# Concerned about dd friend's attire



## Shanna2007 (Jan 1, 2007)

My 10 yo dd has made friends with a girl in her class at school. The girl is friendly, but in my opinion she dresses too mature for her age-she is more mature physically than my daughter. She wears the pants with words on her rear, and spaghetti straps that show way too much. I overheard my older son making some comments about her which made me even more determined to do something. I BARELY know this child's parents. Is there a tactful way to tell them about my concern, or should I just keep quiet and make sure my daughter doesn't copy her?

Shan


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I don't think there's anything you can say - or should say. She's not sneaking out and putting these clothes on (or you don't say she is) so I assume they bought the clothes and know what she's wearing. Frankly, I would be really ticked if someone decided to have a talk with me about the appropriateness of my daughter's clothes. That's their call to make.

I don't know what to tell you if your daughter starts to try to copy the friend or try out her style, but I would not speak to the friend or her parents about her clothes. That's really their call.

You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I think that saying something to the girl's parents is a really good way to get a mom and dad extremely angry. Honestly, there isn't a tactful way to talk to her parents about this. And honestly, don't even try to find one!









I can understand being concerned that her clothing choices will rub off on your dd, but that's something easily handled by the explanation something like, "We don't allow clothes like that because we feel they're too revealing for a girl your age. Yes, I know her parents do - but we don't."

Is the girl wearing this clothing at school? Our dress code doesn't allow things like that.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 

You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.

That is exactly what I was going to say.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Take a step back and read what you've written. You think it's your business to decide what other people's children should wear, but you're not saying anything to your son?

I agree- it's none of your business what the girl is wearing. You should be concerned with your son.

-Angela


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

:


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

while i agree that you really shouldn't say anything to the girl's parents about her clothes, i don't think you need to give your son the 3rd degree about his comment either.

did he say something to her? what exactly did he say? i dought his comment was any more inappropriate than her clothing. (meaning both are fine as long as he didn't say anything mean or sexual to her)


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

i don't think you need to give your son the 3rd degree about his comment either.
I was thinking along the lines of don't judge a book by it's cover, girls that age are just finding themselves, they take every comment to heart, it's just not nice to comment on a young girl's body or clothes, etc. I'm not saying you need to sign him up for sensitivity training or anything. It's just a good teaching moment.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

With all due respect, it's none of your business what she wears. I would talk to my son about his comments though.


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## [email protected] (May 8, 2007)

well thats were these groovy girl dolls come in isnt it..
maybe offer the little girl a sweater. tell her she looks COLD..
just make sure you tell your daughter thats not the way you'd like to see her dress.. and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Boys will be boys? And what do you expect if you wear certain clothes?

I expect parents to teach their sons to respect women. This isn't about looking, it's about comments. And actions. Your post sounds like the old, well she deserved to get raped, did you see what she was wearing......


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys..

Sure, if you have rock-bottom low expectations of someone's behavior, they'll usually live up to it.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........









EXCUSE ME? We should teach our daughters that they deserve to be treated like dirt if they wear the wrong thing? And we should teach our boys that we expect them to be pigs?

-Angela


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
well thats were these groovy girl dolls come in isnt it..
and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........









That saying ("boys will be boys") hurts my heart as a mother of two boys. What I think it really means when people say it is "boys are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy/insert negative adjectives here and they can't help it."

Is this what you meant?

Also, I don't think the problem is that he *looked* it is that he apparently made an inappropriate comment.


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## [email protected] (May 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 
That saying ("boys will be boys") hurts my heart as a mother of two boys. What I think it really means when people say it is "boys are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy/insert negative adjectives here and they can't help it."

Is this what you meant?

Also, I don't think the problem is that he *looked* it is that he apparently made an inappropriate comment.

I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise.







.Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..


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## veggijessie (Aug 21, 2006)

I am going to rock the boat a little.









What if the girls parents don't know how she is dressed? Maybe her parents have guidelines for certain clothes and she is breaking the "rules" at your house. I think you should try to build a friendship with the parents and then maybe later bring up the clothes. Who knows they could be really cool people!

I also think that we need to teach our boys to respect woman.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise.







.Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..

Wow- sorry that's your opinion of half of the population.

-Angela


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I guess it's a lot easier to write boys off than it is to raise them properly, and a lot easier to excuse bad behavior than to challenge it.


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you


Thank you for apologizing, although it was not necessary.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..

REALLY? CONSTANTLY? I would guess that you are wrong here- that the men in your life have many complex, deep, and diverse thoughts, only one of which is sex.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
where do you think the term comes from..

I'm assuming you mean the saying "boys will be boys." I don't know where it comes from. Probably the same place that says "girls are sugar and spice and all things nice."







:


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise.







.Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..

I'm dumbfounded as well. You ARE saying - at the very least - that they're horny all the time. Well, so are a lot of girls. That doesn't mean making rude or derogatory comments (and OP didn't say just what it was her son said, so my apologies if it's being mischaracterized) is okay. There are actually men who are able to moderate what they say - they're not all horny boobs who can't control themselves.


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## [email protected] (May 8, 2007)

IM not going to reply anymore in the best intrest of keeping this light.

I will moderate myself,


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## Ruth S (Mar 27, 2007)

Of course boys and men can control what they do and say, but they can't always control the direction their thoughts and penises jump







(inside their trousers of course!).

What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions _are_ provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

I think it is totally appropriate to talk to the school about your concerns (without naming a specific child) and have them address the kids during health class or whenever.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Well thank the gods I homeschool so I don't have to feel obligated to censor my childs clothing lest she be an "unfair" distraction


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

And this happens even when the girls are dressed like nuns. Boy's penises can be unpredictable. I would think we all know this.


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

spaghetti straps come up often as conversation.

If other students her age in her class can wear spaghetti straps then she should be allowed to too. If spaghetti straps are banned altogether than she should not.

I don't think a child should be punished for their bodies progressing at a different rate than their peers, you have no idea the complexes that can be given by telling a child who is already self conscious about their body that what they wear is wrong unless it is wrong for everyone else their age and they are not being singled out.


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
Of course boys and men can control what they do and say, but they can't always control the direction their thoughts and penises jump







(inside their trousers of course!).

What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions _are_ provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

I think it is totally appropriate to talk to the school about your concerns (without naming a specific child) and have them address the kids during health class or whenever.

To be honest during puberty a pretty girls face was enough to make the trooper stand at attention. What the girl wears really doesn't make a difference.

I know I've argued the other side of this debate before, but honestly the only dress code I can get behind is one that EVERYONE is held up to. I do agree that young women today probably dress too mature, but I remember when I was in school it was the same issue. So... you have to ask yourself.... Is it REALLY an issue? I don't think so, people should wear what they are comfortable in.

All that being said, if spaghetti straps are deemed appropriate for an 8 year old, and 18 years old but nothing in between? that just doesn't make sense. Just because a girl is developing should not make the clothes any more inappropriate than they were 2 years ago or that they will be any more appropriate in 8 more years.

And as for prebuscent and pubescent boys? They will be distracted by girls, or boys for that matter, during those years regardless of what the person they are fantasizing about is wearing.


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## sunflwrmoonbeam (Oct 9, 2006)

I personally have never understood why spaghetti straps are so scandalous. I have worn a spaghetti strap camisole almost every day for the past, oh, 7 years, including half of high school. They're comfortable, great for layering, and incredibly versatile. It's mid May, and pushing 90 in Central Illinois. If I weren't pregnant and super bloated and not fitting an anything, I'd be wandering around in my normal spaghetti straps and shorts because that's what's comfortable and seasonably appropriate.

It bothers me quite a lot when people see a normal, simple shirt, and try to sexualize it.

As most people said, it's not anyone but her parent's place to comment on that girls' clothing. And the OP should definitely say something to her son. It's attitudes like that that make women's life hell. Because of people feeling compelled to comment on what I wear and how I look, I can't walk down the street without being harassed on a daily basis. And I'm guessing that these men's parents never told them it was wrong to comment on another person's clothing.


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions _are_ provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

I don't think that anyone should have to wonder if their clothing is too sexy. It is not being unfair to boys to have speg. straps on! They can handle it! Why do so many people still view boys as these wild beasts that you don't want to provoke???? Whether or not they might get an erection should NOT dictate what a girl wears.


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

Quote:

She wears the pants with words on her rear, and spaghetti straps that show way too much.
This is common wear for girls here, usually if just hanging out, playing sports, etc. I have seen much more mature/skimpy clothes on 10yo DD friends-short skirts with knee high socks, etc. And it is true, what is a sweet childs outfit on a prepubescent girl is often seen as scandelous on a developing/developed girl. It is up to each parent, not me.

Have I stopped my 10yo DD from wearing certain outfits? Yep. Some things stay in for dress up for her safety. I have taught her it isn't right that some people are gonna see her in that little dress an dressy shoes/boots and judge her or see it as an open door for whatever, but some will and I have to protect her. I tread lightly and she gets it, she has seen and heard how some people react. And she wears spaghetti straps now that it is warm, I never would see that as questionable for any girl.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Well thank the gods I homeschool so I don't have to feel obligated to censor my childs clothing lest she be an "unfair" distraction

















:

No kidding....

-Angela


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 
I don't think that anyone should have to wonder if their clothing is too sexy. It is not being unfair to boys to have speg. straps on! They can handle it! Why do so many people still view boys as these wild beasts that you don't want to provoke???? Whether or not they might get an erection should NOT dictate what a girl wears.











-Angela


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

This is reminding me --- When my daughter was in 6th grade, I let her buy a pair of high, wedge-heeled shoes. The shoes were not something I would want to wear, but my daughter loved them, and I didn't think they were that bad. Well -- another mother called me to say, "I can't believe you're letting your daughter wear those shoes!"

To be honest, I wasn't offended at all -- it just seemed funny to me. I remember laughing when I hung up the phone. Not really laughing at the other woman, but just thinking that it was funny that someone was so upset by shoes that I hadn't given that much thought to. My daughter is in college now, but whenever I see that woman, I think of the "shoe incident." But she and I are always friendly when we see each other, we stop and say "how are you."


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

BTW, my DD and I discuss this stuff and it isn't exactly about just the boys. Realize, she wears whatever, I just say no to miniature bratz doll-kwim? Dress up for fun, don't do it just for the attention, the boys, etc. And realize the negative attention you may get if you wear certain things. Life is a lesson, when she is older it will be her choice.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I would talk to your DD about how we have different rules in our house than her friend does, and she will not be allowed to wear certain things that her friend is allowed to wear.

And I would talk to DS about respect for women, what kind of language is expected from him, etc. Just because this girl is wearing revealing clothing does NOT give him liscence to make innapropriate comments about her body. She's still a human being underneath.

It's not your place to talk to the girl, or her parents, about what she wears.


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## Shanna2007 (Jan 1, 2007)

Thanks for the responses, all of your advice. I will just stick to my family's values. I agree that girls should not be judged by their clothes, I guess that is what I was doing. I've already talked to my son about his comments, just reminding him to be respectful of others.

Shan


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## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

As a feminist, I believe it is societies collective responsibility to teach both men and women to respect their bodies. And the bodies of others.

That being said, it is not our responsibility to say what it means to respect our OWN body. We can tell what it means to us (clothing that covers more of our bodies, exercise, good food, etc.) but we can't dictate to them what it means to them.... as much as we'd like to.

So I would try to bring up 3 different conversations:

Little Girl: how are you doing... yada yada. How's school - what are you learning. I really like your shoes today - don't you love how ballet slippers make your feet feel like..... how about dd, you and I look through some of the clothing mags... And when you are looking though talk about the history of womens clothing from bras, ect. Maybe point out some clothes and how men make comments and it sucks but we can't eradicate them from the face of the earth can we







: !

DD - heart to heart about men and what YOUR expectations are for dress and WHY. Talk about protecting herself from men who have unscrupulous thoughts about her - whatever your reasons are.

DS - women are beautiful creatures aren't they. yesterday I saw something that really upset me. I saw some men whistling at a woman and saying inappropriate things - insert actual words you have heard - and I want to make sure that you know that men don't actually do that. When a man wants to have a relationship with a woman he befriends her and sometimes the relationship leads to a physical level. Sex..... is wonderful, beautiful, special, etc.

10-13 is a hard age for young girls. I know my parents didn't allow me to dress inappropriately.... which doesn't mean that I didn't. It sucks, but we have to support them (young ladies) in their decision. I didn't mellow out until after college when I had to have a professional wardrobe and I fell in love with some of the higher end stores that dealt with the more professional woman.... and I had no money to buy both.

Good luck, you may be the only adult who models your form of "appropriate behavior" for her.

disclaimer - this is just my opinion...


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I don't think there's anything you can say - or should say. She's not sneaking out and putting these clothes on (or you don't say she is) so I assume they bought the clothes and know what she's wearing. Frankly, I would be really ticked if someone decided to have a talk with me about the appropriateness of my daughter's clothes. That's their call to make.

I don't know what to tell you if your daughter starts to try to copy the friend or try out her style, but I would not speak to the friend or her parents about her clothes. That's really their call.

You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.









Yep, ITA

eta: I keep hearing about how spagetti straps are the issue but really isn't it more HOW the spag. straps fit? I mean, I wear spag straps and I'm, um, curvy but nothing shows.







So, yeah, is she wearing spagetti straps that show her shoulders and neckline or is it showcasing abundant jiggling cleavage? Again, it's her call but I do see the distinction for myself at least.









And, yeah, as a Mom of Boys, I'd have an educational chat w/my sons about commenting on women's bodies.

And, yeah, as a wife of a male, I have been told that it's not the amount of cleavage, etc that's displayed to an adolescent male...it's more the fact that the body is female...


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 

I'm assuming you mean the saying "boys will be boys." I don't know where it comes from. Probably the same place that says "girls are sugar and spice and all things nice."







:

What is it..."snips & snails & puppy dog tails?"


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
well thats were these groovy girl dolls come in isnt it..
maybe offer the little girl a sweater. tell her she looks COLD..
just make sure you tell your daughter thats not the way you'd like to see her dress.. and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........









I am dumbfounded by this post. THIS is where the seed of misogyny is planted. In the minds of our sons, and we as women and mothers need to be vigilent about teaching our sons to respect the minds and bodies of girls and women from the BEGINNING.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I am dumbfounded by this post. THIS is where the seed of misogyny is planted. In the minds of our sons, and we as women and mothers need to be vigilent about teaching our sons to respect the minds and bodies of girls and women from the BEGINNING.

Wouldn't it be nice if the boys/men/girls/women respected the hearts and minds of others even if some choose to dress in a manner that emphasizes sexual attractiveness?

Why must "sexually HOT" and "respected" be exclusive?

Perhaps the reason is that young girls do not benefit from being sexually active, that choice is widely unwise, and thus these girls are seen as foolish. And it is a bit foolish either way -- foolish to be sexually involved as a child/young teen, or foolish to send a signal that is a clear biological sex invite when you don't intend to follow through.

Just musing. I woke up really early.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Yes you did- way to early for me









I think "sexually hot" should be reserved for those who can handle the emotional and physical obligation of the label, and not for emotionally vulnerable pubescent girls (or boys for that matter).

Sexual attractiveness isn't something that should be hidden. Unfortunately for early developing girls these assets often confuse them, single them out, and cause confusion (not true for early developing boys who are generally respected and praised as if physical maturity=fully mature).


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captivatedlife* 
Little Girl: how are you doing... yada yada. How's school - what are you learning. I really like your shoes today - don't you love how ballet slippers make your feet feel like..... how about dd, you and I look through some of the clothing mags... *And when you are looking though talk about the history of womens clothing from bras, ect. Maybe point out some clothes and how men make comments* and it sucks but we can't eradicate them from the face of the earth can we







: !

This is what you are advising someone say to a child that is not their own???

I have a 10 year old DD who wears shirts with spag straps, and if you talked to her this way, she would never ever go over to your house again. Becuase YOU have hang ups with a child's shoulders is NO reason to talk to my DD about "how men make comments."

Quote:

Good luck, you may be the only adult who models your form of "appropriate behavior" for her.
As the mother of a 10 year old who wears tanks, spag straps and such, this is just offensive.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
foolish to send a signal that is a clear biological sex invite when you don't intend to follow through.

I'm really fuzzy on how wearing spag. straps does this.

My point of view is jaded by the fact that we homeschool, and the most time we spend around my kids peers is at swim practice/swim meets -- and all the kids wear swim suits. And nobody is hung up on their bodies. The boys are wearing tunks and the girls and wearing racing suits and the kids are more concerned with their events than each other bodies.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I'm really fuzzy on how wearing spag. straps does this.

Oh, I don't think it does as much as a lot of other things. (If the girl is showing her pit hair, that's a bit more showy than if she shaves them, for example.)

But we do a lot of things to emphasize areas of the body that advertise fertility. Signs of fertility draw people to each other sexually.

Words on round hiney draw the eye to said hiney. The roundness is a sign of fertility. Thus, its turn on potential.

Lipstick emphasizes the lips. Round, full lips are a sign of high estrogen levels.

And so forth.


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## Unoppressed MAMA Q (Jun 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
Oh, I don't think it does as much as a lot of other things. (If the girl is showing her pit hair, that's a bit more showy than if she shaves them, for example.)


as a natural body hair kinda woman, i am totally lost about this. can you clarify for me? showing vs. shaving pit hair is sexually showy? i've never heard this before....


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Unoppressed MAMA Q* 
as a natural body hair kinda woman, i am totally lost about this. can you clarify for me? showing vs. shaving pit hair is sexually showy? i've never heard this before....

It's a visual marker of sexual maturity. IMO this is one of the main reasons behind the fashion of shaving the armpit. It's too sexy for general consumption.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise.







.Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..

Seriously....you think every guy constantly thinks about sex. I can assure you that isn't the case for my husband. I find it completely insane that there are still people who have this line of thinking.







:


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I tell my girls my honest opinion about skimpy clothes-- I think it's rude to walk around half naked-- but I tell them they are free to make their own decisions about clothes. Anyway I don't consider thin straps or words on the derriere skimpy. I consider half-an-inch-more-and-it-would-be-nudity skimpy. That is just my personal opinion, I find a lot ofthings offensive others might not. I realize I am subjective and I don't expect my girls to think like I do.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

meowee- do/would you say the same thing regarded being half-nude with your sons?


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## Adastra (May 30, 2007)

I think what's disturbing about a young girl wearing revealing clothes is that adults realize (and she doesn't) that she's making herself attractive not only to boys that are her peers but to boys/men that are inappropriately older.

I remember finding that out at 14 or 15 and being horrified.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I would really just focus on what is going on in my "own" home! I would talk to my son and discuss with my daughter what is appropriate for "our" family and our views. And if the clothing was extreme I would limit contact between the 2 girls. Our dress code does not allow for skimpy shorts, tank tops, shorts skirts, or words on bottoms. I really dont think that those things are school appropriate "for my children" and I fully enforce those rules in "my" home!


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

It would not at all be appropriate for you to talk to the other girls parents. All you can do is enforce your own dress codes for your own kids...its not really any of your business what the other girl is wearing.


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## MamaRhi (Nov 24, 2001)

I was one of those early developed girls and I can tell you without a doubt that if any mother expressed her distaste with my clothing because of this I would be mortified. It is hard enough to have an ackward developing body at such a young age. My gawd, don't make her life worse.

Second, my 8-y-o DD loves to wear spaghetti strap camis and yoga pants. With her belly covered she seems to be wearing appropriate and comfortable attire IMO. However, I once ran into Mervyn's to buy her a quick change after a fall in the ocean and all I could find was a pair of pink yoga style pants WITH WORDS ON THE REAR. I cringed, not wanting to advertise a brand, but bought them for the poor cold girl in the car. She loved those pants and wore them till her ankles showed. I find this outfit hardly skimpy. Walk into a yoga studio full of grown women, they usually wear spaghetti straps and tight butted yoga pants, sometimes even with words on them.

Children do not sexualize themselves so much as adults do it for them. Boys and girls should be able to dress comfortably, not worry about sex, and kept away from adults who obsess over the sexualization of children's bodies.

If you decide to talk to a child's parents about their clothing/appearance, please remember that not all of us crunchy granola, natural family living parents are cut from the same mold.


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

The modern practice of women shaving body hair was invented by the makers of disposable razors to sell twice as many razors. It was marketed in a classist way to help wealthier women distinguish themselves from poor women. I imagine it was also tied to the never-ending push for women to be perpetually infantilized - sexualized for appearing childlike.

Anyway, I agree with many other posters - the biggest problem I saw in the OP was the son's comment. Girls should not be made to feel responsible for the feelings of boys and men. They aren't.


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
I guess it's a lot easier to write boys off than it is to raise them properly, and a lot easier to excuse bad behavior than to challenge it.









:


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tishie* 
The modern practice of women shaving body hair was invented by the makers of disposable razors to sell twice as many razors. It was marketed in a classist way to help wealthier women distinguish themselves from poor women. I imagine it was also tied to the never-ending push for women to be perpetually infantilized - sexualized for appearing childlike.

Anyway, I agree with many other posters - the biggest problem I saw in the OP was the son's comment. Girls should not be made to feel responsible for the feelings of boys and men. They aren't.

actually women shaving their body hair dates back to the ancient Egypt times
link1
link2
link3


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

That's why I used the specifier "modern."


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

PS: Those links and this handy timeline seem to agree with my statement.

CLICK


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## Mamma Mia (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I don't think there's anything you can say - or should say. She's not sneaking out and putting these clothes on (or you don't say she is) so I assume they bought the clothes and know what she's wearing. Frankly, I would be really ticked if someone decided to have a talk with me about the appropriateness of my daughter's clothes. That's their call to make.

I don't know what to tell you if your daughter starts to try to copy the friend or try out her style, but I would not speak to the friend or her parents about her clothes. That's really their call.

*You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.*

Yeah. All of that, but especially the last part.


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## Mamma Mia (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
I guess it's a lot easier to write boys off than it is to raise them properly, and a lot easier to excuse bad behavior than to challenge it.

For real.


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## helen_emily (Jun 13, 2006)

Phew, what a debate MDC ladies can get into!

All the questions of the "would you say that if it were a son" variety seem very one sided.
Of course if OP son made an inappropriate comment then that needs to be addressed - but she didn't say inappropriate! He may just have been saying "gee, (friend) sure dresses in a mature way". I think a lot of women (esp online where it is hard to understand the intent behind a comment) are quick to jump to judgment!

Would you guys be getting so worked up if OP said "I even overheard my daughter commenting"?










OP: As many have said, I doubt there is any good that could come of you speaking to another child's parents about the way she dresses. If someone tried to tell you how your daughter could dress, wouldn't you feel upset?
However, you could always chat with them about how you are finding it hard to adjust to DD wanting to dress in a more adult way (or something) and find out the friend's parent's side of the argument.
There are tactful ways to go about it - everyone seems to think you will be rude with it, whereas I'm sure you could come off as more curious than offensive!


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
meowee- do/would you say the same thing regarded being half-nude with your sons?

Of course!!


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I did my own thing through out school and I look back now at 30 yrs old, and am very thankful that my parents allowed me to figure out who I was without a lot of their hang ups about what I should and should not wear/look like.

I do not mean to offend, truly, but I am honestly shocked that anyone would think spaghetti straps or words on pants are a bad thing. I think that I dress pretty conservatively now days, and even I have a pair of shorts that say "Princess" on the butt (I got them from Disney World) and about a dozen spaghetti strap shirts/dresses in my dresser that I love. My DH just bought me a momento back from his business trip and it was... you guessed it... a spaghetti strap shirt with words across the chest (Texas...where the conference was)

A PP said that they think its wrong that its ok to wear something at 8 and 18 and no place in between, and I think thats 110% dead on. I encourage my children to respect other people, and that they all dress in their own ways, and not to judge people by how they dress, their ethnicity, their religion, etc but instead by the person themselves. My son wears what he is comfortable in, (he's 12) and my daughter will wear what she is comfortable in, when she gets old enough to choose. I think that (just my opinon) it is unhealthy to restrict a child's self expression, because I would rather my child learn who they are and experiment with fashion when I am there to help guide them, than go crazy when they turn 18 and are out on their own. Better to wear the "unusual" clothing in school and get the feedback from classmates (good and bad, that will help shape your choices) than get it on a job interview, ya know?


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## Pepperdove (Apr 13, 2007)

I never knew that my spaghetti strap shirts and sweat/yoga pants were so damm sexy! Aw yeah!









Maybe it's because I was a figure skater, but i never thought twice about tight and/or strappy my shirts were in middle/high school. If it was hot, we wore tank tops.









I would be way more worried about miniskirts with no pants or tights, myself. But as a teen I also would have, had my mom told me not to wear them, immediately put a miniskirt in my backpack to change into at school the next day, FWIW.


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