# Guilt



## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

I am not sure how to do this. But here I go.
It was 3 weeks ago today that I was told they could not find the heartbeat. I was 36w5d.
We were so happy. Just married, just got the house, room painted, clothes bought, lotions, soaps, rubber duckys, pillows, toys that could not be used until he was 2. We were ready. Now everything sits in his bright blue room, that I can not get within 5 feet of.
Even the picture of him taken after the delivery, is in there. I had choosen to to see him. Not like that.
Now I can hear him cry, even though he never took a breath. I was told it was the cord, it wraped around him. How?? I didnt lift anything, move anyway I wasnt supposed to, never smoked, drank, not even tea. Wouldnt get my hair done, because of the chemicals. Wouldnt eat anything bad.
So why do I feel so guilty? I cant look at his parents, or my parents. I feel I let them down.
I cry for an hour because I wash my hair. How come I have the right to go on? I failed him and yet I am supposed to do everything "normal". I do it, for those that expect it. But the guilt is enough to drive me mad.
So I was wondering, am I ever going to get over feeling guilty?
We are going to try again, every fiber of my being wants to be pregnant again, now. Though I am absolutely terrified of it. And what happens if I do get pregnant again? I do not want to feel I am trying to replace him. I hate what happened. Yet I would never trade getting to know him and feeling him grow; for a few months I was the luckiest woman, and mother.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. It was certainly nothing you did or didn't do. Accidents happen randomly. It doesn't make the loss any easier, but you do not need to add guilt to your grief. You will grieve, and you should, and grieve deeply. But, you do have to find a hope to cling to, or a thread to pull you along, so that you can rise up from your grief, and go on. Life is still wanting you to live it. You and your husband will have to lift each other up from this, and go on for each other. You will get to the other side of your grief.








again. I am so very sorry for what you are going through.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so so sorry for your loss.
I also lost my son 5 days after he was born, that was a a year and a half ago. Do I still feel the guilt? yes, a little. sometimes more than other times. But I have worked on letting it go each day, it takes time.
The "should haves" or "what if's" will always be there, but try to stay away from them, you can drive yourself crazy. It just is.

Your son knows how much you love him and knows you did your best.

Go easy on yourself mama. It is a difficult road you are walking.

peace to you.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I couldn't help but reply.

I am so sorry mama. I know how it is to think that it was something that we had done that caused our babies to die. My son died due to me having very low fluids, which caused him to compress his cord and killed him. But there is nothing we can do now, even though we would do anything to bring them back. Like another poster said that I have come to believe also, is that it is just a random thing that happens, even though it never should...

Please try not to feel guilty. Everyone knows that we don't intentionally do anything that would cause this to happen, and we know we would do anything to have prevented it. I know I feel very guilty about my son, since he would still be here if I wouldn't have worked and went to school, if I would have drank a lot more, if... But it is true that the "ifs" will drive you crazy.

I don't believe that any pregnancy after loss is replacing a child. I still have my son and now I have a daughter, which I concieved the month following his birth. I always think about my son, and he will NEVER be replaced. I truly did not do enough grieving though, and still have those tough moments...

There are plenty of mommas here who have been though similar situations unfortunately, and they are available here to help you through this situation.

Again, I am so sorry about your son.
Mary


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

bbaron--

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this.

To feel guilty assumes you have total control during a pregnancy. Something you find on this thread is that oftentimes, the mamas have very little control, and that's a scary thought. But it is reality. Sometimes bad things happen, and it's nothing you did.

So it is your job to get up each day and move forward, because it is what the survivors do. It will get easier, and that is not a betrayal of your son. You won't ever forget him.

It sounds like you were the best mama you could be to your son while you had him. He was very lucky to have you. And you will treasure your future children so much more because you had him.

Take care, you deserve it. I'll be thinking of you.

Keri


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

bbaron,
I am so sorry for your loss. you ask why do you feel so guilty? You feel guilty because you are your baby's momma and it is your job to protect him. Iknow that's what I was thinking when I lost my daughter. If anybody could keep her safe, it should have been me, but instead my body failed and she died. The grief is horrible and all consuming for a while. The guilt is too. But I decided that when people thought of my daughter, I wanted them to be able to talk about the joy she brought me. I wanted people to say "Mary Rose was here for just a short time, but she gave her momma strength and joy." I did not want people to be able to say "Mary Rose's death destroyed her mother." So, for her sake, I tried to be strong and just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. That's all you can do. It does get better. SLowly but surely. And you may not even realize it until you look back and think to yourself, "I didn't cry yesterday."
No child can replace the one you lost. I always tell people that I have a hole in my soul the exact shape of Mary Rose, and nobody will ever be able to fill it. If I had 12 more children, I would still be missing my first born. THere is no replacing your son. But you can love and cherish another child.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope this board is of some comfort to you.
Gossamer


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i think that guilt is a natural reaction when your baby dies. the phenenom of conception, the growing baby, birth... we take it for granted that it will just happen. that isn't true at all! it happens and it is a freaking miracle when nothing goes wrong. our babies grew in our bodies. like gossamer wrote, we are their mother's, and we are hard-wired to take care of them. when they die, of course we would feel responsible somehow. i worried that i ate too much peanut butter and coral had an anaphelactic shock from it, inutero. i worried that my illicit behaviors in my youth were catching up to me, both physically and spiritually, karmicly. i worried i went too long past my edd. i second guessed all the decisions i made that during the pregnancy i thought were progressive and wise. maybe she would have been alive if i had a conventional ob/gyn that c-sectioned me at 39wks so they could make a golf tournament. i will never know. but one thing is true, all of the decisions i made were made out of love for her, with her best interest in mind. who knows if they were wrong or right.
i have chosen to really fight off the path of guilt. i focus on the great things i did do for her. i loved her.
none of that will make what happened change, but the things i can do emotionally to not have her death destroy me too, well, i take small steps in that direction.
i have found so many caring, loving moms here, and none of them deserved to lose their baby. the personal guilt remains, though. i don't know what to do with it. like i said, when i have a thought of guilt, i intentionally replace it with a thought of what i did right, for her.
i am so sorry you have lost your baby.


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## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

I am so sory for your loss - reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Your pain sounds so deep. It was not your fault - everything is not under our control.

Thinking of you and your baby.


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## Mama8 (Mar 6, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. It was nothing you did or didn't do that caused the death of your child. It was just a terrible accident.
I too battle with guilt occasionally, my son died 2 1/2 years ago. If I had done.....or If I had not done.......
We are supposed to be the protectors of our children and it feels awful when we couldn't be. We can feel like we have failed our children. Even when we could have done nothing to prevent their death.
I am so sorry your baby died and I hope in time you will find a measure of peace.


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## napua (Feb 1, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I think guilt is only natural. As said above, when you are a mother your main goal is to love and protect your child. You did nothing wrong and I hope that you can find your way through this awful time. Grieve as you need, I hope that you can find peace.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.







My son died when he was 21 days old.







I got pg again right away after he passed, and honestly having another child helped me to heal more than I could ever say. It's not that way for some, but for *me* it was the best thing to do. Not that my new son took Ryan's place-that could never happen-but having a little one helped w/ the aching arms and helped my broken heart.

I pray you find peace. Please know that it wasn't your fault.


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## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

Thank you for all your kind words and helpful advice. I am sorry for all your losses as well. Without woman to lean on I do not know where I would be.
In all honesty I do not know where I am now. I have found friends on here that are honest, they tell the truth without sugar coating. It is a nice change from everyones "When God closes a door he opens a window" Really? Now my son is a door? And where is this freakin window? Crack? I just want to see a crack of light!
Yesterday was horrible. As I have gone back to work (way too early) now my emotions are running ragged. I am going off on people for no reason. I am crying while talking to people, for what they think is no reason. And I am absolutely sick to my stomach with everyones attitude that just because I am trying to get back into "life" that I am now miraculously all better.
Do people actually think that a loss as deep and painful as this actually goes away with a few weeks? And a few, it will be ok's?
I am now feeling myself going into a dark place. I get so angry so fast. At nothing. Yet at everything. Going to see the doctor that did nothing when I told him that at 36w5d the baby was not moving as much, and then when I called to ask what is wrong with the baby, and then I called again to tell them I was bleeding, and his worthless butt did nothing but say "Its normal". I think that has set me off. All I wanted to do was kick him in the head as he was checking to make sure I was "physically fine". Physically, I'm great. Emotionally, losing my son who should be one month old today....................

So, does anyone else feel like they are on a roller coaster? What emotions are there left?


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i just wanted to tell you that it is TOTALLY expected and in fact healthy to feel the rollercoaster effect.
not many people are going to understand how you feel...
sometimes the support you need is support you have to ask for and arrange yourself- from a counselor or a support group- because friends, family, coworkers, they may try, but sometimes it is all wrong, can make things worse, or they just are not prepared or equiped to know what to say or do.

honestly, i find i have no control over when and how intense the grief is. i try to actively grieve- feel the feelings, the whole spectrum, when they come, and then let them pass. all of the 'experts' i have counseled with have told me the more active grieving you do now, the less intense grief you will carry forward decades from now, it will be less complicated, and the emotional healing can happen...
for me, it has been 17 months from coral's birth and death. i am blown away at how terrible i still feel. i imagined by now i would have made progress- whatever that is- but it is within my mind, my heart, and my soul, and for that matter, my physical body. the pain is right there. i miss her, it hurts so bad not to be able to be with her. so i checked in with my therapist- i 'confessed' to my dperession, my fresh grief. was this normal? she told me yes, totally. at least 2 years for grieving. 2 years, maybe more, maybe less, but that is the average.
so going back to work and feeling the way you do- it would be more wierd if you actually were adjusted and peachy keen- i swear, what do people think??? when people asked how i was- sometimes i lied. it was easier because the person wasn't worth losing my moment of calm over, if that makes sense. and sometimes, it was so freeing to just say 'i am doing really bad- i am grieving. i am getting by, though...'. i remember the way you must be feeling. it is such a struggle. the hardest thing i have ever had to do- continue living when i wanted it all to stop. it just didn't make much sense to me the new world that was missing my daughter. i didn't want to live in it- i wanted to live in the one where she was born, she cried, we put the little hat on and took her picture, gave her my breast, drove her home, and lived pretty much happily ever after. that initial world without her felt cold and surreal, one dimensional. meaningless, cruel, and frustrating, because it was like i didn't speak the language anymore. no one understood.
the thing is, all the women who i've met since then who lost their babies, the amazing thing is somehow the days go by and eventually we get to where ever we are now- 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, 18 months, 2 years, 3, 4, 8, 15, 20 years... and the pain won't go away. the loss doesn't get erased by time. i think we learn to cope with it, and if we are lucky, things happen that teach us it is alright to smile again, to laugh, do things, make decisions, all without our babies, and it somehow becomes ok to do it, without guilt. because i remember feeling a ton of guilt when i first realized i laughed at something after she died. it made me sick. but, we are human, and laughter and joy are a balancing factor in our lives. it has to happen, so when it did, i accepted it, because even if i didn't feel good about feeling good, i accepted that my mody and mind needed a break from the hardcore pain and loss that ruled my days and nights.

i wonder if you might be able to take a break from work?

one last thought. when it got so bad, it hurt right down to my bones and it weakened me, it felt like i was going to break... the love i felt for coral, if i could focus on it, that one feeling carried me through the worst of it, and it still does. i allow that love to live inside me, it is real, and it is a constant balm to my sadness. she died, but my love for her is endless and timeless. in this way, i am always amazed at how improved i am as a person because of this new love i know, the love a mother knows for her child, whether that child is with them or not.

much love and peace to you...


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gossamer* 
bbaron,
I am so sorry for your loss. you ask why do you feel so guilty? You feel guilty because you are your baby's momma and it is your job to protect him. Iknow that's what I was thinking when I lost my daughter. If anybody could keep her safe, it should have been me, but instead my body failed and she died. The grief is horrible and all consuming for a while. The guilt is too. But I decided that when people thought of my daughter, I wanted them to be able to talk about the joy she brought me. I wanted people to say "Mary Rose was here for just a short time, but she gave her momma strength and joy." I did not want people to be able to say "Mary Rose's death destroyed her mother." So, for her sake, I tried to be strong and just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. That's all you can do. It does get better. SLowly but surely. And you may not even realize it until you look back and think to yourself, "I didn't cry yesterday."
No child can replace the one you lost. I always tell people that I have a hole in my soul the exact shape of Mary Rose, and nobody will ever be able to fill it. If I had 12 more children, I would still be missing my first born. THere is no replacing your son. But you can love and cherish another child.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope this board is of some comfort to you.
Gossamer

I couldn't agree more. In fact, last night I found my self crying myself to sleep over guilt. I had a uterine rupture and feel sometimes as though my body and myself failed our daughter...so I know exactly how you feel. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong and none of this is your fault.







..my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


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