# It is like losing them all over again...



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Hi,

I know I haven't been around for a long time. I kept a low profile (non-existent) because of some cyber-stalkers that went too far.

You may not know me or my losses, but please understand that I know your pain. It sent me over the edge, (with the help of the cyberstalkers, no less) and it took a long time to recover.

I'm certainly not 100% but I've found a "new normal" and am surviving day by day.

Right now I just need a shoulder to cry on...

Every year there is a community garage sale. You rent tables and it is great because it is indoor, widely advertised and your table rental is only $10.

Well, this year I rented three tables because I am selling all of our baby clothes, toys and related wares and it stings so bad because I guess I've closed the door on having another baby.

Each time I open a new bin, I feel another knife cutting my heart open and it brings back all of the emotions back associated with each lost angel and each lost possibility.

As we are approaching the first year angelversary of William (May 17th), it pains me to think that it was the last time that I was pregnant.

I'm also angry at the universe that the choice was taken so brutally away from us, with not just one or two m/c (please understand that I am in no means trivializing a single m/c) but five back to back?

As my youngest is 2 1/2 and I haven't figured out a way to stop her from growing, I see her baby mannerisms fading and changing and it pains me.

I'm very happy with my life right now (children, marriage, business) and I have my life back again but I suppose there will always be this piece of me that is missing.

Sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out.

R.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

mamaterra,







for you and your pain. I am so sorry for your losses. I don't think it is every really easy to close the door on having any more children even when the decison is consiously made. when it is made for us it is even harder. My thoughts are with you.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)




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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)




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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

It's nice to have you back again.







I hope no one bugs you anymore.


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

I am sorry for all that you have been thru and that your enduring now







.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

So sorry, mama. Not only did you lose your son (we lost our William on April 1, 2009) but now you're grieving the loss of any potential children... so so hard.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Thank you for all your hugs and wishes.

I'm glad to see that some of you have gone on to have babies and am sad to see so many new faces here.

Regardless, we all have a sad wisdom and will never see the world the same again.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

OK, in tears as I'm going through my newborn and birthing supplies...

Crying into the clothes and the smell takes me back instantly. This sucks!!!


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

GREAT BIG HUGS to you mama! I am so sorry.
I can't even bring myself to go through Elise's things or any of my baby stuff, i can only imagine how much it hurts...like you said "like loosing her all over again"
Again, I'm soo sorry you are going through this


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I can feel the pain in your words. I am so sorry.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Hmmm, I am sorry mama. This was one of my great fears. I can only imagine the magnitude. I am so sorry.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Thinking of you


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I'm sorry Mama. We are actually thinking of stopping ttc and it's the thought of getting rid of all the baby clothes that has me in tears every time.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

One year ago today we found out that William was dead.

Today has been hard as the events of a year ago are still so fresh in my memory.

We had brought our children into the u/s room to see their new sibling because we had a perfect u/s two weeks before with his hb at 160 bmp and with all of our losses before, the children had gone through hell so we wanted to share in the good news.

The OB turned up the volume so that our dc could hear the hb but there was deafening silence. My dh told me afterwards that the OBs' face went white as he searched here and fiddled with this knob there frantically trying to find something.

I quietly asked that "there is no heartbeat is there?" to which the OB shook his head. I motioned for my dh to take the dc out of the u/s room. I don't remember much after that.

The weather today is the same dreary miserable day as it was a year ago. I'm just in a really bad head space today and am surviving on anti-anxieties and other benzos to just get me through the day.

Sorry my post sucks. That is just how I feel. Sometimes the pain is too great and so overwhelming that I don't know what to do.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Your u/s experience sounds eerily similar to ours. We had our whole family waiting with bated breath to see their new sibling and then......









Peace and gentleness to you today.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh mama. It is not something any of us should ever experience. I am so very, very sorry.

Wishing you a gentle day.


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

I am so sorry


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)




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