# Confused and conflicted....



## fairymama (Apr 18, 2002)

Just found out my SIL is more than likely having a miscarriage. I have so many emotions right now. She is 6 weeks along and this was not a planned pregnancy. Of course, that doesn't matter. She was told two days ago when her bleeding began she has lost one baby, but there was still a sac with a beating heart. Then last night she lost quite a bit of blood and tissue and is seeing the dr. today to find out if the baby is still viable. The almost identical thing happened to me almost three years ago. It was after infertility treatment and the most devestating thing to ever happen to me. I still don't know if I've come to grips with losing my two little ones. There is just so much anger and bitterness left over poor medical treatment. After more fertility treatments and heartache, and early spotting scares, I was able to have a baby, yet why do I still have jealousy toward pregnant women?? I always feel envious and think they don't really appreciate what they have, because it came too easy for them and they never had to experience loss. I hate feeling this way. My first thought for SIL was she didn't want to be pregnant anyway, which was followed by so much guilt for even thinking such a thing. I've spoken with her today and I'm trying to be supportive, but it's hard and I hate my bad feelings.
Thanks for reading this long ramble. Would love to hear if anyone else still has bitter feelings. I do think I need to have some more counseling. I thought my perfect baby would put all this behind me, but it did'nt. Thanks--Pamela


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Having a perfect baby certainly makes our days brighter. But, it didn't replace the children you lost, nor can one person heal you completely.

I think your feelings are so natural. Thank you for your honesty. We feel so guilty when we have these feelings, but to be honest, I think most of us do. Explore why your feeling this way. Is it bitterness toward her? Or toward the fact that you lost so much and fought so hard to have a healthy baby? Your feelings are here to guid you and heal you.

Greif work takes time - I actually feel that greif is a lifelong journey that we travel through.

I wish you peacfull gentleness as you journey through this new path in your greif.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

After three pregnancy losses, even the birth of my son didn't heal my sad, angry, heartbroken feelings. It wasn't until he was a year old that I finally found peace and healing. Everyone assumed that once I had a baby, I would be "all better," but it really didn't happen that way. And of course I felt I couldn't talk about how I was feeling, because it seemed so "ungrateful" to those around me. Having a baby doesn't automatically heal the hurt. The healing takes time, and happens differently for everyone.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

KatherineinCA, thank you! you summed that up so beautifuly.


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## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Fairymama, your feelings are understandable. Try to have sympathy for yourself. Have you tried journaling to write out your thoughts on paper, it does help - I have been using this technique for these past months and I am finding that I am better able to deal with my "demons." I must admit that yesterday at the local park I saw a women with three boys, who looked like she was pregnant with her fourth and she was not really involved with playing with her children. I was mystified by her behavior. Perhaps I caught her at an odd moment, or she was tired. But I felt jealous and was angry at God for not allowing me to have a second at this time and perhaps given recent events I may never have another child, I am processing this now and it may take years to go through. So give yourself time and lots of care. Nuturing ourselves is one way we moms can give to our children and others.

Good luck and blessings to you,

Beth


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## fairymama (Apr 18, 2002)

Thank-you so much for all the kind, wise responses. I heard late yesterday that my SIL did go ahead and miscarry the other baby as well. I was the first one she called and we spoke for some time. It was very strange because it seemed to me she was really not all that upset, just wanted medical info, which I can understand to a point. A friend called me last night and as I was telling her about the seeming lack of emotion, she made a good point. My SIL is not in a good living situation right now in that she and her husband farm with her in-laws and they are seriously psycho and her marriage is far from steady. My friend pointed out she might have been relieved not to have a baby right now. Ours was so wanted and we were so devestated, it's been hard for me to fathom anyone not feeling the same way. I do think I need to journal some of my feelings about all of this. I also belief my reaction has been a little more severe as we are starting to have people ask us when we are going to have another baby. I just want to slap several of them, as some know about our infertility struggle and loss. Our baby is only 18 months old and of course I would love to give her a sibling. That attitude from so many that when you want a healthy baby, boom it happens still enrages me. I told DH a few weeks ago our infertility struggle has been a gift in lots of ways because we take nothing in life for granted anymore and we are able to truly love every moment with our baby. Thanks for sharing everyone, although I often read and never have posted before, this forum has helped me immensly!!
Love, Pamela


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I like the way your moving through this. I know your feeling frustrated. That's so understandable.

Another thing you may want to keep in mind is that greif does wait. She may not know how to express her emotions right now. So, please, be prepaired for her to have an out-pouring of emotions at some time - she may need your support at another time.

Lamplighter had a great suggestion. Journaling is a wonderful way to work through your emotions and come to an understanding of what's happening with you. I still feel some anger for my SIL's who have babies on a dime that they don't really even want and I had to struggle and take horrible drugs just to conceive. They had medical births, but could have gone natural - I HAD to have medical births! Yeah, some resentment there. But, as time goes on, I find ways to cope with thoes feelings. Writing has made such a HUGE difference to me!

Wishing you peace and gentleness. Please feel free to post your emotions here. So manhy of ous have felt the same thing - no judgements here! Just love and support.


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## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

For some people it takes time to hit. People go into shock. This helps protect them emotionally from dealing with things. I did this 9 years ago. It took 2 years before I broke down about that child. Every May, I'm wistful, longing for that child. Yet, when it initially happened then, I only wanted to know what would happen, what to expect. I had one day of meltdown and moved on. Now with Morgan I think of both of my angels, constantly. Don't be angry for her not being upset right now, at some point, when she ahs time to think, her grief will be there waiting, so just be there for her.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


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## fairymama (Apr 18, 2002)

Xiola's Mama,
I think you are rights that my SIL has been in shock. She only knew for 3 weeks she was pregnant, and then all this happened so fast. I spoke to her last night and she's still dealing with the physical part, but the emotional part is starting to kick in now. She suffers from depression anyway, so I am worried about her. I've tried to be there for her as much as I can, but I feel so inadequate.
I also wanted to tell you how horrible and unfair I think your loss was/is. I read it when you first posted and did not respond, as sorry seemed so small compared to the enormity of what you went through and will contiune to face the rest of your life. I do want to say I've been touched by many things you've written and I wish the best for you and your DH as you decided to try and conceive again. It must be a very bittersweet decision for you.
Much love, Pamela


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