# 4 1/2 year old - tantrums



## HipGal (Aug 16, 2006)

cross-posted from "childhood years"

My ds never really had tantrums at age 2, had a harder time at age 3, and was pretty calm around 4. Suddenly at 4.5, he is flipping out! He can scream, cry, hit, throw things, etc. for like an hour at a time. I don't know if this is typical for this age or is it abnormal?

I've been reading "the Explosive Child" and I think it is helping. But there are still some tantrums we can not avoid. He gets really upset when things aren't going the way he expected them to. We don't always know what he is expecting, so we can't always head off the tantrums by talking about the issue.

I guess I'm asking is this something that will pass and we can make our way through it or should I be looking for something bigger going on?

(and update)

Bumping for more

Tonight dh was reading to ds while I put dd down to bed. I had previously said I would put ds to bed as well. I came in and ds asked for more books. We talked about it "The Explosive Child" style: He shared his concern that he wanted more books. I shared mine that it was late and he needed rest. We compromised on two short books. But after those two short books, he wanted "just one more". (He will continually ask for one more and not be satisfied). I tried to talk about him about how we agreed and how he needs his rest, etc. He started screaming/banging the walls/saying "I don't love you" and all that fun stuff. He asked for daddy (thinking daddy would read more books I think) and they have been in his room while he screams and hits for the last 20 minutes.

This morning he had a tantrum because the fort that he and dh had built last night was not EXACTLY like it was before. Dh tried to rebuild it 3 times and it was never "right". So he screamed and hit and carried on for over an hour. Dh and I both stay very calm throughout these tantrums, but I don't know how much longer we can do that!

I just don't know what to do! It doesn't seem normal to me for a 4 1/2 year old. But I can't figure out what is going on.


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## Max'sMama (Apr 3, 2004)

I don't know what to say, but I, too, have a 4.5 year old. What I do may not be AS GD as others, but it is gentle. When my child starts to throw those fits, I take the advice another friend gave to me, I tell my child he can make the choice to act this way then he will spend the time he acts out in his room.

He has the CHOICE to behave appropriately with people and when he chooses inappropriate behavior (ie tantrums) he will not be allowed to be social.

His room is the same whether he is playing in there happily or there due to poor choices. The same books, toys, activities, etc.

I help him to his room if he is unwilling to go on his own. He has no set time to be there, but must remain while his attitude persists. It has helped to curb the tantrums and the misbehavior.

For compromising; in the event of the two more books, I read two more then have a "good-night" routine that I start immediately. He can argue and plead but we compromised on two books and I have held my end of the bargain and I expect him to hold his end. The consistency part of the equation makes this difficult but it has worked quite well in our home.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

my dd1 is 3... but her tantrums lately are as you described.

We mostly let it run its course saying, "are you feeling sad? mad? frustrated? do you want to hug? do you want to scream? its okay to want to yell. Maybe you should yell in your room"

they are BAD. they shock me. she was sooooo calm her whole life.

I do notice that it happens more when she doesnt get as much one on one attention with me as she is used to.








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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter still had tantrums at 4.5. She still has them occasionally at 6. But now, only when she's tired or something anyway.

Kids need to learn the concept of futility - that no matter how much we want something, and no matter how much our parents help us with it, sometimes things just aren't going to happen how we want. Eventually, the stories have to end and he has to go to sleep, even if he wants to hear stories all night. And it's often impossible to exactly rebuild something, even if he really really wants it the same. It's very frustrating, but eventually you learn that it's just the way things are and there's no getting around it. He will learn, but it takes different children different amounts of time.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I agree with others in the concept of disengaging & letting them run through it without your continual interference. If that means moving to their room or you just backing away from where they are & giving them the space to work through it.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

4.5yo tantrums are WAY normal. check out "your four year old" by louise bates. some folks are put off by some of her "discipline" suggestions but it didn't bother me. i'm a big "skimmer" anyway and it was worth it for all the child development info. i really wish i'd read that book on his 4th bday! it totally relieved my fears that my kid was going to be a degenerate delinquent by age 9.







"explosive child" went further and gave some great techinque but, as he says, it's not going to work immediately. honestly, as soon as i realized he was "okay" i pretty much just eased up on him (and myself). i guess other people would think i "let him get away with" a lot but i see it as picking my battles because i know what sets him off and what doesn't.

oh!! and there's a light at the end of the tunnel! towards the end of "your four year old" she says how there's an almost magical turnaround at age 5, where they start being the sweet, darling angels we know they *can* be. let me just say that, despite thinking "that ain't gonna be the case with *my* high needs, high activity kid", i have been very pleasantly surprised!


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