# advice I was given on another board, good or bad?



## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

We have been late for nearly every single thing we do in the past few years because dd can't get ready with the same speed everyone else in the house does. Last year we were about to have social services see us because of the amount of times our kids were late to school, and nearly all of these tardies were because while everyone else was ready she was doing her slowpoke routine. She has always taken her shower at night rather than in the AM because of this, and this year dh had ds start turning her light on while on the way to his shower. She will let her alarm ring until it shuts off automatically if nobody intervenes. She is the first person in bed and the last person up every day.

Because of all this, dh asked me to start pairing up her clothes last year. She is always allowed to pick the outfit, but no matching and switching in the morning because she makes us late. Last week in the throes of PMS we had a very bad morning that left me shaking with anger. Not only was she still changing clothes when we had 3 minutes to get out the door, she had taken outfits down, thrown them all over, and was matching different outfits up herself. She also held the door shut to try to keep me from seeing this.

I exploded and lost my mind for a while. Later, when I picked her up from school, she had put different clothes in her backpack and changed, but she forgot to change back before I saw her.

Now, I have asked for advice over and over about this issue. I have told her we can pair outfits up together in the afternoon if she wants, but under no circumstances is she to spend all morning in front of her mirror changing clothes over and over, making us all late.

Someone sent me this advice, and I'd like to know if you think this is a good idea, or if you have any other suggestions. For a while we were moving her bedtime up 1/2 hour every time she got up late, but how early can she go to bed? 7? Right now we're doing fairly well with 8PM, but I can't see sending her to bed any earlier.

anyway, the advice I was given :"I would take all of her clothes out of her room. Then, each morning, have
two outfits ready and have her choose one. Explain that her actions are
not appropriate for a young woman her age and you are going to help her
with appropriate actions.

Also, I have removed the door from my child's room when he tried to keep
me out. For a while, we had a screen door!"

This seems like a little too much, but should I offer that as the next step?

help!

8(


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## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

I think its perfectly logical albeit a pita. Her actions are probably a bigger pita though.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

How old is dd?


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Her actions are not such that she needs to lose the door. Some people are going to come and tell you it's abusive, that her privacy is the most important thing in the world, but I disagree. But, in this case, the door needs to stay.

The clothing idea however, is fine. As long as she's allowed to pick what she wants the night before, then you're not taking control away, you're just preventing the typical teenage indecision monster to rule your mornings.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

she's 9. She is in the throes of puberty, every day I expect her first period.

I am dealing with my own issues, and freely admit I lost it that morning and was bordering on psychotic for 2 days. I'm working with the therapist and charting my cycles to see if a doctor can help me with my hormonal issues in addition to our 'just us girls' counseling sessions.

In the meantime, she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff. I'm doing much better with respectful conversation and remembering that most of our issues are not her fault, but this one particular issue affects everyone in the house. I'm going to try the checklist for the nighttime routine, but I don't know what else to try in the mornings. I think it's kind of unfair that we've got everyone involved in waking her up in the morning except her. But if we don't all devote our time to getting her moving, she makes everybody late.

I am thinking about making her bedtime 15 minutes earlier the next time she doesn't get up, though.


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## J-Max (Sep 25, 2003)

Not a parent of a teen,, but I was one not too long ago and still have teenage siblings









I second the how old, but my mom ended up do this to all of us once or twice, and it only takes a few times before all of us learned, but take her to school the way she is. My mom called the principle/teacher and let them know, but I went to school with out shoes one time (she brought them to be a couple hours after school started). Have a pair of pants or shirt in the car so she has to have pants/shirt on, but I bet if she has to go and is not allowed to make everyone else late she will be ready on time.

Also, do you really care if she is wearing "proper" matched outfits? My 8 year old picks her own clothes and sometime it does not go together, I might make a kind suggestion and let her know that they don't really work well together, but if she wants to wear it she can. I think it is a major power struggle, and you need to let it go on this. I only buy clothes that are acceptable to wear (no saying I don't like, covers butt/belly, ect), so my girls can wear what they have.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessmcg* 
Not a parent of a teen,, but I was one not too long ago and still have teenage siblings









I second the how old, but my mom ended up do this to all of us once or twice, and it only takes a few times before all of us learned, but take her to school the way she is. My mom called the principle/teacher and let them know, but I went to school with out shoes one time (she brought them to be a couple hours after school started). Have a pair of pants or shirt in the car so she has to have pants/shirt on, but I bet if she has to go and is not allowed to make everyone else late she will be ready on time.

Also, do you really care if she is wearing "proper" matched outfits? I think it is a major power struggle, and you need to let it go on this. I only buy clothes that are acceptable to wear (no saying I don't like, covers butt/belly, ect), so my girls can wear what they have.


No I really don't care what she wears as long as it doesn't break the dress code rules at school. We just thought we were making it easier for her to only have one choice in the morning instead of a gazillion. She could wear a different outfit every day for almost 4 weeks without repeating a single item. She has that many clothes. We really thought it was an indecision problem, so we told her 'choose from these' meaning the ones that were matched up. It's not like she pulls down a pair of pants/shorts, then changes the shirt 3 times and is ready. She will pull down everything and even the act of taking off or putting on is extremely slow. I really start to question her motor skills sometimes, but as I've said before, then she'll expertly mimic a dance move, so I know there are no coordination problems.

I spent the week before school started this year hemming about 15 pairs of pants, then her aunts and her grandmother bought her more clothes, and I had to hem all of those pants, too. She isn't hurting for clothes, and we are not that controlling, we're just trying to make our morning easier for everyone.

I just don't know what else to try.

8(


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I have a hard time with the taking them to school as they are but maybe within reason. Nothing that will get them made of. I dunno. This is a tough one.

How about a checklist that states what has to be done at a certain time with what will happen if they don't. It your house and I could not say what would happen if she didn't stick to it.

Also, and don't flame me, what about sending her to bed in the clothes she is going to wear the next day? Lame maybe but boy does it cut down on time









Hopefully there will be other suggestions









I feel for you


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## Suzukimom (Mar 1, 2007)

A child physchologist told a very similar story about a boy who was always late for the carpool to school. One day the mom did nothing to help him get ready. When his ride came and he wasn't ready, she waved them on. Meanwhile she called the principal and told him the situation.

The son was livid and demanded that the mother take him to school. She took her sweet time and he arrived an hour late. After taking his seat in class, the principal announced his name on the PA system and asked him to come to his office.

He was never late again.

I realize this may not work considering the age of dd but the clothing removed from her room seems appropriate. She can pick out her outfit the night before and commit to it. If there is someone who can remain in the house with her while you take the others to school, then you can apply the discipline I described above. Also if she has a hard time waking up, then definitely, move her bedtime to an earlier hour.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

When I missed the bus, I had to walk (2.5 miles - 3 HUGE hills - mom was already at work), so I kind of agree with the above suggestion. I also like the suggestion of leaving, with her, however she is dressed. YOu can have an outfit in the car that she can put on if she's not totally dressed by the time it's time to go.

I think that removing all clothes from her room is not unreasonable. At the very least, pare it down to 5 outfits, one for each day of the week. You could even pare it down to three, assuming that her clothing doesn't get really dirty from one day's wearing. All thouse choices can be very overwhelming.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

It sounds like she has too many clothes, hence too many choices. A 9 year old does not need 15+ pairs of pants. She is probably overwhelmed.

I agree with removing the clothes from her room. It probably won't take long to fix the situation. Try noting which clothes actually get worn within a month long period, and get rid of some of the non-worn clothes.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

We tried removing most of the clothes from her room once before, and she went looking for them, put on an outfit that she was not allowed to wear to school, and we went through the usual morning drama afterwards.

I think you're right that she has too many choices, and maybe I can rotate clothing out to the building where I do the laundry. It has a lock, so I don't think she'll be getting in there. I also may ask her tonight what she has that she doesn't like, and why. I have no problem getting rid of some of this stuff if it will make things easier.

It's not just clothes though. I burned her some cds with songs she chose on them, and today i see some of them on the floor, getting scratched up. She either doesn't care about anything I have a hand in, or she just doesn't care about her things, period. I really don't know which it is.

And I may do the outfit in the car trick, I know she'd be mortified to show up at the bus stop in her jammies.

8(


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

" she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff"

No way would I allow a 9 year to hold my day hostage. Let her be late to school a few times then ask the principal or teacher to give her a "good talking to". Sometimes kids this age will listen to others before they listen to Mom or Dad. Also, I would limit any fun stuff until she shapes up. She pulls alls this bs on you, but still gets to do cool stuff with friends or on weekends? No way.

As for the outfit thing..... take Sunday evenings to check the five day forecast and have your child put together a week's worth of clothes. This is what we do and it works great. None of the last minute, where is my fill in the blank?


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## Morgaine (Mar 21, 2004)

I feel your pain. I have a ds who is 9 also and is just takes him so darn long to get dressed and get up. Here might be some things that help you that we did.
1. clocks- I set all of clocks 10 minutes ahead and didn't tell anyone.

2. Timers- I would set a timer for every little thing ds needed to get done. getting dresses to the shoes 10 minutes brushing teeth 5 minutes ect. kinda turned it into game to get finished before the timer went off.

3. Natural Light- When I am getting ds up in the morning, I always make sure to open the blinds and let natural light in. seems to really help him.

I don't how mature you dd is, but I know mine is not mature enough to be left to get ready by himself. Boys in my family are usually late to mature so I figure I am going to be doing this till atleast the early teens, if not later.

I also think the idea about taking away the clothes is a good idea and a logical consequence. I would pick out her favorites, enough for a week and only keep those in her closet. You can go through and rotate them as needed. We have taken away ds door before when he slammed it so hard he broke a very special tricket of mine from my grandmother(after he recieved tons of warnings about slamming doors). But I don't think your case would call for that drastic of action.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm wondering about the motor skills question. Dance moves are gross motor skills. Dressing is a combination of gross motor and fine motor skills. Is it possible she has a physical problem with fine motor skills, or with combining gross and fine motor skills together?

Or she might just be a 9yo who's naturally a night owl and has a hard time getting moving in the mornings, and who's recently taken an increased interest in her appearance.

I think having her pick out an outfit the night before, and then removing all other clothes from her room is reasonable. Or maybe even store them in another room and just keep a few outfits at a time in her room.

I do wonder if having too many clothes are part of the problem. My kids each have about 7-10 weekday outfits, not 20. If my Mom tries to buy clothes when my kids already have enough, then some of the new ones go back to the store, or some of the old ones go to the thrift store, or both.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
" she holds all of us hostage with her slowpoke stuff"

No way would I allow a 9 year to hold my day hostage. Let her be late to school a few times then ask the principal or teacher to give her a "good talking to". Sometimes kids this age will listen to others before they listen to Mom or Dad. Also, I would limit any fun stuff until she shapes up. She pulls alls this bs on you, but still gets to do cool stuff with friends or on weekends? No way.

As for the outfit thing..... take Sunday evenings to check the five day forecast and have your child put together a week's worth of clothes. This is what we do and it works great. None of the last minute, where is my fill in the blank?

I agree with most of what you say, but my husband will hit the roof when he finds out I drove her to school while ds took the bus. And I've tried taking away the fun stuff on the weekend, but then our whole weekend is full of her asking if she can do various things, and me telling her, 'no, you lost those privileges when you didn't get ready on time.' She nags all weekend to try and get her way, which is a trait she inherited from her bio mom, so I'm told.

What would you do when she repeatedly nags the rest of us because she's lost her privileges? It always ends up escalating to the point where either dad or I lose it. I don't feel like she should spend her whole weekend in her room, but if the rest of us want to watch a movie and she's lost tv privileges, what do we do? We've tried on other occasions waiting for her to perform a task so we could all watch a movie together, and she can't finish in time for the event to even be possible. But if we watch without her, she pouts and nags all day. It isn't fair for her to ruin everything by either being late or pouting because she got left out due to her own behavior. And then we have all these days with her mad and pouty, and me annoyed that she just doesn't get it, and ds irritated because he doesn't get to do things either.

8(


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I'm wondering about the motor skills question. Dance moves are gross motor skills. Dressing is a combination of gross motor and fine motor skills. Is it possible she has a physical problem with fine motor skills, or with combining gross and fine motor skills together?

that could be. I'm going to touch on that with the LD testing people.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Ok read the rest of your replies, I think it's a family dynamic that is causing her to be late at everything. I would take the family to counseling. This doesn't sound like she just has poor time managment or is a slow poke or not getting enough sleep. It sounds like there are power struggles happening at home and she is exerting her control over her life by being late. Punishment is not likely to solve what is happening here IMO.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I wouldn't keep her out of family fun activities, such as watching a movie together, but you can still not let her have computer time, or take away other priveledges. Or not punish her at all. If the punishments seem to be completely unrelated to the "crimes", and the punishements are just causing more stress, then how about ditching the punishments and taking more time to just connect with her? Maybe she'll have an easier time co-operating with you if she's not always so mad at you.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

ITa with that Ruthla


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Some ideas that came to mind:

Have her pick out the outfit the night before, including shoes, socks, belt (if needed), etc. No changes in the morning (other than to add a jacket if it's suddenly gotten colder). This allows her to retain autonomy over what she wears, but moves the time-consuming decision process to the night before. You will have to enforce the "absolutely no changes" rule (except for extreme weather). And removing all clothes (except the selected outfit) from her room might make it easier to enforce.

I know some people who allow their pre-teen son to sleep in the clothes he will wear to school so that he can get ready faster in the morning. I think it's a real solution for that family.

Have an outfit in the car (pants, top, socks, shoes) and when it's time to go, she goes whether she's ready or not. If she's not yet dressed, then she has to wear the outfit that was previously tucked into the car. I know a previous poster said this, and I just wanted to repeat it because it seems reasonable.

If the school is not far, I'd say take the others to school and allow her to be late. Call the school office and tell them what's up. This totally depends upon the maturity level of your child. At 9, my dd could handle me leaving for a short time, but you know your child best. If she is sick and staying home for the day, would you leave her there to drive the others to school? If so, then I'd say try it. She wouldn't be holding the whole family hostage to her slowpoke schedule - SHE would be the only one late.

I don't see that moving her bedtime back is really related to the situation, unless it is paired with moving her getting up time back by the same amount of time. If she's going to bed AND getting up earlier, that seems logical. But if she's just going to bed earlier, it seems punitive (unless the root cause of the issue is that she's not getting enough sleep, but that doesn't seen to be an issue here).


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think that taking her clothes out of her room is a good idea. In fact, I would probably take almost everything out of her room. Not get rid of it, just make her room less distracting.

IF, she still cannot get ready in time, take the others to the bus stop. There is no reason to make everyone late. (I am assuming the bus stop is close)

Then, if she is late, it will be her problem to deal with at school.

You need to just LEAVE a few times, and hopefully she will get the clue that you are no longer waiting for her.

Summer is almost here, so this summer you both can focus on getting her room organized in a way that it doesn't overwhelm her. I don't think it is a matter of her not caring about her stuff, as much as not being an organized person, and she CAN'T get it together.

Learning to be organized takes time, but you need to stop taking responsibility for her lateness. Start letting her "own" it.


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## dinah (Aug 12, 2004)

Not a parent of a preteen but having recently read/watched Unconditional Parenting from Alfie Kohn this thought comes to mind. Have you tried sitting down with her at a neutral time, explaining your issue and asking her to brainstorm solutions to the problem and pick the right ones. Then you implement what she has chosen. If she picked the solution, you're making her responsible for fixing the problem and you're much more likely to succeed with her buyin. Just my 2 cents.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I wouldn't keep her out of family fun activities, such as watching a movie together, but you can still not let her have computer time, or take away other priveledges. Or not punish her at all. If the punishments seem to be completely unrelated to the "crimes", and the punishements are just causing more stress, then how about ditching the punishments and taking more time to just connect with her? Maybe she'll have an easier time co-operating with you if she's not always so mad at you.

that makes sense, because the punishment doesn't teach her anything other than 'i'm mad at mom, mom's mad at me.'

I've been taking time for her this week after advice from several moms, and it is making a difference, but the being slow and making everyone wait for her is getting extremely old after all this time. She knows I'm not going to let her leave without brushing her teeth, or in her underwear, or without her backpack, so it isn't like there are any consequences that will affect her anyway.

I just don't think it makes a bit of difference to tell her we need to hurry, or everyone is waiting on you, because that's what she wants.

8(


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Can the school impose consequences? Like detention?


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

I really don't know what to do, but I'm sick of the daily turmoil and constant waiting. I almost wish they would find a learning disability so I'd have something to blame it on other than what I think it is, passive aggressive anger.
If you feel intuitively she has reason to feel passive aggressive anger, I'd honestly prefer that to a learning disability. A learning disability would be much more difficult to resolve than passive aggressive anger--especially if you have some insight into her motivation for the latter.

As far as the mornings I would set her up for success and make failure difficult if not impossible. There are times in life when you can learn by trial and error, but this is not one of those times. Her failure has consequences too large and far reaching--making the wrong choice by delaying everyone has a domino effect on the entire day. It's too much power.

Talk together at a neutral time, and decide on a plan of action. Her prior understanding is important. In the morning, supervision is key. I would put her outfit *in the bathroom* the night before. She needs someone to definitely go in and see that she gets up, and out of bed when the alarm goes off. A hot drink is a nice offering to help a sleepy child wake up. Now, from the moment she gets up and leaves her bedroom, the plan might be to *close the bedroom door behind her*. She can get dressed and ready in the bathroom. From there she comes out to eat, talk, pack her bag, and finally leave.

She just cannot handle the temptation to fail. Also, failure to get ready has become a habit at this point, which is another definite reason to make failure impossible. She needs to get into the habit of success. Once success is a habit, it tends to be it's own best teacher, and the need to watch over her won't be so strong (hopefully).

I do think addressing the underlying issues of passive aggressive anger is the true long term solution. I know you also need immediate short term answers to put some order back in the day, so I'm just focusing on that here. But addressing the underlying anger is so important to helping her move past that.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I really want to see Bigeyes get some other answers to her dilemna which is why this thread is being restored. I've removed some of the posts that were regarding discipline styles that are not Gentle Discipline, MDC does not host such discussions, there are plenty of other places that do. We strive to be a safe haven for those who do, or wish to practice attachment parenting.

I have also removed posts that quote other posts that are not in line with this forum. If you have any questions or feel that you'd like to edit your post, please contact me through PM








Kelly~


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

bump


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Thanks BelovedK


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## greenhaven (Feb 25, 2007)

I don't know, I thnk BigEyes has gotten a LOT of respectable possible solutions. But it is going to be a tough process.

I have had to leave my 15 yo DS at home. He had plenty of warning, clearly understood the consequences, but perhaps he didn't believe me. I stopped nagging, per his request, told him I was leaving the driveway at such-and-such a time, and if he wasn't in the car, too bad...he's missed his ride. (No bus to his school.) It was explosive. It was extremely very painful, but he learned. WE learned. And now he is in the car every morning at the appointed time.







See, now is the time for them to be learning harder lessons, while they are still at home with loving support, and not out in the world with a job to lose or classes to fail. Although with some, they might still have to suffer those thigns before they realize that mama was right all along. But, still, your daughter is nine. She does need to to help her through these things, but as she gets older she must assume more and more of the responsibility herself.

There are side issues like "she knows we won't leave until...." That will have to change. I have a separate set of consequences for not being _prepared_ to leave the house in the morning. I think the suggestions for paring down her clothes is an excellent one. I also agree with letting her choose her outfit the night before. Unless she is OCD, being THAT obsessed with what she is wearing is unhealthy, especially at nine.

Nagging on her part? No. Way. I don't nag my kids, they are not permitted to nag or beg me. This is how I handle it: "Ask me one more time and I'll take away another day." (I remove electronic priviledges.) DS: "But..." Me: "Okay, that's another day."

Sleeping through the alarm: Don't let her. Train her to hear the alarm and get up. A few drips of icy water on warm, comfy, supposed-to-be-getting up kids, or removing their blankets is usually enough to do the trick! Now, nine is a little young for the "rude awakening." You can be the extra alarm, but you have to stay on top of it. My boys are 14 and 16, and when I say get up NOW or I'm getting rude, you'd better believe they get up!









All of the above is related to somethig important, and that is making sure she is getting enough sleep. 9-12 hours is not unusual, and less than nine is just not enough for a pre-teen girl.

Gosh, teenagers...I never thought I would love someone so deeply whose neck I occasionally wanted to wring!


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

I agree with sitting down with your daughter and brainstorming. Suggest some (or all) of the ideas posted here, and have her come up with some ideas, too.

The way we do this kind of thing in our household is, we eliminate the ideas that either of us think are unworkable. (Like, a suggestion solution that dd hates is off the list. Something I think simply won't work is also off.) Then we choose from the remaining ideas what to try first. DD gets first choice (usually).

We SAVE the list, and after a reasonable amount of time has passed, if the situation is still happening, we go back to the list and I get second choice of what we are going to try. And if that doesn't work, dd gets the next choice, etc.

This doesn't always work right away, but it gets dd involved in changing the situation for the better.


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

My dd is slow, dreamy, mind anywhere but here.... until it is relevent to her personally, then she is SO switched on!

How do I get her to see where her world meets "the rest of reality", she also needs to compromise?

The only solution so far has been to address each event individually. Last year, she started school for the first time (age 9). To gear her clock so that she would get up in time for the bus, I put the clock forwards 3 hours -12-weeks- before the start day.

We have NO TV.

"but dad I've got nothing to wear!" looking at a drawer overflowing. Not sure what to do about his one. I have it in mund to buy 3 sets of denim dungerees (sp) and white shirts. Problem solved! The idea is that she will come to value and organise what she has. I'll have to discuss this with her first though.

hmmm, you got me thinking on my own situation now. Certainly there may be other issues that need to be explored. > like does she care if she is late? or goes to school at all? We have to be careful when parenting, not to find ourselves setting targets that we understand, but that don't relate to the child.

certainly rushing a slow child is not good for the child, but then to meet your own goals (getting to school in time etc) doing the little chores for the child is equally unhealthy.

I tend to lean on the "don't ever rush the child" side.

In our case, we try to establish what our DD thinks is ok and not ok, what her goals are, and let her know what ours are. Where we make progress, is where we find she is unaware that timing matters to us. We seek her co-operation. The bus leaves at xyz o'clock, if she misses it, she must wait for the next one.

Clear lines... I will not give her a ride if she is running late.

What are the goals for you DD? Does she want to go to shcool at all?

as


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

I have not read all the replies- but in reading the first few things- my first reaction is I think she has low blood sugar, since this has been going on for a while- she is just too young to be all the teen stuff- now she may start cycling and it can make the sleep/awake issues even worse- but for as long as this problem has been going on what might be wrong- is there a physical cause? anemia, low blood sugar, low thyroid, depression, food sensitivities?

after that I may think about learning disabilities- both dh and I have dislexia and all of our children do as well-- also tons of allergies and sensitivites-I have gluten intolerance, now I was too nervous to be late but I was chronically sleep deprived and also "hated" getting up in the morning- so much so that I wake up before an alarm can go off now-- the startle that it can produce is just so angering --

as for her clothes choices- she can pick them out the night before- personally I would take the other kids to be on time and make her get dressed the rest of the way in the car--
protein for breakfast helps with sleep at night- no carbs for breakfast-- physical exercise in the evening to help wind down very early bed time--
b vitamins for more energy during the day, and helps with depression and blood sugar managment as well.
also is she being bullied or mistreated at school? does she have friends? how are her grades and school work?


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

She is going to be at 8pm tonight. If she doesn't get up on time, tomorrow it will be 7:45. I think computer time will be forfeited if we have another morning escalate because she stops moving.

I'm buying a timer tomorrow and I'll start with the single task timing on thursday.

I am leaving all of her clothes in the room for now, but she can only get the ones from the 'matched side,' and if she doesn't, no computer.

She will be helping me match outfits as laundry gets finished.

I will only leave her behind if none of these things help. We have year round school here, so no big summer break. School is 20 miles away so I can't expect her to walk, but I can leave her behind for 5 minutes while i drive ds to the bus, then I can fool around for a while and take her in late, but not more than once.
If it escalates to that point, then we'll look at removing most of the clothes from her room and fewer choices. Dh has always wanted to do the cold water, but I told him not to, since that would really piss me off if someone did that to me.

So, we've got a workable plan, and I'm going to deal with the delaying tactics in therapy, but we'll still do the testing for LDs, since I'm really concerned that she hasn't made much progress in 3 years. 6 months to a year could be attributed to grief, but now I think either we and the schools are doing something very wrong, or she has an LD or some sort.

So many issues, where to start?

thanks for all of your help!

8)

update! she has tomorrow's clothes all picked out, went to bed happy. she said she would like a list to check off, so it is now on her whiteboard in her bedroom.


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## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dinah* 
Not a parent of a preteen but having recently read/watched Unconditional Parenting from Alfie Kohn this thought comes to mind. Have you tried sitting down with her at a neutral time, explaining your issue and asking her to brainstorm solutions to the problem and pick the right ones. Then you implement what she has chosen. If she picked the solution, you're making her responsible for fixing the problem and you're much more likely to succeed with her buyin. Just my 2 cents.

Yah, and _Playful Parenting_ has some amazing advice for working through hard stuff with kids. Making light of the situation somehow and bringing levity into your lives by maybe paroding yourself when you're reacting to her running late....


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenhaven* 
I don't know, I thnk BigEyes has gotten a LOT of respectable possible solutions. But it is going to be a tough process.

All of the above is related to somethig important, and that is making sure she is getting enough sleep. 9-12 hours is not unusual, and less than nine is just not enough for a pre-teen girl.

Gosh, teenagers...I never thought I would love someone so deeply whose neck I occasionally wanted to wring!

ain't it the truth? We have had a discussion tonight about how much sleep we need, too. I require more sleep than dh, and ds requires less than dd. It's just a fact of life, some people function better on less sleep than others, and we are unlucky in that respect. Because of this, I often go to bed before my dh (when he's home) and dd goes earlier than ds. If ds doesn't get up on time his bedtime gets moved up too.

I told her I didn't enjoy this morning drama, and I was sure she didn't either, so we needed to come up with some solutions. She liked the list idea, and had already picked out her clothes for tomorrow before I told her, so she is trying. I don't know what made the difference, but just having her come up with something on her own was great. I know we both have a lot of work to do, but I've got a lot more hope after today.

thanks everyone!

8)


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mwherbs* 
I have not read all the replies- but in reading the first few things- my first reaction is I think she has low blood sugar, since this has been going on for a while- she is just too young to be all the teen stuff- now she may start cycling and it can make the sleep/awake issues even worse- but for as long as this problem has been going on what might be wrong- is there a physical cause? anemia, low blood sugar, low thyroid, depression, food sensitivities?

after that I may think about learning disabilities- both dh and I have dislexia and all of our children do as well-- also tons of allergies and sensitivites-I have gluten intolerance, now I was too nervous to be late but I was chronically sleep deprived and also "hated" getting up in the morning- so much so that I wake up before an alarm can go off now-- the startle that it can produce is just so angering --

b vitamins for more energy during the day, and helps with depression and blood sugar managment as well.
also is she being bullied or mistreated at school? does she have friends? how are her grades and school work?

I have told my dh for a long time I think she should be tested for thyroid, which does run in her family. So does diabetes. I will try the b12 in the AM, in fact, I already take it, so I'll see if she notices a difference, I may even take her a sublingual tablet when the alarm goes off.

A few days ago she and started belly dancing practice after school, so not only do we have something that nobody else in the house has in common, we have the exercise daily. I'm way out of practice and I expect her to pass me up very soon in this activity.

School is odd. She was the new girl in December and for a few weeks was 'queen of the 3rd grade.' Then suddenly she had no friends and was being bullied. Then the school got all of the girls involved in relationship workshops at school, and the whole thing blew over. Now she's 'friends' with the girl who hit her on the bus, but the driver won't let her sit with her because I raised such a stink when she came home crying after being hit 5 times and the bus driver did nothing about it. Our kids got changed to a different bus, and the current driver is no nonsense, which I appreciate as I used to drive a bus myself. I told her I didn't blame him a bit, but if she was really friends with this girl the friendship would survive a 30 minute bus ride.

The bullying thing really bothered me, because she was so intent on making friends with the girl who hit her. I don't understand running after someone who hurts you.

This is all very new to me, because before I had kids, I just left when there was conflict. Just quit jobs, moved cross country, left relationships, whatever. The past 3 years have been a revelation, in that I can't run from this, these are permanent relationships. So, I have to keep trying, and if that involves making an @$$ out of myself online, so be it. I've made a commitment to my dh, and to my kids both bio and step, so even if I fall down, I have to get back up and keep trying till something works.

8)


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I agree that brainstorming with her in a quiet moment is a good idea - great that she went to bed cheerfully and with a plan.

Beyond that, I don't know about imposing timers or your own outfit choices or an earlier bed time.That will simply turn it from a 'how do I get to school on time' issue to a 'power struggle with my stepmom' issue.

It's her responsibility to get herself ready to go at the necessary time in the morning, and if she's not, then she will have to be late for school. If you are concerned the school may blame you, can you just let the school know that you're working on her challenges with getting ready in the morning, and that if she is not good to go as required in the a.m., she will be late? Then she can deal with whatever tardiness consequences the school has. She may decide with you that she could use some help paring down her clothes choices or geting more sleep. That in the end is going to be more beneficial to her than you imposing a regime on her: after all, the end goal has to be helping your child make good choices for herself, not follow rules out of resentment.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

It's her responsibility to get herself ready to go at the necessary time in the morning, and if she's not, then she will have to be late for school. If you are concerned the school may blame you, can you just let the school know that you're working on her challenges with getting ready in the morning, and that if she is not good to go as required in the a.m., she will be late? Then she can deal with whatever tardiness consequences the school has. She may decide with you that she could use some help paring down her clothes choices or geting more sleep. That in the end is going to be more beneficial to her than you imposing a regime on her: after all, the end goal has to be helping your child make good choices for herself, not follow rules out of resentment.
My only concern is that the expectation involved may really truly be more than she can handle. Because I personally don't think school is a natural human experience, I am not surprised that any 9 year old might lack the self discipline to get up in the wee hours of the morning and get ready under their own steam in such a short amount of time. In other words I would expect a child to need a lot of very definite supervision in order to be ready and out the door by 8am. A child who didn't need any help to do this would be a blessing, but not what I'd expect at 9 years old.

I would expect to need to physically go and make sure a 9 year old heard the alarm--I would expect to have a drink like orange juice or natural cocoa to put right into their hand to wake up the blood sugar in their body and help dispel grogginess. I would expect to have reminded them the night before to lay out an outfit, pack their bag, and select breakfast. I would expect they needed to be checked on every few minutes to be sure they were in fact staying on task and getting ready. I would have breakfast ready FOR a 9 year old, and I would simply not set it up so that there was this dynamic of "either you are ready or you are punished". They would be ready on time, and I would think of all kinds of ways based on my own child to make that as pleasant as possible.

It is just not true that having help somehow means the child lacks self discipline. If she is actually getting all of this done on time with help and arriving promptly for school that IS success and it WILL leave an impression.

FWIW my mother did all of the above, and the long term effect is that I know how to get myself up early. I plan little ways to make it positive--leave out clothes the night before, make sure coffee maker is set, etc. I don't need someone to do this for me NOW, because as an adult I've absorbed the adult role modeled to me as a child.

It sounds like her sd is dragging her feet in particular over the clothing issue. It wouldn't be a big deal for me to just have her pick the outfit the night before, put it in the bathroom, and make sure she was up and went in there and did not stay back in her room each morning changing outfits.

Perhaps another way to put this is that I would expect a normal 9 year old to be easily distracted at 7am. I would expect them to get sidetracked, to daydream, to get lost in their own imaginative world. I would expect them to be a little unwilling to give up their cozy house and home in the sleepy hours of the early morning. To me this is all normal behavior.

I think school is a lot of work for any child. I think it is completely normal and appropriate for children to need lots of supervision in order to handle the high level of organization necessary to get up and ready for such a long day in a very short amount of time.

Her child is 9, not 21, kwim? There really is a huge difference there.


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

I think the same thing about school as well- but didn't think it fair of me to talk about that since I homeschooled everyone except my niece when she moved in she was 10 and had been in school - because of her situation we decided to keep her in school and mornings were hell-- she needed breakfast prepared for her or else her food choice was poor- and it was important enough to me to have eggs and toast or left over dinner- or cheese toast because of the protein.
she also was influenced to stay thinner(edging on eating disorder) -- so we spent quite a bit of time making sure her dietary needs were met--


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## greenhaven (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
She liked the list idea, and had already picked out her clothes for tomorrow before I told her, so she is trying. I don't know what made the difference, but just having her come up with something on her own was great.

Sounds like you are finding out what works, and what doesn't. Ultimately, you do the right thing by weighing all advice using what works for you and your fanily.

It's true that many kids respond really well to being given a varying measure of control over certain situations. Many times all they need are some boundaries or ground rules to really begin to think for themselves about problem-solving.

When she does well or is trying hard, make sure she knows it! It doesnt even have to be real demonstrative; maybe even along the lines of "Wow, it is so much nicer to start our days off without all this conflict!"


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
I told her I didn't enjoy this morning drama, and I was sure she didn't either, so we needed to come up with some solutions. She liked the list idea, and had already picked out her clothes for tomorrow before I told her, so she is trying. I don't know what made the difference, but just having her come up with something on her own was great. I know we both have a lot of work to do, but I've got a lot more hope after today.

thanks everyone!

8)

That is great! I love it when parents and kids work together for a solution that works for everyone!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

mamastar, heartmama, mwherbs, all of you make good points. Since she got up very well this morning, I am still going to buy the timer, but I'm not going to use it until we have another problem. I hope to not have to use it, but between the list and our talk yesterday, she did really well this AM, so I will just keep the timer for a back up plan.

I don't know what made the change, maybe it was just me remaining calm and asking for her input. Could it be that simple?







:

For now, we'll keep the 8PM bedtime and have her pick her clothes out the night before, and then if we backslide it will be 15 minutes earlier for bedtime and the timer for tasks.

I can't get over how easy things were this morning!


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I'm glad it went better this morning!

I don't think that I was suggesting she be left to 'sink or swim' with no one to offer her a mug of cocoa or feed her breakfast, by the way. With all of the battles over clothes, it seems to me that it is probably hard for the OP's daughter to just simply see the issue as a problem to be solved: how do I get to school on time even though I feel tired and slow and indecisive in the morning? Instead, the issue may have become about a struggle between her and her stepmom. Simply buying timers or fighting over clothes won't help that. If the daughter wants to go it alone and doesn't want the clothes being picked out for her and so on, I don't see anything wrong with letting her try that and, if there are negative consequences at school, experience them. That could actually create some 'buy-in' on the daughter's part to having some help in the morning and taking advantage of it.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
It sounds like she has too many clothes, hence too many choices. A 9 year old does not need 15+ pairs of pants. She is probably overwhelmed.

I agree.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I have a confession to make. I was a morning clothes ditherer when I was younger too. Not at 9, I had a school uniform then.

I KNEW I had to be at work at a certain time but still compulsively changed my clothes, and somehow couldn't make myself understand that I really HAD to leave.

At the time, I had a job that had a definite start and end time. So...I got fired for being late so many times. It was an eye opener for me. Somehow it just never sank in until I got fired.

Ever since, I have set out my work clothes every night, and don't allow myself to make any changes unless the weather makes the outfit unsuitable. At first it was very hard for me to stick to it, but after a while I got used to the extra 1/2 hour or so in the morning. I still do it, even though I would no longer be fired for being 1/2 hour late or so









I guess I just wanted to say that I understand how the OP's DD feels.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
mamastar, heartmama, mwherbs, all of you make good points. Since she got up very well this morning, I am still going to buy the timer, but I'm not going to use it until we have another problem. I hope to not have to use it, but between the list and our talk yesterday, she did really well this AM, so I will just keep the timer for a back up plan.

I don't know what made the change, maybe it was just me remaining calm and asking for her input. Could it be that simple?







:

For now, we'll keep the 8PM bedtime and have her pick her clothes out the night before, and then if we backslide it will be 15 minutes earlier for bedtime and the timer for tasks.

I can't get over how easy things were this morning!










I'm glad things are looking up!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

not half as glad as I am!

I think we just got locked into the same daily power struggle, and this week we've both opened our eyes. I'm sure there will be other battles, but this one worked out to where I don't feel like either of us is taking advantage of the other, or enforcing their will. It feels like a win-win instead of 'mom always gets her way,' or 'dd always makes everyone late.'

Whew!

thanks so much for all the advice, anyone I didn't contact privately, regardless or whether or not I took your advice, I appreciate all of the comments and ideas.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

I think we just got locked into the same daily power struggle, and this week we've both opened our eyes. I'm sure there will be other battles, but this one worked out to where I don't feel like either of us is taking advantage of the other, or enforcing their will. It feels like a win-win instead of 'mom always gets her way,' or 'dd always makes everyone late.'
This is wonderful to read!

It really can be "that easy" (if it's ever really easy) when a parent lays down their guard so to speak and changes their own attitude first. In a sense that is extremely difficult, to make the initial leap in your own attitude. Often what actually happens is the parent saying "hey, I'm kind and I love my kid, but they can't expect me to hold their hand all morning, they gotta get their act together, and get on the ball". That may be the goal but what is the plan to get there? You know know the saying "it takes two to tango" and that is so true with any power struggle. Parents can be every bit as sulky and obstinate and unyielding as the kid that's driving them nuts. Sometimes we don't even realize how much our tone of voice or an irritable sigh, or tense manner, is keeping a certain situation in constant unrest. Sometimes it really is something that small, that no matter what we are saying with our words, that small gesture is what the child takes to be the "real" message. "She says she wants to get along but I can see by the way she says my name she's feeling irritable with me".

The really amazing thing here is that your sd seems to be extremely attached to you--your change of mood made an immediate obvious difference to her, which tells me she actually very sensitive to you and is very attached. That is going to make this situation MUCH easier to resolve. When there is no real emotional connection it's difficult to see evidence that your own attitude matters. But in this case, she is clearly very sensitive to you and the difference you make is clear!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
This is wonderful to read!

The really amazing thing here is that your sd seems to be extremely attached to you--your change of mood made an immediate obvious difference to her, which tells me she actually very sensitive to you and is very attached. That is going to make this situation MUCH easier to resolve. When there is no real emotional connection it's difficult to see evidence that your own attitude matters. But in this case, she is clearly very sensitive to you and the difference you make is clear!


I think one thing in my favor is that I had a horrible relationship with my mom, so I know how it feels and I have good reasons to want to be a different kind of parent. Of course, my relationship with my mom is also what works against me since the only examples I've had up to now were not what I call good parents.

It's hard to ask for help, because while you hope to get good advice, there is always the fear of being attacked by the 'crunchier than thou' moms who never had these issues. I post my worst thoughts and feelings here because I can't verbalize them to dd, or ds, or dh, and it really isn't fair to them to have to hear them. Plus, I'm finding that nearly any parenting problem I have, someone else here has already successfully dealt with it, and I can follow their lead.

What a huge relief this is.

8)


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
She will let her alarm ring until it shuts off automatically if nobody intervenes. She is the first person in bed and the last person up every day. (

I'm glad to hear things are going better, but if you do encounter problems again, I'd wonder about how well she's sleeping and things like sleep apnea. Not being able to wake up after going to bed early night after night sounds like her sleep is not refreshing her the way it should.

I also wondered if she could be depressed. Depression can lead to an insatiable appetite for sleep and no respect for one's things.


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## canadianchick (May 18, 2005)

First of all, I'm surprised this thread is still here.... I didn't think you could discuss anything from another board.

But anyway, my dd is 10 and we got through the crap in the am. I swear sometimes, she makes us late on purpose just to tick me off. If it is happening every day then she loses tv at night.... that usually makes it better for a while.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

apparently that's a pretty common thing kids do to drive us batty, huh?

I think depression is a very real possibility, and that is another reason I've been pushing for therapy for so long. I think dh just wasn't going to have it until I totally lost my mind, and once I did, he agreed just to shut me up. I don't really care what his motivation is, dd and I need to do this so we can be a happy family and not a war zone. People here have really opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional thought patterns, and with help from the therapist we can find out exactly where dd is coming from.

8)


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Like choli, as a child and a teen I was exactly like your daughter. I had to change my clothes before I left. I could empty all the drawers and closet, and in the end probably leave the house in the very first outfit I tried on. But the need to change was still there. I was later diagnosed with OCD. My slowpoke routine, and constant need to change clothes in the morning was one of the first compulsions I experienced. After all these years its one of the few that hang on. The only difference is I'm aware of it now.

Just a thought.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
Like choli, as a child and a teen I was exactly like your daughter. I had to change my clothes before I left. I could empty all the drawers and closet, and in the end probably leave the house in the very first outfit I tried on. But the need to change was still there. I was later diagnosed with OCD. My slowpoke routine, and constant need to change clothes in the morning was one of the first compulsions I experienced. After all these years its one of the few that hang on. The only difference is I'm aware of it now.

Just a thought.









Yep, I have OCD as well. It's difficult for a normal person to understand how hard it was for me to stick to the "night before" outfit. It really did take the consequence of getting fired to make me understand that I had to get the mornings under control if I wanted to support myself fiancially.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *canadianchick* 
First of all, I'm surprised this thread is still here.... I didn't think you could discuss anything from another board.

I believe as long as you do not link the thread or board and you don't name names, its fine. Especially given the context. It was about the OP and her particular situation.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I think OCD is not outside the realm of possibility, either.

I don't want her to get the idea there is something 'wrong' with her, but I do want to rule everything out or in, so we know exactly what we're dealing with. It could just all be emotional trauma, for all I know.

She has done really well the past couple of days, and I've done pretty well with my 'self-redirection.'

8)


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## greenhaven (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
At the time, I had a job that had a definite start and end time. So...I got fired for being late so many times. It was an eye opener for me. Somehow it just never sank in until I got fired.

Choli, thanks for offering a vision of hope to those of us who wonder if things will EVER be different for our kids!

Unfortunately I think it will take similiar circumstances for my older son...but you learned, and I feel more confident that he will, too!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenhaven* 
Choli, thanks for offering a vision of hope to those of us who wonder if things will EVER be different for our kids!

Unfortunately I think it will take similiar circumstances for my older son...but you learned, and I feel more confident that he will, too!









I hate to tell you this, but I was an adult of 19 in full time employment by the time I got it under control. If I'd had any safety net to fall into - run home to Mom or whatever, I might not have conquered it. But there was no safety net, and I needed to survive. When you have to deal with the natural consequences of your actions, sink or swim, most of us do swim.

I am in my 40s and still at times have to fight with myself not to do it. That CONVICTION that just another 30 seconds and I could just get it right, just one more change...


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I am in my 40s and still at times have to fight with myself not to do it. That CONVICTION that just another 30 seconds and I could just get it right, just one more change...









I can sooo relate to that feeling.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
This doesn't sound like she just has poor time managment or is a slow poke or not getting enough sleep. It sounds like there are power struggles happening at home and she is exerting her control over her life by being late. Punishment is not likely to solve what is happening here IMO.

I would think about this possibility.

I would also wonder if she does not like school? Would she really prefer to sleep in all morning and stay home? (I am not suggesting that this is what should be done or that it would work for your family -- just asking if this is what she wants) Might explain why it is hard for her to get ready.

What if she could continue to choose an outfit the night before and also just a few back up things to put in her backpack in case she changed her mind at school? Maybe carrying some options with her would give her some security and help her to get out of the door without worrying that she'll be stuck in an outfit that ends up making her uncomfortable.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
I would think about this possibility.

I would also wonder if she does not like school? Would she really prefer to sleep in all morning and stay home? (I am not suggesting that this is what should be done or that it would work for your family -- just asking if this is what she wants) Might explain why it is hard for her to get ready.

What if she could continue to choose an outfit the night before and also just a few back up things to put in her backpack in case she changed her mind at school? Maybe carrying some options with her would give her some security and help her to get out of the door without worrying that she'll be stuck in an outfit that ends up making her uncomfortable.

she says she likes school, but who knows? Yesterday she matched up some outfits and put in the closet, and she only asked my opinion on one. Now this morning she gets up and says 'I don't know what to wear.'

I told her to go ahead and pick something she can't wear to school, like a printed tee shirt or skinny straps, and now I think she's dressed, I haven't gone to look yet. I don't know how much is ADD like behavior and how much is self consciousness.

8)


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## JuJuBazooka (Jun 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
She knows I'm not going to let her leave without brushing her teeth, or in her underwear, or without her backpack, so it isn't like there are any consequences that will affect her anyway.

8(

But this just might be why she does it and continues.

I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. You put your shoe on the wrong foot, your foot will hurt. You don't wear your jacket, you get cold. You aren't completely ready to leave when it is time, you go as is.

I also agree with a PP that there is more going on than just being a slowpoke. I have an 18yo slowpoke. It was miserable for me when she was younger. I know just how trying it can be and I really wished I had figured out the whole natural consequences when she was younger. It really does make things much easier.


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JuJuBazooka* 
I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. You put your shoe on the wrong foot, your foot will hurt. You don't wear your jacket, you get cold. You aren't completely ready to leave when it is time, you go as is.









Or get left behind (if she's mature enough).


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## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

I just want to pop in and say to the OP that, even though you've been discussing a problem with this child, your love and respect for her shine through in even your most frustrated posts. That's awesome.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaWindmill* 
I just want to pop in and say to the OP that, even though you've been discussing a problem with this child, your love and respect for her shine through in even your most frustrated posts. That's awesome.









thanks. I think my poor choice of words when I first posted about this led some to think I was abusive, when in fact I was just frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I'm not big enough for this job.

I don't know what I'd have done without this place, it helps so much to bounce things off other moms.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

I've been reading your posts and I'm happy to see that things are improving with you and your daughter.

I just want to add one idea - it sounds like you are viewing a timer as a punishment, when I really think that for some people it's a tool that is very helpful. Not for me, personally, but I know people who use egg timers and such in their everyday lives and find it works really well for them.

DD has a morning checklist, and it has times on it. So she knows that each task has to be done by a certain time. At the end there is 10 minutes allotted for 'free time' and she understands that if she gets everything done quickly, she has more free time, and if she dawdles, she will have none. She's 8 and this is the level she is at - she needs this or mornings are very difficult.

Before we wrote out the schedule I had to nag her constantly. She helped make the schedule and from the first day we used it, she was out of bed as soon as her alarm went off and ready to go on time. I thought it was a miracle! We did end up setting her alarm 20 minutes earlier, as we allotted the amount of time she wanted for each task. But before that, I had to wake her up repeatedly and often had to take her quilt away to get her up, then we would end up late because she was drawing pictures instead of getting dressed.

Anyway. I know your situation is extreme, but I think the morning struggle is really very normal.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

It probably is, but I was so unprepared for it since ds takes after his bf who slept very little. He is still the first one up most days, except for when dh has to be to work at 4am.

I like your idea about the timer, we may start with that soon, too.


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## MomtoEd (Apr 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
not half as glad as I am!

I think we just got locked into the same daily power struggle, and this week we've both opened our eyes. I'm sure there will be other battles, but this one worked out to where I don't feel like either of us is taking advantage of the other, or enforcing their will. It feels like a win-win instead of 'mom always gets her way,' or 'dd always makes everyone late.'

Whew!

thanks so much for all the advice, anyone I didn't contact privately, regardless or whether or not I took your advice, I appreciate all of the comments and ideas.

Fabulous!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

this morning she switched an outfit, but she got ready on time, so while the old me would be fuming about her bending the rules, the new me said, 'great, as long as you are on time.'

8)


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## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

Hi mommy!

I am your dd and I am 24. Here's what I do.

Every night I pick out 2 outfits. I hang them on the cosleeper







:

In the morning I choose which one I want.

I would ask dd to do the same thing. In fact - YOU do the same thing. And maybe let your dd pick what outfit she thinks would look best on you. She will probably like the time together.

And ask her to hurry up. Have her bag packed the night before so all she needs is a shower (I know she takes one at night... but I need one in the morning to wake me up!), dress and eat breakfast. Maybe light a candle in her room when you wake her that is her "good morning" candle.

Good luck!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

that is a great idea. just yesterday I found where she threw a bunch of clean clothes on the floor of her closet when she changed outfits. grrrrrrrrrrrr!

I think we'll start the 2 outfit thing tonight and see how it goes. I have moved all the extra clothes out of her room into the laundry area, so she has a certain amount to choose from and not much else. We just got rid of 3 dresses that she has outgrown but continued to wear.

8)


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