# Is refusing to prepare 2 meals unreasonable?



## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

Okay, I made shepherd's pie last weekend, and DD refused to even take a bite of it. I reheated some for dinner last night, and again. This was accompanied by a huge temper tantrum.

Was it unreasonable of me to refuse to prepare her something else until I was finished eating my dinner? I mean, she was hungry but refused to eat my cooking, so after I was done I fixed her a bowl of cereal. I ask for her input for some meals, often give 2 choices of what we should make/prepare, but if I spend an hour making something, I expect to not have to turn around and make something else.

She's 2 1/2.


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

We ALL ate spicy ma po tofu w/ green beans, bamboo shoots, bok choy over ramen noodles for dinner. With watermelon on the side.
My 3 year old happily eats everything. My 2 year old isn't quite as easy, but I know that, so I leave out the bamboo shoots and the bok choy on his for the most part, and give him a smaller amount of watermelon. He's learned to like the green beans because I've just kept offering them EVERY TIME, so I hope he'll do the same with the rest. He'd never starve though, since we eat healthy and sometimes not-quite healthy snacks between meals. He's a big eater though, and I definitely won't make a special meal for him.
Now if I'm making a very spicy curry or something truly bizarre, I'll make something else for the boys. But generally they don't get separate meals, though maybe an extra vegetable or fruit in a more child-friendly presentation (ie. a carrot stick instead of Viennese sauteed carrots).

- Krista


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## Mybabymommy (Mar 12, 2006)

Boy oh boy oh boy do I have a refusing to eat story I could tell LOL

Anyway, here, with one picky eater, I have a few simple things I do.

One, I do not make things that I know will be an issue. example: when making spaggetti, I leave a portion unsaused for her. I don't use (visible anyway) onions.

Two, meals are as much about quality time as they are about nutrition and sustinance. If she really wants carrot sticks or cereal over the "ÿummy" dinner mommy made, she can knock herself out!!! With healthy snacks during the day, there really is no reason for a big meal in the evening anyway IMO


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Seems reasonable to me. DD is 16 months old and she helps me pick out what we're having for dinner most nights; already if she then chooses not to eat it, we ask her to wait a couple minutes until we at least get a bite or two in before we make her something else, and it's always something simple like cereal. (We do a lot of one-pot meals; when we don't, she gets more of a side dish instead, and that we can do right away because it's already made.) I imagine as she gets older, that wait time will get longer.


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## Vanessa (Feb 26, 2005)

I don't make a separate meal for my 2.5 yo either. I will serve him portions of the meal in a way that he might like better. I just make sure he has stuff to eat at regular intervals. At least I know he won't starve. Dinnertime seems to be his absolute worst time of the day for eating whereas he will almost always eat a whole breakfast.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

It can take several times for a child to try something before they like it.........

I would have let her have the cereal or something no-cook and easy and nutrious. Then work on praising her when she tries things. If she tries it and doesn't like it say "Thank you for trying it" then let it go.

2 year olds can be so quirky.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I have prepared separate meals, usually it's an easy mac-n-cheese or yogurt with fruits, so it takes about 15 extra minutes and I'd trade a tantrum for 15 minutes of my time any day.

Especially if DD would refuse to eat it before, I would not expect her to start liking it in a few days.
And yes, I did expect her to change her mind about every 5 seconds.
And yes, I do fix the meal for her (anybody in my family) before I eat myself.

Now she is big enough (5.5yo) to get a replacement herself, but it is rarely necessary, because as she grew, she started stating her likes/dislikes more articulately and changes her mind way less.


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

Wow, I am impressed that so many of your toddlers will eat what you're eating. Not my ds. He went from eating everything he was given at 12 mos to eating very few foods in the past year. If I only offered him what we are eating, he'd refuse to eat. Every meal we offer our ds what we're having, but it is rare that he will even try it. In addition to what we're having, I always offer a few foods that are easy to prepare and that he generally likes (e.g. froz peas, cheese, yogurt, chicken nuggets, hotdogs, fruit, bread, cereal, pb), even if it's not the healthiest stuff. But tonight, for example, I gave him chicken, which he normally likes, and he wouldn't eat a bite of it. Instead he wanted pretzels dipped in ketchup







He can also change his mind about 6 times in a few minutes about what he wants. So my strategy is to try to find something, anything, that he will eat.


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## Harper (Jul 10, 2003)

I have a very picky eater. She is always very interested in what we are having for dinner and then usually asks for something different. The rule around here is that she has to try something and if she doesn't like it she can have an easy no cook substiute--cereal and milk, fruit or toast with nut butter. I want her to sit at the table and spend time with us without fighting. This is the solution that works for us. I have been really happy lately that she has actually added a couple of things into her diet!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

We always serve something that I know they will eat. Even if it is just a peice of toast. carrots sticks without dip are always an option also. othwerwise it is just what we are eating. they can eat it or not but I don't make more or ofer treats. And I definitely am not going to cook a second meal (if they want leftovers that is negotiable.) part of thep roblem is I have three and if I make somehting different for one, the other may decided she likes that option better even if the original meal was fine before there were options. and then she should get what she wants bcause he other person gpot to pick. and we don't have money in the grocery budget to spare. So wasting what I made is not an option. My youngest is three and she gets a little more flexbility with the rule. first she is very very god about trying something before saying it is icky. i am also more concerned about her skipping a meal than I am the older ons. but we are gradually moving towards the take it or leave it rule. and they all have surprisingly good attitudes about it. And for the most part I do try to serve stuff they like. Like I said . .we can't afford to waste. might as well go with something they have a chance of liking.


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## ehsclt (Mar 11, 2005)

I have a 4.5 year old who once ate anything we presented to her. For the last two years or so, she's prefered her few favorite foods. Our 2.5 year old will eat anything, the more exotic, the better!!

With the 4.5 year old, I just insist that she try something before rejecting it. About 30% of the time she tries a bite of something that looks unappealing to her, she ends up liking it. The other 70% of the time, after her one bite, she is welcome to get herself some cereal and have me or DH get her her choice of frozen vegetable. Or she can always have a pb sandwich with veggies and she knows that. I don't make a second meal for her, but like several of the pps, if I can alter some of what I'm making to make it more likely to appeal to her, I do it.

The only options in our house are healthy ones. WE don't buy foods that aren't healthy, and, therefore, I am quite comfortable having my picky dd just choose from what is available. And, I hope that one day she becomes more adventurous with foods.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

We have a 'menu' 5 days a week that everyone had a say in. So everyone likes it*(sun-rice and beans and veg,mon-soup,tue-burritos,wed-spaguetti,fri-**fish).* 2 other days is when i make unusual meals or try new recipes (like a shephards pie







, indian food, jamaican,my choice etc) My kids will pick at that so I always have frozen pot pies or pizza for them on those nights or we will go to a restaurant or carry out. I don't like the frustration around dinner time it gives me indigestion.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I make a nutritious soup that DD loves and freeze it in one-cup portions. When DD is unhappy with what I have made for dinner, I heat one of those up for her.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

The rule is our house is that once dinner is on the table, Mom isn't getting up until her dinner is eaten. If the kids don't like dinner, they are free to get up and find themselves an easy (cereal, PB&J, cheese, yoghurt) for themselves. They have been capable of this since they were able to sit at the table instead of a highchair, just about the time they turned 2. With a little planning about where stuff is kept, you should be able to direct from the table if need be./


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## alley cat (Mar 18, 2006)

I try not to make meals a battle ground. I will make them something else as long as it's easy like baked beans, noodles [which they tend to want] I never force my children to eat what they don't want , too many bad memories from my childhood, being forced to eat things that made me gag.
I do feel a bit frustrated that all they seem to eat is noodles, and cans of bbeans or spag, though other times they happily eat what is given them. They both love potatoes and my dd loves tomatoes so they get them often. I feel if they are full of energy and don't look run down [except when sick ] they must be getting what they need, they both love bananas and apples.


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

i would totally fix them something else, something easy. especially if i knew ahead of time they didn't like it or just won't eat it. if mine don't like it i will usually give them some food for life toast with almond butter and fruit, which they will always go for. but i'd never make them sit and watch me eat while they were hungry.


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## Oh the Irony (Dec 14, 2003)

i don't think it is unreasonable for you not to get up until you have eaten.

but if my child rejected the food one night, i would not plan on it being the meal later in the week. i would have something else to serve.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom*
The rule is our house is that once dinner is on the table, Mom isn't getting up until her dinner is eaten. If the kids don't like dinner, they are free to get up and find themselves an easy (cereal, PB&J, cheese, yoghurt) for themselves. They have been capable of this since they were able to sit at the table instead of a highchair, just about the time they turned 2. With a little planning about where stuff is kept, you should be able to direct from the table if need be./

This is sort of how it is at our house too. DS can always have an apple or something if he doesn't like what's for dinner. If he wants something more involved, like a sandwich, I'll make it for him after dinner. But that's just how we do it, it has never been an issue or a source of conflict. If DS really wanted a bowl of cereal and seemed to be getting upset about it, I'd get up and get it for him. I don't consider cereal to be "making 2 dinners". I don't even really consider cereal "making" anything, lol. If he wanted macaroni and cheese, though, that would be a different story. In fact I can't really see myself making mac and cheese even after I was done eating. One dinner a night is my limit.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

At our house everyone eats what is on the table. I do not make a seperate meal and nothing else is offered. No jumping up by them or me to get cereal of yougurt.

BUT I always have at least something on the table that everyone likes.

So if it its fish (which my oldest dd does not like) its served with something that she does like spinach, mushrooms, rice and fresh fruit.

If its steak (which dh does not like) its served with some of his favorites like broccoli, carrots, and baked beans.

Each of my dd's chooses the main course one night per week and assists in planning that meal.

I am 100 percent convinced that children become better healthier and less fussy eaters when they percieve themselves as eating what is served vs. having something else (even if its an "easy" peanut butter sandwich).

This does take more effort at meal planning but I have found it to be totally worth it. (And dd who does "not like fish", has taken to trying and eating the salmon I make because its there and there is NO pressure to try anything.

If a child does not feel that they must be "rescued" from what is on the table they percieve IME the whole experience differently.


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## Linda in OZ (Sep 14, 2003)

It has only been the last 12 months or so that mine have started being particular about what they eat. DS nearly 11 always ate what we ate, until he stopped eating particular things because of how they look, smell, texture, not necessarily taste though. DS 7 1/2 of course copies him. They just pick out what they don't want and happily consume the rest. DD 13 months will eat whatever I give her, she's a bit of a grub with her food







I sometimes wonder if it stems from what we feed them when first on solids. I never prepared special meals for our babies, I would just take out their vegies before I added any spicy flavours or whatever.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

I'm with Maya.

Quote:

At our house everyone eats what is on the table. I do not make a seperate meal and nothing else is offered. No jumping up by them or me to get cereal of yougurt.

BUT I always have at least something on the table that everyone likes.
And it's pretty much always been that way at our house. There are certain things that we don't even bother with anymore, 'cuz the kids have tried it many times & they always decline- eggplant & mushrooms spring to mind. There are other foods that one child likes, & the other doesn't, so we try & balance meals accordingly from night to night.

.....

I love food- I love unusual tastes, & textures, & strange eating experiences. I love trying new things, & I hope that that pleasure in food is passed on to my children. I want them to be adventurous in what they will eat, & I love being able to take them to restaurants & say, 'no thank you, we don't need a children's menu. We would like an entree served for them instead.' I love seeing my children snarfle down things like herbed duck sausages on mashed potatoes with spinach & gravy. Yum, yum. SOmetimes they even let me try a bite, but only if I share too.









I also make an effort to teach them which foods have protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, & such in them. Protein is particularly important for my DD to learn, as she is not fond of meat. And she knows, too, because I will say 'I think you should have a bit of steak, because you haven't had much protein today', & she replies 'But I had an egg sandwich for lunch & cashews for afternoon tea.' Which I had forgotten, of course.







In that case, yeah, I can see why she feels she's had enough protein for the day, & it's no biggie if she only wants salad & potato for dinner.

That's just a little example, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try to actively educate my kids about their food choices, & whilst I think I do pressure them somewhat to make healthy decisions, I always give them clear reasons for why I take the stand that I do. If that makes any sense......









And just to make clear, we don't force our kids to eat _anything_, we just try to argue our case persuasively & hope for the best. And if they find dinner really repulsive, well, there's always a piece of fruit & a glass of milk. Doesn't tend to happen very often, & they will generally make up for it at breakfast- unless they are coming down sick (which is generally why they have a light dinner the night before).


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

The "Picky Eater" issue has been discussed many times here. In our house, I just care that everyone eats. I don't care if I have to make three different things as long as we all eat.

I think that people put too much stress on the idea that the kids need to eat what is being served. As long as a range of healthy foods are on hand, let the child choose from those offerings.

I want my son to have a good relationship with food. I want him to know that he never has to eat something he doesn't like. While I do encourage him to experiment and to taste foods he hasn't had, I don't force him to eat anything. He doesn't like some textures or flavors. That's okay. I don't either.

I guess, basically, my attitude, is who cares. Let's just eat something.


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## KA29 (Jan 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom*
The rule is our house is that once dinner is on the table, Mom isn't getting up until her dinner is eaten. If the kids don't like dinner, they are free to get up and find themselves an easy (cereal, PB&J, cheese, yoghurt) for themselves. They have been capable of this since they were able to sit at the table instead of a highchair, just about the time they turned 2. With a little planning about where stuff is kept, you should be able to direct from the table if need be./

That's how we do things too. I store 'easy' food...cereal, yogurt, cheese. sandwhich making items very accessible to 4 year old dd (who is very picky and somewhat unpredictable in what she will eat). If I am making something that has an easy modification for her (like sauceless spaghetti), I do that. And if I am making something dh and I like but that I know she wouldn't eat if her life depended on it, then I will usually make something simple I know she likes.

But most of the time, if she doesn't like dinner, she is free to go choose something out of the fridge or pantry that she prefers. There's no stigma attached...In fact, I think it's great if she problem solves by making herself something she prefers. But I just don't want to get in the habit of making separate meals.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

I hear what you are saying mirlee, I want my children to have a good relationship with food, too. I guess I just can't imagine taking the time to prepare two (or three) different delicious & healthy meals to suit everyone in the family. When I cook, it takes me a while, & I'd be cooking for hours & hours if I were making different things. Hell, I'd want to be paid to run a kitchen like that!









I guess I don't want to eat just anything, I want us all to eat yummy things!! Taste, as one of the five senses, is overlooked, imo. I would not povide my kids with a barren visual landscape; nor would I provide them with a tasteless one.

NOT saying that is the case for anyone who posts a different pov, btw. Just trying to explain part of my way of looking at the food thing.... as I sit here eating juicy, freshly sliced pineapple from a local farm...


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## mommaJ (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *colleen95*
Wow, I am impressed that so many of your toddlers will eat what you're eating. Not my ds. He went from eating everything he was given at 12 mos to eating very few foods in the past year. If I only offered him what we are eating, he'd refuse to eat. Every meal we offer our ds what we're having, but it is rare that he will even try it. In addition to what we're having, I always offer a few foods that are easy to prepare and that he generally likes (e.g. froz peas, cheese, yogurt, chicken nuggets, hotdogs, fruit, bread, cereal, pb), even if it's not the healthiest stuff. But tonight, for example, I gave him chicken, which he normally likes, and he wouldn't eat a bite of it. Instead he wanted pretzels dipped in ketchup







He can also change his mind about 6 times in a few minutes about what he wants. So my strategy is to try to find something, anything, that he will eat.

I'm right there with you. Though my DD won't eat nearly as many items as you have mentioned. I now ALWAYS make her her own dinner, and of course offer her ours as well (she never tries it). It has saved my time and patience in the end. Breakfast foods she loves, its only dinner foods she has issues with.

I miss the days when she ate a variety of foods!


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

Just wanted to be clear that I haven't FORCED DD to eat anything. I simply refuse to prepare an alternative until I'm done eating. The only reason I offered the same dish twice was because she refused to even taste it before declaring it was "yucky". She's been doing this a lot lately. It's kind of a problem because I'm a one-dish-meal kind of cook. Lots of casseroles, stir-fries, etc. I served chili and cornbread the other night, DD declared the chili to be "yucky" and only ate cornbread, which was fine. But when it's a casserole...argh. Half the problem is she changes her mind from one meal to another. She'll eat half a pot pie one time I make it, then the next time declare it "yucky" and refuse, then a week later devour it again. She's not so much picky as fickle.

And she usually wants junk food instead.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

I don't mean to sound like a mean momma, but there's no junk food option in our house- the kids would not even imagine that they could have chips or ice cream or whatever instead of dinner.

I love one-pot-wonders for dinner as well, & have also found that my kids didn't like the mixing of different foods much when they were toddlers. They seemed to really need discreet piles of different things, which was a pain at times, but doable. Instead of chicken veggie stir fry, you might steam the broccoli, grill the chicken, & make a sauce to go on top of it all with rice. Yk? That way, you get to eat decent food, & your toddler gets to have separate piles... but heaven forbid should the sauce spread to the rice!! I can think of dramas here where such a thing has happened, & it felt tragic at the time, I am sure. But they did outgrow it.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Despite always being offered an alternative when she does not like the meal, my dd is still a very adventurous eater. She tries things many adults will not even consider. However, I do always get her something else if she does not like what is being served with dinner. She does not have to try anything either. I do not expect her (or me or dh) to eat just side dishes if she does not like the main course, And yes I do give it to her so that she can eat it while we all eat rather than wait until i am done. Since I have a child (and a selectively picky dh) in the house, I simply prepare ahead for this situation. Anyone is always welcome to help themselves to a sandwich if they want. I always keep single serve frozen soups and stews in the freezer as well as frozen homemade lentil-walnut burgers. Plus there is almost always leftovers from another meal in the fridge. Any of those things takes no more than 5 minutes to prepare (with most being more like 1 minute). If I have made a big meal and I seem a little disappointed that it was rejected by dd, dh is always nice enough to let me sit while he prepares soemthing else for dd. It is no big deal. I was a VERY picky eater growing up. My parents never made me eat anything but they did the "you will eat what is on the table" thing and I went to bed hungry many many nights. Sometimes it was even foods that I normally liked but did not that day for whatever reason. I never complained because I knew it was "non-negotiable" so I am sure my parents just thought I had a tiny appetite. This lead me to having a VERY unhealthy attitude about food that took years to undo. I figure, my job is to nourish my family, not teach them my idea of a lesson. Also, I do serve a previously rejected food item again if we have leftovers. The deal is the same. Dd does not have to even try it. But remarkably, even though she was not forced to eat it the first time, she almost always tries it the second time, usually finishing it and not asking for something else. I would really hate to be limitted by only serving things I know dd will like in an effort to keep the alternate meal requests at bay. How is she going to expand her horizons if I did that?


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Hmmm..... Yooper, you've got me thinking about a number of things. I don't know what I would do if DH was a 'picky' eater- I think I would find that very frustrating. Fortunately he will eat anything I cook, & likewise. He is a very good cook, too, so that helps.









I don't remember having any issues about food until I hit puberty (about 12). That's when my eating choices really went to crap, & I sometimes wonder now how I ever survived it. I think that was primarily driven by 'values' promoted by media, & by my own media/socially driven mother. When I checked out of that social paradigm at about age 19 (16 years ago!), it all seemed to stop. I started to discover that I could love all kinds of food (in reasonable amounts) & not get 'fat'. I guess that's probably part of what drives my passion for good food today. I haven't checked my cholesterol count.









I don't want to teach my kids a lesson in the punitive sense, I want to teach them lessons in the positive sense, yk? We eat healthy foods all day long, so I don't really worry about the kids eating lightly at dinner one night. If it was a continuing thing, night after night, where they ate very little & didn't complain, I'd be seriously concerned.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

Just wanted to further clarify that DD doesn't go to bed hungry. We often have a snack an hour and a half or so before dinner, if dinner is going to take long to prepare, and if she rejects the meal, I fix her something else once I am done eating.

I am hypoglycemic, and get very, very grouchy if I'm hungry and can't eat because of someone else's demands. I was just kind of wondering if I was being unreasonable to DD. If she's not hungry when get out something to eat, she'll often want to nurse, preventing me from eating, or try to drag me off to play, preventing me from eating... I'm just wondering if putting myself first for fifteen minutes when I'm hungry and the food is hot is unreasonable. I didn't do it when DD was a baby, but she's 2 1/2 and has some grasp of empathy, some of the time.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

My DS is free to find something else to eat if he doesn't like what's being served, and he is also a very adventurous and healthy eater. We have never had a food battle at our house, ever. I am also in the camp of "who cares, let's just all eat something." Although I do have to add that I can only think of one actual instance when he didn't eat *anything* that was for dinner and ended up having peanut butter after we had all finished eating. So maybe I am not the best person to respond to this thread, since it's mainly academic for me. We are lucky to have avoided food issues so far, at least with DS. Maybe that will not be the case with DD. Although I am sure DS's good eating habits are wholly due to my excellence as a parent, so she'll probably be fine.









I also want to add that I agree with the practice of making sure there is at least one thing everyone likes on the table at dinner time. That's just common sense, IMO, and just basic respect for other people. I am sure nobody here is forcing their DCs to eat food they don't like, on principle (like I was as a child).









Also, though I am pretty relaxed about DS's food choices, I would not let DS eat potato chips for dinner instead of whatever I had made.

OK, I'm done.


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## Momma Aimee (Jul 8, 2003)

DS is exclusively BM at this point.

However

I do NOT think it is al all unreasonsable to sit and eat your meal once the family is fed, and not jump up. I also think it is perfec tly fine -- if you ha ve made a meal taking in to consideration everyone likes and dislikes as much as possible -- for you to say "this is dinner, and there will be no speicl orders". I think this teaches the child, or children, mom is a person too deserving respect and a hot meal, not a servent.

Based on how DH and I grew up our rules will be .................we've talked about this as i had some food issues in college and we have a neice who rules the roost around food and her parents jump waaay tooo much.............

1. there will be someing on the table that everyone like (even if it is the carrot sticks). I will try to present food appealing for the children, making their chilie without chunks of tomoto or whatever when possible (that is taking out their servings before finishing a dish or whatever). if the child decided TODAY they do not like the "liked food" -- fine, that is their choice, but i will not jump up to get the new request.

2. everyone will try each dish before refuseing it based on name or sight or past espereince. (the non-spicy stuff, DH loves spice, i do not, kids will not have to try dad's hot curry, if mom won't eat it they don't have to).

3. we will keep intrudceing the same 'disliked" items again and again as it can take like 20 tires before a child comes to like something. Or try it different wway -- steamed, raw, with cheese, in a salid.....

4. the only time the kids get a dffferent meal than the adults is if the adult are having a grown up only food (steak when the kids are little or something). this is an adult choice.

5. We will eat lots of healthy snacks and so on -- if a child decideds to eat only carrots for dinner, i am confidnet they will not starve or be ill effected.

6. Kids will eat when they get hunery. Worrying too much about what they do or don't eat gives them a power to mess with momma with...oh you WANT me to eat, hummmm then I won't.............ohhh you'll make me a new meal, what about now, and now, what about this and this and this...........

7. giveing kids too much control makes them feel unsafe; if they KNOW momma will jump at every demand (I want PBJ then when PBJ and is in front of them, ok i will grilled cheses...) they do not feel secure.

8. Food si not a battle ground; eat or don't, your choice.

All in all -- Momma youa re not a slave, you are a mom. you present a healthy meal to your family and then you should get to eat it with them.

Aimee


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ravin*
I'm just wondering if putting myself first for fifteen minutes when I'm hungry and the food is hot is unreasonable.

I think you are a terrible mother - how dare you put your own basic need for food ahead of your DD's desire to play! Don't you know that play is essential for your DD's healthy development? She'll probably grow up to be an axe murderer now. Please go flagellate yourself with a rolled up copy of Mothering for 20 minutes.

Hee hee.


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I don't make separate meals for everyone. I do make some accomodations for different kids as I'm cooking, such as no sauce on some of the spaghetti. One of my girls is a vegetarian. I'll make some vegetarian chicken nuggets or something like that along with the meat. She'll eat these and the other side dishes that are on the table. I also make foods that I know they like, so it's not an issue of them hating everything on the table. They don't have to eat everything, but there will be at least 2 things on the table that each of them does like. They are free to pick and choose which of the foods they want to eat and leave the rest.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

A snack always offerred before bed would solve the problem of "going to bed hungry" yet not interfere with the family meal.

This is what we always did. We had a long list of accpetable snack foods (maybe 20 or so: cheese, peanut butter, crackers, cereal, fruit, raisins, even soup) and they could choose whatever they wanted. Dinner was at 6:00 and snack was offered two hours later. Most of the time they did not want anything but this would certainly allow for a "eat what's on the table" policy while ensuring no one goes to bed hungry

This last snack is part of the routine of Ellyn Sater whose methods we follow.

Now its moot. The girls have not in the past 5 or 6 years wanted a snack before bed, they have eaten ennough at dinner!


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wolfmama*
i don't think it is unreasonable for you not to get up until you have eaten.

but if my child rejected the food one night, i would not plan on it being the meal later in the week. i would have something else to serve.

Now, see... I WOULD. Just because my dd rejects something once, doesn't mean she will the second time.

In our house, dinner is dinner and what's put on the table is for everyone to eat unless there are actual dietary restrictions (none here). I involve dd in the preparation, we eat only whole foods made from scratch (nothing boxed), and it's healthy. I think the OP is in the right mind. I believe that when you put the effort into cooking a meal, children should respect that and eat what you put in front of them... even if it isn't their favorite or what they are in the mood to eat. You wouldn't go to someone's house as a guest and say, "Oh, I wasn't in the mood for fish tonight. I want beef. Fix me a steak." When dd is old enough to cook, she will get to prepare what she wants and likewise, if it's something I'm not fond of, I'll eat it and appreciate the love that went into it.


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## Oh the Irony (Dec 14, 2003)

i would certainly offer it again velochic. i would just not count on the child eating it and would have a reliable back-up in place.

and the child not tasting the food doesn't bother me. i can know if i don't want something because of the smell.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mirlee*
I guess, basically, my attitude, is who cares. Let's just eat something.









and then get on with some more interesting stuff in this life! I sometimes feel that food everything (i.e - preparation, serving, eating, cleaning after) takes more than half of our free time.

And I too get grouchy while hungry. But - I discovered that I can eat a stick of ceery or even a cup of yogurt *while* cooking, and voi la I don't have to make hungry DD wait till I am done eating (even if she is being picky, unreasonable, stubborn, what-have-you)


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## lilsishomemade (Feb 12, 2005)

I put so little importance on dinner, really. I have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old and have never had a food battle with either of them. We eat throughout the day, healthy things, and I treat dinner the same way, just another opportunity to refuel if you need it. I don't do special orders. I make things with everyone in mind, but both of my boys will try anything (my 3 yr old loves lemons and has since he was two.) So, if they decide they don't want it, fine, I give them seconds of what they do eat, then we go on. We have a snack before bet, also, so they don't go to bed hungry. I take them not eating as a sign that they aren't hungry and that's it. Also, I have these two and a 1 1/2 wk old baby that I'm nursing, so I do make time to sit down and refuel. If anyone needs anything, I let them know, I am eating and when I am done, I will be happy to help you. Patience is not a horrible thing to learn, especially when you are not being unreasonable and are respectful.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I ask my picker eater, "Are you going to eat this?" If he says yes, then I do not get up and fix something else if he changes his mind (though he is welcome to get up and get yogurt or cereal.) If he tells me in advance, "No, I'm not going to eat that," then I have no problem fixing him something simple on the side like a pb&j so that we can all enjoy sitting down together.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wolfmama*
i would certainly offer it again velochic. i would just not count on the child eating it and would have a reliable back-up in place.

and the child not tasting the food doesn't bother me. i can know if i don't want something because of the smell.

Only 2 months ago, an acquaintance served a salad that smelled horrible and looked worse. I ate it to be polite. It's now one of my favorite salads. People who love the smell of coffee hate it. I guess I just think that both children and adults alike need to try things many times to establish a real opinion. You cannot trust first impressions or smell.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

At 2.5, I would not have made ds wait for a bowl of cereal since it takes about 60 seconds to prepare. I try to make sure there is something that my ds considers edible at the table. I will cook him something else easy after I eat if he wants something different. I do make him wait until I have drunk my morning coffee and had breakfast before I will play with him though I wasn't able to do that when he was 2 because he had sleep inertia (woke up incredibly groggy and had to be held and walked around for up to an hour). So I try to balance our needs, essentially.


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## pinkmilk (Nov 27, 2005)

I agree with maya44. Maybe it's not an AP style but I feel my children can and should eat what's on the table. None of my kids have ever been picky eaters and I believe it's because I didn't buy into their stubborness. If they refuse to eat something(and I know they don't hate it) (and I know they're just trying to pull a fast one on me cause let's face it...prezzles in ketchup is alot more appealing than say veggies and sausage)...I say well that's all there is and they are welcome to leave the table or grab some hummous to dip there food into. And they are allowed to come back and eat their meal when they want to but I'm not making a whole other meal...forget that...kids are very smart and if they know mom's gonna make them whatever they want they'll play that card every day!! And we can't mess with our kids health that way, they need healthy food in their bodies and it's up to us as parents to make sure they are eating healthy, well-balanced nutritous foods.
Sorry if I sound like a bag... I'm usually not so opinionated...but it is real important.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinkmilk*
I agree with maya44. Maybe it's not an AP style but I feel my children can and should eat what's on the table. None of my kids have ever been picky eaters and I believe it's because I didn't buy into their stubborness. If they refuse to eat something(and I know they don't hate it) (and I know they're just trying to pull a fast one on me cause let's face it...prezzles in ketchup is alot more appealing than say veggies and sausage)...I say well that's all there is and they are welcome to leave the table or grab some hummous to dip there food into. And they are allowed to come back and eat their meal when they want to but I'm not making a whole other meal...forget that...kids are very smart and if they know mom's gonna make them whatever they want they'll play that card every day!! And we can't mess with our kids health that way, they need healthy food in their bodies and it's up to us as parents to make sure they are eating healthy, well-balanced nutritous foods.
Sorry if I sound like a bag... I'm usually not so opinionated...but it is real important.

I totally agree.

I will never force my kid to choke down something she hates. But if she doesn't want to eat what I made (and I wouldn't serve her something I expected her not to like either), too bad, kitchen is closed. Cereal or PBJ as a backup is fine, but I am not a short order cook.


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## addiesmom (Feb 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chinaKat*
Cereal or PBJ as a backup is fine, but I am not a short order cook.

That's our "rule" here too. DD can be pretty picky and I respect her likes and dislikes as much as possible (ie: I usually put seperate ingediants on a plate for her while I am preparing dinner before I mix everything up - she's not into most sauces/seasonings). But I do ask that she at least try it before she says "yucky". I don't force the issue or make a big deal out of it (cuz if I did she will take it on as a power struggle), and she will usually at least take a bite or two - then says "yucky"







Once in a while she surprises me though - two nights ago I got a white spinach pizza which she told me she wouldn't eat because, you guessed it, it was "yucky" and after she took a bite she decided she loved it. She actually asked me to put it on the grocery list I was making this morning! BUT, after tasting, she decides she doesn't like it, I will get her a bowl of cereal or yogurt and fruit - something quick. And I will get it for her right away - I want us to all sit together and eat as a family.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ravin*
Just wanted to further clarify that DD doesn't go to bed hungry. We often have a snack an hour and a half or so before dinner, if dinner is going to take long to prepare, and if she rejects the meal, I fix her something else once I am done eating.

I am hypoglycemic, and get very, very grouchy if I'm hungry and can't eat because of someone else's demands. I was just kind of wondering if I was being unreasonable to DD. If she's not hungry when get out something to eat, she'll often want to nurse, preventing me from eating, or try to drag me off to play, preventing me from eating... I'm just wondering if putting myself first for fifteen minutes when I'm hungry and the food is hot is unreasonable. I didn't do it when DD was a baby, but she's 2 1/2 and has some grasp of empathy, some of the time.


You are not unreasonable. You are teaching your child that sometimes, the needs and wants of others come first. You are not starving her, ignoring her or being mean to her.

You must take care of your health and well-being in order to keep taking care of your child properly.


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## EarthyLady (Jul 15, 2005)

Only responding to OP here...haven't read the 3 pages that followed.









How would you feel if someone presented you with the same terms?

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone (child or adult) to eat something that I know they don't like...or have expressed they don't want.

When I make something I know dd doesn't like, I make her something different. Which is really rare actually. We don't eat junk at our house so it's not like she would prefer sweets. It's more common that she doesn't care for anything that has mixed ingrediants...like soups or casseroles, etc. Even if I make spaghetti, she wants her noodles w/o sauce, and I can easily make that happen. She doesn't care for meatloaf, but will grub out on a plain hamburger or piece of chicken. Sometimes she may fill up on the steamed veggies or mashed potatoes and leave the rest. I'm cool with that.

Mandy


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## bellona (Feb 17, 2006)

I always make just one dinner - that's all I have time for. And most of the time my kids eat it. We do have a rule about it though : you can't say you don't like it unless you try one real bite all the way down to your belly. If you don't want to try it that's fine, but ya can't say you don't like it!

If my kids don't like what we're having, they don't have to eat it. Everyone in our house is expected to sit at the table though, and if someone wants something else they can choose a salad, a bowl of cooked veggies, some fruit or some combination of those. Like I said, for the most part my kids eat what I make, but if they don't it's not a big deal.

Also, my kids are not big eaters in the evening. Instead of eating dinner, it's more of a snack sized portion. They don't have snacks in the evening either. It isn't uncommon for any of them to only have 4 or 5 bites of their dinner and eat their dessert (plain fruit or a creation made from fruit) and be set for the night.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:

Only responding to OP here...haven't read the 3 pages that followed.









How would you feel if someone presented you with the same terms?

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone (child or adult) to eat something that I know they don't like...or have expressed they don't want.

When I make something I know dd doesn't like, I make her something different. Which is really rare actually. We don't eat junk at our house so it's not like she would prefer sweets. It's more common that she doesn't care for anything that has mixed ingrediants...like soups or casseroles, etc. Even if I make spaghetti, she wants her noodles w/o sauce, and I can easily make that happen. She doesn't care for meatloaf, but will grub out on a plain hamburger or piece of chicken. Sometimes she may fill up on the steamed veggies or mashed potatoes and leave the rest. I'm cool with that.

Mandy

I do not think the OP stated that she MAKES the child eat what she knows the child does not like.

I think it is fine to make alternative things when the child has tried the item and really does not like it. It is another to feel you have to make 2 or 3 different complete meals only because the children all want something different for dinner.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

We really don't have "rules" around food. Food is something we handle in the context of living together, shopping, talking, just becoming aware of each other's likes and dislikes, preferences and needs.

Some ways that food issues have been resolved:

Prepared environment~making sure available food is healthy and appealing.

More information~Reading together about nutrition, helping ds understand the way his body works and how it needs energy to run.

Ds learning how to meet his own needs~...having easy and whole foods available so that he is not dependent on me for each and every blessed meal. I am happy to cook however I've never been one to think we should all be on the same meal timetable. So if he is hungry before or after me, I always have a homemade pot of pinto beans, rice, and various other nutrious easy foods in the kitchen. No big deal for him to serve himself.

When he was a toddler and too young to help himself, I used the "Grazing" approach mentioned by Dr. Sears. In the morning I filled an ice cube tray with bite sized pieces of foods ds enjoyed~cheese, apple, peanut butter, rice, beans etc. and kept this in easy reach. I still do this sometimes, although not with an ice cube tray. It's nice for him to have a tray of healthy things right there to choose from. I snack on it too *LOL*

He is a tall thin kid, and approaching food cooperatively has not made him the demanding, unhealthy, or over eating child I think people fear will be created if there is too much "freedom" around food in the home.


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

I love the _idea_ of allowing your child to choose from what is offerred, and not having the hassle of preparing something else and/or jumping up during a meal. But if we did that, ds would not sit still at the table without having something to eat, and I can count on an unhappy bedtime and/or poor sleep because he'll be hungry later. I think some of this boils down to temperament and age.

But I am curious, for those of you who would refuse to get something else and feel that you're teaching your dc healthy eating habits in this way, how do you keep your child at the table if they don't want to eat? What do you do about your child being hungry later? Is there a gentle solution to this? I won't physically force my ds to remain at the table, we don't do rewards/punishments, and I won't allow him to go hungry to "teach him a lesson." Are there other options that I'm missing? I'm not willing to restrict the meals that dh and I eat to the limited selection that ds likes.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *colleen95*
I love the _idea_ of allowing your child to choose from what is offerred, and not having the hassle of preparing something else and/or jumping up during a meal. But if we did that, ds would not sit still at the table without having something to eat, and I can count on an unhappy bedtime and/or poor sleep because he'll be hungry later. I think some of this boils down to temperament and age.

But I am curious, for those of you who would refuse to get something else and feel that you're teaching your dc healthy eating habits in this way, how do you keep your child at the table if they don't want to eat? What do you do about your child being hungry later? Is there a gentle solution to this? I won't physically force my ds to remain at the table, we don't do rewards/punishments, and I won't allow him to go hungry to "teach him a lesson." Are there other options that I'm missing? I'm not willing to restrict the meals that dh and I eat to the limited selection that ds likes.

1. The "not going to bed hungry"/being hungry later problem is easily solved. In fact the main inventor/proponent of this method sees it as a necessity.
Its the BEDTIME SNACK. We offered our daughters a bedtime snack every night from a rather extensive list (cereal, crackers, cheese etc...).
After age 5 or so, it was seldom even accpeted, but it certainly takes that problem off the table.

2. How did I keep my children at the table even if they were not going to eat?
By 1) Setting forth the expectation that they remain at the table until all were finished eating. Did we "punish" if they didn't do this. NO. But we did not "allow" it either. You are expected to stay at the table. If you get up instead you have failed to meet those expectations.

2) By making meal times enjoyable. In the early, early years there was singing and rhyming games.
There was and is interesting discussion.

It ranged from early topics like "What animal do you wish we could have" or "Do you like X or Y better" (this is especially good for very young kids, "cats or dogs" "ice cream or candy" "boats or trains" "fairies or princesses")

To now "What was the best part of this winter" "Where should we go on vacation next" "Why is the President such an idiot







"

2.


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## Dechen (Apr 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ravin*
Just wanted to further clarify that DD doesn't go to bed hungry. We often have a snack an hour and a half or so before dinner, if dinner is going to take long to prepare, and if she rejects the meal, I fix her something else once I am done eating.

I am hypoglycemic, and get very, very grouchy if I'm hungry and can't eat because of someone else's demands. I was just kind of wondering if I was being unreasonable to DD. If she's not hungry when get out something to eat, she'll often want to nurse, preventing me from eating, or try to drag me off to play, preventing me from eating... I'm just wondering if putting myself first for fifteen minutes when I'm hungry and the food is hot is unreasonable. I didn't do it when DD was a baby, but she's 2 1/2 and has some grasp of empathy, some of the time.

Unreasonable? Nope! I'm hypoglycemic too, and I've learned that its less fair to dd for me to become supergrouchmoster if I don't eat when I need to.

I have no problem fixing dd easy alternative dinners. If she is especially needy in a given day, I might take a few bites for sustenance and attend to her immediately, but on the average day she can wait.


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## cjr (Dec 2, 2003)

No battles here, and I don't make a seperate meal for anyone. I will make adjustments to what I have made to suit specific tastes, but never a different meal. I babysit a 5yo who is very picky and most of the time he just chooses to be picky about a particular food. He made a list of the foods he likes and I stick to that list and take into consideration that he doesn't like condiments or butter and so on. If he chooses to be picky and not eat, well he knows when the next meal is.

Same goes with my own kids and dh for that matter. What I make is what we are having for dinner. If they don't want to eat it then that's it. Very simple. The only acception to that rule is ds because he's only 2, but he eats almost everything and anything.

They will not starve. What they will do is refuse to each their healthy meal because they know mom will give me cereal. Why should they eat what you make if you're going to make them something else anyway? To me, you're causing your own dinner issues by doing this.

We also do bedtime snacks, but not 20min after dinner either. Our kids are expected to stay at the table until everyone is finished. And like another poster, it's just expected because we have always done that, including dh and myself.

I find the getting the kids involved in making dinner really helps them eat dinner. Even if it's not something they choose for dinner, the actual act of helping to create it makes it more appealing.

Big chunks help little ones pick unliked foods out of a dish, which is perfectly acceptable here. Listening to your child's texture issues is a big help. Our dd doesn't like tomatoes, but she will eat tomato sauce, pizza sauce and soup with tomatoes...as long as there are no chunks of them, so I puree the tomatoes before adding them to a dish. She knows they're in there, she just doesn't have to bite into a big chunk.

I don't think it's a matter of making a child eat something they don't like. My kids will change their minds from one day to the next, and so will the boy in my care. It's frustrating and if I follow thier "food mood" I would be living in the kitchen repreparing meals all day. I won't do it. I respect their likes and dislikes and make adjustment, but not different meals.


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