# Dear MIL... response post 18



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I am sorry to inform you that dd(20mo) will not be able to visit your home until you put a childproof lock on the lever door handles you have on your front and garage doors. Dd was easily able to open the lever style on the pantry and the bathroom when we visited yesterday and I remember a time last year when Cousin J (age 2 at the time) walked right out the front door (and nobody knew). I have bought you these lever locks in the past and you never installed them so this time I am completely willing to do it myself. If you don't want me to install these locks we are very happy to have you over to our house, meet at the park or go on a hike together but we will be unable to visit your home until dd is old enough to understand street safety and has the self restraint not to go exploring in the garage or front yard by herself.

Joy

things that I would love to say but will not....

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there

Nope dd can't play with regular brand name play dough or walmart bubbles sorry and even though i said yeah maybe next year that'll be a no too, NOW homemade play dough with organic food coloring(provided by me) sure but neon orange no thanks

DON'T BUY ANYMORE FREAKING TOYS.... I don't care if there is 1 Melissa and Doug and a bunch of other plastic crap the point is WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE TOYS ALL TOYS FROM THIS POINT ON ARE GOING TO GOODWILL







over:

Is my letter too harsh? Would you make any changes? TIA
Peace


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

72 views and nothing... why do people hate me here? I would really love some feedback about my letter am I being to harsh? Do you all just agree and have nothing to say?
Peace


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 








I am sorry to inform you that dd(20mo) will not be able to visit your home until you put a childproof lock on the lever door handles you have on your front and garage doors. Dd was easily able to open the lever style on the pantry and the bathroom when we visited yesterday and I remember a time last year when Cousin J (age 2 at the time) walked right out the front door (and nobody knew). I have bought you these lever locks in the past and you never installed them so this time I am completely willing to do it myself. If you don't want me to install these locks we are very happy to have you over to our house, meet at the park or go on a hike together but we will be unable to visit your home until dd is old enough to understand street safety and has the self restraint not to go exploring in the garage or front yard by herself.

Joy

things that I would love to say but will not....

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there

Nope dd can't play with regular brand name play dough or walmart bubbles sorry and even though i said yeah maybe next year that'll be a no too, NOW homemade play dough with organic food coloring(provided by me) sure but neon orange no thanks

DON'T BUY ANYMORE FREAKING TOYS.... I don't care if there is 1 Melissa and Doug and a bunch of other plastic crap the point is WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE TOYS ALL TOYS FROM THIS POINT ON ARE GOING TO GOODWILL







over:

Is my letter too harsh? Would you make any changes? TIA
Peace

\

I absolutely think that is too harsh. What's stopping everyone from just keeping an eye on the kids? I'm not a big believer in keeping kids "safe" from the world, but rather teaching them how to live in it.

I also don't think that playing with neon orange playdough a few times isn't going to hurt anyone.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I can understand the lever door locks. I've known speedy escape artists. Those handles allow little ones to open doors WAY too early.

Everything else... I realize it's not in the letter, but I really think your expectations are over the top. Grandmas buy stuff for kids. Sounds like she's making an effort with the M & D stuff. And I agree. Some playdough or bubbles won't hurt anything as long as your child doesn't have severe allergies or something along those lines.

-Angela


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

I do not think expecting child locks on doors is unreasonable AT ALL. You never said your LO could never go back just when he's older. The wording might be a LITTLE tiny bit harsh but you are talking about a CHILD.

Oh and playing with neon orange playdough COULD be harmful for certain children and more importantly he's is YOUR child and If you don't want them to be exposed to chemicals and colors then so be it.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

thats the point they will take dd(or my niece) to play and I will be eating or just talking to someone else(sil or bil or fil) and suddenly dd will come to the table/couch and MIL or FIL will be sitting in the play room waiting for the child to come back this happened last year I was feeding my niece at the table and then sent her to the play room (and yelled to mil "J is coming your way") to play with MIL (this was stupid on my part I should have walked her to the play room) and then went to feed dd(3mo at the time) 10 min later MIL comes out of the play room and asks where is J it turns out she had just walked out the front door and was playing in the driveway the next day I brought over lever handle locks for their garage and front doors and they never installed them........ now dd has opened the bathroom and pantry door (they are all the same lever style) and call me silly but I want a little extra precaution

and the neon play dough will not be brought up im picking my battles


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

The lever door handles are scary.

BUT it seems like maybe the bigger picture here is that MIL does not adequately supervise kids. Personally, if it were my child and I felt they were not being adequately supervised, then I would not count on that person to supervise them- EVER. Not for 10 minutes.

-Angela


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## Astoria (May 27, 2004)

I don't think you should write a letter and I don't think "sorry to inform you" is a good phrase to use. I realize you've brought this up before, but the best you can do, I think is for you or your dh to call on the phone and say, we are truly worried about this safety concern and we can't leave our daughter with you until the doors lock properly. (If you are visiting with your daughter, the request is unreasonable, you are capable of watching her and keeping her safe, this only applies if you are leaving her with them.)

Honestly, my inlaws house was not safe enough for me. They frequently left the basement door open and had a long stairway with a cement floor at the bottom. They had other hazards and a casual way of (not)-watching kids. So I never, ever left my kids alone there and I followed them around the house keeping a close eye and I closed the darn cellar door again and again. I would never have considered not visiting her home with my kids though, nor would I have considered bringing these issues up. I just chose not to leave my kids there unsupervised.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

with dh he lives in Japan (military) and all of the kid stuff falls on me anyways.... and personally I don't want to follow dd around the whole time every time we go there (2-3 times a week for 1-5 hours) it just takes any enjoyment I might have gotten out the visit(playing with my niece or talking with my SIL) and really feel they should make a small effort to make their home a bit safer (they don't have any outlet covers, have chemicals under their kitchen sink and no cabinet lock, smoke in the house when there are no children there so it still stinks, barley ever have the heat on so it is absolutly frigid in the winter..... im sure there is other stuff but hey) I already hover in the kitchen and dd hasn't been to interested in outlets and I try to encourage outside activities when we are there to stay away from the residual chemicals...... ugh and on top of it all MIL is hugely passive aggressive and I have a really hard time dealing with it sometimes I almost end up either screaming or crying (normally bitching to my mom after ever visit with MIL)


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## wildhoneypie (Feb 22, 2008)

Ummm... are you my SIL, because I think we have the same MIL? Only the ages of our kids are off so it can't be. Seriously, lever latches, no outlet covers, huge fireplace with brick edges everywhere, breakables and china galore, no cabinet latches, doors open to stairways, no child gates, and me chasing three children all over the house the entire time we are there. And no one understands why I am so tired when we come home and DREAD going over to visit.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

oh yeh i did forget the fire place no gate in front of that either oh and all the blind cords.....


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I think the safety devices are definately not uncalled for. I asked my parents to use the latches on the drawer where the knives are b/c the kids can easily reach that drawer, they have a latch under the sink where the chemicals and outlet covers. They dont really put up the breakables but thats easy to deal with, my kids listen very well when we tell them not to touch this or that.

As far as the toys, I dont see a problem with that. If the playdoh is kept at gma's and he only plays with it on occasion, I dont see a problem at all.

ETA: They do have a fireplace but the girls are usually good about staying off of it so that isnt a concern for me either.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

I think that the letter is ridiculous. Watch your children, and they won't go outside into the street. They do not live at your MIL's house, so she should not have to adjust things as if your child lived there. You wouldn't (or maybe you would, but you shouldn't) expect your friends to do the same, would you? And I mean, the whole playdough thing - while you have every right to restrict what your child is exposed to you have to realize that other people are not your child's parents and they may not share the same opinions or even have the same knowledge about parenting. I think that the majority of people if they were looking for something to buy for a child would probably head to walmart - especially if they don't have small children and need some ideas. And too many toys? REALLY? Isn't it what you do with those toys that matters? And how you interact with your children when they are playing with the toys? As grandparents, if they can't have you over to visit and they can't spoil their grandkids, what role do they get to play at all? I'm sorry, but yes, I think that your letter is WAY too harsh, and probably unnecessary.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I do watch my child but when another adult takes her to play I kinda expect them to know where she is and transition her from adult to adult...... I want these locks as an extra precaution on top of me watching her and would rather inconvenience my ILs than have my daughter in an environment where she could easily walk out the front door(as my niece has done)

ETA: Again the toys,play dough and ignoring of the niece will not ever be mentioned i was just bitching


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## KA29 (Jan 8, 2006)

I understand your frustration because I don't like taking my 2 year old to unchildproofed houses but honestly, I think you are expecting a little much. When I take him to houses that are not childproofed to his level, I don't let him leave my sight. I don't think that I should be able to change locks etc. Apparently, MIL doesn't want to have them or she would have put them up by now.

I think your letter is a bit harsh but perhaps you should try and meet up at your place and parks or what have you. Maybe this is not the season to hang out at MILs. I would just try and talk to her more diplomatically about that.


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

I wouldn't do the letter. I'd just show up with the tools, safety locks, outlet cover, etc and install them. That way I'd avoud the inevitable uncomfortable discussion/conflict and the job would be done.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I bought child safety locks for your front and garage doors on Amazon and they will be arriving next week and I would like to install them asap.... what time is the story time at the library? thursday at 10 right? I would be interested in going to the "Lapsit" toddler story time on tuesdays at 10 that sounds like it would be a better fit for leila..... oh i don't know if i gave you my cell # its blah blah
Peace
Joy
ok this is what i sent i guess i'll talk to her more about not coming over if she refuses.... thanks for all of your input.... peace


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:

<snip>About the locks, when we raised K
and R*(BIL and DH)* we used safety latches on the cupboards at the appropriate age,
because they lived with us. Parent have to watch their children and
accomplish lots of other tasks. As Grandparents we are not responsible 24/7
as parents are. J and Leila visit, and during the visit we devote our
attention to them, teaching them, playing with them and loving them. If they
want to go outside, we go out with them. If they want to look in a drawer, we
look too. We keep them safe and happy...that's what Grandparents do. We
respectfully decline the offer.<snip>
Well I guess I'll have to bring up the time J wandered outside when FIL, MIL and I were all there(I was kinda focused on feeding my dd but still feel horrible) and then explain that I don't feel comfortable with such easy to open doors and that I am sorry that we won't be able to visit their house until dd is older.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I don't know. I think it is unreasonable for someone, say a parent like me, to assume and or mandate that someone else, like my mom, child proof her home. She has no more young children and it would just make life difficult for her.

If I did not trust her to adequately supervise my children, which I don't, I would do all the supervising myself at the visit. It does not matter that it would interfer with MY visit, because that is just part of my being a parent. I am the one to watch them in the stores, when we go shopping, on vacation, at friends houses, at restaurants, and so on. It is just my job. I routinely have my viists interrupted and interfered with, but that is just how it is. I do would not let my mom watch my children without me there, but I would never stop taking my children over for a visit just because she would not child proof the house.

It seems very unreasonable to me. But that is just my experince in that area.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
I would not let my mom watch my children without me there, but I would never stop taking my children over for a visit just because she would not child proof the house.

It seems very unreasonable to me. But that is just my experince in that area.

I'm not asking for childproofing of the entire house just the 2 doors leading to nowhere my dd needs to be alone EVER until she is like 10..... I mean if you could see the "play" room half it is her sewing stuff, they just put a couch that had been in the garage for at least 3 years in the playroom and the fish tank in the room smells like poo (MIL said this herself)


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## artemis80 (Sep 8, 2006)

Sorry, I agree with your MIL.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artemis80* 
Sorry, I agree with your MIL.

why? I get the feeling she expects me to leave dd with her (i actually did for 10min on saturday to run to the store(MIL can't really drive) then dd started opening doors and now I'm worried) especially since J's parents do all the time I would never allow them to drive her anywhere but now that they don't want to use the lever locks I'm not comfortable being there so she will never be there alone.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I understand an unsuitable house. My MIL's house used to be horrid. She had a ferrit that ran loose and they kept small tins of cat litter behind every door, and the thing used to still pooh all over the place. The house stunk. I would cringe every time I took a child over there, and really did not want to go anyways, but we went. I followed behind the babies to make sure they stayed out of the yucky stuff and out of trouble.

My mom's house is totally different. She like it clean. Perfect. And she has about a gazillion glass nick nacks that she HAS to have all over the place. On every table, every shelf, some even on the stairs and on the floor. EVERYWHERE! And she gets really uptight about having them touched. It is not exaclty the same safety issues, but it is close, as they are all breakable and glass. But I just deal with it. My mom does not like to come to my house because it is too "dirty" (meaning it looks like children live there) and makes her uncomfortable.

I don't go over to visit as often as I should, I suppose, but not because of those issues (more because I have a large family and life keeps us on the go a lot).

Perhaps I have just become more "layed back" about it all, having had seven babies running through the house over the years and dealing with this for over eighteen yeas now. But really, if I had waited until either my MIL's or my mom's house was suitable for a baby, I would have not visitied for 18 YEARS! And since I am baking another little one, it would still be a while yet. That is just too long for me to keep the children from visiting. They need to know their grandparents, even if they are not perfect. For the grandparents will not be here forever, and I really want my children to know them before time runs out. You never know what tomorrow will hold and when someone is going to be snatched away. They already missed out on knowing their grandfather, I will not take their grandmother away too.

Anyways, I am not suggesting one way or another for you, just explaining what my experience has been.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
why? I get the feeling she expects me to leave dd with her (i actually did for 10min on saturday to run to the store(MIL can't really drive) then dd started opening doors and now I'm worried) especially since J's parents do all the time I would never allow them to drive her anywhere but now that they don't want to use the lever locks I'm not comfortable being there so she will never be there alone.

This is where I have drawn the line. I don't leave my babies with my mom, or MIL for that matter. Period. If I have to go somewhere I take them.

So, you can visit but not leave the baby. Sounds like the thing to do.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I also guess I don't agree with her

Quote:

J and Leila visit, and during the visit we devote our
attention to them
as I said earlier on Easter she repeatedly ignored J and FIL is a cool guy but I never expect him to give his full attention to dd or J I guess when we were playing Scrabble I got a score of 50 and SIL, BIL and MIL got way over 100 I think that would probably have to do with the fact that I was always more focused on dd and J than the game, because normally I'm pretty good at Scrabble


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

and for my last post of the night

dd is my first and i guess i have "high standards" but she will probably be my only so i really want to do the best i can to keep her out of harms way I am more than happy to facilitate visits(ie pick mil up and go somewhere else) but don't want to feel i'm not doing my best to keep dd safe I also forgot to mention that i have adult ADD (i know its all classified as ADHD now but i'm not really hyper) and when things get chaotic I like to know there are safe guards in place to help me I guess it also doesn't help that MIL and FIL are long time pot smokers and so in order for me to feel i have the situation under control I would at least like to know the order of likeliness of places my dd could be at any point in time(i would like the the garage and front of the house to be at the bottom of that list)


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

I have to agree with the PP's who said that it is not their responsibility to childproof their home for a visitor.

MIL and FIL have a house that we call "The museum" because it's full to the brim of breakables and collectables and all sorts of things that just make me want to run screaming. So, when we're there, we're always around DS. He doesn't go anywhere near the stuff unless an adult is with him. MIL has very expensive porcelain dolls, and the only time DS touched them is when she invited him to. They did borrow a baby gate when DS was smaller for the basement stairs, because there isn't a door to them.

Point is, he's our child, it's our responsibility to watch him and keep him out of trouble. Not MIL's responsiblity to put away her vaulables or modify their house to suit our needs.


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## sarah0404 (May 28, 2006)

Wow. I think she sounds really mean! Its not as if installing two childproof locks on her outside doors is going to ruin her home or make her life difficult. If you are going to have children over regularly I think you should make sure your home is safe for them. (I am not obsessed with child safety. We don't have stairgates or things like that, but I ALWAYS keep my doors locked when I have toddlers around. Once ds opened the front door and ran off down the street - naked!!!)

I think maybe you went about it the wrong way though. Why did you need to send a letter? Couldn't you have talked about it with your MIL? I think if you'd just showed up with the locks and reminded her about the time cousin J escaped and tell her you were worried/stressed that dd might escape too, and asked if you could install the locks then it might have gone better.

p.s - if the grandparents are drug users I would NOT be bringing my child to their home. Or having them watch my child. They could come to ours or we could meet up somewhere for a day out.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
Well I guess I'll have to bring up the time J wandered outside when FIL, MIL and I were all there(I was kinda focused on feeding my dd but still feel horrible) and then explain that I don't feel comfortable with such easy to open doors and that I am sorry that we won't be able to visit their house until dd is older.

You already said you aren't visiting, you don't need to repeat that. They declined the offer, so now you have them to your house or meet at the park, unless you change your mind and relax your standards. You can't force them to do what you want. Now you work within the situation you have.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I have experienced *some* of the things you experience at your MILs at mine so I don't go there w/out DH. I understand that your DH is away and honestly if mine were away, I wound't go over there except for maybe a holiday. There is NO WAY I would be going over weekly. I find it exhausting to take my kids places that I KNOW they are safe forget about not safe. Now that 2 of my kids are older, I will let them stay there w/out me but not DD2 (she's 2.5). MIL is known for just disappearing to nap for hours and not designating the kids to anyone. I'm sure someone here will think I'm horrible but that's me. If it makes ANY difference, my ILs almost NEVER come here and we live about 40 minutes from each other. Good luck!


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

I think you are being a bit over the top and it has nothing to do with hating you. I can't recall reading your posts before. I was not going to post because you seemed to be venting and since I did not agree with your thoughts I didnt want to interupt your vent. Then I saw you were looking for replies.

Your husbands parents don't have to change thier house for you and your child. You also don't have to go over and visit. Nothing you have mentioned seems like a big deal. I have but one dd and I don't want anything to happen to her either, but I don't expect everyone to make thier house a harmless bubble because I visit.
I do expect no smoking, or else I don't visit. All dogs must be child-proofed or I don't visit. I dont expect peole to change thier lifestyles for me though.

If you visit keep your eye on your child.
Also-your MIL telling the other child that she loved them (and took the time to give a hug) but that she was busy, is a heck of a better response than most people rant about. I have certainly told that to my dd when I have been busy- and she was old enough to understand and not in great need of anything.


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## amitymama (Nov 17, 2006)

Sorry, I think you're being pretty rude and OTT towards your MIL. If someone emailed me and INFORMED me that they'd ordered some locks and expected me to install them before they next visited you can bet I'd 'decline' as well. It is not the person whose home you are visiting's job to watch your children while you do X and Y. If you can't trust that they are being watched properly then you'll just have to watch them yourself but you can't expect people to modify their homes to suit your personal preferences.

Oh, and I found your remarks about your niece and the Scrabble game rather strange as well -- you really think she's a terrible grandparent for simply telling a child that she's busy right now, giving a quick hug but not devoting her full attention to her granddaughter when she's in the middle of a game with other adults? I really don't see what's wrong with that. Kids bug adults at inappropriate times all the time, it won't kill them to learn to be patient or wait until later when Grandma or whoever can focus more on them. I don't think that's unreasonable. In fact, I think it's a good lesson for kids to learn. I don't know about you but I don't want kids who expect adults to drop everything for them every single time they open their mouths or want attention. Sometimes kids have to learn to wait for us just like we have to wait for them. It's give and take, not a dictatorship where the child always calls the shots.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

If it's that important to you to be right, proceed. However, you would be burning serious bridges by bringing up past mistakes. Maybe you haven't lost your little one for a second or left something they shouldn't have where they could reach it and they got hurt. It happens, even to the most watchful parent.

As for the Scrabble thing, I've told my kids a million times I was busy, so has everyone else in their life. Kids don't have to be the center of the world to know they are loved. She was busy, she did hug him and love on him.

Tell your mil that the lack of door latches make you nervous, so you'd rather stick around and not run to the store while you visit. Teach your little one to wait for mommy before she opens a door.

If you want to turn it into a huge thing that's your right, but I honestly think you're being ridiculous and causing problems where there are none.


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## Katie Bugs Mama (Feb 1, 2004)

I have to agree with the pp's who said that you are expecting too much from your inlaws. They don't have to (and evidently won't) childproof their house to the point that you can play with your niece, chat with your SIL, and generally unwind a bit. It would be nice if they did, but it's not going to happen.

Your solution is to say that you will not take your daughter to their house any more _even when you are there with her._ Do you realize the level of conflict and resentment that is going to cause with your IL's? IIRC, you have only been back in the states for a week or so. Do you really want to get off to such an acrimonious start with your husband's family?

Maybe you could suggest some sort of middle ground. For example, don't visit so often, if it's stressful for you to have to watch your dd like a hawk during visits. Consider taking a few baby gates to limit your dd's access to unsafe parts of the house.

Also, I've got to say that you really don't seem to enjoy visiting your IL's much, and you come across as extremely critical of them. You don't like their (lack of) babyproofing; you don't like the couch in their playroom; you don't like they toys or even the playdoh that they get your daughter; and you even try to limit your daughter's time inside their house because you are afraid of "residual chemicals." You even classify a hug and a kind word as "ignoring" your niece. Unless you are an academy award winning actor, I'm sure that your IL's have picked up on how much you disapprove of them.

BTW, what does your SIL think of all this? She's the one who's daughter wandered outside, after all. Does she want lever locks on the doors too?


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amitymama* 
Sorry, I think you're being pretty rude and OTT towards your MIL. If someone emailed me and INFORMED me that they'd ordered some locks and expected me to install them before they next visited you can bet I'd 'decline' as well. It is not the person whose home you are visiting's job to watch your children while you do X and Y. If you can't trust that they are being watched properly then you'll just have to watch them yourself but you can't expect people to modify their homes to suit your personal preferences.

I agree with every word of this. And I thought your MIL's reply to you was reasonable and very tactfully-worded.

I have 5 years of experience with a situation almost exactly like yours (subtract the pot-smoking and add in some loaded hunting rifles and cow poop on the kitchen floor). I also have a BIL who has left his son with these grandparents for weeks at a time since he was a tiny infant.

But I would never dream of ordering them to change their home the way that you tried to. It's not my home, and my child is not their child. I choose how often to visit there, and I watch my child every.single.second we're there. I don't imagine that will be changing any time soon.

I also find your statement that you have "high standards because you this is your first, and likely only, child so you want to keep her out of harms way" a little offensive as well. Parents of multiple children work to keep them out of harm's way as well. And they often do that by not trusting their care to others who show themselves to be less than trustworthy. They forego things like chatting with others and running to the store alone in order to watch their children themselves.

It is very clear from your posts that you don't care for these ILs at all. I'm sure both they and your child have picked up on this. If you'd like to continue to have a relationship with them, I think it might be wise for you to realize that you can't (and shouldn't) try to change them. Accept them and their limitations or be prepared to deal with the consequences of alienating them from your child's (and probably your dp's) life.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I don't hate you. I don't even know you









I think you need to calm down. Yes, it would be nice if MIL put childproof locks on the doors. A better idea? While she's there, you supervise her, because a 20 month old child shouldn't be out of your sight in a house other than her own, anyway.

As for the orange playdough, I really, really, really think you need to relax. Really. I'm all about natural, organic, no toxic chemicals, and that took me very much aback.


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## emmasmommy (Feb 26, 2004)

My parents have the same type of doors on their house, and what we did after dd1 learned how to open them was to lock the doors to the outside with the deadbolt, because she wasn't able to reach it. DD2 can open the doors, but so far it hasn't occured to her to go outside without us, but I know it could happen at any time and we do keep an eye her - the house has a very open floor plan so it's easy to see where the kids are. Could this be a compromise?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I think you're in an uncomfortable situation right now. Yuck! I don't agree about the playdough and toys. I do know what you're talking about with inlaws. My inlaws want to do things with my children, but they want me to be there as a babysitter. For example, if they want to go to the zoo with the kids, they want me there too, so I can do the work of watching the kids and they get the experience of the zoo with the kids. Everything is on their terms and mostly an inconvenience to me. If they want to spend time with the kids, I'd like it to be to my advantage from time to time. I'd like to be able to relax or be comfortable enough to leave my children with them and take care of myself for a minute.

When you're there, you'd like to relax, but you're more stressed out than if you were at a park or at home. So visiting them feels like work to you. It's a favor to them at your inconvenience. That's ok sometimes, but when you start to feel like your being used for your children, it feels off somehow.

In your situation, I might send an email explaining that you can't relax at their house, so you'd prefer that they visit your house or go somewhere public. It's about you, not them. You can't relax and you feel that you have to be hypervigilante. Mention that you offered the locks so that you could relax there since you spend so much time there. You understand why they'd say "no," but you also have to respect yourself by not spending time somewhere where you're constantly "on guard."

So, you have picked one heck of a battle, but it might be because it's hard in this circumstance to put your finger on exactly why it bothers you so much.
Good luck.
Lisa


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
In your situation, I might send an email explaining that you can't relax at their house, so you'd prefer that they visit your house or go somewhere public. It's about you, not them. You can't relax and you feel that you have to be hypervigilante. Mention that you offered the locks so that you could relax there since you spend so much time there. You understand why they'd say "no," but you also have to respect yourself by not spending time somewhere where you're constantly "on guard."









:

We don't visit my MIL's house. We live far enough away that it's impratical to go often, but even when we were close it was too much work on my part. S-FIL is elderly and on many many meds and being a childfree house his meds are out and easily available to him. I never sat down, I was never 2 feet away from ds, but all I could think about was what if a pill fell on the floor and ds found it or what if ds pulled the giant glass and metal bookshelf over on himself while I was in the to the bathroom. Too much work.

So we meet out in public places. If we go to visit where they live we stay in a hotel and meet out in public places.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunnySlippers* 
Also-your MIL telling the other child that she loved them (and took the time to give a hug) but that she was busy, is a heck of a better response than most people rant about. I have certainly told that to my dd when I have been busy- and she was old enough to understand and not in great need of anything.

oh no this was a "sigh i know i love you too" "yep im gunna give you a side hug with one arm and then have the other ready to unlatch you and get back to scrabble" it was pretty horrible


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
My inlaws want to do things with my children, but they want me to be there as a babysitter. For example, if they want to go to the zoo with the kids, they want me there too, so I can do the work of watching the kids and they get the experience of the zoo with the kids. Everything is on their terms and mostly an inconvenience to me.

OK, I'm just not getting this at all.

Going to the zoo with your children and their grandparents is an inconvenience? You have no idea how grateful that I would be if my parents (who are almost 80) were healthy and strong enough to go to the zoo with me and my son and share that experience with us.

Is it just because it's family that they are expected to take over the parenting responsibility while the parent has time to relax? And if so, are they allowed to parent and discipline as they see fit since they're in charge during that time? What about visitations to non-family? Are they to take over while the parent sits back?

This is just so completely opposite of my mindset that I'm having a hard time figuring it out.


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ceili* 







:

We don't visit my MIL's house....
I never sat down, I was never 2 feet away from ds, but all I could think about was what if a pill fell on the floor and ds found it or what if ds pulled the giant glass and metal bookshelf over on himself while I was in the to the bathroom. Too much work.

It's too much work for you for your son to have a relationship with his grandparents inside their home? Couldn't you just take your son to the bathroom with you? How does your partner feel about never being in his parent's home?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *l_olive* 
OK, I'm just not getting this at all.

Going to the zoo with your children and their grandparents is an inconvenience? You have no idea how grateful that I would be if my parents (who are almost 80) were healthy and strong enough to go to the zoo with me and my son and share that experience with us.

Is it just because it's family that they are expected to take over the parenting responsibility while the parent has time to relax? And if so, are they allowed to parent and discipline as they see fit since they're in charge during that time? What about visitations to non-family? Are they to take over while the parent sits back?

This is just so completely opposite of my mindset that I'm having a hard time figuring it out.

Well, in my situation, they're both under 55 and completely healthy. I've posted in other threads about them, but they have hurt me many times and I'd rather not spend any time with them at all. They make me feel like a pet. They think that we have too many children (3) and that we aren't strict enough with them. So, I have to spend time with someone who thinks badly of me for thier convenience. So, I can kind of understand how the OP feels.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Katie Bugs Mama* 
BTW, what does your SIL think of all this? She's the one who's daughter wandered outside, after all. Does she want lever locks on the doors too?

I don't think she does BIL had full custody of J at the time but BIL and SIL have since gotten back together(long story) and I'm actually not sure if BIL was told either as I left for Japan very shortly after this happened and he was very busy working although I do know that I immediately went out and got ever locks for the doors after the incident and they were never installed....

Quote:

I also find your statement that you have "high standards because you this is your first, and likely only, child so you want to keep her out of harms way" a little offensive as well.
I knew that would come off as offensive but my 2am brain still thought it was a good idea......... how I meant it was in a similar way to how someone tells a pregnant lady something (i dunno what) and she thinks yeah right i'll never have to do that (i guess like having a high needs baby and nursing constantly or something) ad then ends up doing that exact thing. What I am saying is that I'll probably never understand having to take care more than 1 child and so my views will be different than someone who has more kids.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emmasmommy* 
My parents have the same type of doors on their house, and what we did after dd1 learned how to open them was to lock the doors to the outside with the deadbolt, because she wasn't able to reach it. DD2 can open the doors, but so far it hasn't occured to her to go outside without us, but I know it could happen at any time and we do keep an eye her - the house has a very open floor plan so it's easy to see where the kids are. Could this be a compromise?

I would do this and they do have a very open floor plan and it is pretty easy to keep an eye on her but this is what I did right after the J incident happened and the were continuously unlocked so FIL BIL and MIL could go to the garage or front to smoke and they never relocked them so this is a visible lock that resets its self so the doors to the outside will always be somewhat protected (I realize that no childproofing is 100% but this is a whole hell lot better than nothing)


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
Well, in my situation, they're both under 55 and completely healthy*(pretty healthy MIL has eye issues thus the lack of driving*) ...... So, I have to spend time with someone who thinks badly of me for thier convenience. So, I can kind of understand how the OP feels.


big YUP to this I feel for you too lisa49


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## fiorio (Aug 30, 2006)

I agree that you are out of line expecting your ILs to childproof their home for visits. If they were babysitting your child on a regular basis that would be different, but since you are there it is up to you to keep your child safe. Since your ILs have shown that they do not watch your child closely enough (let her wander from room to room) you need to make sure you do not leave your child alone with them. If you need to use the bathroom, take your baby with you. If you need to go to the store, take your baby with you.

As for the "hug" that your MIL gave J, I think you are being incredibly petty. I have given my son hugs like that when he has come up to me while I'm in the middle of something. Does it mean I don't really love him?

I think it's a little odd that you are willing to arrange visits with the ILs at other places like the park, but not their home. I don't think the park is anymore childproof/safe than your ILs' home! What is the difference? If you can't trust your ILs to watch your child closely enough in their home how can you trust them at the park? You will still need to provide constant supervision, so why not let it be at their home?

It sounds you dislike your ILs or have other problems with them and you are latching (ha ha) onto this issue as an excuse to distance yourself and your child from them.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fiorio* 
I think it's a little odd that you are willing to arrange visits with the ILs at other places like the park, but not their home. I don't think the park is anymore childproof/safe than your ILs' home! What is the difference? If you can't trust your ILs to watch your child closely enough in their home how can you trust them at the park? You will still need to provide constant supervision, so why not let it be at their home?

because i would rather be at the park anyways as i said earlier they smoke in their house when kids aren't there yet we still come home REEKING of smoke....... they also live near one of my old friends who now does a lot of coke and meth and i just realized how freaked out i am to be driving around that neighborhood
because im afraid my ex friend might see me and start trying to contact me....... and a park or the library is a lot less relaxed and I need to be on my guard anyways.....


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## fiorio (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
because i would rather be at the park anyways as i said earlier they smoke in their house when kids aren't there yet we still come home REEKING of smoke....... they also live near one of my old friends who now does a lot of coke and meth and i just realized how freaked out i am to be driving around that neighborhood
because im afraid my ex friend might see me and start trying to contact me....... and a park or the library is a lot less relaxed and I need to be on my guard anyways.....

Okay, then make it about the smoke and how you want to avoid any contact with your ex-friend, not about childproof latches on the door. It is perfectly reasonable to refuse to take your child to a home that reeks of smoke.

ETA: Based on your post then, even if the ILs put childproof latches on their doors, you still wouldn't want to go there because of the smoke. So just be honest and tell them you don't want your child spending time in a smoking home.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

For crying out loud!







:

Treqi, I've been following your thread and your posts. I, for one, do NOT think you are out of line in feeling that your child should be safe when you go to visit your IL's.

I think whether or not you expect their house to be proofed for children would depend on how often you visit. From your posts, it sounds like you visit them fairly often.

When you are close enough to your family to visit them very often, you are more than just a "guest in their house". I'm sorry, I don't understand this forum sometimes, I just had the OPPOSITE arguments thrown at me in another thread about how grandma's house SHOULD be equipped for the grandkids. Sometimes it gets ridiculous in here!

(Ok...simmering down the pregancy hormones...........breathe.......just breathe.....)

Ok. As I said, I know what it's like to be absolutely miserable in some one else's home because of my child, whom, to me, seems to be a tad bit oppositional and difficult. I don't know what your child is like.

But I know mine. Right now, he is CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY testing his boundaries. Constantly. Looking for every power struggle he can find. AS SOON as he were to find I don't want him to go near the door, he'd do exactly that just to play tricks on me. I mean, I DO watch my child. But come on, people! There ARE times when we are visiting when we have to turn around for a SPLIT SECOND, grab a spoon, or use the toilet, or some such. My child LIVES FOR THESE OPPORTUNITIES.

For me, though, the difference is, everyone else in the home is on him like a hawk the moment I turn around for something. He can't get a chance sneak and do something wrong, because other people are actually watching him.

To me, it sounds like this is not the case in your MIL's house. It sounds like her mind is often on other things.

It is very difficult to have to watch a kid ever milisecond of ever minute in some one else's house. There are new "things" a kid can find that you'd never have out available at your own home. You have to watch a kid doubly overtime at some one else's house than you do at your own house, because you know your house well.

If it were MY parents, my mom would have SCARED HERSELF INTO buying a safety doohickey for the door if any of the itty bitty grandkids made it outside by themselves without anyone's knowledge. That's a pretty freaky incident. And she doesn't even live anywhere near a street, she lives way back in the country back away from the road. It's still scary.

For me, and my child, child safety doohickeys = gentle discipline. He's NOT going to stop doing what you don't want him to do until you put up some sort of mechanism there to keep him from doing it. Once he knows he can't do it, then he'll settle down into something he can enjoy.

If it's not there, then visits would become not really worth it, because I would be constantly fighting with him and unable to enjoy myself.

As I said, if it were somewhere were you on occassion, then yes, it would be unreasonable.

But if these people felt it in their heart enough that they see you guys enough to donate a whole room into a play room for the kids, then it's pretty lame and ridiculous and plain mean for them to not put two simple doohickeys on the door for the same kids that they felt it necessary to donate a room to.

It's stupid in imho.

*disclaimer. these words may be tainted with pure hormones."

Anyhow, my $.02


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

It seems that you are looking for reasons to keep you child away from them. Perhaps that is not the intent, but that is how it comes across. You want then to see the baby on your terms only.

Grandparents are important part of families. And sometimes you have to suck it up and do it on their terms. You are not doing this for YOU, and not even necessarily for them, you are doing this for the baby. I believe it is very important for children to know their grandparents. And many times, especially when they are children, I think they need the white washed version.

If it takes cutting out a day at their house so you only spend one day a week rather than two or three, do it. But don't cut them off just because of something so trivial as childproofing.

I don't really think you were looking for comments but really looking for agreement. I think it is wrong.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49*
My inlaws want to do things with my children, but they want me to be there as a babysitter. For example, if they want to go to the zoo with the kids, they want me there too, so I can do the work of watching the kids and they get the experience of the zoo with the kids. Everything is on their terms and mostly an inconvenience to me.

This does seem odd to me. I know you said you have other issues with them, so that does color things for you. But really, why not take the children to the zoo and invite grandparents along? Why does it have to be about you? (I am not intending to be snarky.)

Getting together with family is not always easy, and I NEVER relax and have my guard up constantly. That is life with children. I only relax when I am at home. But I am not going to let that keep me and my children from interacting with others. It is about the children and them building a relationship with the grandparents, not about me.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
This does seem odd to me. I know you said you have other issues with them, so that does color things for you. But really, why not take the children to the zoo and invite grandparents along? Why does it have to be about you? (I am not intending to be snarky.)

Getting together with family is not always easy, and I NEVER relax and have my guard up constantly. That is life with children. I only relax when I am at home. But I am not going to let that keep me and my children from interacting with others. It is about the children and them building a relationship with the grandparents, not about me.

Well, I posted to offer support to the op, but I'll answer your question. At this point and after the last month I've had in my life, I'm so done with self-sacrifice. It doesn't have to all be about me, but it's not going to never be about me either. If you start to feel used in these situations, it's ok to ask for consideration. In my case, they have never watched or offered to watch our children, but they feel that they have a right to my children. They also don't help, but feel that they have the right to criticize.

So, yes, often these things are tainted by other feelings. That doesn't mean that your/my feelings are invalid. It's just hard to pinpoint exactly why your so bothered when there are so many things going on.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
So, yes, often these things are tainted by other feelings. That doesn't mean that your/my feelings are invalid. It's just hard to pinpoint exactly why your so bothered when there are so many things going on.

I totally understand, I have my own issues with my mom. That tends to taint a lot of interactions she has with my children and me. But I do try. I guess that is as good as I can do.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I'm not asking for childproofing of the entire house just the 2 doors leading to nowhere my dd needs to be alone EVER until she is like 10..... I mean if you could see the "play" room half it is her sewing stuff, they just put a couch that had been in the garage for at least 3 years in the playroom and the fish tank in the room smells like poo (MIL said this herself)

Then why go there so often?


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *l_olive* 
And they often do that by not trusting their care to others who show themselves to be less than trustworthy. They forego things like chatting with others and running to the store alone in order to watch their children themselves.


I agree with this. I have been to many social gatherings/events that I have not been able to enjoy the way I would have liked to because I had to watch my child very closely. It's part of parenting a small child. There were times I felt I hadn't had a real comversation with anyone in months, even with a weekly playgroup, because I could not focus totally on a conversation or I'd lose track of my child.

I believe you said you don't want to have to follow your child around every second you are there. Well, if you want to make sure she's safe and the conditions aren't right for safety, that is what you have to do. And you cannot count on other people to make sure your child is safe, make sure they pass them to another adult, etc. These are (mostly, it sounds) people who are not used to being responsible for a child every second. They don't remember, and it's not part of their routine anymore. And for SIL or whoever else has young kids in the family, they may not watch them as closely as you watch your child - different parenting styles and all. Bottom line - no one will ever be as concerned about your child's safety as you are. Doesn't mean they don't care, but it just isn't ingrained in them like it is in you, for your own child.


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## newmommy7-08 (Feb 2, 2008)

I completely agree with the PP who doesn't think the OP is out of line. It is in NO WAY unreasonable to expect that when visiting the childs grandparents the child will be kept safe. I guarantee you that my IL's will have a baby gate, outlet covers and when the time comes SOMETHING that protects LO from opening the doors. Why wouldn't a grandparent do whatever is necessary to keep their grandchild safe?


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## obiandelismom (May 31, 2005)

I think you're just mad cause you lost the Scrabble game.









Really, I hope you figure out a way to work things out with them. I can totally get being exhausted by a visit to an unsafe place, but I don't see why it has to mean you completely stop going - throw them a bone and show up once a week or so, and put chair in front of the door or something when you do. I really think you will regret it if you are unflexible here - as they say, "Is this the hill you want to die on?"


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I think you are overreacting.
Just don't go over as much.
And this is coming from a woman who has had her fair share of IL woes.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
oh no this was a "sigh i know i love you too" "yep im gunna give you a side hug with one arm and then have the other ready to unlatch you and get back to scrabble" it was pretty horrible

Honestly - I think that you should just be glad that she took the time to give a hug - I have read too many stories here of grandparents who can't be bothered to even visit. Be glad that your IL's love their grandchildren but understand that sometimes they might be involved in an activity and cannot at that moment devote complete and undivided attention to a grandchild.

To me it really seems as if you are looking for a reason not to visit, if you don't like visiting that's your right but don't blame it on their lack of childproofing. It is their house, their children are grown, maybe they like their doors as-is. instead of refusing to visit until your child is older why not just make sure that either you or your SO are with your child at all times while visiting, that should solve the problem of the doors. If you feel that the IL's will not sufficiently watch your child alone then don't leave her there alone with them.

Honestly, it sounds like your IL's love their grandchildren. If they choose to leave their house as-is then so be it. Your child will be just fine, just keep a closer eye on her while she is near the doors.

And FWIW my DH used to eat play dough as a child and while I am sure he had techicolor poops he suffered no ill effects from playing with even the funky colors.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

I think you're just looking for people to agree with you.

So go right ahead, do whatever you would like to do.

You are the mum, after all. Nothing any of us say should have any bearing on it anyway.


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## editmom (Dec 6, 2006)

I am 100 percent with KIDSAPLENTY Well said and I do know life is too short. Watch your dear babies as accidents happen and love the inlaws as life is oh so short. and peace


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## editmom (Dec 6, 2006)

I just asked my mil who is a strict city woman who said that she would absolutely install the cupboard locks and the door handles to protect the children. She also stated that several years ago when DH was small she put locks on where the meds and chemicals were. We are talking about 1957. But the rest thats on your mind, just vent, don't send.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *editmom* 
I am 100 percent with KIDSAPLENTY Well said and I do know life is too short. Watch your dear babies as accidents happen and love the inlaws as life is oh so short. and peace

Excellently put in one simple sentence!!!


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *l_olive* 
It's too much work for you for your son to have a relationship with his grandparents inside their home? Couldn't you just take your son to the bathroom with you? How does your partner feel about never being in his parent's home?

Yes, in fact it is. Not everyone has a great relationship with their family/extended family. My parents went out of their way to bring me to my grandparents, but I knew even as a young child that my grandparents did not put much effort into their relationship with me. They never came to visit and it wasn't because they were housebound. They were world travelers, but their time with me was on their schedule and at their convience and as an adult I still resent that. My MIL is much the same way. She is active, she travels, but the only time she bothers to come visit us is if it happens to be on the way to somewhere else and she expects us to be available at a moments notice.

As for Dh, when we were visiting at MIL's house he would frequently "check-out" and spend most of his time on the computer. We all spend more time actually interacting with each other when we're out somewhere. It works for us, ds gets to spend time with his grandmother doing something fun and I'm not a crazy nervous cranky wreck for an entire weekend. And of course they're always welcome to visit us, though they rarely do.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

So... your DH is out of the country, you don't really like your in-laws that much... and you visit them 3x a week, for 1 to 5 hours at a time? Why?

I LIKE my inlaws, and I could never spend that much time with them. They're nice people, but they drive me batty after awhile.

I don't think you need to create an issue about this, (door latches or otherwise), just don't go over there so much if you don't like it. What's the big deal?

Sure, grandparents are important, but I don't think 3x a week visits are necessary, especially not if they make you uncomfortable, and clearly they do.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

What I don't understand is, why is it so important for the OP to take her child to the grandparents house? (Arguments on grandchildren HAVING to spend time with less than stellar grandparents aside...) She is willing to stretch out her hand and engage them with the grandchild in various other activities in other locations...is this so wrong?

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the OP say she's willing to arrange visits for the grandparents at her own house where she feels more comfortable and other locations?

Personally I don't think the park (if it's anything like my local park) is "less safe" than at a house. We have a wide open park, no little nick nacks to knock over, fresh air, and wide open spaces. I often let my child run there because he can run and run and run for long distances where I can still clearly see him. Zoos and so forth usually have spaces away from roads where kiddie can run and climb and be ok. To my, wide outside open spaces away from roads always seem safer than inside of the house, nooks and crannies where my child can hide, and stuff and bric-a-brac to knock over and get into.

I can totally understand how the op can feel more comfortable meeting the grandparents at a different location.

It's not like she's trying to find excuses to cut out the grandparents (and if there were justifiable reasons for that, I wouldn't be against that either.) She's trying to meet them halfway. Why is everyone down her throat?

..........
..

..
..

.........or did I read something wrong? (Going back over the previous posts again.........this thread is confusing to me...







: )


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
<snip>
I guess when we were playing Scrabble I got a score of 50 and SIL, BIL and MIL got way over 100 I think that would probably have to do with the fact that I was always more focused on dd and J than the game, because normally I'm pretty good at Scrabble

Girl... who plays Scrabble in a place where they are worried about safety issues?

I gotta go with the pp who queried your reasoning when you stated you don't wanna have to be on constant vigil in their home, but you'd go to a park (where you have to be on watch even more so), dragging MIL off to a place she might not be comfortable, just so she can have some time with her grandbaby... Either way, whether it's the park, or the IL's place, you're on-the-clock mama. The job doesn't stop just cuz other grown ups are around... sometimes that actually makes it harder, because (especially with ADHD, speaking as a mama with ADHD...) it's easy to slip into that "Oh-So-and-So-will-watch-her" trance... I can sympathize...

But it seems like you're making mountains out of issues you could treat as mole-hills...

Sounds like there are a variety of issues making the IL's place undesirable, (not the least being the possibility of running into the ex-friend on drugs... which, if you did, couldn't you just walk away? What's the fear of running into the ex-friend?) and yet you spend 1-5 hours there as many as 3-4 days a week? Do I have that right? Why do you go over there so much? You don't seem to care much for them, is it to give dd time with the grands? Are you looking for social-time with grown-ups?

*treqi*, I think maybe some of this is part in parcel with being a 1st-time mom of a toddler... and less about your IL's. I mean they are who they are, and your having a child won't change who they are. You are just more acutely aware of their idiosyncratic faults than you may have been before... but what the situation really calls for is (IMO... and it's a wacky one...):

CHILL OUT. We have a lot less control than we'd like... work with what you've got.
Weigh out the pro's and cons of frequent visits to IL's.
Get CREATIVE. Come up with, or be open to new and alternative solutions to the issues you find fault with.
Would you consider opening up a dialogue with IL's to brainstorm ideas that are mutually agreeable, in order to resolve the safety issues?

Someone said a chair infront of the door... I have seen folks put a bell on the door so that when the run-about-child opened it, all folks could be alerted... what about a note that says "Please remember to lock the door on your way in after smoking" so folks do the deadbolt back up...

There are solutions.

You're holding on really tightly to the "either-or" solutions; "either put the locks on, or we don't come over" and you are sure that will work...? What if you got the locks on, you got your way, and then a NEW safety concern revealed itself... would the battle be back on?

What would happen if you released the "either-or" solution you're hangin onto, a little, and tried some other options?


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## basilisa76 (Jul 31, 2007)

Visiting family is not easy, at least it has never been for me. I understand your issues with smoking but honestly, I think the ex-boyfriend and friend add to the equation.

If you can forget about the "other" people near your ILs, then maybe just go there for a shorter period of time and stay with your kids (so you can supervise that there is no smoking around them) and share an activity together (pre-school type of activity). The park sounds like a good idea to me, contact with nature is always important!

Gigi


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

I can totally relate to the OP. I find it exhausting to visit other people's homes when I'm constantly chasing after the kids, protecting them from the unchildproofed dangers of other peoples homes and protecting the homes and things of the people we're visiting. Of course as a parent it is my responsibility to care for my children (it's my most important job), and to foster certain relationships within the family. It's a hard thing to juggle.

I am lucky. We visit both my parents and my MIL a lot (once a week or so) and they both, w/o me even asking, childproofed their homes. I'm talking door locks, cabinent locks, gates, the whole nine yards. They wanted their homes to be comfortable and relaxing for our family. They wanted to make it so we wanted to come over and spend time with them.

Let me just throw out some child proofing suggestions that aren't permenant. Tension gates are great. They can be put up when needed, taken down when unused and easily stored. Removeable cabinent locks can be found at Target. Just buy a handful, put them on the dangerous drawers or cabinents when you get there and take them off when you leave. Throw them in a drawer for next time. Sometimes, my mom even uses ponytail holders to wrap around cabinent knobs. Lastly, the doors. These can be tricky. My parents have a pool and I insist the toddler gate around the pool be up. They have levers on all of their doors and even my 1 yo knows how to unlock and open the doors to the pool. But we also bought these alarm things at Walgreens. They just stick on the top of the door and when the door is opened, an alarm or beep sounds. They're about 3 inches long and barely noticeable. They can also be turned off so there is no alarm or beep for the times the kids are not there.

I see no reason why a compromise can't be made. Sure, they watch your kid when they have him (sorry, can't remember if you have a girl or boy) but we all know what can happen in an instant with your back turned. Hell, it happens all the time to responsible, attentive parents. If they are unwilling to help keep your kid safe, then I agree. Visits at your home or a public place are the way to go. I would hope they would want you to feel that your child is safe in their home.

Good luck.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
Sounds like there are a variety of issues making the IL's place undesirable, (not the least being the possibility of running into the ex-friend on drugs... which, if you did, couldn't you just walk away? What's the fear of running into the ex-friend?) and yet you spend 1-5 hours there as many as 3-4 days a week? Do I have that right? Why do you go over there so much? You don't seem to care much for them, is it to give dd time with the grands? Are you looking for social-time with grown-ups?

With he friend I'd rather not ever see her I don't want her to know I'm back into town and I don't want her to start trying to contact me through other people (I just found out about this coke and meth issue and was actually planning on hanging out with this friend)..................

My parents push me to go over there (I'm staying with my parents and will see them A LOT even when I move in April) even with all the issues (smoking cigs and pot, lack of child proofing). I don't want my husband to get mad at me for neglecting to see his parents and I think they expect me to come over a lot because SIL used to come over every day. I like to see SIL and BIL but would much rather hang out with my other friends or just see them by themselves but would like to at least be able to feel safe in their home especially in this transition period from Japan (time change, altitude change, eating schedule change)


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## *Aimee* (Jan 8, 2007)

Well, kinda the same situation but its my mom. Her house is pristine and covered in glass breakables. We had Merry Maids come over and so we went to her house while she was at work for a few hours. When we got there I was horrified. We've only been there a few times (last time her dog bit my son and then he spilled WATER on her couch and she freaked out). First he pulled everything off the fridge and threw it on the ground, so while I was picking that up he came over to show me that he had some of that beach glass stuff in his mouth, oh about the size of a nickel. Then he ran from me while I tried to catch him and get it out. Then he picked up a big marble ball and threw it at her tv. Luckily it didn't make it. While I was running around picking everything up and putting it out of his way he brought me a big bottle of thyroid medication. With the lid half off. So I put that up and we went to the zoo. I'm almost 9 months pregnant and it was a lot of stress for me. She also has two knife drawers at his eye level.

I put everything up and then came back over two days later for Easter and she'd put it all back, so we went through it again.

Honestly, its too much work for me. She says that she'd baby proof if we were there more, but we're not there because its too hard. She's very spacey and I can't ever trust her alone with him in that house. So we don't go anymore. She's more than welcomed to see us here at our house or at the park. As long as one of us is there to supervise (me or DH).


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

I'm beginning to get a better idea of your situation.

It sounds like you are really commited to your husband, and really committed to family. That's admirable.

You have made it a priority, and you have been flexible where you can be, in regards to time with them.

I bet it isn't too far off the mark to suggest that an array of solutions (temporary ones that MIL doesn't have to fret about, but dependable enough that you can feel secure) is just around the corner.

I had some similar issues with my own mom, recently, and had to have a heart to heart with her about how my feelings are important, and I really wanted to enlist her help in resolving my concerns... What if you were to pose it to her like that? Something like (my conversation with my mom was very similar to this):
"I am committed to cultivating a strong relationship with you and continuing to visit and spend time with you guys in order that dd gets as much grandma time as possible. I am at a loss as to what we can do about the safety concerns I have. (making sure to use "*I*" to own your concerns, and "*WE*" to reflect that you want her help) The lever locks were the best idea I could come up with. But I can understand why you would be reluctant. I have been given a few other ideas from some friends, too, that are more temporary, might be more appropriate for our situation. (again using "*OUR*" to reflect that it is something you want to work _with_ her on). Would you consider talking with me about something we can both feel comfortable with? My concerns are real, based on what happened last year (that was scary) as well as just being a new mommy... so I would really like your help in coming up with a plan that won't put you out but will allow me to totally relax with you when I'm at your place withh dd. What do you think?"


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I am shocked that your ILs wont put 2 stinkin guards on those doors. It smells like a power game to me; like when my MIL refused to put DD's car seat in properly b/c she didn't want me telling her how do it (she lost babysitting privliges immediately)
When my niece and 2 nephews were little my parents, who have a pool, installed a special alarm on the door to the pool...a special adult reach only latch, an alarm at night for things that would fall into the pool, and some other kind door guard b/c my youngest nephew was /is WILD and takes crazy risks.

they never said, "oh watch your kids better" A child needs to protected fro the street (maybe not orange play Doh so much







) but the street , "yes"


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i only skimmed the thread, but from what i've read of your description of the circumstances, i don't think your request is that out of line. it's not like you're demanding that they childproof their entire home. you've identified a hazard (as evidenced by the other little one that had opened the door...thank goodness everything was ok!!) and imo a door to the outdoors that can be opened by a toddler is pretty high up in my book of things that need to be dealt with for safety reasons. you haven't asked them to make a major or permanent change to their home...they can even put the latches on only when your child is there and take them off at all other times, and that shouldn't be a big deal to them. their reply to your email, though superficially civil, is pretty rude if you think about it. you're trying to facilitate a safe environment for your child and they "decline", then rub it in your face that other children are there without a problem, and that's pretty emotionally manipulative and immature. instead of suggesting a mutually satisfactory solution (as well as SAFETY!!!), they throw a guilt trip at you.

ugh.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Thats one of my biggest problems.... if dd had walked out the front door my dad would have immediately gone and gotten a childproofing device, even when we are no longer living here all of my parents chemicals will stay out of reach, the banister in the front room will still have an ugly white child proofing net, th ere will always be outlet covers and there will always be a gate at the top of the stairs.... so asking my MIL who is in her FORTIES (I don't think I made that clear before) and will not be confused or not have the strength to unlock this device Here it is on Amazon and this is the one I bought immediately following the J incident..... the one I'm getting this time is uglier but easier to install and the one I got last time is harder to install but is less noticeable


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

oh thank you kidspiration you saw it too!!!!!! some others in this thread said her reply was kind and polite to my rude message (the message in the OP was never sent)


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

i can't read the whole thread but iv'e read a few posts in their entirety and skimmed the rest.

what if you just bought a couple "baby gates" and brought them with you when you went over for a visit. it doesn't sound like the whole house is just terrible. it's just a few places right? your ILS will no doubt think it's nutty but you could show up with something to block the "problem doors" and a bike lock for the cabinet doors. just pop em on and say it's to help you b/c your ADD.

it is completely unreasonable to insist that other people do things to their home for your child, however mot family will make allowances as far as etiquette is concerned for a first time mom with "high standards". they baby gate thing might get an eye roll but at least the problem will be solved and nobody will have to talk about/argue over/resent anything anymore. also, i think it might work better than informing someone via e-mail that you have purchased a large, unsightly semi permanent when installed product for their house and plant to set it up on your schedule.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I see that Im in the minority, but Im coming down on the op's side. I dont get the attitude that grandparents are soooooooooo important that its somehow the parents job to ensure that relationship even if the grandparents dont and wont.

I almost never, never, never go to my mothers home. Yes, she has stated her position absolutely clearly that she has raised her kids, done her tour of duty so to speak and now its her god given right to have a house full of breakables, above, at and below eye level to a toddler. Shiny, pretty ones that attract. And shes a total neat freak. And thats all ok, and she IS entitled to that. BUT......... I have three, count them THREE under four and it is not even remotely possible for me to sit on top of all three every single second. So....as they say, shit happens. When it does, when a plant gets knocked over or milk spilled on the table, my mother wails and screams and cries and carries on like someone has died while my children stand by with wide eyes looking guiltily confused.

So while she has the total right to a pristinely clean, sterile house with more knick knacks that the pottery barn.........I have an equal right to choose not to visit with my children because yes, it is too much work! She could child proof her home for her grandkids, she doesnt have to, but she could if that were what was important to her. It isnt. Maybe I was spoiled by my ex's parents who not only babyproofed but devoted an entire room to the grandkids and put treehouses and trampolines and swimming pools in the yard for them. Their grandkids were their first priority and I have never doubted, even through divorcing my ex, how much they love my oldest son. Heck, they even kinda dote on the three I have with dh! But I digress....

You see, its a simple matter of choices. My mother chooses her house the way she has it now over us coming over more often. I have flat out told her, politely, thats its just too much work. If Im nursing the baby and the three year old spills milk, I cant jump up right that moment to clean it up. And thats when she says "You shouldnt have had more than you can take care of" just as, when shes givng them the milk, she says, "you have to sit at the table at MY house, you cant just do whatever you want like mommy lets you" so I also dont appreciate the digs at my parenting skills much less insulting me to my own childrne who happen to love me and not because they are let to do whatever they want (this is based on cosleeping and ebf, which my mom thinks I should "just be the parent and tell them no, the word no wont kill them") Oh, arrrgh. anyway. But it really IS ok for me to say no, to her!

She wont come here. We live 15min apart and she says she'd come over if we "didnt live so far away". Huh? She ALWAYS wants me to come there, so yes, she wants to enjoy them at her convienance and my expense. I cannot relax over there, its more work than gong to walmart with all three of them and I just wont do it anymore. She never comes here. Never. She cant handle the mess (read: house with three under four and three over 15 plus the adults!)

I invite her places all the time. "We are on our way to Mcondalds, want me to stop and pick you up?", "We are on our way to the park that is two blocks from your house, want to come join us?" etc. and etc. She almost always says no. Her reasons? Laundry, house cleaning, hair washing (not kidding), bathing, changing the litter box. Because God forbid she stop cleaning for two freaking seconds. Although, she does spend hours everyday out shopping at thrift stores or the mall.

She quit work several years ago, so she has time, she doesnt choose to spend it with us.

So....to recap, she wont come to my house, never meets us anywhere else, turns down my invitations to pick her up and wont modify her house an inch. Now tell me why its my job to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to create and maintain HER relationship with my kids? Not feeling it. Grandparents CAN be important, but the simple fact of DNA doesnt mean Im obligated to do all the work. A litte give and take would be nice.


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## OhDang (Jan 30, 2008)

No offence, but i think you're being a tad overprotective and a little rude. They are grandparents and have raised children themselves, i think they know what they are doing. I think it depends on how much your child is over there. and if you feel like she might run out the door, then don't give her enough time to run out the door.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
*treqi*, I think maybe some of this is part in parcel with being a 1st-time mom of a toddler... and less about your IL's. I mean they are who they are, and your having a child won't change who they are. You are just more acutely aware of their idiosyncratic faults than you may have been before... but what the situation really calls for is (IMO... and it's a wacky one...):

CHILL OUT. We have a lot less control than we'd like... work with what you've got.
Weigh out the pro's and cons of frequent visits to IL's.
Get CREATIVE. Come up with, or be open to new and alternative solutions to the issues you find fault with.
Would you consider opening up a dialogue with IL's to brainstorm ideas that are mutually agreeable, in order to resolve the safety issues?

....
What would happen if you released the "either-or" solution you're hangin onto, a little, and tried some other options?

Not "wacky" at all. I think this makes perfect sense. Treqi, I agree you should try to find some grey areas, instead of seeing only black and white. Instead of insisting on changing your ILs, work with what you have. You made your own good suggestions - go there less often and instead invite them to your place or to a play ground.... Good luck.


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

quoted from Treqi:

"with dh he lives in Japan (military) and all of the kid stuff falls on me anyways.... and personally I don't want to follow dd around the whole time every time we go there (2-3 times a week for 1-5 hours) it just takes any enjoyment I might have gotten out the visit(playing with my niece or talking with my SIL) and really feel they should make a small effort to make their home a bit safer (they don't have any outlet covers, have chemicals under their kitchen sink and no cabinet lock, smoke in the house when there are no children there so it still stinks, barley ever have the heat on so it is absolutly frigid in the winter..... im sure there is other stuff but hey) I already hover in the kitchen and dd hasn't been to interested in outlets and I try to encourage outside activities when we are there to stay away from the residual chemicals...... ugh and on top of it all MIL is hugely passive aggressive and I have a really hard time dealing with it sometimes I almost end up either screaming or crying (normally bitching to my mom after ever visit with MIL)"

These people sound awful. I don't like them already. Reduce exposure to them, and find a wonderful other activity to replace those visits with. You can invite the grands sometimes, and to their invitations, learn to say, "I have to decline." Use that word, to help you remember when you're being buttonholed to do something you really need to think about before you decline.

I DEE-CLINE to accept your offer to visit your house right now.

Good luck. Don't be annoyed by posts from people who clearly don't know how it is with a narcissist nearby on the family tree. Not that your inlaws are narcissists, but I bet they KNOW some. Hah

Viewfinder


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## Needle in the Hay (Sep 16, 2006)

Treqi,
I think you are right to want those locks on. You see a real risk and your gut is telling you that you need to reduce that risk. I'd sit down with MIL and just explain that you are not trying to be difficult but you worry about your DD getting outside or into the garage.

I don't think it's just a matter of "watching your kids". Kids are fast and you might think they went into the other room and by the time you realize they didn't and open the front door they could be in the street. You are not being unreasonable, or paranoid, or overprotective or rude.

You are hardly asking them to childproof their whole home--though I do think grandparents should at least make a minimal effort. When my DS was 2 the door to outside at my MIL's house was often left wide open. I didn't ask, I just closed it. A sharp knife on an end table, I moved it up. Later MIL called because her partner couldn't find his knife. I just said to tell him to go where it was and then look up and it should be around there somewhere. Leave a knife out when you know kids are coming to stay for a few days, then you can expect it will get put up.

Your spouse is far away, I can totally see why you go over to your MIL's house and why, yes, you would like to relax a little bit over there. Going over there should take a little bit of the load off you. If MIL goes into another room to play with DD you should be able to enjoy that break and not worry that your DD is going to be able to wander outside.

Good luck. I don't think you are being unreasonable but I would try to reason nicely with MIL and FIL one more time and if they still "respectfully decline your offer" then they are the ones making the decision.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Anglyn* 
I see that Im in the minority, but Im coming down on the op's side. I dont get the attitude that grandparents are soooooooooo important that its somehow the parents job to ensure that relationship even if the grandparents dont and wont.

I almost never, never, never go to my mothers home. Yes, she has stated her position absolutely clearly that she has raised her kids, done her tour of duty so to speak and now its her god given right to have a house full of breakables, above, at and below eye level to a toddler. Shiny, pretty ones that attract. And shes a total neat freak. And thats all ok, and she IS entitled to that. BUT......... I have three, count them THREE under four and it is not even remotely possible for me to sit on top of all three every single second. So....as they say, shit happens. When it does, when a plant gets knocked over or milk spilled on the table, my mother wails and screams and cries and carries on like someone has died while my children stand by with wide eyes looking guiltily confused.

So while she has the total right to a pristinely clean, sterile house with more knick knacks that the pottery barn.........I have an equal right to choose not to visit with my children because yes, it is too much work! She could child proof her home for her grandkids, she doesnt have to, but she could if that were what was important to her. It isnt. Maybe I was spoiled by my ex's parents who not only babyproofed but devoted an entire room to the grandkids and put treehouses and trampolines and swimming pools in the yard for them. Their grandkids were their first priority and I have never doubted, even through divorcing my ex, how much they love my oldest son. Heck, they even kinda dote on the three I have with dh! But I digress....

You see, its a simple matter of choices. My mother chooses her house the way she has it now over us coming over more often. I have flat out told her, politely, thats its just too much work. If Im nursing the baby and the three year old spills milk, I cant jump up right that moment to clean it up. And thats when she says "You shouldnt have had more than you can take care of" just as, when shes givng them the milk, she says, "you have to sit at the table at MY house, you cant just do whatever you want like mommy lets you" so I also dont appreciate the digs at my parenting skills much less insulting me to my own childrne who happen to love me and not because they are let to do whatever they want (this is based on cosleeping and ebf, which my mom thinks I should "just be the parent and tell them no, the word no wont kill them") Oh, arrrgh. anyway. But it really IS ok for me to say no, to her!

She wont come here. We live 15min apart and she says she'd come over if we "didnt live so far away". Huh? She ALWAYS wants me to come there, so yes, she wants to enjoy them at her convienance and my expense. I cannot relax over there, its more work than gong to walmart with all three of them and I just wont do it anymore. She never comes here. Never. She cant handle the mess (read: house with three under four and three over 15 plus the adults!)

I invite her places all the time. "We are on our way to Mcondalds, want me to stop and pick you up?", "We are on our way to the park that is two blocks from your house, want to come join us?" etc. and etc. She almost always says no. Her reasons? Laundry, house cleaning, hair washing (not kidding), bathing, changing the litter box. Because God forbid she stop cleaning for two freaking seconds. Although, she does spend hours everyday out shopping at thrift stores or the mall.

She quit work several years ago, so she has time, she doesnt choose to spend it with us.

So....to recap, she wont come to my house, never meets us anywhere else, turns down my invitations to pick her up and wont modify her house an inch. Now tell me why its my job to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to create and maintain HER relationship with my kids? Not feeling it. Grandparents CAN be important, but the simple fact of DNA doesnt mean Im obligated to do all the work. A litte give and take would be nice.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I am shocked that your ILs wont put 2 stinkin guards on those doors. It smells like a power game to me

I think in some respects you're right, but the OP is playing the power games, too. Plus, once there's a potential solution, then there are more and more and more problems that come up with the ILs. If they're that bad, then avoid them and be done. If they'd okayed the locks, then would she say she doesn't want them smoking in their home and she doesn't want MIL's sewing stuff in the play room (I don't even understand that gripe...) and then something else and something else. Then there's this issue with the neighbors that I don't quite get either, but I don't have significant experience with people who use coke or meth. I just don't understand how now these people being neighbors is contributing to not going to the ILs, and there's certainly nothing the ILs can do about that.

I'm guessing MIL knows it would be one problem after another. I also think they're probably resisting because it's sudden. You're really newly back from Japan, right? Maybe you all need to take a deep breath and get your bearings before you head down this road. Just take a few days not to see them and then go from there. We've had to do that with my ILs. In general, they're great, but we went through a period when we saw them so often, little things started driving me nuts. I really had to step back and take a break to get a clearer view on things.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I think in some respects you're right, but the OP is playing the power games, too. Plus, once there's a potential solution, then there are more and more and more problems that come up with the ILs. If they're that bad, then avoid them and be done. If they'd okayed the locks, then would she say she doesn't want them smoking in their home and
*Nope I'll put up with the smoking and everything else I can manage that thi isn't really a power game for me at all I see an honest to goodness problem and I would like it fixed so I can focus on keeping dd away from everything else(the sewing the outlets and cleaning chemicals)*

she doesn't want MIL's sewing stuff in the play room (I don't even understand that gripe...)
*Then you have ever seen my MILs sewing "table" it is seriously a huge load of sewing stuff (little poofs with needles stuck in them, fabric, scissors, other craft stuff and then just bunches of stuff on the floor I dont even know whats there). Its horribly unsafe. This womans house is nowhere near neat*

and then something else and something else.
*Nope nope I'll let house modifications rest after this well unless they change something but I dunno......... she really is a bully and when it comes to other things like what I feed dd and apparently (SIL told me this yesterday) disciplining dd in her home(we're not talking about spanking or time out here MIL told SIL "don't discipline J in my home" this was after J had slapped MIL and SIL took her for a break and to talk to her about the situation) she always has something to say*

Then there's this issue with the neighbors that I don't quite get either, but I don't have significant experience with people who use coke or meth. I just don't understand how now these people being neighbors is contributing to not going to the ILs, and there's certainly nothing the ILs can do about that.

*Yeh I know.... its the fact that I was friends with these people up until a week ago and now I've found out about their new drug using and don't want them to see me and try and contact me but again there is nothing anyone could really do about that anyways*

Bolding mine


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

What I'm beginning to not undestand, treqi, is why you are continueing to argue with posters here who don't agree with you, while you completely ignore other posters who totally understand your viewpoints and are offering you suggestions.

I get it. Other people here get it. Try some of the non-doohickey door blocking suggestions folks here have suggested. Try talking to them face to face again if you want.

If they don't get it, then there is really no obligation to carry your dd over there to a place where you can't trust she'll be safe....or either drastically reduce your visiting times and occassions.

I dont' understand why the argument must go on and on and on.....I was following this thread, but it's starting to get tiring. Exiting, stage right.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I havent read all teh responses, but I can appreciate how difficult it is to keep a child safe in someones un-babyproofed house. However, I dont think anyone is obligated to install locks or anything else because your child visits.
I also think you need to relax about the neon play dough. Its just not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.


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## FancyD (Apr 22, 2005)

You're okay with them smoking in their house (around your child?), but neon playdough is a problem?


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FancyD* 
You're okay with them smoking in their house (around your child?), but neon playdough is a problem?

I try to keep dd outside but thats something I can't change......

Well she's not talking to me right now so compromising isn't an option but a gate might work.

In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I try to keep dd outside but thats something I can't change......

Well she's not talking to me right now so compromising isn't an option but a gate might work.

In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........

Honestly, now I am confused - if you try to keep your DD outside while visiting so that the smoking is not an issue then in reality the door locks and the sewing stuff really shouldn't matter either because both of those issues are inside the house as well.

It really is becoming apparent that the real issue you have with this house is its residents. If you don't want to visit your in laws while your husband is away then by all means tell them to visit you at your house, that it will be easier that way until your DH returns home and can be a second set of eyes while visiting.


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## RoadWorkAhead (Sep 8, 2005)

I'll skip reading the rest of the posts implying how wrong or rude it is. IN my family, you childproof when the grands are frequently around. Period. Or we don't come visit because is visiting you means high stress for me, why would I?? If I can't take a break at all b/c your house is a huge danger zone, then I would rather stay at mine that I know is safe. My dad, my mom and my ILs all have some amount of child proofing. My mom had the most when she saw DS several times weekly. My dad has a fair bit, and my ILs have some. And my ILs have the best set up for keeping DC insside and safe. Heck, if asked or even hinted at, my dad's ex wife would happily baby proof anything in her home so my kids could come over. Frankly, lever locks are easily installed and easily removed between visits, so put em on when they arrive and pop them off when they leave. Call me mean, I'm fine with that, but if I'm going to be over the top stressed its not going to be so that you can see your grandkids.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
Honestly, now I am confused - if you try to keep your DD outside while visiting so that the smoking is not an issue then in reality the door locks and the sewing stuff really shouldn't matter either because both of those issues are inside the house as well.

She still is inside quite a bit prolly 2hrs of the visit(3hr visit would be normal) and maybe 30min-45min in the playroom..... they are trying to quit and I want to try and help them for the next couple of months by taking MIL to smoking cessation programs if she wants to and informing her about our states smoking cessation websites and hopefully smoking won't be an issue soon.....


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Yeah, the more information you give us, I'm not understanding at all why you would spend so much time with these people. I honestly don't know what I'd do if we had to frequent the home of people who smoke in their home - I guess I didn't realize people still did that!

So they smoke around your child and aren't willing to make small changes to make the home safer? Have you talk to your DH about this"? Do those things not bother him?

In an earlier response, I basically said "yeah, you're going to have to shadow her". And I stand by that, if you still insist on going there so much. Because they are not willing to change and you can't make them.

It's funny that many of us took your original letter to MIL as pushy and maybe a bit rude, because in every other aspect I am seeing that you are doing an awful lot to please everyone, except yourself. That must be very difficult for you.

And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?


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## CtMom (Jan 14, 2003)

We have a lot of infants/toddlers visiting our home. We have about 3 house rules that every child must follow. To us, they are reasonable (we do not have any children living with us. The rules are: (1) no standing/jumping on furniture; only butts go on the furniture -- we had a friend who thought her kids bouncing on the furniture was fun -- we didn't, so it's a house rule; (2) no drinks without lids on them unless you are at the kitchen table -- a friend with a 3-year old was annoyed, but her kid can't seem to not spill and doesn't like to sit at the table, so the house rule was made; and (3) nobody hits anybody -- ever.

We also ask for nice manners (asking permission, saying please and thank you, leaving electronics alone), but I wouldn't call it a rule.

It works for us; we have some baby gates that we use as needed and have yet to have a child over who can open our heavy inside doors. They are kept closed year round as we are either using heat or a/c.

I have friends who do not child-proof and amazingly the toddlers who visit seem to grasp that there are different rules at different places. Don't you expect your children to behave differently if they are at school or church or shopping? How will they learn if they are not exposed to different environments.

We love all the children who come our way and other than the bouncing child, everyone seems amenable.

Go with the flow . . .


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebee321* 
And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?

I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???


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## HappyHomeBirther (Oct 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarah0404* 
Wow. I think she sounds really mean! Its not as if installing two childproof locks on her outside doors is going to ruin her home or make her life difficult. If you are going to have children over regularly I think you should make sure your home is safe for them.









:


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???


Your parents probably don't want his parents to resent them. My MIL, who visits us often, always asks if my mom is planning to visit before she makes her plans (my mom lives further away and can't visit as often).

Anyway, Joy, I think if you can you should try to find a nice playgroup, so you could give your daughter a better outlet for play, and then you'd have reason not to spend so much time at the in-laws.


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## Katie Bugs Mama (Feb 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
It really is becoming apparent that the real issue you have with this house is its residents. If you don't want to visit your in laws while your husband is away then by all means tell them to visit you at your house, that it will be easier that way until your DH returns home and can be a second set of eyes while visiting.

What she said.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

*treqi*, is it possible to find an accord?

What I mean is, are you willing to consider other alternative means of providing safety you can feel secure with so that you aren't a basket of nerves when you make the obligatory visits?

You're clearly gonna continue to go over there. I think you may be seeking reciprocity from them in the form of compliance... they're not likely gonna recipriocate (can you accept it and go forth with a new plan?)... they may respond more agreeably if the notion feels like it was their own. Ex: "What are _you_ ideas for keeping dd and J out of trouble when it comes to those doors, MIL?"


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I would be willing to talk about other options I she would talk to me but shes not.....Wouldn't you at least respond to this? Its not rude, it clearly explains me reasoning and I guess it feels really hostile to not respond at all to this or any other message/IM/phone call I've sent/made....

Stop emailing, calling, IMing. They've said "no" and you've said your piece. If you continue to call them, then you're giving your power away. You're the mother here and you've made your request. I don't think you were completely out of line to request what you did. They're ignoring you as a power play. Ignore them and either they'll go away or think about it and make some adjustments.

What they want is for you to apologize and for you to not make any requests of them. Maybe you picked a battle that in hindsight wasn't all that important, but now, since they declined and are ignoring you, you have to stand firm and take care of yourself. Lick your wounds and move on. Let his heal over and start new when all of you are ready. You need to relax and let them make the next move. Why give an ultimatum like that and then harass them for an answer? I think the answer has been given already. They'd rather lose you and thier grandchild than put locks on the door and humor you. I'm sure it hurts, but now you know. If you want a relationship with them, you'll have to be the one to make the sacrifices.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......

Well, you may be accused of keeping DD from them if you issued an ultimatum. It's not an accurate accusal, but you've said you won't go to their house. They may not feel like going out.

It may take a while for this to blow over. Good luck.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

i just scanned because it was getting a bit much too read. i can say that i know all about your MIL sewing table and the crap on it and that her fish tank smells like poo.

sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to go. if you don't want to go, just don't. easy as pic. stop holding your child over their heads with a my way or the highway mentality.

when someone disagrees with you, you add more details to your side of the story to get them to side with you. BUT, you are the mom. It is your choice on what/who/where/when.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Laggie* 
So... your DH is out of the country, you don't really like your in-laws that much... and you visit them 3x a week, for 1 to 5 hours at a time? Why?

I LIKE my inlaws, and I could never spend that much time with them. They're nice people, but they drive me batty after awhile.

I don't think you need to create an issue about this, (door latches or otherwise), just don't go over there so much if you don't like it. What's the big deal?

Sure, grandparents are important, but I don't think 3x a week visits are necessary, especially not if they make you uncomfortable, and clearly they do.

This is exactly what I was thinking.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........

My ILs' basement den is the grandkids' play room. My MIL does crafts and sells them. Her craft area is in the same room and takes up about 1/4 of the room. None of the kids (even one particularly mischevious one) has EVER gotten hurt on the sewing/craft items. They are not allowed to touch them and understand that. MIL keeps everything neat, and it sounds like the issue is more disorganization than sewing. It was more your comment that they "claim" to have a playroom but put a couch and sewing machine in it. This is THEIR house! If you don't like it, don't go, but you cannot expect them to make things fit your standards. They're entitled to call something a playroom but also use it for themselves.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I guess.... I would love a couch in the play room but not one that has been in a gross garage for at least 5 years..... and if the sewing was nice and oganized i would be fine wit that too but don't take a room and call it the play room and then have it be a danger zone with gross smelly fish too......


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......

I'm one that agrees with the idea that family is important enough to make those kinds of efforts, even if we don't like the circumstances.

Best advice I ever got from my mom was that if there is a situation you don't like you have 2 choices. If you can't live with the suituation, it's incumbant upon you to do whatever it takes to resolve it. If you CAN live with it, or aren't willing to do what it takes to resolve it, then you have to be quiet and let it alone.

Steady on girl.. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. Some people are stubborn and persnickety... but be gentle, respectful of their boundaries, patient and understanding, and I'll bet they will come around to a place where they will have some ideas for how to resolve the safetly scene there in a manner you can all live with.

It might not hurt to show some humility and own that the concern you feel is such that you were kind of intense, it wasn't your intent to offend, and that you really are waiting to hear some ideas from them...

Good luck!


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *urklemama* 
I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?

I think it is my job to watch my children all the time because I am the one that chose to have them. I am the one that has been granted the blessed responsibility to raise and nurture them. It IS my job. That is why I am here. We don't live in a society of "villiages" anymore and I have no one to "help" me other than my DH (which is is wonderful).

It is my attitude because that is who I am. If you choose to not take that job, that is fine, but there is absolutly nothing wrong with me living up to my responsibilities and doing my job and watching my children all the time.

God gave me a job, a duty. And that is something that I take very seriously. I will not hand that responsibility over to someone else. It is my calling in life. As long as I have children that are not adults, it is MY job to ensure their education and safety in all areas. That is just how it is.


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## Spring Sun (Jul 30, 2005)

Wow, sixpages of responses? I just read your post, not all the responses, but do think the letter is not so appropriate. My ex's family would all chain smoke when ds was a baby. Both exdh and I asked them several times not to when the baby was around, but they still did. So I would end up sitting in another room, alone, all day with ds. After awhile I told dh if he wanted me over there again, he would have to put his foot down, I was not going to sit in another room the whole time. He did put his foot down, and they still smoked-not asmuch, but even two people smoking at one is awful. So I just stopped going over there unless it was a holiday or something.


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## Spring Sun (Jul 30, 2005)

And actually, if I were you, next time I was there I would just say,"oh, do you mind if I put these door latches on?"


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......

_______________

Umm you are going to drop a note every other day until you get a response?? give it a rest!! I think you all need some space from each other ... and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

I understand your concerns -- however I always felt it was my responsibility to watch my DS and it never occured to me to ask people to change their homes -- I just watched DS more closely in homes where they were not child proof. My DS is now a teenager -- but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!

I am truly not trying to be critical -- but I do think you all need a break from each other!

Blessings


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 

and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!

My DN was over there pretty much every day for the first 2years and 2-3 times a week in this last year DN has been having overnights with them from about 6mo and they expect to see dd at least the 2-3 times a week and will be very surprised that they never get alone time with her (those 10min I left her with MIL the other day were the last as I had no idea they were all still smoking pot I thought they had stopped... thank you SIL for the info(SIL smokes pot too







))

When did I ever demand? I said hey I bought these door locks, she said no thanks and then I said

Quote:

About the locks I'm not sure if you remember but last year there was one incident where J wandered outside alone going between eating at the table with me and going to the play room where you were, now after seeing Leila easily open the pantry and bathroom doors I am not comfortable having her have such easy access to the front and the garage. I hope you understand how I feel in not wanting my daughters curiosity and intelligence to lead to her being in a very dangerous situation. Guess this leads me to say that while I will be happy to meet you at the park, have you over to my apartment or go to story time I don't want to be in a place where I do not feel my daughter is safe.
I never demanded and wouldn't demand but I would not go over to her house anymore and meet her at other places and facilitate those meetings to the best of my ability.... I mean is that demanding I don't think it is but correct me if I'm wrong....

And we just had a break a year long one where I lived in Japan and visited twice and only saw the ILs a handful of times during those visits....


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## skylarsmama (Mar 7, 2002)

I may have missed an explanation somewhere. I kind of glazed over the replies but I thought it was a bit odd that you're so concerned about your child playing with orange play doh and *gasp* regular bubbles but not about smoking in the house where you and your child will be visiting.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I think it is the responsibility of the parents to watch the child, period. It is not the responsibility of other people to baby-proof their homes. If it's too stressful to visit and watch your kids, by all means, stay home.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Give it a rest treqi - they aren't going to conform to your idea of safety, ever. And save the letters for business relationships. Family, unless long distances away, generally involve a face to face, email or phone conflict resolution. I'd be pretty put off if a DIL of mine sent me a business letter "I'd like to inform you..."

You have two choices - deal with it and bite your tongue while watching dc yourself or don't go over there. If they ask explain that you don't expect them to baby proof their home to your standards so it's a lot of work and you'd rather meet elsewhere. IF they want to keep dd without you, say that you aren't comfortable being away from her yet. Frame it as YOUR issue, not theirs. Because quite frankly, it is your issue.

As for the play-doh and bubbles (and I know you were only venting) why not make a basket of outdoor stuff for the grandparents? There are some things I'm picky about so I buy it myself and phrase it as a "I'd thought it'd be nice to have some of these things over here" rather than a "ewwww, neon play-doh and toxic bubbles thing" - (not that you'd do that, just sayin').


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

So I have read the entire thread but decided to only address one issue.

The smoking - I am sorry but I will not tolerate anyone, and I mean anyone, exposing my child to second hand smoke. Our children have reactive airway disease so this is a huge thing for us. We do not allow people to hold our children who have been smoking or have the smell of smoke on their clothes. We do not take our children to anyone's house where someone has been smoking, even if they "aired the house out". (Side note: this actually was used to try to guilt us into taking our kids to BIL's house: But we "aired the house out all day just for your kids". Give me a break!!!) We do not even go to restuarants that have a smoking section.

Now this has been an enourmous (sp?) issue in our family. Just about everyone in DH's family smokes and doesn't care if children are present so we do not see them at all unless it is in a non-smoking location or in our own home. My mom also smokes but does not smoke in her home or car and is very respectful to our wishes. She even takes a shower before she is around our kids. You just can't ask for more than that.

Anyway, sorry for the novel and bad grammar.

Bottom line - Your the mom, You make the decisions. Don't engage in power struggles. JMHO


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## alison77 (May 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 

If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there

this really makes me sad - definitely can sympathize with this as my kids are competing with their grandmother's computer games . . . .


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