# lost and confused with empty arms



## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I have been having a very hard week.
I cant seem to get it together at all. Or if I do it only lasts for an hour or so and then I am back to feeling lost and directionless.
I can't seem to get dressed or eat. I am barely taking care of my 2 year old.
My husband has been feeling "grieving" much more this week also. I look at him and feel even worse. I want to help him feel better, console him, but I am a basket case myself.
I think I have read that this confusion is normal. But why does all the support seem to be gone when it happens? The phone calls slow down, the meals have ended, the visitors have stopped coming and I can't even brush my daughters hair.
I dont know what to do with my arms and hands.... I should be holding my son, nursing him, bathing him, changing his diapers. He would be six weeks old now, instead 5 weeks ago he died.
I don't have any idea how to climb out of this darkness. I miss my sweet Freddie.

~Robin


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I am sorry you lost your son. In my experience, it is all part of "normal" with grieving. For me, after a few weeks, all the planning and busy-ness was done, and at the same time we needed at least as much, if not more, support as the shock and numbness wore off and we had less to do to keep busy and not think. It is when we were sitting still that we had time to think, and it would come crashing in on us at once.

Do you have a friend that you could call and just tell her that you are having a really hard time right now, that you really need someone who can just sit with you. If you still need meals, ask people. I found that they were more than willing to help, they just didn't realize that I still needed it, since I was "holding up so well." Or ask them to take you and your daughter to the park, give you something to do and plan it so that you don't have to.

It may be too soon for this, but a project together with DH may be helpful, too. DH and I refinished a dresser, sanding by hand, in the weeks after our daughter's death. It gave us something to do, and kept my empty hands and arms busy. Sometimes we talked, othertimes we just worked, but it was very soothing in an odd way.

One other thing that we did was to go out to eat a lot. It did a couple of things for us. It made me get dressed. It made me get out of my house. And it reminded me to eat, since I would forget to do so unless someone set food in front of me and told me to eat it. I had no energy to cook, so it also made sure that ds was eating well, since otherwise he was eating what ever I could find to just give him.

Again, I am so sorry. I can promise you that it does get better, slowly and day by day. Knowing that I would not always feel the pain in such a raw way helped me get through from day to day sometimes, even though I didn't know or understand how it ever would be "better".


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

s to you. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I don't think I can say anything better than Carrie did. It has been 7 weeks for me. For me, finding someone who needed me helped. It wasn't always my dd either. One time it was a friend whose dh left her temporarily. Now, my sister have both had their babies and as weird as it sounds (at least to me it sounds weird), I am finding a calling to help them through the newborn baby stage. I am starting to plan the days I can visit each of them and what kind of food I can bring or chores I can do. These specific examples may not work for you and maybe you aren't even ready to go there at all yet, but it may be something to keep in mind when an opportunity arises.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously is exercising A LOT. Almost every day. If you need to, find a mother's helper or babysitter (kids are out of school now). Hire a housekeeper, even for just a few weeks. Or call a trusted friend or family member to ask for help. Don't be afraid to do that! We went to see a therapist once since Grace died, mainly to ask about dd to see if she was greiving OK, but the main thing that I took away from our conversation was that if we, as parents are taking care of ourselves and dealing with the pain, our children will be fine. It's like the oxygen masks on the airplane - Put yours on first before you help anyone else because you are no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself.

I think I rambled. I hope you can find something useful. And please feel free to PM me anytime you need to vent, talk, whatever.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Robin, I can not add much, as I think I am in the same place as you. Take the prior posters advice. Know that I am here & read your posts, and that you have us "cyber" friends to lean on.







s to you! Big







s


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Robin,








Those first weeks and months are so hard. I know how hard it is to see your dh grieving, all I can say is I don`t think we can be much help to each other in this situation, both people feel it so much, and its so different for men and women. Just listening and being there is all we can do most of the time.

One thing that helped me during the first few months of grief was walking. If you feel up to it, getting out and walking until you cannot walk anymore is good for cutting through some of the anxiety and restlessness that comes from grieving. I remember feeling so alone and nervous. Walking sort of kept my view changing so I was still lost in my thoughts but then a bird would pop up in front of me and I was forced to think about something else for a minute. Just breathing the air can help.

I also had a 2 year old when I lost my second and even though we are mostly TV free now, we had the TV on then like it was going out of style. It was a big help to give him something to focus on while I was dealing with my pain.

Robin, you sound like such a loving wife & mother, I wish the best for you.


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## sagelove (May 29, 2004)

It is hard.....many







sent your way.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

These first few months are so hard. Do you have anyone bringing you meals, or who could? Can you afford to eat out, or eat prepared food? What can you cut back on? Do you have a support group to talk to?

((hugs)))


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm sorry. Give yourself time, lots of it.


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

I'm so very sorry


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Robin, how are you doing? I reread your post today, I could have written it. You are not alone. Let me know how you are doing.


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## awise (Jun 20, 2005)

Robin,
I'm so sorry about little Freddie. A parent's grief is without doubt, the most wrenching of all.

Carrie posted many helpful suggestions. After our daughter died, I certainly didn't feel like cooking, let alone actually eating. So, even though it completely blew our budget, we ate out very frequently.
My husband retreated into making Olivia's photo slide show and cutting it to DVD. It came out wonderfully with a timed musical score and captions. The love he poured into it shows with every frame.
I needed a more physical outlet. I found yard work to be my therapy of choice. Digging in the earth, pulling weeds, and pushing a heavy mower have worked wonders. If I could swing an axe without terrifying my husband, we'd already have enough wood for next winter.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself mama.

-Angela
Olivia's mama, 10/11/04 - 01/01/05


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Thanks everyone.

I am really trying to face this week with a little more hope. Making plans to get out, hopefully I will keep them.

I have been doing a lot of reading on death and dying. Trying to find some peacefull moments. My husband and I took our daughter to the park Saturday after dinner. At one point we were standing by the swings and talking about Freddie, even though tears came, I did feel a little peace about it and him. We buried him in NY, but right now we live in Las Vegas, and even though I cant visit his grave daily that really does not bother me.
A friend of mine said to me "he is everywhere", his body is no longer his, just an empty shell. His soul/or being is everywhere. As we were standing by those swings, I said that to my husband and the wind was blowing and I looked at the trees and sky and felt Freddie, and felt some peace, and of course shed some tears.

We are all connected, the living and the dead.

~Robin


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Robin, I am so glad you have the strength to go out. The park sounds so nice, I am glad you found some peace. I am glad you felt Freddie in the beauty there.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Your last post sounded so healing. It's a great start on a long journey. People make comments to me about how "you'll have good days and bad days." I always answer back with or "good moments and bad moments." For me, right now, it's all about moments, not days yet and it sound like you had a good healing moment.


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