# Do you feel closer to one child than you do to another?



## seren (Jul 11, 2003)

Is this normal? I came across this question with another group of moms. Do you feel closer? DOes that mean you have a favorite? Do you feel guilty for feeling closer?


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

I feel closer to each a different times...

Two years ago when we were struggling with the mother of my ds's little son
( my grandson) I felt closer to my ds.

When my dd ( now 16) was working through the break up with her first boyfriend, I felt closer to her.

When my dd(now 12) was the only one left who still wanted to cuddle with mama on the sofa, I felt closer to her.

And the last few months, helping oldest dd plan her wedding, finding out she is pregnant, I felt closer to her.

I do not favor one over the other, each is unique and amazing in their own way. But I have felt closer to one at various times.

A friend once asked each of my kids who was my favorite, the each said they were but the didn't want their other sibs to know....


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Only in so far as my 5yo still loves hugs and snuggles, and kisses hello and goodbye, where my 11yo is all "Moooooom" if I try. So I'm definitely physically closer to dd2.


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

I felt guilty about the different bond I have with each of my sons for a long time. At first I thought I wasn't bonded with DS1 because of the c/s When he arrived I felt nothing for him, it was just Huh so that's my baby...okay. Can I have breakfast now? But then I got scared into a R c/s with DS2 When he arrived We were so connected I couldn't see him but I could feel where he was at all times. Then I thought well maybe it's because with DS1 I had an anterier placenta and could never feel him move, and from 28wks on he was stuck in one position and never moved from there. And with DS2 I felt him moving nearly constantly from 12wks onward. Or maybe it was because Ds2 was planned and dearly wanted, and DS1 wasn't so much planned as wanted









Then I came to the conclusion that it's all those things, but it doesnt' matter because I love them each dearly.


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## Sisyphus (Mar 26, 2003)

This is something I've been thinking A LOT about lately and I really liked reading the replies of moms with older kids. My ds's are 5 and 2 and I find ds1 SO MUCH easier to get along with for a variety of reasons. One is that he's highly verbal (always has been) so communication is just easier (also, obviously a function of him being older), another reason is that he's more like his dad... even keel, etc. where I'm sort of, um... not. DS2 is in a VERY difficult stage right now and add to the fact that he's VERY much like me... very volatile, impulsive, etc... I think I see the things in him that I don't like in myself and it's hard to see. DS2 is also no where near as verbal as DS1 was (even at this age) and he's much more physically active (i.e. climbing on the counters and jumping off...)

So, I feel guilty because DS2 is mentally exhausting for me... and DS1 is "easier" on some levels... I'm hoping that over time, this will change and that this is simply a function of age on some level... I hope that in time I will feel close and cuddly with my ds2 and I love him to pieces... he just pushes my buttons in a way ds1 didn't/doesn't.

Lo


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## anhaga (May 26, 2005)

Each child brings different gifts to our family. Each child sparks and shares different parts of my soul. With 4 children, I try to have unique moments with each child.

DD1 loves to go to the bookstore, and we get hot chocolate and talk about imaginary worlds.

DS1 loves to go shoot hoops, help walk the dogs, and cook.

DS2 still remembers when I played the "imagine the clouds are X" game. I started that when he was a toddler and had trouble settling down for nap or night sleeping. So we'd lie in bed and close our eyes and pretend we were lying outside on a beautiful day looking at clouds.

DD2 is still a toddler, but she helps remind us all of the indomitable spirit of pure discovery and persistence.

I think its beautiful and perfect to love them for what they bring to you. Once you love them for who they are, the competition ceases.

And I totally agree with the PP who mentioned that all the kids think they are mom's favorites. In our house we have a habit of saying "You're my favorite 10yo" or "You're my favorite oldest daughter."


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I love each of my children in different but equal ways. There are times I do feel closer to my middle DS, but I don't think it's an issue of love more than that we have more of the same interests.


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## Wolfmeis (Nov 16, 2004)

Yes. All of them. It varies day by day and hour by hour. Mine are all still very young, however, and very close in age.

We also say "you're my FAVORITE girl in the whole world," as we have one dd and are done making babies.

"You're my favorite blue eyed boy!" "You're my favorite little baby!"


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I only have one child, but I can say that my mom definitely feels closer to my sister than me. My sister is her first born and I think they just have stronger bond especially since my mom was a sahm with her when she was young and not with me. I go through phases where it bothers me a lot and sometimes I dont care, but I really dont think she can help it.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I adore both my babies, for different reasons I feel closer to each of them.


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## LoriG (Feb 27, 2003)

Aww Lisa, things will get better! I was actually that way with my dd also. My first baby I bonded with right away, but I got pregnant with my dd when I was 7 months postpartum.
It took me a while to bond with her, mostly because I had major ppd and was so overwhelmed.
Just wanted to encourage you .. as she gets older and her high needs settle down, and her personality emerges more, I am sure that you will feel differently!


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Yes, but in different ways at different times. My kids have very different peresonalities.

My 8yo is pig-headed, impulsive, high-energy, and very argumentative. Our relationship can be a struggle. She's very athletic, and we don't have much in common. On the other hand, she loves to snuggle and read with me in the evenings, she is very good-hearted and kind. From time to time she does things that just leave me breathless with how much I love her.

My 5yo is a much easier child. She and I have much more in common. She's lower key, is sweet and generally eager to please. In general, I feel closer to her, but I love them both with all my heart.


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## Gidget (Aug 31, 2002)

I feel different for each child at different times in our relationship. My youngest for example. He is hard to feel close to when he acts like a tyrant. I feel closer to dd lately since in a lot of ways she reminds me of myself at a young age. But there were times when I felt closer to ds2 or ds1. It varies. I do not favor one over the other. I love all of them with all my heart and soul. Funny though, the things I like least about my oldest are things I like least in myself. So, when he is acting in those ways, it is really hard to feel close to him since I try to avoid my own tendencies to act in the same way.


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## Whisper (Jul 12, 2002)

DD #1 and I are soulmates. She and I get along famously. This is not to say that we do not disagree, sometimes FAMOUSLY!







But we are sometimes so similar in thought and taste that it is scary.

DS and I get along well but on a different level. We talk about his worries and he makes me laugh and he can be very loving and considerate. He can also be completely self-centered.

DD #2 have had a hard time as of late. She is 15 and does not talk to me the way dd1 did/does. She is extremely moddy and she and her girlfriends are very touchy-feely which I was never. Still, we have our moments of getting along and understanding one another.

DD #4 is only four. Yet she reminds me in some ways of dd1. I am a bit more protective of her now because she is small.

All in all they each add something unique to my life and I treasure them beyond belief. When they all four are around me (three towering ABOVE me) I could weep because I think: Where did these people come from?! From ME?

WOW!


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## my2girlsmama (Oct 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seren*
Is this normal? I came across this question with another group of moms. Do you feel closer? DOes that mean you have a favorite? Do you feel guilty for feeling closer?


Not at all.

However, that said, I do feel the _difference_ in how I feel towards them.

My oldest, nearly 6, is very much like I was at her age, overly sensitive (according to society NOT our family), loner at times, very into imaginative play, wordy and reading all the time, very empathetic of others more so than her age should be at times..............so she is what I call my "_heartbreaker_". She will always find me feeling total empathy to her feelings because I so know what it was like and in many ways I am still that way. She will never feel she can't come to me no matter what and I always always underline to her that how she feels is the norm and wonderful.









My baby, 19 months old, is a powderkeg! She is fiery, demanding, full of zest and already has a huge vocab and knows exactly what she wants and refuses to budge unless she gets just that. She is already entirely like my type A personality







and we clash already! I affectionately call her my "_trouble_" . She will always need to be hugged and told to follow her ways no matter who fights her on that....she will need strength to forge ahead in this world if she continues to be loud and boisterous as mama is. At least I'll always know how she feels.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

If I did I would never let on.

My father's family was full of favoritism and it really hurts.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom*
If I did I would never let on.

My father's family was full of favoritism and it really hurts.









My dad's family is the same way.


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## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Great topic. It has been on my mind since DS#2 was born--well, conceived, actually!

I had an unpleasant pregnancy and bad labor/delivery with DS#1. Yet, the second he was born, and when I held him for the first time, I was overwhelmed with love-I knew him inside and out at that very moment. I can almost not even describe my feelings for him. We are also very much alike, which makes me understand him easier---yet we really have had some tense times. No one in the world has ever made me feel more joy or more . . . lord, I hate to say this, but . . . more anger than this child. He's kind of a strange bird-I am not really even sure that he loves me very much L, but I know that he needs me tremendously.

My DS#2 was a fantastic pregnancy, and a labor/delivery beyond my wildest dreams. He was the easiest baby in the world, and has been like a "textbook" child ever since-so easy. Still, I didn't bond with him for a long time. I felt so bad about it. Yes, I loved him, of course, but he didn't need me like DS#1 had, and I felt useless, I guess. He was so independent. The older he got, though, I saw his sweet little personality emerge, and oh man-I was sucked in. This kid adores me & now don't know what I would do without him in my life. He makes me laugh all day long.

So, one needs me but doesn't necessarily love me-and the other loves me, but doesn't necessarily need me.

In a nutshell, I also describe it this way: if my sons were my boyfriends, the older one is that one guy that is the grand passion of your life-yet somehow, you just don't ever seem to get the relationship right. DS#2 is the kind of guy that you love to kick back and have a beer with-best friends, but maybe not that same intense fire . . .


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