# People will say the darndest things...



## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

This happened in July, but it just popped back in my head... I am not sure why.

My neighbor has 2dd. Her youngest is now 1 yr. She asked me if her dd made me want another baby...which she has done from time to time since her dd was newborn. I told her that I had just lost a pregnancy the week before. She got "that" look (omg-get me out of here) and then asked me... are you ready for this, you may want to sit down... _"Was it a planned pregnancy?"_ HOLY COW!! I just told you we lost the pregnancy, you want to know WHAT!?!


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I'd have to put in a vote for my reproductive endocrinologist, who keeps offering to give me fertility shots to 'help me along'. Ummm, I don't need help _getting_ pregnant, I need help _staying_ pregnant. How does she still have patients? I am definitely doctor shopping.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Keri,

Wouldn't it be nice if you could give her a smack!? I am not a violent person, but sometimes I think I could manage giving a smack or two.







I suppose it means $$ if she pokes you. Maybe that is the motivation. If she has been your RE, she's got to know "the deed" works. Fertility shots in a fertile person.... I hope your Dr. shopping goes well. If you were in BC, I would have a name for you.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Micheline--

I was thinking about smacking your neighbor! Glad you felt the same way about my RE. She also said we should just 'keep plugging away'. Yes, she makes money off of us whether or not we give birth. Grrr.

My MIL says it doesn't matter if we give her grandkids, because she still has me. But I want more than me, it is NOT okay if we don't have kids!

I still don't have my fuse back. I used to have a long, slow fuse, and now I'm still pretty short tempered.

Since we don't have kids, all those little meaningless comments get me..."when are you going to have kids, you ought to have a baby, why haven't you given your parents a grandchild yet..." Like it's my choice. Of course they don't know that, so I can't really get mad.

Now I wish I was in BC! I'd love a good referral. The clinic I really want to go to is 400 miles away, I'm still trying to figure out how to pull that one off!

So did you say anything back to your neighbor?


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

I would love the remote control from the Adam Sandler movie. (don't know what it's called, I only saw the commercials) Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to "Mute" the people that say stuff like that. It happens if you have none, or if you have some. People feel compelled to tell you you're doing it wrong. Have some, don't have some, you don't have enough, you have too many.







:

I didn't say anything back to my neighbor, I was too dumbstruck at the time. (darn it!) I have not seen much of her at all though since then. She lives right beside me, perhaps she felt the daggers that shot out of my eyes.

Quote:

The clinic I really want to go to is 400 miles away, I'm still trying to figure out how to pull that one off!
If only my broomstick was a 2 seater, I would fly down and take you there myself!


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I have to agree, people can be so rude...and sometimes its not intentional...they just don't **THINK**







:


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Oh, a 'mute' remote for people with big mouths and small brains...my fondest wish!

So you drive a broomstick too! My favorite holiday is around the corner, my DH just bought me some new Halloween decorations tonight.









Thanks for the sentiment, I appreciate you willingness to transport!

And I'm one of those childless people who would NEVER comment on big families, because I've always wanted a big family myself. I'm pretty big on 'live and let live'. And I always wanted a sister--my parents should have kept going...


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Keri- You have MANY sisters here. We're the good kind...we don't boss you around, we listen real well and you don't have to buy us any birthday presents! Although, if you knit, I could really use a nice blanket.









Yes, I am one of those crazy grown ups that answers the door in costume.









momz3- you are right...they don't think. My parents are right up there. When I was pg with #4, I didn't want to tell them because I knew their response would tick me off. It was as I expected, they didn't let me down. Although I must say, my Dad pulled a stellar job expressing sadness for us when we weren't pregnant anymore.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Hooray, now I have sisters!

Sorry, I don't knit, sew, crochet, tat, embroider or otherwise do fiber craft. It would be nice to know how, though.

I haven't dressed up for Halloween in a long time, but I deck the house with tons of decorations, and I give out pencils and little Halloween toys along with the candy, and give candy to the adults, too. It's fun, and I think our house has gained quite the reputation...we went from maybe 20 kids the first year we were here to about 50 last year!

And it is so true about poeple not thinking....my own mother rarely fails to point out a pregnant woman to me. My response? "Why did you just do that?" She just doesn't get it. Parents should be nicer, all you parents keep that in mind when your kids grow up!


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mammax4* 
Keri,

Wouldn't it be nice if you could give her a smack!? I am not a violent person, but sometimes I think I could manage giving a smack or two.







I suppose it means $$ if she pokes you. Maybe that is the motivation. If she has been your RE, she's got to know "the deed" works. Fertility shots in a fertile person.... I hope your Dr. shopping goes well. If you were in BC, I would have a name for you.

So true, I know a lot of people who need a smack


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

That is a problem with biological ties...you don't get to pick who you are related to. Sometimes choice is better--"family" by connections rather than blood. My Dad was a bit of a bone head tonight, well, he said something stupid anyway. The gist was there is more to life than being pregnant, that I should start a project to keep me busy.







: umm...thanks dad







:
Maybe if he was closer, I woulda smacked HIM. There is something to be said for living 10 hours away at times like this.

ilovemy2ds- Maybe we should arrange a 'smack-a-thon'. Organizers could ensure the list was up to date and we could line 'em all up like cattle and 'whack away'.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Like having children is such a bad thing! I'd like your Dad to meet my Mom....

Distance would be such a lovely buffer. I work with my parents, so I'm around my Mom a lot (not full time, I couldn't take that!). But we go to lunch, and Mom will point out babies, or ask if I think the waitress is pregnant, or she will go up to babies and flirt with them. She does this FAR more often since I've been trying to have a baby. My Dad just rolls his eyes, he totally understands where I'm coming from. Stop acting so 'grandchild deprived', I am doing my absolute devoted best!

'Start a project'. How rude and unnecessary! Sorry your Dad said that to you.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

I suppose I should be thankful that my Dad is honest. My stepmom is much more devious. She will give her opinions and pin them on my Dad.

Lolalapcat- we are coming up on Halloween, maybe you should buy a fake dagger and keep it in your purse/pocket. When your Mom does that again, take the dagger out and pass it to her. "Here, this would be so much more effective" It would be harsh, but maybe she would stop. Sometimes people have no clue how totally insensitive they are being. ps - where do you live? I want to trick or treat at your house!

As for the "project" idea, we have two on the go now... A puppy and a reno. No time for an idle brain to process the whole loss. A little distance being the object, in hopes that dealing with the loss would be more managable. (I'm not sure if that really works)

I came home from the hospital and the next night I was re-drawing plans for our renovation on the house...the one that we had to do because we needed another bedroom. Which of course is a constant in my face reminder of what we have lost.

We were thinking about getting a puppy before we got pregnant, the pup idea was put on hold...I knew I didn't want both at once. Well, we picked up our "Harmony" at the end of July. She is a beauty by the way. although her poops are the size of a small cat! (no offence to kitties, we have two)


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Micheline--

Oh, the dagger is such a good idea, but it would be lost on my Mom. Too funny, yet so accurate!

Our Halloween extravaganza is in Nebraska. Does your broom cover long distances? You and your kidlets are welcome! It's so fun being in a small town for Halloween. More homemade costumes, more tiny little kids are out, more parents actually come up on the porch to say hi, less packs of uncostumed teenagers, more 'thank yous'. You have inspired me, I may dress up this year!

Hmm. We have similar projects, as I am cleaning tools and junk out of what would be the baby's room, and am getting it set up as a guest room. We bought mattresses last night. It is kinda torture, kinda positive. Sorry you can relate to this.

And my DH and I were at a pet supply store, and I almost came home with one of their rescued dogs.....my hubby had to physically stop me from taking him home. Just someone else to nurture.

He was right though, we have a big dog and 4 cats (3 of whom were strays, I'm a softie). No more animals, when we are still trying for kids.

Don't put off your processing for too long, in my experience. If I had done more processing and less avoidance a couple of months ago, I wouldn't be so consumed by the loss now. Actually, maybe I would be, who knows. I'd like to think I would be in a better state, mentally, by now.

Hey, what's a reno, and what kind of dog is Harmony? The little guy I wanted to bring home is and Italian greyhound. New breed to me, never met one of those before!

Keri


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Keri-

I think I would love to live in a small town, especially one with big farmers fields, I love the smell in the morning with the dew in the air. I think that would be heavenly. (as long as there is a Costco within a couple hours drive)

We get a fair number of kids trick or treating here. Unfortunately, the bands of teens without costume come too. I wouldn't mind it if they would at least dress up, hey, if I can do it they could too!

Harmony is a Landeer Newfoundland. She has a black head with white markings and a white body with black markings. She is almost 5 mos. old. I haven't had her weighed recently, but at 3.5 mos. she weighed just over 30 pounds. She will be about 120lbs when full grown. I thought we should name her "Daisy" or "Bessie" as she has cow-like colouring. I was out voted...my 3ds's all agreed on Harmony--that all of them agreed on something at the same time was enough for me. She is a beauty in appearance and temperment. She has that real other sense about her too, she will come and nuzzle me with her nose at times when I need it most. It's almost like a puppy head hug. I don't encourage her to hug with her paws as she is big enough to put her paws on my shoulders already.

I Totally understand the softie side...I am a sucker for a fur face, especially if it has sad eyes. We have 2 cats, 2 rabbits and now 1 dog. We would probably have more, but dh is my voice of reason.

I wish I would have taken some time right after the m/c to start processing the emotional stuff. I put up this huge barrier immediately, I felt I needed to, so I could keep it together. I don't think that was a good idea. Maybe if I would have let my emotions go, I would be in a better space. Right now I have a heavy, dark cloud around me. I long for the sunny days.

There is a beautiful sunny day outside, perhaps my insides will be influenced by it.

reno (ren-oh) is short for renovation.

Have a good day Keri!

Micheline


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

I know exactly what you all mean, although, thankfully, my parents are really good about being sensitive to me, my mom and dad the first time, and then now that my mom is dead, my dad now.

My office manager, though, takes the cake when it comes to being rude and insensitive. Back when I first started a year ago, you know, getting to know someone, she asked if I had kids and I told her about my problems with infertility and endometriosis and my miscarriage in '04. She proceded to tell me about the two abortions she had. OKAY!?! Who tells that to a person who just tells you they would like to have children but has problems. But whatever.

She has only one daughter who, at 18, has lived with her boyfriend for two years. She is not a role model for good parenting anyway, so it's just fine that she didn't procreate any more.

And THEN in July when I had to deliver my son at 19 weeks because he had died in the 18th week, I had to call in to the office, and she said, "Well, I wasn't lucky like you." I didn't understand what she was trying to say. Was she actually calling me lucky when two days before I lived my worst nightmare, again?

Then she said it again, "I wasn't lucky like you." I thought, is she talking about her daughter? I thought, who would say that about their own child. I just didn't get what she was trying to say.

Then she says, "I had two abortions."

I said, "I know. You've told me." Again, why was she bringing this up right now?

She said, "I wasn't lucky like you were. I had to pay for my abortions. I could have saved money."

W-H-A-T!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I was speechless. And then she said, "But I guess you wanted this one."

I said, "Yeah, I wanted my child." Then I told her I had to go. I couldn't even say anything, I was so flabbergasted.

I still can't believe that she said something like that to me. I am a court reporter so at least I don't have to go into the office every day, but even when I do, I try to just avoid talking to her -- hard to do in a small office with only five reporters and one boss and her, but we're rarely all in the office at the same time, so when I do go in it's usually just me and her.

Even though she disgusts me, I try to just say to myself that someone that horrible must have had a bad life to do something like that to another person, and I almost feel sorry for her -- ALMOST.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Miguelsmama-
!?!?!?
As I was reading your post, my jaw dropped and I got chills.
She absolutely deserves a smack! (infact several) I am sorry you have to deal with such a bizarre person. You can not equate a chosen abortion with pregnancy/birth loss. To try and do so is ...I actually don't have words for what it is. I am sorry you have to have contact with someone like that. I hope it is as infrequent as possible.

I am sorry for your loss.

Micheline


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

Thank you MammaX4. I know, I couldn't believe it either. But you know what, I have had so many more people who were very nice and had compassionate words than this one horrible, mean person. I have found that even when people say the wrong things, like your neighbor, they weren't really trying to hurt anybody -- unlike her.

I was going to post about the rude or hurtful things people can say after a miscarriage, but I just didn't get to it. I'm sorry that we all have to experience the misunderstanding of well meaning (or not so well meaning)family and friends that will just say or do the wrongs things at the wrong time.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Miguelsmomma-

Perhaps she is coming from a place of pain, having made the decisions that she did. Regardless, her comments were extrememly inappropriate.

You are right, the good far out weighs the bad. I too have had more positive acknowledgement than stupid comments.

One of the Mom's from school ran into me the other day, she said " I heard about the baby, I'm so sorry" (as she rubbed my stomach) then got all perky and said " So, when'd it happen?" She is a very nice lady, and that insensitivity really took me by surprise.

We should start compiling our thoughts on things to say/not say and publish it as a resource for pregnancy/birth loss. It could save others some heartache.

Micheline


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Oooh, we can compile a list of things not to say, make a million copies and do a big air drop over residential neighborhoods!

Is is the people without any common sense who say such thoughtless things? Or are there really that many thoughtless people?

I'm sorry these people are evenly distributed throughout all of our lives!


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I had a m/c last Thursday (at 6wks). I hadn't told my family about the pregnancy yet but because I was supposed to go to lunch with my mom that day and I was waiting for a call back from my OB, I had to tell her. So I quickly tell her "Mom I'm pregnant but I think I'm miscarrying." Her reaction was the same as your friend's. . "Were you trying?".

So not only do I have to deal with the pain of losing my precious baby, but I have to deal with my mom questioning me on my fertility status. . .especially knowing I have PCOS and it took forever for us to even conceive. I just don't get it. . .I'm married and have a stable life and a wonderful DD. . .what's so wrong about getting pg again??

She's my mother and I love her, but sometimes she really gets to me.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

crazydiamond- I am sorry for your loss, and the less than loving comment from your Mom. I can relate to parent challenges. We have 3 boys and lost our 4th baby to a missed miscarriage in July. I have heard similar comments for the last two pregnancies. I actually sent my parents an email to tell them about the 4th baby. The subject line was "No groaning allowed". Pretty sad to have to do that with family. DH and I have been married for 15 years, have had a stable relationship and stable finances. Sometimes I guess they forget to think before they speak.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

Micheline


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

The list sounds great to me. I was just talking to friends of my MIL who just lost a baby at three months about a month ago. I told them I was sorry to hear about their baby and that I had just lost one. And they just opened up and started telling me all about their baby. It was really nice. I think it is just too hard for other people to understand if they haven't lost any children. It was really nice to just listen as they told me about their precious angel.

I think that is what other people don't realize that we don't want or need you to say anything to fix it or make us feel better. Nothing can fix it and nothing can make us feel better, but sitting and listening when we are having a hard time is what we need. And as it is on our minds pretty constantly, we don't need people like your mother who keeps throwing it in our face as if we don't feel bad enough already.

Even my best friend is guilty of hurting me, and she had a loss of her own about 10 years ago. We were at a birthday party two weeks after I lost Miguel. Another set of friends we have had a baby boy who was about a month old. I was smiling and pretending it didn't bother me in front of everyone, but I just had to go into the other room by myself and cry for a few minutes because it hurt so bad seeing a newborn boy. A little while later my best friend asked if I had held him. I said, "no." And she said, "well, he's there if you want to hold him?" I said "I know." And she says, "well, I was just saying." I guess she thought I said "I know" in a rude/mean way, but that's not how I meant it, and it hurt me that she was getting all hurt at me because she thought I was being rude to her. Hello! Does she understand how much pain I was in? I know the baby was there. I was painfully aware. And I knew that no one was going to stop me from holding him and she was talking to me like I was a child, and it really pissed me off.

It sounds a little dumb now, but at the time it really hurt my feelings.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Miguelsmomma--

That doesn't sound dumb to me at all. It sounds like a totally normal reaction to me. Hmm, let's see...having a hard time just breathing, trying to keep it together there's this absolute lovely little boy there that makes your head feel like it will explode. Yes please, I would love to hold that bundle of torture, please hand him over.

Are you sensory impaired?

Perhaps she was thinking you couldn't see, hear or smell him.

Why people think that something like that would help??? I just don't get it.

I am sorry you had that baby there to add to the struggle of keeping it together. I am sorry that we feel we must keep our emotions so hidden from others. Would your friends with the baby have cried with you if you would have had the strength to let go? (i think it takes a huge amount of strength to let ourselves be seen in such a vulnerable state, maybe even more strength than it takes for us not to cry in those situations)

I am glad you had the chance to talk with your MIL's friends. It is sad how many people in our lives have had a pregnancy/birth loss and we never knew about it.

Micheline


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

Exactly. I don't know what my friend was thinking. And then to get hurt at my reaction, which I thought was just fine, not mean in any way ... I just felt like if I held him in front of everyone they would all be looking at me, seeing what my reaction was, did it make me smile or cry or make me angry.

I hate being looked at with pity. I would love your compassion, but don't look at me with pity like I am some damaged creature with no live children. I think that's what I couldn't stand afterwards was that look and everyone looking at me like I was made of glass, afraid to talk to me, afraid to ask questions.

Yesterday I had a deposition at the hospital where I delivered with one of my clients who I hadn't seen since I was still pregnant. He had, of course, heard the news from my boss. Right when I walked up he said he was sorry about what happened. He asked what had happened, if we had named him, if we had buried or cremated him, where we had him, were we going to do any tests, how I was doing. And he listened. Here is this funny, older (probably 60s) Jewish lawyer who is always dropping the F bomb in front of everybody being more interested in me than a lot of my own family and friends. He listened to me and had interest and didn't look at me as if I might break if he asked a question. Other clients who I have seen since haven't said a word. It's like the elephant in the room.

N-E way. I am grateful for all the mamas here who know how I feel. Even if they don't feel the same, at least they can sympathize.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Miguelsmomma--

I am truly sorry about the loss of your Miguel.

Your story about your client was really touching. You never know who is going to identify with your loss, and reach out. It has really surprised me too, who has lent us support.

It is the elephant in the room and I do think less of the people who know about our miscarriages but say nothing. I could label it discomfort, but I think it is closer to cowardice, this thing that keeps people from speaking. Like I've said before, what's keeping people from writing 'sorry about your loss' in a card and dropping it in the mail? Just acknowledge it!

And yes, I completely identify with the 'damaged woman' thing, thinking people are looking at me with pity. Ugh, I hate it!

But this man, what an amazing thing to find out about him! Behind the f-bombs, there is a heart of gold. Yet again, another lesson about not judging people until you get to know them...

Keep talking to us here, it does help.

Keri

ps, you come from one of my very favorite states--I'm convinced the nicest people in the US live in New Mexico!


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## GreenAmber (Sep 29, 2006)

I have to share a funny moment my husband and I shared. This conversation took place in the parking lot of my midwifes' office right after we found out my m/c. I was falling apart over everything AND the thought of dealing with the "elephant in the room" with my friends and clients. Then DH said, "Why don't you just hang a cheery sign in your office saying, "Ask me about my miscarriage!" We nearly peed our pants laughing.









I wish I could really do that sometimes.

I m/c at 13 weeks after telling dozens and dozen of people. Hey, maybe we could just get some of those plastic lawn ornaments used for birthdays. We could just stand elephants in our offices, homes and maybe in the cars too. Then when people said, "What's with the elephant?" We could reply, "Oh, that's just the elephant in the room. I thought everyone should see him."


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

GreenAmber--








ha ha ha ha hee hee hee









I need a tissue...I'm crying because I was laughing so hard. Thanks for your story, I needed that.

I am sorry for your loss. (but glad you shared your story!)

Micheline


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

thinking of all of us mamas that have had losses....


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

Lolalapcat,

Well, thank you very much. I'm glad you had a good time when you visited/lived in the Land of Enchantment. Right now the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta is going on, and so in the morning I get to see the 600 or so baloons all over the sky with the beautiful Sandia Mountains in the background. I love it.

Anubis,

There is no need to post a warning before you rant. I know I certainly can never judge the crazy thoughts we all feel after such a devastating loss. We all know your sister-in-law, the horrible person who is also a horrible mother who seems to pop out kids left and right even though they are so horrible, they don't even seem to like the kids they do have. You're not the horrible one, she is to actually be enjoying the fact that she can rub your nose in the fact that you're not pregnant with your precious baby anymore but she still has hers!?! It is a truly small, mean, unhappy person who can take joy in that.

I don't know if you read my post about my office manager and how she told me that she wasn't lucky like me because she had to pay for her abortions. I would love it if we could get my office manager and your sister-in-law and everybody else who is so awful as to kick a person when they are down like that and send them far, far, far away. Although you being from Finland and moving to England and me being in the States, it reminds me of how it truly is the World Wide Web, so we can't torture some unsuspecting people in any other distant land. Maybe we could send them to an arctic tundra somewhere where they could only bug the crap out of the penguins







. Actually, we would probably get environmentalists after us for exposing these poor innocent creatures to the horrid, awful people. He he he.

I too have a sister-in-law who pops out kids that she not only doesn't take care of but also lets her husband (who is currently in jail, thank God) beat them. I've tried turning her in . . . that's way too long of a story.

Please, please, please don't ever feel like a loser over miscarrying your baby. Just as you would never tell any one of us on this site that we did something to cause the loss of our babies, don't tell yourself that. Why are we always sooo much harder on ourselves than we would ever be to others, even to complete strangers?

I know that the mind can wander to very deep, dark places, at least I know mine can. But even if you had the most fleeting thought about maybe this isn't the right time to have a baby, maybe we should have waited, maybe I don't want this baby right now, just know that NO thought you could have ever thought would actually have made the baby leave you. Do you know how many babies are unwanted that are born anyway? If fact, my dad jokes with me whenever I give him a hard time (we tease each other a lot) that he and my mom should have stopped after my brother was born because they already had their girl and boy. I know that at the time, a third baby coming was probably not very happy news to them and who knows what thoughts my mom could have had, but here I am today, having been very loved by my mom and dad, to tell my dad, "Well, you should have gotten fixed if you didn't want another baby. That's your fault, not mine. You shouldn't have been so irresponsible at 37 years old." It sounds like a horrible conversation, but we're always laughing because we're just weird like that and love to give each other a hard time.

NE way, good for you for keeping as much distance from your SIL as you can because saying you shouldn't let her get to you is so much easier than actually doing it.

Be gentle with yourself and come here to "rant" and share all you want.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Hey Miguelsmomma. . do you live in ABQ? I hadn't noticed you were in NM until you said so. . I live in ABQ too! The balloon fiest is so much fun, unfortunatley this year's weather doesn't look so good. I'm going to try to make it to one of the Glowdeos. . they are my favorite!


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crazydiamond* 
Hey Miguelsmomma. . do you live in ABQ? I hadn't noticed you were in NM until you said so. . I live in ABQ too! The balloon fiest is so much fun, unfortunatley this year's weather doesn't look so good. I'm going to try to make it to one of the Glowdeos. . they are my favorite!

Hey Diamond, I live in Rio Rancho, but that's about as close as you can get. I do work in Abq. Do you know that I have never actually been in the park, just watched the balloons from elswhere. I just don't know about the traffic and the cold that early in the a.m., but I would definately love to actually get there this year. And the weather, yeah, my husband and stepdaughter are at the Lobo game tonight, and I don't envy them with the cold. I tried to convince her to layer up, but she's almost 13 so forget it.

Sorry that we're both here on this site, but good to *meet* you.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
It is the elephant in the room and I do think less of the people who know about our miscarriages but say nothing. I could label it discomfort, but I think it is closer to cowardice, this thing that keeps people from speaking. Like I've said before, what's keeping people from writing 'sorry about your loss' in a card and dropping it in the mail? Just acknowledge it!

And yes, I completely identify with the 'damaged woman' thing, thinking people are looking at me with pity. Ugh, I hate it!

I so agree with these two points. My birthday was maybe two weeks after my m/c at ~6wks and DH had to practically twist his family's arms to go to freakin dinner with me. They were all sympathetic about it the week it happened, but a week later and suddenly I get less attention than someone would normally expect just for their birthday? Dang, if my sister ever m/c'd and then had a birthday I'd FLY to her, take her out to spa, to the best place for dinner and fun, shower her with attention... hello, a woman who's m/c'd is needing extra love to feel happy on her bday! And I moved here so DH could be close to his family, so MY family is far away. It was SO painful to sit there through dinner KNOWING DH had been on the phone yelling at them to come out with us. *Really* felt appreciated.

BUT you're right, one of my biggest fears is having everyone pitying me. I just wanted love and support, not pity! This is the main thing that's holding me back from sharing about this pregnancy, actually, the fear of the pity patrol.


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