# People are so heartless



## Beckula (Mar 17, 2007)

My pregnancy ended yesterday due to the fact that it was ectopic. This baby was a surprise but a very much wanted one. My baby was perfect, its heart already beating strong, it was only three inches from a sustainable pregnancy. This has been the worst time of my life. I had to make a terrible choice on how to end my little baby's life after I saw its heart beating furiously away in a chamber of fluid shaped like a heart, poison intended for cancer patients that would keep my fallopian tube intact but kill my nursing relationship with my LO who is still very much needing his Na-na's or surgery that might take my fertility away and comes with risks of its own. I had to do what was best for the baby I already had who needs me so I chose the surgery. I can't take the people who are family and friends saying the most horrific things possible to me. My cousin just called me and told me "it was for the best" and "ok, you had a abortion" and well you shouldn't have gotten pregnant anyway since you had to move in with your Mom again." Now I pretty much want to die if I didn't have to take care of my kids. I just can't take this.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Oh, mamma. I"m so sorry for your loss. And for your BFing relationship.


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## Fiestabeth (Aug 4, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. You made the best decision for you and your family and it was the right thing to do. Hugs, mama!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)




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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Big







s to you.


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Wow. People are horrible. For the record, you did NOT have an elective abortion. Your sweet little bean wasn't viable. No matter what you did, the pregnancy would end before your baby would be able to be born alive. It's a terrible, terrible thing, but there was no choice. What an awful thing for someone to say. I know how awful it is to hear something like that. My husband (














told his mother who doesn't speak English very well that my D&C was the same thing as an abortion (though techinically it's the same surgical procedure, it is not the SAME). I hear her SCREECH through the phone, "SHE'S HAVING AN ABORTION?! SHE'S ABORTING MY GRANDBABY?!?!" This was about 2 hours after we found out about the baby dying and I just lost it. I screamed at my husband and went flailing into the bedroom, crying. People say stupid things. It's usually their own issue. It's not about you.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. How devastating. Big hugs to you.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I'm so sorry.


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## dani76 (Mar 24, 2004)

People can be incredibly insensitive when they have no idea what you are going through. I'm sorry you had to deal with them. And I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too had an ectopic pregnancy in 10/03. I was told I was miscarrying. Then I continued to spot for 5 weeks and had some weird pain. I ended up having the pregnancy and right tube removed in emergency surgery. It sucked. I felt broken.

I had a dye test on my left tube in 08/04. All was good. I was pregnant in 10/04 with my lovely daughter. I have been pregnant 4 times since! Granted I have had 3 miscarriages, but that has nothing to do with the loss of my right tube. My reason for telling you this is that this doesn't necessarily affect your fertility. At least not in a huge way. I have a slightly higher risk of another ectopic, but I think it's 10%.

I would have made the same choice as you. It is not an abortion. If you didn't do something there is a good likelihood that you could have died from the rupture. Sometimes we have to make hard choices and it is shitty. But you made the best choice you could have made in your situation. These people who are being idiots can suck it.

Take good good care of yourself. Surround yourself with people that love an support you. See a grief counselor. Love on your child. You will get through this mama.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I had an ectopic that ruptured and required emergency surgery on Thanksgiving of 2008. They had to go in through my c-section scar because of the blood loss (2liters). I lost my left tube (the ectopic had gone undetected as I also had a herniated disk and my first trip to the ER they told me the pregnancy was OK). This was my second loss of 2008 (m/c in August) so we are taking a break for me to heal. My MIL came to stay with us afterwards because DH had to go out of town for work. She told me it was just a bump in the road and I needed to get over it (to my knowledge she has never lost a pregnancy) and then proceeded to shush me every time I mentioned either of my losses. My FIL at Christmas asked when we were going to try again after our "miscarriage".

You made the best decision that you could make for your situation and your family. That decision belonged to you and no one else. The people that say stupid things are well meaning, but clueless. An ectopic has different issues than a miscarriage, it can mean having to make a tough choice about a currently living (but almost certainly doomed) fetus, or a potential loss or decrease of future fertility. I am frustrated because my FP is Catholic and if I should have another ectopic (since your chance of a reoccurance runs about 30%) he would not even give me the option of using methotraxate if there was a heartbeat present. I would have to go somewhere else if that was the decision I was to make.

Find a support group, I have found great comfort in my local Early Loss support group hosted by my local Hospice. You need to be with people who understand what you are going through.

ETA: I am sorry for your loss. I hope that was implied anyway by my message.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. What a tough place to be in.







The things those people have said are horrible and heartbreaking. I hope you can find support from other sources.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so sorry mama


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of the garbage people are giving you... the pregnancy could not have continued where it had implanted. You did not have a choice that would have resulted in a living child. I'm sorry there are people in your life who can't understand that, or who can't support you in your grief.


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

Oh Mama, I am so very sorry,
Your heart must be so incredibly heavy~ I wish you peace and healing in the coming weeks.
People can be so cruel, about what you are carrying right now they know nothing. Sanguine and the others are right, this was not your choice, you didn't have a choice.
It is devestating, and I am so sorry you are carrying this load.
Please, be gentle with yourself.
Many







to you.


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## furfeet (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry... so often people just can't imagine how their words hurt because they've never been in your situation, or they just don't know what to say and mess up horribly. I'm not trying to excuse them but it helped me to look at it in this way when it happened to me.


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## Beckula (Mar 17, 2007)

Its just hard because according to most of my extended family I had no business having kids before the age of 30 and without making over $100k a year. They literally don't understand why I am not relieved to have my pregnancy end. On top of that my Dr. only gave me 10 percocets to take home, which lasted a whopping day. I am still in a lot of pain so I had to call the practice and talk to the nurse about getting more. She acted like she could not understand why I would need more than ten the day after surgery. Finally they agree to give me more and I go to pick the rx up and make an appointment for a week later to get my incision checked and the receptionist asks me who delivered my baby.







I drop the Rx off at the pharmacy, come back and the rude pharm. tech yells at me for trying to get more percocets when I filled an Rx for them yesterday. "medicaid won't pay for them and if you try to pay for them out of pocket you will be investigated." I was like "what...? I just had surgery, I am in pain and they only gave me a very samll amount yesterday." Like I was a drug addict or something. Alls she had to do was get on the phone with a medicaid case manager and get it approved. You know, her job, but it was easier to make me feel like crap and a drug addict. Thank God I have 2 left and my Mom had a vicoden left over from her dental work. She said "good night," I said I won't, I'll be in serious pain since I have a four inch incision through my belly and in my fallopian tube that was put there on Monday," and stormed out.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge empathetic hugs to you. pretty tough decision to make. and then to not get 100% support would make it worse.

hugs again.


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## deymm (Feb 29, 2004)

so sorry for your loss.

people say the stupidest things. (((HUGS)))


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beckula* 
Its just hard because according to most of my extended family I had no business having kids before the age of 30 and without making over $100k a year. They literally don't understand why I am not relieved to have my pregnancy end. On top of that my Dr. only gave me 10 percocets to take home, which lasted a whopping day. I am still in a lot of pain so I had to call the practice and talk to the nurse about getting more. She acted like she could not understand why I would need more than ten the day after surgery. Finally they agree to give me more and I go to pick the rx up and make an appointment for a week later to get my incision checked and the receptionist asks me who delivered my baby.







I drop the Rx off at the pharmacy, come back and the rude pharm. tech yells at me for trying to get more percocets when I filled an Rx for them yesterday. "medicaid won't pay for them and if you try to pay for them out of pocket you will be investigated." I was like "what...? I just had surgery, I am in pain and they only gave me a very samll amount yesterday." Like I was a drug addict or something. Alls she had to do was get on the phone with a medicaid case manager and get it approved. You know, her job, but it was easier to make me feel like crap and a drug addict. Thank God I have 2 left and my Mom had a vicoden left over from her dental work. She said "good night," I said I won't, I'll be in serious pain since I have a four inch incision through my belly and in my fallopian tube that was put there on Monday," and stormed out.

This is awful! It's like the worst situation and it just gets worse! I'm sorry. I really, really think and hope the worst is over. A thousand hugs. We are here for you.


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## William's Mom (Oct 6, 2004)




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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm not sure what goes on in people's minds that makes them think they can say anything. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry people around you are being insensitive.


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this on top of such a painful loss. I agree that people mostly say hurtful things like that out of ignorance, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when they do.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for all you are going through.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## sg784 (Dec 19, 2004)

So sorry. Ppl can say such cruel things.







s:


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