# Does your 3 year old quietly hold your hand?



## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

or snatch away from you...when you are out and about in Public? If they snatch away from you what do you do?

DS won't hold my hand. He snatches away from me and says "NO Mommy!"

I don't know what to do when he does that other than pick him up and carry him...and even then he is wiggly and squirming to get out of my arms.

I was trying to go without the stroller. Should I put him back in the stroller when we are in public since he won't quietly take my hand?

I am trying to keep him safe.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

My 3.5 year old is kind of timid in some situations and will hold my hand or ask to be picked up. Especially if he sees a dog! Sometimes he does refuse to hold my hand, but that is generally not at a time when I need to keep him safe.

If I were you, I would use the stroller for the parts of the trip that feel risky to you, and let him out to run around where it's safe. A fold-up stroller that's light will help.


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## Jess A (May 26, 2006)

I have few non-negotiables in my parenting, but one of them is holding my hand when I feel it is necessary.

My children tend to comply when I ask them to hold my hand. I think they do so because I
--only require it when necessary and make sure they have non-hand holding time to walk on their own and explore
--have no qualms about picking them up and carrying them if they will not hold my hand or putting them in a stroller
--give them a "choice"--they can either hold my hand for the time I need them to or sit in the stroller. If they still won't cooperate, we will leave whereever we are, and they will have to be carried or put in the stroller on the way out (except DS, who is almost 7, but he hardly ever argues about hand holding . . . though there are only a few situations with him where I require it anymore)

I don't go through all these scenarios each time, but after years of the same thing, both kids are okay with hand holding. DD actually likes to hold my hand when we go out (unless she's with friends and too busy playing), and I treasure it. DS will barely hold our hands in the parking lot . . . he's way too cool at almost 7







.


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

he snatches away... every time. If we're in a parking lot or a dangerous place I will grab his arm or shoulder or whatever and remind him that he could be HIT AND KILLED DEAD GONE NEVER TO RETURN if he were to jolt in front of a car.


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## EmsMom (Dec 13, 2001)

Have you explained your reasoning to him? Sometimes little ones don't really realize what is dangerous. My little ones were never the type to run away impulsively so I had a bit of leeway here. In a parking lot, even before I would undo the carseat straps, I would explain that this was an extra busy parking lot, he is small and can't be seen by the driver, blah, blah, blah. I have found that with good reasons, my little ones were pretty reasonable about things like that. You could even show them things like run over cans, etc. so they are clear that cars are dangerous. After explaining things, it is great (if possible) to offer an alternative site where they can go without holding your hand (like a nearby park). "How about we go to the park tomorrow so you can run without me slowing you down?" type of thing?


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EmsMom* 
Have you explained your reasoning to him?

I do and so does DH. We have lots of talks with him, beforehand and we ask do you understand and he nods and says "Yes" and the minute we are out the car, he snatches away.

I guess the only good thing is he won't do this when DH is with us, only when he and I are alone. I am consistent...when he snatches away, I hold him tight to keep him safe but he is in my arms screaming like I am hurting him and strangers are looking at me like I am a bad Mom when I am really just trying to keep my baby safe









DS isn't being hurt, he is being kept safe. He just likes to dramatize to the world that he isn't getting his way with me and I am making his life miserable!


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

My current 3yo, yes.

Her big brother at the same age? Heck no!

Now that I have her, I understand why so many other mothers would look at me and DS and say, usually with a condescending tone, "Just tell him he has to hold your hand. Explain that its necessary."

Trust me, we tried. Really. He didn't want to hold hands, if I picked him up to carry him, he'd throw himself forward or backward and I'd wind up holding him under my arm like a football.

We were both raised by reasoning/rationalizing parents, so we *did* that. He would have none of it. I honestly don't think he truly grasped if:then as a logical construct until he was older. For us, at that point, what worked was using leading reins (a safety harness/leash) sometimes.

Actually, as I think if it, by 3 he was getting better. We used the harness as "backup" so that if he did refuse there was something there. But I was 5mos PG on his third birthday and slinging an infant for the other half of his third year...

How we used the harness was - "if you don't want to hold hands, you can wear your harness." We still tried to hold hands while the harness was on, and we NEVER used it to yank him around. What he liked about it was having both hands free -- DH and I are really tall and holding hands with us means us stooping AND him having to reach up high. Plus, he liked (still likes) to carry stuff -- sticks, pinecones, cars, toys -- and it left his hands free. We used the harness a lot during his second year, always treating it as *backup* and not as primary, and by the time he was 3 he was holding hands when we requested it - but then he regressed after his sister was born for awhile.

Every kid is different. His sister, when told, "Okay, we have to hold hands in the parking lot!" will willingly place her hand in mine and has done so from small-toddlerhood.


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## shanesmama (May 11, 2005)

In certain situations we do not compormise on hand holding and one of them is in a parking lot, near the street, etc. We do tell him that a car can hit him and he will get a boo boo and be gone forever. He does understand the boo boo part, but I think that is it. And we show him how he needs to look both ways, etc.

Every blue moon he will pull his little tantrum and I just pick him up w/ him whaling untill we get to a cart I can put him in.

Or if daddy is w/ us and he does't want to hold hands we play the game were he can hold both our hands and we lift him in the air. So his mind is off of it being a power struggle and now its a game.

But this is somethign I have always done so he knows I don't give in, so he usually is pretty good w/ my requests.

So if you have been giving in sometimes and now putting your foot down it might take him some time to relize that this is is no longer up for debate.


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## MyLittleWonders (Feb 16, 2004)

My "I'll-be-3-next-month" will still try to snatch his hand away, and I just tell him he can hold my hand or get picked up (or put in the stroller if that's an option). I only require hand-holding when we are crossing a street/walking through a parking lot, or if where we are becomes very crowded (like our farmer's market). And typically in those situations, each older boy just keeps a hand on the stroller itself, which is perfectly fine with us. Ds#2 is typically more willing to hold the stroller. Ds#1 (5 years old) will often hold my hand just because, which I find totally endearing and cute.


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## Stevie (Jun 20, 2004)

choice works most of the time. I try to remember to keep my mei tai handy for the melt downs, but if I can offer the choice between walking right next to me or holding my hand he often chooses to walk next to me, the whole time telling me that big boys don't have to hold hands because they walk near their moms and if I do that, the cars will see me and not run me over because you are tall and cars can see you and when I am bigger and bigger the cars will see me and then I won't have to walk right next to you.... by then we are often in the store or back home...

now today, He was unsafe on our walk and I gave him the choice between my holding his hand and he holding mine... he'd already tried to walk next to me and dashed twice. I hadn't brought the mei tai, so I ended up gripping his hand with him sobbing for a block and a half







: the good news was that I never got angry; just commiserated and mentioned that I was very sad that he was frustrated... we made it home and I was still his favorite person


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

yes mine does.

some other options would be a tether or stroller.

i am 100% consistant with this and am not scared to leave somewhere if she refuses to cooperate.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

he snatches away... every time. If we're in a parking lot or a dangerous place I will grab his arm or shoulder or whatever and remind him that he could be HIT AND KILLED DEAD GONE NEVER TO RETURN if he were to jolt in front of a car.
So, do you think it was the information provided or the fear in your voice? My three year olds have never understood this concept of killed dead at all. Am I the only one?


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Mine will try to wiggle his hand out of mine, it drives me bonkers! It's really difficult now that he's too big to carry and too big for the stroller. I use my most gentle Vulcan Death Grip on his forearm rather than his hand and try to get through things as quickly and safely as possible.


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## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

WANT TO READ LATER.....RIGHT NOW DS IS PUSHING KEYS SO i CAN'T READ....EXCUSE TYPOS


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## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

dD WENT THROUGH A STAGE OF NOT WANTING TO HOLD HANDS IN CROWDED PLACES. SHE WAS FINE WITH CROSSIN THE STREET. I EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS SCARY FOR ME TO NOT HAVE HER NEXT TO ME AND THAT I NEVER WANT MY BABY TO GET HURT. NOW AT 3 1/2 SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO HOLD MY HAND.SHE REACHES FOR MY HAND BEFORE I CAN REACH FOR HER.I'VE NOTICED HERE THAT ALOT OF BOYS ARE LESS LIKELY TO HOLD HANDS.I IMAGINE THAT CHILDREN ARE WANTING TO BE INDEPENDANT AND NOT HOLDING HANDS IS MORE FREEING? JUST A THOUGHT.IT DEFINATELY HELPED EXPLAINING THAT MOMMY AND DADDY NEED DD TO ALWAYS BE IN OUR SIGHT SO WE WOULDN'T BE SCARED. AT TWO SHE WANTED TO RUN AWAY FROM US AT THE MALL OR FARMERS MKTS, BUT WE TOLD HER IT WAS TOO SCARY TO NOT HAVE HER IN OUR SIGHT.


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## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

Most of the time she'll hold my hand, because she knows that it means she's allowed to walk. Sometimes I'll allow her to walk without holding my hand, if we are in an empty corridor of a mall or building, for example. But I explain to her why I'm allowing her to walk by herself, so she'll learn the difference.

During the times she's having a "three year old moment" and refuses to hold my hand in a busy/dangerous area, I give her two choices. She can hold my hand and walk, or be carried (or go in the double jogger if we have it with us). Usually, offering a choice is enough to snap her out of the moment, and make her realize that she still has some control over the situation.


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## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

Quote:

My three year olds have never understood this concept of killed dead at all. Am I the only one?
My daughter doesn't get that, either (although admittedly, we haven't done much to explain the details of death to her). She does, however, understand the danger of cars and large vehicles, and she knows that they could hurt her. When we approach a road or parking lot, it's not unusual for her to say "Mommy, please carry me so the cars can't bonk me down."


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## Rox5266 (Nov 26, 2004)

My ds tries to pull his hand away, I have to insist a lot these days. If he does not comply, I pick him up (while he is kicking and screaming) and dump him in the stroller. He cannot be reasoned with, and definitely would not understand
that he could be injured if he runs into the street. My dh tries to tell him he has to hold our hands and that it is dangerous to cross the street alone, but because he does not have conversation yet, we can't get very far with him.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

Mine doesn't quietly hold hands...she talks and talks and talks while holding my hand...


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

My dd mostly holds my hand because that is what we have always done, but sometimes she wants to walk herself and be more independent and in some places I will let her if she stays right next to me. There are also some times when there isn't a choice and when that is the case I tell her I am not offering a choice because it is to crowded/dangerous/too much breakable stuff/etc... and she needs to hold my hand. She is pretty good about it for the most part and I am offering more time to walk next to me now that her impulse control is getting a little better.


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## sweetpeas (May 12, 2004)

Now my girls (3 1/2) do really well with "choices". The choices depend on the situation. Sometimes it's a choice of hold my hand or be carried. Sometimes it's a choice of hold my hand or walk RIGHT beside me. Lately they've had a thing where they'd rather have me hold their hair than their hands, I'm sure other people think I'm horrible to be "dragging my kids by their hair" but they're happy as clams & generally stay close enough that it doesn't pull LOL, so . . . whatever works.

BUT before they got the point of getting the "choices" thing (incidentally getting them to hold my hand when absolutely necessary became much easier once I started letting them NOT hold hands when it wasn't necessary, having that independence helped them be willing to hold hands when it was an actual safety issue), I used the "harness" things. I'd hook the end I'm supposed to hold to my beltloop & the rule was still that they hold my hand (to help them learn to hold my hand) but the harness was a safety measure so if they did pull their hand away they couldn't actually run away from me in a parking lot.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

: <--------my initial response to the thread title. I laugh not at you, but because my kid is about 180 degrees from that. He WILL NOT hold my hand. Period. At all. Well, let me make one exception...he'll hold my hand to walk up/down stairs or high rocks, etc.. That's it.

He must either be carried in the sling/ergo/backpack or pushed in a stroller or ride in a shopping cart (if he's willing). Because of his autism, he's a runner and he either wants to stim on stuff like shelves or fences or cars in the parking lot, or just wants to run away willy-nilly, then tantrums like MAD when you pick him up or try to redirect him.

He's getting awfully heavy, though, and we're having to look at the idea of getting a harness. Not my favorite idea in the world, but oh well.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

I never had a child "snatch away from me"...so, not sure how or what to do differently.
They have always held my hands.
For parking lots, alleys, streets, etc. I let my children know that cars cannot hear nor see them and that they need to always watch and listen for vehicles. They must also always hold an adults hand when near vehicles or bodies of water. Same thing, water cannot hear nor see them.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
or snatch away from you...when you are out and about in Public?

Most of the time they were cool with it. (They are big now) Sometimes not so much.









Quote:

If they snatch away from you what do you do?
 It depended on the moment, our moods, the environment, etc. If we were in the parking lot at the park and they broke away to get to the park fast I might say "Oh you are excited. We should watch for cars while we hurry there together." Sometimes that was fine. Strollers worked great for some occasions if they were game. Playing a game sometimes helped. "Can we sing a song while we hold hands?" Mostly we just talked a lot (esp right before going out) about how I can help keep them safe and that hand holding can help them be safe.

Quote:

I am trying to keep him safe.
 I hear ya. Keep thinking and working on different ways to have you both feel good about it.


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## northcountrymamma (Feb 24, 2006)

dd will MOSTLY hold my hand without question...
We talk about this stuff long before the situation comes up...like if she is holding my hand while we are walking across the street. I praise the situation and tell her that it's good we are holding hands because that car just came fast down that street. We start dialoges about what would have happened if she was on the road and didn't see the car coming fast or if the car didn't see her. I don't think killed dead would make sense to her...but HURT does.

When she resists...i STOP dead, give her the choice...either hold my hand because i feel that it is safe right now, or I will pick you up until the situation is safer. She chooses both choices at different times.

ITA with pp that time without hand holding is sooooo crucial. Life would be boring walking adult footsteps all the time...they need time to do things that our paths would never cross!


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