# How old is too old?



## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Ok since day one we co-slept with my son. My son is 8 and we have tried various times to get him to sleep in his own room/bed. Since August my husband has been working across the country so it is only me and my little buddy. He snuggles with me every night. I hear about it all the time that he is way too old to be sleeping with me and that he should be in his own bed. My FIL who is a social worker asked if I wanted him to talk to him about it as he should be in his own bed no later than 9. 
He is the type of boy who will not go to sleep on his own unless absolutely exhausted. He will stay up for hours waiting for you tossing and turning on the bed. I send him up to brush his teeth and read for a while before bed. Sometimes you will think he has fallen asleep (after 30-40 min) only to hear "mommy are you coming to bed?" I love his snuggles and it doesn't bother me for the most part....although there are times when I am frustrated and just want him to go to sleep. He has always been a late to bed early to rise kid (930/10-7am). He gets more than enough sleep and wakes most times on his own.
So what do you think? Is he too old?


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## salr (Apr 14, 2008)

If both you and your son are comfortable with it, then I see no problem. 

Does he have a bed of his own he can go to if he wants? If not, you might get him one and do whatever encouraging towards it that you want to, and maybe that's nothing. That way you can just tell people that he has his own bed and you're happy with the arrangement, or that you're working towards him staying in his own bed full time and that process is going great. 

The point is, it's not something that's up for debate with other people. Your FIL sounds like he might have just been attempting to be supportive and helpful. But the underlying message I got was that he thinks you're just not strong enough to lay down the law and make a change, not that this is something you've thought about and are happy with. 

If he's a social worker and has such set ideas of what is correct, then I'd say it's time to just get him out of the conversation by saying everything's fine with your sleeping arrangements and your son has his own bed. Nothing else in this situation is anyone's business.

Snuggles are great. Plenty of people don't like to sleep alone.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

salr said:


> If both you and your son are comfortable with it, then I see no problem.
> 
> Does he have a bed of his own he can go to if he wants? If not, you might get him one and do whatever encouraging towards it that you want to, and maybe that's nothing. That way you can just tell people that he has his own bed and you're happy with the arrangement, or that you're working towards him staying in his own bed full time and that process is going great.
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I don't think that's too old. My first moved into her own bed at around 8yo, but I think part of it was crowding by her then-toddler sister. She might have stayed longer, who knows. Now I have a 6.5 yo snugglebuddy who shows no signs of leaving! 

Both girls have always had their own room/bed available; it's up to them when to start sleeping there.


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## VocalMinority (Apr 8, 2009)

As long as there aren't complicating circumstances, I think co-sleeping is like breastfeeding: at some point, as your kid gets older, he won't want to do it anymore (or only when he has a nightmare or there's an awful thunderstorm). At that point, you won't have to agonize over whether to make him stop, or how to do it. It'll just happen, like natural weaning.

_You (the OP) didn't say anything that made me think *you* might have "complicating circumstances"_, but if anyone wonders what I meant, they could include:

> A kid not having his own bed, as an option. I don't see it as a problem if a 1-year-old isn't given this option. (For our youngest, a toddler bed was a total waste of money!) But if an 8-y-o isn't given the option (_not a theoretical option, but an actual, physical bed he can hang out and read on during the day and sleep on if he wants to_), then he may still be co-sleeping because it's the path of least resistance, not because he truly prefers to.

> Emotionally unhealthy things in the family are making a kid insecure (like a divorce). That wouldn't be a reason to stop co-sleeping immediately, but to focus on helping him feel better.

> A kid's mom seems emotionally fragile and he feels responsible to comfort her and/or obligated to remain somewhat infantile, because he senses it makes her feel better to baby him.

All of these things were going on with my step-son, when he was 8 and a judge gave my husband custody. Co-sleeping was not the reason for the custody change, but it was mentioned in the ruling as a concern and, like the OP's FiL, the judge and the custodial evaluator in my step-son's case both stated that co-sleeping should stop by 9. So, if you want a _legalese_ answer to "How old is too old?", that's probably a good age. Personally, I think *if you're open to letting your son sleep on his own*, he'll do it when he's ready and that will be the right age.


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## SoulJourney (Sep 26, 2005)

My DS just turned 9 in December. It's just the two of us (only child/single mom) and we still sleep together. I have my own room and I regularly offer to sleep in my room and let him know to tell me if he wants to sleep alone. We homeschool so he is a late nighter. Sometimes I will let him know that I'd like to go to bed (before he's ready) if I'm super tired and he will always just go to bed with me instead of staying up and sleeping alone. A lot of this has to do with living in an old, creaky house and having an overactive imagination. Also, it's just the way he prefers it. If he has friends sleep over then I sleep elsewhere (my room or the couch.  ) so I think it's just that he likes to have someone in the room with him...which I do, as well so I can't blame him! I figure he will eventually want his own space at night and I will gladly give it to him. Until then...we cuddle all night!


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## es1967 (Oct 31, 2007)

My son is eight and he still sleeps with me too. He is like your son and has an overactive imagination and gets spooked easily. My DH works until midnight almost every night so most of the time its just me and my son. I feel like a single mom. My husband and I went to a marriage therapist last year and she told me I am causing lifetime psychological problems for DS. LOL. My son is the sweetest most level headed kid around. People are so ignorant about co-sleeping. I refused to see her again. Our marriage has suffered and I am looking for another therapist that is more open minded. I don't know if that exists. Personally, at this point I would prefer to have him sleep in his own bed because I am a light sleeper and he moves around at night. My problem is we live in a small condo w only 2 bedrooms. The second bedroom is across the electrical room with 40 smart meters and I refuse to let my son sleep there when there is so many possible negative health effects. Sometimes I feel that its the world against me. Our culture is so closed minded about co-sleeping.


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## farmer (Mar 11, 2008)

Could you put a twin bed somewhere in your room? Or tucked in a large closet/in the living room/nook/alcove/hallway? Or, a trundle bed? When my oldest (at 3ish) was weaned, she moved to a twin bed next to the big adult bed, which worked really well.

It sounds like your second bedroom is used as an office? If so, I agree that it makes sense to have your son not near all of the electronics.

Good luck mama!


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## smiller (Apr 24, 2015)

Our daughter is 8 and still sleeps with us. She has her own room and bed, and will sometimes decide she wants to sleep there (I think she views it as kind of an adventure), but always ends up back in our bed after a couple nights.

It doesn't bother us - I don't like sleeping alone either. I'm sure she'll stop by the time she's a teenager.


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## louisa0987 (Apr 29, 2015)

He's not too old, when he will be, he'll move out of your bed in a blink of an eye! Enjoy the cuddles while they last!


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