# I want one more



## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I am not sure whether this belongs in Fertility, Parents as Partners, Family Planning, or where, so I'll put it here.

I am wondering if anyone here is in a similar situation. Because I am feeling pretty alone...

We have two boys, ages 4 and almost 2. I want one more child (I think ?). Three has always been my ideal number. Also, I am the third and youngest from my family. Three is what would feel complete to me. Two feels like stopping before I have finished.

I just turned 38. DH has been insisting on stopping at two since we had our oldest. He wanted to schedule a v. while I was pregnant with the second and I talked him down from it. Early this month, a close friend lost a son due to complications from birth. His response was to actually scheduled a v. He said he can't go through all the worrying again. I became an emotional wreck, because it was just too much for me to deal with. He has put it off until the beginning of the year when we will have better insurance and I have had time to get mentally stable so I can deal with it.

Since my friend lost her baby and DH put a deadline on this whole v thing, and my birthday which was also this month, I have been really depressed. My emotions are all over the place. I range from deep wrenching sadness, to logical acceptance, to resignation, to fierce burning anger, to desperation, then fear, to not knowing what to do, and then back to sadness.

Logically from the outside, it is easy to say that if the DH doesn't agree to another, it's not right to push for one. And I get that, I really do. And I get all of the logical reasons to stop at two healthy kids. There are at least 50 reasons to stop. I do. I get it. I GET IT !! I just don't feel it.

I think about all the things to look forward to about being done. Finally being able to stabilize my weight, getting the mercury out of my teeth, being able to find more supportive bras, more sleep, things just being easier in general. I want to be done too ! But, I want to be done after three kids. I want to have a wonderful feeling of "pop open the champagne, *it is finished* ! " And behold our beautiful, complete family. When I think of the idea of stopping at three, I feel filled with joy. When I think of stopping at two, I feel tremendously sad.

I don't feel good about pushing him for this. I want him to want it. I have some fears about dragging him into a third child when he is unwilling and has so many fears about it. My own biggest fear is that if something is wrong, if we have a miscarriage or stillbirth, a baby with chronic medical problems, or disabilities, or chromosomal issues, he will never forgive me. On the other hand, my fear about not having a third is that I will always feel that there is a child missing from our family, and that I will not ever be able to completely get over the fact that he shut the door and wondering if I should have fought for what I really felt.

I am coming around to realizing this is probably one of those situations in which I just will not get what I want regarding a very big thing in our lives. Accepting it is not easy because it just feels wrong to me.

Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this, and maybe try to figure out how to cope because I am truly at a loss. Thanks for reading.


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## eirual (Mar 21, 2006)

I could have wrote that post, but we have only one son. I feel the same as you do. I grew up one of six kids, DH the youngest of three, and he insists that siblings are just mean and he doesn't want to 'subject' DS to that







: .

I crave one, DH ademently doesn't want any more. When you both feel so strongly about an issue it's hard.

What makes me feel a bit better at times is to remember that I've commited to a life with HIM, regardless of who else comes along the way. I'd hate to have another without him wanting one, but I'd also hate for him to take drastic measures to ensure we DON"T have another. I feel like we should put the odds in his favour, but not rule out another entirely- i.e. let nature take its course. We are now using FAM with condom back up, I feel that's a decent comprimise, although we do have some issues to work out (like DH ALWAYS wanting a condom since he doesn't want to take ANY chances). Hopefully the more we use it the more he'll trust it.

I don't know where I"m going with this, but those are my thoughts and where we are on the "I want one more" issue.







:


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## sweettalker (Jul 19, 2007)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It is _really_ hard when there's no possible compromise -- you can't have half a baby. That said, I think that these:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llp34* 
I am pretty pissed that he decided for both of us long ago that two was it. I don't believe he has ever considered for a moment how I feel about it or what I want.

are some key sentences in your post. You feel that he's decided for both of you and that he hasn't considered your feelings/wants. That's a _huge_ issue that, imo, should be resolved completely separately from the decision to have another child or not. Those are the kinds of feelings that can undermine a healthy relationship, so I think it's really important for you to figure out what is going on and where those issues are coming from -- in counseling if need be -- _before_ trying to decide about adding another child. Good luck, sweetie.


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## Crunchy*VT*Mom (Apr 3, 2007)

Good luck to you on your decision


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

BTDT in a way, back when I was longing for a second child, hopefully a girl, so strongly that I was going rather obsessive about it.

What I did was write down my feelings, all of them, the pros and cons of having another, and how I felt about those too. Just writing it all down helped. I was acknowledging my feelings in a concrete manner. And it helped me to "get it out of my system" when all the strong feelings were keeping me from sleeping.

Then, eventually, I put it all into a long letter and gave it to DH to digest in his own time.

I also spoke to him, not judgmental about his feelings, acknowledging his feelings even, but also making sure that he knew my feelings as well.

Hope this helps in some small way.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Thank you all for the responses. I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.

Everything he's saying sounds so rational, and mentally healthy. He doesn't believe there is any truth to ideas that there are things we are supposed to do, or children we are supposed to have. These are all just preferences we may have and choices we get to make. On one side, I appreciate his rational approach and hope the process can help me disarm some of my feelings and responses that really carry me away and are causing me a lot of pain and distraction lately. No matter how this turns out, that can definitely be helpful to me. On the other, I do have some spiritual beliefs about things we are meant to do, people we are meant to have in our lives, etc. so I have a difficult time dismissing that there is any truth to those types of feelings. I also wonder if the sense of children we are meant to have is something that only women can feel ? And when we do feel it, are we all just suffering from compulsions and animal instincts to reproduce ?

Aaaaagh !







: Nothing like a little therapy to make you question your strongest, innermost feelings, eh ?


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

i wrote a post just like your last year. i KNEW i was meant to have another. i'd call my kids down for dinner and felt like one was upstairs sleeping or something. i'd take them to the grocery store and when i did a 'head count', i'd panic for a split second, b/c i felt like one was missing. dh was done with 2. one day i sat him down and told him that God has another for us, so he shoul prepare himself. he said 'well, congratulate the father when it happens, b/c it's NOT going to be me!' i said 'haha! funny! you better prepare yourself...!" A couple weeks later, i got pregnant. if you're spiritual and he's not, i think it's wrong of him to tell you that you'e wrong. who is he to know the truth, or what people feel inside? btw, i felt the same as you did... maybe i shouldn't push it, what if something happened and the baby was handicapped, etc. he'd always blame me. then a friend told me that you always have a craving for more babies, so i thought 'ok, maybe that's it', but i KNEW in my heart that it was more than that... i KNEW there was a third just waiting in heaven for me. i cried at the thought of them waiting for me, and me not receiving them. now that i have her, yes, i'd take anymore God gave me, but i don't have that intense desire for another... that KNOWING there's another waiting for me to be their mommy. i understand the emotions you're going through. it sucks! good luck, hon! (oh, and i never wanted _exactly 3 kids_, dh and i come from a family of 4 kids, and i always wanted an even number of children, not an odd number of children. so it's not like i went into this with a preconceived notion of how many i'd like.)
eta: (my dh would say 'how do you KNOW you're meant to have 3 kids, i'd say "i cna't explain it other than, do you _know_ how you're a male? i _know_ i'm a female b/c i can _feel_ it. it's the same way. i _know_ i'm meant to have 3 children, the same way i _know_ i'm a female. i just _know_ it. it doesn't make sense to me either hon, it's just how i feel and i'm not telling you this to talk you into having another baby. i'm telling you b/c your my husband, my friend and i need for you to understand how i feel, b/c i feel so strongly about it.)


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Thanks for your reply - I am glad I am not alone in these feelings that there is supposed to be another child. It is a weird feeling to experience. I get what you mean about the headcount and that "oh no, one is missing !" feeling. And congratulations !

Actually it is not my DH telling me that is not "real", it is the therapist. He's saying that feeling sounds like a compulsion and that a compulsion is not a healthy reason to choose to have another. I get that. But I also wonder if it is impossible for most men to understand a mother's sense that there is another child waiting. Or if I was seeing a therapist who included spirituality in the counseling, if the approach would be different.

One thing I believe, and that is comforting to me, is that if we really are supposed to have another, it will probably work out. And that the involvement of a therapist who doesn't believe in that kind of thing won't affect the outcome. And there is probably a benefit to his approach for me. If I could feel less hysterical about the whole subject, that would be good for us all, regardless of what ends up happening. (see, I'm not crazy....the voices told me to cooperate with the therapist and everything will be FINE ! LOL)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jee'smom* 
iif you're spiritual and he's not, i think it's wrong of him to tell you that you'e wrong. who is he to know the truth, or what people feel inside? good luck!


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

i just edited the end of my post and added more. did you see the whole thing?


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

i just read your reply... who in the h*ll is that therapist to tell you it sounds like a compulsion, instead of something you know in your heart? good grief! and yes, i agree, (and thought the same thing myself before i got pg), 'if the good Lord intends for me to have another, he'll see fit to make it happen!' good luck!


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## PajamaMama (Dec 18, 2004)

We had our 3rd this spring, and she is lovely. Now our family feels complete. 37 is older than many of her future playmates' parents but we are not by any means 'old'. I really think that being older is a reason to have more children, not fewer...as one poster pointed out, they are going to live more of their lives without parents than the children of a 20 year old.







I hope your husband comes around.


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## VijayOwens (Aug 26, 2006)

Oh I have been meaning to post on this lately but just not sure exactly how to express what I am feeling. I can so relate!

I have two daughters, 4.25 and 2.25. I had a very long painful labor (27 hours) with the first but did it naturally in a birthing center. The second was an emergency c-section after 16 hours of labor. So my two less-than-positive birth experiences are a factor, in addition to VBAC worries.

We are also a low-income family. That won't be the case forever, but DH started over in a different field the year our first was born, so he's having to start at the bottom and work his way up. So finances are a concern. The kind of food we want to eat, the kind of experiences we want to have, one more person is one more ticket to everything.

To be the kind of parent I want to be, I just know I couldn't do it with more than 3 kids. Unless I spaced them 3 or more years apart. At 35, that means I really only have time for one more anyway before I'm considered high risk. Or am I already? I don't even know. Birth is so medicalized these days!

Weight: I have not lost a pound since my second was born. I am about 50 pounds overweight. So that is a factor. I know what I need to do, I just worry that I'll work so hard to get the weight off slowly and in a healthy way and then put it right back on again with another pregnancy. I only gain 20-25lbs during the pregnancy but I started out overweight both times.

Nursing: I want to allow my DD to self-wean so that is a factor. I just KNOW that I am not the type to be able to nurse through a pregnancy. I had supply issues with both of my DDs. Had to pump, use a supplementer, take meds, etc. Am I ready to go through that again?

All that goes along with being pregnant and then a parent of a newborn: the heartburn and ligament pain, the night wakings, the teething, the blowouts, the food messes, the pluged ducts, the endless toy cleanup, the colds, the crying, the sheer WORK of caring for a child through those first few years is somewhat daunting to me. But there are so many joys as well . . .

So I guess I'm weighing the pros and cons almost daily and coming up with a different answer moment to moment. When my 4 y.o. is ordering me around and crying over every little thing, and my 2 y.o. is drawing on everything with crayon and peeing all over the house I sometimes feel like NEVER AGAIN.

But when we're all snuggled up together or when I feel those little arms around my neck, I look down at my belly and think, "Am I really never going to be pregnant again? Am I really done?" When my older DD says spontaneously "I love you mommy" or "Mommy you're my best friend" that knocks me out! Or when my younger DD looks at me when she's nursing in a way that says, "You are my universe" how could you help but want to be someone else's universe too?

Help! I want to know too. How do you know if you really want one more or if you're over-romanticizing? How do you convince DH especially after you've said to him, "I'm done," on several occasions.

The other factor is that I just feel like my kids are so amazing . . . how could we not want to bring another smart, loving, talented, beautiful child into the world?

I guess I could just stick to my original plan of becoming a foster parent when I'm ready. My DH was in and out of the foster care system and it quite literally saved his life. We have always wanted to pay that forward. And also we know not all foster parents are great parents so we want to tip the scales in that direction in a small way if we can . . .

-Vijay


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I did now - thank you









No matter how this turns out this is helping me feel better that I'm not just off my rocker for feeling this way. Or that if I am, I'm not the only one









Maybe I can convince DH that while this desire for a 3rd is a form of insanity, just giving in and having another might be cheaper than the years of therapy it would take to get me over it if we don't ? (kidding !)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jee'smom* 
i just edited the end of my post and added more. did you see the whole thing?


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

I could have written the original post as well. I have a son from a previous relationship and my Hubby has a daughter from his previous marriage. For six years, I've wanted a child that was ours. It's just not gonna happen, though. We're got a ton on child support and alimony to pay out monthly to my stepdaughter's Mother and, in my Hubby's reasoning, if something happened to him (not a completely unfounded fear- we almost lost him two years ago and he just hasn't been the same since then), then I would not be able to support myself and my son unless we moved to one of the neighboring, high crime towns, so why would he throw another child in the mix? So I'm praying for an oops someday.







:


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## catemom (Jan 9, 2007)

I have the same feeling. I am currently TTC #2. I am one of three, so I know where it comes from. I just think it sounds kinda lonely only having two kids. DH sees it as one more mouth to feed, clothe, and send to college. I think our partners see it as more of an issue of finance and practicality. Also, DH is one of two, and his sister was not happy about getting a sibling. If we settle on just two kids, I really hope I can live with that, but I do also have that strong feeling that I'm meant to have more than two. I'm glad I'm in good company!


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

Quote:

I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.
This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote: I have seen a counselor alone, twice now. It was DH's idea after I just wasn't handling everything that has gone on this month. Today, we discussed my feelings about having a third child, why they are so strong, why it is such an emotional deal for me, why the idea of not having three is so upsetting to me. He seems to think I am responding to some internal compulsion for three children....like some emotional time bomb I've had buried and I don't really understand the source of the compulsion or the feelings that are coming from it. He is concerned that the decision to have another or not should be a preference, a choice made that is really a choice, and not the result of a compulsion someone feels they can't resist. He wants to figure out where the compulsion is coming from and help me deal with it. Then we could either decide to have another for healthier mental reasons (if by some miracle my DH's mind were to open about it), or I could be part of the decision not to in a healthier mental state, or at least if I still wanted to and DH didn't then I could move on without it being so painful for me and possibly causing problems for us down the road.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri* 
This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?

Good questions. I've also wondered if I should see someone, either by myself or with my Hubby about it, but I wondered what they might say.


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

I can totally see a counsellor helping someone to work through why she wants another child if there's a conflict, but I think that ultimately both partners should be discussing the issue--with the counsellor's assistance to keep the discussion on track and fair.

For me, back when I was longing for DD with my whole heart and mind and soul, writing it out helped. That Mother Nature helped out didn't hurt either though.







But in the meantime, DH and I had some big discussions--or rather, he listened while I shared my feelings, then shared his concerns, which I then acknowledged and answered (refuted in some cases, simply acknowledged in others).


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## adamsfam07 (Sep 9, 2006)

We now have 3 ds, shortly finding out that we were pg with #3 my dh completely changed. He was moody all the time and very distant from me, not at all how he reacted with our other 2 pregnancies. Shortly after we had ds #3 he let me know that he hadn't really wanted any more children after the two we already had. Well, I was completely stunned!







What? We had a miscarriage a year before we got pg with #3 and then had actually tried to get pg on purpose. He had months and months to tell me that he really didn't want anymore. So after we had our ds and brought him home, he didn't have much to do with him at first. I mean he held him and kissed him but none of the excitement was there for him. Well...a few months later we had a huge blow out fight, he informed me that he never wanted any more children that the only reason he "gave" me this child was because he knew I wanted another and especially after the m/c. I just couldn't believe he was telling me these things, we had tried for 6mo to get pg! He had plenty of time to voice his concerns then. I know all this has to do with our finances, we really don't make that much money but we don't go without the things we really need either. It took some time but you couldn't tell by looking now that he ever had any negative feelings. He's definately more "hands on" this time around that he was with our other 2 boys. And even makes comments about us having a 4th! Now, I try not to get too excited just incase he changes his mind, but I truly feel like he really wants another one. I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should. I try to get him to understand that I'm happy without all the expensive things in life he seems to think we need, but I feel that he measures his worth as a husband and father by the things he can provide for us. I hope your dh can listen to you and really take into consideration your feelings before he actually goes through with the V. Good Luck Momma!


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *adamsfam07* 
I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should. I try to get him to understand that I'm happy without all the expensive things in life he seems to think we need, but I feel that he measures his worth as a husband and father by the things he can provide for us.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I was surprised how many people posted along the lines of their Husbands not wanting another for financial reasons.


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

Quote:

I think sometimes men tend to think about money and how they will be able to support their families way more than they should.
In families in which they are the "breadwinner" most definately. It goes with the territory.

I wonder if the men in families with duel incomes feel the same pressure.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Very true....perhaps if we lived in a different type of culture, or were in a type of counseling with a different approach, the therapist would be wondering about my DH's "compulsion" to make sure we don't have more, and trying to figure out where that was coming from.....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri* 
This is all well and good, though I don't much care for the apparent belittling of your feelings by saying they're like a compulsion.

Is he using the same approach to your husband's "like a compulsion" that you all stop at two?

I mean, if your strong feelings are "like a compulsion" wouldn't his strong feelings be also "like a compulsion"?


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I believe his concerns are a little about money, but more about our time and energy. Sometimes it seems like both are stretched very thin with our kids now. Our older child is quite high-needs and it just takes a lot out of us to care for him. He is ready for life to get easier. He is ready to be out of the little kid years. In his mind, another baby means starting over with stuff that to him seems hard.

My feelings are that the investment of time, energy, and money that we make now in caring for our young children is returned many times over, for the rest of our lives. So while I agree that it is work and sometimes it is very hard work, it is very rewarding, and worth every ounce of effort.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri* 
In families in which they are the "breadwinner" most definately. It goes with the territory.

I wonder if the men in families with duel incomes feel the same pressure.


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

i'm in a duel income family and can tell you that my dh is definately the worrier about money!

also, he's going to be a state trooper soon and make alot more than he was (he's in social work right now) and i asked if he'd want more kids with the extra income and he said that it's not just about the money, it's about the time investment too. he wants to give the 3 we have quality time and the more kids you add, the thinner your time is stretched.


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## mary3mama (Apr 2, 2004)

I had 2 boys (now 8 & 4) & really, really felt the pull of another spirit. Initiallt (and for about a year) DH disagreed. I just kept telling him what I was feeling & we kept talking. Finally he agreed to be open to it and now I'm sitting here nursing our nearly 9 month-old daughter.







:


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

I can so sympathize as I am trying to work through a similar situation with my DH. We also have two children and I want a 3rd while by DH doesn't really want anymore. I really truely feel like I have a child missing - if this is a crazy/obsessive feeling then there are alot of crazy people out there.









I don't feel like this feeling will go away and am trying to figure out what I need to do/say to my DH to really help him understand. Though, I am sure he does as this conversation comes up very frequently in our house.

I guess I really wish I knew what DH is thinking as he says he doesn't want anymore, but sometimes he thinks things that he doesn't necessarily share with me if that makes sense? It's kind of like when we wanted a new puppy - he said no over and over and finally he agreed. He now loves the dog and she is part of our family. I guess I just wish I knew if he would change his mind you know.

We have casual conversations and ones where he jokingly will say "let's make a baby" only to go and grab a towell (I know, TMI). At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no. I know that he knows this is a very real topic for me and that it's not going to go away - he even said that this weekend when I apologized for bringing this up constantly. He said he knew it was still going to come up.

I truely wish that he would just change his mind and agree.

On a side note: I wander if dreams come true?? I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant with Twins (a boy/girl).

If anyone has a thoughts on what to say/do to help the situation I would greatly appreciate hearing them and I look forward to hearing more on this topic.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

My DH has done this too. He has times when he has the "urge" to make a baby. But then later after the urge has passed he hopes it didn't happen and become even more resolved that he doesn't want it to.

When he treats it casually, it really tears me up. My hopes go swinging wildly up and then come crashing down. It hurts when he treats this lightly because it is such a huge thing to me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fantesia28* 
At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no.


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

I understand what you mean... as my husband does the same things. In fact, we always use the pull out method and one time late last year we dtd while I was on my period and he didn't pull out as he knows that you can't get pregnant while on your period "typically". He said that the next day he was kicking himself for doing that and has never done it again. If only he would have done that the month I ovulated on day 8!!







:

When he makes jokes about it - sometimes it really hurts because it's like he doesn't understand how much I want this. Other times it makes me think - maybe he is thinking about it, maybe he will change his mind. Afterall, if he was sure he was done why would he make comments about having another one or what would we do if we had another in this situation, etc. That is when I truely don't understand and am hoping that i am not setting myself up to be hurt alot based upon the fact that i am getting my hopes up over nothing.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Me too. Part of me wants to keep a little flame of hope burning inside, that this can work out for us to both be on board with having another child. But I am almost too afraid to keep up any belief in this, no matter how small, because it may very well end up that it won't, and I will end up with a corner of my heart broken off.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fantesia28* 
... That is when I truely don't understand and am hoping that i am not setting myself up to be hurt alot based upon the fact that i am getting my hopes up over nothing.


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## twogreencars (Oct 24, 2006)

I was exactly where you are. DH did not want kids. I did. Close to 30 I said - kids or no relationship - we'd been together 7 years at that point. We had DS. He then said fine to another. We had DD 3 years later. When DD was 2-3, I wanted another. He said NO MORE and gave lots of excuses. Like you, I felt something was missing. To make a long story short, I tried to convince him for years. I just felt this big hole, where #3 should be...DH talked about having a v. Finally AFTER YEARS, he agreed to try. It was TOUGH going as we were both "ancient", but last year, we had DD#2. DS was 12 and DD#1 was 9. The baby is AN ABSOLUTE JOY! It now feels like everything is complete (babywise, that is!) and DH and I both feel like she is what was missing.

Good luck, I do know what you are going through!


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## sammythecat (Mar 10, 2007)

I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact) waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.


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## shellyma (Dec 13, 2005)

I have been watching this thread with great interest as I am also in the same position.

We have three children and I desperately want another. I love being pregnant, despite the SPD and MS, and I love the newborn stage, feeding during the night, slinging etc, and I also love when they become that little bit more independant. My DP says "no way". I resent him already for not letting me complete our family, but what can I do? I can't destroy our family because of it. But I am so upset and depressed about his decision, because he has all the power. It is not a financial issue for us, he simply says he doesn't want anymore.

My closest friend gave birth yesterday and I am afraid to go and see her and the baby because I know it is going to push me into a deeper depression. I am very happy for her but it will just remind me that I won't get it again. I realise I am very lucky to be able to have children at all, and I am completely grateful for the ones I have, but I still have a hole in me.....

Shelly


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## maybebaby (Dec 24, 2001)

Here too







seems there are lots of us









But I was in your (op's) shoes 6 yrs ago...we got pg with #3 when my body decided to ovulate super early lol (that's what you get for assuming you're a FAM expert







) and I thought I'd be done. Then a while later the old baby longing started and we had #4. I was sure I would be done, but now here I am again feeling the need for #5. Will it ever end lol Dh says no...but then when I go to give away the baby clothes he says "you never know" lol

I agree that men seem to focus on the time and money issues mostly.

I also agree that the therapist is a bit off to be calling it a compulsion. But then, I'm of the mind that if it's meant to happen, it'll happen and there are some things we're meant to do we have no control over.

I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted







:

Good luck ladies!


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maybebaby* 
I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted







:

No, no ducking. It's true. I just wish I could convince my Hubby of that.


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sammythecat* 
I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and *I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact)* waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.


i _knew_ that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jee'smom* 
i _knew_ that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?

I always thought I was supposed to have a girl. Whne I was four months pregnant with my son, all of a sudden I "knew" he was a boy, and it was comfirmed about two weeks later and I spent the rest of my pregnancy with similar thoughts- What if it was a "mistake" and God meant to give me a girl? What if God realizes his "mistake" and takes him back? Then, when I married my Hubby and got my stepdaughter, I thought, What is this is God's way of giving me a little girl? What if this is the only little girl I'll ever have, this daughter who will never be my daughter? I love both my children more than anything. IO would not give my son up for the world, wouldn't have even thought of trading him for a daughter, once I knew who he was (at four months pregnant). And I love my stepdaughter no less than I would love her if she was my "real" child, but it's just not the same. She's not "mine", she's another woman's. We're not "allowed" to have a Mother/Daughter relationship, although I can't imagine us being closer if she was my "real" daughter. I've always "known" that I would have a daughter and she would be named Hannah. I sure hope I'm right.


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## twogreencars (Oct 24, 2006)

It is weird. With DS 12 years ago, he was supposed to be a girl. But guess what, he wasn't.









DH and I do feel that DD#3 is the girl we were waiting for 12 years ago. Weird, eh? She's the spitting image of her brother and we named her the name we were going to name DS had he been a girl. She's the same Chinese and astrological signs, too. Same mellow personality. It feels like she was waiting all this time to join our family. Weird.


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## Birth&Bunnies (Jan 3, 2007)

Dh had a vasectomy the end of July. This was after a couple years of him giving me time to accept it. We decided to use the 12 condoms we bought for after and then be done with protection. We have changed insurance and will have to wait to test his count. I have always wanted another, while not always ideal in some areas of life. Dh doesn't like kids, just our dd. We have talked about adoption of a 2-4 y.o. since the baby phase is apparently a big obstacle for Dh. I want to start the ball even if right now is busy/stressful since it takes so long by then things will have calmed down in the adjusting to a new job department. Dh isn't sure, and since the process is arduous, you really have to be sure. Now I'm actively keeping track of cervical mucous and other cycle symptoms in the hope that there are some swimmers around.


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## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

I love this thread. I actually set the table for 5 people twice in the last week, even though there are currently only 4 in our family.

I just know there is another soul out there that I am meant to birth.

Luckily DH is on board, though somewhat tentatively at the moment. We're not going to TTC for another 6 months at least. I would like my youngest to be almost 2 when I get pg again.

OP -- I must say that I personally feel it is a bit unfair for your DH to be so adamantly against another child, when it is obviously truly very important to you. GL


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

Augustine,
I have to say that I totally agree - I also think it's unfair for our DH to make this decision for us... BUT, I also don't know that I think it's fair to force them into something if they truely truely do not want any more kids.









Congrats on being able to TTC soon!









So last night we had a conversation that went like this:

So last night after the kids were in bed I kept contemplating saying something to my DH about not trying for a baby, but not preventing. I had decided that the timing just wasn't right as I didn't just want to bring it up out of nowhere. So&#8230; we were laying in bed and the perfect opportunity came - my hubby rolled over and told me he loved me and I said, "how much do you love me". He replied, not enough to have a baby. L So&#8230; I then took his opening line to say, well since I really want a baby and you are not sure if you do or don't want a baby at this point. Why don't we try something new- How about we not try to get pregnant, but maybe not be overly cautious all the time and see what happens. I said, maybe we should leave it in God's hands - then he proceeds to say, that doesn't make any sense (he caught on too quickly), plus I have "super sperm" and one time will get you pregnant. I told him that wasn't true and he said, but don't you remember we only tried "once" for our son and you were on top (I know too much info) and you got pregnant that time. He said, I thought I might have gotten to try more than once!! So I said, well I am almost 10 years older now and things just don't happen that quickly when you are older - he says, but I always heard that you couldn't get pregnant with a girl on top because of gravity - that wasn't true. I said, well you shouldn't believe everything that you hear, because common sense would say that you can get pregnant either way!! I said we could just try having casual bd once in a while and see what happens, it might be fun. J He said, yeah and then we will be broke. L I proceeded to say, well life is way too short not to fulfill your dreams and we wouldn't be broke forever (we really have enough money anyway) and when the kids are all older we will look back and say I am so glad we had all of our kids. Afterall at that point I told him he would thank me for talking him into having another child because he would definitely miss that one if he/she wasn't there. At that point he was falling asleep or at least acting like he was - so I don't know if he was thinking or not. L He didn't totally reject the idea, but didn't say yes either. He really just focused on having super sperm. So&#8230; now I am totally analyzing this conversation looking for clues to a yes, when in reality I don't think he really every implied a yes, didn't necessarily argue though and outright say - I don't want anymore kids.

I truely am looking for outsiders insight as to how you think the conversation went. He really didn't say anything either way and then went to sleep.







He could have been thinking anything.

I think I was so insecure with his response that I then went on to dream he was cheating on me.







I know in real life he is not, it just must have been my subconcious dealing with the feeling of being alone on this topic.


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

Birthnbunnies~ I understand - if you are going to consider adoption it doesn't hurt to at least get the process started!


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I'm sorry you are in this position....I hope that works out for you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Birth&Bunnies* 
Dh had a vasectomy the end of July........ Now I'm actively keeping track of cervical mucous and other cycle symptoms in the hope that there are some swimmers around.


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## mama to 2 girls (Dec 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fantesia28* 
I can so sympathize as I am trying to work through a similar situation with my DH. We also have two children and I want a 3rd while by DH doesn't really want anymore. I really truely feel like I have a child missing - if this is a crazy/obsessive feeling then there are alot of crazy people out there.









I don't feel like this feeling will go away and am trying to figure out what I need to do/say to my DH to really help him understand. Though, I am sure he does as this conversation comes up very frequently in our house.

I guess I really wish I knew what DH is thinking as he says he doesn't want anymore, but sometimes he thinks things that he doesn't necessarily share with me if that makes sense? It's kind of like when we wanted a new puppy - he said no over and over and finally he agreed. He now loves the dog and she is part of our family. I guess I just wish I knew if he would change his mind you know.

We have casual conversations and ones where he jokingly will say "let's make a baby" only to go and grab a towell (I know, TMI). At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no. I know that he knows this is a very real topic for me and that it's not going to go away - he even said that this weekend when I apologized for bringing this up constantly. He said he knew it was still going to come up.

I truely wish that he would just change his mind and agree.

On a side note: I wander if dreams come true?? I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant with Twins (a boy/girl).

If anyone has a thoughts on what to say/do to help the situation I would greatly appreciate hearing them and I look forward to hearing more on this topic.









I could have written this post! Down to the very last word!!









I have been watching this thread lately and it is so comforting to know I am not alone!

My dh knows how sensitive I am about this subject and yet he will still say things like....alright lets try for a boy! Only to laugh and tell me I am crazy, when I get excited!







:

We have had a couple "oops" moments over the last few months and I have obsessed over EVERY little symptom each time only to come up with NOTHING! Unfortunetly neither of us are super fertile!














:

I just keep hoping each month for another "oops" (dd2 was an "oops" baby). I have a feeling this is the only way I am going to have another.








The newborn stage is REALLY awful for both of us, neither of us like it, but i still feel like I have one more in me.

Only problem is dh kind of knows when I am fertile







I guess I should quite telling him and writing down on the calendar when I have AF!







That way when he asks me if it's "safe", I'll say SUUURREE!







I know I am evil!


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

It sounds like maybe he got tired of talking about it and stopped. It's hard to know if anything you said may have had some influence after he thought about it for a while or not. For you, I hope so.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *fantesia28* 
I truely am looking for outsiders insight as to how you think the conversation went. He really didn't say anything either way and then went to sleep.







He could have been thinking anything.
.


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## RetroMom (Nov 20, 2006)

We're going through the same thing... We have 3 kids, and I KNOW we're supposed to have 4. I've dreamed about having another baby boy many times. Told my dh, and he doesn't want any more kids. He's almost 43, and I'm barely 36---not too old, but not quite young either. My heart breaks to think of us not having another baby; it feels like a part of me is missing. I love the children I have and am so grateful to have them, but...I just cannot shake that nagging feeling of there being one more baby we're supposed to have. The only regrets I've ever heard from anyone were for not having more children, not for having too many.
BTW....I'm a couple days late. Hmmmm.....







:


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## sea_joy (Aug 5, 2006)

The "compulsion" word is stuck in me head. It seems to me that a "compulsion" is a psychological thing, feeling in your heart you have another baby to have is another.

Reducing a woman's "desire" to have a child is to reduce womankind to an errtic bundle of nerves and hormones, unable to control herself, and unable to understand why.

I have two more kids to have, (My Mom is always trying to tell me to have four, but nope, there will be three). DH and I talk a lot about child spacing, sometimes he'll say- "I don't want any more kids" but that's just when he feels overwhelmed. Then he'll say he wants more. I just came back to pre-pregnancy weight, and I'm thinking about trying again.

Actually DH and I don't "try" and we don't "Not Try" our method of birth control is pulling out, and just waiting to see what happens. The only problem with this is that every month we have to deal with "am I or aren't I?".

Anyway, I will end up having two girls and a boy...I just know it








Crystal


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## filiadeluna (Oct 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llp34* 
I am pretty pissed that he decided for both of us long ago that two was it. I don't believe he has ever considered for a moment how I feel about it or what I want.

I can completely relate to that sentence. We are TTC #1 right now, but my husband has made it clear that he absolutely doesn't want more than 2, and that he will get a vasectomy as soon as #2 is born. That really made me angry, frustrated, and sad.







: For all I know, two may be enough once I get to that point, but as of right now I would like to have 3.

I just don't understand why our DH's think it is their decision alone.







: If I told him I didn't want any kids, he would feel the same way - angry, frustrated, and sad. Sometimes it is the other way around where husbands want more kids than the wives do, but WE are the ones who have to carry them!!!

How much different is it going to be to have one more child once we have two? It's not like he has to give birth to any of them, you know? It just irks me. I don't really have any advice because I am in a similar situation, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I am an only child, and while it was nice to not have to share & to get all the attention, I missed out on having automatic playmates and all the good things that can come from having siblings.

Oh, and another reason I would like more than 2 is because I desperately want at least one daughter (wouldn't mind if I had all girls, but a mix is fine), and our chances would be better with more children. If I end up with two boys and he won't agree to more, I will be severely depressed. I have a difficult time relating to little boys because I am super-girly. Plus, I was raised by my mother & we were and still are very close. I don't want to miss out on the opportunity for a mother-daughter bond like that. Boys can be wonderful too, I know this, but it's just not the same as having at least one child the same gender as me.


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