# should family members bathe together?



## jannan (Oct 30, 2002)

first of all let me be clear. i am thinking about a 4 year old girl and her grandfather, not a mother and her 13 year old son. my question is is it ok? i think it is . but a co-worker, who works in child care, said it is not. and if my daughter told her that she sometimes bathes with her grandfather she would call CPS. What do you guys think. again, most world cultures bathe together. the kids have seen dh and i bathe together. what is the big deal?


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I shower with my 4yr old son, as i did with his brother (until he was almost 5). did the same with my daughter.

however, my husband did not shower with her, nor did her beloved grandpa. my husband has showered with the boys.

i would be a little concerned about grandpa and the 4yr old. it doesnt sit right in my gut.


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## Bladestar5 (Jan 5, 2003)

That depends...is he comfortable letting his children still see him nude? If not, I would wonder why he would feel it is ok for a child. As long as he is comfortable with nudity all around, I wouldn't be too concerned, unless the child says something is happening...then I would worry.


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## lucina3 (Jun 25, 2002)

I agree with sweetbaby3, it just doesn't sit right with me.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Well, I KNOW my parents aren't pervs, and I still wouldn't be okay with that scenario. To me, bathing is a very intimate thing. There are a lot of things that I do with my children, in terms of intimacy, that I would not be okay with other people doing with them. I guess because I've done them since they were born, so it is just what our relationship is. For someone else to all of a sudden start sharing in these intimate activities I think would be weird for the children. It's like, I snuggle with my husband, but don't with friends. The activity of snuggling is itself not sexual (at least not for me) but even so it represents a degree of intimacy that I don't have with my friends, so to go there with them would be completely inappropriate and weird.


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## Nankay (Jan 24, 2002)

I wouldn't think twice about bathing with my own children..or dh bathing with them, but grandparents? Hmmmm..no, that doesn't sit right with me either and my kids were close with both sets of grandparents.


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## Chanley (Nov 19, 2001)

My 2.5 year old daughter has been in the bathroom while my step dad was taking a shower. She may or may not have seen him nude. I know that she has been in there while he was peeing.

I dont mind her seeing nude family members, but if she were to hop in the tub with him, I would be really uncomfortable.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I have to go with the others, it doesn't sit right with me. Does grandpa live with you and act as another father? That might make a difference. My kids bathe with me, but DH won't let DD in the bathroom when he's naked, if she comes in he just covers up, doesn't yell or anything to make her feel bad. He would not bathe with her at this point, she is 3, but he did when she was a babe.

My kids are very close to both sets of GPs but I would not allow bathing with any of them, and I know my parents are not pervs either.

Now, if he were simply clothed bathing her ( from outside the tub) I don't think any reasonable person would argue with that.

Also, if you, DH and DD are all comfortable with it, then that is up to you.

One more thing that I think bears mentioning ( not implying anything to do with this), but I encourage everyone to teach their kids proper names for all parts, the parts of the opposite sex as well, so they know what they are called, if they ever need to express what they are experiencing, and talk talk talk about privacy and private parts.

Also, I would be really careful with this situation that the post referred to, I am sure there is nothing going on that shouldn't be ( I do believe you.








) But, if it doesn't sit well with a group of people like us, you can be sure mainstream society would be appalled. So, be careful who you tell, or who DD tells about this. I would hate to have any false reports made against your family.


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## Colorful~Mama (Feb 20, 2003)

i shower with my 2.5 year old dd all the time. She has bathed with her daddy on many occasions since birth and with her now 13 year old big sister too (tho big sister insists on wearing a bathing suit! LOL)

but yeah, i can't imagine dd bathing with my father. i think it sits wrong too.


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## Missgrl (Nov 18, 2001)

Moving this to The Childhood Years!!!!


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

If I would be comfortable with him seeing me naked, then I think it would be fine...some families, and cultures are just more comfortable with it. If I wouldn't be naked in front of him, no reason she should be either. Hot tubs, door open, mom popping in, are all ways to make this seem a more comfortable "normal" thing. Allowing her with a man behind closed doors I don't know very well might bother me too. My dad used to lie on the floor in the hallway and chat with me after work while he read the paper and I was in the bath when I was a teenager. You just have to go with your gut.


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## jannan (Oct 30, 2002)

my father lives with us . he was dd's caregiver when i went back to work part-time.she was 3.5 months at that time. he still takes care of her when i need him to and is much more closer to her than her own father, i guess this is all happening because i've always been open about nudity. an example: a couple of months ago i was in the bathroom with the door closed. i got my period , as i was reaching for a tampon and putting it inside, dd busts the door open and says "what are you doing?" i answered "i've got my period and i'm using a tampon" "Oh ", she says "you 're putting it in your vagina" yes i tell her and that was the end of that. please tell me that i did not do anything wrong.


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## Ione (Jul 22, 2002)

FWIW, I think you did the *exactly* right thing in the tampon situation... (and I hope I'll be as calm and matter of fact if that ever happens to me when DD is older!)

On the bathing with grandfather situation, I just don't know in your specific circumstances...

I can only imagine the situation thinking of me and my father... and it just doesn't sit right to me either.

But then MY father does NOT have a healthy attitude to nudity, and while I don't want to go into all the reasons for it here, I already know that I will NEVER let *my* DD be alone with *my* father (other than perhaps a few minutes for example when visiting if I have to go to the bathroom) EVER. But that's him. And me. NOT your dad.

All I can say is, you have to trust your gut... and make sure that your DD is perfectly OK with it.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

As I said in my previous post, I thought that if Gramps lived there, it would be different , like a father. So, since you said that is the case, I think it's ok as long as DD is ok with it. However, I would still be careful, because others will not see it as ok.

As for the tampon thing, I use pads and we have constant discussions about them. My kids are always in the bathroom with me (who's aren't?) Anywho DD really wants to know when she can have one of those in her underpants. I keep telling her that it will happen later for her and that it's not really all that exciting. She's only 3, she really wants to know how old she will be, so I tell her 12. I don't know my dear... no crystal ball! She also asked me what her vulva and vagina are for, so I didn't know what to say. I mean I don't want to overwhelm her with TMI for her age, so I said well, it's where babies come from when mommies have them in their tummies. I am all for telling the whole truth, also all for early sex ed. but I think I have to be careful not to overwhelm her with too much too soon. At what age do you all think it's good to explain the whole penis in the vagina issue. I know Mary is too young, but I wonder what age is right. I know it depends on the child, but I'd hate to freak her out too early.

Patty


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Well, DH bathes with DD on occasion and I certainly have no problem with that (she is 4, he has been doing this since her birth and her and DS *love* an adult in the tub with them). Since DD probably sees your dad as a father figure, I figure its the same thing. Also, if this has been going on since she was young, I would be hesitant to suddenly label it *wrong.* I figure my DD & DS will eventually want their privacy, but we will let them decide when.

That said, when DH's mom or dad are bathing the kids (they love it, always have) I sometimes just think, "I wish they would just get in the tub with them" LOL, just seems so much easier. I hate being outside the tub trying to bathe a constantly wiggly kid. Seems to much nicer to be in there with them. But I know that would totally freak out DH's dad!

As for the tampon, that really hasn't come up with us (I only had a couple periods when DD was under two and AF isn't back since DS is still nursing heavily at 17 months). Anyway, after DS's birth though, I used pads and told DD *exactly* what they were.

HTH,
Kay


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I don't think it matters if he lives with you or not. To me, it is just not what seems comfortable or appropriate. I agree with another poster that maybe giving her a bath (being in the room to oversee that she doesn't bonk her head and drown or that the shampoo all gets out of her hair) if he has always been a caretaker for her (like a dad) is ok. But grandfather and granddaughter in the bath together with both naked is not what I would allow. Ever. But I am more mainstream than many on this list.
I also agree that not too many people would need to hear this from you or your daughter for CPS to be called. I understand your point that in other cultures it may be acceptable. But in ours it would not be seen that way. To me, I can't imagine how it would be worth the risk - she would most likely be put in foster care while the whole thing was investigated. Way too much trauma for all of you.
I think you had a great response to the tampon issue.
Kirsten


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## Deb*momof3 (Feb 22, 2003)

I think it all depends on the situation. I mean in this case you are the only one that can decide if it is appropriate. DH and I both bath (well he showers) with the kids and I dont think there is anything wrong with that. If he is like a father figure to her then I would guess it would be the same as my situation.


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## Chelly2003 (Jan 5, 2003)

In my family this would be weird.

Although Grandpa is DS's best friend, and he's our only babysitter - I could never imagine being OK with that.

In our family Mom, Dad and DS bath alone or together or however we feel like it - we all walk around naked if that is what we want........... we also chase each other around trying to "smack the cheeky cheeks" when we see someone else's......
But thats only between the three of us.

Chelly


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I have to agree that a little girl bathing naked w/grandpa is, unfortunately, something many in our society can't handle. Rather than risk it, I'd stick with having a clothed grandpa supervise her bath, and having them play together in swimsuits in the tub or wading pool.

Jess7396 wrote:

Quote:

She's only 3... She also asked me what her vulva and vagina are for, so I didn't know what to say. I mean I don't want to overwhelm her with TMI for her age, so I said well, it's where babies come from when mommies have them in their tummies. I am all for telling the whole truth, also all for early sex ed. but I think I have to be careful not to overwhelm her with too much too soon. At what age do you all think it's good to explain the whole penis in the vagina issue. I know Mary is too young
I don't think so. If she asks questions that lead you to that point, go ahead and explain it. My parents tell me that I demanded a full explanation when I was 2-1/2 and my brother was expected.







Remember, the idea of the penis in the vagina doesn't have to be yucky or scary; her impression of it has everything to do with how the idea is first presented. (I think I have a much healthier attitude toward sex than anyone I know who was innocent about it until age 7 or 8!) Remember too that the vulva is not just for having babies but also has pleasure and urinary functions, which are more relevant to her at this stage. As far as what the vagina is for, tho, I think your explanation is perfect.


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## Mamabear (Nov 29, 2001)

When my kids were 4 year olds I often bathed with them. We would soak, and talk, and play with the boats and plastic sea creatures and generally have a good ol' time. Perfectly innocent and fun.

Jannan, your post made me think about possible future scenarios of bathing with my own potential grandchildren. Thinking of myself in the tub with a 4 year old grandson does not strike me as inappropriate or weird at all. Pretty much the same as bathing with my own kids.

Grandpa should not face suspicion because he is male, or because he is old. You trust him, right?

Nudity does not equal sexuality for goodness sake.

But, I guess you do have to consider the fact that the caregiver may interfere if your daughter says anything. Also, telling your daughter to not tell anybody would be confusing and weird for her. Dang, what a frustrating position to be in about something that, I too, think is no big deal.

By the way, sounds like Grandpa has been a wonderful blessing to the both of you. How nice!

As far as the tampon thing, of course you did nothing wrong! Menstration is a simple fact (and a wonderful gift) of female life, why treat it like it is something to hide?

Go in peace, dear, and follow your heart.


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

If I felt comfortable bathing with someone, then I could imagine my dd bathing with that person. NOt otherwise.

Do or would you bathe with your dad? If yes, I don't see why your dd wouldn't bathe with him (if they both want to). If you don't want to bathe with him, she shouldn't either.

IMO

(ps if the answer is Yes, I envy your family closeness!)


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