# When people ask how many children do you have do you...



## yummymummy2hannah (Aug 23, 2006)

When some one asks you how many children do you have do you mention your loss? I feel so strange to say "Hello, I'm Rebecca. I have a 3 year old named Hannah and a baby in Heaven named Nathaniel". I get such sad looks, but then I feel guilty to not say his name as he is my son to even if I never saw him alive. What do you say?


----------



## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I have not been asked that question yet. But when I am I will say the same thing.


----------



## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i was just asked on sunday if we were planning on having more. they didn't know about our loss on friday. i just stuttered and wasn't sure what to say. i don't know how to answer if someone asks how many children we have though..


----------



## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

Well I haven't been asked but I will probably just say 3 (in reference to my living children). I wouldn't feel comfrotable talking about my losses with someone I don't know well.


----------



## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I think it would depend for me personally.. I probably wouldn't mention the loss just b/c it is personal but if you were to mention it I think that would be OK too.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

it really depends on the situation and the mood I am in.
In some situations it is better left unsaid, and even though I never forget... some days I don't want to mention him just to say "But he died" because he is so much MORE than those three words.


----------



## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I don't mention my loss, and I end up feeling bad.


----------



## marlee (Aug 29, 2005)

No I don't don't mention it.


----------



## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I say that I have a son who died when he was born.


----------



## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I tell people that I have six children, but, my youngest daughter passed after her birth. I don't even think of my miscarried babies alot anymore.


----------



## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

I was just going to write the very same question.

Originally I would tell everyone that my first baby was stillborn but as time progressed and I kept being hurt by all the calloused remarks I learned to stop telling people to protect myself from all the hurt.

Now for the most part when people ask how many children I have I tell people that my daughter, Hope, is 5 1/2. And I remember Amy Dawn silently.

Now that I am expecting again it is harder. People just assume this is my second pregnancy when really it's my third. I want to correct them and yet I don't want to open myself up to more pain. *sigh* So I avoid talking about numbers.

I'm 20 weeks today and there are still some people (acquaintances) that I haven't told yet. I'm imagining they will find out at some point. Mostly I want to protect myself from being hurt. As I've told more people that I'm expecting a part of me has been worried that that will be one more person I'll have to tell if the baby were to die. Not that I'm having dark forboding feelings; I'm mostly scared of being hurt again by people I love and trust.

It's a very tough question for those of us who have lost a baby.


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

My answer is "I have three children, this will be my fourth". If the person persists and asks what their ages are, I say, " 5, 3, and one that died as an infant" The person usually says "Oh, I'm sorry" and I say "Yes, I am too" and the conversation moves elsewhere. I agree that it can be a conversation killer and sometimes that is a good thing. But, I also feel the need to acknowledge Norah as part of my family verbally to the world.


----------



## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I get the question -- "Oh, is this your first?" since I'm currently expecting.
I tell them it's my second and my first passed away a few days after he was born. I will always include Charlie in my count of "how many" no matter how awkward it is for the person who asked. I figure they shouldn't have asked if they didn't want to know.


----------



## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherMama* 
Well I haven't been asked but I will probably just say 3 (in reference to my living children). I wouldn't feel comfrotable talking about my losses with someone I don't know well.

Me too.....I just mentioned my living children but if the conversation is about the loss of a child then i will mention it.


----------



## lerlerler (Mar 31, 2004)

I'm lurking here, but want to add... and hope it brings you all a well deserved smile.

At some point YOUR children will get the question as well "how many children in your family?"

I'm in my 40s and never met my sister who died at seven days old... but I still remember her, and love her.

And when acquaintances ask? I just say "just us two" but when good friends mention "only having one sister"? I correct them. "Actually, I have two.. Michelle died before I met her" But no matter what I answer? I STILL get a surge of love in my heart for BOTH my sisters... the one I grew up with and the one I miss

At some point ANOTHER generation will love your angel babies as well....


----------



## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

I don't have any other children, so my answer at this point is "none living" or something along those lines.


----------



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Some variant of "yes":
"Non living."
"Two in Heaven."
"[Their names]. They're both in Heaven though."

Equally hard is, "So, got kids?"

Or having other moms look at you like you're not one of them.


----------



## zech13_9_goforgold (Jun 24, 2008)

When people ask me if I have kids, I usually say something like, "No, not yet (sad smile)." Depending on how people respond to that, I mention that I had two m/c, an ectopic and a regular m/c. Sometimes that frees women up to talk about their own loss. With men, I usually just say "no." While my own husband has been really good about our losses and has grieved them with me, I know that other men get uncomfortable with women's emotions (who aren't their wives). The only man that I've told about my infertility struggles was my dad. Even that was awkward (and we're close).

But, tell whoever you're comfortable telling. Infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and stillborn babies tear at the very heart of what it means to be a woman. It's been really hard dealing with friends who are pregnant for the first time. They're just so cute and happy and in love, wearing their "Baby on Board" shirts. I really hope that they never have to learn the hard lessons and cry the deep tears that we have. Still, their happiness stings.


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I say, "I have four living children" they rarely ask about why I put the word 'living' in there. I also have said, "I have five children, four currently living"

I'm also a Rebecca with a Hannah







(she's 2nd born, 10 years old)


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I always say 4, but I get the privilege of raising three.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I have not had a loss to date (that I know of...may have had one in 98) but this was something dh and I discussed before we got married. We decided that we would count all of our children living and in heaven when asked. I can imagine that it would be difficult but for me I feel like it would keep a large piece of them with me in day to day life by honoring them when someone asks me about my children.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Debstmomy* 
I always say 4, but I get the privilege of raising three.

That is really beautiful







:


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Debstmomy* 
I always say 4, but I get the privilege of raising three.

so much better! I'm going to use this.


----------



## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

It depends on who's asking & how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel too fragile to tell Owen's story & I just mention dd. He is always in my heart & on my mind, so I don't feel like I am being untrue to him or anything.

But I do talk about him a lot- I agree w/ the pp who said it frees up other women to talk about their losses, there is so much that goes unsaid.

I never feel the need to make other people feel better about my loss though... people say "oh how awful" & I say, "yes, it was the hardest thing I've ever done". So that's why I kind of choose my audience


----------



## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

I am feeling so frustrated with this question right now and so helpless to know how to answer it. Any way you slice it it's a painful question. *sigh*


----------



## Quate (Oct 24, 2007)

I would call the one I'm currently pregnant with my first. But actually, anyone who has to ask doesn't even get that information--I just say "none yet". I think if I had had a later loss I might answer differently though.


----------



## dnr3301 (Jul 4, 2003)

I usually just talk about my two kids. My miscarriage is private, and I'm not really sure how to include it anyway. I talk pretty freely about "my third pregnancy", but that's only really with people I already know. I don't believe in Heaven or an afterlife, so that's out for me.


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I got this yesterday.. I went to a funeral for a friend of mines sister. I saw some old friends there that I haven't been in touch with for years! We chatted, they asked if I have any kids.. I get all akward and say, yes.. I'm not used to this question yet.. and then say, I have two, I had my little boy almost 7 weeks ago, but he died.. then they get all stammery and say, Oh I'm sorry.. and then I feel kind of akward and have to throw Gwen in there -but I have a daughter too, she's almost 3! Throw some cheer into the conversation.. I'm not sure that I'll keep saying this though.. it just feels strange to give the whole long phrase.. at the same time I DO feel like i have two children - I mean, Dresden was a 39 week baby.. he was cut from my body, I wear his ashes around my neck.. doesn't he deserve to be mentioned! Even though the conversations were akward, it did still feel good to talk to people about him.


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I know what you mean there about Dresden. I can't really not include Josie because she did happen and she was almost 38 weeks and would have been fine under other circumstances. I think I will have to say three - stepmom to two and one between us, Josie, who passed away as a baby. I think I will have to because well, you know, we have photos, memories, blankets, hair locks and everything from her as well as the fact that I almost died at the time. All of that makes her so tangible to others as well as me. Plus she had a personality and a soul and I just would have to have the awkward conversation every time and hope that they didn't feel "sorry" for me - you know, like some puppy who's been run over. That would not be so good but yes, I'd have to mention my Josie. She may have never had a birth certificate and only a death certificate, but she was a little person nonetheless...


----------



## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

This question was always so hard at first. Now its become really natural to answer the way I do...usually I mention that we lost our first, but if its just someone in the grocery store I won't bother because I don't feel like having the conversation.

I've learned to say things like "No, we lost our first when I'm asked if my son is my first. Or if my son isn't with me and they ask about the pregnant belly I'll say "I have one other at home and we had another we lost" (they usually say "oh I'm sorry") and I say "Thank you" and then immediately move on to something else.

Or if someone says how many children, I might say One, and One on the way if I don't know them and don't expect to see them again, but if I do expect to see them I'll say "well this is my third pregnancy and we have our son at home with us, we lost our first child"

My take on this is that its totally up to you what you say and its not your job to make anyone else more comfortable. However it is your job to protect yourself, and at first talking about it was sometimes too raw for me. Its absolutely ok if you don't feel like saying it and you don't mention your deceased children your lost child won't be hurt by that. Now that I can talk about it easily though I never worry about upsetting anyone and I've ended up in many good conversations with other women who have had losses.

One thing that I also have realized, if I am going to see someone frequently, like meeting a new friend or something, it is better to just say it and get it out in the open. Trying to keep the info to myself always made me feel odd and secretive and made it hard to create friendships with people. I felt like I was carrying this sadness and anxiety that no one knew and it made it really hard to let down any barriers at all. Once I stopped doing that for fear of being a downer or whatever in social situations it just felt better and it slowly just started to be easier to talk about my first son without breaking into tears or feeling really sad myself. It does get easier, you won't always feel this awkward about it, it will just become part of your families story and be easier to say. Every once in a while an interaction around it still feels uncomfortable but usually its fine.


----------



## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

sometimes i mention it if thier wording makes it unavoidable to keep it to myself.


----------



## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:

I'm lurking here, but want to add... and hope it brings you all a well deserved smile.

At some point YOUR children will get the question as well "how many children in your family?"

I'm in my 40s and never met my sister who died at seven days old... but I still remember her, and love her.

And when acquaintances ask? I just say "just us two" but when good friends mention "only having one sister"? I correct them. "Actually, I have two.. Michelle died before I met her" But no matter what I answer? I STILL get a surge of love in my heart for BOTH my sisters... the one I grew up with and the one I miss

At some point ANOTHER generation will love your angel babies as well....
Thank you for this. My 4yo misses his little brother so much even though he never met him while he was alive. Our baby died when he was 12 hours old and our 4 yo came to the hospital after he had died. My heart breaks for him every time he mentions all of the things he was planning on doing with him.

Quote:

Or having other moms look at you like you're not one of them.
If they only knew what kind of mom you really are - how you've experienced the pain that only a mother can and that no mother would ever want to...


----------



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Cheshire, I think that brief quote at the bottom was mine. Thanks for responding to it.


----------



## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Well, it depends on my mood, who I'm talking to...I may not feel like going into a complete spill about why Alexis died to strangers (who can be rude!!) and even after 2 yrs, its still kinda hard to choke back tears. Generally, though, no.
Usually someone, though will see the tattoo of her footprint on my right arm and think its Aja, my 4 yr old, in that case, I'll correct them, but other than that, no.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I was asked this very question for the first time this last weekend. DH and I went to look at a house together in the next state over that we stumbled upon. We've been looking for more room for our brood for a long time and couldn't pass it up... not to mention we could use the change of scenery I think. Anyway the new potential landlady smiled at us and asked how many children we had as we only had our 2 yo with us. I answered quickly out of habit, "4" and then rushed to correct myself because I felt a stab in my heart that I didn't include my sweet Micah. I then told her that we had just had our 5th child and he had passed away at birth. I said "so, we have 5." and I knodded my head and she smiled very sweetly.

I plan to always say 5. Don't know if I will explain unless asked, guess I'm playing that one by ear at this early date.


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

my mother in law started a myspace page and in her 'about me' section put that she has 9 grandchildren - I put a comment and said, umm actually you have ten grandchildren! It really hurt my feelings that he wasn't included.. I mean for a grandparent they don't even have t go into details.. they can just say I have 10 and leave it at that. HE WAS HERE!







I know she loved him too, I've never seen her cry (not even when her parents died) and she sobbed for our baby boy..


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
my mother in law started a myspace page and in her 'about me' section put that she has 9 grandchildren - I put a comment and said, umm actually you have ten grandchildren! It really hurt my feelings that he wasn't included.. I mean for a grandparent they don't even have t go into details.. they can just say I have 10 and leave it at that. HE WAS HERE!







I know she loved him too, I've never seen her cry (not even when her parents died) and she sobbed for our baby boy..









my mom is the same way. I think am going to make her a grandmother bracelet that includes Micah. maybe that'll help her remember...


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

She updated her page to include Dresden now..








The grandmother bracelet is a great idea!!


----------



## Quindin (Aug 22, 2003)

I have twin boys in heaven.
I only share that with friends


----------



## proudmommyof2 (Jun 27, 2006)

For the first couple of months after losing Bryce I tried to stay away from people so I wouldn't have to answer questions like that. He passed away at 14 weeks in July (though I didn't know about it until I was 16 weeks) and since then I have been asked that question more than once. I just simply say I have 3 amazing boys with me and 1 sweet angel boy in Heaven. People look at me oddly when I smile while saying it, but I have to smile. If I don't smile, then the tears will start...and I really don't want to break down in front of people.


----------



## BarefootQueen (Nov 14, 2008)

This Question is most uncomfortable for me. I only had the one baby, my son who was born early (18weeks) so I have no living children. When anyone asks me if we have children I feel like if I say No I am denying my son and if I say Yes I hate how awkward it gets.

Usually I say No but sometimes I say "we have a son who died"
I once read a line that says "I have __ kids and 1 who soars above me" which I thought was really beautiful.

The other day I was asked if we had kids and my Husband and I looked at each other and both shook our heads no. The woman then asked how long we had been married and when we told her she said "that's an awful long time to not have started a family!"

BLAHHH.

Then I told her. LOL.


----------



## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

it depends on who is asking.. usually I will just say no, I don't have any children... most times i don't want to get into the whole spiel, specailly if it is just some random person asking me......


----------



## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

I had always said "I have three daughters, my firstborn died when she was 3 days old" Now I say "I have 4 daughters, My firstborn died when she was 3 days old." and if the situation warrants (rarely and never to strangers) I will say that Madison is my step-daughter, but I usually just leave it at "I have 4 daughters, My firstborn died when she was 3 days old."


----------

