# Need advice about mother's day, re: a friend of ours...



## KyleAnn (May 24, 2004)

My dh and I are lost and looking for some advice, if anyone can help-
Our very good friends lost their baby at the end of October, when her heart stopped beating on the day she was to be born...we don't get a chance to see them much since they've moved quite far away, but when we did at Christmas they were eager to show us pictures of her, talk all about her, etc. They were so happy that we were genuinely interested and wanted to talk about their dd, since they felt that most people just wanted to give condolences. As Mother's Day is approaching, dh asked me if we could send her a Mother's Day card...we know that she would love it, but at the same time, we don't want to bring up any bad feelings either. It seems it is a very thin line line to walk....
Is it completely inappropriate? Would this make you uncomfortable? We're just looking for some honest answers, the last thing we would want to do is bring back more hurt, but dh really feels like this would be a positive thing.
Thanks for your help, mamas-I greatly appreciate any comments.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

I think that is a perfectly appropriate and very kind thing to do. My sister's firstborn daughter lived for thirty-two days, and in regards to situations like this (holidays, birthdays, etc) her advice is "when in doubt, acknowledge the child."

Maybe just a sweet card that says something like, "We're thinking of you and (daughter's name) on Mother's Day. Hugs, KyleAnn & dh"

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[CODE]<span style="color:#000000;"><span style="color:#0000BB;">we dont want to bring up any bad feelings either <br></span></span>
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My sister says that the sad/bad feelings are there anyway, so people shouldn't feel worried about bringing them up. Especially if it is a fairly recent loss.

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at Christmas they were eager to show us pictures of her, talk all about her, etc. They were so happy that we were genuinely interested and wanted to talk about their dd, since they felt that most people just wanted to give condolences.
I just wanted to add that my sis and bil loved to be able to talk about their daughter and feel like "real parents" (their words) instead of just receiving condolences constantly.

I think you are a very kind and sensitive friend.


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## PB's Mom (Nov 20, 2001)

I think a card is a great idea. I would love it if someone would acknowledge my loss instead of trying to pretend it didn't happen and wanting me to "move on." I don't have anyone I can talk to about my miscarriage. I've tried a couple of times with friends, but they just hug me and change the subject.
I think remembering and shedding a few tears every once in awhile is actually good for the healing process. A Mom will always have that child close to her in her heart, and to know that others are thinking of her and that child also is very comforting.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Wow, you guys are awesome friends. I would have been SO GRATEFUL if someone had acknowledged me on the Mother's Day after Kevin's stillbirth. He was stillborn at 38 weeks in November, and so I was at about the same point as your friends by Mother's Day. There is no possible way you could be "bringing up" anything. Trust me, it is there for them every moment of every day.

My husband and I took our other three kids and a picnic lunch to the cemetery, so I could be with all my children on Mother's Day. But no one else remembered me, and it would have meant so much. I am so impressed that your husband thought of this.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

My first mothers day after my loss a friend came over and brought me flowers and a beautiful card. I immediately started crying and hugging her - she did not make me cry, she helped me release my tears. I will forever be greatful to her for that gesture.

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I think a card is a great idea. I would love it if someone would acknowledge my loss instead of trying to pretend it didn't happen and wanting me to "move on."
I think most mom's who have a loss feel this way - than you for articulating it so well


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Wow, I am so impressed by your thoughtfullness! What wonderful friends you are. Yes, yes, yes, to a card. Let them know that you are thinking of them and their dd. I wonder what I'll do for mothers day this year. I have 3 beautiful boys, but lost my daughter about 1.5 months ago. I'd like to do something to acknowledge them all.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

You have an incredibly wise and sensitive dh. I agree with the others, especially on a day like Mother's Day, a card would just mean SO much. I would also suggest a little phone call to see how she's coping. Mother's day was so hard for me last year, my grandmother had passed the previous mother's day and in between I lost 3 babies, then got a negative on an HPT. I was so very lost and the only part of that day I really remember was speaking with a couple MDC mamas from this forum. So yeah, for sure send a card and follow up with a nice phone call.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

Acknowledging your friend on Mother's Day is a wonderful idea.







If she is anything like me, she will feel very special and appreciate you forever.


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## AinNJ (Aug 10, 2004)

the same thing happened to me that happened to your friend.









on the first mother's day after my dd's death, a friend of mine send me a mother's day card that read "i know this mother's day is hard for you" blah, blah, blah. i don't know where she found it, but you may want to keep your eyes open for such a thing. i remember a few years ago on a loss-board (not this one) someone was talking about an internet site that sold pregnancy loss greeting cards. i dont have the url saved, but you may want to try a yahoo or google search. anyway, my point is there are "alternative" (for lack of a better word) mother's day cards out there, that would be absolutely perfect in this situation.

not a card, but the women that i met online when i was pregnant (their babies were born a month before to a month after my dd), sent me a precious moments figurine of an angel on a cloud and on the cloud in gold writing it says "Tessa 11/17/2002".


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