# If one of your kids was an "accident," do you think you treat them differently?



## mommyshoppinghabit (Aug 9, 2006)

Even subconsciously? I mean this is not something that can be admitted easily. I love DS2 but this morning, I had an awakening moment, well two actually. One, I let him take a tumble when I could see it coming and two, I was watching Oprah (how stereotypically SAHM) and broke at crying when they talked about a little boy who kept falling and it was eventually found out that he had a brain tumor, which for some reason reminded me of DS2 although I don't know why. DS2 was an "accident." DS1 at the time was only 16 months when I conceived ds2 and I was definitely not trying to get pregnant and had just been irresponsible in birth control. The clouds had only just parted with DS1: he'd just begun to sleep through the night, was becoming more independent, I was coming out of a post partum funk (I won' call it a depression). And although DS2 is so cute and cuddly and very much a mommy's boy, I palm him off to Dh or his grandparents or the preschool as much as possible and I don't watch him as closely as I did with DS1 at that age when he _is_ at home with me. When I used to take ds2 to Gymboree, one of the other moms actually once scolded me for not spotting him.
DH says that his sister doesn't speak to his parents anymore and always had a bad relationship with them to begin with b/c she subconsciously knew that she had been an "accident."
Dunno, just musing here.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

My daughter was unplanned, but she was born because I wanted a baby. I would have had an abortion if I didn't, without a second thought. My son was planned a few years later. They both get treated as equally as possible (given different ages, personalities, and abilities), and I can say 100% I love them both the same.

The fact that you're thinking about it now makes me feel like you will do something to stop yourself from treating them differently in the future . . . at least I hope so!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Two of my kids were accidents, the first and the third. Well, the third was sort of planned, just not so close to the second.

Anyway, I would chalk it up more to just being kind of overwhelmed, touched out and tired. I did that with both of my second kids.


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## rlmueller (May 22, 2009)

I wonder if I will treat number 2 different than my number 1. Not as careful, not as cautious, not as germ-free, additive free--All that stuff. Is it possible your replacing normal 2nd child stuff for what you perceive as a favortism on your part.


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

All three of mine were very much planned, but from what you wrote, it sounds like it could just be a "second child" thing. I definitely paid less attention to number two than number one (they were two years apart), A. because I already had an older child to watch who was into everything and B. because I learned that taking a "tumble" likely won't kill them, nor will eating off the floor, climbing on the bed or any of the other things. I think second time moms tend to relax a bit in general, so maybe what you are doing isn't so much caring less but just being more comfortable?

As for "pawning him off" as you put it, I definitely did that more. My oldest never met a babysitter until he was about 18 months. Middle started going to the gym daycare at 8 weeks and had a Saturday babysitter from the time he could have baby food.







I think with two that young, you need more breaks.

Not trying to dismiss your concerns, just trying to make you feel better that maybe this isn't a subconscious way of treating them differently but a normal part of being a mom of two.


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## mommyshoppinghabit (Aug 9, 2006)

Since the infancy period was so difficult for me the first time with DS1, when I found out about the second pregnancy, for some reason, I think I was like "OK, I can do this totally different this time," not so much "Oh, I guess I really want this baby." I know, that sounds soo crazy. In my head, I just wanted perfect all the things that I thought went "wrong" the first time around like the labor, not having a doula, the sleep issues. I wanted to see how I could "fix" it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Unless you're actually feeling resentful, I'd think this is more likely a 2nd child vs. 1st child thing. And the mom at Gymboree should mind her own business. Kids don't need constant spotting there.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I found that with No 2 I lost most of that paranoid over parenting that I'd done with No 1.

For what it's worth, I think most people have a much healthier attitude to parenting by the time they get to child 2.


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## Kivgaen (Dec 5, 2003)

DD wasn't an "accident"... but she was a surprise -- we weren't exactly trying, but we weren't exactly NOT trying either. I was BF and still waiting for AF that never came.

but anyway, YES, I do feel differently towards them. I know that I relate better with DD than with DS. I don't deny it to myself, I can't help the feeling, since DS is very spirited at times, and he wears me out.

I hope that DS and DD will never know, and I do my best to treat them both with the same amount of respect, love and appreciation. They both get special one-on-one time with me, and being aware of my feelings helps me to make an extra special effort with DS when he is pushing my buttons. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far, because we have a great relationship and they are both wonderful to each other.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a "preference"... It's what you DO ABOUT IT that matters. Recognizing your feelings and being accepting of them is a HUGE step in the right direction, and finding ways to work with them so that your LOs all get their individual needs met in spite of your feelings will help you to overcome your fears of showing preference.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

My oldest son was a surprise. We weren't ready at all, but we dealt with it. So now, I don't think of him differently than my son who was planned.

No "accidents" here, but pleasant surprises.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

I was an accident! From my perspective, it's never made me feel that my parents feel differently about me. I remember asking "why did you have me then?" when I was early teens, & my dad said "because we knew it was going to be you"


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

We say that DS came a year early - we weren't exactly planning on a baby at that time. Do I treat my 2 differently? Yes, I do. They are different people with different needs and are at different development levels. For example, even though older, DS needs more help with things like buttons, etc. whereas DD needs a little more help with certain types of concepts. I can't say I've gotten more relaxed with dd about things, but I tend to be wound a little tight on stuff like that, and for germs and such if she gets sick there's a risk of seizures, so I'm probably more paranoid that I would've been otherwise. To be honest, I don't even remember most of the time that ds was a pleasant surprise rather than planned.


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## Delicateflower (Feb 1, 2009)

Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Nope. We say that God allowed us to plan the girls but He planned Dylan. And God loves surprises. It was inevitable that we would raise Dylan differently from his sisters. He came at a different time in our lives and is an "only" child.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
Since the infancy period was so difficult for me the first time with DS1, when I found out about the second pregnancy, for some reason, I think I was like "OK, I can do this totally different this time," not so much "Oh, I guess I really want this baby." I know, that sounds soo crazy. In my head, I just wanted perfect all the things that I thought went "wrong" the first time around like the labor, not having a doula, the sleep issues. I wanted to see how I could "fix" it.

That sounds normal to me.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

honestly I think this is less about family planning and more about this being your second. none of my children were planned. if I got pregnant now it would be a disasster (well it would be a freaking miricle but I digress....), beyond unplanned, and I would deifntiely treat this child different because my whole life is different. She would also be the fourth child who gets treated differently than the third who gets treated differently than the 2nd who gets treated differently than the first.......


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Delicateflower* 
Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Delicateflower* 
Are you sure you don't/didn't have post partum depression. What you're describing sounds like classic symptoms to me. Do you have a good doctor you can talk to about it and get their help?

I'd second (third?) the screening for PPD.

Some of what you describe is also more common with #2. You do get more laid back when you have more kids. But if you're feeling a real disconnect, I'd think about whether this could be the sign of something more.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

My son was a Surprise....never an accident.....I mean we had been married 13years and hadn't really decided if we would have kids....Fate made the decision for us


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

My eldest was unplanned but I didn't have the feelings you describe. Maybe having him first then planning the three that followed made a difference.

Having two kids is not like having one and if you were in a funk before it won't have got any simpler. I would also say that talking to someone about how you are feeling might help.







mama.


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## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *musikat* 
All three of mine were very much planned, but from what you wrote, it sounds like it could just be a "second child" thing. I definitely paid less attention to number two than number one (they were two years apart), A. because I already had an older child to watch who was into everything and B. because I learned that taking a "tumble" likely won't kill them, nor will eating off the floor, climbing on the bed or any of the other things. I think second time moms tend to relax a bit in general, so maybe what you are doing isn't so much caring less but just being more comfortable?

As for "pawning him off" as you put it, I definitely did that more. My oldest never met a babysitter until he was about 18 months. Middle started going to the gym daycare at 8 weeks and had a Saturday babysitter from the time he could have baby food.







I think with two that young, you need more breaks.

Not trying to dismiss your concerns, just trying to make you feel better that maybe this isn't a subconscious way of treating them differently but a normal part of being a mom of two.

















all of this exactly

My second son was a surprise and was born when my first was only 17 months old--I was not ready for that! Going through morning sickness while parenting an 8 month old was no fun at all. But we tried really hard for my first and so being spontaneously pregnant really felt like a blessing. Even though it wasn't under the ideal circumstances. However, I do feel differently towards my ds2. He had 9 hour per day screaming colic until he was two months old...that on top of parenting an 18 month old was difficult. He was a horrible sleeper and cried when he was awake. I felt like all I did was hold a crying baby or a sleeping baby. I got really resentful towards this grouchy little creature. It was not the love at first moment thing I had with ds1. It has taken a long time to let go of the negative reaction I had to his crying. He has a more difficult temperament anyhow, and we clash. BUT, he is about to turn 3 and I adore him. My boys are so different and I appreciate them in different ways. I really had to practice finding the awesome qualities of my 2nd son, because he is completely different from my fantastic 1st son, but now--even though he's difficult sometimes, he is also amazingly sweet and adorable. I think when you have a great first child that you adore, unless your second child is a clone, you have to really work at appreciating the different ways each child is amazing.

All that said, I do parent him differently because he is a second child--as referenced in the above post.


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## LVale (May 4, 2004)

Our first son was a surprise, and he is 32, still lives at home, his choice, and he has always been a joy to us. But as an infant we did do a bit more hovering, then we did with son 2 who was planned. I just think parents in general are more vigilant with first babies. I have always called son number 1, my trial and error kid. So by the time number 2 comes along, you know what to expect and how to deal with it. Like eating lint off the carpet, mom is not going to pry your mouth open and dig it out and get bitten in the process. That was one of the mistakes I did with son number one. Now I am on my second grandson, and if he finds a crumb on the floor, or lint, I just say whatever. I am just saying the more kids you have the more relaxed you are!


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## mommyshoppinghabit (Aug 9, 2006)

On the one hand, I don't think it's that I'm more relaxed with ds2, its more like I have less energy to deal, but that coil of perfectionism is still tightly wound up in me, I've just _had_ to let go of things out of lack of choice. On the other hand, if I don't have a glowing, passionate view of having become a mother a second time around, that means I have an illness? I have a real bone to pick with that whole ppd camp. I don't have a disconnect with ds2, I just like to complain a lot (always have and my friend in college used to motion with his thumb and forefinger rubbing together, symbol for the worlds tiniest violin when I would pour my littany of complaints out to him).


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calpurnia* 
I was an accident! From my perspective, it's never made me feel that my parents feel differently about me. I remember asking "why did you have me then?" when I was early teens, & my dad said "because we knew it was going to be you"


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## honey-lilac (Jun 30, 2009)

I was about 4 weeks post-partum when I found out I was pregnant again with DD. Because there was a good chance I could die during my pregnancy (they're potentially life threatening for me) DH said we absolutely had to get an abortion. So off to the clinic I went. And then I *grabbed* the U/S picture that they did and I said screw this, I'm NOT killing my babe, and stormed out. I wanted DD. And she was a super wonderful blessing. The pregnancy we had feared wasn't nearly as bad as it was with DS, and her baby-hood was completely different. DS was so high needs and had special needs to boot that had DD not come along by accident I never would have had the courage to try for another one. But she restored my faith in myself when she was a wonderfully easy going little baby - and I realized I wasn't a failure as a mother. I am so, so happy she was our little accident. I think, if anything, I treat her *better* because I felt so guilty for a long time for even going to the abortion clinic in the first place - and I feel so blessed to have her. One signed consent form and she could have never been a part of our lives. It scares the heck out of me - I adore her to death.


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## trekkingirl (Dec 2, 2009)

you got a lot of replies and I agree with the consensus. it's not because your second child was an accident. it's because he is your second child. if you didn't learn to chill with your second child and remained as neurotic as you were with the first you wouldn't make it in the game of life. congratulations it sounds to me like you're on your way to being a fabulous mom!


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## 34me (Oct 2, 2006)

My first two kids were clomid babies and when you have to take drugs to get pregnant you just don't think about prevention too much. But what we got was a wonderful tie breaker! I won't lie he came at an incredibly stressful time in our lives so my pregnancy was pretty stressful and I really didn't get to enjoy it. Dh is the one who really felt the disconnect though. Ds#2 was around 2 when he reay warmed up to him. Most of what you described seems pretty normal to me. With each child I got a little less vigilant. I've talked with other mom's of 3 and we all laugh at the difference betwen what #1 got away with bs #3......


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
On the one hand, I don't think it's that I'm more relaxed with ds2, its more like I have less energy to deal, but that coil of perfectionism is still tightly wound up in me, I've just _had_ to let go of things out of lack of choice. On the other hand, if I don't have a glowing, passionate view of having become a mother a second time around, that means I have an illness? I have a real bone to pick with that whole ppd camp. I don't have a disconnect with ds2, I just like to complain a lot (always have and my friend in college used to motion with his thumb and forefinger rubbing together, symbol for the worlds tiniest violin when I would pour my littany of complaints out to him).

I think there are varying degrees of depression, and not all of them are necessarily an illness. It's more complex than that, you know? You yourself called it a "funk", and it kind of just sounds like you are in one again.

On the other hand, you do sound slightly defensive at the suggestion, that might be worth thinking about.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

I have 5 children, all of whom were unplanned pregnancies, and I agree that the difference the OP is noticing is more of a "second child" thing that favoritism.

I love all my children equally, but they're all required being parented differently, from newborns on, because their personalities and our circumstances are different each time.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
that coil of perfectionism is still tightly wound up in me, I've just _had_ to let go of things out of lack of choice.

my second child was very planned and very wanted, and I went through the same thing. It broke my heart.







Unless your kids are like 10 years apart, you really can't parent the second one the same way you did the first.

Quote:

I just like to complain a lot (always have and my friend in college used to motion with his thumb and forefinger rubbing together, symbol for the worlds tiniest violin when I would pour my littany of complaints out to him).
do you want to stay in the "complaining a lot" place, or do you want to move past it? What does staying there get you?


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Beautiful...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kaleanani* 
I was about 4 weeks post-partum when I found out I was pregnant again with DD. Because there was a good chance I could die during my pregnancy (they're potentially life threatening for me) DH said we absolutely had to get an abortion. So off to the clinic I went. And then I *grabbed* the U/S picture that they did and I said screw this, I'm NOT killing my babe, and stormed out. I wanted DD. And she was a super wonderful blessing. The pregnancy we had feared wasn't nearly as bad as it was with DS, and her baby-hood was completely different. DS was so high needs and had special needs to boot that had DD not come along by accident I never would have had the courage to try for another one. But she restored my faith in myself when she was a wonderfully easy going little baby - and I realized I wasn't a failure as a mother. I am so, so happy she was our little accident. I think, if anything, I treat her *better* because I felt so guilty for a long time for even going to the abortion clinic in the first place - and I feel so blessed to have her. One signed consent form and she could have never been a part of our lives. It scares the heck out of me - I adore her to death.


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## mommyshoppinghabit (Aug 9, 2006)

Hmm, I'm probably on the more cynical side of the spectrum and that is what has colored my perception of my behavior about ds. Actually, I think if I were an objective outsider looking in, big picture wise, I'm doing an amazing job.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm gonna have to agree on it just being the second child and your treatment of him is perfectly normal. My first was an accident (teen pregnancy actually) and I was SO overprotective with him, as I was with my second (five years later) who was also an accident. My third was wanted and planned and I am no where near as cautious as I was with my other two. You just relax more as you have more kids, that's all. And you must be a good mom to even think about that kind of thing


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

I personally don't think it has anymore to do with being 'unplanned' than it does simply another child.
When my DS #2 was born, my first boy was older (10) so we had loads of time and attention to shower on ds#2.
Then came the unplanned twins 16 months later. I know I treated them differently, but not because they meant 'less' to me. But because my workload had tripled. My attention had to be divided four ways now, not only to ensure that each little person stayed safe, was fed, clean and warm, but that they each had time with me.
The twins, being born into this chaotic life didn't know anything else but shared attention, a slow-to-react mother on such things as tumbles, squabbles and lost toys.
DS #2 however, knew the life of undivided attention, peaceful quiet days, neatness and order. So while I did my best not to traumatize DS#2 by suddenly 'abandoning' him for these two new people in his life, I also had to let go of the idea that our life could be the exact same with the twins. I did things with them that I'd have been upset by with DS#1&2, I often just had to let them cry, I propped one in an armchair with a bottle when I was just to spent to nurse them both, I'd ship them off to Grandparents for an afternoon so I could spend time with my other boys, but also, as I was parenting all four I was becoming way more relaxed about mothering, and about kids.
I wouldn't fret over this at all. Of course your second child will be treated differently than your first, unplanned or not. There's two kids now vying for your time, attention and love. Needing to be fed, changed, rocked, read to, played with, picked up, cuddled, etc.....Your relationship with each child is unique to the two of you, it's something only you and he/she share, that the siblings can't have, but have of their own with you.


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## lolablitz (Oct 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
My daughter was unplanned, but she was born because I wanted a baby. I would have had an abortion if I didn't, without a second thought. My son was planned a few years later. They both get treated as equally as possible (given different ages, personalities, and abilities), and I can say 100% I love them both the same.

The fact that you're thinking about it now makes me feel like you will do something to stop yourself from treating them differently in the future . . . at least I hope so!

I apologize for hijacking,OP, but Jessy's tagline is incredibly offensive to me and I feel the need to say something.

Jessy: How do u think those of us who were adopted feel when they read your tagline? Do you think we would have been better off aborted? You are incredibly ignorant, clearly, and I hope you will consider editing your tagline and speaking to one of us. The abortion debate is not so intrinsically linked to the practice of adoption as you seem to purport. I am saddened that you are so militant about something so hurtful.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
On the one hand, I don't think it's that I'm more relaxed with ds2, its more like I have less energy to deal, *but that coil of perfectionism is still tightly wound up in me,* I've just _had_ to let go of things out of lack of choice.

That coil of perfectionism might be something that you want to work on. Now, it could be that having two kids relatively close together will be a learning experience for you and will help you learn to let things go and relax that coil. But being tightly wound up all the time is not good for your health.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
On the other hand, if I don't have a glowing, passionate view of having become a mother a second time around, that means I have an illness?

No. It doesn't. But if you're continually in a funk, are 'pawning' your son off (your words, I believe) and can never see the bright side of things, it might.

I knew going into motherhood that it was darned hard work and that our lives would never be the same again. I will admit that I like children much more than toddlers. I find toddlers difficult and frustrating. Our kids are 5 and 8 now and while we have our moments, life is a lot, lot easier now. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage if you paid me. That's not a sign of illness, but an admission of reality.

If that's where you are, fine. But, if you're really worried about how you treat #2, and it's not just because you're more experienced, what can you do to change that?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
I have a real bone to pick with that whole ppd camp.

As someone who suffered from severe PPD with ds and mild PPD with my daughter, trust me, it exists. In many different forms. You may not have it. I don't know if your 'bone to pick' is for your own situation or in general. But please don't dismiss PPD in general. It does a real disservice to women who are suffering massively.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
I just like to complain a lot

.

Do you like to complain a lot? Do you feel better after you complain? Or is it a habit? There are benefits to skepticism, but continual pessimism can hold you back. An interesting book for you to look at would be: Learned Optimism. You don't have to become an optimist, but it might help you look at your thought patterns and figure which ones are helpful for you and which ones aren't.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolablitz* 
I apologize for hijacking,OP, but Jessy's tagline is incredibly offensive to me and I feel the need to say something.

Jessy: How do u think those of us who were adopted feel when they read your tagline? Do you think we would have been better off aborted? You are incredibly ignorant, clearly, and I hope you will consider editing your tagline and speaking to one of us. The abortion debate is not so intrinsically linked to the practice of adoption as you seem to purport. I am saddened that you are so militant about something so hurtful.

My signature has been approved by the mods.

If you are interested in learning more about the anti-adoption movement, you can google "anti-adoption." Adopted adults are very much involved in it, though.

There's no need to hijack someone else's thread, though.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

My children are 14 months apart. When I found out I Was pregnant with DS2, I was FAREAKED OUT. I too, had just gotten over not being pregnant anymore and whammo, another 9 months to go again!

I do treat DS2 differently. But that is because him and his brother are totally different kids. DS2 is very much a mamas boy, and is VERY attached to me. Much more so then DS1 has ever been. Don't get me wrong, DS1 loves his mama very much, and I would walk through fire if that meant a life of true happiness for him. I would also do the same for DS2. But I have come to learn their nurturing needs are different, therefore I nurture them differently. They both get the same amount of love, respect, attention and encouragement from me. Just in different ways.

I also HATE the term "accident". I prefer "surprise miracle". But thats just me.....









ETA I would also like to add that I am proud of how I don't react with cat like reflexes to tumbles and trips anymore. To me it means I have relaxed and can let the kids learn how to brush themselves off and get back up. Now if there is blood, thats a different story of course.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

No.

My son was an 'accident'. We were not in the best financial situation at the time and had only just got married as well. Abortion is not for me at all, but I still felt like 'eh - I do-not-want-this-right-now!' iykwim!...

This one was much wanted. It took us over a year to try with a handful of heartaches (miscarriages)...so very very much wanted and so much loved.

I will not treat them any differently. They are both very much loved. Despite being an 'accident' - I am SO thankful for my son. He has helped to make me the mother and woman I am today!...

The only difference though, I will say, is enjoyment in pregnancies. I am enjoying this so much more the second (wanted) time around. I feel so much more connected and in love with this baby as well. I didn't really feel that all the way through my pregnancy with DS until right up at the end and even more so when I finally met him.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

DD was planned.About 6 mnths later DH and I went through some major changes that strained our relationship almost to breaking. When DD was 10mnths old, surprise! We then found out that DH was deploying in "6 months to a year". So yeah, I was in a funk to say the least. I was questioning staying married, and here I was pregnant with #2!!
His 1st yr was *really* hard. I think I had minor postpartum, but never got screened. I loved DS, but it took me a lot longer to bond with him.
But I do think most of my "relaxing" with him, was the whole "second child" thing. He is now 5 (DH and I are still married BTW), and we are expecting #4. DS1 is very much an individual, and I do treat him much differently. But I treat 1 and 3 differently too.
If you are concerned, you should get some help. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your "surprise" baby. It means you are in a bad spot, with 2 small children and need a kind of support you are not getting.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 

I knew going into motherhood that it was darned hard work and that our lives would never be the same again. I will admit that I like children much more than toddlers. I find toddlers difficult and frustrating. Our kids are 5 and 8 now and while we have our moments, life is a lot, lot easier now. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage if you paid me. That's not a sign of illness, but an admission of reality.

No kidding. It was AGONY for me when my kids were toddlers, it was the most miserable period of my life. But, you know, it gets better every year as they grow. I think that the horror of the toddler years is one of the never discussed "secrets" about parenthood.


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## mommyshoppinghabit (Aug 9, 2006)

I'm reminded of something in Eat Pray Love about having kids. No one tells you, or no one told _me_ at least, that wanting to have kids should be like wanting to put a tattoo on your face. You have to want something _reaally bad_ to want to tattoo it _on your face_. Truth be told, I never wanted kids _that badly_. I'm sorry to all the women ttc out there. Right before DH and I conceived DS1, we just thought, hey, life is kinda boring right now, wouldn't it be fun to have kids? I know that sounds so naive. They should make it a prerequisite for motherhood to have to be an 'intern' mother beforehand in order to see if it is right for you (at least for those of us who didn't grow up around lot of babies).
Now having said that, I sound like the wicked witch of the west, which I'm really not, and actually give 110% everyday to my kids everyday, b/c that is the only kind of job I'm capable of doing, and I love them and put them first in everything.
And after having a few days to think about this post, I realize, thought I _think_ I give DS2 the short end of the stick, actually, I'm sort of evening things out--there are times when I am not paying that much attention to DS1 now (he's 4 and kind of going through a control freak phase while DS2 at 23 months is at his cutest ever).
One thing I am really thankful for is that though I still may be negative a lot in this whole motherhood thing, the depths of agony and desperation that I went through have propelled me to a lot of self-improvement these last 4 years. One pp mentioned something about questioning my negative thoughts. I do that now. I've improved a lot more than that actually, and I would never have gotten to this place had I never reached that low.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

I think that with subsequent kids, you are just more relaxed in general. You have some experience under your belt and know that falling won't kill themand they won't die from touching the shopping cart handle. I would think that with 2 los so close in age you are mabe just tired, stressed, etc. But don't beat yourself up. And if you really think you treat them differently, well then I suppose you can work on that then.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

My children were all 3 unplanned but none of them were accidents.







We didn't plan to get pregnant with any of them. I love them all equally. I had a hard time after having my second child because she was a high maintenance and colicky baby, but other than that, my kids have always been treated the same.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

Both of my girls were surprises, DD2 more so than DD1. I love them both equally, but I do treat them differently. They are 3.5 and almost 8 months. DD1 is more high strung and gets her feelings hurt pretty easily, but DD2 is a big time mamma's girl and doesn't like being left with anyone. So, I am careful what I say to DD1 and I don't leave DD2. But I can also say without a doubt that I am done. I love my girls, but I am done. I like having the freedom to do what I want to without worrying about a nursing baby/toddler.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

All 4 of my children were unplanned. I suppose that would mean that I don't treat them differently, but that's not true. With each subsequent child, life changes, they have different personalities, dynamics change...


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## Babina's Mommy (Dec 27, 2008)

With me, I know this a little weird, but daughter was planned and I wanted her and when I gave birth, I was a little freaked out at first but then everything was fine. With son, he was a "surprise" and I didn't find out until I was 16 weeks along, and he was not planned and I did not want to be pregnant or have another child so soon, they are 22 months apart...the whole pregnancy I was miserable and the birth was more traumatic this time too. When he came, the second I saw him I was so happy and in love...I think the first time I was just freaked out by being a new mother....but I did not expect to be so "in love" with baby #2 right away!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

First child vs. having more experience, definently! also yes you do need more breaks with more young children under your care.

That said, my younger two are not quite 22 months apart (messed up a bit on a chart) and well....I used to have pretty bad mama guilt about what DD missed out on, not being the 'baby' long enough in my eyes. I used to feel horrible for the fact that I CRIED in the MW's office when she confirmed my pregnancy while my BARELY 14 month old BABY was NURSING on her exam table!

But....when I spotted and had low progesterone, I did something about it.

And little did I know, this would be the child who would be my joyful distraction in the worst year of loss in my life so far. (My dad and my grandma, who I adored, everyone did--when I was 7 months pregnant and when baby was 3 weeks old.) to this day I think my grandma hung on to meet my baby, she had her first heart attack a couple weeks before he was born, she passed away almost 24 hours exactly after meeting him.

So I got over my regrets on having 2 so close together. And DS2 is the light of the family....seriously the happiest baby pretty much *anyone's* ever seen. If anything, my "accident" is the FAVORED one! (though I think a lot of it is that he is a baby and NEEDS more attention too.)


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