# Other people who have no living children yet?



## NoraFlood (Dec 21, 2008)

So I am having kind of a hard time with this board, I guess, because it seems like the majority of mamas on this board already have other living children. NOT to minimize the pain of their losses whatsoever; I know that pregnancy/birth loss is devastating no matter whether you have other kids or not. But I feel like there is a special kind of pain/fear when you don't have any others, and you wonder if you ever will. Does that make sense? So I was just wondering who else has no children, and whether you are terrified, as I am, that it won't happen for you?


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I do have other children so forgive me for jumping in, but I just felt like saying that (at least for me) having the other kids does help so much with the pain of loss--I cannot imagine how I would feel if Noah had been my first.

I have so much fear/concern/anxiety about future pregnancies and that is even though I've already had two "successful" pregnancies, so I can only imagine that it must be compounded for those who do not have other living children.

So, anyway, not in your situation, but "hearing" what you mean! (((hugs)))


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I hear you. And I get it. A friend of my DP's has one LC and has had a loss also. She said: "If you ever wanna talk..." But I just think: 'well, you wouldn't get it anyway - you have a child that loves you.'
I don't like to take away from anyone either, and I do struggle with that aspect here and IRL - it's hard.

After two losses, I think - how many more times do I try? If I try again, and it doesn't work - do I keep trying? Am I that strong? How strong is my desire to have kiddos? At what point do people stop feeling sorry, and start thinking you bring it on yourself? Is it selfish to keep trying? Do my babies suffer?

Sometime next year, surrogacy will be made legal where I live. My BFF would do this for me if I asked - she's a preggo machine - but it's not the same hey? Never getting to feel the kicks and stuff.


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## Blanca78 (Jul 26, 2009)

I'm certainly there with you on the anxiety about whether it will ever happen. I just was pregnant for the first time, but it turned out to be a molar pregnancy (most likely--still waiting for test results). This means I will have to wait several months before we can try again. It didn't take us that long to conceive this time, so in good moments I am optimistic that my time will come soon. However, other times I completely panic. What if I can't get pregnant again. Or if I do, what if something goes wrong?


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Yes, Josie was my first, so I understand.









When I got pregnant with Josie, I felt as though I had "done my duty" as it were, completing the cycle of life and producing the next generation. A part of me felt very relieved - not that she would be my only child (I've always wanted a few) - that I had kind of continued the family DNA. When she died I felt (apart from all the other feelings one has) really...disturbed. Really quite panicky about keeping everything going again. It really tore the rug out from under my generational being, if that makes sense.

Now with Isobella I am just kind of stuck here - part of me can't really see beyond the end of pregnancy to a time in which I actually have to diaper and feed a living child! The other half is very optimistic. It's such a mind-crapper.

Anyway so yah, I get you. I understand.

*HUGE hugs* XxXxX


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I've been pregnant twice. The first time, it took 6 months to get pregnant and then I had a first trimester miscarriage. The next time it took 2 months to get pregnant, and my son lived for 8 days. I've been ttc now since July and I do wonder if it will ever happen for me. It's starting to get harder and harder to be optimistic or to have confidence in my body.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

yes i complelty understand

Samson was my first, and it took 5 years to concieve him, i am terrified i won't manage to even get pregnant again and even more afraid that if i do il have another loss and never be a Mum to a healthy living baby









Jools


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

I totally get it and I feel the same way. I lost Joslyn at 22 weeks and then I had a chemical pregnancy in April and I am currently pregnant now and I am 16 weeks 5 days. I am absolutely terrified that this pregnancy won't last and that I will go into labor early again.







On top of grieving my daughter I had to worry if I would ever hold my own living child. If I would ever be able to hear them say their first words, ect. It is a horrible feeling. I really do NOT enjoy being pregnant. I wish I could wake up to being full term (37 weeks) or something...or even just have my child in my arms.

Every single day it is a struggle. Every pain, every twinge, every fricking time I go to the bathroom I examine the toilet paper for odd mucous (lost 1/2 my plug 3 weeks before we lost Joslyn). I just need to last until 24 weeks, then just maybe I will start feeling glimmers of hope.

Right now I really just feel suspended in air. Like, I am not 'lucky' enough to be able to have a living child.


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## zejh (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NoraFlood* 
So I am having kind of a hard time with this board, I guess, because it seems like the majority of mamas on this board already have other living children. NOT to minimize the pain of their losses whatsoever; I know that pregnancy/birth loss is devastating no matter whether you have other kids or not. But I feel like there is a special kind of pain/fear when you don't have any others, and you wonder if you ever will. Does that make sense? So I was just wondering who else has no children, and whether you are terrified, as I am, that it won't happen for you?

I'm in that category. I always wanted a lot of kids, too, so it's especially frustrating to have it be so difficult. It's also painful, because I got pregnant right after we got married last year, and then had a miscarriage at 6 or 7 weeks, and then it took six months to get pregnant again, and I really don't know how I could go through more pregnancies if they're like that, but if I don't try, I'd spend my whole life wondering.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I have a living child, so forgive me for jumping in.

I do think i understand a little. I had a miscarriage in 2002, then another in 2003. I spent the next years wondering if i'd ever have a live baby. I felt bereft, getting pregnant was so scary, but being childless terrified me too. I really felt the rock and the hard place







I felt like i'd rather not get pregnant if i had to go through another miscarriage, but knew that i'd never find out unless i tried. It was so hard.

DD was a surprise in 2006.

I've had 2 more losses since her birth and yes, they were devastating, but you're so right, having her makes a huge difference to HOW devastating.

I'm praying you get your forever-baby soon mama. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

so sorry to jump in here mamas.......i just wanted to offer a ((((HUG)))) to you all. those of you pregnant, i will keep you in my thoughts for a great outcome, those still trying, i pray for your strength and success!


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Me too - you're definitely not alone. Gideon was our first, and he passed away the day after he was born. When we started trying again, we had a miscarriage. I am pregnant again now, but I feel just like Jay - some moments amazingly hopeful and others simply terrified. I can go back in forth in 10 minutes between washing diapers and imagining using them on this little guy and wondering if his casket would fit in the same space as Gideons. It's terribly hard, especially when you have no idea if your body really can produce a baby that will be happy and live. *hugs* Hang in there, and know we're all here when you need to talk.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

Yeah... I'm here... 28 years old... dh is 33 years old... and no children. Just an insane cat.

Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I think it's not even worth trying again because it might HAPPEN again. But I don't know... I guess over time the desire to have a baby overcomes that fear. It's been 2 months since my mc and I'm still sad... I still grieve... but dh and I decided that with the New Year, there will be New Hope. He and I are Christians and we believe that there is a higher reasoning behind all of this. You wouldn't believe how much yelling and arguing with God I did in those first few weeks







... but we believe that it is still God's will for us to have children and that empty baby room that have upstairs all ready and painted will one day be filled.

I pray for all of us as I pray







. Even with the charting and everything, it really is the MIRACLE of childbirth and







I pray that we can all have wonderful, big happy families







(unless you don't want big... then I'll just pray for wonderful, happy families







)


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Absolutely. It took us a year to conceive (we weren't actively trying, but I was off birth control for a year) and then I miscarried my very first pregnancy at 7 weeks. I just got my first period since the miscarriage and it's devastating. Everyone who keeps telling me that it just happens and I'll have a baby someday has their own kids, so I just want to tell them to shut up. I feel like I very well could be one of those women who just can't carry a pregnancy for whatever reason and there's no way to know until I suffer loss after loss after loss. It really is a heartbreaking feeling.

Of course I know lots of women have a miscarriage and then go on to have healthy children. Heck, Michelle Duggar miscarried her first pregnancy and look how that turned out! But when you're in this space we're in, it's just hard to stay positive sometimes. It hurts too much.


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## Dirkey (Sep 17, 2008)

I feel the same way. It hurts so bad but the only people I know IRL have living children as well. I've always wanted to be a mother and we'd been trying for a year when we finally got pregnant then we lost our little one at 7 weeks. Everyone says oh you got pregnant you'll get pregnant again and I just want to scream. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, THERE IS NO CERTAINTY! We got pregnant after a year and I was only able to carry for so short a time.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Yep, absolutley. But I think for me, the fact it took so long to concieve also makes it worse. It took 16 months to concieve, and it's been 8 months since the miscarriage. I sometimes think if I actually *knew*, without a doubt, that I would have children (any way, not necessarily biologically anymore) then I'd be able to get through it easier. But I guess we never really know.


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## edwardsmom (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NoraFlood* 
So I am having kind of a hard time with this board, I guess, because it seems like the majority of mamas on this board already have other living children. NOT to minimize the pain of their losses whatsoever; I know that pregnancy/birth loss is devastating no matter whether you have other kids or not. But I feel like there is a special kind of pain/fear when you don't have any others, and you wonder if you ever will. Does that make sense? So I was just wondering who else has no children, and whether you are terrified, as I am, that it won't happen for you?

I was there with you, I think. With my first miscarriage, I had a d & c at 15 weeks. My second miscarriage was at 5 weeks. I knew that I could get pregnant, but was scared to think that I would never have a live baby to hold.
Now, I have a bio 5 year old and 3 year old, and a 3 year old foster child.

Oh, and I believe I'm having another miscarriage.

Try to hold on to hope and believe in your baby finding it's way to you in it's own time and it's own way. It seems to work for me, at least.


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## shy (Feb 21, 2006)

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you the very best. I face a similar doubt, because I have only one child and desparately want another. I wish I had recognized this earlier in my life because I am 40 now and time may be running out. So I share your fear, in some way.

And I do feel that having one child has made it easier for me to deal with this loss. Not because "at least I have one, even if I don't have another" but just that she cheers me up just by being there. I hadn't even told her yet (wanted to wait for later on) so it is not as if she knew or could comfort me ... but I appreciate every moment with her and just her presence has helped me from sprialling downwards.


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## zejh (Jan 15, 2008)

Do any of you find it awkward when you're somewhere and the topic of pregnancy or birth comes up? If it's a group of close friends and family, they'll know what I've been through, so it's not an issue, but with more casual acquaintances or people at parties I don't know, it can be especially awkward. It wasn't really a problem last year after the miscarriage I had, because, well, I'd only been pregnant 6 or 7 weeks, so while it hurt, I didn't have any experience of the rest of pregnancy, so it wasn't a conversation I could share like that. But now, I was pregnant for over 6 months and had a baby, if only for 5 hours, but if people I don't know well are discussing pregnancy or birth, I don't want to jump in, because, well, who wants to be the person who brings everyone down?


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zejh* 
Do any of you find it awkward when you're somewhere and the topic of pregnancy or birth comes up? If it's a group of close friends and family, they'll know what I've been through, so it's not an issue, but with more casual acquaintances or people at parties I don't know, it can be especially awkward. It wasn't really a problem last year after the miscarriage I had, because, well, I'd only been pregnant 6 or 7 weeks, so while it hurt, I didn't have any experience of the rest of pregnancy, so it wasn't a conversation I could share like that. But now, I was pregnant for over 6 months and had a baby, if only for 5 hours, but if people I don't know well are discussing pregnancy or birth, I don't want to jump in, because, well, who wants to be the person who brings everyone down?

Oh yes, totally. I'm always afraid someone will start talking about pregnancy or babies. I just don't want to be in that conversation right now.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

I understand this too. It took us 14 months of actively trying to conceive our first and when I miscarried at 12 weeks it was the hardest thing I've ever goen through. That was over a year ago and I still think about that little one almost daily. A very close friend of mine was pregnant with me and has a little boy who is about a month younger than mine would have been (and is now due again in April) and it's hard to watch her family grow when mine feels so stuck in this childless stage. Since my mother had five miscarriages before carrying me to term, it terrifies me to think of being pregnant again, but it's also just as terrifying to never be pregnant again. It's just such a hard road.


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## zejh (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jules09* 
Oh yes, totally. I'm always afraid someone will start talking about pregnancy or babies. I just don't want to be in that conversation right now.

For me, it happened this past weekend. I was at a brunch party with a mix of people I know and don't know, and someone came in with an 8-month-old baby. That alone I could deal with, but then somehow it comes up that his head was "too big" and the doctor said she had to have a c-section (I could cite nearly my entire extended family as evidence that this is totally not true--big heads, big babies, nearly all natural) and on top of that, someone said something about how it must be nice to skip labor... Now, I had to have a c-section (blocked cervix) and it had to be a classical incision (the fibroid blocking the cervix made a low horizontal incision extremely risky) and so I know what it's like to recover from surgery, and I also know many people who've gone through natural birth and been basically up and running the next day, and with no big worries about their next pregnancy, and I can't see why anyone would want a c-section if they didn't have to. But I held my tongue. (I also quietly but quickly left the room, and then left the party without any explanation or warning.)

(At least nobody said "the important thing is a healthy baby"... of course, I left the room right away after the conversation started, so who knows. But, if I do ever hear someone use that line in real life, I'm not holding back...)


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## NoraFlood (Dec 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SimplyRochelle* 
Since my mother had five miscarriages before carrying me to term, it terrifies me to think of being pregnant again, but it's also just as terrifying to never be pregnant again. It's just such a hard road.









Yeah, same here. I feel like I am doing a different kind of mourning right now, in addition to mourning my baby. I am also mourning my ability to ever have a happy pregnancy again. Possibly I am being melodramatic (it has been known to happen!). The almost-5 months I was pregnant with Basia were really and truly the happiest of my life. I was excited about the baby, I was mellow, my moods were more stable than they have ever been before, I had very few bothersome symptoms--it was an absolute DREAM. And now I know I can never have that again. The idea of being pregnant again, and all those weeks and weeks of worry, just terrify me. But yeah, the idea of never being pregnant again is a lot more terrifying.


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## joates (Feb 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NoraFlood* 
So I am having kind of a hard time with this board, I guess, because it seems like the majority of mamas on this board already have other living children. NOT to minimize the pain of their losses whatsoever; I know that pregnancy/birth loss is devastating no matter whether you have other kids or not. But I feel like there is a special kind of pain/fear when you don't have any others, and you wonder if you ever will. Does that make sense? So I was just wondering who else has no children, and whether you are terrified, as I am, that it won't happen for you?

I just wrote a really long post, but mothering logged me out and lost the post. I'm a little miffed as I don't use this board often and it irks me the limiting capabilities of the message board among other things.

With all that being said:

I understand how you feel. I have had two losses. I at 8 weeks and one at 20 weeks. It is frustrating because you do feel alone. You feel that your body has failed you, your spouse, your family. You feel people pity you. Not to mention you get people asking you rude and crude questions about the details of your losses. My mother in law asked me if my 1st loss was just like a "heavy period" or I had a friend freak out I could feel my child's heart beat and that I had to deliver her vaginally like a normal birth for my 2nd loss.

You feel alone because no one knows what to say or do, and it feels that with your losses, you have absolutely nothing to show for your losses, where as some one with kids has some type of comfort you don't have. I know it might not be right, but that is how I felt.

I'm now 25 weeks pregnant, my 3rd pregnancy, and I know I can't treat this pregnancy normal. I will be terrified. I will react differently. I don't want a shower. I'm scared to name my child. I'm scared to buy things. I think the worst possible scenario, because it's already happened. People don't understand that. People didn't understand why I don't want a shower, or why I don't mention my pregnancy much, even though now it's obvious to people I'm pregnant. I have happiness, but it's guarded. I have to fight from getting attached to this child. It's failed, as I fell in love as soon as I saw the 1st sonogram, but you have to treat pregnancy as if it could end at every moment, as the last two times for me it did end.

Loss is horrible, and a loss with no children does seem harder, but I know for me, my therapy was to keep trying. So I did, and hopefully this time, I will end up with a baby in my arms.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I really understand how you feel.
We lost our first baby at full term then our second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. My SIL had a baby within days of the due date of the second baby we lost.
I'm sure mamas with living children would say it was hard to grieve when they had other children they needed to look after or that it was terrible to have to talk to their kids about losing a sibling.
But to me there was nothing more horrible than returning to our utterly silent house without a baby and to still be parents only in our hearts.
I added it up - when I finally brought home my living son I'd been pregnant for a total of 87 weeks.
It's so, so hard to wait, all the while fearing that you'll never have what you most want. Thinking of you and your little one


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan73* 
I'm sure mamas with living children would say it was hard to grieve when they had other children they needed to look after or that it was terrible to have to talk to their kids about losing a sibling.
But to me there was nothing more horrible than returning to our utterly silent house without a baby and to still be parents only in our hearts.

That actually has always stung me. Although I realize they are hurting just like I am. It's just that I had all these mothering instincts and no one to use them on. I would have loved to have a little one to pour my energy into. So, it bugs me when a baby loss mother neglects her other children when she is grieving.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jess_paez* 
So, it bugs me when a baby loss mother neglects her other children when she is grieving.









Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it is all one can do to wake up and face another day. Neglect suggests a choice & sometimes there is no choosing when existing in overwhelming grief.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it is all one can do to wake up and face another day. Neglect suggests a choice & sometimes there is no choosing when existing in overwhelming grief.









Oh, I know mama. I chose that word too soon. I guess what I was meaning is that from the outside it is so easy to think quickly on my part and feel that little stab and wishing I had a child or many to focus that energy on, because I really want my chance to be a mother. In no way was I pointing out someone in particular, in fact...I don't think I have felt that way from any posts or mamas on Mdc. More along the lines of googling grieving info and what not.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Also I think it has to be said that as women who don't have any other children, our grieving is just completely different. Because you see, women who _do_ have other children know all too well the stages that babies go through; first smiles; first roll over; first sit up; first steps. They've been through it before and so, I think many times, when women who have already had children lose a child, they also mourn much more acutely for those lost stages of childhood, you know?

So in the end, I think it's awful no matter what. Just in different ways...


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
Also I think it has to be said that as women who don't have any other children, our grieving is just completely different. Because you see, women who _do_ have other children know all too well the stages that babies go through; first smiles; first roll over; first sit up; first steps. They've been through it before and so, I think many times, when women who have already had children lose a child, they also mourn much more acutely for those lost stages of childhood, you know?

I think this must be true. We're getting ready to try for another baby but I've found myself thinking that if I have a third loss, this time I will know EXACTLY what I'm losing...


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