# I Don't Know What to Do -- Toddler Pushing and Hitting



## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

DD is 2.5 years old. This morning, DD pushed me on the cheek to make me go away. I said, "you shouldn't push" and her face crumpled. I regretted the "you" statement, because that really upsets my DD.

With DD, all you need to do is say you did not like what she did and she melts into sadness and tears. To deal with this, I usually say "WE don't do that" emphasis on the "we" instead of "you."

DD would not apologize for pushing me on the face, and I left to get dressed. About 30 min later, DD asked DH to say sorry to me for her. DH said he would not do that and that it was DD's job to apologize.

I got down to O's level and she came over to me. I told her I loved
her, and it made me really sad when she pushed me on the face. I
asked her if she would say sorry and she said, "No, but I did it
because I wanted a sunny side up egg."

Then, she said "But XX pushed me" -- this happened during a trip to LA last year, and I said "well XX got time out for pushing you." I did not expect
her to give me excuses like this. (We don't use time outs.)

Then, she changed the topic and would not talk about it anymore. I
have no idea how to handle this.

Do I assume the message not to hit her parents will get through
despite her appearing not to listen to us?

What can I do to teach her that pushing and hitting is not a kind way to treat people?

Thank you for reading this far.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It sounds like you did the right thing. It is hard to be stern about something when you have a child that is very reactive to you and wants you to be happy but on the other hand this is exactly the kind of thing you do want to be stern about because children tend to repeat behaviors that give them something they feel is a reward. I found that telling my daughter that she may not hurt my body and a few times very bluntly not to hit was all that it took. We also talked later about why we wouldn't want to be hurt and about hurting people being morally wrong.

I wouldn't try to push the apology thing at this stage, or any other really. If she seems sorry then she is and if she doesn't seem sorry forcing an apology isn't likely to make her feel sincerely sorry. There comes a stage when you can no longer force unless you are punitive and I don't think that teaches a good message. Besides that she is still very young and she may very quickly forget that the incident happened and then she may tell you a year from now that she is sorry she pushed you because events tend to flow in and out of memory for young children.


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## mowilli3 (Jan 7, 2007)

I agree with pp. Sounds to me that she's working it out. You can be firm without dragging it out. Just tell her what you expect and let her know that you are willing to accept an apology. I think she showed a lot of maturity trying to explain why she pushed you. You can say,"If you want a sunny side up egg, you can ask me and I'll make it for you. You don't have to push me to get my attention. OK?"


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## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mowilli3* 
I think she showed a lot of maturity trying to explain why she pushed you. You can say,"If you want a sunny side up egg, you can ask me and I'll make it for you. You don't have to push me to get my attention. OK?"

Does that work even if she did not really want a sunny side up egg? What she really wanted was to be with her dad. She just did not want me around at that moment.

Maybe the point is that she's trying to explain even if it might be be accurate.

One_Girl Thank you. I was wondering about memory in children. It does work like that--the flowing in and out.

If anyone else has ideas, please feel welcome to respond! I am so glad I asked here!


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## quelindo (May 11, 2005)

Honestly? I would have left it at "Please don't push me."

Maybe it's because O. seems so much older with her advanced language skills, but really, our LO's are still babies, with a lack of impulse control and a short-term memory. I can't imagine trying to get Henry to apologize (and I'm not a fan of the forced apology anyway).

She'll learn proper behavior by repeated example and gentle verbal corrections, IMHO.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *henhao* 
I got down to O's level and she came over to me. I told her I loved her, and it made me really sad when she pushed me on the face.
What can I do to teach her that pushing and hitting is not a kind way to treat people?

Thank you for reading this far.










Remember, that to DD, your loving her has nothing to do with the situation and *may* feel manipulative to her. We need to be careful about giving a child the message that she has the power to control our emotions, as this can be very scary to her. Instead, I would simply state the fact: "Pushing Mama's face hurts, please use your words." A child believing that she has that power might a. wield it and, often, b. escalate the behavior in an attempt to get you to take charge (of your emotional state), not in a punitive way, but energetically. Children instintively know they don't really have this power, but can "learn" that they do, if that's the message they get. Have you ever watched Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer? He talks again and again about the importance of projecting calm, assertive energy. Not that our kiddos are dogs, OF COURSE, but like our dear doggies, they have limited means of communication and of processing information. When they can _feel_ us being in charge, often they have less need to challenge the boundaries. Not that they will stop challenging, nor should they, IMO, but the challenges generally lessen and more importantly are less of the power-struggle kind.
The most effective way to teach not hitting/hurting is by not hitting and hurting. Of course, this takes time, as LOs don't yet have impulse control. 3 is little, yet. And yes, we give them information, but carefully, for reasons stated above.
I wouldn't _expect_ an apology from a 3 yo. They are still very ego centric and still have difficulty seeing others' viewpoints. It's a bit like the obedience = respect mistake. There's nothing respectful about obeying, because obedience by its very nature implies a lack of choice on the part of the child. And if they are not freely choosing to apologize, it is not only meaningless, but probably creates anger and frustration for the LO.
This too shall pass, and then they'll find something else to drive you nuts








HTHs


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## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laoxinat* 








Remember, that to DD, your loving her has nothing to do with the situation and *may* feel manipulative to her. We need to be careful about giving a child the message that she has the power to control our emotions, as this can be very scary to her. Instead, I would simply state the fact: "Pushing Mama's face hurts, please use your words."

That is really interesting. I thought telling her how it made me feel would teach her that her actions have an effect on others. I'll take what you said and think that over.









Gosh, I'd never thought about me saying I love her might seem manipulative to her. I wanted her to know that I love her no matter what. I have a lot to think about!

*New Mama:* I agree. I am also not a fan of the forced anything. I ask for an apology, don't really expect it, and basically just want her to get the idea that it's nice to give one -- like saying please or thank you.

New mama's post is making me think I need patience and not to expect I can nip this in the bud. It could take a long time before she "gets it".

I appreciate all of your help!


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

henhao, I have a 2.5-year-old hitter (who used to also be a biter!) - and mostly what has worked is just to ride it out. I might say "please don't hit" or "hitting your sister hurts her", but I don't expect much from Z in return. She is actually starting to show incredible compassion -- but it is seemingly random and totally on her terms. Still, I'll take it when I can get it.


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## wsgrl84 (Jan 12, 2006)

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I think sons and daughters are a little different in the discipline part but I think you are doing a good job! Don't feel too bad that you didn't get an apology right away. They all have their reasons so just ask her since she's talking a lot more than my C. I guess try putting yourself in her shoes. If my son did that, I would say "HEY! be nice to mommy, say sorry please, give me a hug and kiss."







He has pushed other kids and I just tell him "we are leaving the playground because you hurt that boy" or "if you do it again, we are leaving."

I don't know if that helps or not but that's my 2 cents.

-Nonnn


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## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

*Nancy 926* -- Nice to "see" you around the boards! We used to be in a group together somewhere along the way. Thank you for sharing your experience.

*Nonny* --







Thanks for your viewpoint.

Again, you wonderful mamas have given me much to think about!


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *New Mama* 
Honestly? I would have left it at "Please don't push me."

Maybe it's because O. seems so much older with her advanced language skills, but really, our LO's are still babies, with a lack of impulse control and a short-term memory. I can't imagine trying to get Henry to apologize (and I'm not a fan of the forced apology anyway).

She'll learn proper behavior by repeated example and gentle verbal corrections, IMHO.

ITA! The one thing that has really helped me with PD is to think about what words I'd like my boys to use with others. So, if someone were to hit them I'd like them to say "Please don't hit me, that hurts." So, that's what I say to them. Modeling appropriate behavior and dialogue is really important at this age. They will soon start to parrot your words. So, give them words that will work for them too.

I don't force apologies, but instead might ask my older son how he thinks something made me feel and he will usually apologize on his own.

I don't ever say "We don't hit" b/c it's not true- he did just hit, kwim?


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