# I hit my little girl.



## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

I feel like complete sh*t. I just give up. I cannot parent this child.


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

mama. It's late, get everyone to bed and start over in the morning.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Yes you CAN Parent her. She was given to you for a reason...I am sure you must be doing SOMETHING right!

We all have times when we handle things poorly with our kids. Some children are more trying then others. It sounds like you are in a particularly rough spot with her today. I have had those moments too. Where I feel like ds 1 is just TOO MUCH for me, and I can't handle him anymore. I start feeling really trapped by that idea...that I am in an impossible situation with an impossible child and I am simply not cut out for this. What helps me in those times is to try and just focus on the present, and do something for myself, like take a nice bath. I try to get as much sleep as possible and make sure I am drinking enough water and eating enough. You know...just take as good of care of myself as possible.

I can't offer any other suggestions since I don't know what happened or what your challenges are.

HUGS to You Mama. I am sure you are a very good Mom. You know that it was not okay to hit her. I really hope tomorrow is better for you.









.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Kalisis, I was afraid what the reaction would be. When I read your post, I just melted from relief of being accepted and not shamed. I think I just learned a lot from that and will need to think about it some more. Perhaps it can help me relate to dd8 better.

dubfam, your post made me feel so understood. I did feel trapped in an impossible situation, and "not cut out for this."

Your two posts encouraged me to feel accepted and understood. That is how I want my daughter to feel. I just don't know how.

You're right it is late. I am going to sleep. But I will post again tomorrow.

Thank you both. I have come to the right place.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I'm sorry mama. Please forgive yourself. Today is another day.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Last night when I went to bed my dd8 was in her room stirring. I went in there and asked her if she wanted to sleep with me.

We layed in bed and she told me that when I spanked her it made her want to run away. This made me very sad, and I apologized to her for spanking her.

I am not a spanker. This came after weeks, no months, no YEARS of frustration. It is this ONE particular child and I's relationship that is so challenging.

I am not familiar with CL (consensual living) or gentle discipline, is it the same thing? Without knowing what they are, the words imply something that I embrace.

I have never sat down and analyzed my view on spanking. I just don't like it, and I feel that obedience and respect stemming from fear is imperfect. But I NEED this child to obey me and respect my authority and the right to make the decisions that are in my domain as mother and wife.

I do take into account her needs, which are very different then mine, and make many sacrifices and compromises on MY part.

I talk to her, explain my reasons for whatever, how this or that behaviour is hurtful to others and and ask her suggestions and offer some that would help everyones needs be met and rights respected. But I might as well go out and talk to our willow tree, for all the good it does. I have been accused by my mom and sometimes my dh of *talking too much,* just give her a good spanking.

On a side note, my husband is not pro spanking, but also gets frustrated with the situation and says, just spank her Wen, but when I say YOU DO IT, he says he doesn't hit. Well I don't either. But I am the one that has to deal with the consequences of her actions. The daily frustration of being ignored and having my rights trampled upon by this child, and her destruction of our property. And now her younger sis is following right in her footsteps. My ds1 is very similar to me in temperament and very reasonable. If I explain to him why and it makes sense, his response is usually a light bulb, "oh I see." The his behaviour changes according to his understanding.

My dd8 on the other hand, I can sense even while I am speaking to her that I am being ignored (which is rude IMO). Or she will start quickly nodding her head, to give the appearance that she is listening, buit is really just trying to get back to whatever it is she was doing, and NOTHING changes.

I do think with her it comes down to impulse control, and I was hoping she would grow out of it. But now that she is 8, I am afraid that she will just grow into a bigger and louder version of her steamrolling ways, and I am wondering if she will EVER get it, and I CAN'T live my life like this anymore. The fact that my other dd5 is following in her footsteps of disrespect and destuction concerns me greatly. Then I get the immature response, Hasn't she ruined enough? now she is setting me up for years of hell with my other daughter.

It seems with dd8 the pattern (cycle) is, me giving a lot of thought to her needs, over and over and over again with no thought from her, towards the needs of mine or other members of the family.

After a while, I really start to feel like I am kissing her a** and her behaviour just gets worse, and I feel like I am walking around with her size 2 shoeprint on my face. It's a really really crappy feeling.

I am not an unreasonable person, but if the other party is, just how far does talking go?

I cannot imagine living the next ten years like this. I want to run away, too.


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## Tinker (Mar 1, 2007)

lilsparrow, you're dd sounds just like mine. I have often felt that I am drowning in her. I have no advise for you just a


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

you can also come join us in the, "I am a new mama today' thread.
New mamas


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

It can get better and you can be the parent you want to be.

There's lots of help available here.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

Parenting is not easy, and some children are more challenging to their parents than others. It is hard work.

Last night was hard - go easy on yourselves today. Do some reading in the forums to find what you are looking for, pull out your issues of _Mothering_ magazine if you have them, take a look through the rest of the Mothering site for resources like this and info as well as the discussion board. I sometimes think I am going to wear out my copy of _A Quiet Place_ by Peggy O'Mara because I always pull it out when I am a my wit's end and not feeling good about how I am parenting my children. One of my children takes me to my limits again and again and it is so hard to stay centered with someone who challenges me so much.

With my dd (8 was a very difficult age with her, too) I found that too much talking didn't help and her behaviour got worse and I got more frustrated. What helped most was for me to be very concise and clear in what I said to her, then walking away. having a conversation didn't help anyone. Bering clear, kind, and straight in my communication and then walking away while she processed it helped enormously. When she was really worked up I started writing notes to her - then she would write back to me and we would find our way through the situation, express our feelings, etc - without tempers flaring.

I hope today is a better day for you.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Tinker, "drowning" in her is an excellent way to put it.

Marybethorama, thank you for the hug.

I joined the thread hipumkins. Thanks for the invite, hope to see you there.

And thank you for the resources shantimama, I am going to find time today for a cup of coffee and read through them. I really need some help.


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## mountainskymama (Jun 8, 2006)

Oh mama...

I am sorry you and your little girl had such a hard time. Every parent has done things they regret. You are not alone in that, and you are not alone in how you are feeling.

You can parent your daughter, because you *are* parenting her.

Please be gentle with yourself, and with her. Once you feel able to let go of what happened, move on, and find a way to re-connect with *your* truth, and with your daughter. Wrap your arms around yourself and around her. Breathe your love into yourself and her. She may want to talk about it, she may not. Be there for her, for each other.

This is a chance for growth and connection...find ways to bring love and light and healing in to the relationship...

Sending you love, sister...


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## SunnieP (Mar 13, 2007)

Before you give into the impulse next time remind yourself that it will invariably make matters worse, and you don't sound like you need anything going worse.


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

Hugs mama...we have all done things we are ashamed of. I am going through a particularily rough patch with my 4 year old and I pray every day that I won't give in to those angry feelings he evokes...it is a constant challenge. Good on you for your humility...


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## hedgewitch (Jan 24, 2008)

Been there. Done that. Felt like crap. I can totally relate to a lot of what you are saying. It is so hard but you must not get down on yourself as it creates a vicious cycle. I really like the book Becoming the Parent you want to Be. It helps me a lot and is good to dip in and out of.

It does sound like talking isn't helping and it may be that you are hoping for a level of appreciation and understanding that she isn't capable of. You may be better off focusing on setting clear expectations and boundaries and then clearly reinforcing them in a consistent way that you and your dh have pre agreed. Sometimes we talk in the hope of making a connection but not everyone will be able to meet you where you live. Maybe focus on the actions you want and leave the intentions for another time. Also look elsewhere for the nurturing that you need, make sure that you aren't being trampled and decided what you are and are not ok with. Being loving doesn't mean you get nothing, feed your needs too and create a framework to do that. You will be showing your daughter a great model for her future woman self.

You are aiming high and it sounds like you are doing a great job. We all slip up but you need to move forward. Part of being in a family is learning about how all people screw up but we love and care for them anyway.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Oh mama...

Quote:

I am sorry you and your little girl had such a hard time. Every parent has done things they regret. You are not alone in that, and you are not alone in how you are feeling.

You can parent your daughter, because you *are* parenting her.

Please be gentle with yourself, and with her. Once you feel able to let go of what happened, move on, and find a way to re-connect with *your* truth, and with your daughter. Wrap your arms around yourself and around her. Breathe your love into yourself and her. She may want to talk about it, she may not. Be there for her, for each other.

This is a chance for growth and connection...find ways to bring love and light and healing in to the relationship...

Sending you love, sister...
We slept together last night, and talked some more today. In fact I had a talk with all my kids. I told them I am a *new mama*, and we are going to have a *new way* in our family, striving towards an environment that meets everyones needs, and that our rights won't be violated. We spoke a little about respect of persons, property etc.

Oddly enough, our weekly gospel reading is 2Corinthians 13:11-13
"Become complete. Be in agreement with one another. Live in peace and the God of love and peace will be with you."

wendy


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunnieP* 
Before you give into the impulse next time remind yourself that it will invariably make matters worse, and you don't sound like you need anything going worse.

Tell me about it. I somehow managed to convince myself that spanking her in a controlled matter was better than screaming in her face uncontrollably, which I felt I was about to do. They both suck. I need a new way.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soybeansmama* 
Hugs mama...we have all done things we are ashamed of. I am going through a particularily rough patch with my 4 year old and I pray every day that I won't give in to those angry feelings he evokes...it is a constant challenge. Good on you for your humility...

I hadn't thought about it being humble. I remember thinking to myself, "What are you nuts? You are going to a gentle discipline thread to tell them you hit your daughter?" I thank all of you, for your non-judgemental support.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Been there. Done that. Felt like crap. I can totally relate to a lot of what you are saying. It is so hard but you must not get down on yourself as it creates a vicious cycle. I really like the book Becoming the Parent you want to Be. It helps me a lot and is good to dip in and out of.

It does sound like talking isn't helping and it may be that you are hoping for a level of appreciation and understanding that she isn't capable of. You may be better off focusing on setting clear expectations and boundaries and then clearly reinforcing them in a consistent way that you and your dh have pre agreed. Sometimes we talk in the hope of making a connection but not everyone will be able to meet you where you live. Maybe focus on the actions you want and leave the intentions for another time. Also look elsewhere for the nurturing that you need, make sure that you aren't being trampled and decided what you are and are not ok with. Being loving doesn't mean you get nothing, feed your needs too and create a framework to do that. You will be showing your daughter a great model for her future woman self.

You are aiming high and it sounds like you are doing a great job. We all slip up but you need to move forward. Part of being in a family is learning about how all people screw up but we love and care for them anyway.









Thank you, hedgewitch, this is fantastic advice.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Two books I love, and which have helped me become a more peaceful mom with a more peaceful family, are _Connection Parenting_ and _Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids_. Though I love them both, if I had to choose only one I would choose _Connection Parenting_ because it includes all of the helpful ideas I've read in other places all in one very practical and easy-to-follow book.

Here's a good article, too: Peaceful Parenting

And my favorite quote:

Quote:

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change. -Thich Nhat Hanh
I used to have this framed and hanging on my wall so that when I got angry I could look at it, and remember that my kids are the lettuce. And when I felt like a lousy failure as a mom, it would remind me that I am also the lettuce. We don't blame or punish lettuce, we just understand and love and do what we can to help it grow.


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## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

Well I don't have an 8 yo but I do have a DD who is special needs and I'm just wondering about your DD....have you ever had her tested for auditory processing disorder, sensory processing disorder or for ADHD?

My DD (4.5) has one or all of those (she's too young for a definitive diagnosis) and it's been hard for me because I'm a very VERBAL person - but she just can't take in what I say to her. So I've had to find other ways to communicate/discipline. I can talk till I'm blue in the face but she tunes it out - not because she is doing it intentionally but because she CAN'T take it in. And she's a sensory seeker so her impulse control is VERY low (at least in certain areas - she is the captain of destructo-land!).

Whether or not your DD has a diagnosible issue, it still might be helpful to treat her AS IF she can't take in your words...like some PP's said, use short, concise language, and don't get into lengthy discussions with her. And maybe act AS IF she has sensory issues and do some of the activities suggested for helping her regulate her senses better (and avoid areas likely to activate her annoying behavior).

I just know that for me, it's so frustrating, because it's so opposite of how I naturally approach things...it's like thinking in a foreign language for me sometimes. But then I guess that's how she feels trying to operate in a verbal world....but I digress.

Don't know if that's helpful, but thought I would mention it to see if maybe it sparks some more ideas on your part of ways to help the two of you connect better....

hth
peace,
robyn


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## hedgewitch (Jan 24, 2008)

[QUOTE ] it would remind me that I am also the lettuce. [/QUOTE]

I would like this on a t-shirt! That is such a wonderful sentiment that immediately moves you out of anger and into humour and understanding. I will look for this book too!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Just wanted to add a hug.

I have one very "challenging" child and I was late to the Gd realm of things. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Enjoy the good moments, try to detach just a little from the bad moments. Set consistent rules and boundaries and do your best to help your child follow through. Get a break now and then for yourself. You deserve it.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
Two books I love, and which have helped me become a more peaceful mom with a more peaceful family, are _Connection Parenting_ and _Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids_. Though I love them both, if I had to choose only one I would choose _Connection Parenting_ because it includes all of the helpful ideas I've read in other places all in one very practical and easy-to-follow book.

Here's a good article, too: Peaceful Parenting

And my favorite quote:

. And when I felt like a lousy failure as a mom, it would remind me that I am also the lettuce.

This caught me off guard! Funny and true!
this may be my new mantra ... "I am the lettuce".







:
(wipe eyes) this is cracking me up.

Oh and I checked my local library's online catalog for Connection Parenting. Checked in.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippymomma69* 
Well I don't have an 8 yo but I do have a DD who is special needs and I'm just wondering about your DD....have you ever had her tested for auditory processing disorder, sensory processing disorder or for ADHD?

My DD (4.5) has one or all of those (she's too young for a definitive diagnosis) and it's been hard for me because I'm a very VERBAL person - but she just can't take in what I say to her. So I've had to find other ways to communicate/discipline. I can talk till I'm blue in the face but she tunes it out - not because she is doing it intentionally but because she CAN'T take it in. And she's a sensory seeker so her impulse control is VERY low (at least in certain areas - she is the captain of destructo-land!).

Whether or not your DD has a diagnosible issue, it still might be helpful to treat her AS IF she can't take in your words...like some PP's said, use short, concise language, and don't get into lengthy discussions with her. And maybe act AS IF she has sensory issues and do some of the activities suggested for helping her regulate her senses better (and avoid areas likely to activate her annoying behavior).

I just know that for me, it's so frustrating, because it's so opposite of how I naturally approach things...it's like thinking in a foreign language for me sometimes. But then I guess that's how she feels trying to operate in a verbal world....but I digress.

Don't know if that's helpful, but thought I would mention it to see if maybe it sparks some more ideas on your part of ways to help the two of you connect better....

hth
peace,
robyn

I am very verbal as well, and the audio processing disorder has been lurking in the back of my mind. I think I may need to look into these things after all. Can you give me some examples of how you communicate with your daughter differently?

Your post was very helpful. If fact, I was reading it so intenly that when you said, " I digress," I thought, "What?" Cause I didn't think you were digressing.
Please continue your thoughts.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Just wanted to add a hug.

I have one very "challenging" child and I was late to the Gd realm of things. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Enjoy the good moments, try to detach just a little from the bad moments. Set consistent rules and boundaries and do your best to help your child follow through. Get a break now and then for yourself. You deserve it.

Sounds like a good plan.







Is it ever too late to reconnect and regain their trust?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

A couple of books I recommend:

Unconditional Parenting and Connection Parenting


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
A couple of books I recommend:

Unconditional Parenting and Connection Parenting

Thank you, A&A. I am going to the library TODAY, if possible.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilsparrow* 
Is it ever too late to reconnect and regain their trust?

NO!! It's never too late.

I have a very, very challenging child as well. We've been through the wringer here. It is never too late to reconnect and regain trust. One thing that really helped us do that here was to engage in 15-20 minutes of child-led, one-on-one time as many times a week as possible (we changed our 8 year old dd's bedtime in order to make time for this, and her "special time" is typically when the other kids go to bed). This time is uninterrupted, she leads and I follow her lead, this is not teaching time or time to discuss problems, and the idea is to engage in positive interaction only (so, and this has never been a problem for us during special time, if her behavior became rude or something we'd just casually (and without any criticism) end "special time," reminding her that we'll have special time again tomorrow/whatever day). Typically dd chooses things like drawing, writing stories together, reading while cuddling on the couch (I can read to her, or we can each read our own books and talk about the funny/interesting/exciting parts), a foot massage, playing with clay. We do avoid any competitive games during special time (so though she loves chess, that's not typically a special time activity).

What's nice about doing special time in this way is that it does allow us to connect, it allows us to enjoy positive feelings about each other (and all relationships do need joy, we need to enjoy each other), it does build trust. And this makes everything else easier.

A really, really good description of how to do this is in the book _The Challenging Child_ by Stanley Greenspan. In this book, it's the Floortime approach, and it's really focused on developing a trusting, positive relationship and healthy interactions.

I'm glad others like the lettuce idea. That is one that got me through a lot of hellish times.


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## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilsparrow* 
I am very verbal as well, and the audio processing disorder has been lurking in the back of my mind. I think I may need to look into these things after all. Can you give me some examples of how you communicate with your daughter differently?

Your post was very helpful. If fact, I was reading it so intenly that when you said, " I digress," I thought, "What?" Cause I didn't think you were digressing.
Please continue your thoughts.

LOL - okay let me see if I can think of some of the things I do differently....she's only 4.5 so our "problems" are somewhat young in nature...it's hard to think of when I don't have a specific problem. Our biggie right now is sharing.....

1 - I usually start by saying her name and making sure I have her attention - at least partially. I may have to get her attention a couple of times while I am talking with her....

2 - I try to keep whatever I'm saying short and clear.

3 - I try to have repeatable rules. It takes MANY repetitions before she understands some times (we all share. no hitting. ask before grabbing.) I will sometimes ask her to repeat the rule to make sure she understands my words. Word by word if necessary (DD, say "we" "All" "share" ) I try to break things down in discrete elements - not combine too many ideas in one sentence.

4 - I will tell her *exactly* what I expect her to say: DD say "DS can I play with that?" (if she's grabbing) or "I'm angry!" (instead of shoving or whatever) Again keep it short!

5 - I will use body contact. A hand on her shoulder often "settles" her enough to listen better. Sometimes when she is kind of just going "wild" I ask her to sit down with me and I will put my arms on her until she is calm. A heavy blanket or large pillow for her to hug are also helpful.

6 - I try to help her understand the emotions of the other person (do you see he's crying? (she nods) it's because he's sad. do you think he's sad? (she nods) He didn't like you grabbing the toy from him so he's sad.). This is becoming a biggie for her because I think the auditory processing stuff makes it hard for her "decode" another person's behavior. Again, repeating the concept several times (sad).

7 - I will physically "help" her to take actions sometimes. I will move her to where she is close enough to apologize, or clean up the mess or whatever. Several part instructions are hard for her so if the "punishment" is to clean up the mess, I will help her break down the task (go get the cloth first) then lead her to the spot then ask her to wipe or whatever, ask her to wipe, then tell her to throw the cloth in the hamper. I supervise each step to make sure she is still on task. Otherwise it's easy for her to go off in la la land and forget what she is supposed to be doing.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Is this helpful? Basically it's repetition and supervision...and slowing things down for her to understand. A great book on the auditory stuff is "when the brain can't hear" - it talks about the varieties of APD (did you know most middle age men get APD?! explains alot!) and how to deal with them.

eta: and what the PP said about connecting is really important too...the more my DD and I have spent time connecting through play or whatever, the more successful I am communicating with her about discipline issues....usually our connection playing is physical - rolling on the bed, swinging around, etc

hth - good luck!
peace,
robyn


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
NO!! It's never too late.

I have a very, very challenging child as well. We've been through the wringer here. It is never too late to reconnect and regain trust. One thing that really helped us do that here was to engage in 15-20 minutes of child-led, one-on-one time as many times a week as possible (we changed our 8 year old dd's bedtime in order to make time for this, and her "special time" is typically when the other kids go to bed). This time is uninterrupted, she leads and I follow her lead, this is not teaching time or time to discuss problems, and the idea is to engage in positive interaction only (so, and this has never been a problem for us during special time, if her behavior became rude or something we'd just casually (and without any criticism) end "special time," reminding her that we'll have special time again tomorrow/whatever day). Typically dd chooses things like drawing, writing stories together, reading while cuddling on the couch (I can read to her, or we can each read our own books and talk about the funny/interesting/exciting parts), a foot massage, playing with clay. We do avoid any competitive games during special time (so though she loves chess, that's not typically a special time activity).

What's nice about doing special time in this way is that it does allow us to connect, it allows us to enjoy positive feelings about each other (and all relationships do need joy, we need to enjoy each other), it does build trust. And this makes everything else easier.

A really, really good description of how to do this is in the book _The Challenging Child_ by Stanley Greenspan. In this book, it's the Floortime approach, and it's really focused on developing a trusting, positive relationship and healthy interactions.

I'm glad others like the lettuce idea. That is one that got me through a lot of hellish times.

Has any of this made a difference in your relationship with your dd?


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippymomma69* 
LOL - okay let me see if I can think of some of the things I do differently....she's only 4.5 so our "problems" are somewhat young in nature...it's hard to think of when I don't have a specific problem. Our biggie right now is sharing.....

1 - I usually start by saying her name and making sure I have her attention - at least partially. I may have to get her attention a couple of times while I am talking with her....

2 - I try to keep whatever I'm saying short and clear.

3 - I try to have repeatable rules. It takes MANY repetitions before she understands some times (we all share. no hitting. ask before grabbing.) I will sometimes ask her to repeat the rule to make sure she understands my words. Word by word if necessary (DD, say "we" "All" "share" ) I try to break things down in discrete elements - not combine too many ideas in one sentence.

4 - I will tell her *exactly* what I expect her to say: DD say "DS can I play with that?" (if she's grabbing) or "I'm angry!" (instead of shoving or whatever) Again keep it short!

5 - I will use body contact. A hand on her shoulder often "settles" her enough to listen better. Sometimes when she is kind of just going "wild" I ask her to sit down with me and I will put my arms on her until she is calm. A heavy blanket or large pillow for her to hug are also helpful.

6 - I try to help her understand the emotions of the other person (do you see he's crying? (she nods) it's because he's sad. do you think he's sad? (she nods) He didn't like you grabbing the toy from him so he's sad.). This is becoming a biggie for her because I think the auditory processing stuff makes it hard for her "decode" another person's behavior. Again, repeating the concept several times (sad).

7 - I will physically "help" her to take actions sometimes. I will move her to where she is close enough to apologize, or clean up the mess or whatever. Several part instructions are hard for her so if the "punishment" is to clean up the mess, I will help her break down the task (go get the cloth first) then lead her to the spot then ask her to wipe or whatever, ask her to wipe, then tell her to throw the cloth in the hamper. I supervise each step to make sure she is still on task. Otherwise it's easy for her to go off in la la land and forget what she is supposed to be doing.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Is this helpful? Basically it's repetition and supervision...and slowing things down for her to understand. A great book on the auditory stuff is "when the brain can't hear" - it talks about the varieties of APD (did you know most middle age men get APD?! explains alot!) and how to deal with them.

eta: and what the PP said about connecting is really important too...the more my DD and I have spent time connecting through play or whatever, the more successful I am communicating with her about discipline issues....usually our connection playing is physical - rolling on the bed, swinging around, etc

hth - good luck!
peace,
robyn

It does help, thank you. She had a difficult birth, and I suffered from PPD. I have long been concerned that her needs were not adequately met as an infant. I am always looking for ways to bring us closer. We will sometimes take a bath together ot feed eachother popcorn. I don't know why, but she loves doing that. Come to think of it, there is an improvement in her behaviour when we do this, and it _has_ been awhile. I think there is something to this. *I* always feel better and closer to her after one of these activities as well.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilsparrow* 
Has any of this made a difference in your relationship with your dd?

Yes. Definitely. It allows us to enjoy each other more, to be less frustrated with each other. I find I'm more patient, and more willing to listen to her concerns. She is more patient and willing to listen to mine. Having regular, positive connection time helps us establish trust and it helps strengthen our connection--and this is the foundation on which everything else is built.

And it isn't just the 15 minutes of special time that makes a difference, though that is a big, important piece of it. It's also making sure I take the time to look into her eyes and really listen when she talks to me, it's making sure I offer physical contact (a hug, a rub of the head, an arm around her shoulders), it's validating her feelings rather than dismissing them (for instance dismissing them by doing the old "I know you don't want to, but...."), it's talking about the ways in which we're alike, it's asking her what she likes and talking about how we're different. It's owning my own emotional reactions, and keeping that exasperated "your request/emotional display is such a pain in my rear" (which I think they hear as "_you_ are a pain in my rear") tone out of my voice. It's observing that the way I communicate love and what makes her feel loved may be different, and then communicating my love for her in her language (example: I noticed she expresses her love by offering to do things for people. And, especially when she's feeling down/irritable, she asks us to do a lot of simple things for her that she could easily do for herself-like get that pencil that's two feet away from her. While I used to just see that as, I don't know, laziness and tell her to do it herself, one day I realized that she's looking to be taken care of. To be cared for. To be loved in the way she shows love to others. And so now I make it a point to sometimes get her that pencil that's two feet away, without the sigh of exasperation and with a smile and a squeeze on her shoulder.) It's doing my best to speak to her with the same respect with which I like to be spoken to. It's learning to understand her differently, to see her behavior from a different perspective (a more positive one, one that assumes the best about her intentions/reasons behind her behavior). It's a lot of seemingly small actions every day that tell her I love her and value her and respect her. It's doing my best to put the relationship first, above all else.

We've worked long and hard. And life is not perfect, and neither am I. But I can say that dd trusts me, she does her best, she respects me, we've learned to work together pretty well. Our relationship is much more harmonious than it once was. Not completely conflict-free, not frustration-free. But I don't feel the despair I once did.

I should add, also, that we have gotten psychological help to learn to work with dd, which has been enormously helpful. Dd has/had sensory issues, anxiety, and difficulty with certain skills that led to her most difficult behavior. This is a child for whom typically recommended discipline approaches did not work, not because she was too stubborn but because she had underlying issues getting in the way. We didn't know if anything was wrong when we sought help, we just knew our family was miserable and we didn't know what else to try to make it better. And I am very glad we did.

There's a book that dd and I are enjoying right now, called _Just Mom and Me_. It's full of activities for mom and daughter, some of which I wouldn't have thought of on my own. I gave it to her as a gift, and she loved it. We've enjoyed some nice moments of closeness having fun with it.


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Thank you Sledge, your post was very helpful and it gives me hope. I do think my dd has audio processing issues, and perhaps some sensory issues as well.

I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences with me. It gives me hope. I really love her so much and she really is an awesome little girl I could right a list a mile long of her incredible qualities. She is the girl full of "GREAT IDEAS."







I am just out of them myself.









I am looking forward to reading Parenting Connection because mainly I am looking forward to connecting with my daughter. I had so many hopes for our relationship, certainly nothing like it is now.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

so maybe ask HER for one of her great ideas to solve this...


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
so maybe ask HER for one of her great ideas to solve this...

I have ... she says another guinea pig.







I just got her one a month ago!

But you're right, her input would be invaluable.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

uve inspired me too, mama!


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
uve inspired me too, mama!

Who are you referring to? I know it's not me. lol

I see you are in Israel. That is crazy fascinating! I love the internet.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

yes you! I told my dd "mommy\s never going to hit you again". I have no idea how "m goint to make that happen, but I am.

For the record we hit on the hand...but even a little hit on the hand opens up a can of worms for me, comign from parents who did, what |I think, were some very not okay and cruel things.

Anyways I'm DOING it!


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
yes you! I told my dd "mommy\s never going to hit you again". I have no idea how "m goint to make that happen, but I am.

For the record we hit on the hand...but even a little hit on the hand opens up a can of worms for me, comign from parents who did, what |I think, were some very not okay and cruel things.

Anyways I'm DOING it!

Lol ... I thought you meant someone else. I guess it does take some courage to try something new, and unconventional. How is it working for oyu so far? Have you joined the new mamas thread?


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

I haven't much time (I promised myself I would get OFF the computer and onto the rest of life today!







) but I couldn't read without posting. I'm sorry, I haven't the time to read all the replies...

I just wanted to send my support as well and tell you that IME, some of my best parenting comes immediately after my worst. My worst parenting moments are the ones that make me stop, take stock and strengthen my resolve to get back to living my own parenting philosophy.

Children and parents together have the immeasurable ability to deal with, heal and move on. Play, talk, apologies, learning from this and making a better choice next time are all valid points and worth living our life by. It's not our mistakes so much, rather how we deal with them that is important. When our children experience our mistakes it's not easy, BUT when they also observe and experience our ability to learn from our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and make ammends it speaks volumes to them, and allows them to apply this to their own lives as well.

Hang in there, mama.









Em


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## lilsparrow (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
I haven't much time (I promised myself I would get OFF the computer and onto the rest of life today!







) but I couldn't read without posting. I'm sorry, I haven't the time to read all the replies...

I just wanted to send my support as well and tell you that IME, some of my best parenting comes immediately after my worst. My worst parenting moments are the ones that make me stop, take stock and strengthen my resolve to get back to living my own parenting philosophy.

Children and parents together have the immeasurable ability to deal with, heal and move on. Play, talk, apologies, learning from this and making a better choice next time are all valid points and worth living our life by. It's not our mistakes so much, rather how we deal with them that is important. When our children experience our mistakes it's not easy, BUT when they also observe and experience our ability to learn from our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and make ammends it speaks volumes to them, and allows them to apply this to their own lives as well.

Hang in there, mama.









Em

Thank you Em. You are right that many times significant and positive change is precipitated by a crisis. I am hoping that this was a rock bottom moment.
Yhank you for your encouraging words.


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