# Dear Sweet Baby...



## Mommy Kahdib (Jan 31, 2007)

I can't believe this crazy week is over. It's all over. I should be 17 weeks on Monday, instead I sit here with tears pouring down my face with an empty uterus searching for tiny baby urns...which all seems so crazy to me. I'm pasting a letter I wrote last week to our little sweet heart who was taken from me yesterday via D&E...the doctor's only guess yesterday was amniotic banding syndrome since he did see a band around one of baby's limbs. We'll find out more at the end of March when we go back to hear about the pathology and the chromosome analysis...but it doesn't matter. My baby is gone, my belly is empty, my heart is breaking and I don't feel like our family is complete...but I am so scared to try again...and reading all of the loss on this board just makes me feel like we will lose again...and again. I don't know how life goes on when you lose a full term baby...16 weeks feels horrible...like we came so far. We were two weeks from the ultrasound, four weeks from halfway...ugh it all just hurts.

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Sweet, Sweet Baby,

I said maybe, maybe you should just stay with me. I miss you like crazy and you're not even gone yet. I miss the dreams I had of you&#8230;of gardening in the summer eating fresh cherry tomatoes with my belly round and full with you squirming ready to join our family in August. Of letting the ocean waves splash again me, floating in the summer waves waiting for you to be born&#8230;.waddling up the shore to dig a hole where I could put my belly and finally lay on my stomach after long nights of sleeping on my side.

Yesterday was an ordinary Monday&#8230;Mondays were little stepping stones here knowing I would turn from 15 to 16 weeks. I had a routine OB appointment and I brought your brother and sister with me. Chasey turned off the light when I was trying to pee in the cup. We all laughed. Emmie helped the doctor look for you&#8230;they were playing hide and seek talking about how you were a good hider. The doctor thought you might be a boy, a stubborn boy who was good at hiding from us already. In my heart I think you were a girl&#8230;I don't know if we'll ever know for sure&#8230;but I think of you as my little Rose. My surprise baby that threw us for a loop&#8230;when I calculated your due date in those early days and found out that you would be due to come into this world on my grandma Doris Rose's 93rd birthday I just knew in my heart you were meant to be. We had weddings, a full summer&#8230;but really&#8230;who cares, my sweet sweet baby, you were for us, for this family, we were waiting with open arms for you. Your sister grew bored of the game&#8230;your brother stood in his seat and called to me, "Mama, mama, MAMA." The doctor eventually gave up and just told us that an ultrasound would be easier&#8230;we went back to play with the toys in the waiting room. The last 10 minutes of ignorance. I should have savored them. I read to Emmie, I joked with Chase. We all climbed back up the ramp&#8230;excited to get a sneak peak at you before the ultrasound in two weeks&#8230;

There were two seats for Emmie and Chase. Emmie sat and held Chase's hand and the technician put the wand on my stomach. Emmie whispered to your brother, "Chasey, look at that screen up there, it is so cool, we're going to see our new baby brother or sister on that screen&#8230;that's inside Mommy's tummy." Chase just nodded and I was in another land&#8230;I could see that you weren't there&#8230;that your heart had stopped beating and I managed to say to the tech, "It isn't good.." and she nodded wiping a tear from her eye and she said, "No, I'm sorry, it isn't good&#8230;" and then somehow I was able to keep everything together and mechanically tell Emmie that you were joining auntie Jenny's baby who was supposed to be born just two weeks after ours in heaven. Oh your brave big sister, I know she would have loved you on this earth beyond belief-she told everyone about you and said secret prayers to God begging for him to send her a sister&#8230;she was so brave and so sweet when I told her and she looked at me and said, "Mama, I don't want her to go to heaven, I want her here with us&#8230;" and all I could say was, "Me to." Her eyes filled with tears and her lip quivered and then she said, "Mama, God really must have wanted this baby," and a big smile spread across her face and that was all of the crying she has done.

The doctor came in&#8230;she talked about options&#8230;I'm not sure I heard her because trying not to cry, trying to understand everything that was happening, it was filling my head and my ears. How could you be gone, my sweet sweet baby? My little burst of sunshine who was going to light up the end of the summer. The little squishy newborn who I was excited to hold and snuggle and nurse&#8230;you were going to be my last baby, the baby that made this family complete&#8230;how could you be gone? I wasn't bleeding, cramping, nothing&#8230;in fact I was just kind of getting over feeling so sick and tired&#8230;so excited to move into the future of kicks and squirms and even indigestion. The walk to the car was long. I held Chase's hand and Emmie's hand and I held in my tears bu the bucket was filling. I buckled the kids into the car and sat in my seat to put on my seat belt and I cried. I cried for all that you were, for all that you would never be. I cried for Emmie and Chase and Daddy who would never know you like I had come to know you in the last four months while you grew in my belly&#8230;I cried because I forgot to ask for a picture of you&#8230;so the only picture I have of you is one from when you were a tiny grain of rice at 8 weeks old&#8230;you look like a happy little gummy bear holding onto a floating balloon (your yolk sac) and smiling up at us. Emmie was so proud to look at you, so excited to talk about you.

You're still safe inside of me and while I never understood how a woman who lost her baby could live knowing that she was carrying around her dead child I am thankful to have this time with you before you are gone forever. For now I am holding you because I never will. Friday morning they willl take you out of my belly and the last 16 weeks will seem like a dream. The summer will come and go and the bins of clothes we had waiting to sort for you once we found out if you were a boy or a girl will sit in the basement unopened. We won't but the mini van that we needed for the three kids, we won't get a bunk bed for Emmie. We won't be bringing you to Cape Cod with us in September to enjoy the sand and with us for a week of family fun. Sometimes life just doesn't make any sense and everything seems turned on its head. Maybe someday everything will be clear, but for now my eyes are clouded with images of you.

I wonder what you would have looked like&#8230;I've always wondered if you would look more like Emmie, or Chase or a new baby all your own&#8230;and now that I will never know I miss you even more. I wonder what color your eyes would have been and what your cry would have sounded like. I was cherishing every moment of the pregnancy thinking it would be my last&#8230;and now I have lost a piece of my heart to you. We've stopped right here, right now, to savor every bit of you before Friday with a D&E when life will go on. We will all push forward&#8230;and I hope, my sweet, sweet baby that you will always be with us watching over us while you wait for us up in heaven. I'm hopeful that we will have another baby someday&#8230;but that baby will not be you, it will never be you.

With all my heart and all my soul I love you and will miss you always,
Mama

P.S. Daddy, Emmie, and Chase send kisses, hugs and all their love.


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## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'm so very sorry.


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

I am so so sorry. (((hugs))) That is a beautiful letter.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I am so sorry

I think that letter is a wonderful gift to your baby.


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## Mommy Kahdib (Jan 31, 2007)

I just don't know where you find the courage to move on and have another baby...it all seems so scary now.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, momma, I'm so sorry.







Thank you for sharing your beautiful letter.


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## Carolyn R (Mar 31, 2008)

Oh, mamma, I am so sorry. It's just not fair.

Just wanted to let you know, many hospitals/clinics keep ultrasound images on file for a length of time...if you contact them, they may be able to print you some images from your last scan.

Wishing you healing and peace.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry... thank you for sharing this. Such a heartbreak.


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## csekywithlove (Feb 25, 2010)

:







:: I had a D&C last Tuesday... and yes, you just feel empty... Hang in there... I'm sorry, baby. :







Try and keep your head up.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

I'm so sorry, your letter just breaks my heart. And I know, I've been there.

Sweet little Rose


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sweet baby


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

very very sorry, mama. i have tears reading this. may god give you and your beautiful family strength and love to go through this horrible time.


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## Blanca78 (Jul 26, 2009)

I am also crying. I am sending your family peace and love; I am so sorry.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry.

I found out on a Monday, too. I was also 16 weeks.


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry!!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very, sorry.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

I'm so very sorry. What a beautiful letter.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Life is so unfair.


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## nikkivssll (Aug 31, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are so similar to yours...my baby was due August 2nd and we lost her at 11 weeks. I just knew she was a girl too.

Hugs!


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

oh, i am so so sorry. I cried for your loss when I read this and I can feel your heartbreak. Thank you for sharing your beautifully written words.


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## FMS619 (Nov 17, 2008)

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today. I cried and cried as I read your letter, as it reflects so many thoughts that I've had as well. Today is just a sad day--but there have been a few with a peek of sunshine in the past 9 weeks since our little one was gone. I will hope and pray for some sunshine in your days in the weeks to come.


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## Mommy Kahdib (Jan 31, 2007)

Thank you all so much for your replies...it is comforting to know that I am not alone...that you have all been there and know this pain and are surviving it as well. But it also scared the heck out of me to see so many moms on the loss thread..there are so many losses...I am so scared for another loss...but I know that the benefits out weight the risks...in order to feel the joy I have to risk the loss, right? It is still so raw. We got the call today that we can pick up the baby's ashes...I cried my eyes out. I feel like every first little thing makes me cry my eyes out...but I am starting to feel mostly normal with a hint of hysteria here and there instead of feeling completely sad as a constant. I talked to my aunt today who lost a baby at 14 weeks and that was 11 years ago. She said she still thinks about him, she still knows how old he would be and silently celebrates his birthday...she imagines walking down the street holding hands with him. In her heart, though, she knows how much he loves her...that made me cry too. I just continue to march forward, it's the only choice, right? I won't get anywhere staying in this dark place, so here I go, moving on up...I'm sure I'll slip back, but onward is the goal....at least I know I can always look back and mourn what I have lost, but I don't have to stay in it for always.

Hugs to all the mamas who should have their babies with them now...


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh Mama.







I'm assuming you've heard the song Sweet Sweet Baby by your letter. It was the song NILMDTS put to our photo slideshow of Fiona.

Don't worry too much about what you'll do later, and how you'll come to accept trying for another child and the possibility of loss then too. You've got all the time in the world to get there. Its ok to just be plain sad. Its enough to be so full of grief without much acknowledgment while also still walking the walk of life (because darn it all the world does not just pause for us to catch a breath).


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## Mommy Kahdib (Jan 31, 2007)

My world came crashing down even further...on March 12th my aunt came to the house at 7am to tell me that my bio dad had passed away. They found him in his car the day before and still don't know what happened to him. I only had the last 8 years with him...he cried for the baby when I told him that she had died...and then two weeks later he is gone. The pain of losing the baby went away for now and is replaced with this bigger pain that is harder to understand...he was only 54. It just doesn't make sense in my head...the same way losing the baby at 16 weeks just didn't make sense. I felt completely and utterly unprepared for both and it's like someone hit me in the back of the head with a bat when I was least expecting it...


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Oh momma, this is so much for one to deal with. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your bio dad. It sounds like he was a source of compassion for you. I can imagine the losses parallel eachother. It's the death of a dream. Dreams you had for your baby, dreams of what your relationship with your bio dad could become. I'm so sorry....sending you gentle hugs.

Amy


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your losses







It sometimes feels to me like the world is intentionally waiting for me to rise up and then pushes me back down again. I'm sending you love and prayers as you go through this difficult time. I'm also sending light and strength for your healing.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh mama.







My dad passed away when he was 54 as well, and even though he was ill for a long time, it was like a huge hole opened up and I couldn't tell which was was up. I hope you have loved ones around to care for you while you're upside down and backwards.


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## GMum (Apr 25, 2008)

Oh mama,







I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh mama. I'm sorry for the loss of your father as well as your baby. So much grief, I wish you gentle days to mourn them both.


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## Mommy Kahdib (Jan 31, 2007)

Why do people always say the wrong thing?? DD's preschool director..."I'm so sorry, but she has another grandfather." Oh yes, and if you lost on of your children, ma'am, you have two others...right? Ugh! And then the pedi today who I know means well reminded me again that babies usually don't make it because something is wrong with them...and I reminded her that the baby died of amniotic banding syndrome...and lots of kids live with a few fingers missing, an arm, a leg...and I would take a baby with any of those issues alive in a heart beat...she just smiled because that's not even an option...

Then there are the people that just look at you and say nothing at all...perhaps thinking that they don't want to hurt your or make you cry by bringing it all up...little do they know it hurts even when they don't say anything...like I am standing there with a knife sticking out of my side and they think that if perhaps they don't say anything I will forget that it is there...that it happened.

I thank you all here for you support and understanding...upside down and backwards is a perfect explanation of the world right now. I am proud of my body, though, which ovulated and I think is gearing up for the end of this post-loss cycle....


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

Hugs mama.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and your bio dad. I just wanted to let you know that I could have written your original post, right down to finding out at the ultrasound with your children present. I found out a week and a half ago that I had lost my baby who died at around 16 weeks, but I didnt find out until 19 weeks at the ultrasound.

This is such a sad time.
Hang in there, that's really all we can do right now.


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