# why do some grandparents only want to see grandkids at "their" house?



## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I am really looking for insight on the variety of grandparent who really only enjoys/ wants to see their grandchildren at their (the grandparents') house, and who are not very happy to go to the grandchildren's place of residence.

My first thought on this matter is that it's a control issue-- the grandparent can't feel at ease unless they control the situation/ food/ TV/ rules, stuff like that.

Honestly, though, it's an enigma to me. It just seems to me that if a grandparent loves their grandkids, they would be happy to see the child/ren at the grandkids' house. Does anyone have experience with grandparents acting like this?


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

I'd never really thought about it before but holy cow, I think you're onto something! My in laws never (I can't say never I guess, but rarely) come to our house. Whenever they see the kids it's at their house. The thing is, they have no more power at their house than at mine, because I'm always the one taking the kids over there. They go out plenty, visit lots of people, so it's not as if they're just homebodies. Good question!


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## mommy2girlies (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wende*
I'd never really thought about it before but holy cow, I think you're onto something! My in laws never (I can't say never I guess, but rarely) come to our house. Whenever they see the kids it's at their house. The thing is, they have no more power at their house than at mine, because I'm always the one taking the kids over there. They go out plenty, visit lots of people, so it's not as if they're just homebodies. Good question!


wow!! i too never thought about it, but my in-laws rarely come up here to visit the girls!! granted we live about 2 1/2 hours away, but we are always the one going down there...not that i totally mind. its kind of a change of scenery for us and going to their house always seems like a mini vacation for me....my dh's mom is very helpful with the girls and always defers to me when discipline or any other issues like that arise....plus, they live on 50 acres of gorgeous land w/ a lake and its just beautiful!!!


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## soccerchic21 (Jan 6, 2004)

My husband and I have often pondered this same question. I HAVE NO CLUE! You would think they would rather come to us because the kids can just mess up our houses.


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## poppyqwn (Jan 5, 2005)

I don't know about the Grandparents, but when I babysit and such, I prefer to be at my home. I would always rather the kids come to my house just as a comfort factor. I know how things work here (i.e. the microwave, ice maker, things like that) and if something get broken or messed up it really is mine and I am okay with it or should have put it up. "I" have broken things at other people's homes and felt horrible. It may be a comfort thing for them, but with some ILs I can really see a control thing too. Just a thought.


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## umefey (Sep 10, 2004)

My MIL is super-active but when we lived in LA (she was about an hour away) she never ever came and visited us, but if we didn't go down every week or two she would get really really upset. I don't know what the deal is with that!!


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Wow--are we all related?????????
My outlaws expect us to drive almost nine hours to see them--we have a 1 and 3 year old...tell me that's not hard to do.
Ugh---I HATE traveling with small people--especially those who only want to sleep at home.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

WE always go to my inlaws. But that is the way I like it. My MIL and FIL just arent comfy or at home in our home the way we are in theirs.
Maybe it is somethign about growing older that you expect your kids to come and visit you. They still consider their home "home base" for the next generation.
I tried to have Christmas Day at my home and it just was a disaster. My inlaws simply didnt want to come. My parents came but kept it short.
I dont think it is a power thing per se. I just think in general adult children are more comfortable in their parents home than the parents are in the homes of their adult children.
Even when my in laws from out of town visit, they stay in a hotel. WHen we visit them, we stay with them.
Joline


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## JSerene (Nov 4, 2004)

My mom drives me crazy with this. I live on her way home from work and invite her to stop over, but she only rarely does. Instead, she complains that I don't go there enough. When I told her dd cries in the car seat and that it would be a lot easier if she would just stop over here, she said dd would have to get used to it and that this was the real world. That really made me mad. Anyway, I think it's a comfort thing, she'd rather be in her own home.


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## AmyAngel (Dec 3, 2004)

I don't know why, but remembering my childhood we always went to our grandparents house and they only rarely came to ours - and when they did it was for special things like cookouts or birthday parties or for some special purpose. One set of grandparents was 5 houses down (but on a busy street so you couldn't drive there) and the other was next door. We saw them often, but almost always at their houses.

One set of my grandparents has passed, but the other ones we see now at other houses. The holidays used to ALL be at their house, but now that they're older we have Christmas at my moms, Easter at one aunts house, Thanksgiving at another aunts, mothers day with my sister and Halloween with me. We're trying to get my youngest sister to take fathers day, but she's managed to avoid it so far. The grandparents do come, but they don't stay as long as everyone else does.

I'd never really thought about that before!


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

We had this problem, now we take turns, I still feel that it is easier for people without dc to come see us then for us to pack up dd and drive up there. Why is it that when people's dc are grown, they completely forget what it is like to have children?







: You would think they would remember a few things.


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## Copper (May 4, 2004)

I have noticed this too. Since we moved In-laws are 15 minutes max away and my parents are 5 hours (oh the irony I miss my parents soo much!







)
at any rate, my parents come and visit, no prob. we go visit them, Before we moved I lived an hour away, same thing I go there, they come to me, whatever works (though my brothers both live by my moms) so if I go there I get everyone in one shot.

INLAWS- Now that dd is 4 and does not have any issues with separating from me they want her THERE period. They also have different rules basically they want her to be able to do WHATEVER "because it's grandma's house". Oh, okay let her bash in the windows to your french doors, cool! It's grandma's house!







Tear down the curtain rods too! what fun! Oh and the junk food parade is nonstop too.

I notice that they are "not comfortable" coming here because sometimes dd did not want to go there and would get on the phone and tell her to "come over here". I would go about what I needed to do and they would do whatever, go outside, her room, out front, I don't care it was fine, I would offer her drinks, lunch, whatever But she clearly does not feel comfortable and puts off a weird vibe or something like nervousness or something ?!
I think because it is my home base or the lioness den maybe ?


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *poppyqwn*
I don't know about the Grandparents, but when I babysit and such, I prefer to be at my home. I would always rather the kids come to my house just as a comfort factor. I know how things work here (i.e. the microwave, ice maker, things like that) and if something get broken or messed up it really is mine and I am okay with it or should have put it up. "I" have broken things at other people's homes and felt horrible. It may be a comfort thing for them, but with some ILs I can really see a control thing too. Just a thought.


Yeah, I agree. Maybe it's a control thing. But maybe it's just feeling comfortable. As people age, they tend to get less comfortable with new things and change.

At their home they have a chair that is comfortable. They know how things work.

I would personally always rather babysit in my house for my friends kids than at theirs.

I wouldn't necessarily read bad motives into this preference.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I think Grandparents are just set in their ways. I know for us, this is an ongoing problem in our family. My mother will make all the excuses in the world to NOT come to our home to see DS (her only blood grandchild...she has 14 stepgrandchildren...another story):

She can't see that well
She doesn't have gas money ($2.33 a gallon-Unleaded)
She has hot flashes and no AC in her car
I live too far away (15minutes)
the list goes on and on

I have explained to her countless times, DS does not travel well. It is so much easier for HER to come to ME because of amount of preparation involved.

Also, my home is Toddler proof, her home is not, in fact it's hazardous living conditions. I cannot let my guard down. Period. And sense I am constantly on guard, it doesn't make for a pleasant visit. The last time DS and I were there to visit, he picked up a cup by the fireplace and put it to his lips, I grabbed it from his hand and it was filled with GASOLINE fluid!









Mom said "oh shoot, he wouldn't have drank that" EXCUSE ME!!?? She has forgotten what it's like to raise a Toddler...

The Compromise- We now take turns to visit each other. Of course, I have to supply her with gas money to come over, make sure the AC is running and my house is nice and cold, have her a fresh cold glass of water waiting and cook her lunch (hot wings is her favorite)


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## TexasSuz (Mar 4, 2002)

My in-laws are like this and it makes me upset. Ds even got on the phone and asked Grandpa to come to his house and play trains with him. He never has come! I can't believe that he would turn down a four year old's request! I think that it a control thing. But it makes me feel like they don't feel comfortable in my home (even though I am the better house keeper).

I also don't understand why they invite Ds over and then give him toys to play by himself. Can't they take some time to play with him? My mom does. Or worse they will put on a video or computer game for him. Makes me so mad. He can stay home to do those things. He is suppose to be at their house to spend time with them! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!


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## matts_mamamama (Mar 19, 2004)

Not sure on the answer, but my MIL always wants my son at her house (without us, preferably!) and my mom is willing to travel to mars as long as she gets to see him. Personally, I would think it's easier to come to our house - we have all of the right food, clothes, toys, etc, and since our house is already a disaster... LOL

Someone mentioned babysitting - I always preferred to go to their house, as it was the comfort zone of the child, so I've always assumed it would be the same when I had kids..


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## Avonlea (Jan 21, 2002)

I deal with this issue in regards to my MIL. I do think it is a control issue for her. Also, we live very close to her ex husband who will dropin unanounced at any time, and she likes to avoid him as much as possible. I am past the point of being understanding with that.

I get very angry about always having to take the kids TO her. Holidays are awful.We travel for days and are very tired and mean sprited afterwards. I fell thet worst for the kids. This last X-mas, MIL was peeved that we 'let' our kids have most of their x-mas gifts on x-mas eve day instead of x-mas day. I did this soley so that my children could actually ENJOY thier things, instead of being rushed all over Gods cretion and having to leave special stuff behind that they wanted to check out, and being hurt and sad and resenting everything to do with holidays.

MIL thought I was an idiot and "You can't do THAT ! " she gasped at at one point .."We never did that, we always opened our gifts Christmas Morning ! !"

















Uh..Ok. well, I will just stop thinking about my own childrens happiness right now to pelase you. Whoops..screwed up there for a second. Put the kids first, won't make that mistake again ! Silly me.









I know that she won't change, and anymore I just don't care. She knows where we live and what our phone number is. If she doesn't see the kids ofr a month or so, maybe she will have to get off of her rump and actually make an effort to see htem. As it is now, I lose one day a month or more to taking my kids toehr home so they can visit, and you bet believe I do NOT leave them there with out me being there. I may run the 4 blocks to the groery store for a half hour onece in a GREAT while, but not often enough. She is too mean sprited and nasty at times for me to do so. She can't help but make my son cry at some point or another. She likes to push/bully/humiliate/scare him. I like to make sure he isn't completely scarred for life. Silly me.

Maybe it is a good thing she stays away...hmm....


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

This would be my IL's if we let it happen that way. Fortunately they *really* want to see dd so they do it on our terms. My dad though can take or leave his kids and GK's so we have to go see him if we want the relationship - which we do.

I don't know the why's - I would think it varies from person to person. I guess I just try to be with people where they are at...


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

My parents are the same way. They live on an island, and they come past my area very often. they never stop by, unless it is unexpected and they do nothing but critisize my house.







:


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

My son's grandparents are only 5 minutes away, but still all visiting is at their house, mainly in the form of their babysitting for us from time to time, or us going over there for a meal. I think the reason they don't come to our house to babysit is they know they would get bored actually *playing* with DS for any length of time. At their own house they can do chores, watch TV, use the computer, etc. and just have DS around. They expect him to play independently while they do whatever they feel like doing.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

I suppose I am very fortunate. My MIL's house is babyproofed. She has a play area set up with lots of toys just to keep at her house.
When I take the kids to her house I actually get a BREAK.
At my house, even if she is playing with the kids, I am doing laundry or fixing meals etc.
At her house I chat with Nana or read the paper while my kids play with their beloved Papa and the special Mana house toys.

Joline


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

You bring up a good point, johub. We were living with my in-laws until recently and had a good bit of babyproofing set up--latches on cabinets and doorknob covers, etc. When we moved out MIL removed everything! It was bad enough when we lived there and she refused to put anything up, but now it's worse. I can't be over there without shadowing DS every second so he doesn't take off outside or go down to the (very messy) basement or get into stuff under the kitchen sink, etc. It's really annoying.


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## Proudmomoftwinsplusone (Feb 21, 2004)

My FIL won't come over anymore, he insists that we go there. I have a theory that he has severe empty nest feelings and wants to fill his house with kids and noise.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

As someone without kids, I'd like to lend a different perspective to the issue.

I babysit my nephews once in awhile. I much prefer to do it at my house -- if I get hungry, there's nothing to eat there. Their food is horrible. If I get bored (they're napping or playing by themselves) there's nothing to do except watch TV. No books or anything. I like to have the kids where I know exactly where everything is -- no hunting for diapers or (ugh) formula (we have a small stash), no struggling to find something to feed the kids. Also, I want to make sure that when they go into a room, I know exactly what's there so I can move dangerous items or watch them. In my brother's house, I don't know what's there, kwim?

It's really a matter of familiarity and comfort, IMO.


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