# The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties



## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I see alot of Birthday threads where the Mom is asking how to delicately ask the Guests not to bring gifts to their kids Birthday Party or give alternatives as to what they CAN bring.

Why has this become the norm?

What happened to simple days when your Guests could just bring whatever they wanted to bring?

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

When DS is invited to someone's Birthday Party, I am genuinely excited for that Child and I spend a great deal of time and effort finding out what he/she would like for their Birthday.

And DS enjoys giving the gift to the Birthday Child.

Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.

Just my .02 cents.


----------



## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

As the Mama of an almost 15 yo ds and a 16 mo dd, I am amazed at the changes that I have seen since my son was a little one. It used to be you gave kids presents and parents and kids were happy but now...

I understand not wanting junk toys but to be honest someone telling me what I can give or not give does not sit well with me at all.

I know that may not be an appropriate NFL/MDC attitude but that's how I feel.

Shay


----------



## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

I can think of several reasons to request no gifts at birthday parties. Although some adults may be disappointed at not being able to bring a gift to the party, it's not _about_ them. They can get over it. Or they can bring a gift for the child and discreetly give it to the parent of the birthday child aside from the party environment. It's really not that hard.

Some reasons to request no gifts:
1) perhaps the family is working on decluttering/ simplifying/ learning to appreciate the non-material joys in life and getting a truckload of gifts would not be consistent with that philosophy

2) the trend in many circles these days is for kids to invite everyone and their dog to the birthday party. Children get invited as part of a large classroom of children and may hardly know the birthday child but just get an invitation by virtue of being in their class. Getting personal, lovingly selected gifts from close friends and family members is one thing. Getting 30 gifts from people who share nothing but a classroom space 5 days a week is something else.

3) the ritual of gift giving at birthday parties can actually be pretty hard on the children. It can be humiliating for a child from a low-income family to watch the birthday child unwrap lavish gift after lavish gift and then publicly unwrap their hard-won but hardly upscale trinket.

4) Some parents have come to the conclusion that gift giving has become more about the adults and their satisfaction and pleasure than it is about the kids'. And have chosen to not engage in such things.


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Some people just don't want the guests to think they are required to bring gifts. I am sure there are other reasons BUT this one comes to mind.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.


----------



## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

When I had a no gifts party, I had "BOYBW* *_Bring only your best wishes_" on the invitations. Sure, some people brought gifts, and that was fine.







But most people didn't.


----------



## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I also think saying "no gifts at all" or "we only want wooden toys" is going too far. However, I think "gifts are optional" is an OK thing to put on an invitation. It lets the guests know that they are off the hook if money is tight. I did this with DS's last birthday party. Everyone brought a gift, and it was fine.


----------



## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

*shrug* I always brought presents to birthday parties. they were always books too.

*I* Picked out the presents.

I think I'll encourage DD to give her friends books too. Not gaudy loud toys..just a nice book.

Not enough kids read these days...


----------



## sehbub (Mar 15, 2006)

DD2 and DD3 have birthdays only 2 weeks apart, and DD2 has decided that she wants to share her birthday party with her baby sister, who will be 1. DH and I have, however, decided that we will add a line on the invitations saying, "In lieu of gifts for DD3, we ask that you please make a donation (either toys or monetary) in her honor to the Ronald McDonald House charities, without whom none of this would be possible." Or something to that effect. DD3 was a NICU baby, and had it not been for the RMH, I wouldn't have gotten to see her more than twice a week, as the hospital was 90 miles from home and we were flat broke (i.e. budgeting the gas money to get to the hospital).

Plus, how many toys does a 1 year old really need, you know? She'll probably be more entertained by her sister's wrapping paper and empty boxes.









While I don't want to take away the joy that people get in watching children open gifts, I think most people (at least our family) will find the same amount of joy knowing that they have made a donation that will effect many more families and children than just our DD, if that makes sense. Besides, as much help as we've gotten in the last year, even if people do still bring gifts for DD3, they will be donated to RMH, and putting it on the invitation lets people know that.

DDs1&2 can get all the toys they want though.







Anytime they get new toys we always go through the old ones and donate an even number before they play with new ones. They LOVE that tradition, and remind us of it at every gift receiving event.


----------



## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

When DD was younger we did "no gifts" the main reason was we wanted people to come share her day with her and not feel obliged to bring something. Some people brought gifts (the people who knew her best) and as she got older everyone was bringing her something so we abandoned the "no gift" rule

tara


----------



## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

We put gifts optional. It's not about getting presents its about spending time with people you like, and you want to be around. They can bring a gift if they feel moved to, but really, we just want them to share in our joy.


----------



## Oceanone (Oct 24, 2002)

I think this is kind of awkward both ways. Unless it is mentioned I think you do feel obligated to bring a gift to a child's birthday party. I am always more than happy to follow the invitation's guidelines on this. If the party is a no gift one, my son still gives his handmade card, which he puts a lot of thought and effort into. He is always excited to give it to the birthday child.

If the child truly is a "loved one", then I think it would be OK to discuss this issue with the parents and give a special gift on another day close to the birthday.


----------



## windpowered (Apr 13, 2006)

"Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all."

Might be fun for you...but dealing with all that crap is spiritually draining for me. How much energy went into making that plastic frous frous, then transporting it here from China? I read today that carbon dioxide levels are rising faster than in the 1990's, so we are likely going to be in the "worst case scenario" in terms of global warming by the time my DD is 50. Is that the world I want to give to her...so that people who come to her parties can enjoy watching her open presents? We had a no gifts party for her 4th B-day, and it was a blast. We rode the bus downtown - the kids loved that - then we had a musical parade to a favorite coffee house. We had some hot cocoa and muffins, and rode the bus home. She never once even noticed that we didn't have presents.

And by the way, I *was* that low income kid that someone mentioned. Going to birthday parties was always stressful for me, as my mom and I went through the store and she had to say "no" to me a hundred times, since our family couldn't afford any of the stuff that I wanted to buy for my classmate's birthday present.

My .02.

~Diane


----------



## Super Pickle (Apr 29, 2002)

Well, I have to admit that I would be uncomfortable writing "No gifts, please," but at the same time I really don't want my children to recieve a deluge of gifts. I'm so hesitant to put it on the invitations that I actually haven't thrown birthday parties with lots of friends for that reason. We've done things like invite a best friend over for an evening of cookie-making, or invite a good friend to go apple picking with us (Ds' birthday is in the Fall). Usually the friend is close enough that s/he knows it's ds' birthday, and so brings a gift, and it's special and we're thankful.
The main reason I don't want us to get a lot of gifts, and therefore haven't thrown parties, is that I am concerned about the effect North Americans' consumerism affects the earth and the rest of the people living on it. There's an upstream cost to everything, always an environmental impact to the production of any toy. Also, I've been to birthday parties, and obseved my own children at Christmas with the extended family, and my impression is that getting a large number of gifts at once is stressful for a young child. Mine can't handle it yet.
I've been to lots of parties where there is a tag line, "Please no presents, just your presence." I think that is a very polite way to say it. And I am relieved to see it because it takes the pressure off. It lets the parents know that there are no expectations. When we've gotten these kinds of invitations, sometimes we've taken a small gift, sometimes we've made something for the child, and sometimes we have brought only our smiles and well wishes. Knowing we weren't expected to bring a gift made us feel totally welcome either way.

To go off on a little tangent...Ds was invited to a party this past weekend. A lot of his classmates were there. After trying to think of a fun, healthy, open-ended toy that wouldn't have too great an environmental impact, I decided to send a pack of 20 colors of modeling clay. It was inexpensive but I thought it was the perfect thing for a 6 year old. But then, after seeing what other kids gave him, our gift seemed kind of stingy. One kid gave him a huge foam snowboard-type thing! Was a pack of modeling clay a lame gift? Was it thoughtless to give something so inexpensive?


----------



## hikingmommy (May 10, 2006)

At DD's first birthday party we asked people to donate to a local organization that provides birthday parties and gifts to needy kids in her name in lieu of a gift for her. We didn't want people to feel like they had to bring a gift, and would rather see other kids get things they need than our daughter get more stuff she doesn't need.

We did say that if you really wanted to give a gift for DD that she's "working on her wooden toy collection". We struggled with that one, b/c while we didn't want people to feel locked into buying something specific, we give away gifts that we don't like (plastic, noisy things, etc.). So, it was a toss-up b/n telling people what to buy and knowing that we'd probably end up giving away what they bought us. Which would you prefer?

I find the practice of opening gifts at parties materialistic. I know it's tradition, and I loved doing it as a kid, but it doesn't really fit the values I want our kids to have. I want them to want their friends to come over to celebrate with them, not to have them come over so they get more stuff. She'll get enough gifts from family members. When she's old enough to care, maybe we'll re-look at things, but at least for the next couple of years we'll ask people to give money to those who need it rather than buy DD a gift.


----------



## charmander (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.

I agree with this. Anything you don't want to keep, you can donate.

And the last party DD went to, we brought a book as a gift. Books are awesome gifts!!


----------



## GuavaLava (Nov 15, 2004)

Birthdays aren't about material gifts to us, that's the big main reason. Most holidays don't have gifts involved in this house. A nice handmade card is always appreciated though.

Smaller reasons include:
We don't have the room for more toys or books. We move constantly because dh is in the military and we never know what size house/storage we are going to end up with. I hate most character toys that children seem inclined to pick out. I don't like attending large birthday parties and we have no intention of ever throwing one either. We are thankful to all be in one place for significant days (meaning daddy isn't somewhere across an ocean.)


----------



## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmd* 
I agree with this.

me too.


----------



## amamaslove (Sep 18, 2005)

I am also put off by that request. The most recent one was not to bring an object rather a coupon for an activity. I am not exactly sure why but that bothered me.


----------



## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmd* 
I agree with this. Anything you don't want to keep, you can donate.

And the last party DD went to, we brought a book as a gift. Books are awesome gifts!!


Unless the gifts were given to you, I believe it should be anythign the CHILD doesn't want to keep, S/HE can donate. His gifts, his choice.

That said, I think if there is too much stuff in the house the parent and chlid should work together at a comprimise, and the child should have the final say (even if he wants to keep the singing schoolbus and donate the wooden one), IMO it's an issue of space. We have enough space for X number of toys, but they child should ahve most if not all of the say over which toys he wants to keep and which he wants to donate. I wouldn't force my child to give away his birthday presents, or sneak them away in the middle of the night. It is not my right to take his things and give them away without his permission.

JMO


----------



## StormCat (Aug 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Pickle* 
Well, I have to admit that I would be uncomfortable writing "No gifts, please," but at the same time I really don't want my children to recieve a deluge of gifts. I'm so hesitant to put it on the invitations that I actually haven't thrown birthday parties with lots of friends for that reason. We've done things like invite a best friend over for an evening of cookie-making, or invite a good friend to go apple picking with us (Ds' birthday is in the Fall). Usually the friend is close enough that s/he knows it's ds' birthday, and so brings a gift, and it's special and we're thankful.
The main reason I don't want us to get a lot of gifts, and therefore haven't thrown parties, is that I am concerned about the effect North Americans' consumerism affects the earth and the rest of the people living on it. There's an upstream cost to everything, always an environmental impact to the production of any toy. Also, I've been to birthday parties, and obseved my own children at Christmas with the extended family, and my impression is that getting a large number of gifts at once is stressful for a young child. Mine can't handle it yet.
I've been to lots of parties where there is a tag line, "Please no presents, just your presence." I think that is a very polite way to say it. And I am relieved to see it because it takes the pressure off. It lets the parents know that there are no expectations. When we've gotten these kinds of invitations, sometimes we've taken a small gift, sometimes we've made something for the child, and sometimes we have brought only our smiles and well wishes. Knowing we weren't expected to bring a gift made us feel totally welcome either way.

*To go off on a little tangent...Ds was invited to a party this past weekend. A lot of his classmates were there. After trying to think of a fun, healthy, open-ended toy that wouldn't have too great an environmental impact, I decided to send a pack of 20 colors of modeling clay. It was inexpensive but I thought it was the perfect thing for a 6 year old. But then, after seeing what other kids gave him, our gift seemed kind of stingy. One kid gave him a huge foam snowboard-type thing! Was a pack of modeling clay a lame gift? Was it thoughtless to give something so inexpensive?*


Not thoughtless at all!!! Children's birthday parties are so stressful nowadays. For our two we just invite close friends and family and since I've got two voracious readers, books and creative gifts such as your modeling clay are always welcome as is just the presence of dear ones, sans gifts. I've got a real artsy crafty friend whose influenced my dd quite a bit and we now have a crafts closet!







(She sure didn't get it from me).

I wouldn't worry about what you gave. I agree with pp's that there is way too much consumerism and greed in this country and if your gift did go unappreciated, it's not your problem, it's theirs.


----------



## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

I am that low income parent and was that low income friend. I barely went to parties growing up because if you didnt bring a present you were rude, and we couldnt afford it, so i was always left out.

I like that no gifts idea. It helps families that cant afford stuff, to not feel obligated to buy things they cant afford.
Also, if we did get that $1 gift, it would be shunned aside for that big present anyway, so it would be a waste of $$$ IMO. Even if it is just a dollar or two. That adds up when you dont have it. I always put no gifts please so that there is no pressure. And if someone wants to put some money for ds' in their cards, then so be it.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

For a lot of people, that's not fun.

Quote:

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?
Because it's not about you. It's about the child having the birthday.

Quote:

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.
When we invite people to celebrate our kids' birthdays with us, we are inviting them because we want to spend time with them. We are having a party to be with our friends and loved ones, not to get stuff. For those of us encouraging our kids to be less material and less consumeristic, getting a lot of "stuff" is not in keeping with our values.

Believe it or not, birthdays can be great fun even without "stuff"!

Namaste!


----------



## boobjuice (Jul 23, 2006)

i just sent out invites for our 2 dc b-days and i did put a note in there stating gifts are optional. we put in that we love children's artwork, so please draw us a picture, we want to avoid plastics, in particular vinly/PVC, we LOVE to read and provided an amazon list with gifts of $20 and under.

i read some of the comments, so i hope i did not offend any of my guests! but its probably bound to happen.

my ds is ASD and SID, so we need toys more for occupational therapy, etc. as SN child can be quite expensive, i wanted to take the opportunity to make the most out of the gifts if people chose to give one. also all his classmates are SN too, i don't expect a gift from his classmates, i really just want them to come and have a ton of fun! also perhaps those families are strapped for cash too. we won't be opening his gifts at the party, as he wont be able to handle it anyway, hell probably have a meltdown or 2 regardless.

the vinly plastic is pretty toxic and is used to make many baby toys, and we want a better earth for us and our family, so the no plastic thing is a lifestyle choice we want to teach our children. my ds does not know how to play with flashing lights, loud sounds, etc. he will learn best (now anyways) with toys that spark imaginative and creative play, which is represented best by companies that have wooden and natural toys. its ok if someone brings a plastic toy, we just don't want to repeat what happened the year before and limit it a bit.

FWIW - the modeling clay gift would be a perfect perfect gift for our dc, the foam board thing? what would we do with that.

Honestly i am really sick of all the plastic crap.


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Yeah. I was the BROKE one too.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:

the vinly plastic is pretty toxic and is used to make many baby toys, and we want a better earth for us and our family, so the no plastic thing is a lifestyle choice we want to teach our children. my ds does not know how to play with flashing lights, loud sounds, etc. he will learn best (now anyways) with toys that spark imaginative and creative play, which is represented best by companies that have wooden and natural toys. its ok if someone brings a plastic toy, we just don't want to repeat what happened the year before and limit it a bit.
I'm not a fan of plastic either--but I believe that common courtesy trumps social responsibility every time. I would never put ANYTHING on a printed invitation that indicated whether or not we expected gifts, or an Amazon wishlist/registry. We're not only teaching our kids how to be good citizens of the Earth, we also have to teach them to be good citizens with each other.


----------



## koru (Sep 7, 2006)

wow! this is a touchy subject. i just posted a thread asking for advice on this particular issue so maybe it all started with me!?

my question is, why is it so hard to raise our children the way _we_ want & have our family & friends respect that? i try & respect everyone's crazy parenting ways....we all have them...so why is there so much offense taken when i ask people not to bring gifts or to just bring a book? i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to _assume_ people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?


----------



## MotheringHeart (Dec 18, 2005)

I hate, hate, hate trying to pick out a toy that some kid I don't know is going to play with for two seconds and throw away. I seriously dislike the mass consumerism in this country. I once read a statistic that said the average child gets $800 of toys from their parents in a year. JUST their parents. Not the twenty kids that get invited to their birthday party. I realize that part of the fun of a birthday is getting toys and opening them. Don't you think that these kids are getting presents from their families? WHy do they need 20 more presents?

I am never offended by the "please no presents" thing. I think it's great.


----------



## GuavaLava (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *doulalove* 
i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to _assume_ people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?

I figure the only friends worth inviting are the ones who will understand our request of no gifts.









We're "weird" about birthdays, at least that's what we've been told. It doesn't bother me because I am comfortable with the way we do things.


----------



## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

we have gifts optional..

But having a house full of plastic clutter is not my thing. So when they do get the gift that is plastic or just something we don't allow here... it goes away that very night.

My older boys know this is the rule and they often save these toys for certain kids they know will love them.


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

I think a euphemistic way of putting it, like someone else posted about bringing "best wishes" is really nice. If you do want specific types of gifts, then starting wish lists known within your "group" would be nice, as I'm always wondering what I should give not always knowing someone's parenting style or simply what they already have.

We had a huge party for my ds's first birthday and did not even get around to opening the gifts at the party. Of course, he didn't even know what was going on. However, it probably was a disappointment for some people that we did not open them there, although they were adults. (We did send very personal thank you notes to everyone, so they do know how we felt about the gifts.) But, it really made me think about a "no gifts" party in the future.

Also, what another poster wrote about inviting an entire class or playgroup really plays into this issue, I think. We were recently invited to several parties in a row (I heard even Jerry Seinfeld griping about this on Letterman one night! Wish I could remember what he said as it was really funny.) One mother invited our entire playgroup, but only several people came. I kind of wondered if some people felt "gifted out" for the month. For ds's second birthday I'd hate to think some people wouldn't come just because they couldn't afford yet another gift. I'd rather have everyone there to celebrate. I assume that close friends would still give a gift privately, as we would do for them. As I wrote before, I'll now consider a term like "bringing best wishes" on the invitations.

Back to specific types of gifts: Even though I've made a well-researched wish list for my child, with items that are not expensive, I know he'll still be receiving certain gifts that at best he probably won't like and at worst we don't really want him to have. Some of our family "get it" and some don't. Personally, I'd love for others to post their wish lists so I'd know what they'd like! I'm not offended by that at all. But, unless you are in a group of really like-minded individuals (e.g. about plastic) then saying "no plastics" will sound like you simply want "better" and more expensive gifts, as many people aren't aware of the health issues involved in plastics. However, if your child does have an overwhelming allergy to something then I think having a friend spread the word would be appropriate.

In the end, gifts are just that - gifts. It is a shame, though, that we receive so many items that people have paid good money for that we just can't or won't use. Hence, my wish list. And, what about starting a trend of a group gift when inviting an entire class or playgroup? Everyone could chip in what they felt comfortable giving and the group could get one "large" gift. I think that would also be a nice lesson in group participation. (I'm sure there's a more specific term for this concept; just can't think of it at the moment.)


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.


Thank you for saying that.

I agree with inexcusably and horrifyingly *rude*. If you do not like, donate it.


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *doulalove* 
wow! this is a touchy subject. i just posted a thread asking for advice on this particular issue so maybe it all started with me!?

my question is, why is it so hard to raise our children the way _we_ want & have our family & friends respect that? i try & respect everyone's crazy parenting ways....we all have them...so why is there so much offense taken when i ask people not to bring gifts or to just bring a book? i've had friends tell me it was unacceptable to put "no gifts, please" and it kinda hurt my feelings. and then it made me irritated! why is it more acceptable to _assume_ people will bring a gift than ask them not to? seriously....i can't figure this out?

Here is another $0.02 for you. Do what YOU think is right. EVERYBODY will find something they don't like about you. To request NO gifts is FINE. To ask for specific gifts to me is a little tacky. What my SIL has done in the past is have theme birthdays. She announced the theme on the invitation so we could find something with THAT theme. It was FUN. Her son JUST had an army theme party. People came wearing camo and we got him a suction cup dart gun with dart board (I know I know don't give a kid a gun BUT he wanted it and his parents are weird about those things). Anyhow.....Do what is best for YOUR family and let everybody talk behind your back. They will anyhow. Pleasing people doesn't work. Somebody ALWAYS finds something.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Imvishta said:


> I
> 
> Back to specific types of gifts: Even though I've made a well-researched wish list for my child, with items that are not expensive, I know he'll still be receiving certain gifts that at best he probably won't like and at worst we don't really want him to have.
> 
> ...


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

What about a book, a box of crayons, magic markers? Make a CD of your kid's favorite music. Buy him a box of biscuits for the dog, or bag of birdseed and a jar of peanut butter. There are a million options besides cheap plastic toys.

Birthdays are supposed to be about celebration, about joy, not about making sure gift rules are followed and making sure that a certain "parenting standard" is adhered to. It's not FOR the parent, it's for the child, and whereas I can certainly understand not wanting a ton o plastic garbage in your house, I think there has to be a balance.

The "no gifts please" thing...I'm just a stickler for it. You just invite and people do what they want to! We just had a huge birthday party for our boys, some brought gifts, some did not, and it was no big deal if you didn't. If you feel particularly strongly about not bringing gifts to children's parties, that's cool.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I'm not a fan of plastic either--but I believe that common courtesy trumps social responsibility every time. I would never put ANYTHING on a printed invitation that indicated whether or not we expected gifts, or an Amazon wishlist/registry. We're not only teaching our kids how to be good citizens of the Earth, we also have to teach them to be good citizens with each other.

Cripes, you're smart.

Where have you been all my MDC life??


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I usually tell my friends that come that THEY don't have to bring gifts. I have NEVER put it on a invite BUT I don't have playgroups OR school classrooms to deal with. If you want to involve the school friends take treats to the school. If you want to involve the playgroup schedule an outing for the playgroup. That keeps the demand or thought of the demand for a gift to a minimum. Yeah there is still the "my child is allergic" issues BUT those are hard to combat. You do the BEST you can.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

: People will say we're in love!

At least there's someone out there to save me from the volley of Waldorf gnome houses aimed at my head (or at least deflect a few of them)


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 







: People will say we're in love!

At least there's someone out there to save me from the volley of Waldorf gnome houses aimed at my head (or at least deflect a few of them)









Okay I think I'd like to witness that. Sorry but it created a FUNNY picture in my head.







:


----------



## sofiabugmom (Sep 23, 2003)

We put the following on the most recent birthday party invite (4yo) for DD (a preemie):

"In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the March of Dimes, an organization very dear to our family."

DH and I decided on this tactic for several reasons:

1. She gets overwhelmed if she has too many presents.
2. We were already tripping over her toys.
3. It would be easier for friends ... no shopping, deciding, wrapping, etc.
4. We feel that birthdays are a celebration of living, not an excuse to build up the toy inventory.
5. The donation would be a tax deduction for the giver!

No one said they had a problem with it. And, yes, she did get a few gifts from family, but our family lives far away so they'd sent them up earlier. She opened them, plus what we got her, on her actual birthday (the party was a couple of days later).


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

Oh, and I do remember reading about a theme party Gwyneth Paltrow had for herself (not her children) where she asked everyone to bring their favorite childhood books (or maybe adult books, as well), and asked them to write in the book a bit about why it was their favorite and what it meant to them. I think a gift theme party sounds nice. I'm not sure how one would do this other than with something like books. Anyone have any other ideas?

I'm sure some etiquette experts would disagree with this idea. But, it might be a way of circumventing the unwanted gift issue without making "demands," and actually making it a more thoughtful and personal act of giving, as well.

And, I will say that my old-fashioned Southern background does make me squirm at including a registry on the actual invitation. Word-of-mouth just seems like a more polite idea even if it's not as efficient. However, after trying to keep up with letting family know all about ds's accomplishments I am considering starting a blog, with a photo album, as well, just so anyone can just tell me which ones they want without having to send so many out to everyone. After a relative told me they thought my Amazon wish list was a great idea (unlike some others) I thought I'd try to create a wish list on our (yet-to-be-created) blog so that anyone can buy from any store and mark it on the list without our having to know ahead of time as we've had to do with Amazon. (Gifts bought elsewhere we've had to be told so we could mark them purchased so others won't buy the same gift, which means we already know who is giving what. )

And, on our wish list I've included what the items mean to ds in terms of his interests and development. I hope that makes everyone feel more connected when giving the gift instead of feeling like they're just buying something. Hey, play is a child's "work" so I do think it's important to have items tailored to a particular child's needs. So, really, I do think the lists are a great idea, just a touchy subject.

So, I'd love to hear if anyone comes up with any other "gift theme" ideas and what you all think of the group gift.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

I think the book party idea is charming...it helps the guests to connect, think about their childhoods, give something with meaning, etc. I've also been to baby showers with that theme. Others could be recipes or something, I guess? like your favorite food as a child (or parents could include their kid's favorite recipe) and a recipe for that...or people could just write an anecdote from their childhood, especially if you have different generations attending.


----------



## Lambsauce (Nov 13, 2006)

Hm, quite a thought-provoking topic.
It reminds me of my childhood, and the dreaded birthday parties. I remember my parents always restricted me to inviting as many friends as how old I was turning that year, and how I eventually talked them into letting me have more... I didn't want that because I felt bad about leaving friends out of my celebration (I never had many actual friends growing up), but because I wanted more presents.







: I'm ashamed to admit that, but... it's true. I kind of wish my parents had held no-gift parties, I would have learned much younger what celebrations are REALLY about.
I guess that's just a very roundabout way of saying that I wouldn't mind a request for no presents, personally. I also think that asking for a donation to a charity is wonderful, especially if it's one that has greatly affected the family/the child who the party is being held for. And it would also take away some of the anxiety of that one poor child who is so afraid of the recipient's reaction to her gift, she refuses to be present for the unwrapping...


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

UUMom said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *Imvishta*
> ...


----------



## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.


----------



## marnie (Jul 13, 2004)

i think it depends on the lifestyle of the people you're talking about. where i live, the majority of my daughter's friends live in a one bedroom apartment - very very few kids have their own bedrooms, no one has back yards, and no one has room for many toys - even books.

we generally make the PARTY the gift, and do it up big, with loads and loads of kids invited, not just a handful. in this way everyone has fun, and no one feels they need to bring a gift in order to go to the party, and no one is left with a 1 br apartment full of toys, and no one is asking a 2 or 3 year old to pack up and donate brand new toys.

it never goes on an invite, it's always word of mouth - you'll say "please come, no gifts are necessary" which generally prompts a commiserating conversation about having too little space. Everyone understands.

sometimes people bring gifts anyway, sometimes people don't, even if not told not to. in neither case is the guest made to feel bad for not "following the rules." most everyone brings a card or drawing from the kids to the kids.

saying 'no plastic' to me is outrageously rude. but saying "no gifts, please." is not. but then, as i said, it's the norm here, and not the exception.


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

Oooh, another thing... I recently read somewhere that some culture(s) GIVES gifts for their birthday. Anyone know that one? If not, I'll look later, as I need to sign-off now...

Oh, but is the "Gift Closet" a Southern thing? My DH says it is. Everyone I know always has a gift closet with items they pick up during the year for specific people and general gift items for births and such. And, you can always throw in the re-gifts. I don't think re-gifting is rude at all as long as it's a gift you genuinely believe the other person would like, yet you simply did not or already had.

And, on the Southern gift topic... I've also been told that monogramming is kind of a Southern Thing. I've found a good idea for doing so is to pay for the monogramming (or engraving) and include that ticket or note with the gift, so that if the person receives more than one of that item, or just doesn't like it, they can still return or exchange it, as it has not yet been altered. I think this is particularly important for weddings and showers. Just a tip!


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:

Don't let the slave labor child in China have worked in vain.
If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.

Quote:

If you do not want your child to have it, there is another child in your town who has nothing.
I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it _really_ works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!


----------



## marnie (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Slabobbin* 
I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.

my daughter is being raised with no/few gifts. at every party there are always a few things to open, and it's exciting but not the *point* of the party. likewise the gift isn't the point of any holiday.

if asked my three year old will happily tell you that she has "plenty" of toys. once i went to a consignment store with her. i dropped off a bunch of outgrown clothing and with my credit bought a bunch of new clothing. from this she got the idea that if she wants a new toy she can "buy" it with some old toys. I have never given her this idea, nor have i encouraged it - it's just something she came up with. (she also tries to buy dessert by offering to give her dinner in exchange...)

she's used to living in a small space and she knows that she can't play with any of her toys if she has too many of them, because there's no room to take everything out at once. she often takes it upon herself to get a bag and fill it with things she doesn't use anymore. she's 3.5 years old. i assure you i did not put this concept into her head.

i can imagine that a child raised with lots of space, and a basement or a garage to store unused items in, etc. might feel slighted if the gifts were suddenly stripped away, but a child doesn't grow up traumatized from not having a ton of gifts each birthday/holiday.

almost ANY time my daughter asks for a toy when we are out i will buy it for her. we do discuss it at length, and as often as not she decides she doesn't really need/want it. if we discuss it and she insists that she wants it, i never say no. and truthfully, she almost NEVER asks.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 

I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it _really_ works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!


I don't think etiquette is esoteric. We don't get to make demands of others just because we're "right." From the last handful of kids' birthday parties I've been to, it seems that opening the gift at the party is no longer the norm and as has been discussed, what's the matter with giving a card or a painting? It's not that we can't survive the "horror" of honesty, it's that good manners dictate you don't demand what gifts can and can't be given.

And one man's "crap" plastic toy is another man's felted wool ball. There are plenty of people out there who would be overjoyed to have a piece of plastic "crap" for their kids to play with...if the choice is plastic toys or no toys at all, would you care? If the choice was a non-organic food or no food at all, would you let yourself starve? Of course not.


----------



## JustJamie (Apr 24, 2006)

I have always included on every invitation to every party I've ever been thrown (including both baby showers) "The only present required is the gift of your presence."

I've never yet had someone mention to me that they were offended by my asking them not to spend money on me. They seem to have always understood that I simply wanted to share my celebration with them.

I have received gifts, most of them incredibly thoughtful. I've also been asked "Well, if I DO get you something, what would you want?" to which I usually responded with whatever material object I wanted/needed at the time...though since my DD was conceived, the answer has changed to "Savings bonds to put towards DD's college fund."

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something along those lines (obviously, or I wouldn't say it!). I do find it incredibly tacky to say "Cash only" or "No plastic"...even lists of suggested gifts *can* be tacky, if they're not done well.


----------



## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

My dd always brings a small gift, anyway, usually a painting or flowers or a drawing or a special rock she found.


----------



## BurgundyElephant (Feb 17, 2006)

We just had DD's party and did the No Gifts thing. It was awesome. I did write on the invitations No Gifts Please, and also explained my reasoning in person: "It's hard to have to do presents for birthdays... there are so many birthday parties to go to and by the time you buy the gift and wrapping it's like $15, so you have to pick and choose which ones you go to. So I asked [dd] what she would prefer - more friends to play with or more toys? And of course she said friends! So we've made it no gifts, please." People were totally cool with that, nodding their heads as I was talking. Most did bring her a homemade card, though, which was really cute. Later that week she cut them up and made a collage.


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

House O' Plastic is not my cup of tea. Yes, I admit- we have plenty right now. Because we cannot afford better. We are slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) accruing wooden toys.

I make my family and Amazon.Com wish List, if anyone wants to know what DD or DH or I want for Xmas or whatever, I direct them there which give a general idea of what we like/want. It's not the be-all-end-all whether they get things directly from the list. But it sure gives someone and idea of what NOT to get IMO.

We have yet to have DD have an actual turn out for her birthday. Both times no one really bothered. On her first yr I said no gifts please, this is just a day for DD to with friends/family. For her second I just took her to the park and breifly mentioned that we'd be going on her birthday and if anyone wanted to join for a playdate it would be nice.

For next year, if she has a party. I will be putting something along the lines of "only savings bonds or giftcards please if you choose the gift option. BUT GIFTS ARE OPTIONAL."

I haven't tweaked it, I've got almost a year to do that.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I totally agree and I have an embarrassing 'no gifts' story to tell. In middle school, me and these other 5 girls hung out together all the time. We were 12 or 13 at the time. One of them had a birthday and the invitation said to please not bring a gift, or if you did, to bring a gag gift. I loved the idea of a gag gift so I spent a few days coming up with something that I knew would be very funny to the group. (This was around 14 years ago so I forgot what it was.) When I got there everyone else had brought a gift, too. She opened them, and they were all very nice items. Meanwhile I had some junky joke I'd made! Talk about embarrassed, I wanted to melt through the floor.







Oh well, I do think it's better to just expect gifts. Besides, if most of your kids are anything like mine, they forgot about any toy within a week, and then you can toss it, Salvation army it, etc. IMO, bringing a gift is no big deal.









~Nay


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.

I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it _really_ works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!









:


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Yeah . . .this is a tough subject. I have WANTED to write "no gifts" but I can't. For one, it's a party for my DC, not for me. Two, inevitably someone WILL bring a gift, and it might make others feel bad. Three, it's just anti-Miss Manners.

Most people ask us what DD wants. I am always touched by what she gets, because I can tell people put thought into it. However, we are approaching the time where it will be children that know her but not our family (well) that will be invited to the party . . .so I am just planning on having really small parties.

I don't think it was like this (to the same extent) when we were growing up. I think parties in general have spiraled out of control.


----------



## pemja (Jun 28, 2006)

This summer we went to a 5-yo birthday party. In lieu of gifts, everyone brought a wrapped book and they did a book swap. Sat in a circle, played music, passed the books around, and when the music stopped, everyone got to unwrap and keep the book that they held. It worked great! The mom said that they went to a party like that, and her son decided he wanted to do it too. Didn't care about not having his own gifts to open. And, his mom didn't put together party favor bags filled of items made in China -- instead, everyone left with a nice new book. The mom had some extra wrapped books there, so that, for example, my young daughter participated too (since I had only brought one book).

A few weeks later, my son had his 4-yo birthday party. Gift time was a nightmare. All the kids wanted him to open their present first, my son got overwhelmed, and at the end of the party we had a bunch of crappy plastic toys that he played with for a few minutes. Next year, we'll do the book swap!


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose* 
<snip>

I make my family and Amazon.Com wish List, if anyone wants to know what DD or DH or I want for Xmas or whatever, I direct them there which give a general idea of what we like/want. It's not the be-all-end-all whether they get things directly from the list. But it sure gives someone and idea of what NOT to get IMO.

<snip>

That's what I was trying to convey in my post and on my wish list. Most of the items say something like "this or something like it as long as it has an off button for sound." Those types of things that give the giver some idea as to what we and he would like, instead of shooting into the dark, so to speak.


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
I see alot of Birthday threads where the Mom is asking how to delicately ask the Guests not to bring gifts to their kids Birthday Party or give alternatives as to what they CAN bring.

Why has this become the norm?

What happened to simple days when your Guests could just bring whatever they wanted to bring?

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

When DS is invited to someone's Birthday Party, I am genuinely excited for that Child and I spend a great deal of time and effort finding out what he/she would like for their Birthday.

And DS enjoys giving the gift to the Birthday Child.

Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.

Just my .02 cents.

ITA! I think it's extremely rude to assume someone is going to bring a gift in the first place just because you invited them. There has never been a section on a birthday invitation where people put "please BRING gifts" so why put on there "do not bring gifts." That doesn't make since to me.

However, I also wonder where the gift-giving even originated at years ago. There have been times I wish I could tell people not to bring a gift and that our child just wants them to come and show up and celebrate but I don't do it. I realize it's rude to say such a thing. Most people in this day and time in our culture just automatically want to bring a gift. I know I do!

One thing I can't stand to hear people do for a party is to tell the guests to donate money to a charitable organization. I think that's wrong and in some ways it can be very tacky. What if a guest is asked to give to an organization they don't support/agree in. That doesn't seem fair. Plus, they might WANT to give a gift to the birthday child/adult and they have every right to do so on their own free will. It's just rude IMO to tell someone what they *have* to spend their own $$ on.


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pemja* 
This summer we went to a 5-yo birthday party. In lieu of gifts, everyone brought a wrapped book and they did a book swap. Sat in a circle, played music, passed the books around, and when the music stopped, everyone got to unwrap and keep the book that they held. It worked great! The mom said that they went to a party like that, and her son decided he wanted to do it too. Didn't care about not having his own gifts to open. And, his mom didn't put together party favor bags filled of items made in China -- instead, everyone left with a nice new book. The mom had some extra wrapped books there, so that, for example, my young daughter participated too (since I had only brought one book).

A few weeks later, my son had his 4-yo birthday party. Gift time was a nightmare. All the kids wanted him to open their present first, my son got overwhelmed, and at the end of the party we had a bunch of crappy plastic toys that he played with for a few minutes. Next year, we'll do the book swap!

This is a good idea but it needs to be tweaked a bit IMO.







I would do something "similar" to this but I would make it a *"book party"* from the get-go and put on the invitations that it's a book party and that way the guests will just buy a book related gift to give to the child. I don't like the idea of a book swap and not focusing primarily on the birthday child. It's that child's birthday not everyone else's at the party. That's the point in having a party! I don't host a party for my child in order to make sure all children invited have equal gifts when they leave. Makes no sense to have a party in the first place. The invitations should just read group party.

UNLESS my child specifically came to me and "chose" to do a party like the book swap mentioned above, I wouldn't push it. I'm thinking that particular mom pushed that idea to make herself look good in front of the other moms (don't we all try to do that







) and to try and control her child's day. I bet it took weeks or atleast days of coercing for that mom to convince her child he/she didn't need real gifts and needed to give to the guests instead of receiving for himself.







You didn't see that part, you just saw the end result. I just couldn't do that to my child on their special day. I would rather have NO party than a group party where all the kids get the same exact gift. It seems odd to me, almost silly. Sure it could be PART of the whole party (the book swap) but not the total idea behind it all.

I'm old fashioned and think the birthday child is special and needs to enjoy that day as *their* special day. I think the book swap idea would be good maybe for older children or for a party held in a classroom at their school. JMHO


----------



## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.

ITA. I always think when this comes up why are you having such big birthday parties anyways where you feel you have to put no gifts b/c you don't want to deal with that amount of stuff? But then growing up we only had to invite our friends to our birthday parties, not the whole class. And we didn't actually have birthday parties with more than our immediate family until we were old enough to only have to invite our friends.

And if you are doing this for your child's class, then how is your child going to feel when they go to other birthday blowout parties and see their friends open gifts when they didn't get any for their birthday? While not required, gifts are part of birthday parties. It's how attendees enjoy participating in the celebration and marking the occasion.


----------



## TwinMomWendy (Jul 13, 2006)

Ok, this is a great thread! I have a question for all of you ladies. I have a set of twin girls, who will be 5 in Feb. They go to different schools for kindergarten, as they need to have their own space. We would like to have a birthday party for them, but my hubby said that if we invite anyone from their classes, we should invite the whole classroom. Ok, I can see his point, and I have found a place that sports a full kitchen and has (what we call) a "gerbil cage" - a big activity play area that can hold up to 50 kids. Even if all the kids did say they could come, there wouldn't be more than 40 kids total. I don't have a problem with putting on the invites that we would like if two cans of food be donated for a food pantry in lieu of presents. Is this kosher? Also, do we invite the kids to "both" the kids party, or specify which child the classmate is being invited to celebrate with? TIA!


----------



## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
*shrug* I always brought presents to birthday parties. they were always books too.

*I* Picked out the presents.

I think I'll encourage DD to give her friends books too. Not gaudy loud toys..just a nice book.

Not enough kids read these days...

i love giving the gift of a book on birthdays, i feel like it is a wonderful present and ives the child the gift of another world to explore and the gift of somebodys time to read with them - books are a great present. i love it when people give my children books as presents.


----------



## koru (Sep 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TwinMomWendy* 
Ok, this is a great thread! I have a question for all of you ladies. I have a set of twin girls, who will be 5 in Feb. They go to different schools for kindergarten, as they need to have their own space. We would like to have a birthday party for them, but my hubby said that if we invite anyone from their classes, we should invite the whole classroom. Ok, I can see his point, and I have found a place that sports a full kitchen and has (what we call) a "gerbil cage" - a big activity play area that can hold up to 50 kids. Even if all the kids did say they could come, there wouldn't be more than 40 kids total. I don't have a problem with putting on the invites that we would like if two cans of food be donated for a food pantry in lieu of presents. Is this kosher? Also, do we invite the kids to "both" the kids party, or specify which child the classmate is being invited to celebrate with? TIA!

if you want to invite both classes, invite them both! a lot of kids doesn't equal an out of control party & it can still be very simple....play & cake! i would only invite them to their classmates party but would specify somehow that it's a joint party with her sister just so the parents know it will be quite large. i might also include how many chaperones will be there (assuming it's a "drop off") because i would be hesistant to leave my child at a party with so many people & not feel it was properly "staffed." otherwise, sounds good! bringing a can for a food pantry sounds like a great idea, too, and if it seems odd to some of the parents, well, maybe they'll take note!


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.

Namaste!


LOL Oh please.

That is all.


----------



## koru (Sep 7, 2006)

i also want to add (because i'm definitely in favor of giftless parties) that i am not a person who necessarily enjoys bringing a gift to kids' birthday parties. i usually find it quite difficult to pick out something because kids these days have everything. i much more enjoy making the cards with my girls & they love it, too! they prefer getting out the glue & glitter & cotton balls & pipe cleaners over shopping for, buying & wrapping a gift (well...they like to help me wrap). so...if the invitation says "no gifts," this is what we do. if it doesn't, we trudge around looking for something simple & appropriate & have more fun making the card! IMO, a birthday is about celebrating our specialness & there are so many more ways to show someone they are special in your life than buying them something.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
then how is your child going to feel when they go to other birthday blowout parties and see their friends open gifts when they didn't get any for their birthday?

We talk to our kids about our values and why we have "no gift" parties. We don't really worry about how other families handle their kids' parties and we don't try to keep up with the Joneses.

My younger kids are thrilled that their grandparents and aunt drive in from another state for their birthday. My oldest child had her birthday party at a park with a water feature. Our kids really enjoy their parties and the focus is not on presents.

Of course, they do get gifts from dh and I and family members. We just don't encourage people to bring presents to the party.

Namaste!


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I am happy to go along with the invitation.....if someone wants "no gifts", that is fine with me. I am not offended or put out or disappointed. If I have a gift I really want to give, I will give it at another time. Also, as pp mentioned, dd always brings *something*, often a homemade card or a necklace she beaded, unwrapped. Dd, like her daddy, is always making things for other people.

As for me, I would love to have a no gift party, but dd doesn't want that







. What works best for us is to have fewer, and smaller, parties. Speaking of trends (and maybe this is regional), when I was a child very few people had birthday parties every year (outside of family). In fact, I never had a friend who had a birthday party every year. I had 2 parties in my school-age days.....I can't remember my best friend, living across the street, having more than one. And they were small--just a couple of close friends. My family made birthdays special without a party with friends. I am hoping to do the same for dd.

Themed parties--one of my ideas is to have a "garden party". The hosting family can prepare a patch of dirt for the birthday child, guests can bring something for the garden (a plant, a cutting, a tool, some seeds, an ornament, a book about gardening....etc). Kids can get digging! And maybe decorate some wide-brimmed garden hats for a party favor (hot glue and silk flowers, or fabric paint).


----------



## Godaime (Feb 1, 2006)

I also think thats its horrible that people dictate WHAT gift guests should bring on an invitation. I totally agree with this

Quote:

I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.
Seriously... I know theres moms who would rather get a certain kind of gifts but its not up to the guest to satisfy the mom's wishes. The parents can buy what they wish for their kids. If the child gets something the parents wish they didn't. Just make it "disappear", donate it, simple.

For moms who are against bringing gifts to a party, just don't bring one.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I don't get why people think you have to invite a kid's entire classroom? Why not just let them invite two or three of their closest friends? At my twelvth birthday I had two parties. One was only with family (our usual party) and the other my parents let me have my friends over. I got to pick who came, no one tried to force me to have people I hardly knew over just because I saw them in class. No one gave any speeches about how I had to invite Mary and Ted if I invited Daisy and George because no one wants their feelings hurt. Most kids (at least when I was in school) don't associate with every single other kid, which means that inviting every kid is just...strange. If (general) your kid never speaks to Ted, doesn't hang out, Ted doesn't talk to him, then why does it matter if Ted is there at your kid's special celebration or not?

Sorry to hit rant mode, but I just don't get it.









~Nay


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I don't think etiquette is esoteric. We don't get to make demands of others just because we're "right." From the last handful of kids' birthday parties I've been to, it seems that opening the gift at the party is no longer the norm and as has been discussed, what's the matter with giving a card or a painting? It's not that we can't survive the "horror" of honesty, it's that good manners dictate you don't demand what gifts can and can't be given.

And one man's "crap" plastic toy is another man's felted wool ball. There are plenty of people out there who would be overjoyed to have a piece of plastic "crap" for their kids to play with...if the choice is plastic toys or no toys at all, would you care? If the choice was a non-organic food or no food at all, would you let yourself starve? Of course not.


That's so true about one deems crap. My kids adore those tiny Pokemon figures. They frolic in the Waldrof barn with the Breyer horses. I have no idea why. lol

It's easier to be extreme on MDC rather than just enjoying life as best we can in a mixed up world. I just feel so sorry about all the negative energy of "We don't want your crappy plastic toy gift, so don't bring us anything". It's like all the spoiled kids grew up to be even more demanding.

I just don't get that. The people one invites to a child's party should be friends, and we should not be mean or rude to our friends. Or anyone. Especially not to those who can't afford a felt dragon as a gift, but is giving your child a little Fisher Price something they can afford.

It seems so snobby. And believe me, we love Waldorf-y wooden toys. However, one's preferences doesn't make it right to turn your nose up at any gift. Again, a gift a mother deems too crappy for her own child is another child's dream gift.

I think it's perfectly fine to spread the word verbally among friends that gifts are not necessary, or that you love books, or that your child is adding to his collection of little horses if one askes. But demands have no place on an invitation. if the party has so many strangers coming, then imo, one needs to rethink why you are having people you don't know come to the party.

I think we need to spend less time snubbing people and more time embracing others. Even the MIL who buys a My Pretty Pony Castle. Horrors, I know.







: (And those are not tomatoes, they are felt gnomes.







)


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
The people one invites to a child's party should be friends,

I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

I don't feel like a spoiled child who grew up to be a demanding adult. I feel like a child who was raised with a good set of values who grew up to have concern for the earth and its inhabitants and realizes that conspicuous consumption and materialism are not going to get us anywhere good.

If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

I don't feel like a spoiled child who grew up to be a demanding adult. I feel like a child who was raised with a good set of values who grew up to have concern for the earth and its inhabitants and realizes that conspicuous consumption and materialism are not going to get us anywhere good.

If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!

You're personalizing this and being rude. I find you very intense and difficult to talk with.


----------



## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

Quote:

*dharmamama* wrote: If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.
Hear, hear! I agree with everything you've said on this thread.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
You're personalizing this and being rude. I find you very intense and difficult to talk with.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I am not trying to be rude. I'm just trying to explain where I am coming from. I'm sorry you find me rude.

Namaste!


----------



## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I'm agreeing whole-heartedly with dharmamama on this one.

I too had no idea how many people feel that emphasizing that you and your child want only the pleasure of his or her friends' company for a special day is rude. We've been to a couple of no gift parties or variants along those lines, and always thought it was very thoughtful. Incidentally, they were also among the most fun birthday parties dd has been too, because a lot of thought had gone into the joy of the day for the kids involved, rather than the logistics of acquiring, admiring and quickly moving on from one gift to another.

The whole gift frenzy at birthday parties is a learned behavior for kids, and it seems very unfair to me for adults to force it on children, who otherwise tend to get a lot of joy out of the celebration itself.


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

I don't feel like a spoiled child who grew up to be a demanding adult. I feel like a child who was raised with a good set of values who grew up to have concern for the earth and its inhabitants and realizes that conspicuous consumption and materialism are not going to get us anywhere good.

If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!


You finally put into words what I've been thinking as I've read this thread. It isn't rude to tell your true friends what your child wants for his b-day, or that your family has strong anti-plastic values, becasue they are your FRIENDS which means they want to know this kind of stuff, because they care about your family and your child. And if they get offended, they aren't your friends at all, really. Because why would a freind be offended by the way you raise your own child, why would they judge your choices? A real friend wouldn't.


----------



## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

It's one thing when someone asks you what gift should we bring to say, "well really just bring yourself there's nothing dd needs except to celebrate her birthday with friends." It's another to put "no gifts" on invitations. One is being honest and gracious the other is assuming that people feel your child's birthday is a gift trolling event. Also judging from some of the comments some people might feel that you would only give their child plastic crap so don't bother.

If your friends share your values then you don't need to put "no gifts" on an invite. They will understand the spirit of the party you are throwing. I don't know birthday parties seems like a good opportunity to teach children how to be gracious hosts or hostesses.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!


I'm not sure you're reading my posts, or if you simply don't understand. So I'll go ahead and quote myself







:

"I think it's perfectly fine to spread the word verbally among friends that gifts are not necessary, or that you love books, or that your child is adding to his collection of little horses if one askes. But demands have no place on an invitation".


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
It's one thing when someone asks you what gift should we bring to say, "well really just bring yourself there's nothing dd needs except to celebrate her birthday with friends." It's another to put "no gifts" on invitations. One is being honest and gracious the other is assuming that people feel your child's birthday is a gift trolling event. Also judging from some of the comments some people might feel that you would only give their child plastic crap so don't bother.

If your friends share your values then you don't need to put "no gifts" on an invite. They will understand the spirit of the party you are throwing. I don't know birthday parties seems like a good opportunity to teach children how to be gracious hosts or hostesses.

Exactly.


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.


----------



## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

We have had a no-gifts party for all of dd's birthdays. I do not really care if it is rude or not. Offended? Don't come. It is not about disapproving of toys or not getting the kinds we want. It is about living a simple life. Dd has WAY more toys than she needs and I see no reason to contribute to this society's consumeristic attitude and environmental problems just to make a check mark in my ettiquette book. Not to mention many of our friends are broke and I do not want them to have to worry about spending money to come to our little cookout. Dd has always had giftless parties and has never been to a party that had gifts so she is not aware that she is missing out on a glut of presents. When that day comes, we will discuss it and then decide how to proceed with her consent. At this point she is just happy to have the attention of all of her friends (chlidren and adults), eat cake, and play until the wee hours of the night.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

I don't feel like a spoiled child who grew up to be a demanding adult. I feel like a child who was raised with a good set of values who grew up to have concern for the earth and its inhabitants and realizes that conspicuous consumption and materialism are not going to get us anywhere good.

If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!

And here's the heart of the matter. You don't *really* think that my way and your way are both equally fine--you think that your way is right and my way is wrong. The way you set this up makes it sound like if you're WILLING to accept toys in the spirit in which they are given, it's a poor statement on the party-thrower and her family. Good values, in your words, means agreeing with you and doing things your way. And frankly, *that's* what my "hostility" (I'll say "contention") is directed at. I

Yes, *some* of my friends have similar values...but others don't! I have a whole spectrum of friends, some of whom are very ecologically conscious and "green," and others who thought nothing of bringing the biggest, fattest battery-operated hunk of plastic with so much packaging it made my head spin.







: But they're all our friends, and everyone gave according to their own values.


----------



## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

Quote:

*Yooper* wrote: Dd has WAY more toys than she needs and I see no reason to contribute to this society's consumeristic attitude and environmental problems just to make a check mark in my ettiquette book.
I feel a spin-off thread comin' on.


----------



## Godaime (Feb 1, 2006)

I personally don't mind no gift parties...easier for me...however the host should not ASK guests to bring a specific thing. For example don't ask people to bring wooden Thomas train. If any of the guests comes forward and ask you what your child is into...of course you can answer them and say oh my child has shown a great interest in trains. If they don't ask its rude to to state on an invitation.


----------



## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
We have had a no-gifts party for all of dd's birthdays. I do not really care if it is rude or not. Offended? Don't come. It is not about disapproving of toys or not getting the kinds we want. It is about living a simple life. Dd has WAY more toys than she needs and I see no reason to contribute to this society's consumeristic attitude and environmental problems just to make a check mark in my ettiquette book. Not to mention many of our friends are broke and I do not want them to have to worry about spending money to come to our little cookout. Dd has always had giftless parties and has never been to a party that had gifts so she is not aware that she is missing out on a glut of presents. When that day comes, we will discuss it and then decide how to proceed with her consent. At this point she is just happy to have the attention of all of her friends (chlidren and adults), eat cake, and play until the wee hours of the night.

I agree that too much is too much, and I agree there are some terrible production and pollution problems, but not embracing the thoughtfulness of others doesn't help that. There's no reason we can't kindly share out thoughts with friends, rather than putting odd commentary on invitations.

I've seen, esp at MDC over the years, gchildren kept from gparents, or huge arguments that cause gigantic family rifts over things like whether a child should recieve a plastic toy or eat a sugar cookie at gma's. I do think it's frustrating when gparents or friends don't see things exactly as we do, but kindness and understanding go a long way to helping each other see things differently.

Loving friends and parents should transcend whether someone gives a child a Barbie or a My Little Pony, or a gift when someone said "No gifts". If you expect others not to be offended at your invitations commentary, I don't see why they should not be offended in return if you get angry that they wanted to give a child they cared about a gift.

There is so much anger here...and anger isn't the way to heal the world. The most lofty ideals don't do much if it means thinking it's ok to be unkind to others who are trying to be kind.


----------



## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I'm not a fan of plastic either--but I believe that common courtesy trumps social responsibility every time.

Really?


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
And here's the heart of the matter. You don't *really* think that my way and your way are both equally fine--you think that your way is right and my way is wrong

I was unaware that you could look straight into my heart and know my true thoughts and feelings.









My way is right for MY FAMILY. Your way is right for YOUR FAMILY. Honestly, I really don't care what you do for your kid's birthday party. It's YOUR KID. My kids are MY KIDS, and we will celebrate according to our family's values. It actually is completely fine with me if you have different values for your kid's party. I like to discuss this stuff, but I truly don't get very invested in what other people on message boards do.










Namaste!


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.

I also think that if one is only inviting good friends it wouldn't be important to tell them what to do. You love them, they know you, you love them, why the need for rules. A friend will understand a simple "Please just bring yourself'. OTOH, a friend may really like your child and want to bring something they kow they will enjoy. When I think of the children I care about, I think about what they might really enjoy.

OTOH, if a good friend tells me no gifts, I won't bring one-- we never exchange gifts with out playgroup friends, although some children paint pictures, and once a 4 yr old made a darling little 'doll' out of a piece of felt and roving wool. We've also given used toys & books. (From our own homes). We've never put anything on the invitations, however. We just said it at playgroup a million years ago.


----------



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

This is not specifically about children's parties but my mom once went to a baby shower for a very *rich* woman and her invitation said, "Your presence is present enough".







I thought that was a nice, tactful way to put it. Maybe that would be a nicer way to put it on a child's invitation too. Sounds more pleasant than no gifts please, imo.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
This is not specifically about children's parties but my mom once went to a baby shower for a very *rich* woman and her invitation said, "Your presence is present enough".







I thought that was a nice, tactful way to put it. Maybe that would be a nicer way to put it on a child's invitation too. Sounds more pleasant than no gifts please, imo.

I could go there. It's a lot nicer that "Only wooden toys, please" which really translates into "Not the crappy stuff people usually buy".


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shonahsmom* 
Really?









Yes, really. I don't think it's OK to be rude to people because you think you're right. It's not OK to say "no plastic toys, please" even if plastic is bad for the environment. It's not OK to say "organic food only, please" even if organic food is better for you and for the earth. I'm not saying you should turn a deaf ear to the rantings of a bigot because you must be "polite," but when it comes to people giving you things, you accept the gift in the spirit which it was intended.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I was unaware that you could look straight into my heart and know my true thoughts and feelings.









Namaste!











I was interpreting your words. The ones you WROTE. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your sarcasm to yourself.

And if you don't like it, don't come...how does that teach kids how to be gracious?


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 









I was interpreting your words. The ones you WROTE. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your sarcasm to yourself.

If it were sarcasm I would've used a sarcastic smiley. This was a laughing smiley. You interpreted my words incorrectly. I said just what I meant.

Quote:

And if you don't like it, don't come...how does that teach kids how to be gracious?
I'm not talking about teaching my kids to be gracious. I said that in response to the idea that those of us who ask for no gifts are forcing our values on others. If we say no gifts and you bring one anyway just because you want to, how is that not forcing your values on us? If you feel you simply can't abide by our desire for our party, your choices are pretty much: 1) Suck it up and come anyway, 2) Disregard our choice, 3) Don't come.

I get the feeling that you are going to look for something rude or snarky in everything I say from here on out. I'd like to ask that you take my words at face value instead of trying to read things into them.

Namaste!


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Maybe I just think etiquette rules are sort of Victorian or out of date. I think people write books saying "Gift registries are rude" or "You shouldn't put gift restrictions" just because they want to sell books. It doesn't mean any of us have to believe what the "ettiquette experts" say. I don't think it's rude at all when someone lets me know (on the invitation if they want to) what their child would like. Actually, I'm overjoyed by it because I get joy out of giving the child something he will actually play with - I'm giving him a little joy and that makes me happy. Sure, it's your "right" as a gift giver to give something the child will not like at all, never play with, throw away, be disgusted with, or that the parents will put out by the curb tomorrow, but why would anyone want to give a gift like that? And this word of mouth stuff, that's quaint and sweet and all, but that doesn't make it better. It's just a made up rule, that's all.

Maybe I think gift restrictions aren't rude because people where I live are pretty laid back. I mean, do people where you all live actually ever send you a thank you note? I've sent plenty, but I have never received one. But I don't think people are being rude, it's just not something that's commonly done. So I think "proper etiqutte" can't possibly be one right way throughout the entire country. Gift registries are done 100% of the time for weddings and baby showers here - but I have never once thought that could even possibly be offensive. I've never been offended, it's just totally normal. So maybe everybody here was just raised in a different envoirnment and that's why some people are so dead set that it's offensive and others can't understand how it could possibly be offensive.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Maybe I just think etiquette rules are sort of Victorian or out of date. I think people write books saying "Gift registries are rude" or "You shouldn't put gift restrictions" just because they want to sell books. It doesn't mean any of us have to believe what the "ettiquette experts" say. I don't think it's rude at all when someone lets me know (on the invitation if they want to) what their child would like. Actually, I'm overjoyed by it because I get joy out of giving the child something he will actually play with - I'm giving him a little joy and that makes me happy. Sure, it's your "right" as a gift giver to give something the child will not like at all, never play with, throw away, be disgusted with, or that the parents will put out by the curb tomorrow, but why would anyone want to give a gift like that? And this word of mouth stuff, that's quaint and sweet and all, but that doesn't make it better. It's just a made up rule, that's all.

Maybe I think gift restrictions aren't rude because people where I live are pretty laid back. I mean, do people where you all live actually ever send you a thank you note? I've sent plenty, but I have never received one. But I don't think people are being rude, it's just not something that's commonly done. So I think "proper etiqutte" can't possibly be one right way throughout the entire country. Gift registries are done 100% of the time for weddings and baby showers here - but I have never once thought that could even possibly be offensive. I've never been offended, it's just totally normal. So maybe everybody here was just raised in a different envoirnment and that's why some people are so dead set that it's offensive and others can't understand how it could possibly be offensive.









:

Namaste!


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Wow...I'm not reading into anything. You were being sarcastic. And instead of apologizing, you're saying you weren't being sarcastic. So you really think I can look into your heart?

The second part of my statement was not directed at you, it was Yooper I believe who said don't like it, don't come. But for the record, if I received an invitation with "no gifts please" on the invite, I wouldn't bring anything. It's not something I myself would do, but if I disregard the host's request, then *I'm* in breach of etiquette.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
Wow...I'm not reading into anything. You were being sarcastic. And instead of apologizing, you're saying you weren't being sarcastic. So you really think I can look into your heart?

I'm not sure of the technical distinction between being sarcastic and making a joke, but my intention was to make a joke, that's all. I was trying to lighten the mood.

Namaste!


----------



## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

From Wikipedia's article on etiquette -

Quote:

One can reasonably view etiquette as the minimal politics required to avoid major conflict in polite society, and as such, an important aspect of applied ethics.
If avoiding major conflict in polite society is quaint and Victorian, I can't tell you how sad I find that.

The funny thing is the rules of etiquette for parties actually are for what you're attempting to do by putting "no gifts" on the invite. The only party where gifts are required is a shower since it's to shower whoever with gifts. There are no gifts required for any other party, wedding, birthday or whatever. So I would hope you would see that the basis of not putting any sort of gift wish or requirement on an invite comes from this belief. By putting something about gifts on an invitation to a party where gifts aren't required you're implying that you felt gifts were required. This goes for the non-consumerist no gifts person to the selfish bride to be that puts cash gifts only. To me, personally putting whatever your gift wish is on the invite just I don't know makes it feel the party has an ulterior motive whether it's to show me how great your are b/c you don't want presents for your child or if you're using it as fundraiser to pay for your wedding. Doesn't mean I won't respect your wishes, just makes me a little sad that parties are viewed this way.

You should understand many people through etiquette or how they were raised feel it's impolite to show up at someone's house without something. It's part of their appreciation for being invited to dinner or a birthday party or whatever. I would never show up at someone's house empty handed. I would also never expect you to open my gift then and there or serve the wine I brought to dinner or replace your centerpiece with the flowers I brought. My gifts are to show my appreciation rather than for you to tell my how wonderful I am for having brought whatever.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.

Well, under the title of "you can't please everyone"







, dd would be very upset if the present she brought was not opened in her presence. She puts a lot of thought into choosing gifts, and her joy is seeing the recipient open it. She'd get over it, though.

I have to say that, reading this thread, I can't imagine having any true ill feelings about a child's birthday party invitation from dear friends. Whether they ask for no gifts, or a certain kind of gift.....whether they follow etiquette or not....whether they open gifts in our presence or not....whether they send thank you notes or not.......it isn't about us. It is about celebrating the birthday of a child we care about. I am wondering if all of this concern over etiquette and gifts comes from inviting people who aren't truly friends?


----------



## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

I'm with Benji's Mom in that ettiquette is different in different areas of the country. However, I would say that, for me, "ettiquette" is anything that is common sense courtesy. For example, you don't spit on people; you apologize if you step on their foot; you say 'please' and 'thank you'. Things beyond that are not really "ettiquette" in my book, they are social mores (pronounced "morays") - strongly held norms or customs. Just because never going to someone's home empty-handed is a custom where one person comes from, doesn't mean it is for someone else. If another person is ignorant of that custom, are they being rude to show up empty-handed?

So, while bringing gifts to a birthday party is not a requirement, it is a social more. For that reason, it IS necessary to somehow indicate that no gifts are desired, since the default assumption, and custom, is to bring gifts to birthdays.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:

One can reasonably view etiquette as the minimal politics required to avoid major conflict in polite society, and as such, an important aspect of applied ethics.
Obviously the definition of etiquette is what it is, but honestly, I don't see society breaking down into major conflict because someone wrote "No gifts, please" on a birthday party invitation.

But then again, we are so low class around here that we don't even send invitations. We tell our friends via phone or when we see them when the party will be.









I can see both sides of the issue, but I guess when I think about how my friends and family relate to one another in such a relaxed and informal way, a way that feels comfy and cozy, certain rules of etiquette seem like they would hinder rather than further our social relationships.

Namaste!


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonconformnmom* 
I'm with Benji's Mom in that ettiquette is different in different areas of the country. However, I would say that, for me, "ettiquette" is anything that is common sense courtesy. For example, you don't spit on people; you apologize if you step on their foot; you say 'please' and 'thank you'. Things beyond that are not really "ettiquette" in my book, they are social mores (pronounced "morays") - strongly held norms or customs. Just because never going to someone's home empty-handed is a custom where one person comes from, doesn't mean it is for someone else. If another person is ignorant of that custom, are they being rude to show up empty-handed?

So, while bringing gifts to a birthday party is not a requirement, it is a social more. For that reason, it IS necessary to somehow indicate that no gifts are desired, since the default assumption, and custom, is to bring gifts to birthdays.









:

That's exactly what I was getting at when I said that we are all too polite to acknowledge that gifts ARE expected at a child's birthday party. I didn't explain it nearly as well as you did, but you are absolutely correct about social mores.

Namaste!


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
From Wikipedia's article on etiquette -

If avoiding major conflict in polite society is quaint and Victorian, I can't tell you how sad I find that.

But I'm only saying the minimum that's required in society surely must be different in each society. I'm only saying where I live, thank you notes and word-of-mouth, etc., are not required even as a minimum. There's nothing sad about that, it's just different from your society.

Quote:

The funny thing is the rules of etiquette for parties actually are for what you're attempting to do by putting "no gifts" on the invite. The only party where gifts are required is a shower since it's to shower whoever with gifts. There are no gifts required for any other party, wedding, birthday or whatever.
Come on, that's just another arbitrary rule that not everyone has to agree with. You REALLY think gifts aren't required for birthdays? That's what I mean by old fasioned. I think TODAY, most people except that birthday parties are a proper place to bring gifts and it's generally expected that a gift will be brought for the birthday girl/boy, and that would be seen as a normal thing to do.

Quote:

So I would hope you would see that the basis of not putting any sort of gift wish or requirement on an invite comes from this belief. By putting something about gifts on an invitation to a party where gifts aren't required you're implying that you felt gifts were required. This goes for the non-consumerist no gifts person to the selfish bride to be that puts cash gifts only. To me, personally putting whatever your gift wish is on the invite just I don't know makes it feel the party has an ulterior motive whether it's to show me how great your are b/c you don't want presents for your child or if you're using it as fundraiser to pay for your wedding. Doesn't mean I won't respect your wishes, just makes me a little sad that parties are viewed this way.
Like I said I think it's normally expected that a birthday party is a gift-giving occasion, and very few people would see that as a sad thing. You are one of those very few, apparently, but MOST people give gifts and MOST people receive them at birthdays, and MOST people aren't saddened by celebrating special occasions with gifts, and MOST people wouldn't see the desire for gifts as an ulterior motive.

Quote:

You should understand many people through etiquette or how they were raised feel it's impolite to show up at someone's house without something. It's part of their appreciation for being invited to dinner or a birthday party or whatever. I would never show up at someone's house empty handed. I would also never expect you to open my gift then and there or serve the wine I brought to dinner or replace your centerpiece with the flowers I brought. My gifts are to show my appreciation rather than for you to tell my how wonderful I am for having brought whatever.
Wow. I wasn't raised in a barnyard, you know. I do give gifts to people and that includes hostess gifts. BUT I will say that hostess gifts are not normally expected, whereas birthday and wedding gifts are. You're lumping them into the same catagory. But I think birthdays and weddings are special occasions where a gift would be expected, and expecting a gift for these "gift giving occasions" is just normal and not greedy or wrong. Whereas the hostess gift is not for a special occasion, so if someone *expects* a gift for hosting a party that might be a little greedy.

It just sounds like you want to experience gift giving occasions, but kind of keep it a big ole secret that it's a gift giving occasion. Like, we all KNOW it is, but let's not talk about it, let's pretend it doesn't exist. But why???? If people enjoy giving and receiving, and celebrating with gifts, why can't we talk about it? It should be something enjoyable, not all hush-hush and secretive.

And I think part of the joy of giving, for me, is giving something that will be enjoyed by the recipient, not just any old thing, but something they really WANT to have. And I don't see anything wrong with the birthday host, wedding host, etc., putting on the invite what kinds of things the guest of honor would like to receive. I just don't see anything wrong with that. But that's the general way things are done here. And that's all I'm saying. If you don't do things the same in your neck of the woods, that's okay with me.


----------



## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

*nonconformnmom:
Thank you so much for the explanation.

*


----------



## townmouse (May 3, 2004)

my two cents: why have a birthday party???

Our birthdays are family only; Grandma comes if she can. We have a great time, just the 6 or 7 of us.

Our parties for friends are giftless occasions with a theme. Coming into winter, we'll have candy-making parties, folk songs parties, book clubs, board game parties, Christmas party, New Years party, etc.

We have friends over to have friends over. If you have a theme and call it a party, you can have a LOT of friends over, but no gifts!

We've just opted out of the birthday party scene. Birthdays are for family only.


----------



## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Come on, that's just another arbitrary rule that not everyone has to agree with. You REALLY think gifts aren't required for birthdays? That's what I mean by old fasioned. I think TODAY, most people except that birthday parties are a proper place to bring gifts and it's generally expected that a gift will be brought for the birthday girl/boy, and that would be seen as a normal thing to do.

I've been to lots of birthday parties where no gifts were expected or given. I don't view a birthday party as a gift required occasion and I have lots of friends and family who also don't view it that way. But also as I said I would never show up to someone's house empty handed.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Like I said I think it's normally expected that a birthday party is a gift-giving occasion, and very few people would see that as a sad thing. You are one of those very few, apparently, but MOST people give gifts and MOST people receive them at birthdays, and MOST people aren't saddened by celebrating special occasions with gifts, and MOST people wouldn't see the desire for gifts as an ulterior motive.

What saddens me is not the gifts but the expectation that birthday parties or celebrations or weddings or whatever is all about gifts. I also didn't say there was anything wrong in wanting gifts just in expecting them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Wow. I wasn't raised in a barnyard, you know. I do give gifts to people and that includes hostess gifts. BUT I will say that hostess gifts are not normally expected, whereas birthday and wedding gifts are. You're lumping them into the same catagory. But I think birthdays and weddings are special occasions where a gift would be expected, and expecting a gift for these "gift giving occasions" is just normal and not greedy or wrong. Whereas the hostess gift is not for a special occasion, so if someone *expects* a gift for hosting a party that might be a little greedy.

It's greedy to expect people to celebrate your birthday with gifts. It's greedy to expect people to celebrate the start of your new life together by bringing a gift. It's greedy to expect people to come to your house for dinner with a gift. I invite you to my wedding, my birthday party or my house for dinner b/c I want you to be a part of that celebration. Because you mean so much to me that I want you there to make the occasion of a life change - wedding or birthday or b/c I am making a meal. I do not expect you to bring anything but yourself. I don't invite people so they bring gifts whatever the occasion. I could tell you tons of stories of brides pissed off and having their day ruined b/c guests for their wedding didn't get the amount of money or gifts expected to make up for the party they threw. It seems if you're expecting gifts you're kind of missing the point of having the party in the first place.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
It just sounds like you want to experience gift giving occasions, but kind of keep it a big ole secret that it's a gift giving occasion. Like, we all KNOW it is, but let's not talk about it, let's pretend it doesn't exist. But why???? If people enjoy giving and receiving, and celebrating with gifts, why can't we talk about it? It should be something enjoyable, not all hush-hush and secretive.

This goes back to above. I don't throw parties to receive gifts. I throw parties b/c I want people to celebrate whatever the occasion is. I will answer questions if someone asks me what to get. I see nothing wrong in that. I like bridal registries. But to give someone an invitation that states what gift to bring or not bring takes away from spirit in which that invitation is offered.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
And I think part of the joy of giving, for me, is giving something that will be enjoyed by the recipient, not just any old thing, but something they really WANT to have. And I don't see anything wrong with the birthday host, wedding host, etc., putting on the invite what kinds of things the guest of honor would like to receive. I just don't see anything wrong with that. But that's the general way things are done here. And that's all I'm saying. If you don't do things the same in your neck of the woods, that's okay with me.

Since you think it's ok to expect gifts, of course you don't see anything wrong with it.


----------



## Godaime (Feb 1, 2006)

:


----------



## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.

Actually, the birthday parties we throw for dd are about as not-consumeristic as they come. We do not invite over hoards of 3 yos and since dd is not in any sort of school and will not be in the forseeable furture, we are not obligated to invite an entire class or anything. Her friends are our friends.....young and old. That comes to about 40 people that live in our area. We have a cookout in our backyard. I cook everything from scratch including veggie burgers and cake. We eat off of our real dishes and drink out of mason jars and even use cloth napkins. We play lawn games and cards. The kids really like frolicking in our raspberry bushes and eating their fill. There is sidewalk chalk, a baby pool, and sprinkler. The kids get to stay up WAY past thier bedtimes chasing each other around the yard until they collapse in a heap of blankets on my livingroom floor and the adults carry on with quiet conversation and cards. Dd loved her last one and stilll talks about it daily. She has no idea she is suppose to be disappointed about not getting a huge pile of stuff nor does she know it is rude to not contribute to the clutter in our house, global warming, landfill, and child labor.

And whoever said that ettiquette comes before social responsibiliy.....I completely disagree.


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Well, under the title of "you can't please everyone"







, dd would be very upset if the present she brought was not opened in her presence. She puts a lot of thought into choosing gifts, and her joy is seeing the recipient open it. She'd get over it, though.


I personally love to see people open gifts I bought. However, in the spirit of less of a focus on gifts and avoiding anything awkward, maybe it would be best. I dunno.


----------



## NaturalMamma (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

Because it's not about the gift giver--it's about the receiver. I know people who have invested time and thought into getting something for my DD--but it was either something she already had, can't use or isn't interested in. I had 2 Cinderalla DVD's one Christmas b/c no one asks my opinion of what to get my DD. Then there is the family to consider. We just don't have space for more stuff in our home. (You want to buy me something--buy me a bigger house.







) Yes, we try to donate old toys, but DD doesn't want to part with most of them. I'm in the process of digging out her old baby board books from the garage b/c she is learning to read and loves them.

In the old days, gifts were much simpler, often hand-made, straight from the heart...not as plentiful. We are chin-deep in consumerism. Not to sound like a scrooge, but I just don't need a thing and don't want friends giving me Christmas gifts. If someone feels compelled to give me a gift, I prefer something food-based.

I am really craving a simplistic life-style and am tired of all the stuff taking over my home. It's mostly a burden.

cindi


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.

We did this for DS's first birthday. There really were no children who were old enough to be aware of the gift opening portion of the party. And, as I posted before, we sent out very personal thank you notes. That said, as he gets older I think we will open the gifts as the whole spirit of "giving" seems to be lost if the recipient doesn't open them while the giver is there. Just my opinion after having done it the other way. (We did so mostly because it was outside and so hot the balloons were actually popping in the heat!)


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
<snip>

Themed parties--one of my ideas is to have a "garden party". The hosting family can prepare a patch of dirt for the birthday child, guests can bring something for the garden (a plant, a cutting, a tool, some seeds, an ornament, a book about gardening....etc). Kids can get digging! And maybe decorate some wide-brimmed garden hats for a party favor (hot glue and silk flowers, or fabric paint).

This is a GREAT idea!! Thank you so much! Grandpa and Nana are almost finished building their new house where they will have a veggie garden (Grandpa's) and a flower garden (Nana's). Maybe we can work something around your garden party idea, if not for DS's second birthday, at least his third. They'd have so much fun digging in the dirt and maybe pressing flowers, or whatever. I'll have to give it some thought. But, thanks for the idea!

Oh, and I've seen at other parties that if you send a really specifically themed invitation people tend to buy gifts related to that theme, which is a good or bad thing depending on how you feel about it. But, a garden theme would really keep the whistle & bells toys at bay. And, be so much fun! Can't wait to tell Grandpa and Nana! Thanks so much!

This all will work for adults, too. For Christmas this year DH and I have passed along to family (word of mouth) that we'd rather have one nice item for DS than put the burden of buying for all three of us, as none of my siblings are even married. A "family" gift of sorts, as a gift for DS is a gift for us. We will be giving gifts to others, of course. But, DH and I are not even giving material gifts to each other this year. Just waiting to see what DS gets and then spending the rest of our gift budget on items he needs. We really don't want anything else this year, anyway.

But, this great! Keep the theme ideas coming!


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Rather OT but _Young at Art_ has a whole, very detailed section about holding an art party . . .the children make their own favors, decorate the cake, etc. I am planning on doing this!

I love the garden party idea, too!!!!


----------



## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 

"I think it's perfectly fine to spread the word verbally among friends that gifts are not necessary, or that you love books, or that your child is adding to his collection of little horses if one askes. But demands have no place on an invitation".

I am ITA with you on this.


----------



## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

Quote:

The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties
*I've never heard of these







: i never tell people what to bring to party's just that they don't need to spend a lot cos they'll happy with anything. Chloe gets excited about preasents at birthdays and christmas and cameron is starting to get excited about it too. Caitlin is still a little young so doesn't really know anything about it.*


----------



## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMamma* 
Because it's not about the gift giver--it's about the receiver.


I respectfully disagree with this. A traditional gift-giving occasion can be a wonderful time to make a meaningful, giving gesture to a special person in your life. A gift given in love and received graciously is about both the giver and the receiver. But I really feel for you on the clutter issue. I like consumable gifts, too!! Gone but not forgotten I say









I also think that a child's birthday party is not "all about" the child. A party is for everyone! The birthday child is the guest of honor and along with the host (usually the mom!) they have a chance to really show how very special his or her friends and family are by treating them to an afternoon of fun.

ETA: I guess I just feel like, just as a gift should not be expected, it should also not be rejected, especially by cutting the giver off at the pass and stating a refusal of gifts right on the invitation. A rejection of generosity which may or may not be extended to the guest of honor seems like it could be interpreted many different ways. But its also hard to swim upstream against the consumer frenzy. Equating caring with dollars has just got to go, and my action against that pressure is to give mostly small gifts from my hands and heart or other non-storebought things. This IS a hot topic.







:


----------



## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Wow- I haven't read every post yet, but...

I had NO idea this was a controversial topic!

For DS's birthday, we put something along the lines of "We'd love your presence, don't worry about a present!".

Last time, I asked that in lieu of a gift, everyone bring a dish-to-pass. We're pretty broke and it was the fact that everyone helped a little with food that actually made it so we could afford a party (we had it at home, but we bought a few balloons and a cake and things). Everyone seemed to find it creative, easy and refreshing. I think that has to do with my friends, though. They understand... and to them, it was nice to see all the kids have such "healthy fun" (their words!) at a party. DS got presents anyway- my DH and I gave him something and close family and friends will as well. We know him, we want to invest the time and money, and just a few meaningful presents are enough. But a big "friend" birthday party doesn't need gifts, in my oppinion.

A few other "theme" ideas:

1.) Art party. You could find a polite and fun way to say that some play-doh, crayons, paper, etc. would be appreciated, then you could make the party an art party by using the gifts by spreading out big paper, easels, etc. and letting everyone create! You could even make a banner to keep by writing "Happy _ Birthday, ___!" and all the art goes underneath.

2.) Cooking party. Ask people to bring a snack to make. With a few kids, you can get them in the kitchen making them then eating them. I bet they'd have a great time!

5.) A pocket party. Suggest that all gifts be able to fit in a pocket- cuts down on clutter, allows for creativity and (most likely) will limit the amount people will spend.

4.) If you're worried about DC not getting presents like the other kids, you could save _your_ present for the party, then the only one that is opened is yours (which, out of all of them, is most likely to be the very thing he/she wants). I don't think anyone has a problem with the idea that parents would give a present, even when others have been politely asked to refrain, it would be the parents' present(s). You could even make it something that they could all play with at the party.

If you want a big party with lots of presents- hey! That's your choice. Personally, I honestly feel like the celebration was a gift in itself, and from previous experience, that the random gifts people brought were appreciated in their guesture, but ended up being clutter and a waste of their money.

If I really believed that everyone would bring a small, meaningful token of affection for a birthday party, then I wouldn't have an issue with presents. And I agree that it is not polite to give a list of gift requirements (and you wouldn't need to if people were sincere and thoughtful and the giver had confidence that their modest gift would be well received) but unfortunately, much of birthday gift giving is about running over to Target to see what is on-sale in the approproate age/sex isle.

And just an aside- there seems to be a dramatic decline in the quality of birthday parties. When I was a kid, a birthday party ment balloons, streamers, the sprinkler on in the back yard or maybe a clown or for something really special, a party at the roller-rink. You know, the playroom, the yard, the park, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, a pinata, or a sleepover. Homemade cake, parents milling around, a good game of tag or a swim in the pool. Today, they seem so "commercialized". Chuck-E-Cheese. Go to Walmart and pick a cartoon theme. Order a cake with a cartoon face on it from the grocery store. Sign up at the local "kids place" (whatever that is-a resteraunt, a store, a play-yard) and have them do everything- just you show up- no fuss no muss. Kids go home tanked up on oil and sugar and grimy after being in a "kids place" for 3 hours. I'm not saying every single place that hosts childrens' birthday parties is yucky, I'm just saying what happened to limbo in the back yard and some primary color crepe paper and mom's lopsided cake?


----------



## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rowdypea* 
I respectfully disagree with this. A traditional gift-giving occasion can be a wonderful time to make a meaningful, giving gesture to a special person in your life. A gift given in love and received graciously is about both the giver and the receiver. But I really feel for you on the clutter issue. I like consumable gifts, too!! Gone but not forgotten I say









I also think that a child's birthday party is not "all about" the child. A party is for everyone! The birthday child is the guest of honor and along with the host (usually the mom!) they have a chance to really show how very special his or her friends and family are by treating them to an afternoon of fun.


----------



## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

would it be rude to specificaly ask that give my ds a book for his birthday? or is that being too demmanding?


----------



## Godaime (Feb 1, 2006)

Quote:

would it be rude to specificaly ask that give my ds a book for his birthday? or is that being too demmanding?
I think thats fine. Its very general...like saying my kid is really interested in animals or babies. However I think asking for wooden toys only is a bit demanding.


----------



## Imvishta (Nov 6, 2006)

How did I get a Canadian flag on my post above? Just curious?


----------



## GuavaLava (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
Actually, the birthday parties we throw for dd are about as not-consumeristic as they come. We do not invite over hoards of 3 yos and since dd is not in any sort of school and will not be in the forseeable furture, we are not obligated to invite an entire class or anything. Her friends are our friends.....young and old. That comes to about 40 people that live in our area. We have a cookout in our backyard. I cook everything from scratch including veggie burgers and cake. We eat off of our real dishes and drink out of mason jars and even use cloth napkins. We play lawn games and cards. The kids really like frolicking in our raspberry bushes and eating their fill. There is sidewalk chalk, a baby pool, and sprinkler. The kids get to stay up WAY past thier bedtimes chasing each other around the yard until they collapse in a heap of blankets on my livingroom floor and the adults carry on with quiet conversation and cards. Dd loved her last one and stilll talks about it daily. She has no idea she is suppose to be disappointed about not getting a huge pile of stuff nor does she know it is rude to not contribute to the clutter in our house, global warming, landfill, and child labor.

And whoever said that ettiquette comes before social responsibiliy.....I completely disagree.

Now THAT is a birthday part I can envy!







: I wish we were stationary and lived closer to family so we could do something similar.


----------



## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Imvishta* 
Oh, and I do remember reading about a theme party Gwyneth Paltrow had for herself (not her children) where she asked everyone to bring their favorite childhood books (or maybe adult books, as well), and asked them to write in the book a bit about why it was their favorite and what it meant to them. I think a gift theme party sounds nice. I'm not sure how one would do this other than with something like books. Anyone have any other ideas?

On another thread, someone mentioned that all the partygoers could exchange wrapped books so that everyone takes one home! Problems solved. Hosts have extra wrapped books on hand.


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
Actually, the birthday parties we throw for dd are about as not-consumeristic as they come. We do not invite over hoards of 3 yos and since dd is not in any sort of school and will not be in the forseeable furture, we are not obligated to invite an entire class or anything. Her friends are our friends.....young and old. That comes to about 40 people that live in our area. We have a cookout in our backyard. I cook everything from scratch including veggie burgers and cake. We eat off of our real dishes and drink out of mason jars and even use cloth napkins. We play lawn games and cards. The kids really like frolicking in our raspberry bushes and eating their fill. There is sidewalk chalk, a baby pool, and sprinkler. The kids get to stay up WAY past thier bedtimes chasing each other around the yard until they collapse in a heap of blankets on my livingroom floor and the adults carry on with quiet conversation and cards. Dd loved her last one and stilll talks about it daily. She has no idea she is suppose to be disappointed about not getting a huge pile of stuff nor does she know it is rude to not contribute to the clutter in our house, global warming, landfill, and child labor.


I grew up having parties like this as did everyone I know (and they're great!). But I don't think that's the point really. That's just the old fashioned way to have a party and there are still lots of people who do it like you do. I've done it for years with my oldest two DS. Nowadays I think there are more companies offering party themes and easier things so parents don't have to do it themselves. I see nothing wrong with that really if the parent is willing to fork out the money to do it.







When it comes down to it all - it's all about personal choice.

In my little family we always have had parties with just family, only grandparents, uncles/aunts and cousins. This year my oldest is choosing to go to a movie with two of his best friends from school but I'll still have a cozy family party. If they want to bring gifts (which they always do) then they can. I'm not against that. My son actually wanted to have a family party just so he could see everyone. He loves get togethers here at home.







Neither of my DS have never once been greedy about gifts, even when they were as young as 2 or 3 years old. We've never put emphasis on that.


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:

Ok, this is a great thread! I have a question for all of you ladies.
I have a set of twin girls, who will be 5 in Feb. They go to different
schools for kindergarten, as they need to have their own space. We
would like to have a birthday party for them, but my hubby said that if we
invite anyone from their classes, we should invite the whole classroom.
Ok, I can see his point, and I have found a place that sports a full
kitchen and has (what we call) a "gerbil cage" - a big activity play area
that can hold up to 50 kids. Even if all the kids did say they could
come, there wouldn't be more than 40 kids total. I don't have a problem
with putting on the invites that we would like if two cans of food be
donated for a food pantry in lieu of presents. Is this kosher? Also,
do we invite the kids to "both" the kids party, or specify which child
the classmate is being invited to celebrate with? TIA!
Why not just invite only the children in their classes that are the same sex?? Just invite all the girls and not the boys. They are allowed to do that in the schools here. It's either the whole class they invite OR just the children of the same sex. That would cut back on guests significantly. Plus, a party like this can be very big and very stressful. You have no idea how many will actually show up and how many end up bringing a sibling that isn't invited or both parents that end up staying, etc. It can turn out to be very expensive - not to mention if you don't have enough food and party stuff to go around for everyone.


----------



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
They are allowed to do that in the schools here. It's either the whole class they invite OR just the children of the same sex.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean. What do you mean by they are allowed to that that in the schools? This is a child's birthday party at what I I thought was a non-school location. Did I miss something?

Namaste!


----------



## jdedmom (Jul 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean. What do you mean by they are allowed to that that in the schools? This is a child's birthday party at what I I thought was a non-school location. Did I miss something?

Namaste!

The reason for inviting the whole class is that no one gets left out when invites a passed out at school. At my youngest two childrens Montessori school this is avoided because we have a school directory with the children address. They don't allow passing out of invitations at school so we mail them. We still invited everyone from my sons class.


----------



## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
Why not just invite only the children in their classes that are the same sex?? Just invite all the girls and not the boys.









My son's friends are the _girls_ in his class...so I would never invite only the boys. But I also wuldn't invite just the girls because he already feels "different" about being the only boy in his group of friends and this would further illuminate that difference. I'm never in favor of an arbitrary division of children along gender lines.

In most schools, the policy is that _if invitations will be distributed on school grounds_ then each child in the class (or each child of a specified gender) need to be invited. But if you are having a private party at your home or other location, and if you send invitations to a select few _by mail_ I am uncertain as to how the school can influence who you invite.


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

would it be rude to specificaly ask that give my ds a book for his birthday? or is that being too demmanding?
I think you can sort of do an end run around the gifts thing by having "theme" parties. Book parties (books), garden parties (seeds, pots, dirt), dress up parties (costumy things), time capsule parties (pics of each child, a letter, some small thing to put in a time capsule), cooking parties (those jars that have all the dry ingredients for a recipe). art party (art supplies) etc. If there's a theme the it sort of follows that the gifts will go with the theme and if you do gift bags, the things in the bag are likely to be used up, not things that just sit around, get broken, and end up in the trash.

I'd never put "wooden toys only" or "books only" on an invitation but I would totally do a theme party and hint strongly that gifts that went with the theme would be appreciated.


----------



## sarathan (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I have to say, I like "no gifts please" better than "no plastic," which is inexcusably and horrifyingly rude IMO.

OMG, do people actually put that on an invitation (the part about plastic)?? I can't even imagine!!!


----------



## spiritmomma (Aug 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yooper*
And whoever said that ettiquette comes before social responsibiliy.....I completely disagree.

I have to agree with yooper here. Etiquette changes all the time. It is cultural and when cultures change (and they frequently do) so do the "rules" of etiquette.
Social responsibility, however, goes beyond our generation. Specifically it gets passed to our children. This is why it is SO important to set a good example for our kids and involving them in creating their future world.

I'd go as far as saying the Social Responsibility trumps common courtesey most of the time.


----------



## sabrosina (Jun 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuavaLava* 
I figure the only friends worth inviting are the ones who will understand our request of no gifts.









Agreed. The ones that are hell bent on buying cheap plastic crap from an exploitive corporation for their own satisfaction in complying with thier own social rules shouldn't even be on the guest list.


----------



## spiritmomma (Aug 29, 2005)

[QUOTE-sabrosina]Agreed. The ones that are hell bent on buying cheap plastic crap from an exploitive corporation for their own satisfaction in complying with thier own social rules shouldn't even be on the guest list.[/QUOTE]

Unless they are the child's grandparent/ great-grandparent and then, they should be invited, but warned that anything battery operated gets played with at _THEIR_ house, but won't stay in ours.


----------



## girlsmamma2 (Jul 12, 2005)

We put no gifts on our cards because we thought it was only considerate seeing how many parties the kids are getting invited to. This costs a lot of money, especially if you have mulitple kids. Actually, we only had a small party with 4 of dd's friends. The ones I'm offended at are the ones where they choose to invite the whole class AND expect gifts. I think that is too much. But I also try and respect each parent's different perspective. In our house, the emphasis isn't placed on the gifts because I think that takes on a life of it's own. Our emphasis is on how thoughtful it is of our friends to take time out of their days to come celebrate with us and make our kids or our day special. That, to me, is a gift in itself. Just like with Christmas, the gifts are a part of it but i try to get the shopping done early so the focus is on getting the tree and that tradition, wrapping gifts, decorating, making cookies with family, listening to music, enjoying the fun of decorations at the mall. The gifts will inevitably come, but i feel if you focus too much on that then you miss the whole point of the party...or a holiday. I'm thankful she's made friends who want to come. At ours they ended up giving her gifts anyways but they were small and great. And she appreciates everything. I think if she got 15 gifts at once she couldn't have time to comprehend all that and it would become meaningless. Our focus was on games, company, playing and CAKE!


----------



## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did?

Yes, I think it's ridiculous to suggest that not bringing gifts to a standard birthday party is a socially acceptable choice.


----------



## annamama (Sep 23, 2005)

We've asked family to avoid flashing, noisy toys for ds this Christmas because they seem to make him a bit, well, thoughtless (random button-pressing etc), but I'm really worried now that I might have offended them!


----------



## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I haven't seen the no-gifts invite - but what seems to be popular is a group gift. This doesn't go out on the invite, but one invitee- mom will e-mail others. I personally like it because that way there is no junky plastic toys - and dd gets something that she wants. I don't like the idea of opening toys at birthday parties anyway. I always had a hard time with it as a kid watching others open presents...

On the other hand, I think it's a good exercise for a child (of a certain age, of course) to help think of, and pick out a gift for another.

One little boy (3) picked out flowers for my daughter, it was the sweetest gift ever!!!!

I struggle with the issue, because my children already have so much (we're working on declutter/paring down) and the more they have, the less they play with... On the other hand, since they attend birthday parties, I don't want them to feel like they're the only ones who don't get gifts.

-H


----------



## marieandchris (Jun 6, 2005)

Like a poster above, we have a large community of like-minded parents. All of us insist on "no present" birthday parties, and we have cookouts or get togethers for all the kids (upwards of 40 or 50, including babies.) If everyone, every year, bought presents for every kid, our small houses would be jam-packed. AND it would be an incredible waste of money. Instead, we each buy our child one big toy for his/her birthday (my son got a bike for his 4th in June), and we all concentrate on having a good time, eating good food, and celebrating the life of the child in question with cards, home-made crafts, etc.

FWIW -- this is the same for the adults' birthday parties. I just had my 40th, and all the families got together and made me a quilt, each square stitched by a family with a word in its center that reminded them of me. It is a masterpiece, and a treasure, and something that money can't buy.

We consume too much in this culture, and we MUST change our habits even if those habits (buying children toys they don't need) bring us pleasure. Just MHO, but one that seems to be shared by many on this thread.

Marie


----------



## NaturalMamma (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marieandchris* 
Like a poster above, we have a large community of like-minded parents. All of us insist on "no present" birthday parties, and we have cookouts or get togethers for all the kids (upwards of 40 or 50, including babies.) If everyone, every year, bought presents for every kid, our small houses would be jam-packed. AND it would be an incredible waste of money...

...We consume too much in this culture, and we MUST change our habits even if those habits (buying children toys they don't need) bring us pleasure. Just MHO, but one that seems to be shared by many on this thread.

Marie

I agree with that and I hope to someday have a gathering for DD more like that. While I dream about having only like-minded (crunchy) moms as my friends,







: we have a variety of people in our life b/c of moving and different arenas we are involved in (and assorted neighborhood kids my DD has befriended). Therefore, there are many people who have vastly different values in toys and DD could easily end up with a Bratz doll which we don't approve of. So, rather than to be very specific about what to give or what not to give, the one time we threw a party for DD, we insisted people not bring gifts. One person did not respect our wishes and the gift was not fitting for DD. In addition, they insisted we open the gift right then and there which was very uncomfortable.







I know enough about psychology to know that was not at all about my DD, but rather about that mom--and it was outright selfish. It hardly meant a thing to DD, but it hurt me and embarrassed other moms.

My parents have sent plenty of inappropriate gifts and I've tolerated it from long-distance friends too. Once they realized that they run the risk of sending DD something she already has (it's happening more and more), they have started to ask me for suggestions. Since my parents live out of state, I am sensitive to their need to connect w/their grand-DD so I let it slide so they won't feel hurt.

When it comes to throwing a birthday party, I know for certain that DD only wants a party to share with friends. She is an only child and spending time with friends is really fun and meaningful to her. To burden us and her with gifts that she does not want or need actually prevents us from having a gathering of her friends to celebrate. We prefer to have a family celebration with gift-giving. Between our family, long-distance friends, DH and I, DD receives plenty of gifts. I can't imagine having a party w/friends every year and adding another 6 or so presents to the pile!







: Who has that kind of space in their home?


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean. What do you mean by they are allowed to that that in the schools? This is a child's birthday party at what I I thought was a non-school location. Did I miss something?

At my boys school, they are 8 and 11







IF they invite children while on school grounds (with invitations) then they have to invite either the WHOLE class or all the children of the same sex if they only want the same sex at the party. This is how a lot of the schools in our area are so no children feel left out.

Ofcourse all children have EVERY right to call each person and invite them on the phone or send them an invitation at their home and invite just one or two kids here and there. It IS a free country.







ofcourse that can be done!! That's not what I said at all. I'm not naive.

IMO inviting over 30+ kids to one party just seems extreme to me. It's just too hyped up IMO and seems like it's over-exaggerated. Keep it simple is best.


----------



## TwinMomWendy (Jul 13, 2006)

Do you ladies think it's kosher to write "No Bratz dolls please..." if you were totally against the flippin' things? My one daughter was invited to a classmates party, and the whole thing was themed for Bratz. Now, I don't agree witht the whole idea of those dolls, (not even for a 15 year old!!!!) We ended up picking out a Groovy Girl for her, and she ended up liking that more than all the other Bratz dolls she got that day!


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TwinMomWendy* 
Do you ladies think it's kosher to write "No Bratz dolls please..." if you were totally against the flippin' things? My one daughter was invited to a classmates party, and the whole thing was themed for Bratz. Now, I don't agree witht the whole idea of those dolls, (not even for a 15 year old!!!!) We ended up picking out a Groovy Girl for her, and she ended up liking that more than all the other Bratz dolls she got that day!

I'd probably list some activities she DOES enjoy that don't have anything to do with Bratz, so that you focus people toward things she likes, and (hopefully) no one will even think about Bratz when they're buying the gift.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMamma* 
While I dream about having only like-minded (crunchy) moms as my friends,







: we have a variety of people in our life b/c of moving and different arenas we are involved in (and assorted neighborhood kids my DD has befriended).

Do you really dream of having only like-minded people as friends?


----------

