# why don't YOU leave your baby to cry?



## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Recently I've been bombarded with countless people telling me to let my dd CIO and when I say no they ask why. I don't leave my baby to cry because it just feels wrong to me. but I know there are medical reasons why it shouldn't be done but I don't know them. I'd love to hear why you don't leave your baby to cry so maybe I can have something to say when I'm being attacked other than it feels wrong and its mean


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

In no particular order:

why on earth WOULD I?
because it's my job to take care of her
biology makes it highly uncomfortable
I don't believe in child abuse/neglect
because it's an awful thing to do
when I decided to reproduce, taking care of a baby was part of the deal
it's not an acceptable choice.

-Angela


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## zensven42 (Oct 26, 2006)

How about that babies cry to communicate their needs and not meeting their needs is called neglect. It is as simple as that. Just because the cries don't sound like "I'm hungry", I'm tired", or "I need to be held" doesn't mean that the baby isn't trying to communicate them. A person with their needs met (baby or adult) is a happy person.

Yes they can say that the baby stops crying eventually when CIO, but that is because their spirit has been broken and they have given up hope that someone is coming to help them, or they just got too plain tired to cry anymore. HOW AWFUL!

Kristin Skrydlak-Simlai


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Those are my two main reasons.


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## vagabonder (Jun 8, 2007)

I try to treat dd like I would want to be treated. If I was crying and DH just left me there to cry without trying to console me, I would feel all that much worse and would probably lose a lot of trust/faith in him and our relationship so I figure doing that to her she would feel the same towards us.


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## futuremamaheather (Nov 8, 2005)

"Because my doctor told me that's a bad idea"
(so what if the doctor in question is Dr. Sears and you've never actually talked to him... IMO, if you've read his books, you can still claim him







)

That ended the conversation with my step-mother, right quick!


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## josh&davesmomme (Feb 24, 2006)

Because it feels wrong to me to leave my child screaming and ignoring their basic needs for love comfort food or to be changed just because the clock and society say they should be asleep.
But if you're looking for some "medical" or scientific reasons, which I have found helpful in dealing with some people, there are some in the sticky, including how pro longed cio can alter brain development http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=624394


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Those are my two main reasons.


I love this answer! Altho, I have a toddler, now, and not a baby, and apparently that makes a difference.


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## STJinNoVa (Dec 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

This is such a spectacular answer.


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## aprilv (Aug 31, 2007)

i think the reason cio 'works' for a lot of families is that the babies get the message loud and clear- don't bother crying cause we're not coming even if you do.
that's not a lesson i want to teach. i want to make sure my toddler knows all the way down to his bones that i will always be there when he needs me.

plus, bedtime is a happy time at our house. it's quite common for bedtime to be a struggle for kids when they're older and i'd bet that's because it has negative feeling associated with it. i want my little guy to feel safe and happy when it's time to go to sleep.


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## Tinker (Mar 1, 2007)

This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.









"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinker* 
This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.









"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"

very well said!!


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"

DANG IT! I wish I had asked this question sooner! blah that is SUCH a good thing to say!! I missed so many opportunities!


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.

me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.


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## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Danielle13* 
me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.










Ugh, now I can't get that thought out of my mind...









I can't even imagine what that poor baby is thinking.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Because it breaks my heart....


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.









:


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Well said! Thanks for putting it so concisely. That should take care of most people who would encourage me to CIO.


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## basilisa76 (Jul 31, 2007)

Research has shown that babies that are left to cry are likely to stop "asking" for things because they learn that nobody will come. So if your child is sick, scared and really needs you, wouldn't you feel awful to just leave him alone? What if something is wrong with him? Could you live with that? Knowing that you ignored him for good?

If your mother was old, lying in a bed at night and started crying and asking for you to come and you simply ignored her, EVERYBODY would say that you are neglecting her, that you are abusing her, they will call the authorities, etc.

Isn't the same thing or much worse with a tiny baby that doesn't know how to talk or express their feelings in a different way? Wasn't taking care of a baby what we signed up for?

It makes me sick to hear these people leaving their babies to cry, especially SOOOO YOUNG! (1 month!! the baby is a 4 weeks old fetus!)

Gigi


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I'd ask some one who asked me that:

Person, "why not let them cio?"

Me, "Would you like it if you couldn't talk, or maybe speak the same language of the househould you lived in, and some one left you alone in a dark room and ignored you while you tried to communicate your need for food/companionship/reassurance and these people ignored you? If not, then why should I do it to my precious sweet baby who is so innocent and new to the world?"


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Why don't I leave my kid to cry at night?

Well. Leaving aside my immense affection for my son, my goal in nighttime parenting is for my entire family to get the rest they need. Me included. I do not sleep while my son screams in his crib, nor does anyone else in my house. If we get up and take care of the baby's needs, we can all go back to sleep much more quickly.

If we don't want the bother of getting up, we can co-sleep.


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## NotTheOnlyOne (Oct 23, 2006)

because it would break his heart. And that would break mine. I like our hearts full and whole


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## McMomma (Jan 8, 2008)

In my past job I saw babies who were failure to thrive because they had quickly learned their cries were futile.







I saw babies who were underweight because no one gave them their formula when they cried and then they became too weak to cry at all. I looked into their eyes and saw the dullness of spirit similarly brought by war, assault, and other traumas.

In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.









Why WOULD I let my baby CIO?


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Because it's weird. Why would you leave a baby cry? It's not like they can help themselves.


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## NonasMama (Mar 6, 2008)

I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night.







I can never do that again.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NonasMama* 
I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night.







I can never do that again.

That story made me cry







Thank you for sharing it


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## Sky (Dec 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Because it's mean.

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

Exactly!, and it would break my heart and my baby's heart, he trusts us and that bond is so important!


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## TinyBabyBean (Oct 18, 2003)

the golden rule. do unto others as you would have them do unto you.


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## TinyBabyBean (Oct 18, 2003)

really it is because every fiber of my being will not allow me to leave a baby to cry instinctually. but, i think the golden rule is a darn good reason.


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NonasMama* 
I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night.







I can never do that again.











that must have been so hard


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
In no particular order:

why on earth WOULD I?
because it's my job to take care of her
biology makes it highly uncomfortable
I don't believe in child abuse/neglect
because it's an awful thing to do
when I decided to reproduce, taking care of a baby was part of the deal
it's not an acceptable choice.

-Angela

i totally agree.
why do random people feel this is ok to suggest??
seriously, of all suggestions this one just blows my mind. it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and is completely unhelpful and stupid talk. if anyone ever suggested it to me i'd look at them like they had two heads.


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## momma_c (Mar 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *futuremamaheather* 
"Because my doctor told me that's a bad idea"
(so what if the doctor in question is Dr. Sears and you've never actually talked to him... IMO, if you've read his books, you can still claim him







)

That ended the conversation with my step-mother, right quick!










Our pediatrician did tell us this as well, as if we needed to be told, but it seems some parents do.
But I agree, if your actual pediatrician isnt in agreement go with Dr. Sears!


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## FREEmom1120 (Feb 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 

Because I believe we're called to parent as God parents us, and Scripture assures us time and time again that the Lord answers when we call to Him. I would do no less for my helpless baby.

That's so great. Makes me feel like this:







No one has suggested CIO to me (probably because dd is such a great sleeper), but if it happens I'll use that.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

"What is 'it' the baby needs to cry out? As a parent, it's my job to fill her needs. I try to meet my baby's needs, not ignore her. If she needs to be held, needs to eat, needs to be reassured she's not alone, needs to be comforted, or whatever, that's my job. No one said this parenting thing would be easy!"


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## Lily Eve (Feb 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
"What is 'it' the baby needs to cry out? As a parent, it's my job to fill her needs. I try to meet my baby's needs, not ignore her. If she needs to be held, needs to eat, needs to be reassured she's not alone, needs to be comforted, or whatever, that's my job. No one said this parenting thing would be easy!"


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

i love all these answers...i'll have to try some more of them with DP (yep, its not strangers thats the problem), who let DS cry when i went out the other night







even tho I'd expressly said we are not doing that (after numerous discussions). He just doesnt get it, and i think if the father of a child doesn't get it, how are people who dont even care about the child specifically, going to get it? I have compiled a word document of all the evidence i could find on the net against it, and said until you read that, you cannot claim to me that CIO is okay....But i cant control what he does when i'm not there (which isnt very often luckily). Anyway this is prob a thought more suitable to the 'parents as partners' forum, but i just had to put my two cents in.

in my opinion our culture encourages convenience parenting. A baby doesn't seem to be regarded as a real person and that makes me very sad. i like the points that u wouldnt leave an adult such as your partner or mother, crying without responding. i have worked with learning disabled people and we would never leave them in distress (unless it ws for a short period to cool off from an aggressive outburst), similarly, a baby (and toddler) is completely dependent on you, so why would you do that??


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## puddle (Aug 30, 2007)

Why don't I leave dd to CIO?

*Because I love her.* Because it's unnatural. Because for me to physically and emotionally survive the experience, I would have to kill a part of myself so that I could detach myself from her. Because it is my job as her mother to teach her so much--and mistrust, fear, anxiety and pain are not at the top of the list for me. Because babies aren't supposed to be independent--they're BABIES! Because there's nothing wrong with babying a baby. Because it's my job to protect her and I can't do that if I'm neglecting her. Because I don't want my dd to "turn out fine"--I want her to thrive and be everything she was meant to be. Because I don't want to have to look her in the eye when she's grown and tell her that I abandoned her when she was at her most helpless. Because I don't want her to think she needs to do that to her children someday. Because I don't want to! Because I value her as a person. Because I see no benefits whatsoever to doing it. Because it's wrong and sick and evil. Because it isn't best for our family. Because if she slept through the night my boobs would explode.


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## Mrsboyko (Nov 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NonasMama* 
I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night.







I can never do that again.

That exactly. We tried it out of sheer exhaustion one night. Not even a plan really, it just happened because i was to fried out to deal and DH was no help. She refused to go near her crib for a solid month after that night. I will never do it again. I don't understand how people can make a plan to CIO. It is like premeditated torture. If my DD is awake and screaming, it is usually because she is in pain. I try everything I can to calm her, but there are times (like recently during this teething hell we are in) where nothing helps, so I just hold her as she sobs. Still breaks my heart, but at least I (and more importantly she) know i am trying to help her.

Why don't I CIO?

Because it is wrong. It breaks her heart and doesn't work. If it really worked, there would be no "Oh, we went on vacation and now we have to CIO again" or "she was sick so now we have to CIO again". You can not train a child like a dog. They are human.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Because I spent 2 months waiting for my babies to come home so *I* could take care of them, and even 2 years later I'll never make up that time.

Because my heart can't handle the sounds of my babies crying like that.

Because, on a strictly practical level, if I let one cry, the other joins in, and then it takes even longer to calm them down, or if one is sleeping, the cryer wakes the other up.

Because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

Because the research, while not entirely conclusive, certainly seems scary enough to convince most rational people that CIO is a bad idea.

Because it just plain feels wrong.


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## tashaharney (Feb 19, 2007)

because i have an intense physical reaction to hearing a baby cry -- any baby. and with my own its ten times worse. it's like someone turning a screw at the base of my neck and i can not relax until i comfort that baby. i know that reaction is based in instinct, and the instinct is there for a reason.

because i love my son and would never ignore his attempts at communication. he needs to know that i will always listen and at least try to help.

and honestly, because it never occured to me to do it any different. i had no idea people did cio on purpose until i started reading parenting mags.


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## jessica_lizette (Feb 3, 2008)

Because it feels wrong. God or evolution, whichever you believe in, gave you instincts to comfort your crying baby for a *reason.*

Because they are new to the world, and you are the only person they know that they can absolutely count on and trust to comfort them and meet their needs. What are they left with if you pull that from under them?

Because all they know is that they need something. They have no other way to communicate that, and they can't be expected to understand why nobody is helping them. _I_ can't even understand why mommy and daddy don't help CIO victims.

And most importantly, it is plain and simple neglect.


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tashaharney* 
because i have an intense physical reaction to hearing a baby cry -- any baby. and with my own its ten times worse. it's like someone turning a screw at the base of my neck and i can not relax until i comfort that baby. i know that reaction is based in instinct, and the instinct is there for a reason.

because i love my son and would never ignore his attempts at communication. he needs to know that i will always listen and at least try to help.

and honestly, because it never occured to me to do it any different. i had no idea people did cio on purpose until i started reading parenting mags.

yeah, that.....and i am highly sensitive to noise.......i can go from being ok to auditory overload in mere minutes......

i just believe it's wrong.......she's crying for a reason....she needs me...even when she is crying just to cry, i know i'd want someone to hold me......so we rock, walk, or just sit until she fine....and the smile afterwards, i wouldn't trade a million bucks for....

a friend of mine did CIO and would just call and talk to me and say that she didn't understand why he wouldn't stop crying....i told her i couldn't talk to her until she went in and picked him up.....and hung up....

about 2 weeks later i got a call from her saying that she had started going in to pick him and up and how much happier he was.....and how much better she felt inside....

well, yeah.....

my smilies aren't working so you get words and not the handy sign......


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I just don't believe in letting babies cry. They are helpless little creatures that depend on us.


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *McMomma* 
In my past job I saw babies who were failure to thrive because they had quickly learned their cries were futile.







I saw babies who were underweight because no one gave them their formula when they cried and then they became too weak to cry at all. I looked into their eyes and saw the dullness of spirit similarly brought by war, assault, and other traumas.

In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.









Why WOULD I let my baby CIO?

That made me tear up. Those poor babies.







What you said, though, about you and your baby.. That made me tear up too...... But in a WONDERFUL way.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
"What is 'it' the baby needs to cry out? As a parent, it's my job to fill her needs. I try to meet my baby's needs, not ignore her. If she needs to be held, needs to eat, needs to be reassured she's not alone, needs to be comforted, or whatever, that's my job. No one said this parenting thing would be easy!"

Yeah, I think about that first sentence all the time. They are crying TRUST out.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessica_lizette* 
Because it feels wrong. God or evolution, whichever you believe in, gave you instincts to comfort your crying baby for a *reason.*

Because they are new to the world, and you are the only person they know that they can absolutely count on and trust to comfort them and meet their needs. What are they left with if you pull that from under them?

Because all they know is that they need something. They have no other way to communicate that, and they can't be expected to understand why nobody is helping them. _I_ can't even understand why mommy and daddy don't help CIO victims.

And most importantly, it is plain and simple neglect.

Yes. Yes. Yes.


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Oh, and that Harvard study that said that prolonged crying causes damage to their nervous system and makes them more likely to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety.

http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1...enNeedTou.html


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

All of the above answers are fabulous...

Here's one that is founded in child development theory. One of the developmental theories is Social Emotional development by Erikson (I can't remember his first name, but you will find his theories in just about any psycology or child development text book--right along with piaget and maslow). Each stage of Erikson's theory is categorized by a delimma or a challenge. There is a positive and a negative outcome for each stage and if the child does not complete a stage with the positive outcome, then they will be unable to complete all the following stages with a positive outcome (until they learn the positive outcome for the previous stage). Anyway, the first stage is during infancy and is called Trust Vs. Mistrust. During this stage, infants are learning whether or not they can trust their caregivers. And when infants have caregivers who don't respond to their needs, then they come out of that stage having developed mistrust and will be unable to have positive outcomes in all of the following stages until they have learned to trust their caregivers.

This is a "scientific" or "psychological" reason that I will not let my son cry it out. When he cries, he is letting me know that he has a need, and if I don't respond and try to meet that need, he will learn to mistrust me. He will learn that I am not going to try to meet his needs. And he will have a more difficult time coming out of that first stage of development with a positive outcome.

On a more emotional note... Babies are people, too. And every person I know has at least an occasional need for comfort. Even adults. Sometimes, I feel really sad or upset. And when I do, I seek out a family member or friend for comfort. And I consider it a need, not "just something I want." I would be horrified if I woke up extremely depressed and bawling about something and my husband told me to get it over and go back to sleep or just ignored me. And if that would hurt my feelings, how could I think that it wouldn't hurt my baby's feelings.

Also, Babies and children do not have the ability to cope like well-adjusted adults do. They need help learning how to cope... and adults who ignore a child's cries cannot teach the child how to appropriately cope with their feelings/needs.


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## a(TM)?Star (Oct 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NonasMama* 
I will tell you why I tried it ONCE and will never again. One doctor at our ped group recommended it, as did sooooo many others when he was 4 months old. We didn't do it and I was firmly against it. But, our son was cosleeping so terribly (in our eyes that is), we tried having him sleep in the crib and would bring him into our bed when he awoke. One TERRIBLY exhausting night, we were desperate. I let him cry for an hour (he was 10 months old). I couldn't take it, my heart was breaking and it was definitely NOT WORKING. When I went in and got him he was so upset and I felt he didn't trust me any more. He melted into my arms when I picked him up but I could see in his tear-streaked, red face that I let him down. He slept all night with one eye open to make sure I wouldn't leave him again. He slept worse that night than any other night.







I can never do that again.











I uaually tell people this:
Do you know why they stop crying?

Because they know that NOONE is coming to help them. They lost hope in the world at the tender age of ____.
And I usually add that it's disgusting.







:


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vagabonder* 
I try to treat dd like I would want to be treated. If I was crying and DH just left me there to cry without trying to console me, I would feel all that much worse and would probably lose a lot of trust/faith in him and our relationship so I figure doing that to her she would feel the same towards us.









:

And because I'm not a big ol' meanie.


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## netgyks (Aug 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *McMomma* 
In my current "job" as Momma, I feed my baby with the milk God gave me. I hold him and whisper loving words in his ear... "Don't cry, baby, Momma is here." I kiss him softly as we cuddle together. I breathe in his sweet baby smell. I imagine the day when his tiny hands will be bigger than my own. I look into his eyes and see the color of my own stare back at me with a bright twinkle of love.









Thank you so much for posting this, I know most everyone at MDC feels this way, but I NEED to see this, to be uplifted by these words when the news of babies such as Benjamin in Peoria reach my ears. I rejoice seeing the love pouring out of your words!


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## kikidee (Apr 15, 2007)

The other day, I had DD in a sling, and I was trying to get her to fall asleep without nursing. She was crying, and I would soothe her, and then she would be okay, but then she would get upset again.. and it got really bad. So finally after about 30-45 minutes of this off and on (with her right in the sling), I gave in and nursed her to sleep. Ever since then, she has not been her good-natured self. I think I broke a bond of trust between us, and that was with me nestling her next to me. That taught me a huge lesson. So to answer the question, I do not let her CIO, even in my arms, because it breaks something between us. Something valuable that is more precious to me than anything else I can do for this child. It's a bond of love and trust, and it's not something that should be taken lightly.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I wouldn't leave anyone else to cry for no reason.

but more importantly...

I can't stand the sound.


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## WhaleinGaloshes (Oct 9, 2006)

In our house, no one has to be sad alone.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

How can I expect them to come to me, later on, with their problems, when I can't even be trusted to respond to the fairly uncomplicated problems they have now? Right now what they want is basically easy-- they want to be kept close and held and carried and nursed when they need it. But someday their problems with be bigger and harder, and I want them to have a fundamental trust that they can come to me with anything and I'll do my best to respond. I start now, to build that trust, so that we can rely on it later.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

because i physically _cannot_ listen to her cry and not try to help her.

i also think CIO is morally wrong.


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## jocelyndale (Aug 28, 2006)

I think it's just plain wrong, too. It's not just that it's instinctually perverse, it's cruel and unnecessary.

When I was a college student, I babysat for several families. One family had me sit one evening into the night and they asked me to adhere to a strict bedtime schedule and to let their youngest CIO. He was a precious cherub who looked just like my little brother looked at that age (toddlerhood). And my heart just broke that night. I don't remember how long he cried--they had told me to just let him go no matter how long. I had to sit and tell myself not to go in from the moment I left his room. 15 minutes? 20 minutes? half an hour? 45 minutes? It felt like hours. At some point, I couldn't take it any longer and went in there and picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I apologized as I held him close. He fell asleep so quickly, cuddled in my arms.

I cried myself to sleep that night and swore I'd never do something so heartless again. To this day, I regret that I doubted my instincts and let him cry needlessly for so much as a few seconds. I was afraid of subverting his parents' paradigm.

I look at my 11 month old son sleeping peacefully next to me and I don't get how *parents* could do that to their own child.


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## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

Because I love her and it makes me feel sick to even think of neglecting her.


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## newmama8824 (Jul 8, 2007)

because when my baby cries, I automatically go to comfort him. Why let him cry, why do something that doesn't feel right?

Besides that, it's just mean.


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 
On a more emotional note... Babies are people, too. And every person I know has at least an occasional need for comfort. Even adults. Sometimes, I feel really sad or upset. And when I do, I seek out a family member or friend for comfort. And I consider it a need, not "just something I want." I would be horrified if I woke up extremely depressed and bawling about something and my husband told me to get it over and go back to sleep or just ignored me. And if that would hurt my feelings, how could I think that it wouldn't hurt my baby's feelings.


See, this doesn't work for me. I can't think of it that way-I don't have anyone to comfort me, really. My daughter will, but that is not her job, so I work very hard not to let her see me upset.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jocelyndale* 
I think it's just plain wrong, too. It's not just that it's instinctually perverse, it's cruel and unnecessary.

When I was a college student, I babysat for several families. One family had me sit one evening into the night and they asked me to adhere to a strict bedtime schedule and to let their youngest CIO. He was a precious cherub who looked just like my little brother looked at that age (toddlerhood). And my heart just broke that night. I don't remember how long he cried--they had told me to just let him go no matter how long. I had to sit and tell myself not to go in from the moment I left his room. 15 minutes? 20 minutes? half an hour? 45 minutes? It felt like hours. At some point, I couldn't take it any longer and went in there and picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I apologized as I held him close. He fell asleep so quickly, cuddled in my arms.

I cried myself to sleep that night and swore I'd never do something so heartless again. To this day, I regret that I doubted my instincts and let him cry needlessly for so much as a few seconds. I was afraid of subverting his parents' paradigm.

I look at my 11 month old son sleeping peacefully next to me and I don't get how *parents* could do that to their own child.

I babysat for a mom who did cio, to some extent. I was 16. With her toddler, he cired himself to sleep at naptime. If I stayed with him, he woudl cry longer than if I left him. So ielarned that was jsut how he went to sleep.

The baby was a different story. He wanted to be held all the time, which was fine with me. Mom simply didn't have time to hold all the time, and thought it would "spoil" him if I'd held him too much. I was allowed to pick him up if he cried for 20 minutes, though. If mom was out of sight or away, I held him anyway, though. it was just too hard to hear him cry, when I knew he'd stop if held him.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

Pretty much for all the reasons stated above.

I think it's MORALLY wrong. I physically _cannot_ stand to hear a baby cry. I feel physically sick and upset.

I wouldn't let any human..baby or not... cry or be sad alone.









Because I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul.

Because I want to treasure every-single-millisecond with my child because I will never get a single one that has passed, back.

Because something in my gut tells me not to...and I've learned to trust that voice.


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## eunytuny (Jan 19, 2007)

Before having a baby, I had no idea people did this on purpose. When I was pregnant I was learned about it and thought "to each his own. Let's see what happens with me." After my sweet ds was born, I thought...Never will I let him Cio. Why did I have a baby? To ignore him when its inconvenient for me? No way. Now if someone tells me they let their lo CIO, I lose all respect for them as a parent and I look at their poor baby in sympathy.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

It just never made sense to me. I don't subscribe to the thought that babies are manipulative, so if she was crying, she must need something. If I can help out with milk or a snuggle, why wouldn't I? What else is there to do that's equally important? Watch Law and Order for the 7000th time? Catch another hour of sleep?

I also had a tiny baby, so I was really eager to feed her whenever she was hungry.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Because I don't like to hear babies cry
Because it's the only way he can communicate
Because he has needs
Because why would I???


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

Because the sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.


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## Alcyone (Apr 27, 2007)

I don't have the baby yet but it just doesn't make a lick of sense to me. The baby isn't crying just to irritate me; the baby needs something! When you choose to be a parent, you are choosing to be responsible for those needs. I don't see any other way to look at it.


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## YouKnowMe (Feb 7, 2008)

So many wonderful wonderful answers!!!

I don't really have any to add!


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## reezley (May 27, 2006)

Because comforting, feeding, and being there for your baby to the best of your ability is what being a Mommy IS. (And yes, it's legit to call them babies until they're about 2 years old.) It's often wonderful, usually tiring, and sometimes inconvenient, but it's what I signed up for when I had them.

Edited to add: And, I can't NOT go to my baby when he's crying!


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Danielle13* 
me too. 2 days ago I ran into my exboyfriend and he told me their letting their 1 month old cry through the night. I actually felt sick all day. It was all I could think about. It literally makes me sick.









This hurts my heart


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## Uroboros (Dec 3, 2007)

Hi~ I'm somewhat new here, and very new to message boards. Hope I'm doing it right. But I'm facing my stress around message boards becasue of a bigger stress around sleeping. I am a momma of a 5 month old. He is absolutely wonderful; we are completely in love. He's been sleeping in bed with me and my husband since he's been about 12 weeks; before that he's been in the co-sleeper or in bed with us, kind of a hybrid situation. Now that he is becoming more mobile and I'm not getting any sleep, we are entertaining the idea of getting him into his crib, which he occasionally naps in. Here is where the bombardment comes in- that we have to be able to let him cry to learn how to self-soothe, how to sleep on his own, he'll be in bed with us for way too long if we don't do it now... I guess I have two questions: 1. does anyone have any advice on how to transition their beloved into a crib without involving the CIO method, and 2. is there any advice how, if baby stays in bed with us, to change the habit of feeding every hour and a half. I'm tired.







(I know there's smiley faces on this thing, but I haven't figured it out yet!)


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Uroboros* 
Hi~ I'm somewhat new here, and very new to message boards. Hope I'm doing it right. But I'm facing my stress around message boards becasue of a bigger stress around sleeping. I am a momma of a 5 month old. He is absolutely wonderful; we are completely in love. He's been sleeping in bed with me and my husband since he's been about 12 weeks; before that he's been in the co-sleeper or in bed with us, kind of a hybrid situation. Now that he is becoming more mobile and I'm not getting any sleep, we are entertaining the idea of getting him into his crib, which he occasionally naps in. Here is where the bombardment comes in- that we have to be able to let him cry to learn how to self-soothe, how to sleep on his own, he'll be in bed with us for way too long if we don't do it now... I guess I have two questions: 1. does anyone have any advice on how to transition their beloved into a crib without involving the CIO method, and 2. is there any advice how, if baby stays in bed with us, to change the habit of feeding every hour and a half. I'm tired.







(I know there's smiley faces on this thing, but I haven't figured it out yet!)

HI! welcome







We moved dd's crib into our room with us. We took off one side and 'side cared' it. she is in her own bed but right by me. I think the nursing every 1.5 hours is pretty normal for his age. DD was nursing every 30 minutes up until yesterday







. I am tired too







Anyways, if you want to move him to his own room you would have to...I'm assuming put him to sleep then lay him down. And get up everytime he wakes at night and re nurse, rock and put him down. There is no guarentee that moving him to another room will make him get up less, so you could actually become more tired. Anyways, the crib method is working great for us right now. What ever you do, don't cio! There is absolutly no reason that won't be able to make this transistion CIO free.







I hope I said that right...Im trying to say ther is no reason to CIO over this! ok there









Danielle*


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Also... I hate that phrase -- LET baby CIO.

What baby in the world would CHOSE to cry uncontrollably, alone and scared?

Any time I have had a discussion that in any way uses the term "cry it out" I try to avoid "let them" and instead use "force them to CIO" or "leave them to CIO."


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## Uroboros (Dec 3, 2007)

Thanks for your response. I love the idea of bringing J's crib in to our room. You know, I just took a nap with my babe in our bed, and it's the most loving, gentle way spend sweet time. I feel like if we can make all transitions smooth and terror free (what I think is happening during CIO), then life will be good. I am fearing what is happening to my mood because of sleep disruptions- more specifically what's happening between me and my husband. It's very helpful to read all of these comments. It makes me and Dan feel validated in our commitment to not make harsh transitions for our own needs.


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## Alcyone (Apr 27, 2007)

*Uroboros:* You will probably get more responses if you start your own thread or find a thread about this topic, if one exists. Since this thread is about giving reasons to not CIO, someone may not be clicking on it who would have advice for your situation.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

I don't leave my baby to cry because I love being there for him. I love making him feel secure. I don't let him cry because I think it must be alot easier to breastfeed him when he wakes in the night than to let him scream.


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## marcimoose (Feb 2, 2008)

b/c your subconscious develops from age 0-3 without the benefit of conscious memory. i really believe that by leaving your baby to cio you are creating negative subconscious memories that can lead to unexplained insecurities and phobias as an adult. as dr. sears says, "you're creating memories" by cuddling and rocking your baby.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
Also... I hate that phrase -- LET baby CIO.

What baby in the world would CHOSE to cry uncontrollably, alone and scared?

Any time I have had a discussion that in any way uses the term "cry it out" I try to avoid "let them" and instead use "force them to CIO" or "leave them to CIO."

Good point! The parents who do it likely do to make themselves feel better.


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xtara2003x* 
Pretty much for all the reasons stated above.

I think it's MORALLY wrong. I physically _cannot_ stand to hear a baby cry. I feel physically sick and upset.

I wouldn't let any human..baby or not... cry or be sad alone.









Because I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul.

Because I want to treasure every-single-millisecond with my child because I will never get a single one that has passed, back.

Because something in my gut tells me not to...and I've learned to trust that voice.









All of the above!


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## ColoradanMom (Feb 17, 2008)

I don't know all the psychology behind it, but the way I look at it, an infant isn't really capable of intentionally manipulating like an older child might and so their cries indicate that they really NEED something like food, love, etc.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Danielle13* 
Recently I've been bombarded with countless people telling me to let my dd CIO and when I say no they ask why. I don't leave my baby to cry because it just feels wrong to me. but I know there are medical reasons why it shouldn't be done but I don't know them. I'd love to hear why you don't leave your baby to cry so maybe I can have something to say when I'm being attacked other than it feels wrong and its mean









Besides all the reasons listed above, I just don't think CIO works. I have an acquaintance with 3 children - all of them she has let "CIO". When I questioned her further, I learned that she has made all three children CIO and yes they do then sleep through the night ... until, that is, they pass another developmental milestone, are teething, have a cold, etc etc. So then she apparently makes them CIO again - starting from scratch, if you know what I mean. Doesn't sound like it works to me.


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## J's Mama (Apr 14, 2007)

I'm always amazed when I read about the CIO method. Thank God, no one has ever directly suggested it to me. But I think about it now and realize: I couldn't let my DS CIO NOW at almost 2 years old! I could certainly NEVER let a little newborn baby CIO!!! What are people thinking?! And what has happened to our empathy?! I agree with so many PPs that being there for our children, no matter what the circumstances (or time of day!), is what parenting IS; and if that's too inconvenient for you, don't have kids!


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## dkapdblack (Apr 19, 2007)

This is just a repeat but:
Because I could never let my child believe that when he needed me I wouldn't come.
We were at my grandparents' once, and DS was.... 6 mo, playing on the floor while we ate, and he started to complain, so DH stood up to get him, and they asked, "Don't you ever let him cry it out, even for a minute?" and I said, "No, we believe it gives him a good sense of self to respond to him."
They snorted a little bit, but didn't bring it up again.








This is the same grandmother who told us a few months earlier that by her 5th (and last, thankfully) child, she had just left the baby in a crib in a room on a _different floor_ because she just couldn't handle any more babies needing her, while the (40 year old) baby she was referring to was _sitting next to her_.
shudder.


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## Uroboros (Dec 3, 2007)

Alcyone: Thanks for the tip... new to this... need help organizing thoughts in general!

About CIO~ I'm amazed consistently with how many people tell us that that's the way to go. I've opted not to discuss certain things with people, like bedsharing, because I know what they will say. I actually had one person say to me something like, "you have to watch out, not to let your baby learn to manipulate you... it's a Pavlonian thing... train your baby to know that you won't come whenever they cry". I was flabbergasted in the moment, but later sent a link that explains attachment parenting, and said that this is how we are raising our child. End of discussion.


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## APMomOfKimmyN-Maya (Jun 1, 2006)

Tinker your reason was great!

I have a few reasons

1) It feels wrong to me
2) I've read articles that claim that excessive crying can be harmful to infants http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp
3)I've read about attachment parenting extensively and believe in it.
4) In one of my philosophy books there was a theory that children have basically their whole personality shaped in the first 5 years and the more positive experiences they have the more positive of a person they will be overall, and the more negative stressful situations they encounter the less likely they will be able to cope positively with what the world dishes out to them. ( my wording not the books wording! ) It's called "Does the Center Hold" by Palmer. Great read!
5) I've also read The Continuum Concept which shaped my beliefs about what young children need.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I say, "Parenting doesn't end just because mama & daddy are tired and think it's time to go to sleep."

If they launch into the "He doesn't really need you; he's just manipulating you" spiel, I say, "Crying *always* means a baby needs something, and comfort/closeness with mama is a very real need for a baby."


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Septagram* 
Once I saw a mama letting her baby CIO sitting in his infant bucket seat in Walmart. I followed her around for a few minutes and when she saw me looking concernedly at the baby she told me that "he was just putting on a show."

I asked her if her infant had taken acting lessons in the womb and told her that he needed to be held. She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes, but sure enough, when we were paying I saw her walk out of the store with the baby in her arms.









that poor baby. I'm glad you said something.


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

I am sending DF an email link to this thread. I absolutely cannot believe that we are arguing about this, but we are. So I am leaving Dr. Sears' Baby Book in his man bag with a page marker at the appropriate non-CIO chapter and emailing him a link. Hopefully, that will end the discussion.

I want my little man to feel safe and loved at all times. Crying himself to sleep just doesn't seem to jive with that in my book.

I need to trust my mommy instinct more. Last week, I doubted myself and let Rex-Goliath play in the bathroom (with the door open and us in the next room) while his sister was in the bath. Two minutes later, he flipped over reaching for a toy and wound up in the bath with her. Everything turned out fine, but I shudder to think what could have happened. Protective mommy instincts are there for a reason, and I need to make sure that I don't ignore them because I worry about the perceptions of others. My protective mommy instinct tells me to go to my child when he wakes up crying. So I will.


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## gibas23 (Apr 2, 2008)

all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.


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## FireFrog (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinker* 
This is the point I like to make, I don't know whether people shut up because it makes sense or because they figure I can't be reasoned with.









"If at any other time of the day I ignored my child's needs and left her to scream unattended for hours on end, it would be grounds for CPS to take her. (And rightly so!) So how is it OK to say well it's dark now, you're on your own kid, and that's perfectly acceptable?"


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
Because the thought of it makes me want to barf. Argue with that, people.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
If the person asking hasn't specifically told you that they did CIO with their own children, smile sweetly and ask "isn't that child abuse?"


Quote:


Originally Posted by *KylieLove06* 
Because it breaks my heart....









:









especially the heartbreak.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

First - I react to it. That means my body is made to respond to a baby crying with love and care.

Ignoring my instincts because people think that all things "feminine" are bad and disdainful is stupid in my opinion.

I think that millions of years of mammal evolution, or a creator would not be so lax as to create such an intense need and bond because it was supposed to be IGNORED due to peer pressure.

Because it creates problems with development and harms the brain of an infant.

Excessive cortisol levels are harmful to even an adult brain. Babies have no other means of communication, particularly to someone in another room.

http://doi.wiley.com/10.1002/1097-03...8%3E3.0.CO;2-9


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gibas23* 
all you mommas are awesome.

Every one who is a parent has been telling us to CIO our baby. She is very sticky to me and strong-willed too. So taking care of her has been really tiring on both of us especially at night time. It takes us a couple of hours to put her to sleep and she only wants to sleep with us and wake up 2-3 times a night still at 4.5 months old.

My husband had been convinced a couple of times in the past that it was necessary to CIO because would you rather to discipline your baby or instead being disciplined by the baby? (actual words from his boss). I was horrified and flatly refused to do so. I just know my baby is too small to be manipulative or being spoilt. She just want to cuddle with us. We argued many times about this, luckily now that she has grown so fun to play with, my husband has been totally smitten with her that he is actually enjoying getting her to sleep every night, even thou it takes him hours to do so.

Looking back on the last 4 months, we barely remember how tough our nights have been and now, everything has becoming a part of our lives and actually not that bad.

Mama, at her age, that is perfectly normal behavior. Heck, my 2yo sometimes wakes up a few times a night. Babies are a lot of hard work. Sleep deprivation is part of the deal. It's a ridiculous idea that the baby is disciplining you. She's simply telling you that she has needs that must be met. Stick to your guns and keep up the good work.

Just remember, she spent 9 months in your womb, cuddled and rocked and held every moment. If you held her 23 hours a day, that would be a reduction. She is helpless. She is completely dependent on you. She just wants to be loved by you.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."


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## Kat's Mommy (Jan 2, 2006)

Just thought I'd chime in.

My response to CIO is usually, "Well, if I'm upset, and cry, I don't want to be ignored. I'd like a little hug, kiss and cuddle, and for someone to tell me it's going to be alright. I give the same respect to my child".


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

My answer is pretty much that I want my children to know that if they need me for anything, I am always going to be there for them. I build this trust by answering their cries.

The other thing I often tell people is that we are the only species that seems to think it is acceptable to send our young to sleep by themselves, away from the safety, warmth, nourishment and comfort of the parents. Dogs and cats and rabbits keep their young near to them until they are old enough to care for themselves. Why on earth would anyone think it was acceptable, kind, loving or ok to leave little babies to cry and cry and not have their cries answered.

Man, it just bewilders me. I can't even stand the thought of it. It literally makes my heart start pounding with anxiety when I consider leaving my baby--who is now 10 mo--to cio.


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

I'm sure this has already been said but I'll say it again.

1. Its mean and cruel.

2. If I cry I want someone to come help me. Why would I NOT want to give that same thought to my child?

3. If I ignored my child any other time I'd get CPS called on me.

4. I LOVE my girls!

5. When God gave me my girls He gave them to me with the thought that I would care for them not ignore them.

6. I want my girls to trust that I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what time the clock says.

7. ITS MEAN AND CRUEL!


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
There's also a number of great responses that work with any "if you don't X, they'll never Y"

To the tune of the appropriate G&S song: "What ne-ver?"
Or simply "NEVER?!??!? ..... So, anyway, about that local sport's team...."

Augh! I hate those "never" statements. I would just like to point out that I was left to cry it out apparently and slept through the night, and self-soothed to sleep etc. And yet when I was old enough to get out of my bed, I slept on the floor next to my parents bed practically every night, and if they locked the door...I slept in the HALLWAY! This sleep training crap doesn't work. The only reason people think it works is because their babies are helpless to do anything about it.

sorry for the rant, whenever I hear people talking about letting their babies cry, it breaks my heart and makes me angry


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)




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## Amberoxy (Dec 20, 2007)

One of my biggest fears is being buried alive - when I picture how helpless and terrified I would feal, that is how I think a baby forced to cio feels. I could NEVER allow my baby to feel that way.

Every time my baby cries, it is an opportunity for me to show him how much I love him and that he can depend on me. If I let him CIO, he doesn't get a chance to learn that...that could be disastorous when he's older. He needs to know he can always count on me.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Very simply, it goes directly against my mothering instincts.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Why? Because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.
And I live treating others as I would want to be treated.
That is what I teach my children.


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## Oliverbsmom (Apr 16, 2008)

I think that it is wrong to leave my child crying or to ignore his cries. He is telling me he needs something and I am his mother and it is my job to meet his needs. I feel that by ignoring the cries would/could cause psychological damage over time by creating an environment where he doesn't trust that his needs would be met.

I think about babies that are left to cry and I wonder what they are thinking as they are crying....thinking why isn't my mom/dad coming to help me, I know they are there... or are they wondering where their parents are. I couldn't let my child think those thoughts. I want my child to know that I am always there, always will meet his needs.

I think that because of the parenting style my DH and I choose our DS actually cries less because he knows we are here. DS doesn't cry at bedtime because we co-sleep. When he wakes up at night he may squirm around or make a little sound just enough to let me know he's up and ready to nurse, then goes back to sleep peacefully with the breast. I think that some parents may out of despair let their kids CIO, but even when I am tired after DS is waking up hourly, I know that it will pass, I know that he is probably cutting a tooth or not feeling well and we will sleep.

I just know that I can not and will never let my child CIO. I don't even think that I could do it physically. Hearing my son cry is the worst sound I have ever heard.....and biologically it is supposed to be that they.

Sorry I think I went off an a tangent.


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## Down_to_Earth (Sep 7, 2006)

I think my opinions are wioth the others-- I cannot let my daughter cry for any longer than necessary. I think that by not responding, it doesnt' build the bond/trust needed. I couldn't even stand to hear babies cry, even before I had my own. I also agree that it's akin to child abuse, if not actually is. One morning, when we were both a bit sleep deprived and grumpy, my husband and I had this discussion. I don't remember what was said, but I do remember ending it with,something like, "Okay. We leave her to cry and she settles down and we think she's okay. We come in the next morning to find a very dirty diaper and that she slept in a puddle of puke."

My mother doesn't like that I want to hold my daughter the second she starts crying. (She's also half joked that it's time to give my daughter back to me when she starts fussing.) On Saturday, my husband received his Master's of Divinity degree. Before the service started, I was sitting with my parents and older sister. My sister was holding my daughter and she started crying. (My daughter, not my sister.







) I asked my sister pass her to me and my mother said she was fine. I HATE when my husband or mother or somebody says that my daughter is fine when she is crying. If she's fine, why is she crying? (I've asked that and have not recieved an answer.) Well, the moment my daughter was back with me, she quieted down. Go figure. On Sunday, we were at my sister's house and my mom was holding my daughter. My daughter was fine, but I reached out and touched her, just to let her know I was there. Annoyed, my mother said, "She's fine," and pushed my hand away. Irritated with my mother telling me how to raise my daughter and not give advice (well, it seems that way at times), I replied, annoyed, "I know she is, but I wanted to let her know," or something like that. Then I got mama bear on my mother and said,"Don't push me away from my daughter." I think she just said okay, or fine or something like that. Ugh.

In the past couple of months, _Parents_ and _American Baby_ both had personal account stories from parents who used CIO and were "successful". Both magazines had blurbs on the front of the covers implying that the articles were actually on tips to get the baby to sleep. UGH. I was disgusted both times.

For now, at eight months, my daughter is learning to sleep without nursing, to a degree. This morning, after nursing for two and a half hours, she finally fell asleep with my husband walking with her. She will also fall asleep in the car and in her stroller. It's a start, especially at only eight months.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

It breaks my heart to think of being able to comfort my child, but choosing not to.
I don't understand why locking a child alone in a dark closet for punishment is child abuse. But leaving a child in a crib they can't escape, in a dark room, when they've done nothing wrong, is "good parenting". To me, they are the same thing.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

I have not read all the responses by my *personal* decision is because I am her mother and my job is to protect, shield, love, honor, and comfort my child. Babies cry for a reason and I would not be doing my job as a parent if I let her CIO. My mom made me sleep in my sister's crib when my sister was born because my sister was very sick a lot and she slept with my mom. I cried because I could not climb from the crib to go potty at night and my mom would yell at me to shut up so I was forced to pee my pants (I was four and afraid of falling from the crib on to the hardwood floor) and then I would get spanked for peeing my pants. I also feel a child needs to feel loved and by letting them cry they feel abandoned and I don't want that. My girls have never CIO and never will. I would rather go sleepless than have a child upset and cranky the next morning because they CIO the night before.


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## Maggirayne (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mntnmom* 
It breaks my heart to think of being able to comfort my child, but choosing not to.
I don't understand why locking a child alone in a dark closet for punishment is child abuse. But leaving a child in a crib they can't escape, in a dark room, when they've done nothing wrong, is "good parenting". To me, they are the same thing.

Thank you! That is a great description/explanation of why CIO is abuse. Of course, someone could say, oh I leave a light on, as if a light is comforting when you're screaming your heart out. . . but I digress.









Sooo, to answer the OP's question, I'm her mother. I had a baby knowing I was supposed to take care of her. Parenting is not a job where you get time off. You are a parent all the time. Yes, you can and should take time to breathe, but when you've got someone who will meet your child's needs immediately.


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## attachedmomto3 (Mar 19, 2007)

because it's my job to make sure i do everything i can to make sure my baby is content and happy.


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## Hallielynn01 (Sep 18, 2007)

one of my good friends and I go back and forth about this. She says with PRIDE, how she got her son to sleep all night by locking his door (when he was in a toddler bed at 14 months and learned to open the door and come to find her) then turned the AC on in her room to drown out the cries, ack.

I'm with you ladies, it feels wrong in every fiber of my being to let her cry, on the occasions when we've tried it, over being worn out, its doesn't work, she just got so upset, and was almost frantic by the time I got her (we never made it very long) but the go in comfort them, leave, come back but don't pick em up etc routine, just not for us. I agree with a PP, why would it be abuse in any other occasion to just let your child scream for the sake of convenience, but at night, its ok?!?! I'm a mom now, its not all about me anymore. I work and need my sleep as much as the next person, but that's why we co sleep!









And now, 17 months later, I couldn't imagine her not being in there with us. It doesn't hurt our sex life, but it does let me know she's safe and that she FEELS safe!


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## dpoupore (May 14, 2008)

I actually remember being 6 months old and being put in a room down the hall to "learn to sleep through the night." It took me 3 nights of crying, and it convinced me that people aren't there for me, I must be a bother, I'm not safe, etc... I've done lots of "personal work" over the years to regain my trust and connection w/people, but that experience was formative. Thus, I wd never let my babe cio.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

That's a hard question to actually answer when posed to you...because someone who feels the need to ask me "Why don't you let your child CIO?" isn't going to respond very well when I say "Because I love him."


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## Mommy2Haley (Oct 25, 2007)

This doesn't help YOU per say, but the reason I don't leave my baby to cry is because that's what my mom did to me -- even as a young child. Those are NOT memories I want my daughter to have. Period.


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## srs (Nov 8, 2007)

I don't think this has been mentioned yet, but a big part of the reason my DD has never CIO is because I had two miscarriages before she was born, and she was and will remain my miracle baby forever. I'm not sure if it would have been different had she been baby #1, but considering that she is baby #3 and the first one I got to snuggle and kiss and hold, I'm not about to let her cry somewhere alone.

And because it's just wrong.


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## ~Shanna~ (Nov 17, 2005)

I'm a Christian, and I'm often having to defend my not-CIO stance as not being "anti-biblical;" (don't get me started). So I've started saying that God doesn't leave us to cry alone. It's the only answer I have ever given that stops the conversation and (seems) to make people think.


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## texanatheart (Sep 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
My mom made me sleep in my sister's crib when my sister was born because my sister was very sick a lot and she slept with my mom. I cried because I could not climb from the crib to go potty at night and my mom would yell at me to shut up so I was forced to pee my pants (I was four and afraid of falling from the crib on to the hardwood floor) and then I would get spanked for peeing my pants.

Oh my gosh...your story made me cry.







I'm so sorry you had that experience.









I agree with all the responses thus far...at least the ones I read through. I just CANNOT FATHOM leaving DS to cry by himself!!!! I've had some tough times trying to get DS to sleep for the night -- long, drawn-out fussing until finally he gives in to sleep. I hate to admit this here, but it's really annoying when I have to keep going upstairs to comfort ds back to sleep (sometimes every 30-45 min) after we've put him down for the night, because I want that 'me' time. But I would NEVER, EVER, EVER (EVER, EVER) resort to just leaving him to cio.

I agree that it is akin to child abuse. Why, oh why, do these people who don't want to comfort their children have them in the first place? Seriously.







: I wonder that often. To me, getting to comfort my ds is one of the many perks of being his mommy.


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## Calm (Sep 17, 2004)

I haven't got the time to read the whole thread, so someone may have mentioned this. I just read in a Sear's book him ask what is crying it out anyway? Let's break it down.

It - what is the "it" they are crying out?

out - where does it go, what is "out"?

I thought that was a good breakdown of it. Most don't even know what they're saying when they say CIO, they haven't even thought about it usually, just repeat it like bumbling fools.


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## stacyann21 (Oct 21, 2006)

Because the sound of his cry moves me to go to him and fix whatever is hurting him







And because he doesn't cry...nestled in next to me in our bed, suckling away to his little heart's content.


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

I dont have a medical reason and I havent read the posts...but wanted to share.
I dont let my baby CIO because I made him. I prayed for him...nurtured him in my womb...birthed him...and love every inch of him...rejecting him at night would be like rejecting my own soul.
Another reason is because I am gone from him 12-hrs a day five days a week







Today I start a 24-hr call





















I hate cuddling with a plastic pump! Sharing sleep at night gives me another 8 hours to reconnect physically with my little man.


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