# Worst things said to you during or after your loss



## M Anna

1. "God could have healed or saved Innocent...but he didn't."

2. "When I'm up at 4 AM nursing my newborn I'll think of you." (This after a post in which I said I hated nights because I would wake up at 4 AM and cry for my babies.)

3. "Why did you get pregnant anyway? Were you lonely and just wanted something to cuddle?"

These are the ones that stick in my mind anyway.


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## thecoffeebean

"At least you lost the baby early, instead of later in your pregnancy." Said to me by a 5-months pregnant person. All I heard was, "I'm glad you lost the baby."

MAnna, anyone who would say #3 to you is a person who is gravely lacking in empathy. I cannot believe that someone actually said that to a grieving woman. I'm sorry you had to experience that, on top of your very painful loss.


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## M Anna

Coffee: Ouch. That stings. Re: my #3 comment, I'll give you three guesses who said it to me.


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## thecoffeebean

Ooooh, I like guessing.
1. Your mom
2. Your sister
3. Another asshat relative


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Quoting myself from another thread:

Quote:


> The worst one for me was a guy at work who said that they "should duct tape your legs together so that you quit getting knocked up." Thankfully, I work in an environment where "F you" is a completely reasonable and appropriate response, so that was exactly what I got to say.


Another one is, "God needed your baby more than you did." Really? So God originally thought I needed a baby, and allowed me to get pregnant, trusting me with one perfect soul made in His image. Then He just randomly changed His mind? Sorry, not buying it.

Or, "At least you know you can get pregnant. You can always try again." Babies aren't like video games, where if you lose one you just hit "reset" and start over.


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## diana_of_the_dunes

I'm seconding coffee's guess of your mom for #3.


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## M Anna

Yup. You're both right. Can you imagine? I got that in an email 1 week after we found out he'd died and while I was still carrying him. Unbelievable.

(My sister was responsible for #1.)

Diana, that guy wouldn't have been able to walk when I was done with him. And that whole "God needed your baby more than you did" mess - God doesn't NEED anyone! He loves us instead. Ick.


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## philomom

Number one.. "it was god's will".

My hubby and I are atheists.

Number two... "you can have more... you are young and healthy"

Uh, one kid never replaces another.

Number three... "he probably would have been retarded if he was born alive"

Fists clenching for the kill.

Number four... "bad times were given to us so we'd know what good times were"

Sigh, I think I could have done without the dark, depression of loss for contrast, thanks.


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## JelloPanda

"It's probably for the best - you're too young." - Said to me by my OBGYN.

"God always has a reason! This just wasn't meant to be."

"Miscarriages happen because there was something wrong with the baby - you wouldn't want a handicapped baby, anyways." - Attending ER doc, during threatened m/c with my first pregnancy.


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## M Anna

UGHHH!!! I didn't need to lose two sons to realize how happy I had been to be pregnant with them!! What a seriously dumb thing to say.


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## Lisanne

I was told that my daughter needed more time to be the baby and it was good we wouldn't have one so close.

She was almost 2 at the time and they would have been 29 months apart. My first 2 are 27 months apart and are so close and I love it.


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## Imakcerka

How bout this is my birth month and I'm kind of down about all the babies being born right now. I was asked "why haven't you gotten over it yet?" And then told "just get pregnant again if it's such a big deal"

F those people that say stupid crap. Oh and the "friends" that are still asking me through FB "did you have your baby yet?"


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## M Anna

Lisanne, that's insane. Mine are #1 (19 mos) #2 (14 mos) #3 (18 mos) #4 (3 1/2 years) #5 (now two losses and he's five). I called #2 and #3 twins the hard way but I wouldn't have changed it!


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## Tenk

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *thecoffeebean*
> 
> Ooooh, I like guessing.
> 1. Your mom
> 2. Your sister
> 3. Another asshat relative


This made me LAUGH OUT LOUD

My FIL said to me on Saturday evening (January 21st) after Oliver was delivered on Wednesday midnight (January 18th) .... T why don't you make dinner ( Oh, IL's had come down to stay with our children while we were at the hospital ) and I responded with, "Um I think the person who just had surgery is exempt from making dinner for 10 people". He then said, How long you gonna milk that shit? I do KNOW he was not trying to be hurtful but it so was.

The stupid people that say "it was meant to be" or any of the other comments you guys have mentioned (I've probably heard them ALL just piss me off. I don't think my mom said any of them but my step-mom said a lot of them. I just can't imagine it being said to them if they had lost a child.

I think my favorite was ... text message to DH's phone 2 days after Oliver was delivered. IL's at my house from Cincinnati OH to help with older kids.

SIL: Hey, how's it going? Can you show mom and dad these pictures of our house, it has walls and everything now ...so exciting!!!

Me (from DH's phone): We are NOT doing great, our son just died and my wife is in lots of pain. Sure I'll show them your pictures though.

SIL: Yeah, we've been thinking about you, hope T gets some relief soon. (BTW she never called/texted/emailed/FB'd/wrote anything expressing her sympathy to me!)

Me (from DH's phone): Well, if you keep thinking about US then maybe you could wait until they come home in 2 days and show them yourself?!

SIL has not called or texted since then to see how either of us are doing and MIL didn't speak to us for almost 3 weeks after this happened......OH but I did get an invitation to SIL's baby shower since she's due the same day Oliver was due. How f***ing sweet of her !!!


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## M Anna

Gee, Tenk, are you sure your FIL wasn't trying to be hurtful? That sounds pretty darn hurtful to me! Sheesh! Yes, I heard all of the "It was meant to be, God has a plan, It was God's will, There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway..." junk myself. In fact, I looked at a list of "Things Not To Say" and I heard every single one of them. It was almost funny, but not.


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## Wendlynnn

From my bf after my 3rd loss : are you sure you were pregnant?

My 2nd & 3rd losses were early 5 1/2 weeks & 6 weeks. Um yeah how stupid am I? I guess not getting my period, charting and a positive pg test are pretty inconclusive. I think she might have also suggested that maybe it's better not to to test early b/c then it's not like a loss or something. It's Beene a loooong time since she said it but I'm still shocked and hurt. We were pg with our 1sts together and she had her 2nd during all my losses.


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## lollie2357

I was pretty lucky that no one ever said really awful things to me. The hardest thing were just when people seemed to forget what we had been through and what we lost with casual comments like, "you should have another!" or "you really ought to have a boy!"

My sister said to me, "a friend of mine lost a baby, but she was much farther along and it was really hard..."







I pretty much missed the rest of the story because I was wondering what she thought my loss was (easy?).

Mostly, people just forget, and that's hard.


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## foxadillo

The


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## Milk8shake

My first loss. I laboured the whole way to the hospital, and my water broke when we were about 2-3 minutes away. We arrive at the ER and my bottoms are soaked in blood. I was in shock, and still didn't "realise" what was happening. DP stays at reception to sign some forms, and a nurse takes me to a cubicle. I'm getting undressed to change into a gown, and when I drop my pants, I feel my baby "plop" into my undies, which are around my ankles.

I almost collapse, and say to the nurse: "I can't look". She says: "What? Why?".

I stand there while she takes my pants off and puts baby and my undies in a kidney dish.

I'm now in a gown, and she tells me to get into bed. I try, but I'm sobbing, so I just lean against the bed. She snarls: "What are you CRYING for?!"

I get in the bed.

Effing bitch. If DP had have been there, instead of at reception, I'm certain he would have knocked her out.

Oh, and later, she asks if I want to keep the undies. A real charmer.


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Milk - I remember you telling that story a while back... How horrible that someone like that would be in the business of caring for others. I'm so sorry she said that to you.


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## M Anna

Milk, I remember that story.  I was so horrified when I read it. I so wish I could take that memory away for you and replace it with something better. (((hugs)))

foxadillo: I can see how your friend just didn't realize how it would sound, but that sure would sting.

lollie: ouch. I have gotten that a few times too, people thinking that number of weeks = amount of appropriate grief. Obviously people who haven't been through it.


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## Milk8shake

I'm mainly just sorry that I was so damned vulnerable at the time that I didn't just knock her out myself!


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## diana_of_the_dunes

milk - I hate that... I've had a couple of shitty medical experiences where, if I'd had myself a bit more together, I'd have given someone a piece of my mind. But at the time, I'm so focused on myself that I just let it go. There was a nurse or receptionist at my first OBs office that I called afterwards and complained on. I told the lady on the phone that I was having a miscarriage, and I needed to know how to know if I was bleeding too much. Her response, "Let me pull your chart, and we'll call you back." An hour later I called again to say the same thing. "Oh, let me have a nurse call you back in a minute." THREE HOURS later, DH called and yelled at them, got someone on the phone who had a shred of sense, and was told, "Well, if you think you're bleeding too much, go to the ER." Really? You couldn't have said that the first time? Maybe I wouldn't have lost 2 units of blood if you'd said that before! Needless to say I never went back there, and they knew why.

And people wonder why we don't trust the medical profession? Maybe Nurse Asshat should go work for your doctor...


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## Milk8shake

Quote:
Originally Posted by *diana_of_the_dunes* 


> Maybe Nurse Asshat should go work for your doctor...


Truer words were never spoken!! Seriously Diana, I'm so tired of the medical profession and it's array of asshats, that I've been seriously thinking of going to uni to study medicine or nursing. It could make such a difference to women like us to have actual humans with feelings in those jobs.

Oh, now this is just making me mad..


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Yeah, I think you've had a lot more dealings with asshats than most of us. But at the same time, I'm sort of relieved it isn't just doctors in the US. I dunno if they just get that "M.D." after their name and assume that nobody else might possibly know something about their own body, or what.

I'd better shut up. I can't be helping your pissed-off-ed-ness...


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## Milk8shake

Hahahah. We have our fair share of asshats Downunder, don't worry.

I've come so far in the last few months, but when I look back, I really can't help but get mad. There really is no excuse for the way they carry on. I must be getting ballsier, because I was pretty rude to Dr Asshat and Junior Dr the other day!

But yeah, we should shut up and un-hijack this thread...


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Yeah, I'm a total thread hijacker lately...


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## Soul-O

OK.. at least I'm starting this post with a case of the giggles at all of the asshat comments. I think that Army medicine attracts a serious number of both complete doofuses and total asshats, so I generally assume that either one or the other will treat me at any given time. However, there are a fair number of totally awesome older MDs who have seen it all and are super laid back yet responsive, so with any luck, one of those docs will be at my next delivery.

Moving on..

I had an ER doc tell me "it must be sad to want something when you can't have it" when I was experiencing my first in a series of three back to back miscarriages. The phrasing was so weird, almost like he was comparing my loss to not getting that Coach bag I wanted for Christmas! The same MD went on to tell me that I should consider having my tubes tied because "35 is pretty old to conceive, and you'll probably have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities anyhow. With all of these miscarriages, your chances are slim. I'd cut my losses if I were you." Well, I went on to have a perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy about 16 months later, so I guess 36 wasn't too old to have a baby without chromosomal issues . The OB who gave me the results of the pathology report from my most recent loss wouldn't allow me to have a copy of the baby's ultrasound picture (taken prior to her demise) because, "we need a complete chart, and besides, why do you want something so morbid? Are you sure you should be having more kids? I think you might need to be seen over at Behavioral Health. Here, I'll write you a referral, and how about some Zoloft?". All this because I wanted to have a lasting reminder of the little girl I'll never get to take home







.


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## M Anna

Oh my gosh!!! What ROCK do they pull these doctors out from under?!?!?! Did you ever get the ultrasound? (please tell me yes) I am glad you had your beautiful baby and proved him wrong.


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## countrygirl28

Hi ladies. I hope you don't mind my replying to this thread. The title caught my eye and the responses have been pretty interesting.

First, just wanna say, not all us docs are asshats, I swear! Some, certainly. Majority, probably. But there are some of us who truly care and think before we speak.









Second, I am fortunate to have never experienced my own loss, but my brother lost his daughter at five months of life in a tragic accident. My other brother said to him, "God must have saved her from something really bad." The brother who lost the daughter didn't seem terribly upset by this statement, but I think it was one of those instances in which he was so numb from grief he couldn't really react. I, however, was livid. I mean, my niece was healthy, happy, and a perfect baby in every way. She died in a tragic accident! WTF was God saving her from because to me dying at 5 months of age is pretty bad! I told him he was being insensitive and he should never say that to someone who just lost a baby. It's been three years since the incident, and it still makes me so angry when I think about it. Probably doesn't help that this particular brother and I have never really gotten along anyway. He's such an asshat!


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## Milk8shake

Hey Country girl, I don't mind you replying here. I have to say it's good to know that there are some docs getting around without both feet planted firmly in their mouths. If I only I could find one of these rare creatures in Oz... Hey - wait a minute, you have a koala as your avi!! Tell me you're in OZ!

Soul-O. I can't tell you how many times I've been pushed towards anti depressants and therapy in the last twelve months. I think a lot of medical professionals (Sorry Countrygirl) have difficulty determining the difference between grief and depression - and there IS a difference.

Also, I'm pretty sure you should be able to get your ultrasound pic under FOI if you want it.. I know others here have done that. You usually just need to put it in writing.


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## jenniferlynne

Another asshat doctor response: "You know, at your age miscarriages are really common. 39 is just NOT the best age to be having a baby. Now if you were 25...."

Like I could magically make myself younger or something?







Sadly, I think she was trying to comfort me but obviously she failed miserably.


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## ilovetchotchkes

I've also never had a loss but many many of my dear friends have.

All I want to say to you is, OH MY GOSH, ladies, I am shocked at some of the things people have said to them and you. I seriously don't GET it. What ever happened to "I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know". Or hell, even just "I'm so sorry. Hang in there". There, was that hard to say? NO.

There's a serious SERIOUS issue with pregnancy loss being treated completely blase in this society, as if its nothing, as if the woman didn't start you know planning the kid's wedding or imagining them graduating high school or college the minute you find out. Its not fair and its not right, and I swear to G-d, i wish I could hug every single one of you.

I get really SEETHINGLY angry when I hear stories like this because its so insensitive and horrid and just... I'd like to believe that people can't be that idiotic, but I know, from personal experience with my own damn family that it is. (My grandmother upon finding out ANYONE is pregnant at any stage says grimly: "don't get too excited, you might lose it" and she had four losses!!!!!)


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## M Anna

Oh, Jennifer, that's dreadful! I'm trying not even to think about my asshat doctor that I divorced at the beginning of my last pregnancy. SUCH an insensitive idiot.

And ilovetchotchkes, your grandmother probably gets scared because she sees people (who haven't had a loss) get a positive test and immediately order the nursery furniture and she considers this very naive. It IS naive, of course, but it's just one of those things you can't understand unless you've been through it. I miss the days when to me a positive test meant a baby in nine months. Now I know that just doesn't happen.


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## ilovetchotchkes

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *M Anna*
> 
> Oh, Jennifer, that's dreadful! I'm trying not even to think about my asshat doctor that I divorced at the beginning of my last pregnancy. SUCH an insensitive idiot.
> 
> And ilovetchotchkes, your grandmother probably gets scared because she sees people (who haven't had a loss) get a positive test and immediately order the nursery furniture and she considers this very naive. It IS naive, of course, but it's just one of those things you can't understand unless you've been through it. I miss the days when to me a positive test meant a baby in nine months. Now I know that just doesn't happen.


I wish I could think that of her, I REALLY wish. But she tells my 12 year old cousin that she's fat (when she's just got that kid pudge yanno?). She says it to upset you, BELIEVE me. Other family members who have had losses (my mom) almost smacked her when she said it.

I wish with all my freaking heart that the 2 lines meant a baby in 9 months. Then 3 of my friends who have been devastated, two of them multiple times could have what they dearly want more than life itself. When they've told me, I've bawled for hours on their behalf. I've prayed even though one of them is a staunch atheist, but I do believe in G-d, and I can't figure out for the life of me WHY. I've heard other friends who didn't know make stupid comments and I went off on them.

So even though i'm a complete stranger, ladies, I just want to say, I am so so so incredibly sorry with what you've gone through and I hope to G-d that you get what you deeply wish for. *hugs*


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## M Anna

I'm sorry your friends have had such a hard time, but thank you for being a good friend to them.

Re: your grandmother, my mother said some dreadful things to me after my first loss and she simply prides herself on saying what she's thinking. She's also told me I'm fat for most of my life, etc. She considers this a virtue.


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## lollie2357

Well, I wanted to add that my doctor was actually pretty incredible. My midwife wasn't, and unfortunately she was the one I was seeing. But my dr. was so kind at the follow ups. At my check up a year after, I still had questions, and he took the time to go through all of my ultrasounds frame by frame and answer all of my silly questions. He was awesome, and I have to say just having the loss acknowledged kindly in a medical way was very healing for me.

Maybe we could pass out stickers for the asshat doctors to wear, so we can identify the good ones more quickly. 

The nurse at the hospital did give me the " well, its no big deal, you can have another." ugh.


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## Alphaghetti

Yep, asshat doctor here too.

Something along the lines of, WITH an accompanying eyeroll "I don't know why women get so upset about miscarriages. They happen all the time". No shit. Thank you.

Is that supposed to somehow make me feel better? How bout keeping that special little gem to yourself, Doctor Compassion? He then proceeded to chuckle at me for speculating reasons why it may have happened.


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## theboysmama

oh this thread just blows me away.

My favorite "maybe this is god's way of saying you shouldn't have anymore children" Said 3 times!!!

"when are you going to stop doing this to yourself"

"you weren't planning on getting pregnant anyways"

"you should appreciate the children you do have"

and many more gyms

BUT the winner is...................................

(Said to my dh by a "friend" of his when dh told him we had lost the baby) "I hear little babies taste like chicken







umm, yeah they don't speak anymore.


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## M Anna

Nicole...I am speechless...


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## hotsauce

Maybe this makes me a real asshole, but at this point I don't care, I just need to get if off my chest. I realized this morning that the light bleeding I have been experiencing is not normal first trimester spotting when I got two negative pregnancy tests. I am still in the process of my miscarriage. Right now. A few days ago I was asking my fiance if we could come up with a 'game plan', like when to worry enough to go get an u/s, whether it was best to hold off until we could likely get a strong heartbeat (almost 6 weeks today), etc. And he wasn't really 'hearing' me so I say, "Can you follow along, please, with what I'm trying to say'. Kinda rude, sure, but he SNAPS at me and says, "Can you quit being such an f-ing JERK to me?", at which point I kinda lost my cool and went off about how alone I felt during my first pregnancy and how I didn't want to do it alone again and how he needs to be supportive, etc. My exact words were, "If you can't man up and be supportive of ME when I'M going through this, if I have to do this ALL ALONE, AGAIN, then I might as well just have an abortion." So I went to work, felt absolutely terrible because my baby was the thing I most wanted in the world, so I send him a message apologizing. I told him I was sorry and that he was a fantastic partner and would be an excellent daddy and I know I have some issues from my first pregnancy and birth I have to work through but it's not fair to take that crap out on him. SO. This morning within an hour of discovering I was, indeed, having a miscarriage he says to me, "So... do you still want to be with me? I mean, the other day you were talking about aborting it." To which I explained that what I said the other day was in anger at being snapped at and that I never even for a second meant it and I felt terrible about saying it immediately afterward and that he's an insensitive lout for bringing that up while I'm still in the middle of this. Am I wrong? Maybe I deserve this for saying what I did. At least that's what I feel he was implying... THEN, he whips out his phone and says, 'So you should ovulate in, what, fourteen days?' As if I'm going to just want to start getting busy trying to make another baby. I'm like, dude, can't I get through this moment right now, have this miscarriage that's happening to me NOW, before you try to get me pregnant again?: Anyone else's partners not handle it well/say insensitive crap to them? I don't even know what to think....


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## diana_of_the_dunes

hotsauce - First of all, I'm so sorry that you are losing your baby.







If you are in need of some support, please check out the TTC after a loss thread. There are a lot of really awesome women there.

I said something similar to my DH during my pregnancy with DS. I felt like my needs were being completely ignored at that point in time, and I was just really worried that we'd have a baby and he'd still not realize that he needed to step up because our family needs would be completely different than our needs as just a couple (I hope that made sense; it's a bad sentence). We actually had a rough time the whole time I was pregnant, because he was so scared and worried about all of the changes, and I was going through a lot of job stress on top of being a hormonal, cranky mess. And just for the record, he has turned into an amazing father and a better husband than he ever was when we were childless. I don't know what I'd do without him.









When you two are both calm, I'd sit down and just let him know that you were/are scared, and it's sort of crazy having a miscarriage or pregnancy physically happening inside you. I think men just process things differently. I know that for my DH, it didn't seem to really sink in that we were REALLY having a baby until I went into labor. And even then I had to convince him to stay home from work. He was just in some kind of denial. But for us women, it is happening to us, inside us, and often we are aware we're pregnant before a test confirms it. It's a completely different experience. The fact that you were pregnant probably hadn't even really sunk in for him yet, so the loss isn't as real for him either. If you can explain how you're feeling, maybe he'll realize that you are in a lot of emotional pain right now and be a bit more careful of what he's saying and how he says it. He may also be more likely to excuse your hormonal rampages. The best thing DH and I ever learned was when to keep our mouths shut! We've both gotten very good at not snapping back at the other, even when completely provoked...


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## baileyb

2 weeks after losing our first born, who was stillborn at 38 weeks, as we walk in to our friend's daughter's 2nd birthday, "I guess your plans have changed, huh?"

Luckily for her I was too much of a zombie yet to fully realize what she had said until later....


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## baileyb

Oh, and speaking of shitty-ass mothers. We found out before labor that our daughter was going to be stillborn. While I am in labor, literally pushing out my dead child, my mother says to my MIL (they were in the hallway) , "Don't worry, she will probably be giving birth by this time next year anyway."


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## baileyb

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Soul-O*
> 
> OK.. at least I'm starting this post with a case of the giggles at all of the asshat comments. I think that Army medicine attracts a serious number of both complete doofuses and total asshats, so I generally assume that either one or the other will treat me at any given time. However, there are a fair number of totally awesome older MDs who have seen it all and are super laid back yet responsive, so with any luck, one of those docs will be at my next delivery.
> 
> Moving on..
> 
> I had an ER doc tell me "it must be sad to want something when you can't have it" when I was experiencing my first in a series of three back to back miscarriages. The phrasing was so weird, almost like he was comparing my loss to not getting that Coach bag I wanted for Christmas! The same MD went on to tell me that I should consider having my tubes tied because "35 is pretty old to conceive, and you'll probably have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities anyhow. With all of these miscarriages, your chances are slim. I'd cut my losses if I were you." Well, I went on to have a perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy about 16 months later, so I guess 36 wasn't too old to have a baby without chromosomal issues . The OB who gave me the results of the pathology report from my most recent loss wouldn't allow me to have a copy of the baby's ultrasound picture (taken prior to her demise) because, "we need a complete chart, and besides, why do you want something so morbid? Are you sure you should be having more kids? I think you might need to be seen over at Behavioral Health. Here, I'll write you a referral, and how about some Zoloft?". All this because I wanted to have a lasting reminder of the little girl I'll never get to take home
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .


Oh my G-d! That is horrible!


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## baileyb

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *countrygirl28*
> 
> Hi ladies. I hope you don't mind my replying to this thread. The title caught my eye and the responses have been pretty interesting.
> 
> First, just wanna say, not all us docs are asshats, I swear! Some, certainly. Majority, probably. But there are some of us who truly care and think before we speak.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Second, I am fortunate to have never experienced my own loss, but my brother lost his daughter at five months of life in a tragic accident. My other brother said to him, "God must have saved her from something really bad." The brother who lost the daughter didn't seem terribly upset by this statement, but I think it was one of those instances in which he was so numb from grief he couldn't really react. I, however, was livid. I mean, my niece was healthy, happy, and a perfect baby in every way. She died in a tragic accident! WTF was God saving her from because to me dying at 5 months of age is pretty bad! I told him he was being insensitive and he should never say that to someone who just lost a baby. It's been three years since the incident, and it still makes me so angry when I think about it. Probably doesn't help that this particular brother and I have never really gotten along anyway. He's such an asshat!


I happened to have a great doc through our whole loss!

I think people say stuff like that when then really don't know what to say. I got a lot of God this and God that and it was not helpful, at all! I was at an Easter-y Church Pancake supper thing with my husband's grandma and just wanted to sit there and eat my frickin pancakes when the pastor comes over and said something about how now I understand what Easter is all about. First of all , I had no idea what that meant and secondly was soooo close to saying, "You know what? G-d is a baby killing assh-----." But I realized I was in church and she meant well and I was just really angry so I didn't say anything. Grrrrr.


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## baileyb

Oh, last story I promise! I went to, what would've been, my postpartum checkup and the nurse brings me back and says, "Oh, dangit, you didn't bring the baby with!"

And that's when I realized that *nobody.* *told.* *her.* *what.* *happened.* I told her she was stillborn and I think the nurse's heart stopped beating for a few minutes. I felt sooo bad for her! Poor girl, she was so nice through my whole pregnancy, too!


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## philomom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BaileyB*
> 
> I happened to have a great doc through our whole loss!
> 
> I think people say stuff like that when then really don't know what to say. I got a lot of God this and God that and it was _not_ helpful, _at all_! I was at an Easter-y Church Pancake supper thing with my husband's grandma and just wanted to sit there and eat my frickin pancakes when the pastor comes over and said something about how now I understand what Easter is all about. First of all , I had no idea what that meant and secondly was soooo close to saying, "You know what? G-d is a baby killing assh
> 
> ." But I realized I was in church and she meant well and I was just really angry so I didn't say anything. Grrrrr.


Try sitting at the Passover Seder with icky in-laws and having to read aloud "god smiting the firstborn of Egypt" a hundred times. That really sucked. Especially because I did lose my firstborn.


----------



## baileyb

UGH! I bet. How awful. We are about to go back to the same church today with DH's grandmother for a turkey lunch thing and I am really hoping the pastor doesn't saying anything to me about our 1 year old or even congrats or anything. I'm hoping to just avoid her...


----------



## lilmom

Ok, so I just experienced my 2nd back to back loss 2 weeks ago, and finally I got the nerve to come back on mothering..so this is just the place for me. I have a few gems that have been spoken to me quite recently.

1. By my "friend" who has by the way, been my "bff" since high school and we are now 36.."Did you pass your tissue yet" UM that is not tissue. That is my baby. I didn't speak to her for about a week..then she emailed me again and I described in full detail the horrific nature of what I had gone through..labor but no baby..serious gushing that almost caused me to go to the hospital..and her response? "Oh yeah sometimes I have gushing with my period too." WTF woman?? This is not my period. This is me losing my second baby in 7 months when I have been trying for 2 1/2 years!!!! Please do not minimize my miscarriage. Oh yeah..when I told her I lost the baby after the devastating ultrasound she also said "Sorry to hear you weren't pregnant after all." WHAT? I never said I wasn't pregnant!!!! I really truly do not know what her problem is. I am seriously considering not really hanging out with her ever again.

2. Second friend. Who was also in our wedding. "Maybe your eggs are all just super bad because you are over 35 now." Really?! This is how you comfort me? Knowing I desperately want my son to have at least one sibling and that DH and I love and adore children and want more badly? Thanks.

3. MIL. "I know it is hard right now but I'm confident God has a plan." I know she probably meant this well. But honestly, I am really not on board with God's plan in the moment when I am in severe pain and anguish, both physically and mentally.

On a positive note.. I have one friend who brought food over and was very sympathetic and wonderful. My ob.gyn was really great about it. DH's aunt and uncle sent a very nice card that actually was quite comforting, as they have had 2 losses themselves.

But overall, I am SHOCKED at how people think that it's not a big deal and you should just be over it immediately, AND that it is so extremely taboo to talk about it. No one treats miscarriage as something REAL to be grieved. But it truly is a loss. And I just don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand that. It seems like people we know have either been very insensitive or avoided us completely. Even my own mother. It makes no sense! Why?!??!

Thanks for letting me vent ladies. I am terribly sorry for all of your losses AND the horrible things that have been said to you all. Much love to you.


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## Edna236

I had been to be pregnant with them!! What a seriously dumb thing to say.


----------



## Edna236

I think the point where I would worry is if they don't seem to understand you - at this point, they should start to understand and recognize words, even if they aren't saying them yet.


----------



## greenmamato2

I've had 3 miscarriages, and had many awful experiences throughout them, with people's responses and reactions.

The first miscarriage (7 weeks), I was waiting for a call from the doctor's office to tell me if I needed to go in for a D&C. Like 4 days had passed and I was getting anxious about waiting, and just wanted it to be over. I called the doctor's office, and told them what happened and asked if they could please just go check the blood test to make sure my HCG levels had gone down. The nurse was all rude with me about her limited time and told me to hold on. She came back and practically yelled, "You're NOT pregnant, OKAY?" I just cried and said "its not okay," and hung up. I wouldn't talk to anyone about it - I refused to discuss it. I was so hurt that it was a topic that I literally couldn't breech. As a result, I didn't get a lot of stupid comments, because I just refused to talk about it, or hear anything. I did get a nice response from my daughter's speech therapist, who cried with me when I told her, hugged me, and told me I wasn't alone. I've never forgotten that, and it is 8 years later.

The second miscarriage was the one I was furthest along (12 weeks). The nurses and doctors at the hospital told me that it was "nature taking its course," which I guess is the best way to *try* to comfort someone and let them know it isn't their fault, though it felt like it was completely UN-natural.

I got a LOT of responses after that, that were REALLY difficult to handle. People constantly told me it was God's will. I'm definitely in the camp of believing that God isn't going to create a child in your womb only to kill it shortly after, for no known reason. There is nothing to learn from it, no greater good can come of it... it is a senseless loss, and not something I would give God credit for.

I also got the line a lot that something would be wrong with the baby, and I wouldn't want a special needs baby, would I? Yeah... my oldest has severe special needs. I eventually started asking them if God messed up by not killing her off in utero, and they finally shut up about it. As a side note, when I got pregnant with my youngest (now age 6), people often asked me how I could possibly get pregnant knowing I could be bringing another person into the world like my oldest daughter who has special needs (not genetic by the way). I always told them that if I had another one like her, I would be the luckiest mom around. People are stupid and insensitive.

My 3rd miscarriage, I had only been given the chance to tell about 3 people, hubby included, before I miscarried, so I didn't talk about the miscarriage a lot with people.

Recently, I am pregnant again, and my MIL told me "God will protect this baby, so you don't have anything to be worried about!!" (insert shit-eating-grin and cheerleader-chipper voice here). yeah... I'm not going to put this on God one way or another. I asked her, "if you believe that, then where was he when I lost 3 other babies?" She shut up.


----------



## Bena

ugh, ugh and more ugh!!! All these stories are just terrible but I was prepared to hear some bad things and so many comments (of the "God or nature blah blaha blah..type) pretty much rolled of my back. BUT....last week, I lost it! It took me over a week to add to this thread because I was so shocked and angry. And even now, recalling it, I'm getting upset again.

I'll explain...

A friend of mine (a close friend too, not just some acquataince) is due just 10 days after I would've been. We were actually really excited to be pregnant together, and at first, she was a great support in my loss (she's had a couple of miscarriages also, so she was one of the first people I called when I found out,at 15 weeks, that the baby was no longer alive and that I would need a d&c).

Anyway, last weekend, we went out for dinner. I was feeling much better, though seeing her for the first time, with her cute little belly, was really, really hard (I hadn't seen her, just talked with her almost every day, since I had lost the baby). Anyway, during the entire dinner, all she talked about was her pregnancy, and how she was feeling, blah, blah blah... AND THEN, she had the galls to ask me if she could borrow my maternity clothes. I was so shocked. I mean, I would lend it to her of course, but I DUE TIME! I was still bleeding from my miscarriage!

I'm still not over it. I haven't talked to her since, and I don't even now if I can see her for the next 5 months. I think it'll be to hard.


----------



## diana_of_the_dunes

Bena - Wow. WOW. I'd be shocked, hurt, and angry too. I'm so sorry she said that to you.


----------



## momct

I had two miscarriages, both were early at 8 and 10 weeks.The first one I had a D&C after, but the second one the doctor told me it would be better if I let the miscarriage happen naturally.I was scheduled to go away on a business conference and I told my boss about the miscarriage and I wanted to stay home.She had no sympathy and so I flew off to another state and bled my way through talks and dinners.She was a real jerk who had no empathy for anyone.Also at work,when I told a woman I worked with about the first miscarriage she said "Well good- now you see it's not going to be that easy." The OB told me I should stop trying to get pregnant for months -to take time to grieve and feel better.Actually I was 40 years old and had never had a baby.The only thing that was going to make me feel better was having a baby.Don't stop me from trying when you told me how time is ticking away with every month.I went through 4+years of infertility treatments after the miscarriages.We stopped when they said they felt there was no hope .I was too old to conceive.We had also looked into adoption .We went on a vacation and I told my husband I was too drained from going through the infertility treatments to go through the adoption process.We came home and the next cycle I was pregnant.I gave birth to a healthy boy three weeks after my 46th birthday.


----------



## RoseRedHoofbeats

My mom and I have a difficult relationship. It's better now that I live 1600 miles away. After my first loss, we had this conversation:

Mom: I'm really worried about you. I'm afraid you're going to get really depressed.

Me: (my mom thinks I have real feelings? my mom UNDERSTANDS my feelings...?)

Mom: So I don't want you to go and eat a bunch of chocolate, okay?

Me: (thaaaaat's more like it....)

~Rose


----------



## Bena

It sucks that you had such a horrible experience, but what a beautiful ending!!!!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *momct*
> 
> I had two miscarriages, both were early at 8 and 10 weeks.The first one I had a D&C after, but the second one the doctor told me it would be better if I let the miscarriage happen naturally.I was scheduled to go away on a business conference and I told my boss about the miscarriage and I wanted to stay home.She had no sympathy and so I flew off to another state and bled my way through talks and dinners.She was a real jerk who had no empathy for anyone.Also at work,when I told a woman I worked with about the first miscarriage she said "Well good- now you see it's not going to be that easy." The OB told me I should stop trying to get pregnant for months -to take time to grieve and feel better.Actually I was 40 years old and had never had a baby.The only thing that was going to make me feel better was having a baby.Don't stop me from trying when you told me how time is ticking away with every month.I went through 4+years of infertility treatments after the miscarriages.We stopped when they said they felt there was no hope .I was too old to conceive.We had also looked into adoption .We went on a vacation and I told my husband I was too drained from going through the infertility treatments to go through the adoption process.We came home and the next cycle I was pregnant.I gave birth to a healthy boy three weeks after my 46th birthday.


----------



## momct

Yes, Bena,We had a wonderful ending.I feel the miscarriages are a part of our history but luckily are not the whole story.We went through a lot and if I wasn't a hunt and peck-takes forever-typist I would say more.I am sorry for anyone else who has had a miscarriage and hope you will also have an eventual happy ending.


----------



## alaskanmomma

I miscarried on Monday, and yesterday I was crying and my DH told my MIL I was upset and she said something along the lines of "She's still upset? She only knew for a week or so.."


----------



## Shiloh

The worst thing anyone said to me

"you look great since you lost all that weight"

And yes they knew about the loss.


----------



## hildare

"now you have a chance to get in shape/healthy before you try again."


----------



## dbsam

I had several losses when I was TTC and my twins have health problems.

I was told "You had so many miscarriages and your children have health issues because you conceived against God's ways." (I conceived via IVF.)


----------



## j and js mommy

So I go back to work only 2 weeks after delivering still birth full term son.
My friend, who is an attorney and my boss' son, pulls me into his office to tell me
That he and his wife r naming their son JACKSON!! My dead son's name !! AND they were due only a week later than me! He had the Gaul to ask, does this upset you? Is it ok? I said does it matter what I feel?! Then the day their son was born the stuPid secretary announced over the loudspeaker that Jackson was born. I heard my sons name and for a second started looking around my desk for my baby. I actually thought he was alive. Work sucks to say the least these days. To make it worse, our firstborn children look alike, so there eill always be a baby with the same name, same looks and same age just down the road from me.


----------



## LokiPuck

My mother in law, when I told her I was losing the baby: well it's better this way, you wouldn't want a child that is abnormal.

I just m/c this past weekend, so I'm sure I will get to hear many, many more.


----------



## Shell29

I lost my 3rd (and first with my SO) last september. Missed miscarriage at 12 weeks that finished 8 days before my 30th bday. My 2 best friends both said this (at different times) "hey, you can drink on your bday weekend now!" I know they were trying to cheer me up in their own way, and since they don't have kids they can't possibly understand, but it really hit me hard. All I wanted for my 30th was my baby.

*Loki*, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.


----------



## Kaydove

"That sucks." From a co worker. To his credit he apologized the next day.
And my mother telling me that it was time to take the ultrasound photos off of our fridge a month after the lost because it wouldn't help me get over it.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2


----------



## unuselyriver

i know how you all feel i have lost 4 baby 's in the last 2 years the last one last night and you know what i got told maybe it was a bless that we found out this early and you did not die you know what people can say some of the most hurtful things i really want this baby me and my dh have been try for two years to have one and we really want a baby


----------



## sarahl918

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *M Anna*
> 
> 1. "God could have healed or saved Innocent...but he didn't."
> 
> 2. "When I'm up at 4 AM nursing my newborn I'll think of you." (This after a post in which I said I hated nights because I would wake up at 4 AM and cry for my babies.)
> 
> 3. "Why did you get pregnant anyway? Were you lonely and just wanted something to cuddle?"
> 
> These are the ones that stick in my mind anyway.


What the hell kind of a person says #2!!!!! Part of my grieving process caused me to have some pretty rage-filled moments when I would have seriously flown off the handle at anyone that even said anything slightly rude. Lucky for my Mother in Law she kept her mouth shut!


----------



## sarahl918

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JelloPanda*
> 
> "It's probably for the best - you're too young." - Said to me by my OBGYN.
> 
> "God always has a reason! This just wasn't meant to be."
> 
> "Miscarriages happen because there was something wrong with the baby - you wouldn't want a handicapped baby, anyways." - Attending ER doc, during threatened m/c with my first pregnancy.


EVERY nurse and hospital attendant I encountered while preparing for my D&C said that first part about "Ah, you're young - you have time" WTF


----------



## philomom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sarahl918*
> 
> EVERY nurse and hospital attendant I encountered while preparing for my D&C said that first part about "Ah, you're young - you have time" WTF


How wretched. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.


----------



## coldinaugust

Hi, all. I just wanted to say that I found this thread to be so helpful. I found it when I first started miscarrying last month, and seeing this menagerie of stupid & inappropriate things people say made me feel a lot more...empowered, I guess I'd say, when I heard them. Like, I could say to myself (in my head), "Ohhhh, you're saying a Common Stupid Thing. Good for you!" and then I could pay it no mind, which I'm not sure I would have been able to otherwise. So thank you to everyone.

<3, Ami


----------



## ilovetchotchkes

Oh man, my poor sister- she had a loss back in January. Her mother in law then informs her "well its better this way. This way E (her sister in law's baby) can have special time with me and grandpa"


----------



## mumsince2007

I have had 4 (going on 5 losses bc this pregnancy is not going well and I'm bleeding pretty heavily after seeing the hb on Thursday). After my 2nd loss, my grandmother and mother's partner both said it was "karma" because I had refused to fly with my 2 children alone 1600 miles away with a threatened miscarriage. I've heard many gems from various people, including doctors who told me I was over reacting when I went to the e.r. for pain.and bleeding Thursday. I just hate insensitive people!


----------



## Adaline'sMama

After Charlie passed away, my dad was putting DD to sleep for me (maybe three or four days after the funeral). I asked how she was doing and he replied, "Oh, she's dead". As in, "dead to the world" or "dead asleep". My heart dropped in to my stomach. He had no idea what it sounded like to me.

One of the social workers that was helping us through the terrible worst day ever said to me, "You know the lord is nigh? Right? You know that this is his plan?" Dh almost had her head for that.

A lot of people asked me, after telling them that he died of SIDS, "What happened?" Like, as in, they wanted to know exactly what the circumstances surrounding his death were....

And finally, the thing that brings me to this thread, someone walked into my retail store (closed, and has been since he passed away) and asked me if I was open. No. I supposed the shuttered windows and the big closed sign on the door, along with all the crap everywhere from IKEA confused you......Then she asked why we had closed and I told her that I was expecting twins and we were doing some renovations and that we had a death in our family this spring. She asked me who it was, and I told her it was my 2 month old son- to which she responded, "Well, at least he was just a baby." Thanks, thanks, that was just what I was thinking. At least he was "just a baby". WTF. She went on to ask me how much longer I thought we'd be closed, and if she could buy a vintage picnic basket, and I refused to sell it to her and all but told her to get out. It took her over 15 minutes to leave after that.


----------



## unuselyriver

*Adaline'smama i am so sorry to her that lady told you that i dont know what i would have done if someone told me that i think i would have hit them or worse*


----------



## SweetMama34

"Your body needs more time to be balanced before being pregnant." (Said by a midwife - whom I hope to never, ever deal with again after some horrible experiences).

Awesome. Way to blame it on my body vs. a natural 'fluke' of some sort or whatever else it may be.

Plus, I worked my ass off to prepare to try and conceive this child. It was hell coming off of Lexapro after 5 years, but I did it for the sake of my yet to be child. I went off of my daily Prevacid, which wasn't comfortable, either. I started exercising and eating very clean. I gave up coffee. I mean, nothing earth shattering - but I WORKED to clean and heal my body for months and months before even TRYING to conceive.

Why did she pick THAT to tell me, of all things?


----------



## baileyb

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> After Charlie passed away, my dad was putting DD to sleep for me (maybe three or four days after the funeral). I asked how she was doing and he replied, "Oh, she's dead". As in, "dead to the world" or "dead asleep". My heart dropped in to my stomach. He had no idea what it sounded like to me.
> 
> One of the social workers that was helping us through the terrible worst day ever said to me, "You know the lord is nigh? Right? You know that this is his plan?" Dh almost had her head for that.
> 
> A lot of people asked me, after telling them that he died of SIDS, "What happened?" Like, as in, they wanted to know exactly what the circumstances surrounding his death were....
> 
> And finally, the thing that brings me to this thread, someone walked into my retail store (closed, and has been since he passed away) and asked me if I was open. No. I supposed the shuttered windows and the big closed sign on the door, along with all the crap everywhere from IKEA confused you......Then she asked why we had closed and I told her that I was expecting twins and we were doing some renovations and that we had a death in our family this spring. She asked me who it was, and I told her it was my 2 month old son- to which she responded, "Well, at least he was just a baby." Thanks, thanks, that was just what I was thinking. At least he was "just a baby". WTF. She went on to ask me how much longer I thought we'd be closed, and if she could buy a vintage picnic basket, and I refused to sell it to her and all but told her to get out. It took her over 15 minutes to leave after that.


*WHAT.THE.F----!* Is wrong with people! And I'm sorry about what your dad said. One of our guy friends asked me why DD keeps saying, "I wanna die." when she was trying to say that she wanted to *drive*. I get why he was confused but I was thinking, please *do not* ever ask me that *EVER.*

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> So I go back to work only 2 weeks after delivering still birth full term son.
> My friend, who is an attorney and my boss' son, pulls me into his office to tell me
> That he and his wife r naming their son JACKSON!! My dead son's name !! AND they were due only a week later than me! He had the Gaul to ask, does this upset you? Is it ok? I said does it matter what I feel?! Then the day their son was born the stuPid secretary announced over the loudspeaker that Jackson was born. I heard my sons name and for a second started looking around my desk for my baby. I actually thought he was alive. Work sucks to say the least these days. To make it worse, our firstborn children look alike, so there eill always be a baby with the same name, same looks and same age just down the road from me.


Again, *WHAT.THE.F----* is wrong with people?! I named our newborn the same name as your stillborn, is that weird? YES!


----------



## LLQ1011

The worst was from a woman I worked with. I had lost two babies at 18 weeks.

"Do you think you should really try to have another baby since they always die? Maybe you should adopt."


----------



## Katica

well－meaning but pretty hurtful at the time:

"you`ll forget about this loss once you conceive again"- well, I didn`t want to forget..


----------



## deborahbgkelly

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Try sitting at the Passover Seder with icky in-laws and having to read aloud "god smiting the firstborn of Egypt" a hundred times. That really sucked. Especially because I did lose my firstborn.


Yeah, I lost my sons in late March this year. I refused to do anything for Passover this year. Not going to put myself through that.


----------



## deborahbgkelly

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kaydove*
> 
> "That sucks." From a co worker. To his credit he apologized the next day.
> And my mother telling me that it was time to take the ultrasound photos off of our fridge a month after the lost because it wouldn't help me get over it.
> Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2


That's interesting because this exact phrasing is one of only two I ever found acceptable. The reality is that it does suck.

AFM- I got "G-D needed two baby angels in heaven"- um, Jews don't really believe in heaven the same way, and no, there's this thing called biology that may or may not have to do with why babies pass (mine is turning out to be a genetic issue). This was said to me by a close friend who was widowed at 35. I am sure (okay, not sure, but I can't imagine it would have felt good) she would not have liked it if someone said that G-D needed her husband.

Said to me by a nurse- btw someone mentioned military medical professionals- she had been one (now, as I understand it, fired): I was getting discharged and had to wait a while for the doctor. She said, "Sorry it's taking so long, there are lots of babies being born today." Then, when I finally got discharged and she was going over the paperwork she talked about pre-eclampsia and how you can still have it after pregnancy. I told her I had absolutely no indicators of pre-e and she said "Well, there's a reason your babies died and it's often pre-eclampsia."

My doctor, who I love, and overall made it easier, did make a really stupid comment-that everyone else has mentioned. If it weren't for the wonderful stuff he did, he would no longer be my doctor. "You're still young, you can have another." Knowing full well that we had conceived via IVF. He was my referring doctor to the RE!

I have many more, but this is just a sample.


----------



## NEDCmom

"I'm just as upset about this as you are." - my mother.

This was in the same conversation in which she told me I probably lost the baby because I am too stressed out or because I have cats (even though I'd already told her I tested negative for toxo), and that she was really hurt that I hadn't told her sooner about this pregnancy.

Apparently, I'm a bad daughter because I haven't included her enough in my miscarriage. It's really interested to see what difficult times and tragedy reveals about people. I am so grateful for the kindness of complete strangers and deeply saddened by the selfishness of someone who I wish could be there for me.


----------



## skyblufig

Every single time I went to the OBs office, for the post-miscarriage-is-my-hcg-going-down blood tests, the nurse would walk in and ask my due date. Every single time I would have to explain that I *was *pregnant, but *wasn't* anymore. Then she'd actually look at my chart and say, "Oh. You had a miss." I don't know why it bothered me so much that she couldn't even say the entire word - miscarriage - but it did. Then a few weeks after the last blood test, I get a voice mail from the same nurse, asking me if I'm going to show up for my 12 week appointment, since I'm 45 minutes late for it!

My 12 week appointment? Ohhhh, you mean the one I cancelled in tears, at your desk, which you so graciously put your personal call on hold (with a big sigh) & minimized your internet screen to take care of for me? That appointment? F*** you and f*** your appointment.

Never went back to that office again.


----------



## porcelina

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *skyblufig*
> 
> Every single time I went to the OBs office, for the post-miscarriage-is-my-hcg-going-down blood tests, the nurse would walk in and ask my due date. Every single time I would have to explain that I *was *pregnant, but *wasn't* anymore. Then she'd actually look at my chart and say, "Oh. You had a miss." I don't know why it bothered me so much that she couldn't even say the entire word - miscarriage - but it did. Then a few weeks after the last blood test, I get a voice mail from the same nurse, asking me if I'm going to show up for my 12 week appointment, since I'm 45 minutes late for it!
> 
> My 12 week appointment? Ohhhh, you mean the one I cancelled in tears, at your desk, which you so graciously put your personal call on hold (with a big sigh) & minimized your internet screen to take care of for me? That appointment? F*** you and f*** your appointment.
> 
> Never went back to that office again.


Wow, that is so insensitive!! I swear, they need to train nurses about this stuff. I was handed a welcome to your pregnancy package by my nurse and then told to schedule my next appointment for 4 weeks later just after the doctor diagnosed miscarriage. You would think they would be more sensitive!!

My mom's comment when she found out I was having emergency surgery for an ectopic, just before I go under the knife, "sometimes your body just needs a dry run." I told her later how awful that was; luckily she was receptive.


----------



## unuselyriver

this was with my last loss well it was good you lost them cause we would not have know about your lever issues like i wanted to here that i mean what is wrong with people and that was by my doc


----------



## malzimus

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Soul-O* 


> The same MD went on to tell me that I should consider having my tubes tied because "35 is pretty old to conceive, and you'll probably have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities anyhow. With all of these miscarriages, your chances are slim. I'd cut my losses if I were you." Well, I went on to have a perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy about 16 months later, so I guess 36 wasn't too old to have a baby without chromosomal issues . The OB who gave me the results of the pathology report from my most recent loss wouldn't allow me to have a copy of the baby's ultrasound picture (taken prior to her demise) because, "we need a complete chart, and besides, why do you want something so morbid? Are you sure you should be having more kids? I think you might need to be seen over at Behavioral Health. Here, I'll write you a referral, and how about some Zoloft?". All this because I wanted to have a lasting reminder of the little girl I'll never get to take home
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .


 What jerks!!!! You know, I'm typically a non-confrontational person but I think I would have made a point of taking my lovely "perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy" and finding that ER doc AND going to that OB's office (assuming you stopped going there?!) and SHOW them how wrong they were. I would probably also have gone on to tell them how terribly insensitive and rude they were and given them a piece of my mind. If people don't tell them then they'll just keep on doing it, they might anyway but at least I would have had my say!

Did you ever get your ultrasound picture?

I am currently going through a miscarriage and have been for the past 2+ weeks. I've been going all natural with Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Tea to help and am praying I don't have to have a D & C. However, after reading so many different posts on MDC about things people have said, I'd almost dare someone to say the wrong thing to me at this point, lol. The day after I had the ultrasound to confirm what I already knew in my heart, I went and returned the maternity clothes I'd bought from several different stores. The lady at one customer service desk asked me something like "Why are you returning them"? I paused and responded "because I was pregnant but I'm not pregnant anymore" (the receipt was from 1 or 2 weeks prior). She responded "Well, that's a good reason" and then explained she was just asking to make sure there were no holes or anything.

I'm SO happy you got your sweet baby boy 16 months later!


----------



## deborahbgkelly

I forgot one- I was particularly upset that we were only 2 weeks away from viability when I lost my boys (i knew our smaller one was probably not going to make it even at that point), but I sasid, just 2 weeks and at least one of my boys could possibly have come home with me. Of course, thinking they're being helpful, they say, "Well, there's only a very small chance that a child born at that gestation won't have severe disabilities." Like I give a damn. I wanted my boys no matter what issues they may or may not have had. They did not have any chromosomal abnormalities and this was a placental breakdown issue (we didn't know that then, but guessed it).


----------



## deborahbgkelly

Today's gem: ""I know this may not be appropriate, but losing Yolanda, (my puppy) was just as hard as losing a human baby. There was just a special "something" about her that broke my heart. It didn't help that she died on my birthday, either... let's all remember our lost little ones, if we never forget them, they're never really lost." On Facebook when I posted for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.


----------



## philomom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *deborahbgkelly*
> 
> Today's gem: ""I know this may not be appropriate, but losing Yolanda, (my puppy) was just as hard as losing a human baby. There was just a special "something" about her that broke my heart. It didn't help that she died on my birthday, either... let's all remember our lost little ones, if we never forget them, they're never really lost." On Facebook when I posted for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.


No offense to pet owners out there but that makes me crazy! Comparing your pet to my baby! Really?!!!!!!


----------



## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> No offense to pet owners out there but that makes me crazy! Comparing your pet to my baby! Really?!!!!!!


SERIOUSLY!


----------



## j and js mommy

animals=humans? NO!!!!!

I had another person ask if I was pregnant over and over today. and this same person also said to a woman expecting a grandchild that is worried and doesn't want to get too excited due to complications,"why shouldnt u get excited?" right in front of me. i should have said, BECAUSE THEY CAN DIE!(and u arenlt listening to what she is saying).


----------



## here we are

Deleted


----------



## deborahbgkelly

TBH, I do treat my dog like a baby and she loves it. However, I think that has to do with the loss of my sons. I needed someone to take extra special care of after I lost them. I got her a couple of months before we conceived the twins. That being said, I would never feel the same way about losing her as I do about losing my sons.


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## mopdop2000

Our son was 6 months old when he passed, and I went to a grief group at a local church. At our 2nd time going the whole topic of discussion was the inappropriate things people say to parents who have lost children. This one lady, whose 23 yr old son had very recently committed suicide, went on about the insensitive people at her work etc. Then after the meeting came up dh and I and said, "Thank you for sharing your story here. Often when I am thinking about my son, I remember you two and am thankful that I at least knew him for 23 yrs, not just six months"

REALLY???? Needless to say we never went back there.

The other one was the pediatrician on call the day Alex died. We took Alex in to the ER in the morning and were sent home after bring his temp down and stabilizing breathing. We were back a few hrs later and Alex passed away that evening. So the ped calls the following day and says "I am so happy I didn't come into the hospital in the morning b/c I would have it on my conscience for the rest of my live." Oh, glad to help ease your conscience ...


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## mamacatsbaby

Gah! *twitch* I really need to stop reading this thread, ugh!


----------



## incorrigible

I'm in the process of miscarrying and was talking to a friend about it this morning. I just hit 5 weeks preg like today. She tried to comfort me because she "knew how much I would have like to have been pregnant." And suggest I should wait longer to tell dh in the future so I don't "get his hopes up again." But it could be worse...I could be having a "real miscarriage" instead of just a late period that I "mistook for pregnancy".


----------



## Silverring

I went to hospital during a miscarriage, with what one of the nurses called 'the products of conception' in a tub. I passed the tub to a nurse, while I was doubled over in pain in a wheelchair and he said, 'Eew! I'm not touching that. That's disgusting'.

It has been 12 years and it doesn't get any easier to think about his callousness during such an awful time.


----------



## 100%mom

I was told,

"well, when I am pg I do everything possible to make sure I'm going to have my baby."

That was right after I had just had 2 miscarriages back to back.


----------



## RachelGS

From my doc, who declined to check progesterone even given my history of progesterone supplementation and early m/c, after I miscarried at about eight weeks with a level of 5: "Well, you're 40, so it's not very surprising."


----------



## deborahbgkelly

Ugh. I'm sorry to both of you for such insensitive jerks. I just had a missed miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks- 3rd child lost in less than a year. So far, I haven't heard anything idiotic, but I hadn't shared with many people that I was PG this time. I actually had a very positive experience yesterday. Someone asked me if I wanted to be on their prayer list rather than just assuming it was okay That was just wonderful.


----------



## nsmomtobe

1st ER doctor (Day 1) after first making me feel ridiculous for coming in to get checked out because it was just a little bleeding, barely anything to worry about, but then she did a blood test anyway: "Hmm... your pregnancy levels look a little low for 11 weeks (hcg=3000). It's probably not a viable pregnancy. I could give you something tonight to end it, or I could send you for an ultrasound tomorrow. What do you think."

Me: "I want an ultrasound." (it was the only reason I had waited 8 hours in the ER--it was my only shot at getting an ultrasound)

Doctor shrugs and leaves the room to schedule the u/s for the next day. I break down crying with the realization the pregnancy is over. She comes back in and says, "Oh. Did I say something to upset you?"

<the u/s reveals that the fetus stopped growing at 7 weeks, no heartbeat. I schedule a d&c for the following day, but start to miscarry that night and return to ER, bleeding heavily.>

(Day 2) 2nd ER doctor comes in, checks the chart and says, "You know the baby's dead, right?"

Yes, and thank you for your sensitivity at this difficult time.

Overall, I do not get upset with people who say the things they say when I know they are trying to be comforting. It really is hard to know what to say. What some people find upsetting, others might find comforting. I do think that some people--including medical professionals, in particular--need to be more sensitive or acknowledging of the pain people are going through.

My own family has been very supportive and acknowledging of my loss, despite the fact that the conversations tend to go like this: "I was so sad to hear that you lost the baby. I was just sitting here, thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Did the doctors figure out yet what you did to cause the loss?"


----------



## nsmomtobe

Deborah, I'm very sorry that you have had another loss.


----------



## deborahbgkelly

Thanks NSmomtobe. I'm so sorry for all those awful experiences. Most of my bad experiences were also with medical professionals. What is up with that?


----------



## LLQ1011

On my daughter's birthday (our first loss) it was a beautiful day with my little family. So my bff calls me that night at 11 and wants to talk about my losses. Which is odd because she was there for my daughters birth and has really never said anything else. She's was feeling all nostalgic and told me she had an abortion and always felt sad because that baby could have solved world hunger.

The goes on to tell me later in the conversation that she believes in karma and that my babies died for a reason and that they could have been murderers.... This really offends me especially since the idea of karma is if.you do bad thing bad things will happen to you. I tried to explain to her that my losses could have been prevented with medical intervention and that without it Iwould never have a baby survive. That its not fate. Then she tells me they were probably messed up genetically and that my body is doing what it should to ensure I have a genetically healthy baby. This is not the case as I had Logan tested and he was perfect. So then when I explain that (which I have told her before it hurts my feelings that she remembers Nothing about my losses especially since she was on of the few who I really opened up to about it)

She then gets irritated and tells me that's what she believes and I can believe what ever I want.... So she thinks the baby she terminated was the next Einstein and my losses were mutated murders. I was sooooooo offended.

It sucks that even years after the fact people still can hurt you so much.


----------



## deborahbgkelly

LLQ- I've heard some doozies, but those take the cake. I have heard variations on the genetic anomaly thing and had to explain that mine are problems with my genes affecting my ability to carry term. That my boys were perfect, just tiny.


----------



## writinglove

LLQ, what you friend said is so horrible! I have heard some insensitive mumbo jumbo, but, as Deborah said, that takes the cake! Hugs to you. (Dang, I'm fuming for you.)


----------



## j and js mommy

Omg and where was she going with all tgat? Trying to make u feel good? She needs her ass kicked


----------



## unuselyriver

and i agree with all the other moms


----------



## LLQ1011

She told me later that she was trying to make light of an uncomfortable conversation. She called me on my daughters birthday wanting to talk about loss and was uncomfortable.. I barely said anything through her rambling. We have not talked since. She was one of four people to ever see or hold my daughter.


----------



## mamacatsbaby

Damn! Every time I read this thread my jaw ends up further on the floor! I'm so sorry ladies! WTF is _*wrong*_ with people?!


----------



## philomom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LLQ1011*
> 
> Then she tells me they were probably messed up genetically and that my body is doing what it should to ensure I have a genetically healthy baby. This is not the case as I had Logan tested and he was perfect.
> 
> It sucks that even years after the fact people still can hurt you so much.


I had a couple of folks try to "comfort" me with this thought, too. My hubby and I are huge readers and students. We have gone back to college a couple of times in our adult lives... so our extended friends and family think we are very smart. They implied that we wouldn't have the love/patience, etc for a child who wasn't as bright as we are. But no, just as your son was, our losses were also fine genetics wise.


----------



## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I had a couple of folks try to "comfort" me with this thought, too. My hubby and I are huge readers and students. We have gone back to college a couple of times in our adult lives... so our extended friends and family think we are very smart. They implied that we wouldn't have the love/patience, etc for a child who wasn't as bright as we are. But no, just as your son was, our losses were also fine genetics wise.


I hate this response. Anyone who.has done research know that genetic.abnormalities are way less common than previously thought. I also agree why would I find relief in losing a genetically different child. Like it makes it ok they died because they might have been messed up. Do these people.look at disabled people now and think "aw too bad she didn't have a miscarriage." It's a terrible thing to say.


----------



## Tenk

LLQ, your friend should be ashamed of herself and should not be considered your friend anymore. Anyone that could say something so stupid to someone that's experienced loss (I know people say things wrong when they're trying to say something nice but this is just NOT what she did) should just be moved passed. Hugs to you mama.


----------



## OtherSoul

My friend told me babies who miscarry probably committed suicide in a previous life :/


----------



## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OtherSoul*
> 
> My friend told me babies who miscarry probably committed suicide in a previous life :/


Omg! What is wrong with people.


----------



## deborahbgkelly

OtherSoul- Talk about jaw dropping! WTF is wrong with people?


----------



## RachelGS

Whaaaaaaaaaaat??


----------



## j and js mommy

Erased wrong thread


----------



## j and js mommy

Wow totally wrong thread that posted to. I was in a cafe with crappy wifi that wasn't working. Sorry everyone


----------



## SunandRain

I had someone tell me, basically, that my loss doesn't matter because I already have four living children.


----------



## rebecca_n

these are more bad reactions than things said but:

that it was my fault for testing early (this was said after getting results for pregnancy after loss, also said that I would lose this one too) - reported her for that but nothing happened

when telling my boss I was pregnant (had to early b/c military) and was asked if I wanted him to punch me in the stomach and take care of it, he tackled me a few days later and I did end up miscarrying but know that probably wouldn't cause it)

that it wasn't important and obviously was my first since I still cared

that he (1SG who I called because I didn't want to tell him in front of my company) was too busy to hear it. he then made me tell him right after a formation with everyone there and refused to let me leave until I started crying.

It's been 5 years almost and it still hurts. Saw a picture of my old 1SG and felt nauseous


----------



## rebecca_n

LLQ omg that was so horrible of her, I'm sorry for your loss and for having to deal with that so called friend


----------



## rebecca_n

Reading through this thread and I just can't believe that people can be such jerks, what the hell is wrong with them?

one more I remember is a friend's husband asking what the baby looked like and if they let me take it home and pretty much made dead baby jokes. they are not our friends anymore


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## maos211

Some people really suck. I've even so bitter because I have felt like no one acknowledges our loss. ( hi, I'm new. Conceived identical twin girls, they suffered from TTTS in the womb. At birth at 29 weeks, a surprise turn. My sick twin hung on and my seemingly healthy twin die after a day in the NICU. My specialist who I saw every Tuesday and Friday down the hall for about 3 months ( I was hospitalized and on complete bedrest) NEVER asid a word about my angel Gabby. Even though I gave birth on Thursday night and he was there Friday morning ( still down the hall) where I'd have had my ultrasound that day. My regular OB never a word, zero! On gabby 's first anniversary of passing no one , not my mother, sister , on laws, no one said a word! No acknowledgment of our loss whatsoever! I did remember that after my is carriage (3 years prior) when I was bleeding my MIL just kept saying " oh it will be fine" I know she was trying to be positive but I felt invalidated. She didn't know if it was going to be fine or not! Obviously it wasn't. Lastly when I announced my twin pregnancy at work, one of my coworkers said " did the doctor day you could have twins? You are so tiny !" ( I'm 5'1")


----------



## Lazurii

I don't know if I can post these here since they were associated with my losses, but with my sister's, but...

My sister found out at her 20 week ultrasound that her baby had multiple cysts in her kidneys and she wasn't making any amniotic fluid (Potter's Syndrome). My sister found out her baby would die at birth.

Really, the entire experience for her was a train wreck, but the two comments that stood out to me the most were:

Our dad: "Well, your daughter could have been healed by God, but you didn't have enough faith."

Our mom: "You need to watch what you eat, you won't have a baby to nurse all your weight off."


----------



## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *maos211*
> 
> Some people really suck. I've even so bitter because I have felt like no one acknowledges our loss. ( hi, I'm new. Conceived identical twin girls, they suffered from TTTS in the womb. At birth at 29 weeks, a surprise turn. My sick twin hung on and my seemingly healthy twin die after a day in the NICU. My specialist who I saw every Tuesday and Friday down the hall for about 3 months ( I was hospitalized and on complete bedrest) NEVER asid a word about my angel Gabby. Even though I gave birth on Thursday night and he was there Friday morning ( still down the hall) where I'd have had my ultrasound that day. My regular OB never a word, zero! On gabby 's first anniversary of passing no one , not my mother, sister , on laws, no one said a word! No acknowledgment of our loss whatsoever! I did remember that after my is carriage (3 years prior) when I was bleeding my MIL just kept saying " oh it will be fine" I know she was trying to be positive but I felt invalidated. She didn't know if it was going to be fine or not! Obviously it wasn't. Lastly when I announced my twin pregnancy at work, one of my coworkers said " did the doctor day you could have twins? You are so tiny !" ( I'm 5'1")


The thing that makes my heart hurt the worst is that no one remembers. I'm sorry for your loss mama


----------



## EmmaRea

I've had the, "Oh, now you can drink!" comment, too. And my husband wondered why I did not want the speaker of this particular comment to be our DS's godfather.

The worst comment from all of my three losses was from my MIL after my second loss, the only one she knew about. In talking with my husband, she said:
*Maybe its for the best. You're both young, and you don't know where you'll be in five years. You two might not even be together anymore...*

Gee, is that wishful thinking, MIL? Are you, you wretched old bat, still angry that I "stole" Sonny Boy, and after so long out of your bony clutches, he's started to realize what a horrid mother you are, how selfish you are, and how what you did to him legally qualifies as abuse?? Even if I go away, these truths will remain. Just so you know. You cow.

I can't even be in the same room as this woman today. When she came over last week to meet my 2-week-old DS, I laid him on the couch when she pulled up and walked away and let DH conduct that meeting.


----------



## nsmomtobe

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rebecca_n*
> 
> when telling my boss I was pregnant (had to early b/c military) and was asked if I wanted him to punch me in the stomach and take care of it, he tackled me a few days later and I did end up miscarrying but know that probably wouldn't cause it)


WTH? I guess you don't work for him anymore, but the latter seems like grounds for taking legal action. The comment just has me scratching my head. I'm guessing it was an attempted joke?

Despite what I said about not being too hard on people who make comments in sympathy, I question whether many of the people who made the comments on the last couple of pages were actually trying to cheer anybody up. I seriously wonder what some of these people were thinking and what their motivations were.

LLQ, your friend's comment was another one that was wildly inappropriate. I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## rebecca_n

> Our dad: "Well, your daughter could have been healed by God, but you didn't have enough faith."
> 
> Our mom: "You need to watch what you eat, you won't have a baby to nurse all your weight off."


that is so horrible especially coming from your parents. I have a friend whose baby died after birth from the same thing and it was so

devastating. I'm sorry.

@Nsmom you seem to sign your rights away when you join the military and the unit I was in was not family friendly. I had already been in 4 years and through a deployment but people seem to see getting pregnant as a way to get out of doing your job. I ended up getting out because my husband and I needed one of us available for our kids (when I got pregnant and when I had our stepdaughter). The whole situation surrounding my miscarriage was just screwed up.


----------



## naturallyme

Well where to start.....

Most of the people in my life were amazing through my loss which happened on 2/27/13. I am okay but still grieving too. It hurts. It sucks. I miss my baby. What keeps ringing through my mind is the painful stuff that people said and did.

"You have three beautiful boys already, focus on them." they just don't get it.

"That happens so much more easily when you are 41.", meaning the miscarriage.

"Now, you won't have to start over."

"You must be so relieved."

And the kicker is that my mother, who was my biggest support while I was pregnant, disowned me the moment I called her from the hospital to tell her I lost the baby. She was the second person I called. She disowned me because the father of the baby, came to be by my side through it all at the hospital. He was a mess that I was pregnant and at first wanted me to abort. He respected my decision not too. After a month, he was starting to come around and we loved each other through it all. My mother did not want me to discuss him with her so was unaware that we were still talking and seeing each other so all she thought is that he is monster for suggesting abortion. When she was 17, she conceived me, everyone suggested abortion to her but here I am. BOTH of my Catholic grandmothers believe it was in her best interest at the time to abort me. They were the most beautiful and amazing women in my life and I miss them greatly  She believes I was lying to her about being in the hospital that day and that I let him talk me into an abortion. I am prolife and vote prolife. I give money to prolife lobbying organizations. I believe life begins at conception and no child is created outside of Gods will. I judge no one who has ever had or will have an abortion. Yet, I am 41 years old, own my home, pay my bills and raise my three teenage sons but to her I am a liar and a murderer!!!!

She called the next day and screamed at me again. I still can't believe my own mother screamed at me when I just found out I lost my baby. I cannot talk to her. I do forgive her, sort of but what she did is so horrible and left a deep and wide scar inside of me. I may write her a letter telling her how I feel. I will be able to tell her how much she hurt me without her being able to interrupt and she would have to listen to me, wouldn't she?

I guarantee that she is going to blame him for my not talking to her. She is going to believe what she wants no matter what I say. He wants me to talk to her. I just can't.


----------



## Shiloh

Prolife over here with my mouth and my money. When I told people I lost the baby, a friend said oh you just decided to quietly solve the situation....um wtf no.


----------



## j and js mommy

My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.


----------



## naturallyme

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> Prolife over here with my mouth and my money. When I told people I lost the baby, a friend said oh you just decided to quietly solve the situation....um wtf no.


OMG!!! Some people are complete idiots!


----------



## naturallyme

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.


So sorry for your loss and sorry your mom couldn't deal with it well either. It sucks when our moms can't be there for us when we need them to just love us quietly and stand by us.


----------



## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.


OMG! Some of the worst stuff said to me came from my mom. That's terrible it is still 6 weeks of recovery. I am so sorry.


----------



## SunandRain

Just 2 days ago, an IRL friend told me that I need to keep my chin up, that I shouldn't mourn a baby I never knew, and I shouldn't mourn because I have 4 kids already and so many people would love to be in my shoes because they don't get to have kids at all.

Right now, I don't care about other people. My loss is my own and doesn't affect anyone else. And the kids I have and know don't replace or make up for the ones I will never know (I lost a baby a few years ago and had 3 chemical pregnancies in the last 8 months as well as this 9 week miscarriage).

People suck. She wanted me to come to her baby shower. I do not think I can ever attend another baby shower ever again. Seeing a pregnant woman kills me. I had to hide a lot of people on my FB feed because all they do is post photos of their babies and pregnant bellies. That crack, though, sealed the deal for me.


----------



## j and js mommy

I too blocked pregos from my fb feed, especially ones expecting boys


----------



## naturelle

I seriously cannot believe some of the things I am reading here! The insensitivity from medical professionals and friends and even close family members is truly shocking!! I am so sorry you had to go through these traumatic experiences as well as have complete idiots making you feel worse and offending you. It's just disgusting.

I came on this thread because I am looking for some advice. My friend just lost her first baby. Everything was perfect throughout the whole pregnancy and she had a c section after going 10 days overdue, but the baby died just 2 days later. From what I gather, the little angel had some distress in the days before birth and had meconium in her lungs and she just couldn't make it. I'm in disbelief and absolutely devastated for my friend. She should be getting to know her baby, breast feeding, changing nappies and spending hours just watching her little blessing. Instead she is probably in bed crying her heart out. I can't bear that thought. And there is probably nothing that I can say to make her feel any better... All I have said for now is that I am completely shocked and upset and thinking about her and I'm here for her (although we have great physical distance between us). I know this thread is about the worst things that people have said to you after loss, but what about some of the best/nicest/comforting things that people have said?

Another thing is that I'm expecting my first child in a few weeks. Our babies were supposed to be playmates but now she has to bury hers, I just cannot believe it... This wasn't supposed to happen. Obviously my friend is going to be so upset every time she sees my baby. Should I back off for a little while? I want to be there for her but maybe I am the wrong person.


----------



## naturelle

I have just found a thread started by LLQ about the best things said to you after a loss. Would still be grateful for any replies on how to handle this in the most gentle and sensitive way.


----------



## LLQ1011

No don't back off. I would cal her and let her talk it out. Dont talk about your pregnancy and so on. But still reach out. If she wants space she just wont answer. Send her flowers. The biggest deal is to remember. Its so common that everyone forgets or moves on and on the mother and father are left to be the only ones who remember.

My whole life growing up my mother set Lilies to her friend who lost her son at birth on his birthday. I always thought how wonderful ti was she did that. (too bad she doesn't remember or aknowledge my daughter and sons birthdays but oh well)

I find myself just wishing someone else would remember. So though you might not be able to do much for her right now the opportunity to help her and her family in this terrible situation never ends. My friend does a march of dimes walk every year and we always donate. He friends and family walk with her every year (its been 5) just wait for her cues. She will hint and so on. Remember the babies name and so on. I HATE when my sister or someone asks me what I named them for the 100th time.

I am so sorry for you friend. It is the hardest pain and grief to lose a child. It can be so lonely at times when the whole world doesn't know what to say.


----------



## j and js mommy

I second the don't talk about your pregnancy but call her. With us it seemed like no one would just call us or just stop by. We were supposed to reach out to others-he'll no we were too depressed to do that. An edible arrangement was really nice of an attorney I worked with. U could order her one. I'm sure she doesn't want to eat now but coming from u it would get her eating I bet. And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.


----------



## naturelle

Thank you both for your advice. I know I will not forget the baby's name but I have made a note of the date so that I can give her support when the 1 year anniversary comes around.

She is not taking any calls at the moment but said she would return my call when she's ready. She needs time and space. I definitely wouldn't say anything about my pregnancy. I just want to give her a big hug and cry with her. She lives in Brazil so I will have to look up where to get an edible arrangement sent from, that's a lovely idea, and fruits would be an easy thing for her to stomach.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.


I can't help thinking that if her c section had been scheduled a few days earlier, this could have all been avoided... Obviously that is not a good thing to say to a grieving mother, but it's what I am thinking.

Thanks again for the responses and I'm sorry for your own losses, so heart-breaking.


----------



## lilmom

Naturelle, I agree with sending flowers and just reaching out. My dear friend made a full meal and brought it to my house and offered to watch my son during my second loss last year. It was so wonderful. She never tried to justify my loss somehow the way others have during all my losses. She just tried to help me. And that meant the world to me. She asked what I needed. Also, I had a friend who was pregnant with me too, and I have not seen her baby in person since she lives several hours away, and I know when I do it will be hard. But I also have been able to move past it enough that I would be happy and excited to see her baby. She basically stayed quiet and didn't talk to us early on. And that was ok, because I couldn't take any talk of pregnancy, but at the same time, some acknowledgement of our loss wouldve been nice. I think it's great you are there for your friend, and congrats on your baby.


----------



## SunandRain

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *naturelle*
> 
> I have just found a thread started by LLQ about the best things said to you after a loss. Would still be grateful for any replies on how to handle this in the most gentle and sensitive way.


Just say I'm sorry. Let her cry. Dont be afraid to talk about HER baby. Bring over meals. Ask if she is OK with seeing you....I had a pregnant friend stop by unexpectedly, and I held it together while she was over but cried all day after she left. I'm sure she will want to stop by again sometime with the baby; I hope she asks first.


----------



## maos211

From someone who had a couple of miscarriages and the loss of aa newborn in the NICU, please don't tell her cliche things like " all will be fine", "everything happens for a reason, "god knows what he is found" etc etc just be there. Treat her normal.


----------



## j and js mommy

And that bs line, God needed another angel, that really irritated me. And I'm religious.


----------



## aoifesmiles

I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!


----------



## naturelle

When I reached out she said (via her husband) that she was grateful, she's just not ready to talk yet. I told her I would understand if she wanted me to give her space for a little while.

I wish I lived closer so I could go and take her some food, but she moved to another country just as she fell pregnant, and so she naturally has a weaker support network over there too.

Sorry for your loss aoifesmiles, and that you've had unwelcome comments made. I think LLQ summed it up pretty well when she said that it can be lonely when the whole world doesn't know what to say to you. I guess it's best to just keep it simple and be there. People feel the need to say something that they think will make you feel better but really nothing makes you feel better in that situation apart from time, and even that won't do it completely.


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## japonica

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *aoifesmiles*
> 
> I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!


Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.

I heard it all:

There's a reason for it.

It wasn't meant to be.

God wanted her.

Jesus wanted her.

God had some higher purpose for her.

It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.

Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).

Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?

Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.


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## aoifesmiles

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *japonica*
> 
> Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.
> 
> I heard it all:
> 
> There's a reason for it.
> 
> It wasn't meant to be.
> 
> God wanted her.
> 
> Jesus wanted her.
> 
> God had some higher purpose for her.
> 
> It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.
> 
> Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).
> 
> Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?
> 
> Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.


Exactly, it's actually quite rude for people to assume that you hold the same religious beliefs at them when trying to comfort them after a loss. In my opinion, they are saying it for their own comfort, because nobody can make sense of why babies die. People need meaning for it. I don't need meaning, it's nature, it doesn't have to make sense. It's unfair, but it doesn't need to actually mean anything. I carry the memory of my sons in my heart, they live on in our lives as a family in our day to day chats. We always include them in our family count. I really think the best things that any of my friends have said to me was nothing at all. It was the ones who cried with me, who just sat their feeling my pain with me for that one moment. The ones who brought food around, or just texted to say hi and that they were thinking of me. Thankfully there were way more of those than the others.


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## aoifesmiles

naturelle, sounds like you handled everything very well.


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## Sourire

I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.

Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:

From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."

From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).

From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".


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## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sourire*
> 
> I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.
> 
> Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:
> 
> From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."
> 
> From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).
> 
> From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".


Omg! I am so sorry! Family sucks.


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## j and js mommy

Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.


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## unuselyriver

i feel so so sorry for the moms on hear that have lost there babies and there family where total unsensitive at least i can say that my dad and my husband that i have now get just as upset as i did when i would loss a baby my last husband cry when we lost are first born dd but did not want to talk about after her funeral but i think it was cause he was hurting but it hurt me cause no one would talk about her


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## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.


OMFG! I would have gotten violent.

I will never forget how my mom told me I killed my baby because I went to hospital. After 2 days of broken water and a a massive uterine infection at 18 weeks. I had to be in the hsopital for 5 days and my temp was 104. Then the second time she told me "You suffer the consequenses of you choices"

If I could adopt you ladies I would.


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## Shiloh

Mothers day.
My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
And its mother's day.

What is wrong with people?
Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..


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## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> Mothers day.
> My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
> Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
> And its mother's day.
> 
> What is wrong with people?
> Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..


That is terrible. I pray she never has to deal with a miscarriage and know what it is like. I am so sorry. I don;t even know what I would do if my child acted that way. I am so sorry.


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## Shiloh

I think people who lack empathy simply don't care. My mom asked me if after I gave birth I'd be relieved not to be fat anymore - as I'm fat now - because no one shows at 17 weeks. She went on to tell me she was chubby and pleasantly plump when she was younger - and a size f'ing six. A size 6 is fat to her. I'm 60 pounds heavier than her fattest and a only a size 12, which she can't figure out why dp actually finds me still attractive. Family holidays just another reminder how dysfunctional people can be and how they can't shut their mouths even on special days. I'm eloping now.


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## j and js mommy

Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!

Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different


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## LLQ1011

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *J and Js mommy*
> 
> Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!
> 
> Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different


Me too!! Hopefully we can treat our daughter inlaws well too. Im hoping its just a generational thing and not an "I turned 49 so now I hate my children" thing.


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## morningtide

Worse thing from the nurse practitioner: "Are you sure you were pregnant?"


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## Jennyanydots

From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."


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## mamacatsbaby

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jennyanydots*
> 
> From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."


Holy hell!







Omfg, that truly had me on the verge of







. Great day in the morning, ugh!


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## Sourire

Jennyanydots - holy crap!!!!! That is one of the worst ones I've ever heard.


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## verdant

Lost a baby over a year ago and dh family was completely dimissive. His bro in law said, "we dont give a shit about your dead baby" which completely baffled me at the time because they just gave birth to week old infant at the time. Dh mom and twin sisters informed me that I needed to get over my feelings. So needless to say I was completely crushed. Hope was not lost as I did get preggo again but when mil asked about hospital arrangements like I was extending an invitation I remained mum about my whereabouts. The only people there will be dh and I.


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## verdant

To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.


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## verdant

To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.


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## Redmom

1. "I hope you're not too upset".

2. "Maybe it was for the best, this way you'll have more time to prepare for a baby"

3. The nurse doing the pre Op for my D&C - "I'll need a urine sample" - Me "Why" - Nurse "So we can do a pregnancy test"......WTF....(I refused - she bullied me saying then they would need to take blood from me which would delay the procedure for an hour - I told her I didn't consent to that either. No one bothered me about blood or urine after that).

4. "I'm sorry about your miscarriage. (Followed perkily by) So - are you going to try again (punching her fist in the air mimicking the "good old college try" gesture)."


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