# One Day at a Time *****APRIL******



## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Now Gratefulbambina yours says "We do routines and parlour scenes with footwork impecc-Able" What does it mean, I wonder if MDC is playing a joke


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Hi guys, I know I haven't posted too much. I've had such up and downs Ive just been trying to work through them. I still think part of me is in shock mode since 1/2 the time I feel like I'm in a dream state and "it" didn't really happen. Part of the time I think I may still be pregnant & part of the time maybe I wasn't ever pregnant. I hope that makes sense. When I sit and write to you guys or in my blog I'm thinking about him and then reality comes and smacks me right in the face and I cry missing my baby more than words could ever express.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I don't know I was wondering that too, yours says it too


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

we survived the storms. thank you all for your worry and love!!!

grateful- i TOTALLY know that feeling. even now, when i've convinced myself that i'm pg (in the tww) and then i get af, i STILL avoid things like alcohol or ibuprofen even though i KNOW i don't have a chance any more.

the mind plays horrible tricks on us, doesn't it?

and the whole parlour tricks thing? i was wondering about that LOL


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Apperantly I "We do routines and parlour scenes with footwork impecc-Able" too!! How fun!
I'm so glad it's April, I sincerely hope everyone has some better days this month.

boobs4milk- yes, the mind does play horrible tricks!

gratefulbambina-I too still feel like I am in some state of shock. Like I haven't really accepted it. It kills me when I get a gas bubble and it feels like the baby, since she died around 18wks that's all I got to feel of her.
















to all


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Gratefulbambina* - I went through that period too. I think it is an adjustment because for the first two months you are in total shock and then it starts to become reality. I would switch back in forth from shock 'it didn't happen' to reality 'crap, my baby died' I still do it some but definitely less frequently. I most firmly in reality now. Your words make total sense

*booby jen* - yeah for surviving the storms!

*Elisa* ((HUGS))

*Red Jen* -







: Here's some finger s*x for ya!!


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

hahaha, d's tagline says "that's no ordinary rabbit." maybe you'll kill that stinkin' thing (you know, the old wives tale for finding out if you're pg!)


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Hi all. This is definitely a thread where I belong. Dh and I aren't planning ttc, even though I would desperately want to. He doesn't even know I was pg since I m/c two days before I was going to tell him (on Valentine's day). I almost told him on Valentine's day. He was holding our LO and said, "It's so nice to just be able to enjoy him without having to worry about having another one on the way." That sort of did it right there. I didn't tell him. It's killing me though.

I love the April fool's dddc's. It's nice to have a little levity!

Eliseatthebeach - the gas bubble thing is awful. They do feel like little kicks.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Hi all. I'm new here. I terminated twins on the 14th of March and it's been really rough for me since. I have 3 children, 8, 6 and 2 and was scared, but excited to be pregnant again. Then, when I found out we had twins in one sac and all of the information that came with that, we made the decision to terminate. I really regret that decision and am grieving the loss of those babies. I have a lot of anger towards my inlaws for pushing my dh and me towards this decision. They really drove it home that if we loved our children and our marraige, then we really had no choice. I'm not sure if I want to give in to that anger and keep the inlaws far away from me and my family, or forgive them and believe that they had the best motives.

Everyone always says that I'm so nice. I'm so done with being the nice girl. I have to come to terms with the "new" me who feels so different than who I was just a few weeks ago. I also have to decide if I want to concieve again. We weren't planning on getting pregnant, but now, I feel such an emptiness. I want to have a baby to look forward to and now I can even smell baby hair. Part of me feels selfish for considering having another baby. I mean, what if it's twins again. I'd never terminate again. Shouldn't I be happy with the 3 I have? But, I just feel that I don't want it to end this way. My dh is on board now and this pain has helped us reconnect, oddly enough. I also feel very conflicted that his support came just 3 weeks too late.

Anyway, it's nice to find this thread where I can grieve and talk with other grieving mothers who might understand my crazy feelings and give helpful advice.
Thanks for starting this thread.
Lisa


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Boobsformilk. I'm sorry about your mind playing tricks on you. I also felt sure that they had left a baby in me and for a few days that made me feel so happy. I was so sure of it. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, or the denial stage of grief.

Coloradomom. It must be so hard not to be able to talk with your husband about something that's affecting you so deeply. I can understand why you'd keep it to yourself though.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

As time goes on, I am becoming more and more frustrated with the treatment I received at the hospital. Nobody offered me an ultrasound printout. I would have asked, but I was in shock. I feel guilty b/c my SO never got to see the baby, but I did. No one offered to let me hold my baby. At that point I couldn't ask b/c I was kinda tipsy from the demerol. They gave me pitocin without asking whether or not I wanted it. I asked to stand up, but they insisted on the lithotomy position. I know that if I had stood up baby would have come right out. They knew this,too, that's why previously they wouldn't let me stand or walk to go to the bathroom. The process ended up being much longer and emotionally painful than it should have been. I felt numbed out from all the drugs. It was pretty bad, so bad that I didn't realize how many times they had poked me with needles until the next day. They seemed as though they were in a rush to get me into (costly) surgery. If they had waited 20-30 minutes instead of 5 maybe the placenta would have come out on its own.







I know with my next babe I won't be going to the hospital to give birth. Nope.

Oh yes, and they gave my those statistics on miscarriage as if they made me feel better.

I still feel some resentment towards SO. It seems like this is much less of an issue with him.

I'm scaring myself. Sometimes I'm hungry,and I just don't care. Yesterday, I hardly ate anything. Today I binge. I don't know if I like my body anymore. I feel like it has always betrayed me, and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Thanks, gratefulbambina for starting this thread!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
Hi guys, I know I haven't posted too much. I've had such up and downs Ive just been trying to work through them. I still think part of me is in shock mode since 1/2 the time I feel like I'm in a dream state and "it" didn't really happen. Part of the time I think I may still be pregnant & part of the time maybe I wasn't ever pregnant. I hope that makes sense. When I sit and write to you guys or in my blog I'm thinking about him and then reality comes and smacks me right in the face and I cry missing my baby more than words could ever express.









I just passed the 8-month-mark of my son's death and I am STILL in shock some days. still disbelief and intense sorrow. All you feel are normal. wrting was a great outlet for me.







again.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
we survived the storms. thank you all for your worry and love!!!

grateful- i TOTALLY know that feeling. even now, when i've convinced myself that i'm pg (in the tww) and then i get af, i STILL avoid things like alcohol or ibuprofen even though i KNOW i don't have a chance any more.

the mind plays horrible tricks on us, doesn't it?

and the whole parlour tricks thing? i was wondering about that LOL

yay! glad al is well.







about the roller-coaster you have to go through...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
Hi all. This is definitely a thread where I belong. Dh and I aren't planning ttc, even though I would desperately want to. He doesn't even know I was pg since I m/c two days before I was going to tell him (on Valentine's day). I almost told him on Valentine's day. He was holding our LO and said, "It's so nice to just be able to enjoy him without having to worry about having another one on the way." That sort of did it right there. I didn't tell him. It's killing me though.

I love the April fool's dddc's. It's nice to have a little levity!

Eliseatthebeach - the gas bubble thing is awful. They do feel like little kicks.

















I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard when your partner is not on the same page. Healing thoughts to you....









Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
Hi all. I'm new here. I terminated twins on the 14th of March and it's been really rough for me since. I have 3 children, 8, 6 and 2 and was scared, but excited to be pregnant again. Then, when I found out we had twins in one sac and all of the information that came with that, we made the decision to terminate. I really regret that decision and am grieving the loss of those babies. I have a lot of anger towards my inlaws for pushing my dh and me towards this decision. They really drove it home that if we loved our children and our marraige, then we really had no choice. I'm not sure if I want to give in to that anger and keep the inlaws far away from me and my family, or forgive them and believe that they had the best motives.

Everyone always says that I'm so nice. I'm so done with being the nice girl. I have to come to terms with the "new" me who feels so different than who I was just a few weeks ago. I also have to decide if I want to concieve again. We weren't planning on getting pregnant, but now, I feel such an emptiness. I want to have a baby to look forward to and now I can even smell baby hair. Part of me feels selfish for considering having another baby. I mean, what if it's twins again. I'd never terminate again. Shouldn't I be happy with the 3 I have? But, I just feel that I don't want it to end this way. My dh is on board now and this pain has helped us reconnect, oddly enough. I also feel very conflicted that his support came just 3 weeks too late.

Anyway, it's nice to find this thread where I can grieve and talk with other grieving mothers who might understand my crazy feelings and give helpful advice.
Thanks for starting this thread.
Lisa


Oh, mama.







that was a very hard decision and it must feel awful that you had to be rushed into it! Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself lots of time and space...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
As time goes on, I am becoming more and more frustrated with the treatment I received at the hospital. Nobody offered me an ultrasound printout. I would have asked, but I was in shock. I feel guilty b/c my SO never got to see the baby, but I did. No one offered to let me hold my baby. At that point I couldn't ask b/c I was kinda tipsy from the demerol. They gave me pitocin without asking whether or not I wanted it. I asked to stand up, but they insisted on the lithotomy position. I know that if I had stood up baby would have come right out. They knew this,too, that's why previously they wouldn't let me stand or walk to go to the bathroom. The process ended up being much longer and emotionally painful than it should have been. I felt numbed out from all the drugs. It was pretty bad, so bad that I didn't realize how many times they had poked me with needles until the next day. They seemed as though they were in a rush to get me into (costly) surgery. If they had waited 20-30 minutes instead of 5 maybe the placenta would have come out on its own.







I know with my next babe I won't be going to the hospital to give birth. Nope.

Oh yes, and they gave my those statistics on miscarriage as if they made me feel better.

I still feel some resentment towards SO. It seems like this is much less of an issue with him.

I'm scaring myself. Sometimes I'm hungry,and I just don't care. Yesterday, I hardly ate anything. Today I binge. I don't know if I like my body anymore. I feel like it has always betrayed me, and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.


Some hospitals are just plain awful! I am sorry you received such lousy treatment, bleah!







Maybe you want to write a letter of feedback to them?







I hated my body quite a bit after my loss... it's getting better now but I wish we don't have to go down that route.

Red Jen and D, I am crossing everything for you two!!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamWeaver* 

Some hospitals are just plain awful! I am sorry you received such lousy treatment, bleah!







*Maybe you want to write a letter of feedback to them?*







I hated my body quite a bit after my loss... it's getting better now but I wish we don't have to go down that route.


That's a great idea, I think I will.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Hey mamas. Thanks for this months thread, gratefulbambina.
Had my d&c on Monday and it went well (as well as it could have, I guess...). I was out for the whole thing and now I feel completely fine w/ almost no bleeding. Honestly, much easier than my first 2 natural m/c's. Today I took dd to the park w/ some girlfriends and it did wonders to be out in the sunshine, distracted. The RE's office called too and I somehow got an appt 4/29....way sooner than I thought. So good news....I'm *almost* feeling optimistic.
I'm so sorry for those of you newly joining us.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Gratefulbambina - Thanks for picking up the slack...I was over in TAO when I realized that April 1st meant the beginning of another month for "One Day at a Time" and came over here to start it but was pleasantly surprised that you had taken the initiative to get it going this month.









Lisa - it is nice to see you over here. I was going to invite you over here after reading your story on "We need to talk" over on TAO, but I see you found your way over here anyways.

Well another month and another due date coming for me. A week ago, was the first anniversary of my first loss last year and I have my due date for my third loss last year coming up this month. I have been a mess to say the least.

Question for you ladies - Do you think that most women who have had a m/c grieve? Because it has been suggested to me that only the women who post on this board are affected and therefore is not an accurate guage of most womens' feelings regarding m/c. What do you think?


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
Hey mamas. Thanks for this months thread, gratefulbambina.
Had my d&c on Monday and it went well (as well as it could have, I guess...). I was out for the whole thing and now I feel completely fine w/ almost no bleeding. Honestly, much easier than my first 2 natural m/c's. Today I took dd to the park w/ some girlfriends and it did wonders to be out in the sunshine, distracted. The RE's office called too and I somehow got an appt 4/29....way sooner than I thought. So good news....I'm *almost* feeling optimistic.
I'm so sorry for those of you newly joining us.









I'm glad to hear you are doing ok.







Good news on the quick RE appt. My D&C was so much easier than my natural m/c as well.


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## i0lanthe (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
Question for you ladies - Do you think that most women who have had a m/c grieve? Because it has been suggested to me that only the women who post on this board are affected and therefore is not an accurate guage of most womens' feelings regarding m/c. What do you think?

I just lurk here to see how you all are doing







(I am on the other April thread here) but I disagree with whoever suggested that. It's true that a board like this is going to be a self-selecting population - it will be composed of people who grieve *and* want to post about it - but this just means that we can't say for sure whether people who don't post here (which is of course the vast majority of women on the planet) (a) don't know about the board, (b) don't grieve, or (c) don't feel like posting about grieving. I do think that most people grieve, because why else would there be human-interest articles about "I had a m/c and didn't realize how many people have grieved one in silence until they came out of the woodwork to comfort me" or whatever - instead it would be "I had a m/c and others who had a m/c came out of the woodwork to tell me that I should be _over it_ already" - it's only the people who haven't had one, anecdotally, that think people should get over it faster. Just my opinion.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

jenna-hugs...and healing for you.

colorado mom-hugs and good thoughts for you.

lisa- i'm so sorry it came to that for you. hugs!

d. and jen...holding my breath waiting!!!

honeybunch- big hugs. i hope that things get easier for you and that you can find peace. do you have anyone else to talk to about this? maybe writing the letter will be cathartic!

rosemary- i think all women who lose a baby grieve. even the ones who seem stalwart or uncaring. i honestly believe that the ones who say that they didn't want/need to grieve are grieving by trying to put on a happy face.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I agree that all women grieve over their loss. I just think that people grieve in different ways and possibly at different stages. Clearly some of us want to talk about it and others do not.
I find the more I talk about it with whoever will listen the more I *feel* like I spreading awareness to others that it is OK to talk about it. It seems everyone has a story...


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## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)

Welcome lisa49. I was going to pm you but figured everyone else might be interested in my situation. I come and go on this forum mostly because there are many days where I just don't want to think about the situation I've been thrown into.

Friday is the one year anniversary of the birth/death of our little boy. We too terminated the pregnancy. When I was 20 weeks along we found out that he had numerous heart defects, a severe diaphragmatic hernia (all abdominal organs in chest), and heterotaxy (all organs from left side of body were on right side of the body and vice versa). After several opinions at some of the nations best pediatric hospitals it was determined that our baby would need to have multiple surgeries within the first few months of life all with a less than 1% chance of survival. Every doctor recommended termination. DH and I were raised Catholic. This was a major issue. One side of the family urged us to carry the baby to term and put it in God's hands. The other side (mine) urged us to terminate so that we wouldn't have to go through 4 months of carrying a baby that would surely die during or shortly after birth and so that we could focus on healing and raising our then just two year old ds. Even my husband and I couldn't decide what was right.

I don't know if I will ever be okay with our decision to terminate the pregnancy. I feel unbelievably guilty some days and other days I feel like it was the right decision. During the period we weighed our decision I was a horrible parent to my ds. I cried all the time, didn't want to get out of bed, we didn't celebrate his second birthday. Ultimately we chose to take some control over the situation.

I didn't have a miscarriage. The baby was injected with a medicine to stop his heart. I went through a full long labor. I delivered him. What do you call that?!
I have never spoken those words to anyone. It's the first time I've written them. I am haunted by the fact that we were told we had to do the injection. Hospital policy. I couldn't hurt a fly and I had to do THAT.

We hope to conceive again. If we do I think we will forgo the Level 2 ultrasound which we have had with two of our pregnancies due to a history of heart defect in the family. That way we would not have to face such a decision again.

I understand your anger, sadness, confusion, etc., etc. etc....You have a friend here.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Thanks everyone and Thanks Tommom for sharing your story. I'm so sorry about your son. I also feel like you do now about ultrasounds. If I hadn't known, I would have been blissfully ignorant and not had to make decisions like that. I'm thinking of not having any ultrasounds if we concieve again. We do the best we can for our families with the information that we have, though. I don't know if I'd want to risk not being able to do what's best for the whole family...it's just hard/impossible to know what that is.

Do you also have anger towards those who urged you to terminate?

I had a stillbirth at 27weeks with a full labor. It's just awful and they keep you so drugged up that you can't even remember details. I don't know what I'd call your situation, but I bet it was similar to mine. Did they give you the 20 question "everything you might have done to cause this" questionaire? You don't have to answer that question, but it was one of the hurtful things that stood out for me during the hospital stay. I wonder if other mothers are as offended/hurt as I was about the questionaire.

I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

Rosemary, I think that most women grieve, but don't reach out for help. We've got free counseling here and we're lucky to use it. It does feel strange writing down my story for anyone to read, but the benifits of reaching out for support outweigh it for me. Even not posting, I'd read other's stories, so who knows who's really here reading these stories and being helped by them.

jmo, I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic. I hope the appt. goes well.

Honeybunch, I'm sorry about what happened at the hospital. Also, it's pretty normal to feel angry at partners who didn't carry the baby. I would think that he's grieving, but differently. It might come out in more of a short temper instead of sadness. I hope you write a letter to let them know how you feel about their treatment.

Lisa


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Thanks for all the hugs.

lisa49 - I don't blame you for being angry with your inlaws. I hope you'll be able to find some peace about your decision.

tommom - what a hard situation to have been in. That sounds like an excruciatingly painful decision to have to make. I hope you can also find some peace with it.

honeybunch2k8 - I'm so sorry you were treated so poorly at that hospital. That is outrageous. A complaint letter might at least make you feel like you have something you can do about it. You should NEVER have been treated that way.

mamaterra - I think it's a ridiculous notion to say most people don't grieve their m/cs. With my second m/c, EVERYONE knew I was pregnant. When I m/c, people really did come out of the woodwork to talk to me. People at church that I barely knew came up and gave me hugs and said they'd had a m/c, too. It's the one thing that my mil and I have truly connected on.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
Hey mamas. Thanks for this months thread, gratefulbambina.
Had my d&c on Monday and it went well (as well as it could have, I guess...). I was out for the whole thing and now I feel completely fine w/ almost no bleeding. Honestly, much easier than my first 2 natural m/c's. Today I took dd to the park w/ some girlfriends and it did wonders to be out in the sunshine, distracted. The RE's office called too and I somehow got an appt 4/29....way sooner than I thought. So good news....I'm *almost* feeling optimistic.
I'm so sorry for those of you newly joining us.

















I am so glad it went well and you were able to be out to enjoy the sunshine. The fast appointment is a good sign, I think!!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
Well another month and another due date coming for me. A week ago, was the first anniversary of my first loss last year and I have my due date for my third loss last year coming up this month. I have been a mess to say the least.

Question for you ladies - Do you think that most women who have had a m/c grieve? Because it has been suggested to me that only the women who post on this board are affected and therefore is not an accurate guage of most womens' feelings regarding m/c. What do you think?









I am sorry you are going to have a rough time with a due date coming up.
I do think most women grieve for their m/c. It is such an intimate thing with our body involved, I really can't imagine not feeling anything. of coz there are different people and diff situations, just saying what I think. I also read of a woman who grieve everytime she cannot conceive when she and her dh were using IVI. It is so hard, all the injections and stuff and every month she finds her body did not work with her to give her the baby she wants. It is very intense.

*tommom* thaks for sharing your story and big







s
It was a very hard decision... i am so sorry for what you have to go through.

D,







for the sadness that has to come. I think of it all the time too, what F will be like, what would he have done, etc etc. It kills me and rips my heart apart, so sometimes I try not to think that way. I try to visualize that he is eternal, ageless. Actually, one day, I suddenly had the feeling that i will meet F again this lifetime, but he will be a grown man, is that weird? at one point I came to believe that time is not linear but circular and many dimensions can overlap. am i sounding like I am insane? But at that moment, i really believe one day i am going to meet a young man, look into his eyes, and know it is F.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Sorry - I didn't mean for it to sound like some women don't grieve. I'm sure there are quite a few who don't. Actually, I have a friend who had a m/c and didn't really grieve too much. She was a little sad during the actual m/c, but then afterwards she said she felt like she had "dodged a bullet." I still believe that most women DO grieve though. Years ago we had a La Leche League enrichment meeting about dealing with a m/c. There were a lot of women there. The stories were sad. Everyone's story seemed to have a common thread though. They connected with so many women through this common grief.

Please don't feel like you have to be in the closet for your grief. It seems really common to "chastize" women for their grief over a m/c. I hate that. If some women aren't phased by their m/c - more power to them, but the rest of us grieve and we are _allowed_ to grieve. For crying out loud - we have earned the right to grieve. I have body parts available for kissing if people want to tell me that I shouldn't grieve because it's "just was just a piece of tissue." Honestly, I think that some people are in denial as well. We're all different, and we're all going to have a different reaction to our m/cs and losses. I wish people could just be accepting of that. I'm sorry you felt chastized. That is just not okay.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

rosemary- i think some people do not want to recognize our grief because it is uncomfortable FOR THEM and they do not wish to be uncomfortable. it is sad, but i am finding (with my own family) that it is not uncommon for people to tell those who are greiving to 'get over it'; sometimes not in that exact wording, but we aren't dumb.

for people who want to know what to do for a friend or loved one who is grieving: just listen. keep your well-intention mouth SHUT and just listen. if you don't feel like you can listen any longer, then just don't. but saying things like 'you'll feel better in time' or 'be thankful for what you have' doesn't help us 'get over' our grief for the dead. it only serves to alienate us further from the living.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Hey everyone, I posted some news on the HHT thread. I want to do a follow up on my Norah's visit. For those of you who are grieving and do not want to read about TTC or PG please skip my post.

I wrote these words to you on March 24th:

Norah visited me last night while I was in the shower. She hasn't come like this when I was awake for a long time. I felt her presence, I know her spirit, I was whole again. She filled that empty broken spot in my heart. My eyes were closed and I was washing my hair, suds covered my ears to where my hearing was altered (like putting on headphones) and suddenly I felt her around me. I talked to her in my head. Yes, she answered. It lasted for a few minutes, her presence not just near me but within me. I found myself swaying and rocking as you would do if holding a baby. For the rest of the night, I knew she was close. So, instead of reading myself to sleep, I just laid in bed and felt Norah near, knowing that when I woke up she would be gone. But, it felt nice to be at peace, if only for a little bit. I asked her to tell the angel babies to visit their earth mommies. That we miss them all very much and love them.

Instead her presence never really left me or maybe it is the effects of her visit that never really left...I still feel less broken and more healed than I did before the 23rd. Immediately I knew that Norah's soul had brought a gift to me. This baby is either her soul in a different body or it is another person's soul that she ushered to me. Norah chose this person for me (or maybe it is her, I don't know). Her visit occurred during implanation, just 5 or 6 days after I ovulated, and I've known I've been pregnant ever since. I just waited until 14 dpo to test.

I know this sounds unbelievable but I am truthful. My OB will tell me the EDD is December 11. I'm praying for a sticky baby and one that I can hold while he/she is alive, and one I can wait grow older. I already think it is a boy. Why? I bought 15 lbs of meat last night. I haven't craved meat like that since I was pg with Eli. I will happy either way as long as I can take this baby home and watch he/she grow old.

I know I will be sad along the way but I have such a great group of friends here and other sites whom I know will support me.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Norah's story is so touching and beautiful. I am crying tears of sadness and happiness all at the same time for you.

I have visions of my lost child all the time. In my visions she is about 3 years old. Brown hair cut in a bob, red dress with white polka dots. At first she would just look at me with a lost look that would make me ache. Now she is happy and playing. Maybe it's because I feel more settled having her ashes here at home with us. I have never told anybody, even DH about this...it's my private thing.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

D, that is just BEAUTIFUL, thank you so much for sharing. It is not incredible at all... really depends on what you are used to or what you have been exposed to.
I am keeping my fingers so crossed for you!!!








Yes, there will be sadness along the way, as will be joy... thank you for letting us walk along...

Kayda's mom, I have my private things too. I think your child is commuicating things to you.







so sorry for your loss.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

D, I'm so glad to see your post. When I read your other post from this morning with the BFP pic I immediately thought of the story of Norah visiting you. It's so sweet, like she's trying to make you feel better. I am so moved. Thank you so much for sharing, I know it is very personal.

I am sending you







:







:







:







: for a







that you get to watch grow up with your other dc.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I had been having a pretty nice day today. I went on a playdate with the kids and a friend of mine had given me a pair of pants she had knitted for Francis. I love them and love her for making them. She had made them before he was born. Then at dinner a really good friend called me and told me her daughter miscarried and was asking for advice on words to use around her. I just told her to listen and hold her.

Then tonight after putting my daughter to bed, I started to cry and feel really sad and lonely missing my Francis.

D-Thank you for sharing your news here, my sad tears were pushed aside with happy ones and then the tears stopped and I'm smiling. Sticky vibes sent you mama. I'm also lighting my salt lamp for you tonight. (psst A need for Protein is a sign of having a boy)

tommom- Hugs and thanks for sharing your story. I could tell it was difficult for you. I hope you find Peace


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

D- Your post is beautiful! If getting pregnant would have stuck this month, we would have been due 2 days apart! I am so excited and over the moon for you! I will pray every single day for this special soul! I cannot wait for your birth story in December!

Rosemary- I grieve for all of my lost babies. I know that our baby due in 2006 would be 18 months old, I never decided on a sex but I remember my boys at that age and can imagine what he/she would look like. I think that Avery would have looked like my oldest son, red hair, big dark eyes. I think that our loss in Jan was another boy, I will never know but I feel it in my heart. I miss them all and realize that if one of them had been born, we would have never "met" the other ones souls. I cry, I weep and I wish to see them again someday. I believe that all pregnancies are babies to me. I have wept reading the stories of mamas here. I wish I could hold hands, give hugs, and wipe away tears. I want to create a m/c doula type of program. Someone who can help to grieve with the family and give them guidance.

Hugs to all that need them. Welcome to all the new mamas here. May your stay be as long as you need, and as Sarah McLaughlin says, "may you find comfort here".

Light and Love,
jen


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

big hugs, grateful. i have days like that, ones that start out so lovely and nice and end with me turning into a big pile of mush. sending you some more hugs!

i am still sick...but feeling a bit better. i also read the 'other' thread and wanted to say that i *THINK* that those who haven't btdt just can't comprehend what we are grieving. i would never, ever in a million years or more wish this on anyone, ever. but we here have a kinship that others can not understand. they are, thankfully, ignorant. i guess we have to give them as much understanding and forgiveness as we expect out of them!

have a wonderful day,
jen


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

gratefulbambini. I bet we all have days like this. The sadness sometimes just hits so unexpectedly; like a wave you did not see coming and just pulls you under... ...







I hope your day gets filled with more light.









Red Jen, big (((hugs))) again. I wish I can take away some of that pain.

b4m, glad you are feeling better. and yes, though I wish others could feel my pain better, I do not wish them to understand it ever! I try to take this as a lesson for me to be more compassionate; and you know? I need to start with myself, becoz some days I am so tough on myself first.







and have a wonderful day.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 

Honeybunch, I'm sorry about what happened at the hospital. Also, it's pretty normal to feel angry at partners who didn't carry the baby. I would think that he's grieving, but differently. *It might come out in more of a short temper instead of sadness.* I hope you write a letter to let them know how you feel about their treatment.

Lisa

My OH has had a low sex drive in the last few weeks. It's probably not a coincidence that he has seen me cry more over the past few weeks. That might not be the only reason, but I think it's one. OH is older, and he may be afraid his sperm is no good.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

I had to go to a meeting this morning with my ex-husband and his lawyer and a judge. I left my ex-husband in 2001.
Anyways...the ex keeps filing court motions that never go anywhere. He's usually good for two a year. One of the issues today was summer holiday access for my DD#1. The ex starts going on about how I emailed him to tell him I wanted the end of August because I would be on maternity leave. The ex then goes on to whine about how he tried to accomodate my schedule and now the judge was asking him to change it. I reminded him that I was not going on maternity leave now and then I got snarky and said "my baby died, sorry to be an inconvience to you". His response was "IT'S NOT MY FAULT" while staring me down with hatred in his eyes.
The ex knew of the m/c through DD when it happened and chose that week to file one of his stupid court motions.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT"...even the clerk at the grocery store would have something more humane to say!


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Kayda's Mom - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such insensitivity right now.









namaste_mom - Thanks for sharing your beautiful vision of Norah. I used to "feel" my baby, too. I ache to feel her now. Sending lots of sticky vibes your way.







:

I took three of my four children (one was in school) down to one of our favorite places yesterday morning for tea and gluten-free scones. I got so sad on the way down because it was the way to my midwife's. I thought, "this is what we _should_ be doing, only we _should_ be having a treat after a m/w appointment. *sigh* It's all the stupid little reminders that pop up at unexpected times.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Colorado Mom* - I know, the firsts afterward suck (I wonder if I can say that word). I'm over almost all of them, except for shaving my legs. Alright, I hear a total groan over the computer but I shaved them the day Norah died in anticipation of her uncomplicated delivery, I haven't been able to do it yet. It is getting to be summertime though (at least where I live)...

*Kayda's mom* - he's never going to win with that defense. ((((HUGS)))) Your visions of your daughter sounds beautiful, thank you for sharing

*HBy2k* - (((HUGS))) for you and your DH

*Dreamweaver and Gratefulbambina* - you two are never far from my thoughts

*Jen b4m* - I'm hopeful for you...

*Red Jen* - Sarah McLaughlin was provided comfort to me over the past 4 months. I hope you will stay around here (((HUGS)))

Thanks for all the warm thoughts. I think to myself that I'm just writing to you all and so I just write what comes to me and then later on I remember this is a public forum. ((hugs)) to you all.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

hb2k8 - sorry about th meeting you had to endure. Thinking of you.

D- I'll be here. I love Sarah McLaughlin. And Jane Silberry, and Kate Nash.
LOts of love to you and that sweel soul you're carrying.

I watched the Business of Being Born last night. Loved it more than I can express. It discussed all of my beliefs and I was so blown away by my emotions. I sobbed when I thought about some of it. Please see if or Netflicks it if you can. It is so AMAZING!!!!

LOve to all,
Jen


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Joining you. I just arrived home from the hospital after having a d&c. I thankfully birthed our baby at home and got to see her and honor her life and death in private but unfortunately I ended up bleeding so badly I passed out in the ER lobby. It's as good a place to pass out as any though, ha ha.

I don't want to think or talk about TTC right now. I want to stay in this moment for a while and grieve my lost little soul. I miss her presence so badly. I am both numb and sad. I am choking back tears because I want my family to see how strong I am. I am too proud to grieve openly. But it sits like an ice cold brick in the center of my heart.

My daughter was supposed to have a baby sister. I was supposed to have my third, beautiful wonderful home waterbirth in October. It was not supposed to be like this. Why me? Why? It's not fair. I want to scream. I need a safe place to cry alone for my baby. She was so tiny and perfect. Why couldn't she live? It's not fair.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

DreamsInDigital - No, it's not fair. It's not fair at all. It friggin sucks, and I'm so sorry. I don't know if you remember, but we were in the same DDC. I was so sad to see your post this morning.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

To everyone here.

Quote:

Instead her presence never really left me or maybe it is the effects of her visit that never really left...I still feel less broken and more healed than I did before the 23rd. Immediately I knew that Norah's soul had brought a gift to me. This baby is either her soul in a different body or it is another person's soul that she ushered to me. Norah chose this person for me (or maybe it is her, I don't know). Her visit occurred during implanation, just 5 or 6 days after I ovulated, and I've known I've been pregnant ever since. I just waited until 14 dpo to test.
This is so beautiful and touching, words cannot express...

I would love to see the Business of Being Born, but I'm going to pass. A dear friend invited me to this screening tomorrow, but I don't think I want to expose my heart like that right now.

I don't have netflix, is there any other ways of obtaining the doc. to watch in the privacy of my own home?


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaclyn7* 







To everyone here.
I would love to see the Business of Being Born, but I'm going to pass. A dear friend invited me to this screening tomorrow, but I don't think I want to expose my heart like that right now.

I saw this movie when I was still pregnant and the theatre was *full* of pregnant women, little babies, doulas, and midwives. The movie is great and it shows wonderful happy healthy births.

There is NO way I could go and do the movie all over again after recently being through a loss. Even thinking of being there now makes me feel very anxious. It would be way way too much.

The movie will always be there on DVD for when you are ready.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Dreams your a strong woman even if you cry in front of everyone. I found that I didn't like to cry in front of people sometimes because I would not be able to let it fully out and didn't want to be comforted per say just wanted to cry for him. I still do this, more now actually that I think about it.

The Business of Being Born has been in my queue since it released. When I was pregnant I wanted to see it so bad and life kept getting in the way and I could never make a screening. I'm still dying to see this movie, but I'm not ready to yet. I keep it on the bottom of my queue and will bump it up when ready. I still support Homebirth so much and love to watch the beauty of it.








s to everyone


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

hey mamas, I've been lurking, not posting mainly b/c I have nothing productive to say. Still in a pretty dark place.

D, your story is just so beautiful. I'm so happy for you and will be holding my breath for you and this baby.

Dreams, I'm sorry you're joining us.







I hate to cry in front of ppl too.

It's been 6 days since my d&c and I'm still crampy and bleeding. Does that sound normal? I was fine the first few days after - not even bleeding. I'm thinking it's probably due to lifting dd and my daycare kid.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

jmo- welcome and jump in whenever you feel like it. I remember the feelings after my D&E. Trust me I was really dark!

Dreamsindigital- I wish I could take your pain away and that m/c never happened-ever. I hate it and it does suck-literally. Lots of love to you mama.

You can preorder the film at the businessofbeingborn.com website. You can sign up for Netflicks for 2 weeks and cancel. I downloaded the film and watched in on my computer. It was amazing. It was at a tough time but it made my resolve for a HB even stronger.

D- praying for you.

To all-please take care.

Jen


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I don't know how I'm supposed to just go on with my life. Today has been so incredibly painful. My heart hurts. I have a gaping wound in my soul. Nobody understands. I miss my old life.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

dreams- let it out...trust me, just let it out. i spent the first two weeks just crying and shouting and screaming at the world. i was ANGRY, dammit, and i wanted everyone to know. i felt such a release from my anger after that. i still get sad and i still get down, but letting my anger out somehow made me feel as if i could THEN be sad and start to heal.







s

jenna- i hope you are feeling better, soon! i had a horrible time with pain and cramping after the d&c, but i have endo so it was to be expected. if you are concerned, give your dr a call for reassurance! sending you some light for your dark place.

and i have tried to avoid tbobb and other 'pregnant' movies. before my d&c but after we found out zoe had died, bill went to the movie store and rented some movies so that we could take our minds off of things. he got 3 movies...2 of them had pg ladies in them.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Red Jen - I haven't seen the movie either, just haven't felt like I could...maybe someday I will have enough strength.

Boob Jen - I still see pg people everywhere, can't watch discovery channel or tlc in the morning, not that I am hope at that time but sometimes I just happen to see the beginning of one of those baby shows and can't get to the remote fast enough.

Dreams - we understand (((HUGS)))

Jenna - I think there are large variations in bleeding but I bleed in PP because I refused to stop and sit. I lifted my kids and went walking everyday.

jaclyn7 - thanks, I hope my story can help someone....

Me - OK, just really busy. I'll be out of town for week starting on Wednesday so I won't be posting for awhile....but I will keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I am having a very hard day so far. My head is pounding and I just can't seem to stop crying.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
My OH has had a low sex drive in the last few weeks. It's probably not a coincidence that he has seen me cry more over the past few weeks. That might not be the only reason, but I think it's one. OH is older, and he may be afraid his sperm is no good.











Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kayda's Mom* 
I had to go to a meeting this morning with my ex-husband and his lawyer and a judge. I left my ex-husband in 2001.
Anyways...the ex keeps filing court motions that never go anywhere. He's usually good for two a year. One of the issues today was summer holiday access for my DD#1. The ex starts going on about how I emailed him to tell him I wanted the end of August because I would be on maternity leave. The ex then goes on to whine about how he tried to accomodate my schedule and now the judge was asking him to change it. I reminded him that I was not going on maternity leave now and then I got snarky and said "my baby died, sorry to be an inconvience to you". His response was "IT'S NOT MY FAULT" while staring me down with hatred in his eyes.
The ex knew of the m/c through DD when it happened and chose that week to file one of his stupid court motions.
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT"...even the clerk at the grocery store would have something more humane to say!

Urgh! I am sorry he is so insensitive and has no compassion. Hug and best wishes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
I took three of my four children (one was in school) down to one of our favorite places yesterday morning for tea and gluten-free scones. I got so sad on the way down because it was the way to my midwife's. I thought, "this is what we _should_ be doing, only we _should_ be having a treat after a m/w appointment. *sigh* It's all the stupid little reminders that pop up at unexpected times.

Yeah I get that too. The "should"'s and "could-have-been"'s. sigh*









Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
I watched the Business of Being Born last night. Loved it more than I can express. It discussed all of my beliefs and I was so blown away by my emotions. I sobbed when I thought about some of it. Please see if or Netflicks it if you can. It is so AMAZING!!!!

LOve to all,
Jen

I've heard much about it but don't think I will be able to make through it without crying like crazy. Thinking of you often, Jen.









*Dreams*, I am glad you have a place where you can come to talk and cry. I am so sorry for your loss.







We all grieve differently. i need to be very private. Have you read "Swallowed by a snake"? It helped me understand a lot about the grieving process.

*jmo* I am not sure about the bleeding but hope you feel better soon.









I have been feeling really low and weepy of late. Not sure why. going thr a dark phase, i guess? It's the dark moon... ...


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I am having a very hard day so far. My head is pounding and I just can't seem to stop crying.
























I am sorry today is such a hard day.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I am having a very hard day so far. My head is pounding and I just can't seem to stop crying.

I'm so sorry Mama


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

My milk is coming back in like I'm postpartum. I have serious oversupply going on. I can only assume this is normal, but it's really weird. I'm outgrowing my nursing bras again.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
hey mamas, I've been lurking, not posting mainly b/c I have nothing productive to say. Still in a pretty dark place.

I understand the whole dark place thing....I feel that way myself most of the time as well.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I don't know how I'm supposed to just go on with my life. Today has been so incredibly painful. My heart hurts. I have a gaping wound in my soul. Nobody understands. I miss my old life.

I am so sorry.







IMO, when you lose a baby it wrecks all your plans. You're future will never be the same, neither will your outlook on life. I also grieve for my old life where I was pregnant with my fourth daughter. She would have been the perfect addition at just the right time. It is so very sad on so many levels.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamWeaver* 

I have been feeling really low and weepy of late. Not sure why. going thr a dark phase, i guess? It's the dark moon... ...











Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kayda's Mom* 
I saw this movie when I was still pregnant and the theatre was *full* of pregnant women, little babies, doulas, and midwives. The movie is great and it shows wonderful happy healthy births.

There is NO way I could go and do the movie all over again after recently being through a loss. Even thinking of being there now makes me feel very anxious. It would be way way too much.

The movie will always be there on DVD for when you are ready.

As much as I would love to see this movie, I just know I can't do it now. I was so anxious for it to come on dvd when I was preg though....sigh
Like you said, it will be there when the readiness it.

me- I had my pp appt with my midwife today. The nurse tried to put me in the room I was in when I was there last and saw my lifeless baby on the screen.







I told her that I couldn't go in there and asked to wait for the other exam room. She understood. As it was it took all the strength I had to be there and not cry. I do love my mw, she's kind, but she asked me to "remind her" when the delivery was as she was making a note of it on my chart. Um, why did I have to "remind her" when the delivery was. That was kind of stupid. Maybe I am being over sensitive.








Hopefully, the next time I go there I won't be in such a dark place. It made me sad to _be_ _sad_ about being there. Does that make sense?


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I completely understand mourning your past life. When I was deep in my depression I was so sad because I felt I would never feel true happiness again. It was so horrible to be so sad all the time, it takes so much from you. I still don't know if I'll ever feel completely happy ever again. I don't think its really possible because this was such a huge loss deep within my heart and soul. I do see where I will go on with life and be as happy as I can be. I say this as I'm crying just thinking about the word happiness.

I don't know where I was going now with this, I can relate about wanted your old life back and how horrible it feels never having that back.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I guess the biggest thing about my old life that I will miss is the trust I had in being pregnant. I had this naive idea that pregnancies would always be easy for me and that I would never have to experience a loss. That it was just something that wouldn't happen to me. It sounds horrid to say that, I know it's awful and selfish but now I know that I will never have that same trust ever again. If we ever have another baby I think I will spend the entire time afraid to tell anyone out of fear of having to tell them we lost the baby again.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
My milk is coming back in like I'm postpartum. I have serious oversupply going on. I can only assume this is normal, but it's really weird. I'm outgrowing my nursing bras again.

I'm sorry. Why can't our bodies give us a freaking break?


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I completely understand mourning your past life. When I was deep in my depression I was so sad because I felt I would never feel true happiness again. It was so horrible to be so sad all the time, it takes so much from you. I still don't know if I'll ever feel completely happy ever again. I don't think its really possible because this was such a huge loss deep within my heart and soul. I do see where I will go on with life and be as happy as I can be. I say this as I'm crying just thinking about the word happiness.

YES. This, completely. The fact that you say you can see yourself going on and being as happy as you can gives me hope, though.

I just called around to a few therapists and I talked to this one woman (just a random name from my insurance company's list of preferred providers) and when I told her my "issues" she said pg and infant loss is actually her specialty and fit me in today. Hopefully that's a good sign.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
I'm sorry. Why can't our bodies give us a freaking break?

Oh no, it's totally okay. My nursing 14-month-old is loving it, and I am enjoying the extra special cuddle time I'm getting with her.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

I've been feeling a lot of anger over the past few days... mostly toward my placenta, that for some reason failed me & Owen. In many ways, we're very lucky to know what caused my preterm labor & his death (esp since it's not likely to happen in future pgs). But f*ck, he was so perfect. Why couldn't the placenta just have done it's job?????

Also, 2 women from my DDC have had their babies now @ 26.4 weeks. I know a 26.4 weeks baby is not something you'd wish for, but both of those babies are doing really well. I'm truly happy for the babies & the mamas. But I'm really mad too... why not me? Why couldn't my baby have been just 4 weeks older??? f*ck.

I just want to be pg again soooo badly.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I know I shouldn't torture myself like this but I was reading in my old due date club and there was a thread asking if anyone was feeling movement. I just started crying. I should be there right now, telling everyone Yeah me too! I feel my baby!

But I'm not. My baby is in a box in the ground. I'll never feel her move again.

My heart is breaking.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm totally hogging this thread but I just have so much on my mind right now.

I've always been a big believer in low-tech pregnancies. I've declined doppler for checking heartrate and don't go for early ultrasounds and other testing.

But how am I ever going to be so trusting again? How am I going to just go through the first trimester again with that same belief that everything will be okay when this time it wasn't? How am I not going to become frantic with fear and worry? I just don't know if I can ever TTC again with this hanging over my head. I don't think I'd be able to sleep a wink until my baby was born. I always worry a little during pregnancy and a little worry here and there during baby's first year of life, it's just my way. But how can it not become an all-consuming panic? How can I ever do this again?


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*DinD* - I'm glad your toddler is enjoying the milk, at least something good can come out of your loss. Yes, when you have a loss you also lose your innocence about what can happen during pregnancy; it is OK to post as much as you want, that is what this thread if for.

*Dreamweaver* - a new moon will come soon (((HUGS)))

*Elisa* - that makes sense to me, we are really sensitive about the firsts after our losses...

*Gratefulbambina* - You know that Francis would want you to be happy, it is a long journey to get from a full term loss back to happiness -- some say years -- but I think it is OK to feel happiness. When I wake up to the birds chirping, that makes me happy (of course after a few minutes I remember what happened) but I think slowly you can get windows of happiness.

*Jenna* - I think that is a sign also, did you meet the new therapist
*
JenMidwife -* ahhh, the questions, the what ifs and how comes, I wish I could answer them for you.

*Me* - as I was going to sleep last night and crawled in bed, I rolled over on something soft and squishy and immediately I thought "Oh no, I've rolled over on Norah!" and immediately said "Silly girl, your baby is dead"







turns out it was one of ds's stuffed animals. But it is weird how for just a moment I forgot and thought she was with me in body.

I'm really out of here for a week....I'll catch up when I get back


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

You're not hogging the board DreamsinDigital - that's what it's here for. I still go to our DDC to read. It made me happy to see that you all kept my name on the due date thread because it made it seem like my baby was important, mattered and really was here even for a short while. Sometimes it just feels like torture to go there though, and yet I _still_ do it.

JenMidwife - I'm mad for you. It _should_ have been you, too.

jmo - I'm glad you were able to find someone to fit you in who sounds like she might be able to help. I hope she does.

I'm actually doing okay today. It's kind of weird actually, but I have this peaceful feeling. My pregnancy that I m/c was the result of a broken condom. I was thrilled, but it was still a complete accident. This might be TMI for some, so feel free to skip. I sometimes use sponges on days that are far off from my O date. I know they aren't the most reliable, so I only use them on the days when pg is really unlikely anyway. Well, I used one and it broke in half. Weird, huh? I mean, it's a sponge for crying out loud - they squish not break. I O'd about 24 hours later. I would think that I'd be just praying to be pg, but I don't think I am, and I'm sort of okay with that. I don't know it just feels really weird to me - like a big step or something. The chances that I'd actually be pg are very low (I mean those things are packed full of spermicide), and I just kind of have a weird peaceful feeling about the whole thing. Sorry that I'm just rambling, but I've been processing this for a few days. I almost felt like an outsider looking in at me waiting for me to fall apart, and I'm not. It's just kind of a weird feeling that's all. So, I'm feeling like I'm actually having a good day.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
You're not hogging the board DreamsinDigital - that's what it's here for. I still go to our DDC to read. It made me happy to see that you all kept my name on the due date thread because it made it seem like my baby was important, mattered and really was here even for a short while. Sometimes it just feels like torture to go there though, and yet I _still_ do it.

Of course we kept your name on the due date thread. Your baby was and is important!

But you want to know the awful thing? I had to move myself off the due date list and onto the







list. That was just plain awful and unfair.

I ran an amazing spectrum of emotions so far today. I've been angry and sad and numb and now I'm sort of sad again bordering on angry.

I have made a plan to get healthy and take better care of myself. I'm not saying that the reason I lost my baby was because I didn't take good care of myself but if we do have another baby I want to give it the best possibility I can, so I am going to take liquid chlorophyll, Concentrace for the trace minerals and give up soda permanently, among other things. DH and I had a long talk last night and I always feel so much better when I have a plan and make a list. I'm a little OCD like that.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eliseatthebeach* 
me- I had my pp appt with my midwife today. The nurse tried to put me in the room I was in when I was there last and saw my lifeless baby on the screen.







I told her that I couldn't go in there and asked to wait for the other exam room. She understood. As it was it took all the strength I had to be there and not cry. I do love my mw, she's kind, but she asked me to "remind her" when the delivery was as she was making a note of it on my chart. Um, why did I have to "remind her" when the delivery was. That was kind of stupid. Maybe I am being over sensitive.








Hopefully, the next time I go there I won't be in such a dark place. It made me sad to _be_ _sad_ about being there. Does that make sense?









I am glad the nurse was understanding. Though, I would have felt a bit upset about the "reminder" as well.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I guess the biggest thing about my old life that I will miss is the trust I had in being pregnant. I had this naive idea that pregnancies would always be easy for me and that I would never have to experience a loss. That it was just something that wouldn't happen to me. It sounds horrid to say that, I know it's awful and selfish but now I know that I will never have that same trust ever again. If we ever have another baby I think I will spend the entire time afraid to tell anyone out of fear of having to tell them we lost the baby again.

I feel the same. I realize I was obliviously ignorant before. Now I understand what the full spectrum of Life means. I feel if I am pregnant again I want to go hide in a cave until the baby is oh, I dunno, 10 years old?!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
I just called around to a few therapists and I talked to this one woman (just a random name from my insurance company's list of preferred providers) and when I told her my "issues" she said pg and infant loss is actually her specialty and fit me in today. Hopefully that's a good sign.

I also hope it is a good sign. Good luck and let us know how it goes!!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I've been feeling a lot of anger over the past few days... mostly toward my placenta, that for some reason failed me & Owen. In many ways, we're very lucky to know what caused my preterm labor & his death (esp since it's not likely to happen in future pgs). But f*ck, he was so perfect. Why couldn't the placenta just have done it's job?????

Also, 2 women from my DDC have had their babies now @ 26.4 weeks. I know a 26.4 weeks baby is not something you'd wish for, but both of those babies are doing really well. I'm truly happy for the babies & the mamas. But I'm really mad too... why not me? Why couldn't my baby have been just 4 weeks older??? f*ck.

I just want to be pg again soooo badly.

























Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I'm totally hogging this thread but I just have so much on my mind right now.

I've always been a big believer in low-tech pregnancies. I've declined doppler for checking heartrate and don't go for early ultrasounds and other testing.

But how am I ever going to be so trusting again? How am I going to just go through the first trimester again with that same belief that everything will be okay when this time it wasn't? How am I not going to become frantic with fear and worry? I just don't know if I can ever TTC again with this hanging over my head. I don't think I'd be able to sleep a wink until my baby was born. I always worry a little during pregnancy and a little worry here and there during baby's first year of life, it's just my way. But how can it not become an all-consuming panic? How can I ever do this again?

sigh* I have always wanted nothing but homebirths. I thought I was going to have a beautiful birth at home in water. well.... so much for planing. our next pregnancy will be monitored, monitored, monitored. no water labor even. one woman said she feelsshe needs the doppler attached to her belly the entire pregnancy. I feel that way too. Before I was always talking about how pregnancy and birth is SO natural! You just need to trust your body to do its work.... but look what happened... I had total confidence in my body... ...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Me* - as I was going to sleep last night and crawled in bed, I rolled over on something soft and squishy and immediately I thought "Oh no, I've rolled over on Norah!" and immediately said "Silly girl, your baby is dead"







turns out it was one of ds's stuffed animals. But it is weird how for just a moment I forgot and thought she was with me in body.

I'm really out of here for a week....I'll catch up when I get back









have a good trip D!


----------



## lillifret (Jun 26, 2007)

Not ready to "talk" about mine yet I am too raw, but just wanted to send big







to all and say thanks for this thread.


----------



## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I've always been a big believer in low-tech pregnancies. I've declined doppler for checking heartrate and don't go for early ultrasounds and other testing.
But how am I ever going to be so trusting again? How am I going to just go through the first trimester again with that same belief that everything will be okay when this time it wasn't? How am I not going to become frantic with fear and worry? I just don't know if I can ever TTC again with this hanging over my head. I don't think I'd be able to sleep a wink until my baby was born. I always worry a little during pregnancy and a little worry here and there during baby's first year of life, it's just my way. But how can it not become an all-consuming panic? How can I ever do this again?

I know exactly what you mean. It makes me so sad to think I'll never have that happy, pg feeling w/o the worry. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will have a high-tech first tri atleast if/when we get pg again.

So the therapy session went really well. Turns out this dr has had 2 m/c's and a stillbirth. And then went on to have 2 healthy daughters! She could actually talk about all her losses w/o crying and seems to be happy person.....that just gives me so much hope. Of course, then I took dd to the Library today and more than half of the mamas at toddler storytime are pg....ugh. Just feeling such intense jealousy right now. Why not me? I just want one more....I swear I won't push my luck again.....just give me one more!


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Of course we kept your name on the due date thread. Your baby was and is important!

But you want to know the awful thing? I had to move myself off the due date list and onto the







list. That was just plain awful and unfair.

Thank you. That made me cry.

I'm so sorry you had to do that. It is awful and unfair.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I've discovered something interesting about my emotional rollercoaster. First thing in the morning, I am sad/angry/weepy. I am good for most of the day and then as the sun goes down and the fatigue of the day hits me, I am again sad/angry/weepy. Mornings and nights are HARD.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I've discovered something interesting about my emotional rollercoaster. First thing in the morning, I am sad/angry/weepy. I am good for most of the day and then as the sun goes down and the fatigue of the day hits me, I am again sad/angry/weepy. Mornings and nights are HARD.


I was the same way for a month after my 2nd tri loss. I really feel like you do get "baby blues" after a m/c. I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and post all you want!

Namaste- I am sorry you thought that you had rolled over Norah! Have a great trip!!! Take care.

Dreamweaver - I feel that I will never be "innocent" again regarding pregnancy and birth. I wanted a waterbirth in a birth center. I love homebirth, I totally believe in it, I am not sure if I can do it next time though. I really have to think long and hard about it.







s to you!

Welcome to the new mamas! I am sorry you have to join us but this is a great place to grieve and talk.

Take care,
Jen


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

to all

The witch is coming, and I'm not very happy. The last period I had some kind of flashback. Not fun! I don't want to go through that again.

I've been really sad lately over a baby I never got to hold. A baby who I'll never know for sure was a boy or girl. A baby I never really got to say goodbye to. I never had the opportunity to touch his little toes or hands or to cuddle him.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lillifret* 
Not ready to "talk" about mine yet I am too raw, but just wanted to send big







to all and say thanks for this thread.









to you Mama, we're here when your ready


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamWeaver* 
Before I was always talking about how pregnancy and birth is SO natural! You just need to trust your body to do its work.... but look what happened... I had total confidence in my body... ...

















I understand....I keep saying my whole outlook had changed and I will never look at another pregnancy or birth the same way ever again. I do still think it's the most natural thing we can do, and I also think pregnancy is not a medical condition until it becomes one. I guess I'm holding on to that last drop of faith that my body has been cpapable of producing healthy uncomplicated pregnancies and births and it can do it again....sigh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lillifret* 
Not ready to "talk" about mine yet I am too raw, but just wanted to send big







to all and say thanks for this thread.









There will always be someone here when you're ready

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
I took dd to the Library today and more than half of the mamas at toddler storytime are pg....ugh. Just feeling such intense jealousy right now. Why not me? I just want one more....I swear I won't push my luck again.....just give me one more!









Augh, I hate that too. I try to avoid those situations whan at all possible

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I've discovered something interesting about my emotional rollercoaster. First thing in the morning, I am sad/angry/weepy. I am good for most of the day and then as the sun goes down and the fatigue of the day hits me, I am again sad/angry/weepy. Mornings and nights are HARD.









The grief is so hard at times....I still have insomnia

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 







to all

The witch is coming, and I'm not very happy. The last period I had some kind of flashback. Not fun! I don't want to go through that again.

I've been really sad lately over a baby I never got to hold. A baby who I'll never know for sure was a boy or girl. A baby I never really got to say goodbye to. I never had the opportunity to touch his little toes or hands or to cuddle him.


















I'm so sorry...

me-I had a small anxiety attack yesterday at the gym. I was running on the treadmil (trying to feel good about myself again) and I was fine, in my groove listening to my heartpumping music on my ipod. Then it just hit me, I literally started to choke and I couldn't breathe. I started crying but it was weird b/c I could barely breathe so it wasn't like real crying. I tried to run through it, I didn't want to make a scene. I slowed down a bit and changed the music to something more angry (like Korn or something







) and I was finally able to shake it off. That was pretty scary....nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I was just so consumed with grief at that moment and I don't even know where it came from. I guess that is just something I'll have to expect from now on. Grief does sneak up on you.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Dreamweaver - I feel that I will never be "innocent" again regarding pregnancy and birth. I wanted a waterbirth in a birth center. I love homebirth, I totally believe in it, I am not sure if I can do it next time though. I really have to think long and hard about it.







s to you!

My friend is a big homebirth advocate, but because of her experience (long story - wont' go into it) she is so nervous about it. She says that her ideal birth would be to rent an RV and give birth in the hospital parking lot.

lillifret - we're here when you want to talk.

Eliseatthebeach - That sounds like it was a really freaky experience.









I'm actually having my second in a row peaceful day. Weird. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lillifret* 
Not ready to "talk" about mine yet I am too raw, but just wanted to send big







to all and say thanks for this thread.









sometimes the words take a while to come. We're holding you in our thoughts.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
So the therapy session went really well. Turns out this dr has had 2 m/c's and a stillbirth. And then went on to have 2 healthy daughters! She could actually talk about all her losses w/o crying and seems to be happy person.....that just gives me so much hope. Of course, then I took dd to the Library today and more than half of the mamas at toddler storytime are pg....ugh. Just feeling such intense jealousy right now. Why not me? I just want one more....I swear I won't push my luck again.....just give me one more!

wow.... I am glad the session went well... and to know of her history and her ultimate outcomes, well, it gives some hope!







I sometimes wonder when I can not cry when I have to talk about F...
sorry abt the library... preggos are hard to avoid, and even tho I feel happy for them and secretly wish for a safe & happy outcome for them it reminds me of what happened to us and makes me sad.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I've discovered something interesting about my emotional rollercoaster. First thing in the morning, I am sad/angry/weepy. I am good for most of the day and then as the sun goes down and the fatigue of the day hits me, I am again sad/angry/weepy. Mornings and nights are HARD.

I agree. something about the light and the start and end of it all....









*honeybunch* I am having AF too. it makes me sad and angry, yet I feel appreciative that I am having a normal flow again.... so maybe the next round we have a higher chance of success... sigh*







to you, it is so hard to miss your little baby... ...

*Elise* I always felt grief is a stealthy wave. it comes without you seeing and drags you under... ...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
My friend is a big homebirth advocate, but because of her experience (long story - wont' go into it) she is so nervous about it. She says that her ideal birth would be to rent an RV and give birth in the hospital parking lot.

I'm actually having my second in a row peaceful day. Weird. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.









that idea actually made me laugh! something I will consider I guess!!! I am glad you are having a peaceful day.









For me, I am feeling down and sad. Blah and weepy. I will soon have to deal with a newborn at our homeschool park days. I love that mom, she is a great friend. she read my blog with all the dark, scary things even when she was preggie becoz she wanted to be sure if I needed anything she is there to give me, and wanted to show her support. I did not manage to make myself show up at her Blessingway and feel awful about it. But she had a great waterbirth at home, to a big healthy baby and I am thrilled for her. it is just hard to have empty arms and see other babies....


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I am so sick and tired of feeling horrible! Ugh! As if it wasn't bad enough emotionally, every time I get up I have a pounding headache and when I walk from one room to the other my heart starts beating so hard, like I ran a marathon, and I feel out of breath and dizzy. I almost passed out in the shower last night. I just want to feel normal again!


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Hugs to all you mamas







I am so glad that this thread gives you a forum to express everything you need to. Just a reminder that there is another thread I started about suggestions for health care providers...I will bump it up and those who have suggestions on how they could have been better cared for during their m/cs.

I hope you don't mind...but I still feel the need to be over here. The grief is so all consuming that just because you enter another stage in your life.

I lost it last night on my dh...it was like the grief and anxiety has been there bubbling at the surface building and building and building until I exploded last night over him making a questioning comment about bf my youngest. I just blew and saw red like this was another failure of my body.

I know it doesn't make sense but last night I literally could have killed him. Not pretty.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Mamaterra - After my first miscarriage, I had a very hard time until after my due date, even though I got pregnant very soon afterwards. Just because we're pregnant with another baby that we love and want, doesn't mean we're still grieving another baby that we also love and wanted.









DreamsInDigital - I really hope your body heals quickly. You have enough emotional things to live with. Please be gentle with yourself.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Peaceful feeling and equilibrium are gone.







It's okay though. We all have bad days, right? It was here, and I know it will come back. It's not a terrible day, so that's good.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I am so sick and tired of feeling horrible! Ugh! As if it wasn't bad enough emotionally, every time I get up I have a pounding headache and when I walk from one room to the other my heart starts beating so hard, like I ran a marathon, and I feel out of breath and dizzy. I almost passed out in the shower last night. I just want to feel normal again!

It sounds like you might be seriously anemic. When was the last time you had your hemaglobin checked? Are you taking any kind of iron supplements? I took a prescription called Repliva once my hemaglobin reached 9.1 (from 9 weeks of bleeding, sometimes hemmorhaging during my pg that I lost) & I was having all of the symptoms you described. Repliva has been very effective.

I hope you're feeling better soon, physically anyway


----------



## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
It sounds like you might be seriously anemic. When was the last time you had your hemaglobin checked? Are you taking any kind of iron supplements? I took a prescription called Repliva once my hemaglobin reached 9.1 (from 9 weeks of bleeding, sometimes hemmorhaging during my pg that I lost) & I was having all of the symptoms you described. Repliva has been very effective.

I hope you're feeling better soon, physically anyway









I had my h&h checked just before I was discharged from the hospital (I had a d&c after severe hemmorhaging following my miscarriage) and I was 24 and 9.3 so yes, I am seriously anemic. I am taking Vitanica iron and just trying to take it one day at a time.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

why is my body broken? what the hell is wrong with me? most people can make a baby, why is is so hard for me?

i want my baby back, dammit. i want to have happiness and joy and leave behind the tears and anger. i want my life back, dammit. i want to have sex when the mood hits and stop over analyzing every single breath i take. i want my joy back, and my sanity, and my sunshiny days. i want me back, dammit.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I am so sick and tired of feeling horrible! Ugh! As if it wasn't bad enough emotionally, every time I get up I have a pounding headache and when I walk from one room to the other my heart starts beating so hard, like I ran a marathon, and I feel out of breath and dizzy. I almost passed out in the shower last night. I just want to feel normal again!









I am glad you are taking something for your anemia. it is hard at this time to think to take good care of oneself, but it is also what we need to do. it is hard, very hard.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama* 
Peaceful feeling and equilibrium are gone.







It's okay though. We all have bad days, right? It was here, and I know it will come back. It's not a terrible day, so that's good.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.

yes, good days, bad days, roller-coaster days.... but I am glad there was some peace. we need a break sometimes!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
why is my body broken? what the hell is wrong with me? most people can make a baby, why is is so hard for me?

i want my baby back, dammit. i want to have happiness and joy and leave behind the tears and anger. i want my life back, dammit. i want to have sex when the mood hits and stop over analyzing every single breath i take. i want my joy back, and my sanity, and my sunshiny days. i want me back, dammit.
























I have no words, just comfort and hopes of healing.
I also wish I can go back to blissfully ignorant and just innocent and full of hope.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

booby jen,







, mama. I'm so sorry. I know what you mean. I want happiness so bad too....enough of the crying/depression/anger crap.
















The weather has finally gotten nice around here....so you'd think that would make me happy, right? Well, it sorta does, but then I just start thinking about how I was pg last summer and how so completely happy I was then. This was before any m/c's and I had no idea bad things could happen so we were already talking names and planning for the birth.








:


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
why is my body broken? what the hell is wrong with me? most people can make a baby, why is is so hard for me?

*i want my baby back, dammit*. .











Me,too. I hope my baby comes back to me one day. There is plenty of love waiting for him. Some women here felt like the same soul came back to them. I hope for that as well.

I started a new job, and everyone is pregnant. My manager is pregnant. Several coworkers are pregnant. I'm tired of not being pregnant. I always want to join in conversations about babies and birth and pregnancy, but I know what responses I would elicit.

_When is your baby due?
How old is you baby?
When was your baby born?
Are you pregnant now?
Where did you deliver?_

I just don't want to deal with it.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
The weather has finally gotten nice around here....so you'd think that would make me happy, right? Well, it sorta does, but then I just start thinking about how I was pg last summer and how so completely happy I was then. This was before any m/c's and I had no idea bad things could happen so we were already talking names and planning for the birth.







:























mama..... after our losses, nothing beautiful or good can erase the pain.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I started a new job, and everyone is pregnant. My manager is pregnant. Several coworkers are pregnant. I'm tired of not being pregnant. I always want to join in conversations about babies and birth and pregnancy, but I know what responses I would elicit.

_When is your baby due?
How old is you baby?
When was your baby born?
Are you pregnant now?
Where did you deliver?_

I just don't want to deal with it.

















it is hard to be in an environment like this. I feel like I will always be a conversation killer if I mention my stillbirth. it sucks.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
why is my body broken? what the hell is wrong with me? most people can make a baby, why is is so hard for me?

i want my baby back, dammit. i want to have happiness and joy and leave behind the tears and anger. i want my life back, dammit. i want to have sex when the mood hits and stop over analyzing every single breath i take. i want my joy back, and my sanity, and my sunshiny days. i want me back, dammit.


Jen, I am right there with you sister! I totally agree. My DH asked me if I was Oing (since he was really in the mood the other day). I told him honestly, I do not know, and I do not even want to check. Why can't it be easy like it used to be? Talk about TTC, have sex, make a baby, carry him/her for 9 mos, deliver and have a nice life! I love my kids more than my own life and just want some more! I had a lady last week at my son's Drs appt talk about how she was so ungrateful to be preg with twins-twins?!? I would adore it, treasure it and be ultra excited! It ticks me off that other mamas aren't just over the moon when they get pg. Maybe it is just so easy for them? I don't get it and I guess I just have to accpet it? I am sorry if I come across bitter but sometimes it is like that.

Take care mamas and have a great night!

Jen


----------



## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
I had a lady last week at my son's Drs appt talk about how she was so ungrateful to be preg with twins-twins?!? I would adore it, treasure it and be ultra excited! It ticks me off that other mamas aren't just over the moon when they get pg. Maybe it is just so easy for them? I don't get it and I guess I just have to accpet it? I am sorry if I come across bitter but sometimes it is like that.

I know the feeling. It's really hard to allow people their feelings sometimes.

honeybunch2k8 -


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## OwensMa (Apr 15, 2004)

Reading everyone's words has helped anchor some of my feelings. Sometimes, they're a tornado, out of control. Other times, I'm numb. Blank. Empty. I don't know which is worse.

I want to go back. I want my baby.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Eliseatthebeach;10962063
me-I had a small anxiety attack yesterday at the gym. I was running on the treadmil (trying to feel good about myself again) and I was fine said:


> http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif[/IMG]) and I was finally able to shake it off. That was pretty scary....nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I was just so consumed with grief at that moment and I don't even know where it came from. I guess that is just something I'll have to expect from now on. Grief does sneak up on you.


yes grief does sneak up on you and punches you in the gut when you aren't looking. I have had it happen to me too...
once at the grocery store that also sells clothes etc. had a meltdown in the baby section. Last week it was Michaels when I saw pregnancy and baby scrapbooking stuff. I couldn't breathe.
You think you are safe going to such places and then *wham*.

*hugs* to you and all the mamas on this thread. Thank you all for sharing your feelings and experiences. It really has helped me cope.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
why is my body broken? what the hell is wrong with me? most people can make a baby, why is is so hard for me?

i want my baby back, dammit. i want to have happiness and joy and leave behind the tears and anger. i want my life back, dammit. i want to have sex when the mood hits and stop over analyzing every single breath i take. i want my joy back, and my sanity, and my sunshiny days. i want me back, dammit.

It's so hard and sad to lose that faith and connection with your body.
I am sending you healing thoughts.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
Some women here felt like the same soul came back to them. I hope for that as well.

I used to think this too, now I think it's more situational.
How nice it must be for the women who believe their sweet baby came back to them. Hopefully it is comforting and healing.

Quote:

I started a new job, and everyone is pregnant. My manager is pregnant. Several coworkers are pregnant. I'm tired of not being pregnant. I always want to join in conversations about babies and birth and pregnancy, but I know what responses I would elicit.

_When is your baby due?
How old is you baby?
When was your baby born?
Are you pregnant now?
Where did you deliver?_

I just don't want to deal with it.
Augh, that must be so hard! You said that you do want to join in these converstaions, but maybe avoiding them for a while will make your transition to this new job a little easier. I'm sure it's hard enough to see all those pg women and hear them talking.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *OwensMa* 
Reading everyone's words has helped anchor some of my feelings. Sometimes, they're a tornado, out of control. Other times, I'm numb. Blank. Empty. I don't know which is worse.

I want to go back. I want my baby.


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## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)

I'm back. I just needed a break. To make up for last year we threw ds a blowout bday party in NY at my MIL's house last weekend. It was a glorious sunshiny day. He had never had a bday party so this was cool. So many family and friends. It felt good to be celebrating for a change.

Quote:

I feel like I will always be a conversation killer if I mention my stillbirth. it sucks.
People ask me all of the time if ds is an only child. I just say yes which is painful. Do they have all day? Do they really want to know the truth?


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I have something I want to throw around with you guys. My MIL has always used the phrase "my kids" when talking about my kids to me. It has always aggravated me, but what can I do. Well the other day we were talking and shes talking about how down she is about Francis. I really don't know what to say to this because you can't possibly feel what I'm feeling. Then shes going on telling me about how shes increasing her anti depressants and she uses the statement "Im so upset about losing my Francis" to me. I was so thrown back and now I'm full of rage of it.

What do you think?


----------



## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tommom* 









*People ask me all of the time if ds is an only child. I just say yes which is* painful. Do they have all day? Do they really want to know the truth?

OH said we didn't have any kids. That hurt me. That statement just proves how different our views are.

Yesterday, I told OH that I wanted to kick one of the pregnant women at my job in the stomach. I didn't mean it. Everything that has happened to me has made me mean.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Gratefulbambina* - I have had boundary issues with my MIL. I had to make it very clear to her that this is my family and although DH is her son, my family will be run as I want it to be. I had to also make it very clear that she has absolute know say in our decisions, in knowing anything about our personal life, and that if she alienates me, she won't get to see her grandkids. I know that sounds kind of harsh but she is a drama queen, an energy thief, and a poor me. I need to set boundaries for my own sanity. I would be really angry if she refered to my kids as her kids. It sounds as though she is playing the 'poor me' role trying to attention and energy from other people (including you) Sorry you have to deal with her on top of everything else.

*tomtom* - I tell people I have 3 kids unless I am likely to have an extended relationship with them and then I will say two. I do have three kids. If people are just making idle conversation on the subway or a conference then I tell them 3 because I know they are not going to ask too many questions.

*Kayda Mom and Elise* - I always have trouble at consignment sales and drag myself down the wormhole of how big Norah should be and how I should be buying clothes for her.

*OwensMa -* oh, how I would love to turn back time for you and for me

*Red Jen* - I agree that that lady should be grateful to be having twins

*Dreamweaver -* I don't mention Norah hardly at all in public, I still can't trust myself not to break out into a sobbing mess. I hope you have enough strength to be able to see the newborn.

*HB2k8* - Congrats on the new job. Sorry that you have to deal with all the baby talk.

*Jenna* - I'm so sorry, I hate going down that path of thinking about what should have been.

*Booby Jen* - (((HUGS))) I wish I could give it back to you.

*DinD and JenMidwife* - do you know what the scale is as far as being anemic? Can this be a problem to the developing child?

*Rosemary* ((HUGS))

*ColoradoMama* - I'm hoping your peace and equilibrium return.

*Me* - back from my trip, it was OK. I'm really upset now because one of my students told me her dad died while I was gone. I feel so much sorrow for her. My dad died while I was in college too. I know exactly what she is going through. Losing Norah has made me very compassionate and sympathic. I thought I was before but know when someone tells me something horrible...I really feel for them because I know those feelings well....


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I have something I want to throw around with you guys. My MIL has always used the phrase "my kids" when talking about my kids to me. It has always aggravated me, but what can I do. Well the other day we were talking and shes talking about how down she is about Francis. I really don't know what to say to this because you can't possibly feel what I'm feeling. Then shes going on telling me about how shes increasing her anti depressants and she uses the statement "Im so upset about losing my Francis" to me. I was so thrown back and now I'm full of rage of it.

What do you think?

Well, honestly, I guess that depends on the situation with your MIL. My mom calls my kids her babies or her kids. She'll ask, "How are my babies doing today?" I love it honestly.







To me, it just means that she loves them so much, and I'm glad they have another person in their life that loves them that much. That's why she says it, too, because they mean that much to her. So, I guess how to handle it would kind of depend on where she's coming from. It obviously bothers you a lot, so it seems like you might feel better if you address it. Do you think she's trying to be over controlling? Do you think she feels like my mom does and maybe just doesn't realize how much it bothers you? Do you think it's just a weird quirk? If you think it's done out of innocence, maybe you could approach it gently. If she truly cares about you and your feelings, and you let her know that you're hurting, and you'd just appreciate if she'd stop referring to them as "her kids," she should get the hint. If she's just an over controlling mad woman who wants her hands in every part of your life - you might have to be firmer. I'm sorry she's getting to you.







Good luck with the situation.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*ColoradoMama* - I'm hoping your peace and equilibrium return.

Thanks. Me, too. I'm feeling okay right now.

I'm glad you're back from your trip safely. You know, a horrible tragedy seems to affect people in different ways - it can make us compassionate or bitter and cynical. Although, sometimes it does all of that at different times! I hope your student can feel your genuine compassion and empathy for her, and that it helps her.


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

I'm trying to even _start_ the process of healing one day at a time. Things today are a little easier than yesterday and things yesterday were a little easier than the day before, but I still have swaths of time where I'm okay interspersed with bouts of sobbing. And then I feel guilty for having time at all where I feel okay, as though I'm not grieving enough, as though I'm not hurting as badly as I really am.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*DinD and JenMidwife* - do you know what the scale is as far as being anemic? Can this be a problem to the developing child?

Anemia is classified as a hematocrit of less than 12.

Quote:

Possible problems for the fetus include increased risk of growth retardation, prematurity, intrauterine death, rupture of the amnion and infection.
So, unless we get pregnant totally by accident, we are TTA until my hematocrit is above 12.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I have something I want to throw around with you guys. My MIL has always used the phrase "my kids" when talking about my kids to me. It has always aggravated me, but what can I do. Well the other day we were talking and shes talking about how down she is about Francis. I really don't know what to say to this because you can't possibly feel what I'm feeling. Then shes going on telling me about how shes increasing her anti depressants and she uses the statement "Im so upset about losing my Francis" to me. I was so thrown back and now I'm full of rage of it.
What do you think?

I would be angry too. It seems like she's making it all about her when, really, it has nothing to do w/ her. Sure, she can be sad, but it's your loss, your baby. You do not need to worry about her or her grieving process when you're got your own to deal with. I'm so sorry, mama, she's really being insensitive.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

I had a great morning, but then did some shopping this afternoon & had a couple of really frustrating things happen... ever since then I've been feeling really sad & angry about my loss & short tempered w/ my daughter. My patience/ threshold for frustration is much lower than it used to be. It feels like every day frustrations shouldn't happen to someone who's lost a baby, yk?







:


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Thanks guys for supporting me on that, I know I have boundaries issues with my MIL. A good friend of mine today said that it sounds like she crosses those boundaries and I have a problem stopping them. Shes right & I get so upset, lose it on my dh and he feels like hes in the middle of us most of the time. She wants to come down monthly to visit too, but thats a whole different issue.

Jen special







for you. I have days like that too (Monday being one of them) where I'm snappy and nothing goes right. I hope you can have a cup of tea tonight and have some time for you.








to all today Francis would have been 3 months. I miss you baby.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
today Francis would have been 3 months. I miss you baby.









Francis







We wish you were here w/ your mama


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 







Francis







We wish you were here w/ your mama

















: Hugs to you today, too Jen.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

gratefulbambina -







Francis








I am sorry that Francis is not with you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers tonight.

I am sorry that your MIL is making this more about her grief than your own. Please take care.

JenM/W - I hope you have a good night.







s








s to all who need them.

Jen


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

I'm still at home, in my pyjamas, crying. It's been a week since the spotting started. I'm surrounded by plants.

I feel like it's going to hurt less next week, but I'm so sad right now.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Gratefulbambina* - I'm so sorry that you are without Francis, it hurts my heart and wish all mom's could be spared losing their babies. (((HUGS)))

*DinD* - that is interesting about your hematocrit number. Mine hovered around 12 and lower for Norah's pregnancy. My OB said it was nothing to worry about but the NP always gave me a good scolding. I took extra iron during the day which of course made BMs fun







:

*JenMidwife* - yes, my patience has been much lower. DH has been really good about picking up where I throw up my hands in frustration.

*starkyld* - (((HUGS)))

*Booby Jen, Red Jen and Dreamweaver* - I'm holding you all in my thoughts

*Me* - yesterday was a horrible horrible day where I had to endure my yearly review from my department chair. I cried for 3 hours after it but not during it (thankfully). It ripped my wound open again and made Norah's death so fresh for me. Of course I was super unproductive thank you for rubbing that in my face, that felt so good


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

To everyone. I cannot keep up, I'm sorry.
Gratefulbambina - I am so sorry that your MIL is making this about her.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Francis









hugs to you, gratefulbambini









starkyld,







I am so sorry.

D, ((hugs)) that sucks.







people just don't realize how a child's death totally consumes us, and how freakin' long it takes to even try to be "normal"... I am sorry you had to endure that. Thinking of you often and sending good thoughts.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Feeling better today. Wishing you all peace.


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

Hello, I'm just jumping in here, I have spoken to a few of you through our blogs...

grateful bambina - Im sorry your MIL is making it all about her. There is no pain like losing a child, I do understand that she is hurting, but he is _your_ francis.









D - thinking of you on Norahs 5 month anniversary. A gift from your friend

JenMidwife - I have a very short fuse at the moment too. I feel guilty because i DO have a living son, and I feel like losing Caden should have made me a more attentive, loving mother to Rory, but I get so frustrated with him sometimes
















:


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Thinking of you, D.
*kim&brooke*, that was a beautiful gift. it made me cry, thinking of all our babies.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Brooke* - thank you so much, Norah is beautiful!!

*Dreamweaver* - thanks, your thoughts mean alot to me


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Is it possible to have AF two weeks after D&C? My midwife said I should expect AF to return in 4-6 weeks but I am crampy and bleeding lightly for the last couple of days and I'm 2 weeks post D&C.







I bled for 5 days afterwards and then had 5 days with no bleeding before this.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

gratefulbambina-I'm so sorry your mil is being so self absorbed. Have you told her how much that bothers you?
I so wish Francis was here with you....









starkyld-it will always hurt....









jaclyn7-sounds like you have alot going on







: for a good year for you

namaste_mom-Norah is so beautiful....I'm sorry you had such a bad day.

JenMidwife-glad you are feeling better









Kim&Brooke-that was so thoughtful of you

DreamsInDigital-I had quite a bit of irregular spotting after my loss. Every time it stopped I thought that was it then it would start again. Once I even thought it could have been AF, I even marked it on the calendar. Then when AF really showed a couple weeks later I realized that what I had before was just more spotting. My first pp AF was 6 weeks after my loss.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I had a great morning, but then did some shopping this afternoon & had a couple of really frustrating things happen... ever since then I've been feeling really sad & angry about my loss & short tempered w/ my daughter. My patience/ threshold for frustration is much lower than it used to be. It feels like every day frustrations shouldn't happen to someone who's lost a baby, yk?







:

I have been incredibly short-tempered w/ my dd too. It makes me feel so guilty. I seem to have lost a lot of patience in the last few months.

D, so sorry about the work review. It's just amazing how insensitive ppl can be. Did they really expect you to just be the same after you lost a child? How are you feeling?

Lydia, I think the bleeding is likely leftover from the m/c. I had weird on and off bleeding too. 2 wks seems just too soon for af.

I had my follow up w/ the OB this week and the chromosomal analysis from the baby came back normal. It's what I knew in my heart was true (basically, that there's something wrong w/ me), but I was just so hoping it wasn't the case. It would have been so nice to hear that it was just really bad luck and we could ttc again. But now, obviously something is very wrong and no one knows what it is. If I got pg again we would almost definitely lose that one too. My OB ordered another round of blood tests to check for immune issues and blood clotting disorders, but these all came back fine last time. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. The horrible reality is that I may not be able to have another child unless someone can figure out what the hell is wrong w/ me and fix it.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

jmo.
I really hope you can find some answers.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

JMO - What about progesterone level testing? I am like you, have had testing that is all normal but the last thing we are looking at is progesterone level and a possible LPD. I wouldn't think I have a LPD (usually 12-14 days) but one never knows.

Lots of love and hugs to you my friend. I hope that you can find the answers you need soon.

Dreamweaver-thinking of you and hoping you have a wonderful weekend!

D- Hope that this weekend is a good one for you. Please take care and







s to you too!

Jen (B4M) Thinking of you too!








to all who need one here. Have a great day ladies!

Jen


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

I think that I'm hormonally crashing out. I've been grief-stricken and sad since getting the news just over a week ago that my podling had stopped developing, but for the past few days there's been a different timbre to the sadness. I'm crying very easily without triggers, often in the middle of an otherwise constructive conversation. It's hard for me to know that this is upsetting my husband too and that I can't reel it in.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Is it possible to have AF two weeks after D&C? My midwife said I should expect AF to return in 4-6 weeks but I am crampy and bleeding lightly for the last couple of days and I'm 2 weeks post D&C.







I bled for 5 days afterwards and then had 5 days with no bleeding before this.

Yes, it's possible. I had my period at 2 weeks after my abortion. You may still be experiencing the release of the lining, but it might be a period. What helped me to know was to start a chart on fertilityfriends.com. My temps were high during the initial bleeding, but they dropped on the day I started my real period.

Lisa


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I wish I'd been temping recently but I've been waiting for the damn bleeding to stop! I guess it doesn't really matter if it is AF or not, right?


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am just so sad today ladies! I saw a pic of an old friend who is very pregnant and lost it. I never thought something would bother me like that. I just want to be pregnant again and it is literally killing me.

I have been making better choices with food and working out, trying to get healthier for when we ttc again. I am just so weepy and hormonal at the moment (maybe it is early PMS!!)

Take care ladies and a big







!

take care!
Jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Hi Ladies
I'm going to off of MDC for the next week or two. My mom just died, suddenly and I have to go there. I'm not ready to do it again. THis is too soon. We are still aching from Norah. I just wanted to stop in real quick so no one worries, if anyone asks on the other threads let them know. Please give a prayer and positive intentions for me and my family as we try to come to terms with her death.
D.


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## Lyne-M (Feb 12, 2008)

I miss my Leanne soooo much. I thought time would make it easier but ..... She had the greatest kicks. I was on cloud 9 when I had her inside my tum. I MISS YOU MY BABY.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Jen







Yesterday was a really sad day for me too.

D







I'll be praying for you guys today & for the weeks ahead, I'm sorry that you are feeling a loss so soon again. Have a safe trip and lean on your family as much as you need to.

Lyn


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

starkyld- you probably are still very hormonal. I would also cry at some pretty random times. I would be fine one minute then a basket case the next. It's still that way sometimes. I don't think you should feel the need to reel it in, just let the grief be. It's always going to be there, it is now a part of your life.

redjen-







seeing the pg friends is difficult
I think it's great that you're taking the steps to get yourself healthier, so many women can't do that when they haven't suffered the losses you have. It's hard to do, but I think it helps refocus some negative energy. I wish you continued healing and motivation.









D- I am so so sorry about your mom.







How much can a person take? I will be thinking of you and your family....

Lyne-M- I don't think it ever gets easier, time certainly doesn't help. I am so sorry Leanne isn't here with you.









me- my dh accused me of "hum-drumming" my way through life these days. I have to agree. We started a downward spiral about six weeks before we lost Casey and it seemed to be one thing after another. I kept saying "what else can go wrong??", now I know what else can go wrong and I no longer say that! The good news is nothing really devastating has happened since and it has sort of leveled out, but we do keep getting these little setbacks. Dh says that's just life, and he's probably right. We are actively looking to buy a house (our first) and are about to make an offer on one. I'm happy, I'm just not doing cartwheels since I'm not so optimistic that things will go our way. I suppose I am protecting myself or something. Is this a bad attitude to have? I'm not negative, just "hum-drum".


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Mamas - lots of







s to all of you. It sounds like we are all needing them these days.

D - Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you light and love. Hold fast to your family. Noone should have to endure waht you have my friend.

Lots of love!

Take care !
Jen


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

*D*, I am so terribly sorry.







Big hugs to you!! I wish there is something that I can do... ... I will be holding you and your family in my heart and in my thoughts.








to everyone. I have just been down, and bad internet connection, so may not be too active here, but I am thinking of you all!!


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

D - still thinking of you constantly in this awful time







:

Elise - oh I am most definitely hum-drumming it through the days. Im just ambivalent at best. Nothing makes me overly happy or excited at all.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

*starkyld* hugs to you!







I am sorry it is so hard... .... for me 9 months out I am still crying... I have no words, just light and healing for you...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
I am just so sad today ladies! I saw a pic of an old friend who is very pregnant and lost it. I never thought something would bother me like that. I just want to be pregnant again and it is literally killing me.

I have been making better choices with food and working out, trying to get healthier for when we ttc again. I am just so weepy and hormonal at the moment (maybe it is early PMS!!)

Take care ladies and a big







!

take care!
Jen

urgh, I know what you mean... ... a fren just told me she's due in June and here I am, empty, and still in pain, I am happy for her... it's just news like that always makes me feel sad for myself.








I'm glad you are taking good care of yourself! At some point we have to... and it will be worth it.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lyne-M* 
I miss my Leanne soooo much. I thought time would make it easier but ..... She had the greatest kicks. I was on cloud 9 when I had her inside my tum. I MISS YOU MY BABY.

























*Elise & Brooke*







s too!! it's frustrating how society does not allow us the time and space to grieve!

*D*, thinking of you and you family.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Today I should be 27 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow would be the first day of my 3rd trimester. But today is one month since he died. I just want him back.







:


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
Today I should be 27 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow would be the first day of my 3rd trimester. But today is one month since he died. I just want him back.







:









It is so hard....








for your sweet baby Owen


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
JMO - What about progesterone level testing? I am like you, have had testing that is all normal but the last thing we are looking at is progesterone level and a possible LPD. I wouldn't think I have a LPD (usually 12-14 days) but one never knows.

I had 3 prog tests while pg and they were all in the normal range, and climbing. My OB wants me to try clomid when(if?) we ttc again to treat possible lpd. My lp is 11-13 days, so definitely on the shorter side.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Hi Ladies
I'm going to off of MDC for the next week or two. My mom just died, suddenly and I have to go there. I'm not ready to do it again. THis is too soon. We are still aching from Norah. I just wanted to stop in real quick so no one worries, if anyone asks on the other threads let them know. Please give a prayer and positive intentions for me and my family as we try to come to terms with her death.
D.

Oh, D, I'm so so so sorry, mama. It really is just more than one person should have to take. My thoughts are w/ you and your family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
I am just so sad today ladies! I saw a pic of an old friend who is very pregnant and lost it. I never thought something would bother me like that. I just want to be pregnant again and it is literally killing me.

I know exactly what you mean, jen. I hate how I can not even go to the toddler storytime at the library b/c there are several pg mamas there. It is unbeleivable how much this continues to hurt.

I started working out again this week. It's only been 2 days, but I'm really hoping I can keep up the motivation. If I'm going to feel bad maybe at least I can look good, right? (and of course be healthier







)


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
Today I should be 27 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow would be the first day of my 3rd trimester. But today is one month since he died. I just want him back.







:
































My heart is with you.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

to all.

I'm so tired of not being pregnant. I don't know if I can make it to July.









My mom found some of my baby and pregnancy books,and of course, she gave me a lecture. She told me that I better not be planning to have a baby until after college. My goal in life does not require that I have a degree, by the way. She thinks she knows everything. It is normal for those who have experienced loss to want to be pregnant again right away. Sometimes she needs to just STFU and stop acting like she is a know everything goddess. She needs to learn some sensitivity. I didn't ask for her opinion and nor do I care.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Not having a good day.


----------



## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

DID







i'm having a bad day too. Hugs to you
JenMidwife







big hugs to you. its so damn unfair.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

to all

The bad days are bad aren't they.....this sucks!


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Thinking of you all today







:

Thanks for your support yesterday. I'm feeling okay today.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

, *DID* and *honeybunch*....

Hopefully awful days will disappear soon


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I feel really selfish for feeling this way.

I just got an e-mail from my former midwife. Regarding a recent loss in her practice. A mother gave birth to a baby with bad heart tones at the end of labor, who needed CPR, transport to the hospital, etc. and after a few hours it was determined the baby was brain dead and they removed life support and the baby passed away. Please don't think me a heartless person, because A) I warned you I was being selfish and B) I am absolutely heartbroken for this poor family and do not want AT ALL to belittle their experience. Ready? Here comes the selfish part.

Why did I get an e-mail about this and one wasn't sent out about MY loss? Because my baby wasn't born semi-alive? Because I wasn't fullterm and therefore not a "noteworthy" loss"? Because miscarriage is so much more common than stillbirths or death of a just born baby? I'm angry and hurt and GOD I just feel so completely forgotten and overlooked. She didn't even CALL ME after I got home from the hospital and I called her 4 times and left messages every time and she sends out a mass e-mail for this loss but not for mine? It's like a dagger in my heart. My baby doesn't matter enough.

She mattered to me. I miss her so much and nobody else even cares. She hasn't even called me once to see how I am and it's been over two weeks. I got more support from a midwife who hasn't even been my midwife for over two years because I had to go looking elsewhere when I was pretty much forgotten and abandoned by the person who was supposed to be my midwife for that baby. This hurts beyond words. Why does a miscarriage matter so much less than the loss of a fullterm baby? I had the same hopes and dreams and love for my baby that they did.

I'm just crushed, beyond words.


----------



## erin_brycesmom (Nov 5, 2005)

Lydia, I'm so sorry. That would have hurt me as well. You can still care about what happened to the other mother and baby and still feel the way that you do. That does not make you selfish. Your baby does matter!!!

FWIW, my MW always sends out emails whenever one of her clients has a loss and she did send one out when I had my miscarriage but I never would have known because she did not include my email address in the email. I only found out from some of my friends that she sent the email out. I'm just mentioning it because maybe the same thing happened with your MW?

I can't think of anything to possibly explain not calling though. I'm so sorry mama







.


----------



## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I feel really selfish for feeling this way.

I just got an e-mail from my former midwife. Regarding a recent loss in her practice. A mother gave birth to a baby with bad heart tones at the end of labor, who needed CPR, transport to the hospital, etc. and after a few hours it was determined the baby was brain dead and they removed life support and the baby passed away. Please don't think me a heartless person, because A) I warned you I was being selfish and B) I am absolutely heartbroken for this poor family and do not want AT ALL to belittle their experience. Ready? Here comes the selfish part.

Why did I get an e-mail about this and one wasn't sent out about MY loss? Because my baby wasn't born semi-alive? Because I wasn't fullterm and therefore not a "noteworthy" loss"? Because miscarriage is so much more common than stillbirths or death of a just born baby? I'm angry and hurt and GOD I just feel so completely forgotten and overlooked. She didn't even CALL ME after I got home from the hospital and I called her 4 times and left messages every time and she sends out a mass e-mail for this loss but not for mine? It's like a dagger in my heart. My baby doesn't matter enough.

She mattered to me. I miss her so much and nobody else even cares. She hasn't even called me once to see how I am and it's been over two weeks. I got more support from a midwife who hasn't even been my midwife for over two years because I had to go looking elsewhere when I was pretty much forgotten and abandoned by the person who was supposed to be my midwife for that baby. This hurts beyond words. Why does a miscarriage matter so much less than the loss of a fullterm baby? I had the same hopes and dreams and love for my baby that they did.

I'm just crushed, beyond words.









:

I don't think you are being selfish at all. How you feel is very legitimate. People expect you to get over it when you have a miscarriage, esp. if it's an earlier one. Heck, I got that message and my loss was 2nd trimester. The truth is people do treat those losses differently. I think I would have gotten different treatment at the hospital if my baby had been still born or had been a full term loss.

I was thinking about this,too-if there was a condition that affected 1 in 4 men and then some, folks would be up in arms trying to do something, and folks wouldn't be so _insensitive_. Could you imagine someone saying "Oh well, maybe it's for the better" if a man had ED???








@ DID


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Phew! Thank you guys for understanding. I was really afraid to share this because I felt so strongly about it, so hurt and angry, but I wasn't sure how it would be received.

I tried to tell my husband about it but he just doesn't understand at all. I just feel really alone IRL.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Phew! Thank you guys for understanding. I was really afraid to share this because I felt so strongly about it, so hurt and angry, but I wasn't sure how it would be received.

I tried to tell my husband about it but he just doesn't understand at all. *I just* *feel really alone IRL*.

Me,too. Bless his heart, I don't think my SO understands either.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

You are not selfish at all.
I have almost the exact story.
I called my mw when I started to bleed and called her after the hospital to let her know I had a confirmed m/c and was going for a d&c. I called her after the d&c and she said she would try and stop in. This mw delivered my youngest in January 07.
I waited for her to call to say she was coming over and she didn't. I called her again the following weekend and she said she had gotten busy. She said she would try and stop in that week. It's been 7 weeks since my m/c and I haven't heard from her.
I felt and and still feel insignificant. I feel like I don't matter anymore because I am not having a baby. I feel resentful and don't know what I will do if I become pregnant again. There aren't many midwives where I live.

Your loss is just as significant as the lady mentioned in the email.
Midwives of all people should have compassion and understanding and realize that a phone call may make all the difference in the world to somebody.

I feel for you...I have been there and still am. It hurts a LOT.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Lydia - You have every right to feel the way you do. You are not selfish. Miscarriages are not really given the weight they should in our society. Even M/Ws do not do a great job with them. When I lost Avery, (it was a missed m/c), my M/W dropped me. She passed me off to her back up Drs. I went to someone else I felt better with and he helped me through the process. It really soured my opinion of the M/W and her practice.








to all here. I am sorry that the past few days have been bad for so many here! JenMidwife, Kayda's mom, hb2k8, Dreamweaver - light and love to each of you! Please take care!

Jen


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

s to Lydia and everyone who needs it.
Yes, the world of the bereaved is a lonely one.


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i am actually in the middle of a m/c right now...haven't passed the baby yet and i'm a mess emotionally. i should be almost 9 weeks, but the baby stopped growing at a little over 6...i don't know how to do this...i'm so devastated right now. i'm glad i found this thread because right now i just feel so lost and guilty for feeling like this when i have 3 perfectly healthy living children who deserve me to be grateful for them. i am so grateful, but i really wanted this last baby...i have no idea if we'll try again or not..none at all. my heart wants to, but i'm just not there yet. i've lost a pregnancy after only knowing for less than a week and i thought that was hard...this is so much worse.

thanks for letting me babble..i'm just in that limbo place right now...







i'm so sorry for everyone's loss here and don't think that any feelings are selfish at all...







to you all!


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Cat, yeah, I totally didn't understand why losses were so significant for mamas who already had children until I became one of them. Please don't feel guilty- this is unchartered territory. Be gentle to yourself









Lydia & honeybunch, as a midwife myself I have fire coming out of my ears reading about your calls gone unreturned, etc.







: I have made plenty of mistakes in my practice & my own midwife is pretty scatterbrained & sometimes takes losts of reminders, but jeez, you were their CLIENTS just as much as any other woman.







I'm so sorry mamas


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I feel really selfish for feeling this way.

I just got an e-mail from my former midwife. Regarding a recent loss in her practice. A mother gave birth to a baby with bad heart tones at the end of labor, who needed CPR, transport to the hospital, etc. and after a few hours it was determined the baby was brain dead and they removed life support and the baby passed away. Please don't think me a heartless person, because A) I warned you I was being selfish and B) I am absolutely heartbroken for this poor family and do not want AT ALL to belittle their experience. Ready? Here comes the selfish part.

Why did I get an e-mail about this and one wasn't sent out about MY loss? Because my baby wasn't born semi-alive? Because I wasn't fullterm and therefore not a "noteworthy" loss"? Because miscarriage is so much more common than stillbirths or death of a just born baby? I'm angry and hurt and GOD I just feel so completely forgotten and overlooked. She didn't even CALL ME after I got home from the hospital and I called her 4 times and left messages every time and she sends out a mass e-mail for this loss but not for mine? It's like a dagger in my heart. My baby doesn't matter enough.

She mattered to me. I miss her so much and nobody else even cares. She hasn't even called me once to see how I am and it's been over two weeks. I got more support from a midwife who hasn't even been my midwife for over two years because I had to go looking elsewhere when I was pretty much forgotten and abandoned by the person who was supposed to be my midwife for that baby. This hurts beyond words. Why does a miscarriage matter so much less than the loss of a fullterm baby? I had the same hopes and dreams and love for my baby that they did.

I'm just crushed, beyond words.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *erin_brycesmom* 
Lydia, I'm so sorry. That would have hurt me as well. You can still care about what happened to the other mother and baby and still feel the way that you do. That does not make you selfish. Your baby does matter!!!

FWIW, my MW always sends out emails whenever one of her clients has a loss and she did send one out when I had my miscarriage but I never would have known because she did not include my email address in the email. I only found out from some of my friends that she sent the email out. I'm just mentioning it because maybe the same thing happened with your MW?

I can't think of anything to possibly explain not calling though. I'm so sorry mama







.









: I just don't even understand why these MW's have this policy in place to begin with!! First of all I have never heard of such a thing....why is it anyone elses business who has a loss and to what extent? They would clearly have to do it for all the losses so noone feels "forgotten and overlooked".
I would definitely have to complain and protest if my MW had this policy in place at her practice. It's not fair and it's a violation of privacy!!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *catballou24* 
i am actually in the middle of a m/c right now...haven't passed the baby yet and i'm a mess emotionally. i should be almost 9 weeks, but the baby stopped growing at a little over 6...i don't know how to do this...i'm so devastated right now. i'm glad i found this thread because right now i just feel so lost and guilty for feeling like this when i have 3 perfectly healthy living children who deserve me to be grateful for them. i am so grateful, but i really wanted this last baby...i have no idea if we'll try again or not..none at all. my heart wants to, but i'm just not there yet. i've lost a pregnancy after only knowing for less than a week and i thought that was hard...this is so much worse.

thanks for letting me babble..i'm just in that limbo place right now...







i'm so sorry for everyone's loss here and don't think that any feelings are selfish at all...







to you all!









I am so sorry for this loss and pain.


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## erin_brycesmom (Nov 5, 2005)

Quote:

I just don't even understand why these MW's have this policy in place to begin with!! First of all I have never heard of such a thing....why is it anyone elses business who has a loss and to what extent? They would clearly have to do it for all the losses so noone feels "forgotten and overlooked".
I would definitely have to complain and protest if my MW had this policy in place at her practice. It's not fair and it's a violation of privacy!!
FWIW, my MW does not say who it is or really much details. The email is sent out to ask for P&PT for the mom and her family. I always say a prayer for the mom even though I don't know who she is. My friends did not know the email was about me until I told them.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *erin_brycesmom* 
FWIW, my MW does not say who it is or really much details. The email is sent out to ask for P&PT for the mom and her family. I always say a prayer for the mom even though I don't know who she is. My friends did not know the email was about me until I told them.


Oh, well IMO I think they _should_ have better things to do than send out mass emails about someone's loss. Seems a little over the top to me!


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

Hi cat. I'm sorry to see you here. I remember you from our Due Date Club.

I will be thinking of you.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Is anyone else having trouble dealing with insensitive comments from people? I'm just sick to death of having people say things to me to the effect of "Well, it wasn't like it was a baby you lost. It was *just* an embryo." I'm feeling very hurt about how much people trivialize a miscarriage as not being a big deal. It was and is a very big deal to me and it was a child I lost, to me, and the attitude even from people who have experienced miscarriage is just so hurtful and I'm just feeling so angry after having yet another one of those opinions voiced to me today.

It's been 3 weeks since my loss and I still feel the pain of it as sharply as I did the day I lost my baby. The world has moved on, and I have not. I don't know how I will ever move on from this.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Is anyone else having trouble dealing with insensitive comments from people? I'm just sick to death of having people say things to me to the effect of "Well, it wasn't like it was a baby you lost. It was *just* an embryo." I'm feeling very hurt about how much people trivialize a miscarriage as not being a big deal. It was and is a very big deal to me and it was a child I lost, to me, and the attitude even from people who have experienced miscarriage is just so hurtful and I'm just feeling so angry after having yet another one of those opinions voiced to me today.

It's been 3 weeks since my loss and I still feel the pain of it as sharply as I did the day I lost my baby. The world has moved on, and I have not. I don't know how I will ever move on from this.









I wish people can just shut up if they do not know what to say.

and yeah, I've had insensitive comments as well as really stupid unsolicited advice.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Is anyone else having trouble dealing with insensitive comments from people? I'm just sick to death of having people say things to me to the effect of "Well, it wasn't like it was a baby you lost. It was *just* an embryo." I'm feeling very hurt about how much people trivialize a miscarriage as not being a big deal. It was and is a very big deal to me and it was a child I lost, to me, and the attitude even from people who have experienced miscarriage is just so hurtful and I'm just feeling so angry after having yet another one of those opinions voiced to me today.

It's been 3 weeks since my loss and I still feel the pain of it as sharply as I did the day I lost my baby. The world has moved on, and I have not. I don't know how I will ever move on from this.

Seriously, would it kill people nowadays to either be sensitive or shut up? I'm sorry they said that to you.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
Is anyone else having trouble dealing with insensitive comments from people? I'm just sick to death of having people say things to me to the effect of "Well, it wasn't like it was a baby you lost. It was *just* an embryo." I'm feeling very hurt about how much people trivialize a miscarriage as not being a big deal. It was and is a very big deal to me and it was a child I lost, to me, and the attitude even from people who have experienced miscarriage is just so hurtful and I'm just feeling so angry after having yet another one of those opinions voiced to me today.

It's been 3 weeks since my loss and I still feel the pain of it as sharply as I did the day I lost my baby. The world has moved on, and I have not. I don't know how I will ever move on from this.

yes, the first couple of weeks there were tons of ridiculous comments. Now people just pretend like nothing happened.
I'm sorry you have insensitive people around you too


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Hi All

I am back from my Mom's funeral. Thanks for all of the condolences. I read a little bit but I'm not retaining much. I was just starting to feel better at work....being productive, organized, crossing things off my list, doing things in advance instead of at the last moment and then my Mom had to die. I'm not mad at her. I just wasn't ready. I had the burden and planning and organizing the entire calling hours and funeral and burial. I have a huge family but mom was very specific that I was to do it all. If my family didn't like it than they can SUCK IT. My Mom was one of my best friends and I talked to her a couple of times a week on the phone. I'm OK with her dying. I may be in shock right now and then have it hit me a couple of weeks later like it did with Norah. She had a full life surrounded by people who love her and now she is with my Dad and Norah. Recently we both cried together when we were discussing her best friends upcoming death. She asked me how she was going to make it without her best friend. I told her that you just live moment to moment and hour to hour and you go on because you have to. So instead of supporting my Mom through her best friends death, I have to support her best friend. But, still I only function moment to moment. This hasn't thrown me into the dark place yet but it might once reality hits.

I'll join in more in a couple of weeks. I'm just not feeling chatty. I have so much work that has piled up since I've been gone. And I don't want to do any of it. Plus with all of the stress, I caught a stomach virus and that weakened me enough to catch a cold so I'm sitting at my desk snotting away....at least the nausea isn't is bad as when the stomach virus started. I gotta go, I just realized that I am whining and I hate it when I do that. But, i did want you all to know that I am still around and have survived saying Goodbye to my Mom.

Peace and Strength, D.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

@ namaste mom

I heard that yet another woman at my job is pregnant.

I'm still a little, ugh, uppity about how people raise their kids. Today I read in Parents (I think) about a couple who let their baby cry it out for over 30 min. They refused (at the urging of a pediatrician) not to even go in that room, even though mom knew in her heart it was wrong and it hurt her. I couldn't help but to think that wouldn't happen to my baby, but I lost mine.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Hi All

I am back from my Mom's funeral. Thanks for all of the condolences. I read a little bit but I'm not retaining much. I was just starting to feel better at work....being productive, organized, crossing things off my list, doing things in advance instead of at the last moment and then my Mom had to die. I'm not mad at her. I just wasn't ready. I had the burden and planning and organizing the entire calling hours and funeral and burial. I have a huge family but mom was very specific that I was to do it all. If my family didn't like it than they can SUCK IT. My Mom was one of my best friends and I talked to her a couple of times a week on the phone. I'm OK with her dying. I may be in shock right now and then have it hit me a couple of weeks later like it did with Norah. She had a full life surrounded by people who love her and now she is with my Dad and Norah. Recently we both cried together when we were discussing her best friends upcoming death. She asked me how she was going to make it without her best friend. I told her that you just live moment to moment and hour to hour and you go on because you have to. So instead of supporting my Mom through her best friends death, I have to support her best friend. But, still I only function moment to moment. This hasn't thrown me into the dark place yet but it might once reality hits.

I'll join in more in a couple of weeks. I'm just not feeling chatty. I have so much work that has piled up since I've been gone. And I don't want to do any of it. Plus with all of the stress, I caught a stomach virus and that weakened me enough to catch a cold so I'm sitting at my desk snotting away....at least the nausea isn't is bad as when the stomach virus started. I gotta go, I just realized that I am whining and I hate it when I do that. But, i did want you all to know that I am still around and have survived saying Goodbye to my Mom.

Peace and Strength, D.









s to you, D. I wish I could be there for you, but I am here. To hold the space and to light the candle when it gets dark. (((hugs)))


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

*namaste_mom*, I've been thinking about you. I cannot believe everything you had to do by yourself.







: Wow. Peace & stregnth to YOU.









*honeybunch2k8*, yeah I know what you mean about it not being fair.







: I was in the check out line a couple of weeks ago, there was a couple w/ a little girl about the same age as my dd & the woman was heavily pregnant. The mom was yelling at the girl saying "if you keep doing that, I'm going to have spank you AGAIN" (clearly the spanking worked the first time







) The little girl was doing something totally age-appropriate. I wanted to say "you know you're acting like you don't even want the one you *have* much less adding another child to your family"









I know I'm not the perfect parent & I parent differently in some ways than I thought I would before I had dd, but still... it's so not fair









*Me:* I really am doing okay. Last week was really hard & that caught me off guard. But I figured out what was making it especially hard & had some good talks w/ dh & am feeling much better. I can't believe I've made it through to May. Phew.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I'm still around, I'm sorry that I haven't been here. Last week was such an emotional hell week. My period was here, Francis urn came in. Its so beautiful & I'm so happy he is in his sweet place, but crap that was hard. This week has been good so far and I actually have felt somewhat normal. I've been able to talk to people more and look forward to things.

D I think about you all the time, wow your roads have been so tough









I may not be here that often, I'm not sure. I'll be here when I can

Thinking of you guys even when I'm not here


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