# go look please



## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

dear support system:
i am at a horrible low. please go read my "im having a divorce"







thread in parents as partners. i need you guys.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Oh, Jess. I am so sorry. What a







. We are here for you whenever you feel ready to talk.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Oh Jess, I am so sorry... I can't find your thread. Where would it be?









thinking of you...


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Jess, I'm so sorry. We're here to listen. Take care of yourself through this - you will make it. If you can survive the loss of your beautiful children (which you have) you will survive this.

My heart aches for you and know that I'm praying for you.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm sorry.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Jess' post.

I'm so sorry...


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

still can't get in - I get the access denied message


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i'm reaching out for hearts to listen, but i don't have the words, although i did just write a blog on my myspace, so i will share that for now.

laughter through tears...

Current mood: sad.

i see this girl. this woman. she is sitting next to the bar and she's laughing. i can tell that she feels whole. i have seen her before. i have seen her at her all time low. i want to tell her how far she has come, but i don't want to refresh her memory, still raw i bet. still raw with pain from the years prior. how did she do it?
how did she pick herself up off the bathroom floor? how did she see blood and walk away without being completely numb? how did she wake up in the morning, how did she fall asleep at night? this girl was devastated. but she still laughed through her tears.
this life, did she ask for it? what happens when we don't make the best of it...? these are the consequences and this is what she faced. one by one the balloons being popped, just like at the fair...only thing is that then you want to pop them. you want to pop them to get whatever it is you're getting. but you want to play alone, it's no fun when you're watching. you want that thing in your own hands. you want to grasp it, only thing is she wasn't allowed.
only allowed to stand by and watch, watch while someone she loved popped them all for her.
ballon #1:security
ballon #2:hope
ballon #3:....love
ballon #4:future
ballon #5:innocence
all popped one by one. right in front of her face, but when the balloons are popped she couldn't undo them. she can never make them whole again. the only things she can do is start over. take out some coins and start again. play the game herself this time around.
the thing is she didn't have anything left in her pocket.
so how did she get by when she didn't have anything left?
she scrounged, until she found coins on the floor one day and went back to play again, hoping one day popping the balloons would mean a victory. gaining back what she lost in herself.
popping ballon 1 again for stability in a lonely world, and boy did she need it.
popping balloon 2 to regain her hope for better days.
demolishing balloon 3 to learn how to love again.
popping balloon 4 for hope that she could one day have a better future.
and finally balloon 5 to, well, she is smarter than that and knows once innocence is lost, sadly you can never regain.
and mind popping the imaginary balloon number 6 that says she can try, try again.
she tried to find her way back home with a broken future, only thing is she didn't know where that was so she moved, she knew that even living across the world would never leave her feeling better, but that going back and facing life alone in a clustered world was the only thing to do.
i see her happy, i see her loved. i don't see the man. there is no need to, for she can stand on her own. with no man. just laughter and an ice cold beer. that's where i see her now. she's stunning, i don't know how she did it. i wish to talk to her and ask her some questions.
i want to know her, see her for who she is now, but i am afraid that she won't know what to say, that i will somehow upset her. her innocence is forever gone, but that does not mean that she can't survive. she's alive, she's in front of me.
she's no longer living her lie. i see her strength through the way she talks to the bartender asking him questions and dancing in her seat. how can she be so happy? how did she walk away from a bleeding, untrue, hard life? she had no one to turn to, and she made it through. i need to take a lesson from her.
she's beautiful, funny, loved, carefree, hurt-but alive.
she's me in the future. i can see her, yet she's so far away.
**i have to add, please please don't bother asking about counseling, H told me that he has never been in love with me, i already asked for counseling, and to make matters worse...i'm miscarrying now


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

H has told me that he is not in love with me nor has he ever been. that's the sad part. no hope of getting back together or changing our lives to make our relationship more of a priority -there is no relationship. we never had intimacy issues, cheating, or addictions in this partnership, that would have made it easier on me, but he is simply and easily _just not in love with me_ we've been married since 07, he said that day he told himself he would "try his hardest" to love me. supposedly he "took me in" out of obligation, because he thought at the time i had no where else to go.
i am so lost and in so much pain. i woke up with a heavy heart and many times last night and couldn't eat yesterday. the only time i woke up happy was when i had a dream that he came out and said "i lied to you and i want to make it work". sad part is....
it's unfixable now anyways. because there would always be doubt in my mind. what do i do? how to i learn to live again?


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Oh Jess... I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through...














I am sorry that he pulled the earth from under your feet, and I am sorry that you're losing the peanut...















I know that you will get to the Jess you see, strong and confident, and whole again. It will take time, but you will find the way one day at a time...
I'm here for you, and I'm thinking of you...


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I posted a bit on the other thread, but wanted you to know I am thinking of you. If you need to talk, I'm here.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jess_paez* 
H has told me that he is not in love with me nor has he ever been.

WTH!?!??!?!

What kind of person does this??? I mean, what, has he "wasted" two years of his life with you? Why would he? that makes no sense. He had to have cared at SOME point!







:

I'm just so angry at him for you... GRR. Personally, I think this is all just a front of his for something else on his part, who knows what... not that it matters. If he's going to pull something so horribly painful like this? Sweetie, you deserve soooo much more than to be treated like that.

BIG hugs. I'm so very sorry he's doing this to you.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i appreciated your post, because i want people to be mad at him too! (lol) he has to be in love with me, he must be so lost somehow. i am holding out hope that he will realize it when we take a step back.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jess_paez* 
i appreciated your post, because i want people to be mad at him too! (lol) he has to be in love with me, he must be so lost somehow. i am holding out hope that he will realize it when we take a step back.

Jess,

He said something awful, but it doesn't make any sense from what you've told us about him. Perhaps he's at the end of his rope (did this come about after you knew you were miscarrying?) and reacted VERY immaturely. During an especially ugly fight, my husband said that I "pressured" him into marrying me when he didn't want to (yeah, no. I made him wait another year to propose because I didn't think we were ready, but whatever). I was SO deeply hurt and after much healing, we've come to understand that words don't mean much to him and mean A LOT to me. Perhaps this is a similar situation. I mean, I remember the poem he wrote you about your little girl... I think he really does love you, he just is lashing out and being totally crappy about it. If you don't want to deal with it, you shouldn't. But keep in mind that he's human and sometimes we say things (especially men...) we don't mean. What he said was AWFUL, but it may not be true.

What do his actions say? Does he treat you right (usually)? Is this part of a pattern or is it an isolated incident? That can be a big part of decided whether you want to stick around or not.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Oh Jess, I'm sure he had loved/cared at some point. He said all those things to be cruel and to hurt you. He said just the right things to make you feel the most hurt.








I wouldn't wait for him though, it sounds like he wants to leave and he doesn't deserve you after what he did. Move on and don't wait. I know it's scary and hard, but just take it one step at a time and never give up







I'm thinking of you


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## btmama (Feb 14, 2009)

Oh, Jess! I barely have words! I am sorry for the pain your DH has caused on top of the pain of a lost pregnancy.







for your tiny one.

Men do say really dumb things sometimes. And, he is young. 27 is really young for men!! It sounds like he is having his own crisis that may really have nothing to do with you.

Don't ever think that what he says or anyone says for that matter defines you. You are who you are- strong and wonderful! Never doubt that or what you shared with your husband that you know was true. You are the only one who holds your truth.








s


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

i am so sorry Jess,
so very sorry!
this is a lot all at once for one woman to bear
maybe you are not really losing either of them?
go easy with yourself and with him
(even though he's acting like a child! it's true men do not mature until they are past 35/40! in my experience!)
give yourself the space to feel but take it slow on acting on your feelings
things might be very different tomorrow

and if they are the same... we are here for you!







you'll be ok!


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
maybe you are not really losing either of them?

I'm holding out hope for this option!


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## shantiani (May 9, 2008)

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry for this heap of pain that just got dumped on you









There is one thing you said on the other thread that put his crazy behavior into perspective for me though....
"it's not you, it's me and i want to be a happier me and get in shape and get out more and enjoy life and he said he needed me and wanted to be with me through that journey of "self discovery", then he says yesterday that it is just inevitable."

He is being a naive and immature and making one of the classic mistakes of young dumb men. In my experience, this is one of the painful lessons people need to learn about HOW to be in a relationship together... he is confusing the relationship with whatever is holding him back from becoming his best self. But what he needs to learn is that self discovery and improvement require effort whether he's alone or not. One of the big tricks to sharing your life with someone is figuring out how to maintain yourself, and continue improving yourself, WHILE being with another person... not blaming the relationship for halting your personal progress or thinking you need to turn your life upside down in order to achieve it. I've had several of my early relationships end over this (in some cases him and in other cases me needing to figure that out). The only thing he's right about is that it really ISN'T you that's causing this.... this is him learning a lesson about himself in a really painful way. And anything can still happen, but IF you truly end up separating, it will be a harsh awakening for him to realize his life didn't magically improve, and that he needs to work to lose weight, and figure out how to find more joy in life. He will be the same person, but now alone, and missing his best friend and wonderful wife.

And as for his cruel words that he never loved you... I don't believe them for a second. For one thing, his actions (getting married for one!) speak louder than his words. People don't just fly their sweetheart across the ocean and marry them out of obligation. He's making ANOTHER stupid young man mistake and confusing your great friendship as being the same thing as just friends. Those of us who are practically old ladies here







know that having a great friendship is one of the best things you can hope for in a relationship! But he's re-writing history and questioning whether he's felt the "right" things all along. He's confused and... in my humble opinion... being a total idiot.









I'm sorry this is such a book, but I just wan to add that if you really do end up splitting up, you will be FINE. You will be GREAT. You've suffered through some hefty pain in your life already and have bounced back like a strong woman. No matter how much it hurts now, you will recover and be a better, stronger, more self assured person for it. You will be that person you desribed in your future. She's definitely you, and you will get there.

So sorry you have to go through all of this


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

wow guys! i am astonished at the time you guys took to reach out to me and it feels absolutely amazing. derrick and i talked about it tonight and he agreed to keep the marriage open. not hault it just yet, i explained to him a lot of things and that i just want to see him happy. i told him that if in the end that he truly wants to leave, i can accept that because i know we tried. we're on the path to a little bit of self discovery so to speak. he told me that he wants to see me stand on my own two feet and not be happy just with him. (he's not talking financially...just being okay with being alone), i told him in my most calm voice







"who chooses to be alone when they could have an amazing partnership?" i told him it like this....
i said, "when you have to be alone, you do. you make the best of what you've been handed, but you don't sit there and wonder what you would do if x or y happens. i said if i had a living child and someone said to me, "you need to learn how to be happy without that child." I would say are ya nuts? you just don't think about things like that. you never wish to be happy alone. you can be happy with ones self, but just plain alone? not this gal. i said "if i died you would be devastated." he agreed of course, and i said "but you're not thinking about that right now, you will think about that when the time comes. " i think i got to him there. a baby, a husband...same thing to me, they're my family! this marriage is part of my family and i don't want to let that go, because he is feeling depressed. i told him we are all human, and if you are feeling that your feelings towards me are not the same as they once were, then i want to be more gentle and kind. sometims i can be somewhat of a pistol. it's amazing i look back and see what we have fought about and none of that matters anymore compared to losing your dh. i mean essentially yes, the fights did mean something at the time, but really in all actuality there was nothing he could do to fix those things. just rants about the past things he's done. *i hold grudges







* so i need to change that about myself. i am much more happy and zen when i realize that people can be both wonderful and horrible and that we are not to blame for their actions. i don't want to bicker anymore. i just know that when i took those vows i intended to stick with them. he is an awesome guy; he's smart, funny, would do anything for me and the ones he loves, he's faithful, doesn't have an addiction. he talks to me all night if i need to. he is just amazing and i want to nurture him back to health.








i hope like h*ll that he wants to try for me. he says he wants to and i am so very thankful. gives me some hope and it will allow me to work on the things i need to without feeling like i have no one to test them out on, ya know?
there might be more updates. but for now, i am just soaking in the fact that i have a chance.
thank you guys so very very much!


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

AbbeyWH said:


> maybe you are not really losing either of them?
> QUOTE]
> 
> i'm hoping for this too!!


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

mrsbabycakes said:


> (did this come about after you knew you were miscarrying?)
> no it came before i knew i was even pregnant. found out the next day actually that i was pregnant.
> What do his actions say?
> he treats me great, we cuddle, intimacy has always been wonderful, we laugh together, he is faithful, has no addictions or spending problems, no abuse, we have always been best friends.
> ...


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## btmama (Feb 14, 2009)

It sounds like your relationship has all the key ingredients for success!









But, you both have been through so much! Wow, losing his mother, too.

After my DH lost his mother, he definitely needed at least a year of space and understanding. He definitely had some moments completely uncharacteristic of himself! And, sometimes negative emotions were directed at me. But, the hospice counselor had told me that it might be coming, and I was able to fortify myself and not take it personally.

The fact that you have also experienced the loss of your Joselyn has added to the burden of grief for the both of you. And, you certainly ought to have emotional allowances made for yourself, too. It is a lot for a couple to face in short time. I hope you both find peace in each other.


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## coffee.caugh (Apr 9, 2009)

what a shame. i am so sorry!

as much as this hurts, you don't need him honey. if he said to you he was taking you in out of obligation, and that he has never been in love with you, what good will keeping the marriage open do.. especially for you?

to me this is just prolonging the ending. you deserve 100% true love and companionship. don't you wonder his intentions or reasoning for this all of a sudden change of heart? after a massive bomb drop like i've never been in love with you i would tell him to have a great life and move on, but thats me.

i'm not in your shoes and i can't really judge, i just want you to not burry yourself in a relationship that you may always second guess or end up being hurt even more in. what if he cheats on you? that would hurt so bad.

in short, there are plenty of fish in the sea darling.







to you!!


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I so SO hope this is simply all about what you are going through together, and not the end of your marriage at all. Perhaps there's some hope here. I sure hope so, sweetie









*HUGE hugs* XXXXXXX


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## ratrodgrl (Nov 8, 2008)

Jess my dear





















!!!!!!!!!! I haven't located the thread you mentioned, but after reading the details you provided here I had a few thoughts. Marriage is 'for better or for worse' and it sounds like he's going through 'worse' right now, I'm glad he agreed to not make any hasty decisions. Losing his mother and his/your baby so recently, I can imagine he doesn't know which end is up right now. LOVE... ah, love. All I can say is, if he's feeling different than he did before you guys got married it's because love has MATURED! A 10-year old child looks a lot different than an infant, right? Not sure if this is part of the problem, but not feeling the tingles of first love/infatuation doesn't mean that love isn't there. I've heard before that love is a verb, it is something that we DO not something that just happens to us. That's why I can love my hubby even when he's getting on my last nerve! Anyways, not sure if that's pertinent to what's going on or not, but thought I'd throw it out there. Also, I think he should be receiving GRIEF counseling, not marital counseling. My husband's mother died in January, and we've been receiving grief counseling booklets by mail. The last one gave permission to grieve 'imperfectly' ... including the fact that we often lash out in anger at the wrong people, at undeserving people. I think he's lashing out at your marriage because he is grieving the enormous losses he's experienced.

Last, ditto what Shantiani said about things not being any easier if you guys split up. His personal issues won't magically resolve. If it were that easy, wouldn't single people have no problems?  DH and I are hitting the 10-year mark in July, and looking back over our years together I would have to say that our 2nd year of marriage was the hardest to work through, and we didn't even have the loss of a parent and a child to factor into the mix. A successful marriage takes a lot of work, not that fun and love won't be there, but there are times when you have to slog through. And breaking up the marriage will not make things easier, only harder.

Best wishes, my thoughts and prayers are with you both, many internet (((hugs))) across the lines!!!


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

And the possibly miscarriage, how are you doing? Is it just the tests lightening?


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Jess,

I didn't get online last night so I'm only just reading this now. Sweetheart ... I am so very, very sorry that you are going through this right now - and I'm in awe of the wisdom you're bringing to the situation.

I've not got much to offer by way of advice. Anything I might have said has been said so well by the wonderful sisterhood here. I'd like to say I'm praying - and I will try to. I seem able to muster up my faith for others if not for myself right now.

I so hope that you and Derrick are able to resolve this and also that little one sticks. You are so special Jess and I long for happiness to come back into the lives of each of us who post here. I will just say that it sounds as if you're carrying a lot of heavy stuff - are you getting some TLC and nurture from somewhere yourself? I hope so.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Oh Jess. So much for you to be going through. I've been with my husband for almost 18 years, and I can tell you that it's not always easy. I am so sorry. No advice, just







and hope for a wonderfully happy future for you


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *no5no5* 
Oh, Jess. I am so sorry. What a







. We are here for you whenever you feel ready to talk.







































(lol)
well just an update...we seem to be doing better. like i said we're leaving things open. we're going to refrain from being intimate.








haha i probably couldn't right now anyways, but we are being affectionate and we even kissed tonight *gasp*.
so hopefully we are going in the right direction. i miss my buddy.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Jess I don't know what to say, you really are going through things. Maybe it's just the stress that got to him. I'm glad you're leaving it open. Don't make any rash decisions and talk it out to see how it's going. If you need a break I'm only 7 hours away! After Isabel died we had one of those big talks about how our life was going and where we wanted to be, but things are fine and even quite positive. You are both under a lot of stress and I think a couple moving to a foreign country, expecially when there are language issues, can put a lot of stress on the relationship. I see it in a lot of brits down here. Just make sure you keep communicating.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Jess's Husband,

What the h is wrong with you? Don't you know that even if you meant it, that is would never ever be OK to say that you were not in love with your wife to anyone but your shrink? Don't you also think that you may be sending mixed messages about wanting your relationship to end while simultaniously TTC? Please promptly remove head from buns and continue life here outside of reality television.

Sincerely,
Rebecca

And Jess, stay strong. You guys have had tons of stress in your early marriage, which is often filled with stress anyways.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rsummer* 
Dear Jess's Husband,

What the h is wrong with you? Don't you know that even if you meant it, that is would never ever be OK to say that you were not in love with your wife to anyone but your shrink? Don't you also think that you may be sending mixed messages about wanting your relationship to end while simultaniously TTC? Please promptly remove head from buns and continue life here outside of reality television.

Sincerely,
Rebecca

And Jess, stay strong. You guys have had tons of stress in your early marriage, which is often filled with stress anyways.

















that's so cute girl! thank you for that, i really needed that.
we made up last night, oh boy. now i am focusing on my 'resentment' lol. you're right, it's simply NOT okay to say that to your wife.







i knew our marriage would go through heck and back sometimes. and i am just glad he is 'home' now.








thank you all for your support, couldn't have done it without all of you. sorry i disrupted the flow of this forum for a minute, but i can relate to you all better and you know me better than any other area here on mdc.







please come to me if any of you are going through something as well. i'm not an expert, but i do have some advice.
and clare.....wouldn't that be awesome?! i would love to see you


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm glad you are happy, Jess. You are a strong and amazing woman and you deserve nothing less than the absolute best in life. *hugs*


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

i had a hunch it wasn't "the end" but i didn't want to belittle your feelings in the moment
but i want to offer a gentle reminder that in times of stress (like the entire first year after losing your child! (and he lost his mom!) whow! it's hard man...) the two of you should avoid making grandiose statements, decisions, judgments, proclamations, etc. when you are still feeling so raw! and now thrown into the mix of feelings... you are expecting again!







:

it's a lot girl! and you're really still just a babe in the woods








take it slow, go easy with yourself and each-other, life's too short!


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Don't know how long you're staying in Spain for but it'd be nice to see you before you move on. We move house mid june so things are a little stressful until then. Oh and we're moving closer to the beach so you could come down for some R and R and taning! The beaches down here are beautiful, google cabo de gata playas.

No matter what happens you will get through it. We all have ups and downs, this is just part of life's fun, just remember in 6 months this will all seem like a dream and be part of 'the past' that wonderful place where things stay and seem so far away.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

that sonds wonderful







derrick & i are packing for valencia as i type. we're staying overnight. i am hoping that 6 mos from now i am in a much better place................







one day at a time; i suppose. thank you for your advice and well wishes!!


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

just one more update







our marriage is the best it has EVER been. i am counting my blessings and enjoying it. valencia was amazing and totally rejuvenated us. thank you all for the support you have shown.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Wonderful!! It's often darkest before the dawn


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

oh jess, I'm so glad to hear that!


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

that was a great update Jess! are you bleeding? My husband lost his mother and son within 7 months of each other, it's a tough spot to be in for a guy who may not be in touch with his 'feelings' side....


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
that was a great update Jess! are you bleeding? My husband lost his mother and son within 7 months of each other, it's a tough spot to be in for a guy who may not be in touch with his 'feelings' side....









yeah i am done bleeding, all pregnancy tests say negative completely now. i had a chemical romance as i like to call it.







i lost the baby, but at the same time that hope/possibility got me through such a horrible time. i had a 'wonky' cycle and i ovulated right after my period, don't know how my body could have been able to sustain the pregnancy. you know? i mean, our bodies need that time to build up a good uterine lining for our pregnancy. this just wasn't the right time. but we will try again in the future, someday. i actually found out i was pregnant when i should have been ovulating! derrick and i are doing so well though. we have had such a great week and now we're enjoying ourselves and going to barcelona for 2 days friday so i am uber-excited about it.







:


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
that was a great update Jess! are you bleeding? My husband lost his mother and son within 7 months of each other, it's a tough spot to be in for a guy who may not be in touch with his 'feelings' side....

i forgot to mention....how horrible for your husband!







at least we can sit back and now realize just how sad it is and that we need to support our partners too, thing was; when we lost joslyn all my strength went into getting myself better emotionally and derrick obviously grieved her, but he was more worried about me, plus add that he lost his mom 2 months after is just sickeningly sad.


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

oh, jess. I was trying to figure out how the little one was doing. I'm sorry you lost the pregnancy.







I'm glad that you seem very positive about things right now though!


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