# Tell me about your broken heart



## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Whenever I talk to other women who have lost babies the most common thing I hear is that they have nobody to talk to. I think we are all healed when we can tell someone about our broken heart and have them listen and respond in an appropriate and sympathetic manner.

SO here it is, this thread is for you to tell everyone else about your loss, your pain and the hole you carry around in your heart every day.

I am listening and I know others are too.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Here's mine:

Randy and I got married in April 2003, we stopped using birth control as soon as we got back from our honeymoon hoping for a baby right away. I had a 7 year old son whom Randy has adopted.

Over the next 16 months we tried everything to get pregnant, we charted, took herbs, OPKs ... everything. Cycle 8 was a chemical pregnancy. Finally cycle 15 we got pregnant! Woo Hoooo! Sadly we miscarried at 5 weeks.

We were devestated but God blessed us with another pregnancy right away and our son Logan was born July 2, 2005.

About 6 months ago we started TTC again. We got pregnant in January only to miscarry at 6 weeks. We got pregnant again after that miscarriage and miscarried again at 6 weeks.

The most recent miscarriage was only a couple of weeks ago and since then my SIL has announced her pregnancy. We shared a due date. She is pregnant, I am not.









I have to see her all the time. I have been avoiding her as much as possible but we go to church together twice a week and there are always family functions. People keep asking me when we are going to have another baby because SIL and I were pregnant at the same time before and our toddlers are only a few weeks apart in age.

I can barely leave the house, my heart hurts all the time. I know everyone has expected me to be over it by now but I am trying to figure out some reasonable excuse to skip my nephew's 3rd birthday party this weekend since that SIL just had a baby a few weeks ago.

So there is the story of my heartache. I know it is nothing compared to the pain that some of you have lived through but it's mine and I carry it every day. It is a cloud over me that casts its shadow on every day of my life.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

My daughter would have started kindergarten this fall, had she not been stillborn.

we dealt with infertility for over a year before I got pg. I had a difficult first pg, with pg induced hypertension from early on, and then developed preeclampsia at 28 weeks. Ds1 was born by emergency cs at 30w 2 days. I had to get bad enough to need a cs in order to be transferred from the military hospital I was in to one with appropriate NIICU. So instead of being induce 12 hours earlier, which would have meant staying at the hospital with no NICU, and tranporting my fragile baby 20 miles away immediately by birth, I had to get sicker and sicker so that I was critical enough to need a preterm cs, which was grounds for transfer before delivery. At birth, I was sicker than he was, and the wonderful dr that delivered me said she was surprised that I survived without stroking out or having a heart attack. I was the sickest patient she had ever had that survived with no long term injruy. Today my oldest is doing well, but it was a hard several years, a blur of sleepless nights, dr's appts, and therapists. We were told that additional pg would be very risky. Fast forward 4 years...

We talked to my current dr. He felt that the likelihood of developing preeclamsia again was not as high as my previous dr's had told me, and that some of the problems were due to medical mismanagement. I got pg the first month. I had a wonderful pg, with low normal bp, and no difficulties barring a few weeks of miserable morning sickness. On my 7m check up, my protein levels were high and bp elevated, so I had preclampsia again. When they went to check for her heartbeat, they couldn't find it. After an ultrasound confirmed what we already knew but were denying, I was induced. 26 hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. She looked so much like my oldest son! On physical examination, we found out that she did not die because of the preeclampsia, she had a random, unrelated cord injury. It is possible that the preeclampsia symptoms were due to the cord being completely twisted, acting similarly to a clot, but no one knows for sure. At times, I can still feel death inside me, and that is a hard sensation to shake. I had my VBAC, but my baby is dead, so what does it matter? I will never have the experience of a joyful birth, only those of fear and grief.

Because I have had preeclampsia early on in 2 pg, my chances of having it again are extremely high, as are my chances of needing to deliver before a baby is viable or when a very early preemie to save my life. So pg is highly not recommended again for me. We have gone on to adopt a beautiful little boy from Korea that is a joy.

But I miss being pregnant, and I miss the easy joy of deciding "I think we should have another baby", and then going for it. I wanted a housefull of children. I have 2 boys that are the light of my life and I adore them, but I would love to have a daughter to share in those special mother/daughter moments, and that is just not going to happen. We cannot afford to adopt again, so unless there is a miracle cure or we win some sweepstakes, my baby days are over. And that makes me very sad. I'm not ready to be done.

And I am so, so sorry there are so many of us missing children and that htere is anyone else wo knows the feelings I am talking about.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Carrie, I am so sorry for everything you have had to endure.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Carrie--http://members.shaohannahshope.org/site/PageServer

I hope that worked, I'm hopelessly inept at anything technical. It's a link to the foundation set up by Steven Curtis Chapman, who has the goal of helping to place children who need homes in homes who need children. They do provide grants to people who want to adopt, but are not financially able.

Sara--I hope you find some answers for why your road has been so hard.

I've plastered my story all over this board. The signature pretty much sums it up. There is a deep current of sorrow that runs through my life, but it no longer dominates my life.

We will start TTC again this summer, which scares me to death. I'm kind of, sort of starting to look into adoption, just so we have another avenue to parenthood in case things don't work for us genetically.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Baby Makes 4, thanks for the support. At this point in my journey, most of the time there is not a constant tug of pain. But ever since ds 1 was born, I usually have a few weeks of sadness around his birthday, which is next week. Actually, I have planned large birthday parties every year to keep myself busy and my thoughts occupied as a coping strategy. But this year he wants a basic couple of kids over slumber party, so not much to plan LOL Since we lost dd, I feel the double whammy of loss. I'm sorry you have to deal with new babies in the family. I still tend to avoid newborns, although I can usually handle older babies. I don't think I could handle being around a baby with the same edd, seeing what I was missing would drive me insane. As far as the bday party, could you claim that you did a little too much, and the dr has recommended that you take it easy for a few days. Let dh take the kids, and get some peace and a house to yourself? I don't know if that would work for you, it would in my family.

lolalapcat, thanks for the link. We had checked into it before, and even know some people online that recieved one through them, but we missed some deadlines by technicalities. Thanks for the reminder, though, that there still some options. If you decide to look at adoption, feel free to PM me with questions or hop over to the adoption board. I can sympathize about being scared--I was terrified with pg #2, and I had not even lost a child yet. I will say that I was much more relaxed with adoption, as I knew it was only a matter of time until a live baby. we chose international so that we could have an input in the timeline and the most stable program we could find for those exact reasons--I could not handle the unknown. I hope you find what you are looking for.


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## wild&precious life (Sep 13, 2006)

I have not experienced anything like what you all have gone through. My heart aches for the three of you, just hearing your stories.
On April 2 around midnight I had emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I am healing well physically, but emotionally I am just beginning to even think about what just happened. I have been convincing myself that I just had surgery and am not letting myself believe that what actually happened was that my baby died. It actually took my therapist saying that to me for me to realize what is actually going on within my soul.
I feel like I am just a shell walking around without a spirit, but at the same time I feel like I am still carrying this little spirit within me.
I have been pregnant 3 times, but have one wonderful and delightful little girl to share my life with.
My very first pregnancy was actually a blighted ovum, then I carried my daughter full term, and this pregnancy was ectopic.
I think my daughter Marie is my Spirit Baby.
http://www.babycatcher.net/excerpt2.html
My heart goes out to you all, as well as aching for my own loss.
Leslie


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Big hugs for both of you Leslie and Keri.


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

It's 2 years to the day that we lost out first baby at 10 weeks pg. Yesterday was my dh's birthday but we both didn't feel much like celebrating. My dh had a co-worker loose her baby yesterday, so it's been rough going these past few days.

People don't talk about miscarriages and that bothers me. I think about that baby every day.

We got a BFP on the 4th cycle of ttc and I stupidly thought I wouldn't have a m/c so we shouted our news from the rooftops. We went in for an u/s and there was no heartbeat. I felt like my world had crumbled. We had to go around and tell everyone about our loss as neither of us wanted to have to answer questions about how the pg was going.

We conceived the next cycle and have our beautiful son as a result. He was born a day after the 1 year anniversary of the conception of our first child.

Thanks for reading, I've been needing to write about that precious child on this sad day.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Casey, I'm so sorry for your loss too. The anniversary dates are so hard. My SIL will be having a scheduled c-section the week of one of my due dates, I am dreading it so much.


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

Sara:







That's tough! I understand, one of my best friends was due within a week of my lost baby. It was hard for me to watch her growing belly knowing mine should have been growing along with her.








to all you mamas.


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## SequoiasMom (Feb 27, 2007)

Well,
i do appreciate this thread.....i am typing badly because of baby on my chest, but I would like to tell a condensed version of our story. found out i was pg. with twins at about 2 mo. pg. found out baby A had multicystic kidneys at about 3 mo. pg. prognosis not good, but no way to tell until birth. well, the next 4 months were awful and beautiful. so hard, the mix of emotions. preterm labor at 32 weeks, two live babies went straight to the nicu. baby A on heavy support, baby B doing great, just little. both under 4 lbs. Baby A, Journey, stayed with us for 1 day. she had no elimination system, could not sustain, even with machines. We held her and let her go. it hurt then, and hurtsmore now, 3 mo. later as i hold her twin sister. i don't have anyone to talk to, i know no one who has been through anything like this. i don't know the right thing to do to heal...


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## MonTana Mama (Jan 13, 2005)

wild&precious life-I just told that story last night to my family. We birthed our 2nd boy on 4/17. Then last night found out there had been a twin. I feel devastated and yet so happy bc we have this beautiful boy! My dh says it is a blessing-there was obviously something wrong, but I told him to not try to talk me out of grieving-I am the mother and it is my right. What do we tell Noah? I guess the truth, someday. Twins...


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## wild&precious life (Sep 13, 2006)

Big hugs and healing thoughts to everyone. My dh has been very supportive during all of this but I still feel alone on some aspects of this experience. Of course he can't know what it's like to be pregnant so his experience of this is very different from mine. I found myself being very thankful for my circle of momma friends today. It has been a big part of my healing process to share my story here and with my friends. Again, Big hugs and healing thoughts to all you strong wonderful women.


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## LolaPop (Apr 2, 2007)

Thank you all for sharing. It can be so easy to forget that we are not alone. Especially when you leave the house and all you see is people with their children and all the women you were pregnant with have their babies and you don't. My sister went into labor the day my Trixie passed away. She was 12 days old when we had to let her go. I miss her sooooooooooo much. The heartache is huge. It is still so shocking to me that she is not here. I feel like someday I will wake up from this horrible nightmare and she will be in my arms. I pray and hope that someday her soul will return to me. My life feels so empty sometimes. I am a SAHM with no baby, WTF??? I am grateful to be pregnant again but also full of fear, unlike my first pregnancy. I was so happy, trusting, and optimistic. I am seeing a therapist and trying my best to keep an open heart and stay present for this baby even though some days are still really dark.

Sending light and love to all of you-
Lola.


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## wild&precious life (Sep 13, 2006)

Lolapop


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