# 9 yr old flirting/ chatting with men online



## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

Maybe some of you recall my other thread about my 9 yr old "drama queen" (she proudly calls herself that!). She is very emotionally volatile and we were having the worst time with her about 5-6 months ago. She was constantly throwing screaming, hysterical fits, threatening to call the police and claim we are abusing her, threatening to jump out a window, threatening to stab herself with knives, insulting and berating me and her siblings. Well I finally put my foot down and sternly but calmly set very clear limits on what was acceptable and what wasn't, and what the consequences would be if she crossed the line (24 hr loss of computer use-- a big deal around here), and that even if she doesn't feel it, she does have control over her behavior. It took about a month of daily, very very strict sticking to my word and not giving into her screaming fits, but she has improved. It's gone from a "10" on a 1-10 scale of severity to a "6" or "7" at its worse and the outbursts are less frequent, and (for now anyway) she no longer makes violent threats against herself or us.

About 2 weeks ago we caught her chatting in a very flirty way with guys online-- she was lying to these men saying she is 22 and manages a beauty salon!







I was floored! One, because we are very strict about internet usage and I thought we were being vigilant, and two, because she has lived a very sheltered life, never seen a movie beyond PG, my DH and I have a very stable relationship, she has never been exposed to anything disturbing or adult except maybe a few PG-13 comic books. So I was amazed she would even know how to be so coy and flirty (I read the chat logs and she really did sound like an adult woman!).

She was chatting with these guys through a video game that we let her use. We always turn off the chat channels when our kids play this game but she turned them back on. I sat down and explained to her that these men were much older than her, and would she go up to a grown man on the street acting like that? She seemed to understand what I was trying to explain and she promised not to do it again. I had my oldest son check the chat settings before she played this game after that point to make sure the channels were off.

Well today we caught her at it again which I think means she never really stopped! We are very vigilant about her internet/ computer use so she was being VERY sneaky about this and managed to hide it not just from DH and myself but all her siblings. She was having a very flirty conversation with a guy with an x-rated name. I don't know how much she really understands in terms of the sexuality aspect but she is very good at acting cute and flirty and was totally enticing this guy.

So I told her-- she is banned from the game for a week and if I catch her chatting again, that's it, she's not using that game again. I can't believe this is from a 9 year old! My 12 year old daughter would not even know what the word "flirt" means.

I am thinking, though, that she simply cannot be trusted around the computer and that I should perhaps stop all internet access for her entirely. There are so many predators and sick people online who would pounce on someone like her. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to let her have internet access while we are "vigilant" which I thought we already were. The problem is she would be the only in the child house barred from internet access, as my other kids use the internet quite a bit and have been 100% trustworthy and cautious online. I don't want her to feel like even more of a black sheep than she already does.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I say this cautiously. Please don't get angry. Is it remotely possible she's been a victim of sexual abuse? The acting out, the online flirting with older men.... these are the sorts of things that young children who are vicitims do to try to make sense of what happened to them. Well, I don't know about the online thing but I know they often re-inact what happened to them with other children and it is very odd that she keeps seeking this sort of attention at her age. Is their anyone who has access to her? How about her friends? Like I said, victims tend to act things out with other children. Maybe one of her friends experienced something and has been talking or showing things to your DD?

Certainly, deny her online access unless directly supervised for awhile. I'm rarely one to reccomend therapy but in this case, it could really help to have an outside source talk to her and try to help you figure out what is going on.

Hugs to you and the family. I know I'd be pretty freaked out if I found my 13-year-old chatting with older men like this. I don't know what I'd do if it were a 9-year-old!


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

I have to agree that counseling is imperative at this point. You need to know where this is coming from. I would, frankly, cut any and all computer use in your home by anyone but you and Dad unless actively supervised by an adult. That means by you or Dad. Not siblings or anyone else. All cables are disconnected and stay with an adult otherwise.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

This is very scary. Please remove internet access from your home. Take the cables to bed with you at night, she may very well be accessing the internet after you are asleep. And definitely absolutely et her some counseling. The internet chatroom thing can spiral out of control incredibly fast.

My younger "sister" (not by blood but I consider her such) started doing this shortly after she was molested by a cousin (about 11 yrs old). I tried over and over again to help her in different ways, told her parents as well and I can't say for sure that it was the molestation that triggered the behavior, but she seems drawn to it in a way that she can't help. She is also prone to screaming hysterical fits and also considers herself a drama queen. Her mother took her to counseling but arranged things in such a way that my sister never really felt comfortable with the 1st therapist. They took her to another and she was able to dupe the therapist into believing what she wanted her to believe (she told me herself that she had manipulated the therapist so that the therapist would convince her mother to let her have internet in her room.) The last I knew (we haven't had contact for over a year) her parents had taken to burying their heads in the sand. She is DYING to be promiscuous, and the only reason she hasn't is because she is homeschooled and basically on lockdown 24/7. She actually arranged to lose her virginity in the family bathroom at a walmart, while her mother was shopping, but it didn't work out. She was still last I knew talking to multiple men online, receiving money from 3 of them on secret debit cards that she had obtained under a false name, and had resorted to stealing from her mother to buy airtime on her two secret cellphones for "sexting" and picture mail. She had actually almost been kidnapped when she took her father's car (at 14 yrs old) and drove to a nearby shopping center where she was meeting up with a man from online who supposedly was going to whisk her away on an airplane. By a stroke of luck, her grandmother just happened to be shopping there that day, saw her and stopped her in time. She could have been dead.

It was very disturbing to see all this happen to a bright, sweet, beautiful young girl. I know that even if she gets her act together, years of late nights talking to and believing in sleazy men 20 yrs her senior is bound to have an effect on her. PLease protect your daughter no matter what it takes.


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## Mammajamma (Feb 9, 2008)

I agree with whatsnextmom's idea. That was the first thing that I thought of actually after reading the original post, it sounds to me like the child has encountered or been exposed to some sort of sexual abuse. I hope that you can get some help for your daughter but I would definitely restrict all access to the internet from all of the children- without direct supervision. This situation is very dangerous for your daughter to be in and she is further harming herself by pursuing these sorts of encounters with men online- not to mention it is putting your entire family in harm's way, pedophiles will go to all sorts of extents to pursue a victim. What stuck out to me is that the OP's twelve yr old daughter would not know what the meaning of flirt meant but the nine yr old was actually behaving in a much more sexually advanced or knowledgeable way ( about flirtation etc). This is not a positive thing- I would be







if my eight year old was doing this sort of thing. OP I am sending







s your way.


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## catfood (Jan 23, 2011)

frugalmum, something is very wrong. She should not be allowed internet access or games without you sitting right there watching her every move. I second counseling because it's really clear that something serious has happened to her.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I agree that something is going on. I would seek help immediately. None of that is normal for a 9 yr old (besides maybe throwing the occasional fit - but not to the extent of threatening the things that your DD has). The Internet chat is just nuts, and I don't mean to sound rude - it's just shocking to me. I have a 9 yr old, and unlike your DD she has not been sheltered in the things she's heard and seen over time; she's actually a pretty aware kid. BUT, I can't imagine her chatting that way with grown men. No way, no how. I know it seems like a lot of young kids are growing up faster in some ways these days, but that is just really extreme... making me think something is up. Even if she was just reaching/acting out for attention, that's not within the normal realm at her age.

Sorry this is happening. Hope you get her some help and find out what's going on.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I agree with the others.

Your DD needs to be in counseling. Something is seriously wrong and this is far more than a discipline problem.

I also don't understand why she has any internet access at all. It would be completely blocked in my house at this point, and it would stay that way for the foreseeable future. Until we got to the bottom of what was going on in therapy.

*The internet is just a symptom,* and blocking makes her a little safer. However, she is at high risk for very dangerous behavior in other ways. Something is wrong.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Where is the computer located? It should be right in the kitchen/family room/wherever is most centrally located. It should definitely not be anywhere with a door. Ours is at the kitchen desk - anyone can see what you are doing from two different rooms. I don't think restricting the other kids' computer use/time is fair when they have followed the rules. I agree with the idea of taking the keyboard or a wire to bed with you so the computer isn't usable.

I would be coming down on this like a ton of bricks; it is a safety issue. She is too young to understand the risks of what could happen. Can I ask what game it is? Why are adult men on a kids' game - or why is your kid on an adult gaming site? She is being pretty savvy/sneaky for a nine year old who hasn't seen (to your knowledge) anything worse than PG. I think counseling is in order too. How stressful - I'm sorry...


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

Of course as a parent, I would respond immediately and strongly.

But, as a child, I did the same thing. When I was 9-10 the Internet wasn't around yet, but local BBS could be dialed into (before the days of AOL or Prodigy). I was really, really explicit and beyond flirty on there with men much older than me who thought I was older. I wasn't just flirting, it was online sex. Stuff I picked up from schools/friends/looking at adult books/magazines in bookstores when no one was looking. And I was your typical straight A G&T "innocent" little girl! Just to say that there is a CHANCE that it is just exploration/rebellion.

Now back then my parents didn't even know that connecting the phone line to the computer meant you could communicate with others. So they had no clue and there was no way to stop me. But as a parent now I'd do everything in my power to stop it.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

I really really recommend the book Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents matter more than Peers.

"http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297261952&sr=8-1"

-Melanie


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

She's only nine years old.

Nine years old and she was throwing screaming, hysterical fits, threatened to tell the police you were abusing her, threatened to jump out a window, threatened to stab herself with knives, insulted and berated her family. That's not just being a drama queen. This alone, not even counting the flirting with men online, would cause me to get professional intervention for my daughter. I mean, I'm glad you were able to work with her and she calmed down some, that's a really good sign. But this requires a higher level of intervention, immediately.

I completely agree with Linda, your internet situation here is just another symptom of a deeper issue that needs addressing. Yes, take away the internet access, but don't get side-tracked by it. I urge you to find an experienced, well-regarded child and family therapist, someone who meet with you both together and your daughter alone.

If she were older, maybe 12, I'd say the 'drama queen' thing, throwing fits, was just normal, bothersome age behavior. But she's only nine years old. Her behavior seems pretty exceptional.

The good news is that she's only nine years old! Get her help now, so she can be in a healthier, stronger place before she enters her teen years with all the attending challenges that come with.

Please act now, like today. I wish you the very best.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

Quote:


> Nine years old and she was throwing screaming, hysterical fits, threatened to tell the police you were abusing her, threatened to jump out a window, threatened to stab herself with knives, insulted and berated her family. That's not just being a drama queen. This alone, not even counting the flirting with men online, would cause me to get professional intervention for my daughter. I mean, I'm glad you were able to work with her and she calmed down some, that's a really good sign. But this requires a higher level of intervention, immediately.


I wanted to emphasize journeymom's point here. All kids go through tough times, but some of the behaviors you describe aren't normal for any age. I'm especially concerned about the threats of self-harm. That kind of behavior is very dangerous - it can be a sign of a serious mental-health issue, or it can be attention-seeking, and in both cases, it can quickly escalate to a much more dangerous level. Meanwhile, it's terrifying to your other kids (and probably to your dd herself). Even if the threats of self-harm are not continuing, getting professional help for your dd would be a good idea. It sounds like she works really hard to control her surroundings. A good therapist can help her work on positive ways to fulfill that need, and good therapists often have long waiting lists.


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## ell (Jan 3, 2009)

I'm sorry Frugalmum. This must be really difficult.

However, your post sends up some *serious* red flags for me. The acting out in violent ways plus the flirtation and sexual talk.. those are symptoms of something much more serious than simple rebellion. Your daughter needs intervention by a professional, and right now.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

I agree with all the above posters re: this is something that I would seek serious professional help about.

But on top of that: if this video game is on a console, I would unhook the console from the internet, period. The internet component of most console games is not mandatory, and the parental controls on most consoles are weak at best.

I would get and install net-nannying software and use it on all child accounts, even the children who have supposedly been more trustworthy. I would change the password on your wireless router, if you have one, and make sure the kids don't know it. I would block any problematic websites at the level of the router so no one in the house can access them. Just because you haven't seen the 12 year old participating doesn't mean she either hasn't done it herself or hasn't done it with the nine year old.

If it were me, the game in question would be gone -- not just from the 9yo, but from the house. Open chat options (as opposed to the very scripted chat options on kid sites like Webkins, where they can only pick from a series of canned phrases) shouldn't really be part of any game that a 9yo is playing.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Not only would I completely ban her from the internet (and get the computer in a public space, and put heavy parental controls on) I wouldn't allow her over any friend's houses until this is resolved. She could put herself and her friends in danger if she's anywhere near a computer. If you don't homeschool, let the teachers know there is a problem as well. Anywhere there are computers, she needs constant supervision to make sure she's nowhere near them, and hopefully you can find a good therapist. This is very scary, I hope somehow you can get through to her how dangerous this is, but until then no access to the internet.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

nak

she sounds like a very very angry and confused little girl. i would strongly suspect she has been molested. (i say this as a SA survivor who displayed similar behaviour at the same age)

she needs professional help, as soon as possible.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

Thinking more on this, OP:

Games designed for kids tend to have built-in controls to prevent this, by preventing user-generated text from being exchanged with strangers. The games my kids have that allow between-player talking all require two users who want to visit each other's games or chat to first share their game code in person or via email (so they have to know someone IRL to share the info with).Other things my kids do online have special chat modes in which they can choose what they want to say from a pick-list of possible communication ("Hi!" "Are you having fun? Want to go play bingo?").

A game that allows an x-rated username and allows players to chat freely with whoever is online about anythign they want is already a game that is not kidcentric. Since you say you've limited her to PG movies and media, I'd be interested to know what this game is rated, that it would be allowing X-rated names and real-time chat.


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## Lakeeffectsnow (Jan 12, 2011)

Add me to the previous posters. It sounds from your post that your daughter has issues that go beyond internet use and flirting. Please get her professional help. I see many red flags in your post.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I know you say she has a protective home environment, but it really comes off, said in the nicest way possible, that perhaps mom and dad are a little naive. She should not be on the internet at all. Not just grounded for a week. She should not be back on. Not in a week, or a month, or whenever. NOT. I am actually a bit shocked to find a 1 weeks grounding for such huge horrible behavior. Has she been allowed to play this game during the weeks of the problems you have been having with her? I am always puzzled when a parent talks about these sorts of problems, but then admits the child has internet, cell phones, etc. The internet is not PG. I let my children on them as teenagers, an online game, and even when the chat feature was turned off, others could still send messages and follow her and indicate they wanted to chat. She needs to not be online AT ALL.

You need to start by immediately cutting off all internet until she is much much older. Then, since things seem to be extreme, you might want to consult a child therapist. I would actually have her evaluated by a neuropsych. It sounds like there is a lot more going on. Your insurance should cover the neuropsychologist evaluation. If it does not, then if you PM me, I can look to see what other resources I know of. You will want to call right away because there are usually waiting lists at these places. When my son was evaluated (in his case, he has autism spectrum disorder, but they deal with a lot more than just that) it took almost a year on the waiting list.

Does she have a phone of her own? If so, you better check that out too and even take it away until you sort all this out. With no access to the internet, she won't be on email so that should not be an issue either.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> You need to start by immediately cutting off all internet until she is much much older. Then, since things seem to be extreme, you might want to consult a child therapist. I would actually have her evaluated by a neuropsych. It sounds like there is a lot more going on.
> 
> ...
> ...


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

I am trying to weigh whether to get rid of the internet altogether or have extremely heavy parental control (taking wires to room at night, the 9 year old is not allowed on it at all, etc)

In some ways getting rid of it is safer. This is a child who is sneaky about it, and no matter what controls you put on, being viligant 100% of the time is exhausting.

OTOH, you, your DH and other DC might want to use the computer - and they have done nothing wrong. I am not sure how you are going to handle it so it does not seem unfair.

Do her siblings know about her inappropriate online behaviour? If so, you might tell them we have to get rid of the computer for your sister safety. They might be able to understand. If they do not know - there is a question of privacy. Do they even need to know this?

I do not usually lie to my children - but I might in this case: "we are getting rid of the internet because we cannot afford it" or "I have been researching it and the internet is bad for you - hence we are having it out of this house."

I would make a point of bringing the other kids to a place they can access the internet (the library). It may help make the no computer thing go over smoother.

I am not sure how much freedom your 9 year old has - but I would be very careful about who and where she spends her time. I know of 2 kids who do not have internet at home who use it at friends houses, I know of numerous kids who use the internet at the library for such purposes.

In the long term, I think it is borderline impossible to keep the internet away from someone. This is one of the reasons why you must get her into counselling. You can keep her away from the internet for now - but not forever - and you both need to get to the bottom of what is going on so she is safer to herself.

I agree with cutting any cell phone use.

Hugs, mama!


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I don't know what's going on but just wanted to mention that the behavior sounds a lot like my high school best friend's. I met her when she was 13, not 9, but I doubt her fits and threats of self-harm and "drama" stuff were new at 13. My friend really did go out a window once, broke several bones and miscarried a baby. She was 16 at the time. We didn't have the Internet then, but my friend was sexually active from the time I knew her (that is, at least from 13 if not before) and sought love in a lot of wrong places. She was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. She sought love and acceptance and validation through her sexuality. I don't know what the likelihood is that your daughter also is, and if I were you I would be freaking out reading these posts, but I have to admit, I agree with the others that this is serious enough to warrant intervention.

Everyone saw my friend as "crazy" and "dramatic," and my friend even saw herself that way too. I think it served to make her feel even crazier. There was something wrong, but everyone just told her it was *her*, that she was "defective" maybe. She clearly doubted her own memories, her own assessments of events in her life. Rather than see herself as the innocent victim of a crazy, sick abuser, she thought SHE was crazy and sick. I was her young and naive friend, and I always figured she was crazy too - certainly all the adults around her seemed to think so, and they kept trying to "fix" her with medication. So everything pointed to *her* being broken or crazy. I write that not to say that this is definitely something going on with your daughter, but if any of it rings a bell at all, I hope you'll be able to think about it. Most of us who throught my friend was crazy, myself included, loved her and wanted what was best for her, and I think this maybe was the very worst part of the abuse, how it fooled everyone including my friend, and turned it all on her even by those who loved her.

By the way, my friend's abuser was a close family member. Or I should just say it, it was her father. I mention that not to accuse your husband (I could not possibly have any clue) but to say that if there might have been abuse (and we don't even know that at all, obviously) that it's so easy to think it was some distant person when it's more often someone from everyday life, even right at home.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My daughter's friend was texting people in chat rooms. (way back when chat rooms were new) At first, she was telling them she was an adult. She was using a character from a book as her "personality".

My daughter told me, I told my Ex husband, he told the girl's father... the dad asked his daughter, she said it was a lie, and dad believed her. She continued. Most people could tell she was a Troll, but didn't know how young she was. Then someone asked her to go to a private chat room.

About that time, she became obnoxious at home too. Using bad language, cussing at her parents. SHe made herself unlikable. They sent her to her room. (and for some really stupid unexplainable reason, she had a computer in her room)

My daughter was over there with her dad again. She later told me about this private chat room where D says bad words with this guy. So, I told my ex AGAIN, he called the dad and told him again. So, dad bought a program so he could see all the conversations she had on her computer.

The next day, she was supposed to get off the bus at Acoma park instead of her normal stop, and her new friend would meet her there, and they'd walk the rest of the way home together. Turns out, he was a 37 yr old man, and he WAS waiting for her at the park. (so were the police)

The worst part of this????? Her parents ran the Missing and exploited children's office for the entire state. How did they not notice this was happening before it got that far????

SHe hadn't been molested. She was just that girl who had to do everything her parents didn't want her to do. She was precocious and thought she could handle anything, it would be fun, and nothing bad would happen. Even after all of that, she still thought nothing was going to happen. She thought that she would see him in the park and just keep riding the bus to her own stop and go home, and it would be funny.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I won't say it would be impossible to get rid of the internet all together, we all know there is life without internet. I will say that life would be far more difficult in our house. For example, my husband is on-call weekends at least once a month. He needs to field calls and needs to log-in to the work computers from home. Without home internet, he has to sit in the office all weekend "just in case." Almost all my 10-year-olds homework is online... I don't mean research, I mean his actual work is online. I'm sure, under-the-circumstances, we could arrange alternative work with the teacher but it would be difficult. My highschooler would pretty much have to live at the library. I'm currently a SAHM but I organize large quantities of volunteers for a couple organizations for which email is the primary communication. I do have limited internet on my phone but fielding communication with hundreds of people throughout a day without wi-fi would wipe out my plan pretty fast.

If this were us, I'd disable internet on all the computers but one laptop. The other kids could check it out when needed. If the offender needed it, she could sit next to me whatever I was doing. We'd lock it up when not in use.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> I am trying to weigh whether to get rid of the internet altogether or have extremely heavy parental control (taking wires to room at night, the 9 year old is not allowed on it at all, etc)
> 
> ...


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

[SPOILER=Warning: Spoiler!]

[/SPOILER]

Quote:


> I won't say it would be impossible to get rid of the internet all together, we all now there is life without internet. I will say that life would be far more difficult in our house.


We must have our internet. My daughter's homework is turned in through the internet, I need it for work, I need email for work.

I'd move the computer to someplace the child in question couldn't get access to it... but, I don't think I could just get rid of internet.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I agree with your thoughts in your original post--NO computer access for her whatsoever. Put a password on it. Do what you have to do. And figure out why she has such low self esteem.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

FrugalMom,

I'm concerned to hear this being attributed to being a drama queen. The list of behaviors you mentioned strongly suggest the need for a mental health evaluation and treatment. I would encourage you to get her help sooner rather than later. There are many possible explanations for her behavior but any of them suggest the need for something significant to change. I would suggest starting with her pediatrician and asking for a referral for an evaluation and or therapy.


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## BrennaRawks (Feb 10, 2011)

As a mom of a 9y.o. ds, I am agreeing with everyone else. Please get some professional input to get to the bottom of her behavior. I'm so sorry youre going through this mama.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

My dd is 10 now but she was never like what you describe with dd. Also she has zero access to the net unless I am sitting right next to her doing her homework IMO nothing good can ever come of a young child unsupervised on the net.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I've got a 10 year old. What your describing sounds so very very worrisome. In your shoes, I'd be getting my family professional help.


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

I agree with the PP. I also have a 9 y/o daughter and this is way way outside the realm of normal or typical behavior.

If despite all your efforts and vigilence she's able to make these choices, I think the entire family needs some support. I would be concerned about the source of these activities and would be increasing monitoring on older siblings, friends, mentors etc.

What she's doing is so dangerous to her health and wellbeing on so many levels that imo it the response needs to be way beyond just saying she can't play this game any more.

good luck to you.


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

...all I have to say is backing up what everyone else is saying - PLEASE GET HER HELP!

NONE of that is normal behavior. If the chatting with men was happening on it's own I would say it could just be rebellion/curiosity but not when it's coupled with the other behaviors you mentioned. The longer you wait this out the worse it will get, please keep us updated


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

She's reaching out. She needs a lot of help. Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse. Gordon Neufeld in his book "Hold on to your Kids" talks about attachment with older children. The ultimate priority here is to bond with her, no matter how difficult, and this will create a safe base on which everything else can be built. Punishing her won't create trust, and will only make her spiral further, even if on the surface she might be doing better.

I don't agree at all with taking away the internet. There's a lot of fun on the internet for the kids, and the fact that she is going throuhg a lot right now, doesn't mean that everything fun has to be removed. But parental controls have to be installed, the computer has to be in the central area of the house, and she certainly shouldn't be playing on-line games with no moderation. I'd find her safe alternatives, maybe computer games that she enjoys but that are either on the HD, or without the chat option.

One thing for sure, if she were my duaghter, I'd be getting professional help RIGHT AWAY, and I would make everything humanely possible not to alienate her any further.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm another mom of a 9-year-old. Everything I've read here is way outside the realm of normal. Way way outside. I'd get her to a counselor and find out what's going on in her life. hugs to you and her.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *midnightwriter*
> 
> Taking away her priviliges and computer time is a very easy "solution", but it doesn't really address the issue, and is very likely to make things worse.
> 
> ...I don't agree at all with taking away the internet.


I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I agree that punishing isn't going to fix the problem, but this is a kid who doesn't need to be on the internet. It's just a safety issue. She needs real help, but keeping her away from predators in the mean time should be a top priority.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents. I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention. Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem. Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore. Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention. This is not going to stop unless she gets help. I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> I have to agree that counseling is imperative at this point. You need to know where this is coming from. I would, frankly, cut any and all computer use in your home by anyone but you and Dad unless actively supervised by an adult. That means by you or Dad. Not siblings or anyone else. All cables are disconnected and stay with an adult otherwise.


I agree. I went through something last year VERY similar with my 8 yr old DD. She was on an online KIDS site called Roblox and had other supposed "kids" sending her links to sex pictures and sex videos. She got to where she would lock herself in her bedroom with my laptop and I walked in on her one day (by opening the lock and surprising her) and caught her looking at people having sex. :-( It devastated me. The online game sites were off limits for a while for her, even though the only two she rarely played on were both FOR kids, and she finally got better about being truthful and honest. Now she only gets online in my office, which is in the den, or on my laptop in my bedroom. I watch her closely, because even on the kids sites there are adults on there posing as children. :-( It's SICK!! But she loves playing the little games on these sites so I want her to have some fun stuff to do on the net. Thankfully she is getting away from Roblox and the other site she had been doing and is doing more with her baby dolls and watching You Tube on things about caring for her Baby Alive dolls and stuff like that. So it's really not a worry anymore. But please stay on top of this!!!!

And, fwiw, I wouldn't automatically assume your child has been sexually abused. My DD has a very outgoing nature, very headstrong, emotional and can talk about how people hate her and be very moody and temperamental, has been all her life. She is homeschooled and rarely was around anyone alone when younger and not able to tell me things. That's always the first thing some people will assume about such scenarios and it's not always true. I TOO was a very hyper, curious child and teenager and I was virgin til my first boyfriend and wasn't molested or messed with as a child, but I had a HUGE interest in sexual things and men in general.


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *midnightwriter*
> 
> It is possible to keep her away from predator and still allow her to use the fun aspects of the internet. On the other hand, if the only way she uses the internet is for chatting, then it would be appropriate to take it away. My almost 9 year old uses the internet for a lot of innocent things that she enjoys. If she suddenly started doing something inappropriate on the internet, but still enjoyed the other things, I'd just monitor her very closely, and allow her to still have fun.


Normally I would agree with you but I think this situation is an exception. Given that these parents have been surprised not once but twice by this child's internet activities while being what they considered to be very strict and vigilant and that it seems as though there may be other issues at play here I really think that "just monitoring" is not enough in this case to keep this child safe. I agree with Linda that in these circumstances there doesn't seem to be an upside or a need for this child to have access to the net.


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

ITA.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rainbow_mandala*
> 
> Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm most concerned about here: the 9 y.o. or the parents. I say this because all of the behavior that's been described is so far outside the norm that a parent would have to be deep in denial or blind not to realize she has a serious problem that needs immediate attention. Ignoring the fact that they are in a very unhealthy emotional state cannot be remedied by setting limits, and it's very worrisome to me that the OP seems to think this will solve the problem. Just because she has "improved" by the limits that have been set doesn't mean she's actually healed...she's just learned that she's not going to get the attention she's seeking through those means anymore. Case in point, she's looking elsewhere for the unhealthy attention. This is not going to stop unless she gets help. I also suggest the parents look deeper inside themselves and try to figure out why they haven't already gotten her help...


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

There is this wonderful thing on your computer, it is called a plug. Your daughter needs to have high supervision so she doesn't get the plug until you can give it to her. You need a child filter and a family therapist. Sorry but at that age, doing those behaviors to get attentions worries me about the TOTAL situation and what the child needs attention wise.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I just wanted to come back to this thread to add something.

Everyone here is making it about removing the internet from the home but that is not the whole issue.

I shared earlier in the thread about my little sister's behavior. Granted, her folks have their heads in the sand, but she is also very sneaky. I don't know if it is a control thing with her, that the sneakiness gives her a feeling of power and control, or if she just really really wanted to continue with the behaviors no matter what. All I know is that no matter how tightly controlled her environment has become, she has still been able to find ways to get into trouble.

When I was 15 and 16 my mother would take the batteries out of all the cordless phones in the house and sleep with them under her pilllow, to make sure I couldn't use the phone. Well that was easy. I became master at picking her bedroom door lock, slipping into the room, gently easing one of the batteries out from under her pillow, using the phone, and then slipping back into the room to replace it before she woke up in the mroning. Same with the computer cord. She took it to bed with her, I bought one at school from a friend who likes to mess around with old computer parts and had spare ones. Easy as pie.

The point I am trying to make is that there is NO WAY to keep her 100% protected, except by engaging HER cooperation. You will only get so far by taking away internet access, monitoring her phone calls and association, homeschooling, etc. I'm not saying those actions aren't warranted, because she clearly needs to be protected from herself for the imediate future, but those are stop gap measures and NOT solutions. This needs to be addressed professionally. Restricting her and then assuming that fixes the problem is like putting a bandaid on open heart surgery.

I just wanted to point that out because I haven't heard the OP say anything about counseling or the like, and that really, really bothers me.


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## elus0814 (Sep 21, 2009)

I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.

After my mom caught me in those chat rooms she was convinced I was into all sorts of awful things I wasn't even aware existed. She forced me to go to counselors which was terrible for me. It made me feel like I did something wrong (not to say a child in a chat room isn't doing something wrong but it made me feel like I had done something much worse). I stopped going to chat rooms but my mom still forced the counseling and accused me of other things I never did, like stealing. She searched my room, read my journal, and treated me like a prisoner. That was when I decided there was no point in behaving. Why should I when even if I behaved I was accused of everything under the sun and punished for these imagined crimes? It was a year or so after the chat room incidents that I started getting into lots of trouble.

Please don't assume you know what she's doing past the chat room and never accuse her of anything you aren't reasonably sure she's doing. Don't make her be kept away from computers at school and force her to feel like an outcast. Don't drag her to therapy if she resists going. All that said, if you have reason to think she's doing something beyond the chat rooms then work with her. I would take away game use regardless and supervise computer time since you know she's not using it in an age appropriate way.


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## Ms. Sisko (Dec 24, 2002)

I came here from the main page because the title caught my eye.

I had nearly the same experience as the poster quoted below me and as a few above.

If I were you, I would be scared ... but I don't want it to go without mentioning that those things do _not_ automatically mean abuse. I was obsessed with things way over my head when I was that age. I even got in trouble at school for drawing porn. I was drawing penises and the only penises I'd even seen were my baby brother's and those in encyclopedias. I was writing about explicit sexual acts that I didn't completely understand. I was saying things online that were certainly not things I'd expect nine year olds to know about. I saw one porn mag once while snooping around a friend's parent's room when I was around 6 or 7 and the images stuck with me. I was never sexually abused as a child.

I was also obsessed with self harm, but never attempted any.

I don't even have any advice. I just wanted to say that it all sounds familiar. I'll be thinking about you and your family.















Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.
> 
> ...


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I think there are concerning behaviors but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has been abused or exposed to sexual things, those comments make me wonder what happened in the lives of the ladies who posted. When I was 9 and 10 years old internet chat rooms were just beginning but my friends and I would go to the dirty ones and chat with guys way older and we would say some nasty things. I did it by myself too. I had picked up these things from overhearing conversations of adults as well as older children. I had also seen things in commercials and seen/heard things from R rated movies my mom was watching when she had the volume turned up. My point is that you should look into this possibility but not just assume something has happened.
> 
> ...


It could be generatoinal at 9 I had no chat rooms..and would never call someone up to talk about sex and dirty (that came much later). Maybe it is because I have 3 kids that would not have done it at 9. Now my 16 and 12 year old is different, now but not at 9. I would personally be ok with a 9yo looking/seeing born because that means most likely they are very curious and Google is a wonderful thing...but NOT sex chatting.


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## Modmom15 (Feb 23, 2011)

I don't think that you can jump to the conclusion that she was abused. Sometimes kids learn how to manipulate their parents and take it too far, threating self-harm only because they know it will get them something. There's really no way we can tell without really seeing her behavior in person.

The chatting at 9 is something to be worried about, so I'd make sure that computer and game time was supervised.


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