# my neighbor's teenager smoking... what to do?



## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

as salaam alaykum

earlier today, i saw the teenage (maybe 15ish?) daughter of one of my neighbor's kids smoking... her mother is a nice lady, and we are friendly with each other (we stop and chat outside when we run into each other, but that's about it). i have had issues with this woman's daughter before... she has the LOUDEST mouth and her language is FOUL (i wouldn't care if she didn't do it right in front of my three little kids)... i never complained to the mother about that... but should i tell her i saw her kid smoking?

i usually wouldn't say *anything* to anyone about their kids... but with smoking, i think if it was my kid, i would want to know (since it is a health issue, and there is the potential of addiction). i just watched my sister go through hell to quit smoking, and she had started at around this girl's age.

i don't know... what should i do?

thanks mamas!


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I think you should bring it up to the momma...say it just like you did to us just here. It doesn't sound threatening or like you're telling her what to do about it, just letting her know.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveMyLittles*
i usually wouldn't say *anything* to anyone about their kids... but with smoking, i think if it was my kid, i would want to know


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Being a nosey-neighbor in this case doesn't seem like a good idea. If the daughter is smoking, telling her mom is only going to anger the daughter & possibly make the mom feel like she has to have neighbors telling her about her kid's lives, therefore upsetting her as well... I'd leave it to the girl's parents. They'll smell the smoke, heck my mom ( a non-smoker) even lit up with me a few times when I was a teen, she was just trying to help me open up to her on my level at that age - it worked, I don't smoke anymore, but we do talk openly about most things. My teen smoking habit did little harm but I'd have been really disturbed if some neighbor had run to my mom to tattle on me... that's how it would feel from a teen's perspective.

Also, there's really no way of knowing what goes on BEHIND the walls of a neighbor's home. Maybe the kid is a rebel, but maybe the parents aren't too great either, yk?

I'd leave it up to the family. jmho


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## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

Quote:

Being a nosey-neighbor in this case doesn't seem like a good idea.
see, that's the thing... i am SO NOT a nosey person. i avoid conflict like the plague too. but i just happen to be home all day long with my kids, while this girl's parents are working. when i saw her today, i looked because i saw a few people standing by my car (which is currently not inspected, and we're being threatened with having it towed by the management at my complex)... thankfully, it wasn't about to get towed, but there she was.

asking everyone i know what to do...







:


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I certainly hope that my neighbors would tell me. Maybe you could just ask her if she'd want to know if you saw her daughter doing something that she probably wouldn't approve of. then go from there.

-Heather


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## Simply Nurtured (Nov 6, 2004)

Normally, I am a HUGE "mind your own business" person.

HOWEVER, my FIL died this past fall after battling cancer and emphysema.

And my kids will never touch cigarettes after seeing that...

But if I was the mama in question, and my kid was smoking, I would want to know.

Maybe she won't appreciate knowing, I can't answer for someone else. But I would.

If you say it in that vein, that "I happened to see this, and normally I mind my own business, but if it was my child, I would want to know about this..."

Hopefully, she will accept it in the spirit in which you are offering...

Wanda


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

Definitely say something. People who don't want you to know they're smoking are REALLY good at hiding it. I would want to know if it were my daughter.

ETA: the teenager is not going to be happy. My feeling is: OH WELL. She is not going to be happy when she gets lung cancer, either.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I smoked for 11 years, started at 12. Cancer and emphysema didn't scare me into not smoking. My grandfather had emphysema. In part it was it wouldn't happen to me attitude. Also not everyone gets lung cancer from smoking.

I do not my tell kids and say don't smoke because it gives you cancer. My mil has smoked 60 plus years and is healthy as an OX. My kids see three great- grand-adults that have never smoked and did not age as gracefully as my mil. I do mention it increases the potential but it is not an immediate or absolute connection

My mom smoked, she knew when I started for two reasons 1. I smelled. Perfume doesn't cover it that well. 2. I was stilling her cigarettes.

If either of the parents smoke butt out of it. I know many smoker parents that buy their children cigarettes.


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

If the parents are non-smokers they will know that the daughter is smoking. I probably wouldn't say anything. I think it is highly likely that they already know. Was she smoking in the yard or did you run into her somewhere else. I would think that if she was smoking around the house in plain sight of a neighbor she isn't too concerned about her parents finding out.


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I can say that if a neighbor saw my dd doing something harmful to herself and told me about it, I'd be very grateful.


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## Noisette's_Maman (May 22, 2004)

What do folks think about the idea of approaching the teen first?

The general consensus is usually that teens do things like smoking to feel more grown up...so what about going to her to say you're concerned about her smoking because it's dangerous (and expensive) and a habit many people regret starting. That's what we might respectfully say to another adult we care about.

I wouldn't ignore the fact that she's not grown up...I guess I might ask if her parents know she smokes and tell her that you would want to know if one of your children was doing this so that you could help them to avoid it. I would say that I feel obligated to speak to her parents if she doesn't tell them soon.

And I would be prepared to have the kid hate me for being nosy...and possibly the parents too. But I would feel that at least you tried to acknowledge that she's not a little girl anymore but a young woman who can make choices for her own life, responsible or not.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Noisette's_Maman*
What do folks think about the idea of approaching the teen first?

The general consensus is usually that teens do things like smoking to feel more grown up...so what about going to her to say you're concerned about her smoking because it's dangerous (and expensive) and a habit many people regret starting. That's what we might respectfully say to another adult we care about.

I wouldn't ignore the fact that she's not grown up...I guess I might ask if her parents know she smokes and tell her that you would want to know if one of your children was doing this so that you could help them to avoid it. I would say that I feel obligated to speak to her parents if she doesn't tell them soon.

And I would be prepared to have the kid hate me for being nosy...and possibly the parents too. But I would feel that at least you tried to acknowledge that she's not a little girl anymore but a young woman who can make choices for her own life, responsible or not.


I agree w/ this.

Just wanted to add that the parents don't necessarily know. When I was a teen I smoked *in the house* and my mom (who is 100% anti-smoking non-smoker) never knew. She did notice that I burned a lot of incense downstairs but it never occurred to her to put 2 and 2 together.







Denial, like they say, is not just a river in Egypt.


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

I agree that maybe talking to the teen might be a good idea, but I still stand by what I said earlier. If someone saw my dd doing something harmful to herself, I'd want to know. In fact, I'd be angry if a neighbor (or any other adult) knew and didn't tell me.

I smoked when I was a kid, started at age 12, and for me it wasn't about being grown up, it was more about being like the rest of the kids. If my parents had known (or maybe opened their eyes a bit) and stopped me from hanging out with the crowd I was with, I might not have done alot of other things that were alot worse than smoking. Denial is horrible, but you can't deny something when a neighbor says that they saw your child smoking with his/her own eyes. Somebody would have done me a huge favor by telling my parents what I was doing. Instead, my neighbors all looked the other way.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I'd want to know, and I might tell, I'm not sure.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I wouldn't say anything.


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## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

Is it possible that she already knows? I think it is hard to hide that you are smoking from someone in your family. I tried smoking years ago, it lasted a week, and in that time, every item of clothing I owned reeked. My hair also smelled like cigarrettes, and in my week of smoking I only smoked 1 pack. I think it is pretty easy to smell smoke on other people, especially if they live under the same roof.
(my dh quit smoking ciggs before I got pregnant, but smokes 1 cigar a day outside...I think it's an improvement







, but I can smell it on his jacket when he comes in, even if he smoked hours ago.


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

I smoked when I was 13 or 14 and I did everything I possibly could to hide it. I actually got away with it.

But when I took my mom's car out for a ride one day and my neighbor saw me driving, he told my parents. I got soooooooo busted. I hated that neighbor for a long time. But I also never took the car again...

I think I'd probably tell. If someone had told my parents that I was smoking, I never would have struggled with it for so many years. I smoked on and off for over 11 years. I watched my grandfather die of emphysema and lung cancer, I still continued to smoke for another 5 years after that.

Yes, I would tell. So she wouldn't have to struggle like so many of us do.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I have three teenage sons.
One of them does smoke. How do I know? He smells of cigs when he comes home and I have found butts in the laundry. I asked the other two boys and they confirmed his smoking. So, I confronted him about it. I simply asked if he had been smoking. I didn't make it a huge issue, even though inside I wanted to. He was honest with me and told me he has been smoking for about a year....







:

So, I share this because....even though I have shared with him passionatly my feeling around smoking and all the cons to smoking....he is 17. He is going to make his own choices. Regardless of what I "think". I have laid down the law about smoking and he has continued to smoke, but has been respectful to us, his parents and his brothers. He isn't allowed to bring them home, to smoke on our property or in the cars. he has lived up to these expections thus far.

All I can say is choose your battles carefully.
Maybe the next time you see the neighbor, say something along the lines of "Teens can be really hards sometimes, can they? How are things going with your daughter." Try approaching it in a more empathic way. kwim?
She may already know her daughter is smoking...ya just never know.

I hear ya though about not wanting to be a noisy neighbor...and about the exposure to your own little ones....

Anxious to hear how it turns out.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveMyLittles*
see, that's the thing... i am SO NOT a nosey person. i avoid conflict like the plague too.

asking everyone i know what to do...







:

If what I posted upset you LML, sorry, was only giving you a teen's perspective & the possibly innaccurately-assumed *good* (non-smoking) that could come of you approaching the parents, b'c I think it might have the exact opposite that you intend - that's how teens are, yk, annoyong & frustrating as it is.
If I were in your shoes, I'd let the girl view her struggles & long-term problems of smoking by confronting her directly (& on her level - cool, but informative conversation with her, not her mom) or by letting her parents handle the problem. The reason I wrote a responseat all was to bring up the facts that maybe the parents smoke, maybe they already know, maybe they don't see it as a big deal right now, maybe they're sucky parents & telling them would do more harm thatn good??... who knows... but smoking IS very hard to mask.
If her parents are in-tune, they'll notice the smell (everywhere)... & sadly, if they're not in-tune... telling on her to them may only drive a deeper wedge between her & her parents. Dunno, just giving a perspective. In the end, you know you'll do what you feel is right... best luck on whatever you decide to do









Did you approach anyone yet, I'm curious to know how it went & broaden my own perspectives...


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I would not tell, and I would be annoyed if someone told me.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

had to add:

Thinking deeper on OP... what's the reason behind your neighbor kid's smoking? - she's naturally a rebelious girl/woman (unsure) right now & maybe she has some other very real stressors happening in her life. I guess the heart of my post was coming from there. Being treated like a TEEN KID is the worst thing that she's facing daily right now. No one takes teens seriously b'c they're just kids, but in reality they have many adult situations, physical-emotional-psychological-physiological. I think the best way to actually resolve the problem of a teen's smoking (in general) is at it's base, to get real with the kid herself, yk?... find out more about her life, what's she going thru? what are her aspirations? You obviously care about her in some way or else you wouldn't be thinking of her or what she's up to, so maybe just go with it, yk? Maybe talk more than small-talk with the mom as well.

Kids (esp. teens) get treated as non-thinking beings enough, maybe try to find the source of her stress, become an influence... maybe it's her typical teen rebellion, maybe she doesn't know the real facts(smoking) or has ever heard anyone's real, personal experiences with death or severe illness due to smoking, maybe one of the parents or grandparents smoke & the family talks of smoking lightly? It's that we don't know the family...
When reading the OP it seems that you care about this teen & want to help... & telling her mother seems like the best thing b'c you yourself are probably a great mother. But (my hesitation came within the realization that) not all moms are from your knowledge level & compassion. Sorry again if my first post offended, I meant "nosey-neighbor" more as a simple role we sometimes play, not accusingly at all.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I vote you should totally rat her out.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
I vote you should totally rat her out.


:LOL awww, kama, were *you* the "good girl" at all those parties??


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

I think this is a tough one. I've been a smoker for way more years than I'd like to admit and one of my daughters now smokes. Yes its a stinky terrible nasty ugly habit, but it is also extremely addictive and very hard to quit. I think once kids start and are hooked theres not much more you can do other than providing them with information which might make them try to quit. Yelling, screaming, punishing, these wont work for someone that's already hooked. If on the other hand she is just starting, which probably she isnt, telling her mother might be a good thing. Other than that, I think I'd keep it to myself. It's so sad seeing young people smoke, and I was very disappointed in my daughter when I found out, but it happens and you just have to hope they get to the point where they want to quit. Not easy I know. Good luck, Hugs, Jan


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
I think once kids start and are hooked theres not much more you can do other than providing them with information which might make them try to quit. Yelling, screaming, punishing, these wont work for someone that's already hooked. If on the other hand she is just starting, which probably she isnt, telling her mother might be a good thing. Other than that, I think I'd keep it to myself.

Who said anything about yelling and screaming? Maybe the parents of this teen will deal with it properly and just might be able to do something effective. If they don't know, they can't help. Yes, it should be obvious to the parents because of the smell, but if they smoke themselves or if the teen is talking her way out of it, they might not know.

Once again, if this were my daughter, I'd want to know so that I could at least discuss it with her further.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I would probably say somehting in a "do with this information what you will" tone.
"I saw so and so smoking and you probably already know but I was just worried for her health. Just thought I'd let you know. "
I can't imagine anyone getting angry with that b/c it isn't accusing her of being neglectful or of you wanting any further information on how she is handling the smoking.
If you see it again after mentioning it to the mom don't say anything again.


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## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

Quote:

If what I posted upset you LML, sorry, was only giving you a teen's perspective & the possibly innaccurately-assumed *good* (non-smoking) that could come of you approaching the parents, b'c I think it might have the exact opposite that you intend - that's how teens are, yk, annoyong & frustrating as it is.
i wasn't upset at all, i just wanted to stress the fact that i am really not a nosey person... and how the thought of approaching this mom about her daughter is just makes me feel REALLY uncomfortable. i'm a huge introvert, so i'm not usually the one to start normal conversations... let alone ones like this.

i haven't said anything yet... i did see the mom in the parking lot yesterday, and i just didn't do it. i sortof don't think this girl is a regular smoker... i see her down in town and hanging outside the complex pretty frequently, with her mom no-where in sight and i have only seen her smoking once in the past two years. she was also taking a drag off of her friend's cigarette, rather than smoking her own...

another thing i've been thinking about is my sister... my mom found out she was smoking when she was 13 and she SLAPPED her. you would never think by talking to or looking at my mother that she would do something like that, but she did. this girl does have a very strong personality, so there's definately a possability that they have had power struggles over other things... and i think i have might have seen the girl's dad smoking through their window before (their apartment is right next to mine, so i can smell it when he does).

right now i'm thinking i wont tell her, but i might reconsider if it becomes a more frequent thing. i live in a place where there is not much for teenagers to do... so many of them end up spending their time hanging out in diners and smoking (among other things) cigarettes. i will keep you all posted though, and THANKYOU for all the advice.


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## Joyce in the mts. (Jan 12, 2003)

I don't think you are obligated, nor do I think it wise to say a word about this.

Now it'd be another story if this girl was say, regularly babysitting for your kids or something...that'd be different, because she'd be sort of a role model for your kids in that case...and you would know her pretty well and sort of have an "investment" - you'd have a relationship. You would likely know her mom too; at least be on speaking terms with her, I would think.

But in this case, you do not have that relationship. She is not involved in your family at all, right? In many ways, it could be asking for trouble, y'know? Of course, you know...you have already talked about possible repercussions for this girl based on your sister getting slapped, etc.

On another related note:

If there is little activity for teens in your town, if you want to solve this kind of thing, then get involved- or go to someone who is already involved with the town's kids. Do you have a Youth Commission there? Ours is just parents and others interested in bringing some cultural stuff to our youth and opportunities for them to be involved in healthy and fairly wholesome activities.

In fact one parent started a TEENS ONLY! activity organization. Every month they have a TEENS ONLY! Coffeehouse,where kids can express themselves, there is NO SMOKING (and where also, if they leave the building for any reason during an activity, such as going out for a cig, it is understood they will be leaving to go directly home, their parents are called for a ride or to make certain they made it home, and they are only allowed to stay in the foyer to await the ride home). There are ways of doing things...and if the activities are irresistible, then more kids get involved and are willing to abide by the rules.

Like I said, here they have coffeehouses regularly, kids' prepare music to perform and poetry to read, there's food and beverages too and kids LOVE IT!; the group does activities like hosting dances and dance lessons like hip-hop dancing and other things, rafting the river with a rafting co. or snow tubing down the town tubing hill, and other stuff...it's JUST teens. They even got a grant and some funding and raise money with bake sales and stuff too. It's a very successful program. So that is just one idea, if you are interested in helping to remedy the problem of youth having no activities in your town.

But that's a big undertaking, isn't it?

Really, you're probably busy with your own kids...so...I guess the thing is...it bothers you to see a young girl smoking- it bothers me too, but really, is it for us, to try to do anything about it? Some say they would want to know and would want others to tell them, if it was their child- but what if someone saw your child doing something that was perfectly fine for your child and which you support, and yet came to you and "told" on them? What if it was something you felt was ok relative to other things and you already had an understanding about it with your child? How would that make you feel?

What if she and her mom have worked things out about this already? What if her mom knows and buys her cigs and doles 'em out very carefully? Maybe her mom feels she has to choose some other more important battles to fight for her daughter's highest good, which may not coincide with what others think should be a priority? We just don't know what is going on.

While I agree it is bad for this girl's or anyone's health to be smoking, reality is, in a community, sometimes even though we get bothered by what we see, it is sometimes just not for us to take such on as our mission, y'know- for many reasons. WE don't know the whole picture or story. That's all I am saying.

I really hope that I haven't offended anyone here, I have been thinking about this but didn't post till now. I think staying clear is wise, in this case. These things, however should be viewed on a case by case basis.

Joyce in the mts.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

If this is a family that you are close to, then it might be appropriate to say something. If you are not friends with them, it's none of your business. No one likes a tattle tale.


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