# sexual abuse?



## 1hotitalianmamma (Aug 26, 2005)

Ok. When do children start to masterbate? Is it hormonal or learned or being abused? I'm getting scared and worried and angry....or since they are girls, could it be a yeast infection?


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Even small babies can self-stimulate. They learn early on that it feels good to touch certain body parts. How old are your girls? Are there any other signs that make you suspect abuse?


----------



## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

How old are your children?


----------



## 1hotitalianmamma (Aug 26, 2005)

The girls I am talking about are 5 and 2 1/2 yrs. old.


----------



## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

No reason girls of that age _wouldn't_ be doing it. I would say that unless there is some outside factor that has you suspicious, the behavior in and of itself is totally normal.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
No reason girls of that age _wouldn't_ be doing it. I would say that unless there is some outside factor that has you suspicious, the behavior in and of itself is totally normal.









:
I have more experience with boys, but that sounds completely normal to me, based on what I've seen with dd and a few other little girls in the family.


----------



## 1hotitalianmamma (Aug 26, 2005)

wow. really? So how do you handle it when it's in front of you or you see it? I just tell them to stop. sometimes I say what are you doing? why are you doing that? Does smthing hurt/bother you? Do you have to go to the bathroom?(esp. for the 2 1/2 yr. old)


----------



## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
No reason girls of that age _wouldn't_ be doing it. I would say that unless there is some outside factor that has you suspicious, the behavior in and of itself is totally normal.

I agree. Totally normal.


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Do you have any other reasons for being suspicious of sexual abuse?


----------



## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:

sometimes I say what are you doing? why are you doing that?
This is the wrong way to go about it, in my opinion. I basically explained that that is something we do in private, so if they want to do that, they must go to their bedrooms. Try to avoid saying things that would make them ashamed, there is nothing wrong about exploring their bodies (in private, of course).


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1hotitalianmamma* 
wow. really? So how do you handle it when it's in front of you or you see it? I just tell them to stop. sometimes I say what are you doing? why are you doing that? Does smthing hurt/bother you? Do you have to go to the bathroom?(esp. for the 2 1/2 yr. old)

They're doing it because it feels good. There's nothing wrong with self exploration. The most I would ever say to a child about it is something like, "That's private, please do it in your bedroom."


----------



## VOBetz (Mar 10, 2007)

Around here, we just say "Penis are private." Sometimes I say, "penis are private, please don't play with yours right now (for whatever reason; friends over, in the tub with sister).

That seems to work for both my kids.


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

When you say masturbating, are you talking about simply touching or really, fully masturbating? It may not matter to you, but my reaction is different. When DD (2.5) is getting ready for a bath or having her diaper changed, she often touches her genitals. I don't say anything about that. A couple of times she found her clitoris, or I'm assuming from her reaction, which was uncontrollable giggling, and I asked if she wanted me to leave her alone. No shame, just making sure, because that kind of more intense exploration I believe is private.

My DS (4) seems to grab onto his penis constantly, which I see most other boys do as well. If we're at home, I don't say anything. I tell him in public that it's inappropriate to hold himself in front of other people. He's commented before that it feels good (or "funny") to touch his penis, and we talked about that yeah, it does feel good. That's something we can do in our room or the bathroom, and that was the end of the conversation. Sometimes with kids that age, I don't think of it as masturbation, more absent-minded touching, at least what I've seen from boys. Since DD still wears diapers, she can't really touch herself when clothed.


----------



## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
They're doing it because it feels good. There's nothing wrong with self exploration. The most I would ever say to a child about it is something like, "That's private, please do it in your bedroom."

Yes, this is what I did. Last year dd1 (now 6) discovered that her genitals had something going on down there and mentioned it to me that she liked to touch herself there. I told her that was fine as long as she kept it to herself and did it in the privacy of her own bedroom.


----------



## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I would say, "It feels good when you touch your vulva, doesn't it? But you know, sweetie, that's something people do in private. So if you want ever want to do that, just go to your bedroom."

I've given this speech (using "penis") to my boys many a time.


----------



## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I would say, "It feels good when you touch your vulva, doesn't it? But you know, sweetie, that's something people do in private. So if you want ever want to do that, just go to your bedroom."

I've given this speech (using "penis") to my boys many a time.

yep that.
don't shame them for doing something that feels pleasurable.


----------



## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Yup, I agree with everyone else, totally normal, even for the 2 1/2 year old.


----------



## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

I have to disagree with the others and in doing so I am not making any claims about their opinions or parenting.

I would not shame the child. I would distract the child and engage them in something else. I also would innocently talk with the child and ask if they itch to discern if they might have a yeast infection. Although you may be able to discern this in other ways.

A friend of mine, who is a therapist, shared with me that she believed that masterbation in young children can be a sign of stress.

If I felt that it was completely normal at this age, I would be hesitant to tell a child that something should be done in private. That might give an impression of shame and foster aloneness. That is just me.

Ultimately you have to weigh your observations, your instincts, your fear, etc and decide what you think is going on. Regarding sexual abuse: If you fear sexual abuse I might ask yourself why and see if you are seeing other signs of abuse. I would not dismiss your thoughts so quickly but I also would not jump to conclusions about it. There are some great books on sexual abuse and their signs and they might be helpful to read if you feel led to.


----------



## JustAnotherBrick (Feb 19, 2009)

aww I typed a response but MDC ate it!

what i said was just that i think it's normal... and i also don't think children should be shamed for playing with themselves. i remember being very curious about my body when i was a little girl!

DS, who is only 21 months old, plays with his penis all the time. at home, i let it go mostly. if we're in public i usually distract him by giving him something else to do or tell him that we don't do that here.... i don't really think it's a big deal. when he does it in playgroup all the mothers laugh because their kids do the same thing. sometimes he has his hands in his pants like al bundy and i'm thinking- ohhh boy!

but you seem to be really concerned -- you said "angry".... i'm not sure why. if you have other reasons to suspect sexual abuse, maybe consult with a thearpist or another professional.


----------



## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

Moving to Parenting from SAHP.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

It's perfectly normal, and nothing to teach a child but privacy. It might be a while before the 2.5 year old gets that, but a 5 year old can understand that somethings are better done when your alone.

In children that young masturbation isn't about anything other then doing something that feels good. That tends to be human nature. Something feels good, we do it again.

I can't really see it as a sign of stress, if that's the case then there's a whole lot of stressed out kids in this world.


----------



## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

DD2 has stimulated herself against her car seat strap since she was like 4 months old. Now, she associates riding in the car with doing this. We currently just try to distract her by engaging her in a story or something. We did nothing until she was three. And we only do that because WE are uncomfortable. Same for exploratory behavior at home. When reasonable, I just excuse myself. Otherwise, I just say Privates are for private.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
It's perfectly normal, and nothing to teach a child but privacy. It might be a while before the 2.5 year old gets that, but a 5 year old can understand that somethings are better done when your alone.

In children that young masturbation isn't about anything other then doing something that feels good. That tends to be human nature. Something feels good, we do it again.

I can't really see it as a sign of stress, if that's the case then there's a whole lot of stressed out kids in this world.

I suppose it could flare up when a child is going through a stressful period - any attempt to feel better, right? But...yeah. Of my three, the one who has been the most...vigorous about this is the one with the most easygoing, non-stress personality of the bunch.


----------



## sunnymw (Feb 28, 2007)

I have also heard that it can increase drastically, or that they can rub to rawness, during times of stress.

Otherwise, perfectly normal


----------



## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

Uless you see other suspicious signs I think it is totally normal. DD is 2 and seems to always have her hand there when she is watching tv. I don't say anything to her. If it was an older child I would simply tell them that is something we do in private. Mainly b/c I wouldn't want her thinking it is okay to do at school or something. But I would not personally ever tell them to stop or that it is bad. This was done to me and it leads to a lot of shame. I didn't even know really what I was "doing" it just felt good. My parents, esp. my mom were really religious catholics though and i think thats why she would tell us it was wrong.


----------



## astrophe27 (Aug 27, 2007)

Normal stuff. If it makes you feel better... Mine did that around 2 or 3 and it was just discovering her bits.

She's back to doing it at 5 and it is hard to explain to her. What is happening is that she's asleep, and her clitoris gets erect for whatever reason (maybe dreaming? Hormones shifting at night? Whatever) and it wakes her up.

She thinks it is an "itch" and comes to us to complain that her yoni itches and she scratches but it won't stop.

Of course if you stimulate, it stays erect so getting her to quit trying to scratch the itch is hard. She doesn't know how to tell the difference between "erect" and "itchy."

We try to distract her so she can get back to sleep by reading or something.

It will pass.

A.


----------



## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

It worries me that you used the word "angry" in regards to them touching themselves. Can you explain what exactly that meant? Di you mean angry at the idea of them being violated, or angry at what they are doing?


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i am a single mom. i said nothing. nothing at all. i noticed it was a stress relaxor for her. she would do it when she was vegging. i didnt mind it in front of me. she never did it in front of others. as she grew older it went away. so i got away with saying nothing.

i have seen at daycares and preschool/daycares where children from the age of 2 to 5 doing it at naptime. and no one said anything









i feel the only time you say 'do it in private' is if they DO do it in front of someone. because to me 'do it in private' is a form of shaming them. that there is something wrong that you draw attention too.

it is amazing many kids can figure out social norms by themselves. those who cant need the guidance. but its just something some kids pick up on their own without being taught or guided to.


----------



## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

I think most kids discover that it feels good to play with yourself by their first birthday -- if they do it earlier, it's not a sign of anything other than good fine motor skills!

As a preschool teacher I can say that we see it a lot, and it doesn't raise any red flags. We do gently redirect, usually by giving them something to occupy their hands -- e.g. "Hey, let's go play playdough!"


----------



## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

My 2.5 y/o old does this it is totally natural and normal behavior. We just tell her it is something that she can do in private and it's fine. She *hates* to wear pants, underpants basically anything on her bottom half, but then is touching herself often-I am totally ok with it, but am getting kinda tired of witnessing it. We are trying to really get her to wear underpants, because it seems like she doesn't seem so tempted







. There is no abuse, she just thinks it feels good, which I'm sure it does.


----------



## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

Well, from a personal level, I remember masturbating to orgasm as early as 6 - I had no clue what I was actually doing, just that it felt good. It sounds perfectly normal.


----------



## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

My almost 3 yr old has been masturbating since he was like 10 months old. It only bothers me if he does it right beside me while we are sleeping- otherwise it is fine with me. He doesn`t seem to do it in public which is a GREAT thing


----------



## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

uhm well since on the ultrasound at 28 weeks, my oldest was rubbing his penis and was erect for part, im pretty sure that it doesnt mean abuse or something that is learned...


----------



## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

I don't let my kids (3 and 5) touch their genitals in front on me, and I don't touch mine in front of them! Other than that, I don't worry about it.

I am pretty militant about forbidding a wide range of body-function behaviors in public - nose-picking, spitting etc. are on the list with genital-touching as absolute no-nos. Being aware of other people's comfort level is part of developing empathy and compassion, IMO.


----------



## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalamos23* 
Well, from a personal level, I remember masturbating to orgasm as early as 6 - I had no clue what I was actually doing, just that it felt good. It sounds perfectly normal.

Me too. Maybe even at four or five (memories are vague).

I do remember my mom trying to prepare me not to do it in kindergarten because I was still working on that privacy thing. I did do it once in the second grade (I was 6 or a young 7) when I thought no one was looking. I remember distinctly that when I was almost finished that my teacher asked me if I had to go to the bathroom, and I said yes and went in there feeling embarrassed. I never did it in class again, but it still took me a little while to really get the privacy thing down (much to my mother's horror).

I am actually surprised that neither of my kids is doing it. I was so prepared for this "developmentally normal" stage that I didn't ever think that they might *not* do it.

Still, OP, I wonder what made you think it might be related to sexual abuse? Is there some other reason this is raising a red flag for you?


----------



## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

I can see thinking that abuse may be a possibility. In my entire childhood, I never touched myself (unless I stopped before 2 - 3 and have no revollection of it.) I was 16 before I discovered how good that felt.

So while its good to know that it can be normal, it isn't _always_.


----------



## PinkinPA (Feb 26, 2007)

Wow, normal. OK, I'm the oddball. As a mom of 4 and the oldest of 5, I have _not_ known this behavior to be normal. Although, my sister who is next oldest, was molested and did display masturbatory behaviors. I don't think this is normal, I've never seen it except in my sister.


----------



## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I would say, "It feels good when you touch your vulva, doesn't it? But you know, sweetie, that's something people do in private. So if you want ever want to do that, just go to your bedroom."

I've given this speech (using "penis") to my boys many a time.

I usually add "and wash your hands when you're done". It's very similar to what I tell ds when he's picking his nose.


----------



## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PinkinPA* 
Wow, normal. OK, I'm the oddball. As a mom of 4 and the oldest of 5, I have _not_ known this behavior to be normal. Although, my sister who is next oldest, was molested and did display masturbatory behaviors. I don't think this is normal, I've never seen it except in my sister.

It's not just the anecdotal stories of folks on here though. The research also says it is normal. To happen. Or to not happen.

I have three siblings and I am pretty sure I am the only one who did mast urb ate (spaces intentional so this post isn't pointed out in Google searches of this subject) from an early age, and frequently, but I had all the same life experiences they did and am a "normal" person.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PinkinPA* 
Wow, normal. OK, I'm the oddball. As a mom of 4 and the oldest of 5, I have _not_ known this behavior to be normal. Although, my sister who is next oldest, was molested and did display masturbatory behaviors. I don't think this is normal, I've never seen it except in my sister.

I don't recall doing it until much older, and I _was_ sexually abused. All three of my kids have done it from quite an early age, and they haven't been sexually abused. I think it's perfectly normal, either way...but we don't have an social pressure warning us that children who don't masturbate have some kind of issue...and we do have social pressure the other way.


----------



## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

After watching DD and DS develop into little people who have NOT been sexually abused, that's totally normal behavior and I hope you can reapir the probable damage you've done with shaming them.

I too remember masturbating at a young age (5ish?) and I wasn't sexually abused either.


----------



## momma4fun (Jan 23, 2007)

you should check them for pin worms -- especially the pp who said it happens with her DD, getting woken up during the night, which is when pin worms emerge. it's not talked about very often that pin worms can cause vaginal or vulva itching, but it does in my toddlers. we've had 3 seperate bouts with pinworms and they both self stimulate furiously during the time period. the third time i knew what was happening when all my 3 year old want to do all day was get naked and go to town on herself! LOL

i believe stress can also be a factor. and yeast. and diaper rashes, and mild allergies, or other unapparent bacterial infections or bladder and urethra issues. improving their diet could help.

and then there will always be those that are very sensitive and discover the pleasure of themselves early on.









i masturbated furiously since i was like 3 or so and in my case i believe it was a combination of stress (i had a lot), and some unknown medical issue-- i remember purposely stimulating to avoid peeing.


----------

