# I am a new mama today.



## becoming

No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!


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## sweetpea333

OK I wanna do it to, I have a problem with all the 3 u listed. i Promised myself that I would always use GD but when dd1 turned 3 it all went downhill


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## lovemyfamily6

I'm in. It's always my goal but when the going gets tough, this mama yells.


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## Uxor

I'm in too. I've been trying to kicks these tendencies to no avail for awhile now.


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## chrissy

okay, i'll join too.

i'm going to have a lot of questions though.

what would you guys do if you are cooking dinner, baby is fussing, 3 yo is painting at the table, and 6yo starts yelling at you and won't stop? i took away a privilege and sent him to his room. he carried on up there, yelling and crying at screaming mean things to me. once i had things under control with dinner and the other 2 i went upstairs to him and hugged him and rubbed his hair and told him how much i loved him. that really helped. but what to do in the moment?


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## Cujobunny

*sigh* I'm in too. Another mama of a 3 yr old here. I just wanna go one day without yelling.


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## singlemomof4

Count this mama of four in too!
I would love to be able to wake up in the morning telling myself today is a new day-I won't yell, threaten or guilt (which I DO do every single morning) and actually have it last after the kids have woken up half hour later


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## titania8

i'll join. i only wish one of you (or all!) could be here with me to help me out when i start losing it.


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## becoming

Wow, I just came back to this and am so glad there are so many responses!









We actually had a really good night. I had one bad mama moment with my 2.5-year-old at the dinner table. She was making a *huge* mess. I should have just taken a breath and reminded myself that she was a 2-year-old eating chicken noodle soup at a regular table, and there's no way for that to NOT be a mess. But instead, I got crabby with her and told my sister (on the phone), "Well, Anna won't be eating soup at the big table again!" sort of jokingly, but it made my baby cry.







: I told her I was sorry for getting mad about the mess and that even Mama makes messes, and messes aren't something to get upset over, so I hope I "fixed" things.

I didn't even get cross with my 6-year-old once tonight. He usually gets the brunt of my stress, bad moods, etc., which I hate. I think it's because he's the oldest, so I expect him to be the "mature" one and am disappointed when he's not. Which is silly--he's SIX! But tonight we had a good night.

I sat and read books to all three kids for quite some time and patiently handled a couple of arguments between the older two, which has been a real struggling point for me lately--moderating their arguments without siding with one or the other and without threatening to split them up.

So overall, a great night for us. Just the one thing at the table, and I think I got through to her that I was truly sorry for that incident. Must remember that messes are much more "fixable" than hurt feelings...

Chrissy, I think you could try the hugging/rubbing his hair right there in the moment, when he's screaming. I know how hard that is. The last thing you want to do is hug a kid who's screaming at you! But it really sounds like he was wanting your attention in that moment. I know my kids are sooo attention-hungry when I'm cooking for some reason, maybe because it's the one time when my focus is totally unattainable? It sounds like you smoothed things over well after the incident, but maybe try some of that affection in the moment next time.

It's going to be great to have a thread to bounce ideas off each other and help each other become better mamas every day.


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## hipumpkins

Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?
That is my worst problem. I don't yell everday and I don't yell for everything but some days I totally lose it...some times I yell and sometimes I grit my teeth and do that through teeth yell thing.

I NEVER want to do but I need a concrete effective way to make it stop.

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....


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## aschmied

I'm with you! Another 3 yo here! I do ok on yelling, but threats sometimes slip out, and guilt is insidious. I'd also like to cut down on my use of "







Just do x and so..." I hate it when she turns it on me, so it's gotta be a bad habit!


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## crystalkr

Ugh, I need to join. I've noticed that the times that I become enraged is when I feel that my parenting/kid is out-of-control and i don't know what else to do. I think if I don't know the correct reaction/disapline that I should probably do nothing but it's like i can hear all the other people in my head saying that my child will be an out-of-control brat if i "let him get away with that".

I'm also fuzzy on natural consequences. Like, for example, when my 3.5 y.o. purposely pushes over his 10 month old brother. I've been trying really hard to just ignore him and go comfort the baby, so that he can see that that behavior won't get him any attention, but that doesn't seem like enough. But if he is doing it for attention, then I need to give him more positive attention.....

The worst is that I need to control my hands. I don't hit my DS but i do sometimes grab his arm roughly which I'm sure scares him, despite telling him over and over that he needs to be gentle with his brother and that he is not allowed to hurt people. Talk about mixed messages. After thinking about it for a long time, this morning I told him that he can tell/ask me to be more gentle with him and that I've made mistakes but that I'm trying really hard to stop. He didn't say much but his eyes got a little teary which tells me that it does hurt and scare him and then I felt even more horrible. I would love to hear any thoughts, tips, experiences, etc.

I did just copy this from an archived thread and am going to put it on my frig.

When my dd is "acting up", I have finally learned to do a self-check. Since I started doing this, things are going much smoother for me as a mother:

What attitudes am I sending out? Am I thinking that dd is in my way/a nuisance rather than a contribution to me and the family? Am I angry at myself or my dh? Am I behaving in an addictive way (such as spending too much time on the computer or procrastinating or getting sidetracked) which tunes me out from my dd's signals? Am I uncomfortable with my dd's display of emotions? Am I being unfocused, indecisive, wishy washy, asking too many questions (to dd)? Am I being impatient with myself? Am I trying to accomplish too many things around the house and not taking time to smell the flowers, smile, laugh, dance? Am I being resistant of my child's love, respect and adoration of me? Have I kept us in the house all day (no fresh air, people contact, physical activity)? Is it a boring day? Am I not taking responsibility for my own happiness?


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## riversong

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....

I recently gotten serious about stopping the threats, guilt and anger. I am very far from having all the answers, but this is what has been working for me this week with dd...

I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten." Then I take the breath and count and, amazingly, dd and I smile at each other after that. She just watches me and mellows out with me. Then I try and take things from there with a kind tone of voice and a gentler manner.

It wouldn't work for dd if she were having a tantrum, but when it's just my issue, like when she won't wash her hands for dinner and I'm sick of asking nicely because I just want to get her and ds eating, it helps! I actually stay really calm when she's screaming, but her ignoring and refusing push my buttons like crazy!


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## samuelsmom

I'm joining, too. I've been working on this for what seems like forever---but I've been reading Non-Violent Communication, and I finally feel like I have some tools to actually use, not just guilt over how I've done it wrong in the past.

So, here's to a new day!


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## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riversong* 
I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten."

This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

*"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."*

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."

I can't even remember where I read that quote, but it has helped me sooo much. I've shared it on these boards before, so forgive me if you're tired of hearing it, but I just hope it will help someone else.

We had a relatively good morning considering I got up an hour late.







I realized that I need to work on two things: (1) actually getting up on time! The stress I feel in the mornings is totally my own fault for pushing the snooze button 20 times in a row! (2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.


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## ricemom3

Count me in, too.
It has become very difficult to control since I have teenagers who talk back (a lot). I hope this thread will help me to control myself with them and therefore teach them how to control themselves. Another roadblock I have is dh. He is very (I can't think of a word)...he gets loud and does yell. He kinda (a lot) wants things a certain way, and when they are different he doesn't really know how to handle it. Example - ds1 is 17, he likes to wear his jeans sagging (a little), his shirt covers it and he can walk normally. DH hates that and is constantly on him to pull up his pants. This usually turns into an arguement that I then try to disfuse, but get caught in the middle w/ dh accusing me of siding with ds. Anyway, I guess if I model the preferred behavior, the kids will follow my example.


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## lovemyfamily6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crystalkr* 
The worst is that I need to control my hands. I don't hit my DS but i do sometimes grab his arm roughly which I'm sure scares him, despite telling him over and over that he needs to be gentle with his brother and that he is not allowed to hurt people. Talk about mixed messages.

Ugh, me too, especially with one of my 4 1/2 year old twins.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *riversong* 
I'm tuning in to myself more and stopping mid-sentence when I start to get angry, frantic, etc. I say something like, "I'm starting to feel upset and I need to calm down. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten." Then I take the breath and count and, amazingly, dd and I smile at each other after that. She just watches me and mellows out with me. Then I try and take things from there with a kind tone of voice and a gentler manner.

This is such a great idea, and one I'm going to use. Thank you for sharing it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

I like your quote as well, about drops not hailstones. Also, I'm the same way about getting somewhere, mainly to pick my oldest up at school. It's super busy at the school so you need to get there before he gets out at 3:00. We live two minutes away, so I always want to leave by 2:45. The two 4 1/2 year olds are always difficult to get out on time because they want to buckle themselves, they need to find a toy to take, etc. Yesterday, we left at 2:30. We had a long wait, but we weren't rushed. I put on some of their music and we sat there and waited. I decided that starting today, I'm also going to play a color game with them. We'll choose a color each day and name as many things as we can with that color. I'll need to find some other good sitting in the car games too, because they start to fight if they sit together for too long.


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## titania8

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?
That is my worst problem. I don't yell everday and I don't yell for everything but some days I totally lose it...some times I yell and sometimes I grit my teeth and do that through teeth yell thing.

I NEVER want to do but I need a concrete effective way to make it stop.

What do you do...incidents aside I need the big picture.
*I feel it coming on and once that rage is there it takes everything in my body not to hit and I don't I don't hit my kids but the anger has to go somewhere and right out of my mouth it flies....*

ay, this is me too. only i have hit them, but not often. and i hate myself for it. i apologize and talk to them about it, but it is not right and it needs to never happen again.

i did yell today, but not much. i caught it and made a note of having done it, but doubled my efforts of not yelling anymore. today is better than yesterday. tomorrow will be better than today.

what has helped me in the past is to repeat the words CALM, GENTLE, KIND LOVING. i keep thinking i should have them printed and on the walls to remind myself, so im going to do it. along with that quote about hailstones and drops.


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## aschmied

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
Yesterday, we left at 2:30. We had a long wait, but we weren't rushed. I put on some of their music and we sat there and waited. I decided that starting today, I'm also going to play a color game with them. We'll choose a color each day and name as many things as we can with that color. I'll need to find some other good sitting in the car games too, because they start to fight if they sit together for too long.

What about a "carschooling" book? I looked at one and many of the ideas were fun, and just HAPPENED to teach something.







That's my favorite kind of learning.

I have just started doing something like the saying I'm upset deep breaths, but I haven't been quite so clear. I also like drops, not hailstones!


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## forestrymom

I start every day with this but it seems I fail







. I need work. A lot of hard work. I need to remind myself that they are my blessing, my love, my responsiblity, when I am frustrated. Like just now. Ds NEVER naps long enough (like 15 minutes) and dd and I had just started playing when he woke. So I went to him, with dd and she was on the bed kicking me. I asked her to stop and she told me NO, then continued to do it. I know she is aggressive because I am, and I am working on that, but what do I do in the meantime? What is the natural consequence of her mean behavior?


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## singlemomof4

Today has been a perfect example of waking up, telling myself "I will not yell, I will not take their age appropriate tempertantrums personally" etc. I almost feel like in telling myself I won't do these things that I am setting myself up for dissapointment. I try the deep breathes (they just make me want to scream more), counting to ten(how many times are we supposed to do this for it to work?), walking away from situations I know will end in argument (which BTW my family worker has been adiment about re-inforcing and stressing to me a million and one times lately; you do not argue with children!) This makes me mad. How am I not supposed to argue when everything out of their mouths in their anger is a direct argument starting point. They set out the bait and me being "mom" and the grown up, I am not supposed to take the bait!!?? AHHHH







:

So today is grocery shopping day...whoo hoo! Mommy and three children in tow. I knew this would be a BAD day to do it, but in my defense my choices were either today with three monkeys trailing behind; when two can go in cart and one walking beside me...OR tomorrow with four yelling, whining, monkeys trailing along. One of which; DS1, who could and WILL throw a massive uncontrollable fit in the middle of checkout if I won't buy him exactly what he wants and when he wants it. So I chose today. We're in the store, DS2 walking holding cart beside me Great! But he's picking up a million things along my way throwing them carelessly into my cart, DS3 and DD in cart strapped in and not going anywhere;right? Wrong! DS3 climbs over his sister, out and into cart full of food squishing bread, eggs, bagels, veggies etc along his way!!!







: All I wanted to do as I felt my face redening, cheeks burning and tempers rising was get the heck out of there! But I couldn't. I will not go back later, in the midst of a snowstorm, with four children, at rush hour of grocery shopping. No way no how. Sooo, I nicely ask DS3 to get back into his seat, "No!" I ask again nicely, but looking sternly and somewhat enraged. He again says "No!" this time louder. And I snapped! So much for no yelling. And yelling in public!!! I hate it! But I wasn't even thinking about where we were, what was happening or anything. All I was thinking of is; this child beter listen to me now or he is going to regret it. You know whats funny? He did get back in the cart, sat their the entire remainder of our shopping. But you know who felt regret? ME!

I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.


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## becoming

Ugh, not having a good evening mentally, mamas. My 2.5-year-old came home loaded up on Easter candy today, and she is being so, so difficult. At least my 6-year-old is quiet--my mom bought him a new Wii game.


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## AutumnMama

Thanks for starting this thread. I will be taking notes, I need it!


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## Uxor

My husband is a pilot and left for work today and won't be back till tuesday. Let's see if I can find the strength to not yell or guilt my three year old while he's gone. He misses his father a lot when he's gone and tends to act it out. It's so hard to be patient at times. This evening went amazingly well, let's keep our fingers crossed for tommorrow.


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## hipumpkins

I'm not sure but aren't the parents of 3 year olds exempt?









I lived through one and dreading the next one.


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## becoming

Don't get me scared about age 3! My middler will be 3 in October. For the most part, I've forgotten how trying age 3 was with my oldest.


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## Think of Winter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
He usually gets the brunt of my stress, bad moods, etc., which I hate. I think it's because he's the oldest, so I expect him to be the "mature" one and am disappointed when he's not.

I have this problem w/ ds, too. He is 4.

I am a yeller, a grabber (only a couple of times, but still), and a lecturer/guilter. Not sure how to stop. I'm a tiny bit better with the yelling, but giving it up for lent didn't seem to help. It's like it just wells up in me and I can't control it, or totally justify it to myself in the moment. It's scary. I've even started yelling at my 21 mo dd.









For me, it's mainly misplaced anger related to my family of origin. I'm working hard now at trying to get past it. I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that. Some of you may need to eat more often! I also am anxious when my house is a mess, so I've been trying to maintain the level of chaos to something bearable.


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## Think of Winter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *singlemomof4* 
I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.

The grocery store is very, very hard. I do whatever it takes to make it more pleasant for all of us. For me, that means I treat myself to a frappucino when I walk in the door (caffiene high, yay!), and the kids can munch on anything they like as we shop as long as they're neat (stuff that isn't sold by weight.)

In the moment stuff, let's see...step away (not possible in the store), deep breaths, mantras, don't get into awful situations (e.g. me and kids in store when we're all hungry and tired), comic relief if at all possible, rescue remedy.

Come on mamas, let's hear some more in the moment fixes!


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## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *colleen95* 
I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that.

DD and I are both like this as well. You can almost bet that if DD is having a tantrum, the problem is that she's hungry. I try to keep whole wheat crackers with us at all times for moments like these.


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## SeekingJoy

I'm in.


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## joeymama

grocery store trips suck, I have 3 little ones 3, 16 mos and 6 mos, I went shopping for WIC After a long day of errands and with . WIC Sucks, heres how I do it, I have 2 ergo's I strap the little one to my front and put the other ergo on my back with 16 mo, Then I do my best to engage 3 yo with his own shopping list, can you find the apples or eggs what ever he likes it I try to treat it like a scavenger hunt, I do loose my temper and have been known to walk out leaving my full cart of grocery's in the middle of the aisle I have only had to actually leave the store and get to the car once talking to my ds along the way and when he calmed down explaining what I needed (not expected ) of him for us to buy the things in our cart and take them home. I also let them each pick one approved thing When I feel the ball of heat rising up in my stomach (the anger heat) I growl I know it is still aggressive but at least I am not yelling or snatching their little arms ( I have had a problem with this move in the past and am trying hard not to do anymore)and it makes me feel better and I can then recenter and deal with the situation.
My 16 mo is potty friendly and knows that the phrase pee pee will send me running to the bathroom and is a great way to get down off of my back. then he loves to go boneless while sissy is on my front making it impossible to pick him up. so sissy gets shifted to the back at this point of the trip and 16mo goes in the cart. At this point in the trip I am looking for an exit, Another thing I try to do is arrange my shopping list by most important things go into the cart first that way if i have to cut my losses I have what is really important, like eggs, veggies first , chips snacks last.
It suck being "that" mommy but I think we are ALL "that" mama sometimes
I truly feel like when we are "that" mommy apologizing to my kids is super important, If I loose it I try to tell my son im sorry I lost it, and then I try to explain why I lost it , ie. I was feeling very frustrated because you kept putting things into the cart or you wouldn't listen to mommy and brother and sister were crying it was hard for me but I still shouldn't yell at you that was wrong , so I am sorry and I love you.

I dont think there is anything wrong with letting my kids know how their actions affect other people, I try really hard not to guilt them but awareness is helpful, I know that if I am aware how my actions affect others I can try to be more aware of them I notice my ds1 responds to this he wants to make me happy he wants but those cheddar bunnies and those strawberries. I dont know if theis will help but it works for me


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## hipumpkins

In line at the grocery store we play Simon Says so little hands are busy on their heads instead in the candy shelf.









I am literally sweating after a trip to the supermarket with my kids and find that I always forgot at least 3 things that we need but I'm always glad when it's done..forgotten things or not.


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## JennieYoung44

I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors. I know that the single most important thing is having the desire to change.
I think, there is no "in the moment fix." It would be nice if there were, I agree. The only thing you can really do when it is hitting the fan, is watch. Almost anything you do, I think, is destined to result in disaster. I went through a looong period of time where I ping ponged between happy folk mama and freakin' loud mama. Here are few things to consider:

1. If you really want to change, give yourself and your children a MONTH to get used to it. You will end up changing your attitude/outlook/mood but your kids will not notice. In fact, they may become even "worse." After all, you have been relying on the power of your voice to keep everyone "in line." If you aren't going to use it anymore, be prepared that the children will not notice for a while. Does this make any sense?

2. A 3 year old is a 3 year old is a 3 year old. There is no changing them only accepting and waiting and finally, some day it becomes a 4 or 5 year old. It gets easier. All a 2-3 year old wants is your UNDYING attention. What is so hard about that?









3. Get your husband/partner/other ON BOARD as soon as possible. He doesn't want to yell either, I am sure. Don't blame. Just talk. "I don't want to __________ anymore. Let's do this. Let's not _____________ anymore. Let's give it a month." I really think it is very hard for moms and dads to accept their shortcomings. We are all afraid of blame and guilt and pointing fingers. And we have a HUGE supply of excuses -- valid excuses. It isn't easy raising children. So, remember that every day is a new opportunity to try again, and remind him/her/whatever as well. Your children are resilient, they will forgive you. You are teaching them to overcome obstacles, and that is a lesson worth learning.

4. I strongly suggest handwriting out these maxims and hanging them somewhere you will read them many times daily. Source

Quote:

Some Maxims About Childhood Behavior

Children aren't adults, so don't expect them to behave as though they were.

Children learn by doing, so don't expect to approve of everything they do.

It is a rare child whose behavior equals his parents' expectations.

*Children are more likely to do as you do than to do as you say.*

*It is often less important for parents to control their children's behavior than it is for them to control their own.*

Children react to anger; they respond to love and affection.
They were invaluable to me in my struggle to stop yelling (and grabbing and threatening...)

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.


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## Mom2lilpeeps

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.


This brought tears to my eyes. I am going through a very crazy time with dd who will be 4 in a week. I will try silence more. Thank you.


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## riversong

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 

I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

Ugh. I do the exact same thing! I hate being late. When I look at this intellectually I can see that being a little late for preschool or music class is no big deal, but in the moment I get frantic. I get so angry at dd for refusing to brush her hair, etc, because she's making us late as well as refusing to cooperate with me.

I've realized that what I need is a total shift in my view of life. I need to put things in perspective and then live according to what I think is most important. This is so hard when dd and I have conflicting desires and I don't have a solution I can think of off the top of my head. I'm learning to forgive myself and look at the little bit of progress I'm making each day. And there is nothing better than seeing the change in my dd. When I am more positive and relaxed, she is more joyful and cooperative. It's amazing.


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## titania8

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Don't get me scared about age 3! My middler will be 3 in October. For the most part, I've forgotten how trying age 3 was with my oldest.

im going to have two 3 year olds in october! yikes!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *colleen95* 

For me, it's mainly misplaced anger related to my family of origin. I'm working hard now at trying to get past it. I also have a hair-trigger temper when my blood sugar gets low, so I thought I'd mention that. Some of you may need to eat more often! I also am anxious when my house is a mess, so I've been trying to maintain the level of chaos to something bearable.

this is me. i hate eating in the morning, it makes me gaggy and nothing sounds good. but i know i have to eat. i need to find something that i can stomach, with protein. which sounds easy, but i can't have dairy (one of my nurslings is intolerant) so that leaves out yogurt (soy is gross to me) and cheese, and we try to eat veg here, but i have been craving sausage so i think im going to just get some.

guess is just talked myself through that problem.







thanks for listening.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *colleen95* 
The grocery store is very, very hard. I do whatever it takes to make it more pleasant for all of us. For me, that means I treat myself to a frappucino when I walk in the door (caffiene high, yay!), and the kids can munch on anything they like as we shop as long as they're neat (stuff that isn't sold by weight.)

In the moment stuff, let's see...step away (not possible in the store), deep breaths, mantras, don't get into awful situations (e.g. me and kids in store when we're all hungry and tired), comic relief if at all possible, rescue remedy.

Come on mamas, let's hear some more in the moment fixes!

my in the moment fix is to sing. i am not a good singer, nor do i enjoy it, but it does make things better. when the kids are yelling and im want to pull my hair out i (if i haven't gone over the edge yet) start singing any kids song i can think of. i feel better, more calm, and they stop and listen, if only for a second at first. i have not had to do this at the store yet, we don't have a huge problem there (knock on wood). but when they get restless i just pull a box of crackers off the shelf or get a couple fresh rolls from the bakery. food solves pretty much all problems.









today is off to a good start. i managed to eat something this morning, and the boys are in good moods. i feel a little on edge, but its snack time for me. again.


----------



## Jannah6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!

I'll join you. Wish DH would too







.


----------



## Jannah6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *singlemomof4* 

So today is grocery shopping day...whoo hoo! Mommy and three children in tow. I knew this would be a BAD day to do it, but in my defense my choices were either today with three monkeys trailing behind; when two can go in cart and one walking beside me...OR tomorrow with four yelling, whining, monkeys trailing along. One of which; DS1, who could and WILL throw a massive uncontrollable fit in the middle of checkout if I won't buy him exactly what he wants and when he wants it. So I chose today. We're in the store, DS2 walking holding cart beside me Great! But he's picking up a million things along my way throwing them carelessly into my cart, DS3 and DD in cart strapped in and not going anywhere;right? Wrong! DS3 climbs over his sister, out and into cart full of food squishing bread, eggs, bagels, veggies etc along his way!!!







: All I wanted to do as I felt my face redening, cheeks burning and tempers rising was get the heck out of there! But I couldn't. I will not go back later, in the midst of a snowstorm, with four children, at rush hour of grocery shopping. No way no how. Sooo, I nicely ask DS3 to get back into his seat, "No!" I ask again nicely, but looking sternly and somewhat enraged. He again says "No!" this time louder. And I snapped! So much for no yelling. And yelling in public!!! I hate it! But I wasn't even thinking about where we were, what was happening or anything. All I was thinking of is; this child beter listen to me now or he is going to regret it. You know whats funny? He did get back in the cart, sat their the entire remainder of our shopping. But you know who felt regret? ME!

I think I am among the many other mamas who too are looking for help in the moment. I know what I "should do", it's being able to remember in the heat of moments like this morning.























. It's been years since I have taken DC grocery shopping with me, but then again I'm not a single Mamma. I won't even take oldest well-behaved 10 yr old DS and well-behaved 5 yr old DS food shopping, it's natural for all LO to want, want,want. Forget about taking my 2DD, they are SOOOOO NOT well-behaved, under any circumstances.

Do you have friends or family that can at least watch the oldest DCwhile you food shop?


----------



## Cujobunny

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.

I love this. This will stick with me. Yes yelling does make it worse. Because then I feel so guilty for the rest of the day even lying in bed at night wishing I hadn't yelled. My ds is very sensitive and I feel when my anger is welling up inside, that I just need a physical release. If I try not to yell, sometimes I clap my hands or stomp my foot but that scares him. I hate scaring him. But the odd time where I manage to just breathe through that moment of feeling like I'm going to lose my top, that... it's gone. and we can get on with our day.

I agree with keeping the blood sugar up too. I snack just as much as ds does, every couple hours. I have to make sure I drink enough water too.


----------



## 3sunz&I

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
I'm in. It's always my goal but when the going gets tough, this mama yells.









Me too! I want to do better, but sometimes no matter how hard I try, it seems impossible!


----------



## mytwogirls

Can I join this club? I have a two year old and nine month old and yeah, I promise everyday no more yelling, arguing, slamming doors and guess what happens? Yep, usually all three. Ok, so here we go! No more, I promise (this time for real!







) Oh, please help me make it through the day.....


----------



## libranbutterfly

I want to join this thread. I have come along way, but am stll not too happy with myself as a mom. This thread has helped me alot already


----------



## becoming

We had a really bad day. We were out of town most of the day, and I'm sick on top of that. So I was not the nicest mama today.

Tomorrow will be better. Drops, not hailstones...


----------



## hipumpkins

Today I remembered that I had to hold myself accountable to this thread (of all things) and mid yell I just started lowering my voice.
Although at breakfast my kids were crazy..."he's looking at me aaaggghhh" kind of stuff. Michael was a fusspot who didn't want any of the breakfast that he wanted (he's 2 remember)
so I was literally in the bathroom in looking in the mirror saying, "this isn't crazy? They are crazy! They are trying to make me crazy...why must they scream!!"

So I went crazy in the bathroom but I didn't yell.









*hugs to you becoming. It totally stinks when you're sick







:


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetpea333* 
OK I wanna do it to, I have a problem with all the 3 u listed. i Promised myself that I would always use GD but when dd1 turned 3 it all went downhill










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
*sigh* I'm in too. Another mama of a 3 yr old here. I just wanna go one day without yelling.

Ok, so I'm not the only one... thank all that's SACRED for you ladies... I promise to sub and read the entire thread, didn't make it past the first couple posts... just gonna jump in and come back to read through in detail when she's down.

Everyone keeps telling me "Oh you know, they're much worse when they're three..."

I refuse to buy it. They may be more _challening_, but I choose to look at it as her independance coming to fruition, her personality separating from me.

One thing I learned in early childhood education is that 3 is a _threshold_ between being parent-oriented and being more peer-oriented, between the throes of Body-Being and the progression toward Emotional-Being (which starts around 8).

Right now they are battling with themselves as much as they are with us.

They want to be with us... _WITH us_ all the time, and then they suddenly don't want us around. They want to be independant and self-sufficient, but then they want nurturing and help... and then they _wanna do it ALONE, Mommy!_ And all of it on _their_ terms.

So I know all of this from a clinical stand-point. I was a great teacher of this age-group. Prided myself on potty-teaching 8 children between 2.5 and 3.5 at a time in a fairly crunchy pre-school with Piaget leanings. I give great advice. I fascilitate workshops on certain totally awesome books (like Faber/Mazlish), at dd's Reggio-based 2days/week school where I parent-help 4-5 times a month the other moms call me the preschool-whisperer and pass off their kids to me as they leave, because they know I'm good for hugs, supportive nurturing, and attentiveness in a way that the teacher isn't so much (_whole_ other thread on THAT woman), etc...

All the while, at home, with my _own_ (which is just like they all said it would be... totally different, and very demoralizing to a former teacher on her way to a degree in clinical pediatric psychology hoping to serve families of high needs kids...) I am struggling against the abuse I received at this age, having ridiculous power-struggles, being yelled at, enduring some seriously nasty attitude (where the heck did the mean-mug come from??) and barely maintaining a degree of GD principles.

I will gladly share what's working for us (the things that actually occassionally work!) if you guys will share what's working for you all! I just need some support, I need to know other AP and GD moms are going through it too, and are committed to making the best choices, and NOT replaying the not-so-awesome parenting choices _our_ parents made (for those of you whose parents rocked, I can only envy you...).

How do _you_ reach past how you were parented, in the moment, to resolve conflict without coercion, threats, punishments, and abuse/intimidation-tactics?


----------



## juliemarie

I'm in. I'm so tired of yelling. I want a peaceful home.


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *forestrymom* 
<snip>
So I went to him, with dd and she was on the bed kicking me. I asked her to stop and she told me NO, then continued to do it. I know she is aggressive because I am, and I am working on that, but what do I do in the meantime? What is the natural consequence of her mean behavior?

Would you feel comfortable offering a choice to her? When dd gets 'violent' with me (hitting or punching or kicking; rare, but it happens) I remind her "Our house is a _peaceful_ house. Your choice right now is you can stop kicking me and stay in here with me/us, you can leave the room, or I/we can leave the room." Sometimes she chooses "_YOU_ leave!" And I say, "Ok, I'm going to the whatever-room, and I'm going to be peaceful. Let me know when you are ready to be peaceful too."

Maybe the natural consequence is that you aren't in the room to field the abuse...kwim?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors. I know that the single most important thing is having the desire to change.
I think, there is no "in the moment fix." It would be nice if there were, I agree. The only thing you can really do when it is hitting the fan, is watch. Almost anything you do, I think, is destined to result in disaster. I went through a looong period of time where I ping ponged between happy folk mama and freakin' loud mama. Here are few things to consider:

1. If you really want to change, give yourself and your children a MONTH to get used to it. You will end up changing your attitude/outlook/mood but your kids will not notice. In fact, they may become even "worse." After all, you have been relying on the power of your voice to keep everyone "in line." If you aren't going to use it anymore, be prepared that the children will not notice for a while. Does this make any sense?

2. A 3 year old is a 3 year old is a 3 year old. There is no changing them only accepting and waiting and finally, some day it becomes a 4 or 5 year old. It gets easier. All a 2-3 year old wants is your UNDYING attention. What is so hard about that?









3. Get your husband/partner/other ON BOARD as soon as possible. He doesn't want to yell either, I am sure. Don't blame. Just talk. "I don't want to __________ anymore. Let's do this. Let's not _____________ anymore. Let's give it a month." I really think it is very hard for moms and dads to accept their shortcomings. We are all afraid of blame and guilt and pointing fingers. And we have a HUGE supply of excuses -- valid excuses. It isn't easy raising children. So, remember that every day is a new opportunity to try again, and remind him/her/whatever as well. Your children are resilient, they will forgive you. You are teaching them to overcome obstacles, and that is a lesson worth learning.

4. I strongly suggest handwriting out these maxims and hanging them somewhere you will read them many times daily. Source

They were invaluable to me in my struggle to stop yelling (and grabbing and threatening...)

Last suggestion: Practice silence. If you don't have anything nice to say... you know the rest. Keeping your mouth shut is very hard to do. Sometimes, when the kids are off the wall, I stand there watching them, thinking, this situation could not get any worse. And then, I remember: it could be worse. I could be yelling at them. And I'm not. Silence is nice. I am confident that in time, they will grow up.

I love ALL of this!! ALLL of it.

Ok, so, having now read the thread, here are my pieces to add, in hopes that by adding some love, I'll be more loving myself!

*In The Moment Mantras:*

_Will the world come to it's end if I don't let this go?
usually the answer is no...

Am I, are we, is she... *H*ungry-*A*ngry-*L*onely-*T*ired? HALT = Mama, stop.
if I am attending to these things, my job is easier...

I am creating her recollections. What do I want that to look like?
Paint your child's sense of self and experience of the world with patience...

In LOVE there is no room for punishment.
PERIOD.

Even when it isn't working, it's working.
becuase every effort plants a seed for the fortitude of our relationships with our children. Our lowered voioces after yelling, or our silence in the chaos now, means more trust and security later..._

Ok, so there are some mantras that help me...

Some books (click on titles to follow links to reviews and descriptions...) that are really helping me (I re-read them; could re-read them again 10 more times, get more everytime I do!):

Raising a Secure Child:Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child by Zeynep Biringen, PhD. This book spans infancy - adulthood, a literal workbook in ways to tend to your connection to your child. Attachment is a term loosely tossed about. This book details how to assess and maintain the quality of that attachment we have strived for, into adulthood.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen; How to Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Follow this link to a _really good_, unbiased review, that contains a link to a pdf. with all the main points from the 7 chapters in a "mind map' ... reeallly cool, and perfect for posting onto the fridge or other strategic locales! Just _found_ THIS particular link.
Natural Learning Rhythms by Josette and Sambhava Luvmour. Seriously, it's right there in the name... Luv More. More love... and understanding of what our kids are going through and insights into developmental stages even into teen years and beyond. This is the book that discusses the Stages of Being, like Body-Being, Emotional-Being, etc. Holistic educators are recommended to read this one, and it supports unschooling or home-schooling strategies, too...
That's my top 3 right now... at midnight...









One last thing... Anyone practice LoA? We might find success by starting to eliminate phrases like: _I don't want to hit_ or _I don't want to yell_;referring to our behaviors as things we won't or don't want to do, the idea being that when we put it into an active, positive light, we begin to become what we're creating. We really can create some wonderful recollections for our dc's... Do we want them at 25 to look back and say "I remember that my mom and I..... _were always covertly hostile to one another._" Or do we want something for our children more like, "I remember that my mom and I... _always have had a very understanding relationship_. I have learned so much from her like..." When we say we don't want to hit, the words "we" "want" "to" "hit" are still _in_ there, you know? Like "I don't want to be fat" has the words "I" "want" "fat"... We should (must?) begin to know we _are_ evolving into what we _want_ to be. Know it and say it aloud.

I will wake up and be peaceful. Thank you for this thread... I am so grateful I found you guys...


----------



## JennieYoung44

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
in the bathroom in looking in the mirror saying, "this isn't crazy? They are crazy! They are trying to make me crazy...why must they scream!!"

So I went crazy in the bathroom but I didn't yell.



















I cannot tell you how much time I have spent in the bathroom having this exact conversation with myself.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama*
Will the world come to it's end if I don't let this go?

I really like this one. Especially important with a 2/3 year old... and especially difficult. Just this morning Cedar ran into the room with a thing of toothpaste, threatening to squirt it on "my head." So, I'm calmly asking him not to, pleading, saying, "that's for teeth..." It ends up on the floor. Of course, this isn't the end of the world. So why, in the moment, does it feel like it is? Sigh, and clean it up.

Prenna? What does LoA stand for? I really agree with that idea, of focussing on positives rather than negatives.


----------



## AmyRoo

I am VERY in, Lindsay. Being sleep-deprived and frustrated with life in general makes it hard, but there is no reason my babes should have to suffer for that. I am totally making a conscious effort towards this.


----------



## Fanny1460

I must remember it too.


----------



## Ks Mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
Ok what are you doing to stay in the moment and not yell?

If I feel myself getting rage-filled, and feeling like yelling, I may yell, "I AM GETTING REALLY ANGRY, I NEED A BREAK!" (and I've been able to get myself not to even yell that, but to make a concerted effort to say that REALLY QUIETLY, then I close the gate, not the door - because that doesn't make anyone happy, and take a 30 second break away. Not sure that's good, but its certainly better. Then, I take some deep breaths, sometimes I call DH, I remind myself my child is 3 and I am 30-something







, and that I can control myself when she can't. When I'm cooler, I then force myself to make a (as DH puts it) "reconciliatory gesture". Regardless of the situation. A HUG almost ALWAYS fixes things. An apology, or an offering of favorite activity or snack, or can I hold you, or whatever. Something. It helps us both.


----------



## PrennaMama

LoA= Law of Attraction... Google it... I'll explain later, my mom is here, and she's undoing some positive parenting, I gotta go! Lol!

Seriously....


----------



## singlemomof4

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jannah5* 





















. It's been years since I have taken DC grocery shopping with me, but then again I'm not a single Mamma. I won't even take oldest well-behaved 10 yr old DS and well-behaved 5 yr old DS food shopping, it's natural for all LO to want, want,want. Forget about taking my 2DD, they are SOOOOO NOT well-behaved, under any circumstances.

Do you have friends or family that can at least watch the oldest DCwhile you food shop?

I don't have anyone at all really willing to take on my children for shopping or otherwise. Four is a big number lol
I do however normally go shopping with just DD on days when DS's are all in school and pre-school. Unfortunately this doesn't always work out (money coming in and super need for food on days when all DC are home


----------



## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyRoo* 
I am VERY in, Lindsay. Being sleep-deprived and frustrated with life in general makes it hard, but there is no reason my babes should have to suffer for that. I am totally making a conscious effort towards this.

Amy!







I'm so glad to see you over here! And glad you joined this thread.


----------



## faerierose

Can I join you?


----------



## Ish'smom

I'm in.
My DS is only 14 months and I am already having trouble with yelling and overly forceful removal . I have been trying very hard but sometimes I just lose it. In those instances I feel like I am being just like my Dad was when he was angry. ie yelling and scary , mean looks.

I will be peaceful cal and loving with my little boyy.


----------



## becoming

I am having such a rough time this evening...

The baby is fussy and the big kids are fighting, and I just want onesingleminute to do something *I* want to do.

Joy, the baby just woke from a lovely 10-minute nap.


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 









I cannot tell you how much time I have spent in the bathroom having this exact conversation with myself.

Ditto... I have a bathroom break once or twice a month, it seems (right around when the PMDD is hitting me big) and I have these conversations with myself too... and sometimes dd through the door.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
Prenna? What does LoA stand for? I really agree with that idea, of focussing on positives rather than negatives.









The Law of Attraction is based on the principle that the universe likes balance. Whatever frequencies you vibrate _out_ will return to you. Fans of the very popular book/movie *The Secret* are utilizing this ancient principle to create more abundance in their lives, and it works. It takes some getting used to, but the main idea is that what you can hold in your mind, you can hold in your hand, or your life. If you think about what you _actually_ want things to look like, it will begin to come to fruition. Avoid thoughts that play up your mistakes or bad days... refer to those moments more like: "I _used_ to have a real problem with yelling and threatening, etc, but _NOW_ I'm committed to being a calm and peaceful person, and it's getting better everyday."

Again, it can feel like a con at 1st, but soon enough it becomes true...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ish'smom* 
I'm in.
My DS is only 14 months and I am already having trouble with yelling and overly forceful removal . I have been trying very hard but sometimes I just lose it. In those instances I feel like I am being just like my Dad was when he was angry. ie yelling and scary , mean looks.

I will be peaceful cal and loving with my little boyy.

Even just typing it out helps a bit, yeah? Seriously! We all have it in us to be peaceful calm and loving! It's gonna take some work, and some re-thinking...

Some of us were not gently parented, and the knee-jerk response is often based on what we know on a cellular, experienced-based level.

My mom used to pull my hair and shake me and scream right in my face, then toss me outside and lock the door...

And there have been horrible moments where the 1st instinct was to react similarly with dd; where in that snap-moment of "What do I do?" there was my mom, in my mind, looming over me, clutching my wrists and scraming... and then, there I was... screaming, holding dd's arms.

In order to brush up on how one goes to school, when I went back, I took this course called "Study Skills." In the course of a few months we studied a variety of learning styles. And we discussed how the brain learns and stores learned information. Whatever we learn creates a neural trace, like a path through grass. If no one uses the path, the grass comes back and eventually it's like there was never a path there.

Adult children of abusive homes have little paved roads of abuse running through our parenting skills-wiring. My idea is this: I want to create so many positive experiences, to absorb through books, threads like this, conferences on parenting, classes, friendships with other like-minded-moms, that my _positive_ view of parenting dd becomes like a highway... out-moding the knee-jerk responses created by how _I_ were parented.

So please excuse me for being so totally long-winded and slightly hijacking the thread. I learned in the "Study Skills" class that my learning language is reciting/teaching. That's how I learn best... That combined with my passion for child-psychology, the deep desire to out-mode what I 'learned' from Mom, and this thread being so wonderfully timed, have all driven me to ramp up my efforts and research more, and such...

Thank you for the opportunity to share and learn with you guys.


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I am having such a rough time this evening...

The baby is fussy and the big kids are fighting, and I just want onesingleminute to do something *I* want to do.

Joy, the baby just woke from a lovely 10-minute nap.

How do you enlist the bigger kids to help when it's like this? How does dh react?

A couple of the phrases I have been using with some success:
"Would you consider...?"
"I have a problem with..."
"I'm not ok with..."
"I see..." or "It seems to me..."

So like with the big kids, it might look something like "Would you guys consider giving each other some space and playing separately for awhile? It seems to me that you're having a hard time working things out constructively... I have a problem with all the fighting. I'm not ok with all the fighting... it would be really helpful to me if you guys would manage your conflict by giving eachother some space..."


----------



## columbusmomma

i'd like to join too! Need the support! i've woken up the past 3 days or so and tell myself, today will be good! I'm trying to focus more on the important issues and let the little things slide! Times can be hard....I have Ds, age 5 and Dd 8 months! Hi everyone!


----------



## hipumpkins

Becoming,
this thread for some keep me accountable. Isn't that weird? I want to thank you for starting it.

Last night I did not yell when driving home from Easter at the IL's m,y DS emptied an entire bottle of water onto DD ON PURPOSE.
He was exhausted and hopped on too much candy as was she. The ride home was nightmare...screaming fighting kids. DS was mad that he was wet (natural consequence anyone?) and *I* held it together.
I didn't ignore them but I stayed calm.

My problem is not that I just need stop yelling..I need to stop WANTING to yell and hit (I don't hit them but I sometimes want to)


----------



## titania8

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
And we discussed how the brain learns and stores learned information. *Whatever we learn creates a neural trace, like a path through grass*. If no one uses the path, the grass comes back and eventually it's like there was never a path there.

Adult children of abusive homes have little paved roads of abuse running through our parenting skills-wiring. My idea is this: I want to create so many positive experiences, to absorb through books, threads like this, conferences on parenting, classes, friendships with other like-minded-moms, that my _positive_ view of parenting dd becomes like a highway... out-moding the knee-jerk responses created by how _I_ were parented.

this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.

but at least i am working on it, right?


----------



## aschmied

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.









:

I also got a reminder today about what I know, but forget sometimes. It's all feedback. If I'm irritable, not only does DD irritate me more, but she really does do more irritating things.
When I can somehow find it in me to let go, she goes back to normal for a while.
For example, DD insisted on playing with my car cell phone recharger. I didn't really want her to, because she likes stretching it WAY out, and chewing on it. We started arguing about it, with her provoking me, when I caught myself, thought about it, (the "does this really matter?" one!) and said "You know love, this is silly. Please do not put it in your mouth, or stretch it too far, and give it back to me when you are done."

2 minutes later, she gave it back to me, after playing with it very nicely.

Now if I can always bring myself back that well....


----------



## aileen

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
I think you are brave to post this and inspiring to want to change your behaviors.
Practice silence.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
I am creating her recollections. What do I want that to look like?

what an amazing thread. thank you, becoming, for starting it.








thank you so much.

when i start to feel rage i do this "thing" from a yoga workshop i took. i kept finding myself stamping my feet and slapping the wall (ouch!) and i didn't want to model that anymore but i also felt like i needed some sort of "release", at least until i can stop the rage from swelling in the first place, like hipumpkins was talking about. so i breathe out, kind of forcefully, and then i clench my hands (HARD) and then stretch them open as wide as i can, over and over in rapid succession and then, stay with me, here, i'm getting pretty woo-woo, after about ten seconds of doing the open-and-close-hand thing i stop, hold my hands at waist level like they are wrapped around a small beach ball - fingertips just a few inches away from each other. you can really feel the energy between your hands. no for real. then i try to release it. imagine it glass and let it smash to the floor; let it float away; literally take it to the door and lock it out. out.
so that's my woo-woo thing i do and i'm only telling you all because if there is a teeny tiny chance that someone else could read it and feel like i do after reading your thoughts then it's worth typing it out.
"i'm a new mama today."
i thought this thread would be a happy story about a birth.
i'm so thankful i stumbled upon it.
it is.
it is a happy story about a birth. mamas giving birth to the best and brightest versions of themselves. how inspiring. for real.

i feel so hopeful right now.


----------



## CharlieBrown

I'm in as it has been a BAD day.


----------



## SoCaliMommy

I'm in. I'm trying to get away from spanking my 4yr, and stop yelling.

We do timeout but sometimes even that doesn't work she just screams like she's being attacked when she is just asked to please stay in the timeout chair and be quiet and she would get out of timeout faster but she just screams.

So far this morning has been good. Should be interesting when my mom comes over with my 3yr old brother and almost 2yr old sister.


----------



## becoming

Aileen, I'm going to try your method of breaking the rage like glass today. I'm so glad you (and others) are finding this thread helpful.

I thought of something else that I learned from another mama a while back and had forgotten. She was giving me a Mary Kay makeover, and while we were playing pretty face, her 2-year-old tore into all her products and broke a couple of tubes of her lipstick. She took one look at the mess, and I braced myself to hear her scream at him. Instead, she very calmly got down eye-level with him and went, "Grrrr, Joshua" in a very playful way. I thought that was a great way to blow off steam and let the child know she was upset without crushing his little soul by screaming at him.


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
this is what i think about after i have lost my temper and created yet another negative memory/experience for my boys. that i am making it that much harder for them to be peaceful adults and parents.

but at least i am working on it, right?

Exactly... you're working on it. And you can take it one step further:
"I _had_ a real problem, creating negative memories, but _NOW_ we have begun strengthening the positive ones... Now I am re-paving the pathways..."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
<snip>
so that's my woo-woo thing i do and i'm only telling you all because if there is a teeny tiny chance that someone else could read it and feel like i do after reading your thoughts then it's worth typing it out.
"i'm a new mama today."
i thought this thread would be a happy story about a birth.
i'm so thankful i stumbled upon it.
it is.
it is a happy story about a birth. mamas giving birth to the best and brightest versions of themselves. how inspiring. for real.

i feel so hopeful right now.

I LOVE this!! As a meditation instructor, I often advise folks with anxiety to "blow it up"... literally, envision your stress (or rage in our cases) as a balloon and blow it up HUGE, breathing all the while like you're blowing up a ballon, then give it a

*pop!*

Thanks for the reminder... I'll use your idea, for sure, and remember the balloon, now, too. I got a lump in my throat when I read your post. Becaue that's how I felt when I stumbled across *becoming*'s thread for accountability. My own yelling and freak-outs have been reduced dramatically since finding this little oasis of support and accountability.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Aileen, I'm going to try your method of breaking the rage like glass today. I'm so glad you (and others) are finding this thread helpful.

I thought of something else that I learned from another mama a while back and had forgotten. She was giving me a Mary Kay makeover, and while we were playing pretty face, her 2-year-old tore into all her products and broke a couple of tubes of her lipstick. She took one look at the mess, and I braced myself to hear her scream at him. Instead, she very calmly got down eye-level with him and went, "Grrrr, Joshua" in a very playful way. I thought that was a great way to blow off steam and let the child know she was upset without crushing his little soul by screaming at him.

I love this one too.

I will try it.

*becoming* you rock.


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## Uxor

Well I had a good day today with my ds1. I had a rough time over the weekend with him though. Gonna have to try that balloon thing. I think we tend to feed negativity off of one another. Cause I've noticed that when I feel good, we both feel good. I love this thread.


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## PrennaMama

I am ready to eliminate the ultimatums and threats...

I find I say "If you do xyz, then abc will happen" sometimes it's bribery, sometimes it's warnings, or threats... like when dd can't seem to keep her body in her chair between bites of food, and seems to need to run a freakin lap after each bite at dinner. It grinds me, and I am trying to let it go somewhat, but she pushes really hard when guests are over... I guess trying to see if I will be on _my_ best behavior. A common response is to say "If you're done, please clear your plate (tae it over). If you're not done, please sit and eat til you are finished eating, and _then_ you may get down and take your plate over"... this deteriorates into: "I'm going to count to 3. If you don't come back to your place, I will take it that you're all done, and take your plate." She usually mean mugs me, and says, "NO! I am _not_ done, you may _not_ take my plate!" To which I say, "Well if you get down, it looks like you're telling me you're done... if you;re not, then come back, please."

Ideas for eliminating "If" conditions? Or at least ideas on getting dd to stay for dinner??


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## becoming

PrennaMama, I don't like the "if" stuff, either, and I do it SO much. It feels like threatening to me, even if the conditions make sense. I would love to hear some thoughts about how to move away from the If's.


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## happyhippiemama

I'm just subbing to come back to later. I'm 27w pg and have been less-than-patient with 4.5yo DD lately. Sigh.


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## natureskiss

This is exactly what I was needing. A place to vent and hold myself accountable. All three are issues for me too. I am glad to know I am not crazy and alone in this matter. God luck girls!!


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## titania8

prenna, i don't know if you will find this suggestion useful to your dinner challenge, but what i sometimes find helpful is to say "i will know you are ready to ____ when ______. " i guess you could say i will know you are ready to eat with us when you are sitting down. i will know you are all done when you get up.







might be worth a shot.

or you could get a booster with straps.







: seriously though, i don't strap my kids in, but they do use booster seats and it does help them stay in their seat, since it is more work to get out of. its also harder for them to fall out of when they are goofing off or not paying attn.

so i have to share my semi-success today. several times today (as everyday) there was lots of crying and whining and fit throwing. but i resisted my urge to scream and yell. and yes, i admit, at the end of the day when we were in the midst of our nightly bedtime "episode" i started to get worked up and thought of this thread. so thanks ladies, for being here for me and my littles.


----------



## becoming

Congrats, Helen!









This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this.







)

I have to share my own mini-success story tonight. We went out to eat dinner with my mom this evening in a nice sit-down restaurant, and my kids, of course, being three young children, were being much louder and moving around much more than I would have liked for them to. Instead of getting mad and being cross with them, I kept saying, "Calgon, take me away!" and everyone was laughing, including my mom & me. I successfully turned a behavioral disaster into a fun, silly time for all of us, even the adults!

I am really thinking that "playful parenting" is going to be my key to success. Playing and being silly seems to be the best way for me to diffuse a tough situation. I've always used this method during arguments between my husband and myself, so I don't know why I didn't think of it before to use with the kids. Anyone do "playful parenting?" I have the book but haven't read it yet.

Oh, and this is more related to co-sleeping/nighttime parenting, but my DD (age 2.5) is sleeping in her own room tonight for the first time, which is nothing short of miraculous. I merely suggested that she start sleeping in her own bed in her own room tonight, and she agreed! She read books in there for about 30 minutes, then fell asleep. I am amazed. It can't be this easy. Oh, but I hope it is.

Of course, it's 10:33 PM and I'm still not asleep because I can't imagine going in there and sleeping without my baby girl in bed with me!







:


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## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
prenna, i don't know if you will find this suggestion useful to your dinner challenge, but what i sometimes find helpful is to say "i will know you are ready to ____ when ______. " i guess you could say i will know you are ready to eat with us when you are sitting down. i will know you are all done when you get up.







might be worth a shot.

I like it... should I remove the plate, or is that coercive? Meaning, like, when she gets down and takes off on a lap around the table (this is tough because she often claims she's getting down to come give us hugs and kisses...







) pick up the plate, and say "I will know that you're ready to join us for dinner when you sit at your place.".....?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
or you could get a booster with straps.







: seriously though, i don't strap my kids in, but they do use booster seats and it does help them stay in their seat, since it is more work to get out of. its also harder for them to fall out of when they are goofing off or not paying attn.

She's been out of high-chair and booster for about a year. She was quite offended when I offered her a booster, last time... she does _really_ well in a chair (when she stays) and loves that she no longer has special implements just for her... she likes to get a big porcelein plate like mom and dad, a glass of water with ice, big fork, etc...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
so i have to share my semi-success today. several times today (as everyday) there was lots of crying and whining and fit throwing. but i resisted my urge to scream and yell. and yes, i admit, at the end of the day when we were in the midst of our nightly bedtime "episode" i started to get worked up and thought of this thread. so thanks ladies, for being here for me and my littles.









Yay, girl!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Congrats, Helen!









This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this.







)

No way you're nuts, cuz then I'd be nuts. I seriously have this little colony of like-minded moms in my back pocket, and you're all rooting me on when I start to feel mean.

I have gone as far as to tell dd my oath... "I am working toward being a peaceful, calm, quiet mama with nothing but hugs, kisses, and support."

I used that tonight... she gets this (if she were a bleedin' woman, I'd use the term bit*hy) attitude with me, where she just _glares_ and _growls_ and _snarls_, and is all venomous and says things like: "Just *s t o p* *i t*, _Mom_. _Don't_ talk to me, _anymore!_"









I wanna snap and throttle her, Homer Simpson-style. So I said, "You know, dd, I told you I really am working hard on being a peaceful and loving mama who doesn't have to yell to talk to you. When you make mean faces and say hard words to me, I feel like yelling at you. Do you like it when mama yells at you?"

"_No..._" she sneered.

"I really just like being respectful and calm. You seem really angry. I'll be ready to talk with you when I have calmed down, or when you can talk to me nicely."

She quietly said, "ok..."

Shortly she was all over me with kisses and hugs and I love you's and the newest one, "You are a great mommy. You're the best!"

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
<snip>
I am really thinking that "playful parenting" is going to be my key to success. Playing and being silly seems to be the best way for me to diffuse a tough situation. I've always used this method during arguments between my husband and myself, so I don't know why I didn't think of it before to use with the kids. Anyone do "playful parenting?" I have the book but haven't read it yet.

Who is that by, do you have a link? I have heard the title before, and it sounds right up our alley. The playful side really does work, it's just hard for me to remember it in the moment... but you're right... it works with dh too, so why not with dd?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Oh, and this is more related to co-sleeping/nighttime parenting, but my DD (age 2.5) is sleeping in her own room tonight for the first time, which is nothing short of miraculous. I merely suggested that she start sleeping in her own bed in her own room tonight, and she agreed! She read books in there for about 30 minutes, then fell asleep. I am amazed. It can't be this easy. Oh, but I hope it is.

Of course, it's 10:33 PM and I'm still not asleep because I can't imagine going in there and sleeping without my baby girl in bed with me!







:

If she's anything like my dd, she will enjoy it, but will come back to your bed for fabulous early-early morning snuggles and mini-co-sleeping sessions.

Dd's been in her own bed for about a year, now, but _always_ shows up about 3:30-4:30 for some num and sleeps with us til morning light.










Nice thing dh loves it, too, and oft jokes "Think she'll still come snuggle with you when she's in her 40's?"


----------



## becoming

She stayed in her bed until 6:15 this morning!!! I can't believe it.









Prenna, here's a link to the "Playful Parenting" book by Lawrence J. Cohen. I think I'm going to dig mine out tonight and start reading.


----------



## hipumpkins

I thought I posted this last night but I guess it didn't go through. (hopefully I didn't reply in the wrong thread..I've done that before)

Does anyone else sing things like this:

"Mama said there'll be days like this"
"Cry" By Janis Joplin...I love to belt out the Come and Cry cry baby part.
and "Jesus loves the little children" I was singing that once in the car and my sister asked, "does that calm them down" I said "no it reminds me to calm down"








So what are your songs?


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## PlayaMama

i'm in!!!

i'm home on maternity leave and have been home with ds and new babe. nap time is making me crazy!! i think our ds might be ready to stop them but then he gets just crazy by like 6 if he skips his nap. anyway, i grabbed him and put him in his bed yesterday two or three times after finally getting dd to sleep.

and he started to claw at me and pinch, like he was trying to hurt me, because i was hurting him







of course, he was laughing and giggling because he was so tired but still, that's not a "fun" game and it's just not cool.

so, i finally just started counting in a quiet calm voice to myself and by the time i was at 130 he was asleep.









i want to say thanks for all the great ideas. i actually printed stuff out from this thread to hang on the fridge and show my mate! i'm ordering books from the library and i'm going to do it differently. i love the, "i used to have a problem with..... but now i'm" idea, it makes a huge difference in how i view the issue.


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## Cujobunny

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
This thread has been helping me keep my cool so much. I've actually started pretending that you ladies are here with me, watching how I'm handling things, and it works! (Hope no one thinks I'm nuts for doing this.







)


i dont think you're nuts in fact 2 of the coping strategies that i took from Adventures in Gentle Discipline were 1. pretend there are other people around and 2. pretend it's someone else's kid









This thread is helping me immensely. My yelling has almost stopped. Even the past few days I have felt my voice raising and saying "HEY!" I catch myself before it escalates, remembering, Yelling will make it worse. My new mantra









I have the same mealtime issue too, my ds takes forever to eat. I usually say something when he starts getting down like are you done? Please take your plate to the kitchen. I have just started to leave the table when I'm done, go start the dishes, play with dd, but still talking to him if he's there eating. Today he got down and I just took his plate to the kitchen. A few minutes later he noticed and said I'm not done eating yet. I innocently said, oh I thought you were done because you were down playing. I gave it back to him and he stayed at the table til he was done.

Alternately I have just left his plate and let him go back to it. After a while of sitting untouched I'll take it away. I'll clean up what I can and go back to clean his place when he's done. I don't really want him to rush through his meal and I hate making an issue of it. I don't know why it's so irritating that he's so wiggly during mealtimes (he's wiggly all the time, really) and I know it's an unreasonable expectation for him to sit still and eat for 20 mins or whatever. Getting upset about it gives me indigestion and makes mealtime miserable for everyone.

Just to say I have no intention of making him eat everything on his plate. If he's full, or done or whatever, that's fine. He eats as much or as little as he wants.

I also have Playful Parenting and have yet to read it. It's next on the list. I also found a copy of How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk at my thrift store









I do find though that making things playful helps SO MUCH. Racing, making cleaning up a game (he tidied up the cars, I did the trains, I won hehehe) or trying to avoid power struggles is my main strategy. I gave my best friend that one, she was having a huge problem getting her ds to put his coat on when they were leaving the swimming pool. I told her next time, say to him, You don't want to put on your coat? OK, you can go outside with no coat. He might do it, but only once.














:


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## Mom2lilpeeps

I am loving this thread! We have had a really good week. The silence technique is really working for me as well as just breaking the tension with some silliness. I have put myself into "time out" for a few minutes here and there. In the evening "the witching hours" (before/between dinner and bedtime) when things can easily get out of hand I have just started routinely turning on music and taking a few minutes to dance with them and we "shake the grumpies out" (or whatever emotion).
Then while they do silly dances and antics I am able to cook dinner etc. So far so good. I feel like I have been the mamma they need and the mamma I want to be this week. It's so nice to be able to come here and find support and reminders that are helping me parent in a better way.


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## miniyogini

Everyday, I hope to be a better mom when my challenging 3 year old comes home from pre-school cranky, tired and irritable...I have two older sons but feel disconnected from nourishing parenting methods and longing to reconnect to my GD roots for my DD and in preparation for the up and coming baby...Best of luck to everyone...Angela


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## JennieYoung44

I am noticing a lot of posts which state things like:
this thread is helping me so much, you are all in my back pocket...

I want to say about that: It helps so much just to admit that you aren't the best mama in the world but that you want to be.

Doesn't it?

This is why I think it is so important to do something concrete if you really want to stop for good. I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it. And then, you can't remember how to parent without it.

So, you have to tell someone. You have to admit your big scary secret. When you do, you find that a lot of moms hold the same feelings inside. It is easier to parent with a witness, imo. How interesting that we can be virtual witnesses for each other.

Sometimes when things have hit the wall (oh, say there is honey on the floor and water from the dog dish has been used to wash a stuffed cat and someone just cut the phonebook into 50 billion pieces...), I think to myself:
"no one would handle this. This is unacceptable. They deserve punishment for this mess." So, I might call someone or if my dh is home, tell him. Just saying it helps me see the humor of it, then it is harder to yell or be mad.

For what its worth, I used to yell probably 25 times a day, even at the dog, or at myself. My language was atrocious. I would just get so mad and it would fill me up. I can not say I never lose my temper anymore, but I honestly do not do it more than once or twice a month (I bet you can guess what time of month that is...)

Only to say, it is a fight worth fighting. It really can be won.

*Hipumpkins*; Song I sing, from my time as a camp counsellor a long time ago. Did anyone sing this song?:

I'm going crazy, won't you come along, I'm going crazy, just singing this song. Oh, once I had a kitty cat and all he ate was yarn, and when those little kittens came, they came with mittens on ... I'm going crazy....

Also,

hit the road jack -- to get the boys moving.
don't cry for me argentina --- i don't know why, it just helps sometimes with the pity party of parenthood.


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## Surfacing

subbing


----------



## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
Did anyone sing this song?:

I'm going crazy, won't you come along, I'm going crazy, just singing this song. Oh, once I had a kitty cat and all he ate was yarn, and when those little kittens came, they came with mittens on ... I'm going crazy....

No, but I do sing (and I meant to post this yesterday but forgot):

*I am going slowly crazy
Crazy slowly going am I
*

Repeat over and over until you don't feel so crazy anymore.


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## riversong

I've read lots of books on gentle discipline, but reading alone really didn't change my behavior. I liked the ideas in the books, but found them so hard to put into practice when I was in a difficult moment with my dd. I kept falling back on threats, bribes and sometimes yelling. Now and then I would really go into a rage, especially if dd woke up her baby brother. I even smacked her leg a couple of times.

I found out about the consensual living Yahoo group from a mama's post on here. (Wuwei) It took me a while to finally join it, but it has been the absolute best thing for me. The mamas (and some dads) on there are so supportive and helpful. I'm really looking at life differently after reading the emails from that group on a daily basis. I actually feel like I'm becoming a different person. I'm much more relaxed and can let things go more easily. I have more ideas for how to solve problems, but more importantly, I've come to believe that there truly *is* a better way for me to parent-with no threats, guilt, blame or bribes. Everything doesn't have to be a fight where dd or I come out the winner. We can find solutions together.

The most amazing thing is that I see it changing my dd. Not just her behavior, but her whole being. She is more relaxed and has a glow that was getting masked by my bad moods. I was bringing her down and now she's rising back up. Even my relationship with dh has gotten happier.

All this may sound goofy, but I'm incredulous at how much better things are now that I've gained a new perspective on life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working on myself. I have a long way to go and I make mistakes (and always will.) It's still hard not to fall back on my old tactics.

CL may not be for everyone here, but keep your minds open. You really can change.


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## Danielle13

I'm a yeller...dd is only 6 months but I'd like to join for future times.


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## PlayaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it.

oh my gosh!!! everything you say seems to resonate with me (i printed out your previous post) but this is especially true for me.

i remember being shocked, absolutely SHOCKED, the first time i grabbed my ds by his arm. i was appalled at my behaviour. i cried and apologized.

the next time it wasn't quite so shocking and i wasn't quite so appalled. i still promised i wouldn't do it again.

i think in total i've grabbed him by his arm and yelled at him probably five times. and each time it's been less disturbing. so, i'm really glad this thread exists and that i'm not alone. i kinda feel like i'm in AA









i also agree that it really helps to pretend that you all are in my home, listening and watching, yesterday was great! and today has been awesome too.

thanks.


----------



## becoming

Just have to toot my own horn for a second.

I have my 6-year-old niece here tonight in addition to my own kids, and I have been totally easygoing and fun! I don't think I've even raised my voice once. I'm even letting them wait until tomorrow to clean up the absolutely *gigantic* disaster zone that is my house right now.


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## aschmied

Subbing


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## lisa78

i need you ladies, so do my kids, 4 and 2yo ds's, 6mo dd.
i was so dissapointed in myself as a mom for so long, but i am getting better.

i find being playful is the best way for us all to have a good day. my kids mirror everything i do especially my emotions.

i hate the wining from my 2yo, especially around bedtime routine, tonight i felt like a good mommy when i found a way to brush his teeth without him screaming, i let him brush my teeth as i did his, he thought it was hilarious, and i got to do his molars

i have a long way to go, i yell, scowl, threaten, bribe, it's changing, thanks for this thread


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## hipumpkins

In the past week my kids have playing together like best friends. 2 peas in pod.
could this be the result of mommy calming down so the kids have calmed down?

We have had small non sharing incidents but they were over as quickly as they started with mommy remembering not to yell









Obviously I realize I have just jinxed myself









I also love the throwing the ball of anger away until smashes.


----------



## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
In the past week my kids have playing together like best friends. 2 peas in pod.
could this be the result of mommy calming down so the kids have calmed down?

Absolutely! I've noticed a big change for the better with my older two, as well.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I also love the throwing the ball of anger away until smashes.









Me, too! I wish I could hear the sounds of glass breaking, though.


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## Purple Sage

: subbing


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## chattymummy

ADDICTION - that rang so true for me. Things have been harder since baby 3 arrived. I used to find that if I was okay, we were all okay more or less. I'm finding it harder to make sure that I am okay and my sense of humour has gone on holiday for a while.
Things that are helpful for me:
early nights for a while (don't get to see DH much this way though)
going outside into the fresh air (generally all of us cause they all follow anyway don't they?)
having a cuddle with the most irritating of them


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## JennieYoung44

those are good suggestions. welcome to mdc chattymummy!


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## JennieYoung44

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PlayaMama* 
oh my gosh!!! everything you say seems to resonate with me (i printed out your previous post) but this is especially true for me.

that was a really nice thing to say. thank you.


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## titania8

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
I like it... should I remove the plate, or is that coercive? Meaning, like, when she gets down and takes off on a lap around the table (this is tough because she often claims she's getting down to come give us hugs and kisses...







) pick up the plate, and say "I will know that you're ready to join us for dinner when you sit at your place.".....?

i would take the plate (or rather, have) but if you are not comfortable doing that, then obviously don't. maybe before you all sit down remind her that you expect her to stay in her seat like the rest of the family. if she says she wants to give you kisses and hugs suggest she save them all up for after the meal?

so i have been having some good moments and some not so good moments. i have been extra irritable lately, and super super tired. i think i may be coming down with some bug, my kids have runny noses so i guess its coming. not that that's an excuse, but it makes it more challenging.

anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed. its a bit better now they have started taking naps again, but like tonight they just kept laughing and running out of the room. finally i just lost it and told them this is how its going to be and you can deal with it. dh and i carried them in the room, jonas fell apart (though interestingly micah was fine and cooperative) and i just got them dressed and ready. normally we do a chart--i have laminated a piece of paper with boxes for all of the things they need to do before going to sleep--potty, diaper, undershirt, jammies, sleep sack, read books, and get into bed. its like a sticker chart, but the "stickers" are laminated pictures of the things corresponding to the boxes that stick on with velcro. anyway making that has helped some too, but not always. dh and i just dread bedtime. there is always some sort of protest, whether its screaming, crying, running away or all of the above. guh. do other kids have such a problem going to bed? no, we don't cosleep--tried that and no one sleeps well that way. they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?


----------



## Surfacing

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed. [...] no, we don't cosleep--tried that and no one sleeps well that way. they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?

My older dd loves to run around and be chased by us as we are trying to get ready for bed. One things that seems to work these days is to tell her that she has five minutes to "get her yayas out" and let her hop around on the bed, chase her on the bed, tickle her, let her twirl, make choo choo noises while walking circles, etc. She gets to hoot, holler and laugh, but then has to settle down to put on PJ's etc. This seems to gain some co-operation from her.

The other thing I do is act like a broken record. She protests and tries to argue why it ISN'T time to go to the potty or brush teeth, etc. I don't get caught up in the protest, I just empathise that she doesn't want to but do it anyway. I also say, "We do this every night. You have to brush your teeth every night, etc." Eventually she calms down and cooperates. One of the most freeing things for us has been for me to remain calm while she protests, and then gently insist that she does it anyway, without getting angry.

Sometimes I have to ask her, "What should you be doing....?" and also "Are you going to do "x" yourself or do I have to help you?" That often gets her going by herself.

Just some ideas. I hope some are helpful to you.

I am planning to put my two dd's together in one room. How do your boys share theirs? Separate beds? What does the room look like? Perhaps you could PM so we don't take up the list being OT.







TIA


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## aprildawn

I need to join.

I just had a major meltdown because as I was downstairs trying to do some cleaning up my two were upstairs making a huge mess. They've been getting out all the toys lately at once resulting in at least an hour's worth of clean up time. It's such a mess they can't do it themselves, so I end up doing it. This takes away time I could be spending with them, etc. etc. The older one is complaining how come I never want to spend time with them because I'm always busy cleaning! Hmmmm. I'm cleaning up after YOU!! Stop making meses and we can spend time together instead of me cleaning up after you all the time!!

Anyway, I was so angry after a dozen times of this sort of mess that I lost it. I threw DD1 into her room (not very gently, either), and slammed the door. This made a decorative plate her great-grandmother (who died this past October) had given her fall off her wall and break. I can glue it, but it will always serve as a reminder of how I not only broke the plate but broke something in my DD. I feel awful. I'm ashamed. I feel like a horrible mother.

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. No matter how I try to arrange my day so I have more time for my girls something happens to steal that time away. I don't know what to do. Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.


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## Momtotwo2004

Joining in. I have to say, first off, that this thread has really been helpful to me in easing some guilt because I honestly do put the mom's here up on a pedestal. I do feel better knowing that even the best of moms have difficult times and need to work at it. Thank you so much for being open and honest and real.

Secondly, I will admit that one of the most helpful factors in my improvements lately as a mom has been taking the step to start an antidepressant. I have, over the years, gotten more and more lazy, angry, impatient, unkind, frustrated, and bored with my children. While I knew that I suffer from depression, I honestly believed that these things I listed were PERSONALITY traits and not aspects of my depression. I've tried everything from eating healthfully, excersizing, taking herbs, and counseling. My last resort was to take medication. I am really amazed at the difference in me. I am not who I thought I was. I AM a good mom. I DO enjoy my children. I CAN be patient, kind, loving, and fun. The difference in my children is also amazing. Not only is it easier for me to handle tantrums and the grumpies, but I notice they are happier. It breaks my heart to think how big of a role I played in our struggles.

Of course, I can always make improvements. But this was the hump that was preventing me. Most days, prior to this, I physically and emotionally could NOT turn things around and be more patient and fun. I just physically could not.

I'm loving all the advice, especially the mantras. Thanks again for sharing.


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## mumkenna&lucas

I haven't read all the posts yet, but count me in!! I will read through the previous pages later..
I am a mom of a 4 year old dd and 2 year old ds..Ds is very challenging for me!!


----------



## Uxor

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprildawn* 

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. No matter how I try to arrange my day so I have more time for my girls something happens to steal that time away. I don't know what to do. Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.

I know how you feel. Yesterday I got really angry with my ds1 for pushing ds2 over for the ninty millionith time. I tried asking him how he felt and to find ways ways to help him stop but kept the the word why when I was asking him yes or no questions. I lost it yelled really loudly at him and dragged him off to his room.Fortunatly I never spanked him, came to my senses and then apologized and started make amends. Its so hard not to regress into my dad at times. I just hope my son doesn't remember it the way I do.


----------



## becoming

Just checking in. We've all been sick (throwing up...ugh), but I've been pretty patient (amazingly).


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## hipumpkins

We're going on vacation tomorrow so I wont be online for a week. I'm spending the 2nd at my parents where I get some computer time So I'll check in then.
Good luck mamas!


----------



## riversong

Ugh. After a really good run of being joyful and patient, I just lost it for a few days. I've been feeling depressed and overworked. I've been snapping at the kids over things I was ok with a couple of weeks ago.

Today I was trying to get dinner on the table and both kids ready. I was in the bathroom helping dd to wash her hands, which annoyed me because it's something she really can do all by herself. While I was in there, ds threw all of his food on the floor. I picked up what he could still eat and put it back on his tray. He threw it off again and I just snapped. I took him out of the high chair and plopped him on the floor and angrily threw his food away and slammed the garbage can back under the sink. I banged some more stuff around the kitchen also. Poor ds just sat on the floor sobbing. Dd totally tried to lighten the mood and connect with me after that and I just felt like crying.

Later on I realized that ds has a fever. I feel so guilty. I apologized to both kids, but I still was hard on them today and the apology doesn't fix that. I'm so tired of eating three meals a day alone with kids. I'm so exhausted from trying to meet two little people's needs by myself for 11 hours a day. I need to find my focus and get it together.


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## JennieYoung44

Hi riversong,

I'm not sure why, but your post just reminded me so much of my life ...







:

I notice that all of our tempers get frayed when we are coming down with something. Kids are unreasonable, I am intolerant. I think it is really good that you can see that and admit it. I have the hardest time dealing kindly with my children at meal times. Once is okay, twice is pushing my limit, by dinner I just want everyone to smile and say thank you and eat what I've made! It is hard.


----------



## columbusmomma

It's so good to read this thread! I'm trying to take things each day, one at a time. Waking each morning and visualizing a non-yelling day, full of peace and happiness! One thing that is helping is getting down at Ds' eye level and telling him my feelings. He has lots of energy at times and can be very loud. Instead of just telling him over and over to keep his voice down so DD doesn't wake up from a nap, I now make sure we make eye contact when I ask him to be more quiet. It does seem to help, vs. just saying it without looking at him, while I go about with whatever I'm doing. I feel stressed when I see toys everywhere, dishes stacked up, piles of laundry, etc. I'm trying to not worry if those things are like that while the kids are awake. I"m trying to not be an "overachiever" of the household, and just enjoy the awake time with the children. I am trying more to let the little things go instead of letting them build up my stress level and then I snap! I am using deep breathing and "stepping" back when I can. When I let things go instead of trying to correct or change each little behavior, I am less likely to get angry, feel rage, or start yelling. I told DH that our house should be filled with laughter and love, not yelling. I had a happy childhood and want those feelings for my children when they are adults and think back to growing up. Some days are just so hard. I'm sleep deprived, working, low blood sugar. I feel the tension mounting and the rage growing. I am committed though, to trying to stay positive and NOT yell!


----------



## mumto2

I'm going to try to hurry the kids along less.

If we're late, we're late, it's not always the kids fault - and even if it is, being grumpy doesn't make the day any better for anyone. We have a new baby, people just need to be a bit more understanding of that.

So I'm not going to grump in the mornings anymore.


----------



## riversong

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
Hi riversong,

I'm not sure why, but your post just reminded me so much of my life ...







:

I notice that all of our tempers get frayed when we are coming down with something. Kids are unreasonable, I am intolerant. I think it is really good that you can see that and admit it. I have the hardest time dealing kindly with my children at meal times. Once is okay, twice is pushing my limit, by dinner I just want everyone to smile and say thank you and eat what I've made! It is hard.

Sickness is so hard. You're right. When they're sick the kids are clingy and whiny and we're all so tired. I try to be extra patient, but it's the hardest time for me to be that way because I'm running on empty.

And yeah, dinnertime is tough. Dh and I came up with a way for him to get home at dinnertime today. We're gonna try and stick with our plan for awhile. I was getting tired of sitting down to eat with one person who throws his food on the floor and another who says "I don't like this!" before she even tries it. I need someone at the table who appreciates my cooking!


----------



## aschmied

Yeah, dinner time can be hard, especially when you are on your own. DH travels a lot, and when he's gone, it can be brutal. For the first time ever, I felt like hitting DD. She's usually ever so considerate of DS, and I was going to go get something from her room, and she'd been wanting DS with her. So I set him down next to her, and as she was sort of squirming I said "be careful of T". So she goes to kick him. I was shocked, and my first reaction (tired, and v. grumpy myself) was to slap her away from DS. I didn't of course, just scooped up DS, and took myself away, but I was stunned. It did help me recenter to get the kids, screaming, both of them, to bed.


----------



## Uxor

Yeah my dh travels a lot too. He's a pilot, so I know where your coming from. Mealtimes are rough sometimes. I just went through 3 days with both kids sick and no help from dh. I somehow managed to keep my temper in check till this morning. Got pounced on by ds1.


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## AdInAZ

Subbing...

Logically, I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but this thread reminds me I'm not alone. Thanks everyone for sharing and supporting eachother. Count me in.

I would say that the past week has really been brutal on me and my dd. Even ds hasn't been sleeping well which I attribute to the stress in the house. Dd just likes to scream and yell for anything at anytime. I guess its her new way to get my attention when I'm with ds. And it *really* annoys me. I know she is needing more attention when she does this, but I swear that girl is going to make me lose my hearing she is soooo loud. It is a CONSTANT stream of loud loud loud verbal noise. It would be one thing if this was part of how she was playing, but she does it specifically to get attention. I just lose my temper and let her scream it out in her bedroom. Bleh...

Today though was a little better. Ds took a loooong 2 hour nap and I spent the entire time focusing on dd and really trying to fill up her love cup. I think it helped because I did not feel like losing it all day. Had a great day and dd even let me help her brush her teeth, another difficult task. Yay!


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## becoming

How's everyone doing? Sorry I've been MIA the past few days. Things haven't been going very smoothly for us, lots of sibling fighting and such. I did quit my job last week, though, so I am looking forward to seeing how staying home with the kids impacts our lives. Hopefully it will change things in a good way! My first day home is 4/17.


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## PrennaMama

Hi guys! Sorry I went AWOL... battling mycoplasma and I just started Spring Term in school again. Ugh...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chattymummy* 
ADDICTION - that rang so true for me. Things have been harder since baby 3 arrived. I used to find that if I was okay, we were all okay more or less. I'm finding it harder to make sure that I am okay and my sense of humour has gone on holiday for a while.
Things that are helpful for me:
early nights for a while (don't get to see DH much this way though)
going outside into the fresh air (generally all of us cause they all follow anyway don't they?)
having a cuddle with the most irritating of them

So... on the ADDICTION thing...

Anyone actually ever spend time 12-stepping, or in recovery for anything... or have family or friends that have? Don't answer if you don't wanna... the reason I bring it up is that I get the sneaking suspicion that we act as one another's sponsers on some level. And often, folks in recovery will skip meetings and lose touch with sponsers, etc, when they're going through a crisis, or fallin off the wagon, kwim?

So I totally fell off the wagon for a couple of days. And I knew the whole time... "I need to touch base with the Ladies... I need to get on the thread for a few minutes..." and I didn't, and things escalated. No hitting, but some pathetic threats and mean-mugging... some yelling... arm grabbing...







I got so down on myself... But here I am... and I feel inspired again already. I just gotta accept that we have a lot going on (I'm full-time 13 credits, 2 days aweek, 8 hrs/day... dd's in the very crunchy day-care at the school and I see her often throughout the day, but it's not the same; I am cleaning houses a couple days a week to make extra $$ and dh has been working more, but has her all to himself when I work... she still is with one of us the majority of the time, but with all the activity, it's still a big change...) and it's going to take time to hit a point of static routine again. Be easy on her, be easy on him, and FIRST be easy on me, so I can be easy on them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
i would take the plate (or rather, have) but if you are not comfortable doing that, then obviously don't. maybe before you all sit down remind her that you expect her to stay in her seat like the rest of the family. if she says she wants to give you kisses and hugs suggest she save them all up for after the meal?

It's going pretty well taking the plate.. another stroke of creativity was to remove the _chair_... not punitively, but as an observation that she simply likes to stand... she stayed at the table the whole time, standing and eating and making conversation... the next day and that next night, she elected to keep the chair, and stayed at the table knowing she had the choice to stand if she prefers.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *titania8* 
anyone care to share their thoughts on our bedtime problems? my boys HATE going up to their room to bed. and then there is the challenge of keeping them in the room while we try and get them ready for bed.<snip>
they share a room. how can we make it something they like to do?

I have had to work really hard on this one, and dh is actually the softer touch with it...

A Bed-Time Book you put together _with_ the kids, made up of pictures of all the activities/tasks involved in getting ready for bed is a suggestion in the no-cry sleep-solution... Pics of the boys brushing teeth and putting on jammies, saying prayers, whatever... pics from mags of the activities, etc... you could do a whole 2-3 days on this project with their help to construct the photo-images: "Ok, show me some really good bubbly-tooth-brushin smiles for the Bed-Time Book... that's it! More bubbles!" or "Ok, we need a picture of jammies off and jammies on... who wants to be the off-picture and who the on-picture, first? We need pics of both of you for the book..." Then at bed-time they get to look at the book to tell _you_ the order of action... what comes next? Teeth or jammies? Maybe you could make a game out of it, using the chart-board... the boy that completes the correct task in the correct order first gets the pick of stickers, first, etc. You could use a timer and see if each night they can 'beat their own times', illustrate that working as a team on some things might make them happen faster... "Who is going to get the jammies ready so you guys can just jump into them?" Make lists together, or assign, together, who gets what jobs on the bed-time team each week... like at dinner on Monday, you have a note-paper and say "Ok, we need to select the Jammie grabber for the week? Which one of you wants to be the Diaper Prepper?"

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprildawn* 
I just had a major meltdown because as I was downstairs trying to do some cleaning up my two were upstairs making a huge mess.<snip>

I'm always busy cleaning! <snip>

I notice I lose it when I feel helpless. <snip>

Eventually I lose my temper, yell, and feel awful.

Have you thought of enlisting their help? Get them each to carry soft cloths around, spray the stuff they can reach like cupboard fronts and TV, etc on your way by, and let them trail you being in charge of wiping those things. (You may have to do a swipe after...) If you're separated by cleaning, use it as a way to be together... if you're always too busy cleaning to be with them, then be busy cleaning together, so you'll have more time to play afterward, together... if that helpless feeling robs you of your reason, then get their help "Guys? I wish I could go really fast when I clean... maybe it would be faster if we do it together. What do you think? Wanna listen to some tunes and get a cleaning-parade going? I bet we could finish much faster if you help me... then we can all go outside!"... cleaning together is a great way to model responsibility. Dd (also 3) LOVES to help, and is quite offended if I don't enlist her aid... it might take less time, maybe more, some days... but it's way more enjoyable for me, and for her.

If you keep telling yourself that you will eventually lose your temper and yell, guess what? You will eventually lose your temper and yell.

_*BELIEVE*_ you are in the beginning-steps of altering that _previous_ behavior... that is what _used to happen... but NOW, I am much more capable of staying calm_... kwim?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
How's everyone doing? Sorry I've been MIA the past few days. Things haven't been going very smoothly for us, lots of sibling fighting and such. I did quit my job last week, though, so I am looking forward to seeing how staying home with the kids impacts our lives. Hopefully it will change things in a good way! My first day home is 4/17.









Remember that transitioning into your new role and new routine will take all of you time to adjust.

I have been a SAHM for all of dd's life, going to school at night when dh was home with her for a year, last year. Dh has had some challenges and needs some backup in the $ dept so I am cleaning houses for a couple friends. She is with dh when I work, with me when he works, and in a daycare that is SUPER constructivist and crunchy (I see her all day throughout the day... she loves it!) while I'm in class. This is a major change for us, and I forget sometimes that dd is only 3. I'm working on honoring the sweet little one in her that is trying to be so big... I'm getting better at keeping my expectations realistic.

Welcome Home, *becoming*... good luck and best wishes! We're here for you!

And thanks, guys, for being here for me.


----------



## aprildawn

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
Have you thought of enlisting their help?

If you keep telling yourself that you will eventually lose your temper and yell, guess what? You will eventually lose your temper and yell.

_*BELIEVE*_ you are in the beginning-steps of altering that _previous_ behavior... that is what _used to happen... but NOW, I am much more capable of staying calm_... kwim?

As for the cleaning, yeah, I've enlisted their help. They either lose interest or help too much resulting in me having extra work to do. For instance, while I'm loading the dishwasher, my oldest will try to mop leaving behind pools of water all over the floor. She wants to clean what she wants to clean, not necessarily do the jobs I'm asking her to do. Then it becomes a discipline issue of her listening to me and doing what I ask her to do, or not doing what I'm asking her to not do.

You're right about believing a new behavior and pattern instead of playing the old records! I'm better at that on some days than others.


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## timneh_mom

Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human.







That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.

Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.

People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.

DH has a good job but I'm with the kids at least 11 hours per day. DS pushes DH's buttons SO bad. I always thought we were pretty mellow people until DS started into the "awful 3's".

Breaks for me are bandaids at best. It feels good at the time and I feel better for the rest of the day, but after a couple of days it feels like I never had one at all. Same with sleep.

Thank GOD it's nice out finally and we can all go outside. Winter was entirely too long this year and we were sick for pretty much all of it.

Anyway I really need to be here, I yell, have slapped, I grab. I don't want to do these things. I feel both entitled to do them, yet terrible at the same time and I know it's not right. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to admit this.) I just feel like I am one incident away from a complete meltdown. What do you give when you have nothing to give? I still haven't found the answer. If they would just sleep. But they won't.

I've just got to make this better, I have to. I can't let my kids grow up with an angry mother like I did. She is still such a bitter woman to this day. I am almost 39 years old and have't gotten over this. It's a part of who I am now. But I have to make things better for my kids even if I check in and post here EVERY DAY or more if I need to.

I can definitely see the connection between this and AA. Sometimes while in recovery you need a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day. But I can't keep going like this. Someone please help me?







:


----------



## tatermom

I'd like to join, too. I haven't quite read the whole thread, but the addiction thing really rang true to me. Yesterday was a really bad day.







I have never ever hit my kids and I try very hard to practice gentle discipline, but every once in a while I just lose it and get SO mad and have trouble with my hands being too rough with the kids.







: Like, I'll grab DS1 and plant him hard in a chair, or drag him into another room to "take a break" (not a time out (I stay with him) but still something he's unwilling to do), and yesterday I pushed him away from his brother because I was so angry, and he fell down and sort of cried a little, and it was like I saw myself from above and realized how I was terrorizing him, how I was like this giant bully pushing him around just because I was bigger than he was (unfortunately this was not at all the first time, but it was the worst







). I felt so so awful about it, I held him and promised him I would never never do that again.





















And the reason why I was so angry? Ironically, because he was pushing his brother.







What on earth am I teaching him?

Anyhow, we had a family talk about how we are getting into bad habits of talking rudely and/or yelling at each other a lot, and how we each need to find ways of letting out our anger so that no one hurts anyone else. I'm trying so hard to commit to not yelling, not being rude (like saying "Cut it out, DS!" --and DS is rude right back to me so it's obvious that that approach does not work at all!), not grumbling at him when he makes a mess, etc.

So, today is a new day for me, too.


----------



## bellacymom

Ok I didn't read all the post but I will. All I can say is AMEN about the three year old thing.







And thank you for making this thread! Bella will be three in two weeks and man is she changing for the worse with the tantrum and not listening and oh the messes! I am trying not to yell, spank or be grabby but man somedays I feel like my teeth are going to crack by the end of the day from grinding them in frustration. I also have a 9 month old that refuses to sleep. I put her to bed at about 8:00 and she is up by 11:00 crying wanting to be nursed and if it is a good night she will be up two more times during the night and a bad one maybe four in a real bad night she will wake up and not want to go back to sleep for a few hours. It is REALLY hard to not sleep much and then have a 3 year old test in you in anyway they can. I am trying. Today hasn't been that great so far.


----------



## bellacymom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *timneh_mom* 
Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human.







That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.

Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.

People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.

DH has a good job but I'm with the kids at least 11 hours per day. DS pushes DH's buttons SO bad. I always thought we were pretty mellow people until DS started into the "awful 3's".

Breaks for me are bandaids at best. It feels good at the time and I feel better for the rest of the day, but after a couple of days it feels like I never had one at all. Same with sleep.

Thank GOD it's nice out finally and we can all go outside. Winter was entirely too long this year and we were sick for pretty much all of it.

Anyway I really need to be here, I yell, have slapped, I grab. I don't want to do these things. I feel both entitled to do them, yet terrible at the same time and I know it's not right. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to admit this.) I just feel like I am one incident away from a complete meltdown. What do you give when you have nothing to give? I still haven't found the answer. If they would just sleep. But they won't.

I've just got to make this better, I have to. I can't let my kids grow up with an angry mother like I did. She is still such a bitter woman to this day. I am almost 39 years old and have't gotten over this. It's a part of who I am now. But I have to make things better for my kids even if I check in and post here EVERY DAY or more if I need to.

I can definitely see the connection between this and AA. Sometimes while in recovery you need a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day. But I can't keep going like this. Someone please help me?







:

I feel the same EXACT way. Word for word. Especially about the break thing. I say I need a break but when it is over everything starts all over again. I find myself chanting "This too shall pass" all day long.


----------



## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tatermom* 
I'd like to join, too. I haven't quite read the whole thread, but the addiction thing really rang true to me. Yesterday was a really bad day.







<snip>
...I saw myself from above and realized how I was terrorizing him, how I was like this giant bully pushing him around just because I was bigger than he was (unfortunately this was not at all the first time, but it was the worst







). I felt so so awful about it, I held him and promised him I would never never do that again.





















And the reason why I was so angry? Ironically, because he was pushing his brother.







What on earth am I teaching him?










You're teaching the virtue of accountability. Even Mama has a hard time keeping herself in control, but when we mess up, we get up, we brush ourselves off, and we go through the 3 parts of "Sorry".... We admit we made a mistake and apologize... We offer a concillatory gesture like a hug, a kiss, an offer to help clean up, etc... And we make a _PLAN_. A plan to prevent it from happening again.

You did all of that. I'd say you're teaching beautifully.

*timneh_mom*... I really feel you, too...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellacymom* 
(in response to *timneh_mom*'s post)
I feel the same EXACT way. Word for word. Especially about the break thing. I say I need a break but when it is over everything starts all over again. I find myself chanting "This too shall pass" all day long.

Bright blessings to you all for a fine day tomorrow!







:

Through a little creativity and open-mindedness, we are all able to paint ourselves into the peaceful mother we have resting inside of us like a pearl.

Keep coming back... keep open... be brave

We're all here for the same reasons.


----------



## PrennaMama

*timneh_mom*... I just had to write to you... I re-read your post again. You are brave for making yourself vulnerable like that... You know it really is like recovery, and admitting you need help is a big step.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *timneh_mom* 
Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human.







That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.

You are a freakin' CHAMP. Many moms would have given up on their older nursling by now, if not both of them.

Let's look at HALT. (we'll look at angry in a min...) What is your diet like, what is your kids' diet like? Are you lonely for time with your dh, or with other friends, or something else? What kind of time do you have to yourself or with friends? Would you consider making the time? Have you considered other ways to replenish your energy, like meditation or a mother's retreat day once a month? How is your cycle? Do you get more aggressive 10 days before, right before, during...?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *timneh_mom* 
Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.

We will carry the memories of how we were parented forever.. better or worse. It's our lot to contrive ways to _re-parent_ ourselves. Lets' look at angry for a minute, through different eyes....

What if in your moments of greatest lonliness, despair, anger, regret... you could look into the eyes of an Archetypal Mother...? the All-Mother... and this Great Mother laid your head in her lap, stroked your hair as you wept, and told you that it's alright to feel the way you feel. What if as you cried out your frustration at the injustices you suffered, she murmured soothing sounds of comfort, encouraging you to get it all out... rocking you?

Would your life be different?

What if someone told you that Mother IS you...? She is inside you, waiting to comfort that lonely, scared, angry girl you are inside... wanting to hold her and tell her it's ok to feel the way she feels... those feelings are authentic, and need a voice...

This is right out of a book I have read and re-read since I was 16... Circle of Stones: A Woman's Journey to Herself by Judith Duerk... It's a penny on amazon... I recommend this book to all women looking to evolve and own herself.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *timneh_mom* 
People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.

Actually, pre-school might just be a way to assist in healing the stress at home. A co-op or group play situation may provide a place of sanctuary for you AND your little ones... If you can find the right situation. We are at a co-op. Dd (3) goes 2 days a week, I am there with her 1 day a week parent helping... she gets so much out of their Reggio Emelia program (child-led, constructivist...). And the community of like-minded folks is amazing. We do workshops every month on different strategies, approaches, books, etc. I facilitated one on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish (link takes you to a review with a really great mind-map tool...) last month. It's really helpful to have some input and insight from others in my community. Plus dd has so many relationships, now... those relationships help her form her identity and strengthen her relationship with dh and me.

As for the rest, girl... the sleep, the hopelessness... it won't last forever. Try to find inspiration here among the other moms who are committing to be better and supporting each other. You will see changes, I promise. Take some advice, give some advice... you'll see a difference... little at first, but it will really blossom!


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## timneh_mom

Oh wow. Everyone here is just fantastic. Thank you SO much, it means more than I can say. We actually had a pretty good day yesterday but I really had to work hard to keep myself in the right frame of mind. I think checking in here daily will help a ton.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 

You are a freakin' CHAMP. Many moms would have given up on their older nursling by now, if not both of them.

Let's look at HALT. (we'll look at angry in a min...) What is your diet like, what is your kids' diet like? Are you lonely for time with your dh, or with other friends, or something else? What kind of time do you have to yourself or with friends? Would you consider making the time? Have you considered other ways to replenish your energy, like meditation or a mother's retreat day once a month? How is your cycle? Do you get more aggressive 10 days before, right before, during...?

Cycles? I haven't started them yet since DD was born. She nurses so much at night especially, I don't expect them to start any time soon. As for diet, it's not the best but not horrible either... I try to get enough protein and I bake all our own bread, try to eat some raw foods, we don't eat much fast food or boxed processed stuff but occasionally we do. I do make sure to see friends at least a couple of times a week. They have kids that my kids are happy to play with. We have a weekly playgroup and the same moms come each week. And I can call any of them outside of the playgroup day for more company if I want. I don't get much time alone with DH but I think (sadly) I've gotten used to that. We do need to get out more just the two of us, and we have family who has offered to baby sit. DS is very clingy right now and MIL thinks that's "bad" - whatever!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 

What if someone told you that Mother IS you...? She is inside you, waiting to comfort that lonely, scared, angry girl you are inside... wanting to hold her and tell her it's ok to feel the way she feels... those feelings are authentic, and need a voice...

There is so much good stuff in your post but I wanted to condense it a little...

I have done this meditation before but not for many years, when I read it again it made me cry. I am definitely in need of mothering myself, since my own mother was in too much pain/grief and did the best she could. It's still the same with my mother. Now that she is aging, it's getting worse actually.

Thank you, again, for everything. It means so much!!







We are going to consider preschool for next fall, but not this year. I am going to try to do some home preschool and want to discuss the possibility of co-op at home preschool with some of my friends, at some point, but I actually just read about that a few days ago. So I haven't had the chance yet. DS is not potty trained yet, and doesn't seem to care, he is also not weaned, he walked late too so he just doesn't do anything til he is darn good and ready.

Just a little while ago, I started to get mad because DD has been crabby all morning yet won't nap (pretty normal for her) and I just need another cup of coffee to function and DS was immediately on me for a snack. I told him I was starting to get angry and coffee would make me feel better, and went to the kitchen to heat up my coffee (again) and make him a snack. I sat down with my coffee and my snack and gave him his and announced that I was not going to do anything else for anybody til I was done eating and had my coffee. I was calm and not yelling and just was matter of fact, and you know what, they have been occupying themselves and I was able to eat and get my joe. (I'm really, really awful til I've had enough coffee, because I am always short on sleep and cannot do anything about that, I simply cannot function or think until I've had it!)

Again, thank you SO much. Really, I think I need to start a daily check in thread for mamas in my situation. I think if I force myself to be accountable for long enough, it will force me to change. I don't want to derail this thread, or take it over...


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## karma_momma

This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one? My anger problems really bacame an issue when I was pregnant with number 2. Now that my son is 3 I am challenged not only by his behaviour but by dividing my attention with a 6 month old as well as cooking, cleaning, and conquering the world







I feel like a failure as one by one my family and friends notice it and tell me that GD is a joke and the solution is to be more rigid with my discipline. I am so glad that I found this thread and can reaffirm my belief in myself and my ideal parenting style. Baby step by baby step I will get back on the path and break the cycle of anger! Thank you so much, I am learning so much from each post. I can't wait to come back and add more positivity!


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## tatermom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karma_momma* 
This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one? My anger problems really bacame an issue when I was pregnant with number 2. Now that my son is 3 I am challenged not only by his behaviour but by dividing my attention with a 6 month old as well as cooking, cleaning, and conquering the world







I feel like a failure as one by one my family and friends notice it and tell me that GD is a joke and the solution is to be more rigid with my discipline. I am so glad that I found this thread and can reaffirm my belief in myself and my ideal parenting style. Baby step by baby step I will get back on the path and break the cycle of anger! Thank you so much, I am learning so much from each post. I can't wait to come back and add more positivity!

Nicole, it's the same with me. My anger issues really came up in my late pregnancy and especially since my 8 month old was born. I tend to really lose it in those times when both kids suddenly need me desperately (crying, whining for mommy, etc), and I've been known to yell at both of them simultaneously to stop whining!







I feel like I'm a great mommy about 90% of the time, but there's that other 10% (such as when we're trying to get out the door, or I'm trying to make dinner, etc) when I feel like a wild animal-- I feel so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't know what my kids think about the two sides of me, but I do always talk with the kids (well, with my 3 yo at least) about it, and apologize, though that doesn't excuse it.

DS1 and I have been talking a lot about ways to handle anger, and today when I started to get angry I told him I was going to go into the other room to calm down and he said "ok" and did not, for once, try to follow me (which does NOT help!). A few minutes later he asked from the other room "mommy, do you feel relaxed now?", and I actually did. So today was actually a pretty good day for us! Thanks, everyone for this thread, it really helps, and thanks, PrennaMama for the nice comments-- I really appreciate it.


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## timneh_mom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karma_momma* 
This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one?

I think personally I have this unrealistic idea that everyone is doing better than I am, that nobody else yells at their kids, that my house is the worst, I think when you're living in stress it's hard to see past your own situation.

I am relieved that other people feel the same way. It helps me feel not so alone. I think my anger really bloomed too when I was pregnant with my second. DS was 18 months when I found out and he was not easy from 1 1/2 to 2. He slept awfully and I was so tired, I was never one of those "I feel great when pregnant!" kind of people. Then she was born and kept me up for months, and it made him look like an angel. I just have really hard kids. The baby is happy most of the time now but I am a wreck from not enough sleep.

Anyway here I go on and on again. I hope everyone has a good day today.


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## ani'smommy

Oh wow. It has been so so good for me to read this. Thank you so much.
Count me in.

Two of my biggest struggles are bedtimes (with no DH home) and Dd's treatment of DS. +

I have many times asked DD to stop being rough with him, and then picked her up and removed her too roughly myself. It is madness, I know.

I am seriously in tears reading all of your experiences.


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## PrennaMama

I just lost it. Totally lost it. Dd is having these cat-naps at my college daycare (30-45 min) and it's kinda messing with her night time routine. She was going down at 7:30 every night and sleeping really well, but now it's after nine, again, and she's totally fighting it. She just keeps coming out and (like literally as soon as I close the door and take a step, she's right there, opening the door) saying, "I can't sleep." My take is "Give it a chance, dd. Snuggle Casey (her bear) talk to Big Mama Bear (the giant bear by her bed), listen to your music, think about things that make you feel happy... sleep will come, you have to give it time. I'll come check on you in 2 minutes and if you;re still having a hard time, I'll sing you another lullabye." That was the first time... the next few times finally pushed me right over the edge...

It's been one thing after another tonight, since I got home with dh and dd from school. He picks us both up.

He made a point of letting me know he magnanimously did the dishes, and then he officially checked out. So, it's my second week of school, my first full-time term, 8 hours a day 2 days a week, and due to the adjustment period, (heavy homework load and the only quiet time at home is when they are both asleep, which is why I usually post here after midnight...) I'm on about 3 hours sleep a night. I got home, made dinner, fought to keep her at the table (as lovingly and gently as I could muster... slightly threatening her that if she continued to get up, I'd take it as a signal she was done and take her plate.

She eventually stayed for long enough to take a few bites and then we all finished.

It was bath time amd she asked if I'd please join her. I thought taking a bath with her might calm me, it's a ritual we have to take a relaxing bath together and I wash her hair and we talk about the day... Instead she got all aggro about her washcloth and threw it at me, then actually spit at me.

I stayed calm. I did. I was so proud. I said, "You know, bath time is a special treat for me. I feel frustarted that you're being rude to me. I'm going to go, and when you're ready I'll help you get dried off, and stuff..." SHe sulked and said sorry, and then all was well.

Or so I thought.

So after a few times trailingout after me stubbornly refusing to just kick it in bed and wait for Mom to come in, I snapped. I shouted some. I ranted and growled and snarked about







:"Give it a chance, STAY IN YOUR ROOM. IN YOUR BED. And *WAIT*!!"







: Then I slammed the door hard, and came into the office where I started to cry, because I felt like I'd failed her in that moment.









SO I go into to dh who is still in front of the tv on our bed, just zoned, and I say quietly, "I'm not doing this very well... I can't do it tonight." and he says: "Yeah, duh. Yer freakin' out."

I railed on him for a minute about having come to him for support and needing comfort and then lost my steam, started to to cry again, and came back to the dark office to sit on the floor in the dark and cry.

Then I thought... "The ladies are there. Maybe that's the last place I know I can go for comfort..."

Thanks for reading this. We all have craptastic days... It helps to get it out. Like a little support group communal journal.

Dh came in while I was typing a moment ago and rubbed my shoulders, he didn't say a word. When he was done, he kissed my cheek and asked me to come watch American Idol with him...








Feeling a little better... I'll take what I can get!









Goodnight!


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## aprildawn

Prennamama -- Those catnaps can really throw things off.


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## timneh_mom

Prennamama!! We all have days like that! Those short, late naps screw up everyone!

Remember - nobody is perfect! Both of you were feeling the stress, and it's hard to cope sometimes. I hope today is a better day for you!!


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## tatermom

PrennaMama. Sounds like DD was having a bad night-- I notice when DS is having a day or night like that there is not much I can do to "fix" it for him. It seems to me like you should be proud of how long you kept your patience! (especially when sleep deprived and under stress from school!)







Hope you have a better day today!


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## Onemagicmummy

im join to try to try, and for me thats big,
i have a headache so this may be a bit garbbeled and i havent read all 3x50 post pages yet adn dont think i can)

i am a bad bad mommy at times, i yell, shout, scream, grab, guilt trip, call names (yeah i know) and i have/do spank. i have VERY BAD anger control and flip out at slightest thing, i have pulled taht right back over last few days and have taken a breath when i would of given said child a clip and lowerd my tone and used my words instead and i feel better but i am still not there yet. yesterday was BAD. maybe because i was stressed out cos on Feb 20th my husband was attacked IN OUR HOME IN FRONT OF OUR 4 KIDS and the man responsible was in court yesterday (we wernt asked to attend) and i was worried about them coming back (they have since been evicted form next door).

i am a total stress head adn lost it fast when im wound up adn i have been pretty much wound up for 4 years and untill recentaly had CPS involvemtn which kept me wound up,
with my youngest son i was told by my HV and my Social Worker to
"leave him to cry so you can get the housework done" as they thought that was moer important than me careing for and holding my newborn baby. i did as i was told and it broke my heart over and over and over, all i remember of the first 6 month of his life is him crying and me stressing at him and (this is hard no one except DH knows this PLEASE DONT flame me)

i Hurt My Baby and im Sorry. i have to go now im nearly crying and i cant cosa sis is here and she doesnt know and i dont want her to know

Kiz


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## columbusmomma

Onemagicmummy


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## Onemagicmummy

thank you for the hug.
i can explain a bt more now
he was 7 month old at the time, i used to well i cant say it but it was mean, and hurtfull to us both and i so regret it but cant seem to get past it, and im slipping with him again, yet i cant imagine being mean to DD2 who is the same age NOW as DS2 was back when i was bad, (shes almsot 7 months) i told DH, he changed his hours at work as soona s he could (when DS2 was almsot a year old) so he was home for me at the most stressfull time of day, Bed time. since then i have been doing so well i thought i was OK. but we have had a fair bit of stress in past 7 months or so, Baby, Moved House, HAd trouble with negibours, DH was attacked and now im jsut spiriling the drain and i KNWO that i had PPD tendancioes but i dont want meds i want to do it as natural as i can cos i have worked so hard ot get rid of CPS i dont want em back cos they thing i cant cope, i can cope im jsut having a hard time at the mo. i know i can do it, i just dont see HOW i can do. DH is now working 12 hours a day 3 days a week 3 off 3 on and i HATE it. im tired ALL the time even when i get a good night sleep, i have a almsot constant headache, and even the slightes whinging gets to me. just now for instance i went upstairs to get my jeans on and askd DD2 and DS2 to STAY downstairs and they BOTH said no i wanna go to bed(its 8am) so they came up, so instead of losing my temper i put em to bed. im not gonna leave em there all day but i did it to prove a point, maybe im worng but i dont care.

its DS2 thats driving me insane, he is demanding, nasty, will play nicely one moment the ruin it for everyone the next so everything has to be put away cos hes trashed it whihc isnt fair on the others, he wont nap but gets cranky.
he can be so loving too he likes hugs and kisses, he loves to hug the baby. i dont want to change his behaviour as its mostly normal for a 2 yr old i want to g=change how I deal with it.

also any one any ideas oh how to handle a 5 yr old who HATES to go out, be it grocery shopping, a day in town, or even a trip to soft play, the park or his fave sushi place he kicks up such a fuss about going out that we do spent alot on time home.

well i think thats enought rambeling from me.

Kiz


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## Onemagicmummy

Eek


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## PrennaMama

Thanks for the support you guys... having MDC down for the weekend messed with me.









*Onemagicmummy* would you consider a Mother's Helper? A young adult or older adolescent, a student or someone like that, who may come during a couple of hours in the day to help you with things like chores 'round the house, keeping the kids entertained while you take a walk, do some shopping, or have a rest? What about 2 hours a day, so you can have a 2 hour respite while the kids are engaged in healthy interaction with a such a helper? Or 2 days a week, or something...?

It really sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and having 4 children (is that right?) on top of emotional imbalance (PPD is no joke, it is a medically diagosable disorder) and major traumas like dh being assaulted, is no small issue. I totally understand the desire to self-treat, naturally, the symptoms of PPD... but if you have a cavity, you don't try to pull the tooth out yourself, do you? If you have conjuntivitis (pink-eye) you don't hope it will go away by having faith, do you? And by the same token, if you have a medically diagnosed chemical imbalance such as clinical depression, PPD, or something worse, like bipolar disorder, (not saying you're bipolar... just an example), then it is not unrealistic that you should be, and you should find no fault in, seeking medical help in the form of appropriate treatments, such as medication and counseling. Would it help if you viewed your treatment options as temporary? There are a lot of people who go through what you're going through, and they take medication and seek counseling for a period of time, until things hit a point of equilibrium, then they go on about things under their own steam using the tools they learned in counseling...

You wouldn't expect your children or a friend to take on such a load with no support, would you? You need support, too Mama... and you have a right to seek it out.

Do you read? Would you consider looking at some books that might provide some workable strategies?

Good luck to you, and bright blessings, best wishes....









Has anyone seen miss *becoming*, (the founder of this oasis of support and understanding)?

I hope you're well, *becoming*; you're in my thoughts...


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## Onemagicmummy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
Thanks for the support you guys... having MDC down for the weekend messed with me.









*Onemagicmummy* would you consider a Mother's Helper? A young adult or older adolescent, a student or someone like that, who may come during a couple of hours in the day to help you with things like chores 'round the house, keeping the kids entertained while you take a walk, do some shopping, or have a rest? What about 2 hours a day, so you can have a 2 hour respite while the kids are engaged in healthy interaction with a such a helper? Or 2 days a week, or something...? *i would but i have no idea where to start to find such a helper, its almost unheard of in UK, and i cant afford to pay someone.*

It really sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and having 4 children (is that right?) on top of emotional imbalance (PPD is no joke, it is a medically diagosable disorder) and major traumas like dh being assaulted, is no small issue. I totally understand the desire to self-treat, naturally, the symptoms of PPD... but if you have a cavity, you don't try to pull the tooth out yourself, do you? If you have conjuntivitis (pink-eye) you don't hope it will go away by having faith, do you? And by the same token, if you have a medically diagnosed chemical imbalance such as clinical depression, PPD, or something worse, like bipolar disorder, (not saying you're bipolar... just an example), then it is not unrealistic that you should be, and you should find no fault in, seeking medical help in the form of appropriate treatments, such as medication and counseling. Would it help if you viewed your treatment options as temporary? There are a lot of people who go through what you're going through, and they take medication and seek counseling for a period of time, until things hit a point of equilibrium, then they go on about things under their own steam using the tools they learned in counseling...
*Yeah i have 4 kids, and your right about seeking treatment, after this past week i think i need to or im gonna flip out, today has been bad, the dude that attacke DH was in the street picking up paving slabs form his old house and as soon as i saw him my blood ran cold, i have been shacky adn nervious all day, his twin daughters and still on the street now adn i do not feel safe, i can relax, i feel like im gonna cry at anymoment, i feel fragile and i could go at any moment, DH is due back at work 8-6 on tuesday and i am so dreading it, i can feel myself breaking, if i feel like this just seeing him on the street how am i supposed to give evidance at the court case in june(jsut found out this week)*
You wouldn't expect your children or a friend to take on such a load with no support, would you? You need support, too Mama... and you have a right to seek it out.
*no i would not expect my child to take on a big load alone, as for friends, i have none.*
Do you read? Would you consider looking at some books that might provide some workable strategies? *i love to read and i am open to anything. i am getting in on a co-op of Acountible Kids stuff soon to try to help me and the kids, anything that can help ME run a happy home with out shouting, yelling and spanking.*

Good luck to you, and bright blessings, best wishes....









*thank you.*
*i am a mess today, my sisters gone home and i feel empty, hollow and alone, i dont want HD going back to work but i know he has to, i am worried i will take out my frustrations on the kids, i try so hard to stay calm and together but im just no good at it, i am not the mother i planned on being, i am not the mother i want to be,*

*i hate where i live, i cant move, i feel trapped and exposed at the same time. as soon as i settle up my rent account i am going to get on the transfer list for a house somewhere else. if it was not for hte fact my kids are so young and need me i would get a job. i just want to find peace and for things to be still and quiet and i dunno what i want. i dont want to live in fear.*

*i think i will contact my HV tomorrow and tell her im not doing so well, i should of told her last time i saw her but i was doing well that week. this week, not so well,*

*Kiz*


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## PrennaMama

Raising a Secure Child: Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child by Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D. is an excellent book I recommend to everyone. It's a varitable work-book with easy to understand and apply techniques to review, work on, and maintain the emotional availability we need to offer our children as they grow. It takes Attachment Theory to a whole new level of accountability and understanding.

Here's the Emotional Availability website. It's got some online tools.

The Work by Byron Katie is profoundly life-changing, too. She was in a deep impossible-to-navigate depression for many years before she began to "wake up to reality" as she puts it, and started The Work. I _urge_ you to check out her website...

Take a look at some of this... just reading and educating one's self can be transformative... your mood will improve, your outlook will uplift... surround yourself with information, peace, acceptance, tolerance, love... especially love. Give extra love to the kids when _you_ need it the most. The more you give, the more you get....

You can do this, girl.


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## BonMaman

subbing...


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## Suzannah

I just found this through another thread. I need help.

I am not the parent I was 7 years ago (DD will be 8 in May). I yell, I glare, I say her name in that pissy, awful voice. I snap. I have ZERO patience, and ZERO tolerance for slow responses. I have tried, so hard, to change and stop yelling; I can see my sensitive, sweet child crumple and burst into tears as I rail at her. I have ruined bedtimes, dinners and all times in between. I am watching her turn into a minature version of me: impatient and nasty. I feel bad about myself, constantly. I feel like a bad, judgemental, awful person, and I can feel DD's sweet childhood slipping away. I don't know what to do or how to change. I feel like such a jerk; I only have one, and she's older, and I can't handle it.


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## PlayaMama

it's so good to see this thread again.

things have been decent but i've been back to work so i'm not home all day anymore.

i agree with checking on on a daily basis... i think it helps.


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## PrennaMama

Hi all! Have you all been doing well? It's been a few days and I see I'm not the only one who hasn't been by recently.

We had a breakthrough, again, the other day.

The process of promising myself and my child a peaceful relationship everyday is beginning to pay off.

I'm having The-World-Will-Not-Come-To-An-End-If-I-Let-It-Go moments of Zen, for sure.

The other night dd watched a movie during dinner (one I don't mind watching, too... when Dad's not home for dinner, we frequently keep things chill...) and I knew she would not want to jet off to bed right after, even tho it was getting on about that time.

So I said "If you're not ready to go to bed (she had on jammies, etc, was ready _for_ bed, just knew she'd not be ready to _go_ to bed) when the movie is over, you may elect to watch one Little Bear vignet, or choose something else, quiet and peaceful to do before you're ready..."

Sure enough she said "I'm not ready to go to sleep, yet!" I let her know: "I respect that you are not ready yet, so would you like to watch Little Bear?"

She politely said, "Yes please!"

Later when it was nearing the end (20 min later) I got close to her and said, "I know you may not yet be ready to go upstairs, but when Little Bear is over, _I'll_ be ready for the TV to be off. That's a choice I am making so I can do my homework. You may make another choice until you're ready to go upstairs."

When it was over, she wailed "I don't _wanna_ go to bed..." in anticipation of the usual battle...

I reminded her: "Dd, I know. I respect that you are not ready to go to bed, yet... but TV will not be a choice. Can you think of something else you would like to do?"

She was so excited, she said "_I_ know! My exercise cd..." a children's medtation/stretching cd. She got it out and said "This isn't tv, maybe we could do it together...?"

Although I was very eager to begin my homework, I knew it would be only 9 minutes, and we would both enjoy it, so I said yes, and we had a nice stretch together... at the end, she said, "Ok, I feel ready now."

And off we went to get her into bed and it was SOOO *NICE*!!


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## timneh_mom

Prennamama









We had a pretty good day today. Earlier in the week was bad because I was still horribly nauseated from a bad stomach bug from the week before. I was miserable and still had not gotten enough sleep - so I was constantly angry and unhappy. Today, the weather was warm, we had friends over and played outside, I got time with my friend while our kids played, then DH got home early, I grilled for dinner, then we went and visited family. The kids behaved well and went to bed easily and it was good. I wish my good days like today were the rule, and not the exception. I just want the days to be good, so I feel well at the end of the day. I want that more than anything. I hate it when most of my days seem crappy. It sucks.


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## anudi01

trying to weed my way through these threads, but I definately need to be here.

I feel like all my attachment parenting has gone out the window, and now gentle discipline seems near impossible. I would never hit, but I have grabbed at times.

My kids are just really extremely head strong. There is NO GETTING THROUGH to them once they have honed in on something they want, but I'd rather them not do. So I find myself physically removing them, or things from them, and I hate that because they SNATCH things ALL THE TIME...no wonder









I have always allowed my kids to explore everything in our home and outside. I put little restriction on them, because I really want them to experience life this way. But now, they don't get it. If you tell them no to something, they take it like a "suggestion". They feel entitled to touching everything and anything. And if they did so in a respectful way, I wouldn't mind, but they don't care! They don't take care/pride in their things, or ours (mine and dh). It is so infuriating!

My mom says I did this to them/myself







:







.


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## hipumpkins

I am a terrible screaming mama today.








DD is in her room b/c DS pickedup a drum that she was playing with earlier. she was NOT playing wiht it at the the time. she was cutting with scissors and threatend him with the scissors in his face.
I said sternly go to your room...she said I will not
She said, "ia m going to bite you" to me
I picked her up and she screamed and I threw her onto her brother's bed(It's softer than her bed which is a futon)
I am shaking with anger...and guilt and i am horrified with myself.
she's still in the9re b/c I don;t what to do.

To make matters worse her little brother came in with the drum and gave it to her saying, "johanna need it" It was so sweet it made cry too and reminded me how awful I am.


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## aprildawn

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I am a terrible screaming mama today.








DD is in her room b/c DS pickedup a drum that she was playing with earlier. she was NOT playing wiht it at the the time. she was cutting with scissors and threatend him with the scissors in his face.
I said sternly go to your room...she said I will not
She said, "ia m going to bite you" to me
I picked her up and she screamed and I threw her onto her brother's bed(It's softer than her bed which is a futon)
I am shaking with anger...and guilt and i am horrified with myself.
she's still in the9re b/c I don;t what to do.

To make matters worse her little brother came in with the drum and gave it to her saying, "johanna need it" It was so sweet it made cry too and reminded me how awful I am.



















I'm sorry you are feeling so awful, and sorry for the circumstances leading up to it. When I've done something like that I apologize to whoever I screamed at, threw into their room, etc. And I ask whoever also hurt someone apologize for whatever they did. While I don't want to diminish my own wrongdoing, it doesn't negate theirs, and I think it's a good lesson in resolving conflict all the way around. We also discuss how we could have made better choices in how we all responded to whatever set us off.

Take a deep breath, calm down, and have a fresh start. Try not to beat yourself up too much.


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## GeorgiesMom

Wow. I am so glad I found this thread. Is it ok if I join you ladies?!

I have a 4 year old, a 21 month old and am 6 months pregnant.... I lose my patience A LOT. The hardest part for all of us is that we just moved to a new city and have lost touch with most of our friends. So my 4 year old is lonely, I am lonely and my baby is just really spirited.

On top of that, my Mom, my main source of support, is one for spanking, yelling and just not gentle discilpine in the least. I hate to cut her out of my life becuase she is such a good source of support in every other part of my life, except for disciplining the kids.

I need to learn to be more patient and that part of the issue here is that I am projecting my emotions on them and they are only refelcting mommas sad mood.

Thanks for letting me join. Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one to ever lose it somedays...

Nicki


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## anitaj71

Thinking about all of you mamas today . . Really lost it with my lo. He's only 2&1/2. Lots of hugs and apologies all around.


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## aschmied

Oh, the defiant 3 yo! So today was difficult for both of us, but the worst I did was haul her off the top of the car because she refused to get down herself after quite a bit of time (like 1/2 hour) and transition warnings. DS had melted down and was screaming, so my ability to talk her around was severely limited. I didn't even yell when a few minutes later she started hitting and kicking me while I was nursing DS, and pumping for her. (I don't even remember WHY she was kicking me...)

Anyway, later as she refused to do something or another small, I asked her, in a simply curious tone of voice, why she didn't want to do it. Her answer?
"Oh, I just like to refuse to do things."


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## karma_momma

Checking in on you ladies. We have shut off our cable and seen an improvement but I feel awful this week so we have backslide. I want to stick syringe in my forehead to relieve my sinus pressure.







Wishing you all good luck!


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## little_redheads

just remeber we are human. All we can do is try to better our parenting. You can do it we both can!!


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## columbusmomma

Yesterday was a good day for me! And I needed one of "THOSE"! DS had no " behavioral" issues at school and was proud of himself! He was out and about playing with kids in the neighborhood after school. When his friends had to go in, he was upset b/c it was nice out and no one was around. I had just finished eating with DD and DH was out. I thought surely a meltdown was coming b/c he's always "bored" and this frustrates him! So I got him to eat dinner(he complimented the fish even!)and then suggested we all take a walk together. We hiked to the end of the street and he rode the scooter. we enjoyed the woods and water, etc. He offered to help me with the stroller and was just pleasantly sweet and polite. When we got home we decided to go rent 2 new movies. He was great in the store and didn't wine when I said no to the candy requests!







Again, no whining or rudeness!! When we got home he showered without much asking/reminding from me, got dressed on his own, and played with the baby. A friend then came to the door to play and I explained that Jacob had already showered, it was 8:00, thanks for stopping, but let's do it again another time. So normally this could've gotten ugly, a meltdown, screaming, even thrashing on the floor(and then I'm ready to meltdown myself!), etc. but instead jacob said hi to the friend and said "can you believe I'm already in my pajamas? Let's play later". I could've fallen over!!! So I count yesterday and almost 100%stress free and for sure 100% scream free!! Yeah for the good days!


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## phathui5

I'm doing well so far today. I'm trying to slow down in responding to the kids and be more mindful of how I react.


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## Onemagicmummy

i have had a good couple of days, the kids did a few things that were pretty bad and instead of fliping out and spanking i didnt.
DS2 took some choclate i left on my PC table and ate it, i couldnt get mad at him when i realised that 1) he is 2 and its too much temptation for a 2yr old to see chocolate on a table adn leave it alone
2) i shouldnt of left it in plain view
so i jsut asked him toask next time and said that that was MY chocolate and he should ask next time.

DD1 was sitting in the pushchair and i asked her twice to get out, she didnt and started rocking back and forth on it faceing backwards (so kneeling in it) well it tipped over, hit the back of my pc chair, scared the life out of me and was within a inch of hitting Evie in the head, i flipped out, yelled at DD1 and was within a hairs breath of smacking her out of sheer shock and fear.
i took her into the kitchen and in the time it took me to get from ym livingroom to my kitchen(about 10 feet) i had snapped out of that mindset and got down on her level and told her she scared me, she scared the baby and that she shouldnt have been swinging on the pushchair after mumym told her to get out, she got upset when she realised she hurt mummys back, she gave me a hug and went and hugged Evie cos she scared her too.

Ok i have totaly lost my train of thought

sorry

Kiz


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## karma_momma

Yay columbus mom







and yay for your half marathon







I ran in the Indy half a couple years ago and it was a blast. I caved and went to the MD today and got drugs. I'm also using the netti pot and it helps a little. My awesome DH has taken my DS to the park today and on errands, so its just been me and DD cuddling







Now if only it was this easy every day lol


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## bnhmama

I'm just discovering this thread and I love it. This is something I've been working really, really hard on in the past year or so. Baby steps. It's really improved since I switched jobs allowing me *way* more time at home with B. The weeks where I have to double up or do more for whatever reason, I find myself becoming more stressed and detached feeling again. I'm very proud of myself for the progress I have made. Our interactions are typically a lot less stressful. I've also been contemplating making a pledge of sorts that helps me keep my goals for what I want to change in my parenting decisions straight. Things like improving diet, less tv, etc.

Right now I'm working on the times that he pushes my buttons and bedtime. It seems like every night at bedtime we run into some snag and he pushes and doesn't stop until I get pretty mad. I'm working hard to find some other way to diffuse the situation. It's frustrating because he's not responding until I get really ticked (And usually yell) and then he's fine-completely happy, playful, interactive and cooperative.







: Ugh. It's like he needs me to reach that *Iabsolutelycannottakeanymore* point. I have to work on another way to let him know that the point has been reached.

BTW, Lindsay, I'm also over the rainbow with you and Amyroo.


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## Aeress

Oh mommas, how i needed to see this thread. I am presenting at a conference so I am very busy prepping for it, my house is a disaster and mil is coming to help out, o I can go to the conference and well, I just lost it with my 3yr old.

Once I got other dd down for nap and calmed down, I hugged and we snuggled and I cried.
















I get caught in a bad cycle, house get messy, I get stressed, house get more messy (oops, s key isn't working well).

I was going to stay off mdc today but I am glad I stopped by.


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## aran

I just read this thread from beginning to end and it was very helpful.

I sometimes lose my cool with my highly spirited, highly sensitive 3.75 DS1 (yell, use too-rough touches). He also does not sleep well, and fights it even when he is exhausted. At times I feel like the whole family's life must revolve around setting up good sleep scenarios for DS1 in order for the family to function, and I resent that. If he doesn't get enough sleep, he is mean to DS2, argues with everything DH or I say - even innocuous stuff, and melts down *screaming* in frustration when his playing doesn't go well. I could deal with it playfully and bend to his sleep schedule when I had one DC, but now I have to balance the needs of two DCs and when I am tired or sick or *need* to get something done, I am prone to harsh tones of voice and occasional yelling. But that makes things worse EVERY SINGLE TIME. Why don't I learn???

Anyhow, I know what I need to do... DS1 responds best when I am a "ball of love." That is - when all my actions toward him I think of as flowing out of my love for him. That softens my tone, my face, my gestures, my mood... he responds so well to that. It does not feel natural for me to be a "ball of love" in response to DS1 grabbing something away from DS2 causing DS2 to cry. Instead I feel like mama-bear needing to protect baby-bear. The few times I have been successful in remaining loving toward DS1 in these instances, he has been truly remorseful and cooperative. So I need to better suppress that initial, primal urge to treat DS1 like a threat to be dealt with harshly... and instead see the bigger picture. I can do it. I can learn.


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## honeysesame

hi mamas!
so grateful to lurk in this thread occasionally, and i think it would be so good for me (except i am already way too much on computer!) to be here more often and check in for accountability. totally yelled and grabbed w/ ds (6 yo) this morning about getting ready for school, everything i had to say 25 times (it seemed), and he was upset and then after we got there i thought of all the ways i could have easily stayed calm and done the same thing but in the moment of the tired grumpy morning (dd 6 mos nursing all night long...) i couldn't think of how. how *in the moment* do you access your wisdom?????
okay, should go study for my test this evening. thanks for being here.


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## madskye

I had a bad day yesterday. I yelled a lot. I was not very nice. I had cramps and my 3 (as of Weds) year old daughter was just whining and tantruming all day. It was pretty grim.

Today I am feeling more mellow, trying not to schedule anything, and I'm saying yes a lot more. (1pm and DD is on her second set of paints of the day...she's loving it.)


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## singlemomof4

Today I chose to be my first day as the new mama I had said I wanted to be weeks ago when the thread first began. I am so angry all the time, I am so frustrated and fuming, seething and shaking...it HAS to stop!

I watched my oldest DS get held from behind, restrained and thrown to the floor the other morning and watched as my other 3 children cried in horror wondering WTF was going on. I have had it up to *here* with being "that crazy single mom on the block" I can't tolerate the looks of disapproval at my unruly 9 yr old DS, and the shaking heads of strangers as they witness him swearing, throwing fits and kicking me.

Today begins my journey to self peace, happiness and compliance. I despirately hope. With all of your help of course.

I wonder though, are there any single mama's in similar situations who might be able to one on one help me through this, so that not all of my personal dirty laundry is aired on a public thread?


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## Mom2lilpeeps

I'm not a single Mom but I'm willing and available to 'talk' anytime. Hang in there Mamma!


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## Synchro246

Subbing.


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## hipumpkins

I'm doing pretty god lately and have switched, "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" to..."you need a break, let's go calm down"
I even told DD that we will call it the break room from now on









I ordered a Naomi Aldort book from amazon although at them moment the title escapes me...so hopefully that will help me with me.

I know it's all my own baggage. I'm going to work hard to be better than I was.


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## lilsparrow

Hello everyone. Thanks for inviting me hipumpkin.

I want to be a new mama. I will have to make some time to skim through the thread, but for now I just wanted to say hi. I hit rock bottom the other day and spanked my dd8.


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## lovemyfamily6

I posted here way back in March and then haven't been back. Part of my "fix" for myself includes cutting back on my internet time. I found the connection when I realized that the less tidy the house is, the less patient I am. And I was having less time to clean and keep things clutter free because I'm easily sucked in to the internet. I've really cut down and have more patience usually.

I have the same triggers that a lot of you mentioned- not getting out of the house on time, blatantly ignoring me...

I printed off the maxims of good parenting that were posted on this thread. I also printed the sticky of alternatives to punishment.

I love the bit about silence and how when you think it can't get worse, it can because you could be yelling at them.

We have been doing okay, but I'm not fully on the path that I want to be on, more like heading in that direction. We resorted to a reward chart. The three big boys were having such issues and fighting and not listening. We made a "let's work together" chart with squares. We have six little animals in a cup. The animals get taken away for totally unacceptable behavior. If at the end of the day, they still have at least one animal, we put a smiley face in a square. If they didn't lose any, they get two squares. The first goal was ten squares and they got the last Planet Hero toy they wanted (one toy, they share). Now they're six squares away from the next goal (15 squares) to go to Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. We were at the end of our rope when we implemented this and while dh and I discussed why we don't do rewards/punishment, decided to do it anyway in hopes of re-establishing good habits. It was working well, but now I find myself saying things like "If you don't want to lose an animal, you need to stop ____."

I also notice the boys saying things (not since the chart, but in the last year or so) "If you don't ___, then I won't ___." I told dh one day that I really don't like their ultimatums. It's like "If you don't give me a cookie, I won't clean up my toys." Dh reminded me that they are saying to us what we say to them. I replied that yeah, but we're being reasonable and it's about safety or kindness or whatever. Then it hit me that duh, they're 4, 4 and 6, I'm sure their ultimatum seems as reasonable as mine.

So basically, I'm doing a lot better with the yelling, still not perfect by any means, but still need to do a lot of work on my ways of dealing with things. I'm also guilty of trying so hard to stay calm and then reaching my breaking point and screaming at them. I always feel so awful and try hard not to do it, but I realize in order to stop, I need to learn the skills to replace it with gentle behavior on my part.

I really love Connection Parenting. I've read so many books and they are great while I'm reading them but I have such a hard time applying them.

I'm going to do the "commit to a month" thing and not go off and think it's not working. I'm going to keep plugging on and I will be the gentle mama I want to be.


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## petra_william

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

*"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."*

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."

I can't even remember where I read that quote, but it has helped me sooo much. I've shared it on these boards before, so forgive me if you're tired of hearing it, but I just hope it will help someone else.

We had a relatively good morning considering I got up an hour late.







I realized that I need to work on two things: (1) actually getting up on time! The stress I feel in the mornings is totally my own fault for pushing the snooze button 20 times in a row! (2) I have this weird thing where, when I get ready to go, I'm ready to go like YESTERDAY, and I get all panicky about trying to get everyone out the door. I guess it's because I realize at that point just how late we really are, and I just switch to this frantic mode, which my kids don't understand. I need to work on more calmly getting us into the car.

oh i love that quote, mind if i steal it?? thats just too lovely!


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## becoming

Hi again, mamas! I'm still around and still working on becoming the mama I want to be, although I haven't been doing as well lately as I would like to. My oldest child is home for the summer now, and he is just a whirlwind of disobedience and defiance most days. He and DD hardly EVER get along, and he is so LOUD all the time. He just seems to create so much chaos in our household, and it's very hard for me to be patient with him. I try so hard to think of him as the tiny baby that I loved and cuddled and rocked and fed, but I can just barely see in him a shadow of that sweet baby that he was once was.









One thing that has helped me a *little* in the past few weeks is being around the wife of DS1's tee-ball coach. She has FIVE kids, the oldest of which is only 8 years old, and she seems to be the most patient and gentle mama I've ever met. Even in the most chaotic situations (like being at a tournament from 8:30 AM to 6:30 PM with no one to help her with her kids), she never loses her cool or raises her voice. She speaks in such a calm, gentle tone to her kids, and I am trying to mimic her actions. Every time I start to lose it now, I think of her and how she would respond. Sounds hokey, but it's really helping me.


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## Awaken

This thread has helped me so much- this is the first time I've gotten a chance to post, but just reading along has really made a difference. I really struggle with handling 2 kids. My older one is very challenging and high needs so from the beginning I've always felt like I've had a different path than most other parents, and felt like most people can't relate to what I'm going through as a mom- so it does help to read that I'm not the only one who feels like they're going to lose it half the time!

Getting out the door in the mornings, just getting ready, is the hardest part for us, too. It's a tough thing, b/c they do better when we're out of the house, yet I can't do what it takes to GET us out! Every single day it isn't accomplished without major screaming and fighting. I can't get dressed, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom without them immediately grabbing and hitting each other and screaming for help. I almost dread waking up, knowing that's what's ahead of me. I've started to do a few things to try and help the situation:
-stay up later and pack all snacks, school lunches for the next day.
-wake up earlier to get myself dressed, start breakfast. Of course this means later nights, earlier mornings, less relaxation time and less sleep, all of which I need more of, not less!
-the most recent issue of Mothering had a great article about mom rituals- even if it's just stretching your arms overhead and taking a deep breath and welcoming the day. So I'm trying to do a few yoga poses when I wake up, take a minute during the day whenever I think of it to "check in" with myself, say a prayer, remind myself of wanting to be the mom I want to be and my kids need me to be.
-try to cut out caffiene- I'm noticing that I get hypoglycemic, shaky, overhungry, and generally unable to handle life when I've had too much coffee, much as I love it







.

Another thought I've had- I think some of their fighting and screaming is a learned response, a pattern that they are used to doing every time they see me walk out of the room. In the same way, my reactions to their fighting is a learned thing too- my heart races, I get angry, often want to hit (although I don't- I have done other rough treatment though







). I am trying to break that pattern- like the previous poster said, when I start to get that shaking feeling of rage, to teach myself a new reaction- breathe and pray and ask for strength. It hasn't totally worked yet but at least thinking about it and attempting it I hope eventually will make a difference.

Here's what happened today, and it's pretty typical for most days! We had a great time at the park, we were all well fed, gotten lots of sleep, and I was feeling good about our day. Then it came time to leave to take my son to school and I gave them 5 minute warning. He was having such a good time, I think he was blocking me out, and ran away to play more. A few mins. goes by and I go to him and say do the slide one more time, it's time to leave for school. He totally freaked out, ran away, started screaming "I don't want to go to school!" Would not get in the stroller, wouldn't walk with us and just laid on the ground screaming while I tried to do everything to get us home. We walked the entire LONG way home with him having a huge tantrum, hitting and screaming, throughout the entire town with everyone watching us. This is a scene that has happened numerous times- everyone who lives here must know me as the struggling mom with the kid who tantrums everywhere we go. I am starting a small business in our community and I feel like everyone at the park and who we just passed are my potential clients- what do I look like to them?? Who would hire me after seeing that??

I tried hard to restrain myself from doing anything I'd regret, but I still said some things to him I shouldn't have and feel terrible about it. Now I'm going over everything I did wrong, when I'm trying so hard to do things differently- I should have given him more warning, made sure he understood we were leaving soon, maybe talked about it even before getting to the park and we could have avoided all of it. Yet also trying to accept that kids have tantrums- maybe it's not all me and no matter how I handled it he would have done the same thing.


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## Awaken

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
I printed off the maxims of good parenting that were posted on this thread. I also printed the sticky of alternatives to punishment.

I love the bit about silence and how when you think it can't get worse, it can because you could be yelling at them.

I also notice the boys saying things (not since the chart, but in the last year or so) "If you don't ___, then I won't ___." I told dh one day that I really don't like their ultimatums. It's like "If you don't give me a cookie, I won't clean up my toys." Dh reminded me that they are saying to us what we say to them. I replied that yeah, but we're being reasonable and it's about safety or kindness or whatever. Then it hit me that duh, they're 4, 4 and 6, I'm sure their ultimatum seems as reasonable as mine.

I'm also guilty of trying so hard to stay calm and then reaching my breaking point and screaming at them. I always feel so awful and try hard not to do it, but I realize in order to stop, I need to learn the skills to replace it with gentle behavior on my part.

I really love Connection Parenting. I've read so many books and they are great while I'm reading them but I have such a hard time applying them.

I've got to check out some of those sticky's when I have time.

Re: ultimatums- I am so guilty of this. I am grasping at straws with how to get them to do what they need to do, or stop doing undesirable behavior, so I often find myself saying the "if you don't ____ you won't get to ____" even threatening that he wouldn't go on his field trip tomorrow which of course he will get to go! As soon as it comes out of my mouth I realize how ridiculous it is, and he knows that, too, so then I become ineffective because I'm not following through on what I say!

Also, on trying hard to stay calm, then snapping. That is me, too! I can do well for only so long- but after 11 hours of dealing with fighting, demands, and generally normal little-kid behavior by myself all day, by the evening the smallest thing is just too much!


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## Surfacing

OMG I love you mamas and this thread. Just checking in to say I feel ya'll.


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## Kothi

I'm joining. I'm turning into my mother and scaring myself. <sigh> I need to be accountable somewhere.


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## mija y mijo

I want to start off by saying that my children are the most amazing and beautiful people to ever come into my life. I love, love, love them to little pieces. They make me smile every day. My life is full because of them.

So why do I yell? Why do I get so irritated with DD? Why do I lose my patience and say rude things to a seven year old? What is wrong with me???

I was in such a bad mood today and I totally took it out on her. I feel horrible. Tonight I apologized and said that I was really grumpy today and I was so sorry for yelling and for the way I treated her.

I read this board and feel so inspired by all of you. Why can't I just implement what I know is the best and right thing to do? Why when I lose my patience do I yell?

DD is trying at times, to say the least. It doesn't help when others comment on how they, "don't know how I do it!" She is strong-willed and persistant and there are moments where I admire those qualities about her. Then at other times I just want her to say, "OK, Mom!" Is that really too much to ask sometimes?

I don't want my yelling to negatively effect my children and I can already see that it has. DD senses when I start to get frustrated and will ask me what's wrong. I feel like I'm putting my stress on her.

I don't know... I guess it was just a bad day. But I don't want to have another day like today. I need patience. And some guidance. I don't want to yell anymore.


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## hipumpkins

one for you







and one for your kids


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## Jannah6

I SOOOOO want to GD, but DC take advantage of me. I'm sorry ladies, I'm going to have to put this one on the backburner


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## OkiMom

If you all don't mind Id like to join in.. I thought I was doing really well until about three months ago. I didn't know at the time but I was pregnant (Im 16 weeks right now) and it is killing my temper. I know that a lot of people have problems with emotions but its killing me right now..
I have a 16 month old beautiful baby girl, her and my husband is my world. I love them both so much. She is sooo active, she is into EVERYTHING and never stops moving. From the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep she is into whatever she can find. I find myself losing my temper with her for things that I would have just let slide today. For example, today I had gave her lunch and instead of eating it she grabbed it and ground it into the floor. She also rubbed it all over herself and me while I was trying to keep it up. When I tried to change her diaper a little later she kept grabbing the poop and smearing it all over the place.. Im ashamed to say I slapped her hand. I have never raised my hand to my baby and I can't believe I did that.. I don't know why I did, I just lost it..
I dont' want to be my mother or my father. They use to slap us all the time, belittle us, threatened, etc. I want to raise her and any other children we have with love and kindness. I want them to know they are safe and cared for at home and that they have a home (I never felt like that till I got married, I still don't consider my fathers house someplace i can go back to).
I hope to get some support from people who can understand why gentleness and love is how you are suppose to raise children. Thanks.


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## mytwogirls

I am a terrible toddler mom. I just am. I try not to yell or slam things, but dang she just gets the better of me. So, today was the worst. She was on my nerves and I was TIRED. I yelled, she yelled louder and a shouting match began. I suddenly caught myself and stopped. I just shook my head and hugged her said I am sorry. I need to start over (is there a restart button somewhere?) Anyway I want to join. I want to learn to be a better toddler mom and have patience and understanding instead of exploding and not understanding. My other girl, almost 11 months, is a joy, so quiet and watchful. I don't want my girls growing up with a mean mommy. My DH and I are VERY VERY VERY loving to our girls and we don't fight, ever (seriously we don't.) I just wish I could be better so here I am. I hope I can do better.


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## mija y mijo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
one for you







and one for your kids









Thank you.









Today was so much better. I still got a little irritable a couple of times today when I took them to the store, but I reminded myself that they are only children.

And I'm realizing that most of the time the problem is ME and my perfection and control issues. I just need to let go and relax!

I'm so thankful to have found this thread. I'm hoping to get through it tonight and start taking some notes.


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## mija y mijo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 

Quote:
Some Maxims About Childhood Behavior

Children aren't adults, so don't expect them to behave as though they were.

Children learn by doing, so don't expect to approve of everything they do.

It is a rare child whose behavior equals his parents' expectations.

Children are more likely to do as you do than to do as you say.

It is often less important for parents to control their children's behavior than it is for them to control their own.

Children react to anger; they respond to love and affection.

Thank you for posting this. I'm printing it off and putting it around my house as a daily reminder.


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## Surfacing

Ugh, I've had a few bad stretches over the past several days, my poor dd1. I'm ashamed. I'm a little undermedicated right now and my mood is not what it should be. It affects my parenting SO MUCH.







I am sad. Oh well, I will be seeing my doc next week and hopefully will adjust my meds some more. In the meantime, I try to walk away when I feel really angry, and talk about it later when calmer. Or if I've yelled and generally have been a jerk I'll go back later when calmer, explain that I know I was a jerk and apologize. I'm so ashamed. I just have to keep climbing back on the horse and doing it again.

After a crappy morning today I said to dd, "Hey, we've had a rough morning haven't we?" and said let's both try to co-operate more and get along better in the afternoon. It worked. I let go of a lot of stuff and just let things be. It kills me when dd still says, "I love you Mommy." or "you're my best friend" after I've been an impatient yelling a$$. How long before she decides she hates me, yk?


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## lovemyfamily6

It was a bad bad day here. I woke up to dh yelling at the boys. They were being ridiculous and horrible to him and he (with the patience of a saint) just lost it. Later I was the same way with them. A bit later, dh again. I went in to lay down with one of them and I forced myself to remember when he was a baby. We had a sweet time together. Things were good for the rest of the afternoon. I helped them plant something, they played nicely together. At dinner, I was telling them how nice the meal was and how much I was enjoying being with them then. Shortly after, it's as if they were reminded that they weren't being crazy, and got that way. They started screaming and pulling on the curtains and ignoring dh and I telling them it was bedtime. The night ended with me yelling at them again and a very abrupt "good night". Dh and I just talked about what an awful day it was and how we're at a loss of how to handle life with them. I told him I feel terrible saying it, but there are times (frequently lately) where I just don't like being around them. And that's a sad feeling, but it's how I feel.

I just pulled out my copy of Connection Parenting and am going to re-read it. I was sleep deprived with a new baby last time I read it. I'm lucky because dh and I are on the same page and he agrees with everything I've read and discussed with him. We know that GD doesn't mean easy. It's the best thing in the long run though. The problem is, I don't feel very GD anymore.









I don't expect them to be perfect, but a lot of the things they do are completely unacceptable. Dh and I are pretty patient people, but those three boys can push our buttons and I think they know it.

Tomorrow is a new day. Sigh.


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## tatermom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
It was a bad bad day here. I woke up to dh yelling at the boys. They were being ridiculous and horrible to him and he (with the patience of a saint) just lost it. Later I was the same way with them. A bit later, dh again. I went in to lay down with one of them and I forced myself to remember when he was a baby. We had a sweet time together. Things were good for the rest of the afternoon. I helped them plant something, they played nicely together. At dinner, I was telling them how nice the meal was and how much I was enjoying being with them then. Shortly after, it's as if they were reminded that they weren't being crazy, and got that way. They started screaming and pulling on the curtains and ignoring dh and I telling them it was bedtime. The night ended with me yelling at them again and a very abrupt "good night". Dh and I just talked about what an awful day it was and how we're at a loss of how to handle life with them. I told him I feel terrible saying it, but there are times (frequently lately) where I just don't like being around them. And that's a sad feeling, but it's how I feel.

I just pulled out my copy of Connection Parenting and am going to re-read it. I was sleep deprived with a new baby last time I read it. I'm lucky because dh and I are on the same page and he agrees with everything I've read and discussed with him. We know that GD doesn't mean easy. It's the best thing in the long run though. The problem is, I don't feel very GD anymore.









I don't expect them to be perfect, but a lot of the things they do are completely unacceptable. Dh and I are pretty patient people, but those three boys can push our buttons and I think they know it.

Tomorrow is a new day. Sigh.









Kristi, I hope tomorrow will be better. Maybe you could start off the morning doing something nice together as a family-- going out to breakfast, staying in bed and having a late morning cuddle, something like that. I really think I need to read Connection Parenting... it sounds like a really helpful book. Good luck!


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## Jannah6

*OkiMom*Apparently I'm in the same boat as you, I'm pregnant, *AGAIN*!!!So, like you my temperment isn't the same. I least I know what the issue is now, so I'll try harder to be a cool head.


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## OkiMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jannah5* 
*OkiMom*Apparently I'm in the same boat as you, I'm pregnant, *AGAIN*!!!So, like you my temperment isn't the same. I least I know what the issue is now, so I'll try harder to be a cool head.

Congrats on the pregnancy! When you due?

Im glad it not only me.. I swear I have no patience anymore and I was known for my patience before (I helped run a church nursery where there was 25-30 kids with one other person). Everyone always thought I never losed my cool but I have been so much lately.. I can't wait to get back home, I think being in my own place will help me cool down since Im really a homebody.
I did do better the last couple days. When I start to feel myself lose it I try to take a break and do something else or play with DD. Usually when she does stuff I don't want her doing it is because Im not paying enough attention to her.


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## Jannah6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OkiMom* 
Congrats on the pregnancy! When you due?

Im glad it not only me.. I swear I have no patience anymore and I was known for my patience before (I helped run a church nursery where there was 25-30 kids with one other person). Everyone always thought I never losed my cool but I have been so much lately.. I can't wait to get back home, I think being in my own place will help me cool down since Im really a homebody.
I did do better the last couple days. When I start to feel myself lose it I try to take a break and do something else or play with DD. Usually when she does stuff I don't want her doing it is because Im not paying enough attention to her.


Congrats on your pregnancy as well. I haven't gone to the Dr. yet, but I'm calculating that I'm due early January. I'm suppossed to have a c-section, so I'll probably have the baby in mid to late December. That's a whole nother story. I'm going to really research getting a VBAC.

I know that I have to make sure that I eat right and get enough rest, so that I'm not cranky.


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## OkiMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jannah5* 
Congrats on your pregnancy as well. I haven't gone to the Dr. yet, but I'm calculating that I'm due early January. I'm suppossed to have a c-section, so I'll probably have the baby in mid to late December. That's a whole nother story. I'm going to really research getting a VBAC.

I know that I have to make sure that I eat right and get enough rest, so that I'm not cranky.

Thanks! DD was born at the end of January. Im due in November but I haven't gone to a docs appointment yet. Im not near where my insurance is taken so I have to wait till I get home..
Try to get rest, Ive noticed the more tired I am the more cranky and less I can handle. Also Ive noticed if Im hungry Im crabby because when I get hungry I start feeling sick.


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## mytwogirls

Just want to say I have been having a better time with my two year old. She and I are now friends again..haha! I just need to stay focused which is hard for me to do. My DH has helped us out a lot with trying to understand everything and why she has tantrums and how to avoid them. It has worked wonders. We are working on several things right now to help us but it is going ok. I feel better and I am sure my LO does too. How is everyone else doing?


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## hipumpkins

I am almost finished reading th book, "raising our children raising oursleves" and I have been applying the validate feelings method and while i still am at a loss at some points it is REALLY working well!!
My kids sense it as well.
This book not only told me that kids need gentleness but it is showing me exactly how do it.
Things are looking good over here. you know...so far


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## jenneology

I'm joining in too. Usually I'm pretty good about the gentle discipline until it gets down to physical pain. I find myself unable to remain calm and gentle when my hair is being pulled, or some other situation where I'm being jumped on, head butted, elbowed or kicked or kneed in the nose or face, all from a very happy, excited and fun loving toddler. I know he's having fun and doesn't mean to hurt me, but it hurts and I want it to stop as quickly as possible and my pain receptors make me less than calm or gentle in order to facilitate that end.

Sigh. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

After I calm down, and get him off of me, I'm generally able to explain to him that he needs to be gentle and loving towards his mama. Other times, I'm so upset I find myself putting distance between us for a few minutes while I can calm down and feel like putting said toddler in my personal space again.


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## Millie Ivy

I am joining in as well!

Yelling is not really my problem that much, except to be heard over the din sometimes.








Plus my 7 and 5.5 year olds will hold me accountable on that one.









I have such an easier time with gentle, non coercive parenting when my kiddos are babies and toddlers than the older ages. And really, one on one we do pretty damn good if I do say so myself. But the f.i.g.h.t.i.n.g. OMG.
I just snap! I am sooo sick of the buggin, whining, fighting, annoying each other. ((And just in case my mother EVER reads this post, yes, I do know I am getting my comeuppance. My brother will too, i am sure.







))

I read that other thread about sibling fighting, but wanted to post here for ongoing accountability with my newer ways to handle it. I so want to help them get along better without handling their problems for them.

So. I am a new mama today. (Ok, my older two are at their fathers until the 15th, but babe just turned 14 months and the fits have started, so I will have enough practicing my patience this month.)

Blessings!


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## carole3

I will like to join. So far day 6 of no yelling.


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## Kama82

I found this thread this morning from the front page of mothering. I would like to join you if anyone is still around. Ironically while I was starting to read the thread my daughter got ahold of a marker and started coloring in the front page of my textbook. I jumped up and snapped at her and yanked the book away. I immediately felt horrible and decided we were both hungry and made us lunch and inspired by this thread I apologized to her for yelling. She said "mama took the book, mama sorry" then she paused and said "I sorry mama I color book".
Inspired by another poster in this thread I went and found a youtube video of the song mama says and danced around with her by way of sealing the apology. Then I was so inspired I got up and did all the dishes!

Thank you ladies for posting your stories. Lately I beat myself up so much over not being the mama I want to be, I feel so useless when I do not meet my own standards. It is good to know I am not the only mama that has to try hard.


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## lindamarie

I too always think of myself as a compassionate parent and in favor of gentile discipline. However there are too many times I can't control myself too! We also do not hit our kids. My own bad behavior came out today tho as my 3 yo dd decided to dart off out of a store (after a particularly difficult morning already) with me chasing after her with my 9 mo old ds bouncing in a sling. By the time I caught up with her I was so angry and desparate for her to stop so I could catch her that I reached out and grabbed onto her hair and pulled it. Partially because it was the only thing I could get a good grip on to catch her and partially because I WANTED to! Afterwards I made her hold my hand and not let go. However, that didn't even seem very "gentile" since she was pulling and tugging me so much I was squishing onto her poor little arm! Oh what a day.


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## hipumpkins

Quote:

I have such an easier time with gentle, non coercive parenting when my kiddos are babies and toddlers than the older ages. And really, one on one we do pretty damn good if I do say so myself. But the f.i.g.h.t.i.n.g. OMG.
I just snap! I am sooo sick of the buggin, whining, fighting, annoying each other. ((And just in case my mother EVER reads this post, yes, I do know I am getting my comeuppance. My brother will too, i am sure. ))

I read that other thread about sibling fighting, but wanted to post here for ongoing accountability with my newer ways to handle it. I so want to help them get along better without handling their problems for them.
That is totally me, too. I can handle it all EXCEPT the constant nit picking and nah nahing at each other. It is their fights that get me crazy.
I know DD is jealous of her little brother. I know he is just copying her. I just don't know how to work through it.
some days they play great and some days not. Am I not even supposed to change it?
I don't know the lesson in that one.


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## Awaken

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bella Babe* 
I have such an easier time with gentle, non coercive parenting when my kiddos are babies and toddlers than the older ages. And really, one on one we do pretty damn good if I do say so myself. But the f.i.g.h.t.i.n.g. OMG.
I just snap! I am sooo sick of the buggin, whining, fighting, annoying each other.

Wow, this is me, word for word! One on one, things are usually great- even when one of them is misbehaving I can use the GD techniques and take time to talk it out with them or whatever they need. But together, it's impossible. If I try to take one aside and spend special time with them when they're needy, they other one begs for my attention and picks on us and gets in our face until we're all upset. I am just totally ineffective with more than one child.

There is a sibling fighting thread?? I have got to find that!

So far so good- things are usually worst when I and DS are tired and we're really busy. Today we're all short on sleep, have been out and rushing around all day, and NO major blowups! It's easier to be calm and handle things well when I'm well rested and fed, but I always blow it when we're physically not doing as well and stressed. So even though it isn't a great day, just getting through it with no yelling or freaking out on my part is a success!!! It's only 4:52pm though, so I have a few more hours to make it!


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## surumita

HI ya'll,

OK, so here are the strategies and techniques that the pros use ("pros" meaning people with Master's and PhD's in child development who work with young children every day and teach others how to do these same things.....and I am actually NOT one of these pros, but I work with them so I learned this through osmosis......thank god I worked with them before having my own kids because we don't actually struggle with discipline as a result.)

1) Learn conflict resolution skills. The book "You Can't Come to My Birthday Party," Published by Redleaf Press is pricey ($25) but is SO WORTH IT. It's pretty repetitive, but by the end you totally have it down. You can do this with children as young as 18 months old. These are strategies that professional mediators use with adults, so you can basically use the same thing with your spouses and teenage children. This is absolutely critical in reducing arguments, temper tantrums, and most importantly, in teaching children how to negotiate conflict themselves.

2) REFLECT REFLECT REFLECT! This is SO important. Just look at your screaming child and say, "Wow, you are SO MAD at mama today! You are SERIOUSLY angry! You are so angry because I did (or didn't) do x, or papa said Y (or whatever). You have a right to be angry! I can see/hear that you are feeling really intensely right now!" Just keep repeating how it appears that they feel until they know that they have been heard. Don't react, don't say ANYTHING except for reflecting verbally how they feel until they calm down.

If you are in the store, just ignore everyone else, just get down at your tantrummy child's level, don't touch them (unless they are getting violent, of course) and say, "You are so angry right now! You are so mad!" Once your child KNOWS in his/her soul that you are THERE and present with them, knows that they are being heard, they will calm down and THEN you can say something like, "I think you are feeling angry because I said that you cannot have the candy bar." Wait for child's response. "It's really hard to want something so much and know that you cannot have it (hugs hugs hugs while you are saying this). It feels really hard and icky, huh?" Depending on your child's age and receptiveness, you can tell them about something you really wanted that you couldn't have, and how you dealt with it.

If they are just whining and it's just driving you crazy, tell your child, "You are whining right now. This hurts mama's ears. I don't like giving you what you ask for when you use that voice because I feel disrespected and annoyed. What's a different way that you can ask me for something? " And then help them practice, make a sing songy game out of this part "If you want X, then ask mama like this: Mama, I would like to have X, please - and then I give you hugs and kisses!." Our two year old no longer whines - it took about 4 months of doing this - but he just turned two he no longer whines!

3) Tell your child (with respectful words but not necessarily in a calm or quiet voice) what the impact of their actions has on you.

"When you do/say X (the observation), I assume you are trying to do Y (what you THINK the person is doing), and it makes mama feel like Z (feelings)! Is that what you intend (let the person respond)?"

These things do not necessarily have to be quietly or calmly communicated - if you are feeling upset or angry, use a loud voice. It's not the LOUDNESS that's harmful, it's the contempt and disrespect - the words you say and the tone that you say them that does the damage. I have definitely yelled things like, "OH MY GOD- WHEN YOU USE YOUR VOICE LIKE THIS I ASSUME YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME ANGRY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO DISRESPECTED/ANGRY/CRAZY!

IS THAT WHAT YOU INTEND? (This works for young children as well as spouses, by the way).

4) Time out doesn't work. It' manipulative, so don't even try it. It only makes the child worried about the punishment, but not about the actual action. A time out is not a natural consequence. And it's a power struggle. The only time the phrase "time out" should be used is when you say, "You know what? Mama needs a time out. Let's stop for a minute and take a breather. Change course."

Natural consequences - if milk is spilled, then the child cleans it up. If child breaks something, then the child needs to fix it (with help, of course). If child bites/hits/kicks/etc, say "Biting hurts. I don;t want to be around you when you bite. If you do this again, I will put you down/stop playing with you, etc." If they do it again, abruptly get up and walk away )or put child down). Crying will probably ensue, after a minute or two, come back and say, "You are feeling upset because mama put you down (say this until child is calm). Mama put you down because you bit mama and it hurt. When you feel like you need to bite, what can you do instead of biting mama? You can bite this bear (etc.) Let's practice."

5) Following through with fair boundaries is also critical, of course. AND it's even better for parents who have spouses/partners to both be on the same page with what those boundaries should be. But at the same time, it's important to be willing to negotiate those boundaries as they get older. Our kids are ALWAYS ahead of us on this one. Sometimes, the root of our conflicts has to do with the fact that we are still operating on our kids' development from 6 months ago, but they develop so quickly that it's hard for us to keep pace with them (in terms of what we allow them and teach them to do).

6) good nutrition and exercise. Wow my kids are NUTS - SERIOUSLY CRAZY if someone gives them M&M's. It has to be the dyes in those things, because our kids DO eat chocolate fairly regularly without acting like they have ADHD.

7) And probably the most important thing that I realized is that my role is to help them and guide them - it's NOT to get myself all wrapped up in their mental world. I love them dearly, but there is nothing that they can say or do that would make me feel offended, because it's not about ME. It's about THEM. Their development is about THEM, and my own issues about feeling offended or whatever is just an immature reaction that I may have to their developmental stage. Once that realization is fully integrated, it's just liberating as a parent, and it makes things so much easier and delightful....and humorous It also really helps to end conflicts sooner, because there are no power struggles, no personal emotions getting in the way of your child's emotional development.

Oh yeah - single parents - I do NOT know what I would do without my husband to take over sometimes. I am very fortunate in this area which helps a LOT. I have heard of single parents entering into cooperative living arrangements with other single parents/friends or whatever to be able to play this role of stepping in when you get into "touched out freak out mode." Having another person around - whoever that person is - is SO important to balancing out those emotional peaks that we all have. speaking of which....this may sound odd, but I also think that taking fish oil is also really helpful. Apparently the EU is doing some research into the effects of fish oil on mood disorders and I have to say that my personal experience with this has been great. I personally feel a lot more balanced and emotionally calm, and I believe that my kids are as well, because we take fish oil. Of course, this last point isn't based on much, but I really believe it helps a lot.


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## hipumpkins

Quote:

2) REFLECT REFLECT REFLECT! This is SO important. Just look at your screaming child and say, "Wow, you are SO MAD at mama today! You are SERIOUSLY angry! You are so angry because I did (or didn't) do x, or papa said Y (or whatever). You have a right to be angry! I can see/hear that you are feeling really intensely right now!" Just keep repeating how it appears that they feel until they know that they have been heard. Don't react, don't say ANYTHING except for reflecting verbally how they feel until they calm down.
that works with my son but it has NEVER worked with my DD. she hates having her feelings mirrored back to her.
I remember once she was little toddler in the car seat and having a terrible time. Ii was doing the "good mommy" reflecting and she was not enjoying it. finally I said, "Johanna I am trying to help what do you need?"
She said, "Stop talking"
So I did.
and she wailed for a bit more than was done.


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## mariamaroo

Oh, thank you mamas for being here! I'm going to try to come back and check in here every day, because that sense of fellowship is so crucial to me maintaining my perspective and composure.

I have been having a really hard time lately with dd (4 1/2 yo). She's been non-responsive, doing the opposite of what I'm asking, speaking rudely and disrespectfully to me &#8230; generally being a real pain!

There are a lot of extenuating factors: She's got Lyme disease and may not feel that well and is having to take medicine a lot and have ticks removed, blood drawn, etc., so she's feeling a loss of control (in addition to the lack of control that everyone feels at that age!), her year of preschool is ending and she is not going back next year because we're homeschooling AND, because we're moving. Plus her great-grandfather died a couple of months ago.

So there are lots of reasons for us both to be stressed and edgy, but I have to say this has been a trend for a pretty long time in our relationship. Friends have talked to me about being uncomfortable with how she talks to me at times, and it's getting hard to go to family gatherings with her because it becomes all about button-pushing.

I really want to get back on track now and stop these forming patterns before they become more ingrained, but I am at a loss about how to respond in those moments, and what to do. I fall back on intolerance, time-out, threats (though they're pretty vague because I don't feel like I have much ammunition&#8230. I know perfectly well that these responses don't really help, but I start feeling like a doormat and I'm worried about everyone's judgement of my parenting, and that we're on a path leading to bad boundaries and Trouble. Whatever that may be.

As a single mama I feel really isolated and I don't get breaks. Without a third personality in the mix, all her limits-testing, independence-seeking, envelope-pushing has nowhere else to go but onto me, and vice versa. I have a hard time consistently being the grownup in the situation, which is good for no one.

AND she is another one who HATES having her feelings mirrored back to her. She gets enraged and insulted and just YELLS. I don't know if maybe I need to stick with it a little farther and get through the intensity so she can see that we can go through it, but in the past it sure seems like it makes things worse not better.

Anyway, I'd love any feedback, info, support, help you great mamas can give, and I'm going to try and come back and check in every day!


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## LindyLou

Yikes, I just stumbled on this thread and I really need it. I just yelled and kicked my kids out of the kitchen and yelled at Lily for asking to go outside for the millionth time.

Marissa just found some brand new dolls, that are in a box to be donated and now she is incessantly whining about them. She is now calling me "bad" She already has 9698759765 dolls that she does not play with, she does not need these.


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## Cujobunny

Having kind of a bad day today. I woke up about 2 hours earlier than usual this morning to DH angry and telling ds to go back into his bed. Ds had gotten up at 5am so dh took him pee then went with him to sleep in his bed. DH got up at 630 to go to work and apparently ds spit in his face. Good morning. So then ds came into bed with me and I asked him why he did that, he said he was upset that daddy keeps leaving him









We've not had a great day since then. I tried to take us outside to play but it's actually quite cold and damp out and we all wanted to come right back in. Dd is fighting her naps and getting overtired, I'm tired and cranky and ds talks.non.stop. He wants my help with something, then yells at me, snatches it away, interrupts what I'm trying to say... It's all wearing me out. I had dd nursed to sleep in the rocking chair in my room, and ds came in and started talking and it woke her right up, she was excited to see him and would not go back to sleep. I put dd on the floor with some toys and tried to go into the washroom to pee by myself and ds came to the door and started crying because he "wanted to see what I was doing". Argh.

So I got down on his level and explained that we were all tired and cranky. I needed a few minutes of quiet time because my brain was feeling scrambled and what did he want to do for a few minutes by himself so mommy could have some quiet time. Of course he picked watch tv but I really don't care.

So now they're both upstairs watching Curious George and I put a coffee on for myself and came here to check in. Yes my 10mo is watching tv. Just get through today. Tomorrow will be better.

ETA writing that and rereading it just made me feel so much better already. Once the caffeine kicks in I should be ok, especially if it warms up this afternoon, I'll stick dd in the mei tai and we'll head out.


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## columbusmomma

thanks for your post surumita!


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## DavinaT

I haven't readall the posts but really want to sub and lend my two cents.
I now have auditory hypersensory issues (medical related) so I do not - cannot yell - unless someone is in imminent danger but becuase of the aud-hyp issues when yelling ensus - even whrn my beloved and li'l ones get exciting playing a game I HAVE to leave the room. So I don't yell.
And on more thna one occasion have stoped the car whan thwir yellign got too far past my comfort level - noit as punbishement but beucase I had to.
But when I get really angry and frustrated I end up hitting the counter, wall or stomping which is NOT good moddling but stops me attempting roughly pull or grab them. Awful I know.








My beloved, to stop himself yelling will go a lift weights (mini gym setup in a back shed) or water the flowers - odd combination I know.
I like what another poster said about raindrops and hailstones but one thing I will not stress about is clothes - especially with teens. They can wear whatever they like as long as its clean and they do actually wear Something.


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## mariag

subbing b/c I am working so hard to do better...no yelling, no guilit, no threats....so much easier to plan than do when ds attacks dd for the 5th time and baby is screaming....ahh...today he said "mom, stop the angryness" when I raised my voice at him and ds after they threw all their food and refused to help clean up







feel SO bad. lack of sleep and high stress are a reality right now, I need strength to do better and give more...back to read the posts now....


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## Surfacing

Still here too. Ups and downs.







:


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## elizawill

what a great thread! i'm so glad i actually read it now!!!! i can totally relate. i HATE when i yell!!! i just HATE it!!! it infuriates me, and i get so mad at myself!!! but it seems when i yell it is the only time my kids know "oh wow, mom means it". i'm easy going and a bit of a self-confessed push-over ..... i feel like too often i'm like...."_okay guys i mean it ...for real now_...then they don't listen & it will eventually escalate to me yelling, "LISTEN TO ME". then i go into self-loathing mode for yelling (AGAIN!). my kids rock!! i adore them. we are together 24/7 though literally and my dh works.all.of.the.time. i'm glad i can come here and get inspired and use ideas to regroup. i have some great tips saved on my desktop by lilygrace....i need to print those out again as a refresher course!!









anyway - GREAT thread!!!!


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## Alicia's mom

Thank you so much. I have been really stuggling to not yell lately- this didn't used to ever be an issue. I know that I am under more stress lately and feel horribly guilty. I love the idea of a check in.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!


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## Awaken

just wanted to offer you a hug. Sounds like a rough day. I have had many like that, where it just starts out wrong and stays that way all day! Good for you for taking a break, even if it means tv for a few minutes, a sane mommy is more important.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
Having kind of a bad day today. I woke up about 2 hours earlier than usual this morning to DH angry and telling ds to go back into his bed. Ds had gotten up at 5am so dh took him pee then went with him to sleep in his bed. DH got up at 630 to go to work and apparently ds spit in his face. Good morning. So then ds came into bed with me and I asked him why he did that, he said he was upset that daddy keeps leaving him









We've not had a great day since then. I tried to take us outside to play but it's actually quite cold and damp out and we all wanted to come right back in. Dd is fighting her naps and getting overtired, I'm tired and cranky and ds talks.non.stop. He wants my help with something, then yells at me, snatches it away, interrupts what I'm trying to say... It's all wearing me out. I had dd nursed to sleep in the rocking chair in my room, and ds came in and started talking and it woke her right up, she was excited to see him and would not go back to sleep. I put dd on the floor with some toys and tried to go into the washroom to pee by myself and ds came to the door and started crying because he "wanted to see what I was doing". Argh.

So I got down on his level and explained that we were all tired and cranky. I needed a few minutes of quiet time because my brain was feeling scrambled and what did he want to do for a few minutes by himself so mommy could have some quiet time. Of course he picked watch tv but I really don't care.

So now they're both upstairs watching Curious George and I put a coffee on for myself and came here to check in. Yes my 10mo is watching tv. Just get through today. Tomorrow will be better.

ETA writing that and rereading it just made me feel so much better already. Once the caffeine kicks in I should be ok, especially if it warms up this afternoon, I'll stick dd in the mei tai and we'll head out.


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## kangamitroo

ugh. dd woke me more than an hour eaarlier than usual. my worst days are always when i did not get enough sleep. even if i make a mental note "be extra gentle" yikes. my biology takes over or something.

we had the history repeating itself moment, where i was my mom and dd was me: "don't use that voice with me!" "but Mom!" "what did i just say?" "MOM!!!"

awful. if she uses an angry voice i feel like she must have got it from me. i start the self-flagellation (no, of course not literally







)

so it's just goos to know i'm not alone. trying. not doing so hot. trying again.


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## mariag

i am in the middle of a bad night and posting so that I don't scream or slam doors...ok...back to try agian.


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## hipumpkins

Do you ever read Catherine Newman?

This is from her latest post: (bolding mine)

Quote:

"Mama, watch!" Birdy has wedged herself now between me and my sewing, cuddling close and looking up into my face with her round brown calf's eyes, and I feel my heart beat more quietly; *I feel the shawl of motherly patience drop lightly around my shoulders again*.
Isn't that beautiful?

the whole article is found here:
http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-p.../06022008.html


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## becoming

I am having a really bad time lately, mamas.

I'm starting to think I need to talk to my doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds or something. Think I'm going to head over to Health & Healing and try to find some alternatives before going that route.








:


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## hipumpkins

becoming


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## becoming

hipumpkins, we ARE going to write back to your daughter. I am so sorry we have put that off for so long. We were looking for postcards, but there are none to be found anywhere in our town. I'm getting DS to write the letter in the morning, and we'll mail it on Monday.

Thanks for the hug.


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## veronicalynne

Id like to join too.... i keep meaning to turn a new page and become a better mama and those 3 u mentioned i have trouble with....


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## hipumpkins

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
hipumpkins, we ARE going to write back to your daughter. I am so sorry we have put that off for so long. We were looking for postcards, but there are none to be found anywhere in our town. I'm getting DS to write the letter in the morning, and we'll mail it on Monday.

Thanks for the hug.

Take your time...they have years to be pen pals.


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## nick&jonmom

I'm in too. I go to bed every night telling myself that tomorrow I'll do better and then it turns out to be like any other day. I too feel like I've been battling this for years to no avail. OK, I'm better then I was but still need lots of improvement!


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## elizawill

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I am having a really bad time lately, mamas.

I'm starting to think I need to talk to my doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds or something. Think I'm going to head over to Health & Healing and try to find some alternatives before going that route.








:

i take "bach rescue remedy" which is a homeopathic thing to help with stress. it works good for me. hth.


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## milkmommie

Subbing and joining in! I have to admit that I yell, and shame, and pinch, and push, and slam things. I imagine myself as this peaceful, attachment Momma....and then there's the reality. It's so frustrating because I know I can do it, I just can't seem to keep it up. They know just what buttons to push and I go over the edge again.
I am working on my CBE certification and considering midwifery so I have a PILE of books that I need to be studying but maybe someone can suggest a good GD book that I can start with....if you could reccomend just ONE GD book, what would it be?
I'll probably be back a lot as I try to change and be patient with myself all at the same time. And thank you for everyone's honesty here!~!







I've already experienced a change in myself by just reading this thread and rethinking my attitudes with my kids.


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## hipumpkins

"Raising our children raising ourselves"
Because it goes beyond what to do. It goes beyond what not to do...it shows you how to deal with that self talk and shows you how to question everything you believe your children *should* be doing.

I believe in the other books, like Alfie Kohn but it is too much theory as someone else once said and not enough details of how to get it done.

This one addresses the underlying of why YOU feel one way and how to change from the inside.

It is really working for me.


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## marieangela

Subbing. I need to go back and read all of this thread. I've been having a really rough time with my 5 year old lately. Yelling is my main issue, but I guess that includes anger (and guiliting and threatening happen, too). I used to be such a calm and mellow person and now I don't even recognize myself sometimes. I read all of these parenting books and have great ideas in my head of how to handle things, but when certain situations arise it is all out the window and I am infuriated. I hate that about myself and really want to work to change it.

I notice a lot of talk of 3 year olds and my almost 3 year old has always been more of a challenge than my 5 year old, but in the midst of all of the things my almost 3 year old does, it's my 5 year old that really pushes my buttons.


----------



## lovemyfamily6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
Take your time...they have years to be pen pals.









How did you go about finding a pen pal for your daughter? My son is 6 1/2 and loves to write and get mail, but generally doesn't have anyone to write to except Grandma and Grandpa. He would love that!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
i take "bach rescue remedy" which is a homeopathic thing to help with stress. it works good for me. hth.









Is this okay while breastfeeding? I saw it at the hfs, but it said if breastfeeding to consult a doctor. I asked my doctor and she didn't know. They have a spray that has alcohol (I think) and then tablets that don't have alcohol. Is one better than the other?

So, I think I had an epiphany of sorts tonight. I'm not sure if this will make sense, but here goes. I've been really stressed out for pretty much the last year or more. I was on bedrest with the last pregnancy, then dh went back to work when he was two weeks old and worked seven days a week except for our boys birthday parties, Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas and New Year's Day until March. So I was with a 5 then 6 year old, twin 4 year olds and an infant for 10 months. Our oldest started kindergarten this year so I also had the added responsibility of picking him up from school, packing his lunch, etc. I work part time. We're vegan, so take out isn't really an option for us as there is very little takeout food that is okay health wise. Now we have summer activities. T-ball, swim lessons, preschool for summer, day camp one day a week for the oldest...plus an active soon to be walking 13 month old. Our house is a mess. I'm usually very organized and things are in order, but I've really struggled with that since the last pregnancy and haven't regained my schedule of cleaning.

I'm not sure if anyone of you read my thread I posted tonight about where to start with GD, but my most recent post is about the wonderful, spontaneous time I had with my kids tonight. It was pure joy. I skipped the cleaning I should have been doing and I played with them.

It finally occurred to me that maybe I'm going about this all wrong. There's a long list of things that I *should* be doing. Cleaning the house, laundry, making good meals, etc. But when I get stressed about those things, the first thing that slips is how I treat my kids. I love them more than anything in the world, yet I'm unkind to them almost every day at some point. I talk to them in a way that would so piss me off if someone else talked to them that way. I don't have a right to do that because they're *my* kids. I gave birth to them. They are every bit as deserving of respect as anyone else though. So, my epiphany was this. Maybe I need to pick one thing and do it well. Maybe I should not worry about the house so much. I mean, obviously we can't let it get disgusting, but if we have clean clothes, IS it as big of a deal as I make it if they aren't hung up? Does it really matter if the boys bathroom is cleaned every Monday afternoon and the house is dusted, and dh and my bathroom is cleaned on Tuesday and the upstairs is vacuumed on Wednesday, downstairs on Thursday, mopped on Friday? Or can we pick a couple things, like the kitchen needs to be clean, house picked up and cat litter box taken care of daily and let the other things slide? If I'm doing a bath, I can clean a bathroom. If I'm on the phone, I can dust. Stuff like that. Does it really matter if my kids ask for cereal for dinner and I give it to them? Do I need to beat myself up about not preparing a better dinner a couple times a week? I guess I'm thinking that spending this precious time with my little ones is so amazing, and I'm wasting it by worrying about stuff that will still be there tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, in ten years. My mom keeps telling me that dust will keep. I always roll my eyes and tell her not at my house. But you know what? I'm willing to bet that if I focus most of my energy on those kids and meeting their needs physically and emotionally, I'm going to see some real improvement. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel really full of hope like this could be an answer I'm looking for. Maybe it's obvious to some, it has just taken me a long time to get here.


----------



## elizawill

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
Is this okay while breastfeeding? I saw it at the hfs, but it said if breastfeeding to consult a doctor. I asked my doctor and she didn't know. They have a spray that has alcohol (I think) and then tablets that don't have alcohol. Is one better than the other?


i take the drops. i don't know about taking it while breastfeeding though. i honestly have no idea if it even "truly" works or if it has a placebo effect on me....i don't care either way though. it helps. ask at health and healing about what you can take while breastfeeding - those ladies know it all


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## Maggirayne

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
If you think about what you _actually_ want things to look like, it will begin to come to fruition. Avoid thoughts that play up your mistakes or bad days... refer to those moments more like: "I _used_ to have a real problem with yelling and threatening, etc, but _NOW_ I'm committed to being a calm and peaceful person, and it's getting better everyday."

Some of us were not gently parented, and the knee-jerk response is often based on what we know on a cellular, experienced-based level.

In order to brush up on how one goes to school, when I went back, I took this course called "Study Skills." In the course of a few months we studied a variety of learning styles. And we discussed how the brain learns and stores learned information. Whatever we learn creates a neural trace, like a path through grass. If no one uses the path, the grass comes back and eventually it's like there was never a path there.

My idea is this: I want to create so many positive experiences, to absorb through books, threads like this, conferences on parenting, classes, friendships with other like-minded-moms, that my _positive_ view of parenting dd becomes like a highway... out-moding the knee-jerk responses created by how _I_ were parented.

So please excuse me for being so totally long-winded and slightly hijacking the thread. I learned in the "Study Skills" class that my learning language is reciting/teaching. That's how I learn best... That combined with my passion for child-psychology, the deep desire to out-mode what I 'learned' from Mom, and this thread being so wonderfully timed, have all driven me to ramp up my efforts and research more, and such...

Thank you for the opportunity to share and learn with you guys.

Wow, yeah, I have never wanted to spank, told my mom she shouldn't spank me. I wanted desperately for her to listen to me. I still have a lot of anger at her, it erupt terribly when we're together more than 3 days. She is coming to visit me in a few weeks and might end up staying for a couple weeks if my dad has to travel for work. Which since they haven't seen DD(13 mos) since last July, it is really cool, but I don't know how I will stay calm. But I can use the same language with her as I do with DD and verbalize and model the behaviour I want. She hasn't gotten GD yet. Well, kinda. She gets how important it is because I said we would not leave DD with her if they were going to spank. It simply is not an option.

So anyway, I knew what you described above subconsciously, of course, I sound just like my mom when I'm angry. And I've wanted to 'get' why and _stop it_. So thank you for sharing that. And that's the way I am too. D

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
when i start to feel rage i do this "thing" from a yoga workshop i took. i kept finding myself stamping my feet and slapping the wall (ouch!) and i didn't want to model that anymore but i also felt like i needed some sort of "release", at least until i can stop the rage from swelling in the first place, like hipumpkins was talking about. so i breathe out, kind of forcefully, and then i clench my hands (HARD) and then stretch them open as wide as i can, over and over in rapid succession and then, stay with me, here, i'm getting pretty woo-woo, after about ten seconds of doing the open-and-close-hand thing i stop, hold my hands at waist level like they are wrapped around a small beach ball - fingertips just a few inches away from each other. you can really feel the energy between your hands. no for real. then i try to release it. imagine it glass and let it smash to the floor; let it float away; literally take it to the door and lock it out. out.
so that's my woo-woo thing i do and i'm only telling you all because if there is a teeny tiny chance that someone else could read it and feel like i do after reading your thoughts then it's worth typing it out.

You know, I've wondered what can I do when I am so angry and so full of the anger. I've pounded the bed with my heels (those nights when DD has to nurse and crawl away or kick my crotch or the bedrail and knock things off the bed, or is banging my face with her head). I know she isn't doing these things intentionally, but shew, it sets *me* off. AndI hate being angry at her. My initial response is to hit back. Not good.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I thought of something else that I learned from another mama a while back and had forgotten. She was giving me a Mary Kay makeover, and while we were playing pretty face, her 2-year-old tore into all her products and broke a couple of tubes of her lipstick. She took one look at the mess, and I braced myself to hear her scream at him. Instead, she very calmly got down eye-level with him and went, "Grrrr, Joshua" in a very playful way. I thought that was a great way to blow off steam and let the child know she was upset without crushing his little soul by screaming at him.

That's really great. I forgot what it was, but I did something like that with the 3 yo I babysit. He pushes/kicks my DD, and wow, does that make me mad!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
PrennaMama, I don't like the "if" stuff, either, and I do it SO much. It feels like threatening to me, even if the conditions make sense. I would love to hear some thoughts about how to move away from the If's.

I know what you mean, how else do you express natural consequences?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
I have gone as far as to tell dd my oath... "I am working toward being a peaceful, calm, quiet mama with nothing but hugs, kisses, and support."

I used that tonight... she gets this (if she were a bleedin' woman, I'd use the term bit*hy) attitude with me, where she just _glares_ and _growls_ and _snarls_, and is all venomous and says things like: "Just *s t o p* *i t*, _Mom_. _Don't_ talk to me, _anymore!_"









I wanna snap and throttle her, Homer Simpson-style. So I said, "You know, dd, I told you I really am working hard on being a peaceful and loving mama who doesn't have to yell to talk to you. When you make mean faces and say hard words to me, I feel like yelling at you. Do you like it when mama yells at you?"

"_No..._" she sneered.

"I really just like being respectful and calm. You seem really angry. I'll be ready to talk with you when I have calmed down, or when you can talk to me nicely."

She quietly said, "ok..."

Shortly she was all over me with kisses and hugs and I love you's and the newest one, "You are a great mommy. You're the best!"

Nice thing dh loves it, too, and oft jokes "Think she'll still come snuggle with you when she's in her 40's?"









Wow, what a turnaround for her!

What a wonderful sweet thing for your DH to say! If only people who don't CS could really see how wonderful it is!(I know not for everyone, but ppl who just think it interrupts your private time, whatever.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
I am noticing a lot of posts which state things like:
this thread is helping me so much, you are all in my back pocket...

I want to say about that: It helps so much just to admit that you aren't the best mama in the world but that you want to be.

Doesn't it?

This is why I think it is so important to do something concrete if you really want to stop for good. I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it. And then, you can't remember how to parent without it.

So, you have to tell someone. You have to admit your big scary secret. When you do, you find that a lot of moms hold the same feelings inside. It is easier to parent with a witness, imo. How interesting that we can be virtual witnesses for each other.

Sometimes when things have hit the wall (oh, say there is honey on the floor and water from the dog dish has been used to wash a stuffed cat and someone just cut the phonebook into 50 billion pieces...), I think to myself:
"no one would handle this. This is unacceptable. They deserve punishment for this mess." So, I might call someone or if my dh is home, tell him. Just saying it helps me see the humor of it, then it is harder to yell or be mad.

For what its worth, I used to yell probably 25 times a day, even at the dog, or at myself. My language was atrocious. I would just get so mad and it would fill me up. I can not say I never lose my temper anymore, but I honestly do not do it more than once or twice a month (I bet you can guess what time of month that is...)

Only to say, it is a fight worth fighting. It really can be won.

*Hipumpkins*; Song I sing, from my time as a camp counsellor a long time ago. Did anyone sing this song?:

I'm going crazy, won't you come along, I'm going crazy, just singing this song. Oh, once I had a kitty cat and all he ate was yarn, and when those little kittens came, they came with mittens on ... I'm going crazy....

Also,

hit the road jack -- to get the boys moving.
don't cry for me argentina --- i don't know why, it just helps sometimes with the pity party of parenthood.

It does help tremendously to know you're not the only one. I certainly can't admit to anyone who's non-GD/AP that I have urges to hit. "Oh that means you should." No, I haven't gotten that, but I would not be surprised.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
In the past week my kids have playing together like best friends. 2 peas in pod.
could this be the result of mommy calming down so the kids have calmed down?

We have had small non sharing incidents but they were over as quickly as they started with mommy remembering not to yell









Wow, wonderful for you!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Me, too! I wish I could hear the sounds of glass breaking, though.









My DH has this toy that his brothers gave him, it's the Y2K bug that makes a crashing/glass-breaking sound when you drop it on the floor. It's quite the hit around here with kids who come to visit.


----------



## ryleeee

ugh. i'm late, but i'm in.


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## Awaken

Thanks for all the great posts- they've helped me so much. Trying to implement some changes here. It's hard, and I want things to be better right away, but I have to realize it takes time, and every small step makes a difference. I really beat myself up when I do one thing "wrong".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily6* 
I'm willing to bet that if I focus most of my energy on those kids and meeting their needs physically and emotionally, I'm going to see some real improvement. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel really full of hope like this could be an answer I'm looking for. Maybe it's obvious to some, it has just taken me a long time to get here.









That's great! I think you're on the right track and wish you the best in implementing those ideas! I totally agree. What I haven't come to terms with yet is when I spend the entire day (or week) just focused on meeting their needs and building positive memories with them, so don't do all that other household work, and we then have no clean clothes to wear so getting dressed in the morning is stressful, or there is no dinner cooked day after day, or the kitchen is so crowded with dirty dishes that I can't even get to where I can cook anything! Balancing it all can be hard.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniey* 
I want to say about that: It helps so much just to admit that you aren't the best mama in the world but that you want to be.

Doesn't it?

This is why I think it is so important to do something concrete if you really want to stop for good. I honestly believe that yelling and threatening and even hitting (or maybe even thinking about it, or just being too rough) is an ADDICTION. The more you do it, the more you do it, the more you do it. And then, you can't remember how to parent without it.

So, you have to tell someone. You have to admit your big scary secret. When you do, you find that a lot of moms hold the same feelings inside. It is easier to parent with a witness, imo. How interesting that we can be virtual witnesses for each other.

Wow- thanks for this. Very powerful.


----------



## Awaken

Uh oh, it looks like I'm a thread killer!

This one is too good to lose- just wanted to bump it up and see how everyone's doing.

Things are improved here. I don't know if it's anything I'm doing especially "right", or if we're just in a more calm phase. I just hope it lasts, whatever it is!


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## PrennaMama

Hi sistas! I took a couple months off MDC while I adjusted to my new schedule... but I never forgot about this thread or this group of awesome-mamas-getting-better-everyday. I have used the gems found here often, and am happy to report that the effects on dd of my chilling out and being more peaceful are huge! She has calmed down so much!

I came on and posted a thread the otherr day about what I've been doing lately...

I'm using the Virtues Project in parenting now.... teaching children's classes t a day-camp for the Virtues Project.

Will you please check out the thread and give me your feedback?

Thanks







:

Virtues Parenting-blending all my fave philosophies


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## hipumpkins

Ok every now and then I come up with off the wall ways to diffus a situartion and help myself not yell (I am not always successful) today however was the craziest.
The kids were fighting over blocks (do I even type out the situation??) anyway the yelling the screaming...then *whack* somebody got hit. (not by me ;p)
So in my heqaad I was screaming STOP IT
but I didn't say it outloud. Instead I had them put thier feet together and play bicycle. They thought it was funny and I talked to each one about thier part in the fight. All the while they played bicycle








I thought for some reason they needed a physical connection to each other and I don't do the, "hug and make up" thing









do you have any weird things you've done in the heat of the moment?

Another weird one is I yell, "corners" and both kids run to corner. Not like go to the corner but more like boxers who need a break. They think it's fun to run off ..however in a big fight the 3 year old wont always go.


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## mija y mijo

I'm so happy this thread is being revived! I was looking for it the other day.

I'm reading Unconditional Parenting right now and it is so eye opening. I'm having a hard time implementing it with DD, though. I do great until I get annoyed or run out of patience and then I resort back to my old ways. Sometimes I feel like a completely different parent with DS. Maybe because he is so young? I have such unlimited patience and understanding with him. With DD I think I expect too much and her attitude pushes my buttons at times. UGH. If I could only apply what Unconditional Parenting is teaching me ALL THE TIME...


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## hipumpkins

My biggest problem with UP is that the book is big on theory but doesn't give you a lot of tools to implement it.
Books that give actual new ideas are, "Easy to love difficult to discpline" and I LOVE Naomi aldort, "Raising our children raisin ourselves" She speaks directly to that self doubting talk in your head.


----------



## mija y mijo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
My biggest problem with UP is that the book is big on theory but doesn't give you a lot of tools to implement it.
Books that give actual new ideas are, "Easy to love difficult to discpline" and I LOVE Naomi aldort, "Raising our children raisin ourselves" She speaks directly to that self doubting talk in your head.

I'm not finished with UP so I was hoping there would be some more concrete suggestions on how to deal with certain situations towards the end - guess I'm out of luck there.

Thank you for the suggestions, I'll see if our library has the Naomi Aldort book.


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## KatherineD

I haven't read all of this, but I just want to say that it has totally helped me. I have printed out some stuff for my fridge and I am keeping a constant reminder to be a calming force in my girls' life. Thank you all, I know you have helped me


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## OkiMom

Im beginning to think someone is giving my kid sugar or something behind my back. They aren't, no one is home but me, however she will turn from sweet little girl to an absolute terror in like a minute. I think it relates to how tired she is though. It usually happens around her nap time and bedtime. The later it gets the more hyper she gets. Anyone else have children that do that? Or am I just losing what little brain I have left?

Ive been doing ok but Im still really struggling with yelling. DD has taken to ignoring me when I tell her not to do something. I was reading a church magizine and it was saying not to use to word no but to replace it with something else. For example if the child wants a cookie try to give them something you actually want them to have instead. Or if they can have it later tell them that. Ive been trying to say no less since DD usually gets upset when I tell her no, its just hard.
Today Ive been doing pretty well. DD keeps climbing ontop of me and yanking on my hair and I haven't yelled yet. Ive came close but instead I bite my tongue (literally) and stopped her. Hopefully I can get better before the next baby comes (only 15 weeks before my due date)


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## honeysesame

argh can i just vent? i feel like i've been doing pretty well in general but today i got so triggered by ds wanting to do everything w/ his cousin with so much urgency, slightly tantrumy and difficulty separating and i was getting mildly frustrated and then trying to back off and calmly (w/ good natured good faith effort, or so i thought) explain to them my point of view (which admittedly i'd already given) when ds starts saying to me in a very rude way "shut up." which triggered me more and i started to respond, and he kept repeating it so then i got mad and said well you guys absolutely can't have a playdate later (which they'd asked for) and then ds starts to scream and punch and hit me. he's six and i just feel like he's too old for that s***. gosh we sound horrible! then he came inside and we hugged and talked and forgave each other but i definitely need some different skills.... problem is, in the moment i get *triggered* i can't seem to access them. try taking deep breaths smts but not enough i think. would the naomi aldort book help me here? thanks for listening.... i feel better now.


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## hipumpkins

I am right now reading a great book called, "raising a thinking child"

The nice thing is it is giving me some word games to play with my kids (which DD is enjoying very much and so is DS) the word games teach kids how to work thier own struggles.
I have not finished it but it was written in the 90's IIRC and so far it seems on the gentle side. (If I run across any, "if it doesn't work smack 'em" I'll take back all my praise)


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## hipumpkins

Quote:

would the naomi aldort book help me here?
I think, "yes" b/c she talks about being triggered and how to talk yourself down first before speaking to your child.


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## jenneology

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OkiMom* 
Im beginning to think someone is giving my kid sugar or something behind my back. They aren't, no one is home but me, however she will turn from sweet little girl to an absolute terror in like a minute. I think it relates to how tired she is though. It usually happens around her nap time and bedtime. The later it gets the more hyper she gets. Anyone else have children that do that? Or am I just losing what little brain I have left?

Ive been doing ok but Im still really struggling with yelling. DD has taken to ignoring me when I tell her not to do something. I was reading a church magizine and it was saying not to use to word no but to replace it with something else. For example if the child wants a cookie try to give them something you actually want them to have instead. Or if they can have it later tell them that. Ive been trying to say no less since DD usually gets upset when I tell her no, its just hard.
Today Ive been doing pretty well. DD keeps climbing ontop of me and yanking on my hair and I haven't yelled yet. Ive came close but instead I bite my tongue (literally) and stopped her. Hopefully I can get better before the next baby comes (only 15 weeks before my due date)


I think I may have read that article. I was pondering it tonight while I was chasing my exhausted 18 month old around JC Penney's. Interestingly enough, he was doing that EXACT same thing that you were describing: the "The later it gets the more hyper he/she gets" thing. Our Chunka has been doing that since he learned how to walk. Most of the time I encourage it for a little while as a means to get the last bit of energy out before bed, and then he crashes and sleeps well. From the date on your siggie, yours and mine are 2 days apart.

The thing about that article: sometimes you just have to say no. But there are many instances when people could say something in a positive way. Like you said about the cookie, its easy to redirect a child to something different, if you know what the child is interested in. Like today, Chunka wanted lunch but it was cooking and it would be another 20 minutes before it was ready to eat. We offered a cracker in the mean time, he didn't want that, so instead we distracted him with a balloon and then some toys. In that case, it worked and we were able to get lunch ready without having to tell him a million times, No its not ready yet. I hope that gives some ideas for how to not say no, and find ways to say yes. I was actually really happy to see that tip in the magazine because its a concept that I was introduced to me when I started my ECE degree. That was one skill I went into motherhood with and as toddlerhood has progressed, I've been practicing!


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## Fiddlemom

I'm in--wow, how many of us are there now?
nice thread!


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## tatermom

I feel like I had been doing well the past few weeks, but this week I'm falling back into old habits. I said some things to DS1 tonight that were just so mean, and I heard myself saying them and was thinking "what an awful thing for a mother to say to her child" but still couldn't stop them from coming out of my mouth. It was really the tone of my voice, not so much the things I said that was so awful... like I was utterly disgusted with DS. He's 3! How can I treat him like that!? I really need to focus on some positive connection with him and in keeping myself calm even when I'm tired at the end of the day. He's a really good, sweet kid, and I feel like I come down so hard on him whenever he does something "wrong". I don't want to be like that with him! I'm worried I'm going to create a kid who is afraid to do anything wrong at home because he'll set off his mom's bad temper.







He should be free to make mistakes sometimes! And poor DS2 is witness to all of this... who knows how he'll turn out!









Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. I'll start fresh tomorrow. Thanks for listening, ladies.


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## marieangela

I was doing better, too, and then I got pregnant and we adopted a 5 month old puppy. Not a good combination. I am super hormonal and not really a dog person. My dh really wanted another dog (our old one died a few months ago), but he works all the time and the dog is now another responsibility for me. I resent it and wish we didn't have her, but I let it happen and now I'm stuck. Tired and grumpy, that is me. I really need to try not to let myself be that way with the boys.


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## psandcs

You mean every other mother out there isn't doing it perfectly while I sometimes feel like I don't have a clue? ;-)

What a great topic. I gained so much just reading through everyone else's struggles. Not that I want anyone else to struggle . . . it's just nice to know that I'm not alone.

Wife to DH (1991) and Mommy to DS (4YO) and DS (2 YO).





















:


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## SugarAndSun

I'm in... I didn't read the whole thread, but I too am starting new from today.

No more yelling!







:


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## pumpkinseed

I am in-I wish I saw this thread months ago. I had been a fairly calm GD mom until my dd turned 3 and I found out I was pregnant and she gave up her naps (yes-all in the same week!)-then I just lost all patience







Yelling and sadly occasionally screaming is my huge problem. I now have an 8 week old







:







:And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old. Its been a rough year-and I vow now-I will be the calm mom that I want to be.

I am starting today.

I need more tools to do this and will go back and read this thread as I have time.








to all of you!


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## sunshinestarr

I'm in!


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## nancyw

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

*"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."*

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."

this is WONDERFUL!!! Thanks for posting. Going to hang this where I can see it.


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## kaos2me

I, too, am having issues with yelling and guilting my kids. Starting today, I am going to find other ways to deal with the issues that are going on. In particular, I need to find a more positive way to deal with my 5yo when she is being very aggressive with her 3yo sister.

I will read the rest of the thread when later today and tonight.


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## becoming

I'm back, and I want to start over. I have regressed into my old ways again and feel worse than ever about my relationships with my children.

So, starting now, I am a new mama again. This time for good, I hope.

I will breathe deeply when I feel like screaming.
I will hug my kids when I feel like pushing them away.
I will play.
I will laugh.

When I feel myself losing it, I will remember that these little people are the best things that have ever happened to me.

Thanks so much to you mamas who are making this journey with me.


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## mama*pisces

I've been lurking on this thread here and there, and I am now subscribing to it and want to hold myself accountable too. I lose my temper with my two year old a lot more than I care to admit....I find myself yelling and sometimes screaming.







He never cries, but a couple of times recently when I lost it and yelled really loud, he has started kneeling down on the ground and putting his face to the ground, like he is trying to hide from me.







He is a pretty new two, not anywhere near three, AND we are TTC our second baby....so I want to get a hold of myself now, before things get really complicated and spiral out of control. Especially since I have quite the non-GD husband, so he's not going to be much help.
















: I am so grateful for all of you mamas sharing your experiences on here, thank you in advance! I've gotta go back and make my way thru this thread, but not tonight. I hope to chat with you all soon.


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## OkiMom

I did pretty decent today.. I only raised my voice once and I stopped myself half way through the sentence and calmed down before continueing. I did, however, also have a church potluck where DD loves everyone and willing played without causing complete destruction of her surroundings. It was nice to be able to be around adults and not have to worry about DD...
Hopefully I can not yell tomorrow but we will see.


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## pumpkinseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OkiMom* 
I did pretty decent today.. I only raised my voice once and I stopped myself half way through the sentence and calmed down before continueing. I did, however, also have a church potluck where DD loves everyone and willing played without causing complete destruction of her surroundings. It was nice to be able to be around adults and not have to worry about DD...
Hopefully I can not yell tomorrow but we will see.

I am glad you had a good day! How are you doing?

I had been doing pretty well-and blew it yesterday-yelled at my dd. I am wondering what to do in this situation-I let dd1 (3.75) know what we are going to do-I give her the option of getting dressed herself now while I am nursing my 9 week old-or me helping her after I finish. If she is not dressed once I am done-I help her-well, more often than not-she won't get dressed while I am nursing-but then won't let me help her. What she does-is start kicking and screaming-sometimes connecting with dd2







She then laughs as she is kicking and screaming that she is not listening to me as I am trying to talk to her. This is my trigger-I get upset when she does this-and then have to physically pick her up and remove her so that she doesn't hurt me or more importantly dd2. She then gets upset and starts yelling even more and gets completely out of control. So I took her down to her room yesterday to calm down because I didn't know what else to do







I know situations like this are downward spirals-I am wondering what I can do to stop it. The main problem is the utter disrespect. She also does the above anytime I am on the phone-kicking me and screaming at me and laughing. I know she needs attention and we try-its hard with a newborn. The problem is that even when I give her my complete attention-if I have to walk away for one minute she goes nuts! Help


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## JamSamMom

Count me in too.....my parenting has been going down hill since my DD#2 was born and my DH left for afghanistan 19 months ago. My dd#1 is very spirited and needy. We just moved again to charleston sc and things are calming down. I just hope to have more patiance and not yell. I like the counting to 10 and deep breaths. This is a good thread!


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## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinseed* 
I am in-I wish I saw this thread months ago. I had been a fairly calm GD mom until my dd turned 3 and I found out I was pregnant and she gave up her naps (yes-all in the same week!)-then I just lost all patience







Yelling and sadly occasionally screaming is my huge problem. I now have an 8 week old







:







:And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old. Its been a rough year-and I vow now-I will be the calm mom that I want to be.

I am starting today.

I need more tools to do this and will go back and read this thread as I have time.








to all of you!

When is your older one turning 4? Mine will be 4 on 11/12... She's a big ol' scorpio. Has a bunch of it in her chart. Knowing that about her, and knowing about the Scorpio born in year of the Monkey has helped... there are quirks I watch for. She really responds to logic, she's extremely verbal.

I really enjoy using this one: "I love you too much to fight with you... I'm walking away so we can cool off. Let's talk about this later when we can both be loving and respectful."

Sometimes she flips out even more, but I just keep repeating, "I love you too much to be part of this... I'm patient and I will wait for you to cool off..."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I'm back, and I want to start over. I have regressed into my old ways again and feel worse than ever about my relationships with my children.

So, starting now, I am a new mama again. This time for good, I hope.

I will breathe deeply when I feel like screaming.
I will hug my kids when I feel like pushing them away.
I will play.
I will laugh.

When I feel myself losing it, I will remember that these little people are the best things that have ever happened to me.

Thanks so much to you mamas who are making this journey with me.

Hi *becoming*! Aw girl... not everyday is a five star day. My friend Sal says: Why ruin a good month with bad week? Meaning, let all the crap-tastic mistakes and snafus happen all at once, make you feel like poop, and then be done with it.

My friend Lo says: Set a timer when you're feeling down about x, y, and/or z... for like 10 minutes. Flip out and feel bad til the bell rings, and be done with it.

And lastly, I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did:

Quote:

Imagine you're in a train station awaiting the arrival
of a most beloved friend or family member whom you
haven't seen in years.

You've been anticipating this reunion for days,
activating memories of good times you've shared, and
you *know* you're going to explode with joy when you
finally meet.

The train arrives and people begin deboarding as you
balance on your tip-toes, reaching for a glimpse of
your cherished guest. You can barely contain the
immense love and joy you're feeling.....

Now imagine that cherished guest is your child!
Not some future adult version but your now/today
child, coming off that train, just as eager to connect
as you are.

Imagine meeting your child with that same expectation
of overflowing love and joy every morning as you rise
and every time you reconnect throughout the day.

If you like this idea, imagine it often.
Creation begins with imagination.
The above is from Scott Noelle, a parenting coach (something I aspire to someday be, too!), who has developed EnjoyParenting.com, where you can get daily or weekly or monthly emails from the Daily Groove, containing very short (like above) inspirations and insights into all manner of parenting navigation... I really like the message that "The greatest gift you can give your children is to enjoy parenting them!" and he follows this with: "That's the conclusion I've come to after years of studying the best available information on *alternative, holistic, and natural parenting* - applying it with my own family, and coaching like-minded parents."

Good stuff... check it out!


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## pumpkinseed

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
When is your older one turning 4? Mine will be 4 on 11/12... She's a big ol' scorpio. Has a bunch of it in her chart. Knowing that about her, and knowing about the Scorpio born in year of the Monkey has helped... there are quirks I watch for. She really responds to logic, she's extremely verbal.

I really enjoy using this one: "I love you too much to fight with you... I'm walking away so we can cool off. Let's talk about this later when we can both be loving and respectful."

Sometimes she flips out even more, but I just keep repeating, "I love you too much to be part of this... I'm patient and I will wait for you to cool off..."


Yes! She is on the cusp of the Scorpio and will be 4-10/23-do tell me more about this and where to find info to get through to her! She is also extremely verbal-and does respond to logic if she is calm enough (ALWAYS needs to know why and how things work, )etc...

Thanks for the other info as well-I will be reading up on that website-I like the train analogy.


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## vegiemum

I'm with you! I'm the mama to one VERY high energy (was high needs from newborn on) five year old. He get the best of me every time and I end up yelling and making threats (he knows I NEVER follow thru on ANY threat). And I end up w/ high blood pressure and migraines and insomnia. NO MORE. I'm in!


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## PrennaMama

With those high spirited, sharp, and verbal kids it is easy to get caught up in the drama of the moment (or day, depending...). Try this out: Imagine your child as a peer that is cycling through something... depression, anxiety, a job-loss, divorce, whatever... remember that the seeminly minute issues that our children react to are just as profound _to them_ as the things that would make us or a friend of ours act out of whack, and then try to respond with the sympathy you would give a friend. Sure, ok, a friend wouldn't hit, kick or spit on you... but they might get snarky as all get-out and/or take out their feelings in other less desirable ways...

To a friend who is having a tough time, I say stuff like, "You're having a tough go of it, huh? Is there anything I can do?" or "Wanna come over and have some dinner and chill out tonight? You seem like you might need to get away..." To our children, this kindess is imperative... they have even less control than our peers, and much less understanding of what they're trying to process. It might be that jr. is throwing things, hitting, sticking his toungue out, yelling, etc... we might sometimes start by asking ourselves what are some things that happened today that might be aggravating him? What kind of time have you had together, what have you observerd? What has he eaten, has he been really active and now might be over-tired? Noise sensitivity? We can play detective all day and never nail it. And all the while he's having a crazed rant.

Another response might just simply be to get out a snack tray and sit down with some healthy snacks and say, "Do you want to have some and hang out for a minute? Maybe we can talk afterward about what has you so upset..." Or else something like "I'd like to get out of the house for a bit, how about you? Let's get some fresh air and then talk about a solution for your problem." Or "You seem really angry... Can I help at all?" The child may not know what's up any more than you do, but sometime just being a peer, just being an available and comforting presence helps.


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## textbookcase

I would love to join you!


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## LionessMom

I need to be a new mama. I am so tired of yelling and threatening. just tonight while the othe kids were getiing ready DSD2 was playing. she is lawys so slow, and refusing to do stuff. she made her sister late to school last year alot. I am afraid she will do it again. DSD1 is in kindergarten this year so she has to be on time. I cant seem to get DSD2 to want to do anything. even if i try to make it fun she will resist. very resistant to anything even eating. it is so very frustrating. the other kids get mad at her because she makes them late for everything, no matter how early i start getting everybody ready. i really need some help with her. i need her to help with her. she is a sagittarius


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## PrennaMama

Sagittarian children (generally) aren't as emotionally motivated... if she knows something makes you sad, it won't necessarily deter her... if she has experienced natural consequences, she can make an informed decision about her actions, but typically they (we) are very concrete sequential... gotta learn from experience, advice doesn't cut it...

Try helping her to see logic...? Will post more later... got finals tomorrow.


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## raeinparis

i'm in. i read this thread ages ago and i'm not sure if i posted but today i'm in. i had a terrible day and it ended so badly and i just feel so lousy. i think i'll go to bed. the boys are sleeping already and maybe i should be too.

the thing is i was so wanting my kids. i couldn't wait to meet them and to be there for them. i can't believe i don't treat them with that joy. i did a few times today but at the end of the day, it was terrible.

baby's awake...


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## pumpkinseed

How is everyone doing? I have had great moments and not so great moments lately-still trying and celebrating the successes!

Today was a not a good day-and it was completely my fault- I was so stressed about something that I had absolutely no patience for dd1. I recognized it, cooled down and apologized to her for not treating her with respect.

Tomorrow is another day...


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## hipumpkins

We're actually doing really well. The book, how to raise a thiking child has helped immensely. The word games help me stay focused and help Dd participate this way I am not nearly as angry or lecturing....we're workign together.

I do still have my moments but I think some are OK like when DD ran directly from the car, across the sand and down into the ocean when she was specifically told not to run into the ocean by herself.

I did not yell at her but she was essentially punished. She had to walk back to the van with me and ride to the parking spot (we parked close so we could unload before parking) then she had to walk back to the beach with me...all the while I was lecturing her beach/ocean safety. she could have spent that time on the beach and in the ocean with DH.
I doubt she'll run off into the ocean unsupervised again.


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## schreiberwriter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinseed* 
I now have an 8 week old







:







:And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old.

It's going to get better. I just had a baby in March and 4 mos postpartum I found myself calmer and less inpatient with the toddler.


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## OkiMom

Im having a particularly hard time the last week. My last prenatal appointment I found out there might be something wrong so I was told to stay off my feet and limit my activities until they could get me in with a specialist. Well, the first appointment the doctor who was doing the follow up had was 9 days away from the prenatal appointment. So, I have to stay off my feet for the most part until the 8th when I have the appointment and pray that its all a fluke and theres nothing wrong.

DD hasn't been too happy about the change. We usually go to the park 3-4 times a day (around 7am, noon and then again at 6.. sometimes at 2 as well if she doens't want to nap). When we aren't at the park we play a lot inside climbing around things, making forts, moving around the furniture (she thinks this is the funniest thing), cooking etc. Basically we are either always moving or reading books/coloring etc. Now Im not suppose to take her out to the park (its a walk from the house there) and I can't do a lot of our normal activities. I can tell she is really upset about it and she is acting out because she is upset. Like today, she wanted to climb around since I always let her.. However, I can't move around the sofa and chairs for her to climb over so she was trying to climb onto the computer, AC vent etc, all the areas she isn't suppose to. I would have to get up and get her down and she would scream and cry about it. She keeps going over to the front door and pounding on it. A few minutes ago DH took her out and before she left she brought me my shoes since she wants me to go too.. It broke my heart seeing her little face when I told her no. She of course didn't take it too well , threw herself on the floor and started to cry.
I know everything she is doing is cause she isnt' getting as much mommy interaction as she is use too, but its really getting hard to deal with.. She has been constantly crying for the past 4 days, screaming her head off every time I won't play, getting into things etc.. The crying is going to drive me batty by itself and its getting really hard not to lose my temper with her..

Sorry, had to vent a little.. Im feeling particularly low right now. I want to be a good mom to both my unborn baby and my DD but I feel like Im having to choose between them right now.


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## berkeleyp

I don't have time to read through this thread but I'd like to join. I feel like I have a split personality as a mom. My good side is patient, creative, singing all the time, making up stories, co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, giving my 3 yo good food and leaving her a lot of room to be creative without yelling about her using all the cloth napkins in the house to make a curtain for her bed







. But then there is the other side: the side that looses her temper when faced with defiance, yells, glares, grabs too hard, and actually wants to hit her 3 yo (thankfully, I have a smidgen of control and don't actually smack her), then sometimes I cry and its clear that the grown up is not in charge and its not fair. I apologize for my behavior which is appropriate but I shouldn't have so many things to apologize for.

I don't have a lot of real life role models. Both my SIL's who I see often are nasty to their kids. We went on a family vacation and my SIL's actions made me think what I don't want to be like and I realize that I sometimes am. Funny how its much easier to see the kids point of view as an observer. I try to keep my dd's point of view in mind but its hard when I let her push my buttons. Anyway, I'm rambling. Hopefully will find time to read at least some of this thread. I need to be held accountable for my actions.


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## triscuitsmom

I'm joining this thread too. Need to read to catch up, but glad to be here for support.


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## jaxoms_mommy

I'm with you - today it ends.

With my just-turned-3-year-old, it's aggression. How can I expect him to not be aggressive when I yell and I'm aggressive?

My DH says that I sometimes look like Sully in Monsters, Inc - the part where he scares Boo and then sees his scary face on the monitor. And that it scares DS.

And I've always had a problem with handling DS roughly. Not hitting, though lately I'm having the impulse. Just generally yanking him around.

Is it any wonder that hitting and yelling are the two problems we're having with DS right now?

I hope we can turn it around. Someone tell me it's not too late to fix things.


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## Kothi

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaxoms_mommy* 
I'm with you - today it ends.

With my just-turned-3-year-old, it's aggression. How can I expect him to not be aggressive when I yell and I'm aggressive?


I got on here a while ago, wandered off, and need to return - I'm with you, Jaxoms mommy - just loosing control - on the edge, don't want to go any further. The very behaviors I want to stop are just youthful and underdeveloped exaggerations of my own immature reactions to frustration. I'm reading bit by bit - a couple of the books off of the reading list, but need help at disengaging and STOPPING my own aggression in the moment.

I have a 2yr-10 month old that hits, grabs, kicks.. I"m at my wit's end.


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## WuWei

Come join us on the "Parenting & Rage" thread. A lot of btdt stories and suggestions for self-care. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

Start on the last page...

Pat


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## tatermom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *berkeleyp* 
I don't have time to read through this thread but I'd like to join. I feel like I have a split personality as a mom. My good side is patient, creative, singing all the time, making up stories, co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, giving my 3 yo good food and leaving her a lot of room to be creative without yelling about her using all the cloth napkins in the house to make a curtain for her bed







. But then there is the other side: the side that looses her temper when faced with defiance, yells, glares, grabs too hard, and actually wants to hit her 3 yo (thankfully, I have a smidgen of control and don't actually smack her), then sometimes I cry and its clear that the grown up is not in charge and its not fair. I apologize for my behavior which is appropriate but I shouldn't have so many things to apologize for.

This is me, too, exactly. We've had a lot of bad days around here lately.


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## becoming

I am just not the kind of mama I want to be. I feel like it's impossible to be that mama, but then I think about how ridiculously POSSIBLE it really is, how I could just do it if I wanted to badly enough, and that makes me feel even worse.

I fear my children are going to grow up to hate me.


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