# fuming, hurt, and very annoyed



## heathermarie73 (Mar 13, 2006)

Dh just said "if you can't control a 2 year old then..." it pretty much trailed off but the hidden suggestion that I am somehow incompentent and overly lenient was unmistakably there. My son is praised by eveyone about how sweet, calm, smart, adorable, and "good" his is. But recently with us he hits, throws tantrums, won't sleep, and overall is ignoring us alot. I really struggle with this phase. My husband wants to get all authoritative or something. I am so dissappointed and upset that he is constantly lashing out at me thinking that our son is going to grow up to be a disrespectful, rude person because I can't "control" him at 2.5 years old.







Sometimes I just feel so alone, and so judged.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

I'm so sorry, it is hard when they are going through that.

I have gotten the same comments from my mom and grandma, "oh he never acts that way when you're not here..." or they say to my kids, "why are you being naughty since mommy got back?"

I feel very annoyed, like they are calling into question my parenting. They don't agree w/some of the gd things I do and it seems like validation to them that I am wrong. It must be 100 times worse that it's coming from your dh.

I think that kids feel like mommy is the one to let loose w/, let all the emotions and frustrations out bc we are a safe place for our dc.

Hang in there, it does get better. Maybe if you gather some info about age appropriate behavior and leave it in the bathroom for dh to read it might help him understand that your son is completely normal. (Thats what I do!







)


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

I thought 2-year-olds were the most difficult people in the world to control?

I mean was that sentence supposed to go "If you can't control a 2-year-old what chance will you have of controlling a 5-year-old?" Five is a gentle stroll in cloud-cooperation-land compared to two! (Disclaimer: in most cases.)


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. Have you read Kids are Worth It? The book explains a number of different family styles and how kids who are raised in a flexible, loving-boundaries type home know how to control themselves around others and feel safe enough at home to be themselves. To let their hair down, let out their feelings, relax, look for support, etc. All the stuff that we do as adults - we act one way at work but when we get home we relax and can be more of ourselves (even the not-so-pleasant parts). Sounds like that is what your son experiences - if others comment on how "well-behaved" he is at school or church or wherever and then you wonder what happens to that kid when you get home, well, he is comfortable enough to know that you love him and he can be himself. Growing up is hard work and having a safe place to be and loving parents makes a huge difference.

We get more comments on our 4yo and how great, funny, smart, articulate, he is - and he really is, but he also has tantrums and is learning to control his temper and can be grumpy and disrespectful when he is home and that's okay. He is learning and growing and so are we as parents. It can be exhausting but he rewards of what a great person he is and what a great man he will become are well worth the extra work.

Give it a read and have DH read it. I bet he'll see his own family in the book.

Then, you two can work on getting more on the same page. Your son doesn't need his parents at odds with each other and you and DH sure don't need it, either.

Best wishes!


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

I'm sorry you're upset. The thing is, you don't have to get upset because he said something in frustration. My DH has acted in a similar way many times but it is becoming less frequent because I don't get upset about it any more, and I am more confident than ever in the way I parent. When he sees how confident I am, he feels more comfortable following my lead. Whenever I have been wishy washy or conflicted, wow the whole family just goes a little crazy. My children aren't sure they can follow me, my DH thinks I don't know what I'm doing... you get the picture (and they're right!)

What I did was stop and figure out that he is speaking from *fear/worry* and not from anger. Women communicate fear and worry in a more direct way, and so we get support and compassion from each other. Men have grown up learning not to communicate fear and worry, so it often comes out as agressiveness. But he is probably really worried about your son. In that case, you can just reassure him with your calm confidence that he is developmentally normal, that everything is going to be okay. That two year olds do this. If you can do that with a smile, even when you're feeling upset on the inside, over and over, he'll probably believe you and calm down.

In essence, when I am confident and determined about what to do with the kids, DH more willingly takes my lead (as do the kids.) It was really a revelation that so much of this was up to me... it's what I wanted, but I had to figure out how to go about it in a different way. Talking to DH wasn't going to give me what I wanted (for him to say we could just do it my way), but going ahead and showing him how it worked did!

To answer your DH about your feelings you could either take it lightly and joke, "wow if you can't understand a two year old then... " NOT in a mean spirited way, just in a way that says, I know you're teasing and I'm going to tease back. Or at another time when you're both cooled off bring it up and say, "It sounds like you're worried about how our son is behaving, if there's something specific you want to talk about we can, otherwise that comment you made hurt me and I don't think that is productive."

GL!


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
We get more comments on our 4yo and how great, funny, smart, articulate, he is - and he really is, but he also has tantrums and is learning to control his temper and can be grumpy and disrespectful when he is home and that's okay. He is learning and growing and so are we as parents. It can be exhausting but he rewards of what a great person he is and what a great man he will become are well worth the extra work.

I wanted to pick up on this that Cheshire mentioned, and it was something someone else pointed out to me too, when our kids are not at home in their normal secure environment they can be well, little angels, so good and well behaved, and at home we see a completely different child, that's because they love and trust you and know that they can let go of all their emotions when mamma and papa are around, it could be a simple as that, that your ds is letting go within a safe environment, even if it is 'just when you arrive' he feels safe enough with you that he can do that - does that make sense.

Another book recommendation is Liberated Parents, Liberated Children - which I love - you may want to see if you can find it in the library.

Good luck.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

no one can control another person. soimetimes, people will convince another person they have control over them - but that is never a good thing, nor is it actually true. We can only control ourselves.

Children do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. We cant control children, we can only control ourselves.

Connection Parenting p150
Parenting is a struggle because we cannot control children's behavior. When we see our job as that of meeting childrens needs we enjoy children, because we can meet childrens needs.

childrens behaviors are caused by their unmet needs, so this is solving the problem at its route. children who are action out are usually trying to tell us "i need more love" (i find this to be true with my children! I can always tell who my connection is the weakest with by who ishaving the most behavioral issues at the time.

more p135
we cannot control anyone's behavior but our own. true parental discipline leads children to self discipline.

I will say with gentle discipline it can seem to take longer sometimes, because children are going straight to learning self discipline instead of learning to behave out of fear. though, if we can change the way we think and approach things, and we can understand the cause of the behavior and meet those needs, we will see improvement in behavior more quickly.

I am sorry your DH doesn't understand this the way you do. I hope you can get through to him!


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

He's got it wrong, I believe the 2 yr old is supposed to be controlling you.









Does he spend a lot of one on one time with him? Perhaps he just really doesn't get it? I mean, pre-parenthood I might have thought something like that. Toddlers quickly let you see reality.


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## tracymom1 (May 7, 2008)

No real words of advice, but









My DH said to me the other day, "What have you done to contribute lately?" It was one of the most hurtful things he could have ever said, implying that raising our son, taking care of the house and forgoing any time for myself isn't enough. Sigh.

Talk to him about it...its the only way he will understand how you are feeling.


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

I don't have a good advice for you. I just want to say I feel for you because my kids were a handful when they were at that age. I think people tend to forget that they ARE 2 years old and we can't expect a 2 years old to behave like a 10 year old.

Gentle discipline practice will take longer time before it takes effect but it's worth it. I hope it works out well for you and your husband.


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## eirual (Mar 21, 2006)

DH has said stuff along the same lines.

Just remember that it's not your job as a mother to "control". I've found with DS any efforts I make at 'controling' or trying to enforce compliance turn into disasters and just re-inforce that that isn't the way to parent.

DS acts the same for me when I pick him up from grandparents, my mom said that we as kids all did the same- I think it's kind of an expression of emotional release. Get through, make a point to re-connect, and then carry on with life as normal.

Let DH know that you're not interested in compliance or control. Though it's challenging now, you're interested in raising a free-thinking, independent, moral, confident adult- not breaking his spirit and insisting on compliance no questions asked. One day, it won't be you that he's complying with- it will be the masses.

Keep ahold of the big picture and share with DH how you intend to get there. Maybe ask DH how he'd handle it and express your concerns with his responses. Try to come to agreement on how things will be handled and try to acknoweldge that a lot of acting out stems from a need to re-connect and contribute positively to the situation.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
no one can control another person. soimetimes, people will convince another person they have control over them - but that is never a good thing, nor is it actually true. We can only control ourselves.

Children do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. We cant control children, we can only control ourselves.

Connection Parenting p150
Parenting is a struggle because we cannot control children's behavior. When we see our job as that of meeting childrens needs we enjoy children, because we can meet childrens needs.

childrens behaviors are caused by their unmet needs, so this is solving the problem at its route. children who are action out are usually trying to tell us "i need more love" (i find this to be true with my children! I can always tell who my connection is the weakest with by who ishaving the most behavioral issues at the time.

more p135
we cannot control anyone's behavior but our own. true parental discipline leads children to self discipline.

I will say with gentle discipline it can seem to take longer sometimes, because children are going straight to learning self discipline instead of learning to behave out of fear. though, if we can change the way we think and approach things, and we can understand the cause of the behavior and meet those needs, we will see improvement in behavior more quickly.

I am sorry your DH doesn't understand this the way you do. I hope you can get through to him!

Yes to everything stated above!!!


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Your DH has unrealistic expectations !!!! Almost nobody can "control" a 2-yo, any 2-yo !!! Why are they jokingly called the terrible twos ? Seriously, if he would take a step back from his own ideas he might realize they are pretty silly. I would tell him to get real...if he needs to control something, he can go buy a radio-controlled toy









Please don't judge _yourself_ through his lens of silly ideas. You are doing fine. If he has issues with reality, those are _his_ problems...not yours, and not your child's.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heathermarie73* 
Dh just said "if you can't control a 2 year old then..." it pretty much trailed off but the hidden suggestion that I am somehow incompentent and overly lenient was unmistakably there.


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## tropicaldutchtulip (Jul 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tanyam926* 
I'm so sorry, it is hard when they are going through that.

I have gotten the same comments from my mom and grandma, "oh he never acts that way when you're not here..." or they say to my kids, "why are you being naughty since mommy got back?"

I feel very annoyed, like they are calling into question my parenting. They don't agree w/some of the gd things I do and it seems like validation to them that I am wrong. It must be 100 times worse that it's coming from your dh.

I think that kids feel like mommy is the one to let loose w/, let all the emotions and frustrations out bc we are a safe place for our dc.

Hang in there, it does get better. Maybe if you gather some info about age appropriate behavior and leave it in the bathroom for dh to read it might help him understand that your son is completely normal. (Thats what I do!







)

I agree. I get the oh they are fine once you leave! And I get the questions on my parenting style all the time like I "NEED" to be more strict and do things that I am not comfortable in doing. They are "children" and I let them be children! I also give them some liberty, makes it so much easier when I really need for them to do what ever it is they need to do. And I allow that "free play time" into my routine with them. I get the I'm expected to "control" them all the time!


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## tropicaldutchtulip (Jul 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brooks97* 
I don't have a good advice for you. I just want to say I feel for you because my kids were a handful when they were at that age. I think people tend to forget that they ARE 2 years old and we can't expect a 2 years old to behave like a 10 year old.

Gentle discipline practice will take longer time before it takes effect but it's worth it. I hope it works out well for you and your husband.

I agree! I am surrounded by the controlling your child all the time! And my Au Pair also expects them to act like they like their 5 and not 33 months!!!


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

Maybe he'd benefit from a little one on one time with your ds? Does he spent much alone time with your ds? I had surgery last summer and my dh had almost complete care of our toddler for over a week. After that experience his level of respect for the job that I do as grown exponentially. He has continued to have special time alone with dd a few times a week and he had learned to appreciate the nuances of her personality and he is more inclined to focus on fostering her delightful traits, as opposed to focusing on ridding her of her not so delightful traits.
Also, as PPs have stated, often kids behave so much better with non parental figures. They feel safe enough to let down their guard with Mom and Dad. It sounds as if you are doing a fine job and I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. Hugs to you, Mama.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

If you can't control a 2yo then...

You must not have any supernatural mind-control powers.


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
If you can't control a 2yo then...

You must not have any supernatural mind-control powers.









Seriously...can ANYONE control a 2-year-old? Or any other person?


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

Super Glue Mommy said:


> no one can control another person. soimetimes, people will convince another person they have control over them - but that is never a good thing, nor is it actually true. We can only control ourselves.
> 
> Children do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. We cant control children, we can only control ourselves.
> 
> ...


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
Seriously...can ANYONE control a 2-year-old? Or any other person?









I guess it wouldn't hurt to do an ethymologic analysis of the word

CON-TROL
I mean CON
and TROLL

(where the heck did THAT nasty monster emerge from) loooooool

Another one:

What I found on wiki on control-theory:

''Control theory is an interdisciplinary branch of engineering and mathematics (read: PARENTING), that deals with the behavior of dynamical systems (read: CHILDREN). The desired output ('GOOD' BEHAVIOUR) of a system (CHILD) is called the reference. When one or more output variables (CHILD ACTIONS) of a system need to follow a certain reference (BEHAVIOUR) over time, a controller (PARENT/CAREGIVER/...) manipulates the inputs (PARENT ACTIONS) to a system (CHILD) to obtain the desired effect on the output of the system ('WELL-BEHAVED' CHILD = CONTROLLED CHILD).''









and then GEN-TLE
GEN=GENES=OFFSPİNG=our children








TLE=To Love Eternally







: or To Let Explore


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heathermarie73* 
Dh just said "if you can't control a 2 year old then..." ... But recently *with us he hits, throws tantrums, won't sleep, and overall is ignoring* us alot. ... I am so dissappointed and upset that *he [DH] is constantly lashing out at me* thinking that our son is going to grow up to be a disrespectful, rude person because I can't "control" him at 2.5 years old.

HELLO

Sounds like your DH is having problems controlling HIMSELF.

"If you can't control yourself then... how do you expect your 2 year old son to behave."


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Your husband doesn't know much about 2-year-olds. The term "terrible twos" didn't come from nowhere.

And really, is control his goal? Is that what he wants to say to himself when they're 30 and thinks about your family? "Wow, we really controlled him."


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *holothuroidea* 
HELLO

Sounds like your DH is having problems controlling HIMSELF.

"If you can't control yourself then... how do you expect your 2 year old son to behave."

Yes! ITA with this. I sometimes say this to DH when I'm beyond frustrated.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I had a REALLY hard time with ds at age 2.5. Up to that point (and after about age 3), he had been, like your ds, praised by others for being well behaved, etc. And actually, even at that age it was only at home that I had a difficult time with him.

I think it's par for the course that sometime during the 2's they get more "difficult" to live with. It just makes logical sense- there are some HUGE changes going on in that year!

I just found that I had to be flexible in my parenting philosophy. What worked at age 2 was not working at age 2.5, so I changed some things. Once I worked out something that was more fitting to him (at his current age) and my personality, everything fell back into place again. And we're talking about little things- I stayed non-punitive, still didn't use bribes/rewards, etc. I just started being more direct and sort of "in charge" sometimes. But I also started giving HIM more control about other things.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
no one can control another person. soimetimes, people will convince another person they have control over them - but that is never a good thing, nor is it actually true. We can only control ourselves.

Children do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. We cant control children, we can only control ourselves.










:


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## phreedom (Apr 19, 2007)

Ugh...I heard a variation of this phrase from a pregnant (with her first...no less) co-worker when I was lamenting to my other friend about my kid "losing it" in public (also a mother of a 2 year old). Pregnant co-workers little nugget of wisdom: "If you can't control your kid by 2 years old...forget it. They are going to walk all over you the rest of their life!"









She then went on about how is disgusted her to be out in public and see children throwing tantrums and parents "not doing anything about it" I reassured her that ONE DAY her little snowflake is going to be "that kid" that disgusts her so much now. At least once in her mothering experience it's gonna happen. I'm probably a horrible person for looking forward to that day.


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## knitted_in_the_wom (May 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phreedom* 
She then went on about how is disgusted her to be out in public and see children throwing tantrums and parents "not doing anything about it" I reassured her that ONE DAY her little snowflake is going to be "that kid" that disgusts her so much now. At least once in her mothering experience it's gonna happen. I'm probably a horrible person for looking forward to that day.









Good for you for speaking up to her! And as a mom of 5 kids, I'm completely with you in "looking forward to that day."


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

In a book (maybe The Secret of Parenting) it said WE ALL HAVE OUR BABY SELVES. We all let down our guard at home . . .have to have it together when we are out, but NO ONE is like that all of the time. If your 2 yo is "together" when you're out/he's with others, you are way ahead of the game.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phreedom* 
Pregnant co-workers little nugget of wisdom:

"If you can't control your kid by 2 years old...forget it. They are going to walk all over you the rest of their life!"










laughup














:


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## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

I haven't read all the replies but we are going through the SAME thing. DS is just over 2.5 and recently his behavior has become more frequent and intense. It seems to have settled down a bit the last few days.

H apparently makes him cry in his room alone when I am gone. Last weekend, DS told me (w/o me prompting, I was just asking why daddy sent him to his room (again)) that H SCARED him. When I told H that, his first instinct was to BLAME me and said I babied DS.







:

I read most of Raising a Spirited Child (in fact we have the author coming over for a consultation next week - yippee!) and in the tantrum section, she described exactly what it sounds like DS is going through just now and what your child may be going through. She said it's a developmental surge:

Quote:

Somewhere around their birthday or half birthday, you can expect trouble. They'll get cranky and uncooperative. They might be incapable of doing what they were able to do just a few weeks before. Nothing seems right. They're easily frustrated. Every time you turn around they're crying about something else...They want to be held and then push you away when you hold them. They're angry - angry at you, at the world, and at themselves. They are more easily upset by anything!
(80 words)

One thing I try to keep in mind is that DS is allowed to have feelings of anger, frustration, etc. I try very hard not to quell that. I am here to help him learn gently (I'm trying!) how to deal with it and express it w/o hurting anyone or yelling angrily.


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