# How do you do it? (coping with two children 16 mo apart)



## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I have a 16 month old and a newborn and I can't imagine how anyone does this successfully. It seems like one or the other is always being neglected while I'm tending the other. I don't believe in allowing a child to cry without attempting to soothe them but it seems like one or the other is always crying while I'm with the other. Today my 16 mo old sobbed because I had to leave her while she was going down for a nap because the baby had an explosive BM which took me forever to clean up. By the time I got back to my 16mo she was in such a state she could barely catch her breath. I knew having them this close together would be tough but this is horrible. I feel like the worst parent in the world. My poor 16 mo has no idea what's going on and can't understand why I can't cuddle her whenever she wants, why I can't lay down with her for naps any more, why I'm not always able to respond to her immediately. It's worse because my DH works out of town and I only see him a couple days a month so he's not able to take up the slack. I really don't know how mothers do this. Had I known how hard it would be to have them this close together, I definitely would have waited. It's way too hard on the older child to have them this close and it's way to hard on me. Does anyone else feel this way and how do you cope?


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))) Oh hun I imagine it is so hard! You sound so torn between your two kids. add to that the fact you are on your own a lot, holy cow. You've really got your hands full. I can only think of a couple of things here- first off, do you have anyone who can help, even for just a few hours a week? Family, friends, church people, la leche league aquaintences, anyone? How about having the baby in a sling so you can have a hand free for your toddler? Also, when baby is sleeping, make that extra cuddle time for the older one. Make meals as simple as possible- fruits and veggies, bagels, sandwiches, ect... your kids wil be the focus of your energy here for some time!

Remember this too shall pass, and your kids will be so close in age that they'll play together. You'll get through it.


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## queen620 (Jun 9, 2002)

my kids are 14mo apart today they are 3yr/38mo and 2yr and 24mo. It is still very wild in my house.

HEre are a few things I learned that first year

*Only do that which is neccessary for survival(laundry, dusting kitchen whatever is a must for you) Mybe use a diaper service or disposables for a few weeks until things calm down.

*Get in a routine (even if you weren't into one before now is the time. ) (if you aren't opposed there are a few good books about getting babies into a consistent routine I really liked the babywhisperer...I liked that she talked about learning you baby's cues and then following them. I found her stages of sleep to be soo helpful, and she never advocated CIO. If I laid my son down during the "seven mile stare" he would go to sleep with hardly even a wimper. He would just gaze around and then be asleep.

I know many here think routines are horrible but for me they were a sanity saver. Getting my baby into a consistent routine really freed me up to pay more attention to my toddler. And once we were into a good routine I knew at X time we could go to the park or grocery shopping and baby would fall asleep in car or sling. Just remember when reading take what will work for you versus an all or nothing attitude. You may not like her style, but find her lists of baby's movements to be very helpful. To be honest I realy just remember the stages of sleep. Don't really remember any of the other bad vibes I have seen listed here.

*KEEP on top of stuff (when things get smoother get caught up on laundry and stay on top...do a load a day, even if it isn't folded it is clean







)

*Use shortcuts/or order out. This is of course if you have the extra $$ to do so

*NEVER REFUSE HELP I had a list of todo and when anyone asked I said yes, you can do this...fold laundry, clean kitchen , empty dishwasher...or watch the kids so I can do it!

*NEVER LEAVE OLDER CHILD ALONE WITH BABY. I left the room only to come back and find my ds sitting on the baby while in the bouncer. Now is the time to get a playpen...SAFE PLACE for baby when you must leave the room. (I am not suggesting you leave baby or toddler in it all day long, just for when you must use the bathroom or take a shower. )

*Make wise use of babyswing, saucer, bouncy seat.I know many here would object to using these at all, but when you have two this close they can be a real life saver for everyone. I could read a story or get my toddler settled down for a nap while the baby played happily in the bouncy seat. I felt sometimes it was neccessary to put my toddler first when all was going well with the baby.

*CHILPROOF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING...this includes obvious stuff like not putting knives in dishwasher while toddler is pulling everything out...my ds ran off with my kitchen knife, I cam out of the keitchen to see my then 16mo holding the knife up in front of the baby swing.

*GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK I found and still do find that I am way to hard on myself. I am amazed some days that I got through the first six months. Once you get in a good groove everything will change b/c the baby is pulling up and getting in the toddlers toys. I still deal with this one everyday.

*STOP AND ENJOY THE LAUGHTER There is lots of laughter in my house, and there was even more when they were younger. Joshua would love to make Noah laugh. Joshua would show Noah how to spin the toys on the swing. He would push the swing and Noah would just laugh. It was so sad when we moved Noah into Joshua's room at 9mo, but after the intital tears we would wake up and hear them laughing at each other. Talk about a nice way to wake up.

*try not to rush your children into the next stage. Mine are two and three and I long for the baby days of just wanting to be held. They rarely want to be cuddled anymore...it is a brave new world!

Sorry to be rambling, but the first year is soooooo hard, and very lonely. Try to keep in contact with friends whe possible. Maybe find a good MOPS group, or MOMSClub in your area.

If you had horrible day know that tomorrow is another day.
Sending you good wishes,
regina

PS
jsut wanted to say my dh also works 75+ hours and swing shifts ,s he is of very minimal help...most days he simply falls asleep while he is supposed to be watching the kids.
So most of these suggestions came out of my life b/c my dh was less than helpful during the first year. (HE broke his elbow three days after ds was born...elbow wasn't set until he could see a specialist which took four weeks, so everynight after work he would come home pop his vicodan pain pill that he couldn't take during the day, b/c he couldn't funciton. Was in extreme pain when holding or lifting our kids for several months. And jsut argued about my ds colic... I must be doing something wrong type of discussion almost every other night for six months. And then he lost his job when ds was 5mo, got a job but was struggling with SEVERE depression, and not useful, and then became steady after starting a different job when ds was 9mo old. So for us that first year with a baby and toddler was INSANE.


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## Tori (Apr 3, 2002)

My kids are 5 days short of being 14 months apart. I can still remember the day I brought #2 home and they both started crying at the same time!
I know it's hard and it actually is a blur to me now but I'll tell you some things I remember doing although i hate to admit them. It might make you feel like your not such a bad person when you hear my stories.

I was lucky with birth order my dd (#1) is very independent and #2 ds is more lovey and clingy very easy going. I would lay down and nurse the baby while my dd was falling asleep at nap time and even if the baby and I fell asleep too and woke her up at some point it was enough of a nap to get her by. I would try to sneak out with the baby and get him to fall asleep after she had fallen asleep so I could sleep too. I didn't try to do anything but nap whenever I could! I also would let my dd sleep on the floor if that where she fell asleep. She never would cry to sleep, sometimes I didn't even realize she was ready for a nap until I would look up and see her asleep.

I loved my sling!!! That would knock out the baby and I could go outside and play with dd for a long time and he would just sleep away. We would run errands etc during the day which kept us busy. Not that I wasn't busy but it gets depressing if you stay at home all the time with two little ones.

I felt that the magic age when it all got better was when the baby was four months old.

keep supplies everywhere so you don't have to leave to go do this or grab that. I never used my changing table.

It seems so hard right now but each day it will get easier and it seem so far away. I am a single mother so I know how lonesome and hard this can be.

Even though you had to let your dd cry for a few minutes, you didn't for her first 16 months and you came right back to her. You will get the hang of it don't worry.


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## shanleysmama (Mar 9, 2002)

Big hugs to you, mama! I know it can be soooo hard sometimes. My kids are 20 months apart, and many people (including me sometimes, LOL) feel that is still too close together.

I was watching a video of my youngest the other day - where he's learning to walk, his first birthday party, etc. - and I don't even remember this stuff! The first year of having 2 kids was such a blur!

Things WILL get better as you get more into the swing of having 2 kids. A sling is a definite must. I took a walk with the kids every day - pushing DD in the stroller, and DS in the sling, just to get out of the house. Plus I belonged to Mom's Club, so we always went places with other babies so DD didn't feel left out, she had other kids to play with, or other mama's would fuss over DS while I played with DD.

You are NOT the worst parent in the world, if you didn't care you wouldn't have posted, right? Hang in there, get some outside help wherever you can, and chant "this too shall pass".

Melanie


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## steelmagnolia4 (Apr 10, 2003)

Hi, I'm new to this forum but I remember feeling so much like you when my 4th baby was born 20 months after my 3rd. My 3rd baby was/is very very high maintenance and while my 4th one is very easygoing and not demanding at all, its hard in those early days when they both need you at the same time!

I agree with most everything that has been posted so far and don't have too much more to add other than for me the first year was REALLY hard and its slowly getting better. They are now able to "play" together (my DD does not do indpendent play of any kind though so if he doesn't play with her then she wants all of my attention). After a bit, they do settle down and begin to understand that all of their needs cannot be met all at the same time. Sometimes your toddler has to wait and sometimes the baby has to wait. Be gentle to yourself that you are not harming them by them occasionally having to wait for your attention... they do adjust and I don't think mine feel neglected at those times now... its just the way it is when you have two littles and one mommy!


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## bananasmom (Aug 2, 2002)

I'm due with my 2nd in November; our daughters will be 18 months apart. Just wanted to thank all the great moms for your fabulous advice. *amcal*, I hope things get smoother for you soon. You sound like a very caring mom. Best wishes!


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## geekmom (Jan 12, 2002)

2 of mine are a few days less than 10 month apart. The first thing is to take a deep breath and remember that a newborn with any other kids in the house is very difficult, but with one that you can't manage with words is very, very hard.

The first thing I did is give myself a break, emotionally, and just decide that everything couldn't and wouldn't be perfect. A guilty mother isn't going to help anything.

The next thing is to try to keep ahead of everything possible. Make sure everyone is eating and getting changed and all BEFORE you think they need it. Set out clothes for the next day the night before, etc.

When everyone starts crying (I had a 2 year old and a 4 year old at the same time as the two babies) I go from most in need or youngest first. So if the newborn, the 1 year old and the 3 year old were crying, the first thing i'd do is assess the problems. If the 1 year old is hurt and the 3 year old is mad at his brother and the baby is bored I take care of the 1 year old first. Get him to the point where he is not crying then move onto the baby and then the 3 year old. The 3 year old I could do some talking to while taking care of the baby.

My main suggestion is to try not to get too anxious about crying. As a mother you know which crying is panicked or pain or something and everythign else can wait. Just breathe through the first year and after that it gets easier. Mine are now 17 months and 27 months and even though they're always busy destroying the house they can both get around on their own and therefore are much happier.


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## feebeeglee (Nov 30, 2002)

My DDs are 15mos apart and DD#2 and DS are 21mos apart.

It's really hard. I missed my older DD and resented DD#2 for it. DD#1 was/is a real mama's girl so it was very hard on her to have to split me. I remember feeling my heart break when both girls needed me and I had to choose which one got my attention. It made it hard to bond with DD#2.

I was tandem nursing, which helped, but was soooo tiring. Also, family bed/cosleeping. There is no way I could have done it and kept (semi) sane without that. I found that it helped me so much to be able to snug DD#1 up to my back while lying down nursing the baby. I felt like I could meet everyone's needs that way, mine for rest/cuddle time with older child, DD#1's for mommy time, and DD#2's for mommy time and food. All of my pleasant memories from those times come from family bed.

It really is all a blur though. IT GETS BETTER! I'm glad mine are close. And DS has been a breeze cuz if I could handle high-needs DD#1 and a newborn DD#2 I can handle any other normal situation, IMO!

Keep it up mama! You can do this! As my midwife said, "But you _are_ doing it! Look!"


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## crazymom5 (Jul 8, 2003)

My first two children were 14 months apart. It was difficult in the beginning since my daughter had health problems during those first couple of months of her life but I made it. As they got older it was easier. They were best buddies. I can help you past age 3 though because my son was killed at the age of 3.

Once again I am doing the close in age thing again. My two youngest children are 25 months and 10 months old. (15 months apart). Sometimes I wonder how I do it myself but I know it will get easier. Hang in there!


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## mum22dd's (Oct 12, 2002)

Mine are further apart, but the experience is almost the same.
The others moms gave the same advice I would, especially Queen926.
I would mention wearing clothes (you probablyalready do this) that you can easily move about in. I find I spend a lot of time on the floor, especially so I can somehow give both kids a part of my lap. Getting down to their level has also given me the best leg muscles!
Ok, little one is in the plant pot, gotta go.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Well my dd and ds are 20 minutes apart...

... so yes it CAN be done!!! :LOL

I actually think that when dc's are less than 18 or so months apart, it sometimes makes sense to read some threads in the Multiples area or a book or two about twins. Some of the challenges are the same, most importantly with regard to how to still be AP, meeting each dc's individual needs, and not resort to what I call "assembly line parenting". There have been some really good threads in the Multiples forum about this. When both dc's are too little to amuse themselves or help themselves for too long, it's very hard.

The key is... just do it. Don't over-analyze it. Do what comes naturally, accept that things will be topsy turvy for a while. Get help when you can (dh, a neighbor, a relative, a friend) to take your toddler to the park while you have "mama time" with your baby... or stay with the baby while s/he naps so you can go on a short walk with your toddler. Use a sling for your newborn so s/he can just self-serve







while you play or go on an outing with your toddler. Don't beat yourself up if you have to compromise and do things you might not do if you just had 1 baby or had children spaced further apart. And get a minivan!!! :LOL :LOL


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