# Do you prevent your child from being hit by other children?



## ilovemygirl (Sep 8, 2008)

I know this is a controversial issue but I 'm really starting to feel like I'm the only mom who feels this way.
I consider ALL hitting, biting, pulling, pushing, anything physical being done to someone that they don't want done to them to be an awful thing that no one should have to put up with regardless of if they are 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades old.
I will not allow anyone to hit my child ... period, end of story. I don't care if that someone is another child her age (26 months). It is my job to protect my dd. Why should I allow other children to hit her? So I redirect her whenever another child is being aggressive around her and I stop going to play dates with children who knowingly hit often. I have gone so far as to end a friendship because a friend had a child who hit so often that I could not have a two minute conversation with her without having to go over and protect dd.
A couple of people have told me that they think I'm crazy. All the typical hitting is a phase children have to go through, it's not a safety issue or a big deal and my dd will get over it, that children need to learn through experience (while some other child suffers apparently), and of course my favorite that children hit each other all the time so that somehow makes it okay.
Just because I know it will be asked, No, my dd has never ever hit another child and Yes, I realize I am very lucky she hasn't.
So after all that my question is .. am I the only overprotective, hovering momma out there?


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ilovemygirl* 
I know this is a controversial issue but I 'm really starting to feel like I'm the only mom who feels this way.
I consider ALL hitting, biting, pulling, pushing, anything physical being done to someone that they don't want done to them to be an awful thing that no one should have to put up with regardless of if they are 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades old. *It is awful and if you can you should prevent/stop it. It is semi-normal though and typical for many kids to hit and bite etc.*
I will not allow anyone to hit my child ... period, end of story. I don't care if that someone is another child her age (26 months). It is my job to protect my dd. Why should I allow other children to hit her? So I redirect her whenever another child is being aggressive around her and I stop going to play dates with children who knowingly hit often. I have gone so far as to end a friendship because a friend had a child who hit so often that I could not have a two minute conversation with her without having to go over and protect dd. *Well I can't say I'd continue a friendship just for my child's sake with another child that was very very agressive. No one should "allow" their child to be hit, but you can't control everything all the time. Stuff happens.*
A couple of people have told me that they think I'm crazy. All the typical hitting is a phase children have to go through, it's not a safety issue or a big deal and my dd will get over it, that children need to learn through experience (while some other child suffers apparently), and of course my favorite that children hit each other all the time so that somehow makes it okay. *I think that your DD will get over it and that it's not the end of the world. I think perhaps you may be coming across as shaming or critical with these other parents because I think most parents would prefer their children didn't hit or bite- but don't consider it the end of the world if they do.*
Just because I know it wi ll be asked, No, my dd has never ever hit another child and Yes, I realize I am very lucky she hasn't.
So after all that my question is .. am I the only overprotective, hovering momma out there?

I think your attempts to prevent hitting are great, but I think you need to lighten up a wee bit because it is pretty common and normal.

Neither of my girls hit/bit/kicked ever. I know that is rare. We also didn't foster friendships with kids that were on the violent side, but I wouldn't cross anyone off the friendship list because of a few hitting issues under the age of 4-5. Because until then it's pretty normal for kids to handle frustration in that fashion.

Now that my kids are older we 100% avoid and do not foster friendships with children that have temper and hitting issues. The same goes for highly manipulative and emotionally abusive kids. I won't subject my kids to a child that has continuous issues with treating others with respect.

I would give kids a break though especially during the toddler years. They are learning what's socially appropriate and not. They need practice.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I definitely step in in situation where my child is hitting another child or another child is hitting my child. If it is wrestling and all parties are enjoying it, I let it go, unless I think it's escalating to the point that someone will get hurt, even if everyone is enjoying themselves.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Wanted to add also, that even if I do step in, I do not get mad at the child, as it does seem to be a very natural stage that kids go through. Mine sure have!


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## Spirit Dancer (Dec 11, 2006)

For me it depends on the situation. I am pretty laid back and let my children work out small squabbles with children around then even if it includes the odd hit. I am pretty hands off with my children though in terms of allowing them freedom to explore and figure out things for themselves. If it escalates or one child gets too upset I step in and try to work things out or remove my child.

With my 3 yo old I talk with him and we discuss that hitting is not an acceptable option and I do reprimand him if he does (and he still does on occasion). With my 1 yo old I expect she will slap/ push on occasion and receive such from others as well. IMO, most toddlers do so on occasion. I do not tolerate bullying though like one child incessantly picking on another who is trying to avoid it. A few times a older child like 4-5 has hit my baby for no reason (hard too







) and I must say I went right up and told the child to leave my dd alone. But that has been the exception usually it is minor squabbles amoung peers and I am pretty laid back about that.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

I know this is a controversial issue but I 'm really starting to feel like I'm the only mom who feels this way.
I consider ALL hitting, biting, pulling, pushing, anything physical being done to someone that they don't want done to them to be an awful thing that no one should have to put up with regardless of if they are 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades old.

Do you literally feel like you are the only mom who thinks hitting and biting are wrong? I am curious.

It does happen, it isn't a big deal IMO, your daughter will do it or will use another inappropriate outlet such as verbal abuse, because it takes a long time to learn social rules and for our brains to learn impulse control. It's not the end of the world, and it shouldn't be your hill to die on IMO.

I would limit contact with chronic hitters until they are out of that stage but I would never lose a friendship over it.

Because if and when you have another, good luck. You would have to end your friendship with yourself and that gets tricky. All the things I WOULD NEVER (said when ds was a mere babe and an only) I have had to break up with myself so many times, lol.

Yeah, you sound like an overprotective new mom but that doesn't mean you should embrace hitting or anything. Keep doing what you are doing but know as your daughter becomes more social and is learning how to be social these things will happen. And it is a learning experience for your daughter and you.

Just take a deep breath and relax a little and this phase will pass.

Oh, BTW, I would encourage you to try to make sure that your daughter also knows how to assert yourself. My youngest was the chronically abused as well but he also let everyone step on him. I had to teach him and discuss with him boundaries and assertiveness. He wasn't just non-violent and I got to pat myself on the back, the reality is that he was socially behind and I had to work on him and still do.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Only got a second here. Yes, I protect my child from other children and I teach my children respect for other's bodies as well. Yes children hit and bite and kick and throw things at each other. I consider it my role as a parent to re-direct and guide the emotions which fuel such actions in a more productive way. I am raising an adult, not a child, and I want my child to grow into an adult that is fully aware of their feelings yet knows appropriate ways to channel them. It all happens in baby steps but I am consicous that each baby step we take as parent/child is an effort to create an emotionally stable adult.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I prevent it when I can, and limit time with kids for whom hitting is a constant issue. That said, some of the greatest kids I know went through phases of hitting when they were young toddlers. My ex-neighbor had a son 6 months younger than mine who went through a phase of constantly htiting. She could barely turn around without him smacking someone. He grew out of it, and he is now a fantastic 7yo kid who never hits anyone. She is an awesome mom, and neither of her two other kids ever hit anyone.

Stuff will happen - pushing, kicking, etc. (wait until they start preschool







). Kids will get over it and except in cases of bullying will be fine. I certainly do step in when I can, and if I can't, I address it with my kids (I'm sorry they got hurt, it was not right of the other kid to do that, etc.). But I'm not nearly as uptight about it now as I was when my first was that age.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Spirit Dancer* 
For me it depends on the situation. I am pretty laid back and let my children work out small squabbles with children around then even if it includes the odd hit. I am pretty hands off with my children though in terms of allowing them freedom to explore and figure out things for themselves. If it escalates or one child gets too upset I step in and try to work things out or remove my child.


ds has a friend whose mom is like you and i really appreciate it b/c we don't constantly have to chase after them making sure they're "playing nice." we just let them be, let them have some freedom, and they do just fine and always have (they're exactly 6 months apart in age.) i've had other friends who aren't as easy going and i feel like i have to constantly be on top of my son, making sure he's "playing nice" and the other mom does the same. it's exhausting. it's natural for kids to have little tiffs.

if i did constantly (sometimes i do though, if i know the child is very ill-behaved) redirect my son away from kids who hit or were confrontational, i might be worried he might not develop the skills to stand up for himself. my sister is very passive and her DP constantly controls her b/c of it. she somehow picked up my mother's personality of kind of letting my father control her (though she will confront him if she has to; my sister won't do that) and i somehow picked up a more volatile attitude like my father's (but i'm much more reasonable.) i just can't imagine constantly walking away from people who are confronting me or upsetting me; i would build up a lot of resentment and anger.


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## marlee (Aug 29, 2005)

My brothers dd started hitting when she was around 13 months. She's over 4 now and is still hitting/pushing and has developed a manipulating play manner and teasing/taunting. No this is not okay but how do I continue a relationship with them. They only live 10 min. away and we haven't seen the family in 3 months! My dd and their dd are the same age.

Any suggestions?


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think that you are doing the right thing. I also prevented my dd from being aggressive when she was that age and I still don't stay around people with violent kids. If your friend wasn't willing to stay right with her son and prevent violence while the two of you talked, then I also think you did the right thing by ending the friendship. I don't want my dd to be around people who view violence as a normal part of childhood and I think it is cool that I am not the only one either.


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## Friday13th (Jun 13, 2006)

I have to say, I do my best to instruct my 19 month old on how to be gentle with his friends and intervene if I see he's getting rough. But yes, sometimes he hits and sometimes he gets hit, I consider it a normal part of toddlerhood, they're still learning and in general he doesn't seem phased by being on the receiving end.

I would be hurt, offended and really PO-ed if you ended a friendship with me because of something I consider a developmentally normal (not desireable and certainly something I try to stop) part of toddlerhood.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

Redirecting & avoiding the situation temporarily seems appropriate to me. Ending MY friendship with someone over what is likely a temporary developmental step for their child seems extreme to me.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I protect my child and when he was younger made sure he didn't hurt anyone else. I have a close friend who has a very aggressive LO and we're still friends, although I avoided doing too much w/ them one on one when he was 2-3.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

I find this post kind of funny in light of the many posts by really conscious moms over in the Gentle Discipline area asking things like "Help! My 22-month old keeps hitting other kids!"

For the overwhelming majority of kids, hitting/biting/hairpulling is going to be a phase. A really annoying, possibly embarrassing phase. But I don't think it's worth judging a kid or their family over, and I personally doubt I would end a good friendship because my friend's toddler got slap-happy.


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## inkslinger (May 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
Redirecting & avoiding the situation temporarily seems appropriate to me. Ending MY friendship with someone over what is likely a temporary developmental step for their child seems extreme to me.

I agree with this.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
I find this post kind of funny in light of the many posts by really conscious moms over in the Gentle Discipline area asking things like "Help! My 22-month old keeps hitting other kids!"

For the overwhelming majority of kids, hitting/biting/hairpulling is going to be a phase. A really annoying, possibly embarrassing phase. But I don't think it's worth judging a kid or their family over, and I personally doubt I would end a good friendship because my friend's toddler got slap-happy.

Yup. I guess I was a biter when I was a kid (and I am a happy non-violent person now). My oldest went through a phase around 2. My youngest is more of on the recieving end and my oldest is non-violent now, but gets teased. It just is.

Not that any parent likes it, and some parents may be more relaxed and some more strict but I haven't found that the two coincide with the behavior of said kid that much.

It must be hard walking around with the frontal lobe being undeveloped. People who have accidents and have brain damage to that area are pretty much 2 year olds in grown bodies, overly violent and (because they are adults) overtly sexual.

The fact that a young child is almost 100% incapable of resisting the urge to bop Mary on the head for taking their toy is just a fact of life, our job is to try to stop it and talk about it and get those synapses firing.

But the fact is development of said frontal lobe varies (and isn't complete for many years), temperments of children are wildly variable, the reality that some toddlers hit and some don't is like wondering why some kids like beets and others spit them out, like why some kids walk at 9 months and some at 16 months, it just is. Why is gentle parenting full of pleads for help for aggressive toddlers? Hmmm...maybe all their friends should ditch them because they must suck as parents and not care....or....it is a pretty ugly but natural stage. A la lord of the flies if you will.

And as moms, we hate that stage (because we either will have a hitter or a being hit kid) but IT DOES PASS. It really does. Rarely it doesn't.

The best thing to do during the ages of 20 months to 3 years is practice deep breathing and know that your hard work will pay off eventually. And that goes for the mom of the biter and the mom of the bitten.


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## PhoenixMommaToTwo (Feb 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
Redirecting & avoiding the situation temporarily seems appropriate to me. Ending MY friendship with someone over what is likely a temporary developmental step for their child seems extreme to me.









:


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I think you should ask the other mothers to prevent it. If they aren't, that's kind of weird.

But yes, my dd never hit another child...until her brother was born. And I think you might be overreacting. And it's clear you only have one child.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I try, but I'm really slow. I definitely protect the baby. I try to help my child mostly by giving her ways to react: "Please stop. I don't like that." "I don't like that. I'm leaving."

That works pretty well.

Also wanted to add... just because it's normal doesn't mean it's morally right. Most people go through a lying phase as children. Doesn't mean lying is okay for those kids, just that we need to be more patient with them and be prepared to teach the same lesson over and over and over.

I also think it's odd that these parents are not re-directing their kids. I mean, it's MY job if my kid hits to interrupt the conversation!

(Mine also never hit until she had to share her granny with a cousin... then me with her sister... now she's a real expert at physically expressing aggression!)


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

I think there are degrees. We have friends who had their first son when we already had two boys and let them play as they wished, without violence, but certainly as physically as they were both happy with. They stayed far away with their son, detesting seeing our boys hug one another to the ground laughing, or jumping side-by-side on their big bed, shoving one another onto their respective bottoms, also giggling hysterically. They nearly leapt across the room when our boys just approached their toddler, even just to hold hands. He is 6 months younger than our second. We called him our glass godson (amongst dh and me only).

Otoh, we just recently took a 2 months-long hiatus from our friends with a 2.5 yr old who was consistently bashing our dc's heads with hard objects (shovels, bats, heavy-duty metal ladles, etc) via ambush, and repeatedly mauling our 20 month old, nearly sending him down two flights of stairs head-first and leaving various marks on all of them, including one goose-egg each from a 2 hr visit one Saturday afternoon.

We stopped visiting when the explanation given to him about why he shouldn't maul (as in jump on the back and throw ds4 to the floor on his face) our youngest is because "he doesn't walk so good."







:

Our ds4 was 18 months, 31", 31 lbs, jumping on two feet and using a trampoline and walking up and down stairs with or without a railing. He walks, runs, climbs, and even somersaults very well. And if our friends thought he did too, I guess it would be okay for their son to continue mauling...







: Ours is 20 months now.

Since we stopped visiting for about two months, our friends have been in daycare (mum works there and her two dc go with her), and while he beat the children there, he gradually was taught as my friend realised because of the situation in a daycare, that she had to start to teach him, and not just make it about the ill-perceived lack of competence of other children that causes his violence to be offensive.

So, now we visit semi-frequently, and still have to keep a close eye, but they are much more diligent about mediating and preventing their son's impulses to injure- which are not because of upset, btw. For him, they are about him not really understanding that what he does is actually happening in reality and affects others. They have been steeped in such an unrealistic world of 'child-land', so sheltered from the real cause and effect relationships of real-life, that these children are learning for the first time with daily daycare exposure, that what they do has a real effect, that people are not toys and that they can actually cause real harm when they don't acknowledge this.

That said, and I'm obviously bitter about so many aspects of that sort of upbringing, I wouldn't end a friendship over hitting as impulse from upset mediated and dealt with by parents, but in my situation, daycare saved my friendship. If they hadn't gone and learned this- all of them- they would literally be a dangerous family to spend any time with (I had a serious concussion and their son came up right behind me and thrashed my head with a large hard ball nearly knocking me unconscious and they said and did nothing). They had been treating their children as if we all live in a dream world, and their children acted accordingly. If that's the reason you would end a friendship, I can understand.

They also expected my children to hit him back to teach him a lesson, but my children won't do that. They have to be literally at their wits' ends, having tried every tool they have to find a solution, to hit, and then only one another, which they follow with apologies because they feel upset with themselves when they do it. It is a very infrequent event in our home, and my boys are far from calm and serene. They will not hit a child from another family, ever. I was very upset by their expectation that my children would be expected to parent their child. There were and still are so many things going wrong in this area of our relationship (eta







with our friends.

If another toddler hits out of anger or frustration, I am not upset unless the parent doesn't deal with it. I do step in and protect my children and they have a slew of phrases they pull out when they sense that someone isn't respecting them- anyone, anytime. They are very confident that way.

My children are very amiable with others and one another and I don't allow hitting to happen while they sort things out because I don't want them to see me accepting that behaviour (modeling this so that they won't either) and I also know that if they were to retaliate, which they haven't as of the present, they would cause damage. They are very strong, wilderness-seasoned boys with great coordination. They daily injure one another unintentionally because they are not aware of their strength, like their daddy.

Also, I work very, very hard to model and teach my children about the dignity of human beings (and all living creatures and non-living things), and I don't think it makes sense that we should bear the entire burden of enacting treatment and relations that affirm that. If I can (with huge effort and energy expenditure) raise four very active, strong-willed, boys- at least three of them with ADD- to respect themselves and others, then I think so can every other parent. I don't expect the expression of that teaching to be perfect, especially with very young children, but at least a significant and thoughtful effort should be made by parents who want their children to interact with others, right?


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## BellaClaudia (Aug 1, 2008)

OH NO!

you are actually not crazy, not weird and do not need to "ligthen up".

I think that you have right to be protective of your child as any
beating teaches also your child to be hitter.

I had few phases when I allowed my dd to be exposed to kids
that were hitting and she would actually copy the behaviour
instantly.

Then I just cut the relationships and dealings with those kids
and stick to those who did not and believe me there is plenty
of kids who don't hit other children period.

I am not sayin that this is not normal or natural> I am just saying
that there is tons of parents just like you who deal with the situation
and do everything to avoid such actions.

It is different if child is releasing natural bitting tendency at home
and different when other kids are involved.

I for one could easily recongnised days or periods when my dd was
teething or going through some phase and she would bite or hit
anything in site at home and so at those times we always played
around taking her to interact with other kids when she was at her best,
relaxed, rested, fed, and she would even then not hurt anyone.

I know that if I would just let it be I would not care and take her
whenever she would end up hitting or biting someone else's child.

I have met enough caring and concerned parents that were just the
same way and would also mind the actual needs of child and worked around it
to avoid any harm by anybody. That also ment that if "a" child would
act out of sorts and wuld be more aggressive, that usually ment
that it was due to some other needs that had to be met
and so sometimes it ment going home.

I have meet enough people out there to know that there is two types..
those who will just go by scheadule of the clock and set up play dates
and or will go to some events regardless of actual child's momentarly
state of emotions and those who would always take into consideration
how the childs is at the given time and would always decide on
playdates or outings on that.

few years later, no regrets.
in between few friends with children who have scars on their faces
from actual scratching the face by other toddler, broken nose in other case
at kid who pushed other on the sidewalk face down while mom would not
give him water as she decided the child had enough for that morning to drink... then other case of a child who would actually hit a gir with a heavy toy car cutting her skin on a face - 3 stiches - both were 9 month olds.

so.. I would say I don't want to go about and change mind of every single parent out there. impossibility. but I totally could protect my dd from
free ranging by actively avoiding or controlling every situation she was in.

now at 4 the kids are much more matured and there is easier to predict
any trouble ahead and it so it is easier to let go a bit but
I would never have it any other way.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfTheMeadow* 
I definitely step in in situation where my child is hitting another child or another child is hitting my child. If it is wrestling and all parties are enjoying it, I let it go, unless I think it's escalating to the point that someone will get hurt, even if everyone is enjoying themselves.









:

My parents had the "let them work it out on their own" attitude and I was always scared of my sister and it felt like no one cared that I was being hit.

(We get along now, go figure)


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

When my kids were little, I would intercept a strike, with an understanding smile at the other parent (who at the very least was embarassed).

I got lots of practice with my twins, who loved to hit and bite each other from the time they had teeth until a little after two. It was a very humbling experience after having a placid singleton for a firstborn.

I was a preschool teacher and nanny before I was a parent, so I know how common it is for pre-verbal kids to express their inner barbarian. There are friends who I had to agree to see without our kids, because of playtime chemistry issues. But I dunno, maybe I'm just really good at picking friends, but I've never had to end a friendship because of their toddler's behavior. It's just a relatively short period of time, and there's ways to work around it.

Even though my boys never bit or hit anyone but each other







I'll admit that fear of what Other People Will Think About Them--well, okay, About Me! kept me home a lot. I don't want other people to feel that kind of anxiety, especially when they're doing the best they can, so I've comforted many parents, so they don't decide their kid is a horrible bully before they're even 3.

I also have taught all my kids how to block. I can only think of one or two times where that was necessary because I couldn't get there in time.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I see your child is only 26 months. Hitting at that age doesn't bother me as much, because a lot of toddlers use hitting, pushing, etc to communicate. Often, they lack the verbal skills to say "Hey! Don't take my toy!" or "Move! I need more personal space."

My youngest is one who needs space. He doesn't like kids touching him or getting too close, and other parents will go "Aw, she wants to hug you." I always warn people that he isn't a touchy-feely baby and that they need to move. If they choose not to move, whatever he does is what I'd consider a natural consquence.

Obviously, as children get older, hitting is less appropriate. My older two (8 and 5) know that it's unacceptable to hit people unless it's in genuine self-defence.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

my dd is an only child.

i dont think she has been hit on v. much. when she was a toddler i would talk to her to understand why the baby was hitting her. she wanted to learn. she was confused.

however from the age of 3 she hated me stepping in. i mean we have rarely had the opportunity. she'd figure out ways to handle the child if it came to that. she has been whacked on rare ocassions but never where i had to step in.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

In answer to the OP, yes, I will always intervene to keep my child from being hit. This is instinct for me. I try to react age-appropriately toward the other child. If the behavior continues or escalates we leave. DD is very sensitive (and very gentle) so we actually don't do many playdates nor do I put her in situations where there are lots of kids being energetic. I never realized that protecting your child was controversial until this thread.


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## Swirly (May 20, 2006)

I definitely try to protect my little one from being it and also try toprotect other children if I sense she is feeling violent. However, I am always amazed by how quickly little ones can shift from happy to hitting, so there have been times blows have been struck - on both sides.

I think the only situation I have dealth with that was really difficult was one where a friend's dd was pretty violent fromt eh time she could walk. I was a new mom to a small baby, and this little one would come up and hit or snatch from my 5 month old. I was beyond astonished, and distrubed that her mama didn't even seem to pay enough attention to notice. As months rolled by, my dd took 2-3 rather serious (blood-drawing, scar leaving) blwos from this child, and I grew increasingly frustrtaed with the mom's not being physically close enough to protect my child. I tried as best I could, but stufff happened sometimes.

I had to withdraw from visiting with them in person for a while, and also had to eventually sort of confront the mom about her lacksadaisical attitude. (Sitting on her bum at group meetings while her 3 year old, violent dd was out of eyesight, etc..) Her dd hurt a baby once in a class b/c she was on the phone, and other kids too, so it wasn't just us. I don't know what changed, but one day she started taking it a bit mroe seriously, and working harder to protect other kids and try to help her dd find other ways to express her feelings. She also learned some of her dd's triggers. So now, things are a bit safer, but I still have to watch that girl like a hawk, b/c out of nowhere she will occasionally lash out. The difference between her attacks and others I have seen is the amount of force she puts behind the blows or the weapons she chooses to use (hard things, sharp things). My dd is bigger now and will fight back too, so I have to keep an eye on them to make sure no brawls break out. Recently I saw them both use a lot of maturity and come get the moms when they had a conflict that was escalating. It was awesome!!


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## AutumnW (Jan 8, 2006)

I am exactly the same as you. I too have ended a friendship because she would not stop her child from bullying mine. I do not want my son to ever feel abused by anyone. This friend's son is older than mine by a year and a half and she kept telling me to just wait until my son got to that age. He never has. There have been times when he has taken a toy from a child or something and I am always quick to talk to him about it and make him give the toy back. He has always listened and understood about what behaviors are okay and which are not. I never repremanded other children at all I just redirect my son's attention away from where that child is playing and avoid situation where I have learned that the other child cannot control themself and their mother doesn't talk to them about what actions are okay and which aren't.

I do not punish my son. We talk about how he's feeling and what actions are okay to go with those feelings. He's always been very perceptive and sensitive to others actions and words. He's 27 months btw.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Well my kids have hit and bitten. Yes we work with them about how its not ok and redirect. I really don't think it has anything to do with how they're parented. I know parents who spank and don't have hitters or biters. I know parents who don't spank and have hitters and biters.

I do intervene if my kids need it. They do a great job of telling another child not to hit them and do deal with it to a certain extent on their own. I wouldn't end a friendship because of a child hitting mine, I may take a break from getting together with the kids.

Its extremely hard to be the parent of a child who bites or hits. Just as its hard to see that happen to your child. I've been on both sides and only once did I place any blame on the parents. It is a normal stage most kids go through and you're extremely lucky if your child skips that stage. Intervening is totally fine, but never letting your child play with a kid because he/she hit one time? Way too far in my opinion.


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## FullMetalMom (Aug 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
I think that you are doing the right thing. I also prevented my dd from being aggressive when she was that age and I still don't stay around people with violent kids. If your friend wasn't willing to stay right with her son and prevent violence while the two of you talked, then I also think you did the right thing by ending the friendship. I don't want my dd to be around people who view violence as a normal part of childhood and I think it is cool that I am not the only one either.









:


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Depends. When DD was younger (mostly under two) I did step in and re-direct hitters (who were often of the same age and obviously not being mean or malicious). If they were older children I politely asked them not to hit, and/or asked the parent to step in.

Now though, at 3.5, I don't step in unless there's a serious concern for injury. She's at an age where she needs to learn to stand up for herself while dealing with OTHER people's issues in a mature non-escalating way. I will sometimes remind her that she doesn't need to play with a person who is hitting her, and that she can ask them to stop, or ask the parent to ask the child to stop.

I won't always be able to fight her battles, and I think now is a good age for her to start learning how to deal with undesirable situations. Having said that, I will ALWAYS "protect" her, and hitting is obviously not OK, but I do think children need to learn (or learn when) to say things like "please stop", or "if you keep that up I will leave", or even "if you keep hitting me I will tell someone". There's such a stigma against being a tattle tale, which I think perpetuates the bullies, so I don't think children should be afraid of seeking help from an authority figure/parent when someone is hurting/scaring/threatening them.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellaClaudia* 
I think that you have right to be protective of your child *as any
beating* teaches also your child to be hitter.

You think toddlers hitting each other are "beatings"?


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
You think toddlers hitting each other are "beatings"?

Well, most beatings babies give don't come from being taught anyhow, so the point is mostly moot.









Usually 14 month olds give other babies beatings because the other baby is a thief and a robber. So what to do with the theives amongst our midst?


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

My daughter has never really tried hitting (she's 3.5) but she doesn't have any sibs or day-to-day friends to try it out on. I know that most kids will try it at some point or go through a phase of hitting, but I'm surprised how casual the parents of some "hitters" are. Just because it's "normal" doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and my kid should take a few blows till the "hitter" outgrows it. I may not have more than one myself but I am one of four and my parents did not tolerate hitting among us, period, at all, ever.

I will try to intercept a hit if I see one coming, and I will hover with a kid who is big enough to hit hard but do I worry about my ten month old niece who gets excited and kind of slappy? No, my kid can scoot away from her pretty quick if it bothers her (mostly she just says, "NO Baby L, gentle hands").

I do have one cousin whose daughter HITS. She's really just got a raging case of Mean Girl. She's also manipulitive and she lies. We avoid them as much as possible. When I was growing up, I think my mom could only befriend people whose kids were mean, lying, hitting, thieving little things and I very much resented feeling like I had to be protective of myself and my brothers when they were around. I don't see any reason to put my daughter in the same situation.

If my daughter was miserable around a kid more than she enjoyed them, we'd just "be too busy" to hang out till the phase had passed, honestly. I wouldn't stop being friends with someone because their child was in the midst of a difficult phase. I might think differently of them depending on how they handled it. Doing nothing because "it's just a phase" is pretty disrespectful of the kids being hit.


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## NicoleCS (May 30, 2008)

dd1 rarely hit/kick/bit as a toddler - though I do remember her pinching - me mostly







dd2 is 18mo old and hits/pushes, mostly when she is angry, though I noticed two occassion while playing w/cousins that she displayed this behavior when she wasn't 'angry'- as the mom - I was sad and ashamed - we don't act like this in our family







We simply try different things to correct the behavior- like for dd1 when she pinched a book of hers was put in time-out - this was very effective for her and the pinching stopped - dd2 is different (as all children are







) we have tried lots of different things with her and as one fails we pull another solution out of the hat...lately I have been asking her to "use your words"...and this seems to be working...she's a talker and LOVES to express herself through words...I cross my fingures that she will never again strike out...but I'm not holding my breath...I certainly feel parents have to be proactive when it comes to issues like these...but children will continue to express themselves in many ways, especially as their communication skills are still developing.
P.S.
I always react to the child that has been hit first - then turn to dd2 - If these individuals are your friends - talk to them about how your feeling.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I have only one child, a girl, 27 months old. She has never hit another child, or shown any aggression toward other children. I used to be a preschool teacher, so I know and understand kids DO hit, maybe it is common but I still don't think it's OK. I do not let other kids kit my daughter. No way! For one thing, I don't want her to ever have the idea that she deserves to be hit. I also don't ever want her to "learn" to hit back.


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## ilovemygirl (Sep 8, 2008)

OP here ...
I absolutely think that there are moms that think it is okay. I have met them in person and they have flat out said that hitting between children, toddlers especially, is okay because they are learning, that they don't think it's a big deal at all and one mom said she thinks it's such a normal "phase" that she won't even talk to her child about it being wrong, that he'll just eventually get the idea that other kids don't like to be hit. I know that last one is an extreme view but that person really exists and no she was not kidding.
My question wasn't so much if it was okay though but how far should you go to protect your children from it and doing it. There does seem to be a lot of debate about that. I admit I think I overreact a little bit but I also think there are many moms that underreact (I don't think that's a real word but wanted to use it anyway







).


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
Well, most beatings babies give don't come from being taught anyhow, so the point is mostly moot.









Usually 14 month olds give other babies beatings because the other baby is a thief and a robber. So what to do with the theives amongst our midst?

















:


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Well, now that I get the question better, I go pretty far to protect it. I have a good eye for when toddlers will get into a tussle over a toy or something and can redirect pretty fast. When they get older and one kid is still slap-happy, I send the kid home or we leave. It can get tricky.

For instance my son's bestfriend (both just turned 4) is kind of keen on being a bit mean at times. I send him home a lot. He doesn't listen to my son when he says he doesn't want to be splashed in the face and when the other boy does it again, he has to get out of the pool and go home. I want my son to know I won't allow him being disrespected and would not allow him to disrespect another.

It's tough because ideally the little boy wouldn't be my son's bestfriend (I have no relationship with the mother) but he likes playing with him. So I have to really monitor the situation and secretly hope he finds another friend who uses his words not his hands.

I think during the horrific stage of slap-happy kids we must be vigilant in watching play escalate and learn the signs, teach our kids to tell others their feelings and to get up and leave if their feelings aren't respected, and to reinforce that we use gentle touches even when we are mad.

I am saddened to learn that there are mothers who don't work with their children on this because, while it is a stage, it shouldn't be ignored as OK.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 







:

I just got a funny mental image of babies with chains and baseball bats and couldn't resist. My humor is sick. I apologize in advance.


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## whitneymum (Dec 29, 2008)

ok..so I got about half way through all the responses, and had to stop.

for what it's worth..I'm raising 3 boys ages 17, 6 and 2. Only one of my boys (the middle) went through any sort of hitting/biting stage. During that time I was vigilent in making sure he knew that his actions hurt others. It's a great time to teach compassion and empathy. He is now a wonderful protective brother to the wee man...who he makes sure no one hits or bits and firmly tells the hitter "that hurts my brother" the wee man will, even through tears tell them "gentle hands! "

having said that...I DO NOT allow other kids to smack mine...ever. I have avoided friends(not ended the friendship..more of not gotten together very often) during their kiddos hitting/biting phase.

I don't think it's okay for kids to hurt..others,themselves, their parents. And IMO parents should teach their kiddos not to hit..just my opinion. I know it's a pain in the ..ehem. My middle kiddo was a menace for almost a year..we powered through it, he learned how to control his body and to respect others.It was as much a gift for him as for others.

I have three boys, and no they don't hit each other either. I don't tolerate the usage of "oh they're brothers, they hit each other, that's what brothers do" They love and protect each other.
I'm raising three boys to be three good men.

Just my two cents...if you don't agree that's cool..please don't flame, I see too much of that around here.

I hope that helps OP


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

When ds was two years old I was much quicker to step in and stop the hitting/kicking/etc and we did avoid some kids that were just much more physical than my ds was.

Now that he's five I don't hover so much. The kids play in the backyard without us and while I keep an eye on him I don't run out the door at the first sign of a hand being raised. Currently, for us, hitting seems to stem largely from pretend play going beyond one of the kid's comfort level (usually lions or dinosaurs that growl too loudly in someone else's personal space). The kids do pretty well breaking that up on their own these days. If we at the park with unfamiliar kids then I'll step in more quickly, but with the kids we see every day it's very rarely necessary.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

if I'm right there and know they are going to be hit, yes, I stop it. It's only happened twice...once was Janelle when she was 2ish, she was being hit by a girl MUCH older than her, I'd guess at least 7, for having shoes on (robeez that are never worn outside...ever) in the mall play area, she hit her once and I went over there in time to grab her hand before she hit her again...her mom was pissed at me, and I truthfully didn't and still don't care. The other time was Travis, at the playground, a boy ran past him and purposefully pushed him out of the way at 22 months old...the next time I put my hand up so he ended up pushing me instead (and fell over doing so)...again, his mom was mad, saying he's autistic and does know better...but, no, I'm not going to let your kid push my kid down more than once, sorry, not happening, especially when you are twice his size (Travis is tiny). Plus, I have an autistic kid, and I don't let him act that way.

I think I have a strange perspective on this, cause except for siblings none of my kids have hit another person (or pushed, kicked, slapped, head butted, pulled hair...) since before they were 1. The one and only exception is that Kincaid went through a biting phase form 18 months till 2 ish, and I didn't let him out of his stroller in public this entire time so he couldn't bite other kids (well, except the one kid who wouldn't stop leaning into his stroller no matter how many times I warned him).

As for friends, that's a little different, but if a friend's kid hit my kid regularly, no we would not have play dates anymore.

eta: if the kids were the same age, similar in size, and not actually getting hurt I'd let them work it out themselves...but both Janelle and Travis in the instances were to young to speak up for themselves and work things out. Plus, at 2 Janelle was 17lbs and Travis is 20lbs...I'm not letting kids over twice their size pick on them...


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## jlobe (May 1, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm not original....









Yes I protect my child from all sorts of violence... physical, emotional, etc. However, in my experience all hitting/biting/etc. is not the same. There are certain child relationships that are not healthy and some that are. Some of the unhealthy relationships will have no physical violence, but other things that aren't great. Some of the healthy relationships at various ages and stages will have some hitting, etc.

Ultimately, every moment like that becomes a teaching/learning moment for both children... and they are always responded to and never ignored.


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## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

My DD went through a phase where she pulled on kids(hair, clothing, limbs) smaller than her. She was just under 2 and it suddenly started when we were in a Sing & Sign class. That class was miserable for me. The last class I stayed for 5 minutes and then just decided to leave - totally not worth having to hover and protect other children and worry about my daughter hurting someone. During this time, she also started being aggressive with a friend - me and the other girls mom mutually agreed that we should give the two girls a break. Two months later we spent an afternoon together without a single issue. My DD hasn't even attempted anything aggressive with another child - it was totally a phase for her...and I honestly believe I could not teach her anything during that time...we just needed a break. Maybe the class was too much stimulation...I don't know. But, I'm really grateful the other mom was understanding (she would be - she has 7 kids) but that we both agreed it best to keep our girls away from each other for a time. It didn't ruin our friendship and now the 2 girls love being together.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Ideally, I want to redirect DD to keep her from hitting. She is only 4 months now so we'll see what I say when she is older. However, if I ever saw a kid bullying her, you'd bet I'd be there in a heartbeat. When DD is old enough (4-6-depending on what her personality will be like), I hope to get her into a good martial arts class so she has a healthy place to direct her energy and also learn self defense at the same time.

One thing confuses me though... Folks who have the mentality that kids need to "work it out" on their own, don't seem to adopt the same policy if the small child is smacking or biting an adult. That, to me, seems confusing for a LO (not to mention hypocritical). Maybe I'll feel differently, though, when DD is 2.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I do intervene (and do it a lot, since my own kids are 13 months apart and certainly are experiencing this phase together). But I think its important to intervene in such a way that my child learns skills to protect him or herself and that I don't disempower my child in stepping in. I think it's important not to communicate a victim message to my child, and to help my child develop a sense of competance in navigating tough social situations.

So I come in as a partner, mostly to my own child, but also to both children involved, and I try to help the kids learn to work out what is going on together, also as partners to each other.

I do think it is very extreme to end a true friendship over the issue, unless that friendship was really just for the kids anyway. I would maybe spend less time with a friend if the issue was constant and the parent wasn't great in their interventions...but mainly because it would be more draining for me to get together since I'd probably be doing all the work in regard to intervention.

One final thing. Having two kids so close in age, I gotta say, I am realizing how unfortunate it is that some kids get pegged as "the biter," "the hitter," etc. Both my kids have been *angels* at times and then the other one has gone after them in one way or another. It's so easy to get all "mama lioness" on behalf of the "victim," but I've learned by watching my kids that both my kids are perfectly capable of dishing it out. It's sad to me that some kids become isolated from their friendships due to normal developmental issues relating to their brain development. May you never have a child who is isolated for the same.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

What I would like to know is how old is your child and is she your only child? You just sound like someone who has one toddler child and thinks your child will not ever do stuff. Trust me, she will. At some point she will hit another child. And it will not mean she is bad any more than it means the other children who hit are bad. No, I don't allow other kids to hit my kids. But I can't always stop everything and the older they get the more they are not with me so I can't control all their interactions. My children are 8, 6, and 3 and they have all hit and have all been hit. And we deal with it and we move on.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

I wish I could have protected my younger two from being hit but their older sibling(s) went through an aggressive phase.

Lets see, outside of their brothers though I don't think my younger two were hit very much. Sometimes they had their hair pulled etc by younger toddlers.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
What I would like to know is how old is your child and is she your only child? You just sound like someone who has one toddler child and thinks your child will not ever do stuff. Trust me, she will. At some point she will hit another child. And it will not mean she is bad any more than it means the other children who hit are bad. No, I don't allow other kids to hit my kids. But I can't always stop everything and the older they get the more they are not with me so I can't control all their interactions. My children are 8, 6, and 3 and they have all hit and have all been hit. And we deal with it and we move on.

no, there are children who don't hit. Just because you have 3 it doesn't make you and expert.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom* 
no, there are children who don't hit. Just because you have 3 it doesn't make you and expert.

How many children do you have?


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
How many children do you have?

I have to agree with TransylvaniaMom here. I know some onlies who have never hit another child, and possibly never hit their parents. I think the dynamic changes drastically when there are multiple kids close in age. Neither situation is better than the other, IMO. Pretty much all children grow up to be non-hitters.

OP, I am surprised that you have encountered parents that don't care if their kids hit. Kids can really hurt each other! If I were you, I'd tell that mom that YOU care if your child gets hurt, and you'll catch up with her when her dc grows out of hitting, then.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom* 
no, there are children who don't hit. Just because you have 3 it doesn't make you and expert.

Socially, kids are just awful at it for so long it makes us....oh wait, parents. It's why we are here.









I have had the blessing to have a major in developmental psychology, a former pre-school and daycare worker, and teacher of 6-8th graders. Oh, and mom to two boys 4 and 2 who were in daycare briefly. Both kids are wonderfully non-violent. Not that one didn't have the stage and the other was just too passive to do anything but get hit (all during daycare).

ALL KIDS WILL HIT IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY.

Why? As I explained, their frontal lobe (the part in charge of controlling behaviors) is mush. They can't. They may want to not touch the thing said 400 times to not touch but they will touch it. They may not want to get hysterical because we must leave the library but they will flail and scream. They may not want to hit Jessy but they are mad and flail at Jessy. We, as parents, become experts at trying to make life easier for the poor kid with frontal lobe mush. We hold them when they are in mental breakdown, we understand how scary it is for them to be so out of control, we redirect gently when we see our kiddo is getting frustrated. It's what we do.

I would say daycare was the experience that really brought out the ugly in all kids. I got owie reports (your son was bopped in the head) and reports (your son bit a kid). Truthfully? I wasn't exactly pleased with the level of monitoring since when I was a pre-school teacher not one person ever.ever.ever got hit. There is no reason for it to happen and it is a wonderful chance to teach how we use our words. I can see a brawl in the making so fast it can make your head spin. I can see babies that need to be seperated 5 minutes before the parents see it. It will happen, especially in group/chaotic situations.

If you avoid those, you may think your kid won't hit, or you may realistically know that you have avoided the triggers that make kids hit. There is a difference.

But what I would like to see happen is more parents noticing the triggers (when your babe steals another babe's toy, get in there NOW) or a cranky babe that wants to be alone, let's not go on a playdate. Teething kid who likes to bite recently? Give him a teething toy and do one-on-one with careful monitoring and be ready to end the date. Kid is about to be bopped? Step in and model how we use words, for your kid and the other one.

Your kid got bopped? Talk about how much it hurts when that happens and how we should only use our hands for love.

But ALWAYS, ALWAYS be compassionate towards all children and mothers that may be going through stages and ALWAYS resist the urge to think you are better because they aren't doing x or are doing x. Your mothering skills have nothing to do with it. Well, your intelligence to keep them out of chaos is telling and deserves a kudos.









But other than that, yup, it happens, and there most definately are ways to avoid your kid bopping or being bopped, but that comes from experience and vigilance and what I like to say I have, hawk eyes (and eyes on the back of my head).


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

I have not taken the time to read the other responses but, I am with you, I will protect my children no matter what. If I see something I can prevent I will and I have taken special precaution with the baby, she can't defend herself.

There are especially agressive kids I know and they are not left alone with my youngins. I have seen them STOMP on babies-2 month old babies







(not mine and if I could have jumped into the middle of the action I would have) Not OK by me even if the aggressor is 2 years old. Stomping on a baby is absolutely horrible and possibly *extremely* damaging. Broken rib anyone?

Unfortunately I have been in a situation where one child was particulary agressive with DS. For some reason the child singled him out whenever we were together. My rule was if this child hit DS we would leave the playdate immediately. It happened a couple of times and since then this child has not hit DS, thank heavens. It wasn't just a silly hit, it was a very deliberate hit with a wooden toy, not OK and we left. By us leaving the way we did I hope it taught the child tht if you hit your friends they don't want to play with you (of course DS still wanted to play but I said in the very beginning if there was hitting/biting/kicking/etc. we would leave, I owed it to the agressive child (& mine) to stand by my word, kwim?)

I think if the parent of the agressive child is not willing, not able to, or whatever it is, it's ok to step in and to take any measure you see fit to stop this behavior. I don't like to hear- they all do it, they will get over it, etc. Nope, it's not OK and sometimes, the abused doesn't get over it, sometimes they are badly hurt. But yes, kids do hit, kids get hit, but it is not alright to let it slide, someone needs to step in.

So no, I have no problem stepping in, even if I see agressive behavior towards a child that is not mine. The agressor NEEDS to know that behavior is not OK.

Edited to add- the agressive situation we left was not just an occassional thing, this was soemthing that happened every. single. time. and it was vicious, very scarily vicious, almost evil (I hate using the word evil but, that's what it was).


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jojo F.* 
I have not taken the time to read the other responses but, I am with you, I will protect my children no matter what. If I see something I can prevent I will and I have taken special precaution with the baby, she can't defend herself.

There are especially agressive kids I know and they are not left alone with my youngins. I have seen them STOMP on babies-2 month old babies







(not mine and if I could have jumped into the middle of the action I would have) Not OK by me even if the aggressor is 2 years old. Stomping on a baby is absolutely horrible and possibly *extremely* damaging. Broken rib anyone?

Unfortunately I have been in a situation where one child was particulary agressive with DS. For some reason the child singled him out whenever we were together. My rule was if this child hit DS we would leave the playdate immediately. It happened a couple of times and since then this child has not hit DS, thank heavens. It wasn't just a silly hit, it was a very deliberate hit with a wooden toy, not OK and we left. By us leaving the way we did I hope it taught the child tht if you hit your friends they don't want to play with you (of course DS still wanted to play but I said in the very beginning if there was hitting/biting/kicking/etc. we would leave, I owed it to the agressive child (& mine) to stand by my word, kwim?)

I think if the parent of the agressive child is not willing, not able to, or whatever it is, it's ok to step in and to take any measure you see fit to stop this behavior. I don't like to hear- they all do it, they will get over it, etc. Nope, it's not OK and sometimes, the abused doesn't get over it, sometimes they are badly hurt. But yes, kids do hit, kids get hit, but it is not alright to let it slide, someone needs to step in.

So no, I have no problem stepping in, even if I see agressive behavior towards a child that is not mine. The agressor NEEDS to know that behavior is not OK.

Edited to add- the agressive situation we left was not just an occassional thing, this was soemthing that happened every. single. time. and it was vicious, very scarily vicious, almost evil (I hate using the word evil but, that's what it was).























2 month old babes? Why? AHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Yes, kids can get seriously hurt. My son was very, very lucky when a kid randomly (and purposefully) jumped off a play structure onto my sons face. I thought we would have to go to the hospital. He still talks about it. The boy just ran off (I think realizing the seriousness of the injury). I was too worried consoling my son and checking him and running home for ice that I have no idea what the parent thought (or even knew). Scary sometimes!


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 





















2 month old babes? Why? AHHHH!!!!!!!!!


Yes, 2 months old, I was horified to see it and then even more so when I saw the mother's reaction(mother of the agressor- 2 yrs old)- "no big deal"







(the mom of the 2 month old I could see was trying to be nice to her friend but it was very disturbing. Of course the 2yo was not told to stop) Right then and there I realized just how protective I had to be of my LO. It could have been so much more awful then it was.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
It does happen, it isn't a big deal IMO, your daughter will do it or will use another inappropriate outlet such as *verbal abuse*, because it takes a long time to learn social rules and for our brains to learn impulse control. It's not the end of the world, and it shouldn't be your hill to die on IMO.

Just curious - how exactly would a toddler be verbally abusive to another child.


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## vtgirl (Mar 20, 2002)

someone way up thread said that it is NOT always a phase and some kids DON'T grow out of it and i agree.

we have dear friends whose dd is 5 and has not stopped. she is aggressive and mean when she doesn't get her way. she recently kicked my dd (8) so hard that she thought her arm was broken. my dd has never hit anyone and never hit her back (though dh has urged her to - ugh) and as much as we tell her to walk away or say "STOP!" she just is not as aggresive as her friend and continues to get hurt. the parents rarely step in unless my dd gets *really* hurt. but they also allow her speak rudely to them, hit them, climb all over them, make demands and generally rule the roost.

they live 3 hours away so we do not see them often but for this childs whole life she has hit, kicked and been nasty to my child when she is tired or mad or hungry or its raining - you get the picture. and we have had a yearly tradition of taking a weeks vacation together that we will not be continuing next year because they refuse to control their child. probably about 90% of the time she is a delight - she's funny and fun and seriously cute as a button but when she is set off you better watch out. its sad to be ending this tradition because of her innapropiate behaviour but i refuse to let my kid be physically assaulted anymore.

so, when parents have a hands off approach about the hitting and assume its just a stage they could be taking a big risk that it will NOT stop after a little while.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
Just curious - how exactly would a toddler be verbally abusive to another child.

This is a very odd thread. I have never heard of children under (or around) the age of two being accused of "beating" others or being "verbally abusive". If that's the vernacular used to describe pretty typical toddler behavior, then guess I definitely fall into the "they're toddlers it's no big deal" camp, because seriously, that's some pretty heavy language to describe a TWO YEAR OLD.

By all means, prevent your child from getting beaned in the head with flying toys or getting stomped on, but I just can't wrap my brain around a 2 year old "beating" another kid or being "verbally abusive". Nor do I think it's really fair to use descriptors usually reserved for _violent_ behavior.

As has already been mentioned, most toddlers cannot resist the urge to act on their impulses. We're always talking about the under-three's lack of impulse control, and this is a prime example of that. Toddlers are not "beating" their playmates, nor are they "verbally abusive" if they scream when frustrated. So weird...


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My dd was large for her age at 2, so it was more a case of protecting other kids from her than protecting her from them. She was like this huge puppy dog running around bumping into things with no idea of the trouble she left in her wake. I would just follow her around and scoop her up with reminders to be gentle. She did outgrow it. And she was an only until the age of 7. There were parents who thought she was just a bad kid, at the age of 2, for it, and they were lucky to have sweet tempered serene kids. Who do exist quite naturally - not all kids are like mine. But when kids are like this, it isn't due to something being wrong or bad parenting.


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## jlobe (May 1, 2009)

You know, it is a bit like comparing apples and oranges. Toddler hitting is very different from school age hitting. Also, the intention is very different and the ferociousness of it. Sometimes with toddlers(or maybe just my son







) there is a playful quality or an imitative aspect to it. Sure it needs to be responded to, but no, I don't believe at that age it is a huge deal.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

I have 2 kids. They do not hit. They have never hit another child, and they've never hit us as parents (they're almost 4 and almost 6). Funnily, they've never been hit in a play situation, ever. Not in preschool, not at playdates, not on the playground. Maybe we're the anomaly







I'd probably be so shocked it happened that I WOULD intervene.

And I would stop them from being hit. It was likely my responsibility that they ended up in a playdate/playground situation with hitters, and as a parent, it's my responsibility to ensure the their physical (and emotional) welfare. I don't care what developmental or special needs stage another child is going through, I really don't...I'm not cool with ANYONE hitting my kids, another adult, another child.

And I don't see it as building passive kids either. DD takes martial arts and learns allll about hitting/blocking in an appropriate setting, where it isn't initiated by someone having a tantrum/being bratty.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
Just curious - how exactly would a toddler be verbally abusive to another child.

They can't. LOL.

In the future though (especially with girls I have heard) you get to deal with them saying rude, mean things. Our kids, all of them, will at one point be mean to another human and it is sooooo sad.

I just said that because girls are kind of known for it (my son plays mostly with the girls at pre-school as the boys are too wild for him, and I have heard mean things from the girls).

Sometimes it makes me want to put my sons in a bubble.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vtgirl* 
And I don't see it as building passive kids either.

Not passive, but unable to make the right decisions to keep ones self safe. If/when I have to intervene, I almost always approach my daughter with suggestions and affirmation that she doesn't need to continue playing with someone who hurt her, not to swoop in and deal with the other kid.

It's my job to raise a child that A.) knows hitting is wrong, and B.) knows what to do when other people hit her, so I don't put all the importance on preventing the hitting, but more on how to deal with it. With that knowledge she's less likely to end up playing with a kid who escalates things to that point if she knows she can walk away when things start to get out of hand. Quite honestly, it's not something we've really had to deal with. When kids start to get rough we move along, and at 3.5 half she is very good at backing out of play that can escalate. And I don't think there's a greater lesson for kids who play too rough than to find out that people won't want to be around you if you can't be nice.


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## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

It depends. I think there are kids who go through "hitting phases", like my now 1 yr old, and whose parents will attempt to model good behaviour and word use. Let's use our gentle hands when we touch our friends, dog, cat, etc. Do you want your toy back? Ok, let's ask Joey for the toy. When that is the situation I would not avoid the child, the parent or the family. What an isolating experience that would be for all of them. I would be devestated if my friends decided that they were going to end their friendship with me because dd is in a hitting phase.

That being said, when it is a family that does not believe in attempting to re-directing this behaviour and model good behaviour then I would avoid get togethers with them.

On another note, I DO NOT believe that a hitting, kicking, biting phase is an indicator of whether a baby/toddler will grow into an aggressive child/adult. Both my boys went through those phases and they are now very gentle boys. They love babies and animals. They are great at talking things out with each other and others. They do like to wrestle with each other though!


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
ALL KIDS WILL HIT IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY.

Why? As I explained, their frontal lobe (the part in charge of controlling behaviors) is mush. They can't. They may want to not touch the thing said 400 times to not touch but they will touch it. They may not want to get hysterical because we must leave the library but they will flail and scream. They may not want to hit Jessy but they are mad and flail at Jessy. We, as parents, become experts at trying to make life easier for the poor kid with frontal lobe mush. We hold them when they are in mental breakdown, we understand how scary it is for them to be so out of control, we redirect gently when we see our kiddo is getting frustrated. It's what we do.


I respectfully disagree. I'm not saying that some children are angels who don't have tantrums, touch things they are not supposed to touch or scream hysterically, but I maintain that there are children who do not hit. Yes, I worked with children for a while and I won't say how many I have now because there will always be someone who has at least one more than I do and will be more knowledgeable than me. What I can say is that I have a ds who is almost 5 and who never hit another child. This doesn't mean we didn't have our fair share of tantrums and doing things he wasn't (isn't) supposed to do or that he doesn't hit because of my superior way of parenting. And I agree with you that when a child hits we should redirect, distract, give him space, whatever works.

I just didn't like the fact that because OP has only one small child anyone else with two or more can say to her you have no idea what you are talking about, trust me, your child will hit, they ALL hit.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom* 
I respectfully disagree. I'm not saying that some children are angels who don't have tantrums, touch things they are not supposed to touch or scream hysterically, but I maintain that there are children who do not hit. Yes, I worked with children for a while and I won't say how many I have now because there will always be someone who has at least one more than I do and will be more knowledgeable than me. What I can say is that I have a ds who is almost 5 and who never hit another child. This doesn't mean we didn't have our fair share of tantrums and doing things he wasn't (isn't) supposed to do or that he doesn't hit because of my superior way of parenting. And I agree with you that when a child hits we should redirect, distract, give him space, whatever works.

I just didn't like the fact that because OP has only one small child anyone else with two or more can say to her you have no idea what you are talking about, trust me, your child will hit, they ALL hit.

What I said is if *given the opportunity*, all kids will hit.

And I stand by that because of what I know of their brain development.

(Ok, I could be discounted by the fact that some children may be incapable because of defects, developmental delays, but all healthy children will if given the opportunity)


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
Redirecting & avoiding the situation temporarily seems appropriate to me. Ending MY friendship with someone over what is likely a temporary developmental step for their child seems extreme to me.

I agree. But it sounds like you're a new mom. I remember when my first was about this age and another mom similar to you. I remember another child at a playgroup acting out like taking another child's toy etc (her child). She basically found her way to kick this other child OUT of our playgroup or arranged to have only certain people come to her house for playdates. She has done this with many things and has a huge laundry list of people she "dosent talk to, wont play with, etc". Not worth it in my opinion.

and FWIW, yes I do not like other kids hitting my kids nor do I like my child doing this. Wait until your child is about 5 and older and other kids are mean to them. You think this is bad, you are in for it!


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
I prevent it when I can, and limit time with kids for whom hitting is a constant issue.

But I'm not nearly as uptight about it now as I was when my first was that age.

I agree. I'd stop it if I saw in time, but I do think that it is something that can happen with young kids. I disagree that ALL of them will hit, but it is common when you have kids without enough language to express all their needs/wants and an inability to tolerantly wait their turn.

My kids are 13, 8 and 6, and I've only limited contact with one friend due to hitting. And it was with the oldest - so I think there is some validity to the firstborn moms being more sensitive to what is unfortunately something that happens sometimes.

I limited because the other mom wouldn't stop her child from beating the tar out of my kid and another mom's kid. (All kids were within two weeks of age of each other but the hitter was a fair amount bigger than our kids.) If that mom (one of my best friends at the time; we saw each other almost daily for years) would have dealt with it at all, I'd have been fine with it. It wasn't really the hitting 'cause that does happen with toddlers. It was the mom who cared more about her child not being told no or restricted in any way over my kid's right to play without getting pummeled. (that doesn't look right no matter how I spell it...) By the time her kid grew out of it, neither me or my kid were really that interested in a close friendship with them anymore. I wish she'd have worked with me a little to keep both kids safe - but she wouldn't.

If you never tell your kid no, I think you're doing a poor job of parenting. You can redirect; you can do it gently - but kids do things that are unsafe or unkind and it is our job as adults to help them stop and make a different choice. If you want to raise a kid that thinks the rules don't apply to him, that everything should and will go his way every time, for whom making and keeping friends is difficult, for whom school and jobs are "unfair" and frustrating, just let them do WHATEVER their little hearts desire. And that kid will grow into an adult who can't figure out where all these problems are coming from...







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
I think you should ask the other mothers to prevent it. If they aren't, that's kind of weird.

I agree. I'd physically intervene the first time, but let the other mother know we'll "both" need to oversee a little closer. If she isn't interested in helping her kid not to hit, I wouldn't hang around.

My dd2 was in a toddler group (kids two years old) that was run like co-op preschool in a relaxed version. A boy there - for no apparent reason - would come FROM ANOTHER ROOM and just walk up and hit or push my kid, then walk away. Every week (group met once a week) this would happen. I was livid but more tolerant of finding a solution that I'd have been if it was my dd1. Teacher wanted us to ignore hitter completely and focus on making sure victim of hitting was ok. I doubted this would work, but we tried it. Other mom was SUPER apologetic, and followed her son around like a hawk, but toddlers are quick and he'd get away from her sometimes. He found a way to hit/push her every time he had any chance to. About the time I was ready to try to get that kid taken out of group until he could learn not to hit (as I didn't think it was fair that WE dropped out for HIS misbehavior), he pulled a whopper. I was right next to my dd2; he came from another room but my back was to that door so I didn't see him until too late. He shoved her down, KICKED HER IN THE HEAD, and started to walk away when I caught him. Picked him up (little rougher than I'm proud of but my kid had honestly been taking some really violent behavior from him for MONTHS), stormed into the hall, put him down and got right to his eye level and said "DO NOT HIT HER AGAIN" in a very stern/mad voice. He never touched her again, but did start to attack another boy in the class and that continued til the end of the year.

Forward three months and I find out that this little boy will be in my dd's preschool class - in another city! What are the odds??? I was livid. But you know what? (you will not guess this one) We ended up carpooling. He grew out of the hitting, and they actually became little buddies. He often had playdates at our house or his after preschool so they could play more together. They also ended up in the same alternative kindergarten class in yet another city from where toddler group and preschool were located. Three different cities, three different programs - both our kids in same class. And he ended up being one my favorite kids in her class. I learned a lot during that process - and so did my kid!

She - even at two years old - learned to stand up for herself. When she so much as SAW him, she'd make this growling noise - which really broke my heart then but it was her version of "don't f with me, buddy". We won't always be there to protect them; teach them to say "stop that!"

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
Usually 14 month olds give other babies beatings because the other baby is a thief and a robber. So what to do with the theives amongst our midst?


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
What I said is if *given the opportunity*, all kids will hit.

And I stand by that because of what I know of their brain development.

(Ok, I could be discounted by the fact that some children may be incapable because of defects, developmental delays, but all healthy children will if given the opportunity)

I also respectfully disagree. Culture and parental role modelling also go into that equation. As I said in my post, my now 5 and 3 yr old have NEVER hit another child, nor have any of their playmates - casual or long term - ever hit them.

Maybe they're defective or 'developmentally delayed' or whatever else it was you wrote









And I also know a thing or two about child development. Master's in social work, I work with kids in a counselling setting.







Oh, and I'm a mom too., maybe not of 10 kids between the ages of 2 mos and 18 yrs old, but enough to see what the norms are around me.


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## MamieCole (Jun 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whitneymum* 
ok..so I got about half way through all the responses, and had to stop.

for what it's worth..I'm raising 3 boys ages 17, 6 and 2. Only one of my boys (the middle) went through any sort of hitting/biting stage. During that time I was vigilent in making sure he knew that his actions hurt others. It's a great time to teach compassion and empathy. He is now a wonderful protective brother to the wee man...who he makes sure no one hits or bits and firmly tells the hitter "that hurts my brother" the wee man will, even through tears tell them "gentle hands! "

having said that...I DO NOT allow other kids to smack mine...ever. I have avoided friends(not ended the friendship..more of not gotten together very often) during their kiddos hitting/biting phase.

I don't think it's okay for kids to hurt..others,themselves, their parents. And IMO parents should teach their kiddos not to hit..just my opinion. I know it's a pain in the ..ehem. My middle kiddo was a menace for almost a year..we powered through it, he learned how to control his body and to respect others.It was as much a gift for him as for others.

I have three boys, and no they don't hit each other either. I don't tolerate the usage of "oh they're brothers, they hit each other, that's what brothers do" They love and protect each other.
I'm raising three boys to be three good men.

Just my two cents...if you don't agree that's cool..please don't flame, I see too much of that around here.

I hope that helps OP


























Thank you! I am so excited to actually see an experienced parent with this point of view. I am very uncomfortable with seeing siblings physically fight with each other. My friends say things like "Oh you just wait." and "It's because you are an only child. That's what brothers/sisters DO. You can't stop it." etc.
And yes, I am an only child. And yes, until October I only have two children who are 12 years apart and have never had to deal with it. But I just don't see how it is ok to allow siblings to hit each other simply because they are related.


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
This is a very odd thread. I have never heard of children under (or around) the age of two being accused of "beating" others or being "verbally abusive". If that's the vernacular used to describe pretty typical toddler behavior, then guess I definitely fall into the "they're toddlers it's no big deal" camp, because seriously, that's some pretty heavy language to describe a TWO YEAR OLD.

By all means, prevent your child from getting beaned in the head with flying toys or getting stomped on, but I just can't wrap my brain around a 2 year old "beating" another kid or being "verbally abusive". Nor do I think it's really fair to use descriptors usually reserved for _violent_ behavior.

As has already been mentioned, most toddlers cannot resist the urge to act on their impulses. We're always talking about the under-three's lack of impulse control, and this is a prime example of that. Toddlers are not "beating" their playmates, nor are they "verbally abusive" if they scream when frustrated. So weird...


I am one of the posters who used the word 'beat' in reference to a 2.5 yr old. I have to stand by that interpretation of his behaviour because it wasn't impulsive and was repetitive- and significantly injurious. This is a case of parenting issues though. Clearly, and evidenced by his still being in a hitting phase, but being supervised so his mum doesn't lose her job at the daycare they attend. Both of these children are violent, and not impulsively so. They plan their actions and carry them out with glee (ripping out so much hair that their sibling bleeds and nothing precipitating it, or at least no escalation at all, just a calm decision to grab and pull until there's blood; or biting right through skin; or using hard-heavy objects on others and watching intently to see the reaction.) No remorse. I think that's violent, not impulsive, but i would agree with you in general.

We limit our visits still and watch unendingly. Our boys do not hit or in any way lash out at these children, no matter what they do. Our oldest three do tell them very firmly what they think of that treatment though, and they also leave when they have had enough.

I really did ponder my use of such strong language as violence and beating when I wrote, but unlike what I would normally think of such behaviour, it was and is warranted with these children.


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## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

I am having a similar problem with a friend of mine whose child is 4 and
Now it just plain makes me angry. I limit contact with this momma and her child. Whenever he hits she just says "don't hit" that's not nice. A couple of times she even smacked him...which TRUST ME is not the consequence i'm looking for.

I'm the one who has to step in and say X, do not hit my son. If you continue to you will not be invited back here. The last day I invited her over he pushed my son off a rocking horse and got on it. Other mom said the same thing she always does, but did not ask him to get off the horse. That was my last straw.

I agree with pp who say that 3 and under is young to expect them to fully understand their actions at all times. But you can also tell when something is premeditated...and if the parent refuses to accept/address that...then I say MOVE ON. If the child continues to get away with their violence then THAT IS what they are learning.

And just for the record...this 4 year old doesn't hit his age peers...just my 15 month old son. And it doesn't happen just once or twice a visit. It happens every 5 minutes. Everytime I take my eyes off of them, even just to pour a drink and we're all in the kitchen. Even if just for a moment. And my son doesn't copy his behavior thank god! But he does stand there looking hurt and scared and it breaks my heart.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom* 
no, there are children who don't hit. Just because you have 3 it doesn't make you and expert.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
How many children do you have?


I agree with Transylvania mom. I have 4 kids, almost 7, 5 1/2, almost 2, and 2 months...none of the older 3 have hit anyone after like 9 months to a year old, and then it was just exploring the use of their hands, not truly hitting, we re-directed and the phase was over quickly, and that was it. Neither of my oldest two have ever been in trouble at school for doing ANYTHING to another child, including hitting, kicking, pushing, taking toys away, teasing, etc, and Kincaid due to special needs has been in pre-school without me there with him since 2 1/2 years old. He's actually never been in trouble for anything, Janelle did get in trouble for talking out of turn and for not paying attention, but that's it. I also grew up in a daycare, so I've seen tons of kids grow up, and I've definitely seen quite a few that never hit...


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

For the mamas who have written that their children never hit or didn't after a stage in toddlerhood or infancy, do you all mean even their siblings?

The reason I ask is that my children have never hit someone else's child, but they do hit one another, and recognise it as being deleterious to their relationships, so they make amends right away or nearly if they were incensed and need to calm down first.

I shoved a girl in fourth grade who had been bullying everyone at least emotionally for the entire year- boys and girls alike. She tried to goad me into responding to her so she'd have a reason to hurt me by saying "Was that your mother? She's a WITCH!" One quick shove, she fell and never spoke to me again. She actually completely laid off of everyone for the remainder of the year. The teachers said nothing to me about it. Besides that incident, I had never before and never since had any sort of physical altercation with anyone.

Anyone except my younger brother, that is. We hit one another pretty frequently until I was 11 years old, when I stopped hitting back because I realised what I was doing and the incongruity between what I believed about hitting (the reason I didn't hit anyone but my brother), and what I was actually doing was pretty huge and untenable. So I stopped right then- a singular resolve ended it. He hit me for a bit longer, but after he passed the impulsive urge and was able to line up his body with his understanding, he stopped too.

My opinion on my hitting my brother in the first place is that I viewed him the way I saw my father viewing my mother. He didn't hit her, but he definitely lashed her in every other way (and she returned the treatment), but overall, he thought of her as inferiour and that's how I viewed my brother as the big and little relationship model I experienced played out in my life.

My boys definitely hit impulsively when they do (as opposed to gleeful premeditation or habit), which is why they have immediate or nearly immediate remorse and desire to reconcile. They are not modeling a relationship perspective with their hitting and as a result, it is a completely different thing than it was between my brother and me as children. Their desire for connection and reconnection when they've damaged their relationship is modeled though and that is by far the bigger part of the hitting 'transaction'.

Sometimes the hit one is not willing to reconcile immediately and that is the hardest thing to see (for me) because both are genuinely heart-broken. At those times I talk with them about how reconciliation is for both of them and of course guide them in their view of hitting and the dignity of human life, the importance of their bonds and the real possibilities of healing even after hurt.

This is so melodramatic, I know







, but this is how they will navigate every relational hurt in their lives, so I want them to form a beneficial emotional habit. It's important to me that they have the tools and attitudes that empower them to navigate discord successfully, even if that means that I enter their world of overblown emotions over a pink ball.

So, I am curious about whether there are siblings within a close-ish range who never hit one another and what their overall temperaments are, if anyone is willing to share.


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