# friend's baby was stillborn



## kezia (Nov 19, 2001)

I am absolutely heartsick. Being pregnant myself for the second time, I feel her loss even more intensely. I don't know all the details, but she was full term, and had a totally normal, uncomplicated pregnancy.

I sent flowers yesterday with a handwritten card offering my sympathy and support, and I'm taking food for her family tomorrow, but I'm not sure what else, if anything, I can or should do? She has said (through her family) that she doesn't want visitors right now, but I know I will see her eventually, and I have no idea what to say to her. I'm worried that even being around me and my big belly will be painful for her. I just can't even believe that this has happened. I can only imagine how her arms ache to hold her baby and take him to her breast.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Just tell her that you are so sorry for her loss. And just be available if she wants to talk about the baby or what happened. Most of us don't know what to say when someone dies, especially when it is a baby. So we often don't say anything after the first I'm sorry. If she starts talking about the baby just be there to listen. Don't change the subject. It will hard for her for a very very long time. By the time the anniversary of the loss date rolls around most people will have forgotten. A note that you remember her loss and possibly flowers would be appropritate.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I think what you are doing right now is very appropriate. When our daughter died minutes befre her birth, we did'nt want any visitors either. Our grief was so immense we just wanted some privacy for a while. Until she is ready to see you, feel free to drop a note in the mail once a week just to let her know she is in your thoughts and you will be there for her when *she feels ready*. Or if she has caller ID, give her a call now and then, she can choose to answer if she feels like talking and if not you can just leave a voicemail saying that you love her and she can call you when she feels up to it. Our friends left some very moving messages for us and this helped so much to know that they were there for us...

One thing that Mike's family did which was most inconsiderate was that they were pushy about how they thought we should grieve and pushy about seeing us before we were ready... that was not respectful of them at all. Mike's mom continues to feel sorry for herself and behaves as if it was a greater loss for her then for us... not sure what your friend's family dynamics are but for us, the family drama set off by our daughter's death was a disaster in itself.

In a couple weeks, it would be nice to maybe bring them another meal... a lot of the initial support evaporates a few weeks later, while their grief is still very intense because the shopck is just starting to wear off. I know we spent a fortune eating out because it was just too much effort to feed ourselves. A basket of fruit and veggies would be an excellent thing to bring as well.

Once you see her, I would let her bring up the baby. I know that the first few times I saw my friends I just wanted to enjoy their company... I was'nt ready to talk about my daughter yet. She will know it is safe for her to talk about with you if you keep in touch beforehand. Also, I do hate to say it but it might take her longer to be ready to see you... for months I would be so sad when I would see a pregnant woman, sometimes it would move me to tears. Please don't take it personally. She may also think that seeing her would make you anxious about your own pregnancy, again, staying in touch will help show her that this is not the case.

Perinatal Loss http://tearsoup.com/ has a wonderful children's book about grief called "Tear Soup", especially if they have other kids you might order a copy for her, I found comfort in reading it myself. Also, check out the Mothering issue with the article about miscarriage. The list of things not to say is applicable for a stillbirth as well. You may want to mention to her the Pregnancy Loss forum here, it was my lifeline in those first few months. It helped so much to 'talk' to other mothers who had stillborn babies... you feel so alone, but the sad thing is that it happens more often then you'd think.

Peace to your friend and her family... and to you, too. Sorry I wrote a novel.

XM


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## Noey (Mar 25, 2002)

I too have a friend who gave birth and her baby was stillborn. I am at a total loss as to what to do. I know she is surrounded by people who love her. I sent a message thru a friend that I was here if she wanted to talk. The mutual friend said she was not up for talking on the phone and that she was writing me a letter. Now here's the thing, I did not get a letter yet. This happened a month ago and I feel as if I should send her something but really don't know what to say. help?


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Noey, I think it would be okay for you to write her a little note, not asking about the letter she was writing you but letting her know that you are still thinking about her and that you are here for her when she is ready. Pick out a beautiful, unique card. She can open it when she feels ready, but in the meantime she knows you care but want to be respectful of her wishes. At one month the pain is still so intense, because the shock is beginning to wear off and the reality of the loss is sinking in. Also, her milk probably has'nt dried up yet and she may still leak when she thinks about the baby... which is hard in itself.

The one thing that no one should say is "I know how you feel". I would never even say it to another mama who had a stillbirth, because each loss is so very different. Tell your friends who have had a loss about the P&BL forum here, there's some great information there, things like how to dry up milk that most mamas hope they never have the answers to... but we do. Again, without those ladies I don't know what I would have done.

Also, I know you are in Seattle, so am I. If I can be of any help to you, or your friend wants to talk to someone else who had a stillbirth, PM me. I live downtown.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so sorry about your friends loss. You're doing all the right things. Comming here to ask questions shows how much you care.

Like XM my family fell to peices after my daughter was stillborn. It was by far the most painful experience I've EVER been through.

You've gotten a lot of great suggestions by the mothers here. The things that meant the most to be were the small 'thinking of you' cards. What really hurt were the 'cheer up' and 'you'll have another baby' cards.

You're pregnant belly will be painful for her. But please remember, it's not your fault. It's just the randomness of this. When your baby comes, you'll likely have some feelings of sadness for your friend again - please know that you DO deserve to be happy about you're baby.

When you do talk to her. Give her the opportunity to talk. Some of the things she may say could be quite graphic and difficult to hear. This is normal. Everyone greives differntly and in thier own way.

When talking about the baby, use his or her name. Don't just call it 'the baby'. This was a real person and sometimes after a stillbirth people don't want to accept that. It really hurts for a parent because they're emotions are so deep for this child.

Hugs to you and your friend as you heal together.

Gently,

Jacque


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. How very sad.

I would like to move this to grief and loss so it will get the attention it truely deserves.

Blessings...


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I don't have a lot to offer but I do want to mention that I think it is important (down the road) to remember th baby's name and use it. Also remember the birthday and acknowledge it. Some people think these things will only bring up more grief but it is not like that the parents are going to froget. It is nice when a beloved child is rembered as a child and not a sad event. Does that make sense.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

a present that really helped me was a basket of self care things, like bath salts, a scrubbing mit, delicious soap, a box of chammomile tea... it helped me remember to take care of myself in the midst of our grief.

and just letting her know that you care about her and will continue to care about her even if she cant talk to you right now.

Barbara


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

I have never lost a babe, but have worked with those who have...it seems to me that, after the initial outpouring of sentiment subsided, there were a couple very important points.

1) that you send a card -- once seems sufficient -- letting mom know how sorry you are for the death of her child, using the child's name. Tell her your feelings, be honest and brief, loving and gentle.

2) that you remember the child's birthday, especially those milestones...one year, eighteen, twenty-one...(Also, sending a card this Christmas I think would be nice). Send a card or flowers, saying simply, thinking of you and (baby's name here).

3) That you also just let mom be normal. Invite her to go to the movies, go to a museum, go to a special shop, whatever you used to do together. If she wants to talk about the baby, fine. If not, that is great, too.

4) Ask the family (or the funeral home) where you can send a memorial in honor of the child, then do it. Even if it is only $10. If you were close to this woman, and her family, and would have exchanged gifts at Christmas, adopt a child every year (you know, through charitable organizations-where you buy christmas gifts for a needy family) and give that child a merry christmas; you could even sign the card, in honor of the child your friend lost. you don't need to tell your friend you are doing this (unless you think she would want to know); it can be your own private memorial to the babe.

Be honest with her regarding your feelings for her and her babe. What a terrible, terrible thing to have to experience. How lucky to be surrounded by loving friends.

Edited to add: a co-worker lost her 18 year old son, and one thing that really means alot to her is when she goes to visit his grave, and someone has been there, leaving flowers, a keepsake, or a note. He died a couple of years ago, and it really makes her happy to know that others still remember him.


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## kezia (Nov 19, 2001)

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful insights. My heart goes out to each of you who has suffered loss in your own lives. I'm crying for my friend all over again as I read your posts. I will take all of your suggestions to heart. Thank you again.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

One of the things that meant the most to me, as silly as it seems, was that a friend pulled all the weeds in my flowerbeds that I had been unable to get to during the hot months of TX while I was pg. (And they knew I didn't use chemicals in my yard, so they hand pulled them instead of spraying). Also, that someone made dinner for us and left it waiting in the fridge after we got back from her burial (we had to fly out of town and were gone for a week). Friends making a point of saying "I love you". Seeing people cry at her funeral, knowing that they were touched by her life in some way.The cards that came several weeks later. That people still wanted to hear Samantha's birth story. The knowledge that when some asks "How are you?" I can be honest and cry instead of saying "Fine. How are you?". If she has pictures, ask to see them if the moment seems right, and talk about how pretty her baby was, just as you would have otherwise. It was the little, unexpected things that say I love you that meant, and continue to mean, the most to me. Be a good friend by listening and letting her steer the conversation and follow her lead.

We have been fortunate that to everyone around us, she was "real", so that we have not had the "you can have another and get on with your life" . They have treated my daughter as the unique irreplaceable, individual that she was.

Carrie


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am pming you..


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I am so touched by all the love expressed in this thread. The love of Kezia and Noey for their friends, and all the loving gestures received by the moms who lost their babies.

Something that I am appreciating is when other people ask about Kevin. I went back to my chiropractor's office today for the first time since Kevin died, and the receptionist was so kind. She asked how I was doing and let me know they had been praying for me and my family. My chiropractor also asked how I was doing. This was a situation where I wouldn't have brought it up out of the blue, and I really appreciated that they asked.

Now that it's been almost a month since Kevin died, the cards that are still arriving mean so much. I would urge anyone whose friend is going through this to not assume it's "too late" to send a card. I seem to be experiencing what the other moms have described--the shock is starting to wear off and the pain can be so intense. I am grateful for every single friend who listens as I talk about my baby, instead of thinking I should be getting "over" it. I am also noticing how much it hurts that certain people have not kept in touch. There are some relatives and friends who are close enough that I would have thought they would be checking in more.

And, Kezia, don't assume that seeing you will upset your friend. I've been surprised that some people/situations are very emotional for me, and others aren't. I can't figure out why, either. Your sensitivity to her is the important thing. Because you are being sensitive to her, you will be able to find out what she needs.

With much gratitude for the moms on this board,
Katherine


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## anarcat (Jun 28, 2002)

So much good advice here.

After Misha died, I was stressedout by pregnant ladies, but my friends' infants were a joy to me. i was, actually, more worried that the moms would be afraid i would be weird around their kid because of Misha's death. Once your friend is up for talking, just ask her how she feels about it.

And yes to all the stuff the other moms have suggested, especially the part about knowing and using the baby's name; and also don't worry about reminding her of her loss-- it's not something that is ever totally out of our minds.


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