# "Your kids are too dependent on you"



## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

Just curious, but do you think small children can be too emotionally dependent on their mother? One of my non-ap friends just told me she thinks my children are way too dependent on me. One is almost one and the other has just turned three. I've never thought that a small child could be too emotionally dependent on their parents. Can they be, or is this a non-ap view of an ap parent? Just curious abt others opinoins of this idea.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Don't know if ap/non ap has much to do with it. Her kids just may have different temperments than yours.

I'd say that if you and your kids are content with the relationship, then they aren't too dependent on you. If you feel overwhelmed with their demands and neediness or if they seem unhappy and axious, then and only then, would I worry.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

Small children ARE dependent. They simply are. The choice we have is whether we'd like them to be dependent on us, or on all the less-than-ideal alternatives.

Who better to depend on than the person who would do anything for your well-being?


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamapajama*
Just curious, but do you think small children can be too emotionally dependent on their mother? One of my non-ap friends just told me she thinks my children are way too dependent on me. One is almost one and the other has just turned three.

Your kids are one and three. They are just babies. Some kids develop "independence" earlier than others. I think your friend is being silly.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

At the ages of nearly 1 and 3 I have trouble thinking of them as being "too dependent" because in my mind those ages are still really just babies, especially the 1 yr old! As others have stated dependence comes in a variety of ways at different ages.


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## Willowrose (Jan 24, 2005)

I thought that part of being a parent is having your children depend on you. JMO, but I don't know how a child can be _too_ dependent on a parent.

Children are dependent. As parents, our children totally depend on us. Who else would feed, clothe and bathe them? Who would give them unonditional love and nurturing and meet their needs? I consider that total dependency. As parents, we are required to do that for 18 years of our childrens lives. Thats what we signed up for. I hope that my children will still depend on me even after they are grown. I hope that they will depend on me for unconditional love and support. I hope that they will know they always have a place to come home to.

I think that our society has a way of trying to push children towards independence. Some of that early independence is responsible for the promiscuity of our youth. I want to preserve my childrens innocence and nurture their childhood.


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa*
At the ages of nearly 1 and 3 I have trouble thinking of them as being "too dependent" because in my mind those ages are still really just babies, especially the 1 yr old! As others have stated dependence comes in a variety of ways at different ages.

















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## quietplease (Nov 28, 2001)

I think it's just more of the weirdness Western culture has about dependence and independence. I think we are supposed to be dependent both early in life and late in life, but our culture seems to demand we become independent as early as possible and stay that way forever. It's not what nature intended, in my opinion.

I'm sure you have an excellent, loving relationship with your children.


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

Each of my kids is so different from the others regarding independence (and most everything else!). The "right" ammount of neediness, clinginess, cuddliness is exactly the ammount that kid asks for. Why would they ask for it if they didn't need it? And if their needs are met today, perhaps tomorrow they will be just a shade more mature. I'm really in no hurry for them to grow up.


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I get so tired of people making judgemental comments. You can't please everyone. All you can do is love your children in the best way you see fit.

Do not let other's opinions bother you. She may be feeling jealous that your kids seem so close to you.


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## Lady Madonna (Jul 2, 2004)

I've been hearing this about DD since she was all of six months old - and from my mother, no less! It's so infuriating! DD is two year old now and I still hear it. Yet another thing to guilt a parent about, I guess. I finally quit arguing with my mom and now I just ignore her. I think DD is perfectly dependent on me, and it works for both of us!


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## dswmom (Nov 17, 2002)

I don't know how to do that quote thing, but I totally agree with quietplease who said:

"I think it's just more of the weirdness Western culture has about dependence and independence."

Our culture is fixated on pushing our children to be independent. I think the driving force behind the violence and disconnect in our society is the fact that kids are being forced to "grow up" as soon as the pop out of the womb. I try so hard not to praise a child for being independent of his/her mom just as I never make a negative comment about a child being clingy or "needy" of his/her parent. Every child is different in terms of how soon they grow comfortable away from their parent, but every child is the same in their need for a secure, loving relationship with a person that is 110% dependable...and that person SHOULD be a parent. I'd ask your friend if she'd rather her kids come to her for their needs or some irresponsible child or better yet a total stranger.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

A 16 year old can be "too dependant" and a 30 year old can definitely be "too dependant" .
But a child who is still really dependant (can't get a job, cant use the stove, cant tie his shoes) certainly can be expected to have a certain amount of emotoinal dependancy as well.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

I agree with everyone. Are kids are *supposed to be* dependent on us. It's an oxymoron to think they wouldn't be. And at ages 1 & 3...puhleeease. This woman is way off.


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## ebethmom (Jan 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Madonna*
I've been hearing this about DD since she was all of six months old - and from my mother, no less! It's so infuriating!

I get the same kind of message from my family. They think it's strange that my four year old has never slept a night away from us. And they're certain that my parenting style has turned our dd into velcro child. She just doesn't like to be away from her mother or father. Either one of us will do, but it *has* to be one of us! If we're with a group of people, I can always identify her "someone but Mom or Dad touched me" cry.

The comment that gets me is "your child is so attached to you" like it's a bad thing!


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## dswmom (Nov 17, 2002)

It's funny how contradictory people can be. With my son, we always hear how happy he is, how friendly he is and how smart he is, but let us tell people that he's never spent one night away from his mom (he's almost 3) and I'm looked at like I have 3 heads. Duh...can't you see a correlation people!?

ebethmom: when someone says "your child is so attached to you" again, just say, "Yep, like nature intended. Isn't it great?"


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