# What do you wish you had known before giving birth?



## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

It can be anything, major or minor.









For first-time moms, what questions do you have about giving birth?

For me, I wish I had known that I have choices in birthing. When I gave birth to my first baby, there were a number of things done to me during the labor and birth that I didn't like, but I didn't know I could say "no thanks" or that I should be asking questions.


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## cheeseRjedi (Jun 5, 2005)

I wish I would have known that squatting increases your pelvic opening by 30%.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I just bumped this thread









I wish I'd known that hospitals were _not_ a safe place for *me* to birth!


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## HerthElde (Sep 18, 2003)

I wish I would have know that "feeling a bit pushy" and being fully dilated does _not_ mean it's time to push! After #2, I realized that I started pushing too soon with #1, and that's why it took so long (and why my uterus got boggy). DON'T PUSH! Your body will do the work


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## meggles (Mar 9, 2004)

I wish I would've known just how many contractions it takes to fully dilate. I was in labor for 40 hours, so maybe I'm on the extreme end of normal, but they just kept coming and coming! I wasn't really prepared for the sheer number and intensity of them. In hindsight, I wish I'd take a hypnobirthing class.


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## Robinna (Aug 11, 2003)

OK I've got the giggles now because I just figured out who you are.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I wish I'd known that my baby had flipped breech, that the doctors would in fact do a c-section for that, even after I'd said "no"...and that there actually were midwives in my city, even though they weren't licensed...


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

That normal birth has NO place in a hospital.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I wish I would have known that going into labor is far more complex than just getting contractions. I wish I would have understood that alot of "information" out there about how "normal" labor progresses is based on "managed" births and does not adequately describe the progression of many truly natural labors.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

I wish I'd known that I should have a back up plan. When I got into trouble and got the epidural DF didn't know what to do! We hadn't discussed it because I wasn't going to get one. Medical interventions do have their place, and for me that place was after 36 hours of labour, 4cm dilated and with a baby in a strange position that was making me push and swelling my cervix shut. Expect the unexpected!


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## Patchfire (Dec 11, 2001)

I wish I had known to turn off the analytical portions of my brain, and to stop trying to analyze my labor while I was in the midst of it. I wish I had given more credence to letting my instincts take me through it. Once I did, with the second - oh, what a difference.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I wish that I had known to seek more support. DH is great but he really couldn't give me the kind of support that I needed then. My midwife was horrible and didn't show up at the hospital until after I gave into the pain for an epidural. I wish that I had hired a doula and birthed at home.







:


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I wish I had known that it would take more than 2-3 weeks to get my body back. It came back great . . . by 6-7 mos pp. It was kind of scary and disheartening and depressing at the beginning. If I'd just realized it wasn't going to be permanent, I would have felt better.

I wish I had really listened to myself earlier in the pregnancy when the doctor we were seeing sent up red flags/alarm bells. I was so desperate for my homebirth that I was willing to disregard those alarms . . . but I really needed to listen and find a different HCP sooner. Trying to switch at 37+wks (and going into labor at 38 wks) is not an easy thing.

I wish I had known that you could do everything "right" and be unafraid and still have an extremely painful/difficult/complicated birth.

I wish I had really understood that basic logic/lore/knowledge of childbirth is just that - general knowledge. That common assumptions can always be trumped in birth by mother nature's quirks. That nothing is guaranteed (for me, this most particularly referred to "everyone having an uninhibited birth will have a pushing urge if she just waits long enough" and "even if you never have a pushing urge, your body will just push the baby out on its own"). I have a greater and deeper respect for birth now that I really understand, through experience, that what is *usually* or *almost always* true in birth will not necessarily be so for me.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Patchfire* 
I wish I had known to turn off the analytical portions of my brain, and to stop trying to analyze my labor while I was in the midst of it. I wish I had given more credence to letting my instincts take me through it. Once I did, with the second - oh, what a difference.

Sound advice!


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## hanno (Oct 4, 2006)

That's it's okay for a placenta to take a long time coming out and not to let the midwife scare you into forcing it out. I now have prolapse








I looked up just about everything else and just assumed the placenta would just come right out in 20 minutes.


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## pampered_mom (Mar 27, 2006)

I wish I would have know that getting to the part where you actually "get to give birth" was not as easy as one might expect...that being able to go into labor isn't something that one gets to do automatically and that there are providers who would rather you didn't for one reason or another.

That there are choices and that you don't have to take your care providers word for it (and probably shouldn't just take their word for it). That you really should double check what they're telling you and even possibly consider getting a second opinion.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
That normal birth has NO place in a hospital.

Yeah, it may sound a little snooty or whatever but I've realized just how true this is. I really thought that I could have the birth that I wanted in a hospital with a midwife and that if I told them what I did/didn't want they would listen.

I work in L&D and newborn now and see how much happens that the patient doesn't know about, isn't informed about, isn't included in the care. A thousand little things that add up to a VERY unnatural birth process for mom and baby.

I had dd in a hospital and went into working in L&D with a very open mind, but there is no way I would choose to birth in a hospital again. It's great when it is truly necessary, but apart from necessity it isn't a good place for mom and baby.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

That even if you go into labor naturally and everything is progressing as it should, if u are in a hospital they will try to get you on pitocin at some point (probably purely for their own convenience), then you will most likely need an epidural and so much for your natural birth. Like stated in a pp normal birth has no place in a hospital.


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

This may seem small and petty compared to some of the other things in this thread... but here goes anyway. The bleeding is not that bad. I was dreading all of the pp bleeding. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. This time around I will use mama cloth instead of disposable items, but even with nasty Always pads, it wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought it would be.


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## LaffNowCryLater (May 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheeseRjedi* 
I wish I would have known that squatting increases your pelvic opening by 30%.

wow really!!?? I will def. keep that in mind in a few months!


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## g&a (Dec 15, 2004)

I wish I had known that everyone thinks "My birth with the ob in the hospital will be different" because I am low risk, believe in natural birth, etc.. Hire a midwife. Do not go to the hospital unless you have a medical reason to be there.

I wish I had known that there were midwives in my city who would catch a breech baby. We had the c-section because we were told that there was no choice.

I wish I had someone to stick up for DH and I in the hospital. A doula or midwife, maybe. I wish someone had found DH a cot to sleep on, and I wish I had never been left alone in the hospital.

I wish I knew that just because birth is normal and everything ususlly works out just fine doesn't mean that your doctor will think so.

I wish I knew what to tell first-time moms to help them keep their power.

g.


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## Robinna (Aug 11, 2003)

I just realized I didn't actually answer the question.

The main thing that I wish I had known is that you get exactly the birth that your caregiver believes you should have. Having a midwife is not necessarily an opt-out; it's not automatic protection against c/s for breech, twins, or vbac. If your trusted caregiver is scared, you will end up scared, and you will end up doing what s/he suggests, because it's very hard to have more faith in a piece of paper representing research than it is to have faith in your trusted, beloved MW who is looking you in the face saying, "it's your choice, but..." Having a MW is not enough; you need a MW who has the same priorities as you do or else you end up having HER birth - not your own.


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

That I had choices, that I could refuse certain things and insist on others, and

that birthing felt like a huge bowel movement that was going to explode out my butt, not my vagina.


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## JanetF (Oct 31, 2004)

It just speaks volumes, doesn't it, that so many of us don't know that we can say NO. How sad









I wish I'd known that regardless of the model of care, women must always be consumers and put their own needs and experience ahead of everyone else's when decisions are made. I'd be minus a scar if I'd known that.


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## babymonster (Oct 1, 2007)

I REALLY wish I had taken the advice to REST! I was so annoyed by my stalling labour that I didn't rest at all, and boy did I pay for it







:


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## boadhagh (Sep 19, 2007)

I wish that I had seriously considered/learned more about c-section. Everything about my pregnancy and birth preparation "assured" me that I'd be able to have a normal, vaginal birth. So, when my c-section became imminent, I was totally lost.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

I wish I had known to keep my fingers out of my vagina as I was pushing in transition. I got a nasty labial tear...still have it 3 + months after birth. Ouch!


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spero* 

that birthing felt like a huge bowel movement that was going to explode out my butt, not my vagina.









That is SO TRUE! I felt like I was trying to push out 30 lbs of hardened concrete!! Much different than I expected!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JanetF* 
It just speaks volumes, doesn't it, that so many of us don't know that we can say NO. How sad









I wish I'd known that regardless of the model of care, women must always be consumers and put their own needs and experience ahead of everyone else's when decisions are made. I'd be minus a scar if I'd known that.

Yes, yes, yes.


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## Nora'sMama (Apr 8, 2005)

I wish I had known that I was going to have to work a lot harder to have things the way I wanted them *after* the birth (while still in the hospital) than *during*. My care providers were remarkably hands-off and completely respectful of my birth plan during labor and delivery. After that, though, it was all "her temp is down, we HAVE to take her and warm her up" and "we are just going to take her for ONE MINUTE to weigh her" and crazy confusing breastfeeding info when I asked for help...that was really awful. The birth did not go how I planned but I felt empowered by it and in control. Afterwards I felt totally out of control and I regret the way things happened (not saying "NO, YOU WILL WEIGH HER LATER, GO AWAY" or "I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TAKE HER TO BE WARMED", etc.) - even though these were very small things in comparison to what many people go through, they still bother me a little.


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## mother culture (Oct 19, 2004)

That your birth is intensly emotional and the need to birth uninterrupted is more important than I thought when it comes to letting go and opening up.


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

: and more







: on this topic!

my main question is...

how do you make is go "smooth" do you take control or do you let it ride? (does that make sense)


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

I wish I'd known that OP position is a pretty common cause of c-sections if they don't turn. For some reason all I heard was "OP babies make a harder, longer, more painful labor, but doable" I wish I'd known how important positioning is!!


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## ~pi (May 4, 2005)

I wish I had known that it's just not worth it to be nice. The nurses and doctors won't remember you in two weeks, but you will always live with your child's birth.

I wish I had known how not to let the doom and gloom of a "high-risk" pregnancy affect my decision-making.

I wish I had known what real, informed consent looks like.

I wish I had known to insist on the doctor staying on the phone when I had more questions.

I wish I had known that when I heard the words coming out of my mouth, "I know it's the smart thing to do in my medical situation, but I just don't feel right about an induction yet," that that was worth listening to.

I wish I had known that no matter how smart, prepared and empowered you feel walking in, once you are in a hospital you are on their turf and it's really hard to maintain a sense of autonomy.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I wish I had known that it would really hurt. That it wouldn't feel powerful or like "rushes" or like pain with a purpose. That it would hurt, and I would still live.

I wish that I had known that having people see my guts (aka a c-section) wasn't the end of the world. That the recovery wasn't all that bad, and that everything could still be wonderful, even with recovering from surgery.

And, I wish that I had realized that my mom doesn't do all that well with sickness. That just because it was me and my childbirth wouldn't change that.


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

I wish I had known to listen to my body and that if I gave birth before my midwife showed up it would be ok.

Instead I spent the better part of an hour terrified, crying and panting to try to keep from pushing the baby out "too soon".


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## mchalehm (Feb 5, 2007)

That the people who say you won't care who sees you with no pants on are wrong. I cared. I was very embarrassed the whole time because I was in a room full of nurses I didn't know, and I hated every minute being so exposed. I suppose I would not have minded as much with a midwife I knew, but I still would not have liked it. I do not like for anyone besides my husband to see me naked and labor did not change that fact at all.


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

I wish I had known just how managed my pushing stage was going to be with a midwife present. It totally sucked. The rest of labor went great. Pushing sucked.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

I wish that I'd known it would hurt so much I'd wish I were dead, no matter how excellent my mindset and coping skills were.


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## queenjulie (Oct 26, 2007)

I wanted to add some unrelated stuff--bring your nursing pillow and lanolin! And your own shampoo and conditioner. Don't buy any special clothes or worry about what you're going to wear during the actual birth; hospital gowns are soft and have huge nursing openings, and you may just decide to get naked; lots of women do.

And if you get a nurse you don't like (and are uncomfortable telling him or her to get the hell out of your room), have your husband or whoever is with you go to the nursing desk and find another one--a crappy nurse can really make you feel bad about your labor, and a good nurse can help make things so much easier for you.


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## lotus.blossom (Mar 1, 2005)

I wish I had known that my midwife wouldn't show up to my birth till it was too late.......

I wish I had told someone that my baby was posterior.

I wish I had been at home instead of a birth center.

I wish I could do it over again.

I wish that I had read up on c/s instead of being overly confident that I would NEVER have to have one!


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Robinna* 
I just realized I didn't actually answer the question.

The main thing that I wish I had known is that you get exactly the birth that your caregiver believes you should have. Having a midwife is not necessarily an opt-out; it's not automatic protection against c/s for breech, twins, or vbac. If your trusted caregiver is scared, you will end up scared, and you will end up doing what s/he suggests, because it's very hard to have more faith in a piece of paper representing research than it is to have faith in your trusted, beloved MW who is looking you in the face saying, "it's your choice, but..." Having a MW is not enough; you need a MW who has the same priorities as you do or else you end up having HER birth - not your own.

Wow. I've never heard that said so perfectly! ITA!!!!


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## isaberg (Oct 2, 2002)

I wish I had known that even getting the "perfect" birth I wanted, with a midwife, no drugs, and a lovely, supportive little hospital, I could end up so physically exhausted, with strained muscles and a bad tear, that I couldn't lift my own baby for days, that I only wanted them to take her away so I could sleep. I wish I hadn't listened to all that overblown fantasy about "the perfect birth." 

I wish, when I sent my husband home to sleep, that I'd asked someone else to come stay for that lonely, painful first night at the hospital.

I wish that at the time I had had a friend, any friend, who knew her way around babies - my mother didn't remember anything, and I was the first of my group to reproduce.

I wish that I had set up a meeting for the lactation consultant for the MINUTE my milk came in. It would have made things so much easier, less painful, and my daughter would not have spent the first week going hungry.


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## Beppie (Oct 24, 2005)

I wish I had known that tearing is better than an episiotomy, and then I might have said "NO!" when the midwife said she was going to cut me!

I'm expecting baby #2 next month, a homebirth with a different midwife who does not cut. Even though it's better than an episiotomy, I'm still hoping I don't tear.


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tammyswanson* 
That is SO TRUE! I felt like I was trying to push out 30 lbs of hardened concrete!! Much different than I expected!

















And as an addendum to that ... I wish I'd known that, for several days post birth, I would feel like someone in steel-toed boots had kicked me repeatedly in the butt.


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## Robinna (Aug 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spero* 







And as an addendum to that ... I wish I'd known that, for several days post birth, I would feel like someone in steel-toed boots had kicked me repeatedly in the butt.









LOL I totally forgot about that part - yeah, my bum was freakin' sore.







:


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## ebonysista (Mar 5, 2007)

I wish I had specifically told the ultrasound technician NOT TO REVEAL MY BABY'S GENDER TO ANYONE, NOT EVEN THE MIDWIFE! after she had completed the biophysical profile

I wish I had known that my midwife was going to BLURT OUT THE SEX 5 min. before I even started pushing the baby out. I waited 9 whole months to be surprised.










I wish I had known that she would (purposefully) break my bag of waters and say "oops" afterwards, even though I said NO! seconds before she did it.


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## jlmack45 (Jun 18, 2007)

I wish I had never had the epidural. I had planned a med-free birth and I caved, I asked for ALL of the details before I got the epidural and thought I had them. I would have never agreed to something that required a catheter(sp). After 3 tries the epidural still didn't work, but that didn't stop them from shoving a catheter in me. I wish I had known that they would put a catheter, fetal monitor, and contraction monitor thingy inside of me. Do they realize how annoying it feels when after every push those cords that had started to come out, suck themselves back up there? Really makes you feel like you are making progress!! I wish I had known that my milk was ok, my daughter was getting enough, and my hospital would push bottle feeding. If I hadn't worried about her and listened to him, we would still be bfing. It is kindof sad that the stitches healed long before my uretha(sp) bruising...


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## njbeachgirl (Oct 8, 2006)

I wish I would have known not to do it in a hospital!!!!

Also I wish I would have gone to the hospital later with #1. I thought I was further along than I was. This time we are planning a homebirth though. Yay!!!


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## JustKiya (Feb 5, 2007)

:


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## frogautumn (May 24, 2007)

I wish I stayed out of the hospital. Although I had a fabulous, respectful OB, an amazing nurse present at the birth, and a surprisingly progressive hospital, once that intervention snowball started rolling, the birth I wanted became totally lost.


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## sunnymw (Feb 28, 2007)

I wish I had known that I didn't have to go to the hospital when my water broke. As it was, we waited about 8 hours, and then DH was getting paranoid. Wish I'd stayed home until CTX started... or just UC'd!


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

I wish I had known that it can take a LONG time and still be NORMAL! That just because you have been in labor for over 24 hours, doesn't mean that something is wrong.

I wish I had known how much it would mean to me to have someone "official" give me reassurance. I picked up on my midwife's concern a lot, and if I had had another experienced woman there to reassure me that things were going fine it would have helped me relax a lot more (my midwife's assistant would have been perfect, but I didn't ask her for comfort because I didn't realize how much it would have meant to me until afterwards). My dh and best friend were there to reassure, but neither of them had given birth before...


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## erin_brycesmom (Nov 5, 2005)

For my first birth - I wish I had known that homebirth existed.

For my second birth - I wish I had known more about nuchal cords.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

I wish I had known that, despite what I was told, even if you don't have an iota of fear, it will still hurt like









And I **really** wish I had known that there's absolutely no reason to test an asymptomatic newborn's blood sugar just because they're big. I knew I was going to have a big baby, but I didn't come across ANY references to this 'routine' procedure in any of my research about birth and babies beforehand.







:


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

I wish I had known that I didn't HAVE to give birth in a hospital and that I do, in fact, know what is best for me and that I'm not just crazy.


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## ebony_vbac (Jul 14, 2006)

well the first time i never gave birth had a cs, and i cant really say i wish i knew anything beforehand. i knew they were going to pressure me to go agianst my wishes, i jsut wish i was stronger to say no

the second time i wish i knew it was going to hurt for me. i though everyone else was wusses and birth really didnt hurt since i got to 6cm with no pain and i've heard of women asking for epidurals at 1cm now i know every one is different but i dont get any pain till 7cm luckily!


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## daileyjoy (Aug 10, 2004)

:
This is great, thanks guys. More Please


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## Nan'sMom (May 23, 2005)

I wish I'd been more aware that midwives tend to get more hands-on than they will admit during birthing and that, despite what some midwives encourage, it is essential to have a birth plan at a midwife-assisted birth.


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## meganmarie (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:

I wish I had known that I was going to have to work a lot harder to have things the way I wanted them *after* the birth (while still in the hospital) than *during*. My care providers were remarkably hands-off and completely respectful of my birth plan during labor and delivery. After that, though, it was all "her temp is down, we HAVE to take her and warm her up" and "we are just going to take her for ONE MINUTE to weigh her" and crazy confusing breastfeeding info when I asked for help...that was really awful. The birth did not go how I planned but I felt empowered by it and in control. Afterwards I felt totally out of control and I regret the way things happened (not saying "NO, YOU WILL WEIGH HER LATER, GO AWAY" or "I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TAKE HER TO BE WARMED", etc.) - even though these were very small things in comparison to what many people go through, they still bother me a little.








:


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

:


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nummies* 
I wish that I had known to seek more support. DH is great but he really couldn't give me the kind of support that I needed then. My midwife was horrible and didn't show up at the hospital until after I gave into the pain for an epidural. I wish that I had hired a doula and birthed at home.







:









Mama, I'm so sorry!









As for me, I wish I would have exercised more during pregnancy. Being in better physical shape may have made my loooooooong labor more bearable.

ETA: I wish I would have known about MDC, especially this forum!


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## UrbanCrunchyMama (Aug 7, 2007)

I wish I had known that labor and birth are far more manageable than I imagined. I was waiting for it to get REALLY bad, and it never did.

I wish I had had enough faith and trust in my body to birth at home (instead of a hospital), so our daughter could have entered this world more gently.

Next time...


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## njbeachgirl (Oct 8, 2006)

Well, I guess in the back of my mind I knew about these things. But I wish when I was laboring and not progressing past 1 cm (water was broken though), that my MWs had suggested going home for a while, nipple stimulation, herbs, castor oil, or other methods other than pitocin or cervadil. IMO those things should only be a last resort. Luckily the birth turned out fine but it was not the all natural experience I had hoped for. Someone bringing up those things could have helped me- I was very exhausted after days of prodromal labor and willing to listen to whatever they told me.

Also I wish like the pp that I had the faith in my body to birth #1 at home.... i'm going for it this time too


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## JesseMomme (Apr 6, 2002)

I wish I had known that there was other birth options besides hospitals and "do what we say".

That there are nurses out there who stick their hand up in you and then have the nerve to be _rude_ afterwards just because you're excited about having your first baby. That wasn't in the "What to Expect" book!









That typical non-evidence based practices in hospitals can do more harm than good.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I wish I had known that contractions with pitocin are not natural, and that they are exactly the situation calling for an epidural.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

I wish I had known about homebirth.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

I wish I had known about postpartum bleeding. We were broke at the time baby came, and I didn't own any panties (not because of money, just cause I don't like them) or pads. So I couldn't go out and buy them. I had to ask a few different nurses for pads and those mesh panties to take home with me. And when those ran out I had to ask my sister to buy some for me. I wish I had been prepared.

I wish I had known that that awful lab tech was going to stick her finger in my day old baby's mouth so I could have kept her out of my room altogether.


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## bvnms (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Magali* 
I wish I had known that that awful lab tech was going to stick her finger in my day old baby's mouth so I could have kept her out of my room altogether.

Ewww...why did she do that?


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