# Goodbye Ryan--wish I could have met you



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I don't really know what to say. I almost feel like life has moved on completely normally already, but then again I'll have little flashes of--anger? sadness?--and think losing our baby was a bad dream.

I should have been about 9 weeks along when I went for my ultrasound. Instead the doctors found two little sacks, one empty, and one measuring at 6 weeks and no heartbeat. We tried to be optimistic but the end was inevitable. I bled for a few days, no pain, and so there was always a spark of hope. Then I started cramping and knew the end was near. DH and I watched Austin Powers while I nursed Baby Girl. Laughing at the movie, holding my daughter, and being by DH made a horrible experience bearable.









The embryo (perhaps fetus--not 100% sure how far along he was) and placenta slid out into my underwear towards the end of Austin Powers. The feeling was disturbing, like a wet pancake. The thought makes me shudder







. I couldn't get up because Baby Girl was nursing to sleep and besides there was nothing practical I could do for the baby. When AP went off I handed Baby Girl over to DH and rushed to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and everything fell onto the floor. I wasn't sure what to do so I just left it (him?) there and went to tell DH. We decided to bag it up and put it in the freezer in case the doctor needed to see it. He didn't, so now we're going to bury it like any other placenta and place a nice plant over it.

We named the baby Ryan. From conception I had a strong feeling we were having a boy. The fact we miscarried just solidified that feeling, since more boys are lost than girls. I figure that he probably had a trisomy. Even though he was lost extremely early he was still very loved. Ryan's movie is Austin Powers (of course) and his song is The Beatles "Long and Winding Road." I'm going to have a little grave plaque made for him to go under his tree/bush/whatever we plant. Whenever that's done I'll take a picture to share.

~Nay







:


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

Nay~ I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little baby. I hope that as the days go on you find some sort of peace in your heart. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. BIG hugs to you!


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## Quate (Oct 24, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself--I went through some strange mental space after my miscarriage.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

hugs to you and your family.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so sorry


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## ellacy (Mar 15, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a treasure to plant something in his honor, a special way to remember and recognize him.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

I am sorry for your loss.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Hugs, Nay.







I'm so sorry that your sweet boy isn't with you still. I know what you mean about sometimes feeling/wishing the whole experience was a nightmare. Sometimes it's almost like I can step back and look at the whole situation, and it's really surreal. But of course when you're hurting, it is very real. I will pray that you can find some peace.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

((hugs)) I am so sorry for your loss.
No matter how early, it is still a true loss, and it hurts.
Healing thoughts to you....


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## MommyinMN (Oct 18, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry . . .


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## Kelly Jene (Jun 8, 2008)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

OH, I am so sorry.


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## ommom (May 14, 2008)

thank you for sharing your experience. it was the 1st i've read (in more detail). sending care.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I know it hurts. I wish you healing and strength.









p.s. I relate to your siggy.


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