# how would you handle this behavior in a 3.5 year old?



## eastkygal (Feb 19, 2006)

Discipline is my weakest area of mothering. I am impatient, and easily frustrated. I was raised in a spanking home, though I never did anything that got me a spanking. My sister did often. Yelling was my mother's choice tool for discipline. By my teenage years I did not respect her as I should have and was great at tuning her out.
Now, to me and my girls. DH and I don't spank, of course. We have made use of time-out, but it just seems to make tantrums worse for DD1. I've tried time-in, but she is very hands off especially when she is mad. It aggravates her too much to work.
Here is some of the things she does recently that needs discipline:
-pushing her toddling sister down hard
-running from me when it is time to put on clothes or shoes
-going in rooms with locks on the doors and locking us out
-using my natural skin care products while locking herself in a room on her eczema covered hands, burning them and wasting my products
-whining and crying over TV time and sweets. The latter was introduced to her by her grandparents in large quantities when she visits them despite us asking them not to. The first was ramped up during a recent prolonged illness she had where she couldn't play much.
I want to make her understand that there are bad consequences to her choices, that I am trying to protect her and her sister, and that sometimes our choices are punishable. How do I do that in the realms of GD, because right now I'm yelling way too much for my comfort. Even growling sometimes which makes my DD2 jump out of her skin. I don't like that at all. I'd love some advice.


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## babsbob (Nov 17, 2005)

Have you read "Scream Free Parenting"? That helped me put some things into perspective.

3 1/2 is a tough age. My DD was very dramatic at that age and still has those tendencies at 4 but we're working on it. We don't use timeouts - I ask DD to find someplace to calm down until she can control her hands (if pushing is the issue) or to use calm words. I work with my two on talking calmly to each other, asking nicely for turns, etc. If things degenerate before I can help them work it out between themselves I try to get them to empathize about what happened, apologize and then give them the opportunity to try again using calm words to ask for what they want.

Here's what I would do for your other situations:
Running from me - I would just go on to other things and not chase her. I would go get myself dressed or my younger one dressed and ask her to let me know when she's ready to get dressed. Don't make it a power struggle - rather empower her to get herself dressed or at least make the decision to get dressed.

Locking herself in - can you disable the locks? Otherwise remove anything in the rooms that she could hurt herself with or get into and then just treat it lightly - say "See you when you come out". Again don't make it a powers struggle - she may be doing it to get attention or maybe she wants time alone - either way, I would just leave her alone until she's ready to come out if that's possible.
Using your products- Put your products out of reach and offer her a cream that is good for her excema. Also, in my experience excema is often an indicator of a food allergy. Have you looked into this already?

TV and sweets - that's a tough one. I actually run into the same thing - TV during illnesses and mom giving them candy. They got so much candy at Easter! If you want to watch less TV then you just need to engage them in other activities. If they get to watch TV they have to agree together what they are going to watch calmly. And the rule is they can have a small amount of candy after nap time. If they cry and whine I insist they use a calm voice to ask me for what they want. If they want candy and I am not time for candy I offer them two or three choices of what they can have in a calm but firm voice and just repeat as necessary until they either find something else to do or choose a healthier choice.

I don't do punishment or discipline we just try to work things out together. And I try to stay calm and creative as much as possible.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

My youngest daughter was (and still largely is) quite impossible about getting dressed.

Sometimes it helped to make it a silly game (put the shirt over her head and say "oh no, where did she go?" "where are your arms?" etc.)

Anyway, my other advice is:

If she runs away from you in the house, don't chase. Making you chase is part of the game.

Disable those locks and put dangerous things out of reach.

Spend time with her doing fun activities, if you think her negativ behavior is a way of seeking your attention.

Take those tuning out skills you learned as a teen and apply them to your daughter's whining. I think most kids whine. I'd just say "I'm sorry you are upset, but TV time is over/that's all the candy you can have today." and let her whine until she realizes it's not working.


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

I think you need to rethink your goals (your last paragraph). What you want is a calm home with everyone getting along. Your daughter is only 3 years old and there are lots of years to worry about lessons about consequences.

I agree with the other suggestions and have some other. Don't have sweets in the house.

Whining is a parent taught behavior. If it never works, children won't do it.

Watch the children to make sure the younger one doesn't get knocked down. I know it's tough, but it's your responsibility. It's one of the difficult things about having children close in age. Don't yell, no lectures about feelings and being gentle.


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

I took the handles off of doors with locks for about a month within the past 6 months. DD2 just turned 4.

For rough handling, just comfort the victim, and move on. That way, you are showing what we do when we hurt someone.

Time in can just be time with you. One of my DD needs physical space, but she likes to sit on the counter while I cook or she likes for me to brush her hair. Time in isn't necessarily about teaching a lesson; it can be about creating a space for a child to regroup.

Lock up your skin care stuff. I have a friend whose son is just fascinated by it all, and it is beyond hi impulse control to leave the stuff alone. Better to avoid the pattern or break the pattern. You can try to teach her more about it when her impulse control is better.

And I like the recommendation about just tuning out the whining, especially if you have addressed any underlying problems. Whining is just a way to complain and voice displeasure. It's understandable, but that does not mean you have to set yourself against it or give in.


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## Ligeia (Jul 24, 2006)

I would highly recommend looking into food allergies since you mentioned the eczema. My dd is 2.5 and she has an intolerance to gluten. When she gets gluten, she turns into a completely different person and becomes highly unruly, hard to deal with, won't let me reason with her AT ALL. Her mood and her ability to control her emotions is just out of control when she gets gluten. Changing her diet has made parenting her a totally different game. I have read other mom's talk about their kids' behavior linked to allergies to dyes in foods also. Anyway, if some allergy or intolerance were the issue, it might make your life a lot easier!


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

You can practice time in respectfully by staying in the room with child, but not being "hands on" ... just being available. You can occasionally tell your child you hear how hurt.angry.upset.frustrated.disappointed etc she is.

What I would do:

-pushing her toddling sister down hard
comfort the child that got pushed down. Then take a time in with the other child and when child is calm talk to her. if you can find out why she pushed her sibling you could meet the need. Let her know you know she must have been really hurting herself to want to hurt someone else. Let her know if she ever needs you she just has to (insert preferred way of getting your attention - my kids know to come take my hand - or ask for help if another sibling is invading their desire for personal space) and that she doesnt need to hurt her sister to get your attention. Also show her this, by giving her lots of positive attention.
-running from me when it is time to put on clothes or shoes
make it into a game.
-going in rooms with locks on the doors and locking us out
I would need to know WHY this was being done.
-using my natural skin care products while locking herself in a room on her eczema covered hands, burning them and wasting my
keep them where she cant get to them, or increase supervision.
-whining and crying over TV time and sweets.
this is not a discipline issue. just relate to her. give her her wish through fantasy, express your understanding of her upset, etc. "you really wish you could eat as much candy as you want." "you are really upset that I wont allow more sweets" for us, we just dont keep sweets in the house. same can be true for tv time - just validate.

good luck!


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## eastkygal (Feb 19, 2006)

Thank you for the suggestions. I do think she might need more direct attention from me and time just doing something with me. I try to involve her as much as I can, but I don't think it is enough. I am wondering some if boredom is playing a part. Living off-grid we don't visit others her age near as much as we used to. I was thinking of homeschooling, but now I'm thinking of preschool to give her an outlet.
As far as the sweets, I don't buy them. They are given to her as a gift from her grandparents. I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of them without making her think I'm throwing away her present. Our parents just are ignoring our requests to stop the candy, and they think we are depriving her.
I will start ignoring whining. That I can do. That I do most of the time. I don't think DH does as much as me though. I've noticed lately that she asks for daddy any time she is upset with me or anyone else who is trying to "discipline" her.
I know it is my responsibility to keep both girls safe. That isn't always easy. I was standing right there both time DD1 took a run and go and pushed DD2 down sending her flying backwards. It happened so abruptly and fast there was nothing I could do. I was so shocked that I yelled at DD1 for doing something so awful. I will try to control that impulse next time and comfort DD2 instead. Maybe she will learn empathy that way.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Sounds like she feels safe with Daddy. My goal would be to get her to feel that way with me too. Try a working with approach instead of a doing too approach. I mean after all your goal is to help your DD right? You will help her more if you are on her side, in away that SHE feels you are on her side. This is not the same as letting her do whatever she wants









Sorry about the candy situation. My son has allergies and so no one gives him food without checking with me first. Are they giving the food directly to her? Is she interested in collecting anything? food is always gone within a couple days... my son would much rather get a small toy car then a candy bar - and they cost the same. I would probably say "I know you want to get DD a gift she will enjoy. She really enjoys _________ (my little ponies, coloring, toy cars, whatever) An occasional treat of candy is fine but if you really want to be a blessing to her that would be the way to do it. I mean obviously they give her candy anyway and then you have to get rid of it - that is NOT a happy experience for your daughter if they really wanted to make her happy they would give her something she will get to keep.


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## Delicateflower (Feb 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eastkygal* 
Here is some of the things she does recently that needs discipline:
-pushing her toddling sister down hard
-running from me when it is time to put on clothes or shoes
-going in rooms with locks on the doors and locking us out
-using my natural skin care products while locking herself in a room on her eczema covered hands, burning them and wasting my products
-whining and crying over TV time and sweets. The latter was introduced to her by her grandparents in large quantities when she visits them despite us asking them not to. The first was ramped up during a recent prolonged illness she had where she couldn't play much.

My aim is discipline, not punishment. I also want to work towards that discipline being internal, to equip my children to be good people. I try whenever possible to allow them to suffer the natural consequences of their actions, so this is how I'd handle the situations above:

-pushing her sister - people won't play with people who are rough, plus you may never ever hurt another person. I'd either take her to another room to play away from us or take sister to another room, and she can't come in until she's ready to be gentle.

-running when it's time to put on clothes - just leave the house on your normal schedule, take the clothes with you. Don't play a running game, don't make threats or dire warnings, just very matter of factly leave the house with her not dressed. She'll soon learn why you're dressing her.

-locking doors - don't have doors with locks. It's not hard to switch out a door handle. Otherwise, simply pop the lock with a pick as soon as she does it and calmly carry on about your business. Don't make it a game.

- don't allow her access to your skin stuff

- whining over TV time and sweets. Just don't give in.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

For the sweets, depending on how many there are, I would just start getting rid of some slowly over time. So if there are 30 in a bag, I'd get rid of 1 every time your daughter has 1. That way there are far less of them for her to have, but they disappear slowly so she doesn't notice that there are suddenly only a few.


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## krystyn33 (May 30, 2006)

If you suspect any aggression toward her sister is linked to sibling rivalry/resentment over sharing you & your DH, you might direct her to act out her feelings in a safe way, like on a doll. I read a good example of that in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Lots of great suggestions here. Hope you find things that work for you.


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