# Remembering Soren on his first birthday...



## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I wrote the following as a part of a letter my DH and I wrote to our son on today, his first birthday:

I have spent a year fearing this day. I have spent a year walking around with a hole torn out of me. I have spent the better part of this year covering it up, talking around it, stepping gingerly around its edges pretending, fairly effectively, that it wasn't there. Today is the day I have been afraid that the hole would swallow me up. Any other day I might be able to change the channel, click on a different website, turn up the music, or absorb myself in the lives of others, but not today. Today is your day. The day that, a year ago, I waited anxiously for. The day I would finally get to meet you and see your beautiful face. My baby. My son. My Soren.

And then the day came and you were more beautiful than I could have hoped for. And I loved you more deeply and completely than I could have known possible. The kind of love that moves mountains and spans the universe. The kind of love that the human heart is scarcely built to contain.

And I know, upon closer inspection, that this hole, my constant companion for the past year, isn't a hole at all, but a great reservoir full of my love for you, my baby. I wish I could separate my powerful love for you from the equally devastating pain of losing you, but I can't. They are two halves of the same whole. And coming full circle to this day, the day when you were supposed to be smearing your face with frosting and tearing open wrapping paper, I find myself instead smearing the tears from my own face and hoping I can get through this day without being torn in two.

But perhaps the truth is, I am already two. As your mother, a part of me will always belong to you. And wherever you are, a piece of me will always be there. My love that surrounds you, protects you, and holds you where my arms can't reach.

Today is your day, my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, Soren.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Soren


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

What a gorgeous letter to your son!







Soren


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

A heart-breaklngly beautiful tribute to your precious son.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

That was utterly beautiful, mama







. Happy birthday, Soren







.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Happy birthday baby boy.









Soren


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## Lindsay1234 (Dec 19, 2005)

I came on mdc today specifically to wish Soren a Happy Birthday. Ive been thinking of you an your family all day.










Soren


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## BethSLP (Mar 27, 2005)

I came on here too because I wanted to know I am thinking of you today (and most days actually).

Soren will never be forgotten. Your words are so beautiful. I wish you didn't have to write them and Soren was here instead.










XOXO
Beth


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

What a beautiful tribute to your son.








Soren


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Soren


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

that is beautiful and has me crying.







Soren


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Thinking of you and Soren and sending you so much love...









I will always remember.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

What a beautiful letter. Thinking of you today.








Soren


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Beautiful letter


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Soren

_"And I know, upon closer inspection, that this hole, my constant companion for the past year, isn't a hole at all, but a great reservoir full of my love for you, my baby. I wish I could separate my powerful love for you from the equally devastating pain of losing you, but I can't. They are two halves of the same whole."_

Your words, your thoughts are so beautiful. I use this phrase so rarely but no other will do: Your letter to your son has blessed me today. I hope you are comforted and warmed by the memories of your precious baby and the love and light sent to you by the many mommas who hold you in our hearts today.

Amy


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Soren

remembering with you mama....


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Remembering Soren with you.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

You've been heavy in my thoughts lately. We will always remember your sweet boy and grieve right there with you. I hope you find yourself surrounded by love and support.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I love your reservoir of love analogy - it's so true. It's deep and dark blue and huge isn't it. I think in the simplest terms, I have found relief with Bella because I get to turn a tap on and release some of the pressure in that reservoir. Then it doesn't feel like something that just builds and never gets used. If you see what I mean.

Remembering Soren with you as he turns one year old. XXXXX *HUGE hugs mama* XXXXX


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Happy Birthday, Soren.

Thank you for the analogy - it is a beautiful way to describe that hole and I'm glad I have a new way of looking at it. You've touched my heart today and I'm so sorry you had to live through the last year without your son.


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## DivineMrsM (Dec 19, 2008)

i hate that babies die.

beautiful letter. i bawled my eyes out.


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## bodhitree (May 12, 2008)

I don't know what to say, other than that I cried for you and Soren and your husband last year at this time and I'm doing it again this year.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Such beautiful words from a mother with a beautiful soul.








Soren


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Your letter to Soren really resonates with me.... I feel very much the same way, so full of love for my daughter that sometimes I think I might burst. And it's true - our love knows no limits. We will love our babies fiercely for all of our days on earth.

Thinking about you and Soren, mama. Soren was our 'boy' name had Freja been a boy. The baby I am pregnant with now is a boy, and will likely be named Soren. Knowing your Soren adds an extra special depth to the meaning of the name for me, I hope it is okay that I share this......








Soren


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Soren


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I remember you. Your story. Soren's story. Peace be with you mama.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Remembering your precious boy with you, Mama.
For Soren


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Soren









This thread wasn't up yesterday when I came to MDC yesterday specifically to leave a rememberance for Soren. Thank you for sharing your words with us, they are beautiful and true. Tears for you, your husband & Soren.


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## michanders4 (Jul 24, 2008)

Thinking of Soren, you and your husband. Big, big







s


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## SusanMy (Apr 17, 2008)

What a beautiful tribute to your sweet baby boy.







Soren


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Soren









Your letter is unspeakably beautiful. It blows me away.

I am so...beyond words...angry ANGRY ANGRY that babies have to die. And why those babies seem always to be belonging to mamas who love them dearly is just beyond me...why the mamas who leave their babies in DUMPSTERS to die are blessed with living child after living child is just...unfathomable.

I am so sorry that Soren is not with you. I wish I could ease your pain.










Claire


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## ShineliketheSon (Aug 20, 2008)

for Soren.







for you.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Thank you, everyone, for reading and remembering with me. The kindness and love I have received over the past year has been truly humbling.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
Thinking about you and Soren, mama. Soren was our 'boy' name had Freja been a boy. The baby I am pregnant with now is a boy, and will likely be named Soren. Knowing your Soren adds an extra special depth to the meaning of the name for me, I hope it is okay that I share this......

It's more than okay, thank you for sharing that







.


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## fruitful womb (Nov 20, 2004)

I love your letter you wrote to your son Soren. It is beautiful. He was a gorgeous baby. I remember that. I will always remember your Sweet Soren.










I will never forget... not ever.










Soren is dear in my heart, mama.


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

Soren


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Beautiful tribute to him! My thoughts are with you and many hugs, mama.














Happy Birthday, Soren!








Soren


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## emmaegbert (Sep 14, 2004)

I've been thinking of you, holding you and Soren and your family in my heart. What a beautiful letter.


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## *~Danielle~* (Mar 27, 2005)

Thinking of you a lot lately.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Soren








No baby could be more loved, sweet boy.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

Oh, Mischievium

That was a breathtakingly beautiful letter. I wept through the whole thing. You so eloquently and perfectly described the painful dichotomy of love and grief that permeates this kind of loss. Thank you for sharing. You really spoke to me, and i'm sure to many others.

Know that others are thinking of your sweet Soren too. I am so sorry you lost him.

With love


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