# 14 week loss - chose induced l&d story in post 27 (pretty detailed)



## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Just found out today that my baby died at approximately 14 weeks. I am 16 weeks. I was planning to see a midwife at a birth center for the pregnancy. She told us that we ought to see an OB to figure out what to do next. She mentioned going natural (that a doctor might not want that route this far along) and induction. From reading a bit online it seems there is also the option of surgery.

Could someone who's been here and/ or done the research help me out with the pros and cons of the options? I just don't know that I can research things right now. Thanks in advance.


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

My first loss was at 16 weeks as well, I found out about it because my body had started bleeding. I choose to let my body go naturally because a medical induction for loss carries the same risks as in full term labor. Surgery risks scarring of the tissue and cervix.

There are some herbal/homeopathic which can be used to try and start things, but it is possible that you might need a medical induction in the end. here are some bullets from my experience, certainly I am sure others have input. Feel free to call me in real life if you want to talk about it, I can talk (with distractions of navigating Lena) between 7-8. or around 930pm without distraction. xoxox

Pro of Dr doing it:

Access to pain relief (you don't have to "feel" it happen, depending on the Dr)

Faster

Not at home

Don't always have to see it

Cons:

Sterile environment

you might wish to be more involved with process later

possible risks, including scaring

Pros of herbal or at home:

You can often hold the baby if you want

at home familiar

Cons:

you are up close and personal

can be more messy

happens on your body's schedule (can be a pro depending how you see it)

Some links:

http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/motherhoodinthemountains/medical-miscarriage-vs-natural-vs-dc very brief break down.

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/natural-miscarriage-vs-medical-intervention (comments are from women who have made these choice- in case this board stays quiet.)

http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/miscarriage-support/801185-d-c-medical-evac-natural-miscarriage.html (another board)


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Aw, I didn't want you to find out while you were at work.

I am starting to have just a bit of spotting. I have a call into the midwife group I saw earlier in pregnancy: they work with OBs. The birth center is supposed to fax them the ultrasound results (although hubby mentioned wanting another ultrasound to make sure).


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

I wonder if the spotting is the start? Are you interested in another ultrasound?


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Just wait and see at this point about spotting. I'm not sure there's much point: the ultrasound tech seemed to be quite thorough about checking for a heartbeat then measuring the baby. If this was early (like 8 weeks), something might change but at 16 weeks? Doesn't seem possible.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for your loss allisonrose.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

I thought I was clear with the midwife group about what was going on and that I needed to see an OB but I got a call at 5:30 saying it isn't appropriate for them to refer me to their OBs since I wasn't a full fledged patient. I was so annoyed that they didn't figure that out sooner. The lady gave me a couple of names of OBs. I didn't want to just be cold calling OB offices though. I posted on a local mommy group looking for a compassionate OB and was given two names. I'm going to call up the office of the OB that was recommended by two separate people first thing this morning.

My husband thinks surgery is the best option. I am leaning towards surgery as well. I am having just a little bit of light spotting. Right now I can hold it together for a few minutes to maybe an hour before crying again. I only slept 4 hours last night. My younger son's birthday is next Friday and I would like to have this finished (physically) by then. I don't know if I can work on healing emotionally while still technically pregnant.


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

Argh I just wrote a long response and it disappeared. I am sorry they were not so caring. That is so aggravating.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

The problem seemed to be that the receptionist was hoping to help but who ever made the actual decision did not feel so inclined. I wasn't an established patient with them but they attempted to bill my insurance $330 for my "consult" with them. (Insurance denied it because of something with the coding and global billing.)

(I lost my first paragraph of my last post as well.)


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

I have an OB appointment at 9:15 tomorrow.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

The appointment went nearly as well as that type of appointment could go. I have the choice between induction or d&e. (I ruled out wait and see since baby passed about two weeks ago and my body is hanging on..) My hubby is encouraging d&e because he feels it will be easier but there's some part of me that feels it's a bit like trying to erase this baby. I ended up booking a d&e and was doubting the decision within an hour. Unfortunately the OB's office closed in between.

Then the realization dawned on me that they booked the d&e for the day before my younger son's birthday. I am feeling that that is too close for comfort. But again I can't do anything about it today.

I really wish that I could stop running into trouble and obstacles.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Double post


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## Mellybelle (Jan 12, 2013)

Just wanted to let you know about my own experience....

First of all I am so, so very sorry. Losing a baby is so devastating.

My baby also passed at 14 and a half weeks. I had some spotting, no cramping. I really thought everything was going to be ok but an ultrasound a couple of days later showed me that my baby had died. I was also given the choice of 'passing the tissue naturally' or a d&e. I was told there would be some severe cramping if I chose naturally, so i chose a d&e. Almost 3 years later I still regret my decision. I wish the hospital had given me more information. "Passing the tissue naturally" is actually labour and delivery, and severe "cramping" is contractions and labour pain. No one told me that at that almost 15 weeks gestation, baby is fully formed, just tiny. I could have held my baby and said goodbye. If they had explained all of this and told me I could have pain medication, then this is what i would have chosen.

Having a d&e in the hospital meant that my babies remains and my placenta could be tested, so i found out that my baby was a little boy and he was perfect with no chromosomal abnormalities.

A year later i lost another baby at 14 weeks. The doctor told me he didnt want me to pass the tissue naturally and again i was booked for a d&e the very next day. However i went into labour that night and rushed to a&e at 2.30am with very painful contractions. I wanted to deliver my baby in the hospital. We just made it to the hospital in time. The nurses took my baby away, but the doctor came to ask me if i wanted to see it, i told her we did. It was very healing to be able to hold our baby and say goodbye. I lost a lot of blood and needed an emergency procedure in A&E, then needed surgery the next day due to bleeding and clots. Tests were carried out again and showed this time our baby was a little girl and again she was perfect with no chromosomal abnormalities. We arranged a funeral and had our little girl cremated.

Some people dont want to see or hold their baby as they find it too painful. But if you feel you may regret not doing it as i do, then think very hard about your decision. Ask a lot of questions, including what the hospital does with your babies remains.

Again, i am so sorry for your loss. Sending you much love and healing vibes. xx


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Thank you, Mellybelle, for sharing your experiences. The OB did talk through both options quite a bit with us. She did talk a bit about the development of the baby at this point. I mentioned if we went that way that we weren't sure we wanted to see the baby and she said it was our choice but that many women find it helps. They will give us a picture of baby, sealed in an envelope, even if we decide not to view the baby in case we want to see later.

I am thinking about changing to induction. I think I want to see the baby but am unsure if I should allow my hubby. At first, he told me he didn't want to, then later said that if I feel I need to that he will be there for me and be strong for me. I don't want him to do it if it's going to haunt him.

I wish there weren't a billion little questions to figure out the answer to.


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## Mellybelle (Jan 12, 2013)

Since l lost my little boy i've met many 'angel mummys'. I didnt receive a lot of support from my family or friends because, after all, it was 'just a miscarriage'. I've had two early losses before, and I while early loss is devastating for some women, I was able to accept that these things happen sometimes. Second trimester loss, for me, was something entirely different. I dont like the word 'miscarriage' anyway.

One thing i've learned from many angel mums is that while a few regretted not seeing and holding their baby, i've never met one who regretted holding their baby.

Have you thought about what you will do with your babies body? Will the hospital do any tests?

Sorry if these questions are painful for you.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Have you thought about what you will do with your babies body? Will the hospital do any tests?

(The quote feature doesn't seem to work on my tablet.)
I'm thinking of cremation but I don't know how my hubby will feel about that. The doctor did mention chromosomal testing which I think I want to do so that might conflict with the thought of cremation....


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## Mellybelle (Jan 12, 2013)

They use the placenta for DNA and chromosomal testing, although it still took 6 weeks for me to get my babies body back. I'm not sure if the hospital used any of babys tissue for testing.

We chose cremation because here in Australia, there are no burial rights for children born under 20 weeks gestation. So I couldnt bury her in a cemetary. I didnt want to bury her in my back yard either.

I have my little girls ashes in a beautiful silver box urn..


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

I called the OB's office and asked to switch. I am waiting for them to call back (has been two hours). In the meanwhile, the hospital called so I told that lady that I'm changing my mind and waiting on the OB. She told me to call them back to let them know. Yet another call I really don't want to make.

My hubby and I are paying for my mom to come down to help out and since I hesitated on booking the flight, the price went up $100.


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

That is incredibly fustrating! I know Southwest had some really good deals, not sure which airline you are using. I hope the office calls back soon, maybe ask them if they could make the call to the hospital for you??


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Four hours since I called. No call back yet.

Southwest does have good rates typically but we live an hour from one of their hubs so it costs nearly double to fly into the airport 10 minutes away. I would only save $20 to have her fly with SW into the far hub airport rather than take United into the close airport.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Finally heard from the doctor's office and was told "we scheduled you for induction on Wednesday". Argh. My hubby didn't want to change the day. Somehow a flight tomorrow night was the same cost as a flight Wednesday morning so my mom will be here. Although I may have to keep my older son home from preschool due to the timing of the appointment tomorrow to insert the laminaria (however that is spelled).


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

None of this so far has been easy for you (not that if everything went easy, it would even be easy at all.) However I am glad you know what is going on instead of all this up in the air they had you operating with.

Did they say how long you will stay in the hospital for?

I am glad it worked out for the flights.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Yeah there have been some roadblocks.

No, I don't know how long I'll be in the hospital. It will probably depend on how long the induction takes and if there are complications.


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## mamatoabirdie (Dec 8, 2012)

I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss. I seems just so completely unfair that you have to cope with the loss of your child AND arrangements with doctors. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family and please remember that you have people there with you, in spirit, tomorrow.


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## kn1985 (Jan 14, 2013)

I am 5 weeks pregnant and started bleeding like a period two days ago. I am so scared it's a m/c , I guess I'm on here looking for comfort


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## Mellybelle (Jan 12, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kn1985*
> 
> I am 5 weeks pregnant and started bleeding like a period two days ago. I am so scared it's a m/c , I guess I'm on here looking for comfort


Hope everything is ok.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

The story of my "labor" and delivery: (could be triggering or simply TMi for some)
I was told to be at hospital between 6:30 and 7 am. We had to register then got shown to a room. The nurse tried to get an IV started with no luck. Another nurse tried. They called in the anesthesiologist who got it in. The doctor had a delivery first and around 9 she inserted cytotec. I signed the consent forms thinking that they are not giving everyone the whole story (if that is they using it on full term women with no mention of risk). Around 12 the cramping got more intense. The nurse came by about 12:30. She asked how uncomfortable I was. I told her "somewhat". She said let's wait for the doctor to come by at 1 and we'll see where you are and about an epidural. I wish I would have spoken my mind and asked for IV pain meds then. Just before 1 I felt a pop and a gush. I paged the nurse. I was too scared to look down and see if it was blood or fluid. Another gush before the nurse came in. It was blood. The doctor came in and asked me to push and baby was out. They cut the umbilical cord, the doctor looked over baby and let me see. She said although baby was small that it was a boy: there was a teeny, tiny penis. His body was breaking down since he passed away in utero approximately 3 weeks prior.
She pointed out that his cord looked narrow towards his body and this could be an indicator of a cord accident. If the chromosome testing comes normal then I am going to hold onto the theory that it was maybe a cord accident. After all it is just so hard to believe that a perfectly healthy baby would just die.
Then things got more urgent since I was still bleeding and the placenta wasn't coming out. While the doctor was attempting to grab the placenta, the nurse went for pain meds for me. By the time they got the meds administered and they kicked in, the doctor decided it was best to bring me in for surgery. Wish those meds who had been active while doctor was trying to manipulate the placenta. She said the surgery wasn't too invasive. The placenta needed a bit of coercing to detach but not a lot of scraping.
There were definitely points where I wished we'd gone for the d&e but in the end, I am glad I saw my son. Of course I wish surgery hadn't been necessary but hopefully this way was easier on my reproductive health. Today I feel like I do want another baby someday....
They gave us a memory box with a little hat (which would have been enormous on him), blanket, other little things and some footprints. After seeing him, my husband did decide to have a priest come by to bless our baby for which he selected the name Marshall. (He has always liked that name but I always vetoed it.) For a while he had the opinion that this wasn't real. It was a "fetus" not a baby. Ever since seeing him so still on the ultrasound, this was a baby to me.

From where I stand now the only thing (that i could control) that I would change is asking for pain meds sooner.

Rest in peace, my tiny Marshall.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Thank you for sharing your story allisonrose. I wish you a peaceful, gentle, easy recovery in all aspects of this journey. Rest in peace little one







.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Got the call about the chromosome testing today: normal. Somehow this is bad news to me. He would have been healthy if he had lived. So why didn't he live?


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## mamatoabirdie (Dec 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *allisonrose*
> 
> Got the call about the chromosome testing today: normal. Somehow this is bad news to me. He would have been healthy if he had lived. So why didn't he live?


I am so sorry, mama. that is totally heartbreaking. please be patient and loving towards yourself at this time. sending your family lots of healing vibes.


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## philothea (Jun 14, 2012)

Allisonrose, I am so so sorry! I lost my first baby at 16 weeks in 2011 and it was/still is the hardest thing that's EVER happened to me. Wish I knew you in real life and we could help each other grieve and support each other. I cry everytime I think about my baby. Thank you for sharing your experience. I cried for you and found it moving that you delivered your little boy. I wish I was given that option. I had a horrible experience at the hospital and they just moved me through like a machine and did a D&C. I always regret not asking to see my baby (they didnt offer or I would have definitely said yes) and I never knew the gender. I wish (as hard as it is) that I could've had that closure, so I hope that (at the very least) you dont have to deal with the regret on top of your pain. Truly, I dont know what else to say other than that you've been on my heart and in my prayers since I first read your post a few days ago but was too overwhelmed to respond right away. Feel free to PM me if you need to. I too keep asking "why" and am conflicted with how something so hard and painful can happen to us. I dont know. Big hugs to you from me


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Thanks, Philothea.

Had my two week check up this morning. OB said I seem to be healing well. She asked if I saw midwives for my previous pregnancies and I told her yes. She said something about if you get pregnant again that they are willing to let patients do whatever in labor as long as everything looks good. Seemed a bit tacky. I'm still working on processing what happened. I'm not sure about going to the same hospital and having the same doctor for a live birth as for a miscarriage. I don't know that I will have the courage to have an out of hospital birth if/when we have another baby.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Wow, that's not only tacky but rude as well







. Ick...


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## celestialdreamer (Nov 18, 2004)

Just wanted to say I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet little baby and all you have had to go through.


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

Sometimes I wonder if they even realize what comes out of their mouth. My dr said something like we could keep trying anytime we wanted to and that there was nothing wrong with me. It wasn't an empowering kind of discussion, it was a brief sterile comment during our follow up. I was a little annoyed and we didn't try again for a few years. Of course losing 2 more didn't seem to fit in my mind nothing was wrong with me. I certainly felt very conflicted.
I am surprised that my general practitioner found out and contacted me to check my thyroid levels (and other blood levels) and discovered my thyroid was hardly functioning. He suggested that could very well be a leading cause for the losses and initiated getting my thyroid on track. Thinking back I think "look my body wasn't as perfect as they thought."
I had DD at the same hospital I was diagnosed with my loss. Since I didn't labor the baby there is wasn't as triggering however sometimes my prenatals were emotionally hard for that reason. However I think my birth with dd was kind of healing in it's own way- but it was almost 7 years later- so it took a lonnnnnng time to get there.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

I know my thyroid was checked circa 2007 and again in 2010: within normal range. Unfortunately pathology didn't take a look at the baby because we elected to have him cremated. He was cremated with other miscarried and stillborn babies and we will not receive ashes but the thought of him being treated as medical waste was depressing. However I don't believe the nurse told us that meant no pathology. My OB reiterated that the condition of the cord suggested cord accident to her but I wish we could have gotten a second opinion.

We are cleared to TTC after two periods but we plan on waiting till my hubby's job situation is more stable. As I am 32, I would prefer to have another baby before 35. There is also the chance that we might decide for whatever reason that we prefer to stay as a family of 4.

I have reservations about that hospital for a natural birth regardless because they banned doulas after some sort of incident.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

You know, on second thought I will ask my primary care doctor about checking my thyroid whenever I go in for my yearly check up. Can't hurt since they will be drawing blood anyway.


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## philothea (Jun 14, 2012)

For what it's worth to you... and only that, I'll tell you my story:

I had to wait 3 cycles (3 months) to TTC again and we did try and got pregnant with my dd who is now 8 months old. It was exciting and I was incredibly grateful and happy while reading the positive sign on the pregnancy test, but it was also scary and I couldnt help thinking "what if it happens again? What if I lose this one?" Of course while pregnant I carried the love and knowledge of my first baby in my heart and mind and still do! Having my 2nd baby was incredibly healing. She did not in any way replace dd1 but in the same manner that a mother of 2 children loves them equally yet distinctively. Thats what happened to me. It was very challenging though because throughout the pregnancy I was afraid I wasnt bonding with my second baby as well because
I would sometimes be afraid of attaching to her and then losing her, ya know. I would struggle with going through various emotions: I have joy and love this baby living inside me, I have sorrow and I miss dd1, im excited to meet dd2, im afraid I'll lose this baby also. And so on. It was so good and healing for me though bc it challenged me to confront my fears and feelings that I may not have done otherwise. On many occassions i cried to dh and he cried and we were just raw with each other. Losing dd1 changed our lives forever; it changed our perception of the world and of everything; it changed who we are. Then when dd2 was born, she brought so much love and life into our lives. I truly believe our children are meant to (among other things) teach us and form us into better versions of ourselves, and both my babies did this.

You mentioned something about not knowing if you could have another baby out of the hospital and again, for what it's worth, I had her at home with a mw. Not saying that's the best way for everyone but I wasnt sure if I could do it and I did. And it was the best for me. So if down the road you want to, I hope that gives you courage and that you know you can too!


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Philothea - Honestly I have huge regrets from not being as attached to this baby as I could have been. I am sad that this baby didn't get as many waves of love as my previous pregnancies. I think I would want to go into another pregnancy without guarding my heart/emotions.

At this time, I am unsure about another child. Life will be more complicated with another little one. If I were closer to family, I think it would be easier.

If I get pregnant again, I might see a hospital- privileged provider in the beginning and then decide later on where to actually birth. Being with an out of hospital provider made this miscarriage even more miserable than it might have been due to having to switch providers and cold calling OB offices. Also the OB recommended increased monitoring during the time I miscarried next time around which I think that will give me peace of mind and will be easier to get from a more traditional provider.


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## philothea (Jun 14, 2012)

I totally understand Allisonrose. That makes a lot of sense. I hope everything works out for the best for you!


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I had the same situation and opted for a D&C. The morning it was scheduled for, I began spotting on my own and figure I would've had a "typical" miscarriage (if there is such a thing--in part, I mean on my own).

For me, it was comforting to be with my OB, whom I trusted immensely, and have it done with instead of waiting and being scared.

Love to you.


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