# 12 year old DS wants to be a girl



## mommamuff (Mar 11, 2006)

My son has been discussing how he feels like he was born in the wrong body, and how he wishes he was a girl. I'm totally supportive of his all choices, but I'm unsure on how to proceed.

He has always been a very boyish kid, regardless of the gender neutral toys we went with at first he has always gravitated towards trucks and other standard stuff. (not that everyone can't love trucks and stuff) He did the typical gender experiments at 3-4 dressing in skirts and such, and quickly decided that wasn't his cup of tea and we haven't had any indication he was feeling/thinking this way until a few days ago. 

I haven't really said much to him other than offering to go pick out some new fancy clothes and telling him we love him no matter what, I kinda want to wait and see if this a phase again, but every morning when I sit by him and we do our wake up chat he tells me unprovoked that he is sad about being a boy and he wants to build a time machine to go back and fix his DNA before he was born to be a girl. 

Any insight would be lovely.


----------



## pokeyac (Apr 1, 2011)

That is a tough situation. It sounds like you are handling it well. PFLAG may be a good place to start as they have local chapters. I also found this site that has a lot of resources on this page.


----------



## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

I agree, tough situation. I also agree that it sounds like you are handling it really well.

There may some urgency to dealing with this, but you also don't want to start an entire cascade of interventions if this is just a bit of peri-adolescent confusion. You said it's been just a few days that he's been expressing this? I think if you had an 8- or 10-year-old who was suddenly stating the same thing, you'd have plenty of time to just be supportive of gender fluidity and see how things play out over time. On the other hand if you had a 12-year-old who had been gender-dysphoric for as far back as anyone could remember, it would make sense to start down the road to possible hormonal suppression of puberty.

But in your situation you've got a mix of urgency (impending puberty, which can 'cement' the physical expression of gender) and the possibility of the gender dysphoria being in flux, "just a phase" or whatever.

My inclination would be to start searching for a clinic that has counsellors experienced with gender dysphoria in children. I wouldn't want to send alarmist signals to my kid, or imply that there's something wrong with him/her. But just to say "These feelings can be hard to deal with, and I'm no expert, so let's find someone who has helped a lot of similar kids to help both of us."

The Trans Youth Family Allies website looks like a really good resource. I imagine it would be really helpful in educating you and helping you suss out experienced counsellors, support networks, health care practitioners etc. as needed. This site also mentions group meetings, support and playgroups resources in Phoenix if there's nothing closer.

Good luck!

Miranda


----------



## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Well, I give you props for being such an open-minded parent and listening to your son. Seems like it's something he wants to talk with you about and it sounds like perhaps it could be that he is making comparisons on the difference between being a girl and being a boy. The type of toys don't make the gender and experimenting in trying out girl clothes and accessories is mere curiosity. I remember my brother wanted barrettes in his hair because I was wearing barrettes and would play Barbie with me, sometimes. He's an A-typical, cocky straight as straight can be, married man now. I'm going through something along the lines of your situation with my daughter and she admits she doesn't really understand or know where she stands on her sexuality. She has come out as bi, but is questioning that. She's said she feels more like a boy and is inclined to veer towards a more gender neutral, conservative way of dressing and playing. However, she does tend to wear make-up and do something's that are considered girly. I have listened and given as much support as I possibly can. I've come to realize that is all they need. Just someone there to listen and answer their questions. I wouldn't look into anything major, such as starting a gender switch with hormones, but perhaps you can discuss with your son what he thinks the next should be or if he wants to talk to someone who can help him understand a bit more about what he is feeling.


----------



## amiemarie7 (Feb 25, 2008)

I would just be supportive but at the same time not overly encourage. While I understand many people may truly feel they are more happy living the opposite gender, at this moment media is shoving it down everyone's throat. I would be cautious to make make sure he isn't getting confused at this very delicate time of puberty with Caitlyn and how great it is on every magazine shelf. I do believe children can also confuse being gay with gender identity. As a child not really understanding sex and sexuality, I would want to make sure he isn't having feelings towards boys and then thinking he should be a girl. These years are so co fusing as it is, but you should be very patient and keep communication going to see where this goes longterm instead of rushing into any decisions.


----------



## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

I agree with moominmama. It may be wise to find a counselor who is trained on gender dysphoria to help everyone talk through this. 

Having several transgendered friends, I suspect that your son is not actually transgendered. From my experience, people who are truly transgendered usually exhibit the signs from a very early age, and do not have strong gender assignment choices that you are describing from your son. But it has become trendy these days to be gender fluid, and that can be really confusing for a a kid in puberty trying to define who they are or want to be.

Have you asked him what is it about being a girl that he identifies with? 

But in any case, a counselor would be a great asset to help all of you navigate and explore this.


----------



## ponyacha193 (Mar 23, 2021)

Hoho)


----------

