# feeling like a bad mom -- help!



## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

I have posted here a few times, but am not a "regular." Right now my 13 month old son is crying in his crib and has been for the past hour! I don't believe in CIO, I don't like it AT ALL,but I am desperate, and am feeling like I am going to lose it emotionally if I don't get him sleeping better.

He used to sleep decently, once even 12 whole hours in his crib (we bring him to bed when he wakes up the first time at night, so we do co-sleep, but if he wanted to sleep all night in the crib, or even just until the early morning, that would be great). Since about six months, he stopped sleeping well at all. He typically wakes every couple of hours, the other night it was every hour. I have gotten maybe nine hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. Yesterday morning I got up with him at 7:30 and was sobbing while feeding him breakfast.

I have definitely reached that burn out stage. I love being a mom and love my son more than anything, but I can't take this sleep thing much longer. We are considering trying CIO ( I am trying it now, but it isn't working so far and he has never fell asleep that way before) for a couple of weeks, while monitoring him very closely for any personality changes, or negative effects.

It is so hard to continue doing something that is so harmful to me in order to do something that I feel is right for him. But is it? Is it better for me to lose my temper and say things I regret all because of sleep deprivation? OR is it better to try a method I don't agree with, but which seems to get results in other babies (I know so many people whose babies go down easily and sleep all night and everyone wakes refreshed) and be a nicer, calmer mommy in every other way. I still believe in AP, I am at my wits end.

Oh, and I have tried Pantley. I am trying to night wean, but he seemed to regress with things. For a while he was going down awake and letting me pat him asleep. Then for no reason he started screaming if he even saw the crib.

I know this is rambling and maybe on the wrong board. But any thoughts or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Thanks!


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## Carla (Feb 5, 2003)

I am so, so, sorry







. Don't get down on yourself, everyone has been blinded by sleep deprivation at some point in parenthood. I just wanted to extend some encouragment and say I'll be thinking of you. Do you have anyone who can give you a break? Even a neighbor who wouldn't mind playing with ds in the living room while you nap?


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

Thanks, Carla.

I don't have anyone during the day to help. Although we are working on getting someone. A neighbor girl will be available after March 15 (she's in a school play), and we've talked about getting a housekeeper who will mainly to housework but occasionally watch him.

My partner is pretty good about helping at night. In fact, she's started to put him down most nights. But it isn't helping the ultimate goal of sleeping at night. And she is more "mainstream" than I am in the CIO department. She has wanted to try it for months. She said she will do it and I can go to the basement and not hear it. But still... He cried for and hour and a half this afternoon and never did go to sleep on his own. I breastfed him on the bed and he was out in five minutes (he wouldn't go down that way earlier and I tried for about an hour so that's what precipitated the whole crying thing in the first place). I feel awful for him, I just don't know what to do. And we want to have another baby. There is no way I can go through this sleep deprivation times two (as in BOTH children not sleeping at night).

Anyway thanks for listening.


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## Carla (Feb 5, 2003)

It sounds like there might be relief in your future!! That has to be comforting.

Have you showed dp all the info on just this website about CIO? There are numerous threads about it. Maybe if she sees it in black and white. I don't know, I can't imagine it's easy having 2 different parenting styles going on and it will ultimately cause more conflicts in the future. Do you think ds can sense there isn't consistancy between you two?

I'm just trying to throw out ideas to you, certainly not trying to offend you and dp. This parenting road is so complex!!

More ideas: start logging his sleep patterns in a journal. Include minute details such as what got him to sleep, what time, for how long. Maybe if you can get him to a more regimented sleeping schedule he'll sleep for longer periods at a time. Sometimes the smallest detail makes a difference. My 2 sons are incredibly scheduled, not because I'm rigid and unrelaxed but because literally, if they wake up 1/2 hour too late from their nap, it's a two hour difference in their bedtime. Crazy but true. A strict schedule = a relaxed fun day in my house. If I let them go and dictate the day, it's chaos, stress and no sleep.

Just ideas. I'm by far not the perfect parent







:


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## NoHiddenFees (Mar 15, 2002)

I know this doesn't help much right now, but if you look through the archives, you'll find that it's common for babes to wake up frequently around their first birthdays. In dd's case, this lasted from about 10 months to 13 months. At its worst, she'd wake up every half hour and I was getting practically no REM sleep. It was so bad, I was having waking dreams if I sat in one place for too long during the day.

Anyway... usually people attribute this to a combination of teething and reaching a huge milestone, walking. With dd this was almost certainly the case. She is an excruciatingly slow teether and it obviously causes her great distress... especially when they come in in pairs as did the first four (the top two were coming in the whole time referenced above). The way I looked at it (and the only thing that got me through this period) is that the brain is making new connections fast and furious in relation to walking and it's a tremendously exciting and stimulating neurological party. This combined with the pain of teething convinced me that that would have been the worst time to try to night wean or ask dd to adapt to another major change in her life.

I'd recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution. It did wonders for us. I never did chart, and I've only tried a couple things (getting dd off the nipple just before she fell asleep was the big one), but it really helped our understanding of the mechanics, etc. of sleep.

One other thing to to think about is the possibility of allergy or food sensitivity.

Edited to add: oops sorry... didn't notice that you'd tried Pantley. How long did you try it? Some of her techniques can takes weeks or months.


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## Iguanavere (Nov 26, 2001)

This sounds like separation anxiety - which is totally normal at this age.

The other thing is that he may be changing his sleep pattern at the same time - dropping naps or shifting them - so he may not be tired at a time when he was before.

Try Pantly again - but really do it - watch for signs that he is tired then start your routine. Try to really tune in - keep him in the bed with you for a couple of nights and see if his sleep improves.

Sleep was only an issue for us when I was trying to force DS into my preconcievec notion of how he should be sleeping - when I stopped and listened to what he was needing things clicked...HTH.


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## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

You're not a bad mom, you're desperate. I have been there. I have never tried CIO, but I've been sorely tempted.

Please try nightweaning again. Your son is old enough to do it and it can be so much more gentle and sensitive to your son's needs than CIO. We are in the midst of nightweaning, and even when Jackson is angry and sad and crying, he's between us in bed and we're loving on him and rubbing his back. It feels ok to me, not a violation of my mama ethics or my son's spirit, kwim? It's a bit more work, perhaps, but it's worth it.

Good luck to you.


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## Cheri (Nov 9, 2002)

.


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## EllasMama (Nov 20, 2001)

I've felt just like you many times, at the breaking point with no clue how to stay true to my heart with parenting while still remaining somewhat sane and healthy. I agree with all the ideas listed here, especially co-sleeping from the first time you put him down and working some more on nightweaning. My daughter was older when we started gradually cutting down on night nursing (19 months) but it still took 5 months to fully nightwean. The first few weeks were really hard, which sucks when you're already burnt out, as I was. She cried and screamed and DH had to walk her around forever to get her back to sleep that first week or two. But as the sleep periods increased over time, it was well worth the effort. For our DD's temperament, nightweaning had to be a *gradual* thing, not an all or nothing.

Also, explain to your baby what you are doing and why. Be honest - tell him you're just so tired it is making you sad and angry, and you're not the kind of mommy you want to be. Tell him it may feel hard to change at first, but you're working together to find a new routine that works for you both.

BTW, my DD now sleeps really well at night and goes back to sleep easily when she does wake up. I attribute it to both nightweaning and just getting older.

Equally important - you really have to get help in getting a break!! Since your partner doesn't have the same parenting views as you, you're taking on more of the responsibility to make sure your DS gets the type of parenting you feel is right, and that is physically, emotionally, and mentally tiring. March 15 is just a short time away so definitely hire the neighbor girl if that seems okay to you. And/or find some other way to rest and recharge. It's vitally important once you reach burnout stage, which I learned the hard way. I've been working on overcoming bitterness toward parenting for several months now b/c I burnt out so thoroughly.

One thing I should say is that for us, the difficult times always are

just that, limited times. Our routine often seemed (still seems!) to be one week from hell followed by one week not as bad. Just when it feels like the darkest day (or night), things always seem to ease up some. Best of luck to you in finding the way that works for your family, and do get some breaks/rest at regular intervals. Open up to friends/family about how you're having a hard time and ask very honestly for help, you'll be really surprised how many people will help if asked, and asking won't seem so hard once you see how good it feels to get the rest and help you DESERVE!









{{{{Hugs}}}}
Carol


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

Thanks to everyone for the replies! I can't say things have improved too much over the last day or so (last night he slept all night with me, at least from the time I came to bed at 11, and he woke up every single hour until 7).

I am trying to night wean him. I have been doing it slowly -- so far I've only managed to "wean" him off breastfeeding to sleep the two or three times he often wakes up between the time we put him to bed and when we come to bed. So from about 7:30 till midnight. Maybe I need to try to do it faster? This has been going on for a few months, and for a while he got worse.

One reason we don't want to do the bed thing from the start is that we have to be prepared to run in there if he makes a peep so he doesn't fall or climb off the bed. But the real reason (and I know this may not be popular on this board) is that I want to get pregnant again and I don't think I can handle two in bed on an every night basis (of course if he has a nightmare or something he is welcome). I do plan on co-sleeping with number two from day one, something I sort of fell into with him after a couple of months. So maybe that will be easier. Anyway, we want to slowly transition him into sleeping all night (or most of it) in his crib, eventually in his own room.

Well thanks again everyone for the advice. I will continue to try Pantley and to night wean. I know he is VERY close to walking, probably getting molars soon and just had shots last week, so that is a triple threat. But he is never a good sleeper. And he used to be, so sometimes it's extra frustrating, knowing he CAN do it.


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

If you do a search on CIO you will find I get myself into trouble by feeling very passionately about it. I'll try to tone myself down this time.







My advice would be to never do anything that goes against your instincts. If it feels wrong, don't do it. If you know it's bad for him, stop. I would recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution. It's pretty easy to find, I have seen it in a couple local bookstores around here. It sounds to me like you are having a harder time since trying CIO. From what you say, the emotional toll is at least equally as bad as the lack of sleep was before, and you don't sound like you're getting more rest this way. Check out Dr. Sears on CIO, he makes some great points, like babies who are promptly responded to cry 70% less than babies who are left to cry. I will try to get my baby book and copy a bit into this thread, but he has a website you can look at too. http://www.askdrsears.com

Lauren

No Cry Sleep Solution
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/ http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...456355-6321547


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

Also check out this part of his site:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

He has a few books on nighttime parenting that may help you get rest without crying it out. I really think CIO is bad for babies AND their moms. I 'm sorry you're having such a struggle.
L


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## chapulina (Feb 18, 2003)

Hope things are getting better for you - it is such a tough thing to go through, this sleep deprivation. Our dd is doing the same now and I dread the nights...I appreciated reading NoHiddenFees' comments regarding the tremendous growth spurt during this time causing the frequent waking - knowing why helps me cope ( and also knowing it will change eventually) Good luck!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I know it is hard sometimes, I have two little ones under three. All I know is, there is a time when your child will sleep through the night, all the time and eventually, without you.

My older ds is 33 months and has slept through the night for a long time, but he goes through periods where he just can't sleep. Right now, he is having a hard time falling asleep. My second ds is 7 months old. He sleeps with me and my dh almost every night.

With your child's age, he might be learning a lot of new things and just want to be with you at night. Look at what is going on at home, maybe your child senses some stress, and that is why he is up at night.

I would try reading Nighttime parenting by Dr. Sears. Also there is a book called the No cry sleep solution, that is supposted to be pretty good.

Good luck to you. I will pray for you that it gets easier for you.


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

Just to clarify, I have -- and have read thoroughly -- ALL the Dr. Sears books as well as the No Cry Sleep Solution and Dr. Jay Gordon. It hasn't been harder the past few nights because I have been letting him cio. I haven't. Last night was only slightly better. He doesn't sleep any better or worse whether he is in the crib or with us. He doesn't have a nice peaceful night either way. So it's not just that he wants to be with us and we aren't letting him. He is just restless.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I did not realize that you had read these books already. Sorry for being redundant. The only thing that I can say is that it will get better. I promise. Good luck and I will continue to pray for your family.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Your ds sounds a lot like my dd. To be honest with you she is now two and is still waking, but it is a lot less often. Now she sleeps for about 2-3 hours before waking.

We tried Dr Gordon and it left us all nervous wrecks.

We continue to nurse at night and she sleeps with us as well. When we are not trying so hard to make her sleep and not nurse it seems to go better...I dont know..it is very hard to get through...we do have times where on dh's day off he is in charge of dd for awhile and I just crash.

For awhile dh got NOTHING in terms of any sort of loving. I was so tired all the time and I told him we were NEVER HAVING MORE CHILDREN unless he learned to put dd to bed. Well she still wont sleep for him but things are getting better.

I would talk to your Dr about the sleeping. If he is so restless maybe something is bothering him. My own dd has a lot of bad dreams. She also laughs and talks a lot in her sleep. I remember my sister having night terrors (and it was awful) I have an uncle and cousin who sleep walk and I feel my dd may have a similar problem so I let her lead with this one. It didn't feel to me that forcing her to wean was going to solve it.

I would toss out all the experts and go with what you feel is in the best interest of your child at this point.

Just wanted to add I dont think they mean to imply that your child wants to sleep with you and you wont let him it is just it tends to be easier on the mom if the child is there as she has to get up less often and tends to go back to sleep easier if she just has to roll over, nurse a bit then go back to sleep.


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Sometimes sleep "problems" run in families. My Dh wakes up in the middle of the night to raid the fridge. Sleep eating!

I sleep like a log and so does DD. Except for when she was teething and for other reasons? Who knows. There were some tough times, but it did get better.

Sorry you are so sleep deprived. It WILL get better - they don't stay little forever. OK, so in my DHs case it never did get better but we do sleep!


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

reply to tessamami:

Well, I slept great before DS. I was always a pretty good sleeper, and am someone who needs 8 hours (and craves even more). We joke, however, that DS takes after my partner -- who is not, as far as we know, biologically related to him







She's an insomniac!!


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

musikat-HUGS to you!!!!! Please hang in there. I've been there and I'm just getting off a TERRIBLE night with DS. Up almost the entire time from 2-4 and then up for good at 6:15. Plus, between 7:45-11:30 he was up about three times. So, I know sleep deprivation all too well.

I'm sure you know this, but I'm convinced that getting teeth is about 90% of all night waking. It's hard to think that we'd have to wait until our children are TWO to get any sleep, but sometimes I think that's the case.

Our son just DIDN'T sleep from birth until 5-6 months (oh, and he HAD to cry to go to sleep in our arms everytime). Then, it got a tad bit better. Perhaps I would get 2+solid hours at night. But his sleep really didn't improve until he approached his 1 year b-day. Now, when he's not getting a tooth, a cold, or going through some other developmental thing he goes to sleep around 8pm, is up 1x before we get into bed and on a good night 1-2x before waking up at 7:00. I know to many people this would still sound crazy, but to us it is such an improvment.

Enough about me. Maybe you could try Pantly again? Does he sleep during the day? Could you try to get some sleep then? Is he getting a tooth? Could you try using some homeopathic remedy (or whatever you use) for his discomfort and see if this would help?

Just know that there are legions of us crazed, sleep deprived moms out there who feel your pain.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

Let me just start by saying that you are in good company. I have asked myself many times whether I am a worse mommy because I never get more than two hours of sleep in a row. I'm so tired I sometimes feel like a drug addict: I can only think about one thing: sleep.
My ds is 7 months. He slept 7 hours in a row from 1 month until about three months and then he stopped.
He now sleeps about 1 and 1/2 to two. Sometimes he'll sleep three and that feels amazing.
My husband helps a lot but when he gets tired he starts demanding we let ds cry it out.
At this point ds goes to sleep in his crib, comes to bed with me when he wakes and then stays with me for the rest of the night. Dh sleeps on the couch.
What always helps me is to read these boards, find support here, and to know that it won't last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Be gentle with yourself
HUgs


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## stirringleaf (Mar 16, 2002)

i just had to pipe up as one of the legions! i hear you and feel your pain! my ds is 13 mos, and does the same thing, i am lucky to get 4 hours straight, but since he does that stretch btwn 8 and midnight (sometimes) i miss out on my four hour possiblity, cuz i usually stay up to do homework or chill out and go to bed between 11 and 12. he wakes up every 2 hours or less after that.

you mentioned you have to be ready to run and check on him cuz you are afraid he will fall off the bed...well it might really help to just put the mattress on the floor...one thing i am noticing in DS it that somethimes he cries for like 10 seconds and falls back asleep, but i am so progammed to run in there that i dont let him do it. now, its not saving me much sleep, except that when i do go to bed he is right besid me so lkie someone above said, i just have to roll over, nurse, fall back to sleep....so anyway at least you will have one less worry if your baby cant fall out of the bed and get hurt...

an aside---i got a stomach bug a few weeks ago and long story short had to spend the night in the clinic. i was actually GLAD cuz even though i hate hospitals, i actualy slept for like 5 hours straight with no baby beside me! now thats pathetic!


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## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mamapajama_ *Let me just start by saying that you are in good company. I have asked myself many times whether I am a worse mommy because I never get more than two hours of sleep in a row.*
I can really relate to this... Sometimes I have such grief thinking that I would be a much better mama if I could just get some sleep... And that when I do get some sleep it will really sink in what a difference it makes in my parenting and I will feel so bad.... But, what choices do I have, really? CIO is not an option, and I just don't have the magical ability to be Supermom on no sleep (though I do better than I ever thought I could!).


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