# did you do a death ritual/ceremony/funeral?



## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i had a still born daughter 3 weeks ago.

i am home at my parents house trying to real/readjust/be alone...

i live in a big city and had a very awful, public, invasive post birth exp with this baby. (ambulance ride with neighbors watching...ER with mean nurses and angry drs, homicide med detective, social worker, funeral home cremation staff, etc)

so i kind of fled and have had to almost back track and be super private....i have not wanated to be around anyone or have anyone look at me with what another mother her described as "pity eyes" or look at me think that i am some fat frumpy sad woman who does not take care of herself (i know very shallow, but still it hurts me)

anyway i have not wanted to see anyone yet...
up till now

now i am ready for some support and pity and ritual...
i grew up in a small town inside a pretty tight community (with a lot of woman to woman bonding and closeness)

but i don't know how or where

i am a very spiritual person and birth, death, and motherhood are major subject of holy reverence. i could not put a name on my "religion" except to say that i am pretty eclectic....

however my inlaws are super conservative christians and my community is more pagan....

i do have a church near by that is where my family has had funerals for generations...

oh and another "detail" is we had the baby cremated (to make transportation across 6 states easier)

and my dh and i already had a private burial with him and i.

anyway, that is just some of my details and thoughts.

i do not anything weird or fake or overly dramatic, however, i am ready for some people to come to me and say they are sorry and they love me.

how did you other mommas deal with this?


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I have no answers for you, except to say I am sorry. I know how you feel. My daughter was stillborn 3 days ago (October 12, 2006).

I also had a horrible experience, but it doesn't sound as bad as your with staff and stuff. Mine was just a horrible hideous birth experience that has left my body so sore and aching on top of the ache in my heart, mind and spirit.

For me, I am making a positive or two out of my daughters loss. First, I am going to pump my milk for a while and make a donation to either a milk bank or some private individual who needs it for their precious child. I am also going to try to see if there is anything that can be done to prevent something like this from happening to others.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

We had a full on funeral for my son. We did not post anything in a newspaper but I did put the word out to a few people as to when it would be, word got out that way and many friends came, which I am grateful for.

If you feel like doing something to honor your daughter and want some sort of ritual then do it, but do something that you are most comfortable with. Have a memorial for her. I know its easier said than done, but try not to concern yourself w/ what others will want and how they will want to do it. She was your daughter and you knew her better than anyone.

Quote:

i do not anything weird or fake or overly dramatic, however, i am ready for some people to come to me and say they are sorry and they love me.
Please do not think that anything you would want to do for her would be any of those things. She is a real person, she is your child.

I have very strong feelings towards this as my own mother would have rather not had a funeral for my son... or I should say she wanted VERY few people there, she did not want to tell anyone about it, just immediate family. As she put it "it was too awful" or tragic or some other silly word. But I felt very strongly that my child should be buried surrounded by my people which were his people also... even though they never got to meet him. As it turned out, after everyone who wanted to shoveled some dirt on his grave, a few of my very old dear friends stayed and finished it. They did not want strangers burying my boy, so they did what they knew I was unable to do myself but wanted someone to do with love, not some stranger who got paid for it. If I would have listened to my mother, they would not have been there to do that and that would have been very tragic as their hearts ached for him also.

Sorry about my rambling. I guess I am just trying to say go with your heart. Nothing will be too big or too small. what ever you do will be just right.

hugs to you. It is so hard. Especially when you have to deal with horrible people on top of it all.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

I have not lost a baby except very early in pregnancy, but you have been in my thoughts as we are local to each other and I home birthed my children also.

I would say that if my friend's child died, and she planned a service (or more than one), I would value that opportunity to attend, from the perspective of someone who would want to show love to the family. As we love our friends, so we welcome their newborn children into our hearts unconditionally. Unconditionally certainly includes whether we had a chance to meet them or not.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

We had a graveside memorial service both times.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

We had a private 45 min. viewing for our family (we didn't attend...I was too weak) and then had a graveside service. The fire dept. chaplin did the service and we played lots of music.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Ryland had an immediate-family-only viewing, a Catholic funeral in a church and then a graveside prayer & internment service...it was 3 days after his death.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rn* 
I have very strong feelings towards this as my own mother would have rather not had a funeral for my son... or I should say she wanted VERY few people there, she did not want to tell anyone about it, just immediate family. As she put it "it was too awful" or tragic or some other silly word. But I felt very strongly that my child should be buried surrounded by my people which were his people also... even though they never got to meet him. As it turned out, after everyone who wanted to shoveled some dirt on his grave, a few of my very old dear friends stayed and finished it. They did not want strangers burying my boy, so they did what they knew I was unable to do myself but wanted someone to do with love, not some stranger who got paid for it. If I would have listened to my mother, they would not have been there to do that and that would have been very tragic as their hearts ached for him also.

Sorry about my rambling. I guess I am just trying to say go with your heart. Nothing will be too big or too small. what ever you do will be just right.

hugs to you. It is so hard. Especially when you have to deal with horrible people on top of it all.

Oh wow! This just brought tears to my eyes. What AMAZING friends! I mean, I have amazing friends too, and that is just... wow!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
I have not lost a baby except very early in pregnancy, but you have been in my thoughts as we are local to each other and I home birthed my children also.

I would say that if my friend's child died, and she planned a service (or more than one), I would value that opportunity to attend, from the perspective of someone who would want to show love to the family. As we love our friends, so we welcome their newborn children into our hearts unconditionally. Unconditionally certainly includes whether we had a chance to meet them or not.

YES! This is so true. My closest friends seemed to be exactly this way when Liam died. They looked at his pictures, cried with me, hugged me, and said really sweet stuff like "I don't know what to say"
"He was so beautiful"
"We love you guys so much"
You know, not trying to be profound







, just being THERE with us.


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## angela dawn (Sep 25, 2006)

My daughter was stillborn in January at 39 weeks. We were in absolute shock and disbelief as you can imagine. My Fiance and I knew that we wanted something special for her, but were not sure what to do or who to turn too. We ended up having her creamated and held a honoring ceremony for her. A special friend of ours came to our aide and brought in elders and a spiritual healer to attend the service from his Nation. Both Fiance and I are First Nations from Canada and are very spiritual people.

The honoring ceremony was so beautiful, we had people from the First Nations community come in and sing songs from both our cultures, I am Cree and John is Mohawk. There was drumming and singing going on in the hall, it was full of positive energey. I was very touched that so many of our friends attended the ceremony and said beautiful things about us, many stood up and talked about how they thought we would be good parents and that they knew how bad we wanted Maddy in our lives. John and I got up and talked about our dreams for Madeline, I read out loud a letter that I wrote to her, it was soo hard to do through my tears, but I got through it. We had everyone sign her baby book and I had put some of her baby clothes and Pictures of her out in the front foyer so as people came in they could look at her little moccasins and blankets and stuffed animals. After the ceremony John and I both felt that we honored our little girl and gave her the respect she deserved. It was honestly the most traditional ceremony I have ever attended in my life, and it was exactly what John and I wanted. If our friend didn't help us by connecting us to his elders, it may have not turned out the way it did. He has since become such a special friend to us as well as all the people who attended the service. Its amazing how you find out who is really a friend when tragedy hits.

Anyhow, that was our experiance.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

We had a full funeral service that was attended by our whole church, our coworkers, and a few former members in addition to our families (including my mom and MIL who both came for her birth when I was induced). We had been active there for several years, and I think everyone needed a way to say goodbye. They had been through the whole high risk pg with me, and everyone was quite affected. We also had a gravesite service a few days later out of state that was attended by us, most of dh's family (local to that area) as well as my Mom and her soon to be dh. At her funeral we hade several songs, some prayers, a message, and DH read Psalm 139, followed by a meal. At her burial, we had a longtime family friend speak, and some prayers. We chose not to do a viewing, although we had originally had planned a family one immediately before the funeral, because our mothers, after dressing her and preparing her for me (I just could not do it), asked us not to as her body had deteriorated quickly and they wanted us to remember her when we first saw her. My Mom arranged the flowers at the funeral, tons of pink and white flowers, and we placed a teddy bear that ds picked out (he came up with it on his own that she _needed_ one) on her table with the tiny white eyelet lace coffin.

I hope you find something that brings you comfort. For me, the standard was: what would I have done if she had live 30 years? 10 years? 1 year? 1 minute? Then that is what I will do. It was important to me to aknowledge her a a full and real prson, even if not many got to meet her.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

our daughter was born on a monday. her death was a shock to say the least, and we asked our family to stay away. my partner and i needed to be together, alone. we put off an autopsy until it would be too late, and then made plans to hold her one more time, that friday. it was good friday, before easter. it had to be at the funeral home, and we thought we would just be aside in a little room or something. the funeral home had the entire hall set up for us, with her coffin surrounded by beautiful flower arrangements that my family had somehow figured out where we were and had then sent. when we walked in there, i realized it was a wake. a wake for my own daughter. it really broke my heart. but, it was so wonderful and the best day of my life, second to her birth day- that may sound strange, but i got to hold her and talk to her for 6 hours. it was just her, me and her father. we sat with her, held her hand, walked around with her, felt her physical presence on the outside of my body for the first and only time. after we left, we took 3 roses and went to a special spot at the ocean, where we threw them in and watched them float awaw. this was where we went after we left the hospital without her after her birth. we now call it 'her rock'.
she died in the winter, the ground was still frozen, so she was interned until may when we had a graveside ceremony with family. so many friends and nurses and our cnm and our coworkers showed up- that made me so happy, and, again, it just broke my heart knowing that this was my daughter's funeral. we asked a minister from a nearby church to say something, to read the poems my mom wrote and that we chose, to read a letter i wrote to her, and to just 'officiate'. she asked everyone to leave after she said a final goodbye, so that my partner and i could be alone to see her buried. we stayed there for a long time. then we went to her rock again, and added more roses to the ocean.
the whole thing was horrible, a nightmare!! nothing bad happened, but having to say goodbye to your baby is just aweful, or it was for me, anyway. it helped alot to have chosen a special place that we could go to remember her- her rock. it helped to see her headstone placed a few weeks later. i go there every day now. when i held her that last time, i told her i would ALWAYS talk to her, always think of her, always keep her in my heart. when i go to her grave, i feel like i am staying true to her and what i promised.

and, in the end, even though i didn't want a 'wake' or anyone to come to her funeral, the ritual of those things helped, alot. seeing my friends and family cry, not for me but for her... hearing her name outloud, having her recognized- these all happened because we opened up a little and came out of our solitary sorrow. we asked that our friends and family make a donation to our hospital's birth dept, so that they could update their material for a grieving family after the loss of their child. that helped.

i am so sorry you have lost your baby. much love to you.


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## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

We lost Baron 4 weeks ago yesterday.







:
We had Baron cremated and we are not ready to let him go yet.
When we are, we will be taking him on a Disney Cruise with family and friends (and hopefully his brother or sister) to scatter his ashes in the ocean.
It will be beautiful and respectful.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

bbaron, that is a beautiful idea









mommajustice I am so sorry for what happened







We had a memorial service with JUST close family (parents, aunts uncles and of course my children) and my best friend there just to remember her. Unfortunately, I was unable to go because I had an infection from my c section, but the pictures are very beautiful and the funeral home had her looking so peaceful....just make sure that YOU have most of the say what goes on. I was so depressed and upset that my family (and I regret it now) took over and planned the service and even picked her headstone. Be sure to put your foot down and only let someone help if you ask. Goodluck sweetie.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thinking of you....I am sorry for your loss!


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

We did a funeral for Arawyn when she was stillborn. I had originally wanted direct cremation, but something inside made me want to dress her one time. Just to be able to pick out one dress for her to wear, just to have others see her and know that she was my baby this one time. So we had a funeral service at a little funeral home near the hospital. The nursing staff had provided a list of numbers, and we went with the first one I could get ahold of that night after she died (it was late Sunday night when I called him and he came right over to the hospital to talk to me). They provided free services for families of stillborn babies. My family and my husband's family are conservative christians. I am pagan and my husband isn't religious at all. At the time I was active with a local UU church and so that is who I called. Arawyn's funeral was on Christmas eve. I got out of the hospital late the evening before and we went directly to the mall to a specialty children's shop where they had tiny fancy doll dresses on hold for me to look at. I picked a little white one with smocking and pretty pink roses. I don't remember much of the service. I know my parents and dh's grandparents had sent flowers. The room was small and only a few close family members were pressent. My SIL was still pregnant with her daughter at the time. The girls would have been the same age, but my daughter was dead. I remember Rev H holding ds through most of the service (ds adores him) and reading a beautiful budhist poem about cherry blossoms. I remember that I was so sad, but his words were reasuring. Then dh and I said goodbye to our baby girl. I hated the way she looked and wished I had just done the direct cremation like I had wanted to. Then we picked her urn. I have not been ready to let her go. There is no where I am willing to bury her so we are keeping her ashes. When I die they will be mixed with my ashes.

I don't know what to suggest. I appreciated and hated my daughters funeral at the same time. I felt like such a ball of conflicting emotions. The Rev's words were helpful, but I hated having our family around. I just didn't feel right about them being there. But I wanted them to see how important she was, that she was a human being and deserved to be remembered. It didn't work though, most of them have already forgotten her.


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## bamamom (Dec 9, 2004)

I unfortunately didnt do anything after my losses...i just holed up in my house and grieved.

We didnt own any land...or i would have buried them. My losses were not really late term..but I still carry some regret that there is not a "spot" that I can go back to and sit on the ground .

Maybe that sounds odd..


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

thank you so much for sharing your stories

i know the struggles of wanting to make your baby real but still feeling so weak and private in your pain.

i cried while reading every single one

when my baby was born, since she had been dead for a few days, her skin was already detierorating....
they had been keeping her in the freezer and so i had a hard time holding her and trying to say goodbye....she was so cold and not mine.

so the hospital dressed her in donated clothing and a blanket and a disposible diaper....

the whole thing freaked me out.

it was all so far away from being ME and MINE...in that hospital room

anyway

i think that what i have decided to do is to have a woman's prayer circle on this sunday

it will have been exactly 4 weeks since i had her and my 27th birthday that day

i want the circle to be about her....making her life real and me saying goodbye to her still...but also i want it to be about me
a healing for me
a circle of support for me
and a prayer for the future of our family ....and hopefully someday
a prayer for the life of my ability to have another baby

i had an amazing ceremony and blessing way before i had my dd#1 and everyone brought candles and said a prayer for us when they lit them...
i saved those candles and lit them again when i was in labor...and used them over the years when i needed to say a prayer for her.

i thought i would ask all the women to bring candles to this circle to light when they share their prayer

and then i will continue to use them as i need to feel the strength of their prayers for us when i feel low.

god
empty arms are so lonely

this morning my 3 yr old told me she would always be my baby even when she dies, even when i die...that she will never stop being my baby.

so my arms aren't truly empty...they just aren't holding all i thought they would


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Quote:

god
empty arms are so lonely

this morning my 3 yr old told me she would always be my baby even when she dies, even when i die...that she will never stop being my baby.
Wow, I have tears reading this. Your DD is amazing!

Yes, empty arms DO feel lonely. The physical ache is something you can't explain to someone who has never felt it.
You may FEEL alone, but you aren't. Remember that!!! It's important.

There are other hurting mommas out here. We weep with you and for you. Our arms ache too. For our babies, for yours, for all the babies and all the empty arms... Our hearts ache every time we see a new headstone in the cemetery, every time the words "infant" appear in the obituary page, every time. We wish no mother ever had to feel this, but since we have felt it, we long to do something, ANYTHING to help make the pain more bearable.

I will be thinking of your prayer circle on Sunday, and praying for you.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

We had a prayer service @ my childhood church & then a graveside service. Prior to that, I did have a private view for family & close friends.
You need to do what feels right for your & your family.

Empty arms are awful, but I will say it does lesson in time.








s to you & your family.


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