# 5 year old is a screamer...



## 3 little birds (Nov 19, 2001)

My son is 5 and screams in response to almost anything that he is not happy about. I am very willing to acknowledge my role in his screaming-he started it between 2 and 3, I was pregnant and my dad was dying and there were various other variables, so many times he was given what he wanted to stop the screaming. Obviously this was a huge mistake and the screaming has become a bad habit that we have been trying to cure for the past 2 years to little result.

We joke that ds has no volume control-he speaks loudly and finds it very hard to speak softly, to the point that we worried about his hearing, but it seems to be fine. He is also very intense and dramatic. He is opinionated and stubborn. For example, we thought we would try VPK last fall and both my husband and I spoke to the teacher and explained that ds wasn't like our other children. She sort of poo-poo'd us and said that she had been teaching for 40 years and took her Montessori exam with Maria Montessori's son, etc. Well, after a couple of rough months I tried to speak to her about a situation at school and she lectured me on how difficult ds was and how she had to use all 40 years of experience with him. (We tried to warn her).

So back to the screaming. If ds is told no, or doesn't like something a sibling does-which is about 100 times a day with 4 siblings, he screams. In a blood curdling manner that stops the heart. Unfortunately, my now 2.5 year old is imitating him and there is a baby on the way-which is also not conducive to screaming. Plus, it is not good for ds as he needs to learn other ways to deal with frustration.

We have tried reasoning with him, explaining how the screaming makes other people feel, taking away privileges, offering alternatives to screaming-(pillow punching, etc). He eats a low sugar, gluten-free, dairy free diet (allergies). He eats almost no food coloring and on the rare occasion that he gets it, we notice an increase in his frustration levels, so it is no more.

There has been yelling other than ds's screaming in our house,including yelling done by the parents. We are working diligently at stopping this completely and modeling appropriate behavior.

I feel as though I am missing something still. If anyone has any ideas I would be very grateful and would love to hear any suggestions.


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## Adasmommy (Feb 26, 2005)

I would think that ignoring the screaming would be most effective. Then there's no point.

You could say, "Try again without screaming." Or, "When you've calmed down, let's read one of the books we got from the library." But I would not let any anger or frustration creep into my voice. Just casually point out that screaming doesn't accomplish anything in this family.

I haven't been there, so it's just my thought on it. Good luck!


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## enigo (Mar 11, 2009)

I posted in another thread about my 4 yr old screamer. He is the same way.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1239162
I got a lot of good advice.

One thing I have certainly learned is to stick to it if I say no. If I give in...even a little..as in "Ok, just one piece of candy", or "OK we don't have to leave" the next scream fest is worse when he wants more of whatever made him scream. I figured at some point, he's going to scream either way and it ends quicker if I don't give in at all.

I have also been worried sick about school, knowing there is no way someone else is going to have the patience that I (used to) have with him.
I usually do what PP said. I try to just tell him I can't understand him when he screams and try to pre-emp any screaming by avoiding (if possible) known hysteria causing situations.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I've said "Can you use your friendly voice? I can't understand your words when you shout.", and then don't respond to shouting except with a request for a friendlier voice. I've told Our 4.5 year old DD that if she screams I think something is wrong and only to do it if she'd hurt or frightened. My DD is very loud but doesn't scream much and my reactions to it have been effective. Since your DS has a habit of screaming it would take awhile of not responding to the screaming with a boring reminder to use a nicer voice to make a difference. My DH and I aren't really shouters but he is loud. He talks loud and reacts loud when watching sports.


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## mom2grrls (Jul 24, 2008)

We always joke that my son is a loud talker and has no quiet voice lol. I would try to use the word no less than what you are doing now, perhaps he is reacting more to the word than the actual situation. Try to avoid situations that normally cause tension if at all possible and make sure he is sleeping well. It takes awhile for some behaviors to cycle through so even though you are working on changing the yelling level it may take him even longer. I would start with a book like How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk for ideas on diffusing the screaming


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## Mittsy (Dec 29, 2009)

My dd(5yo) is a screamer too, and she also has problems with "volume control", I so feel your pain. We haven't found anything that works, but currently we're trying to encourage her to have some playful yelling time when she gets stressed at home. If we're out somewhere and she starts yelling I tell her that if she needs some yelling time to let me know and I'll take her to a more secluded area. This seems to be helping a little.

Hugs to you!!


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## 3 little birds (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you so much for the replies! We have been very neutrally requesting a "normal" voice and it seems to be helping a little. I was aware that I had been giving in on things to avoid the screaming and have stopped that as well. A friend babysat the other day so I could go to the midwife and she really felt he needed a hearing test. She says she knows he can hear but maybe there is something tonal going on because he screams instead of talking (even if he is not upset). I have wondered if it is possible that he feels the need to be so loud in order to be noticed in such a large family.


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## 3 little birds (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, at school, I never got a report that he was screaming-other than the first day or two when he was left. At first, school seemed to be having a good effect, he was controlling himself better at home. The teacher was requiring him to do certain lessons and not letting him do others, which was not the type of Montessori we were used to and she also told some very scary Halloween stories (we don't do Halloween, so ds isn't used to the stories). This included lots of decorations and telling the children that one of the witches on the wall came alive at night, etc. Well, ds who isn't afraid of anything was terrified and wouldn't go in a room with a closed door (including a bathroom) for months. He couldn't sleep and even had an accident or two, so we decided it wasn't the right school for us.
The fact that he was initially doing well at school lead me to believe that the screaming was something we were unknowingly encouraging at home.
Anyway, we are still working on it and seeing some improvement.


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## onesupermomma (Jul 14, 2010)

I am glad you are seeing some positive improvements. My cousin was terrible with tantrums over silly little things when she was 2yo through about 5yo. Two cures you might try. Putting him in the shower (yes fully clothed) and turning on the cold water (untill he's "cooled off"). I know it sounds bad and unorthodox, but there's nothing that works better than the element of surprise. Another thing to try, if screaming is present in a public place then start acting just like him and scream and throw yourself down (or whatever he usually does). A lot of the time they will be embarrased and stop what they are doing to ponder, "what on earth is Mom doing". Then you can explain to him that's how he looks and sounds every time he screams or throws a tantrum and the way he felt is the same way you feel everytime he does it. Just some suggestions I have seen work with a screamer. Good luck and God bless you.


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## Mittsy (Dec 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onesupermomma* 
I am glad you are seeing some positive improvements. My cousin was terrible with tantrums over silly little things when she was 2yo through about 5yo. Two cures you might try. Putting him in the shower (yes fully clothed) and turning on the cold water (untill he's "cooled off"). I know it sounds bad and unorthodox, but there's nothing like the element of surprise.

I'm sorry but how is this going to help the op's child with his screaming? This just sounds horrid to me!!


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## CassnBeth (Jul 30, 2007)

I know some kids just get into the habit of talking loudly but have you looked into sensory-seeking behavior? Just in case?


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## Savoir Faire (Nov 17, 2007)

I'd definitely say that he's getting some sort of attention for this behavior.

My daughter had some issues where she went through this period where she'd make the most awful noise-- like fingers on a chalkboard to my brain-- when she did not get her way.

Off to the therapist we finally went...

Anyway, the therapist told me to tell her that making that noise (or screaming, in you case) is not acceptable and you do not like it. Tell him when he's ready to calm down and speak in a nice voice, then you will be very happy to talk to him.

Then. LEAVE THE ROOM. It might get worse for a bit-- he's going to see just how serious you are with it. But, you've got to stand firm. He can't scream like this-- so not good for the family, or for you, or for him.

Hang in there.


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## onesupermomma (Jul 14, 2010)

All I can say is that it worked. For "tantrum" screaming episodes. When kids throw tantrums because they didn't get their way and such. But, "to each his owne".


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

My 4yo DS does this. I haven't found a "cure" for the issue but I guess I have quick-fix solutions on a case by case basis. Sometimes I'll tell him he can scream into a pillow. Other times I'll tell him I won't talk to him until he can stop screaming. It does get very overwhelming, though.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onesupermomma* 
Putting him in the shower (yes fully clothed) and turning on the cold water (untill he's "cooled off"). I know it sounds bad and unorthodox, but there's nothing that works better than the element of surprise.

I'm not really seeing how this is different from spanking. It hurts to be in cold water. I mean, of course, it's not spanking, but it's physical pain / discomfort as punishment.


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