# What if you don't like being a mother and/or parent?



## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

It's not that I don't like mothers and/or children...but I myself don't like being a mother and a parent...I realize that this may not sound very good, but I don't know what to do...I thought that when I had my children that I wanted children, but I just can't stand being a parent. Is it so wrong to not like being a parent? I guess there is nothing I can really do about it though...I have thought of abandoning my husband and children, or divorcing my husband and giving him full custody. To be honest if I had any idea that I would not like it, I wouldn't have had children....You see, I feel as though I am doing my children a disservice by being their mother...I would rather them have a mother who actually wants to be a mother...I really have no interest in being a "mommy"...i don't like playing with them or the whole taking care of them aspect...it makes me feel like I am a nurse who is constantly changing bedpans, giving baths, and feedings...I have a husband and a family who doesn't understand...so what should i do?


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## K&JsMaMa (May 26, 2002)

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Have you thought about seeing a physician to discuss possible post partum depression?


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know what advice to give, I'm sure some of the other mamas may have something insightful to offer though. I can't help but think this is related to overall depression you may be experiencing, like a low-grade "functional" depression - you may not even think you feel particularly sad but could still be actual depression.

This is a big enough deal that it's worth talking to someone about (a therapist I mean)

The fact that you can be honest with youself about this is a good sign that you'll be able to face your feelings about this situation and make things better somehow.

Also check out this thread

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hreadid=113352


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Your kids are very young, and very close in age. I don't think it is too easy for you. I really suggest talking to your dr. and ruling out pp depression, and maybe talk to a counsellor about your feelings too.


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

I have been on Zoloft, now on Lexapro and am going to try Wellbutrin...Nothing has really seemed to help...I have been to counseling and am going to try it again...

I am not a touchy-feely person and with children always on me it drives me nuts and they "need" so much from me...I have a hard time having to provide everything for them...I must sound like and maybe I am the most selfish person in the world...I would probably be happier living by myself....Most of the time I just can't deal with having to take care of everyone.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

I hope you find your way. It would help if you had more support. Are you sahm? IS there any way for you to get a daily time out, even if it's just 1/2 hour? Keep strong.










Mamasoleil/samson


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## Morgraine (Mar 1, 2004)

You love your kids, focus on that. You will make a good plan to help you and your family come to terms with what you are feeling. There are many options. Do not feel that there are only dead ends. You can make this situation work. Ask for help, you and your family are worth it. If you need to take a small loan (if possible) and hire a live in nanny for a month or two. Perhaps then you would have the energy to find a creative solution that respects the love that you have for your babies. This is a time for action. Take whatever steps are required to create a good plan of action. You can do it.


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

I actually do get lots of breaks from my children...
here is a list of the opportunities...

Parents Night Out...once a month, from 6:30-11:00
Bible Study every Tues. from 9-12
Wedn. night service at church from 6:30-8:00
Sunday service from 11:00-12:30
my now 3 year old is in preschool on tues. and thurs and it is available to have her there from 6:60-6:00.
i am also part of MOPS which offers a Moms night out once a month, so I get a sitter then and if anything else comes up I get a sitter too...but it doesn't really seem to help
then of course we go on lots of outings together..museums play groups, etc. and when we are overloaded we do cut things out of our schedule


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Violeta, it seems to me that your 'breaks' are either with other parents, or at your church. You don't want to overload with activities, but maybe develop a hobby outside parenting or church? And on the church theme, is there anyone there that you can talk to, an understanding pastor maybe?

I personally found that when I went back to work I became a less frustrated mother. Of course working brings other frustrations as well, so it's not always a good option.

My heart goes out to you. Keep talking about it, don't give up.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I feel the same way, a lot of the times. I was diagnosed with bipolor disorder (not severe bipolar, but moderate) and it's extremely difficult for me to take care of myself sometimes, much less other people.
How easy is it for you to stay "present" - ie., not think about the past or the future, just focus on the here and now?
Do you have an official diagnosis for the meds. you are on?
Do you get breaks every day? If you're having a bad day, will your husband step in and do the dishes, make dinner, and put the kids to bed, as an example?
What do you do with your daily breaks? As in, how do you/would you spend your time?
What makes you feel happy and alive? How could you incorporate that into your children's lives?

Just a start here. Take your time:LOL


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

Oh, and about what you should do..........
Your children need you. No matter how horrible you perceive yourself to be, it's better than not having you there at all. Trust me on that one. What you should do is stay strong. Take each day one at a time. Focus on one small issue - mine this week was procrastination - and work on that one small issue at a time. Realize that you will GRADUALLY become a better person and a better mother. Many of us start out that way.... feeling like we can't connect with being a mom, can't stand being clung to and depended upon 24/7....... but if you give it time...... and give yourself a ton of love and a ton of patience.......... you'll start to dance the mommy dance. It sounds like you're too hard on yourself and these feelings stem from anger and maybe some pain in your past you haven't dealt with yet. Try to let go of the guilt and the visions of what a good mother is. BE YOURSELF, AND BE THE BEST YOU, VIOLETA, CAN BE. That's all that matters, and that journey is what will teach your children the most.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Maybe being a stay at home mom isn't for you? It is a job, and not every job is right for every person. It doesn't have to be all or nothing (either sahm or reliquish custody to father and leave). If you can find a good placement for them - montossori preschool, relative, home of a friend - maybe you could work part or full time. You may find you really being mom if it is not 24/7.

Good luck. Remember, there are lots of options.


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by candiland_
*How easy is it for you to stay "present" - ie., not think about the past or the future, just focus on the here and now?

I never thought of this before...but I probably focus on the past and/or future more than the present..

Do you have an official diagnosis for the meds. you are on?

so far it is depression, maybe major depression?...but it may be worse than that...if I am not on meds..I have been known not to function almost not at all and not able to take care of my kids. Like not able to make their meals..doing most things other than just surviving is usually what I am able to do...usually anything more than that is too much...
With meds. it takes the edge off, but I tend to get side effects with higher doses.

Do you get breaks every day?

Yes, I do get breaks everyday..at least during nap times and they go to bed usually at 7 and then if if their is some activity where the children are being taken care of.

If you're having a bad day, will your husband step in and do the dishes, make dinner, and put the kids to bed, as an example?

Are you kidding me??? My husband would never step in to help and if I ask him to do anything, it is asking too much...according to him he is to provide for the family and play with the kids...he thinks that that his is only purpose. And for most of our marriage he has been too busy with his career and not around much since we have had children, as in out of town. He is currently out of town for 6 months and today has been a really BAD day...I have called him a few times...but his response is that I need to "toughen up". I don't think that most women with 2 young children would be happy in this situation.

What do you do with your daily breaks?
As in, how do you/would you spend your time?

sleep, play on the computer, read, work on my house (currently painting), garden, clean

What makes you feel happy and alive?

making art...I am an artist, but with being pregnant and nursing it has been sidelined because of the toxic chemicals..
I wish that I could say my spouse makes me feel happy and alive..so that maybe an issue also

How could you incorporate that into your children's lives?

I have been encouraging my daughter to paint, draw, play with "dough", finger paint..etc, all of which she loves and I am very glad that she does..my 18 month old is still into eating everything he gets his hands on so we don't do art too much.

I have thought of going back to work...I am still considering it...maybe it would be a better option for the kids and myself..and maybe better than getting a divorce..though that may be inevitable with a husband like mine.
*


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## jannan (Oct 30, 2002)

i just want to say you have balls to come here and post that. i admire you.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

Violeta~









1) i have felt like you! but only briefly; i can't imagine how hard it must be trying to deal with those feelings constantly. i went back to work, then back to being a mom, then back to school (full time) trying to satisfy something in myself by following the advice of others... but after trying all the different lifestyles and serious soul-searching on my part... i've found that being a full-time mom is just where i fit. i *love* being home with my son. but we all have our niches.

2) i'm going to be honest: your husband sounds like a huge part of the problem. you two really need to reconnect. at this point, after just what you've told us of him, i really think it would be in your best interest to *not* leave the kids with him. i think it might help you to go back to work, or try to find something that removes you from the home most of the day. that would also help you become more self-sufficient, plus give you more firm footing when dealing with your husband (as in, "look, we're *both* working outside the home, you need to help out more.")

3) toxic art chemicals should really not be holding you back from doing what makes you happy. there are plenty of non-toxic art supplies out there, as well as a ton of recipes and guidebooks out there for making your own. i've made finger paint before from cornstarch, water, salt and food coloring. absolutely non-toxic (edible, but it doesn't taste good... although for awhile my son loved eating it :LOL), and it worked *perfectly* as paint. there are also a lot of home-made playdough recipes out there made from flour, water, salt, oil and koolaid/coloring that are also just fine to eat. i've also found that personally, other "home" arts can be just as satisfying as "art" arts. i.e., breadmaking, baking, sewing, etc. it fulfills the need to create while fitting in nicely with homemaking.

that's all i can think of right now.

i really hope everything works out for you. i'm glad you can be so honest with yourself.

fwiw, one of my sisters did leave her 3 daughters and her husband to go pursue her dream of becoming an actress / movie star. she succeeded -- that is, she accomplished her dream -- but at the expense of losing all of her family and friends. it is not a path i would advise anyone to take.


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## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

I felt the same way for a while after my son - I had some depression. I went back to work for a little while, and for me, seeing that the grass was not always greener helped. I made a plan for being successful at home (more time spent with friends with kids during the day helped, and getting a mother's helper).

Now I am a pretty happy stay at home mom, with a preschooler and a new baby.

It is so hard to problem-solve when you are caught up in the day to day frustrations. I agree that talking seriously to your hubby would help.

Best of luck.

L.


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

Just for the record, I have had this conversation with my husband so many, many times, but I feel as though I am beating my head against the wall...I do think he/us is a big problem...And yes I agree it probably wouldn't be best to leave the kids with him, but I feel as though I am cornered and am running out of options...


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

V-

You sound like my mom. My mom hated it to the point of growing very resentful of my brother and I and eventually left.

I say push the issue with your husband. And if he ignores it, go to therapy on your own. Whatever happens to you, you don't want to make your kids suffer for it, you know?


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## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

I am so sorry you are struggling with so many negative emotions. As someone who has struggled (and continues to struggle) with a marriage that has been on the brink of collapse at times, I truly believe that your troubled marriage is probably at the root of your depression. If your partner isn't supporting you, making you feel important and loved, refilling your emotional tank, then you can't help but feel exhausted! Children take so much emotional and physical energy, especially from mom. And if you are not getting that support and have spiraled down to clinical depression you aren't in a good place to make the kind of serious, permanent decisions like the ones you are contemplating (I mean leaving the kids with your dh). Please get yourself into therapy with a *good* therapist, one who seems to understand you and with whom you feel a connection. And please find a way to do something for just you that involves your passion for art. You need to do that for yourself. You need to take care of you since no one else seems to be doing so.

Last year I realized that I was showing signs of clinical depression. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I was managing the basics with my dc but wasn't enjoying life. I loved them dearly but just wasn't enjoying being mommy. So I put myself in therapy and I signed up for a writing course. After several years of trying to tell dh that I was unhappy and needed changes in our relationship without seeing any results, I finally put some action behind my words and left. Coming home to an empty house and an "I'm done unless these specific needs are met" letter was a real wake-up call for him. Now we are really working on our marriage in a meaningful way, and I'll stick around as long as he is really trying. And I know now that I have the strength to take my girls and leave if I need to in the future. The writing class has been so wonderful for me and given me the creative, intellectual outlet I desperately needed. I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but I definitely see some similarities. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to "talk" to...I'm a pretty good listener!


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## layla (Jul 2, 2002)

I hate to pin depression on everyone who feels a bit off kilter, but it's better to rule it out. I find I feel better all around if I eat right, take extra vitamin b complex and have a good cup of coffee when I need to!







Your husband does sound like a big part of the problem, maybe you two could try some counselling together. If he's opposed (and he sounds like the sort who woulld be) tell him it's for you, but you need his support. Or tell him to come with you or you're leaving him! Help yourself, you deserve it! It could really benefit both of you. You need to make time for your art. It fulfills you, not some "parents night out" or church service. Those things are great, but they don't nurture your soul, and you need some soul nurturing right now. If you can find the time for those other activities, can you forego one/some of them and work on your art instead? Really, really try. You talk about leaving the kids with your husband, but that he's not there most of the time, and apparently not there much emotionally either, why do you think they'd be better off with him? Most importantly, no matter what kind of mama you think you are, you are the best mama for your babies. They love you because of who you are and in spite of who you are. A child loves his/her mommy more than any other person in their universe and that will always be you.


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

Can you afford someone to come in and sit for enough time so you can paint? It sounds to me like you need something that is just for you.


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## mcimom (Jun 8, 2002)

I don't have much helpful advice to offer b/c I sincerely can't imagine your situation. But I agree w/the jannan that it took guts to post so honestly here.

It doesn't sound to me like you need any more "you" time. The few times I have found myself feeling somewhat like this - "me" time has only made me want more "me" time - kwim? But people are different...so what's been true for me might not apply to you.

I do have a very difficult marriage with a less than helpful spouse so I can relate to your frustration on that level. It sucks to say the least.

However, I have never found myself at the point where I didn't enjoy my kids. Momentarily...of course :LOL but never with any consistency or a staying feeling of "I don't want to be a mom." In fact, I've always been really critical of moms who work outside the home and don't have to and







about how having time to themselves and a career and their own life makes them a "better mother" - what a bunch of crap rationalization I'd think to myself.

You've really given me some food for thought on this biased gut reaction I have. You've presented yourself so simply and eloquently, I can *almost* imagine how you feel even though I am probably one of the most pro-SAHM souls you will find.

I'm not sure what advice to offer, like I said, but I wanted you to know that your post helped me a bit w/my judgement issues. My gut reaction is like that of your dh - toughen up, tough crap because your kids need YOU - not some other mother who will be more into it.

It's like with my dh, yeah, I could probably find a better guy, but he would still have problems and he would never be my kids dad, no one could ever replace my dh in that respect even if they were "better" at it, you know?

Do you not VALUE yourself as a SAHM? Do you feel like mommying is beneath you? I'm not trying to be judgemental here, I'm trying to get at exactly WHY you don't like being a mom. Please don't think I'm trying to flame you or anyone else. But I think a huge part of our feminist culture says that being just a mom is not enough and it's selling ourselves short, when I don't find that to be the case at all. I'm wondering if that's playing a part in this struggle for you.

Do you feel RESENTFUL that your kids have kept you from what you really want to do? Like Art? Or work? Or some career? Do you feel like they are in the way?

Obviously, you don't get a lot of support in any way, shape or form from your DH - that is definitely part of the problem. And again, I can relate to this. I am also on Zoloft and it helps, but I still find when I'm having my brief "I hate my kids" moments, it is usually precipitated by him being an a$$ to me. And so...displacement. I can't blame DH any more than I should blame myself, but when he treats me like crap is when I am most likely to be short with my kids and irritated by all the care and energy they consume that dh rarely appreciates, recognizes and definitely doesn't put back into me. It's a vicious cycle and again, he's the catalyst for my behavior, but ultimately not the cause, I have control of that and I need to be better at taking control of my own bad behavior.

Hmmm...I'm just







babbling now. Like I said, not sure I have anything to offer, but I do appreciate your honesty. I wish you well. And I thank you for making me think about my own judgemental feelings towards those that might be in your situation.


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

[QOUTE]Do you not VALUE yourself as a SAHM? Do you feel like mommying is beneath you? I'm not trying to be judgemental here, I'm trying to get at exactly WHY you don't like being a mom. Please don't think I'm trying to flame you or anyone else. But I think a huge part of our feminist culture says that being just a mom is not enough and it's selling ourselves short, when I don't find that to be the case at all. I'm wondering if that's playing a part in this struggle for you.


> I do value myself as a SAHM, I think it is the most important job and to the honest, the HARDEST job, I have ever had in my life.
> I definently do not think that mommying is beneath me. I think that it is totally over my head...It seems like it is too much for me, very overwhelming. KWIM? I mean you bring these precious babies into the world and you have to take care of them (and in my case mostly by myself) and raise them to be good, moral, decent human beings. And, I guess I don't think that I am worthy of this job..you need to be patient, kind, loving, gentle, unselfish..etc, etc. These things don't come naturally to me..I guess that is one reason I find it so challenging...I am not a naturally "nice" person.
> 
> [QOUTE]Do you feel RESENTFUL that your kids have kept you from what you really want to do? Like Art? Or work? Or some career? Do you feel like they are in the way?
> ...


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

Quote:

I am trying raise myself from the dead in bringing things back that interest me...
it's good that you're actively trying to do that.

i had lost myself for awhile too... and it took me awhile to realize that although i was still me, i also *wasn't* still me. the act of being a mother and having kids had changed who i was at my very core. so i had to find me, but the new me, the me who had become me after the other me had been lost.

it will take a lot of soul-searching on your part, and a lot of time, but getting back into things you used to like doing should help you find who you are now ~ and don't be suprised if some things that you used to enjoy, you really don't have the patience / attention for anymore.










do you ever meditate?


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

well, i guess i don't meditate? what exactly do you do?


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

there are all kinds of different ways to meditate.

when i started out (years ago) learning how to meditate, i'd close my eyes and focus on something (a metronome, a drumbeat, etc) and clear my head of everything else. i did that almost ever night, for at least a half hour, for months.

then when i got a little more "advanced" (could keep my head clear for more than 30 seconds :LOL) i was able to focus on a thought, a question, or an idea, and then meditate on that. sometimes it was just meditations (like tao / yoga stuff) to raise awareness, and sometimes it was a question about the future i wanted resolved, and other times it was a question about myself i wanted to explore. i'd meditate on that idea and let my head be clear of everything else, and then take note of all of the thoughts that would come up during meditation. afterward i would reflect on what i had written down, and what meaning they might have for me. sometimes it was stuff that wasn't related, like "gosh we need eggs at the store" or "i wonder how much i weigh?" :LOL but a lot of times it was relevant stuff, not really in words but pictures. i'd usually find the answers i sought, just by looking within myself.








s. it took me awhile to get there but once i did, it was well worth it.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Violeta, it sounds to me like you actually DO like being a mum & being with your children, but you're just feeling really unsupported in your job as a parent & that's affecting your whole outlook on things.

Klothos had some really good suggestions about meditation- to help you focus on exactly what it is you need to do to help yourself get your head back on track. It also sounds to me like you are being very hard on yourself- perfectionistic, maybe? (is that even a word!?!?). Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs on earth, & its mad to think that somehow we just come programmed to do the job. Its such a learning process, every year, & that never changes- for all of us, I think. You are so doing the right thing by talking about your feelings, & actively wanting to work with them.

Just an afterthought, have you any opportunity to have some counselling- just to talk things over with someone face to face?


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

I just want to add (and I think you have already made the connection) that I think how you feel about your children is totally linked to how you are feeling about your dh. When I am mad at my dh, I find that I don't want to be around him or his kids (my girls). I hole myself up in ds's room hanging out with him. I think it is clearer to me because I have a child that isn't dh's. Does that make sense? Like I somehow (wrongfully) blame my dd's for their daddy's actions. I honestly think marital counseling (even if you go alone) would be the best remedy for most of your feelings.

I also want to second that the little years are the hardest for people like you and me that aren't really into "playing". When your children become older, you will find mutual interests and genuinely enjoy them as people. My ds is 10yo and he is so much fun to spend time with.

I hope this helps a little. I do think you are a good mom. Who else would come and post this asking for advice? Why else would you continue to do what you think is best for your children when you are not enjoying it? I think you deserve a lot of kudos for trying to improve things for yourself.


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## morningdove030202 (Mar 11, 2004)

Hey violeta,

I'm a SAHM too, and it's very hard because I tend to be a selfish person as well. Sometimes I get so absorbed into a book that I totaly resent it when my son gets into something he shouldn't and makes a mess. And then I get mad at him and at my self, but mostly mad at me. Part of my problem is that I was an only child and I honestly don't know what to do with my son beyond TV and coloring, and reading books to him. He's only two and he can't do the complecated arts and crafts that I would love to do with him. I get bored very quickly! My husband also makes the money and feels that I shouldn't need his help. He has gotten much better about watching Vincent by himself, but that's a recent thing. He can be a big jerk about housework, but I demand from him that he at the LEAST clean up his own messes. I think we are both just lazy people and we are both procratinators, not a good combination. My in-laws convinced him to go to mariage counceling with me, but we can't aford it... If you can, it's a good idea. Just remember that you kids will grow up and you will gain back little by little time to yourself. Um, and I realy DON"T recomend having anymore kids until you decide if you are staying in the marriage or not... As it is now, I'm not sure if I'm going to have more. Also, try reading "The Mother Dance" it made me realize that I should stop stressing out about things I don't have total control over and just focus on the now.

Dove


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. You have a lot of good people here helping you with your feelings. Sometimes I need a break whe I start feeling like I'm really tired of the hum-ho of being a SAHM of two young ones. With my dd I was a total AP parent and held her ALL the time, we never used a sitter until she was over 2 years old, and she was in the family bed. I started to realize that I was in mom mode all the time and starting to get burned out.

I just had this new baby 6 weeks ago and vowed to do things differenty this time around. I'm still an AP mom but I have carved out some space for myself, do things just for me. Away from the house and from the call of my kids and dh and all that housework that never seems to get totally done. I got a Y membership that includes free childcare while you work out. My oldest loves the childcare area and I just left my baby there yesterday for the first time. The workers are moms who bring their toddlers with them to work and are very loving and hold the babies all the time. That 25 min. a day that the kids are in childwatch and I'm on the treadmill has been so great for my outlook on life, family, and motherhood. The exercise makes me feel good about myself, and also raises natural endorphins to help balance hormones and keep depression at bay.

Just a thought.

Darshani


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

ITA with Darshani- exercise has been a huge help to me as of late as well.

I do hope you and your dh can work this out, it does seem that he is your main problem, and that is just so sad, b/c he should be helping you through, not bringing you down.


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## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

I want to say "ditto" on the recommendation to meditate. I do TM every day while my son naps and it SAVES me. I know I'd be a terrible mother without it.

Somebody needs to pull your dh aside & have a talk. That is so unfair that he is unwilling to help with the kids. I don't know how I would survive if dh wasn't helping. (he's up there right now trying to get ds to sleep!) This fact alone should tell you that your kids are better off with you not dh.

Also remember that this period of total dependency is TEMPORARY. It will go so fast...before you know it they'll be doing practically everything for themselves. You're almost there.

Can I ask...why did you decide to have children? The reason I ask is that there must be some part of you that saw something appealing about it. When I'm feeling down sometimes I look at ds's birth pictures and remember this miracle that I am a part of.


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## gurumama (Oct 6, 2002)

It sounds like your husband's attitude is 90% of your problem. He's unsupportive, detached, and stuck in 1950's notions of fatherhood.

You would feel much more like *you* again if he would give you the breathing room to be you. You are not only expected to be a mom and tend the house, but to be your kids' SOLE emotional support. That's a tremendous burden he's forced on you.

Get a babysitter and do not feel one ounce of guilt about it. My DH gives me oodles of time each week for *me* time, time that I need to recharge my batteries. If your husband won't give that to you, then find it elsewhere from a babysitter. You'll be a better parent and a happier woman.


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## MommyCat (Dec 16, 2003)

....


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## MommyCat (Dec 16, 2003)

I used to feel this way as well. ((Hugs)) I even tried to commit suicide 2X as I thought there was no way out.
Forgive me I dont have time to read all of the second page of posts but I really feel for you.

I so remember thinking those thoughts and my dh putting me down and not understanding any of it. He just made me feel more guilty and kept abusing me mentally.
I know how crazy it feels and I know I never would have had the guts to post about it on here (or anywhere) at the time. Big gold star for you!

I will just say that after I left DH and resolved my issues with him I became the person I always knew was inside, that I didnt feel that I could be before and all my feelings changed.

I knew I loved my kids but it was just to much to handle and I resented being the one to take care of everyone(it turned out it was HIM i resented taking care of)with no help. Why didnt my job have quitting time. Why did he get to come home and relax, my job never ended! Was this going to be it?! This was my life and then I was going to die? I felt horible. My life meant nothing...

I felt like I was trapped in this life and I was sooooo depressed, I was off and on different meds, tried to od on zanax twice,
and tried to go out every weekend and get wasted to get away from it all. Only angering him and making me feel worse.

But it wasnt the kids or Mommyhood that was just the easy thing to put it on I guess so I didnt have to deal with the real issues with him. I know it seemed that it was at the time, though. Now I feel like I can accomplish anything I want kids in tow the whole way, and I think I would die without them.

Anyway Im not sure what I am trying to say but that after I dealt with what was holding me back from being the person I wanted (NEEDED) to be it all fell so wonderfully into place, mommyness and all! Now I dont mind and even love all the constant Mommy stuff.

I have a 27 month old and a 4 month old so I am stressed to the hilt constantly but I dont have the same feelings of wanting to escape anymore.

The meds didnt help, I dont think they deal with the issue i think they attenpt to cover up or make "OK" whatever is the problem.
Youve got to focus on you and do what you need. And Im sure deep down you know what the real issues are...

((HUGS)) And this to shall pass!! It will only be to soon that you will be looking back wishing they were babies again...


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

I decide to have children because I have always wanted them...Before having my children I had planned on having a large family of 4-6 children...But since my husband has turned out to be such a smuck, I don't think that I will have anymore with him. Of course, he wants more but I will be the one raising and caring for them...This whole situation really bothers me because it was one of my dreams to have a large family and to have a great husband, but both of those concepts are broken dreams now...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???...I know that there are men out there who make the mother of their children's lives so much easier than mine does...I feel very slighted about this situation...it's just not what I bargained for.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I think it would be a good idea to use some very reliable birth control until you decide what you want to do. You have 2 children very close in age, which is very difficult. To add an additional baby into this situation would be tragic.

My husband works VERY long hours--he has a very high powered career that is incredibly demanding for him. This in turn makes my life as a stay at home mom of 3 also very demanding. I do all of the housework and childcare at this point--but on the weekends we do try to partner up. I knew my husband was very driven in his career before I married him, though--so I take responsibility for how my life is now. I am happy but tired.

Was your husband always so unhelpful and inconsiderate? Why did you choose him to marry? Why did you have a second child when things were already so overwhelming for you? I am asking these questions not to put you down, but to help you get inside of your head and figure out how you got into this situation. You can only change the situation if you know what you did wrong in the first place, you know? To let all of this wash over on you (picking a bad man to marry, choosing to get pregnant in very quick time) and not examine why it happened is a mistake, I think. With children involved now, you have some accountability too--not just your husband.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Quote:

...I feel as though maybe I am grieving the loss of the marriage I wanted, should have had, etc???..










Now i think you're getting to the core of the matter here, Violeta. I'm really short on time today, but I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up too much about the choices you've made in your life so far re: husband choice & having kids..... What's important now is that you are recognising that something has to change & you are taking positive steps by talking about it. I can kinda understand the pressures of being in a difficult marriage, my own being challenging most days, but I'm not in the extreme (IMO) situation you are. Just remember, it is possible to take back control of aspects of your life (such as your art) without changing every thing at the same time. And it's okay to let dreams go if all they're doing is dragging you down. It's okay to change dreams, nobody said the same one has to last forever........ my 2 bobs worth... big hugs to you Violeta....


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## layla (Jul 2, 2002)

When your dh is sick, can he call in sick to work? Can you? Can he eat his meals in peace? Can you? Can he go pee by himself? Can you? Can he take a break at work if his boss is driving him nuts? Can you? Just a couple of point to make to him. Just because you're the mommy, doesn't mean your the only parent. You do the majority of the "mommy/slave" work, he brings in the money. That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to a break. If his boss told him that he was on duty 24/7/365, he'd quit his job. Point that out to him and ask him how it's fair that he gets to come home from work and relax and you never get to. Tell him therapy is in order and if he cares about your marriage, to get up and go with you! Don't beat yourself up!


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

I think youve gotten some great advise and support here.

I just wanted to say for me and my artist mama friends.......we seem to especially need time to ourselves to be creative in our own way, whatever that may be. If I can get out and take some pictures, draw or paint, make a necklace.....Im a brand new person. It awakens my spirit.

I have only one dc, Im not depressed, I have a wonderful dh who shares 150% and is wonderfully supportive.......but I STILL need this time to myself or I have nothing left to give to anyone. I dont see it as a fault, just a necessity for the kind of person I am.

I hope you find your way to a more peaceful life as a mother and person. Good luck.....


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## Violeta (Aug 23, 2003)

Well, I have been thinking about some of the comments everyone has made and yes it was my bad decision making that got me in this mess in the first place....I didn't marry my husband because I loved him (the whole time I kept telling myself "I will learn to love him", "I will learn to love him")...he was actually my second choice, the guy I really wanted to marry wasn't ready to settle down, but wanted to establish a career and experience life...we were only 19 and 20 so that is pretty young. Anyway, out of my own imaturity I found another guy that was failry decent and was willing to get married and so we did...I was only 20 (currently 28)when we got married so please don't ask me why I did it...I have heard it from everyone and all I can say is that I was very immature. So that was why I married him...it has been a *rocky* marriage at best and then we had kids about 5 years into the marriage...I was actually a work outside the home mom until my second was born so when I decided to get pregnant with the second things were not like they are now...we were fairly happy with one child and wanted to bring another in because we were so in love with the first and with me staying home with the second it just seems as though things just get really bad...I think that we were all much happier when I was working outside of the home..I always thought that I wanted to be a stay at home, partially because my mom was a pretty good SAHM, the house was always clean, home cooked meals, very organized to 3 kids...she was my role model, but I really don't feel very organized being at home, I feel as though I have way too much time on my hands and don't know how to organize it...On another note, my husband is a workaholic...he absolutely refuses to take time off if he is sick and he doesn't understand why I should get any time off...even while he is out of town for 6 months..I am supposed to be this happy-go-lucky mom who just loves to play with the kids and not need any breaks...he critisizes me if I complain to him about it...I just think husbands should be compassionate and understanding....that's all for now I guess...


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## MommyCat (Dec 16, 2003)

You know, I REALLY dont think you should have to defend yourself or your actions to anyone on here.
They havent walked in your shoes or anyone elses for that matter and cant possibly begin to understand your situation and your intense feelings.

Some people are lucky(not me) and find a mate who shares their veiws and havent had to face the obsticles that stand in the way to having the life that they want. To question you about why you did these things or suggest that you prevent yourself from harming anything else is terrible. Everything happens for a reason and is a lesson to us. Some people have things happen in their lives that they dont know how to deal with, everyone makes mistakes! Everyone did not have the benifit of parents that taught them how to live or showed them the love they needed. Not to mention countless other things that shape each of our lives individually.

I was not not one of these lucky few either. I have been very close to where you are as I told you in my previous post.

I think the tone of some of these posters, though well intentioned is not unlike the ridicule and criticizism you are recieving from your husband. I know it must be hard for some people who have never had anything like this in their lives to see where you are coming from. It just really upsets me that you came here for support and you seem to be having to constantly defend and explain yourself here. And you dont.

Just like the parents with mellow kids scowling at and judging parents with spirited, aggressive kids as "Bad" parents not having a clue what it would be like if their kid had that disposition.
We get judged so much as parents and it reall is hard.

All in all Im sure that whatever you did and do at the time is what you thought was best at the time for you and your family. No one can know what to do all of the time. I know I sure dont have a clue. I am 28 a single mom of 3(one I dont even have custody of) and was right where you are just last year. When we know better we do better and there is no point of beating yourself about what we did in the past.
You will never get anywhere looking back. Only right back where you were. It reall y dosent matter why you did what you did beyond you knowing it now and moving on.
Trust me if I sat around answering why I made the choices I made and focusing on the countless stupid decisions I made in life I would be soooo depressed I probably couldnt get out of bed.
Ive done way more than my share of stupid things in my life.

Anyway I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you dont have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone and just let some of the superior attitudes roll off your back. One day they too will be challenged and then they will learn the lessons we have been shown already. And the great thing is when you come out of all this (and you will) you will be such a strong person and know even better who you are and what you want from life!


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Look at the ages of my kids and listen to me. It does get better. It does get easier. Don't worry about what your DH thinks. If he were home with the kids, he might think differently. (a family emergency might be in order!) Dh has the choie to work, you do not. It's on demand.

Get a babysitter, or trade time with another parent. See your Doc, you realy should be evaluated for depression. You never think you have it, you know. If you aren't depressed and hate being a parent, and you might, then try to make the best possible alternatives for your kids. Look for great child care, great schools, involve them in outside activities. DOn't compare yourself to your mother! Mothers are supreme! And someday your kids will think you were.

When you are with your kids, concentrate on them. Take them places you can learn about them. Share your interests with them. Art museums? Ecology? Tell them what you care about, take them with you when you can.

I bet you'll love teenagers! Hang in there, be patient with yourself! Everyone hates their job form time to time. You make like it a lot better a few years later.

Ask foor help. Look online for others who share your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit how you feel

Don't leave your kids. Try to hang in there, to be strong. THese little people you've created are so important, so worthwhile. Give yourself as much time as you can.

You'll be in my thoughts! You are so strong to have posted this!


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## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

Would it be possible/helpful to work out of the house for a bit? even if it ispart time and only pays for childcare it may still be a good option. just an idea.

lula


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## MamaJosie (Apr 26, 2003)

feel too much guilt but you do need to come up with a creative solution. You said you love your kids and so that is enough in my mind that you should definitely not think they would be better off without you or something. I do however, think you and your kids might be better off without dh. If the marriage is dead and he gives you no support have you considered single motherhood? Does he know how you feel and how close you are to wanting out? It might be a wake up call for him. I would first try to find a good counselor and also some better meds but I would also consider putting the kids in daycare/preschool and working outside the home. The parenting hours you do have might be much more maneagble then and you could learn to enjoy them. There is nothing wrong with this choice if it is the best case scenario for you and your family. Don't let mother guilt bring you down. WOmen have way too much guilt as it is. Also, there is some good reading out there that might make you feel less alone - some really funny and touching books like Child of Mine, The Big Rumpus and Mother Shock (loving every other minute of it). I am reading "in the trenches" mother tales type books these days to try and pick a few good ones for my sister who is on the fence about having a child. And I wish I had found them sooner. I dont feel so alone in my ambivalence about momhood and they really are a riot. Good luck and let us know how things are going.


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