# Can u give a toddler too much attention?



## Logan's Mom (Mar 2, 2006)

We have been having discussions in our house about how much attention our 2.5 year old DS gets. He is truly the center of our universe. With that said, we both *have* to work. So, he is at a sitter's house (2 retired ladies who adore him and he is the only child) monday - friday. When he is with us, he takes center stage. We don't know where the line should be between too much attention (playing with him, talking to him, swinging him about) and his ability to play on his own and be his own person.

We don't want to give him a false sense that the world revolves around him (which at our house it does) and then later on in life (at school, etc.) he realizes that he isn't the center of attention and become disruptive, sad, etc.

I know there must be some middle of the road place and not the extreme area we are to help him grow up to be a well rounded guy, but I like the knowledge to know where that place is and the techinques on how to get us there.

I have been trying, "mommy is busy doing x right now, can you wait to draw until I'm finished? " My thoughts are he will understand that other people have things to do and I am there for him, just not right this ery second.

Oh, and we have family that say things like we give him too much attention, he gets more attention then any child I have seen, blah, blah, blah...


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## alpenglow (Oct 29, 2007)

Sounds like you're giving him lots of loving early childhood experiences. "You are Your Child's First Teacher" (Waldorf philosophy based) would probably be a reassuring and validating read for you.(especially given the outside pressures from family).

Are there any signs in DS of demanding behaviours? Has DS had the opportunity to start to learn social behaviours such as sharing with other children? If not, then maybe you could try to find him a playmate?

Another book I've just read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" talks about ways to teach a child to wait and other techniques to promote desirable behaviours. I thought it had some practical ideas, and helped in anticipating what some of the next stages will be.

I'm personally a fan of a blissfully happy secure toddlerhood, and i think that if you weren't on the right track that you would probably already see signs of demanding behaviour.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Um...

Why does your child have to wait for you to draw? Can't he just start drawing while you take your time doing X?


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## trancechylde (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Um...

Why does your child have to wait for you to draw? Can't he just start drawing while you take your time doing X?

Maybe the LO would need markers or crayons to be given to him, and paper?

Or maybe the OP was just using this situation as an example?

OP, I think this is a great question, I don't have any input but I will be checking back to see what other Mamas have to offer.

You sound like you're doing a great job though, in giving this so much thought


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## chick (Sep 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trancechylde* 
Maybe the LO would need markers or crayons to be given to him, and paper?

Or maybe the OP was just using this situation as an example?

OP, I think this is a great question, I don't have any input but I will be checking back to see what other Mamas have to offer.

You sound like you're doing a great job though, in giving this so much thought









my dd (23 months) has pencils, paper etc. easily accessible whenever she wants them. No pens or messy stuff though - mummy has to get those for her!

it's an interesting question. how about asking him if he can do something while you are busy and then he can show you what he's done - building a tower with bricks, drawing picture, setting up a playset etc. then you can play with it together - that way he gets the best of both worlds.

What about if he has a friend over to play?


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

I wonder a little bit about this too. My ds is the only kid (14 months) in house with 6 adults and he's also the only grandkid on both sides. So he *is* the center of the universe.


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## birdie22 (Apr 1, 2005)

At 2, I think every child feels like the center of the universe.







Even he's got sibs, in his mind they exist only in relation to him, KWIM? If you can get a toddler to wait for something, it's because he sees personal benefit in making you happy by waiting, or else because he's found something to distract him.

Around 3, they start to realize they need to take turns and share, though again I think it's for purely selfish reasons, lol. I don't think you have to "teach" this; life presents plenty of natural opportunities for him to not get his way.

Anyway, the best way to "teach" relationship skills is by modeling them in your own family. He will learn to respect others' needs, because he sees his parents respecting each other and him.

As far as family expressing their opinions-- that's going to happen no matter what. It's always something. Don't let it make you doubt yourself. Just look at your child... is he normal, healthy, thriving? If so, give him a kiss and don't listen to the naysayers.









ETA: I'm not saying you have to jump at his every beck and call, either. When he wants something, he wants it NOW. That's just how 2yos are. It's perfectly healthy to say "I will help you with that as soon as I'm finished with this." And it's perfectly normal for him to be unhappy about that sometimes. This is the "natural opportunity" for sharing that I mentioned before.


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## fritz (Nov 9, 2005)

My DS was a high needs baby (only happy when held; not a great sleeper). It wasn't until about 18 mos that he would play for a 2-3 minutes by himself, and that was infrequent.

By 2.5 years, though, he would sometimes occupy himself for 10-15 minutes (in the same room with me but without my direct participation). I still spent most of the day holding him, though. I just let him be the guide, and I followed his lead.

Then, gradually, he wanted to get down more frequently to do his own thing. That has progressed to the point where now at 3.5 years old, I only have to hold him before nap/bedtime, and 80% of the rest of the day he's playing independently (again, in the same room as me, but w/o my direct participation). He's gotten a lot better at waiting a few minutes for me or DH to finish what we're doing before we can engage with him. I also use the line, "Mommy's busy; I'll be there in a couple minutes."

Oh, and my DS won't draw without me either (even though he has markers, crayons, pencils, pens and paper in easy reach)--mostly b/c his version of drawing is to tell me what he wants me to draw for him =).

You've got another 2.5 years to go before (if?) you put him in kindergarten--he will be such a different little boy by then, developmentally speaking. The evolution of my own son amazes me all the time; I'm sure yours will also blow you away with how much he matures and develops as time goes on. Right now he's still really little, and he isn't ready to be Mr. Independence. That's okay! When he's ready, he'll let you know. I think if you try to force an artificial withdrawal of your attention, it will backfire and just make him more desperate for your attention now. So ignore your critical family members, and repeat after me, "We're doing what's best for our family."


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trancechylde* 
Maybe the LO would need markers or crayons to be given to him, and paper?

Or maybe the OP was just using this situation as an example?

The OP is concerned in part that her LO doesn't entertain himself, and play indepenently. This is the sort of activity that is perfect for independent play while she is busy.


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## Nolamom (Jan 29, 2008)

I think the amount of attention needed varies per child.
Our dd, now 5, never played (and still mostly doesn't) by herself in her room, and didn't start playing independently much until sometime in her 3rd year. I tried to gently push independent play saying things like, "Mommy's got to work right now (dishes, etc.), I can play in a few minutes" and then go do the dishes, too. I believe it's her personality - she just needed a little more one on one as a toddler than most kids. That said, she is now in kindergarten and has done wonderfully. She has a group of friends, interacts with her teachers and peers, and exhibits confidence. She is also no longer is attached to my hip - she entertains herself or plays with her brother most of the time.
Ds, 22 mos., has a more independent personality. He's always off in another room playing with something and seems to need less direct attention. Sometimes I even find myself looking for him! That never would have happened w/ dd.
Your ds may require a little bit more attention then most. IME, he'll outgrow it and be just fine.


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## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

I truely & honestly believe that one of the best gifts you can give your child in life is the ability to entertain themselves. I start from very young age letting my kids have 'their blanket time' when they just hang out on a blanket by themselves w/a few toys. My 3.5yr old entertains himself 95% of the day while his sister is at school, and when she's home, he's playing w/her & the neighbors. I also feel like I'm the parent & have many other responsibilities other than entertaining my kids. I will play with them, but I also have 100 other things that need to happen on a daily basis to keep our house running.


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## Logan's Mom (Mar 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Um...

Why does your child have to wait for you to draw? Can't he just start drawing while you take your time doing X?

Yes, of course he can. Be he wants me to draw a house, a man, a happy face, etc. He takes my hand and pulls me over saying draw x, y, z. Then he likes to color it in...he has his supplies in his little table and can/does take them out on his own, he just wants me to do it with him.

Thanks for your words of wisdom ladies. I am a bit calmer about our parenting style now and will also read some of the suggested books. I think there is always a balance to everything and I tend to run into the extreme ends, never the middle. Its nice to bounce things off other like minded people. Also, I appreciated the examples of your own DC, that helps too!


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