# My mother wont change diapers



## GGGG (Jan 31, 2009)

Has anyone heard or experienced this:

Both my sister and I have 2 children and live far away from my parents (over 500 miles), we see our mother 2 to 3 times a year. When we get together my mother, she loves and takes care of the little except one thing, she refuses to changes their diapers, has anyone heard of this? She wants to take them to play areas, parks, shopping etc, but will not changes them no matter how soiled they are. Both my sister and I have ask numerous times why and her response is the same everything time, "I don't need to tell you why and just choose not too". My sister and I are at the point were we don't even talk to her because we get so frustrated because to subject always comes up, my father tells us to keep dropping to subject, only one problem with that is she wants the spend alone time with them, this pass x-mas she wanted to take my 2 year old to the mall, when my wife handed her the diaper bag she ask "why do I need that?" , I simply asked her if she was ready to change her if she has a accident, she replied with, "you know the answer to that question", to make a long story short, she took off extremely upset, made the holidays very awkward for my everyone. We return to our home 4 days later (11 hour drives) and haven't spoke to her since.

Does anyone else have a similar story, can anyone help or make sense of this?


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I'd really like to know what the reason is.

If she wants to spend alone time with your child while the child is still in diapers, she has to accept that if needed she will have to change a diaper or two.

You can't just leave a baby in a dirty diaper, there could be health consequences.

If it were up to me I would say: No diapers = No alone time


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

That's quite strange... by the fact that she gets so upset over it, it seems there is definitely some issue going on, but it's hard to imagine what the issue would be! I mean ok it can be a bit stinky and stuff, but changing a diaper isn't that bad;..

Could you ask your father, in private, if he knows what the issue might be? (or maybe you already tried that)

You and your sister must have been in diapers yourselves once, so your mother would have dealt with numerous diaper changes back then, right? Or did your dad do all of them? (maybe you could ask him what they did back then when you were a baby).

I can imagine this is frustrating for you and your sister (and spouses - and kids!)


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## ani'smommy (Nov 29, 2005)

That sucks and is weird. I mean, if she doesn't want to change diapers, fine, but then she can't really take the kids anywhere.







:


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## GGGG (Jan 31, 2009)

my father never changed diaper and we had a conversation yesterday about this subject, he still doens't know.

1 1/2 years ago, my sister, her husband my wife and I had never played golf togehter and was looking forward to play a round, for the first time ever since the kids were born we actually where in the same location. My father took care of the daiper change (first time ever) my mother stood beside him and watch. The changing of diaper dont get me upset, its the not knowing why and her attitude when we tell her she cant spend time alone with them.


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

Wow...that is really wierd.

For me the solution would be simple. A frank conversation in which I would make clear the following:

"Mom, I love you, but as long as you refuse to change my child's diapers I am not going to allow you to take my child alone. I understand that you want to have alone time with your grandchild, but it simply it is not fair to my child to have to sit in his own excrement because you refuse to change a diaper. When you don't change poopy diapers my son's bottom gets red and chafed, and it is quite painful for him. I don't feel that it is fair that he is "punished" this way for spending time with his grandma.
I will happily spend time with you and the baby when you visit, but unless you change diapers I can't allow you to take him by yourself."

And if she has a big grown-up temper tantrum over this very reasonable request that would be her own problem entirely!







:


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My Mom doesn't change diapers either. She doesn't flat out REFUSE.. and if she HAD to, she would. But, she doesn't like it.

I didn't have a problem leaving my dd with her for short periods of time, like under four hours. But, if she had a poopy diaper, I don't think my mom would have changed it.

She raised two kids. I don't know how she managed. But, we were both potty trained before we turned two. So, it must have been important to her.

If my MOm absolutely would NOT change a diaper, I just wouldn't leave my kids with her for any length of time until they were both potty trained.

Most kids can sit in a wet diaper for a few hours, but what if it was a poopy diaper?


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

My mom has eight grandkids and will not spend alone time with any of them until they are out of diapers. That's her rule not ours.

She had three children and ran a daycare for many years.

She is the lazy grandma







in many other ways too. For example, a few years ago I caught her watching my young nephew eat candy off a month-old gingerbread house. I had to step in and stop him. Not only was the candy old but inappropriately sized for a toddler. She made no comment or move to stop him. She's just like that.

Is your mother caring in other ways?


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

My MIL doesn't change nappies either - she announced this straight off when she came to visit 2 weeks after DD was born. It hasn't really been an issue yet - she lives in another country and we've only seen her a couple of times since DD was born and we've only left her alone with MIL for an hour or so. I don't know if she would continue to refuse to change DD if she were really left alone with her for a while and she was obviously dirty... But if the time comes that I'm considering leaving DD with her for a longer spell I'll definitely be making sure that she's prepared to change her if necessary. If not, then she won't be spending any real alone time with DD until she's out of nappies.
It's a bit weird though..


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Some people get nauseous/retch/etc. when faced with a dirty diaper, but I would think if that were the case she'd just say so ...


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Does your father change the diapers?

This to me would not be a problem - your mother did her time with kids, and isn't required to change more diapers - except for the fact that she wants to spend extended alone time with her grandkids. Of course children should not be left in soiled diapers.

My mother probably changed my daughter's diaper once, if that. I don't care. But my daughter wasn't alone in her care, either. So I was around whenever a diaper needed to be changed, and I (or my husband) would take care of that.

I think you don't have to stop talking to your mother over this. Just not let her take your kids, that's all. No big deal. "Why can't I take them?" "Because you won't change their diapers, and keeping kids in soiled diapers is not acceptable." End of story. "Mom, feel free to come visit, but we do not leave our children in the care of people who will not be responsible for them."


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

No diaper changes = no alone time. It's not fair to make your LO sit in filth for hours just because your mother has a case of the vapors at the sight of a dirty diaper.

Is she like this about other things, OP, or just dirty diapers? How odd.


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

My uncle used to get his son on the weekend and would not change diapers. He'd be at his mother's house all day and let her change the diaper before going home at night and then go back over to her house so she could change the kid in the morning. He has never changed a diaper in his life.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is she cannot take the kids anywhere if she won't change them. I'd just tell her when she asks that "are you willing to change them? Well, if not you can't take them because no child of mine is going to walk around getting a horrible rash because they're sitting in poop." It's not healthy and could be considered abuse. Besides, how does she expect to have a good time with the kids if they're crying because they're wet/dirty?


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## SquishyBuggles (Dec 19, 2008)

Do you cloth diaper? Maybe that weirds her out, some people are weird about that. Nevertheless, I wouldn't allow alone time with her if she isn't willing to change diapers. It's unhealthy and unsanitary. She can't expect you to go along with it!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GGGG* 
Has anyone heard or experienced this:

Both my sister and I have 2 children and live far away from my parents (over 500 miles), we see our mother 2 to 3 times a year. When we get together my mother, she loves and takes care of the little except one thing, she refuses to changes their diapers, has anyone heard of this? She wants to take them to play areas, parks, shopping etc, but will not changes them no matter how soiled they are. Both my sister and I have ask numerous times why and her response is the same everything time, "I don't need to tell you why and just choose not too". My sister and I are at the point were we don't even talk to her because we get so frustrated because to subject always comes up, my father tells us to keep dropping to subject, only one problem with that is she wants the spend alone time with them, this pass x-mas she wanted to take my 2 year old to the mall, when my wife handed her the diaper bag she ask "why do I need that?" , I simply asked her if she was ready to change her if she has a accident, she replied with, "you know the answer to that question", to make a long story short, she took off extremely upset, made the holidays very awkward for my everyone. We return to our home 4 days later (11 hour drives) and haven't spoke to her since.

Does anyone else have a similar story, can anyone help or make sense of this?


I don't think my mother changed my kids' diapers, really. Maybe once or twice. Also, we never lived close when our kids were babies. We visited. However, if she were to have taken them out somewhere, or babysat for us, she would have never just let them stay in soiled, nasty diapers.

I am sorry to be harsh, but I would no longer allow your mother to have unsupervised time with your children. If she is going to let them sit in their own filth, which can be considered abusive, then you should always go with them.

Perhaps you should remind her that someday, she might be the one who has to wear diapers and how would she like it if she were incapacitated and you allowed her to sit in her filth?

This is common sense. I don't care what her issues are. If she spends alone time with children who are still in diapers or potty-training, that is part of the bargain.


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## dongurigal (Aug 5, 2008)

It does sound odd overall, especially if she wants to spend alone time with your DD.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GGGG* 
when my wife handed her the diaper bag she ask "why do I need that?" , I simply asked her if she was ready to change her if she has a accident, she replied with, "you know the answer to that question",

Just curious, when you say accident, do you mean poop, but not pee? I have to admit that I don't bother changing my dd's diaper when I'm out unless absolutely necessary. In other words, a few hours at the mall, if it's just pee, I leave it. I wouldn't care if my parents didn't change DD in that situation. As for poop, nope, I wouldn't be happy if they left her in a soiled diaper that long.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

I don't think my mom has ever changed ds diaper, maybe once or twice? I dunno, I don't really ask her to babysit, I mean she loves ds and enjoys spendign time with him and is totally great, I just don't really leave ds that often yet so it hasn't come up.

I think if she doesn't want to change diapers, she shouldn't have to, but that means that if she wants to spend any length of time with the kid then someone who is willing to change diapers needs to be near by.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My step-dad wouldn't change diapers because they grossed him out. Luckily my mother would so it wasn't a problem. I would never have left dd with them if they wouldn't change her diapers. She had such terrible skin and would get a nasty rash if she was just in a wet diaper for a little while, if she went all day without a change she would have been raw and bleeding. I don't know how your child is with rashes, but they are very painful and the worry about your child getting them is a good enough reason to tell her she can't be alone with the kids if she won't change them.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I haven't heard of that from my family- females anyway.

I would just say okay but no outings alone until the kids are out of diapers. She has her reasons and is not going to change a diaper. That doesn't mean your kids should have to stay in a wet, dirty diaper until she returns them to you. That isn't fair to the kids.


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## Keria (Sep 27, 2008)

A good friend of mine, has a 3 month old his wife just went back to work, they work opposite shifts, the other day he told me he went to her neighbor when it was time time to change his ds diaper, he said he just cant do it he would throw up, I asked if he planned to do this every time his ds needs a fresh diaper, and he said sure why not my neighbor is retired and is at home all the time.

I don't volunteer to change anyones diaper, i have a sensitive gag reflex as well, but I would never let a baby sit in a soiled diaper if the baby was in my care. If DH is around he can do the job, he's a nurse and i think he lost his gag reflex on the first year besides he has tons of experience in the diaper department.


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

My dad wants nothing to do with diapers but he doesn't want to be alone with the baby either until she's talking and totally potty independent so it's fine. My mom says he was always like that and when she'd go out and leave him with me she'd just be sure to change me right beforehand and not be gone more than an hour or so (I don't know if that meant he absolutely wouldn't change me if there was poop or if that meant they just tried to avoid him having to).

I will agree with all the pp and say that if someone doesn't want to do dipes, fine, but then no extended alone time.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

This has been said a bunch of times, but I'll join in with everyone else - If G'ma feels she's served her time as a parent and never wants to change another diaper, that's fine. She'll just have to understand that the consequence of her refusal is not being able to take her grandchildren on outings or have extended visits with them unless their parents are with them.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by **Louise** 
A good friend of mine, has a 3 month old his wife just went back to work, they work opposite shifts, the other day he told me he went to her neighbor when it was time time to change his ds diaper, he said he just cant do it he would throw up, I asked if he planned to do this every time his ds needs a fresh diaper, and he said sure why not my neighbor is retired and is at home all the time.

I don't volunteer to change anyones diaper, i have a sensitive gag reflex as well, but I would never let a baby sit in a soiled diaper if the baby was in my care. If DH is around he can do the job, he's a nurse and i think he lost his gag reflex on the first year besides he has tons of experience in the diaper department.


It is _unacceptable_ to expect a neighbor to change your child's diapers. If I had a neighbor come to me to change his child's diaper, I would tell him that he decided to become a father, he needs to deal with the whole package, not just the fun parts. I might help with the first one, to make sure he knew how to do it, and coach him through it, but I would not volunteer to be his diaper changer.

That guy in your post needs to suck it up, puke if needed, and go on.

I may sound unsympathetic, but I know of what I speak. I was pregnant with *severe* morning sickness when my oldest was still a baby. As in, I had to be hospitalized for a time because I was so dehydrated. When DS had a dirty diaper I gagged and sometimes puked. But, I changed his diaper, because it needed to be done. He could not sit in his excrement all day long because I might puke.

But, I suppose that a guy would get a "pass" on this, as in darn near everything else related to childcare or housework, faster than I would have.


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

: i agree with tinkerbelle! Asking a neighbour to change your own child's diaper??!







:









And wow I had NO idea that there are so many people who flat out refuse to change diapers !!

My DP doesn't like changing diapers. I think it's more cause he's insecure and just not very good at it (obviously he'd get better if he practiced more







). He's only changed dd's diaper maybe, I don't know, 10 times? But he does it, if it needs to be done; like when I was sick in bed for a day; or when I'm gone for an hour or two (even though I usually change her right before I leave and as soon as I get back, sometimes he has to do it and he just does it)









in the OP's case i think the biggest issue is grandma's attitude about it; it seems to make her quite upset? almost like a phobia or something irrational like that..


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I can understand that "my time to change diapers has passed" but she isn't saying that, and there is no reason that would be the kind of thing someone wouldn't want to talk about?

it seems like there is some real issue here... I cant imagine what... but I think she SHOULD tell you. wouldnt it be best if she did and then it wouldn't have to get brought up anymore...

the truth is though it is a health concern, so I agree that no diaper changes means no alone time. I have heard of grandparents who refuse to change cloth diapers though, and would put the kids in pampers even though the parents said not to... but to for no given reason be willing to change a diaper in general, well thats a new one. must be something... I wonder what?


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Seriously? You are in the right here. Your mom is being unreasonable. You want to take the kiddo out? Fine but you better be prepared to fully take care of them. Not changing a diaper you KNOW needs to be changed is neglectful and abusive.


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## kathrineg (Jan 28, 2009)

Maybe (if a boy) he is uncircumcised and she's not comfortable with that?

I think it's weird but it seems like she's really upset at the thought of it and doesn't want to talk about it and, you know, you can't force her to tell you. I would probably let her have the child for an hour or so, close to where you are, and let her know to bring your child to you immediately if sie needs a change.


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## Gabe'sMummy (Dec 4, 2008)

How strange. I agree that your mother is in the wrong, she can't expect you to leave your child if you know he is going to be left in a dirty diaper.

I know a mother at my ex DPs work who never changed any of her kids diapers, just because she was very squeamish. Her husband did them all.

My ex doesn't change poopy diapers when I'm around (he will change wet ones though), but he will change them if I'm out. If his mum's in, he'll get her to do it though!


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## wild fire child (Jun 25, 2008)

I agree, of course, that your mother is in the wrong. However, what sets off bells in my head is that she refuses to tell you why. After that many grandkids and always flat out refusing, the reason must be an odd one. If she'd say what, I'd get over it and just not let her be alone with DCs...but her not saying why would make me really nervous.


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## akaisha (Apr 14, 2008)

i have quite a few aunts who don't do diapers for their grandkids. they did them for their own kids, they're done with that aspect of parenting, and the don't want to do it again.

i totally understand it and have no issues with it at all. if my mom or MIL didn't do diapers it wouldn't bother me.

however, both of those situations only work if they're not alone with the child. my aunts are rarely alone with their grandbabies w/o the child's own mama there. i highly doubt they'd let the LOs sit there in a wet or dirty diaper and i know my mom and MIL wouldn't either. in that case i'd have a problem with it, of course. that's really odd that your mom isn't even telling you why... but ya, i agree with the PPs, no diaper changing, no being alone with the LO until they're out of diapers.


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