# Sticky  High needs child



## tracyamber

I don't know where to post this. Doesn't quite fit in gifted or special needs💬
Plain and simple my 4 year old is high needs/spirited. It's exhausting. I feel totally exhausted today and I want to cry. Today I wanted to make it special and we went out to lunch with our 4 month babe as well. Everything was great but afterwards the bakery we sometimes go was closed because of a cake delivery run. Anyway, he just freaked out. He's so intense. I've read the spirited child book ...... Are there any other mamas out there with spirited children. What do you do to deflate? How do you navigate to sudden mood changes? How do you embrace the clingyness?? 
If you just want to give me a hug that would me nice😔
Right now I'm just mothering to focus my brain on something.


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## newmamalizzy

You've probably read my desperate posts about my 5 year old DD :relaxed:. It is a constant struggle. She is always demanding something ofe in one way or another. And now she's started doing the same to her 8 month old sister. Even when she's not directly engaging with us, she does things clearly wNting us to see/hear. I have to work SO hard to love her. Well, not love her exactly. I overflow with live for her from a distance, but she can just really, really wear on me. So, yes, hugs. I definitely get it.


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## tracyamber

Your so sweet for replying and the hug. Hugs to you too. I did read a response you wrote a that seemed so true for me...... Oh baby easy because first one was hard, that comment.


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## tracyamber

Wow, no other mamas of high needs children? Do you think I should post in another forum?


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## newmamalizzy

Is this in the general parenting? Maybe cross post in the childhood section?


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## newmamalizzy

While I'm here, can you expand more on "doesn't fall into gifted or special needs" and what you mean by that? I think it's interesting that it's the first thing you said. I often suspect my DD of being not quite (but maybe??) BOTH of those things. We actually just started therapy to see if we can sort things out a bit. I'm just always right on the cusp of thinking there must be something wrong.


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## head4thehills

No, you are not alone. 

I just came across this thread in the parenting forum, because I was hoping to find some advice for parenting my very spirited d.s. I love him immensely and wouldn't change him for the world, but I am so very exhausted, and more than a little frustrated. He can be fine and play imaginatively for long periods of time, but there are even longer periods when he behaves in an argumentative and uncooperative manner. He will contradict me for the sake of being contradictory and try to lay down the rules as though he were the parent. I try to be authoritative, not authoritarian or jellyfish, but can't seem to get it right. I don't know whether to ignore his behaviour when he gets whiney/loud/demanding, or try to reason with him, bargain with him, talk gently to him, be more firm with him or what. 

Parenting books that I've found in the library don't seem to help. Sometimes they make me feel worse, because they suggest I'm not parenting him right, but only give vague advice on what I'm doing wrong. Something like, "the well-behaved child knows what is expected of him/her, but the misbehaving child has received no clear expectations from the parent.". They don't seem to acknowledge that it is more difficult to get through to some children, what kind of behaviour is "expected if them". I know better books have been suggested by MDC members, but quite frankly I can't afford to buy them right now. 

I just wish I could know of some real parenting tools I could use in specific situations, and be able to remember how to implement them in moments when I feel overwhelmed, or frustrated, or tired, or am just very busy, like when I am cooking dinner. It's hard to know if anything I do is the right thing, especially when my own 4 y.o. son is telling me I do everything wrong.

Now, I said I wouldn't change him, because when he is pleasant his high energy and spirited playfullness seems to be a great asset. He sings, dances, and has the most amazing vocabulary of motor sounds that he can make with his mouth. He is keen on so many subjects that I don't care if he isn't ready to settle down enough to learn to read and write. I assume, and hope that that will come in good time. He is only four, after all.

But I just wish I could keep up with him, and teach him not to turn the house upside down every five minutes, go to the bathroom when he needs to, and sit down at the table to eat.

Sorry to ramble on so much on your thread, Traceyamber. In short, I do want to give you a hug too, and tell you I think my d.s. could also be described as spirited/high needs. 

Does anyone have any parenting advice along this line? I am willing to splurge on a book if you have found anything truly helpful. Are there other threads in this forum addressing spirited/high needs children?

By contrast my 1 y.o. d.d. is much easier to parent. She just started to use the potty and is absolutely consistent. I don't have to remind her to go, she tells me. She pitches in with cleaning up messes, and even chases after her big brother with the clothes I've been trying to get him to put on for the past hour. I used to think I was a bad parent, but (and I'm not trying to blame the child here) sometimes it seems that temperament overrules our very best efforts.

But I want to be the best mother to my son, and help him to thrive with his own very special gifts.


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## newmamalizzy

Sounds so much like my DD! I have found the AhA parenting site very helpful, but I need to read it continually or I lose the lessons.


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## head4thehills

newmamalizzy said:


> Sounds so much like my DD! I have found the AhA parenting site very helpful, but I need to read it continually or I lose the lessons.


Same for me. I should give the site another look. Haven't been there for months.
I wonder if he's just a little bored because I'm too preoccupied with everything? What kind of activities might be really engaging for him...without creating a big mess or fight with his little sister?
Maybe I just need to find a way to give him more of my undivided attention.


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## tracyamber

Oh thank you for the hug. I was feeling a bit isolated and just had given up hope on this thread.
I will have to check out that site as well. We have had company the last few days and ds has had lots of energy. The kind where he just needs to scream and has been either hot or cold. His emotions have no transition. Anyway
I think finding activities for him that are low maintainence for you is important. My ds loves watering the garden. I'll check back in when I have a second!!


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## head4thehills

Anyone have any advice for helping my DS use the toilet regularly? He's fine with #2 , but with #1 , he's always telling us he doesn't need to go, only to get wet within minutes. I'm just not sure what to do or say to help him. It's becoming a problem, as he's developing painful rashes. DD loves to use the potty, but DS just seems to keep playing rather than pausing to go to the toilet. It's rather frustrating and even worrying for us.


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## newmamalizzy

Hope nobody minds a quick vent about my high needs kiddo. 

She's 5, little sister is 9 months. I'm trying to simplify and streamline, but there's still never any time. DD1 has daily swim lessons at the beach and it's great, but a big commitment. We're also dealing with major eczema and encopresis, both of which require extra care. For the eczema, she has to shower ASAP after using sunscreen, and shower must be short. Lotion has to go on right after any shower. So that sequence is happening twice a day. Then she had to sit on the toilet for 5 minutes after each meal for the encopresis. It doesn't sound like much, but it's just adding too the already too high number of transitions in our day. She fights each thing so it takes longer and she has no time to play, which makes her even more grouchy. Screaming, tantrums ensue. Yesterday she said I was making her miserable and that she'd be better off with another mom  I feel for her, because things really do just feel too busy, but I'm not sure what else we can drop. I'll be glad to go on vacation....


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## head4thehills

So sorry to hear that, Newmammalizzy. I'm sure she doesn't mean what she says, but it's still so heartbreaking to hear. I know I feel really down on myself when DS says I'm being mean, or I'm a bad mama. I take it to heart all too much.

I think transitions are among the toughest things to do well with some children. I have to give DS several "5 minute" or "1 minute" warnings before we do anything or go anywhere, but sometimes I forget and just jump into the transition, only to have him screaming, crying and protesting over it. I'd like to find some more techniques, other than bribery, threats and time signals to get him to do things. 

I have the AHA Parenting site open... but it's just so much to read. Doesn't help that I'm every bit as easily distracted as my DS!


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## philothea

Hi mamas, hugs to all of you! It sounds like each of you are going through a rough time with your little ones. My 3 yr old DD is high needs/very spirited and i actually logged into mothering looking for advice, especially on gentle discipline but stumbled upon this. I hear ya! I am right there with you. So if like to ask a question and then I will share a few things that really help me. So What do you guys use as gentle discipline with your hn lo? I'm trying to figure out my center with it all. I was spanked as a child and i still have huge scars and wounds and a bad relationship with my parents. I will NEVER go that route but since that is all I ever knew, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to enforce boundaries and limits and such. I had been using gentle time-outs where she sits in a chair in our kitchen and I've explained to her that we all need to take time-outs sometimes. And it's true! She sees mama and papa take time-outs individually when we just need to calm down and re-group. But lately the time-out seems to be losing its effectiveness. It's like she doesn't even care. and I keep feeling like I need something to be a consequence for her actions so she understand she can't do certain things (like hit her brother.) any help?

I definitely don't think that I have it figured out (at all!) but because pp's have asked a few questions for help, I'd like to answer a few of them and let you all what works for us (sometimes  and when I remember to implement some of this it really helps! I know it may seem simple and basic, but honestly in the day-to-day for me, I can easily forget and just get frustrated. 

*when dd is bouncing off the walls, and completely uncooperative I check in with what might be going on in the bigger picture: is she tired/hungry? (Those are usually big reasons for her worst behavior.) 

*if she's not tired or hungry then "how much exercise has she had today?" I don't know if it's universal but I've seen that part of my daughter being spirited includes that she is high-energy and can run and run at the park for easily 3 hours a day just to have her energy stores level. If we don't go for a long walk to the park and spend ample time outdoors, then she has a "bad day" absolutely, no question. On days when it's unseasonable to be outside, we go to an indoor children's gym. 

*on the flip-side I ask myself "is she over-stimulated?" She needs to get out of our house everyday and do something engaging for her, but at the same time, she can easily become over-stimulated if it is a busy, overwhelming atmosphere. This ALWAYS happens when we are with family, big get-togethers, ect. She can't have that much stimulation and new boundaries for too long or else she starts to loose it. Also if I am dragging her from one errand to another or one scheduled event to another and she does t have the freedom to just "be" then she is a different kid. Screaming, acting out, crazy kid. When I've noticed that and realized the cause, I try to give her a quiet place to play by herself with non-stimulating toys like blocks or books. I'm not sure if she is an introvert but I'm definitely considering it. 

*if she all the above is met, then ask "is she bored?" Sometimes she is sick of her same toys and environment at home. So we change it up. We make play dough. I set up her dolls for a tea party. I have her help me "cook." I've noticed that having her help me with chores is something that she loves! So long as I make it fun and have a positive outlook on it. Big smile and excited voice: "Hey do you want to help me unload dishwasher?" "You do? Great! Can you hand me those spoons?" Etc. 

*a huge resource that I would love to recommend to all you mamas is the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." I just got it and I have not been able to put it down! It is helping me with not only how I talk to my kids but how I talk and listen to my spouse and my friends and everyone as well. Also, it is showing me why sometimes I feel understood and listened to and other times I few more frustrated when I talk to people. I haven't finished the book but one of the driving points is that we need to validate our kids' feelings and that oftentimes, our kids' behaviors are directly correlated with how they are *feeling!* if we help them with their feelings, then we help them to naturally be in a better disaposition and mood. And don't we all! When we feel understood! 

Ok and now I just realized that I wrote the longest post on mothering while nursing my da to sleep so I will stop there and look forward to reading more from you all later. Good night!


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## head4thehills

Oh, good! My library has that book. I'm going to pick it up asap, as it sounds exactly like what I need.
I'm just dashing off, so can't write quite such a long post, but want to thank you for yours, philothea. It looks like these are exactly my DS's issues. 
OK, it's raining, so maybe I won't be taking off just yet. I was about to take the lo's outside to burn off some steam but now we have to wait, and I can write a little more. If the mosquitoes weren't so bad here this time of year, we'd get more time outside in our own backyard. The best place to get away from the bugs these days is the beach!
I'm kicking myself that I haven't signed up DS for some summer programs, such as soccer or art camp. By the time I got around to it, everything was all booked up. But the problem is I don't feel ready to let him go to these places on his own just yet. We'll be a homeschooling family, so my struggle will be with finding more ways to get him out and socialize with other kids, and to feel secure with leaving him in the care of people I don't know all that well. Just getting out of the house is not always easy for me, as an introvert and a homebody. 
I know he is affected by all the things you've mentioned: overstimulation, boredom, tired/hungry, under-exercised, etc. I also think that I'm getting better at dealing with his behaviour in more constructive manners, rather than just feeling frustrated, irritated or fatigued. It helps that DD is getting a little older and less demanding of me physically these days, so I can take a little more time to be focussed on DS's needs as well. Sometimes, if I just give him 5-10 minutes of undivided attention, and get him going on some toys/games, he's able to keep playing on his own for longer, while I proceed with other tasks I need to do.
Also, having enough stability and a consistent routine in the household helps a great deal. When we were out too much, and the majority of our time at home consisted of me frantically trying to get meals cooked and the house tidy, DS's behaviour reflected my lack of attention to him. Just these past couple of weeks, I've seen vast improvements in his bathroom habits and his behaviour, because I've been more consistent at home and have given both children more of my direct attention. This morning, for instance, I was shocked to see him cleaning up after himself, and going to his dresser to pick out his own clothes and put them on without my assistance. Never mind that his shorts are on backwards. I've rarely been able to get him to dress himself before now.
So, things have been getting better!
The rain has now cleared up, so off we go...


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