# DH pushed DS



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

DS and DH were sitting on the couch this morning. DH was feeding DS yogurt. DS got upset about something and started kicking and crying. Since he was sitting between DH's legs, he ended up kicking him right in the balls. DH pushed him hard enough to toss him back onto the couch cushion. He wasn't hurt, he just fell back onto the cushion, but it scared him because Daddy got angry, raised his voice, and pushed him. I comforted DS and immediately told DH not to push DS and made him apologize. I think it was just a knee-jerk reaction to being kicked in the nuts, but it bothered me, especially since DS is so small.

It probably won't happen again, but I needed to vent and some hugs.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane*
DS and DH were sitting on the couch this morning. DH was feeding DS yogurt. DS got upset about something and started kicking and crying. Since he was sitting between DH's legs, he ended up kicking him right in the balls. DH pushed him hard enough to toss him back onto the couch cushion. He wasn't hurt, he just fell back onto the cushion, but it scared him because Daddy got angry, raised his voice, and pushed him. I comforted DS and immediately told DH not to push DS and made him apologize. I think it was just a knee-jerk reaction to being kicked in the nuts, but it bothered me, especially since DS is so small.

It probably won't happen again, but I needed to vent and some hugs.

Umm... he got KICKED in the BALLS. I would not be ticked off at a knee jerk reaction to something like that. I wouldnt FORCE DH to apologize either. I'd go comfort my child and then when DC is calm and DH has had time to recoup and have a sense that it's all ok "down there" I'd ask him to please explain to DC what happened and why and whether he was sorry.

I wouldnt immediately reprimand my husband for something like an instant reaction to getting kicked in the balls!!


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## uberwench (Jul 25, 2003)

oooh, hugs to you and your DS...and probably DH, sho probably feels bad about it as well.

My DS and DH have had the same experience, and DH felt monstrously bad about it afterwards - it really is a knee-jerk reaction thing i think, but not being male and not having testicles it was still really hard for me to "get" - all i could think was "DS has bitten me _on the nipple_ and I didn't push him, what's your problem??!!!"


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## lunasmommy (Jun 30, 2005)

:

My dd has this thing that she does where she'll shove her elbow right into my breast at a perfect spot where it KILLS me, and I do admit that I have pushed her off me when it has happened because if I dont it will just keep hurting. So to a point I understand, but i'd just have him explain to your son what happened.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose*
Umm... he got KICKED in the BALLS. I would not be ticked off at a knee jerk reaction to something like that. I would FORCE DH to apologize either. I'd go comfort my child and then when DC is calm and DH has had time to recoup and have a sense that it's all ok "down there" I'd ask him to please explain to DC what happened and why and whether he was sorry.

I wouldnt immediately reprimand my husband for something like an instant reaction to getting kicked in the balls!!


I am with you. It is not like the poor guy threw the child to the floor or slapped him.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

i agree with the PP's dont be to harsh on your dh, its a knee jerk reaction.....I have pulled ds away from me and yelled when he has bitten me, its a shock/pain thing.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I am with you. It is not like the poor guy threw the child to the floor or slapped him.

No kidding. Cripes, by the title of the thread I was expecting to read some horrible thing where the DH pushed the kid just to push or was ticked off for NO reason....

getting kicked in the balls is a pretty valid reason.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Yeah, I think this is one time the pushing may be understandable.







to all 3 of you!


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I'm sure it was upsetting for everyone. He pushed him toward a sofa cushion? I would assume he was acting with tremendous restraint. I'm sure he felt as bad as you, if not more. I would not be upset with my dh over that. I'm sure it was a knee jerk reaction. Sounds like he was just moving him quickly out of the way, not trying to punish or hurt him...


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

s as requested!

Ps: Look at the last line in your siggy


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

DS is too little to understand explainations, and I believe in apologizing when we make mistakes, even if they were made accidentally.

My thanks to those who were supportive.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Just a thought: my dh would probably be helped by a suggestion that he not hold the baby that way anymore (though to many people it might seem obvious). He's a smart man, but he doesn't always consider these things-- he spent about 6 months getting clocked in the chin by my dd's head on a fairly regular basis before he realized he didn't need to hold her on his lap to help her with her shoes.

In his defense, he's helped me to recognize my own dumb habits.

((Hugs))

ZM


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:

DS is too little to understand explainations
i just wanted to say, i dont think thats true....my ds is younger than yours, and he understands simple explanations like "hurts mommie/daddy, say sorry and give hugs" and he has done that since he was 8mths old.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

I commend your DH for having that much restraint for getting kicked in the testicles...seriously.

acctually having the brain to think clearly enough to look for a soft spot for your DS to land depsite the pain he was in...I know MANY men who wouldn't be able to think that clearly when that situation arises. My own DH, who has, done the exact same thing to my DD when she has kicked/punched/headbutted him in the testicles. Soft landing spot, kid wont get physically hurt. My DD thought it was fun to be honest...but of course she has an odd sense of humour....daddy tosses her onto the couch cusions as a regular part of her play and she loves it.

To be honest you should be lucky he didn't drop your DS on the floor.


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

To clarify, he wasn't thinking about DS's safety when he pushed him onto the couch cushion, they were already sitting on the couch and he just pushed him backwards. I understand that getting kicked in the testicles hurts, but I've had DS bust my nose and lip, take a bite out of my nipple, kick me in the ribs, etc, and I NEVER pushed him and rarely raised my voice. I don't think there's any excuse for violence, however mild, even if you do get kicked. It wasn't even that hard, DS's legs aren't long enough to kick him hard from where he was sitting, it was just a tap and DH was in a pissy mood.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Ok there's this belief that being kicked in the nads is uniquely painful. I'm calling bull on that one. If I can manage not to launch my baby across the room when she repeatedly slaps and hits a boob swollen with mastitis, a man can restrain himself from pushing a kid who accidentally kicked his balls.

I think you were right to be outraged at your husband. THere's no excuse for hurting someone smaller than you.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

THere's no excuse for hurting someone smaller than you.
The OP said her child was not hurt, and it certainly did not sound like the father intended to hurt him, so I'm not quite sure what you mean there?

Personally I would be twice hurt if my dh was "outraged" at me for pushing ds mildly back on the sofa after ds, say, jammed a lego in my eye socket. I would hope he'd be slightly concerned about my eye, trust that I had no intention to upset ds, and would comfort ds so that I had a few minutes to care for myself.

I totally get that seeing a small child upset for any reason is, well, upsetting. Many hugs to the OP, I do understand why your emotions were high too. Mama bear instinct is powerful stuff. Hugs to the whole family. It's easy for others to see the balance of the accident, because we weren't there and our emotions weren't at stake, kwim? I understand the need to come here and vent


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

This happened once at our house when DS pulled DH's chest hair. I remember being really upset too. I think it was a reflexive response, as was your DH's, but it still is upsetting to see a little one pushed.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane*
...and I believe in apologizing when we make mistakes, even if they were made accidentally...

So do I. I don't believe in making another person apologize, however.

I used to be bullied a lot and the teachers were big on making the other kids apologize when they were caught. I hated it. I knew they didn't mean it, and I knew they weren't sorry. If you're dh was sorry for pushing your ds, then he'd apologize on his own (and not necessarily with words). If he's not sorry, then what purpose is served by making him apologize?


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

I didn't really FORCE DH to apologize, I just reminded him. He would've apologized anyway. But even if it is "forced" I still believe in apologies. I will "force" DS to apologize when he wrongs someone because he needs to understand that there are consequences when he does something wrong and he needs to do something to make it right. I will set an example by apologizing myself and I will teach him to ALWAYS apologize, even if he doesn't feel like it at that moment.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

So, do you think apologies are just meaningless noise? Just to give you some food for thought...as someone being apologized _to_, I felt _worse_ when I knew the apology was something the person was obligated to do. I'd much rather not receive an apology than receive an insincere one.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

Ok there's this belief that being kicked in the nads is uniquely painful. I'm calling bull on that one.
Totally OT, but I heard men say for years that a kidney stone was as bad as childbirth. I was so doubtful about this...until I had a kidney stone. Verdict....kidney stone was worse than an unmedicated *breech homebirth*. I actually passed out from the stone pain.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
Ok there's this belief that being kicked in the nads is uniquely painful. I'm calling bull on that one.

I know two guys who have passed out from being kicked in the nuts - one kick, and _out_. Obviously, I don't know, as I don't have testicles, but the evidence suggests that it's pretty excruciating.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama*
Totally OT, but I heard men say for years that a kidney stone was as bad as childbirth. I was so doubtful about this...until I had a kidney stone. Verdict....kidney stone was worse than an unmedicated *breech homebirth*. I actually passed out from the stone pain.

I recently passed a kidney stone (thankfully small) and it is painful.......I yelled at ds quite a bit, for the smallest things because he would press on me in the wrong way while nursing, or climb over me.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Veering more OT with the apologies issue, but I observed something about my husband recently. He has no remorse for any mean thing he does/says to anyone unless someone reminds him to. If I'm angry about something, something he clearly did wrong and we both know it, he will argue and complain and change the subject and do anything but apologize. I figured this out after a few arguments got to him saying "Well, what do you want from me? (insert ridiculous suggestions)" and I'm like "well an APOLOGY would be nice" and he was like "Oh. Well I'm sorry then." Totally wooden. It doesn't mean anything to him, except that now he's figured out the script.







:

Anyway, if you guessed that my MIL believes in forced apologies, you guessed correctly!

I don't consider saying "You hurt Daddy and now he's sad, do you want to say you're sorry?" to be forced, as long as your tone doesn't imply that the child had better say it Or Else. It should be just a reminder. I don't think I would say "You need to/should say you're sorry."


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## obiandelismom (May 31, 2005)

My then 3yo kicked me in a broken rib (playing around, and probably my fault for allowing rough housing around a broken bone! What can I say, I was well-medicated at the time







: ) and I all but threw him on the floor. He was not hurt physically, but he was shocked and frightened and it was horrible. My husband was not ANGRY at me exactly, but he was very much more concerned with DS than with me in the immediate aftermath (which I remember being SO pissed about, weirdly!) Pain makes different people do different things, most of them not pretty. Of course, after the blinding pain subsided, I was horrified that I could have done something so hurtful to ds. I feel guilty to this day about it!

I guess what I'm saying is - don't be too hard on your DH.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:

I don't consider saying "You hurt Daddy and now he's sad, do you want to say you're sorry?" to be forced, as long as your tone doesn't imply that the child had better say it Or Else. It should be just a reminder. I don't think I would say "You need to/should say you're sorry."
this is sort of the tone we use with ds, but we just say "say sorry give hugs" since hes a baby and to many words will confuse him. But its never in a tone that implies do it or else.....and if he hurts us, we always tell him "we still love you, dont worry"


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette*
I don't consider saying "You hurt Daddy and now he's sad, do you want to say you're sorry?" to be forced, as long as your tone doesn't imply that the child had better say it Or Else. It should be just a reminder. I don't think I would say "You need to/should say you're sorry."

I agree totally. I definitely want my kids to understand apologies. I'm just very leery of forced/imposed ones. If my child hurts someone, I hope they're sorry! But, if they aren't, I don't want them going through the motions. For one thing, I think sometimes it takes people a while to come to a place where they do feel repentant, and I don't want to interfere with the process. I remember a boy in my 7th grade class who was ordered to apologize. I told him not to bother (because I knew it was ordered by the teacher). He came back two days later, and offered me a _sincere_ apology, because upon reflection, he'd realized that he'd hurt my feelings badly.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I seriously doubt an 18 month old could muster the kind of force that would make someone pass out from a blow to the crotch. Not really a working comparison.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
I seriously doubt an 18 month old could muster the kind of force that would make someone pass out from a blow to the crotch. Not really a working comparison.

actually, my mums best freind, her son was around 15mths old and he knee'ed his dad in the crotch pretty hard while throwing a tantrum, and his dad started peeing blood.


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

I don't know, my 17mo is very strong. She's hurt me on a few occasions and brought me to tears from pouncing on me.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I don't doubt an 18 month old could kick and seriously hurt another person. I can remember a few bruises.

I think the child should have been modeled proper behavior and OP been more sympthetic to her husband's pain.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane*
I understand that getting kicked in the testicles hurts, but I've had DS bust my nose and lip, take a bite out of my nipple, kick me in the ribs, etc, and I NEVER pushed him and rarely raised my voice.

Yeah, but your DH isn't you! I screamed when my daughter drew blood with a nipple bite (didn't plan to, but it was so unexpected and painful!). I did push one of my boys off my lap (again, reflexively) when he caught me right on that little bit of (extremely sensitive) cartilage between the nostrils with a block. When my other boy did a butt drop with no warning right onto my abdomen I rolled him off me (and not as gently as I could have) and went fetal for a few seconds until I realized that yeah, I was okay. (at the time I was still having residual pain from my cesarean scar, probably half psychological).

Maybe you have a different pain tolerance than your husband...or your son might have kicked harder than you think he did. I can understand being upset over his reaction (that's reflexive too!) but I don't get why it needs to be belittled as not as big of a deal as he's acting. You don't know that, unless he's told you so himself. You didn't get kicked in the balls, he did. Whether or not it's true that it's the Worst Pain Evar in the human experience is irrelevant.

I don't quite understand why it's not just as important to model that it's important to be careful of other people's bodies for the kid too? We wouldn't tell other kids to suck it up because 'why are you crying, you just took a tumble' and invalidate their feelings and hurt. I guess I don't get why we shouldn't give adults the same courtesy.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild*
Yeah, but your DH isn't you! I screamed when my daughter drew blood with a nipple bite (didn't plan to, but it was so unexpected and painful!). I did push one of my boys off my lap (again, reflexively) when he caught me right on that little bit of (extremely sensitive) cartilage between the nostrils with a block. When my other boy did a butt drop with no warning right onto my abdomen I rolled him off me (and not as gently as I could have) and went fetal for a few seconds until I realized that yeah, I was okay. (at the time I was still having residual pain from my cesarean scar, probably half psychological).

Maybe you have a different pain tolerance than your husband...or your son might have kicked harder than you think he did. I can understand being upset over his reaction (that's reflexive too!) but I don't get why it needs to be belittled as not as big of a deal as he's acting. You don't know that, unless he's told you so himself. You didn't get kicked in the balls, he did. Whether or not it's true that it's the Worst Pain Evar in the human experience is irrelevant.

I don't quite understand why it's not just as important to model that it's important to be careful of other people's bodies for the kid too? We wouldn't tell other kids to suck it up because 'why are you crying, you just took a tumble' and invalidate their feelings and hurt. I guess I don't get why we shouldn't give adults the same courtesy.









:


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *romans_mum*
i just wanted to say, i dont think thats true....my ds is younger than yours, and he understands simple explanations like "hurts mommie/daddy, say sorry and give hugs" and he has done that since he was 8mths old.

Wow!


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose*
Umm... he got KICKED in the BALLS. I would not be ticked off at a knee jerk reaction to something like that. I wouldnt FORCE DH to apologize either. I'd go comfort my child and then when DC is calm and DH has had time to recoup and have a sense that it's all ok "down there" I'd ask him to please explain to DC what happened and why and whether he was sorry.

I wouldnt immediately reprimand my husband for something like an instant reaction to getting kicked in the balls!!









:

From what I understand (not personally owning nuts







: ), is this is excruciatingly painful and the kneejerk reaction is nearly unavoidable.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
I know two guys who have passed out from being kicked in the nuts - one kick, and _out_. Obviously, I don't know, as I don't have testicles, but the evidence suggests that it's pretty excruciating.

When I was 17, I worked in my high school over the summer doing custodial work (for minimum wage







)

I was working with the principal's son, a senior in college and HAWT







:; we were taking a rolling bin upstairs in the elevator, and I playfull gave it a bit of a shove. It *tapped* him. He turned dead white and FAINTED...standing up (small elevator, no where to fall). When the doors opened, he passed out cold on the floor.

He was a big, tough, football playing type...NOT a wimp.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
I seriously doubt an 18 month old could muster the kind of force that would make someone pass out from a blow to the crotch. Not really a working comparison.

Not true. I notice your little one is still quite small. Check back with me in a little over a year


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## mahrphkjh (Mar 31, 2006)

my "solution" to the force apology is for my kids to follow up with "I shouldn't have done that." I believe that way if the act of hurting the other person was intentional that they will start to recognize that you shouldn't hurt others EVEN if you feel like it. I don't like forced apologies but at the toddler age lessons need to be immediate because cause and effect has a limited timeframe.

As to the original topic, I will admit to reflexively over reacting when hurt. I feel bad afterword but I will say I would be pissed if DH scolded me for it; especially in front of the kids if he knew I didn't mean it. I am an adult and his partner not another one of his children.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
I seriously doubt an 18 month old could muster the kind of force that would make someone pass out from a blow to the crotch. Not really a working comparison.









Tell that to my daughter. I've gotten black eyes, bloody noses, broken glasses, scratched faces, bruises, sore breasts, etc... from her tantrums.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?

I've dropped ds1 twice when he hurt me badly (once hitting me in the eye so hard I saw sparks and it hurt for days, and once when he "boxed" my ears). One of those times, I was standing up holding him. I wasn't happy about it happening, but I didn't "beat myself up", either. What's the point? It's not as though feeling terrible is going to make me able to prevent myself from doing it again.

I don't consider an instant reaction to being hurt to be "throwing a temper tantrum".

And, yes - there have been many, many times when my kids have hurt me that I _haven't_ reacted like that, but it's usually when I have some idea that it's coming (eg. nursing on an infected nipple, getting kicked in a fresh incision, etc.). The sudden, out-of-nowhere, excruciating pain is something else again.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?

whos to say the men arn't feeling guilty to? not all men are violent abusers that dont give a crap.


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## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

Something about *making* a grownup apologize really rubs me the wrong way. I would feel really disrespected if anyone tried to pull that one on me.


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa Lubner*
Something about *making* a grownup apologize really rubs me the wrong way. I would feel really disrespected if anyone tried to pull that one on me.

I agree, I would never make my DH apolagize, because I know when he calmed down, he would instantly feel bad and hug ds and apolagize on his own terms.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?
I thought he pushed him back on the sofa on which they were sitting. That's not "shoving him across a room".


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?

The OP's husband didn't "shove him across a room" to begin with, but yes, I did shove her off of me. It was an instinctual reaction out of me. In one instance, she threw her head back as hard as she could and hit me smack in the eye. Everything went black and I almost passed out. I was sitting on the couch with her and quickly pushed her off of me onto the other couch cushion. Pretty much like what it sounds like the OP's husband did. Didn't hurt her a bit, probably startled her. I didn't mean to do it, but I did.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
And did you shove her across a room? Why are men allowed to throw temper tantrums while we'd be beating ourselves up for doing the same?

No, and neither did the DH is question. Why are you blaming him for what you perceive to be a fault of 'men'? Yes, I've pushed my children away forcefully and reflexively. And I didn't beat myself up over it. It's the same reflex that allows me to be able to shield them. I apologized for being rougher than I intended, but I have better things to beat myself up for than my body's reflexive actions to protect itself.

I wouldn't blame a WOMAN for shoving her child away if that child headbutted her or kicked HER in the crotch. I'm not going to say that a man should pay a higher penalty for something I'd be just as likely to do myself in reflex.

I do not understand why you are escalating this (saying he shoved his child across the room, when it's clear in the OP that he did no such thing), and belittling someone's pain as a temper tantrum. I don't do that to children, and I'm sure as heck not going to do that to my beloved spouse! How is the kid supposed to perceive that? I want them to see that *everyone's* pain is important and shouldn't be belittled--if they're 2 days old or 92! I don't let people say my kids are being 'babies' if they cry when they're hurt, or get upset over something like that. It's kind of hypocritical to not honor the same thing in you or your spouse, isn't it?


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

We are women. We will never have balls or know what it feels like to be kicked in them. I would never compare being knocked in an engorged boob with mastitis to being kicked in the nads. I've seen men roll around on the floor for minutes, just from being lightly decked there. I've never felt the need to roll on the ground near tears after being poked in the tit. Whether or not the force of a blow makes someone pass out doesn't mean they are going to be capable of totally controlling themselves when faced with sudden, sharp pain in their most sensitive area. I would not be upset by my husband having a knee-jerk reaction to being kicked in the nads and pushing our son away to cradle his balls with his hand. There's a difference between getting someone away from you, on a reflex, and knocking them across the room. No one is perfect; no one can always display self-control. It is important for children to know that violence is not the answer, but it is also important for them to know that everyone makes mistakes sometimes, even dad. I'm sure my DH would apologize whether I reminded him to or not, just like the OP's DH.


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## assenavadnama (Oct 10, 2005)

I think you definitely overreacted. It's a knee-jerk reaction and I have done the same.


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## cjuniverse (Sep 22, 2005)

Here's a hug. I know you need it.

It's very, very hard to control one's reflexes to pain. About impossible, really. We react out of instinct. It's our bodies' way of protecting itself, and completely natural. Having a bad day to boot can only serve to worsen the situation. Shorter fuse, quicker reaction.

That said, it's still so unbearably difficult to see our little ones startled and afraid, especially of those who are supposed to protect them! But as others have pointed out, we all have bad days. We all screw up. The important thing is to acknowledge it and move forward, trying to better oneself along the way.

Belgian, I see where you're going, and honestly that was my first thought too. It seems like whenever a man makes a mistake, women fall all over themselves to absolve him of it one way or another, and beat ourselves to bloody emotional pulps for similar transgressions. Part and parcel of living in the patriarchy, in my mind. Totally understandable too. We're all guilty of it.

However I don't think that applies in this situation...sounds like it was an honest and unintended mistake. Sympathy to go around.

To another poster who mentioned a husband that refuses to apologize, I've got one of those too. Maddening, isn't it?







:


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

My son, then about 2 and a half, bit me. It was sudden, it was HARD. It shocked me and it *H U R T*... and I smacked him in the face. It was not a slap, but a bap... a reaction out of shock and pain. Never in his life have I done more than raise a voice, and even that is very rare. This was simply a suden physical response that could not have been avoided because it was not concious, calculated, or considered.

If tantrums, violence, or innaproprate interactions are otherwise not present in a parent, and they have an isolated physical response to being shocked and hurt, then I can empathise and understand. I am sure a sudden jab to the testicles could certainly purduce similar pain and shock as my instance of being bitten and reacting to that.

If the child is consistantly or intentionally doing something hurtful to the parent, then it is the parent's responsibility to make chages in situation, circumstance, approach, and response to keep from recreating THEIR reaction. However, no person can index for everything, and people that are shocked respond in unconciously driven physical ways (consider why the videos of people getting shocked win $10K on AFV, etc).

... Doesn't make it any less disturbing. I cried and cried after wonking my son. I have never felt so bad in my life. I shudder and feel ill just thinking back to it. He was not injured - but it about killed me! Worse even, someone else whom had met us for the first time was there when it happened. And she went on to comment that it is good that I did that, because he will learn quick... taht I should have BITTEN HIM BACK instead... as if my reaction was intended and done to discipline (as opposed to it being simply a matter of me suddenly panicked and in pain and reacting).


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

I spoke to DH about this situation. He wasn't upset about it and didn't think I overreacted at all. He agreed with me that he would've done the exact same thing (cuddle DS and tell me to apologize). That's just the way DH and I work. We boss each other around a lot. It's not an issue for us, because it goes both ways. It's kinda like a checks-and-balances thing.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Totally off topic but I love this:

Quote:

my "solution" to the force apology is for my kids to follow up with "I shouldn't have done that." I believe that way if the act of hurting the other person was intentional that they will start to recognize that you shouldn't hurt others EVEN if you feel like it. I don't like forced apologies but at the toddler age lessons need to be immediate because cause and effect has a limited timeframe.


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## Justice2 (Mar 18, 2003)

I know this is a couple of days late but this is something that happens VERY frequently in my house because my husband and my son play pretty ruff (yes I have tried to make them stop and they simply WON'T)

I feel that it's incredibly important for a toddler to learn about being very careful with that particular area of daddy's body. I have seen Boue roll around and come to tears because of my son's forceful kick or swing. Did Kaeleb mean to make daddy roll around groaning? No, absolutely not - just like Daddy didn't mean to shove kicking toddler away from his nuts. I seriously wouldn't consider this act to be violent - more of a self preservation type of thing.


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

Wow. I think he showed restraint by shoving him onto some cushions after being kicked in the testicles.

You may have an unusual level of tolerance for pain and ultra self-control while being injured, but that doesn't mean that everyone does.

Having a nose broken and a chunk bitten out of a nipple and NOT reacting physically at all is very unusual, and it may not be fair to expect that of everyone.

Edited after reading that it's "normal" for you two to "boss each other around" - to each their own!


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane* 
I spoke to DH about this situation. He wasn't upset about it and didn't think I overreacted at all. He agreed with me that he would've done the exact same thing (cuddle DS and tell me to apologize). That's just the way DH and I work. We boss each other around a lot. It's not an issue for us, because it goes both ways. It's kinda like a checks-and-balances thing.

That's cool, and makes a bit more sense in terms of interpretting your OP. My DH and I are pretty bossy with each other as well. And blunt. So "you need to apologize" might mean something entirely different in our relationship than in someone else's.

I agree, though, that knee-jerk reactions do happen. We play really rough around here sometimes and things happen, and we try our best to set a child away gently when we're hurt, but sometimes what happens instead is more like a dump-and-roll-away-in-pain. Which sounds kind of like what happened with your DH. Sure the mood changes really dramatically really fast, and this shocks kids, but they are't HURT, and how to play rough without hurting anyone is a great thing for them to know (the big kids rarely hurt us or each other anymore, the 20mo...well she hasn't quite gotten down aiming where she jumps on us). So "the fun is over when you jump knee-first on daddy's crotch" is, well, a lesson they should learn if they want to keep playing like that.

There are parts of our bodies that deserve a tad more respect and even little ones seem to get that. They won't understand where that line is between playing, a little hurt but OK, and WHOA I'll be bruised for a week - unless we show them somehow. Acting like nothing happened when they've just split a lip isn't going to teach them anything...which is not to say we need to be harsh, just that it is OK to let our kids know that they've hurt us. Getting kicked in the nuts hurt your DH like hell and your kid should know about it...pushing him backwards onto the cushion in response communicated that pretty effectively without really hurting your DS. When someone reacts in complete reflex to something, it follows a natural consequences pattern and not a disciplinary one, IMO, unless the reflex is entirely out of proportion (and in this case I don't think it was).


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Trinitty* 
Having a nose broken and a chunk bitten out of a nipple and NOT reacting physically at all is very unusual, and it may not be fair to expect that of everyone.

DS1 came _very_ close to breaking my nose once (my ex-FIL heard the cartilage crunch from the other side of the room), and I didn't react physically. However, I'm not claiming any restraint. I was just too stunned. DS1 did, in fact, fall off my lap, because I let go of him to clutch my nose. Fortunately, I was sitting on the floor at the time.


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## IGotJack (Sep 21, 2006)

I agree that it in no way is acceptable, but I agree with the OP, it was probably just a reaction. Not intentional. And I'm sure the dad felt bad enough as it was to make sure it didn't happen again.

Really, I guess just ditto to most pp.


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## IGotJack (Sep 21, 2006)

And, after reading some more, as a side note, the 19 month old little boy I watch once kicked DH in the testicles so hard my DH threw up. And he's not the queasy type at all. Those little kids can pack a good wallop in them! lol.


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