# Still So Angry at DH (long)



## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

I had an early miscarriage the end of November. I was kind of holding it together that first day, but would randomly start sobbing hysterically. Well, dh called from work to check on me during one of these meltdowns. He decided to leave work to spend the rest of the evening with us. Which I stupidly assumed meant that he would actually do something to help me. Nope. He settled on the couch and didn't get up the rest of the night (he even dozed off a few times). He just kept saying he was sorry, but he was sooooo tired.







Meanwhile, I still had to take care of dd, play with her, make dinner, feed her and get her to bed. Oh, did I mention that I had been up with her the night before because she was sick and not sleeping?

At the time, I didn't really process his behavior because I was too wrapped up in what was going on with me. But later, after dd was in bed, I asked him to run out and get me chocolate ice cream. He didn't flat out say "no", but said he was tired and offered to stay home with dd while I went to get it. Which really upset me, but I didn't know if I was just hormonal or whatever so I let it slide and went to bed.

Well, the next few days were hell for me because I was still bleeding, dd was still sick and not sleeping, and I got sick. Yet, I still had to get up with dd every morning, do all the normal household stuff, and go to work. And dh did nothing to help. He slept in every morning, watched tv or played video games until he had to get ready for work. And he never got me ice cream, despite the fact that he works 3 minutes from the grocery store and stopped there at least once to pick up a few things.

After almost a week, I finally had a break down and flipped out. It turned into a huge fight (I was the one escalating things, but I feel it was justified) and I had to practically beg him to take her the next morning so I could sleep in. He didn't want to because he works so late (yeah, about 1am, then he comes home and watches tv/plays video games/is on the computer until 5 or 6, then complains about being tired when he wakes up at 11







), which apparently, I never take into account. Whatever.









He also said that he didn't do anything that first night because I didn't ask him to. Umm, hello? I am losing a baby and yet I need to tell you to play with your daughter and change her diaper and feed her something?!?!?!? You couldn't figure that out on your own? So I bring up how I did ask him to do something and he wouldn't (the ice cream). To which he responds (and this needs to be in quotes) "Did you even think about how I was feeling? That maybe I didn't want to be alone? And that's why I didn't want to go out that night? Did it ever occur to you to take my feelings into account? No it didn't, because you are so selfish!" Ummmmmm wth?!?!?!














You said you were too tired to run out. You said you would stay home with our _sleeping_ daughter (like I would want to wake her up and drag her out in the cold otherwise?) which meant you would still be *a.l.o.n.e.*!









It came up again today (not the ice cream specifically, but the miscarriage in general) and he _again_ called me selfish. Because I am still so hurt and angry at his behavior. I understand that it he experienced a loss as well (he was probably more excited than I was about the pregnancy), but it was *MY* miscarriage. And he left me high and dry to deal with the aftermath on my own. (Part of why I took it so hard was because it brought back unresolved anger surrounding the first 3ish months of dd's life. She was very high needs and cried all.the.time. But he was never home to help me - hanging out with friends was always more important. I had no support system and no transportation so I was pretty much stuck in the house alone with a screaming baby for hours. Yeah, still angry.)

Any advice on how I can let go of this? Since each of us thinks the other is the wrong, we are not moving forward. And at this point I am this close to leaving. (Well, there are other problems in the relationship, but this is the proverbial straw.) I just cannot imagine having another child with this man as it stands right now. I don't even like him enough to dtd to try to get pregnant again (it's been months - probably the conception was the last time). I am just so angry and disappointed.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

((hugs)) Wow. I mean... his behavior is really not cool, regardless of your loss. Have you thought about posting in parents as partners?

Ouch







I don't really have any good advice, but I couldn't read this and then not post.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

No advice. Just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. And for the aftermath that you've had to deal with on your own.


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NettleTea* 
No advice. Just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. And for the aftermath that you've had to deal with on your own.









Yes, this


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

I don't think there's a single soul here who would blame you for leaving. You'd get more support from family and friends as a single mother than you're getting from your alleged partner right now.

I think his behavior is nothing less than sickening and you have every right to be angry. I don't know what you could possibly do to be less angry, so I guess I have nothing to offer but a right-on-sister. Would he go to marriage counseling?

(BTW, my first marriage ended, thankfully without children involved, over TV and video games. So I can relate.)


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I could hear myself in so much of what your wrote and it makes me feel so sad that someone else has to go through it









In no way am I trying to minimize what you are thinking and feeling and clearly I don't know everything about your marriage... that said, I know personally that when I feel that angry it feels like the only thing that will be consequential is leaving or making him leave. But I also know that doesn't solve the true issue at hand.

From what you've said, it sounds like he "half" gets it... like maybe he gets that you need something if you ask for it, but he has a hard time looking past his own needs and/or seeing what you need himself. Maybe you've already tried it, but if not, you might consider seeing a councelor... and if you cannot afford that, maybe a minister/priest at your church (if you go) or someone who fits that mold in your life. Sometimes it just takes an outsider to show us what we're missing.

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm even more sorry that you are experiencing sanctuary trauma. I hope you are able to find peace and receive the love and support you so clearly deserve!


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

the totally sucking after a loss thing is pretty common. my DH did the same thing







in the case of my DH, the problem seemed to be that he couldn't really address it on an emotional level because he had no emotional response to it and didn't understand mine. he needed like a "list" of things he could DO: the getting me ice cream thing would've been fine.

what concerns me here is that with your DH it doesn't/didn't seem to be an issue of just needing really explicit tasks assigned to him--he understands what you wanted emotionally but is turning it around to make you out to be selfish.

i do have to say that when you say it was YOUR miscarriage, though, i could see how hurtful that could be for a man who is taking it hard. (OTOH my DH found it incredibly stressful when i tried to pin the loss on him as something that "happened to us"; to him it had nothing to do with him!).

but in any case, if i were you, i'd do counseling before i left him. he could just be really grieving the loss but totally unable to cope with it constructively, you know? it's not an excuse, but i could see how that might happen. sounds like you just need help understanding where the other is coming from in this.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lynn08* 
Any advice on how I can let go of this? Since each of us thinks the other is the wrong, we are not moving forward. And at this point I am this close to leaving. (Well, there are other problems in the relationship, but this is the proverbial straw.) I just cannot imagine having another child with this man as it stands right now. I don't even like him enough to dtd to try to get pregnant again (it's been months - probably the conception was the last time). I am just so angry and disappointed.









There are many good marriage counselors out there. Can you bring that up to him maybe that since the mc you've been feeling (my mom has psychology classes now in college and they say that that's a "good confrontation" word, lol) that there's something you should talk about. Having a third party there helps.

I remember on the night of my mc, I kept sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" to dh. My heart was actually gripped with fear that he would leave me for this reason. I thought he would think it was my fault. Is that maybe what your husband thinks?

As for the other problems, I just come back to seeking out a good marriage counselor. IMHO, children need both parents.


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

Thank you ladies. I appreciate the love and support. And the outside perspective. I was starting to think that maybe I really was overreacting and being selfish. And I probably am to some extent, but don't I have that right? If I can't be selfish and put my needs ahead of his at a time like this, when can I?

And it's not even like I was asking for the moon. The only thing I asked him to do was get me ice cream and (a week later) ask him to get up with dd so I could sleep in an hour or two. Is that so unreasonable? But that is why he thinks I am selfish - because I asked, and because I dared to be upset when he wouldn't.

And he says he would have done something if I had asked him to, but I was barely functioning that day and didn't have it together enough to even think of asking him to do anything. So maybe I have no right to be upset about that, but I feel that he should have just _known_ and taken over to relieve me, kwim? For example, dd would walk over to him with a book and he would just say, "sorry, baby, I'm too tired to read this - go ask momma." And I'd have to read to her, stopping partway thru to go to the bathroom to pass more clots. Or when she said she was hungry and dh asked me what I had wanted to do about dinner.









And I really do understand how devastating the loss was for him, but when I say it was MY miscarriage, I mean that I was the one experiencing the physical loss. And that it should have been me lying on the couch resting, not doing anything. Not him. (I never expressed to him that it was MY miscarriage, because I didn't want to trivialize his experience, but the way he acted was like he was the only one who was suffering and that I should set aside my very real physical needs for his emotional needs. If that makes any sense.)


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

As for counseling, he doesn't think _we_ need it. He thinks _I_ need it. For my anger issues. What he fails to comprehend is that I only have "anger issues" when I am beyond exhausted, burnt out, and worn down. Which happens because he does not lift a finger around the house.

<Sorry, I had a long rant about how little he does around the house, but decided that it belongs in PaP and is not really relevant to this particular conversation.>

I wish I could get him to go, because I don't really want get divorced. But I cannot honestly see things changing enough to make me want to stay and raise a family with him. Especially since he will not recognize that I experienced something physically and emotionally traumatic and that it wasn't about only about him. (I think this is what I am having the hardest time with - the fact that he expects me to consider his feelings when he refuses to consider mine.)

Ugh, I am so all over the place. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry honey







. The way he is behaving is totally unacceptable. In my opinion the best thing you can do is _tell him_ that you are thinking of leaving because of the way he behaves and the things he doesn't do and _tell him_ that if he wants to stay married he needs to go to counseling with you as a couple. If you aren't up front and direct about how much of an issue this is (ie that you are wanting to leave over it) he will be shocked and confused when you get fed up and go and aren't willing to work on the marriage. If you tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you are considering then he gets to make the choice with all of the information and he will have no one else to blame if he doesn't change.
I'm sorry for your loss


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

Lynn, you're definitely not alone in your struggles with your DH over this. Every person, every couple, and every relationship is different, but all need to learn how to process such a deep and painful loss.

I bumped a previous thread where women shared how a loss impacted their relationships... you'll see that everyone struggles differently, but the issues that you're grappling with are familiar to others. You may want to consider getting insight not only in this thread but in this one as well, and there are several other threads about relationship issues as well if you do a quick search. Right now everything is so raw and painful, maybe gaining insight on what others have done may help you find your own direction at a time where it's almost too exhausting to figure out which way is up.


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## tatum118 (Jan 13, 2010)

honestly if this is just about chocolate ice-cream, let it go! there's bigger problems out there and if you two are married now and want to stay together, then kiss and make up! You say he works so late? How often does he work to support the family? I need to know more about him to fully understand this situation!?!


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

Yeah, I hear ya... I've been dealing with anger issues FOREVER!!! If you ever want to send me a PM, I'm here.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tatum118* 
honestly if this is just about chocolate ice-cream, let it go! there's bigger problems out there and if you two are married now and want to stay together, then kiss and make up! You say he works so late? How often does he work to support the family? I need to know more about him to fully understand this situation!?!

No, this is not about chocolate ice cream. This is about a man who played video games and slept while leaving his wife holding the bag for EVERYTHING as she was going through a highly physical and emotional event. And then placed the blame squarely on her shoulders for her not getting ANY support at all, first saying she didn't ask for anything (false) and then saying she was selfish for asking for anything (when she asked for nothing more than ice cream and a morning to sleep in).

Honestly, I would never, ever, ever, ever forget this. I may stay married to the man forever, but unless he came to me and admitted just how AWFUL he was, I would never be able to look at him the same way again. I would know that if I ever needed anything, I'd be on my own. This is not a partnership or even a friendship. Even a GIRLFRIEND would have done more than the DH did - and he's supposed to be her HUSBAND, her ROCK.

Can you seriously say that the OP would be a true partner if, for example, her DH had a stroke and some loss (I added the loss because it's obviously not just the physical event but the emotional one too) but made him make dinner and take care of the kids and so on while PLAYING VIDEO GAMES? And that if she decided to do that, he should just let it go? He should just be happy they are still married and move on? And if he asked her to just run and get a soda to help his headache she'd magnaminously offer to "watch" the sleeping kids while HE went out and got it? And complain that she didn't want to let him sleep in the next morning because she wanted to stay up and play video games all night? And make it sound like she was actually up all night WORKING?


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
No, this is not about chocolate ice cream. This is about a man who played video games and slept while leaving his wife holding the bag for EVERYTHING as she was going through a highly physical and emotional event. And then placed the blame squarely on her shoulders for her not getting ANY support at all, first saying she didn't ask for anything (false) and then saying she was selfish for asking for anything (when she asked for nothing more than ice cream and a morning to sleep in).

Honestly, I would never, ever, ever, ever forget this. I may stay married to the man forever, but unless he came to me and admitted just how AWFUL he was, I would never be able to look at him the same way again. *I would know that if I ever needed anything, I'd be on my own. This is not a partnership or even a friendship. Even a GIRLFRIEND would have done more than the DH did - and he's supposed to be her HUSBAND, her ROCK.*

Can you seriously say that the OP would be a true partner if, for example, her DH had a stroke and some loss (I added the loss because it's obviously not just the physical event but the emotional one too) but made him make dinner and take care of the kids and so on while PLAYING VIDEO GAMES? And that if she decided to do that, he should just let it go? He should just be happy they are still married and move on? And if he asked her to just run and get a soda to help his headache she'd magnaminously offer to "watch" the sleeping kids while HE went out and got it? And complain that she didn't want to let him sleep in the next morning because she wanted to stay up and play video games all night? And make it sound like she was actually up all night WORKING?

Thank you for putting my feelings into words. The bolded part is exactly how I feel. I really wish it was about ice cream, tho - then I would know I was just being a hormonal b!#@* and just avoid him for a few days. But the miscarriage and subsequent actions/events just brought into focus all the other problems we were having before. And while I was more forgiving and willing to overlook certain behaviors before, I cannot think about anything _but_ them now. He let me down. That's what hurts so much.

(And to clarify, dh is a manager at a movie theater, so his schedule is a bit wonky to begin with. He does work 50+ hours a week, but he never brings work home. He just normally works the closing shift, which means he doesn't get home until the last person leaves - which can be as late as 2am, but normally during the week he's home before midnight. )


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

With my first ectopic, my DH was not there for me. It was so hard recovering from surgery and dealing with a year-old toddler and eventually I called my parents (who lived over 200 miles away) to come and help... they did, my mom stayed a week and both of them knocked sense into my DH. But it took that outside person to do it.

He isn't perfect, but her did better this time... and compared to how he totally abandoned me when I had PPD with my first DD, he's a saint. LOL

I guess my thinking on the subject is that I doubt I will find anyone who doesn't have issues with dealing with these kinds of things... they're tough and I'd rather have someone with me, fumbling through so that when things get better I'm not alone... improving together... than starting from scratch with someone else.

I am so, so sorry that you are having such a hard time and that he is not supporting you. I agree with a PP who said you need to tell him that your marriage depends on going to councelling together and improving together.


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

Again, thank you so much for all the advice/wisdom/support/etc. You ladies are THE BEST!!









So dh and I had a huge talk the other night. We discussed how the miscarriage affected us (individually and as a couple/family), how I was considering leaving because of his actions, everything. And a lot of good came from it. We are not "there" yet, but we are both working on it.

The big thing that came out was just how hard the loss was on him. He equated it to when he lost his father almost 10 years ago. It caused him to completely shut down. Which is why he was so unhelpful at the time. He didn't want to burden me, tho, since he figured I was dealing with my own "stuff", so he just clammed up. And he also didn't tell me about the car ride home from work that first night where he almost rear-ended a car because he just didn't see that it was stopped, waiting to turn. And that he only avoided hitting it because he swerved and ended up sideways in someone's front lawn. And he was still so shaken up by it and that was the real reason he didn't want to run out when I asked him later that night. If I had known that, I wouldn't have taken it so personally.









Anyway (sorry to still be so rambly - I wish I were more eloquent and concise







), he recognized how he let me down and apologized. And he has really stepped up around the house and with dd (he has actually done the dishes several times now - more in the last few days than our entire marriage!!!!). We are looking for a marriage counsellor that takes our (crappy) insurance and has hours that fit into our schedule.

We'll see what happens from here, but keep your fingers crossed for us!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so glad you've been able to begin clearing the air a little. *Fingers crossed for you*.


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

Thank you posting an update and I am so glad you are communicating with each other... so important!

All the best~~~~~


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

I'm still so sorry for what happened in your lives but I am so happy to hear the good news. Communication is a great thing... my dh sometimes clams up and I had to learn to remind myself that it wasn't my fault all the time.

I just want to say (and I do not mean to offend anyone) praise God! I have been praying for you and yours through this time. My offer's still open any time if you need/want to talk!


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