# wanting to tell people I have seven sons...but...



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

This afternoon I was gardening....and i was thinking about a conversation that was had between my husband and other person while I was standing there....At some point, this person, who plays tennis with my husband asked my husband how many kids we had. "We have five boys..." was the reply. I felt my stomach turn and the tears flooded from my eyes before I could stop them...and I found myself saying.."No...we have seven...we have seven but our twins died before they were born." and I walked quickly away to try to find a place to cry openly. I didn't want to hear that I have five boys...I have seven. I don't want to pretend that they never happened. I want to just say...I have seven sons...and two died. Is that crazy of me????

My husband was quiet on the ride home...quiet and thoughtful. He told me I was right to have corrected him. He didn't want to make his tennis partner uncomfortable, but that is the whole problem with all of this trauma...no one knows what you have been through unless you tell them. It turns out that his tennis partner lost a baby girl at 25 weeks into the pregnancy. He understood...and now my husband knows someone else who had a terrible loss. Now they can talk about that too...in addition to therepy techniques and spiritual understandings and music....

I still feel funny for crying though, I mean, if I was going to mention it, I should have been more sane about it...right?????....I felt like I could have handled my guy saying we had seven without crying..but I couldn't handle him saying we had five!!!

sigh...


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Though not to the same extent, I've been wondering the same thing - 3 children, not 2. It's important to me and we haven't even been asked that since we lost our babe.























As for sanity... you just found out, right? That it was Simon AND Alexander - not Simon Alexander. Give yourself time. I don't think crying was an unreasonable reaction in this instance, mama.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I get caught in this trap too when people ask me if I have kids-- do I tell them, "Yes, I have a son, but he died," and then start crying or say, "No," which feels like dragging a knife across my heart? Telling other people can help because, as your DH found out, sometimes the person happens to be someone else who has had a loss. But, it can also hurt because often other people are uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy of the moment and some people say outright stupid or hurtful things. And you can't always know what way it's going to go when you answer.

I don't have a good answer. I wrote on my blog that I wish I could wear a scarlet patch on my clothing so people would know what happened without me telling them and so they wouldn't ask questions that only have difficult answers. In the absence of that, I try to play it by ear and figure out what I can handle in the moment. Sometimes I say yes and start crying. Sometimes I say no and cry when I am alone. It's hard either way.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I answer 2...though I have had many losses - because Xavier was teh most real loss and the first one I got EXCITED and downright THRILLED about. He is the one that came at the perfect timing and we saw heart beats and just bonded with so much.
So when asked I answer 2. A daughter and a son. One by miracle of adoption and one whom we lost before he could be born.
Yes - it sometimes makes people uncomfortable but I can't say one because I feel like Im betraying him somehow...


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I always include all of my children. It seems such a betrayal to me not to.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

That's a hard one. I've thought about it and depending on the person and the situation, to say "we have 2 sons with us and 1 angel up in Heaven", but I've not had anyone ask us yet how many kids we have. I have a friend who didn't disclose her mc until I had mine. For some, it's too raw and painful to bring up, so they don't until they are ready.
You need to give yourself time and a break, and don't feel foolish about crying that way. Something good came out of it-your dh now has another guy to talk to that can relate. And now if you are upset around them, they will know and understand.
Some days I feel like telling a perfect stranger who asks, and telling them we have a loss is easier than an aquaintance.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
. It turns out that his tennis partner lost a baby girl at 25 weeks into the pregnancy. He understood...and now my husband knows someone else who had a terrible loss. Now they can talk about that too...


it's been almost a year since joslyn died at 22 weeks gestation. i find that what i quoted from you is the silver lining in what we go through in grief. "if" you can call it a silver lining. it's that someone, somewhere understands and it brings a sense of peace. i, too struggle with how many children we have. we have one baby girl whom we lost, our first pregnancy and no other births. to tell people i have no kids just kills. so i always say a daughter, yes, but sadly she was born premature and didn't survive. some people say, "oh, i am sooo sorry." and not suprisingly someone once in a while will say, "my wife had 4 miscarriages throughout our kids." or "my friend just lost a baby at so and so many weeks." and then we can talk about it for a bit.
do what feels right to you. and sometimes i gage the other person as well. if i'm not in the mood to go into it, i won't.
so sorry about simon and alexander.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm amazed, just flabbergasted, by how many people this kind of loss has touched. We told our landlords, who revealed that they'd lost their eight year old son - he fell off the wagon during a hayride. We never would have known that about them, never, if we hadn't told them about William.

So many people have lost their babies... and yet no one talks about it. It's like the heartbreak is so great,the mind doesn't even want to contemplate it until it happens to you.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I say I have one son who died just after he was born. I don't talk about Butterball because it was so early. Butterball still counts in my heart, but it's harder for me to explain to people. Gideon totally counts, though, and I don't cry anymore. I'm happy to tell people about my wonderful son.


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## figuresk8ermom (Oct 31, 2008)

You are not alone. I was carrying twins and at 17wks one of them passed away. I am currently still carrying the other. It is agonizing me when people ask about this baby, no because it should be babies. I can't let that go right now.
I have had 7 losses since the birth of my 3 year old. 3 of them were in the second trimester. It kills me not to recognize them when talking about my children, because they are still my babies.
((HUGS)) to you... and you are right... you have 7 beautiful sons.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Oh love, I would have said the same.

I hate the question "do you have kids", just hate it. Plus, sometimes when people talk about their pregnancies I want to pipe up and share, but I feel like my experience is null and void because it ended so early and badly.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I also never know what to say when people ask if I have children. Generally I dont' want to go into it so I say I don't. But I also don't want to be as though Isabel didn't exist, she was here, she was with us, it may have been brief but she was definatly our child.

I do wish a lot of people just knew. I didn't tell a lot of people afterwards and some figured it out, others saw the notice in the paper or their parents who still live in the area saw it. But now and then I get messages from people asking how Isabel is doing. I just ignore those parts of the message and hope people will 'figure it out'.


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## amylouise2 (Jun 22, 2009)

Wow, this is a good place to go for a big cry, isn't it? I'm sorry for all the losses, I'm sorry for my own two losses, and I just really want to thank you all for supporting each other and being available to talk. This is such an intensely personal experience, and yet apparently so common. This sweet emerging butterfly is a beautiful person and the most sincere mother ever. Thank you for helping her through this. Love you Sar.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

: Crying because I am so grateful to all of you for understanding. This is SUCH a hard place in time for me. I keep feeling like I'll be o.k. one moment, only to find myself sobbing over something else. At least....it seems like something else...but it's really just all about my babies....it's really about the fact that I can never hold them. It's about the fact that they are gone, and I never got to find out what they would be like. Or who they would look like. Or what kinds of animals they would like...or colors....or activities....

because they never got to find out either.







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