# What do you say to people who say things to your children?



## annT (Mar 22, 2005)

Thanks all!


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## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

i used to often answer for my dd...this is lily. she just turned one.









now my dd (27 mos) is super-outgoing (sometimes too much so







) so she almost always responds to people but if not i just say (to her but so they hear)....don't feel like talking right now or feeling a little shy right now...that's ok. you don't have to talk right now. and then i smile and disengage from the interaction.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annT* 

(2) My little one is slow to warm up to people he doesn't know, which I really respect about him. He doesn't smile at strangers, he won't crack a grin if someone at the grocery store tries to charm him, and he has an unflinting stare. This has caused a number of people to become exasperated, give up trying to make him smile (say, standing in line at the store), and then announce - right in front of him! - "Your baby is SO SERIOUS."

I would smile and say something along the lines of "yeah, I often wonder what he's thinking about."

HTH!

ZM


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## mbravebird (May 9, 2005)

My babe was like yours at that age (now he's a social butterfly), and I used to talk to _him_ right after someone said that to him. I might say something like "You're wondering who this person is" or "You're really checking him out. Look, he has a hat on!" and then segue into an adult conversation with the person.

IMO, it helped him feel seen and understood, despite the judgement, and then quickly got the focus off of him.


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## yoga mom (Aug 5, 2004)

My dd was VERY serious-she had reason to be since she was adopted at age one. Unfortunately, this drew more attention to her. She would give these awful "drop dead" looks that were really embarassing and could not be misunderstood as shy. I think sometimes people need a reminder that the child views them as a stranger. Another good one is the sling, dd would whip up the fabric and cover her head so she wouldn't have to look at folks but she really preferred the rude glares









When your ds is four or five, he can learn to say hello when people say hello. Prior to that, love him! These serious types are super sensitive and intelligent


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## mbravebird (May 9, 2005)

I forgot -- I used to say "He's got his poker face on", with sort of a nod and a wink, which sort of turned the comment into a more positive one and introduced some lightheartedness into the interaction. It still had an element of judgment to it, I guess, but it also made the whole interaction seem less important when I treated it lightly.


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## augustgirl69 (Apr 2, 2005)

My odd used to scream and cry if strangers tried to talk to her or God forbid touch her (we now know she has sensory issues but still...) I used to hold her protectively and simply say "she does not interact with strangers - you are scaring her" and walk away.

Sorry- people say the dumbest things!!


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Having known so many people who hate children, i am always happy to think there are folks out there who like children and want to engage them a bit. Some people can't figure out ages, but want to chat. I think it's nice. It can be a PITA, I suppose, but I always like chatting with nice folks in public.

I know I've said things like "She doesn't talk yet" or " He's little and doesn't know high five, but I know he enjoys people". I know some people would be inappropriate, but i think most people just want to make some connections out there. I also think older people aren't as afriad of the world as we younger people have been conditioned to be.

I figure every nice person who says hello, and I think, "Give me five" is a way of saying hello, or breaking the ice, is a way of making us better as a community. I know I often see the same people over and over again during my errands. I might not know their names, but their faces seem familar.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Sometimes, I just turn to my son and wait for his response. He usually smiles very coyly and covers up half of his face, so I say, "I guess he's not going to say hi right now." or sometimes say, "Oh, he's shy!" and so I say, "Yeah, sometimes he feels a little bashful," because I don't want him to be pigeon-holed. But he usually smiles, so I don't have advice for the serious remark. I really like the poker face one. My cousin has a very serious child, I think she's incredibly adorable, and I love it when people are trying to jolly her up and she just gives them the stink eye. I agree w/pp that people probably just think he's cute.

But also, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "Can you say "Bye"? or "Can you wave?" if your child doesn't seem scared but is just observing the situation. My kids seemed to get a pretty big kick out of waving to someone and having them wave back.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I would just tell them that you have a little introvert on your hands and that is one of the things you love most about him! (coming from an introvert!)

I had the exact opposite with my dd... I'm quite the introvert and she is soooooooo far on the extrovert fence that it's not even funny. I often found myself stuck in situations that were very uncomfortable for me... because of her social ability to draw in complete strangers with her smiles and coos.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

: Oh this irritates me! DD1 was/is SO shy! (Though I'd never say that to/in front of her.) People always say crap like this when she won't "engage" them. I usually just say "She's little & she doesn't know you!" Most people get it or feel dumb after that. Uggh.


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## mothragirl (Sep 10, 2005)

i get that stuff all the time! i think babies this age who are attached are way more interested in observing than interacting (not always, but just my experience). i tell people exactly that. "she likes to watch and take it all in, you probably won't get much response from her" etc. i LOVE the rare person who is willing to act really silly and make her smile instead of demanding an action like most people do.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

: This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I think it ticks me off so much because ds is almost 3 and people *expect* him to be able to carry on a conversation with them, a stranger, while standing in the grocery line. It aint gonna happen (he has autism, possibly SID- definately sensory issues, and a major speech delay). He *just* (as in yesterday) learned how to say "hi". He hates strangers. He absolutely melts down when those, mostly well meaning, strangers try and touch him (he has the most gorgeous blond curls that old ladies seem to love to try and touch). So when they ask him questions ("what's your name?", "How old are you?", blah blah blah) that he can't answer they then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him".














Of course that unleashes the mama bear







Usually I can avoid it by wearing ds in the sling (he looooves it and usually refuses to walk in the store). He can bury his head in my shoulder/chest if he feels uncomfortable and I can slap away any hands that are reaching for him


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

StephandOwen;6096116 He absolutely melts down when those said:


> People have ASKED what is wrong with him?!?! How RUDE!!!
> 
> I just wanted to share that my 3 yr. old nephew thinks he's Alex the Lion from some recent movie and when people speak to him in stores, he ROARS!!! My sister is always SO EMBARASSED!!!


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 







: This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I think it ticks me off so much because ds is almost 3 and people *expect* him to be able to carry on a conversation with them, a stranger, while standing in the grocery line. It aint gonna happen (he has autism, possibly SID- definately sensory issues, and a major speech delay). He *just* (as in yesterday) learned how to say "hi". He hates strangers. He absolutely melts down when those, mostly well meaning, strangers try and touch him (he has the most gorgeous blond curls that old ladies seem to love to try and touch). So when they ask him questions ("what's your name?", "How old are you?", blah blah blah) that he can't answer they then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him".















Of course that unleashes the mama bear







Usually I can avoid it by wearing ds in the sling (he looooves it and usually refuses to walk in the store). He can bury his head in my shoulder/chest if he feels uncomfortable and I can slap away any hands that are reaching for him










FYI Steph, my DS doesn't have autism and IS three and is just now answering questions like "What's your name?" His speech is a little garbled to me, and other people have a heck of a time understanding him... He doesn't even know the answer to "How old are you?"


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 







: This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I think it ticks me off so much because ds is almost 3 and people *expect* him to be able to carry on a conversation with them, a stranger, while standing in the grocery line. It aint gonna happen (he has autism, possibly SID- definately sensory issues, and a major speech delay). He *just* (as in yesterday) learned how to say "hi". He hates strangers. He absolutely melts down when those, mostly well meaning, strangers try and touch him (he has the most gorgeous blond curls that old ladies seem to love to try and touch). So when they ask him questions ("what's your name?", "How old are you?", blah blah blah) that he can't answer they then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him".














Of course that unleashes the mama bear







Usually I can avoid it by wearing ds in the sling (he looooves it and usually refuses to walk in the store). He can bury his head in my shoulder/chest if he feels uncomfortable and I can slap away any hands that are reaching for him









I feel your pain, sister. People are always talking to my nonverbal autistic child, and it drives me nuts. Then they look at me expectantly when he doesn't answer. I just smile and wait for them to ask or to quit freaking talking to my kid. He will smile at them sometimes, sometimes he shrieks and squawks in disapproval. If they ask (a child did once recently), I tell them, he has autism, he doesn't talk yet. If they don't ask, I just let them sit there and babble on at my kid like an idiot.







: My p.a. little stab there.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *augustgirl69* 
My odd used to scream and cry if strangers tried to talk to her or God forbid touch her (we now know she has sensory issues but still...) I used to hold her protectively and simply say "she does not interact with strangers - you are scaring her" and walk away.

Sorry- people say the dumbest things!!

This describes my youngest son who is now 8. He was so beautiful as a baby (and still is!







) with big blue eyes, blonde hair and just so cute. He got alot of attention wherever he went, and people couldnt resist him. He however, hated it, and ould cling to me. Most of the time i understood why people would want a hi 5 from him, or want a wave or for him to say hello. He would cry and most people would be put off by this. What I said most of the time is he isnt comfortable with attention from anyone but his family. His older siblings were, and remain, very protective, and would "stick up for him" even with elderly folks in Walmart.

I believe my son has sensory issues as well. He only likes certain foods, despises certain textures, will wear the same thing again and again. He gags. Takes off his shirt, wont wear a coat because "its too heavy on my skin mommy". stuff like that. He doesnt like crowds.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 







: This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I think it ticks me off so much because ds is almost 3 and people *expect* him to be able to carry on a conversation with them, a stranger, while standing in the grocery line. It aint gonna happen (he has autism, possibly SID- definately sensory issues, and a major speech delay). He *just* (as in yesterday) learned how to say "hi". He hates strangers. He absolutely melts down when those, mostly well meaning, strangers try and touch him (he has the most gorgeous blond curls that old ladies seem to love to try and touch). So when they ask him questions ("what's your name?", "How old are you?", blah blah blah) that he can't answer they then turn to me and ask "What's wrong with him".














Of course that unleashes the mama bear







Usually I can avoid it by wearing ds in the sling (he looooves it and usually refuses to walk in the store). He can bury his head in my shoulder/chest if he feels uncomfortable and I can slap away any hands that are reaching for him









I am sorry you have to go through this. How incredibly rude and insensitive.

Whats so interesting si that my oldest was a social giant at the age of 6 months and would babble and coo at anyone. By the time she was 18 months she could hold and entire conversation and would talk anyones ear off. Sometimes she was downright annoying, especially in the check out line. She just assumed that everyone would want to hear what she had to say, and my heart would hurt when people would ignore my child. Sometimes she would say: "mama, why isnt she answering me?".


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

You know for me it depends on the situation. Sometimes I have these really nice people come up to me and say, oh, your girls are so cute! And then they say hi, smile at them, ext. Both my girls were shy when they were younger so I'd just say "oh they're shy, you know" and most people recognized that right away and sort of backed off with a nice phrase like, your'e so lucky to have such good little girls" or something-not neccesarily what I would have said, but when I know people mean well and aren't being rude, I just let it igo.

However, if someone asked me what was wrong with my child, they'd have another thing coming







: . That is out of line. There are those people who come up to you with the pure intent of causing problems, and that I don't tolerate. If it seems like they're like that I'm pretty rude and just tell them to buzz off. I figure I'm probably never going to see them again, and even if I am, someone has to teach them a lesson. I'd rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not, and one thing I am not is a pushover.


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

I just don't get people who do this kind of stuff. If I'm out and about and a baby starts to engage me (some are such big flirts) I will definitely smile at them and maybe do a little peek-a-boo if I'm standing in line right behind them, as long as they seem smiling and happy. I wouldn't try to talk to them or touch them unless their mama engaged me further than that, and I wouldn't try to engage a child who wasn't being so outgoing.

I dunno what I'd do if someone asked what was WRONG with my child!







:


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## blsilva (Jul 31, 2006)

We get a lot of this. I didn't mind so much with my oldest- he loves people, and will happily chat with them. My youngest, though, likes to get to know people, (even family members) before he opens up. When a stranger comes up to him, I lean close to him, put my arm around him, and, if necessary, block him from the view of the other person. Then I tell that person that he takes time to get used to people, joke about how he even does this with my mom. Most of them will say something about how good this is because he won't be likely to talk to strangers. If they don't, I will.
I think that its important to 1) protect him from the advances (however nice they think they are being) of others, and 2) let the person know, politely, that they need to stop.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aywilkes* 
People have ASKED what is wrong with him?!?! How RUDE!!!


Sadly- it's not uncommon here. I have run into some extremely rude people. I always get comments on how he's "too big" for a sling and I'm "spoiling" him and how "he needs to learn to walk behind you through the store. You're not doing him any favors by carrying him"







: There's been many more (imagine what I got when I nursed him in public places







). I do not care for the town I live in- where spanking is an every day thing, children are treated like a burden, and there are way too many people who don't know how to shut their mouths. I've been asked "Is he deaf or what?" more times than I can count. I've been told ds is a "naughty little boy" because he didn't tell some old crazy lady what his name was when she asked. And heaven forbid ds has a meltdown in a public place







I've been told "you just need to spank him harder" to which I replied that I don't spank. The comment I got was "well, see- that's your problem! Spank him good and hard and I guarantee he'll stop". Riiiiiiight. I'll take that into consideration







:

Blah. Turning into another rant.


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## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

I've been known to say to people like that, "Well, we do teach him not to talk to strangers" and give them a pointed look.

Both my boys are shy, so we get that sort of thing a lot. But now Colwyn's getting older where he'll try to say Hi to people first, and because he's got a quiet voice sometimes, people don't usually hear him. I always feel badly for him, and sometimes say, loudly, "Oh, are you saying Hi to that nice man in the red shirt?"


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## dani76 (Mar 24, 2004)

I tell people that my DD isn't up to performing at the moment. I can't stand when people ask her to do things as if she is some little performer. She doesn't perform on command.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 
Sadly- it's not uncommon here. I have run into some extremely rude people. I always get comments on how he's "too big" for a sling and I'm "spoiling" him and how "he needs to learn to walk behind you through the store. You're not doing him any favors by carrying him"







: There's been many more (imagine what I got when I nursed him in public places







). I do not care for the town I live in- where spanking is an every day thing, children are treated like a burden, and there are way too many people who don't know how to shut their mouths. I've been asked "Is he deaf or what?" more times than I can count. I've been told ds is a "naughty little boy" because he didn't tell some old crazy lady what his name was when she asked. And heaven forbid ds has a meltdown in a public place







I've been told "you just need to spank him harder" to which I replied that I don't spank. The comment I got was "well, see- that's your problem! Spank him good and hard and I guarantee he'll stop". Riiiiiiight. I'll take that into consideration







:

Blah. Turning into another rant.

Man, you live in hell.
















Do you need some autism business cards? I have some I keep in my purse in case of just such a situation, but have yet to use them thank God. You sound like you could use a couple hundred.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Finch* 
Do you need some autism business cards?

I've never heard of these.... but am interested if you have more info!


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

My oldest was very shy. He would hide behind me and I hated it when someone would comment on his personality (especially strangers!). When people would talk to him in this way I'd just answer for him or smile nicely and walk on about my way.









With my youngest child right now she will talk to anyone.







She'll go up to complete strangers and ask them their name, tell them her age, talk about whatever is going on at that moment. She is NOT shy at all.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

1. I say "bye" FOR ds. Or I'll say "Will you say 'bye'?" Then say something like- oh, maybe some other time. I had to work on that myself. Sometimes I'll catch myself trying to "make" ds say or do something. But I fix it right away.

2. People try to say hi to ds too, and he's shy. So I'll say something like "sometimes he takes a while to warm up to people." I try to be very conscious of labeling, but I think that's ok. It's true, sometimes it does. And I say it in a matter of fact way, not in an apologetic way- that took a few times to get right though.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 
I've never heard of these.... but am interested if you have more info!

Oh wow!! You'll love these. There are many different styles:

http://www.danasview.net/cards.htm
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/V...166/acard.html

We bought business card stock at Target (you can get it at office supply stores too) and printed our own out of this model:

http://www.buttonsandmore.com/cards/ulthm.htm

PM me if you need me to print some up and mail them to you.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would just say "well he is (serious) around strnagers but once he gets to know someone he is all smiles and giggles." or really what is wrong with serious? whynot just say "yes" or he does seem to be thinking about something serious right now" of course my inner sarcastic naughty mom would say "Nope. Looks like he just doesn't like you".

I am a checker at a grocery store. part of my job (according to company policy) is engaging the customers including the children in social interaction. if my attempts to engage a child are met with the stare down (I am usually pretty amused by these kids. think baby Stewey from the family guy. His voice and attitude are always ringing through my head when I get the stare. its hard not to start laughing out loud) I just end it with "not in the mood for this strange lady huh? I understand."


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## Z Internet (Sep 23, 2006)

DD is VERY outgoing and we have similar occurences of forced performances. I don't think it has to do with outgoing, shy or autistic children so much as the actions of other adults who just don't think. You can't be responsible for the never ceasing actions of inconsiderate people. I let DD answer people or herself as much as she wants to but if things get weird I step in with a little non excuse like "Yeah, well, ya know . . ." then promptly get to ignoring the other person and talking to DD.


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## Ozzy'sMama (Mar 10, 2006)

Since Oscar was first born, almost every non-family member has made the comment, "boy, is he ever serious." I never liked the label. Didn't settle well with me. At first I used to try and explain what he was really like. They never believed me. I got so frustrated with explaining. Why did I need to explain, you know. After a month or so, I just joked with people about how you had to work for a smile from Oscar. It was kind of true though.

As Oscar aged, he started having serious issues with strangers and even certain family memebers coming into his space or touching him. Most people get the idea from my body languauge not to touch him or back up. Some do it anyway and Oscar just screams "DON'T TOUCH PLEASE" or "NO THANK YOU".

As for all the questions about the babes and what they can do. I was horrible for thinking that a one year old could wave, talk, and walk. When I saw a cute little babe (one that I kind of knew), I'd often ask real naiive questions. Wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. Just trying to figure out what the babe was up to. I loved talking babes except I had no idea what they were all about!!

I can see how sometimes it might be really offensive though. So far, we haven't run into it. Or maybe its just flying over mama's head.

Sara & Oscar (04/11/26)


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Finch- that is perfect! Adding that to my project list. I'm definately going to print some out. I'll educate people one way or another.














:


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## momma2girls (May 6, 2005)

***


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## proudmomof4 (Aug 29, 2006)

A confession in advance: I am a "chitcatting at the register line" type myself. So, I never minded when someone tried to interact with my child in a positive (!) way. In some cases, it could simply be hormones soaring around - after all, babies and toddlers are adorable parts of humankind and absolutely tempting to touch. Just think of that rosy-milky smell and those chubby feet... I've already caught myself smiling and cooing at babies and toddlers, and my youngest one is not even 3 years old!
However, I definitely did resent remarks about my baby being "uncomfortable" in his sling, not being dressed warm enough, dressed too warm or whatever. In those cases, I either walked away or simply stated that I had my reasons.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mothragirl* 
i get that stuff all the time! i think babies this age who are attached are way more interested in observing than interacting (not always, but just my experience).

I think this has way more to do with personality than attachment. Introversion/extraversion is a temperament factor; it's biologically mediated. Differences along this spectrum are evident to trained observers within days or weeks of birth. It's tempting to think that your kid is the way they are because of your parenting, but often their personalities play an equally large role.

(You are aware that about 70% of American babies are securely attached, right? I'm always struck when people on MDC specify "attached babies" as if it's something special or unusual.)


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## momileigh (Oct 29, 2002)

My dd (3) will tell us that she "can't" do such-and-such because "I'm shy." She got this from people who try to strike up a conversation with her and when she doesn't respond, they look at me and say, "She's shy, huh?" So I use "She's just serious" as a retort for her sake. (She has never used "Because I'm serious" as an excuse not to do something.) It is very annoying. But I also don't like it when these people start saying, "Well that's good, you don't want her talking to strangers, that's very smart, you never know these days..." I mean, COME ON. I'd rather she didn't grow up terrified of the world if I can help it! And I don't need you to help me feel better about the fact that she's not all Shirley Temple friendly to you. I'm FINE with who she is. People just don't get it.


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## oregongirlie (Mar 14, 2006)

How about, "He probably doesn't like you. He takes after me like that."


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I guess you just have to try and focus on the fact that for the most part, people are just being nice. I took the bus alot when my boy was little, and people would sit down in front of him and start stupid conversations with him. And he loved the attention, but it annoyed the CR*P out of me! So, I'd just turn sideways and look out the window while keeping him in my periferal vision.

MY biggest problem was when people would TOUCH him. I got SO mad! You see people do things to babies that they wouldn't dare do to an adult (pat his head, stuff like that) and it drove me CRAZY. I'd just think "what if he doesn't LIKE to be touched?!!?! Did you ASK HIM!?!?!" but I also know this was partially because I didn't like it. I just think that too often, people treat kids with less respect than they should; because they're little. I feel like it's bullying!

I'll tell you a story to end all stories: when my boy was about 2-3 mths old, I was on the bus to get food and the baby was sleeping in my arms, and this (rather unkept, kinda dirty) woman got on and started carrying on a 'stupid' conversation with him as if he were awake and responsive (which I kinda ignored); and then; to my HORROR, she leaned over and KISSED HIS FOREHEAD!!!!! I was shocked! I didn't know what to say or do; and it was my stop, so I just kinda got off the bus and walked in a daze back up to my house.







:

I guess some people just never had social lines drawn for them and don't realize their being weird. LoL. It's been three years and this still drives me crazy!


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oregongirlie* 
How about, "He probably doesn't like you. He takes after me like that."

ROFL...so mean, and yet SO FUNNY! Boy, wouldn't THAT feel good!?!?


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I figure every nice person who says hello, and I think, "Give me five" is a way of saying hello, or breaking the ice, is a way of making us better as a community.









:


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