# verbal abuse in an almost 5 year old.



## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

My ds is completely out of control when he gets at all frustrated. Lately he has started saying the most horrible things. He tells me he hates me, calls me an idiot, a moron, and other horrible swear words that I can't write here. He tells other children he hates them. He says he wants to chop his brother's head off. Yesterday he told me he wanted me to fall down the stairs. I am so completely at a loss for what to do. He can, and often is a sweet loving, gifted child. But when things don't go his way he is crazy. He says the most hurtful things he can come up with. And no, no one talks to him that way. No, we don't swear at him etc. He has just picked up the words and figured out hurtful ways to use them all on his own. Today he called me a f*&%ing a**hole. That was the last straw for me. I sent him to his room for a nap about two hours ago, but he won't go to sleep, and I honestly can't even look at him after the last verbal onslaught. This is compounded by the fact that I have a two year old who is now also telling me he hates me and that I am a moron. I don't know what to do. What kind of natural consequences are there for this type of thing? I explain how hurtful it is, how it is the same as hitting over and over and over, and he feels bad, but as soon as he is frustrated, mad,. etc he is back to saying horrible things. I just don't know what to do.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

THis is the same issue as you have with 2 year olds hitting, except that 5 year olds have discovered the power of words.

I would HIGHLY recommend the book "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, along with 'How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen" by Faber and somebody. Both talk about "emotion coaching" so that you can find a way to bring your child back down from the edge and teach him appropriate ways to express his anger.

I don't think that sending him to his room for completely anti social behavior is bad. You do, however, need to follow this up with a discussion of what woudl be an appropriate response and why you are so upset. "When you say things like that, it hurts my feelings a lot. You can say you're mad, you can say you don't like something, but in our house ,we don't attack people with words."


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

mamapajama, hoping things are better at your house. i was just doing a search for kurcinka (thinking of getting her sleep book) and came across this thread. you might also like to check out "the explosive child" by (i think) ross greene. i've only just started it, but the scenario he starts the book with (a giant physically violent fit thrown over waffles) sounds like he knows what he's talking about. might be worth looking into.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

He's getting this stuff from somewhere. I'd be digging to find out who's teaching it to him (probably inadvertently, not realizing how kids pick up on things). I might be seeking professional help if my child were treating people this way. I'm at a loss.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

5yos often use verbal attacks the way toddlers have physical temper tantrums. It's good that they're using words instead of fists but NOT good that they're treating you disrespectfully or venting all their anger towards you.

First of all, it helps to remember that "I hate you" really means "I'm mad at you right now." I usually respond with a variation on "It's OK to be angry but it's *NOT* OK to hurt other people. When you yell it hurts my ears."

We've had a lot of talks about "hurting me with your voice" lately. But we're only dealing with loud voices (sometimes in anger, sometimes in play but still painful and annoying)- not harsh words.

When my kids act in anti-social ways, I send them to their rooms (or at least out of the main living area) until they've calmed down enough to act appropriately. I don't send them away for any specific amount of time, just long enough so that nobody is subjected to verbal abuse, and until the child is calm enough to talk about the problem/snuggle up with me/whatever is needed.

There are two main things to focus on with anger management: learning safer ways to express anger, and addressing the root cause of the anger. Both are important.

He needs to learn that certain words are very hurtful, and that you won't tolerate them in your home just as you won't tolerate hitting or kicking. He needs to learn safe ways of dealing with strong feelings- such as going into his room to be alone for a while until he calms down.

Try talking to him to find out what's troubling him. Bright children are often frustrated and bored. There might be other things going on in his life that are causing him to "act out"- family disharmony, trouble in school, etc.

For the kind of rage your child is experiencing, I would look into possible food allergies or environmental triggers. My DD gets behavioral reactions to synthetic food dyes and flavors/fragrances- whether the dye/flavor is ingested, or the dye/fragrance is absorbed into the skin, or the fragrance is inhaled. Food allergies or sensitivities (to things other than synthetic dyes) can have similar reactions in some people.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

popping back in to give a website addy: http://www.explosivechild.com/ . i'm about halfway through the book now and while it's a quick read a lot of it is really ringing true.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My first thoughts would be that perhaps there is some environmental trigger (food allergy type thing), or that there is something going on in his life that makes him feel exceptionally angry - change in child care, pregnancy in your family, something like that. He heard the "F-ing A" somewhere and wherever he heard that might be a clue as to what has him so upset. So my first instinct would be to see if there is some unusual source of the anger. If you find one, it might help you figure out how to help him with his anger.

Of course it's possible that this is just normal anger and he doesn't know how to deal with it, but if it were me I'd want to rule out other potential sources first.

I agree with Ruthla that their language sounds scary to us with our social conditioning, but "I hate you" and "I want to chop your head off" are just ways of saying "I'm angry" at that age. They don't know how hurtful those kinds of things are and to say something like, "I hear that you're angry. It's ok to be angry but when you say (whatever) it hurts my feelings" might help.








to you. This sounds very difficult.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Any clues to when it's coming? I worked with emotionally disturbed children for a long time (7+ years) and they were prone to these types of outbursts (not saying your child is ED, just saying that I've seen a lot of this) and one thing that really helped was being able to see the signs of it coming. Facial expressions, tapping, quietness, etc. Knowing what situations brought it on and what their personal build-up looked like. Then, heading it off: "Sam, it looks like you're getting upset. I can tell by your pacing. Lets go fix a snack and we can do what we talked about before to help you calm down." By stopping the build up, you avoid the crash. You can come up with a plan as to what to do, then when things look like they are heading south, try getting them to do the plan. Then talk about it. This often worked with my kids. Now, its a lot harder if they have a short distance from "Fine" to "Lost it". Then, you have to try to read clues further in advance...


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