# Jessie (July 21, 2009 @ 22 weeks) - long, disjointed, mildly graphic.



## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

What's haunting to me most right now is how Jessie's story starts. Finding out I was pregnant again was hard, we were in no position to bring another child into our family, painful to admit that at the beginning, this was not a wanted baby. We were scared, lots of tears, acceptance came slowly - very slowly. Eventually though, and I cannot say exactly when, we came to accept that we were going to be the parents of 4, and even began to look forward to this new baby, and start making plans for him or her.

I first saw our midwife on April 27 at almost 11 weeks. Nothing fancy - lots of paperwork, and a cursory check for a heartbeat (wasn't found). No bells there, since it was still early.

Went in again on May 26, just shy of 14 weeks. Baby had a heartrate of about 160 bpm, everything seemed to be okay.

Had both an U/S and another appointment on June 22, just a couple of days shy of 19 weeks. U/S in the morning. Baby had a heartbeat (I don't have a count), but was apparently sleeping the entire time - the tech could NOT get babe to move, and was talking about how she 'hates' when they book u/s for prior to 18 weeks.
My midwife appointment went okay - fundus was at the right spot, and babe's heartrate was 150-160 bpm.
Midwife was not concerned that I had not been able to feel movement yet, apparently it's still early enough to not be a concern.

I started getting concerned not long after that, as more and more time passed and I was not feeling any movement, nor was I gaining any weight at all. Add in that I'd been on abx twice in the previous 6 weeks, I was getting scared.

I called the midwives on July 6th (just shy of 21 weeks) and told them about not feeling any movement and being totally scared because of that. They looked up the u/s and said that I had an anterior placenta, and that often causes a delay in feeling fetal movement. I was not cramping or bleeding, so hold out until my next visit.

On July 9th - so just over 2 weeks after the u/s, putting me just past 21 weeks, I went to a walk-in clinic thinking I had yet another ear infection. While there, I had the doc attempt to find the heartbeat, which he could not do. He looked up the u/s (done at the same clinic) and said that because those results looked 'good', he was not going to recommend another u/s even though he could not find a heartbeat - because the u/s had found an anterior placenta, and it was "unlikely" that anything had happened in the previous 2 weeks.

So, I wait. I had borrowed a doppler from a friend locally, but had long since stopped finding a heartbeat on my own - chocking this up to that ****** anterior placenta I kept hearing about. I finally gave it back because I was driving myself insane. I spent so much time just laying down trying to feel SOMETHING. I couldn't even make myself imagine a movement though - there was NOTHING being felt.

And then we come up to my next appointment. Monday, July 20. 4:00 pm.
The kids and I drive up to the clinic, DH meets us there (he works very close to the clinic).
Go in, mention again to the midwife that I'm still not feeling movement and can we please just cut to the chase and find it ? We go through a couple questions - I don't even remember what now - and she tries. But cannot find a heartbeat.
Worse - she cannot hear any placental sounds.
Calls in a 2nd midwife, who also cannot find anything.
They bring DH and the kids in, and after a few phone calls and some paperwork on their part, we're sent off to Markham-Stouffville hospital to meet up with the on-call midwife.

Load up the kids, try to call our doula (no answer), and try to explain to the kids that we're going to the hospital to take some special photos, because we don't think baby's heart is beeping. Our 4-yr old DD 'gets it' right away that it means that baby could be dead, and breaks down. Boo (6) doesn't yet, and Bear (2) is too young.

We get to the hospital - the OB brings in a little portable u/s machine, confirms that he can't see a heartbeat, but wants a proper u/s to confirm before we make any decisions. So off to u/s I go. We 'know' there isn't any life there, this waiting and rigamarole is painful (not physically) and the waiting is difficult for us all.

Anyhow - u/s again confirms that baby is gone, and has been for a long time. Back to the room for some talking and to make some arrangements for the kids. DH's parents come up from Cobourg and take all three kids back with them.

I get back to our room about 8:30, have some blood work done and finally get a shot of Gravol.

Doctor has given us three options - stay and induce, wait and come back, or go home and wait. We wanted things done - I could not imagine dealing with delivering a still born at home with the kids there, knowing that it had been gone long enough to likely be a disturbing visual for a 2-, 4-, and 6-yr old. Going home wasn't going to help, I wasn't going to sleep and it would be hard on the kids to see DH and I like that. So we stayed.

10:00 PM, Dr. G comes in and explains how we're going to induce - some kind of vaginal tablet (I didn't catch the name at the time) every 4 hours, and eventually an IV of oxytocin if needed. I get the first tablets then, and he confirms that my cervix is closed up tight.

DH and I manage to dose off and on, and around midnight I start noticing some very mild cramping.

I woke up a bit before 2:00, knew that the doc would be coming in again soon, but couldn't get back to sleep anyhow. Still kind of crampy, but nothing I'd have called a contraction.

The nurse brought us in a TV and dvd player about then - we put in Mama Mia. Something to keep us occupied a little - some distraction through was was proving to be a LONG night.

Got the next tablets at about 2:15 AM or so, and again checked my cervix. Said it was soft, but still not dilating.

By 2:30 the cramping was getting pretty strong, in my legs and back as well as my belly. Basically steady, not off and on like a contraction is.

About 3:00, I'm in a fair amount of pain - but still a steady cramp, and DH gets ahold of our nurse. She says she'll get me some morphine, and be back in a couple of minutes. I've peed by this time and seen a tiny bit of bloody mucous, but nothing much.

A couple minutes pass, the pain gets stronger, I'm kind of moaning through it, but it's not stopping.

About 3:25 I make a comment to DH that it's been a long couple of minutes, and I notice at about the same time what feels like a gush, and also feel like I need to pee. I get up, and DH tells me that it's blood. I go to the bathroom anyhow, and he goes out to get our nurse and let her know I'm bleeding (it's bright red blood now).

But it wasn't a need to pee that was my sensation - I no more than sit down to pee and I can feel bulging, and then pass what feels like a huge clot, but it's too slippery to catch, and it falls. I pull the call bell, but cannot move, cannot make myself look and see if what I knew had happened had really happened.

DH and the nurses get there within seconds - she was apparently on her way to the room already, had had trouble contacting the doctor to okay the morphine, but had and was bringing it.

They got me back into bed - I think I was a bit shocky then, very shaky and scared all of a sudden. The nurse confirmed that our baby had been delivered. I made some stupid and completely inappropriate joke about continuing out tradition of water births.

It was quite some time before we got to see Jessie - she was not what anyone was expecting, and nobody seemed sure of how to proceed. They were expecting a baby who was 22 weeks, or close to it - somewhere around a full pound in weight and such. But our baby was much tinier than that. Had been gone longer than they'd thought she had. They called the midwife back in for us.

When the midwife came back she talked to us first, told us a little of what to expect, and asked us if we wanted to see the baby. We did - but I'll say it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Baby was born in the caul. The sac completely intact, placenta attached and everything.

The first thing I noticed was how small everything was - they'd not opened the sac yet - then how horrible the placenta was. The placenta was TINY - about the size of the bottom of a can of soda, but more oval - and mottled and white. Looked hard in some spots. The midwife said it showed as much calcification as that of a baby who is a couple weeks past their due date !

The midwife opened the sac, filled with meconium, and showed us our baby. The cord was wrapped twice around the neck.

Tiny - could fit into a hand. But skin so dark and stained. Perfect, but tiny, arms and legs, hands and feet - even fingernails already. Genitals were somewhat ambiguous, though both nurses, the midwife and the doctor said that they were about 80-90% sure it was a girl, they could not be sure. Ears looked like elf ears, kind of pointed. You could see ribs, a spine, everything. The only thing that was truly disturbing about the appearance of our baby was the head - she had passed long enough ago that her skull had collapsed, making her head quite flat. That was hard to see, hard to process.

We picked the name Jessie for our angel baby. It's a pretty name for a girl, but is just as easily a boys name if that is what the proper gender is.

They weighed her, a mere 3.9 oz (110 grams). We did allow a couple of pictures to be taken, but haven't got them yet - they will be stored at the midwifery clinic until we're ready to pick them up.

Neither DH nor I held Jessie. She was extremely fragile, her bones barely bone. I commented to the midwife that she looked like rubber, and she agreed that that was a good analogy.

We will likely never know what happened to our little angel. They have sent the placenta off to pathology, but it will likely be several weeks before we get results. I wasn't clear on whether they were doing an autopsy or not. I don't think so, because there was just so little baby there.

I was hooked up to an IV with saline and oxytocin for about 6 hours after Jessie was born, and sent for another u/s to rule out any remaining placental tissue. They didn't make any notes on the u/s requisition that our baby had been born already, so I totally broke down when the tech started asking questions.

After getting the all clear from that, we were released around 2:00 or something - less than 24 hours after we found out that our baby had no heartbeat.

I swear I'm dehydrated just from the tears right now. I'd like numb to show up. DH had to go back to work today, Manpower only gives 1 day bereavement leave (which was Tuesday, btw), and he insisted on taking yesterday too.

I'm sure this is disjointed, but it's kind of good to get it out.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

So very sorry...








Jessie


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so sorry for the loss of your Jessie. I'll be sending lots of thoughts of strength and healing to you and your family. Thank you for sharing her with us







I think you will find this to be a wonderfully supportive place. The support and caring I've received from the women here has been my saving grace.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LizaBear* 
I swear I'm dehydrated just from the tears right now. I'd like numb to show up. DH had to go back to work today, Manpower only gives 1 day bereavement leave (which was Tuesday, btw), and he insisted on taking yesterday too.

Oh, mama... I'm so so sorry.









I had to ice my face down for two days, I cried so hard my eyes were swollen shut. And DH's work was terrible, too. Thankfully he's since found another place to be.

I so wish little Jessie was still growing healthy and strong in your belly. I wish I had a time machine for all of us, I really do.

Thank you for sharing your story of Jessie's birth. This is a hard road to travel. We are all sisters together on this journey. Here if you need us.







:








:







Jessie














:


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

I'm so sorry, momma.


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## Mommy2Haley (Oct 25, 2007)

s:

I have no words I can offer to comfort, only hugs. I'm crying right along with you.


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## JohannaInDairyland (Mar 24, 2009)

Just coming over from the November DDC to say again how sorry I am for the loss of your Jessie, and that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing her story with us.


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

I am so sorry about your loss of Jessie. There really are no words...















Jessie


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss







jessie


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Thank you for sharing your story.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.
















Jessie


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## pink gal (Feb 27, 2008)

So sorry for your heartbreak. I hope sharing your story and knowing that there are people here sharing your grief will bring you some comfort.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Jessie. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you peace and healing, and sending gentle hugs your way.
















Jessie


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your and your family's loss. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

There aren't words.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## MommyinMN (Oct 18, 2007)

I am so, so sorry for your loss Mama.








Jesse


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## songtothemoon (Jun 3, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss, Mama.







Jessie


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I'm so sad for you and your family.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Poor baby. Best wishes to you and your family in this time of healing.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Oh my, how heartbreaking







I think one of the hardest parts about it was the waiting...am I right? You kept getting pushed around...no one wanted to find out for sure what was going on...and then suddenly it all happens so fast, no time to process it. How utterly painful...you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers


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## yasmel (Jun 23, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sad and sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. I lost my 17 week girl 7 months ago and still haven't been quit able to get the words out.


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## ColoradoHELLP (Jun 7, 2009)

Dear sweet Jessie...rest in peace, sweet baby. You were cradled with warm and love by your mommy, and now you are so cradled in the arms of your maker. May you run wild and happy in the fields of forever, dear angel.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry. You will find great support here.


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## Peace+Hope (Jul 6, 2009)

oh mamma, i'm crying for you


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Wow mama. I am so sorry.


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

Thank you for Jessie's story. It was beautifully told.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

Thank you for sharing Jessie's story.


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## BeckC (Nov 27, 2006)

So sorry.







:


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss









I'm in tears right now. The details of your story are so similar to mine, it brings me right back. I can see my baby so clearly in my mind right now from your description.

I'm sorry that you have to be here, but I hope you find the same amazing comfort that I, and many others, have been able to find here.

Peace, healing & strength to you~








Sweet Jessie


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry you have to be here, mama.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry.







My heart just breaks for you. I'm so sorry you're here.
















Jessie


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Oh, LizaBear, sweetie. I just hated to see your post here. I'm crying for you and remember you fondly from the December 07 DDC (I was natensarah back then).

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.









Jessie


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

~*~Jessie~*~


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Thank you for your kind words, everyone.

I am now in the middle of planning Jessie's funeral.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh honey, I am SO so so sorry... SO much love an so many hugs to you and to your family right now... *HUGE hugs* XXXXX


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)

So sorry for your loss.


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm sorry for your loss, my oldest ds is named Jesse, it is a beautiful choice for your little Angel.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I am so sorry you lost Jessie. This is a club no one wants to join, but we look after every single member. We all know how it feels to lose a child, you will heal, and although the pain won't go away completely you learn to accept it as a part of you. Take it all one day at a time.

Your DH only gets 1 day berevement leave, but what about paternity leave? You have just given birth so is he not entitled to paternity leave? It might just give him a bit of extra time with you right now.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I am so sorry Mama. So many mixed feelings to end up with so much heart ache. I am sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family all my healing thoughts.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My pg with Matthew started out very similarly, not certain if we were happy or sad to be having another. It's tough to remember that now, I know. But your baby knows that you love her.


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## Epona (Jul 20, 2009)

I'm so sorry.


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## hartfelt (Apr 7, 2009)

sending love to you and your family mama


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## Mammagrillz (Jul 28, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss of Jessie. I, too, lost my son Benjamin Pasquale







on July 21st. He was 27 weeks and 2 days when I delivered him.







I have no words for you except, I know what you are going through right now.


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## Katrinaquerida (Mar 24, 2008)

peace to you and yours.


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## mrsrwbabe (Apr 12, 2006)

I am soo sorry for your loss


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

I wanted to come back to this. It's been a few days now, I'm feeling a little clearer-headed, if not any 'better' per se.

Also - today would have been my Mom's birthday, but she has been gone since Christmas 2007.

Jessie is home with us now, in a way. We picked up her ashes yesterday, which are in a small bronze heart-shaped urn that is now in my top dresser drawer.

My heart is breaking still, and goes out to anyone who shares this club.

Thank you all for your kind words and commiseration.


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