# Did anyone see Nanny 911 last night?



## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

OK...I admit, I got sucked in, and watched a full hour of Nanny 911. Anyone else?
It made me so grateful for GD and AP. I felt horrible for those kids. I have to admit, I was pretty impressed with the "Nanny's" approach overall. A pleasant surprise..


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I did







: I loved watching the proper British nanny do a potty dance... that made the whole thing worth it







:

-Angela


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## Katiemare (Jun 19, 2004)

: me too.

I hate reward systems, with the marbles and all. and if you MUST reward, you absolutely never take the marbles away. It is so manipulative.

however, the potty dance was great and nanny's observations about the family were dead on.


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## Terpatude (Nov 19, 2004)

I watched it with my children and they were amazed at how the mom in the show acted..They said she was acting like a spoiled little kid..I too felt sorry for the children getting screeched and screamed at and my heart hurt when "mom" came in an criticised the decorating the girl had done ...It was just creepy when the mom had the kids at the audition .."Be the candy bar""?"" What is THAT all about??..And yes, the "potty dance"
was cool.....


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## dallaschildren (Jun 14, 2003)

Yes I watched it. Was it just me or did the mom sound just like her kids when they threw a temper tantrum and whined? Hmmmm, wonder where they got that from.







I cried when the nanny made the dad and son talk. He was so honest and pure with his little feelings.







I REALLY hope that after the cameras stop rolling, that things continue to get better. Unfortunately they probably revert back to the way they were. The 4 year old girl was PRECIOUS! I loved her little voice and huge smile. The potty dance was awesome. Positive reinforcement is essential.


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## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

I watch this show pretty often. I love it when the nanny's straighten the parents out. One of the couples was from St. Louis where I am at and the local news did an update on them. They said they have continued with what the nanny taught them and their relationships are much better. I hope all families continue like that. I especially loved it when the blond headed nanny a few weeks back yelled at a dad for spanking. She said "when you spank your child YOU are the one that has lost control"!


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Oh, I







this show. I thought I would hate it when it started, but when I actually watched it I fell in love. It's not really that great for AP parents, but I love the fact that it snaps mainstream parents into shape. I do feel for the kids on those shows though. I almost fell over laughing at that pee-pee dance. :LOL


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't see how it's not AP (with the exception of reward). The nannies offer positive reinforcement, stress touch and good communication and most times the parents end up spending more time with their kids than they did before. How is that not AP?


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

I only got to watch the first few minutes (where they show you the family, and then decide which nanny will help them), and then had to switch to the KU game (c'mon, it's KU!).

I'm DYING for a recap. Can someone, anyone, please, PLEASE give me one??? Or, know where I can find one on the Internet?

Thanks in advance!


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Nanny Deb got into the Mom's face and said "It's time for the gloves to come off," then reamed her for being a nag.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am a big fan of the show. Granted, reward and punishment are not the best choice. But from where these families are coming from, I believe it is necessary to regain sanity in the home.

Eventually they can wean into more gentle parenting.

I believe rewards/punishment is 100x's better than yelling, violence, stress, and violent kids.

I love the show...I always forget to watch it though! I've missed the last three weeks!

ARGGGG!!!


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## Summertime Mommy (Dec 5, 2003)

The mom last night was horrible! I couldn't believe she actually said, "when she goes in her pants, I let her sit in it for a while" (paraphrasing, but that was basically it) my jaw just dropped. I don't even leave my babies in soiled diapers, no way I would do it to a potty training kid, and then just sitting her on the potty and forcing her to poop. WTF was she thinking? I really liked the potty dance too. It's kind of messed up, but I really like this show because it makes me feel like a good mama.


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## Katiemare (Jun 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Summertime Mommy*
It's kind of messed up, but I really like this show because it makes me feel like a good mama.

right on!

as far as AP goes, the family bed is non-existent and there have been some episodes of insane CIO, or was that a different nanny show (?) where the kids were told that nanny gave their pacifiers to the babies and they had to sleep without them and no more sippy cups and the kids were on the edge of sanity by the end of the night.

also have not noted any babes/toddlers breastfed beyond infancy but as a PP noted, marbles in a jar is better than violence and yelling etc.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Suzannah*
I don't see how it's not AP (with the exception of reward). The nannies offer positive reinforcement, stress touch and good communication and most times the parents end up spending more time with their kids than they did before. How is that not AP?

I guess I don't mean it's not AP, I mean it's not really GD. The whole punishment and reward thing is what I'm talking about.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

The thing is the mom how slept with her five year old didn't sleep with him because she wanted to. She slept with him out of fear that he would freak out if she didn't. He was very manipulative and had his parents wrapped around his finger!

Also the bottle wasn't wanted by the little girt but she started crying about something else, then the mom gave it to her. It wasn't like they were denying the use of such items. They were being offered by the mom so she didn't have to face the problem at hand.

As far as CIO, these situations are so out of control. When children are used to mass chios. When they sense change, they respond by crying and having tantrums. In the episodes I have seen, the parent is with them while crying or tantruming. I would not consider this CIO.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

Does anybody know of a link that talks about why using "rewards" - like the marble jar - isn't a good thing. I mean, we want our kids to behave because it's right & good & realistic & honest and not because somebody gave them a marble. (Nobody's gonna give them a marble !) I'm trying to explain the "why" and I'm not doin' a very good job on my own... It's coersive... bribary... YKWIM?


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I totally agree. It is bribery. I do think it is useful sometimes though to establish a sense of order when things are really out of control.

I don't know if that makes sense or not...

Like Beth...I too would like a link...please!!!


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

The whole disagreement with using marbles is that those sort of rewards are external, and we want to develop kids who ware internally motivated to do the right thing. My DP had a reward chart when he was younger, and he still remembers feeling awful about himself and it.

That being said, I think that sometimes those types of rewards help because they remind the parent to notice good things...


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

I don't have a link but I can say why I don't like rewards.

To me, the things I ask my kids to do, are things I expect them to do. I don't want them to feel they can "get out of them" by just giving up the reward.

You HAVE to clean your room. You can't not clean it and just give up on the reward for cleaning it and have that be ok.

Now, in my family the only consequence to not doing what you are told is my disaproval (which is stated but not yelled or harsh).

Does this make any sense?


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

I know what you mean AngelBee, it's like they needed to do something to catch the kids attention, get them focused on something new to get them started...it was kind of nice for the kids for their "good" behaviors to get noticed for once in that house. I did think it sucked when the Mom wanted to take some away. I was so happy the way the Nanny slid in there, making mom look bad. (wow, I'm not usually so catty, I just was really irked by that mom)

I've never used the "reward" system, but never contemplated why I don't. I see the whole "bribery" aspect of it....why else is it a negative practice in your oppinions?


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Oops, I guess others were answering my question at the same time I was asking it


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## Autumnschild (Jul 20, 2004)

Before last night, the last one I watched was the one with the pacifiers. I was upset about the CIO thing...it wasn't the kids fault that their parents let them develop a reliance for so long on a security object. I think there could have been a kinder way to wean them from their pacifiers.

Last night I caught the show (dh was watching it) and for the first time saw the nanny using a better approach than usual. Not exactly AP but better than the usual approach. Sheesh, that mom was awful! The dad was ok, just a bit cowed.


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

I really liked this particular episode of the show!

I don't always agree with everything they do - like the kids who screamed in thier rooms alone all night - but this one seemed pretty on target to me. The potty dance the nanny did was awesome. I almost got choked up the first time she praised the little girl for trying to use the potty, because it seemed like she was so unused to that kind of reaction. That mom was just so negative and awful. I felt so bad for the six-year-old when Mom criticized her room decoration, did you see her face just fall?









I think the marble jar is an appropriate tool in this family, because this mom really needed some kind of concrete way of learning to notice her children being good. I think that the marble jar's effect on the kids' behavior was due less to the reward aspect than it was to the way it changed their mom's attitude.

Oh, and that acting thing was awful. Why on earth is she making her kids do that? They really don't seem to want to.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I have caught bits of two episodes, and both times I did not like the nanny's heavy-handed approach. Now, I've never seen the beginning of an episode...so I am gathering that these families are a mess








and anything the nanny does is immeasurably better....but I hated seeing a child cry and a parent wanting to go comfort the child, and the nanny saying "you can't do that". Hogwash. It never hurts to comforts a crying child.

I am also bothered by a nanny who decides when a child is old enough to be weaned from a paci (against the parent's desires) or from cosleeping (against the mama's desires).


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

One of the problems with the marbles is that it is an extrinsic reward. I was surprised I was able to quickly find with a link that seemed to do a good job of describing extrinsic and intrinsic rewards.

www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap4/chap4q.htm

I too, was really impressed with the show. However, I hope people don't get the idea that you can change your family in an hour or even a week. However, there are some changes that you make that can have a profound effect on your family.

When I was a new mother over 20 years ago, I was lucky to come across the book Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary and Mothering Magazine. They changed my life and shaped my mothering. Crary's current book out is Love & Limits. I don't have a copy in my office but I don't think she uses reward systems. If so, skip over those and try her other suggestions.

'First, then' is one way of getting young children to do what you want without having to bribe or give rewards. 'First take a bath, then we will read the book.' And always do what you said you would do (unless there is a fire or natural disaster).

I was concerned that TV was regarded as a privledge (reward). Well intentioned parents can get caught in the TV is good, reading is bad trap.
Watching TV together and talking about is valuable for children/families. Reading (except outload) is a solitary activity that can take time away from other family members and discourage socializing.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Last issue of Mothering had a big article about the negative aspects of rewards.

And Alfie Kohn has some good info on rewards. A book called Punished by Rewards and here's a link http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcags.htm to a nice article, The Case Against Gold Stars

Quote:

Rewards simply control through seduction rather than force, according to University of Rochester psychologists Edward Deci, Ph.D., and Richard Ryan, Ph.D., and all techniques that rely on control ultimately undermine what children need in order to make good decisions and take responsibility for their actions. At least two studies have shown, for example, that kids whose parents reward them frequently are less generous than their peers.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

I saw the episode last night. My 9yo practically had a heart attack laughing over the "BE the chocolate bar" line from the mom. He thought it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

I'm not down with the marble jar system but I still think it was 1000 times better than what was going on in their house before the nanny showed up. That mom was seriously pushy.

Lisa


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bippity*
Does anybody know of a link that talks about why using "rewards" - like the marble jar - isn't a good thing. I mean, we want our kids to behave because it's right & good & realistic & honest and not because somebody gave them a marble. (Nobody's gonna give them a marble !) I'm trying to explain the "why" and I'm not doin' a very good job on my own... It's coersive... bribary... YKWIM?

I do think though that the marble thing is a good way of bringing a childs behaviour into perpesctive for the child itself.I wouldn't do it on a continuous basis or as a reward system, but I think it's a good way of giving an easy to understand picture to a child of its own behaviour. Phew, do you know what I mean?

I did something similar like this with my daughter once, I'd make a mark on the fridge everytime she threw a tantrum...and I mean tantrum as in yelling for no reason, she was 6 then.She was shocked after 2 days to see it!


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
I have caught bits of two episodes, and both times I did not like the nanny's heavy-handed approach. Now, I've never seen the beginning of an episode...so I am gathering that these families are a mess







and anything the nanny does is immeasurably better....but I hated seeing a child cry and a parent wanting to go comfort the child, and the nanny saying "you can't do that". Hogwash. It never hurts to comforts a crying child.

I am also bothered by a nanny who decides when a child is old enough to be weaned from a paci (against the parent's desires) or from cosleeping (against the mama's desires).


Well, there is crying and tantrum throwing and if I had comforted my daughter every time she threw one I never would have been able to do anyting else during my day.I also think things have to have the proper perspective...why would I comfort a 2 year old who is lying at the child trap in the grocery store because she can't have a candy bar?Or a 5 year old who finds the fact that we are having beans for dinner instead of carrots worthwhile to start yelling,trampling,hopping...whatever








The world won't go down and I wouldn't want to give these things more importance than they are worth.


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## Linda KS (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
I am also bothered by a nanny who decides when a child is old enough to be weaned from a paci (against the parent's desires) or

How old was the child?

I've only seen one episode (the one in St. Louis) and I really liked it. When the nanny made the kids throw away all their broken toys and give away the ones they never played with I was thrilled (the family couldn't walk through their house because it was so full of crap).


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

I think the child with the paci was four, and both the kids had sippy cups full of JUICE at bedtime, four year old and a six year old. That becomes a health issue (rotting teeth and empty calories).

I think the nannies, generally, are harder on the parents than the kids, mostly because that's what's needed in most episodes. And, to be honest, even when I look at the parents/kids and say, "Phew!! Thank goodness that's not us!" I learn from the episodes. This past one, where the mom was so critical of the kid after she did her art project made me reflect on how I treat DD when she acts her age (go figure!!). I think I come out okay on that one, but it's a valuable reflection.


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## schatz (May 6, 2003)

This is one reality show I actually like but I am continually amazed that there are so many dysfunctional child-parent relationships. Some of these families are downright scary.

Generally, the families on the show do not have infants in them -- mostly toddlers and up. The kids with the pacifiers were way beyond typical pacifier age.


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## kchoffmann (Aug 16, 2004)

I've only seen two -- the pacifier one and the one with the broken toys. I could barely watch the pacifier one because of the kids' heartbreak over not getting their pacis at night. They CIO for like 6 or 8 hours. Something horrible like that. It was simply unbearable to watch.

But what I like about this show is how clear they make it that any "problems" these families have with their kids are entirely due to the parents' behavior. The parents are _really_ screwed up. That mother on the paci episode had so set her kids up, and it really was her fault that they had to go through the hell the nanny decided to put them through. She was so selfish in such a subtle, passive-aggressive way. And the mother on the broken toy episode had such an issue with control (and an anxiety disorder). Her kids were only not cleaning up to please their mom. Creepy.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

As parents, we are all a little screwed up. I ffel bad totally bashing on these parents. They volunteered to go on TV to make their family different. I commend them for that.


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## kchoffmann (Aug 16, 2004)

Sure, we are. But it's useful to see how much our subtle actions and behaviors will affect our children. And helpful to know we have to take responsibility. That's all I'm saying.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Since I no longer work weds nights I get to see this show and I love it. (I was looking for a post like this in the TV forum) I have seen the last 4 episodes. The first 2 upset me..the CIO ones. I thought the nannies were way to rough for the little ones but these last 2 I loved. The one with the anxiety mom actaully prompted me to give my 2 year old some responsibiltiy. Simple age appropriate stuff. I didn't want to be that mom doing EVERYTHING for my kids.
Is this show on more than once a week? someone referenced the blonde nanny about the spanking and I have yet to see an episode with the blonde nanny. I have seen two "On the next nanny" with her in it but they didn't air. I was actualy thinking maybe somehting ahppned and they wont show her clips.


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## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

I think the rewards were used because:

a) the children were really out of control
b) the mother needed to "see" a concrete way that her children were being positive
c) the nanny only had one week!

So in this case, for expediency, it worked. But they would have to use something other than marbles for the longterm.

Cheers,

Carolyn


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## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

ITA - I expected the show was going to suck & was fuly prepared to hate it - in fact, only watched because I wanted to bitch LOL. But, although I don't love all the tactics they use, they need to use the most effective things they can to make any difference in a week. More gentle, respectful methods are preferable, but you need to be coming from a place of having a good relationship with your kids to really make more gd stuff work - and hopefully, these families will realize that once things start to work around their homes.
I've got to say I didn't like it when they took those 2 kids binkies away tho, not sure what sho but a 2.5yo boy and a 4yo girl & they screamed all night







poor kids!!


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## myjulybabes (Jun 24, 2003)

I really like the show. I think it could definitely be more GD, but OTOH, these families are so out of control, just getting them to stop yelling and hitting is a major improvement.

The CIO was pretty harsh, too IMO. I think they could have made a more gradual process out of getting rid of the sippies and the pacis, and of the little guy sleeping in his own bed. Granted, if the mom was HAPPY sleeping with him, then nothing needed to change, but she didn't seem thrilled and the dh was definitely unhappy about it. So it needed to change, but not all in one night for crying out loud!

The latest episode, with the "stage mom" was, sadly, a wakeup call for me. Granted, I don't act like that every day, but when I'm tired and cranky, I admit, I fall into the nagging and talking AT the kids instead of TO them, and failing to see the good things they are doing. So it kind of whacked me on the head that I need to pay attention to the good stuff, and both talk and listen, even when I'm feeling bad.


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