# when your children are ready to have sex...



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

... how are you going to handle that.

this is something that sometimes comes up for me as i think about it.

my dd is not anywhere near there obviously but i wonder how do you support that? if you do.

plus what is more important to you. the age they start or what their experience is.

i recall earlier thinking yikes my 13 year old is NOT going to have sex. NOT at that YOUNG age.

and then i rethought that. for me what's important is that she enjoy the experience and it doesnt matter what the age is.

so i know about the emotional readiness and the precautions.

but what about the not talked about. what about where they do it.

i worry about that. how do you support that.

when my dd is sexually ready what does one do to make sure they have a safe place to do. to me it seems incomplete if you do all the safety talk and yet the rest does not happen.

in my defense i grew up in a very conservative society in asia.

so i might be asking something that might be common sense.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I told my kids to wait until they found someone they were crazy about and someone they trusted. It's also good to keep the gene pool in mind since no birth control is 100%. So don't flake out and screw someone we don't want in our gene pool.

My daughter 19, has not met the right person yet.

My son, 17, has been sleeping with his GF for almost a year now.

I do give reasonable privacy for teens that are making good choices and have picked a partner I find worthy of them. My dd brought home a loser one year and I just interrupted them off and on til it went nowhere. That's mean I know but the fellow had an alcoholic mom and a hoarder-y kind of home. Not good.

I would rather have them here in my own home. Door closed, radio on. Use clothes in the halls, please. And yes, they have their condoms. DD is on the pill and so is DS's GF.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I have no idea when my girls started to have sex but I like to believe that it was after they turned 18 and became adults. But I have no intention of asking them even now when they are 35, 33, and almost 29. But they knew to use birth control until they were ready to have and support children. Both of my girls who have children waited until they were in the mid twenty's to have their first child. And my son already knows now at age 15 to use condoms even if his partner says that she is using birth control. And that he is equally responsible for that child until the age of 18. He also know that we prefer him to wait until he is married to have children. But he should be in a committed long term (until death us do part long term) relationship before having children.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

My 16 year old has been with her bf since they were 14 and her and I always had a very close relationship and she knew she could come to me when she was ready to have sex. She was already on bc and last summer a year after they started dating she came to me and told me they did it for the first time. We had a long talk about it and I knew they were both ready to take that step in their relationship. I was happy that they waited as long as they did and that it was a mutual decision and something they knew was an important step.

In the beginning they would do it at our house when we were gone and eventually we would just allow them their privacy when he was over. And about 6 months ago we started allowing the weekend sleepovers. They still have a wonderful relationship and even though they do have sex regularly their relationship is based on much more than sex. My only worry is that someday they may breakup and one of them will be hurt but that is part of growing up. I don't have a problem with teen sex if both partners are in a loving and committed relationship, and I never wanted my kids to think that sex is bad or shameful.

I think all parents handle this differently but in our case I think it has worked out great and I don't have any regrets how we deal with this.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I don't allow "sleepovers" for kids under 18. You really don't know how the other parents are handling this unless you approach them so I think its simplest just to have that rule. I don't want my kids in a situation where their partner is lying to the other parents about their whereabouts or what they are doing.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I don't allow "sleepovers" for kids under 18. You really don't know how the other parents are handling this unless you approach them so I think its simplest just to have that rule. I don't want my kids in a situation where their partner is lying to the other parents about their whereabouts or what they are doing.


I agree with this about the other parents. In our case once they became sexually active we invited his parents over for coffee along with the kids and we all talked about our expectations and house rules. We would not have given the kids even a little bit of privacy at our house if his parents weren't in agreement. Fortunately his parents were pretty much on the same page as we were and occasionally the kids do stay together at his house. But I agree I wouldn't want to be allowing something in our house and having one of the partners having to lie to their parents about it.


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## Serafina33 (Jan 24, 2013)

My mom handled it very well by discussing it with me when I was 13 and brought it up again regularly for the several years it took before I was actually ready to take her up on it and get birth control. She and I just had a really open, trusting relationship anyways though, and I felt like I could come to her with anything, but she wanted to make it a particular point to be very open about sex as not something to feel was 'taboo' and to let me know explicitly she supported me doing what felt right in that department, as long as I waited until I felt really ready and was safe about it, not to jeopardize my future with an unplanned pregnancy.

I plan to handle it similarly with my kids. I would hope that they will be in committed relationships with whomever they begin their sexual exploration with, and that I would be on familiar terms with their parents, so we can all discuss ground rules together about what is to go on under my and their roofs.


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## Lillitu (Jan 19, 2009)

My son (who is NOT ready, he's 3!) is already being prepared for that day. I believe getting a child ready for adulthood is a lifelong process and getting him ready for sexuality and such means having him learn about bodies right now. He knows the names of all his external parts (the REAL names) and he also knows that he has "private parts" that are for him alone to enjoy and masturbation (a word he knows) is for when he's in private. We also talk to him about private parts not being touched by others (and have a book about keeping secrets/molestation that helps with this in an age appropriate way).

He also knows about babies. He has corrected his friends- "No, the baby is not in her tummy, it's in her UTERUS!" and how they are made already. It's a natural biological function, he was curious, so we told him. No stigma, no shame, no "dumbing it down".

As he gets older, he will learn the entire depth surrounding sexuality- all the flavors and types, relationships and what makes a good one, how to know when you are ready, as well as preventing reproduction and STIs.

A GREAT program for kids/teens is the OWL program (It stands for Our Whole Lives- it starts around 5th grade and has levels for 507, 8-10, 11-12, and adult). It is administered by the UCC (United Church of Christ) and UUs (Unitarian Universalists). If there is one of these churches near you- enroll your kid. It is SOOOO worth it (and I say this as a non-Christian and non-UU). They require parental permission and consent, so you will learn about the program before your kid goes. Check it out!


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

We've been thinking about this a good deal lately. DD 16 is in her first relationship and we see it has the potential to become very serious. Interestingly enough, we find ourselves not too worried about whether they choose to have sex or not. It's not like we are rooting for it, of course. But really, sex with someone she loves who is a quality person we've known forever just doesn't seem like the scariest thing she could do.

We've talked. We've been talking since she was little. Never take your 4-year-old to the zoo in Spring if you don't want to talk about sex lol. We answered questions as they came up. A few weeks ago we had a more serious talk about birth control and emotional impact (we'd talked before but more general or about her friends situations... this was more tailored for her and her own current situation.) She actually asked about my first experience and it was a really open and honest talk. She's not ready. She doesn't believe she'll be ready for quite awhile. Her boyfriend and her have talked about sex in general and he doesn't feel ready either. It bothers him that sex takes over the teen relationships he sees and he doesn't want that. They've both seen mutual friends making poor choices and end up miserable. They are both very responsible, very future minded, very "drama-free." Both are an interesting mix of old soul and innocence. Both are introverted... this holding hands in public is a really big deal and took about 3 months to get to lol. In all honesty, at this stage, a serious conversation about eastern philosophy is the most intimate and mind-blowing experience either could ever ask for.

My basic advice to her was not to rush to the end game. There are so many wonderful and romantic stages to go through and if you take your time and thoroughly enjoy each stage, sex will be far more meaningful and wonderful in the end. She seemed to really embrace this. I also told her I trusted her to know what was right for her body and to be smart about it.

I'm open-minded but I can't say I'll be letting her have boys stay in her room overnight. There is a whole life-time to experience that. She doesn't need it now. He'll be camping with us next month in his own tent... DD shares with us. I still want the door open when they hang out in her room (which they haven't as of yet.) They can't drive together until next year due to state law. I fully expect I'd feel differently if she came home with a creep but she's been asked out by a lot of boys who'd scare a mother to death and she's cut them off at the pass. She's always been smart about the people she's let close and never afraid to cut someone out cold-turkey if they showed poor character. I guess it all comes down to the fact that we really trust DD. She's given us every reason to. I was a trustworthy teen and I was smart about my choices. DH too. Neither of us rushed into sex. We both waited until we were adults despite have a serious relationship as teens. We both grew up with a lot of freedom. I guess I don't see giving my kids less when they consistently show they are trustworthy people.

I didn't talk about DS 12 because he's not there yet.... like DD, staying out of the tween "relationship" thing but we've had a lot of the same conversations with him.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Read this just this morning: "Dear Daughter, Hope You Have Awesome Sex"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ferrett-steinmetz/dear-daughter-i-hope-you-have-awesome-sex_b_3755185.html

I haven't read the rest of the thread, just had to post this before I forget.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

From the link I posted, this pretty much sums up what I strive for. though I don't always succeed:

Quote:


> ...consensual sex isn't something that men take from you; it's something you give. It doesn't lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn't degrade you to have some of your own.


*Whatnextmom,* I like most of your whole post! I like your approach. Your daughter sounds really level-headed.

I especially like this:

Quote:


> My basic advice to her was not to rush to the end game. There are so many wonderful and romantic stages to go through and if you take your time and thoroughly enjoy each stage, sex will be far more meaningful and wonderful in the end.


I totally wish I'd heeded this. I fumbled into sex. Didn't even have a boyfriend, had never kissed a boy, till I was 17. For years I'd dreamed the first boyfriend would be about holding hands and talking on the phone, going to dances and going on dates, giving each other little gifts. The first kiss. Publicly being a couple, Journeymom-and-Her-Boyfriend. But we had sex within a couple months of getting together. Sex is a whole different world from what I wanted. On the one hand I was intensely proud. Yay! Finally, I'm not such a childish nerd. On the other hand, sex, of course, changed everything and the sweet holding-hands stage evaporated forever. I was really sad about it for a long time.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> 
> what is more important to you. the age they start or what their experience is...?


I think it isn't an either/or. The age they first have intercourse affects how the experience will be. Everyone is different, so this is based upon how I imagine I would have felt if I first had sex at age 13, instead of age 17. Knowing me I can't imagine it would have been a good quality experience.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I'm sorry, I hope I'm not taking this thread too far off topic.

Quote:


> but what about the not talked about. what about where they do it.
> 
> i worry about that. how do you support that.
> 
> when my dd is sexually ready what does one do to make sure they *have a safe place to do.* to me it seems incomplete if you do all the safety talk and yet the rest does not happen.


When you say safe, what do you meant? Safe, how? In contrast, what is unsafe? (I hope my tone sounds sincere. I don't know how to phrase these questions so that it's entirely clear I'm not challenging you!)

I really don't think I need to support or worry about where my kid is having sex. It would feel weird, not very parental, to actively make it easier to have sex. Honestly, I kinda think they should have to sneak around just like dh and I had to.







Have sex in cars. Sneak in the parents' house when they're not there. But we were both 18 and in college by then. We breathed a huge sigh of relief when dh got an apartment.

Various thoughts in no particular order:

I have never shared with my children anything about my personal experiences. That would just be mutually uncomfortable. As well, I'd rather not know about my child's sex life. For one thing, dd is 18 y.o.; blessedly it's none of my business anymore. This is a parent/child relationship, so I don't think it's like girlfriends getting together with a bottle of wine and talking about their sex lives.

However, there have been several instances where I wanted to share a personal experience with dd, to demonstrate something we were talking about.

Perhaps I don't need to "worry" much about dd anymore. Her doctor prescribed her the Pill more than a year ago to help her deal with a miserable menstrual cycle. I was there and okay'd it. Birth control- it's a big worry off my shoulders. I'm pretty sure she didn't immediately go out and have sex with her boyfriend either. However, she's been with the same boyfriend for quite a while, and I wouldn't be surprised if by now they're sexually active. --But it's not my business anymore.--

Edited to add, I think I entirely succeeded in avoiding the conservative attitude I grew up with, in which my mother flipped out and was furious when she found out I'd had sex, and made me feel nothing but shame. Teenagers were not to have sex, it's a Big Fail if they do. What I want is to encourage a sex-positive attitude. Happily, I've managed that mostly.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> I have never shared with my children anything about my personal experiences. That would just be mutually uncomfortable. As well, I'd rather not know about my child's sex life. For one thing, dd is 18 y.o.; blessedly it's none of my business anymore. This is a parent/child relationship, so I don't think it's like girlfriends getting together with a bottle of wine and talking about their sex lives.


Haha, yes. I should say that when my DD asked about my first experience, it was in terms of how I came to the decision and if I regretted the choice. We didn't talk about the "sex." Sorry, I'm not mature enough for that discussion with my child lol.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *whatsnextmom*
> 
> Haha, yes. I should say that when my DD asked about my first experience, it was in terms of how I came to the decision and if I regretted the choice. We didn't talk about the "sex." Sorry, I'm not mature enough for that discussion with my child lol.


See, this is what i meant to get around to saying, but got distracted.







Even that would be too much info for me to share. Not that I'd be embarrassed so much as I wonder if there is any...vague, nebulous unconsidered consequences of discussing that. However, that's exactly the kind of thing I want to share with my dd, because I think it could be helpful. Obviously I'm conflicted.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> See, this is what i meant to get around to saying, but got distracted.
> 
> ...


You know, I can't say I'd have planned to share that info and the response did stumble on the way out. When faced with a direct question like that though, I'm not sure there was any other way to answer but with the truth. I'm not sure, as a parent, you can say "I'm here, you can talk to me" without answering the questions a kid builds up the courage to ask (and I'll add that DD is intensely private... just the fact that she was open to talking about this at all was a big deal.) I think the consequences to our relationship would have been quite high if I'd not answered.


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## HelpNeeded (Jul 18, 2013)

My kids are 18 and 21, so they can do what they want. I don't think that either of them have had sex yet, but if they do, they know to be safe, which is all I care about.


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## amber3902 (Dec 2, 2011)

Quote:


> Honestly, I kinda think they should have to sneak around just like dh and I had to.


Ha, I feel the same way. Don't misunderstand me, I've talked to my D15 many times about sex, and told her whenever she is ready to let me know so I can get her condoms and on BC if need be.

But at the same time, I don't think I should make it easy for her to have sex either, by letting a boyfriend spend the night or anything like that. Just the way I feel about it, though.

I'm glad to see so many are taking a realistic approach to their teens having sex. I think the parents that bury their heads in the sand and don't talk to their kids about BC are the ones who become grandparents a whole lot sooner than they expected.


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## Serafina33 (Jan 24, 2013)

I think the information involved with answering that question (how did you come to the decision to have sex the first time and did you regret it) is very PG-13 and appropriate to share with a child, as a parent, without getting into the TMI zone. At least MY answers to those questions wouldn't have any sex-gory-details in them, I'd just explain that I waited a long time (all through high school) through more than one long term relationship without taking that last step of "going all the way" and those experiences went just dandy and I could live with them without any conflicted feelings, so..... when I was nearly 18 and about to graduate and go off to college I realized that I no longer had any issues, emotionally, with that final step I let the boyfriend I was in a long term (6 months, which is long at that age) and loving relationship with know and birth control was addressed and indeed, as expected, it wasn't such a big deal when we gave up our virginities to each other. Nice, and special, but not such a massive deal and didn't feel like it changed the dynamic of our relationship. We still held hands and behaved sweetly to one another and my shy, sweet boyfriend didn't suddenly turn into an entitled prick trying to get laid every opportunity from that point on.

Maybe that's the point I'd explain to my daughter (who is currently in utero), that it's good to not *just* feel 1000% ready and have slowly gone through each stage without rushing before actual intercourse (and the risks that brings), *but also* to be able to find a sweet, loving guy who you can trust not to change the entire focus of the relationship onto sex once that step has been taken.

Great article. Of course, we hope our daughters don't make huge mistakes in regards to becoming sexually active because the stakes are a bit higher than most teenage F-ups (with the exception perhaps surrounding auto-safety), but...... I liked the end about encouraging her daughter to go out and make mistakes: I'm not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter's safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That's what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.


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## Holleys8 (Aug 15, 2013)

This is such a wonderful thread and I am so glad to find it.

I find myself very uncomfortable with some of the decisions that I have made regarding my kids sexuality. Uncomfortable in the sense that I hope that I have

not make a big mistake.

I have always been very open with my kids, age appropriate and not too much info in regards to myself and it seems that most of my kids (the ones that are

old enough) have made good decisions in this area. One has not and now I find myself unsure how to handle her lack of sexual respect.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

DH and I made the decision to give them privacy here at home and then to eventually stay overnight because we did not want them thinking that sex is something they needed to sneak around to do. The rules we have for them are the same we have for us...don't advertise it, don't make noise, and be respectful to the other kids in the house. I knew so many kids growing up that had to sneak around to have sex and to me that was more disrespectful than being open and honest about it, and kids doing that are more apt to be careless when it comes to protection. I think it also helped that my daughter has her bedroom and bathroom in the basement.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> I'm sorry, I hope I'm not taking this thread too far off topic.
> 
> ...










ok in my defense, i come from a different planet. i did not grow up here. all my knowledge comes from hollywood movies and thus i worry.







but reading from you all it seems like i dont really need to worry. i dont mind cars and parents homes.


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

My daughters are 15 and 17, and they're so much "younger" than I was at their ages. I had a really dysfunctional home life, and went to a rough, gang-ridden school, so drugs and sex and "bad" friends were just a part of the picture. My girls are more focused on academics, music, sports, and reading, and they're best friends with each other, so they don't feel like they need to get out of the house with other people as much and they're not as socially out there. DD1, in fact, has to be forcibly ejected sometimes, because her idea of a great weekend is knitting, reading manga, watching Korean dramas, looking at what George Takei has posted on fb, and practicing her cello. DD2 is more social, but though she's had some big crushes, she hasn't had a boyfriend yet.

I'm grateful for their relative innocence, because I am really uncomfortable talking with them about sex. I know that sets me apart here, and I envy the ease with which you all can discuss what needs to be discussed. I was never sexually abused, but the way my mother pressed the subject on me as a child has had lifelong repercussions. She started by showing me sexually explicit pictures from "The Joy of Sex" around age 4, and continued with the "education," by periodically bringing that book out and by describing sex in detail. She walked around naked frequently, and commented on my body very casually and often, and as soon as I was about ten years old she became very suspicious of every interaction I had with the opposite sex. If I took a shower after being out with friends, it had to be to wash off the smell of the sex I'd been having. If I wore too much makeup or we got into an argument I was a "dirty little whore." If my stomach hurt or I complained of nausea, I must be pregnant- even before my periods began, and years before I became sexually active (I was 16 and he was my wonderful long term HS boyfriend).

Anyway, my poor mom really sucked at some aspects of parenting. She was horribly sexually abused for years as a small child and into adolescence, and while I know that what she did to me was wrong, I don't think she had the tools to do it right.

I'm admittedly very sexually repressed- prude even. And I find it cripplingly difficult to talk to my kids about this stuff. I have had the basic talks with them over the years, age appropriate stuff, so they're not getting all their info from sex ed and friends, but beyond the very very basic stuff, I don't know how to make myself relate to them about this. I am glad to read the responses and anecdotes in this thread, though.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Jenny, ouch. What a painful upbringing. It's obvious that you are doing the best you can, and your daughters are getting the healthy atmosphere they deserve.

This sounds so trite, but there are lots of books about teaching your child about sex that might be helpful to you. Joy of Sex not being one of them.









Someone upthread mentioned the Unitarian's sex ed course. Sounds intriguing!

Your DD1 sounds like me when I was that age. Love it!


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> Jenny, ouch. What a painful upbringing. It's obvious that you are doing the best you can, and your daughters are getting the healthy atmosphere they deserve.
> 
> ...


Thanks, journeymom 

It was good and bad, you know? My mom got it right more than she got it wrong. This is just one of those places she got it very wrong, IMO.

I'll look into some books- it's been in the back of my mind to open up some new conversations with them for a while, but I've been procrastinating. This thread is a helpful bump.

And yeah, DD1 is such a cute person. She's like a little old lady from another century, trapped in the body of a modern teenager


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## Holleys8 (Aug 15, 2013)

Sorry for the things that you encountered when growing up, I understand more than I wish I did.

There is nothing wrong with be uncomfortable talking to your kids about sex, we as a society can have issues accepting that our children are

sexual beings. They are over sexualized and at the same time, we forget that humans are born as sexual creatures. It can be so confusing

and hard....how do we balance it??

You can bring up really benign things around the topic....friends, etc. and let them know that because of the way you were raised, you are not

comfortable with the subject BUT that you are always there for them if they have questions and that you love them enough to talk to them

anyways.

It sounds like you raised to very well-adjusted kids....just remember that they will have questions and that they shouldnt worry about making

you uncomfortable, so maybe focus on them knowing that??

--on a side note Jenny. My mom was the same way (however she was sexually abusive too) it was like you were describing her for me. My

thoughts to you.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jennyanydots*
> 
> Thanks, journeymom
> 
> ...


The best book I found that worked for us is The First Nine Months. http://www.amazon.com/The-First-Nine-Months-Life/dp/0671459759 Not a sex education book but one on the developing baby from conception to birth and newborn. I started using it when I was pregnant with my 2nd as a way of explaining to my then 2.5 yo first what was happening to mommy and to introduce her gently to her new sibling. I used it again when the first 2 were 5 and 3 when I was pregnant with my 3rd and again when my oldest was pregnant with her 3rd when they were living with us and our son was 10. Since every sex act has the potential of resulting in pregnancy, I don't separate the 2. As my son says, the only 100% effective birth control is not having sex.


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## Backroads (May 4, 2013)

This is an awesome, thought-provoking thread.

My daughter is 5 months, so I don't expect her to have sex for quite awhile.

I do want to keep things age-appropriate even as I provide all wanted (and perhaps even unwanted) on sex. I see no reason to keep kids in the dark about sex.

My husband and I are conservative, however, in sex and do believe it should happen within the bounds of marriage. We are realistic enough to know we can't enforce that if our kids truly don't feel that way. But I see no reason why we can't present our values in that regard. I don't want to present it as you're-evil-if-you-do-it-outside-of-marriage, but rather share the deeper reasonings and insights we have for that. At the same time, I want them to be able to come to us if they see their lives going a different direction. Now that I have typed this all out, it seems quite the balancing act.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

One of the things thats common with a couple of my daughter's friends is that they go to each other's houses when the parents aren't home or they end up in a car behind our local walmart. To me that's a recipe for disaster and I think that the more kids have to sneak around the less safe they will be. To me the scary part is the lying and sneaking.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


> This sounds so trite, but there are lots of books about teaching your child about sex that might be helpful to you.


Jennyanydots, this was almost 4 weeks ago but I wanted to say almost immediately after I wrote it, how perfectly lame that sounds to me. Just go read some books!
















I love researching this kind of thing (search, "great sex ed books for kids whose moms a had a tough time of it")! I was going to come back 2 or 3 perfectly chosen, thoughtful, insightful book suggestions. Now I'm laughing at myself. I'm betting you're getting along just fine.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> Jennyanydots, this was almost 4 weeks ago but I wanted to say almost immediately after I wrote it, how perfectly lame that sounds to me. Just go read some books!
> 
> ...


Get a book is my default whenever I need information about anything. Asking someone else is never my first thought. And if the first book doesn't fit my need, I'll get another book and as many as it takes. Then combine ideas from each book to fit me, my child, and our family.


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

Journeymom, thanks









DD2 actually asked me the other day about contraceptives and about when I became sexually active. I had no problem talking about contraceptives, though if you boil my answer down to its most basic, the take home message is that all contraceptive methods are imperfect and if you're not ready to accept the potential consequences of birth control failure, you shouldn't be having sex.

The second part of her question I skirted around. I told her vaguely that I was older than she is (she's 15, I was 16) and that I had no guidance and really wasn't ready.

Then we talked about why she was curious. She is thinking about this stuff but doesn't have a love interest right now so it doesn't seem concrete and imminent. I hope she will continue to be open with me so she's not going through confusing things without guidance, and that I'll recognize the signs if things are changing with her.

I don't know if I really want or need to read more on talking to them about sex, after all. I have given them enough information to understand how their bodies work and how reproduction works, we've talked about abstinence and contraceptives, and they know that across the board, I will always accept and love them and ultimately support them, even when I disagree with their choices. I think if I tried to talk with them more about sex it would feel forced and uncomfortable because discussing such matters in detail- with anyone- is really hard for me, and I think I can accept that about myself without pushing too hard to change...


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## mgoldenberg (Sep 13, 2013)

I love this thread! It's fabulous to find parents who are prepared to wrestle with the issues of their children and sexuality. It's not at all an easy thing to do....sharing values that are sometimes different than the ones that we grew up with or where a partner's values are somewhat different than our own, or when a community's values are in conflict with our own.

As parents we are always needing to challenge our assumptions and the lessons we learned as kids. And where sex and sexuality is concerned, our earliest learnings were not always the most comprehensive or respectful of our right to know about our bodies.

My kids are young (9 and 6) but I hope that when they decide to become sexually active (which means kissing onward) they do so equipped with sound information and with the ability to communicate openly with their partners. My job (which started with naming their genitalia properly) is to teach them to understand and love their bodies (and the pleasure it can feel) and to understand the power that sex can hold and which must be weilded with the utmost care.

I started a blog for parents looking to confront and wrestle with these issues. Thought folks here might be interested. www.sexplainer.com


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## Nancy424 (Sep 5, 2013)

I am a very conservative person. At the age of 13? As a mother, I think 13 years old is still young. You can talk to her about sex. However, you need to tell her not to engage into that kind of activity yet.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

I think a lot of parents dread this. My dh and I have all girls, somehow girls are thought of as being more likely to get hurt by sexual relationships, but I don't beleive that. Yes, girls are the ones who can get pregnant, but in most cases that can be avoided.

I did make sure my girls knew (know) the parts of their bodies as small children, learned things organically as they got older. I'm not comfortable sharing MY sex life with my kids, it just isn't their business, but they know their father and I are in love and make love and I'm guessing that's a good role model behavior.

I did tell my girls about birth control options. I had a diaphragm when I was 17, used foam the first few times and it left me feeling nervous, so I finally got on the Pill and it was a relief. I wanted to go to college, and didn't want children too early. I know our oldest one chose The Pill at 16, but somehow she was amazed that I knew she was on The Pill. She told me the first time she had sex, she was in love, they used The Pill AND a condom and I just sat and nodded as she told me and hoped she wouldn't go into any detail, in fact I asked her not to. What was I going to say. The second girl was quite a bit older. She was a late bloomer, and I remember having to reprimand her older sister for teasing her at 18 because she was still a virgin. I made it clear to our older girl that when her younger sister had a physical relationship with an other person was her decision, not mine and not her sister's. I think she was around 19, but she plays her cards close to the chest and I don't try to pry things out of her. She's 25 now and has had the same boy friend since she was 18 and they've gone on vacation together, so it's same in assuming they've been having sex for years. I know I instilled the idea of using some form of birth control and making sure they were with someone they trusted and hopefully love.

Our youngest dd, I don't know. She's only 13 now and doesn't seem the least bit interested in boys. She does have Aspergers Syndrome and doesn't really seek out a great deal of social stimulation outside of school, so it could be a while.

I always have an updated version of Our Bodies Ourselves in the bathroom or on the dining room table, and my oldest really enjoyed reading it. My middle and youngest kids call it "Mom's hippy feminist sex book." *sigh* I'm trying.


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