# Transition Trouble w/ 4 year old



## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

Ok, I need help. This may turn into a long vent.

Dd, just turned 4, suddenly has a lot of trouble with transitions. I want to find ways for us all to co-exist happily together, but I feel that sometimes she just needs to listen to me. I hate that. But I'm getting to that point now. Here is just one example of something that seems to happen at least once a day.

Yesterday she played with her cousin at my mom's house from 9;30 AM until 3:30 PM. I went to pick her up at 3, told her that we would be going soon, asked her if there was anything she wanted to do before leaving, helped her do it, and then I set the timer for 5 minutes, saying that when it beeped it was time to go. She didn't want to leave. There is nothing in the world more exciting than playing with her cousin at Grandma's (and it's not like she never sees her...they had 5 hours together the day before) and I couldn't think of anything that would distract her and make her want to go. My mom had been over-run by people in the house all day and really wanted some quiet time. Otherwise I may have stayed a little longer, but honestly, that would have just delayed everything. Dd could have stayed and played until 11:30 at night and she still would not be ready to go. On top of this I am toting a clingy and heavy 2 year old, so forcing dd to do anything is physically difficult and I really don't want to do it anyway. So I put ds in the car and went back in to get her. There was a great deal of screaming and crying...not enjoyable for any one.

I know I didn't handle this right. But I don't know what else to do. DH is of the mind that Yeah, finding a happy solution for all is wonderful in theory, but impossible in real life with a single-minded 4 year old and fussy toddler. So I need to show him that we really can be happy together without using time-outs and punitive discipline.

So, any ideas?


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

Okay, I'm relatively new to the whole Gentle Discipline thing... although I taught preschool for years so I've always used methods such as positive reinforcement and redirection, etc. Anyhow, my DD also has a very difficult time with transitions. Even if we are leaving the house to do something she loves-like meeting a friend at the park or going to ballet class (her favorite activity) she will sometimes pitch this 30 minute temper tantrum. Once we get there she's all smiles and so excited and happy but it's walking out the door that is a huge problem. Most of the time we do well with the timer and several warnings-we need to leave in 15 mins, then 10, then 5, etc. but there are times when it's very difficult.

All too often, I find myself in the position where I'm getting stressed out and angry about her behavior. I really try to count to 20 (or 300 if needed) and take some deep breaths so I don't become mean mommy and raise my voice. Sometimes I just have to calmly put her in the car and hope she calms down. I know this isn't exactly the answer you're looking for but sometimes children get upset-they're human. All you can do is let her scream and cry for a bit and when she's calmed down talk about her feelings. I try to let my DD know that I understand that she was upset b/c she still wanted to play dolls and I gently remind her that when we get home the dolls will still be there and we can play with them again. I let her tell me exactly how she feels and I try my best to validate her feelings.

Oh, and she does this every single time we leave the house, even if we're going over to Grandma's house (she loves to play over there, too).

I'll be checking back to see if anyone else has some better advice... all I can offer really is to try to stay calm and not yell (which, I must admit, I have been guilty of a time or two-not my best mommy moments). Good luck,

Beth


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Difficulty with transitioning is a hallmark of sensory problems. Do either of you have any reason to believe that your children may have sensory issues?


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## mamabain (Sep 19, 2002)

what worked with my four year old, now almost five. we had to make a list about how to leave places. we've had to change that list a few times to update it but now our current method is this:

i say, it's time to go. she says, 20 more minutes. i say, okay. then i give her 10 min warning, 5 minute warning with a reminder that next time i say it's time to go what do you say? "okay, mama". then i say it's time to go and we leave. i also have to tote an almost 2 year old (her sister) with me whenever we leave and we got tired of the screaming kicking, fighting biting fit whenever we would leave places. this is what works for us!


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## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads*
Difficulty with transitioning is a hallmark of sensory problems. Do either of you have any reason to believe that your children may have sensory issues?

Yes, I've known since Dd was born that she is very sensitive and takes awhile with changes. Dh, Ds, and I are all like this too, so we are well used to being gentle and giving ourselves a lot of time.


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## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamabain*
i say, it's time to go. she says, 20 more minutes. i say, okay. then i give her 10 min warning, 5 minute warning with a reminder that next time i say it's time to go what do you say? "okay, mama". then i say it's time to go and we leave. i also have to tote an almost 2 year old (her sister) with me whenever we leave and we got tired of the screaming kicking, fighting biting fit whenever we would leave places. this is what works for us!

This sounds great, except for the part where the kid walks happily out the door! I do all of this and the walking happily out the door just doesn't happen.

Also, I am very calm and patient and gentle with her the whole time. I do this in as loving a way as possible. I just think its expecting too much of her to be able to understand everyone else's needs...my Mom's, Ds's, mine. She just turned 4 and while she is very sensitive to others, she is still just plain old "me-centred".

Quote:

Okay, I'm relatively new to the whole Gentle Discipline thing... although I taught preschool for years so I've always used methods such as positive reinforcement and redirection, etc. Anyhow, my DD also has a very difficult time with transitions. Even if we are leaving the house to do something she loves-like meeting a friend at the park or going to ballet class (her favorite activity) she will sometimes pitch this 30 minute temper tantrum. Once we get there she's all smiles and so excited and happy but it's walking out the door that is a huge problem. Most of the time we do well with the timer and several warnings-we need to leave in 15 mins, then 10, then 5, etc. but there are times when it's very difficult.
this descibes dd to a T-- and thanks for your answer, Beth. My instincts were telling me that what I am doing is ok, as long as I continue to be loving to her. It's just a stage, she is super-emotional about everything right now.


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