# Christmas gifts that are continually not ideal, and general etiquette



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
A one off off the mark gift is one thing, but a continuous pattern is another - especially when you don't have a huge number of criteria. I have no idea what the OP's criteria are - but mine are just age appropriate, not loud, not a gun, and not inappropriately sized for our space.

Edited: My criteria are basically those posted above. Thanks to the poster!









I would love to gather other parents' perspectives about etiquette and your strategies for dealing with inlaws who have a continuous pattern of giving less than ideal gifts (edited to add that these were toys that were choking hazards, and age inappropriate, among other problems), year after year.

Here is more specifically what I am talking about. I think they must like to buy large plastic ride-on size trucks because we have gotten them in great quantity. I think at one time we had 7 of them. My inlaws did once check with us prior to buying this bells and whistles version that cost several hundred dollars. We said no thank you on that one.

We don't need, have the space for, and, yes, don't have the desire to own or keep that many large plastic trucks that are loud, battery operated, fairly passive, close ended play.







Seven and growing as a collection? Would anyone still seriously question why I would donate?

I have talked to them about the toys we buy and why, DH talked to them to explain what would be good ideas when they asked for a birthday one year.

That didn't seem to do the trick. We do not feel entitled to anything we just don't want the clutter (one) nor the toys that do not meet our values (two) for our child to play with and (three) don't want to be asked where the toys are when they are donated.

I have sent them a list for that birthday when they asked, with price ranges from $5 upwards, and with lots of choices so they could still pick and choose. I have also shown them pictures, and signed them up for catalogs with selection that would work well.

And still they don't listen.

In the past, we have praised any good selections (rare) that they bought from the list (also rare) but we wanted to try to reinforce things in a positive way.

For a couple of years now, we have accepted the toys that weren't appropriate without saying anything and then donated them. But, while it's worthy to donate to charity, that seems kind of like I'm wasting their money year after year, after a while anyway, and I would like my child to have some gifts that are kept some of the time.

But this year, we decided that the inappropriate and less than ideal (choking hazard, too many pieces, battery operated, too big) gifts could be "grandpa and grandma's house toys" that would remain at grandpa and grandma's house.

I was not present for the conversation, which I left up to DH since it is his parents, but apparently they were quite offended and basically said they wouldn't be buying toys anymore. No one told them the gifts were not good enough or anything like that, just that they would be better suited to be played with at the grandparents' house and that they wouldn't work for our house.

What would you all do? Has someone been in a similar situation? I've seen similar threads and am off to read them. Thanks!


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

What would I do?

Apologize. Let it go and try to find a way to rebuild the relationship. Put restoring the relationship above worrying about the gifts in the future.

Tjej


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## TulsiLeaf (Nov 23, 2009)

Gifts are given out of the kindness of someone's heart. You do not dictate what they should give unless they ask, it's pretty much really rude to do so. I would be mortaly offended if someone told me my gift wasn't good enough and I would refuse to buy for them again.

And to just donate them, that is even ruder. They spent their hard earned money on gifts and you are essentially throwing them away. When I know people do not buy like I do for my daughter, I ask for art supplies. Simple as that.

But if they do not comply, I shut my mouth and be grateful that they thought of my family emough to buy a gift.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

I agree with the PP and also think you are likely being too picky. Less than ideal won't hurt anyone. Are talking about weapons, here (real or toy?)


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## Jackies Ladybug (Jun 19, 2008)

this is hard. i have this issue with my MIL as well. my husband has deep rooted issues with it because she did it to him his whole life as well.
what i have come to terms with is that she just will NEVER understand that what she is doing is a waste of money. NEVER.
so, we just dont count on getting anything usable from her, appreciate what she does give us and donate it to a family in need.
i make sure not to mention big gifts i would like to give to my kids, so we avoid the substitute not quite right but too close to be able to explain why we replaced it with what we really wanted problem.
mostly i ask for her to buy clothes as they go through them quickly and are easy to explain away if they dissapear. but usually we get a few toys as well and just donate or they break in less than a week (sometimes with mommy's help







)

mostly, i would just lower your expectations, appologize, and realize they are not trying to insult you or take a stab at you, they are just oblivious to what the problem is and will NEVER get it. NEVER. EVER. so let it go. it makes life way easier. and think, they are making a wonderful donation every year to kids who otherwise have nothing. maybe not the gift you want most, but a pretty awesome gift.


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## Jackies Ladybug (Jun 19, 2008)

donating is not practically throwing away and i am really insulted that ANYONE would think so.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

I guess there's a difference between "less than ideal" and gifts that are dangerous, not age-appropriate or blatantly against your values. If it is just something you would not have selected, eh. What can you do? Let them play with it, when they get tired of it then donate it.

But if they are offensive in that they are dangerous for some reason or purposely insulting (I'm thinking a toy gun in a non-gun/vegetarian house) then maybe they stay at her house (like a huge motorized car you don't have space for) or they are donated (thinking a beading toy for a 2 yr old) or refused if they are truly dangerous (thinking a BB gun for a 5 yr old...why do I keep coming up with gun examples? LOL).

But if it is something age-appropriate you just don't like...then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Come here and complain but let it go.

And I think donating excess items is always a good idea. If you can't use something, pass it to someone who can.


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## TulsiLeaf (Nov 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackies Ladybug* 
donating is not practically throwing away and i am really insulted that ANYONE would think so.


Let me put it to you this way.

If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you. That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
Receiving gifts should be humbling and have a bit of gratefulness on the receivers part. Someone spent their money on you, show some respect. Just because they do not share your taste in toys, clothes or whatever, there is no reason to turn your nose up at them. Not everyone can afford or even knows about buying wooden toys that cost 60 bucks a pop! Waldorf isn't mainstream, neither is Montessori and many of the things that lots of us are into here. It just isn't. Toys with bells and whistles and lights and batteries are the NORM and most people scoff at a wooden barn.

Sometimes I wonder where people where raised. My mother raised to be gracious and accept a gift in the spirit that it was given in. I gave homemade gifts this year because I couldn't afford to buy anything really. Had anyone turned up their nose, I would have taken that gifts back and never given them something ever again.

And I am the type that thinks wish lists are darn right rude. Christmas/Holiday time is not a time to be like "I want this and I want this and I want this" The gift giving is secondary to the time spent with family. And when it comes to gift giving, I buy what I would love to buy for them because I adore them. I find it rude that someone gives me a list and then expects stuff off of there.


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## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

Gifts are freely given by the giver. That means that the recipient can't dictate what is given. But, the recipient is under no obligation to keep unwanted items, either, and the giver has no right to expect the recipient to keep gifts they can't use. I say graciously accept the inappropriate gifts, and then donate them!


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

Hmmm, since you and your DH were ok with your child(ren) playing with the toys at grandma and grandpa's house I gather they are not offensive or completely unacceptable. In this case I think you say thank you and teach your children to say thank you. Since playing with them is ok, they are just not to your taste you let the kids play with them. As a way of saying thank you I always send a picture of my son playing with the toy or wearing the clothes or mention some occason they did so in a card. DS is not yet three so he only sort of paricipates in writing the thank you cards. There is an old cliche, "Remember, it's the thought that counts" but in this case it's not just a cliche, it's also the etiquette. We are frequently asked for ideas of what to get DS and when asked always provide some ideas but they are just that, ideas and by no means an obligation.

Edited to add that eventually all toys that are outgrown or unused around here get donated. The same goes for clothes in good condition. Frequently they go to a friend or friend of friend who now has a child of the appropriate age.


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## Barefoot~Baker (Dec 25, 2008)

Today I gathered many toys that my kids either no longer play with, or never have played with in the first place. I usually hold onto things that the kids don't play with simply because I felt bad giving them away after they were given as gifts, but, you know what? I'm sick of my house being cluttered with toys just because of this sentiment. It's a waste of people's money either way, and I think it's ok to acknowledge that. Giving them away to someone who will actually USE them is not rude imo.

Unless someone asks me where this stuff has gone, I'm not going to call them up and say "hey, my kids didn't like what you gave them so I got rid of it". If I am specifically asked where such and such has gone, then I will say something to the tune of "they've outgrown that, or they just weren't interested, sorry!".


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tjej* 
What would I do?

*Apologize.* Let it go and try to find a way to rebuild the relationship. Put restoring the relationship above worrying about the gifts in the future.

Tjej

Yep.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Gifts are given out of the kindness of someone's heart. You do not dictate what they should give unless they ask, it's pretty much really rude to do so. I would be mortaly offended if someone told me my gift wasn't good enough and I would refuse to buy for them again.

.

This, too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I would love to gather other parents' perspectives about etiquette and your strategies for dealing with inlaws who continually buy less than ideal gifts, year after year.

I have talked to them, had DH talk to them to explain what would be good ideas, what types of toys, brands of toys, age ranges for toys would be appropriate and well played with.

That didn't seem to do the trick.

I have sent them lists, with price ranges from $5 upwards, and with lots of choices so they could still pick and choose. I have also shown them pictures, and signed them up for catalogs with selection that would work well.

And still they don't listen.

In the past, we have praised any good selections (rare) that they bought from the list (also rare) but we wanted to try to reinforce things in a positive way.

For a couple of years now, we have accepted the toys that weren't appropriate and then donated them. But that seems kind of like I'm wasting their money year after year after a while and I would like my child to have some gifts that are kept some of the time.

But this year, we decided that the inappropriate and less than ideal gifts could be "grandpa and grandma's house toys" that would remain at grandpa and grandma's house.

*I was not present for the conversation, which I left up to DH since it is his parents, but apparently they were quite offended and basically said they wouldn't be buying toys anymore.*

What would you all do? Has someone been in a similar situation? I've seen similar threads and am off to read them. Thanks!

You did all of this after they ASKED, right? Right? Because if I were them, I wouldn't be buying just toys anymore either...

And what would I do? I never would have done this in the first place, so in your shoes, I would beg forgiveness.


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## Dingletwitz (Nov 4, 2009)

Yeah, same situation here, although it's not the grandparents, thankfully. I let dd make some decisions about the junky things. Ultimately, by the end of January, we have the junky books, junky toys, would-never-put-that-on-my-kid clothes, would-never-put-that-on-my-body potions, etc. out of the house and donated. Somebody out there wants it, and we like giving. But we don't really tell people that we're doing it, although most people know we tend to live pretty simply.


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## hillymum (May 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 

And I am the type that thinks wish lists are darn right rude. *Christmas/Holiday time is not a time to be like "I want this and I want this and I want this" The gift giving is secondary to the time spent with family.* And when it comes to gift giving, I buy what I would love to buy for them because I adore them. I find it rude that someone gives me a list and then expects stuff off of there.


I wish this were the case with my husbands family, but it's not. Christmas is all about giving a huge quantity of gifts. Many totally unsuitable.
This year I had to sit down with my children and remind them to say thankyou happily no matter what the gift was, as they should be thanking the person for thinking of them, not for what they are being given. I had to tell them to hide their disappointment and that we would exchange the gifts at a later date. It broke my heart seeing them open gift after gift knowing few would be enjoyed.
Some people give many gifts because they are addicted to buying, not because they love someone or think highly of them.


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

I agree, unless the toys are dangerous, or really age inappropriate or directly opposed to your values, just say thanks. It is too bad they are wasting their money, and I would feel frustrated about that too, but that's life.

As far as donating - I tend to donate after we have kept them a while, unless I am sure they won't be appreciated. But, given the amounts some people purchase, there really isn't any other option in many cases I think. But - I would never mention it.

I do think it is ok to discuss with family that you have space issues, etc, and so can't accommodate certain things. I would want to know that if I were buying gifts. But if they don't listen, then you can't do much.


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Let me put it to you this way.
If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you. That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.

And if you bought me a gift that isn't something I'd ever wear or use, you'd rather it sit around in my house gathering dust than find a home with someone who might use it?

I have an odd body to fit, and a relatively simple taste in clothing. I'm not going to wear something that doesn't fit right, and I'm not going to wear something that completely offends my personal style. When I end up with clothing that I'm never going to wear, I first offer it around to my sibs and if none of them want it/fit it, it gets donated. A few times I have kept things out of a sense of guilt (a very expensive but far too large black wool coat comes to mind) and all that happens is that it falls out of style without ever being used--while it fits my youngest sister now, she told me that it spoke of the mid-1990s and that she'd never wear it either. Now that was sad waste of money, since I know that the person who purchased it spent several hundred dollars on it.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

at first we used to give the inlaws a list from the kids because they specifically asked us too, but soon realized that they would get what they wanted, so we've stopped giving a list.

i think that almost every christmas the kids have donated some of their gifts the inlaws have given them, not because they are ungrateful and unappreciative, but because there is no point for us to hang onto something we don't like and collect clutter.

it's not about turning up our nose at the gifts either, but just being honest and realistic about what we've been given and whether or not we will actually use it. is it better for the gift to be donated to someone who will genuinely appreciate the item, or for it to sit in a box outside in my shed where it will be eventually taken to the dump?

when i give gifts, i give them freely and i certainly don't expect the person on the receiving end to keep something they would never use. i'd be happier knowing they donated my gift so that someone else could enjoy it instead.

anyway, as for the OP, i would just let it go, accept whatever gift they have given your kids, and if you don't want it, i would donate it. that's what we do


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## notneb (Aug 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tjej* 
What would I do?

Apologize. Let it go and try to find a way to rebuild the relationship. Put restoring the relationship above worrying about the gifts in the future.

Tjej











Unless the toys are dangerous, I just can't understand how a person's feelings about "less than ideal" gifts could ever be more important than a relationship with family members.


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## Pepper44 (May 16, 2006)

We tell everyone to always buy art and craft supplies of any kind because we have no space for more toys in our house and DD loves to do art everyday. Then year round I post pictures of DD's art on our family photo album that everyone looks at. It's working out so well since DD actually really loves drawing, painting, etc. and I can store it all in several rubbermaid type tubs.

Sometimes you have family members who will buy what they want regardless. We just say thank you and take it home. If it's not being played with we pass it on to someone else or donate it. It's not our fault if someone wants to buy what *they* want instead of things we will actually use and enjoy! .

I don't think it's being ungrateful to share a gift with someone who will actually enjoy it. Homeless families at the Salvation Army shelter, for example, really appreciate clothes that don't fit us quite right or one of the four matching games DD has, or some of the 30 million Little People from her collection.

For the baby shower with my DD I let everyone know that we didn't need disposable diapers or formula because we planned on breastfeeding and cloth diapering, and of course I got enough sposies and bottle feeding items to cover triplets. I donated all of those things to a women's shelter and felt pretty good about it!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Let me put it to you this way.

If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you. That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.

I completely disagree.

I think either 1. It's okay to do wish lists/requests OR 2. It's okay to donate gifts that don't suit. You can't have it both ways or we'd all have homes full of stuff that we hate. We're a #2 family.

When I give a gift, it's GIVEN. That person can do whatever s/he likes with it.

I do agree that with kids, it's complicated because _I_ might want to donate the gift and my kid might want to keep it. At that point we consider is it safe/morally ok, and if yes, then we discuss space.

Mostly I agree that being overly picky about gifts is not a good thing and that the relationship should come first. But there may be a broader context here. It might work out for the best if they don't give gifts for a couple of years and you find another way to celebrate.


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

1st be grateful that your children have Grandparents to buy them gifts, my children do not, as they all passed away very young.

Second there is nothing wong with not liking a gift and giving it to someone that will. There is no need to announce it to the giver.

For example, my Grandmother sent Dh and and I a flavored coffee set thing, and a hickory farms set thing. We are LDS and dont drink coffee, and are vegan. She does know these things LOL! I called and thanked her for her thoughtfullness and that we loved that she thought of us. I NEVER mentioned we wouldnt use them. And then we took them over to the firestation down the street for them to enjoy. It was a win, win, win situation.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I have standards I aim for with the toys I provide to my children. I do not apply these standards to gifts they are given, however. I think that personal relationships and politeness are more important. My exceptions are: choking hazards (when the kids are of an age where that's an issue), guns (that's my own thing...everyone's entitled to one, I figure), and things that just physically don't fit in our house (simple physics). Other than that, a gift or five a year that don't fit my own philosophical standards isn't going to dramatically change my child's view of the world. I'm not a fan of Barbie, but dd loves the one her cousin just gave her and he was thrilled with her reaction. Those emotions are going to cement and strengthen their relationship and every time she plays with that doll, she talks about how her cousin picked it out just for her. (Plus, she has our permission to take it apart if she wants to see how it works.)









Honestly? In your situation, I would apologize and move forward. We all have ideals for our children, but it helps to be flexible, as well. It's a diverse world out there and it's ok to let some of that in the front door, even if it doesn't jive 100% with our own desires. The basic standards you set and model for your children are there, all the time, and they will pick them up even if they have a few toys that aren't your favorites.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyKelly* 
1st be grateful that your children have Grandparents to buy them gifts, my children do not, as they all passed away very young.

Second there is nothing wong with not liking a gift and giving it to someone that will. There is no need to announce it to the giver.

For example, my Grandmother sent Dh and and I a flavored coffee set thing, and a hickory farms set thing. We are LDS and dont drink coffee, and are vegan. She does know these things LOL! I called and thanked her for her thoughtfullness and that we loved that she thought of us. I NEVER mentioned we wouldnt use them. And then we took them over to the firestation down the street for them to enjoy. It was a win, win, win situation.

i agree with this completely


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## TulsiLeaf (Nov 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I completely disagree.

I think either 1. It's okay to do wish lists/requests OR 2. It's okay to donate gifts that don't suit. You can't have it both ways or we'd all have homes full of stuff that we hate. We're a #2 family.

When I give a gift, it's GIVEN. That person can do whatever s/he likes with it.

I do agree that with kids, it's complicated because _I_ might want to donate the gift and my kid might want to keep it. At that point we consider is it safe/morally ok, and if yes, then we discuss space.

Mostly I agree that being overly picky about gifts is not a good thing and that the relationship should come first. But there may be a broader context here. It might work out for the best if they don't give gifts for a couple of years and you find another way to celebrate.


Well I do agree with you with things that are absolutely junk.

I think my utter horror comes from the entitlement displayed at the Holiday times. not everyone thinks a waldorf barn is a stellar gift (I happen to!) or that play silks are awesome. Within my family, they know what kind of stuff I like and they try to stay within the bounds of it, but shopping in retail stores locally. To say, ohhh here you can buy it online, pssshaw, my family won't do that. My family isn't as computer savvy as me and quite frankly they like to see what they are buying before they get it. My mother and my aunt and my Nanny (ohh you should have seen the beautiful books she bought my daughter!) get her things that are in line with what my husband and I like. My mother has come a long way from plastic fisher price and baby einstein (OMG, she NEEDS THESE!!! She can't learn without it at 3 months old). But to expect my cousins to get her what I want is ludicrous. They don't have much money and their tastes are vastly different than mine. But to just give away the toys they buy for my kid with their hard earned money? Unacceptable. It's rude mannered and teaches my kid nothing about grace and manners. My kid is allowed to play with it (unless it was the totally unacceptable bratz doll my hobag ex cousin bought my kid when she was 16months old. I returned that to the store), enjoy it and when they forget about it I then donate it.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I dunno, I finally had to tell my mom that if she bought my kids one more thing that made noise or was gigantic and too big for our space without checking with me first, that I would take it back and let the kids puck something else, and let her explain to them why. It sounds awful, but she would keep getting them these toys that completely drove me crazy and made obnoxious sounds (or the play tent the size of one of our bedrooms, when we lived in an apartment with no yard), and laugh while they opened it about how much I would hate it. It's like she was picking the most obnoxious things she could find because she thought it was funny. She'd ask for ideas and then completely ignore all of them, not even getting anything in the realm of our suggestions. My mom is usually very respectful of my parenting, and I'm not even as picky as some people at MDC about things like plastic or electronics, so it completely baffles me. Ever since "the talk" (which I made as matter of fact and polite as possible), she has done much, much better in chosing gifts. I think people who continuously buy unwelcome gifts are not really giving gifts with the other person in mind - they are shopping for themselves. A one off off the mark gift is one thing, but a continuous pattern is another - especially when you don't have a huge number of criteria. I have no idea what the OP's criteria are - but mine are just age appropriate, not loud, not a gun, and not inappropriately sized for our space.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mandib50* 
i think that almost every christmas the kids have donated some of their gifts the inlaws have given them, not because they are ungrateful and unappreciative, but because there is no point for us to hang onto something we don't like and collect clutter.

I think this is fine, but it's the recipient's decision (obviously excluding things the OP morally opposes). My dad's mom used to give me awful gifts. Awful. I always thanked her for giving me a gift and then quietly donated later, but it was my choice to do so. My mom didn't say, "that sweater's hideous. Off to Goodwill!" That would've been inappropriate.

OP, you should consider that sometimes your children will get enjoyment out of things that you may not think that would have liked. That's happened with my children, and then there are things I think they'll love that they don't. It happens. By tossing the gifts without giving your children a chance to play with them you're really not doing anyone any favors (and you could be harming everyone's relationships).

I don't mind "Jack is really into trains" from a parent, but I've had several people this year who've told me specifically what they want me to get for their children. TBH, some of those gifts aren't even bought yet. I will when I get around to it, but I'm not looking forward to it. I'm only buying the gifts because I don't want to punish the children, but I enjoy buying gifts for people. We are selective about buying gifts, and I like to put thought into something that person will enjoy. To me, giving me a specific item sucks a lot of the joy out of celebrating.

And it would really piss me off if someone signed me up for catalogs - I don't need more junk mail!!!


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.









Its so frustrating as a mom who is trying EVERYTHING to give her kids what she can and knowing I can't. My kids got 2 gifts each for Christmas this year. Saddly not from us. DH lost his job, and my dad has terminal Cancer, so no gifts there either.

Without the good will of a mystery angel my kids would have got nothing for Christmas. Both the gifts they got were second hand and guess what. No one here cared. We woke up Chritmas morning ready to celebrate Jesus and God and at our door was a package from a mystery angel. I suspect its one of my neibores who is also struggleing.

Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.


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## luv-my-boys (Dec 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you. That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
.

I graciously disagree. We live thousands of mile from families and live a somewhat non mainstream life coupled with some SN kids. Our families in the few times they have sent gifts have been totally not what we would have picked even after telling them what to get (after they asked) We normally return them if possible but if not I have given them to other families who would use them.

My gma is a great example of keeping things because of guilt. She literally has closets full of "thing" that people have given her that are not her taste/size/inappropriate yet she holds on to the for guilt factor. Now that seems like a total waste of money and resources. We luckily convinced her to donate a lot of it to a charity but honestly 2o yr old clothes WITH tags are still out of style no matter

i am however a gracious receipient and thank them for thinking of us. But I dont think that you have to keep something _just_ because someone gave it to you.


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.









Its so frustrating as a mom who is trying EVERYTHING to give her kids what she can and knowing I can't. My kids got 2 gifts each for Christmas this year. Saddly not from us. DH lost his job, and my dad has terminal Cancer, so no gifts there either.

Without the good will of a mystery angel my kids would have got nothing for Christmas. Both the gifts they got were second hand and guess what. No one here cared. We woke up Chritmas morning ready to celebrate Jesus and God and at our door was a package from a mystery angel. I suspect its one of my neibores who is also struggleing.

Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.









to you and your family, and







for your post. Your children are very blessed to have parents that no matter what is going on around you, focus on the positive, and the true meaning of the season.


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.








...
Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.

Thank you! I was thinking the same thing!

I'm appalled at all of the posts on here this week about gifts that "aren't good enough". Where do people get this sense of entitlement? It's terrible to think that it's ok for you to turn your nose up at something that someone spends their hard-earned money on to give to your child, and it's teaching them the same rude behavior. Where I come from you take what you get, and even if it's not something you like, you appreciate that someone cared enough for you to get you anything at all. If you want to donate it eventually if it doesn't get used or if it's in terrible condition, fine, but if someone gets your child something and you dont even give them a chance to play with it before you send it off to goodwill, that's wrong, imo.

Whatever happened to "it's the thought that counts"? The thought is still good enough for me.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

What do you consider less than ideal?

You said they'd be allowed to keep the toys at their home, for the kids to play with there . . . which seems to imply two things -- 1. You're okay with the kids playing with the toys SOMEWHERE, just not at your house and 2. The kids will actually want to play with them. Why not just let them play with them at home, be appreciative for the gift, and get on with your life?

I have a really hard time thinking of things that my kids would hate/not use at all. There are a few characters they REALLY don't like, so yeah, it would suck to get a gift that was character-themed (however, when this happened to my daughter she was exceptionally gracious all on her own







-- and then gave the movie to a friend's daughter, who loved it). Beyond that, unless they're being given things that are way below their age levels or things that aren't toys at all, I'm finding it hard to believe that someone could even come up with years worth of inappropriate toys.

Now, maybe I should end this by saying that I'm not picky about toys. My kids have a whole range from plastic crap (some of which they really wanted and really enjoy) to expensive Playmobil and beautiful wooden things, etc (same). Sure, I have preferences -- I'd rather spend my money on nice things that will last . . . but I'm not going to deny them other things that give them a lot of pleasure.


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## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.


I think people here ARE thinking about families like yours. No one here has suggested that unwanted gifts be thrown away. Everyone has suggested donating - either to a charity, or to a family who needs the items. I don't think it's about greed. It's about not wanting my family to waste money on items that will not be used by my son. I am very glad that your neighbor came through for your family - that's awesome!


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

to say no thought is going into it is just not true. they are thinking of your dc, and buying them something they think they will enjoy. misguided as they may be, they ARE thinking of him/her. if it's ok for the children to play with them at the grandparent's house, then it's the preference of the parents, not the children, anyway.


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.









Its so frustrating as a mom who is trying EVERYTHING to give her kids what she can and knowing I can't. My kids got 2 gifts each for Christmas this year. Saddly not from us. DH lost his job, and my dad has terminal Cancer, so no gifts there either.

Without the good will of a mystery angel my kids would have got nothing for Christmas. Both the gifts they got were second hand and guess what. No one here cared. We woke up Chritmas morning ready to celebrate Jesus and God and at our door was a package from a mystery angel. I suspect its one of my neibores who is also struggleing.

Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.

I am sorry to hear of your situation


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I don't know. I do know that it's hard to be gracious, but you gotta do it.

And, then, on the other hand...if they now refuse to ever buy toys...is that necessarily a bad thing?









My own dad and stepmother love to buy JUNK. SOOOOOO much stuff. Literally piles of it. Our children receive more in quantity from them than from us/Santa on Christmas Day. And, most of it is junk that will tear up quickly. We have a medium size house, but I don't want every inch covered in toys, you know? We just don't have space for all the toys that were gifted to us. The best? A rocking horse that is huge and stuffed. We already have a wooden rocking horse from dh's sister. The same father gave us a plastic motorcycle rocking thing last Christmas. One of my children rocks for about 10 minutes a week, cummulative. Again, smallish house. We do not need THREE rocking toys that don't get played with. I don't feel bad for a single second about donating that toy, unopened, in the box.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

You don't like the toys they bought, so why do you care if they never buy a toy again for your kids? Won't that solve the problem right there?

I don't get why someone would feel upset or hurt when they decided to tell someone they didn't like their gifts and then the gifter decided based on that info to just not do gifts anymore!

You're getting what you want here. No more substandard toys. So at least have the grace to accept their answer and be nice now. You shouldn't expect them to have the emotions that you want them to feel too! You didn't want non-ideal toys, now your kids won't be getting them, time to move on and don't pick at things. You'll only hurt them further, and that's not kind.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

I get it! I'll never ever forget the Christmas my son was just a year old.

I provided a general list ie. a shape sorter, some puzzles... blah blah blah (stuff that could be found at Toys R Us and Walmart - not weird stuff). Then I wrote, "(DS) mostly enjoys toys that don't make a lot of noise and mommy enjoys things that don't take up too much room in our tiny home. Thank you so much for taking the time to think of us this year. We appreciate it."

Well, my family decided it would be funny to start a pool. Whoever got the "biggest, loudest, most obnoxious gift" for my DS would take the pot. I read the email that went around about it. They actually used those words. In fact, the email started with "Crystal has gotten so weird since she had her kid... I don't get why she won't let him watch TV... let's see how much we can p*ss her off!"

So, yeah... that year wasn't about giving my child a heart felt gift.

And so it began. Until this year gifts were about making Mommy mad. But it didn't work. They didn't get the reaction they hoped. So this year they (I now have two sons) they mostly bought clothes. Fine with me!

I'm sorry there are families that have nothing. I do a great deal to help those families I know/hear about in that situation. (Similar to what a PP's neighbor did). I am grateful for all my family is blessed with.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyKelly* 







to you and your family, and







for your post. Your children are very blessed to have parents that no matter what is going on around you, focus on the positive, and the true meaning of the season.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing!

I'm appalled at all of the posts on here this week about gifts that "aren't good enough". Where do people get this sense of entitlement? It's terrible to think that it's ok for you to turn your nose up at something that someone spends their hard-earned money on to give to your child, and it's teaching them the same rude behavior. Where I come from you take what you get, and even if it's not something you like, you appreciate that someone cared enough for you to get you anything at all. If you want to donate it eventually if it doesn't get used or if it's in terrible condition, fine, but if someone gets your child something and you dont even give them a chance to play with it before you send it off to goodwill, that's wrong, imo.

Whatever happened to "it's the thought that counts"? The thought is still good enough for me.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bunnyflakes* 
I am sorry to hear of your situation
















Thank you. Its just been a horrible year in general.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *April Dawn* 
I think people here ARE thinking about families like yours. No one here has suggested that unwanted gifts be thrown away. Everyone has suggested donating - either to a charity, or to a family who needs the items. I don't think it's about greed. It's about not wanting my family to waste money on items that will not be used by my son. I am very glad that your neighbor came through for your family - that's awesome!

In a lot of cases, there is NO thought going in to it. My DH's extended family gave DS gifts. They are not close to us - these are people that had never met DS till Christmas, and yet they live less than an hour away. It's not a matter of them thinking that they love him and want to pick a gift from them. It's social conditioning and marketing that tells them they must BUY BUY BUY! at the holidays, even when the gift recipient is a child they are not close to and know nothing about. There are also some people like my MIL, who gives DS a pile of gifts EVERY time she sees him (she sees us every other Saturday). And the gifts are usually junky, grubby toys or stained clothes from a yard sale - it's not about wanting to give him a gift, it's about her being unable to stop buying things. So I see a lot of gift giving where there's no real thought going into the gift. And the bottom line for me is that we have a small house and no room to store yucky clothes DS won't wear and big plastic toys he won't play with! I really don't think that's ungrateful. We always thank the giver and quietly give the items to charity in a few weeks, and someone who needs them more will get them.

honestly when it comes to clothing with my 4 year old its all stained after the first time she wears it anyway. While I am somewhat picky about what she'll wear to daycare or school, ever concider those "crappy" clothing for outdoor play, painting, crafts? or any other number of "durty" activities?

I get what your saying about "crappy" stuff. I just think there is a time and a place for bringing that up. There is also a way. Saying "this is crap" wont get you far.

If people simply don't want used because its "below them" then thats ungreatful, waistful, and rude.

Also if this stuff is trully that bad, why would it be ok for families like mine just because we're poor. Sure we need second hand toys and clothing, but that doesn't mean we need crap either.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Who said anything on this thread about used clothes and presents? Some of the "crappy for us" gifts that my kids have recieved would be great for other families in other circumstances (like the play tent I mentioned up thread would be fine now that we have a bigger house and a yard). Used is fine by me, especially if it's something we can actually use and want as opposed to a new gift that cost someone a bunch of money that we will never use.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
Who said anything on this thread about used clothes and presents? Some of the "crappy for us" gifts that my kids have recieved would be great for other families in other circumstances (like the play tent I mentioned up thread would be fine now that we have a bigger house and a yard). Used is fine by me, especially if it's something we can actually use and want as opposed to a new gift that cost someone a bunch of money that we will never use.

Oh, I see where the used clothes came in. Nevermind







I still see that person's point, though. Most people have their own stained up kids clothes that they already use for painting and stuff. If someone already has plenty of clothes, it doesn't make sense to go out and buy more stained clothes, you know?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackies Ladybug* 
donating is not practically throwing away and i am really insulted that ANYONE would think so.

Yeah, I agree with you! I don't see donating anything, including gifts, as practically throwing it away.

Some children only have thrift stores from which to glean toys, and so I feel it's worthy, heck, necessary, to donate those things we will not use rather than let them sit in a corner.

Sometimes even things we would use a little, I still donate if we aren't going to use them a lot because someone else would get more use out of them. Like if I'm only going to use something once a year, I might donate it, if it's something someone else would likely use more than that. It's a way for me to declutter my life and share.

I fully support donating things you don't use.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
I guess there's a difference between "less than ideal" and gifts that are dangerous, not age-appropriate or blatantly against your values. If it is just something you would not have selected, eh. What can you do? Let them play with it, when they get tired of it then donate it.

But if they are offensive in that they are dangerous for some reason or purposely insulting (I'm thinking a toy gun in a non-gun/vegetarian house) then maybe they stay at her house (like a huge motorized car you don't have space for) or they are donated (thinking a beading toy for a 2 yr old) or refused if they are truly dangerous (thinking a BB gun for a 5 yr old...why do I keep coming up with gun examples? LOL).

But if it is something age-appropriate you just don't like...then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Come here and complain but let it go.

And I think donating excess items is always a good idea. If you can't use something, pass it to someone who can.


Darn - in an effort to be fair - I didn't say "crap gifts" and instead said less than ideal.

Yes, they are toys against my values/our values.

They have been toys we don't really have room for (the big motorized ones you mentioned).

And they are generally just gender typical instilling toys that come from companies, stores, and manufacturing processes we do not support.









So I donate them or send them to their house.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Gifts are given out of the kindness of someone's heart. You do not dictate what they should give unless they ask, it's pretty much really rude to do so. I would be mortaly offended if someone told me my gift wasn't good enough and I would refuse to buy for them again.

And to just donate them, that is even ruder. They spent their hard earned money on gifts and you are essentially throwing them away. When I know people do not buy like I do for my daughter, I ask for art supplies. Simple as that.

But if they do not comply, I shut my mouth and be grateful that they thought of my family emough to buy a gift.

So do you just throw them in a corner until the pile become dangerous and falls on someone? Wouldn't donating them be better than paying to store them? Becuase you are NOT obligated by ettiquette to let your kids have or play with something that you don't believe is good or healthy for them.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I was not present for the conversation, which I left up to DH since it is his parents, but apparently they were quite offended and basically said they wouldn't be buying toys anymore.

Now you simply say "thank you for not buying too much stuff for the kids anymore, that is very helpful."


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Let me put it to you this way.

If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you. That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
Receiving gifts should be humbling and have a bit of gratefulness on the receivers part. Someone spent their money on you, show some respect. Just because they do not share your taste in toys, clothes or whatever, there is no reason to turn your nose up at them. Not everyone can afford or even knows about buying wooden toys that cost 60 bucks a pop! Waldorf isn't mainstream, neither is Montessori and many of the things that lots of us are into here. It just isn't. Toys with bells and whistles and lights and batteries are the NORM and most people scoff at a wooden barn.

Sometimes I wonder where people where raised. My mother raised to be gracious and accept a gift in the spirit that it was given in. I gave homemade gifts this year because I couldn't afford to buy anything really. Had anyone turned up their nose, I would have taken that gifts back and never given them something ever again.

And I am the type that thinks wish lists are darn right rude. Christmas/Holiday time is not a time to be like "I want this and I want this and I want this" The gift giving is secondary to the time spent with family. And when it comes to gift giving, I buy what I would love to buy for them because I adore them. I find it rude that someone gives me a list and then expects stuff off of there.


I see your points, and I am going to assume you mean all this with the most kindness and understanding.










One, I don't hand them wish lists, which maybe is part of the problem, so I'm told. One year out of several, I sent them a list that DH and I came up with together with many different price points and descriptions. It was not proscriptive. It was suggestive. It started at a price point of $5.

The thing is they are spending way more than $60 (probably double that) on a bunch of flashy battery toys that we will not use, nor replace the batteries for. That is not how we do things in our household. I'm not asking for Montessori or Waldorf, specifically, although those themes would be fine.

I suggested mainly books.







What is wrong with that? If they are going to plunk down that much cash every year for Christmas why wouldn't they want something that we will use and keep?

And what is wrong with donating and finding a good home for something we won't use or use very much? I don't think this is wrong at all. There are children out there whose only source of toys is a thrift store or donations. If it's an unused, new in the box toy, think of the joy that child may have this Christmas. That might be the only new toy he or she receives this year. It might make some parent very happy to find something they can have Santa bring. Have you seen the toy selection at most thrift stores? It's usually a bunch of old stuffed animals and games with missing pieces. Yes, I will continue to donate our toys when we don't use them much anymore and toys we won't use much from the beginning. It's a good end use, as far as I'm concerned.


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## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

nm.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs. Turner* 
I usually hold onto things that the kids don't play with simply because I felt bad giving them away after they were given as gifts, but, you know what? I'm sick of my house being cluttered with toys just because of this sentiment. It's a waste of people's money either way, and I think it's ok to acknowledge that. Giving them away to someone who will actually USE them is not rude imo.

Yes!










I am comfortable with donating the toys we won't use. I don't have a problem with that.

I do feel a little bad that they spend money on toys and thought perhaps this year they could be "play with at the grandparents' house toys." You know the loud ones, the gender specific ones that enforce stereotypes we don't necessarily subscribe to, the ones that appear to be made of poor quality and appear to be recalled soon, that kind of stuff. I'm not going to change a bunch of batteries in toys...just not going to...so they are better off being donated or staying at Grandma's where other kids can play with them. Right?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
Yep.

This, too.

You did all of this after they ASKED, right? Right? Because if I were them, I wouldn't be buying just toys anymore either...

And what would I do? I never would have done this in the first place, so in your shoes, I would beg forgiveness.









After they asked what? Sorry, am not sure what you mean.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *notneb* 









Unless the toys are dangerous, I just can't understand how a person's feelings about "less than ideal" gifts could ever be more important than a relationship with family members.

Again, I used the phrase "less than ideal" to give them the benefit of the doubt. They are not toys consistent with our values.









In the past, I have just quietly donated them.

It's not more important than the relationship. But my inlaws didn't spend the holiday with their grandchild and never have. They basically came to visit for a short time, dropped off the gifts, and that is how they mark the holiday. So, it's not much effort on their part. I mean, they didn't even call their grandchild on Christmas...not a big deal individually...but altogether it's a bit sad.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
After they asked what? Sorry, am not sure what you mean.

They asked you for lists, prices, brands, to be signed up for catalogues...or did you just provide that to them on your own?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
A one off off the mark gift is one thing, but a continuous pattern is another - especially when you don't have a huge number of criteria. I have no idea what the OP's criteria are - but mine are just age appropriate, not loud, not a gun, and not inappropriately sized for our space.

Yep, those are basically my criteria.


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

Quote:

Some people give many gifts because they are addicted to buying
yep. and even though they may very well love the recipient, they are indulging their own addiction and giving rather inconsiderately, or thoughtlessly.


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## BarefootGirl (Aug 5, 2009)

I'm just lurking here... I don't have kids yet, but am TTC.

I would just like to add that sometimes people buy stuff for other people that is really for themselves. They give it because they like to give gifts and it makes them feel like a good person.

I deal with this constantly from a certain family member. She often gives DH and I gifts - in fact, every time she sees us we get gifts. 99% of these gifts end up as clutter.

I don't think anyone is obligated to keep a gift just because it was a gift. There is nothing wrong with thanking the person and then donating it later.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

A few years ago DH's office teamed up with a local charity to provide toys for some needy kids one Christmas. The kids all wrote letters to Santa with their requests. The one we got was from an 7 or 8 yo who wanted a scooter. I wanted to get the child what she wanted, but I knew that some children are not going to use a scooter safely (depends on personality, coordination, etc.) It just wasn't something I felt comfortable getting for a child that age without asking her parents. So I called the charity, and asked them if it was possible for them to contact the parents and ask if it was OK for the child. They did contact the parents, who said she was not the kind of kid to do dangerous stuff like ride it in the street. So, I went ahead and got a scooter.

A few years later I ran into a nice bargain on some finger skateboard thing. They looked like the kind of thing a typical 11 yo boy would like, so I picked them up for my 11 yo nephew. After asking my sister if she thought DN would like them, she felt that b/c of the way they designed with tiny interchangeable parts, he would be frustrated do to his poor fine motor skills. So, I sent it off to a toys for tots bin. I'm sure some 10 to 14 yo boy who happened to have normal or good fine motor skills really loved getting it.

The thing about some toys is they are fine and wonderful toys for one child and horrible mistakes for another. The scooter we were asked to donate could be a great gift for most children, but for others a death sentence. My nephew also received a scooter as a present from my sisters ILs that Christmas (it was the year they were big) and he ended up in the ER the first time he tried to use it. If anyone had gone to the simple trouble of asking his mom if it was OK, she would have said "no DN is pretty uncoordinated, and we don't have a safe place for him to ride it." The gift itself is fine and great, but not right for all kids.

Had I kept the finger skateboard thing and insisted in giving it to DN, then insisted that he use it _before_ it got donated, it would then have been a used toy probably missing parts. Why would that be a _better_ donation than the same toy brand new in an unopened box? So, I say if you're going to be donating something b/c it's wrong for your DC, doing it before your DC messes it up is preferable.

My long way of saying: I do *not* think donating gifts _before_ they are used by the recipient is rude. I think parents have every right to say a toy isn't right for their child (and it's better if that can happen before the kid sees the gift and ends up disappointed that mom won't let them use it or in the ER if mom gives in b/c the kids really wants it.)


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I see your points, and I am going to assume you mean all this with the most kindness and understanding.










One, I don't hand them wish lists, which maybe is part of the problem, so I'm told. One year out of several, I sent them a list that DH and I came up with together with many different price points and descriptions. It was not proscriptive. It was suggestive. It started at a price point of $5.

The thing is they are spending way more than $60 (probably double that) on a bunch of flashy battery toys that we will not use, nor replace the batteries for. That is not how we do things in our household. I'm not asking for Montessori or Waldorf, specifically, although those themes would be fine.

*I suggested mainly books.







What is wrong with that? If they are going to plunk down that much cash every year for Christmas why wouldn't they want something that we will use and keep?*

And what is wrong with donating and finding a good home for something we won't use or use very much? I don't think this is wrong at all. There are children out there whose only source of toys is a thrift store or donations. If it's an unused, new in the box toy, think of the joy that child may have this Christmas. That might be the only new toy he or she receives this year. It might make some parent very happy to find something they can have Santa bring. Have you seen the toy selection at most thrift stores? It's usually a bunch of old stuffed animals and games with missing pieces. Yes, I will continue to donate our toys when we don't use them much anymore and toys we won't use much from the beginning. It's a good end use, as far as I'm concerned.










If they asked for suggestions, nothing. If they didn't, everything. It assumes that what they would have given isn't good enough for you - and obviously it wasn't. And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.









Its so frustrating as a mom who is trying EVERYTHING to give her kids what she can and knowing I can't. My kids got 2 gifts each for Christmas this year. Saddly not from us. DH lost his job, and my dad has terminal Cancer, so no gifts there either.

Without the good will of a mystery angel my kids would have got nothing for Christmas. Both the gifts they got were second hand and guess what. No one here cared. We woke up Chritmas morning ready to celebrate Jesus and God and at our door was a package from a mystery angel. I suspect its one of my neibores who is also struggleing.

Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.











I see how you feel, and I sympathize, and I see how your comments come from that.

I am not high and mighty or feel entitled. I come from a very poor background (one of my parents is homeless to this day - homeless in the worst sense, chronically and the other parent close to) so as you can imagine I never had a Christmas in a traditional sense. And my own parents can't afford decent food so they are not able to give my child presents of any kind. So, I do not feel entitled or greedy.

My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.

Honestly, I would rather my child not have those type of things, even if it means no Christmas gifts from them. I don't want the clutter, the noise, the batteries we need to change, the safety hazard, etc. They bought age inappropriate things that were choking hazards. Our child has sensory issues and I've explained that over and over and over again. They don't get the choking thing or the over stimulation thing.

So, we just donate the toys usually that aren't right for us because maybe they will be right for someone and I don't want them in a landfill.

But DH's parents are spending the money so wouldn't it make sense for them to buy something that is useful and needed? It's not like all our needs are met so why not try to optimize, you know? As I said, our child has sensory issues and I haven't purchased all the things recommended by the OT due to money. Why not, if they're going to buy something and spend the same amount of money, buy something the OT could be beneficial?

Or another thing I recommended was books! You can't go wrong with books! So, no, I definitely was not greedy nor feeling entitled.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
If they asked for suggestions, nothing. If they didn't, everything. It assumes that what they would have given isn't good enough for you - and obviously it wasn't. And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.









Well, I think they did ask about birthday presents one year and that is when I made the suggestions. So, no, technically it wasn't a Christmas list.

Also, my inlaws do not spend Christmas with us, so this is their "Christmas" - the giving of the gifts during a short visit. They are not interested in spending Christmas unless it has all the Christmas things - the tree, the big meal, the lights, that stuff and I don't do those things because I don't believe in all those things and so they don't want to spend Christmas with us and never have.

I just don't want material junk for the sake of Christmas. Like I said, I'd rather them not give the presents if that is what they are going to do year after year.

It's too bad they can't look at our toys in our home and take a cue. But they probably are - they are making a statement against our values, I think, in some ways. I know they don't agree with many things we (I) choose for our child so probably buying the big noisy trucks is their way of sharing their values with their grandchild (?).


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Also if this stuff is trully that bad, why would it be ok for families like mine just because we're poor. Sure we need second hand toys and clothing, but that doesn't mean we need crap either.











I would never say it's not good enough for my family but it's good enough for a poor family.

No way!

But, it might be of use to someone, possibly, or be something they can give for Christmas to their own children if they have fallen on hard times. And it's better to donate than to stuff in a landfill.

What's "crap" to me is based on my values, right? Another family (heck, my inlaws!) have different values. It might not be crap to them right?

My DH grew up playing with some toys that are OK for us. He grew up using other toys I would never use now - toy guns, candy cigarettes, things like that.

To each their own. It doesn't mean I think the poor deserve less. They don't. Most of my belongings as a child were second hand or thrifted or from charity. There is a real need for donations.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.

Here's the real problem. You think your ILs favor their other grandchildren. It's not about the toys, but you've made it about that. I see that pattern here - that posters who complain about gifts really are complaining about something else. Gifts are easier because they're tangible, but I'll bet that if you had a great relationship with your ILs, you'd overlook a few toys that required batteries.

No, they don't have to treat all of their grandchildren the same. There's no requirement for that, and unfortunately it's their relationship with you and your DH that has the greatest bearing on their relationship with your children. I would assume they won't even be doing the gift drop-off from now on. I don't understand, though, what you want from them. You said you don't "believe in all that" - meaning Christmas trees, big meals, Christmas in general (I'm not sure), but you're upset because they don't want to spend the holiday with you. If they do celebrate Christmas in a more traditional way, why would they want to spend the day with someone who doesn't? Aren't you really leaving them the option of a) forgoing their idea of Christmas and b) dropping off gifts for your children during a short visit? I really don't see where they've been put in a great position here, and it seems you're upset by whatever they do (hence you being upset that they've now said they aren't going to buy toys after you sent them lists and catalogs and then complained about what they bought).


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Here's the real problem. You think your ILs favor their other grandchildren. It's not about the toys, but you've made it about that. I see that pattern here - that posters who complain about gifts really are complaining about something else.

Respectfully, I see your point, but you are wrong.

Case in point, last year, they purchased several gifts that were pretty decent and appropriate (not what I'd buy, but OK) and we kept them and used them. Still use them.

Most of the time they buy the same thing for birthdays and for Christmas. They buy big trucks that run on batteries are loud and are made of cheap materials. I'm talking big, like the ride-on ones, and just slightly smaller than that. At one point, I think we had 7. Yes, seven!!!!!! Seven large ride-on trucks that were cluttering the living room and underfoot everywhere.

Guess what they bought this year? Another large truck. Shouldn't that go to the grandparents house??

As someone else said, if toys aren't in line with your values (toy guns, etc) is it rude to not keep the gift?

Also, someone else mentioned gifts that are appropriate for one child but not safe for another kid.

My kid has major sensory issues and ADHD and issues with motor skills. We've had an OT and other specialists recommend certain types of toys and activities that would really benefit our child. I've passed this along to the grandparents, thinking maybe instead of buying a $60 to $100 large truck they could buy the $60 to $100 sensory therapy toy.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 









I see how you feel, and I sympathize, and I see how your comments come from that.

I am not high and mighty or feel entitled. I come from a very poor background (one of my parents is homeless to this day - homeless in the worst sense, chronically and the other parent close to) so as you can imagine I never had a Christmas in a traditional sense. And my own parents can't afford decent food so they are not able to give my child presents of any kind. So, I do not feel entitled or greedy.

My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.

Honestly, I would rather my child not have those type of things, even if it means no Christmas gifts from them. I don't want the clutter, the noise, the batteries we need to change, the safety hazard, etc. They bought age inappropriate things that were choking hazards. Our child has sensory issues and I've explained that over and over and over again. They don't get the choking thing or the over stimulation thing.

So, we just donate the toys usually that aren't right for us because maybe they will be right for someone and I don't want them in a landfill.

But DH's parents are spending the money so wouldn't it make sense for them to buy something that is useful and needed? It's not like all our needs are met so why not try to optimize, you know? As I said, our child has sensory issues and I haven't purchased all the things recommended by the OT due to money. Why not, if they're going to buy something and spend the same amount of money, buy something the OT could be beneficial?

Or another thing I recommended was books! You can't go wrong with books! So, no, I definitely was not greedy nor feeling entitled.










I say this in the nicest way possible, but you sure do come across that way. When your dictating to others what they should spend, and what to get (on a 2 year old at that) its ungreatful sounding.

1) your 2 year old wont care or notice the difference in the amount spent
2) while plastic battery operated toys are a PITA they don't last forever. Least the batteries don't. I have all of DD#1's old battery operated toys, and they're still in great shape (we just don't change the batteries







) they're still loads of fun.
3) its YOUR issue not your MIL, not your DH and not your childs. YOURS so something that you persive (maybe rightly so maybe not) will influence your whole family dinamic.
4) Older children are a LOT harder to please, and even used, their gifts would cost an arm and a leg.
5) what ever happend to just being greatful??
6) the gifts are for your CHILD not you. Let your child play with them, if they really don't like them, then donate them, but don't restrict them because of YOUR hook ups. They'll just resent you (excepting being if its dangerous, or weapons, those I would agree with)
7) STOP KEEPING TRACK!!! your only hurting yourself.

I admit this Christmas is a first for me. We've never been rich. We've never gotten more gifts then a child can use. The kids have 1 grandparent. My Father, who usually gives a well thought out (if loud







) toy that the girls LOVE. But he has terminal cancer. As much as he wanted to he couldn't give the girls a gift this year. He did manage to come over for half an hour Christmas day, best gift I could ever have.

Usually the girls get a few gifts, almost always used. Why spend the money on things they're going to brake anyway. Or loose interest in.

Usually WE sponcer a family.

DH lost his job, and my dad is dieing. Christmas was not what it usually is. This year someone gave back and it really opened my eyes and made me all the more greatful. I will never again be angry about a gift I have gotten, or that the girls have gotten. I will always remember and be humbled by this experience.

So while people like youself are resenting these unwanted gifts, people like me would be greatful, even if its not perfict.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
Receiving gifts should be humbling and have a bit of gratefulness on the receivers part.

I think you are wasting your money if you buy a gift that doesn't get played with or used, but gets shoved to the back of a closet or shelf. If you can donate it and a child who really wants it or can use it will play with it, something valuable came out of the gift.

You absolutely cannot dictate to a person how they must act and feel about a gift anymore than you can demand or dictate a specific gift. I think you can smile, say thank you and be gracious about receiving it, but there should be no burden on a person to use a gift. At that point, it ceases to be a gift, ya' know.

I'm pretty lenient about any kind of gift my kids get. Some of them I like more than others. My children have had toy guns, Barbie or Bratz dolls, plastic balls that are oily and smell like gasoline (I'm OK with the fashion dolls and guns, but the gasoline balls and Polly Pockets drive me batty). They don't necessarily like all the toys they get, but they do play with them for the first day or so, and I don't make the toys off limits. When it is time for a rummage sale at church or to donate stuff to a charity, I may ask which toys they want to keep, and the ones they really don't like that much get donated--and sometimes they try to give away toys that I think are great, so I might put them in my closet.









Last year my sister gave my 5 year old a Glow-in-the-Dark slime making kit. It came with goggles, and warning signs all over it and said it was for children aged 10 and up. I hid it away in the basement for when she was older. My sister asked how she liked it, and I told her I put it away because it just wasn't appropriate for her right now, and she got kind of pissed. She said then my daughter wouldn't think that her aunt had given her anything, so I told her I'd tell her one of my presents was from her. I could totally see another person just giving the slime kit away and not worrying about keeping it around, but we seem to keep everything here, I know I'll do a big declutter when my kids are teens or something.

I don't think returning gifts is really that big a deal. That's why stores give gift receipts. Sometimes you just have no idea what someone will like, so I want them to return it and get something that really floats their boat.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
A few years ago DH's office teamed up with a local charity to provide toys for some needy kids one Christmas. The kids all wrote letters to Santa with their requests. The one we got was from an 7 or 8 yo who wanted a scooter. I wanted to get the child what she wanted, but I knew that some children are not going to use a scooter safely (depends on personality, coordination, etc.) It just wasn't something I felt comfortable getting for a child that age without asking her parents. So I called the charity, and asked them if it was possible for them to contact the parents and ask if it was OK for the child. They did contact the parents, who said she was not the kind of kid to do dangerous stuff like ride it in the street. So, I went ahead and got a scooter.

A few years later I ran into a nice bargain on some finger skateboard thing. They looked like the kind of thing a typical 11 yo boy would like, so I picked them up for my 11 yo nephew. After asking my sister if she thought DN would like them, she felt that b/c of the way they designed with tiny interchangeable parts, he would be frustrated do to his poor fine motor skills. So, I sent it off to a toys for tots bin. I'm sure some 10 to 14 yo boy who happened to have normal or good fine motor skills really loved getting it.

The thing about some toys is they are fine and wonderful toys for one child and horrible mistakes for another. The scooter we were asked to donate could be a great gift for most children, but for others a death sentence. My nephew also received a scooter as a present from my sisters ILs that Christmas (it was the year they were big) and he ended up in the ER the first time he tried to use it. If anyone had gone to the simple trouble of asking his mom if it was OK, she would have said "no DN is pretty uncoordinated, and we don't have a safe place for him to ride it." The gift itself is fine and great, but not right for all kids.

Had I kept the finger skateboard thing and insisted in giving it to DN, then insisted that he use it _before_ it got donated, it would then have been a used toy probably missing parts. Why would that be a _better_ donation than the same toy brand new in an unopened box? So, I say if you're going to be donating something b/c it's wrong for your DC, doing it before your DC messes it up is preferable.

My long way of saying: I do *not* think donating gifts _before_ they are used by the recipient is rude. I think parents have every right to say a toy isn't right for their child (and it's better if that can happen before the kid sees the gift and ends up disappointed that mom won't let them use it or in the ER if mom gives in b/c the kids really wants it.)

This is a great post, because it really talks about how gift giving should be done. It really is about thinking about what's right for the person (and those they live with), not about buying what you think they should want.

It's also really cruel, I think, to give a gift to a child that you know their parents won't or can't let them play with - and it's not a gift of love. That dang tent I've mentioned a few times on this thread cause soooo much drama in our house because there was no way we could keep it. We had to donate it and then spend money to buy my heartbroken daughter something else to replace it. That's not a gift, you know?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I say this in the nicest way possible, but you sure do come across that way. When your dictating to others what they should spend, and what to get (on a 2 year old at that) its ungreatful sounding.

I'm sorry if I gave you or anyone the impression I dictated how much they spend. I did not, have not, and will not.

I never even told them what to get. I did tell them what not to get.

Maybe I should spell out exactly what it is they get. I don't have a two year old, by the way (I have an older child).







This has been going on longer than two years.

Every year, they have gotten one or two large trucks. Like the ride-on kinds. One year, they gave three of them (in one year!). Guess what they gave this year? A big truck.

We have too many! I did donate some. At one time, I think we had 7! Seven large trucks! We had a party one time and there were a ton of little kids here and it was great because every kid had a truck and that is about the only time I saw a use for that many! Do all of you have space for 7 ride on big trucks?

And another year they did ask first, but they wanted to buy a really large one, like a $400, big bells and whistles riding truck. Seriously, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but the presents have gotten very monotonous and they just aren't age appropriate.

The other presents this year were ones with lots of small pieces that were choking hazards (DC has sensory issues and puts everything in his mouth).

I didn't see the gifts - DH made the decision that they would be better off at his parents house for kids to play with.

So, sorry to seem ungrateful but I just don't think we need the big trucks. And this has been going on for years and years before my child came on the scene. My inlaws have older grandchildren that they also always gave the trucks to. I remember my nephews one year getting the trucks when they were in their early teens and they were less than enthused and I felt sorry for them.










The other grandchildren's parents have said no more trucks (I think the first or second year) and now they either get cash or go shopping together.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I think it's appropriate that you keep a truck at the grandparent's house in that situation. I mean there really is a limit to how many trucks you can keep in your house or that your child can use, and maybe he'd use one at the grandparent's house if they had one there.


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## paxye (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.









I have to disagree.. I think it is the opposite.

My MIL never asks what the kids want and she always buys something that she thinks is a good idea but the kids are not interested in and they don't play with or can't have/use. (themed characters that my kids don't know and have no interest in, expansion packs for toys we don't own, treats and other products that my kids are allergic to etc...)

I would rather her ask what they want or not get anything at all.... We have a small space, 3 kids and another on the way and I am trying to get rid of clutter and things that go unused and are unwanted. I think it is more materialistic to waste money on something that someone doesn't want or need, or have any use for, instead of asking for ideas of gifts that would be appreciated (by the parents or especially the kids themselves)...

We don't have much family around that give gifts... and I am more than happy with that, I would rather them know the holidays and their birthdays to be about family time and getting things that they want and need and will use then just just getting more, more and more of things that will just end up in a pile.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
I think it's appropriate that you keep a truck at the grandparent's house in that situation. I mean there really is a limit to how many trucks you can keep in your house or that your child can use, and maybe he'd use one at the grandparent's house if they had one there.

Thank you!







When we got around the seventh truck a Christmas or two ago, I took a picture of them all lined up, just for the sheer craziness of it. I wish I could find that picture now so I could post it.

We were seriously inundated with large toy vehicles. One is fine. More than that is pushing it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paxye* 
I have to disagree.. I think it is the opposite.

My MIL never asks what the kids want and she always buys something that she thinks is a good idea but the kids are not interested in and they don't play with or can't have/use. (themed characters that my kids don't know and have no interest in, expansion packs for toys we don't own, treats and other products that my kids are allergic to etc...)

I would rather her ask what they want or not get anything at all.... We have a small space, 3 kids and another on the way and I am trying to get rid of clutter and things that go unused and are unwanted. I think it is more materialistic to waste money on something that someone doesn't want or need, or have any use for, instead of asking for ideas of gifts that would be appreciated (by the parents or especially the kids themselves)...

We don't have much family around that give gifts... and I am more than happy with that, I would rather them know the holidays and their birthdays to be about family time and getting things that they want and need and will use then just just getting more, more and more of things that will just end up in a pile.

Thank you. I really appreciate your post. I agree.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Sorry I thought your child was younger..

I still think graditude goes a long way

admittedly its been a crap year and I am projecting.. and there is a small measure of jelousy/shame/dissapointmet here, that I can't give my girls what others have or get and don't want.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Sorry I thought your child was younger..

I still think graditude goes a long way

admittedly its been a crap year and I am projecting.. and there is a small measure of jelousy/shame/dissapointmet here, that I can't give my girls what others have or get and don't want.











Please don't feel shame. I can understand feeling jealous or disappointment and I send a big hug out to you. But don't feel shame.

This economy is tough. Raising a family is tough. There is no shame in poverty.

As I said, I grew up very poor, with an absentee parent, and kids made fun of me all the time, and I often felt embarrassed and ashamed. But now I believe firmly there is no shame in poverty and I don't want you to pass any feelings of shame on to your kids. They can grow up proud no matter what their economic background. They are just as worthy of this world as the children of Bill Gates.









Besides, I don't think your girls would be too thrilled with the ride-on trucks that my inlaws buy year after year. Admittedly, this year, it wasn't a ride-on like the 7 others we have gotten from them, but it was a big truck none the less. They pretty much buy the same thing every year and while my child is old enough to know what he really, really likes, he's still young enough to enjoy the thrill of ripping open the package and playing with the box. And yes, he likes trucks, but he doesn't need that many big ones.









I wish I could send a nice present to your kids - all kids - who are struggling in anyway because I empathize and I remember.

But please do not feel shame. In this economy, any of us could be in that situation in no time. There is no shame in poverty.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.

Is there any indication that the OP has ruined their relationship with their grandparents? Seriously?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.











That's kind of a short, snippy comment.







But I will take the criticism because I asked for all opinions.

I truly do not want to ruin the relationship between grandchild (just one) and grandparent.

And, again, I didn't say anything to my inlaws. I wasn't even there.

Would something like this ruin a relationship?


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Now that I've read the whole thread, OP, I think it might be good to talk to the parents who successfully said "no more trucks". How did they go about that without insulting the grandparents?

Also, I see no problem with donating unused gifts, and frankly, have you seen all the articles everywhere, every magazine and newspaper about returns and regifting? This is actually what probably 75-95% of people do.

Are there people here who think that keeping the sweater that was literally 3 sizes too big would have been better than exchanging it for the same one in the right size? I did that today. Saw tons of the same thing going on at the store.

We often get too many toys for our small space. Once in a while it's malicious, but usually it's just that they don't live here, and it's not their kids.

Not to mention, you're really talking about duplicate gifts here, ride on trucks year after year and holiday after holiday are NOT new gifts, it's the same gift in a different color. I got 2 of the same DVD for Christmas. The two people (DH and my brother) knew I wanted it, but 2 of it is obviously pointless. Now, DH was there when I opened his and the one from my brother. My brother doesn't know. I said thank you and how much I wanted that DVD at both openings. One will get returned. How exactly would keeping 2 copies of it be respectful to the relationship with either of them?

DD got a DVD that we already own. The idea was fantastic, she ADORES that movie. She didn't say "I already have this." She said "Wow! I looooooove Mary Poppins!" But keeping it won't help anyone. That'll get exchanged for something she doesn't have. They'll probably never know, and that's fine.

Now I would try to rebuild the relationship, and just say that you really want to spend time with them rather than any material item from them. Can you start a new tradition that involves something you can do with them, a day after Christmas brunch or visit to a museum or something?

Lastly, have you seen this? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/24/ga...stuff.html?hpw It put stuff in perspective for me that my relatives are not THAT bad. I think this is one of the key issues behind overgifting relatives: "Her sister, Mrs. Stratton, agrees, and insists that she doesn't buy more toys for the twins than she bought for her own children." She seems not to recognize the difference between appropriate giving levels for your OWN children and your grand-nieces and grand-nephews. It seems to be common among baby boomers. I told DH to remind me of that when we're grandparents. Grandparents are not the kids parents, and shouldn't gift like parents!


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
Is there any indication that the OP has ruined their relationship with their grandparents? Seriously?

Thanks. And to answer the question, I hope not. I don't think it will ruin the relationship between grandchild and grandparent.

It probably will put further strain on their relationship with me. Even though I wasn't there and didn't say a word to them, they'll see this as coming solely from me.










I don't know...there are other issues at play, of course...but we don't need so many large plastic ride-on trucks. And I remember them giving basically the same kind of toy to their step children when they were in their teens to less than enthusiastic reaction from the teens/pre-teens.










I'm not ungrateful. There are some things my inlaws have done well and they've gotten lots of gratitude.

But after a few years of letting this one go, and when all needs aren't met, I feel like it's kind of a waste to spend the money on the big trucks that we don't need, when there are things we do need. It would be nice if there was some way to take this message to them without offending them, but that probably isn't realistic.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Now that I've read the whole thread, OP, I think it might be good to talk to the parents who successfully said "no more trucks". How did they go about that without insulting the grandparents?

Good point.

Well, I think they probably were a little offended by the other parents, too, at first. Or maybe disappointed.

But DH's brother is a little better at talking to his parents about these kind of things than DH is, I think, from what I've seen. Also, DH's dad doesn't seem to want to piss off DH's brother so usually does things he wants. Again, though, I'm not that close, so I could be wrong.







Just my impression.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Not to mention, you're really talking about duplicate gifts here, ride on trucks year after year and holiday after holiday are NOT new gifts, it's the same gift in a different color. I got 2 of the same DVD for Christmas. The two people (DH and my brother) knew I wanted it, but 2 of it is obviously pointless. Now, DH was there when I opened his and the one from my brother. My brother doesn't know. I said thank you and how much I wanted that DVD at both openings. One will get returned. How exactly would keeping 2 copies of it be respectful to the relationship with either of them?

Good point. Why hadn't I thought of it this way? They really are duplicate gifts (some of them). And some are just inappropriate (too many pieces, choking hazard, etc).


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Now I would try to rebuild the relationship, and just say that you really want to spend time with them rather than any material item from them. Can you start a new tradition that involves something you can do with them, a day after Christmas brunch or visit to a museum or something?

Thank you. Yes, I would very much like to do that, eventually. I'm still kind of offended by things they've said, so I think a little time would be good for both sides.

It seems so reasonable to think brunch or a museum, right? But they said to DH, I guess, that they do not like going places and they do not like eating in restaurants anymore.

It would seem it's a function of them getting older, perhaps, but they still do travel a great deal and a great distance (flights) to see their other set of grandkids multiple weeks a year. They end up spending like 4 weeks there and 4 days with our child, which they see as fair because it's 4 visits for each. That's what they told us, so that's what we have to go with, I guess.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Lastly, have you seen this? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/24/ga...stuff.html?hpw It put stuff in perspective for me that my relatives are not THAT bad.

Oh, good article! Thanks for sharing. I actually have read the book from the author they quote: Susan Linn, a psychologist and the author of "The Case for Make Believe: Saving Play in a Commercialized World."

That book, and a few others, and lots of articles I've read, and just my own convictions are why I feel the way I do about toys.

And, may I just say, the picture for that article is hilariously over the top.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 









That's kind of a short, snippy comment.







But I will take the criticism because I asked for all opinions.

I truly do not want to ruin the relationship between grandchild (just one) and grandparent.

And, again, I didn't say anything to my inlaws. I wasn't even there.

Would something like this ruin a relationship?

It really wasn't meant to be snippy. Just stating that you actually got your wish which may not be a bad thing.

It doesn't really matter if you didn't say anything to your inlaws. I would imagine they know that some of the objection is coming from you. (Just noticed you stated this in your previous post). Also, you indicated that the relationship is already strained so maybe the gifts are just a symptom of a bigger problem.

The ILs must be pretty special people to be able to maintain a great relationship with your child and have a strained relationship with you. I say this from personal experience. DH and I had an issue with his parents and his parents chose not to see our children as a result. I hope this is not the case with your ILs (I am projecting here I am sure).

Anyway, you have told them your preference, given them suggestions, and talked to them directly and they still ignored you. If they want to "waste' their money on things, there really is nothing else you can do. Just do what you can to preserve the relationship.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.

I hope this isn't the case for the OP and her family, but some times not having a relationship with a grandparent is for the best.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
It really wasn't meant to be snippy. Just stating that you actually got your wish which may not be a bad thing.

Thanks. I'm sure you didn't mean to be snippy.







Even if you had intended it, that's OK. I asked for all perspectives. I don't ever want to post and just here my own opinion given back to me. That would be boring, and pointless! So, I appreciate the criticism. Thanks!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
It doesn't really matter if you didn't say anything to your inlaws. I would imagine they know that some of the objection is coming from you. (Just noticed you stated this in your previous post). Also, you indicated that the relationship is already strained so maybe the gifts are just a symptom of a bigger problem.

You are absolutely correct. I wasn't there, I didn't say anything, but, yes, I am certain they think it's coming mainly from me.







Yes, there are bigger problems with them (I think they are often unfair and somewhat neglectful, I guess. They think their 4 visits a year are just fine.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
The ILs must be pretty special people to be able to maintain a great relationship with your child and have a strained relationship with you. I say this from personal experience. DH and I had an issue with his parents and his parents chose not to see our children as a result. I hope this is not the case with your ILs (I am projecting here I am sure).










Sorry to hear of your own inlaw struggles. Yes, one good thing I can say about my inlaws is that they don't take their dislike of me out on our child, directly. I'm sure they still love their grandchild.

I have heard from them, and through DH, a few different versions about why they visit one set of grandchildren 4 weeks a year (further away) and our child 4 days a year (closer to them physically).

I've heard it's me. Then I've heard it's not me and that they see it as fair because 4 visits equal 4 visits, doesn't matter to them if it's weeks or days. And I've heard a few other things, but I won't go into detail. So, they are special in some ways to still maintain a relationship, but they are by no means perfect, and sometimes I don't think they are even that good, but they certainly aren't bad. They can be a bit absent, is all, while paying a great deal of attention to the other grandchildren.







The gifts is just one arena. We get the aforementioned large trucks every year, it seems, and the other grandchildren get some pretty nice, sometimes very generous gifts that their parents help to pick out. Oh well, it's not in my control and all I can do it let it go, even if it is not fair. It's not up to me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
IAnyway, you have told them your preference, given them suggestions, and talked to them directly and they still ignored you. If they want to "waste' their money on things, there really is nothing else you can do. Just do what you can to preserve the relationship.

Good point. I have to stop looking at it as a waste, I guess.

I think that is my problem with it. I try hard to meet all my child's needs, like most parents, I think. We come close, but we don't have all needs met (I'm distinguishing from wants). It would be really, really, really nice if our inlaws are going to spend this money anyway, if they could spend it on things we actually need, or if that's not fun for them, as has been pointed out, and they would rather buy "fun" stuff then something that maybe DH and I were going to buy anyway so that we can then spend the money on a need.

I should just try to not maximize and economize and be as efficient as I try to be about things. I don't like clutter, or waste, and my frugal nature says if they are going to spend the money anyway, let it be on something useful! But it's not my money so I guess I really don't have a say.

But I do think I have a say about whether it stays or gets donated.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
I hope this isn't the case for the OP and her family, but some times not having a relationship with a grandparent is for the best.

My inlaws have some issues, and I have some too, and we don't always get along and lately we often don't get along, but I don't think they are the kind of people to end a relationship because we don't like or approve of a few toys they purchased for Christmas.

So that's one thing to be thankful for.


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## phoebemommy (Mar 30, 2006)

It's been interesting to read all of this.

Having a kid has really challenged me in the gift recieving area. I've always felt being grateful for gifts is very important. I appreciated everything and held onto it for a long time, even if I didn't really use it. My family gives mostly modest presents, and then in my twenties I was broke and made good use of just about everything, so it was easy to handle gifts gracefully.

My (friendly but buttinski) IL's got the hint back at homebirthing that we do things differently at our house, and have been rather good about asking whether stuff is appropriate. But then this year at Thanksgiving, MIL give DS one of her million Santas, and I guess I inadvertently gave her "a look", since she gave us a really unreasonable amount of Christmas decorations and Santas when we got married, more than we can store or want. She commented on my look, made it a lot bigger a deal than it was, and said that since she's the grandma, she gets to give DS whatever she wants, or something like that.

So then, she gave DS (age 3) a Fisher Price video game sports toy thing. She knows we don't do really do TV (only watch DVD's and stream from Netflix, no more than an hour or two a day, if that), and that I strictly limit what sorts of things he can watch. I'm sure I've told her why we're very limited with TV, and why I don't think it's good for young kids. DH wants me to compromise on this one, put the toy on the TV in his office and only let him play when DH is there. But I've compromised on a lot of things over the years to make MIL happy, and this one pretty clearly violates what I think is okay.

I think she meant well, because DS loves sports, but I'd rather have him chasing a ball around the house than pretending to hit one on a video game. I strongly feel that video game sports are not sports. And it seems like, after her comment, this is some kind of challenge from her to me. Also, she made her own mother take back a Nintendo for DH when he was a teenager, so turnabout is fair play on this one, I think.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phoebemommy* 
It's been interesting to read all of this.

Having a kid has really challenged me in the gift recieving area. I've always felt being grateful for gifts is very important. I appreciated everything and held onto it for a long time, even if I didn't really use it. My family gives mostly modest presents, and then in my twenties I was broke and made good use of just about everything, so it was easy to handle gifts gracefully.

My (friendly but buttinski) IL's got the hint back at homebirthing that we do things differently at our house, and have been rather good about asking whether stuff is appropriate. But then this year at Thanksgiving, MIL give DS one of her million Santas, and I guess I inadvertently gave her "a look", since she gave us a really unreasonable amount of Christmas decorations and Santas when we got married, more than we can store or want. She commented on my look, made it a lot bigger a deal than it was, and said that since she's the grandma, she gets to give DS whatever she wants, or something like that.

So then, she gave DS (age 3) a Fisher Price video game sports toy thing. She knows we don't do really do TV (only watch DVD's and stream from Netflix, no more than an hour or two a day, if that), and that I strictly limit what sorts of things he can watch. I'm sure I've told her why we're very limited with TV, and why I don't think it's good for young kids. DH wants me to compromise on this one, put the toy on the TV in his office and only let him play when DH is there. But I've compromised on a lot of things over the years to make MIL happy, and this one pretty clearly violates what I think is okay.

I think she meant well, because DS loves sports, but I'd rather have him chasing a ball around the house than pretending to hit one on a video game. I strongly feel that video game sports are not sports. And it seems like, after her comment, this is some kind of challenge from her to me. Also, she made her own mother take back a Nintendo for DH when he was a teenager, so turnabout is fair play on this one, I think.

OK, thanks so much for your post! This is really close to my situation (OP here).









I too never really said anything before kids...well, never said anything. I just accepted with a smile, and then donated if I didn't want it or need it. My inlaws for the most part have been pretty good with gifts for DH and for me over the years. Here and there my MIL would get something I didn't like personally, but it was no big deal. Often, though, she did pretty well. I still have two necklaces she bought me over 10 years ago...that is how much I liked them. I've also liked other things she's gotten and appreciated them for the gifts and spirit in which they were given.

With grandchildren it's been a little different. I don't know why. But I think they are more inserting their values and defending to a small extent how they raised their kids (tv, video games, electronics, and trips to Toys R Us to pick out what they wanted).

I am different. I was raised differently. I think differently. I would prefer to be tv free, or tv only for the dvds, but that is a compromise with DH who loves tv. I would prefer to have simple toys and not too many. I would rather have music classes, art classes, a museum family pass, etc than a bunch of toys. But DH likes stuff. Again, another compromise.

I don't like the loud, obnoxious, close-ended, commercialized, characterized to make your kid want more toys from that line kind of toys. And we don't need so many darn trucks! Not to mention the gender issue and open ended, non-violent play issue.

Deep down, I want to be gracious and accepting, and I want to want their gifts. But I don't want them.







They don't fit into my plan for raising my child, and when they duplicate basically the same gift year after year it just becomes clutter.

I liked someone else's analogy of formula and disposable diapers they were given at their shower.

My MIL kind of supported breast feeding, but also seemed to think it was somehow an affront to her choice to formula feed, she once gave my infant a pacifier when I had made it clear I was not using them and that I was struggling with latching and the lactation consultant had said no pacifiers at that time, and there have been other philosophical things like that. I would like to raise my child vegetarian (another compromise with DH and we are not, but we limit meat) and even before our child was born FIL made comments about giving his right to give burgers to grandchildren. Smoking was another issue...we don't smoke, they do. So, it's kind of ongoing philosophical and lifestyle differences.

I sometimes get the feeling they judge me and they are inserting some of their own values and will into their gifts. I get lots of eyerolls and sighs. They either really don't understand or they don't want to try to understand.









And it never really mattered until it really mattered, you know what I mean? It mattered when my baby was involved. And now things don't go smoothly because I'm always disagreeing with them...not to disagree, but because we genuinely think differently.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Sorry I thought your child was younger..

I still think graditude goes a long way

admittedly its been a crap year and I am projecting.. and there is a small measure of jelousy/shame/dissapointmet here, that I can't give my girls what others have or get and don't want.











i've been on both ends of being a broke, single mom and hardly being able to afford anything for my children, and to now where i can give them things they want. i was just saying to my husband how emotionally painful it was when i was a single mom and i couldn't give more to the kids. thankfully, they were quite a bit younger and really don't remember.

and that is why i feel good about donating unused gifts that we simply do not need (either because of space or just having too many toys) or even want, because i would have really appreciated when i was a single mom to be able to walk into the thrift store and buy a nice, unopened, unused item for my child at a reasonable price.

i think you can still be very grateful for the thought but donate the gift at the same time


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mandib50* 









i've been on both ends of being a broke, single mom and hardly being able to afford anything for my children, and to now where i can give them things they want. i was just saying to my husband how emotionally painful it was when i was a single mom and i couldn't give more to the kids. thankfully, they were quite a bit younger and really don't remember.

and that is why i feel good about donating unused gifts that we simply do not need (either because of space or just having too many toys) or even want, because i would have really appreciated when i was a single mom to be able to walk into the thrift store and buy a nice, unopened, unused item for my child at a reasonable price.

i think you can still be very grateful for the thought but donate the gift at the same time









Nicely said. I agree.









I think that will continue to be my policy. Gratitude, but donate things that are duplicate, unnecessary, or inappropriate for our household by our choice.

The tricky part is when they ask where the toys are. And not hurting their feelings with the answer.

I guess I can (with some consideration) get over the idea that they are wasting their money and it is an opportunity lost for things we might need that cost the same amount of money because 1) it's not their responsibility to provide needs, it's ours and 2) it's their money and their decision.










Thanks all. Wow, I didn't expect so many responses.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
Nicely said. I agree.









I think that will continue to be my policy. Gratitude, but donate things that are duplicate, unnecessary, or inappropriate for our household by our choice.

The tricky part is when they ask where the toys are. And not hurting their feelings with the answer.

I guess I can (with some consideration) get over the idea that they are wasting their money and it is an opportunity lost for things we might need that cost the same amount of money because 1) it's not their responsibility to provide needs, it's ours and 2) it's their money and their decision.










Thanks all. Wow, I didn't expect so many responses.

i think letting go of what they are giving your children and all that it means is the best thing. and if they ask where the toys are, then the best you can do is to honestly and politely explain where they are and why. ultimately, you are not responsible for their feelings, just as they are not responsible for how you react to the gifts they give you.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I completely understand your frustration, OP. SEVEN of these things is just ridiculous. Yes, you love the people, blah, blah, blah. But things are not people. So getting rid of what you don't have space for is NOT the same as getting rid of the people. It's not even getting rid of their kindness. It's JUST getting rid of the STUFF. So donate them on Freecyle already.


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## Sourire (May 4, 2009)

I find this discussion very interesting.

I have problems with gifts from my MIL and I don't even have kids yet (hopefully soon though) so it can only get worse.

She is a shopaholic and loves to buy stuff for us but I ask her to return more than half of what she buys us (for example she has over time bought us 4 food processors, 1 blender and 2 electric mixers).

My SIL just had a baby, the first grandchild for my MIL, and at Christmas she literally gave my 4 month old neice a mountain of toys, including one very space consuming child-sized pink plastic armchair which was meant for a toddler or pre-schooler. SIL asked MIL to return that one.

The reason I have no problem asking her to return so many of these gifts (other than the fact that I have no use for them) is that my MIL truly cannot afford these gifts. I know this because she frequently asks DH for money to pay for stuff like food or gas after spending her whole paycheque on gifts we don't want.

Luckily for all of us, MIL is not offended when we ask her to return things and we have a good relationship. But I sure am not looking forward to the mountains of toys at christmas!


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

We had this problem with my in-laws. We would just thank them and then re gift or donate if we couldn't use what was given. I don't think this is rude. When they were visiting once, we went into a second hand store where we often exchange clothes and they still had this particular coat (mentioned below) out on display. I felt a little bad because in laws saw it. They were pouty for a day or so then got over it and now they ask us for suggestions.

I disagree with everyone saying it is rude to donate unwanted items. I genuinely don't want a winter coat with fur on it for my 1.5 year old who already has two winter coats. That is why I create wish lists, because our families don't live close and therefore don't know what my kids are into. Its the same for me with my nieces and nephews. We are always grateful that someone gives us a gift. But then its our gift to do with as we see fit. I think it is rude to buy someone a gift that you would love for them without thinking if it is something they would like. Gifts should be given with the reciever in mind.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I don't try to dictate what gifts others can buy. That's just rude. If asked, I'll give suggestions, but only if asked. If we get an awful gift we smile and say thank you.

Once given, the gift belongs to the recipient. If you want to donate it or sell it or trash it, that's entirely up to you. I don't think there's anything rude about it. What is rude is trying to dictate what the recipient does with the gift.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Gift giving is also weird with my ILs. MIL will ask for ideas, because we have lots of stuff already, and she honestly would like to buy something that the kids want/need/will use. So I show her my list, that I keep over the year, of things I noticed my kids asking for repeatedly. But then behind the scenes FIL wants to buy one *big* thing of his own choosing, every year. And he is horrible at choosing gifts. So they buy one big surprise, and then something inspired from my list. Yet, MIL will not tell me if she bought anything off my list. I say, "That was the list I was going to use for selecting _our_ gifts for the kids, so if you bought something off the list I need to know so that I don't buy the same thing." But she WON'T tell me. Ack!!!

They are generous to a fault, but... this year, they selected a huge motorized telescope on a tripod, which is wayyyy too delicate for the kids (ages 5 and 2) to use for years. Very cool, but we have literally nowhere to store it and it won't be usable for years!!! When DS1 was 2, ILs bought him a big, expensive Lionel train set - also frustrating for DS and unusable (by him) for years, while we stored it in our cluttered, cluttered house. They bought BIL a blu-ray player last year, and again, a newer, better one for him this year. They bought BIL a video camera one year and then a newer, better video camera the next year. They knew I bought a color laser printer less than a year ago, and guess what they bought DH and me for Christmas? A bigger, better color laser printer (meanwhile, we would have loved a blu-ray player or a video camera).

I feel terrible complaining - these are huge expensive gifts! However, it seems sooo sooo sooo wasteful! I can't stand to think about how wasteful it is! It's a double-edged sword - it really *is* wasteful to buy $300-$400 replacements for perfectly good items we already own, but it is also crappy for me to complain. (Oh and the ILs bought remote control vehicles for the kids, too this year. But since they wouldn't tell me what they bought off of _my_ list that _they asked to see_, we also bought remote control vehicles. Waste waste waste.)

ETA: My mom, OTOH, prefers to buy off my list provided there is something on the list that resonates with her - as a result, the kids think she is the greatest gift-giver ever because she always seems to know just what they want... and she spends far less than the ILs.


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## vrclay (Jun 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
And to just donate them, that is even ruder. They spent their hard earned money on gifts and you are essentially throwing them away.

Actually, I think donating them is the best solution if the ILs are going to continue to give inappropriate gifts. We have some similar issues as we honestly don't have the space for many of the gifts we receive and we have grandparents that express love through gifts, ie - the bigger the gift, the mroe I love you. After having to ask my mother repeatedly to only buy gifts on "gift-giving occasions", um, holidays and birthdays, she countered with, well just take them back. Great, then I get to be the bad guy and tell my 2 year old he can't keep the giant stuffed Thomas the Tank Engine...


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vrclay* 
Actually, I think donating them is the best solution if the ILs are going to continue to give inappropriate gifts. We have some similar issues as we honestly don't have the space for many of the gifts we receive and we have grandparents that express love through gifts, ie - the bigger the gift, the mroe I love you. After having to ask my mother repeatedly to only buy gifts on "gift-giving occasions", um, holidays and birthdays, she countered with, well just take them back. Great, then I get to be the bad guy and tell my 2 year old he can't keep the giant stuffed Thomas the Tank Engine...

Just a thought.. have you concidered donating the old ones and using the new ones??


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Just a thought.. have you concidered donating the old ones and using the new ones??

I am not the one you are asking, but I have the same problem, and have found that none of the charity organizations around us are interested in already-been-used toys. I am not talking about beat up stained or worn out toys either. I have searched on the Internet and all the local organizations I can find ask for new toys in the original box


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
But to just give away the toys they buy for my kid with their hard earned money? Unacceptable. It's rude mannered and teaches my kid nothing about grace and manners. My kid is allowed to play with it (unless it was the totally unacceptable bratz doll my hobag ex cousin bought my kid when she was 16months old. I returned that to the store), enjoy it and when they forget about it I then donate it.

I disagree. A child certainly can learn to be appreciative of the thought behind the gift, even if that gift is not something the child would have asked to receive. As a parent, you cannot force your child to love a gift, but you can teach them to be gracious about accepting it. Personally, I would not force my child to play with a toy he didn't want, nor would I allow him to play with something that was dangerous just to spare the gift givers feelings.

I also find it rather odd that you go on and on about grace and manners, yet refer to your relative as a hobag. True grace comes from the inside, not just what we present to the outside world. True class is not something that can be faked.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I was not present for the conversation, which I left up to DH since it is his parents, but apparently they were quite offended and basically said they wouldn't be buying toys anymore.

Send them a thank you note?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I'm a big believer in "it's the thought that counts"
So gifts where it's clear the giver put no thought into it "they told us they don't have room for ride-on trucks and that there are dozens of toys their kids would rather have, but we always give them a ride-on truck", don't deserve gratitude.

They weren't thinking of you or your son.

Hang on, is there any chance they've got some sort of mental problem? Could they have forgotten that they already got him half a dozen ride-on trucks? Do they think he's actually triplets? Or that you're running a home-based day care?


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## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Let me put it to you this way.

If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. *You just up and donate it without using it just because it is something you don't like or it isn't "good enough" for you.* That is really rude. Seriously. It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
Receiving gifts should be humbling and have a bit of gratefulness on the receivers part. Someone spent their money on you, show some respect. Just because they do not share your taste in toys, clothes or whatever, there is no reason to turn your nose up at them. Not everyone can afford or even knows about buying wooden toys that cost 60 bucks a pop! Waldorf isn't mainstream, neither is Montessori and many of the things that lots of us are into here. It just isn't. Toys with bells and whistles and lights and batteries are the NORM and most people scoff at a wooden barn.

Sometimes I wonder where people where raised. My mother raised to be gracious and accept a gift in the spirit that it was given in. I gave homemade gifts this year because I couldn't afford to buy anything really. Had anyone turned up their nose, I would have taken that gifts back and never given them something ever again.

And I am the type that thinks wish lists are darn right rude. Christmas/Holiday time is not a time to be like "I want this and I want this and I want this" The gift giving is secondary to the time spent with family. And when it comes to gift giving, I buy what I would love to buy for them because I adore them. I find it rude that someone gives me a list and then expects stuff off of there.


haven't read the whole thread...just got this far...

but then what do you do with that gift? we do not have clutter in our house. it literally drives us insane...when the house is messy we get less done, argue more, ds gets hurt more, etc etc.

year after year our in-laws buy us these large poseable santa's and some kind of fiber optic or motion art thing. these are not things that we need, use, or want. it's not that we're ungrateful, but we DO NOT want these things...and as has been stated, they just don't get it. we've tried to talk to them. they spend 100 bucks on us every year on stuff that we just won't use, and they are SERIOUSLY about to lose their house.

so what do you do with it? give it back? that would insult them more than to know that every year right after christmas I find someone on craigslist who wants the santa. and this year we just donated that 11x18 waterfall motion picture to good will.

back to kids...we usually let DS keep the toy that any grandparent gives him. like a pp said, things get lost or broken pretty quickly around here. if it's not a grandparent though, we usually are more likely to give it away. people just buy things for him because he's a kid, at christmas, and they want him to have something to open. that's the real gift. that caring sentiment. not the plastic sorting barn that's gonna go through batteries like a pregnant lady goes through underwear.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Oh, and a gift is a gift. I don't have an obligation to get someone what they ask for and I don't have any right to tell them what to do with the gift I give them.

And if I get you the same gift every year, I want you to tell me the second time I get it for you why it doesn't work. "Oh chocolates again! My co-workers loved the box you got me last year. By the way, have I mentioned my dairy allergy to you? It's astounding how many things contain milk or casein or whey."


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aran* 
I am not the one you are asking, but I have the same problem, and have found that none of the charity organizations around us are interested in already-been-used toys. I am not talking about beat up stained or worn out toys either. I have searched on the Internet and all the local organizations I can find ask for new toys in the original box









There is always some organization, shelter, daycare, hospital, doctors office, dental office, salvation army, or charity of some sort that will except old toys.

We regularly donate older toys to all of these types of places. Not so much thing holiday because of our situation, but everytime there is a birthday or christmas we clear out the toys. It was like that when I was growing up too.

the only one I know of where it has to be a New toy is for the Santa Fund (or toys for tots, or Lions Club, it has different names) where they give these brand new toys to children who are in need of them. Many of whom never get new toys. They want to make Christmas special for these children who have nothing else.

All else fails there is always Freecycle.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
Let me put it to you this way.

If I bought you a gift, I bought YOU a gift. ....Toys with bells and whistles and lights and batteries are the NORM and most people scoff at a wooden barn.
.

You=people who think that all gifts should be accepted humbly and kept and cherished indefinitely
Them=people who receive gifts

So you scoff at their feelings about what they want to have in their homes, but you claim that you are being thoughtful when you buy a toy with bells and whistles and lights and batteries in deliberate contradiction to what you know about them? Instead of, oh, say, buying a very small toy that does fit with everything you know about them and their way of life? Or, better, not buying a toy at all and giving something consumable, or making up a story, or offering to spend time with people you care about enough to want to give a gift to?

Your choice is to buy something that has nothing to do with them and their lives and then to get offended when they aren't 'grateful enough' that you spent money on them. And, in fact, you will be MORE offended if they remind you that whatever it is doesn't fit into their lives at all so that you can, theoretically, avoid wasting more of your money.


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## RoseDuperre (Oct 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellabaz* 
I disagree with everyone saying it is rude to donate unwanted items. I genuinely don't want a winter coat with fur on it for my 1.5 year old who already has two winter coats. That is why I create wish lists, because our families don't live close and therefore don't know what my kids are into. Its the same for me with my nieces and nephews. We are always grateful that someone gives us a gift. But then its our gift to do with as we see fit. *I think it is rude to buy someone a gift that you would love for them without thinking if it is something they would like. Gifts should be given with the reciever in mind.*

Yes. This. Thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
I'm a big believer in "it's the thought that counts"
So gifts where it's clear the giver put no thought into it "they told us they don't have room for ride-on trucks and that there are dozens of toys their kids would rather have, but we always give them a ride-on truck", don't deserve gratitude.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
You=people who think that all gifts should be accepted humbly and kept and cherished indefinitely
Them=people who receive gifts

So you scoff at their feelings about what they want to have in their homes, but you claim that you are being thoughtful when you buy a toy with bells and whistles and lights and batteries in deliberate contradiction to what you know about them? Instead of, oh, say, buying a very small toy that does fit with everything you know about them and their way of life? Or, better, not buying a toy at all and giving something consumable, or making up a story, or offering to spend time with people you care about enough to want to give a gift to?

Your choice is to buy something that has nothing to do with them and their lives and then to get offended when they aren't 'grateful enough' that you spent money on them. And, in fact, you will be MORE offended if they remind you that whatever it is doesn't fit into their lives at all so that you can, theoretically, avoid wasting more of your money.

BRAVA on both of these, seriously. I mean, this "be effusively grateful for ANYTHING ANYONE gives you, and never donate or return it" principle? How far does that go, exactly? What if I really, really want to give a bottle of specially aged scotch to my hypothetical uncle, who has been a recovered alcoholic for 30 years? He's obligated to be grateful to me, and to be sure to keep it around because donating or regifting it would offend my generous spirit of giving?

Yes, that's an extreme example. But there are plenty of examples I can think of where people know of a family's values and deliberately go against them/ignore them. A huge package of Hickory Farms for a vegan family - those INGRATES, I can't believe they wouldn't chow down! A beautiful, personalized, leatherbound picture Bible for a Muslim family. Take the holiday context out of the picture. You're a breastfeeding mom, and Aunt Linda decides to continuously bring you cans of formula and bottles and pacifiers and onesies with "Enfamil Rocks!!!" all over them. Come on, nursing mom, be flexible! Not everyone shares your precious 'values'.

Yes, less than ideal toys are a little bit different - and to be crystal clear, like another poster upthread, I am also not talking about a one-off oops, or even an occasional oops. I'm talking about repeated, intentional affronts to values. I mean, how does what our kids play with NOT matter? Isn't play a huge part of how children learn? Isn't how children learn a huge part of being a parent? Isn't that what we're all doing here in the first place, being conscientious parents (however that takes shape for you)?

What really strikes a nerve to me, that I haven't seen discussed (maybe it has been, I just haven't seen) is how this casts YOU (i.e. the parent of the recipient) in the role of Bad Guy with your kid. Let's say you've decided you're not doing video games in your household. Then Grandpa, who knows this, comes over with a deluxe X-Box and 10 new games. Your kids are thrilled. So, because you don't feel that you are obligated to _completely change your own values_ due to Grandpa's generosity, the onus is on you to take the games away from your kids. THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE GRINCH, GRANDPA. And on top of that, now that my kids are pissed at me, we're not even allowed to donate the game to a family who would really appreciate it? _I. Don't Get. It._

Rant over. Thanks for indulging me. (Can you tell I have some issues with my in-laws?)


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Great post, RoseDuperre!!!!


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

This is the OP. May I just say thank you?!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude to the people who posted about how offensive it is to donate the unwanted items, but donations are a kind and thoughtful thing to do in my book.

There are so many families and individuals who could actually use donated items (maybe not so much toys but certainly for families with children that is the case).

To let them sit in my closet or basement or, worse, throw them away is just wasteful.

I'm not going to do that. I'll donate and be glad to do so.

Also, yes, it does seem sort of rude to buy things they know we won't use, won't like, and don't believe in, and then direct ill feelings towards us (me) when we donate them.

The first year it happened, I accepted with a polite smile but made what I thought were maybe comments about what types of toys and clothing I buy, giving not so obvious hints and also explaining reasons. Well, that just went right over their heads.

The next year I explained that no, we really do not have room and maybe instead get these items. Again, that was pretty much dismissed.

Third year I just repeated, and now subsequent years I'm donating! And not feeling bad about it in the least.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoseDuperre* 
Yes. This. Thank you.

BRAVA on both of these, seriously. I mean, this "be effusively grateful for ANYTHING ANYONE gives you, and never donate or return it" principle? How far does that go, exactly? What if I really, really want to give a bottle of specially aged scotch to my hypothetical uncle, who has been a recovered alcoholic for 30 years? He's obligated to be grateful to me, and to be sure to keep it around because donating or regifting it would offend my generous spirit of giving?

Yes, that's an extreme example. But there are plenty of examples I can think of where people know of a family's values and deliberately go against them/ignore them. A huge package of Hickory Farms for a vegan family - those INGRATES, I can't believe they wouldn't chow down! A beautiful, personalized, leatherbound picture Bible for a Muslim family. Take the holiday context out of the picture. You're a breastfeeding mom, and Aunt Linda decides to continuously bring you cans of formula and bottles and pacifiers and onesies with "Enfamil Rocks!!!" all over them. Come on, nursing mom, be flexible! Not everyone shares your precious 'values'.

Yes, less than ideal toys are a little bit different - and to be crystal clear, like another poster upthread, I am also not talking about a one-off oops, or even an occasional oops. I'm talking about repeated, intentional affronts to values. I mean, how does what our kids play with NOT matter? Isn't play a huge part of how children learn? Isn't how children learn a huge part of being a parent? Isn't that what we're all doing here in the first place, being conscientious parents (however that takes shape for you)?

What really strikes a nerve to me, that I haven't seen discussed (maybe it has been, I just haven't seen) is how this casts YOU (i.e. the parent of the recipient) in the role of Bad Guy with your kid. Let's say you've decided you're not doing video games in your household. Then Grandpa, who knows this, comes over with a deluxe X-Box and 10 new games. Your kids are thrilled. So, because you don't feel that you are obligated to _completely change your own values_ due to Grandpa's generosity, the onus is on you to take the games away from your kids. THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE GRINCH, GRANDPA. And on top of that, now that my kids are pissed at me, we're not even allowed to donate the game to a family who would really appreciate it? _I. Don't Get. It._

Rant over. Thanks for indulging me. (Can you tell I have some issues with my in-laws?)


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoseDuperre* 

What really strikes a nerve to me, that I haven't seen discussed (maybe it has been, I just haven't seen) is how this casts YOU (i.e. the parent of the recipient) in the role of Bad Guy with your kid. Let's say you've decided you're not doing video games in your household. Then Grandpa, who knows this, comes over with a deluxe X-Box and 10 new games. Your kids are thrilled. So, because you don't feel that you are obligated to _completely change your own values_ due to Grandpa's generosity, the onus is on you to take the games away from your kids. THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE GRINCH, GRANDPA. And on top of that, now that my kids are pissed at me, we're not even allowed to donate the game to a family who would really appreciate it? _I. Don't Get. It._

Rant over. Thanks for indulging me. (Can you tell I have some issues with my in-laws?)










Yeah. Exactly. Especially when it's not the first time the issue has come up. And let's face it, many kids will go crazy over the battery operated bells and whistles toys. It's just not fair to do that to a kid.

It reminds me sort of a family who is tv free. They are raising their 4 children tv free and have been for years. But when they go to their inlaws, the grandpa always turns on the tv and tries to get the kids to watch it and shows them cartoons and says aren't these cartoons great? Just think if you could watch these at home?

My inlaws aren't quite that overt, but sometimes they border on it. For instance, other than the toy issues, we've had two other issues sort of along this vein.

I decided we would not use a pacifier with our infant. ...for philosophical reasons but also because we had trouble with latch and breastfeeding and the breastfeeding consultant said to not use one.

I talked at length to my mother-in-law about that and when I took some powerful pain relievers after my c-section and fell asleep for about 20 minutes I woke up and my infant had a pacifier!

Another instance is that I am vegetarian. I have been for years. I expressed that I might raise our child vegetarian and my father in law said something like "if my grandchild comes to our house I'm serving hamburgers and that's that."

I don't think they've ever actually done that, but they've never really had the opportunity to do so.

I don't know...there's just a general lack of respect for my (our) values.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I don't know...there's just a general lack of respect for my (our) values.









This is the heart of the problem, the unwanted gifts are just a symptom. Maybe this is what your DH should address with his parents, if he hasn't already. If he has addressed it, then it needs to be repeated over and over and over again every time they step out of line.

It's tough dealing with family that intentionally tries to undermine your parenting. We've been dealing with it for 8 years. We have finally just about got them to a level that is tollerable. Good luck!


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 

I don't know...there's just a general lack of respect for my (our) values.









I understand the sentiment here

but I admit I am a little confused. How is having this big truck a lack of respect for your values?

I understand the having to many of one thing issue, but that seem, to me, like more of a lack of paying attention, or something more then a values thing.

Big trucks, while a PITA space wise seem pretty normal and unabtrusive. In the its a truck way, not the I have 7 and thats enough way.

What about a "hey can he get something other then a truck cause he still has all the others kind of question?

And before anyone jumps on me I am not being rude I am trully trying to understand how a truck is combine with values. I mean a gun or weapon I could totally understand, but a truck?


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I understand the sentiment here

but I admit I am a little confused. How is having this big truck a lack of respect for your values?

I understand the having to many of one thing issue, but that seem, to me, like more of a lack of paying attention, or something more then a values thing.

Big trucks, while a PITA space wise seem pretty normal and unabtrusive. In the its a truck way, not the I have 7 and thats enough way.

What about a "hey can he get something other then a truck cause he still has all the others kind of question?

And before anyone jumps on me I am not being rude I am trully trying to understand how a truck is combine with values. I mean a gun or weapon I could totally understand, but a truck?

I would equate the general wastefulness of with a value I dislike. Frugality and environmental consciousness are values I abide by, so having multiples of something is against those values.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
I would equate the general wastefulness of with a value I dislike. Frugality and environmental consciousness are values I abide by, so having multiples of something is against those values.

So its better to be rude and shun gifts and family members then have more then one truck? That seems worse then having 7 trucks.

Mind you this comes from someone who values my families (ALL of them) feelings over anything else. Multiple toys isn't something to get worked up over. Its something you say "hey thanks, great truck, we still have the other 6 you bought too. I think thats enough" and then you move on and donate or not donate. Its not a waist to give a gift, its waistful to throw away family over something so silly.

As I said though in our home there is never an issue with that. Now we treasure what little we have, and before we always got rid of the old toys for these occasions. We gave them to other family, free cycled them, thrift store, schools. daycare, shelters. Where ever they were needed more.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
What about a "hey can he get something other then a truck cause he still has all the others kind of question?

And before anyone jumps on me I am not being rude I am trully trying to understand how a truck is combine with values. I mean a gun or weapon I could totally understand, but a truck?

Hey, no problem! I will not jump on you!







Yes, a gun or weapon is more obvious.

The issue with the trucks is the size (large), the amount (let's see...I've lost count...but quite a few year after year), the repetitive nature of the gift (again, year after year), and the (values thing here) fact that they are battery operated, bells and whistles, loud, "male gender" oriented (the truck, in a man's voice says, "let's load 'em up, guys" or something like that.

We've said the "hey, how about something else this year" and one year it sort of worked but it was back to the same old thing this year...large plastic battery operated trucks, etc.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do? It's not the biggest deal on earth. I mean, an earthquake just hit Haiti. That's a tragedy. This is small potatoes and I care less and less about it, especially after I've donated the stuff.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
I would equate the general wastefulness of with a value I dislike. Frugality and environmental consciousness are values I abide by, so having multiples of something is against those values.

Yes, thank you. Having multiples (clutter) and not using something when someone else could (letting it sit in a basement, garage, or closet) is against my values.

So, I donate. And I bet someone else finds a use for them.

Just as when I shop at thrift stores, I find use in something someone else couldn't find a use in. It's a lovely system.


















But when inlaws get upset that multiple or inappropriate for us toys are donated, it's difficult to deal with.

And when they continue buying those things, even when they've gentle, subtly, and not so subtly been told to please stop, that is also difficult to navigate.

And, yes, sometimes it feels like it's maybe a passive aggressive attempt to change our values, or to dismiss them as stupid. (As much has been said).


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
So its better to be rude and shun gifts and family members then have more then one truck? That seems worse then having 7 trucks.

Mind you this comes from someone who values my families (ALL of them) feelings over anything else. Multiple toys isn't something to get worked up over. Its something you say "hey thanks, great truck, we still have the other 6 you bought too. I think thats enough" and then you move on and donate or not donate. Its not a waist to give a gift, its waistful to throw away family over something so silly.

As I said though in our home there is never an issue with that. Now we treasure what little we have, and before we always got rid of the old toys for these occasions. We gave them to other family, free cycled them, thrift store, schools. daycare, shelters. Where ever they were needed more.

I am trying to see your point, and it is probably how my inlaws see this, too.

I wish I could come up with a good example. OK, let me try this. I am vegetarian. They are not. What if I bought them a vegetarian cook book every year for Christmas, and then I asked them, "did you use it? where is it? what did you cook? how come all the vegetarian cook books aren't displayed where I can see them? why don't you want it?" And then maybe they explain politely, well, we're not vegetarians, but thank you. And then I just repeat the same questions I asked the first time, "did you use it? where is it? what did you cook? ..."

And then I buy them a vegetarian cookbook for the next 10 Christmases. And what if they live in an apartment with say only one book case and they want to store some of their own books on the shelves and they donate the vegetarian cook books to thrift store and a person who is a vegetarian buys them and uses them and loves them? But I get mad about that and just keep buying them more vegetarian cook books every Christmas.

And they finally say, look, we're not vegetarians. We're not going to use the vegetarian cookbooks and we have like 15 of them from you. Please don't buy us more vegetarian cookbooks. You were upset when we donated the last few, so, here, please take these ones with you and store them at your house.

And I get really mad, say some things like "it's so hard to buy you presents, we just don't understand, you make things so complicated, what is wrong with the vegetarian cook books?"

And even though I've had this conversation with them, the next Christmas I still buy another vegetarian cookbook...and buy a vegetarian cookbook for each of their birthdays, too!










Obviously, it's not exactly the same, but hopefully you see my point.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
I am trying to see your point, and it is probably how my inlaws see this, too.

I wish I could come up with a good example. OK, let me try this. I am vegetarian. They are not. What if I bought them a vegetarian cook book every year for Christmas, and then I asked them, "did you use it? where is it? what did you cook? how come all the vegetarian cook books aren't displayed where I can see them? why don't you want it?" And then maybe they explain politely, well, we're not vegetarians, but thank you. And then I just repeat the same questions I asked the first time, "did you use it? where is it? what did you cook? ..."

And then I buy them a vegetarian cookbook for the next 10 Christmases. And what if they live in an apartment with say only one book case and they want to store some of their own books on the shelves and they donate the vegetarian cook books to thrift store and a person who is a vegetarian buys them and uses them and loves them? But I get mad about that and just keep buying them more vegetarian cook books every Christmas.

And they finally say, look, we're not vegetarians. We're not going to use the vegetarian cookbooks and we have like 15 of them from you. Please don't buy us more vegetarian cookbooks. You were upset when we donated the last few, so, here, please take these ones with you and store them at your house.

And I get really mad, say some things like "it's so hard to buy you presents, we just don't understand, you make things so complicated, what is wrong with the vegetarian cook books?"

And even though I've had this conversation with them, the next Christmas I still buy another vegetarian cookbook...and buy a vegetarian cookbook for each of their birthdays, too!










Obviously, it's not exactly the same, but hopefully you see my point.


No sorry I don't. Its not even close to the same. A large truck is something ALL kids love. Boys and girls so its not the same as trying to push something they don't like. If your SON disliked trucks then maybe. But its not your son who has the issue with the gift its you.

If it worked once to ask for something else then it can work again. No need for a big talk though, just a nice suggestion. Something non confrontational and non picky.

Sometimes people need to be told more then once.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
No sorry I don't. Its not even close to the same. A large truck is something ALL kids love. Boys and girls so its not the same as trying to push something they don't like. If your SON disliked trucks then maybe. But its not your son who has the issue with the gift its you.

If it worked once to ask for something else then it can work again. No need for a big talk though, just a nice suggestion. Something non confrontational and non picky.

Sometimes people need to be told more then once.









Oh, very true. I hear you.

It's not ONE big truck, though. It's multiple big trucks, multiple years. It's big ride on ones, multiple years.

They've been asked, hinted at, asked again, and it's been both nicely and politely and more firm. It's been an ongoing issue.

Things that we didn't want or need, I donate. They have asked where the things are, though, of course.

With the big trucks, yes, it's what they're made out of and the sounds, etc, but also space. It takes A LOT of space to have all those big trucks underfoot in the living room.

But they've all been donated. It was actually a good lesson to my child about children who are less fortunate. We talked about how other kids would have fun playing with the trucks and then we picked out one new toy at the toy store to repace the 10 or so that were donated.

We're sort of minimalist in all other things in life, and I've been working on clutter for a long, long time, so it just doesn't make a lot of sense for us to have that many multiple toys.









Sorry if you don't see my point. Thanks for the comment!


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

its not that I don't understand your point, I just think that the trucks are a bad way to make them.

I also can see this from your IL's POV, which is your son loves the trucks. Therefor they're trying to make your SON happy and they get him what he loves. You mentioned they don't come often, its possible they didn't know you still had all the other trucks still NWIM??

As your son gets older HE can ask for things, and I'm sure they're accomidate them.

This is on value that I see family trumping only because from my POV family value will always be higher then any other. So for us, with little family left, they're more importent then if they got the right gift.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 

This is on value that I see family trumping only because from my POV family value will always be higher then any other. So for us, with little family left, they're more importent then if they got the right gift.

But why, from your POV, should the gift giver be afforded respect and not the receiptent of the gift?

Family ties should definitely be valued, I agree with you there. But that also includes the gift giver respecting the wishes of the parents and respecting how they chose to conduct their own family life. That means that if the parents say no more trucks please (whether it be because of size, noise, plastic, MIC, whatever), then the gift giver should at least make an attempt to abide.

You personally may not understand the big deal about trucks as gifts, but then again your personal values may be different from the OPs. You are making the assumption that the child's love of big trucks and the grandparents desire to please the child trumps the value system of the family as a whole. In your assumption, the respect for family ties goes only one way--to the gift giver.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I also can see this from your IL's POV, which is your son loves the trucks. Therefor they're trying to make your SON happy and they get him what he loves.

As your son gets older HE can ask for things, and I'm sure they're accomidate them.

Thanks. I appreciate your attempts to see their point of view.

I'm not sure my little one loves the trucks, though, and this is why they buy them. I mean kids tend to go ga ga to anything that is presented to them (at this age) including empty boxes and wrapping paper.

Yes, my child is definitely attracted to the lights, sounds, buttons...what kid isn't drawn in by this?

I'm sure if my in-laws raided the candy store and brought 10 giant candy bars to my child as a gift, my child would go ga ga over that, too. But would that be healthy? It might be fun, but is it a good thing for grandparents to do?

My point is my child doesn't need that many trucks (just one example, might be getting to hung up on the trucks) but does need other things, and the nature of the gifts is that they are repetitive and not what we need.









So, that is the exasperation...not be listened to, not being respected in our choices and values, and then not being allowed in a gracious manner to donate what we don't see as fit for our house and our family. It just creates issues with DH, my child, me, everyone involved. If they listened better or were more thoughtful in what they did, it would be better.

But it is what it is.

A month or so later, it doesn't matter. It's a non-issue and not that important, as I said earlier.

Haiti is important. THIS is a tiny mosquito that will hopefully fly off and not bother us again for some time.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
But why, from your POV, should the gift giver be afforded respect and not the receiptent of the gift?

Family ties should definitely be valued, I agree with you there. But that also includes the gift giver respecting the wishes of the parents and respecting how they chose to conduct their own family life. That means that if the parents say no more trucks please (whether it be because of size, noise, plastic, MIC, whatever), then the gift giver should at least make an attempt to abide.

You personally may not understand the big deal about trucks as gifts, but then again your personal values may be different from the OPs. You are making the assumption that the child's love of big trucks and the grandparents desire to please the child trumps the value system of the family as a whole. In your assumption, the respect for family ties goes only one way--to the gift giver.


Thank you.

This is exactly my point of view.

And now I'm moving on to other things...a month later, this is such an unimportant issue and non-existent problem. Yes, it is annoying when it happens, and, yes, it's a missed opportunity to spend the dollars more wisely on things we actually need and could use, but it's not my call, and if they want to waste their money, then that is their choice.

The toys will be used by someone, and so it's not a loss.

Not a huge deal, just a small disappointment, easily forgotten.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
But why, from your POV, should the gift giver be afforded respect and not the receiptent of the gift?


I think she's viewing the son as the recipient (which is true) rather than his mom. If he enjoys the truck, that's important, too. I view parenting, especially when my ideas come into conflict with extended family's ideas, as a balancing act. At some point, I give on some things because it will help the overall relationship develop; at other times, I step in and put our household values first.

My dad bought my son an ESPN t-ball machine last year. Though I *love* sports, it's not something I push on my son (and really isnt' something he shows interest in). Still, I chose not to say anything to my dad and let DS enjoy the t-ball machine for a week or 2 until he got tired of it. I could've donated it, but it was better for me for my son to get to play with the toy his grandpa bought him. My dad's terminally ill. There may not be any Christmases left with him, and I'm not going to go head-to-head over a values difference in a toy.

Now if someone bought my daughter a Bratz doll, then that crosses that imaginary line for me that says 'no, these aren't the values we're teaching our daughter.' So I wouldn't let her have it, and I'd explain that to the giver.

It seems in this situation that you need to sort out the various issues you have: giving a truck (though I honestly think you're limited in how you think trucks can be played with - they're more open-ended than you suggest); getting multiples of the same items; and general disrespect for your space and emotional needs. Even with the multiple trucks, I wouldn't like it, but lots of folks do. I know families with 10 or so riding toys for their kids; we just have different values. If your ILs don't see you often, then perhaps they truly don't understand that you don't want the trucks. Also keep in mind that some people say "no, please don't get us that," but they don't mean it. They're saying it to be polite. Your ILs really may misunderstand what is going on. (Some people don't do well with hints!)


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I think she's viewing the son as the recipient (which is true) rather than his mom.

Right. The son is the ultimate recipient of the gift. However, that doesn't automatically mean that the son's likes or desires trump everything else. The child is part of family and, as you said, there needs to be balance. The parents of the child ultimately get to decide what values they want to raise their children with. If that means no plastic, no battery operated toys, no made in China stuff, then that is the parent's decision, and the parent's alone, to make. What I am saying is that, while it is admirable that the grandparents want to make their grandchild happy, sometimes there are other considerations to take into account. I think that the parent's wishes need to be respected as well.


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## Kuba'sMama (Oct 8, 2004)

I have had a very similar situation with MIL as well. It's not about being snobby or hurtful. It's really about HATING to throw the gifts from grandma out, that's why we make "suggestions" on what to buy.
As an example; when my SPD son was 2.5 and terrified of the vacuum cleaner, blender, etc and loved nothing more than his plastic dinosaurs and Duplo blocks, he got one of those battery powered ride-on Jeeps for Christmas (the huge, 2 kid one). Uhm, hello? he's afraid of a 3-inch meowing stuffed cat. Oh, and we lived in a 2nd-floor walk up, 1 bedroom, 600 square foot apartment. So that Jeep was about the size of half our living room. And I was 7 months pregnant. And it was winter in Canada. And MIL was so hurt and baffled as to why it would be a "stay at grandma's house" toy. So I do get it.
By the way that Jeep was poignantly placed in the middle of their living room of their huge house (with a garage and backyard and all) for about 2 years. Just to show me it could be done? I don't know.


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