# i do not want to be her mom any more



## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

warning vent:

i just do not know where i went wrong....

i read the books and try the strategies, we go to family therapy, i take her the natural doctors and try expensive tactics with her food and supplements.

all she does is argue and yell

unless she is on the computer.

she is 4.5 and i feel ready to give up.

i find myself thinking, feeling, and saying things i thought i would never say/do about my child.

i almost can't stand her.

she is brilliant (reading on a 12 yr old level for instance)

we can not afford private school and i do not see public school as the answer for her socially or academically.

she has always been high needs, before we had ds i was able to provide her with a lot of activity, stimulation, care, physical love, etc

that is now not alway possible and she is just a nasty hateful person to be around too too often

i know i feed it by reacting (even in subtle internal ways) but she is stretching my human capabilities.

today i wish i could quit.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

BTDT, with my now 7 yr old who has ADHD/ODD. I feel your pain







. Can't say that it gets better, just easier to deal with.

Whenever I felt/feel really overwhelmed I ask my DH for a day for myself. We put DD in school for pre-k and decided to keep her home the next year. I couldn't wait for the next year so she could go to school







. ITA on the public school issue, my DC attend private school(although Private has it's issues too







)

Hope you get some relief soon


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

You're so brave to say so out loud. I have days, weeks and months like this. I always think to myself how much I love them, and that on my worst days I'm still doing my best and that is all I can do. And PP was right breaks help so much!! It really helps to get away and get some perspective.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Mama, you sound like you need a break.

I don't pretend to know what your finances are like, but if you are SAH it might be worth it for your sanity and relationship to hire a sitter/nanny one day a week to give you time to decompress.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I have felt the same way. Last week, in fact, I had a day like this. Had to share those feelings with people who understood, and that helped an awful lot.

Taking breaks is important. Having a good support system is important-people who can help, people who will listen supportively. Finding the right psychologist/therapist/other professional is really important (if you have determined your family needs that), sometimes it takes time to find the right fit or to pin down what needs to be addressed and how.

Sometimes it's just hard. Lots of moms feel the same way, overwhelmed and wanting to quit sometimes. It isn't wrong to feel that way. It just is.

And, you probably haven't "gone wrong." Both of our psyhologists told us "you didn't cause this, but you can be a major part of making it better." It's very likely the same for you. This is how she's wired. You haven't made her this way, or failed, and she isn't this way because you've done something wrong.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

agreed about the break. also could you talk to a therapist? possible a touch of ppd?


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## springmama (Aug 30, 2006)

I know exactly how you feel.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

A lot of time gifted kids are really difficult. Have you looked into gifted resources? Have you been over to the gifted forum? I'm sure you will find you are not alone.

My son is gifted too and the INTENSITY is outrageous and sometimes there is nothing to do but hide away for a little bit, cry and have a minute to feel angry about all of it- the extra demands, the social minefield, the emotional challenges, the frustration over appropriate schooling (been there... many times!). There are other traits (and solutions) that might be branching from being gifted (and maybe some ideas about schooling). Come visit!

Giftedness IS a gift, but it sure is hard sometimes and unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand just HOW hard it can be.

HUGS


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) mama. i have had similar feellings/issues with my oldest.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Things that come to mind that have helped me: remembering 4 is very very very little. Focusing on not arguing with her. It takes 2 to argue. I started trying to find ways to agree with her as much as I possibly could.

It made a tremendous difference.

What books have you read?


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

hugs mama, 4 was a really tough year for my little guy too. 5 was better, but still a lot of rough spots, but watching him come through a lot of his issues in his sixth year has been amazing -- almost worth all the trauma, just to see the sweet emergence of an amazingly smart, insightful, sweet, sensitive, imaginative, energetic, *spirited*







kid, who is now able to deal with life's difficulties so much better than in the past. Adjusting to a new baby is really hard too... my eldest was a pretty easy kid and I still had hard feelings toward her from time to time when my youngest came along -- I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had a new baby when my youngest was 4 -- he was such a handful, and really emotionally draining.

What helped in our case was to really and truly convince him that we were on his side and he could trust us. We thought we were doing everything right, but when it came down to it, we really hadn't convinced him that we liked him and would help support him when life got too tough. Once he understood that (and matured a little) it was so much easier for him to let us help him. He is still "who he is" but so, so, so much easier now that he's older... hang in there!

you mentioned computer time -- I think kids who are difficult are often drawn to tv/computer/videogames because it's a place where they aren't going to cause any drama. my son has actually told me "if you want me to shut up, why don't you just let me go play on the computer!" that was when I really started to believe it was sort of a safe haven for him. I kind of let go of feeling angst about the computer, limited it a little less while trying to engage him in other activities a little more (but letting him go on the computer if he really wanted to), in essence removing the forbidden fruit thing about the computer, and he pulls himself away from it on his own a lot more now that he knows it isn't such a limited thing.

It's hard because I can see that when he is on the computer too much it is hard on his mood, but when he feels like *I* control his computer time, it's all he wants to do, and it really creates an obsession with him. So we've sort of made it now to a point where he has as much computer time as he wants (we did go through a phase of total overindulgence to get to this place of a more healthy interest in computer rather than an obsession) yet he can allow himself to go do other things throughout the day when he feels like it. it helps that the weather is better now and they can play outside...

that was a really roundabout way of saying "I feel you mama!! I've been there!!" with a little unschooling philosophy thrown in because it worked for us...


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## cam&kat's_mom (Jan 12, 2006)

HUGS mama. I have a twin to your dd. right down to the reading level, and computer time. AND i mirror your feelings. I know that doesn't help, but you are not alone. I have yet to find anything that helps, even the break away, as DH is so wonderful about making sure i get. It only leaves me wanting to leave more. Hang in there. And remember, you didn't necessarily go wrong, some kids are just wired that way


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Guide-...29/ref=ed_oe_p

This is a very helpful book. I hope you can read it.

If you can post more specifics about situations and we might be able to brainstorm some ideas.

The one thing I'm wondering about is how much challenge and structure she has in her life. If the one time she's happy is when she's on the computer, I'm wondering if it is the one time she's getting adequate intellectual stimulation.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't know how the summer play situation is in your area, but in our area there are many really fun preschools that offer field trips several times a week and offer part time care. This might be a nice option for getting her out to explore while you have a break. We did a program like this last summer and my dd loved going all kinds of new places that we would not have gone to normally.


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## SeekingJoy (Apr 30, 2007)

Are you writing about my kid?

At 2, he can use a screwdriver. Well. And he can open child proof containers. Poison control said to put things in a lock box, but he can open them all. He takes apart all our electronics, pushes every button he can find, turns every knob, pulls every lever. Nothing is safe.

He hits, can climb anything, threw a grapefruit-sized rock at his sister (yes, it hit her), put my clean laundry in his cesspool of a kiddie pool (I clean it, he pees in it and fills it with playdough), and generally drives me nuts.

One-on-one he is incredibly engaging. Without constant supervision, he makes me cry.

Spending time on the computer is the only thing that chills him out sometimes. He learned to mouse a few months ago, and DH set him up on our old laptop so that it is limited to Starfall and PBSkids.org. Oh, OP, I can relate.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

quote:
What helped in our case was to really and truly convince him that we were on his side and he could trust us. We thought we were doing everything right, but when it came down to it, we really hadn't convinced him that we liked him and would help support him when life got too tough.

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i try so hard to tell her that god gave her to us to be our dd and that she can trust us to take care of her....

but the liking her and help support her when life gets tough i KNOW i have failed her there.

i want to jump ship too often (i think it too often) not even a specific wish just an I want to quit feeling......

to the poster who wondered if computer time was the only time she got adequate intellectual stimulation: yes it is a challenge to provide enough of that.....she is so physical and creative...my dh is not helping in that he is so disturbed by my lack of house cleaning skills (he has no idea!)

but (since we are on a pretty tight budget) i find as many quality cheap or free things to do with her, and i have personally founded groups and classes just to meet her many gifted level needs:
monday home school co-op
tuesday classical dance class and nature walk with a friend
wed home time (we have a giant trampoline and safety net, a dynamic homeschool classroom with centers galore, instruments, art supplies etc)
thursday community meal and music and movement class
friday literacy program at local library followed by playtime at a park with friends
sat family time/errands/chores
sunday is church with sunday school and play time at the park

i have her enrolled in 3 separate summer day camps (one per month this summer)
plus i do occasional child trades with a spanish speaking family and we have a latina neighbor middle schooler who comes to play with her for about an hour every day (both for spanish immersion purposes)

i feel so overwhelmed with my inability to remain calm and patient even in the midst of a crazy hysterical meltdown

god gave her to me to teach me patience and commitment and unconditional gentle respect.....

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how i am failing.

i feel resentful that she needs so much


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

What does the therapist say? Is the therapist being helpful? sometimes it takes a few tries to get someone who works well with your family dynamics/ideals.

Your last post listed a lot of things that you're doing with your daughter, when do YOU get a break? What recharges YOUR batteries?

I also wonder about postpartum depression. You've got a little one who's less than a year, several miscarriages, and a stillborn baby. That's a huge amount for you to deal with, and puts you at pretty high risk for depression. You might try this screening:
http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp

You do need to take care of yourself, or you won't have the energy to deal with your very high needs daughter. Your resentment suggests to me that you aren't currently doing enough to care for yourself. The metaphor I like best is that of an airplane oxygen mask. You need to put yours on first before you can help anyone else. If you don't, you may keel over from lack of oxygen before you help anyone. How's your oxygen level?

I find, that for my temperament and my mental health, I sometimes need to set very very clear boundaries for my kids. I also can't be on the Consentual Living end of GD, I lean more toward Positive Discipline and The Secret of Parenting. There are lots of ways of being gentle and respectful. The more stressed I am, the clearer I need to be about what I need, and what I am willing to do.

Finally, a couple of other book suggestions:
The Explosive Child
The Challenging Child - one of my favorite approaches to connecting with a child and working toward problem solving with them. Your dd might be a little young for some of the ideas, but they're worth a look.

And as someone else noted, if you can post a specific thing that's really difficult right now, people might be able to brainstorm some ideas with you.


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## uumomma (Jun 10, 2007)

i am so proud of you that you are reaching out. i have nothing to add to the pp. but a big hug


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## nick&jonmom (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiffani* 
hugs mama, 4 was a really tough year for my little guy too. 5 was better, but still a lot of rough spots, but watching him come through a lot of his issues in his sixth year has been amazing -- almost worth all the trauma, just to see the sweet emergence of an amazingly smart, insightful, sweet, sensitive, imaginative, energetic, *spirited*







kid, who is now able to deal with life's difficulties so much better than in the past. Adjusting to a new baby is really hard too... my eldest was a pretty easy kid and I still had hard feelings toward her from time to time when my youngest came along -- I can't imagine what it would have been like to have had a new baby when my youngest was 4 -- he was such a handful, and really emotionally draining.

What helped in our case was to really and truly convince him that we were on his side and he could trust us. We thought we were doing everything right, but when it came down to it, we really hadn't convinced him that we liked him and would help support him when life got too tough. Once he understood that (and matured a little) it was so much easier for him to let us help him. He is still "who he is" but so, so, so much easier now that he's older... hang in there!

you mentioned computer time -- I think kids who are difficult are often drawn to tv/computer/videogames because it's a place where they aren't going to cause any drama. my son has actually told me "if you want me to shut up, why don't you just let me go play on the computer!" that was when I really started to believe it was sort of a safe haven for him. I kind of let go of feeling angst about the computer, limited it a little less while trying to engage him in other activities a little more (but letting him go on the computer if he really wanted to), in essence removing the forbidden fruit thing about the computer, and he pulls himself away from it on his own a lot more now that he knows it isn't such a limited thing.

It's hard because I can see that when he is on the computer too much it is hard on his mood, but when he feels like *I* control his computer time, it's all he wants to do, and it really creates an obsession with him. So we've sort of made it now to a point where he has as much computer time as he wants (we did go through a phase of total overindulgence to get to this place of a more healthy interest in computer rather than an obsession) yet he can allow himself to go do other things throughout the day when he feels like it. it helps that the weather is better now and they can play outside...

that was a really roundabout way of saying "I feel you mama!! I've been there!!" with a little unschooling philosophy thrown in because it worked for us...











Wow! You could be talking about my 7 yo ds. His mood is definately affected by computer time (ie-a bad mood for a while after he gets off and has to readjust to reality I guess), but it is his safe haven as well where he isn't "getting in trouble" for something. It is so hard to find a balance but I too notice that when I don't make a big deal about it he gets off on his own and is in a much better mood than when I force him off.

To moma justice: I know all too well how you are feeling. I've had many many converstion with my best mama friend about the exact thing. I don't have a solution to give, I still struggle with it almost daily (as does dh) and I worry about how I parent him on a constant basis. I plan to HS him because public school was not a good fit for us (lots of issues inc. severe food allergies as well as gifted and not being challenged). I am concerned that our relationship is not conducive to successfol HS but I don't know what else to do. Private is too expensive and proabbly would have same issues as public anyway. I've heard of people having an older HS child, maybe preteen, come over to be a helper on occasion with HS as well as help with the little ones. I know I do much better with ds when others are with us, it seems to break the pattern that we have. Don't know if this would work for you but it's a thought.

Good luck and know that you are not alone. We were chosen as these children's parents for a reason even if it's hard to see at times.


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## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

Hugs. You're not alone.

I think what the other moms said is great - especially about taking breaks.

I felt so fried a few weeks ago. Then I stopped trying to do everything - laundry, bills, everything - and I just did the things I love to do with my kids. It helped A LOT.

This may not be as much about your dd as you think. Maybe its more about you and your relationship with yourself. Maybe. I've learned since my dd was born that I have serious anger issues I never knew about. I never saw healthy anger and don't know how to do it. Its a life long process for me. So maybe something similar is coming up for you.

If I can say - you sound angry. You sound angry and tired. (The story of my life the past few months). So - maybe its not about dd but about you taking care (or like me - learning to take care) of yourself.

Also - what do you enjoy doing with her? I love going for walks with my kids. I have a great double stroller and we walk a mile to the post office, a bit further to the park. We play there for a few hours, have lunch, the walk back. We all come back all played out and feeling connected.

Maybe your dd is doing too much reading beyond her development. Even if she is capable of reading much older material - maybe its too much for her to take in.

Maybe she's doing too much computer. That's also a lot to take in even if she 'can' do it. Maybe she's in her head too much and needs to be physical more. I'm a big believer in kids walking. Our bodies are made to do it and we all sit too much. I see a huge difference in our family when we're all able to get out and walk.

Keep us updated. We care about you. Hugs!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)




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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

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