# Ferberize



## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

I just received an email from one of my baby info sites. In the email the Ferber method is discussed. How could anyone with a heart do this







?

My SIL Ferberized with both DS. She was so proud that they were sleeping through the night at early ages. I'd rather have 2 yrs of sleepless nights than ferberize. They had to self sooth themselves and both became finger suckers and blankey lovers(still blankey lovers at age 6 and 4 and can't sleep without them). Meanwhile my DC used me as a pacifier and I didn't have to worry about dirty fingers in LO mouths.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Unfortunately a lot of people do it, with newborns even







It breaks my heart to hear about it. Poor little babies. It is abusive IMO


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## STJinNoVa (Dec 25, 2007)

Huh. Mine's already a finger sucker - has had that hand in her mouth since about three hours after birth - and has never been Ferberized. I couldn't possibly have my nipple in her mouth as much as she wants something in her mouth; she can't be latched on 24/7. I don't worry too much about dirty fingers - I just wash them every so often. Also, I remember having a beloved blanky for YEARS and was never Ferberized either. I think that's normal baby stuff; some kids do it, some don't. It's a good thing when they naturally develop self-soothing mechanisms, even if they're the same ones other kids develop when left to cio. Self-soothing is not a bad thing, cio is.


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## ricemom3 (Jan 29, 2008)

STJinNoVa, I am with you about self soothing not being the same as cio. My dd was a huge finger sucker. When she got old enough she always wanted suckers or gum, still does to this day. I guess its an oral thing. My ds1 had a blankie and a stuffed animal that were at least on his bed until about 3 years ago. He didn't still love on them, they just sat there. Neither of them were ferberized. My lo is also a finger sucker, and I agree about the latched on 24/7, wouldn't that hurt? Also would make it hard to drive. hehe


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## plantmama (Jun 24, 2005)

I'm wondering what "ferberizing" is, because I just heard someone recommend the Ferber sleep book at our baby play group (which I assume is the same thing?) and didn't really know what it was.
I guess I could google it, but that wouldn't be the opinionated version would it


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *plantmama* 
I'm wondering what "ferberizing" is

It's just another way of referring to CIO sleep training as advocated by Dr. Ferber.


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## ~ZooBabies~ (Jan 20, 2008)




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## PatienceAndLove (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
It's just another way of referring to CIO sleep training as advocated by Dr. Ferber.

But he recanted in Time.
I have no idea what issue- I need to find that out.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PatienceAndLove* 
But he recanted in Time.
I have no idea what issue- I need to find that out.

something about bfing and cio. I think he changed it to say not to cio until after 4 mo? I'm not sure if that was ferber or not.

I was reading baby center and it was an article of ferber







and I got a email from baby center and they had an AP sleep training and Ferber sleep training. Well, the Ferber sleep training didn't sork and the Sears one did!!!







But I felt absolutly horrible for the baby having the Ferber method done


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Danielle13* 
something about bfing and cio. I think he changed it to say not to cio until after 4 mo? I'm not sure if that was ferber or not.

I was reading baby center and it was an article of ferber







and I got a email from baby center and they had an AP sleep training and Ferber sleep training. Well, the Ferber sleep training didn't sork and the Sears one did!!!







But I felt absolutly horrible for the baby having the Ferber method done









I read that article, too. The baby probably would've been CIOed anyway. I don't think it was done only for the article.

I do remember hearing something later about not doing CIO until a baby was 6 months or older. I don't know if it was Dr. Ferber who said it or not. As we all know, it still shouldn't be done regardless of the age.


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## plantmama (Jun 24, 2005)

I was encouraged to see that the couple of web sites I read when I googled ferber all mentioned the controversy in a pretty positive way.
They all mentioned that some people say cio could result in long term emotional scars, even the pro ferber sites.
So at least people who do internet research may get a taste that it's not problem free and do more looking into it before actually trying it.
Let's hope so. CIO just makes my skin crawl and my heart sink.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

yeah, CIO sucks. and i find that more people do it than will even admit to it. like they think if baby only cries for 5-10 minutes, that's not really CIO...i have even heard people say what they do is not CIO because they go in and check on the baby!









i think letting a baby cry by themselves to sleep for ANY length of time is CIO. the only exception to me is when you have a baby who cries longer and harder when you are there and trying to help them get to sleep. i know there are some babes who will cry for 30 minutes if you try to rock or nurse (or even lie with them!!!), but will only cry for 5 minutes if you leave them alone. so to me that is different from CIO.

i don't have that kind of baby, but i have heard about them.

ETA: i guess how this relates to the original post, LOL, is that sometimes people think "ferberizing" does not mean CIO because you don't just let them cry indefinitely. you do check on them. so IME lots of people who use ferber will say "CIO is bad, i would never do that," but they are just doing a different form of CIO and rationalizing it to themselves.


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## BusyBeeMom (May 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
the only exception to me is when you have a baby who cries longer and harder when you are there and trying to help them get to sleep. i know there are some babes who will cry for 30 minutes if you try to rock or nurse (or even lie with them!!!), but will only cry for 5 minutes if you leave them alone. so to me that is different from CIO.

i don't have that kind of baby, but i have heard about them.

.

I've got that baby







He would cry, thrash, tantrum for up to TWO hours if I tried to hold/rock/soothe him. About 5 minutes if I leave him alone. So strange, and I wish I could cuddle him, but no...he's 14 months old though, not a tiny little one. When he was an infant, he slept better with me...go figure.


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## wetcement101 (Dec 2, 2007)

A lot of people are asking if my 3 mo old is sleeping through the night and offering help, CIO, Ferber, Babybootcamp?? I just say I can't and I won't and don't have a conversation about it.
I love this forum for affirming attentive night time parenting. And cosleeping, which is another fun topic...

Why is the duration of a baby's nightime sleep a measure of good parenting to be competitive about??


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## locksmama (Jun 7, 2007)

it's a western cultural thing that's all. if people had any knowledge of other cultures they would realize how ethnocentric it is to expect every baby to sleep the same. I've been trying to get this through my parents head and I think it is finally working!
it took my mom and entire MONTH of doing CIO every night when I was 3 MONTHS OLD until I slept through the night...could you even imagine that?????


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *locksmama* 
it's a western cultural thing that's all. if people had any knowledge of other cultures they would realize how ethnocentric it is to expect every baby to sleep the same. I've been trying to get this through my parents head and I think it is finally working!
it took my mom and entire MONTH of doing CIO every night when I was 3 MONTHS OLD until I slept through the night...could you even imagine that?????

I think there are a lot of people in the Western culture who know babies in other cultures aren't sleep trained. They also know families co-sleep and mothers breastfeed for years. The problem is that all of that is seen as uncivilized rather than biologically normal.


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## saimeiyu (Aug 13, 2007)

I accidentally offended someone the other day when I was at the bookstore. I was standing with my little brother, and we were near the baby books 'cause that's right next to the cafe-- and someone walked by, and they were talking about "ferberizing" the baby-- an older woman and a slightly younger woman, not sure who was mom-- but anyhow, the poor kid couldn't have been more than three months old.

So they walk by and they're chatting about ferberizing this kid, and I heard them, and I made an awful face, and my brother asked me what was the face for?
I stuck out my tongue and I was like, "Oh, you don't want to know. It's just baby stuff." and he was like, "no, seriously."
So I said,
"well you heard those women over there talk about 'ferberizing' the baby and how hard it was, right?"
and he's like, "yeah, but I have no idea what that means. What's with the face?"
well, I didn't want to get into it right there b/c I thought those women were still nearby, so I started walking back toward the craft books, and I was like, "Ok, basically ferberizing is a pretty, PC, feel-good word for torturing your baby by tossing them in a separate room and letting the poor kid cry while you ignore them and maybe pop in every 5-10-15, or 30 minutes. It's crap. It sucks because everyone always talks about how hard it is but it's worth it because yada yada yada. The thing is, it's NOT worth it and the reason it sucks is because YOU"RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ABANDON YOUR BABY. DUH."
so my brother is like, "Well, why do they do it?" and I told him,
"well, the same reason that women sometimes decide to FF-- They somehow get the stupid, mistaken impression that it's somehow more "convenient" or "better" or some such rot, or they convince themselves that it's for the "good of the baby because otherwise they'll never be independent and all that rot and it doesn't really matter how you treat the baby or feed the baby because they'll turn out fine anyhow. It's all the same selfish garbage spouted by people who didn't have kids when they started theorizing about this stuff. It's for people who care more about making the baby convenient than making the baby happy and healthy..."

... and I walked around the bookshelf to find those two women just standing there and staring at me, giving me horrid, horrid evil looks....

Oops....


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
... and I walked around the bookshelf to find those two women just standing there and staring at me, giving me horrid, horrid evil looks....

I think that's great. Probably about time they heard how awful it really is.


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

:[QUOTE: "Ok, basically ferberizing is a pretty, PC, feel-good word for torturing your baby by tossing them in a separate room and letting the poor kid cry while you ignore them and maybe pop in every 5-10-15, or 30 minutes. It's crap. It sucks because everyone always talks about how hard it is but it's worth it because yada yada yada. The thing is, it's NOT worth it and the reason it sucks is because YOU"RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ABANDON YOUR BABY. DUH." ..... It's all the same selfish garbage spouted by people who didn't have kids when they started theorizing about this stuff. It's for people who care more about making the baby convenient than making the baby happy and healthy..."

... and I walked around the bookshelf to find those two women just standing there and staring at me, giving me horrid, horrid evil looks....

Oops....[/QUOTE]








:

that is so brilliant! i love it.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I think that's great. Probably about time they heard how awful it really is.









: !! I think that was awesome!! i'm SO glad they heard you! You got your point across with out intentionally being rude to them!!


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## locksmama (Jun 7, 2007)

just thinking about how my dd was at 3 months...I can't imagine leaving her alone to cry at such a young age...like I said my mom did that to me and I wish someone had told her not to do that crap!! I'm glad those women heard you because the truth hurts but they need to hear it.
I also think about what people who don't co-sleep for cultural reasons and stupid reasons (not those of you that do it in loving ways for good reason and reasons beyond your control) miss out on by sleeping apart. All those kisses and smiles and coos and nose grabs and cuddles....and it is for such a short time...even when I get real frustrated I've just decided to keep her age in mind and the fact that it is so fleeting.
That's what people don't get I think. I don't think they can step back and realize how short the time really is and to make the most of it and just go with their instincts and desires to be close. It's such a shame.
Even when I'm really exhausted I just breathe and look at her and think about how fast this will all go. You have to be able to put things in perspective as a parent or it's easy to be overwhelmed.


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## wildflower18 (Jul 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *locksmama* 
Even when I'm really exhausted I just breathe and look at her and think about how fast this will all go. You have to be able to put things in perspective as a parent or it's easy to be overwhelmed.

I so needed to hear that right now! Thanks for putting things in perspective!! Not considering the Ferber method, but certainly getting frustrated with parenting things that are all time limited and will soon be gone.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wetcement101*
Why is the duration of a baby's nightime sleep a measure of good parenting to be competitive about??

I often wonder that myself!! It's the first question that most people ask me, as if sleeping through the night is some sort of badge of honor.


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## zoshamosha (Apr 15, 2006)

Well, unfortunately, I think a lot of parents choose to CIO because they feel like they NEED their kids to sleep through the night because they both have to be at work early in the morning. We live in a whole culture that is not very conducive to healthy parenting.

ETA: I'm not saying moms should not work if they want to, I'm just saying it's hard for parents who have to get back to work soon after their baby is born.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
... and I walked around the bookshelf to find those two women just standing there and staring at me, giving me horrid, horrid evil looks....

Oops....

It's too bad you didn't go on to mention that CIO floods the baby's little system with cortisol which makes him less able to deal with stress as an adult and can cause insomnia, depression, hypertension and other stress related diseases. Also there are lots of trust and ability to bond emotionally issues.


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## Pandme (Jan 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
It's too bad you didn't go on to mention that CIO floods the baby's little system with cortisol which makes him less able to deal with stress as an adult and can cause insomnia, depression, hypertension and other stress related diseases. Also there are lots of trust and ability to bond emotionally issues.

THanks for the list....I'm always saying this but I forget beyond insomnia what other issues it can cause. All I know is my mom is an insomniac and it's HORRIBLE. ANd both she and her mom are of the "Just let him fuss it out for a bit" mentality.

Firstly, it just wouldn't work. How would it help ANYONE sleep better to hear him crying? What helps us sleep better is when Harrison is not cutting teeth or bothered by the cutting teeth (yes, we will use Motrin when necessary to keep the night peaceful). Or developmental milestones. Etc. Basically, we suffer royally through some awful phases but they pass. And even during the awfulness, we usually get a slight reprieve of a decent night to get us through the rest of it.


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## MamaVolpe (Feb 27, 2006)

The whole Ferber method just reminds me of the movie "Meet the Parents" where one grandparent is trying to Ferberize the baby and everyone else is trying to undermine it by playing and cuddleing the baby when that grandparent is not looking. It is an hysterical movie, one of my favorite comedies. I would recommend seeing it if you haven't already.


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