# Bad Dr. Sears?



## mamatoady (Mar 16, 2004)

I have read a few posts now about people not really liking Dr.Sears and I guess I'm wondering why? I blindly believed I guess that anyone who was into attachment parenting was also into Dr. Sears. What am I missing?

Sarah


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

beats me? I love him!


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

I think from what I've gathered on some of the threads I've read is that many here do not care for his Discipline ideas.
I for one don't agree 100% with ANYONE. I happen to like Dr. Sears in general, but as with anything, I take what I can and leave the rest behind.
If his ideas work for you, go with it!


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Have you perhaps been reading things in regard to his Discipline Book? There are some things in there (e.g., punitive time-outs) that some people look at as questionable. In his Christian Parenting book he also says, "Don't spank, but if you do here's how." (can't remember if he talks about it in the DB...) I would prefer him to say, "Don't spank, and here's some tools so you don't need to," KWIM?

But all in all I think he's a wonderful AP advocate and think his books are groundlaying for AP.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I like him for his AP ideals but when someone pointed out the "don't spank but if you do, do it this way" thing, well...I've never really felt the same. I feel a bit betrayed that he would talk about bonding and connection and how important it is and then give advice on how to spank.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I appreciate the groundwork he has laid in promoting AP and getting it out into the mainstream.

But he is not my favorite author to read. I'm not thrilled with the "here is how to spank" stuff. But also, I find his writing style tedious and patronizing. I don't go for step by step stuff so much -- I'd rather read about ideas and general theories, and then build on them in terms of what is good for my family.

I also have some problems with the concept of mothering advice being dispensed by men. Even very sweet men. And even though I have been mostly a SAHM and make career sacrifices in my parenting choices, I find it insulting that he is sometimes somewhat denigrating towards mothers who make other choices.

Also, I think he is given credit for many ideas and concepts that were developed and written about "behind stage" by other thinkers. Its great that he presents it in a way that feeds the public. But he is not really all that original, kwim? There are plenty of mamas who mothered the way he teaches long before he was writing about it.


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

I love Dr. Sears. I'm ok with the don't spank but if you do because it goes on to say things like don't use wooden spoons, etc. I like to think that if someone was reading it and taking just what they wanted from him and ignoring the parts that don't apply-- if they were a spanker, they just might ignore the part about not spanking. This way, if they are spankers, maybe they will do less harm to their children. Anyway, its one page out of 200+ in a great book.


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

I appreciate the fact that Dr. Sears has been able to get the word out about AP - by appearing on national TV, publishing books which appeal to the masses, etc. BUT I don't appreciate his views on homosexuality, gender roles, discipline, and more.....

Too bad folks like Meredith Small or Kate Granju couldn't be the public spokespeople for AP as well or instead..... I guess they aren't as appealing, don't have the $$$, or something .....hmmmm.


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## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

I agree with jmoreno. I love dr sears. However, I don't follow anyone's advice 100%. I think you have to find your own path. I would never spank dd but I appreciate the way he talks about spanking for those who do spank their children so at least they are being a bit more humane about it. It would be nice if everyone was AP but that is not going to happen in this country. I think Dr. Sears' books are great intros into AP. I have a pregnant friend who is afraid of AP but I got her The Baby Book as a gentle intro.

I think if you searched hard enough you will find that MDC mamas are not in total agreement about any one idea. There is a multiplicity of ideas here. Some people love dr sears; some don't.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nycapmom*
BUT I don't appreciate his views on homosexuality, gender roles, discipline, and more.....

Yup, that's a large part of it for me, too. And, and I'm just being honest here, I don't like that he has put out "Christian" books. It just makes me think less of him. (We don't need to get into why, but it is part of why, although I like a lot of what he has to say, I wouldn't call myself a fan.)

And I don't like that he officially endorses things, like the Arms Reach Cosleeper. It smacks of commercialism.

There's also just a certain "vibe" that I get that kind of puts me off. That one I can't really explain.

And, of course, he's a man, and a doctor, telling women and mothers how to parent. Granted, _what_ he's saying is mostly good, but like someone else said, it's sad that we can't have a woman be the standard bearer of the AP movement.

But still, if a mainstream friend of mine asked for a baby book, I would probably give her The Baby Book - and also a few of my above mentioned reservations.


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## chefkath (Jan 24, 2003)

I'm OK with Dr Sears for many things, but I certainly don't agree with him on everything. I always recommend his books as a good intro into AP/GD - I like what he has to say about babywearing/cosleeping/EBF/etc - but add the caveat that he's far from the final authority on these topics. I appreciate that he's taken on the role of AP Ambassador to the mainstream, and I assume that it's because of this that he has to occasionally speak the language of mainstream parenting (ie the "if you have to spank do it this way.") And of course his endorsement of products and his columns in magazines like Parenting and BabyTalk are part of this too. That doesn't make any of it much more palatable to me, but I do understand that he's trying to spread the gospel of AP to the widest possible audience.

Like others, I specifically disagree with him when it comes to discipline. I don't believe in ever using rewards or punishments as motivators, and Dr Sears advocates both (including "time outs" which I specifically dislike.) I also disagree with some of what he has to say about handling tantrums. I could never ignore or walk away from a child who was in the throes of a tantrum, and Dr Sears prescribes this in certain cases.


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## kchoffmann (Aug 16, 2004)

In his updated Baby Book, he writes about how he *USED TO* be okay with spanking in extreme situations, but now he isn't. He uses the example of when your kid starts to run into the street, and notes that yelling "Stop" or "No" in a very frightened loud voice is way preferable to spanking.

I'm curious: does anyone have any direct quotes from him about homosexuality? I didn't know this about him, and I'll be really disappointed if his viewpoint is homophobic.


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## slinginhipmama (Feb 15, 2005)

I own just about all of Dr. Sears books except this "christian " one I've been hearing about. To comment on the "don't spank but if you do..."thread I read this and did not feel like he was promoting hitting at all, I felt he was educating parents on reasons NOT to spank i.e i remember him saying "don't spank when angry" well, I took this like, usually parents hit from emotion, if you take this away the parent most likely won't spank. Does anyone follow me? I'd really like to know about this homosexual thing! That would really P**s me off







, I don't think I'd read anything by him anymore!


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I love Dr. Sears .. but like everyone else, I take what we can use from his advise and toss the rest.









I was not thrilled with his "if you choose to spank" section in the discpline book BUT he did preface it by saying many times that spanking is NOT the way to do it and in no way does he endorse or think it's ok, but that he knows some people are still going to try it. He goes on to give examples of families who learned the hard way (withdrawn children, etc) that spanking just does not work. Then he goes on to explain how to spank "safely". Like I said, I'm not crazy about that, but he does make it clear spanking is not the best choice and is possibly harmful.









Overall, I'd say he's wonderful b/c he brings AP to the mainstream and that is very hard to do.


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## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

Brain, child published a great article called "Why I hate Dr. Sears" and it pretty much sums up how I feel. It's in their new anthology, I can't find it online but I used to have a link to it







Anyway, it basically says while the AP stuff is good, the condescention, patronizing tone and stereotypical portrayal of other cutures, etc. sucks.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

I actually like a lot of the stuff he has about older children, but if he has negative things to say about homosexuality, then I'd be happy to do without him.

Namaste!


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I think he needs to talk about spanking because when I grew up it was okay to spank with a wooden spoon or a belt or a switch. Many people out there still think this is okay, and if everyone else is doing it, and they have a mind-set to continue spanking, at least let them use their hand not a spoon. That's basically what Dr. Sears says. He does state very clearly that he does not believe in spanking though.


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## Too Busy (Apr 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

I actually like a lot of the stuff he has about older children, but if he has negative things to say about homosexuality, then I'd be happy to do without him.

Namaste!

























AMEN to that! I am so RELIEVED to hear someone felt that way, too!


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## sincitymama (Sep 20, 2003)

I like his Baby Book. It was the best I could find for a reference about different stages, etc.. for the first few years. I like to flip through sometimes and get a feel for what might be coming up with ds, and it's easy to check out info on rashes or whatever if I have a question.
That said.
I don't like the tone, I find it rather patronizing. Dh has the same issue with it. When we first got hte book, before ds was born, he started reading and told me he didn't like hte book because he felt insulted. Here's dh, reading that 'if your newborn cries, pick him up'. 'hold your baby.' And all we could think was, well, duh! Of course we're going to hold him a lot! Maybe a lot of people really do need to be told that stuff, I don't know, but in my family and all the people I know it's kind of taken for granted that you hold them. Baby carriers were never novel to us because it meant you were actuall yholding hte kid, they were just a great tool to make it easier to hold them as much as they need. So a lot of that stuff seemd like plain common sense, not some radical new thing. Maybe my family is just odd.








I'm glad Dr. Sears is out there, and so well known as an AP advocate. His work is very accesible and that's good, especially for people who maybe don't have much support for this kind of parenting. But I won't be seeking out his books specifically as ds grows. Especially because of hte christian angle. Not that there's anything wrong with that really, but it's definitely not for us.

ETA
wasn't there also some big to-do about him associating his name with a formula brand or somehting like htat? I know that turned a lot of people off of liking him so much.


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## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

The Discipline Book is written by Martha and William Sears. It's not a man going on about how to be a mom. It was written by a parenting couple.


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## MamaE (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama*
I love Dr. Sears .. but like everyone else, I take what we can use from his advise and toss the rest.








....
Overall, I'd say he's wonderful b/c he brings AP to the mainstream and that is very hard to do.

Ditto - he's where I first learned about AP and then I ran with it from there. I find most of his stuff on discipline to be too vague, so I've looked elsewhere for that, but I have to applaud him for bringing AP to the masses.


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## Ellie'sMom (Aug 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

I actually like a lot of the stuff he has about older children, but if he has negative things to say about homosexuality, then I'd be happy to do without him.

Namaste!

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto! Great post!


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## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

I like Dr. Sears too, because his Baby Book has made me really take parenting seriously (the way I wanted to take it) and in my view, made me a better mother. I think many people here are forgetting that his wife Martha co-wrote many things and is mentioned a lot in all of his books.

I own The Baby Book, The Pregnancy Book, The Family Nutrition Book, The Discipline Book and The Successful Child. So I should know a bit more about him by now.

I think he's compassionate and sticks to universal values for the most part, those of respect, kindness and truth. To me that matters a great deal. I believe in God so I definitely think highly of him writing Christian books as well.

As in regard to the spanking, I think there are many people, esp. Christians, out there, who spank. To try to change someone's mind you've got to meet them halfway. All his reasons not to spank are very clear. However, if you're going to do it anyway, here's how you do it. And to me the "how to" was almost impossible to follow, which I think would make many people think twice, three times before they spank or hopefully come to the conclusion that it's fruitless and counterproductive to do so.

Cheers,


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## indie (Jun 16, 2003)

I am a Christian although I'm more liberal than Sears. I think it is great that he has written a Christian book. We desparately need Christian AP writers to counteract people like Ezzo and Dobson.

I am bothered by him endorsing formula and I think he's getting a little too mainstream for my taste. But he also serves as a bridge for people who are gradually making their way from mainstream to AP.


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## kaydee (Aug 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

























During my PPD, The Baby Book was banished from our house. Turns out I didn't really miss it (the gender assumptions and ease with which he seemed to diagnose "detachment" were a bigger turnoff than I thought).

I never read anything from him about homosexuality. I'd be interested in seeing some quotations, as well....


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## Leetah987 (Jul 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
I don't like that he has put out "Christian" books.

I disagree! I love that he puts out Christian based books. I think it's great that he offers a direct alternative to the Ezzo brainwashing that says you must follow my parenting approach or you aren't going to raise good christian children. I've only been able to get through a couple chapters of The Discipline Book ( I think that's the one I'm thinking of) that actually takes digs at some popular Ezzo advice. It made me laugh. (BTW, I'm not christian, just for the record)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
And I don't like that he officially endorses things, like the Arms Reach Cosleeper. It smacks of commercialism.

I can understand your distaste to the commercialism. But he's not trying to sell AP to those that already practice AP, or use the family bed. That's like preaching to the choir. He's trying to convince mainstream crib users that co-sleeping is better, and since mainstream parents tend to like to buy gadgets and contraptions, here's one that promotes co-sleeping. You know that the parents that buy them will probably end up with a family bed anyway, but the commercialism that mainstream parents have come to expect and need opens the door to the AP world for them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
And, of course, he's a man, and a doctor, telling women and mothers how to parent.

As an inactive feminist, I totally understand this!!! But I think he's the perfect spokesperson to give AP a voice. He is a man, so other men (aka fathers) would respect his advice, and hopefully support the mothers intent to follow the AP method of parenting. He is a doctor, and to the majority of the sheep.... er... I mean, population, the doctor is all seeing, all knowing. So to have a doctor give advice on raising children is going to hold more water with a larger percent of the population than the most experienced mother in the world. Plus he has Martha, who is a nurse, lactation consultant and mother of many (didn't they have like 9 kids?) to add the wisdom of a woman to his writing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SarahNH*
Here's dh, reading that 'if your newborn cries, pick him up'. 'hold your baby.' And all we could think was, well, duh! Of course we're going to hold him a lot! Maybe a lot of people really do need to be told that stuff,

I think people really do need to be told that kind of stuff, just to contradict all the stupid advice that other people give you. I swear, I was told 4 times the first week DS was born to not hold him too much or it would spoil him. I loved the bit of wisdom that "crying is good for the lungs", and then there is the time honored "he's only crying to manipulate you" approach. Luckily I wasn't fooled, but many young, inexperienced parents are. People need some father figure to tell them what to do, and if Dr Sears doesn't do it, they might turn to someone like Ezzo.

In summarizing my little novel I wrote here, I love Dr Sears, but I don't follow, nor do I endorse all of his philosophies. But I appreciate his efforts to build a better society by teaching people to be better parents.


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

In agreement with the others that believe in a lot of his advice, he personally annoys me - I find he is often patronizing in tone and tends to minimize a woman's struggles at times.

Kitty


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice...

I like him a lot. Take what you need, leave what you don't. Unfortunately, some of the very best parenting info. out there is so far from mainstream that most people would never come across it or write it off if they did. I'm thankful that there is a natural birth, AP advocate that is well-regarded in mainstream America who can hopefully counteract some of the really scary parenting "advice" that's out there.


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candiland*
It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice....

I think plenty of dads can give great parenting advice (Leonard Cohen - author of Playful Parenting, for one) but they simply do not come equipped with the biologically driven instincts that women do.....when it comes to the infant stage, at least. Call me the anti-feminist if you wish, but there IS a difference and a big one, in my opinion (and in the opinion of my breasts :LOL )


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

Honestly, I posted earlier that I love him. I really do like their books a lot. As far as the baby book is concerned, it was truly wonderful to have the basics outlined. My background was not AP so to have someone affirm my instinct to pick up my crying baby....to sleep with my newborn, etc etc was really helpful to me.

There is no perfect book out there. Mama's and daddys need to dig down and find their own way with their unique child.

Besides when there is Crap like the pearls floating around out there, aren't most of you generally happy that there is a Christian that isn't advocating beating the devil out of your kids? For whatever you can object to, his core values are really good and I think packaged in a way that is attractive to people who may have never considered any ap values until their pregnancy or birth of their child.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:

It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice...
Guess I'm just sick and tired of male "experts" in general. Whether they are on target in their advice or not, they do not know what it is like to be a woman, to be a mother, and how to balance the sacrifices involved in both. IMO, men need to tread carefully when it comes to advising women, because a perceived status of dominance so often accompanies "expertise."

Quote:

I think plenty of dads can give great parenting advice (Leonard Cohen - author of Playful Parenting, for one) but they simply do not come equipped with the biologically driven instincts that women do.....
Well, I think its about experiences and culture -- not so much biology.But I think its interesting that you mention Leonard Cohen. Something prevents me from picking up that book Playful Parenting -- even though I'm sure it contains useful advice. It *bothers* me that a man is telling mothers to be more playful. Does he have *any idea* how difficult it is to be playful when you are completely brainfried???? And when every aspect of yourl life revolves around poop, pee, breastmilk, and dirty dishes????


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

Mamaduck, Playful Parenting was the first book that came to mind for whatever reason but it does have it's flaws. I think the concept of dads and moms playing on a child's term as "speaking their language" is fantastic and really works but I think he does imply often in the book that play is a cure-all and he does seem to assume that we can devote every waking moment to play. I have a young baby so when my older kid wants to play (which is every waking - and sleeping, moment) I can't always do it and don't want to feel guilty about it. Also, dads come home refreshed (mine does anyway) and ready to play while my brain really is fried from sleep deprivation, diaper washing, tandem nursing, meltdowns, etc.

Curious what you mean by experiences and culture not biology?

btw, I LOVE reading all of your GD posts - I have lurked for 2 yrs and have learned a lot from you


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Just found this thread this morning, and mamaduck,

















I love everything you said, and everyone else that said they are tired of men dispensing mothering advice to women.

Sears takes a lot for granted in his books; mainly that his audience is middle class and white.

The Discipline Book really upset me when my son was 2 and we were just starting to deal with the concept of discipline and what that means to me and my partner and our son. I remember feeling really ripped off. I hated the promises of good behaviour just because a child and MOTHER (it bugs me that all his books come down to the mother and her relationship with the child - he's a man; it seems convenient for him to put the weight of parenting on women) are attached. It didn't seem to respect age appropriate kid behaviour.

I know some posts have said that Martha co-writes, but her voice isn't as strong throughout and it isn't her who is asked to appear on TV, radio and in magazines. I went off of him when I saw him on TV here in Canada dispensing breastfeeding advice. How would he know? That really irked me. It really is his show, another thing that bugs me.

It is great that there is a mainstream AP advocate out there, but why does the message have to keep women responsible for it all?


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leetah987*
I disagree!

You can't disagree that I don't like it.







You can, of course, and do, have a different opinion about it, which you explain well.

Anyway, my point wasn't that he shouldn't be doing what he's doing, or that he is a bad AP standard bearer, just that _I_ don't _like_ him. _I'm_ not your standard mainstream needing to be lead by the hand person, so although I appreciate that he helps others make the transition, I'm sooooooo far beyond benefiting from his help. Also, I would agree that he's a pretty good spokesperson and standard bearer for the AP movement, but he's not perfect, and I can prove it: _not everyone likes him._ Not all APers like him, definitely not all mainstreamers like him, and y'know what? That's ok. We don't all have to. He, like any other tool (doctor, person, author, etc), has his uses, and his limitations.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sagira*
I believe in God so I definitely think highly of him writing Christian books as well.

Please be careful with this kind of statement. It implies 1) that a belief in God (plus being AP-minded) automatically leads to thinking it good that Dr. Sears writes Christian books and 2) that if one doesn't think it good he writes Christian books (and one is AP-minded), one does not believe in God. Both of those are false. If you did not mean to say those two things, please choose your words more carefully.


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## liawbh (Sep 29, 2004)

Hmm, I guess i like the Sears books because i don't expect them to be the answer to everything. _The Baby Book_ I liked for getting ready for baby, looking up illnesses, checking developmental milestones. _The Fussy Baby_ was very very helpful when ds was colicky, partly for ideas to try but mostly for the stories from other parents who had been there and survived, sanity intact.

For info. about not vaxing, or non-punitive discipline, those aren't the books I turn to, because that's not his expertise.
I don't think it makes sense to write him (or them, since Martha definately has a voice in some of the books) off completely because he isn't the perfect AP/NFLexpert.
OH, and about the things that may seem instinctual to some, I loved being able to quote those at people, especialy my ex-inlaws. HAving a DR. to quote was sooo helpful (my first ped. was NOT).


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

I hate him for all the reasons Arwyn mentioned too.


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## chickiepickie (Nov 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck*
It *bothers* me that a man is telling mothers to be more playful. Does he have *any idea* how difficult it is to be playful when you are completely brainfried???? And when every aspect of yourl life revolves around poop, pee, breastmilk, and dirty dishes????

Maybe he's talking to dads to be more playful?? The book is called Playful Parenting--not Playful Mothering...??







Just a thought...


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

.

Holy Malony!!!! I had no idea! I never read the Fathers book. I'll have to re-think any recomendations of his books to new parents. I always liked to head people toward Sears because he bridges the gap between mainstream and AP pretty well.

Wow..I guess it's my Dad's fault I'm gay....I always thought it was just me! :LOL


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

I hate him for all the reasons Arwyn mentioned too.

Yep, dispicable







: Thanks for finding the info and saving me from a search. I also recall seeing some awful stuff along those lines in his discipline book but it's been a while.

It's tough because many people who would not otherwise receive AP ideas openly would read Sears but I find it hard to recommend him to anyone in light of a lot of his opinions - parenting and otherwise.

Like with CIO, when I hear someone mention wanting to Ferberize, I am quick to mention THe No Cry Sleep Solution. I personally would NOT use the NCSS but it is leaps and bounds better than Ferber or the rest.


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Wow I had no idea about his position on homosexuality - that's very disturbing.







:


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## liawbh (Sep 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HelloKitty*
Wow I had no idea about his position on homosexuality - that's very disturbing.







:

I agree.


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

Dr. Sears has been so busy that it is unrealistic to think that he can be an expert on everything about babies and children. He has his practice, a large family, speaks at conventions, writes books, writes for magazines, has commercial interests, and the list goes on. It's too bad Sears didn't just stick with AP and baby issues. His attempts at being everything to all parents have diluted important messages. Spanking has been a good example.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I never identified with him but after reading some things here I'm glad I didn't buy any of his books.

The reason I didn't especially like his or Martha's books is because they seemed to suggest that their 'style' would work. Like it's a formula for a 'good' baby or something.


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## bunsmom (Feb 25, 2005)

I agree with many statements here, and I had no idea about his stance on homosexuality. I would love to see the exact quote...if true that is very sad.

We have a few of his books and I take what I need and leave the rest. I really love articles and books by Jan Hunt much better, and the Natural Family book by Mothering mag, muuuch better.

Even though he promotes AP, he is still a little mainstream for me. One of the things he wrote made me go, huh?
They would give their kids chicken bones to gnaw on, for teething, as a Veg. it really was disgusting, and seems just strange. He also comes off as patronizing to me for some reason.

Again, the whole " don't spank, but if your going to, do it this way" doesn't jive well with me at all. Just don't spank or hit at all. Period. None of this, don't do it but if ya do, do it my way. There are other ways to discipline your children.

What do I know, my babe is 6 months...hah.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bunsmom*
and the Natural Family book by Mothering mag, muuuch better.

:LOL I read that book while pregnant with dd1 and it absolutely stunned me! So radical to me at the time...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *bunsmom*
They would give their kids chicken bones to gnaw on, for teething, as a Veg. it really was disgusting, and seems just strange.

I can see how that would be very disturbing to a veg! I did it







: but not on his advice, on my mom's...


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

I learned a few things about Dr. Sears on this thread that I'm not thrilled about - his view on homosexuality, if true, is disturbing. I have also noticed his increasing commercialism and have been unhappy about that too. I agree that he doesn't give a full viewpoint about AP parenting and NFL. Vaccination comes to mind as a huge issue he does not address in any meaningful way.

Having said that, I think that a lot of people here are not appreciative enough of how much he has furthered the AP cause for many of us. I don't think I would have had the confidence to act on all my AP instincts if it wasn't for Dr. Sears, and I am from a traditional culture. My mother had me at home unassisted and breastfed me and carried me in her podaegi. But social norms are extremely compelling, and considering the culture I live in now, if I didn't inform myself (in large part by reading Dr. Sears' Baby Book), I probably wouldn't have fed on cue, and hold my baby as much, though I know I would have breastfed and co-slept.

Could I have read another author and benefitted more? Perhaps. But I think I had access to his literature due exactly to his prominent status and the popularity of his books. I think it's a good thing that he's a man and a doctor for the reasons people have already stated. That he's mainstream is also a part of his accessibility, though that certainly comes with its dark side.

A few other points: I consider myself a feminist, but I'm uncomfortable with people discounting someone's perspective based on gender. Some people have a problem with him because he's telling women what to do though he is a man and other people don't like his views because he is shifting the burden of caretaking by saying it's the relationship of the child with the mother that is important (and therefore not his ultimate responsibility). I find these two views contradictory. He's damned if he does and he's damned if he doesn't. I think he's allowed his viewpoint with warts and all, just as we all have our limited perspective. I think he's good about acknowledging his limitations as a man and father. He can't change his biology, but he can be aware of what the limitations set by his biology are.

I also want to support the christians on this board as much as possible. I am a praciticing Buddhist, but grew up Christian. I think religion has benefitted humanity a thousand fold compared to the harm it has caused. Religion certainly does not discount someone's viewpoint for me. I want to know what he says, and not be distracted by the labels people want to put on him.


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## Rainbow (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm not AP because of Dr sears. I was on AP boards and an active AP parent before I ever read one of his books. Before I ever heard of him. He coined the term, but he didn't invent it! It is easy to understand why someone could be AP without liking him- he simply named it and writes about it, he isn't the originator of this style of parenting. For many it is simply intuitive.

His books just don't motivate anything in me... they are bland. His discipline book was just so-so. I never reference it anymore.

Great, anyone out there promoting gentle attached parenting is doing a service to children. But I just don't feel any kind of personal appreciation to him. He hasn't touched my life through his publications.

Davis & Keyser on the otherhand... their book really resonates with me and I read it over and over again. I feel thankful for their book and it keeps me grounded. I would give it away a million times before I gave away a Dr Sears book.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rainbow*
Great, anyone out there promoting gentle attached parenting is doing a service to children. But I just don't feel any kind of personal appreciation to him. He hasn't touched my life through his publications.

Yes, that's how I feel exactly. Thank you for saying it with such eloquence, Rainbow.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rainbow*
Davis & Keyser on the otherhand... their book really resonates with me and I read it over and over again. I feel thankful for their book and it keeps me grounded. I would give it away a million times before I gave away a Dr Sears book.

Who, and which book?


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## NoraB (Dec 10, 2002)

Dr Sears was really my first intro to the concept of AP. The Discipline Book started me down the road to GD, extended bf'ing, cosleeping, etc. It's also helped my DH understand AP/GD.

There are some things that I'm disappointed about wrt his views. However, I've yet to find a GD/AP source that I agree w/ 100% anyway. I take what I need from each source and leave the rest for compost. LOL.

I also like that Sears puts out Christian parenting books. The Christian families I know IRL all tend to be VERY mainstream when it comes to discipline, possibly even more rigid than the usual mainstream. It seems like the more conservatively religious the family, the more likely the family is to use punishment (especially spanking). Seems like most of them consider it a Biblical duty to be harsh. It's great to hear a Christian voice promoting AP/GD.


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## Rainbow (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
Who, and which book?

"Becoming the parent you want to be" Jointly written by Davis & Keyser. It isn't an AP book and they don't worry about AP topics so much like slings and breastfeeding. It is a gentle discipline book that I absolutely love. I'm not a big "book" person, but the sollutions and insights in this book keep me balanced. It validates my feelings as a mother, annd my child's feelings as a child.


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## Vanessa (Feb 26, 2005)

I just wanted to add that I can credit my "discovery" of AP to Sears. I read the Baby Book when I had a week old baby that was desperately in need of something but I couldn't figure out what. Apparently when I was pg, I forgot to read enough books on parenting and instead read about labor and BF.









Anyways, his book gave me the confidence to say to my inlaws that I knew my ways were good, and that I was in fact not spoiling a newborn. At that point, I was already co-sleeping although I had planned on having ds in a bassinet next to my bed. DS wasn't buying it.) The book did make me feel a little bad because my ds never liked a sling EVER--none of the ones that I bought or borrowed. (I eventually got him to like the baby Bjorn.) My favorite thing about Sears is how he basically states that there are medical decisions (which are for drs. to advise on) and parental decisions that are for parents and even though peds comment on them, they are PARENTAL decisions. I guess if nothing else, that statement gave me a lot of confidence when dealing with peds.


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Could we have the exact quote about homosexuality? A paraphrase is an interpretation (English teacher here), and I am not familiar with that book.
Also, exact info on formula endorsment?

I am not bothered by his focus on mom's attachment to baby. I found it refreshingly honest. It was very hard for dh at first, as baby squirmed out of his arms to get to me, or when baby just wanted me to comfort him and no one else would do. Dr.Sear's AP book emphasis the connection between mom and baby and let my hubby know that it was ok, ds would attach to him later. That is just happening now at 18 months. (And dh is a loving, ap oriented daddy).

There are two different complaints going on here-- that a man can't understand the intense connection/experience of mothering and that Dr. Sears promotes gender stereotypes by puting all the emphasis on mom's connection to baby.

It made me feel confident in ignoring my anti-ap pediatricians advice during fist months. His books made me seek out a more ap doc.

What, exactly, bothers about someone becoming "too mainstream"? Is it that they are changing their ideas to go on Dr. Phil? or does it bother that Dr. Phil wants someone from my secret AP club to be on his show? I guess I didn;t like it when my favorite underground punk band was in Newsweek, either. But why?

I have some problem with every parenting book I read, but oh, well. I like parts of them all.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmoreno*
Could we have the exact quote about homosexuality? A paraphrase is an interpretation (English teacher here), and I am not familiar with that book.

I have this book, "Becoming a Father" more or less permanently checked out from our LLL b/c it's now defunct.







But anyways, I found the section...it is too long to write out, but yes, he is quite plain about his views. I would keep in mind this is copyright 1986 and his views may have changed in 20 years...

Under the heading "Some Thought on Homosexuality" (in the "Father as a Role Model" chapter) p. 207:

"Inadequate fathering seems to be more of a contributing factor to homosexuality than inadequate mothering." He goes on to say this is true for both gay men and women, saying some types of fathers increase the "risk" of homosexuality in boys who are predisposed to homesexuality b/c of "their temperaments, interests, and physical characteristics" (208).

His final paragraph (208): "I am personally concerned that our society tends to approve of lifestyles such as homosexuality. Society sees this as an "acceptable alternative." I can accept a person as a homosexual without having to approve of the morality of homosexuality. Keep the difference between acceptance and approval in mind when you consider the question of homosexuality as it applies to society in general and in relationship to your own family."


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *canadiyank*
"I can accept a person as a homosexual without having to approve of the morality of homosexuality. Keep the difference between acceptance and approval in mind when you consider the question of homosexuality as it applies to society in general and in relationship to your own family."


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## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
The Discipline Book is written by Martha and William Sears. It's not a man going on about how to be a mom. It was written by a parenting couple.

The Discipline Book is also cowritten by Martha. I think the newer version also adds his sons but I am not sure.


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

I love Dr Sears all around







I'm pretty conservative so I like his ideas


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## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *foreverinbluejeans*
Dr. Sears has been so busy that it is unrealistic to think that he can be an expert on everything about babies and children. He has his practice, a large family, speaks at conventions, writes books, writes for magazines, has commercial interests, and the list goes on. It's too bad Sears didn't just stick with AP and baby issues. His attempts at being everything to all parents have diluted important messages. Spanking has been a good example.

I think this is a very good point. I come from middle class white america and never heard of dr sears or ap before I had my dd. She was colicky and I did not like what the "What to expect books" said so I went to the library. I found dr sears baby book and never looked back. It introduced me to many ideas that felt right and sent me further into ap and gentle discpline than I ever imagined I would go pre-dd. I do not think any of the Sears' are the end-all, be-all of baby guidance counselors but instead use them among many ideas that help me raise dd the way I want to. Dh and I agree that we get ideas from many places but ultimately use our values, moral, ideas, etc to raise our child ourselves. Isn't that what we all do? So Dr. Sears is Christian and some of you are not? So he disses homosexuality and that offends some people? That does not meant that he does not have some good ideas. If you don't like him, don't read or buy his books. I don't appreciate his views on christianity and homosexuality but I can still find things in his books that I like.

But I do agree with some writers here that he is a great introduction to AP. Just as his books helped me see beyond that way I was raised, I am now giving his books to newly pregnant friends to help them see new ways of raising children.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Here are previous discussions about his financial ties to baby formula industry:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=Sears+formula

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=formula+Sears


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## bravofrenchie (Oct 15, 2004)

I think that Dr. Sears is a good introducer to the AP way of life. Things like no spanking no matter what, no vaccinations, ect. would totally turn off any mainstream person/parent. He has to make AP seem less "crunchy" because most people think that there are two ways to parent: "Normal", and "Tree-hugging-hippie-earth-mother-breastfeeding-until-age-10." He's making AP seem more "normal", hence "acceptable".


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

What a shame. I really can't support someone who is a bigot regardless of his bringing AP to the masses. I already had plenty of reasons not to like his books but reading that quote above really disgusts me. It makes me so angry and at the same time I am so, so sad that the AP message has to come from someone who has such twisted views. Maybe that's where religion comes into play with him? Even if it was written in the 80's when he was say, 50something yrs old, I doubt if he has changed his tune - maybe publically but not really, yk?

btw, he did not coin the phrase "attachment parenting" Kate Granju did, no?


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nycapmom*

btw, he did not coin the phrase "attachment parenting" Kate Granju did, no?


I saw him using the phrase in his books before Granju had been published.


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

I stand corrected, thank you Momtwice. Another topic, but I would love to understand more of the origin and meaning behind the phrase Attachment Parenting. I have never really liked the phrase and prefer not to use IRL especially with the anti-AP crowd who already think AP moms are causing unhealthy attachments in their children. I have always assumed it came from Radical Attachment Disorder. Or as a response to.....


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loving-my-babies*
I love Dr Sears all around







I'm pretty conservative so I like his ideas









Do you agree with his statements about homosexuality?


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I will always hold a special place in my heart for Dr. Sears. I was given a copy of the Baby book almost 7 years ago when DP & I were newly pg and I am so greatful for it. Our parenting style is so different than the one I was raised in or the one my children's cousins experience. I *hope* I would have found it on my own (and given that I knew enough to get a midwife rather than an OB there is a good chance I would have) but I can never *know.*

I have become much more "radical" than Sear's at this point, but I do give them credit where credit is due. For one, their children are grown professionals which means that they, themselves are very old. I do not treat their comments on basically *anything* as contemporaries but as members of my parents (or grandparents) generation (I don't know how old they actually are, but DPs parents are only 55 & his grandparents 77, 77 & 80... he & Martha *have* to be closer in age to them than me)--- and for *that* generation his ideas are revolutionary.

For example, I *love* the Bradley Method of Childbirth, but I would NEVER read the book by Bradley without considering the time in which it was written. VERY very very sexist.

Additionally, Sears, from what I observe is a fairly conservative Christian. He definately has different views on the parent/child relationship, and on many other religous matters than I. I also take that into account.

For a long time he was the only Dr. out there really bucking "conventional" wisdom and I have to give him a







for that.

I hope his view of homosexuality has changed







I'll see if DP remembers that in the edition he owned (I think we've sold it).


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Hmmm. I didn't realize he was so conservative. And the formula connection is becoming more disturbing to me. Can anyone give me a reference to his conservative attitudes? I thought he was liberal, but maybe I was assuming that because he is AP.

On another note, I'm uncomfortable with people talking about homosexuality in the same breath as morality. What is the connection? Like what is moral or immoral about hetersexuality or homosexuality?


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## slinginhipmama (Feb 15, 2005)

WOW!!! This thread has been a real eye opener for me!!! These quotes from the Fathering book are so very disturbing to me!!! I will think twice before I recommed one of his books and hope his ideas have changed in the last twenty years! The fact that he endorses formula is CRAZY!!!! I guess you can't trust only one Baby Book huh?


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## Leetah987 (Jul 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
You can't disagree that I don't like it.









I disagree with you disagreeing with my disagreement of your opinion!







:







:







:







:







: Sorry, I'm a little sleep deprived.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vanessa*
Apparently when I was pg, I forgot to read enough books on parenting and instead read about labor and BF.









Me too!!!!!! I was prepared for labor, but then I had this little person, and I had failed to research everything after the labor was over. At least not as much as I should/could have.







:

I don't agree with a lot of Dr. Sears opinions. Homosexuality, birthcontrol, vaccinations... etc. But I take that stuff with a grain of salt. We all have history, baggage, that colors our opinions of how things "should" be. He's an old upper class white christian. He's going to have opinions that reflect his baggage, but I'm not going to summarily dismiss all his advice, nor will I disregard the good that his advice has brought to society. I've never read or known anyone who I agree with 100%, I don't even agree with myself 100%.







:


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slinginhipmama*
The fact that he endorses formula is CRAZY!!!!

Why is this crazy? Some babies have to drink formula. It's a fact of life, whether it's the best thing for baby or not. Why can't a widely-known, publicly recognizable pediatrician weigh in on that? Or do bottle-feeding moms not have a right to have their needs endorsed, too?

Namaste!


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
I will always hold a special place in my heart for Dr. Sears.

I have become much more "radical" than Sear's at this point, but I do give them credit where credit is due. For one, their children are grown professionals which means that they, themselves are very old. I do not treat their comments on basically *anything* as contemporaries but as members of my parents (or grandparents) generation (I don't know how old they actually are, but DPs parents are only 55 & his grandparents 77, 77 & 80... he & Martha *have* to be closer in age to them than me)--- and for *that* generation his ideas are revolutionary.

I hope his view of homosexuality has changed







I'll see if DP remembers that in the edition he owned (I think we've sold it).

My feelings exactly. And I just thank god that I wasn't writing books when I was saying things like, "If they're old enough to ask for it, or lift up your shirt, then that's just disgusting!" :LOL


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck*
Guess I'm just sick and tired of male "experts" in general. Whether they are on target in their advice or not, they do not know what it is like to be a woman, to be a mother, and how to balance the sacrifices involved in both. IMO, men need to tread carefully when it comes to advising women, because a perceived status of dominance so often accompanies "expertise."

Well, I think its about experiences and culture -- not so much biology.But I think its interesting that you mention Leonard Cohen. Something prevents me from picking up that book Playful Parenting -- even though I'm sure it contains useful advice. It *bothers* me that a man is telling mothers to be more playful. Does he have *any idea* how difficult it is to be playful when you are completely brainfried???? And when every aspect of yourl life revolves around poop, pee, breastmilk, and dirty dishes????

I think you should give Playful Parenting a chance, mamaduck. As our resident GD guru, I would be very interested to hear what you think about it. I TOTALLY hear you about being sick and tired of male experts. But at the same time, if I want to challenge patriarchy and see men take an active, nurturing role in parenting, then I should be happy to see public models of men doing that. Dr Sears and Lawrence Cohen (Leonard Cohen is the brilliant, dark, singer/songwriter -- the idea of him "playfully parenting" is pretty hilarious :LOL ) are doing that. As others have pointed out, Sears puts too much on the mom for my tastes, and seems very locked into traditional gender roles. Cohen, on the other hand, is writing for moms and dads AND any other important adults in a kid's life, and he makes that clear. He also was a SAHD for a while. I haven't read the whole book yet, but I really like it so far, it is the least condescending parenting book I've read yet (tho I haven't read that many). And he does talk about gender roles and being conscious of helping boys to be more nurturing, sensitive, etc (stereotypically female stuff) and helping girls be more assertive, physical, etc (stereotypically male stuff).

Anyway, on Sears - -
As someone else said, he was a good starting point for me, but I take what I can use and leave the rest. Well, I still have the Baby Book on my shelf, it's a good reference for medical stuff and that kind of thing. But now that I have MDC, I know there are much better resources out there for all AP related things. If I had never foudn MDC, however, better I should have been reading Sears than listening to most people's advice.

That said, I also find him sexist (the homophobic comment saddens but does not surprise me) and condescending. We just need more people, more women especially, writing about this kind of stuff.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *guerrillamama*
if I want to challenge patriarchy and see men take an active, nurturing role in parenting, then I should be happy to see public models of men doing that.

I hear you guerillamama. But what I don't like about Sears is that I don't see him taking an active nurturing role in parenting. I see him writing about *how* people (especially mothers) should do that. And not writing about how the culture should support that. My impression is that his wife does/did most of the childcare. And he is the expert. And that is an old story.

Also on homosexuality, the ediiton I read said it was published in 2000, and I'm quite sure it used the word "aberrant." So it's not just like he was uninformed in the 80s and has changed a lot since then.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Wow, I am really, really shocked and unhappy to learn of his views on homosexuality. I will never be buying any of his books again. And I'm not the kind of person who goes around making big proclamations like that.


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## chiedza (Nov 8, 2002)

Here's a link to a product review for one of Sears' books where he talks about homosexuality: If you scroll down to bottom of page you see a bunch of quotes from the book in one of the reviews.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Thanks for the link, chiedza.

Quote:

"The growing child should see that important family matters require a mutual decision-making process that involves both mom and dad, but I believe that dad is primarily responsible for making decisions." (p. 194)

Quote:

"I am personally concerned that our society tends to approve of lifestyles [sic!] such as homosexuality. Society sees this as an 'acceptable alternative.' I can accept a person as a homosexual without having to approve of the morality of homosexuality." (p. 208)
uke uke uke uke uke

Okely dokely. There goes all my respect for Dr Sears. I will not be recommending this bigot to anyone else ever again.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiedza*
Here's a link to a product review for one of Sears' books where he talks about homosexuality: If you scroll down to bottom of page you see a bunch of quotes from the book in one of the reviews.

Thanks for the link. I followed it and thought the review was great. Here it is:

*Dated and demeaning assumptions, November 12, 2000
Reviewer: A reader
Dr. Sears is the acknowledged leader in the attachment parenting movement, with many well-received books to his name. Like his other titles, _Becoming a Father_ emphasizes early bonding, positive discipline, and respect for the child's physical and emotional needs. To the extent that all fathers need to hear this message, this is an excellent book. So why the low rating? Because despite his child-positive message, Dr. Sears is caught in a time warp when it comes to models of masculinity. Underlying his arguments for an active role for fathers are assumptions that this reader found frustratingly rigid and occasionally downright offensive. An example:
"The growing child should see that important family matters require a mutual decision-making process that involves both mom and dad, but I believe that dad is primarily responsible for making decisions." (p. 194)

Even more troubling is the author's attitude toward homosexuality, which seems to be informed more by conservative religious values than by current medical knowledge:

"'I don't want my son to grow up to be a pansy,' exclaimed John, a new father. His sentiments are shared by most men." (p. 200)

For those readers who aren't already aware of the meaning--or should I say "demeaning"?--of this slur, Dr. Sears goes on to define a "pansy" as "an effeminate boy." Given the author's 1950s-style ideas of masculinity, I'd hate to think how he would judge a boy who, after watching his father wearing a younger sibling in a sling, asked for a doll to play with. He concludes:

"I am personally concerned that our society tends to approve of lifestyles [sic!] such as homosexuality. Society sees this as an 'acceptable alternative.' I can accept a person as a homosexual without having to approve of the morality of homosexuality." (p. 208)

If this "love the sinner, hate the sin" attitude reflects your own beliefs, you will probably get a lot out of this book. But if you take a more egalitarian view of male-female relationships and don't believe--and most mainstream doctors do not--that weak paternal role models "cause" homosexuality, you may want to look elsewhere for advice on fathering. To be fair, there is much of value in this book, but the truly helpful ideas can be gleaned from Sears's array of other works (such as _The Baby Book_) or from other attachment parenting guides, like Katie Granju's _Attachment Parenting_.*


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Oh, yuck. I give up defending him.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Shocking. I had no idea that Dr. Sears was so backwards. I still thank him for introducing me to AP, but I also cannot continue to defend him. Thanks for opening my eyes.


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## attachedtofiona (Mar 5, 2005)

i used to be an avid dr. sears follower untill i found out he is anti-homebirth...this really turned me off to him...seeing that i had a homebith i was quite offended when i read that he feels it is almost irresponible







: ...whatever!


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## achintyasamma (Aug 4, 2004)

I thought the Baby Book was okay, but hated the Discipline book. I recently swapped my copy away after only reading half of it. I also remember from the Baby Book that his views on vax are pretty unenlightened. It said something like, a lot of people are concerned about vax, but that's all a hoax, you need to vax to protect your baby. I also hate that Dr. Sears wrote the foreward to Aviva Jill Romm's book Naturally Healthy Babies and Children. While not being 100% anti-vax, she's def. not in line with Sears on that issue, but he's writing the forward to her book on babies' health?


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *guerrillamama*
I think you should give Playful Parenting a chance, mamaduck.

I think I should to..... just having a hard time bringing myself to it! LOL. Its on my wishlist.


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

Now I remember something else that did not sit right about Playful Parenting (haven't read it in 1 or 2yrs). While reading the book I felt like I was being told that play was the answer to all 'issues' kids have and that we can solve everything through play. I also remember feeling guilty about not being able to play 24/7 with my kid. Even if he was a SAHD (never heard that) he does only have one child. I only have so many hands and so much brain space by the end of the day. It is worth reading though, despite its flaws.

:LOL Did I say Leonard Cohen? We are a family of writers/musicians so i'm not surprised I mixed up the names. Thank you guerillamama


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