# Is this where I belong? Infant loss



## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I've been an active member of MDC for years, and was a very active member of the October 2010 DDC.

I'm not sure if this is the place for me to post, or somewhere else, so mods, feel free to move if necessary.

I had a baby boy, Gavin Connor Barr on September 30, 2010. After a healthy and pretty uneventful pregnancy, Gavin was born with Lissencephaly (smooth brain) and was with us on this earth for only 10 short weeks before passing away in our arms. We could have kept him alive, but decided his quality of life was so terrible that we needed to let him pass away to have peace. He spent some time with us at home, but many weeks were spent at Children's Hospital.

I'd like to write out our entire story from birth - death as a healing process, but not sure if this is the correct place. Just looking for some support.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Mama... I'm so sorry for your loss of Gavin.







Your family is in my thoughts. I would love to read your and Gavin's story.







Gavin Connor Barr


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## Melly24 (Mar 30, 2008)

Holding you, your family and baby Gavin in my thoughts as you process your story








Gavin Connor Barr


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## Soul-O (Mar 14, 2004)

Oh Candace! I am so, so, sorry. I will keep you, Jeremy, Alex, and sweet little Gavin in my prayers.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))) Oh mama I remember you from the Oct ddc. I was there until I lost my baby @16wks but I still went back and checked on everyone at the end and remember you disappearing. I'm so sorry to hear that this is why.







This is absolutely the place for it mama. The majority of us have not lost babies after birth but there are (sadly) still plenty of mamas here who have. You will find the support and love you need








Gavin


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Sorry that you have found your way here mama. You are indeed in the right place. You can share Gavin's story here. I hope you have also been in touch with an IRL support facility.


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## blue butterfly (Nov 28, 2005)




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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I am so sorry for the death of your son. It's so unfair that any of us have to go through this. I'm sure you will be welcome here.

Please take good care of yourself. *hugs* if okay.

~Rose


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## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

I recognized your UN too and am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. Many hugs to you and your family.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.


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## corban's mum (Feb 9, 2010)

hello again Mama, WB (((hug)))

we're all thinking of you, I hope that the plant reminds you that little gavin touched many people's lives, honestly left a mark on my heart and he'll always be remembered and thought of, we spend our entire lives trying to make our mark and leave an impression on those around us, he managed this in just a few short weeks. I'm so sorry that it ended this way for him, but he'll be with you and all of us who think of him, forever xx


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## sunwillshine (Feb 18, 2009)

Hi Candace... just wanted to stop by this thread and offer my support and wishes for peace for you and your family. Little Gavin will always be remembered, and never forget the many people you have to lean on, should you need us. xo


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Gavin Connor Barr -- I will remember him. I hope that your journey ends in peace and happiness.

This is totally the right place for you to be. Here you will find no judgements and support. Many of us have lost babies -- at all stages. We are here to listen. (((HUGS)))


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thank you everyone, for the warm welcome. And thank you guys from my DDC ... Your plant sits behind me as I write this, and is such a sweet reminder that you all care so much about our family. The $ you so kindly donated went to help with his final expenses which we were not prepared for, of course.

I'm going to share our story in parts, I wrote the birth portion yesterday and will continue on as I can...

BIRTH

September 29, 2010

Around 3pm I started feeling some light contractions 10 mins apart. Went to dinner with my parents, came home and as we were laying down to bed noticed they were getting stronger and closer together. It was uncomfortable to lay down, so I sat in the living room, played a hypnobabies CD and rested my arms on the couch. The contractions were in my back, rotating around to the front and kept getting closer and closer together. I decided to call my Mom to come watch Alex, she arrived around 5:30am and we went to the hospital. Once I got there and they put the monitors on me, I could tell things were slowing down & the contractions were not as intense. They checked me and I was only 2cm, so I said I wanted to go home and labor more before being admitted.

Once home, the contractions started to really pick up - I let my doula know this was it and luckily she had an appointment with my obgyn that morning (she was pregnant as well!) and could meet me at the hospital after her appt.

Suddenly, during an intense contraction, I felt a huge gush - I went into the bathroom and freaked out at what I saw. Tons and tons of blood, and huge chunks of tissue, it looked like large chunks of liver were pouring out of me. I flipped out, thinking maybe I was having a placental abruption - my husband called the hospital and we rushed there as fast as we could. I just knew something wasn't right, even though they said it's normal to bleed esp if your cervix is dialiting fast. But I just knew something was wrong with those huge chunks and all the blood&#8230;

We got to the hospital and as soon as they hooked me up, we heard Gavin's heartbeat. I let out a sigh of relief, he was alive. But still, something in me just had this feeling something was wrong. I remember my husband and I laughing as I was hooked up in the intake room because I was having fast, intense contractions and the computer was flashing "admit patient now!!" haha They checked me and said I was already 5cm.
Once in a room, I tried to chill out and apply my hypnobabies techniques, but I was having INTENSE back labor and that just wasn't working. My wonderful doula showed up and I would lean on my husband rocking while she pushed hard on my lower back. After a while things kept getting intense, and hours went by, but I still wasn't feeling the urge to push. By about 2pm I was feeling pretty worn out and asked to be checked, I was around 7cm. Lots of intense contractions and a few more hours later and I was 9cm - I intensely labored at 9cm for a few more hours with no progress, and allowed them to break my water. Meconium.  But breaking the water gave me a little break from the intense back labor, and I felt if that would just let up I could go on much longer! A few more hours went by and I was starting to crack - the back labor had come back full force and I was still 9cm. I asked for an epidural, but they said my white blood cell count was too high, there was no way. They did give me some morphine, and I was able to rest a little in between contractions for an hour or so. We tried every position to labor in under the sun to try and get Gavin turned correctly, but nothing worked. Finally, around 9pm on September 30 the wonderful Dr. that had taken over for my hands-off OBGYN tried his hardest to move the lip of my cervix that was in the way while I pushed. I was so worn out, I don't think I pushed very well at all, and it didn't work. I agreed to have a c-section and at that point, honestly didn't care I was in so much pain, so exhausted and ready to have my baby already.

So they prep and wheel me into the cold, sterile c-section room and have to give me a spinal b/c of my white blood cell count. They do it all very quickly, and before I know it they are saying "You've got a baby boy" &#8230;. But I don't hear anything. No cries. Silence. Several minutes go by, and then I hear a weak little cry. They quickly show him to me and wisk him off to the NICU.

My husband went with Gavin to the NICU where he had an apnea episode and turned blue - they connected him to cpap, iv's &#8230; and upon closer inspection Gavin's head was looking pretty large. That's the reason I couldn't finish dialating - his head was very, very big in addition to his bad positioning. They order an ultrasound of his head, and hear a heart murmur so order u/s on that as well.

I want to immediately see Gavin, but they tell me to rest a few hours. So by 4am I got a nurse in there, asked her to take out my catheder and help me get up. She helped me sit on the side of the bed and I was a little dizzy so she said she would come back later. I was dying to go see Gavin, so I had my husband help me into the shower and got dressed. She came back and was shocked to see me ready to go! I told her I didn't feel that much pain and I wanted to see Gavin .. so they wheeled me in to see him, and my poor baby was hooked up to so many things, IV's, one out of his ambilical cord, cpap up his nose but when he heard my voice, he turned and listened.

That's when one of the neonatologists came in, and said he needed to talk to us. They had done the u/s of Gavin's head and found it to be very abnormal. He said they needed to transfer Gavin to a more advanced facility where they could figure out what was going on with him. Jeremy and I sat there in shock, held each other and cried. We watched an ambulance transport team come and pick Gavin up to take him to UAB hospital, which has a brand new, state of the art NICU.

I was less than 24 hours out from my c-section, but I had been walking around, pumping milk and the dr's were kind enough to agree to release me so I could go be with Gavin. I still find it hard to believe that I walked out of that hospital about 20 hours after my c-section - but I was determined to go with Gavin.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

mama... thank you for sharing your story. May your journey lead you to a peacefull place.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thanks for reading Mamas, that was just the beginning. I have not been able to write about the rest, that's where it gets tricky for me. But I will work on it, and post as I'm able to write about sweet Gavin's short little life.

I guess I should also mention that dh and I have a genetics appt March 22nd, I'm really hoping for closure at that appointment. The results from Gavin's autopsy will be back, along with all of the testing that was done on him in the hospital. During his 10 weeks of life Gavin and I were both tested for everything under the sun, and they could not figure out what happened. The dr's were all split on if it was genetic, or if I got some sort of rare infection that they could not test for. Hoping we can get some answers in a few weeks and know our chances of recurrance.

As I'm sure many of you understand, I feel a very strong need to have another baby. Not right this second, I want to heal. But the thought of NOT being able to have another is going to be very, very hard to process. I'm trying to prepare myself b/c one of the possible syndromes Gavin had is genetic with a 25% recurrance rate. Anyway, anxiously awaiting that appointment for more answers.

Hopefully I can write more about Gavins life in the next few days...


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## corban's mum (Feb 9, 2010)

you're doing brilliantly mama. thank you for sharing your story with us.


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## Melly24 (Mar 30, 2008)

Thank you for sharing your birth story. I loved the part where he heard your voice and looked at you









We're hear listening when you're ready with some more.


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## 2Peaches (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank you for sharing Gavin's story. Ready to hear more when you are ready to share it. Hang in there.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

I'm here listening to Gavin's story. Thank you for sharing.


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

Thinking of you and your family and sending my love. RIP sweet baby Gavin


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama. I'm so very sorry Gavin is no longer with you. So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and yours.







Thank you for sharing your story with us.









Gavin Connor Barr


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

I am so sorry that you and your family had to go thru this. I Hope that sharing this with us all helps you. I am praying that your appt for the genetic results goes well. Thanks for letting us in to Gavin's precious life story


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## Soul-O (Mar 14, 2004)

Thank you for sharing Gavin's story, Candace. I've been thinking of you all and praying for you everyday.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I know how hard it has been for you. I lost my daughter when she was about 3 weeks old, we had some time at home and then she was back in hospital. While in hospital there were convulsions and brain activity stopped so we also had to turn off life support. Walking out of the hospital that final time was hard. Unfortunatly I couldn't be there when it was turned off because we decided to do organ donation and save 2 otherchildren. I hope you're looking after yourself and this is the right place for you, we'll all look after you.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gavin!!

If you want, I know two other mothers who have lost their babies to this. I would be more than happy to get you in contact with them!!


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Mamato5 - I'm so sorry that you had to lose your little one as well. I so clearly remember walking out of Children's that last time .. with Gavin's stuff, but without him. My husband and I were so hurt, yet numb .. he had just died in our arms... and yes, I would love to get in contact with the people you know. This is so rare, it's hard to find people who have experienced it.

Ok, so onto the rest of my story - will not go into as much detail here to keep it simple - if I detailed every procedure and day that Gavin was alive, I would be writing for weeks.

UAB Hospital

So Gavin was transferred to UAB's NICU within 24 hours of his birth, and my c-section. He was breathing with the aid of c-pap and it was their job to figure out what was going on with his head, heart, and also an abnormal kidney ultrasound. We visited him that night in the NICU, met the Dr's and came back home late to get some rest. The next day we spent up there with Gavin, and just as we went home for the night, a dr called us and asked if we would like to come in and review some of the CT scans of Gavin's head.

No one said lissencephaly at first - in fact, I don't think someone actually said that word to me until his second hospital admission. But this first night, they told us something was very wrong with Gavin's brain, it was "a bit smoother" than it should be, with calcifications in the midline around one of his ventricles. They called this a neuro migrational disorder, said they could not tell us a prognosis - but that they guessed that I had caught an infection during my pregnancy that caused this. Gavin's retinas were also damaged, which can be a sign of infection. So Gavin was given a spinal tap to remove fluid and test for CMV, Toxo, and several other viruses that can cause this. All were negative. His heart murmor healed on it's own, kidney function was fine even though one was enlarged, and within a few days he was able to wean off the cpap and breath room air.

I was pumping milk for him, and after a few days, I was able to bottlefeed him my milk instead of him being fed with an ng tube. He was not a good eater - in fact, he would NOT eat for the nurses, but he ate like a champ for me. One evening Gavin had what appeared to be a seizure - he was given meds and an EEG was ordered. My poor baby - he was hooked up to the EEG for well over 48 hours - it was supposed to be only 24, but his EEG was so abnormal they kept him on it much longer. The electrodes got hot and burned his sensitive little skin on his head. It broke my heart - and after all that all they could tell me was that his brain was very chaotic and he was having frequent seizure activity.

But he was able to eat well for me, so after a total of nearly 2 weeks in the ICU, they allowed us to take Gavin home with lots of follow up. It was such a neat feeling to finally have our baby home with us, even if it was on lots of meds, and even if we were worried about his future.

The day after I brought him home - I started noticing odd activity. He would wake up and do this repetitive cry over and over and kind of bring his hands in and legs up over and over along with it. He would also do this odd staring off to the side thing, and it was obvious he couldn't control it. The peditrician said to watch it closely and contact neurology if it got worse .. well it didn't take long for it to get much worse, with the episodes lasting longer and longer - he would be so tired after one that he would sleep for hours, and he was not eating as much as he was supposed to. Forget trying to nurse, just getting him to take my milk in a bottle was a challenge.

So at a followup appointment, the Dr's suggested he be admitted back into the hospital - this time Children's Hospital NICU to try and figure out his seizures, get him eating better, etc. He was having near constant seizures anytime he was awake, they would make him so frustrated and he would scream and cry like he was being shocked over and over again.

I stayed with Gavin everytime the NICU was open. I was there holding him, watching over him. I would drop Alex off at school, go straight to the NICU, stay until pickup time (which was also when they closed for shift change) go back and meet my husband up there in the evening, then stay until shift change again at night. Repeat the next day. Gavin loved to be held and rocked by me. He loved hearing me talk to him, hold him. I loved that this sweet angel was at least comforted by his Mom .. and when I went home at night to sleep without him, I felt like a huge piece of me was missiing. All I could think about was getting back to him the next morning.

Gavin had another EEG that was hugely abnormal, an MRI that showed lissencephaly, retina damage - more tests, another spinal and still no clue what caused this. Most dr's still said infection, some were guessing something genetic, although most tests had come back negative. Tests were sent off to speciality labs across the country - some of which we are still waiting on to come back. Gavin's seizures were diagnosed as Infantile Spasms which is one of the most devastating types of seizures - treatment required a 12 week process of injecting him with a NASTY drug called ACTH, a very strong steriod and that still only had about a 50% chance of stopping them, yet had horrible side effects. Plus it was EXPENSIVE - nearly $30,000 a vile and his treatment would require 3 viles ... thank goodness our insurance covered the drug. Still, the seizures were so bad, it was worth the risk. They had him on 3 different seizure meds, plus the ACTH - I learned how to inject him and once he was eating well again, they sent us home.

Once home, it was hard. Gavin was having seizures almost anytime he was awake. His quality of life was terrible. The ACTH make him put on a ton of weight, made him feel terrible and our super sweet baby turned into a grumpy guy that fussed non-stop. If he wasn't fussing, he was having a seizure. They started getting really bad - he would have hour long episodes that broke my heart. I would rock him, hold him and cry - no parent should have to watch their baby suffer like that.

They got so bad, after being home for about 2 weeks, I had him admitted back into Children's to try and get the seizures under control. But within a day or two of being there, he started having great trouble breathing, then started putting on tons of fluid and everything went out of whack. They could not figure out what exactly was wrong with him - his thyroid was abnormal, he was not making billrubin like he should and he was not getting rid of fluid in his body. He puffed up to a huge size and no amount of lassix would take the fluid off of him. He was on full oxygen and they said he might have to be put on cpap or ventalation.

This is when my husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We looked at Gavin's quality of life - what it had been so far, and what the future held for him. And we made the difficult choice to NOT extend his life if it was his time to go. We brought in palliative care, and they helped us make Gavin comfortable with morphine and drugs to help him sleep so he would not be having constant seizures. His breathing was getting worse, and the dr's told us that is what would take him if we chose not to ventilate. They also said chances were if he went on a vent, he would not come back off. We chose to move to a room where we could be with him 24/7 - we moved into the private room on a Friday, and he died in our arms on Sunday morning. He was comfortable, and while my husband and I held him and cried, we told him it was ok to go. That he would be in heaven, whole, healthy and seizure free. We sobbed and held eachother while he watched Gavin take his last breaths. I can't describe the pain ... even though we knew we were doing the right thing for Gavin, for our own selfish reasons, it was so so hard.

So here I am. Gavin passed away December 19th, we buried him December 23rd, next to my grandparents. We still don't have answers about what happened. We have an appointment with genetics March 22nd where we should learn everything - all tests should be back along with the autopsy results.

I think overall I'm doing pretty good. Good days and bad days. I have not been able to touch his room yet. It's kinda creepy all set up, with all of his stuff in there, but I have not been able to let it go yet. Other than that, I've just been waiting for this genetics appointment for closure.

That's our story, If you read it all, thank you.


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## blue butterfly (Nov 28, 2005)

there are no words to describe how sorry i am that you and your family have to go through this. I think of you and gavin often, praying that you get answers to what caused this and that you are able to find some sort of peace with all this.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Oh, Honey, I am so sorry. It broke my heart reading all that. I cannot imagine.

I did email both the moms and am just waiting for responses.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thanks guys, for reading. While we were going through it, my husband and I both said it was like living a nightmare that just kept going on and on...

I hurt pretty badly and have days where I don't want to do anything. Thank goodness I have an 8 year old that needs me, from the beginning that has kept me going. He has had a hard time with this too - and we talk about Gavin often together. Let me see if I can link to a FB picture here .. it's a memorial that we made to hang in our home in Gavin's memory ... it's a very large picture frame, about 4 feet long and those are his foot and hand print from the last day he was alive. It was both painful and healing to create it, here is the picture:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=1145628754&aid=2014413#!/photo.php?fbid=1522315694927&set=a.1094808367511.2014413.1145628754&theater

We'll see if that works.


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## abiyhayil (Feb 8, 2008)

Your angel has touched our hearts. I am so sorry for your loss


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## Melly24 (Mar 30, 2008)

Oh, Candace. I'm so sorry. Thank for you for sharing Gavin's story. I'll never forget it, him or you.

The link to the pic doesn't work, unfortunately. I'd love to see it


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I lost my daughter in April '09, she was fifteen days old and born with a genetic condition which she could not survive. Reading about Gavin's birth reminds me so much of my daughter's. It was such a traumatic and shocking experience, learning of her condition on the day of her birth (via emergency c/s.) You have a long road ahead of you, one which I am all too familliar with... But this place helped me so much during those early months which I was unsure I would survive.

Peace and strength to you, mama.


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## breanna31 (Dec 31, 2009)

Candace, I think about you and Gavin often, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get some answers soon. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thank you everyone. I'll try to upload some pictures to photobucket later today, I know I can share them that way.

Alternamama - I'm so sorry for your loss. It's awful that anyone has to experience this, but I'm comforted just knowing there are people here that really do understand. Did you have to go through genetic testing before you had May?

I want another baby but am terrified about what we are going to find out at our genetics appt. Gavin was dh and my first biological child together - our 8 year old was adopted by dh, but has a different bio Dad. My heart tells me Gavin's condidion was genetic - esp because I had my first miscarriage just prior to getting pregnant with Gavin, and early in my pregnancy with Gavin, had to take progesterone to keep the pregnancy. So I just feel we may not be able to have children together and that is going to be very hard for me.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Here is the link to my photobucket album of Gavin - it takes you all the way through his short little life - it's pretty obvious to tell when he's in the hospital vs. home.

Warning - at the very end, there are a few pictures of him after he has passed away.

http://s942.photobucket.com/albums/ad264/mistymama2/Gavin%20Sep%2030%20to%20Dec%2019%202010/

Let me know if it works. Thank you for caring and wanting to see my sweet angel. It's amazing how many people want to pretend like he was never here - and I'm sure all of you understand, I have a strong need to talk about him, keep his memory alive. I love looking at this photo album - as many painful memories as it brings, it also brings me so much joy to see Gavin.

Thank you everyone for being here.


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## miso_soup (Mar 2, 2010)

mistymama - thanks so much for sharing your story. I remember you well from the October DDC, and I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You have been in my thoughts often over the last few months, and will continue to be.









I hope that your appointment on the 22nd helps shed some light on your situation, and gives you some answers.








Gavin


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## miso_soup (Mar 2, 2010)

Oh, mistymama - just saw your slideshow. Gavin is so beautiful and perfect. Thank you so much for sharing him with us.








Gavin


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## Melly24 (Mar 30, 2008)

He is so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing your album.


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## hotharmony (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry. He is beautiful.


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## amaayeh (Jan 26, 2008)

I am so very sorry for your loss. He was just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and him.








Gavin


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## breanna31 (Dec 31, 2009)

Gavin is so beautiful. He could not be more perfect! Thank you for sharing your album with us.


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## lizzie (Dec 5, 2001)

Such a sweet little love! I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your story with us.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

He is just precious. I am so sorry he isn't here with you.


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## 2Peaches (Aug 3, 2010)

I love the collage you made in honor of Gavin. Though I have never lost an infant as you have, I remember that feeling you described when people pretend that someone didn't die and that everything is fine. When I was child my mother died, and I felt like everyone was afraid to say the word "mom" around me. When I talked about her people seemed uncomfortable. Keep talking about Gavin, whether in the real world or in cyberworld. We are all here for you, listening.


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## Annemarie42 (Feb 22, 2010)

So beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story-- you and your family have been, and will continue to be, in my prayers.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Mistymama - I understand all too well the fear of finding out that your child's condition was hereditary. For us, our daughter's condition was called 'de novo,' meaning it happened without a reason. We met with a geneticist several times, both during the time she was in the hospital, and after she passed away as well. Although Freja's condition was considered random and not hereditary, we still do have a slightly higher chance of having another baby with the same condition compared to couples who have never had a child with it. But, it is much lower than a 25% chance.

Don't give up hope. There is something else called Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preimplantation_genetic_diagnosis I don't know how you feel about this, ethically, but I think it is a wonderful option for couples who are carriers of genetic disorders but want to have biological children together.

Lots of love to you!!


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Gavin is such a beautiful boy. I love the pictures of you and your family holding him and loving him. I know that he could feel the intense love you had for him.... My heart just breaks for your whole family....


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

Candace, I'm so so sorry. Gavin was beautiful and so precious. Thank you for sharing your story. I think about you and Gavin often.








RIP beautiful baby boy


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## corban's mum (Feb 9, 2010)

oh Candace. what a beautiful little boy, i promise his memory will be forever etched in my mind, those bright beautiful eyes and ooh those kissable lips. those pictures of him at home are especially beautiful to me, cherish those moments of family life together they looked wonderful. I see glowing in those photos that make me believe you had a true Angel and I wish so badly that he could have stayed on earth with us all. i wish that there was more i could do for you, more i could say. you're amazing xx


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thank you everyone. He was super cute, looked just like his Daddy.









Alternamama - I'd never heard of that procedure. Very interesting. I'm waiting for this genetics appt with so much anticipation ... I just want some answers about what happened to Gavin. I really don't think it was infection - I was so so so very healthy the entire pregnancy, never felt better in my life, ate so well, took good quality vitamins. I think it was either a sporadic deletion or hereditary - I'm of course praying for sporadic .. there are also several syndromes that are very rare to repeat again, so we will just have to wait and see.

My husband is really nervous about getting pregnant again - even if our chances of a repeat are very low. He says he will be a mess the whole pregnancy now. I guess we both just need time to work through all of this. It's so hard.

Thank you everyone for listening. Gavin was so loved, he was held and cuddled every single day, in the hospital or not. I know he felt our love. I still have nurses and dr's contacting me to tell me how much our family impacted them - how we made the unselfish choice to let Gavin have peace, and how much we loved him and were up there with him. I know his short little life was not in vain - he's taught me so much, is still teaching me .. and also made such an impression at Children's.


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## brokentail (Feb 22, 2010)

What a sweet beautiful baby, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Melly24 (Mar 30, 2008)

I really loved the photo's of his cute cloth bum, and being worn in the Ergo. I remember when you got the Ergo and you were so excited about it! I'm so glad you got to use it with him, I bet it was lovely for the both of you


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## tea_time (Oct 11, 2010)

What a beautiful boy! Thank you for sharing his story and life with us. I am sorry for your loss.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I watched Gavin's slideshow and what a gorgeous, wonderful, little guy! I really loved the bed picture where all three boys were in a row. And you had the close-up of Gavin too. He's gorgeous!

We will all remember with you.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Oh mama. Gavin is beautiful and precious. Even though his time here was brief, he was loved every moment of it. The world is a better place for having met him. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I'm thinking of you and your family tonight.


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## BirthIsAwesome (Nov 14, 2007)

what a sweet, precious, beautiful baby boy. <hugs> mama...I just don't know what to say that could ever ease your pain. He will always be remembered by me. You and your family are in my prayers. <3


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thank you everyone. It makes me so happy to share Gavin with you


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## Ashley_R (Jan 8, 2010)

Gavin is so beautiful. I can't begin to express how sorry I am for your loss. I hope sharing your story has helped with the healing.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I am crying reading your story of Gavin, no mama should have to experience the loss of a child. I love your collage. It is just perfect.


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## Syriani369 (Jan 28, 2011)

Beautiful little guy....Im so sorry.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Beautiful Gavin. I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet little boy. What a loved and cherished little guy.


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## NannyMcPhee (Nov 24, 2010)

I am so so sorry. What a beautiful wee boy.


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## Emma Bryan Fuller (Dec 17, 2007)

Thanks for sharing. I am sure that you, your husband and big brother are very proud of Gavin and his strength. He is beautiful hugs


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh mama he was so beautiful. It's hard to believe from some of those pictures that anything was wrong, he just looked so alert and so....... alive. I think it's really a whole different world for those of us that never see our babies alive; I can imagine your pain but I just don't think I can fully grasp it. I'm SO sorry that your beautiful boy is not in your arms, mama. Thank you for sharing his story and beautiful pictures.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Thank you so much everyone - I'm so happy I could share him with you.

Krista - thank you so much. I think it's one of those things that we can try to imagine what it's like, and to some degree we can, but unless you've lived it, it's hard to fully grasp the depth of the pain and loss.

I appreciate so much being able to come here and talk with you guys. In real life people are uncomfortable when I talk about him, about my pregnancy and his life. But I still do it - he's my child and will always be such a big part of our lives .. I can't imagine pretending the entire pregnancy and 10 weeks of his life didn't happen. That makes no sense to me. But it's nice to be able to talk here without judgement. Thank you.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I'm very sorry for your loss of Gavin


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## txmom4jc (Mar 18, 2010)

Candace,I wept as I watched the pictures of your precious gift go by. He was so beautiful. Thank you for allowing us to continue on the journey to healing with you. There is something special that ties us "October DDC " together and Gavin is just that. Praying for you and your family .


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## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

Mistymama, I remember reading about your sweet baby boy after he was born and for the first time in years, I actively prayed for you and for him to whoever was listening. Words don't seem enough but I am sorry. Very, very sorry. He was indeed a beautiful little person and I hope you can remember him with peace.


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