# DD hit MIL back



## FallingLeaves (Nov 30, 2006)

DH and I have very different parenting styles and I am working on getting some books for him to read. His parents live with us and they have the same parenting style he has.

Today my DD tried to grab a glass bottle of salad dressing out of the fridge when MIL was getting something out. MIL smacked DD on the arm. DD began to hit MIL. I told DD that hitting hurts and it is not nice to hit, but someone just hit her so I can't say I blame her for hitting back. I tried to get DD away from the kitchen and she just kept running back in there to hit MIL some more.

MIL grabbed her and tried to put her in the corner. I told MIL that I do not want her in the corner and took DD to our room to talk with her, hold her, and hug her. DH, MIL, and FIL believe in spanking, hand slapping, etc. I was never spanked and I do not believe in those methods. I think it just teaches children that it is ok to hit. I think what happened today proves that. DH asked me why DD was hitting and I explained what happened and that she was hitting because someone just smacked her. Of course his mom can't do any wrong so he wasn't open to my explanation.

IL's know that I don't believe in spanking, hand slapping, etc but DH does believe in it and doesn't back me up so when they get the chance they discipline the way they want to. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to teach DD not to hit when sometimes they do that to her. I don't know how to explain to DD what is going on and why DH, and IL's do that. DD is only 2.5.


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## quelindo (May 11, 2005)

Wow, you're in a tough spot with your DH not being on the same page.

However, if that were me and someone did that to my child (my son is almost the same age as your DD) I would get up in their face and very strongly tell them that they are not to lay a hand on my child. _EVER_. I am horrified to think of someone treating my child that way.

I really feel for you. Hopefully someone else will have some more constructive advice.


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## Ecstatic (Aug 13, 2007)

Wow. This is so unhelpful probably ... but, I'd be very firm, i.e. I am leaving if you hit our child again or if your parents hit her. Personally, I see it as a form of abuse. And when it comes to inflicting physical pain on my child ... no way would anyone be near them. If, after I have explained the no spanking/hitting rule and it happens repeatedly ... that's it. It's two strikes for me. Hit my child once, and you're on serious probation. Do it twice, and we're gone.

Sorry, this was probably unhelpful to you. I freely admit I'm a bit of an extremist and there are some things I will never tolerate in other people - hitting my child is one of those things.

I don't think you need to explain things to your DD. I think you need to have a VERY serious talk with your DH and his parents.


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## leafylady (Nov 19, 2001)

Do you have to live with them? It sounds like a hopeless situation that you need to be out of.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL'smom* 
I told DD that hitting hurts and it is not nice to hit...

If MIL strikes your DD again, I'd say this very thing to her -- "Oh MIL, hitting hurts! It's not nice to hit! DD are you okay?" etc. To show her _and_ your DD that it's not okay for anyone to hit anyone -- your DD must be very confused wondering why big people get to hit little people but not the other way around -- poor kiddo!

Do your ILs have to live with you? Do you and your DH pay the bills? If so, I'd make a "my house/my rules" motto and tell them they're welcome to find their own place if they want to live somewhere that hitting is okay (and then, obviously, never bring DD there).


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL'smom* 
I told DD that hitting hurts and it is not nice to hit,

I'd like to think I'd say the same thing, only to your MIL. Honestly, I don't think I'd discipline ds at all for hitting someone back (well, I might tell him later that hitting hurts, etc. But definitely more of a "give info" thing). I mean, really, hitting in self defense is one of the more acceptable reasons to hit, kwim?


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## IdahoMom (Nov 8, 2005)

I want to say, good for her.







Grandma is teaching her, isn't she?


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ecstatic* 
Wow. This is so unhelpful probably ... but, I'd be very firm, i.e. I am leaving if you hit our child again or if your parents hit her. Personally, I see it as a form of abuse. .

Well, I guess I'll be unhelpful too, to me this is a no brainer, I would find a shoebox to live in rather than be in a situation where my parenting was undermined and my child was being subjected to physical abuse/discipline.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

When I first read this, my first thought was.....TEE HEE!!!

Serves her right!!! Now she knows what it feels like....but I would have been more inclined to smack her myself....but I digress...What I would have wanted to do and would have done can be two different things.

But seriously...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
If MIL strikes your DD again, I'd say this very thing to her -- "Oh MIL, hitting hurts! It's not nice to hit! DD are you okay?" etc. To show her _and_ your DD that it's not okay for anyone to hit anyone --

That is exactly what I would have done. Spot on!!!


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

I'm not into spanking AT ALL, but it has happened in our family over the 13 years that we've parented. I was totally against it, then tried it on for size, found it doesn't work, and we just don't really use it. I'm not extreme about it because I grew up with parent's who used spanking all the time. That said, TWO years old is WAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY to young to spank a child. WTH. My point being, even I, with my not so extreme sense of spanking, think that is WAY out of line. I'd cry if someone smacked my baby.
An adult smacking a BABY is just sad and selfish.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL'smom* 
...MIL smacked DD on the arm. DD began to hit MIL. I told DD that hitting hurts and it is not nice to hit, but someone just hit her...

I'd have stopped mid-sentence while telling DD that it's not nice to hit; and have asked MIL right then and there how she expects DD to understand that statement when she was just hit...? I guess it's not too late to ask her that. Then, I'd tell her that she's not to hit DD ever, no matter what. I don't know why you're in the situation you are (living with the inlaws); but I'd tell them they have to move if they don't respect your wishes (or, if it's their house, I'd be moving real soon).

I'll be honest with you; I've spanked my son. I know it's because of lack of other methods at a time of my own frustration and that spanking is counter-productive; but sometimes it just comes out. I was spanked growing up and I'm learning new ways and trying my best not to. I think your husband needs those resources quickly so he can get to understanding. When you're raised one way, it's a learning process not to do that thing...especially when you feel that you were spanked and you turned out ok.

That being said, if someone ELSE spanked/slapped my son, I'd be livid; and the sh*t would hit the fan. NOBODY (not even DP, and he lives here) is around him often enough to get that frustrated with him, IMO; and they'd better keep it in check. Espeically since I do (mostly) and I'm with him all the time.

I really hope you find a solution.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Darnit; I knew I should have read the replies first!









I'd do this next time that happens (and you can use it on MIL, FIL, AND DH)....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
..."Oh MIL, hitting hurts! It's not nice to hit! DD are you okay?"...


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## wombjuice (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
If MIL strikes your DD again, I'd say this very thing to her -- "Oh MIL, hitting hurts! It's not nice to hit! DD are you okay?" etc. To show her _and_ your DD that it's not okay for anyone to hit anyone -- your DD must be very confused wondering why big people get to hit little people but not the other way around -- poor kiddo!

Do your ILs have to live with you? Do you and your DH pay the bills? If so, I'd make a "my house/my rules" motto and tell them they're welcome to find their own place if they want to live somewhere that hitting is okay (and then, obviously, never bring DD there).









:


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Personally, there's NO WAY I'd of corrected my child for that - IMO that's called self defense. My children may hit anyone who is harming them, as I also would.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
Personally, there's NO WAY I'd of corrected my child for that - IMO that's called self defense. My children may hit anyone who is harming them, as I also would.

















:


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *New Mama* 

However, if that were me and someone did that to my child (my son is almost the same age as your DD) I would get up in their face and very strongly tell them that they are not to lay a hand on my child. _EVER_.

This is exactly what I would have done. In all honestly, I would say the same thing to my DH if he ever acted in an abusive way towards our son.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
If MIL strikes your DD again, I'd say this very thing to her -- "Oh MIL, hitting hurts! It's not nice to hit! DD are you okay?" etc. To show her _and_ your DD that it's not okay for anyone to hit anyone -- your DD must be very confused wondering why big people get to hit little people but not the other way around -- poor kiddo!

Do your ILs have to live with you? Do you and your DH pay the bills? If so, I'd make a "my house/my rules" motto and tell them they're welcome to find their own place if they want to live somewhere that hitting is okay (and then, obviously, never bring DD there).









: to all of it!!!

Please protect your baby from being treated that way. I'm sorry you even have to deal with all of this, you shouldn't have to.


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
Personally, there's NO WAY I'd of corrected my child for that - IMO that's called self defense. My children may hit anyone who is harming them, as I also would.

















:
I would've told MIL to pick on someone her own size...ME! And see where that gets her...but I'm just Mama-bearish like that. (And I don't like my MIL







: )


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It's awful that your DH is trying to parent counter to you and that he has back up.

I would have a firm but calm talk with my DH if he ever smacked/hit/spanked our child, pointing out how it negatively impacts their development, creates an enviroment of fear and makes the child fearful of him, as opposed to respecting and loving him.

If the behavior continued. Counseling. Then if it went on, I'd leave with my kid.

As for MIL smacking MY baby. Well, it would not stand. I would be up in her face too. It's my job to discipline...I'm the parent. Grandparents get to give out treats and hugs, NOT choose how to discipline.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

In many states it is considered assault to hit/spank/etc a child that is not yours. If they get uppity about how they want to discipline too, I'd drop them that little tidbit.

As for your husband, he either needs to back you up, and go back home to mama. I firmly believe that parents need to be united to defend their children. He needs to grow some cojones and tell his parents that they cannot spank their child. They had their chance at parenting, now it is your turn.

As for your dd, good for her for standing up for herself! I would be hardpressed to discipline her for what she did. She was only defending herself. Even at this young age, she has a lot of spirit and courage. Nurture that!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I thought "good for her" when I read your title too. She has every right to hit her back. What you teach dd when you tell her not to hit your mil is to not stand up for herself when someone hits her.

If it happens again, let her see you stand up for her.


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leafylady* 
Do you have to live with them? It sounds like a hopeless situation that you need to be out of.

uhm, yes. I don't see a solution other than this.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

You say his parents live with you, not that you live with them. So, I assume this is your home. I would tell them that if they ever strike your child again, they will be moving out without notice, even if you have to call the police to have them removed. I would tell my husband that he can support me or not, but that the police would be coming to remove his parents if they ever hit my child. I would actually tell them that they are not to discipline your daughter AT ALL, or they would not be welcome to live in my home. I also hope you are already not leaving them alone with her.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Your MIL is teaching your DD two things. One is that it's ok to hit, you've already figured out that one. The second thing is they are teaching her *not to listen to you* when you say things like "we don't hit." It's simple they did not stop hitting DD when you told them not to, so why should DD have to stop hitting if you tell her not to.

I would leave, I know it sound scary, but I did it. I spent several nights in a hotel after MIL hurt DS and DH sided with her, and it was worth it. I will not allow my child to be hurt not by my husband or anyone else.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

This is probably not an appropriate response but good for her!







:

I'm glad you were there to stop the situation from escalating. Really glad. But your daughter clearly has strong opinions about personal boundaries which is a GOOD thing. Many kids will take abuse and keep quiet. Clearly she is not one of them. Your MIL was wrong and your daughter reacted to that.

You've received some great advice about removing yourselves from the situation and standing up for your daughter (to your inlaws AND your husband) so that it does not happen again.


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