# 3-year old refusing to get dress & making it so the rest of us can't leave



## f&p'smama (Sep 3, 2006)

I have 3-year old twins & a 3-month old baby. Yesterday we had plans and one of my girls refused to get dressed. It was plans she was looking forward to. She basically had a huge tantrum. I am not sure what started it, but it ended up with an hour long drama most of which she spent naked on the floor and screaming. When I was finally able to connect with her, it came out that she wants more attention from me. Fair enough. She probably hasn't gotten enough since the baby was born. I gave her lots of snuggles and attention yesterday and this morning, too, IMO.

She's pulling the same routine today, but basically smiling and laughing through it and telling me, "No." We're supposed to go take the train to have lunch with my husband. I told her we will cancel it if she can't get dressed.

How should I handle this? I am pretty angry right now. I do not want to be trapped in the house because a naked 3 year old won't put on clothes.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I would gently tell her the choice is hers, if she chooses not to get dressed then she can go naked. She will probably want to get dressed by the time you are in the car.

I have found the "if you don't do xyz (usually try to potty), then we can't go to the xyz activity" thing doesn't work for me.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Or if she is smiling and laughing through it, perhaps you can make a game of getting dressed?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

This may not be the most popular answer, but when our 3 yo does this, I put her in the car naked. I bring along clothes, and usually by the time we're there, she's either calmed down enough or cold enough to put on clothes.

The key for me to is to not get angry about it. "Resigned" works well, and I present this to my dd very matter of factly. "I've set the timer for 5 minutes. When it beeps, we need to go. If you're dressed, great! If not, I'll help you into the car like you are and bring your clothes with. Let me know if you want my help in getting dressed."

If you add to this extra one-on-one time, some 'chase' games at other times (sometimes dd runs away just because it's so much fun to be chased by mom!), and make sure that your schedule isn't too busy (some kids just need time at home), then I wouldn't feel bad about the "Ok, we'll go as you are" decision.


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## Mere (Oct 1, 2002)

We avoid the getting dressed drama completely by dressing ds1 in clean clothes the night before. Then, when he wakes up the next morning, he's already ready to go!

We have done this for 2 years now, and seriously, it has saved my sanity.

Otherwise, I'd probably do the put-the-naked-kid-in-the-car thing (but I'd tell her it was a choice - she could go naked or go clothed - and act like you didn't care either way).


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Well I think first off you have to think whether your response is something you really want to carry out, or something fair to all involved.

In my house, going out naked is not an option, nor is cancelling everytime someone won't follow through on their part to get ready. I help, I say the same thing repeatedly as patient as I can, and I try to remain non emotional about it.

Usually my kids are ok with getting dressed. when I am in a good mood, and they try to pull out the negative attention getting tricks, I try to ignore and distract.


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## kochanyk (Jun 30, 2005)

I have opted for the explanation approach. DS (now 3.5) did this a ton from 2-3 and still on occassion. I would explain to him exactly- in great detail- where we were going, why we are going and what will be the outcome if we do not go (ie, we are going to the Vons grocery store to purchase fruit. I need you to understand that you not getting dressed means that we cannot go to the store and therefore we will not have fruit. This means by you choosing not to dress you don't get grapes today.) Just saying "okay, you're not getting dressed so no grapes" doesn't help me either. But long explanations of logic work for us. I've been forced to do the half naked thing a couple times when it involved doctors apt and other stuff. I always keep spare clothes in the car.

Are you letting her choose her own clothing? Perhaps more or less structure around that would help- I know some kids need the independence of choosing every piece and some kids need to just have a couple things to choose from- self-dressing solved a lot of drama for us.


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## sadiesmom (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
Or if she is smiling and laughing through it, perhaps you can make a game of getting dressed?

Yes, yes, yes. This has been a lifesaver for us when trying to get out of the house these days. The "if you don't do xyz, then we can't do xyz" thing doesn't work for us either. My dd is super stubborn. Also, if I tried to pick up my naked kid and put her in the car she would absolutely freak. It has to be HER IDEA. So yesterday she wasn't wanting to get dressed, even to go somewhere she wanted to go, go figure. Anyway, I put on some music and started having her pants dance around. She was amused by this. I told her that her pants would probably dance better if they had some legs in them. I did the same thing with her shirt, her shoes and socks. She thought it was hilarious and was dressed in 5 minutes. Sometimes I'm not feeling that energetic, but I'm not willing to abandon my plans, get into long explanations (they DO NOT work for us at all), or get into a power struggle with my kid when I'm trying to get somewhere, so that usually motivates me to do some creative thinking. Usually we leave in a good mood. It's hard though. 3 years old has definitely been tough!


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## medicmama (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mere* 
We avoid the getting dressed drama completely by dressing ds1 in clean clothes the night before. Then, when he wakes up the next morning, he's already ready to go!

We have done this for 2 years now, and seriously, it has saved my sanity.

Otherwise, I'd probably do the put-the-naked-kid-in-the-car thing (but I'd tell her it was a choice - she could go naked or go clothed - and act like you didn't care either way).

I do the dressed night before sometimes too. It's ds's choice, what ever he decides to do.
Now I can say I have only done the put in car half dressed once. Then brought him to school in undies, he got dressed rather quickly. But my ds is 6,not 3.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen might make a good read.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
This may not be the most popular answer, but when our 3 yo does this, I put her in the car naked.

I'm with Lynn


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen might make a good read.

My thought as well. He has some great advice for this one specifically. It has helped me in the past and DS loves "the game" so much that even now, he'll ask me to play it with him...

When it's time to get dressed, lose the asking and all the effort involved in "getting" her to do it and grab two dolls, stuffed animals, whatever and start the two in an argument: "I don't think 'Sally' can get dressed by herself!" And then the other rooting for your DD, "Oh yes she can! I've seen her do it." Be animated and silly and keep the argument going and see if your DD doesn't sneakily get herself dressed and then show the nay sayer just how wrong he/she was! It takes some initial effort but in actuality, it takes minutes--much less stress and effort than asking her repeatedly and engaging a power struggle. AND, the extra added benefit is that this kind of play is so healing and attachment oriented--she gets that attention from you that she's feeling she really needs right now, and ya'll get out the door on time. Plus, this one has a giggle factor that can start the day on a much better note.

Another thing I did at this age with dressing was set a challenge. I'd wait to get dressed myself and place my clothes out and DS's clothes out on the bed and then I'd saunter to wherever he was and say, "I bet I can get dressed faster than you!" To which he couldn't resist the challenge and then we'd commence to the bedroom and start the race. DS would dress quickly and I'd play the dolt, not being able to get my clothes on very well, putting things on the wrong body parts, acting silly... DS is laughing and dressed quickly and I say, "Ah, you always beat me!"

It sounds like she's just needing you right now and at 3, sometimes getting dressed is something she CAN do, but not necessarily wants to do... at least by herself. My DS spent a lot of time at this age naked and loving it. Getting him out the door was a challenge, but the playful advice helped me EVERY time. No fail. If it sounds like something you'd be into trying, then I hope you have the same result!









The best and hang in there mama. You have your hands full and this can be one of those things that in the moment just grates... this too shall pass.









Em


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## lucyem (Apr 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laoxinat* 
I'm with Lynn









This is what I did. I only had to do it once. I set my DS up to do it safely. It was winter but a sunny day. I started the car and got it warm. He did not have a cold. I gave him the five minute warning "you can get dressed or not, but we are going in 5 minutes with or without your clothes" and he spent 5 minutes laughing, thinking it was a great idea. I picked him up and out we went. By the time I reached the car he had decided clothing was a good thing







: Once in the car I helped him quickly dress and we were on our way. My DS thought it was really funny and it became kind of a family joke.

In our case we had run out of options. Playing/making it a game was not working and my DH was starting to loose it.


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## dianna11 (Dec 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kochanyk* 
I have opted for the explanation approach. DS (now 3.5) did this a ton from 2-3 and still on occassion. I would explain to him exactly- in great detail- where we were going, why we are going and what will be the outcome if we do not go *(ie, we are going to the Vons grocery store to purchase fruit. I need you to understand that you not getting dressed means that we cannot go to the store and therefore we will not have fruit. This means by you choosing not to dress you don't get grapes today.)* Just saying "okay, you're not getting dressed so no grapes" doesn't help me either. But long explanations of logic work for us..

I have been thinking about this since yesterday it really clicked for me! I would always say something like "okay, you're not getting dressed so no grapes", clearly this is too abstract and ends up sounding like just a threat, instead of a process that they are part of. This is definitely something DD would "get" and I have totally missed the boat on it!

I am actually looking forward to conflict today so I can try explaining in detail why she needs to get dressed/eat breakfast/lunch/nap/etc.

Thank you!!


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

I probably wouldn't do naked, but I would let her stay in pajamas.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

My son refuses to get dressed as well.... and when I am in a hurry, it makes the situation worse. So my advice is...

1). Be prepared...very prepared. So you are never ever in a hurry. It really helps. It makes you feel more relaxed and a more relaxed you means you dont get stressed when your child decides to do whatever it is that, if you were in a hurry, would just stress you out! lol It helps me so much, because then I dont feel the need to do something I might regret, like shout at my son or something, which really isnt his fault at all - but pressure on the situation makes things a bit more heated than necessary. So avoid that if you can!

2). Dont worry about it. As I said, my son refuses to get dressed to. So after I give myself plenty of time, I prepare myself for him not wanting to get dressed. The thing is, we live consensually - I will not force him to do anything. In order for us to go out, he needs to be wearing something...at least some underwear! lol... But I will not force him to put clothes on. This helps actually - the whole atmosphere. Because in time, with my patience and stress free plenty of time to go self, my son eventually comes to me for his clothes of his own will because he has that control over his own self. This usually invovles me standing in the doorway though. So basically, he wont put his clothes on until hes about to step out of the door, but I need to give him the signs of what I would like him to do and just let it go - I have everything ready to go at that point and just wait for him - so patience is a key! hehe

If we miss it ...we miss it! Everything is a phase so this too shall pass. I would just make sure that at the moment you dont promise or try to be anywhere for a specific time until you know you can get there/give yourself plenty of time etc. We have missed a few toddler groups this week because we were just too rushed and the stress of it wouldnt have made it worth it. My son is only 2 1/2... we have the rest of his life to enjoy days out together - so missing a few things isnt the end of the world.

There have been times my son has got into the car naked. Thats fine. I can then put his clothes on for him whilst he is in his car seat before he gets out of the car.

Nothing is every that much of an 'issue' though - because as I said, I never force him to do anything else...So when it comes time for him to do something he may not really want to do, but I am asking him and giving him a good reason why he should, then hes more willing to give it a go. You might want to think about that as well. I find that when I was more demanding and 'controlling' over my son, we had more 'struggles' with simple everyday things like this - becuase it was his way of trying to have some kind of control over his life. When I finally gave him his own control over his life, we seem to be living much more peacfully


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## f&p'smama (Sep 3, 2006)

Thanks so much for your thoughtful & very helpful replies. You've given me a lot to think about.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I would gently tell her the choice is hers, if she chooses not to get dressed then she can go naked. She will probably want to get dressed by the time you are in the car.

I have found the "if you don't do xyz (usually try to potty), then we can't go to the xyz activity" thing doesn't work for me.

For those who are in the go naked camp, I have a question. When she's in this state of refusing to get dressed, it's not like she would up and get into the car naked. It would involve me physically forcing her into the car. It's not something I care to do. Would your DC just then agree to walk to the car naked?

My two love love love being naked. They basically spent all last summer naked. I worry that if I did this, they'd be perfectly happy to go wherever we're going naked and I'd have delayed the struggle until we're out in public. Just this week, I was helping Phoebe with something at the park and then looked over and saw Fiona sitting naked from the waist down in the sand because she'd peed on herself. So they're not modest yet.


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## f&p'smama (Sep 3, 2006)

Sorry I don't know how to quote more than once per post

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mere* 
We avoid the getting dressed drama completely by dressing ds1 in clean clothes the night before. Then, when he wakes up the next morning, he's already ready to go!

We have done this for 2 years now, and seriously, it has saved my sanity.

Otherwise, I'd probably do the put-the-naked-kid-in-the-car thing (but I'd tell her it was a choice - she could go naked or go clothed - and act like you didn't care either way).

I'm looking forward to when all of what they eat ends up in their mouths instead of their clothes to try this, too. They have yogurt every morning & still manage to get it everywhere.


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## lucyem (Apr 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *f&p'smama* 
Thanks so much for your thoughtful & very helpful replies. You've given me a lot to think about.

For those who are in the go naked camp, I have a question. When she's in this state of refusing to get dressed, it's not like she would up and get into the car naked. It would involve me physically forcing her into the car. It's not something I care to do. Would your DC just then agree to walk to the car naked?

My two love love love being naked. They basically spent all last summer naked. I worry that if I did this, they'd be perfectly happy to go wherever we're going naked and I'd have delayed the struggle until we're out in public. Just this week, I was helping Phoebe with something at the park and then looked over and saw Fiona sitting naked from the waist down in the sand because she'd peed on herself. So they're not modest yet.

In my case it was January. Also since there was snow on the ground he had to be carried. I did not have to force him into the car because he was cold and happy to get right in. Once dressed he climbed into his seat. I agree, if it were summer my son would have been thrilled to be naked


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Is there a reason you can't sweep into the child's room and playfully help her dress, first thing? I wouldn't make an issue of it at all. I woud saunter in, babe in arms, & start chatting happily about the day, and pulling a shirt over her head and socks onto her feet. "Hey babe! Good morning! Today is our playdate....here hold up your arm....I am thinking about pancakes for breakfast....oh, look your baby sibling thingks you are so awesome..drooling means you are queen of the world....give me your foot. " etc


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## ~ZooBabies~ (Jan 20, 2008)

I have this issue w/my 3 y/o DD as well, ugh.

Thanks for posting this!!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *f&p'smama* 
For those who are in the go naked camp, I have a question. When she's in this state of refusing to get dressed, it's not like she would up and get into the car naked. It would involve me physically forcing her into the car. It's not something I care to do. Would your DC just then agree to walk to the car naked?

Well, the "go naked" option in our house is the one that I do AFTER playfully trying to get her dressed has failed. We often let her sleep in her clothes, and I'm OK if she wears the same clothes 2-3 days in a row.

The 1-2 times I've done this, I've just picked her up and put her in the car. "I'm ready to go now, and we need to go or we'll be late." She's didn't fight that, I think she was too surprised. As I said before though, the key is for me to be really boringly calm about it all. If I'm worked up, then she just feeds off of that and then we do have the car battle.

These instances don't happen very often. I think they're just a period of dd testing/being cranky with other things that are going on. I think once she discovered that it wasn't very comfortable, she quit being so hard to get dressed.


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

I've been in this spot many times with different children. You just put their clothes in a bag and leave. It is time to go the car is leaving and just go. They will get it after a few times.

I have had one child in second grade take the bus in her pajamas and then get dressed in the school bathroom. She did this for awhile and no one really cared so she gave it up. She is fifteen now and first one up and ready everyday.

I have also had them leave in all kinds of strange attire and costumes. Without shoes too.

I just throw all I need in a bag and get going. If you know this is going to be a struggle don't even bother with getting the pj's off. Just take them that way and plan to dress them when you get where you're going.

We have also put clothes on kids after their nighttime bath and put them to bed that way. They think it is lots of fun. This is usually because we have to leave very early before dawn to be somewhere.

I would take a naked child like the pp says, just pick them up and put them in the car. I have never had to go this far though. I would start by getting the baby ready and in the car. I would have already gone through the house and turned off lights and anything interesting, done potty breaks and so on. The whole routine of leaving takes me several minutes. Everyone else would be in their carseats and if the dawdler wasn't along by that time then I would playfully pick them up and put them in their carseat. Just in case they might get cold I would offer a blanket. Then I would leave even if they were kicking the back of the seat and screaming. When we get where we are going I would hand them their bag of clothes and let them get dressed or help them. By that time the fight is usally out of them. It is really important to stay calm and matter of fact.


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Well I think with any of these suggestions, it may take repeated trying.
I know my kids wouldn't get in the car naked either. Or they might try it, but end up screaming in front of the house naked...so, yk...

Maybe giving choices would help? But i think with young kids its all trial and error. You may have to work on it for a while to see results. I still have days where none of the above mentioned would really work on my kids. We tend to stay home those days!


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## KurumiSophia (Nov 28, 2007)

Let me preface this by saying that I was a bit older than your DD when my dad did this but it did work to cut my tantrums dramatically. As a child, I was a champion tantrum thrower. If I needed to get dressed for school, tantrum. Do dishes, tantrum. Help Mom w/the cats, tantrum. You get the picture.

So instead of confronting me while I was in full tantrum mode, he quietly video taped me while I threw the tantrum. After things calmed down and became mellow again, he showed me the tape and helped me realize what I looked like while I was throwing fits and how hurtful to everyone it was.

Don't know if that would work for you but I thought I'd throw it out there.

(When it was all over and the tape was shown to me, Daddy was kind and erased it from all existence for which I am forever grateful.)


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