# consequences for "accidents"



## katarn (Apr 23, 2005)

I'm so sick of potty training!!!! arrrghh

first of all this is the boy who was staying dry at night at like 12 mo. He's gone in huge waves of being great with the potty to not so great.. just a couple of monthes ago I decided he was trained he'll be three on may 11th. He was doing great!!

Now yesterday he pooped in his pants and tried taking care of it and got poop all over his room..









he pooped again in his jammies this morning.. then he pee on his bedroom floor... I'm sooo done with this. I just want to scream..

I've never punished him for accidents before... the only consequence has been having to take his own pants off and put them in the diaper pail and put new pants on.

but now I'm thinking a time-out wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.. he responds really well to time outs.. he goes sits down and doesn't scream he just accepts it.. and at the same time it helps to stamp out unwanted behavior. so he must not like it that much.

I've always read not to discipline accidents when potty training.. but i've been doing this for over a year and i've had it..

what do you think


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## thixle (Sep 26, 2007)

Take a deep breath.
Help clean up.
Repeat.

Punishments and potty training just don't mix.
Could he be ill?


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## emmasmommy (Feb 26, 2004)

I agree, punishing for accidents is not a good idea. Unfortunately I know from experience. DD1 had accidents on and off until she was just over 5. Punishing (or even just yelling in frustration - that was mostly the case as we tried hard not to punish her, but it's really frustrating when your 5yo is still having accidents!) just made things worse.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thixle* 
Take a deep breath.
Help clean up.
Repeat.

Punishments and potty training just don't mix.
Could he be ill?









:

Sorry.










-Angela


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I wouldn't do that, the only thing that will SURELY come of it is it will make things worse.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

He's still really young. I'd go to pull ups and still let him practice on the potty if you're that frustrated. I know the frustration but don't take it out on him.... it takes a lot of practice for kids to learn and they don't get it 100% right away. Accidents happen and you need to stay positive. Hang in there!

I think you should have a reality check that potty learning could take another 6 months. I like pet cleaner (like Simple Solution or Nature's Miracle) for cleaning up accidents. I think it's a lot of a little progress, a little setback, a little progress, etc. etc. Be patient. If you start making it a big deal that really doesn't work, IMO.


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## WhaleinGaloshes (Oct 9, 2006)

I urge you to reconsider punishing for potty accidents.

I have lasting physical issues (namely chronic pelvic pain) associated with the potty training used on me, that assumed I was purely making a choice to not get to the toilet and could therefore be "punished" out of it.

Controlling elimination is a physiological function that calls on all kinds of physical processes. It can't be handled the same as coloring on the walls. He will mature out of it if you handle it gently and matter-of-factly.


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## mamasee (Dec 1, 2007)

Katarn,
I notice from your signature that your ds has a younger sibling. Also, it sounded like he is peeing / pooping while alone in his room, yes? I'm just pondering whether he might be vying for some attention from mama and getting it. Not in a conscious way, but it may be a piece of the puzzle that you two are working on together.
I was comforted to see the replies from others to take deep breaths and not make a big deal of it. I'm sure that is easier said than done, but would be worth the immense effort it might take on your part.


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## tynme (May 28, 2006)

My DS Is 27 months, and has been trained for almost a year, we also have gone through really good times and not so good times. We have never punished, but we do talk about it. My ds doesn't know how to take his pants down, so part of what our problem was that he didn't know how to tell us. We help model words to use potty, we talk about accidents, and sometimes they happen, we say "oh mannnn, that's ok, nice try". I think the biggest thing is tolerance, don't punish, and don't revert back to diapers because, from what I have read, that basically undoe's all that has been done. Make since? Lol. Good luck!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

When my kids were toilet-learning and having tons of accidents, I sometimes had a "two pairs of underwear per day" rule. Wake up, put on undies when you get dressed. If you have one accident, we'd get you a fresh change of clothes. A 2nd accident and you needed a diaper/pullup for the rest of the day. Even if you stayed dry all day, putting on a diaper or pullup is part of changing into pajamas at that stage of the game.

This encouraged the child to use the toilet and stay dry, but minimized the mess if I was getting overwhelmed with constant cleanup for a child who just wasn't ready to use the toilet that day.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
When my kids were toilet-learning and having tons of accidents, I sometimes had a "two pairs of underwear per day" rule. Wake up, put on undies when you get dressed. If you have one accident, we'd get you a fresh change of clothes. A 2nd accident and you needed a diaper/pullup for the rest of the day. Even if you stayed dry all day, putting on a diaper or pullup is part of changing into pajamas at that stage of the game.

This encouraged the child to use the toilet and stay dry, but minimized the mess if I was getting overwhelmed with constant cleanup for a child who just wasn't ready to use the toilet that day.

We had a similar rule for potty learning and it worked well. Both of my older boys, once ready, were accident-free within about 2 weeks.

I'd never punish for accidents.


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## LeighB (Jan 17, 2008)

Please don't punish for accidents! I have a 3.5 year old who lives with me who was punished for accidents and now refuses to go to the bathroom. He HAS to have on diapers.
Your son is young still, and at an age where lots of things are happening. Just stick with him and he'll get it again.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Potty regression is completely normal. I think it's really sweet he tried to help out by cleaning up after pooping.

My two year olds were not out of my sight. At 3 they occasionally play/ed in another room for a minute or two, but not long enough to do any real harm to themselves or the room.

Can you keep him close until he's closer to 4?


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katarn* 
but now I'm thinking a time-out wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.. he responds really well to time outs.. he goes sits down and doesn't scream he just accepts it.. and at the same time it helps to stamp out unwanted behavior. so he must not like it that much.

I find that really sad. It doesn't fix the problems, either. You may be able to manipulate him to stop the behaviors you don't want, but you aren't addressing the reasons for the behaviors happening in the first place.


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## desertwind (Mar 21, 2008)

My DD was totally potty trained at 2.5 and of coarse had a few accidents... my mom always reminded me that 'accidents happen' and its no big deal, which I agree with.... and then at 3.5 she totally started poopy accidents and then pee accidents like all the time. I encouraged her and supported her, never scolding, never punishing and we got through it in a couple of weeks.

I think it is very, very hard for little ones to completely get it and that any kind of punishment or negative attention from it will work against you.

For some perspective... you said he would stay dry at 12 months which was probably more a stage of development than any kind of cognitive ability to control himself..... and you say YOU decided he was trained last week.... well, that is not the case. He will continue to have accidents to one degree or another for maybe even months.... just relax, it is NO big deal. Suck it up and try and understand that this is normal and he is only 3.... lots of children are still in process at this age.... for me, its all about being patient.

Good Luck


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## desertwind (Mar 21, 2008)

oh, and one more thing.... during our 'potty regression' I moved a potty into the play area so there was always a potty close by.... also, during our early stage of potty training I had a potty available in the main area of the house. Could you put a potty in his room for him? Or in a place that is easy for him.... that maybe he could help pick out?


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

I sympathize, because we have been in the same spot with dd (she'll be 3 in May, too). However, I really don't think punishment is the answer.

Maybe you just need to take a break from potty learning right now for your own sanity - do pull ups for a little while, and then come back to it.

I really think that punishment will turn it into a power struggle or a negative for him, and that won't be helpful.


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## bvnms (Apr 29, 2008)

Vicki is still wetting the bed at night. I was getting pretty frustrated with the whole situation. I'm not sure what is going on, though I think it has alot to do with what her dad did. I just make sure to have enough pull-ups to get through a month. Beverly wets at night too sometimes but I just have her wear pull-ups too every night. I found that I am not frustrated at all and I know she'll quit eventually. Mikey wet the bed till he was 8 and then just quit.
This friend of my sister has a 3 year old boy and they are trying to potty train. One day, about 4 or 5 months ago I think it was, they were over at our house and he pooped his underwear. So her boyfriend spanked him and made him sit on the couch for 10 minutes. I told him that I didn't think the baby was ready to potty train or at the least should wear pull-ups instead of underwear and that spanking him isn't going to help at all. He says that the baby stayed dry one night in underwear so that means that he's ready to potty train. I tried to tell him that it didn't mean that at all but I finally gave up. I never see them anymore but my sister still does and the baby is still not potty trained and they put him back in pull-ups all the time.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

First- I didn't try to potty-train my sons until they were past their third birthday, so I don't see that this is in any way age-inappropriate. What he has told you in the past, very clearly, is that his continence comes in waves and that sometimes he's going to have a spell of accidents. What he's telling you now is that he feels bad about one of the accidents (maybe more?) and is wanting to help clean it up and fix the mess. This is good. This is what you're aiming for.
Let it go. Don't stress about it. Have some pull-ups available to him if he decides it's too much work for him (does he get himself dressed in the morning?) but this kid of yours is doing well. If that were my boy, I'd be really proud of him.


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thixle* 
Take a deep breath.
Help clean up.
Repeat.

Punishments and potty training just don't mix.
Could he be ill?


DD has been in underwear for over a year and still has the occasional accident, typically when she isn't feeling well or is playing and very active. I don't sweat it. Just say something like, "Oops, that's all right. We all make mistakes. You were really busy, " or,"That's okay, let's get cleaned up."
I have made a point with all kids I have helped learn to use the potty (I am a childcare provider) never to give them the impression that going anywhere other than the potty is a bad thing. Just a mistake. It's okay. It can be cleaned up.


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

i'll just second all of the opinions so far.

anytime i got frustrated and yelled (never a punishment but more, why didn't you remember to go in your potty?) my ds TOTALLY regressed. it made it so much worse









and then one day after i had given up on getting him to use the potty, he decided that he didn't want to wear diapers anymore. and after that he had like two accidents at night because i didn't wake up to help him.

but seriously, it only happened *after* i had given up. he decided when he was ready.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

I have decided that putting too much of my own emotion into PLing is just going to make things worse for DS. he is almost 4 and still not completely diaper-free. I would get soooo frustrated because he would do really well for weeks at a time, and then go back to peeing and pooping wherever he felt like it for no apparent reason. Repeat ad nauseam. I finally just left it up to him. If he wants to wear big boy undies, he needs to pee and poop in the potty every time. If he can't do that, then he wears diapers. I ask him at the beginning of each day: "do you want to put on a diaper or underwear?" If he has a little accident in his undies and then rememebrs to get to the potty to let the rest out, I put a fresh pair on. If he lets loose with the whole shebang, he gets a diaper. Because honestly, as much as I am sick of diapers, I'd rather be changing them than changing a thousand pairs of underwear and pants a day.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

my ds#3 was potty trained for a good long time then all of a sudden reverted for 4 months and was full time in daipers again. I didn't shame him, I did ask him if he wanted to use diapers again and he said yes. So we did for awhile then before ds#4 was born I said how about going on the potty again and he did and has now for some time (over a year) with minimal accidents.
I would NOT give a time out. I say 3 accidents is nothing. LOL help him clean up, remind him to use the potty, maybe even say "Time to go to the bathroom" every couple hours. Pull ups might work (I saw someone suggest that) or get the heavy duty training pants. Tell him if he has an accident to come get you and not try and clean up a poop alone. Shaming in anyway (and a time out would be one) will only backfire and he might start lying to not get in trouble again.
HUGS to you, the whole bathroom thing can be crazy making.

H


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

If it is a new routine with him try not reacting at all except when he does pee in the toilet and then give him positive attention for that. Negative attention for accidents will probably make the accidents happen more often. This is especially true if you have been under any stress and he has picked that up and is seeking negative attention.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

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## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

DD is 5 and still has accidents. She just gets busy and forgets. Somedays she has more than one accident, and there is no way I would ever enforce a 2 undies a day rule, and then diapers. That, to me, would be a punishment.

Just back off, and try to be okay with him not being ready. I've had a lot of learning in this area, because both of my children weren't ready for the potty or toilet until almost 4. DS is 3.5 and has never, ever used the potty or toilet. I can't make him. It will be wonderful and exciting for him when he finally decides to do it. It took me a long time to get to this place, and I still get annoyed sometimes. But I know that, for one thing, I CAN'T force a child to potty train (in a gentle way, anyway) and the other thing is that it's so wonderful and empowering for them when they are given the control.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *desertwind* 
oh, and one more thing.... during our 'potty regression' I moved a potty into the play area so there was always a potty close by.... also, during our early stage of potty training I had a potty available in the main area of the house. Could you put a potty in his room for him? Or in a place that is easy for him.... that maybe he could help pick out?

I've got a 3 year old who's been dabbling in regression as well. I like the idea of bringing the potty(s) back. Perhaps moving to the big potty requires just a bit more of stop play....trot to big toilet....sit alone and do all these things that used to be fascinating but are now boring....wash hands and come back. Having a small potty nearby, like when she was 2, will probably help in cases where the kid uses the big toilet.

Otherwise--- I use my own eyes and internal clock to tell help me guess when DD has to go potty-- and I'm almost always thankful I have. I just told her a few minutes ago to go potty, and she had to pee and poop. If I hadn't told her to go, she'd surely have had a pee AND poop accident during her nap. If you're sick of cleaning up, resume some responsibility for when DS goes potty. Evidently, stopping fun activities to go potty can require more self-control than many potty trained 3 year olds can muster. On top of that, sometimes I think my DD is experimenting with how long she can hold it before she bursts!

xoe


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## katarn (Apr 23, 2005)

thank you everyone for your replies and support.. it has helped a lot.. For the record ...no time outs for accidents in this house.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

hang in there. the only consequence should be to help clean up the messes. You don't want a power struggle.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

I'll tell you with my DS, he could sense when I was getting aggravated and frustrated with the whole thing, and then he would get more anxious and have more trouble with getting there in time. He was also extremely interested in checking out the potty at any other place that we went and would rather go there than at home. So after we went on vacation for 3 weeks and going a lot on different potties than his own, he decided himself that he was ready and he did it. Now, if the same strategy will only work for DD....


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thixle* 
Take a deep breath.
Help clean up.
Repeat.

Punishments and potty training just don't mix.
Could he be ill?









:


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I'm sure everyone is telling you not to punish, and I must agree.

But I know how frustrating it is. My son decided he wanted to use the potty the day after his 3rd b'day and never had a pee accident, ever. Poop? Another story. He would hide behind the couch and go on a rug.







:

I just stuck with it, and he did about 6 months later start going poop on the potty. He never regressed, but as I understand that's pretty normal, esp with a younger sibling in the picture.

My best advise is to remember that it can be cleaned, and that the less of a deal you make of it, the sooner he'll get to where he does it on his own.


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## smudge (Jul 16, 2005)

Wow, I really needed this thread today. I am in the midst of PT DD1 who is 31mos. She had a huge pee accident right after I asked her if it was potty time yet. She screams NO and runs off, only to come back a minute later with wet panties. I lost control.
So thank you everyone for your tips and I am just going to blow off the accidents. I think she does get playing too hard and just forgets; and she likes to think potty time is her idea, not mine.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I see from your sig that we're talking about an almost three year old. My older two weren't totally out of diapers until several months after turning three. They both still occasionally have accidents.

While it's frustrating and I hate cleaning it up as much as the next person, I would say that punishment for toileting accidents is completely inappropriate.


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## smudge (Jul 16, 2005)

Umm, yes I know. I have already done enough self-flaggelation over it, so thanks....


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