# My baby was stillborn at 39 weeks



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Here is a message from our family blog - i'm just copying cause I can't type it out again..

hello to all of our family and friends. I'm so very sad to have to put
> this in an email, but there is simply no way I or Shaun can talk about
> this over and over yet - and there are just too many people to reach.
> I'm just mailing this to everyone in my inbox, if you can let others
> know that I haven't reached we would appreciate your kindness. I can't
> go hunting down info right now.
>
> On Monday the 8th, I had not felt the baby move all day, I thought just
> a late term quiet day, meaning that labor would be here soon. I felt a
> little concerned, but just kept prodding him hoping that something would
> happen. When Shaun got home we went to U of M at the advice of my
> midwife. She said that this happens a lot, and is likely nothing to be
> worried about, but we should check to be safe. They took us back to
> triage right away, and we both knew something was terribly wrong when
> they started the ultrasound. Ever since I was 10 weeks pregnant, we
> were able to see that tiny fluttering heart - the heart I had just
> listened to at my appointment last wednesday- the heartbeat was gone.
> Our sweet baby boy was gone! How can this happen? He could have been
> born and lived weeks ago - he was completely fine! There do not appear
> to be any problems, no cord issues, no placenta issues, nothing! They
> are doing more testing to see if we can get answers, but in 40+% of
> these cases, it just happens with no apparent reasons at all.
>
> For once I am grateful that Gwen was a cesarean, I had the choice to
> give birth this way again. Our baby was born still at 1:45am 9/9/08.
> We named him Dresden Shaun Ryan. He was absolutely beautiful and we
> were able to hold him and spend a lot of time with him while in the
> hospital. There are no amount of words to explain how we feel right
> now. We're just grateful to be back home where we can actually get some
> rest and digest everything that is happening.
>
> We are planning on doing a small memorial service in our home. This
> will be Friday evening or Saturday depening on when we get Dresden's
> ashes from the funeral home. When I get this information we will send
> another message with details.
>
> Again, I'm really sorry for sending this news in an email it seems
> beyond tacky - it's just easier to get this information to you while
> being alone with my thoughts and while Gwen is still at her grandparents
> house.
>
> Our love to you all,
> Shannon, Shaun, Gwen and sweet baby Dresden
www.ssryan.com

Another question for people who have gone through this. I have a 2.5 year old.. she's been nursing through the pregnancy, but usually only 1-2 times a day. Last night I started getting engorged and she didn't want to nurse! This morning she asked to nurse when she woke up, but didn't really do anything.. I don't know if it's because of the engorgment, or taste or what? I have a hard time pumping.. and I was considering attempting to donate some milk - but after trying to pump last night, I just don't think I can handle it.. This milk is for my son and I'll never be able to nurse him.. that thought alone makes me so devastated.

And it really feels too early to think about this.. but my mind keeps going here.. I had a c-section with my first child.. I was going to be doing a VBAC with this baby, but there is no way, I could have waited for labor or have gone through all of that to birth my dead baby, so I had the 2nd c-section.. which means, I'll now have to wait 9 or more months before even trying to get pregnant again! My DD will be almost 5 years old before she gets a sibling that she so longs for! I dont even know if I ever want to be pregnant again, but I can't imagine NOT - but did any of you have a cesarean and get pregnant sooner with your next? or later? I'm not looking to replace my baby, a year and a half just seems so far away!


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## I-AM-Mother (Aug 6, 2008)

i'm sorry for your lost.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry Shannon.







So, so very sorry.







I love the name Dresden, so beautiful. Were you able to spend time with him and take pictures?

I was in your shoes last year. Same situation, baby moving fine that evening then next morning nothing, she was gone. The single most horrible moment of my life was seeing that still heart on the u/s. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

About the nursing, can you manually pump a little out? Sometimes when taking a hot bath I would start to leak a lot, maybe do it there? Do you want to continue nursing or will that be too much for you? The closeness with your 2.5 yr old might be good. I remember the first thing I wanted to do after I got back from the hospital was grab hold of dd and never let go.

I didn't have a c-section so I can't give you any advice on that, sorry. I know there are others here who can though. I did get pregnant 4 months postpartum so I didn't wait long.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I saw on your blog that you do have pictures. That's good. I got copies of my dd in color, sepia and b/w. The b/w were the loveliest in the pictures where my dd was especially rosy. If you ever want to talk away from the boards please pm me.

This always hurts so much to read about someone else. I've got tears running down my face just reading your blog. Try to be really nice to yourself and grieve as long and as much as you need to. Peace to you and your family.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

sweetheart,
you are so in my heart. its kind of you to worry about etiquitte and all of that, but everyone understands, believe me. you and hubby and dd take care of yoruselves. you are not alone in this, get what you need.
i think its great to be thinking of the next baby, but dont fret about the details. they will have a way of working out, i promise. big hugs to you.


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## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

I couldn't read without posting. I have no idea the pain you are going through, I just wanted to say I am sorry. I am thinking and praying for you and your family, and for precious Dresden.


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

Shannon, I'm so sorry. I'm in Ypsi--PM if you'd like to meet for coffee or if there's anything I might be able to do to help.


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## mondomom (Apr 9, 2008)

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling.


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## tarajean56 (May 2, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.

I wish I had the book and could get the reference for you, but at one of my ICAN meetings, our leader was saying that there is research out there that says your scar completes healing 8 weeks pp - so getting pregnant anytime after that is really ok.

I pray you find peace and healing.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Oh, mama! I'm so terribly sorry.

Sweet Dresden


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## Nanethiel (May 21, 2008)

I am so very sorry, Shannon. I have no words for what I feel.. big hugs to you and your family.


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## Asher (Aug 21, 2004)

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, mama.


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself ok?

Do you feel ok at the thought of nursing dd? Maybe if you keep offering she will catch on again.....how long was it that she wasnt nursing? Please dont feel obligated to give your milk.....you have to do what YOU feel is going to help YOU ok? Btw, I read your blog and was touched at how concerned dd is for you......I think she will be a great comfort to you and your hubby.

I am not sure how long you need to wait after a c/s......I am sure someone else will have the info you need.


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## KinseysMom (Sep 7, 2008)

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I have gone through a similar experience, however I lost my child at birth. We still don't really know why. If you need to talk, I'm here.


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## William's Mom (Oct 6, 2004)




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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Oh, Shannon, I'm so sorry. My baby boy died in labor in April. I had a crash C/S, but he was too far gone when he was born. The single worst moment of my life was when I woke to find DH holding our dead baby.

I'm so glad that you spent time with your sweet baby. Please feel free to share pictures of Dresden with us, if you want to.

As for getting pg again, it is totally normal to starting thinking about it, even this soon after your baby has died. Sometimes the thought of another baby is all that keeps me going. My OB told me 6 months, but recently gave me the go-ahead to TTC now, which is 5 months. Advice from the medical community seems to vary on how long to wait.

I hope that you are getting support from friends and family. Vent, rage, scream...let your emotions come right now. I'll be thinking of you.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Shannon, I'm so sorry for your loss (((HUGS)))

Milk - my ds was 3.5 when may daughter died at 40 weeks. He was not nursing but my milk did come in. Ouch did it come it. I thought it was cruel to have to endure engorged breasts as a constant reminder of what I had lost (not like I didn't think about it all the time anyway). I did express a little out when I was in the shower to relieve the pressure but I didn't want to encourage the milk to remain around so I did not express much. But you may want to because dd is still nursing. I did use cabbage leaves to give a little relief. The only reason this works is because it is cold and has a breast shape which fits well into a bra -- a little smelly though, after a while.

Get pg again - I didn't have a c/s. I'm sorry that you had to make such a choice. I know people who have gotten the goahead to ttc after 4 months of healing or so.

In general - I, like Amy, am sitting here crying reading your blog. I am always so emotional when I read of another baby dying and another mama in pain. I don't know why this keeps happening. It makes no sense and I have no answers for you. Only that in time, it will get a little better. One day you will go the entire day without crying but not for a long time. I was in shock for about 2 months and when that wore off, it got worse not better. For now, it is enough for you to make it through the next minute, the next second. Hold on to dd, she will provide and immense amount of relief over the coming weeks and months. We are here to listen.


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## Finding Serenity (Aug 10, 2005)

My heart is breaking for you. Sending you














. Much love and light to you.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so deeply sorry


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## Jax Mom (Sep 10, 2008)

Shannon.. I am so sorry for your loss, and the loss of every other mom that has posted here. I lost my baby Jackson at 37 weeks on September 5, 2008. It's been a week today and has finally hit me. I think I was in a state of shock until today. I too can relate to your desire to TTC again. I'm already thinking about it. I didn't have a C-Section though so I can't tell you how long you would have to wait. I'm hopping my OB will give me the OK to start trying again in the next couple of months. Again I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I both are still in shock that this actually happens to people. Finding support on this site and another site has been helpful to me and I just want you to know if you ever need to vent , talk, anything please message me. That goes for anyone on here who has suffered this type of loss. I want to repay the support that I've received so far.
God Bless
April (Jax Mom)


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss and your family is in my prayers.

Our newborn died 12 hours after he was born on August 16th. I would say that a HUGE part of my grief is for our 4 year old son. Like your LO, he was so looking forward to being a big brother. I have a hard time just typing this out because I feel so for him. He talks about his little brother a lot. Each week that has passed he seems to be doing better but I hate the fact that our family - which was going to be complete after our second son arrived - now has a huge hole in it.

We wanted our kids to be spaced about 4 years apart. But now our oldest son is an only child again. If we decide to have another baby they'll be even farther apart in years.

I wanted to share so you'll know there are others who share your pain. You are not in this alone.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

About your engorged breasts, I can tell you what I did. I wore two sportsbras and put two bags of frozen peas between the bras. DS was my firstborn, so I wanted to stop my milk. At the advice of my CNM, my mom cooked all my food with fresh sage...sage on green beans, veggie soup with sage... And DH ordered me sage tea from a natural foods store. The engorgement lasted about one week, but I never was in much physical pain because of the heavy pain meds for my C/S.

Re: when to TTC after a C/S, I just remembered that I posted this question on the VBAC board: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=933994. I think the answer might also depend on whether you want to VBAC or have a planned repeat C/S. My CMW indicated that a repeat C/S would be less risky when there is a short interval b/t pregnancies. If you want to VBAC, you might be advised to wait longer. I will likely opt for a repeat C/S.


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## Kiera09 (Sep 2, 2008)

I can't imagine.


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## luckysam (Jan 12, 2008)

I am so sorry for your profound loss, and truly touched by your story, your support, your sweet angel Dresden and his magical big sister. I am sending all love and light possible your way.


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

I am so very very sorry for your loss.


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## anyuka (Aug 10, 2005)

So sorry for your loss


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I am so sorry that you have to know this pain, we are here for you and the many wise mamas here have great advice.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could say something else, but I can't...







:

re: getting pregnant. Aaron was stillborn in November. I've been actively ttc (as opposed to just being sloppy about birth control) since June. No luck so far, but I would have been quite happy to be pregnant long before 9 month's pp.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, Shannon, I am so sorry for your loss of Dresden.
I am so sad for you and your family.
Really, there are no adequate words to express
how very wrong and unfair the loss of a sweet babe is.
Take all the time to grieve that you need . . .
it is a long, hard journey.
I'm glad you can take comfort in your daughter; my living
children helped me so much to get through the dark days.
I didn't have a c-section with my J.T. He died during labor -
before I got to the hospital - from a cord accident. I knew
almost right away that I wanted to TTC again. I waited the 3
cycles that my doctor advised and was pregnant with my Rainbow
in just over 2 1/2 months. He was born perfectly healthy via a
scheduled c-section. It was a tough pregnancy physically as
well as mentally/emotionally - but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Wishing you comfort and peace.

Em


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## Michelle Renee (Dec 31, 2005)

I am so sorry

*hugs*

I am local to you. If I can do anything - let me know.
I have a 2 1/2 year old too. If you ever need some quiet time - Violet would love a playmate for a bit. PM if I can do anything

Take care
Michelle


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Mama, I am crying and praying for your family.


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## ChickityChinah (Jul 25, 2007)

Oh, Mama. I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family, especially your DD, will be in my prayers. I am in the Detroit Metro area as well, and if there is anything at all that we can do for you (I have a 2 1/2 y/o DD too), please let us know.


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## mommaknowsbest (Aug 28, 2008)

No words,just many














:







, for you and yours.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I am SO sorry about your loss. I know EXACTLY how you feel. just remember that. there are a bunch here who have had stillborns. please come here when you can/feel up to it.

huge huge hugs


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## CrunchyGranolaMom (Feb 5, 2002)

My heart goes out to you and your family....







:


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## anywaybecause (Jul 9, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I will keep you all in my thoughts & prayers. My heart breaks for you! <<hug>>


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## RasJi7 (Sep 25, 2007)

Baby Dresden


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## Erikajo (Apr 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is just breaking for you.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Thank you so much everyone! It feels really helpful to read all of your positive thoughts and stories of families who have gone through the same thing we are experiencing - although tragic to know just how many are affected by horrible events like this, it helps with coping, knowing that we arent all alone.

We had his memorial yesterday - it was nice, it felt good to have so many family and friends surrounding us with their love. I am in awe of the generosity and caring of others.

The visiting nurse is coming today to remove my cesarean staples, then i'm off to get some cabbage leaves to try helping with milk 'issue' - who would have ever thought milk in my breast could be an 'issue!'


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Shannon, my heart breaks and cries for you... I am so sorry you have to go through this and I can understand all your concerns. For us, the age spacing betw siblings have also become an issue.









For some ideas on how to stop lactation, pls click on the link for "group blog" on my signature and when you get there, on the LHS you will see an article that compiles all the advice for stopping lactation. It is brutal, having the milk coming in and being so engorged.
















Dresden









Thinking of you, and sending you peace and strength


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

I'm heartbroken for you, Shannon
















Dresden


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## xochimama (Oct 11, 2006)

Just wanted to send love and healing your way.








Dresden









Cristina, from September DDC


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

What a beautiful name! I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is just hurting after reading your posts. I am just so sorry mama.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Shannon







Oh your pain is so fresh and reading your blog really brings back those floods of memories. I also can relate for the immediate need to get pregnant again, I have had that all along even though when the time comes each month to try I would find reasons not to. I lost my son at 39 weeks also, he was with me and then he was gone I didn't know until my midwife came while I was in labor and didn't find a heartbeat at which time I went to the hospital to also endure the most painful birth (not just emotionally) that I grieve as well. I was fortunate that my 2 yr old son was able to handle my milk situation.

I'm so sorry, if you ever want to talk I'm a PM away. I may not be on here as much since I seem to grieve by myself so much, but I am around for anyone that needs to talk, I love talking about my son.


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