# May I tell my story?



## Scrubsjm (Apr 28, 2006)

::LONG::

Tomorrow is Kira's birthday. She would be two, god just saying that brings the tears. Second birthdays are so much fun, because children get it on their second birthdays, this day is about them! And I'm going to visit the cemetary instead. I haven't written Kira's story out in awhile and it's something I need to share with those who have been there and can offer me some support today, her second birthday. I hope they have some freakin' awesome birthday parties in heaven.

Two years ago my life was great we had just bought our first house and we had a wonderful dd, who was fast approaching her second birthday. Two days after we moved in to our house I got pregnant. Things were marvelous, I had a chemical pregnancy the month before but everything seemed perfect this time. My birth with my first daughter was not what I hoped so I sought out midwives for this pregnancy. I had my initial appointments and saw my little 8 week bean with fast beating heart on the ultrasound. Things were going to be smooth sailing. I felt her kick early and often. She was a strong willed and forceful little baby. Anytime my dh and I made love she got MAD, she would kick and push, she despised anyone pressing on her and invading her space. A few days before my 16 week appointment I had some pink spotting. I called the midwives but they were unconcerned. I brought it up again at the appointment and was told I probably irritated my cervix during sex. No nookie for me for a week. A week passed and things were fine. My husband and I shared a beautiful romantic evening in front of the fireplace one night when he got home from work late. That was the last night everything was perfect in our lives. A few days later I had more spotting, I again called the midwives, they said it's probably nothing but hey you could be miscarrying. WTF! I was 17 weeks pregnant, people don't miscarry at this point. I grilled them, could it be a low lying placenta? Could something else be wrong? They didn't want to see me. The spotting stopped, then a day later it started again. I called back they still didn't want to see me, they still didn't care. I was afraid to tell my husband, I didn't want anything to be wrong. I called my old OB and they remembered me and they cared, and they could see me first thing in the morning, the head OB would skip important meetings to see me before the office opened. Everything would be okay. Dh and I worked out plans for the morning, he would go to work really early and then meet me at the appointment. I woke up in so much pain shortly after midnight. I didn't want to wake dh, he had to get up for work soon, I sat in the glider and rocked the pain got worse, I listened to her heart with the doppler, it was still beating strongly everything would be fine. I was in more pain, I finally woke dh. We called the OB I was supposed to see in the morning and she aggreed to meet us at the hospital. Dh was finding out how to get there when I had to go to the bathroom. Blood, lots and lots of blood. We had to leave, he went to get clothes on, then as I was sitting there my beautiful daughter Kira was born. I caught her in my hands, she was so tiny. I yelled for dh and he came running, get me a towel, my baby has been born at 17 weeks and 5 days, she has no hope of life, but I am cradeling her in my hands, I did not let my baby fall. I hold her in my hands as she leaves the world. Her heart was beating so strongly in my body just a few minutes ago. My dh calls 911, my wife has just lost our baby, sir do you want to do CPR, it's to soon I say, it won't do any good. They come to get me in the ambulance, I am holding Kira in a towel but I haven't delivered my placenta, she is still attached to me. It's to soon they say, there is nothing we can do, it's to soon, she's to small. I was 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant when my daughter was born. They take me to the emergency room, the can't get the placenta out, where is my husband, where is my baby? Do you want to see your baby? I want my husband, where is my husband? Is my baby a girl or a boy? A girl, I would have two girls, two beautiful girls. They take me up to the OB floor, they try and do a D&C on me while I am awake, it hurts so much and they won't stop. They have to send me to surgery. Dh is nearly passing out from the look of pain on my face, and the things they are doing to his wife, and his daughter is dead. They bring our baby, our beautiful tiny baby. She is wrapped in blankets and we hold her. They come to take my blood, dh holds our baby and stares into face as they take my blood. We are crying, what's wrong with them asks the person taking my blood. She asks this as we hold our dead baby and cry for her. The anethesologist comes in. He cheerfully asks if we now have a matched set or one of each kind? We look at him blankly. Two of one gender or one of each he says. We would have two girls I say, but our baby is dead. He is sad for us, he cares. I hold my dear Kira one more time before they take me off to surgery. Dh belives he will never see me again, he has already lost so much this night. I come out of surgery and thank them for the lip balm, I do not remember what has happened and then I do. They leave me in recovery for so long, where is my husband where is my baby? They come to take me to the OB ward, but I do not have a baby. My husband is with me and I want to go home, I want to hold my living child I want to know that life will go on. Finally I can go home, I do not have shoes, my clothes are stained with my blood. I hold my living child and the tears fall again. We have to tell her that her sister is in heaven. She tells us that the tummy baby had to go home. It is in her profound wisdom that we see that life may continue. We make arrangements, I go to see Kira at the funeral home, she is dressed in clothes much to big even though they were made for a micro preemie, her casket is lined in white silk, her casket is so small, and still it is far to big for her. We bury our baby, my husband tells me I look nice as we are leaving, I always wanted to look nice to bury my baby I tell him. We sob together. As I listen to the pastor speak, I can't look up, if I look up I will see her casket that is so small, but is still to big. And then we leave, and I leave my baby there to be buried to be put in the ground and held no more. She will never run and play with her big sister she will never torment her little sister. She will open no presents tomorrow on her second birthday. I will instead visit her in the cemetary and bring her flowers and and balloon. I hope they have freakin' awesome birthday parties in heaven.


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## muckemom (Jun 26, 2006)

Oh my goodness, mama...

I am so very sorry.

I will be praying for you and your family.

-- Meghan


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

s for you on this day, and all of the days in the future. I am so very sorry. I have so many similar memories, the clothes that were way too big, the tiny basket that was still to large for my baby. Knowing that she would never play with her brothers. It's not fair. It's not fair that we can't celebrate our daughter's birthdays. I will be thinking of you and your girls, all three of them.








Kira


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Kira


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Julia, I'm sorry your story is a such a sad one. It's so apparent how much you love Kira, that's the beautiful part of the story.

I'll be thinking about her on her second birthday, I'm sure she will be looking down on you with love.

Thanks for sharing.


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## Miguelsmomma (Jul 27, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sweet Kira. My first due date is on November 18. It's too bad we have to have these anniversaries instead of birthdays.


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## spatulagirl (Feb 21, 2002)

Julia


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## rosie29 (Aug 18, 2004)

I'm very sorry.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

So sorry Mama, I'm crying with you.







Kira


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

crying for you and yours as i type this.

sending you *so* much love and wishes for peace.

ayala


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

oh mama, i am so sorry.

thinking of your Kira, on her second birthday.








Kira


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## sahmof2girls (Feb 9, 2005)

I am so sorry... I bet the have Miraculous birthday parties in heaven and Kira is partying her little 2y/o angel butt off.
I will be thinking of you today and always!!!


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am soooo sorry for your loss!!!


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## MamaCAS (Jan 6, 2005)

So sorry to read this. So so sorry.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Julia, I just don't have words to convey my sorrow at your loss. I am having plenty of tears though!


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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Happy Birthday dear Kira, angel girl.
I understand your pain mama. Peace to you on this day.
~Brandi


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

Kira


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## danaalex (Mar 19, 2003)

hugs julia
hugs kira
hugs to her sisters


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Your story has me cryig right now. Oh mama...







oh mama... How I wish I could be there in person with you to hold you and hug you.


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