# My 6 year old has turned into a brat



## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

I lurk here a bit, but I'm not a regular poster by any means. But, I could really use some suggestions for "handling" my 6 1/2 year old son.

T is a handful. He just finished public school kindergarten, and has a fun summer filled with vbs, daycamps and soccer. We swim a lot, he has trees to climb, fun inside activities that he loves (legos, he reads voraciously, and loves arts/crafts). My mom takes him to the library 1x/week for crafts and whatnot as she's able. He craves structure, and I do my best to provide that without overscheduling him.

For the last, hmmmm, 3 months or so, he's been increasingly difficult to parent. His normal, age-appropriate behavior has become so intense that he's begun throwing tantrums equal to those that his 2 year old brother throws, or worse. He screams, throws himself to the ground, kicks me, etc. He is openly and deliberately defiant - I told him just this afternoon "you may not jump backwards into the pool. You can't see the water and you might land on someone and hurt them". He immediately climbed out and jumped in backwards yet again. I said "we need to talk to the lifeguard, let's ask them if it's safe to jump in backwards". Tantrum, so we had to leave the pool deck and come home, where he proceeded to tell me that I'd dragged him to the pool against his will, he hates me and he hopes I never speak to him again. Remember, he's 6 1/2, and these are not new rules in his life. He corrects me with great rudeness "Mummy, you're wrong. I'm right. You don't know what color that is, you're just wrong".

This is NOT my child's normal behavior. Even when he's pushed the limits before, he's not done so with such tenacity. He's told me several times today how much he hates me, and how much he never wants to play with me. I've heard "I won't play with you today" since he was old enough to talk, but he's never told me he hates me before. He's only 6 1/2 years old.







He has really become a bratty, disrespectful, unpleasant child.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

When you've sat down with him, not in the heat of the moment and shared your observation that he seems unhappy, what has he said?


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

He's not willing to discuss it. He's not a "talker" in normal circumstances - by this I mean that he can't tell me details about his schoolday, for example, whehn I ask him to do so. I need to wait and be patient for the day to unfold in story format as he's ready to tell me about it. So sitting him down and saying "what's going on" gets me things like "I don't know. Can I have a popsicle?", or "there's nothing wrong, I just didn't want to swim anymore so I told you we could come home". A big, big issue in this is that he's 6 1/2 years old, but he has reading and verbal skills in the 3rd grade range. He gets waaaay ahead of himself.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

He sounds like a normally intense kid who has hit the roof lately. He sounds very sensitive. A couple things jump to mind.

First - your baby is due in a month, correct? So, maybe T is freaking out about that, on some level. Maybe its something he's not even aware of -- anxieties that are lurking below the surface that he can't articulate, so he acts out instead. I think this common in kids right before a big change. It probably won't do a lot of good to ask him point blank, but maybe it would be helpful to have some heart-to-heart talks about what to expect with the baby, and giving him some constructive tasks to help with getting ready. Also, try giving him some dolls (mother, father, brother and baby) to act out some stories with, and lots of art supplies to work with. He might be able to express some things through art and play that are hard to do with words.

Second, the time between spring break and about 2 weeks into summer vacation is notoriously a hard stretch of time with school age kids, and this would be your first time experiencing that as a mom. After spring break, they are mentally spent, and so are all their friends. So are their teachers, for that matter. They feed off each other's restless energy at school, and then bring their angst home again. And then it takes a couple of weeks to adjust to the transition into the summer schedule.

Those are just some thoughts about "why" for whatever they are worth. Soetimes when you have some ideas about the cause, its easier to come up with a constructive solution.


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## bl987ue (Mar 14, 2006)

My son is the same age, only he did his big freakout about 3 months ago. His teacher told me that she just expects it to happen--that it is a developmental stage and they get really bratty second semester of kindergarten year. They test limits and throw their weight around to see who is boss, and eventually they calm down. What has helped us with the transition from little kid to "big kid" was to help our boy learn to handle the strong feelings he has. "Being angry is okay--using your body to express it is not. Use your words. Everybody gets mad." Etc, etc, etc. It has seemed to help. We don't see the huge tantrums anymore--now we get treated to "I am SO MAD at both of you right now. I'm just FURIOUS! I'm more than furious--I'm LIVID with both of you."


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

Yes, he is very, very sensitive. At the beginning of the schoolyear he had a tough time with the discipline policy, b/c he was so sad for the kids who weren't able to comply. He's the sympathetic cryer, the preschooler who cried in the church sunday school room whenever anyone else got upset.

I have wondered about the baby's impending arrival, b/c I'm very nervous about it myself, and I'm sure that's having an effect on him. He's very loving to his 2 year old brother, and this baby already as well, but change is still change. I don't think he'd be willing to play with a doll or similar, as he rejected that concept when I was pg with my now-toddler. Instead, we read a lot of books, watched a few movies and talked constantly about it. He's less interested in talking this time, and more into feeling my stomach and touching me, even talking about breastfeeding, etc.

We have been saying "you must control your body. your hands and legs have to be in control, not flying all over the place." I like the idea of being more specific though, to include the body expression itself as the point of issue. I can't stand to hear "i hate you", though it just pulls me apart. I'd SO rather hear him say "i'm livid with you", because he WOULD say something like that if he'd use his crazy amazing verbal skills for talking through his anger and frustration. I'm really at a loss to figure out why he won't, or can't, do that.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Have you read Ames and Ilg's Your Six-Year Old for the developmental info? You might find that helpful; sounds like he's in a time of disequilibrium.

You might also find Dealing With Disappointment helpful since it gives concrete ideas on how to teach kids self-coping skills. It sounds like he's "acting out" when he's angry/disappointed about something and doesn't have the skills to act appropriately.

Also, you mentioning church and VBS I thought you might be interested in the forums at Gentle Christian Mothers.


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

Thanks for the links, I'll give them a look!


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

You bet, hope it's helpful!


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

How's his sleep?

Author Mary Sheedy Kurchenka has a book called Sleepless in America that is about how many common behavior problems are caused by not getting enough sleep.


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

11 hours/night, every night. I'm a Weisbluthh follower, and while I realize he's not the most popular author around here, it's always worked well for us. He's in bed every night by 8pm, and gets up on his own around 7-ish. During the school year he went to bed at 7:30 or earlier, as I had to get him up at 6am. He shares a room with his toddler brother, which does at times make bedtime a bit nutty, but barring major events, we're very consistent. I agree, sleep is paramount when it comes to behavior in young children.


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

Meghan, THANKS for the book link!!! Even just reading the summary and reviews was helpful. This morning was a lot less frustrating for everyone, and I did manage to curb my need for him to be dressed this afternoon and he's running around naked downstairs building something with his legos while his brother naps. He hasn't fought me or flipped out at all (yet) today.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Glad it was helpful...which one were you referring to?


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

The "your sixe-year old" book. Even my stuck-in-his-ways, fairly authoritarian southern husband was surprised by how well it described what's been going on lately.


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