# How to tell children of impending pregnancy loss in 3rd trimester??



## foolishpony (Aug 21, 2009)

I searched for similar threads and couldn't find anything... maybe it's just my muddled brain.

I am 27 weeks and due to various complications have been told that our baby will likely die within the next few weeks. It's a long story and I just can't type it out right now. I think the baby will die in utero and I will have to be induced. I have a DD who is just 5 and unbelievably excited to be having a new baby and DS who is 2 1/2. How in the world do I prepare them, especially my little girl or do I wait until after it happens? We will not try again, so there will not be that possibility.

Please help! I had a 1st trimester miscarriage before DD was born and I just don't remember feeling so hopelessly destroyed. I have tried talking a bit to our Lutheran pastor about some things and I invariably get pissed off because he somehow misunderstands what I am saying (again, my issue likely). I don't know anyone personally who has been through this, and I really want to help my children deal with this.

Thank you for helping me not feel so alone.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

I couldn't read and not post.







I'm so, so sorry for this news.

I've not lost a baby in pregnancy, so I don't know what you could say to your children about that, but we've told my two year old (when she asks) that Charlie will always be in her heart. I can imagine that it would be harder for children to comprehend a loss when it was someone they never got to meet.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

So sorry that you are going through this. I haven't had personal experience, but during my work with SANDS, I have come across a few families in your situation. I'm not exactly sure how you have the conversation with your daughter but a book like this might be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113

I also think that it is important for your children to meet their sibling, so they form an association with that sibling as brother or sister. Spending time together and taking photos after the birth can be incredibly healing for everyone involved. I know that might sound inappropriate, but I think that children process things alot more simply than we do, and not allowing them to meet the baby can confuse them even more.

I wish you all the best in the coming weeks.


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## tribord (Mar 18, 2009)

I am so, so sorry to hear about your baby.

Although I have miscarried I have never been in your situation and can't offer any first-hand advice. However I have explained stillbirths and neonatal losses to my daughter when she was 3 and thought these books were good; they are actually written for siblings.

"Something Happened"

http://somethinghappenedbook.com/index.html

and

"What Happened to Baby?"

http://www.skylight.org.nz/What+Happened+to+Baby%3F


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

No advice, but I couldn't read and not post...I'm so sorry, mama, I hope you are all able to find peace.


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## trekkingirl (Dec 2, 2009)




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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh honey, I am so so sorry.

I've thought a lot about what I would do if my twins didn't make it. My four year old has been around a lot of deaths- her grandfather and aunt died within a year of each other, and we've lost a few pets along the way. So here are just some random thoughts...

1. I talked to her about how sometimes, when you are very very sick, way worse than normal sick, you can't ever get better, and you die. When you're dead, you don't breathe, or eat, or play anymore. You don't move or talk. (I was very careful to avoid anything like "go to sleep" or "not wake up".) I explained what a grave is and how you go into a special place your family makes you for to go into, that once you're buried, you stay there, and you don't come out again.

I have talked to her a little bit about how the babies have to be big enough to come out. She was sort of old enough for my last miscarriage to understand what was going on (much much earlier, 8 weeks) and I told her that the baby was too small to be alive, and she seemed to understand that at three and a half well enough. I've talked to her some this time about how if the babies come out too soon, they might be too small too, and might have to live at the hospital to get bigger.

2. One thing that she always said with the pets and baby kittens we lost was how cute they were and how much she liked holding them and kissing them. I would definitely let her see the baby, take pictures, encourage her to love on him. She won't quite get that he's not there and doesn't feel it or hear her. She loves my OB textbooks (I'm a doula) and there are pictures of babies with birth defects- she doesn't notice. She still thinks they're cute babies. Kids generally aren't horrified or scared by stuff like that as long as the adults around them aren't. I don't know if his physical appearance would be a concern, but that's just something to remember.

3. If she likes to make things, have her make something for the baby. A drawing, a painting, something. Something she could make two of, or keep half of, and bury one with him and one to keep is nice. My daughter was very very close to my father, and we made handprints of him and her together, and buried one with him, and she kept the other. I got some presents for her, "from" him for her to keep- some to have right now (toys to play with in the hospital, mostly) and others for her to have when she's older (a necklace in a music box that has a little hidden compartment with some of his hair in it). Something she can have to remember that was "his". If there are any baby things you have that you don't want to get rid of, consider letting her have her own small memory box, maybe?

4. Is there anyone she is close to that can help her and your son through this? You and your husband need to grieve, too, and it's hard to do that with your children around. I like this link (written by a blogger friend of mine) about how to help a family through something like this: http://gwendomama.blogspot.com/2008/08/when-children-die-what-to-do-or-say-or.html

I really hope this is helpful. Contact your hospital's social worker and child life specialist- they do this every day (the social worker when my dad was in the hospital was amazing). Call "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and ask them for ideas. Might I ask what denomination of Lutheran you are? One of my good friends is the wife of an LCMS pastor and might be able to help you find some resources within your faith.

I am so so sorry, mama. *hugs* if okay for your and your kids.

~Rose


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## foolishpony (Aug 21, 2009)

UPDATE:

I wanted to thank you all for posting and tell you that John was born still at 29 weeks last week by c-section (I consented to it, my 3rd, after really wanting to VBAC, and the recovery has been awful). I didn't think I had really felt him for possibly a day or more and I was going crazy so I went in for my OB to listen and he was gone. So many things I wish I could do over. DH was with me and we came home to tell our 2 before I went back in for surgery. Right before we left I overheard my MIL (who was going to stay with our children) say "well, now's the time to think about it". I knew she was talking about having my tubes tied because I'm 40, this was a surprise pregnancy and she doesn't think anyone should have more than 2 children (because she didn't want 3 although my dear deceased FIL did). So what did I do? Talked to DH about it in the car and had my tubes tied! Really. AND I did not have an outfit for my sweet little boy, or a toy for him. I did take a blanket at least but that was it.

I appreciate those of you who posted about my children coming to the hospital -- they did, twice. DS (2) actually held him, but DD didn't want to. I've ordered some of the books you all mentioned. Overall, they seem to be doing pretty well. We talk about John and how he will always be their little brother and he will live in their hearts. The hospital did give us a teddy bear and the funeral home gave us one, so they each have a bear. DD and DS call them "John's bears" and take them to bed at night. We've always had a flexible sleeping arrangement and they've mostly been back in bed with us. We've tried to be clear and simple in what we tell them. We had John cremated, and they went with us to pick up the ashes from the funeral home. They each held the urn on the way home and DD asked us a little about what ashes look like. But I can't look at the 2 of them now and not think that part of our family is missing.

I've been in contact with SHARE and plan to go to a meeting. And as a family we are going to do a remembrance walk later this month. I think John's death has brought up unresolved grief from my early miscarriage before DD was born. Many people have been supportive and kind but I am SO ANGRY at the people who know what happened and don't say a word about John. All they have to say is "I'm sorry". It makes me outraged that people can be so ignorant. My SIL left a message this week and said "I hope you are having a good week". Yeah, I get to pick up my cremated baby from the funeral home. What about you??

I did not think to ask for the outfit one of the kind nurses dressed him in. I did not think to ask for the hats he wore in the hospital. I did not think I wanted to hold him again before I left. But I do. And I do know that I wanted him and that I thought he was perfect and that I will love him forever. I just hope he knows all of that.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet baby John. I believe he does know how much you love him.


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## MakingHome (Jun 19, 2012)

Oh I'm so very sorry for your loss, and for all of the grief and sadness you're going through, having lost your little John. I pray for God to grant you peace and healing, over time, and in ways only He can do.

As for the people who don't say anything, people just don't know WHAT to say. They don't want to "bring it up" even though (of course!) it's always "up" in your mind and heart... especially now, so close to the grief and sorrow.

It sounds like you've done well helping your children work through and process this sad time. It is so true-- he will always be their brother... I just pray for healing and rest for your family... and that you will have at least one friend/relative who will understand and be a blessing to you during this time when it's all so new and fresh. Sometimes God is the only one who understands and can hear every bit of our grief, but sometimes He lets us have a friend or two who "gets" it and will just let us openly process without judgment, shame, or unnecessary words. I pray that He will be utterly gracious to you during this sad time. ((((hugs))))


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

I am so so so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. John will be with you and your family always. We have lost two babies at 18 weeks and it is so hard. Honestly just let your self be angry with people. It might not be their fault they might not understand, they might say the wrong things. But it is not your job to accomodate them. If they make you angry that is ok. People are going to say stupid stupid things. Its just how it is I guess. Finding women who have been through it too helped me a lot.

I am so sorry mama.


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

You poor sweet dear, I am so sorry








I just couldn't read and not post. I can only imagine how hard it must be to heal and grieve right now. (((hugs)))


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