# I feel like I'm losing myself.



## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Like I am falling down a hole nothing know whats at the bottom if there is one.

I used to be this happy, seemingly carefree young woman. Of course I had problems, sometimes major ones like everyone else, but the difference is, I didn't deeply long for a baby and I haven't lost one.

Now as the months and years roll by, I try to look into the future and all I see is darkness if I cannot have a child. I've been intensely wanting a child for about eight years and I am "only" 28. I envy my friends in their 30's and 40's who *just now* decide they want children. They didnt have to go thorough years of this type of torture.

I dont think its a void adoption can fill. I want to be PREGNANT and give birth. I'm sure I can love an adopted baby just as much as one that I give birth too, but my selfish tendencies tell me that I want a baby that came from us.

Sure I have a life, a loving solid relationship, good job, many hobbies, a very understanding friend, and so on but none of these things (jobs, hobbies, activities, etc) can replace or distract from my intense desire.

I feel the joy of life slowly leaving me. I feel fearful leaving the house; for I will run across the very thing I want so badly. Some of the things that used to bring me joy no longer make me smile. I am fortunate to have my DP's loving arms, patience and understanding. Though he isnt the father of my baby boy, I'm sure my baby's spirit can feel his love like a father.

Though I have these many good things, I still feel empty. Therapy can only do so much - maybe I need a different therapist or approach.

I feel like I'm losing myself, and its being whisked away from me before I can get my finger tips on it.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

It's hard, not knowing if you will ever get what you want so badly.

And yes, there is a sense of loss when considering adoption. My main issue is not so much experierencing pregnancy, but having a child who may always yearn for a connection that doesn't exist with me and DH. I know, selfish. Working on it.

So how do we not become consumed with the process? How do we get some of our old life back, the one that wasn't so serious and filled with yearning? These shouldn't be lost years, devoid of joy.

I think it is important that we pay enough attention to ourselves to note if this burden is slipping into actual clinical depression or anxiety...it sounds like your thoughts are really dark right now (which I totally get) but if you need help please reach out for it.

Take care. We don't yet know how our stories will play out, so don't lose hope.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Thanks









It is in a way comforting to _not_ know how things will turn out though there are times when not knowing is very painful.


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## heatherh (Jun 25, 2005)

Just wanted to offer support









Holding my breath and hoping with all my heart that your chart is as good as it looks and you will soon be wrapping your arms around a new little one!


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Keri's advice is good advice - it's important to recognize when we are no longer wallowing and actually slipping into a state of clinical depression. Understandably, this is a risk for those who have grieved long and deeply. Perhaps you should consider an outlet for these feelings, an unbiased sounding board of sorts.

For me, when the feeling of dark hopelessness lasts for longer than a day, when I wake up still feeling that instant the lost-in-the-void feeling, it's time to reach out and ask for help. Usually, those feelings are held at bay for a bit . . . . . .starting the day out that way doesn't bode well for me.

Take care.


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## Tan II (Sep 10, 2006)

Please, please get help for yourself. There is nothing worse than feeling like you do. That there is nothing. That life is a big black hole.
Like you are drowinging.

Join a support group, ask your doc for medication (if u r open to that), take something natural if u prefer - just do SOMETHING.

It's scary feeling the way you do. You need a hand, you need help.

Life will get better. You can move past this, and forward.

Please don't let yourself fall any further.

We are all here to help you.
Tan


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I did belong to a support group but all of the women got pregnant; eventually I left the group though it helped in terms of dealing with my grief.

I'm looking into another therapist right now. The one I'm seeing is good, but I think I need additional help and more sessions.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Take care, and know we are here.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Oh Barose, I am so sorry. Dealing with loss and infertility is heartbreaking but adding the false hope of a chart like yours this last cycle is just not fair. I was following closely and looking forward to stalking your chart each morning looking for your BFP was helping distract me from my own recent loss. I hate that it didn't work out.

I know what you mean about not wating to leave the house. It's so hard to see pregnant teenagers smoking out side the grocery store or to go to church and be surrounded by pregnant women who are all thanking God for their babies. I don't know how to not lose yourself, I feel like I'm losing my grip too.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I wanted to come back and thank you all for your support. I've been reading the responses over and over. We are no longer going to ttc (not preventing because there is nothing to "prevent") probably ever. It will take some time to get used to this but hopefully I will have some closure at some point if ever.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

That's an enormous decision to make. But when the process has been such a big part of your life for so long, sometimes enough is enough.

DH and I will try one more time, and that's probably it. I cried when my genetic testing came back normal, as I wanted a reason to stop trying. I cried when DH's genetic testing came back normal...I wanted permission to stop. You just gave yourself permission to stop.

I hope this decision brings you some peace.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Barose,

What a big decision to come to, I hope it eventually gives you some peace. We are in a similar situation as lolalapcat and are in the process of genetic testing. Part of my hopes it comes back with a problem so I can stop this cycle of pain.

We will likely continue to try but if I miscarry one more time DH willg et the V and we will be done.

It's such a hard decision to make.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

It is a hard decision to make, especially when you dont have children. Since ttc is a problem we don't have to make the decision to have a V or a TL at least. I'm sorry you have to go through this too.


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## Crisstiana (Jan 18, 2007)

By the time my husband and I stopped trying (+8 years, including many years at an infertility clinic), all the joy had gone out of my life. I was relieved to put an end to the constant thoughts about pregnancy, but it was difficult to face a possible future without children.

It is so hard, and I felt that others who hadn't gone through it just couldn't understand. This was especially true of friends who already had kids. And after a point, there was nothing "right" anyone could say to me. I felt like I was walking alone down a very dark path.

I don't have any advice or suggestions, just my best thoughts and hope. Regardless of what happens in terms of having a child, I hope you find joy again in your life.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Yes, I too am sorry anyone has to go through this.

It is what it is, everyone gets something handed to them that they didn't want. That's my theory, anyhow.

So we will look into adoption if our pregnancy efforts don't work out. I know of 2 couples who haven't been able to have kids who are not going to adopt. This too is a very personal, subjective path for people.

Any thoughts on this?


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I've always wanted to have a successful pregnancy and give birth - something adoption cannot do or give me. Adoption was something I always wanted to do along with "having our own", not instead of.

At this point, I'm not sure if adoption is even possible for us for various reasons.

You're right it is a very personal subject (but something we still should talk about though).


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Yeah, about 5 seconds after I last posted, I reread your first post. Sorry, I try to listen!

My DH initially thought, sure we would adopt if it came to that. Now he is a reluctant party in the concept.

So that's my main issue with adoption. If it wasn't for DH, I would have already been in the adoption process.

Yes, I would miss the rite of passage of giving birth. And I've pictured our babies, you know? They would have wavy dark hair and green eyes...it's hard to give up on a biological child because I want one that is a combination of the two of us.

But we want to be parents. That's more important.

Oh, I do have a million more issues with adoption. It's amazing how simple it seems from a distance, and how complicated from close up.


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