# Some things on my mind...



## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I've been going through some new emotions and just wanted to get them out there because it seems to help. I have moved from grief about losing my baby to grief about losing my daughter&#8230;. all the milestones of life, the woman she will never become and the potential that will never be realized. It's amazing all the plans we begin just after seeing those lines on the pregnancy test&#8230;how much would she have looked like her sister? what would her personality have been like? All these thoughts have been driving me a little crazy.
I also am feeling angrier than ever about the randomness of this kind of loss. I can't watch the news anymore because I get so upset at the stories of people harming, neglecting, murdering their children. Why do people like that get to have children and then there are so many people that wanted and loved a child so much and lost&#8230;or never are able to have children. Good people who would be wonderful parents&#8230;.I am so angry about this and just can't get past these thoughts lately. I am having sort of a spiritual crisis and also just feeling emotionally exhausted from grieving.
Thanks for listening. I hope tomorrow is a better day&#8230;.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I hope that tomorrow is better for you too.

I have no advice, but I'm sure that's not what you're looking for right now.










Healing Wishes,
Kelly


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

:HUG I am so sorry you lost your daughter. Yeah, it sucks. I see these women or stories on the news with children that they starve or abuse or just outright kill, and I just think to my self "Ok God, we are gonna have to have a loooooooooong talk when I get up there." I just wanted you to know I have felt exactly what you are expressing.
Gossamer


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela,

I have had some of the same feelings you are experiencing. So many news reports of children being mistreated and or their death was caused by their own parent. I saddens me to no avail, it seems so unfair. I do not have a first child to compare things with, but I was a nanny through school many years. And I can not stand to see kids be mistreated in public by either their parents snatching them around or putting them down. Just today, I was in Target with my friend (she convinced me I should get out of the house) and this little boy was asking his little brother "where's mom", and looking around after about the third time of asking he looked a little scared and his mother came out from behind a display and said to me "they know that I don't mess around and will leave them right here in this store," then started to fuss at them. I know that this is probably nothing to anyone else, but to me at that moment I wanted to say "you don't know how lucky you are" and I almost started to cry. It may have been too much for me to be out today , because I became emotional a couple of times. A friend of my friend asks me "did you have surgery recently (as I am still walking kinda slow) I told her yeah, but couldn't bring myself to tell her. I was kinda mad at my friend for not telling her about my loss, but I guess I really can't blame her. I am kinda a private person and am sure she was tryig to respect that by not telling her. I am getting to that angry phase as the days press on. All I can say is I hope it passes before I open my mouth at the wrong time. I hope that tomorrow will be brighter!!! Please, take care. Sorry if I rambled too much!!


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

What you said about starting to grieve the daughter really rings true for me too. I was in church and somebody sang "the Circle Game," and I was bawling my eyes out, and thinking at the same time, I should be happy that this song is about my SON's future, but instead I'm grieving because it's NOT going to be with this second child, who I feel was a daughter. "Should" never gets anywhere--but it helped me realize why I was feeling so distant from DS.

When I started doing some artwork about this whole thing, that grief came out as a closed rosebud, with the stem cut. The whole lifetime of love was all there, ready to unfold endlessly--and all that gets to be is the bud. It stays closed. That hurts, it's terrible, and at the same time it helped to name that, so I could know how big the love is that I am grieving from.

My heart is with you. I'm so glad you can name your feelings here; I think it helps us heal, to just honestly acknowledge what it is like for us.

Peace
denise


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Thank you all for your supportive words.

Sarah, I went through this period of time shortly after Adelaide died where I would see people being short with their kids and I would have to bite my tongue because I wanted to just scream at them" Your kids could die today!" I also had a hard time seeing pregnant women and not going up to them and saying "Do you know what could happen to your baby?" It was like I wanted to prepare them for the worst just in case because I was so incredibly unprepared for an emergency birth as my pregnancy had been low risk and so healthy. I had always skipped all the parts in the pregnancy books about cesarean because I was so sure it would never happen to me. Anyway, these impulses have pretty much faded.
Please never feel like you're rambling too much-this is a perfect place for just that, get it out of your head, it helps.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

I felt kinda weird today crying a lot, very sad and couldn't talk much without crying most of the day. My little sister came over (she is 30) and said that she knew it might be inappropriate but had I thougt about anything like this all being the Dr.s fault, maybe there was something that could have been done. (during my first and second stress test, the nurse stated that the baby was not as reactive as he should be, and the last stress test she stated that he was hardly reactive, but came back after talking with the Dr. and stated the Dr. said to "go home and do what got you in this mess and come back tomorrow". Then the next day I went in and she checked my cervix asking if I had ever had anything done to it like a biopsy or something because it was unfavorable and very unusual to her. I heard the baby's heartbeat when she used the doppler, but I was still scared. I asked her if seh could do a c-section that day. She said she wouldn't be at the hospt. until the following wed. and if nothing had happend by monday she would sched for that wed. I went home and used the bathroom and saw blood and felt cramps so I called the Dr. office and the nurse said I was fine, that it was normal after manipulating the cervix. Luke was gone the next day when I went in for another stress test. So it gets me to thinking, but then I feel like it has happened to so many other women am I just being paranoid? Should I take my record and get a second opinion, would it really even matter? It wouldn't bring him back. I don't know what to do. The Dr.'s and nurses have been so nice to me since I feel like maybe my sis is right, are they just trying to cover their butts? I hope you day was better, I hope tomorrow is brighter, I have an appointment with a new MD (primary care Dr.) to see what is going on with my blood pressure. Wish me luck!!

Thanks a lot for the ear!!


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I just want to say that i still wanna shout at people sometimes when i see them with their children. It does seem so unfair that so many bad parents have healthy kids and I did everything right and my daughter died for no reason. I have been struggling with this lately - with the idea that nature is cruel. I guess i always had this idea that nature is perfect and kind and loving but its not true. Nature is cruel - look at all the poor tsunami victims. Its hard for me to accept.

I can also totally relate to wanting to tell every pregnant woman what could happen. I felt betrayed that no one had warned me about how many babies die. I had some false idea that babies never die anymore past the first trimester. I hated (and still do) seeing pregnant women. I admit that whenever i feel angry about them being pregnant, i remind myself that i don't know what they have suffered in their lives. Its sick but its given me comfort to imagine all the pain in others lives and measure it against my own.

Sarah: as to getting a second opinion i think that it is up to you. You're right that it won't bring your son back. It may give you someone to blame and focus anger on but ultimately that won't lessen your grief. If i were in your shoes, i don't know what i'd want to do. I think my husband would definetely be looking hard to blame the doctor. Sometimes its better to know as much as you can and other times i think its almost comforting to think that your child's death was not in anyone's control. I don't think you need to decide right away.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
I agree with berkeleyp that you don't have to decide right away. My daughter's stillbirth was caused by a placental abruption most likely caused by the large blood clot the MD found when she opened me up. (I have since found out I have a clotting disorder) There is no one to blame in my case, just the cruelty of nature. Of course since that day I have replayed the events leading up to her birth over and over wondering if there was any way her death could have been prevented. I think that if I didn't have any answers I would probably do everything I could to figure out why I had a stillbirth or if I thought the MD had been negligent and could be risking the lives of other babies and mothers I may look at the situation further and possibly get a second opinion. You might want to get your prenatal and birth records just in case you choose to get a second opinion or for your next pregnancy if you choose to change doctors. Hope your MD app. went okay. Take care, Angela


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Just want to chime in with hugs for each of the grieving moms here. You are in the middle of the hardest part right now. I can't even articulate what I'm trying to say, I keep typing, but it's bringing back the emotion of how hard it is, and so what I type doesn't make sense! Please know that you are responding appropriately to an unthinkable tragedy. Losing your baby is so traumatic that trying to do normal things like go to Target makes you feel like you're in an alternate reality.

I still get surprised when I hear pregnant women talking like they're actually going to have an alive baby at the end of their pregnancy. I think, "Wow, they're awfully confident."

That urge to yell things at people does subside. But looking back, I wish I had the strength to rebuff some of the more rude people who were so hurtful at the time. I still cringe when I remember some of the things that were said to me. Maybe it would do people some good to hear how out-of-line they are!

More than anything, I'm just so sorry. Please know that this is the hardest part. Those first few months you're just trying to grasp your new reality, it takes a while to absorb that your baby really did die. I remember seeing baby items and thinking, "Oh, this is what I need for the baby." And then it would come back to me and I'd have to process all over again that there wasn't a baby anymore.

Oh, and take your time in deciding what to do about the doctor. I filed a complaint with the medical board against my midwife a year after Kevin's stillbirth. Then it took another year for them to open an investigation. But I'm glad it took so long, I really don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with the investigation any sooner. Go and ahead and request your records, then give yourself a while to think about it. And it's entirely possible to file a complaint out of concern for other mothers and babies, it doesn't have to be a process filled with revenge and bitterness.

Sending love and support,
Katherine


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I wanted to thank you guye for the input. I talked with my Dr. today (she has called to check up on me twice, since I have been home) and she asked about the visit to the Oncologist (sp) to see what the Dr. said. and asked if I had another appointment setup. She also ask about how I was dealing with things and so forth. I think I really like her and I told her that I have not made the decision but if I do change Dr.'s it would probably be to another Dr. in the same group who Delivered Luke that night. I feel like if I could have the same people in the hospital that I had that night, i would be in good hands. Some people say they need a different experience all together. I think that I feel comfortable staying where I am (for now anyway). Everyone seems so sincere and knows my history and risk factors. Hopefully we will be getting some results within the next couple of weeks. My body still hurts and I am wondering.. how long does it actually take for the pain in my lower ab area to heal from a c-section. It will be three weeks thursday. Sorry for the





















on your thread Angela, I hope you are having a good night. Talk to ya soon
Sarah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah, wanted to respond to your question about healing from your c-section. It was about three weeks until it didn't hurt when I would get out of bed and it took about five or six weeks until I didn't have pain when I would lift something. Even then though, I would get a dull ache in my abdomen if I was just too active in a day or did something too strenuous. I am about three months post- partum and I feel back to normal, only pain there when my daughter jumps on me or something. I hope your healing is uncomplicated and quick.
By the way, really don't ever feel like your blah, blah, blah-ing on this thread- it's about what's on your mind. Feel free to Blah, blah, blah








- Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

Thanks, you always know how to make me feel understood.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-
Just popping in to see how you are doing.. Hope you are having a peaceful day!!

SArah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
Thanks for reaching out to me. I have been pretty moody lately, kind of feeling tired of grieving but I know I just need to feel it through. It has also been really nice here and my daughter wants to be outside constantly which limits my computer time. I think it is good for me anyway. I hope you are well and that you had a nice weekend.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

I felt a little irritable with the whole thing myself.. and then thought.. If I can just get through this and focus on getting healthy... then I can move past the greif into remembering and honoring Luke..

I have been about 70 lbs over weight for at least 6 years (not including the weight I gained with Luke) I have had every excuse in the book why I didn't lose the weight or why I gave up.. but this.. this horrible awful thing happened to me.. loosing Luke.. has made such an impact on me that I will NEVER take anything for granted again.. I am going to get healthy and I am going to live.. if only to keep my son alive in spirit and reach out to other's in pain.. I WILL birth a live child and raise him or her to be gracious for everything life offers us.. and I will die knowing that I did everything I could to make this world a little better!! Wow!! let me get down off my high and settle down.... Anyway.. I know you can get through this we are going to have crappy moody days and it is FINE!! I am glad that you are able to get out with your daughter!! I bet she is just a cutie pie!! I will keep you in my thoughts Angela.. Peace to you!!


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Thanks for the pep talk. Some days I just wish grieving could go faster, I feel like I am so sick of being sad and down a lot of the day and then other days I feel like I am negating my daughter and my loss if I am not wallowing in my pain. Then there are some days that I have no choice, I am just sad about it all and just want to be really sad a while. Actually those feelings can shift within a day and within an hour. I guess that is what I mean by moody-and it is tiring!
I know what you mean about not wanting to take anything for granted. I feel a lot like losing Addie is a wake up call for me to work harder at living my best life. I know you have mentioned before wanting better weight and health and your determination is evident in your words. I know you will be working hard at this goal and I know you can do it! Please continue to let me know how it is going.
Thanks for all the support lately.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

Don't mention it!! I will keep you up to speed!! I hope your days get a little peaceful// I am sure the ride is not over for me either.. so I will give you my good days.. as I will be seeking you out for my not so good days!!







Take care!!


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