# I NEED to have him sleep alone



## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

Hi there, 

DS2 is a year old now, and he STILL does not sleep on his own. I have no problem with him fall asleep while I am there, or breastfeeding, but I NEED to do a couple of things in the evening (like - cleaning...) but he wakes up as soon as I leave his side. 
I barely have the time to get myself a drink. 

It gets really difficult, because I really have to do stuff. the house is a mess, since I never actually finish anything, and I cannot really clean with four little ones jumping around. I honestly have no idea how others are doing it ... (any tips?) 

I tried to do flylady, but I cannot even fill the dishwasher in the evening, because DS2 thinks he is abandoned and gets really hysterical. 

Help?


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## farmer (Mar 11, 2008)

Are you a WOHM and the evening is the only time to get stuff done? If so, can DH (or you) wear him in a carrier on your back to get him to sleep? That way you can have your hands free, but still do things.

If you're home during the day, can you use the same strategy during the day to get stuff done ahead of time, so you can relax more at night?

I houseclean/garden for work, and I've been bringing my son with me since he was just a couple of weeks old. He rode on my front in a Moby, then when he got too big for that, he was in a BabyHawk on my back, or a ring sling if he had to nurse. He took all of his naps on my back when he was a baby! 

If he has to nurse to sleep, maybe in a sling? That's a tough age, at night my kids really needed me there too. Good luck!


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

I'm in the same place right now with my 8 month old, but can sometimes get away for a little bit after she's been asleep for a long time. By that point it's 9:30 and everyone else is asleep! Frustrating. 

Are you alone, Triinity? Or is there a partner helping at all? My DH is usually away from 6 a.m until 8 p.m. so it's just my kids and I for all our waking hours. BUT he does the post-dinner dishes, and it makes a huge difference. 

I am no expert in getting stuff done and often feel completely underwater, but, if it helps:

- I put away clean dishes and clear recycling, wipe counters after making breakfast in the morning (5-ish minutes)
- I tidy the house a bit, too (5-ish minutes)
- I do a snippet of floor cleaning, vacuuming or mopping, whatever needs it the most

By that point it's usually nap time.

After nap
- I wipe bathroom surfaces, mirror, quick scrub toilet after I do my bathroom stuff each day (5-ish minutes)
- I throw in a laundry load
- I fold and put away laundry
- If my ODD is in school, I work on a bigger cleaning/organizing project, often pay bills or schedule appointments

After afternoon nap
- I do food prep - some stuff for dinner, freezer juggling, maybe make a treat, salvage veggies, etc
- I work on another project if there's time

While making dinner
- I try to clean up as much as possible while cooking because things go haywire early

After dinner
- tidy the house with kiddo's help

On scheduled bath days I clean the tub before bath time. 

These are the daily given chores, and I can keep things from spiraling out of control. Not perfect, but in control. 

I try to take full advantage of my smartphone while DD sleeps. I make plans, lists, buy things that we need online to reduce errands, do online banking, etc. 

I am always behind on laundry, rarely get around to dusting, and don't change sheets as often as I should. But we survive. 

Are your kids old enough to help at all?

On a totally different note:
When my ODD was around that age we had success with brief, planned absences. Every night at bedtime I would leave for just seconds and come right back. We lengthened the time gradually to five minutes, then I'd come back for a few minutes and go away for another 5. It worked, but we had already worked on going to sleep on her own (with me next to her, but not touching her - that transition was harder.)


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

> If so, can DH (or you) wear him in a carrier on your back to get him to sleep?


No, that doesn't work, he doesn't fall asleep in the carrier at night anymore. Plus, I physically cannot wear him anymore in the evenings, because I am just worn out from carrying him all day. (I have psoriasis arthritis and get severe back and hip pain from carrying)

My husband is not much help, unfortunately, whole different story.

I am not a wohm, i stay at home at the moment. and it drives me nuts, slowly, but, there you go. 
I need to cook a dinner at night, because the older ones are on mph for adhd, and won't eat over daytime (at least not significantly) so I need them have proper dinner food. they are already underweight. So - I barely manage to get the food onto the table, and after feeding everybody I would need to clean that up - but I am stuck with the baby. 
I don't want to ask my husband for help, but that is again a different story.

okay, need to go, later more.


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## Nazsmum (Aug 5, 2006)

Triniity said:


> Hi there,
> 
> DS2 is a year old now, and he STILL does not sleep on his own. I have no problem with him fall asleep while I am there, or breastfeeding, but I NEED to do a couple of things in the evening (like - cleaning...) but he wakes up as soon as I leave his side.
> I barely have the time to get myself a drink.


My son was the same way! I understand. I remember how draining it was.

I did put him back on the breast and try to get him in a deep deep sleep. Sometimes that worked.

I wish that I could be more help. I just wanted to tell you that I understand.


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## Daisy8s (Apr 8, 2015)

I'm totally sympathetic, Triniity. I reached a point right at this age with both my kids where I just needed them to sleep on their own both so that I could get stuff done and so that I could get real, honest deep sleep at night. 

Some tips: 1. During the day set a great, big, loud timer for 5 to 10 minutes and put it where the kids can see it. Explain that mom needs to do X chores while the timer is running and she cannot be interrupted. Suggest an activity the kids can do while the timer is running but don't get sucked into a major discussion about it. Reward them if they left you alone until the timer went off. This will help keep the house on track so there isn't so much you have to do in the evening. 

2. Attempt night weaning your 1-yr-old for three nights. If it doesn't work after the third night, wait a few weeks and then try again. Our son remained in our bed and received cuddles and comfort during the night weaning, but I did not nurse him from about 9pm to 6am. Yes, the first two nights were hellish, but at the third night I could see he was getting it and by the fourth he was completely night weaned. 

Just night weaning will teach him that he can put himself back to sleep if he awakens and it's the first step towards sleeping in his own bed. I think it's a more gentle way to begin transitioning a toddler to their own bed.

Plan ahead for 2-3 really difficult nights by choosing a time when you can nap during the day to cope with the sleep loss. It does go better if dad can be the main source of comfort instead of mom so maybe aim for weekend nights.

You sound exhausted and sleep deprived. I'm so sorry! Your situation would be tough for anyone. Hope these tips help! :thumb


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i would enlist the help of the older kids with the house work. yes, there might be some complaining, but that is seriously how i get stuff done. i am not as messy as my house can get, that is all them! LOL 
as for getting the baby to sleep on his own, do you think he is old enough to understand no milkies till sun up? i haven't night weaned anyone that young, when i did night wean they were old enough for me to explain that we didn't have milkies at nite. so when they were about 2? not that that is helpful. one is still pretty young, he may still be getting some good nursing in at night because he is so busy during the day. 
sorry you cant get away at night. i get that. if there was some way to get some of your stuff done during the day, it might not be a big deal to just roll in to bed whenever he does. i tell you, i use the fact that my wee girlie needs me next to her to sleep. LOL that is when i chill out, read a bit, maybe watch a netflix, knit, something... cuz i am stuck in the bed!


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

(I did not get my kid out of the bed until he was already in school, so it's really shameful that I have the gall to give advice.)

My friends could not co-sleep with their son. They transitioned him out of the bed using a method from the book, _The Sleep Lady®'s Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep Well and Wake Up Happy_ by Kim West. It was a slow method for transitioning the child to help himself go to sleep without being held or nursed, but also without "crying it out," which they didn't want to do. There was some crying! I don't want you to think there will be none! But they did get him to sleep by himself without making him cry alone for a long time and feel abandoned.

As far as doing chores with the baby, I think it's OK to give the baby some toys to do parallel play with you. Pots and pans work.

I know it's difficult for kids with ADHD to set and clear a table. (I learned this from an adult friend with ADHD, who still manages to do it--he just told me how hard it was to learn as a kid. He'd always space out and forget the glasses or the napkins.) I think your older kids can learn to clear their own plates and stick them in the dishwasher. The only obstacle is that your husband doesn't do that. If you can get them to ignore how he isn't helping or is hindering and do a chore for you anyway, that would be good.

With my kid, I started with the chore I thought would be the hardest for him (putting away laundry!) and told him that I was starting with the hardest one because I thought it would take the longest to learn. He reacted like I'd thrown down a gauntlet and took it up eagerly!


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

You could look into "The No Cry Sleep Solution" as well. It's very sympathetic to individual needs and gives a lot of options to figure out what works for your family. If he's nursing to sleep- you can break that association without night weaning, if that's what you want. It sounds like you have less of a problem with his sleep at night and just need time to do things.


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## rruchishrimalli (Jul 7, 2015)

I used to keep my DD busy all day with dolls, colourful balls and activity games. I would help her walk and play with her. I also used to try and not let her sleep much during day time. That tired her so much by the evening that she would go sleep soundly. I used to lie with her for 45 minutes and then get up and do my stuff. May be it works for you too. Oh and yes! When I used to slip out from under her hand or leg, I used to replace myself with a long soft round pillow and was careful not to change her sleeping position. Otherwise she used to get up and start bawling. :grin::grin:


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