# Is it normal to dislike your child?



## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

I need some insight. Maybe some other moms have felt this way..

I recently had a new baby, she is 4 weeks old and AMAZING. She nurses easily, cloth diapering is going well, she sleeps A LOT. I enjoy sleeping in the same bed as her, she is just simply a JOY.

I also have a 2 year old. She was the opposite of DD2, did not nurse, my breastmilk bothered her and made her sick, she had colic, acid reflux, food allergies, excema, was always fussy, slept barely at all, hated cosleeping. I also had PPD and undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. I HATED her, I resented her, and didn't want to be a mom, didn't enjoy it, left her with my mom whenever I could. I mean I loved her, but I was just so tired and sad and stressed. Then she turned 1 and things started to get better and I started to bond and enjoy her more and more. She slept easily, ate better, excema got better. Then she turned 2. Now I am back to feeling like I dislike her. It is very apparent I feel differently about the new baby. I love them both so much, but she is so trying lately. She is whiney and demanding and MEAN. She yells at me and throws things. She wants to help with the baby and I try to let her, but she is not gentle and hurts the baby a lot.

I am stressed out about how I feel toward her. SHe is MY daughter and I want to enjoy her, but lately there is this feeling of just disliking her. I feel so bad because I just adore the baby, she is such a different personality already. I am sure she will have her moments too...

I am rambling.. Can anyone help, commiserate, share insight?

Please do not flame me, I feel bad enough already.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## emamum (Dec 4, 2008)

no flames just a hug

i had ppd with ds (now 7) and i have dd who is now 23 weeks.. i got ppd with her but it wasnt 'aimed' at her, ds has aspergers and is very difficult and doesnt like change so it was hard for me to care for him while tired and also look after a new baby (im a single parent with no support at all) dd is also the opposite of ds, she is the easiest baby i have ever met (and i work in childcare)

i always love him but sometimes i dont like him very much and need some time away from him.

obviously just my opinion but could it be ppd?


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emamum* 
no flames just a hug

i had ppd with ds (now 7) and i have dd who is now 23 weeks.. i got ppd with her but it wasnt 'aimed' at her, ds has aspergers and is very difficult and doesnt like change so it was hard for me to care for him while tired and also look after a new baby (im a single parent with no support at all) dd is also the opposite of ds, she is the easiest baby i have ever met (and i work in childcare)

i always love him but sometimes i dont like him very much and need some time away from him.

obviously just my opinion but could it be ppd?

I have a lot of things going on with me, personally and emotionally. Maybe it is PPD, I have felt great toward the baby, but Abrielle is just driving me nuts. I am single as well and my mom helps but honestly I think that is making it worse. But my DD is so attached to her and I feel bad cutting back the visits.

I am stressed, that is a fact and maybe that is contributing. I am SAH with the girls right now and the baby has to be with me because she is nursing. She dislikes bottles A LOT and she is not taking them well and honestly, I would hate to give her one anyway. I am completely running a household on my own so I really have done well adjusting to the tactical care like bathing, laundry, and home care.

I would love to do more with DD1, I try to read to her, but she doesn';t get that after 6 books, I need to tend to her sister or I am tired of reading and then FLIPS. I think SHE is stressed and maybe sensing I am not happy with her a lot of the time.

I guess I have to set aside at least a 30 minute period daily for Abrielle and JUST Abrielle.

I want to cry right now. I feel AWFUL.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I sometimes feel guilty because I enjoy spending time with dd so much (she's 11 months) and I don't always enjoy spending time with my ds (who's 4). For me, it's fun to be with my pre-verbal child, who expresses so much joy and wonder at everyday things, who always has a big smile for me. My 4-year old is often complaining, or just underwhelmed at things I think will be fun for him. I still love him dearly, but he's at a stage where he's not always lots of fun to be with. I want to be careful that I'm not giving him the message that I love dd more...but it's hard sometimes. I think it's normal to "like" the stage that one child is at, or the other child is at, throughout growing up, but it doesn't really mean that you love one child more than the other.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

I go through this cyclically. It seems whomever needs more mama time is usually being the most demanding and perhaps least lovable. It is always loud and clear to me who needs me the most, but I am also cautious to keep a balance in an effort not to promote a culture where being the squeaky wheel (which I can't stand wheels squeaking) always gets the grease and being nice and agreeable gets you nada. Stepping back and viewing my older child as still a child (even though much bigger than the new baby) always seems to help too as I think I place very unrealistic expectations on him for his behavior when what I really need is some more support in my parenting/mothering role.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I didn't like my 2nd dd, Erica, until she was 5. I loved her but she was a difficult child to like. It wasn't until she was an adult that we found out that she is bipolar, OCD, and has social anxiety. Not saying that your child has these but just to explain that is why Erica was hard to like. You have both a newborn and a 2yo. Not the most ideal situation even without the problems that Erica had.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

We do not have particularly challenging kids, but like all kids, they have their moments and their phases.

There have totally been periods of time where one child has been very difficult to like even though we loved them. I've also found that, when a new baby arrives, I have a tendency to really want to protect the baby and I can be bothered very easily by the other children. I'm sure it's biochemical. DH doesn't suffer from it. He takes care of the older kids when I'm busy with the baby.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I have one child that is difficult to deal with. I give myself breaks often to help myself stay calm.

Hang in there.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

To answer you title question, IMO, yes it's normal to not like your child periodically.

To address your specific situation, you are under a huge amount of stress. I completely understand and can't flame you.

You may get to the point when they are older, are in school, are less physically dependent on you, you'll have a little more tolerance.

You don't realize how tiring their physical dependence is until one day you realize you haven't had to carry ANYONE for a whole day, you haven't had to change a diaper, your child can get herself dressed, can buckle herself in, can go to the bathroom by herself, can pour her own bowl of cereal, you don't have to watch her quite so carefully.

I also discovered that while of course I loved my babies, I'm not particularly a baby-mom if you know what I mean, and I _enjoy_ my kids more the older they get.

Are you medicating your bipolar?

I discovered I have bipolar II when my second child was 3 years old. Funny how that happened.









Edited to add, it will get better for you. Be compassionate with yourself. You had a little bad luck to begin with your first. You got some bonding with her later. You two will bond again more, later. But honestly, 2 year olds, and more so 3 year olds IMO, can behave like little obnoxious imps!







It's not your daughter specifically, it's the age.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I couldn't stand my first child after my second was born. He was a difficult baby but a loving toddler. Then when his brother was born he became an angry, violent kid who threw things at me.

Meanwhile, I had a wonderful mellow baby, no nursing problems this time around - and I couldn't enjoy him because I was so busy dealing with Mr. Awful. "Take him away!" I would beg my dh as soon as he came home. Yeah, I wasn't feeling a lot of love.

So yes, it's totally normal. And it takes awhile to resolve. Could be a couple of years, even. The main thing is not to beat yourself up over it, not to try to deny what you feel, but simply to go along the best you can. It gets better.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I didn't read your signature in your first post. No new mom can do it all. You need help, a neighbor, a best mom friend, a relative. Someone who can either tend to your newborn while you tend to the 2 yo or who can take the 2 yo to the park, store, etc while you are with the newborn. Who will help clean house, cook, do laundry, etc. In short, who can give you a break. Heck, even with a husband, I couldn't do it all. And Joy has 3 other adults and an 11 yo brother to help her with 3 kids (4, 2, and 7 mos) and it's still chaos and drama around here.


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## New (May 20, 2008)

Counseling?


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

OK, I am going to address some of you, if I forget someone sorry..

Bi-polar, I am not medicating. I am actually functioning much better without them as for child care as they make me so tired I cannot physically stay awake. So until my LO is not nursing anymore, I will not medicate, because I will literally sleep through her crying, would not be able to bed share or any of that.

Counseling- I gave it up when I lost my insurance before I had the baby, I need to make the call to go back, although it's hard to get a sitter with a nursling right now, she will not take the bottle for sure and it wouldn't be a great idea to leave her with anyone.

Friends/helpers- Most of my friends are young, not parents, still partying and not really the best people to take care of my children, they are shorter tempered and do not subscribe to my AP style. It is really hard for me to make new friends as well. I just tend to have a hard time socially.

My mother does take my two year old often and pretty much lets her do whatever she wants, so when Abrielle comes home she resents me because there are rules here.

Some things I have noticed about me that I CAN change:

Trying to let her be autonomous in a safe way
Not say no so much and suggest safe/healthy alternatives
allow myself time in my room ALONE. If she is safe and in her room and not screaming I can relax in my room with the LO and just try to count to 10
The house doesn't always have to be perfect (OCD tendency I think)

So lately I have been avoiding the word NO as much as possible, letting her room be a mess, letting her help with safe tasks and understanding her tantrums are out of frustration with the stage she is in IE: wanting autonomy and not being able to have it in totality.

I LOVE my daughters, but I just need to find a way to deal with DD1 even when she is being a little tough. I try to hug her and listen to her as much as possible, some days I am better at that than others I suppose.

Thank you everyone for not making me feel awful , it's nice to know I am not the only one who feels this way.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Second hand information. Eirca wanted to nurse Matilda but was unsure if her bipolar meds would be good for Matilda. It turns out that the meds she is on, is the one that is used to treat PPD and is safe to breastfeed on (according to Dr Hale). Particularly since Erica had been on them throughout the pregnancy. The dr did lower the dosage just to be on the safe side. I don't remember what meds Erica is taking. I'll ask her when she comes over today.

All of the above is a round about way to suggest that you investigate going back on your meds. Find one that doesn't make you as sleepy. Erica swears by her meds and would have formula fed Matilda if her meds weren't compatible with breastfeeding. Feeding her dd formula would have been better than having a suicidal mom . Or at the best, a mom who doesn't care and can't make the effort.

Erica is on Prozac. And she takes it at night, instead of in the morning, after Matilda has nursed and gone to bed. That way it doesn't matter if it makes Erica sleepy.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I just want to gently suggest that this is not a question of not liking your child, but not liking the stage she's at, too. I understand she's a kid who has needed/demanded 'more' in that way but I also think 2 is just really hard!!

Try to see the best in her when you can and cut yourself some slack.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

My DD was pretty difficult at 2, she is now going to be 3 in a couple weeks and is so much easier to deal with. Having 2 small children and being a single mom, wow I don't know what to say. A 2 y/o is just plain tough. My DD was a dream baby, she slept, nursed and was also a joy to sleep with. Then she started getting mobile and by 13 months I seriously felt crazy, she teethed _constantly_. I wore her in an Ergo to nap, her sleeping turned to crap and my DH was just super busy often with his job, so many times he just couldn't really help me. He was also studying for his electricians test, so he was very stressed, it was Christmas we were also going to Mexico in Jan, it was just rough. DD also decided that Daddy was the only one who could do ANYTHING for her, that was very difficult too.

My DD is in the "spirited" tribe, she is an extremely intelligent extrovert who craved so much attention, at times it drove me so nuts. I used to go to a mom's group, but having a wild toddler and everyone else had small babies just didn't really work. She wanted to wrestle with the babies and maul them. We stopped going it just was too stressful.

I just had a meltdown recently and felt like I was the worst mom on earth, we'd had a bad week of sleep, I was exhausted, burnt out and 7 months pregnant. I just totally lost it on DD, and I then talked to DH and said I just should have listened to him when he said that he didn't believe I was ready to have kids years ago. I told him he'd been right and I was a bad mom







and I didn't deserve to be her mom. Obviously it isn't true, and most of the time I AM a good mom, but I also am human.

I'd be seriously thinking about getting counseling and definitely getting back on your medication if you suffer from PPD and Bipolar disorder. That really can skew your reality.

Hugs-it sounds hard.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

I have been off my meds since I got pregnant. I am managing well and I would stop nursing and FF if I felt I needed the meds.. I do like my meds, but formula feeding went horribly with my first and honestly I got LESS sleep and was a lot worse with her than with DD2. I am at least getting rest, KWIM? My sleep is imperative to my bi-polar symptoms, so Anna nursing and co-sleeping is helping.

This is simply just not liking my childs stage, rather than her... I said that wrong I guess. She has been completely better the last few days I have limited the No's and tried to be more patient with her. Maybe it is me, rather than her who is making her behavior less than desirable?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I think children's behaviour always deteriorates with parental stress. DS2 has been a PITA for the last two years, and since I came safely home with dd2, he's improved a _lot_ (still a few ongoing problems, but not like it was). He just hated that I was so tired, and was dealing with his own fears after we lost Aaron, and picking up on my emotional state (afraid of the c-section, afraid of losing another baby, excited to meet this one - all mixed together). Added to his own personality, the stress just made him...impossible. It's not uncommon to dislike a stage a child is going through.

As to disliking our own child? I'm always fascinated by the reason people think this should be so outrageous an idea. Children are _people_. If there are people we dislike, why can't there be children we dislike? It's unfortunate when a child we don't like is our own child, but it can happen. I wish it didn't, but it does. The trick, imo, is to acknowledge that to ourselves, do our best not to let our child know it, and concentrate on how much we love them...because we can love people we don't particularly like.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Oh I get the sleep thing for sure. That's where I lose it the most when I am completely sleep deprived. I suffer from hormonal migraines brought on from nursing and getting my period back as soon as my baby is born, so I have a hormonal fluctuation the whole time I nurse-my body is just bombarded, and I do all the "right" things. They seriously make me feel crazy, I feel your pain in a different way. I may have to be medicated so that my migraines won't interfere with my life when my baby is born, not looking forward to that, but I also am not looking forward to trying to care for 2 young children with debilitating headaches that leave me to not be able to care for any of us.


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## punkrockmomma (Jan 29, 2008)

I have been dx'd with depression, anxiety, and ADD. So I can understand where you're coming from. I have a high needs 2 year old DD, who was also colic as a baby, and very difficult to sleep with. I've also gone through some periods where I don't like my DD, but I usually come to the realization that it's the stage she's in that I don't like. 2 year olds are really tough. I've made a lot of parenting, and personal choices I'm not happy with due to my DD's personality, and my own crap. Sometimes I feel like a really bad mom due to a lot of this stuff. It does make me feel a lot better though when people who know tell me what a good kid DD is, and how well adjusted she is etc. I know my issues play into all of this, and that is why I've decided to go to school, and put DD in child care, and not be a SAHM anymore. It just doesn't fit my personality. And this change will be to everyones benefit.

I'm also seeing a lot of different people for my various problems, and doing as much research about them as I can. This is helping a great deal, and is also helping me to feel empowered about really fixing my problems, or at least lessening the symptoms.

Also, any good psychologist or therapist should not mind you bringing your baby to your sessions. My DP and I sometimes have to bring DD to our counseling sessions, and our therapist doesn't mind.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I just want to gently suggest that this is not a question of not liking your child, but not liking the stage she's at, too.

Can't say I agree. It wasn't some random behavior throwing those wooden train tracks at me while I was trying to nurse my baby. It wasn't a "stage" hitting me repeatedly and screaming on the floor. It was my 3yo. I didn't like him then.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
As to disliking our own child? I'm always fascinated by the reason people think this should be so outrageous an idea. Children are _people_. If there are people we dislike, why can't there be children we dislike? It's unfortunate when a child we don't like is our own child, but it can happen. I wish it didn't, but it does. The trick, imo, is to acknowledge that to ourselves, do our best not to let our child know it, and concentrate on how much we love them...because we can love people we don't particularly like.

Couldn't agree more.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

Well, yesterday I did not particularly LIKE my 7yods. I loved him but I did not LIKE him. He drove me off the deep end yesterday, he was so bad. And I don't have ppd or any other issues. I also have two girls, 9&11, and I entertained the thought of what life would be like if I had stopped at 2 children and never had ds. How easy and wonderful and simple my life would be.

(I can't believe I just wrote that.)

Last night before I went to bed I checked on him and he looked so beautiful, peaceful and angelic while he slept and I thought "what is wrong with me







?"

Today is a new day and I love him again.

Hugs to you, Mama. Mothering is SO HARD.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

It can be normal to dislike your child's behavior. It doesn't mean you dislike her/him, just the behavior.

However, if you feel the feelings getting stronger and unrelenting, then I would definitely seek therapy.

It sounds like you're exhausted.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

No, I am really ok, I realized the way I react to her behavior can REALLY change her reaction.

I am tired, but really doing so much better this time around with a new baby than with her. Probably the bfing and hormones.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

I just want to address one BIG thing. Even if your oldest had been the easiest, kindest, most mellow and happy baby in the world, she would still regress with a new baby in the house. It totally upsets the family dynamic, and just as you have to get used to the new baby, she does too. You had a hard time the first time, maybe now it is her time to have it hard. She is only 2 years old, and she was the center of your attention, and now suddenly this 4 week old blob has come along and totally taken her place. It is totally normal for her to be jealous, be angry, and to regress, to be needy and to try and be the baby again, so she can replace the new baby that has stolen her spot.

DS was 25 months when DD was born. He was a totally mellow kid. But he did regress when she was born. He became very needy for a while, whiney, wanted to be the baby.... He was not much more than a baby himself when she was born, and he didn't ask for her, in his world view, she just appeared on the scene.

FWIW: by the time DD was 6 months, it was mostly over. By the time she was 9 months, we had all comfortably settled into the new routine, and by the time she was a year they were friends. They are now nearly 3 and nearly 5, and have been the very best friends, rarely an argument, for the last 2 years.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Without reading other replies, here goes.

I think it is a normal biological/primal reaction to adore and feel protective over your new baby. I have felt the same way you are feeling with each new baby that comes into our family. I lovelovelove that new, precious, sweet baby, and those other kids are just big and clumsy and mean and rambunctious and noisy and annoying all of a sudden. I remember thinking that, when I went into the hospital to have my youngest, my nearly 2-year-old daughter was a perfect angel, extremely well behaved, and just my most favorite person on earth. When I came home with her new little brother, she was suddenly so different in my eyes. It was shocking, and I had to really work on my negative feelings toward her for a little while.

These feelings do pass. Your sweet, sleepy baby will turn into a 1-year-old who is dragging pots and pans all over your house and eating your remote control, and then you will be thankful for your helpful, self-sufficient 3-year-old.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Well, I do think it's possible to have a child who is either too similar or too different from you--to the point that you probably would not have chosen each other as friends, even though you love each other.

I don't think it does anyone good to be in denial that sometimes that happens. Hopefully it'll never happen to you. But it IS a possibility.

But I also think that when you are in the intense period of parenting a few small children, especially if you are on the introverted side it can stretch your emotional resources to the obliteration point. (note: I also don't believe that god won't give you more than you can handle)

When you are finally able to get some sleep and some breathing room, you may finally be free to connect a little more. I know I have enjoyed my children (and my too-like-me DD) more this summer than at any other time in my life. They are more independent, I can trust them more, I can actually occasionally poop by myself, I am not so overwhelmed with three people all over me 24/7 that I have no energy for anything else--so even though DD is still a relatively difficult child, I can enjoy her more for who she is now that I am not so drained and empty.

If you want to get therapy, then do so. I did get therapy for awhile, but it was more to help me worth through childhood abuse issues than because I didn't like my kid. It was my therapist, BTW, that told me to cut out eviscerating myself emotionally because I didn't like my toddler all the time like "all the other good moms do". She told me that was bullshot (for most people), and that probably NOBODY likes their kids all the time at every stage of life. That was liberating to me. I still needed to be careful to not let myself lazily slip into abusive patterns I learned from my parents, but...I didn't have to throw myself into the "OMG I'M NOT PERFECT MUST SEEK SCAPEGOAT!" spiral that they did either.

I assume that the OP already has a therapist, hopefully one that she likes. I think regular check ins are fine. Disliking your kid, especially when frankly they are being a pain in the butt, is not a function of mental illness or failed parenthood. It's just life sometimes. You will work it out. It might seem to take a long time, and it may seem two steps forward one step back at times, but just keep going. If you keep your patience just 5 or 10 minutes longer than you would have the day before, you are doing awesome.

Just because you don't like how your kid is acting or their personality rubs you the wrong way does NOT mean that you don't love them.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

As I said in my edited post above, Erica is on Prozac. She takes it at night after Matilda has gone to bed because it makes her (Erica) sleepy. That way, by the time Matilda needs to nurse again, it doesn't matter because it's during the night. Another thing Erica reminded me about is that she took the Prozac throughout her pregnancy. A side benefit of continuing it while breastfeeding is that Matilda's body was already used to it. So instead of being abruptly cut off at birth, Matilda will slowly wean herself off of the Prozac at the same time she weans herself off breastfeeding. We just have to make sure that Parker doesn't get any of Matilda's bottles when I'm babysitting Matilda.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think you need to seek some professional help if you are depressed and especially if you think you are bi-polar. Children that age do a lot of testing and annoying things that are very trying and it can be very hard to control yourself when you are in trying circumstances especially if you have been resenting your child before something they do pushes you over the edge. I don't know how the bi-polar can affect someone, but because it is hard to use self control as a parent without bi-polar or depression issues I would guess that it will be even harderfor someone to maintain their control with these issues.

I realize that it is hard to accept that you may need outside help. People who are bi-polar also tend to think that they are doing well without meds when they aren't. I think that you should talk to your mom about this because she is a big part of your child's life and ask her to tell you to be honest about her perspective of what is going on with your interactions with your children.

I think you should also ask your mother to increase her role with your oldest again so your oldest can feel valued by someone important to her, you can get a break from her and some sleep that you probably really need, you can have bonding time with the baby without resenting the need to parent your older child, and your oldest can get away from the new baby for a while and just be a two year old. Perhaps your mother would be willing to rotate caring for each child so that you can have one on one time with each of them. I think you should focus on getting sleep though before you try to have one on one time with your oldest.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Do you have a sling that lets you nurse your younger baby one or no-handed? If not, a pouch is generally easiest and works really well with newborns.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMindedMomma* 
Maybe it is me, rather than her who is making her behavior less than desirable?

I certainly think this can be the case. I know you've said you are feeling good, but those post partum hormones can be really sly! Even if your plugging along, things seem normal, then you go "Why is this making me SO _____?" and you remember that you are flooded with hormones. Biology has designed us to focus on ONE THING after we have a baby and so sometimes feelings can sneak up on us. And, speaking of sneaky- depression can be sneaky too. It may not come out with the baby, but with other people. Depression can make people angry. So, be on the lookout. 2 yr olds can make anyone nuts, but if she is really making you crazy, it might not be *her*. Or, it might not be any of these things and it is just a new parenting challenge!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I think it is a normal biological/primal reaction to adore and feel protective over your new baby. I have felt the same way you are feeling with each new baby that comes into our family. I lovelovelove that new, precious, sweet baby, and those other kids are just big and clumsy and mean and rambunctious and noisy and annoying all of a sudden. I remember thinking that, when I went into the hospital to have my youngest, my nearly 2-year-old daughter was a perfect angel, extremely well behaved, and just my most favorite person on earth. When I came home with her new little brother, she was suddenly so different in my eyes. It was shocking, and I had to really work on my negative feelings toward her for a little while.

These feelings do pass. Your sweet, sleepy baby will turn into a 1-year-old who is dragging pots and pans all over your house and eating your remote control, and then you will be thankful for your helpful, self-sufficient 3-year-old.










Yes, yes, yes! Mine, personally was 4 when we had ds2, so he actually was a great helper. He's a very sensitive, mature kid anyway, so we didn't have much of this. But my sister has a 2.5 yr old and a new baby. EVERYTHING she said before her new baby was born was about her daughter Sasha. "I hope Sasha will be ok!", "I don't want anyone to be mean to Sasha! She's so sweet!" "I'm making plans for Sasha after the baby...", "Sasha is so sweet and little an vulnerable I love her so much it aches!". Sasha could do no wrong. Now, all I hear is "Sasha is making me crazy! She has to stay away from the baby!", "I can't take Sasha anymore! She just won't stop!". Ahhh... What 3 months before was just 2 yr old behavior is now very upsetting because it negatively impacts the new baby. Your allegiance is now divided! Before, you just had the one to do everything for- protect from all the other "mean", big bad kids and the big bad world and she is so little and the resources are an open tap for one kid. Now, huh... Seems all that is not quite the way it is. She IS capable of doing just those things that you didn't want anyone to do to her! And, that is a hard thing for a mom to come to- that when you love is just as much with her "victim", you can see the circle come together- that you can love and (eventually!) understand the "aggressor" as well as the little "victim". Of course, you still don't have to like it!

You know, I think it is such an important process though- this learning to understand that your child can drive you nuts, do things you thought she would never do and that your own child can be the one who actually is in the wrong. And to find patience and understanding for that too. The other day, I was at the playground and was watching a mother and her toddler play. Another toddler came up and was "playing big" with the sand and throwing it some. The other toddler must have gotten a bit in her eyes and the mother says sharply to the other little girl "Don't throw sand at her!" I almost laughed out loud. I can PROMISE that HER daughter will one day throw sand (or steal a toy, or push or whatever) and it is just what toddlers do because they are learning and not all that coordinated or graceful and I'm SURE she would NOT want someone else to speak to her daughter that way! But right now she is so blinded by her one-sided, one person view of the world she can't see that. That their child will be on the other side sometime. For some moms, they learn this lesson on their own. For some, the birth of a new baby teaches it very quickly, and without mercy. "Oh-oh! Sand up in the air can get in eyes! Lets try to keep it on the ground, ok sweetie?"









It will pass. But it is important to do your best in the moment. And know that of course you don't have to like everything, all the time. We're human. But as loving parents, we do the best we can. From what I recall, you've been through a lot in the past few months. Go easy on yourself as well as your kiddo







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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I am thinkin aout participatin in this....perhaps it will help you too.

http://www.consciouslyparenting.com/repair/

There is a call you can particiate in, perhaps for free.


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