# Help me explain my sisters divorce to my kids



## ljc (Oct 14, 2008)

My children are ages 4, 4, and 6. We are very close to my sister and her family. We live in the same town and their children are ages 4,5, and 6. The kids have all grown up together.
My sister and brother-in-law are in the early stages of what appears will be a messy divorce. My sister has been having a long term affair. The family (including my BIL) just found out.
At this time it is unclear how much contact if any I will have with my sister. It is very likely the kids will all still be in close contact. The two oldest attend school together.
Obviously I have many concerns. But, my first concern is how to explain to my children the split between their Aunt and Uncle. They have no prior experience with divorce. I want them to feel safe and not worry about my husband and I "breaking up". But I want them to be sensitive and understanding about their cousins new family situation.
Any advice?


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## KatWozBlue (Dec 21, 2009)

I think you have to keep it simple, explain that their aunt and uncle will not be living in the same house anymore and that sometimes that happens. That you still love them all and they are still an important part of your family. I think they are bound to worry about you and your husband and all you can do is reassure them that you and your husband are not breaking up and that they don't need to worry about it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KatWozBlue* 
I think they are bound to worry about you and your husband and all you can do is reassure them that you and your husband are not breaking up and that they don't need to worry about it.

I don't know that their minds will go there. For such a young child, it is a bit of a leap, esp. if your marriage is reasonably sound and you and your DH aren't yelling at each other in front of them. I wouldn't reassure them because if they hadn't already thought of you divorcing, it would introduce the idea.

I wouldn't say ANTHING to them until after their cousins know, and then I would keep is as simple as possible. "Uncle so and so has moved out of their house and into an apartment. He still loves cousins and will still see them all the time." I'd be open to questions, but I would let them unfold slowly.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Yeah, I agree with the first two responses. And also, your kids don't really need to know the reasons for the divorce. It'd be just awful if your sis and BIL don't tell their own kids about the affair -- and then they hear about it from yours.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I'd tell the truth, including the reason. They'd hear me talking about it anyway, and "they weren't getting along" isn't the reason, so it would be dishonest to say that it was (what kind of kids wouldn't even ask "why?," if you told them their aunt and her husband were getting divorced).

If I was concerned about them saying something in front of their cousins, well, I guess before we saw them, I'd make sure my sister and her ex knew that I was being honest with my kids. I'd suggest to my kids that their cousins might not want to talk about it, but I'm not lying to my children to protect someone else's dirty secret.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I would just tell them what's going on (I mean, the basics, not the infidelity or the messiness of the divorce). Kids can understand that just because two people get married it doesn't mean they will always be in love and want to remain together.

I might say to my kids that this is very hard on their cousins so it's best not to bring it up with them unless they want to talk about it.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Do they have any friends in divorced families? It might make it a little less scary if you could say "like _____'s family".


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## ljc (Oct 14, 2008)

Thank you for all the replies. I think I will keep it simple and follow their lead - answer questions as they come up. I don't think I need to explain the infidelity to them now - because they are so young. But as they get older and if they ask - I agree with being honest and not keeping secrets. Interestingly enough all of their friends have parents that are together. Thanks again for all of the replies.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I don't know that their minds will go there. For such a young child, it is a bit of a leap, esp. if your marriage is reasonably sound and you and your DH aren't yelling at each other in front of them. I wouldn't reassure them because if they hadn't already thought of you divorcing, it would introduce the idea.

I wouldn't say ANTHING to them until after their cousins know, and then I would keep is as simple as possible. "Uncle so and so has moved out of their house and into an apartment. He still loves cousins and will still see them all the time." I'd be open to questions, but I would let them unfold slowly.

I agree totally, my Grandma told me my cousins' parents were divorcing - I was 6? and told me to keep it a secret. Of course I told them and then KElly was totally distraught and I was in trouble.

It's better to keep it simple


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ljc* 
Interestingly enough all of their friends have parents that are together. Thanks again for all of the replies.

That most likely won't be true in a decade. Sadly, raising children and living life is very hard on marriages.









I believe in situations like this a "need to know" policy is best. It's not keeping secrets, it's just avoid destructive gossip. I don't gossip about other people infront of my kids, and I wouldn't burden a four year old with ugliness beyond their understanding. And I wouldn't tell my kids anything I would want annouced over the intercom at school. Affairs are often the result of, rather than the cause of, a marraige falling apart.

I would not want to be the one responsible for the information about your sister's mistake becoming public. It may or may not come out, but I wouldn't want that on my head.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
That most likely won't be true in a decade. Sadly, raising children and living life is very hard on marriages.









I believe in situations like this a "need to know" policy is best. It's not keeping secrets, it's just avoid destructive gossip. I don't gossip about other people infront of my kids, and I wouldn't burden a four year old with ugliness beyond their understanding. And I wouldn't tell my kids anything I would annouce over the intercom at school. Affairs are often the result of, rather than the cause of, a marraige falling apart.

I would not want to be the one responsible for the information about your sister's mistake becoming public. It may or may not come out, but I wouldn't want that on my head.

Yes this.

Also, marriage is a funny thing, and some people choose to stay married in these situations, for all kinds of reasons. So don't explain anything to your kids that hasn't actually happened yet.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

There is a book that I found very helpful when I was getting divorced. My DD was 4 but the book is actually aimed at slightly older kids, I think. It is called "Dinosaurs Divorce". It is mostly aimed at the kids of divorce, but I think it might work for you, also, as an ice breaker. I also think that a straightforward conversation, with simple facts, is your best bet. Because if they hear it from other family or overhear it from you they will be MORE likely to wonder about their own family. If you tell them and in the same breath tell them that the unfortunate situation in their cousins family isn't mysterious and it doesn't exist in your family. Obviously details about infidelity and such are not age appropriate and I would never discuss them with my child nor where she might overhear.

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divo.../dp/0316109967

The book is cheap. Maybe buy two and give one to your nieces/nephews.


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## ljc (Oct 14, 2008)

Thanks Mamas for all the advice. We still haven't talked with our kids. My sisters kids spent the night with us so that their parents could "talk things out". So we are still unsure of what and when things will happen. I agree that nothing should be said until after my nieces and nephews are told. Yesterday I got a feeling from my brother in law that he might try and work things out - I can't understand this, but to each his own.
I liked the notion of "need to know" vs keeping secrets. I don't think young children "need to know" the details of this situation.
Thanks again for the replies - I am taking it all in.


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## kmeyrick (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'd tell the truth, including the reason. They'd hear me talking about it anyway, and "they weren't getting along" isn't the reason, so it would be dishonest to say that it was (what kind of kids wouldn't even ask "why?," if you told them their aunt and her husband were getting divorced).

If I was concerned about them saying something in front of their cousins, well, I guess before we saw them, I'd make sure my sister and her ex knew that I was being honest with my kids. I'd suggest to my kids that their cousins might not want to talk about it, but I'm not lying to my children to protect someone else's dirty secret.









Why on earth would anyone tell preschoolers the "dirty secrets" of adults? Would they even know what an affair is? And why do they want to know the details at this point?

OP, I would tell your children that their aunt and uncle do not get along. That's the truth. Linda on the Move said it best I think.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'd tell the truth, including the reason. They'd hear me talking about it anyway, and "they weren't getting along" isn't the reason, so it would be dishonest to say that it was (what kind of kids wouldn't even ask "why?," if you told them their aunt and her husband were getting divorced).

I'm pretty sure that people who are "getting along" don't generally have affairs.

So it sounds perfectly honest to me.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
Why on earth would anyone tell preschoolers the "dirty secrets" of adults? Would they even know what an affair is? And why do they want to know the details at this point?

OP, I would tell your children that their aunt and uncle do not get along. That's the truth. Linda on the Move said it best I think.

Speaking for my own kids, yes, they know what "cheating" is in a relationship, and if I said, "Your uncle and his wife are getting divorced/not going to live together anymore/etc," they would immediately say "Why?"

The honest answer is, "Because your uncle had sex with another woman (or his wife had sex with another man, whatever)."

Lots of people go through periods of not getting along (which also sounds like a MUTUAL situation, which this isn't) . . . that's not the reason this couple is splitting up.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Most four and six-year-olds don't know a thing about sex.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
The honest answer is, "Because your uncle had sex with another woman (or his wife had sex with another man, whatever)." .

Little kids don't want or need to know the intimate details. And, honestly, I'm sure it _is_ more complex than the sex--so why spell out that one detail to the kids?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Polliwog* 
Most four and six-year-olds don't know a thing about sex.

True.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

ljc, I have to say, it sounds like you are being very judgmental of your sister and I would really encourage you to examine that. If her husband is willing to try to work on his marriage, why can't you look at that as a positive thing?


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## ljc (Oct 14, 2008)

kama'aina mama, Thanks for your input. Right or wrong two things are bothering me. The first is the length of the affair (7 years). During this time she brought 3 children into the situation. I understand that many marriages end in divorce, but I can't understand how she made the decision to involve three innocent children into this situation. I wish she got herself out of the marriage sooner and not built a family on lies. I am also having a hard time thinking that for 7 years she had this whole other life and that I had no idea - I thought that we were friends and sisters. How could I not know this?
I should be happy that her husband is willing to attend counseling sessions with her and try and get past this. I don't want to lose contact with my sister or her children. I think it's that I can be a bit of a realist/pessimist - and in my experience infidelity and the loss of trust can be impossible to repair. But, you are probably correct that I should try and be happy that they are willing to try and repair things.
Maybe it's because infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage - as would abuse. Just two things I could never tolerate. Sorry I don't mean to sound "preachy".


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ljc* 
kama'aina mama, Thanks for your input. Right or wrong two things are bothering me. The first is the length of the affair (7 years). During this time she brought 3 children into the situation. I understand that many marriages end in divorce, but I can't understand how she made the decision to involve three innocent children into this situation. I wish she got herself out of the marriage sooner and not built a family on lies. I am also having a hard time thinking that for 7 years she had this whole other life and that I had no idea - I thought that we were friends and sisters. How could I not know this?
I should be happy that her husband is willing to attend counseling sessions with her and try and get past this. I don't want to lose contact with my sister or her children. I think it's that I can be a bit of a realist/pessimist - and in my experience infidelity and the loss of trust can be impossible to repair. But, you are probably correct that I should try and be happy that they are willing to try and repair things.
Maybe it's because infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage - as would abuse. Just two things I could never tolerate. Sorry I don't mean to sound "preachy".

IF you're going to have contact with your nieces and nephews, I think it's not terribly realistic to not have contact with their mother. It doesn't sound like she's abused them or like anyone is suggesting she should cease to be involved in their lives.

Gently, truth can be awfully complicated, especially in relationships. I don't know you or your sister or anything about the situation. I just know that honesty can get awfully convoluted, especially when there's secrecy involved.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ljc* 
The first is the length of the affair (7 years). During this time she brought 3 children into the situation.

whatever happens to her marriage, I hope your sister spends some time therapy trying to sort out what is going has been going on in her head. This is VERY strange.

Quote:

I am also having a hard time thinking that for 7 years she had this whole other life and that I had no idea - I thought that we were friends and sisters. How could I not know this?
It really sounds like she broke trust with you, too. This has been going on for a long time and you two are close.

Quote:

Maybe it's because infidelity would be a deal breaker in my marriage - as would abuse. Just two things I could never tolerate. Sorry I don't mean to sound "preachy".
You don't know that until you are there. In his case, if he walks out the door he will never ever live with his children again. Would you walk out of your house and never live with your children again? Few of us would.

It's really not a question of what is right and what is wrong, it's that his entire life is over, and if he leaves he has nothing to live for.

He can't tolerate it. He will never be the same. His life is completely screwed up forever, whether or not he leaves. He'll never trust anyone again. He most likely will get paternity tests on his kids, who he loves. His life is screwed up and leaving will not fix it.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
You're aware that "not getting along" =/= "temporary squabble," yes? And why do children need to be dumped on with issues that are beyond them? I understand you believe that preschoolers should have equal access to information as adults.
However, how is it any of their damn business? Marital privacy and all that? Why would you advise anyone to _gossip_ about her sister to her children?

It sounds like the OP's BIL was blindsided by this, and "not getting along" sounds like the problems were mutual. Besides, if I know the real reason and I tell my kids something else, that's a lie. My kids haven't had trouble understanding infidelity when it's come up before -- it's not that hard to understand that when two people promise to only have sex with each other, and then one person breaks that promise, the relationship is likely going to (and absolutely SHOULD) end.

Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told _anyone_.

No one in my life expects me to lie to my kids or hide things from them . . . if you don't want the kids to know, don't tell me. Period.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told _anyone_.

They shouldn't have sought support from friends and family for this difficult thing they're going through? And they shouldn't be entitled to any level of discretion from those friends and family?

Honesty isn't meant to trump virtues like trust and confidence. And I would certainly make allowances for the pain my kids would be likely to (accidentally) cause with sensitive information, just because they don't personally have adult judgment about whether to repeat it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Who's gossiping? If the couple didn't want anyone to know because they felt it was private, they shouldn't have told _anyone_.

From the dictionary:


> gossip: n 1: a person who reveals personal or sensational facts 2: rumor or report of an intimate nature
> vb: to spread gossip


Revealing personal facts about another person *is* gossip.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 

The honest answer is, "Because your uncle had sex with another woman (or his wife had sex with another man, whatever)."


Um, an equally honest answer would be "Because they choose not to."

Your posts sound dangerously close to what I really _do_ consider to be gossip: further damaging an already vulnerable relationship by telling people (in this case, your children) who have absolutely no need to know about it.


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