# Would you have done this?



## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Possibly triggery**

DH and I have been house hunting for quite a while now. To rent, not own. So where we live it is extremely difficult to find a decent place to live regardless of price that accepts pets. We have been looking every single day online in newspapers etc. since Christmas. As of today I think we have actually gone to look at only 3 places. This is out of daily emails/calls and messages left for various rentals. It is terribly difficult.

We actually had a house picked out and the day before we were going to drop off the deposit we looked up the criminal reports from the area where the house was. There are websites out there that show you every crime reported to the police on the map. Everything from robberies to assaults etc..

So where this becomes a family safety issue is this. DH and I decided that we weren't comfortable living in what turned out to be an area with tons of crimes around it. In a 2 mile radius there were multiple robberies, a drive by shooting in a residential neighborhood, and multiple assaults. Really scary. DH was not having it. I agreed although I was disappointed.

So we found another house a few days ago and were all set to look at it. Before we go this time we go on the crime stats website again and literally 4 houses away is a level 3 sex offender, a child sex offender. That is it for me. There is no way I am knowingly moving into a house with a person like that only a few houses away. I just couldn't do it. I immediately called the owner to cancel the viewing. DH was in disagreement about this. We are desperate to get out of his mother's basement and we have the money all saved up it is just incredibly hard to find a place to throw our money at. DH thought we should have at least went and checked it out but I cannot imagine as I said moving in knowing there is a person like that only a few houses done.

From a family safety standpoint I feel like it is was by far the most simple and logical conclusion upon gaining the information we did. My job is to keep my family safe and I wouldn't have felt safe living there. Or at the very least comfortable. DH is very disappointed but he grudgingly agrees that we made the right decision. What do you think? I know every neighborhood is going to have it's own issues. I know that, but still, I feel like I should avoid what I can kwim?


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I would have seen it. The vast majority of sex offenders are never caught, and on average those who ARE caught and convicted have abused 50 children by the time that happens. Which means however safe you feel in the area where there are no REGISTERED sex offenders, there will probably be sex offenders. You just won't know who they are. Which, to me, is probably less safe than knowing where at least ONE of the potential threats is.

You should read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.


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## Nicoleandco (Dec 21, 2010)

I would have canceled too. I know the statistics, but it's different knowing it's right next door. We actually moved into an apartment to discover a sex offender next door. So we left our stuff in boxes and moved out three weeks later.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GoBecGo*
> 
> I would have seen it. The vast majority of sex offenders are never caught, and on average those who ARE caught and convicted have abused 50 children by the time that happens. Which means however safe you feel in the area where there are no REGISTERED sex offenders, there will probably be sex offenders. You just won't know who they are. Which, to me, is probably less safe than knowing where at least ONE of the potential threats is.
> 
> You should read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.


I agree with this. Also, the registry puts a lot of people on who, imo, should not be there. A 17 year old guy can be put on there for having totally consensual sex with his 14 year old girlfriend. To my knowledge, he'd be listed as a child offender, but clearly he's not a threat to the children playing in the park.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

It's shocking, isn't it? We live in view of one registered sex offender (different street, but you can see through the backyard of another house). And there's others in the general area as well. When I saw this, I also looked up my previous address, my parent's address, my in-law's address, and they all had neaby offenders. It's shocking because they really are everywhere. You think they live in some other town, but they live in every neighborhood.

If you could be safe by picking a sex-offender-free area, that would sound good but it would be false security anyway. You're only seeing the registered offenders. If your current address has none nearby, chances are better than not that you still leave near a scumbag right now.

While anyone who preys on any child should burn in hell forever, not all sex offenders are the same, for your purposes. You're probably worried about a scumbag who will snatch your child off your front lawn or the school playground. Those scumbags do exist. But other scumbags are preying on their own children or other family members, and aren't looking at your child or any other child. I suspect those are the most common of the scum. Other scumbags are gaining relationships and preying on false trust. Coaches, teachers, whatever. For this category, it doesn't matter whether the scumbag lives on your street or in the next town. (Also, some registered sex offenders are the statuatory sort - the 20 year old guy with a 16 year old girlfriend.)

My point is that they are everywhere, and your home location is the smallest factor on the list, if it's a factor at all. I guess maybe it would be more of a factor if you were actually living in a community home or group living situation with a sex offender, I can see that being a real factor due to much increased access and exposure.

When I say "they are everywhere," I don't mean it in a "so there's nothing you can do about it so you may as well forget about it" kind of way. There's a lot you can do about it. Certain things are far, far, far more important than the proximity of your house to a scumbag. Scumbags like easy prey. Easy prey might be kids who don't have a strong attachment to their parents or other adult, who are looking for a parental figure. Whose parents don't know or care where they are at a given time. Kids who feel inadequate and who have low self esteem. Kids who don't feel they can tell their parents things, kids who learn they have to deal with problems by themselves and without the help of adults. Kids who haven't been told about common schemes to be suspicious of and what to do (adult wants help looking for lost puppy or other help that would be more appropriate to ask of another adult if it were legit, that sort of thing). Kids who have learned to shut up, obey, suck it up, etc.

A scumbag doesn't want to take a risk on confident, assertive children whose parents are watching closely.

Yup, scumbags are everywhere. My best friend's father is a scumbag. My high school English teacher was a scumbag (and we all thought he was the coolest English teacher alive - but he made the papers when arrested, apparently he liked kids even younger than high school). My neighbor is in the system for preying on his teen son's girlfriend. We used to have another neighbor and I wondered about him and his daughter (zero evidence, just wondered). There are dark secrets in my extended family. And the examples I listed here are from all different communities and states. Best friend's father is a renowned doctor in a very upscale small town. English teacher, ditto upscale, suburban town. Neighbor, we're in a small working class city. Extended family stuff would have happened in suburban places in at least two states in radically different parts of the country. They are everywhere, and your vigilence must not depend on the registry.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I totally agree with this... So yeah, I probably would have gone to look. I'd feel some comfort I think in *knowing* for sure who to watch out for.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GoBecGo*
> 
> I would have seen it. The vast majority of sex offenders are never caught, and on average those who ARE caught and convicted have abused 50 children by the time that happens. Which means however safe you feel in the area where there are no REGISTERED sex offenders, there will probably be sex offenders. You just won't know who they are. Which, to me, is probably less safe than knowing where at least ONE of the potential threats is.
> 
> You should read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *laohaire* 

You're probably worried about a scumbag who will snatch your child off your front lawn or the school playground. Those scumbags do exist. But other scumbags are preying on their own children or other family members, and aren't looking at your child or any other child. I suspect those are the most common of the scum. Other scumbags are gaining relationships and preying on false trust. Coaches, teachers, whatever. For this category, it doesn't matter whether the scumbag lives on your street or in the next town. (Also, some registered sex offenders are the statuatory sort - the 20 year old guy with a 16 year old girlfriend.)

My point is that they are everywhere, and your home location is the smallest factor on the list, if it's a factor at all. I guess maybe it would be more of a factor if you were actually living in a community home or group living situation with a sex offender, I can see that being a real factor due to much increased access and exposure.

This. There is a registered sex offender living a few houses from us (it looks like he's living with his daughter and SIL - went through the neighborhood listserv like wildfire!). I don't have any contact with the family and it honestly doesn't concern me. I've never even seen him on the street walking the dog. I think there is FAR more danger from some scumbag forming a close relationship with my daughter than the random stranger on the street kind of thing.

I would definitely look at the house. What would you do if you found the perfect house without any 'red dots' near it and then a week later one moved in?


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Nicoleandco*
> 
> I would have canceled too. I know the statistics, but it's different knowing it's right next door. We actually moved into an apartment to discover a sex offender next door. So we left our stuff in boxes and moved out three weeks later.


I guess this is my feeling. I know the stats, I know the likelihood and scary truth is the people you know are far more often dangerous than the people you don't. I know that no matter where we live unless it is so far from other people that we are off the grid there are always going to be those kinds of people in every town. I know that so many more go unreported than are ever caught. It is scary, just on the news today some "coach of the year" little guy coach was arrested and charged with doing things to some of the kids on the team. It is so messed up.

FYI, I have major issues with the idea that a 17 year old can be labeled a sex offender for sex with their under age boyfriend/girlfriend. This has actually happened to a friend of mine and it has and continues to be an issue in his life.

This person that lived a couple of doors down was not one of those statutory rape kind of cases. These were little kids under 14. I guess like Nicoleandco said, it is one thing knowing that these people are everywhere but it is a completely different thing to be living within 4 houses of one of those people. So every time I take a walk with my kid I'm going to be scrambling past this house totally paranoid that this guy might see something he likes in my kid. Maybe it is a little paranoid but unfortunately we already passed and I can't say that I regret it.

I actually have read the gift of fear and at some point will be picking up Protecting the Gift.


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## wannabesmc (Dec 27, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Annie Mac*
> 
> I agree with this. Also, the registry puts a lot of people on who, imo, should not be there. A 17 year old guy can be put on there for having totally consensual sex with his 14 year old girlfriend. To my knowledge, he'd be listed as a child offender, but clearly he's not a threat to the children playing in the park.


Heck, in some states an 18 year old guy can be put on there for having sex with his 17 year old girlfriend. I know here in Illinois, at least when I was in high school, the age of consent was 18 and there was no loophole about age differences between parties. My ex-husband is 4 months older than me, but for those 4 months had my dad wanted to be a jerk he could have had the guy arrested. Granted I would have turned 18 and had the whole thing thrown out probably before it got to court, but my then FIANCE could have theoretically been charged with statutory rape for having sex with someone 4 MONTHS younger than him! (And who seduced him, not the other way around. I was his first, he was NOT mine.)


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

This would not have bothered me. I would have certainly checked out the place.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

I would have cancelled as well. Of course there are bad people everywhere, but I just wouldn't be comfortable knowningly moving into that situation. I agree with the PPs that Protecting the Gift is a great read though.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

i would have canceled.

i've moved 4 times in the past 2 yrs. all the sex offenders i've seen are 40-50 yr men committing crimes against children under 14yrs. not a single "teens in love" situation.


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## Sharon RN (Sep 6, 2006)

As a childhood survivor of sexual abuse, I have very mixed feelings about the sex offender registries. I think they can be really useful, and very dangerous, as it tends to take the focus away from the family and friends who are most likely to commit the abuse.

Did the information come from a reputable (run by the police department, etc) website? I've heard that many commercial websites, and even some news websites that offer "crime-trackers" are not always accurate. If the information came from a reputable website, I would hunt down the information about the actual crime (which is public record). A court clerk can often help with that. Then I would decide if I wanted to live there based on the information about the crime.

Registered sex offenders don't scare me as much as the sex offenders who have not been caught yet. Avoiding sex offenders is not the best option; teaching your children how to protect themselves and making sure they know they can always always always come to you for help and protection and that they will be believed are very important things you can do.

I would have investigated the case that led to the sex offender registration, then I would have seen the place depending on that information.


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

We own our home and have a rental property three doors down that is occupied by a sex offender. Their house is actually our bus stop. Truthfully, I had heard rumors (we thought it was the previous tenants) but finally went and checked because of this thread. It is the man currently living there with his girlfriend and her two kids, ages 8 and 10. He was convicted of 4th Degree Criminal Sexual Conduct against a child age 13 to 16 when a greater than 5 year age gap between the victim and the perp. He was 31 at the time of conviction. The four other mom's and I had a chat this morning, we are debating asking to have our bus stop moved. No children get on and off the bus alone, except for the two kids who live there. The rest of us are always there with our kids. I found out that in Michigan, at least, we can contact the courts for the transcripts of the trial, which I'm going to do so I have a better idea of what happened. If you can see what the charge was for, it wouldn't prevent me from looking at the house, and once you move in, you can't control who else moves in. You just have to be vigilant to protect your children and remember that it is most often family/friends not strangers who commit these crimes against our children.


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## wannabesmc (Dec 27, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sharon, RN*
> 
> As a childhood survivor of sexual abuse, I have very mixed feelings about the sex offender registries. I think they can be really useful, and very dangerous, as it tends to take the focus away from the family and friends who are most likely to commit the abuse.
> 
> ...


ITA with this. All of it. My mother drives me crazy. She keeps telling my sister that she needs to move, since she's in a town with a lot of registered sex offenders. But, here's the thing, the site she uses just tells you the numbers, nothing about who they are or exactly what they did. My sister lives about 4 or 5 towns away from us - and it takes me 15 minutes to drive to her house on side streets, dealing with 5 thousand (it sure feels that way, sometimes) stoplights. So, explain to me what makes her town any worse than mine? You really trying to tell me that these guys couldn't drive the 15 minutes to stalk the playgrounds by us if they really are the "bad" kind of sex offender? Not to mention, and this is the part that really gets me, the same woman who keeps telling my sister that she needs to move because of the registered sex offenders in her area has NO problem letting the uncle who molested me stay with us when he's in town. She's in total denial about my abuse, as near as I can tell she didn't believe me and has since blocked out the fact that I ever told her. BTW my uncle is not on any registries. My mom never filed any charges on my behalf, and by the time I realized that I could file myself I was a grown woman and dealing with it, and was afraid of what it would do to my grandmother. I told my other uncle's girlfriend, so she could kind of keep him away from my cousins, and left it alone.

edited to add: Not to mention, as so many PP have stated, just because there are no REGISTERED sex offenders, doesn't mean they aren't there. Don't forget that they're registered after a crime has been committed that they were charged and found guilty. You could move to an area that is squeaky clean on paper and be living next to Ted Bundy. Just because someone hasn't been caught doesn't mean they aren't doing anything wrong. For that matter, you could move into an area that really is squeaky clean and your child could be someone's first offense. Just because they haven't done it yet, doesn't mean they aren't going to.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Hey all OP here thanks for the replies.

I got my copy of Protecting the Gift yesterday and finished it today during DD's nap. Very interesting and very empowering in some ways.

I have been in specific situations where I have trusted that "gut feeling" and now I appreciate that so much more after reading the book.

In regard to the knowledge that sexual crimes are almost always committed by someone you know. I get this I really do but honestly knowingly moving into a house where there is a pedophile living a couple doors down just doesn't sit right with me. It is my job to protect DD from all that I can and I feel like if we moved into a situation like that I am not doing all I can to protect her.

On a side note, DH and I only use the police department websites as well as one other non profit site started by a group of families. We had specific information regarding the nature of the crime and the age of the victim. I certainly appreciate that the scarier reality is the countless people who have NEVER been charged let alone convicted of these crimes.

I guess that it is a personal comfort level for everyone and for me it was too much.

Thank you everyone for recommending Protecting the Gift, it really was a valuable read and I think i will re-read it immediately to doubly absorb the information. I am in fact probably going to recommend this book to every single mama I know.

I think the bottom line is when you are trying to protect your kids, do you protect them from even the really unlikely threats if you can even when the real danger often comes from within the family/friend circle? I say yes to this and thus the logic behind not being interested in the house.

Edited to add: Wannabesmc I am so sorry you mother is like that you have suffered at the hands of a family member. How horrible to have to deal with your mom like that on top of everything else.


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