# I had to commit my son :(



## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

We had to release him to an in patient facility. It was very very ugly and I feel like a peice of glass, broken and sharp and raw.


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## elspethshimon (Nov 23, 2007)




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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

I'm sorry, Mama. I hope you all find the help you need


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## swellmomma (Jan 1, 2004)

It's hard whenyou have to make that choice. I had my son admitted into the children's mental health ward when he was almost 6 years old. It was only for 2 weeks but I felt so horrible and like such a failure doing it. IN the end it was the best thing for him and he got the help he needed that I had been unable to give him at that point. I hope you find the same results with your son and that you and he can heal and feel better about this choice.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I am so sorry. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))0


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## peacenlove (Apr 1, 2003)

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I am really sorry for what you are going through mama


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

: to you for doing what must have been nearly impossible. I hope that you also get some help with your feelings during this very difficult time.


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I am sorry dear. I hope all turns out okay for you and you find some peace.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I'm sorry. I hope he gets the help he needs.

Dar


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

My thoughts are with you during this most difficult time.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I haven't been there, but I've been close. You are very, very brave.

I'm so, so sorry that this happened and also hope that you have someone you can talk to about what YOU are going through right now.


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## Night_Nurse (Nov 23, 2007)

I can't imagine what you are going through but I'm sending good thoughts your way.


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## Milvudeeshna (May 4, 2004)

I'm sorry


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

You may feel bad but if this is the best choice, then what more can you do


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


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## FancyD (Apr 22, 2005)




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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Many hugs to you. I'm so sorry. I really hope he gets what he needs, and that you have some good support around you.


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## Fujiko (Nov 11, 2006)

I hope that you are getting some counseling too. It can't hurt.
My youngest brother was committed when he was a teen, too. It's hard. But if it helps in the end, it help, yk?


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## nethead (Mar 14, 2006)

Thinking of you.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

I am so sorry and I will be thinking of you both


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## bumblebeej (Nov 5, 2005)

So Sorry Mama, I hope it helps him.


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## Gabbi (Jan 27, 2005)

You poor sweetie.







s to you.

I've been listening to a fellow mom at my son's school talk about similiar issues. They had to release their son to inpatient care also, he is 5. It has really been horrible for their family, as I am certain it is for yours.

You are not alone dear mama.

Peace and healing to your family, especially your child.


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## hattelatte (Aug 18, 2007)

I am very, very sorry to hear this.
Lots of love to both your, your son, and your family during this tough time.
Here is hoping that this will be a turning point.

Hattelatte


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

I'm so sorry!! I wish you all the best.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)




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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I hope he gets the help he needs.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Thanks so much, everyone. It is so warning to see people here offering support and hugs and words of kindness for little ole me and my family. Very humbling.

I saw him yesterday, to fill out the forms to allow the facility temporary "custody". He went through the expected stages of asking to be taken home, then begging, then blaming, then yelling and arguing, and then things got very ugly. I was escorted out and he was semi-restrained as he was trying to charge me. I stayed calm the entire time and was loving but firm, "You need to be here right now. I love you too much to let this opportunity for help slip us by". etc.

It was bad. I felt so broken.







I do know that this is the absolute right thing for him and our family but it's a crappy thing to live through. There is so much guilt, pain, sadness, and fear. I have had one of those years that no one imagines having....really. And this is icing on the cake.

I want him to be better. I know its going to be a tough road. But man, I think back to taking him this teeny little cherub, all of 6 pounds. His spirit has always been love and light. You just wonder how you got here.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
Thanks so much, everyone. It is so warning to see people here offering support and hugs and words of kindness for little ole me and my family. Very humbling.

I saw him yesterday, to fill out the forms to allow the facility temporary "custody". He went through the expected stages of asking to be taken home, then begging, then blaming, then yelling and arguing, and then things got very ugly. I was escorted out and he was semi-restrained as he was trying to charge me. I stayed calm the entire time and was loving but firm, "You need to be here right now. I love you too much to let this opportunity for help slip us by". etc.

It was bad. I felt so broken.







I do know that this is the absolute right thing for him and our family but it's a crappy thing to live through. There is so much guilt, pain, sadness, and fear. I have had one of those years that no one imagines having....really. And this is icing on the cake.

I want him to be better. I know its going to be a tough road. But man, I think back to taking him this teeny little cherub, all of 6 pounds. His spirit has always been love and light. You just wonder how you got here.























Oh my, poor poor momma.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Sending you and your family love and light


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)




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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My 17-yo dd was voluntarily committed this October, and it was so hard. I can imagine how much more difficult it must be when your ds does not want to be there. I hope he gets the help he needs.

I've also spent many hours wondering how my even-tempered, good-natured little girl ended up so depressed that she needed confinement. Do not take it on yourself; try to move forward by getting him whatever help he needs.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

to you, your son and the rest of your family.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Oh dear







I have been at the point with my son, but thankfully I never had to go through with it. We may have to some day, I hope not, but if that is what will help him then it is my job to see to it that he gets the help he needs. I know you are a sensitive, loving mama and you are being his awesome mama and one day he will thank you


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## Flower of Bliss (Jun 13, 2006)

Your DS is lucky to have such a strong mama fighting to get him the help he needs.

Sending live and light and best wishes to you, your son, and your family in this difficult time.







:


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Flower of Bliss* 







Your DS is lucky to have such a strong mama fighting to get him the help he needs.

Sending live and light and best wishes to you, your son, and your family in this difficult time.







:


















:
It's an incredible gift to him that you are willing to take such a hard, important step.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Iris' Mom* 









I'm so sorry you're going through this. My 17-yo dd was voluntarily committed this October, and it was so hard. I can imagine how much more difficult it must be when your ds does not want to be there. I hope he gets the help he needs.

I've also spent many hours wondering how my even-tempered, good-natured little girl ended up so depressed that she needed confinement. Do not take it on yourself; try to move forward by getting him whatever help he needs.

Initially, he went voluntarily. Then he realized what he had agreed to and flipped out. There is a history there of his father telling him that I am trying to "poison" him with medications and that psychiatry is not a real branch of medicine, but rather it is some secret way for the government to spy on our families and whatnot.

Yeah.

So, I sort of anticipated there would be a series of stages he'd go through. Yesterday they said he was bright and appropriate and took his medicine willingly, which made me soar.

I feel very broken. I KNOW it's the best and right thing but it hurts so much to sit here eating my blueberry muffin and coffee with my family, knowing he is experiencing his own personal hell and I put him there.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:

I feel very broken. I KNOW it's the best and right thing but it hurts so much to sit here eating my blueberry muffin and coffee with my family, knowing he is experiencing his own personal hell and I put him there.
This is such a normal maternal response







my heart is with you right now. I have to believe that your son deep down feels your love.


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## TigerTail (Dec 22, 2002)

we had to do this with my 6 yr old in july, and may have to do it again. i would've let him stay, agony though it was, if it hadn't been such a sub-par facility. i am so sorry, and grok the broken glass analogy entirely. love to you and him.


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## mikaela (Oct 3, 2007)

Lots of love and peace to you


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

you are so strong... i hope you and your son find peace with this decision.


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## granolalight (Nov 1, 2006)

You are a nurturing and loving mother. I hope he gets paired with the right staff and/or therapist who helps make a difference in his life. It has to be his process.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Right now, they want to release him late this week and have him go into the day program (M-F 9-3) for a week or so. At first, he adamantly and explosively refused. But we convinced him based on many things...the Trump card being that it's holiday break so he can't go to school and be with his friends, anyway. Better to spend that time in the day program and then he can join his friends back in school afterward.

THEN they tell me that the day program may be closed for that break, too. Which really made no sense to me. How do they provide continuity for these kids?? That's just wonky, to me.

He's on Risperdal, which he says helps him but he still is clearly having moments of aggitation. They are tweaking the dose.

i also demanded that they set him up with care/counseling with a *psychologist or psychiatrist*, NOT a mental health counselor. The reason being that if he is on medication that needs to be monitered or tweaked, I dont want to bring a second or third party into the mix. That is when they'll get non compliance from my son.

I am feeling like this was a very short term and ineffective thing. I dont feel confident at the moment. And I cannot imagine they plan to send him home for 2 weeks ("okay, pal, bye bye!") and then expect him to return for the day program. The lapse, the disruption, the unsteady and sudden break of care cannot be good for him! I'm supposed to just cross my fingers for 2 weeks and hope he doesnt kill himself or flip out??


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Wow, that seems really off that they are releasing him with such an improper follow up plan. Is insurance pushing to have him out?


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## TheTruth (Apr 8, 2007)

sucks to be him


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## jessica217 (Aug 11, 2002)

I thought long and hard before I decided to post to this thread as what I have to say may not be considered as very positive or helpful to you but your situation has been all I can think about since you posted. First off I want to stress that I do not know the particulars of your situation and know that what you've done was an extremely difficult decision to make that may very well have been the right one for you. I respect that and don't want you to see this as criticism but I felt I needed to voice another point of view. My father placed me in a long term care facility when I was fifteen years old. I stayed there for about a month and a half after which I was released and then sent to a treatment based boarding school in Northern California for about a year and a half. I have never felt so betrayed and abandoned in all of my life and my experience still affects me to this day some fifteen years after finally leaving the facility. It has irreparably harmed my relationship with my father to a point I don't think I'll ever come back from. I still have nightmares about my experiences and feel that if anything it placed barriers in my life that have been extremely difficult to overcome. Rather than "helping" me I feel my time in both of these places crippled my emotional and psychological well being to a point that for years it was extremely difficult to form positive relationships with anyone. I do believe I've gotten past it now for the most part and am very happily married with two beautiful children but this is in spite of the "help" I received and in no way because of it. I still harbor a great deal of anger and hurt towards my father that I don't think I'll ever be able to truly get past. Please please very carefully consider this decision as it could have a lasting negative effect that you might not have truly understood. I'm not saying that this type of thing is the wrong path for everyone and once again I don't know the particulars of your situation but I just could not let this go. This was not lightly written.

Please also don't consider this as mean or judgmental in any way - I just felt I had to let you know what things might feel like from the receiving end of this decision.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

As hard as it is, mama, he will be okay. He has to go through what he has to go through, and all you can do is love him through it. He will hopefully get the help he needs and nothing more - no negatives, no side effects. Metnal health problems are so so serious (and undertreated - but not under medicated lol) in our culture. It's not ok to ignore a child's cry for help - a child of 17 or 7 still is a child and still needs their mama to help them. He sounds like a strong boy, overall, and I think he will come through this intact. I pulled an affirmation card for him today - this is what it said.

"I am the only thinker in my mind. I gently guide my mind toward trusting my own inner wisdom."

And I think he will get there becuase you have set firm, loving boundaries of what wisdom is, and when it is appropriate to be FREEE and when it is appropriate to come back to earth and get help.







I am SURE he will be fine!!!


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have never looked at this issue from the point of the parent putting their child into care.

When I was a teenager, I ran away from home a few times, and when I came back the last time, my parents convinced me to go to a short term inhouse facility called "Charter". Like your son, I agreed to it right up until the moment that I realized what I had agreed to, and then I freaked out. cried, begged, screamed, threatened, etc etc. But you know what? It was a good thing. My relationships at home were all out of sorts. My mind was racing, my behaviors were out of control, and the behaviors of those around me were all just in response to or anticipation of my next "issue". It was just complete craziness at my home and in school.

I had GREAT parents, and a really good life. Nobody ever did me harm that I didnt bring on to myself. My dad had some issues (and still does) but what I learned from my time in treatment was that I cant fix anyone else, and can only be brought down by them if I let myself be. His issues did not have to be MY issues.

Having that distance and objectivity as well as the routine in treatment, and the removal of day to day stressors, allowed me to really see my life for what it was, and to understand things so much more clearly.

There is a BIG difference between short term treatment centers and a long term facility. The first is a removal from the situation long enough to get you back on track while the second is where someone goes "to live". Please dont feel bad about what you did momma. I never realized how hard it could be from the parents point of view, but I truly credit my time in treatment (I was there for 2 months inhouse and then another month via the "day treatment" option they are suggesting to you) for keeping me from going down a road I most likely could not have come back from.

My issues were anger, mood swings, destructive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse and suicide attempts. I am now a very happy and healthy and most importantly STABLE 31 yr old wife and mother, with zero mental "issues". It was a GOOD THING for me. Getting help is not something you should feel bad for. Understand that your child is possibly in a dark place right now, and the things that he is saying come from that warped place, not from his true heart.


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## canadianchick (May 18, 2005)




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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
Right now, they want to release him late this week and have him go into the day program (M-F 9-3) for a week or so. At first, he adamantly and explosively refused. But we convinced him based on many things...the Trump card being that it's holiday break so he can't go to school and be with his friends, anyway. Better to spend that time in the day program and then he can join his friends back in school afterward.

THEN they tell me that the day program may be closed for that break, too. Which really made no sense to me. How do they provide continuity for these kids?? That's just wonky, to me.

He's on Risperdal, which he says helps him but he still is clearly having moments of aggitation. They are tweaking the dose.

i also demanded that they set him up with care/counseling with a *psychologist or psychiatrist*, NOT a mental health counselor. The reason being that if he is on medication that needs to be monitered or tweaked, I dont want to bring a second or third party into the mix. That is when they'll get non compliance from my son.

I am feeling like this was a very short term and ineffective thing. I dont feel confident at the moment. And I cannot imagine they plan to send him home for 2 weeks ("okay, pal, bye bye!") and then expect him to return for the day program. The lapse, the disruption, the unsteady and sudden break of care cannot be good for him! I'm supposed to just cross my fingers for 2 weeks and hope he doesnt kill himself or flip out??

My dd also went into a day program after she was released. Then after 2 wks, it was down to therapy once a week. It's very frustrating when a locked ward is too much, and the other options are too short term or not enough. McLean's here in MA has a program where they have round the clock treatment, but the word is not locked. The kids can come and go, and they have classes and other programs, but I could not get dd into it. These sorts of programs are few and far between, and there just aren't enough beds to meet the need. Of course, if your ds is not cooperative, it might not be the right setting for him. anyway, I have no advice, but I do understand the frustration. I hope you have good luck with the Risperdal. I've heard a lot of success stories, but my dd says she feels tranquilized on it. They are still tweaking her dose as well.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessica217* 
I thought long and hard before I decided to post to this thread as what I have to say may not be considered as very positive or helpful to you but your situation has been all I can think about since you posted. First off I want to stress that I do not know the particulars of your situation and know that what you've done was an extremely difficult decision to make that may very well have been the right one for you. I respect that and don't want you to see this as criticism but I felt I needed to voice another point of view. My father placed me in a long term care facility when I was fifteen years old. I stayed there for about a month and a half after which I was released and then sent to a treatment based boarding school in Northern California for about a year and a half. I have never felt so betrayed and abandoned in all of my life and my experience still affects me to this day some fifteen years after finally leaving the facility. It has irreparably harmed my relationship with my father to a point I don't think I'll ever come back from. I still have nightmares about my experiences and feel that if anything it placed barriers in my life that have been extremely difficult to overcome. Rather than "helping" me I feel my time in both of these places crippled my emotional and psychological well being to a point that for years it was extremely difficult to form positive relationships with anyone. I do believe I've gotten past it now for the most part and am very happily married with two beautiful children but this is in spite of the "help" I received and in no way because of it. I still harbor a great deal of anger and hurt towards my father that I don't think I'll ever be able to truly get past. Please please very carefully consider this decision as it could have a lasting negative effect that you might not have truly understood. I'm not saying that this type of thing is the wrong path for everyone and once again I don't know the particulars of your situation but I just could not let this go. This was not lightly written.

Please also don't consider this as mean or judgmental in any way - I just felt I had to let you know what things might feel like from the receiving end of this decision.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I never had to face the decision your father made, because my dd is 17 and considered old enough to make her own medical decisions. I could not have involuntarily committed her unless she was a danger to others.

I really don't want to sound glib, as I very much appreciate your pain, but this is an area where no one has a crystal ball, and every parent has to go with his/her heart and hope they've made the right decision. What works for one child may backfire for another. This is true not just for mental health, but also for drugs/alcohol, academic issues, and any number of issues that our teen children face. There is seldom a clear cut "right" or "wrong."

I don't know your back story at all, and you may have other issues with your dad. For loving parents, though, this decision is never lightly made, and we can only do what we think is best, even if it turned out not to be the case for you. Unless your father was not acting in what he believed was your best interests, I truly hope you can make peace with him.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

I hope everything works out for the best, and really soon.


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## Leilamus (Jun 12, 2006)




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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

You guys are so awesome. And as for "criticism"...it's fine. I wouldn't post if I didn;t want feedback!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Iris' Mom* 
My dd also went into a day program after she was released. Then after 2 wks, it was down to therapy once a week. It's very frustrating when a locked ward is too much, and the other options are too short term or not enough. McLean's here in MA has a program where they have round the clock treatment, but the word is not locked. The kids can come and go, and they have classes and other programs, but I could not get dd into it. These sorts of programs are few and far between, and there just aren't enough beds to meet the need. Of course, if your ds is not cooperative, it might not be the right setting for him. anyway, I have no advice, but I do understand the frustration. I hope you have good luck with the Risperdal. I've heard a lot of success stories, but my dd says she feels tranquilized on it. They are still tweaking her dose as well.

My best friend works at McLean's and it is the best but they are impossible to get into. And, a bit too far away for me to be present there. We have a lot of similarities in our situations. May I ask how old DD is?

So, he's home. I picked him up Wednesday and things have been great. He's in the day program with only Mon and Tues off, which is fine. He'll finish out the week and then go back to school with his friends. He is on the Risperdal but he is so drugged and lethargic....it's like my kid was replaced with a zombie. I am NOT okay with that. If it persists beyond 3 weeks total we will discuss a change with the counselor.

We went to see the new counselor Thursday and that was fine. DS agreed to go once a week for now and would like to cut back to every other week at some point.

Tonight he asked to sleep at a friend's house and I had a VERY hard time letting him go. I'm feeling protective and uneasy







I was honest with him about that, though, and let him go. I think this will be a tough road but we'll be okay in the end. I do believe that.

His official diagnosis is a "non specific explosive mood disorder" which is sort of wishywashy terminology, if you ask me. Sort of a "name" for something they cant quite define. They are reluctant to label him as bi-polar, as that can stick with you forever and they'd like to see how he responds to the treatment plan first.

I'm feeling okay. Better, now that he is home where he belongs and he's still being open and honest with us.

Thanks so much for all your support, mamas. Even if you have not been there yourselves, knowing you are reading along is important. I cant rely on my family for emotional support so this is very helpful







I love you guys.


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## rachelle-a-tron (Apr 13, 2002)

Big, big love to you Mama...


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## ErikaLeigh (Dec 24, 2006)




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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

thinking of you!


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## CalebsMome (Apr 25, 2007)

mama I just saw this thread and wanted to let you know that these places can sometimes give families what they need to get back on track. I am a houseparent at a facility where we have short and long term care. Some kids do well, some don't. If it works for him, great! If not, find a different type of facility and try that. He will be okay, you just have to find that right facility and worker that your son "clicks" with.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 

My best friend works at McLean's and it is the best but they are impossible to get into. And, a bit too far away for me to be present there. We have a lot of similarities in our situations. May I ask how old DD is?

***
His official diagnosis is a "non specific explosive mood disorder" which is sort of wishywashy terminology, if you ask me. Sort of a "name" for something they cant quite define. They are reluctant to label him as bi-polar, as that can stick with you forever and they'd like to see how he responds to the treatment plan first.


Sorry I missed your update post. I'm glad he's home. My dd is 17.

I'm wondering if you are in MA, just because if you do get the bipolar diagnosis, you are entitled to parity in medical treatment (eg., he can get unlimited therapy sessions if the doctor recommends, versus the usual 24) and he cannot be discriminated against as having a preexisting condition nor can he be charged more in future health coverage. Of course, if he moves, then he may not be protected, but it's something to keep in mind if they are considering that diagnosis.


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## MaShroom (Jan 25, 2003)

I cannot even imagine... Sending you and your family love, strength and healing.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Iris' Mama....Yes, I am in MA. He is continuing to see the therapist and going to see a psychiatrist to oversee his meds in 2 weeks so I do want to address the issue of whether or not there is a diagnosis.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

good luck and best wishes..


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Bah. It's like my child is being absorbed by something I cannot see or identify. People keep asking me how he's doing and I don't even know! He's not happy, he's still losing weight, he has not even opened his christmas gifts he was DYING to get (video camera, mini fridge). He's not eating. I am pretty sure he's taking his medication but it's tough to tell unless I stand over him which I'm reluctant to do.

I can't find my baby in there









I also don't know how much of this is just ME, reacting to it as his mom. I have no idea what to watch for, how to evaluate, what to worry about, or anything. I try to just carry on with life and make extra effort to keep him engaged in the family but that's not easy. He's 14....he doesn't want to DO much of anything with us.

There is a list of things I want to talk to the counselor about but I don't know how to separate my fears/anxieties from issues that really need to be looked at. argh.

Anyone have book/website/info recommendations? I'm feeling pretty lost.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Bah. It's like my child is being absorbed by something I cannot see or identify. People keep asking me how he's doing and I don't even know! He's not happy, he's still losing weight, he has not even opened his christmas gifts he was DYING to get (video camera, mini fridge). He's not eating. I am pretty sure he's taking his medication but it's tough to tell unless I stand over him which I'm reluctant to do.

I can't find my baby in there









I also don't know how much of this is just ME, reacting to it as his mom. I have no idea what to watch for, how to evaluate, what to worry about, or anything. I try to just carry on with life and make extra effort to keep him engaged in the family but that's not easy. He's 14....he doesn't want to DO much of anything with us.

There is a list of things I want to talk to the counselor about but I don't know how to separate my fears/anxieties from issues that really need to be looked at. argh.

Anyone have book/website/info recommendations? I'm feeling pretty lost.


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