# My Vent (open at your own risk)



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Can I just say that I am freaking TOTALLY SICK of people telling me that I lost my pregnancy because the baby wasn't normal.

WTF is wrong with people???? I had people tell me that right when it happened, when I told them about how we lost the baby.

Like that makes it ok somehow??

Does that make them feel better???

Do they have freaking compassion?

Why are people so stupid?? What the hell do they hope to accomplish with telling someone that their baby wasn't normal?








oh if only I could do that IRL.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

I don't think people get it sometimes... It was your baby.. I would never say that to you and I sorry other people say it.. I'm sorry you have to hear it.. Your baby isn't with you, and the only thing they need to say is "I'm sorry.. Are you ok.." Or "How are you doing?"










Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

I'm sorry Arduinna. I know how hurtful that is. I believe people say those "kinds" of things because it makes them feel better...makes them feel their world is still in order. I don't know.

I'm sorry.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

thanks you guys


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

So sorry Adruinna,
I agree I think people say these things cause it makes them feel better, like the universe couldn't possibly take away a perfectly healthy little one, like it's doing you a favor to take away one that isn't perfect. Not until you go through it do you realize that you would want to hold that baby no matter how inperfect he/she may be.


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)




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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

thanks


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## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

I wonder why more people dont think about how they would feel in that position if someone said that to them.

The baby we lost last summer was very definitely not normal. How is that comforting to know? I think sometimes people mean to say that if there was something wrong with the baby, that means you werent at fault, it was nothing you did. In my case, I most likely could have prevented it, had I known about my medical condition. KNOWING that your baby is deformed is as unjust as the miscarraige itself - why to you, why to your baby?

Thinking that you should be consoled by the fact that a baby lost was not normal is akin to saying that if you had delivered a live baby that was not normal you would not have loved it so much as a normal one.
When we are pregnant we fall in love with this baby, surrounded by all the worries & unknowns. We wonder if our baby will look a certain way, we worry that our baby is healthy. We worry so much because we love so much. Already. Despite the unknown.

I wonder why people cant just say I am sorry & hold you in their love - why do they feel the need to say something more? Why do they need to try to fix something that cant be fixed?

(too bad when somebody says "there was probably something wrong with the baby, its all for the best" we cant say "I guess since you haven't lost a baby,you dont realize how incredibly stupid that was to say. It doesnt feel all for the best to me!")

(((HUGS)))


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## daria (Feb 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry, Arduinna. I agree it is a terrible thing for people to say. My niece was born with special needs so she is not "normal" but that doesn't mean our family loves her any less. None of us would ever think it would have been better for her to not have been born. She was special and loved from the moment her existence was known, just like your baby was.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

man, i haven't had anyone say that about the babies i lost... i'm afraid i would have given them an earful!

arduinna, it's so hard when you are the one who must carry the load of compassion on your own... so many lessons from this little one! just remember that most people have not had to suffer the depth of a loss like this, and it makes them desperate to say things to "help," even if they are the wrong things. try to hear the concern and support in their voices, even if they are being complete jerks.

i'm so sorry you are getting this crap from people, though. how hard this must be for you! your baby was exactly what s/he needed to be, and you were the momma that baby needed right now, and to heck with the morons who can't see or understand that.

hugs,

katje


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starfairy*
(too bad when somebody says "there was probably something wrong with the baby, its all for the best" we cant say "I guess since you haven't lost a baby,you dont realize how incredibly stupid that was to say. It doesnt feel all for the best to me!")

I'm still very new to my loss so bear in mind that this advice might be out of the anger stage of grief...but...Who says you can't say that. I've found that making a person realize that their comment was completely out of line does make them uncomfortable. However, I hope that this means the next time they attempt to talk to someone who has endured a loss they won't be so freakin stupid. If the person is truly your friend and is concerned about you, they will get over the fact that you bluntly pointed out their stupid comment. If they hold it against you and don't talk to you again, is that really a bad thing given what they keep saying?

Just my two cents.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Thank you all so much ((HUGS)) what lovely heartfelt replies. They do really help. Amazingly it's been 6 years since our loss but this still hurts.

And I agree we can say in essense" you don't know what your talking about". Sometimes we get so caught unaware that the comment is coming that we don't know what to say, so we say nothing. I've had both responses on different occasions.


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

I used to chant o myself with clenched teeth

theyhavethebestofintetionstheyhavethebestofintenti ons, and just smile at them.

Most people have no idea how that stuff sounds when it comes out.
It makes me want to bite them, but generally they really do have the best of intentions.

For the truly obtuse, I'm direct and go into excruciating detail about the complex causes that can kill perfectly normal babies.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Arduinna, big hugs to you







You know my thoughts and feelings on this - it infuriates me too! I want to scream "no, the baby wasn't 'normal' it was DEAD".

It's been a few years since I looked throught the latest research, but last I read under 10% of miscarried babies were shown to have abnormalities.

Also, why is that somehow ok if the baby had abnormalities? A child you lose is a child you lose, you wanted a baby, you loved your baby, you lost your baby - it truly is that simple.

Sorry, something obviously touched that off in you today







I'm glad you came here for support.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

s

i've felt that way too. after my 1st miscarriage, i tried telling myself that there must have been something wrong with the baby, it was just not the right time, it wasn't meant to be... etc., etc.... but that only made it worse.

what i had to finally realize was that i was grieving because i had lost my child.

when i accepted that, i was able to move on.

unfortunately, too many people don't understand that. i don't think it's because they're trying to be insensitive or they just don't care, but that they _just don't get it_. kwim?


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)




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## HRC121799 (Aug 8, 2003)

I hope that people just aren't thinking when they say stuff like that, and hopefully they don't really mean it. Too bad they couldn't just say "I'm so sorry, I'm here for you" and leave it at that. Saying maybe something was wrong with the baby never helps. My MIL said that to me with the first baby we lost("it was better that it happened now, there was probably something wrong with the baby"). I was just sort of stunned and said "yeah, maybe". I know she had absolutely no clue and was probably floundering for anything to say to me. Doesn't make it any easier to hear though. {{{{hugs}}}}


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

you know, this thread reminds me of something else someone said to me, after one of my miscarriages... we were out driving, and i told him what had happened, and he curtly responded, "that's ok, you weren't really financially ready for another little one anyway." i was so stunned i couldn't even respond, i just sat there in silence the rest of the trip and went home and cried.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Yeah, me too, this last m/c my mother in law went out of her way to call me and tell me that maybe this was just God's way of telling us that people shouldn't have kids if they aren't married--I mean, have you ever heard of something so stupid?? Oh, oh course Marie, that would be the same reasoning behind why crack addicts can get pregnant and carry to term with little or no issues, YEAH, right.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Ugh, my mom lost a child at birth and her MIL said at least it wasn't a boy.

WTF!!!!!!

Some people are just so freaking stupid. Well stupid probably isn't accurate, cruel would be better.

thanks for the hugs everyone.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Here's one more for you.










I'm sorry. So many people don't think before they speak. I call it kneejerk talking.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
this last m/c my mother in law went out of her way to call me and tell me that maybe this was just God's way of telling us that people shouldn't have kids if they aren't married...





































Ooooo, those kind of comments burn me......

I had a miscarriage when I was 22 and the thing that hurt the most was "Maybe it was for the best." That hurt me to the core. My feelings and pain were completely discredited by everyone.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

My god. This thread reads like the very special hurt that women give to other women. It's our birthright, apparently, to be get it hard from our sisters.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Slipping into my time travel machine . . . Setting controls for 6 years ago.

Arduinna, Honey.







I am so sorry you lost your precious baby. I'm sure it hurts, and I'm hurting for you.

I'm gonna warn you that people are going to say a lot of stupid things to you, because they don't know what else to say, or they want to make you feel better, or themselves feel better, or they can't stand being uncomfortable for even one second. Why they do it isn't really that important.

What is important is that THEY ARE WRONG! It wasn't for the best, your baby was perfect in your heart, you have suffered a real loss, and you are entitled to be sad, and to cry and greive, and to go on when YOU are ready.

Again, honey I'm really sad for you. Call me if you need anything.









Climbing back into my time machine, setting the present.

Arduinna,

Oh, how I wish you and everyone else hadn't had to go through that. If you give me names and address I'll be happy to go







them for you. Some people just need to be wacked with a stupid stick.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Oh I'm getting a little chuckle at the thought our little mom enforcers group we have going, lol

don't mess with the moms on a rampage!

((HUGS))


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

What is it about the worst moments of your life that brings the asshole out in some people?


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I appreciate everyones honesty...


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

Someone mentioned to my husband yesterday, she works in mental health - she should be over that already. UGH! Another I loved was well, I guess that's why you don't tell people for 3 months. That stung a bit.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

quote
"Someone mentioned to my husband yesterday, she works in mental health - she should be over that already. UGH! Another I loved was well, I guess that's why you don't tell people for 3 months. That stung a bit."

Yeah, and my dogs are perfect angels and always shiny clean--right--since when does working in a field make you immune to life.


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## OneCatholicMommy (Jan 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy*









What is it about the worst moments of your life that brings the asshole out in some people?









abimommy, I'd love to quote you!!!!! I LOVE THAT STATEMENT!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Yes abimommies post is a classic!

And farmlife, OMGosh ((HUGS)) that person obviously doesn't get that mental health is not hiding your feelings and greiving on someone elses schedule.

UGH! andother hammer moment


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Today as I was leaving work I said "Have a good weekend." to someone and she said "Yes, Happy Moth...." and stopped. Luckily I was walking by her and never stopped in the first place so I didn't have to see her face as she stopped herself from wishing a non-mother a Happy mother's day.

(I'm saying this very sarcastically, by the way)


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

SweetTeach, may I finish that statement? Happy Mother's Day! It's amazing how people just don't have a clue. People just don't have a clue.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Farmlife, _thank you!_ and the same to you, my dear! I'm so glad I have people in my life who know better.


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