# 2 yo Broke TV & Everyone is Crying "Spank!"



## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Well, it all started out when my son (33 mo old) wanted to watch a video, I told him he could and went to make a snack. While looking for the video he wanted to watch, he set his key in the space between the screen and the frame (he collects keys and gets more enjoyment out of them than all his other toys combined). When I tried to dislodge the key, it fell inside causing a spark and made the TV not work. My first reaction was dread at how my husband would freak out, and then I got so happy I wanted to go dance and sing on the rooftop the praises of a broken TV! NO more Barney song, no more distraction!! Yeah! Let's throw a party...

Everything went well, my husband didn't flip out and we had a wonderful, TV free evening. We even got to eat dinner without an infernal movie playing and just had a good time.

However, as word spread that our son had wreaked the TV, we started getting comments that we shoud punnish or spank our son. Yeah, my melicious little 2 yo purposly set out to wreak the TV so he couldn't watch Barney and we should beat him to "teach him a lesson."







Well, for one, if I was planning to punnish him(which I feel is inappropriate considering his age and the situation), I would consider the fact that he can't watch TV anymore as plenty sufficient (natural consequence), and he has been told that the keys broke the TV. Last night on the phone the in laws were wondering if we had spanked him yet. Well, hubby took the TV apart to see what had happened and found a whole little key stash in the TV from other times we didn't know about, that combined with his mother yapping in his ear he told me, while still on the phone, that if I ever saw Nathan heading toward the TV with a key, that I had to spank him!

I was soo mad! What business is it of theirs how we dicipline our son, I don't want their interfearance. All they do is get my husband rialed up and willing to spank our son for every little thing percieved as wrong. And I was making so much progress convincing that spanking wasn't the only way....grrrrr! I'm not sure how to get the point across that their interfearing is just hurting our marriage and causing inconsistencies in our dicipline. I'm not the kind of person that can talk to someone and get my point across. A letter seems a little weird, but that is how I express myself best. I really don't want to hurt the in-law relationship either as they are really nice otherwise, this is really the only sore spot for me.

Sorry for being so long, I lost quite a bit of sleep over this one....


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

Well, sounds like a sign to me, you need to just become tv free!! I think I would just not bring it up to them, when he "misbehaves" it is none of their business. You and your dh desperately need to get on the same page. It sounds as if perhaps he is not truly convinced of the reasons not to spank and is just going along with you, so can easily be swayed one way or another. Your son needs you to be consistent, surely your dh will agree with this. Can you perhaps get dh to read some anti-spanking info? I say forget about the il's I personally wouldn't waste my breathe trying to convince them, only trying to convince your dh, that there is NO compromise on this issue- lovingly of course


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

That is just the goofiest thing I have ever heard- how many days ago did this happen? Do they really think that he would make any sort of connection between his keys, breaking the TV, and being hit XX days after the fact? That's just silly.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie*
That is just the goofiest thing I have ever heard- how many days ago did this happen? Do they really think that he would make any sort of connection between his keys, breaking the TV, and being hit XX days after the fact? That's just silly.

It happened the day before yesterday, and yeah the idea is silly trying to do something so long after the fact. But the in-laws are of the opinion that there is only one form of dicipline--spanking. So, in their mind if you don't spank, you don't dicipline.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crunchy_mama*
Well, sounds like a sign to me, you need to just become tv free!! I think I would just not bring it up to them, when he "misbehaves" it is none of their business. You and your dh desperately need to get on the same page. It sounds as if perhaps he is not truly convinced of the reasons not to spank and is just going along with you, so can easily be swayed one way or another. Your son needs you to be consistent, surely your dh will agree with this. Can you perhaps get dh to read some anti-spanking info? I say forget about the il's I personally wouldn't waste my breathe trying to convince them, only trying to convince your dh, that there is NO compromise on this issue- lovingly of course









Yeah, I would love to be TV free, but my husband is a TV freak and has this huge video collection. As it turned out, the part that burned out is not replaceable and will cost about $200 to replace the entire board...I'm hoping that the TV free time we will have until he fixes it or gets another TV will help him see that we can live without it! It is just sad that poor Nathan had to get the blame for breaking it when I have been the one wishing to break it for a loooong time!









I never tell people when Nathan does something he shouldn't, but my husband tells everything to his parents, they are very close. And he isn't the type that would read anything, he's just that way and he is still very convinced of spanking. The only thing that has helped so far is by introducing him to different ways of dicipline that actually work better than a spanking. It seems like he just forgets everything when he talks to his parents. And I'm not trying to sway their opinion, I just want them to keep their opinions to themselves rather than turning my husband against me.

You are right, we really need to get our acts together to be consistent, because I can already see Nathan playing the one against the other game. We don't always agree on what is dicipline worthy either as he runs to either Mommy or Daddy when something is enforced by the other parent. Like, I am specific about bedtimes, and he will run to Daddy to cuddle hoping to stay up later and Daddy will say, "Oh, let him stay up for a while." I don't mind him staying up later to cuddle, but it is Daddy going against what Mommy said in front of Nathan that bothers me (not to mention usually Daddy is watching movies that are inappropriate for younger viewers, thus the bedtime strictness). Sigh...


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie*
That is just the goofiest thing I have ever heard- how many days ago did this happen? Do they really think that he would make any sort of connection between his keys, breaking the TV, and being hit XX days after the fact? That's just silly.

Goofy indeed!

Maybe next time they visit THEY can give him a spanking- that would make just about as much sense...give 'em a call see what they say. "Hi Grandma? you're right, I'm sure if he get's spanked, he'll never break another item in our house again. Why don't you come over and hit him for us?"

Paleez!!! People freakin amaze me.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

That's insanity. Even if I was even remotely okay with spanking, which I am not, that would not be a situation in which to spank. He has done it before, and didn't know it was wrong, so why would he think it was wrong that time? Really, I consider that kind of stuff my fault because I wasn't watching him, you know? (I'm not blaming you - that's how I feel about stuff that happens here at our house.) How the heck is a 2yo supposed to know about keys and tvs? And I think you're right - the natural consequence of the tv being broken is the perfect lesson what happens when you shove keys into the tv!

I don't know the personalities involved, but if that were happening in my family, I would dismiss it as totally ridiculous and so NOT going to happen, that we might as well talk about something else. And I would make sure to say this in front of your child, because he has probably heard everyone talking about how he should be spanked for this.


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## Elowyn (Nov 3, 2003)

Ummm...let's see here. Even if I believed in spanking (which I most assuredly do *not*) how would a consequence many hours or days later teach a two-yr-old anything? They're short-term little people at that age, and no way would he connect a spanking (or a removal of privileges, timeout, etc) with something that happened that long ago!

The grandparents need...well, maybe not a spanking, but certainly a talking-to.








Mama. Definitely enjoy your tv-free time while it lasts!


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Maybe the little one saw one of those KILL YOUR TV bumper stickers.









It's not that surprising. They see us stuffing things in the VCR and they wonder what else can I put in there? (So he saw ANOTHER space and thought, Hmmmm.) Sure you want to set limits but not with violence that will destroy their healthy (usually!) sense of curiosity.

They have little plastic guards for VCRs by the way. Which just shows that you are not alone in having a little one who shoves things into TV spaces. I've heard stories about sticky PB sandwiches....


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## Kinipela79 (Apr 8, 2003)

I know you said your husband wouldn't read anything but here is a great site to check out http://www.nospank.net/authors.htm
and this article 8 Dangerous Myths About Spanking is well worth printing out and putting up on the fridge (or by the phone!)


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## bravofrenchie (Oct 15, 2004)

I agree w/ the PP'ers. The whole concept is just ridiculous. On a :LOL note, though; When my BIL was little, he once stuck a PB&J sandwitch into the VCR.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Ok, the spanking thing is ridiculous.
Cause spanking is always unnecessary.
Cause it has been days.
And esp since this there are easier/better ways to keep keys out of the tv!!!

I have to admit I am freaking out a little about a 2 yo putting metal objects into a tv. I would be worried about electrocution, but that is probably my overprotectiveness and misunderstanding of electronics showing







.

If it were me, I would say to Gma "I'd much rather put some duct tape over the opening to keep keys out than hit my child. I am never going to hit my child. There is always a better solution."


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
I have to admit I am freaking out a little about a 2 yo putting metal objects into a tv. I would be worried about electrocution, but that is probably my overprotectiveness and misunderstanding of electronics showing







.

I figured that someone would freak at the key thing! :LOL Well, the space from where the key actually fell in to the spot where the parts are is quite a lot, so there is no chance at him getting sparked from that. The keys did freak me out at first, but our house is pretty child-proofed other than for that (who'd a thought?) little space in the TV. I just may have to confine the keys to a key ring, which he can't stand, or take them away if we have any other problems.

Now I just need to figure out how to nicely tell the in-laws to keep their child raising advice/critizism to themselves. They will be moving up to this area this summer and I'm getting worried about how things will work out(hubby has already given them permission to spank our children too).


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
(hubby has already given them permission to spank our children too).


ACK!!!









What are you going to do?

I was only kidding when I said "have them come do it!"


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## glendora (Jan 24, 2005)

How irritating. Like, he could have known that keys would break it?









However, maybe attaching a _big_ key ring (they make palm sized stuffed animal ones) to keys would be a good idea. I mean, if he's been sticking them into the TV without you knowing, who knows where else he's put them?


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
(hubby has already given them permission to spank our children too).

can they legally do this if you don't consent? I'd find out and threaten with assault charges. Probably not a good way to keep the peace, but thats just me.

Post on freecycle or whathaveyou for a tv. you never know. I'll bet people will get a kick out of the key story at least.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

This is totally off topic but....I heard a news story on National Public Radio about lead contamination in the Washington DC area....there was lead leaching from public water lines. They said that one of the biggest exposures to children of lead was car keys. I didn't know that. I've never let my little one play with or chew on keys but after hearing that, I definately wouldn't. I never researched it beyond the news story....but wonder if it bears some research.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
Now I just need to figure out how to nicely tell the in-laws to keep their child raising advice/critizism to themselves. They will be moving up to this area this summer and I'm getting worried about how things will work out*(hubby has already given them permission to spank our children too).*

(bold mine)

Oh no!
Time to forget about nice. Time to be *firm*. Your child, your responsibility. You and dh get to decide on the discipline. Gma does not get a say.

How do you feel about dh giving permission for them to spank? I would be outraged!


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer*
This is totally off topic but....I heard a news story on National Public Radio about lead contamination in the Washington DC area....there was lead leaching from public water lines. They said that one of the biggest exposures to children of lead was car keys. I didn't know that. I've never let my little one play with or chew on keys but after hearing that, I definately wouldn't. I never researched it beyond the news story....but wonder if it bears some research.

Thanks for the tip, I had no idea (I was actually more concerned about his plastic toys than the keys). Guess my next move should be to get rid of the keys, going to be a very difficult thing as he is so infactuated with them.
Lead in Keys
http://www.rivcoph.org/cms/keys.htm


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## mommyofshmoo (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
(bold mine)

Oh no!
Time to forget about nice. Time to be *firm*. Your child, your responsibility. You and dh get to decide on the discipline. Gma does not get a say.

How do you feel about dh giving permission for them to spank? I would be outraged!

ITA!!!!!

You need to PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Your dh is married to YOU, not his parents. YOU are the mommy now, not his mommy. DH needs to step up and be a grown man, a husband and a parent. Telling his parents it's OK for them to spank his kids is LUDICROUS. He needs to be the disciplinarian, not let his parents take the reigns or go running to them when things get tough.

I'm sure they are very nice people, but sometimes things are non-negotiable. They need to learn that in your household you (and he) make the rules. and I hate to say it, but DH needs to be the one to say this to them.

If they are as nice as you say, they'll understand that you and your dh need to parent your children together.

I was raised by parents who still deferred to their 'rents. It was awful- totally inconsistant, like being raised by children. Oh- and they became more and more resentful of eachother's families and eventually divorced. When married can't commit to the marriage because they are still busy being children, the marriage is unlikely to work out.

You need to help your husband understand how he would feel if you let your parents undermine his authority and opinion all the time. I bet he'd feel pretty crummy.

Anyway- this is not to get on your case at all. I want to empower you. You need to say "no" to them and if they ask why, say "Because I'm the mommy! Thank's why!"

Remember, the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand the rules the world.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*

Oh no!
Time to forget about nice. Time to be *firm*. Your child, your responsibility. You and dh get to decide on the discipline. Gma does not get a say.

How do you feel about dh giving permission for them to spank? I would be outraged!

I didn't like it at all. I overheard a phone conversation once where hubby said: "If Nathan ever needs it, you have my permission to spank him." At the time I didn't worry about it too much because they live so far away and we only get to see them about once a year, but now they are moving up nearby and it may become an issue. I don't think I would ever be comfortable letting them babysit, even though I love them and think they are great inlaws in other ways. I wish that they would say something to me instead of hubby, that would give me a great opportunity to say something instead of just getting upset. I just want them to let us parent our own children, period!!

I agree with you, I do not think that they should have a say in how or if we dicipline our children. I'm really not used to the idea of interfearance either, as my grandparents or parents are not the type to butt into other people's business even if they disagree.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

No, do not tell the ILs that they can spank the baby. (a 33 month old is a baby.) Speak up! Tell your dh that he shouldn't have said that and ask him to phone them to tell them that he was _joking_.

It sounds like you have a wonderful, curious little boy who broke the television by accident. There is no imaginable universe in which a spanking would be justified. You don't punish children for things they do by accident, you don't punish toddlers days after whatever they did, and spanking is cruel and should be unusual punishment.

In any case, punishment is just _stupid_ for a child that age.

Okay now I have to go find all the keys and make sure they aren't wedged into the stereo...


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I want to offer you all the support and encouragement I can to stick to your no-spanking policy. My oldest two (twins) are ten now and oh, if I could go back and re-do their younger years. I was very opposed to spanking, but my husband wore me down by the time they were two. They weren't spanked very often, but enough that it has had a real effect on them. We are paying a heavy price now for the way we disciplined them then. My son rages for hours at a time, screaming at me and attacking me. I know there are many factors, but I have no doubt that our (former) authoritarian style is a BIG contributing factor. He has been able to articulate for me what he was feeling during some of the spanking episodes, and I feel so strongly now about it that I urge you to physically intervene if your husband or in-laws ever try to spank your son. He has to know that his mommy will protect him, no matter what. It has been several years since he has been spanked (I finally got my husband to stop), but the damage is still there. I am so grateful that at least we are healing our relationship with him now, before he's 15 and the stakes are much higher. Oh, the emotional hurt he experienced as a sensitive little boy when he was spanked, just picture your son as a ten year-old, able to explain to you clearly what was going through his mind at the time. Maybe it would help to share with your husband what can happen a few years down the road. Also Aletha Solter's work is very helpful in this area. Her web site is awareparenting.com and her books Tears & Tantrums and Helping Young Children Flourish have been so wonderful for us as we look for specifics about how to avoid punishment and create a respectful relationship with our children.

Keep up the good work, your son is so blessed to have you!


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

"They will be moving up to this area this summer and I'm getting worried about how things will work out(hubby has already given them permission to spank our children too)."

Whoa! That has to be stopped. How long have they lived far away from you?

Not to sound snotty, but, it's easy to be nice when you don't see someone that often, things will change in a BIG way when they live near you, and the very fact that they are getting permission to hit your son before even spending a lot of time with them speaks volumes, and that's not very nice.

You and your husband are the parents here, you have to be a united front, the scene you described with him on the phone with them - in regards to the TV- would have astounded me.

Do you have an independant relationship with them? I think you may need to start talking with his mother yourself, so that she knows that there's no way that she's hitting your child. Be as "nice" as you have to to get the point across, but, be firm.

Your husband should NOT be including Mommy and Daddy in on everything, no matter how close they are, how would he feel if you were giving him "man" and "father" tips while on the phone with your Father???? It's the same thing.

And, yes, there's no way that the situation could have ever required a spanking. I hope you enjoy your TV FREE TIME! Turn off your TV week is coming up next month, maybe you can participate!

Good Luck!


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## peaceful herbivore (Mar 17, 2005)

It is well established in our home that anyone who so much as lays a hand on our child (in a negative way, hugs don't count duh lol) will not be welcome in our lives or our child's life. Grandma, the Pope, whoever.

We feel very strongly about spanking and will not tolerate it in any aspect or situation. If the people in our lives can't respect that, even if they disagree, well, unfortunate for them.


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## mountain (Dec 12, 2001)

I would never allow anyone to hit my children. If my dh offered up permission for someone else to hit my children, I don't know if I could stand him. That's sick.

When my 2 yo broke my computer by busting the power switch, turning it on & off while I was in the bathroom, I told her she was not allowed to touch the computer without me there, and told her it was broken. We had no computer for a while until this recent laptop, and now she's older.

She was just doing her job as a 2 year old.


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## morgainesmama (Sep 1, 2004)

Dealing with in-laws is hard. My mother in law and I had a negative relationship for years, she undermining me at every step, until I began to be firm with her. It took time, but I commanded respect from her. I was 21 when I had my first, and our parents had a hard time respecting that I was, in fact, not only an adult but a mother.

Consider calling your in-laws, and telling them that you're very sorry that somehow you haven't communicated with them that you are raising your son in a violent free manner, and that although you love them and so does your son, you would respectfully ask that they stop suggesting hitting your baby. Try not to put her on the defensive, maybe something like, "I have considered spanking him (whether this is true or not) but I have learned so much about how harmful it is. If you're interested, I can print some stuff up and send it off to you." Tell them they are putting your husband in a difficult spot, wanting to please both them and you. Tell them you're looking forward to a closer relationship when they move nearby, but that since you'll be seeing them more often, you'd like to be on the same page. Whatever it is. Now might also be the time, since the can of worms is open, to approach any other issues you might have -- violent toys, whatever.

And, make it clear to your husband that hitting is not allowed in your house, and that if any adult ever hits your child, you will call the police. Or whatever.

Those 2yos are so intent on learning how the world works! I wish they'd learn to read already and just sit down with a stack of how-to manuals! :LOL


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I saw the Wayans family on Oprah a while ago (I love TV) talking about their mother and growing up with such a big family (8-10?). One of the brothers told a story about a teacher swatting him at school (dad had told the teacher she could) when he told his mother she ran down to the school with only half her hair done and laid down the law. When the teacher said that the dad had given permission the mom told her that when he had carried a baby and pushed that baby out of his body then he could let the teacher swat that kid.

I think it's OUTRAGEOUS that your dh gave your spank-happy ILs permission to spank your son when they felt the need. It seems like they will be finding frequent need and want to spank for things even reasonable spanking families would never spank for. I think this is a HUGE problem and was HORRIBLY DISRESPECTFUL of your dh. It is one thing to debate with you as a co-parent but to give his parents permission to do something that you feel is wrong and don't want as part of your homelife.... I think you need to talk to your dh and straighten this out before they see your child. He should be the one to tell his parents NO spanking EVER but if he won't I would not hesitate to make it CRYSTAL clear that they are NEVER under any circumstances to EVER hit your child. It is our jobs to protect our children and politeness and peace out the window- I would have no problem stepping in front of anyone who ever thought they were going to hit my child. Dad, grandparents, teacher, kid next door.....WHOEVER- IT WOULD BE ON!!


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Thanks again for all the helpful advice everyone.

Update on the in-laws. Well, they have moved up here now and things are going great for now. He, he, he, and guess what? Nathan has just been an almost perfect little angel everytime we have visited with them so far and they have been so impressed with how good he is and the cute stuff he does. :LOL We didn't spank him for breaking the TV and guess what.....he really DIDN'T turn into a little house-wreaking maniac...







...what do you know!







Life is good!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

And..........stop talking to them so much! Don't tell them when he "misbehaves." To you it's just a cute little story that you want to share, but to them it's another reason to go crazy!!!!!!!!


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## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
So, in their mind if you don't spank, you don't dicipline.

I think that is soooo common.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A*
And..........stop talking to them so much! Don't tell them when he "misbehaves." To you it's just a cute little story that you want to share, but to them it's another reason to go crazy!!!!!!!!

I never did.....it was hubby who liked to spill the beans. He is waaay close to his parents and talks to them a bit more than I feel appropriate for a married person.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

If you get another TV and it has the same opening type thing, use Ductape to close it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I've heard people suggest this kind of thing before. What they're thinking is that you should respond to the seriousness of the action as if it was done by an adult and as if it was done on purpose, but punish with the full understanding that the child is a child and powerless. So if your child was an adult and had broken your tv on purpose you would be very upset but you probably wouldn't hit, but given that you are the parent and the child is powerless you do have that option. It doesn't make sense because of course the child doesn't understand that a TV is expensive, that what he was doing might break it, that playing with the TV can hurt it, etc. And then of course to do it so far after the fact! How can a child that young understand the relationship? And to use physical violence! Ack! I understand your frustration having to deal with these people telling you how to discipline your child.


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

Sickos that spank children for little accidents like that should be locked up. There is no excuse for it other than ignorance, immaturity or sadism.

As for the husband giving permision to 3rd parties to spank, I'd make clear that "you" would bring criminal charges against the anyone that asults or threatens asult on your child.

Never mind that they are inlaws.

Be Mother Tiger!

a


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