# My little sister is cutting herself :(



## CeraMae (Apr 25, 2003)

Mom got a call from the school counselor today. It ends up my 14 yo sis has been cutting herself, and one of her friends was concerned and let the counselor know.

I don't know what to do or how to help. Honestly, I've been advising my mom to do something about her depression for the past 4 years, because the poor girl has been so depressed ever since moving to a new state and having to start all over. She just now has made new friends. There have been so many issues over the years with my mom and I have to confess I sort of blame a lot of this on her, of course I'm not going to say that. Her response to Sis's depression was that "the rest of you turned out 'fine' and she will too." (that is a whole other topic!)

Part of me is not surprised.

Part of me is happy that something finally "happened" so that mom and sis are forced to deal with the issues going on.

Part of me is SO sad because I want to do something but I don't know what to do.

Sis knows that the counselor told mom and when she gets home tonight mom was going to force her to go to therapy. I suggested to give her options, like who she wants to see, if she wants mom to go to a therapist also, or if she wants to try alternative healing instead of seeing a therapist. (I just worked in a therapy office for a few years and personally don't know how to feel about the profession. IMHO).

I cut myself a few times in my teens, when I hurt so badly inside that I couldnt' feel the pain outside. But I didn't do it religously for 6 months like she apparently has. I was self-destructive in other ways. But I got through it in my own way and don't know what advice to give. I've been giving her advice for years about outlets that worked for me/other people....

I've known people who did it but I didn't know how to help them. I still don't. I feel like everyone needs to find what works for them and it tears me up inside to sit here wishing there was something more I could do. I live out of state (she's moving here in the summer) but my little sis is like my own daughter. Mom was away all the time growing up and I basically raised her until 5 years ago, so I feel very critical of the way mom is (not) raising her. . . . .

I don't know why I'm writing here, I guess I'm rambling and not knowing who else to talk to.


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## village idiot (Feb 19, 2003)

There was a thread about this not too long ago and it has some links in it. HTH.

http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...threadid=68696


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

saw this and the other replies in the other forum where you posted. here are some random thoughts i have...

good friend of mine was a cutter. when very upset, she still feels the urge. i think the main difference for her has not been losing the urge, but learning more and more other things to do with herself when the urge arises. that, and obviously, handling her life differently so that she gets freaked out to the point much less frequently.

i have had other friends who cut too, but she was the one who scared me the most. she was suicidal. while not every cutter is suicidal, it does seem to bring it one step closer. so i would take this very very seriously (sounds like you are; it worries me a lot that your mom is not).

i totally understand your reservations about therapy. there are some - many - really f**ed up therapists out there, who do more harm than good. and besides, how much good can it do if she's forced into it? but maybe you can help her find someone good? cuz i also believe, in fact i know, that a really good therapist can help you save your own life. a good therapist brings not just training and "expertise" but also a lot of experience and insight that the rest of us just aren't gonna have.

some things that helped my friend:
- a really good therapist ( it took several, painful tries to find a good one, however)
- making a list of other venting/distracting things she could do whenever she felt like cutting, and then giving a copy of this list to everyone in her support network (varying results; only helpful if she actually called one of us)
- having someone to call who would not freak out when she cut (that would be me, i tried very hard to strike a balance between communicating very serious concern, and not scaring her off by seeming hysterical or judgmental... don't know how well i pulled it off. but i also developed this wierd spidey-sense that i would often call her just when she was about to do it... that kind of fucked up my head.)
- finding ways to take control of her life, and recognizing ways that she was already in control. (one of the reasons for the cutting was because it *seemed* like something she could control, when everything else seemed so beyond her control. but she wasn't giving herself credit for all the decisions she was making, and steps she was taking in her life.)
- finding ways to cause pain w/o actually causing harm. (therapist suggested this. most people who cut do so because external, physical pain is a way to channel the unbearable, internal pain. therapist said, that's ok, that's totally legitimate. suggested holding an ice cube in her fist. after a little while, it will hurt a lot, but won't cause any damage. physically impossible to hold onto it long enough to cause frostbite. with a little creativity, i'm sure there are other tricks like this.)
- art. she started making lots and lots and lots of art. always a compulsive journaler, she became even more so, and for the first time in her life turned to drawing as well as writing. this was maybe the most important thing. i was completely amazed by the volume and intensity of the art that she produced thru that period, and i believe more than anything that's what saved her life. and she's still drawing, which is awesome.

what didn't help:
- going to the hospital. evil evil evil institution. bottom line, if someone is going to kill themself unless they are in that environment, then that's what you have to do. but up until that point, i would fight tooth and nail to keep anyone i cared about out of the psych ward. ooh scary.
- drugs. duh.
- people who said they would support her and then weren't really there.

lastly...
take care of yourself! i know from experience how awful it is to be the support person to someone going thru something like this. feelings of helplessness, self-blame, inadequacy, terror... it can really mess you up. be there for sis - she is very very lucky to have you! - but make sure you have support of your own. you're no good to her if you fall apart, or withdraw, or flip out, or do whatever it is that you do when you reach your limit.

ok, really long email. it's just that the subject line caught my eye, i have strong feelings about this as you can tell. good luck to you both.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

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## bunny's mama (Nov 19, 2001)

sorry, i don't have a ton of time, but i wanted to do a quickie here, because its a professional area of expertise for me...

first i want to welcome schu106578 to MDC and also encourage you to please start a new thread. your question deserves a space of it's own.

on to ceramae...i'm a therapist (one if the non-F%$*ed up ones, i like to think







in any case, (insert deep breath) in my experience, i have _rarely_ seen someone who is cutting in a signficant manner for a significant length of time who has not been sexually abused. IMO, moving to a new place, while hugely stressful and sad for a girl her age, is not enough, in my professional experience and opinion, to cause cutting. is there a chance this is something that may have happened (or may be currently happening) to your sister?

i absolutely think that therapy is warranted for this type of situation. and yes, there are plenty of messed up horrible therapists, just like in every other profession, we are only human. hopefully, your mom (or you) know someone in the area who has been to a therapist there and can reccommend someone good. in general, low fee clinics are not something i would reccommend for this type of serious issue, as they are most often staffed by unpaid interns. many interns are very gifted therapists, but more often, they are just starting out and are not yet ready to deal with issues as serious as cutting and sexual abuse. i would reccommend a licensed therapist or licensed psychologist. PM me if you like, i'm not sure where your sis is living, but i just might have a referral for you.

it is true that 99% of cutters are NOT actually suicidal, but i have known of cutters who accidentally cut too deeply and do actually kill themselves. cutting is mostly a cry for help. it is an indication that something is terribly wrong in your sister's life. my heart cries for her. she really needs some help, and is blessed to have a big sis who cares.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I recently saw a big article in a major magazine, I can't remember which, about this very thing. It seems that teenage girls are doing it as a hobby - they compare scars, discuss ways to do it, etc. as if they were bike riders or in a jazz band.

What occurs to me is that your sister may have made friends with some girls who do this and now does it (and it was easy to start with her already being depressed) to fit in and have friends.

Go a google search and see if you can find the article. It was very informative.

Emily


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

I started cutting at 14. I stopped when I was 22; I'm 25 now.

What helped me the most was having a therapist who never said I had to stop, that it was bad, that he thought I was suicidal, that I needed to be hospitalized, etc. He just said if I wanted to stop then he would try and help, but if I slipped now and then, or changed my mind and decided I didn't want to stop, that was OK too. (Most teenage girls would probably rather talk to a woman; I just happened to work well with a man.) Also, through the years, he kept mentioning that he did not in any way consider me to be mentally ill. That helped too.

I was never hospitalized. I tried different medications and I can't say they helped much. I cut almost daily and have serious scarring, which I'm hoping can be lasered away one day. I wear long sleeves as much as I can but when it gets too hot, there's not much I can do. I used to lie and say I was in all sorts of accidents but I just tell the truth now.

One thing that just made everything worse was being around people - usually boyfriends - who would try and get me to stop by checking for new cuts every day, threatening to send me to the hospital, or finding and destroying cutting implements. That just made me be more secretive about it.

I second what was said about sexual abuse - even if that's not what's going on, there's a good chance it could be some other sex-related issue. Cutters often have eating disorders and substance abuse problems too.

The best book I have ever read about this subject is A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain by Marilee Strong.

Did you know Princess Diana was a cutter too?


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## Staceyhsmom1 (May 7, 2002)

CeraMae,
I wanted to let you know you sound like an awesome big sister! It's tough to watch others deal with their issues in a self-destructive way. You sound alot like my big sis! She's 11 years older then I and we are very close, we all went thru our own trama as teenagers and young adults and have safely landed







I always knew I could count on my sister, and still do. I don't have anything to add about the cutting, but wanted to take the time to let you know bis sisters are wonderful! Let your sis know you're thinking about her.


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## mamatoady (Mar 16, 2004)

I am a recovering cutter...I stopped 5 years ago, though the urge didn't stop until about 2 years ago. After twice-weekly 90 minute EMDR sessions with an amazing therapist for about 2 months. These were the critical steps in my healing.

1) i found a therapist I could trust and who didn't tell me what to do
2) I worked on and came to terms (mostly) with my history of abuse
3) I came to love/honor myself.

Frankly, I don't think much of anything will help unless and until your sister (or any other cutter) starts to love themselves, again. I say again, because I believe that at everyone at some point in their lives (even if in utero) started out loving themselves...so it is always possible to return. Bottom line, though if they don't appreciate their bodies, and their lives..making a mark on their skin will only have superficial value..."who cares if I cut myself? It's a battle wound, a sign for what I've been through (am going through)"

For me, I now everyday have to deal with these horrible scars that I am incredibly embarrassed of. I never would have thought, 6 years ago, that I would ever care about them...now I worry about what I will tell my daughter when she asks about them.

I guess I really only have support for you. Your sister will do what she does until she's done. She is doing what she can with what she has. You can offer her love, hope, a place to stay. Therapy is necessary, IMO. I would continually reinforce how much she means to everyone. Unlike a therapist, who will never tell her stop (maybe a bad one will), as your sister, I think you can ask her to stop. I remember it being a very powerful moment when my brother was pleading with me to stop...I felt like crap, but in the long run it meant something.

EMDR is an amazing process of trauma reprocessing (done by a qualified/trained therapist) and has been used sucessfully for all kinds of traumas (abuse/war vets/unpleasant memories etc.). It may not work for everyone and may take longer for some than for others to work. After 4 years of therapy not helping, I switched therapists and a year into that therapy he took the training and after 2-3 months and 2 months of hard-core work I have no PTSD symptoms and have really come to the place I can love myself again. Your sister may not have been abused (and I'm sorry but the above therapist scares me, as she insinuates your sister was/is abused which may or may not be the case) but anyway, the EMDR can still help her sort out her feelings about her cutting and where the feelings truly originate from.

sorry, this is long...so much more I'd like to say, but will end here.
sarah


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