# We held his body yesterday.



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

_This is what I wrote in my journal last night. I'm just copy and pasting it._

Today is Monday, one week after labor. We took Super-Baby's body out of the freezer today. Still wrapped in the yellow t-shirt, we took pictures of the bundle in each of our hands, and pictures in my hand with my hand in dh's. Then we put it all back in the bag and I left it on the middle of the bed, seriously for fear he'd roll off.

But minutes later, I couldn't take it that we'd left his body alone in there in the dark. I went back in, layed Teddy in the middle of the bed, and put the little bundle on Teddy's belly. Dh and I sat there beside him for a long time. I was crying. I was so afraid that if we left, he wouldn't understand why he was alone and would be scared. I was crying too just sitting there a foot from him as he lay on Teddy's belly, feeling so bad that I wasn't holding him. I sat for a while with my head buried in Dh's chest, balling, yearning to pick him up and let him know I was there.

Eventually we left the room, carefully locking the cat out. Super-Baby's tiny body was left on Teddy's chest to completely thaw before we dared to move the t-shirt and look at him. Hours later, we came back, camera in hand. We laid the package between us, and I gently unwrapped it and picked him up, laying him in my left palm. It didn't take much to say "that's placenta and that's baby." (Dh hadn't seen him at all yet and when [our friend that helped me through miscarrying] showed me, right after I pushed him out, my eyes wouldn't focus and all I remember is 2 different colored sections - reddish and whitish.)

He had badly deteriorated, and the freezer couldn't have helped. But we could move him around with a feather touch. We could clearly make out the backbone and left arm, and we feel pretty sure about the umbilical cord and the beginnings of 2 eyes. In all, maybe 2 inches of baby, and twice as much placenta.

We took pictures. The camera can take clear close-ups. Dh's hand fills the screen in most of the pics (they're very close-up). He was in Dh's hand at the time, so we left him there and I did the pictures. We couldn't move him around much. I took a handful of pics of one side and then turned him once to take a handful of pics from the other side. I was aiming for the parts I mentioned that we could recognize. Dh and I will both stare at them a lot I'm sure, but we'll probably never share them. It'd be way too easy to hear "ew," and we're not gonna risk that.

While Dh held him, I cut the front panel out of the yellow t-shirt he was in. We wrapped him back up in that, then wrapped him in a soft clean baby wipe, one of 2 matching ones that Dh favored from our stash. Then we set him in a clean ziploc, and I put the little package in an empty oatmeal box - back in the freezer. I washed the rest of that t-shirt so we can keep it.

I still am sitting here in tears, wanting to hold him against me. But I know we have to think about preserving the body as best as possible. It needs to be in the freezer, not being moved around or allowed to soften. And I HATE it. Even though it's just a body, I need to hold my baby. I ache to hold him. I want to hold him against my chest just like I'd always planned to do with him, but I can't because his body would fall apart. I need to kiss his little head, but I can't for the sake of not getting any sicker than I already freaking am. This sucks.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry









I am glad that you were able to hold your little one. I know for me, being able to see, hold, and spend time with my little one was incredibly healing. I have many pictures as well, they are very comforting. I treasure them.

Take care of yourself, mama. Strength and comfort to you :


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I shed a tear reading that story.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I'm so sorry









I am glad that you were able to hold your little one. I know for me, being able to see, hold, and spend time with my little one was incredibly healing. *I have many pictures as well,* they are very comforting. I treasure them.

Take care of yourself, mama. Strength and comfort to you :









I regret everyday not requesting an u/s pic of my baby. *sigh*


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i know how hard it is to hold the baby. I hope doing so helps you find peace as it did for me. I wish I had held my son when he was first born, but I couldn't, I just couldn't bring myself to do it and I was still trying to get my body to deliver the placenta, so I had them take him away. I also knew that if I had held him at that point, I would not have wanted to let them take him away, I wouldn't have wanted to give him back. But the damndest thing happened after we did go see him and hold him. When we first held him, he looked grumpy, frowning, mouth downward and crabby. when we left and had said our goodbyes, he wasn't crabby looking anymore, his forehead was smooth and he looked almost like his mouth was turning up a bit at the corners. I know his body was just a shell for his little spirit, but it was the most amazing thing I've encountered with losing a loved one, and I have lost many.

May you find peace. I know it's hard, but it does help with closure.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apmama2myboo* 
But the damndest thing happened after we did go see him and hold him. When we first held him, he looked grumpy, frowning, mouth downward and crabby. when we left and had said our goodbyes, he wasn't crabby looking anymore, his forehead was smooth and he looked almost like his mouth was turning up a bit at the corners. I know his body was just a shell for his little spirit, but it was the most amazing thing I've encountered with losing a loved one, and I have lost many.

Oh wow, that's crazy... DH and had the same exact thing happen with our little one. I felt awful because the baby looked so irritated at first with a little scowl almost, but towards the end her mouth had turned up some and the scowl was gone. It made me feel so much better just having that happen.

Eeek... sorry for hijacking!


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
Oh wow, that's crazy... DH and had the same exact thing happen with our little one. I felt awful because the baby looked so irritated at first with a little scowl almost, but towards the end her mouth had turned up some and the scowl was gone. It made me feel so much better just having that happen.

Eeek... sorry for hijacking!









scowl is exactly it! and I am sorry for hijacking, too.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Don't worry about the hijacking girls. Your stories make me wonder if maybe Super-Baby knows we held him. Perhaps God tells our babies these things. I've asked God a few times now to tell our babies we love them - so it seems reasonable to me.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Don't worry about the hijacking girls. Your stories make me wonder if maybe Super-Baby knows we held him. Perhaps God tells our babies these things. I've asked God a few times now to tell our babies we love them - so it seems reasonable to me.

I like to think that the soul that choose to come stay with us, even for a short time, still visits... so maybe they do know. Yeah, I think they do know.

On that note, I swear I felt a presence off and on during labor with my little one. I felt very calm and comforted by it. I felt like my little one was a guardian angel at that point, watching over me during labor.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
On that note, I swear I felt a presence off and on during labor with my little one. I felt very calm and comforted by it. I felt like my little one was a guardian angel at that point, watching over me during labor.

This catches my attention. The 2 days before we knew something was wrong were the first 2 days I didn't feel alone when other people left the room. I could sense that I was with my baby. But it has driven me NUTS because on the second of those 2 nights, we found out he'd been gone for weeks.


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss









I also held my tiny baby (just an inch long), and stared at him for a long time. His perfect, unimaginably tiny, perfectly developed hands and feet. The spinal cord. Amazing. I took pictures, too. It really helped with the healing process.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly,

Words alone cannot express my sorrow for you. I never got to hold my sweet daughter except for her ashes, which are still in my china closet until we bury her after her due date this spring. I pushed her out and was not really awake. She was baptized and then the undertaker came and took her. She was cremated and that was the 2nd worst day of my life.

All I know is that your Eden, Super Baby, and our Hope, Avery and Jo-Jo are playing together in heaven.

Please take care! I'll keep praying for you and your DH!!!

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

Your story really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing it. My heart goes out to you. It reminds me how much I ache to hold the baby I lost, too. May all their spirits be in wonderful places and some come back to us.


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
This catches my attention. The 2 days before we knew something was wrong were the first 2 days I didn't feel alone when other people left the room. I could sense that I was with my baby. But it has driven me NUTS because on the second of those 2 nights, we found out he'd been gone for weeks.









Thank you for sharing your experience. I felt the same thing with Rowan. Her presence was with me, even though she had already died. She stayed with me until I was able to tell her that I loved her so much and that it was okay to go. We would be alright and she could leave. I felt her presence leave and went into labor a few hours later. I am sure she was there to take care of me until I could finally feel how much I loved her and was able to let her go. It's something I feel so deeply in the core of my being that it's an absolute truth to me. I don't know how else to express it. Our babies love us more than we could ever imagine.
















Take care of yourself.


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## forsythia (Sep 27, 2006)

Thank you for sharing your birth story with us. You have touched so many women and my heart goes out to you...


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for your loss


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## editmom (Dec 6, 2006)

Hi Sweetie, yes it has taken me this long to get here and to your log. I am so sorry for your loss and also very glad you chose to hold him and take pictures. It does help to remember there was a real little human boy. Peace.


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