# Good book for a tween boy with low self-esteem?



## tankgirl73 (Jun 10, 2007)

My son just turned 11 and has serious self-esteem issues. He believes, he feels that he is 'stupid'. He is intellectually quite smart, but he doesn't try hard at anything, possibly because he's afraid of failing and looking stupid, so his academics have always been a struggle.

But it's not the academics I'm really concerned about. It's his behaviour, and I think that's what worries him too. He realizes that his out-of-control behaviour is off-putting and that other kids won't like him and would think he's stupid. He is emotionally immature, and socially awkward (I'm starting to wonder about Asperger's, but that's still just a wild guess), and he often just doesn't know "what to do." So he feels stupid -- not about intellectual things so much (but that to), but about life in general. That he knows nothing.

This is mostly all from his own words - we had a very tearful discussion about it tonight, which was good after quite a lot of really bad days in a row. Getting to the heart of the issues, I think.

I had terrible self-esteem as a youngster. When I say terrible I mean TERRIBLE, as in often near-suicidal. I was an over-achiever where he is an under-achiever -- a different expression of a similar underlying anxiety (me: I must prove myself; him: if I try, I might fail, so I won't try). So he comes by it honestly enough, I guess. I'd hoped that the way I was trying to raise him would prevent the problems I had, and in other ways we are just soooooooooooo different, but who knows, maybe it's just in our genes.

Anyway... I'm hoping to find a really good book geared to this age group that could help him. So far, books I'm browsing are for younger kids (too simplistic and cartooney) or for adults (too complex, too high a level of mature introspection needed). I can tell him "you're not stupid, you're special and important" etc etc a thousand times but until he believes it, it's only words. Good books can have a way of triggering those kinds of realizations.

Any suggestions?


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

I can't think of any books off the top of my head but I will keep thinking about it.

Is your S in counseling? Those are heavy emotions for an 11 year old. Best of luck to both of you.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Boyhood and Beyond (Christian in orientation) and any of the later books by the author

Do Hard Things


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## TEAK's Mom (Apr 25, 2003)

We recently read Surviving the Applewhites and it might fit your bill. It's very funny and deals with a 13 year old boy finding his own path.


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

If you substitute self-confidence for self-esteem, maybe what you can do is find something he likes to do or is good at and turn him loose with that.

The better he is at something, the more his self-confidence will grow.

I am guessing that something he has to work at to achieve will boost his self-confidence even more. But I understand that since he is not feeling so great about himself right now and is an underachiever, he may not be motivated to work hard or try to do something that requires struggling to make it work in the end.

I don't know of any books.

Good luck.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

A great fiction read is _Gregor the Overlander_ by Collins. It's on about a 4th or 5th grade reading level and is the first book of a 5 book series. It took me a couple of chapters to get into it, but then I had to read the whole series. Comes highly recommended by my 10 year old. Gregory is kinda of a dorky kid who ends up in another world where he is a hero. It really plays into knowing that there is something very special in us that other people can't see. It's also just a great read.

_Sara, Book 1: The Foreverness of Friends of a Feather_ by Esther and Jerry Hicks. This is a new age book written in a story format but really an advice book about how to approach life and how our attitudes effect our reality. I love it and read it to my kids, but would recommend reading it yourself first to make sure that it meshes with your values/spiritual beliefs.

Many books about heros have hero who are quite ordinary or even less powerful than those around them. The Lord of the Ring series, for example, has hobits, who are small, weak, and childlike and yet must save their world. The Chronicls of Narnia have children who become kings and queens in another world. I think that all books like this are good for kids.

I agree with you about books. I read a chapter of a book every night to my kids and I think I will until they move out. Books can tell them things subtly that that don't hear when we say outloud.

You might also consider therapy for your son, or working with affirmations.


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## tankgirl73 (Jun 10, 2007)

We actually have Do Hard Things, he started it awhile ago but didn't get into it. I was going to try to get him back into it again.

He does do things he's good at, but because he underachieves (ie, doesn't put in a lot of effort) at those too he ends up still feeling bad about himself. For instance, he's a competitive gymnast and his coach says he's quite talented. But he goofs around and doesn't try very hard -- he only puts in as much effort as is 'easy', he won't push himself. So he's very good, but he sees other boys who are better. He got second overall in the provincial competition this spring and gold on the pommel, which was a good boost for him. But it still doesn't really motivate him to _try harder_, to try to stretch and push himself to achieve more than just what is easy. He also has a junior black belt in karate and now does tae kwon do, but he kind of just coasts through that as well.

I'll look into Surviving the Applewhites. I also just ordered "What to do when you Grumble too Much: A Kids Guide to Overcoming Negativity." There are others in the series about anxiety, anger, etc as well. It's like a workbook and counselling-in-a-book for kids. We'll see if it clicks with him.

I'll look into the Sara one too. I tend to be prickly about new age stuff, but there's a wide range of stuff considered "new age" and a lot of it is actually fine for me. "How your attitude affects your reality" is exactly what he needs.

He is currently reading Lord of the Rings.







We just finished the Hobbit. He's read Narnia before but I think the theme of children becoming powerful was lost on him.

Affirmations -- we have the Indigo Dreams CD's which he sometimes uses for bedtime listening. It's more to help him relax to get to sleep, I don't think any of the 'affirmation' sides of it have had an effect on him.

When we had our big talk last night, I did mention the option of therapy. I said it was completely up to him but wanted him to know that it was an option. That there are professionals who are trained in talking with kids and helping kids who are having a hard time with stuff. I said if he ever decides he'd like to talk to a professional for more help, to just let me know.

We don't currently have a family doctor -- there's no one in town taking new patients (we just moved here last summer), so I'm still navigating the waters of figuring out who to contact for any kind of medical or psychiatric help etc etc. I have contacted a local autism organization (since I'm suspecting possibly Aspergers) to get information on what we should be doing to get some evaluations. Waiting to hear back from them.

He does have an understanding family, since I suffered horribly from similar problems, and his step-dad has clinical depression and anxiety (currently under control without meds, no depressive episodes since several years, just a mild ongoing anxiousness which we can cope with).


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## Just Elsa (May 18, 2009)

Will he have a problem with the main character being a girl? _Dreams of Victory_ was one of my favorites. She has wild fantasies about being "super special" (a spy, a millionaire) but eventually figures out that who she is is special enough.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

I would put finding a therapist at the top of the list and leave the books aside for now. This stuff is too big for a kid to sort out with books. The fact that you've had anxiety doesn't necessarily make it easier for you to help your child with it. If anything it can just make you more scared about it.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

A book for you: "Look Me in the Eye" might give you some insight to aspergers. The author gives additional information and resources in the back of the book.

Amy


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## bestjob (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm going to put something out there, and it isn't about tankgirl73's son... it is about 11 year old boys.

My kids read Archie comics. They play house league sports. They grumble about helping tidy the house. They don't volunteer in their community. They exist as individuals. If you asked them if they were happy, they'd look at you like you were insane. I was the same when I was 11.

Now I'm older. I do a lot of good in the world. I teach. I'm involved. I care about a lot of things. I read literature. I question. Sometimes I try to figure out if I'm happy, and almost always the answer is yes.

So, I'm wondering why we need to have our kids grow into these roles when they are young. What is the harm in waiting?


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