# MARCH Baby Loss Mamas Chat Thread



## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I don't know if you have to be an administrator or something to start one of these, but I needed to write today, so I'm starting it. People usually say something like this at the beginning, so I'm just quoting Nicole from last month:

All baby loss mamas are welcome!!!!

I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread.

(If you have a problem with these guidelines or would like to add others let me know and I can change things)

Do not feel that you have to reply to everyone. I think many people don't post as they are worried about leaving someone out. If all you can do is post an update on yourself we would be glad to hear it!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I feel all this pressure to get over my miscarriage. People either expect me to be a huge mess and assume I'll be angry about every pregnant person I see, or they have already forgotten and say stupid things to me. Like this woman who said to me the other day something like, "you should have a son, they're so different than girls." I felt like, yeah, thanks. I did. He died.

I don't feel angry about pregnant women, but at the same time, I wish that my sister (who just announced her pregnancy on fb at 6 weeks) should at least give me a nod or something. I don't know I'm not mad, but I am.

I feel like, if I'm not angry, then that means I have to be over it. The same woman who said I should have a son, told me later that she lost 4 babies. It broke my heart. But at the same time, she acted like she was over it, so I should be too. She's in her 60's, so it was a long time ago.

I feel like there are degrees of loss. And because I lost my baby at 14 weeks, then I don't have the right to be as sad as women who lost their babies after 20 weeks. Or definitely after birth. I realize how horrible it is to make comparisons like that, but I can't help it. I do. And I feel like other people do too. I think that other people don't think about my baby or think Ishould be over it because of how early I lost him. Like he wasn't real yet. And that makes me so angry.

And sometimes I feel like I am over it. Like, life has moved on.

And then I wake up one day, and I feel so angry. I just feel so damn angry.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

wilson- Thanks so much for starting a new thread. Anyone can do it. I have been really busy with work so I am glad you stepped in.

I know what you mean about the pressure and judgement from others. It seems like people can understand the magnitude of a full term loss but have challenges understanding anything other than that. You lost a baby!!! You have every right to be sad and angry! I have lost 4 babies and all at different stages and each one was a different experience based on so many factors. They all sucked and they all hurt so bad. The more losses that I have the more people judge me. "maybe this is God's way of saying you shouldn't have anymore children" (unfortunately as of today I have heard this 3 different times by 3 different people, so sad)

No one but you knows how bad this hurts for you. It is ok to feel angry and it is ok to feel ok. You will never be over it even if it doesn't hurt so bad to talk or think about it. Nicholas and your experience of loss will always be with you.

Hang in there mama and know you are not alone even though it feels that way.

AFM- I am doing ok. I go through periods of being ok and of acceptance and then I am angry and really don't want to be ok. I am working a lot right now and it is so hard to be away from my living kiddos but totally what we needed right now. I have my SHARE meeting on thurs and am really looking forward to it. I hope it is better than last months.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
You lost a baby!!! You have every right to be sad and angry! I have lost 4 babies and all at different stages and each one was a different experience based on so many factors. They all sucked and they all hurt so bad. The more losses that I have the more people judge me. "maybe this is God's way of saying you shouldn't have anymore children" (unfortunately as of today I have heard this 3 different times by 3 different people, so sad)

thanks for saying this. I know it's true, but I need to hear it. And what a horrible thing for people to say! People should come with filters.

When I wrote that post earlier today, i started crying. My sweet girl asked me why I was sad, and I told her I was thinking of baby Nicholas. She said, "but it's okay. He'll be here later." I just want to kiss her over and over.

Nicole, I just noticed that you, Laura and Krista are all in the PAL forum. Hooray! Maybe that's why it's been so quiet over here. I'm so happy for you, and rooting for you and your little ones.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Well i am new to this but here goes - I soooooo relate to the whole "i should get over it" or the "Lets hope she doesn't bring it up" "is she going to break down" - I had my second miscarriage in 8 months last friday - well there wasn't a heartbeat at 8 weeks followed by a D&C. The first time was 6/23. I was a complete wreck for months after the first time. It bothered me so much that everyone just acted like i should just suck it up and move on - such is life! I kept questioning myself wondering if there was something wrong with me for not getting over it and I started to really HATE my husband. He was away on a fishing trip when it happened and I felt like he just wasn't there for me almost like he didn't care. I know that isn't true but i couldn't help thinking it. When i became pg again i didnt want to tell ANYONE bc i just didnt want to hear any negativity or stupid comments - just in case. I honestly believed that it would never happen to me again so when it did i remember wanting to punch the US tech as she plopped a box of kleenex on my belly and said sorry for your loss and walked out of the room as i lay still in stirrups. I just couldn't believe this was happening! I can say that my husband has been great "this time around", but the fact that no one talks about this baby outside of this house makes me feel completely alone or like this pregnancy didnt matter. I find that my sister is completely insensitive to me about this. Two days after my D&C she enlisted me into handling my niece's baby shower gift. I declined - but really? She actually phoned me to give me attitude and i just lost it on her which i am that person. It is ironic - it took us 2.5 years and an against all odds situation to get pg with my daughter on our own and then my son followed soon after. During that time i became so negative. I judged all these kids getting pg, and crack heads getting pg, people without their lives together getting pg and here we were ready in every way and nothing. It was when i let go of all that - that we became pg. I am trying really hard to NOT be negative bc i know it isnt going to help some days are harder than others.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

MegEliz - I'm so sorry that you're going through this again. It is so hard to stay positive, at least some days. I'm constantly surprised by my own emotions. Did you name your babies?


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> MegEliz - I'm so sorry that you're going through this again. It is so hard to stay positive, at least some days. I'm constantly surprised by my own emotions. Did you name your babies?


No i didn't name them . the first was a girl we know from the genetic testing they did. This one i do not know yet. I didnt have names picked out by the time the pregnancy ended. I did have a dream right before i found out i was pg the 2nd time that the baby girl's name was Summer and alive and in my arms. Idk... I have been trying to think of a tattoo for my kids with their initials (something little) and to incorporate my two angels into somehow with out it being a focal point ~ just to let everyone know they mattered and i think of them everyday. Some days i think it sound silly.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

megeliz- So sorry that you had another loss but so glad you found us over here.

I have had 2 losses in a row on 2 different ocassions and it just sucks! It's like come on really? again? I really hope you take care of yourself during this time and do what you need to do to remember your babies. I think a tatoo sounds lovely. I got a dragonfly one and LOVE it!

This thread has been uber slow. I hope everyone is hanging in there.

AFM- I went to my SHARE meeting last night. It was wayyyyyyy better than last month. This meeting validated my babies short little lives so much and that is what I needed. I have therapy tomorrow.... it's those little things that get me through the week.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Ok so i am back here again . does anyone else get the question " are you going to try again?' but in a tone that is saying " I HOPE YOU AREN'T planning to try again". It is really bothering me. Are we crazy to want to try again? I think we are BRAVE to want to try again. I think that says a lot about us. maybe i am nieve to think we can make it happen but how can we not want to try again? I just feel like there is some one missing and i don't want to feel that way anymore. I actually spoke with my OBGYN and asked him point blank - If i was your daughter what would you say to me? he said "i would tell you to keep trying. there is no known reason why this happened the second time. we did everything right" and we did. In the back of my head i keep thinking maybe my eggs are just old and that is why this is happening BUT i know women who were in the 40's and healthy kids so why can't I ? i know i am just rambeling but this has been playing around in my mind all weekend. Thanks for listening


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

MegEliz- I totally get what you mean. That look like "God your an idiot". I have had 3 different people say "maybe this is gods way of saying you shouldn't have any children" Um thanks for sharing. WTH do you say to that?


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Sorry everyone's getting such crappy comments. Today i got from a co-worker, "Do you want more children? It's better to have them close together!" (DD just turned 3) Um, thanks. I've been trying for a year and a half with 2 losses. Not that she knows and not that I'd tell her.

My sister gave birth about a half hour ago (my BF 3 days ago) and I can't stop crying. This just sucks. Of course, I'm happy for them and excited. It hit harder with my sister. Going to see my friend on Wednesday and sister on Sunday - oh joy.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Wendlynnn*
> 
> Sorry everyone's getting such crappy comments. Today i got from a co-worker, "Do you want more children? It's better to have them close together!" (DD just turned 3) Um, thanks. I've been trying for a year and a half with 2 losses. Not that she knows and not that I'd tell her.
> 
> My sister gave birth about a half hour ago (my BF 3 days ago) and I can't stop crying. This just sucks. Of course, I'm happy for them and excited. It hit harder with my sister. Going to see my friend on Wednesday and sister on Sunday - oh joy.


My good friend is going in today for her Ultrasound. We share ( or shared) the same due date of 10/11/11. I feel bad bc she keeps calling me to talk but really i don't want to. She texted me yesterday to tell me she was going to call me after her appt. My thoughts were exactly yours " Oh Joy!"


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> MegEliz- I totally get what you mean. That look like "God your an idiot". I have had 3 different people say "maybe this is gods way of saying you shouldn't have any children" Um thanks for sharing. WTH do you say to that?


I have no idea why people say these things. In my head i see myself saying " This is why god wants you to get slapped in the face" .. lol.. But i have said to someone way back when we were first struggleing to get pg when some one said that - I just think it makes me value a child more and place importance on what it means to be a parent. I just got a look with that.. lol..


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MegEliz*
> 
> I have no idea why people say these things. In my head i see myself saying " This is why god wants you to get slapped in the face" .. lol.. But i have said to someone way back when we were first struggleing to get pg when some one said that - I just think it makes me value a child more and place importance on what it means to be a parent. I just got a look with that.. lol..


I think that's a great response. Although, I'd love to see the slapping one, too. 

I'm about to say something terrible, but I feel like this is a safe place to say it. My oldest sister is always seeking attention from my parents and our family, and I've often thought that she seems to get pregnant whenever someone else is getting attention (like right after my sister got married, or right after I got pregnant the first time, etc.). She says they not wanting to get pregnant again, but they aren't using any method of avoiding. Anyway, she just announced on facebook last week that she was pregnant (6 weeks) again (her youngest just turned 1). I feel like she did this intentionally because she was jealous of the attention my parents gave me after my loss. Now, she has some kind of separation between the uterus and the fetal sack (but it's not a placenta yet, right?). She told me she was on bed rest until her next ultrasound (although my mom said her doctor just told her to take it easy). Does anybody know what this is? I thought she was too early for a placental abruption, but it does sound like a miscarriage is possible. I feel sort of irritated, as if she's doing this on purpose, to take away from my loss. I know that sounds terribly selfish, because obviously she didn't cause this. And I should be responding to her with compassion, right? I feel it for you guys, so why don't I feel it for her?


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Laura - I don't think it's terrible. Sibling stuff is always hard and it always feels so personal. I think you should give yourself a break and not tell yourself how you should be feeling (compassionate, etc). Of course in an ideal world we all would. Of course I should be overjoyed that my sister had her 2nd baby last night but I'm not. Especially b/c AF showed up today, I'm feeling really sad and bitter. She (and her babies) also gets 99% of my parents attention, leaving very little for my dd. However she is also one of the only ones who is still validating my loss.

I think it's ok to be disappointed in our family and getting emotional distance if needed, and focused on creating a support system for ourselves. Hopefully that's will include them someday.


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

Can I ask you ladies what you told your DC after a loss? I was away on a business trip when it happened (so the trip went from 5 days to 2 weeks) and during that time DD (2 years old) never asked DH about the baby. We figured if she didn'T bring it up then we weren't going to mention it.

Well... before my trip I had had a lot of baby stuff shipped to my parents house and I brought it back with me in my suitcase anyways because we plan on TTC in 6 months or so. DD got into that and found a stackable puzzle of a baby's growth in the mom's belly over time and made me put that together with her the first day we were back (it was about the only time since I got back that I almost broke down). Then she didn't mention babies again until today at dinner when she found this impossibly little spoon that she insisted on eating her food with. She declared it was for the baby in my belly because the baby was so tiny.







I tried to explain to her that the baby decided not to come right now and he/she would come later but it really seemed lost on her and she kept talking about the baby using that spoon to eat....

I'm sorry for the others having a hard time.







We've decided not to tell anyone until I'm pretty far along next time. I've found that I'm someone who would rather just go on with my life as if nothing happened than talk about it outside of my immediate family or best friends. We had told a number of people who while I really like them I don't really want to discuss a miscarriage with, you know what I mean? Next time we're just telling our parents and my very closest friends and that's it.


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

Ok, my body is NOT being cool tonight at all. My stomach has been bubbling all day today, which really feels like the type of early kicks I had with DD. It really feels like a slap in the face being that I would've been almost 14 weeks now and that's when I started feeling DD.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Physmom- sorry your body is giving u trouble. I had the phantom kicking (stomach bubble stuff) for several months after emerics death. It sucked so bad.

As far as what to tell the kids we were very strait forward with them. The baby in mommys tummy died and won't be coming to live with is. It is in heaven and Jesus is taking care of it (as that is what we believe). My 2 yr old seems to get it. She would point at my tummy and say baby up bye bye and then hug me. She repeated that over and over.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Physmom - When i was pg with what was to become my first miscarriage we told everyone i was pg bc we never thought that a miscarriage would happen - this includes my dd who was 3 1/2 at the time and my son who was 2 at the time. My daughter wants a baby sister like i want a million bucks so you can imagine how excited she was! When we lost the baby i told her that the baby became really sick in my belly and had to go to heaven with the angels. She talked about it a lot and then everything died down. When i became pg again we didnt tell her or talk about it AT ALL in front of the kids, altho she looked at me one day and said mom i know you have a baby in your belly bc when i lay next to your belly she talks to me- it totally freaked me out! I remember not wanting to lie to her bc i didn't want to jinx it ( what good that did me!) i just told her that some day we can talk about a baby in my belly but not right now. The day i had my last D&C my DS who is 2.5 walked up to me as i laid on the couch and rubbed my cheek and said "don't worry mom everything is going to be ok" it melted my heart! I think kids are super receptive to what is going on even if you don't talk about it.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> I think that's a great response. Although, I'd love to see the slapping one, too.
> 
> I'm about to say something terrible, but I feel like this is a safe place to say it. My oldest sister is always seeking attention from my parents and our family, and I've often thought that she seems to get pregnant whenever someone else is getting attention (like right after my sister got married, or right after I got pregnant the first time, etc.). She says they not wanting to get pregnant again, but they aren't using any method of avoiding. Anyway, she just announced on facebook last week that she was pregnant (6 weeks) again (her youngest just turned 1). I feel like she did this intentionally because she was jealous of the attention my parents gave me after my loss. Now, she has some kind of separation between the uterus and the fetal sack (but it's not a placenta yet, right?). She told me she was on bed rest until her next ultrasound (although my mom said her doctor just told her to take it easy). Does anybody know what this is? I thought she was too early for a placental abruption, but it does sound like a miscarriage is possible. I feel sort of irritated, as if she's doing this on purpose, to take away from my loss. I know that sounds terribly selfish, because obviously she didn't cause this. And I should be responding to her with compassion, right? I feel it for you guys, so why don't I feel it for her?


ok you just summed up my sister .. lol.. i won't hijack your thoughts only to say that I totally get where you are coming from. Sibling dynamics are always complicated. I think that what you feel is normal. I don't know much about what your sister is going thru but I am sure if the worse happens for her ( and i hope it doesn't) you will be compassionate with her, and maybe in some weird way it will bring you closer bc she will know what you have been going thru and vice versa?


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

ok so i feel bad that i don't venture outside these couple of forums BUT i just can't go too far out of my comfort zone - sad that this is my comfort zone! - But is anyone else just P!SSED OFF that this happened to them? I mean past the sad stage, the helpless stage - i am at the *beyond* angry stage. I just keep thinking - did this really happen to me again? What did i do to deserve this? why is my body doing this to me? I find myself getting so amped up that i just burst in to tears bc i am so frustrated. I woke up this morning and it was like I forgot that i had a D&C. I was dreaming about having a baby and when i woke up i was smiling thinking about the baby in my womb and then hit me and i immediately got so mad. I just want there to be a reason this happened and i am struggeling with processing it.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I get that. It comes and goes but when it comes I swear I want to pull out all of my maternity clothes, baby clothes and birth supplies and RIP THEM TO FREAKING SHREDS!!!!! I haven't done it but I imagine myself doing it and it makes me feel better.


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

MegEliz and theboysmama- thanks for sharing your experiences. After reading your responses I realized I don't know what I believe when it comes to miscarriage. I consider myself Christian and believe it happened for a reason (actually, I can think of a number of reasons why it made sense, as weird as that sound) but I never really thought about what happened with the child itself. I talked to DH about it last night (DH is also Christian but believes in reincarnation too, something very common where he's from) and he said he thinks that the child chooses to come to the family because the family needs that at that time and that latter the child might return or eventually go to another family to be born.

But I really don't know what I believe in this regards. It's funny because I'm someone who would never consider an abortion but in someways it's hard for me to believe the baby was actually alive for it's 10 weeks before it died. Maybe it's because it's too painful for me to believe otherwise? I don't know. Maybe I should leave these conversations with DD up to DH...

MegEliz- I've had those moments too when you wake up and forget what happened.







FWIW, I don't think anybody does anything to deserve a loss, I believe it's something we have to go through to learn from but it's not a very fun lesson at all...


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Wendlynn and MegEliz, thanks for your thoughts. I am feeling more sympathetic today, and wondering how she's doing - which makes me feel kind of relieved because that means I'm not totally nuts.  My emotions tend to be all over the place, angry, sad, ambivalent, happy. I wonder how much of this is hormones related to the miscarriage. My night sweats have stopped, but I still sweat more and sometimes get hot flashes. I kind of like it though, it reminds me that my pregnancy was real.

Physmom, my conversations with my DD have been so wonderful for me. She doesn't really understand what death means, and we believe in heaven, but she doesn't really know what that is either. But the things she says are so simple and honest, it feels like the best response, without all the baggage and niceties that grown ups say. We told her when she mentioned the baby, and also at times when she has seen me crying, I tell her that I'm sad about our baby. Our friends dog died a few months ago, and so she understands that he was here and now he's not. So I told her that our baby went to heaven just like Hamlett (the dog) and I think that helped her understand the presence/absence idea.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Hey mamas,

Just wanted to post here to... well, get started posting here, I guess. My news is still really new and I'm kind of numb, but trying to get used to not being on the October DDC board, I guess.

Just confirmed yesterday with an ultrasound that our little one is gone. I would've been 7 weeks today. But it was a week ago that I just woke up on Saturday feeling sure that something was off. I just felt like I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then there was some spotting, some blood tests (in which my HCG crept up slightly, maddeningly), and a scary 2 days in which I thought the pregnancy was ectopic. So by yesterday, when I had the ultrasound, although I still of course hoped for a miracle, I kind of knew there wouldn't be a heartbeat. I just hoped the pregnancy was in my uterus, which it was.

By the time I came home I was starting to cramp and bleed, and am settling in this weekend as the discomfort and bleeding increase. I'm a little scared because I haven't done this before.

It feels hard because I have a 9 and 3 year old to take care of too, mostly on my own. We hadn't yet told them about the pregnancy, so that's both easier because they aren't also sad for me to help them with - and strange because they are just going about their day like everything's fine.

My DH was very sweet and supportive yesterday but he has all kinds of problems with sleep and health and stress at work. I hope he will be able to take the kids for much of the weekend, but so far this morning I am having a hard time and have the kids by myself while he sleeps in. Can you tell I am feeling sorry for myself?

Anyway, this baby was the first pregnancy we had 'planned', and we so wanted to have a baby this year, had all these plans for a fall home birth, taking a year leave from my (academic year) job, already dreaming about being pregnant in the summer. I just felt so sure this little one was going to be a part of our family and - ugh, I don't know.

Enough for a first post I think! Thanks, mamas.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

mamma butterfly i am so sorry for your loss - it just sucks. I think it is totally ok to feel sorry for yourself i know i sure do. I have found that coming on here and reading and sharing my thoughts is extremely helpful - even more than talking to my dh. Just know that there are people that are going thru exactly what you are right now and feel your pain and loss.


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Hi mamas,

Wanted to connect here. I so appreciate all the posts, I can identify with so much that others have written. Glad to hear I'm not alone with the phantom kicks/movement.

I have such a hard time asking for help. DH is supportive and at the same time I feel like it's still up to me to stay on top of somethings. Yesterday he took dd to hang out at his mom's, which was great. I needed the time to myself. But she didn't get a nap and when I called to see if he was coming home soon because it was past her bedtime he was totally oblivious to it. I realize it's not the end of the world by any means but I'd love if he would stay on top of it so I don't feel like I have to. I'm trying to tell him I need help and yet he gets busy with the stupidest stuff - like emptying out his work truck. He asked me to get dd dressed so he could do that and I just told him, you know, I don't think that's really a priority right now. I mean yes, I can get dd dressed and yet.....

My mother is driving me nuts. When I called and told her we lost the baby, I was driving home from my doctor's appt. As soon as I told her she broke down sobbing. She couldn't even stay on the phone with me. Told me she loved me and hung up. Then she texted me a couple hours later to say she'd be glad to come down and help with dd so I could have time to heal. The last friggin' thing I need is her crying and hovering over me wondering if I'm ok. I told her to just stay put and thank goodness she has. She keeps texting me though and sent me a message on facebook - all this "sending you peace and blessings and love and healing" blah, blah, blah and I just want to smack her. I especially irritating when she says she and her husband send love and hugs. I don't like her husband and I don't want love and hugs from him thank you very much. Let him send his own damn love and hugs if he wants to. She puts on such a good front during stressful times like these and yet she completely and totally sucks in any kind of a crisis. Fortunately she's talking to my brother so I don't have to although she's coming to town this week. Just great.

I'm getting my hair cut today. I've been wanting to for months and just went ahead and scheduled. Why not. I haven't had it cut since DD arrived almost 22 months ago. Decided to donate to Locks of Love.

Probably should also schedule a session with my therapist. Sigh. I really dread this week coming up.


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LisaG*
> My mother is driving me nuts. When I called and told her we lost the baby, I was driving home from my doctor's appt. As soon as I told her she broke down sobbing. She couldn't even stay on the phone with me. Told me she loved me and hung up. Then she texted me a couple hours later to say she'd be glad to come down and help with dd so I could have time to heal. The last friggin' thing I need is her crying and hovering over me wondering if I'm ok. I told her to just stay put and thank goodness she has. She keeps texting me though and sent me a message on facebook - all this "sending you peace and blessings and love and healing" blah, blah, blah and I just want to smack her. I especially irritating when she says she and her husband send love and hugs. I don't like her husband and I don't want love and hugs from him thank you very much. Let him send his own damn love and hugs if he wants to. She puts on such a good front during stressful times like these and yet she completely and totally sucks in any kind of a crisis. Fortunately she's talking to my brother so I don't have to although she's coming to town this week. Just great.


I so know what you are talking about. My mom is just like that (and I just have no real relationship with my step-dad either). I was very, very thankful that my step-mom was the one there with me when I found out because she´s just so level headed. She barely even cried and was there for me every step of the road. She´s also a former nurse so I think that helped a lot.

I actually haven´t even talked to my mom on the phone since it happened. I just can´t yet. She´s wayyyy too emotion and very religious so I´d have to hear about how she told her entire church and they are now praying for me! Don´t get my wrong, I´m not an atheist but I´m a fairly private person when it comes to these things and don´t want everybody and their mom knowing what happened or coming up to me afterwards to talk about it.









Anyways, I´ve very sorry for your loss and feel free to vent here.


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## maxnmaizy (Feb 23, 2005)

Hi mamas. I'm jumping in here. I relate to so much that has been said on this thread. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in November. I was shocked but really accepted it as natural biological happening. The saddest part for me was that my wonderful SO and I had been trying for 8 mos. and I am just so looking forward to having a baby with him. This time is soo much harder. I really felt like this was it. I was 10 weeks 4 days when I started spotting. Midwife couldn't find a heartbeat on doppler. Went for an US and found no heartbeat and that the fetus stopped growing around 8 weeks, right about the time my symptoms resided. I had felt so close to being out of the first trimester. We are planning our wedding and I was looking for maternity dresses to get married on the beach in. I don't think I've ever been so crushed and sad. We found out on Thursday. I've been holed up in my bedroom since then. SO and BFF have been taking good care of me but there is only so much they can do.

I've been taking black and blue cohosh as well as cotton root bark to induce. Not much is happening. Just light bleeding and mild cramping a couple times a day. I can't stop picturing the fetus on the US. I've been thanking it for trying to come to earth in hopes that it will "feel" released and leave my body. I've been reading about natural miscarriage and am looking forward to "birthing" and letting it all out. Mostly I just want it all over so we can heal and TTC again. I am worried about how long it will take to get everything out, especially at this pace. I am scared of venturing out of the house thinking that things might get started up. I don't work until Wednesday, but definitely don't want to be at my job nannying for a 1 yo and 3 yo and have everything happen.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

maxnmaizy- I am so sorry for your loss. I totally get not wanting to leave the house. With my several of my m/c's I went about my day but I carried around a ziploc with me just in case. They all happened at home though. Finally passing the baby was very healing for me, just a relief to be able to start grieving.

AFM- I had a super hard day today. I don't know why but am missing my babies sooooo much. No anniversary or anything. Just really really wish they were here. I am struggling with my grief process. All of my losses have been so hard. My first 2 were so long ago so I have mostly processed those but my recent 2 were really close together. I was 17 wks pg with Emeric and got to hold him and see what he looked like. With Pepper I held him/her as well but the baby was only the size of a dime and looked more like a baby shrimp than a human baby. That doesn't mean I don't miss pepper but I really don't know who pepper was. I was (and still am) really actively grieving Emeric so adding Pepper to that was just overwhelming. Getting pg again didn't help with the grieving process with either of those. I was feeling better most days but was really really tearful today. Plus they have started spring cleanup at the cemetary so I can't leave things out on the grave or they might get taken by maintenace and their grave just looks so empty and sad.

I still post a lot on this thread as my losses were really so recent and I am really struggling still. This thread has been very healing for me. I can't figure out how to hide my signature with this new system, does anyone know how to do that? As several people from the oct. ddc have just joined us I wanted to ask them (and please be honest with me) if any of you ladies are uncomfortable with me posting here. I want this to be a really safe place, especially since you are so new in your grief. If it bothers you please say something and I won't post for a while.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

LisaG, I just read your post after I had sent you some peace and hugs on the other thread -- sorry! I can go delete them, lol. Not trying to be all smothery-mom like. 

Yeah, for some reason I usually like sympathy from my mom or MIL over dumb stuff (and they are both awesome), but about this loss I can barely talk to either of them. Maybe now that I think of what you said, physmom, it might be hard for me to hear their sadness in their voices.

I think your feeling pissy at others is a really understandably place to be. Just feel whatever you feel, you know? Hope the hair cut was good pampering. What a good idea to try to do Locks of Love.

Jennifer, I'm sorry you have to join this thread, too.  I was sad to think of us both finding out on Thursday (I got lab results that day, U/S on Friday confirmed it but I knew) and then pouring over m/c stories all weekend. I got to obsessively reading the whole What Did You See miscarriage thread... I had to stop a few times. But it felt like it normalized it. My situation is my own, and not exactly like others, but remembering how... universal life and pregnancy and loss are, it helped me to feel connected to other mamas. I hope that your wait for things to begin isn't long.









I was very fortunate (in a weird way) that the same day as the U/S that confirmed the baby was gone (Fri) I started to bleed. By Fri night and Sat am I felt like things were in full swing, and this morning I felt like it was completed, maybe. Had a good talk with the midwife and feel sort of peaceful.

Nicole, I for one, am so glad you are a part of this forum and hope you won't feel like you have to "move yourself along"! Knowing you are expecting isn't at all painful to me, at least... I find your spirit very hopeful and I am so rooting for you and this little one. But it makes sense that you still have to much you are processing and that your DDC isn't the place to talk about your ongoing grief over the losses [well, no, maybe certain thread over there are, but I meant that this is a good place for that too!!].

- mb


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Oh, one more thing - under the category of "Life goes on," something that happened to me today:

Since Friday I had pretty much been curled up in bed or on the couch, trying to get my husband to take the kids out (or in the bathroom). This morning I woke to cramping and passed large clots and after I eventually got myself together to get the kids off to school, I took a very long hot bath.

But dh went off to work and even though I stayed home today, I decided I had to put pants on eventually and take my dd to piano lesson. While waiting for her, I was sitting next to another mom I like a lot who... yes, had just given birth and brought her newborn for the first time. It was so surreal, especially as she had to put on her Moby Wrap (one of the things I would have been about to purchase for this new babe) and asked me to hold the baby. I literally had to hold my breath and just turn off my thoughts for a few minutes. I thought, "This is not the time to mention to this lovely woman, Hey, guess what I am going through today?"

If my life were different I guess I would have hidden in my room a little longer, but dh can't take time off right now so here I am, back in it. Still trying to take it easy though. Planning to schedule a massage this week, or maybe a pedicure, something. And think about how to memorialize. I saved something to bury, so since spring is coming, thinking about planting a bush...

Thanks for the place to talk, mamas.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamabutterfly*
> 
> Oh, one more thing - under the category of "Life goes on," something that happened to me today:
> 
> ...


Oh god. :-( I can't even imagine that. I've not held a baby since I first found out I was pg with my first loss..... I can barely even think about it without crying.







I hope it didn't hurt too badly.


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Had someone leave me a voice mail today, she's messaged me a couple times on Facebook and I just haven't had the energy to answer the "how are you" question. "Just wanted to say hi, no need to call me back, hope you're doing ok, maybe I'm making more of this than I should be but I'm really concerned about you, maybe you've already grieved and are done or maybe you've just been really busy.....". Sometimes people really boggle my mind.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamabutterfly*
> 
> LisaG, I just read your post after I had sent you some peace and hugs on the other thread -- sorry! I can go delete them, lol. Not trying to be all smothery-mom like.


Hahaha, no worries, it's only annoying when it comes from my mother 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *physmom*
> 
> I actually haven´t even talked to my mom on the phone since it happened. I just can´t yet. She´s wayyyy too emotion and very religious so I´d have to hear about how she told her entire church and they are now praying for me! Don´t get my wrong, I´m not an atheist but I´m a fairly private person when it comes to these things and don´t want everybody and their mom knowing what happened or coming up to me afterwards to talk about it.


Yes!! There's something about knowing my mom is sharing this with everyone she knows and knowing she's asking people to pray for me that just gets on my last friggin' nerve. I got an email from my cousin tonight (who I see maybe 1-2x per year and we make small talk) - she says my mom texted her the other day to let her know what happened and she's praying for me and hubby. And oh by the way, do I have a recommendation for a pediatrician? I know she means well, I know they all do, but arrrgggghhhh







. Maybe something good that comes out of this is that I'll have grown and developed enough that I no longer get triggered by my mother.

And in the stupid comments department - this was so ridiculous I'm still laughing over it. I'm grateful I can laugh about it. I took DD to the sitter's today for 4 hours and told K what had happened. She made a comment towards the end of our conversation about how it's so hard because now I have to get in shape again and lose the weight I gained, and had I gained that much weight? I have to say, I've never had anyone say that to me before. It's not like I'd gained a bunch of weight that I now have to lose before I can start ttc again. I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't far enough along to have gained much weight. And I can assure you that losing weight isn't really top of mind right now. People sure are special some times. As an aside - why do people feel the need to ask 20 questions? "But you heard the heartbeat, you were so far along, you were even starting to show, what happened?!?" "Um, yeah, there wasn't a heartbeat." "But what HAPPENED?!? Wasn't everything fine at your last appointment?" Exhausting.

In spite of all that, I really did have a pretty good day today. I'm tired (and should have gone to bed hours ago) but feel like I've been doing a good job of being present with my feelings when they come up and that seems to help. I also know that tomorrow could be a totally different story.

Jennifer, I'm glad your SO and BFF are taking good care of you. I found my 2nd m/c to be much harder to process than my first.. I think part of it was I never thought it would happen to me twice in a row. I thought after my first one I'd "paid my dues" like so many other women before me and the worst was over. It can be so hard


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LisaG*
> 
> Jennifer, I'm glad your SO and BFF are taking good care of you. I found my 2nd m/c to be much harder to process than my first.. I think part of it was I never thought it would happen to me twice in a row. I thought after my first one I'd "paid my dues" like so many other women before me and the worst was over. It can be so hard


this is what gets me too - i can honestly say that i feel like even tho i felt like it couldn't happen to me again that i was and am handeling so much butter i feel like i am directing my grief to be more proactive in finding "answers" rather than just letting in consume me this time around like it did the first ..


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## maxnmaizy (Feb 23, 2005)

Nicole, I feel the same as MB. It is bittersweet bc we won't be joining you, but I wish you the very best, amazing, healthy pregnancy.

Things are still not happening for me. Bleeding has not picked up at all. This waiting is so hard. I went out for the first time yesterday and I just did not want to be around people like nothing was wrong. I am not walking my daughter to her classroom bc I don't want to see people or have people ask me how I am doing. I picked up dd's friend for school today and her dad asked how I was feeling. He was the first person I told in person. I have just a handful of people that know I was pg and still haven't told them what is happening. I don't want to have to share this sad thing.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Thank you ladies. I will continue to post as long as everyone is comfortable with that. I really really get so much out of this thread and have so much farther to go on my grieving journey.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LisaG*
> 
> Had someone leave me a voice mail today, she's messaged me a couple times on Facebook and I just haven't had the energy to answer the "how are you" question. "Just wanted to say hi, no need to call me back, hope you're doing ok, maybe I'm making more of this than I should be but I'm really concerned about you, maybe you've already grieved and are done or maybe you've just been really busy.....". Sometimes people really boggle my mind.
> 
> ...


Lisa- I know it is hard when you really just don't want to deal with anyone and don't want to have to explain it all but I think your friend is trying to be sweet. I think it would be ok to fb her back and just say you are still struggling but aren't ready to talk about it. If you are not over it yet you certainly don't want people thinking that you are as that just adds to it. When I lost Emeric at 17 wks I sent out a mass e-mail explaining what had happened, how I was doing, and what we needed: space, food, money (for burial expenses), etc. I re-posted something similar on fb. It was really helpful bcs I only had to think about it that one time and then hit send. People helped a lot when I just really didn't have the energy to ask for it. We had people bring meals by and just leave them on the step so we didn't have to see anyone.

That is definately a strange comment from your babysitter (although it was very true for me as I had gained over 10lbs and definately looked pp for several months after the birth) that just really isn't something you should say to someone. People need to come with filters.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> Oh god. :-( I can't even imagine that. I've not held a baby since I first found out I was pg with my first loss..... I can barely even think about it without crying.
> 
> ...


Krista- I am with you on this one. I held a baby once a few months after Emeric died and just broke down.The mom felt so so bad bcs she lost a daughter just after birth about 10 yrs ago and didn't even think about it. Her little boy was just so precious. I don't think I could have done it right afterward. Girls don't bother me but infant boys really get to me.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MegEliz*
> 
> this is what gets me too - i can honestly say that i feel like even tho i felt like it couldn't happen to me again that i was and am handeling so much butter i feel like i am directing my grief to be more proactive in finding "answers" rather than just letting in consume me this time around like it did the first ..


That was definately the case for me. I had 2 healthy pg and children and then 2 losses in a row and then 2 healthy pg and children. I really thought I had paid my dues but then 2 more losses in a row. The last one really broke me. I haven't even really been able to process it.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LisaG*
> 
> "maybe you've already grieved and are done or maybe you've just been really busy.....". Sometimes people really boggle my mind.
> 
> And in the stupid comments department - this was so ridiculous I'm still laughing over it. I'm grateful I can laugh about it. I took DD to the sitter's today for 4 hours and told K what had happened. She made a comment towards the end of our conversation about how it's so hard because now I have to get in shape again and lose the weight I gained, and had I gained that much weight?


Lisa, these are both kind of amazing to me, although I suppose I should never be surprised at what people manage to say when they don't know what to say.

About weight, after all the purging of the weekend I could put on regular pants today and actually it made me really sad that my little poochy tummy was gone.  Why would someone think that weight is even on your mind? Sigh. I guess they try to make conversation, huh?

I had someone say, "Well, you can try again, huh?" Except guess when it was?! When I was telling her, LAST WEEK, that we were waiting for blood results and an ultrasound to find out if the pregnancy was viable. BEFORE I had even begun to lost it. I was thinking, "Holy crap, this one is still inside me, are you seriously telling me to try again?" I should almost be able to laugh at that one soon.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MegEliz*
> 
> this is what gets me too - i can honestly say that i feel like even tho i felt like it couldn't happen to me again that i was and am handeling so much butter i feel like i am directing my grief to be more proactive in finding "answers" rather than just letting in consume me this time around like it did the first ..










It does sound like you're handling it in the way you need to right now. Thinking of you.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *maxnmaizy*
> 
> Nicole, I feel the same as MB. It is bittersweet bc we won't be joining you, but I wish you the very best, amazing, healthy pregnancy.
> 
> Things are still not happening for me. Bleeding has not picked up at all. This waiting is so hard. I went out for the first time yesterday and I just did not want to be around people like nothing was wrong. I am not walking my daughter to her classroom bc I don't want to see people or have people ask me how I am doing. I picked up dd's friend for school today and her dad asked how I was feeling. He was the first person I told in person. I have just a handful of people that know I was pg and still haven't told them what is happening. I don't want to have to share this sad thing.


Jennifer, I was wondering how you were doing. Ugh, the waiting must be really difficult. After reading so many m/c stories (man, that is a long thread, like it spans many years!!) I realized I was so fortunate in the bleeding starting the same day as the ultrasound. I think I knew the baby was gone 7 days earlier, so those days were surreal and painful. I also relate to walking around like nothing is wrong. I don't get how people do it. I am just not someone to hide my feelings. When people I know semi-well say, How are you? I feel like I stutter for a second, like just saying "Fine" is not fair to the baby or something like that.

Nicole, I'm going to have to ask you how to do multi-quotes in this system. Can you tell I don't know how?

- wendy


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

wendy - at the bottom of each post you click the multi button instead of the quote button. Click it on as many posts as you want and then they will show up when you click on the post a reply button. Then you can add your writing in between and edit at that time.


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## maxnmaizy (Feb 23, 2005)

Uploading pics of my sons haircut today (it's his birthday and he cut off his very long hair!), ran into my first belly pics. I waited until 10 weeks bc it seemed silly to do it earlier. Wahhhhhhh...

Still waiting for the birth. Hang out with a friend yesterday, which was a great distraction. Today another friend is coming over to henna my hair. Tomorrow is my son's birthday party. Would really love to get this over with tonight. Taking heavy duty herbs, still nothing happening.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Wow, I've been out for a week, and there's so much going on here. I'm glad and hate to see it. To all of you new posters, so sorry you have to join us. This is a wonderfully safe place though.

Nicole, I'm definitely glad you're still posting here. Your pg feels so hopeful and healing to me, and I like having you around. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by *LisaG* 
I found my 2nd m/c to be much harder to process than my first.. I think part of it was I never thought it would happen to me twice in a row. I thought after my first one I'd "paid my dues" like so many other women before me and the worst was over. It can be so hard









This totally freaks me out, because that's exactly where I am. I know the chances of it happening again are not lessened, but in my mind I feel like it won't, which makes me feel really unprepared for any future pregnancies or losses. Hmm... maybe that means I am expecting it to happen again after all.

AFM -

my sister's "bed rest" (at 6 weeks) has ended. I'm still not really sure what happened exactly, she seems to be fine now, which only encourages my selfish idea that she was exaggerating to seek attention. Still, I should probably call her and see how she's doing, right?

I had a dream about my baby recently. I never have baby dreams when I'm pregnant (which is kind of a bummer), so this one was a surprise. And it was so happy. I dreamed that we had only just forgotten about him for awhile, and now he was coming as if nothing had happened. I was at the hospital giving birth and I realized that we had never found out the sex for sure, so I suddenly thought I could be having a little boy right now! I was so excited to meet my baby, find out the gender, and see what he was like. I didn't remember the dream immediately when I woke up. It was a few hours after my husband went to work, I remembered it and how happy it felt, and then I just felt so sad, like I lost him all over again.


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## seekingserinity (Mar 19, 2011)

I don't really know what to say or where to start... two wednesdays ago I had an er dorctor coldly tell me that I had an "afetal demise". I knew something was wrong,but I had prayed to everything with power in the world that my baby would be fine. And for the second time in six months I lost my baby. I was past my first trimester this time, we were getting an ultrasound that next week and were ready to share with all our close friends the secret we had been struggling to keep. Instead I had to be fit in for an emergency procedure the next day, and to ad more salt to the wound by body essentially began to go into labor (this is what was explained to my boyfriend after I got out of surgery. She said it was very violent and stong though which worried her) at about four that morning I couldn't go to the hospital until 10,when we finally got there I passed out in admitting, by body was not acting correctly to this whole thing. After it was all done, I felt broken hearted, my baby was no longer in me. My body looked pregnant still, I had been through labor essentially,but I could never kiss my child on the forehead,never wake up at all hoyurs to feed it or change its diapers, I will never be able to hold it close to me o sooth it and never get to watch it grow up. No proms,first dates first days of school,none of it and it kills me inside. I can't look into the mirror and taking a shower breaks me down. I don't know how to deal with this, I hoped after the first time I would never have to deal with this again, I was told usually after one misscariage you wont have another one, how niave of me to believe that. I did everything I could and yet I can help but harbor blame towards myself,no one else blames me,so why do I? I am rambling and I appologize. I am not trying to self pity here, that us not me but I just don't know where to go with all of this.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> I had a dream about my baby recently. I never have baby dreams when I'm pregnant (which is kind of a bummer), so this one was a surprise. And it was so happy. I dreamed that we had only just forgotten about him for awhile, and now he was coming as if nothing had happened. I was at the hospital giving birth and I realized that we had never found out the sex for sure, so I suddenly thought I could be having a little boy right now! I was so excited to meet my baby, find out the gender, and see what he was like. I didn't remember the dream immediately when I woke up. It was a few hours after my husband went to work, I remembered it and how happy it felt, and then I just felt so sad, like I lost him all over again.


I had a dream like this after my first mc - It is a weird experience bc you are so happy that you feel like you met your child but then the reality hits and then you slump back down to reality.









Quote:


> Originally Posted by *seekingserinity*
> 
> I don't really know what to say or where to start... two wednesdays ago I had an er dorctor coldly tell me that I had an "afetal demise". I knew something was wrong,but I had prayed to everything with power in the world that my baby would be fine. And for the second time in six months I lost my baby. I was past my first trimester this time, we were getting an ultrasound that next week and were ready to share with all our close friends the secret we had been struggling to keep. Instead I had to be fit in for an emergency procedure the next day, and to ad more salt to the wound by body essentially began to go into labor (this is what was explained to my boyfriend after I got out of surgery. She said it was very violent and stong though which worried her) at about four that morning I couldn't go to the hospital until 10,when we finally got there I passed out in admitting, by body was not acting correctly to this whole thing. After it was all done, I felt broken hearted, my baby was no longer in me. My body looked pregnant still, I had been through labor essentially,but I could never kiss my child on the forehead,never wake up at all hoyurs to feed it or change its diapers, I will never be able to hold it close to me o sooth it and never get to watch it grow up. No proms,first dates first days of school,none of it and it kills me inside. I can't look into the mirror and taking a shower breaks me down. I don't know how to deal with this, I hoped after the first time I would never have to deal with this again, I was told usually after one misscariage you wont have another one, how niave of me to believe that. I did everything I could and yet I can help but harbor blame towards myself,no one else blames me,so why do I? I am rambling and I appologize. I am not trying to self pity here, that us not me but I just don't know where to go with all of this.


You have every right to have self pity!!!! I am sorry for you loss. It just sucks having to go thru something like this. It sounds like you had a very rough go at it and I hope that your dr's are able top give you answers as to why your body reacted that way? Wow that just sounds completely scary







I read on here before that someone else wrote that once you have a mc you have lost that innocence of pregnancy. I find that to be so true. I had two mc in 8 months (6/23/10 & 2/24/11) I know how completely devestated you feel. You really do think it will never happen again and when it does you think "why me?" I still blame myself i think i always will. I keep trying to find a reason on WHY this happened and am asking countless questions my OB but nothing is my fault that i wasn't already addressing. You just want answers and it makes it extremely difficult to get thru the greif when you have none. Keep posting her ~ It has helped me a lot .


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

MaxnMaizy, I've been thinking of you, wondering if things have been progressing. The waiting must be so hard. I hope you are okay.









wilson, Hugs to you to on the dream. So sweet and so sad at once. I've had fleeting feelings like that of waking up, thinking I was still pg and having to remember again.

Seekingserenity, I am also so terribly sorry for your loss. What an experience; I can't imagine how hard that was. It does sounds painful in so many ways. And now there is so much for you to process emotionally.

I'm glad you found this forum. Please feel free to post here and hopefully find some comfort in others' stories as well. The companionship and support can be so helpful. Thinking of you.


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## maxnmaizy (Feb 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies. Happy Spring! I love the change of seasons, especially spring. Thinking about the gift of life all around us, coming out of the darkness and the reminder that death is part of the circle too, but life, light, and color always return. I'm doing garden planning today. The garden that I was to tend during my pregnancy, harvest, and preserve all before the babe came in October. I think this garden will be my hope garden, a meditation on the intentional life that we plant, tend, and harvest, and also a reminder that we must honor the full circle death included.

I'm doing ok. After spending a week basically in bed, I am out and moving about. My friends have provided distraction and kept me company. Celebrating my son's birthday and my anniversary of birthing and becoming a mama was good for me. I've done some shopping therapy, plan on working next week, and just in general moving forward. My body still has not passed the pregnancy. I am taking a break from the herbs to induce. I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. I am feeling less desperate about getting it out of me, and resolved to let my body do as it needs. Part of the rush to finish everything is so we can start TTC again, but I think my lesson that I need to learn is to let this obsessive planning (that has twice led to mc and heartbreak) go. I have faith that our baby will come in time.

Thinking about all of you and holding thoughts of healing in my heart for you. Thanks for being here.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

jennifer- I think that is a really healthy way to look at it. I know that it is soooo frustrating but it will happen eventually. After my first loss I was in a huge rush. After my m/c i didn't start to cycle again for 3 months. (it has been much quicker all of the other times, even after my 17 wk loss) Regardless of what I wanted my body had other ideas. Hang in there and take care of yourself during this tough time.

AFM- It has been a little over 7 months since Emeric died and about 4 months since we lost pepper. It really does get better but then it hits real hard bcs I am not expecting it. I go to the cemetary on sunday and it makes me feel better but I just think this is not where i am supposed to be. I am supposed to have a 2 month old. It is just so hard. I need to finish my scrapbook but have found it to be challenging. Some days it makes me feel a lot better and some days it really makes things worse. Hard to tell which way its gonna go. I just moved my counceling to every other week and I think that will be ok, at least until my job is over (not sure when that will be, maybe a month or 2).


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Hugs, Nicole. I can't imagine all the various stages of grief and processing and healing and now nurturing of this new one you have to juggle at once - all while mothering your others and trying to figure out how to care for yourself well too!

I feel myself so quickly inclined to move on... not even intentionally deciding to do that, but just I guess that's what I do with hard things. And I'm trying to figure out whether to go against my usual tendencies and try to do something else. Like take more time to acknowledge and feel and work through things.

Doesn't help that DH isn't talking about it. At dinner the other night when I decided I might as well order wine he patted my hand and gave me a pained look. I know he's going through a lot too. Or let's assume he is, because like I say, he isn't talking. And there were a few days or nice sympathy which quickly... passed. Once I got dressed and started going out again, it was like he decided it was over. It's barely over a week. I'm still bleeding. There isn't a single single thing I didn't have to do for myself this weekend. Seriously. I have family within 1-2 hours, but not in town (though this would have been a nice occasion for child care or a meal or something from my mom or sisters? No?)

And did I mention that my MIL and SIL live with me? I told them the whole story after the ultrasound, and then in the ensuing week want to know how many times they have offered a meal or childcare or help with housework? Yes, zero.

Okay, I know I come across and a self-sufficient person, but really. I know I should ask for help when I need it, and I have a little. But I just wanted to whine about having to go back to "normal" (plate too full) too quickly. It feels like I'm not sure all of it even happened, like the while pregnancy was a dream.

I planned to plant a memorial bush this weekend and it got filled up with other kid stuff and Dh's priorities and I'm disappointed. But there's still time this week.

Oops, meant this to be a quick note. Thinking of all of you,

mb


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

mamabutterfly- Thank you

My dh didn't talk about it much either. I did/do talk about it a lot. Dh is talking about it now though. It hit him like a ton of bricks about a week ago. He never really processed our first 2 losses but losing Emeric made it more real and then pepper on top of that. He kept it all in for a while and then when I started doing a bit better he just snapped. It is hard to see him in so much pain but I am really glad he is processing it now. Everyone processes things different and men especially don't know how to communicate that.


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## maxnmaizy (Feb 23, 2005)

My SO has been on automatic caretaker mode, and also diving into writing his book. I had wanted to make out with him last week, and he told me that my grieving was totally unsexy and that when he is in caretaker mode he feels completely asexual. That was hurtful for me to hear. I didn't want to have sex at that point, but wanted the touch and intimacy of making out. We did end up making love over the weekend. I told him I thought maybe it will help get things going. He again told me that he wasn't feeling sexual in any way. I explained that I do not feel like getting out of bed most days, but I have to force myself. I have to challenge/change the urge to curl up in a ball indefinitely. I asked him to try to get into a different mindset too. We watched a sexy movie, had some wine, and enjoyed each other physically. It was very nice. I'm so thankful that we could talk out those feelings and come together.

Unfortunately, the love making didn't seem to support progress of the miscarriage. I am not hardly bleeding at all right now.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *maxnmaizy* he told me that my grieving was totally unsexy and that when he is in caretaker mode he feels completely asexual










Oh, I couldn't pick which smilie registered the appropriate amount of shock to that comment!! My goodness, I support everyone's right to have their feelings and I know everyone goes through things differently, but that's a doozy.

I'm thinking a lot this week about the profoundly isolating experience this can be. Maybe it isn't for everyone, but it does seem that there is something so uniquely personal and intimate about this transformation of the body, the life only you know about at first, and only you feel deeply connected to (maybe - I'm sure some partners feel an early connection. mine doesn't) - and then this loss that for the most part you don't talk about.

And there is this sense I have that the shift to your own identity changes the way you interact with others, but maybe only in a way you notice. Or at least that has been true for me, I should say. It's something that has made me feel very alone.

So, yeah, I can see one person wanting to be close and intimate in this time and another not knowing how to make that connection or not feeling it yet. And that would be really painful. I'm sorry, honey.







I've been trying to imagine being ready to be together with dh again; I've stopped bleeding this week. That also to me means thinking about other things like whether we would be trying to avoid for a while or whatnot, and I"m not ready to think about that yet. Also I don't want to stew in resentment of his lack of help last week, I know that reconnecting will help us in the long run, and I feel like he did his best.

Thinking of you this week, mama. I hope your wait isn't much longer.

seekingserenity, if you're hanging around I hope you're okay and I"m wishing you well.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I was thinking about you guys and just wanted to check in. Hope things continue to progress for you so that healing can begin/continue.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

*seekingserinity* - I'm so so sorry for your loss. I lost 2 in 3 months and the shock and pain and loss are awful, I know. Feel free to vent to your hearts content.

AFM - I met me new niece at the baby-naming last weekend. Unfortunately, dd came down with a cold so she had to stay home with dh while I drove 2 hours each way to be there. I was going to just skip it, but my sister REALLY wanted me to be there. ugh. It was ok, I guess. I was really counting on dh's support and was sad not to have it. Actually holding the baby was ok. The hardest part was seeing everyone congratulate my sister and comments to my mom about her having more grandkids. Oh, also the Hebrew name of the baby is a name I had picked out for my next girl. Just figures.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Wendlynnn*
> 
> *seekingserinity* - I'm so so sorry for your loss. I lost 2 in 3 months and the shock and pain and loss are awful, I know. Feel free to vent to your hearts content.
> 
> AFM - I met me new niece at the baby-naming last weekend. Unfortunately, dd came down with a cold so she had to stay home with dh while I drove 2 hours each way to be there. I was going to just skip it, but my sister REALLY wanted me to be there. ugh. It was ok, I guess. I was really counting on dh's support and was sad not to have it. Actually holding the baby was ok. The hardest part was seeing everyone congratulate my sister and comments to my mom about her having more grandkids. Oh, also the Hebrew name of the baby is a name I had picked out for my next girl. Just figures.


Just wanted to say that I am proud of you - i know that took a lot of courage and self- sacrafice to go there


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

i made a seperate thread on this yesterday but my results came in from the genetic testing. Either a - it was a healthy baby girl or b- it was my tissue that was tested. I am drained from thinking of all of this - does anyone else ever feel like this?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

MegEliz- I know this may not be comforting but I believe that you have had 2 losses in a row and have a living child/children. Am I correct? It is very normal for a women to lose 2 babies in a row with no reason what so ever it just happens. Once you have lost 3 in a row they say it maypoint to complications of some type. Have you had the recurrent loss testing done? I have had 4 losses. 2 in a row each time. I have had the recurrent loss testing done and I am perfect so the way I see it is I have a 50/50 chance carrying to term. uggg. I have come up for an answer for myself as there isn't one medically and it is that it is just bad luck. Maybe I will keep having bad luck or maybe not but there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. Sometimes it is frustrating but sometimes I just take peace in knowing that as everything came back normal than most likely my body isn't causing these losses and there isn't anything we can do about it so I just hang in there.

I am thinking of you and know how challenging no answers is but it won't seem as BIG at some point, I promise.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

MegEliz, Just wanted to add {Ugh} to this. Sounds really hard to be trying to find answers and get results that are inconclusive. Especially even the idea that it is either a healthy girl or they had the wrong tissue? really? Is it that inexact a science? I know nothing about it, so can't say, but that would be pretty frustrating to hear I'd think! I hope some of the ideas you are pursuing bring you some sense of peace about either what happened or what to try moving forward.

AFM, I'm really struggling with internal questions about whether I want another baby. I mean, struggling in the sense that some days I do so badly. Also have many thoughts about whether it isn't better this way [*immediately feel like crap mom*], we can't handle what we are already doing,etc.

I felt panicky when I realized the m/c was ending (bleeding, I mean) and I was soon going to be entering another phase of my cycle. We don't like to use much in the way of artificial birth control, so I feel like not knowing when I'll be fertile, if I possibly am now, what my cycle will do -- all of that stuff has just arisen WAY before I was ready to think about it.


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamabutterfly*
> 
> AFM, I'm really struggling with internal questions about whether I want another baby. I mean, struggling in the sense that some days I do so badly. Also have many thoughts about whether it isn't better this way [*immediately feel like crap mom*], we can't handle what we are already doing,etc.
> 
> I felt panicky when I realized the m/c was ending (bleeding, I mean) and I was soon going to be entering another phase of my cycle. We don't like to use much in the way of artificial birth control, so I feel like not knowing when I'll be fertile, if I possibly am now, what my cycle will do -- all of that stuff has just arisen WAY before I was ready to think about it.


My DH is at that same point. I think deep down he really wants another kid(s). We were at the mall this weekend and ran into a lot of babies and he was smiling at them, laughing and definitely had that look in his eye. However, we were talking about weight loss (he has about twice the amount to lose as I do) and he said in a years time he'd like to be at a healthy weight. I said that I'd like to be at a good weight and pregnant in a years time (hopefully it will take well under a year to get to my ideal weight) and he was really surprised by that and said we had to figure out things first. I think he wants more but there are so many other factors too (like affording school, my own career etc) that he's really worried about dealing with it all. It's such a hard decision and it's even worse because there's that fear that we might decide to have another but it won't work out again.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

yesterday I had the luxury of going to the store by myself. I was (i mean should have been) 30 weeks yesterday, and I was reflecting on that as I walked around the store. This is goofy to explain, but I was thinking about how much time has passed since my miscarriage (almost 4 months) and thinking about how I haven't really been around little babies in that time. And then I started to feel all panicky when I suddenly remembered that someone I didn't know had handed me their baby without me asking the other day. I couldn't remember who it was, or where I was, but i just felt so anxious thinking about it and remembering how small and fluid the baby felt in that newborn way. And who would hand a stranger their baby?! And then i remembered that it was really a dog, a small cute dog, that someone handed me at our street festival. And then I felt better. What a goofy reason to have a panic attack.

We've got so much going on in our lives right now, I really don't want to get pregnant now. Maybe later, but not right now. Still I want my baby. Not "a" baby, but "my" baby. I want him so much it hurts to think about it.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> MegEliz- I know this may not be comforting but I believe that you have had 2 losses in a row and have a living child/children. Am I correct? It is very normal for a women to lose 2 babies in a row with no reason what so ever it just happens. Once you have lost 3 in a row they say it maypoint to complications of some type. Have you had the recurrent loss testing done? I have had 4 losses. 2 in a row each time. I have had the recurrent loss testing done and I am perfect so the way I see it is I have a 50/50 chance carrying to term. uggg. I have come up for an answer for myself as there isn't one medically and it is that it is just bad luck. Maybe I will keep having bad luck or maybe not but there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. Sometimes it is frustrating but sometimes I just take peace in knowing that as everything came back normal than most likely my body isn't causing these losses and there isn't anything we can do about it so I just hang in there.
> 
> I am thinking of you and know how challenging no answers is but it won't seem as BIG at some point, I promise.


I do have two children that were carried with out any issues followed by the two MC. i know that depending on teh dr now they are starting to change it to 2 mc's rather then two before testing. It depends on who you go to tho i guess. I know that you are right that not having an answer won't seem so BIG at some point, even right now i have moments where i ask myself why am i so mad - knowing isnt going to change anything? But i know that it is what it is ...


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## loveandlight33 (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm new to this forum, and have spent lots of time over the past 24 hours reading through other people's experiences. They have been very helpful to me so far. Thank you all so much for bearing your heart and soul through this difficult time, it sure is helpful for those that are new to this feeling.

I will write up my story for the what a miscarriage looks like thread. Briefly, I am not only dealing with a miscarriage, I am also fighting through strep throat. I have had a high fever for the past 48 hours, so have been somewhat delirious. I went to my gp yesterday because I was planning a homebirth so I don't have an ob/gyn. I wanted to find out the source of my fever without going to the ER. I don't think I've ever been so glad to hear the words strep throat, that at least confirmed there wasn't something seriously wrong with me. I started bleeding on Sunday, and the worst of the cramping unfortunately came when I was at the doctor's office yesterday. They were all very kind to me, but it was a horrible experience for me, I just wanted to be at home. The doctor called just a little while ago to see how I was feeling today, and said my hcg levels were 2800. If there was any question before, it is gone now. Those levels are definitely too low to sustain a pregnancy. Today is the first time I have cried. I feel sort of numb and disconnected.

I just read back through that and it sounds horribly put together. Maybe I'm still delirious. I don't know. My head hurts something awful every time I stand up, and I just don't want to deal with any of this right now. Thank you all for your support.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> We've got so much going on in our lives right now, I really don't want to get pregnant now. Maybe later, but not right now. Still I want my baby. Not "a" baby, but "my" baby. I want him so much it hurts to think about it.


I am sorry - i wish i could give you a big hug right no w


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sommer*
> 
> I'm new to this forum, and have spent lots of time over the past 24 hours reading through other people's experiences. They have been very helpful to me so far. Thank you all so much for bearing your heart and soul through this difficult time, it sure is helpful for those that are new to this feeling.
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your loss ....


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

I posted in the TTC after a loss forum something i want to post here as well ~ Just want to say thank you for sharing all of your personal stories here for me to relate to. After my first mc i felt so alone and lost in my grief. having you all here to listen and draw from has made a huge difference this time around. so thanks -


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

sommer, I'm so sorry you've had to join us, but you are very welcome here. These women have been a wonderful source of support for me.

I am also so sorry to hear you are dealing with this while also so sick! I had a very bad case of the flu with sore throat/fever/chills during the 2 weeks right after I conceived, then a sinus infection, then the positive pregnancy test. It was a lot going on at once, but can't imagine how much worse it would have been to have dealt with that illness during the m/c instead.  I do hope you recover quickly from the strep.









wilson, my heart also leapt out to you when I read that. Sending you hugs from me.

MegEliz, I am right with you on the appreciation for the incredible source of information and inspiration and comfort that this circle of women provides. I was just thinking recently that I have been on MDC - and really active, like reading all the time, since 2002 (







hard to believe). That's a really long time. But I post pretty rarely, like it took me 6 or 7 of those years to become a Senior Member, lol. And I think in the past month I have posted and read more on these forums than in all of these times. I don't know what I would have done. Talking to friends has been nice on occasion, but mostly not nearly the same for me.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Sommer - I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Thanks, Meg Eliz and mamabutterfly.

IKWYM, mama butterfly. I'm on here a lot more now that I ever was before. I don't feel like it's okay to talk about my miscarriage to other people, at least not often. And when I do mention it, even sort of in passing it's always so awkward. It's nice to be able to come here and acknowledge all the weird stuff going on in my head, and to remember that this did really happen when everyone else seems to have forgotten.


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## loveandlight33 (Dec 14, 2004)

Thank you for your warm welcome. I have had a hard day today. I feel much better physically, in terms of the illness and the m/c. It's been a hard emotional day though.

Today I decided to go to the ob/gyn. I made an appointment on Monday when I was unsure what was what. I called to late to reschedule it yesterday and it was for bright and early this morning, so I just decided to keep it. I am normally just not a medical person at all, so I was feeling very nervous and unsettled about it pretty much since I made the appointment. My intent was to just get some betas and call it a day. Yesterday they called and let me know they'd do a sonogram and then discuss the results with me. Since then I have been rather panicky. I was also terrified they'd want to do a pelvic exam or something, thankfully that wasn't even a question. They took my blood pressure and it was within normal range, but for me it was way high, like as high as if I had just been on the elliptical for an hour.







I could feel it going up in the waiting room, and kept trying to distract myself. Clearly that didn't work. So she said she was going to send me back out into the waiting room and they'd call me for a sonogram. I asked her in a curious way if that was really necessary, that my bleeding had pretty much subsided, due to the level of my betas taken 2 days prior I was pretty certain it was a miscarriage, maybe we could just take some blood? She said I could certainly talk to the doctor first. Thankfully, the doctor was so kind and listened to my concerns. She said their biggest concern was an ectopic and if we do an ultrasound we would know today, betas we would have to wait until tomorrow. I explained my high b/p, 2 previous home births, and said I just didn't want to see my womb empty if I didn't have to. She was really understanding, I told her I would be sure to call or go to the ER if need be, and they'll call tomorrow with the results. I am just so grateful that went as well as it did. While waiting for the blood draw I saw a couple waiting to check out and they were going through their ultrasound pictures of their baby. It made me cry a bit. I finally told my sister tonight, and I hadn't even told anyone in my family I was pregnant so I feel so much better just telling someone from my family. I had to tell her on skype chat because I was bawling my eyes out, but wow what a load off that was. I also have just the bestest friend who has helped with my kids during my appointments this week and has been such a wonderful loving support person for me. She has been there just listening to my crazy "I'm totally fine" on Monday to my "I'm so sad and confused" yesterday and today. My emotions really have been all over the place. And I am kind of in shock that my body is pretty much done miscarrying - I wouldn't call this anything like a period, much lighter.

How is everyone else doing?


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Sommer - You are lucky that your ob was so willing to listen to you and let you call the shots. It makes things a little bit better. This whole process def throws you and your emotional state thru a loop !

- Well for me this is what has been bothering me the last couple days - i have no mememento from this pregnancy. no US pics, no dried flowers from a bouquet that my dh gave me to say congrats ( he never gave me one bc i said i wanted to wait until 12 weeks to celebrate - i wish i didnt say that now) I wold have been in my second trimester this week and it just burns me that I lost this baby too. I wish it back into existence every night and i know obviously that it will never be again but i want it back more than anything. i just want a happy healthy full term pregnancy with a beautiful healthy baby at the end!!! I was thinking how if and when i do get pregnant again i will never go to a drs appt again alone. I laugh at how innocent i was the first two pregnancies. I really thought nothing would ever happen to me and my babies. I remember talking my dh out of coming to appts bc he would always ask 80 questions and i would get embarrassed - now i can't ever beleive i did that to him! how selfish of me !! what if i never get to be pg again and i took all those moments away from him? I can honestly say i am positive that he doesn't care about it or even think about me doing that but now i do ~ one more thing to feel guilty about.. lol...


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Sommer - I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you healing thoughts (all around!)

MegEliz - I'm sorry you're so down. I know what you mean by a memento. I never took any belly pics with my 1st 10 week loss. I wish I had. It's so hard with multiple losses to know whether to be cautious or excited.

AFM - I went to visit my bf with dd yesterday and I was nearly crying to see her so loving, gentle and sweet with the new baby. I'm so so sad to not have a little sibling for her - I know what an amazing big sister she'll be. ah, it's just not fair.


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