# What do you do when your child is rude to you?



## UK Mom (Jul 2, 2002)

My four year old is often rude to me. Not so much rude words or anything like that, but it more his tone of voice and attitude. If I say something he already knows he says 'I KNOW that Mom!' in such a rude (teenage-like) voice. Or if I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he grunts ' Uuurgh' or 'O-KAY Mom' in that same tone (although he will do what I have asked). He is most often rude like this to his dad, who hates it.

Today we heard a fire engine but couldn't see it for the trees. So I said it was a fire engine. I didn't realise he heard me, so I said it again, and out comes 'I KNOW that Mom, urgh!'. Oh, I felt my blood pressure rise, and (not proud of this) told him I wouldn't tell him any more about it since he was being so rude.

I don't know how to deal with this kind of rudeness. Not terrible stuff, I know, but I don't want it to be the thin end of the wedge. Do I ignore it? Do I show how angry I am? Any ideas?


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## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

When I am in a good mood, I'll tease him right back and we'll have a laugh. When I am in a bad mood I give him (and _any_ cheeky monkey who speaks to me like I am a thorn in their side) a death ray stare.









Not GD, but it is my natural reaction to that sort of rudeness when I am upset, and it does usually result in a retraction of the comment, an apology and a hug...but I will be







Because I really don't think that is the best way to handle it.


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## Cativari (Mar 26, 2007)

I'm having the same issue with my soon to be 4 year old so I'll be


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Kids learn to speak well before they learn to speak nicely. This is harder said than done, but I found that my sanity was saved a bit by changing my perception from "she's being rude" to "she hasn't learned how to speak politely yet."

And then being very consistent, every time it happened, to say "I don't like to be spoken to that way. You need to ask (talk to me, whatever) in a nicer way." Every time. And give examples, even. "I don't like the tone of 'I KNOW that, mom!' How about 'OK mom' or 'thanks, although I did already know that' with a nice tone of voice instead."

It does take a while but it will help in how they speak to other people as well and will help them forever if they are taught to speak in a nice manner. I personally would try to avoid saying "You're rude" or "don't be rude" as kids tend to live up to or down to whatever labels or expectations they are given.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I have an almost-3.5 yo who has always been precociously verbal, and am dealing with the same thing. I WOH FT, nights, and DH has them for 90% of the time I'm gone - she NEVER speaks to him like that.

Some days I tell her that I don't like to hear that voice, and she knows exactly what I mean because it stops instantly. Other times I don't think she means it to come out like that, but she IS exploring the power of her words - both what she says and how she says it, and the impact that has.

it can be downright infuriating, and I have no idea how to properly handle it in a wondergully AP/GD way.

Have heard good things about How to talk so your kids eill listen and how to listen so your kids will talk, but not sure it'll address this issue.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

LOL how old is he?
Sounds like me when I was oh about 12-when I moved out at 18....Add in an eye roll and totally me. (oh yeah and add muth-ER)









That being said....now that I am on the other side. Right now Tyr is only 3 so when he does that sorta thing I just chuckle and think of what I have to look forward to. I will tell him...oh mommy didn't know if you heard her. I will also remind him that it is polite to let someone know you heard them.


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## sgmom (Mar 5, 2009)

Have you straight out asked him WHY he uses that tone of voice? I can't help but wonder if he feels that you nag him, or don't give him enough credit for the things that he feels proud of. I'm not saying that you do these things... just that it may feel that way to him.

That said, I agree with mamazee.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UK Mom* 
Today we heard a fire engine but couldn't see it for the trees. So I said it was a fire engine. I didn't realise he heard me, so I said it again, and out comes 'I KNOW that Mom, urgh!'. Oh, I felt my blood pressure rise, and (not proud of this) told him I wouldn't tell him any more about it since he was being so rude.

Rephrasing this to say "Do you hear the fire truck?" might have made all the difference in his reaction.

(edited to fix quote)


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I call them on it and model in the moment how to be more polite. I say "that sounded rude. Please say it again politely." Some days it's "hey, try again." In something like the fire truck incident, I would say "There is no need to be rude. I didn't know you'd heard me. You can say "Thanks mom, I already heard you.""

I have vivid memories of being told that I was "sassy" as a child. I'm sure my tone was rude because I felt strongly about a lot of things. But because my tone was rude (and I didn't realize it), my parents also didn't hear the message. They also didn't tell me what I should be doing, just that I was being mouthy. It was so frustrating to me.

So my reaction to my kids is based on that. I want them to learn to phrase things politely, and once they do (or make a good effort to), then I respond to the message.

As they get older, I'm starting to point out to them that if your tone is rude, people focus on that and they don't hear your message. So, to be heard, they need to work on tone. That message might be a little beyond a 4 year old. When my kids were 4, we just worked on rephrasing politely.


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

I try not to label my kids behavior as rude or disrespectful because when i have the thought "she's so disrespectful" it really triggers me. I try (on my good days) to get to the root of it (what are my needs right now? what are her needs right now?).
In the case of the fire truck, I'd model like the pp have said "Honey i didn't know you'd heard me. Next time could you say "Ok mom I heard it" that feels better to me". Just like i do if they say "i want a glass of soymilk!" i just say very neutrally "Mom can i have some soymilk please?" and then they almost always say it the second way. I'd say 9 times out of 10 they ask for things nicely. If they don't say thanks i just say, again with a neutral tone "thanks mom!" to show them how i'd like to be treated when i do something for them.

Someone brought up "how to talk so kids will listen" and one big thing I got from that book was that its ok to reveal your feelings. "I don't like being talked to that way/I feel angry when i'm criticized like that/In this house we don't blame, we ask for what we need/I need to be treated with kindness" You are only commenting on your feelings and the behavior, not on the child. You aren't saying "you are so rude! Quit talking back! You make me so mad!" etc. You are stating your needs and your honest emotions and what you would like to see. Sometimes if i'm really ticked I'll say "i don't feel like getting something for you when you ask me like that".

Sometimes its just recognizing that we all get in crabby moods, sometimes we are tired or hungry, and we all snap. She's not rude or disrespectful, but she needs understanding, connection and to have modeled for her how to treat people even when she's feeling annoyed. HTH.


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## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Interesting. That books sounds like NVC for parents and kids.

This is what I feel...This is what I need.

Makes sense.


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## UK Mom (Jul 2, 2002)

This is great stuff! I am going to write down these ideas to think through later, so they can sink in. Thanks so much everyone!


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## SallyN (Feb 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Kids learn to speak well before they learn to speak nicely. This is harder said than done, but I found that my sanity was saved a bit by changing my perception from "she's being rude" to "she hasn't learned how to speak politely yet."

And then being very consistent, every time it happened, to say "I don't like to be spoken to that way. You need to ask (talk to me, whatever) in a nicer way." Every time. And give examples, even. "I don't like the tone of 'I KNOW that, mom!' How about 'OK mom' or 'thanks, although I did already know that' with a nice tone of voice instead."

It does take a while but it will help in how they speak to other people as well and will help them forever if they are taught to speak in a nice manner. I personally would try to avoid saying "You're rude" or "don't be rude" as kids tend to live up to or down to whatever labels or expectations they are given.

I think I'm just going to start following mamazee around saying "ditto"
that's not e-stalking is it?








(mamazee... I don't suppose you're in Illinois down near St. Louis are you?)


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)




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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SallyN* 
I think I'm just going to start following mamazee around saying "ditto"
that's not e-stalking is it?








(mamazee... I don't suppose you're in Illinois down near St. Louis are you?)

Yes, that area.

And thanks.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

We have a "gentle and kind" mantra that we say _all the time_. When something is not gentle, I just ask her if she thinks the way she just spoke to me was "gentle and kind" and then tell her that we are all trying to speak to each other "gently and kindly." (I think she's never going to want to hear those words again by the time she's ten, I say them so much! "Be gentle and kind to the dog . . . . that television show is not gentle and kind . . . . "







)

Nowadays, all I have to do is look at her, not even angrily, and she will usually have already covered her mouth, as if the unkind voice had escaped (it's kind of funny looking, actually, she looks so surprised). She'll say that she's sorry (not in that creppy way), and we move on. I have, on occasion, told her that it is unacceptable to speak to me that way.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
And then being very consistent, every time it happened, to say "I don't like to be spoken to that way. You need to ask (talk to me, whatever) in a nicer way." Every time. And give examples, even. "I don't like the tone of 'I KNOW that, mom!' How about 'OK mom' or 'thanks, although I did already know that' with a nice tone of voice instead."

That, along with the "look".









Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
I have an almost-3.5 yo who has always been precociously verbal, and am dealing with the same thing. I WOH FT, nights, and DH has them for 90% of the time I'm gone - she NEVER speaks to him like that.

And that too, with my 3.5 year old. It's maddening.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

After nearly 3 years of it, I determined that modeling wasn't going to work. I'm now much more explicit in asking my daughter to "try again," telling her I don't like that tone of voice, or simply walking away and saying I won't let you speak to me that way.

She just turned 7 and I've seen a lot of improvements. It's been a HUGE problem for us - bleeding over into school.


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## applecider (Jul 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellien C* 
After nearly 3 years of it, I determined that modeling wasn't going to work. I'm now much more explicit in asking my daughter to "try again," telling her I don't like that tone of voice, or simply walking away and saying I won't let you speak to me that way.

She just turned 7 and I've seen a lot of improvements. It's been a HUGE problem for us - bleeding over into school.

Sorry to revive this thread, but this is what I am wondering. How long do you model before they should be expected to get it? I am so at my wit's end. It is maddening to have to "deal" with this on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

You kind of have to model polite behavior their entire childhood. Once our DD was 3.5 I started talking to her about how people react to our behavior. So when she's rude I say "that sounds rude, you might want to use a friendly voice instead". Talking about how other people view us and react to our behavior works well with DD because she's very social and she wants other people to want to talk and play with her.


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## Nansense (Jan 5, 2009)

Dealing with this on a daily, hourly basis...yes! On good days, I re-phrase/model for them and they automatically re-word it. But, man....by 4:00, saying the same thing for the 50th time that day.....maddening!!!


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Hmm. Let me think about this. I recently started to learn a 4-step process from the Non Violent Communication book by Marshall Rosenberg, so let me try that here...
1) You just spoke to me in a very impatient tone of voice. It had a rude feeling to it.
2) I felt disrespected when I heard that tone and angry too.
3) I have a need for our house to be a place where we are all treated with respect, so...
4) Next time you're impatient with me, could you please tell me with words instead of that tone of voice?

That sounded pretty good. But maybe a little long-winded for a four year old.

Another thing I might try is to just ask flat-out. "Are you feeling impatient with me? That's how your tone of voice sounded." See what he says. He might not know how "rude" it sounds to you. He might just be expressing impatience, and he hasn't got the social graces down pat yet.


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