# MIL let DD cry it out



## Natalie's Mama (Dec 28, 2008)

I'm so mad right now I don't even know what to do! My IL's are in town visiting and I knew my mother in law had different parenting style that I do, but I had no idea she'd do something like this!
About a week ago she wanted to put DD to bed. DD started crying, but I decided to let her try and calm her since no one else is ever here to see if she will go down for someone else. Well about 10 minutes in DD started SCREAMING and so upset so I went in. I had to forcefully remove DD from her arms as she was saying "oh she'll never calm down with you in here!" Well I nursed her and about 5 minutes later she was asleep. When I came out MIL said "you know she'll never calm down if you just keep swooping in. What would happen if you just left her when she was like that?" I said I never have and I don't believe in letting her cry. She clearly is upset so I can't see just dropping her off and leaving.
Fast forward to today, I asked MIL if she would watch DD while I shower. I know she was dying for some alone time with her, so I showered, did my hair and make up etc. I heard music when I stepped out of the shower, but I thought nothing of it. About 1/2 hour after I left I came out of the bathroom and heard my monitor beeping, which happens when the one in DD's room is shut off. Well I go out into the kitchen to the il's having breakfast and DD screaming her poor head off in her room. I start running down the hall and MIL grabs my arm and says something like she's fine, just let her be. I said she's my baby and she is not fine and jerked my arm away.
Poor DD is hysterical in her crib. She has tears down her face and is all red from crying. It took me nearly 1/2 hour to get her calm and another 15 minutes before I could put her down.
What the hell do I say to MIL?! I cannot believe she would do something like that, shut off the monitor so I can't hear and play music over her cries! She want's to take DD for the night so DH and I can have a date, but there is no way I trust her. DH is out of town until tomorrow so I can't even have him talk to MIL. Poor FIL (who I love) is torn because his wife did something like that and made me mad but doesn't know what to say to do.
Bah! I'm just livid right now.


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## trimestersdoula (Dec 13, 2007)

I would be furious!!!! You have every right to be mad.







s to you, mama. You know what is best for you LO and it is NOT right for her to try and tell you otherwise.


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry you had to see your baby so upset! IMO, your MIL just ruined any chance she had of watching the baby unsupervised. Maybe she can have a chance in another ten years or so.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

wow, how underhanded and deceptive of her. not to mention totally mean, and totally full of disregard for your authority as your dd's mama. i'd be livid too, and i agree with you, that i absolutely would not leave dd alone with her. nor again anytime soon.


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## taramoon13 (Apr 17, 2008)

just be thankful you learned her way of doing things while taking a shower and not during an overnight stay!


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## guestmama9910 (Dec 12, 2008)

Personally speaking, that bit of deception, disrespect, and baby grabbing would get her thrown out of my house, relative or not. There are no words for a scenario like that.
--
AnnaArcturus


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.

i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i would have flipped out. literally. you don't hurt my kid. ever. and you don't use time with your granddaughter as an excuse to put her in a situation that causes intense pain and distess.

sheesh i am mad just thinking about it! she knew you trusted her, she knew you couldn't hear, she knew you did not leave your dd to cry. she manipulated you so that she could let you dd CIO. she shut the baby monitor off so you wouldn't know!!!!

who does that and why? why is it so important to her that your dd cry? why did she not respect your rules? you are the mother. the end. i would ask her all of that btw. and i would expect and answer.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

wow, that's really awful. She was soooooooooo out of line. I think that to think it is okay to do something with someone else's child that the mother doesn't want is kinda sick in the head.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry.







. I don't have anything else to add. If she'd have touched me I would've probably hit her out of reflex.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
I'm so sorry.







. I don't have anything else to add. If she'd have touched me I would've probably hit her out of reflex.

i was going to say that too but i thought people might take it wrong.

my first instinct when i read that was 'o sh*t i would have slapped her across the face.'

not intentionally but i would have been raging mad that she did that and if she tried to stop me from getting her... ooo it would have been bad.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

I would probably write her a letter/e-mail:

Dear MIL

I feel very sad that I need to write this to you today! I have totally trusted you and believed that you respected me (our) parenting decisions. You have had your turn and looking at dh you did a good job BUT DD is our child and we have the right to parent her the way we see fit. Of course we are always open to suggestions, but we are NOT open, ever, to you willfully overriding our decisions - ESPECIALLY not if we have made it very, very clear to you what they are!

I feel betrayed by you not only undermining my parenting, but especially by the manipulative, deceptive way you went about it! There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. I told you that we do not let our DD CIO and for you to switch off the baby monitor and playing music to drown out her screams is totally and utterly unacceptable!

Unfortunately you have left us with no option but to only allow you to see DD under our supervision. This means that you will not babysit her for us to have a date night as we feel that we cannot trust you to honour our decisions.

Your Son and DIL


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Oh Momma! My heart is racing reading that right now! Your poor baby! How people can do that to a child and think it's 'good' for them I'll never know.

This situation is very sad and horrible. It's sad because the grandmother/granddaughter relationship has just taken a nose dive. She won't ever be fully trusted again by you, you will always have it in the back of your mind that she is going to do something against your wishes. How sad. How horrible that she was so deceptive! She did something that she KNEW was wrong in your view. She knew that you DON'T believe in CIO, and that you don't want that for YOUR DD. She used you, and manipulated a situation that was supposed to be nice (giving you a break) and turned it into something mean. PLUS she tried to physically prevent you from getting your child not once, but TWICE!!!

You have two choices (as I see it) well, 3 if you ask them to leave but I see you are in Hong Kong...that may not be easy if it means they have to fly home. You could 1- go confront your MIL. Lay it all on the line and tell her where the boundaries are. 2- stay away from her until your DH comes home, like take DD into your bedroom and shut the door untill DH comes home. That is what I would do, but that's just me. I wouldn't want to confront her without my DH there. I get all mommy brain and can't think sometimes.

I WOULD make the point of telling her that this is YOUR daughter, and YOU and DH make the decisions, and she does NOT have to like it! She only has to respect your wishes, and if she cannot do that then there is the door.

I'm so sorry! Please keep us updated! Sending you HUGE Hugs!


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MOMYS* 
I would probably write her a letter/e-mail:

Dear MIL

I feel very sad that I need to write this to you today! I have totally trusted you and believed that you respected me (our) parenting decisions. You have had your turn and looking at dh you did a good job BUT DD is our child and we have the right to parent her the way we see fit. Of course we are always open to suggestions, but we are NOT open, ever, to you willfully overriding our decisions - ESPECIALLY not if we have made it very, very clear to you what they are!

I feel betrayed by you not only undermining my parenting, but especially by the manipulative, deceptive way you went about it! There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. I told you that we do not let our DD CIO and for you to switch off the baby monitor and playing music to drown out her screams is totally and utterly unacceptable!

Unfortunately you have left us with no option but to only allow you to see DD under our supervision. This means that you will not babysit her for us to have a date night as we feel that we cannot trust you to honour our decisions.

Your Son and DIL

I like this letter. I don't really like the 3rd paragraph, feels very...threatening. Not that it isn't warranted (sp) it just feels out of place-KWIM? Great letter though!

I would go read this to her! What a rough situation....


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## Mama Mko (Jul 26, 2007)

That is AWFUL. I would never leave my child alone with my MIL again if she did that. Your poor baby and poor you. Hug your daughter lots.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.

i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.

I agree with all of that


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yarngoddess* 
I like this letter. I don't really like the 3rd paragraph, feels very...threatening. Not that it isn't warranted (sp) it just feels out of place-KWIM? Great letter though!

I would go read this to her! What a rough situation....

That's funny, because I thought the first paragraph was unnecessary.








And that the second and third were most necessary.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
who does that and why? why is it so important to her that your dd cry? why did she not respect your rules? you are the mother. the end. i would ask her all of that btw. and i would expect and answer.

Yes, exactly! Why? What's she getting out of it? Is this her first grandkid? Is she dealing poorly (read:immaturely) with being displaced as "the mother"? Tell her to grow up, and let her kids be parents.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
That's funny, because I thought the first paragraph was unnecessary.








And that the second and third were most necessary.

















i thought the same thing. i was like gee that sounds really erm nice. mine would say i'm sorry you did something so despicable that i have to write you a letter since being in the same room as you would lead telling you what i actually think of you loudly and uncensored and that would be bad.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

OMG! I am so upset for you. I can't believe your MIL! I wouldn't have been able to keep my cool. Holy cow, the part where she grabbed your arm...














I agree with the other posters. Just be upfront with her and tell her that if she EVER wants to be able to babysit your dd then she will have to earn back your trust. She crossed the line with this.









I would also ask her to leave.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I would be very tempted to discuss with her whether she should be left to cry alone if she ever becomes infirm.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

She sounds very controling.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
I would be very tempted to discuss with her whether she should be left to cry alone if she ever becomes infirm.









Yes, this.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My MIL is like that and she lost her privileges to drive DD when she reused to use the car seat properly.
Not just an "I'm having trouble" but an eye rolling she knows more than anybody and does not have to listen to me about it..
Well guess what!
She was not allowed to take my children in the car until just a few weeks ago b/c Dd is now old enough to be in a booster and can do her own seatbelt.

This was 4 years later

Lay down the law now and be firm..and in this situation be ANGRY as well. This is way bigger than, "hey grandma keeps giving plastic toys and we only use wooden"
this is big so make sure MIL know you mean business!


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

*1littlebit* I agree with everything you've said.

I would absolutely under no circumstances allow her to be alone with your dd for any amount of time. You know now that she will willfully ignore your parenting decisions, and this will be true in other circumstances as well. Even if she's alone with her for a short period of time, she could decide to feed her something you object to, or let her play with something you consider dangerous, or God knows what else. And I would tell her exactly how you feel and not even attempt to spare her feelings.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter







. How old is dd by the way?


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## Aleo (Jan 1, 2009)

the face that she didnt respect your parenting style is just







:
it seems to me that she just lost her privilage to an alone time with your dd.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

if it were me? she would have been kicked out of my house, and when she complained, I would have turned up the music and ignored her....

Im not joking, I would have literally told her to leave. immediately. get a room somewhere. I was full of anger just reading the post.

If she is not in the business of respecting you, or your child- she doesnt deserve it.

turning off hte monitor? wow.

she really just thinks she is smarter than you and gonna show you how its done.

Id watch out... she would do this again. she sounds like she totally thinks she is in the right.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your baby girl. I would never leave her alone with the baby again, ever. My future mother in law has already lost the priveleges to be alone with any of my future children due to her treatment of my boyfriend's nieces and nephews. That will be a fun conversation to have with her in the future. I think you should definitely talk to her about what she did and let her know that it was unacceptable and manipulative.


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## Dera (Sep 9, 2008)

First thing that burnt me up reading this? I thought she wanted to spend time with her granddaughter. Isn't what she did exactly the opposite?

Second thing? Does she not remember how unsolicited parenting advice made her feel when she was a new mom? Grandparents have selective memories.

Disgusting. I'm sorry you're in such an icky situation. I don't know if I could get over it.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tallulahma* 
she really just thinks she is smarter than you and gonna show you how its done.

Id watch out... she would do this again. she sounds like she totally thinks she is in the right.

I completely agree with this! She used this as an opportunity to say "See! She got to sleep just fine! There was no problem!"

I am so livid. I would just want to vomit knowing that she had left her like that and just turned some music up.

And you were there! It's not like she was staying the night at her house!


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Livid. I would be livid. I can't say what I would do because I wasn't in your shoes and don't know, but you can be sure as heck she wouldn't be alone with my child ever again.

Also, I am confused as to why it was morning time and she felt she needed to cry. Okay, I don't support CIO, but at least I could picture some grandparent trying to use it at night. Was it nap time or something? Otherwise, what she did was worse than the already awful letting her CIO thing...it was basically deciding to neglect her during the day too. WTH?


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Oh man, that post made my blood boil. It's already been said but they would NEVER be alone with my child ever again and I would have kicked them out of my house right then and there. Find a hotel, sleep under a bridge, I don't care--just get out of my sight.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that, OP. I hope your DH is ready to set them straight, and I'm glad you found out about your MIL's asinine creepiness BEFORE you left her with DD overnight!


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## Lemon Juice (Jun 6, 2005)

I am so sorry your dd had to go through that. I'm so sorry your MIL disrespected you and her grandbabe that way too.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
Otherwise, what she did was worse than the already awful letting her CIO thing...it was basically deciding to neglect her during the day too. WTH?

Almost like she was doing it for...fun. Ugh...







:


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

I have chills. I, too, would be so upset if anyone left my baby to cry.

And what an awful user agreement violation she is.

So sorry.

Beth


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

I would have cussed, and punched her and kicked her sorry butt outside. PERIOD. that is inexcusable! Totally wrong!


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Please put your MIL in her place NOW otherwise she is going to feel entitled to question your parenting in the future. Her behavior is unacceptable and if you can't or won't tell her then your DH should.

NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!!


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Wow!

Does your DH know about this? Does he understand and agree with why this was so very wrong-not just to you, but to your/his DD?

It was bad enough MIL totally disrespected your parenting choices and was so openly rude and deceitful about it, but the fact she turned off the monitor was majorly f'd up and even dangerous! What would have happened if the baby started choking during that extended crying fit? No one would have known until it was too late.

My initial reaction if one of my ILs did this would have been to hit them if they grabbed my arm to prevent me from going to my daughter. Then I'd be really tempted come down and scream at them to get the hell out of my house. However, that would have had a very negative outcome.

The fact you kept your cool was really a good thing (though you'd have had every right to go "mother bear" on their butts).

You'll probably want to talk to your DH and get him on the same page. You two may never want to leave your DD alone with your ILs until she is at least old enough to talk and your MIL hasn't done anything more stupid and dangerous.

And you may want to limit having the ILs up for a while (I'd sure need a break from any relatives who crossed the line like this)... If you visit them, a hotel may not be a bad choice (to establish nice strong boundaries), but that is something you will have to play by ear-depending on you both feel and how they continue to treat you.

I think the smartest thing to do right now is to see if your husband will do the dirty work of telling your ILs off-including telling them they no longer welcome to babysit. This will keep you from having to look like the "controlling shrew" (in their ignorant eyes) and make it crystal clear that parenting is both of your decisions...that to be so disrespectful to you and DD is being disrespectful to their son, too... This will hopefully drive things home to them much stronger than if you tried confronting them alone. If not, then hopefully your husband will be all the more supportive of distancing your family from them.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

I was always uncomfortable leaving my daughter to cry until she fall asleep on her own. It always made me feel guilty and a bad mother. So I've always stayed beside her or held her until she felt comfortable to sleep on her own.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I hope my mother in law won't do something like that with my twins coming up but I doubt it though.

I hope your situation will turn out better. Hang in there and think positive.


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## bvnms (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *taramoon13* 
just be thankful you learned her way of doing things while taking a shower and not during an overnight stay!









:

I'm sorry that happened to you and your baby. I had a family member tell me that if I didn't quit picking Emma up so much, she would get attached to me.
I said(with huge major sarcasam)..."Yes, what a horrible thing. A baby attached to her mother. What will the world come too."


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## DogwoodFairy (Jan 11, 2008)

OP, I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your baby. My MIL also did this to ds when he was about 6 months old, and I was BEYOND livid. I almost couldn't see straight I was so angry. My MIL, however, did NOT prevent me from going to my son IMMEDIATELY to get him.

In my case, I left ds w/her at 9am so I could go to a Dr appt. When I returned about 1.5 hrs later, I got out of my car and could hear ds screaming from the outside of the house. I went in the house, and MIL met me at the door, saying "he's only been doing that for a minute". When I went into her room where she had laid the baby on the bed (3 ft up off the floor!) he was still wearing his outside jacket I'd dropped him off in, he was wearing a bib crusted with baby food, tied (NOT velcroed!) around his neck, and he was nearly purple from exertion. He had been crying for a while. I think she fed him and immediately put him in another room to cry. I thought I was going to come unglued completely, and it was very fortunate that I was holding my child and trying to soothe him, or I might have lost whatever wits I had about me and physically harmed her. I hurt for my baby for DAYS (and still do when I think about it). I also felt unbelievably guilty, for placing him in someone's care who treated him this way. I dont think I said anything at the time besides, "I do NOT let him cry alone EVER. This is abusive and I am NOT okay with it."

I think my MIL was scared of me. As she should have been, and as your MIL should be. What was it a pp said - Go Momma Bear on her ass (?). I agree. If its obvious to her that you will not condone or support her blatant disregard for YOUR parenting style, she will probably think twice in the future before attempting to second guess you, regardless of whether she agrees with them or not.








to all the MIL's out there who are evil.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

I wouldn't allow her to watch my baby either, and if you have to say something, I would tell the truth.

Crying in arms while being soothed is one thing, I can understand that, but abandoning a crying baby for no reason is awful


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I would be furious.

I also would not allow alone time. I would feel different if your mil was rocking or trying to calm her while you were in the shower.

BUT

She was being decietful. She was trying to prove something. She turned off that baby monitor. She wants to say to you, "I told you, so." She is going to keep on doing this until she is put in her place.

I would have dh put her in her place. Remember it will be hard for him to stand up to his mom. Just like it might be hard for you to stand up to your parents.

I notice you are in Hong Kong....could her culture be a part of it? Or your race play a part? I do know some mama's have more trouble with mil's when they are not what they wanted culturally/racially.

I would also inform your dh if he wants his mom to be allowed to babysit she has to prove she is trust worthy. That behavior was not trust worthy.


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
I would be furious.
She was being decietful. She was trying to prove something. She turned off that baby monitor. She wants to say to you, "I told you, so." She is going to keep on doing this until she is put in her place.

Yes. I don't know why some women feel challenged if the DIL expresses disagreement with them over parenting styles and want to score a point. A way to circumvent these power struggles is to sit and have a frank, firm and informative talk about basic points of care over which there is to be no compromise. This is not to upstage her, does not mean disrespect to her or mistrust of her. It's to do with what is in the best interests of the baby/child. This way you set your expectations early on, they know the whys of it, no room for silly proving games which come at the expense of the child.

OP, what did you say to her after you calmed down your baby? An incident like that needs to be addressed ASAP.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

There is nothing I can add, but wanted to offer a


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## Natalie's Mama (Dec 28, 2008)

Thanks for the support. I'm still mad, even though DD seems totally over it. I haven't talked to mil yet. I had to go out shortly after this whole thing. I have no idea what to even say, I'm so friggen non-confrontational even when I know I'm in the right.
I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes sake)
DH gets home tomorrow morning and I'd like to talk to him before I talk to MIL. All I can think to say to her is that she will not be alone with DD again and DD is not to be used to teach me a lesson. I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship. AND I was really really looking forward to a night out. I love DD, but we have not gone out since she was born. I was looking forward to a meal that I could enjoy sans babe on my boob or on my lap pulling on my hair.


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## caitryn (Aug 18, 2005)

I am so sorry this happened with you and your DD. You have hit on one of the reasons we will not let MIL be alone with DS for long periods before he is old enough to really voice his opinions.

MIL has mentioned plenty of times that I should just let DS cry or "I'll regret it" later down the road. She has been left with him no longer than 30 minutes (and that while he"s already asleep). Out of DH and me, I am definitely the more pacifistic one. If I game MIL the chance to do something like that with DS, and she did it, she would never be allowed to see DS again, and there's a good chance DH might go a bit over the top. (I'm the one that's making sure MIL and DH have a speaking relationship to start with.)


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natalie's Mama* 
I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship.









Okay, but you understand that it's not your fault that it wasn't, right? What she did was over-the-top and downright dangerous (not to mention disrespectful, manipulative, and a whole host of other things). The reason people have baby monitors is so they can hear if their child is crying or choking, and even most of those who are not opposed to CIO would agree that it's dangerous to just walk away and not listen-- there was a real risk of her vomiting and aspirating. We can't avoid all risk for our kids, but this risk was manufactured by your MIL. Against your express wishes. You can only try to get along to a point, but she needs to be doing her part-- starting with honoring your parenting decisions (even if she doesn't agree with them).

I hope you and your DH are able to find your inner Mama and Papa Bears and put your foot (feet?) down in a big way. What she did was unacceptable. And don't let her put this back on you-- you were clear about this issue with her (you don't leave your DD to cry alone or unnecessarily) and she chose to ignore your wishes and in doing so broke what little trust you may have had in her. Actions have consequences, you choose the action, you choose the consequence.


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## sailorjenn (Jul 19, 2007)

I am sorry she did that to you and your daughter. My blood is boiling for you!


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

I am SO sorry this happen to you and your dd, what an experience to have gone through, I wonder if she did this because your dh isn't there at the moment?

The thing that struck me was from your post I thought she wanted to spend time WITH your dd, putting her in a room turning the monitor off and letting her cry is NOT spending time with her granddaughter, I don't know if you'd be able to talk to your fil - who you like - to see if he might get through to his wife pointing out the fact that you're confused as to the intentions of mil regarding your dd, you thought she loved her etc - it may work.

Something else that may work is looking up Dr James McKenna, who is a sleep expert and does NOT condone CIO - and has scientific evidence to support it - she may take that sort of thing into consideration - you could even email him - he's very approachable and usually responds to most emails. You don't need to discuss or talk to her about vaccines and homebirth - that's your private life and you need to protect yourself and your family from negative influences.

Good luck - that's a really hard situation to be in and I wish you joy and happiness in your parenting journey.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natalie's Mama* 
Thanks for the support. I'm still mad, even though DD seems totally over it. I haven't talked to mil yet. I had to go out shortly after this whole thing. I have no idea what to even say, I'm so friggen non-confrontational even when I know I'm in the right.
I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. *DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake.* I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes sake)
*DH gets home tomorrow morning and I'd like to talk to him before I talk to MIL.* *All I can think to say to her is that she will not be alone with DD again and DD is not to be used to teach me a lesson.* I was really hoping this trip would mend our relationship. AND I was really really looking forward to a night out. I love DD, but we have not gone out since she was born. I was looking forward to a meal that I could enjoy sans babe on my boob or on my lap pulling on my hair.


Bolding mine.

Why is it that you have to be the one to "get along" and give, but his mother can just swoop in and be obnoxious and controlling?

I would tell MIL exactly what I thought and DH could go twist in the wind if he didn't like it. And, you know what? You *could* make her leave your home, if you wanted to, no matter what anyone else thinks. You simply don't want to, because it would cause a problem with your husband, and I understand that totally.

Tell her that DD is your child, not hers, and that her advice is unwanted, unwarranted, and she needs to back off and drop it. Limit her time with your child.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama. I would be crushed. Not just angry, but really sad that my child had lost that relationship with their grandparent.

The time to stand up for your child is NOW. This will not end until she "proves" to you that her parenting is the right way. Keep her away from your daughter. Talk to your husband and present a united front to your MIL.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I had to stop having my OWN family take care of my dd for this same reason. Your dh needs to step up to the plate - you are his wife, dd is his child, and you two need to be his priority. Period. I do think it's his job as it's his mom, but personally I'd do what I had to do to protect dd at this point.

















You are in a very bad position.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

My God. What if she had vomitted or choked and no one could hear because of the monitor off and the music on? This really could have been a lot worse, and I would never let these people in my house w/o DH.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

I'd be FURIOUS with my mil and I would ABSOLUTELY tell her to get the h#ll out NOW!!!

Her PURPOSELY shutting the monitor off and PURPOSELY turning the music on shows she knew exactly what she was doing was WRONG but wanted to make sure she got her way w/ parenting YOUR child.

I am so livid right now.

Also, you don't just have a MIL problem, you have a dh problem as well. Why is it that YOU are the one that has to get along with his pweshus mommy but she can be deceptive, manipulative, underhanded and put your child in a DANGEROUS situation and she gets away with it?

Your dh's place is with his wife and children.

This would be a hill to die on with me. My relationship with my MIL would NEVER be the same and I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER allow this woman any unsupervised time alone with my children. Period!!!


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## yogafeet (Jul 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rebeccajo* 
That is AWFUL. I would never leave my child alone with my MIL again if she did that. Your poor baby and poor you. Hug your daughter lots.









:


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

She blatantly disrespects your parenting. There is no way I would leave her alone with my child. How old is your baby anyway? I have read your posts, but not the entire thread.

And, I can tell you from experience, that that dinner out alone, that you are so looking forward to, will not be nearly so enjoyable as you are picturing, and _especially_ not if you leave your daughter with someone you cannot trust.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm just seething for you, mama! I'm impressed that you had enought control to keep from slapping her!


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Oh and I just wanted to add after seeing your update. DH and I have had a lot of problems with his mom-- you can read my past threads if you don't belive me!

I always put it on myself to get along with her, and it never worked. It just wouldn't because she would take it as a sign that she could walk all over me. DH and I sat down a couple weeks ago, and firmly told her-- in our house, it our way or the highway. We love you, but we will distance ourselves if you keep acting this way!

The difference in how she treats me now is like night and day. Some people need to be put in their place. She's a grandma-- not a mom.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *texmati* 
She's a grandma-- not a mom.


Sorry, but with her nasty, sneaky, manipulative and deceptive behavior, she doesn't deserve the title "grandma" either at this point. May seem harsh and extreme but there is no excuse for PURPOSELY going behind the mom's back and doing this. This would absolutely be a cut-off reason for me. Maybe not for forever, but, for a long time at least.


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## nj's_mom (Jan 13, 2009)

OOOOH. I am SO sorry mama, I would be BEYOND PISSED. I was pissed FOR YOU as I was reading! That would be it for me- no more alone time with her- I would SERIOUSLY restrict the amount of time she spent with her AT ALL.

(Love the name, btw. My LO is Natalie, too.)


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Bolding mine.

Why is it that you have to be the one to "get along" and give, but his mother can just swoop in and be obnoxious and controlling?

I would tell MIL exactly what I thought and DH could go twist in the wind if he didn't like it. And, you know what? You *could* make her leave your home, if you wanted to, no matter what anyone else thinks. You simply don't want to, because it would cause a problem with your husband, and I understand that totally.

Tell her that DD is your child, not hers, and that her advice is unwanted, unwarranted, and she needs to back off and drop it. Limit her time with your child.

Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.

I've come close to ending things with my husband, bc of his folks. I never had a problem with a SO's parents before, but my husband's parents (while loving and well-meaning) can be very controlling over his life.

His father, in particular, can be a huge bully and very immature. We've had it out a couple times. The man loves confrontation and to start battles over stupid things like someone's different lifestyle choices and politics (he brings it up) when there are a million and one other topics to talk about. When I've tried to defend myself against these verbal attacks, I almost always end up being the bad guy. This is because my husband has been so accustomed to growing up around his father's nasty behavior that he has a blindspot for it. Nagging, griping, and complaining has not helped him see things at all.

But then I came to realize where he came from. My family is not perfect either. In fact, my mother and stepdad can be very judgmental, and my biological father (who is an abuser) is so toxic and manipulative I ended up making the painful decision to cut him out of my life for now....

But the thing is my husband always left these choices open to me. He rarely spoke down about my parents (even when they were rude), and if he did ever say anything it was very objective and nonjudgmental. This left me with more freedom to see things for what they were versus feeling like I was being backed into a corner by my husband. It helped give me the power to open my eyes to my parents controlling and/or abusive behaviors and start creating healthy boundaries with my family on my own. That is *much better* than feeling like my husband has come between us.

So recently, I've been trying to give him the same respect with his family. If his father tries to push my buttons, I just let him blast off or I just walk out of the room (and objectively talk to DH about it later). And you know what? It's working!

My guy is actually finally seeing what I'm talking about with his parents, and he is starting to stick up for us. This also prevents his folks from attacking me so much they aren't viewing me "the puppeteer" of my husband's choices anymore. Instead, we are coming off as a unified front and that makes us all the more strong.

It is a long hard road, and things aren't going to completely change overnight, but we at least get a relief from the drama as we are learning how to avoid these explosive situations with our folks together.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I would never ask them to leave. I would never be completely disrespectful of my Mother in Law.

BUT it is YOUR house, and YOUR child. You are not at her mercy.

Sure.. she is talking to her husband about how you are doing such a bad parenting job, and how the baby will never learn to sooth herself. But, who cares? Even in ten years when you have a happy healthy fifth grader, she will still think it was in spite of the fact that you never let her cry.

She raised her kids. You get to raise yours. It's none of her business how you chose to do so.


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

I don't understand why people want to take CARE of the baby if they're not going to actually provide CARE. Ignoring a crying child is not providing care.

I would have difficulty biting back comments about who chooses the nursing home.


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## kiara7 (Feb 14, 2008)

Absolutely unacceptable.

If you're not up to tell her everything, just don't let dd out of your or dh's sight. And make sure you and dh are on the same page about everything, he can tell her whatever he thinks is necessary. You just go on as if she isn't there.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Red_Lil_Mamma* 
Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.

I've come close to ending things with my husband, bc of his folks. I never had a problem with a SO's parents before, but my husband's parents (while loving and well-meaning) can be very controlling over his life.

His father, in particular, can be a huge bully and very immature. We've had it out a couple times. The man loves confrontation and to start battles over stupid things like someone's different lifestyle choices and politics (he brings it up) when there are a million and one other topics to talk about. When I've tried to defend myself against these verbal attacks, I almost always end up being the bad guy. This is because my husband has been so accustomed to growing up around his father's nasty behavior that he has a blindspot for it. Nagging, griping, and complaining has not helped him see things at all.

But then I came to realize where he came from. My family is not perfect either. In fact, my mother and stepdad can be very judgmental, and my biological father (who is an abuser) is so toxic and manipulative I ended up making the painful decision to cut him out of my life for now....

But the thing is my husband always left these choices open to me. He rarely spoke down about my parents (even when they were rude), and if he did ever say anything it was very objective and nonjudgmental. This left me with more freedom to see things for what they were versus feeling like I was being backed into a corner by my husband. It helped give me the power to open my eyes to my parents controlling and/or abusive behaviors and start creating healthy boundaries with my family on my own. That is *much better* than feeling like my husband has come between us.

So recently, I've been trying to give him the same respect with his family. If his father tries to push my buttons, I just let him blast off or I just walk out of the room (and objectively talk to DH about it later). And you know what? It's working!

My guy is actually finally seeing what I'm talking about with his parents, and he is starting to stick up for us. This also prevents his folks from attacking me so much they aren't viewing me "the puppeteer" of my husband's choices anymore. Instead, we are coming off as a unified front and that makes us all the more strong.

It is a long hard road, and things aren't going to completely change overnight, but we at least get a relief from the drama as we are learning how to avoid these explosive situations with our folks together.


Believe me, I know all about inlaw issues. But, there are things I absolutely would not ever tolerate and if my DH didn't like it, he could hit the road. I have my limits.

I am also not afraid to stand up for DH. He is my husband. I am an adult and will stand up for him if needed. I love him that much. To me, a man or woman who does not stand up for their spouse, doesn't love their spouse.

I read story after story about how many men (and women) just expect their spouse and children to suck it up and keep the peace, aka, "just let my mommy/daddy/family member pick on you and don't say anything". There comes a time when you have to choose to be a grown-up or a child. If you are grown enough to marry and have children, you should be grown up enough to stand up for them and tell your family of origin to buzz off, if needed. Yes, I have done this with my own family of origin. No, it wasn't easy.


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## Una (Aug 16, 2008)

What your MIL did was deplorable and my heart broke for your babe.

I just wanted to send you both some


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

I'm sorry that you have to be stuck in this position. I really agree with the people who said that this could've been a lot worse. It really could've been a tragedy.

Please don't let her baby-sit for you AT ALL. I know you were looking forward to having a night out but you can't trust this woman. Even if she says that she won't let dd cry like that again don't believe it. I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg for her. Keep your baby safe and away from this woman. What if this progresses to spanking or force feeding in the future? It's obvious that she is having issues with not being in control.

Also, you did try to get along with your MIL but SHE CROSSED THE LINE! She put your baby in danger and disrespected you. Now Mil needs to try to get along with you. If your dh can't see this then you'll have to stand up for yourself NOW or this is going to get out of hand. I know, I speak from experience. Thankfully my dh now defends me but in the beginning it wasn't that way. It was hard but If I can do it so can you.

You can even be polite and just say something like, "Mil, I am sorry but I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby with you. I feel like you inadvertently put my daughter in danger by leaving her to cry and turning off the monitor. Unfortunately, I do not trust you anymore to care for MY child. I am sorry if this offends you but I have to do what I feel is right for MY child." You could even write it down and give it to her that way.
Or you could go for the short and sweet, "We will not be going out. We don't let our child cry it out and this is NOT up for discussion".

I would even consider letting your dh read this thread so that he can see that you are not just being overly emotional. (not saying that that's what he'll think, but just in case.)

Socks For Supper, WTF! Omg, how you didn't throw down with your mil is amazing. I might've been violent with her. Your poor sweet little one.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

On your end, I would just make 'this is not an okay way to take care of my child' your broken record saying and have your dp do any more in depth discussion with her. She probably won't listen to any explanations until she actually comes to either of you and asks for it.


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## aurora_skys (Apr 1, 2008)

Wow. Just wow. She shut the monitor off? I find that seriously disturbing. It sounds like you already know what to do- never leave your precious baby with that person. It may be inconvenient and cause friction in the fam but our babies come first and we have to protect them from experiences like that.

Sounds like its time for a serious woman to woman talk w your mil







:


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Believe me, I know all about inlaw issues. But, there are things I absolutely would not ever tolerate and if my DH didn't like it, he could hit the road. I have my limits.

I am also not afraid to stand up for DH. He is my husband. I am an adult and will stand up for him if needed. I love him that much. To me, a man or woman who does not stand up for their spouse, doesn't love their spouse.

I read story after story about how many men (and women) just expect their spouse and children to suck it up and keep the peace, aka, "just let my mommy/daddy/family member pick on you and don't say anything". There comes a time when you have to choose to be a grown-up or a child. If you are grown enough to marry and have children, you should be grown up enough to stand up for them and tell your family of origin to buzz off, if needed. Yes, I have done this with my own family of origin. No, it wasn't easy.

I understand. This particular situation is pretty extreme, because of the blatant disrespect and the safety factor. Natalie's Mamma already said her husband was out at the time and she's talking to him to get him on board before making a move. That's a pretty rational decision (compared to beating the crap out of or screaming at the MIL-though being violent to such a UAV is much more gratifying to imagine). They will be a much stronger voice when confronting the ILs together than if she tries it alone.

That said, if I was in that kind of situation I'd expect nothing less than my husband to be on board with telling off his folks after our talk, and I'd definitely give him a chance to do it first. If he didn't, though, I *would* take matters into my own hands (and believe me, if anything like this ever happens I'm not afraid to be "the b*tch"). Then I would probably be looking into a marriage counselor for us or a good divorce lawyer or me.

That said, it's been my experience that a confrontation like that with a ILs is almost always best worked out with the partner before taking matters into your own hands (an exception is if they become violent or continue to put the child in danger while your partner is out).

If you go after the parents directly or *force* your partner to go after them, it will come back to bite you on the ass. Folks (including your partner) will start to believe you came between him/her and his/her parents, and that will = resentment in the marriage.

Guys (and girls) who are non-confrontational (and let's face it, those of us with controlling parents are often groomed to be non-confrontational) can end up being very passive-aggressive. Passive-aggression is very destructive in the long run as one holds onto anger to get along with everyone than express their true feelings, but then it comes out in funny or ugly ways.

So while I'm a huge advocate of defending my family and myself, I've been learning there's a fine balance between being protective and poisoning my marriage. Where that line is for each person is very an individual choice between the couple-depending where our comfort levels lie and how we were raised... However, it's important to know it exists so we don't end up being either enablers or bullies in our relationships.

There are no easy answers, but I am impressed with Natalie's Mom for her restraint. She got to her daughter first (totally a priority over beating up or screaming at the MIL), got them to safety and away from the toxic situation, cooled down, and is taking time to think things over before acting. That takes a lot of strength of character not to let your emotions control you in a situation like that-whether it's going into a rage or letting your ILs control things (fight or flight). She ended up protecting her family and not stooping to the level of her MIL. I hope to remember this if I ever run into any problems like this with my own family (including my ILs).


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

You just dont let your MIL watch your baby again. It is that simple.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

I'm hopping mad







for you and your DD and I've never met either of you! If this had happened to me, words would not even begin to express how upset and angry I would be. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this









Get your DH on board, get him to give your MIL a stern talking-to, and make it clear that she will NEVER be looking after your DD unsupervised again. Why on earth does she say that she wants to spend time with her if all that consists of is sticking her in another room and ignoring her obvious distress?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natalie's Mama* 
She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking".

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd kick them out and explain it to dh when he got home. This quote is so blatantly disrespectful of you as a person and as a mother that there is no way this relationship can be mended unless your MIL does a _major_ rethink of her approach. She has no right to talk to you like that, and even less right to try to "teach" you how to parent your child.

I'd be livid. My temper is bad enough that, in your shoes, when she grabbed my arm, I'd have probably hit her.

ETA: I totally agree with this:

Quote:

, but I am impressed with Natalie's Mom for her restraint. She got to her daughter first (totally a priority over beating up or screaming at the MIL), got them to safety and away from the toxic situation, cooled down, and is taking time to think things over before acting. That takes a lot of strength of character not to let your emotions control you in a situation like that-whether it's going into a rage or letting your ILs control things (fight or flight). She ended up protecting her family and not stooping to the level of her MIL.
I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my cool, but I don't think that's a virtue.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

wow i would definitely NOT let her stay with them-hell, i wouldn't let her be alone with her! YOU are the mother, it's your kid, she had her chance with her kids. she's completely disrespecting you. no advice on what to say to her b/c i would have flippr=ed on her then and there.


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## SimonMom (May 19, 2004)

I'm in agreement with everything that's been said. I also want to say that if you want a night out, then go for it. Just don't use MIL as the babysitter. I'm sure you can find a caring babysitter who is respectful of your parenting decisions! Your baby will be much happier with a loving babysitter then your MIL.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Red_Lil_Mamma* 
Relationships with ILs can be very complex. There is a fine line between sticking up for yourself (and family) and getting in between the relationship of your spouse and parents.

If you are not careful and end up doing the second, you can easily wreck your marriage. However, if you don't put your foot down (preferably with your spouse's support) it's very easy to let those ppl control your life and make it miserable. Marriages have either ended or been made very miserable over such things.


i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

That's why I stopped going to the gym and leaving my son with my mom. She wouldn't leave him to cry himself to sleep, but she would put him down for like five minutes while he was crying (he hated when I left even as a little baby). I live with my mom, and I just told her very clearly that she was not to leave him alone crying or otherwise. She would never have left him for a long time, but even a little while wasn't cool with me. She was okay with it.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak

I agree with this completely. You have to put your relationship with your children and husband first, way above the relationship with parents and inlaws. I have no qualms about telling my inlaws how I feel/think and if my husband had problems with me standing up for myself to someone who does not respect me... well he wouldnt be my husband, thats for sure.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

_I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes_

Well my Dh was reading this over my shoulder and wants to tell your DH that he would have personally removed both his parents from the home and threatened to call the police for child endangerment and harrassment for grabbing you.

I hope your DH supports you in this, OP. All rudeness aside, what your MIL did was place your child's life BELOW her desire to play games. How would you feel if you had walked up to a dead child in that moment?


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Wow. Just Wow.

This women could not even hold her grand baby for the 30 minutes it took you to shower and dress. She felt the need to isolate her and let her scream.

There is no way I would ever let her be alone with my baby.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
Wow. Just Wow.

This women could not even hold her grand baby for the 30 minutes it took you to shower and dress. She felt the need to isolate her and let her scream.

There is no way I would ever let her be alone with my baby.

I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

i cannot get over that she turned the monitor off.







soooooo much can happen in a second. my 8 mo old fell on the tile today just crawling around and cried in my arms so hard she spit up & choked a little... this thread popped to mind.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
_I can't kick her out, as much as I would like to at this point. DH knows I have issues with his mom and I promised to try and get along for his sake. I wish I did get along with her, it would make my life much easier. To the PP who asked if it was a cultural thing, she is Canadian like me, so it's just a different parenting style thing. She is very very medical and this is not the first time we've had a difference of views when it comes to parenting. She says I don't HAVE to go against everything that is excepted just to prove I'm "free thinking". Just wait until she finds out I'm planning a homebirth with #2, and I don't fully vax DD. (she wants me to give her EXTRA vax's for cripes_

Well my Dh was reading this over my shoulder and wants to tell your DH that he would have personally removed both his parents from the home and threatened to call the police for child endangerment and harrassment for grabbing you.

I hope your DH supports you in this, OP. All rudeness aside, what your MIL did was place your child's life BELOW her desire to play games. How would you feel if you had walked up to a dead child in that moment?


i asked dh what he would do, and he said, "i would call them at their hotel and explain that they are lucky you didnt hurt her[mil], and that if they EVER pulled any crap like that again, they would be off the list"

[we say "on the list " often here like "circle of trust"]

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.









:


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## melijack1 (Nov 18, 2008)

Noob here, hi, how are ya.

I think what gets me about this is that in disrespecting you, her son's chosen life partner and the one he loves and trusts above all others, she disrespected HIM too. I would be furious if I was your DH. I feel like my DH is an extension of me, and the decisions that we make wrt our children are OURS, and are carefully thought out and considered with our own best judgment and parenting philosophies. Her pulling something like this, aside from being downright disgusting and about a gazillion giant leaps over the line, is a way of telling you yes, but also her own son, that she thinks he is not a good parent and that she can still hold him, and by extension YOU, under her thumb. I think the two of you would need to discuss this with each other and with her and draw a new line in the sand. Whatever consequence or ultimatum you are jointly comfortable with. If it were me, I'd tell her that I think that you want her and FIL to have a lovely and long lasting relationship with DD as grandparents certainly can enrich a person's life, but she will HAVE to do things your way. She can share her doubts with someone else because YOU don't want to hear it.

I'd lock myself in the baby's room and nurse and cry and call DH and tell him to get his butt home quick fast and in a hurry and deal with his mother.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

I have re-read this thread. I have been thinking about it so much I read it to my DH. He was so upset he got tears in his eyes- he's not a crying kind of guy. He said that had one of his "wonderful"(huge sarcasm) parents pulled this crap he would have kicked them out himself.

I guess I didn't read that MIL tried to stop you, physically BOTH times? Is that right?
W.O.W. I cannot believe how calm and collected you remained. I had my DH's idiot uncle holding my 3 week old DD at a big Easter dinner. He has 3 boys- BTDT but he's an idiot, his wife even breastfed/co-slept with the youngest 2. He was holding DD at the table and 'FAKE' fed her chocolate cake- he was kidding. I JUMPED up and SCREAMED (in front of the whole family like 30 people, oy!) "NO!NO!NO! GIVE ME MY BABY NOW!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HER?????" Every one froze- I'm standing ON my chair geting ready to climb OVER the table to get my daughter when eh says "I didn't feed her, I know better. Please calm down. I was only kidding. Here- see she's safe!" He was so scared- the whole family was so scared. I had to 'make an announcment' through my sobs that he was trying to feed a 3 week old baby chocolate cake. We have serious allergies in this house. I had to leave the table for over an hour. 'Course my other kids followed, as did DH, as did 2 SIL's. I cried for hours. I felt angry and stupid for over-reacting.

My point, of my long OT tirade, is you handled the moment SUPER well. It sounds like this relationship between YOU and HER is not going to ever be good or even decent. I would stop trying to spare her feelings and put up so SERIOUS walls and boundaries. I would not budge on my expectations here. I would not tollerate any negativity from her again. I would also insist that any future visits they must get a motel/hotel/room somewhere other than your house. You ALL need to have a break from eachother. IF you allow them to stay in your home- limit the visits to NO MORE than a week. Gives her less time to sabotage (sp) you.

I'm so sorry momma! I have been thinking of you all day. DH has even talked about you and your situation. Wondering how you are now, and what your DH said when he found out. HUGS!!! HUGS to that sweet baby too! She's a 'could've' baby today! Something could've happened.... I'm just SO glad that she is OK, you are OK, and that you now know BEFORE DD had to endure this for the night!!! Sending you, DD and DH some major Strength vibes.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
i disagree. when you marry someone and have children with them, that is the family to worry about. no one should have to put up with bullying, toxic people, no matter who they are.
i say this though after years of turmoil w/ my inlaws who actually tried to break us up. *my husband thought it was ridiculous and they are not much in our life anymore.*
you HAVE to stick up for yourself and your family, even if it is your parents causing the prob.
nak

You are very blessed to have a husband who can actually see the way his parents behave, and it sounds like you both came on board with how to deal with them before he chose to cut them out.

Some of us are not so lucky to start out that way. For those of us who aren't, it takes time and patience to build a relationship to that point or you can easily escalate things and ruin your relationship.

This is *not* to say you give in to toxic inlaws, allow them to step on you, and/or allow them to endanger you or your child (physically or mentally). Rules can be made with your spouse if he or she isn't ready to confront his/her parents. Example - you both agree if your ILs make you uncomfortable or are mean to your DC, that you can cut your visit with them short. You also get to have the option of not visiting them as much if they are nasty. It's not as gratifying as hearing your husband tell them off, but it's certainly a good start.

It really helps to anticipate the actions of these people (if possible), and communicate clearly when situations that arise with your partner before taking any forceful action-with exception. That exception is when the ILs are actively being violent or continuing to endanger you or your child. If they are, all bets can be off.

Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped to make boundaries right away-especially when we grow up in toxic or abusive environments where we are used to being controlled or have to "shut off" to cope with our crazy family. That doesn't mean we don't change. You have to in order to have a healthy marriage, but sometimes that takes a little time and understanding before it happens.

Of course there are situations where partners remain "blind." In those cases, it's best just to get a good attorney and leave them (if marriage counseling doesn't work). Otherwise, the only other option is to get bullied or to end up having to "parent" your partner to do the right thing-and those are both miserable places to be.

_Edit: I read some of this thread to my husband. Guess what his reaction was? He said he'd throw the OP's inlaws out in a heartbeat. He said, if he was in the OP's situation-regardless of whether they were my parents or his-he would have resorted to decking whoever grabbed his arm. This really shocked me (in a good way). I guess impending parenthood has made him tougher. It is good to know where he stands if we run into anything like this with either of our families._


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

I wouldn't worry about why she did it. I would tell her TO HER FACE there is no way is H-E double hockey sticks she is EVER watching my child again.

That is abuse. I'm so tired of hearing about people from another generation and back in there day and BLAH BLAH BLAH.. It's ABUSE.

I read a study once that prolonged crying like that can eventually lead to brain damage. Maybe you could google that and show her the study.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I know what she's thinking, because my mom was the same way. My mom told me, "That baby needs to learn to sleep in her crib on her own. I took the opportunity to teach her since you're obviously unwilling to do it." It isn't about not wanting to hold the baby. It's about undermining the parents' authority and doing things the parents disapprove of because the chance exists. And if this grandma is alone with that kid again, I PROMISE it will happen again. Every time they are alone together.

My daughter sleeps in her own crib and always has (well a pack a nd play in the beginning in my room) but by the time she was 3 months she was in her own room in her own crib. She may have fussed and whined for 2 minutes but she never had to CIO. I never let that baby scream. It hurts my heart. I guess what I am saying is, not all babies that sleep in cribs are left to scream. I rocked her and eventually I didn't have to do that anymore. I think ppl who let their kids CIO have issues themselves. It's about control.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMindedMomma* 
My daughter sleeps in her own crib and always has (well a pack a nd play in the beginning in my room) but by the time she was 3 months she was in her own room in her own crib. She may have fussed and whined for 2 minutes but she never had to CIO. I never let that baby scream. It hurts my heart. I guess what I am saying is, not all babies that sleep in cribs are left to scream. I rocked her and eventually I didn't have to do that anymore. I think ppl who let their kids CIO have issues themselves. It's about control.

I never said "all babies". It was about what my mom did to my baby.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I never said "all babies". It was about what my mom did to my baby.

No no, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to state my experience. I didn't think you were saying they all do at all. I'm sorry your mom did that. My mom tries to impose her will in different ways.. It's annoying!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMindedMomma* 
No no, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to state my experience. I didn't think you were saying they all do at all. I'm sorry your mom did that. My mom tries to impose her will in different ways.. It's annoying!









Ok, good. I didn't want you thinking I thought every baby in a crib had been left to CIO. I have a friend who moved her baby to a crib because he wouldn't sleep at night with her, and as soon as she moved him to a crib he was immediately happy and slept well. All babies are different.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *almadianna* 
You just dont let your MIL watch your baby again. It is that simple.

I agree with this quote.

No need to say anything at all. Actions speak louder. You can just exert your authority over your family and cut MIL out to the extent necessary to make you feel comfortable. A polite "no thanks" and "we're doing great, thanks" followed by a change in topic... or even stone silence... can be your mantra. At some point she'll get it that you are the mom. Eventually she may ask you or DH to be let in again. Then you and DH will be in a position of power, explaining the ground rules to a contrite MIL who has felt the consequences of her actions.

I strongly discourage writing to anyone in email or otherwise about conflict. The document lives forever and can make you look like the wacko when taken out of context.

I recommend all this based on my own experiences. (Well, not so heinous an experience as this CIO one, but nevertheless...)


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Any updates? Has dh gotten home and have you had a chance to talk to him?

I hope for your sake, the sake of your children, and honestly for the sake of your marriage that he behaves like the husband and father he should be. If not, you have a lot more problems on your hands than just your IL's.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

I would be so mad! I definately wouldn't let her babysit ever again, even while I was in the house. What nerve! She clearly has no respect for your parenting.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Yes, I was wondering about an update as well. I hope everything worked out good.


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## veganone (May 10, 2007)

Count me in as livid. I would have been FURIOUS and the fact that she laid her hands on you is actually scary. That would lead me to believe that she deals with things physically and would make me scared to leave LO alone with her for a LONG time.

I "fired" my mom from watching DD for several months. It sucked and was horribly uncomfortable, but DD's safety means more than any relationship with anyone, even my own mother (much less my MIL).

I would not leave your baby alone with her again. Period. And I would tell her why. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never permitted to touch you in that way again.

The fact that she was deceitful and so manipulative makes her completely untrustworthy. I'm glad it sounds like she lives far away so hopefully you won't have to deal with her very much.

I also hope that your DH isn't expecting you to be the one trying to "fix" your relationship with your MIL. She sounds horrible, and your DH should be defending YOU, not her. You're his wife.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

bumping for hopes of an update??


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

wow...I literally would have physically beaten MIL, like punched her repeatedly in the face until they pulled me off.
well, okay, no i wouldn't have, because *I* wouldn't have left dd with someone who I did not know and trust completely.


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## Chris10AS (Mar 14, 2006)

This thread really got my blood boiling. When I was reading your OP and you mentioned mil grabbing your arm I immediately thought that I would have slapped that UAV.









Update us soon!


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and *she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.*
i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.

That would be my take on it as well.


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## beansricerevolt (Jun 29, 2005)

WOW Just... wow!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

oh it would have been on like donkey kong, my mil is a fruitcake like that too. always saying "crying wont hurt them its good for the lungs"







...we were staying with my inlaws once for vacation (we're military so we dont see family much) and she slapped my oldest dd when she was only like 16 months old! basically here is what happend... I was giving DS who was only 2 months old at the time a bath, I told mil dd was not feeling well prior to this because she was teething and to kind of leave her alone. mil being the <insert bad name here> that she is was like yeah whatever (lady totally doesnt respect me as a mother and never probably will always undermining me etc) so mil as stupid as she is put her finger in DDs mouth (eww) and dd bites her (good I say). So my <insert bad name here> of a mil slaps her on the back... I almost beat the freaking poo out of her seriously, if my dh wouldnt have been there I would have laid the old broad out, you never hit my kids ever! MIL started crying blaming it on reflex or whatever but I dont give a poo you dont hit my kids. I am very confrontational so I had not problems handing her butt to her and I still dont. ((((((hugs to you)))))) she sounds like a real fruit loop.


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## jessicado (Feb 16, 2007)

Wow, I agree with everything said here. To disagree is one thing, but to do that in the 1/2 hour span or whatever that is her first chance and then to try and cover it up with music and then grab your arm?!?! I would've freaked out on her!
I also would have freaked out on the MIL who slapped the 16 month old...







: Seriously, what is wrong with people?!?!


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## leighann79 (Aug 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99* 
wow...I literally would have physically beaten MIL, like punched her repeatedly in the face until they pulled me off.
well, okay, no i wouldn't have, because *I* wouldn't have left dd with someone who I did not know and trust completely.

That seems a bit harsh. She left her daughter with _grandma_. Not a stranger. You would _think_ that you can trust Grandma for a half an hour.







(btw, the eye roll is at Grandma, not you.







)


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## NewMama2007 (Mar 4, 2007)

MIL has done/threatened to do things to dd that I don't agree with. Therefore, she does not get alone time with DD. She made a mistake, you corrected her and told her you don't wand your lo CIO, and she chose to do it again. She completely disrespected your choices as mama. What else would she do? Give your LO something dangerous to play with or eat? I wouldn't give her another chance. (I know I'm a little harsh here, but DD is almost 2 and this same thing has been going on for as long as she's been born, so...)


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Wow, I must be more mainstream than I thought. I don't advocate CIO and I think that the MIL blatantly disregarded the OP's wishes, but those of you that are saying they'd kick the woman out of the house, or physically beat her? Whoa.

Clearly, the MIL has a different parenting style AND some sort of desire to show the OP she knows "best", and I wouldn't leave my child with her anymore either, but I think some of these responses are a *tad* over the top.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chinaKat* 
Wow, I must be more mainstream than I thought. I don't advocate CIO and I think that the MIL blatantly disregarded the OP's wishes, but those of you that are saying they'd kick the woman out of the house, or physically beat her? Whoa.

Clearly, the MIL has a different parenting style AND some sort of desire to show the OP she knows "best", and I wouldn't leave my child with her anymore either, but I think some of these responses are a *tad* over the top.

I know people said they would physically slap her but I doubt many really would...In my situation though where my mil actually hit my kid, yeah I could have hit her, I felt like it, I almost did but she hit my child who couldnt defend herself. Hitting is wrong I know that it is but my mother instincts over power that urge if you physically harm my children and even with the CIO thing there is a difference between a second or a min of CIO than like 30 minutes and the baby is just physically sick or weak etc. Its just not ok and I could see feeling like I wanted to physically slap the poo out of someone who did that to my child. I let my mother insticts cloud my rational thoughts a lot and I think thats how most moms are.


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## Natalie's Mama (Dec 28, 2008)

Sorry, I've been out of town for a few days.

So I talked to DH and he was upset by the whole thing as well. Really it was more about the sneaky nature it was done. It is bad enough that she did it at all, but the way it was done was very childish and cruel (to dd and I)
I said there was zero chance that she was going to be alone in the room with DD let alone in the house. We decided that the best way to deal with it was to do nothing. She would argue until she was blue in the face. So that is what we did. She was planning on taking her last night for the evening and we just never went out. There has been a few times she has told me to leave the room, because I was "upsetting DD" (she had fallen forward trying to crawl and hit her face on the floor. She was crying and MIL figured that she was upset because I ran over to DD and she would calm down faster in MIL's arms. The fact that she hasn't seen MIL since she was a month old so she is more or less a stranger. But I digress) I just don't leave and if MIL says she will go change her or something DH or I will go with her. She is very strange with DD anyways. She says "oh Grandma wants to play with her", play for 2 or 3 minutes then put her down. I'm not sayign she has to put in an hour a time, but why remove her from FIL (who is fantastic with her!! I would leave her with him for sure! DD would never get a chance to rest though, he'd play with her until she passed out!)

It is totally getting to her, which makes me happy even if it is totally passive aggressive. I'm really sad actually that it will affect her relationship with her Grandma. I just can't see trusting her again. I loved getting to spend the night with my Grandma when I was growing up and I hoped for the same thing for DD. She has other grandparents, but it still feels like a big loss. I really didn't want my strained relationship with MIL to ever be noticed by DD, but I don't see a way around it now. Sucks, but oh well.

Anyways, I hear my babe stirring, so I gotta run. Sorry it took so long to update, it has been a crazy week.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad your DH is being supportive of you. I cannot believe your MIL actually told you to leave the room! That is absolutely crazy. You're definitely doing the right thing in not leaving your dd alone with her. It is such a shame that she can't be trusted alone with her granddaughter, but she has no one to blame but herself. I hope things get easier for you.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

It is sad that this might impact the longterm relationship.

Although I totally disagree with what your MIL did (I would have LOST it on her and probably smacked her hand if she was trying to restrain me), perhaps when DD is out of the baby stage things will get better. I found with my MIL I gained a bit more trust as DD became more independent and will have more as she is less at the mercy of adults...

Good luck!


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Thanks for the update and glad that dh is supporting you. I still can't believe she is acting up though.

and yeah, I'll say it again. Their relationship will never be what you would have allowed it to be b/c of your MIL. You have done nothing wrong.


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## Jezzy (Sep 20, 2006)

OMG! You have every right to be furious! I would NEVER let mil be alone with my child again! NEVER! I can't believe that she grabbed your arm and tried to stop you from going to your dc! That is nuts!


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

I would certainly not threaten with kicking my family (in law) out.
But I would make sure MIL wouldn't get alone time with my child, and be very vigilant when she's around. I've been like that with people I didn't trust enough with my babies, and that works. Not ideal, but way better than to totally condemn the family relationships.


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

Wow, you're handling it great. Just wanted to give you a







!


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## leighann79 (Aug 4, 2005)

Sounds like you have a great DH (so glad he agrees with you!) and you guys have a great plan. Keep up the good work, mama!


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

So glad your DH is on board and also very glad you've both resolved never to leave your daughter alone with your MIL again.

I find it chilling and quite creepy that she keeps demanding you leave the room so she can be alone with DD again. Why would she want that? Yikes.







:


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leighann79* 
Sounds like you have a great DH (so glad he agrees with you!) and you guys have a great plan. Keep up the good work, mama!

















:


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

what you said about her playing with your dd for two minutes and then stopping made me think about something. she may not have the slightest idea what to do with a baby. obviously her kids CIO (apparently not just at night either) so she probably has no idea what to do with a baby besides play with one for a few minutes and then put it down to cry.

it might be helpful if you give her a book to read to your dd or play with your dd with her so she can see what you do and hopefully learn to do the same. its also possible that she's a total fruitcake who thinks babies should be convenient and obedient all the time... but it can't hurt to try


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