# my sons story, Meconium Aspiration



## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I really am wondering who has experienced something like this, or had a baby die from Meconium Aspiration.

My son Freddie, was born full term, 9lbs 9oz and a bit over 21 inches, the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.
The entire pregnancy went great and everything was always fine w/ him and me, never any problems.

I went over to my midwifes on the morning of May 11th (2005) b/c the baby was not moving good at all, and I could not seem to get any reaction when I poked at the belly. She checked, she could not get much movement either and his heartrate which was usually great was now in the 120's.

We immediatly left for the hospital, my son was taken by cesarean section several hours later. He was immediatly taken to the NICU. Diagnosis was Meconium Aspiration. He was put on a ventilator and all that goes with it and the waiting began.

On the morning of the 13th he was flown to the Childrens Hospital in Los Angeles, CA, (we live in Las Vegas, NV). My husband, myself and our 2 year old daughter drove out to be with him soon after. On Saturday I was told of possible brain damage and that he was not a candidate for the lung bypass machine (ecmo), which was why he was transferred to LA to begin with. On monday the 16th after a 3rd ultra sound on his brain, we were told that the brain damage was severe. Our son would be more than just retarded or cerebral palsy, he was not going to have a good life and his health issues would only get worse as time passed. It was suggested that we take him off the life support and let him die peacefully.

He died in my arms at 2:25 pm that afternoon.

He would be 3 weeks old this coming Wednesday. I am still in shock that this happened. How can my baby be dead? How can I be in this much pain? I never knew these feelings were possible.

I wrote the following last week.

I have never before known such pain or ached for someone or something so badly, I would do ANYTHING to change what happened. I would do ANYTHING to be able to have him in my arms right now.

I spend every waking moment trying to keep it together for Maya's sake. I curse every morning I wake up and open my eyes, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want the night to end and another day to begin, taking me further away from my son being alive.

My guilt is overwhelming. I feel so badly for Fritz, he was so deeply happy for a son, and I was so proud to have made him one. And now we don't have him, its more than cruel.

There is no logic in what happened, it does not make sense; I don't think it ever will. Yet I still try to find meaning or purpose in all of this, I don't think I will ever have any answers. I don't think I will ever stop yearning for my son, I don't think I will ever stop feeling this pain.

**********

I would love to hear from others who can relate to my sons story. How do I learn to cope with this pain and yearning that I know will never go away?
This is worse than my "worst nightmare". I have always known that things like this happen, but never in a million years thought that I would be going through this.

thank you for reading,
Robin


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am so sorry about your son.


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## HerthElde (Sep 18, 2003)

I am so sorry


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

My heartfelt condolences, mama.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.


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## PB's Mom (Nov 20, 2001)

I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. I lost my babies at almost 9 weeks by miscarriage, and the pain was overwhelming to me. I was in total shock for weeks. I couldn't believe this had happened. I never knew that there could be such feelings for what happened to me. My SIL had 5 m/c and I don't think I every realized what she was really going through until it happened to me. I just never realized how horrible the whole mourning process is. I've never lost anyone/anything that close to me before. I had plans for that baby (possible babies).......I found myself still shopping for little girl clothes after the m/c. We were really hoping for a girl. The fact that it was probably twins (2 empty sacs on the ultrasound, but could have been one collapsed sac.......) was a real shock!!! Anyway, I'm sorry I don't really have a similar story to share. Just wanted you to know that I understand how horrible it is, even though I know it has to be 10 times worse to actually have your baby in your arms and then loose him. Let me know if you need anything to help you remember your baby. I'm starting a website that will have memorial items, but it will be a couple more weeks before it's up and running. I really needed some keepsakes to help me honor my baby's existence. Let me know if you think of anything. I might already have it, or I might be able to find it (keepsake box, memory bracelets, artwork of Jesus with baby or angels, books and journals, etc......) Just take care of yourself for now, and don't think I'm trying to make a sales pitch, I just want to provide Moms with anything that they need that will help them grieve. Hugs to you!!


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## FancyD (Apr 22, 2005)




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## sun-shine01 (Aug 9, 2002)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Robin, it was so painful for me to read ur story. i dont share the same experience but ur son;s wieght and height made him even more real to me because they are the same as my daughters. i cannot even begin to fathom how painful these times are. i will try and fnd some links. i know other mothers have planted trees or set up a website or created angels. i really wish i could help u. but i dont know how. i came out of my lurkdom to share my experience which really is not the same. when my parents lost my younger brother in adulthood - they were so involved in their grief that they totally ignored me. now as an adult i understood that. for that period i became the parent and they my children. but still i could not brush off this feeling of being guillty that perhaps i should have died and my brother should have lived. i know both u and fritz are stuggling with maya and meeting her needs, but i wanted to point this out to u because even though i understood my parents grief (more so now after i had my daughter) i was still hurt by them unintentionally ignoring me.

my xmil and i are v. close. her first child was a full term still born daughter born about 50 years ago. she does not talk about this to anyone or mentions anything (she only told me because they discovered a huge fibroid in my uterus at 7 weeks and i spent two months freaking out i would lose my baby), but till today she feels she has 6 instead of 5 children and still grieves for her daughter. she does not have any tangible things of her daughter. instead everything is in her mind which she rarely shares with anyone.


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

robin, i am so sorry for your enormous loss. i wish i had words of wisdom for you but i don't. i just could not read your story and not let you know that i did.

i wish you peace.







:


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Robin, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl on May 1. It was also totally unexpected. I had a uterine rupture during a VBAC attempt. She was born my emergency C-section as soon as they detected the heart decelerations, but it was too late. She also had severe brain damage. We removed her from the ventilator as well and she died in mine and my husbands arms.

I know what you mean about the pain and also the guilt. I never dreamed that anything could hurt so badly. The ache and emptiness is there all the time. I feel like I am in a daze or a dream sometimes that I will wake up from. But it doesn't happen.

Peace to you.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

robin,
i am so sorry for you family's tragedy. i am also glad you found your way to the mdc boards... every one here are so helpful, compassionate, and full of wisdom and support. i found this board a week after my daughter died, and i just read and read until i felt like i could talk about what had happened to me. it will be ten weeks tomorrow since coral was born and died. i was thinking while driving in the car yesterday that she was so ready, i was so ready, for her to make the transition from her world into my world, and she died probably the same hour that my labor started- she was literally knocking on the door, and i opened it, but she was gone. it is without a doubt the worst thing that has ever happened, and the saddest thing that can happen- babies aren't supposed to die. in some ways it feels like it was yesterday, although it has been weeks. i can't really say much about my 'progress' through this grief- i have been depressed and it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my work and my personal sadness. but i will say that reading and writing here have been a crucial part of my ability to make each day go by- i felt the exact same way you wrote about feeling... not wanting to move away from the day she died for fear that it would move me farther away from her- but this didn't happen- she is with me every second of every day and night, even in my dreams, and i have found ways to comfort myself and my partner that i know are healthy and will help us heal eventually. until then, we can only mourn her, and her beautiful, extraordinary life. and i know that you will do the same for your beautiful, extraordinary son freddie, and please know that there are other women who are suffering the same feelings of loss and bewilderment as you- it doesn't make it better, but it has helped me feel less lonely- in my small community, this hasn't happened to anyone i know personally, and i know that my friends cannot understand how hard this has been and continues to be for us- coming to this board and receiving support from women who i know have experienced this kind of loss is very warming to me. i will think of your son freddie tomorrow when i visit my daughter's grave... and i am wishing your and your family very peaceful, healing times ahead... love, coralsmom


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Robin,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I too held my daughter as she took her last breath of life. She died in my arms at 6 hours old.
That was 14 months ago.

Please know that you are wanted, needed and loved here. We will never forget Freddie or the love you have for your sweet son.
Please come back soon and join our little family of support.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing Freddie's life and death with us. We are here to share your sorrow and help to carry it with you. ((((hugs)))))


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

So very sorry. I hope time can bring you some peace.


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## mum5 (Apr 10, 2004)

Thankyou for sharing your tragic story with us all Robin. I cannot even imagine what life must be like for you and your family right now.
I have not ever lost a child, which has got to be the most terrible situation that I can fathom, one that I hope to never experience.

Hugs and healing xx Jasmine


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## Almamiel (Dec 24, 2002)

I'm so sorry for you loss. Your family is in my thoughts.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

thank you all so much for your stories and kind words.
I am still trying to figure out how this message board works.
I am going to try to reply to a couple as I have a few questions. Hopefully I will do it correctly.

r.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egoldber*
Robin, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl on May 1. It was also totally unexpected. I had a uterine rupture during a VBAC attempt. She was born my emergency C-section as soon as they detected the heart decelerations, but it was too late. She also had severe brain damage. We removed her from the ventilator as well and she died in mine and my husbands arms.

I know what you mean about the pain and also the guilt. I never dreamed that anything could hurt so badly. The ache and emptiness is there all the time. I feel like I am in a daze or a dream sometimes that I will wake up from. But it doesn't happen.

Peace to you.

First off, I hope this works, and I reply to the correct message.
I am so sorry for your loss also. And I also can relate to your guilt. I was trying for a Vbac also at home, although labor never even began for me. As we were driving to the hospital I was very upset that I was going to have another C section, if I only knew that was the least of my worries. I really thought we would get the baby out and the baby would be fine.
Was your Vbac attempt with your daughter in a hospital?
And how did they find out about your daughters brain damage? We are still confused by the whole thing b/c at first they told us they could not know the extent of it until they were able to do an MRI but then they told us it was severe w/ the ultra sound.
r.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rnweiss*
Was your Vbac attempt with your daughter in a hospital?

Yes it was at a hospital. I labored at home with my doulas until we were all pretty sure I was far enough along that my labor wouldn't stall at the hospital. When we got to the hospital, I was 6 cm dilated. I dilated to 10 cm about an hour and a half after I arrived.

Quote:

And how did they find out about your daughters brain damage?
At the hospital I had intermittent fetal monitoring for 20 minutes out of every hour. I had been pushing for about 30 minutes when I was due for my 20 minutes of monitoring. The nurse went to get my OB because the heart rate was very low. He confirmed a dangerously low heart rate via an internal monitor and I was rushed for an emergency C-section. The time from the nurse checking me until she was born was 15 minutes.

When he opened me, the OB found my uterus was ruptured and my placenta has also abrupted. Since I had an abruption, they knew it was likely Leah had asphyxia and potential brain damage. She was resuscitated at birth, but never became conscious or breathed on her own. Her apgars were very low, her cord pH was low and she also had severe seizures the night of her birth until she was medicated.

We spent 9 days with her in the NICU (she was also transferred to a larger hospital with a better NICU, but our transfer was only across town). During that time they ran several CT scans and EEGs to confirm her prognosis. There was really nothing to be done, so we took her off the ventilator when we decided we were ready.

Quote:

We are still confused by the whole thing b/c at first they told us they could not know the extent of it until they were able to do an MRI but then they told us it was severe w/ the ultra sound.
It was a very confusing time for us too. Getting a straight answer out of anyone was awful. After 3 days, we finally lucked into a neonatalogist who was honest with us about her prognosis and how severe her condition really was.

I am so sorry for your situation. I can tell you now that I am 4 weeks out from her death that I am able to function again and the pain is less severe in intensity. I still think about her every second of every day and I feel the emptiness of Leah not being in my life like a tangible presence. But I am able to also find some joy in other things in my life too instead of being consumed by my grief 24/7.

But the first 2 weeks after she died were incredibly intense. In a sense we were "lucky" because we did have 9 days with her when she was alive and we were able to really come to terms with her impending death. We cried and mourned and grieved for those 9 days and also for the next 2 weeks. We had a memorial service for her 3 weeks after her death and that was a very cathartic experience for us as well.

Take care.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

I cannot imagine.
I wish words were more than enough to change time and make it 'all better'.

Take care of yourself, DH and Maya.
(((hugs)))


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I wanted to add my condolences too. Take care of yourself.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

*****I am so sorry for your situation. I can tell you now that I am 4 weeks out from her death that I am able to function again and the pain is less severe in intensity. I still think about her every second of every day and I feel the emptiness of Leah not being in my life like a tangible presence. But I am able to also find some joy in other things in my life too instead of being consumed by my grief 24/7.******

I am so sorry this is so new for you as well. I think we both (and our families) have a long road ahead of us. Freddie would be 3 weeks old tonight and died a bit over 2 weeks ago. It feels like its been a year as far as time moving but the pain feels like it just happened a minute ago. It is nice to hear that time does make it a little easier to cope.

How is your older Daughter dealing with it all?

Mine is only 2 so for her its not so bad.

I really hope your OB did not give you a hard time for attempting a VBAC. Here in Las Vegas, I dont think any OB or hospital even allows it anymore. I did a lot of VBAC research, and uterine rupture is such a rare thing, which is why I wanted to have one as well, I am so so sorry that it happened to you.

I know I can say this for me and as well for you... We only wanted to give our babies a gentle birth, unlike our first born. And now your Leah and my Freddie have both died. It is so cruel and tragic.

I also hope you are not getting the treatment from anyone that I am getting from my family (my mother, and sister), they seem to have the need to place blame on someone, which happens to be me. Not exactly the best time for that kind of treatment in my life. I have basically had to cut off my communications from them right now (maybe forever), that is the last thing I need. There uninformed opinions on how myself and my midwife are to blame for the death of my son. "if you only would have gone to an OB and let them take the baby at 38-40 weeks this never would have happened"

be well,
robin


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Robin, I want to warmly and gently welcome you to Mothering









I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son Freddie, you must still be in such shock.

Please feel free to share here and lean on us for support as you journey through your grief. How are you feeling now physically since his birth?

I'm holding you and Freddie in my thoughts.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rnweiss*
How is your older Daughter dealing with it all?

OK. She asks a lot of questions, but the questions have tapered off in the last week or so. I think she finally "gets" that the baby is not coming home with us.

Quote:

I really hope your OB did not give you a hard time for attempting a VBAC. .... I also hope you are not getting the treatment from anyone that I am getting from my family
I guess in this way I have been lucky. My OB is just fabulous. He doesn't make a big deal out of VBACs, they are just a routine part of his practice. He was as shocked and horrified as you can imagine. And my family has been great about not blaming me. I was afraid that they would.

I was desperately afraid that my DH would blame me. But I think the only one that blames me is me.







I just can't help wondering every day if I had only been the type of person that could have walked into my first OB appointment and happily scheduled an ERCS, I would have my baby today.









I used to think about this all the time, but now I am trying not to let it consume me. At some point I am probably going to see a therapist to work on this. I need to let go of that guilt before trying to have another baby, which we want to do in about 6 months or so.

Hugs to you again.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Robin,
I am so sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your son Freddie. Sadly, there are many of us here who have lost our precious babies and we can relate to the pain that you are feeling now.

I'm also sorry that your family is not giving you the support you need right now. That is just awful of them to try and blame you. You are Freddie's mother and you love and cherish him- you absolutely did the best you could for him.

People forget that even in this technological age, that *human beings do not ultimately control life and death.* We never have and we never will. This fragile process of being born is one that sometimes ends in death and you are not to blame. Shame on them! I hope that in the near future they can do some research on the grief process and realize the error of their ways.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Robin,
I am so sorry about your precious Freddie. I am thankful that you found this group of ladies and that you are here sharing him with us. I wish I had been here when my loss was new.

I have been thinking about you for days, wording and rewording a post in my head. I lost my second son when my oldest was just a little over 2. I had a planned homebirth that was a transfer with my first and then I was told I was clear for another hb, I was low risk, the baby seemed to not be posterior like my first, etc. I had a lay mw that was recommended by many moms and everything was great and non invasive and then at the last minute I had severe shoulder dystocia and nobody could get him out. Everything was tried and everything was done properly and nothing helped. He lost too much oxygen and lived in a coma for 7 weeks.

My son, Alistair, actually breathed on his own but his brain damage was so severe that he got sicker and sicker until he passed away with his dad and I holding him. We were with him all day every day and weren`t trying to keep him alive artificially, we just tried to follow his lead. Anyway, its been 3 years this month and its still very hard. In some ways though, this is the best I`ve ever felt, he taught me a lot about what`s important and I have a new love of life because I feel content living in the moment. Yet, his loss really makes me who I am, I feel as much his mother as I do the other 2. Please be patient with yourself, grief is hard work, the good news is your body can`t sustain strong emotion for very long so don`t be afraid to really go for it and cry like crazy when you need to. Those really brutal days in the beginning do get further apart.

I have an unusual perspective b/c my own sister died of SIDS when I was almost 3. I remember the sadness in my house and I remember how worried my mom was about my baby brother when he came next. I don`t think its a bad thing for kids to see grieving. We are open with our oldest and for the last 3 years have "celebrated" Alistair`s birthday with him. My parents answered my questions openly and my mother was generally a happy confident woman when I was growing up so when my son had died I remembered that my mom survived and thrived again so one day I would too. Not that she ever forgets, she says the pain is still strong 30 years later, just not all the time like in the beginning. I also have always known I have a sister in heaven so to me it wasn`t a sad thing as a child, it just was the way it was.

I also had the experience of people blaming me, mostly my husband`s family and just about every nurse and doctor in the hospital. It was ridiculous ignorance and most of the people apologized later when they learned more, but it was a nightmare to have people ask me, "what were you doing at home?" Like ST said, we have no control over life and death. The doctor who finally got my son out told me it would have been the same outcome in the hospital but I guess she forgot to give that memo to anyone else. I am so sorry that on top of everything else you are dealing with people`s ignorance.

I wish you as much peace as possible in the next few weeks. -Claire


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ms. Mom*
Robin, I want to warmly and gently welcome you to Mothering









I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son Freddie, you must still be in such shock.

Please feel free to share here and lean on us for support as you journey through your grief. How are you feeling now physically since his birth?

I'm holding you and Freddie in my thoughts.

ya know this past week I started physically feeling pretty bad. Flu like symptoms, achy and tired. But I think it is just everything catching up to me. He was born at 5 pm, and they made me stay in bed for 12 hours after that, at 5 am I was up in the NICU with him, trying not to puke from the drugs that were still in my body.

From then on I never stopped. I made them release me from the hospital a day early so I could go to LA, and then we flew to NY to bury him. The funny thing is that those couple of weeks I didnt feel that bad physically, its almost as if my mind made my body wait until I would be able to relax to feel bad.

I have been taking it really easy this week, trying to let myself recover. I do feel better today then I did on Monday, but still feel run down and beat up.

thank you for asking, you remind me of the importance of taking care of myself, even though its so hard to think about or even do.

r.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I just can't help wondering every day if I had only been the type of person that could have walked into my first OB appointment and happily scheduled an ERCS, I would have my baby today.









****
I know!!! I feel the same way. But we dont know what would have happened. C sections are not the best and safest way to have a baby and there are dangers involved both to mother and baby. At first I was telling my self just that, If I only knew I would have had one at 38 weeks. But the fact is, even if we went that route, there is guarantee that our babies would have lived through that either.
****

I used to think about this all the time, but now I am trying not to let it consume me. At some point I am probably going to see a therapist to work on this. I need to let go of that guilt before trying to have another baby, which we want to do in about 6 months or so.

*****
I agree, that guilt is not good guilt and we do have to let it go. But I think the non specific guilt (at least for me) is o.k. I am only human and I am allowed to feel guilty about his death, and I think I even need to honor that guilt.

It is so unfare, we should be nursing our babies right now and smiling at their beautiful faces, not greiving over them.

p.s. I want to make another baby asap also. My family is still not complete.

be well, R.


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## rachelle-a-tron (Apr 13, 2002)

Sending you Love & strength Mama... I too lost a Son, he was 55 days old. It's cruel & wretchid & I am so sorry you & your family are feeling this pain.

All my Love,
Rachelle


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ST*

People forget that even in this technological age, that *human beings do not ultimately control life and death.* We never have and we never will. This fragile process of being born is one that sometimes ends in death and you are not to blame. Shame on them! I hope that in the near future they can do some research on the grief process and realize the error of their ways.










You are so right, and I think that is the big point they are all missing. That even with the "best" OB's and hospitals, babies still die.
My midwife is awesome, and I would not hesitate to use her again or reccomend her to anyone. I hate that they think she is not knowledgable or credible because she does not have an MD at the end of her name.


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## Maggi315 (Aug 31, 2003)

I am so sad to hear your story. Unfortunately working as a nurse and now a midwife, I have seen such sad stories. Stories we can't explain, things that just shouldn't have happened. Makes no sense. I can only offer prayers and thoughts for you, baby and rest of family. God bless!


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Oh I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I wish that no mother ever had to bury her child.

My son Liam was a planned homebirth, and he was surprise footling breech. His arms were up over his head, and he got stuck. Finally my husband made the call to get the paramedics (which probably the midwife should have done much sooner) and they rushed me to the ER. They were able to get his heart beating again, but his brain was too badly damaged, and he couldn't breathe on his own. When he came out, the placenta came out with him, so I know at some point it had detached. That didn't help.

I'm sure there are people who think if we had been in a hospital they would have figured out he was breech (I know for a FACT he was head down just 3 days before I went into labor). But that's just not true. In fact one of my friends told me she talked to a family just a couple weeks before who had a DD who was surprise footling, and she lived for a couple years, but totally unresponsive and on machines. I didn't want that for our son.

Unfortunately, I have learned there WERE things that could have been handled better. The midwife panicked and her response of fear may have contributed to the problems. She made me change positions from the position my body had chosen, which was a prefect position for breech (hand and knees). I have since learned that the uprigh positin she told my DH to lift me inot may have caused or contributed to his arms getting swept over his head. I don't know for sure, and I can't dwell on the "what if's" or I'll go crazy.

Anyways, I am glad you found this board. I hope we can be here for you and help you. I have found it helps to know others deal with the same feelings and I'm not crazy, and I shouldn't expect to "get over it" (HA!) or whatever.


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## Tatka (Aug 3, 2004)

I am soo sorry for your loss.









I have not experienced it myself, but when I was 4 (almost 5) years old my brother died at 2 months old age after successful surgery, as a result of an error made by nurse. From what I know it happened at 2:00 AM and my 24 years old mother was told she was free to leave the hospital... (how cruel and insensitive!) At that time my father and I were on vacation and my mom suddenly came into our room one morning. Nobody really explained to me what has happened at that time.

I know kids are irreplacable, but the best thing my Mom did for herself and our family was she had my sister very next year. (Now when I think that if terrible tragedy didn't happen my sister wouldn't be born it seems strange too).

Please take good care about yourself... and don't blame yourself! I hope your family supports you in every way.


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## achooreno (Jan 6, 2004)

Robin, I do not have the same story as you but I have endured 20 miscarriages in a row...they were all early, but I am a rare person who is able to feel everything from the conception on so I knew when I was pregnant and when I was not. I have an adopted daughter now but I still have not conceived and carried to term a biological child. The pain of these losses was enormous and compounded by not knowing what was going wrong. I have never felt such agony in all my life and I doubted that I would ever feel any better as the pain seemed fresh for such a long time but after awhile the pain did subside. I still feel it but it is much more tolerable. There is nothing that will take this away but perhaps you can find solace in telling freddies story. I would try to find a support group when you are able for parents who have lost a child, having those other parents around who have gone through a similar situation to yours might help you tremendously. I ache for your terrible loss and I cried when reading your post. I wish the best for you and your family and you will be in my thoughts and prayers, much love, lisa


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

I am so so sorry for your loss,you are in my thoughts.







Natasha


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Claire,

I am so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing your story w/ me. I have been thinking about it for days.

I try and find reasons for things that happen, especially when they don't make sense.

How incredibly sad that both your mother and yourself have bost lost a child. I have to wonder if it happened to her so she would be able to help you. So you would be able to see a strong woman deal with what you would eventually have to face. What a cruel world.

The more I talk with friends and the more I think about the last 2 months of my pregnancy I have to wonder if my son really was not meant to live outside of my body. I now look back and see many signs that I did not see before.

Maybe I am just searching for some peace in this heartache. Thats o.k. also. It still doesnt take away this numbing pain or take away my longing for him. I actually find comfort in the fact that your mother says even after all this time that the pain is still strong. I never want to stop wanting my son or feeling love and sadness for him, I want to honor his existence for all of my days alive.

be well, Robin


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

"I never want to stop wanting my son or feeling love and sadness for him, I want to honor his existence for all of my days alive. "

Robin, this is beautiful. I feel the same way. I remember thinking I could live in a deep hole and be sad forever or I could honor my son by working very hard to be positive. Grieving still happens, but it is possible to feel happy again.

One of the many hard things about being a bereaved parent for me is that I really don`t know what to say exactly, even though I`ve been there. In other forms of helping, like LLL and Hospice volunteers, you are not supposed to share your personal story, just be accepting and helpful. Yet when I was a newly bereaved mom it helped me to read other`s stories. I shared mine to add to the others and let you know you`re not alone, but I want you to know this is about you right now. Although, because you were brave enough to share so much with us, I think it helps everyone because we are discussing something so personal and important & it can be so lonely in real life to have lost a child.

I can totally relate to seeing signs that maybe your baby wasn`t meant to be out here in the world. I had some of the same feelings. It is so natural to look for feelings of peace in the midst of this turmoil. You sound so present and clearly aware of everything that`s around you and that is really a blessing.
much love, Claire.


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## eksmom (Jun 29, 2004)

Freddie


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *liseux*
Yet when I was a newly bereaved mom it helped me to read other`s stories.

So true for me also.
It really does help, I think on many different levels.
Just to know I am not alone in my greif.
But also to know that others have had similar situtions that they could not control either.
Knowing other people feel the same "what if".

I had someone call me the other day who recently lost her husband.
One thing she said to me is "I know its a different situation but grief is grief".
she could not be more wrong.
This is my baby, my son, my child, these are our babies. We will never get to see them grow and learn and play and become adults, we will never get to smother them with kisses and hugs like our other children.
Oh yes, this is very different than losing a sister or brother or mother or father or husband. There is no worse loss.

be well, robin


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## kazoo (Jun 11, 2005)

Renee, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that your baby died.

My son died as a result of meconium aspiration 6/3/02. It was and sometimes still is, such a bewildering experience.

He was my first baby and we had a homebirth. My water broke in the labor tub and the water was colored with meconium. Many hours later, as I was pushing him out (6 hours) more meconium came out. To top it all off, he had shoulder dystocia.

Yes, I am a home birth horror story.

The first year after his death, I felt like time was my enemy. Everyday that took me farther away from when he was healthy in my belly, made me cringe. I wanted the pain to stay fresh and sharp so that i could be most present with my baby.

The pain is so wrong, so unnatural, it's just now what is supposed to happen. I felt like an alien, like a walking bummer that people did not EVEN know what to say to.

All i wanted was acknowledgement. Just wanted people to look me right in the eyes and say 'I'm sorry your baby died'.

Be kind to yourself.

Much love to your family.


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## kelly81 (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Robin,

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you (((Hugs))) Your story really hit home for me, I lost my daughter to Meconium Aspiration.

I feel tremendous guilt. Nov 17, 2003 my water broke, but I didn't realize it. It was asmall trickle and I thought I had peed. Well the next morning it happened again, but it was a small gush, the fluid was tan. I called my doctor and went to the hospital. Everyone said it would be just fine. After a long 18 hour labor Alyssa was born November 19th at 5:59am. Still everyone said she'd be just fine. They took her to get weighted and etc, still saying she was just fine. Well my husband brought her back to my room we had about 30 wonderful minutes with her. After that one of the nurses said they forgot to do a test on her, and took her to the nursery. It just got worse from there. There's more details on her webiste, in my sig. The hospital plays a huge role in her death. Antibiotics were not given when they should have been, wrong incubators, and they even puncured her spleen while trying to do an umbilical catheter.... we found that out in her records. Plus the records had been altered.

My guilt comes from me not knowing my water broke. I believe that had I known, she may have had a chance. We would have gone in 1 day early and there would have been different people caring for us.

It's been almost 2 years. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her. Time will never take away the pain, but it will make it a little more tolerable. Again I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk, please email me.

Hugs,
Kelly


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## LadyMarmalade (May 22, 2005)

.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

"I don't think I will ever have any answers. I don't think I will ever stop yearning for my son, I don't think I will ever stop feeling this pain."

You won't but life will go on and the pain will lessen. I'm so sorry about what happened to your son. What a sad story!

I will be thinking of you.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caloli*
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I saw a documentary a while ago, called Losing Layla - it was about a baby who died from meconium aspiration. I'm searching for information at the moment. The mother started the video during her pregnancy, and has made a sequel (Regarding Raphael). Here are some links.

Regarding Raphael
Transcript of Regarding Raphael.
Review of Losing Layla.


Thank you so much for these links. And I did see the Losing Layla film. I am not sure how many years back, but I think I may have been pregnant with my daughter at the time. I remember thinking how sad and beautiful it was all at the same time. She really did honor her daughter.

robin


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kelly81*

It's been almost 2 years. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her. Time will never take away the pain, but it will make it a little more tolerable. Again I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk, please email me.

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

I love that you still think of your daughter everyday. And I love that you have your new healthy son!

Those are things that keep me going lately. Knowing I will never forget nor will I ever stop missing and wanting my son, I always want to feel pain and ache for him, it is the least I can do.

And also knowing that I can still hope for a new baby. Never to replace my Freddie, but to help complete our famly.

Robin


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