# Does your family put age limits on nudity at home?



## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

We always had a clothes optional set up before xdh and I divorced. He wasn't a hang out naked kinda guy, but he didn't hesitate to dress/undress with the kids there. He was the bath guy from birth. I haven't been living there for 3 years, and in my new home w/so he is very un-naked and was always freaked about seeing the kids naked or having me naked around them. i respected his concerns especially about the kids. He loves them very much and doesn't want anyone to EVER get the wrong idea. When we moved here, I think we lost about 40 years of culture








So my 8 yo still wants daddy in the shower b/c she is nervous. We had her start showers b/c she has yeast issues which is like all the women in my family...never ending battle. Anyway, *I* feel that there is nothing to worry about, other than xdh would really like his own shower.

Most mainstream folks would probably freak about this as much as my so & family, but what about families like ours was ( miss that part)? Is there still a limit? I am getting so much pressure to 'force' him to quit, but this is really an issue about dd comfort level. I know most 8 yo can probably do this on their own, but mine have been babied because they both always freaked (ds still) about getting any water on their faces and so we just washed their hair for them.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

uhm... well i think it depends on the kid and the parent. Once either one feels uncomfortable it should probably stop. I would think she is probably on the cusp? Once she hits puberty and starts developing breast buds, she probably will become more modest anyhow, wanting some privacy.

My ds is 7 and my dd is 4 1/2 and they still shower with me or dh on occasion.. for like a quick wash in the morning if we are going some place. We are NOT modest and dh and I undress and dress and use the bathroom in front of them.

The only restriction we have is that in the past year we have been trying to curb the CONSTANT penis flicking LOLOL. If he is in jammies (with no underpants) it is soo constant. Other than that, ds (7) will still on occasion come out of his room naked to go pee or something and I dont care if he does that. Dd has no modesty at age 4.

I have found, however, that ds is more modest around family and friends and stuff, often choosing on his own to go into a bathroom or behind a closed door to change, he just isnt modest at home. Then again, if we are at someones house, I usually send him to a bathroom to change.. which has probably gotten that message across.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

First, it is reasonable for him to set the limit of what he's comfortable with and it sounds like he's telling you clearly that he's no long comfortable and I believe you should listen to that.

For me there is a bigger issue than nudity here. Part of a parent's job is to help their kids grow into competent people. Feeling incompetent or scared isn't a good feeling. So, leaving your kids in the place where they don't feel capable because you'd rather than help things along isn't good parenting in my book. I most certainly am not suggesting force or meanness, but I would suggest helping them along the way sooner rather than later. It would be unfortunate if you wait until your daughter is really uncomfortable in the shower with her dad (and that will happen and likely soon) and then have some kind of crisis where she's suddenly having to be responsible and she's scared. So, my suggestion would be outside of the moment have a conversation about showering. What are the steps involved and what does she need help with. Ultimately I think you will all be happier when she's more capable.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I agree with the PP. It's no longer ok when one of the parties starts to feel uncomfortable. If her dad is uncomfortable, he has the right to privacy.

I would talk with your DD and find other ways of helping her be comfortable. How about if someone sits outside and talks to her while she showers? Or how about if she washes her body and then someone just opens the shower to wash her hair? Dad doesn't have to be naked in the shower to help her with her fears.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

What if DH wore shorts or bathing trunks in the shower with DD? Is it his own nudity that is making him uncomfortable, or is it DD being naked that bothers him, too?


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

As long as the kids are comfortable with it I think that there isn't a problem. If it is something they do because they think you want them to be babied though then I think that is a problem. Kids often do what they think we want them to do and it might be that they can and do want to shower on their own but they worry about how you and xdh will take that because they think you want them to act like and be babied. I think it would be a good idea to try to watch their behavior objectively to see if that might be occuring and possibly discuss this situation with them and just ask them if that is what is going on and reassure them that you and your xdh will love them unconditionally no matter how they act.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

nope, just sanitary limitations.....after bath is fine, otherwise put down a towel MY COUCH ISN'T YOU'RE TOILET PAPER>>>>> NO BUTTSTAMPING!!!

I recall the time I went to a friend's house....her kids were running around naked, sitting on the furniture....I went in the bathroom after one of her kids....GREAT BIG GINORMOUS TURD in the toilet......NO TOILET PAPER!!!! EEEEEEWWWWWWWW


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i think as long as everyone is ok with the nakeness then there is no artifical age limit. from experience they get modest all on their own no need to freak everyone out and act like nakedness is bad.
as for your dd needing help in the shower... did i miss why she can't take a bath? sorry if i did. if she can only take a shower and xdh is uncomortable being in the shower with her, maybe sitting on the toilet and talking to her while she showers. if she needs any help then he would be right htere to do so.
my oldest ds is 10 and he still comes out of the shower dirty! LOL so learning to be a good shower taker is an art apparently. lol (especially hair!) but come to think of it he was still taking a bath with his little brothers up until last year with me washing his hair.
i don't know. i guess i don't see the issue in helping kids and being naked around them. but that is just me.









h


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

My oldest is 5.5 and he is often naked around the house.
We shower together some of the time but I wear at least undies the rest of the time. He showers or takes baths with his dad, too.
I am insisting that I get more bathroom privacy lately, I don't like them in there when I'm pooping or dealing with my blood.

If anyone is uncomfortable it's time for a change.


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

We haven't made any rules about nudity and the kids seem to figure it out for themselves. My 9yo insists on privacy, my 6yo is just starting to feel a little weird but will still change clothes in the living room most days, and my 4yo would love to be naked all the time.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
First, it is reasonable for him to set the limit of what he's comfortable with and it sounds like he's telling you clearly that he's no long comfortable and I believe you should listen to that.

For me there is a bigger issue than nudity here. Part of a parent's job is to help their kids grow into competent people. Feeling incompetent or scared isn't a good feeling. So, leaving your kids in the place where they don't feel capable because you'd rather than help things along isn't good parenting in my book. I most certainly am not suggesting force or meanness, but I would suggest helping them along the way sooner rather than later. It would be unfortunate if you wait until your daughter is really uncomfortable in the shower with her dad (and that will happen and likely soon) and then have some kind of crisis where she's suddenly having to be responsible and she's scared. So, my suggestion would be outside of the moment have a conversation about showering. What are the steps involved and what does she need help with. Ultimately I think you will all be happier when she's more capable.

Well, she does it just fine at my house, so I don't know why she won't at his house. I started with standing outside the shower and helping her get through each step - like our conditioner is *really* a PIA to get out for a kids' conditioner. She also wanted to check if she rinsed all the way in front of her hair, so I told her how to do it standing away from the shower, all the funny gyrations we do to get the pink parts clean







etc. and now she does it fine. She won't do it at his house and he won't make her...*sigh* I come from a montessori background, learning by doing & watching. xdh treats them like fragile little babies. It's always







: umm fun when they get back from his house after the summer. They think they are totally helpless! I got my own juice and waffles when I was 5!


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
What if DH wore shorts or bathing trunks in the shower with DD? Is it his own nudity that is making him uncomfortable, or is it DD being naked that bothers him, too?

I think it's just that he wants the space and time to himself, but he always puts himself last. I also think they are starved for his attention sometimes due to his work. They have awesome quality time when they do stuff together, but if he has to bring work home, he probably focuses on that so much that they might feel lonely. This 'I can't do it myself" tends to be a 'I need more attention' with dd.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

I really appreciate all your input on this, as current so & family and friends and even my naked lady mom are all freaking after hearing dd say she takes showers with daddy. The other thing that just occurred to me now is that they rarely get any 'just me and daddy' time. I get time with them individually because i have a partner, so perhaps we need to look at scheduling some time that way.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

No, we don't. Right now, we're all comfortable seeing each other naked, and I don't see that changing any time soon. My daughter is 5.5 and my son is 2.

I still see my mom naked occasionally, and my dad kissed me goodnight in his tighty-whiteys (ie: might as well have been nude) until I was 14, and it was never a big deal.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harrietsmama* 
Well, she does it just fine at my house, so I don't know why she won't at his house. I started with standing outside the shower and helping her get through each step - like our conditioner is *really* a PIA to get out for a kids' conditioner. She also wanted to check if she rinsed all the way in front of her hair, so I told her how to do it standing away from the shower, all the funny gyrations we do to get the pink parts clean







etc. and now she does it fine. She won't do it at his house and he won't make her...*sigh* I come from a montessori background, learning by doing & watching. xdh treats them like fragile little babies. It's always







: umm fun when they get back from his house after the summer. They think they are totally helpless! I got my own juice and waffles when I was 5!

I'm unclear. It sounded from your original post like she wasn't totally independent at the shower at your house either. Did I misunderstand that?


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I sometimes shower with my son who is 5.5 and will continue to do so until one of us is uncomfortable, or wants more privacy.

I grew up in a pretty open home ... and I'm the same way. I don't prance around nude, but I do go from the bathroom to my bedroom naked, sleep topless and change with the door open, etc.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

i have to say, I do think its a bit odd that she is independant at one house and not the other..


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
I'm unclear. It sounded from your original post like she wasn't totally independent at the shower at your house either. Did I misunderstand that?

I just didn't make it clear, sorry. She *can* do it at my house, but she would like me to be in there. I'm just struggling myself with the change of getting both kids clean at the same time to her taking a shower then getting getting Crispin in the bath. He is still way freaked out about water in his face so I still wash his hair, whole separate frustrating issue. He's 6 1/2. I am hoping he will calm down a little now that we are done building the house and in it (since January) and when he comes home after summer, it will be to a totally finished gonna stay right here environment ya know? If not, than I will have to go back to pushing the school on helping me discern if he has some sort of issue like a sensory issue or something. He has been a bit of a ping pong ball. W were just getting settled into our new life when I got a settlement with soc sec. And used it to build us a house that wasn't dangerously falling apart and totally infesteduke So then we up rooted him again. (Harriet too, she just seemed to handle it a little better)


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:

uhm... well i think it depends on the kid and the parent. Once either one feels uncomfortable it should probably stop.
Totally agree with that!

In our house, we're naked only for practical reasons (like getting out of the shower or changing clothes). We don't lounge naked. That said, it's no big deal if we walk in on each other and we'll probably always be that way since we're an all-girl family.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

no limits here. if the kids are uncomfortable, then they put clothes on. my parnter isnt really a nude type person and is clothes when in main parts of our house. i have no problem being nude around my kids. i take my cues from them (e.g., i am not intentionally nude around my teenager, as he has been quite modest for the last 3 or so years...but he does walk in on me in the bathroom if he wants something and doesnt think twice about it....its mainly b/c nudity is not a "state" in our home..its just a person, w/o clothes on...and not a big deal).


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I think your xDH has a valid concern, that you should not begrudge him.

Most people are more accepting of littles showering with their daddies, but it's very possible that he is really afraid of what other people think and doesn't want them to get the wrong idea.

Your SO/his family and your mother are freaking out about this. Do you think that your xDH doesn't know that? It doesn't sound like you think he is a stupid man.

Unfortunately, he may feel the need to protect himself, since people can and do call CPS and make assumptions. While it's sad that he must feel that way it is totally valid and understandable for him to do so.

I think you need to respect that. How often is she at his house? Skipping a bath for a few days won't be a big deal, just show her how to do a washcloth bath.

I don't understand why you're upset with him, for not showering with her, when by your own admission everyone else seems to know about it and are 'freaked out'. That's a very dangerous place for him to be in.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

Not yet. dd has only just turned 6 though and still needs help with some things. I usually help her with baths (specifically hair washing) and anything to do with her genitals (looking at soreness, etc) but dh wouldn't have a problem helping her either.

When our kids get older I assume they will naturally start becoming less comfortable running around in just underwear (we don't do completely nude as the 2 yr old thinks that an exposed butt means he should smack it while yelling "butt, butt!")


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I think your xDH has a valid concern, that you should not begrudge him.

Most people are more accepting of littles showering with their daddies, but it's very possible that he is really afraid of what other people think and doesn't want them to get the wrong idea.

Your SO/his family and your mother are freaking out about this. Do you think that your xDH doesn't know that? It doesn't sound like you think he is a stupid man.

Unfortunately, he may feel the need to protect himself, since people can and do call CPS and make assumptions. While it's sad that he must feel that way it is totally valid and understandable for him to do so.

I think you need to respect that. How often is she at his house? Skipping a bath for a few days won't be a big deal, just show her how to do a washcloth bath.

I don't understand why you're upset with him, for not showering with her, when by your own admission everyone else seems to know about it and are 'freaked out'. That's a very dangerous place for him to be in.

I think you missed something or I wasn't clear. My original concern is that despite his own desire to have his own shower, he is continuing to shower with my 8 yo dd at her request. He could care less what anyone thinks of how he parents. I could care less as we started our family together as a nudity does not equal sex mindframe and so far, I trust him except the areas I think he is a moron ( like money) which is why we aren't married anymore. My so and family and my mom her brother are all freaking about it from the molestation/cps perspective. dd can do it herself and he won't make her despite saying he would prefer his own shower. I posted to get feed back because I am a little overwhelmed and I don't know what to think anymore! They are all paranoid about it. I think there is an issue, but until after chatting a bit about it here it didn't occur to me what it may be from her perspective - the need for her own time with daddy.


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## fyoosh (May 9, 2005)

We sleep nude here, and will run around that way after bathing or whatnot. I am fine being nude around my son (5.5), but when my stepson was around 3 or 4 (he is 10 now) I stopped being nude around him. I am just not comfortable with that for some reason, even though I have known him since he was born. So when he is here, I cover up. My son is comfy being nude around us, but no one else (like he freaks out if he is nude and my stepson's mom comes over). If he starts becoming uncomfortable with my nudity around him, or his around me, we will change things, but he doesn't seem to care at the moment.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Your dd is 12, is that right? To me, this sounds like an anxiety issue of hers and I would really focus on that. Your xDH can wear shorts in the shower if that makes everyone feel better about it. You might want to chat with your xDH about the concerns that have come up and how the real issue is addressing your dd's issues with showering alone.

Honestly, I think I would really be way more focused on helping your dd overcome whatever issues she has - maybe just use a leave-in conditioner. I think there are a lot of solutions to this issue and, from what I can glean, it really isn't about nudity but about the fact that your dd is feeling anxious about a daily task of living.


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## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

We're the nekkid family, I'll just start with that. DD has become more modest in the last year since puberty has taken hold. She does not run around nekkid anymore, but has no issue stepping out of the shower to get soap or something while I'm in the bathroom. DH quit running around w/o clothing when DD was 3 because of a (really funny) comment she made. He just doesn't feel comfortable. DS has to be a nudist at heart. I have no problem running around naked either, and neither of the kids have never reacted oddly about it yet. BUT, none of us typically shower together either. Well, two of us do from time to time, but that's not what we are talking about here.


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
As long as the kids are comfortable with it I think that there isn't a problem. If it is something they do because they think you want them to be babied though then I think that is a problem. Kids often do what they think we want them to do and it might be that they can and do want to shower on their own but they worry about how you and xdh will take that because they think you want them to act like and be babied. I think it would be a good idea to try to watch their behavior objectively to see if that might be occuring and possibly discuss this situation with them and just ask them if that is what is going on and reassure them that you and your xdh will love them unconditionally no matter how they act.


I agree. I still bathed with my mom WAY past when I was comfortable, cause I thought she'd be hurt if I said I didn't want to.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

FWIW, it sounds like this is not so much about nudity as about your xdh placing age-appropriate expectations on your kids, and maintaining proper boundaries. It sounds like your dd isn't asking to shower with xdh because she likes it as much as it makes an unpleasant situation slightly less unpleasant. I agree with pp that helping her cope with her shower anxiety would be a better path. I'm guessing that your dd is aware that your xdh doesn't really want to shower with her, and I think he would be setting a good example if he were to look for a way to make her comfortable in the shower that doesn't require that he ignore his own discomfort. Being naked with someone when you'd rather not is not a good example.

It sounds like they're stuck in an old pattern, and it's time to find a new one.

ZM


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
Your dd is 12, is that right? To me, this sounds like an anxiety issue of hers and I would really focus on that. Your xDH can wear shorts in the shower if that makes everyone feel better about it. You might want to chat with your xDH about the concerns that have come up and how the real issue is addressing your dd's issues with showering alone.

Honestly, I think I would really be way more focused on helping your dd overcome whatever issues she has - maybe just use a leave-in conditioner. I think there are a lot of solutions to this issue and, from what I can glean, it really isn't about nudity but about the fact that your dd is feeling anxious about a daily task of living.

Actually, she is 8 and I think the main issue is a cry for more just daddy & me time.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zeldamomma* 
FWIW, it sounds like this is not so much about nudity as about your xdh placing age-appropriate expectations on your kids, and maintaining proper boundaries. It sounds like your dd isn't asking to shower with xdh because she likes it as much as it makes an unpleasant situation slightly less unpleasant. I agree with pp that helping her cope with her shower anxiety would be a better path. I'm guessing that your dd is aware that your xdh doesn't really want to shower with her, and I think he would be setting a good example if he were to look for a way to make her comfortable in the shower that doesn't require that he ignore his own discomfort. Being naked with someone when you'd rather not is not a good example.

It sounds like they're stuck in an old pattern, and it's time to find a new one.

ZM

I don't think the nudity aspect is why he is uncomfortable. It's hard to shave & stuff when someone else is in the shower with you. I think Harriet just wants to be with him without Crispin interrupting.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harrietsmama* 
Actually, she is 8 and I think the main issue is a cry for more just daddy & me time.

That's what it sounds like to me too. Maybe her dad should accompany her in the bathroom, but sit on the toilet, talking to her the entire time. And maybe incorporate a little extra daddy/daughter time into their normal routine.

As for us, the kids still burst in on me from time to time and see me starkers. They both know my breasts were used to feed them, the stretch marks were caused by my growing belly and my private area (call it what you will) was where they 'came out'. To them, my body is anything *BUT* sexual. BUT, DH has been a lot more modest around them in recent years (probably the last 3 or so). I can totally respect that. I'm definitely not as open as I was when they were very small and I'm sure I'll be even more modest in the coming years.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harrietsmama* 
I think you missed something or I wasn't clear. My original concern is that despite his own desire to have his own shower, he is continuing to shower with my 8 yo dd at her request. He could care less what anyone thinks of how he parents. I could care less as we started our family together as a nudity does not equal sex mindframe and so far, I trust him except the areas I think he is a moron ( like money) which is why we aren't married anymore. My so and family and my mom her brother are all freaking about it from the molestation/cps perspective. dd can do it herself and he won't make her despite saying he would prefer his own shower. I posted to get feed back because I am a little overwhelmed and I don't know what to think anymore! They are all paranoid about it. I think there is an issue, but until after chatting a bit about it here it didn't occur to me what it may be from her perspective - the need for her own time with daddy.

Then he could wear swim trunks....and take his own shower by himself later.


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