# Pregnant 13 y.o. / UPDATE post 41



## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

My daughter has just told me that her friend (age 13) is pregnant. My daughter encouraged her friend to let her fill me in on the situation, and she begrudgingly agreed. The friend does not want her parents to know, plans on having an abortion, but does not have the emotional, logistical or financial resources to make it happen on her own.

I will be speaking to the friend this evening on the phone and setting up a time when we can meet in person, confirm the pregnancy and plan what to do at that point. I will be bringing the parents in on the discussion at some point.

I am interested in any feedback wise women (and men, for MusicianDad) might be able to give me in dealing with this situation. Please no adoption or keeping the baby talk, it just isn't what she has chosen. Thanks in advance.


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## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

Well, she's 13. Clearly a minor. Her parents need to know immediately, and ultimately, it is their decision how to proceed.

I would provide a safe space for the girl and parents to meet and discuss things, but you could be in serious legal trouble if you intervene (going to the doctor, procuring an abortion, etc.).

Poor girl...no 13-year-old should have to be making that choice...too young...









ETA: Just was thinking - if you haven't already, this would be a good time to buy condoms "just in case". If her friends are sexually active, there's a good possibility that things might be happening sooner than later in that particular group. Not necessarily, but I'd play it safe...

Good luck! I do not envy your situation right now! Hope the parents are kind to her...


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

I agree with the above poster as long as you determine that her house is safe and her parents or guardians are people who will be able to take care of her in this situation. (If there is any kind of abuse, substance abuse, etc. involving the parents then it is my opinion that you have every right to act in this child's best interest without the parent's involvement.) There are national abortion funds that could help out definitely if money is an issue. If you feel like she could use this just pm me your area and I can research and send you info on the agency that might be able to help.

Sad, but all too common situation. How amazing that your daughter feels comfortable coming to you with this.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Going to have to disagree with anjelike on bringing the parents in immediately and it being their decision on how to proceed.

It is the pregnant 13 year old's decision on how to proceed.

I wouldn't bring the parents in until you talk to the 13 year old though, because there could be a very good reason she doesn't want to tell them. I also wouldn't completely reject the possibility that what is in the best interest of the 13 may be not bringing her parents into the desicion, no matter how much that seems wrong it is a fact that parents can often ignore their childs best interest in favour of their own strict system of belief.

I would look into the legal side of things, but if you are in CA then I don't think there is any law that prohibits a minor from getting an abortion without parental consent.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

I am grateful that my dd thought that I would be a safe person to tell. I am a high school teacher by profession so I have dealt with this issue before. This time it's different because I know the parents. I would never take the girl to the doctor or procure abortion services for her without her parents' permission. My plan is to confirm the pregnancy, help her tell her parents and then go from there.

The situation has given me the opportunity to have a long talk with my daughter; first to tell her that she did the right thing by telling me and that I was proud of her, and second to discuss the likelihood of her own sexual activity. Thankfully, this friend as two distinct and seperate peer groups, one of which is more advanced in this area and the other, which includes my daughter is more committed to waiting a LONG time. I will be getting my daughter some condoms, just in case, and I aksed her to tell me when she loses her virginity so I would be able to help keep her safe (no judgements.)

I feel really sad for this young girl; she has parents, actually three of them, who love her very much, and want the best for her. They are in an extreme state of denial about the depth of her problems though. She does have a therapist, with whom she has never connected. Perhaps a more appropriate therapist is in order as well.


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## avalonfaith (Dec 29, 2005)

i'm going to agree with MusicianDad on this one. there are so any details that just aren't known to us at this time.

i also commend what ever you are doing s a parent that this is something that is "comfortable" being talked about with you.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
I also wouldn't completely reject the possibility that what is in the best interest of the 13 may be not bringing her parents into the desicion, no matter how much that seems wrong it is a fact that parents can often ignore their childs best interest in favour of their own strict system of belief.

I actually thought about this and one of my first questions to dd what she knew about the parents' feelings about abortion. Mother is not opposed in theory, which I took as a good sign that the girls wishes would be respected. If she had been philosophically opposed to abortion, I would have planned to seek legal advice before proceeding.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anjelika* 
Well, she's 13. Clearly a minor. Her parents need to know immediately, and ultimately, it is their decision how to proceed.


This is NOT true. It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

For MusicianDad, I have edited the OP to include "wise men." Ah, the colloquial is never perfect...


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
I actually thought about this and one of my first questions to dd what she knew about the parents' feelings about abortion. Mother is not opposed in theory, which I took as a good sign that the girls wishes would be respected. If she had been philosophically opposed to abortion, I would have planned to seek legal advice before proceeding.

Then the next step is finding out about the parents from the 13 yo herself.

Also, just want to say that if it feels like a good thing to do. I would encourage the 13 year old to tell her parents herself instead of you bringing them into it. But offer a safe place for her to do it. If it doesn't appear to be a viable option, I would suggest bringing them into it somewhere outside their home. It can help provide a more level-headed response from the parents.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
For MusicianDad, I have edited the OP to include "wise men." Ah, the colloquial is never perfect...

I appreciate that.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

BTW imagine, you are doing a great thing here. At 13 sometimes having even one adult on your side with no judgement can mean everything.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Then the next step is finding out about the parents from the 13 yo herself.

I agree. I would be very wary of being the one to tell them this. If the girl hasn't, there's a reason.

ITA with pps who say this is the girl's decision to make, and it sounds like she's made it. At this point, it's a matter of logistics.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I would definitely not contact the parents without the girl's expressed desire. Her body, her choice, not her parents decision.

I have a 13 yr old and a 16 yr old.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
ITA with pps who say this is the girl's decision to make, and it sounds like she's made it. At this point, it's a matter of logistics.

Totally agree there. She has made her choice, now it's making sure she isn't going to have others trying to take that away.


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## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
This is NOT true. It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.

Not in my state (PA) - one parent must consent, barring legal order or medical necessity.

I have to add - I'm floored at the lack of support for bringing the girl's parents into the loop. She could be making the decision under duress, or because she fears lack of financial support, or because she feels that she will be judged. Her parents could be her best allies - regardless of the choice made.

Yes - it's her body. But she is still a child who needs love and guidance...


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anjelika* 
Not in my state (PA) - one parent must consent, barring legal order or medical necessity.

Unfortunately not in my state either (IL). I am very against consent laws though because I think that people who are for consent laws take for granted that everyone has healthy, supportive parents or guardians.


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## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

And Imagine, I do give you credit for helping this girl, though I disagree with many of the other posters. You have a good heart. All the best to you...


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
It is the 13 y.o. girls decision about whether to move forward with the pregnancy or not.

The girl is in California and we don't have a mandatory parental consent law. If we did, I would be helping her get a judicial bypass if that's what she wanted. Ultimately, I think that she wants her parents to know and help her; I'll know more in a few days.

In this case, I know the parents and they are reasonable, rational people. I have no doubts that they will deal with the situation in the same manner that I would if the tables were turned.

I do believe strongly that the girl has to consent for me to tell her parents. I would rather that she do it herself and I think that my experience dealing with teenagers has made me quite persuasive. I think she is fearful of disappointing them. Really, she is still just a child in so many ways and although she is dealing with an adult problem, she should have the support of her parents. I can't and don't want to replace them unless absolutely necessary.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anjelika* 
And Imagine, I do give you credit for helping this girl, though I disagree with many of the other posters. You have a good heart. All the best to you...

Thank you for your support.

I think many of the previous posters agree but some assume the worst of the parents and some the best. If the girl's home situation was abusive, I would have no qualms about going this alone. Thankfully that isn't the case and the fears of a 13 y.o. need not be translated into an overreaction on my part. I think we can all work through this together.


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## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

I can relate to the disappointment factor. I became unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 20 (unmarried and in college), decided to carry the pregnancy, and it was SO tough telling my parents. And I was a legal and financially independent adult!

At 13 though - any choice you make is going to be rough! It really is something she shouldn't have to deal with in middle school. I really can't fathom it, and my heart is breaking for her!

My hope is that this brings them (girl and family) closer. I worry about girls sexually active at 13 - there is often an element of coercion there - sometimes outright. If it is her choice to be sexually active, that is one thing, but often it is symptomatic of underlying pressures. I just hope she's not being hurt...


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anjelika* 
I have to add - I'm floored at the lack of support for bringing the girl's parents into the loop. She could be making the decision under duress, or because she fears lack of financial support, or because she feels that she will be judged. Her parents could be her best allies - regardless of the choice made.

There was a case when I was a teen (30 years ago) when a minor sought an abortion and was denied because of parental consent laws her in state. The center notified her parents, and her father shot her. He was the father of her baby.

Assuming that all minors have parents who love them and want what's best for them is naive.

I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I just don't assume anything about the parents. I know they could be the most wonderful and supportive parents in the world or they could be seriously controlling to the point of putting their child at risk. Basically, only bring the parents in if you are reasonably sure they aren't going to completely flip over the whole thing and take it out on their daughter.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).

That is a pretty big assumption to make considering a good number of young teens have sex everyday without ever having been molested.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *doulatara* 
Unfortunately not in my state either (IL). I am very against consent laws though because I think that people who are for consent laws take for granted that everyone has healthy, supportive parents or guardians.

You (general- anyone in a state where one or both parents must "consent") might be surprised how easy it is to bypass that...provided the minor has a ride to the courthouse. There are even lawyers that help them go infront of the judge probono and the minor doesn't even have to use their real name. It takes all of 15 minutes (here)

To the OP. Good luck with how you procede. I'm glad this girl has a trusted adult (you) who can help her. And your daughter sounds like a really good friend


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

Do you know anything about the baby's father? I would be concerned she was sexually abused (perhaps even at home) or raped. This could be a police matter too.


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## <3mymom (Oct 15, 2009)

Although I am not a mother I just wanted to say that you're doing a great job helping out this girl, and it's so awesome that your daughter thought to go to you.

I also wanted to add that there is the possibility of running into legal issues depending on who this girl had sex with. Depending on what the statutory rape laws in California are and the age of her sexual partner there could potentially be an issue of stautory rape. Also along those lines there also may be a requirement for an abortion provider (or any other person in the medical field that becomes involved with this) to report this to child protective services because of the girls age and possibility of statutory rape (not sure what the age of consent is in california).

I ran into this issue a couple of years ago, a casual acquantiance's younger sister, she was 12 at the time thought she was pregnant but had not tested because she lacked information and resources (actually both of them lacked information and resources about even the most basic mechanics of sex, but were still both sexually active at the ages of 16 and 12). Her family was not in a very good place to support her in any way so when he told me I went and picked them both up (with their parents knowledge and permission) and got her a pregnancy test. Luckily she was not pregnant but before I knew that I had done some research and found that there was not a lot I could do for her beyond get her a test and help her tell her parents. It sounds like this is exactly what you plan to do, so you probably don't need to hear it from me. Anyway, I'll thank you for all the young girls out there, if i had become pregnant at 13 I don't know who I would have gone to but it's comforting to know there are people out there to help these young girls now.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

I don't know much about the father of the baby other than the parents are aware that the two are "dating" and that he is 14 years old. I not sure what kind of statuatory requirements there may be in California. I am reasonably sure that the girl has not be raped by the boy.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

I agree with everything MusicianDad has said, as usual.


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I suspect that the 13 year old in this thread has been molested at some point (not necessarily when she got pregnant and not necessarily by her father, but at some point by someone).

I don't see how this could be a reasonable conclusion. Lots of children are sexually active at 13. Not that I condone it, but I know it is fairly common....would not say the majority of kids are having sex at this age but I can tell you many of my friends were sexually active at 14. I hear kids on the bus talking about having sex all the time that come from elementary schools which are K-8th grade. I have even heard 2 girls on my daughter's cheerleading squad talking about having sex and they are 6th graders. Sure, hearing them talking is different than actually knowing they are active, but it seemed from the conversation there was real intent.


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mandynee22* 
You (general- anyone in a state where one or both parents must "consent") might be surprised how easy it is to bypass that...provided the minor has a ride to the courthouse. There are even lawyers that help them go infront of the judge probono and the minor doesn't even have to use their real name. It takes all of 15 minutes (here)


Here the process is alot more intensive. I do not do the work personally but I have a few friends who work as advocates for minors seeking abortions and they have to do quite a bit to get through the hoops. Perhaps because it is a very new law in IL.

I, along with a friend who has also worked as a doula and midwife's assistant, are developing the curriculum for a program (and working on a funding resource that looks very promising) to train advocates as "abortion doulas". There is a program in NYC already established that is doing so currently. We are hoping we can really help all women, but especially young women who may have to seek court assistance to bypass the consent laws, to make sure they are taken care of by knowledgable adults.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
I don't know much about the father of the baby other than the parents are aware that the two are "dating" and that he is 14 years old. I not sure what kind of statuatory requirements there may be in California. I am reasonably sure that the girl has not be raped by the boy.

At 13 and 14 there _shouldn't_ be any legal issues in California regarding age unless she admits to you that it was forced, but understand that they could technically _both_ be prosecuted if some over-zealous law enforcement person gets involved.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

doulatara said:


> I don't see how this could be a reasonable conclusion. Lots of children are sexually active at 13.
> 
> 
> > It's not a conclusion -- it's a suspicion. A large percentage of children who have consensual sex very young were first touched in inappropriate ways by adults. Being molested is linked to early sexual activity.
> ...


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pixiekisses* 
I agree with everything MusicianDad has said, as usual.

Me too.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
At 13 and 14 there _shouldn't_ be any legal issues in California regarding age unless she admits to you that it was forced, but understand that they could technically _both_ be prosecuted if some over-zealous law enforcement person gets involved.

Thanks for this. I don't expect an over zealous prosecutor.


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## SilverFish (Jan 14, 2010)

i just wanted to point out that even children with sane and loving parents can be in a position where they don't feel able or willing to tell their parents about a situation like this. my parents are very loving and reasonably sane, but also very religious... the fight we had when they found out i was sexually active was the most painful thing i've ever gone through with them. if i'd gotten pregnant and been forced into telling them, i really don't know how they would have reacted to my decision to abort. i would like to hope that they would have respected my decision, but given their strong religious beliefs on the subject, there's a good possibility that they wouldn't have reacted reasonably at all. i don't think they would have kicked me out, but given my understanding of their beliefs, it's not a piece of information about my life that i would have felt comfortable sharing (especially BEFORE going through with the procedure) with them, and i would have felt completely betrayed if a trusted adult had tried to force me to tell them, or had gone behind my back to tell them.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
That is a pretty big assumption to make considering a good number of young teens have sex everyday without ever having been molested.

Ah, but a lot of young teens are often coerced into sex by older partners pressuring them.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

I am glad the young girl has a supportive adult. Honestly sometimes someone other than the "parents" are the right guided in a childs life. Hard for us parents to accept but I always sort of hope that I have provided enough other adult relationships for my kids, especially my 13 yr old daughter, that she will have a trusted grown up to get her through any hard moments that I might not be the right person for.
I had a huge family of aunts and cousins and I cannot tell you how many times I went to one or another of my aunts instead of my mom. Now, I was and am very close with my mom and most of the time is was mom, but the moments I was really scared...sometimes it was my aunts. I think having other adults, besides just 2 parents, is a more natural and healthy way to raise children, we are just all good at different things.
I recently dealt with a 14 yr old pregnant girl, friend of my daughters, we slowly but surely worked up the courage to tell her mom, who took her somewhere to get an abortion and got her through it, by this time she was almost 3 months pregnant though....


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Ah, but a lot of young teens are often coerced into sex by older partners pressuring them.

But not this teenager so why is that even relevant in this situation?


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Do you know for sure she is preg? Has she taken a test or does she just think she is preg?


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Sounds like you handled it beautifully.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.


Sounds like you handled it well, hopefully the girl is able to get the help and support she needs.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Not to much to say, other than this thread made me sad, to think of a 13yo dealing with all this on her own.







And at least you were there to talk to her.


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## BabyMae09 (Sep 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
Hi All,

I picked up the kid at school, took her home and watched as she took the pregnancy test; she is NOT pregnant, thankfully. I did have a long talk with her about her behavior, what is causing the behavior, her relationships with her parents and her peers, the risks, the lack of benefits for a 13 y.o., etc... She was not being coerced, but nonetheless, the behavior is of serious concern.

Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. There was a great deal of crying and not enough opening up on her part. I told her that I would be calling her mother and suggesting a therapist. The conversation with the mother was difficult because I promised the kid that I wouldn't discuss the details of our talk. Mom clearly knows something is wrong, she took the name of the therapist and thanked me for being there. I will follow up next week with both of them.

On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well. I'm not sure how that is going to go over as time goes on, we'll see. My DD has lost respect for her friend and doesn't know how to handle that yet. I am VERY proud of my DD; she really assessed the situation well and did the right thing.

You may be the person that can come alongside this girl and help her turn her life around... she needs an adult that she can trust... jmo.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.


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## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.

Coming from one that was once the troubled teen that told all of her secrets to a trusted adult that NEVER ONCE told my mother... it really was overall more important for me to have SOMEONE to trust than it was for my mother to know every detail of what was wrong.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)




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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
Obviously, the problems that this girl has are extensive. ... On a side note, I really don't want my daughter spending time with this girl. DD is leaning towards that as well.

I'm not suprised the girl has a lot of problems. I really don't think that emotionally healthy 13 year olds choose to have sex. I see it as out of the norm enough to be a huge red flag that something is seriously wrong.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.

As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.

Where we live, for a child to be therapy the parent must sign a statement saying that the counselor doesn't have to tell the parent everything. The child knows it, and it's part of establishing trust so the child *might* feel like they can tell someone what is going on.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.

I would not really care if a troubled child's parent was furious with me. My concern would be for the kid, not his/her parent's ego.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.

Even perfectly good and loving parents can be hard to talk to sometimes


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## lil_miss_understood (Jul 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Personally I'd be furious with you if you knew "something" was wrong with my dd but wouldn't tell me what, exactly.

Personally, I'd be hurt that my daughter didn't come to me but grateful that she had an adult she felt she could trust.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
Coming from one that was once the troubled teen that told all of her secrets to a trusted adult that NEVER ONCE told my mother... it really was overall more important for me to have SOMEONE to trust than it was for my mother to know every detail of what was wrong.

This.
I've had a lot of problems in my life that probably would have been light years better if a high school counselor hadn't decided that blabbing to my mom was more important than me having someone I could _trust_ to talk to. I learned my lesson at 15 - people who say they want to help me want to help me on _their_ terms, no matter what it does to me. So, I can't trust them. So, I have nobody to talk to.

I would hope that someone who was going to betray someone's trust would be acting from a better motive than "oh, well - she's 13, so betraying her doesn't really matter".


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
As a former troubled teen, I feel strongly that if a teen is having a problems and can't talk to their parent, it's most likely the parent's fault. Children come into this world wanting and needing to trust their parents and it's only when parents screw that up over and over and over that they kill it off.

Children can also feel strongly protective of my parents. I didn't want my counselor talking to my mom about my issues, because my mom was already dealing with three delinquent children, two invalid parents (she was their caregiver for 20+ years, starting before I was born) and an alcoholic, mostly absentee (aside from a paycheque), husband. And, looking back on it from the perspective of a quarter century...there wasn't a damned thing she could have done, except for worry, anyway.

Quote:

Where we live, for a child to be therapy the parent must sign a statement saying that the counselor doesn't have to tell the parent everything. The child knows it, and it's part of establishing trust so the child *might* feel like they can tell someone what is going on.
Good plan. I still wouldn't trust a counselor, but it would probably help some kids.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

I am beyond stunned at the number of people who think the parents shouldn't be told. If I found out that one of my girls had been pregnant, got an abortion and that another adult knew about it but didn't see fit to tell me I would be livid! She is THIRTEEN, nowhere near adult age and still very much her parent's responsibility. I would talk to her but tell her that I had to tell her parents. Wow. Distrubed here on so many levels.

ETA: read the update. Glad you contacted the mother. I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.
I really, really disagree with this and it comes from personal experience. It is never one child's job to bail out a friend who is making some really questionable choices. Never.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I really, really disagree with this and it comes from personal experience. It is never one child's job to bail out a friend who is making some really questionable choices. Never.

I didn't say anything about "bailing" anyone out. It's called compassion. It's called being a real friend. If it was your child who was in a similar position you would not want all their friends to abandon them. Maybe it's just how I teach my kids - there but for the grace of God go I. The shoe could be on the other foot someday, so treat people how you would want to be treated.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
ETA: read the update. Glad you contacted the mother. I'm a little surprised at your daughter's plan to no longer be friends with this girl. If this girl is in trouble she needs all the help and support she can get.

I disagree with this too.

I think its reasonable for a child to decline to be a source of support for a person who stresses her out and involves her in issues that she doesn't feel ready or able to deal with. I can see how that sucks from the other side, but it's an appropriate and reasonable choice for a person to make.

Staying friends would also be an appropriate and reasonable choice, if that's what the OP's DD wanted to do, but if she doesn't want to, she shouldn't be encouraged to invest energy in the relationship in the name of compassion.

I'm an adult, with a ton of resources, and even I have limits. I've let friendships drop because the people involved were too needy and the relationship required more than I had available to give.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
I didn't say anything about "bailing" anyone out. It's called compassion. It's called being a real friend. If it was your child who was in a similar position you would not want all their friends to abandon them. Maybe it's just how I teach my kids - there but for the grace of God go I. The shoe could be on the other foot someday, so treat people how you would want to be treated.

Having been the kid with the friend who was way, way too much for me to deal with, I really wish an adult (like one of my parents) would've seen that I needed someone to bail ME out of a really one-sided "friendship" with someone who had no intention of ever trying to help herself. Why should she when whe had me to bail her out. I thought I was "being a good friend" but in reality, I was 13 and someone else should've been handling all that at ALL.

REAL FRIENDSHIP is not one sided.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *doulatara* 
Here the process is alot more intensive. I do not do the work personally but I have a few friends who work as advocates for minors seeking abortions and they have to do quite a bit to get through the hoops. Perhaps because it is a very new law in IL.

I, along with a friend who has also worked as a doula and midwife's assistant, are developing the curriculum for a program (and working on a funding resource that looks very promising) to train advocates as "abortion doulas". There is a program in NYC already established that is doing so currently. We are hoping we can really help all women, but especially young women who may have to seek court assistance to bypass the consent laws, to make sure they are taken care of by knowledgable adults.

Awesome!!! I wish I had had that. I had one at 18, I was in college, abusive boyfriend, afraid to tell my parents. It was a horrible experience and I wish I had had someone to help me through it.

On the abuse issue in general, I think there are a lot of gray areas, inappropriate talk/behavior exposure that influence kids. I don't know by how much as I myself was abused at too young of an age to gauge, but it doesn't take flat out contact to mess with a kid's head about what's healthy and normal. That said, I think it is healthy and normal to have sexual desire at a young age due to physical maturity and my hope is that my kids continue to trust me enough to lean on me for guidance. I have a ton of books available, we read them together. I do my best to extinguish shame and embarrassment when I see it and help them see other perceptions. I also don't hide my affection with my partner in front of them, we kiss and hug and *very* mildly flirt in front of them, but keep everything else in the bedroom. They have walked in a few times (they seem to be unable to adopt the concept of knocking) we keep sheets on though so I just say we're loving each other, but I want them to as much as possible see a normal healthy relationship so that when they are ready to explore they have seen a good example.

I didn't mean to go so off topic.

I really hope everything turns out safe and supported for her. YOu are doing a wonderful thing for her.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
I disagree with this too.

I think its reasonable for a child to decline to be a source of support for a person who stresses her out and involves her in issues that she doesn't feel ready or able to deal with. I can see how that sucks from the other side, but it's an appropriate and reasonable choice for a person to make.

Staying friends would also be an appropriate and reasonable choice, if that's what the OP's DD wanted to do, but if she doesn't want to, she shouldn't be encouraged to invest energy in the relationship in the name of compassion.

I'm an adult, with a ton of resources, and even I have limits. I've let friendships drop because the people involved were too needy and the relationship required more than I had available to give.

YES!!! As a parent I want my kid to be a kid.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harrietsmama* 
YES!!! As a parent I want my kid to be a kid.

I want my kid to be a kid too. A kid with compassion who works to help others.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

You mean by getting her in touch with an adult who will help her work through what and how to tell her parents? Who will get her a pregnancy test? (Ah 13 year olds, convinced no one will ever know they've had sex, but scared to buy a pregnancy test because everyone will know. Sigh...)

You mean like that?

Or do you mean having compassion like all the people in personal growth who've had to cut off friendships after draining their energy time and resources? Relationships built on one person being needy are a horrible idea and not helpful to either person.

Plus, the OP's dd is still part of a social circle that the girl is in. So they'll still see each other, but just not hang out alone.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

And why on earth wouldn't a menstruating female want sex? Puberty means that the body is ready for intercourse. And has the relevant hormones driving that impulse.

Sure, it's probably a troubled teenager who acts on those impulses, but that's because un-troubled teenagers are more likely to conform to societal norms, not because they don't have the same urges.

Rather than saying it's bad for a 13 year old to want sexual expression, how about helping them find a safe outlet? In our day and age, it isn't safe to get needs met through intercourse because we aren't set up for families with 13 and 14 year old parents.

Imagine21, my vote is that you follow the advice given in the other thread and give your dd the book "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and a vibrator. And make it something that could be a neck massager or the like.


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