# The saddest U/S ever....



## Mommy StormRaven (Jan 21, 2002)

I woke up this morning spotting, no cramps no nothing just spotting onthe TP. I called my midwife Leah, she said I should go in for u/s just to make sure things were ok. I dindt' think inthe farthest reaches of my mind that there would be anything really wrong. I only wish that I had been right. The u/s showed a gestational sac at 10w2d, embryonic development at 8w6d abd no flicker of heartbeat, the placenta was beginning to tear. We intentionally conceived this baby and wanted more than anything to give our DD a sibling, evidently the time was not right. This is the 7th m/c I have had in my lifetime but the first of a baby taht we knew of and wanted. All others were so early that they were not even known of until after the fact, this one... this one is different... sooo much different. I don't begin to knwo how to deal wiht it in the least, I don't think I have ever hurt this much in my life. I went to the ultrasound alone because DH is away in Buffalo for the week at a conference - he is coming home now though. I was all alone watching my wanted and loved baby not movign not even flickering a heartbeat and I had to calmly leave the hospital and drive myself home. How do I eve3n begin to greive? Please help with any advice you can offer.... I have never been so sad in my life....


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I'm so sorry.

I cannot imagine how you must feel. My thoughts are with you and I hope that your husband arrives home soon to give you the hugs that you need.

(((((((((((((((Mommy StormRaven)))))))))))))))))))))


----------



## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## 4cuddlebugs (Jan 18, 2002)

All I can say is don't be afraid to feel any of what uyo are feeling. The hurt will be very intense for a while. I remember feeling such a loss of the actual pregnancy as well as the baby. I hated seeing pregnant women-and they seemed to come out of the woodwork. The whole process just feels like it is cut off. My expectations, my hopes, my longing for a new baby-gone. Then just such an empty unfillable place.








Your feelings will come with intensity, anger, and a feeling a hopelessness. It will all pass-but honestly will probably never be gone.
You and your husband need to understand each others' grief and feelings. They may manifest differently for each of you. Hold each other and talk about it.
Remember too, that you have been blessed with your dd and she will need you too. Band togethre as a family and know that you will get through this.
I send my love and hopes that you can give yourself time to grieve and find new hope again. I lost my little spriit at 22 wks after my water broke 3 wks before- she was perfect, but I know now that it wasn't the right time for her. I have since had 2 wonderful pgs and births resulting in my beautiful boys. My spirit grew immensely, and I learned that I could be much stronger than I ever thought.
Love and hugs to you and your family in this time.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. ((HUGS)) It is so unfair to lose a baby. I lost my baby 3 years ago at 9 weeks gestation. It was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Please know that you aren't alone in your grief and that we are all here for you when you need us.

I wish I had some words of wisdom. Just give yourself all the time you need and the freedom to feel all of your feelings. Have you spoken to your midwife since the US? My midwife was very helpful about what to expect physically and emotionally. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.


----------



## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh I am so sad for you. How heartbreaking. There are no words that I can think of to make you feel any bit better.

I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Please take care,
peggy


----------



## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

Oh my girl, I'm so sorry.

You know what really helped me? I made a beautiful shrine to my angel. All of the condolance cards, emails and flowers...my hospital bands, the u/s pics--everything that had to do with that spirit I put on a table and kept fresh flowers for weeks-and a lit candle. I'd light the candle when I needed to feel connected to my baby. I wrote a birth story, even though I had a D and C. I talked, talked, talked when I felt like talking. I cried, I laughed.

We lost our babies at nearly the exactly the same development. I was 10 w 5 d and baby had only developed to the 8.5 week mark. I too was taken completely by surprise at an ultrasound. I know how sudden, how terrible it is to see that damn flatline over your baby's body. You want to just WILL it to life.

I think of the baby every day. Some days are better than others, but my good days are much more frequent than they used to be. I went to a very healing drum circle and was able to release the baby's spirit. Where are you? I am in Tacoma and am here if you want to get together. I'll bake you bread, sing you a song, or just listen.

(((((((((peace)))))))))))


----------



## Brandonsmama (Dec 25, 2001)

Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. There is absolutely nothing that I can say to lessen your sadness, but just know that others like myself have walked thru these terrible waters(six times) and survived. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. I wish you peace tonite. Blessings, Sandi


----------



## mom at home (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry, Stormraven. I don't have words of wisdom, but know that I am thinking about you and your baby and sending healing energy your way.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Alison


----------



## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. What helped me the most with my loss was writing a letter to my baby. You will be in my prayers.


----------



## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

many hugs to you and you are in my thoughts...please take good care of yourself. Dh and I and Dd are going throught this now. We will have a ceremony in our "memorial garden in the next few weeks. I plan to journal and let myself go through all the ups and downs for the next several months. I just got a book about miscarraiges put out by La Leche Leauge. It is helpful.

my heart goes out to you sister in grief....

beth


----------



## Kylix (May 3, 2002)

I'm so sorry for you loss!!
(((MommyStormRaven)))

Kylix


----------



## Etoile (May 8, 2002)

I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you.


----------



## familykiss (May 30, 2002)

I am truly sorry for your loss.

My husband and I know this pain as well. We had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in feb. There is now way out, but through. The loss of that expectation is devastating. As much as we tryed to let go of the outcome, we couldn't. I spent a lot of time thinking and crying and just sitting with that grief. It takes a long while to feel like you are part of the rest of the world. Stay close to those who know this pain, I found it helpful to have that support.

Give yourself lots of time and gentleness

Peace to you and your family - N


----------



## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

I am so sorry......my heart and thoughts are with you.


----------



## Inwe Surion (Nov 19, 2001)

MSR- I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My dd and I send light to you and your family.

Much love,


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

MSR, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's never to easy to loose a child.

I remember looking at the ultrasound screen and seeing that lifeless body floating. What a horrible feeling it was. Like you, most of my miscarriages were early on, only one at 8 weeks and it was very strange to loose her/him.

Has your midwife suggested any other steps for self care? Please feel free to share here.

As your going through this, please also remember to take care of yourself. Eat small, but regular meals and keep hydrated. You may have some more blood loss and you'll want to make sure you don't get dehydrated.

Take care of yourself - your in my thoughts.


----------



## Mommy StormRaven (Jan 21, 2002)

Well I had the D&C doen last night, only took about 10 minutes for the procedure. Bleeding ahs already stopped for the most part - at least physically I feel ok.

Midwife suggested that I truely greive and not hodl anythign back, which I am doing. As part of that process we have named our spirit child Eva Morgayne - I heard this name whispered in my ear Sunday night and I now beleive she told me this so I would be able to say godo bye to her, adn that is what we are trying to do. I plan on finding a peice of jewlery with what her birthstone would have been and engraving it for her. We also plan a small memorial type service and are going to release balloons with our sentiments and wishes for her tied to them.

We will tell our children abot the sister they enver met adn she will always be a part of our family - in spirit. If we could nto have ehr here with us at lest we know she is watching over us.

DH seems to be almost without feeling about this but I sort of understand - he didn't have the attachment - he never heard the h/b, never had m/s didn't go through the physical things taht I did - ti jsut wasnt' as real to him and I understand his feeling, but he does greive with me adn understands my pain and feeligns of loss. He is being very supportive and strong with me. Slowly I'm getting better - though I knwo I'm a long way from good I'll get there.

I knwothat my spirit girl Eva would not have wanted me to cease living so I will honor her and go on, slowly but I will still go on.

My midwife doesnt' see any reason why I can't go on to have more children and I only need wait one normal cylcle to start trying again but we have decided to take a "lets just see what happens" approach, I will not be charting becuase it stresses me out too much but we will not be avoiding it either. If it is to be then it will and no amount of charting or not charting will change that.

Thank you all for your sweet sweet words, they have been a great comfort to me in these last few most difficult days.

My thanks and blessings to each of you...


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

MSR - thank you for sharing your story. I know this all seems so unreal to you now. It's like a dream you can't wake from.

Feel free to lean on us for support. Do you have some family and friends you can lean on? Please, don't be afraid to ask for the help you need right now. Your body needs rest and healing.

Have you been able to talk with your child about this? How is your family dealing with this loss?

I'll hold you and your dear child in my thoughts.


----------



## Deirdre (Dec 1, 2001)

MSR - I am so sorry to hear about your loss
(((((((((((MommyStormRaven)))))))))))))))

I love the name Eva...a beautiful, beautiful name.....

Blessings to you and your family...


----------

