# I am a very sad mom.



## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

My beautiful, smart, amazing 15 year old son is struggling very badly and I just don't know what to do.

It's such a long story and so much has gone down, but in a nutshell, our family has had a very rough patch the past several years and my son is showing it. He's doing terribly in school, resents me and is having trouble with the law. Around 5 months ago we moved from the boonies in to town and he has started hanging out with a bunch of street kids and j.ds. He has been caught shoplifting, drinking, arrested for possession. He is a very tall kid growing dreads and the cops all know him.

I feel like the path he's on is going to end in juvilnile hall. I have tried grounding (a joke- he just leaves anyway), pleading, and praying and I am just miserable with worry. He is in court mandated treatment but that's not helping at all.

Funny thing is, he's not even using (U.As) so I can't blame it on drugs. He's just defiant and angry and seems to have given up. He gets stopped by the cops often. If I were him, I would stay home, but he won't. He says he's not doing anything wrong and it's a free country and he can skate and walk down the street (and loiter in the park, ect).

He has had quite a few blows the past several years (his dad's and I divorce, starting public school after homeschooling, moving, I have a new partner, lost his horse, his dad's a mess (drinking), ect.) My heart is so sad for him but he just won't talk to me.

I have discussed counseling for the two of us, homeschooling again, moving back to the country and asking him what he needs from me. He doesn't want to change anything.

Something is going to give and I am afraid it's going to end badly. I am so afraid and feel so powerless. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

hi ... I just wanted to pop in and give you some support. I went thought the ringer with my dd who at 19 just seems to be coming out of it. I think all of your ideas are great. as far as the drugs go many will be out of his system within a couple of days so if he has weekly ua's then he may still be using say alcohol or meth and it would not show up.

i also have a 15 yo ds. he has gotten himself into his fair share of trouble but with him its just his lifestyle not meshing with society and school. at least the two of us can still communicate and be honest and for that I am eternally grateful.

I agree with your ds, you know, he should be able to skate and walk down the street (and loiter in the park, ect).it is a free country.

does he have any creative outlets? it might help his anger and frustration.

also ample opportunity to skate ... I think it helps get out all that pent up energy..

also can you get him out of town at least for a day or a weekend? it might help to replenish him. (maybe bring a friend or two? go mountian biking or snowboarding?)

eta: oh, and welcome to MCD!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Cherie has two good points there. One is, if he's not doing anything illegal then he does have a right to hang out, skate, walk where he wants. Second is, finding him a creative outlet can help. What else does he enjoy doing besides skating? Something he can take a class outside of school for?

I also think it might help if you can sit down with him and ask him too visit a therapist to help ease your mind (don't make it seem like it's about him, but about you. You're worried, you would feel better if someone who knows more about what goes on in the heads of teens can tell you that everything is going well). But don't push it if he still refuses.

For saying he doesn't want to change anything... He might be saying that because he doesn't know what needs changing right now.

Other then the trouble, does he talk to you about what's going on in his life?


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## G8P4 (Jan 21, 2007)

I also have struggled, am still struggling with a 15 year old. So many of us are. It's a tough age. The world is a terrible place sometimes, and to adjust to the realities of adult life, to learn the hard lessons of growing up, well... on my good days I believe that the struggling can be a marker of sensitivity and the ability to feel the pain of loss of one's childhood. Sounds like your son has been through a lot.

I sympathize. Keep talking, you will find support in many places.


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## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Noah does talk to me about his life but to be honest it's difficult to hear. It's about he and his friends are picked out and harassed because of the way they look. And how he can't stand the "preppies" at his school. I just listen. We are discussing an alternative program at the high school and that's progress.

He has an appointment with his treatment counselor tomorrow. She asked me to attend since he's in fresh trouble but he is totally opposed to me going.

It is so hard to be authoritatrian after being a democratic parent for so long. His treatment, his space and I respect it? Or I am freaked out and you're my kid so I am crashing your appointment? I have felt our relationship is more important than "compliance" but to what end? It's me or the law is how I am feeling.


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## Jezzy (Sep 20, 2006)

We are struggling here with a 15 year old. I hope this blows soon it sucks


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

If he's opposed to you going, I would respect that. This is a chance for him to talk about things with someone without having to worry about what mom will think. No matter how open a relationship you and your son have, there will be things he won't be comfortable talking about around you. Since he says he's uncomfortabl with you there, that tells me that he may want to discuss one or two things like that with the councellor.

As for the law, if he's getting hassle by the cops for not doing anything wrong. I can understand why the idea of being hassled by the cops for doing something wrong has more appeal. Get in trouble for being good or get in trouble for being bad? It really gets to me that society has reached a point where a teen can't even hang out at the park with friends without someone getting upset over it. I do understand that he has broken the law, but I also understand that when I was a teen and getting followed in a store just for that reason, I really had an urge to steal something just to taunt who was following me.

It really sucks being a teen. Especially today when you so often hear about how teens are all "drinking, drug using, violent delinquents who don't respect their elders." How can you expect a teen to respect someone who doesn't respect them?


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## dhammamama (Mar 30, 2008)

Hang in there-- I know it's heartbreakingly horrible, but it will pass. My 17.5yodd has had a rough year and is slowly coming out of it.

Hugs to all moms who care and pay attention and don't give up. Not all do.


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## elizam (Aug 8, 2006)

Wow, I almost could have written your post and I can say that we are struggling here, too. My ds is 15. He has a bipolar dx on top of the other problems. I think he does do drugs, but maybe not as often as his dad accuses him of. He is hanging with a real loser crowd and hates preps. He used to try so hard to be liked and accepted by those preps, who shunned him and made fun of him for being smart, for being ADHD, etc. Now he thumbing his nose at them all! But he hangs out with kids who fail grades, drop out, and smoke weed all the time. Most of the kids come from very troubled homes. We are not that type...but I do have a bipolar dh with a volatile temper and 3 other kids, so it is not your picture perfect home. No physical abuse, just yelling, conflict, etc. It still sucks!

We are involved with Juvenile Justice and it seems like a waste of time--he has run away and done all these things since we filed for an undisciplined juvenile petition and he asked me, "why are you all ding this to me when there are all these kids as bad as me and even way worse whose parents DON"T do this to them??" He is mad as hell at us for it, and sad, too. Oct. 30 they are going to try him and send him to juvie for 24 hrs. I am supposed to think this is a godsend according to the system. I feel like it is for parents who haven't got a clue. I guess I am one of those parents now...but I am tryin gso hard to figure out what to do!


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## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

Musician dad, you are so right. It's like the cops in this town figure if a kid has dreads and rides a skateboard they are guilty. Some of the cops try to buddy up with the kids but most of them just look for an excuse to search them. I tell him over and over those kids can hang out at our house and I'll even feed them but he isn't interested in that.

I have decided to not go to his appt this afternoon. I will call the counselor and tell her why. I have to maintain what little trust Noah has in me and going against his wishes isn't going to help that. Thanks for the imput there.

Elizam- I am so with you. This is not MY familiy! We did things differently and I figured I would be rewarded but not with this kid. His friend's parents are barely parents, IMO- kids sleep at my house and I don't think they tell their parents where they are. And I don't trust the JJ system at all. The whole thing is just so depressing.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. Hang in there everyone. This too shall pass.


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## moocowma (May 4, 2008)

I don't have much advice, but do offer lots of hugs. 15 is really rough even at the best of times. I was that age when my mother died and even though I was drug and alcohol free, I certainly hung out with a loser crowd and was the type the police would watch (punk hair, thrift store clothes, etc.). It sounds dumb, but a drum kit in the garage actually helped a lot. Being able to pound on something and get my anger out was really good for me. One my friends recently got a nice kit for his sons on freecycle.

Trust yourself. You know your child better than anyone. Hopefully, he will open up to you again soon. He's hurting and he knows you care and are hurting too. Good luck to you and your son.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

I am thinking of you Mother22Boys. I can't offer any advice but you have my sympathy. Both of my DDs had a very rough time at 15. I want to say it was the roughest year, but since my youngest is 17 now, I don't want to "jinx" us because she still gets moody at times. My oldest developed an eating disorder when she was 15 and was diagnosed as anorexic. Fortunately she has been at a normal weight for 5 years now. The teen years are hard.


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

I don't know if this helps, but I have a lot of sympathy for your son. It really, really sucks being a teenager in America today. Unless you happen to excel in a narrow area, you are assumed to be a problem and shut out from everything real, exciting, and important.

Honestly if you're not worried about him getting involved with dangerous criminals I would let it all be. A juvenile conviction is not the end of the world. After 18 it's a lot more serious, but right now, it will be worth it if he gets popped for loitering or mouthing off at a cop or possession or shoplifting, because the harsh consequences for his behavior will come from someone who isn't you. Make sure he graduates from high school but otherwise, let him figure it all out on his own until he realizes he needs you, which he will.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I've btdt, still sort of going through it. My 17yo is doing a lot of things that I don't like. His best friend was arrested for breaking into churches and robbing them. The friend is essentially living with us now. I've let go of the worry.

I realize I cannot control my children. They're going to make their own choices. I can only be available to them when they want or need me, which I will always be no matter what they do. I try to keep myself involved in ds's life without being judgmental. I offer my feelings, thoughts and opinions when they are wanted. I go to counseling myself. My ds refuses to go. That's ok. If nothing else, the counseling helps me cope with his worrisome behavior.

He's had his entire world turned upside down recently and probably feels like he has no control over any of it. Obviously, he didn't really have a choice about the divorce or moving or the rest of it. I think the best thing you can do is just love him.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother22boys* 
M He has been caught shoplifting, drinking, arrested for possession. He is a very tall kid growing dreads and the cops all know him.


OK, key question. You say he's been arrested for a variety of things. Has he actually been convicted of any of them? If he's just been arrested but has been able to prove that he wasn't drunk, didn't have drugs on him, and wasn't shoplifting, then the police are harassing him and you should take action. And in that case, then I agree you should respect his wishes re therapist etc.

However, if he really was drinking, carrying drugs (but not using), or shoplifting, then I think you have a very different problem. The police then have good reason to suspect him of crimes and, IMHO, should be stopping him and searching him. And you should be taking a much more proactive stance in getting him help of one kind or another.

If I understand it, the courts mandated drug treatment, right? So you think
he's not using why exactly? Surely the court tested him before sending him to treatment and they wouldn't have mandated if he were clean.

If you don't want to crash he appointment, make one of your own with his counselor and go over options. Or find a counselor for both of you.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Sorry, but a history of wrong doing isn't a valid or even legal reason to stop and search someone. There has to be probable cause at that time for a search. So even with a history, the cops are in the wrong with stopping and searching just because he's there.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother22boys* 
Musician dad, you are so right. It's like the cops in this town figure if a kid has dreads and rides a skateboard they are guilty.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. Hang in there everyone. This too shall pass.









that







I have dreads, even tho I'm grown I can't go anywhere without being searched







I'm always clean, but that doesn't stop them.

I know I was.... difficult at 15. They have to figure things out for themselves, the best thing you could do IMO is just be there when he needs you. You're still his mama.

I still love my mama very much regardless of the crap I gave her when I was 15! I've also never been incarcerated. So there is hope for todays youth!


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Have you read the book, "Hold On To Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld? I don't have teens yet, but I _was_ a troubled fifteen-year-old, uh, more recently than I care to say,







, and I have to say when I read that book it all made sense, why I had acted the way I did-- what a great feeling!-- and I wished one of my caretakers would've read that book . . . Oh well.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Sorry, but a history of wrong doing isn't a valid or even legal reason to stop and search someone. There has to be probable cause at that time for a search. So even with a history, the cops are in the wrong with stopping and searching just because he's there.

You are, of course, legally correct. But the *reality* is that he is going to get hassled if he has a history of being in trouble. And "probable cause" is pretty broad, even legally. So maybe he's just hanging out in the park. But if he's been caught drinking and such, then maybe its not just hanging out...


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## happyhippimama (Apr 11, 2007)

I am sorry. My oldest is not quite that old yet. But ((HUGS)) mama.


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## Leenie (Jun 15, 2004)

I don't have anything great to add, but some support. It is harder than I ever imagined raising teenagers


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## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

Wow- there is a lot of wisdom here!

He has been cited for MIP (minor in possession of alcohol) and that is the reason for the court mandated treatment. And they never tested him until treatment. Go figure. He did smoke pot, but that's not what he got popped with.

About 3 months later he got arrested for possession of a white pill- he won't say where he got it and it hasn't come back from the lab yet. Waiting to hear on that one. They did UA him and he was clean. I am sure he was holding for someone but he won't tell me. That's what's killing me- they act like he's a total thug but all he's really done is drink a little and smoke some weed.

In our town, if the cops have "probable cause" they can breathilize and search teens. SO even though he didn't even look buzzed and he had no beer on or around him, he got cited.

I agree with him- it's bulls*it.

Anyway thanks for the support. I am really trying to surrender and let go. And I just keep telling Noah I love him no matter what and keep plugging away.


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## jessemoon (May 31, 2004)

I live where you do! Are you looking in to the Wilderness Charter School? It's a great program. How long has he been at the high school? It has some great programs and some really dedicated and kind-hearted teachers.

There are lots of people who will accept him in all his dready glory if he lets them. This town is full of dready kids and kids who have chosen to buck the mainstream. He's not alone and he doesn't have to hang out with troublemakers to avoid the "preps". What are his passions? Does he snowboard? Would he join the team?

This town has quite a few cool resources for teens, but he has to be willing to try them. That's hard when you are 15 and miserable and can't see the forest for the trees.

I taught high-school for a long time and I think that 15 is really hard on boys.

Good luck!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother22boys* 
Wow- there is a lot of wisdom here!

He has been cited for MIP (minor in possession of alcohol) and that is the reason for the court mandated treatment. And they never tested him until treatment. Go figure. He did smoke pot, but that's not what he got popped with.

That just blows... Here they can't even take you to court without at least a breathalizer. If your a MIP then make you dump it out and send you on your way (or take you home). But then I'm in Canada, and for the most part we don't have the overzealous "war on drugs" they have in America.


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## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi Jessemoon- I have asked him about the Wilderness Charter School and he's not interested. At parent teacher conferences last week one of his teachers mentioned it. Another one mentioned Catalyst and he more open to that. I need to talk to his counselor at the high school and make some changes school wise for next semester. His teachers are very supportive and like him- they can tell he's a nice kid in a big scary body.

I wish he would get to know of the "buck the system" types who are politically and environmentally active. He hangs with the more stoner- drop out types.

He has snow boarded a few times and didn't really like it. He is really good on a skateboard so maybe I just need to take him to the mountain more this winter.


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## jessemoon (May 31, 2004)

I wish you luck!

It is tempting, when you are miserable, to feel as if the whole world is against you and to perpetuate that a bit. Poor kid. I remember feeling that righteous indignation was a more desirable state than being well-liked.

I also know that kids come through rough times and grow up unexpectedly. It is encouraging that his teachers see him for the good kid he is, now he needs to feel safe enough to trust them and to try some of their suggestions until one fits.

In the meantime, you are in a good community with lots of support. See if you can make the police department your ally. Your son is understandably in conflict with anyone in uniform, but there are some officers on our local force who are really kind and do their best for kids.

There are also those on power trips, as there are anywhere, but it can't hurt for you to have someone in your corner that you trust when it comes to his involvement with law enforcement.

Take care of yourself.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

mother22boys ~ I think it's great that you are asking him what, if anything, he'd like to do rather than forcing him into "treatment".









jessemoon ~ That was a wonderful post. So true that teens can sometimes come out of their gloom and doom unexpectedly. I use to overreact when my oldest was 13-15 and would get dark. I was so afraid he was depressed and possibly suicidal because I've always had problems with depression. One day, it seems, he just sort of grew out of it. Now at 17 he's not like that at all (although he still is anti-authority, which I'm kind of proud of







).


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## ibejimother (Feb 3, 2006)

This thread has been so helpful! I go weeks, months without checking into Mothering, but whenever I do, there is so much wisdom! My dd is 15 years old and it is getting rough. She is so secretive and deceptive! Not into drugs that I know of, but doing very poorly in school. I will purchase the book _Hold onto Your Kids_ - thanks for the recommendation.


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