# The Case Against Time-out



## Shohanee (Dec 16, 2001)

http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html

The Case Against Time-out

by Peter Haiman, Ph.D.

For generations, parents have sought a reliable and dependable way to handle childhood misbehavior. The most recent and popular discipline technique is time-out. Although time-out is better than spanking, it is not an appropriate way for parents to cope with the misbehavior of their children. Moreover, the use of time-out can create subsequent childhood behavior problems. These problems can affect the well-being of the child and severely strain the parent-child relationship.

Child Behavior - A Symptom

The behavior of children has a legitimate cause. Childhood behavior is determined, for the most part, by how children feel about the current state of their physical and psychosocial needs. Needs are strong in every child, and children are, by nature, sensitive to their own needs. If one or more of their needs are not met, children will soon feel uncomfortable.

Children will cry out when they feel uncomfortable. An infant or toddler's cry announces feelings of frustration. These cries have evolved as a survival mechanism. They attract parental attention. The purpose of a cry is to obtain the kind and quality of parental love and care that will properly attend to unmet needs and, therefore, establish feelings of security in the child. The misbehavior of older children and adolescents is a cry for help announcing that their needs are frustrated.

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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Of course, this assumes a time-out is spent alone. What about the times when a time-out is taking the child out of the situation and staying with them while they calm so you can talk about it? It's still a time out...

You know, there are so many "cases against" I feel like there is nothing you can do!


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## boobykinmamma (Nov 28, 2001)

The author is talking about solitary timeouts--sending a child to another room, alone, until she can "behave." instead of meeting the unmet need that leads to the "misbehavior." Taking the child out of a situation for a break to talk it out and find out why he or she is unhappy is totally different. I wouldn't refer to that as a "timeout" in the commonly accepted sense of the word.

Thanks, Shohanee--great article!


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

Excellent article. I read some similar information months ago which actually helped me decide that time-outs are not for us.

I think for the sake of discussion, the definition of "time-out" is sometimes broadened, and the lines blurred. Very occasionally, DS has a hard time at playdates (when he's tired, over-stimmed, the usual) and I take him onto my lap (preferrably in another, quieter room), and hold him for a time so he can get some support and a "breather" as I've come to call it, from the action. I've never referred to this as a time out and don't plan to but I know many do the same and call it that...

TIME OUT in the strictist sense refers to isolating a child for acting out in some way and this is what the article refers to. Indeed, I can't see how a child can learn anything through this measure of discipline. No support, no discussion. Just a parent's way of stopping behavior that they deem unnaceptable rather than face WHY the behavior is happening in the first place. IMHO, no one wins here...

Thanks again!


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## Ericsmom (Jul 30, 2003)

I have a 9 month old baby and so discipline is not an issue...I am also a school teacher and thought I'd use time outs if needed when my son gets older!!! I know for me, what I hate is when another child hurts another child and if this happens in my class I tell a child time out to go into the hallway..and I leave child there for no longer than a minute by his or herself and then I go talk to the child and that way I have a private space to go and talk with the child about using words and not hitting etc.
What do people use then as discipline? Any recommended books?


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

_Kids Are Worth It_ by Barbara Coloroso (giving children the gift of inner discipline) She discusses in depth how to work WITH your children through discipline; natural consequences vs. punishments, and alternatives to time-out. One of her strongest messages is that discpline should be helpful in teaching a child something, while _keeping their dignity in tact._ That past part is so key in helping children learn...

Excellent read.


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

I have a hard time with time-outs, especially those spent isolated. I think like spanking, its an easy way to end the bad behavior, instead of dealing with the child. Ive had a hard time convincing my dh of my views regarding this.

Thanks for the suggestion on the book. I just put a hold on it at the library and cant wait to read it!


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## alie (Jan 1, 2003)

i never would have agreed with time outs until my second child was born. My older child sometimes needs to get away for a little while when he hits her. I understand that he sometimes feels jealous and upset, but he just cant hit her. When he gets a time out for a couple of minutes, he comes back and doesnt hit her. I talk to him for a little bit and put him in a room with a glass french door, he rests for a couple of minutes, then he tells me, mommy ok, I want to come out now, and he does. He also seems to like the break somehow. He likes to get away from the tension of the relationship. But I never had to use this method before the birth of his little sister. It works well, in this instance. If I keep him in the room with her, things just get worse and worse, the break gives the tension time to dissipate. Id like to hear other thoughts on this, though.


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## angelfromalasaka (May 19, 2002)

that is why we use time ins not time outs. we have a cuddle place where the kids and I go, to calm down and regroup.We teach them how to calm down, then talk about what happened.


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

I use time outs with dd. While I agreed with some of what the article said, I think it made certain assumptions about what a timeout is that is different from how I (and probably many others) do it. Like that timeouts mean that nothing is talked about. Or that a child who is misbehaving simply has to have his/her needs met and then they will stop. Sometimes the needs/wants cannot or should not be met. When I have spent all day playing with dd, and now daddy is home to play with her and I have some work to do and she is throwing a fit and being rude to daddy because she wants me... I sympathize with her but she is old enough now to learn that that behavior is hurtful. Or when she is mad at me for something (say, I didn't give her the junk food she wanted) and hits me. I usually try to talk to her first and then if the behavior persists I tell her to go to our room and think about it for a few minutes. The door is open so she is not isolated from me. After a minute or two, I go up and we talk about what happened; how I felt, how she felt, etc. I am concerned that she will feel unloved in a timeout and so make it a point to tell her that I love her all the time, even when I am frustrated or angry. Since many of our issues come from her trying to control me (not being critical of her, mind you, she is just in that 3 yo control phase and is VERY attached to mommy), when I try to sit there with her we just basically continue our "argument" and it is counterproductive. Letting her be alone for a few minutes gives her the space to calm down a little bit. She will sometimes actually head to her room herself when upset now for a minute or two. I think that's a pretty good skill to learn actually.

That said, I appreciate threads like this because they make me re-evaluate what I'm doing. Timeouts are a useful tool, but I don't want to get lazy and use them all the time rather than dealing with the child, as someone said above.


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