# How do you respond to people who brag on about their kids?



## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

I have a friend who I really like except she will get really braggy about her kids sometimes. Like yesterday, we were talking and she metioned (again) how her 4th grader is way beyond the curriculum and getting A+ in everything and then added a new bit of how she is thinking of signing her up for 6th grade next year instead of 5th. (No one at the school has suggested a grade skip for her DD.) She also had to remind me (again) of how her DD's did on last year's state standardized tests. Then later on, she was telling me how she didn't sign her 4th grade DD up for the school track club because she is so much better than the other kids, it wouldn't be fair.

What should I do? Should I just give a neutral response like "Hmm, there's an idea." Should I just agree with her? Like "Yes, you should totally sign your DD up for 6th grade next year!" I do like her other than when she gets braggy so I don't want to be mean or ignore her.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I would just say, "that's wonderful" or similar, and give my advice (I mean, if I thought advancing a grade was a good idea, I'd probably say so - if not, I might offer some downsides). Otherwise, I'd say stay neutral, if you don't really care or have an opinion.

Sounds like she is just really proud of her kid - not necessarily bragging or trying to put down anyone else's kids. Maybe she truly needs help deciding what to do, and it happens to be on her mind a lot lately.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

If it's a general conversation about what our children are doing and how they are, and she's just being honest about her dd, I'd respond with "that's great" or "how nice" or "it's good to explore all your options (about the grade skip)". If her child is doing remarkable, or even not-so-remarkable, things then it would be sad if your friend couldn't share that with you.

If she's seeking advice, I'd provide her with my honest thoughts, if I believed that she wanted to hear them.

If, however, she was disparaging other children or being competitive or wasn't at all interested when you spoke about your children, then I would try to redirect the conversation as soon as possible to other topics - the weather, the economy, recent travels, a new shop in town etc. Unless she was being really offensive about someone or something, in which case, I might challenge her about it. It doesn't sound like that's the case, though. So mostly I'd let it pass and change the subject. You don't have to indulge her, if it's upsetting to you.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I had a friend like that. She would even brag about how tiny and thin her daughter was compared to other kids.

I just let her talk, and never said anything either way. I just agreed, or stayed neutral.

She was sure her daughter should skip a grade, but she wasn't allowed to, because in reality, she had a good student, not an exceptional student.

But, now she's 20 years old, and she's not small anymore, she's average size. She's in college and she's doing fine, but not wonderful, she has an average boyfriend who doesn't go to school or have a job.

So.. in the end, she's a normal 20 year old. Not the wonderful pillar of society she was expected to be. But, for 18 or so years, she was the most awesome person in her mother's entire world.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Eh, some folks have low self-esteem and need to be seen as some kind of super parent to get some satisfaction out of life. I smile, nod and move away slowly. Really, what else can you do?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'd just make a "that's great" or "that's wonderful" type of response, as long as they weren't actively putting down other children. I hear a lot of parents badmouth their kids in various ways, and I'd much, much rather listen to someone brag, yk? (Heck - I've got a thread on here somewhere, with a title like "random brag about my kids" or something like that. I posted it, because I was having a really bad week with the kids, especially ds2, and wanted to focus on the positive.) It's not hurting me any if someone thinks their child(ren) is/are the universe's superbeing(s).


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i am not affected by this.

if anything this tells me more about the mom than the child.

its an indirect cry for support and see what a great job i did giving birth to a super genius.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I guess it depends. If it was just bragging for the sake of bragging, I'd probably smile, nod, & move on. But I think sometimes people have unique struggles in dealing with 'gifted' kids and it may be hard for that not to come across as bragging -- so there would be some situations where I'd be more sympathetic & attentive, offer advice/input if I felt I could contribute, etc.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that.


That's true. I kind of skimmed over that one - it's a bit...obnoxious. I think I might be inclined to call her on that, if I could figure out how. Something like, "that's kind of insulting to the other kids, don't you think?". I'm not sure.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 


> But, for 18 or so years, she was the most awesome person in her mother's entire world.


Don't we all think that about our kids, though? As mothers we find the absolute best in our children and feel a sense of pride about it. We can turn a blind eye to the negatives and exaggerate the positives. Most of the time we know to just hold our tongues or how to temper what we say with a little bit of brevity and humility, but others are just more expressive. Those people, I know are just talking about the way they truly feel about their kids and there isn't anything wrong with that, but it CAN get tiring to hear it all the time.

I guess you could get pissy about it and in a passive-aggressive way, kind of egg her on. "Oh, I know, you're dd is the smartest thing *I've* personally ever encountered. She may need to skip a couple of grades, even. The way she's going, she'll be in college at 13 and a doctor by 20. Etc., etc." I don't know if that might make her realize that her bragging is tiresome or not, but it would be funny to see how far she'd take it if you jumped on the bandwagon with her. I'd probably just ignore it, though.

My niece is a.l.w.a.y.s. bragging to me on her kids about how smart they are and being on the honor roll at school. A couple of years ago, both twins had to be held back a year. Then I find out from my other niece (her sister) that two of her kids will not pass their grade this year unless they go to summer school... go figure. Sometimes it's just hot air and you have to just smile and shake your head and move on. I don't say anything to my niece. I just say, "How nice" and don't even mention anything about my dd, who really is doing well at an academically rigorous school. (But there, I just bragged on her to all of you, so, maybe I'm the pot calling the kettle black.







)


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Random brags don't bother me either. Like if she tells me that her daughter won a race at her swim meet, it doesn't bug me. And that is true about the track comment, she was putting down the other kids.

I guess what bugs me with all the school comments is the repetition. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard how her son was "tearing through all the Treehouse books", what her kids scored on the state achievement tests, how her kids are all "beyond the curriculum", how her daughter needs to get A's to "set herself apart" and how her girls are getting straight A+'s. I guess it's just one area we are really different in as I don't really feel the need to tell people things like that about my kids. I think I just need to start saying "Oh yes, I remember you telling me that." and change the subject!


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I like hearing parents brag about their kids. I egg them on. Of course, I don't mean the kind of bragging where they put down other children or rate them on any kind of numeric scale, like being "the best" in the class or something. No, I like to hear stories about how neat kids are--the wise or funny things they say, their special qualities. Those stories make me very happy. So I would steer a bragging mom to brag about what I want to hear, and then revel in optimism about the future.


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## raksmama (Feb 20, 2005)

I usually just reply with the "how wonderful" or "great" too. I have never confronted anyone on this.

Fortunately none of my best friends brag like that. In the case of the OP, I guess it depends on how close she is with this mother and how often she is around her.

Someone at Dh's work was recently going on about how is 9 year old has read "all the Harry Potter books".

I can't tell you how often I've heard that!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I switch to active listening where I basically just tell them back everything they said, or make comments about how they appear to feel.

"You must be very proud" "You sound happy." etc.

It's just an acknowledging what is going for them from their perspective at the moment. It really doesn't have anything to do with me. They really don't need to me to agree or disagree, just listen.


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

I have a friend like this. Sigh. It can get pretty annoying when EVERY time we get together she has to brag it up about her kid. It is hard, too, because we don't share the same values or expectations for our kids. She is hyper-focused on education and having her kids be far, far ahead of their peer group. 100% isn't good enough, they have to be SO FAR ahead.
When her daughter comes over for a playdate she sends her with reading material and asks that she be made to have "study time." She and her partner work full time and her kid does three sports activities (five+ days a week) and a musical instrument. I only work part time, my kiddo has one sport and one instrument, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with it all. But I cant say anything to her about it because it sounds so easy-peasy compared to her schedule and the schedule she has her kids on.

I can't just nod along and agree when she is full-on freaking out that her 4 year old son is not quite reading above a first grade level when my 7 year old daughter is not, either! I find it hard to be sympathetic when she goes on and on about how they don't have time to be social because of all the amazing opportunities she is giving her children. And I really just have to grit my teeth when she goes on and on about how brilliant her kids are, but at the same time she makes it seem like she doesn't really think they are living up to their potential, and therefor she is indirectly telling me that my kid is unacceptably slow or not working hard enough by her family's standards. (She would be appalled if anyone suggested that she actually felt my child was slow or behind, but I know that if my kid were hers she would feel that way. Average academic effort is just not okay in her eyes, even if the child has other strong talents.)

I know it comes from a place of very low self-worth so I try to be compassionate, but i will say that we hang out a lot less because I just don't find it as pleasant to be around her anymore.


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## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lindberg99*
> 
> I guess what bugs me with all the school comments is the repetition. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard how her son was "tearing through all the Treehouse books", what her kids scored on the state achievement tests, how her kids are all "beyond the curriculum", how her daughter needs to get A's to "set herself apart" and how her girls are getting straight A+'s. I guess it's just one area we are really different in as I don't really feel the need to tell people things like that about my kids. I think I just need to start saying "Oh yes, I remember you telling me that." and change the subject!


You know, this reminds me of how my mom talks about her other two kids, except she's complaining about them instead of bragging. (Seriously, she never has anything nice to say about them.







) And I think with my mom, it's just a desperation for conversation. She's just one of those people who connect with others via talking, and combining that with her poor memory means she's telling you the same thing over and over and over. She also repeats herself about other topics.

So maybe that's your friend's problem.


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## mommy212 (Mar 2, 2010)

She just loves her little girl and takes pride in what she does. As long as she isn't saying things like "oh, my little one is doing so well! Maybe someday your kid will too" or something else annoying or disparaging, I would just be like "oh, how nice. Did you read with her a lot as a child (if she is a good student" or whatever the case may be... The little girl might feel really good as well, hearing her mother's praise.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree*
> 
> If it's a general conversation about what our children are doing and how they are, and she's just being honest about her dd, I'd respond with "that's great" or "how nice" or "it's good to explore all your options (about the grade skip)". If her child is doing remarkable, or even not-so-remarkable, things then it would be sad if your friend couldn't share that with you.
> 
> ...


I like this response a lot.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> Normal, excited brags I don't mind -- it's exciting when your kids achieve something, and I usually share in the parent's joy about their child. But comparisons (like the track comment in the OP, where her friend said the reason she didn't sign her DD up for track was because she's so much better than the other kids) annoy me. I'd probably still just give sort of a vague smile or something, but I don't think I'd be able to chime in approvingly over a comment like that.


I feel this way, too.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I switch to active listening where I basically just tell them back everything they said, or make comments about how they appear to feel.
> 
> ...


I think this is very true.

What I notice for myself is that when I'm feeling 100% confident in DS and his abilities in an area, other people's brags don't bother me in the least. At best, I can be enthusiastically excited for the other parent, at worst somewhat disinterested but able to murmur along happily and supportively.

So, for instance, my DS is a really good little artist (sorry for the brag) and his sense of 3D, space, etc. is, pretty objectively, advanced. He loves art and building and we nurture that. When friends brag about their own kids artistic abilities (and I'm in a pretty creative circle so a lot of friends have some very talented kids), I can be completely happy for them and their kids and be very enthusiastic with utter sincerity. However, DS is borderline dyslexic, doesn't like to read (as a PhD in the humanities, let me tell you, this is *hard* for me!), and is, at most, reading at grade level, but is probably actually somewhat below grade level and his spelling is *definitely* below average. When friends brag (or even just mention) that their kids have read through Harry Potter at age 7 or have torn through the Treehouse books or whatever, I start feeling grumpy, dissatisfied, and negatively towards them, even though, in most cases, there was no real "brag" intended! I feel insecure about DS' reading and it's harder for me to take joy in other kids' success in this area.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Are her kids there?

For my eldest a compliment to HER is difficult for her, but if she overhears me telling someone else how great she is she GLOWS with (justified, sorry for the brag!) pride.

Maybe she's telling her kids how she feels rather than you?


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

No, her kids are never there. This is when we go walking while kids are at school.

DariusMom, I can see what you are saying but I don't think it's that. My kids do fine academically. It is just her constant relaying of scores and grades is what gets me. Her kids are fabulous swimmers whereas my daughter is not and hearing her say how they won a race or whatever never bothers me. I am happy that her kids do well on the state standardized tests but really, how many times can I be happy over her kids' scores on a test they took in April of 2010? What if you had a friend who reminded you weekly about how her son won an art contest last spring...could you keep saying "Wow, that is great!" every time you heard about it again?

Which makes me think it really isn't the bragging, it's more the repetition. Which is why I think I am going to work on coming up with new topics other than last year's state tests! We are hopefully walking this morning if it quits storming, so I am going to try to keep off the topic of grades and tests.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

I could see why the repitition is an issue. No advice there.

Is her daughter better then the other kids at track tho?

If she is, then it was a statement of fact.

Could it have been worded a bit better...of course. Couldnt we all have worded something better at one time or another in our lives.

Shoudl she repeat it 100x a week.....nope. But what can you do to stop her w/o ending the freindship?

If her DD isnt better...then the mother is under some delusional state of mind which will also come to light sooner or later.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lindberg99*
> 
> how many times can I be happy over her kids' scores on a test they took in April of 2010? What if you had a friend who reminded you weekly about how her son won an art contest last spring...could you keep saying "Wow, that is great!" every time you heard about it again?


gently remind her that's she's told you before, and then offer a new subject. something like, "yes, I remember how excited you were when you got those scores. So, we are going on a picnic this weekend. What are you guys going to do?"

acknowledge, but then bring her into the present.

Figure out what you like about this woman and draw those parts out while you are together. What do you like talking to this woman about? Pivot the conversation to those things. If the only thing you like is that she is available to walk at the same times you are, then it really isn't a friendship.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Today was a lot better. I do like talking to her as long as we don't talk about school too much. So I kept her on other things like summer plans, etc. And when she started ragging on something another kid did, I got her to see it from a different viewpoint and then changed the topic! I think this thread helped me figure out what it was that was bugging me about her.

Thanks for all the advice!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lindberg99*
> 
> Today was a lot better. I do like talking to her as long as we don't talk about school too much. So I kept her on other things like summer plans, etc. And when she started ragging on something another kid did, I got her to see it from a different viewpoint *and then changed the topic!* I think this thread helped me figure out what it was that was bugging me about her.
> 
> Thanks for all the advice!


Yep, it's time to master the "So, do you think it's going to rain?/What do you think of the NBA playoffs?/did you hear they had an earthquake in Spain?" reply. Come up with 2-3 changes of topic for when she goes on and on...


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tinuviel_k*
> 
> I have a friend like this. Sigh. It can get pretty annoying when EVERY time we get together she has to brag it up about her kid. It is hard, too, because we don't share the same values or expectations for our kids. She is hyper-focused on education and having her kids be far, far ahead of their peer group. 100% isn't good enough, they have to be SO FAR ahead.
> When her daughter comes over for a playdate she sends her with reading material and asks that she be made to have "study time." She and her partner work full time and her kid does three sports activities (five+ days a week) and a musical instrument. I only work part time, my kiddo has one sport and one instrument, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with it all. But I cant say anything to her about it because it sounds so easy-peasy compared to her schedule and the schedule she has her kids on.
> ...


See, this kind of thing makes me crazy. I don't really care what the mom thinks, but I think about how much pressure this poor kid is probably under and that makes me at least respond with "Have you ever thought about the kind of pressure your daugther/son probably feels? Do you ever worry that your high expectations and goals might be a little too much pressure for them and that it might backfire?" I'd say something like that to this kind of parent, because it usually is a situation where the kids do feel seriously under pressure, and not the healthy normal pressure that most parents who want their kids to succeed put on.

Other than how bad I feel for the kids of parents who go on like this - to an extreme in my opinion - I pretty much just ignore and avoid people like this. For me anyway, it's hard to imagine what I'd have in common with this person? Unless they're a coworker or I know them some other way than socially, in which case I'd just constantly re-direct the conversation or ignore them.


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## SilverFish (Jan 14, 2010)

we all only have toddlers, but my mom friends sometimes get into this cycle where all we do is talk about our kids. often it's funny or new things they're doing, but i could see how if they were school-aged, it might end up being more about grades and achievement. for us, it is just habit. we are all interesting people with lots of ideas and thoughts about other things in the world, but sometimes being a mother is a bit all-consuming and so the all we can think of to talk about is our kids.

when i noticed us doing that a lot, i made a concerted effort to have other topics to talk about. i would find an interesting article online and share it with my friends so we could discuss it when we met. or ask more in depth questions about their childhoods, future plans, etc. not in any formal way, just realizing that it's sometimes hard to get out of mom-gear, and even i needed a bit of a kick in the pants to not discuss for the 40th time that week how many hours a night my dd slept (or didn't sleep).

it really seems to have worked, and now that we all know each other on a deeper level than just that our kids are the same age and play together, we never have to search for topics of discussion. i mean, we still brag on and discuss our kids in detail, but not with the same repetitiveness that it used to have.

it seems that a similar thing is working for you too, OP.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

My parents did this with my little sister, who excelled at school as a very young child. They would always say things like, "Well, she went to K when she was 4 and she was still above grade level." My sister is now 18 and has some really screwed up social issues:
she's a know it all
She acts like a 30 year old or a 12 year old
She thinks she can do anything, without thinking of whether or not she is actually prepared to do the task.
She always hypes stuff up to make herself look better (ie. she was working at a theatre company and she says , "Oh, I work in the marketing division at blahblahblah." (she is in marketing school). She works as a telemarketer from 6-9 pm 3 nights a week. I wouldnt call that the "marketing division."

The point is that she always feels like she has to present herself as being at the top, when she is actually a small town girl who is a freshman living in a college apartment in a new city. Her eyes should be huge with excitement and adventure, and instead she is trying to make it seem like its not difficult or exciting. She cant learn anything from anyone else, because she is too busy pretending like she already knows. (I lived there for almost 10 years, so I know a lot about the city). My parents have always expected her to know everything about everything, and always doted on her for being so smart that she has wound up looking like she thinks she is WAY smarter than she is. In actually, she is very socially awkward, and most people exchange knowing looks when she is talking.

If this was a close friend of mine, I would probably try to point out all the other awesome things he kid was good at that werent school related. "Oh, your DD is so creative when they are playing pretend." "Oh, your DS is so polite." Maybe it would help her to see that she was a good parent without needing to have the ," My kid is so awesome at everything she does" approach.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

So not to hijack your thread here but I have a friend who always talks about how beautiful her DD is and how she has the perfect figure and a big booty and how everyone will be jealous of her skin ect and our DDs are only 3 months apart. It makes me upset b/c she never says anything about my DD and she will just go on and on for like 30 mins about how gorgeous her kid is. Yes her baby is beautiful but I think most babies are beautiful and telling a less-than-2 y/o they are sexy and have a nice booty is just weird. She evn got in a tiff with me before b/c I said DD had a little booty herself and she was like "No you are crazy her booty is NOTHING compared to my DD's my DD has an amazing booty your girl has like no booty!" I was like "UMMM"

How normal do you think that is?


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SilverFish*
> 
> we all only have toddlers, but my mom friends sometimes get into this cycle where all we do is talk about our kids. often it's funny or new things they're doing, but i could see how if they were school-aged, it might end up being more about grades and achievement. for us, it is just habit. we are all interesting people with lots of ideas and thoughts about other things in the world, but sometimes being a mother is a bit all-consuming and so the all we can think of to talk about is our kids.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with the above. Being a mother is all-consuming. My life is so different now than it was a year and a half ago. I've often caught myself in conversations where I found that all I was talking about was life with DS. Not a lot of my friends have children. When I catch myself, I mix up the conversation to talk about their life and other topics. Because I realize not everyone finds DS as fascinating as I do.









Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> So not to hijack your thread here but I have a friend who always talks about how beautiful her DD is and how she has the perfect figure and a big booty and how everyone will be jealous of her skin ect and our DDs are only 3 months apart. It makes me upset b/c she never says anything about my DD and she will just go on and on for like 30 mins about how gorgeous her kid is. Yes her baby is beautiful but I think most babies are beautiful and telling a less-than-2 y/o they are sexy and have a nice booty is just weird. She evn got in a tiff with me before b/c I said DD had a little booty herself and she was like "No you are crazy her booty is NOTHING compared to my DD's my DD has an amazing booty your girl has like no booty!" I was like "UMMM"
> 
> How normal do you think that is?


I think it's really strange to sexualize a less-than 2 year old. Furthermore why is she so fixated on her DDs figure? Seems to me like she might be insecure about herself...?


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I think it's common, but it's unhealthy. In this case too, aside from the annoyance of someone who goes on and on and on and ON... I'd ask them if they're really comfortable with their kid being sexualized at such a young age. I know the mom probably doesn't think of what she's saying as "sexualizing her child", but when you focus on how nice a child's "booty" is, you are teaching that child and everyone around them that this is what's important. Booty. Not kindness, not creativity, not smarts, not humor.

Like the PP above who's sister is 18 and instead of feeling like she's got the world ahead of her she's feeling like she's got to show everyone she's "been there done that" with everything, growing up with a mom who tells you and the world how beautiful you and your booty are ad nauseum is a recipe for a little girl to learn that that's what she needs to present about herself, that's what's most important/valuable, and that the people who show an interest in her beauty and booty, they are the ones that make sense.

And let's not even get into the teen years and how this message often manifests in behavior... scary stuff.

It's more common than it should be, but common doesn't = healthy by a long shot. This is a very unhealthy pattern and I feel for the little girl.


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