# My daughter's teacher is due in February



## farmmama (Feb 6, 2004)

It's been a week since we lost our babe, and I have just resumed the school commute. I've found out dd's teacher is expecting a baby girl in February, and DH suspects another mom is expecting as well. It is difficult to process my feelings about encountering these women. How do I react to the puzzled glances towards my once protruding belly which I proudly showed off over the summer? It's just so strange. I have to man our booth at our local farmers' market this weekend--it's been two months since I was there last. Part of me is so dreading it. I personlly only told one other vendor that I was pregnant, but somehow a lot of people have heard of our loss. I'm dreading encountering people who knew/thought I was pregnant before, and I'm dreading encountering the people who know what we've been through. Yet, at the same time I feel like everyone I meet should be embracing me and showering me with support. These emotional conflicts are exhausting.
I went into a specialty paper store to find paper to make an envelope to put our ultrasound pictures and reminders of our babe, and was overwhelmed with sadness. It seems to puzzle DH that I am still crying several times a day. While I feel sad and cry often, I also feel incredibly joyful about life, and thankful for all I have learned over the past few weeks. I have realized I had spent nearly five years feeling sorry for myself in one way or another(I'm pregnant, over-worked, too attached to my baby, can't get pregnant, had a miscarriage, our employees are idiots, our family is too far away, pregnant, nursing/attached, pregnant, overworked, blah blah blah), and had forgotten to revel in the joy of having two lovely daughters, a supportive, loving partner, and everything else. I feel as if my heart has recently emerged after years of hiding in a dark closet. The love I feel for my family is so intense now, and I feel ashamed for these past years of self-pity. I am finding myself no longer fretting about what I haven't gotten done, but joyful about what I have accomplished. This has been a truly life altering experience. I will always mourn the loss of my baby, but I am thankful, everyday for having encountered such I wise spirit.
I call my baby Arrow because he pierced my heart.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Kimberly,

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am glad that you are able to find some light and even positive results from your painful experience. I also feel like my son taught me so many beautiful lessons and for that I am thankful.

I really feel you on the whole "facing people" issue. It is so, so scary to get out there and face people who I thought would be judging me and saying something either insensitive or inappropriate. Some people did, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. The one thing I can tell you is that people are generally *good* and *caring* and if they don't say the "right" thing, it is just because they don't know what that is.

It was so very unnerving at first, but fortunately, I got over the "hump". Now I find myself consoling people who are just finding out and just being all together *numb*. I guess that kinda sucks, but at least I am not breaking down in public anymore.

Good luck mama. Take care of yourself and your beautiful family


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