# Weird Social Situations



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm just getting to a point where I REALLY want to talk to people about my baby (only child.) The thing is...How? What's practical?

I'm very adamant that if someone asks me if I have kids or how many, I'll always include her. And I'll say "Yes, I'm a mother."

But some things are weird. We usually have all the moms stand up on Mother's Day at church. Do I stand?

I can't really be included in mothering activities. They have more to do with parenting, which I'm no longer doing.

But what social group do I fit best in now? I'm a mother, but I have no visible children. How could I fit in there? I'm also married with "no" kids. But that' not really an accurate group for me to be in. _Is_ there a social group for me?









How do you guys handle this confusing social stuff? What is your opinion? What has and hasn't worked? General or specific would be helpful. I need to think A LOT of things through.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I have to say I wonder the same thing. I'm a mom... but I have no children on earth. How do you explain that to somebody? I said yes once but then I had to explain everything when the next question was "how old?". There was this awkward silence when I said they'd both died. I have no idea how to deal with those kinds of situations, so any advice would be welcome.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
I'm just getting to a point where I REALLY want to talk to people about my Eden (only child.) The thing is...How? What's practical?

Wanting to acknowledge our child is an entirely natural thing to do. And it is especially hard for those of us who no longer have the child with us. Find a way to talk about her that makes you comfortable, whether it is posting here, talking to a family member/best friend or finding a support group. When you need to talk, there is always someone out there who is willing to listen.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
But what social group do I fit best in now? .... _Is_ there a social group for me?









I think *here* is where you fit best. This forum is my social group that I can discuss Calliope and all that she meant to me. My family has also been wonderful. In the beginning I began talking about Calliope just in my day-to-day conversations with my sisters, mom and mil. I now know that this was a necessary step for them to feel comfortable talking about her too, to see me do it. She is a part of my life and everyone close to me knows that.

Now, those who aren't close to me, I don't feel that they need to know anything really. But that is just me.

I'm sorry that I can't help you with any of the questions about mothering activities. I never had to deal with those issues because my loss occurred after I already had one daughter. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this stuff.









Take care of yourself.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I've come up with one situation where I can't really acknowledge my baby. I had to go to the doc yesterday. When they want to know if you've been pregnant, and that's all they care about, the answer is "no." I knew yesterday that the doc was looking for physical info. When you were only pregnant for 3 weeks and never took a PT anyway...I'd rather not be questioned or blown off. I hate that.

Why can't I just say "yes" and be a typical, proud mom?


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## fierrbugg (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
I've come up with one situation where I can't really acknowledge Eden. I had to go to the doc yesterday. When they want to know if you've been pregnant, and that's all they care about, the answer is "no."

I always put yes, for pregnancy and 0 for # of (living) kids. I figure they're in the medical field, if they can't figure that one out, I'm in trouble.

I use to hate the 'how many kids' questions that seem to be the openner of every conversation ever. At first I said, _no_, then I'd say _none living or in heaven_ or soemting along those lines. But I actually had a lady who was looking at buying the house next to us, pull her toddler away from me. She literally put her body in between us.







: Like I'm going to grab him and run or soemthing? Normally now, I just divert and say something about having 4 crazy dogs who act like children. Dh's always been a fan of saying something so outrageously awful that they'll think twice about asking anyone that question again. I just guess I've always gone w/ the diversion. It still feels like someone's punching me in the gut any time I hear that stupid question, though.

Oh and when my grandmother started handing out special gifts to all of my cousins/sister for Mother's Day and leaving me out, I got the hint about what society thought I should do w/ my mc. So I don't put myself in those situations anymore - where people could potentially be stupid and it could open fresh wounds for me. In fact only dh and my mother know about my most recent mc - and even my mother doesn't get how to react. It's frustrating. Dh generally acknowledges me w/ a card or a kiss or something and generally that's fine w/ me.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Christy and apecaut, Glad I'm not alone and yeah, this forum really is awesome!

Fierr, the thing with not getting a gift on Mother's Day strikes a chord with me. I've been thinking a lot about how much I hope someone will think to send me a card or get me one of the flowers when the kids give them to their moms at church on M's Day.

I found an old thread today addressing the question of how to answer "how many kids." It looks like most mothers in our situation have a hard time with it. Every one answers differently. I think I'll answer with the number I really do have, just like any mom, then tack on "# living."

Just today, I've written cards to our family members to tell them about our daughter - very much like a birth announcement. I'm making it a point to say "she matters."


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