# Shyness/low self esteem



## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Dd is an advanced 10 yo. She is shy when she is outside and lacks in confidence. At home she is the exact opposite. I was the same as a child - not my entire childhood, but at some point it happened. She is not able to deal with bullying and is a very sensitive child.


I want her to learn confidence (which I didn't have and sometimes even now I suffer from and I know she could be taking it from me. However, I don't show her my lack of confidence as much as I can help it.)


Given the situation, I am not sure how to help her get over her shyness and low self esteem?


I had put her in a theater class 2 years ago. She would be agreeable then and went, but before the final days of the play was very nervous. she was the youngest in that group too. After the performance she never went back.


Her dad doesn't have any of my issues; is very social. When we lived in an apartment complex, I'd know he is back because he'd be outside talking to a neighbor so loud that all the apartments could hear him.


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

It's very hard to push someone out of shyness and lack of confidence. I can think of one ex. where I was able to overcome my fears at a job where they asked me to do some public tours. I was terrified to do them, I'm an introvert who likes to keep to myself, I don't like being the centre of attention or tooting my own horn. Well I just had to do it because it was my job, do the job or not be employed. Once I did a few I wasn't so scared. Same with driving, I'm a terribly terribly nervous driver, I used to break out into a sweat just thinking about possibly having to drive. I've been forcing myself over and over to try to do it and my friend has been letting me drive her car. I can now safely drive without passing out in a panic attack. Changing a pattern of behaviour is one part internal desire and one part external support sometimes.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

mumto1 said:


> It's very hard to push someone out of shyness and lack of confidence. I can think of one ex. where I was able to overcome my fears at a job where they asked me to do some public tours. I was terrified to do them, I'm an introvert who likes to keep to myself, I don't like being the centre of attention or tooting my own horn. Well I just had to do it because it was my job, do the job or not be employed. Once I did a few I wasn't so scared. Same with driving, I'm a terribly terribly nervous driver, I used to break out into a sweat just thinking about possibly having to drive. I've been forcing myself over and over to try to do it and my friend has been letting me drive her car. I can now safely drive without passing out in a panic attack. Changing a pattern of behaviour is one part internal desire and one part external support sometimes.


I have sometimes brought up the topic, but yesterday after posting here, I read online, that it should not be brought to the child's attention. After all it's part of her personality and maybe she'll outgrow it and become more like her dad.

Unfortunately, socially, many things just didn't go in dd's favor. The first place where we lived, where she was born, was on a busy street with no backyard, just some space in the front (when I think about it now, I wonder how I allowed her to play there.) There were 3 girls in the neighborhood with whom she played but because of the inconvenience it was only some summer days. She had asthma, which meant that Fall and Spring were out as well. The second place where we lived, the apartment complex sent a notice just before our first summer there that no kids will be allowed to play in the lawn area. Up until then, kids had always played there. That means we were back in the parks and playing with strangers and different ones each time. Still, I'd take her to parks. However, the summer months are so few, and most of the year, she's used to staying indoors. Now we are in a different area and have moved here recently and don't know anyone. At this age, it's not easy for her to make new friends, especially, because she's not had many friends near our residences.

About us, we sure have some things in common!  Are you able to drive on the highway/freeway?

When I was a new immigrant, I walked to many places. I stood for buses for hours in the snow etc. But, I had to push myself to learn. Back where I come from I absolutely did not need to know how to drive. There are some drivers I know who learned after me and are far better than me. More than 20 years ago I was a passenger in a car that had met with a fatal accident. Since, I've had difficulty. I still can't do highways independently and that badly handicaps me. But I am very grateful, I do local driving.


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

There are probably a few reasons why I'm a nervous driver, one is that my mom is, another that I never had a casual intro to it, another is that I have poor depth perception plus I'm probably ADD. Sounds like your daughter may possibly be trying to deal with being "different" re. the asthma issue. My son hasn't been great with social stuff either and we keep reassuring him as he gets older people will be less shallow/they will find their group.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

mumto1 said:


> There are probably a few reasons why I'm a nervous driver, one is that my mom is, another that I never had a casual intro to it, another is that I have poor depth perception plus I'm probably ADD. Sounds like your daughter may possibly be trying to deal with being "different" re. the asthma issue. My son hasn't been great with social stuff either and we keep reassuring him as he gets older people will be less shallow/they will find their group.


Not just because of the asthma. She also has severe nut allergies. She is in gifted and talented. She is excellent in Math. I think a lot of the kids can't relate to her?? Not sure. From what she says, that's the feeling I get. She says they look at her weird. Her Gifted teachers said that that was before. Now being a nerd is looked up to. Oh well.... I have found a group I could put her in to help her with her issues. Let's hope it works for her.

Just curious, didn't you need to drive? I needed it. I couldn't have survived without it. Everything is so far, there aren't proper pedestrian walk ways etc.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

I would encourage extracurriculars and playdates (probably can?t call them playdates at this age - maybe ?hanging out?).
I have one introvert kid and one extrovert.
I noticed with my kids that personality is not the same as nervousness in difficult situation. My introvert kid is happy having just one or two friends (always the same), but is not overly nervous talking in front of people, performing in front of 100+ people audience or leading a project.
My extrovert kid who strikes conversations with random kids and adults, invites herself to other people?s houses and events, is pretty nervous when she has to perform in front of people.
So after much trial and error I learned to be ok with my introvert kid reading in his room for hours, and to constantly look for opportunities to socialize for my extrovert kid (including by knocking on neighbors? doors to introduce ourselves).
I would say, if your dd is introvert and prefers being by herself I wouldn?t push her too much, other than finding a friend (or two) that she can socialize with. I think this is important. Humans are social beings and it?s good for our health to be with other people). Are there girls her age on the street? What about girls who take the same school bus as her? I would go knock at their door and invite their kid over. In my experience, the other parents were as desperate as me to get their kids out of their hair and socialize with their peers.
If your dd is more extrovert, craves social situations but is afraid or nervous, I would place her more in such situations. For us, it was recitals and team sports. It was a struggle worth fighting; dd is the life of the party at team events and now loves to perform. 
You know your kid best. I would avoid labeling though, as this will can become self fulfilling. You can reframe being shy as being selective in her choices ?


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## Lilly08 (Jul 18, 2017)

Hi.. As a shy and introvert myself I struggled when I was a child. My siblings are all extroverts.
My mother couldn't understand me. I guess that because she belongs to another generation. 
What it worked to me was attending activities that fulfilled and improved my skills. Things which I loved. In my case, I joined a Painting children workshop. Also doing a sport is good to make friends. It builds confidence too. If your daughter is good in Math, she could join a Math group, for example.
I agree with you that it is not a good idea to point to her out about her shyness. That will make her self conscious while she is still developing.
Good luck and keep us posted


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

This is just my personal opinion, but you can't make friends for another person. Doing so can backfire horribly. I agree that it can be good to get out and do stuff that is just a little outside your comfort zone to gain confidence. I haven't HAD to drive but yes, there've been times it's been frustrating not to.


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## lauranangle (Nov 3, 2017)

I would agree that you should't force your daughter into making friends of your choice. It will only backfire and she will only be less willing to make friends. 

Once she finds a friend or two she will probably like to enjoy their company a lot. Don't worry that she might not have a lot friends. She just might want a few friends she can really trust.

If she is good at maths then a maths or science club may be beneficial to her. If you think she might be introverted then I would suggest that you read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain. It's an excellent book about being an introvert in today's society and could give you some pointers of how to interact with her.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

I too would like to suggest caution in equating introversion with shyness, lack of confidence or lack of self-esteem. Society values extroversion, and tends to look upon introversion as a deficit in social skills rather than a matter of social preference. If a child gets lots of messages that their introversion is a problem that needs fixing, that can actually _create_ problems with self-esteem. But it doesn't need to be so.

Three of my (now-grown) kids are very introverted and perfectionistic. We always talked about introversion vs. extroversion as being a question of where you get your energy back when you are drained: from being with others (extrovert) or from being with yourself (introversion). We also related it to social appetites: "You like chocolate cake just as much as daddy does, but if you ate as much as he can you'd feel sick. And you like Alex just as much as she likes you, but if you hung out as much as she'd like to, you would feel overwhelmed. She has a bigger appetite for hanging out."

My kids are very comfortable with who they are and have no sense of being socially deficient simply because they don't like to be the centre of attention in group social situations. They are gracious and friendly with all the necessary social approach skills, though I admit my older two did learn these somewhat more slowly than some kids do. But the most important thing is that they have always had a strong belief in themselves, as they know that they are smart and competent and able to accomplish almost anything they set their minds to. When they are applying themselves to challenges they much prefer to work alone because for them social situations are distracting rather than energizing.

To me poor self-esteem means not believing in your value as a human being, questioning why anyone would like you or love you, pushing your loved ones away because it would hurt too much when they reject you which they inevitably will because you are not loveable. To me lack of confidence means having low expectations for yourself, having no ability to take on challenges even of the sort that interest you, giving up or collapsing with 'I can't' at the first sign of difficulty. If that's not the picture you're seeing at home, you are probably just dealing with an introvert.

Teach her to understand how she is wired and that it is perfectly fine to be that way. Talk to her about different social appetites. Help her understand that large groups tend to drain her energy while quiet time replenishes it, and talk about how to use that knowledge to better manage how she copes. Give her ways to express these preferences, eg. "I'm the sort of person that likes to work hard in the background" or "That's okay, I learn really well by watching so I'd rather not take a turn for now" or "I enjoy small groups more than large ones, so that activity really isn't my style." When the world is crazy, when people are doing and saying stupid hurtful things, teach her to detach herself emotionally to find the calm space within herself by reminding herself that those things will pass, and they can't change who she is and what she knows is right and good.

Hope this helps!

Miranda


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

mumto1 said:


> This is just my personal opinion, but you can't make friends for another person. Doing so can backfire horribly. I agree that it can be good to get out and do stuff that is just a little outside your comfort zone to gain confidence. I haven't HAD to drive but yes, there've been times it's been frustrating not to.


I think I didn't explain the group. The school sent information on a group for kids that lack in confidence, social skills. I signed up for it, but never heard back. I guess not many kids were interested. Dd was also quite upset because she didn't anyone to find out she will be in that group.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

moominmamma said:


> I too would like to suggest caution in equating introversion with shyness, lack of confidence or lack of self-esteem. Society values extroversion, and tends to look upon introversion as a deficit in social skills rather than a matter of social preference. If a child gets lots of messages that their introversion is a problem that needs fixing, that can actually _create_ problems with self-esteem. But it doesn't need to be so.
> 
> Three of my (now-grown) kids are very introverted and perfectionistic. We always talked about introversion vs. extroversion as being a question of where you get your energy back when you are drained: from being with others (extrovert) or from being with yourself (introversion). We also related it to social appetites: "You like chocolate cake just as much as daddy does, but if you ate as much as he can you'd feel sick. And you like Alex just as much as she likes you, but if you hung out as much as she'd like to, you would feel overwhelmed. She has a bigger appetite for hanging out."
> 
> ...


Thanks for your post. Your lack of confidence description describes how she is. Gives up easily.

However, since my last post (I can't believe I just couldn't get back. Have been so crazy busy.) I took her out to a school friend's place she wanted to go to. Their friendship has grown since and she has also made a couple of other friends and I believe this bunch plays together in the recess everyday. I know of 4-5 names who she mentions from time to time. So, it's going well at school.

I prefer not to do an exercise telling her how she is (how she is wired) because she holds on to things and they never go away from her head. So, I'd let her evolve. She may go from someone who likes being an introvert to someone who likes the limelight. What I do do, is tell her to not do any negative things, like make a face, say a mean comment, hurt someone's feelings, that sort of thing if she wants them to be her friend. She didn't have a proper concept of how to maintain friendships or how to nurture them, really.


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