# Loss at 19 weeks... Questions



## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I lost our daughter, Amelia, very early this
morning. She was 19 weeks old and was born due to pprom/previa that pushe me into preterm labor with infection. Thankfully I was able to have the natural vaginal birth I so desired.

I'm concerned about my milk coming in. I've been advised to bind my breasts with an ace bandage. Is there anything else I should do?

Upon hospital discharge I was told to not have sex for 6 weeks. Due to such strong emotions for dh and his amazing presence I would like to be intimate with him before that time. Is this a strict recommendation or a loose suggestion?

When we do return to having sex do I need to worry about protection? It's so soon, we haven't even begun to talk about the next pregnancy but we do want to concieve again.

My postpartum bleeding, so far, is minimal. Compared to a mild period at this point. Is this something that will suddenly get heavy? Any idea how long it will last? When I'll cycle again?

I was given a large script for Xanax. Is this something that has helped any of
you or will it just postpone feelings ?

I never thought I'd be here. I'm having moments of peace and then completly break down.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

I'm so sorry that your sweet Amelia was born too soon.









I lost Matthew at 34 weeks and while my milk came in, I wasn't hugely engorged so I didn't need to do anything extra. Part of that may have been due to the fact that I had a cesarean, I don't know.

I was told to wait 6 weeks before having sex and I think the doc's biggest concern was the c-section scar healing. We waited 2 weeks and 6 days and even that didn't seem soon enough. I TOTALLY understand not wanting to wait.

I think the bleeding varies person to person. I bled minimally at first, then when I started doing things around the house, the bleeding increased.

I took some heavy duty pain meds after I came home and I was grateful for the deep sleep it brought. I don't know though. I don't believe your psyche will allow you to feel too much at once. Especially in the early days, after long periods of crying, breaking down, I would then drift into a numbness naturally. I had some concerns about becoming dependent on meds so I didn't get any refills and I might have turned down Xanax.

So sorry you're goint through this, mama. (((hugs)))


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry you lost your precious Amelia. I lost my son Lachlan 8 days after he was born and had been pumping breast milk while he was alive, and became pretty badly engorged. I then tapered my breast pumping over a couple of days and that worked for me. I've heard that cabbage leaves are also really good.

My bleeding was also really light, and my OB told me it was OK to have sex after a couple of weeks. It's probably best to check with your health care provider though. I only waited 2 weeks, I also felt the need to be close to my DH.

I'm not sure what Xanax is, but I took vicodin for a couple of weeks afterwards for pain. Not sure if I really needed it, but I didn't feel like being in pain and grieving at the same time.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry.














Amelia

I lost my little one at 17 weeks, so my "advice" is just based on my own experience, but everyone is different.

My milk came after my D&C, which I had 2 weeks after losing my baby. I ended up with some retained placenta, which can be common when you labor & deliver at this point in gestation. Something to look out for, even if your placenta looked complete. Mine did, but for some reason there was still some left.

So the milk, it came in after the d&c. I was never super engorged like I was with my DS. It wasn't uncomfortable (physically at least) so I did nothing&#8230; just let it runs its course. I was told that cabbage leaves in the bra would help with engorgement. Sage tea is also supposed to help dry your supply.
I've actually read against binding... but I'm not completely sure about that.

As for the sex, I think the main reason to wait is because of the risk of infection. I totally understand your need to be with your husband, in fact, I was with my husband the day we found out we lost the baby (before induction) and then shortly after my D&C (I was advised to wait 6 weeks). Emotionally, it was helpful to be close to him during that time, but I was very paranoid about the risk of infection right after! So that was stressful. I was fine, but it was more worry than I needed at that point.

When you do start having sex again, you will want to use some protection if you would like to wait a bit before conceiving again. You can ovulate very soon after loss! I did immediately after my D&C!

As for the bleeding, mine was very light after delivery and then began picking up and I ended up bleeding out at 2 weeks PP because of the retained tissue, so there were special circumstances for me. Your bleeding may come and go for a bit, getting heavier and red if you're overdoing it, but that's normal. Just take it easy if that should happen, and keep an eye on it. You'll want to be on the lookout for major increases, like soaking through a pad every hour.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Be gentle and patient with yourself during this time, there are sure to be ups and downs. Allow yourself to grieve fully. I'm wishing you peace and healing.


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## blueyezz4 (Sep 23, 2006)

First off, I'm so sorry for you loss and I know what you are going through b/c the same thing has happened to my DH and I just 3 weeks ago yesterday actually. We have felt such love from all of our family and friends it has been unbelievable!! Know that time does help, but some days are harder than others and there are still things now that make it hard everyday. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and I'm so sorry that you had to go through it too!!! So you and your DH are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

I was pregnant with our first (actually 1st and 2nd) b/c we were carrying twin boys and i was 22.5 wks along at the time we lost our boys and my milk came in nice and strong in about a day which was awful!!! You are lucky that they even told you about it in the hospital, i was never told. I found that if you take a cabbage and put it in the freezer (or my ob said in the fridge) and i would break off a leaf and put it in my bra with a nursing pad in there it felt really good at first and supposedly helps with drying up your milk. I now can't stand the smell of cabbage b/c once they get warm they stink!! She also said to take ibuprofen too. I wore a tight sports bra with nursing pads and slept in them too. Or one night i used a tight ace wrap with the nursing pads in it and that felt pretty good too. The engorgement/pain lasted a week and even now they are not as big or uncomfortable, but when i get out of the shower i'll still have a few drips. oh, and stay away from hot water on your chest b/c that just brings your milk in and makes you more uncomfortable. I also read somewhere that Vit b 6 and sage tea (tea 3 times a day) are suppose to help - i put honey in my tea to sweeten it. Gosh, i tried everything b/c i was so uncomfortable!! there is a post somewhere maybe around June 21 or 22 on this thread about stopping milk that i posted if you need more suggestions.

About the whole sex thing... they told us that we should wait 6 wks too. I don't know the answer to that question -sorry maybe someone else would. We were told not to ttc for at least 3 cycles. we both want to ttc again and know we had troubles getting prego to begin with (took almost 3 yrs) and had to use fertility med/iui to get pregnant and we also know we aren't getting any younger. we realize we need time to grieve, but i also know that i want to make sure that my body is ready to carry again. I have heard that if you get pregnant too early you could have another miscarriage again or other issues.

I'm still having a little bleeding even after 3 wks, but it has slowed way down. I've heard it could last a month or so. Everyone is different. Don't know when you will cycle again and would love to know the answer to that question as well.

About the Xanax....i don't know. I didn't take anything but i'm not one that is into taking medicine. my dh and i did go to see a counselor so i think that helps and i like that better than taking something, but everyone is different so it might help you if you need it for awhile.

Feel free to P.M me if you want. Take care of yourself and one thing that someone else told me that had experienced the same kind of loss was that if people ask what they can do to help tell them if they want they could bring a meal. that was so nice not to have to worry about making dinner for awhile. It makes people feel good to do something that can help you out. Take care and I'm so sorry!!!!


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## kt52484 (Jun 26, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss!! Amelia will never be forgotten! I lost my little boy at 17 weeks two weeks ago. It has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am so sorry that you and your husband need to go through this!

I never thought that I would get milk since it was so early but I did...nearly a week after I had David. It caught me completely off gaurd in the shower one day. I have not had any leakage other than in the shower. I have not been engourged but my breasts hurt sometimes. It was like a slap in the face because I miss David so much and this is more of a physical reminder that he is not here. My midwife told me to avoid stimulation of the nipples for awhile and to not let hot water run down over my breasts for awhile as well. So if your milk does come in, try these ideas...I have also heard that cold cabbage leaves really help to dry up milk but I have never tried.

I understand about needing to be intimate! My midwife told us to wait until the bleeding and spotting had completely stopped. If there is still spotting there is a risk of infection. She said that after that there is no reason as long as it does not hurt. Use common sense. I would talk to the doctor about it because I don't want to give you advice without knowing your personal history. My husband were intimate for the first time two nights ago and it was good.

My midwife recommended using protection for at least three cycles to give the uterus time to heal before starting another pregnancy. She recomended waiting 6 months to allow time for grieving. It is so hard because I ache to be pregnant but I know that I need time to grieve for David. We will see how we feel in three months.

As for the medication, that is an anti-anxiety drug, it is a personal decision as to what you need. Personally I have not used any because I have so much support and am doing all right so far but I am not opposed to using it if I need it in the future. If you feel like it would help give it a chance but it is a personal choice.

Again, I am so sorry for you loss and we are all keeping you and your husband in our thoughts!

Katie
Mother to angel baby (12/23/08) at 8 weeks and angel David Michael (6/23/09) at 17 weeks.


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)




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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

hey sweetie,
we lost a babe at 28 weeks and i so feel for you.
for my breasts, a tight jogging bra was the perfect thing for me. a couple days of pain, and then nothing. i actually bled for a long time, so dont freak out if this happens to you. i also now have a perfect little boy, so know you have a beautiful future.
re the xanax - take anything you want, say anything you want, do anything you want. this is your time. lots of love,


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.
















Amelia









I used cabbage leaves and wore a jogging bra, not so much to bind my breasts to dry up as they were incredibly uncomfortable if they moved even a little bit. I was also given a prescription for Xanax. I used a few of them on the horrible days and they didn't help me all that much so I tried to find my own coping mechanisms. As far as postpartum sex, if you had no tearing and a normal delivery then I don't see why you would have to wait any longer then other women do after a fullterm delivery. And that's pretty much when everything feels okay down below (at least that is what I always assumed). I felt back to normal a week after delivery. I'm not sure about the infection part though.

Huge hugs and be gentle with yourself.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Amelia.


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## rumi79 (Aug 31, 2008)

I am sorry for your lost! I wish you strength and patience to go through this.
I don't personally like meds and I don't think you should go with the hard core before you even try counseling or support groups. There are a lot of side effects with the Xanax, they probably prescribed it because they want to avoid depression but there are other ways to do so. If you have good support system and try some counseling when you are ready I think you will have a better chance of going through this trying times.
But first give yourself some time to mourn and cry it out. I wish I could help you somehow... I lost my little baby last week and nobody seems to understand that he was a baby for me even though he was just 11 weeks. I can only imagine what are you going through.
Going out, being active, be with people you love and love you, and don't be afraid to talk about what you feel and what you need.
If you want to talk with somebody send me a message. Sometimes strangers listen better than people that are close to you and too emotionally involved with the whole situation.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I am so, so sorry mama.









When we lost our son (a few weeks earlier) my milk came in and I was so adamant that I wanted it done and over with. I was told I could take sudafed. However, when it came down to taking the pills, I just couldn't make myself do it. This was the last link I had to him. I felt like when it was over and the bleeding was over, that was it. I hated my body for betraying me and at the same time, I didn't want to lose what I had. I remember standing in the shower with milk dripping down and thinking "My whole being is weeping."

Another loss mama, JayJay, did something beautiful with her milk and I wish I had done something similar. You can see her post about it here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...1093630&page=3 It's just something to think about.

As far as sex goes, if you don't want to get pregnant again yet, use protection. But once you're feeling up to it, I would go ahead and do it. It was good to reconnect like that after our loss.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet baby Amelia. (what a lovely name!)









I used cabbage leaves for my milk and a sports bra.. it took a bit to dry up even with that.. but I don't remember how long. I was so sad whenever I'd stand in the shower and watch the milk weep out of me, it was like my own tears. I considered donating the milk, but at the time it just wasn't possible to deal with the emotions of sharing what should have been Dresden's.

I had a c-section and if I remember correctly we had sex after 2 weeks.. I know we did with my first at 2 weeks.. with Dresden's birth it was simiar.. and nowhere near 6 weeks. It did feel strange, but I'd think if you feel like it, nothing wrong with giving a try.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so, so, sorry for the loss of your daughter. You have come to the right place though, everyone here has experienced losing a baby and I think you'll find this place to be really supportive ((hugs))
You got alot of good advice so far. I just wanted to comment on the Xanax thing. I could NOT sleep after coming home without my daughter - she lived for 15 days in the NICU - and I was given a prescription for sleeping pills called Zopiclone. They worked really well, and while I don't ever like taking medication, I felt this was a time when I had to. I had to sleep. If I didn't take them, I would stay up all night tourmenting myself with all the thoughts in my head.
I think you do need to experience all the aspects of grieving your loss. But, if you find it to become unbearable, be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to make it through. I took those sleeping pills every night for two months, and they really did help me.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Oh sweetie... I'm so very sorry about your little Amelia...







:

No added advice - you've gotten lots of good tips from the ladies here. Just be gentle with yourself, and come back often. This is a "club" no one ever wants to join, but the "members" here are amazing women, so very supportive and loving. We'll hold you while you cry.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for your loss, mama.







I love her name. My heart goes out to you.
















Amelia









We lost Duncan at 35 weeks and my milk came in fiercely. I was in agony. I bought a good sports bra, drank sage tea, but didn't find it until a few days after it came in and used cabbage leaves. I also used ice packs and frozen veggies to help with swelling.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I lost Isabel when she was 3 weeks old, 10 days or so at home and then the rest of time in hospital where brain death was confirmed. I obviously knew basically 3w pp and so started having sex right away. I never asked anyone about how long to wait before sex or trying again. It suprisingly didn't hurt at all, my stitches were healed, bleeding was gone. I started temping and checking my cervix to look for my first pp ovulation. I was obsessed with catching that first egg. First cycle was annovulatory, second cycle broke my heart, 5 day lp. No way long enough to even maybe allow implantation. I was gutted and heartbroken it'd take ages for my cycle to return. However the next cycle was a lucky one.

No matter when you decide to try again I would recommend temping to maybe check what's happening so you can see when things start to return to normal. I don't know about checking your cervix just yet because of risk of infection for the time being.

As for your emotions they're all over the place with the hormones, and with what's happened. Don't worry about anything, it's all as normal as can be. At the start I aimed for a day when I didn't cry, it does come. Then it's trying to remember everything without feeling like the grief is swallowing you up. It's all part of healing. As I said in the DDC the pain doesn't go away, we just learn to live with it.

When you are ready there are all sorts of things people do to remember their little ones, there's a range of memory jewlery or even tatoos, have a look through this forum for ideas when you feel up to it. Someone even just had a balloon release.

A lot of us all have blogs, while it can be sad to read them it can help knowing someone else went through the same thing and felt the same. Simply do what you feel you are ready to do.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

WaitingForKiddos said:


> First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss of Amelia.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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