# I feel like I'm failing as a parent



## ChippyHippyMom (Mar 19, 2014)

It's a truly awful feeling, my home is in complete chaos 95% of the time, I can't find anything. My SO and I are constantly passing parenting responsibilities back and forth like a game of hot potato and neither of us seem like were pleased with our lives right now. I feel lucky if I can remember to dry my 1st graders gloves off for school the next morning. 

SO this is a vent I guess. But I'm dying to hear back.

WHATS wrong with us!?

I have two of the most energetic kids in the world, my 18 month old WILL find a way to spill water OR food OR anything all over the floor, its a full time job to keep of with her. 
I am truly enjoying the person my 6 year old is becoming, but I don't want to wait years until my daughter grows up to fully enjoy her. 
Other people seem to have it together, other people seem to homeschool with minimal issues, people with twice as many kids as us have clean, drama free households. 
I homeschooled for a year with a newborn and my 5 year old, and it was SO SO hard. I realized that I'm not cut out for it, although I really wanted to do it. 
Now I'm working as a teacher and my kid is in a fantastic Steiner school and I'm STILL having a hard time. 
It's making me feel like all the choices I feel are right for us i.e prolonged breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling , AP parenting, our kids are SUPER attached and wont let anyone babysit, etc. only works for a certain bunch, but eludes me or us as a family.
I am SO fatigued all the darn time, all the time, how can someone who wanted this life so badly, suck so bad at it. My SO asks me why I seem so angry all the time when I have everything I want, and he's freaking right!

I can't get with the sleep deprivation, my nipples being torn off, my extra 20lbs, it's always LOUD and demanding, my socks are ALWAYS wet!! my SO seems unfulfilled, never having time to myself, not knowing what to do with that time EVEN if I have it, like now when everyone is asleep and I'm here venting.

I haven't proof read and I'm sorry if I sound nuts and incoherent but I feel like I'm starting to get depressed, which sucks because I worked really darn hard to not be and haven't felt it since in about 10 years.

It pains me that my kids are growing up in a chaotic home when I have such good intentions and I really wanna do this thing right. I've heard people say "I love the chaos" I've never felt that way ever, the clutter and messes and screams drive me nuts!

Other people so this....:frown::serious:


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

And are you also rescuing pit bulls as your signature says!!! :dizzy:dizzy

So many things jump out at me about your post. It makes me want to take a deep breath first...... There.

I want you to check in on your perfectionism. Is there a vision of you as yourself, the earth mother, juggling all of this effortlessly, without any self-nurturing?! Is that how you thought it would be? Your breasts would flow with milk and yet the dishes would be washed and dried! I am not being critical, I am trying to be funny, because we all have some kind of vision inside ourselves about how things will be, and reality can be a hard truth!!! >

In terms of the chaos, it may be that your kids are doing just fine, and that they do not mind the chaos. They likely just plug into the fun parts of you and your partner and the nurturing that they can count on. 

The anger likely comes from the constant discord between your ideal and what's real. That is a cognition and/or perception, which technically you could change. If you were to flow with the chaos, you might not be angry about it.

On the other hand, if you wanted to try to get a grip on things so that your home was more peaceful, there are totally ways of doing that, that don't break you. But first, before anything, I think you need to schedule some self nurturing. I don't think anything is going to work until you completely prioritize yourself for a bit. Schedule a massage? Take a walk? You may feel that your kids can't separate well because they just haven't had that much opportunity to. But they can. The partner that's left behind, or the friend if you both go out, can be loving and nurturing and let them be sad about saying good bye for a little bit, and then you will come back! And they will learn more about how grown-ups do what they say they are going to do! They said they would come back and they did! Object permanence!!

For home management, I am a fan of Flylady because it was the only system that spoke to me for getting chaos under control There are other systems. They are built on very mild routines--not super rigit, just little things we can do so that our car keys are always where we want them, etc. Plus she preaches self-respect and mom getting the oxygen mask first before helping everyone else. 

That's enough for my first free association to you!!!!


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## Jessica Swift (Feb 29, 2016)

You're probably pushing too hard on yourself that all the things you've been trying so hard weight to the point you're on the edge of break down.
Grant yourself a short leave, and when you feel more relaxed, look back at where you were. Maybe you'll find the answer.
Good luck :wink:


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

I was going crazy with ONE kid and no job, when my son was about 2 I went on a trip with some friends for a few days all by myself. It felt like I had lost nearly everything about myself, even my own private internal voice was being monopolized by my super ultra chatty and busy toddler. Another thing that helped was launching a personal project when my son was 3 that had nothing to do with motherhood but was a re entry into the world before my child was born. To achieve the project I wanted to accomplish I partnered with another mom and we child swapped, so no child care fees and our kids were already OK with each other. I think someone said cleaning a house with children in it is like shovelling snow in a snowstorm. Maybe the house needs decluttering, maybe you need some help? I knew one group of moms who would help each other organize their homes because they really hated organizing. Many moms hire housecleaners for assistance. The cleaning thing bothered me but I'm adaptive. I actually kind of find things are worse now, and my kid is a teen. I really don't like housecleaning so when I have to do it, I put some music on and get to it. I delegate chores to my son. If time is an issue I try to just get one project done: Today is bathroom day! etc. My one friend coped by having a few very firmly held rules, no food or drink anywhere but the kitchen for ex.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

You have a 6 year old, an 18 month old, you work as a teacher, and you don't know why you are tired all the time?


Honey, you are doing a ton. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a pat on the back. 


I agree about trying Flylady. She really helped me get it together when my kids were little. I gradually become happier and better able to enjoy all that I had been blessed with because things weren't so out of control. I had never learned how to run a home, and her web site helped me develop the skills I needed. 


None the less, no matter what changes you make and what routine you put in place, I suspect that until you stop comparing yourself to others (and to your ideal of perfection), you may continue to be angry and unhappy. Trying living more in the moment without judging the moment. (I know that this is easier said than done).


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

*agree*

Not sure who you are comparing yourself too, but there's a cost for everything, and sometimes people who appear to have it together are maintaining a public face so it seems like they are successful. You could spend more time cleaning but at what cost? I agree about holding onto what's good now, your baby will go through toddlerhood which as you know is super messy and then one day they'll be away from you all day. There has to be a balance between getting enough clean for your sanity and being a martyr to it. I'm finding now that constantly reducing the stuff in my house helps me get a lid on things. Every single change of the season I purge stuff and think of the possible recipient and how they might find it good or useful. I am a happier person when I can do a few things just for myself as well. When my son was about 7 I suddenly realized I hadn't had any new clothes for years, I couldn't take him to stores to go shopping and all my energy was going into his upkeep. Oh and just getting out of the house and forgetting about it for a while, go on a picnic, go to a museum, go to the pool. Try to have some spontaneous fun. Which I know can be hard with little kids but... just try to go out without expectation. Getting exercise also helped my state of mind, like joining a yoga class.


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## tournesol (Jul 22, 2013)

Give yourself a lot more credit! Having a messy, noisy household with kids that are doing well and connecting to you guys is in no way failing as a parent. It means you are doing well as a parent! 

The thing that is not working is meeting your desire for a more orderly, peaceful life. That would be nice! But it's a completely different category.

Having less stuff can really help. Having radically less stuff, so I hear, can radically help. (On the other hand, maybe more gloves...)

If the fatigue seems excessive, or even if you just want to, be sure to check out medical causes such as possibly hypothyroid. Of course beyond that working on fatigue and boosting your physical health is an endless topic with a lot of solutions to try.

I would suggest sitting down, maybe with paper and pen and DH, and problem-solving one particular issue/goal at a time, choosing one or just a few solutions to work on/try. It might be sleep. It might be decluttering. It might be quiet time.... etc. Work on implementing whatever it is for, say, a week. Then check in again, maybe keep working on it, or try different solutions, or maybe focus on a different issue the next week.


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## iamregina (Mar 3, 2016)

tournesol said:


> Give yourself a lot more credit! Having a messy, noisy household with kids that are doing well and connecting to you guys is in no way failing as a parent. It means you are doing well as a parent!
> 
> The thing that is not working is meeting your desire for a more orderly, peaceful life. That would be nice! But it's a completely different category.
> 
> ...


This is right. Keep your head up! Always surround yourself with people who uplift your spirit. :x


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## Angiwhite (Apr 12, 2016)

I should definitely take a pic of my living room and show you what chaos is. You know what, stop thinking that "others" have perfect lives and that they manage to have everything figured out. The grass is always greener elsewhere. These people probably have clean houses and polite kids, but everyone have they own dark phases. And to be honest, I think going in a house with toddlers and find it perfectly spotless clean is a bit freaky!


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## AliceandtheRabbit (Apr 15, 2016)

You are definitely not failing an a parent just because of a mess! But constantly comparing yourself to others and an unforgivable perfectionism might do much harm. I mean, striving for perfection is great and all, but what _is_ perfection? If your kids love you, are attached to you, are growing up into their own persons, then, I think, you might be on a right track. It might be hard to let go of that perfect picture of a family that each of us has built in their head before coming nose-to-nose with reality, but I've found that reality is much more interesting, albeit definitely far more challenging. I sometimes too feel that I am not doing enough for my kid, that I'm an ungrateful wretch that just can't manage even the simplest of tasks successfully, but I try to take a deep breath, pause for a moment and say to myself: " I's okay. I have this miracle, a family that I love and that loves me back. I will deal with everything else step by step."
Please, don't give up on yourself!


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

ChippyHippyMom said:


> Other people seem to have it together, other people seem to homeschool with minimal issues, people with twice as many kids as us have clean, drama free households.


"Seem" is the key word there.  Not everybody is honest with the world about their struggles.

Are you on Facebook, by chance? I finally had to leave. I couldn't take all of the look-at-my-perfect-little-life status updates. Apparently I wasn't alone. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/04/facebook-envy_n_6606824.html

Was it Mark Twain who said that comparison is the death of joy?

I just wish you lived next door to me so that we could commiserate. I relate so much to your post that I want to hug you! :hug


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## JennyBirch (Apr 14, 2016)

If one kid counts as half-time job, you have 2 of them, AND you have a full-time job with children (if I understand everything correctly), then you have something like 80 hours of working time per week. Of course you are exhausted, and some responsibilities suffer. Maybe it would make sense to relax some of the standards you apply to yourself and your parenting. Also, some scheduling with clear goal setting might help.


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## head4thehills (Feb 19, 2014)

ChippyHappyMom, I feel I could have written much the same post as you. In fact, almost every day I think of writing almost the exact same thing. Only, I don't have a job on top of parenting. 
So much good advice in the replies, that I don't think I have anything new to add. But just want to say that I feel the same way too! And I've found that when I'm feeling my worst about being a parent, like I'm not cut out to be a mom even though I wouldn't give it up for anything, it's usually a sign that I'm just plain tired and need a rest. I feel bad about it though, because usually that feeling happens at about 12 noon! And, yes, I'm constantly comparing myself to others, or how I imagine it to be for others. I look around my place and think we must be among the trashiest people on earth because of the clutter and poor condition of the house. But then I have to constantly remind myself that the house was in this condition when we moved in (it's a poorly maintained rental), that we have a lot of stuff because we have kids (and not as much storage space as families with, say, a garage and a basement and closets for everybody) and that I'm so tired because... wait for it... I need sleep! I have a super sweet toddler hanging off my nipples for most of the night and a good portion of every day and a super spirited 5-year-old that I'm trying to find time to educate in ways that previous generations of parents didn't have to. There are too many stresses and anxieties, large and small, to list here. All part of being a parent and I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. Maybe I don't FEEL like I'm doing a good job at being a parent, but at least all the outward signs show that I'm not doing that badly.
That said, it does help to get out of the house if I'm feeling crazy over the mess, clutter and frustration over trying to keep on top of it all. Just going out in the yard helps, or to the library, grocery shopping, an afternoon at my parents to surf the web. For me, the crazy feeling is at its worst when I'm at home trying to do it all. It magically disappears as soon as the dirty dishes are out of sight.
Have to run. sorry if I've rambled!


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## MamaKat_03 (May 8, 2016)

You ARE NOT failing as a mother! 

BUT the one who you are failing is yourself. You NEED to take time for yourself. Remember the airlines saying "Put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST, before putting it on your child's oxygen mask."? 

The same goes for health. You need to take care of you or your children will definitely suffer if you become ill or despondent from a mental breakdown. 

Give yourself time away from the home and get into a peaceful quiet surrounding and breathe. Stress is killer on mama's everywhere.


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