# What do you NOT want to hear???



## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I feel that we need to have a thread that shows people what kind of stuff we really don't want to hear from them.

Myself:
Do not say God needed her home. I am a christian and know that Jesus arms are as good as mine, but I want her here. God didn't just look down and say I am taking this baby from their mother today.

Do not say you know how I feel unless you have been through it.

Do not pretend to care when, in reality, you don't. You see one of us post, pretend you care, and go back to your life happy it wasn't your baby.

Do not say you are grieving with me, because I can assure you, you are NOT.

Do not say you pray for peace and forgiveness for me. Unless you have to live in my shoes day in and day out, I don't want to hear it. Unless you have been through the he** I have, don't tell me squat.

**YES, I am in a REALLY bad mood right now**


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

We're not Ctheists, so the platitudes and euphemisms can be pretty insulting and unnecessary. No, he's not an angel, he didn't grow wings, he's not with "Jesus" and there was no "plan."

None of the above brings us comfort since it doesn't register with us.

Quote:

Do not say you know how I feel unless you have been through it.

Do not pretend to care when, in reality, you don't. You see one of us post, pretend you care, and go back to your life happy it wasn't your baby.

Do not say you are grieving with me, because I can assure you, you are NOT.
These especially. It irks me when a loss is marginalized or when one is made to feel like they should "get over it." I also don't like it when it's not acknowledged, as if nothing ever happened. When family or friends are silent. You may not be able to make the situation better, but say _something_. Don't pretend nothing happened.

I definitely don't want to hear from family things like, "Has this changed your spiritual views or made you "see the light." What light? The light of "Jesus"? No it hasn't and it won't. This devastating and tragic event didn't do a darn thing in "reconnecting" to the faith we once had. We're still apostates and that won't change.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

I think what I hate hearing the most is "That's so unfair. You don't deserve this." I mean, is there someone out there who does deserve to have their baby pass away before they ever get to meet them? Why _not_ me, really.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

"The good Lord giveth and He takest away."

Thanks. That really helps.

"At least it happened before you had a chance to get really attached. I had a friend who lost a baby at (insert number of weeks) and it was really awful."

My son had eyelids, ears, fingernails, toenails, and I felt him move. He wasn't "medical waste" or a "product of conception." It wasn't "just" a miscarriage. He doesn't count less because I missed that mythical 20 week mark that makes him a person to other people.

"It probably happened for a reason."

Really? What reason is that?

"I understand how you feel because I had to have four abortions for medical reasons."

No, you don't understand how I feel. You were a drug addict who got pregnant four times while you were doing whatever it was you were doing. I am sorry you have regrets all these years later, and I don't doubt that you have pain--probably greater than mine in some ways because I am sure you have a lot of guilt--but you don't understand how I feel. You just don't and it insults me to have you compare our losses.

I don't get mad that much now. No one wants to talk about it anymore. It's old news. I try to take what people say in the spirit that they are just trying to make me feel better. Their hearts are in the right place and there isn't any perfect thing to say.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

the one I hate the most is "don't worry, you will have other children" someone seriously told me that while we were waiting to take my son off life support









I know they meant well but that is soo not what I wanted to hear right then...

and I have heard it a million times since then too..

oh and right after my second baby died, I had everyone and their mother telling me stories of ladies that had 3 or 4 or 5 losses before they had a baby....


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## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

My losses are m/c so much earlier....people don't say too much to me, but I am also not religious so all the angel stuff is lost on me. It means nothing. I agree with a lot of the "I know how you feel" type stuff. I think the weirdest thing was my mother in law who said, "did you find out what is wrong with your body?" the first time she talked to me about my 3rd m/c....2 days after it was confirmed. Not what I want to hear. Really.

Another one is people saying "I know how bad you want another child and how much it must hurt" even though they mean well, I don't want just another child...I wanted THAT child.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I don't mind people telling me about the losses and having other children after them, or saying "when you're ready, you can try again" because for me and Harry, it's true - we do want to try again and when people tell me that, I understand they mean well and want to offer hope of the continuance of life, which I also want. I have never felt such love for a tiny person as I did with Josie, and her loss just actually makes me want to have ten children, instead of just one more or two more! It's awesome, this love, and I now want to give my love to tons of kids







But, having sad that, the "you will have more babies" thing is not something I'd say to others without knowing their personal plans, because they may not feel the same way I do - they may not take it the same way, and I totally respect that.

If they do want more children though, then that is something that, when said right can offer hope - when someone wants more babies, I feel it's a good thing to restate to them, as it does offer that support, instead of remaining silent in case something happens to another child. My mother had to deal with the opposite - her parents told her she shoulnd't dare have any more children. As a result, they didn't meet my sister and brother until they were several years old!

Anyway so what NOT to say.

"Bad Ju Ju" because of not being married to Harry. The guy who said that was, in short, your quintessential definition of a moron-head. The end.

"She's safe in the arms of Jesus" - what? I'm a pagan, to start with and while I believe Jesus was a genuine, and wise man, I don't think he's sitting on a cloud somewhere cradling my daughter, and I'm fine with that...

"She's an angel watching over you..." I use the term "angel" only very loosely to describe her, as she's passed on. But personally I don't need to believe she's waiting for me anywhere even if it turns out that she is. I know she feels no pain and that she's at peace, and that's good enough for me. That doesn't mean I don't talk to her still - I do, but she lives in my heart now, and in the space between myself and Harry because she's made from both of us.

"Don't worry, you'll see her again." Will I? I don't know - but that's fine with me. I don't believe in heaven really - but I do believe in eternal peace, whatever that might entail. I really can't grasp the whole "we'll all meet again in heaven" thing but again, that's fine with me. Whatever happens, I won't know about it until after I die. My daughter's not in pain, and I can't clamor for someone who is gone - it's pointless. She IS gone - my family are around me and alive. I will miss her every day - and I do, but she's gone and the best thing I can do is keep my mind open as to where she went, instead of relying on a communal place she's waiting in for me to serve as a hope to cling to...instead of letting my baby go properly. She's fine, wherever she might be. I will have to wait to the end of my life to see what's next, and I'm alright with not having a preconceived opinion about what might lay ahead







That's my opinion though and if you believe in heaven, that's fine! Maybe you're right









"If you'd been in hospital..." Oh, shut up. Quite frankly, here are the facts. Babies die EVEN in hospital. I had an enormous hemorrhage - a friend of mine had one in hospital, a placental abruption, and her baby died too. Don't give me any [email protected] about homebirth not being safe because I will think you are a miseducated fool - especially now my child has died! Horrible things happen, even to the best people, and it's nothing to do with anything sometimes, and trying to assgn blame is totally a worthless endeavour. I'd have another homebirth at the drop of a hat and I intend to do it again after the next baby, which will be born in a good hospital with the aid of my midwife just to make sure Harry and the kids aren't scared and to ensure I get an idea of what real labor feels like for the next, HBAC child







So there.

"I hope God reveals himself to you in so many splendid way. You should come join our church because without the awesome power of _Jesus_, you just won't heal fully." Oh come on, just because I believe in a wonderful, life bringing earth goddess does not mean I won't heal from this experience. I love the way I view life and the spirit - it helps enormously and I feel it heals me so much spiritually. I don't like being impressed with the religion of another because they thing I'm some kind of heathen, lost in the wolderness. I'm not - I'm a modern, very spiritually adept woman perfectly capable to healing and progressing _very_ well under the guidance of my own, abstract spiritual beliefs.

Anyway that's all I can think of for now! I'd better go help Harry fix the snowblower now. *HUGE hugs to you all* - hugs are always lovely







XXX


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

*"This should just make you more grateful for the child you do have!"*
*
"Maybe this is God's way of assuring you that your hysterectomy is right without any regrets."*

_Um...I dont see why that would have been necessary I was completely happy with getting my hysterectomy and didn't want anymore children - that is - until I found out I was pregnant._

*"Maybe now that you know you can get pregnant you should try again."*

_Trying again isn't going to make the baby I lost come back. Im not in the business of replacing my children and although I was excited about that baby when it came into my life - I still am not looking to have anymore children._

*"I know how hard it is to have a miscarriage. I had a D&C and it was so bad."*

_While I respect that a D&C is emotional and tragic in its own way - its not the same thing as having huge clots pass from your body and holding your baby in your hands. NOTHING like it._

*"Now that you have a foster baby - you should be able to forget Xavier."*

_No, I will not forget Xavier. No other child is him. No other baby will be that baby I lost. I will remember him always and will always think of him. Do you just forget about your dog because it died and you got a new one? Multiply that times a million and you have that memory of losing a child..._


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I've been pretty lucky.. people haven't said much wrong to me, we've had a few mentions of god. I am not religous, so i don't really want to hear that my baby is hanging out as gods right hand mini angel.. that doesn't make me feel better. People have said to me, dont worry, you'll have another.. and honestly, that doesn't really bother me. I know they mean well, and are trying to offer comforting words. I've never been offended by it (though I can see why people would..) and I guess to a point, I feel the same way.. YES I will have another one. That doesn't replace my sweet little boy... but the thought of holding his sibling in my arms some day does give me some comfort and hope.


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## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarilynP* 
the one I hate the most is "don't worry, you will have other children" someone seriously told me that while we were waiting to take my son off life support









I know they meant well but that is soo not what I wanted to hear right then...

and I have heard it a million times since then too..

oh and right after my second baby died, I had everyone and their mother telling me stories of ladies that had 3 or 4 or 5 losses before they had a baby....

Oh my...I am sorry for your loss. I can't believe someone would say that while your son was on life support. Some people really have a hard time saying common sense things.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

You're young. You'll get there.

You are so strong.

God must have really wanted Baker.

Just think, you have someone waiting for you in heaven now.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I have not experienced/suffered the loss of a child, but have a friend who did this spring so I thought I would read this thread.

I have said something like "this is awful, you don't deserve it..." I have said that "life is so unfair, I just don't understand and don't know what to say".....

I try my best to be sensitive to her....her beautiful son was born the same week as my daughter. I do try to stop and chat with her when I have someone watching my girls.....she loves children, but it has only been 9 months since her loss so I try to limit visiting her with my girls. (Her son passed away at 11 months of age)

I try to talk about other topics a bit and always tell her that she can vent if she needs too.

I would appreciate any additional input!

SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

"Maybe it's for the best. Maybe there was something wrong with her that you didn't know about."

No she was perfect - and, even if she had turned out to have some difficulties, she would STILL have been perfect to us. Having to bury my beloved girl was not FOR THE BEST.

I haven't really had any crass comments about faith/heaven and stuff. We're Christians and we're wrestling with issues of heaven and how this fits with our view of God. Anybody who has made a coment with a spiritual dimension to it has generally been sensitive and thoughtful.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
*
"I know how hard it is to have a miscarriage. I had a D&C and it was so bad."

While I respect that a D&C is emotional and tragic in its own way - its not the same thing as having huge clots pass from your body and holding your baby in your hands. NOTHING like it.
*
*
*
*
No offense, but this is exactly what I don't like to hear. People comparing the pain of their miscarriage to mine. I know you don't mean any offense, but I'm not sure you've been where others are, either. You might say that having to vaginally birth a stillborn child is harder than finding out after an emergency c-section, and although I haven't been through it, I might take offense to that, too.

I think the important thing is to love on each other, no matter how many weeks we were when our baby was lost, or if it was a spontaneous miscarriage, D&C, D&E, vaginal stillbirth, or c-section stillbirth. It's not fair to judge each other based on our own pain and decide that one is worse than the other. While one situation may be harder for one person, it doesn't make the other person's experience any easier. Comparing and deciding yours was harder, no matter how sure you are, isn't fair because you haven't been there to experience the dimensions of that person's loss.*


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Overall, everyone has been wonderful and sensitive to us. The phone calls and emails have been pouring in, and I couldn't be more grateful to my friends for their support during this time.

The only hardship so far is knowing that my BIL's wife wasn't happy for us when she found out we were pregnant and having to anticipate her awfulness during Christmas. I have no idea what to anticipate. I'm just glad I have 12 days.

I'm reading some of the comments and responses on this thread and a lot of it has been said to me, but I guess I haven't felt offended by it... yet, anyway. Some of the things on here though, are just out of this world offensive. I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced that.

I made it very clear to friends and family in an email that we trust God's plan for us and we know our loved ones will be mourning the loss too, and that's okay. I asked people not to be afraid of us, or feel awkward, and I asked them to share their emotions with us, because knowing what is sincerely in their hearts was more important than some politically correct anecdote.

Anyway, the truth is, no matter how sensitive people try to be (or not) something isn't going to go over very well with us, because we're hurting. It's hard to say the right thing when everything in the world seems wrong.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I don't mind people telling me about the losses and having other children after them, or saying "when you're ready, you can try again" because for me and Harry, it's true - we do want to try again and when people tell me that, I understand they mean well and want to offer hope of the continuance of life, which I also want. I have never felt such love for a tiny person as I did with Josie, and her loss just actually makes me want to have ten children, instead of just one more or two more! It's awesome, this love, and I now want to give my love to tons of kids







But, having sad that, the "you will have more babies" thing is not something I'd say to others without knowing their personal plans, because they may not feel the same way I do - they may not take it the same way, and I totally respect that.

If they do want more children though, then that is something that, when said right can offer hope - when someone wants more babies, I feel it's a good thing to restate to them, as it does offer that support, instead of remaining silent in case something happens to another child. My mother had to deal with the opposite - her parents told her she shoulnd't dare have any more children. As a result, they didn't meet my sister and brother until they were several years old!

XXX

yeah I get all that and at the right time I would have been fine with hearing that but my sister-in-law told me this right after we made the decision to take our baby boy off life support.. so not the right time, in my opinion..


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

No, not the right time at all Marilyn - I get you *hugs* - plus you know, it's only really right to say this to someone after you know what their opinion is - from observation and listening carefully to them during conversations (I would have to know someone pretty well to come out and ask them if they wanted more children). Then you know, you know how to support them. To say something like that when your son was son life support was incredibly thoughtless and ridiculous and I would have been so mad, because I would have felt as though that person were rubbing my son out when he hadn't even left this world...

So the reply there was definitely not directed at you, M - just a general reply









*HUGE hugs to you* - I'm so glad you're on this forum as well







XXX


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
No offense, but this is exactly what I don't like to hear. People comparing the pain of their miscarriage to mine. I know you don't mean any offense, but I'm not sure you've been where others are, either. You might say that having to vaginally birth a stillborn child is harder than finding out after an emergency c-section, and although I haven't been through it, I might take offense to that, too.

I think the important thing is to love on each other, no matter how many weeks we were when our baby was lost, or if it was a spontaneous miscarriage, D&C, D&E, vaginal stillbirth, or c-section stillbirth. It's not fair to judge each other based on our own pain and decide that one is worse than the other. While one situation may be harder for one person, it doesn't make the other person's experience any easier. Comparing and deciding yours was harder, no matter how sure you are, isn't fair because you haven't been there to experience the dimensions of that person's loss.

I wasn't saying that - Im saying I that is one of the things I DONT want to hear. I hate people comparing it to mine. Im sure that persons D&C was traumatic and awful - but its NOT the same as what I went through. Its different by far. Just as I wouldn't presume to know what its like to have a D&C. KWIM? I never said I have experienced a D&C or still birth - I only know that the two ways of loss are not the same. Not worse than the other - but not the same either.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Paraphrasing because it's been so long I can't remember exactly how it was worded when said to me.

It was all for best in the long run, because something was clearly wrong with baby anyway. Otherwise it would have lived.








:

You can have other/more children








: I wanted THIS child. Another child is not a substitute for the one I lost. Children are not interchangeable.

You can always adopt.

Again, children are not interchangable

It was Gods will.








:


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I can see where both of you are coming from. Each kind of loss is indeed different. In stillbirth too, cesarean is going to be inherently different to giving birth vaginally, though those of us with stillborn babies late term might be able to best relate to one another, and those with stillborn babies born earlier might be able to best relate to each other. That's just a matter of comparison and trying to find people with whom we have things in common to base each other's recovery experiences on, if we so choose.

See, I find myself relating most in terms of _physical recovery_ to those with a close to term birth or full term birth, because we usually have similar physical "going back to normal" body wise, having carried until our uteruses were very large. So physically, relating like that is not strange - you want to know how you are all progressing and whether what you're feeling is normal. Now _emotionally_ I can relate to everyone and that's just a matter of compassion. Sure, I may not know exactly how you feel, but I know I'm a lot closer that people who have never been through this. Conversely, I do accept that you guys on here DO know how I feel to a certain extent - I respect that you've been down this very difficult path yourselves, no matter when the child was lost.

The main thing in the end is that nothing's crazy or abnormal - nobody's loss is any less than anothers, and that we're in a unique position to be suportive and loving to one another and to help each otheer really heal from these experiences, because that is totally possible with the right support. We can be left with scars but we really don't have to walk around with open wounds, feeling completely alone and as though we are never going to get any better.

*MUCH love to you all. My heart wells up with emotion at everything _everyone_ has been through here. I can honestly say you're all beautiful people, and wonderful mamas* XXX


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I hear what you are saying. I had a natural loss along with what was a labor very similiar to my living childs. And so I do relate to people that shared that physical experience on a unique level.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
I wasn't saying that - Im saying I that is one of the things I DONT want to hear. I hate people comparing it to mine. Im sure that persons D&C was traumatic and awful - but its NOT the same as what I went through. Its different by far. Just as I wouldn't presume to know what its like to have a D&C. KWIM? I never said I have experienced a D&C or still birth - I only know that the two ways of loss are not the same. Not worse than the other - but not the same either.

I guess I see what you mean, but saying that loosing a baby and having a D&C is tragic "in it's own way" as well as the "NOTHING like it" really came across as the magnitude of loss not being comparable. My baby (at 8 weeks) doesn't have a heartbeat. I'm walking around with this gorgeous little love in my uterus, and it's killing me. To make the right choice for myself and my husband, I'm having a D&C. While the experience itself (passing the baby and having it sucked from your womb) may be different, the pain of losing a baby is still comparable and should be presumed equal in magnitude. Acknowledging differences in experience is VERY different than claiming we have nothing in common by losing our babies.

I've had people say, "I had a miscarriage too. It was terrible, and I remember how awful I felt. Is there anything I can do for you?" I don't think this is trying to diminish or compare their experience to mine, just letting me know that they've experienced a loss too, and they know how awful it was to them. If they said, "Oh, you're having a D&C? Well, I passed my baby at home and what I experienced is NOTHING at all like a D&C" then I'd be offended.

While we're discussing the many ways others have been insensitive to us, let's also be sensitive to each other. My heart breaks for everyone on these boards who have felt the pain of loss at 6 weeks, 6 months, at birth. I'm so sorry you had to hold your darling little baby in your hands. I'm sorry I have to have my uterus scraped out while I feel every uterine contraction. It's not easy for any of us. This whole thing is just terrible, and there's not much to say more than that.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, and it's very hard to say what would have been better, because even if you knew your child had died, it's still hard to say if a c section or natural birth would have been better. With a section, the child comes out very quickly, but then you have to recover from a section afterward and that is very hard. With a natural birth, you have the emotional pain of birthing a child you know has died, but, you womb has not bee cut into so the recovery is often easier physically. I think if I'd had a choice and there wasn't the placental abruption, and we knew Josie had gone a while ago, I would have chosen to birth vaginally because I never ever wanted to be cut into and that remains an issue for me personally. But again, everyone is different in that regard.

XXX


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I have had some of the above comments said to me... Even that it is Ok because I am sure there was something wrong. I guess I haven't been offended by anything that has been said because so far it has all been said in a well meaning form.

I am a Christian so comments about the baby/babies being in heaven don't bother me.

HUGS TO YOU ALL


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
No, not the right time at all Marilyn - I get you *hugs* - plus you know, it's only really right to say this to someone after you know what their opinion is - from observation and listening carefully to them during conversations (I would have to know someone pretty well to come out and ask them if they wanted more children). Then you know, you know how to support them. To say something like that when your son was son life support was incredibly thoughtless and ridiculous and I would have been so mad, because I would have felt as though that person were rubbing my son out when he hadn't even left this world...

So the reply there was definitely not directed at you, M - just a general reply









*HUGE hugs to you* - I'm so glad you're on this forum as well







XXX

oh i know you weren't talking directly to me (F)

I know my sister-in-law didn't mean anything bad by saying it.. she probably had no idea what to say and that was the first thing that came to mind but it still hurt...


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, family can be so and so's...

My BIL was the one (or one of the ones) saying "you should have gone to hospital...shoulnd't have been messing with all this weirdo home-birth stuff..."

Ugh. Hellooo... Ah well. C'est la vie. Some people don't have their brains screwed on at emotional times like this I guess. I wish that flower icon worked







here: *flower* XX


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

"Maybe you just aren't meant to have any more children." Said by my mother when I told her about the third miscarriage. From a woman who lost multiple babies herself, adopted me, then had my sister.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

oh yeah my sister-in-law and their aunt also said stuff like, "it was those darn stairs in your place" .. when talking about why I went into premature labour...

I felt like they were blaming me...


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Ah, Marilyn, they don't have a clue. We do. It wasn't the stairs hun - it wasn't your fault at all - not in the least. *HUGE hugs* XXXX


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

I know it wasn't the stairs and I kept telling them it wasn't like I was running up and down the stairs or anything.. I was always careful...


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Im so sorry to hear that so many of your families were unsupportive and even blaming








I cannot imagine having to listen to that when you are at your darkest hour. My hubby was offshore and all I had was my mother and father and I realize now just how blessed I am that my family supported me and everything during the whole thing...amazing how sometimes reading other's stories can make you see the light in your own and realize that it very well could have been worse - MUCH worse
(((hugs))) to you all!


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## slowtime (Sep 25, 2006)

I called my mother right after we got back from the emergency room, the morning my miscarriage really started. It was November 4th, Election Day. My mother knew something was wrong, because I never call that early. I sobbed into the phone for a while, and finally told her what happened. She said she was sorry, said it probably happened for a reason, that we could always try again, and then she asked me if I'd voted yet.

Seriously.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slowtime* 
I called my mother right after we got back from the emergency room, the morning my miscarriage really started. It was November 4th, Election Day. My mother knew something was wrong, because I never call that early. I sobbed into the phone for a while, and finally told her what happened. She said she was sorry, said it probably happened for a reason, that we could always try again, and then she asked me if I'd voted yet.

Seriously.









I am so sorry


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Aw Marilyn, I know. My DP Harry's baby's mother (of A and D) bore his first child under similar circumstance I think to your Katelyn. Her name was Alauna Marie and she was born at 23 weeks, because of PROM. Now, she did in the end have three living children - one before, two after, but she also did have PROM as well. She definitely did nothing but take it easy, so there's just no clear reason why what happened, happened. I mention her living children because if it had been something fundamentally wrong with her that made her membranes rupture with Alauna, she would probably have had similar problems with A and D when they were being carried, but there were no problems with them - so it's not as though you did anything wrong at all. It was just a bizarre thing.

I have a friend I could put you in touch with if you like - she's just awesome and she herself also lost two children to stillbirth. I think one was at over 40 weeks, adn the other at about 37 weeks or so - one after another, like you. She's soooo positive and just so lovely and really great to talk to. I think her hubby and her have taken a break from trying right now at least - possibly permanently, but she's really very good to talk to. I'd be totally happy to introduce you two if you like









Anyway *HUGS* - we're all goddesses and we're all going to ge through this together. XXXX


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

What I dislike the most that my DH constantly tells me is that well at least you have one child. That's not the point, these were two separate individual babies that I was supposed to have that I don't...quite trying to make me feel better my telling me at least I have one child.

Oh, and this is more of a seriously insensitive thing that I though this person would have been aware of and not said but did - I'm in the mddle of my 2nd natural m/c and bleeding a lot - finally get a chance to put a mondo pad on and eat and drink something since I was loosing a lot of blood - and this family member has to use this moment to tell me my niece is pregnant. Not the best timing I'd say







:

Oh, and then there's the family members that won't say anything and act like it never really happened. I don't know maybe that doesn't bother a lot of people, but for me I would like my loss to be acknowledged!!! It was my baby after all.


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarilynP* 
the one I hate the most is "don't worry, you will have other children"

A friend made the point to me that no one would say that if you had lost a parent or a sibling...for some reason they think that losing a child is different from losing another precious familiy member. Clearly, they have never lost a child.

Quote:

oh and right after my second baby died, I had everyone and their mother telling me stories of ladies that had 3 or 4 or 5 losses before they had a baby....
Yeah, I had 3 m/c in the 12-15wk range--they were my first 3 pregnancies and we had no way to know if (let alone when) I'd be able to carry to term. People were always saying "oh, so and so had miscarriages but now she has 4 kids" blah blah blah.

The other thing I hate is "oh, my girlfriend was having miscarriages and she tried ___ and it solved everything"







yeah, cuz i tried all thsoe same things and clearly it didnt' work because i have just miscarried AGAIN


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## secondimpression (Jun 10, 2008)

From my medicaid caseworker: "Since you're sitting here, it was probably for the best that your baby didn't make it." If she didn't have the power to decide whether or not my file made it into the system, I think I would've said a thing or two to her about professionalism in not-so-nice terms.

For the most part, people were deeply and genuinely sympathetic since mine was the first miscarriage (and pregnancy, for that matter) most of them had ever encountered.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I had a woman at church try to tell me that she remembers what her miscarriage was like. Bear in mind, I have had two of them myself. One was very early on and another was at 11 1/2 weeks and I held that baby in my hand after it was born. Please know I am not discounting m/c pain but that irritated me. The loss of my daughter was HUGE compared to my losses. She wasn't a miscarriage, she was a living breathing child.

I had one person tell me I should of gone to the hospital. When she said it, I was angry. Now, I know she was right. My daughter's death was preventable and had I been at the hospital, she would be here in my arms. That is something I have to live with every single day of my life. The guilt, at times, is overwhelming.

Someone contacted me telling me they were praying for peace and forgiveness for me. Thank you, but, I don't need it. You don't know my story and you don't have a clue what happened to my daughter. You don't know me at all.

Don't tell me you want to "show me the light of Jesus Christ". I am christian and know about him and believe. Trying to turn my daughter's death into a way to recruit me is just plain tacky. I would never contact another mother and try and tell her something like that. I relate to grieving mothers because I am one and do care about what they are going through.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I have a friend I could put you in touch with if you like - she's just awesome and she herself also lost two children to stillbirth. I think one was at over 40 weeks, adn the other at about 37 weeks or so - one after another, like you. She's soooo positive and just so lovely and really great to talk to. I think her hubby and her have taken a break from trying right now at least - possibly permanently, but she's really very good to talk to. I'd be totally happy to introduce you two if you like









how horribly sad!


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh man Shannon, I agree - it is so terribly sad. But you wouldn't believe it - this woman has life in her an humor, and spark and energy and inspiration! If you think I'm positive, you should see her - it really is incredible and personally encouraging. She's just lovely.







It's somewhat rare to have two late losses like that and hers were for different reasons. Just goes to show you don't necessarily have to let even two late losses destroy you. And also, you know, we will be having another and the thought always crops up "what if?" - well, if it should happen again, like her, I would not be destroyed.

Anyway I digress I suppose - but I'd just love her to come here to MDC. I'll see what I can figure out







*HUGS* XXX


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I had a miscarriage in August (6 weeks gestation) and then got pregnant again in October. That was an ectopic pregnancy and wasn't discovered until it ruptured and I went in on Thanksgiving due to pain and passing out.

I talked to my MIL because we were asking for her help (DH had to go out of town for work and I still cannot pick up dd, and wasn't driving).

First she told me I could do IVF (I still have one good tube).

When she came to help she told me "This is just a bump in the road, you need to get over this and move on." then any time I brought up the miscarriage or the ectopic, I was shushed. This was less than two weeks after the ectopic loss and surgery.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

God's will ..... Not a believer, thanks anyway.

Angel stuff.... I really hate that! My child is not an angel now. Ick.

You can have more..... How whacked is that?


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## melissa1987 (Dec 17, 2008)

when i had my miscarriage the emergancy room doctor was soo insensitive and at the end before i was discharged he said dont worry its not the end of the world.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

most people have been very nice. however, most say nothing which is somewhat annoying. i understand though, it's hard to know what to say, i try to remember that. i went to a xmas party at my aunts and it was the first time i saw a bunch of cousins since our loss... no one said a thing. it made me sad actually. like i'm the only one who is going to remember our little girl (and my DH, of course). and i am not religious and the angel thing bugs me, even though it is well meaning. my MIL got us a marker for our garden w/ our daughter's name on it and a picture of a cherubic angel and looking at the picture annoys me, even though the gesture was sweet. i also get the "i don't know your feelings about this but i KNOW you will meet her again." as if someday i will 'see the light' and believe what they believe. i don't expect to see her again. and that is hard, of course i'd love to, but i just don't believe it. so i cope with that. also, my sister had a baby about 6 weeks after my loss and she keeps saying how excited her older girl is to have a sister. i wanted a sister for my daughter! her sister died and it sucks.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

maemaemama - I agree.. it hurts me to see Gwen admiring babies, because she was supposed to have a baby brother here to admire, and caress.







on having a sister with a newborn.. that would be tough! I've got a lot of friends and cousins.. but sisters you see and talk to regularly, where the friends I can just avoid and the cousins I don' t see often anyway! haha


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