# When a stranger's child hits yours.....



## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

Just curious as to how some of you wise mamas would have handled this scenario.......
We were in a Dr's office waiting room waiting for my mom. It is an OB/GYN office, so there were lots of toddlers there. My dd and 2 other children were playing nicely together, when a *very* non-AP family showed up- mom, 2y.o. boy in a stroller, 3 y.o. girl and Grandma. The 3 y.o. girl joined in to play with my dd and the other kids, while the 2 y.o. boy was made to sit and remain in the stroller and could not play with the other kids. At least 3 times within a 10-min. time span the boy was slapped on the hands by the mom AND the Grandma







because he kept shouting that he wanted to get out. This little boy was obviously very frustrated and angry- I really felt for him. Well, my dd walked by him to get a toy, and this boy reached out and slapped her hard. My dd has NEVER EVER been hit before, by family or another child, and she was completely shocked (she's 2.5). She just looked at me with big eyes and in a soft voice said, "Mom, Mommy?" I asked her if she was ok, and told her, "That boy seems very unhappy today, but he had no right to hit you." In the meantime, the Grandma was holding the boy by the wrists and shaking him, yelling "No hitting! No hitting! Bad boy!" and apologizing to us (mom was in the Dr's office at this point). I just wanted to look at her and say "Can't you see what you're doing to him? Maybe if you weren't hitting him in your own frustration, he wouldn't be hitting you out of his." And why in the world was he being forced to sit and watch his sister and the other kids play and told he couldn't? Ok, so I don't know all of the circumstances- but I was so angry at the mother and grandmother, and so sad for my dd (the little boy, too). I wish I had said/done something more. Later on, I had a little talk with my dd, reiterating that the boy had NO RIGHT to hit/hurt her in any way, and talking about what she should say when someone hits her. I told her to say "Don't hit me!!" and "You have no right to hit me!" But the whole incident has just left me feeling terrible. I feel like I should have done more on my dd's behalf.


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## Carmel (Jan 31, 2003)

Often times when something happens to dd along those lines and when I don't like the resopnse the other adult is giving I will pipe up and explain things how I would if I was correcting dd behavior.

I feel like I have a responsibility to show dd appropriate ways to respond. I might have gotten down to the boys level and said in a clear (but not yelling voice) "It is not okay to hit". I like to leave these things short and to the point- too much explaing goes over their heads in the moment.

Often dd and I will spend time talking about the adults response as well as whatever the child did.

And about saying something to the grandmother... I am always wishing I knew what to say. Sometimes I have tried but I don't feel like I've ever gotten through to anyone.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

On the topic of the little boy confined to the stroller, I wonder if it might have worked to say something like, "Oh, it looks like your little boy wants to play, too! My daughter just loves making new playmates, would it be all right if he came over and joined them?" I mean, they can always refuse, but at least you would have extended the effort.

I agree that "It is not OK to hit" is probably the right thing to say. I'm not sure what else I would have said to my daughter in that situation either.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

Carmel and JanB, thanks for the great replies! Carmel, I love your suggestion of getting down to the boy's level and saying, "It's not ok to hit." It would have made my feelings clear without being too intrusive, IMO. I will save that for future reference








And JanB, you're right- I wish I had "invited" the little boy early on to play with my dd. I think *maybe* the hitting incident could have been avoided that way. I still am unsure why he was being forced to sit there, unless it was some form of punishment for an earlier transgression, who knows? I don't know their situation, so I won't pass judgement there, but maybe an invitation to play would have made the environment a more positive one. My dd still keeps talking about the little boy, 3 days later. She says, "What did Jacob do, Mama?" (That was his name) I reply, "Your friend Jakob?" And she'll say, "No, mama!! The other Jacob. He hit me. That was not good." It really makes me sad to hear her talk about it, but I think it's her way of working it all out in her mind, ykwim?


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## Leonor (Dec 25, 2001)

The first time my child was hit was with a stone.

There were these twin toddlers coming with their mother and their grandfather. The grandfather was bossing the mother to hit them for every little thing. If they left the path, if they tried to pick trash from the floor, if they didn't play with the ball.

My child was playing some meters away from me. I see one of the toddlers coming to my child and then very quickly throw a stone at his head!

I told the mother at the time "If you hit your children all the time they learn how to hit other children". Their mum said "No, I don't hit them all the time, it was just now, but they are really bad"

I felt frustrated because she was focusing more on the "all the time" than on my message.

My child took a long time not freaking out in others children's presense.









Anyway I wish this was the worse even of my child's life. It wasn't


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## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

When a stranger's child hurts mine I support my child. I don't focus a lot on what the other child/parent did/ didn't do. I figure kids hurt each other/take toys away/ etc--it's not "right" but it's developmentally appropriate--so it's a natural and expected part of my child's world. I focus on my child's feelings ("You're really upset that that happened! You didn't expect that! You're angry that he hit you, aren't you?" whatever seems to be my dc's reaction). And also what their own options are, if any. I don't want my children to just feel like a victim of someone else's wrongdoing that should never have happened, DYKWIM? I want them to feel like it's not right to hit or to take toys away, but it does happen, and they can have feelings about it and also choose a response (walk away, say "no," try to work it out, etc etc). I want to convey that they can handle their feelings, they can respond in whatever nonviolent way that feels best to them. They can get through the adversity and move on. Just my 2cents.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I think you responded well.

I tend to add, "That hurt, didn't it? That's why we don't hit--it hurts!" Sam went through a big hitting stage not too long ago, so I try to reinforce the lessons we were working on.

Not much you can say to grownups there. I think it would have probably escalated and you would end up feeling worse than you do now.

Sorry that happened to you all!


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## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

I think you handled it fine. I probably would have done something like hug my dd and said something along the lines of, "Yowch, that hurts, doesn't it? You're okay though, and I bet he's just frustrated right now. I'm really glad you didn't hit back." Because I believe that we can inadvertently do as much damage by getting in stranger kids' faces or making an "example" of them, as their parents do by hitting them. I watched my SIL get in my ds' face once when he and his cousin were getting too riled up once, and he was sooo humiliated. Even gd/ap kids hit. It is developmental. That doesn't mean all kids will hit, and obviously this particular boy had a special circumstance, but it's surprising the first time your child acts aggressively toward others (at least it was--and still is--for me), and the older my kids get, the more I realize that we can't control all variables.









Leah


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## beaner&tiegs (Aug 3, 2003)

I definitely focus on my child, both sympathising and enforcing that it is not okay to hit ("I know that hurt you, that is why we don't hit") - but not in a loud way to shame the other kid or family if you know what i mean? and then if it's a scenario where we have to/want to stick around, I would quietly discuss ways to empower herself, like by giving him lots of space. I suspect the boy was frustrated, and also looking for attention, so I doubt that giving him disapproving attention would help. If the child was older, I would be more tempted to interact with him/her (I've been in playgrounds where the parents don't see what is going on, and I have no problem saying that it is not okay to hit then- or if I can see it coming putting my hand up to stop my child from getting hit if need be), and if it's a child that we get together with lots and I have a relationship with him/her, I will get down on the floor and talk it through more. With strangers it's a harder call, I think it's just best to deal with your own child. Unfortunately she will deal with stuff like this a lot in her life, so best to figure out tools to deal with it as (unfortunately) we can't prevent it all from happening.


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