# Loss Mama's Chat Thread



## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Thought I'd start a new thread. All baby/pregnancy loss mamas are welcome! This thread is a safe place to jump in, say what you're feeling and find support for your loss.

You can talk about TTC issues in the TTC after loss thread as there may be some on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread. Do not feel that you have to reply to everyone. I think many people don't post as they are worried about leaving someone out. If all you can do is post an update on yourself we would be glad to hear it!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I've been gone for a little while, but here I am again - hanging out here. There's always something that brings me back here. I'm coming close to 11 months since my loss, which I sort of can't believe. I'm mostly in a good place. Mostly.

I'm going to have my yearly check up with my doctor soon, and I'm looking forward to telling him about several things that his office and my midwife did that really frustrated me during my loss (rushing me into a D&C, being insensitive about the loss). My doctor himself was really wonderful, so I feel okay about telling him these things and I'm hoping I can stop feeling so mad about them after I tell him how I feel.

My good friend who got pregnant at the same time as me had her healthy baby boy this summer. They live out of state and so I've had plenty of distance and haven't seen him. I'm really happy for them, of course. But their baby reminds me of the one I lost. And they're coming to visit this week. It's been three months, so I mean, I feel like I should be ready to see this baby and love on him and be okay. They aren't insensitive by having a baby or anything. But I'm still feeling really anxious about seeing him. I'm worried I'll cry and it will be weird. Or I'm worried I won't feel anything and then I'll feel guilty. I don't know. I don't know what to feel.

I know this baby is not my baby - and so this shouldn't be such a big deal, right? I think, like most things, I've just built it up, and it's the anticipation that's worrying me more than anything. So, it will probably be fine in a few days.

Who else is hanging around?


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## pregnova (Aug 28, 2011)

I'm so sorry that you'll be dealing with a visiting babe who will be such a reminder of your loss. That must be a difficult thing to be facing. I hope the visit goes well and it brings you added healing...

I only just lost mine. And, I've had two before...very early though...one I didn't even realize was a miscarriage until months later and one that happened the day after I tested positive. Both of those were...difficult emotionally, but physically quick and easy. This one was a mind blower. Seriously. Physically hard and drawn out, and emotionally a roller coaster of emotion that I still haven't sorted out.

I have no idea where I am. A good place...a bad place? I really don't know. I think I'm probably still completely numb to it. After such a drawn out affair, I feel left with more questions than answers and not enough closure. I think I was prepared for a very early loss, but once I got past 4 and then 5 weeks, I felt SO confident in the pregnancy. It's really shaken my confidence, and now I'm the one telling dp that we have to wait a while before there's any possibility of trying again. I had already knit a sweater and a hat, and there's still an unfinished baby blanket that I just can't even bear to look at for all the reminders of my excitement for that lost little one.

Anyway, the worst part about all of it is that my sister in law is also pregnant. Our babies had due dates less than two weeks apart. It's pretty much agony to hear how her pregnancy is going and to KNOW that this reminder won't go away ever. This will be my little niece or nephew. It was SO exciting to be pregnant with someone else...and we grew very close over that short bit of time when we were trying to conceive and then finding ourselves pregnant...and now it's a struggle. It makes me sad though I try to push that away because it should be happy thing for them and I know that deep down I'm very happy for them and excited to meet this baby. I just wish I could have mine as well...


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Pregnova- nice to meet you. I'm so sorry for your losses. How long ago was your first one? I definitely think there's a numb/denial phase initially, and, for me at least, the grief gets worse before it gets better. I'm so sorry you're going through this now. I wasn't trying to conceive when I got pregnant, so I know it was a little different for me. But I was glad to have a break after my loss. I kind of wanted some time to just remember that baby before I tried to start thinking about another, you know? I'm glad I did, I think it was healing for me. I hope you find some healing too.

Sounds like your situation with your sister-in-law is very similar to me and my friend. I was very okay with her pregnancy at first, and then very not okay with it as she prepared for her beautiful perfect birth. But then after it got a little better. I don't think women who haven't had a loss always get why their pregnancies can be hurtful to us - and since our friendship is so important to me, I tried to remember that. To make sure that she didn't have to bear the burden of my feelings, if that makes sense. We live far apart though, so that made it easy. I guess if she was in my life everyday we might have had to talk about it more. In some ways, I'm glad he's there - it makes me think, I'll never forget how old my Nicholas should have been because I'll always have this living reminder. But, of course, that's kind of painful too. I'm trying to think of it positively though.


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## pregnova (Aug 28, 2011)

My first loss was a little less than 4 years ago. First time 'accident' with dp that ended when I thought that I caught the stomach flu...vomiting, a lot of pain and cramping...only later did I realize that rather than the flu, those were symptoms of my miscarriage. For months I blamed myself for not having been 'healthier' to avoid the stomach bug. *sigh*

About three months after that one, we found ourselves pregnant again (not really trying, not really preventing) and I miscarried easily and painlessly the day after my positive.

6 months later, and I was about ready to just give up on ttc, and I found myself preggo with ds. I overreacted with him, and for the first trimester, we saw OB after OB for blood draws, ultrasounds, ect... to confirm that the pregnancy was developing normally. All ended well, and I sort of thought my early losses were flukes. I was under a lot of stress, a lot in life was changing for me at that point, and I found it easy to blame the losses on inappropriate timing...if that makes sense.

With this most recent one, DP said yes (finally) to ttc #2, and we found ourselves preggo just 2 weeks later. It was shocking to happen so quickly, and I was startled to find myself a bit gun-shy about the whole thing. A bit detached in the first week or two. And then I threw myself into it, we told everyone only to begin spotting the very night I had told. *sigh* And now I'm in a position where I just don't understand what happened and beginning to wonder if all my miscarriages are somehow linked...if there's something wrong?

And, it certainly doesn't help to have a close family member with a due date so close to mine! I don't think she understand at all. Not that she's been insensitive in the slightest...but I imagine it's impossible to understand anything about this situation without experiencing a loss yourself. And, it's certainly got to be impossible to be thinking about ME, while experiencing that thrill of growing a baby yourself. I get it, I really do, but it doesn't make it easier...


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## youngspiritmom (Mar 5, 2010)

I just finished miscarrying. I don't feel like retyping the whole story, but I do feel like just talking about my feelings.

The first is that my own family members (sister, husband, mom) don't know how to talk to me about it or even recognize how DEEPLY it has affected me. I don't blame them at all, I get it. But it has left me feeling alone, aloof, and empty.

My main feeling is a feeling of not knowing where to go from here in my life. I am having a hard time being interested in anything or feeling as passionate about my "plans" for my life ever since my plan for this baby didn't work out. I am the type of person who likes to be in control, have a 5 year plan so that life turns out the "right" way or the way I think is best, and I really feel like God is trying to teach me to stop being like this since 1) my first pregnancy was not part of the plan and 2) my second pregnancy WAS planned but resulted in a m/c.

I wish I felt some sort of joy or direction in my life, but for some reason this miscarriage has really made me feel like things are meaningless.....

I sort of do look forward to trying to conceive again, but a part of me feels like that is just my attempt to "get back on track with the plan" and that doesn't feel right either.....

*Sigh*









Advice, hugs, and friendship needed.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Youngspiritmom - I'm so sorry for your loss. How far along were you?

I feel like I say this a lot, but I think its so important to do something to honor the loss: whether you feel comfortable with a memorial service or burial, or you want to plant a tree, donate to a charity in honor of your baby, whatever feels right to you. It gives you something proactive to do, which can be helpful, but it also helps others around you see what you're feeling and even shows them how to respond. My family didn't know how to talk to me much either, which was frustrating. But when they came to visit later they all asked to see the small grave where we buried our little one. I think, because we gave him a grave, they knew the proper way to act. It can be the same with a tree, or lighting candles, or making a scrapbook - just let them know what you're doing and then they'll have an idea of how you want them to respond (watching the tree as it grows, also lighting candles, looking at your scrapbook).

I also think it helps to name your baby because it acknowledges that your baby was a real person, and people understand your grief is about a person, not just the loss of a pregnancy. (IF - that's how your feeling. You may not, and that's okay, too.) It means so much to me when people call my baby by his name.

About feeling directionless, I'm so sorry. I'm learning (almost a year since my loss) that grief is a journey that takes many forms and turns. You won't always feel the way you do right now, but you do have to move through this. We were talking on the summer chat thread about something like this. I think many of us said we alternated between angry unhealthy phases (drinking or shopping too much) and productive healthy phases (taking on projects and being active). I'm kind of grateful for both phases - it helps to get out some of that anger, but it can also be very healing to do something positive.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *youngspiritmom*
> 
> I just finished miscarrying. I don't feel like retyping the whole story, but I do feel like just talking about my feelings.
> 
> ...


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## pregnova (Aug 28, 2011)

Well, I had a midwife's appt. today and a trip to the ER yesterday due to my left side being swollen under the rib and having an uneven abdomen along with some back pain. Everything checked out at the ER, and I got a quantitative HCG count of 23. Which gives me my finality to this because I will now test negative on a home test after testing faint positive just three days ago. So...the risk of infection is over, the miscarriage is completing itself very well, and I'm healthy.

My midwife appt. went well. We were able to talk about the miscarriage and work out why it may have dragged out as long as it did and why I might have had the symptoms I did. I also got her to do a pelvic and double check this bizarre swelling that is a bit uncomfortable under my rib. She seems to think that it's something to do with the digestive tract getting back to normal after pregnancy and claims she's had others after giving birth complain of the same discomfort, so I feel better about that too. She seems to think that with the blood loss I described, and not seeing any grey tissue, that this may have been a blighted ovum....or rather a pregnancy where there was never a developing fetus. Which, is relieving to hear in some odd way.

So. It's over. and I'm feeling better about all this, but still a bit shell-shocked.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Wow, the swelling thing is new to me. I'm glad everything seems to be normal though. And I'm glad it over, too - you sound like you're doing well. Hope you continue to find peace and healing.

I bought a Christmas Cactus last year after our loss because I knew it would bloom every year around this time. It is covered in buds today that are going to be so beautiful when they open.

I feel so happy and sad about it. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year. We just had the Halloween party, that I threw up at last year, while hooked up to a zofran pump. And my husband is already excited about the Christmas parade - last year, we went, and I was finally beginning to feel normal again after my hyper-emesis, and I was finally beginning to feel excited about the pregnancy. And the next morning I was looking at my baby on the ultrasound with no heartbeat. I don't want to ruin the holidays and the christmas parade and all of the things that we love - but they are such strong reminders of what I lost.

I'm not angry or depressed anymore, i think, but still sad. I'm trying to transmute it into a positive thing - but I don't really know how.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I know what you mean Wilson. My first baby's due date was January 5th, 2010, but I knew that I would have to have a c section around 37 weeks, so I should have had a Christmas baby. And I wasn't one of those people that thought that was bad. I thought that would be the best present ever. Christmas Day in hospital? No problem!

Even though it wasn't my actual due date or anything, I find Christmas really hard. Even this year, I can't help thinking that I should have a two year old - a child old enough to really enjoy Christmas.

Instead, I'll probably eat, sleep and drink my way through it.

I know this will probably sound awful, because I know I'm only mentioning first loss here. Honestly, after that, I never got really attached to the due dates of the others. In fact, I probably couldn't even tell you what they all should have been. I know the pregnancy milestones, but the due dates - not really. I don't know if it was because this one was my first, or because it was Christmas, but it just really stuck with me.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Milk, I'm glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you daily.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I think that's understandable after all you've been through. I imagine at some point you stop thinking about the future and just focusing on right now?

My daughter asked me the other day if I was sad about baby Jesus being born. I kind of laughed and said, "no, that makes me happy." And she said, "but you're sad because you wish he was here?" I asked her, "do you mean our baby, baby Nicholas?" And she said yes. Since all of that happened around Christmas, plus we were really trying to teach her about Christmas that year, she really got it all mixed up. It cracks me up that she thinks I'm the mother of Jesus. I guess naming him Nicholas might make it that much more confusing.







I bought some picture books about Christmas and Saint Nicholas for this year, maybe that will help her get it sorted out.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am struggling this month. There are a lot of events triggering my grief and I am not coping well. I found out the day after Iris' birthday party (at 9 1/2 weeks) that Emmanuel was gone and it was a long and bloody miscarriage that took almost 2 weeks to complete, leaving me anemic and wiped out right at Thanksgiving.

All of that started the hardest year of my life. 3 miracle pregnancies after 7 1/2 years of infertility, all missed miscarriages that completed around 10 weeks. The last one we saw a heartbeat at 8 weeks and everything looked great, 2 weeks later the baby was gone and had been since what looked like right after that ultrasound.

Emmanuel was due in June, completed the miscarriage in November.

April was due late November, completed the miscarriage in April.

Angel was due in March, d&c in August.

I actually posted something on my Facebook the other day about November being hard and holding a lot of memories, and with the support I got the old "Be grateful for what you have and get over it" type post. She apologized later, but it stuck with me like the positive comments did not. Ugh.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Ugh, so sorry sagewinna. I try to avoid saying anything meaningful on facebook - it never ends well.

I'm sorry for all the triggers, too. I guess the holidays are just always difficult.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Facebook is the devil.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Facebook is the devil.


I so agree.

I lost our son.. stillborn 18 years ago. I still set him a place at the table if I'm very busy or distracted. No one but another loss mama could understand that.

Hugs to all you who've walked these shoes.. they sure suck sometimes, don't they?


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## pregnova (Aug 28, 2011)

Such a hard time of year for so many of you...I can't even begin to imagine the sense loss some of you have felt and still feel. I feel a bit silly to be so hung up on a loss that may not have even ever BEEN a developing fetus...not to mention one before the trimester was even out, but I guess it's more the letting go of the dream you had for THAT pregnancy and child.

It took over 2.5 yrs to convince my dp that we were ready for another, and while I DO want/need to wait for a next pregnancy until I'm more at peace with all of this. I also know that it will be even harder to convince my dp. Which makes me sad...sometimes it feels like this miscarriage might cause me to 'miss' my chance at a second, although I know that's not true...just that it might take a while before we try again...maybe longer than I'd actually like to wait.

There's not much of a holiday trigger to my miscarriage...maybe halloween? But, as awful as it is to say, I'm dreading when my sister-in-law actually gives birth. We were less than two weeks apart, and it wouldn't be crazy if she happened to deliver on what would have been "my" due-date. *sigh* I was visiting my in-laws this past week, easier to find a midwife up there for a check-up, and I went through all of our baby stuff we had in storage to pull out the things she could have for her coming baby. I won't lie, it was hard. I'm so glad to be able to help her in any way I can..and I'm so excited to have a new baby in the family at large, but sheesh, I hope it's easier to deal once that baby actually arrives. I don't want it to be a reminder of my loss...but somehow they seem very closely tied together...


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## Murph12334 (Nov 12, 2003)

Back in March I miscarried. Not planned by any means. In many ways not having the baby was a good thing, in a way. However, in many ways it was not. Here I am now just a few days away from the due date. I find my mind drifting to being pregnant, to giving birth, to having another baby. Just days away and I know I'll be a mess. When I miscarried in March I just felt numb. I didn't cry for the longest time. I just felt frozen.

I remember with my first crying all the time. Now I do cry for the second. But it took a long time. I couldn't cry and felt even worse about it. Like if I were any real mother I would be able to cry for my loss.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Hiya all,

I don't know how I;m going to feel when the due dates come around. I thought I'd be okay come March because I would have been 6 months pregnant, but instead I'll just have had two losses. I feel really bitter about things at the moment.

You know I had a scan two weeks ago and the baby was measuring small. I called the Dr. and spoke to the nurse and they treated me like I was an over zealous, anxious idiot. Everyone was reassuring me that everything was fine, and yesterday I went to see my friend/GP and she was exactly the same... "zub, you are 8 weeks pregnant'.... me: 'No, I am almost 10 weeks and the baby was measuring small. I had a positive test NINE days past ovulation, at 14dpo my hCG was 377. At 7 and a half weeks my hCG was almost 200,000. It was just awful to be so patronized as though I have no Goddamn clue. I was practically begging for another scan and so she sent me for one, and, well, yes, the baby had died. So I feel bitter and angry that people treat you like morons.

Sorry this is so negative but I am in a really awful place right now.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Oh, Zubeldia, I'm so sorry to see you back here. How heartbreaking, and frustrating that the doctors weren't listening to you. I don't know what else to say, just I'm so sorry.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

hey, everyone, I just wanted to say that I changed my user name for privacy sake - but it's still me.  Hope my profile pic is a good enough reminder.


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## Murph12334 (Nov 12, 2003)

Tomorrow is the due date, sigh


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm hoping its somehow healing for you. We'll be thinking of you.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Murph12334*
> 
> Tomorrow is the due date, sigh


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

I'm back again as well. This freakin' sucks!! Three losses in ten months. I just wanted one more baby so Bug could have a sibling to grow up with...but even IF I get pregnant again (and now I'm supposed to wait 3-6 months before trying again to give my body time to recover), I will probably have to take progesterone through the first trimester and even then there's no guarantee of a take home baby...and Bug was going to be about to turn three when this last one was to arrive...so even IF we get a take home baby after all this heartache they will be so spaced apart they will never be in close stages of childhood now.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry, Rainey! I hate that you're back here.

Murph, how are you doing today?


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Oh Murph, sending love. How are you holding up?

Rainey, you know I am right there with you. It is miserable and I am so sorry. We both have boys the same age and we too wanted them to be closer in age but that is not going to happen. BUT, you know when siblings really matter is when they;re older and can be friends as well as siblings. All my sisters are much older than me, and I am most close to one who is 6 years older. When I was 20 we started to get much, much closer... so I think that even with a big gap siblings can be so special.

Lollie, I like your new name 

I just started a new blog...

http://threeplusonehope.wordpress.com/


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Zub, what you said is true. My sisters are 9, 12, and 15 years younger than me and the one I'm the closest to is the 12 years younger one. She's actually sitting here in my living room across from me reading right now. As soon as she got the news my baby was gone she offered to come stay with me for a few days to help out with Bug and the house and just be a comfort to me. It took her a little over a day till she could get away and get here, but she arrived yesterday afternoon and is staying through Saturday. She's kinda like a younger, more conservative version of me and I love her bunches for being with me right now.

That doesn't stop me from being sad that should we have another they will be so far apart they will most likely not be close enough to play together much. But if I do end up with another, at least I know Bug will be a good and nurturing big brother.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Rainey, I'm still so, so sorry this happened. I know that it's possible to grieve over things like spacing while you're grieving the loss of the child. I think that many of us can reassure you that the spacing isn't as important as you would think. My youngest two (assuming this baby lives, sigh) will be almost 5 1/2 years apart. It's a whole lot more than I would have liked, but we don't always have control over it. I hope that you have a rainbow baby around the corner. (((hugs)))


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your crappy news Rainey. I knew there would be a few of us that wouldn't "make it", but that doesn't make it any nicer when it happens.

My first three losses were in a really short time as well, about ten months. It was not cool.

Did they identify a progesterone issue with you?

@ Lollie - dammit all you people changing usernames makes it too hard...







I'm staring, thinking - do I know this person?? But yes, the profile pic is the giveaway.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Milk, I'll go back tomorrow for another blood draw for them to compare levels and then next week I'll have a follow-up appointment with a midwife just to discuss everything with her. I do know that I was about 21,000-something on my HCG on Monday (at 9wks/1day) and my progesterone was I think 6.9? They said the HCG was high for not being able to see a baby in the sac, so they determined it was a blighted ovum (which I still totally consider a baby since it fertilized and implanted before it stopped developing)...and they said that based on dating that the progesterone was a bit low (though I have no idea what it should have been). I do know my progesterone was a bit low with Paisley too...so if I do decide to keep plugging along trying for another one (after a few months break to let my body recoup) then I will probably have to go on progesterone the second I get a BFP.

Right now I am at a point to just want to get my house in order, get Bug at least daytime potty trained and work on letters/numbers/colors and the like with him, and get my body back in shape. I want to get a bike and bike trailer/jogger combo and start walking and biking. I also want to get back into hooping for sure and maybe some more bellydancing and want to lose the gut I never lost between Paisley and Waverley as well as a few pounds. I don't even want to think of TTC (once the bleeding stops and the midwife visit has happened) for a few months at least.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

That number does sound low, so it is good that they are going to do something about it. Most doctors seem to like it to be around 20 or higher in early pregnancy.

I'm doing the same thing. Getting the things organised, decluttering and losing my (still looks kinda pregnant) belly


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Rainey, I am sorry to see you back.  So sorry for your loss. My 3 were all within about 10 months as well. Murph, I am thinking about you.


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## buterflymomma (Jan 6, 2010)

I just miscarried my baby yesterday.This is my story. I am just so heartbroken over this, I don't know how I am supposed to heal. (There may be triggers here. Please use caution when deciding to read or not)

I knew something was wrong from about 2 weeks after I got my positive hpt. I just didn't feel pregnant. This one felt so different from my other healthy pregnancies. Everyone kept telling me that every pregnancy is different, not to worry. When I went in for my first appointment, I just felt like something wasn't right. I was 6wks 4 days along and was praying that we would see a baby. My OB did the u/s and all we saw was an empty sac measuring 5wks 1day. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I told my OB that it wasn't possible for me to be that far behind, but he didn't seem very concerned. He just told me to schedule another appointment for 10 days, that it was just too early to see anything. In my heart I knew that wasn't the case. I was for sure with my dates because I chart and this baby was an oops. There was only one possible day that I could have conceived and there was no way I could be over a week off.

I went in to my second appointment expecting to see an empty sac again, but got the surprise of my life! There was my baby with it's little heart beating away, but now the baby was measuring a full TWO weeks behind. He moved my EDD to June 11th and said not to worry that it looked like a healthy pregnancy. I told him that it was impossible that I was only 6wks. That would have meant that I got pregnant AFTER my positive hpt on Sept. 15th. He said he couldn't explain why I got a positive in September, but not to worry, things looked fine. He did schedule another appointment for 2 weeks later, just because he knew how nervous I was.

I continued to not feel pregnant. My heightened sense of smell was gone, cravings gone, extreme fatigue gone. I had no RL pain, no breast tenderness, nothing. I just didn't feel like a pregnant lady. Then on Saturday Oct. 29th I noticed a brown discharge when I wiped. On Sunday it was mixed with a bit of red. Not a lot, but enough to have me concerned. I called my OB on Monday Oct. 31st and told them what was happening. They had me come in that morning for an u/s. I already knew that the baby had passed before I even saw the u/s. I just knew. The lack of symptoms, measuring so far behind and my mommy intution told me to expect bad news.

My OB said "Well, this is not what I wanted to see. Everything looks exactly the same as the last time except now there is no heart beat."

Even though I knew that was what the outcome was going to be, there was this little part of me that had hoped I was wrong. I began to cry. He said " I am so sorry. I really thought that you were just being a nervous mom."

He then explained about waiting for a natural miscarriage or taking medicine to help speed it along. He gave me a prescription for Cytotec and told me that it was optional to take it. He then told me to make an appointment for the following week to check on the progress of the miscarriage. He told me I wouldn't need a D&C because I wasn't that far along. By this time I was supposed to be 10 weeks, but the baby was only measuring 6wks 1 day and the sac was measuring 6 wks 4 days.

I opted to wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. I figured it wouldn't be too long because I was already cramping and spotting red blood. It took a little over a week for my body to complete the miscarriage. It kept stopping and starting. Every time the cramps would get bad I would think ok this is it, but they would taper off and I would go back to just spotting. It seemed to take forever for my body to figure it out. Finally on Wednesday morning I passed the baby. The cramps were really bad. Then I felt a different pain when it detached and just knew that was it. Everything was still intact. I passed it all in one piece. I even saw the little sac my baby had lived in. I wrapped everything up and put it in a plastic ziploc. My husband and I plan on burying our baby in the back yard and planting a tree.

This was one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever had in my life. I keep reliving the moment when I passed the baby in my mind. The way it felt, what it looked like and how it sounded. Please tell me it gets easier. I don't think my husband understands how terribly hard this has been on me. I just feel so lost and numb. I haven't even really cried much. Physically I am feeling better, but emotionally I am a wreck. Thank you so much for reading.


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## bbeal (Nov 2, 2011)

Hi sweet heart I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I just went threw the same thing . My miscarriage took two and a half weeks and it was heart wrenching. I ended up having to have a D&C to get my baby out because my body would not give up the baby the doctor's tried every thing to get my cervix to dilate and expel my baby but nothing worked . I'm home now after two days in the hospital and i feel so empty in side. This was my second miscarriage and no children I feel completely hopeless and like I failed as a woman. I wont a baby so bad and when I see my husband with other children and how happy he is playing with them I think will i be able to ever give him the gift of life maybe not and how do I deal with that. Just remember you are not alone and I am preying for U!!!!!!!!


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

OH, mama, I am so sorry. It DOES get easier, and that is what I am reminding myself of right now. I have just had my second missed miscarriage in 3 months and it is a terrible, terrible ordeal. But I promise that it gets easier.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I'm so, so sorry. It does get easier. I kept begging people who had been through it to promise me that it got better, because I was in such a deep hole of pain after my baby died that I didn't see how I could keep living. They swore that it got better and that was something for me to hang onto. So, I'm passing it along to you, it does get better. ((((hugs))))


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## buterflymomma (Jan 6, 2010)

Thank you all for your words of support. It really does help and I appreciate it.

I had a very early loss July last year (5.5 weeks). The experience was so different. My early loss was like a really heavy period with some cramping. I was kind of expecting this one to be the same. I wasn't prepared. I guess nobody really is though.

When I described to my OB how big everything was when it came out, he said to me "Had I known it was going to be that big, I would have given you a D&C. "

I think he figured that it would break up into pieces because the baby had passed a few weeks before. I am not sure what would have been better. The D&C or what I went through. Does that sound terrible?

I finally cried a bit last night when my husband got home. We talked and I apologized to him because through all this I hadn't really asked how he was doing. I mean I knew he was hurting and grieving too, but I just didn't ask. He was making plans, he had dreams for this baby. He wasn't expecting the outcome that I was. He was really shocked at that last appointment. I saw it on his face. While I on the other hand knew that things were just not right. I never talked about the future with this baby because I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to make it.

I feel like a horrible wife because I really haven't been there for him through this. I told him last night that I am hear to listen. That we both need to lean on each other for support through this. I know he probably won't talk about how he is feeling. He doesn't really do that, but I wanted him to know that I am here and I care. That I know he is grieving too. That we both lost this baby. Not just me.

We are going today to pick out a tree for our baby. Hopefully after we bury him, we can start to heal.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I delivered my 12 1/2 week sized son intact, in the sac almost 3 weeks after he had died. The doctor refused to help me outside of a D&C. Thank God I delivered on my own at home. We buried him a few days later. His story is here (if you want to look at it - don't feel like you have to).


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## buterflymomma (Jan 6, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> 
> I delivered my 12 1/2 week sized son intact, in the sac almost 3 weeks after he had died. The doctor refused to help me outside of a D&C. Thank God I delivered on my own at home. We buried him a few days later. His story is here (if you want to look at it - don't feel like you have to).


I read your story. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I don't think I want to have another baby right now.

I think I want to take my hardcore psych meds that help me sleep and function and not have panic attacks about going to the grocery store. I think I want to focus on me, and on healing. I think I want to get my body back into shape- I think I want to gain 30 pounds of muscle and do yoga and start riding horses again. I think I want to plan my big fifth anniversary party for next year (I didn't have a wedding or reception, we eloped, and it's always been one of my biggrest regrets) and not have to worry about fitting a pregnant belly into my handsewn dress.

When I think about not having another baby, I don't feel... scared. I feel scared about trying and failing. But when I think about not trying..... I feel relieved.

I AM scared that my time is running out- my daughter will be four in February. My husband is going to be 44 in March. I'm scared that if I full-on put on the brakes and we don't look into testing or anything that we'll have wasted time that we could have spent looking into medications and treatments and other options. I mean if I could do all the things I wanted to this year, and then BOOM turn around and fall pregnant, that would be fabulous. But what if I do everything I want to, I take this year off and do all these great things.... and... it's a year later and I'm right back HERE?

I don't know how I feel. I waited for a year to get my husband's vas reversal, waited another nine months to start trying, got pregnant two months later, miscarried two months after that, my dad died a month later, then I got pregnant two months after THAT, miscarried two months later AGAIN, and then my best friend died three months after THAT. And I just... want off the rollercoaster. Right now I don't think I am in a good place to deal with a pregnancy, let alone a miscarriage. Heck I don't even know if I'm up for TTC.

Of course I would be happy to have another baby... but that's not the same as being ready for one, and not the same as feeling good about deciding to try for one.

What really sucks is that this is my window for a summer birth like I really really wanted. =(

~Rose


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Rose, you have to take care of YOU first. I think you can trust your gut feelings here.







I hope it all works out despite taking a break.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Buterflymomma, thanks for reading. Yes, it was rough, the worst thing I've ever been through. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light for you too and we can help hold your hand until you get there.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I'm cross posting a bit, just because I don't really know where this update would fit in, and be seen by those of you that are interested or might be wondering.

I had my hospital follow up today and got my cytogentics results.

Baby #4 was healthy girl, and baby #5 was also a little girl - but with Downs Syndrome. That news was a real shock to me. I'm so used there being "no explanation", that I can't believe that there actually is one this time. We've had normal genetics all along, and with my age, I didn't really even think of the possibility of Downs. If these past two pregnancies had of continued, I was going to skip the 12 weeks screen. I'm really not quite sure what to make of it at all. After four losses, to have a reason this time, is odd.

The other semi-shocking thing is finding out the sexes. I've not been able to find out the sexes previously, and knowing that these two were little girls is heartbreaking. Of course, I would love a healthy child of any sex, but I'm certain my first baby was a girl, and ever since then, I just want a daughter so badly. And now that I do know, I feel as though I should name them. But how can I name these two and not the others?

Finally, in case anyone is wondering, we're taking some time off ttc. At least six months, maybe more. I'm not certain that we will in fact ttc again. We may reach a point where we will be discussing surrogacy or adoption as options, although neither of us is emotionally ready to "move on" yet. I'm still going to be around, but more in an "on hold" capacity. I'm still planning on some further testing, and maybe a millionth opinion, but we won't be doing anything about it. I'll be going back on the pill, so I have at least one thing to look forward to - No AF! Or very minimal AF anyway. I'll be stringing my pills together and only having a "period" every couple of months. That will be great!


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Milk, are all your losses in your signature? I am so very sorry to hear about your little girls. I think that it would almost be harder to know.

I too am taking a break from TTC and if it were up to DH we'd just have our one little dude. He got so very freaked out about our emergency transfer to the hospital for Bug's birth and then my trip back to the hospital with an eclamptic seizure at six days postpartum. Then he's seen me grieve and hurt so much with the losses that he really doesn't want me to go through physical OR emotional pain like that again.

I am ALMOST okay with that as well, but I just can't quite give up on the idea of a sibling for Bug...so we will re-address the subject in six months. I won't be doing the pill (it was making me crazy last time for some reason, even though I was on it before Bug)...but DH will not be allowed to come near me without "suiting up"!! I'll be charting as well but for prevention purposes this time. In six months we will decide if we want to try again or if DH will be getting snipped and then we may or may not pursue adoption. At this point we just don't want to think about it too much and give ourselves (and particularly me) time to heal.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Baby #4 was healthy girl, and baby #5 was also a little girl - but with Downs Syndrome. That news was a real shock to me. I'm so used there being "no explanation", that I can't believe that there actually is one this time. We've had normal genetics all along, and with my age, I didn't really even think of the possibility of Downs. If these past two pregnancies had of continued, I was going to skip the 12 weeks screen. I'm really not quite sure what to make of it at all. After four losses, to have a reason this time, is odd.


Thanks for updating us. sweets. Thinking of you.


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## buterflymomma (Jan 6, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> 
> Buterflymomma, thanks for reading. Yes, it was rough, the worst thing I've ever been through. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light for you too and we can help hold your hand until you get there.


Thank you. It has been very difficult for me since it happened. I have so much anger and I am so sad. I feel so alone. My husband helped out a lot with the kids this weekend. I am so thankful for him. He is a great husband and father.

I started having a lot of pain and heavy bleeding again on Friday evening. When I woke up on Saturday the pain was worse. My back was killing me and it felt like someone was stabbing me straight through my lower abdomen. My bleeding was also still heavy. I stayed in bed with the heating pad most of the day. I figured the pain was just from the lining I had to shed. Every time I got up and walked around the pain got worse. My bleeding was getting steadily heavier and the pain was getting almost unbearable. I went to the bathroom at about 9pm and passed another semi-large clot that had tissue in it. It was about 3in long and 1-2in wide. So apparently everything wasn't out! After I passed that I started feeling a lot better. The cramping went away and my bleeding has lightened up significantly. I plan on putting a call into my OB today though, just to let him know what happened. Not sure if he will want me to come in or not again for a recheck. I am really worried about something going wrong and it messing up my ability to have more children. That probably sounds a bit silly because we have 4 already, but my husband and I want a large family and have planned on 2 more. I really hope that we are able to have more.

I am hoping that this feeling of sadness passes soon. i just feel so weighed down with it. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I am struggling with getting all the housework done, just the basic everyday chores. I want to feel like myself again and stop feeling so empty inside. Something is missing and I just want him back.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Milk - I see how all that information could be hard to process. I'm glad that you were able to learn some about them though, and I hope you're able to work out names. I hope your time off is healing and helps you decide what to do next. Wish I could give you a real hug.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Anyone get perturbed with their DH for not being sympathetic? He's been sweet from time to time, but it just hasn't affected him the same way.

Take for instance tonight, I was in the kitchen getting dinner together and a bit teary-eyed because of a convo I had just had with a friend (who I am afraid may be losing her little one too) and DH noticed and asked me what was wrong so I began to tell him and then I noticed he was cracking up over something on Facebook (from a friend who got to take home her fifth kid from the hospital on the same day I found out this latest baby was no longer with us) instead of actually listening to me!! I realize that he isn't gonna be as affected as me, but a little support would be nice!!


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

The friend I mentioned in my last post ended up passing her baby sometime last night after we chatted.







Life can be so unfair!!


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

That is sad Rainey. I'm sorry for your friend.

I used to get very upset with my DP's reactions. Through time and therapy, I've discovered that he deals with it a different way, and that if we talk, and I get upset, he feels responsible and like he is hurting me. So, he has been known to avoid the issue. I think it's a pretty natural thing for men. DP throws himself into work, and does a million hours during stressful times. That's his way of coping. He knows that sometimes I need to talk about it, but I know that he hates doing it.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

yeah, I definitely agree that the guys just process it so differently. It helps me to occasionally explain to my husband, by the way, this date makes me sad... He doesn't realize beforehand, but he's always so understanding when I tell him.

I'm sorry about your friend.

I'm really trying not to say something on facebook right now. I know, I know, just stay away, right?

Sister: 31.5 weeks, and someone is taking up a little too much space. I can't breathe!

Me: at least she's breathing!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

For guys, grief is like a ladder. You just climb out of it.

For us moms, its more circular.... especially if we are going to gestate more children.... the fear doesn't quite ever leave us... even after subsequent babies get here safe and sound.. we still wait for that other shoe to drop. Am I making sense?


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Well, after 11 days of bleeding with only a couple small blobs of tissue on the 8th day I think things are starting to change. I actually had a few decent sized clots pass this evening. Nothing like the size of clots that I had with Paisley...but I lost Paisley at 9-ish weeks after hearing the heartbeat at 8 weeks, and this was a blighted ovum baby, so I'm not expecting near as much "stuff". Tomorrow I go for my follow-up scan to see if things are clearing out properly and to get bloodwork done to see if my levels are dropping properly as well. I really hope I'm nearing the end of this miscarriage, as it does seem so awfully unfair that it has to drag on so long after knowing my baby is no longer with us...it's just a horrid reminder!!

I'm also just feeling wiped out with absolutely no energy these days. My husband did point out that I've been pregnant more than not since June...so that and the impact of so much blood loss I'm sure hasn't helped the energy levels. Though I can never go back to the normal of before, I just want to get to a new normal where I have energy enough to cope with the house and be a better mama to my Bug. He has had way too much time in front of the TV lately (between the morning sickness and the miscarriages) and not enough fun-times-with-Mama!!


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## NEDCmom (Jun 9, 2010)

Rainey, I've posted separately about my current blighted ovum m/c, but wanted to reply here because I feel like we're having similar experiences. I too have a DS born 7/09 and was excited to give him a sibling about 3 years apart. I found out at 7.5 weeks that this was likely not a viable pregnancy. I waited 5 weeks for it to pass on it's own, finally took Cytotec a week ago, which wasn't as bad as I feared. Despite a lot of bleeding and passing some tissue, I keep feeling like this isn't over. I've been having days where I don't have much bleeding at all (only dark brown spotting), but have a few episodes of stabbing pains, then the bleeding will start up again.

Saw my OB yesterday. He did not do an ultrasound, but did a physical exam. My cervix is closed and my uterus has shrunken. OB thinks I may have passed it all, but I'm not so sure. I should find out my hcg results tomorrow -- supposedly anything in the hundreds will be encouraging. I had no idea this could be such an agonizingly long process. It's hard to even imagine healing when I'm still literally carrying it around.

This is my first m/c, and I have a whole new appreciation for the suffering of any woman who has been through this multiple times. My heart is with you.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Can I ask how long it took for the bleeding to stop for those of you who let nature take its course vs. having a D&C? With Paisley, from the time the spotting started till I was done bleeding was almost two weeks (from a Sunday to a Saturday)...but in there my water broke and I passed the biggest clots on day 7 of the bleeding, didn't pass the baby till day 13, and was pretty much done with the bleeding by day 14.

This is a bit different though...in that I was spotting off and on since almost when I got my BFP, and then when the spotting picked up, I was spotting for a week before it changed to red blood...and it will have been two weeks tomorrow on the red bleeding. I haven't passed any clots bigger than a silver dollar (and the two that size were part blood and part tissue). Since the baby had quit developing so early and was probably reabsorbed by my body there wasn't really any big thing to pass and it seems I just haven't had any big clots.

I just want to know a couple things. First, should I be worried that I'm still bleeding? Second (and only God knows this one), when will it stop? I just want to be able to try to start the healing process and I just CAN'T when every time I go to the bathroom (and sometimes in between just because of a sneeze or something) there is blood there!!


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Rainey - my first loss was spontaneous at 12.5 weeks. I had had spotting on and off the whole pregnancy.

The serious bleeding/cramping started about 18 hours before I actually passed the baby. I bled consistently (and cramped, and passed clots) for at least a week, and then on and off for another two weeks maybe?

Sounds to me like there may still be more to come, particularly if the blood is still red - but I could be wrong. I don't think that two weeks of bleeding is anything to worry about, although I understand that it's emotional and frustrating. I know that doctors will consider it normal for a miscarriage to take as many as six weeks (even as many as ten). I'm sure you know the things to watch out for (fever, pain), so if you're not having any problems, other than the bleeding, I would say it's all normal.

Having said all that, I'd be watching your iron intake, so you don't end up anemic or anything.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

This is an anniversary week for me - you know, how a miscarriage has a cluster of memorable days. I thought I was okay, but now I'm just feeling broken. We have all this stress in our life right now, job, family, money, religion. It's just piling up and I'm reaching a breaking point.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I'm sorry lollie.

I can't believe I'm back here myself...


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

M. Anna - I can't believe you're back here either. It's all so broken.

We went to our local Christmas parade tonight. It's a cheesy little thing we do every year. Last year, it was the first night I was able to get out after having been so sick for weeks and weeks, and it felt like I was finally beginning to feel good about having another little one so unplanned. It was a good night. And then the next morning I found out the baby was gone, and it just seemed like it had all been a lie.

I didn't want to ruin the Christmas parade for my family (I'm the only one who associates it with our loss, of course) and we still had a lovely time. But tonight I just feel I need something to change. Like, right now.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I have good news, that I'm itching to share! We're getting a puppy!! We've been looking for a while, and we picked one on the weekend.

He's a 6mo Jack Russell, we're getting him through one of the Rescue groups. We took my boy up to meet him on Sunday, and they got along, so we left a deposit.

I was hanging out to bring him home, but we've decided to keep him in foster care until Christmas week when the holidays start. That way either DP or I can be home pretty much the whole time to get the pup settled in. We didn't think it was fair to bring him home and then both of us go to work and left alone to sort it out. It's gonna be an adjustment for both dogs, but I can't wait until they are best friends! And they look so alike too!

This is the pup (we're naming him Chops)



and this is Duke


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh he is BEAUTIFUL! I've been saying puppy or dog for a while now. =P

~Rose


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

How adorable, Milk!!! I can't believe how much alike they look!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Milkshake - I love Jack Russells - and they do look just alike. That will be fun for Christmas!

I think I'm coming down from angry sadness (or should I say coming up?). Looking forward to a peaceful St. Nicholas day tomorrow.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Love your new doggie!! They are both adorable. Maybe they can wear each other out.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

*Lollie* - I hope that your day goes well today. As well as it can.









It feels like the next two weeks until we pick up the pup are going to take forever - I just can't wait...


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Today's been fine. I'm feeling pretty good. As usual I think the days leading up to it were harder. Thanks to all of you.

I'm a little bummed I didn't get any calls or emails from my family today. I had hoped they'd remember. I guess that shouldn't matter.

I think some times I feel anticipation about it. Like, maybe if I wait long enough, persevere through it, I'll get him back. I mean, obviously, I don't really think that. It's just sort of a feeling. Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes I feel like maybe he's still inside me.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

oh, lollie, thinking of you.









And MAnna, too,









Oh, milk, lovely pups! My dad had this lovely, yet awful, jack russell who he just adored! We have two Westie terriers who we lovingly refer to as the terrier-ists, as they're so naughty.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Lollie, I know what you mean. I really do. My family doesn't remember these things either. I've had to accept that family isn't defined by blood.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

My family sucks at the whole pregnancy thing. With my daughter, I got pregnant when I was 19 and everyone except my mom was of the opinion I should get an abortion, and, oh, got pregnant on purpose to trap my boyfriend into staying with me. Thaaat was fun. I didn't even get a baby shower from anybody and when I brought it up was told to sit down and shut up, there was certainly no reason to celebrate. Even now that I'm 24, married, with a stable income, with two paid-off cars, and own our house, they still think I'm too broke/crazy to be TRYING to have a baby. Because that would be stupid.

With my first miscarriage, my mother in law asked if it was from all the painting I did. And my mom told me she was really worried I would get depressed (which surprised me because that's almost like, empathy or something, which would be a first for her) but then told me not to go and eat a bunch of chocolate or anything. Because we all know THAT WOULD BE REALLY TERRIBLE. She also told me when I was six weeks postpartum that if I lost just five more pounds, I wouldn't have that mama belly anymore. Note- I've been anorexic since before I was menstrauting, just barely recovered for about a year when I conceived my daughter, fought every last instant to gain enough weight and actually managed 40 pounds, and was STILL back in my normal clothes by the time I left the hospital. She also threw out a bunch of my clothes that I had left at her house when I moved out, because "they would never fit again." Like, $150 business suit sets and some of my favorite shirts.

Let's just say there's a reason I up and moved 1600 miles to live with a guy I met on the internet (married for four years now, yay).

~Rose


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Rose, sometimes we have to not only look elsewhere for our comfort and support, but deliberately not look homeward. That would be me too. (((hugs)))


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

My family have been pretty good, I mean, as much as can be expected. But they still don't remember. And I can't blame them. I have too many to remember these days. But it would mean a lot if they did.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

my mom called this morning and was all awkward like, "I'm sorry, I know this is a hard day for you. Do you work tonight?" I guess I get that it's awkward though, and I should just be glad she remembered and not complain, right? I complain way too much. Still, I would think my sisters who are pregnant/have new babies would feel sympathy.

Ugh, I'm repeating myself, I'm sure. I know I've posted this before. I know you guys, Rose and MAnna, have had much worse from family. My family hasn't been mean, just neglectful.

I see what you mean Milk, about too many dates, I suppose you have as many as 10 dates to remember, which is sad and I'm sorry to point it out. I think a visible way of remembering them is helpful to families, like the ornament idea.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

((((((hugs)))))) Lollie.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Well, I think it is okay to complain. But, even if everyone remembered, and did sweet things, and sent you cards and was all







, it would still suck, right? The day would be a little less lousy, but still lousy.

FWIW, I can't bitch too much. My SIL had miscarriage earlier this year, and we sent her a card, and she rang me a bunch of times really late at night to talk, but I realised that I didn't actually take much notice of the dates of her loss (I was early pg at the time). And I feel like a real sh*t, because I want to remember it next year, but I don't really wanna bring it up in a way that she knows I'm asking the date because I forgot.

With my dates, I really just remember the loss dates. My first was the only one that I got attached to an EDD, so I have 6 months with crappy "dates". Which is half of the year, if you think about it. I couldn't expect that of anybody.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

You're exactly right. I'd probably complain no matter what they did. I was also thinking that my family and friends probably have days that are hard for them for other reasons, that I've either forgotten or not known about. I think I will try to start writing those kinds of things down. But I haven't sent any sympathy cards lately either.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Oh, look. I'm a "senior member". Yay.

Can I have a baby instead? Anyone?

Sigh. Ok, more cheerful things: I decorated the outside of the house today, well, at least the front. The LR is a wreck with all the Christmas boxes out. We're going to decorate the tree tonight because we're leaving in the morning. DH and I will be back tomorrow evening but the kids will be gone until Tues or Wed. I was going to make everyone fleece PJ pants and I bet I can get a good start on at least cutting things out while they're gone. I have to admit I'm nervous about Monday. I thought about the fact that I need to "enjoy" having the baby still with me while I can because after that she'll be out and then it won't be long before she's buried. Well, so much for cheerful!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Mat. Anna - I was wondering, we're assuming you're being induced Monday - but are you having any signs of bleeding now? I was just remembering what happened with your last one.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

It was (according to our best guess since we don't know exactly what day he died) 18 days before I went into labor with Innocent. It's only been 8-9 days since this baby died. I know that history seldom repeats itself and it's possible I'll go into labor before Monday, but not terribly likely. My body has no idea I'm not pregnant. The most ideal situation would be my going into labor Sunday afternoon. Feel free to pray in that direction!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm thinking about you, MAnna, hope everything's okay.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Just got back from Vespers. We went straight to church when we got back in town from taking the children to stay with friends. The house is really, really quiet. Will check back in later - have to take care of dinner.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Hey, ladies - I hope this isn't against some kind of rule, but...

I design toy sewing patterns, and occasionally I give away the new ones. I'm giving away two new patterns all week (a dog and a stegosaurus) and as soon as I posted it, I thought that I'd love to share it with my friends over here. Anyway, if any of you sew please feel free to go grab the patterns: http://wewilsons.blogspot.com/2011/12/two-patterns-dog-and-stegosaurus.html


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I am in no way crafty enough *Lollie* - but I did love The Land Before Time!


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I don't want to let my baby go. We may not even be able to hold the burial if it's raining.

I won't be able to physically do anything else for him after he's buried.

I have so much to do. My parents are going to be here Saturday. There's the house, schoolwork, baking, present-making... I'm simply overwhelmed. I can't even do too much in a row without getting out of breath.

I want to just lie down between the two graves and let it rain on all three of us. I'll just root to the ground.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your losses, mama. Be gentle with yourself - what you're feeling is so, so normal.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> I want to just lie down between the two graves and let it rain on all three of us. I'll just root to the ground.


I'm so sorry. Growing roots sounds like the right thing to do..

Please take it easy, you just gave birth and lost your son. I know you have lots to do, but maybe it doesn't all have to be done?


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

My parents will be here Saturday at lunch.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I can't believe the funeral starts in an hour and a half. Where did my time go? This is too hard...


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Thinking of you MAnna right now as the funeral is starting in a few minutes. I pray you get through it and then get some rest!!


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Rainey, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. How are you doing physically? I know you're grieving, I don't have to ask about that.

Here's a picture that's just too hard to share on anything other than a loss thread:


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

My not-quite-five-year-old was looking at some presents I was wrapping on the bed and immediately picked up a toy I had gotten for his 2-year-old cousin. He said how much he liked it and I told him who it was for. He held it and looked at it a moment longer and said, "I wish this could be for baby Innocent ...or baby Andrew." That just cut to my heart. All I could say around the lump in my throat was, "me too, baby."

I can't wait until Christmas is over.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

*hugs* for Anna. It's so hard with little kids. =( My daughter still gets excited every time there's a baby around or on TV and asks if it's my baby.

I have two sort of good friends due in February and March, one with a boy and one with a girl. I think I'm going to get "presents" for Dove and Spring, and give them to them. Probably clothes. I hardly ever see them so I won't have to worry about seeing them, and I think it would help. To get them something for Christmas.

~Rose


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Well, I did it. I first thought about buying things for them, because the night I found out my friend, Natalie, had died, I had this dream of her taking care of Spring and Dove for me. I wanted to buy something small, like a lovey or a blankie to put in her coffin, but I never got the chance to.

I got footie pajamas, because those are my favorite little baby clothes. For Natalie's sister's baby boy, I got him stuff with monkeys and a little monkey, because Natalie loved monkeys. For my friend who's having a girl, I just got a pretty little soft sleeper and a cute little hoodie set with flowers and a little pony. I cried a lot in the store.

I also saw this angel ornament that said, "Let your memories keep you warm." I'm going to visit my friend's grave and leave it there for her family- I know they'll go visit her on Christmas and find it. I don't want them to know it was from me.

Doing better. I talked to my real good friend Nicole, and she told me something really cool. On Natalie's birthday we had a lantern lighting for her, and I posted the pictures on my blog and made a slideshow on Youtube with pictures of her. She watched it and called me and told me that she'd been having dreams about this girl she didn't know, but she was sweet and funny and they'd go on horseback rides and do whacky stuff. She told my friend to tell me that she loves me. She didn't put it together or realize who it was until she saw the pictures, and realized it was Natalie.

Okay, maybe not doing so much better. What I would not give to just hug her one more time or pick up the phone and call her and talk to her.

~Rose


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Rose: ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You're so brave and sweet.


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## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

Hi ladies, I hope no one minds if I just in here. I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced recent losses. My heart goes out to you.

I am at the beginning of my third mc in a row. I'm almost 12 weeks. I'm pretty crampy and the spotting is turning red. Anyone have any idea what to expect at this point? I haven't had any u/s's or anything so I have no idea what the gestation of the baby is.

Also, with this being my 3rd in a row, do you suppose there is something wrong with me that is causing this? I have 4 healthy children, then trying to get #5 here has been a challenge. My first mc was twins. I lost the first somewhere around 7-9 weeks and the second at almost 19 weeks. The second was very early, about 5-6 weeks. Now this one.

At this point I'm just numb. I feel angry and I don't know what to think. I really want another child, but don't know how much more of this I can endure.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

AmBam, I Pm'ed you about your other post before I read this one. I have five healthy children - no problems - and I just had my second miscarriage in a row. I'm going to ttc again, but my hope is diminishing. I had bloodwork done and it was all normal. I'm still waiting for the testing on the placenta to come back but both babies looked perfectly normal (not that that's a guarantee...). I figure something must be wrong with me but I don't know what.

I'm so very sorry for this loss, especially it being your third in a row. I figure I'm facing my third sometime this year and I'm trying to be resigned to it. I just wanted one more child - living child. ((((hugs))))


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

AmBam, I don't recall the exact circumstances of your prior losses, but I think your history would indicate that something is up.

I think that it would be totally reasonable, if not prudent, to undergo some investigation. There is very little known about miscarriage and it's causes, but a basic RPL panel, particularly clotting studies would probably be worthwhile. These are just blood tests, nothing invasive.

There are women out there who have had similar stories, healthy pregnancies and multiple losses, and gone on to discover an underlying condition. We don't know if these conditions "develop" or whether they have just lain dormant through past pregnancies.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I don't mean to sound cold, but I think I am seeing a pattern (or want to see a pattern) about pregnancy loss, at any stage, rising during the winter months. I noticed it last year, when I first lost my daughter, and again this year, between the winter solstice and spring equinox.

Am I just seeing shapes in clouds, or could something be going on here?

~Rose


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *RoseRedHoofbeats*
> 
> I don't mean to sound cold, but I think I am seeing a pattern (or want to see a pattern) about pregnancy loss, at any stage, rising during the winter months. I noticed it last year, when I first lost my daughter, and again this year, between the winter solstice and spring equinox.
> 
> ...


Sorry to blow a hole in your theory but I lost a son at summer solstice. My support group was full of women who'd lost babies in spring/early summer.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I'm probably just seeing it because I lost my daughter in early February of last year. I lost a son in June, so I know it's not exactly scientific.

~Rose


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