# If your house is truly too messy to have company...



## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

We're really bad at housecleaning, and we actually seem to be getting worse - not better. It's not just that kind of clutter where we can do a whirl-wind cleaning when we're expecting company in a couple house. You know those shows where people call in the experts to help them declutter and clean because it's hard to even walk around, no one eats at the kitchen table, and stuff is just everywhere? That's us.

We have a 3-sided breezeway that connects the house & garage, and even that area is filled with clutter. I feel ashamed even when the mailman comes through the porch door to drop off a package.

I'm hoping I can't be the only one. Maybe this is more of a "Personal Growth" issue, but how do you get past the shame? How do you come up with more and more excuses for why people can't come to your house?

Dd's dance recital is this afternoon, and my parents, sister and neice will all be coming. They are probably assuming that we'll invite them back to the house afterward, but there's just no way.

When I have the time and energy, I have no problem just trashing stuff. Holding on to unnecessary things is not too much of an issue. I just feel like I could take a 2 week "vacation" to clean and still not be done.

Please tell me I'm not alone. How do you deal?


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

I have had that house and sometimes I still do. I just invite people over. True friends do not care. When I am old and gray I want to look back on my life and say I lived not regret that I did not see friends and family because I was a slob.

That said, when it really gets to me I pick a corner and start there. Even if all I accomplish is that corner for the day I feel good. I have to make it a priority and it is not one in my life. I dream of a museum showpiece home but there are so many things I would rather be doing.

I feel your pain. If you can ship off the family for a day and have a good friend come help you start.


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## KaliShanti (Mar 23, 2008)

*hugs*

I would probably hire a professional/friend to come take over and ruthlessly declutter/clean.

Quote:

True friends do not care.
Not necessarily true. They may come over because they love you anyway, but if your house is truly gross, I'm sorry, but they _will_ care.

My in-laws house is like this, but it is also dirty ie: pet urine/mess on the carpets, stickiness on the floors, etc. They are great people and I love their company but I really hate taking my DS over there because it's so dirty. It's stinky too. I've wish every time I go over there I could hire a professional cleaner FOR them to come once every few weeks at least, but that might be offensive and I certainly have no money for that gift. They used to use a housekeeper, but moved to a more expensive home and that was taken away in the budget I guess.


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## riaketty (Jul 26, 2007)

Honestly, I've seen a lot of houses like this, and cleaned a few of them, too. The first step is to trash practically everything. :-/ A lot of houses like this are filled with garbage, old mail, old newspapers, ucky food, stuff like that.

After that, start in one corner. Mark out a 4ft by 4ft space, clean it until it's shiney, and then move. Even if you only do one space a day, it'll add up.

And then you have to change your habits so it doesn't end up the same way again. :-/ It's rough! I wish I could come help you. I love tackling big jobs like that


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I grew up in a house like that and I still don't have a habit of inviting people over regularly.

My friends might not have cared, but I did care. (Not enough to clean up the living room and my room, mind you.) I think because I'd also visited houses that were like ours and was simply not comfortable there.

For friends (family, especially family with super clean homes, is a whole 'nother story), and speaking as someone who notices clutter, all you really need is:
1. A not dirty house. Messy yes, dirty no. Sounds like you've got that.
2. Places for people to sit. Even if you have to dump things into paper bags or something to clear the couch off, it works.
3. A way for people to get to the places to sit. Even if you just shove things aside with your feet, it works.
4. A clean bathroom and ways to get there.
5. Light, lots and lots of light. This one's counterintuitive, because you'd think it'd show the mess more, but what it does is make the mess friendlier. People'll be able to see clearly that they aren't about to knock into something or step on something. (One house I remember hating visiting as a child I always think of as filled with junk, but it was actually just so dark there that it felt filthy.)
6. A place to set food/drink if being served.

If you get those 6 things, even a fussy person like me will have no problems with a nice chat at your place.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Mess and filth are not the same, remember. Toys and papers are not upsetting to visitors. I would mostly focus on bathrooms and maybe the kitchen. A goss bathroom is hard on visitors and sticky surfaces on chairs is as well. I wouldn't worry about clothes tossed about, but would more concentrate on cleaning food and waste areas.







: Small steps.


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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)

My house always cluttery and messy too.







Seem like I can keep it clean for a few days and then it all falls apart again. It was just clean a week ago, now it's not. My parents are coming over tomorrow and I'm spending the rest of today cleaning up. It's never really dirty, just tons of stuff everywhere.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Run, don't walk, to the library or bookstore and get the book It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh. (He's one of those TV guys that does the major decluttering.) He will inspire you like you've never been inspired before, but he does it in a nice, non-shaming way!!

One trick from his book:

start with two garbage bags a day. Fill one with trash, and the other one with things to donate. Then get rid of those bags (throw the one away, of course, and take the other one to a donation center.) You'll end up with seven bags of trash and seven donation bags a week, which adds up to a big difference over a year's time!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Dh is too much of a neatnik for us to deal with that now, thank god.

But I grew up in a home that was too messy for visitors. It really affected my and my siblings. To this day, I have this underlying sense of shame about myself and my home, as though there is something dirty or not right that I have to keep hidden from people.

I hope that you'll be able to find some ways to improve this, for your kids and for yourself too







.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

If you have good friends I'd ask them to come over and help. I think most friends are willing to help you fix this.

Then you need to prevent it from happening again. Simplify dramatically.

My home is often pretty dang messy but if given 2 hours I can straighten it well enough for my in laws to come over (my bedroom would still be a mess but that's lack of space because I'd have to move a few things in there).

But if you are talking trash, old food, pet stains, and/or mold those are health hazards and need to be taken care of quickly.

I agree with a PP that your friends might still come over but if its bad enough they will care. If I can't walk or sit down that's a problem.

No one I spend time with now, but I've had friends who's homes were gross to me. One in particular comes to mind. She never had toilet paper or soap, there were what appeared to be pet stains all over her carpet, her home stank, her kitchen was always, always filthy. I did not like going over there and avoided it.
If she had asked me I would have left the kids with dh and gone over to help her clean it though (with gloves on!).


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Our place has been pretty bad. I always make sure the kitchen is clean (still will be piles of odds and ends on counters but not crumbs or crud on them, the floor, or the stove. I've hidden dirty dishes in the oven before I had a dishwasher, lol, and will rinse dishes in the sink so they aren't festering in smelly water). And I make sure the bathroom is clean. After that, I make sure there are places to sit. My place doesn't smell funny, either. Those smelly spray things people use to cover up odors just make things worse.

I figure some amount of clutter at least makes people feel better about their own places, lol. Now that ds is older, it's been easier to declutter. I also can judge better what he might use in the future, what I should hold onto for him, and what to get rid of.

One thing that has worked well for me is to think "a job worth doing is worth doing poorly." Many people get hung up on wanting to do a job really well and thoroughly but they never have the time so they don't do anything. It's better to do some quick damage control more frequently. I just make sure I don't make things harder by hiding messes. I leave things out and have an honest mess rather than packing things into a closet and then not be able to find things. I find it helps to have a few clean spots to rest my eyes on such as a cleared end table, even if there is a stack of books and papers on the floor next to it.


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## bwylde (Feb 19, 2004)

I have been there and if I'm not careful, I get back there quick. Babysteps. I take each day at a time and while I still have my problem areas (family bedroom and kitchen!), I am comfortable having people over. Heck, spur of the moment I invited my dad and brother over for supper and my brother is a neat freak!

I have learned that living mess and filthy/dirty mess are two different things and for the most part, we are the former. As long as I am doing something every day, I am getting closer. I overwhelmed myself thinking it was too much to handle, ignored it and my problem got worse. I had to realize it wasn't going away unless I did something and I spent the last year ruthlessly decluttering. I am taking a little break as I was to the point I couldn't get rid of any more (although there is more, but I need to mentally prepare myself to get rid of it). But now I can have my living room company ready in 5 minutes, 10 if I want to vacuum and dust. The kitchen I could get clean in about 15 minutes if I don't do dishes and if I ignore some of the piles (still bad at those, lol!) and the bathroom, I just have to make sure there isn't stuff all over the floor since the kids like to play in there. I used to hide when people showed up unexpectedly and prayed they wouldn't look in the windows!! No my house is not perfect, just getting things clean enough as not to be embarrassed







. We aren't meant to live in show homes!

Basically,







: to what everyone else is saying


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## Aries1985 (Feb 29, 2008)

I grew up in a house like that and my parents are still like that. It's so hard. It's just clutter everywhere and leaves their beautiful home feeling completely disheleveled and overwhelmed. It doesn't help that my dad is a huge pack rat and just refuses to get rid of things he hasn't used in 30 years!

When there's a special occassion (I had my wedding at their house) my mom spent 2 days overhauling the house and then had a service come in to fine tune everything. When I was younger we usually did have a cleaning lady come every week. My parents both worked full time and no one had time or energy to clean after a busy week.

For my own house, DH and I split cleaning weekly. We do spot maintaince as needed throughout the week, but really concentrate on cleaning on the weekends. We do get clutter, but it gets sorted out every week at least. I've found that doing a little cleaning here and there really helps things go faster and look decent for company.

That said, I still don't like having people over. I think it's because of growing up in a messy/cluttered house that I feel like my home has to be absolute perfection before I can have people over. People don't care though. I know I don't think any less of people if their home is messy.


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## nancyw (Jul 8, 2005)

Pick this up as soon as humanly possible!!

_Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui!!!!!!_

by Karen Kingston

This is a PHENOMENAL little powerful, _*change your life*_ book.
REALLY and TRULY.

you think Im exaggerating....but it was mentioned several times in a thread about two years ago titled something like 'books that changed your life'.....
and so I bought it, and it HAS. I now have four copies which I regularly loan, or end up just giving away, because I feel it is that important. It is a very clear, straightforward, uncluttered look at:
a) the emotional reasons behind clutter
b) the fact that clutter is really 'stuck energy' in various aspects of our life
that coincides with where the clutter is
c) *how*, *why and where to start* clearing clutter,
d) *how to continue*,and,
lastly, how to begin living with a new relationship to the 'stuff' and 'clutter' in our life spaces.

this book has been amazing for me in my life, as you can see!
















just wanted to share that--and the very best of luck to you!
-nancy


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## GruppieGirl (Feb 19, 2002)

One room at a time.

Start with the breezeway. When that is clean you can think about moving on to the next room that bugs you the most.

Once you have things under control, you can keep it up by continuing with your one room cleaning plan. Personally, I work on one room per day.

Good luck to you!


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2 in August* 
My house always cluttery and messy too.







Seem like I can keep it clean for a few days and then it all falls apart again. It was just clean a week ago, now it's not. My parents are coming over tomorrow and I'm spending the rest of today cleaning up. It's never really dirty, just tons of stuff everywhere.

same here... not reallly dirty, just truely messy.


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I'd call your friends to help too. Make a fun day of it..provide pizza and drinks maybe and just chat and clear stuff out?

I agree that true friends would not mind helping at all.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

If you have friends having more kids, try to time the cleaning party to hit as many second trimesters as possible.







My nesting instincts kick in in other peoples' homes, and back in the second trimester I could actually bend and lift stuff.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaliShanti* 
*hugs*

Not necessarily true. They may come over because they love you anyway, but if your house is truly gross, I'm sorry, but they _will_ care.

Yes. Absolutely true. We won't go to MIL's house because it is disgusting. Especially with little kids, we can't take the chance. It's not just clutter (though that's overly abundant), but cat poo, rotten food, and probably a ton of black widows interspersed through all the junk.

She is more than welcome to come visit us; in fact, we pay. But we had to lay down the law about visiting her house.

I hope your house isn't as bad as all that. Good luck!


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

That is exactly how I grew up. I thought it was normal but I was so ashamed as a child. And it is so hard to get rid of those old habits as an adult. But I did it! I joined Flylady.net. I know others have mentioned other books to help and here's another one: Sink Reflections by Marla Cilley.

What I liked about it is that you start out slowly. She gives you practical ways to form routines and habits that you won't burn out on. Yes, you could hire some kind of expert or have a group of people come over and clear out your clutter, but that doesn't solve your problem! Your house will become cluttered again. But by having good routines like Flylady recommends you will slowly get rid of your clutter and not add to it. It is so liberating getting rid of your junk and actually quite addictive. I love my clean, decluttered home now. It's not anywhere close to being perfect, but that's not the point. It takes me less than 15 mins to get ready for company at any time. And you won't get burned out! And I forgot to mention, you will never ever spend hours and hours cleaning your house (that is how you burn out and give up!) You spend 15 mins picking up or decluttering your home each day. And only 5 mins a day rescuing a room that may be overflowing with clutter (you know the type of room, the one you just close the door and pretend it doesn't exist.) You can easily do that.

This isn't a quick fix. This takes time. It might be a few months or only a few weeks before you see significant changes. But don't you think it would be worth it? Wouldn't it be nice to have a decluttered home 6 months from now? Or you can do nothing and 6 months from now your home will be exactly the same or worse.

I don't mean to sound preachy. I've BTDT, but I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. I just wanted you to know that this is doable. You don't need to take two weeks to clear out your home. This is something you can do while going about living your life. Good luck! I hope you find something to works for you.


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## Audra (Jan 15, 2003)

Quote:

But I grew up in a home that was too messy for visitors. It really affected my and my siblings. To this day, I have this underlying sense of shame about myself and my home, as though there is something dirty or not right that I have to keep hidden from people.
I SO relate to this & feel the same way. It's sad. I always thought I would have alot more people over than I do. Entertaining etc. I have this mindset that everything has to be "perfect" to have people over. I need to get over that.

My dh & I both have issues with clutter. First we blamed it on our tiny studio apt. Then we blamed it on renovating this old house & no storage space. I swear it's like the bigger our place the more clutter we have! We have really been trying to work on decluttering this year & made some progress but it's a constant struggle. I get overwhelmed easily so really doing something small like a drawer etc. helps me to at least do something. I did read "Clear your Clutter with Fung Shui" & it made a lot of sense. I need to reread it!

I really try to make sure that my kitchen & bathroom are clean. I do my usual cleaning routine but it's the clutter that gets me. As Fly Lady says "You can't clean clutter" It's so true! Because even though I feel like I'm constantly cleaning it doesn't look like it because of the clutter.


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## DanelleB (Jan 4, 2008)

We're currently living in a too small house with too much stuff. This thread inspired me to tackle the toy situation. Yesterda I bagged up 2 garbage bags (one for tossing, one for Goodwill) and sorted the rest. Now to tackle the rest of the house...


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi there







look at my Name and *listen to me*!







:

I *KNOW* how you feel. I will bet anything that this is not the only area of your life that is in disarray .. are you slow to pay bills, not because there is no money but because the task of doing it after waiting so long is overwhelming? ....

The Truth is you get overwhelmed easily - so the longer you leave things the more overwhelming it gets and you just don't want to tackle it ... I know trust me I KNOW.

I too get overwhelmed easily and then it becomes too big of job to tackle.

Here is what you need to do:
· *DO NOT*[ look at the whole picture -- only look at what you need to do for 10 minutes and for you that *IS THAT THE WHOLE PICTURE*
· You are going to first of all tackle the most important rooms - you need a clean kitchen and bathroom.
· For now you have to play a bit of a mind game with yourself - and its perfect for procrastinators. Everyone can spare 10 minutes - correct? I want you to perfect the art of what you can get done in 10 minutes. Whether you are a SAHM or work outside the home you can do this. For every hour you are at home - take 10 minutes (or if that is too much 5 minutes) and do as much as you can - but it must be a complete task - in other words don't load half the dishwasher and walk away - you need to know you can do that in the allotted time - turn on a timer if you like. Over time I have perfected this and can truly perform miracles in 10 minutes (get yourself some indoor runners
· In 10 minutes I Can


Un load a dishwasher, reload the dishwasher and turn it on and wipe the counters down








I can fold what is in the dryer (cause you stay on top of it so there is only 1 load in there and put it away, and start a new load in the washer








I can thoroughly clean a whole bathroom
Dust 1 whole floor in my house
Clean out my purse
Pay several bills on line and then file themJ
Clean out my fridge including wiping it down
Gather all the garbage in my house and put it out on garbage day along with the recycling items
Make my bed and quickly dust my bedroom


I think you get the picture. Start by choosing a room for the day -and do not get sidetracked and start working on another room - you want a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.
I want you to start by going into your kitchen and thinking about what you can do in 10 minutes. That might be clearing off your kitchen table or even 1/3 of it. If at the end of the 3 /10 minutes you have cleared off your table - thats great!! Its most likely been a long time since you have seen your table - good for you!







: Tonight your family will eat at the Kitchen Table and bask in the glory of how wonderful momma is. Treat yourself to some fresh flowers for the middle of your newly claimed table or a bowl of fresh fruit J
I keep baskets in the area I am working in so I can stay focused and not have to leave. We have a 3 level home - so if I am working in the middle/main level of the house I will have an upstairs basket, a downstairs basket and sometimes one for the garage and of course a garbage bucket.
You can do this - DO NOT look at the whole picture or you will get overwhelmed again and not want to do anything. Just choose a room for the day and 10 minutes out of every hour do something in it. If you are a stay at home mom and are just too busy with a baby/toddler - do 5 minutes an hour








Remember - if your kids are a little older and are able to help - they too get overwhelmed. Make a game of how much they can get done when a commercial is on tv. For one hour at night make them jump up in every commercial and do something - they can be your little cleaning







like put away their own clean laundry, sweep the floor, depending on age maybe they can load or unload dishwasher, make their bed, hang up their clothes, pick up their toys. etc .. if you do it with the right attitude they will think its fun








When my DS was only 2 years old we did "sock dusting" and I would put a sock on each of his hands and he would help me dust - he thought it was fun - Kids quite often like feather dusters too.

When DS had his bath every night that is when I cleaned the bathroom .. and I also folded my laundry as well while he was splashing around.

I read on one of the threads here about a momma who says she knows exactly how long it takes her to boil her kettle for tea so she always runs around trying to see how much she can do while its boiling and then relaxes with her reward - freshly brewed tea !

You will quickly find that while you are cooking a meal that may be several times that you are just








: wasting time waiting for meat to brown or water to boil. quickly do something. You will be glad you did

Its very important that after you have claimed some space - for example that nice kitchen table with flowers on it - that you not loose it. Honor that table and make it clear to yourself and anybody else living in your home that its not a dumping grounds - it must be kept clean. If anyone tries to dump stuff on it give them a good







and make them remove it immediately. After every meal take your dishes etc off that table and put your flowers back. It will give you pleasure everytime you look over that way - and remind you of your wonderful accomplishments so far!

One last point that will help you: Never Never leave a room empty handed... if there is a glass of water on your night table - take it with you when you leave the room and put it in the kitchen (preferably straight into the dishwasher)....

I think you get the picture - PM mail if I can help or encourage you at all

Best wishes














: Happy Dance


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

I use to have tons of clutter - just stuff and things all around. It was always looking messy to me and finally I just did it. I started one area at a time and started tossing and donating.

Wow, did it feel good. And once you start, it gets easier and easier to get rid of stuff. I now keep an ongoing bag that I drop stuff into and bring to the needy shop once a week. Once something is gone and out of the house, I NEVER miss it. Not once!

My house still isn't as "put together" as others (they have cleaning people) but I can walk in or have someone walk in the house and feel good about it.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 
Its very important that after you have claimed some space - for example that nice kitchen table with flowers on it - that you not loose it. Honor that table and make it clear to yourself and anybody else living in your home that its not a dumping grounds - it must be kept clean. If anyone tries to dump stuff on it give them a good







and make them remove it immediately. After every meal take your dishes etc off that table and put your flowers back. It will give you pleasure everytime you look over that way - and remind you of your wonderful accomplishments so far


I did this with my table too. I got so I didn't even like to see placemats on the table! Now once a meal is over, everything comes off except for a pretty bowl and a set of candles. I







walking into the kitchen and seeing this big, clean space!


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

*Decluttering Nut*... thanks for the best post. Ever. (Don't want to hijack, but I'm totally inspired to wipe down my counters now.)


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
*Decluttering Nut*... thanks for the best post. Ever. (Don't want to hijack, but I'm totally inspired to wipe down my counters now.)









_____

AHH shucks - thank you









Its taken me most of my adult life to realize that I get overwhelmed easily and therefore I had half baked projects around the house... didn't finish craft projects etc... all started with good intentions







I used to be so hard on myself wondering why everyone else could get things accomplished and I couldn't







I know now that its just not the way my mind works







Its really a matter of not looking at the whole picture and not even at looking at what I can get done today .. its what can I get done in the next 10 minutes .. and my reward is 50 minutes of a free time







and it really doesn't take that long before it becomes a habit


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## Malva (Nov 2, 2005)

Start with the breezeway.
Then your smallest bathroom.

Seeing results will encourage you.


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## Malva (Nov 2, 2005)

Also, you probably already know about Flylady and I know a lot of people can't stand her but... she really changed my house (and life).

Sign up and delete every email you get until you receive your welcome letter. Read the welcome letter. Read it twice. Then set up your email account to move all her messages to a specific folder automatically.

I finally unsigned up in the last year. It had been at least 3 years since I had actually read any of the emails but I just liked knowing that if I lost control of my house again, I could jump right back in and get back on track.


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## DanelleB (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 
Remember - if your kids are a little older and are able to help - they too get overwhelmed. Make a game of how much they can get done when a commercial is on tv. For one hour at night make them jump up in every commercial and do something - they can be your little cleaning







like put away their own clean laundry, sweep the floor, depending on age maybe they can load or unload dishwasher, make their bed, hang up their clothes, pick up their toys. etc .. if you do it with the right attitude they will think its fun









This is something like what I do with my kids to get them to clean. I give them 5 minute challenges and set the timer. They'll count how many toys they pick up in that time (the little one doesn't count very well, so it always ends up a tie, lol). Then they get a 5 minutes break, and then try to pick up more the next round. It gets the living room cleaned up quickly and they have fun doing it (they even ask for 5 minute challenges when it's cleaning time). My daughter also has to "pay" for computer time by unloading the dishwasher.

My house _is_ alot cleaner than it used to be, but we still have a long way to go.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

when our DS was younger (like age 5 - 10 years of age) .. we did not allow him to just sit in front of the tv . .. he had to do something else as well -- quite often I would dump laundry in front of him and he would fold it while watching.


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## llamalluv (Aug 24, 2007)

http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/

I grew up in a home that was classified as Third Degree. At times (i.e. when we had babies in the house) it would have been Fourth Degree (it was a lot for a teenager to keep up with sometimes...)

It sounds like you are at Second Degree.

I ALSO highly recommend Flylady - she breaks down housework into very simple steps and starts you out with just doing the bare essentials: take care of yourself, the dishes, the laundry, and meals. Then she has you work up to doing things like dusting the corner-rounds - but that's weeks to months down the line. It is such small steps that I am able to handle it even with being ill (I have fibromyalgia). And with my childhood, I can get overwhelmed when I walk into a messy room, so this prevents that feeling. (Though, occassionally the guest bedroom does become a dungeon!)


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## bwylde (Feb 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 
http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/

I grew up in a home that was classified as Third Degree. At times (i.e. when we had babies in the house) it would have been Fourth Degree (it was a lot for a teenager to keep up with sometimes...)

It sounds like you are at Second Degree.

I ALSO highly recommend Flylady - she breaks down housework into very simple steps and starts you out with just doing the bare essentials: take care of yourself, the dishes, the laundry, and meals. Then she has you work up to doing things like dusting the corner-rounds - but that's weeks to months down the line. It is such small steps that I am able to handle it even with being ill (I have fibromyalgia). And with my childhood, I can get overwhelmed when I walk into a messy room, so this prevents that feeling. (Though, occassionally the guest bedroom does become a dungeon!)









:

It was pure shock to me when I read that site and realized I was second degree:

Second degree squalor
Now things are really starting to get out of hand. Signs that you have reached second degree would include losing the use of normal household items like your bed, table, television or telephone, because the piles have expanded to cover the items up. You start to develop new methods of moving around your house, as normal movement is impeded by your piles of stuff. You might start making excuses to discourage people from entering your house.

My blog post when when I made the realization: http://mcveinot.blogspot.com/2008/02/800-pounds.html (we've made a ton of progress since then). I lived in SQUALOR??? It was a wake up call. FlyLady really helped. I don't do it religiously, but I have a knock off group where we post a lot of our challenges and give each other tons of support.

Help is out there!!


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaliShanti* 
*hugs*

I would probably hire a professional/friend to come take over and ruthlessly declutter/clean.

Not necessarily true. They may come over because they love you anyway, but if your house is truly gross, I'm sorry, but they _will_ care.

My in-laws house is like this, but it is also dirty ie: pet urine/mess on the carpets, stickiness on the floors, etc. They are great people and I love their company but I really hate taking my DS over there because it's so dirty. It's stinky too. I've wish every time I go over there I could hire a professional cleaner FOR them to come once every few weeks at least, but that might be offensive and I certainly have no money for that gift. They used to use a housekeeper, but moved to a more expensive home and that was taken away in the budget I guess.

OMG - Are our ILs related (except I don't like their company







). They NEVER clean. I suggested getting them a maid and DH said FIL tried that but MIL didn't like it. Their house is GROSS. There was a blood stain (from the cat) that was on the wall for 3 YEARS. I counted. They NEVER clean their floors and rooms are piled floor to ceiling with crap. Don't get me started on the kitchen. I dread when DS gets bigger. I don't want him on their floors. The good news (I guess) is that they have a cat that both DH and I are very allergic to. So that's why I say I don't want to go.

Anyway, my house gets messy b/c that's the way DH was raised and I can't do everything. I don't let anyone but family come over. DH let people in before and I was p*ssed. I just get fed up and do 1 thing at a time. Today I am going to wash and put away 1 load of laundry. Today I will make DH do the dishes. It all adds up.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *New_Natural_Mom* 
OMG - Are our ILs related (except I don't like their company







). They NEVER clean. I suggested getting them a maid and DH said FIL tried that but MIL didn't like it. Their house is GROSS. There was a blood stain (from the cat) that was on the wall for 3 YEARS. I counted. They NEVER clean their floors and rooms are piled floor to ceiling with crap. Don't get me started on the kitchen. I dread when DS gets bigger. I don't want him on their floors. The good news (I guess) is that they have a cat that both DH and I are very allergic to. So that's why I say I don't want to go.

Anyway, my house gets messy b/c that's the way DH was raised and I can't do everything. I don't let anyone but family come over. DH let people in before and I was p*ssed. I just get fed up and do 1 thing at a time. *Today I am going to wash and put away 1 load of laundry. Today I will make DH do the dishes. It all adds up*.
















:


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Run, don't walk, to the library or bookstore and get the book It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh. (He's one of those TV guys that does the major decluttering.) He will inspire you like you've never been inspired before, but he does it in a nice, non-shaming way!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I have appreciated *ALL* of these suggestions and supportive words. I ended up getting "It's All Too Much" on CD, and that's been really helpful. I have it going on in my car, so I'm able to hear it 10 min. here... 10 min. there... I don't feel like I'm wasting time just _reading_ about clutter. I used to buy books about clutter so I could feel like I was addressing the issue without actually having to clean.









Not only do I love hearing Peter Walsh's cute accent







, but I love the way he addresses the cause of the clutter. He goes way beyond just "how to" - and gets into "how come?" and "now what?" - if that makes sense. I was crying at times (as I am again, now!), hearing him talk about how clutter hurts our relationships, our time with family, our vision for the future, etc.

In 16 days, many relatives are coming to stay at my parents (35 min. away) for a family reunion, so now we have a REAL reason to get things cleared out. I won't be having people stay overnight, but we certainly want to show people our house and have them over for dinner. Between that deadline, and the It's All Too Much audio-book, I expect to start making some progress.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kamilla626* 
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I have appreciated *ALL* of these suggestions and supportive words. I ended up getting "It's All Too Much" on CD, and that's been really helpful. I have it going on in my car, so I'm able to hear it 10 min. here... 10 min. there... I don't feel like I'm wasting time just _reading_ about clutter. I used to buy books about clutter so I could feel like I was addressing the issue without actually having to clean.









Not only do I love hearing Peter Walsh's cute accent







, but I love the way he addresses the cause of the clutter. He goes way beyond just "how to" - and gets into "how come?" and "now what?" - if that makes sense. I was crying at times (as I am again, now!), hearing him talk about how clutter hurts our relationships, our time with family, our vision for the future, etc.

In 16 days, many relatives are coming to stay at my parents (35 min. away) for a family reunion, so now we have a REAL reason to get things cleared out. I won't be having people stay overnight, but we certainly want to show people our house and have them over for dinner. Between that deadline, and the It's All Too Much audio-book, I expect to start making some progress.











I love Peter Walsh, too.

And he's right. I bake with my kids more often when the kitchen countertop is clean, etc. Clutter gets in the way of living.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Run, don't walk, to the library or bookstore and get the book It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh. (He's one of those TV guys that does the major decluttering.) He will inspire you like you've never been inspired before, but he does it in a nice, non-shaming way!!

One trick from his book:

start with two garbage bags a day. Fill one with trash, and the other one with things to donate. Then get rid of those bags (throw the one away, of course, and take the other one to a donation center.) You'll end up with seven bags of trash and seven donation bags a week, which adds up to a big difference over a year's time!

this is a fan-freakin-tastic book. Seriously! I'm almost finished with it now and I've been able to let go of so many things I was hanging onto.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## muttix2 (Apr 24, 2005)

Got to get off mdc now so I haven't read all the responses but here's what I recommend. This is what I use anytime I get backed up on chores.

Set a timer (if you don't have one, set the one on your microwave, if you don't have a microwave, get a timer. Really, the timer is the key so I really recommend it.) for 15 minutes. Go into your kitchen and clean for those 15 minutes. I usually start by loading the dishwasher and cleaning the counters.

Set the timer for another 15 mintues and move into the living room. I usually stand by the door and see what area offends my senses most when I first glance. That is usually my overstuffed bookcase or the desk piled with mail and kid drawings.

Set it for another 15 minutes and go back to the kitchen. Hit the dirtiest areas first.

Now rest for 15 minutes (set the timer so you don't get lazy and rest for too long. One of my bad habits!







).

Start again and incorporate more rooms into the cycle as you make a dent. You're first going to concentrate on rooms that company will see. The living room, bathroom, kitchen, kids' rooms, entrances. Work with your children on this, if they need something you can put the timer on hold and attend to their needs. Bring them in on the cleaning. I turn on some music and we dance around as we rid the living room of toys and books. I let them stop when they are tired but that is the key. If I don't have them cleaning with me, they interrupt every minute or so. If they are involved in the cleaning, they drift off and do their own thing when they don't want to clean anymore. That means that they get the attention they crave and then I get the peace to clean without being constantly interrupted. Plus, I get help cleaning the mess which is generally one they've made in the first place!

Good luck!


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

At my last apartment, things were really yucky. Clutter like you wouldn't believe.

I ended up finding a Professional Organizer on Craigslist. We did a barter and she came to help me tackle ds's room (he wasn't using it at the time, it was a storage/box room.)
She was fabulous. She sat down with me and asked a ton of questions about my lifestyle, etc. She then gave me a chore while she drew up some plans.
She really listened and came up with a layout (and ideas) that would suit my own personal needs. She gave me great tips, etc. She then rolled up her sleeves and worked *with* me to help clear out and organize the room.

I used her services just before moving to my new place (I needed help getting rid of stuff and packing.)

Now that I keep her tips/ideas in mind, it's very easy to clean my new apartment.

She's in MA and I can give you her email address. She's writing an organizing book so she may not be taking on new customers but she can probably help via email or phone. (pm me if you'd like her info.)


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## Owen'nZoe (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 
http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/

This was so interesting to me - reading the descriptions of the levels of squalor, at its worst, I would say my house fits level 1. The house I grew up in probably reached level 2 (with twice as many kids contributing to the mess







). Yet the reaction my mom and I have both always had to our houses matches level 3 ("Essential household repairs may not be done, because you are too afraid to let a tradesperson see your house. Just the thought of someone seeing your mess causes you great stress.").

How funny. Maybe my problem isn't as much being messy as it is needing to relax a bit.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

:


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nancyw* 
Pick this up as soon as humanly possible!!

_Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui!!!!!!_

by Karen Kingston

I just ordered this book... can't wait to read it! This thread has helped me so much. A bazillion thank yous to the OP, I hope it's been helpful for you too!


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## Kinguk (Jun 26, 2008)

I am so glad I found this thread! After I had my baby I found I couldn't keep up with the housework whatsoever. Unfortunately, my husband wasn't much help once he got home.
I'd ask my friends how they did it b/c their houses are always spotless. They do it while their babies nap (mine only has very short naps a few times a day) or they feel comfortable putting their babes in an Exersaucer or leaving them on a blanket in the living room while they get all the housework done.
This may work for them but, then I came to the realization that I am a very hands-on mother and my baby always comes first. If I put housework before her I feel very dissatisfied with myself at the end of the day.
So, I've accepted the fact that my house isn't going to be as clean as my friends and honestly, it's not even baby-proof enough to have my friends over.
I just tell everyone that my house is too messy for guests soalways do things at other peoples houses. It's become a bit of a joke amongst my friends and I. However, when my house is clean I savour the rare occasion and invite my friends over everyday until it's messy again!

www.HolisticMamma.blogspot.com


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Here's what I've learned about myself: I hate to clean. I hate to get off my butt and put things away. I have lots of wonderful things to do, none of which include maintaining my home.

I've found that the only way to minimize my time cleaning is to minimize what we own. Each and every drawer, closet, shelf, and cabinet in my home is only allowed to be 2/3 full. That way, when I want something, I can find it fast, and when I need to put it away, I can open the drawer (or closet, or whatever) and toss the thing back in. No rearranging, juggling, shoving, stuffing, or struggling required. I also have trash cans and wastebaskets all over my house. Yes, this is an admission of laziness. We do not consistently pick up our trash, and in allergy season, the tissue issue (as we called it) got pretty extreme.

Not that it's easy. It took me 18 months to completely declutter a VERY overstuffed house. It was 100% worth it, though. Of the hundreds and hundreds of pounds of things I sold, gave away, and threw away, I have regretted getting rid of exactly one thing. Yes, ONE. I've saved far more money (by not replacing things that I owned but could not find, paying late fees for bills I couldn't find, etc.) by decluttering than it cost to replace that one thing. When my home is not cluttered, it doesn't ever get very dirty. If the floor is clear, it's not a big job to run the vacuum around and to do some quick dusting. If the kitchen counters are not covered in dishes, it's a 15 minute job to wipe the counters and sweep and mop the floor.

Several people have made some limiting suggestions - fill two trash bags every day, use a timer, etc. I think it's not so important what limiter you use, as long as you choose something that works. I used the timer technique and usually did 30 minutes twice a day. Also, don't start with the worst part of your house; start with the best. Counter-intuitive, I know, but you need to see some quick results for the emotional boost it will give you. For me, the kitchen was the least cluttered part of the house (not common, I know, but I don't like to cook and never bought much for the kitchen, so it wasn't so jammed full), so I started there. When it was shiny, sparkly, beautiful, I was so energized that the next room I tackled (the living room) went like butter.

Remember, too, to take small bites! This was key for me, too. Don't look at the whole room. Don't even look at the whole closet. Just the one shelf, or the one drawer, or the one 2x2 section of the floor. Make tiny, manageable goals and give yourself rewards. Decluttering is emotional work and you need to love yourself through the process.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Not to guilt the OP further, but do you really want your kids to remember their childhood of a messy home? Especially one that was so messy you had no folks over? Your home is the base of all their memories. Don't you want better for them when they are grown? How will they have/keep a nice house if you don't show them how?

Start small. Do one room at time. Get rid of everything that is not useful or beautiful. Keep only a small amount of memorabilia. When done, paint a room or have the carpets cleaned. Have a party! Celebrate the only life you have and show your kids how to live life to its fullest.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UptownZoo* 
I've found that the only way to minimize my time cleaning is to minimize what we own.

This really resonated with me - I hate cleaning too, and as much as I *want* to like it (you know, the whole June Cleaver package) I just don't and never have. And I think it's so true, that it's the clutter that makes cleaning such an ordeal. I might enjoy wiping a counter if it's not a hassle to even clear the counter in the first place.

I thought your whole post was very helpful!

As a PP said, clutter gets in the way of living. It absolutely ruined my last pregnancy. I couldn't even enjoy it, because of all the mess and the stress and the shame and the resentment. I cried the day before I went into labor because I needed to clean and it was horrible and people were going to be COMING. And I cried when I went into labor, because my house was too messy to have a baby in. I spent the first hour of my labor frantically throwing stuff behind the futon in the kids' room so I could at least not look at it while I labored.

My house is the worst its ever been... it's never been "under control" but I've been able to pull it back from the brink. I haven't pulled it back from the brink in a while now, not since my last pregnancy, so it went over that line. We're doing a massive declutter this weekend, when Dh can help me get this stuff out of the house.







It's gone.

Looking at the squalorsurvivors.com site - it was scary to me. Because I'm absolutely and unquestionably headed that direction unless something changes. I'm already at level 2 in my bedroom and the dining room!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UptownZoo* 
Also, don't start with the worst part of your house; start with the best. Counter-intuitive, I know, but you need to see some quick results for the emotional boost it will give you.

I'd actually do like 45 minutes on the best part and then like 15 on the worst. Kind of build up some momentum with the easy stuff and then tackle something annoying. That way, when it was finally time to really address the worst room it was already less of a problem.


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

I know how you feel! I think my friend thought it was weird yesterday when I asked her to babysit my kids at her house because it would be easier on me than her coming here.

I have managed to get the public rooms decent but the rest is awful and I'm too scared of people snooping around when I'm not there to block doors, you know?


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## His Own (Oct 14, 2006)

I think your advice is simply wonderful! Recognize your own personal 'style' and work within it. If you know that you don't like housework, keep the house spare and bare!

We have so much stuff that I would like to pitch, but my husband is a pack rat, so I always feel blocked. Your post inspires me to just pitch my own stuff, and try to work around his. Someone else said that 'anything worth doing is worth doing poorly', and I find that helpful too. I can be a perfectionist, but it isn't working for me with respect to my house and the whole clutter problem.

So, if I get rid of every darn thing of my own that I don't want or need, the house should become less cluttered, just not perfectly so. I think this will help me feel better, just having the house look better, not necessarily good.

This may be a goofball outlook, but if it succeeds, to any decent degree, I think I will feel pretty good about it.

I am really appreciating this thread. I don't feel so alone in my clutter.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *His Own* 
I think your advice is simply wonderful! Recognize your own personal 'style' and work within it. If you know that you don't like housework, keep the house spare and bare!

We have so much stuff that I would like to pitch, but my husband is a pack rat, so I always feel blocked. Your post inspires me to just pitch my own stuff, and try to work around his. Someone else said that 'anything worth doing is worth doing poorly', and I find that helpful too. I can be a perfectionist, but it isn't working for me with respect to my house and the whole clutter problem.

So, if I get rid of every darn thing of my own that I don't want or need, the house should become less cluttered, just not perfectly so. I think this will help me feel better, just having the house look better, not necessarily good.

This may be a goofball outlook, but if it succeeds, to any decent degree, I think I will feel pretty good about it.

I am really appreciating this thread. I don't feel so alone in my clutter.

Awww, thanks.







: I think that's what's great about message boards like this one. You can almost always find someone somewhere who's BTDT.

I think that's an awesome point about perfectionism. I don't really do the FlyLady thing, but she makes great points about that. I won't do something at all if I don't have the time and energy to do it perfectly. Crazy! I'm trying to learn to just do things with a lick and a promise. It's truly ludicrous some of the things I do. If you came to my house right now, I could show you a stack of the most perfectly folded and stacked dusting cloths in the world.







:

About your DH, I thought I'd share my experience and see if any of it help. My DH is somewhat of a packrat, too. When I started decluttering, I didn't even address his stuff. There was plenty else to occupy my time! When I started to get things more under control, his stuff was more visible and I started asking him to contain some of it, offered to help him work out storage for it, etc. I didn't ask him to get rid of anything. He'd of course been watching me get rid of tons of stuff and he was enjoying our tidier space and when he was working at storing things, he decided to get rid of some of it, and eventually quite a bit. It's impossible to know how wonderful open space is until you have some!

The one place he dug in his heels was about clothes. He's a clothes horse and our closet was jammed, in spite of my bare-bones wardrobe. It was a PITA to put laundry away in there because it was so full. He refused to store or donate any of it, so I told him that I wouldn't do any of his laundry until he got at least 40 items out of the closet. That worked.







When the closet was at a reasonable capacity, we set the rule that every new article of clothing that comes in requires an article to go out. Saves us a lot of money!


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## His Own (Oct 14, 2006)

Uptown Zoo,

Thanks for the encouragement on the husband front. I don't dare suggest getting rid of anything of his belongings, but maybe, like your fellow, he'll see the benefit himself.

Boy do I know about clothes horses!! I have completely moved all my stuff upstairs so he would have room, and he still cannot squeeze his clothing all into our large walk-in closet. I do his laundry and try to squeeze the things in there. Sometimes I think I should just not bother with hangers. The pants and shirts could probably just hold each other up since they are so tightly packed in!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Also let me say that 1-800-GOT-JUNK is extremely helpful! (If you book online you can get $10 off.) They will recycle what they can, and give to charity what they can, so you don't even have to sort stuff out. Just make a pile and they'll haul it away!!!!!!!


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