# I hit them back (please no flames)



## cutekid (Aug 5, 2004)

Agg I hit my kids back.







My Ds is a hitter, my step daughter has a tendency to hit and so does my Step son. I get tired of asking nicely please don't hit, we don't hit in this house but I lost it today on my step son. I hit him back after the 10th time today he has reached his hand out and hit me.








I have in the past found my self blinded by anger from my son's hitting. Although I have coping mechanism for dealing with him now. IF he hits me now he goes directly to time out.
Someone tell me what to do with my step kids. They are 10 and 12 and the behavior is more than I can handle. I DO NOT like being hit.
So now I have to go apologize to my SDS.

Thanks for listening.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I've always been so afraid that I could do that as a reflex from martial arts training, since I've hit (grown up UAVs) people (back knuckle punch) who startled me when they _jokingly_ grabbed me by the neck from behind.









No advice, just









Can you try to keep space between you when you're both angry? I do try to do that, just in case.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Ack! They're 10 and 12 and hitting you?!? How tough! I've hit my preschoolers back out of anger before, I'd really have a hard time not losing it if a child that size hit me.

No advice, just hugs from me.


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## 2shy2post (Oct 11, 2005)

My DD is a hitter. I completely understand the urge to hit back. (not advocating, just understanding







). No one likes to be hit and you have every right to feel violated.

I have looked DD straight in the face and said very seriously, "If I don't like what you do, can I hit you?". That usually stops it for a bit. However, she's just a physical person and I am having a hard time "coping" with that. Of course, she's only 3.5 ~ so it's not exactly the same situation.

Just curious, does their mom have an issue with them hitting? Is it something they think they can get away with when with you/Dad? Perhaps this is one of those things that needs a serious-all-parents-on-board-discussion to come up with some solutions.

I guess my other thought (were you asking for thoughts or just wanting some comiserating???







) is that often times kids are physical when they dont' have the verbal tools to deal with a situation. I don't think this concepts stops just b/c they aren't a toddler. I wonder if you could work on the communication skills and expressing frustration...and, of course, you be willing to listen and empathize with whatever their issue is.

I find when I am short-tempered and not paying attention ~ DD drops talking and literally "strikes" out.









HTH

Don't beat yourself up. Perhaps the apology will send a stronger message to SDS...


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## MrsSurplus (Dec 30, 2005)

What were the circumstances around your stepson hitting you? (Never warranted - I just wondered what was going on in case I had an idea to help you.)


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

He's TEN?????

Your husband is O.K with this????? The fact that pre-teens are hitting you is a problem, and it needs more help than I can even begin to offer.

I can say, that if my step child hit me, my husband would be the first person to put a stop to it.


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## creektownmama (May 3, 2007)

I agree with pp...it's not okay for a 10 yo to hit you. I can't even imagine being hit by my 6 yo girl, let alone a big boy. Sounds kinda scary actually. No way, have a family meeting with you, their mom and dad and put an end to this. Hitting is not okay with me, no one is allowed to hit me...EVER! and hitting back isn't gonna solve it. I understand how frustrations can get out of hand, but these are really big kids....way to old to be hitting anyone.


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## fotomama (May 6, 2006)

Chin up mama. Sorry you have to go through this.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Family counciling? It is NOT ok for kids that age to hit you.


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## kikidee (Apr 15, 2007)

I agree w/ other posters who have recommended getting all parents together to discuss this.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I'm inclined to think that some counselling may be necessary. At this age they should be old enough to deal with their frustrations/anger without hitting. From your post it sounds like an ongoing habit (10x in one day) & not simply a one-time outburst.

I also strongly feel that as the stepparent you should not be the primary disciplinarian - what is your dh's role in this? Do they spend time at the other parents house? How is it treated there?


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

I'm sorry I don't have advice - just some commiseration. My 10 yo nephew is a screaming banshee hitter and my sister is at her wits end and has resorted to using corporal punishment. It makes me









I will be watching this thread for strategies to help her, too. We have tried to get them in counseling. Perhaps that's what your entire family, step-parents and all, need as well.

Or, as pp said, all parents come together on the issue.


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## lovingbeingmom (Jun 16, 2008)

It's a big difference between a tot and a near teen. Now I'm going to suggest something that worked for me. I was a step kid and I HATED most of my moms boyfriends (long story).

One day, the one she was to marry and the one I was to eventually call dad, gave me a cold shower. Fully clothed.

It did the trick.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Nm


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cutekid* 
I get tired of asking nicely please don't hit, we don't hit in this house but I lost it today on my step son.









That sounds really hard to deal with. I just wanted to respond to this part-- maybe you are being "too nice" when you are talking to them. Personally, I am very firm about limits when it comes to my own personal space, and if this were me, I certainly would not ask "please" don't hit! Not trying to be too critical, because I know this is probably a really tough situation, especially since 2 of the kids are your stepkids, but it sounds to me like you need to be extremely firm about this issue. By all means, apologize to your DSS for losing your temper (as you are trying to set an example) but also at the same time make it very very clear that you will no longer tolerate any abuse. I think it is extremely important to set these boundaries, not just for yourself, but also for your kids... you don't want them to grow up thinking that it's ok to hit their girlfriends, wives, etc. Kids under 4yrs old hitting is understandable; 10 year olds hitting (habitually) is not ok.








Maybe family counseling is what is needed here, as some pps have said.


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## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
He's TEN?????

Your husband is O.K with this????? The fact that pre-teens are hitting you is a problem, and it needs more help than I can even begin to offer.

I can say, that if my step child hit me, my husband would be the first person to put a stop to it.









:

I can't image a ten year old hitting me. And you say the 12 year old does it too







: There is a problem there. I suprise he had to hit you 10times before you took some action. That is definetly not OK. What does your husband say about this?


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## Montessorimom8 (Mar 6, 2006)

Get help from some family therapy and fast. I knew a girl whose teenage brother kept hitting his stepmother and finally broke her arm. It is going to get worse instead of better if you don't act NOW!


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

No judgment here. I am sorry you are going through this. I was expecting this to be about a younger kid, like a pre-schooler or younger. The step-kids need therapy/psychiatric evaluation. That is not normal for a 10-12 year old to hit ANYONE. By that age there is impulse control. I feel for you.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Therapy. Get therapy. Don't ask DH what he thinks. Just set the appt. and at least get the kids and you in. You need support and help and a game plan and the kids need to learn what they are doing is not OK.

This probably doesn't fit GD, but I would remove all privileges. You hit me once, there goes the video game for a week. Hit me again, there goes the movie you wanted to see. Hit me a third time, you spend 'time in' your room for the rest of the day.

I think you should be very concerned with their behavior and I would pull out all stops so you don't have to call the police when they're 15.

They may be children but they are abusing you and that is not okay!

V


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

As a stepmom with older boys, I can understand where you're coming from. Stepparenting is HARD! What does your dh think of this?

When we have discipline issues, I'll tell the boys to go to their room until I calm down. And then I take however long I need to calm myself, relax, and figure out what to do. Otherwise I'll yell and say things that are hurtful. Once I'm calm I decide what action I need to take - just talking, taking away privledges, an extra chore, or "you need to stay in your room (basement, family room, wherever I'm not) until your father comes home and we decide what to do".


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingbeingmom* 
It's a big difference between a tot and a near teen. Now I'm going to suggest something that worked for me. I was a step kid and I HATED most of my moms boyfriends (long story).

One day, the one she was to marry and the one I was to eventually call dad, gave me a cold shower. Fully clothed.

It did the trick.

What?!? Are you suggesting this!? Sounds very ungentle to me!


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## ~girlsmum~ (May 10, 2008)

I have a teen from a previous marriage and she is absolutely NOT allowed to hit, age 6 and up I suggest removal of favorite priviledges, and an investigation as to whether your step-child's mom is a natural hitter, where did this behaviour come from? If no answers can be found, I would suggest talking to your DH about some counselling for your step kids.

Hitting is simply NOT acceptable at those ages! And I can understand that you felt compelled to turn around after so many hits to respond the way you did. No judgement, you see that there is a problem and you're in the right place to get some good suggestions.

Best wishes!!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I'm really interested to know the circumstances as well, and what kinds of things are going on surrounding the attacks you are receiving. What is the overall mood, what's going on?

I think you've got some good suggestions as to counseling, plus serious consequences for physical violence in your home. I think a family meeting to discuss the expectations is good, and also to give the kids an opportunity to talk about their experience and possibly you can all work together and work out ideas and strategies/tactics that work for everybody to have a more peaceful home.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Here is another idea -- at your family meeting when things are calm, you can brainstorm with the kids to come up with ideas for alternatives to hitting when they are feeling extremely frustrated and would like to hit, and are agreeable to everyone.

So maybe together you can work out 3 or even more things that could work. They could have some phrase to use to signal they need you to listen to them because it's very important, they could leave the room and go in their room and scream or hit a pillow, they could go outside and shoot basketballs...... the important thing is for them to own the ideas and then for you and them to come up with situations that are OK to deal with their stress. And then since you all know what the alternatives are, you can help suggest those activities if you sense that things are getting tense. And everyone is working together.









HTH!


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i'm so sorry you are going through this. i know being a step-parent is difficult, but being a stepchild is just as hard....if not harder. my nephew is 12 and also has a very difficult time in his family situation and acts out inappropriately at times. as an outsider looking in, i do not blame my nephew at all; i feel very sorry for him. i do not know your circumstances obviously though - so i'm not sayinging your case is equal to my nephew's.

i agree, you NEVER need to tolerate being physically hit or verbally abused by your stepson.... so i understand your reaction after dealing with it several times that day. however, i do not think grounding him from everything or sticking him in a cold shower (some of the advice given) will do an ounce of good. it may eliminate the hitting for sure, but there is a bigger picture here - and that is the emotional wellness of each of you (which is suffering). i also think therapy is necessary & would be the most beneficial in finding a more healthy relationship for your family as a whole.

again, i'm so sorry you're going through this. i can only imagine how hard it is. hugs to you.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think you should talk to your DH about the hitting issue and the response that he will give them next time they hit. It is his job as their parent to do something about this. I had a lot of anger towards my step-dad when my mother remarried and I had a very hard time expressing that anger so it came out in violence. Once I got more used to the situation and used to having a parent that was always the fun one I was very receptive when they both sat me down and told me the hitting had to stop. That was the only time he ever made a parenting decision and that really worked for our family.

If you are making a lot of parenting decisions then try to back off of that and be fun for the most part with them while still insisting that they are non-violent in your household. Let their parents do the parenting part.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~girlsmum~* 
I have a teen from a previous marriage and she is absolutely NOT allowed to hit, *age 6 and up I suggest removal of favorite priviledges,* and an investigation as to whether your step-child's mom is a natural hitter, where did this behaviour come from? If no answers can be found, I would suggest talking to your DH about some counselling for your step kids.










:

I think you need to look at WHY the 10 and 12 yo are hitting, and it seems one of the answers to that would be because they can, there aren't consequences that they feel are severe enough to curtail their behavior. A time out is to simple for a ten year old. They are great for the little ones who really need that space and time to chill out for a few minutes, but once the kids get older they lose their effectiveness. I second removing priveleges. Find the one thing that rocks his world and then take it away when he hits. That will make a major impact on him and if he loses it enough times he will start rethinking his need to hit you.
I also second family counseling and I am wondering too, is there anything going on with the kids that could cause impulse control issues ( ie ADHD or autism) ? Definitely seek help for this and start implementing some effective consequences.


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