# Am I the only one who feels this way?



## Nicole McGraw Dorr (Nov 14, 2006)

I had a very rough, abusive childhood. I have made a commitment to my children and myself to practice gentle discipline to the best of my ability. I don't spank my children (ages almost 5 and 3 1/2) even though I definitely have the urge to when I'm angry. I have fought my past demons very hard to get to a point where the urges are even far and few between. I do yell when I am extremely frustrated but I am working very hard to stop yelling.
When I am out in public and I see a parent being rough with their child, I get very shaky and angry as if I am their child and feeling like those things are happening to me. I have heard this is similar to what some might think of as a form of port traumatic stress. In these instances, I have been known to say something to the parent before, because I want that child to grow up having heard at least once in their life that there is a different way so that they might someday grow up and not repeat the cycle with their own children. For me this happened because I heard the adults in my life laughing at and making fun of others they knew who DID practice gentle discipline and didn't spank their kids; so as an adult I searched that out to find whatever was furthest from how I was treated because I knew my childhood had been awful and didn't want to repeat that for my kids.
Because I feel so strongly against spanking, I also don't pursue relationships with people who treat their children this way. Firstly because of how I feel when I see it, but also because I don't want to put my children in a situation where they are seeing it as acceptable behavior.
I was recently told by some other mothers that I was very wrong for automatically deciding I didn't want to build a friendship with certain other moms just because they acted violently towards their children (who have engaged in publicly spanking them and grabbing them by their hair on multiple occasions, all of which are age 3 and younger) ; but I feel like it is a REALLY good reason for not being involved with them. And while I am not asking for validation of my feelings, it was told to me that I will be a very lonely person if I can't just look the other way/ get over it/ etc. (which I am not willing to just accept it as normal parenting behavior.) So my question is: I am wondering if there is ANYONE else out there that feels the same way I do? That consciously make it a point to not hang out with people who treat their children this way?


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

It's hard. I seek out mummy-friends who have gentleness in common over all other things. My closest mum-friend had completely different births to me (highly medical/surgical) and didn't BF her babies (tried but didn't pursue it) but she is loving with her kids, she doesn't spank, or shame, she yells (so do i!) but works on it as much as i do too. My DD is VERY sensitive to others emotions, mainly, i think, because she cannot predict when they're coming, and she HATES when another child is being talked to sternly, let alone hit.

However we DO have some relatives who behave that way, and since we cannot cut them out of our lives, i just try to shield DD as much as possible when we're around them.

Quote:

I was recently told by some other mothers that I was very wrong for automatically deciding I didn't want to build a friendship with certain other moms just because they acted violently towards their children (who have engaged in publicly spanking them and grabbing them by their hair on multiple occasions, all of which are age 3 and younger) ; but I feel like it is a REALLY good reason for not being involved with them. And while I am not asking for validation of my feelings, it was told to me that I will be a very lonely person if I can't just look the other way/ get over it/ etc. (which I am not willing to just accept it as normal parenting behavior.)
I completely agree with you. I would avoid, and REPORT "friends" i saw abusing their children this way. "There are more of us than you" is not a justification for violence or abuse. I would tell them that it is exactly that sort of bullying attitude you DON'T want your children to grow up with and keep your head high. They might have the majority, but you have the moral high ground as far as i'm concerned. And for the record i'd rather be lonely than hang out with people who disgust me.


----------



## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

I'm having keyboard problems, but to respond. I have friends who do not use GD. They are good parents who love their kids. They aren't abusive, but be pretty stern and harsh. One of them asked me, why my son and I were so close
and why despite having ADHD, he's fairly well behaved. I used this as a chace to talk to her about GD. I've noticed over time, her approach to her daughter has changed. She stopped screaming and while she used time outs, it's a much more effective and thoughtful manner. Since the mom is more in control of her self so is the daughter.

Wow, it's really hard to write without a "N" & a "B", I'm happy for the on screen
key board.


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

My experience has been that it is almost impossible to find a family in the southern United States that has never spanked and thinks all spanking is wrong. Believe me, I have looked! I have gone as far as starting GD playgroups, advertising in newspapers for GD families, advertising on homeschool groups for GD moms to meet up with, and still found that most parents who believed in GD either spanked a few times, or believed it was okay in rare instances. You are looking for people who think spanking is ALWAYS wrong and would NEVER do it--very rare in many areas.

My point is that depending on where you live, it may be impossible to find friends who are 100% against spanking and have never, ever spanked or threatened to spank.

I have wound up friends with people who are very pro-spanking because yes, indeed, it got lonely trying to find anyone who didn't believe in it.

Edited to add: The previous poster raises a good point--I do notice that it has a good effect on spankers to be friends with someone who never spanks. If you can be that person, it is great to show how you discipline without spanking. Many people just have no idea what that looks like.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

But believing spanking is valid discipline =/= to yanking kids about by the HAIR surely!? That really shocks me - i know a few people who either believe in spanking or don't believe but don't seem able to stop themselves in the heat of the moment (who i was friends with before we all had kids) but they don't grab their BABIES by their HAIR! I know my B/SIL's think spanking is ok/necessary but even they would step in if they saw a parent grab a child by the hair and spank.


----------



## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
But believing spanking is valid discipline =/= to yanking kids about by the HAIR surely!? That really shocks me - i know a few people who either believe in spanking or don't believe but don't seem able to stop themselves in the heat of the moment (who i was friends with before we all had kids) but they don't grab their BABIES by their HAIR! I know my B/SIL's think spanking is ok/necessary but even they would step in if they saw a parent grab a child by the hair and spank.

I agree with you. Mostly when I hear about spanking on this board it is mostly to the extreme. I was spanked until a certain age and the things that is in the OP post my parents never did and wouldn't do and they believe that type of parent is not called for. I can only recall getting spanked once but I sure there was more, also my parents didn't do it for everything it was a once in a while type of thing.

If I was to seperate myself from everyone that spanks I would have no friends except for the superficial friends I meet at playgroups don't turn into the true friendship I have with my long friends. Now with the example from the OP that type of parenting I would try and not bring my kids around and I can see how that would make the friendship grow apart in ways. But there are some parents that don't spank their kids in public or only use it on rare moments. Also some friends would understand why you don't want your children to see spanking.

And like one poster said some people can become inspired by those that do not spank.


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I will not be friends with people who spank their children. It's not really up for discussion for me. I, too, had a violent childhood, and I start to relive those demons every time I see anyone hitting their child, even if they're falling within what most consider acceptable violence toward children. Beyond that, the couple of times we've seen someone hit/spank a child in public, my son has become really distressed over it, so it's not something I would expose him to. Family is a different matter, but I do try to shield/avoid as much as possible.


----------



## neverdoingitagain (Mar 30, 2005)

I had to reply.
I had a childhood much like yours. I too, fight those demons of discipline everyday. I yell alot. I'm working on it. Anyway...
Would I be friends with someone who physically disciplined their children in public? No. Absolutely not. Just like I could never be friends with a man who beat his wife. To me, abuse is abuse no matter how well-intentioned. Believe me when I say this, its taken me YEARS to get to that point. I grew up believing that spanking was not only fine but absolutely necessary. Now, I can't do it. I can't justify spanking or physically hurting any human being to get my way.
If I can't justify it in myself, I am certainly not going to condone it with my friends.


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nicole McGraw Dorr* 
I was recently told by some other mothers that I was very wrong for automatically deciding I didn't want to build a friendship with certain other moms just because they acted violently towards their children (who have engaged in publicly spanking them and grabbing them by their hair on multiple occasions, all of which are age 3 and younger) ; but I feel like it is a REALLY good reason for not being involved with them. And while I am not asking for validation of my feelings, it was told to me that I will be a very lonely person if I can't just look the other way/ get over it/ etc. (which I am not willing to just accept it as normal parenting behavior.) So my question is: I am wondering if there is ANYONE else out there that feels the same way I do? That consciously make it a point to not hang out with people who treat their children this way?

I would definitely not hang out with people who treated their kids that way! I wasn't spanked as a child, but I still get very upset whenever I see a child being shouted at or treated badly in other ways. I don't really ever see kids being hit or pulled by the hair, and if I did I would say something to the parents, possibly also report them to the police, as hitting children has been illegal here for almost 40 years.

I would not want my child to see other children be treated badly, and I absolutely prefer being around people that it is nice to be around, and that treat each other with respect.


----------



## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

This is tough. The OP's post really resonated with me and my personal history and I have stepped in too in public when things seem to be out of control. (i.e. You really can't spank a toddler into their car seat. No really, you can't. So don't do it!







)

I do know moms who spank and who use time out in a way I don't agree with. It depends though on the degree that they use/abuse these methods. I can accept almost any thoughtful, conscientious approach to parenting and discipline. Even spanking can fall under that umbrella, but I think it's rare. Too many parents spank out of emotion as opposed to any controlled intentional discipline imo.

I ended up socializing with a momma recently who proudly proclaimed 'You have to beat your kids. I smack mine around.' I was just appalled. If she thinks her boys are bad now, wait until they get to puberty after being 'smacked' and told to 'quit yer cryin''.









It's when parents should know/do better that I have a problem. Like the child psychologist in my mother's group who spanks. I don't get that although she's pretty intentional with it and I don't believe she's acting out of anger--it is just. so. hard. to watch a child's obvious needs be met with hitting. I get the momma who smacks; she's not someone to research or read, I don't think she went to college, she's doing what was done to her, she's alone most of the time while her DH works out of state etc...

Anyway, I'm rambling here. I guess my philosophy is I can't control the rest of the world. If I can find a way to be helpful/educate and/or maintain a relationship despite philosophical differences, then I go for it. Spanking is so common, it is hard to avoid.

And then I try to be compassionate and remember I am far from the perfect parent myself. We are all doing the best we can and parenting is hard work.

V


----------



## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I don't think you're overreacting. I don't build relationships with people who are violent in any way. I don't want my DD to witness violence done by people she's supposed to think of as nice or good people. I don't want her to think violence is an acceptable part of a relationship. Unless it's in self defense violence is BAD. I don't know the discipline methods of all of the moms who are our acquaintances but I haven't seen anything that indicates they are less than gentle.


----------



## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
I don't think you're overreacting. I don't build relationships with people who are violent in any way. I don't want my DD to witness violence done by people she's supposed to think of as nice or good people. I don't want her to think violence is an acceptable part of a relationship. Unless it's in self defense violence is BAD. I don't know the discipline methods of all of the moms who are our acquaintances but I haven't seen anything that indicates they are less than gentle.

Good point. Witnessing the violence is key for me too. I don't want dd to see spanking. So far (knock on wood) my social circle keeps spanking private.

V


----------



## Dingletwitz (Nov 4, 2009)

you're not the only one--we don't hang or associate much with spankers either


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I don't think you're wrong. My friends are not perfect, but none of them espousing hitting or spanking as the best way to discipline. We've all made mistakes, had bad days--I'm not judgmental about that. I just talked to a friend this morning who is being driven crazy by her 3.5 year old--she said some pretty harsh things on the phone, and she was angry at herself for losing it with her DD yesterday. I have another family member, though, who is a spanker, a yeller, and I think the way she talks to her kids is terrible. She's family, so all I can do is limit my contact with them.

I choose not to be around that kind of behavior, and I don't want my DD to see it. I'm not lonely living this way--do agree with other posters that geographically, some areas are more into spanking and that stinks, but happily here in NJ we're a pretty mixed bag.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

my brother and i were spanked as children. but we were never abused. we were always loved and knew it too.

and so in a sense i can relate to people who spank like i can relate to my parents who didnt know any better.

the decision not to spank - to the non spankers around me - seems almost an inner journey. its not so much someone told me to. its almost an inner knowing that even though you want to last out you dont.

no parent around me is abusive. they all deeply care for their children. they just follow different philosophies. and so i am friends with them.

and yes it makes them notice adn think that i dont use any of their techniques, yet i get better behaviour out of my child.


----------



## Mommy2Liz (Jun 12, 2007)

Nope. You are not the only one. I cringe when I see people being aggressive with kids. I generally don't want to hang out with people like that. I am raising little people, they deserve just as much respect, if not more, than adults. I agree it is hard to find people who don't think spanking is perfectly normal and acceptable.


----------



## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

You're not alone in this. I don't associate with people who harm their children.


----------



## mort20 (Dec 15, 2009)

I think there is nothing wrong with your decision. You're doing it right. So what if you don't befriend them, there are other mothers on the neighborhood who does parenting like the way you do it. Being a friend, you should be a role model, not just to your children but also to your friends' children. Spanking a kid is not right because they are too young to notice what they are doing. Words can do better disciplinary actions. And another good way, if they (kids) did something right, reward them so they will continue the good deed.


----------



## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

Oh, your post brings back the feels i have towards my mom. My mom was a hair-puller...i dont know how young i was when she did it, but i remember her doing it to me in middle and high school! I like OP am working really hard to use gentle techniques with my kids and thankfully, I have really good examples to follow. I do know people who spank and though I don't agree with that, I also don't put it in the same category as the kind of abuse i received at all. I have friends that may or may not spank (i really don't know) but if they did, I might talk to them about it, but I would also trust that they were not just taking their emotion out on their kid. I'm in a place where I don't deliberately make friends with people who I know are harsh with their kids, but friends that i have for years I'd rather wait for an opportunity to talk to them instead of just cutting them out.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I do have friends who spank, but it hasn't been an issue because that isn't all they do and they don't discipline for the world to see. They also would never grab their child by their hair or humiliate their child with public shaming of any sort. I think hair grabbing is abusive and warrants a report to CPS not an invitation to friendship.

I don't choose my friends based on their discipline beliefs, but I do choose them based on how happy I am to be around them. If they are yelling at their kids and scolding them a lot when I am with them or making the atmosphere unpleasant I don't choose to be around them. If you have only found people who spoil the atmosphere with their yelling, hitting, and scolding then I think you should accept being lonely for a while until you can find calmer and funner people to be around.


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Really? They say you will be a very lonely person if you don't hang around people who spank their kids? What a wierd attitude this is! I mean, first of all, is there a required number of friends a person is supposed to have? I'd rather have just two who share my same values, than two dozen who whack their kids. How would I enjoy their company if they were doing something so patently offensive and against my deepest held feelings?

I used to get something similar on the subject of diet. When my guy was a toddler I wouldn't let him have candy...there are STILL some that I won't let him have. And they'd say derisively "you can't protect them forever." Jeez. What an extreme. I think that in both cases you are dealing with parents who are a little jealous that you're doing what is a VERY HARD THING to do. And they're not. You might be making them look bad. Just a thought!!

Hang in there!!


----------



## twead (Apr 23, 2007)

Oh so many good responses here. I think based on your history you have EVERY JUSTIFICATION of why you don't want to be friends with people who hit. Even if you didn't have the history you do, who are they to tell you who to be friends with. I think it is totally arogant on their part. Do you tell them how to make their moral decision? (Please forgive if I am overstepping boundaries here) I think that some deep soul searching or counseling may be helpful to move those demons a little further out, help you to not relive your childhood when you see others not being GD. It may give you an opportunity to be around some parents who do spank but not out of emotion, with the ultimate goal of being an example to others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about those who are abusive, I'm talking about those who just don't know any better and would probably be open to a more gentle way.

I know both dh and I were spanked as children. I was not abused however. It was the only parenting method that they knew. I forgive them for their ignorance. I purposefully seek out friendships where the parents practise GD. I find it a good example for me. It gives ME tools to use instead of the ways that are ingrained in me from my childhood. I have to admit, I have spanked and yelled. Not proud of it. But as time has progressed and I continue to hang out with these wonderful mamas I am able to become more gentle, more understanding.

Bottom line, these women are not seeking your friendship they are seeking validation that how they parent is ok. Abuse is never ok.


----------



## Anna's Lovey (Dec 24, 2008)

I just want to offer my support. I would do the exact same thing in your situation. You're protecting yourself and your child by not associating with people who clearly are harmful parents and toxic friends. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a situation where someone was using any kind of physical punishment on their kids, and I certainly wouldn't want my kid to witness that.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
I also agree with the poster who suggested reporting the parent or abuse. I'm pretty sure hair-pulling is frowned upon by CPS.


----------



## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

I struggle every.single.day. with this. Not the urge to hit my daughter..but feeling like a failure to my grandmother for not spanking. I know it's irrational, and I'm not going to spank my kid for my grandma's benefit. She is on my case all the time, and she tells her friends how I discipline, and they of course side with her. One of her friends told me " I'm not sure you should ever have more children, because you're not doing that well with the one you have, you can't even control one







" I couldn't say anything, and my grandma had her on speaker. If I would have opened my mouth, I would have cursed out an 83 yr old woman, who may have dementia, idk" I was abused as a child, emotionally by the grandmother *she's mentally ill, undiagnosed, unmedicated* Sexaully by my, well, sperm donor who is now in prison forever!, and I have to admit, I was spanked, sometimes with the belt, yardstick, flyswatter, barebutted etc. So I made it a vow never ever ever to hurt my child, or let her be hurt!! Not as long as I can help it.

I can't be around people who hurt their children, period. I know where you are coming from. Hugs!


----------



## Asparagus78 (Aug 14, 2009)

Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.


----------



## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Asparagus78* 
Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.

There's a lot of spanking in the US still. We have the Pearls after all.









So Canada must be ahead of the US in this regard.

V


----------



## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Asparagus78* 
Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.

I am in Canada too and I am always amazed at how many people in the US are surrounded by people who not only spank as a regular form of "parenting" but brag about it and tell others to do it









I do know that my sister has lost her cool before and spanked my niece, the only way I know that is because I asked my niece in a casual way if she had ever been spanked and she told me that her mom has spanked her before. My sister would prob be horrified to know that I know that she spanked her daughter. I know my mom has lost it and spanked my niece once before as well because my mom called me sobbing after it happened and said how horrible she felt and that it was a total loss of control and she felt pushed to breaking. My mom was spanked a few times as a child and she spanked me twice and slapped me in the face twice as a teenager (again a total lost it moment and I let her know that she broke my trust in her) I also suspected that my SIL has lost her cool and spanked her children once or twice when they were young but again she would never tell me and I am sure feels embarrassed and shameful for hurting her children (this is purely speculation).

I have never witnessed a child being spanked in public and if I did I think I would be freaking out and get security or call the police. i think that would be the response that a lot of Canadians would have. That would be truly horrifying to witness.







My sister was challenging as a child and knew how to push grown-ups of the edge and I had witnessed her being hit when we were children (a few times by various family members) and I started screaming and crying as if I was the one being hurt (it felt like I was being hurt) I never want my DS to witness another child being hit by an adult.


----------



## unschoolinmom (Dec 23, 2009)

I was never spanked, however I did get beatings with belts. As did dh and I know my family have used them on my children when they used to watch them (emphasis on "used"). We may have used to tap, but it is something dh and I do not do at all any longer as it hurts not only our children, but us as well.

Yes, my family has already threatened that if they watch our kids they have the right to discipline them as they see fit since we are asking THEM to watch the kids, so they don't. They go to their godmother who is anti-spanking as well. I think it's also cultural as I know many of those in my community (I'm african american) will proudly use tools to get their point across.


----------



## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *unschoolinmom* 
Yes, my family has already threatened that if they watch our kids they have the right to discipline them as they see fit since we are asking THEM to watch the kids, so they don't. They go to their godmother who is anti-spanking as well. I think it's also cultural as I know many of those in my community (I'm african american) will proudly use tools to get their point across.

Same here, I'm not african american, but most people in my community spank, we're in FL. The belt, flyswatter, yardstick, wooden spoon.. people dont' bat an eye when this goes on in our neighborhood


----------



## joanna0707 (Jan 2, 2009)

I think OP made the right choice.
I also avoid people and situations in which DS would be exposed to spanking or parents threatening their children with spanking or using harsh discipline. I'm Polish, some of my polish friends spank, yell, threaten their kids, I feel very uneasy around them. Last week I visited a friend I haven't seen in ages,she was constantly yelling, once she dragged her DD into a corner and forcefully kept her there,poor girl was crying all the time. DS was watching and listening very carefully, unsure what to do, I also wasn't sure how to react.
A while ago I have made the decision to widen my circle of friends in search of parents who are gentle with their children, I haven't seen some of my old friends for months and to be honest I don't miss them at all.

I agree with NellieKatz, I'd rather have two friends who share my values than dozen who spank and disrespect their kids.


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Haven't read the responses yet.

Depending on where you are, yes, not associating with parents who hit their children may lead to you being somewhat lonely. There are worse things than being lonely, though, and for you it sounds like being around violence towards children is one of those things.

For myself, I continue to associate with family and old friends who hit their children, but I limit our interactions to settings where I won't be exposed to it. Adults out together, but no kids around. Families together, but only in my house where there is a no hitting rule. Etc.


----------



## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

I will not tolerate violenece against children. Anyone who thinks that is an acceptable way to treat children is not someone I would want to be friends with.


----------



## my_baby_love (Jan 15, 2006)

I don't have the same past as you, but I also feel really wary about being friends with mamas who don't share the same parenting values as me. That's not to say that I have absolutely no friends who spank, but overall my friends have very similar parenting styles as me. And that's completely on purpose - I actively seek out other mamas who parent similarly to me and I do have friends







. Part of it is because I don't want my kids around some of that behavior, but part of it is because I am a better mama when I am around people who are also gentle and calm with their children.


----------



## nudhistbudhist (Jan 13, 2009)

I think you are a wonderful example to parents around you... THANK YOU







My dad beat my mom in front of us when we were little, and my mom spanked us with her hand, the belt and the wooden spoon...I cant watch any movies that even start to hint at domestic violence... I get physically ill and anxious. Anyways, I have caught myself starting to say the same things that were said to me as a child when I'm under the stress of a screaming baby and feel powerless to stop the crying... The words that I hear in my head everytime are the words of my parents, and they make me shudder when I think about them consciously, yet everytime my baby screams and screams and screams they are right on the tip of my tongue. I have not said it yet but I fear one day it may slip out....

"I'll give you something to cry about"

I wouldn't want my children to ever hear those words, from me or from any other parent that is talking to their child... So I am in total agreement to not having friends who spank or threaten violence.


----------



## Evelynmia'smom (Mar 8, 2009)

I also had an abusive childhood and am very sensitive to any type of violence towards children. I would absolutely not be friends with someone who spanked their children...and I would not want my dd exposed to this type of violence. I have found maintaining certain friendships to be very difficult after becoming a parent...(friends who let their 10 week old cio to the point of vomitting, threaten their children, etc.)
As a pp said, there are worse things than being lonely. As a survivor of childhood abuse the last thing you need while trying to heal and move forward is to be around violent behavior.


----------



## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

First of all - good for you for speaking out when you see children being abused. It takes guts to say something to a parent when they are hurting their child. And no, you are not alone. I would never be friends with someone who hit their child. Admittedly I am fortunate because i live in city where most parents I encounter don't engage in this (or at least would never admit it). I don't know anyone who spanks. How is it different than a husband who hits his wife? It's not different, in fact it's worse because a child is even more defenseless. Some people may actually have good intentions and honestly feel it is a proper disciplinary tool. I guess I might distinguish (although i still don't think it's OK) between those people and the ones who, out of passion, grab their child's hair and hit them!!! That is outright abuse and I would definitely intervene if I saw that and might possibly report it to child protective services. What is that parent teaching their child except that it's OK for a stronger person to physically overpower a weaker one?


----------



## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

By the way, I just noticed that you live in Brentwood, California. Do you really have trouble meeting non-spanking parents here?? That is right near where I live and I don't know a single person who would ever spank their child...


----------



## Nicole McGraw Dorr (Nov 14, 2006)

I am in the city of Brentwood, in east San Francisco Bay Area. Are you near here or near the Los Angeles Brentwood area?


----------



## Nicole McGraw Dorr (Nov 14, 2006)

Thanks to everyone for replying to my OP! I really appreciate hearing what you all have had to say!


----------



## Super_mommy (Nov 13, 2009)

We must never allow our DC to hang out in such places.. Once it enters their head it becomes difficult..


----------



## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

Oh, I am near Brentwood in Los Angeles. I would think there would be a strong contingent of non-spankers up in the Bay Area though...


----------



## hugzandkissez (Mar 5, 2008)

I could of written this post myself. I am so glad you posted this.
I feel very firm about not spanking. So much that I have never left my lil one with anyone who believes that it is okay. So I have never left him with anyone. Not even Grandparents or other relatives. I just don't trust anyone. I can't look the other way.
I also don't want my lil one to witness physical disapline.
I am in Tracy, Ca there is a group of us AP mama's in the area who like to meet together. Thank you for writing your post.
You can email me if you would like to get together.

BIG HUGS TO YOU!

~Ari


----------



## knucklehead (Mar 12, 2008)

I think it can be very difficult and frustrating at times to find like minded mothers to associate with. As a personal example, I believe strongly in preserving genital integrity and have a hard time finding parents who don't circumcise their babies, even among those who claim to embrace attachment parenting. I can't tell you how many women I have met who insisted on natural deliveries, breastfeeding, non-vaxing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, organic baby led solids, gentle discipline, etc. and YET have their babies genitals surgically altered. I can't understand the acceptance of that kind of violence against a child.


----------



## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I know how that feels, the two things I am most adamant about are spanking and circumcision, because they are violence against children. Anything else (birth choices, vaccines, breastfeeding, etc) are things I have my opinions about but wouldn't base my decision to be friends with someone on those things. I don't blame you for not wanting to expose yourself or your children to spanking. FWIW, I was spanked, and still have issues with it. If I do something wrong or get someone upset with me (even mildly) I find myself wincing like I'm bracing myself to be hit.


----------



## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

I'd call the cops if I saw that and thought the cops would arrive in time.


----------



## guestmama9971 (May 11, 2009)

-


----------



## mermaidmama (Sep 17, 2008)

I would not pursue friendships with people who were violent towards children either.
Stand strong mama.


----------

