# S/O sleepovers with grandparents or others, what age and why?



## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

the title says it all








This is a spin-off of my other thread about sex-addiction and sleep-overs where LOTS of people said they wouldn't do ANY sleep overs for a 2yo.

I don't know if my dd is just very mature for her age or if I am just *waaaaay* out of touch, but she _loves_ sleeping at her grandparents house and does not miss us at all. My concern has never been about her happiness at grandma's house. And she is weaned so that is not a problem. And my mom used to co-sleep with her in the living room, but now they make a little mini-bed at the end of their bed in their room and she, according to my mom, sleeps through the night there.

I have stayed at my moms with dd and dd perfers my mom to me on those nights!

So what do you do, what age is it "ok" and what are the reasons?


----------



## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I voted for whenever the child shows an interest. I trust my parents completely and the kids love to spend the night with them. they live far away though so spending the night with them usually means going to the hotel that my mom will book a few times a year when they come up to visit us. There is a waterpark inside and they have a blast with my parents.


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

It really depends on the kids, the parents, and the hosts.

Both kids stayed with my mom for the first time, overnight, when they were 2.5ish. Both times, it wasn't much of a choice . . . the first time, I was really sick and the second, I'd been injured and needed pain meds. However, they were both just fine, happy, didn't miss me, etc.

My daughter is 7 and has been doing sleepovers with friends for a couple years. I'd be pretty comfortable with her spending the night with any of her school friends at this point, as well as any of our other friends. I figure my son will be ready for friend sleepovers around the same point.


----------



## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

DD always spends the night at my MIL's...sometimes weekends










SHE LOVES to go, and she's been going since before she was even 2...they totally spoil here there, and she has her own bedroom [they respect my co-sleeping and MIL does with her] and they take her to the zoo/museums and other neat stuff in the NY area [they live in NYC..]

It's nice to have a break, and while some of the plastic toys they've collected aren't my thing, they aren't in MY house so I don't mind if she plays with them while she's there. Gets it out of her system.

So, I vote whenever the child is ready. Ideally when they are weaned


----------



## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

I answered when they show interest, because the answer is different for different people. My two sons have been sleeping over their granparents' house since they were 1 and 2.5 when we moved near them. That is because my MIL is AWESOME! She treats my boys exactly as I ask her to with regards to how to get them to sleep, so I trust her completely.

On the other hand, with friends, I think it's totally different. If it were a family friend that we hang out with alot and I really know the parents, then I'm considering doing it now at age 4 and almost 3, and probably would have done it at 3, but we recently moved to a new town, so I didn't have the comfort level or a friend interested in having a toddler sleep over.

And if it was just some kid from pre-school that I only know the parents from standing in the hall chatting, I might consider it at 4 if my son was VERY interested, but not totally comfortable with that just yet.

I didn't reply to your addiction post, but my thoughts on that were mixed because you didn't know the details. But if it was my in-laws, I think I would be ok with it as long as I knew my MIL was always going to be "in charge" of the kids, always there with them. (and of course, it was not a child centered addiction.)


----------



## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

Other. I would let a child under 2 sleep-over at grandma's if I thought they'd enjoy it, or they asked. My oldest slept over at grandma's under a year and my youngest slept over at 1.5.


----------



## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

My DD has never stayed over anywhere. She is six. Her grandparents (both sides) have invited her, but she hasn't been ready. They all live out of state and my parents can't wait until she is old enough to fly out and visit them for a week. I think that will be a long wait, though.









However, when we do manage do go visit them or when they come here, DD usually wants to sleep with them or at least snuggle with them. DD has co-slept with my parents while we were visiting them, but would not stay with them if we were not also staying at their house.

I would let her if she'd wanted to though. And I would've let her when she was younger, too, if she'd wanted to stay over with grandparents.


----------



## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Our DD has stayed at my dad and stepmom's since about age 2, she loves them and loves it there-it's her second home. It's nice to have a place for her to be able to if something happens. They took her for a couple days when I recently had my c/s and also when I was put on a short bedrest. I feel grateful to have a safe, happy place with family who dote on her.


----------



## AirMiami (Feb 3, 2009)

I voted over 2, but my 10 month old recently had a "sleep over" with my mom. I was in the guest room in the same house the entire time, but my baby coslept with grandma.


----------



## Veronika01 (Apr 16, 2007)

I don't allow my kids to sleep out. They did spend two nights at their grandparent's house when my youngest was born, but I was forced into it and completely against it. I don't completely trust my parents with my children and just don't feel at ease with them sleeping at other people's houses.


----------



## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

For my parents, I haven't really made up my mind yet. I'm leaning towards when my DD is weaned. I've lived with them, she adores them, and I know what to expect.

For other people (even distant relatives), I would not let DD stay at anyone's house alone (not even for a playdate) until she can talk and very clearly understands she needs to tell us if something bad/weird happens.

I've had some really creepy experiences as a young child with sleepovers/playdates, and because my parents never told me about good/bad touch, I didn't understand I needed to tell them (this goes far beyond kids playing doctor).

Our next door neighbor (who's daughter was my best friend from ages 5-7) was the town's local doctor. A few years later he was outed as a child molestor.... It explained sooo many things about my friend.


----------



## JoyFilled (Sep 12, 2008)

Should I feel like a bad parent? We are leaving our to-be 14 month for a week in July with friends of ours while we go to Cuba for a wedding.

I voted weaned as when I would leave her.


----------



## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

voted weaned- but night weaned in particular. my parents cant wait for sleepovers and constantly regale me with stories of other grandparents who get their <6month old grandchild every other weekend or other such arrangements! we are all comfortable waiting till night weaning.


----------



## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JoyFilled* 
Should I feel like a bad parent? We are leaving our to-be 14 month for a week in July with friends of ours while we go to Cuba for a wedding.

I voted weaned as when I would leave her.

i think it depend entirely on whether or not you trust your friends, and that you and lo feel comfortable. i don't think the choice to leave for the weekend makes you a bad parent! (and have a blast in cuba! what a cool place for a wedding!)


----------



## JoyFilled (Sep 12, 2008)

MadiMamacita - Thanks. Our friend is a social worker and her husband works at a youth correctional center. They have a 3 and 6 year old who are both handfuls and they are so good with them that I know they could handle anything my DD does. Plus we watch each others kids all the time.


----------



## hippiemama76 (Jun 11, 2009)

My DDs are 4 1/2 and 15 months. They are exceptionally close with my parents, who live about 3 hours away. DD1 stayed at our house for one night with my mom when DD2 was born. We haven't done an overnight away yet, and since DD2 is still nursing to sleep and through the night, can't imagine doing one any time soon. Currently, the only people I would allow for an overnight are my parents.

When we visit my parents (the girls and I go once a month for a long weekend), DD1 sleeps with my parents in their bed, and DD2 and I sleep in my old room. Mom and Dad were making jokes about how DD2 is starting to get attached to them - wanting them to do diaper changes, wanting them to wear her when we go out, etc. - and Dad said, "The way it's going, your Mom and I are gonna have to get a bigger bed!" I thought it was really cute!

Probably a s/o, but we don't do babysitters either (other than my parents, so it's a rarity). For us, for _now_, we make sure that all our activities include our children. Someday I imagine we will have a parents-only getaway, but we are just not in that season of our lives.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I never really had the opportunity for my kids to have "sleepovers at Grandma's or Aunt's house without me."

When my daughters were very young, my parents lived several hours away. Either my Mom would visit and stay with us for a few days to a few weeks (my Dad never stayed more than a few hours, even if it meant driving 10 hours in one day), or we'd go visit them and stay over a few days. When I moved back to NY, it was to move INTO my parents' house. Initially I'd thought that was temporary, but it's been over a decade now and we're still here.







In any case, there was no "sleeping over at Grandma's" with me not there, or at least with me not coming home after bedtime.

We never lived near any aunts or uncles that were appropriate for sleepovers. The only aunt we ever lived 20 minutes away from just wasn't "a kid person". We all enjoyed her visits but she wouldn't have made a good babysitter, and is still childfree by choice.

I suppose my FIL would have been a good choice for sleepovers if we'd stayed in Baltimore and if he hadn't died when the girls were 3 and 4. But when we lived near him, the kids were just too young for sleepovers (DD2 was only 1.5 when I moved away) and he didn't like changing diapers.

My daughters went to their first sleepover party when they were either 8 and 9 or 9 and 10- I forget exactly when, but they were both invited to the same girl's party and DD2 needed to be picked up around 11:00 PM, while DD1 stayed overnight. They both went to sleepaway camp starting at age 10- DD1 went several years in a row, while DD2 went one summer then decided she'd prefer to stay home. I just can't imagine sleepovers with friends happening before age 9 or 10. DS, newly 8, keeps asking about it, but honestly I don't think he's ready yet.

Of course it's different if you have another adult you trust enough to "parent" your kids in your absence (such as your parents or siblings or close friends.) But I never had that. IME, kids just don't do sleepovers until they're ready to "not be parented to sleep".


----------



## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

It depends on the kid; the biggest factor for us was night breastfeeding. DD1 stayed overnight with my mom as an infant. I was EPing for her, so night nursing wasn't an issue. I wouldn't have left her with anybody but my own mother. The only other sleepover she's had was with MIL, when she was 2 1/2, during the birth of my twins.

The twins were breastfed, so night nursing was an issue. They had their first overnights without me around 18 months old, when they'd been nightweaned.

But I trust my mother infinitely. We are in total agreement about every important aspect of caring for babies and children. My kids see her at least once a week, and often more. They trust her and enjoy being with her and will willingly take comfort from her. I know my mom would bring them back home immediately if they needed me, even in the middle of the night, because she's done it.

The twins haven't spent a night with MIL yet. I don't see the same level of trust with MIL as I do with my own mother, and I don't think the twins (now almost 3) would be comfortable with her.

I think I'd be willing to let DD1 try a sleepover with somebody else I trust, besides my mom and MIL, if she wanted to, but she's not interested yet. She's 5 now.

So yeah, it depends. But I am definitely in favor of sleepovers, when the kids want to and you have somebody you can trust. My kids have gotten a lot out of the experience of staying with my mom, and so has my mom, and they have a beautiful relationship that we all value a lot.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

For me, 2ish. It's about being weaned, partially, and also about being able to discuss what is happening and where I'll be, and have a real conversation about it so I know how she feels.


----------



## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

DS was 23 months when his Grandparents stayed 2 nights here with him, while DH and I were in the hospital for his sister's birth. Since then he has spent the night once with his Grandparents, it would have happened more often, but my Mother in Law had a heart attack shortly after him spending the night, so they haven't been up to it. He will likely spend the night in the next couple of weeks though.

He would spend the night with my parents as well, but they live 600 miles away, so it is a bit tougher. He may actually fly down with my Mom this summer for 2 or 3 days before DD and I follow, but I will leave the option open still, since there is a difference between 1 night away 30 minutes from home and 2 nights away 600 miles from home.

I really don't have a problem with him spending the night away, and he enjoyed it, but it just hasn't worked out to be able to happen much. That being said he is not weaned, but he is 2 1/2 now so he can go for a day or two without nursing and has no problems nursing again when we are together.

DD on the other hand won't spend the night away till she is at least 1, probably 18 months because she is still nursing for most of her nutrition, when she is mainly eating solids, if she is ready and wants to spend the night away she will be welcome to do so.


----------



## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

Bram is 4.5 and he's never slept over with anyone. He's definitely not ready yet. The only people I'd trust enough are my sisters (the two that are grown anyway) and one already lives with us and the other one lives 650 miles away. I can't even trust my own mom. Every time we visit, I'm constantly trying to keep her from feeding him garbage.


----------



## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

DD started having sleepovers at my mom's shortly after turning one. My mom said she would love to have her overnight once she was sleeping thru the night, which sounded totally reasonable to me! They both sleep in my mom's bed together at night. Mostly they just hang out and watch a lot of tv, lol. We are a tv-free family, but I figure that is Grammy's fun spoiling time!

If I did not trust my mother, there would not be sleepovers. There will not be sleepovers w/ out us there for dh's parents, either (substance abuse), but his one aunt and uncle and their kids, dd could absolutely spend the night w/ them.


----------



## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

I voted "when weaned", but in actuality it's never because we have no family living in the area. DS won't be allowed to do sleepovers at friends' homes until he reaches the point where he he's able to tell me truthfully and accurately what he has been doing while he's gone from me. I'm not sure what age that happens...maybe 7-8? At 3 yo he's still confuses his stories sometimes.


----------



## Headmeister (Nov 23, 2009)

Well, my mom doesn't watch my DD when I ask her to keep an eye on her so I can go to the bathroom, and my inlaws - my FIL is totally clueless to kids and my MIL has no confidence in her own judgement of what to do (when my DD was 3 months old, my DH was loading things in the car and my DD started crying in the PnP. Instead of caring for my DD, my MIL came running out of the house screaming for my DH saying "she's crying and I dont' know what's wrong! You have to come in here quick!!!"... yeah, not someone you can trust to do the right thing for a child who can't even talk yet).

So I won't allow any sleep overs until I'm sure my DD can tell her grandparents what she needs, what hurts, if she's sleepy, hungry, not feeling well, etc... and then even then, I'm not so sure...lol.


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JoyFilled* 
Should I feel like a bad parent? We are leaving our to-be 14 month for a week in July with friends of ours while we go to Cuba for a wedding.

I voted weaned as when I would leave her.

Don't worry, I am the bad one. My DH and I were in a wedding in Costa Rica when DD was 6 months old and she stayed four nights at her grandparents. I was done nursing at that point & she was a dream baby, so I wasn't worried about her or their ability to keep her happy. Now she is 4.5 and probably spends a night every other month with them. I trust them completely and she adores them.


----------



## ChinaDoll (Jul 27, 2003)

We don't do sleepovers.

DD did stay with my Mom for the 2 nights we were in the hospital having DS, but I knew I could trust her: no guns in the house, no boyfriends or other random people stopping in, no history of abuse. Mom even let DD sleep in her bed since that was the norm for DD. Anyone else? No. DS has never stayed overnight with anyone. And my kids are now 5 and 7.


----------



## hippiemama76 (Jun 11, 2009)

Oh my gosh - ChinaDoll! I remember you from my days mostly lurking on another message board re:fertility. You were such a breastfeeding inspiration to me when I was just starting out!! Thank you so, so much for being you!


----------



## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

I voted when they show interest, with people I trust. We're within an hour drive of all three sets of grand parents (mine are divorced and remarried). However, only my in-laws have offered. DD LOVES to stay there, and is totally spoiled. They are wonderful, respect all parenting choices, etc. MIL usually snuggles with DD in "her room" (FIL has a CPAP machine for sleep apnea and they sleep in separate beds). DS isn't interested yet, he's just shy of 3 now, but I suspect he will be within a few months. They've already offered to take the kids for a weekend, so we can get away, whenever DS is ready. They are simply wonderful, and we see them several times a week. My sister lives with us in an attached apartment and DD likes to sleep upstairs with Aunt Noni. She might move up there, if Aunt Noni would let her







I don't forsee friend sleep overs for a year or so, but who knows, I suppose...


----------



## DCMama01 (Aug 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
Don't worry, I am the bad one. My DH and I were in a wedding in Costa Rica when DD was 6 months old and she stayed four nights at her grandparents. I was done nursing at that point & she was a dream baby, so I wasn't worried about her or their ability to keep her happy. Now she is 4.5 and probably spends a night every other month with them. I trust them completely and she adores them.

Well, you're a model parent compared to me. LOL My DD is 2 weeks old and will start spending the night 1-2 times a month with my mother and sister starting at 2 months! Oh and they watched her last night for 4 hours while I had dinner with girlfriends. My aunt and grandma/grandpa will also have her sometimes (starting around 6 months or earlier). I'll just pump and she'll be fine. My other grandma will babysit her when I go back to work at 4 months.

I was raised by a village and I'm taking that same philosophy with DD.


----------



## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I think it totally depends on the child, but it has been around 2 for us mostly because that is about the time I have another one and I need them to go stay with grandma during the birth and for a few days after.

Currently the older four take turns staying next door because my mil was widowed and she really doesn't want to be alone. We homeschool, so it is no problem for us for them to be gone a couple nights a week. The 3yo is still nursing but not that often.


----------

