# My Dad spanked DS



## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

It happened so quick I didn't know what to do or say! It just broke ds into pieces to have his Papa hit him. How do I approach him about this? He's my Dad he spanked me, but I was right there why didn't he refer to me for disciplinary action?


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## Deja (Feb 22, 2005)

What did you say to him? If that happened to my child I'd be outraged.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Lay down the law. This is your child. He may not hit your child. Period.

My dad spanked me, and believes that I should spank dd. I love him, and appreciate the relationship he has with dd. But this would be a deal breaker for me. No one hits my child. I won't allow it. Anyone who is going to hit my child (future) will not be spending time with my child.


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## canadiangranola (Oct 1, 2004)

I would be absolutely furious if my parents or my inlaws (or anyone else for that matter) laid a hand on my child like that. First, I am the parent, and if I am there, then the discipline is MY responsibility, no one else's (except DH of course). Secondly, they all know my stance (our stance) on spanking, and to spank my child would be in direct opposition to what I have told each of them we want. Both DH and I were spanked as kids, not excessively, and not brutally, and we don't judge our parents for their actions and decisions, but when it comes down to it, DS is our child. Period. Even if we did believe in spanking, and we DON"T, no one else has the right to lay a hand on him.

If it were me, I would probably take my child and walk away from the situation, and come nback and deal with it later with the hitter, when I had calmed down. Or, I would scream and yell and be furious, and refuse to let that person care for my child for a long time. Depends on the day and how rational I am feeling.

Good luck, sounds like a tough situation.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Maybe it's better you didn't say anything at that moment. I can just imagine how bad that must have made you feel.
When you get a chance, in a calm manner, approach your Dad or call him on the phone and say, "I know you love my son, and he loves you very much too. But I have to insist that in the future, you do not spank my children."
If he puts up an argument or defends his actions, just keep repeating "You cannot spank my children."
If he actually refuses to listen to you and says he will continue to spank them, you may have to make the choice that he cannot be left alone with them in the future. Most likely he will come around and agree to not spank.
(note: don't bother getting in a lengthy conversation re: spanking vs not spanking. Just keep repeating the simple fact that they are your children, and he is not to spank them.)


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## peaceful herbivore (Mar 17, 2005)

Quote:

But this would be a deal breaker for me. No one hits my child. I won't allow it. Anyone who is going to hit my child (future) will not be spending time with my child.
I couldn't have said it any better....everyone in my life already knows this, so there will be no suprises, should it ever happen.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coopnwhitsmommy*
It happened so quick I didn't know what to do or say! It just broke ds into pieces to have his Papa hit him. How do I approach him about this? He's my Dad he spanked me, but I was right there why didn't he refer to me for disciplinary action?

He didn't refer to you for disciplinary action probably for the same reason he hit you when you were a child. He doesn't respect you. And now he doesn't respect your ds.

Don't give him another chance to hurt your son again.


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

Well, he definately crossed the line. I would be furious. I told my own father about 2-3 weeks ago that he is NEVER to hit ds in any way. (This after he informed me that if ds was going to touch an electrical outlet, he would slap his hand.) I made it very clear that nobody is ever to lay a finger on my child. Does your father know your views on this? If so, and he hit your dc anyway, I wouldn't go back.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I have had nightmares about my FIL trying this. In my opinion, no one who hits my kids gets to see them. Ever. My #1 priority is protecting them. In this case grandpa would get a strongly worded message (either in person, on the phone or in writing) and we wouldn't see him for a LONG time. If (and ONLY if) he would admit that he was out of line and it would NEVER happen again (notice, not just that it wouldn't happen again, but that he was WRONG to hit AND it will never happen again) I would let him see my child again. Supervised. Closely. Only if my child wanted it. Grandpa would also have to apologize to me and to my child. Including admitting to my child that hitting is wrong and he should not have done it. If grandpa wouldn't go along with this, then he wouldn't be seeing any of us.

It sounds harsh in writing, but NO ONE will hit my child.

-Angela


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

That is unacceptable. I think you need to sit down with him and clearly state to him what your expectations are, how he can and cannot discipline your little guy.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
Lay down the law. This is your child. He may not hit your child. Period.

My dad spanked me, and believes that I should spank dd. I love him, and appreciate the relationship he has with dd. But this would be a deal breaker for me. No one hits my child. I won't allow it. Anyone who is going to hit my child (future) will not be spending time with my child.

Yep. That's about what I would do.







You just don't hit other people's (or your own) kids. Period. End of story. And to do it right there in front of you without first consulting you is beyond disrespectful.


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## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:

In my opinion, no one who hits my kids gets to see them. Ever.(snip)...Grandpa would also have to apologize to me and to my child. Including admitting to my child that hitting is wrong and he should not have done it. If grandpa wouldn't go along with this, then he wouldn't be seeing any of us.
ITA 1000%

DH and I are both martial artists. We would treat any attack at DS as a threat to him and do as we train to do in an attack situation - defend against it. Without hesitation and without remorse. I might even call the police and report child abuse. It's illegal.

If anyone harmed my child I'd immobilize them (forcefully) without questioning their intentions, motives or reasons.

BTW, you poor thing! I'm so sorry you and DC are having to deal with this...


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## beth568 (Jul 1, 2004)

Does your dad know how you feel about spanking? If it's been made clear to him, and he hit anyway, I agree - calm down, then call him and tell him it's not acceptable, it's not to happen again, and it's not up for discussion. Depending on your relationship with your father, the conversation may go something like, "I love you, Dad, and I'm not questioning what you did with me, but DH and I have decided that no one will hit our child, ever." And I wouldn't be too comfortable with unsupervised visits for a while. Or, if you're not that close to your father, then you may have to get harsh.

If my mom did that, I'd be upset but I'd be able to talk it out with her. If my MIL did it, it would be a LONG time before she saw my child again.

I'm so sorry. What a betrayal. Your poor DS must be so sad.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

I realize spanking is spanking and is horrible in any sense...but what did your ds do that your father thought he should be spanked? Did he swat him once or did he all out spank him? How old is your ds? Does your father know your position on spanking?







I would be sooooo over the line upset about this.

Quote:

Grandpa would also have to apologize to me and to my child. Including admitting to my child that hitting is wrong and he should not have done it.








Definetly. I would also sit down with my ds and explain to him that what grandpa did was wrong and that no matter what he(ds) has done, noone has the right to hit him...that you love grandpa even though he made a mistake but are upset about he has done.


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## peaceful herbivore (Mar 17, 2005)

See, it is those blurry lines that bother me. Spank, swat, hit, slap on hand etc...to me, it is all the same---to other people I realize it is different. That is why I am careful when speaking to other people in my wording--I inform them that no one will TOUCH, touch, in any way other than in love, my child, and no, hitting, swatting, etc is not love...

...because some people will honestly say "I didn't hit them, I swatted them!" and seriously in their minds think that they were honoring your wishes!! Believe it or not....so you have to be painfully clear sometimes. You shouldn't have to I know, but sometimes it is neccessary.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peaceful herbivore*
See, it is those blurry lines that bother me. Spank, swat, hit, slap on hand etc...to me, it is all the same---to other people I realize it is different.









That is why I am asking so specifically.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peaceful herbivore*
Believe it or not....so you have to be painfully clear sometimes. You shouldn't have to I know, but sometimes it is neccessary.









It is really a shame that some parents think that they have rights to decide on disciplining their childrens children. I was spanked as a child as well, but my mother would never even think of spanking my little one without my consent. (...which she would never get.







) I definetly think it is a respect issue and in this case, a lack there of.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

wow. just. wow. i'm sorry for your little one and for you that your father crossed such a barrier. i would be absolutely livid beyond words. i agree with a pp who said "deal breaker".


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## WriterMama (Mar 27, 2002)

You know, this thread reminded me of a time I was staying at my grandma's overnight. She had warned me that her dog liked to bolt when you opened the front door and for me not to let the dog out. We didn't have an inside dog at our house, so I didn't really understand the meaning behind what she was saying. I was probably 5.

Well, someone came to the door and I was excited to answer it (don't remember why--it might have been neighbor kids across the street), and in my excitement, I let her dog out. To my complete shock, my grandma got very angry and slapped my arm.

Now, this woman had been sooo sweet to me and I adored her. The fact that she hit me really, really hurt my feelings and made me feel like crap. I ran to my room and hid by the bed. I don't remember a single other thing about that incident, whether or not she apologized, or what she said/did the next time she saw me. It's really sad because that one interaction really hurt my relationship with her. And when you consider how infrequently I got to spend time with my grandma, it's a shame that our few memories had to be marred by that incident.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten over it. I am able to look at the situation intellectually and compassionately, but I really think that if a grandparent or parent knew how their aggressive actions could leave unhappy memories in the heart of their child/grandchild, they would think twice.


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## lorelei (Dec 31, 2004)

You are totally right. No one should hit your child.

I had discipline issues with my family, Dad, Moms, Ssi and Bro- everyone wanted to tell my dd what to do!
If she was into something, they would interrupt me speaking to her and yell" No, don't do that!" or "get out of there!"
I was right there, handling the situation, and they would all butt in and try to override me.

It was so infuriating! I finally had a sit down with all of them and explained that it would not be happening again.

When they step in, they are disrespecting me, which my ds sees. If no one else respects me, why should she?

I know they thought they were helping, but it's counterproductive for me to be disciplining my child and be interruped by a (wellmeaning) family member.

I hadn't realized how dysfunctional my family is until this whole episode. And it's really typical of my upbringing- no one respects my wishes or lets me handle things my way. They all want to control the situation.

So.. now we only see my Mom because she's been able to respect me and my wishes for dd.

It's hard, but you need to stand up for yourself and DS and let your father know that he is NOT allowed to touch your child in any less than a loving manner. You and dc both deserve an appology for the disrespect, and hurt your father did you.

The sooner you law down the law, the better.
Good luck!
Molly


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

How do you approach your dad about this?

Okay. If he does email, that's the best, because you can stay the calmest. The second best is on the phone, and the third best is in person, follow up conversation in person. I wrote a draft of an email:

Quote:

Dear Dad,

I want to talk with you about what happened between you and ds the other day. I saw you swat him on the tush, and it really upset me. First, because I am ds's mother, and I need to be the one to discipline him when he misbehaves. It is my job, not your job. Your job is to be the grandfather. I really value your relationship with ds, I think it's important to him, and hitting will mess it up.

Second, because as you know I don't believe in hitting children, at all, ever. I think it's both counter-productive to inculcating good self-discipline, and abusive. If you cannot agree that you will never hit ds again, I will not be able to bring him to visit you. That would be very hard for me, as I really want you to have a strong relationship with him. Nevertheless, protecting him from being hit is even more important to me.

I love you Dad. I hope we can work this out. Let's talk about it the next time I see you, okay?

Love, Becca


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I have to say this.

For someone who was hit by her own father and then had her own child hit by her father (I'm talking about the OP), I think it is amazing how respectful and gentle these suggestions have been.

I think your father has boundary issues - I think anyone who hits children (or any living creature for that matter) has boundary issues. I would lay down the boundaries extremely clearly, extremely concisely, and extremely firmly. I (personally) wouldn't pepper my discussion with "I love yous" and "this is how I do things" - I would cut to the chase and let him know how disgusted you are with his behavior toward YOU and toward your son. Maybe I should give advice that is more GD-ish but I am hurting for the OP and feeling angry on behalf of her and her little boy. The fact that you didn't even have a reaction when your father hit your child tells me that there are some deep seated feelings of fear that you have - if a stranger had hit your son I'm sure you would have had a very strong reaction.

I am so sorry for what you are going through - it's bad enough to have gotten hit when you were little but I can't imagine how I would feel if someone hit my child. I can't imagine it.

And writermama - your story really touched me. I think that the damage from hitting children is so significant and it is stories like yours which convince me all the more.


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## peaceful herbivore (Mar 17, 2005)

Quote:

I think your father has boundary issues - I think anyone who hits children (or any living creature for that matter) has boundary issues. I would lay down the boundaries extremely clearly, extremely concisely, and extremely firmly. I (personally) wouldn't pepper my discussion with "I love yous" and "this is how I do things" - I would cut to the chase and let him know how disgusted you are with his behavior toward YOU and toward your son. Maybe I should give advice that is more GD-ish but I am hurting for the OP and feeling angry on behalf of her and her little boy. The fact that you didn't even have a reaction when your father hit your child tells me that there are some deep seated feelings of fear that you have - *if a stranger had hit your son I'm sure you would have had a very strong reaction*.
That is how I feel, especially the part in bold. At the risk of assuming, which can be dangerous, I feel that maybe the poster does have some issues with her father due to the fact that she KNOWS where she stands on spanking and is still conflicted on what to do or say etc. Now, no one is suggesting your father is some kind of monster or anything at all, I am sure he DOES love you and your son, however, it is clear that he does have some control and entitlement issues. He felt completely entitled to hit your son and enough control over the situation to think you wouldn't do anything. To take the part I quoted a bit futher, this is clear also because I am sure your father would not THINK to touch a stranger's child anywhere, even if the child was behaving like a royal hellion...

I would skip the "I love you's" and things as well, but I realize that personality types are different, family dynamics are different, you can't be expected to act how any of us would act. I wouldn't be hostile either. I would just be VERY firm and truthful.

I saw you hit my son. Judging by what I saw, I derive that YOU think it is okay to do that. IT IS NOT OKAY. I will not tolerate my son being hit again, swatted, spanked, slapped, etc. I have to ask you to respect that, or unfortunately you will not be permitted to interact with him without close supervision.

Any response he may have other than an apology and a promise not to do it again is only going to be his projection of the world and of the situation placed on your shoulders. IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW HE FEELS OR WHAT HE THINKS (in this situation). Honestly, if you "didn't tolerate" your son wearing any other color shirt than red, and he knew that, and put a blue shirt on him, he IS NOT RESPECTING you or your wishes, no matter how *ridiculous* that condition is. It is your right as a parent to feel that way, and to have others respect that. I am just giving an arbitrary an somewhat ridiculous example, but just to prove the point that he has no right to argue with you. You don't care to hear his reasons, and shouldn't have to, because no matter what they are, they will not change your view of spanking right?

Be strong mama, stand up for your son and for yourself.


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## PJsmomma (Apr 21, 2003)

This happened to my son at Christmas too! My parents live all the way across the country and we were there for a too long of a visit.

My 4 yr old is highly energetic and Grandma and Grandpa are used to peace and quiet. My dad thinks I spoil my child because he doesnt' get spanked for everything he does "wrong". (we did--and yes we turned out just fine--but I do not agree with that "everything gets a spanking" philosophy)

I was taking a shower and while I stepped out I heard something going on but couldn't get dressed fast enough. My son wanted down and Grandpa wanted to hold him and my son kicked him (I don't condone kicking by the way but Grandpa has about 275 lbs on the baby! and he couldn't get away) and my dad pinched the tar out of my son's leg.

I was LIVID! My dad said "well a child ought not to kick an adult" well no but that wasnt' really the story.

I crawled in bed with my son and just held him--he was so heartbroken and kept sobbing "grandpa pinched me" in disbelief. That made me so sad! When he calmed down and fell asleep--it took over an hour for him to calm down. I told my father "don't you dare EVER discipline my son again--he is MY baby." I also threatened to stay in a hotel until my plane left.

My dad was angry at first but the rest of the visit he was very gentle and loving with my son and I think he realized that was wrong (of course we didn't talk about it again)

((hugs)) just letting you know I know how it feels.


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## maraelise (Feb 18, 2005)

i just want to say that there's something incredibly disturbing about adults who aren't the parents (or are for that matter) getting angry enough with a small child to physically hurt them. i've seen this happen a number of times in different situations-- (e.g. the supermarket and playground).

it's very obvious to me that these sorts of people have a problem: they think they're establishing their power and/or authority over the child-- despite the obvious fact that they are bigger and (should) have years of experiental learning on those poor little ones-- to rationalize how their actions will effect the child. and yet a small child can enrage them to the point where they are willing to take it out on them physically??

that's sick and wrong and it infuriates me. i'm in total agreement, touch my kid and you're going to to have hell to pay.

ps... everyone on here is just fantastico!


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cutie Patootie*
I realize spanking is spanking and is horrible in any sense...but what did your ds do that your father thought he should be spanked? Did he swat him once or did he all out spank him? How old is your ds? Does your father know your position on spanking?







I would be sooooo over the line upset about this.
.


He kept getting up from his nap...he was tired and grumpy and wouldn't lay down. He came over to papa and was whining and Dad just "swatted" him on the butt. I do not think that is an offense worthy of spanking or "swatting" My dad is 6ft 6 and over 300lbs. My ds is 3ft 4 and 38lbs...hardly a fair match.


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads*
The fact that you didn't even have a reaction when your father hit your child tells me that there are some deep seated feelings of fear that you have - if a stranger had hit your son I'm sure you would have had a very strong reaction.

.


This touched on something I hadn't thought of. You're right I am afraid of my Dad Not only did he hit me, but he's HUGE 6ft 6 and over 300lbs. Which is strange because he's sick and can barely walk anymore...so why am I afraid of him? Everytime I'm there I remember the beatings. He threw me to the ground once because I handed him the wrong screwdriver, I remember him choking me, I remember him pushing me around and screaming in my face for eating the last dill pickle that he had wanted...like I could know that! I am afraid of him. I should probably explore these feelings.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Hugs, Becca








My dad never did anything nearly so violent to me, and I still fear him a little.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Becca that is HORRIBLE!!! That must also have made watching him spank your son so much worse -- and it would have been horrible enough if you had "only" endured "normal" spankings as a child. His size must have made it so so scary for your son too. What a thoughtless thing for your father to do!!! Grrrrrrr.


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## LooseyLu (Mar 28, 2005)

Becca, many people who spank are loving, misguided parents who are simply falling prey to one of our society's unpleasant norms. But what you described from your father is abuse, not discipline. I'm so sorry that you were raised that way. My mother had a volitile temper and I grew up halfway fearful and halfway numb. A slap on the butt wouldn't be much of a shock to a child who was accustomed to this kind of rough treatment. What your father doesn't understand is that your son had never been hit, and had no immunity to it. When he struck your son, the poor baby didn't recieve the experience as something normal that accompanies love, which is absolutely wonderful. How many of us who were spanked as children grew up and allowed people to mistreat us, b/c we believe that it is normal for those we care about to hurt us? Your son experienced what happened for what it really was: an act of cruelty and intimidation. I don't think that your father can ever understand that, and he may never recognize that spanking is wrong. I emphatically DISAGREE with those posters who have said that you should force your father to admit that spanking is wrong. You can't control his thoughts and beliefs, but you have every right to control his treatment of your son. Someone else mentioned calling the police b/c spanking is illegal. I know that this is my first post and I probably shouldn't rock the boat, but I don't believe there is any place in the real world where a slap on the rump is illegal. Your dad is who he is, and although it would be lovely if you could change his mind about spanking, the issue here is really about respect for you as the mother of your child. Good luck!


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LooseyLu*
I don't believe there is any place in the real world where a slap on the rump is illegal

Actually, it is illegal in these countries:Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Germany, Italy, Cyprus, Croatia, Israel and Latvia. In Canada, it is illegal to spank anyone not between the ages of 2 and 10 years.


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

Regarding the law, I furthermore believe that it IS illegal to spank someone ELSE's child. I think it would be considered assault. Otherwise, strangers in the grocery store could just walk up and spank your kid, couldn't they? Or you, for that matter.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I agree that you have some issues of your own to work out with your father and I would NEVER, EVER leave your DS alone with him again!


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## wasabi (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peaceful herbivore*
See, it is those blurry lines that bother me. Spank, swat, hit, slap on hand etc...to me, it is all the same---to other people I realize it is different. That is why I am careful when speaking to other people in my wording--I inform them that no one will TOUCH, touch, in any way other than in love, my child, and no, hitting, swatting, etc is not love...

...because some people will honestly say "I didn't hit them, I swatted them!" and seriously in their minds think that they were honoring your wishes!! Believe it or not....so you have to be painfully clear sometimes. You shouldn't have to I know, but sometimes it is neccessary.

This is so true. We were at GMIL's house last year and my DD was climbing on top of a footstool. So she's on something that is both not high and meant to have feet on it but for whatever reason GMIL decided DD just should not be on it which whatever it's her house. Anyway she said in a playful sort of voice "get down from there" and bopped DD on the head and then did it again a minute later. It was clearly not done with a disciplinary intent but that's not how I want instructions to be reinforced to my child. So I said "please don't hit her on the head again." She launched into a big debate with me over whether or not she had hit her. I said "ok please don't bop her on the head." She continued protesting and said how DD was not hurt (very true) and if she had meant to hit/hurt her we'd know it and :blab:. I finally said "ok whatever it is you would like to call what you just did to her head please do not do it again." She then wanted to go into a huget thing about how if I didn't want her to touch DD ever that was all I had to say etc. She then wanted to "tell me something" about how much I'm messing up with DD and I simply refused to debate her. I said I wasn't going to argue with her about it but that she simply could not touch her to get her to do something. There's no point in arguing with her about it but yeah I couldn't believe what a huge scene she made over this. She was clearly spoiling for a fight on the issue though because she'd already made a few remarks here and there earlier in the visit as she has on other occasions when visiting us. Quite honestly I don't care what they think since she's my child but they may not touch her to discipline her period.

On the issue of legality it may be true that a swat on the bottom is technically assault and illegal but I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who would press charges for it.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LooseyLu*
I don't think that your father can ever understand that, and he may never recognize that spanking is wrong. I emphatically DISAGREE with those posters who have said that you should force your father to admit that spanking is wrong. You can't control his thoughts and beliefs, but you have every right to control his treatment of your son.

It doesn't matter whether he thinks spanking is right or wrong. It only matters whether he spanks or hits.

Though in this case, for the sake of their relationship, it would be better if he would tell her that he was wrong for hitting her when she was little. But I wouldn't make that a condition of an ongoing relationship. As I have found with my mom, and as many of us have found, the parents who didn't have the self-control to stop themselves from taking their anger out on us when we were little and helpless, can't stop themselves now, either.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coopnwhitsmommy*
This touched on something I hadn't thought of. You're right I am afraid of my Dad Not only did he hit me, but he's HUGE 6ft 6 and over 300lbs. Which is strange because he's sick and can barely walk anymore...so why am I afraid of him? Everytime I'm there I remember the beatings. He threw me to the ground once because I handed him the wrong screwdriver, I remember him choking me, I remember him pushing me around and screaming in my face for eating the last dill pickle that he had wanted...like I could know that! I am afraid of him. I should probably explore these feelings.









:







JMO, but I think if that were my parent I would NOT let him be with my children, at least alone, not even for a second. After all the things he's done to you, I feel that your children are at risk by being near him. He did it right in front of you. Imagine what he could or would do if you weren't there. You need to tell this man that what he did to you, and what he did to your son was WRONG, and that it is NEVER to happen again. If it were me and it happened again I would cut ALL TIES to protect my children. JMO.


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## ShelleyMom2in2 (Aug 2, 2004)

To the op...you are much calmer than I am!! Anyone hits my child and they will be in so much pain. I have no problem throttling another adult. Its just my instinct. Protect baby first..deal with others second


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I would tell him that if he spanks your child again you will no longer visit and that all discipline matters are to be handled by you especially when you are around. It is probably a control issue with him. Unless you are okay with him doing this I would put up guidelines immediately. Let him know that what he did was wrong and that you are an adult and your child's mother and you will not have him taking over your job even if he doesn't agree with how you do it. You may consider telling him how his actions made you and your child feel and that if he wants to have much to do with your family he will need to learn to acknowledge feelings other than his own. I agree that he should also make a sincere apology. Also, when you are around him and your child is doing something that he may go over the edge about you should quickly step in and not allow him the opportunity to handle any discipline. We have a set of grandparents that we do not allow our child to see unsupervised (including in the next room over) because they discipline in ways we don't approve of, this has helped us not get to the point where they will discipline her and I am hoping it will stay that way.


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## cozymama (Apr 27, 2004)

Anyone who raises their hand to my child will not be allowed around him EVER again- there is no second chance- if you hit my child, that's it. That may sound intense (and doesn't sound like something OP wants) but I was hit alot as a kid and it will NEVER happen to my son. My mom (the offender) knows this and while I can't imagine her ever touching my son (I think she really regrets what she did to me and db) she knows that's it if she does.

Why?

Because ultimately this isn't about me or her, it is about my son. He will never have to be around anyone he is afraid of. While I do agree that writing a letter/email to the OP's dad is a great idea, I want to bring us back to her son-- ultimately this is about our kids. Of course, our own histories are a part of how we react, etc. but we need to protect our kids, however each of us defines that.

Just wanted to add that although I have never used this argument with a family member, in a hypothetical discussion with a colleague I pointed out that I would treat my child being hit/spanked/whatever-it's-all-violence-to-me by a relative the same way I would a stranger-- I'd call the police etc. and hope this makes a strong point to the offender that they are being abusive, etc.


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## LooseyLu (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abac*
Actually, it is illegal in these countries:Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Germany, Italy, Cyprus, Croatia, Israel and Latvia. In Canada, it is illegal to spank anyone not between the ages of 2 and 10 years.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Richelle*
Regarding the law, I furthermore believe that it IS illegal to spank someone ELSE's child. I think it would be considered assault.

Well, you learn sumthin new every day...


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I don't even think people who use spanking as discipline allow other people to hit thier kids.
Your dad needs to be told that he can not hit your son EVER. Debating the merits of not spanking will probably be lost on him. I'll bet you will feel empowered b/c you couldn't protect yourself from him so many years ago but you CAN protect your child.
If your son does not want to visit grandpa for now I would not force him. You can even tell your dad that DS is frightened of him now and is't ready to see him. Maybe he will get the message that way.


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

My Dad has apologized for many things that went wrong in my life, that were his fault (my parents are keisters basically) I don't know if he has apologized for hitting me. But it doesn't matter really. I love him, and he's dying, he's 46 and has had half a dozen heart attacks, a stroke, and a kidney transplant, he is in the end stages of type 1 diabetes. I'm not going to deprive him, me, or my children of a relationship. I'll just have to be more vigilant and speak to him about not spanking. Ds loves his Papa and I think it would be more damageing in the long wrong to break that bond.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)




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## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

To the OP, I'll add that your childhood story reads just like mine. My dad had always been larger that life to me, as he was very violent. Then one day I was about 21-22 and he was visiting - an extremely rare event. He "jokingly" shoved me while I wasn't looking and bounced off of me and fell. I had been training martial arts for a couple of years at that point, and had become used to my own strength - or at least to the idea that I even HAD strength. It was a huge thing for me to realize that he was, in reality, a very weak man. He had always been, and had used me as a punching bag because I was helpless. I had thought of all that before this event, but I *felt* it for the first time and *understood* it finally.

Fortunately, I worked through these issues pretty well before I had a kiddo. I am adamant that my DS will not be exposed (without strict parental supervision, and only when necessary) to dangerous people until he is capable of defending himself and chooses as he will. I don't care a rat's behind how those dangerous people feel about it. My child does not exsist to bring them pleasure - or to help them avoid the discomfort they feel when faced with sanity.

I see this situation with my step-father and his grandchildren. It sickens me. He is also a stoke patient. He was violent with me as a child, has no remorse - in fact, thrives in my mother's denial of his abuse. The whole family tries to use the children as a way of "bringing him out of his shell" or therapy, or something. I see my step-nephews cringing and sqiurming with fear when they are forced to sit with grandpa. He is rude, inappropriate, and makes them feel awful. I do not allow my son to be used in that way, and it causes great upheaval in the family. Guess what... I don't care!

I encourage you to explore your issues further. It will be enlightening, terrifying at times, relieving, and most of all healing to you and your little one.

Hugs!


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## wasabi (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins*
I don't even think people who use spanking as discipline allow other people to hit thier kids.

Sadly most people I know who spank have no problem whatsoever with other people spanking their kids. Now maybe if some random stranger did it they'd be pissed but if you are allowed to watch their kids you're allowed to spank their kids.


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## lovnbnhome (Sep 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coopnwhitsmommy*
My Dad has apologized for many things that went wrong in my life, that were his fault (my parents are keisters basically) I don't know if he has apologized for hitting me. But it doesn't matter really. I love him, and he's dying, he's 46 and has had half a dozen heart attacks, a stroke, and a kidney transplant, he is in the end stages of type 1 diabetes. I'm not going to deprive him, me, or my children of a relationship. I'll just have to be more vigilant and speak to him about not spanking. Ds loves his Papa and I think it would be more damageing in the long wrong to break that bond.

nak

after reading all of this thread, I agree with you Becca.







I feel for your situation but don't deprive your ds of his papa. Just talk to your dad about your views on spanking...I'll give him the benefit of the doubt...he was frustrated with ds about getting up so many times, he's tired, sick... good luck!!


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I'm still learning how to go about "standing up" to my parents. It's hard I don't want by kids to grow up in fear as I did. The big problem is I am STILL afraid. It's so hard







Thank you again for your kindness and helpful suggestions I guess I will just have to Learn how to be assertive.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Do your parents know you have always been afraid of them and are still afraid of them?

What do you think would happen if you sat down and told your dad that you are scared of him. Would that upset him, would it bother him? To someone who is a total control freak, it might satisify them to know that they had power over you. To a loving parent who just didn't have very good parenting tools, it might be a real wake up call and it might facilitate some healing communication. Only you know what sort of guy your dad is.

I never had grandparents growing up. Three of them were gone by the time I came along and the last one I never knew because my mother didn't like her (my dad's mother). I do regret that I didn't have any grandparents. A grandparent/grand child relationship can be so special but it does need to be healthy. I think it is great that you are trying to make a connection between your ds and your father. From here on out, you now know that it will take alot of supervision from you to keep ds from experiencing fear.....but maybe talking about your fear would bring about some changes.

Best wishes!


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