# my miscarriage after stillbirth



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Most of you here already know this but I lost my "rainbow" baby at almost 16 weeks on Feb 4. I haven't written the story anywhere yet because it hurts too much to be back here again after losing Matthew... the baby passed Thursday evening and after heavy bleeding and fainting when trying to get out of the bathtub, we went to the ER. An u/s at the hospital showed retained placenta but luckily, the doc advised against a d&c, so we were sent home to pass the rest.

3 nights later, the bleeding and cramping increased and after another near-fainting episode, we went back to the ER. it was so scary and painful. after having blood transfusions, i was wheeled to the MATERNITY wing, the SAME place that i stayed when Matthew was born/died.

I was very detached this pregnancy; felt very numb and distant from this baby and from Matthew's death. Well, when I was taken into my room and the nurse showed me the call nurse button, it all hit me and I fell apart.

That CALL BUTTON: all the memories of using that button when I was in the hospital with Matthew came back.

All the times I pressed that button-

"Can you please bring me my baby?" (back from the morgue, where he would arrive nearly frozen)
or "Can you please come take my baby?" (again to the morgue, so I could shower or something)

Oh, he was so cold. I can't believe I made myself try to forget about him. He was so cold but he always smelled so good and he was so soft. I WANT MY DAMN BABY BACK! And now I've lost another one.

I'm sad about this newest baby lost but this whole thing just brings Matthew's death into sharper focus. I feel like I'm back in the early days when he died. I can smell him again, I can see him and feel him. It's all new again. I feel like this loss board is new again to me... only some of the faces are different and I'm so alone. I feel like everyone is pregnant but me. I want to go back to the PAL thread, I just want to be back there.

And finally, I'm afraid that dh will now never want to get pg again. He was so scared watching the bathtub fill up with blood. He told me he watches me breathe at night and he has shined the flashlight between my legs at night to see if I'm hemorrhaging. The nurse told him it will take me a couple of months to get my blood levels and energy back and he is so worried. I just want another baby.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

((Christie))


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I had no idea.
There are no words.

I'm so sorry


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. There are no words. I wish you had your babies back, too.

Take care of yourself - recovering from blood loss is tough. I found that the prescription iron pills they gave me upset my stomach so I had them help me find an over the counter iron pill.

Hugs to you and DH. I know my DH had a hard time after our son died. He had nightmares about our hospital stay and watching the events all unfold (our son died after his birth). He kept saying in the early months that he couldn't imagine going through this without me. It really scared him. And, I found that it scared me, too.

We did counseling after and it helped a lot to work through the trauma.

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Christie,
I've been checking in here a couple of times a day to see if you were around.... I was going to email you again, but I didn't want to be pestering you with everything you have going on. I just want you to know that you've been in my thoughts MANY times a day... I love you, you are a strong woman (although, what else can you do when faced with these situations but try to be strong...)
I'm wishing you lots lots of strength to cope with all the emotions you are facing once again.... It all just sucks so much, and I am hurting for you, my friend.......


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Christie,
(((HUGS))) I wish I could give you hugs in real life. I had a very difficult time in L&D the first couple of visits after Norah died. The flashbacks and memories were so vivid. I just let myself cry. I thought "I obviously need to get out my emotions about this place" So, I cried. It got better with every visit (NSTs). I hope you can recover your strength and your hope. (((HUGS)))


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Oh, Christie, I am so sorry for your losses. First, Matthew and now your rainbow baby. It is so incredibly unfair. I am struck by the love your husband obviously feels for you. It comes shining through in your post. My hope for you both is that your love will carry you through these dark days. Sending you light and love....

Amy


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

God mama, every time I think of you I just want to come over there and wrap you up in the biggest hug ever. I'm so sorry this happened. It just sucks. I am just crying as I write this because it really sucks. My heart is broken for you.

You WILL get your baby but my God, is it a long road, I know. I lost a "chemical pregnancy" before conceiving Bella, in between Josie and Bella but I would be remiss in comparing that to your loss which in every reality is of much greater magnitude BECAUSE though you said you felt detached, one cannot be fully detached after 16 weeks - one can only pretend to be...

I am sending the most heartfelt, huge, massive hugs, tons of love and healing healing healing...to you, my dear friend.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Christie, There isn't a whole lot I can say to you that I haven't already&#8230; I just hate so much that you are here again. My heart is breaking for you









My husband felt the same as your husband did when we first lost the baby. He did not EVER want to be back in that place again, especially after I ended up in the ER after hemorrhaging and then needing a d&c. He was SO scared. I can't blame him for not wanting to knowingly put ourselves in a situation where that could possibly happen again. Have faith, healing will come. Stay close with him right now, let your pain and sorrow bring you closer together.

Peace, love, strength & healing~ I'm so sorry that I have to type those words to you again.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

see, this is why i made myself come back here. you guys are all so loving and awesome. i guess if i have to be here again, i might as well be with the rest of you.









i guess i just have to give dh some time. there are times i almost blurt out, "you know, i will be getting pregnant again very soon, just so you know", but then i stop myself. i know he will worry more if he thinks that i'm not even focusing on getting better right now.

i feel a little bit better this morning. the craziness and black feelings seem to come back at night.


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

I am so very, very sorry for your losses, Christie. I haven't been posting much, but I've followed your story. I have no words, but I'm thinking about you, and crying with you.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

I am so sorry Christie. Life is so unfair! I wish we could all show up at your door with open arms, chocolate, and maybe even some wine.







It's always easier in the light of day. I hope your husband figures out some way to find peace with another pregnancy. Lots of love and healing vibes your way.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Christie I am just so sorry for your pain. Seriously we should get a break and a free pass card. I think that at the moment you feel the absolute need for a baby, which seems to be pretty much how all of us women feel after a loss. But your husband is worried for your physical and probably emotional health. He'll go through ups and downs but I'm pretty sure he'll not close the door on future children, just not be able to think about it right now.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so, so sad for you Christie. Reading your post today just breaks my heart, I wish you had all your babies and never had a loss. I'm touched by how much your husband loves you, and am so glad that you are there for each other. I've been thinking about you many times a day, checking to see if you'd posted something. I'm just so sorry.

I too push away the most painful memories of Lachlan, and just don't want to go there. I can't imagine being there in the same hospital again, I just can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to relive losing Matthew again.

I'm sorry you lost your Matthew and this baby too. Sending you all my strength and wishing you peace and healing. (((((Christie))))) I believe in a rainbow baby for you.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Oh Christie....I'm here for you, we're here for you.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry Christie







I lost my first "rainbow baby" at 16 weeks, too.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Oh Christie
















I am reading your post and feeling so...helpless...because in reality, we are all helpless to protect each other from horrible things like this.









Your grief is so palpable in your post...I just feel like I need to reach through the screen and hold you until it no longer hurts...hold you while you scream, cry, rant & rave...but I can't, so just know KNOW that if I could, BELIEVE me I would. I know that "dark crazy place"...I know it all too well. I have been there too many times myself, both after Nick's horrible accident when I was sure for months that I would lose him...and then following my first loss, when all that PTSD from Nick's accident came flooding back...and then again this pregnancy, when I was sure I was going to lose both of these tiny boys.









That dark, "crazy" place is so scary...so bleak...feels like it's going to swallow us whole. Just remember that ALL you have to do when you're there is breathe in and out. You aren't going to go crazy...even when it feels like you will. Just breathe. That's all you have to do at moments like that...

Mama, you are so loved.







I am thinking about you day and night.

Claire


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh god, Christie - I had no idea...







I am so, so sorry. That is so unfair - to lose Matthew and now this baby, too. I can't imagine how you must feel.
I wish there was something I could do.








((strength)) to you while you heal.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Christie







Reading your post brought me back to when I lost my girl and I can't imagine living it. I wish you never had to be in that same place again, in the hospital, pushing the same button, I remember too-and just thinking about it terrifies me. I wish all of us mamas could see eachother in person, we've all become so close...sharing something so wrong, but all love eachother. I too wish I could hug you and tell you that it will get better-though it is so hard to even think about right now. I know all you want are your precious babies.

I wish there was something I could do. I hate that at times like these I feel so hopeless. I also am thinking of your dh whose love shows through your post. With time I am sure he will be on board with TTC again.







Please try and let this bring you closer, I wish that I had done that when we lost Joslyn, we're here whenever you need us.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I am just beyond words sorry. I felt, this whole pg, like you were holding your breath, and I was holding mine with you, hoping that voice in your head was just anxiety and fear after losing Matthew... hoping there would be a rainbow for you. Damnit. I just want to scream or cry or throw something. You are so loved, so deserving, such a good mother, and I just.don't.get.it. Poor little baby. Poor Matthew. Poor Christie. I just want to wrap you all up and hold you. I am, in my heart.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Christie. I'm so sorry for all of it. For losing Matthew, for losing this new little baby, for having to go back to the same place-- I can't imagine how hard and triggering that must have been. My heart breaks for you. If I may, I think there's two layers to feeling detached to the new baby. Or at least, that's how it was (is?) for me. I love this new little baby, but I am TERRIFIED at the thought of losing him. Because now I know, viscerally, the pain of losing a baby. Now I know it can (and did) happen to me. Any innocence I had about the life and death nature of pregnancy was stripped from me when I lost Soren. My feeling detached from this new baby wasn't a reflection of lack of love for this new baby, it is a reflection of fearing the love I do feel. I guess what I'm saying is, that if you feel at all guilty for feeling detached from the little baby you just lost, look underneath the detachment, I suspect there is a deep well of love there. You will be in my thoughts







.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Thank you, all of you. I'm just grateful beyond words that you are here listening and talking to me. It means a lot. I just feel completely empty, no emotion at all tonight. I don't have any more words.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

No words, just







I'm thinking of you.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Sweet Christie........ If you need to talk, ever - I am here for you. I know sometimes it's most comfortable just to sit in silence though, surrounded by those who love you and understand your pain. Lots of love to you XOXOXO


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

"I'm sorry" just isn't...enough. I am so heartbroken for you.







I can't believe this.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Christie, there are no words.







I'm just heartbroken for you. So sorry, mama.







My thoughts are with you.


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

{Hugs} Christie. I think about you everyday. I'm glad that you are feeling up to talking a bit about your loss. To me it means you have taken your first step on the long long long road of recovery. I also wish I were closer to you to come help out and support you in real life. Take care.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Sweet friend....sister...I know you know where I stand on this. Oh god! I've been crying for days for you. with you. It's so unfair. It seems so WRONG on every level...I can't even try to wrap my head around it.

But....I bought something for you. It's in the mail. Brown paper package with your name on it.

Crying the other night...talking to my husband about all of it. The losses...the fears....the greif that spans the universe. The elusive joy just out of reach. The inability to understand the incomprehensible. The inability to accept the unacceptable.

trying to find trust...and finding it beyond a groping grasp.

I remember the weakness....the blood loss....it lasted for a long time. I still see fear for my life in my husbands eyes. It makes me sad to know that fear is because of ME. They love us Christie....these dear men....I know my husband feels responsible for what has happened...because without HIM, I would not have ever been pregnant. And me? I feel responsible too...for having a body that failed his twins.

It's all just crap really.... but at the moment, I'm reminded of sea turtles.

When I was visibly pregnant with Simon and Alexander, a very drunk/stoned woman that I did not know came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder....."You are a sea turtle mother...you are THE sea turtle mother! You are beauuuuuuutiful!!!!!"

My response to her drunken stupor was to smile warily and say..."Uh...Thanks." while I tried to gingerly edge away from her.

She got vehement...."NO! You don't GET it! YOU ARE *T H E* SEA TURTLE MOTHER!!!!"

Again...(as I am verrrrrry uncomfortable with drunkenness...) "O.k...thanks..it's o.k....I get it....I'm a sea turtle mother."

She started to CRY....and grabbed me in a fierce hug. "I can't believe it....you just don't SEE.....who you ARE.....a sea turtle mother.....*THE* sea turtle mother!"

Her hippie boyfriend....embarrassed...pulled her away from me, and they walked away to her moaning that I was "THE sea turtle mother..."

Now....I love sea turtles. I swam among them in Hawaii....they are like angels. real angels. There is nothing more amazing to me than floating near a sea turtles gaze. wow. I could do it every day...and I would never tire of it. (WHY do I live in freaking MONTANA!?) They are creatures that I have a real spiritual connection with. Being with them was profound.

That weird woman...she couldn't have known that...way out here in Montana where no one ever sees a sea turtle. ever. She couldn't have guessed about my feelings for those angelic animals.

The thing about sea turtles though.....they have these abundant, prolific nests full of precious eggs. Some of them never even hatch....some are just....not viable. Some are eaten by predators. Some fail without proper temperatures. And the ones that do hatch.....well....most of them do not ever make it to the sea. The ones that make it to the sea....most of them are eaten too. But...._some_ of them live. And become big sea turtles...who float peacefully, trusting their world to BE. And they then lay their own eggs....and only some will live. But that is just it....some of them DO live. But I think about the many many beautiful precious little turtles that are taken away....that do not live. I floated next to a giant turtle in that amazing Hawaiian sea...and I knew that she was one of many that had not lived. And one of several that had. It was the way life was. The way nature was. I didn't have to like it....it just was that way.

I *am* a sea turtle mother. And you are my sea turtle sister.

I don't know how that will make you feel. I know it somehow made me feel a little more peace. To understand my connection with nature...with the way birth, life, death all are in nature. To feel my connection with something that is the most peaceful creature I could imagine...and know that life is precarious for them as well. And yet....they are not anxious. There is nothing about a sea turtle that feels anxious. They are at peace with their world. Their world isn't fair....but....they trust it anyway.























I love you Christie.

Look for your package....

XXXXX


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Sara, that was beautiful. I've swam with sea turtles in Kauai. You've described them perfectly.

Christie, thinking of you today.


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

Christie, I'm so sorry. Sending much love.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Sara, that gave me goosebumps. Such a beautiful way to think about it all.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

<<HUGS>> Christie!!

Thinking of you and your little ones today. I hope that you are able to find peace and heal.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

I went to a very dark place after my first rainbow baby was m/c. It was compounding hurt. Take care of yourself. You will pull through this.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
Thank you, all of you. I'm just grateful beyond words that you are here listening and talking to me. It means a lot. I just feel completely empty, no emotion at all tonight. I don't have any more words.

No words necessary, my friend. Remember...breathe in and out. That is ALL you must do if that is all you CAN do. I am thinking of you and holding you so SO SO close in my heart.

GOD I wish I could do something to change the course of peoples' lives.







This is the hardest part of loving people...to watch them suffer is to watch your own heart break.









Christie...not that it means anything in the scheme of things, but I am praying for and thinking of you and desperately wishing I could hug you in person.
















Sara







That was beautiful.

Claire


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Thank you so much for all the support.









Claire- oh, but it does mean something.









Sara, how funny that you shared that story with me. I went to Maui only once, 14 years ago, and a wonderful, hippie artist was selling paintings as we were walking around the beach. I bought a gorgeous painting of hers: a pair of sea turtles floating in the sea. Gorgeous greens and blues. She wrote "Bless your life, Christie" on the back. Something about that woman, about this painting I just LOVE. I love art but I never hang any up on my walls. This is the only painting I actually have hanging in our house right now.

So I do love your story... and that gives my painting even more meaning for me. I want to be like that. I want to just be at peace even though my world isn't fair.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
I want to just be at peace even though my world isn't fair.

God, if I could somehow leap through my screen...this is EXACTLY what I would wish for you...for all of us. I have desperately prayed for peace among the chaos that seems to be my life. I am so f***ing sick of tragedy...and yet...sometimes it just seems to keep on coming...I told my therapist once that it feels like when you're stuck in the undertow of the ocean, and all you can do is concentrate on coming up for a breath of air before the next wave hits...

That is what my life has felt like for the past two years. I'm sure you can relate. As I'm sure a lot of the women here can.

Christie...you are so loved.







I hope you don't mind...I really hope you don't...but tonight, I told my little Ryan Matthew (who is really sick & struggling in the NICU but surviving, thus far) about your beautiful baby boy Matthew. I told him how much his name meant, how it means "gift from God", and how it was the name of a precious baby boy that was the "forever baby" of a friend of mine."

You won't believe me, but he seemed to smile at that. The NICU nurses would say he was having gas, but I know better...he was smiling because he knew how special your Matthew is.

(I really hope that my telling you this doesn't hurt, but somehow might even help you...I know how much you treasure Matthew each day. He is so incredibly loved and beautiful.







)










Claire


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry, mama








I had a miscarriage after my daughter was stillborn and I know the dark place you're in now. Thinking of you.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

hugs sweetie. I had a m/c after a still born too. it was terrible as you have described. I felt I didn't mourn for Micah until after the miscarriage....

more hugs. I hope you have tons of support.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I have no words. I am so sorry for your losses.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so very sorry that you are going through this again. I wish I had something really amazing to say that would make you feel better, but I don't. I just want to you know that you are loved


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## Mamacitac (Aug 18, 2009)

Oh hun, I'm so sorry!

and this pissed me off

Quote:

i was wheeled to the MATERNITY wing, the SAME place that i stayed when Matthew was born/died.
That must of been so painful for you.








My incident is FAR from your terrible story.. BUT I can long have babies (thanks to c-sections..long story) and I'm traumatized over a forced tubal ligation..
Anyhow, I was admitted from the ER to the 4th floor [ (kidney/heart ward)because I had a kidney obstruction, and apparently this wing was getting too full and they wanted to move me!! WTF . They wanted to move my from *my* bed I was in for 24 hours already and put ME in the maternity wing..I started to bawl and sob, and they kept me there after I really got pissy with them. They looked at me like I was crazy..


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Claire, I could never mind something so heartfelt and sweet. That makes me so happy... and sad, of course.







I can picture you sitting in the NICU, holding your little guy and whispering to him... and I love it.
















Mamacitac, yeah, unfortunately the human aspect seems to get overlooked in a busy hospital.









THanks, you guys. I love all of you and I can feel your support.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Christie,

I thought I had posted here but I don't think I have. I have been thinking about you and Matthew and this little girl ever such a lot. I wish peace for you - so much peace.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I'm really glad the sea turtle story was meaningful to you...to all of you!

It's really been helping me to understand my connection to them. In fact....the past few days have been filled with bluer skies than I've seen in 9 months of this loss hole I've been swimming in. I know there are tides...and that I may feel washed out again. Like a beached whale. For the moment...I'm trying to float and trust. Trying to remember the love my twins were conceived in...trying to trust their journey. Even if I wish it weren't so. Thinking of you.

All my love....
Sara...a sea turtle mother.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)




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