# Babysitter spanks her own kids...what to do?



## CollegeMama (Oct 31, 2002)

I was a complete idiot and never asked her about discipline when we did the initial interview because, well, DS was only 6 weeks old then and I just didn't think about it.

Anyway, we were talking the last time I picked DS up and she was telling me about this woman who sends her kid to the babysitter's Sunday School class. This woman's child is very unruly, doesn't have boundries at home and when babysitter put this kid in time-out for doing something inappropriate, the mother went off on the babysitter. Babysitter says this kid loves Sunday School and she thinks it's because it's the only place she has boundries. She then told me about an incident that happened that day with her youngest (2 or 3?). The youngest told the eldest to "shut up", babysitter warned her not to say that again. Well, she said it again and babysitter spanked her for it.

Obviously I'm against it, I don't want my child spanked and I don't know how to approach this woman, telling her that I don't want my child spanked, without totally insulting her parenting styles. HELP!

What would you do?

TIA,

Marcy


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I would look for a new daycare.

Asking her not to spank your ds will not prevent her from spanking her children IN FRONT OF your ds. Aside from being possibly traumatic, what kind of message will this to communicate to your ds about the appropriate use of power? About trust?

How many hours a week is he in this woman's care? How influencial a role will she play in the long run? What sort of philosophies about the care of children does this woman back up her actions with? If she feels spanking is appropriate, then her expectations about your ds's role and "place" in the group may be drastially different than yours.

I would quietly start researching new daycares.


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

ITA with mamaduck. You don't want this woman caring for your son. Even if you could be confident that she would never strike your child (and you can't really - don't most spankers swat a kid as a knee-jerk reaction?), it is clear that her views on discipline differ greatly from your own.

No spanking debates, please, but I hope that most here can agree that a person who spanks most likely has an entirely different way of thinking about children than non-spankers do. So even if she doesn't spank your child, her attitude will spill over into the ways she does handle him.

Plus there is also the witnessing of spanking that mamaduck mentioned.


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## AnnaReilly (Mar 8, 2003)

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I wouldn't be so quick to find a new sitter. If you are happy with her, and your DS is happy with her, I would have a frank and open discussion with her before making the switch. Especially if she has been caring for your son since he was 6 weeks old.

I would bring it up by telling her that DS is getting to the age now where some things might come up that require discipline and then you can get into it from there.

I agree that in general most "spankers" have different parenting philosophies than "non-spankers" in many areas, but the thing with generalities is that they aren't always true. For example, my mother spanked but aside from that she'd pretty much fit in with all the other aspects of AP... I think she just didn't really know any better. (I was a VERY stong-willed child and I don't think she knew any other way to get me to behave.) And I know my mom has no problem respecting my wishes about not spanking my DD. Some people have just been raised around spanking and they don't see anything wrong with it... they don't knowingly do it to make their kids submissive - they just don't know any other discipline tools.

So I'd say give her chance to at least discuss it with you before you make any decisions.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

I would find a new sitter.

When I was a kid my babysitter was not allowed to spank me, but she did much worse than spank her own kids in front of me. It was very traumatic for me and I was scared to death of her.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Find a new sitter. She may agree with you in principle (that if you don't want her to she shouldn't spank your child) but if she's used to disciplining in that way, it may happen before she's even thought about it. And, like someone else mentioned, she will still likely hit her own/other children around yours.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I think I'd have a talk with her, for sure. You musn't be worried about insulting her parenting if you are PAYING her for her services. If she's a professional, she'll both expect AND respect your wishes. If you get the feeling she is just giving you lip service, I'd definitely be looking for another sitter.


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## tenne (Sep 12, 2002)

I don't think you should worry about insulting her - she works for you. I would start by asking her how she would handle different situations and see if her answers are in agreement with your beliefs. Then go from there.
I have to disagree that you should remove him from her care. My parents spanked me but never in front of anyone and they would never dream of striking another persons child. My father did most of the spanking and I have always felt more respected by him than anyone else in my life. I think that my parents would have been just as effective without spanking but in my case it was not harmful to me or our relationship. Further, there are plenty of people who don't spank but treat their children horrendously. I think you need to look at her relationship with Aidan and with her own children and decide how it makes you feel - does she relate to them in a way you are comfortable with.
Definetly discuss her views on discipline and punishment and let her know your beliefs. Do not feel badly - he is your son and you have the right to dictate how he is cared for.


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## angelrose (Jan 1, 2003)

Honestly I would get a new sitter... even if you told her to not spank your child.. there is always the chance she might and just not tell you...and she will probably spank other children in front of your child and obviously that is not the message you want sent to your child...that hitting is ok...it might even make him afraid of the sitter.. he might worry that she will hit him or something..not exactly a good relationship kwim?

Kellina


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## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

Well, even if one agrees with spanking her own children, it would take some pretty big balls to spank someone else's, so, I wouldnt worry about that. You do have to think about how you feel about having your son witness these spankings, however. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe discuss why you ch oose not to use physical punishment, and why she may feel it is appropriate. If ds seems concerned or afraid, it is either time to ask her not to do it in front of him, or to go find other child care arrangments.


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## ComeOnLetsGo (Nov 19, 2001)

I would find another sitter. I don't want my kids witnessing their friends (or anyone) being purposely hurt. Hitting others is not ok...no matter who is doing it, or what their "reasoning" is. I can only imagine the helplessness your ds would feel if made to watch one of his friends get hit. I think it would be traumatizing! Not an environment I would want my kids to be in.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I would get a new babysitter because I feel that is teaching your child that they have a right to non-violent care. If your children even witnessed a spanking they cannot feel safe with this person.
And they are at risk of being spanked themselves. I was spanked by my father and one of the strongest feelings was, why did my mother and other siblings not speak up and defend me?


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## CollegeMama (Oct 31, 2002)

Thanks for your replies. Lots to think about here. I honestly don't think she'd spank Aidan, since she teaches at her church and also substitute teaches at a public school. We'll definitely have to have a talk before I send him there again, but I really think she'd use other forms of discipline if that ever came up.
He only goes to her 2 hours a day for 2 days a week. That's 4 hours a week total.
The thing I'm worried about is him witnessing a spanking. I'll just have to talk to her and see how it goes. She's really good at relating to her children and DS (he's only 10 months) loves her, so I'd like for this to work out if possible.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Oh Marcy -- I didn't realize it was only 4 hours a week. That isn't too bad -- I was thinking it was 40 hours a week, and this woman would be a *major* influence on him. I bet you can work this out.


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## CollegeMama (Oct 31, 2002)

Mamaduck- I wanted so desperately to be a SAHM, so we worked out a deal where I can go into work an hour early, and DH already worked nights, so it keeps us from having to go outside the immediate family as much as we can. We're so lucky we don't have to have 40 hour a week daycare. In that case, I'd be taking a totally different stance on it.
Marcy


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## MoonLissa (May 3, 2003)

Here in California, licensed day care providers will lose their license if there is a complaint filed against them for striking a child in any way. Laws will likely vary from state-to-state.

Your situation would certainly create doubt in my mind about the quality of care someone that I am paying would provide.

Best wishes,

^^Liss


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