# Life has a cruel sense of humor...



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

We went to church tonight and there's this nice couple there that just got married this last summer. The husband is asian/pacific islander like my husband and the wife could easily be a cousin of mine. It's funny because it's an unusual pairing and it's interesting finding folks that look like us that chose spouses that look like ours. Anyway... I found out recently that the wife is pregnant. Great. Now I have to see a pregnant lady every week at church. Oh well.

Tonight we go to service and I see them sitting there, she's got a little bump. Very cute. I was struck by how cute she looked, then I felt instant pain. A dull, aching feeling in my gut. I sit down a few rows ahead and lean to my husband, "I think I'm going to cry." He looks at me like I'm nuts and says "Don't worry about it, you'll be pregnant soon enough." SO not what I needed to hear. I'm not infertile, for pete's sake. I'm mourning our baby.

So I make it through the service and feeling guilty for being jealous so I decided to muster up my courage and congratulate them. So I say, "I see you guys are expecting! How exciting! Congratulations! When are you due?" - "July 21. Can you believe it? I'm 20 weeks! Halfway there!"







(that was my due date.) I swallow hard and say, "Oh, a summer baby! Wonderful. Well, congrats." smile and walk away.

You know in movies where someone gets stabbed in the stomach and you can see the look in their eyes when they realize what's happened? That was me. Someone shoved a dagger into my gut and I was left to stagger away.

I started crying on the way home. DH, again, thought I was nuts and asked me "Why are you doing this to yourself?" when I told him about the lady's due date. He doesn't get it. He even said so. "I don't understand why you're so sad. Who cares that she has the same due date? Aren't you over it yet? Are you going to cry every time you see a pregnant woman?"







:

Anyway. Having a tough night, here. Gotta go study for a big exam I have at 6 am.


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## soxthecatrules (Oct 20, 2008)

I remember when we had our loss that I was so angry that I could spit fire at any pregnant woman....especially ones that were close to our original due date. Then I was fine once I got pregnant again (3 cycles later). Just allow yourself to process those feelings. Don't bottle them up. Closing up will do you no good whatsoever. Right now I'm mourning that loss again but this time I'm not angry at pregnant ladies. I really wanted 3 children and for many good reasons we're stopping at 2. I'll be thinking of you. Please take care.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry you are struggling and your husband isn't more understanding. I can't imagine how difficult that situation in particular must be for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Argh, I'm really sorry your dh isn't more understanding about it. We need to grieve, you know? And talking about the grief helps us process it. At least we have each other here to listen I guess







I almost burst into tears randomly at the gym a month ago when I realized that the instructor of my biking class was due in April (I was due in April). She was so big (in a great way) and I wasn't expecting it--it caught me off guard, because I really do feel like I'm "over it" almost all the time, but I started tearing up. I can't imagine if I'd found out we'd had the same due date or something like that. I'm sorry


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

I'm so together all of the time. I mean, I threw a freakin' baby shower 4 weeks after my miscarriage! For some reason, finding out this couple is having their baby the same day we were supposed to have ours... ugh. It wouldn't matter if I was pregnant right now. I want my bean back, you know? *sigh*

I wish I could be more faithful and patient. It's tough. Thanks for the support ladies.







back to you all!


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I totally understand. I teach childbirth classes, and I've decided to take a break so that I'm not teaching anyone who is due around the time that I was. I just don't think I could handle looking at their bellies and thinking that I should be in the same place. We will be pregnant soon enough with our rainbow babies, but that doesn't replace the baby that we lost.








s


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

Well I can TOTALLY see how that would be upsetting. It's hard enough seeing pregnant women everywhere after a loss, but to have the same due date as you? Ouch.
Men just don't grieve these things the way we do. Big hugs to you and good luck on your test.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

It gets better and better. My best friend is pissed at me now because I got upset when she said that I shouldn't be sad because there's a bigger plan and good things are to come.

Am I crazy? Should I not feel sad? Why are my two closest people telling me to basically "get over it" and "you should feel comforted knowing that good things are coming"? Can't I feel any damned way I please?! I already struggle with guilt and worry over sharing sad news or less-than-positive feelings with others, and now they're saying "You should feel okay with this" when I do?

Well, this has confirmed for me that I need to make an appt with the counseling dept at school. I was going to go because I wanting advice/help figuring out what to do with my summer now that I'm not having a baby in July. Now I just feel like I need a safe place to cry.

I'm so happy to have support from all of you. Really. It means so much to be able to vent and not have people judge me or jump down my throat.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I ran out of a restaurant mid meal this week because the woman beside me brought out a magnificent brand new baby boy from behind a blanket. I was caught between the desire to rush and grab and sniff him & the panicky need to just.get.out.of.there.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
I ran out of a restaurant mid meal this week because the woman beside me brought out a magnificent brand new baby boy from behind a blanket. *I was caught between the desire to rush and grab and sniff him & the panicky need to just.get.out.of.there.*










I just laughed out loud because I know exactly how you feel and I usually feel like a total nut when I feel that way. I want to dress my dog up like a child and push her around the block in a stroller and at the same time want to burn the stroller in a big trash heap. I have a dark sense of humor, so this stuff makes me laugh. It's so tragic and horrid that I can't even cry. Sometimes laughing seems more appropriate.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Sometimes laughing is the only thing that keeps me sane.

(Just after Max died, dh & I caught the bizarre Joachim Phoenix interview on David Letterman. Our life was feeling so crazy & otherworldly, so it was the perfect humor relief in the midst of the insanity.)


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Oh, I can totally relate to this. I went for a nutritional assessment with a friend, who said before doing any tests "I think you should wait 3 months, before trying again" and when I asked why - she said "you might have copper toxicity and you don't want to have another miscarriage". OK, so I had 1 m/c at 5 weeks, and I have copper pipes at home. It doesn't mean that I will miscarry again if I try now. Now I just feel like the m/c is my fault somehow, and that I won't be able to have a baby.







I know it's not rational, but I am not rational, I am grieving my loss and I want some support.







:
Phew, it feels good to vent.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Big, big sympathies ... we were shown a picture of our new youth paster, his wife and their *5 month old baby boy*, who will be joining the church next month. I find church really, really hard right now anyway but the ONE good thing was that (absolutely incredibly & virtually unheard of in gestation central!) I was the only one pregnant when I was expecting Emma. I even said to DH how pleased I was that I didn't have to do that whole "shadow child" thing ... and now I do. Thank goodness it's a boy - a tiny silver lining.

I think when your nearest and dearest want you to be over it, it's because they want you to be well and happy. But the only way to well and happy is through it not around it. I think the counselling sounds an excellent idea. I'm just about to email the bereavement midwife at the hospital and see if I can self refer myself for some help and support.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
It gets better and better. My best friend is pissed at me now because I got upset when she said that I shouldn't be sad because there's a bigger plan and good things are to come.

Am I crazy? Should I not feel sad? Why are my two closest people telling me to basically "get over it" and "you should feel comforted knowing that good things are coming"? Can't I feel any damned way I please?! I already struggle with guilt and worry over sharing sad news or less-than-positive feelings with others, and now they're saying "You should feel okay with this" when I do?

Well, this has confirmed for me that I need to make an appt with the counseling dept at school. I was going to go because I wanting advice/help figuring out what to do with my summer now that I'm not having a baby in July. Now I just feel like I need a safe place to cry.

I'm so happy to have support from all of you. Really. It means so much to be able to vent and not have people judge me or jump down my throat.

















I'm so sorry. I understand where you're coming from. I struggle w/guilt and worry over sharing anything that's not positive and had some of the very same things said to me. No you are not crazy. Yes you can feel sad..you can feel anything you need to feel. You are grieving for your precious child. And that is something you don't just get over.








Also I think counseling would be good for you to have a safe place to feel what you need to feel and express it since those closest to you don't seem to want to allow you to do that. And of course we are always here too.







You will be in my thoughts.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marinak1977* 
Oh, I can totally relate to this. I went for a nutritional assessment with a friend, who said before doing any tests "I think you should wait 3 months, before trying again" and when I asked why - she said "you might have copper toxicity and you don't want to have another miscarriage". OK, so I had 1 m/c at 5 weeks, and I have copper pipes at home. It doesn't mean that I will miscarry again if I try now. Now I just feel like the m/c is my fault somehow, and that I won't be able to have a baby.







I know it's not rational, but I am not rational, I am grieving my loss and I want some support.







:
Phew, it feels good to vent.









I'm so sorry. It is not your fault and I'm so sorry she made you feel as if it is. You are right..you are grieving and you NEED support.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Big, big sympathies ... we were shown a picture of our new youth paster, his wife and their *5 month old baby boy*, who will be joining the church next month. I find church really, really hard right now anyway but the ONE good thing was that (absolutely incredibly & virtually unheard of in gestation central!) I was the only one pregnant when I was expecting Emma. I even said to DH how pleased I was that I didn't have to do that whole "shadow child" thing ... and now I do. Thank goodness it's a boy - a tiny silver lining.









I'm so sorry. I know how hard that is. Be gentle w/yourself. I understand church being hard right now too. Just take it one day/moment at a time and do what you need to to get through another day.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

it sure does have a sense of humor!







s!!! It is sooo rough







I'm sad your friend is pissed at you! I get upset too when people say that there is a plan. I had a plan too and in my plan I got to keep my baby! (that's what I say to them)....I try to be nice about it, but if they are uber-religious they just don't want to hear it.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I don't get your husbands reaction but maybe he is having a hard time dealing with it too and just doesn't want to be reminded, thinking it will be easier to deal if he ignores it? I am still mourning over the loss of a friend from youth group 13 years ago and we weren't really even that close. (Long story, don't want to take over your thread.)

I can't imagine losing a child and just "getting over it" within two or three months. I think your feelings toward seeing pregnant women is perfectly normal and valid. I had similar feelings toward women when we were dealing with infertility. I can only imagine those feelings would have been multiplied a hundred times if we had known we lost a baby.

I *think* I lost one the month before my oldest was conceived (9 years ago) but since I never knew for sure I felt weird talking about it to anyone but dh and probably won't ever bring it up with family, but I finally gave him a name a couple of weeks ago because I felt he/she deserved to be recognized.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma* 
I don't get your husbands reaction but maybe he is having a hard time dealing with it too and just doesn't want to be reminded, thinking it will be easier to deal if he ignores it? I am still mourning over the loss of a friend from youth group 13 years ago and we weren't really even that close. (Long story, don't want to take over your thread.)

I can't imagine losing a child and just "getting over it" within two or three months. I think your feelings toward seeing pregnant women is perfectly normal and valid. I had similar feelings toward women when we were dealing with infertility. I can only imagine those feelings would have been multiplied a hundred times if we had known we lost a baby.

I *think* I lost one the month before my oldest was conceived (9 years ago) but since I never knew for sure I felt weird talking about it to anyone but dh and probably won't ever bring it up with family, but I finally gave him a name a couple of weeks ago because I felt he/she deserved to be recognized.

that's beautiful! what did you name your baby? i hope you don't mind me asking.
btw: my hubby is the same. he doesn't like to be reminded of joslyn. one time i finally got him to reallyyyyyy talk about it and he said to me, "I don't like remembering. All I can remember is the doctor basically breaking her neck trying to get her out of you. That moment stays in my mind and I hate thinking about it."







Then he cried. I think men are more emotional than they let on.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:

that's beautiful! what did you name your baby?
Max. He/she was named after my best friend from jr. high. It is part of his last name. I decided to go with that as his first name is same as my dad's and I didn't want the confusion. And I figure it works for a boy or a girl.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma* 
Max. He/she was named after my best friend from jr. high. It is part of his last name. I decided to go with that as his first name is same as my dad's and I didn't want the confusion. And I figure it works for a boy or a girl.

that's very sweet mama! i bet it gives you some peace.


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## soxthecatrules (Oct 20, 2008)

Maybe I'm over-simplfying the loss of a child....but, it irritates the hell out of me when someones says something like "I don't know why she is still upset over that miscarriage. That happened xxxxx (however long ago). Its not like it was a baby and she carried it for 9 months." ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IMHO, a loss is a loss is a loss. I have an aunt who still mourns a baby she m/c at 9 weeks and that loss was almost 20 years ago. Who are we tell others how they should mourn and for how long? Different people process loss in different ways.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry your DH and friend aren't able to offer the support you need. As far as your DH is concerned - I think some men just don't get it, especially if the loss is their first child. If he doesn't have anything to compare it to it might be harder to process as a true loss. For women, you had already bonded with the baby because it was part of you. Some men don't really connect until the baby is born and they can take on a more active role.

I read a great quote somewhere that said something along the lines of people don't understand miscarriage and neonatal death because they view it as something that could have been instead of something that was truly lost. Your baby was very real to you. I wish more people understood but I also think it can't truly be understood until you've been through it.

As far as a friend saying there's a plan - we'll, from my religious viewpoint my God loves me and would never put me through this type of pain. He didn't plan to let my son live 12 hours and then call him home, He didn't need another angel or flower in his garden (we've heard a lot of these lame "excuses"). My son died due to a medical complication that should have been caught and he should have been born by c-section alive and well. Instead, the doc missed it ultrasound after ultrasound and he bled to death. My God didn't cause it to happen (I'm still struggling with why He didn't intervene but that's another post). Instead, my God was there to comfort my son and my family, He was there to welcome his soul back to Heaven with trumpets blaring. I can't see that a God that loves me could intentionally cause this much pain. No plan, it just happened.

Another pregnancy will not erase this loss. You will always miss this baby. Counseling may be just the thing to help you through dealing with others. I know that after our son died the counselor gave us some great advice - she said to listen to people's intentions and not the actual words because most would say the wrong thing. I found that to be very helpful. Even if someone says the wrong thing I'm just glad they said something because I've also found that many just won't say anything at all or avoid me. Go figure?

Six months after our son's death we are expecting again - this little one is due a couple of weeks before her brother's first birthday (and one year anniversary of his death). Being pregnant has not replaced our grief for our son. If anything, it has added all sorts of other strange feelings to go along with the wonderful feelings of pregnancy. It is really hard emotionally. Ask your DH to go to counseling with you. The counselor may help him see your pain and help him understand that he doesn't have to fix it - it is what it is and you have to go through the grief to keep moving.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and healing on this journey.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge empathetic hugs to you! you mourn any way you want. I hope counseling will help you realize that.


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## Kat's Mommy (Jan 2, 2006)

Oh Mama, I am so sorry your DH is not as supportive. I am in the same boat. We lost our baby just a mere 4 weeks ago, and my DH is not as supportive as I would like.

We saw a friend's sibling at the mall the other day. He has 3 kids. The littlest one is just an infant. I couldn't look at the infant - and my DH said "Gee...are you going to be that way everytime we see a baby from now on??"

He doesn't "get" that I was 29.5 weeks pregnant, that if I were pregnant today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Of course I am going to be sad. Of course, I am going to be angry.

He just thinks that we are going to try again, so that should be good enough for us...except, he wasn't the one carrying our son for 29.5 weeks...his level of grieving is different than mine...


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

DH was wonderful today. Very supportive, bought me ice cream (always a plus) and cuddled me.









I'm still sad/disappointed about my friend. Hurts that people think I "should" be feeling a certain way. Even having BTDT, I wouldn't presume to tell another mama losing a babe how to feel. For the record, she and I are equally religious, though we have some different theological beliefs. It's not the religious thing that bugs me, it's that she wasn't sensitive enough to know that I didn't need a sermon about how I "should" be feeling. I'm not a fan of "tough love." Never worked for me...

Doing better today. Bombed my test this morning.







Oh well. I'm working on studying for the other one tonight... *sigh* No rest for the weary.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Update: I did a little better this Sunday, despite the confirmation of my prediction that they'd have a girl (our secret wish was that our baby was a girl... hubby is still convinced it was).

I joked that the only thing that would make this situation at church more difficult is if they decided to use our baby girl name. It's unlikely, but holy cow, if they do, I might lose it again.


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