# "What you did was unacceptable"



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I'm reading Kids Parents and Power Struggles, and she says in a few places to use a phrase like that. I really like the book, and so far that's really the only thing that feels a bit off to me. The book has it in quotes, as she's recommending it as something to say.

I like the idea of telling ds HOW what he did negatively affected someone, and that he is expected to do X instead next time. But that seems different than telling him that what he did was unacceptable.

Opinions?


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I've used that phrase. To me, it just is a limit-setting phrase. There are times that kids do things that are unacceptable like hitting and it's just my way of not over-talking the issue. I never really thought too much about it but I will watch this thread to see if there are any other thoughts...


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## HappyAgain (Mar 24, 2007)

It seems a little harsh to me personally. If someone said it to me, I would feel totally judged.

I would say that was a "poor choice" or that was not okay...


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

yeah, dd's teacher always phrases things as a choice, or not a choice. its kind of funny because dd will say "i have a good choice!" and then go down the slide or something







so sometimes i will say something like "throwing sand is not a choice." because i think it sets a limit. i think for a lot of kids, too, the word "unacceptable" is too long/too vague. how do you define it? "not...something we do? not socially appropriate?" that's not really language a 3 year old can get. most kids understand "choice". like, you may not throw sand, that's not a choice. but you can pour it or dig it, those are your choices. that gives them some control. maybe?


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

I tell my boys when they are exhibiting unacceptable behavior that it is unacceptable behavior. It's behavior I do not accept inside our family.


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## myjulybabes (Jun 24, 2003)

To me it depends on the age of the child. It's a little vague for a 3 yr old, IMO. I like the pp's suggestion of "That's not a choice."


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

That's the sort of phrase I would certainly be very careful with because it's a pretty blanket statement. Lots of things are unacceptable for certain people to do but not others, or in certain circumstances but not others.

It also doesn't give much guidance to the child and is pretty judgmental sounding. That's OK if your child is jumping on you for the 10th time in a row when you've told them to stop and you are afraid your ribs are going to break (or something like that, where you're at the end of your patience), but for lots of other stuff maybe not the best tactic.

So while I haven't personally used that phrase, if I did incorporate it, it would definitely be used sparingly.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *myjulybabes* 
To me it depends on the age of the child. It's a little vague for a 3 yr old, IMO. I like the pp's suggestion of "That's not a choice."

We use something similar to that as well.

When the 3 yr old wants to do something that isn't an option I tell him. Nope, sorry, that isn't an option you have available to you.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I basically say the same thing, but, I don't say "You" in it.

I say "That is not O.K", which is kinda the same, only the kids seem to accept and understand that. "Unacceptable" Is a bit big for some of my younger kids. They would understand it soon enough, but I still feel better saying "That is Not O.K".


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

I do say "That is not acceptable" sometimes (DD is five) but only for things that are really unacceptable -- something that is RIGHT OUT, like hitting or intentionally breaking another person's belongings or stepping on people's feet on purpose.

She knows perfectly well WHY stepping on someone's foot is unacceptable at this age; I don't need to explain every time that it hurts. I don't want to call it a "poor choice," because to me that implies that it's in the menu of possible choices to begin with. Eating more ice cream when you already have a stomach ache is a poor choice; knocking someone else's ice cream off the cone because you want to see them cry (not that she would do that, but as an example) is beyond a poor choice, it is unacceptable.


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## bl987ue (Mar 14, 2006)

It would probably be over a 3-year-old's head, but I say it to my six-year-old. He knows when he is doing something that is wrong, and it reinforces that with him. We don't use it for everyday misbehavior, but if he does something that is way out of line, we will use it. I see nothing wrong with it.


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## gretchtables (Feb 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I do say "That is not acceptable" sometimes (DD is five) but only for things that are really unacceptable -- something that is RIGHT OUT, like hitting or intentionally breaking another person's belongings or stepping on people's feet on purpose.

She knows perfectly well WHY stepping on someone's foot is unacceptable at this age; I don't need to explain every time that it hurts. I don't want to call it a "poor choice," because to me that implies that it's in the menu of possible choices to begin with. Eating more ice cream when you already have a stomach ache is a poor choice; knocking someone else's ice cream off the cone because you want to see them cry (not that she would do that, but as an example) is beyond a poor choice, it is unacceptable.

This is me too, I don't use it all the time, but in instances like those above. We say "That is not acceptable" too.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

We sometimes say "That is not acceptable" or "That is not okay." Other times we say "That is not how we do things in our family." Or something along those lines. We are always very careful to communicate that the specific behavior is what is unacceptable.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I do say "That is not acceptable" sometimes (DD is five) but only for things that are really unacceptable -- something that is RIGHT OUT, like hitting or intentionally breaking another person's belongings or stepping on people's feet on purpose.

She knows perfectly well WHY stepping on someone's foot is unacceptable at this age; I don't need to explain every time that it hurts. I don't want to call it a "poor choice," because to me that implies that it's in the menu of possible choices to begin with. Eating more ice cream when you already have a stomach ache is a poor choice; knocking someone else's ice cream off the cone because you want to see them cry (not that she would do that, but as an example) is beyond a poor choice, it is unacceptable.

Same here. Hitting daddy while he is sleeping is unacceptable. No need to explain why to a 5 yo.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I don't use it. I explain what could the effects of the behaviour be.

"Unacceptable" is a big vague term IMO. It's not accepted by me? By society? What happens when something is "not accepted"? Why should the "doer" care if his/her doings are "accepted" or not? And so on and so forth.


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## ashleyhaugh (Jun 23, 2005)

at the center i worked at, we used "that is not ok" and "i dont like that"... that is not ok when you throw toys/i dont like it when you throw toys..... the kids used it too "i dont like that when you hit me!"


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
We sometimes say "That is not acceptable" or "That is not okay." Other times we say "That is not how we do things in our family." Or something along those lines. We are always very careful to communicate that the specific behavior is what is unacceptable.

That's what I say too. It's not so much a description of behavior as it a reminder of standards that ds (6) has already learned!

Personally, I HATE the phrase "that's not a choice" or "that's a poor choice" because it makes it sound as if the child consciously made a choice to act out, or it makes it sound like the behavior in question is negotiable. Sorry, but usually those kinds of things are not negotiable. And I don't believe that my son sits down and actively chooses to do something wrong. It's REACTIVE. "That's not an option" is much better IMO.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Personally, I HATE the phrase "that's not a choice" or "that's a poor choice" because it makes it sound as if the child consciously made a choice to act out, or it makes it sound like the behavior in question is negotiable. Sorry, but usually those kinds of things are not negotiable. And I don't believe that my son sits down and actively chooses to do something wrong. It's REACTIVE. "That's not an option" is much better IMO.

Me too! "Poor choice" is one of my least favorite phrases.

I actually think "that is not acceptable" and "that's not okay" are just one step up from "that was a naughty thing to do" which I doubt anyone here would say. If the reasoning is that the child can't separate the action from themselves, then telling them "that is not acceptable" is tantamount to saying, "You are not acceptable."

Personally, I greatly prefer "You may not XYZ," or "We do not XYZ" or "I don't like it when you XYZ" or "I won't let you XYZ". It's more direct, and it's more honest.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I do say "That is not acceptable" sometimes (DD is five) but only for things that are really unacceptable -- something that is RIGHT OUT, like hitting or intentionally breaking another person's belongings or stepping on people's feet on purpose.

She knows perfectly well WHY stepping on someone's foot is unacceptable at this age; I don't need to explain every time that it hurts. I don't want to call it a "poor choice," because to me that implies that it's in the menu of possible choices to begin with. Eating more ice cream when you already have a stomach ache is a poor choice; knocking someone else's ice cream off the cone because you want to see them cry (not that she would do that, but as an example) is beyond a poor choice, it is unacceptable.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *ashleyhaugh* 
at the center i worked at, we used "that is not ok" and "i dont like that"... that is not ok when you throw toys/i dont like it when you throw toys..... the kids used it too "i dont like that when you hit me!"


Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
That's what I say too. It's not so much a description of behavior as it a reminder of standards that ds (6) has already learned!

Personally, I HATE the phrase "that's not a choice" or "that's a poor choice" because it makes it sound as if the child consciously made a choice to act out, or it makes it sound like the behavior in question is negotiable. Sorry, but usually those kinds of things are not negotiable. And I don't believe that my son sits down and actively chooses to do something wrong. It's REACTIVE. "That's not an option" is much better IMO.









: to all of the above. I've used "That's NOT OK" for times when he's hurt someone, "I don't appreciate you doing that" for other things, "You can X but you can't Y" other times, and "that's not an option right now". I've never used "poor/bad choice" or "good choice", because they rub me the wrong way too.

I always follow my brief statements up with an explanation, so it's more than me just admonishing him...however, my particular kid needs an 'alert' to when he's doing something he needs to stop doing; I can't just mosey up to him and start talking to him about it - I tried that and it didn't work well - he needs to be "snapped out of it" (gently







) first, THEN we can briefly discuss whatever the situation was.


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## KnitterMama (Mar 31, 2005)

I usually say "We don't do X. X hurts (or whatever)." I think this is effective and favorable because it's not passing judgment and also acknowledges that the child may have learned the behavior from someone else doing it.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I've said "that was unacceptable" and frankly, I don't think my kids really understand that in a meaningful way.

I have found it helpful to say "I do not like that" followed by an brief explanation of what I do want them to do. "I do not like it when people hit each other. I need us all to be safe, so I want you to use gentle touches. I want to help, tell me what happened..." Or "I felt [whatever] when I saw you do/heard you say [x], because I need/value/want [y]. I want you to [do y instead]."


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## Ilovelife (Jun 6, 2004)

I'm almost afraid to ask this, as it seems I should know. But how is saying "I don't like that." or "We don't do that." less judgmental than saying "That behavior is unacceptable." ? To me they seem to convey the same essential meaning, and I'm not sure how a child would perceive them differently? I'm not trying to start a debate, I just wonder if someone can explain this a bit?


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

I'm almost afraid to ask this, as it seems I should know. But how is saying "I don't like that." or "We don't do that." less judgmental than saying "That behavior is unacceptable." ? To me they seem to convey the same essential meaning, and I'm not sure how a child would perceive them differently? I'm not trying to start a debate, I just wonder if someone can explain this a bit?
I switched it around and saw the difference, but imagining someone saying it to me. "We don't do that" really is clearer than "That is not acceptable". Acceptable to who?

That said, with an older child, I have said 'That is not acceptable' when he does something in public that really just plain isn't acceptable. I usually clarify the statement though, such as "Ds we are in a restaurant--that is not acceptable here"---thinking back I did say that when he was much younger for things like throwing food in restaurants.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I use that phrase sometimes, but I save it for serious situations where a blanket phrase like that is true. The two times dd has deliberately hit her younger brother with a smile on her face, for example. There is no gray area there -- it is and always will be unacceptable behavior. She's 2.5 and she gets it. In recognition of her age, I don't say "That's unacceptable," I say, "Hitting your brother is unacceptable" so there's no room for misinterpretation.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I like the word "acceptable" - but I don't use it with a 2.5 year old. Maybe I should try it out. If I were to say it, I would most often mean "that is not acceptable *to me*" so maybe that's what I should say. It is a judgement call, but I think that's part of my job - to make judgement calls.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Thanks for all the replies!
My main concern was that "that's not acceptable" might be heard by a young child as "YOU are not acceptable" and I see that some people have the same concern.

What about times when, say, ds refuses to let us brush his teeth, and we HAVE to leave the house at a definite time? This happened the other day- we were taking dp to work so we could have the van to go to the park with friends. Ds has cavities, so brushing is really important to us.
He didn't let us brush, and there was really nothing we could do but go with his teeth unbrushed. I told him that it was not ok that he did that, and talked (more) about how important it was to brush teeth.
I'm unsure of the phrase "that's not ok" but what could I say there? I can't say "I won't let you" lol, because I don't have a whole heck of a lot of choice there (and I wasn't going to hold him down).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
Personally, I greatly prefer "You may not XYZ," or "We do not XYZ" or "I don't like it when you XYZ" or "I won't let you XYZ". It's more direct, and it's more honest.

I use "I don't like it..." sometimes. Those are more direct and honest (and ya know honesty is my thing. lol)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ilovelife* 
I'm almost afraid to ask this, as it seems I should know. But how is saying "I don't like that." or "We don't do that." less judgmental than saying "That behavior is unacceptable." ? To me they seem to convey the same essential meaning, and I'm not sure how a child would perceive them differently? I'm not trying to start a debate, I just wonder if someone can explain this a bit?









I turned it around too. If (and this is totally hypothetical) dp called me a nasty name, I could see myself saying to him "I don't like that" or "What you said to me was not ok" but I can't see myself saying "Calling names is unacceptable." Actually, same with "We don't do that" because obviously, he did it (that's the nit-picker in me).
And "that's unacceptable" seems to be said in a harsher tone of voice than most of the other options that have been posted in this thread. Sometimes, depending on what happened, ANYTHING would come out in a harsh tone, though. hehe


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Oh, there are some things that if an adult did them, I would say "that is completely unacceptable," for sure.

As a parent, I don't say "I don't like that" as a reason for my kid to do or not do things much. After all, I sometimes do or don't do things in ways she doesn't like, and her not liking it does not change the fact that I'm going to turn off the TV when it's time to brush teeth, or refuse to jump up from my dinner to cook something else for her. And there are things that I don't like that are not discipline issues; I don't like watching Pokemon with her -- there's nothing wrong with Pokemon, but I don't enjoy it. The reason not to hit other people is not that I personally don't like it; it's not just a matter of taste. It's that it is, simply, WRONG.

Why would "that is unacceptable" be heard as "you are not acceptable" -- but "that is not O.K." NOT be heard as "you are not O.K.?


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Why would "that is unacceptable" be heard as "you are not acceptable" -- but "that is not O.K." NOT be heard as "you are not O.K.?

That's why I was unsure using the phrase "that is not ok" lol. At the moment, I just didn't know what else to say, kwim?

I definitely see you're point about "I don't like that." I have run into that a little bit. I tell ds that he may not hit the dog because she doesn't like it. But then I do cut her nails, which she doesn't like. Ds is aware that she doesn't like it. I say something about she may not like it, but if I don't cut her nails they will get long and very uncomfortable for her.

hmmmm...so if I were to say "I won't let you hit me" what would the explanation be? (please read that as not being snarky at all. I'm honestly curious!). Maybe "It hurts me when you hit me?" but sometimes it doesn't hurt, and I still don't like it. The pain isn't the reason I don't want to be hit. kwim?


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Quote:

hmmmm...so if I were to say "I won't let you hit me" what would the explanation be? (please read that as not being snarky at all. I'm honestly curious!). Maybe "It hurts me when you hit me?" but sometimes it doesn't hurt, and I still don't like it. The pain isn't the reason I don't want to be hit. kwim?
I think these are great questions! I'm loving this whole conversation, because it's making me articulate things consciously. Honestly, to me the reason we don't do some things is that they are wrong. It's wrong to hit people and animals (barring certain activities between consenting adults ...) because it is unkind. The reason not to hit me is not just that I don't like it, but that _nobody_ likes it and nobody deserves to get hit -- it's mean and it shows disrespect to the one you hit. Otherwise, there's no reason not to walk up to any random person and wack them a good one -- maybe, unlike Mommy, this person likes it, how do you know until you try? It puts the onus on the person who's getting hit to spell out what they won't allow -- but it's really my responsibility not to hit you in the first place, not your responsibility to convince me that it bothers you.

"We don't do that" works pretty well for me, because it conveys the same idea -- this is NOT DONE. It's not on the table of options. The only problem is, the kid just did "that," so obviously the statement "we don't do that" isn't literally true ... I guess it depends on how focused your kid is on finding loopholes!


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## pixiesmommy (Apr 19, 2007)

We say, "That is not appropriate" more than using 'unacceptable.'
We obviously say it a lot because dd just told me a few days ago that my belching was inappropriate as well as how low my shirt was cut.









I've also been known to say, "I don't like that" or "I don't like it when you do that" and "Let's save that (behavior) for.... (outside, etc)" and "That's a bad idea!" when there is that twinkle in the eye of something awful to come!

'Manda


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## Ilovelife (Jun 6, 2004)

Hmm. See, for me, I use "I don't like..." if it's something being done TO me or affecting me directly. Because then, my feelings about it matter (I don't like to be hit. I don't like to be called names. I don't like it when you take 30 minutes to brush your teeth and then we are late for school.) But if something is "unacceptable" it is just that--unacceptable--not only to me but as a behavior toward anyone in our society. Spitting at people--unacceptable. Throwing rocks at animals--unacceptable. I guess I tend to use more descriptive words like "unkind" or "not safe" but I think I add "unacceptable" in sometimes. I don't say "I don't like it when you throw rocks at the cat" because it doesn't have anything to do with me. It's between the child and the cat. And the behavior is not kind or safe--therefore it is "unacceptable" behavior.







:

I still don't see one as being more judgmental than the other.


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## Ilovelife (Jun 6, 2004)

"We don't do that" doesn't work for me, either. First of all, who is "we"? Our family? Our society? The people in our neighborhood? And things that aren't supposed to be done are done anyway, so it's not true. Maybe it's a rule/limit/whatever you want to call it to not do xyz, but to say we don't EVERY do it is probably not true. I do say, "We don't do that in our family" if it's a question, like "My friend eats doughnuts for lunch everyday. Can I have a doughnut for lunch?" "No, we don't have doughnuts for lunch in our family." followed by a short explanation about healthy food helping us feel better. I will use, "Let's not..." to interrupt a behavior though. "Let's not walk through those people's lawn," for example.

It's really all just semantics, though, isn't it. As someone mentioned, tone of voice will convey an equal message. And children aren't aware of the connotations. Mostly, they will take away the message, especially if you use the same phrase consistently. I have heard kids take notice of the "We don't" phrases, though, by saying "But so-and-so did it!"

Oops I meant to edit, not add a new post.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy* 
What about times when, say, ds refuses to let us brush his teeth, and we HAVE to leave the house at a definite time? This happened the other day- we were taking dp to work so we could have the van to go to the park with friends. Ds has cavities, so brushing is really important to us.
He didn't let us brush, and there was really nothing we could do but go with his teeth unbrushed. I told him that it was not ok that he did that, and talked (more) about how important it was to brush teeth.
I'm unsure of the phrase "that's not ok" but what could I say there? I can't say "I won't let you" lol, because I don't have a whole heck of a lot of choice there (and I wasn't going to hold him down).

How about, "It's very important to brush your teeth so you don't get any more cavities. Next time I expect you to brush them (or let me brush them) so that we won't be late."

Then you don't have to focus on what was done wrong, but instead can tell him what you want.


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## txgal (Jul 16, 2003)

We use the term "good and bad choices"
EX. "Hitting your friend because they took your toy is a bad choice, what would be a good choice?"
We talk about what the good choice would be...tell an adult, ask for the toy back, offer to share and play together. We started using this terminology at @ 2.5 yrs. and now at 3, he is pretty good at articulating what is the good choice and will tell me when he has made a good or bad choice.
I also use it in situations where I think he may not be able to control his impulses.
Ex. If he is throwing things, and I have told him to stop. "I can tell you are having a hard time making a good choice, Do you want me to put that away so you don't make a bad choice and throw it again." almost always he gives it to me willingly and goes on to play with something else.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *txgal* 
We use the term "good and bad choices"
EX. "Hitting your friend because they took your toy is a bad choice, what would be a good choice?"
We talk about what the good choice would be...tell an adult, ask for the toy back, offer to share and play together. We started using this terminology at @ 2.5 yrs. and now at 3, he is pretty good at articulating what is the good choice and will tell me when he has made a good or bad choice.
I also use it in situations where I think he may not be able to control his impulses.
Ex. If he is throwing things, and I have told him to stop. "I can tell you are having a hard time making a good choice, Do you want me to put that away so you don't make a bad choice and throw it again." almost always he gives it to me willingly and goes on to play with something else.

But why do you have to label it? Wouldn't it be just as helpful, if not more so, to say, "I can see you're having a hard time resisting throwing that. Do you want me to put it away for now?" Then there's much less doubt cast upon his character.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I do say "That is not acceptable" sometimes (DD is five) but only for things that are really unacceptable -- something that is RIGHT OUT, like hitting or intentionally breaking another person's belongings or stepping on people's feet on purpose.

She knows perfectly well WHY stepping on someone's foot is unacceptable at this age; I don't need to explain every time that it hurts. I don't want to call it a "poor choice," because to me that implies that it's in the menu of possible choices to begin with. Eating more ice cream when you already have a stomach ache is a poor choice; knocking someone else's ice cream off the cone because you want to see them cry (not that she would do that, but as an example) is beyond a poor choice, it is unacceptable.

I use it in this way also . . . because certain things are just not o.k., and by 4 or 5 they know that.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I try to be a bit more specific. 'Gentle with your brother. Pulling hair hurts" , "Throw the ball on the grass", or "Ouch! My feet hurt if you step on them".

But understand, I am figuring we are talking to little ones.

I think older kids know what is 'acceptable' or not. I think that sort of talk is a little to affected. It's probably just me.

I prefer specific, respectful language.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
How about, "It's very important to brush your teeth so you don't get any more cavities. Next time I expect you to brush them (or let me brush them) so that we won't be late."

Then you don't have to focus on what was done wrong, but instead can tell him what you want.

Direct and positive- sounds perfect!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I prefer specific, respectful language.

Oh, sure. Give me something else that I need to figure out in the heat of the moment.









I'm so behind on this gd stuff. You'd think that having read as many freakin gd books as I have, and being on this board as long as I have, that I'd be doing much better. lol.
I'm so glad that dp is really really gd, but sometimes it sucks that he's so much better at it than I am!


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *myjulybabes* 
To me it depends on the age of the child. It's a little vague for a 3 yr old, IMO. I like the pp's suggestion of "That's not a choice."

**haven't read the entire thread**

i use this with our 3 yo and she understands. she may not be able to give an exact definition of the word 'acceptable' but she get's it. we teach language by using it. that being said we do say 'that is unacceptable behavior. we are gentle with Mable. picking her up could hurt her, silly Lily!'.
we set boundaries in GD between what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and pass judgment everyday when our children behave any which way 'is what Sally doing within the boundaries we have set?'. when i say to Lilith what she is doing is acceptable or unacceptable i am reinforcing the boundaries we have set. JMO.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 

I prefer specific, respectful language.

Me too - in my explanations (after the 'snap out of it' phrase I mentioned above that my particular kid needs...) I try to use words like gentle, kind, helpful, generous, thoughtful, polite to explain what he did, or what I would like him to do...instead of good, bad, or nice, which are vague, seem more condescending to me, and mean different things to different people. Sometimes I pause to find the right word, but I don't think that's a problem (or a "bad" thing








).

I don't use 'we don't do that' either, because, well, if you're saying that, the child already did it; plus, using "we" makes me think of a royal referring to themself in the third person/as an entity







Actually, come to think of it, I have said on an occasion or two, "We are not amused." in a lighthearted way to DS when he's being goofy.







I'll use, "neighbors", "people", or other plural descriptives, but I don't use "we".

I'll say, "I don't want you to X" or "I won't let you X" or "It's not OK to X/X is not OK" with a brief explanation why. Always with the explanations...always. It's gotten to the point where if I *don't* give an explanation, he says, "but WHY, mommy?"







: I _*knew*_ all this responsive parenting would backfire on me some day














. It has helped me think on my feet though and I'm becoming a master of the short, calm, informative answer. And then sometimes, the answer for the "why?" after that is, "Bud, that's the whole answer. Let's go."


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Haven't read all the replies yet, so this may have already been said. I don't like to use "you" in a statement that is negative. I find that it puts people on the defense immediately and sounds very accusatory to me. In the case of hitting, I say "Hitting is unnacceptable in our house." The action is unnaceptable, not the person.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I really fail to see this phrase as problematic for certain things. I've read this phrase in other gd books. I do say "I don't like that" but not for outright wrong things like hitting his brother or pushing him down. "I don't like it" if he smears yogurt on his face. Pushing his brother is really not acceptable or allowed, period. I also say a lot, "you may not do that" but I guess I don't want to say the same thing all the time. So sometimes I say that something is unacceptable. Honestly, I understand the power of words, I was shamed a lot, but sometimes I read here and think one can't do or say anything without feeling like they're shaming their child. My son does do some really "unacceptable" stuff lately- like beating on his brother. If he does it repeatedly and I'm already attempting to address unmet needs, I have no problem with letting him know that it's unacceptable. I strive not to yell, or punish, or isolate, but I still want to be firm.


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## pixiepunk (Mar 11, 2003)

i say "it's not OK to ____" in its place. i'ts basically the same thing, it just sounds better/gentler to me than "unacceptable" for some reason.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I say "I don't like that." I see nothing wrong with being honest.

"Unacceptable" sounds like there is some outside person deciding what is right/wrong.

"We don't do that" negates the fact that the child just did it. Instead, I might say, "Look, I don't hit, and I don't want you to hit, either."

I do not like "That is not OK." That sounds VERY wishy-washy to me, as though the speaker is trying to avoid conflict vs. getting the point across. I also think that the word "OK" really stands out, so the child might hear "OK" when they've just hit someone!


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

How about, "Do not hit people. Hitting is _wrong_."

Not "unacceptable," "inappropriate," "not OK," "we don't do [but others should?]." Just plain wrong.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

We used "that's not acceptable" at a girl scout camp when I worked there. I seem to think I've used it in other similar settings like a computer camp. It makes sense to me in that setting. There are rules to the location, and it was used for dangers rather than annoyances generally. Stuff like walking on the cabin porch railing, stealing someone else's property, swimming in the deep end when you're only approved for shallow swimming (even if you felt the test was unfair).

I don't use it with dd, but she's much younger than a camper. I don't know if I'll use it when she's older or not. It sounds... institutional I guess, cold? impersonal? not connected?... but that may be b/c of where I learned it.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I try to keep the statement short." I don't like being hit."

I do use "that is not acceptable" with my 5 yr old.

I try to avoid, "it's not o.k. to...." only because my dd2, only hears "o.k. to...".

Isn't parenting fun?









We do use good choice, wrong choice (can't make myself say bad).


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

:


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I use it for things that are generally agreed upon by as unnacceptable. "Hitting/namecalling/taking things from others/etc is unnacceptable".


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