# Toddler thinks it is funny to hit, kick, and bite



## Faerieshadow

Ds is 21 months old. He has just recently entered that phase where he hits all the time. It has become his new way of showing he's not happy with what's going on - or sometimes he just walks up and hits for no reason that's apparent to me or DP. So far we've been handling this by telling him that people are not for hitting, that hitting hurts, and by using natural consequences. "If you keep hitting mommy, mommy will have to put you down because she doesn't want to be hurt." - type responses. If he's hitting because of a temper tantrum, I sit down with him on my lap in the loveseat and tell him we need to express ourselves in another way. Would he like to hit the couch to show his anger? Would he like some time to himself to work out his anger? (He does sometimes choose this and calms down almost immediately.) He used to apologize when he hurt one of us but now it doesn't even phase him to say that "Mommy is hurt. Do you want to make Mommy feel better?" So far we haven't had any change in the hitting but we're trying to continue reacting the same in the hopes that it will eventually sink in.

Now he's started hitting with objects and laughing hysterically, kicking during dipe/clothing changes and laughing, and has even bitten each of us a couple times and laughs even if we tell him "Mommy isn't laughing, that hurt Mommy." or something similar. This behavior is more prevalent when he's tired than anything else.

We have a zero tolerance policy for anything violent in our house. He doesn't interact with anyone who does these things, he doesn't see this stuff on tv, he doesn't have food sensitivities unless they can suddenly crop up after having tested for them previously, there just really isn't any kind of outside influence I could try to eliminate to help matters.

He's still a gentle, loving boy in all other aspects. I think he's suddenly found a way to express himself and get his point across. But these days it would be completely normal for him to come give me a huge kiss and hug and then proceed to hit me over the head.

Any ideas on how DP and I can handle all of this? I'd love any pointers - anything we might do differently that would have a better result, or is this just something that takes awhile?


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## DevaMajka

What you are doing is basically what I do. Give information (I don't like to be hit). Honor the impulse (if you want my attention). Redirect (grab my hand instead). Its my "method" for practically everything. lol

I have to say that putting him down seems like a logical consequence, more than a natural one. But, I wouldn't want to stay and just let someone hit me either. With my ds, my putting him down, or walking away, would be upsetting to him. So I physically stop the hitting for a moment until I can redirect.

There have been discussions on redirecting angry hitting to other objects. I think the general consensus is that its not a good habit to get into.
I'll try to find the thread.
"Hit the pillow instead." Okay or not?

Someone posted before saying that "hitting hurts" isn't necessarily true. It doesn't hurt the child, so the statement is not true from their perspective.
Perhaps you could find a different way to tell ds not to hit. And maybe your reaction is interesting to him. You didn't say, really. But something to think about. I find it works best to respond to hitting in a matter of fact tone of voice. I tell ds that I don't like to be hit. That works for us, and I feel that it is more true than "hitting hurts" because sometimes it doesn't hurt, but I still don't like it. kwim?

Also, it might be helpful to be more specific in your redirection. Its really cool that he can take the advice of taking time to calm himself down! Perhaps "in the moment" it would be easier for him to take very specific advice. Like "If you want to show me that you are angry, show me a mad face." something like that.

Also, try to make sure he doesn't get tired









It seems like you are pretty much doing what I would consider an effective thing. So I'd say just keep doing it, and fine tune it.


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## sunnysideup

Sometimes toddlers hit because they know they will get a big reaction from mom or dad. It can help to try to be very matter-of-fact in your response. I usually tried to intercept the hit before it made contact, and redirect. This is a phase almost all toddlers go through, and it does pass--in my experience more quickly if your not focusing on it.


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## Faerieshadow

Thanks for the ideas, both the "fine tuning" and making sure there isn't a big reaction coming from us. Keep the thoughts coming, ladies, I need all the help I can get!


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## MammaKoz

We are going through the exact same thing with DS who just turned two. However his hitting, kicking, biting is all part of his playing, he doesn't do it out of anger, he just thinks it's funny. He does it purely for a reaction that he finds hilarious either way *sigh*









I tried everything, redirect, simply explaining to him we don't do that, etc etc etc. I posted about it here actually and the best advice I got from another MDC Mamma was just to say nothing and get up and walk away. That was the one thing I hadn't tried and it is working great so far.

I realized no matter how I reacted, whether it was playful parenting or getting firm and saying "No, no hitting/biting/kicking etc that hurts, let's try this instead," he was getting attention and a reaction from us.

So now I just say nothing and simply move away from him. I.e. I'll put him down and say nothing. Just calm simple silence. Or if we are sitting and playing and he decides it's funny to clock me one with his books or something I just get up and walk across the room, again I say nothing. I don't abandon him or isolate him, I just get some distance between us for a minute or two and he is slowly starting to realize that "oh, hey if I hit mamma with a book she's not going to read to me anymore or oh if I smack mamma she isn't going to hold me for very long" that kinda thing.

That is the only thing that has worked for us, but like I said our situation is a little bit different in that he doesn't do it when he is mad, just when he is playing and thinking it's funny.









HTH


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## katallen

He may like the attention or the reaction he gets for the hitting and biting. I found that was the case with dd when she was biting at that age. The thing that worked for us was to just walk away without giving any reaction (including a nonverbal reaction) when she bit. I combined this with watching for her signs that she was going to bite and giving her a lot of attention for the positive things. Most of her biting phases lasted only a day once I stopped reacting.


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