# "interrupting the adults"



## peachpie (Jan 25, 2007)

We had an incident this weekend when FIL (who visits 2-3x a year) *yelled* at dd for interrupting. (She kept saying "It's my turn!" and after a while he yelled , very loud "It is NOT your turn! The adults are talking now!")







:

Lucky for him, I was in another room putting the baby to sleep. DH handled it perfectly-- he picked up dd and brought her to me, reminded her that she needed to wait to talk but also reassured her that Grandpa didn't mean to yell. Then he went back and told his dad, in no uncertain terms, that his response was not acceptable. FIL was apologetic. dd went back to be with them and things were fine.

This made me think about a few things. At dd's age (she will be 4 in a few weeks), she doesn't have a good grasp of time and asking her to wait more than a few seconds doesn't have very good results. Although at preschool, she has no trouble waiting for some concrete event (like "wait until the toy is back on the shelf to play with it" or "wait until a seat is available to sit at the snack table". It's a montessori school btw. They talk a lot in the beginning about not disturbing someone who is working.)

I realized that the issue was more that she's never been exposed to the idea that "adults get to talk first". We mostly socialize with other families and I guess we all just EXPECT interruptions.







Personally, I don't see much benefit in trying to teach her that there's one set of rules for adults and another for children. Am I missing something? Setting myself up for trouble?

Right now, if she wants to talk and someone else is speaking, she does say "Excuse me?" and then she waits... it's just the amount of time she can wait is not terribly long. I tend to tell her "It will be your turn next" and then (pretty quickly) I give her the go ahead. I feel like this encourages her to continue asking politely. (FWIW, dh and FIL were deep in discussion/debate at the time and I doubt either one was going to let her have a turn to speak anytime soon!)

Would you do something differently?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Maybe teach her to put one hand on the arm of an adult she wishes to speak to in addition to saying "excuse me?" That's how we were taught to get our parents' attention when they were on the phone.

I think your method is excellent, the touching would just be to help get adult attention when they are deeply involved in their conversation.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Some people are really, really irritable about this--even the women I most admire and enjoy as friends, perhaps because they tend to be in the over 45 (I have lots of friends older than myself), are very uppity and clearly annoyed by an interrupting child.

And it IS a bias towards children, as the same adults never feel annoyed by adults who interrupt (or at least, they aren't so obvious about it).

Ds is really bad about this~I would say it's the one thing he STILL does as an older child that could be seen as a lack of discipline by others. BUT the thing is, we three (dh, ds, and I) interrupt each other constantly as we talk. It's just how we talk. We tend to jump in and finish each other's sentences or offer ready agreement so the other person doesn't waste time finishing a thought we already understand. Not sure if that makes sense.

I have waffled all over the place on this issue, at times feeling irritable with ds, at other times feeling irritable with the adults.

Long term I've just tried to show him that there IS a flow to conversation, and it's important to time his comments with others to correspond to a lull in conversation. This is surprising difficult for him, and he tends to become somewhat obstinate over this--it's really the only issue where he comes close to pouting. I am still working this one out. I really see both sides--ds' side being that he just doesn't "get" the finer points of conversation, thus his interruptions aren't as tactful as an adult. I also can see that the other adults are annoyed at being interrupted, it defies their expectations of polite behavior, so they feel almost *obligated* to show ds they are annoyed with him. I have mixed feelings there, as that is a natural consequence, but I think it assumes some negative intent on the part of ds that isn't there.

Sorry, no wisdom here, we are truly a family of talkers I guess!


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

Well... I witnessed a similar incident when I was 20, and cousin was 4, my Uncle was being lectured by his mum (my gran) about something in the music room of his house, and little 4yo kept coming in to check...

1) can she have a yoghurt from the fridge
2) can little sis have one
3) can her friend have one
4) would he like one
5) should the spoons go in the dishwasher or the sink

drove my gran crazy cos my uncle kept trasfering his attention to cute 4yo 100% everytime she came in, and gran was busy trying to build to some explanaton climax hahaha

so then she is red, and says to him... "When ... are ... you ... going to teach that child some MANNERS!"

To which he replied very gently, but firmly

"What are you talking about? You are the one with 76 years of life experience to fall back on, and in that time I expect you to have learned tollerance and patience! She is 4, at the beginning of her life, and the one in this room with the fewest tools or life experience and least able to behave fo your convienience. If you want her to grow up with manners, show her your best example







... Now what were we talking about?"

This incident has been a guiding example to me in my adult life on the treatment of children.

as

Edited to add: I have always encouraged my children to interupt me, and anyone else, and pay them 100% focus attention, going back to my thread later. Strangely, now that they are 11 and 7, they almost never "interupt", just slot in with their 2c worth.

Paying the young interupter attention, and validating their ideas and even their existance, is far more valuable in that it provides strong self esteem gives them a sence that they belong to a community of caring people. No stronger motivation for learning the rules of that community than belonging, and copying is how they do it!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alexander* 
"What are you talking about? You are the one with 76 years of life experience to fall back on, and in that time I expect you to have learned tollerance and patience! She is 4, at the beginning of her life, and the one in this room with the fewest tools or life experience and least able to behave fo your convienience. If you want her to grow up with manners, show her your best example







... Now what were we talking about?"


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## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

*


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

well done on all fronts. I think you and DH handle this issue great!


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## peachpie (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *polka hop* 
It seems like, in this case, the onus was on your DH to take note of your DD's polite "Excuse me"s and in turn excuse himself from his conversation with FIL long enough to listen to her and meet her need. Your FIL was out of line.

I totally agree. And thank you all for sharing your stories and comments!


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

My four year old is at this stage, too. Actually, my main problem is when ds and dh are both trying to talk to me at the same time. My main theme is that I want to hear what they both have to say and in order to give them each my attention, I need for them to take turns talking. Dh tends to think what he is saying is more important at times, so sometimes he just gets a hand or finger raised in the air from me with a "just a minute."


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I sort of go both ways on this issue too. I think that adults need to make an effort to creat "space" in their conversations for children to express thoughts and needs. And at the same time, I think kids need to be guided toward not interupting, with the understanding that it is a process.

I have a friend who allows her children to interupt our conversations *constantly.* She will phone me, say hello, then ask me to hold on a second. A quick phone call turns into 30 minutes of my time, because I have to keep waiting for her to address kid's issues and then keep coming back to whatever issue she phoned about. Honestly, it makes me furious. That is time that I could be spending with my kids, kwim?


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## aah5 (Apr 24, 2007)

: Learning a lot from this one.


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

nm


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## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

*


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Honestly, it makes me furious. That is time that I could be spending with my kids, kwim?

Then you should do so! She can always mail you, PM you or skype you!

Or she can make a clear space in her time.










as


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I feel that children need to learn to at least interrupt politely, unless it is a real emergency. Even at 4 yrs old, children are capable of saying, "Excuse me please", if they need something.

And sometimes, children need to wait until the adults are finished speaking. In fact, I feel that it is rude for an adult to just interrupt, too.

I don't mean to say that people should never allow a small one to speak, but I also don't see the harm in two grownups having a conversation and the child not butting in every two minutes. I have seen both extremes and it is awful either way.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

i am very torn about this issue, as my boys can be perfectly silent and playing but as soon as dh and i try to talk to ane another about anything they feel the need to talk to us constantly, we have tried everything, but it is so frustrating and so hard to be patient when it really feels as though dh and i cannot say a full sentence to one another without somebody wanting to say something of earth shattering importance.


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## gretchtables (Feb 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I feel that children need to learn to at least interrupt politely, unless it is a real emergency. Even at 4 yrs old, children are capable of saying, "Excuse me please", if they need something.

And sometimes, children need to wait until the adults are finished speaking. In fact, I feel that it is rude for an adult to just interrupt, too.

I don't mean to say that people should never allow a small one to speak, but I also don't see the harm in two grownups having a conversation and the child not butting in every two minutes. I have seen both extremes and it is awful either way.

Yes, yes, yes. I don't think this is an adult vs child issue but more of a "what is acceptable and polite" issue. Interrupting is generally rude, regardless of the age of the interrupter. DD knows that when people are talking (adults or other kids) and she needs something, she says "excuse me." If I can, I turn my attention to her, fulfill her needs, then go back to my conversation.

If I can't, for whatever reason, I at least tell her that I need a minute before I can help her. As she gets older, the times I ask her to wait become more frequent than the ones where I drop everything to help her, so hopefully she will become a patient (and non-interrupting) adult.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oliversmum2000* 
as soon as dh and i try to talk to ane another about anything they feel the need to talk to us constantly, we have tried everything, but it is so frustrating and so hard to be patient when it really feels as though dh and i cannot say a full sentence to one another without somebody wanting to say something of earth shattering importance.


Ugh, this is where DH and I are right now and it's beginning to affect our family. Really it is.

We have to wait until DS is in bed (11:30pm







: ) to talk. But I've passed out by then.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

newmommy - i am extremely famaliar with that feeling


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alexander* 
I have always encouraged my children to interupt me, and anyone else, and pay them 100% focus attention

I'll differ on this.

If it's an absolute emergency, DS has permission to interrupt me, DH, or another Adult who is speaking.

If it's NOT an emergency and he needs myself or DH he should wait until we are done speaking and then say "Mommy, Daddy I need..."

I feel this should be Best Practice especially when you have Adults who are in heated Debates such as Religion or Politics.

Emotions are running high and self control is less evident.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
BUT the thing is, we three (dh, ds, and I) interrupt each other constantly as we talk. It's just how we talk. We tend to jump in and finish each other's sentences or offer ready agreement so the other person doesn't waste time finishing a thought we already understand. Not sure if that makes sense.

FTR, I will say that this is the dynamic in our house as well and it's caused me problems at work. Our child interrupts us a LOT, too, so it's simply impossible to have a conversation. I know she learned it from us and it's a real problem. I spend a good bit of my time moderator who was speaking first and who's turn it is. DH interrupts DC, too. No advice, just an issue of ours that I would like to change.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

I think it's unfair to expect other adults to tolerate frequent interruptions. I think it's rude if an adult interrupts- just like it's rude for a kid to do.
I think it's one thing to tolerate at home, but something that should be gently taught is inappropriate when a parent is talking to another adult. It's a good thing to learn early because it can be very off putting when the behavior continues into the teen years or adulthood.
I think it's really important to equip DD with good social skills, and waiting for the end of a conversation is one of them.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I agree that teaching not interrupting is a process, but I disagree that irritation with it is "bias against children." NO adult in my life interrupts me as frequently or for so many senseless things as my child does. Kids just don't get it, in a way that any 'normal' adult does get it. Adult interruptions are less frequent, less disruptive, and for better, more recognizeable reason than child interruptions, IME.

We're trying to teach our child this now. It's an issue, for sure, as especially iwth her father I find we can barely get a sentence out at a time, never mind have an entire conversation.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theretohere* 
I think it's unfair to expect other adults to tolerate frequent interruptions.

I personally find it necessary to avoid hanging out with adults who can't tolerate children's interruptions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theretohere* 
I think it's really important to equip DD with good social skills, and waiting for the end of a conversation is one of them.

I think the best way to equip my children with good social skills is by modeling the love and tolerance I want them to internalize. Yes, I do talk with my children and say, "So-and-so was still talking, let's let her finish her sentence," but I don't necessarily expect them to wait 'til the conversation is over.

But maybe me and my friends are a little more long-winded than you and your friends. My children would be waiting a long, long time for some conversations to end.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

I think it's completely age appropriate behavior for a preschooler to interrupt adult conversation. They just don't have the skills yet to be able to wait for very long.

It's also the parents job to help the child learn social skills in a gentle way. But kids need to practice skills before they can do them well.

DD is 3 1/2 now and is just able to wait for DH and I to finish a whole thought (more than a sentence or two) when she wants something before becoming impatient.

My parents believe that kids should wait quietly while adults have conversation. My mom get really irritated if while on the phone with her I ask her to wait a second while I help DD with whatever (bathroom, get a drink, turn on a movie). She always ends the conversation abruptly with a "you're obviously to busy to talk." She accuses me of not caring about what she has to say. *Sigh* It really makes it hard sometimes to have this additional source of tension in our relationship.

As a mother of a young child I feel torn between my need to have relationships with other adults and the need to be there for my child. I find that I end up being limited to relationships with other mothers of young children because they seem to be the only other people that understand what young children are like.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

We don't do "adults talk first" at our house, but if somebody (of any age) is already talking, it's rude to interupt. I'll snap at DD1 for trying to tell me something interesting and relevent (to me) if she interupts DS's kindergarten ramblings to do it. By "snap at her" I mean I'll quickly tell her DS is talking, and then we'll wait for him to finish. I mean, how can he learn that letting somebody finish talking is important if we don't offer him the same courtesy?


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## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

we have this problem at the moment as well, with 4yo DD talking ALL. THE. TIME. and not having a lot of patience to wait when the grown ups are talking. mostly its not an issue, coz its just her and me alone together, but now we're staying with a friend who isnt used to children, and talks philosophy and politics a LOT.
I do say to DD "P is talking now, its his turn, when he's finished it will be your turn" etc, but she really cant wait that long. I wouldnt mind really, just that what she wants to say isn't voicing needs, its conversational, and really inane and repetetive, most of the time.

What I have found that works is using a talking stick. Its a bit strange if you're not used to it, but since we live in rainbow gatherings a lot of the time, its kind of normal for us; basically, have an object, a stick or feather or anything handy at all, and each person takes turns in holding it. the one holding the stick can speak and everyone else listens, giving full focus and respect.
DD really understands this concept and has no problem in waiting for her turn with the talking stick. it does change the flow of a normal conversation, but it can also be a great tool for debating. and we are slowly introducing DD to the concept of using a "pretend" talking stick, and that we can talk when we need to and listen when we need to without a 'stick', its all about respect; if someone is talking wait till they finish, if you MUST interrupt, say excuse me.

well, we have our moments!


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## Maggi315 (Aug 31, 2003)

Well, I wanna join in this conversation because this is something that we are dealing with right now and probably causes the most stress. When you have one or even two children and they might occasionally interrupt, you can learn to deal with it. But unfortunately, we have let it go and basically ignored this behavior more than we should have. Now I have 5 that interrupt constantly. Even my older ones. My two older girls think they are part of all the adult conversations I have, even to the point of trying to give advice to my friends, or interrupting me to say 'that's not what happened, or to correct me on a date or number or something'. My younger ones are all over me when visiting with friends and seem to have no understanding of boundaries.

My husband and I have decided to really take a close look at this including the way we talk to one another and to them and see what we are modeling.

But how to teach a whole group of children to not interrupt? That when I am talking with friends, I don't want them butting into the conversation (heck, I'm with them (kids) all the time, I want to talk with my friends on the rare occasions I see them.

My kids are very impulsive and all are ADHD and other sensory issues. We have tried the hand on the arm, which they do for about 2 sec., we have sent them away, we have 'practiced' conversations, we don't seem to be getting very far.

I hope others weigh in with help. I know this can be a hot issue and I am all for kids being included and conversing with kids, I love to talk with kids, I think they are so funny and honest. But there's also a time and place to learn manners, to learn how not to be so self-centered, how to learn to behave socially and politely. Now, if I could only learn how to teach all of us that, I would be golden


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## Maggi315 (Aug 31, 2003)

oh, wait, i have something else I forgot, talk about long winded, no wonder my kids interrupt









I have talked with adults who interrupt me, finish my sentence, jump in and start talking about themselves or something before I'm done my sentence, and I find it horribly irritating. And difficult to want to converse with them or hang out with them.

And it has become impossible to have a conversation in my house, or to talk with someone after church, or on phone (that's a given for about 17 years now







: ). And god forbid my husband and I try to sit down and talk about something important for 5 minutes.

sigh...i wish i had the answers to this, but i really have no clue...


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## marnie (Jul 13, 2004)

i recognize that my daughter is 4 and doesn't have the same patience to wait after her "excuse me" that an adult might have. so what we're currently attempting is this. she comes to me (or my husband) and lays a hand on our arm or squeezes our hand.

i wait for the other person to finish their sentence then i say "excuse me, maya needs me. yes maya?" and if maya starts with an "um, well, i want to tell you something interesting because um i have something to say about your conversation um..." then i say "Ok, Maya. I'm listening to X talk right now and as soon as s/he's finished you can tell me what you have to say (or i can get your toy/water/snack/etc. for you."

i don't wait for the whole conversation to be over because adults can be a bit patient, more so than 4 year olds. but i don't let maya overtake the conversation because she does need to understand patience and taking turns in conversations. also sometimes *I* enjoy having a conversation that is free of constantly fetching snacks and opening containers of play dough and other errands.

i also ask her to put her hand on my hand because teaching her to say excuse me resulted in her just saying "excuse me" over and over at an escalating volume until she interrupted anyway. touch allows *me* to say excuse me to the other adult when there is a pause. (i can judge pauses better than my 4 year old. most of the time, anyway.)


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## MamaEli (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I feel that children need to learn to at least interrupt politely, unless it is a real emergency. Even at 4 yrs old, children are capable of saying, "Excuse me please", if they need something.

And sometimes, children need to wait until the adults are finished speaking. In fact, I feel that it is rude for an adult to just interrupt, too.

I don't mean to say that people should never allow a small one to speak, but I also don't see the harm in two grownups having a conversation and the child not butting in every two minutes. I have seen both extremes and it is awful either way.

I agree. We are working on this with my almost four year old DS. I ask him, "Is someone hurt, is someone bleeding? Throwing up? Then please wait a moment, and we'll talk." Sometimes it is important for two adults to finish a brief conversation. That being said, you can't keep the kid waiting for five minutes! I'm thinking more like a minute, tops.


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