# Moving Toward Our Grief...



## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when our baby dies. I can't heal unless I openly express my grief. Denying my grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embracing my grief and starting to heal...

Reconciling my grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Being patient and tolerant with myself, never forgetting that the death of my baby changes my life forever. It's not that I won't be happy again; it's simply that I will never be exactly the same as I was before Gracie died.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is my ability to help myself heal. In doing the work of grieving, I am moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in my life.

*Today I embrace my grief and am looking forward to the healing that is happening in my life and all of your lives too!!*

*How has your grief opened the door to healing in your life?*


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Hmmmmm......how has my grief opened the door to healing in my life?

For me, I think it has shown me my strengh, my inner spiritual strengh. There are soooo many moments in time where I have thought "I can't BELIEVE I'm living through this! How can I bear this?!" So, kicking and screaming, and very reluctant to acknowledge the depth of my strengh.....that has been the begining of the healing process for me. Also the acknowledgment that, like you Jackie, I will NEVER be the same person I was before Sophia died. I think just that acknowledgment alone takes alot of strengh to realize - to know that not only did your child die, but so also did a part of you. I think that when we grieve for our children, we also grieve for that part of our innocense that has been forever lost. Climbing out of that despair and moving toward a different kind of wholeness - that too takes strengh. D**m......strengh sucks sometimes........







:

Other doors this has opened for me - well, I'm working through my anger and into a deeper compassion for people, especially pregnant mamas who may have very well suffered losses as well, and I just don't know about them. I'm hoping for deeper compassion, anyway, eventually.

Thanks for asking such a thought-provoking question! Got anymore?

Jen


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

J- right now I can only focus on how my grief has changed me for the worse. (Guess I'm going through an angry phase). I am going to think about this question more though. Thanks for asking it.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

It is a hard one...look and see how many have replied...NOT MANY...you actually have to think and you can't bullsh*t your way through it.

Grief is like that...the only way through it is KEEP GOING...just don't pitch a tent!!


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

It is still a good question to ask - and yes, a very difficult one. And I think you're right, Jackie - this is not a question you can bullsh*t your way through. Which is what makes it so hard to answer....! >grrrrrr<









I realized, thinking more about my grief process, that I'm actually proud of all the emotional work I've done in these 5 months since Sophie died; proud of every moment of rage, every moment of anguish, every moment of appreciation and every bittersweet memory; I feel fortunate to have been able to channel my grief into journaling and my spiritual studies. But wow! has it been HARD WORK!!!!!!! I find that I literally have to carve out the time to grieve; doing it when my son is visiting at his biological father's place, or after my husband and son are in bed and asleep. I've realized that I simply do my best grieving when I'm alone.

I am begining to believe that the process of grief can be a great teacher about one's self and how one moves through the world. It's a sucky kind of teacher, but your right J - it can open doors when you are ready for them to open. And that's the other thing too - that this is such an individual process for all of us.

Blessings of Insights to you,









Jen


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Jen, Thank you for your replies...
You are a great thinking and writer.








You mentioned something along the lines of carving out time to grieve. I so can relate to this. It is like I have to make an appointment with myself to grieve. And I do agree that I grieve best alone. It is the sorrow that kicks my a** from time to time.
I know when I am right in the middle of it too...because my body screams at me. I ache, I don't sleep well, I don't eat enough, I want to smoke and I haven't smoked in years, I want to say really hurtful things to the ones I love...on and on....grief is strange.

Pain and loss are part of life. *No matter what I do, I will not be able to change that fact.* But with the people here at MDC and IRL to support me and my spiritual path to guide me, I will be able to face, and grow through anything that comes my way. (hard to believe sometimes)

Peace & Blessings,
Jackie


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I am proud of the fact that I've chosen to be present in my grief from day one. When my therapist tried to get me to go on anti-depressants 6 weeks after I lost Nazir, I fired her because I knew that I was grieving in a healthy way. I continue to talk, write, cry, scream, pray, and do everything that I think I need to do to work through this. Problem is...I'm tired. A week or two ago, I hit a very DOWN place which almost felt like the beginning again and I started to feel myself sinking. If I can feel THAT BAD 8 months after my loss, then damn, I'm gonna be doing this for the rest of my life! That's what I felt and sometimes feel like. As Gossamer said to me recently, I've done this grief thing quite well and now I'd like a do-over. I don't want it anymore. I want to just be a mother to my son with him *here*.
So I think in my case, I've looked at my grief up close and personal and I'm trying to figure out how to put it away a little bit cuz enough is enough, at some point!


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

ST-
Thank you so much for your honesty. I think at times I am right there with you. You know my dh doesn't talk about Gracie...he doesn't do grief like I do. For so long this has somewhat upset me, even though I know that he is grieving the way he needs to...however, right now, right this moment it hit me..."What a blessing it has been that there hasn't been two of us completely out of our frickin' minds"...
I think that is why assisting births has been such a healing release for me...because it is about the mama I am assisting...not me. I get to get out of myself. I like that from time to time.
This week has been pretty slow, except a few postpartum appointments with mamas that birthed last week.
It is no wonder I am feeling a bit out of sorts....I am having to "feel".
I don't want to deal with my children, I don't want anything out of its place, I want everything to stay nice and clean....I am staying in my pj's until 3pm again for the second day in a row...oh well...can you tell dh is out of town? :LOL
This too shall pass...thank goodness.


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Jackie and Sweet Teach -

What a satisfying, if diffucult, subject. Thank you for your feedback earlier, Jackie. ST, I'm impressed that you fired your therapist. Good for you for understanding your own grief process! I'm sorry to hear that you are still having such a diffucult time - your process is obviouly different from mine, but what a good example of how we all grieve differently. I wish you had a better support system IRL......that must be very hard. You know where you can come......

I really wish that our culture had a place for us to put our grief. A friend of mine who lost a baby at 4 months a couple of years ago shared with me that no one around her wanted to talk about it, she didn't have such a very good support system, and she had no where to put her grief. So......she ended up getting pregnant again. This happened despite the fact she thought she did not want anymore children, and her husband was _adamantly_ against having anymore kids (he had 2 from a previous marriage). But she had no where else to put her grief.

Today I put my grief into putting up pictues. I bought one of those multi-picture frames over the weekend and just filled it up with shots of me and Mike and Brendan and our cats and dog. I also put up a picture of me at Sophia's baby shower. In the picture I am flanked by all of my girlfriends and old co-workers. I'm cradling my belly and I have a hugely happy smile on my face. It felt really good to put that picture up above the fireplace along with the other new ones. I guess I am really into the experience of owning the fact that I was pregnant, and I was the center of all that "baby culture", and that is when my daughter was alive and moving inside of me.......and that she died at birth. I really want people to come over and see the picture and ask about it, so that I can acknowledge Sophia. I think that part of what makes this grieving process so very diffucult is that WE, the mothers, want so much to acknowledge our children. ALL of them, living and/or passed on. And the rest of our culture has no frikin' clue what to do with that information: "Oh, you have a daughter/son named so-and-so? I have a daughter/son named so-and-so too. Of course, he/she died at birth (or fill in the blank....)". I don't believe that is a conversation most people would know how to handle......except the ones who have either been through it, or are completely comfortable with the idea of death. Both of those demographic populations seem hard to come by, huh......... ? >sigh<

Where, or into what, have you put your grief today?

Thinking of all of you, and your babies (all of them!),

Jen


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *painted horse*
she had no where to put her grief. So......she ended up getting pregnant again.

Where, or into what, have you put your grief today?


I have often thought about the statement you said about your friend. I have seen this happen a lot. I have seen it happen with all kinds of things...people who don't deal with their grief end up doing lots of things...overeating, using drugs and alcohol, having an affair, and so on...
This one of course really touches me...her getting pg right away. I have thought at times that just maybe that would make it all better...just have another baby...that won't work for me. I am glad that isn't what will work for me. I tend to be a bit high strung anyway...so having another baby right away would only make it worse...for me.
Yes, we would like to start trying this fall for another baby...I think it is different. Maybe it isn't....hell who knows. Bottom line is that we have spent countless hours in therapy, outside of therapy talking about this very issue. It is so different for everyone.

Where have I put my grief today....well the past two days...I think I have put it into sleeping, reading and doing just about NOTHING... :yawning:
I have been really tired these past few days...and I really think that there are a few aspects of this....

1. I am a do'er...I struggle with sitting still. So I am always doing something. This can be a downfall for me...simply because that is how I "fix" myself.
2. My periods are still kind of out of whack....I should be starting a period on or around Aug. 10th...so I think that has something to do with it.
3. I really think that a bit of depression has or is become more apparent. So I am watching this closley.

Usually, I am in my gardens, hand deep in the earth. Or I am cooking for my huge family...which I love to cook and take great pleasure in it.
I really do enjoy laying on the floor with my two little boys and playing. This is something that fills my heart.

To help in my grief...today I am not into it. Other days I am way into it...just not today.


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Jackie -

You know, that whole question of when to try again is so HUGE for all of us who have suffered a loss. I've decided to try again starting this coming January. My husband seems ok with that decision too; although I get the impression sometimes that he would like to get me pregnant earlier than that. I think this might have more to do with him wanting to see me happy than wanting another child, although he certainly wants another child as well. The grieving process certainly seems different for the men; that's been my experience anyway.

Then, for me, is the hugely looming question of "where to give birth?" I had Sophia at home; the experience of laboring at home, in comfortable, familiar surroundings and surrounded by people I loved and who loved and cared about Sophia AND me (in other words, I was never made to feel as if I were just the "vehicle" for the baby); not to mention it was a drug-free labor and my 1st VBAC; this experience was incredible, albeit it had an unpredicted and supremely tragic ending. Afterwards, I played the guessing games of "what if?"
What if I'd had her in the hospital? But I've learned that this has proved a futile exercise. During the course of my labor there was never any signs of maternal or fetal distress. Had there been, we would have been off to the hospital like a shot. Had I begun my labor in the hospital......who knows what would have happened? Would my labor have gone as smoothly in the hospital? Would I have been as comfortable? Would I have even been allowed to VBAC, considering the political attitude towards VBAC's nowadays? I know that I would have turned down as much, if not all, medical intervention as I could. And if I had ended up with a c-section, would something have happened to me during the course of surgery? I know enough about the process that even an emergency c-section would not have saved Sophia's life, because of the nature of how "last minute" her cord accident - if that's what it was - occurred. If the EMTs couldn't revive her at my house and on the way to the hospital, an then in the ER,I don't believe that they could have revived her if she had been born at the hospital either.

Wow......that was long. Guess I had to still do a little processing around that, huh?







Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I really do believe that where ever Sophia had been born, it happened the way it was meant to happen. She would have died, regardless. However, that doesn't answer the question of "where" for the next pregnancy..........I spoke briefly with a friend of mine last night about when I wanted to start trying again and she asked "Are you going to use midwives again?" I replied "I don't know yet. I may use the hospital." She answered "Well, it would make me more comfortable...." I changed the subject, but was thinking to myself "Well, it's not about making YOU comfortable. It's still MY birth!" I know that alot of people think that Sophie died because we had her at home. But I believe - I know - that is not the case. Babies die in hospitals too. Unfortunately, tragicly, heartbreakingly - sometimes babies die. No matter where they are born.

Anyway, suffice to say the question of "when" is a Big One for mamas such as ourselves. I guess "where" is a bridge I cross when I come to it.

Thinking of you,

Jen


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Boy oh Boy...this same questions has become a HOT topic for friends and family. In fact dh and I had serious words regarding "where" we will birth our next baby.

I have some justified anger in regards to this. One, I am NOW considered a VBAC for my next pg, since Gracie was born by emergency c-section. (My two other children were born in a free standing birth center) Second, my medical records, at the hospital, have the reason of death incorrect for Gracie. This I will have to fight because it puts me into a "high risk" catagory. Third, my dh think that we "should" consider having our next baby in a hospital.

FOR CHRIST SAKE...I am an apprentice HOMEBIRTH midwife.

Enough said!

I have decided as of right now, as we know this can all change, that I will do double care. I will see an OB friend of mine and also our midwifery team. I will have some standard test ran and an ultrasound. No to amnio!!! AND BIRTH AT HOME...as long as both set of providers see fit.
This plan dh agrees on...I wish I could say that I am going to do whatever I need to do for me regardless of how dh feels...but that isn't me. Dh is the best support I have ever seen in any kind of birth partner. I have attended lots of births and I have to say that he is by far one of the best...ranks right up there with one of girls. So, yes it is very important to me what he thinks. I NEED HIM...let alone want him to be right there with me as I birth. Make sense? I fall in love with my dh more and more when he is right next to me as I birth. I think he feels the same way toward me. We make a great team.

Wow...now I am weepy!!!









Thanks Jen...you are in my thoughts...please remember that you are thought of with love...

~Jackie


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

With regards to doing "double duty" and seeing both a doctor and my midwives......I've had that same thought. I admit to liking the idea of keeping all my options open. Then again, if there is any sign of trouble, we would just go to the hospital anyway, so why pay more money for an OB.....? It is a bit of a puzzle......apparently even for you homebirth midwives in training!







I'm glad I'm not alone......

I can also really relate to what you said about your DH. My midwives and myself weren't sure about how my DH would react to my labor (Sophie was his 1st biological child) but WOW!!! He was AMAZING. I was sooooo impressed with his support. He was definately as supportive as any of the doulas I've seen in action. He was just so THERE, if you know what I mean. Sounds like we both have good support systems, huh? I hope we aren't the only ones......









As for not always being with your grief.......Yup, me too! A couple of nights ago all my grief went into cupcakes and milk and trash TV watching......aaahhhhh, escapism....felt good. Yesterday I cleaned more, and got weepy when I found, organized and put into a shoebox all the sympathy cards people sent us after Sophie died.

Do you attended a support group IRL? DH and I have only been to one meeting of Sharing Parents here in Sacramento, and have just not made the time to go again. I feel as if I'm moving through my grief ok on my own - certainly hanging out here as helped immensely - but I wonder sometimes if my inability to make time for a support group is a reflection of any kind of denial on my part. Then again, since denial is part of the grief process - who am I to argue? I don't know - just been thinking about it lately I guess. DH is also Catholic, and he's been thinking (notice I don't say "we" - but I'm not Catholic







) of going back to church. However, he hasn't shown alot of motivation towards that either, and not being Catholic myself (although I was raised Catholic) I'm not exactly the best "cheerleader" in that area. We've talked about starting to go in Sept. when the Sunday School program gets started again. But we'll see.

So in dealing with your grief process, what other forms of support do you make time for?








and









Jen


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Great post Jen!!!

IRL...I attend grief therapy every Saturday morning. One week I go alone, the next dh goes alone, then on the third week we attend together. In the beginning...we attended together. I mean right away...Gracie was born on a Friday, her funeral the following Saturday and the next Saturday we were in therapy. So about 2 weeks after she died.
For now that seems to be enough. I really have a hard time thinking/seeing myself in a room of other parents who have lots their babies also. Sometimes I get really yucky thoughts about other people IRL...especially when they try to compare stories about our losses. KWIM?
So this is safe for me...for now.
I have been asked to be a speaker at a class that is being offered this fall at the local midwifery college ..."Midwives and Birth Loss" 
Not sure if I am up to it...however I will probably do it anyway...because we need to. There are so many midwives (and doctors) that haven't experience this kind of loss. So I do feel it is imparitive that I do.

Emotional eating...oh yah baby...I am there with ya. Not alot...but I can do it from time to time!!









I think that seeing the OB is really for all the testing and ultrasound(s). It really is for dh...NOT ME!
I am way OK with not having anymore than the basic tests ran and not having an ultrasound. I don't want to know gender...dh does.
I already know that I will refuse several of the testing they (OB) will "suggest" I do...not gonna happen.
Another thing I refuse...is being weighed!!! I struggle so much anyway with my weight regardless if I am thin or heavy...that I totally refuse to be weighed.
You want to hear something really funny? :LOL
When I had gone into the hospital that day Grace was born...before they started fetal monitoring, they asked for me to step on the scale. I said "NO". The nurses proceded to tell me that I must be weighed and that I needed to follow hospital guidelines, that I was attempting to interfer with doctor's orders....and so on... I said..."Arrest Me, I will not step on your scale. Do you want to know why?" The nurse said "of course I do"...so I told her exactly why I felt the way I did, that nothing was going to change my mind. She documented in my medical file that I was "difficult to work with" and that "patient refused to follow proper guidelines from hospital staff"...ALL BECAUSE I REFUSED TO BE WEIGHED...Can you say ignorant *ITCH?

The story of HOW I arrived to be at the hospital in the first place is a long one...another day for that one.

Still laughing 4 months later....







:

There is no reason why I couldn't birth at home looking at my previous births and my current health. I am not high risk...never have been. I have LARGE babies...without having gestation diabetes. I really believe that I will have our next baby at home. I think that it will all be OK...So does everyone that is in our birth circle. Dh really just wants the OK from both sets of providers...external validation I suppose...







Whatever it takes!

And I do believe that you are correct in saying that we both have good support systems from our dh's...I too hope that others get to have that from their dh's/partners also.

I do have a spiritual home, some would call it church. I don't like to call it church...spiritual home works for me. We attend weekly, or whenever we are not out of town. I think this has helped a lot for dh, the kids and I. We also attend a parenting group on Wednesday nights...again when we are not out of town or I am not attending a birth.
Dh works out of town every other week. So this makes our home really interesting...actually. Things really go in waves here. But I do try to keep a few things very consistant with the boys. Attending our spiritual home weekly helps keep things in gear for me...and them.

Have a fab weekend!! Lot of love to you and am looking forward to seeing you over at Mothers of Angels....


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

SweetTeach just sent me the info - sounds cool! I'll look forward to seeing you there, too!

Until then,

Blessings,










Jen


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Sounds great...can't wait!!!


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