# Please convince me it's not my fault.



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm having a horrible time feeling like I caused my baby's death. I comprehend that I didn't do it on purpose, but I'm not confident that this was just coincidence:

About 4 weeks before I conceived, I _insisted_ that we go to a state park. At the park, I got Lyme disease. (Lyme affects every cell including hormones.) It was 7 weeks after that, 3 weeks into the pregnancy, that I lost my baby. Nobody else wanted to go to the park, I insisted. And now I feel like if I hadn't, I'd have my baby.

If any of you can tell me I'm wrong, and especially if you can explain why, please do!


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## KellMcK (Jun 29, 2007)

s to you mama. I couldn't read and not respond - I'm sorry that I have no information on Lyme's disease. Only my sincerest condolences on the loss of your baby.

I wish you peace and comfort on your search for more information, though.

Best wishes to you,
Kelly


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss























All I can tell you is this....I've had two full-term pregnancies (resulting in my two children) and one miscarriage. I've done things "wrong" in each pregnancy before I realized I was pregnant (taken OTC drugs, drank alcohol, eaten sushi, gone in a hot tub....). One time I had a miscarriage. Because I have the benefit and incredible blessing of having 2 healthy births, I can see that the one miscarriage was not my fault. I wasn't perfect with any of the pregnancies, and there were different outcomes. None of us make the perfect choices before we know we are pregnant (or after!), and that does not mean that we deserve or caused our miscarriages.

I don't know why you miscarried. I don't know why I did, either. But I do know that it wasn't your fault because you wanted to go to a state park.

I am really very sorry.


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## tireesix (Apr 27, 2006)

Its not fault. You didn't know you were going to get lymes and you didn't know for sure you would be pregnant thee week after. How could it be your fault????

There is no fault in this situation and it was all just coincidence.

You need to give yourself a break. Stop blaming yourself, its only going to make you hurt worse.

I know that sometimes we need to find blame, after I had a hysterosalpingogram I conceived but lost the baby the day I found out I was pregnant. I blamed myself, I truly believed it was all my fault because of reasons X, Y and Z. I didn't realise that this whole time I was blaming myself, I was leaving my DH out in the cold, I was torturing myself beyond reason and through doing so, I was also torturing my DH.

Let go of the blame and allow your self to grieve. Nobody, not even you, did anything to cause this and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it.

I really hope this isn't sounding harsh because right now I am close to tears for you.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

mama It isn't your fault.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I am so sorry for your loss























All I can tell you is this....I've had two full-term pregnancies (resulting in my two children) and one miscarriage. I've done things "wrong" in each pregnancy before I realized I was pregnant (taken OTC drugs, drank alcohol, eaten sushi, gone in a hot tub....). One time I had a miscarriage. Because I have the benefit and incredible blessing of having 2 healthy births, I can see that the one miscarriage was not my fault. I wasn't perfect with any of the pregnancies, and there were different outcomes. None of us make the perfect choices before we know we are pregnant (or after!), and that does not mean that we deserve or caused our miscarriages.

I don't know why you miscarried. I don't know why I did, either. But I do know that it wasn't your fault because you wanted to go to a state park.

I am really very sorry.

Thank you for saying this. I know it has given me some comfort, and I can only hpe your words have helped the OP as well.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand what you are going through.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Nothing you did caused this. Repeat: nothing you did caused this. Women who abuse themselves and their bodies tremendously are able to deliver term babies. If they can do this despite the drugs or alcohol they are putting into their body or despite eating like crap or not eating to conceal a pregnancy, nothing YOU did caused this.

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are hurting so badly. Please please don't blame yourself.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

PP, thanks. Thanks to all of you actually!

You're right about all the irresponsible moms pulling off healthy babies. I know I didn't do anything I can be blamed for, but I sure wish I was certain I didn't "make an oops."


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Of course it's not your fault!

Do you really think that every pg mama does everything "perfectly" and never ever falls down, or doesn't eat properly, or used alcohol or medication before she knew she was pg- most women do things "wrong" at one point or another during pg.

And goodness- blaming yourself for going to the park where the tick bit you? If anything blame the stupid tick!


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)




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## terrabella (Oct 19, 2005)

Of course it's not your fault.


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## jampoos (Aug 4, 2007)

Please don't blame yourself.

I don't know much about lyme disease, though looking at the net articles, it seems like nothing conclusive has been established as yet.

I know whatever everyone will say to convince you, at some level you will keep wondering the - what if? All i can say is that you did nothing wrong knowingly.
Also, one cannot live in a protected shell 24x7 for the entire 9 months- infact that may result to lack of immunity to the little one growing inside.

Stay strong and positive.

Hugs
Jampoos


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## AnnieMarie (Dec 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *p.s* 
Oh no! It is so not your fault. The time was just not to be for this angel to be here...you just happened to be the mamma to carry this life for awhile. NO ONE knows why or can explain it.
You don't know that this angel would have left even if you hadn't gotten Lyme's, or later without the Lyme's. See you will never know, because it's no one's fault. It just is.









I agree 100% with this, it is something I keep telling myself when I start to blame myself for my babies not making it past 6.5weeks


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Please don't blame yourself. The loss is so hard on you physically & emotionally that adding unnecessary guilt won't do anything but make you feel even worse. I wish you healing in this difficult time


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## Meshell (Sep 4, 2007)

It may not help to make you feel better now, but it may in a few more weeks or months. It has helped me to feel better now 5 weeks later.

Quote:

*Although it may be of little consolation to you, it might be worth remembering that most early miscarriages happen because there is something not 'quite right' with the developing embryo and your body has recognized this. Your body is therefore working really well, and there is no reason why you shouldn't go on and have a perfectly healthy baby.*


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
I'm having a horrible time feeling like I caused my baby's death. I comprehend that I didn't do it on purpose, but I'm not confident that this was just coincidence:

About 4 weeks before I conceived, I _insisted_ that we go to a state park. At the park, I got Lyme disease. (Lyme affects every cell including hormones.) It was 7 weeks after that, 3 weeks into the pregnancy, that I lost my baby. Nobody else wanted to go to the park, I insisted. And now I feel like if I hadn't, I'd have my baby.

If any of you can tell me I'm wrong, and especially if you can explain why, please do!

I think everyone who has ever lost a pregnancy has felt this way!!









I'm sorry you're feeling sad and guilty. I know there's nothing I can really say until you work through things yourself. Believe me, I've been there too. When I lost a pregnancy I was convinced it was because I INSISTED my husband clean up after the dog with bleach and my DP went on a bleach cleaning frenzy and cleaned THE WHOLE HOUSE with bleach, which I then inhaled. I got sick from so much bleach (seriously) and then within a matter of days lost the baby.

It took me a long time to realize it wasn't my fault. I did ask him to clean. He did use bleach because I asked him to. I did breathe it. It did make me sick. I did lose the baby.

BUT, I didn't *choose* to cause the end of my pregnancy. It wasn't on purpose and it really, really wasn't my fault. That's the point you have to work your way to. I wish you well and hope you get there really soon.


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## mmmummy (Mar 12, 2005)

what i always tell myself or others feeling guilt is..did you mean for it to happen,want it to happen,tried to make it happen?? if not,then its just not your fault. you didnt desire to lose your baby. i do understand though,about guilt and it being a hard thing to shake. despite telling myself that,it is something i tend to struggle with,too. and i am so,so sorry that you lost your precious baby.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I didn't read the other responses, because I want to give you my own un-influenced answer.

To me, it's very simple. You went to the park because you wanted to go to the park. You weren't pregnant at the time, you were just being active and wanted to enjoy the outdoors. How could you possibly have predicted that you'd get lyme disease and get sick?? You couldn't. And how could you predict that four weeks later, you'd get pregnant?? You couldn't - even if you were TTC, you still couldn't have predicted that series of events, nor would it be logical for you to have avoided normal things like this if you were already pregnant.

Listen, sometimes things just happen. You can't beat yourself up for going to the park; that's a normal activity! If you'd been pregnant and you deliberately put yourself in harms way; THEN you could consider it your fault; but this was just a situation that was just simply out of your control.

If you're having a hard time coping, maybe you should work with a professional to sort this out...? Take care of yourself, mama, and get better. You need your strength for your future babies.







There was nothing you could have done to change the situation.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

There is nothing you did to cause this. Remember that.

Sending you peace. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

We have no idea why these events happen and they suck. I'll admit it. I never could imagine something like this but we cannot blame ourselves.

Huge hugs!

Love and prayers,


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## Degas (Sep 13, 2007)

You'll make yourself sick and depressed with all the what-ifs. What-if I didn't do this or did do that. It's most definately, definately, not your fault. It shows that you are a great Momma for being so concerned. But there's nothing you could have done because you didn't know. We do the best we can with what we have and what we know. If you hadn't gone to the park, you could have gotten lyme disease in your backyard or you could have unbeknowst to you breathed in pesticides or fumes from your neighbor, etc. Also, if you had stayed in your house, maybe you would have breathed in mold or caught an infection from bacteria, etc. There are a thousand things that can happen but usually don't. How many times have you gone to the park and NOT gotten lyme disease? We can't live in a glass house for fear of what can happen. It was *not* your fault!

That said, I have trouble not thinking those thoughts myself. I think it is natural to think about the what-ifs, what-if I hadn't done that my baby might be here. But, I think you can drive yourself to depression if you dwell on it too much and blame yourself. I don't know, but I think it has helped me to tell my husband these thoughts and have him say that they are ridiculous, it's not my fault. My what-ifs are: What if I didn't go to the fair, What if I didn't pick my daughter up several times and put her on the carousel, What if I didn't breath in the smoke from some of the smoking carnival workers? But, with my daughter, I was much more oblivious and less careful. I did lots of lifting, breathed in some second-hand smoke from friends by accident, and went flying in a small two-seater airplane that did loops, etc. She is a four year old healthy girl.

We do the best we can with what we know. We will rack ourselves with guilt if we entertain all the what-ifs. Don't beat yourself up and be nice to yourself Momma. God bless you, and I am sorry for your loss.


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## ChrisR (Jun 21, 2007)

It truly was not your fault


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