# Up at 1 30 am with a police call. ugh.



## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

So my 14 yo had two friends stay the night. Basically they went out to the store down the road at 1am to get candy and stuff. They broke curfew law, went behind my back, and the police woke me up with a knock on the door.

I give my son lots of freedom. He hangs out with his friends in his den, the door is connected to the outside so god knows how many times he has been out late at night without me knowing, while I am tucked in bed asleep.

Punishment ideas? I need fair ideas please. Thanks!


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Is this the first time?

After being caught by the police, and brought home, do you really think they will do it again?

I am inclined to let it go. If that is not possible, I think no sleepovers for a set amount of time (say 1 month?) may work well. He had friends over, they snuck out, they broke curfew. Natural consequence - no sleepovers for a while.


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

I think being brought home by the police might be consequence enough. I can't say that I would do anything other than talk to them and say that as a safety issue, roaming around the neighborhood while you are sleeping is not a safe thing to do. I wouldn't be comfortable with my kids doing it. When my daughter did this with her friend who was roaming the streets and playing hide and seek in the neighborhood after midnight along with lying to me, I had her stop hanging around that friend. It was more the lying to my face that got me. I saw them running all around at one am playing hide and seek. I saw who was there and when I confronted the girl on the issue she said she wasn't there. Well I saw her with my own eyes doing it. You can't even talk about the safety issue when you are going to lie about it in the first place. So, that was more my issue in that situation. It is really important to me to have trust. To be able to go to sleep and not having to worry about my children at night.

I would appreciate the honesty of "hey, we were hungry and wanted a snack" more than anything. I would go out of my way to provide snacks for the friends so they would have no needs of a 1am snack run. There are a lot of coupons for candy right now in the paper and deals at CVS. I would make it a point prior to going to bed to check on the friends and say "now if you need a snack...we've got x,y, and z" Or here is the popcorn maker and the popcorn, there is iced tea in the fridge. Something like that.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Um wow. I am just imagining me being the parent who sent my kid for a sleepover to someone's house, and to find out that the kids were out at 1 a.m.

*HUGS*

I would definitely cancel all and any sleepovers in and outside the house until I can trust the kid again. If it takes a month, then a month it is. If it takes 3 months, then 3 months it is.


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

Also I would pause after I said "now boys...if you need a snack" and get this look that would let them know under no circumstances do they need to leave because they have everything they need right here. My kids would laugh when I said it. It could become a running joke...about snacks and how we have to make sure these boys have snacks.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

OK, first of all thanks for the ideas.
so because i dont have candy in my house it is acceptable for my son and his friends to do what they did? since when it is necessary to provide candy for snacks to prevent your teen from going out at 1am to buy it?

i have snacks in my house







retzels, popcorn, poptarts, cereal, bread, ham, crackers, potato chips, little debbie snacks, even darn candy itself is in my house.
i kinda feel defensive that i am the blame because i *dont have snacks in the house*. YES. I DO have snacks in my house, i have teens here all the time. I even baked cupcakes for them last night!
their main plause was they said they wanted coke to drink. i dont have coke in my house, sorry. we dont drink that stuff. we drink water here, or i have apple juice, orange juice, and even sweet tea made. thats enough imo to have around to drink.

i think i did have that no sleepovers for a while is suffice enough. the look on their faces was priceless enough for me. i had a nice chuckle about it, even with the parents of the children, who, thank god, were understanding. how embarrassing for me. my son has never been brought home by the police before, but he admitted to walking around the roads late at night. the safey issue is the main problem for me, we live in town and they also left my door unlocked while they went to the store, me and my 4yo were asleep, anyone could have walked in. we dont live in a score plus neighbourhood.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

also this is the first time that my son had a certain new friend stay over. this friend is older than my son(almost 16) and has some *issues*. HE is living with his gma right now as his mom is in prison for GTA. Poor kid. I dont know him that well. My son and the older friend gladly drink water, tea or whatever and never complain. That friend was complaining about no coke. Also when I woke up this morning(after about 4 hours sleep) the friend was gone.(it was 6 30) he is back now, he said he went skating early this morning. he told me his gma doesnt let him do anything so he has to do what he can do before he goes home.







He is a good kid, just having a rough time right now. But he is kinda more rebellious than my ds ever has been at this point.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I don't know about punishment, more a talking to about why roaming around in the middle of the night, with no one knowing where you are, is not a good idea.

The only reason the police brought them home was because they were out late? I've never lived somewhere with a curfew law. That seems strange. I can see why sneaking out at night can be not-so-smart, but I don't like the idea of it instantly bringing kids into contact with the police as 'law-breakers.' Although if all they got out of it was a ride home that made something of an impression, I suppose it's not too terrible.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Quote:

The only reason the police brought them home was because they were out late? I've never lived somewhere with a curfew law. That seems strange. I can see why sneaking out at night can be not-so-smart, but I don't like the idea of it instantly bringing kids into contact with the police as 'law-breakers.' Although if all they got out of it was a ride home that made something of an impression, I suppose it's not too terrible.
yea, i didnt even know there was a curfew law here...there used to not be. the police brought them home because, when he was stopping them and trying to talk to them, the two friends were ducking and running away from the officer. the officer than thought they were suspicious and decided to talk to me about that. he brought them home for safety reasons. he said he wasnt going to wake me up but decided he better because he wanted to make sure the two boys that ran were really staying the night with me, and not making up the story in case they had done something else wrong.i am glad he brought them home, though. he was very nice and kinda blew it off saying teens do this all the time, at least they arent throwing up from being drunk.


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## crunchymomofmany (May 24, 2007)

Hi!

I have a 16 year old son who went through this kind of thing - and let me just say - you will get advice from a lot of parents who don't yet have teens and they have no idea! DO what you believe is right in your gut. You know your kid (but right now probably feel like you don't). I listened to other people because I was unsure of myself and it made things worse with my son. Boys this age are beyond testing you. This is full blown, "I believe I am a man" kind of stuff. Take a stance and stick with it - or you might regret it later.

Hugs to you - and best of luck...


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

You know, if they weren't drinking or doing drugs or hurting anyone I would probably explain the consequences of being caught out after curfew and let it go. I hate laws that treat people like they are not free just because of their age. It's hardly an incentive to act like an adult.


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## lactivist (Jun 14, 2005)

What about asking him what his consequence should be? I do this with my kids and they always come up with something harsher than I would and then stick to it because they came up with it.

Wendi


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

If you baked them cupcakes and had that many snacks and they still had to go out for coke that sounds hinky to me.

Since when is it necessary to buy coke? Since now that the police brought them home since you didn't have any. I would keep coke around after a stunt like this....just for your ds and this friend if only to be able to offer this friend one when he came over. Talk about an addiction to caffiene!

Maybe this new friend has lots of issues and just loves to sneak out and do whatever he wants to do. I have this rating system with friends of my kids that is just between me and my children. 3 strikes you are out. This would definately rate as strike one in my book for this new friend. It is not my job to pity other peoples children or reform them at the expense of mine. I am very firm on this issue.

I am not blaming you for not having enough snacks...just saying that from now on you could have a lot of fun with the snack issue. I would give my ds a six pack of coka cola for christmas after a stunt like this. for sure. Even if he didn't get it...I would be busting a gut watching him open presents on christmas and here is this six pack of coca cola...would he even get the joke? It wouldn't matter, it would just be funny.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

AHA true story now fesses out..after friends leave. ds' friend(the new older one)wanted CIGGARETTES. SO he talked the other two(ds and friend(both 14) to go to the store for *coke*. instead he was trying to get someone at the store that was hanging around there to buy him cigs. yup. knew it was funky.

so anyway..i ended up with no sleepovers for a month.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Granted I don't have a kid that age, but I have to say that I don't agree with the idea that the OP needs to buy more soda, or snacks, or whatever, to "prevent" them sneaking out to get them! That's silly and IMHO rewarding bad behavior. it's not like they were sneaking out to find a bathroom because hers was broken, or sneaking out to get bread and milk because there was no food in the house.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
You know, if they weren't drinking or doing drugs or hurting anyone I would probably explain the consequences of being caught out after curfew and let it go. I hate laws that treat people like they are not free just because of their age. It's hardly an incentive to act like an adult.

I might be the odd one, but if my 15 y.o. is ever roaming the streets at 1 am, I will be only thankful if police will bring her safely home.


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

Just to let you know you're not alone...

3 years ago, I had a miserable cold and was unable to sleep, so in desperation I went to Wal-Mart to look for some medicine that might help me rest. This was about 2 AM. Imagine my surprise to find my 15 year old son and his friends there, just seeing the sights. They were all having a sleepover, and it turned out they got bored and decided to see if they could sneak out. They walked a distance of 5 miles, and took empty lots and people's backyards. UGH!!

I drove them all back to the house they were supposed to be sleeping over at, and called everyone's parents in the morning to let them know what happened. In addition to a long lecture about safety and the spot they put the host's family in, my son got a bad case of poison ivy. It was a while before they had a sleepover again, but they learned their lesson and did not repeat that stunt.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Wow, the cops called for a candy run. What a pathetic world we live in.


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

Yes but isn't it funny how when you fully explore the snack issue, the truth comes out. And the truth shall set us free.

Now three strikes for friend a. sneaking out b. attempting to purchase cigarrettes c. my son agreeing to sneak out to buy said cigarettes with friend would be unnerving d. lying about it saying you didn't have adequate snacks. Harump!!!! The nerve!

New friend would be on thin ice with me at this point.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Curfew law?? You have a real law for curfew?


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

My town does. It's 10pm on weekdays and 12am on Friday and Saturday nights for anyone under 18. Exceptions are coming home from work or a school activity, or being in the company of an adult (this makes no sense to me, as an adult is anyone over 18). That said, I don't think it's ever enforced, it's more of a threat.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Wow, the cops called for a candy run. What a pathetic world we live in.

word.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

But they weren't making a "candy run." They snuck out to get the older kid cigarettes.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Quote:

But they weren't making a "candy run." They snuck out to get the older kid cigarettes.
double word.

oh, and the cops werent *called*. the cop actually sits at the flash and kinda hangs out there some nights, drinking coffee and what not. when my son and his friends went up to the store, the cop walked over to talk to them. the two kids ran, and thats when the cop got more involved. he originally told me he was just going to talk to them about curfew law(10pm sun-thurs, 12am fri and sat nites) and drop them off. so he wasnt called. and acutally i am very grateful for the nice officer. it takes a village and all that.


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## G8P4 (Jan 21, 2007)

My daughter went off the rails in a big way this year. She's 15. The police were an amazing source of support. I used - and still do- the whole village. I think lots of kids sneak out for the thrill of sneaking out. The police tell me that this age group- 14 to 16- are often out at night making mischief.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I'd question the truth behind the 16yo sneaking out again to go skating because "his grandma doesn't let him do anything". I'd watch the relationship your son had with this older kid.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Well, I'm betting his mean old granny "doesn't let" him smoke cigs! Heh.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

Natural consequence: Being brought home by police.
Logical consequence: No sleepovers for a while.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

I'm sitting here, reading this, thinking of all the times I went to or had sleepovers and we snuck out of the house.
I don't remember getting caught.

I do remember getting busted one night for being out after curfew with a bunch of kids from church. We were out buying fresh KK doughnuts. The cop told us to get along home-after we got our KKs.

we have curfew laws here, too...midnight for anyone under 18. Sucks for my 16 y.o. ds....his friends are all 18 and can roam about all night long.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Sounds like you have it in hand Mama. Whatever you choose/chose to do I would be likely to say - good job!! I have a tendency to be lenient...but don't hold this stance for others. Being a parent is hard hard work.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I wouldn't punish at all. I'd be talking though.









I got busted for breaking curfew way back in 1988 lol. My friend and I were walking back from another friend's house just a couple blocks away at 1 or 2 am and we got stopped. I was 13 and my friend was almost 17. I just thought it was so so lame, and I still do.

My son often goes down to the convienence store down the road after curfew. He just turned 17. He looks older due to size and facial hair so he rarely turns any heads late unless he's out with someone who is/looks young. We have discussed that getting stopped for curfew violation is a real possibility, and what to do if that happens. (Tell the cop you live down the street, be honest but not apologetic, etc.) We know that we take a little risk in him being out later and it's one we accept I guess.

I'd just discuss the whole thing with him, and it sounds like you have a bit and will.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
But they weren't making a "candy run." They snuck out to get the older kid cigarettes.

Eh, whatever. Kids smoke sometimes. I don't want my kids to do it, but if they do they do. Some of their friends do. Stuff happens.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Eh, whatever. Kids smoke sometimes. I don't want my kids to do it, but if they do they do. Some of their friends do. Stuff happens.

UnschoolnMa, I usually follow your posts around on threads and go 'Oh hell yes!' and I really, really love your attitude and philosophy towards your family.

Having said that...









I really, really disagree with the above.

The curfew thing aside (which would not blow my mind at all) a cigarette/toboacco/nicotine addiction is a serious thing, and I would be moving heaven and earth to let my kids/teenagers know that it would not fly with me, and there would be consequences for sure.

Did I sneak around and smoke and drink as a teen - hell yes. Did my parents let me know how disgusting and gross and unhealthy it was - also yes.

My parents raised us really openly, and their dismay at my teenage smoking was enough to get me to not pick it up again.

Now, in my family - we all like to drink though.







Alcohol is not verboten around here; so maybe that makes me hypocritical. As does the fact that I don't have teenages yet! But it's just my $0.02 anyways.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nursemummy* 

The curfew thing aside (which would not blow my mind at all) a cigarette/toboacco/nicotine addiction is a serious thing, and I would be moving heaven and earth to let my kids/teenagers know that it would not fly with me, and there would be consequences for sure.

I'm totally with you on not being down with smoking. My mother smoked most of her life and died at 49 (for some other reasons too, but smoking surely did not help) and my husband smokes and I can't stand it. So, I've spent several years talking about why I dislike it, the risks, etc.

All of that being said, I know that I cannot make the decision for my kids. They have to make it for themselves. I can threaten, punish, and dole out consequences until I am blue in the face...but not only is that not the way I want to live or the relationship I want to have with my kids, it likely wouldn't work anyway. If they want to smoke badly enough they will find a way to make that happen. Just like I found a way to have sex even though my mom didn't want me to and grounded me for. We can't be with them always, and teens have to make decisions for themselves. I'm not always going to agree with the choices my kids make, and I refuse to pretend that I do. However, I don't want to wage a war or set up the "I punish and ban and you sneak and lie" dynamic in my family.

Good convo- thanks for your post!


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Well I recognize that it makes me unusually strict among some groups, but I tend to think it's a big deal when a child under my care deliberately breaks the law or uses harmful drugs, or is hanging around with people who are participating in that kind of behavior.

I'm also satisfied that the evidence supports warm, authoritative parenting styles far more than either authoritarian or permissive styles. Ironically, permissiveness and authoritarianism tend to result in similar troubles. I'm more concerned with parenting adequately than I am with being "cool" with the cool moms, though.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:

I can threaten, punish, and dole out consequences until I am blue in the face...but not only is that not the way I want to live or the relationship I want to have with my kids, it likely wouldn't work anyway.
This is all very true. So I suppose it would be the way you provided/presented the ideas/info involved, kwim? As in, 'Smoke and I _will_ have your neck' vs. treating them like a young adult, and working through it with them.

Quote:

I'm not always going to agree with the choices my kids make, and I refuse to pretend that I do.
I'm already experiencing this with my 5.5 year old. I'm assuming it doesn't get any easier?









Thanks for the thoughtful reply.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Perhaps this would be a good time to talk about how to deal with the police too.

It was stupid of them to run, and in some areas that can get you shot if you happen to be with people of the wrong color or look about them.

I'm not anti-cop...my friends and I used to play with the MPs (we'd go out in a pack after curfew, and when the MP drove by we'd scatter, which mean that they HAD to get out of the car and chase us because of base protocol, and most of the time they were just 18-21 year old kids at heart so they'd be laughing and let us go). I've got two very close friends who are civvie cops.

However, even they agree it's a VERY good idea to sit down with your teen kids to explain their rights, how to behave around police officers, basic police safety procedures, what happens if you ever get taken in (so that they're just scared, not totally disoriented, which makes them vulnerable, ect).

If the kids had known not to run, as the cop said, it's likely they wouldn't have been picked up in the first place. It's a very good thing that you live in an area where the wrong behavior isn't life threatening, but that's not the case everywhere. And really teens should know their rights and how to avoid danger in this day and age.

So really I'd think about having that talk on the side, and encouraging your son to share that info with his friends...to keep everyone, including the cops, safe emotionally and physically.


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## mommyinIL1976 (Jan 20, 2008)

My hubby is a cop and I had him read this thread. He was a little peeved at some of the responses here. He told me about a time when he brought an 11 yo girl home who he found wandering the streets at 2:00am. (We have a midnight curfew). The kid's mother called my husband every name in the book..."pig" fascist", etc. All DH did was lecture the girl about being out late...no tickets, court dates or anything. The lady called his supervisor the next day and complained on him. All DH was doing was trying to do was make sure an 11 yo wasn't going to get hurt.

It was the last time my husband has taken the initiative to enforce curfew. It's not worth the hassle to him. Some of the responses here seem to indicate that police officers should not be concerned about the welfare of children. When did cops become the enemy???


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I am just so happy to have been a teenager where there wasn't enforced curfew and in an earlier time when I really got to live. I wouldn't give any more punishments unless he broke a direct rule. I would explain how much trouble you could get in and tell him I hoped he'd understand and respect that. I wouldn't really care if my kid went to the store because their friend wanted cigs either.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyinIL1976* 
Some of the responses here seem to indicate that police officers should not be concerned about the welfare of children. When did cops become the enemy???










Hmmm, well, if he was offended at the suggestion that it's a good idea for people to teach their children the safest way to deal with the police...it's not because I feel that cops are 'the enemy'. I think that the vast majority of police officers do the best they can, and are ethical, and probably very careful around teens and kids in particular.

However.

As a parent, I can't take the risk that all cops are going to be like my friends or your hubby, when there most certainly ARE officers out there that use legal but (IMO) unethical interrogation practices, because they are very human and when they think they have 'the right person' they want to pressure them for information/confession. It's only natural. In addition, there are plenty of pseudo-LE contractors out there (though I've never heard of any of them working with juveniles, to be honest), who aren't even going to be as careful as the police when it comes to making sure that someone is adequately informed of their rights.

In addition, I think it's dangerous not to teach your kids to comply instantly and openly with any physical commands given to them by a police officer. We had a fairly recent police shooting in my area, where a police officer shot an unarmed teenager that he caught trespassing. At first glance, it's the big bad cop, right? Wrong. The teen was with a friend, who didn't get shot. Why? Because when the police officer told them to kneel on the ground and put their hands behind their head, the friend complied, the one who got shot refused to comply, noisily, and then *stuck his hand under the waistband of his pants*. I'm betting it was probably to make an obscene gesture, but the cop can't take that risk. So the boy in his ignorance made that poor cop shoot him. Luckily for both of them, the boy didn't die. I have seen that sort of thing *ruin* good police officers, when someone committed suicide by cop or did something stupid and ignorant and the officer had to make a terrible split second decision. On TV shows, arguably the most exposure to police that most kids are likely to get, the police tolerate a lot of mouthing off and dramatic gestures. In real life, if someone's got their gun out you had better do exactly as they say when they say it.

That has nothing to do with curfew violations, just using the example of why teaching your kids how to talk and act around the police is not being anti-cop. Most of the police officers I've had occasion to meet are lovely people, but they make mistakes just like everyone else. I think it protects *everyone* when citizens, including teens, know and understand their rights and know basic safety protocols.

Personally I wouldn't have thought much of it at all...but I learned a lot from spending time with police officers when I was a corrections officer, and it was one of my ex-cop friends that handed me a card for me to make and put in my kids' wallets/backpacks and who told me more details of what to teach the kiddos. I'm sure that pisses off some cops, but most of the people I know either gave it a thumbs up, or have added things to the list of stuff that kids should know and parents should know. I am pretty sure some folks who are police would see that as a challenge to their authority, though.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I don't leave the house without telling dsd where I'm going, and when I'll be back, and I would expect the same courtesy.

I'm very surprised that this many people see no problem with a young teen being out at night. I don't see it overprotective, and funny enough, DSD was telling her father the other day that she thinks she will have similar rules as he does when she has kids of her own. She was surprised that her bf had no problem with their hypothetical kid being out at 1 am. She did.









And yes, kids can make their own decisions, but 14 y.o. going out to buy cigarets in the middle of the night being "not a big deal"? Smoking at 14 "not a big deal, their choice"? I just don't get it.

And I never agree with "let them, because they'll do it anyway". I didn't "do it anyway" when I was a kid, I didn't smoke, I didn't have sex until I met the one, and I didn't leave the house in the middle of the night without my parents knowing.


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## anitaj71 (Mar 1, 2006)

My ds has just started to leave the house late at night. Maybe it's the summer I don't know but it's making me crazy. He will be 17 next month and, aside from sleeping in his bedroom making sure he doesn't go anywhere, I don't have a lot of control over his late night activities.

I made a deal with him that he always had to have his cel phone with him and answer it when I call so I know he is o.k./sober/safe. It's been working so far. Now, if only I could get some more sleep while he is out I'd be happier . . .


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Just another 2 cents. If I was in the OP's situation, I'd be very careful to relay the dangers of being out in the middle of the night and explain exactly why there are curfew laws.

I don't know if my city has a curfew law but here are just a few examples of what happened to kids in our city recently.

One young teen was walking home by himself around 9:30 p.m. He had attended a concert in a park with some friends and said good bye at a street corner and then continued on his way. He was about 3 blocks from his house and someone (yet to be discovered who) attacked him. It is believed the attacker was from a halfway house but I believe it has not been proven yet. There was only one witness.

The boy was left for dead. He was in a coma for a very long time and is now head injured and slowly slowly going through rehab and recovery.

Another young teen and a friend were out around 3 a.m. Not sure why. One was skateboarding and the other pulling his friend on skateboard? Anyway, a car load of scumbags stopped the car, robbed the one teen and managed to somehow catch the other teen in the wheels of their car and drag him for several blocks as they made an escape.

The teen is now in hospital, has been in an induced coma because he is so much pain. I'm not sure how he will recover but the teen has been in critical condition for a while now. He literally had his hip ripped out of his body by these guys.

Third example - I was a young impulsive teen once. I used to sneak out of my house to go visit my boyfriend. I can't believe now how lucky I was that someone didn't harm me as I roamed the neighbourhoods alone in the dark.

My dad eventually caught me sneaking into the house and his punishment was for me to go, with him, to my boyfriend's house and meet with the mother and the boyfriend to discuss why we were sneaking around in the night. The whole thing was mortifying especially since the mother of the boy blamed it all on me (he was the school Casanova so it was not just me).

My dad also explained to me why it was so dangerous to be out alone. Do you know - I still didn't "get it". I try to remember why I was so dense back then - I can't understand it. I just didn't fathom the dangers in some of my actions. I saw adults as uptight and my peers as the ones "who knew" what was okay and right.

If my son is brought home from the police, I would still keep an eye on his behaviour and activities. In my own case, I had issues with the police as a teen and still I continued to rebel despite being caught. It was not that I was trying to be terribly delinquent, it's just I just did not understand the severity of what I was doing and the possible effects of my behaviour. I wasn't a particularly "bad" kid, I just did not think through the consequences of my actions nor did I have very good impulse control. Not to mention, poor taste in boyfriends!

As an adult now, I certainly respect the reason by curfew laws and fully support any police officer trying to keep youth safe. There can be sinister activity going on in the heart of the night - I know - I have witnessed it!

I have an intense 5 year old and am already expecting our first police visit. Well, I exaggerate but I do think I would take the sneaking out at night seriously.

Only you know your child, but if anything at all, I'd be worried about their safety.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

OP - I should add - hugs to you - I used to run a group home and several times had 2 a.m. visits from the police after hours of wondering where one particular teen was. It was stressful and heartwrenching and it was not even my child! Good luck.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

This thread sure offers up some interesting insight and opinions; and also has a couple really thought-provoking subjects on it!

As for the "when did cops become the bad guys?" question; I second much of what Tigerchild has said. The majority of police officers are well-intended people; but you never know which one's are among the handful of corrupted people on the force. Some police officers have an agenda against certain types of people (be it men in general; or people of another race or specific race; or age group, etc). It must make it extra difficult on the cops who are truly sincere and don't 'power trip'.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
...one of my ex-cop friends that handed me a card for me to make and put in my kids' wallets/backpacks and who told me more details of what to teach the kiddos. ..


I'm interested to know more about this. What did you write on the card? What's the card for? What sorts of things did you teach your kids? Etc.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

I will come back to type more on here later, am very sick with strep at the moment. I love the replies.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Transitions* 
AHA true story now fesses out..after friends leave. ds' friend(the new older one)wanted CIGGARETTES. SO he talked the other two(ds and friend(both 14) to go to the store for *coke*. instead he was trying to get someone at the store that was hanging around there to buy him cigs. yup. knew it was funky.

so anyway..i ended up with no sleepovers for a month.

I think you are being very fair. I probably wouldn't have any sleepovers for a month and none with this boy for 3 months.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

One thing nobody has mentioned: In future, I'd avoid letting your son have two friends sleep over at the same time. Either have just one, or have a bigger group. Groups of 3 are very problematic for peer pressure; "two against one" tends to carry the dissenter along. In a bigger group, if one kid is uncomfortable with the way things are headed and dares to speak up, he's likely to find at least one ally.

I agree with Tigerchild about discussing appropriate police-related behavior. I've actually had two conversations about this in the past month with my THREE-year-old son! We watched _Hairspray_, and I explained that even if what a police officer is saying is wrong, you should not hit him, not only because hitting hurts but also because there are special rules against hitting police and you will get into a lot of trouble. Another day, my son overheard part of a conversation about this police shooting and asked about it, so I explained that when you meet the police you should be very polite and follow their instructions exactly so that they can help you and not hurt you. (In my own teenaged encounter with police when I was out after curfew, I found that the officer only wanted to ask if I was safe and if I needed a ride.)

Regarding the OP's situation, I agree that this is a breach of trust (so no sleepovers for a while and some serious discussion of rules when sleepovers resume) and that the cigarettes are cause for concern. I'd say the appropriate way to treat a friend who insists on going out for cigs is to let him go by himself and unlock the door for him when he gets back, and of course don't let him smoke in the house.

My parents used to let me go out late at night if:
I left a note in a designated location saying what time I left and what time I would be back, and I came back by that time;
I took my key and locked the house while I was out;
it was a weeknight after 2:30am (reduced odds of drunk drivers);
I did not go to anyone else's house or otherwise disturb their families.







It worked for us. I got a thrill out of walking in places where there would normally be traffic, and they got to practice trusting me.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
Um wow. I am just imagining me being the parent who sent my kid for a sleepover to someone's house, and to find out that the kids were out at 1 a.m.

*HUGS*

I would definitely cancel all and any sleepovers in and outside the house until I can trust the kid again. If it takes a month, then a month it is. If it takes 3 months, then 3 months it is.









ditto.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

so i dont have a child your ds's age.. but... i was that age not terriblylong ago (i just turned 21) first of all..as you have already discovered when a kid sneaks out late at night without telling their parents there is a darn good chance its not for something innocent like coke... also... sometimes two people who are otherwise responsible, safe teens bring out the worst in each other when they are together.... i doubt this will go over well here.. but speaking from expirience if you feel like you cant trust your kids friend.. or your kid when he is with this friend... then go with that.. big time and act one it. also.. what are the odds of getting caught by a cop the _very fitrst time_ you sneak out of the house? atleast one of them has probably done it before. i think your punishment is completely fair...and while your taling to him about not wandering around late at night i might add something about breaking trust... b/c your thought he was in the house with his friends.. and you need to be able to trust him.... and that his friends are in your care when they sleep over and their caregivers probably wont let them continue to come over if they feel they cant trust you .. kwim? sry so long.. i just know what an incredible effect one person can have on another.. and sometimes friends just dont bring out the best in each other.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyinIL1976* 
Some of the responses here seem to indicate that police officers should not be concerned about the welfare of children. When did cops become the enemy???

















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