# How to tell someone they are endangering their child?



## ihugtrees (Oct 16, 2008)

My cousin just had a new baby, and every.single.picture of the baby on their Facebook, they baby looks like it could suffocate any minute. She is wrapped in a blanket, laying on a blanket, all very loosely--not swaddled...in many of the pictures, she is in a crib with tons of pillows and stuffed animals and a GIGANTIC stuffed bumper!! She is sleeping in these pictures, so I don't think they were just posing her? I'm truly worried for the baby's safety, and am surprised no one else has said anything to them about this. I honestly don't know them that well...have only met my cousin's wife a few times, and we chatted about pregnancy since we were both the first to get pregnant. I'm not sure how to mention it without coming across as rude and know-it-all.

Any suggestions?


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## poiyt (Jul 6, 2008)

I dont see the big deal. Lots of people use bumpers - even though, I know, they arent advised. I never swaddled my kids, we co slept and used whatever blankets we were using. The babes didnt get a pillow, but I used mine, yup, because something needs to support me as I nurse all night...The stuffies arent really a concern until the babe can move...I dont know,..

If it was carseat sleeping, or proper use Id say something for sure, but this just isnt on the same level.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I also don't really see the issue. I think the anti-blanket thing is overblown personally. I think a baby sleeping in a crib away from mom is at greater risk than a baby with a fluffy blanket... but that's my bias.

-Angela


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## nathansmum (Nov 13, 2003)

Hmmm, in my country most parents cover their kids with blankets. It was only upon joining US message boards and seeing pictures that I realised that the babies in cribs slept with no blankets.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Tons of pillows and a fluffy bumper are NOT safe, they just aren't people.
I'd just post in a comment "YIKES!! She can't have all of that in her crib! No pillows, bumpers or stuffed animals in the crib, mama, she could suffocate"


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristaDJ* 
Tons of pillows and a fluffy bumper are NOT safe, they just aren't people.
I'd just post in a comment "YIKES!! She can't have all of that in her crib! No pillows, bumpers or stuffed animals in the crib, mama, she could suffocate"

This is immediately going to put the mother on the defensive and will accomplish nothing - and she will most likely delete the comment.

Instead, comment about the setting of the photos.

"Wow! Look at all those cute baby items! How did you manage to get all of that stuff into one photo???? Too cute!!!!!"

By engaging the mother, she'll be more likely to share with you, and you'll be able to find out if she "stages" her pictures (sometimes I use loose blankets for backgrounds) or if she really does have her baby surrounded by pillows.

I really think that we, as mothers, need to be more supportive of one another without being harsh, and I will be the first to admit that sometimes, I need to listen to my own advice.


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## petey44 (Nov 6, 2008)

:


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

I personally don't see that as too big a problem. We've never followed the no blanket, no bumpers, no stuffy rule in our family.
When our infants still slept with us they were in the midst of a jumble of pillows, duvet, baby blankets, humans and sometimes, before he was booted off the bed, our dog.
And they always had bumpers and blankets and siblings in their cribs.
I think my kids would have totally lost it in a blanketless, empty, drafty crib after being in our bed.
I guess it's just comfort level of the parents, I'd not say anything, it will only cause ill feelings and embarrassment.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I'd probably comment something like "She's so cute - just sleeping like an angel! What a sweetheart! I thought I read it wasn't a good idea to leave stuffed animals and loose blankets and stuff in the crib, though? Maybe it was just for the photo, so I shouldn't say anything, but better safe than sorry, right?"


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

:
I really like what she said.

She could have put baby down for a pic, then baby fell asleep. Or maybe that's just a nap place, and she checks on baby frequently, and makes sure everything is away from his face. Maybe not, but I wouldn't want to alienate her by assuming the worst, yk?


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## ihugtrees (Oct 16, 2008)

I am not anti-blanket altogether...but I've personally watched my own newborn wave her arms around or start kicking, and pull a blanket over her face. If you saw the pictures, I'm sure you'd see what I mean. I definitely don't want to put anything that will put her on the defensive...I asked my mom to to take a look, then maybe give a word of advice as a 'veteran mom' instead of it coming from me.


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## ihugtrees (Oct 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
I also don't really see the issue. I think the anti-blanket thing is overblown personally. I think a baby sleeping in a crib away from mom is at greater risk than a baby with a fluffy blanket... but that's my bias.

-Angela

I agree with this. I will cover my baby's legs with a blanket when she is in bed with me and I can hear if she is struggling at all. However, this baby is in another room, in a crib, and they have obviously tucked this stuff in close to her...like stuffed a stuffie above her head, crammed her in between a few pillows, etc. She is like in the middle of a pile of cotton!


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Why don't you just send her a private email with the link to an article about safe sleeping arrangements?


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Why don't you just send her a private email with the link to an article about safe sleeping arrangements?

Very good idea.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
This is immediately going to put the mother on the defensive and will accomplish nothing - and she will most likely delete the comment.

Instead, comment about the setting of the photos.

"Wow! Look at all those cute baby items! How did you manage to get all of that stuff into one photo???? Too cute!!!!!"

By engaging the mother, she'll be more likely to share with you, and you'll be able to find out if she "stages" her pictures (sometimes I use loose blankets for backgrounds) or if she really does have her baby surrounded by pillows.

I really think that we, as mothers, need to be more supportive of one another without being harsh, and I will be the first to admit that sometimes, I need to listen to my own advice.

I'm all for supporting other mothers and getting closer to people but if I see a baby in immediate danger (ie: a newborn in a crib full of pillows) I'm not nearly as worried about nice as I am getting the baby out of danger. What if the baby suffocated while you "engaged" the mother and earned her trust? I'd have to give the mom the most point blank info ASAP and worry about niceties later, there's just too much at risk.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristaDJ* 
I'm all for supporting other mothers and getting closer to people but if I see a baby in immediate danger (ie: a newborn in a crib full of pillows) I'm not nearly as worried about nice as I am getting the baby out of danger. What if the baby suffocated while you "engaged" the mother and earned her trust? I'd have to give the mom the most point blank info ASAP and worry about niceties later, there's just too much at risk.

From the OP, you don't know this is the case (as I said, the photo could have been staged), so why make an assumption and risk alienating the mother? Keeping an open dialogue just might lead to the realization that the assumptions were wrong.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ihugtrees* 
I agree with this. I will cover my baby's legs with a blanket when she is in bed with me and I can hear if she is struggling at all. However, this baby is in another room, in a crib, and they have obviously tucked this stuff in close to her...like stuffed a stuffie above her head, crammed her in between a few pillows, etc. She is like in the middle of a pile of cotton!

Have you been over the house? Is the baby like this all the time? Or are you only going by a few photos? Also, what is the time span of the photos? Are they single dates? Are they the same settings spread out over multiple dates? This could help you (and others) make more accurate judgements.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I think 'omgz get that baby out of there' is not the best approach, but neither is making false platitudes to earn someone's trust. It's manipulative and that shines through. I would message her privately, say from one new mama to another you just wanted to mention this in case she hadn't considered it, so many things to learn and keep in mind with a new baby and you didn't want to be a know it all but just wondered if she was aware. And leave it at that.


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

Blankets (and similar items) do increase the risk of suffocation if a babe is sleeping alone, in a crib, in her own room. But, if a babe is sleeping with momma and daddy, these items do not pose a threat.

Before accusing the parents of endangering their babe, make certain that these photos were not simply staged.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I struggle with this, a mama on another message board I'm on recently lost her baby due to having a blanket in the crib during nap time...she was checked on frequently but it only takes a couple minutes for baby to sufficate herself in a blanket.

I'd play it off as staged something like "LOL good job staging a 'find the baby among the dolls' picture! What a cutie." and see how it plays out from there. If she dismisses it as if baby is always like that then you can gently mention that you read on the news about a baby sufficating in her stuffed animals or blanket, hope that plants a seed...if she's worried about baby being too cold point her in the direction of some nice swaddle blankets or blanket sleepers.

Good luck.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I definitely would NOT (even if I knew her well) put a comment on the photo. If you feel something needs to be said send her a private e-mail.

If I got something on a comment I would (as a pp mentioned) delete & at the same time disregard it. If someone took the time to send a kindly worded e-mail with links I would take it a little more kindly feeling someone actually cared & wasn't just being critical.


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## AGF (Aug 6, 2009)

Since you are a new mom yourself, I would just send her a message saying something like:

Hey Lady,
Just thought I would send along this list of safety tips for newborns that I am finding useful. My daughter/son is exhausting but such a joy! How about you? How is everyone?
Hope your family is doing well!

and then attach a list of both sleeping and other general safety tips.

HTH.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

I would do what a PP said and engage her in conversation. Feel the situation out before making suggestions.

Tangent: My husbands mom wanted to show us home moves she just had turned into DVD's. There was a scene where she puts my husband in bed with a bottle. The crib was loaded with stuff. I bit my tongue while my husband said "Holy crap. That's just SIDS waiting to happen."


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthie's momma* 
Blankets (and similar items) do increase the risk of suffocation if a babe is sleeping alone, in a crib, in her own room. *But, if a babe is sleeping with momma and daddy, these items do not pose a threat.*

Ummmm.... since when? Those things can ALWAYS pose a risk to a baby, with or without mom and dad right there. There are so many factors that play into it that you cannot just make a blanket statement like that. If a baby is sleeping in a bed with mom and dad (who are both heavy sleepers or on drugs, even prescription drugs sometimes, or drank alcohol that evening or are obese or... whatever) that child is STILL AT RISK, especially if there are blankets/pillows/stuffed animals/whatever in the bed with them.

And this is coming from a mom who co-slept for 3 1/2 years with my ds. But I did so safely. Yes, I still used some blankets and pillows too.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

"Ooo she's smaller and cuter than the toys! Where do you store the toys when you aren't using them in photos?"


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## Oliver'sMom (Jul 17, 2007)

I wouldn't comment on the photo either. Just rubs me the wrong way for some reason.

I had a similar experience on facebook. An old friend of mine from high school had pics of her very little kids forward facing in their car seats with the straps very loose and twisted.

I ended up posting a couple you tube videos on my wall about the importance of extended rear facing and proper car seat installation.

A couple days later she emailed me thanking me for posting those videos because she had NO CLUE that she was putting her kids in danger. She said that she turned them around that day.

Commenting on a photo or emailing directly really puts people on the spot and/or defensive whether you're gentle about it or not. I'd just post the info where everyone can see it so this mom isn't singled out. Plus, you never know who else may benefit from seeing it!


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oliver'sMom* 
I wouldn't comment on the photo either. Just rubs me the wrong way for some reason.

I had a similar experience on facebook. An old friend of mine from high school had pics of her very little kids forward facing in their car seats with the straps very loose and twisted.

I ended up posting a couple you tube videos on my wall about the importance of extended rear facing and proper car seat installation.

A couple days later she emailed me thanking me for posting those videos because she had NO CLUE that she was putting her kids in danger. She said that she turned them around that day.

Commenting on a photo or emailing directly really puts people on the spot and/or defensive whether you're gentle about it or not. *I'd just post the info where everyone can see it so this mom isn't singled out. Plus, you never know who else may benefit from seeing it!*









I think this is a great idea!!!


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## laurelg (Nov 27, 2007)

I think the best thing to do would be to email the mom, and say:

"Hey _______,
I loved the pictures of your babe in the crib... but did you put the toys/bumpers/etc. there just to stage the pics, or have them there all the time? I wanted to bring it up because letting your kiddo sleep with those things isn't safe, so just in case I thought I'd send some links:
[link]
[link]
I'm a new mom, too, and I know how frustrating it can be when people feel the need to tell you how to take care of your kid. Please take this with the love I intend - I know there are _so_ many things I didn't know, safety things I didn't even imagine could be an issue... so I wanted to share a little bit to help you out.
If you have any questions or want to chat, give me a call!
With love,
[yourname]"

Or something like that. I would NOT leave a comment. Posting something to your wall isn't a _bad_ idea, but there's always the chance she won't see it (I don't keep up with wall posts hardly at all) or that she will guess you posted it because of her and be offended you were passive-aggressive instead of just talking to her about it.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

People are so different it's just hard to know what will work. I'd be offended by a wall post about crib safety, it does seem passive aggressive to me. I'd also be annoyed by a private e-mail like I was being called aside by the teacher or something for being bad, lol. To me a comment on the photo that is to the point and honest would be the most well received but obviously it totally depends on the mom's personality. Definitely DO SOMETHING though; can you imagine if you didn't tell her and the baby suffocated


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Whatever you do, please let us know how you make out!


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

I still regret in my early days of facebook posting a couple things, before I could think about them throughly. Comments on CIO and car seat safety. I tried to be nice -- "Oh, she's such a cutie! And the harness straps are all snug, chest clip at arm pit level







Great job! But the car seat tech in me has to mention that snow suits aren't safe in car seats!" but the post soon disappeared. It's hard, as facebook gives us an "in" to other peoples lives that you don't get in other ways. I would never know that my high school friend was doing CIO with her infant in another state, etc. I would either send a nice email like the one laurel suggested, with a full disclaimer like she included "I'm a new mom to... I know it's frustrating..." or post links on your page.

On a brief other note-- blankets, crib bumpers, pillows and stuffed animals are not safe. I recognize that there are issues about the data regarding safe sleep, and that many parents become defensive about safe sleep because of that (ie- bed sharing, roll-overs, etc.) but I would really like to see an data anyone has that indicates that suffocation is not the real issue, ie "SIDS" in most cases. In many Michigan counties SIDS rates dropped by 90% or more when they started doing scene re-enactments and discovering how these babies were found. It's awful, and tragic, and in MANY cases PREVENTABLE. I do not debate that there are often other issues at play. We co-sleep, I understand the irritation with this issue. But to me, this is like rear-facing a car seat. It's a no-brainer. Suffocation is a risk for infants.


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