# 2 year old ds kicked out of daycare!!!



## ecrocks23

My 2 year old ds was kicked out of daycare about 2 months ago for being too aggressive with the other toddler. He used to mostly pinch and pull hair, but about a week before he was kicked out he began biting as well (he also screams often in protest as well). A couple of parents formed a coalition against my son and pressured the owner to kick him out. Since then I've found a great daycare that wants to help us through this phase. Ds was there barely two weeks when I was called in for a conference. Luckily, it was very constructive so I'm confident he's in a very good place. The thing is, I'm not sure how much a phase this is. He's been aggressive since he was a year old, although it mostly was directed toward me when he was younger. Now, although he occassionally will hurt me, it's mostly directed toward his friends. It's reached the point where it's difficult to take him around other kids. For example, we were in Sears last week waiting for his pictures and he went up to a little girl and pinched her cheek. Now, he stays in the stroller or cart everywhere we go because I can't even trust him around any kids.

He's very bright and I think he mostly does this out of frustration, or attention. I've done lots of things to try and change his behavior...from telling him no and removing him from the situation...to time-outs...to leaving places when he acts up...to walking away and ignoring it. Honestly, I wouldn't think much of this if I were able to stay home with him and care for him all the time (which I can't b/c I'm a single mom). It's the other parents and the daycares that have made me wonder if something is wrong with my son. He's been evaluated through early intervention and he scored average or above average in everything they screened him for. I've taken him to a psychologist and he thought ds was okay and recommended the run-of-the-mill stuff I've already tried. My mom is even making comments to me that something might be wrong with ds and if I don't do something about it, it will get worse.

I just don't know what to do or where to go


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## Autumn Breeze

No advice, but sympathy. My ds was usually the kid who would end up hurting another kid at play group. We stopped going, which was hard and sad for both of us. I enjoyed the interaction of other adults, (other MDC mama's at that) but he was so rough that someone would always get hurt, so we'd have to leave early or not go all together.

We're still working on it too.


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## Mama Poot

Instead of taking him out of his home for care, could you get a care provider to come to you instead? This way your child has one on one attention with someone ( which sounds to me like he really needs that right now ) and you don't have to worry about him picking on other kids and getting "kicked out" of daycare. I don't think anything is wrong with your child either. My 16mo is quite aggressive sometimes and easily frustrated. Its just a phase. I doubt he will grow up to be a felon just because he pinches and hits other kids right now. I mean, isnt this normal toddler stuff? I think it is, and the problem parents like you and myself are running up against is people's diminishing tolerance of young children. If the kid doesn't sit there like a freaking statue and watch videos like a little zombie then somehow they are thought of as "misbehaved" and labels start getting slapped on the kid like "hyperactive" or "ADD". I can't believe my son is only 16 months old and I'm already dealing with this. Sorry to rant. I really hope you find a solution, and most importantly a care provider who isnt predjudiced against young children.


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## mavery

I don't think I have any advice but I can think of plenty of "good" reasons that toddlers and young preschoolers behave this way, most of which don't have anything to do with there being something really abnormal.

The more you and the daycare provider can narrow down the situations in which he is likely to behave this way, the more chance you have of finding ways to deal with it. Is he otherwise comfortable around other kids? Are his verbal skills good? Does he have other ways of interacting with kids which are not aggressive? I'm sure you've gone through these kinds of things already. The other thing I wonder is, is it possible he has food or other allergies?

Good luck, I hope your new daycare provider is a help.


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## heartmama

We rarely went to playgroups inside homes for over a year~from 18m- 3yrs old.

The only way ds could be around other kids without shoving, pinching, or hitting them was to meet up at a park. With all the room and play stuff he was too distracted to focus on the other kids long enough to hit them







:

It is a phase. Nothing got ds through it but time (I tried everything GD, nothing worked). He just had to mature to the point where he had better ways to communicate. There was nothing wrong or abnormal IMO~he is 10 and has been a non-hitter and excellent communicator since he was about 3 and a half. He just took a long time to get over the hitting phase.

I second the idea of in-home care. If I had left ds, that would have been the only way it could have happened during that stage.


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## guestmama9916

We're in a great daycare that doesn't kick kids out for biting and such. They work with the child and the parents to resolve it. There is a little girl in my son's class that was a horrible biter. She was the worst biter that the daycare directors had ever seen. She bit someone almost daily (incl the caregivers) for over a year! She would kick, scream, slap and bite the caregivers at naptime! I thought something must be wrong with her for her to behave that way all the time. It was also frustrating to have my own child bitten repeatedly by this little girl for such a long time but now I'm glad the daycare has the policy that it does. This little girl is now the funniest, cutest, sweetest little girl I know! I don't know if the parents did anything different but when they all moved up to the 3 year old class, she became a different child - probably because the 3 yr old caregivers really work with the kids to use their words to solve problems instead of acting out. Hang in there mama! It sounds like you've done everything sensible as far as having him evaluated and talking to a pyschologist about it. The only other thing that you might consider is food allergies or sensitivities. I don't know much about them myself but I do know that red food dye is a big trigger for alot of kids.
Take care,

Kim


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## straighthaircurly

Most likely it is a phase although with my son we are learning that some of it has to do with sensory processing problems that he has. My ds has always been prone to aggression as his way of dealing with stress. It became really bad around 20-23 months when he was moved into the toddler group at daycare. In his situation, there were too many kids and too little nurturing. The teacher called us in for conference after conference trying to get ideas. I ran out of ideas for her since the problems at home were less severe. Finally I realized he was just under too much stress there and quit my job (almost cost me my marriage). After 2 months of being home with me, he was able to deal with being in public again. He was much happier, napped better, was more loving and caring toward his friends, etc. Now that he is 3+ and we are trying some limited preschool, we are seeing similar aggression (minus the biting) toward classmates when he is tired or overwhelmed. The teacher and I realized some other clues and are having him checked for sensory processing disorder. Just some thoughts for you. Good luck, I know how tough this is. I dreaded picking up my ds from daycare each day because there would always be another incident report. It made me so sad.


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## hhurd

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
...the problem parents like you and myself are running up against is people's diminishing tolerance of young children. If the kid doesn't sit there like a freaking statue and watch videos like a little zombie then somehow they are thought of as "misbehaved" and labels start getting slapped on the kid like "hyperactive" or "ADD".

Sing it, sister!
My very least favorite label is "bully" when applied to very young children. Arghhh.


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## ecrocks23

Thanks for all your feedback. I've often wondered if there are some kids who just cannot handle a group daycare setting. I've thought about in-home care, but right now I'm pretty impressed with his daycare and how suppportive they're being. It's strange how ds has his bad days (glad someone can relate to the incident reports...in our case it's usually a stack), but then other days are great. I'm going to look further into the food allergy/sensitivity thing. Overall though, I agree...all in due time.

Thanks!


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## Kathryn

I haven't read the thread, but I used to own an inhome daycare. Because of liability and sanitary issues, biters were given 2 weeks to fix the issue or they were terminated or temporarily made to stay home until the phase was passed.


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## GooeyRN

I don't think there is anything wrong with your son. Its pretty normal for toddlers to be aggressive. Its most likely just a phase. He won't turn out to be an ax murder or anything. I hope that the new day care works out better. Maybe they can give him more one on one time, and try to remove him BEFORE he hurts someone. (like when they see him begin to get frustrated) If that doesn't work, I would look into home care. I hope that all works out well for you and your son.


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## 2tadpoles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
I mean, isnt this normal toddler stuff? I think it is, and the problem parents like you and myself are running up against is people's diminishing tolerance of young children.

It is normal toddler behavior. But that doesn't mean all toddlers do it. Just like being rebellious might be normal teen behavior, but not all teens are rebellious.

Both of my kids went to home daycares when they were little....full time. That's when I was in the Navy. My DS1 was in full-time daycare from the age of 6 weeks, all the way up until Kindergarten. DS2 was in daycare until he was 3.5.

My kids aren't angels. The oldest was a handful, even. But they weren't hitters or biters. They might have shoved a kid here or there if someone was trying to take something that they were playing with, but they weren't aggressive children. My kids were usually the ones getting hit or bitten.

Ironically, I wasn't a "gentle" parent. Both of my children got occasional spankings, time-outs, etc. Like I said, I was a military mama....I breastfed and didn't circ, but wasn't particularly AP. We didn't co-sleep, didn't wear our kids, none of that. Amazingly enough, my boys are well-adjusted, sociable people and haven't ever been prone to unwarranted aggression.









To the OP....I feel for you. I think what the other mamas said about trying to find daycare in your own home might be the best thing. Or maybe you could even bring him to someone else who might not have other kids in the house. I once used a home-daycare provider who just wanted a _little bit_ of extra money, and my son was the only child she cared for.


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## boobybunny

Hey 2tp

Is that you?

AA


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## mistymama

There is no way I could have left my son in daycare at 2 years old .. the very same thing would have happened. He was agressive and speech delayed so he would get super frustrated and head butt people, hit, you name it.

I think you are doing the right things with him. Deal with it immediately, give him alternatives and words to use instead of physical stuff, and he will most likely grow out of it. I know my son did, and especially once his language caught up and he was not so frustrated all of the time.

I am a single Mom as well, so I certainly understand how hard that can be. I was able to get my Mom to stay with DS while I worked part time ... we made all kinds of sacrifices to make that work until he was ready to be in a more formal setting, with other children. Do you think you could have a caregiver watch him in your home?

FWIW, my son is 4 now and super sweet, and rarely agressive. He does have moments, but heck, most kids do. I would try to not look at this as a problem with your son (he sounds pretty darn normal, he's not the only agressive 2 year old out there!) and maybe try to find a care situation that's better suited for his personality and development right now.


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## Potty Diva

We have a child who is aggressive in our center as well. He has been with us since he was 6 weeks old and has been aggressive since he began being mobile. He is three years old now. He has an older sister who is 5 and very mellow and a younger sister who is 13 months old and just as aggressive as he hs, but they are not aggressive with each other either at the center or at home.

We, as caregivers just don't know what to do. We redirect, talk to him about how pushing and shoving hurt his friends, etc. We offer alternatives to rough play with friends, etc. Last week a child pushed him and he plowed into this child, knocking him to the ground. He was about 30 feet from us and as we went toward him he started punching him in the face like a grown man! It was shocking. We yelled for him to stopped as we were approaching and that just seemed to get him going and as he was being pulled off the child he grab the child's face and held on. The little boy he was attacking raised off the ground while C was still grabbing his face.

On the flipside C is the most adorable, loving boy. He has been with us for so long and his family is friends with us, my bosses (my husband, boss, and several family members from our center all went to school with C's mom and dad- we are a close bunch) and he is like one of ours.

There is no way he will be kicked out of our center, but what are our options?

I strongly disagree with kicking a child out because they do not fit a certain mold, and am glad you have found a happy place for your son.


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## angela&avery

At a center I worked at we had a couple biters that were problems. We found that shadowing the child as much as possible for a week or two was a huge help! The center should be willing to assess their environment to come up with solutions to the problem. We did not commonly have biters, I think because of the way we ran our room. When there was an aggressive child, we would log times that he acted out, what he was doing, what time of day , to try to figure out when he was most apt to bite. We found transition times, times when its a bit crazier, when all the kid are together and that he bit mostly children that were smaller. We used to break up the group in two one on each side of the room (we had a rug side and table side with floors).. one side would be playing toys, one side doing an activity. If he was particularly aggressive we would keep him busy at the table for a while to calm him down. And when he was with a group of kids just playign he was shadowed. ****The care giver with the group would literally walk around behind him so that she could intercept before he made contact.*** This is sooo important.. it literally breaks the habit.. It would take just a couple weeks.... then he would get better... we would back off...if he relapsed, we would start shadowing again..... then he would get better, we woudl back off, etc etc.... . until it was resolved..

We were able to stop the biters that we had this way.. one child in particular always bit the same child.. it was horrible so we had had had to stop him, or the mother was going to pull the other child..... thats how we did it.


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## angela&avery

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
There is no way I could have left my son in daycare at 2 years old .. the very same thing would have happened. He was agressive and speech delayed so he would get super frustrated and head butt people, hit, you name it.

.

we had a child at our center that was like this, what ultimately worked for him was teaching him sign language and all the other kids too. When he signed stop, the children were to stop doing whatever it is that was frusterating him.. this stopped a ton of his aggression. He used to bite.


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## monkey's mom

Both my kids will get super aggressive like that after consuming salycilates (found in fruits and juice) or dairy. YOu might check out the Feingold diet and see if that doesn't make a difference. It is NIGHT and DAY for my guys. Good luck, mama!


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## 2tadpoles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
Hey 2tp

Is that you?

AA

Yep.









Small world....er....web, eh?

Gosh....your boobs are _everywhere_!


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## Potty Diva

I KNEW it was you Jill!!!!


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