# i caught my 10 yo ds smoking!!!!!!!



## damona (Mar 27, 2008)

the title pretty much says it all. my dh was missing cigarettes from his brand new pack (so it was pretty obvious) and after much drilling ds said that he'd taken the cigs and given them to his best friend (who is 13). unfortunately for him, he coughed and i was close enough to him to smell the smoke on his breath. i yelled. a lot. to the point where i was shaking. he's grounded for at least 2 weeks. probably longer. he spent the whole day in his room. he's not to hang out with his friend. he's going to stay home with his dad and pass out candy instead of trick-or-treating. i have no idea what to do with him. did i punish too much? too little? should i do/have done something different? help!!!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Ok, so your son is going to hang out with his smoker father to pass out candy? I don't see how that is going to teach him not to smoke.

Worry about the lying and getting dad not to set the bad example.


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## MaiseWren (Oct 26, 2008)

I know how yucky I would feel if my kids smoked. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I hesitate to say anything b/c I don't want it to come out wrong. But I can't help but think that kids model our behaviors. If dad is smoking could that be construed as a certain amount of sanction by a a curious youngster?

I am SO not pointing any fingers.
I know that w/ my kids the old "do as I say, not as I do" has blown up in dh's & I's faces more times than I can begin to count!

Maybe it would help to look past the behaviour to the impulse behind it. Curiosity? Experimentation? Peer pressure?

Big hug Mama!
MW


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

This is such a tough situation but I can relate since I'm a smoker. If he's just going through the experimental stage then I think you need to educate him and discuss with him how smoking will affect him. However if he's been smoking for a while there is a strong chance he is addicted and no punishment or lecturing will make him stop until he wants to. My daughter started smoking young and by the time I found out she was already hooked. So all I can say is keep talking to him and hopefully he's just at the experimenting stage. Good luck!


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Ok, so your son is going to hang out with his smoker father to pass out candy? I don't see how that is going to teach him not to smoke.

Worry about the lying and getting dad not to set the bad example.

I agree. There is something funny about punishing your son by having him pass out candy with his father who smokes.

I was older than 10, but I experimented with smoking as a teenager. I think a lot of kids try smoking out of curiosity, especially if they have easy access to cigarettes. I guess I would just try to talk to him about all the negatives associated with smoking. I wouldn't do the "grounding for two weeks" thing - I'm not sure that will help.


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

Did you ask him why he wanted to try smoking? That might help you in preventing him from doing it again.


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## mother22boys (Jan 1, 2007)

I agree with the folks who suggest talking to him. I sometimes think punishing, grounding, ect leads to more anger and resentment which can backfire with more negative behavior.

He was probably curious and the cigs were available. Try educating him about the health and financial consequences of smoking. Maybe his dad could talk to him about how hard it is to quit.

Good luck.


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## emptytank2000 (Jul 9, 2007)

I agree with the other ladies that you shouldn't go with the whole grounding route. I would advise that you and your husband sit down with your son and explain the health consequences of smoking. I started smoking at 15 (cigarettes stolen out of my mother and father's packs), and 16 years later, I am still smoking. I have tried so many times to quit, and I am getting ready to quit again. Honestly (as a smoking parent- I am also guilty of this), your husband and I are both hypocrites. The whole do as I say and not as I do is not very effective in dealing with a child. They must think that it's okay to do it because one of their parents does it. I was horrified this week when my 5yo dd put a crayon in her mouth and smoked it. I honestly wished that would have been enough for me to quit right then and there. So, I understand totally where your husband is at right now, but at some point- our children should mean more than a pack of cigarettes.

So yes- focus on the lying and helping your husband quit smoking. I hope this helped!


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Your Dh should focus on quitting.

I am pretty sure parents who smoke are way more likely to have kids who smoke. The time to stop is now!

At the very least, DH must keep his cigarettes in a more secure place. At age 10, convinience is key. It is hard for a 10 year old to get cigarettes if he does not have an adult in his life who smokes. I suppose it is possible to get it off of friends parents - but i doubt the curiousity of smoking would be so compelling that you woulod ask a firiend to steal cigarettes.

I alo hope Dh smokes outside only- once again it sends the subtle message of "this is not OK" and shows that you are ocncerned about the health of your family memebers.

As per the consequences....I think they were bang on!









As per "hanging out with his smoking father" commments - well, yeah, he IS going to hang out with him - he is the father! The smoking, as vile as it is, is not a good enough reason to limit contact.


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

I grew up in a house of smokers and my first experiment with cigarettes was when I was 5 or 6. I stole an entire pack of cigarettes from my mother. I kept them hidden with my barbies. I only smoked a few and somebody found them and I was never caught. I had older siblings so it was assumed that they were the culprits. When I was a teen, I started smoking on a regular basis and smoked for about 12 years before I was able to quit.

I think one of the best things you could do is have your husband talk to your son about the dangers of smoking. Children tend to look up most to the same sex parent. Your husband should sit him down and tell him how unhealthy it is and how he wished he had never started smoking. My dad and I have gotten in arguments over whether or not friends have more of an influence or parents have more of an influence. I think parents still have the strongest influence especially in a ten year old.

I don't think grounding is going to make that big of a difference because that just might mean he will lie better next time or learn to hide it better. I hid my smoking from my parents until I was in my 20's. In order to keep him from smoking, you need to change his perception of it so that he gets why he shouldn't do it.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathymuggle* 
As per the consequences....I think they were bang on!









As per "hanging out with his smoking father" commments - well, yeah, he IS going to hang out with him - he is the father! The smoking, as vile as it is, is not a good enough reason to limit contact.

Unless I missed it, I don't think anyone suggested limiting contact with his father (?) But I still don't understand punishing a kid for something his father is doing.


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## mommabear207 (Nov 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother22boys* 
I agree with the folks who suggest talking to him. I sometimes think punishing, grounding, ect leads to more anger and resentment which can backfire with more negative behavior.

He was probably curious and the cigs were available. Try educating him about the health and financial consequences of smoking. Maybe his dad could talk to him about how hard it is to quit.

Good luck.

Ditto.
get all the info you can and present it to him. ask why he tried it in the first place and lied about it. if its true of dh-dh could tell him he wished he never started but its addictive and he doesn't want ds to start. talk openly about it and hopefully it will make a difference. a lot of people smoke so the pressure will only get higher for ds in his teen years. i know i tried it (but i'm in the minority that never got addicted and i hated the smell) and so did my dh (he still struggles to quit and stay quit) even though both of our families are non-smokers and we've been educated as to the dangers.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaiseWren* 
I know how yucky I would feel if my kids smoked. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I hesitate to say anything b/c I don't want it to come out wrong. But I can't help but think that kids model our behaviors. If dad is smoking could that be construed as a certain amount of sanction by a a curious youngster?

I am SO not pointing any fingers.
I know that w/ my kids the old "do as I say, not as I do" has blown up in dh's & I's faces more times than I can begin to count!

Maybe it would help to look past the behaviour to the impulse behind it. Curiosity? Experimentation? Peer pressure?

Big hug Mama!
MW









:

Since my dh smokes, I worry about this a lot. I'm not sure how I would react. I'd probably TRY not to yell. I'd probably sit him down and make him look at pictures of black lungs.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

This thread is really striking me, because it is concerned with how we deal with our kids when they mimic our own behavior that we're not proud of. To punish them seems hypocritical. We can try to stop the behavior ourselves, but our kids have still been exposed to it. I struggle with this.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
This thread is really striking me, because it is concerned with how we deal with our kids when they mimic our own behavior that we're not proud of. To punish them seems hypocritical. We can try to stop the behavior ourselves, but our kids have still been exposed to it. I struggle with this.

I drink occasionally, but my children are not allowed to. There's nothing hypocritical about that.

There are somethings that adults do that children are just plain not allowed to do. Drinking, smoking, driving come to mind. And I do think there should be consequences for it - perhaps along the line of "We're going to the library and we're going to do research together about smoking and what it does to your body. We're going to write it up, draw pictures, and learn about it together".


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
Unless I missed it, I don't think anyone suggested limiting contact with his father (?) But I still don't understand punishing a kid for something his father is doing.

I kind of thought marsupialmom might be saying it with the following quote - but I could be misinterpretting things:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Ok, so your son is going to hang out with his smoker father to pass out candy? I don't see how that is going to teach him not to smoke.
.

Kathy

Edited to add: jjawn - the difference is drinking in moderate amounts is not harmful - therefore role modelling moderate drinking is not harmfull. Smoking is not the same thing. Given the fact that it is harmful, and if you smoke you are more likely to have kids who smoke -it is not the best idea.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I've thought more about this because, like I said, my dh is a smoker (but NEVER smokes in the house or car, just FTR.)

I wouldn't punish or ground my son. I'd have dad sit down with him for a long heart-to-heart talk about peer pressure and smoking and how hard he has tried to quit for so many years and how he wishes he had never started.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
I wouldn't punish or ground my son. I'd have dad sit down with him for a long heart-to-heart talk about peer pressure and smoking and how hard he has tried to quit for so many years and how he wishes he had never started.

That.

I smoke and DD knows I smoke. I also make sure she knows that I am either trying to quit or planning on trying and why. She's 10 too so I feel she's old enough to see that when you do start smoking, you can't just stop because you feel like it.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I understand your reaction (the grounding) and the panic state of mind "OMG, my baby is smoking!" that led to yelling (even though we are non-yelling household).







:

I can't imagine what would happen if dsd was discovered smoking.







BUT, we are non smoking household. I'm not sure about 10, but I am pretty sure that if dp or I smoked and preached to 15 y.o. dsd about not smoking she'd just roll her eyes, and no amount of grounding would prevent her from becoming a smoker herself.

just my 2 cents









P.S. If I were in your shoes I would discuss this with dp, and point out that our kid won't take smoking seriously for as long as his parent doesn't practice what he preaches


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jjawm* 
I drink occasionally, but my children are not allowed to. There's nothing hypocritical about that.

There are somethings that adults do that children are just plain not allowed to do. Drinking, smoking, driving come to mind.

It is very hypocritical. Don't drink, it's bad for your liver and impairs your judgement and diminishes your senses, but I'm going to. Don't smoke because it is related to a slew of medical problems, but I'm going to.

Just because you're an adult doesn't give you a free pass for doing something destructive such as drinking and smoking.

You also can't compare it to driving because that is something that comes along with *maturing*, just like voting. I don't feel as though drinking or smoking is an earned privilege.

Giving guidelines/legal ages for all of those is to ensure, hopefully, that when you reach that age you'll be able to make proper choices. If you don't, but expect others to, it's hypocrisy.

I bite my fingernails as does DD. If I went around telling her how dirty/gross/ugly it was and that she shouldn't do it, would I not be a hypocrite?

If people lead by example, instead of expecting children to make decisions that even the adults around them are unable to, maybe there wouldn't be as many problems.

Just my $.02


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## milehighmonkeys (Apr 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 
If he's just going through the experimental stage then I think you need to educate him and discuss with him how smoking will affect him.

Kids know how cigarettes affect their bodies. I had my first cigarette at 7 and remember going along with the whole "nail in the coffin" campaign at school while I was secretly smoking outside of school. I didn't really believe that I would be someone who would become sick from smoking. Most smokers don't. Everyone knows someone who smoked and lived to a ripe old age.

I don't really know how to get kids to not smoke. Since you have smokers in your home, it will be more difficult to detect when he does smoke. My mom smoked, so the fact that I smelled of cigarettes was never something I feared she would realize. I smoked undetected for years. Like you said, he coughed and you happened to be close enough and caught him. If those conditions weren't present, you may have not figured it out then. If he's been able to smoke before and not get caught, he may think he can smoke again and not get caught. He'll just be more careful and make sure he doesn't get close enough for you to smell it. Kids are smart. They can do lots of stuff and not get caught, if they want to.


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## damona (Mar 27, 2008)

just to clarify: i also smoke, occasionally. dh and i only ever smoke outside, not around the kids. also, almost all of our friends smoke, which makes it that much harder to quit. i have quit every time i was pregnant/nursing, but i always drifted back to it. it is darn hard to quit and stay quit when everyone around you is still smoking!

i have to say that the comment about him staying home with his "smoker dad" kind of hit on the raw. i can't exactly leave him home alone. and dh is his dad, so yeah, they are going to spend time together!

we have talked to him about how hard it is to quit and how i wish i'd never started (which was actually due to dh and his friends) and what it does to your body. which we are seeing first hand in dh's best friends' mother, who has emphysema.

grounding him was a kind of a knee jerk response, but i don't want to send the message that we are inconsistant, y'know? so grounded he will stay. i did apologize to him for yelling and explained that i was very upset with him for what he had done.

yes, punishing him for doing something that we do is hypocritical, but so is much of life, imho, and i am trying to do my best to teach my kids that what is right is not always what you see other people doing!


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *damona* 
jyes, punishing him for doing something that we do is hypocritical, but so is much of life, imho, and i am trying to do my best to teach my kids that what is right is not always what you see other people doing!

Actually, I don't think it is hypocritical for there to be consequences for a child when they do something that they know is an "adult only" activity. .My husband and I enjoy a drink of beer or wine sometimes. Denali knows that is for grown-ups, not children, and that if she drank alcohol she will get in trouble and we could get in trouble. If she was sneaking a beer at the age of ten I certainly wouldn't hesitate to enforce some sort of consequence: just because her papa and I drink alcoholic beverages doesn't mean she should get away with doing so!


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## gingerbane (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
That.

I smoke and DD knows I smoke. I also make sure she knows that I am either trying to quit or planning on trying and why. She's 10 too so I feel she's old enough to see that when you do start smoking, you can't just stop because you feel like it.

I have seen people make promises to their kids to stop smoking and never follow through. It is so heart breaking.

Yes, you can just stop because you feel like it. I've done it, my DH has done it, many friends have done it. You CAN stop.


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *damona* 
just to clarify: i also smoke, occasionally. dh and i only ever smoke outside, not around the kids. also, almost all of our friends smoke, which makes it that much harder to quit. i have quit every time i was pregnant/nursing, but i always drifted back to it. it is darn hard to quit and stay quit when everyone around you is still smoking!

i have to say that the comment about him staying home with his "smoker dad" kind of hit on the raw. i can't exactly leave him home alone. and dh is his dad, so yeah, they are going to spend time together!

we have talked to him about how hard it is to quit and how i wish i'd never started (which was actually due to dh and his friends) and what it does to your body. which we are seeing first hand in dh's best friends' mother, who has emphysema.

grounding him was a kind of a knee jerk response, but i don't want to send the message that we are inconsistant, y'know? so grounded he will stay. i did apologize to him for yelling and explained that i was very upset with him for what he had done.

yes, punishing him for doing something that we do is hypocritical, but so is much of life, imho, and i am trying to do my best to teach my kids that what is right is not always what you see other people doing!

I'd say this situation is a gift to you. It's time to quit. Not talk about how hard it is but just quit all together. The facts about smoking are just too clear. There's just no reason to smoke. The consequences for smoking will mean nothing to a kid as long as he sees you doing it.

As far as some things being OK for an adult and not a kid...I think if my kids snuck my wine and got drunk, I'd stop having wine in the house. It's why DH and I reserve alcohol consumption for adult social situations, not day to day consumption. My folks were cocktails every night people. Their handwringing and punishments when I began getting drunk were completely lost on me. When a pre-teen or a teen hears it's just for adults, that often makes them want it more. They think they are more mature than they are.

I know how difficult addictions are...and how freeing it is to overcome them.
Some resources that have helped me and others I know overcome various addictions without AA, patches, support groups....
~Rational Recovery (books, website)It began as an alternative to AA for alcohol addiction but they have developed programs and books for druggs, smokes and food addiction too..
~The EasyWay to Quit Smoking(book, practitioners all over the world)
~ Hypnosis-my dad ended a 30 year smoking habit cold turkey with hypnosis.
~Acupuncture-neighbor down the street got sober then quit smoking using acupuncture. One or two visits was all it took.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *damona* 
grounding him was a kind of a knee jerk response, but *i don't want to send the message that we are inconsistant*, y'know? so grounded he will stay. i did apologize to him for yelling and explained that i was very upset with him for what he had done.

yes, punishing him for doing something that we do is hypocritical, but so is much of life, imho, and i am trying to do my best to teach my kids that what is right is not always what you see other people doing!

You don't want to send him a message that you are inconsistent by saying that he's not grounded, but you've already sent a conflicting message by smoking. My feeling is that grounding him isn't completely fair.

I guess this sounds judgmental, but for what it's worth, I have struggled with alcohol problems and have wrestled with a similar, "What do I do if my DDs start abusing alcohol?" question - it scares me.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

Just a note on stopping smoking because "you feel like it". My handicapped sister in law has been smoking for 40 years, just found out she has terminal lung cancer and stopped that very day. So yes, a person can stop just like that if they really want to. She had no symptoms until they diagnosed her and now she has only months left. Please stop smoking!


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *damona* 
just to clarify: i also smoke, occasionally. dh and i only ever smoke outside, not around the kids. also, almost all of our friends smoke, which makes it that much harder to quit. i have quit every time i was pregnant/nursing, but i always drifted back to it. it is darn hard to quit and stay quit when everyone around you is still smoking!

i have to say that the comment about him staying home with his "smoker dad" kind of hit on the raw. i can't exactly leave him home alone. and dh is his dad, so yeah, they are going to spend time together!

we have talked to him about how hard it is to quit and how i wish i'd never started *(which was actually due to dh and his friends)* and what it does to your body. which we are seeing first hand in dh's best friends' mother, who has emphysema.

grounding him was a kind of a knee jerk response, but i don't want to send the message that we are inconsistant, y'know? so grounded he will stay. i did apologize to him for yelling and explained that i was very upset with him for what he had done.

yes, punishing him for doing something that we do is hypocritical, but so is much of life, imho, and i am trying to do my best to teach my kids that what is right is not always what you see other people doing!

So your DH caused you to start smoking and your son as well? Maybe a family quit is just what's needed, and you can thank your son for bringing it to your attention.

Kids will usually do as you do, not as you say, anyway.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *damona* 
j
grounding him was a kind of a knee jerk response, but i don't want to send the message that we are inconsistant, y'know? so grounded he will stay. i did apologize to him for yelling and explained that i was very upset with him for what he had done.


I'm glad you apologized. Changing your mind about grounding doesn't make you inconsistent, just human.

Promise him you'll never smoke again if he agrees to the same thing. You can't control dh's smoking, but you can control your own. And you can send a very powerful message to your son--much more powerful than grounding him.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i quit the day i found out i was pg. i have a friend who has quit through two pregnancies and yet still smokes. and i still want to smoke a couple times a day 18 mos since the last time i smoked...the only reason i dont is b/c i dont want ds to see it.. but i do wonder about the qutting thing b/c i think i should have stopped wanting to smoke now









i don't know what grounding is going to do. talking might help. but i do recommend making sure the cigs are no where DS can get to them. someone mentioned convenience ... and i agree if he can't get them he will probably not go looking for them. a few pictures of blackened lungs might help. along with a talk from DH. there was also an episode of 7th heaven that i thought dealt with it quite well.... (the oldest.. matt was smoking)

heres a good way not to deal with it though...

when my friend and his cousin were caught smoking their parents made them each smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a row. they puked for a good hour..... it was gross. and pointless they both smoke now.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gingerbane* 
I have seen people make promises to their kids to stop smoking and never follow through. It is so heart breaking.

Yes, you can just stop because you feel like it. I've done it, my DH has done it, many friends have done it. You CAN stop.

I've been smoking for more then ten years. Yes I can stop, but it's a struggle and not as easy as saying "I don't feel like it anymore."

I never made a promise to my dd that I would quit, the reason being that I don't make a promise unless I know that I will succeed. But she's knows that I am always trying different ways to quit.

Everyone is different. I know someone who woke up one morning decided she didn't want to smoke anymore and stopped right there. I know someone who only smokes when she's at home, she just doesn't feel like quitting (long story and she even has a medical reason behind it.) And I know people like me, and my dad, who really do get physical symptoms when they try and quit. Any person will tell you that three days with a headache, they will do anything to make it go away even if it's having a smoke. That's why the most successful method of quitting so far has been a slow weaning process instead of going cold turkey.

*Damona*, I do think that punishing him for what you do as well is both hypocritical and wrong. In our house everyone, including the adults, have the same rules.


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## gingerbane (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
i do wonder about the qutting thing b/c i think i should have stopped wanting to smoke now









I still want to smoke and it has been years since I quit. My dad quit over 30 years ago and told me he still has the urge every now and then.


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## gingerbane (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 

*Damona*, I do think that punishing him for what you do as well is both hypocritical and wrong. In our house everyone, including the adults, have the same rules.

When people say this I have a really hard time believing it. If it is true for you then I apologize but would you really allow your 10 year old dd drive a car, smoke cigarettes, be sexually active, not go to grammar/middle school (all things I "assume" you do - correct me if I'm wrong)

Saying the rules are the same for everyone (children and adults) is very black and white and I just don't see many families genuinely operating that way.

ETA - I agree with you about promises. It's very risky making promises to kids. Many people seem to make them often and without thinking. So many things can always come up unexpectedly and thwart our plans.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Lets see, your not allowed to drive in our house unless you have a licence, so no I don't drive, neither does DD. DD is at an age that we let her choose her method of schooling and right now she's choosing to stay in school even though we could accomidate her wanting to homeschool or unschool. When she decides to become sexually active, it will be up to her, not me or DH. If she starts smoking, we will talk to her about it, but we won't punish her for it because, well I don't get in trouble for it. It will be an outside activity though, just as it is for me.

It maybe a difficult concept for you to understand. But the idea that everyone has the same rules is not that unattainable.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
If she starts smoking, we will talk to her about it, but we won't punish her for it because, well I don't get in trouble for it. It will be an outside activity though, just as it is for me.

It maybe a difficult concept for you to understand. But the idea that everyone has the same rules is not that unattainable.

This is what we do here. My ds is 17 but I also do this with my 4yo and 16 month old (as much as is safe). I wish I had accepted this sooner with my 17yo. It would've saved us all a lot of grief.

He smokes. He started young (just like me...hmmmm). I quit when he was about 8. I fought and fought with him about it. I tried talking to him. I tried taking away his smokes whenever I found them. I screamed and yelled and had fits. None of that made him stop smoking. I cannot control what he does. I can only offer my opinions, thoughts, feelings, ideas and try to model the behavior that I'd like for him to have, the same as I do with my dh, and understand that we are all human and not perfect.

If you really don't want him smoking, I think the first thing you'd have to do is have everyone else in your household quit. As long as you are smoking, even occasionally and not in the kids' presence, your words about not smoking aren't going to mean much.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

my parents never said anything to me directly. if they happened to come across a pack they would throw out the cigs and leave the pack where i left it. they told me they didnt want me to smoke but i never got in trouble for it. then one day after i had DS my mom told me she was glad i quit. lol it always amazes me how much parents really do know about their kids. it cracks me up that i always thought she was so clueless...im the one who's clueless.

Musician Dad- i am totally with you on not punishing kids for things we are allowed to do. when you said that i pictured your DD exiling you to a chair in the corner every time you smoke b/c if she gets in trouble for it so should you!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I feel like, even if you do decide to punish for something like this, the punishment should be related to the "crime." What does missing a once a year event like trick-or-treating (and an event that I suspect he doesn't have many years left of participating in) teach him about smoking?


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
Musician Dad- i am totally with you on not punishing kids for things we are allowed to do. when you said that i pictured your DD exiling you to a chair in the corner every time you smoke b/c if she gets in trouble for it so should you!









Naw, she'd lock my instruments in a closet and keep the key.


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## FrannieP (Sep 11, 2007)

Damona:

Quote:

it is darn hard to quit and stay quit when everyone around you is still smoking!
This will apply to your kids as well won't it?


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Naw, she'd lock my instruments in a closet and keep the key.









Talk about illogical consequences!


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i suppose you could think of it as a bribe. you can't have them back till you quit!

my bff used to throw away packs of cigarettes all the time... a lot of her family smoked so she would see a pack and chuck it. they never knew it was her... they would get into fights with each other demanding to know who smoked all their cigarettes. she has never smoked in her life.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
she would see a pack and chuck it. they never knew it was her... they would get into fights with each other demanding to know who smoked all their cigarettes.

like Corina Corina


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## happyhippimama (Apr 11, 2007)

Wow, what a hard situation. I can bet that if everyone around your son is a smoker, he will probably do it again. If you do not want him to smoke, you really need to stop yourself. I too was a smoker. I just quit one day, after smoking for about 5-6 years. Luckily, my older kids do not even remember me smoking. They were kndeed my driving force. I did not want them to see me smoking and think it was ok. It is hard to tell a kid "DO as I say, not as I do." I mean really, children learn by example.

Good luck.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
Talk about illogical consequences!









Maybe, but my dad did it once and it worked.







Though I can't remember what I did, I know it must have been bad for him to use punishment.


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## Leenie (Jun 15, 2004)

I think you did the right thing, OP


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

If your DH smokes around your child then it's hardly worth it to come down hard on your child for trying it. If it's something he is doing in front of the child then he isn't being a good example.







How can you get on to your child harshly for doing what his dad is doing right in front of his face?


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happyhippimama* 
Wow, what a hard situation. I can bet that if everyone around your son is a smoker, he will probably do it again. If you do not want him to smoke, you really need to stop yourself.

I agree. Most of the people I've ever known that smoked when they were teenagers did so because one or both parents smoked.

I think (hope) my children will be less likely to try smoking since my DH and I do not smoke and are avidly against it - and since my MIL has struggled with lung cancer for the past 5 years now after being a smoker herself for most of her adult life. My kids see their MIL struggling and want her to live and love her so it has really affected them a lot. But yet, their older cousins *all* smoke (all are in their 20's) and they all smoke around my MIL, and have no respect for her situation. I just don't get it.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

This is such a hard situation. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any one right way to address it. I wish there were. That would make things so much easier.

My dad smoked and my mom did not. My parent got divorced when I was 4. I watched my dad, and later my stepmom, both smoke and struggle with quiting. I had my first cigarette when I was 5 or 6. I did it then because my older brother, who would've been 8 or 9, smoked and I wanted to be cool like him. I don't recall thinking it was OK because my dad did it.

Both of my dh's parents smoked but his dad quit. I don't know if he quit before or after his kids were old enough to see him smoke. My dh got caught smoking once when he was around 10. His parents made him sit down and smoke an entire pack one after another. He got sick and never smoked again. (I'm not suggesting that, by the way.) His sister, on the other hand, did and does smoke even though she watched her mother die of cancer when she was only 52.


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