# Help my baby is anti-social. Oh, and I'm new here



## Nu_Mommy_2003 (Jun 13, 2003)

Okay, I thought my son would grow out this by now, but he has not. He only wants me or my husband. Is it because our family only visits once every other week. He does not want to be held by ANYONE. Even if someone is helping him, he starts bucking, screaming, and crying. It is making my mother and my MIL crazy, because they want to hold and cuddle him so bad. My mother does not care if he cries she will hold him anyway. When she does this Don panics and cries uncontrollably, and yet she continues to hold him and goes room to room so I can not get him from her, or he cannot reach for me.

They say this is ALL my fault that he is anti-social, because I breastfeed, co-sleep, cloth diaper, and carry him in a sling. I continue to explain to them that this is the best that I can do for my child (so that they will not feel like I'm criticizing there parenting). My mother said that I'm teaching him to become a leach and hindering his development because I keep him so attached to me. Don has never had a bottle and started drinking from sippy cup at 3.5months. He has 6 teeth, started pulling up to a stand at 5 months, started crawling at 5.5months, and walks along the wall and with a walk now. He only has a problem when people(ANYONE other than DH and I) gets in his personal space or touch him. I take him to play groups every week (he only enact with the kids and cries whenever a parent touches him). By the way, He has no problem with kids 5 and under touching him.

IMHO - I think that the problem is Don does not see them often. My MIL nevers comes by, we always have to take Don to see her. That is why he only sees her every other week. I think its unfair and wrong for MIL to never come to our house, she always says bring him over. And I reply you are always welcome to come over here and see him, in which, she replies I wait to you bring him over. Argh! Oh, and lets not forget my mother, she comes over once a month and we are a 20 minute drive from each other.

I told them if you would visit Don he will get use to seeing you and will have NO problem being handled by you. BTW-both parents hate my neighbor because Don rather be with her then them, but he sees her every other day and she waits until Don comes to her before she handles and plays with him.

Is this just my baby? I want my son to love spending one-on-one time with the family, but I do not want him distress. Should I be taking action and letting him cry it out while family holds him OR continue letting him work this out on his own? I am getting really tired of my folks and my in-laws complaining about my son. Please advise! Oh and I read all the articles about separation anxiety and they do not help when relative do not take heed to them.

BTW- I am so dreading this Holiday because I do not want to deal with the criticism or argue with relatives because I will not let them hold Don when he will not go to them. And so so long, kind of venting here.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

Maybe this will give you some perspective...

When I clicked on this thread, I was expecting to read about a much older "baby", say two, three, four.

At nine months, this is, IMO, a non-issue. The grandmas want something that they can't have and are complaining to you about it -- as though you could change your baby's actions. I'd tell them to relax, babies and toddlers change so much from month to month. Still lots of time left to build a strong relationship with the g'mas!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Welcome to Mothering.com!!

You will fit right in here. Many of us parent just the way you do, so when you feel like you are the only one....just log on here!

This is so totally normal. Your mother and MIL are waaaay off base. My DD would happily go to anybody, but at around your son's age she became a bit shy. She wanted me and only me. This phase of increased attachment to mama (and other adults the baby is very familiar with and trusts) is TOTALLY normal.

Think about it: your baby is at an age now where he's exploring his world. This is the time for him to be cautious, to be clingy, because the world is a scary place. He has the physical ability to explore it, but not the mental or emotional capacity to stay out of harm's way. This is what Sears says too, and it makes perfect sense to me.

You are SO doing the right thing. And what your mother was doing was just plain MEAN, MEAN, MEAN. Ask her how she would feel if she was forced to be with someone she was frightened of or uncomfortable around. SHEESH!


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## DaryLLL (Aug 12, 2002)

This is prime age for this behavior. It is called separation anxiety. Rarely a baby will seem to be born with it, sometimes wanting only Mama, not even Dad.

It is practically universal with 6-12 month olds.

It is not caused by attachment parenting or, LOL, cloth diapers!!!LOL!

I would not want anyone to hold my baby who insists on holding them against their will and runs from room to room to keep me from them!

Also, when your baby gets to walking age, the place they play in will need to be toddler proofed. It would be much more convenient for mom and MIL to come to your safe house.

They are being unreasonable and selfish. Your child is *normal*.


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## Nu_Mommy_2003 (Jun 13, 2003)

Thx for the warm welcome. I just wish we could stay home for the holiday. I really dread think about how this holiday is going to play out.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Stand your ground.

THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

Look at them and Lie, LOL: Say I discussed this behavior with my doctor and he say I should hold him for the first 30 - hour or until he is comfortable with the home/room.

Doctor says that you (grandparent) need to be stand-offish then slowly warm up to him. Saying hi when he first enter but nothing loud or over grabby. Swear that the doctor says after a few visits starting off this way the baby will warm up.

http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/db2.asp

My youngest would cry at us turning into grand-ma's parking lot. But by 15 months she loved her grandma. She would grab the phone and say grandma. She is 3 now and thinks she dictates when we visit grandma.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Welcome to Mothering!

I had the exact same situation with my DD. She also would freak out (and I mean freak out) if anyone besides myself or DH touched her.

I think that a grandparent holding a screaming child against its will and going from room to room to get away from the mother is appalling - please don't allow her to do that. This is a BABY for heaven's sakes, the fact that she is properly bonded to her mother is only a good thing!

In my case, it turned out the my DD has Sensory Integration Dysfunction and is tactile defensive - in other words, one of her issues is that she does not want to be touched because it feels very different to her than it does a "normal" person. That's not to say that I believe that has anything to do with your situation - I just bring it up because I saw that my DD had a very strong reaction to other's touching her and I absolutely did not tolerate it. I basically told my MIL (my mom was understanding of it) that if she didn't back off and give DD her space, she was going to traumatize her and I wasn't going to allow it. Yes, I heard how this was "all my fault" and it literally went in one ear and out the other.

Stand your ground. I think your parents and in-laws are waaaaay out of line and your child is nothing but normal!! And your instincts are guiding you in exactly the right direction!

Good luck!


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## Kristine (Sep 26, 2003)

If your mother holds your baby and walks around from room to room with him, you need to seriously walk right over to her, take your son away, and tell your mother that YOU are your child's mother and an adult and insist on being treated as such. I guarantee that your mother will keep quiet if you assert yourself in this way. Your son is perfectly fine. He doesn't see his grandparents often it sounds like, and besides, he's not going to remember them at this age anyway, nor care. YOU are his mother, not them. He wants and needs you. His grandparents don't see him a lot and don't know what he's like all of the time. They just feel rejected. But if they treat you in the way that they do, your son will grow up and reject them because of their behavior towards you, his mom, and they should be aware of this.

Keep in mind also that he probably has separation anxiety which is normal at this age, and he might also be an introvert. In other words, this just might be his personality, and his personality is a part of him regardless of whether you co-sleep, carry him in a sling, etc. I do all of those things and my baby is a little social butterfly. But his dad is also the same way, so it's in his genes I guess. If you didn't practice attachment parenting, then your baby would be truly distressed. But you are and you are doing a wonderful job as a mom, and you should ignore the naysayers that rarely see your son, and tell them to mind their own business if they want a relationship with him.

BTW, most people have grandparent problems. I'd love to write a Vicki Iovine style book about grandparents and how annoying they can be, yet word it in a funny way so that grandparents won't get their feelings too hurt, but will get the message that they've raised their children already. Their work is done, and it's time for their children to raise their own.

One word on your MIL situation. If she doesn't want to come over to your house to visit, that's just the way it is. It's her loss, and you and your husband should NOT feel obligated to visit her all the time if she can't be bothered to meet you halfway.

Good luck with the holidays. Are you sure you can't just stay home with your precious baby and enjoy your own family? The holidays should be a fun time to cherish, and not stressful.


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

Not trying to be nosey but are you and dh young parents?? I ask because I have found it hard sometimes for younger parents dealing with their non ap parents. NOt all the time but too often;(

everyone else is right
THis is NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL for this age.
ANd Ita with the other poster what your mother is doing is Mean.
I would cry hard if someone was taking me away from my parent too!
Is there anyway AT ALL you can NOT go Thanksgiving?
I shut my mothers family down over some thngs pertaining to the kids. I told them " I have my own family now and we need to start our OWN traditions."

I guess that they have all forgotten this stage since theirs are grown.

If they can't respect his space or you then perhaps they should stay in their own space???

next time MIL wants you to take him over say no..
Make it clear if she wants to see him she needs to see him in HIS safe zone at HIS home where HE is comfortable.
And it isn't like she has to pack a diaperbag, load baby into carseat etc...

Sorry you are having to deal with this! (HUGS))


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## untomySelf (Apr 13, 2003)

boy, at 9mo he is as everyone has told you so very NORMAL.

You are not responsible for your family's agenda's (as others have also told you)

I went through this for the first two years!! They still think Im a bit nutty and "a new Mom" oh and the good ol "overprotective and not letting her ds learn to go to others" blah blah yeah yeah









Anyway, if it helps, my ds is now 3.5yo and is very happily social and STILL will no go to anyone he doesnt feel safe with. Im glad I respected his desire to stay safe bc its intact.

I dont know about you, but I wont go to anyone if I dont feel safe either! And Im 35









hth


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## Nu_Mommy_2003 (Jun 13, 2003)

Yes we are 20ish parents. Maybe that's why there giving me a hard time. And unfortunately







I can not get out of Thanksgiving with my InLaws this year.







Maybe I'll keep him in a sling and hope he doesn't want to get down and explore.

Thanks for the support and reassurance. I'll have to post an update on how it goes.


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## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

Not True Not True... the part

Quote:

ALL my fault that he is anti-social
My mil would come to visit and my son would start crying. He ever did that will any one else. I told her she has to let him come to her on his own. By the visits end (an hour) he climbs on her lap himself.
Just have them give him his space.

Now that my son is 19 months he is seeing people as people and will hide his head in my shoulder but peeks out and smile.

Oh I am still breastfeeding (Tons) and co-sleep. (not clothing it sorry)


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

My dd was the same way. I chalked it up to her personality, the fact that she's an only child, doesn't attend daycare, and we don't live close to any family that we see regularly. So she was only held by dh and I, never had practice being passed around.

We went to India when she was 12 mos. old and everyone wanted to hold her and she wouldn't have it, and let them know it. So what? She was shy up until about 3 mos. ago and now she'll tell anyone who asks all about whatever's on her mind at the time. So it just took her awhile to outgrow that.

Darshani


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Not only is it normal, but it's actually (IMnotsoHO) healthy. Shows that your baby is properly learning who is the Numero Uno in his life, mom&dad, and who is not.

It's what an experienced mama told me when I first was surprised by fierce stranger anxiety in my eldest ... went a long way toward making me feel better about it; thought I was doing something wrong, also ...

Like the idea about keeping him in the sling as long as possible on the holiday. Which will probably be okay with him, with all the new faces around ...










& welcome to the MDC fray ...


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

My ds was like this as a baby, and now as a toddler he's still quite cautious with strangers and has a serious, shy personality when we are around others.

That's just his temperament.

As much as people would like to make you feel like you did something to create that, I am here to tell you that babies are born with personalities too. It's not like he was born saying, "mommy give me a temperament and a personality"


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

My DD (19 mos) was also like this! it's not a matter of being anti-social - it's a matter of who they feel safe with, and that is YOU. My MIL also hated it (I never heard the end of it - the over dependent child I was creating, why does she not like me - blah blah blah) now at 19 mos DD loves her Grandparents - hugs & kisses them, etc.

So don't worry - it's understandable that they want to love on the baby, but if I were you I wouldn't let them take him off and let him cry - that will only make it worse. he will associate negative feelings with your mom and fear her - they are so much more in tune than we think. Just give him time. He's still a little baby so don't worry! You will be amazed one day at how he will blossom in a little social butterfly.

YES! Keep him in a sling as much as you can so he feels safe. You are doing a great job and everyone will see when he turns out to be so wonderful - they will never say another word!:LOL


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## EllieB (Nov 14, 2003)

I too had this situation with both kids and I know it hurt the grandparents feelings. I dealt with it a bit differently with each child. With dd I would let people try to hold her after they had been in the room for awhile and she was more used to them. If she protested I'd take her right back. (MIL also tried to take the baby out of the room so I couldn't take her away







). She seemed more comfortable if someone sat on the floor and played with her rather than holding her.

With ds I did let both grandparents hold him sometimes even if he cried b/c I was just more relaxed with the 2nd child. If he was really panicky or didn't seem to settle down after a couple minutes I took him back. I even encouraged my mom to take him out of the room b/c he was happier with her if he didn't see me there.

Both kids are now very very secure and will socialize with anyone so I can't say one way worked better than the other. I do understand the grandparents need to hold their grandchildren though, I try to think ahead to when I'm a grandmother and I know I would like the opportunity to be able to bond with my grandchildren as early as possible.

I'd say give the grandparents a few minutes to try to console their grandchild but if it's making you uncomfortable take him back. And don't feel bad about it.


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