# My mother just hung up on me.



## MeMommy (Aug 31, 2006)

Hi all,

My mother is really upset with me, this is the first time in my whole life she's been so upset that she hung up on me. It's also the first time I really stood up for myself and the way I want to do things.

I won't budge on this. We want to co-leep, we think it's the best for DD, and we're not letting her decide how to parent our daughter. But she feels we're putting her in danger, and she's really upset. Se thought she'd be able to make me change my mind, but I stood firm, and...she hung up on me.

Normally, as long as I seem to agree with her, we have a pretty good relationship. I love my mother, I want to be on good terms with her, and I'm feeling so sad that she won't accept this. She's making me lose confidence in my choice. I want to do what I feel is right, but she's making it so difficult. Anyone else have experience dealing with relatives on this? What should I do? She's so upset she won't even talk to me.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

IMO, it is not your mothers business where your daughter sleeps. You are doing the right thing for your family.

Perhaps if you printed off some things from Dr. Jay Gordon on how safe cosleeping is or tell her about the safety measures you and DH have taken to make sure it is safe for DD?

Good luck, the only guff I've gotten from people is the whole "He'll be 29 before he gets out of your bed!" and stuff


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## jrose_lee (Oct 2, 2005)

Wow. She hung up on you? That doesn't seem very mature







: Yeah, the first time I told my mom we'd be co-sleeping she said she had thought that it was unsafe to do that. I quickly informed her that I had thouroughly researched the topic and it was actually SAFER than having them in a crib.

If you don't have the info, this link has some good stuff
http://askdrsears.com/html/7/t071000.asp

I read this book and thought it was good as well
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Nights-Pa...e=UTF8&s=books

Basically, I don't listen to my parents at all when it comes to raising my children







There was a lot of bogus research done when they were raising us and my parents basically just did whatever they were told. Crib, Cry-it-out, vaxing, formula, rice cereal in a bottle before bed, spanking...you name it. Listen to your instincts. Co-sleeping is wonderful for your baby and you. And in my opinion (and that of many others, including doctors) much safer. There is no way I would feel my baby was safer away from me in a crib. I know some families do better with this situation, but I personally just couldn't do it. I actually read in a book about SIDS that babies learn to breathe by sleeping by their moms and hearing/feeling them breathe all night. Not to mention all the amazing self-esteem benefits, health benefits from nursing and a closer relationship with your child.

Anyway, this post is WAY to long..sorry







Just wanted to say don't listen to your mom! She was kind of out of line anyway to get so angry and hang up. It's really not her business and she doesn't have the right information regarding the safety. Has she even researched it at all? Hopefully she will just cool off a bit.....


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

Ugh! So sorry she hung up on you. That sucks.

I agree with you and everyone else. It's not up to her how to parent your child. My mom and I go around and around on this issue (she likes to pretend to be the parent when she's around my DC). I'm sorry she hung up on you, but I'm so happy you stuck your ground.

Shannon


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## Valkyrie9 (Sep 29, 2006)

Try to remember that she's just misinformed about what is best for your baby, but that ultimately the reason she cares enough about this to disagree with you is that she wants the best for your little one. (Did that sentence make any sense at all? ;-) )

My point is that everything she's heard about in the mainstream media in the last 40 years or so is that cosleeping is dangerous. We know that there is a ton of misinformation out there about it, and there are great resources out there explaining why it is safe and why it is best for the babies. I love Dr. Sears' information--he's compelling and doesn't use a lot of jargon to explain the rationale.

Rest assured that you are doing the right thing by cosleeping, and look at this as your opportunity to advocate for cosleeping. I think we all have a responsibility to c/s "out of the closet" and tell people that it really is safe and healthy. Maybe if we all stand up for it, our own children will be raising their kids in a world where it is mainstream and looked on as the right way to do things. Good luck--don't give up on your mom yet!


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## ladyslipper (Apr 21, 2006)

I think your mother will get through this, especially when she sees how loved and careful you are with your child. My mother (s) lives far away that we have to have phone conversations. She thought the co-sleeping was a bad idea. I can't say I stood up for myself, so good job. I just allow her to go on an on, and I have done pretty much the opposite of everything she goes on about. I do this with both my own mother and mother in law. We went to visit both homes, and each of "the mothers" borrowed and bought play and pack cribs. During the day the grandma's would put our dd in the crib and say that she loved sleeping alone. I was okay with this during the day during nap time. But at night she slept with us. I had to hear "you'll be sorry someday," "you'll kick yourself when she turns 8 months," and "are you sure it's safe." There was an article that was on the front page of the living section in the newspaper that was pro-co-sleeping that seemed to silence my MIL. Perfect timing!


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## joyfilledmomma (Mar 14, 2006)

My mom and I just had a similar argument about cosleeping. She said that it's hard for her to keep my dd (dd stays with grandma for about 2-3 hours once a week) b/c she won't nap at her house because she's used to napping with me.

She insists she's not trying to tell me how to parent, but at the same time she keeps telling me that I need to get dd to sleep on her own during the day and at night which may mean letting her cry it out (to which I say..."no way!!") She even talked to my dh separately about the same issue which Really annoyed me because she knows that he's not a fan of cosleeping. Thankfully my dh supports and trusts me as a momma even though he doesn't completely love cosleeping, so he told my mom the same thing I had told her which is that we are going to continue to cosleep and if that means that my mom is not comfortable watching dd then we will just keep her with us on "date night."

My mom is not happy with me, but my daughter's security is more important than her happiness..hang in there momma..you are doing the right thing and you're not alone!


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

My mom was nervous in the beginning b/c I was older when they brought me to bed with them for the first time. We've slept with DD from day one. But now that she sees how happy we are and how well adjusted Mia is she's better with it. She has now started asking me more questions about it.


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## yogachick79 (Apr 4, 2006)

We went through a similar thing with both my mom and MIL. They just don't get our parenting style and feel that we/I was doing more harm than good. I eventually learned just to keep what we do to myself and they have learned to not say anything. My MIL does throw in every once and a while "so is Landon sleeping in his crib all night yet?" and I honestly reply no. And then we leave it at that.

I agree with the OP that she is probably freaking because if she is the same age as my mom and MIL, they had seriously different information about raising children and what was and wasn't okay to do. I mean, look how common CIO and smoking during pregnancy was. Does that mean that just because they did it we should do it now???

Hang in there mama, you are doing the right thing!


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Sorry your mom hung up on you. Obviously, she has some issues and she was mad (maybe even feeling rejected) because you actually stood up for yourself. (Good for you - I _know_ it can be hard - especially when a parent acts so immaturely when you disagree with them.) Good luck. Keep standing up for yourself. Smile and nod. I've found that if I let my mom tell me her thoughts and acknowledge her feelings/concerns, it helps our relationship whether or not we agree on something. Hopefully your mom will come around.

I think you are getting good advice here. Keep standing up for yourself. Educate your mom. I'd suggest sharing the Dr. Sears website (http://www.askdrsears.com) or books with her- he's great for mainstream people to begin exploring AP practices. (He even has a respectful letter you can use to help explain your stance on AP practices.)

Here's a link to Dr. Sears' info on Sleeping Safely With Your Baby - he explains it in terms of common fears of co-sleeping and then debunks those myths. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp

And a little







just so you know you're not alone. My mom has given me articles from her hometown newspaper about not co-sleeping, has suggested I wean DD and until recently was advocating I push the potty learning. When I allow my mom's suggestions to make me feel insecure (even though she lives in another state!), I don't like the way I parent. However, when I listen to DD's cues and my own intuition, we do very well. DD started using the potty a couple months ago because she was ready and wanted to do so to despite my mom's insistance that she be pushed into it.

My parents just came for a visit two weeks ago and strangely enough, no parenting issues came up aside from suggestions for getting DD to help pick up her toys. I think she's finally getting it that I know what I am doing.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Next time you are talking to her tell her you didn't realise she felt so strongly about this issue and that perhaps it would be best if you didn't discuss this anymore since it seems to bother her so much.

and if she brings it up say "it's not up for discussion remember, you can't handle it" and walk away.

This way she knows she's been heard, but she also knows you are not changing your stance.

When it comes to keeping people out of my business I have learned that not discussing it with them is the way to go.

Good luck...sounds like you are growing up and your mom is not ready


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## lrlittle (Nov 11, 2005)

I agree with trying to give her some info about it. Not that you should have to, you know, but if you want her to see it from your point of view. I recommend Our Babies Ourselves.

I've struggled with boundaries with my mom, too. When she saw DS in our bed she gave a huge sigh and a sing songy, eye brows raised, super annoying, "OK!". The most annoying part is that my mom will then go research it on her own, come to realize it's OK, and then pretend she did all along.







:


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## Valkyrie9 (Sep 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
Next time you are talking to her tell her you didn't realise she felt so strongly about this issue and that perhaps it would be best if you didn't discuss this anymore since it seems to bother her so much.









: That's really good!


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## SharonAnne (Jul 12, 2004)

My mom was nervous about us co-sleeping in the beginning. But, I made it clear, as you did, that this was not up for discussion.

Now that dd is older, (16 months) and mom can see that there have been no ill effects on HER, she's starting to tell me to stop co-sleeping for my MARRIAGE. The last time Paul and I got into a disagreement about something, mom said, "Well, maybe he's upset because Joey sleeps with you"

I looked at her like she has six heads, I'm sure







:

Point? Don't expect it to end as dc gets older. The argument might just change. Sigh.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Good for you for standing up to her! High-five! It's very important that you did that. It is essential that you parent you child the way that you need to, and the way you feel is right. Standing up to your own parent can be hard, but it's something that needs to be done. Parents have to know that they cannot control or dictate their adult children's lives. In the long run, your mother will learn to respect your choices when you stand your ground firmly.


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## Eli's_mommy (Mar 1, 2006)

nak

I agree that you send her more info. I understand where you;re coming from. My daddy's opinion is very important to me and he originally disagreed very much with my decision to not vaccinate (my brother passed from meningitis as an infant). Once I got the info to him, he actually looked into it more with me and now sees my point of view. Good luck!


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

When it comes to keeping people out of my business I have learned that not discussing it with them is the way to go.
This works very well for me and I get very very little flack from people.


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## coloradoalice (Oct 12, 2005)

I am really surprised she's that upset about co-sleeping. I've never heard of someone being that upset. Does she take it as a personal afront to the way she parented you? Because otherwise it doesn't make much sense. Why does she care where the baby sleeps? It seems like if she's going to be like this over something so simple she might really prove difficult on other parenting issues. This might end up defining how much control she thinks she gets as a grandparent. I would tell her that you aren't going to justify it to her, you are doing what you think is best, and if you need her advice on something you will ask for it. And then just don't discuss it. It's really and truly not something to hang up on someone over. It seems like she's being really passive- agressive and making you feel like you need to make amends. I would just allow things to sit for awhile and see if she tries to reach out to you. I hope she does, it sucks to have family treat you poorly because of parenting choices.


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## Fiddlemom (Oct 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
When it comes to keeping people out of my business I have learned that not discussing it with them is the way to go.









:

I had to pick my audience carefully about 1) homebirthing 2)co-sleeping 3)extended nursing 4) tandem nursing 5) homeschooling....but the only way I figured this out for myself was by crashing into the wrong person on the wrong day on subject #1







: ...after that I was a little more picky about when/where I shared certain kinds of information.

One thing that works pretty well when someone brings up a topic I don't feel like just talking with any ol' person about is, [smiling] "Wow! That's about a 3 hour conversation. I'd love to talk more with you about this. Do you want to make a date to talk?"

so sorry your mom hung up on you







:

good luck. I've had a lot of boundary issues with my mom too and they can be painful to navigate.


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## ejsmama (Jun 20, 2006)

I ran into something similar with my mom not about this one, but about giving birth to DS out of the hospital. We normally have a great relationship, but she was so upset that she hung up on me. I tried to remind myself that she was just misinformed, and that her emotions were out of love (she really believed that I was doing sometime to hurt my future son, and loved me enough to tell me). I gave her some time to cool down, and then said something like, "mom, I know that the reason you feel so strongly about this is that you love me and your future grandchild and are worried about us. I hope you can understand that the reason I feel strongly about this is love too. I really have researched this, and in this case, your feelings are just not supported by the most current research that has been done. I'd be happy to send you some of the things that I've read if that would help. But I'm going to have to ask you not to argue about this with me. I don't want it to harm our relationship or sour your relationship with your grandson."

My mom has not brought it up since, and I though I know she still talks about it behind my back, she has respected my boundaries. I think that it helped her that I acknowledged that her concern and care were motivated by love. Good luck, and I'm so sorry that you went through that. It is very painful, I know.


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## MeMommy (Aug 31, 2006)

Thanks all for your responses, it's always so heartwarming to see how caring, understanding, and supportive this online community is! I agree with a lot of the postings, it's not her business, and yes, she is very misinformed.

ladyslipper - It's hard for her to see how I interact with DD, to reassure her, because we actually live in two different countries!

jroselee - Thanks for the Dr. Jay link, it looks good, maybe I'll try sending her that. I can't send her info from Dr. Sears - although I love him! - her friend is a pediatrician - bad news, I know - and told her Dr. Sears is a nut. So there goes that.

coloradoalice - Yeah, it does make her insecure about the way she parented me. She's always saying, "But I did it this way and you turned out fine, right?"

ejsmama - you really got it - she's concerned. My mother happens to be a nervous type, and she loves Ahuva so much (she fell in love with her when she was helping me after the birth). She's just worried about her, and me. It's just hard that it's blinding her so much emotionally that she can't see how it's actually safer for her. Maybe I'll send her an email with your wording - it sounds very sensitive and caring, maybe it'll get through, thanks ejsmama!

Also, does anyone know of any research studies done that prove that co-sleeping does not cause dependence? This one's for my father, who's stayed pretty quiet about all this, bless him, but he would like to see some research. He's not worried about safety, just the emotional aspects and weaning her from co-sleeping in a gentle way.

I'll keep you posted, hope I have something positive to report soon. Thanks again everyone, and again, you guys are the greatest!


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## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

FWIW, this is the only thing I've *had* to stand up to my mother to, too! And I don't regret it. She was really upset, too, and kept bringing it up even after I stood up to her.

Go Mamma, Go! You totally know what's best.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I have a really crappy relationship with my parents to begin with. If they pushed this with me, my typical reaction would be to become indignant at the suggestion that I was so ignorant as to not research such an important issue thoroughly, and the implication that as a result I was going to put my son's life in danger. Then I'd ask them how much research they had done on the subject to arrive at such an accusation. Then I might throw in some jabs about how co-sleeping is how the vast majority of babies have slept throughout history and in most human societies and that I feel it is cold and inhumane for a baby to be forced to sleep in isolation. I'd add that it's totally moronic for new mothers in North America to whine about sleeplessness when it's because the way they arrange their lives ensures that they have to get out of bed to their baby's crying several times at night. How pleasant is it for a new baby to have to cry everytime she wants food or comfort? Sleep deprived mothers tend not to be very good mothers, and co-sleeping mothers tend to get far better sleep than do those whose baby is confined to an isolated cage. And on the subject of breastfeeding, I'd throw in the benefits of it and how the breastfeeding relationship is helped by co-sleeping. Grown adults enjoy the comfort of having their partner sleep next to them in bed yet a newborn should be isolated from birth? If babies were given a say, they'd say to scrap the overpriced nursery and put that money away for something that will enhance their life rather than deprive them of the interaction they need and crave.

It's hard for me to have a calm, polite conversation with my parents since they seldom treated me with respect.

So that ends my rant. It wasn't the greatest day here.

Co-sleeping has been awesome for us. It is certainly one of my favourite parts of parenting.

My mom was pressuring me into spending a gift certificate that I had on a crib. Dh started getting on board with her. I was quite annoyed with them but for whatever reason went along with it, choosing a convertible crib (changes to a todler bed and double bed frame) since I doubted it would actually be used as a crib. Well... that $400 pile of wood and the freaky mattress we bought with it (something scares me about those mattresses, maybe the plastic topping, I don't know) is sitting in Ontario. We moved to B.C. It was used a few times when Simon was napping. It was a waste of space and money. I wish I listened to my gut and bought something else with that gift certificate -- which was a wedding present.


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## hipcoolmama (Oct 2, 2006)

Trust your own instincts with parenting. You can be polite and explain your reseach and decisions to people, but at the end of the day you have to answer to yourself and do what you feel is best.

Good luck!


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## Brilliantmama (Sep 28, 2006)

An alternative kind of mom:

I thought you ladies might enjoy this. I am a stepmom to my little 2.5 yr Abby. I have only been "mom" for about 8 months and I have been crunching up her and hubby's lives. (They both love it.) But she was raised very traditionally: crib in another room, only disposable diapers, tons of processed food, etc. So I choose my battles and try not to stir things up too much with hubby "You do it THIS way? WHat are you thinking?!"

But my super crunchy mom (I was homebirthed, coslept, cloth diapered, and self-weaned, etc.) came out to visit us to meet her new grandbabe and was astonished and disturbed that she slept in an entirely different room and a "cage" (crib) at that! So I heard all about it. She was pretty good about understanding that we are changing things at a gradual pace so hubby doesn't feel like he is wrong (he was a single dad and grieving widower for 2 years!) But it was so interesting as she was visibly disturbed at our sleeping habits and nearly took Abby to bed with her just to put her mind at ease!

(And on the homefront, hubby said that he is interested in trying cosleeping sometime, so who knows!)

Bridget, wifey-to-be to Rich







(10/21/06) Mommy to my adopted Abby (4/15/04)







: FT social worker while hubby finishes grad school, plotting a SAHM transition and starting with a







: revolution while TTC #2







: and







up a storm


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## LookMommy! (Jun 16, 2002)

OK, only 1/2 serious here, but what if Mom2Seven's dh gave his "permission" or whatever. He is an Ortho Rabbi with 7 healthy children who I *believe* co-sleep (OK, Chava, if you are reading this - I hope you don't mind my giving your dh away!







). Would that impress her? Oh, and she's a nurse, on top of it! You should definitely "talk" to her--she has experience with "boundaries" with parents.


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## MeMommy (Aug 31, 2006)

K, after a week of back and forth through email, she's finally coming around.









Not 100% approval, but much better. She even checked out Dr. Sears' site, something I thought she'd never do after her pediatrician friend told her he's a nut. I think ejsmama's words really had an effect on her - she realized that I respected her and understood her concernd, and that I have the same concerns for my DD, which is my I'm doing this. Thanks for the good words, ejsmama!

LookMommy! - I'm also in Jerusalem! Any other APers here? Maybe we could get together or something... And, the only hang up my mother is still having - aside from the "she'll never leave" concern - is that it may not be in accordance with Jewish law. SO, she wants us to ask a sheilah (question to a Rabbi on Jewish law). My husband has begrudgingly agreed to ask his Rebbe, he's a little embarrased, but for my sake he's doing it. And then, I think, my mother will be much happier....









Thanks for all the support everyone, my mother and I are back on track, and I'm doing what I feel is best, and she's respecting my choices. Thanks everyone!


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joyfilledmomma* 
My mom and I just had a similar argument about cosleeping. She said that it's hard for her to keep my dd (dd stays with grandma for about 2-3 hours once a week) b/c she won't nap at her house because she's used to napping with me.

She insists she's not trying to tell me how to parent, but at the same time she keeps telling me that I need to get dd to sleep on her own during the day and at night which may mean letting her cry it out (to which I say..."no way!!") She even talked to my dh separately about the same issue which Really annoyed me because she knows that he's not a fan of cosleeping. Thankfully my dh supports and trusts me as a momma even though he doesn't completely love cosleeping, so he told my mom the same thing I had told her which is that we are going to continue to cosleep and if that means that my mom is not comfortable watching dd then we will just keep her with us on "date night."

My mom is not happy with me, but my daughter's security is more important than her happiness..hang in there momma..you are doing the right thing and you're not alone!

That's too bad.







: If she's only there once/week for 2-3 hours, grandma could adjust and make the most of that time by lying down with the baby!


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

*Sorry your mum hung up on you hun







co-sleeping is lovely its nice be able to cuddle up with your baby and its good for baby as from what i've read your body acts as a thermostat so if baby gets too hot your body temperature comes down so that baby cools down and vice versa*


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