# How DO you handle crazy kicking head-butting punching biting screaming tantrums?



## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

I just don't know what to do anymore.
Nothing is working for me.
I don't even have the energy to tell you how bad it was this afternoon (again) and how I handled it... all I can say is that nothing is more frustrating/humiliating/discouraging/exhausting/depressing than walking four blocks on crowded city streets trying to get home as fast as you can while ds is FREAKING OUT on me and beating me up the entire way.


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## Live~Laugh~Love (Dec 21, 2004)

HANG IN THERE


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Hi Mama....
My third son would do that only occasionally, and I would do what you did (minus the 4 block walk on a city street), but i would walk, as calm as I could, to the car and go straight home, with him continuing to kick and scream...it was awful.

Basically, I gave up and took him no where...I mean nothing worked. It seemed that no matter what time of day it was, he would flip out the minute I entered the store, any store! I mean, going for a gallon of milk was an emotional hell.

How is your child at home?

I figured out that my kid just couldn't deal with the onslaught of energy in walmart, safeway, Walgreen's whatever. He is now 7 and is fine. I just contributed it to sensory overload.

I have no idea if this is at all helpful, but I didn't want to read and run.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

I just feel like







right now
I'm so burned out by all of this
I'm burned out of being a mother


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## calicokatt (Mar 14, 2005)

sounds like you need a drink!







: Mine have done this, too, and I usually just pop them in a cart or something and let them do it, pretending I don't notice. They quit pretty quickly. I DID get some nasty looks though.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

When my son was doing this i was so _angry!_ I mean, why wasn't he like my other two kids? It was emotionally exhausting and I was so frustrated. I literally could do nothing. Everything I did was when my husband was home, or he was napping and my oldest daughter would babysit.

I really understand your frustration. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to walk 4 city blocks. I think your feelings are normal. There isn't a mother alive that hasn't been frustrated and tearful. I dont know one single mom friend that hasn't been brought to her knees by her child.


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

Its hard mama!







I have days like that too and it really dampens my spirits.









I just keep saying, "This too shall pass! This too shall pass!" And it does.

SOmetimes little people are so hard to figure out! It can be so frustrating to know what they want from us when their actions SCREAM that they dont want us near them! My ds (will be two next month) has spells where is just wails and wails and wont let me come near him and he wont let me help him. I get so frustrated with myself and when its happening in a public place (bank, shop, street) I get panicky because I just want to get us to a safe place!

Please dont beat yourself up mama! Motherhood is THE HARDEST JOB on this green planet!!


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

but seriously, what do I do?
how do I teach him to not hit (etc)?
how do I diffuse the tantrum?
what do I say to him?
How do I control my anger?


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
but seriously, what do I do?
how do I teach him to not hit (etc)?
how do I diffuse the tantrum?
what do I say to him?
How do I control my anger?

If you were shopping, I would leave the store, including a full cart.

I don't know of anyway that you can diffuse a tantrum. I have however, walked away from him and put myself in time out. he could flail and cream all he wants, but not with me watching him.

Sometimes I have said nothing, other times i might have said go up to your room and pitch a fit, with me carrying him up there and telling him he can come downstairs when he's done. I really believed that my child had to get this out of his system, and the only way he knew how was by pitching a fit. This does not mean I tolerate or condone his behavior, but I knew that kids have poor coping skills. It got to be that Nick would _walk himself upstairs, close his door and pitch a fit!_ (and not worries mama, the door wasn't locked, most of the time it was open, and if it was closed it was because he slammed it)

As he got older I would explain that being angry, mad, frustrated are all normal, but we have to deal with these feelings in an appropriate manner.

I still believe that my child suffered from some sort of sensory overload. He had other issues with textures in food, the way certain clothing felt on his skin, issues with warmth and cold, and some mild eczema.

About your anger, when I would be at my breaking point I would give myself a time out. I would go to my room and shut the door, or hide in the bathroom (as long as my child was safe).


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

I dont have a fixed solution as what I do changes all the time depending on where we are and what is happening.

If he is hitting I hold his hands (not hard - he could move them away from me if he wanted to) and look at him and say, "Noah, please dont hit. It is sore." He cant speak very well so telling him to use words instead is pretty pointless. More often than not he can see that I am upset (sad) and he kinda goes into quiet sulk mode for a minute and then comes and gives me a hug.

Now that is when he just hitting me or his older sister. When he is in Uber Tantrum Mode..... well.... all I can do usually is just sit a few feet away from him where he can see Im available if he needs me and wait it out. But that only works when we are at home. If it happens in the shops or some place public where I cant just let him get it out of his system (he will NOT let me pick him up or move him or anything...) then that is where it gets hard for me. IF we are out then 99% of the time we have walked and he is in a stroller (baby in a sling) and I just do my best to get home in one piece asap.

I really wish I had some advice that was a cure all but I dont







I know that it is extrememly hard though







When I find myself getting really angry I assess the situation if its possible I walk away to another room and just regroup. I remind myself that he is as frustrated as I am and I need to remain as calm as possible so that things dont get worse. I scream into a pillow if it gets real bad. Sometimes I end up crying along with him. When he is calm I tell him I love him. I tell him I want to help him feel better when he is upset. I tell him I want him to be safe and that I want everyone else to feel safe too.

I dont know that this will work for you but I do know that whatever you do you will have to do it a million and sixty eight times before it doesn't happen anymore.

Hang in there mama!


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

With ds, he is not quite in the tantrum phase(16 months) but he gets SO easily frustrated. Ever since I can remember.lol He will hold out his hands, fists all balled up. And then he shakes..We call it the "hulk" impersonation. He especially does it if you don't feed him fast enough at a meal.
Don't have much advice really, and I don't think you need it. I like the holding technique myself when dd is throwing a tantrum, or hurting herself or others I just hold her and talk to her. As much as she will let me. Or, I will do as a pp said, and sit a bit away from her. And tell her matter of factly-"I don't want to sit next to you while you hurt me. i will sit next to you when you can be nice to me. We don't hurt people in this house." But it's so hard out in public.

Hoping you can all get to rest a bit this everning


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Have you asked him this question? When Bonnie was going through a very serious tantrum streak about a year ago it helped a lot to talk to her about it when she was calm, a couple of hours later. I re-affirmed that in our family we don't hit people, reminded her that I don't hit her and she must not hit me. I also asked if she had any idea what might help when she felt upset like that. Did she want me to hug her? Talk to her? Be quiet. Stand two feet away from her? Balance an apple on my nose? We talked about the fact that there are limitations on what I can do for her where. If he has a tantrum and home you can put him in a safe place and let him howl it out if he needs to... but you can't do that in a subway. You can't walk away from him on a crowded street.

He's a smart and sensitive kid. Help him see your side of it and ask him what he needs when he feels crazy like that. Also, I think it helps to tell kids that feeling that way is normal... and that it's okay to feel very angry sometimes... they just have to learn acceptable ways to express that anger.


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Have been through this with ds#1 when he was younger.

The hitting...I just gently, but firmly held his hands down and said "We don't hit, it hurts." And like Raven said, it took a million and eight times.

The tantrums...I mostly tried to run any errands when I thought he would be in "good shape" meaning not tired, not hungry, not overloaded or stressed. Errands were hard because I couldn't run very many at once and sometimes had to leave the store if he started to get worked up.

During a tantrum, he didn't want anything to do with me, but afterwards, he be exhausted and sometimes need to nurse or snuggle. FWIW, this will pass. He's a great kid now.

Hang in there. Do you have someone you trust to watch him for a bit, so you can get a little break? A break now and then for you can do wonders.


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## PrincessCass (Aug 6, 2005)

My three year old sometimes has tantrums. Once while we where on our morning walk He decided he wanted something I didn't have so I told him I don't have any He proceeded to throw himself on the ground and such I very calmly as calmly as I could muster told him "This is unacceptable if you continue we will not finish our walk and we will go home for your time out." I think he decided going home and time out would work for him cause he didn't stop so I headed home he saw me walk away and eventually he followed but when we got hoe he recieved two minutes in the "naughty spot" After the two minutes I explained what behavior was wrong and asked for an apology then I gave him big hugs and cuddles and told him how much I loved him. since then we have had two small outbursts each resulting in a time out. This method seems to be working well for most of DS's behavior issues and I don't feel like a big mean Mom after punishing him. The key for us was that I needed to be consistent he had to know if I do this I will be put in the naughty spot every time. giving the verbal warning fisrt tends to get his attention.

Just thought I'd share what has been working for us I don't know why they call it terrible two's when the three's are so much worse :LOL


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

How old is your son? Two year old meltdowns are different than 4 year old meltdowns, and those are different than 6 year old meltdowns...

Rather than walking 4 blocks with a screaming kid, I'd probably stop, maybe in a doorway if there is no other place, and take some deep breaths, and ride out the storm a bit. In most situations, getting home 20 minutes later won't be a disaster - and with young kids, I tried to plan my life so that getting home 20 minutes later wouldn't matter, so I would have time to stop and recollect.

I'd also look into what's setting him off - crowds? being hungry (little kids get hungry fast, and low-protein meltdowns are ugly)? being tired? walking too far? Once you start to see a pattern, you can plan your day in a way that decreases the liklihood that a tantrum will be triggered.

Dar


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I don't think there is much you can do during the tantrum, except try to keep him and you safe.

There are two holds you can try to keep yourselves safe until he is able to be calm.

One is you sit down, and sit him in your lap, facing outwards. Place your left leg over his left thigh and your right leg over his right thigh. This way, when he kicks, he has to lift your leg, and this diffuses some of the force. Cross his arms in front of your chest, and hold his forearms, in a bear hug. Don't hold him at the joints or apply pressure to any joints (wrist, elbow, or knees). Don't pull his arms so tightly that his breathing may be restricted. Now, you just have to watch out for head butts. You can either put a pillow between his head and your chest, or lean slightly to the side, so it doesn't hurt as much.

The other type hold is lay him down, face up (never face down). Kneel over him. Put your knees on the outside of his legs. Put your calves over each of his legs and support your legs on your feet/toes. Don't rest your legs on top of his; you form a kind of bridge over his legs with your legs. Spread his arms out, and putting your weight on your fingers, lock his forearms between your fingers and your thumb. Aqain, you don't put your weight on his arms, you form a bridge with your hands.

Then basically you just wait. Words won't have much effect; he won't be able to process what you are saying. Take long, slow, deep breaths. You could sing a lullabye, or recite poetry, or tell a soothing story. When he is calm for 60 seconds, let him up. If he can't control himself again and hits, hold him again if needed.

Passersby might look at you funny and you might feel odd. People will probably ask if you need help. Responding calmly that you have it under control will help your son realize you have it under control and he is safe.

All the work in decreasing tantrums happens before and after the tantrum. Nothing is really learned by the child during the tantrum. You might try to look at what happens before, exactly. Is it always in a certain place, like a store? At the same time of day? How long since he has eaten? Does he want something that he can't have (like demanding a toy from the store)? Is it for attention? Is it to escape from the place? Is he overstimulated? It won't do any good to ask him why he is threw a fit - he probably doesn't know and will tell you something, but it won't be accurate. You have to be the detective.

Once you have an idea what might be causing the tantrums, you can set up "practice" sessions, knowing you might have to leave suddenly and having an escape plan. If its stores, you might try talking with him beforehand, explaining how you would like him to act, and get him to engage with you about proper "store" behavior. Start out by just going in the front door, staying maybe 30 seconds, and walking back out. Or whatever you think is a good idea, increasing the time spent in the store, etc. If you use praise, give lots of praise for successes, etc. If you are okay with rewards or reinforcement, you might occasionally give him something on the way home for successfully being in the store (but don't promise him something ahead of time - e.g. "If you can be calm and walk next to Mommy in the store, you can buy a toy" because then he will expect something everytime - it needs to be a surprise).

Hang in there... it will get better, even if you decide to do nothing differently. These are only suggestions.


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## boomingranny (Dec 11, 2003)

what's to do? my dd goes through phases of tantrums and like the wise Dar said they're different at 2, 4, 6, etc. What can you really do? you can't control him, make him stop feeling those feelings. It's hardest when you're in the public eye of malevolent scrutiny. I know when I see moms in the street in this predicament I try and give them a mental "hang in there mom" vibe. Sometimes the tantrums can't be avoided. Stopping and just waiting it out is usually the least damaging. The hitting, btdt, the only way besides the constant removing the hands were consequences for hitting. For my dd it was removing things that were important to her and giving them a time out and beleive me it took a gazillion times before she had the self control and motivation to start using her words. Also some of us need to hit pillows and hop up and down to relase the anger..so redirecting is always an option. I know what it's like and it ain't pretty. Motherhood can be dern ugly sometimes. I like reading Annie Lamott's books for gut honest accounts of being a mother or reading "Brain child" magazine. I think a lot of us would not be so hard on ourselves if we were honest about what we go through raising our kids.

big hug...


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I was just going to start a thread about tantrums in public, asking what you do, and how did you feel, and how many people stared.

We just had our second one in the library. My son is two, and tantrums aren't _too_ bad, and not _too_ physical, but they are getting tougher, and more frequent. It used to be that I could immediately diffuse his frustrations by picking him up. Those were the days. I basically stood immobilized in the library because I couldn't carry him kicking _and_ carry my newborn in the carseat. Until the librarian who could barely carry the carseat offered to help carry baby to the car while I carried toddler, I was helpless. I usually stay calm in public during the worst, but I'm still stressed out. I don't really think there's much you can do either. I just tried to hold him and get to the car, where we could calm down. He doesn't hit me in tantrums usually, but he has a time or two while at home, and I know that can be pretty deflating pretty quickly. It just gets me so mad and even hurts my feelings, you know?

I think looking for a place, any place, where you can sit and maybe ride it out a little is helpful, if possible. My lovely library experience made me realize how important it is to nip it in the bud and head out, before it escalates. He was getting fussy and resistant to leaving, and so I put off leaving thinking I'd calm him down. But it just got worse. I should have left when he was hard to carry, before he became nearly impossible to carry. Easier said than done though, without a crystal ball.
It's hard.


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

i think one of the most frusterating things for me is the way that i feel in a situation like that. i can feel myself getting heated and anery and sometimes flipping out (setting a horrible examle of the behavior i want him to do)

i have delt with the hitting a lot too, and it was really hard for me. i found a lot of it had to do with his age, a lot of things they grow out of, some really bad times are just a phase they are in and in about three weeks, they'll be on to something else.

one way it was explained to me is like this, when children are learning to walk, it takes a long time, and they stumble A LOT on the way. everyday they stumble, many times. thier emotional development is the same way. they are stumbling emotionally. most of the time, in my situation, it was because they couldn't communicate their needs clearly. we need to understand and respond to thier emtional mishapps as we do thier physical falls

I agree that a lot has to do with preparation. we go to story time at the library, and for months ds would not sit down and listen to the stories, he'd run around and stuff, and we'd have to leave. finally i got the idea of talking to him before we went, and now every time in the car i ask him, do you remeber the rules at strory time? and he says, sitting quietly and listening to the stories, and he does fine. again, some months have passed, and he is a little older now too. (and sometimes et too excited and stands riht infront of the story teller!)

another thing i felt helpful is telling him "you are hitting me and i am getting anery, please stop"
if behavior persists, say very calmly " i do not like what you are doing, and i am going to count to three, and if i get to three, and you have not stopped, then you are going into time out."
if behvior perists, put in time out.
most of the time, i dont have to finish that last sentence, because he has stoped, and i can say, "thank you for listening."
i have found that giving that long explanation every time he is disobeying, instead of just saying,"one...two....three..." and then givin a time out, always gets a much better responce, always give an explanation.

then after time out i tell him it's okay to be anery, it's okay to talk about your angery feelings, and it's NOT okay to act angery (hit kick punch....) and then the usuall love and hugs. i also find it helpful to apologize when i talk/act angerly. it's great for them to see us admit our mistakes. it's good for us too.

if bad behavior really persists, then he (firsts gets a warning) then gets grounded from the tv for the rest of the day, and if really bad, no storie before bed.

remember, you love your child and you really are a wonderful mother, all mothers feel and react badly sometimes and learn from our mistakes

in God's love
sarah


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

when out in public i allways take them into the bathroom. it works great. there are less people, most of the time you are alone, and you can let them et it out, have a tim eout, and then jude whether to continue what you were doin or o home


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## zrhmom (Sep 21, 2005)

i feel your pain!! from the time my son was about 19 months untill just about 8 months ago-right before he turned four, i couldnt take him anywhere! if i did it was useless id never get anything done- we walked out leaving more full shopping carts than i even want to mention. not only that but it was terrifiying he could wiggle free of me and take off running every chance he got! and him in a cart or stroller, hed stand up, or hit pinch and bite me as i pushed! it was a freakin nightmare!! i couldnt go anywhere unless i had the backup support of my husband. but the good news is it passed, i guess it was a faze- a very long hard one- but still, a passing faze. i frequently put myself in time outs. and prayed that id have the strength to get through it. hes great now- like a night and day difference. he can even go in very bussie areas like the mall or walmart. theres no way he could have coped with that a year ago. its tough im sorry this is happening, i know its so embarassing, but worst of all to me is the looks- or even comments from the onlookers. once when dd was about 2 she lost it in the store, so we were leaving trying to get this flaling screaming kid buckled into her carset, as if its not bad enouph, some bi**h walks up to me and says rudly "she needs a good slap in the mouth!!" anyways i hope this passes soon for you, im living proof(and so is my son) that it will all end one day- you would never know it now if you looked at him he is so well behaved, i guess some kids just have a tougher time growing up. good luck- remember lots of mommy time outs!!


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Thanks Mamas

DS is 3 1/2 years old.
We were having lunch at a chinese restaurant.
I took him there directly from pickup from preschool (so, yes, now I am getting a break in the mornings) and we were dining with a close friend of his (4 years old) and her mother.

DS was probably very tired and hungry. He's getting over a cold. He's been typically eating lunch at 12:30 and napping by 1:30 all week, so it was against my better judgement to take him there. BUT he loves this little girl and sometimes the excitement of a good playdate can put off the need to sleep.

Anyway, what set him off: we have been on a food elimination diet and it has been very frustrating for both of us. At the restaurant, they have the little bowls of duck sauce and the noodle chips on every table - so, as he is eating them I realize that he is probably eating a lot of corn syrup and wheat (from soy sauce) and maybe even Red 40.

Anyway, my friend does not let her dd eat "junky food" and decided that it was time to take away the noodle crackers and duck sauce so she wouldn't ruin her appetite for healthy food. I agreed and explained to ds that since we were eating together it would be polite to respect this "no junky food" rule. Well, ds melted down when the duck sauce was taken away. I let him keep the noodle crackers bc the way he eats soup is by dipping crackers in it (rice crackers, usually) and his egg drop soup had just arrived. "But the soup is hot! I want the duck sauce!" he cries.

Against my better judgement (again) I decided to continue to respect the no duck sauce rule at the table. You know, if it was just me and him I would not have cared so much if he ate the whole bowl of sauce and noodle crackers (aside from the fact that they are probably filled with poison for his body) but I caved in to the pressure of removing them from the table.

Anyway, he was inconsolable. The main dishes arrived, but he was on the floor, screaming. I took him outside to try to calm him down, and explained that we could not stay (and would not be allowed to stay; in fact, we probably would be asked to leave) if he continued to scream and yell. I offered him a choice: we could stay and eat with his friends if he could calm down, or we could go home and nurse and take a nap. He opted to stay, and calmed down for the most part. He made his own condition: that he stand at the table instead of sit in a chair. OK.

We went back in. 10-20 seconds later, he notice the soy sauce bottle on the table. He wanted to pour it in his soup. I explained to him that that wasn't an option, and that it had wheat in it. He was relentless. I moved the bottle to another table. He started erupting again. There was no going back. I told him that we could not stay if he did not remain calm, and that if he could not calm down, I would have to ask to have our food wrapped up to go, pay the check, and then we would leave.

He did not calm down, so I did as much. He started to shriek and scream that he didn't want to go. As I was paying the bill, he bit me so hard on my arm that I now have a huge welt on it. I almost slapped him it hurt so much (I caught myself!).

I apologized to my friend and her dd, who was now sobbing bc we were leaving, and took ds out, kicking and screaming, with the horrified expressions of all the staff following us out.

He was beyond communicating with by now. It was not going to get better. From experience I knew that this could go on for 20-30 minutes more. I offered to nurse, but he couldn't hear me. At this age I can no longer calm him with nursing every time he is upset (he doesn't always want to).

So, I HAD to get him home ASAP bc it was only going to get worse. I carried him most of the way, but he is 45 lbs and very strong and was beating on me really hard. I swear one day one of his head butts will knock me out cold.

Once we got to our corner, I put him down and walked toward our building. I said I couldn't carry him if he was going to beat on me. He ran after me screaming and crying.

And, wouldn't you know it, I forgot my keys???








Luckily we have a doorman and spare keys, but I had to ask for them while ds continued with his rage.

We got upstairs, and I told him that we were going straight to bed bc he was acting like he needed a nap. He fell asleep in ten minutes, but when I tried to slip away, He woke back up and wanted to nurse the other side.

I said (and I'm not proud of this) that I was so angry about what had happened and wanted to know why I should nurse him if he was always trying to hurt me by hitting or biting etc. I said other mean things that I don't want to repeat here.

Then I told him that I was too upset to nurse right now, and that we would be having quiet time. I went to read the newspaper, and left him alone. He resisted at first, but in a little bit let me be and did his own thing for about half an hour (can you believe it!) - I guess the _half_ nursing session helped him a little bit. After this he kissed my boo boo (the bite welt) and asked if he could nurse the other side, then when he did, fell asleep for three hours.

oy.

He's an angel when he's not freaking out on me!

ETA: we don't use the term "time out" but do encourage ds to take time for himself if he needs it to calm down. We don't "punish" but will suggest consequences, like, if he hits me with a toy, the toy will go bye bye for the rest of the day.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Oy, food reaction tantrums are the WORST. Their is nothing you can do but keep the food AWAY. FWIW corn is the allergen that causes the most behaviour problems. My corn allergic ds would ram himself into walls, doors, and cupboards when having a tantrum. He gave me more than one black eye. He just really couldn't control himself. The difference when he had something he shouldn't and when we were ultra-careful was amazing. I had to physically restrain him to prevent him from hurting me or himself. We didn't leave the house after a while, it just wasn't worth it. After we figured out that was the problem life got so much easier.

Mothering is the most difficult job for sure. Keeping yourself rational and calm in these kinds of situations can be impossible at times. All you can do is your best at the time. I really hope you get it all figured out soon.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

I'm torn between being strict with the elimination diet and letting him have a little fun food once in a (rare) while.


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## MamaMonica (Sep 22, 2002)

The food thing is tough. Three and half is a tough age- and what you are going through with the food allergy tantrums is a step up from regular tantrums. Does he have any sensory issues?

My ds has sensory issues that are brought on by allergies (pet, pollen, mold and some foods in his case).

I always pack our own food. I slip up once in awhile- it's harder to fight the tantrum of not giving the food than giving it.

Could you try a really strict diet for a few weeks and see if that helps? You are a great mom. It is really hard some days.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

*hugs mama*
Three is so hard. THey are so smart and so big, and yet they sometimes feel like big kids and sometimes feel l ike babies in a big kid body.
I think whether or not you need to be strict with the elimination diet depends 100% on the reason for the elimination.
If you are trying to figure out what is causing a small patch of eczema but no other symptoms, the struggle for elimiation might be harder than not knowing for sure.
But if it is the food which cauess the behavior problems, total elimination will prevent more problems than flexibility.
I agree that for a 3 year old it simply doesnt feel fair to not be allowed to have duk sauce when he is always allowed to have duk sauce but now his friend cannot. That would be hard for any aged child, especially at naptime.

I think I would handle the tantrum in very much the same way you did. Get home as quickly as possible.
And I do not think it is harmful to say. "Mommy feels very angry at being hit and I cannot (nurse, cuddle, whatever) right now" You have to be true to your feelings too. And I find that pushing those feelings deeper and deeper and martyring yourself so your child doesnt feel your anger just makes it worse.
So telling him how you felt, and then giving both of you a chance to calm down, and then reconnecting seems very appropriate to me.

Many wishes for many calm happy days in your future.
Joline


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
I'm torn between being strict with the elimination diet and letting him have a little fun food once in a (rare) while.









Well, if you are already on an elimination diet, something has already told you that food is a problem. You may need to be really strict for a while, and find some "fun" food that fits the allergy criterea KWIM? There is nothing "fun" about the aftermath of eating foods that disagree with an allergic child that's for sure!!
I happen to be a highly allergic person myself, and what helps me is not to constantly think about what I can't have, I try to go out and explore and find all of the interesting things I can have and try to make it fun. ( ok, "fun" might be an exaggeration







).

Anyway, I know others have already said this, but as far as tantrums go, the best thing I could ever do was do everything in my power to avoid them happening in the first place. For instance, I wouldn't have gone on the lunch date right after pre-school- even though my son loved preschool, it was important for us to go straight home afterward- no exceptions. If I tried to push it, it always ended up in disasster. Sometimes I would be "fooled" by his cheerfullness and excitement right after school to think I could pull of a trip to the grocery store, or lunch out - always a mistake. Keeping him well fed, and well rested was the most important thing for the happiness of our family. His tantrums could hold our whole family hostage for an afternoon if I didn't manage the environment correctly. (He also has food allergies by the way).
I still even now (he's 7) have to be somewhat careful. You'd think by now I would know better- but I still forget.. like yesterday he came home from school (on the bus, which is really really rare, I work at his school and was out yesterday- so there's one overstimulation there) right after they got home, I had to load them in the car to drive them to their Dads house. He decided to go get his bike and scooter to take- threw a FIT because I wasn't helping him ( he never even asked, but he was "looking" for something to be upset about) THEN he started SCREEEEEAAAMING at his sister because she was "staring at him" (well, yeah, you're yelling at everyone for no reason!), I'm sitting there thinking to myself- jeez what is his deal? He gets in the car, starts arguing with his big sister, while intermittantly arguing with me about not helping him with the bike and scooter







Next thing I know- Poof! He's out like a light. The poor thing was exhausted. And all I could think to myself was "DUH!"
Anyway...the point in that whole ramble, was supposed to be that some kids just really have a low threshold for stimulation. That coulpled with food issues makes it an extra challenge. It is a drag, but if you sort of run your life around it, it makes it a lot more manageable. Yeah, you miss playdates, and maybe don't get as many errands done as you'd like etc... but to me it was worth it.


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## Jemper (May 2, 2003)

This article really helped me deal with tantrums SO much better!

http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr.../tantrums.html


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetbaby3*
I figured out that my kid just couldn't deal with the onslaught of energy in walmart, safeway, Walgreen's whatever.

I can relate to that!


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

That's a neat article. I hadn't thought of looking at tantrums that way before. I always felt that tantrums had a manipulative component to them, but after reading the article I think I was wrong.

Jemper, have you been using this technique, and if so, how has it changed tantrums (if it has)?


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## guest^ (Oct 29, 2002)

:























mp


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