# Regrets



## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I've thought a lot about this for many months. Do any of you ladies have regrets? Wish you did something different? There are so many things I wish I could take back or do differently. I normally don't have regrets, but I do when it comes Duncan's birth.

I wish I would have been more aware of his lack of movement. He had been gone about 2-3 days by the time he was born. If I knew sooner we would have been able so spend more time with him.

I regret not being more assertive about my wishes. I regret not giving him a bath or washing his hair. His skin was changing rapidly, so I know a bath would not have been a good idea. He had such beautiful golden blond wavy hair.

I regret ever going back to the hospital. I wish I considered just staying home and having him there. I asked my midwife how she felt about that. She would have gone that route if it was something I wanted. Could have just induced labor at home. The whole hospital experience was very traumatic for me.

I regret not taking more pictures. I'm a photographer and wasn't even in the mood to take pictures. I wish I had more.









I sometimes regret not seeking medical attention sooner. Had we known about his condition and how it was declining maybe labor could have been induced and we could have spent time with him while he was alive, even if only for a short time.

As this pregnancy progresses I start thinking a lot about his birth and have pulled out his pictures. I just stare at them wishing I had more time with him. Wishing I had him in my arms and really hoping this baby is a boy. I know we'll be happy if it's a girl, but we'd love a boy. Maybe he/she will have hair like his. Our girls were born with dark brown hair.

So many things have been running through my head lately. Sometimes it feels like it's been 7 months and other times it doesn't. I worry everyone apart from Mark and my mom will forget his "angelversary" when it rolls around. :sigh:


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Yes, all the same regrets. I'm amazed how many baby-loss mothers I've met have said the same things. More time, more pictures (of everything, just everything). Even the digital ones - although I wish I'd known about/thought of NILMDTS! I wish I'd unwrapped him totally and really studied every detail. I wish I'd gently opened and looked into his eyes. I wish I'd had time completely alone with him. I wish I had rocked him and sung to him. I wish I'd given him a bath. Of course I wish I'd paid more attention to his movements (because part of me still thinks I might have "saved" him if I had done something earlier...) I wish I'd kissed him more and if I could have bottled his smell, I would have. I, too, wish I'd gone home to finish labor. I would have liked to have had him at home, to have that time, the privacy. (I also think a water birth would have mitigated the pain a lot...)

I so wish I could give a list to every mama about to go through this, of things we wish we'd done, because you are so out of it, numb and in shock, when it happens, you just can't think of these things!


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I do. I regret that I was such a FREAKING ninny that I didn't get my dental work done. So that when I was 6wks pregnant I had to have emergency dental surgery for an infected tooth that posed more of a danger in my mouth than out.

I regret that Im such a loser that the whole thing was so tricky because of my fear of the dentist that they had to stop multiple times cause I would get my blood pressure OBSCENELY high (170/110).

I regret that I cried the first 3 days when I found out I was pregnant because I didn't know if hubby would be happy about it - but he was thrilled. So I wasted 3 days I could have bonded with my little guy.

I regret that I complained about my morning sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidum (couldn't swallow my own spit seriously). I should have embraced it.

I hate that I complained about the stinging breasts. I just wish I had embraced and really treasured all those feelings.

I hate that I didn't watch the last ultrasound at the Dr. When they told me his heart was beating and he was strong. I should have watched but I already knew. But still - that was the last time I would have seen him in my body looking cozy.

I regret that I didn't save him. When I passed him - my daughter ran into the room 5min later and I paniced and flushed him. It felt like I flushed my heart down with him.

I regret that we didn't have a savings account and therefore couldn't just call my husband home to be with me because we couldn't afford it. (Since then in just 8mths we now have an account with 1400 in it just so if something happens to me/thekids/our parents he can come home without qualms).

The list just goes on and on and on......


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Brittany! YES!! I have the same regrets. Why didn't I listen to myself when Friday night I thought.. hmm he hasn't been moving as much? Then he got hiccups while we were at a party, and some friends got to feel him move! I felt so happy.. it WAS just in my head, he was moving - I just must have been to busy to really notice. Same thing Saturday, we went to the apple orchard, I had my hand on my belly the whole drive just thinking.. he's not moving as much!?! WHY didn't I listen!! Maybe if I'd been a worried mom and gone to the hospital Friday night, he'd be here? I didn't go in until Monday! I was still sure I'd felt him at least sometime that day.. but now looking back, I feel like that Friday night was my last real memory of feeling him. His skin condition wasn't great either.








I wish I had more picture of him.
I wish I'd taken his blankets off and looked at his whole body.
I wish that Shaun and I had a picture together with him
I wish I'd had the autopsy done (the doctor made it sound like they'd keep his body for 5 weeks and I wanted him with ME right away!)
because of his skin condtion we didn't let Gwen see him.. I wonder if that was the right thing to do?
More than anything.. I just wish we had more time together.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I regret taking him to the hospital.

I regret having the autopsy done.

I regret not doing foot and hand prints.

I regret not taking more pictures.

I regret not having a picture of me with him.

I regret telling my husband to stay TDY because there was "nothing you can do now anyway."

I regret that I was the only person who loved him who held him.

I wonder if I should have let my kids see him and hold him. They really wanted to but I thought they were too young. I don't know if I did the right thing there.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

A million of them.


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## girlygirl707 (Apr 23, 2009)

Regrets that go roll through my mind all day long. I regret that I was so terrified to even unwrap her. If it wasn't for a nurse coming in and insisting she see her little feet and unwrapping her before the words "No" came out of my mouth, I would have never opened the blanket out of worry. I regret that when my mom was leaving and asked if she could see her precious hand I said No, again scared. I regret not picking up the NILMDTS pamphlet until after we had already said our goodbyes. I regret worrying more about being labeled that crazy pregnant lady and not going to the hospital right away. I regret not watching her come out. I regret all the times my husband wanted to feel her kick and I kept laughing so he would get frustrated and not feel for her. I regret not getting the 4d ultrasounds. I regret not taking pictures of my family holding her. I regret not bathing, changing her clothes, or changing her diaper. I regret not handprints to keep. Even though people constantly tell you not to feel guilty, that is wasn't your fault, I think it is a natural mothering reaction to feel guilty.

All you can do is take life day by day and treasure everything around you as we all now know the hard way, there are no guarantees in life...


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
A million of them.









Me too.

We had very difficult decisions to face with Freja's treatment. She had so many problems, and we didn't know where to start. She would've required several very major surgeries, including heart surgery. We didn't want what little time she had with us to be full of pain and suffering. Because she had Trisomy 18, it was clear to us that even if we did attempt surgeries, it probably would not make her live longer. But how do you know? Would it have extended her life if we had gone through with it all? Or would she have died on the operating table, cold and alone - instead of in my arms? I am haunted by all the "what if's." Sometimes I feel that I didn't do enough for her. Maybe I should've INSISTED that more be done, against the advice of doctors. Did we LET her die?? We did footprints, NILMDDS family photos, bathed her, held her for fifteen days, swabbed her sweet little mouth with breast milk, LOVED her, dressed her, had our other two children visit/hold her, did kangaroo care, laughed with her, cried with her, made eye contact, had molds of hands/feet made, and were very active in her care during the constant time spent in the NICU with her, but it will never be enough.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Lots and lots of regrets.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I lost mine early at 13 weeks.

I don't know if I genuinely regret the way it happened. Some days I think I might regret the way we did things.

Often I think about how nice it would have been to have one u/s picture, heard a beating heart, just to confirm to me and the world that the loss was *real*. I wonder if dh and I would be more on the same page if he'd seen and heard the baby.









I wonder if we should have brought the baby home and buried him properly. I just couldn't deal with that in the moment when the m/w asked.

I wonder if I should have asked for the sac to be opened to see my baby.

more wondering than regretting.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

I regret that I didn't save him. When I passed him - my daughter ran into the room 5min later and I paniced and flushed him. It felt like I flushed my heart down with him.
















I couldn't read that and not respond. I am so, so sorry.







I was afraid to be on the toilet during my miscarriage because of a terrible fear that I would do exactly that having heard several women who had that regret. So sorry that is one of yours. So sorry.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I regret responding to the countless rude comments I recieved during my pregnancy with intimidated responces of "My IUD didn't work". I regret making that excuse to shield myself from the blows of judgemental assholes who think that having a family my size is the equivalent of throwing garbage out your car window as you pass through a forest. I regret crying when I found out I was pregnant. I regret feeling frusterated that I would have to take a break from my educational goals to accomidate a new baby. I regret worrying about money. I regret letting my mother in law go on and on and on about birth control options in the future which included her suggesting I have my uterus removed. I regret takinga full month to truley embrace and warm up to being pregnant when I would unknowingly only get four more sweet months with my babies...four of the sweetest months I can remember...in spite of heartburn and constant nausea and sore nipples..because I was happy about getting to know my baby. I regret letting people call me Octomom with distain. I regret not standing up for my babies...for letting others, complete nobodys, bully me about being pregnant...again. (Like I had a disease or something!!!) I regret doubting that my husband was happy...he was so clearly happy. I regret having an IUD. I regret that they couldn't get it out. I regret telling myself that my baby was just "calm"...when deep inside I think I knew that there had been no real movement for days. I regret not knowing I had twins. I regret that I didn't get to hold my second baby after he was removed...I regret that he was taken out in peices. I regret that the doctors took their sweet time telling me that he had been there, and that as a result he was disposed of like some bloody garbage instead of being cremated like his brother.

I regret that they are gone.

I regret that I will never be the same woman that I was.....and I embrace that too. I embrace the love that is mothering. I embrace that I am a woman that loves being a mother. I embrace that I can do my f*%#&ing education ANY time, and that there is NO shame in being a mama! I embrace that I am never ever ever going to feel ashamed about being pregnant ever again. I embrace that I feel so powerfully in LOVE with my babies that I would let the lioness out fully at anyone who is rude to me again about my fertility! I embrace that I have regrets...and I embrace that my heart is broken. There is no covering this pain up. It is real...and I embrace it fully...inspite of the fact that I am wishing it had never been. Can you embrace something and wish it had never been at the same time??


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 















I couldn't read that and not respond. I am so, so sorry.







I was afraid to be on the toilet during my miscarriage because of a terrible fear that I would do exactly that having heard several women who had that regret. So sorry that is one of yours. So sorry.























Yep - while he initially dropped into the toilet - I did fish him out and held him - in his little sac and was able to see him - perfect in there. So I at least have that small comfort. But I freaked out thinking my daughter would be distraught seeing something like that - and so I - without thinking- dumped him in the toilet and l flushed. I knew as soon as she left the room, " OMG - WHAT DID I JUST DO!?"


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I regret being so laid back with this my 4th pregnancy. I didn't ask dh to come to any appointments with me, so he never even got to hear the heartbeat. My doctor was slow to schedule my 18wk u/s & I was trying to be the relaxed crunchy mom about it all. If we'd gone in earlier, we might have seen ds alive & maybe even seen that his placenta/umbilical cord had issues. I don't think we could have prevented what eventually happened, but at least we may have been able to prepare ourselves.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Sometimes it feels like I could fill a great, deep cavern with my regrets







.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

About the miscarriage itself - I don't think so. Some of the thoughts that has passed through my mind:

I wish I had waited another month to get pregnant. Maybe if it had been a different month, the baby would have been okay.

I should have tried misoprostol instead of jumping to the D&C. At the time, I was happy with the D&C, but now with all of my fertility issues, I wish I hadn't.

I shouldn't have let the doctor take the remains. I paid $250 to have them throw it in the medical waste. I should have taken it home and buried it.

I wish I had seen the heartbeat, just once. Maybe I should have gone in earlier. It was so shocking and horrible to see a still, quiet little baby on the screen.

There are some people I shouldn't have told I was pregnant, because their insensitivity made it worse.

Like Emergingbutterfly, I regret that I'll never be the same. I'll never be able to fully appreciate my pregnancies, because I'll be bracing myself for the worst. I hate the pessimism I've developed since trying to get pregnant again.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I have MAJOR regrets about my pregnancy. I also don't usually have regrets. I believe that all things, bad and good, happen to make us better.. stronger&#8230; But when it comes to the fact that a child of mine is not with us, possibly because I didn't make the right choices, I can't help but to feel regret.
During my pregnancy I was under an immense amount of stress. I know every day, run of the mill type stress isn't supposed to affect pregnancies, but this was ALL consuming, push me to the point where I felt like I was going to have a stroke because I was getting so upset all the time stress! To where I had often wished that I hadn't even gotten pregnant at all because I felt like it was going to kill me.









That's what I feel so much guilt and regret over now, the fact that I couldn't even be happy about my pregnancy because of what was going on in my life (which btw wasn't nearly as bad before I got pregnant, or I never would have tried!) But I felt like such a terrible person for so long about that







:

Anyway, at the time, it wasn't something I could change without losing my husband (he wasn't the source of the stress btw, but at the time to end the stress would have meant having to leave him) so I tried my best to just suck it up and make things better&#8230; But I couldn't&#8230; and I lost my baby in the process. I believe that in my heart. Hindsight is 20/20, and if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have gotten away for the rest of my pregnancy, or something&#8230; I don't know :/

I don't often share this, because still to this day it makes me feel so inadequate about a lot of things, that I just couldn't fix things.







But I feel like it's important that I finally, really get this out.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

so so many


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Just read the rest of the posts...







to all the mamas here.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

So very many regrets for me, too. Mostly, I wished we had spent more time with him. I regret that I didn't turn him over and look at his baby bum. I regret that I didn't open his eyes. I regret that I don't have better (and more) pictures of every single detail of him.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I regret pushing myself in the week before he was born - doing taxes until 2am, going to a workshop the next day... I kept having braxton hicks contractions on that tax night which I should have taken as warning bells. I wish I hadn't gone out that evening when I was 15 weeks and felt sick, because when we got home I couldn't stop throwing up all night and I had a fever and chills. I regret being embarrassed that I was pregnant when I was at a conference and on campus. I wish that I had brought an outfit from home for Lachlan to wear when we took him off life support. I regret that I never held Lachlan on my bare skin on my chest because I thought be was too delicate and I was scared I would break him. I wish I had brought an outfit to the mortuary for him to be buried in.


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
Yes, all the same regrets. I'm amazed how many baby-loss mothers I've met have said the same things. More time, more pictures (of everything, just everything). Even the digital ones - although I wish I'd known about/thought of NILMDTS! I wish I'd unwrapped him totally and really studied every detail. I wish I'd gently opened and looked into his eyes. I wish I'd had time completely alone with him. I wish I had rocked him and sung to him. I wish I'd given him a bath. Of course I wish I'd paid more attention to his movements (because part of me still thinks I might have "saved" him if I had done something earlier...) I wish I'd kissed him more and if I could have bottled his smell, I would have. I, too, wish I'd gone home to finish labor. I would have liked to have had him at home, to have that time, the privacy. (I also think a water birth would have mitigated the pain a lot...)

I so wish I could give a list to every mama about to go through this, of things we wish we'd done, because you are so out of it, numb and in shock, when it happens, you just can't think of these things!


yet again you said everything I would have, only much better...


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh Mamas















So many regrets . . .
I wish I had examined every inch of J.T.
I wish I had so many more photos, and known about NILMDTS.
I wish I had insisted my other children come and see him.
I wish I had known about kick counts.
I wish I had asked for a NST or another ultrasound.
I wish I had paid more attention to several episodes of extreme movement
in the last couple weeks (that in hindsight I think may have been seizures)
instead of just laughing it off when my doc didn't think it was important -
and then I also second-guess myself further and wonder if I _had_ had
an unreassuring NST, and then been induced or sectioned . . . how things
would have played out. Would he have suffered so much damage that he
would not have had the quality of life I'd wish for him? Would we have had
to make the gut-wrenching decision to take him off of life support?
Two years out, I am far less haunted by these kind of thoughts . . .
but they are there, and I think they always will be.

"*Can you embrace something and wish it had never been at the same time??* "
I truly think so, Mama.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I don't think the word regret is strong enough to describe how I feel. Isabel died from secondry effects following dehydration while I was breastfeeding her. Regrets doesn't describe the absolute hatred I have for myself and the blame I feel. I try to forget it and put it down to 'one of those things' or I know it will eat me alive. There are so many little things leading up to it that could have helped or caused it, or it could have been a genetic disorder. All I can do is avoid it happening again. I can now see the hospital from my house so it's not as far away, I will express and measure exactly how much the next one eats a day, I will use washable nappys so I can see what comes out, I will not give birth between Christmas and new year when there are only emergency doctors availble. Most of all I will get the medical centre to come and see me 3 times a week during the first couple of weeks. I will not organise another funeral, there is no way at all I am going to let this one slip away.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Clare.

I just remembered one of my biggest regrets from early on.. I guess I don't think about it as much anymore? The midwife asked me at my 6 week check up, how I as feeling since she knew that I wanted a VBAC and didn't get one? I told her that I wondered if things would have been different if I' had a planned c-section.. he probably would have been born early, esp. since I started contractions at the end of August.

and you know what's so strange now.. not a regret, but the fact that I'm pregnant and just knowing that if Dresden was here, she wouldn't be. To have her, I had to lose him.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

"*and you know what's so strange now.. not a regret, but the fact that I'm pregnant and just knowing that if Dresden was here, she wouldn't be. To have her, I had to lose him.* "

Since Will came into being, I think about this a lot, too, Shannon.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
and you know what's so strange now.. not a regret, but the fact that I'm pregnant and just knowing that if Dresden was here, she wouldn't be. To have her, I had to lose him.









I'm sorry you struggle w/this too. People say this to me all the time..very upbeat.







: And it makes me want to scream!! I get so irritated. To me you can't compare the two. Because if my son or any of my precious little ones had lived then yes it's true I wouldn't have the next one but I wouldn't know what I was missing. Does that make any sense? It wasn't a choice of one or the other. It's just completely different to me..not even comparable.








I'm so sorry for everyone here and all the regrets and hurt we live w/every single day.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
I regret that I didn't save him. When I passed him - my daughter ran into the room 5min later and I paniced and flushed him. It felt like I flushed my heart down with him.

.....

oh dear. my heart breaks for you. i'm SO sorry that you live with that regret. i lost a baby at 10 weeks and i passed him in the toilet. i left him there for over an hour while waiting for my midwife to come. for months afterward, i felt like i had "drowned" him.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fazer6* 
I don't think the word regret is strong enough to describe how I feel. Isabel died from secondry effects following dehydration while I was breastfeeding her. Regrets doesn't describe the absolute hatred I have for myself and the blame I feel. .

mama, i am SO SORRY for your loss. i cannot take that regret away from you but i want you to know that you are deserving of love and even though you feel, as you say, hatred, for yourself, *I* love you and am sending all of my love to you.

my regrets:

i regret acting disappointed about the pregnancy in the face of disapproval from others.

i regret... (this just appalls me) i had an ultrasound in my 6th month for sex determination. after the tech told me matthew was a boy, i sat up and told him i didn't want to finish the ultrasound. i SAID that it was because i didn't want to expose my baby the u/s longer than necessary but it was really because i was so disapointed at the thought of another boy.







the tech also said baby was lying face down. i thought that was an odd position to be in and to this day, i think matthew would still be alive if i had looked farther into this strange position he was in.

i regret not doing kick counts.

i regret waiting SO DAMN LONG to call my m/w about lack of movement. wth was i waiting for?

i regret not listening to my intuition about this pregnancy. i was strangely drawn to stillbirth stories during pregnancy, i did almost nothing to prepare for the birth (i just couldn't imagine that it was really going to come to pass), just a FEELING that i had through the whole pregnancy.

i did open one of his eyes but i regret not looking at their blue-gray color longer.

i regret not looking longer at his backside.

i regret not cutting a bigger lock of hair.

i regret not allowing more family to comes see him. more people could have LOVED him. at the time, i just didn't want company.

i regret not enjoying his kicks more and not encouraging dh to feel my belly more often.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I too suffer with almost every regret listed in this thread.

The two that haunt me the most are...

The fact that my older children did not have the opportunity to hold him or see him before the funeral due to my fear of devestating them. I hate myself for that choice and regret it deeply every time one of them cries for him.

I did not get to undress him completely and hold him against my bare breasts. I wanted to but was so afraid that he would literally fall apart. I crave the feeling of his body against mine and wish with all my might that I could go back and do that.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Many hugs to you mamas.





















:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milkymommi* 
I too suffer with almost every regret listed in this thread.

The two that haunt me the most are...

The fact that my older children did not have the opportunity to hold him or see him before the funeral due to my fear of devestating them. I hate myself for that choice and regret it deeply every time one of them cries for him.

I did not get to undress him completely and hold him against my bare breasts. I wanted to but was so afraid that he would literally fall apart. I crave the feeling of his body against mine and wish with all my might that I could go back and do that.

Yes, I forgot about wishing the girls got to see and hold him. I regret not having them there to see him. I also wish I had the chance to have close skin-to-skin contact with him. It was so hard seeing him the way he was.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milkymommi* 
I too suffer with almost every regret listed in this thread.

I did not get to undress him completely and hold him against my bare breasts. I wanted to but was so afraid that he would literally fall apart. I crave the feeling of his body against mine and wish with all my might that I could go back and do that.


*sob* i wish that for you too

i did hold matthew to my bare breast for quite a while at the urging of my midwife two days after his birth ... but i wish i would have done that immediately after his birth instead of waiting two days. it was terrifying trying to get him dressed again and put his hat back on after being in that position. it did in fact feel like he was falling apart.

i thought of one more this morning.

i regret that my children weren't prepared on their way to the hospital that the baby had died. they knew they were coming to see me. i will never forget seeing dd(5) coming into the room and excitedly peeking her head around the curtain to smile at me. she was so excited and my dh had to run over and break the news to all of them. heartbreaking.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

This is just such a heartbreaking thread, but I find myself nodding through it all, yes, yes, me too, me too...


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

More than two years later the regrets still hit me. The sadness has been softened by the joy I feel at having my beautiful son but I will always miss his sister and feel like I failed her.
Why, why, why didn't I go to the hospital for a non-stress test when she was moving less? The midwife came over and we listened to her heartbeat but I still felt so uneasy. Why didn't I listen to myself?
Why didn't I unwrap her little swaddled body and look at every part of her? Why was I afraid?
Why didn't we have a funeral? She was a person - she should have been mourned in public and with dignity.


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