# EXACTLY what to expect with a m/c~~Please tell your stories~~what do you see?



## Karennnnn

Hi moms








I decided to start this thread because it seemed like there was a common hush about exactly what happens during a m/c and what you see. Specifically I am talking about looking at the baby, describing what he/she looked like and how it made you feel. I'm not sure if it's because it's too painful to describe what happened, or if we think it might be too painful for others to read, or if maybe we might think it's too graphic....
But I learned tonight that it can be very therapeautic.
So a disclaimer here--if you think this may stir up emotions that you aren't ready to feel, or if this may be too heavy for you, please stop here.

For me it was a little different. I just experienced a blighted ovum and learned about it around week 10. The u/s showed a 6 week placenta/sac.
I still felt a loss, but mostly I have been a little frustrated and very disappointed. I'm not the world's most patient person and having to start over again for me just seems to suck.
I'm not a good first trimester person. Constantly pouring over the internet and books waiting to see when my baby will look like a baby, when each ear pops through, when the paddles turn into arms.... I just can't wait for each step. Plus being a chronic HPT'er who has access to doing them via serum rather than urine, I find out earlier than the average person. I'm crazy, by the way ;o)
Almost exactly a week from when I went to the ER with spotting, I m/c on my own. It took about an hour and began with period like cramping. Prior to it, I was experiencing period type bleeding but not many clots (very tiny ones if any), and no cramping at all.
So when I started cramping I knew that was probably it.
It was just like labor because I remember not wanting to move AT ALL which is how I felt with both of my labors. So I just waited and breathed... It felt like early to mid labor. I felt a few gushes from time to time but after one of them I immediately felt COMPLETELY different and it was over. I kind of thought it was a break because I didn't feel anything come out, yet I felt so different, just very alert. Strange.
So I went to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, PLOP! It really shocked me. I fished it out and it was the placenta. It was kind of the size and shape of half of a large banana. I didn't see a sac which is what I really wanted to take a look at. I thought maybe it had broken and was part of what I thought was a membrane on the placenta.
I left if alone for a while but then went back to it because I just had to take a look at this wonderful thing that my body had made even though it didn't house a baby. I still felt like it was a special and marvelous thing.
It kind of looked like a tumor!!!
I nosed around in it for a while and then saw on the surface a tiny clear spot and scraped away what was on top of it and found the sac! I was just amazed at how tough it was. I guess it would make sense for it to be tough, but you just never realize! It was the size of a grape which kind of confused me, I thought it would be bigger. I had to pop it to look inside in case there was something there that the u/s didn't see. Also just because of curiosity. For some funny reason I was thinking "We have clear fluid!" LIke there'd be meconium (too much baby story lol).
After that I put it in a baggie and put it into the freezer. I'm not sure what to do with it since we don't own the home we live in right now and don't want to bury it some place where I won't be staying. I just feel as if I should respect it and keep it and do something cool with it. I made it! I'm proud of it anyway. It's what made my boobs sore for 2 months. It's an amazing thing.
I'm amazed at my body for doing it on its own. This is the first birth I've had where my body decided when to birth and not a doctor. This could have happened too--an ob could have asked me to have a d&c just like they asked me to be induced. TWICE.
But I did it naturally and easily at home. A nice preparation for my upcoming homebirth which will hopefully happen within a year's time.
I realize I was very lucky; I've read of many women who have problems afterwards with excessive bleeding and what have you. But it's important for everyone to share the experience that THEY had so we can understand how everyone is different and also have an idea of the different scenarios.
I also realize how lucky I am in another respect; that because I've had two normal, healthy full term pregnancies, I am confident that I can produce another one. That's not to say I'm not scared to death that something can go awry; I can't stop thinking about it sometimes. But at least I can be at peace knowing that my body can do it.
Some of you mommas have some very difficult stories to tell and don't have the luxury of *knowing*. My heart goes out to you and I know that your strength can come from a place just as important.
Take care








Karen


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## milk_maker

Wow, this is going to be a pretty hard thread for a lot of people. I'll post mine but it was a long time ago so time has softened the memory some.

I went to my appointment and went through w/ the PAP and all that uncomfortable stuff. The nurse tried to find a heart beat, but was unable to and since I didn't know my exact date she figured that I was further behind than initially believed. The next evening I started spotting blood. I called the advice line Monday morning and they had me come in for an appointment. DH (then DF) came with me and after a short exam I was sent to the hospital for an u/s. When I got the u/s done the baby was already spiraling apart. I couldn't really recognize any features or anything and the baby had been dead for a while, but I don't remember all of the details. I was sent home and told that it would pass on it's own.

Skip to Wednesday evening. I'm just getting ready for bed and I feel a gush. I run to the bathroom and blood just begins to pour out of me. There are thick clots and blood filling the toilet. I was supposed to save everything and bring it to the doctor w/ me after everything was done, but I just couldn't bring myself to fish anything out. I was too scared to look for the baby so my MIL looked for me, but didn't find anything. I put a new pad on and went back to bed. I was lying there about two minutes and realized that I was lying in a puddle of blood. DH went to get his mother (we were staying with her for the time) and she rushed me to the ER. When I got into the ER I stumbled in with blood running down my legs and onto the floor. They rushed me in and took my vitals. That's when I started puking. I was handed a plastic bag with a hard plastic rim and measurement marks on it so they can tell how much I've thrown up. I filled one up almost immediately and was working on my second one when I was put into an exam room. I ran into the bathroom and was alternately throwing up and having explosive diarrhea while bleeding all over the place. I was hooked up to an IV and they pumped me full of demerol and all kinds of other stuff. Don't know. Once that demerol hit me, everything was okay. I just turned my head to the wall and cried while my MIL stroked my hair. I was admitted around 3 am and don't remember getting to my room. I went through a D&C sometime during the next day. All I remember was being crucified and someone telling me to close my eyes and it would all be okay. I was released the same day around 4 pm. I was totally drained, white as a sheet, and felt so empty. I was kept in OBGYN/L&D during my stay and I remember hearing babies crying and thinking they were my baby. It was hard. The thing I remember most about my m/c was the pain and humiliation. I was throwing up/crapping myself/bleeding everywhere while doubled over in pain. That was the most pain I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. I felt as if a hand was grabbing my uterus and ripping it into pieces while pulling it out of my body. I'll never forget the pain...and the sorrow. I'm so happy to be PG now, but at the same time my pregnancy is tinged w/ a hint of sorrow and hesitancy. I'm a little more reassured now because this one is sooo different from my first, but I still find myself thinking "if this pregnancy is successful" from time to time.


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## mclisa

I had some light spotting on a Thursday. Then on Friday I had horrible cramps. I took 4 motrin and it didn't even touch it. It felt so strong. Still very little bleeding. I had an u/s that afternoon which only showed a thickened endometrium.They drew a progesterone and hCG levels just more to confirm what we suspected. I had some bleeding on that Saturday and got the call from the doctor saying that the levels were too low. Then on Sunday the floodgates opened. Very heavy and I passed several large clots as well as tissue, but no pain like I felt on Friday. I was never dizzy nor did I pass out. I had lighter bleeding the rest of the week and it finally resolved on that Thursday. Though the following Sunday I spotted again, but nothing else. My doctor wasn't able to do the u/s for me, but I did meet up with him later that week just to talk things over. I also had a follow up appointment a week after that again just to talk (no exam). It was just a time to cry on his shoulders, vent a little, and be given permission to move on (when I was ready.) I had the OK to start ttc as soon as DH and I were ready. I got my cycle back right away (so unfortunately did not conceive on that first go around.)

I took some time off from work the week after the m/c. Sent the kids to daycare and DH and I went on long walks (and also out to a movie.)

McLisa


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## annakiss

I just wanted to say thank you all for posting these stories. I've never had a miscarriage, but I've never read or heard about what can happen when one does have one. It's enlightening and educational to say the least. When I do get pregnant again, I will be somewhat nervous as I was the last time about the prospect of losing the baby. It is helpful to know what that might look like. So thank you. And I'm so sorry for your losses.


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## SagMom

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish I'd had this thread to read a couple of weeks ago.

On Wed. 8/18 I began spotting, just a little and it was brown, but I *knew* it was not a good thing. My midwife encouraged me to rest, and not to panic, that spotting was not unusual, etc. Thursday morning it hadn't stopped so I went to the OB for an ultrasound. The OB kept trying to be positive, telling me that brown spotting was better than red, that it was a good sign that my cervix was closed, that, due to my age, I may just need some progesterone--but I *knew*.

We immediately saw the baby on the ultrasound and I waited and waited for her to comment on it. She took some measurements, then went on to identify other parts. I couldn't wait any longer so I just said, "There's no heartbeat." and she replied, "No." The baby was also measuring 2 weeks smaller than she should have. (I say "she" not because we knew, but because of a feeling I had, and a dream.)

The OB really, really pushed me to have a D&C but my midwife was supportive of my choice not to. Myfeeling was that my body was already doing what it was supposed to do--it had recognized that there was a problem with the pregnancy and it was preparing to abort it. I had no reason to believe that it wouldn't continue the process. Besides, I wanted to avoid the risks of surgery/anesthesia. On an emotional note, a D&C seemed violent to me and I felt that I needed to go through the process rather than just wake up in recovery and be empty.

Anyway, the spotting continued from Wed. through Sat. On Sat. I had labor-like pains that I needed to focus on and breathe through. I spent a lot of time in the tub, which helped. In the evening, I began passing large clots and gushes of blood. My midwife has cautioned me that using more than one pad in 20 min would be cause for concern. From around 7pm--9pm I bleed a lot and we decided to go to the ER. In the 10 min. trip to the hospital, I soaked not only a pad, but my clothing, and 2 cloth diapers--blood was running down my legs as we got to the ER and I was very, very scared.

I was still passing a lot of tissue and the nurse kept looking for the baby. I stabilized on my own, fortunately, and the bleeding slowed without intervention. All they ended up doing was giving me iv fluids and monitoring me. They were surprisingly supportive of my wishes to avoid a D&C if at all possible. I went home around midnight and by 2 a.m. the gushes had stopped completely.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday it looked just like a period. I was tired and pale but felt that it was over. On Wednesday I woke up feeling profoundly and overwhelmingly sad, as if I was falling into some dark hole. At noon, with no warning, I felt something pass. It was the sack, about 3" x 2". I was shocked, because the OB had said the baby was so small I might not notice it, and because the ER doc felt that, while they hadn't seen the baby, surely I must have passed it. It was exactly one week from my first spotting.

I immediately felt a difference in my mood. I can't say that I was happy, but the dark pressure I'd felt earlier had lifted. I opened the sack, because I needed to see and because I was just so amazed. The walls were very thick--like Karen said, that surprised me--there was fluid inside and then the baby, about 3/4 of an inch long. Pure white. I could see the head but not make out any facial features. I saw arms and legs and body. We buried her in the garden and placed a plant in that spot which will flower during the time that I carried her.

Although it was hard, and overwhelmingly sad, the process gave me time to mourn and a way to say goodbye.

No one irl seems to want to hear how this all happened, but I really needed to tell the story and to hear others' stories, to know that my feelings are shared and that others understand. I understand that not everyone will be able to read this thread, but thank you so much for starting it, Karen. I think it will help a lot of women.


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## EMZ

I can't tell you what it "looks" like but I can tell you what it feels like.

I woke up Monday (my birthday) with severe pain - felt like the final stage of labor and I was bleeding all over the place. After 5 or 10 minutes the pains stopped and so did the bleeding. I didn't bleed again all day.

I woke up Tuesday with the severe pains again and bleeding. I felt as though I was hemmoraging. I sat on toilet and it felt as though the blood was pouring out of me. I got sweaty, light headed and dizzy. I lay on floor in fetal position on floor while I have dh call for an ambulance. My 18 month old cries and tries to nurse off me - I let her.

Pain lasts for several hours till ER staff can give me IV with pain meds.

I asked my midwife when it was all over why I couldn't miscarry without pain (afterall, I birthed my first child with no pain meds after 52 hours of labor). She explained how I went from no labor into final stage of labor with no "gradual build up" in between to mentally prepare me.

It was, by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me.


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## katlover

I was 13 weeks pg when I started having SEVERE headaches.Went to OB after tylenol no help.At 12 weeks we both heard baby hb fine.Headaches continued for 3 weeks.At 13,14 wk heard no hb.At 16 week exem dr still heard no hb.He had me go to the other room for us "just to put your(my)mind at ease".On external us tech said things too small so do pelvic us.After a couple mins tech said "i have to tell you that I don't see a heartbeat and the baby is measuring small." After dr confirmed baby had died I had to choose how to get things over with. I chose to go to hospital and be 'induced'.I did not want a D&C except as a very last resort.I got to the hospital at 2pm on August 11th 2004.At 5:15pm I took my first dose of cytotec,after about 2 1/2 hours cramping began. I finally asked for pain med about 1am with 3rd dose of cytotec.I delivered my baby at 1:38am Aug 12th. During 'labor' I asked nurse thousands of ?s.
I was afraid of what my baby would look like since dr said he was gone about 2-3 weeks.After I had baby I asked dr if she could tell what sex baby was.I looked at nurse then she gave me the OK to look.The dr moved the twig size leg over and asked "Do you see that?" What I saw was that I had just delivered my 3rd son..Christopher.He was absolutely perfect,tiny yes but perfect.He was 5 1/8 in long and 2 oz. He had everything...eyes tiny ears fingers that still looked chose together,fully formed legs,nose with nostrils,everything but hair...he was perfect.
I still miss him every day.I should be feeling him move inside of me everyday now so it is very hard.I will love him forever.


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## sleet76

Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. I am so sorry for all your losses.

Last January, I had an early miscarriage, at about 6.5 weeks. However, I think things were wrong from the very beginning. I had been having a tiny bit of brown spotting from about the time of ovulation until I got a positive pregnancy test (at about 4 weeks). When I got the positive, I called my OB to make a first appointment. I mentioned that I'd had a little spotting, and the nurse had me come in for beta blood testing. I went in that day for the first round, and two days later for the 2nd. The numbers weren't doubling like they should have been, so I had a good idea at that point that things were not going to work out. I re-took the test two days after that, and the numbers really didn't go up at all, so I knew this pregnancy was not viable.

So then I just waited for the m/c to happen. It took about two weeks of waiting, and since the baby had died so early, I really didn't experience much more than a normal period. It did announce itself a little more strongly than a normal period would with fairly strong cramps out of nowhere (nothing like labor pains, though). I bled for about a week, a little more heavily than a normal period, and I didn't pass any clots that I noticed.


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## gristastic

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I miscarried an underdeveloped twin at 11 weeks, during this pregnancy.

It seemed to start when I passed i rather large blob of mucus in the morning. It was a little weird, kinda fiberous, with some "stuff" in it, but I didn't see any blood, so I really didn't think anything of it at the time. I didn't inspect or prod it very much.

Started spotting in the afternoon, with light cramping.

I went to bed and woke up to blood (can't remember if I had any clots) and more cramping. The midwife said that I was likely having a miscarriage, and I could either go to the hospital, or I could just hang out at home. -I went to work, but quickly realized that was a mistake, and went immediately to the hospital.

An ultrasound revealed that we still had one live baby and a second, now empty sac. The bleeding and spotting continued for a week or two and then stopped completely. The ER doc told me that the second twin had miscarried earlier, and that my body would likely absorb the second sac. Later, a nurse came in and told me that there "possiblly never was a baby in the second sac at all, so _ shouldn't feel so bad."

So, I guess that I will never really know if there was ever another baby, or what happened. And, sometimes that makes it hard to sort out my feelings.

I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.

Birth loss is complicated business. I just wish that more of our medical professionals could help us figure out how to best deal with it._


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## SagMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gristastic*

I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.


You absolutely should NOT shut up!! I think that's what this thread is about. There doesn't seem to be any other place to talk about this so frankly. I think that miscarriage is one topic, in a long line of topics, that are taboo. Women's issues are often silenced in our society. There was a time that no one talked about menstruation and what to expect, or childbirth and what to expect, and certainly miscarriage is one of those subjects that people are uncomfortable talking about.

For me, seeing the sack and baby was important to my mourning. I *do* understand your need to know, and I'm sorry for your loss and for the questions that you're dealing with.

I think that sharing our experiences is about more than just educating each other about the different ways this can happen--it's about being able to express our feelings about it without anyone saying, "At least you have other kids" or "You can always try again" or any other comments that make us feel unentitled to our feelings about this experience.

Okay, stepping down from the soapbox now.


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## chow46

I was 14 weeks along when I had mine. It was different for me, though. This might sound crazy and please don't judge harshly but I wasn't completely convinced I was pg. I had a 4 month old son (my first) and had a lot of complications after birth so my dr. was convinced the symptoms I was having were due to that, not pregnancy.

It started about 7:00 am, right as my dh was leaving for work, I started cramping. I remember thinking, oh, now I'm finally going to get my period. It got stronger and stronger. About 9 am, I was *very* uncomfortable and starting to worry. My son was crying so I got ready to feed him when I felt the first gush. When I went to check, I saw nothing and decided I must have had some incontinence (I had been having probs with that since he was born). So, I grabbed my son again and sat down on the couch. I felt another awful cramp and another gush. This time, it was blood. I was sitting in the bathroom when the baby came. It was pretty awful. The placenta would not come unattached and with the cord being so short, it snapped as I was trying to get to the phone. I had to call the ambulance because I was bleeding so badly and couldn't take care of my son.

In the hospital, I had to get a D&C and they also gave me a couple of pints of blood since I had bled so badly. The hospital was very good and allowed my dh to see the baby.

The big thing I was not expecting was that my milk came in. That was very painful.

The biggest emotional pain came from the fact that I kept ignoring my instincts and body signs and if I had paid attention and insist to my dr that yes, I was pg, I maybe could have stopped it. It's very difficult and has taken a long time to get over.


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## niteflower

For me, everything happened in about two days. On Saturday evening two weeks ago, I started spotting. And right then, I knew it wasn't good. I told my mom about it and she called the nurse help line, and they told me that everything was fine and that it's normal. For some reason, I just felt like this wasn't a good sign and it wasn't going to be normal. So, I went to bed trying to think good thoughts. Nothing had changed by Sunday morning (I was still spotting a little), so my DH and I went to his grandparents for a birthday party in the late afternoon. My DH was sweet and made sure I didn't need to get up a lot and had me take it easy while we were there. But when we got home later that evening, I went to the bathroom and noticed that the bleeding had gotten significantly worse. In a panic, I told my DH that we had to go to the ER because I knew this wasn't good. Well, we got there and they didn't tell us much. Since I was only 10 1/2 weeks along, they couldn't hear the heartbeat on those machines (and they didn't have a tech on duty to perform an U/S). They said that everything should be fine, but just in case they ran a few tests. Those tests all came back fine (including the pregnancy test they took, which said positive). Well, that took about 2 hours, and after we had gotten home and had been there for about an hour, I went to the bathroom because I started getting cramps. And just like Karen, as soon as I sat on the toilet, my baby came out - no warning or anything. I was totally shocked and didn't know what to do. After getting over the first initial shock and realizing what had just happened, I bawled my eyes out. That was not what I was expecting at all. I was too scared to pick it up, more or less for fear of realizing what it actually was and I just didn't want to admit it. My DH and I went to the OB the next morning, and they did an U/S which confirmed what I already knew. Everything was empty and they said that I had had a complete miscarriage. Sadly, this was my first pregnancy and my first U/S. I never even got to see it inside of me. I wasn't supposed to have one done until I was 12 weeks. But I didn't expect to be completely empty when they did the U/S. I was hoping to at least see something there. But what I don't get is that the whole process took a whole entire 30 hours. Everywhere I read, it takes a week or two. And what confuses me even more is the positive test the nurse in the ER took. Does that mean that my baby was alive at that time, and somewhere between the 2 hours they took the test and my miscarriage, that it died? Because I've heard of people going through miscarriages and they take a pregnancy test and it comes up negative. Thank you for listening and also for starting this thread. This has got to be the best one I've come across because I've never read anything like this. I just wish I would've found it a couple weeks ago.

Angela


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## alliwenk

First, a huge hug to all of you here...I almost didn't post here because my miscarriage seems so paltry compared to your stories







. I miscarried 17 days ago at no more than 4 weeks by my count. I had 2 positive tests and woke up one night with bad cramping and 10 days of bleeding. This sounds so wrong, but I am glad that, if I HAD to miscarry, that dh & I didn't have time to get too excited about the baby. I did buy a baby gown though, which is so hurtful right now...sorry, I'm rambling. Love to all of you.


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## Karennnnn

Big hugs to all of you guys. Like Alli, I feel like what I went through was peanuts compared to other stories.
Seems like some situations aren't so bad, and others are the direct opposite.

Angela,
The test they did in the ER was probably a quantitative HCG. HCG is the hormone that the placenta makes to help continue the pregnancy. After you miscarry, and even after a full term birth, the HCG stays in your system for a very long time, up to a month or sometimes even more. So, even if you were miscarrying, your pregnancy test would come up positive.
For example, when I went to the ER my test was 19000, two days later it was 17000 (this was about 4 days before I m/c). A week after the placenta and sac passed (this past Monday) it was still 450.
A home pregnancy test usually detects 25 or more.
Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense to you.
From the time I began spotting to the actual m/c, it was about a week. It doesn't surprise me that yours went so quickly. Sometimes we have no warning at all and your body just does what it needs to do.
I'm surprised that the ER didn't do more for you. It's very odd that they didn't have anyone to do an u/s!!! Did they at least tell you to follow up with another blood test just to make sure? I guess it doesn't matter now, but all I'm saying is that they weren't very on the ball from what it sounds like. Sounds like they were like "Oh well", know what I mean???
Spotting IS very common and in a lot of cases doesn't mean a darn thing. However, if a mom feels in her gut that something is wrong, they should listen.
Take care of yourself








Karen


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## gristastic

Joan, thank you! Sometimes, we, as women don't give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel. It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again. I really appreciated what you've posted, and I needed to hear it. Thanks, again.


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## SagMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gristastic*
It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again.

You said it, hon!!


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## SunnyDay

I just want to say thank you for starting this thread. It came at a perfect time for me. My story is one of the less in comparison ones as well. I ended up miscarrying yesterday. I was 8w3d.
I started spotting on Thursday evening--brownish watery blood, but not much, for 24 hours. On Friday evening, it turned red, but was still pretty light. Sometime on Sat, there started being little drips of red blood when I went to the bathroom, but still not much on the pad. I had mild cramping off and on this whole time. Same kind of stuff on Sun, maybe a bit larger drops. Then yesterday, bleeding actually seemed to get a bit lighter. I started getting heavier cramping and LBP mid morning. Just before I passed the sac, the cramping was similar to light labor pains, which came and went. I felt the need to push, and out came the sac into the toilet. I don't think there was anything in it, it just felt like part of it was a little more thick than the rest.
Like Joan said, I felt almost immediately better--sad, but different. So differently physically as well. Now this morning the bleeding is very light, with virtually no cramping (just a twinge every once in awhile)
Thank you for being here to share with everyone. It helps....







2







2 to all of you as we get through.
Michelle


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## mommabear

I just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I knew I was starting to miscarry yesterday and I stumbled on this thread. It really helped me to mentally prepare for today. I lost a baby in 2002, but it was a missed miscarriage, so the baby died and my body never expelled it. I had to have a D & C, so I have never experienced what I am now. Thank you all for being so kind and brave in sharing your stories.


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## JessicaS

Thanks you everyone for sharing.

Would y'all like me to sticky this thread so it wll be availible to others facing the same thing?


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## s_kristina

I'm pretty new here and haven't posted to this section before, but I have been looking around for a couple days. This is the first time I have written this out so I hope I can get it all written out. I should be due some time in mid March, but I knew that something was not right from the same time I first knew I was pg. I was just starting to get excited and thinking about the baby when I was about 7 weeks along. July 31st dh and I sat down on the couch to watch LOTR Return of the King and he fell asleep less then half way in. Not long after he fell asleep I started cramping pretty bad. I knew what was happening so I just tried to relax through the cramping as best I could and just let things happening. I spotted a little that evening, but the next day around noon was when I really started bleeding. I never passed any 1 large clot that could be identified as anything, but I did have a very bad day Monday. DH stayed home from work with me and I either laid in bed trying to get some rest or was in the bathroom. I bled heavy for several days, but it started tappering off within a week and by 10 days it was pretty well done. I never went to an ob or mw, but I did call my ob. My ob is pretty great about letting your body do its thing and just told me to watch for super heavy bleeding or fever. I did have an odd next cycle it was only 3 weeks and I think I only then totally finished the m/c.


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## kathywiehl

This is a wonderful thread- I wish something like this had been available when I went through this in 2002.

I was 7 wk 1 day pg according to LMP and I had a very tiny amount of brown spotting and some cramping, so I called my midwife in tears and she got me an appointment at the local ER to do an ultrasound and HCG test. She told me that most likely nothing would be wrong and that this was just to ease my mind. During that US, we heard the heartbeat and saw the baby on the screen and we were so releived to see "him" that we even brought our oldest daughter (8 at the time) to see everything and hear the heartbeat. The tech said everything looked fine. Her instructions were to have me wait in the waiting room while the radiologist looked at the US results. About 20 minutes later I was called back into the office and the tech handed me the phone and told my that my midwife wanted to speak with me. When I picked up the phone, Aimee, my midwife, told me that my HCG was really low for 7 weeks, the heartbeat was too slow, and that the sac was measuring only 5 weeks. She told me that I would miscarry.

I of course, lost it completely. The whole hospital must've known I was there, cause I was hysterical! A half hour earlier I had been smiling with joy at the site of my little baby and the sound of his heartbeat. But now I knew this little one was about to die. It broke my heart.

I went to work every day after that and had more hcg tests, none of them looking promising. I frantically searched online for information about women whose babies had survived under those conditions, but I found few. I insisted that my midwives prescribe progesterone in the hopes that it would help.

Mother's Day was the following Sunday and somehow I managed to get up the courage to go out to dinner with my family. At the restaurant, I saw so many babies and pregnant women, I just wanted to die, it was so sad.

The following morning, I woke up and went to work and something hit me- I needed an ultrasound immediately. I knew something had happened, so I cancelled my appointments for the day and called my midwife who was very understanding and made me another appointment at a Women's Health Clinic for an ultrasound. I remember waiting in the waiting room hearing Ella Fitzgerald singing "At Last" over the radio. I loved that song and I thought, "This is one of my favorite songs, maybe it's sign that everything will be okay" Then I went in to have the US and the tech broke the news to me that my baby had died. I was told to go straight to the midwives office and when I got in my car I didn't even know how to get there anymore. I drove down the wrong way of a one way street, got lost and finally an hour later made it to the midwives office and cried my eyes out some more.

Two days later I was resting on the couch when I felt a pain, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and blood just gushed out. I kept cramping and bleeding, so much that I couldn't even get off the toilet. I was home alone so I called my husband at work and got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back immediately. Then I heard a huge plop in the toilet and when I looked down everything was red except for this little sac and when I picked it up I saw my little baby. He looked exactly like a 6 week old fetus looked in my books, except for only one arm bud had started to develop. He was still in the sac and I could see eyes, a heart, beginnings of a spine, a little tail that was beginning to dissapear. At that moment I freaked out and called the midwives. It was their lunch hour so I got the answering service and was called back immediately and I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone as she listened to me sob and tell her how I was holding my tiny littly baby in my hand and sitting on the toilet bleeding. I was still home alone so I called my friend Lisa, then my mom, while I waited for my husband to come home. We rushed to the midwives office because by the late afternoon, I was so exhausted from the ordeal that I could barely get up and Mike thought I was bleeding too much.

I just cried and cried off and on for 2 weeks. I thought I was going crazy for not getting over it quickly- everyone said such stupid things to me.

I had one cycle then got pregnant immediately and now Madelyn is 18 months old. I still cry about that lost little boy of mine- I just know it was a boy, I could feel it. It was so sad. We buried him in the back yard, but we have since moved from that house and I think about it once in awhile.

I know this is long, but it was very therapeutic to write. It's still very fresh in my mind and I imagine it always will be. Thanks for giving me a place to share my experience. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out now, I can't believe how much it still affects me, over two years later.


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## Viola

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl*
Two days later I was resting on the couch when I felt a pain, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and blood just gushed out. I kept cramping and bleeding, so much that I couldn't even get off the toilet. I was home alone so I called my husband at work and got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back immediately. Then I heard a huge plop in the toilet and when I looked down everything was red except for this little sac and when I picked it up I saw my little baby. He looked exactly like a 6 week old fetus looked in my books, except for only one arm bud had started to develop. He was still in the sac and I could see eyes, a heart, beginnings of a spine, a little tail that was beginning to dissapear.











Thanks, this was very interesting to read. I had a m/c when I was 11 weeks past my LMP. I started spotting the day I turned 11 weeks and went to the ER to see if there was something that could be done. It was such a tiny amount of blood that the doctors had me convinced it was probably just normal bleeding. Then I had an u/s and there was no baby, so the pregnancy had stopped developing somewhere along the way. I stopped feeling symptoms around 9 weeks, but a someone told me with a blighted ovum you still have symptoms for awhile even though you aren't really pregnant.

I started bleeding heavily the next day. For a day it was just like a light period, then the dam burst and all of a sudden a gush and it was pouring out of me, but I had no pain. I kept moving from the toilet to the tub and pulling out the clots so I could check for something babylike. I even took a photo of a kind of fetal shaped clot, but there was nothing that looked like a baby in it. I keep thinking that somehow I missed seeing the baby, but then I think maybe there was no baby. It is kind of confusing for me.

I hadn't been to a doctor until the spotting started--I was going to wait until 12 weeks because I was trying to use a midwife and get that worked out. So I never heard a heartbeat and I don't know if there was one or not. It sounds like if there had been a baby, I should have seen it. But at one point when I was in the hospital for the second night in a row, and the doctor was scraping the last stuff out, the nurse made a noise and then took something quickly away. I wanted to see it, but she said it was nothing. So, of course, I've always wondered if it was something that looked like a baby or part of a baby.

My mom called the ambulance for me, which was really over the top as far as I was concerned, but I did almost pass out at one point when they tried to take my blood pressure. The OB wanted to do a D&C but I had eaten dinner in the midst of the miscarriage. I was really hungry, so I crawled out with about 10 pads on and ate something. The whole experience was kind of surreal. We had some gallows humor going on, and my mom and sisters were sharing their miscarriage experiences, and my sister reached in the blood filled toilet to get my clot. I was hoping to examine that clot a little more, but then my friend cleaned up the bathroom for me when I went to the hospital.







I really appreciate his hardwork, I was just a little sad at still not knowing.

Nothing I had seemed sac like--it all just seemed like pieces of liver and huge clots that got stuck and I had to pull out. Does this indicate something more than another thing?


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## shishkeberry

I was 8(9?) weeks pregnant when I went for an ultrasound. Not that this had anything to do with my miscarriage, but the ultrasound tech was *very* rude. But anyway, she didn't tell me anything, just made me wait in that cold room for about an hour after the ultrasound. She came back in and said I had to talk to my doctor on the phone. She told me that I was going to miscarry, but didn't tell me why and I was too shocked to ask. I was just stunned silent. I felt very alone that they would tell me something so horrible over the phone, but maybe it was better that way than having the rude u/s tech. tell me.

Anyway, I spent about two weeks walking around knowing I was carrying a dead baby. What made it even worse was that my best friend (ex-best friend now, but not because of this) found out she was pregnant when I found out I was losing my baby. I had to spend time with her knowing she had a live baby and I had a dead one inside me. This is horrible of me to say, but during that time I wished she would lose hers too. (Unfortunately, she did about a month later. I know it wasn't my fault that she lost hers because of how I felt, but it felt like it was at the time.)

Anyway, one night I was checking my email and got up to get a drink. I felt a heavy gush and I thought I had wet myself. I checked my pants and my hand was bloody. It was almost like a signal for all the bad stuff to happen, because I almost immediately felt crampy. I went upstairs and told my mom it was finally happening and I laid on the couch for a while in pain. I decided to go upstairs and take a bath because that always made me feel better when I had AF. I stood up from the couch and felt a gush again. When I went upstairs to undress there was a small clear sac the size of my fist in my underwear that was kinda solid looking in the center. I freaked out and let it fall in the toilet and I immediately flushed it. I was screaming and basically just being hysterical. I spent the entire bath crying. I had to take a shower, too, because the water turned red and it was getting kinda gross.

This happened in October of last year, and I found out in January that I was pregnant again. We had our DS on 8/04/04. I wonder what the first baby would have been like if I had carried to term, but if I had we wouldn't have Trent and that cheers me up.


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## mandalamama

Karennnnn, thank you for posting this thread. last year i also had a blighted ovum, something i'd never even heard of before. a lot of people say a blighted ovum isn't a "real" miscarriage so i've never really talked about it, my first post was too cold, i know i need to write while connecting with my emotions.

my hcg levels were 38,000, i knew when we conceived so we knew i was 12 weeks along. celebration time!!! i was scheduled for an u/s. my husband and i watched as a perfect white circle showed on the u/s screen, then the tech explained there was no baby, just a placenta and sac. i felt numb. the image of that perfect, empty sac haunted me in nightmares, especially before this baby's first ultrasound. the dr. explained that it was rare for a blighted ovum to go on this long, and that i'd start miscarrying fairly soon, and urged me to schedule a D&C for the next day. i refused.

i researched blighted ovum and thought about it for a few days, i was still amazed that i had gotten pregnant in the first place, after 10 years of infertility! a friend even said when i told her i was miscarrying, "you got pregnant?!" which validated how wonderful i felt that my body was working. i decided i'd let my body do this on its own, so that my uterus would be healthy for the next baby









from the u/s to the day the miscarriage ended took 4 months. (during that time we got married, we'd moved the wedding up because of the baby, only very close family knew i was miscarrying at the wedding.) 2 weeks after the u/s, i started spotting lightly, then more heavily, with cramps on and off, and my hcg levels steadily went down each week. i monitored my temperature daily, had instructions on when to call or go in, and just rested and took care of myself. i saw a lot of rusty-brown blood, some bright red blood, and rubbery clots with mucous-colored stringy bits, but not all at once. i kept thinking it was over whenever i bled more and saw more clots, but it stopped and started several times. i kept getting offered a D&C but kept refusing, since i wasn't running a fever and the pain wasn't constant and i could handle it. it felt like i was being tossed around on long, slow waves, emotionally and physically.

i didn't see the end result, i was out of it in the ER, didn't think to ask to see and later i wished i had. the last bit of placenta/sac was stuck at my cervix and i was in excruiciating pain with a sudden high fever, i needed help ... the ER OB was very kind, understood i was having a natural miscarriage ... she talked me and my husband through a manual extraction. i cried so hard because i was no longer pregnant, marveled at the mystery that is the human body, and realized how "lucky" i was that there was no baby, because i can't imagine how devastating it would have been. but i still can't express all the emotions i felt/feel.

it took me until i was about 36 weeks along in this pregnancy to realize that i don't need to fear a natural birth, because i went through a long, natural miscarriage and i was just fine. my "shadow baby" has been a comfort to me in this way.

peace,
meli


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## Angierae

Mine started on a Sunday. I was getting in the car with my SIL to go shopping. I felt a rush of blood and told her to drive around the block--our toddlers were in the back seat. I ran in the house and watched blood pour into the toilet. I put on a pad and went outside to get in the car. I didn't have any pain or cramping and refused to admit anything could be wrong. People bleed for lots of reasons, right? She said she thought we should stay home just in case. We glanced at each other as we were getting the kids out of the car and we both had tears in our eyes. Within hours I started having horrible cramps and called my OB. He was golfing and said since nothing could be done I should just take some motrin and call back on Monday if I was still bleeding. DH was at the footbal conference championship game and I didn't want to ask him to come home. Finally I had bled through so many pads that I went downstairs and told my FIL I was having a miscarriage and needed him to go pick up DH from the game. We both started to cry. I had horrible cramps and bleeding for about 24 hours. At times I just sat on the toilet and let it pour out of me. Then I felt something large pass and heard a huge splash into the toilet. I forced myself to fish out a huge frisbee shaped placenta. I saw the sac but couldn't open it. I put it back in the toilet and flushed it.

My husband couldn't really talk about it. My SIL held me while we both cried. I wish I had done some sort of memorial. At the time I thought I was just suppossed to forget.

We started TTC right away, but didn't conceive again until the first cycle after that baby's EDD. We were trying the whole time, but I never felt closure until the EDD had passed. Somewhere inside me I think I needed to ride out the phantom pregnancy to last possible moment.

Thank you for this thread. It feels right to finally be able to share the details.


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## NatureMama3

I have had several, and at this point it's hard to remember what/how each went.

In general, if it starts around or before 5 weeks for me it's less severe than if it's further. Those I only bleed a few days longer and a little heavier than a period and rarely *see* anything.

The ones which were later felt like LABOR when they started. I bled/spotted off and on both before they started and after for a while. I had to sit on the toilet and just breathe through them like with labor. I saw little placentas and sacs (no fetus, as both my later losses were delayed losses as well and they'd reabsorbed or broken down).

For *me* the later ones were much harder to deal with (and were 1 year apart nearly to the day, so pretty cruel that way too).

My advice if you find something is to not just throw/flush it. I regret that SO much after my last loss (twins, at around 10 weeks, the placentas were smaller than 10 week size though, so they'd stopped growing). I was camping and didn't know how to keep them discretely so I threw them away. I really regret that now.


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## mamamoo

I wish this thread would have been here when I m/c. It was December of 2001, I was 12 weeks pregnant, and thought I was past the scary part. This was my third baby, so I wasn't actually worried anyway, and no one in my family had ever m/c. I started spotting, just a tiny bit, but called my mw(I was planning my first homebirth). She said wait out hte weekend, rest, keep my feet up, it's probably fine...spotting happens. I stopped spotting, but went in on Monday to listen for the heartbeat just to make sure everything was ok. She couldn't find one...I still wasn't too worried becasue I am overweight and it is harder to hear it anyway. She gave me the option of an u/s or waiting...and I chose the u/s. So we went in that day and had it done. The baby was dead, had stopped growing around 7.5 weeks. It was awful laying on the table, having the tech do a complete u/s when I knew already the baby was gone...she insited on measure my kidneys and stuff...I should have told her to stop, but I just laid there, tears streaming down my face trying to hold the sobs in.

I decided I wanted to m/c at home...I was afterall planning to have the baby at home, it just seemed like the right thing to do. My mw was totally unsupportive, basically said these things happen, and never even called to check on me in the three weeks it took to m/c completely. She was awful!

I was going to school at night, so continued to go to classes while I waited. I even took the kids to playgroup twice before I actually m/c...I think it made people uncomfortable, but I couldn't just sit at home waiting...nothing was happening. Finally one night in class I started getting horrible cramps, I tried to sit through the class and I figured I would just go home afterwards, but the pain was so bad I couldn't sit there...I drove home(I don't even remember getting home the pain was so bad), and it just got worse...I did not expect to feel this much pain, it was worse than my labours(I had epidurals though after 6 cm), and I was crying, and groaning, and spent most of the time int he tub. My poor hubby didn't know what to do for me. I was also having loose stools(constantly), so everytime I would sit on the toliet to poo, blood and pieces of my placenta were coming out, big clots...my husband was amazing he actually doned rubber gloves and searched through everything for me becasue I couldn't, and I couldn't flush knowing our baby might be in there. I couldn't stop crying. Then probably 3 or so in the morning it all stopped, I was still bleeding and having clots, but the bm and cramping stopped. I thought it was all over.

The same thing happened the next night. I thought I was going to die...I couldn't believe I had to go through it again, and I thought of ging to the hospital for a d&c, but didn't. It happened just like the night before, and stopped about 3 am again. I called a clinic here(the same one I had my first ds at), and they saw me right away. I was worried things weren't moving along the way they should be, and I didn't think I could handle another night of the pain. The woman(she is a mw)examined me and actually pulled a piece of tissue out(excruciating...and didn't even ask me if it was ok), and she wouldn't let me take it home. I was just crying, and she was awful too...no compassion at all, or maybe I just needed too much. I don't know. Anyway, she said it looked like the m/c wasn't complete and since it had been 3 weeks, she refered me to an ob. I had another u/s done, and had my hormone levels checked through all of this. The same day the mw took out the "tissue" I went to the bathroom that night and felt a pop, feeling and plop in the toliet. I think I knew it was the baby, but I didn't even have my hubby come in to search through the stuff again, and I think after days of doing this, I was just not thinking straight. I didn't even look in the toliet I just flushed. I regret that still...after almost 2 years, that I just flushed it. I felt like it was over.
I still went to the ob to make sure, and I think almost the worst part of the whole thing was I saw on my chart that it said I was being seen for a "missed abortion". I freaked out on the nurse. I thought they meant I had chosen to abort my baby and something went wrong. She explained to me that it was the term using for m/c there...it was crappy I thought. A slap in the face. Ack so anyway...I think it was really hard for a long time, and I still get sad sometimes, or wonder what she would have been like, but I got pregnant 3 months later and had my ds Sam(I worried the whole pregnancy), and I am now pregnant with my fourth baby, due in December.









Anyway...thanks for this thread...I haven't been able to explain things so clearly before.







Debi


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## HRC121799

I have had two miscarriages. They were between my two boys. The first one, we got pg. on our first try of TTC another baby, our older ds had just turned 2 years old. everything seemed to be going fine, got a couple of days into my 11th week, had a regular check-up, and the dr couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. Sent us for an ultrasound later that day. Ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped developing in the 8th week. I had just a tiny bit of brown spotting after the ultrasound. I was given the choice of a D&C, wait and see, or start things with a shot of methotroxate (spelling?). We were terrified, sad, scared. I was afraid of a D&C. Got online, got on boards, and sought out everything I could on exactly what a natural miscarriage was like, the pain, the amount of blood, the feelings. The next day, we went shopping, got a couple of movies, I felt numb to what was going to happen. I still remember it like yesterday. I was reading on the couch. Dh was on the computer, ds was watching cartoons. I felt a popping feeling, my water breaking, and a gush. I ran to the bathroom and literally sat on the toilet for hours while everything gushed out of me. I felt contractions. It was labor. It was more painful when I could tell tissue was stuck trying to come out of my cervix. So I would pull it out with a piece of toilet paper. If I hadn't read and read and talked to women that morning online about what was going to happen, I would've gone to the ER with the amount of blood that was coming out. Dh would come in and be with me, keep ds distracted, bring me a drink. I don't remember if I cried during it much. I was just concentrating on what was happening. Completely engulfed in the process. What I think was the baby, looked like a small sac, with some tiny bits in it. I moved to the bathtub and laid in there with the shower aimed on my back to help with the pain. I massaged my stomach, that made things go faster. My water broke around 1-2pm, and I finally left the bathroom at around 9:30pm. The majority of the miscarriage was that night, though the next week I could feel tissue caught on my cervix and I pulled it out, it was causing a lot of pain, hard to walk. Everything I saw, looked like large blood clots, thick rubbery looking tissue paper. I had to wear pads for a week or so. I got my blood drawn every week for 5 weeks until my hCg levels were below a 5 I think it was. Dh was home with me every day, the entire time, he had been in a car accident 2 weeks before I lost the baby, and he had a slight brain injury that kept him out of work. It was a blessing to have him with me during this time (and he was home for about a month after also, couldn't go back to work yet). Bad about the accident, but the timing of it meant dh could be with me and give ds the attention he needed also.

We got pregnant again 1.5 cycles after that baby. I was watched closely from the beginning. My hCg levels were doing their thing, but low. Early ultrasound was inconclusive. In the 9th week, ultrasound showed that the baby hadn't developed enough. It was over. Again I had no spotting or bleeding. This time, I wasn't waiting. I wanted it over. The next day I had a D&C. It was emotionally horrifying and scary. But physically, it was 90% less painful than the previous miscarriage. The first one was less scary though because I knew what my body was doing. I felt in control. With the d&c I felt out of control and afraid, but physically it was better. Each time I think we chose the right path. With the D&C, I didn't ask to see the baby. Our losses were on February 22nd 2002 & June 14th 2002.


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## Doulaamber

My story is the same as well as very different then some here. With my mc I had NO pain. Because of that fact I still doubt I had a m/c, but if it wasn't, then I don't know what it was.

I didn't even know I was pg. I thought for sure that I was but took a test and it was -. But now I know that it was too soon.

Anyway, we were at a conference in Chicago when I "got my period". I thought it was weird cause it was a week early, but not totally uncommon for me even though I was on the pill. That was Sat. On Thursday I was at work and I was standing on a chair putting stuff away on the shelves and I felt something BIG come out. I thought it was just a big clot. I went to the bathroom and there was this BIG whiteish/gray/pinkish thing on my pad. It was very hard and about the size of half a golf ball. My heart sank and I immediatly realized that it was my baby. I just froze and couldn't move. I don't remember how much I was bleeding at that point. My periods have always been heavy...even on the pill. So I had to go back in and finish my work day out. When I got home, I told Jim all about what happened and I called our insurance nurse line. She said to either go to the ER or urgent care. I chose urgent care cause I knew that wouldn't do a pelvic...the LAST thing that I wanted at the time...now I regret that. So we had to wait for our friend to get there cause we were having a meeting at our house that night with a ton of friends. We we went to the UC and the doc said that from everything I described it sounded like a m/c and we figured out the timing and figured out I was about 10 weeks, give or take a week. We went home and there were about 15 people there and I just went right to our bedroom and went to bed. I couldn't face anyway. At one point I did get thirsty and went to get something to drink I think. I don't remmeber too much. I bled for 3 week after that and got my next period exatly 28 days after the bleeding stopped.

Anyway, the not having any pain thing though totally throws me off. I still have doubts that I m/c. If that is what it was, I am totally convinced that I m/c'd cause I continued to take the pill the whole time.








to all


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## QuietTempest

I've never had a m/c so I can't begin to imagine what you ladies have been through, but I wanted to send all of you my deepest sympathies for your losses.


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## Karennnnn

Amber,
Something similar happened to my sister. I found this out after my own m/c with the blighted ovum.
She said for weeks and weeks she was bleeding off and on and said it was like a period that wouldn't stop. She is/was on the pill and her ob office tried to switch pills, etc but it wouldn't work.
Long story short, one day something plopped out and it was a walnut sized peice of tissue that she could not identify, but to me it sounded almost like a placenta or maybe a fetus that didn't quite form... Something odd. She said immediately after it came out she felt completely different and 100% better which is exactly how I felt.
The very upsetting part of this is that her ob office wasn't even interested in seeing it and dismissed the whole occurence. Really crappy, don't you think?
I believe we're blessed if we find a compassionate caregiver. They are really few and far between.
I'm glad everyone is finding comfort in this thread







Hugs to all of you mommas.
Karen


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## cherubess

I am so glad for this forum. It has helped me heal over the last couple of days, knowing others are out there who have experienced the loss of a baby.

I don't have any friends or work colleagues who have suffered this type of loss (or they haven't said openly).

My husband and I conceived our first child in the first month of trying. We were naturally very happy when we discovered that I was pregnant on 25 September.

Things were going well until 5 October when I started to spot. My baby was 4 weeks along.

The doctor prescribed Provera which I took for the next week and sent me for an US the next morning.

The US showed approx 3 inch gestatinal sac which we were somewhat relieved.

On the afternoon of 6 October the spotting turned bright red and was slightly heavier with a couple of small clots.

My husband took me to the ER and that afternoon the doctor advised me that I was going through a miscarriage.

That night I experienced painful cramps and passed through some more small clots and what looked like a little 3 inch bubble.

It seemed like a normal period overnight, I even stained the bedsheet. Then in the morning I went back to spotting.

I returned to my GP the day after going to the ER and my GP sent me to undergo blood tests as he believed that there was a chance that I could still be pregnant. His theory was that maybe the baby had rolled down in the uterus and re-implanted itself as I was still in the early stages of pregnancy.

By the next Monday my doctor confirmed via blood tests that my pregnancy hormones had dropped and that I had indeed miscarried.

It has been a week since the miscarriage and three days since I stopped taking Provera.

I had yet to move from spotting. No one can tell me if this is normal. My doctor said that when my pregnancy hormones drop my period would start. I have called a nurse on a help line, she couldn't tell me.

I just want to have an actual period so that I can go through a cycle and try to conceive again.

Thank you for this opportunity to vent.


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## Karennnnn

Cherubess,
Either your doctor is wrong or he wasn't giving you complete information.
He's making it sound like the moment (or so) that your hcg is back to 0, you'll get your period. This isn't so. What seems to happen with most women is that about 28 days after the start of the m/c, they get their period back. This isn't a golden rule, but happens with most.
So in essence, the m/c is day one of your cycle. It may help to begin charting so you can get a better look at what is going on with your body.
The spotting is very normal and may go on for a few weeks. With my m/c I spotted on and off for probably 2 plus weeks.
Your body is an amazing thing and will recover and do its job. Even though I was obviously upset about having had a m/c, the fact that I began to ovulate and then get my period in such a way as if the m/c was my period, I was truly mesmerized.
Good luck to you and please stay here to help you heal!!
Take care,
Karen


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## cherubess

Thank you Karen









I have a better understanding now from this forum than I did from the doctor or a registered nurse. They couldn't or wouldn't give me any answers of what to expect - if what I was going through was normal.

I was getting really frustrated. I was beginning to feel that my body was in limbo land and that I was alone. It really got me down yesterday.

My darling husband was supportive last night but he really couldn't understand where I was coming from.

However after reading your post, I now feel like what I am going through is normal and I am looking forward to the next number of weeks to go by, meanwhile trying to pick up new hobbies to keep busy.

I can't believe that I am actually looking forward to seeing AF.


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## Karennnnn

I was feeling the same way! AF has a whole new meaning, it's a validation that our bodies are working again. As much as I dislike AF I have almost always had some sort of appreciation and respect for her








You m/c sounds like it was natural and you didn't have a d&c? Some opinions vary, but I was told by my midwife that as long as you didn't have a d&c, your lining is still intact. Because of that she told me I could ttc immediately. Each situation is different though so please trust your instinct and balance it with what you know.
Is it possible for you to see a different care provider once you become pregnant or ttc again? It's hard to know exactly what went on there, but I get the feeling that they weren't the best for you if you left with questions.
When I had my m/c the ob I went to didn't tell me too much either. I still can't figure out if it was because I went in there appearing like I knew exactly what was going on, or because they treat everyone that way. I'll tell you what, if I didn't know what I *do* know, I would have left very confused and frightened and above all, let down. Our bodies know what to do but it's also a little complicated at the same time.
Mothering.com is a good hobby by the way








Take care,
Karen


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## Isfahan

Hi, I was posting to this board a month or so ago while "waiting" to miscarry. My 9 week u/s showed the baby only measured 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I wanted to m/c naturally so I said I'd wait... in the end I waited 2.5 weeks and still had absolutely no sign of m/c. Once I was at 12 weeks the whole "waiting" started to freak me out and I had an in-patient (no general anesthetic) D&C which was painful but emotionally very healing for me. I hadn't realized how much stress I had been under in the inbetween state.

I just wanted to post a 'different' experience because now that we have this u/s technology we find things out so much sooner than would have happened before. And I was suprised that there was no sign of m/c despite taking all the herbs (black cohosh etc) prescribed by my naturopath midwife.

So, in my case, I didn't see anything at all.

Shannon


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## cherubess

I am just updating a post of mine from last week.

This afternoon I went to the radiology clinic and had a pelvic ultrasound following my miscarriage on 6th October.

The findings from the radiologist are "The uterus and endometrium normal. No retained products seen. Both ovaries and both adnexae normal."

So I am happy (in the circumstances) that I can start TTC after AF makes an appearance.

Thanks again to the ladies who replied to my posts - you don't know how you lifted my flagging spirits by helping me feel "normal".


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## umsami

I had my first miscarriage due to a blighted ovum (never fully develped.) The whole process took about 3 weeks, because my OB honored my intention to let it proceed naturally rather than having a D&C.

At first, I remember noticing some blood... not heavy... not too much. There wasn't a lot of pain or anything... just some spotting.

It stopped for a few days, but my OB told me that it would probably start up again. If it didn't, we'd have to look at a D&C.

The next week I started bleeding more, like a heavy period. There were some period-like cramps, but these were easily managed with advil/motrin. I thought this was the "miscarriage." I was wrong.

The next week on one or two days I had occassional extremely sharp cramping, like in labor. After each episode, when I went to the bathroom, there would be blobs of tissue. Nothing identifiable, but large... say a few inches long.

After that I had a few more days of bleeding and it ended.

Sadly, I started bleeding again last night. I'll know tomorrow if it's another miscarriage.


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## ChelseaG

Thanks to all who have posted here - I just registered in order to get out my thoughts and feelings - I am 99% sure that I miscarried at 6 weeks and 1 day yesterday. It started in the morning as light spotting, kind of brownish, like the last day of my period - and I interviewed with a midwife yesterday (still havent decided on one yet) and she reassured me that it was normal - but to call her if the bleeding got heavier or bright red. Around 6pm I started to get cramps, felt like I was starting my period, and the bleeding started to get heavier, bright red, with some clotting. I called the midwife around 9pm and she said it could be a m/c or could be ok and to go to the hospital if it got really painful or really heavy bleeding. I tried to stay calm and believe that everything would be ok - but i think something inside me knew it wasnt ok. Around 11pm i was getting ready for bed and went to the bathroom and felt a larger than normal clot drop into the toilet. Something made me reach in to investigate further and in the clot i saw a small - pea sized grayish lumpy ball. I feel pretty positive that this was the embryo and that it was a m/c. I continued to have mild cramps and still bleeding (like my usual period flow) throughout the night and this morning. Also, I noticed that my breasts are no longer feeling swollen and tender. I haven't stopped crying since last night - I feel so sad for this loss.
To make things worse, my dh and I were so excited over our first pregnancy that we have told so many people and I am not looking forward to all the "aww, I'm so sorry" comments we are bound to get.
Also, I have 2 sisters who had their first babies in the last year, my SIL is pregnant with her 4th and is due June 10 (2 weeks before my edd of June 21 - we were so excited to be going through pregnancy together) and to top it all off my mom left me a message this morning that my other sister is pregnant (nice timing - huh).
I know that everything happens for a reason and there were probably serious problems with the development- but it still is incredibly sad and hard to take. We got pg so quickly (3 weeks after the wedding) so I am confident that we will conceive again with no problem. And a small part of me thinks - well, maybe it wasnt a m/c - maybe the baby is still there - but then I think it would be silly to get my hopes up.
I am going to call the midwife I saw yesterday and go in for a visit today to confirm and check to make sure everything is ok.
I just wanted to get my story out to help the grieving process.
Thanks to all whose stories helped me to know I'm not alone.
Chelsea


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## Abigail

for me I started cramping and then had my heaviest bleeding ever. That was it. On a more positive note, my cycle started again really quickly and I conceived again easily.

Chelsea, It must be hard with all the pregnancies around you. Be prepared that people may say dumb things but not out of malice, just because they don't know what to say. In my humble opinion, it doesn't matter if you were pregnant for a day or full term, whatever depth of loss you feel is real. There are lots of incredible women here that have lots more wisdom than I do, but they can tell you too, that sometimes it helps to give yourself the time to have a little ritual. Light a candle, say a prayer, do whatever seems right to acknowlege what has happened. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't a big deal.

Also!!! don't forget about you. Take extra care, get lots of rest, drink raspberry tea and give yourself a break.

I don't know if these words are helpful, but know that you are not alone.








Abigail


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## Saramomofmany

to all of you. I came upon this thread and realize it's from October, but thought it had such good info, I wanted it to be at the top again. Reading through your posts was healing to me. My 2 miscarriages were pretty early, so I didn't see the baby, just clots and such. Here's to healing.


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## Cullens_Girl

Thank you for posting to this thread. It's been a great deal of help to me. I'm currently miscarrying - I didn't even know I was pregant until Monday and here I am on Wed miscarrying.

I wish this thread was sticky - it was a great help to me to read through it. I'll share my experience when it's over.


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## Storm Bride

I've had three. The first was at about 9 weeks, and other two at twelve. The last two both occurred two days before the prenatal appointment when I expected to first hear the baby's heartbeat.

With my first one, I'd been ttc baby #2 for over three years, and was so excited to be pregnant again. When I lost it, I felt as though I'd been kicked in the head...a cat wandered in a few days later and "adopted" me - a friend and a relative told me they thought it was a spirit guide to help me through the m/c - it was hit by a car two weeks later and bled to death in front of my house. I lost another baby 8 months after the first one, and began to really despair. Two years later, I finally got pregnant again (after many attempts to conceive, and a divorce...the pregnancy was an accident(!) with my new fiance, and I was thrilled). I lost that one, too...

Anyway...all three of them proceeded almost exactly the same way, except that the pain came before the bleeding with the first one. I was sitting down having dinner, and got what I thought was a stomach-ache. After about 15 minutes, I found that I couldn't even eat. My ex took me to emergency, and they (eventually) took a look at me and said they thought I was miscarrying, but the only way to confirm that would be an ultrasound. I was bleeding by this time, but I don't really know how much, because I was in a bed in ER. I went home with a u/s scheduled for the next day. I was up all night with heavy bleeding and clots - like an unbelievably heavy period. At one point, I wiped up the blood, and saw a tiny little greyish thing on the toilet paper...it was only about an inch long, and not very wide...and it looked like it had the beginnings of a little "alien" face (you know the ones you see in pregnancy calendar pics)...little dark hollows where the eyes would be...damn - 7 years ago, and I'm starting to cry...that little "face" just haunts me...and I'm not even sure I wasn't imagining it...
















I went in for the ultrasound the next day. I was still bleeding a little, but not in pain, anymore. The doctor said there was no sign that I'd ever been pregnant. My body cleared everything out completely.

The next two were identical, really. Right after work, I noticed a small amount of bright red blood when I used the bathroom. Both times, I went home and tried to take it easy. I didn't want to go to ER, because I already knew there was nothing they could do if it was a miscarriage, and if it wasn't, they'd just recommend taking it easy. Within about two hours, I started getting the bad menstrual-type pains again. Both times, I was up all night with bad cramps, heavy bleeding (nine maxis in one night, plus whatever went straight into the toilet) and lots of clots. I cried all night both times...

I went in for follow-up ultrasounds again with both of them. One of them had already completely cleared, and the sack was sitting on my cervix for the second one. I'm not sure when I lost that one, as I never did see it. I guess the baby was just lost in all the bleeding with the last two...

hmm...not sure if that's quite what the OP was originally looking for. That's the first time I've ever really posted about it (although I was talking to online friends all night with m/c #3).

On the plus side...I finally gave birth to baby #2 - 10 years after my son, and 9 years after I started ttc. And, I'm expecting #3 in about 6 weeks.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

I had a missed miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 15 weeks when we went in for my normal check up. The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat, so they immediately had me have a u/s. I knew immediatly that the baby was dead. I couldn't see any heartbeat, and it was so still. I've never seen an ultrasound like that before, no movement, no sound, just a little tiny baby. So sad. I was told they thought I ought to have a d&c the next day. I wish I knew I had other options, because the d&c was so sterile and surreal. I had to go to the out patient surgery where I was asked over and over again, why I was there, etc etc! Couldn't someone just read my chart and pass on the info. There was very little sympathy and none after the surgery was over. I went in 15 weeks pregnant and came out completely empty, with nothing to show for it. No pain, no baby, just an hour I will never remember. It really was so horrible, and I regret not giving birth to my baby very much. We found out 4 weeks later she was a girl. My little Therese.


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## mccullrr

What a great thread.

I have created a website in memory of my angel. You can read my story here..

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/angelmccullough/

I worn you ahead of time, there are pictures of my baby on this page. I had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks. The baby was 14w 4d.

Becky


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## 1Plus2

X


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## gabry

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your touching stories. It helps me to prepare for what will happen in the next days or weeks. I had my first ob appt. today (9 weeks) and since the doc couldn't hear a heartbeat she did an US. It showed the embryo had stopped growing at about 7 weeks. I take progesterone, so that's probably what maintained the uterine lining so long. I'm going to try and let nature take its course, and not take meds or get a d&c. I'm hoping if I stop the progesterone it will start fairly soon.
Like some of the pp I'm confused about what actually happened though. The us tech told dh it was not a blighted ovum, but a "failed pregnancy", and the doc said the size of the sac indicates it stopped growing at 7 weeks or so. Dh said all he saw was two circles/sacs on the screen. Could the embryo/fetus already have been resorbed? And how could the tech tell the difference if there was no baby visible? I guess I'll ask when I see the ob next, in two weeks. (or earlier if I get a fever or something) It seems ridiculous, but I feel this need to know what I'm actually crying over, whether it's the embryo 'dying' or a 'trick pregnancy' (I actually do feel like I was 'tricked' into believing I was pregnant somehow).
I will post again with an update.
Thanks again so much.


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## Karennnnn

Gabry,
I'm so sorry for what's happened







It's a roadblock for sure!
I'm not certain of all of your details, but to me it sounds like a blighted ovum. If things stopped growing around 7 weeks, you'd be able to see an embryo on u/s unless it was hiding somehow.
When I had a blighted ovum, my sac measured about 6 weeks and I was 9 weeks when it was discovered.
Rather than sit and wonder, call your ob and have them explain it to you. There's no reason why you have to sit in the dark. Knowing every detail, or at least having a firm grasp on what happened will help you to recover!! It might also be interesting to have the u/s report if there is one.
If you pass everything on your own and you want to take a good look, you will probably be able to see an embryo in the sac if there is one. When I passed mine I did that and of course didn't find anything.
From the day I discovered the blighted ovum till it actually passed was about a week's time. I hope it goes as quickly for you!
Take care,
Karen


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## Denise K

My loss was about 10.5 weeks, and it looked like the fetus had not grown since 6-8 weeks.

I started spotting, then bleeding, then cramping/bleeding--this took about 4 days to progress--and then it all stopped, went back to spotting. Went in finally for an ultrasound, and when the dr. did his manual exam I started cramping bad. He pulled the fetus out--it was coming out--without asking me--this was not OK with me....

I am going to be blunt here on appearance, jsut to warn you. I tend toward accuracy rather than discretion.

It looked about the size of my thumb, and was not like a baby at all--a doula friend said decomposition can start pretty fast once there isn't any life, so that is probably why. The Dr put it in formaldehyde (again without my permission), and by the time I got to look at it w a midwife later it looked basically like cooked chicken liver. Brown and rubbery. We could see the umbilical cord.

Anyway, from the drs office I went for ultrasound, then to a pharm to get rhogam, then back to the dr to get the shot, all the while cramping really bad. It was horrible, horrible horrible. I wish I had waited another day for the u/s, maybe I would have miscarried at home in peace.







I bled heavily for a few days, then not so much for a week maybe. Exhausted.


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## Mearaina

I am waiting for my m/c, I have been experiencing light bleeding for a week. Five days ago at 9 wks 4 days an u/s showed my baby/sac stopped growing at 6 wks 3 days. They don't think it was a baby at all, it sounds like a blighted ovum from what I've read. I have two little girls, they will be one and three within the next two weeks and I am petrified that I will m/c on one of their birthdays; I am so confused....I feel like I will be pregnant with a dead baby forever, even though logically I know that I will eventually m/c...will post more info when I have it.


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## gabry

It happened today. I posted a few days ago after I got the news that I would be miscarrying. I did call the ob on monday to clarify what they saw on the ultrasound and she told me there were two yolk sacs, and evidence that there had been two embryos developing! Strange, how I still thought that was exciting news..
Anyways, I had been spotting from saturday on, then this am (tuesday) started having occasional cramps and light bleeding. I actually went to work today and did ok. This evening I had about 30 minutes of stronger cramps and bleeding, a few small clots, and then I passed the gestational sac, containing the two yolk sacs. It was a little over an inch in diameter maybe, and tough in consistency (it came out past a tampon). We opened it carefully, but couldn't find anything that looked like an intact embryo. They did say it seemed development had stopped at 6-7 weeks, so they had probably disintegrated already. A pp mentioned a smell, fortunately I didn't notice that at all.
I know it's not finished yet, but the cramps have subsided for now and I have moderate bleeding. Even though I had almost wished for a harder time, to validate the pregnancy, my emotions, I do now feel thankful that probably it will not be very painful or protracted.
Dh and I studied it for a while, cried for a while, discussed possibilities of what to do with it for a bit, and then put it in the freezer until we decide (thanks to op for having this idea so we can decide these things without pressure).
Edited to add: The placenta followed a full 24 hours later, with mild cramping and bleeding. It was about 3x4 inches, dark red, fleshy.
Thanks again so much for sharing all your stories and helping me prepare for this. I feel at peace right now, confident that our babies are in a safe and peaceful place, and hopefull they'll come back to us one day.. We will be ready for them.


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## atozmama

Thank you for this thread. I feel it is just what I need now- to talk about my loses. I am at the exact same point in this pregnancy as I was whaen i lost my first baby. I have had two losses, but my second was at 21 weeks and i don't know where that fits-not quite a miscarriage he was born alive, not a still birth? I'll talk about that some other time.

It was my second pregnancy. Aric was 12.5 months old and just learning to walk. At 10 weeks I started feeling better and noticed an increase in my milk supply. I thought I was lucky to have things going so well. At my first OB visit, the baby measured about 2 weeks behind and the heartbeat was unsure. I thought I had seen it. I feel now that she was dying then. A week later I started spotting and did so on and off for a couple of days. After talking to my OB I decided to go ahead with my plans to to go to a friends about 1.5 hours away and take care of her dog while she went out of town. The night I got there, I started bleeding like a period and cramping. I had a rough night as the dog miissed my friend and I was scared to death about the pregnancy. I slept some, about 4 in the am I awoke to very heavy labor like pains. I got up the dog wanted out and didn't come back, my son was sleeping ing the bed so I didn't want to leave to look for the dog. She eventually did and Iput her in her kennel. After about an hour I had a pop and a gush of watery blood. Then lots of blood. I just sat on the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing, but it was blood. I called my OB and he recomended going to the nearest hospital because of the blood loss. I called DH told him what was up. He was a good 1.5 hours away or more as morning rush hour was starting. Then I got dressed, got DS and went to the hospital, the same one DS was born at. It only took me a half hour from when I put the pad on to when I was brought in to the ER, an OB room in back. By the time I got there, blood was running down my legs and clots were coming out. The nurses saved the clots and looked through them for the baby. The ER dr had never seen a woman bleeding so much and couldn't see my cervix for the blood pouring our of it. He called OB and had me moved to the front of the ER so I could be put on heart moniters. Blood was typed for me. Meanwhile a nurse had taken DS, in his stroller and pushed him around a bit until he fell asleep. Then left him with me.

OB came, an attending and a resident, and examed me. It was hard as I was in this tiny room with no OB equipment. I was to have an US and then go from there. A admissions clerk came to ask me some questions and woke up DS, but fortunatly DH walked in right then. I started going into shock and feeling sick and dizzy. I was taken for my US and no baby was seen, just cloted material. i was told I had probably passed the baby earlier. Meanwhile my bleeding slowed down. Iwas still taken for a D&C soon as it could be arranged. The attending couldn't make it due to a lecture or something at the same time the OR was avaible so the dr who took care of me during Aric's pregnancy voluntered to do it for me. The resident followed me all along and kept me very informed as to what was going on. When I was taken up to OR waiting room the two guys who moved me were supprised at the blood I left behind on the stretcher they moved me on. DH and DS had left for a bit when it was decided I would have the D&C. Apparently when I put the dog in the kennel, I ididn't fasten the latch and she got out. made a huge mess, not to mention the blood on the toilet. DH called someone else to take the dog.

The OR was so cold. My dr came in and talked to me before they put me under and I was so glad to see her. When I came too I had IV's alll over and all three bags of blood hanging above me and people all around the bed. Apparently my crit and blood pressure took a nose dive during surgery. I was kept over night in the amblutory unit until my numbers stabilized. DH had come back to the hospital by then. After I was taken to my room i asked to see DS. I was told he couldn't come to the room, could I go to the waiting area to see him? I needed to nurse him. Next thing I know DH and DS were walking in my room. DS nursed so much he almost puked all over. Then wanted to walk, he had just started walking across the room the night before. That evening the resident came and went over every thing that had happened with me. A baby was found during the D&C and was bigger than the first US had indicated, closer to the twelve weeks I was. I wanted to ask about the baby, was she cut during the procedure, what would happen to her, but couldn't bring myself to. I was given the option of sending her for testing and I took it. A month later we found out she was a girl and had Turner's Syndrome. (Missing a X chromosome-98% of these pregnancies miscarry) It really helped me to know that my body took care of a baby that couldn't survive and that she should have been mioscarried like she was.The resident also made sure I had a breast pump to use through the night. I am so glad she was there to follow me.

The next morning DH took DS to a nanny friend befrore work and she picked me up when I was released. She brough me over to my friends with the dog. DS and I took a long nap toghether then I drove home to DH. I had very light bleeding for a week. But it took me a good three weeks to regain my strenth and feel back to my self because of the blood loss. Apparently they don't fill you up all the way with a transfusion, just enough.

We got pregnant again after my first AF. Only to loose that baby at 21 weeks. That's another story. This one is long enough.


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## mamamoo

I can't think of the words to say but want to give you a


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## Mearaina

I had my m/c after bleeding for 10 days. I had some cramping on a Tuesday, then a little more the next day, and the placenta passed, I bled for 4 more days and that was it. I called the doctor to see if it was really a m/c because it didn't hurt like I was expecting. When the placenta came out I was standing and folding the clean diapers, with only a little more cramping. It felt like "mini-labor" but I can't say that it hurt. We had found out 8 days before the m/c (when we were 9 1/2 wks) that the sac had stopped developing 3 wks prior; at 6 1/2 wks. I dug part of the placenta out of the toilet but saw nothing that resembled an embryo. I'm not sure if there was ever a baby in the sac or if it was empty; I had really wanted to find the sac so I would know for sure, but I couldn't find that either.


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## steph6467

I miscarried my fourth child June 26, 2004. I accidentally stumbled across this thread, but I've been thinking a lot about the baby I lost because the one year anniversary has just passed.

I was just a few days shy of 7 weeks pregnant when the spotting started. I had spotted with my three previous pregnancies (which all ended in healthy sons), so at first I wasn't too worried. However, I had not had any signs of morning sickness with this pregnancy and that WAS unusual for me. The spotting started as just brown "old blood", but over the next few days turned pink. When I called my midwife, I was told that everything was probably fine, but to call back if the bleeding became heavy.

I was also starting to have dreams of miscarriage. In retrospect, I knew this pregnancy was not right. The spotting, the lack of sickness.. I just didn't feel pregnant. I called my midwife back after the third day of spotting and asked if I could be seen. It was a Friday, and I knew that if I would be left worrying alone over the weekend if I wasn't checked.

By the time I got to the midwife's office, the bleeding had increased enough to need a light pad. At first my midwife refused my request for an ultrasound (saying it would be inconclusive), but after examining me and seeing the increase in bleeding, she agreed to send me over the the hospital for an ultrasound. I will never forget sitting in her waiting room and calling dh at work telling him "it doesn't look good" and to meet me at the hospital in an hour. I even remember the song playing on the radio when I drove across the street. I was crying so hard it's amazing I didn't get in an accident.

I met dh at the hospital and we waited awhile until called back for the ultrasound. I was terrified when the tech inserted the vaginal ultrasound - I didn't want to see our baby dead inside of me. But our baby *wasn't* dead - as soon as the image became clear, the tech said, "Well, you're still pregnant" and I could see the flicker of the heart. The tears just fell down my cheeks. Dh squeezed my hand as we saw our child for the first and last time.

We were told by the tech that with the amount of bleeding I was having that it could go either way. Everything might be fine. Or not. We went home that evening with some hope.

My bleeding seemed to ease off a bit as the evening wore on and turn from red to rusty brown. I had a few moments where I thought everything was going to be fine. But right before I went to bed that night, I noticed that the bleeding had turned deep red again and my heart sunk.

The rest of the night is a blur of grief. I cried myself to sleep while dh held me. Sometime in the early morning, I awoke to a huge gush and rushed to the toilet. I was bleeding very heavily and a clot about the size of a kiwi dropped into the toilet. I didn't fish it out as I was too grief stricken and felt all the hope drain from my body. I knew the baby we'd seen alive just hours ago was now gone.

Over the next few hours, I had several similar big gushes and lost kiwi-sized clots. I never saw the baby, but I suspect I may have passed the placenta a day later. I bled heavily all day Saturday and Sunday and then it slowly eased off over the next 8 days. Throughout the miscarriage, I had no physical pain at all. Not a single cramp. I had a followup ultrasound on Monday and my uterus was completely empty.

My midwife didn't show very much empathy. She must see it often enough that it's "old hat" for her. However, on the Monday after the m/c, she was out of the office and I saw one of her partner midwives who I'd never met. She was INCREDIBLY empathetic and I will never forget her kindness or the much needed hug she offered. To this day I think I should write her a thank you card and tell her how much her empathy meant to me on that particular day.

I'm also incredibly thankful for the ultrasound we had just hours before the miscarriage. It truly validated (for me and dh) the pregnancy. There WAS a baby.. OUR baby.. and he lived before he died.. if only for a few short weeks. He had a living body and a heartbeat. I really had to push my midwife to "let" me have the ultrasound. To her it was unnecessary and did turn out to be, as she predicted, "inconclusive" of the outcome... but it ended up meaning the world to dh and me. It was our only chance to meet our fourth child. I feel my heart coming to my throat as I type this..

I had a dream the night after the miscarriage about giving birth to two perfect beautiful twins - a boy (Benjamin) and a girl (Savahhna). It was a heartwrenching dream at the time. It was also very hard talking to our children about the miscarriage. They didn't understand why the baby died. They wanted to know if they could ask God to give us another baby.

We conceived our fifth child just 17 days after the miscarriage. I never had a miscarriage dream with that pregnancy. I had dreams about beautiful living babies.

I didn't know which of the "twins" I'd lost until an u/s of our subsequent pregnancy revealed I was carrying a girl. We named our daughter Samantha.

I had another dream after she was born that I was out shopping and had left my newborn twins at home with Dh. I asked dh what he thought it meant that I was still dreaming of twins and he said.."You haven't forgotten".

I will forever hold Benjamin in my heart. I keep the 8" x 10" ultrasound printout they gave me of him on the refrigerator (which sounds really trailer trash as I write it.. *sigh*). Even though it's been a year and his baby sister is 3 months old, I don't have the heart to take it down yet.

Huge <<hugs>> to any mamma who is reading this as she is experiencing a miscarriage. It is so so hard. Don't let anyone make you feel like any of your emotions are wrong or not valid.


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## 2rubies

Thank you all for this thread. It has helped me a lot. I am right now "waiting to miscarry". I am about 6w4d and had an us done yesterday after a few days of spotting. She saw nothing in my uterus, not even a sac. Somehow it just never really started. My hormone levels were too low. I'm due to go back next week for more levels and another us, but I really didn't know what to expect otherwise. I'm so glad I found this thread. At least now I'm not afraid.

Kristin


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## jasperab

This has been a great resource for me and I am glad its here. I'm ready to add my story.
I was 11wks 2day on Tuesday July 19 and that late afernoon I noticed blood and fluid on my pad (I decided to wear a pad that day because I'd been feeling wet lately) and I knew what it ment. I went to the hospital because my doctor said to call him right away if it happened and being evening I couldn't call him. Well, I waited 3 hrs but I was just not a priority, there were way more messed up people then me and I wasn't bleeding heavy, so I went home. The next morning I called my doctor and seen him at 11am and went for an u/s at 3pm. I saw our little bean and that realy got to me. I still cry when I think about it. It measured 8wks so that was when it stopped growing and passed on. That was about the time my morning sickness started getting better and for the last two week I'd been feeling great. I thought I was feeling too good to be true.

The bleeding got heavier through out the day and I started passing clumps of tissue. By suppertime I started cramping more and had a burst of fluid, so the amneonic sac broke and by midnight I started getting labour like pains, I took some Tyenol (sp?) and two hours later I passed a fair sized clump that was the baby. It just looked like a mass of red tissue. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom instead of soaking pads because I could feel when a gush was comming on.

The next day (yesterday) the bleeding tapered off and today its almost done. It hasn't been that bad of an experience and for that I am grateful. If I had to miscarry I had hoped it wouldn't turn into a nightmare as some can. I see my doctor next Wednesday for followup.


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## hankiesmama

I was one of the unfortunate few who's baby was living the day before.

I went in for an ultrasound July 11th and the baby was doing fine. I was put through a lot of stress that day so I think that probably contributed. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks already.

The next morning when I woke up about 11 am, I started feeling very sick. It wasn't like regular cramps. I felt a pop and I guess it was my water breaking. I suddenly felt better so I started to get up. That's when all the fluid and blood was running down my legs. I screamed for my husband.

When he was trying to sit my down on the couch I screamed "he's coming out!"

I got in the empty bathtub and reached down and got the baby out. He was perfectly formed. The placenta was still in place. His umbilical cord was snapped. I screamed like I was insane.

Once I came down, I got redressed to go to the hospital.

I felt worse than I ever had in my life. I wanted to die just to get rid of the emotional pain.

I passed several baseball sized blood clots and went in for a D&C for the retained placenta. I woke up from the anestheitic (sp!) crying and swearing.

I've woken up crying every day since.

We buried him last Monday morning in his own grave. He was born whole, a human and should have all the respect a baby born at 40 weeks still should have.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...untainview.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...lanscasket.jpg


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## JenniferH

In my 6th week I started spotting a little, but I wasn't too concerned because I'd had spotting with my first pregnancy. Flash forward to Tuesday of week 7...

I started bleeding heavily, like a normal period, but with a lot more clotting. I also had small bit of some tissue that looked like lasagna (sorry, only thing it looks like) that I assume was the placenta. I didn't bleed much when I was lying down, but when I went to the bathroom I would pass a lot of blood and clots, some about half the size of my fist. At this point it was just like my normal period.

By day 6 of heavy bleeding (Mother's Day







) I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound. There was an "area of fluid" near my cervix that the Dr. said was probably the remains of the fetal pole or amniotic sac. Everything looked great, so they didn't recommend a D&C. Had I gone before everything was "cleaned out" they probably would have.

I began taking false unicorn/lobelia capsules on Tuesday evening and I really believe that's what made everything come out so cleanly.


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## naturallia

I've had several losses. I'll post a new reply for each loss. I just typed and typed. Yes, I know I was only 13, and to clarify what you will find out, I was legally emanicapted (sp?) when I was 12 and I got my hardship liscence just after my 13th birthday.

Anyways... on to my losses.


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## naturallia

deleted


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## naturallia

del


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## naturallia

del


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## naturallia

...


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## naturallia

,,,,


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## naturallia

,...........


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## hankiesmama

*sigh*


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## nydiagonz

Naturallia,

wow.... I can't even imagine going through half of the things that you have gone through. I know that you must have heard this before and it is not very comforting, but... YOU ARE SO STRONG! I also hope that Ariana is the last child that you have to lose. Why we are put through these painful experiences, I don't know. But I believe that you are never given more than you can handle, so that says a lot about you







I wish you the best of luck and I hope your days are filled with more happiness.


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## naturallia

.......


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## SoCaliMommy

My Missed MC







at 13wks1day

My first u/s was on 7/1/05 the midwife measured the baby at 6wks 4days i knew that was wrong right then since i should have been 10wks or so then.
7/12 i just start gushing red blood







i go to the ER and sorta told that i am deff having a m/c. was also told my uterus was around the 11wk mark and that what was inside was still the 6wk4day range.

7/19 i went into horrible labor early in the morning i finally passed the baby , it was deff like the say it looks whiteish grey. so i put it in a baggy and took it to me with my doc appt that had been set up on 7/1 because she wanted to wait 2wks do another u/s to check for a heartbeat and re measured. so then they sent it down to the lab and they found out that i did pass it totally intact.


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## klenna

Hi Everyone! My first time to post on this thread. I just had a miscarriage this Tuesday, August 2nd- I was 12w4d. Found out on Monday afternoon that baby had died within last 24-48 hours- it was the exact size it should have been. No heartbeat with excessive edema under skin- doctor said could have been Turner's Syndrome girl. At 9w5d (previous OB appt.), there had been a strong heartbeat of 160 bpm, so I assumed, or at least hoped that everything was progressing.
Mine was a missed abortion- closed cervix, no bleeding or cramping. Doctor recommended D+C, which I wanted. I can't imagine allowing the fetus to pass at home- just not for me. Plus, at 12+ weeks, there could be risk of severe blood loss and infection- I'm really bad with blood. Procedure went smoothely; I had general anesthesia.
I'm still spotting red/translucent with bits of brown tissue. I'm hopefull that my DH and I can bounce back and start again in 3 months. This was my first pregnancy, and we were able to concieve the 2nd month. I soooo don't want to go through this again. It's getting better everyday, but I still breakdown- especially when talking to friends for the first time, seeing flowers, hearing today that my childhood best friend just delivered a baby boy the same day as my miscarriage- even though I'm so happy for her- they had tried for over 2 years to just get pregnant.
It's really a comfort to hear everyone's stories- it makes me feel less alone. Thanks for listening!
-klenna


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## SoCaliMommy

HUGS Klenna

i'm shocked that the night i went to Er when the bleeding started and they didnt offer me a D&C when it was confermed what i already knew on 7/1 but no one believed me on how far i should have been







:


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## klenna

You are a strong woman! I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Buckets of luck to both of us next time around. My husband and I will keep trying for our first baby.
-klenna


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## naturallia

They didn't offer me a DC either.


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## dvons

In a weird way it is almost theraputic to read all these posts.

Mine is almost the same as the Original Poster's post. I found out on Tuesday that my pregnancy was a Blighted Ovum because they had taken blood last week just to see how the numbers were doing and they went down significantly. Started spotting Wednesday, light bleeding yesterday and today had medium bleeding with little clots. Around 3pm I was lying with my DD on the couch watching a movie and felt a gush and though, "I just put on a new pad, it'll be OK" then a second right after. I had soaked through EVERYthing and when I got to the bathroom there was another big gush. I just sat there a while and looked at everything. I never saw any whitish material but there was a handfull of big chunks that looked like placenta.

I did want to say thanks to everyone for posting there stories!


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## SoCaliMommy

Hugs Hugs Hugs


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## klenna

I just found out that the couple who lives next to us (our age- early 30s) is pregnant and due on Feb 16- I was supposed to be due on Feb 12. There is no way I would say anything to them about my week now. So I'd had a good day, but now I'm totally bummin'. She was talking about all her symptoms, as in "this is what you can expect when decide to have a baby...". It's o.k.- she didn't know. I didn't want to spoil her exciting news.
-klenna


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## SoCaliMommy

Major Hugs Klennna on having to deal with the neighbor talking about her preggo symptoms HUGS


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## Nathan1097

http://www.humpath.com/rubrique.php3?id_rubrique=170

I found some interesting pictures of fetuses at various ages. These are very clear, medical pictures that I thought might add to the thread. Back to lurkdom!


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## daisynilson

I am very glad this thread is here. There does seem to be a "common hush" to talking about m/c. I am very lucky to have a group of supportive mamas IRL, and one or two have shared there own stories. Even a few sentences written on a post are illuminating.

I began spotting on Thursday morning. I knew something was wrong because the blood was red. It reminded me of the very start of a period. The fresh blood did not return that morning, and faded to brown spotting. I almost didn't go in for an ultrasound. I decided my crampy feeling was indigestion, and the spotting related to sex my dh and I had had three days earlier. I did go for an u/s, and I could see the baby and there was no heartbeat. My uterus measured 10 weeks (I was 11 from LMP), and my baby only measured 8.5 weeks. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt so shocked. I was given the option of D&C, 4 pills placed inside vagina to induce (done at home by Rx), or allowing it to occur naturally. I decided on the latter.

I began bleeding in Ernest on Saturday evening (today). At about 9pm I passed a large sac. I reached for it in the toilet, and I felt strong "No". I was going to bury it by the apple tree, and listened to that no and flushed it down.

Immediately after I passed the sac I felt lighter. The bleeding is still bad, but is not gushing quite as much.

I'm still trying to figure out what this means, and to feel hope instead of sadness and hopelessness. I guess the reality is I will feel both.

I feel very sad. My best and healing to the women on this thread who have also suffered loss.


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## dshields

Wow, my heart goes out to you all...this is my first post. I found this site three weeks ago when I deduced that I was pregnant. It was still too early to test, at just 4 weeks from my last period, but I knew what was going on...in addition to exhaustion and nausea, my otherwise modest breasts already felt like big water balloons en flambe. I also knew the conception date was right on with ovulation.

The miscarriage started the day before we were leaving on vacation. I spotted light pink the day before, but wondered if it was implantation (this was my first pregnancy). When I woke the next day, my breast pain and heaviness had decreased. When I was headed to the bathroom I felt a period like rush and saw that it was very red blood, nothing like my dark period blood. I went to work to tie up loose ends before we left for vacation and continued to bleed with some clotting, heavy cramping and back pain. I finally called my husband to ask him to pick me up and I broke down when I saw him.

I bled for a total of three days. Other than the heavy, period-style cramping and backache, the physical pain was minimal. I was lucky to be leaving for a very exciting family vacation to keep my mind occupied. Though we were not ttc, I really miss the excitement and mystery of being pregnant, and we are both eager to be again.


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## HopefulMe

Wow. I am so emotional reading through this thread. I just had my third miscarriage in 8 years. I'm still bleeding actually.
I lost at 11 weeks but had a "5-week" embryo according to the ultrasound so I guess the last six weeks I've not had a live one. So hard to take.
I began to spot (pink) and went to the hospital. HCG level was 14,008








Had a rotten Dr. so I don't know level since it went to 600 in early pregnancy.
Maybe I had what is called a blighted ovum?
Anyway, I passed clots as big as silver dollars and 1/4" or more thick. Some had grayish white parts to them. I never got to see a sack but was very mucusy at beginning of m/c. I actually stopped bleeding for over 24 hours but am lightly bleeding again. This started 8 days ago.
I never saw a baby to grieve for but my grief is pretty deep when it's here.
My emotional pain comes and goes and today has been rotten.

Thanks for being here..


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## grypx831

I had a miscarriage about a year ago, but it wasnt' a huge shock as I have PCOS.
I had foudn out I was pregnant about 2 weeks before I started EXTREMELY LIGHT spotting which went on for about 3 days - I dont' remember too well. Then I felt like I had a stomach flu and went home from work. I was laying in bed on my side trying to make the cramping stop - it was pretty mild so I didnt think it was a huge problem. I got up to go to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and it felt liek my uterus threw up (I can't think of a better way to describe it.) The fetus looked like a shrimp, but I didn't have my glasses on and was pretty freaked out so I didn't really "investigate". I had more cramping and "expulsions" for several hours and then all of a sudden it just stopped. I took a shower and went to bed.


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## Beaches

At a routine prenatal appointment at 11 weeks, my midwife was unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I had seen the baby and heartbeat on a 7 week ultrasound (for dating purposed b/c I was not ovulating regularly), so I wasn't very worried. She though that maybe my uterus was tilted. I was sent for an ultrasound and devastated to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. It looked like the baby had stopped growing shortly after that first ultrasound.

The Ob/Gyn who works with my midwife group came in to speak with me. He explained the factual information about miscarriage and said that it was likely a chromosomal abnormality. He was pretty caring, apologized for my loss, and offered for me to use the telephone to call someone. He said that I could wait for my body to miscarry naturally, which could take days to weeks. He also said I could use medication (misoprostol) to stimulate contractions or have a D&C. I told him that I would like to miscarry naturally and he said that was fine.

One of the midwives also came to see me as I was leaving. She was on call at the hospital where I had the ultrasound and had heard the bad news from the doctor. She gave me a huge hug and let me cry in her arms. She also discussed the options with me.

It was almost 2 weeks before I began spotting. I went back to the midwives' office on a Friday because I needed to receive Rhogam. I had spotted for a few days and the bleeding was not increasing. She discussed with me how I might consider using the misoprostol to increase contractions. She said that my risk of infection increased if the tissue didn't all come out and that the misoprostol would help with this and reduce the chances that I would need a D&C. I told her that I would wait out the weekend to see if the bleeding increased.

I really wanted to miscarry naturally, but my bleeding did not increase. I kept thinking that I did not want to take any risks of infection because I have a wonderful 2 year old son whom I love more than anything in the world. I decided that I would use the misoprostol. I inserted the three tablets into my vagina on Sunday evening at 5:30. I was sobbing and shaking at having to do that, but I just kept thinking about my son. I laid in bed for a while. At about 7:30, I started to have craming and some light bleeding. The cramping became pretty painful, but was not unbearable. The cramps stopped at 10:30 and I decided to go to bed. I woke up at 11:30 to a huge gush of blood. It soaked my maxipad and my underwear. As I ran to the bathroom, I felt a clot fall into my underwear. It was about a 3 inch clump of blood. Another one fell into the toilet along with so much blood. I used a slotted spoon to dig the clots out of the toilet to make sure they weren't the baby.

I was starting to feel dizzy so I went back to lay down. I woke my husband up and told him what happened and asked him if he could clean up the bathroom a little bit. He went into the bathroom and saw the blood-drenched underwear and blood on the floor. He came out and said "You don't think that's too much blood?" I decided to call the midwife just to check. She said that it was probably because I passed some large tissue and the bleeding should slow down.

The bleeding was light again so I went back to bed. About an hour later I woke up to another huge gush of blood. I was laying there and then all of a sudden it was like an eruption of blood that soaked everything. I passed some more large clots so I figured this was the end of it. However, it happened again about 45 minutes later. I had been told that I should call if I was soaking more than one maxi pad an hour. The way this was happening, I was soaking a maxi pad, underwear, and a bedsheet in 3 seconds. I called back and was told to go to the ER. By this time I was getting dizzy and it was 2:30am. We called my Mom to come up to stay with my son and my husband drove me to the ER.

On the way there I could feel blood and large clumps passing. The best way that I can think to describe the feeling was like passing gobs of lumpy jello mixed with thinner, half-firm jello. I was also very dizzy and beginning to pass out. For about the last 5 minutes of our drive, I could not see anything. I have passed out before and knew the feeling, but this was so much worse. I was trying to will myself to stay conscious. They wheeled me in to the ER and the whole time I was saying, "Please help me. I can't see. Please don't let anything happen to me. I have a little boy." I kept waiting for the nurses and doctors to say, "You'll be fine" but no one did. That made me really scared. Finally, one of the nurses said "We'll take good care of you." I was really afraid that I was going to become unconscious and never wake up. It was the scariest moment of my life thinking that I would leave my son without a mother.

They quickly gave my an IV, took my vitals, etc. My blood pressure was really low and they kept commenting on how pale I was and how sick I looked when I arrived. They thought I might need a blood transfusion but my hematocrit was high enough that I did not. I must say that I was treated wonderfully by everyone there. They apologized for every painful procedure and said how sorry they were for my loss. The ER doctor did a vaginal exam which was pretty painful. He was reaching up and pulling tissue and blood clots out. He said that they had to determine how much tissue was left in my uterus and if my cervix was dilated.

He was having difficulty determining if my cervix was open, so an Ob/Gyn came and did another exam and removed more. After a little while, another Ob/Gyn came to check on how things were progressing and repeated the same procedure. All this time I was soaking the bed pads and sheets. They had thought that I might have passed most of the tissue, so had me stay a few hours for observation. However, my bleeding did not subside. One of the Ob/Gyn's who works with my midwives came down and did another exam and removed more tissue. They gave me another dose of misoprostol to try to stimulate contractions to expel everything. However, when this did not work, they sent me to surgery.

They said that they could do the surgery there in the ER with local anesthetic, but I said that I would prefer not to know what was going on. I went to the operating room and had the general anesthesia. I don't remember anything until I woke up. I did not get to talk with the doctor after surgery, but she spoke with my husband. She told him that she did not have to use cutterage because the pregnancy tissue was close to the cervix and she was able to remove it. I was pleased, because this meant that my uterus was not damaged.

It has been a week and I am still having some light bleeding. Physically I was just pretty tired for a few days. Emotionally, I am still a wreck. I cry almost every day because I am so sad. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still am so sad that our baby, whom we loved so much, died. One thing that bothers me is that I did not get to see and hold the baby. I had hoped that this would provide some closure. At first I was looking at everything in the toilet, but I was bleeding so much and became so faint that I couldn't do that. I am upset that I either flushed my baby down the toilet or it was disposed of with medical waste. I believe that it was the latter, as my husband said my doctor mentioned "pregnancy tissue." I go back to see her in a week and I will ask then. Who knows? It may have made things more difficult if I saw the baby, so I'm trying to get over that.

Overall, I was treated so well by everyone, so that softened the blow of all this. During my pregnancy, I felt like this baby was a girl, and since the miscarriage I have had two girl dreams. I wanted to give the baby a name instead of saying "it" but I didn't know what name to use. I know it sounds wierd, but was hoping that I would have a dream or some kind of message. Last night I had this foggy dream. I really don't remember it, but it was a little girl and she was telling me her name was Maya. I don't know anyone in real life named Maya and have not heard the name recently. It is not a name that I would have ever chosen, but I feel like it is my baby's name. It gives me some peace to have a name for her.


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## michelle07

What a wonderful thread. I've been reading through it for the past week...and it's helped tremendously!

I lost my baby one week ago today.

I was 7 weeks pregnant. On Thursday, I had my annual checkup with my OB- at that time he confirmed that I was pregnant based on my LMP and a cervix and uterus check. Friday morning, I noticed some spotting with a dull backache that wouldn't go away. I called my OB office telling them that I wasn't worried about the spotting, but the backache concerned me. Dr said I was probably okay and if spotting got worse to call back. Saturday morning the spotting was more than the day before and the backache still there. I tried not to worry about it as I had just had a pap and I spotted for a day or two w/ my first pregnancy- so I thought nothing of it. By 1PM, my backache was worrying me-- I did the TP check and there was bright red blood. I told DH that we were losing the baby. I called the on-call nurse and she told me the standard- stay in bed and only get up to go to the bathroom. Call if I soaked a pad an hour for 3 hours.

I passed the baby on Monday-Labor Day. I did take the baby out of the toilet and inspected it. It's now in my freezer waiting to be buried. I had to look, know... and I couldn't flush it. I may not bury it in the earth. I've been thinking of personalizing an indoor planter and placing the baby there with a plant. Not sure yet. Having the baby in the freezer freaks DH out more than me.

It's been one week. I'm not really sure how I feel. I can tell you that I knew I was pregnant a week before I tested and I also sensed that something wasn't right the entire 46 days that I was pregnant.

I miss my baby. I experienced this for a reason and I hope I learn from it.


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## moma justice

hugs

i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25....i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old....i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it
1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.
i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.
my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...
my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower
that helped
i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world
i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of
it WAS birth
and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.
i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)
that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl
she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.
she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood....i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her....i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying
i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.

that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...


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## AntoninBeGonin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice*
hugs

i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25....i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old....i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it
1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.
i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.
my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...
my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower
that helped
i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world
i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of
it WAS birth
and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.
i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)
that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl
she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.
she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood....i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her....i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying
i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.

that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...

I'm sorry for your losses. I just had to tell you, you write beautifully. That dream you described sent chills up my spine. Many hugs, Mama.

~Nay


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## theboysmama

This is the first time that I have ever posted on a message board so I hope I am doing it correctly. I am so grateful for this thread. It is very rare that you can read about and share about miscarriage in its entirety.
I Was pregnant with my third child. My dh and I were very excited but surprised as I had not yet had a period. At 10 wks we went to the midwife to hear a heartbeat. We didn't hear anything so we went back again at 11 and then at 12 wks. I was very worried. At 12 1/2 wks. I began to bleed bright red. I knew that I was miscarring but I wanted to confirm so I had my midwife schedule a sono. The tech couldn't tell me anything but I didn't see a heart beat and the baby looked way to small. my dh and I met w/ my midwife right away and she said the baby was 7 wks and my body was starting the process of birthing the baby.
The next day I was still bleeding. Around 1:30 my toddler nursed down for his nap and I started getting period cramps. after about 1/2 hour I began to push. My husband was having a hard time with all the blood so called my two close friends over to be with me while he took the kids out. I can't imagine having to be alone. THey were so wonderful. I used hypnobirthing to go through the labor but it was so difficult because I knew that I wasn't going to get to hold my baby.
Finally the surges stopped but I still had not passed anything. I called my midwife and she had me pull everything out. Nothing looked like a baby put my sack of waters broke and my placenta was the size of a quarter and absolutely perfect. My friend took the baby and swaddled it in a washcloth, kissed it, and put it in the fridge.
Next day dh and I baptised and buried the baby under our cherry tree in our backyard where the placentas of our two older children is buried.
I have made a memory box with a rose (that my midwife brought me), video of the midwife appts, the pregnancy test, a story of the experience, and the washcloth.
Sorry this is so long but reading your stories and sharing my experience has been very healing.
We named our baby Sam (boy or girl)

NEW M/C ADDED 2/15/06

This is heartbreaking but I have to add another m/c to this thread. I decided to add it in the same post.
After losing Sam I was totally devestated but knew that I wanted another baby so bad. We had to wait at least 3 months to ttc bcs dh had been on methotrexate for his arthritis. I didn't even get af until 10wks after the m/c. Then I had a 43 day cycle w/ o on day 33 but no cm. Then the next cycle we o'd on cd 19 and got a bfp on cd 23. We were so excited and I decided to enjoy every min. of this pg and tell everyone.
At 6 wks dh and I went out for valentines day (a few days early). When we got home we made love and then I started to bleed. It was pink and then it got heavier. When I woke up I had light cramping. I got in the tub and passed a clot. Then the cramping was over. I went in for a sono and my uterus was completely empty. We submitted the fetus for testing and they could not find any fetal tissue. My midwife thinks that my body had probably absorbed everything. I am so frustrated bcs I want an answer to all of this and I know that there isn't one.
I went to hobby lobby and bought a box. I will write a letter to the baby and put it in there. I will also put in the washcloth that it was wrapped in, my proof of pg from birthright, and all of my pg tests. We named the baby Morgan (for a boy or gir). Naming the baby really helps me to heal.


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## moma justice

so here is my second m/c

i was in my last semester of college, student teaching....and my dh was in college, we had already went thru our first m/c the year previous (see above post)

and i find out i am pregnant...we were using b/c at the time so we were surprise, but i was cautious, yet very happy.

when at 12 weeks we went to hear the heart beat and the midwife said it was strong...i almost fell off the table, i had not realized how i had been holding my breath the whole pregnancy until then...i felt so much lighter.

however around 18 weeks i started a light brown spotting, my dh adn i were enjoying a lot of sex at that point (i guess we were so happy to not have to worry about not getting preg anymore!) and my midwife felt like it was that.

but it did not go away, so she recomended (among other things) prayer adn bed rest....really tuning in to the baby.

so in total i spent almost 2 weeks in bed, using all of my spirtual and physcial energy to will that baby to stay, and will my body to hold it. the spotting would stop and i would get up and try and go back to school, and then it would come back and i would spend a couple more days in bed...

after one week of spotting we had the heart rate checked with the dopler, again strong
after 2 weeks of spotting we had an ultrasound done....that is when we got the news that our baby was strong and alive, but not well, infact would never be well.

i remember the tech putting the ultrasound wand in my vagina and my dh and i watching the screen. we were on a roller coaster of fear and relief when we saw the baby moving and the heart pumping and the tech jus tsaid, "uh, i will be right back"
so she leaves and the wand is inside me and teh baby is alive,a dn we feel overjoyed.until the specialist comes in the room to tell us that
our 20 week old baby had hydrocephalis (fluid in the brain)
infact it had so much fluid there was hardly any brain at all and the head was larger than normal.

and here is my situation, the baby is alive adn well, except for that. he was growing and developing on schedule, the bleeding was some random thing (probably just bumped cervix from too much sex, as the blood was all light adn brown).
all signs pointed to me having an otherwise normal pregnancy and carring the baby full term.
however, b/c the baby practically has no brain, it will probably only live for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, but it would be a vegtable, and hooked up to tons of machines.
and b/c its skull was so large, a vaginal birth would probably not be possible and they would have to do a scheduled c-section.

i was past the legel dates for abortion in my state, so that was not an option.
i could be "induced however" which would be a painful and medical process, but the baby would out and it would all be over.

my world came crashing down...i was trying to finish college, i had worked my way thru school and had already almost flunked out last year b/c of that m/c....i did not have time for that kind of medical procedure. furthermore, i do not even take asprin, i can not imagine being in a hospital, esp when i would be going thru such sad sad thing...i could not let someone else into my deep place of saddness and loss and have them be treating me "business as usual"
but at the same time, i could not comprehend remaining pregnant, getting big, having every stranger on the st rejoicing at my bulging belly, and me having to know that it was not ever going to happen. really there would be no baby.

and the loss, another loss. all of the this came crashign down on me.

i decided (with my midwife's guidence) that i would attempt an herbal abortion/induction. i used prayers and energy and acupressure, and herbs, and castor oil, and vit c. and it was a strict demanding regement.

the herbal tonic alone had to steep for 6 hrs and be taken (one court) every 4 hours, that in itself was very demanding.

and it was so hard to have gone from putting all my total energy into praying for my baby's life, begging it to stay..adn then in one minute having to flip it all upside down and ask it to leave, now.
beg it to please work with me adn stop growing and go. i was so sorry.

i kept on going to school, (my professors were threatening to not let me graduate, despit ethe medical nature of my absences),

i sheduled an induction at the hospital for a date 2 weeks latter, giving my self a chance to try and do it on my own.
and worked my ass off night and day trying to induce labor.
after one week, i began to have some contractions at night, but they were mild adn would always be gone by morning
but each night after ward the contractions would get more intense, more frequent and start a little earlier in the evening.

finaly it was the evening before my induction (scheduled at 5 AM the next day) adn my mom came into town to help me recover....and we were at the health food store at 4 pm the contrations came in hard....
we went home and called my dh home from work (he worked nights)
and i went in to a very painful labor, it was way worse than any labor i had had beofre or since....i think all the herbs that were FORCING my womd to contract made it hur tso much mor than normal labor.

plus i had had to become so emotionaly detatched from the sorrow and the loss...this was a goal, and i had to accomplish it with out taking too much time, being any trouble to anyone else, or making too big of a mess. i did not want my dh or my mom even in the same room with me.. every thing they said was wrong...i just wanted to be by myself.

i remember thinking i would just only lay on the hardwood floor of the living room b/c that would be easiest to clean up afterwards.

i was so pitiful....i remember finaly crawling to my bedroom at around midnight and thinking that i did not care if i flooded the room with my blood, i just wanted to lay down in my bed and die.
i made it to the bed and closed my eyes and rode this one HUGE wave of pain adn CRASH, everything stopped.

at first i thought i had died, i thought my whole body must be gone, b/c i don't feel anythign anymore.

the pain was over. i opended my eyes and felt between my legs, nothing was there...
i was still alive and the baby was still inside me...i began sobbing and wailing...

i felt so tired and punished.

and went to the bathroom to pee and when i contracted my muscles to let the pee out i felt a big plop and into the tiolet came my baby (well placenta)

i was 22 weeks so it was much bigger than my last one, i reached into the potty and pulled it out...adn just held it.

that was it
it was over

i opened it up with a knife latter that night, and it was a boy.
i could not believe how much he looked like my baby.
my baby.

my midwife came and checked my out the next day and every thing healed up pretty quickly.

i convinced my colleges dean not to fail me.
i graduated a month latter.

i lost the weight.

people who had not seen me in a month would see me in the store or street and look at my belly in confusion...sometimes i had to say, my baby died many times a day for months.

i learned that greif knows no boundaries...nor does the strength of my spirit.

amazingly, this m/c exp gaveme something back that my first m/c took from me.

after i so suddenly lost the first baby, i also lost my ability to trust my body, to trust my will, and to trust god.

somehow, b/c god, and my body, and my unborn baby had to work so hard together to accomplish something that all the drs said was impossible, i resetablished my faith.
in my body and my babies and my god.

it was the saddest pain i have ever felt.

but somehow i kept one breathing.

i just wanted to add that along with those 2 m/c i also had one latter that year that i missed a period adn then 3 weeks latter got a big period, i ws sure that i was pregnant.
a couple months latter i was sure i concieved again, this time i took the morning afterpill, i had just gotten a new job post college and i could not face another m/c.

1.5 years latter i concieved my dd and i knew KNEW from the minute she was concieved that she was real
she was ready
and so was i.

and luckily for me, my losses give me reminder to LOVE my baby every second of her life...love her b/c that second is really all you have.

(ps all my m/c were unrealted, even though i was labled a cronic aborter b/c i had more than one, there was no medical connection...just luck.)


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## nichole

THis is my story. I don't think I have posted it on this thread before.

I found out in an u/s that the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. This was at 10 weeks pregnant. So I waited a couple of weeks to pass it on my own. That was a terribly long time. I was going to call on monday and schedule the surgery, but on Friday it started. It did not go well. I bled for more than 30 minutes gushing. I was about to pass out so i called 911. We had to do the d&c. I had been miscarrying for almost two days. More than anything I didn't want the surgery but I had to have it. When they sent me home, I passed out in the car. I came back to the hospital and they wanted me to have a blood transfusion and a catscan. Luckily they got canceled but i had already drank the barium. I had to wean my son temporarily b/c of the barium. By the time it got out of my system, he was weaned. I will always wonder if I had progesterone issues. Maybe if I had not nursed while pregnant, it wouldn't have happened. I know they say it is safe, but I will always wonder.


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## om'na mommy

this is the first post i have put up since my m/c.

my husband and i were going for a hike and i felt a small gush of water. i thought that my vaginal secretions were changing because of the pregnancy. i than saw light brown spotting. we ate beans for dinner that night and i was having cramping so i thought is was just gas









i woke up the next morning and there was brighter blood, but still not very much. i was trying not to freek out. later in the day the cramps started and blood was slowly pouring out, like a medium period. this went on from monday to friday. the cramps got really severe and i felt like i was "going into labor" still nothing came out. so i thought that maybee it disolved and already came out. so i was feeling better by saturday and went to work. by my last massage appt. i had to go to the bathroom. as i went all of a sudden this thing shot out of my yoni and i knew i had finally passed it. i took it out and wraped it in a plastic bag and put it in my lunch bag in the fridge.







i did not want to flush it.

so after work i went to my garden and did a ceremony. i cut open the placenta, which was so healthy and the size of a petite pear. inside was a sack and what looked like a fish egg the size of a pencil eraser. i was supposed to be 2 1/2 months pregnant!

i was surprised and releaved because i realized that there was nothing wrong with my body and it may have been all the hot springs i went to early on before i knew i was pregnant. there was a certain point a week before the mc happened that all my exhaustion, huge appetite, and sore boobies went away. I was even starting to show. i bled dark blood lightly for a week and a half after. than i ovualted. i haven't had my period yet.

we were not planning this baby but with all the emotions we had when we were pregnant, we both now know we definetly want to be parents. It was very hard for the first week when it was happening, we both greeved. and now i am present and fine with it because it is what happened. i am totaly changed forever. we are ttc now with a concious conception.

blessings


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## Naughty Dingo

Thank you Mamas for sharing these very personal experiences in this safe space. I am waiting for my body to miscarry my baby and it has been comforting to read your words. Because of your posts, I have been able to actively choose the route I want to take. My only fear now is seeing my baby when it is born. But I will face that.

Much love,

ND

Edited to add my experiences.

I found out Monday 10-17 that my baby died. I started suspecting something was wrong about 4 days earlier (I had some minor spotting, and wasn't sick anymore) and it was a very painful, agonizing time leading up to my ultrasound on Monday. I was really feeling the grief then. Once I knew, I went on emotional disconnect. I did not feel sadness, anger, fear, anything. I just felt tired. I stopped spotting as I waited to miscarry. I had had cramps after the vaginal ultrasound but they stopped and my body was quiet. What a strange thing. I knew something was going on underneath it all because I would wake in the night and not be able to sleep. I was distressed that I was not feeling more. Everyone was wonderful and supportive but I felt like a fraud because I wasn't feeling grief. A friend told me that this was the grief expressing itself to me. It actually seemed unreal to me that I was even pregnant. I felt the same as before except 10 lbs heavier and my clothes don't fit. At that time, I couldn't even capture in my mind the feelings I have had for the past weeks that I was pregnant. I actually still can't. That made me sad because the baby had been very real to me just a few days prior.

A friend came by with a meal and a gift of tea. Her card reminded me that this baby is real. I know I love this baby, I was so worried about it just days before. Maybe my brain was dissociating my heart to protect myself. I really felt like I needed to experience the miscarriage to go through the experience and have the grief. I worried if I had a D&C that I wouldn't experience it and I would stay in limbo. I also read this thread and saw how important it was for Mamas to actually see their babies, and realized that that would never be an option to me if I had a D&C. I worried about how long it would take before the miscarriage happened.

I was also worried about what it would be like to pass/birth the baby. The midwife and the nurse said I probably wouldn't be able to identify the baby in what comes out. She said it would only be like a heavy period because the baby died at an early point. I was worried I would see a formed little baby. I was worried I wouldn't see a baby. I wanted to be able to birth my child and somehow honor her.

I had the miscarriage on Thursday night. This was what I wrote about it the next morning.

"I am so glad I read about other women's experiences. It helped me know what to expect. I had the miscarriage last night. When I went to bed, the contractions started up and it was over in a couple of hours. I started bleeding and cramping a little yesterday afternoon during a nap but it wasn't until I went to bed at 11 that the contractions really started. Unbelievable that so much blood could come out and how much the contractions hurt. It was really intense and really painful. A lot like labor, just a weird, small uterus labor. The pains were really like labor pains except they seemed to be missing a component. If I had not known that the bleeding would be like that I would have feared I was hemorrhaging to death. The midwife said to expect a heavy period. I worked with baby to make strong productive contractions. I spoke to it and told it how proud of it I was, and how good it was doing making these wonderful contractions. I told it how much I loved it. It was over in a couple hours. I even seemed to go through a transition-like phase where I was puking, had diarrhea, and almost passed out. At that point, I got scared and called out to DP. He woke up and stayed with me, rubbing my lower back, which seemed to be a spot where I was feeling the contractions the most. His hand on my back was one of the best things I have ever felt. I only felt the contractions when I was lying on my side. But I would get up and sit on the toilet to let the blood and clots come out. I gave up on using pads because they would just get soaked and used a towel between my legs. It was very sad but I am so glad I chose to have the baby this way, a birth so to speak. I thought at the time that I had found the baby as well. (I actually didn't, but in retrospect, I realize how incredibly important it was to me to see my baby and I am so glad I chose this route)."

After the miscarriage, I bled red blood. It was kind of like a medium period flow. I had bad cramps the next day.

On Saturday 10-22, two days after the miscarriage, I was putting my little daughter down for her nap when I stood up out of the rocking chair and felt something huge come out of me. It was painless. At first I thought it was enormous gush of blood but it was solid. I passed a biggish placenta about 2 inches and the embryonic sac. I washed it off because it was covered in clots and opened the sac. I finally found the baby and it was tiny, about 3 mm flat little disc. I can only imagine that the baby died but the placenta and extra-fetal tissues just kept growing. That was shocking to happen but I am glad it did. I showed it to DP and also my older daughter who asked to see my baby that came out of me.

I think it is significant that the event of my baby peacefully passing out of my body was separate from the painful scary miscarriage. I am so glad it happened this way.

I knit a wool bag to put the baby and placenta in. I am going to line it with milkweed silk and rose petals from the white roses DP brought me on Monday after I found out the baby died. I am going to also add the baby's four leaf clover that I found right before I got pregnant. I am going to write a note to the baby telling it how much I love it. We will bury it in a beautiful spot in nature, and will put the roses on top.

My friend is a Reiki practitioner and she offered to treat me to help me feel better. It was really relaxing and I was open to the experience. The first amazing thing that happened was than when she put her hands on my hips, I was overcome with deep emotion. I haven't been able to access that part of my emotional self but with her touch it was opened up. When she moved on, the emotion subsided. When she came back to the spot, it came back out. I cried for my baby. I know there is more under there for me to process and I know that is a job for me on a future day. During the session I thought I heard her two year old son in the room. I heard him snuffling through a stuffed up nose. I heard his quiet breaths. I heard the little quiet footsteps on the floor walking around my head. And I felt his presence around my head. I kept waiting for him to ask his mom something and I wondered if it would disturb the flow of the session. But he never said anything. When it was all done, I took the eye pillow off and saw that the door was shut. I asked my friend if her son had been in the room and she told me that No, he had not. I know there was a child there with me. I know it in the very core of my being. I think it was my baby come to connect and be with me. It was amazing. What a gift she gave me with that reiki session. After the session, the bleeding got heavier, like a heavy period flow.

Physically I am now feeling better. I am still bleeding. Emotionally, I feel pretty down, and wrung out. I have been processing the events of the past week, but haven't even begun to deal with the deeper implications of it all. I think that will be hard when that comes to the surface.

I have learned a lot from this miscarriage. I learned that the fear of something like this is much worse than dealing with the actual event. I learned how amazing my friends are. I learned of the deep trust I have for my body, and its ability to do what it must. I was reminded that our children are not our own. We are given them and entrusted to their care, but they are their own beings with independent destinies. This has been an important reminder to me as I try to teach and mold my daughters.

Edited again to add my HCG data.

1.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 206 light bleeding and spotting.
2.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 61.5 Had red, gushing bleeding episode again.
4.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 13.5 Bleeding is starting to increase again.

I have had bleeding in some form or another pretty much consistently for the past 42 days (The week before the MC, and the 4.5 weeks after). After the MC it has cycled between light brown flow and spotting. With a few episodes of heavy red bleeding.

I am really glad I went back on Zoloft when this happened. I have been feeling more depressed than I have been in a long time. It has been a lot to cope with.


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## Willzmama

Thanks for this thread. It has been helpful to read others experiences as I was waiting to miscarry. And now I'll share my story.

I was 10 weeks along. It was last Friday, the 14th. I woke up from some extrememly sexual dreams involving Brad Pitt, which was unusual. I had not felt "in the mood" for quite awhile! I went to the bathroom, wiped and saw bright red blood. I also felt slightly crampy. I consulted two of my pregnancy books, then decided to put a call in to my midwife/OB office. I called DH at work to tell him I thought I was miscarrying. A nice nurse called me back and suggested I come in for an ultrasound. It was so hard waiting 5 hours until the appointment. DS knew something was up but expected a normal day. A friend offered to watch him while I went to my appointment.

It was pouring rain, and although DH works walking distance from the hospital, I told him not to worry about coming over. The ultrasound technician was very kind. She took a look then said she was only seeing a sac, and that there should be more at this point. So right then I knew it was bad. She said an internal u/s would be more clear, and that she'd be back in a few minutes with an OB who would look, too. The OB who came in was also very kind. She said she'd tell me everything but to give them a few minutes to look. I didn't look at the screen. I could tell there wasn't much to see. They took a few measurements, but I just knew. When it was over, the OB gently said normally by this time there should be a heartbeat and there isn't one. And it looked as though I was only 8 weeks along but I should be 10, given my regular cycles and LMP. So there it was. I think they were surprised that I took it so well, but then I sobbed when they left the room.

I was then seen by a midwife who told me I had some options: let my body miscarry on its own, misoprostal or a D&C. Since I was already bleeding, she advised that letting my body do it on its own would be best. And I agreed.

I drove over to DH's office and he came down to the car to hear my news. He was sweet. But he couldn't leave work yet, so I drove home alone in the rain.

I continued bleeding somewhat lightly through the next morning. I decided to go to a Hatha Yoga class, thinking that would help me mentally and maybe speed things up. It worked. I started cramping heavily a couple hours later. I asked DH to take DS to MIL's to give me some time alone. I felt my body wouldn't do its work until I was alone. I started passing clots when I went to the bathroom. They felt like another post said, like blobs of jello. It was a strange sensation when they slid out.

I wasn't sure if I would try to save "it" or not. I actually put the first clot in a baggie but ended up throwing it away after so many more went into the toilet. How would I know when I passed the sac, I wondered? By 5:30pm, my cramping stopped and I thought, that must be it. I must be done. Ha. The cramping started again at about 9pm. By the time DH came home with my sleeping DS, I was out of pads - I didn't know I'd need so many! The only place open was the evil 24-hour WalMart Super Center (sorry if that offends anyone). I wanted to go in myself to see what my options were. Silly me. As soon as I walked in, I felt a huge gush. I knew I must have soaked through my pants. I foolishly did my shopping and stood in line to pay before going to their restroom. My god I have never seen a pad so saturated! And my underwear and pants were a mess. And hanging out of me was the biggest clot yet. I had to sort of knock it the rest of the way out with toilet paper. I hated leaving it there, at evil WalMart, but I flushed, cleaned myself and the toilet as best as I could, and went back to the car. I was scared of how much blood there was. DH urged me to call the midwife. She was on duty and called me back. The bleeding had slowed by then, and she said everything sounded normal, and as long as the bleeding slowed, I should try to get some sleep. I got a good night's rest without further incident.

Sunday morning I was cramping heavily again, so we sent DS to play at my friend's house again. I passed a few more clots but by evening I felt fine. We had some company over, even. Monday morning I was cramping so badly again, DH stayed home from work. Ibuprofen helped with the cramping and I felt fine again by midday. I had an appointment with the midwife that afternoon. I decided I really wanted another u/s to see if I had passed the sac or not. How long would this process take? They did agree to do another u/s although they said they might not be able to see well. The OB that came to look was also very kind. He saw that there was still some material low down inside, couldn't say exactly what, that it would surely come out in the next 12-24 hours and there was no need to intervene. Sigh. Home again.

Today I felt mildly crampy and was still bleeding, but nothing major. At about 12:45pm, I went to pee, and felt pressure, like something was about to come out. Then out came something larger and firmer. It plopped into the toilet. Rather undramatic! I looked and knew it was the sac. I decided to fish it out with a spoon, while DS looked on, asking me what I was doing. Geez. I told him I was cleaning the toilet. It was about the size of a lime, dark red with whitish flecks inside. I didn't want to look too closely. I put it in a clean ziplock bag and put inside another bag. I called DH to tell him it came out. As luck would have it, a friend was coming over for lunch who is a lab technician. She offered to have a look and she felt certain it was the sac. She was very kind. I cried a bit. Our boys played and we had lunch.

I have the sac in the fridge, unsure whether I will have it analyzed or bury it somewhere meaningful. DH said it is up to me.

It has been a longer process than I expected, but I don't regret letting my body do it naturally. I am in awe of my body, in fact. I feel blessed with DS and DH. I feel hopeful for the next one.

Best wishes to you all.


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## mamamoo

I do know how hard this is.


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## Twilight

Hi everyone,

I finally am able to finish my story and post it here. I know it's long, you wouldn't think it would be this much of an epic for such a short pregnancy. I miscarried a blighted ovum around 9 weeks along. I'm glad this thread was here - it was a big help to me as I was waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I hope my experience is helpful somehow.

I first had some brown spotting on October 28. I was seven weeks and one day along. It continued light throughout the weekend, usually brown but sometimes streaked with pink. It made me uneasy but I couldn't do anything&#8230; I was out of town and wasn't about to go to the ER for brown spotting with no pain.

On Monday, Halloween, I went in to the clinic and saw a different doctor than my usual OB. This woman was so wonderful to me - I'm thinking of switching permanently. She was so kind and compassionate, it really helped with this whole process. She ordered an ultrasound so my husband and I went up to get it done. I was prepared for whatever we might see. My symptoms for this pregnancy had been very mild. Almost no nausea, no sorness in my breasts, not even much thirst&#8230; I remembered being queasy, sore, and parched during my pregnancy with DD, so it threw me off. I was prepared for bad news, in my gut.

As the ultrasound started, a dark spot showed on the screen. I knew dark spots meant fluid. I asked, "Is that my bladder?" And the ultrasound tech said softly "that's the gestational sac." And I knew right then that this was not good. I knew at 7 weeks we should see a heartbeat, and there was nothing inside that dark hole. She searched for a long time, and offered up what she was looking for. Something that looked like a cheerio that would be a yolk sac, and a little thing flashing that would be the baby's heart. There was nothing. She wiggled the wand up and down, side to side "checking along both axes" and nothing was there. Finally she removed the wand and said "I'm sorry, there's just isn't an easy way to say it" and she left without saying the thing that was so hard to say.

My DH and I were mostly stunned. I shed a few tears. Not many. He didn't understand how this could happen. He'd never heard of it before. I had heard about it from my online friends, but wasn't really prepared for it to happen to us. Later we decided that of all the 'bad' outcomes there could have been, this wasn't so bad&#8230; there is no baby to lose. Easier to take than to see a baby there with a heartbeat that was in trouble and we couldn't do anything&#8230; right?

The nice OB talked to me about options.. D&C versus waiting it out. I thought since I was already spotting, maybe this would take care of itself. We scheduled another u/s for Friday to see where the process was, and we'd decide then about what to do about a D&C or not.

Most of this week went pretty smoothly. I spotted lightly all week, and it gradually changed from brown to pink to red-streaked. My Friday appointment came and that day my emotional dam burst. I had been holding up so well, and for reasons I can't explain, I lost control on Friday. Nothing at all would happen and I'd just start sobbing. It wasn't even like I was thinking about losing the pregnancy and getting sad&#8230; I was just an emotional train wreck, not thinking about anything, just getting it out. I went to the ultrasound and the sac was the same size. My doctor talked to me again about options. I told her (in between tears) that in my gut I felt the miscarriage was going to start on its own soon. I was such a mess emotionally&#8230; my hormones must have just crashed for this to happen. I was spotting red now&#8230; something was going to happen. Anyway the only good day for a D&C was that day and I wasn't quite ready to do it yet. So we decided on more waiting.

Saturday, I took my daughter to the mall play area for a half hour. When I went to the restroom at the mall, I passed a small clot. I freaked, decided the mall was NOT the place to have a miscarriage, and told my upset two-year-old that we would have to go home because mommy was sick. I bribed her with candy. I went home and nothing happened that night, but the spotting was heavier.

Sunday, I talked to one of my good friends who had been through a similar miscarriage two years ago. She described to me the pain and how suddenly it came on. After talking to her, I decided not to go to an awards dinner an hour away from home. Too far to travel, I didn't want to have a miscarriage huddled on the bathroom floor of a university ballroom. I cancelled and arranged for other people to give my speeches. The spotting got heavier and became more like a period-type bleeding, but it was definitely not a miscarriage yet.

Monday came with nothing major to speak of. I went to work. I came home. I continued with the period-like bleeding but did not have a miscarriage. Mentally this was really starting to wear on me&#8230; this didn't feel right. Miscarriages don't happen like this. You don't bleed gradually for weeks and weeks. You're supposed to cramp and have pain and pass everything at once and be done with it. My hormones must be all messed up. My body was incapable of doing anything right this time around&#8230; couldn't create a baby, sustain a pregnancy, or even get rid of it properly when it didn't work out.

On Tuesday finally something happened (this was 1 week and 1 day from when the blighted ovum was diagnosed - so I was 8 ½ weeks along). That evening, as my husband was trying to put our DD to bed, I felt a pop and a gush&#8230; I went in the bathroom and sat down and a big chunk of flesh had come out of me. It looked like a bloody piece of liver there in the toilet. I stared at it. I actually fished it out with a spoon (don't tell my husband) and tried to figure out if it was the sac. I couldn't tell&#8230; it was torn and flat, so probably not. My husband came downstairs to ask for help with DD and I said "I think I just had the miscarriage. It didn't even hurt."

But it wasn't over. I felt another pop and a gush and sat down and more came out. And then more. Every time I'd finish and clean myself up and put on a fresh pad and flush, I'd have another gush and have to sit right back down on the toilet and pass more clots and tissue.

About 10:15 is when the pain set in&#8230; a pain that filled my whole abdomen. It was especially bad on the lower back and right on the cervix. I took a Darvocet and went upstairs. I found some relief if I got on all fours with my butt in the air. I lay like that for a half hour, but did not feel any more gushes. By 11:00pm or so the pain had subsided enough that I lay down in bed. By midnight the cramping had stopped completely and I fell asleep, fitfully.

Wednesday, I did not go to work. I could tell I wasn't done with this process because of the incredible pressure I had last night&#8230; there was still something in there that had to come out. When nothing happened in the morning, I got brave and took DD to the grocery store. While I was taking the groceries out to the car&#8230; I felt another pop and gush and started cursing my stupidity. I sat on a blanket and hoped I wouldn't make a huge mess in the car. Amazingly, the mess was completely confined to a pad, soaked from end to end. I passed a ton of awful clots. I put poor DD down for a nap without even a story&#8230; thankfully she was feeling agreeable and fell asleep quickly (I hope I never take for granted how awesome she has been through this whole nightmare), so I could focus my energy on running to the bathroom and changing pads. I called my OB to let her know what was going on. She wanted me to come in for one more ultrasound to see how things were progressing&#8230; I made my husband come home from work early and I drove myself to the doctor's office. I used the bathroom there once every ten minutes or so, and passed more clots. The ultrasound tech said the sac was still in there, but it was moving. It moved closer to the cervix just in the time I was in there for the scan. There was still quite a bit of tissue around it. More???!?!! I could not believe the massive amounts of bloody flesh that were coming out of me. It was absolutely gory. I couldn't tell if I was soaking more than a pad an hour because most everything ended up in the toilet. But I felt fine, my skin color was good, I'd had a good lunch and had energy. I didn't even have much pain. This was just extremely gross.

That office visit, we scheduled a D&C for Friday. I decided that my body was going to have to finish the miscarriage in the next two days, and if it didn't, I was going to force the issue. This had dragged on so long and I was so tired and wanted my life back. I got blood drawn and answered pre-op questions and the nurse who helped me fill out forms said she felt she was pretty sure I'd just finish the miscarriage by Friday.

That evening, by 7pm, I was done passing clots and tissue. I still felt an incredible pressure on the cervix and knew there was more coming. Would this ever end?

Thursday came. Exactly 9 weeks along now from my last menstrual period, and a week and a half from my diagnosis. That morning I planned to go to a 9am meeting with a financial planner and then to work. However at 8am I felt another pop and a gush&#8230; and knew I wasn't going anywhere that morning. I arranged for my husband to drop off some papers for me at work, and I sat at home on the toilet all morning. My parents were in to visit and help out with DD, which was somewhat of a help, but there was nothing they could do for me to make me feel better. I was miserable. I wasn't really in pain, but I was trapped between watching TV and going to the toilet for hours. And I still hadn't passed the sac. Inherently this is a very lonely process. It is a hard road that no one can walk for you.
By noon the blood and gore was over but I *still* felt that awful pressure right there on my cervix, and the best analogy I can think of is that I felt corked. No blood or tissue was coming out because something big was sitting there, right on top of the cervix, not letting anything else out. I knew it was the sac. My cervix dilated enough to let out an 8 ½ pound baby.. and it refused to dilate enough to let out a sac the size of an apricot. I was going mad. I cried on my mom's shoulder, I whined about the unfairness of it all, I cried about the lost time and lost chances and the pregnancy that could have been.

Friday, finally. I passed no more clots and had no more gushes. I went to an ultrasound at 11:30 before the D&C. I told the tech I was sure I knew what we'd see. The sac would be there and sitting right on top of the cervix. You know what? It was. Right there. Very low and just sitting there. All the tissue around it was gone&#8230; I was just corked up like I thought.

I was ready for the D&C&#8230; I had eaten no food and drank no liquid, I had a change of clothes and a dear husband who would drive me home and take care of me. The OB came in (the same kind OB I saw from the first visit) and I ranted about how awful my last three days had been. I'd been miscarrying for three days, my body couldn't get it right, now I just wanted it over. I was ready. She said, kind of in a rush, that she thought maybe we could get the sac out without a D&C. Maybe she could reach in and just fish it out. We decided to try. She moved me to a room, used a speculum and a thing that looked like round tweezers, and &#8230; it didn't even hurt. She just pulled the sac out and she was done. I asked to see it. It was there on a white sheet, like a fat bloody Vienna sausage. It was really kind of amazing. She poked at it a little to see if it was a blood clot or tissue, and determined it was tissue. She said that was definitely it, and she apologized for seeming disrespectful to it. I didn't mind. It didn't hold a baby, but it was still a perfect little thing that shared DNA with me and my husband. She took it away for testing and I let her. It gave me some sense of closure to see it. I am not religious at all and I surprised myself by thinking sometimes things do seem to happen for a reason. If I had miscarried completely on my own, I'm not sure I would have recognized the sac. If I'd had the D&C, I never would have seen it. This way, I got the closure I needed. I felt a big sense of relief and a lot of respect.. for me, my body, the baby that wasn't, all the women in the world that have ever suffered this kind of loss.

From the ultrasound we could tell my endometrium was still thickened, so I'm having period-like bleeding now and I expect I will for a few days. I'm a little apprehensive, hoping that everything goes normally from here on out, but worried that it won't, somehow. I'll bleed for weeks or have weird things with my hormones that prevent me from cycling naturally&#8230; I hope that doesn't happen, but my luck hasn't been great for the past couple of weeks and I don't know what to think anymore.

My emotions have been up and down since then. Mostly I feel relief and a readiness to move on. Occasionally I get emotional and cry and feel lost. Going to the bookstore tonight gave me an unexpected sense of loss, seeing the pregnancy books, the children's books, the parenting magazines. Even though I look at children's books all the time for DD, tonight it made me feel just lonely. I miss looking forward to first kicks, the twenty-week ultrasound, my due date in June.

But I'm ok knowing that time will soften the blow and we can try again for a baby very soon. It's easier to have patience as time goes on. I know we'll get there and overall the future looks pretty bright.


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## littleteapot

I wish I'd had this thread when I had my first miscarriage, it would have helped me.

With my first, I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant. It was a surprise, because I was on birth control, but so very wanted.
I was so excited. I didn't tell many people, but I did tell some. Some just guessed on their own by how different I looked.
Late at night I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of blood. I thought, "Oh god I had a period and wasn't pregnant at ALL!" at first. But the next morning there was no more blood. I put a pantyliner on just the same, and hoped that it was just a fluke.
I started having terrible shoulder pain the next afternoon, the day before I was going in to have my first doctor appointment. I felt sick, and in pain. I went home early. My then-fiance-now-husband was not with me at the time (he lived 1500 miles away), I had my best friend. She knew what was happening before I could admit to it.

The cramps were horrible, and felt so different then any other menstrual cramp I'd ever had. I lay in bed for hours, bleeding, and crying, and holding her hand and trying to tell her why these felt so wrong.
She pressed a carved stone egg into my stomach and meditated with me, easing my little spirit to wherever she was going.

After I'd spent a few days recovering, she gave me the egg as a gift and told me to hold it whenever I felt sad, because she'd come back to me.

I had one other miscarriage before the birth of my daughter, and was completely unaware of it. It was a month before I got married and all I remember is an abnormal cycle and very heavy bleeding.

I had two miscarriages after my daughter. One was extremely early: 5 weeks.
Another was after I had an IUD put in. I started spotting the day it was inserted and didn't stop for three months. I was assured this was normal and my fertility hadn't returned (I hadn't yet had a period after giving birth to my daughter). Around 3.5 months after I had the IUD inserted, I had a huge increase in bleeding, pain, and felt nauseated. I pulled out my Diva Cup that evening and my IUD was inside. Along with it was a reddish, translucent jelly-like sac almost the same size. I got scared, because I knew that wasn't part of me, and threw everything in the bathtub and ran the water.
I went to the ER and a doctor palpated my uterus, did an internal, and told me that I had undoubtably miscarried. She drew blood for records, but it took over 4 months to get my doctor to tell me I'd been pregnant.
I'd had no idea I was pregnant, or how far along I was.


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## jukebox

First of all, I should introduce myself. This is my first post, this forum was suggested to me by someone on another message board. I'm Lyn, I live in Indianapolis, I have a wonderful fiancee. I wasn't going to mention this at first because you never know how people'll be, but we're lesbians, and in addition to my miscarriage in September, she's had two since we've been together and two before me, and I guess that's relevant. Her name is Bailey, and I'm very appreciative of this thread. These are the things that I've always wished I could tell her, and she'd listen, but I know that she really doesn't want the mental images that I have.

I had some bleeding at about 5 weeks and thought that maybe either the test had been wrong and I wasn't pregnant, or it was an early miscarriage. I was crushed, but I tried to suck it up and not lose it, and then a few weeks later noticed that none of my symptoms, morning sickness, etc. had gone away, and I'd had terrible morning sickness. I thought that maybe, _maybe_, that had just been normal spotting - it was really more than spotting, but I'd been told that some women have an apparently normal period during the first month of pregnancy - but tried to convince myself that I was grasping at straws and in denial. I couldn't shake what my intuition (and constant nausea) was saying, so I got another test, and lo and behold - I was still pregnant. I was overjoyed.

At 9 or 10 weeks, I woke up bleeding. I knew that it wasn't just a period (I was still, in the back of my mind, thinking that my luck wasn't that good and the positive test was a mistake) because my periods start slow, with just spotting for a full day. But I woke up and went to the bathroom, and the insides of my thighs were covered with blood. I couldn't get out of going to work. I went to work, and was cramping terribly, and had a weird feeling of indigestion. I could hardly stand to walk across the room. I knew that you weren't supposed to use tampons during a miscarriage and I knew that this was a miscarriage, but I was at work and had no choice, and I bled through a maximum absorbancy tampon every half hour or less. I left work as soon as I could, went home, and got into a warm bath. I started passing large clots, bigger than any normal period clots, and just layed back in the bathtub, crying and trying not to look at anything in the water. Bailey had told me what she'd seen with her miscarriages, and I didn't want to see it.

I was weak, and I eventually got out of the tub, and as I did, felt something come out. Without glasses it looked like a huge blood clot, and I picked up with a towel.

It wasn't until I miscarried that I found out that I'd been carrying twins. They were each about an inch long, and what I could never forget was that they had hands and hearts... I never realized how hard this would be to write. In the left center of each of their chests was a little dark red, almost black thing about the size of the entire lead tip of a pencil, which I suppose could've been something else but I took to be their hearts. I never knew for sure, but I've always thought of them as boys. My best friend who miscarried a few years ago says that she knew without question that her baby was a boy, just from the energy. I never did name them. Maybe I should. Maybe it would help.

Anyway, there it is. That's the first time that I've ever told that entire story.


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## D'smomma

I've lost two. You never forget though it does get easier with time.

The first was on Dec 2, 1990. Dh was in the Gulf during desert storm while I stayed with his mom... I found out I was pregnant shortly after dh left. I began having tummy cramps around the 10 week mark but didn't think a lot about it I already had one dd who was 1 1/2 I never imagined anything could be wrong.. I visited the doctor faithfully yet at my 12 week appt. the dr. said he thought I may be carrying twins and would like to do an ultrasound to find out for sure... He told me this but also said to not get to excited and not to run home and get in touch with dh.. (I should have paid better attention-- been able to read between the lines better but I didn't) I shouldn't tell this until we were sure. YEAH right!! Dh called that night (I had nothing to do with this as I had no way of contacting him). I told him about the possibility of twins and we both shared in the exciting prospect of having two babies at once.
I went in the next morning with my mil and mils sister. Mil went back with me to get the u/s so she could see her grandbaby(ies) for the first time. The u/s had barely started and the nurse said "I don't see any movement" and "there's no heartbeat"... I wasn't too excited I just said "well maybe I'm not as far along as you think I am" to this she came back with "NO your baby is dead!" I totally broke down... fell apart right there and then for not only did I just lose one baby but the possibility of two. I couldn't see through my tears as I walked across the hall to the dr.s office... before I even entered his room he asked me "when can I pencil you in for a D&C?" I said I didn't believe him or his hateful nurse and that he wouldn't be scheduling me any time soon for one to which I was told I had better be careful because I could bleed to death and I wouldn't want to leave my dd with out a mommy! I went home and prayed/cried myself to sleep that night.
The next morning I called a family dr/friend and asked for him to perform another u/s just to ease my mind. He originally didn't want to but after a little persuasion on my part he agreed. The u/s revealed there was only one baby and it had been deceased for two weeks. I ended up going through a d&c without dh--VERY hard.
I lost an innocence with this pregnancy loss and a ton of respect for dr's in general.

The second was in May of 1996. I was again 12 weeks pregnant but this time I began bleeding along with tummy cramps... I went to the hospital; an u/s was preformed which revealed a teeny tiny baby with a beating heart in a very large sack. I saw the baby on the u/s. It only mildly reassured me. I continued to bleed for several days and the tummy cramps gradually grew worse to a point I ended up back in the ER. I begged them to do something the baby was still alive but there was nothing that could be done. (I later found out that the baby wasn't growing properly). I rode home again and to me it felt like the last few contractions at the end of labor I was doing my "choo choo" breathing (from Lamaze) to cope. I walked to the house made it to the bed. Dh barely laid down when I heard a loud POP dh heard it too it was all over.. I immediately felt 100% better. I went to the bathroom where I found a white bean looking thing and a ton of blood nothing else. I took this with me back to the hospital. I was hemorrhaging so another d&c was preformed. I was more at peace with this loss as I could see it coming... I knew it was inevitable. I was offered a small ceramic jar and the ashes of this baby for a family burial if I chose which I did. I purchased two jars one for the first baby too... even though I didn't have that baby I still had u/s pictures and a small rattle and socks that I had purchased... So those things were placed in the jar and we had a small ceremony for both losses. We also released a pink and blue balloon (I always envisioned the first to be a boy the second a girl). It was a great release, much needed closure.

With my pregnancy with DS I was a basket case! To put it mildly!! I've lost every other pregnancy and he was the every other. I made it to 12 weeks and began bleeding. I KNEW I was going to lose him. I never allowed my heart to get attached EVER (how sad is that?). I was diagnosed with low lying placenta and placed on bed rest. Then at 30 weeks I began having preterm labor. I was placed on meds to stop labor. Thankfully I was wrong and I now have a very health 6 month old and couldn't be any happier.


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## leavemealone

I waited about three weeks from the time I found out that I most likely did not have a viable pregnancy until the time I finally m/c. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of Nov 05 and went to the dr on Nov 21. My MW did some blood tests because she saw bleeding on my cervix and because I did not have any pregnancy symptoms other than a positive test. The next day, I found out that my pregesterone was very low. My MW offered me progesterone supplements, but I chose not to take them because I had felt all along that something bad was going to happen with this pregnancy. I had an u/s on Dec 1 and the baby measuered 7w2d and we couldn't see a heartbeat but the technician said that my bladder was too full (and I tried twice to empty it) and was not allowing her a clear view of the baby. On Dec 8, I went back for another u/s and still no heartbeat could be seen but the technician said that a color u/s machine would give a clearer view and that she'd have my MW refer me to a local hospital for that. The color u/s was set up to be done on Dec 13 - I ended up not needing that appointment.

On Dec 12, I got up and went to work as usual. When I got to work, I went to the bathroom as usual, but when I was washing my hands I felt a weird feeling in my uterus/cervix/vagina area. It felt kind of like jello was coming out of me. I take two steps towards the door of the bathroom and realized that the 'jello' was coming out of me then. I go back into the stall, sit down, and out comes the 'jello'. I wasn't sure what it was, but I could tell it was not a clump of blood so I reach into the toilet and pull out a fully intact sac. It was clear but with a yellowish tint to it and I could clearly see the baby inside. After that, the floodgates open and I bled fairly heavily (about two pads in the next hour). By the time I got to my MWs office an hour later, the bleeding had greatly reduced to only being about as heavy as a heavy period day but I had no major pain or cramping (only as bad as a regular period). By the next day, my bleeding had slowed to a medium flow day. On Wed Dec 14, I passed another clump that, again, felt like jello sliding out of me which my MW said was normal tissue that sometimes comes out (gee, I would have like to have been warned that this would happen). My bleeding stopped on Sat, Dec 17. I honestly had very little pain (no worse than a period) and my bleeding (other than the first couple of hours) was only slightly heavier and slightly longer than a regular period.

I do realize that my m/c seems to have been very different from other's experience (in terms of pain and bleeding) but it was no less emotionally difficult for me. Physicially, it wasn't very bad which may have helped me deal with the emotional part of it a bit better than I expected I would. Also, my MW was surprised to see the sac as intact as it was and she did explain it to me (as in 'this is where the placenta was forming', 'this the yolk sac', etc) which also may have helped me deal with it emotionally a bit better than I thought I would.

Kathleen


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## beemama

I want to add my story because reading through these has helped me immensely. I knew what to expect & didn't panic when it got dramatic.
It's still fresh on my mind & I'm not entirely sure it's over, I'm still spotting.
On Friday the 30th I went for my first prenatal appt, they did an u/s & were only able to see a sac measuring 4w6d, and through charting I knew it was supposed to be 6w4d. I had suspected a problem earlier on when my constipation turned into other GI problems & I had only fleeting moments of nausea but extreme fatigue. I tried to find reassurance in that but just had a feeling.
The MW's plan was to do another U/S in 2wks, and I was dreading the wait. 2 days later, on new years day, I started cramping very deep & spotting. By bedtime it was bright red, light flow. The following day I started passing some clots & had medium flow & more cramping... it hurt into my lower back & I wanted to squat & do pelvic rocks/tilts. On the third day the bleeding slowed down considerably & the cramping/aching back got much worse. By the afternoon I was extremely uncomfortable and felt a lot of pressure at my cervix. I started using the heating pad on my lower back & tummy, it helped. A few mamas suggested I try blue cohosh so dh went out & got some... I took the "recommended dose" and got into the shower. I felt the need to really scrub, i have no idea if this made a difference in the progress but it felt good & really cleansing. I suddenly felt the urge to push and did so & out came a mass along w/really large clots. I was in a little bit of shock but thought to stop the drain. I squatted & stared at it, it was surreal. It wasn't as dramatic as I was expecting. I poked around in it & saw what looked like the sac & placental tissue.. the sac looked like a deflated cocktail onion, only larger, and the placental tissue was whitish streaked w/ blood & had a bumpy surface, about the size of half my palm. I called to my dh & he brought me a jar. I pulled out the tissue and put it in there & finished my shower... feeling great & peaceful about the whole thing. I felt great about my body's ability to take care of itself... and calm about the loss. That night I had very heavy bleeding at times but pressure was gone & I thought the worst was behind me. On Wed. I had more cramping but lighter flow again, a few med. sized clots that would only come out when I used the bathroom... in fact from this point on that's the only time I would pass clots. I was feeling calm about the whole thing & thought it was all getting better. Thursday started out a lot like Wed., cramping & mild bleeding... but I had to go to the hosp. for blood work & a rhogam shot, while there I passed a massive clot, probably the size of a plum and had a lot of cramping. After the clot I began to bleed pretty heavily again. When I was leaving the hospital, taking the elevator down, the grief hit me like a wave. I fell apart. It was sleeting out & when I heard the sound of frozen rain on some dried hydrangeas I truly began to feel the loss. I think that's when the shock of it all wore off, I was consumed by sadness. Friday morning started out w/cramping & med. bleeding, by lunch I was an emotional wreck. I started bleeding heavily, passing small bits of grey tissue & felt even more pressure on my cervix. I was trying the tilts/rocks, heating pad. I was miserable. And felt out of control w/my emotions. Luckily, my dd spent the afternoon & evening w/my IL's. Dh came home at 5 & I had just tried to get in touch w/my MW but got a recording. I was considering going to the hospital because I was feeling so weak & had a lot of pain & low grade fever. We sat & watched a movie, I had a lot of pressure & pain. I started crying out of nowhere and had to get up & use the bathroom. When I sat down I started to really cry & out came another large mass, again the size of a plum. Since we were at home we fished it out because I wanted to inspect it. It was mostly clots. But part of it was a knobby, fleshy mass... and it scared me to death. It looked like a piece of a more advanced fetus, but broken down some. I started looking online to see if it was even POSSIBLE... so many things were running through my mind. I was so afraid to go to the hospital w/ it, wanting to wait until Monday to bring it to my MW. I have such a fear of hospitals, esp. ER's. I talked w/a friend & she calmed me, explaining that it may have been scar tissue. I had to go w/that theory because it wasn't nearly as gruesome as my first explanation. I did some research & think it may be a fibroid. I'll have to wait & see if they can identify it. After that passed, the bleeding picked up considerably. It's hard to say how much, I was using dd's flatfold diapers folded up, several times I soaked all the way through the 8 layers, not much but a drop or so would make it all the way through. The cramps began to subside & today I'm once again feeling that everything has passed. I have spotting to light flow and no cramps. I do have pain & pressure if i have to use the bathroom but other than that I feel back to normal in my tummy. I am pretty weak and need to eat some good iron-rich foods but I *think* the worst is behind me, physically.
Emotionally I feel a little more evened out today. I was feeling so irrational yesterday and it peaked right before the tissue passed. Today I am sad, but calm. I'm not dealing as well as I thought I would. I had a loss in '95, a blighted ovum.. I had the d& c, it was a very cold & hollow experience. I didn't enjoy much of my dd's pregnancy worrying, and knew that if given another pg I had to be positive, no matter what the outcome would be... what is it.. hope for the best, prepare for the worst & shoot down the middle... only there's no way to guard against the pain you experience w/the loss of a pregnancy. It's just plain sad.
ETA~The MW said the tissue was pooled blood along w/left over placental tissue. It looked much scarier than that to me, but after it passed my body started getting back to normal. The bleeding has slowed down & I've been just spotting for 2 days, no cramps. Starting to feel kind of "normal" again.

Lots of healing vibes. Many Blessings, Kelly


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## kochanyk

This thread helped me a lot too so I wanted to add my experience. At 14 DPO of my first PP cycle (1st cycle in nearly 2 years) I found out I was pg. The night before I had a dream that I was pg with twins so I decided to test- even though I wasn't even positive I had ovulated- I thought maybe I was sick and had higher temps. I had some s/x but mild (sore breasts nursing, bloating, and heartburn that was the worst that I've ever felt in my life and NOTHING helped). Well, 3 days later I got sick- felt like I had the flu. I had the shivers and then hot flashes and night sweating- I haven't had the flu in years so I thought it was odd. With my 102 fever I went to sleep and had a dream that I m/c'd. The day after the dream I POAS'd and it was still dark BFP... but then I started to have bleeding- light, but that is a regular AF for me (this was NY's Eve). I knew it was over- instantly it seemed all my s/x were gone. I continued to bleed for another 6 days (I normally only have a 1-2 day AF), getting + HPTs the entire time (was checking to see if my HCG level was going down- they were getting lighter but still 2 lines). I had NO pain until the 6th day- then I got bad cramping and a backache for 2 days. By day 11 of bleeding I retested and HPT was -. I bled 13 days total and was 17 DPO when I started to bleed. I saw very few very small clots after the pain started (about the size of capers). I didn't, and still do not, feel any sense of loss. I'm grateful that this happened earlier rather than later and accept that in the greater scheme of things there was a reason for this to happen. I was very confused about how long I bled, etc til I read this post. I would like to thank you all for sharing your experiences- I'm very sorry for your losses mamas


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## aileen

This thread helped me so much when I started spotting. I thought I'd add another account. I wrote this to send to someone I'd met online who had been waiting to miscarry naturally.

Both of the midwives we were considering use only fetoscopes until labor so we hadn't even heard a heartbeat, let alone had an ultrasound by the time I started bleeding, one day shy of twelve weeks (Saturday, December 3, 2005).
The bleeding was pretty light, but alarming, at first. Bright red and somewhat clotty but only like the clots of a period. It continued for about two days in that way - I would only "spot" when i went to the toilet - nothing in between. Being unsure was so difficult. I think I thought mostly that a miscarriage was inevitable but by Monday morning I was in a hopeful mood wishing it was related to placental implantation or some other fluke. I'd been so still for those 48 hours that I finally decided that we needed a nice walk in the snow for air, to see if it stopped or started something, to clear my clouded head. I laid on the ground. I think I'd been thinking all along that if I could just sit on the ground, if it wasn't frozen, my body would respond by releasing or holding on. Really, I think I was holding on too.
When we got home and warmed up I took off my wind pants and my daughter slid her whole little body into one leg of them. We had called the new baby Lentil and then recently decided that that name was no longer fitting and my husband had started calling the baby Caterpillar. Maeve, my daughter, started sliding across the kitchen floor, and in a voice not quite her own said, "I'm goin' away now. I'm changing. I'm not a caterpillar anymore. I'm changing into a butterfly."
I gasped. I quietly started to sob. I felt the first large clot fall into my vagina.
One of the midwives mentioned having a colander by the toilet to pee though. I grabbed one (and a beautiful ceramic Mexican bowl) and from this point on I pretty much had enough warning that I made it to the bathroom for all the large clots. At first the clots were red maroon and about dime to quarter sized. I also thought I saw a mucous plug - sort of red and white striated but all loose and flattened out. No pain, no cramping. This lasted about an hour or two.
Maeve went to sleep and my husband came home and I started to experience contraction like cramping. Slow and strange at first, and I found my self rocking back and forth, little breaks in between, still not much change in what I was passing. I tried to remember that this "pain" was purposeful, my body was doing amazing work totally intuitively. I thought of the contractions as "rushes" of energy (Ina May Gaskin) and tried to be thankful for a conclusion to this struggle. Though this really varies from woman to woman, I did not experience the contractions as pain, just pressure, and as long as I stood or leaned and swayed the pressure was useful and deal-able. I also used a heating pad. I called my midwife from Portland several times and she really helped to walk me through it. The insight I got from the five (FIVE!) midwives I talked with during this whole process was invaluable. (Three of the five had had natural miscarriages themselves.) She told me to expect clots that were fairly solid and sort of "liver-like". So don't be scared when they get larger. Or, rather, be scared but just for a second, and then realize that it is normal. My body took a little rest and I talked with my husband with the heating pad on my belly. It was quiet and late and sweet. Just like a labor where you sometimes get a lull before the pushing, after this phase I began to pass some much larger clots. I was surprised by how much bigger. I think 2 by 3 inches or so. Anyway, big. Shocking. Amazing. And a lot of blood. Never so much that I got really scared. The rule I heard was soaking (truly SOAKING) more that a pad every 30 minutes was considered dangerous and would probably merit a trip to the ER. (Although I also heard every 15 minutes.) I found it a bit difficult to measure because I spent so much time on the toilet when I could feel something coming. But it all felt efficient. And I felt safe.
After I passed some large clots things really started to taper off. I started to feel a sort of a sense of peace and was suddenly very sleepy. I got up a fee times to pee and was still bleeding, maybe redder, but not anything that seemed like too much. Sara (our beloved midwife) said it will ease out, and there will be a lot of blood, clots, tissue, but it should never pour out. I think this helped me gauge.
We met with a midwife in the morning. We had made the appointment before we knew the miscarriage was imminent. We were hoping she could check for a heartbeat with a doppler. We went to thank her for her willingness to help and tell her that we were sure the pregnancy was ending. We went out to breakfast. We thought it was over.
Later that day I passed another large clot. Very solid. (Often large clots are followed by a little gush of red blood.) A little firm clot in the middle that I thought might be the baby. I wasn't sure. Most often the fetus is lighter. This clot (did it have eyes?) was very dark red. I thought, "Now it's over."
The next afternoon I was was feeling kind of puffy and stiff and my perineum was sore and I had a toothache (minor) on one side of my mouth. I took a homeopathic remedy that fit this crazy list of symptoms. Arnica. Made from a plant that gets beaten about by the wind on mountaintops. Good for when you're feeling "bruised". It was the first medicine I'd taken since I'd gotten pregnant. It was the first time in the process that I felt like I needed a little help. So I took three little white sugar pills that supposedly have the energetic force of a tiny flower wrapped around them. I don't know if... but... An hour later I was totally surprised "WHOA!" when I passed a huge clot a bit smaller than a light bulb but the same shape. The shape of a uterus. "This is a good sign," I thought. I thought maybe this meant it was the last of it and that it had clotted to the shape of my womb and so there would be nothing left behind. I was troubled by the thought of a D&C. I can fully understand that it would be easier for some, but it sounded so traumatic to me. I'm sure what I've described here would be utterly traumatic to some. For me, it was part of my healing from this loss. The time of waiting gave us time to process. People were sending us love and wishes. We contemplated. Everything. It was utterly sad. But it was amazing too. Amazing to be in the shadow of birth. To see THIS part of the process - ultimately the same process that results in an eight pound human with fingernails! When Maeve was born I read that some laboring women feel a connection to all women, all mothers. I don't remember that. But in this time I do - and I did - feel one with all mothers (as you have mothered the tiny being you lost) who had stood and cried, released their hopes of a child, and bled. Strangely, I've never felt more connected to a group. And I was so viserally reminded of my daughter's lovely birth. I didn't know until I felt those rushes again how much I'd forgotten of the sensations.
Then I opened the clot. Inside was a tiny, perfect, clear, amber sac. Attached carefully to the center of a beautiful placenta. All purple and shimmering silver. And empty. Empty but for one tiny egg white bit attached to one side.
It's possible that the baby passed first, and the sac healed itself back up. The placenta had clotted so perfectly around it.
But I think the baby was barely formed. A Blighted Ovum. Just the start.
All this is just to say: If I had been in Portland, if I had found a midwife with a doppler, if I had chosen an OB, if, if, if, I would have know this weeks and weeks ago. Could I have waited to miscarry naturally? I don't know. I do know that I'm so glad everything happened the way it did. I feel at peace. Desperately sad, but at peace. I'm proud of, not angry, with my body. I feel capable - that beautiful placenta! - not forsaken.
Not that I don't have bad days - days when Maeve sees me weeping and whispering "Trust" and "Release" over and over. My mantra.

A month after I wrote this I have been much sadder and, at times, bitterly angry, but it helps me to remember how pleased I was at the time with my body, with the process. I said at the time that I felt blessed in both my birth and my miscarriage. And hopefully I'll get back to that peace.
I don't think I'll be able to conceive again until this anger subsides.

Thank you again for this thread.







Nancy


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## heartmama

Edited to add more info in a minute


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## Christi

On Wed Jan 19,2000 I had a gush of blood. No Cramping. I called my Dr she said go home get some rest. Everything seemed fine. Sat Jan 22 dh and I got married. Wed Jan 27, 2000 I had a nother gush of blood. Doc ordered an u/s. The baby had died, It was measuring 13 wks. I thought I was 15 wks. Doc told me to wait for it to pass on its own. So we wait.. for about 2wks and nothing. Dh and I were staying with a friends 15yr old while they were in NY. At about 6 I felt some really wierd sensations in my low abdomen. No cramping. Almost kind of like a vibration. I put on a pad. Then when I would have a contraction brownish fluid would come out. I started to have pain with them. I told Jacob that I was going to be having the misscarriage tonight. If anything goes wrong I could end up in the hospital. He looked confused. 15year olds don't have a clue. We went to bed and I remember moaning with a contraction. Then I felt a pop inside of me witha huge gush of liquid. I went to the bathroom. I peed and when I wiped the baby was right there in my tissue. I looked at it. I remember being surpised by how much it was formed. the head eyes ears nose hands torso legs... I was immediately in love. I thought it was beautiful. I cried. It was a miracle to me though. To think that my body could grow another human. I started bleeding. I moved into the bath tub to clean up. The blood was gushing at regular intervals(with each contrax) I remember being told to expect some bleeding. The blood wouldn't stop. The water was so bright red with blood. I got out and put on a pad and immediately filled it with bllod. At that piont we called my mom who lived next door to my friends. She came over adn Terrell had to carry me downstairs. Then he stood me up to put on my shoes I passed out from losing so much blood. We were going to go to the hospital where my Doc practices but it was too far. I went to the local ER and they had to do an emergency D&C. I had a piece of placenta that would not came out. I was released the next day. The next week my midwife organized a burial ceremony. I think seeing my baby and having a burial really helped me heal. I often tell my dh that I wouldn't change it if I could do all over agian. He however said that I would just have a D&C, It really took a toll on him. THat is why he wouldnt' let me have a homebirth with Gareth and why Viola was born in a freestanding birthcenter 2 min from a hospital.


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## riverundine

whew...reliving them...hope it helps someone...

dh and i had been ttc for over a year, after 11 yrs together, so we were excited beyond belief.
we were flying to colorado with a layover in phoenix. descending into phoenix, i felt cramping, and it felt 'wrong'. at the airport i went to the bathroom and there was light pink blood. i called my midwife and she said it could be okay, because it wasn't red, but that it was a 'threatened m/c'. these words sent me into tears. i was breaking down on the electric walkway, and it sucked. and we still had to hop on the plane to fly to denver. we were headed to a little town to check out a few houses we were interested in, via leadville. i asked my mw if the elevation changes would be okay. she said there is no evidence that elevation changes cause m/c. i disagree, but it's irrelevant at this point. dh and i sent pure white light to the babe the whole next flight, and in denver there was no blood. in silverton the blood was red. i bled lightly through the night in leadville. the next day we were in the middle of nowhere. the cramping got progressively worse until i got really scared. we stayed in our friends rv, as it was the only bathroom for miles and miles. i sat up on the commode for hours as the cramps turned into excruciating pain. the mw said i should go to the er if i had severe bleeding, severe pain, or a high fever. dh kept freaking out, "is this severe pain?" yes, but it's coming in waves, so i think they are contractions, which seems normal. (i'm scared of the hospital, so really didn't want to have to make the journey). i was passing clots for hours, and it really felt like a knife was turning in my abdomen. i couldn't lie down for the pain, so i just held myself up over the pot, cuz sitting hurt too much. eventually i remembered ina may, once i realized there was no saving it, and started to 'ride' the contractions, rather than fight them. this made it so much easier, albeit way more sad. letting go. but eventually things calmed down and i went to sleep. the next day we had to go look at the houses, cuz we had it all lined up and spent a lot on the trip. it was extremely hard, and i was very grumpy to the one super perky real estate lady, but then something very nice happened. at one of the houses dh and i took a walk back to the creek by ourselves. i squatted to pee and a clear sac with red and blue arteries and veins in it blobbed out, with no pain. i was able to release some emotions, crying and freaking out a bit. dh buried it on the side of the creek. then i had to get it back together to go back to the house and the agents. this is the house we bought, with our little love buried on the creek. i never even thought about going to the hospital, but in hindsight i'm glad i didn't, cuz i avoided a d&c, which is really scary to me.
we were pregnant again 3 months later. i only knew for a week, maybe, and then i drove down the pass, 6000 feet lower in elevation, to school. at lunch with classmates, one an md, i felt cramping. she said that was not a good sign. after they left, i went to the bathroom and saw blood. i knew what was coming. i knew i had to get home, an hour away, but first i needed underwear and a pad. i was having severe cramping as i hobbled into kmart to buy panties, just in shock that i was having to miscarry in that god-forsaken place. then i went to the hfs for pads. eiyiyi. then i sobbed the whole way home. the pain went away and i thought it was that easy, since it was only 5 weeks in, so i went back to school the next day. i went to see 'what the [email protected]#$* do we know' that night with the md. right away i started to cramp again, and found myself hanging off of the tp holder in the bathroom, wondering again why i always seemed to find myself in such f***ed up places to have a m/c. half an hour or so later, i went back into the movie, as the cramps had lessened. the md never asked a single question! once again i thought it was over. a week later i woke up where we were camping and felt like i was going to pass the babe. i asked dh to walk with me to the pit toilets. the dog and cat followed, too. i sat on the toilet for awhile, just waiting. the cat, dog, and dh all sat around me. eventually a big blob passed, into the bottomless pit, and i felt that it was 'over'. it was very nice to finally have my family around for the closure to the experience.


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## mrsalf97

The "birth" story of our baby.

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Warning this will be long and graphic.

I'm not even sure where to start. My dh and I were friends for six years, we dated for three and we have been married for eight. We were married Oct. 1997 and August 4, 1999 we found out we were going to be parents. I had hyperemesis and my water broke at 24 weeks, luckily at 40 weeks and 5 days I had via c-section a healthy baby boy. I should say that at the end of August my dh told me that he had diarrhea, and that everyone at his work had it. He was in the USMC at the time. Well weeks went by and he still had it. After many tests we found out that he had either ulcerative colitis or chrons disease. The dr asked if we wanted to have children and dh said that I was expecting. He said that "that was good because we may not be able to have more". The medicine is harsh and my dh was very near death so the USMC said he was no longer fit for duty and booted us out on New Year's Eve 2000.

We moved back to Louisiana and he was very ill. We always believed that if we were meant to have more children it would happen. Dh was put on medicine that would cause birth defects so we were very carful during that time. In June 2004 he stopped taking that medicine and we decided we would start ttc in 6 months. The dr. said he needed to be off the meds for 3 months before we tried, but we wanted to give it a little longer.

When my ds was three he started begging for us to have a baby. He would sometimes cry at night that he wanted a baby to love. He wants a sister, but he wants a blue one. lol It was heart breaking every month to get af. The pain, the clots, and the mass amount of blood volume was too much to take at times. I knew I should see a specialist, but kept putting it off. A friend told me about an herb that would help to unblock my tubes so in October I started taking it. My dh and I went away for our anniversary and thought for sure we would make a baby on that trip. On November 3, I got the worst af of my life. I am no stranger to pain, I've had kidney stones, ovarian cysts, gallstones, and 24 hours of 1 minute apart contractions with my ds. This af was like no other and I could not get out of the bed for 3 days. I had 3 clots at a time and they were the size of plums and I went through 30 cloth pads a day (thank goodness my friend owns a pad business). The pain was immense! I now believe that the herb cleaned me out.

I always get af by the 5th of the month so December 5th I woke up and took a test. It was there, what I had waited for years to see. It was faint, but it was there. Two beautiful lines! Everyone was elated! My symptoms were mild, only nausea. Then the symptoms went away. I told friends that I felt wonderful, but worried that they just stopped. Then Monday Jan. 9 I had nausea and was so happy to have symptoms again. Oh I need to backtrack a bit. A few months prior my dh started having a flare up and lost 30 pounds in a month, I thought he was going to die. He got better, but soon after finding out we were having a baby he started to have a flare up again. He is doing a little better now.

I did not want a planned c-section and I was having a hard time finding a ob/gyn to take me. So, I found out about a midwife at a local hospital that would assist me while I vbac. She did not take our insurance, but she took medicade so I went and applied. I was accepted so I took her my medical records from the naval hospital. I had never thought to look at them, but decided to do so and didn't see any information about the c-sec. No reason why it was done or how it was done. It just said "28 yo female, c-sec." and that was it. My ds and I went to the hospital to bring the medical records and we go lost. They accidentally sent us into the birthing center. I had never been in a birthing center, but it was not at all like I expected. My heart started racing and I felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack. We took off out of there fast. Ds asked why my hands were so sweaty. I realized that I was scared to death to give birth. We finally found the dr. office and when we went in I saw a friend of mine that was due with her second in 2 1/2 weeks. I told her that I was really afraid to give birth and that I would go home and started reading Birthing From Within to try to alleviate the fears.

So the midwife called and said she could not see me because it doesn't say what kind of incision I have. I was upset but decided to track down a navy dr. lol Well, never found her. So I started calling doc's in other cities and midwives all over and no one would see me without knowing the type of incision. I started thinking that I would have to have an unassisted homebirth and the thought scared the poo out of me.

Finally I got a call from a midwife 1 1/2 hours away that said she would take me, but that she would not be able to have a dr. back her. This frightened me, but I wanted someone with me. She wanted to see me in a few weeks.

So on Tues. Jan. 10, I was here reading that Meeshi didn't want her girls to know about the baby yet because of her history of miscarriage and then I read that Anne Marie thought that she had a ovarian cyst rupture and Amy was saying that she had a cyst rupture. I turned off the computer and walked into the kitchen. All of a sudden I had a sharp pain on my left side. I decided to go lay down for awhile. While I was lying down I was thinking about what it would be like to meet the midwife and to hear the baby's heartbeat. And then (and this is so hard to even think about let alone admit) I started wondering if everyone would be excited even if it was a boy (everyone expressed desire for a girl) at that moment I felt something slide out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood. I was frantic so I called my dh (who just happened to stay home from his crummy job that day) and he told me he would head home. I called a dear friend of mine and she was in a store. I heard her drop her items and start running outside where she could here me and I could tell she was crying. She told me to call a nurse (that I had recently spoke to about vbac) and to get in the bed. I called the nurse and the midwife and they both told me to stay put. My friend started calling any and everyone trying to get ideas. My dh made many trips that day getting creams, herbs, teas, and homeopathic remedies. I stayed in the bed all day and night and only got up to use the bathroom. I was still spotting, but it wasn't much and sometimes there wouldn't be any. I stayed in the bed all day and night Wednesday. My dh totally catered to me. On Thursday he hooked his laptop up in the bedroom so I could let everyone here know what was going on. That morning I started calling doctors and no one would see me since I hadn't been seen yet. This really pissed me off to say the least. The big baby hospital here does not have an emergency room, but they have an assessment center so we decided to go there. I was sitting in the waiting room reading The Natural Pregnancy Book by Aviva Jill Romm and it said that if you are having a threatened miscarriage you should not have an internal exam.

They called me to the back, but would not let my dh come with me. The nurse told me that I was five weeks along and I assured her that I was in fact ten weeks along and that my dates are very accurate. They drew blood and then came to get me for an ultrasound. Now I kept asking to urinate and then kept telling me they would have to ask the dr. first. They never told me they were drawing blood or doing an ultra sound or anything. I really didn't care at this point, I just wanted to make sure that the baby was ok.

I thought I would get on the table and the ultrasound tech would say that I was carrying twins and that's why I was bleeding. Instead she said "this baby is only measuring five weeks, according to your dates you are ten weeks". Well at least she knew how to count. ;o) So finally I could urinate and then she would do an internal ultrasound. She said that the baby was measuring at five weeks and that it may have died five weeks ago. I was speechless, that is not at all what I was expecting. I did not cry because I did not believe it. She went and got the radiologist and he shoved that probe in me and said "your baby must have died five weeks ago". He was so rough and he said there was something on the left that he wanted to check out. I saw another sac. And I asked him if that was another sac. He said that's what he was trying to figure out. He was really hurting me and I was squeezing my dh's hand (they finally let him come back with me). So they sent me back to my room. The nurse came in and said that it may be a blighted ovum. She said I would need to see a dr. in a couple of days to have the HCG levels rechecked. They were at 16,000 which was low but my dh kept saying that maybe I was a day or two off on the dates.

We came home an called the midwife and she told me not to lose hope. She had just caught a baby boy that only measured five weeks when he was ten weeks and he was big and healthy. This really gave me hope. I told her about the other sac so we both thought that I was losing the blighted twin and that's another reason why the baby was measuring small. That evening I started hurting and bleeding more, but thought it was from the rough exam.

Friday I felt better, but stayed in the bed. That afternoon I started having contractions about ten minutes apart. I thought I would just pass the blighted twin and the other baby would be ok. During the night the contractions started coming so hard that they didn't let up. I got up and tried moving, rocking my pelvis, getting on all fours, everything I could think of. I started to somewhat accept that I was losing the baby. My dh called the midwife but she was asleep. I told my dh that I wanted to be sedated. I did not want to go through this pain and not have a baby to hold at the end. I stared bawling and went back to bed, the contrations never let up. There was never a minute to rest between them. The midwife called and said that there must be something else going on because they should let up for a minute. Oh the radiologist said I did not have ovarian cysts, but I had a small amount of fluid in one fallopian tube and in the back of my uterus. He said that other sac may be a uterine fibroid, but I really didn't believe that. My dh kept telling me to get in the tub, but I couldn't. I want to birth in the tub, but I was afraid that if I ever had the chance to do so I would associate it with losing this baby.

My mom lives six miles away so my dh left to go get her heating pad so I could do a castor oil pack. I was in the bed and felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and a sac came out. I started screaming for my ds to bring me the phone. I wanted to ask my dh if he thought I should get it out of the toilet. Before ds could give me the phone I started to vomit so I flushed. The vomit looked like it had blood in it. I had no idea that I would go through all the stages of labor. I could hear him telling dh that I was throwing up and he needed to get home. This was surreal, it felt like an out of body experience. It was like I was looking down on me and watching what was happening. I was hallucinating and in so much pain. The phone started to ring so I pushed the button and heard another friend ask how I was doing. I told her that I was dying. I was in so much pain that I really did not think I could live through it and I really thought I was dying. My dh walked in the door. He put me in the bed with the castor oil pack. I was wailing about having to flush the baby. Friends kept calling and I kept telling them how upset I was that I had flushed the baby. I was really talking like a crazy person. One friend begged me to either go to the hospital or call the dr. about the blood in the vomit.

My dh left to take our ds to my dad's to a b-day party. While he was gone the friend that called while I thought I was dying called and said she found someone to watch her children and she was coming over. I told her that I was lying in the bed naked and bleeding and she laughed and said she didn't care. I told her that my dh may be taking me to the hospital, but I would call and let her know. I called him and he said that we were going to the hospital. I called my friend and she said she would meet us there. Poor thing waitied probably about an hour for me. I jumped out of the bed to take a shower and I felt incredible, like I could run for miles, yet my heart was still broken. My dh came in and I told him that my friend was coming over, he asked that she wait to visit so we could grieve together. I called her and we spoke for a long time. She told me that she was so glad that I was so happy about being pregnant and so glad that we had told everyone early on. She said that when she is pregnant her mother won't even acknowledge it until she is in her seventh month. I had been thinking that if we are ever blessed with a next time I would wait, but her words touched my heart and I now know that I will not wait. I want our friends and family to rejoice with us when we find out and be there for support if somthing were to go wrong. I could not have made it through this without my wonderful husband and a couple of friends. My dear friend that helped me get through this called and said that I should have saved the baby to have analyzed and I cried and told her that it was too late.

I was in the bed snuggling with my dh and I felt like I had to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and the baby slid out. I started screaming, but my dh was too upset to come in. I ran and got a ziplock bag and a glove. I picked up the baby and started talking to it and telling it how much we love it and how sorry I am that this happened. It was developed and had arms, it looked like a perfect ten week baby to me (according to pics online). My dh did not want to see it so I wrapped it in a wash cloth and gently placed it in the refrigerator. I was so glad that I had not flushed it, but I felt hollow inside. I called the midwife and she said to go ahead and bury it.

My ds called to see if he could spend the night with my dad. He has never spent the night there before and never wanted to. Once I started to bleed he started to distance himself from the baby. He used to talk to it first thing in the morning, at least once during the day, and at bedtime. He always had kisses for the baby. As soon as I started bleeding he did not want to talk to it or kiss it, he wanted me to do it for him.

So my dh leaves to go bring some clothes for ds. I'm still in the bed crying and he calls and said he was just in a head on hit and run. Luckily he was not injured and there was only a small amount of damage. He said the guy had to have been drunk or asleep. He turned around and followed him to a gas station. He got his license plate number and called the police. The police said it would be his word against the other guys word, but they would send a unit out. Well, no one ever showed up so he called again and they said they were just too busy to send anyone out. So, I guess that's the end of that.

The next day (Sun. ) my dh had to go back to work (he hadn't been since Monday) so I went to go stay with my mom. While I was there her boyfriend called and ended their relationship.

This past Sat. we got a certified letter stating that my dh is being sued for an accident that he was in, in March. It said we need to get an attorney (that we cannot afford) and that the insurance company will only pay a certain amount and we will be responsible for the rest. My dh was driving a beat up 96 Tauras and hit a 2002 full sized truck. If there was any damage, the guys bumper *may* have been dented. Yet, he has lost enjoyment of life and a ton of other things. Then transmission went out on his car in Sept. and we could not afford to get it fixed so we had it hauled to a junk yard (we thought they would buy it). They didn't want it so I called every other one for hours away and no one wanted it. We owed a storage fee so we ended up just giving them the car in exchange for the storage fee. When I had my ds my mom gave me a 1993 Caravan that needs several thousand dollars worth of work. My dh is driving this to work so ds and I don't get out much. So, you are probably wondering why I'm telling all this, but I just got on a roll. I think this man is suing the wrong person. All we have is a ds, debt, and medical bills. lol

This past Sunday evening my step-grandpa died. He died in his sleep.

This has been a strange year already for us. I hope all the bad things are over (or almost over with the lawsuit) and that we can welcome some new good things in our lives now.

My ds and I attend a Unitarian church and a few day ago the minister called. During our conversation he asked if anyone had made insensitive comments to me. I said "well, yes they have". And three friends that I have been friends with most of my life have been the most insensitive. When we were leaving the hospital that Thursday I called my friends to let them know what was going on. One was screaming that she couldn't tolerate her children and was calling one of them a cry baby and a brat. Another friend said "you know that girl I work with? her baby died in November and can you believe she is still walking around with a dead baby in her" oh and this one takes the cake. A friend who is also married to a family member (who I wouldn't be surprised if she reads here to see if I'm talking about her and I never have until now). She is 28 and had a hysterectomy earlier this year, I have always been very considerate of the words I use with her. Her 29th b-day is today. When I called to tell her that I may be losing the baby she said "awww, I hope you are finished soon so you can go out and drink with me for my birthday". Wow, I just didn't know what to say.
So, I have learned who I can lean on in time of crisis.

We told ds that the baby was not healthy and won't be joining our family, but that we would try again soon. He got this idea on his own, he thinks that I need a seed in my belly to grow a baby. He does not know that there was a baby to bury. We don't own this house (my inlaws do and they live next door, we don't have a good relationship with them so dh never told them about the baby). I was having issues with burying the baby here and having to leave it if we are ever able to move. I was also afraid that if anyone (like my dh's sociopath nephew that lives with my inlaws) found out about the baby, it would be dug up. So anyway, last Wed. my dh and I buried the baby and we are going to plant a fig tree over it. When we move we will plant a fig tree there. So, everywhere we may live we will plant a fig tree. Ds knows that we will be planting the tree, but he does not know there is a grave under it. When we came back inside the three of us stood together and bound our wrists with red string and said that we are a family bound by love. We cut them and made bracelets, we were suppose to wear them until one of us was ready to remove it. In less than an hour ds had pulled his off. Dh came home that evening from work and his was missing. lol So much for the family bond. lol We are going to make a birth altar and put the braclets on them. I washed dishes and took a shower and mine was fine.

My friend that was due when I went to bring the medical records had a beautiful baby girl on the day that I started bleeding. My cousin is due the same week I was so that is going to be difficult. My mom thinks I'm being selfish because I said it would be hard to see her holding her baby when I should be holding mine at the same time.

Last Friday night my ds just did not want to go to sleep, then he started crying that he doesn't want me and his dad to die. Then Monday night he started begging me to try to have another baby in my belly.

I'm going to my dr. in a few weeks to get my thyroid checked and then to a specialist to have a miscarriage work-up. I just want some things ruled out before we try again. We are all (even dh) going gfcf. We have been needing to do this for years and this was the push we needed.

Even though this has been a horrible time in our lives, so many positive things have come out of it. I am no longer afraid to give birth. This realization came the day after I lost the baby. I woke and went to urinate and my yoni was burning. I knew then that, that's what it would be like after a live birth and it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I'm now anxious to have a peaceful birth at home in the water with a midwife. My dh and I are closer than ever and have even decided to renew our vows. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for women who have been through this.

I feel like I have been reborn, like I just woke up from a haze. I used to get upset over petty things and they don't bother me anymore. I was spending too much time on the computer, on the phone, and spending too much money. I wasn't spending enough time enjoying and loving my family. We haven't been eating healthy or exercising and all that is changing. So we are taking all of these bad things and finding trying to find the positive in them.

We just hope and pray that sometime this year I will have that seed in my belly again and that at the end of it all we will be holding a happy healthy baby.

Sorry this was so long, but it was therapeutic to finally get it all out.
__________________


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## ChichosMama

is not very well broken up or written, but I can only do so much throught tears.

This past Saturday morning I started feeling crampy. It wasnt the first time I had felt this way during this pregnancy. I couldnt remember how the stretching felt when i was pregnant with jimmy, so I figured that is what it was. This continued throughout the day. Jen (absolutely) came over in the afternoon and we hung out. I told her about the cramping and she agreed agreed that it was probably nothing to worry about. Then I went to the bathroom, this was around 5pm. I had a light pinkish discharge. Thats when I started to get worried. Jen was eing supportive and telling me it was probably nothing to worry about, I should however contact some sort of health proffesional. So I hit up an old homie from a mentoring program from high school. He was a med student at the time (still is 2 years to go), anyways I proceeded with the questions. My words to him where "if i go to the er almost 11 weeks pregnant m/c-ing there is really nothing they can do correct?" He proceeded with his dr talk of drugs and what not. I explained to him what was going on. He was very set on me going to the ER. This was something I wanted to avoid. At the time I really hoped that it was nothing. Just pregnancy spotting. A little later after him trying to convince me to go I told him I needed to call my mom. I told my mom what was going and she told me I needed to call my ob or Katie(midwife friend). I couldnt find katies number so I called my ob's office. The doctor that I despise was on call. She told me that "unless it got worse that it was probably nothing to worry about. " At that time it wasnt even enough to warrent a pad. I hung up with the damn ob and told my mom. SHe said that she still thinks that I should go to the ER. I hung up with her and told her I would keep her in the know. I went to the bathroom again around 7 bc I had feld two gushes, but it was still just light pink discharge. Before this bathroom trip I went around 6 to wipe a little brown bllod which I thought was good bc brown is old blood. Then it subsided completely. Until the 7pm trip. It was time to put a pad on so i could gauge the how much was coming and when/if I needed to make an ER trip. Not five minutes later was their enough to see. But it was still the pink discharge, but I knew I needed to go. So did she, she was half way out the door with jimmys carseat. I called my dad and dropped 2 bombs at once-= im almost 11 weeks pregnant AND bleeding hence needing to go the ER, please come get jimmy till jim gets here. He was totally calm with an okay, no problem. We get to the ER at about 8. My dad meets us and says nothing about me not telling him. He was very supportive and re-assuring me everything was okay. He took Jimmy and Jen stayed with me. Jim later met my dad to get jimmy and stayed with him at home(it would have been more stressful to jim and myself if jim and jimmy both were at the ER, or just Jim even- hospitals are not a good place for him.) Finally see the BEST freakin nurse ever around 9pm. He was so great. Cracking jokes about Duran Duran's girls on film video after I told him nurses and dr dont know shit about breastfeeding. He was just great. Totally making me laugh and m aking me feel really comfortable. He even lied on my shit so i could see the dr sooner, if that worked Id hate to know how much longer I would have waited if he didnt. I have to pee in a cup so the hosp can confirm pregnancy. ha that was a joke. Peeing in a cup is just not my thing. Anyways, a few hours later he comes out to tell me that I was preg. DUH Gets my last period info and writes it on his hand. Totally love this man. Some time later I get my blood drawn, I see him before I go in and tell him Im starting to pass clots. He nodds. After blood stuff I get to go back in the waiting room. After lots of complaining by Jen to the staff, I finally get in to see a dr at like 2:45am. SHes so livid for me, i love her so much by that point. I get hooked up with another fanfreakintastick nurse. I have to go get an u/s before any other stuff. Get wheeled to the u/s room. THe guy was very to the point. I dont get to see anything. He pointed to a chair on the other side of the room for Jen. After I lied down- Jen promptly moved over next to me. Love her. She asks all the questions I cant . THeir is just no will in me by this point. "NO I dont get to see anything, and no he doesnt tell me anything." Shes vissibly pissed. heh. After the unfortable external u/s he tells me i need an internal. Id never had one before, but had never heard anythnig good about them. Jen asks him about it, b lah blah blah is all i hear. I just want to get over this and move on to the next step. It was so painful. He was like digging for gold. I tell him that what he was doing at that point in time was really uncomfortable. This MAN says he knows. I mummbled you KNOW? Well thats very goof then. It was finally over. He told me the dr would tell me everything I needed to know. When I got up he put a blanket around me. Thats when I KNEW he saw nothing good. I wanted to loose it right then. But I didnt. I get wheeled back to the room. I layed back down on my side talking to Jen waiting for the damn pelvic. It was then that I had 2 huge gushes of blood. Right then the nurse came in and I told her what had just happend and ask her for some cloths. She got some and soaked them with warm water and asked me if I wanted her to do it, I ashamedly nooded my head yes. She had no problem with it. Then placed some dry ones in between my legs- it was then that I lost it. Although while she was cleaning me, she was trying to reassure me telling me that the u/s had just stirred things up. But I knew it was over. The nurse left to get the dr, jen came andhugged me even though I told her I would super loose it if she hugged me, and I did. But I needed that hug so badly at that moment and she knew it. The dr came in and did the pap the nurse was at his side. It was so umcomfortable. WHo knew so many insturments fit in their? ha. Cervix was closed. Diagnosis- threatend abortion. Got a 'script for vicoden and left with some false hope. The u/s showed baby only 6 weeks and 6 days with no heartbeat. When I was at the hosp the dr tried to make me feel better by telling me that at such a small size heart beats are hard to find. But I had come to the conclusion that the baby must had died weeks ago.
I cry myself to sleep. I layed in bed and did nothing, as that was what I was told to do. The bleeding continued, jen left around 4 pm Jim was home and roxanne came over. After rox left Jim went to get food. Thats when it all happend. I had to poop so i went to do so. while my had was in the toilet I felt a short squirt of water like I had just pissed my hand. But I didnt feel like I just pee'd, I sat their puzzled for a moment, as I have really good bladder control. ha Then I realised that was probably my "water breaking." So I took a feel. Not even like shoving my fingers inside myself for their was no need everything was right their. Seriously when I sit on the toilet my cervix is right at the opening. I felt something soft that wasnt apart of me. I knew something was going to pass. I tried sqauting in the bath tub. That didnt help at all. So i put back on my underwear and pants and squated on the side of my bed for about 15 minutes. Then decided it was time for another go. So I sat and rocked back and I knew when I where to go foward it would come so I put my hand out to catch this surprise. And that I did, I had to sit their for another 15 minuted bc it was stuck and I was not about to pull anything out of my body. Been there done that, almost died. No thanks. I do another foward front and it comes. By this time Jim was back , I told him to bring me something to put it in so i can look at it. He does. I look, but I really dont know what Im looking at. THey said the baby would be so small, that I wouldnt be able to see it. And that I didnt. Its in my fridge right now, but has lost a lot of its original form. During this time I was very calm- focusing what was at hand. No hysterics or anything- go me. The toilet was super red- I knew due to my bleeding out with jimmy I really had to watch my blood loss. Fortunatly I have been really good.
I felt some peace. I knew that their was no "maybe" and this baby was with the Lord. But it did not take long for me to loose it emotionally. And I have been going since on and off ever since. I've decided Im going to plant it in a pot with and grow chrysanthemums.

I feel really sad that I ddint get to see any "baby like" anything. I would have loved to. Although I have cried a lot, so much my tears run dry, yet- I dont feel like Ive done enough. The pain runs through me, the hurt is so deep. The knowledge of an empty womb is unbearable. I scrub so hard in the shower and wash with such hot water it scalds hoping to get some sort of release. Hoping to wash it all away. I feel like Im having a really hard time healing. I feel so incomplete. I really need someone to walk me through this. I know who that someone needs to be, but I'm having a hard time with Him right now. So for now I really need some support and/or some advice


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## surf mama

At 8wks I had a dating ultrasound at my midwife's office and we saw the heartbeat but her machine wasn't strong enough to date it so she referred me for another u/s. I went in at 9wks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured right about 9wks so it had just recently died. I knew as soon as I saw the u/s and the still picture of the baby and the u/s technician stopped chatting with me and started measuring everything. I was just in shock! We had been trying for over a year and a half. I had been diagnosed hypothyroid but I was being treated and closely monitored so everything was expected to go well. The radiologist and u/s tech were both so kind as they broke the news to me.

I went over to see my midwife and she said I could have a d&c or m/c naturally....she warned me that it could take up to a month. I was sure I wanted to m/c naturally. On my way home I bought pads and ibuprofen as I was sure it would happen at any moment. Of course I ended up waiting 3 1/2 weeks. (In some ways I wish I hadn't known so far in advance.) The waiting was really hard for me. Every cramp or twinge made me think it was coming. And of course a small part of me wanted to believe that maybe somehow everyone was wrong and I'd still get to keep that baby.

The night it finally happened I had gone to bed early but kept waking up feeling so restless. At midnight I felt strong cramps/discomfort so I woke up dh and said I think this is it. It was strong enough that I knew it had to be it. The pain increased and was really uncomfortable for about an hour. I felt worried and panicky not sure I could handle it. But then I felt a pop and gush and the intense pain left. I still cramped and contracted off and on but not that constant extra strong pain. I also threw up at this point but after a half hour I was able to eat and drink without getting sick again.

My dd woke up at about this time (1am) and wouldn't go back to sleep so dh turned on the tv and we all watched the Olympics and he cooked up quesadillas. I went between laying on the couch with a heating pad to sitting on the toilet. My body would cramp up and feel miserable for a few minutes then I would get up and go to the bathroom and something would slip out...mostly medium sized (approx half dollar size). As I layed on the couch dd would pat me. It really helped to have her and dh up with me.

Dh and dd went to bed around 5am and soon after that I passed a larger piece about the size of a large plum or tangerine. I could feel something big coming out so I put my hand out and caught it. It came out so gently and warm into my hand. It was strange how peacefully it came. I'm sure the baby was in there but I couldn't really tell what I was looking at and I was tired and nervous too. I saved it in a zip-loc and then put that in a pretty white draw string bag and put it in the fridge. I later put it in the ground where our flower garden will be.

I passed more small pieces through out the day and the next morning but then I only spotted after that. It is now a week later and I still spot especially when I am busy moving around. I am feeling better now that I have m/c-ed but of course it is still so sad. I really wanted this little one. I really feel like I did the best I could while I was pg and I'm grateful I got to catch her and hold her and bury her under the flower garden. While I was pg and we discussed baby names my dd said they were nice names but she made up the name Humee and said that was the best name. So I guess that is her name but I also looked up a name for her after I m/ced and I think of her as Hania which means resting place.

If anyone is reading this while waiting to m/c please feel free to pm me for support or with questions!


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## BethanyB

Well, here's my story. It's long. It covers my m/c and also the death of my newborn son. I feel like I have to explain it all. My dh and I have been together for 16 yrs. We have waited to start a family until recently. I felt like I still had some growing up to do myself. Anyway, we got pg in Jan of 05 and were elated. My pg was like clockwork; no problems of any kind. I had my first u/s at 20 weeks and found out we were having a boy, who we named Quinn. During the u/s we saw fingers, toes, a profile of his face, everything looked good. The u/s tech took measurements of everything and said everything looked fine. I sailed through the rest of my pg until 38 weeks. I had to have another u/s because my doc suspected my fluid levels were low. The u/s was longer than usual, and the tech kept taking measurements of his heart, which I thought was weird. When I finally saw my doc two hours later she told me that his heart didn't look "normal" and wanted to send me into the city for further testing. So I'm freaking out and have to drive into town by myself. I meet my dh and we go to the hospital and wait around for hours before I finally have another u/s. After another hour or so, a OB/GYN shows up (from home, in her jeans) to "have a long talk with us". Our hearts sank then and there. She tells us that she thinks our baby has something called trisomy 18, which is usually not compatible with life. She tells us that his heart is severly malformed, his kidney is malformed, he most certainly has extensive brain damage, and it doesn't look like he has eyes.
Dh started crying immediately, while I just sat there, in complete shock. We eventually went home. I didn't cry for like 2 1/2 hours-I couldn't even fathom what she had told us. How they hadn't caught it earlier is still a mystery to us(!).
The next week is a blur. Went back in for an amnio, and genetic counseling. Found out he actually had trisomy 13 (rarer, and even more severe than 18). Talked to a social worker. Scheduled induction. Went back to hospital 5 days later to be induced. Whorlwind labor, Quinn born in less that six hours. Spent 35 hours loving Quinn with family, before his little heart gave out. Cried more than I ever have in my life.
Foolishly, dh and I got pg again only nine weeks after. I knew it was stupid but I wanted a baby *so much*. The minute I found out I was pg, I got paranoid. I was worried about everything. I was about five weeks when I told dh that maybe it was too soon, emotionally as well as physically. It was impossible to relax. Went to first doc appt at seven weeks and had an u/s. She couldn't find a hb, but told us that maybe we weren't as far along as we thought, but I _knew_ my dates. The next week we went in and found out our baby had died, probably around six weeks. We kind of felt like we were so used to bad news, it was like "Oh, of course this happened. How could anything actually _work_ _out_ for us?" So while waiting for my m/c to start, I sank into a pretty deep depression.
I wanted to m/c naturally, but after waiting two weeks I ran out of patience and got inducing meds. It happened pretty quickly, and with lots of ibuprofen, I felt no pain. I lost tissue and clots over about a six day period. Emotionally it was a lot harder than physically, but I went through labor w/ Quinn w/out meds, so my pain threshold is pretty high. This whole experience has left me feeling pretty f*ckin' tough, like I can handle just about anything, but also extremely vulnerable. I am *scared to death* of losing someone else that I love. I know that I couldn't handle another loss right now. I feel like I have had all that I can take, and am hoping that our very bad luck has passed us. Still, we won't ttc again for several months.


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## newcastlemama

I was 13 weeks when I started lightly spotting. My midwife said it was probably fine. When clots started coming out 3 days later I went to the ER to see my baby lying motionless at the bottom of my uterus. There was no heartbeat. This was probably the saddest moment for me and my husband.

I was sent home at 5:30 pm and at 4:30 am I woke up with labor pains. I took some tylonol and went into the spa around 5:45. At 6:15 I felt my water break and I ran through the house, got my husband and went in the shower. Blood was gushing out and then the baby came out. Totally visible on the shower floor. I stood there crying and staring at the little body while the blood kept flowing. I thought the amount of blood was okay(the ER dr said it would be a lot) but later I would find out it was too much. It was gushing out for a few hours... I was on the toliet every 10 minutes.

To make the story short, I had an appointment at 9 am that morning with my OB. I blacked out, vomitted, and went into shock from blood loss in her office walking to a room. I was sent by ambulance to the hospital. My blood pressure was 80/40 and there was blood gushing down my legs and all over the carpet. I had to spend the night on an IV and now I am on Iron and antibiotics. The drs could not believe that I avoided a blood tranfusion. I am to rest, not drive, or carry my toddler for 2 weeks.

People kept commenting on the physical trauma of the miscarriage, but that part never made me feel scared or sad. It was all emotional pain. I am feeling better day by day but just a moment ago I saw a picture of my son Jack's ultrasound on the desk...I was very hard to see the Baby Rose would never make 20 weeks in my womb. I am glad that we had a funeral for her yesterday in our backyard in the rose garden. My husband and I were able to look at her one last time and then release her to the Lord.

I hope this can help someone...Jennifer 3/2/2006


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## Autumn Breeze

I will add mine.

1st one, between 4 and 6 weeks. I had just gotten a positive test, when about 8 hours later I began cramping, they were quite intense and I bled heavily. I never felt dizzy, and only passed a few clots. This lasted about 2 hours, then my cramps became lighter and the bleeding slowed considerably over the next hour to two hours.

My second miscarriage happened about 3 years after the birth of my son. I found out on August 2nd that our baby had passed away (9 weeks 3 days). I chose to wait for it to happen naturally. On August 3rd at 6 pm I began to cramp. On August 4th, (9 weeks 5 days) at 11:30 am, I began to spot. I spotted all day, and my cramps got increasinly worse. At 5 pm, my cramps were quite intense, possibly more physcially painful than my sons birth. I began passing clots at this time, and decided to drink a wine cooler. My cramps got a liittle better, but I was bleeding liike a heavy period, still passing clots. At 11 pm I couldnt go to sleep because I was afraid I would leak on to the bed. At some point I soaked 3 overnight pads in 90 minutes, and a towel (w/ the last pad) and nearly passed out. I called the midwife on call, and went to the ER. I thankfully did not have a D and C, but the OB on call did swab out my vagina, as there were a lot of clots that had ot passed.I went home with major cramps at 3 am, and slept til 8. An ultrasound the next day revieled an empty uterus, and I bled lightly for the next 13 days.


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## momtoNatalee

Reading these stories would have helped so much when I went through my m/c.

It happened in Dec. 2005. I was 6 weeks along and it was my first pregnancy. I had some light brown spotting when I woke up in the morning and started feeling so sick. I thought I must have caught a bug. Still not sure to this day why I felt so weak. The spotting continued throughout the day and I had already been cramping since I found out I was pregnant, but the cramping kept getting worse. I went to sleep that night in tears b/c I had a feeling that it was going to happen. All night I kept waking up and going to the bathroom to check for more blood. At about 6am the bleeding started to turn red and get more heavy. I was so freaked out that I called my Mama and she came over and we decided to go to the ER. I had bad cramps by that point and started feelign faint. They put me in a bed and blood started gushing out in clots. The NP came in and did an exam and that is when I new 100% that I had m/c, she showed me the sack, but I can barely remember what it looked like. All I remember is small, about a grape size and clear. They gave me something for pain and shortly after went home. Nothing ever had hurt so bad in my life!! I cried ALOT for a few days.

I kept reading about waiting until so long after to try again, but I decided it was in God's hand and he would decide when I would get pregnant again. Well a month later I found out I was preg. again, I never even had a period. Now I have my beautiful almost 8 month old dd who I thank God for everyday!!

Also wanted to add I cramped the entire time my second preg. w/ my dd. Everyday I thought something was wrong! I even spotted at 4 and 8 weeks and still went to term. Our bodies are amazing things.


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## merpk

Not able to post the whole story yet. Had an ultrasound this past Thursday. We're at 16 weeks. No heartbeat, and the baby is only measuring at 14 weeks or so. I haven't felt any different, though had noticed that my belly wasn't feeling quite so "hard" anymore this week. Haven't had any spotting. Even feel occasional fluttering, though DH thinks (reasonably) that it's just intestinal gurgling.

Nothing's happening. Baby's with me yet not with me. Do not have the energy to wait for anything to happen naturally ... and two women in DH's family have had tragedies with unborn miscarried babies, so he's not willing to let me wait either. So we've got a D&C tentatively scheduled for this Wednesday.

Will edit the post if there's something more to tell. Wishing I could give details of our previous miscarriages just to make the post worthwhile, but honestly, being in the middle of one, it's hard to feel them and bring them up.

Hugs to all of you.


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## mom2booman

In August of 2003 Matthew and I had made the decision for me to quit taking my birth control. We wanted to have a baby. I so longed to be a mother. I prayed every night for God to bless us with a child. Each month that my period came, I was so disappointed. I knew though that when it was Gods will, we would get pregnant. About 4 months of trying and then that most wonderful day came along. I had previously bought a handful of pregnancy tests from the dollar tree, and had taken a few negative ones already, but for some reason on Jan 9th I really felt compelled to take another one. The second I did, I left the room until the allotted time had passed. When I am came back in I looked down and expected to see another negative one and it was positive. It said I was pregnant! I saw 2 lines. I called Matthew and that night we got a more expensive one and it was positive too! We still didn't believe it though. We thought it was too good to be true. We made an appointment at the doctors and they confirmed it for us. When we got outside Matthew screamed. We were overjoyed. Words can't explain how happy we were. God had answered our prayers. The days and months that followed were the happiest ones of my life. All the planning and dreaming about the baby. My baby and I instantly bonded. I was in love with him. I can't even describe my feelings of happiness knowing my baby was growing inside of me.
Then a horrible day came. February 6th. It was a Friday night. I get to work and we were slammed. The other hostess didn't show so I was by myself and we were so busy. I was so stressed out. Towards the end of the night I started bleeding BAD. After work we went straight to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound and we saw our baby for the first time. We saw his heart beating and he was moving. He was very much alive. The doctor told me the bleeding was implantation bleed (I still question that) and he said I am at risk for a miscarriage. I was determined that wouldn't happen to me though. He told me 3 days bed rest. I ended up taking one month off work. I then made my first doctors appointment. Through that whole next month I went to the doctors one to two times a week, and every time we saw the baby on the ultrasound. He was so precious and I was so in love with him. I couldn't wait to have him and hold him in my arms. Dr. Ludwiczak constantly assured me the baby would be ok. She said she was 99% sure the baby would be fine. That put me at ease. Despite all the horrible bleeding, I told Matthew that I would go through anything to be able to have my baby.
The last doctor's appointment I had was on March 3rd at 11:30am. She did the ultrasound and we saw that Ryley had grown so much. His heart was beating good and strong and he was moving around. She told me the blood clot in my uterus was still there and had to come out. But she said the baby was fine and would be ok. So I came home from my appointment with the assurance that all would be well. I began having cramps that got increasingly worse over the next few hours. I started passing blood clots (apple sized) for about ½ hour. Then the clots stopped for a while. A while later my cramps got out of control. On a scale from 1-10, my cramps were at a 15. They were horrible. They lasted for about 1 ½ hours. Matthew called the doctors and the nurse called back and talked to me. She said to use a heating pad, prescribed me Darviset and said the doctor said to reassure me the baby was going to be ok. I did everything I could to take the pain away. Nothing worked. So around 5:00 pm I sent Matthew to pick up my prescription. Big Mistake.
He left and then my world fell apart. I was going to the bathroom and more blood clots came out. I looked down in the toilet and expected to see another blood clot and I saw my baby. My teeny tiny perfect little baby. I had to push him out and catch him in a large Dixie cup. I had to tear the umbilical cord and push the placenta out and put that in a cup too. I just screamed and cried. My world, all my hopes and dreams, my joy and excitement all were shattered at that moment. I just screamed "I would have been a good mom, I would have." For the next 20 minutes I looked at our baby and cried. I moved all his fingers and toes and just cried and cried. My heart was ripped out of me. The second that Matthew walked through the door I yelled down to him that we lost the baby. He said " nuh uh, promise." He didn't believe me, I don't think, until he looked in the cup and saw for himself. Then he just held me and cried. He cried so hard. My heart broke even more. I had never seen him cry before.
Matthew then made a few phone calls. One call was to pastor. He told him to let everyone at prayer meeting know. We then washed Ryley up and put him in a fresh cup with water. Before that though, we each gave him a kiss. Then we took some more pictures and video of him. After that we took him downstairs and Matthew played Jesus Loves Me for him. I just cried and cried. That was a very special time. After that we went to the emergency room at the hospital. We were there forever. The nurses kept asking me why we were there and what makes me think I'm having a miscarriage. I was so irritated with everyone there. All I could do was cry and they kept asking me all sorts of questions. Then the Chaplin lady came in and talked to us. She prayed with us. Then she made a foot impression for us of Ryley's feet. After hours there we were finally able to leave. I had to say goodbye to my son until his burial. We went from the hospital to Shari's restraint. I was starving, so we went for some food. I remember I got the fish and chips. I couldn't eat much; everything was still too fresh in my mind. I was still in so much shock. I still couldn't believe I was pregnant that morning and not that night. This experience has been the most horribly devastating of my life. Thursday we called and set up everything to have Ryley buried. The pathologist released him to the Columbia funeral home. We went down there and picked out an urn to bury him in. Then we went to Astoria from Friday until Sunday. Monday we picked out a burial plot and Monday I went back to work. Work was very hard. Tuesday at 10am we went to the funeral home to look at Ryley one last time. He was turning black; it was so hard to see. Then at 11am we buried our son.


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## mother_sunshine

First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful.









I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure....

I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a gardenia seedling in the backyard.

ETA:
I was surprised that heavy cramping continued for a few days afterwards. It is day 6 after my miscarriage and the bleeding has almost stopped. It's been like a heavy period since the m/c.


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## mamamoo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother_sunshine*
First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful.









I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure....

I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a new rose gardenia tree in the backyard.









mama, I am so sorry. My baby died at 7 weeks(stopped developing) too. I didn't find out until 12 weeks, and miscarried 3 weeks later, my story is here somewhere.
I just wanted to say I understand.


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## mother_sunshine

Thanks Debi.


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## janola

Here are the details of my most recent miscarriage while it's still fresh in my memory. This was my third and the most painful.
At 12w1d I started spotting. I spotted for the next two days, started cramping in the early morning hours of the third day. Had bad cramps for a few hours, btu I could still kind of sleep. Then my water broke about 5:30 a.m.--the gush woke me up. I put on a pad, wernt back to bed, awoke at 7:30 to a soaked pad and underwear. I got up, sat on the toilet and passed the gestational sac. thinking the worst wsa over, I changed pads and underwear and went back to bed. For the next 4 hours my cramping got progressivley worse, so that for the final two adn a half hours I was cramping/contracting severely every two minutes. It was almost unbearable. Finally, I passed a huge mass, not sure if it was the placenta or not, but immediatley after that I felt better. The bleeding was a bit heavy for a few hours, but the cramping was bearable. I did end up going to the OB later in teh afternoon for an u/s, which showed most everyitng gone. I was still crampy and bleeding the rest of the day. I expect the bleeding to continue for a week or so if it's anything like my last two m/cs.
Hope this helps. It was really, really, really painful, and I'm glad it's over.
janola


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## kamismommy

I wish I'd known I was having a miscarriage with my first one, but didn't find out until after-the-fact as I was carrying twins and lost one around 6 weeks. I just remember having terrible cramps (and I had horrible ones back then anyways...these were the worst I'd ever had)...I'd also had diahorrea and thought I was just getting sick as I was a bit naseous as well (kept swigging Pepto to ease my tummy as we were on the way to a family reunion: 5 hour drive to get through...), but pretty sure it was all m/c related thinking back. I was using tampons still back then, but remember having a few small clots which is unusual for me, but as I thought it was a really bad period, I didn't think anything about it.
Pretty sure I was pregnant last week, even though I hadn't gotten to take a test, but have been bleeding since saturday...I use a mooncup now and have been looking through for anything unusual to confirm it for me...there have been lots of chunky bits and small clots, but I'm still bleeding yet and haven't emptied my cup out yet this morning, so will have another look through.
Such a horrible thing to talk about, but it's nice to know you're not alone in going through such things...haven't read all the stories, but will when I can get through them better...so many losses!







Thanks for taking a stand and talking about a subject that most others won't discuss in such clarity.


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## Thalia

We'd been TTC for a year when we went to a RE back at the end of April. She told us to come for testing when I started my next cycle, but my cycle never started: I was pregnant! We realized we conceived during a wonderful weekend away especially for babymaking.

Everything seemed to be going fine. My early bloodwork came back normal. Some symptoms, but mostly just happiness.

Yesterday would have been the end of my eighth week. I'd been having some cramps all along, but the day before yesterday they were a little more intense than usual. When I woke up yesterday and went to use the toilet, there was some brown and pink on the TP. I was shocked. I told DH and we called my GP (we hadn't found a provider yet-still interviewing). She told me to go straight to the ER. Fortunately, DH was scheduled to work from home that day, so he was able to take me.

We went to the ER, they triaged us and then took us to a private room, and a nurse had me undress and get into a gown and stay in bed. A doctor came in and said that they'd be drawing blood soon and would try to get me in for an ultrasound. Another very nice nurse came and drew blood and put an IV heplock in my arm. Everyone was encouraging but also serious about the possible outcome. After a few hours they wheeled me on the gurney into the Fetal Diagnostics unit upstairs to have an ultrasound. They couldn't see anything with the abdominal u/s so they let me pee before doing the trans-vaginal ultrasound. At that point the bleeding had stopped so we were hopeful. The female doctor took lots of pictures, but we didn't really know what we were seeing. Finally she isolated something on the screen and said, "This is the baby, but it's only measuring six weeks and two days, and although there is a fetal pole, there is no heartbeat. I'm very sorry." She helped me up and left DH and I alone for a few minutes to cry. She came back to let us know that the were ready to take us back to the ER but we need few more minutes to cry.
Then they wheeled us back down to the ER and back to our room.

So it was a "missed abortion", and we spent the rest of the day crying in the ER waiting to talk to a resident about it. Both the nurse and doctor we saw came by to say how sorry they were. Finally the OB/GYN resident was able to come and talk to us. She was very nice and explained our options, wait it out, use cytotec to help things along, or D & C. I asked her to do a pelvic exam so that we could find out if my cervix was still closed. It was. She said we didn't have to make the decision that day. We decided to just come home and think about it. We were both too exhausted to make a decision: neither of us had eaten anything all day, and although Mark was offered water and juice all day they wouldn't let me eat or drink anything until I was discharged, so we were both exhausted. On top of that, poor poor DH had a terrible toothache that began the night before: we went straight to the dentist after the ER, and he was able to get in and see someone: he may need a root canal.

Later that night we told our families, and had a long conversation with my sister, who is a 4th year OB/GYN resident in another state, In the end, my sister said our best options were to wait it out or have a d & e, a surgical evacuation. She thought at our stage they could just the the evacuation and not an actual curottage. She said there were some risks but she really really truly felt they were very small. She didn't recommend Cytotec, but to be honest, I don't remember why--I think in case it caused things to happen so quickly that we would have to have the D & E anyway, or risk excessive bleeding and/or an emergency trip to the ER. She said that it was totally up to us and whatever was right for our family. She said that if it happend to her, she would lean towards a D & E just so that she would not have to wait and wonder when it would happen. Of course she's a resident and has crazy working hours, so it makes sense that that would be the right choice for her. She said that if we waited, and nothing happened, we should get checked after 2 weeks just to make sure there was no infection. She said lots of other wonderful, comforting encouraging things, and I'm so glad that there are mamas out there who get to have their babies delivered by her and their losses acknowledged by her. She's a great OB and it's good to know there ARE some good ones out there, isn't it?

We talked about it and I was leaning toward a D & E, but we decided to sleep on it. Then very early this morning I started to bleed again, and had some painful cramping (my sis said I could take a double dose of ibuprofen to help with the pain). I put a maxi pad in my underwear. I paced around a lot and listened to a book on tape sitting on the couch. DH was sleeping, totally exhausted from the day and the pain medication for his tooth. He took a lot, and I kept checking on him to make sure he was okay. I had some urges to poop, and kept a pad in place over my vagina while doing so, just in case any tissue came out while I was trying to poop. I saw some red blood but not many clots. I went back to the couch in the living room.

After some painful cramps there, I felt one cramp that felt different, and I bit of a gush. I went to the bathroom and squatted for a bit, then looked at the pad. There was a lot more blood, and it seemed to be more liquid than the other stuff I'd passed. I put on a new pad. I squeezed and tried to get my uterus to contract, and then I felt another gush. I checked the new pad and just saw blood, but then I saw that there was something hanging out of my vagina, so I think I took the pad to kind of pull it out, and what I knew was the baby fell on to the pad. It looked the way the doctor and my sister said it would, like tissue, not like blood. It was translucent, like Vaseline, and shaped like a 6-week fetus, but it did not have the clear outlines and features of one. It had been dead for two weeks, so I wasn't surprised. But I'm pretty sure what was the head and what was the tail. There was a tiny red cord coming from its middle, attached to a blood clot, which was probably where it attached the placenta. I put in a new pad, squeezed again, and felt a big gush, and the placenta came out. It was red and solid and about 4-5 inches long and 1 inch wide, and it came out in an s-shape on the pad. I looked in it just to see if there was anything in there, and that's when I really knew it was the placenta: it had thin layers and thick parts and was probably originally round but had curled in on itself like a deflated balloon. It was shiny and kind of like liver, but more translucent, like jelly, and a brighter blood red. I put yet another pad in, squeezed, but it was just blood after that. I went and woke DH and he came to look at our little baby. We put it in a big disposable Tupperware container, on the pad, and put it in our bedroom. DH was still in a lot of pain and a little groggy from the meds, but he was wonderful. I put him back to bed and stayed up a while longer to read and make sure I was bleeding normally. I couldn't get to sleep.

This thread was really helpful as I was going through all this. I used some of the suggestions and knew what to expect. I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye without too much pain, intervention, or another day in the ER. Now both DH and I can just rest and wait for the bleeding to stop.

The miscarriage also made me feel grateful for my body. Initially I felt kind of betrayed by my body, not for the baby dying, but for my body holding onto it for 14 days after it died, without me knowing. When the resident checked me yesterday, my cervix was still tightly closed, so we weren't sure that I would pass anything anytime soon. But after talking with the doctor who did the ultrasound and my sister, it looks like the corpus luteum had just started to disintegrate yesterday (they saw fluid on the ultrasound near my left ovary) and that's why my body just now realized that the baby was dead: my corpus luteum had been doing it's job and pumping out hormones to support the pregnancy, and had finally reached the stage when, if the baby was healthy, the cyst could have gone away on it's own, which it did. Then, without the feedback of the HCG from the baby, my body realized something was wrong and began to spot. And then, half a day later, my cervix did dilate and without excessive bleeding was able to pass everything. So I feel a lot of love now for my body, working hard and doing everything it could to help. Know what I mean? My ovary did what it needed to do, my placenta did what it needed to do, and so did my cervix. Now I just need to wait and let my heart and mind catch up with all of this.

We are going to rest for a few days and then drive to Wisconsin and find a place to bury our little turtle. We live in an apartment, so we thought it would be good to just find a remote place in nature and bury our little baby where no one would find it.This gives us a lot of peace.

We feel right at the center of God's mercy right now, and we are glad that our little one is with Jesus. In the ER, we prayed and thanked our baby for coming to be with us, even for just a little while, and told it how much we loved him/her, and how much happiness he/she had given us. We told the baby that were so happy for him/her to be in heaven and that we would come and meet each other someday. We told the baby to find the little ones that a family we know very well lost last year in between two healthy pregnancies.

Thanks for this thread. It has been tremendously helpful.

UPDATE: Just wanted to add that about 36 hours after I passed the baby, I had some very painful cramping for about 4 hours. I think it was like labor pain. It was bad enough that I was moaning and swearing and crying, even with the 800 mg of ibuprofen. It was very hard to get into a comfortable position, and the intensity of the cramping scared me. I was bleeding heavily, but not heavily enough to warrant a trip to the ER, just more heavily than before. I thought I must be passing big clots, but I wasn't. I called my sister the OB again to find out why I was having the pain, and she said that the pain was coming from my uterus as it cramped and contracted in order to push everything out. She said it was normal, even though it sucked, and that I could stay home as long as I didn't have excessive bleeding, or a fever of 101 or higher, or nausea, or sharp pains that didn't feel like cramps, or tightness/tenderness in my belly. She also said I could switch to naproxen sodium if I wanted to, since that works better for my menstrual cramps than ibuprofen. As I spoke with her the cramps became less severe. Eventually I could just pace around the apartment, which felt great; I couldn't do that before. I just wanted to add this so that anyone who experiences bad cramping AFTER passing the baby will know that it is one way of having a miscarriage and not necessarily anything to get worried about.

UPDATE 2: 36 hours after I had the painful cramping I woke up and found that I had passed another piece of the placenta. I don't know if that's what caused the cramping--I don't remember having much pain in the 24 hours before I passed it. I'm still bleeding now but without much pain. I'm hoping that my body will be able pass everything.


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## joanie74

wow i feel all of your pain. each and every mother out there. december of 2000 i was so excited that i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. my huband and i tried for 4 years to get pregnant so you got to know this was a big big deal to me. well january came and i went to the doc. and i was 6 weeks into my pregnancy and there was no heart beat. too early to detect. i kind of new in my heart something was wrong. so we went back in feb. and the doc. confirmed that i was having a m/c. i was devestated. so the whole month of march my husband and i tried everyday and by god we got pregnant again in april 2001 and we did get a heart beat on this one. 9 months later we had a beautiful baby boy.
i still to this day wonder what went wrong with my m/c and what that baby would have been like if it would have carried in me full term.
it is a devestating horrible traumatic thing to got through but i could honestly say that i would much rather go through a m/c than still born. i dont think i could ever handle that and my ehart goes out to any family who has to go throught that.


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## jenn1971

Hi Karen,

I had a mc on March 28th of this year, I was 19 weeks, a week before it happend I noticed slight bleeding, so I went to the ER, because it was late at night, they sent me home, saying just to take it easy, went to my doctor the next day, same thing, ended up in the ER again!! well that went on for the next couple days, ended up getting admitted to the hospital on a fri night, let me out the next day, and they told me I was past the worst that could happen, well I wasn't, went to my doc on Monday morning, he seemed worried had me come back the next day for a full ultrasound, well bad news he sent me to the hospital, there was no longer a heart beat and no amniotic fluid, they had to induce my labor, I have never been through something so devastating in my life







: Im going to try again soon, and just hope and pray it wont happen again.

Jenn


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## Deana

Let me begin by saying how grateful I am to all the woman who have shared their stories. I have been comforted to know that I am not alone in my experience, despite not knowing any of you personally. In ways I now feel more connected to each of you than I do to my friends of years who have not endured such a loss.

I just had to share my story. I found out that I was pregnant for the first time on April 23, 2006. Although I had constantly dreamed of pregnancy and publicly pined for motherhood around my friends, the pregnancy was an unintentional surprise. My boyfriend of nearly two years and I are not married, and our relationship had been in decline. He was unsure of what he wanted to do, and I was angry with myself for getting pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. However, as the first few weeks went by we both agreed to accept the blessing that we'd been chosen to receive. It was magical the way our apprehension grew into happiness and excitement! I saw the "father" come out in him, and I was beyond pleasantly surprised. We read pregnancy books together, and even started thinking about names. Even though I knew I was supposed to wait until the end of the 1st trimester to tell people, I just couldn't contain my news! I was looking forward to all the changes motherhood would bring.

Unfortunately, I began spotting last weekend. I knew something was not right. Believe it or not, my mother was also my midwife (and elated to be expecting her first grandchild.) I demanded that she do something to ease my concerns. She took my blood to check for hormone levels and sent it to the lab. Unsatisfied, I began taking miscarriage prevention herbal remedies and put myself to rest. I didn't go to work on Mon or Tues and continued with my regimen. My blood test came back low but in the normal range on Tuesday. I decided to get an ultrasound just in case. After driving two hours to a nearby midwife, she confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped developing sometime between 5 and 7 weeks. My boyfriend kept asking if there was some mistake, if the baby was just small. But I knew.

The past 48 hours have been the most physically and emotionally painful in my life. I endured three "labors" trying to miscarry naturally. Last night I resigned myself to a D&C because I simply could not endure the pain any longer. Then, WHILE READING THIS FORUM, I went to the bathroom and effortlessly passed the placenta. I believe you all helped me to relax in some way. I was relieved to complete the physical part of the process so I can begin to heal my heart. I will plant my little placenta in the earth, along with a flower to grow in place of my pregnancy.

Now, my life returns to uncertainty. I want nothing more than to be a mother. But I am not married, and I'm unsure of whether my boyfriend would want to actually try for a pregnancy. It is a very sad time. Thank you for listening and understanding.


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## Rainbow2911

I had a mc at around 8 or 9 weeks. It wasn't really a surprise as I had not expected that pregnancy to be sucessful. With my previous two pregnancies I had _known_ at the moment of conception (even though I didn't know what it was I felt the first time). There was a rush of energy that I have never felt at any other time. That didn't happen this time, and I just felt that I would miscarry.
On the day my miscarriage started dp and I were going out house hunting with out 7 month old ds. I was feeling a bit crampy while we were out walking, but I tried to ignore it. Later in the day I felt a little gush of liquid (waters breaking?) but again ignored while we were out. After that the cramps got stronger and I knew that I was starting to miscarry. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset dp while we were out. When we got home, dp was feeding ds on our bed and I went to the toilet. I notaiced that I had started to bleed a little. At that stage it was just brown spotting. I told dp that I was losing the baby and we cried together for a few minutes. We put ds to bed together and then that evening drank some wine. That stopped all the cramping. The next morning I woke up and was having contractions. About 3 hours after the contractions started (I was bleeding lightly then, but it was bright red blood) I went to the toilet and passed the placenta. I saw the placenta (which was about 2-3 cm in diameter and had a thin umbilical cord attached) and later passed some membranes, but I never saw a baby. I don't know if I just missed it amongst the clots, or if it was too small to see when it stopped developing. I stopped having contractions after the membranes passed out of me, but I had clots and fairly heavy bleeding the rest of the day. I had lighter bleeding, more like a period for the next week. Until on the 7th day I passed a clot while in the toilet and after that the bleeding stopped completely.
After the first day, when I was exhausted and felt awful, physically the mc wasn't too hard. I recovered quickly and got pregnant again that cycle, with my dd (and I felt that reasuring rush with her!).


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## Kidzaplenty

I just lost my precious baby a few days ago. And I thought it would help with the healing if I told his story.

My eighth child decided to come a little early. I went to my routine prenatal visit in my 16th week. During this visit, the Dr could not find the heartbeat. She asked what I wanted to do, go to the hospital for a check up or just wait until next time (in two weeks) to try again. I told her that if there was no heartbeat, then there was nothing to be done about it, and if there was one then it would be there next visit. So I waited. However, somewhere in the deepest part of my heart, I had felt that I was not going to carry this baby through. I had had this feeling from the earliest days of my pregnancy, yet I said nothing to anyone. I just thought it was an over active imagination. However, when the doctor could not find the heartbeat, deep inside, I knew. I told my husband, what happened at the visit, and we both felt that going to the hospital would be a waist of time. However, he never thought for a second that our baby really did not have a heartbeat. I had felt for weeks that my stomach was not growing right. Something just seemed "off".

A week later I used the bathroom, and wiped, and I saw the tiniest hint of brown. I wiped again, and nothing, so although I was contemplating what that meant, or if I even really saw something, I said nothing. Two days later, I wiped again only to have the same hint of brown, then nothing. The next day, a larger hint of brown, even after wiping twice. The next day, I had a hint of brown almost every time I went to the bathroom. I knew something was not right, but I also knew that there was nothing that could be done other than letting nature take its course. I prayed and prayed every night that my Father would protect my baby and make her healthy and strong. I woke up the next day about noon and had red blood on my underwear. Now I am really worried, not just wondering. I toss back and forth as to whether to say anything to my husband (I have not mentioned anything yet) or not. I kept thinking, should I go to the hospital or just wait it out (it was a Sunday, so I could not just call my doctor). I kept wondering how to say something to my husband about this. I kept asking my Father to let me know if I should go to the hospital or just let it happen. The only concern I had was whether or not my baby was still alive. If there was no heartbeat then I would have refused service and had an unassisted birth at home anyway. I did not want a d&c even though the baby might have been dead.

I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I was feeling ucky inside, the same feeling that I get when I have my period. Not painful, just ucky. As I was sitting there and I wiped, I had a large amount of red blood on the paper. I put a pad onto my underwear and went back to lay down in my bed in a fetal position. My husband went upstairs at this time; he still did not know anything was wrong. I was praying that this was just one of those "things" that happen in pregnancy sometimes. In reality, there had been very little blood, so there was a possibility that it would stop. A very short time later, minutes really, I felt like I was having a flow. I got up and went back to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, more blood came out. I sat there a short while and then again went back to the bed. I did this every 10 -15 minutes for about an hour. On my last trip to the toilet, I sat there and I felt clots come out. That is when I knew it was for real. I stayed on the toilet for a while. I could "feel" contractions in my uterus, but there was no pain. I felt a contraction, then I felt the baby begin to descend. I reached my hand down to grab her, because I did not want her to fall into the toilet. That is when I felt the bag of water bulge. It came almost all the way out and just hung there, mostly out but not quite. I sat there for a time waiting for another contraction to bring it out the rest of the way, but they just stopped. I decided that I was not going to deliver my baby into a toilet, so I got off the toilet and squatted in the tiny bathroom floor. I grabbed a spit rag (an infant recivening blanket) that was laying beside the door and put it under me to catch any blood. I tried pushing, but it did not budge. I tried pulling, but could not really grab it. I kept wondering if my baby was still alive inside the sac or not. After a short while the sac fell out right into my hand. It was small, about the size of a large orange and perfectly intact. The water was brown and dark, but I could see my baby inside, not moving. I sat back on the toilet and continued to pass some clots and blood for a short time. I then tried to break the bag to get to my baby. The bag was very strong and hard to break, but after several tries, I succeeded out came my baby. As I held the baby in my hands I examined it and realized that my baby was a boy, not a girl as I had supposed. He was tiny. Five inches long. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Perfectly formed fingers and toes. He had eyelids with tiny slits in them. I held my son for a while as I sat there and cried, all alone. Then I got up and went to take a shower. I figured my husband would come in while I showered and see the blood, then I would not have to explain what had happened, I still did not know what to say or how to say it. After I showered, I returned to my bathroom. It was all still there, like a nightmare that would not end. My husband was outside working on the car and had no idea of what I had been going through. I got a clean fresh spit rag and wrapped my son in it. I then had to clean up all the blood on the bathroom floor before any of my other children came down.

After I cleaned up, I sat down and held my son. He was so tiny. We had been tossing around two names for the baby, so after looking up both names again, I decided to name my son Zephaniah, because it means "the Lord is my secret". He was our secret, we had not told anyone yet and only the Lord knew why it happened this way.

A very short time later, as I was sitting in front of my computer, holding my son, my husband walks in telling me all about the car's problems. I just sit there, staring at the computer with tears running down my face. He kisses me on the cheek and asks me if my stomach was bothering me. I could not speak at all, so I just opened the bundle that I was holding and showed him our son. It was a big shock to him, and he was understandably upset. We talked for a short while, but we had to go to the store for pads, as I was not prepared for any bleeding at this time. I had no time to just sit and mourn.

Physically, I was feeling ok. I was tired, and a bit tender, but nothing more. I had reduced my bleeding to a medium period type bleeding. I was wondering about the placenta, but I had passes many clots, and there was no cord on the outside of the sac, so I figured that I had already passed it, or that it did not form properly, thus creating the problem. By the end of the evening, I had even less bleeding. I used a total of four pads the entire day. I figured the event was physically over. As the next day came I felt fine, like a light period, and I was tired and achy, but ok. We went out to eat, however every bump in the road made me ache more. Later that evening as I sat in the bed watching TV, I again began to have contractions. They were not painful, just noticeable. I was drinking some hot RRL tea and I was hungry. As I sat there I began to notice that they were getting very frequent and a little more intense. As I began to eat a bowl of soup, I realized that I could not do anything during a contraction, and that they were only about one to two minutes apart. I figured that I was having after pains, but thought I would just go take a hot shower to relax, that always helps during contractions. As I was showering, I felt something moving down from my cervix into my vagina. That is when I realized that I had not passed the placenta yet, and it was time. I pushed as hard as I could when I had a contraction, and after a couple of them it came right out. It was larger than I thought it would be. It was not flat and roundish (as a full term one is), it was odd shaped, about the size of a plum. After examining it carefully, I saw the cord that was still attached to it. Apparently the cord was so short that it broke when the baby was born (but must have been why the sac did not just fall out right away). I finished my shower and went back to my bed. The contractions had stopped. After about two trips to the bathroom with the same "flow feeling" that I had had before the baby came I felt another thing pass. This was another piece of the placenta (the last piece). It was the flat part about three to four inches in size. After this the bleeding again returned to a light period type bleeding. My body is now finished with the pregnancy, and is recovering fine. Physically, it is like just having a period, but mentally, I know that I no longer have a baby.

After closer examination of my son (he had a tiny wee wee and sac, so we could easily tell it was a boy), I have come to the conclusion that he had a chromosomal abnormality. He died about 15.5 to 16 weeks (he was born at about 18 weeks). He was five inches long, with perfect, fully formed fingers and toes. His legs and arms were so small and thin. . However, his left foot seemed just slightly smaller than his right, and seemed slightly bent. Also, his ears had ear buds, but no lobes (which should have formed already), his nose was not formed, but had two nostrils. His whole head had the "alien" look which is usually more babyish by 18 weeks. Also, his neck was too large for his body and his upper torso was so much larger than his lower body. It was like he was developing at different stages in different parts of his body. His hands and feet were like a 16 week baby, his length was about 18 weeks, his head and face was about 8-10 weeks, and his neck was like in the very early stages when it was almost the same size as the head.

In retrospect, I know that my prayers to my Father were answered. My son was protected and made healthy and safe and strong, it just happened in the arms of Jesus instead of mine. His empty shell was buried in our back yard. My Zephaniah was born on June 25, 2006 at 18 weeks into the arms of Jesus.


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## bamamom

kidsaplenty..no time to write what i want to now, but your story is amazing. except for the fact that i was earlier for my loss, our stories are very similar.

i lost 3 babies. more later


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## BriansGirl

2 days prior to my m/c, my morning sickness went away...i just thought i was getting lucky and would have light to non-existant m/s.

July 1st 2006, i woke up around 9am and had to pee. Went to the bathroom and had some spotting...nothing major and i had read that early in your 1st pregnancy, spotting is normal...heck some women even have regular period-type bleeding.

Soooo...i told myself not to worry about it, i wasn't having any cramping, it didn't smell bad, wasn't brownish and was very very light...skip to 2 hours later....i have to pee yet again.

I go in the bathroom and the bleeding is heavier and smells kind of sour. Now i'm freaking out b/c i know what is happening. I go out to the living room and tell db/f that i need to go to town now and buy some underwear
(not a big panty wearer anyways, i only wear them when i'm menstrating and since i was pregnant, stopped wearing them completely) and some pads. I'm crying and trying to explain to him why and also trying to convince him and myself that i'm not m/c-ing. He was upset but trying to re-assure me everything would be okay....so he drives me to town and we go to dollar general b/c i have $10 to my name that day.

We get back and i still am not having any cramping at all....i go to the bathroom to put on the panties and pad and the bleeding is much much heavier...not running down my leg or anything, but heavy. so i clean up with a wash rag and he goes and gets his mom to see what to do. We go to the ER b/c she thinks maybe it could be stopped and to see if it's definitely a m/c.

Skip to ER. Immediately they take the clots and tissue out of my pad(not a lot at all), that i passed on the way there...only having very light to non-existant cramping...it's so light i have to concentrate to see if it's there and then i wonder if it's my mind playing tricks on me. They ask me how far along i am and i tell them 7 weeks, 3 days. They take an HcG blood test...takes maybe 1 hour for the results, the level is 63.12...wayyy too low for 7 weeks. Dr is still optimistic b/c he said some women just have low HcG levels to begin with. Puts me on strict bedrest, no getting up for anything but the bathroom. Schedules my u/s for that monday (this was saturday)...and another HcG test to be done.

Skip to Monday...still hadn't had hardly any cramping...nothing major (which still puzzles my ob/gyn, she said at 7 weeks my cramping should have been more painful than what it was....), hardly any bleeding...not even as heavy as my periods usually are. They do the u/s and of course it's not the happy, let's look at your baby type...so the tech's wouldn't tell me anything...not even that they could or could not find a heartbeat or anything...luckily i'm not stupid and saw for myself that my uterus was empty....no baby, no heartbeat...at 7 weeks the baby would have been 2/3 of an inch long, so i'm sure i would have been able to see something...and the heart develops at like 6 weeks, i think, so i should have heard that...i heard nothing...saw nothing. Felt totally dead inside and empty. After u/s they do HcG test, level is 20. Lower than Saturday but ER dr said by monday level should have been 5 or less....but b/c it went down, they sent me home, took me off of bedrest and said i was all better. ugh. This ER, btw, was in Illinois and i live in Indiana...was on vacation for the 4th.

Skip ahead to wednesday the 5th and i make an appointment with my family dr b/c i need a note to go back to work. He sends me to ob/gyn dr b/c he doesn't do female exams anymore. Ugh. She's (ob/gyn dr.) very mad b/c she said the ER should have been concerned that my last HcG test wasn't 5 or lower...and i could have an ectopic pregnancy that they missed on u/s. So she does my exam and pap and says she doesn't think i need a d&c, unless my HcG levels are still above 5, b/c that would mean i was having an ectopic pregnancy. So she sends me to our local ER for HcG test which comes back as 2. Now she's relieved. Looks over the u/s report that the other ER faxed to her earlier and says everything looks good, she can't find a reason for the m/c but also sees no reason to not try again. The only thing that puzzled her was the pathology report that they faxed on the tissue and clots i had passed...they found uterine tissue and placental tissue, but no fetal tissue...so she tells me that she thinks my body absorbed the baby earlier like at 5 weeks and it just took my body a while to realize it.

Tells me the following: "Sometimes these things just happen, it's our bodies way of trying to bring only babies that will live happy lives into the world. Once you and your b/f are ready, you can try again right away."

but now neither he nor i are ready to risk going through that again...it's an internal struggle for us both, we both want to have a baby together really badly...however neither of us wants to go through that again...so we've decided to wait on ttc again, at least for now.


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## mamamook

Thank you, Karen for starting this thread. And thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I'm still processing my m/c that happened this week and reading everyone's experiences has been helpful. I spent all day yesterday writing my story (about 11 pages, handwritten) and today I made a scrapbook with that story, the note I wrote to my mw who helped me through this, and all the birth art I made about a month ago.









I was about 22 weeks pregnant, but I don't know exactly how far along because I never got my cycles back since my daughter was born 11/06/2003. We had been hoping to get pregnant since last summer, but not trying. We just figured it would happen when the time was right. In March, my nipples started really hurting when my daughter nursed. My first trimester felt like first trimester and I was really quite happy when the refridgerator smelled too horrible for me to open it.

We moved to a new state in the beginning of May. So life was really busy. I stopped feeling pg symptoms around this time, but just figured I was just entering second trimester. I was glad to have a little more energy for unpacking and moving into our new home. Some time in June I started to wonder where the wonderful water dreams and birth dreams were. I was worried that it was so much harder to connect with this baby. And I wasn't feeing as big as I had with my daughter, either.

July 3 I had a horrible nightmare - very scary and medical. I woke up terribly shaken and told my husband. He was supportive but neither of us could figure out what it meant. July 5 I started spotting - dark brown, just a little bit each day, not enough for a pad. The morning of July 8 a rash appeared on the tops of my feet by the 10th it had spead to my legs.

July 9, 700 miles away, my grandmother died.

Since the rash was becoming intolerable, the spotting was continuing, and my grandmother's funeral was scheduled to the same day as my next mw appointment, I paged my midwife. This was July 11. I told her my present symptoms, basically what's in 2 paragraphs above this. She said she wanted to see me first thing the next morning and she would pray for me. That got me really scared.

When I got up to pee at 2:30 am on July 12, I left the light off as usual, but something told me to look at the tp after I wiped. It was dark, so I turned on the light, looked in the potty and saw it was full of blood. I went back to sleep because I knew I would need the rest.

At 8:30 my husband, daughter, stepson and I went to the mw office. She felt my belly, which felt like at was about 18 weeks to her, when I should have been at 22. Then she tried listening with the fetoscope - no heartbeat, and then the doppler for a long time - still nothing. We sat down and talked. She told me she I was miscarrying. I had two choices. I could go home and try to pass the miscarriage or I find a health care provider somewhere who could do an u/s so I could find out what was going on. Since I didn't know when the baby (at that point I still thought that there had been a baby) had stopped growing, and I wanted to know more before making a choice.

I called down the list that my midwife gave me and got hold of a cnm at a hospital who told me to go through the women's hospital traige. My husband took the kids out to lunch and to play downtown. I started to feel really alone so I paged my midwife. She came and stayed with me while they did all the ultrasounds (which was a really long time). Then my husband came back to hear about it and our options from the doctors, while my mw watched the kids in a waiting room.

It turned out that I had an amniotic sac that measured about 11 weeks with a placenta and my uterus that measured at about 16 weeks. There was no fetus.

My husband and I debated whether to stay in the hospital for a D&C or to go home to try to pass it. Because the sizes we mismatched and had stopped growing so long ago, and there was no fetus, I was afraid to pass it at home. It also felt so bizarre and wrong that I did not want to see it or hold it. The u/s images still haunt me.

I went in for the D&C that night. I was scared going into the OR, but the hospital staff were all very kind and supportive. My anaesthesiologist was wonderful and talked with me through the procedure. I was awake with a spinal and felt absolutely nothing from the waist down. When I came out I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt human again. I was glad that I had made that choice.

***********Update: 7/24/2006
It's taken me this long to let myself grieve. When I attended my grandmother's funeral, it was healing. It was like the words were for my baby, too. We named him Mason and registered a star in his name in Scorpius for when his due date was.


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## KnittingMama

I never felt really "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. To start with, my last AF was on April 19th. My son had just weaned, so this was also my first cycle back from his birth/breastfeeding. May came and went, and no AF. I tested around the time I thought I'd be getting AF, and it was neg. I went to the doc. When I was over a week late, and No AF, No BFP, and even the blood test was neg. AF still did not arrive and I was feeling a little tired. I had an extra HPT in the bathroom, so I tested for fun. I about fell off the toilet when it was a BFP!! Since I had no idea how far along I was, we had a gestational ultrasound done (normally we skip the ultrasound or limit it to one near the end).
It showed that we were already 8 weeks! Baby was healthy, but I just felt "off". I didn't feel pregnant and the normal signs of m/s, breast tenderness and growth were all absent. I thought maybe I'd be lucky and not get any signs, but I guess something else was going on.

Around July 10th, I started to have a darker than normal discharge. Not really strange for me when I'm pregnant, so I didn't think much of it. It didn't smell weird either. On July 15th, I woke up to a pink discharge/spotting. I called my midwife, who said it could be nothing and that if I'm really worried I can go to the ER. She also pointed out that since I'd had sex the night before, it could be from that.

The day went on and the spotting got worse, so I went to the ER. They gave me a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing to worry about. I asked for another ultrasound to see if the baby was ok, but there was "no one on staff qualified to operate an ultrasound". Since it was before the normal time that you can hear with the doppler and I have a tilted uterus, there wasn't a chance of "hearing" the heartbeat.

I went home and pretty much knew what was coming. I woke up on the 16th to heavier bleeding and some slight cramps. By days end I was in full m/c with large clots and major cramping. About 3 am on the 17th, it appeared that I had passed on the clots as the bleeding had tapered off. I finally got some sleep and rested most of the day. About 6pm on the 17th, I went to the bathroom, feeling the need to push, I went with it. It wasnt painful, but was very unexpected. I "delivered" the placenta intact. I placed it in a clean container and brought it to my appt. I had made with my midwife. She looked at it and said that it was possible that Malachi was inside, but she'd only know if she opened it up. I wasn't prepared or feeling a need for her to do that, so I declined and we are going to bury it assuming that Malachi has passed on in some manner that we will never truly know.

I wasn't prepared for any of this as most of the literature is very vague. The clots were very similar to immediately after birth, but I wasn't prepared at all for the experience of delivering the placenta. It was about the size of a baseball and was amazing yet very heart wrenching at the same time.

Closure for me has consisted of giving the baby a name and also being able to deal with this in a peaceful manner at home. My body operates the way it does for a reason and for me, there was absolutely no need for medical intervention. For this I am thankful.


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## aran

This thread was an incredible resource for me when I was miscarrying two weeks ago. The level of detail that everyone has been willing to share helped so much in knowing what to expect. So I'll add my story to the list.

I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant with our second child, after one month ttc. I had meticulously planned the conception cycle for a first trimester in summer (so dh could easily entertain ds outside while I lay around feeling nauseated and tired), and was thrilled when we got pg right away.

For the first few weeks I felt like I was glowing with the pregnancy... I fell asleep with happy baby thoughts and woke up each morning, remembered that I was pg, and was bursting with happiness. But I started feeling cramps and a backache almost immediately... before I even tested positive. However, since I was nursing ds still, I thought maybe the uterine contractions from nursing were causing the crampy feelings. As the pregnancy progressed, the "glowing" feeling receded, and the nausea I expected was notably absent... I felt a little too "normal." While I knew that every pregnancy has different symptoms, I felt something was awry. I would POAS every once in a while, and was happy to see that the line was darker each time, though. Two days before I m/c, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling incredibly nauseated, and I vomited. I was never so happy to feel sick... but I never felt nauseated again.

On ds second birthday, I passed a brown, flaky clot, which is weird, because I never had seen a flaky clot before. I had to check to make sure it wasn't a bm (tmi?). When I saw the pink on the tp, my heart plummeted. I started searching the web and saw that passing a clot could be normal, but I still felt a sense of dread all evening. The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM and just *knew* without a doubt it was over. I knew somehow... I felt different, empty. I went back to sleep though, because I wasn't ready to know the answer yet. At 6:30 AM when dh awoke, I went to the bathroom and saw brown stains in my underpants from overnight. More dread. I used the toilet and after I wiped, I looked into the tp and saw a complete amniotic sac, about the size of a grape. I was kind of in shock, like I was kicked in the stomach, but strangely really curious to see it. It was clear, filled with clear fluid, and if there was an embryo inside, it must have been very small... like rice-sized... way too small for its age. I put the sac in an empty coffee cup and went to tell dh that the pregnancy was over. Later in the day, the sac became cloudy and opaque. I ended up flushing it. I kind of wish I did something else with it, but I don't know what would have seemed appropriate either.

That day, I had menstrual-like cramps all day, and for a period of about two hours, they were sufficiently intense to make me stop what I was doing and pay attention to them and nothing else. However, I had only light bleeding all day. I worried that I wasn't going to pass everything successfully.

The next three days, we had a mini-vacation to the mountains planned, and I was incredibly happy to be away and distracted. It was during those three days that I passed most of the clots and any placenta there was... I really couldn't identify anything. It was like a very heavy period, with cramps that were intermittently very intense. Bleeding ended a few days later.

Even though it was only seven weeks, and even though there was no identifiable "baby," I felt and still feel very sad. Just sad. We are ttc again already. For my situation, it feels best to try again, right away... to feel like I am actively doing something constructive I guess.


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## Jess's Mom

In June 2004, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, I had no real complications with my preg and didn't even give a 2nd thought when I became preg in Feb. 2006. I went in for my 8 week check up and saw a perfect little baby with a heartbeat, so never in my wildest dreams would I have predected what would happen in another month. I had some slight pain, but nothing that was even enough to concern me then a little light spotting, I was away on a trip so I didn't even call the dr. A few days past and the spotting got heavier, so I called the dr when I got home and I was sent for a sono. I just expected to have some problem with my cervex and thought I would be put on bed rest or something that would make my life hell for a while, but as I looked at the sono, it only took a moment to know that wasn't what was going on. The lady wouldn't say anything to me and that only made it worse. I looked and saw my baby three weeks behind the date and knew she wasn't finding a heart beat. I keept asking what is going on, is my baby dead and she just said I need to have the dr look, I told her not to leave the room without telling me what was going on, she finally said she couldn't pick up a heartbeat, but she needed the dr to look before she would confirm. I broke down in tears and requested my husband be let in the room. We had just decided the night before that we were going to start calling the baby Sammy, so it was hard to loose this little person we had just placed a name on. When I sat in the dr office to go over D & C proc, I just couldn't believe that it was happening. I went home and got drunk off my butt, I needed to be numb, I know it wasn't a good way to cope, but I didn't know what else to do. I was mad at God, the world and most of all my body for letting me down. Every day after the D & C was a trial, the smallest thing could set me off crying or yelling, it took me three weeks to pack up my maternaty clothing. I decided that I wanted to try again as soon as possible because I felt this was the only way I could heal. I got preg again after my first cycle in June and although I wanted to be happy for the news, I couldn't be. I went to the dr to get hormone levels checked and all were great, we went to have a sono at 5 weeks and the sac was irreguliar, they said it could just be too soon, but with the last experiance I just couldn't be hopefull. I came home and did some reading and found nothing good. I had told myself there was no hope but once I got my blood re-checked and everything was still good I decided I had to hold on to hope for me and the baby. The same day I got the call saying my blood work was ok was the day I had bleeding it was a short spurt of it but it had some clotting so the dr told me I would need to watch it for the night, but if I didn't start bleeding like a reg. period, I would need to have another D & C. I didn't bleed anymore, so I told myself, maybe I wasn't going to m/c, but the dr didn't see it that way, they were only going to give me over the weekend. Me not wanting to give up and needing proof for myself, I went to the ER that night and got a sono and blood work (it was still ok) the dr in the ER said that a fetal pole was shown on the sono but it was fuzzy not clear and that wasn't a good sign. I couldn't see this as a clear sign of m/c because in the previous sono no fetal pole was seen. I went all weekend thinking maybe, maybe this was all some fluke, some strange way that nature was trying to get me to appriciate what I had, but a trip to the Dr. on Monday put that all to rest. For whatever reason the dr in the ER had not been truthfull, no fetal pole was seen my dr let me see the report. With all the facts on the table, we knew what we had to do and set up the D & C for the follwoing day. I bleed some more that night, but once again not much, for some reason, my body just doesn't want to m/c. After the second D&C I was not in as much pain as before the proc (I had lot's of cramping with this preg). Even though this was only 6 weeks and it was a B/O I still think of it as a baby, I know some people don't because the sac is empty, but from the moment I become preg I have a baby in me. Becouse of my first loss, as soon as I became preg I came up with a unisex name to call the baby this one was Alex. It has been one week from Alex and three months from Sammy and I tell them goodnight every night. The loss of a child is the greatest loss a mother will ever suffer and to me m/c is a loss no matter what anyone will tell you. I am trying to mentaly prepaire for next time, knowing that this may happen for a third time, but wanting to be hopefull. I have read others who say after a m/c you just don't even believe that you are going to have a baby the next time you become preg and I think that put greater fear in me that loosing another baby. With my first child, I loved being preg, feeling her move and waiting to see what she would look like. After a loss, I fear I will only feel anticipation for problems and won't find any joy till my baby is in my arms. I am willing to try again, because child birth and motherhood are the greatest experiance I have ever known and my baby girl is why I wake up every day and I just hope that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I am sorry for everone that is going through this and I just pray that we all make it and that we all have the love and support we need to heal our hearts.


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## makawee

i went to my first appointment with a doctor and asked for a progesterone test. she wouldn't give me one. she said it wouldn't matter anyways. i had a premonition something was wrong a couple weeks after conception. i even told that to the doctor. i wish i would have advocated for myself - i knew that tesing was the right thing to do.

a couple weeks later i wiped and there was the tiniest amount of blood. brown blood. i bolstered my will, went to work and halfway through the day there was blood again. called the doctors office (a different one). went in for the ultrasound. i heard "i am so sorry. it looks like the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks". i asked if she was sure. she was. i freaked out. i was alone. alone with my pants down. naked emotions raw scattered. i shouldn't have been alone. i sat in a room waiting for my doula and my doctor (this was a different doctor). thankfully he let me do what i thought was right for me.

i went home. cried. read this thread. cried. stopped feeling for while. drove around the lake. decided i needed to be at the bottom of the stormy choppy waters. not that i wanted to die. i was there metaphorically, the waters were so choppy gray cold murky. i just wanted to be cold, unfeeling.

friday saturday sunday passes. the whole time i was having a hard time knowing that my baby was dead inside me. sunday night while in bed i felt a peace knowing thinking this was the last time we would all be together again (my two kids, the baby and myself). monday i went to a labor day rally for immigrants, stopped to talk to a different doula friend and i felt the blood. she reminded me this was all totally natural.

i wanted to see the clots and the cells. i put a colander on the toilet. the blood and the clots started coming strong at 6 pm. i passed blood and clots for a couple hours. i nursed my baby, changed her diaper while on the toilet. clots. blood everywhere. the doctors trust was equally important as the reminder that this was totally natural. a friend came over about 9, she said "are you ready to go"? where? to the hospital. i laughed. finally 3 am i was ready to go to bed, in my own bed, with my kids, at home.

the next day i found a clump of yellow amongst all the blood. i saved it. the doctor said he could have it analyzed, but that involved my baby being soaked in chemicals and spliced apart. no thanks.

i never had any physical pain.

i got my period 30 days later.

it's almost been 3 months and today has been really hard. i realized just today that first doctor didn't listen to me when i asked for my progesterone to be tested. the baby died around the time of that appointment. i saw a pregnant woman rubbing her belly today. the longing for the belly leaves me in tears.

my son named my baby. i felt she is a she. i will always love you baby.


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## glendora

July 30, night - Started spotting, pinkish. Went away by morning. Would have been 1st day of eleventh week.

Aug. 1 - more pink spotting that went away.

2nd - more spotting, decided to go the the ER. Dr. took blood, and said my cervix was "still sealed."

3rd - go from spotting to bleeding. Freak out. Go back to the ER, and the doc on call says that he checked the blood test results--my hcg levels are at 4 weeks, not 11. So, yeah... it was over. Stole hospital tissues.

4th - Go for u/s with clinic doc. He says thinks look "good," but he doesn't see a heartbeat. I go for another blood test, to see if levels went up or down. I didn't really have any hope, but called the clinic later, and levels were down to 2500. So, now, it's just waiting to see how it unfolds.

5th, early morning - wake up to horrible cramping. Drill my head into my husbands chest and moan. Take tylenol pm. Pass out after an hour of pain. Later that night, I start passing some clots and bleeding heavily.

6th - Still bleeding, but figure the worst had passed. Am terribly mistaken. At ten thirty or so, I start bleeding _a lot_. And, passing a lot of chunky bits. And, then the pain kicked in. I figure that what followed was 7 hours of contractions, because the chunks kept getting bigger, and the pains were systematic like contractions are supposed to be. I took double tylenol, spent a lot of time just wailing and moaning on the toilet. The only thing that really helped was "vocalizing." Lots of moaning, groaning, humming, and repeating "It'll be okay" over and over and over again. At about 4 am I'd just had it, and starting hysterically crying that I couldn't do it anymore, and I guess that going into hysterics tripped my stress switch (finally), so I puked in a pretty monumental way. At 4:30, I decided that there's definitely no God, because it doesn't make sense that I was specially selected for something like that. After the "I can't do this anymore" pukefest, things still hurt like hell, but they started to "ramp down." I got to sleep after about 6. That was the single most difficult thing I've ever experienced physically.

Over the last week and a half, I've continued to bleed, and on some days I'll bleed pretty impressively and pass clots that are big enough for me to feel dropping, for a few hours.

I've spent a lot of time medicated. Tylenol PM is my best friend. Though, as I'm posting this at 2am, it sometimes doesn't work.

Edited to add:
I've pretty much stopped bleeding! 9/19


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## Mammax4

I have been hesitant to post...it is much easier to not put it in words.

I had a positive test May 24/06. I was surprised by this, as our chances were slight to become pregnant. I had 2 tubal ligation reversals which ultimately ended up with only one tube being long enough to reach my ovary. We had ds#3 in Nov 02 (11 mos after the second reversal) We had been very cautious, but not perfect, at NOT trying for all but one month since then. We threw caution to the wind in April and one week was all it took to conceive baby #4.

My body took off like wildfire very early on in this pregnancy. I had to buy new bras before 6 weeks, my belly was getting "paunchy" shortly after. I expected things to happen quickly, as this was #4, but I was not figuring it would be that quick.

*June 20* -- I went to emergency due to minor spotting. Hardly any blood, but as I had tubal surgery, there was an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, so I needed to rule that out. The Dr. said my cervix was closed, mucus plug was intact, no active bleeding and my uterus was large for date. u/s scheduled for next am.

*June 21* -- u/s measured small for dates. No more bleeding. After discussion with Midwife, follow up was not scheduled as outcome would not be altered and u/s has not been proven safe or unsafe.

*July 3-6* -- old blood on tp when wiping.

*July 7* -- I was at the park with the kids. We were had a picnic lunch and then went to the petting zoo. I knew then it was over. I had started to bleed more. I didn't have any cramps, but had lower backache. I went to the hospital at dinner time and by 1 am was on my way home. My cervix was still closed, but the Dr. was certain (as was I) the pregnancy would not continue. I needed another u/s to confirm "fetal demise".

*July 8* -- u/s confirmed "fetal demise". The gynecologist offered two options--natural & D&C. I chose to do the D&C. During all of this, I still had very little bleeding and did not want to drag this out anymore than it already was. I was called in at 4pm to go for D&C sometime that night. When I got in and changed, paperwork done etc I went to the bathroom. I felt a "pop" inside me and started to really bleed. I was passing clots the size of a man's fist or bigger everytime I moved in addition to the bleeding.

During my loss, I never had any abdominal cramping, not even when the clots and bleeding were at their worst. I did however have a slight backache for several weeks.

I am glad to have found MDC, it has helped to read others stories--there is comfort and sadness knowing I am not the only one.
*To all of you that are experiencing this too--I am truly sorry.*


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## simcon

Like the other posters said, these stories were very helpful to read. I am just home recovering from a miscarriage at 12 weeks that happened on Saturday. Before then, we had no abnormal signs--the pregnancy was very similar to my first, which was a healthy full-term pregnancy (few symptoms, but they were there). Saturday morning I had some brown spotting (I also had spotting during my first pregnancy, but this felt different). At around 5:30, I started passing blood and clots, and continued for some hours. Luckily I had a friend come over--my partner was out of town. I had no pain, but was bleeding very heavily, then briefly passed out. I couldn't get up from the floor without feeling woozy, so we called an ambulance--good thing. My pulse was very difficult to find, and the emt had trouble measuring my blood pressure--it was something like 70/? (they couldn't get the bottom number--too low). I ended up in the er with a transfusion (hemoglobin went to 7), and d & c to stop the bleeding the next day. They were trying to respect my wishes to complete the miscarriage naturally, but I had just lost too much blood. It's very sad, and I think I have some work to do in recovering--I'm bummed to be so weak.

I do wish I had some idea of how much blood was *too* much--I really didn't, and was very lucky to stay as safe as I did. I'm a big believer in my body's natural abilities, but it's good to know those limitations as well... I'm so glad I wasn't by myself.

Thanks again to everyone for sharing--healing thoughts to all. I'm glad to hear about the subsequent successful pregnancies as well, and hope one is in my future sometime soon.


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## mamallama

I've read these stories a few at a time. I just can't handle too much at once. I'm so sorry, mamas.

Thank you ladies, for sharing. I really needed to know. Miscarriage is one of those things we whisper, like "cancer." Truth is, it touches a lot of us. I have been alternately outraged and horrified over the lack of available information.

I went for my first prenatal visit with a new cnm on June 26, 06. I was 12wks with my third pregnancy. I'm an experienced doula and a childbirth educator. I birthed my second baby at home. I didn't want to use my babysitting "credits" for a routine visit, so dh stayed at home with the girls and I went alone. Going alone didn't seem like a big deal, but it turned out that it was.

A few minutes after meeting me, the midwife told me she couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler and invited me to the ultrasound room. I don't do routine u/s, but I thought the situation warranted it. We confirmed on u/s that not only was there no heartbeat, there was also no baby.

I held it together while the pregnant nurse took my blood and while I waited for the cnm to make the arrangements for a detailed u/s at the hospital that afternoon. I howled and bawled in the car before I called dh.

Dh sent the kids to a friend's house and took me for the second u/s. The tech determined that our baby had died at about 7wks. My most wonderful friend returned my kids later that afternoon, and also sent dinner for our family.

I had the option of having a d&c immediately, or waiting to m/c naturally. Initially I chose the d&c, because dh was about to leave for a week long business trip and I didn't want to miscarry while home alone with the kids. I woke up the day before it was scheduled with the overwhelming sense that elective surgery was not a choice I'm comfortable with, so I cancelled it.

On July 3 my labor began. I'd had stop and go contractions for a few days, but no spotting or bleeding or anything, really. On the 3rd, I was spraying my girls with the water hose when a contraction literally knocked me down. The next came within a few minutes, and then it was on. Thankfully dh was home.

I tried to get comfortable in the living room for a while, but I gave up and moved to the toilet after maybe a half an hour or so. When I did, I started bleeding. I put a (leftover from my 5yo's birth) chux pad on the bathroom stool and sat there through contractions for the next 3 hours. (we changed that pad several times) Dh sat there with me. I bled a lot and passed some big clots. It hurt, but it was managable. Eventually I got to the point where I was tired and irritated and bored with the whole thing--it was like transition in a normal birth. I turned to dh and started swearing about how I was sick of it all, and in the middle of it I had a big contraction and the placenta shot out. It was about the size of the palm of my hand. The fetal sac was apparent, the baby was not.

Then it was over.

I ate and went to bed.

A week later I was still on the hormonal roller coaster. One day it was particularly bad; that night I had a pop and gush and passed some more placenta.

I had a normal-ish period a few weeks after that, but my hormones were still whacked. I cried and raged at random intervals.

A week after that period had tapered and ceased, I had a pop and gush and passed more placenta. That was extremely alarming, as I'd though I'd finished my miscarriage a month prior.

With that last pop and gush, my hormones returned to a baseline I can live with. Until I felt better, I hadn't realized how bad off I'd been.

If I'd had a crystal ball back in June, I would have had the d&c. I wouldn't have chosen to live with retained placenta for over a month.

As it turned out, I'm glad I did it the way I did.


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## westcoastgirl

Hello,
I'm looking for some advice. I had a blighted ovum, which the doctors pointed out to me on July 10th. I should have been at 12 weeks, but the ovum didn't develop, just the sack and everything else developed. By July 14th, I still hadn't passed anything, so I opted for Misoprostal. It took about 13 hours, and was excruciating, and I have a high pain tolerance, so that's saying something. What came out (along with a LOT of blood) was about 3 inches long and had a clear sack. There was nothing but clear liquid and some opaque liquid that looked like egg whites in it. My husband and I buried it under a newly planted tree. I went back to the doctor after two weeks, and the ultrasound and hormone tests showed that I'm all clear, but I'm still bleeding, heavily. They said there is something that is probably a polyp or fibroid in my uterus, about the size of a pea, not any leftover from pregnancy, and that is normal and they don't know if it's connected to the bleeding or not. I have a hysteroscopy (they inject fluid into the uterus to get a clearer ultrasound) scheduled on October 3rd to try to see what's going on. Has anyone else heard of bleeding for this long? 71 days? I am taking iron supplements, but of course I'm very anemic after bleeding this long, and I'm wondering if this means I have a major problem, am I infertile, what's going on? I really wish doctors were more knowlegeable than they seem to be about this. One of the ultrasound technicians flat out told me that she was "better with babies" than understanding these kind of complications. Anyone have any ideas?
Thank you


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## bren'smommie

I had a perfect (surprise) pregnancy with my first child and a wonderful birth experience. He is now 9 months old, and I (surprise again) found out that I was pregnant a little over a week and a half ago (despite our efforts to be careful). What a surprise-- he is exclusively breastfeeding and we had no signs of ovulation yet! So we celebrated after two positive pregnancy tests. I made a doctor's appointment for that Wednesday since she wanted to see me right away given that I was breastfeeding and uncertain of how far along.

The night before the appointment I started spotting. By Wednesday, I was sitting in her doctor's office knowing that I had lost the baby since the spotting turned to bleeding and clotting. I know the exact moment I lost the baby. I held her (I had a strong feeling it was a girl, the same feeling I had with my son.) not knowing what to do. Now I wish I had saved her so that we could find out why and so that I could bury her. My ob pulled blood levels, which confirmed what I knew in my heart. And even though I only knew about her for a short time (I had suspected I was pregnant for a while, dismissing the notion because I thought it really wasn't possible), it hurts just the same.

I return to the doctor next Wednesday so that she can evaluate if there is any permanent damage and if we need to do anything else. The hardest part is experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I am no longer pregnant. They are supposed to subside in a few weeks.

Every thing is so raw within me right now. I have a very good friend who experienced a misscarriage after two healthy pregnancies; she has been directed my way like only one who has experienced this can. My husband, bless him, isn't quite sure what to do. I am such a mixture of emotions. I would like to have more babies but am afraid to be pregnant again because I don't want to experience this again. My heart is open though to both another pregnancy and adoption.

I am trying to let myself experience the emotions as they arrive without analyzing. I am most thankful that I have the blessing of a healthy baby boy, which some women will never be able to have. I find myself more convicted in my positions of a mother, wife, doula, breastfeeding advocate...I find it odd that our culture has no formal ritual for this cycle of life. I am planning to bury the tests at my mother's house and plant my favorite flower, daffodils, on top when I am ready. I know that there is a future and a plan for me and my family no matter how big or small. I take hold to that and the hope that is within.

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I hope that through mine I can help others just as your stories have helped me. Blessings to you all.


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## Yodergoat

I am so very very sad reading all of these stories here. They have taken me back to a few years ago, when we lost three babies in a row during our struggle to have a child. We finally have a daughter now, which I consider a miracle and a joy beyond belief. For so long, miscarriage and ectopic loss boards were my home, and I shared and grieved with hundreds of others who understood. We despaired that we might never have a living child. Now we do, but still the memory of those failed pregnancies comes back to me, perhaps even more poignant now because in seeing our daughter, we know exactly what we have lost.

This will be a very long post, sharing not only the physical aspects of those losses but also the emotional.

*First Pregnancy, April 2002*

We had tried for more than three years to get pregnant, with each passing month more painful than the last. Tests on each of us showed no problem, so we continued to try but with failing hope. The surprise of a pregnancy made all of those 39 long, dim months of waiting seem like nothing... we finally had what we had been praying for! I had taken the test in the afternoon, and the reality of it had not even set in before I started bleeding. HCG tests showed very low numbers. The words, "a non-viable pregnancy," spoken to me over the phone by a nurse, crushed any remnant of hope which I had. I learned again that no matter how badly you wish for something not to happen, even if you say a prayer on every single breath, it can still happen. I can't pinpoint the actual moment of miscarriage... it seemed more like a long and more painful period lasting about a week, followed by extended spotting. Our baby was so small that it was not identifiable. To so many who have never experienced miscarriage, they might think that all you lose are the days or weeks that you were pregnant. They are wrong... you lose the entire lifetime you have imagined with that child. I believe that each baby conceived is a unique and unrepeatable individual, and that no matter how early it is lost in the pregnancy, _a person that would-have-been is now gone forever_.

Aside from the elation at seeing the initial positive test and the joy of telling our families that we had finally conceived, there was little happiness during that brief and fleeting pregnancy. We'd had only a few hours of untainted joy before the spotting began, and the rest of that time was spent worrying and crying and dreading to check the toilet tissue when I wiped, for fear of more blood. The weight of our years of trying to conceive came back, and I dreaded another long wait to get a second chance. I mourned my baby, and although I had known of it for only a week, it was as if a lifetime had passed. And indeed, an entire life that would-have-been was lost. Our future was gone, and my hope failed.

*Second Pregnancy, March-May 2003*

Eleven months later, I became pregnant again. The day before I took the test, my husband had told me that he had given up, and that our first pregnancy must have been our only chance. He told me that he thought he could live without a child, but could I? I sat in the floor and listened to this, the most negative thing I had ever had him say, and it all seemed so surreal. It didn't affect me... I didn't cry or argue or get angry to hear these words. I just accepted it and knew it could be true... we might never have a child. The next night, after feeling strange all day, I took a test, and it was a very strong positive. I woke my husband to tell him, and we stayed up talking about our fears for this pregnancy long into the night. I tried to convince myself not to love the baby, because I might just lose it. What an impossibility! How could I not love this life within me? I could feel it changing me... I "felt" pregnant for the first time. I thanked God each time I felt sick, and although I was afraid of losing it (terrified), I also began to dare think that it could possibly last this time. It all felt so REAL and normal. But the memory of my first miscarriage would not let me dare to let go of fear, and although I was joyful, my heart was sick with the thought that I might lose this one as well. Elation and fear played a duel within me, and slowly happiness won over the worry.

My very happiest (and worst) day was one I experienced in May of 2003. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant, and my husband had brought me to the doctor for my second checkup. Everything in the exam seemed wonderful, and after hearing of my fears, the doctor decided to reassure me that all was well by scheduling an ultrasound later in the day. We would get to see the heartbeat, and our fears would be somewhat relieved. The time between that appointment and the time of the ultrasound (about 2 hours) was the gladdest and best time of my life. The thought of seeing our baby made both of us elated. We ate lunch, went shopping for plants, and laughed and talked about our future. For the first time in years, I didn't wince when I saw a big pregnant belly on a passerby, I beamed because soon that would be ME. I can actually pinpoint the best moment I had ever had up until that point... we were at Lowe's, looking at perennial plants, and my husband was across the aisle. I could just barely see his face through the pots and foliage. The time to see our baby on the ultrasound was drawing very near...soon we would drive back to the clinic. William looked across the aisle at me, smiled his biggest smile, and asked, "Are you ready to go, momma?" It was the first time he had said that, and it all seemed so right and so true. I was a momma, a real momma who was about to see her baby for the first time. Its heart would be beating, and it would live. Everything would be okay, and our baby would be born, and I would love him or her so so much.

That was my best moment. And little did I know that about 15 minutes later, I would be having the worst moment of my life... but instead of being brief and fleeting, it would seem like forever. When the ultrasound technician couldn't find anything with the first tool, I was concerned, but still my excitement and gladness was alive. She had to use the transvaginal ultrasound, and said that sometimes it is just hard to see on the regular one. And as I watched the screen, and the look of concern in the technician's eyes as she still searched for a heartbeat, it began to dawn on me that it had happened again. Just when I had allowed myself to be completely happy, it had happened again! I looked at William, sitting in the shadows to the side, and he looked back at me. There was none of the beaming and smiling and laughter in his eyes... just worry. The nurse finally exhaled when she saw something on the screen, but when she asked me if I was maybe not as far along as I had thought I was, I knew it was true. My baby was dead... it had simply stopped growing. Where there should have been a very visible baby on the screen, there was just a tiny shape with no movement. I writhed on the table... I was inconsolable. I screamed, I wailed, I couldn't stand to deal with this again. William had not cried tears at his mother's funeral a few years before, and he didn't cry now, but his face looked just as pained and aguished as it had that day. He had wanted this so much, too. My hands flew to my belly, which just minutes before I had believed held a living baby. How can your happiest moment be followed so closely by your worst?

I had to give blood for a beta HCG count to confirm that the pregnancy had failed, and it was many minutes before I could manage to walk to the lab. The nurse was kind and considerate, and tried to reassure me that all would be well at first. But when she saw that I knew it was over, she squatted down and took my hand and told me that she had lost a baby, too, and knew how I felt. Tears shined in her eyes. She escorted me out through the back exit, so I wouldn't have to see the pregnant women in the waiting room. I rode home stricken, shocked, and quiet. There were no more tears. I was numb now, and berated myself for ever having hoped. I hated my body for failing me again... I felt broken and empty. I found myself still putting my hands on my stomach, which had already begun to round out. How could my baby have just died? I'd done everything right... everything. How could this happen to us again? I just sat and stared out the window and grieved quietly. My husband, clinging to some hope, tried to find a way that it might not be true, but his logic failed and I could tell he knew he was just offering empty reassurances.

I miscarried several days later. The doctor had asked if I would prefer to miscarry naturally, and I said that I did. I wanted to do it on my own, to at least do that much, and when it finally started, I felt relieved. The HCG tests had shown rapidly dropping numbers, so there was no longer any hope about miscalculated dates. It was going to be over soon, if I could just get through that night. I had felt small cramps throughout the day, and in late evening I had felt a gush of warm clear fluid, so I knew it would be happening soon. I didn't even wake my husband, but instead snuck in and out of bed to go to the bathroom. I had actual contractions, which went on for hours with brief intervals during which I could rest, but I welcomed the pain. Somehow I didn't cry, not even once, but was instead very stoic and solemn and silent. I have reflected back on this miscarriage since giving birth to our daughter, and realize now that the pains I felt then were very much like the contractions I had while delivering her without pain medications, but far briefer and less intense. I passed a moderate amount of blood and some clots, but I never saw my baby... I didn't really look. If I could take anything back, it would be that. I should have looked. I used to reassure myself that the baby probably wouldn't have been identifiable, because it stopped growing, so maybe there was nothing to see. But since then I have read of others' experiences and I think I would have seen the sac and the too-small baby within. I feel as if I have betrayed my child by not looking. I regret that so deeply....

I thought I would feel better the next day, since it was finally all over, but I felt even more empty and alone. The physical pain had ended, but the grief had become more intense. I kept putting my hands over my now-empty belly, and the grief wouls leave me crumpled on the floor. This time, I found support on the internet, in pregnancy loss forums. I don't know how I would have managed without those wonderful ladies. My close family and husband were very supportive, but I needed to talk with others who had endured the same loss. It was made more difficult because we had not even told some of our friends about the pregnancy. I don't know why we waited... and how I wish we hadn't! I had to face these people and smile and appear normal, while inside I was waiting for them to notice and ask, "What is wrong with you?" But no one asked. And most of those who did know, and had been so excited about our pregnancy that seemed to be going so well, would scarcely meet my gaze. The loss felt so unacknowledged, too taboo to be mentioned. I began to hate my body, which could not even perform this one function which others seemed to do almost effortlessly.

*Ectopic Pregnancy, October 2003*

To do something to feel back in control of this, I had a few tests and it was discovered that my progesterone levels were abnormal. It was something I could cling to, a glimmer of hope. It was something I could do... something tangible and real. I began taking oral supplements, and a few months after the miscarriage, we began trying again. To our utter amazement, we conceived the first month. But the positive test was received with trepidation, because I was already bleeding. This time, I did not allow myself to hope for a good outcome, and after many blood tests which showed slowly rising HCG levels, I suspected that the pregnancy was in my tube. An ultrasound confirmed this, and I was not surprised or shocked. I had expected something bad, and this was actually what I felt might be wrong. I had been almost expecting the pregnancy to be ectopic, and I accepted the diagnosis without complaint or hestitation.

In that ultrasound room, I lay on the table and watched the screen intently. I was very clinical, very detached. I had already mourned this baby, from the moment I had seen the positive test. There was no screaming, no writhing like before. Just a slow and steady fall of silent tears that rolled down my cheeks and left smears on my glasses. I asked many questions as we waited for the doctor, queries about treatments for ectopic pregnancies, causes, and how uncommon it is. The technician tried his best to answer our questions, and I was glad to see he met my gaze steadily and openly. That simple gesture made me feel better, and I prepared myself for possible surgery. The doctor, who had been my physician through the entire ordeal from infertility testing to miscarriages, confirmed that the baby was in my right tube, and it had already succumbed. There was no heartbeat, although one might have been visible at 6 weeks 4 days when using transvaginal ultrasound. I was relieved that I did not have to endure seeing a fluttering heart, only to have to remove it from my body. I got a more clear look at the embryo than I did during my miscarriage before, and I felt so hollow and empty knowing that my body housed yet another dead baby. Why was I so broken?

I was prepared for laparoscopic surgery which would take place in an hour or so, and that entire time seemed so surreal. I had never had surgery of any kind, and I was both curious about how it would feel and fearful that it would go wrong. My husband seemed terrified for me. He had also never been in surgery, and I think that seeing me with an IV and lying so helpless on a narrow hospital bed upset and frightened him. The nurses were very reassuring, and took the time to tell me that they were sorry for the loss of my baby. One recounted that she had also had an ectopic pregnancy, and understood my fear. She cried as she told me, and smiled as she mentioned that she went on to have a daughter a year later. Their kindness meant so much to me... here were strangers who were more open and sympathetic than many of my own family and friends had been during our previous losses. I was given a sedative, but it made me jumpy instead of calming me. I couldn't hold still... I wriggled and squirmed and tapped my feet against the bedcovers. I had moments of mellow calm interspersed with periods of anxiety and fidgety irritation. I was impatient for it to be over, but I had eaten earlier in the day and my stomach had to settle. That period of waiting was very difficult, and I could see it was wearing on my husband who seemed so fearful for me.

I did take the advice of the nurses right before being put under the anesthetic, and that was to think of something pleasant. In my case, I recalled the memory of a great afternoon William and I had birdwatching a few years ago. We had driven down a very narrow dirt road in a wildlife refuge in the autumn, and the edge of the road was hemmed in with trees on both sides to make a canopy above us, with just glimpses of the clearest sky. The autumn leaves were falling and swirling all about the car, narrow leaves of the brightest yellow, and on the car stereo was playing a song from The Lord of the Rings books, sung beautifully by a choir. It was very elvish and melancholy, and made me think of Lothlorien, a place described in the story as being hauntingly beautiful, restful, and calming with its golden trees. We drove the length of that tiny road listening to the song, and even though there was just a gravel turnaround at the end, it was well worth the drive and we were both completely at peace. It is one of my nicest memories, something which could never be recreated even if we went at the same day of the year and played the same song. We didn't know where that wee road led, and what might lie at the end... and when it just ended, with no destination, we weren't sorry at all. I remember that now as a life lesson... a thought that comforts me as I travel down any new road.

My surgery over, and a success because they saved my right tube, we came home. The doctor said that the baby's remains were not substantial enough to be identifiable, so yet again, I had nothing tangible to bury or mourn, The physical pains and recovery from the surgery helped to dull my emotions, and at the time I was very glad of that. I had trouble comprehending that terrible number, "three." It is a small number, but seemed so huge. Three babies lost, gone, never to grow. Three individuals with their own ways which I would not learn in this life. Three, the number of children my parents had, enough to make a busy, happy household. The number of siblings which my husband has, each their own unique person. I will have to wait to meet them, I suppose. I never even got to see their heartbeats... I just knew they were there, although for so brief a time that most people seem to have already forgotten them. Most don't realize that they were here long enough to change my life forever... my first three children who have affected me as much each day in their deaths as they would have had they been born.

*Current Day*

We finally have our long-awaited child, after seven painful years of frustration and loss. If you don't think that we were nervous during that pregnancy, you would be wrong! Each moment was counted as a blessing... each day, a milestone. We saw a pulsing heartbeat on that ultrasound at last, instead of stillness. And she finally arrived, safe and alive. Those were my first words when Gail was born: "She is really alive!" I could scarcely believe that she was real, and yet each morning upon awakening, there she was.

Having lost three babies (and after enduring so many years of infertility), we have such an appreciation for each day we spend with Gail. She brings unfathomable joy. And yet, when I look at her, I do wonder about her siblings, and what they might have been. So, although I am so wonderfully happy to be a momma at last, I do still miss those others. They paved Gail's way with love and tears, and we will never be the same.

I don't know that anyone has actually read this far... but if you have, thank you. It felt good to share this amongst those who understand.

My prayers are with all of those who are struggling through loss... many hugs to you all!


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## Josette Marie

This is what I shared from another small chat group.

I have more sad news to tell and yet in a twist we feel blessed.

I think I did tell you that last Thursday I started to bleed. I thought maybe I overdid it, and after talking to my midwife decided to have an ultrasound if it got worse. On Friday it seemed to lessen up. Saturday we went to the midwife to try to find a heartbeat. We could not hear one...yet we could not hear one 2 weeks before.

Saturday the blood was almost nonexistant. On Sunday it started back up again but nothing scary just like light menstrual flow. We were going in to have an ultrasound Monday. We still held on to hope.

Sunday night I passed the baby. We could see it clearly the little hands. It looked about 9 or 10 weeks along (I was 13 weeks pregnant). I baptized the baby.

On Monday, we went to Mass. We didnt' know they were having a furneral mass that morning. It was very hard and my husband and I were so overcome with the requiem mass and the singing that we cried silently through the whole thing.

Later, we were able to bury our little baby on Church grounds where they have an area for that. My mom brought over a little box, cried with me, looked at the baby. We placed the baby in the box ( a very pretty carved box that she had lined and put our family picture in).

Tuesday we met my mom and sister in law for pizza.I was glad to be distracted and surrounded by all my little nephews and neice not to mention my own However, at the pizza place I passed more clots, which was very traumatic to be scooping these out of a public toilet...I was scared it could be part of the baby This toilet was an automatic flusher! . I wanted to make sure it was buried..

I brought home with me one of my nephews because he has been wanting to spend the night for so long. Later, we went to the little grave and buried the clots and put a little garden fence around the grave. This helped.

On Wednesday driving him (my nephew ) back home (they live an hour away) I felt nauseous and just so tired. We dropped him off. On the way back we stopped to eat at Dairy Queen (I thought it was that I needed to eat) I started cramping. I went to the bathroom there and noticed alot more blood and i passed a few more clots. I was confident that these were just normal blood clots and let them go down the drain.

The cramping got bad and it felt like labour. When we arrived home I got into a warm bath to help relieve the cramps/contractions. I felt a bit better and got dressed to help Jeff get the kids off to bed. While I was holding Thomas and rocking him to sleep the pains got worse and had to leave Jeff with Thomas while I went off to try to cope with the pain.

I got in a warm bath again. I forget that I really shouldn't be in a bath because of infection...I just knew that the warm water would help with the pain. The contractions got worse I had to pant through them. I would get up and squat and clot and blood would come out. I thought my body was just purging the rest of the placenta out. I would alternate squatting and laying down. Then...out whooshed this ...amniotic sac from my body.
I was so shocked...it came out in the water and floated like a balloon. it was full..I didn't know what to think.

The next few minutes were chaos. Me wrapped in a towel, blood running down my legs....getting Jeff. The babies not understanding and David trying to help mommy clean the blood by unrolling the entire roll of toilet paper. Jeff calling the midwife...me in the other tub still bleeding and Thomas standing by the tub, grabbing at mommy.

the amniotic sac was intact, It was the size of my hand and full. My husband carefully opened it up. Inside was a little baby. This one looked about 6 weeks.I baptized that baby . We were so stunned. We felt so much grief and yet amazed that we had twins.

Since I was bleeding too much I needed to go in to er. I will skip all the chaos of getting ready, getting my mom...cleaning up....

The doctor who works with my midwife met us there. we brought along the sac, and everything else. I told Jeff to keep it hidden. He examined me, removed a clot and said i was doing fine the bleeding had stopped. He examined the baby and was amazed, he had never seen in person a baby that small. He was amazed that we were able to find it He told us to keep it out of site so we didn't have a bunch of paper work to fill out in order to keep "our " baby.

What we think happened is that one baby died, but the second one continued on for another month and that's why the sac was so big for the 6 week old baby. My body thought to just keep growing..

The doctor was very nice and prayed with us before he left. i feel blessed to have a midwife with this pregnancy, because I don't know if this happened with a regular ob if I would of been able to see as much or would they have made me do a d and c and the babies would not have remained intact.

Today was hard....we had to dig the grave up again (we want them together) and place the second little "coffin" in. My emotions are so up and down. I fine then I am bawling. This morning I called a bunch of friends to tell them what happened. I was so in awe of what happened, how neat God made everything....and that we have two babies in heaven. Yet, later this afternoon i was so overcome with the fact that I won't see them grow up.

I need your prayers...I just had to let you ladies know.


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## jpiper0430

I found this link to be very helpful while I was waiting to miscarry, so here's my story:

I had miscarried my first pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks. Emotionally, it was hard, but I had almost no cramps and I only bled for about 3 days (less than my normal monthly period). My midwife said I could go ahead and start trying whenever we wanted, and let me know that often women are very fertile after a miscarriage.

DH and I found out that we were pregnant again very soon after. We were very excited, but very nervous. For the next 10 weeks, everytime I went to the bathroom, I would get nervous that I would see spotting. Then it happened - when I was just 2 days before hitting the 12 week mark, I started spotting. I called my midwife and she sent me in for some tests. My progesterone and HcG levels were very low. A second HcG test showed the numbers were decreasing. After some discussion with my DH and midwife, we decided to give it a few weeks to try and miscarry naturally. During this time, many people told me I was crazy, but I felt like it was the only way I could truely say goodbye to my little angel.

Fast forward to what would have been exactly 14 weeks. I had been spotting on and off for two weeks. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so I was heading to the store to pick up some bulbs for the yard - I decided to make a perennial flower bed for my lost loved ones. As DH and I pulled into the parking lot, I felt a strange sense of peace and calmness. Then, when I went to stand up to get out of the car, I felt a huge gush. I wasn't sure if I had wet myself or started to miscarry. I checked my pants, and it was very clear that I was beginning the miscarriage. We got back in the car and drove home. When we got home, I decided to get in the shower to clean up myself and my pants. I ended up having a few more large gushes in the shower. Once I seemed to have stopped gushing, I cleaned up, threw the tissue in a container (to bury in the perennial garden) and got dressed again. It was only a few hours after that when I started cramping. I had some very strong menstrual like cramps (back, stomach and legs) for about 4 hours. DH was wonderful and kept recharging my heating pad (putting in the microwave for a minute).

I was amazed at how peaceful I felt the next morning. I'm still sad that I lost a little angel, but by waiting for the natural miscarriage, I felt I was able to say goodbye and get closure.

I'm still bleeding a little (mostly just spotting). My midwife wants me to wait until some tests can be run (progesterone levels etc.) until we start trying again.

Thanks for reading my story.

-Piper


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## mamato5angels

My m/c started roughly 2 weeks ago before I even knew I was pg. The bleeding started 3 days before my "normal" cycle was due but it was different. It was very very heavy with a lot of clots. I use a diva cup and had to empty it almost hourly for about 3 days. My regular Dr. refered me to an OB as my iron level was very low from my heavy cycles. So here I was 1 week + into bleedign at the Ob's office. He is talking about my having a cyst and getting a scraping of my uterus the next morning. Well we ran some blood tests and came up with a + blood test with some low numbers. Later in the day I had the u/s which showed a sac but nothing else. We repeated the blood test the next 2 days and my levels rose to almost double. All this time I am still bleeding and only very very light cramping once in a while (not even as bad as AF cramps). Well here we are 4 days after the "high" level of 342 with a level of 71. I am still bleeding almost 2 1/2 weeks after it all started. I have chosen to not have a D&C as they are very invasive but will have one if I really need to.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with us all. It really shows me how lucky I was.


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## mamainmotion

I birthed a tiny fetus on 9-11 -06.
I had no idea i would actually be birthing-!!
I had light brown spotting for weeks, I felt strange about this but mw were not worried because I had no other symptoms.
At 10 p.m. 9-10 i started having red blood and knew I was loosing my baby.
At about 11:30 I finally got my ds to bed(finally) and me on the toilet.
I caught everything including a tiny fetus with eyes looking at me.
the fetus was about the size of a kidney bean. I bled a lot and got scared. I had contractions (mild for me compared to full term) every 30 minutes and I would birth more tissue. I birthed the placenta at 3:30 am and knew it was over.
I went on line to do a search to help me feel ok and what to do next. i didn't know this thread was here, I was looking.

I called the mw in the morning 2 days later she checked me and went over the remains with me.
i should also mention I did not want an u/s with this pregnancy and if I had had one I would have known sooner.

We felt this baby was our baby girl. We have been talking about her for years and even named her. That is the hardest part - the spirt of this child with us. She is buried under a huge cedar in our back yard.

After thoughts of the whole thing. I felt something was wrong the whole time. sometimes I can be paranoid and I was trying to be OK. There are so many things to worry about already.
2 days of crying and trying to put my life back together I actually felt this dead energy leave me.
I have read it takes several weeks for a natural miscarriage and we are still caring this dead baby, dead energy.

I am ok though. maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe the baby wasn't ready.
this is the natural process of things and I am ok, and I hope you can also find this healing.

nothing can emotionally prepare you though.


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## Taryn1975

Big hugs to everyone...

One of the worst parts about miscarriage for me has been uncertainty. Before I came across this site, and spoke with some other women that had miscarriages I didn't have a clue what I could expect from this experience. My heart goes out to you if you are waiting and wondering. Be strong and know that your body knows what to do. Talk to other women. They can help you feel more normal and help you understand what is going on. Get lots of hugs and put yourself first, especially now.

I was 11 weeks pregnant when I noticed the lightest pinkish brown spotting... At first I thought it was probably nothing, but the next morning it was enough to show up on my panty liner. I thought I should go get checked out, just in case. My first prenatal exam for pap smear and blood work was scheduled for the next morning. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and said, "Oh, this is a very early pregnancy. You're probably about 5-6 weeks along. I see a little tiny sac right here" and he pointed to a small black spot on the screen. I said, "That's impossible! I had a positive pregnancy test September 22nd." It was October 18th. When I said that his expression sank and he looked a little closer. He couldn't see any sign of life and also thought that he saw cysts on my ovaries. I was not happy to hear that. I have friends with PCOS, and I didn't want it. He said that we might be having a miscarriage. I was instantly devastated. I knew in my heart at that moment that all hope was lost for this pregnancy. He drew some blood to check my HCG levels, and encouraged me to keep my appointment for the next day. I came in the next morning for a pap smear and another blood draw for HCG comparison. He sent me to the hospital for another ultrasound. I waited for what seemed to be forever to hear the news I had expected... They were sure I would miscarry.

The doctor was pretty vague at telling me what to expect, so I contacted a midwife that I found online. She told me in more detail what to look for... That the bleeding would increase and that I might see large clots being passed and that I might not recognize the embryonic sac in the clots. She told me that if I was SOAKING two pads every half an hour that it was too much blood and I should go to the hospital. She encouraged me to call with any questions, and reminded me to trust my body because it knew what to do. She encouraged me to try to work through the miscarriage at home, because a D&C could be dangerous and unnecessary.

For the next few days I walked around in a daze, with a painful sadness that was crippling. I burned through an entire box of tissues crying my eyeballs out. I felt hopeless, worthless, suicidal. My three sisters came to spend the weekend with me. Their company was wonderful. I was able to forget about the ordeal for a while, but when they all had to go back to school and work on Monday I was left alone with my thoughts again and went back to uncontrollably sobbing. My poor husband didn't have any idea why I was so sad, and didn't know what to do for me.

Exactly one week after I noticed the spotting, I began to bleed more heavily and have cramps that were enough for me to be uncomfortable during class. (I'm 30, and going back to school) I came home early, took some Ibuprofen and tried to relax. My symptoms nearly went away for a little while. My sister and her children came over for dinner and left around 9pm. At 11, I was clearing the last of the dinner dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and I started looking around and getting ANGRY about how much stuff was lying around everywhere. I started cleaning like crazy. My husband heard me stomping around and he came up from the computer room. I yelled at him for not taking care of stuff while I wasn't feeling well and told him that he'd better help me find the house under the pile of junk that was burying it. We cleaned like mad for two hours. I even helped him move the bed (which is very heavy) to vacuum under it. All the while, my cramps and bleeding increased until I couldn't clean anymore. They were demanding my complete attention.

From 1am until 4am the cramps got worse and worse... I could feel them coming and going, like contractions. I breathed through them, tried different positions, sitting, standing, squatting, walking... I continued to pass large clots of bloody tissue that ranged in size from pea size to the size of a silver dollar. At 4am my husband was falling asleep. I sent him to bed. The next two hours were terrifying for me. I was alone, and the pain was unbearable. My uterus clamped down for one solid contraction that lasted over an hour. I was miserable, but it was snowing like crazy, and all of my friends have small children. I couldn't think of anyone to call. At 7am I called my lover over to help me (yes, I am in a loving relationship with two men, and I'm the luckiest woman alive). He normally gets up at 5am and has a 1.5-hour commute to work, but with the snow it was going to be much longer. When he heard my voice, he was over in a flash. He went through my meds box and found the last Vicodin. Then he took me into the guest room and I laid on my stomach while he gently "walked" his knuckles up and down my sacral spine and pressed on my pelvis and hip joints. He was kneeling between my knees while he pushed on my back, and occasionally he would lie down on me (his belly resting on my butt) and gently rock me back and forth. The pressure helped a lot.

At 9am my husband got up and took over. My lover had to go to work and he reluctantly kissed me goodbye. The next couple of hours brought the worst pain. At around 10:30, I sent my husband to the pharmacy to get some more pain meds. Once again, I was alone. I thought about going to the hospital, but I wasn't bleeding too much (according to the midwife) and I didn't want them to force me into a D&C. I sat on the couch and said out loud, "Goodbye baby. I'm sorry that things worked out this way. Please come out of there. I love you."

I was passing large clots of stringy, bloody tissue. Some of them were as big as silver dollars. I examined some of them because I was looking for the baby. They felt a little like cooked pumpkin or spaghetti squash. It was relatively solid tissue, but I could pull it apart without much effort. Some of it was smooth and gelatinous. It reminded me of liver. All of it was a very, very dark red color (almost black) Around 11:30am I had some HORRIBLE contractions that I couldn't speak through, and nothing I did made me more comfortable. I prayed for them to be over soon. Within 20 minutes they subsided considerably.

My mom came over with some tea and chocolate for me and started to make me some soup. The Vicodin was kicking in and I fell asleep in the recliner for a short time. I woke up suddenly at 12:30 with an urge to run to the bathroom. The minute I sat down I felt something painlessly slip out and heard a little plop into the water. I knew that it had to be the embryo. I fished it out of the toilet with a little net and put it into a baggie to get a good look at it. All I could see was a little sac that was a little over an inch long. There was a lot of blood, but I could tell that it was different than everything else that I passed. The sac had whitish-pink streaks and when I felt around in it I couldn't really feel any sign of the baby. I was amazed at how tough it was. It felt like a very wilted grape with an incredibly thick skin. It was bigger than what the doctor measured on the ultrasound. He thought it was around 8mm, but it was about 2.5 cm long. The sac was attached to some stringy tissue similar to what I noticed earlier. I determined that it must have been part of the placenta.

I was also amazed at how I was feeling. Physically I was almost back to normal. I was surprised at how strong and good I felt, especially after being up for 32 hours essentially going through labor. Emotionally I was relieved that it was over, a little bit sad, but also a little detached. I was surprised that I didn't break down and sob, but I didn't feel a need to. I showed my mom the little baggie, and she cried. She said some comforting words to me, and I cried a little too.

I was awake for 32 hours straight and I was ready for some real sleep. I ate a bowl of soup and hit the sack. I woke up at around 9pm, took a shower and got dressed. I felt so much better. My lover came over for a little visit. I was so glad to see him. He stayed the night and got up early for work on Friday.

Friday evening rolled around, and at about 6pm I started having mean contractions again. I was confused and not happy about it. I thought I was done, but I guess not. Several more clots of blood were passed, but nothing serious. I went through about three more hours of intense contractions, but eventually they settled down again, and I've just had some normal bleeding ever since. I didn't sleep well last night and today I'm feeling very emotional again.

I hope that telling my story might help someone know what to do or feel a little more confident in what to expect. If you have gone through something like this, please talk about it and help other women know about it. It's ridiculous how little information is available on the subject, when it's such a common occurrence. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost, or are in the process of losing your baby. Let's be there for each other as women, and reach out to those who are needing some support. Keep telling your stories, and share your wisdom.

-Taryn


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## mother_sunshine

to everyone.

This was my 2nd miscarriage and it was much different than the 1st (earlier in this thread). This time I started bleeding heavily at 5 1/2 weeks. I immediately assumed that I was miscarrying because it was similar to the beginning of my last one. But the bleeding only lasted a day, and a few days later I was still testing positive, so I went to the OB to see what was happening. I ended up going to the hospital for an "emergency" transvaginal u/s and the tech showed me my tiny baby with a very strong heartbeat! I was ecstatic, sobbing and hugging the tech. My baby was alive! I couldn't be happier. It turned out that I had a small subchorionic hematoma that had hemmoraged, and might continue to hemmorage throughout the pregnancy, so I was put on pelvic rest just to be safe.

The next 2 weeks were great, no signs of m/c. I whole-heartedly thought everything was fine this time. 2 weeks later I went in for another transvaginal u/s just as a check-up. This time there was no heartbeat. The baby must have just died prior to the u/s. I was devastated.

The next 2 weeks were one very long and grueling wait. Nothing. Then the m/c began. The cramping, contractions, lots of bleeding, lots of searching through the toilet for my baby. What looked like a gestational sac popped out but it was dark red and blood-filled so I believe it was the hematoma. I disected it anyway, but no baby. This time I felt a strong POP before I m/c the placenta. But this time it wasn't all in one piece with the gestational sac and baby attached. It was in big and small chunks. And this time no baby. I searched through everything. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe he reabsorbed into my body? I froze the placenta in hopes that the baby would eventually come out so I can bury them complete, like my last. But it's 2 cycles later and it hasn't happened and I don't expect it to.

This time I am not ready to pick up the pieces and try again. This one made me feel like I truly was just about to lose my sanity.

When the time feels right I will bury the placenta next to my other baby, on the other side of the young gardenia bush that I bought for my first.
There is a tiny glimpse of beauty in this. The day after I found out I m/c, the gardenia bush (that I planted with my first) produced it's first gardenia blossom. A big beautiful bright deliciously fragrant blossom....on that tiny new seedling of a gardenia bush. And that was the only blossom it has produced since.


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## Taryn1975

I posted my story yesterday... I passed the embryonic sac on Thursday morning. Saturday was very emotional but non-eventful as far as bleeding and pain. I had some cramps and I took a lot of pills (Vicodin) to dull my sadness more than anything... Sunday morning (today) my bleeding was very light and seemed like it was going to stop, but about 1/2 an hour ago it kicked in again and I passed another large clot of bloody tissue. Does anyone know how long this could go on?

Trying not to worry...

-Taryn


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## mother_sunshine

This past time it lasted almost 2 weeks for me. Lots of off and on, like you said. It was emotionally (and physically) hard for it to last that long, but it helped a little to know that my body knew what it was doing. I just needed to trust it.








Mama. From reading all the mamas stories here, it's a completely individual thing. Sometimes it can be a few days and other times it can be months.









eta:
You mentioned that you passed the sac. Did you pass the placenta yet? It looks and feels like thick chicken skin and there is a lot of it (a handful for me, and then some, at 7-10 weeks).


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## Taryn1975

I don't know if I've actually passed the placenta or not... I've passed several large chunks of tissue that seemed like it could have been parts of the placenta. They were very similar to the tissue that was attached to the sac. If all of the parts were put together, I would say that it might make up a handfull, but I just don't know. I keep feeling like I'm mostly done with this, but then this afternoon surprised me. I'm going in to the doc tomorrow, and I think he's going to do an ultrasound to see what else is hanging out in there. I'm so tired of dealing with this. It's emotionally and physically wearing me out.

Thanks for the encouragement. I can use all that I can get right now.

-Taryn


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## mother_sunshine

Taryn


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## beckyphry

to you all.

I came to read this thread when I started miscarrying. It helped me so much!

My husband and I started TTC in September 06 and we got pregnant that first cycle. It took my positive test quite a while to show up, which in retrospect, should have been a sign that something wasn't right. I tested negative at 12, 14 and 16DPO and was sure I'd eventually get my period (even though, at 16DPO, I was already 4 days late). I tested again at 19DPO and got a very strong positive. I was elated, but immediately scared something bad would happen. We didn't tell anyone.

5 days later (at 5w4d) on Monday October 9th, I was grocery shopping when I felt wetness in my pants. I looked down and couldn't see anything, but finished my shopping up quickly, my heart pounding. I rushed to my car, got in and looked down. There it was -- blood, seeping through my khakis.

I left my husband a frantic voicemail and drove home, freaking out. Got home, put on a pad. The bleeding had just been a big gush, but didn't continue. My husband finally called, I told him what had happened, I was very upset. He called my midwife's office, they advised us to to go the ER. He came and got me and we went to the ER. We spent 5 hours there. I barely bled at all, they did an u/s and didn't see anything. My hcg levels were normal for someone 5 weeks pregnant.

That night and the next day I had brown spotting. I felt fairly confident that things might be ok.

2 days after my ER visit I followed up with the doctor the hospital sent me to. She did an exam and said my cervix was closed. She took more blood to test my hcg levels and said that she thought I was miscarrying. I was annoyed that she'd say that without even knowing my hcg levels. My spotting turned pink right before my visit.

The next day at work I felt some wetness and went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down I had a large gush of blood with some tissue come out. Later in the day I had another gush of blood when I went to the bathroom. My spotting was now red. The doctor from the previous day called and said that my hcg levels were the same as Monday and that I should go to the hospital for another blood draw. She blamed the stagnant numbers on a difference in the labs.

The next day (Friday October 13th) I stopped at the hospital to have my hcg levels tested again and then I went into my midwife's office for the first time. They did an u/s and said that there was still quite a bit in there, and now a small sac could be seen, but it was too small if I was really 6 weeks. They were trying to get my hcg results from the hospital when I left.

Later that afternoon I finally called them to see if my numbers were in. They were -- they were rising, but not enough. In 5 days they hadn't even doubled. It was confirmed -- I was miscarrying.

We canceled our weekend plans to stay home. I didn't want to go far from a hospital. But nothing happened -- just the same old spotting. It was scary and frustrating. Sunday afternoon I had some light bleeding and that made me hopeful. The waiting was intense. Over the next few days I had more bleeding, at times it was heavier than a normal period. Then it dropped back off to just spotting. I hated waiting for it to happen, and I was worried I would have a large amount of bleeding when I was at work, in an important meeting, etc. It was really hard to wait it out.

That Thursday, October 19th, I went in for another ultrasound. The tech said that there was still quite a bit in my uterus that needed to come out. I talked to the midwife and she encouraged me to get a D&C. I told her that I didn't want one, that I'd prefer to wait it out and let it happen naturally. She said that's not what she recommended. I was annoyed -- weren't midwives supposed to be more holistic and less medical? I was only 5 weeks when this started, I should not need a D&C!

I also tried to talk to her about my suspicion for the miscarriage -- that my luteal phase was only about 9 days long and that I was worried about my progesterone. She seemed to dismiss my concerns, which upset me. My voice cracked, and as soon as that happened she came right over to me and hugged me. She told me it was ok. The floodgates opened and I told her I was tired of waiting and that I was scared of surgery. She tried to make me feel better, and I appreciated her compassion.

I left the office with an appointment to see one of the ob/gyns the next Wednesday. My husband and I had plans to go to a wedding out of town that weekend and I was determined not to miss it. I was sick of putting my life on hold for this miscarriage. We left for the wedding Saturday 10/21 and I managed to have a good time. The wedding was on Sunday 10/22, and we had originally planned to stay that night and leave Monday to come home, but since the reception was over at 4pm I decided I wanted to just drive the 5 hours to get home and be able to sleep in my own bed that night.

We got home around 10:30pm. I started cramping, just a little at first. I took some advil and tried to go to sleep. Took more advil... finally around midnight, I'd taken 7 advil and felt awful. My husband was still up and I told him I was cramping pretty badly. I sat up with him hoping it would go away. It just got worse. I was so glad we had come home and I wasn't stuck in a hotel room far from home!

At 1am we called the on-call doctor who told me to take aleve instead and to drink a glass of wine, since apparently wine helps stop uterine contractions. I was nauseous from the pain and didn't think I could get a glass down but said I would try. I told her I wanted the D&C. I was in so much pain that all I could think about was making it stop, and I was willing (at that point) to take the risk of the surgery to have it over with. She told me not to eat or drink anything and to call first thing in the morning to come in.

I choked down half a glass of wine, some aleve, and took a hot bath, hoping it would help. It didn't. At some point I let my husband go to sleep because there was nothing he could do for me, and I figured he'd need to be alert for the morning. I felt like I had to have a bowel movement, and I felt that sitting on the toilet sometimes made things feel better. I also felt the instinctual need to push and found myself pushing for a while, with nothing coming out. There was no blood, still only spotting.

At one point, the pain was so bad I was ready to wake my husband up to take me to the ER so I could demand pain medication. I took more aleve before I was supposed to hoping that would help. Finally, around 4:30am, 6 hours after the cramps started, they subsided. I laid down in bed and dozed until around 8am.

I got up and decided to shower. During my shower I had more mild cramping. As I was toweling off, I suddenly passed a large clot, about the size of an orange. It was so huge! I was amazed. I passed another smaller clot while I was standing there staring at the big one.

I went to the toilet to clean up and tried to keep the ever-curious cat away from the clot in the tub (he loves to drink out of the faucet when we're done showering!!). I still wasn't bleeding much, just spotting. I inspected the clot but didn't see much. It was dark red, and like a mixture of jello and pudding. I was amazed by it. I actually regret not waking my husband up so he could look at it. I was also disappointed that 6 hours of painful cramping only brought out one decent-sized clot. I was worried there would be more cramping.

We went to the doctor's office and I had another ultrasound. The tech said my uterus looked much improved and the yolk sac was gone, but there was still a bit that needed to come out. I went back to wait in the waiting room and one of the other midwives came out to tell me that I wouldn't be having the D&C today but that I should come back at 1pm to meet with the ob/gyn. I was disappointed.

We came back at 1pm. The ob/gyn was very nice. She told me that she didn't recommend a D&C for me, but she did recommend the induction drug, cytotek, to help me complete the miscarriage. I told her that as long as she gave me some good painkillers, I was fine with that. I'd actually taken that day and the next day off work because of the wedding. She said I could take one dose of cytotek vaginally that night and that I'd probably sleep through everything. She said to use sheets and pajamas that we wouldn't mind throwing out. She echoed all my fears about a D&C and said she had a 100% effective rate for cytotek with completing miscarriages. I felt much better after meeting with her.

We left and my husband filled my prescriptions for cytotek, hydrocodone and an anti-nausea medication. He also picked up super huge pads and tampons. I was feeling emotionally much better -- I felt like the worst of it was over now and hoped that the cytotek would do its job and I wouldn't need a D&C.

That night we put down some towels to protect the mattress and I took the painkiller and anti-nausea med, and then a half hour later I inserted the cytotek and went to bed. It was hard to sleep because I kept wondering if I was bleeding yet. I got up 5 hours after inserting the cytotek and removed the tampon. I wasn't bleeding, just spotting still. I went back to bed. When we got up, I did pass a very small clot when I used the bathroom, but I was still just spotting. The doctor called (on her day off) to check on me. I told her I hadn't bled and she thought maybe I'd passed most of it already and that my body was absorbing the rest. She said that I could take the second dose of cytotek she'd given me, that it couldn't hurt, and I should come in first thing the next morning. So, my husband stayed home with me and I spent the day napping on and off (the painkiller made me so sleepy!). I passed a little bit more clotty material, but nothing much.

The next morning the doctor did another ultrasound (we're up to 5 ultrasounds in 3 weeks here!) and saw that there was just a small spot of blood left to come out, but she said that my uterus looked great compared to just a week ago. She said my cervix was closed and that she just wanted to leave me alone at this point. The nurse took more blood to check my hsg levels and the doctor said she'd call later to let me know when to come in for my next beta.

Today, October 30th, is my 2nd blood/spotting-free day, and it's been exactly 3 weeks since my first gush of blood. My temperature dropped the other day, which makes me really happy. I hope my cycle will regulate itself soon. Emotionally I feel much better, but I know that if someone unknowingly made a comment about my husband and I starting a family, I'd probably lose it.

Throughout this process, I found that the worst part was waiting. I also wish I'd had some heavy duty painkillers for the cramping, but I'm glad I avoided a D&C. A miscarriage is a natural bodily function, and as scary as it is, your body knows what to do. If this happened to me again, I would probably opt for the cytotek, because the waiting drained me emotionally. I was so sick of being sad and miserable and scared. Now that it's over, I feel so much better.

Hugs to all the ladies of this forum


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## mommy-X-2

Thank you for this thread. This has been a very emotional thing for me. I had a previous miscarrage in Feb. Nver tested positive its just one of those things where I knew what was going on. Because I never tested I think it made it easier in my mind...I didnt have to deal with telling everyone what had happened and I could in my mind pretend that it didnt. This time was different.
Dh and I went on a cruise the whole time he kept telling me that I was pregnant. I kept insisting that I wasnt. When we got home I took a test 4 days before AF was suppose to show and it was positive. I couldnt believe it. So we bought degital tests, took one that night and again the next morning....both pregnant. For insurance reasons I had to take a doctor pg test. Of course it was positive. Please dont think of me as a bad mother when I tell you this next part but at first I wasnt excited. In my mind I was more scared about how we were going to afford another baby and how I was going to care for a toddler and a new born. I finally told Dh how I was feeling and we talked everything out. I became very excited and even started picking out names. Then on Monday I started spotting. It was brown and very light with minimal cramping...almost felt like constipation. I called my OB nurse and she said it was more than likely implantation spoting because I was only 5 weeks and if it became red and heavy to call and come in. So I rested most of the day even though the bleeding was red it wasnt heavy.....I still knew what was happening. That night it became very heavy and very painful so we went to the ER. After several hours of waiting around they did blood work. The doctor came in and was a total ass....he told me that the baby was only this big (drawing a small circle on the paper) and there really isnt abything we can do for you. We will wait and see what the blood work shows and then we can do an pelvic exam if you want. So an hour later he comes in and says you arent even pregnant the test was negitive. So you are just having a painful period. yesterday I called my OB nurse she said that what happened was because we tested so early it picked it up and I was pregnant but then the pregnancy failed to implant and I was mc. I had very heavy bleeding passing small clumps everytime I went to the bathroom and wiped. Im still bleeding though its more like AF now. I feel so empty. Even though this pg wasnt planned and I was scared at first it was still my child that I lost. Dh wants to start trying again right away So hopefully things will go better this next time.


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## Gaby

_Hey guys my name is Gaby and im new to this site







...First of all i wanted to say that im really sorry you guys have gone thru these bad experiences.....I have myself ...had 2 m/c one of them was back in Jan 6th of 2006 and the other one was on May i think of the same year







......now i found out that im pregnant with my 3 pregnancy....and as you all know that can be 100% scary ......well it all started when me and my husband decide to have kids....we tried for about 9 months and nothing..until one day i decided to get to the bottom of this...so i scheduled an appt with my obgyn and we got to the conclusion that i had a condition called PCOS...wich is a polysistic ovariam syndrome...but mine was a mild one.......What this condition does is that you dont frequently get your presiods...at least every moth and you lack of ovulation...and thats the reason why you cant get pregnant easily....ALtho is not impossible to get pregnant is harder to.....Anyways he put me on a drug called metphormin for a period of time and gave me medication to bring up my period ....SO when the time came he told me it was the time for me to try again







so we did he gave me another drug called Clomid that helps u ovulate and help u get prgnant ....so i did there it was i got pregnant on the spot.....but soon after i found out i was pregnant wich was around 6 weeks i started having mild cramps and having a brown discharge....then i went for my first sonogram at 7 weeks and there it was i saw a heart beat ....Soon after that i went back to the doctor to do another ultrasound and he couldnt see the heart beat but he though the baby has moved ...So he told me to wait up for the weekend and get another one that monday....cause his machine was too old...so i did i waited ..now that saturday night my cramps started to get worse







: and i called the doctor and he told me that as long as im not bleeding and as long i can take the cramping i should not go to the ER.....so well i waited till monday morning...

So i went to the clinic and had an ultrasound...the lady seem concern and didnt talk much....so i asked her and she said that wasnt her place to give me a diagnose that was the doctors job..she was very cold about it..so thank go my doctors office was right upstair...so i went to see him 10 mins later.....while i waited for him to see me..i started bleadin heavy like my body knew it was time...so i went to the bathroom and there it was passing clot..was horrible...then when the doctor saw he confirmed that baby has died at 81/2 weeks and that i was suppose to be 10.....so i went and got a d/c inmidietly i was soo scared but soon after that i was soo glad that it was over.....

Well the doctor told me to wait at least one regular period or 2...but of course i only waited one ...so i got pregnant again with the clomid the same fertility pill i took on my last pregnancy...But this time was different i took progesterone oral....so everything was good until i went for my first ultrasound they couold find a heart beat so i went back for another one 2 days later and they saw something but it was at 126 at 8 weeks i think...they looked very concern and doubting that the pregnany was going to be normal...so i waited and got another ultrasound a week or 2 later and my surprise was what i was expecting no hear beat!....so i kind of knew i had no cramps or bleading at all on this one so i had the feeling that was gonna be another misscarriage but the fact that i was bleeding or cramping didnt make it worst...so i scheduled anothe appt for a d/c the same day







...

After those 2 experiences you know i was a mess and decide that this time i would wait to get pregnant again...! So i did i waited about 4 ot 5 months before i became pregnant for the 3th time...

I am now pregnant 11 weeks doing different things like taking hte progesteron vaginaly and a baby aspirin every day....i went for the first ultrasound at 5 weeks and we saw an empty sac....no baby! the doctor told me not to worry that it was probably too ealry to see the baby anyways...so iwaited about a week for my second ultrasoun wich showed a lil peanut and a heart beat but since the doctors machine was too old he couldnt tell if it was my pulse or the baby's heart beat....so i went tot he women hospital to get a sonogram with better machines.....At 7 weeks we went and guess was we say the baby and a heart beat was the most amazing thing the heart beat was at 121 wich the tech told me was very normal ....so evrything looked good......I went for another ultraosun at 9 weeks and the baby was still there the heart beat was at 171 and we heard it !!! the baby moved for us and my doctor said everthing was perfect.......then i went for another one on 11/13/06 and the baby was about 10.6 weeks and ws bigger and moving around the heart beat was at 151 ...she was glad to see that everything is progressing liek it should.....! sooo so far so good girls! im about 11.2 weeks and scare as hell but happy at the same time...im gonna be off the progesterone on friday and ill be 12 weeks next tuesday...GIRLS never made it this far and im soo happy....So for the girls out there is still a hope i know its hard when you have been thru soo much...and believe it or not having 2 misscarriages its the worst thing ever happened to me....and im working on this new pregnancy trying not to stress out too much....but sometimes i cant help it..and im hoping and praying to god that this will be the good one....But i do also understand that if its not meant to be for me to be a mother...i will accept it...and consider adoption at one point...cause nothing will make me happier than knowing that im doing something good for a human being that needs a home....

XOXO
Gaby







_


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## starevan

Hi I am very sorry for all your losses. I think I am miscarrying now I ahve had bw to confirm I am pregnant. I am 4wk 3 days. I started spotting last night it was just pink and today I have been crampy and bleeding..... It is red and no clots but My mw told me to wait until monday and we will do more bw. Do you think that I am miscarrying?


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## emmabella

*The Beginning*

In the evening of November 13th (in my 9th week of pregnancy) I noticed some brownish spotting in my underwear. I hadn't had any cramping but noticed some diarrhea-ish symptoms. I called my midwife and she encouraged me that it might be nothing and it was up to me if I wanted to have an ultrasound or not.

*The Discovery*

The next morning I was still having some spotting but no cramping. I decided that I did want to know what was going on. At my work we offer limited ultrasound so I went in and had a basic scan done. My husband was with me. She couldn't see anything resembling a baby but there was a sac and something inside it. She told us we should go get a full ultrasound done as her experience was fairly limited.

We called our midwife and she referred us to a local imaging center that could get us in right away. Again, we saw a sac with no baby. Having seen an 8 week ultrasound with my son, I knew right away that it was over. The tech said she couldn't say anything but she promised I wouldn't leave without knowing for sure. She came back and said my midwife was on the phone. The midwife said that the baby had died at about 4 or 5 weeks and the amniotic sac and yolk sac both looked deflated. She was very encouraging and told me that she had had eight miscarriages. I told her that I just wanted to wait for the baby to come on it's own and she was very supportive.

After that we went and sat in the car for a while and just talked and cried. I had him call our parents to share the news because I didn't feel strong enough to do it. There was just this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and guilt inside of me.

*The Birth*

I had trouble sleeping that night, wondering when it would happen and what it would feel like. On November 15th I woke up with cramping and mild spotting of red blood, I knew it was going to happen that day. Justin had gone to work so I decided to stay the day at my inlaws house where they could watch my 18 month old while I rested. I had fairly mild menstrual-like cramps throughout the day. By the time my husband left work I decided to go home and arrived at about 4pm. The contractions started up almost right away. It was just like labor&#8230; starting out slow and building up in pain and frequency. I had to do my breathing while Justin pressed on my sacrum. I cried through every contraction and vocalized because it felt better to let it out. The bleeding wasn't as much as I thought it was going to be, it was never any worse than a heavy period.

At some point I decided I wanted to get in the shower. The water made me feel so much better and I felt like I could handle the contractions again. As soon as I got in I felt something between my legs and reached down to check. Part of the placenta was in my vagina and I pulled it out. It was very similar to my son's full grown placenta: one side was smooth (fetal side) and the other was a bunch of small grayish fingers where it must have been attached to me.

I knew it was only a piece of it though and started bawling asking God to please just let the rest come. The pain changed from severe cramping contractions to pain and pressure in my cervix, although I still felt the contractions coming. Eventually things started to slow down and I got out of the shower. I had Justin put some towels down on the bed and just laid there for a while. Almost immediately I started to feel all the pain and cramping ease away.

I felt confused knowing that there was still more to come out but not feeling the pain anymore. I felt inside and could tell there was something stuck inside my cervix. I had Justin get a flash light and pull it out. I laid it all out on a plastic bag and could tell that it was mostly complete. All together it was about the size of my palm (including fingers) and was in three pieces. I could tell which part was the sac, it was a lot smaller than I thought it would be, about the size of a half dollar and very firm and meaty. I decided I wanted to cut it open, it was thick and very tough to cut through. There wasn't anything inside, although I think I could discern the remains of the yolk sac. I cried as I looked through it with my bare hands. Justin wanted me to stop but it felt good to explore it and understand it. I had him put it in the freezer so we could bury it later.

Altogether I think the hard part of the miscarriage only lasted about three hours, the worst only one hour. I think I passed most of the baby by 7:45pm. I had a very hard time falling asleep that night, my mind was just preoccupied. I felt so much better physically, back to the mild cramping and bleeding. I did have a mild fever (100.5) but I think it was mostly from being in the hot shower for a while and it went down to normal within an hour.

*The Recovery*

The cramping was mostly gone by the second day after and the bleeding was no more than a normal period but more of a bright red color. The day after, I went out to do some errands and felt a lot of aching in my vagina/cervix. It was only when I was walking or standing though and wasn't a sharp pain. It took about two weeks for the bleeding to come to a complete stop; I passed two small clots (the size of a quarter) at 2 days and 4 days after.

The empty feeling inside me is very real, although I do feel very peaceful. The hardest part is realizing how much I really did want this baby even though at the beginning I had wished for a miscarriage. There is a lot of guilt, I feel sometimes as if I wished it into happening. My husband is very quiet and I can tell he is devastated but dealing with it in his own way. We are planning on burying our baby in the back yard sometime soon, for me I just couldn't handle flushing or trashing this precious life even if he or she did die very early on.

We learned a lot from this experience and won't be trying again until both of us feel very excited and ready for a baby. I feel like I am a stronger woman and a better mother now.

*Photos*

I hope this story helps women who may be miscarrying understand both the physical and emotional parts of the process. Because I feel it could be a benefit to some woman I am going to post links to pictures I took of the pieces of the placenta/sac that came out of me. _Be forewarned: these are very large, graphic photos._ Since my baby passed away so early you will not see a recognizable fetus in these pictures, only the placenta and the gestational sac.

http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e1...6/allparts.jpg
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e1...eNOV06/sac.jpg


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## Mamato2

I started spotting last week on Monday, pink which turned to red. On Wednesday I woke up and knew that something was different. My symptoms were gone and I just knew that there was "nothing there". Most people I told thought I was being pessimistic or negative, but I didn't feel negative at all, I just knew. I feel like I did most of my grieving that night. On Friday I finally got to have an ultrasound and it confirmed a sac about 6 wks along with no visible fetal pole or anything. I was pretty sure I must have had a blighted ovum or something because my symptoms had been so much milder than usual. And honestly I was somewhat relieved knowing I had to miscarry but there was no actual baby. Made it somewhat easier.

I decided to wait to miscarry naturally which both my midwife and GP supported. All weekend I felt like my body was preparing itself. I had cervical twinges and some achiness in my abdomen. On Monday morning (thank goodness my dh had stayed home from work due to weather) the cramping and flow started. It was a constant flow into the toilet for about 2 hrs. The part that scared me the most was a period of lightheadedness and nausea when I thought I was going to pass out. What a horrible feeling. I freaked out a bit then and got my husband to call the dr and midwife. I was warning him that if I became unresponsive and passed out he would have to call 911. Luckily it passed and then the clots began to come. Once the clots started to come the cramps changed to feel more like mini contractions and I had cervical pain with each one. By then I was trying to lay down in bed for a bit but then the pain would come and I know I needed to let more out. That continued until about 2:30 and then the cramps subsided and I was able to rest and nap for a bit. They subsided until about 11:30 P.M when I got crampy again and passed a couple more clots. I checked out some clots and the biggest were about half the size of my palm. I never saw a noticeable sac but it probably would have been really small.

Since then (two days) I still have achiness, especially when standing for too long. I was also lightheaded off and on. I'm not sure if the achiness means there is more to come or not. I will go into the dr's later this week to get checked out and maybe have another ultrasound. Once my cycle returns I plan to get some hormone testing done.

This was an experience I hope to never have to go through again and my heart aches for those who go through this multiple times. I hope you know how strong and brave you are on your mothering journey









I'm so glad this thread is here because it's really hard to find info on what to expect and it is still a hush hush subject in so many ways. The honesty is so helpful.


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## KlutzyGirl

The following depicts my very quick, and extremely intense and painful miscarriage at 10 weeks, 2 days.

Sunday night before bed: One large cramp that seemed different than any other cramping I had during my 10 week pregnancy. Later that night I had some cramping that woke me up, but I was able to get back to sleep.

Monday 7am: Woke up with one large cramp, went to the bathroom and passed some small clots and found brown spots on my undies.

10am: Called midwife who said it may or may not be a miscarriage because at this time there was no bright red blood.

12pm: had been having on and off mild cramping.

1pm: I left work. Had a small clot and a small stream of blood in the toilet, but went on one errand with my husband (I think I was in denial) and I was out of it the entire errand. I was having pretty bad period-like cramping.

2:30pm: Got home and couldn't wait to get undressed and put on a pair of comfy sweat pants and a t-shirt. Cramping got more intense with each 1/2 hour passing.

4pm: I sware I went into true, hard labor. It was unbelievable. I would get this clenching feeling low in my abdomen that radiated to my lower back. At first I would get breaks up to a minute. I found that a kneeding-like, kinda-poking as opposed to rubbing, my back really helped counteract the intensity. Also, I got into the shower hoping hot water would help. It did for awhile, but I ran out of hot water after 1/2 an hour.

5pm: I got completely nauseated and began dry-heaving and then throwing up (only water as I hadn't eaten since breakfast). I found sitting on the toilet was good because I felt like pushing a lot and went to the bathroom numerous times, and passed a fleshy clot that was about 1 inch X 1/2 an inch, then a small stream of blood flowed, and small streams of blood would flow intermintently from then on. I felt better for about five minutes before the intense cramp clenched my abdomen and radiated to my lower back again. It was constant and I wanted to be alone in my room with no lights on. I crawled around on the floor a lot looking for any position that was comfortable (I didn't like the soft bed); my only goal at any given moment was to simply find some position that was comfortable. I also had to keep moving, laying still was the absolute worse, and I was moaning very loudly from the PAIN.

8pm: I was no longer getting even a thirty second rest anymore (I was getting usually a 30 sec rest about every 10 - 20 minutes, and it was glorious for even that short time as it allowed me to regain control and cope). I also would get nauseated and throw up or dry heave from time to time. I didn't want my mind to prevent me from progressing in the miscarriage so I kept saying over and over, "Open and flow." I just wanted to pass the sac, or whatever was inside. My husband would come upstairs to check on me, sometimes I would tell him to leave (he was really scared and therefore not helping me) and sometimes I would ask him to massage my back.

10pm: I realized I simply could not cope anymore. This was the worst pain I had ever been in; the horrible, most painful and intense cramping had not let up for a second in over two hours and I did not want to go on all night like that. I kept thinking that I couldn't cope, I have no support, I don't know how long this is gonna take... what if the pain stays all night? I called down to my husband and told him I can't do it anymore. He said he was scared and had wanted to go to the hospital long ago, but told me when he called the midwife (I had spoken to her several times and she said some women have a really intense miscarriage and it is normal, but assured me real labor would not be like this -as in no break) she said we did not have to go to the hospital unless there was a lot of bleeding (there was not too much).

11PM: Arrived at the ER and I was in so much pain. I hated the bright lights and covered my face while I basically rithed in pain on a chair in the waiting room and tried not to make too much noise. My husband later told me a woman complained to the front desk attendant to hurry up and get me looked at because I seemed to be in enourmous pain, and it was causing her daughter to cry.

I kinda lost track of time after that (they're approximate anyway) but they did put me in a triage "room" and a mean nurse came in and asked what was going on. Mostly my husband spoke, but she wanted me to answer so I told her I was having a miscarriage and was in a lot of pain (I had been having intense pain for over six hours by this point) and had tried to naturally miscarry at home but couldn't take the pain anymore. She asked me why on earth I would do it at home (I didn't realize until later that most people go to the hospital to miscarry, I assumed most stayed at home). Then I told her I just wanted to get the miscarriage over with, which prompted her to ask me if this was a wanted pregnancy. I said, "yes," then she wanted to know my ob and I told her I wasn't seeing one, then she said she needed to get some straight answers from me (You'd think she was about to call the cops on suspicion my DH hitting my in the stomache with a bat to miscarry or something). Thank God she left after that and another nurse came in and got me to pee in a cup.

Probably around 1am: the doctor did a pelvic exam and then looked inside and said there was a good size clot he could pull out so he opened me up with the plastic thing and used forceps to pull out a good 3/4 cup of tissue and clots, I looked at it. He said it was very large for 10 weeks and to come out all at once. As soon as he took out that thing I felt instantly better and my husband told me he could tell instantly, "I was back." And I was, I had gone to another place, I was practically animalistic from the pain (I am usually quite a reserved woman).

They did an ultrasound on the abdomen and vaginally. They took blood. Then some quack doctor (not the same wonderful man that treated me) came in at almost 3am to tell me the results: that I _may have_ had a miscarriage; that, or this may be an early pregnancy. Ok, whatever quack. My midwife and I did get a laugh about that diagnosis Tuesday morning. We left before waiting for the HCG results, we should have left after the doctor took out the flesh clot, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind, plus I had a small hope that maybe I was just losing a twin, so ok'ed the ultrasound.

Tuesday I stayed home from work (maybe the third time in seven years I've taken off work) because I felt like a weak, fragile kitten. I took about 5 Advil throughout the day, not because I really had to, but because any cramping made me terrified it would intensify the way it had the day before and I just wanted the peace of no cramps to alleve the fear.

Emotionally, I am just ok. I am more traumatized by the physical aspect of it all. On the other hand I am in awe over my body's efficiency. I read that it takes a lot of women sometimes weeks to pass the flesh and clots. I guess that is why the cramping (my midwife called them contractions but I hate that word associated with what happened to me) was so bad, because my body wanted to pass it all at once (which I think would have happened as it was right there for the doctor to pull out). I am greatful that I did not miscarry on Christmas or my vacation in two weeks (would not want to think about dealing with that at a hotel or going to a hospital in a third world country). I am also greatful it is over, except for bleeding which is mild.

I never had any idea a miscarriage was so awful in the physical aspect this early in pregnancy, I thought the difficulty was the emotional part, so I am also having to deal with this unexpected side of miscarriage. It is not like a bad period as I had imagined it would be. It is tramautic in a way I cannot even describe, but I do know I feel empty today, like a shell.

Thank you for reading my story.

Update: It is now one week and one day since I began miscarrying. I had to update because as it turns out I did not complete my miscarriage last Monday. Wednesday I was mildly crampy on and off, but nothing alarming. I cannot remember if I was still popping Advil (something very out of character; I am sure I took more Advil during my miscarriage than ever in my life) or not.

Around 9pm Wednesday evening I was kneeling by my coffee table when I felt something slide out of me and plop on my pad. I got up and ran to the bathroom and found a roundish clump of dark flesh (not blood clots at all) about the size of a large plum. I screamed and my husband ran in and was grossed out and walked out of view and told me to just flush it down the toilet that it was probably just more of the afterbirth, or whatever. I got very emotional, partly because I thought this was over two days ago and partly because I thought this was my baby. I cried for several minutes in my husbands arms with him shooshing me. I went in the bathroom and inspected what came out of me; it was warm, soft, and there were two very light colored vein-type things that were symmetrical on it. I wrapped it in tissue and put it in the trash can.

Thursday came and I was still spotting and letting out trivial amounts of blood when urinating. I was also mildly cramping on and off. A little after 2pm, I get a call from my OB's office (I see her for yearly exams and gave her name at the ER because they really wanted a doctor's name as my caregiver). The nurse tells me that the results on the flesh taken out at the hospital were only fleshy materials (she gave a long descrption, but flesh was pretty much the only word I understood) and there were no fetal parts at all. She wanted me to come in for a D & C. I told her I thought I passed the fetus last night and she asked me if I saved it. I said that I had it in tissue in the trash and could retrieve it as it was the bathroom trash can. She told me to call the next morning for an appointment with the doctor.

I dreaded the appointment all night and the next morning. And then realized I was not going to call the doctor for the appointment. I did not want another ultrasound -if they couldn't find the left-over sac at the ER after a good 45 minutes getting various ultrasounds, then why should I think they could see anything if it was left now?

It is now the following Tuesday and after Wednesday evening I have not passed any clots, flesh, or anything other than old blood on a pantyliner.

The emotional aspect is starting to pick up and I am doing my own private greiving. I do want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, but for right now I do not get excited seeing little babies or very pregnant women, instead it makes me sad.


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## Nettie

I'm finally feel emotionally ready to post this.

In November I miscarried naturally at exactly 11 weeks.

At 10w1d, I had some pink spotting out of the blue. The next day I had a routine appt with my MW, so I mentioned it to her and she did an u/s to check on the baby. She couldn't find a heartbeat nor movement, and estimated that the baby had died at around 8 weeks. She works in an OB practice, so protocol dictated that an OB come in to talk to me about what to do next. He pushed a d&c, but I refused. He said some things about how bad natural m/c would be and how I may end up getting a d&c in the end anyway, but I still refused. He left the room and I got to speak with my MW alone. She told me she fully supported my waiting to m/c naturally, that it would be what she would do too. She told me it would probably go just fine...but she warned me that it was going to hurt and would feel a lot like labor. She told me what to watch out for and what would warrant a call to her.

I continued some very sporadic spotting for the next couple of days, and all in all it took 5 days of waiting for the miscarriage to start. During this time, I came here and found this thread. I can't even begin to express how much I needed to read the stories in this thread! What a wonderful resource of information AND encouragement it was. I read every single story over the course of those 5 days of waiting, and I felt confident of my body's ability to handle the m/c when it finally happened. Finally, on the day I would've been 11 weeks pregnant, it began. This is the story as I wrote it the night after it all happened.

I'd experienced spotting all weekend, and it turned to light bleeding by bedtime last night, with mild cramping. I went to bed around midnight and slept well.

I was awakened this morning at 6:30am by strong rhythmic cramping. It intensified quickly, and by 7am, I was clearly having contractions. They came on top of each other for about 15 minutes, during which time I got up, and somehow managed to wash my face and brush my teeth. While brushing my teeth, I felt a distinct pop and an instant gush of blood and fluid. The pop and gush felt exactly the same as when my water broke with DS nearly 3 years ago (except that it didn't flood the house







). I finished brushing and then walked carefully and woke DH up to ask for his help. More gushing. I knew that the process had officially begun.

I initially tried to handle it out in the main part of the house, since DH hadn't awakened yet. But that soon proved to be too messy, so I moved into the bathroom. I began passing HUGE clumps of tissue along with more blood than I imagined possible. The blood was pouring into the toilet and sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn't. Several of the clots were 5 inches long by 2 inches wide, although most of them were about half that size. They had the consistency of jello and the appearance of raw liver. The contractions that preceded these clumps were incredibly intense and wouldn't let up until the tissue passed. Then there'd be a pause, followed by more contractions until the next round of tissue and blood began descending. (This is the part that, had I not had this thread to read beforehand, I would've been terrified that I was bleeding to death...I would've definitely gone to the ER had I not read all the stories here and found that it's normal and is totally what to expect with a natural m/c.)

Around 8am, I decided to get into the shower to clean some of the blood away. While in there, the contractions picked up significantly. Just like my MW had warned me, they felt exactly like the contractions from my labor with DS&#8230;the only difference was they were concentrated down around my pubic bone because my uterus was much smaller-but it was just as painful as middle stage labor. I felt my cervix dilating just like I did all during labor with DS, along with all the pressure and discomfort that accompanies the dilation. I was amazed that it was so similar.

For the next two hours, I stayed in the bathtub, alternating standing under the shower (during the let-up times) and crouching down on the tub floor on my knees and elbows (during the contractions and during the passing of tissue/clots). The contractions would hit for a few minutes at a time, during which time I'd hit the floor. They'd end with the passing of clots and blood galore, and then I'd stand up and let the shower wash all the blood away from my legs and from the tub. I'd stand there resting, until the contractions hit again. This cycle repeated over & over for those two hours in the tub. It was intense and raw.

Toward the end of the two hours, I spent most of the time crouched down on knees and elbows, as the contractions and expellations became constant and this was the only way I could manage them. I just stared at the tub floor and tried my hardest to make it through. I breathed, cried, and rocked back and forth to try and coax everything down through my cervix. I prayed for strength, protection, and for it to end soon. I kept telling myself that the process of miscarriage was engineered by God, just as a live full-term birth is, and I kept reminding myself to trust in the process he'd set up. It's efficient, natural, and relatively safe for most women, and I kept telling myself I'd get through it just fine, just like I got through labor just fine 3 years ago without any intervention. I thought of all the millions of women throughout history who've miscarried, and I felt at one with every one of them&#8230;no doubt most of them got through it in the same way I was getting through it, and it actually felt somewhat empowering to feel the connection.

DH had been coming in to check on me at intervals. He was busy getting DS's breakfast and then later, keeping him out of the bathroom. He came in at one point and told me it was 10am. My knees were hurting from kneeling on the hard floor of the tub, and I had the bright idea that I could get DS's potty seat and sit on it. That way I could sit, but still be elevated so that everything could come out, yet still be under the hot water. I sat on that for about 20 minutes, enduring intense contractions like before, but at least my knees didn't hurt anymore.

Then, at around 10:20, the contractions let up significantly. After a few minutes, I asked DH to bring me some cereal because I knew I should eat while there was finally a break. I was feeling a little weak and I was afraid this may be my only chance to eat before it all started back up again. I ate my cereal in relative peace, and started to wonder what happened to all the contractions, but I kept sitting there on the seat for a while.

At 10:40, I suddenly felt a strange fullness and pressure at the top of my cervix. It didn't really hurt at all. I instinctively gave a little push to test it, and it moved downward. Suddenly it felt HUGE inside my birth canal&#8230;it felt almost exactly like DS did whenever he began descending, just not quite as huge as his big head (it's amazing how I instantly remembered all those sensations!). I knew this had to be the sac/placenta, because it felt very solid and round compared to the jello-like consistency of the clots I'd been passing. I pushed again and felt it falling down, and then it came right to the opening and was sort of stuck. I could feel the stretching and was careful not to push too hard for fear of tearing something. I just let it come out on its own. In a few seconds, it slipped out of me and hit the bowl of the potty seat. I called for DH.

He came to me, and I stood up to see it. It was a ball of tissue, a little bigger than my fist in size. It was the sac, complete with the placenta surrounding it. We both realized what it was, and that's when I completely lost it. I collapsed in sobs. I totally didn't expect to feel the emotions that I felt at that moment, but I was hit with such grief, regret, sadness, guilt, and loss that I couldn't even begin to contain it. I was also feeling such relief that it was over and that I had made it through all the pain and fear. From the moment I'd awakened this morning with cramping, till the moment it passed, was just over 4 hours.

After I'd cried for a long, long time, I got as cleaned up as possible. The bleeding had tapered off immediately after the placenta/sac has passed (it slowed to what would be a normal heavy menstrual flow). There was no more pain either; just the equivalent of regular menstrual cramps was left over.

After I came out, we took the placenta to the kitchen sink and looked it over. We peeled back the placenta to reveal the gestational sac, which was clear and filled with fluid. I gasped when I saw the baby, the actual fetus floating in the fluid. It was white, and when it bumped up against the wall of the sac, I could see its eyes-little black dots.

DH used a knife to cut a slit in the sac. The fluid spilled out, and I opened it up and there was our baby, right before our eyes. It looked just like all the pictures you see of developing fetuses. It was about an inch long, with a huge elongated head, little black eyes, nostril indentations, a mouth, ear buds, and with tiny little hands and webbed fingers. I couldn't make out feet, but inside the abdomen we could see dark shadows of organs inside. It was breathtaking, heartbreaking, and awe-inspiring all at the same time. Never in my life would I have imagined it to be that perfect-looking. I couldn't help but wonder what in the world went wrong. *sigh*

I held our baby for probably 20 minutes, intermittently staring at it in awe, and bawling. Then we both kissed it and then we put it in a ziploc bag and into the refrigerator. Later, when we can figure out exactly how we want to do it, we're going to bury it here somewhere.

All day long I've been so proud of my body for how well it handled what had to be done. We have amazing bodies that are so equipped and efficient at what they were created to do! I'm so glad I didn't get the D&C or take anything to interfere with my body's natural process. It happened at the right time, and in the right way. And in letting it do so, I got to peek at a miracle. I got to actually hold in my hand the tiny little creature that was formed inside of me during the weeks before whatever went wrong, went wrong.

After that day, I didn't have any more cramping, but I bled like a regular period for about 4 more days. Then it lightened up and became spotting. The spotting went on until almost exactly 2 weeks after the m/c, and during this time, I had serious hormone crashes-hot flashes, migraines, dizziness, and overall feeling like crap. But it ended within that first 2 weeks, right about the time the spotting ended. I didn't ovulate that cycle. My period returned exactly 28 days after the m/c began, and it looks like I've just ovulated as usual, so I'm hoping I'm back on track now.

Thank you for reading. I hope that it can help someone in the way that many of these posts helped me.


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## jessitron

This thread helped me, so I should add my story.

I found out at 14w that the baby had died some time after 9w. The ultrasound showed a sad little bean, unmoving, with no heartbeat. The fetus (embryo?) measured 8.5-9w. There was no cramping or spotting to indicate a problem before that.

I really wanted everything to happen naturally. I tried some herbal and homeopathic remedies to encourage this. I worked on saying goodbye to the baby and letting go mentally and emotionally. Still, not a cramp that couldn't be attributed to gas. Not a spot of blood.

Three weeks later, I had a d&c for the missed miscarriage. It was an outpatient surgery. The procedure itself was not a big deal. They used Versed for anesthesia. This doesn't put you completely out, but does make sure you remember nothing. Once the drug went into my IV, I felt loopy. I remember rolling to the operating room and putting my feet in the stirrups. Next, I woke up in recovery.
The doctor dilated my cervix with some rods, and sucked and scraped out the "pregnancy tissues." He sent them to pathology, where they were tested for signs of infection and molar pregnancy. Since this is my first miscarriage, no genetic tests were done to look for a cause.

In recovery, I felt strong enough to go home after about an hour. My husband talked with me during that period. The doctor told him after the surgery that the baby was strongly attached to my uterus still, not ready to fall out. After chatting and munching on crackers, I dressed and went to the bathroom. My husband fetched the car while a volunteer pushed me down to the lobby in a wheelchair. I went home and straight to bed.

The doctor said I could go to work the next day, but I didn't feel well enough. I went out to dinner the following day, and that was too much. I had a bit of bleeding there, a mini pad's worth. For the next few days I had pinchy feelings with too much activity. Laying down fixed it. A couple times I laid down under my desk at work. It was a full week before I felt totally recovered.

Mentally the recovery was slow, also about a week. The d&c, on principal, was traumatic to me. Every hug from a friend helped me feel better. Now, three weeks later, I'm back to my usual chipper self.

My advice to people getting a D&C:

Make sure they're using gentle anesthesia! You don't need general. That's a harder recovery.

Unless something special happens, you don't need drugs to contract your uterus or antibiotics. Those make recovery harder, too.

Have people around for a few days who can keep your toddler from jumping on your abdomen.

Get lots of hugs!


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## prayin_4_baby

It's very hard reading your experiences, but comforting to know this may actually help someone who is going through this.

On Jan. 5th, 2006 I went to the dr for a routine visit. I remember it all like it was just hours ago. This was my husband's first visit with me and I was excited we would get to hear the heartbeat together. I was eleven weeks. The dr asked if I had any complaints and I didn't I felt great. So asked me to lay down and rubbed over my belly and said my uterus felt good. She put the little heart monitor over my belly and started pushing around. She said "this little turkey doesn't want to perform today, let's do an ultrasound, I am sure everything is ok." I had to go out to the waiting room and was SO EXCITED, not an ounce of worry, was so excited my husband would get to see the baby. Well, we sat and sat and my dr came out and said the tech would be with us soon they were having some "complications with another patient" and then it hit me--- what if something was wrong with my baby. I sat there and started to sob. The lady that was having complications came out. She had her little preg belly and was holding it sobbing. I was SO SO scared at that point. Finally the tech called us in. She put the thing on my belly and I could see a huge black hole. I asked "where's my baby" and she said she thought they'd miscalculated so would have to do an internal u/s. She put the thing in there and started to scan around. I just knew something was wrong and started panicking and begging her to tell me where my baby was. She said she had to call the dr in. The dr came in and pointed to this little sac and said that that was the baby I said it couldn't be because just a month ago I saw it on the screen and now all I saw was a little sac. She said I'm sorry but you've miscarried. I sobbed and sobbed, my husband holding me begging me to calm down. She asked me to gather myself and then meet her in her office to discuss everything that needed to be done. She explained about the D&C and the possible complications if I let my body do it naturally. We were so nervous that we decided to have the D&C the next morning. I remember walking out of the dr office and my husband calling his mom to tell her. I had to call my boss because I was going back to work. When I said it, I couldn't believe that I was actually admitting that my baby was gone. I cried the rest of the night and the next day. I had the D&C done the next morning and really tried to pull myself together. Well, my dr requested that I allow her to do chromosome testing on the baby to see what was wrong. She sent the samples to the pathologist and on Monday I received a call from her that she thought I'd had a tubal pregnancy and she needed to see me ASAP. I went in and had to have another ultrasound. Oddly this time I could see the little baby that I'd seen on my first LIVE u/s but this time there was no movement and my uterus had shrunk down some. She said she had to do another emergency D&C that day. I went in and had it done. I have been trying to conceive and even though my levels were high and there's still no explanation for the loss of our baby, I'm still not preg.


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## SamuraiMom

I am so greatful to have found this forum... I have wanted to share my M/C stories but couldn't find the appropriate place, after reading Karennns original post introducing this thread, it was so nice to find someone who feels that same way I do, impatient and all. My first M/C was August 14, 1997. He/she was most likely a blighted ovum that I passed at home with out incident. I brought the fetus, or "product of conception" as they like to call it in the med. comm., to the hospital, handed it over to some anonymous person and never heard about it again. I was pregnant again w/in 3 months and I gave birth in hospital, to Sarah, the following July. Sam was born in 2002 in the hospital and then Rachel in 2004 at home. In October 2005 we learned we were pregnant again but this one turned out to be a blighted ovum as well, that I passed at home. This time I had my MW. I went for a rourtine check up with her at 4 months. I knew that something was not right. I felt as though something, or someone, was missing. I almost felt empty. We went for au/s and discovered what I knew to be true. I went home and 2 days later my body took care of itself. My bag litteraly popped at 10 p.m. Sunday night, my MW stayed with me for a couple of hours while my husband put the kids to bed. I labored all night with mild cramps, passing clots and waiting for the baby. At around 6 a.m. the next morning, I was exhausted, but just before my children awoke for school, I passed the "baby" and placenta all in one. Erika, my MW,came by later in the day and we took a look at him/her. It's may sound funny to say but a blighted ovum looks like a comma. The placenta was wrapped around the baby and the Umbilical cord seemed fused against the placenta as did the little tiny baby. And the baby did not resemble a baby at all, it was an empty sac. There was alot of bleeding after that so I took my florodex and prenatal pills and rested for a week or so. Seeing the little one was closure for me. One year later I became pregnant again, and so did, or rather is, my Sil, and my BF. I was due in-between them on May1rst. My Bf would have been at my birth along with my MW. Instead they were there for me when I miscarried. I went for my normal check up with Erika last tuesday and we could not find the heart-beat. I had thought that the babies movements were muffled and very low, not strong, so I was hoping that my placenta was antierior and just blocking his movement. So Erika made me a little lunch and we tried again. Nothing. She scheduled an u/s for the following morning. My husband and I went in and the tech could not find anything, and she knew right away. I really like this women, she had done my last u/s with my last m/c. I like her because, while she is a bt sensative, she is honost and she told us right away "I am not a dr., but..." and then she explained little of what she saw. No waiting around for the "official diagnosis". The dr did come in and we discussed what my options were. I would not do a D&E, I refuse to be "put out" for anything and this procedure would result in dismembering, to put it nicelly, the little baby inside of me. The other option was Mesoprostal, which some of you may know as Cytotec. No way, even though friends who are Dr.'s assured me that it was safe, it still scared me. Thank G-d and the powers that be, as with my last two m/c's, my body took care of him on it's own. The very next morning I awoke with camps. And only after my childeren left for school, did the bleeding start. My Bf, Elaine, took me for a coffee and then we sat out on my front porch enjoying the abnormally warm January air while I labored for a bit. When we went inside to wait for Erika, I headed right for the bathroom, to pee, I thought, but my body was ahead of me. Something large was making it's way through my vagina, and I could not for the life of me even guess what it could be. It seemed to soon for anything this large. It was my bag of waters, and as it bulged out of my vagina, I thought if it breaks I am in for hours of labor, and possible great blood loss. I had decided earlier that we would head for the hospital where I would at least feel safe, but did I mention that my body had other plans, thank G-d.? Erika arrived within 10 minutes and suggested I lie down to slow the blood flow if there was any. I cannot believe that I had any doubt in her faith in me! As I sat on the toilet with a colander beneath me to catch what would come out, my baby, and his placenta, slid from inside of me and into the colander in one neat package. Elaine and Erika and I looked at each other stunned. They helped me into bed, brought me OJ to drink and blankets that they warmed in my drier. I am so greatful that they were with me. As I lay in bed Erika and Elaine cleaned my baby and layed him on a blanket that I had intended for his birth. When my husband returned from the school, I gave him a moment to collect his thoughts and feelings and then we had Erika bring our baby in to us. He was tiny, so very tiny. He had made it to about 17 weeks gestation. I think he made it to 18, but he had stopped developing at 16 weeks. His color was grey, but his little tiny hands and feet were perfect, I could even see his little ankles. We took pictures and we measured him. His placenta was perfect, his cord was long. My only wish was that we could have found out why. Why he stopped developing. Its normal for me to ask myslelf, as I sit here alone, "was it the fetta cheese on that pizza? or maybe it was those three nights of poor sleep, or was it when I walked under that ladder..." None of it rational, but a week after my last visit, the last time we heard the heart beat, a wave of saddness had hit me, and I could not figure what it was. There was nothing specific going on, but I recorded it in my journal, and I am glad that I did. I am sure that in the last week of Novmeber is when my baby left me. And I think that I did all of my mourning then, because I had spent alot of time crying, and the sadness was overwhelming, but it passed within 2 weeks. Now I am sad, but I'm "counting the days" until my first menstruation, until my first visit to the Mikvah, until that first feeling of slippery fluid indicating that there is a tiny little egg waiting to be fertilized. Then I will do that 3 more times until I feel my body has rested, and then we try again. At least I intend to wait... who know what my body intends to do!
Blessings to all of you who have lost babies to miscarraige, to those of you who are waiting for your first baby to come through, my saddness is reserved for you, and so is my hope.
Samantha M, SamuraiMom.
















BTW, My son named the baby Zachary Jackson, and we were allowed to bury him in between my grandparents and Bubbie and Zaddie.


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## ksbell315

I want to share my story too. I was 9 weeks pg.

Last Friday my husband came home from work at noon because it was sleeting and the whole town was basically shutting down in preparation for an ice storm. DD went down for a nap soon after he got home, so DH and I had a little "snuggle time." About an hour after that, I started spotting. I didn't worry about it because I spotted after intercourse with my first pregnancy. I continued spotting that evening and on Saturday morning the blood was a little heavier, but it was brown, so I still wasn't too worried.

That afternoon, I noticed that my uterus felt different. I had been able to feel it at the top of my belly when I pushed down slightly. I couldn't feel that anymore. I started cramping in the afternoon too. Since it was Saturday and the roads were icy, there was nothing I could do anyway, so I just waited.

I fell asleep early that night, around 8:30. I woke up around midnight with more severe cramps and the blood had changed to red. I put on a pad and went back to bed. About 2 AM I woke up again. The cramps were so bad that I could not get back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and blood started pouring out. I started vomiting, which woke up DH. I asked him to get me a muscle relaxer to help with the pain and hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I took the pill when my stomach settled down. I checked the fresh pad that I put on about 15 minutes later and it was soaked through. I was worried about the blood loss and the fact that the pain seemed to be centered on the lower left side of my abdomen. I called the hospital and they put me through to a nurse in labor and delivery. When I told her how much I was bleeding, she said I should probably go to the ER. So we packed the diaper bag with snacks and juice, our portable DVD player and some movies, and some books and a stuffed animal for DD. We woke her up and got her dressed and headed to the ER on the icy roads. It was about 3 AM.

The nurse that checked me into the ER was 8 months preg. I could tell she felt bad for me. I tried to make her feel more comfortable by asking her about her preg and telling her about my DD. They did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. They had a small u/s machine there, not as powerful as the regular u/s machines. The Dr couldn't see anything. They drew blood to do an HCG and to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood. By this time the muscle relaxer had worn off, so they gave me some Vicodin. They released me with a prescription for more pain pills and told me to call the hospital Monday for another HCG test and u/s. It was about 5 AM.

When we got home, I went to the bathroom and passed something. I was so tired and the toilet was filled with blood, so I didn't fish it out. I felt weird just flushing it, but I didn't know what else to do.

I went to the hospital by myself the next day. DD hates hospitals and I didn't want to put her through that. They did the blood test and then I went back into the outpatient waiting room to wait for the u/s. I was sitting where I could see out into the lobby, and I saw a pregnant lady checking in, obviously to have her baby. I broke down then. I hadn't cried about it until then. But I knew this baby was no to be, and it was so hard to deal with. I'll never forget, I was the only person in the waiting room except for the receptionist. She had been on the phone the whole time I was there, about twenty minutes at this time. I could hear her conversation, even though she was talking in hushed tones. She was gossiping about the minister at her church who had abruptly resigned. I sat there crying, with no tissues, wiping my tears on my shirt, and this woman went right on with her conversation, not stopping to check on me or offer me a Kleenex. She was still on the phone when I left the hospital 30 min later, after my ultrasound. So much for the Christian work ethic and the concept of compassion. It just really irritated me.

Anyway, the u/s showed nothing in my uterus, no sac, nothing. The mc had already occurred. When I got home, I went to the bathroom and passed something again. It felt exactly the same as it did right after we got home from the ER. I'm thinking maybe it was the massaging of the ultrasound wand that helped get things moving? I don't know.

The bleeding has slowed, it is about like my regular period now. I am waiting to hear from my OB's office as to whether or not I'll need a D & C. I'm still having some pain on my left side. I'm thinking it is realted to some GI trouble that has been occurring since this started.

As for my mood, I'm just really depressed. I expect the depression will last for awhile. I'm glad spring will be here soon, something to look forward to.

Thank you for starting this thread. It has been very helpful to me, reading other's stories and writing my own.


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## mamamoo

mama. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry. I have a story here too.


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## Jas26

First I must say that before my miscarriage started I found myself reading through all of these posts which I can say that I really appreciate everyone pouring their hearts out here.

Well I knew I was pregnant almost immediately, I took a pregnancy test to confirm after my period was one week late - 11/28/06. I wanted to wait for the insurance deductables to roll over to the new year, so I decided to have my first visit with my mw just after the new year. I went into the mw's office on 1/3, and expected to go through all of the usual stuff. I was surprised when she pulled out an u/s to take a look at the baby. I was supposed to be nearing 11 weeks. When she started to look she couldn't find anything really. She did an internal and still looked dismayed. Then she took me to another machine and before I knew it I had two doctors in the room looking at my ultrasound and telling me that the baby did not have a heartbeat and looked like it had stopped growing at 5 or 6 weeks. From there I had a blood test done for initial HCG levels and then I went in two days later to confirm that my HCG levels were dropping. My mw warned me that I would probably start to miscarry in the next week or two naturally or I could do something to progress it. As much as I didn't want to believe their diagnosis, I knew that something wasn't right. Sometime around Christmas I remember noticing that my symptoms of being pregnant had nearly disappeared. However, I still had hope and was in denial until it started on its own.

I decided to do it naturally, as I was induced with my daughter and have decided I will never do anything like that again if I can help it. Well on Saturday I started feeling labor like contractions. It really was like when I had my daughter, before I got induced. Nothing happened until the next morning. The next morning around I was working on my laptop and talking with my sister when all I did was reposition myself and I felt a gush. When I went to the bathroom I discovered that what I believe was my water had broke. It wasn't a lot but it was noticeable to me. It looked as if my mucus plug had come out. There was a little bit of light red blood and some clear mucus looking stuff. The cramping then started coming on much stronger than before, but nothing nearly as intense as when I had my daughter. For the rest of the day I did find myself staying in bed. I thought that with all of that cramping something would come out besides brown blood, but nothing really has of yet. The intense cramping subsided towards the end of the day, and I haven't had anymore cramping since. I am going on day ten of this and since about day five it has been red blood. I have seen some tissue, but it is very small and little. No clots or anything very heavy, but it is heavier and lasting longer than any of my periods. Sometimes it is very light and sometimes it is heavy. This ongoing constant bleeding is really wearing on me. Wearing pads all of this time is really bothering my skin too - I have started using some wrags here and there to give my body a break from them.

I did find that oddly enough the first day that this miscarriage happened was probably the best day I have felt through all of this. I felt some sort of gratification that I could do it on my own, without a doctor rushing it along. It felt good to trust my body to know what it is doing.

I do feel depressed and messed up still. I still can't believe that this pregnancy was so short. I find myself going back and saying I should have done this or that, even though I know I couldn't have changed the outcome.


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## alliteration

Deleted by user.


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## 2AngelBabies

It's a hard story to share, and I don't tell many people. Sometimes they disregard my story because of my age or just flat out don't believe me when I tell them I'm a mommy.
We'll start here. I am 17 years old, and the mother of two Angels, both were lost during miscarriages. Their father, also 17 is very loving and supportive.
When I lost our first child, who we decided to name Emily Michelle, at almost two months, I was only 16 years old, so was he. We didn't know if she was a boy or girl, but I was 100% sure that she was- I could just feel it.
I found out I was pregnant, and it was the happiest day of my life. I was a mom. And I knew that my boyfriend would be excited too, because we had agreed that if that were to happen we would be happy, as this was our child.
I was in class on May 3, 2006 working on a math quiz, still in high school but to be graduating that year. I started having cramps fairly bad. I wasn't sure what to do about it, because no one knew I was pregnant (I still hadn't told her father yet, I was planning a whole surprise later that week). Then it felt like I had started my period. So, in sheer terror I walked up to my teacher and had her sign a pass for me. I left and went to the bathroom where I had the worst cramps I had ever felt in my life. After staying in there for a descent amount of time, I had managed to collect myself enough to walk across campus to my boyfriends class, where I ignored everyone and literally pulled him out of the room (very unlike me). He asked what was wrong, as I was crying hysterically, so I threw my arms around him and told him that we had lost our baby. He had no idea what was going on because he didn't know about the baby to begin with, but he stood there with his arms around me and kissed my forehead and told me that it was okay and that it wasn't my fault. An hour later, one of the women from the office came outside and saw us, and she immediately sent me home ill (she said I didn't look right...?). I drove home alone, and in pain and slept for hours, I never went to the hospital. We later decided to name the baby Emily Michelle.
I had another one recently, on December 21, 2006. Another happiest day of my life! And another worst. That miscarriage was filled with the same pain and the same sorrow of the first, but I was alone and no longer in high school (after Emily I had decided to graduate a year early and continue my college). I had just found out I was pregnant, and once again, my boyfriend did not know yet. I feel terribly guilty sometimes for not telling him the moment I found out, but I was scared and happy at the same time and I wanted it to be an event.
I miss my angels terribly, and wear a memory bracelet with their birthstones on it. The hardest part for me is that the miscarriages could have been prevented had my doctors found a couple of health issues I had had for several years. They only recently found out, and now I feel angry that my babies were lost because of my doctor's ignorance.
I hope that one day I will be able to see and hold my third child and kiss him or her three times as much as I would only one of my children.
My boyfriend reminds me that I am a mom, when I feel like only half of one; and lets me know that our babies are safe, with each other, they are angels, and one day we will be able to have our whole family together again.
I read a quote that gets me through the long days, and maybe it can help you too. "An Angel in the book of life, wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book... too beautiful for earth..."
I try to keep a positive attitude and remember that no matter what, I am a mom and my angels are safe.
So are yours.

I am an angel's mommy,
Melissa


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## knotmyveins

Im new here, and this is my first pregnancy, as well as my first miscarriage. I don't have health insurance, so I kind of cant go to the hospital or doctor, So I was just wondering, how many of you have had natrual miscarriages, and about how long I should wait until I HAVE to goto the doctors.

Im only *about* 6 weeks along, if that. And I started bleeding badly yesterday, and that slacked down after I passed alot of tissue. Im not feverish, and Im not lightheaded, or bleeding excessively now. So far, from what Ive read, Im on schedule, but I was just curious if anyone knew anything.







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## MomToSusannah

Well, my story is a bit old, but I saw that the previous poster's loss was exactly 2 years to the day of my last one and felt compelled to tell it. It's a bit long, just to warn you.

I have had 4 miscarriages. I was barely 20 years old when I had my first, and when I went to the ER at 7 weeks along I didn't think to ask if anything had been seen on the ultrasound. The tech asked me if I was sure I was pregnant, so my guess is that there wasn't anything to be seen. Of course, the bloodwork showed that I was pregnant. It was the day after my +HPT and it was an unexpected pregnancy in a relationship before I met my DH.

The bulk of the bleeding lasted about 2 weeks. I was absolutely devastated; my ex was more relieved than anything else. Our relationship ended a couple of months later and I started dating my DH about 6 months after that.

DH and I got engaged after a little over a month of dating. I had another unexpected (though welcome) pregnancy about a month after that, at 5 weeks or so. It wasn't as bad as the first physically and was termed a "chemical pregnancy." I was very upset by this one as well.

We decided not to prevent another pregnancy, but we weren't actively trying either, especially since DH was in the Marines and stationed 3 hours away - we saw each other on weekends. I got pregnant pretty much immediately after my 2nd miscarriage and lost that one around 6 weeks. There was a sac on the ultrasound, but no baby to be seen. At this point, I was beyond devastated and couldn't understand why it kept happening over and over again.

I went through a lot of recurrent miscarriage testing and found a slight autoimmune problem, and took 81mg of aspirin every day for it. We decided to TTC and I was pregnant immediately. We saw our baby's heartbeat on ultrasound at around 6.5 weeks.

Her loss was by far the most difficult of all, physically and emotionally. I began spotting at 8 weeks and went in for an ultrasound, during which we saw our baby's heartbeat, nice and strong. The spotting turned to bleeding overnight and the next day, she still had a heartbeat, though it was weaker. About two hours after that ultrasound, I began cramping heavily and home and felt that something just wasn't right. I went into the bathroom and something fell into the toilet.

I picked it up, and there was my tiny baby - about 1/2in long and still in her sac. She was so tiny, so perfect in my eyes. The shock and suddenness of the loss, combined with not expecting to actually see the baby since I hadn't with my other 3, sent me into an almost primitive mode. Not that I would've ever entertained the thought of this, but I had a fleeting, primal urge to actually consume the baby's remains. I'm guessing that is how it's done in the animal world. My DH and I calmly put the baby into a ziplock and put her in the fridge, as per instructions from my OB's office. After that, I mumbled, paced, pulled at my hair, couldn't form a coherent sentence...I was a mess.

Part of me desperately wanted to bury my baby, but after 3 other losses we decided that we should have genetic testing run instead. We had lost a baby girl who had a 100% fatal, random chromosomal disorder called Triploidy, where the baby has an extra set of chromosomes. We named her Caroline Grace.

We decided to put TTC on hold in order to focus on our wedding. I also had a lot of personal reflection to do. I had had a drinking problem for a couple of years (though never drank while knowingly pregnant) and 5 months after we lost Caroline I had a car accident. That was 20 months ago and I haven't had a drop of alcohol since.

I decided to have my unusually long cycles looked into and had some hormonal testing done, which we didn't do the first time around. My testosterone levels were through the roof and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I began charting and we practiced NFP from then on. I started taking Metformin, which can reduce the testosterone in a roundabout way, and we were married in Dec 05. We decided it was time to TTC again in Feb 06, 14 months after Caroline's loss, and became pregnant immediately again.

This time, my pregnancy stuck. I went into preterm labor at 24 weeks, was on and off bedrest for the next 12 weeks, had gestational diabetes and ended up on insulin by the end after diet and oral medication didn't help control it, and finally gave birth to a beautiful, healty baby girl on October 21st.

I'm eternally grateful for my daughter and would do it all over again if I had to and it meant that I would still have her in the end. But I am still caught off-guard by the footprints on my heart that each of my angels has left. I am grateful for them as well, because they made me who I am today.

My point is that there is hope. I was told by someone else who's experienced multiple losses that those who are born mothers, will be someday. I know that she's right.


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## strmis

I was 22 weeks pregnant when I had her.

We decided to have our first ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby on my DH's bday. We came to find out that day that our baby had abnormalities and developmental problems. An amniocentesis revealed our baby[girl] had turner's syndrome (a chromosomal disorder where the 26th chromosome is not paired, so, rather XX or XY, it was an XO). "It could be a day, a week, a month, 2 months. ...All I know is that she will not live full term" well, THANKS DOC!! that was NOT helpful. In anycase, they gave me 2 options, wait it out, or have an abortion before 24 weeks (i was 19 weeks at the time).

The decision broke my heart and I am grateful I never had to make it, as I prayed so hard that I would not have to make a choice. I knew did not have the heart to have an abortion, but did not know if I would have the strength to possibly deliver a full term-sized stillborn baby.

I did think to myself that I must have provided a nice cushy home for her, baby's with this disorder rarely live past the first trimester. I don't know what her reason was to stay with us so long, but I am so grateful to have had her with us for my entire pregnancy.

Not a week later, I had a dream that I was trying to get something out of my body. I woke up feeling disconnected from the pregnancy, that same day we went to go see our m/w to check, sure enough no heartbeat.

I was scared of infection as my WBC's were a point above normal about a week after we found out no heartbeat. I waited it out, but at 22 weeks, I ended up inducing my own m/c w/ half a dose of cytotec at 530pm.

[By the way, I personally did not have any trouble with the cytotec. I know I was hesitant, but desperate. I think the biggest danger is that your uterus can rupture because of unnaturally strong contractions. I was not worried about that because my uterus was still relatively small, compared to a full term pregnancy.]

By 11:30pm the cramps were horrible, and by 1am UNBEARABLE!!! I was starting to wonder if people could die from pain OR, that if i passed out from the pain, I hoped my DH would hear the THUD of me falling to the ground (as he fell asleep when i, by the grace of God and a dose of tylenol, managed to get an hour of shut eye, too). In retrospect its a funny thought to me, but SO real when you're in the moment. I think its how they know your going into real labor, when you're delusional







:

I awoke with INTENSE contractions and at about 4am my water broke. A sense of "the calm before the storm" came over me as the contractions quieted. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and felt an urge to push. Out part of her came. She came out so fast, but somehow I instinctually knew to put my hand down to catch her. I called DH and told him it was time. He held her and I pushed and pushed. DH just kept telling me I was doing a good job and that she was coming out. Another instinctual moment came, so shifted my hips, and out the rest of her flew. about 30 seconds later, I birthed the placenta and it was over.

She was so big, yet so small. Her tiny body was red and swollen from the fluid that had accumulated, but still so SO BEAUTIFUL. 10 fingers and 10 toes, and about 10" long. We sobbed and sobbed for her, wishing she was alive. We were up for the next 3 hours with her, admiring her both in awe and dispair ...in fact, we stayed up with her until the sun came out! I could not believe how much love a heart could give as that is what she was, a product of our love, AMAZING! This is exactly the experience I wanted us to have, together as a family. It was absolutely insane to have a baby this far along on our own but for me it was all worth it just to have that moment. *sigh*

I suppose this was more of a stillbirth than a miscarriage, but wanted to share all the same. Its amazing how the body knows what to do, there is something so raw and primal about childbirth.

We named her Savannah, as I had always wanted to name our baby girl that, and then Joy, because that is what she brought so much of to us (and continues to do so)

this was, hands down, the most beautiful, breathtaking and heartbraking moment of my life and with all my heart and soul I am so grateful for it.


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## boysmom2

I can't tell you how much I appreciate reading all of your stories. I agree that this is a taboo topic in our society - and it shouldn't be. I feel like I'm ready to share now.

My first pregnancy was perfect. Enough symptoms to let me know everything was going well, but not too miserable. A long, drug-free labor that ended in a healthy, 8lb., breastfeeding champ. I had so much confidence in my body's ability.

18 months later, I was happy to discover I was pregnant again. We decided to wait to tell anyone until about 7 weeks, when my parents would be in town. But then, at 6 weeks I was suddenly in a really bad mood all day for no reason. That evening I started spotting, very lightly. I called my midwife who assured me there could be a good reason for it, but to come in for lab work the next day. By then the spotting had increased, though not as much as a regular period. I found out that we wouldn't get the lab results until the next day, which made me panic. What if there was something that could be done to save the baby and it would be too late by then? As it turned out, it wouldn't matter. The spotting increased, but never got too heavy, so I was able to stay at home for the whole thing. I stayed in bed for a couple of days. My aunt came over one of the days so my dh could go into work for a couple of hours. She brought me pads. It was a small thing, but so appreciated. The bleeding seemed to get better, so my dh took our ds to his parents for the weekend (we had been planning to go for a while) and I stayed home to rest. The day after they left I had MAJOR cramping for a couple of hours and then suddenly had to rush to the bathroom. Something plopped into the toilet and it was finally over. I didn't see it, but I wished I had. It felt weird to flush it, but I guess I didn't know what else to do (I'm glad to read in so many other stories that other women wanted to examine what came out - I thought I was the only one).

A few months later I was pregnant again. I couldn't bring myself to say the words, "We're having a baby." I would only tell people that I was pregnant. I WAS pregnant, but I might NOT be actually having a baby. But as I passed the 6 and then 12 week marks I felt better and better, and eventually was able to enjoy being pregnant. And then we had another healthy boy. I figured the m/c had just been one of those things, and my faith in my body was mostly restored.

And then, about 20 months later, we were happy to find ourselves expecting again. But this time was different. From the very beginning I had a feeling like it was all a lie. It's hard to explain, but I felt strange telling people, even my parents and close friends, that I was pregnant. But, I tried to tell myself that everything was fine. I had a normal exam at 12 weeks and heard a good, strong heartbeat. We told our boys. We told everyone we know. I scheduled my next appointment for dh's birthday. We would have the ultrasound, the kids would get to see the baby. It would be great.

A week before my next appointment, we had a party to go to, at my best friend's house. I was looking forward to it, but the whole week before I had this feeling of dreading the day of the party. I would catch myself feeling this way, and try to talk myself out of it. I could think of no reason why I should feel that way.

The day before the party, we had a blizzard so my dh worked from home. That afternoon, I noticed some spotting, but just barely. I called my midwife and she assured me that there are lots of reasons for spotting in the middle of pregnancy that don't mean anything bad is happening. She didn't think it was worth driving an hour to her office in bad weather, but said that if it was still there in the morning she would come in to see me (it was her day off - she's the best!). I tried to rest, which seemed to help, but once I got off the couch for a while the spotting came back.

In the morning it was still there, maybe a bit worse (but not more than a panty liner could handle), so we decided to go in. Her office is near where the party was, so I called my friend, told her what was going on, and that we'd be just a few minutes late to the party. "I'm sure it's nothing," I told her.

My midwife first tried to find the heartbeat, but was unable. She tried with the Doppler for a long time, and then suggested looking inside. She said things looked good internally, closed cervix, etc., so then tried again with the Doppler. While she was patiently searching and searching, she asked if I was sure of the dates, because I felt small. I told her I was. Then she suggested an U/S. Luckily that was the day they had the tech in the office, so I didn't have to go anywhere else. She brought my dh and kids in before they started. The tech put the wand on my belly and I could tell right away. Everything was just too still. The tech said, "Oh, I'm so sorry," and explained what she was seeing. I should have been 18w 5d, but the baby measured around 15w. My midwife and dh both started to cry, but I just said, "OK."

My midwife brought in the OB, who was very nice, and he explained that a D&C was my best option. At almost 19 weeks, the risk of hemorrhage was high if I tried to go it alone, and we lived far from the hospital. They gave us the option of doing it right then or waiting a few days. We agreed to do it that day, I kind of wanted to get it all over with. I have struggled with that decision since then, but I don't know if there would have been anything better. It was all awful. Dh left to drop the kids off with my sister, which left me to walk to the hospital. It was only about a block away, but very lonely and depressing. He met me at the hospital before the D&C.

It was then that I told dh that I had felt all along that it wasn't going to work out, and he said he had felt the same way! It made me feel a little better to hear that. I told him that I wanted to ask to see the baby, but he told me he didn't think they'd let me and that there wouldn't be anything to see anyway. I know he really didn't think it was something we could do, but I wish I had pushed harder for it. I can't help feeling a little angry about that. It's really disturbing to me to think that my child was just tossed out like medical waste.

They took me to the OR and gave me general anesthesia (something about the D&C being potentially worse that far along). I woke up in recovery with the most violent chills. I had no abdominal pain, but I could feel all my muscles cramping up from this shivering, but I couldn't stop it. It finally subsided, and I eventually went back to my room. When they moved me from the cart to my bed, there was a huge pool of blood left on the cart. But after that, my bleeding was just like a heavy period.

I was sent home that night and spent the next few days on my couch. The only pain I had was horrible muscle pain from the chills. I couldn't walk, turn my head or chew for 24 hours. After that, I was pretty much back to my old self, physically.

Mentally, it comes and goes. I think in some ways it was easier, since I suspected all along. That's not to say that it's not still awful, but at least it wasn't a complete shock. One of the worst parts was having to tell everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. That's a lot of times to relive something. Telling our boys was the hardest though. Our 4 year old really cried, our 2 year old didn't really get it though. At our 4-year-old's insistence we pray for our babies every night now. It's very sweet.

Thanks for letting me share my story. I think I really needed this.


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## zilchie

Boysmom, your story made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss.

I guess I'll chime in, I won't tell my whole history now, but I really feel the need to say something about my most recent loss. Maybe later I'll come back and tell the whole thing. I am right now *hopefully* just ending my 3rd miscarriage. It was much heavier than my 2nd one--that one was actually not bad at all, just an hour of heavy bleeding two mornings in a row. This time it was over 3 hours of very heavy bleeding, with quite a few "gushes" that soaked the whole pad and got my pants wet. Not pleasant. It has slowed down, but I don't think it's quite over yet.

My point is, it is awful to go through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong.


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## Novella

Mine were pretty painless compared to what a lot of women go through:

I did a home pregnancy test the first time when I was just over a week late. I was blissfully pregnant for a further 5 weeks. Then a TINY bit of brown spotting one evening - which totally freaked me out with worry. Spotting continued, lightly over the next day or two (hard to remember now). Only mild cramping. Then went for a pee mid-morning and little 'plop' into the toilet. It was a lump about 1.5" X 2" more red-pink than a blood clot and wispy-fibrous surface to it. That was all. Just a regular period-type bleed after that.

Second time was a blighted ovum. I had gone to the doctor at beginning of February, when I was 8-9 weeks pregnant. No spotting, but for some reason I now can't remember (mild cramping?) worried about MC. Ultrasound said all was fine. Then started spotting (bright red this time) a month later. Doctor told me that ultrasound showed blighted ovum that hadn't developed past 8-9 weeks. In retrospect, I figured I had known something was wrong when I felt funny at the February scare.

Doc suggested D&C and young, dumb me agreed. I had no problems with the D&C - physcially or emotionally. It was only later that I thought about it and realized his reasoning didn't make sense. He had suggested D&C "in case" something hadn't cleaned out properly from the first MC, which had been 5 months prior to the second one. Doesn't make sense for that to have been a possible cause of the second miscarriage if it really *was* a blighted ovum, since blighted ovum is inherent problem with the egg - not a problem with the environment of the uterus. . . live and learn.

Emotionally, the first miscarriage left me feeling pretty shocked and numb for a good week or so. In the months that followed, knowing of other educated/employed/married pregnant women didn't bother me. But knowing of unplanned pregnancies, teen moms, people who appeared to be having children only to boost their social insurance cheques, etc. *really* bothered me. I know some people will probably think that's incredibly snotty and self-righteous, but I'm just telling it like it was. I couldn't help but feel like "why are they pregnant when they aren't doing anything to deserve that baby" (as if one have to prove deserving a baby!) I felt this way particularly because my doctor had said after the first miscarriage that he thought it was just bad luck b/c I was young, healthy, fertile, etc etc and everything would be fine the second time. The second one made me sad, of course, but somehow it was even easier to get over. The prevailing sentiment was one of simply feeling like I had to "get back up on that horse". . .

Both times, I never felt like I had lost a baby. I felt like I had lost the *potential* for a baby and the loss of the potential for that dream was reallly hard.

Happily, I became pregnant again about 4 months later. I never looked back and went on to have as many kids as I'd always wanted (5). It's only after having miscarriage(s) that you start to hear more about this taboo subject and realize how incredibly common it is. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it does the same for you.


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## rach03

Hi, I'll share my story.

I miscarried last week at almost 12 weeks, but the baby did not make it much past my 9 week ultrasound where we saw it's strong little heart beating. Even though we had seen the heartbeat, I was still very uneasy about this pregnancy...it didn't feel "right" like my first one did.

Last Monday I woke up and went to the bathroom. I had some very light brown streaked discharge. I called my OB just to check with the nurse, and she said it was most likely due to having intercouse. Over the course of the day it turned from brown to pink, then to red. I knew that my pregnancy was not going to have a happy ending. Mild cramping started later that night, and lasted through the night.

Tuesday morning my husband stayed home because he knew we'd at least be going into the doctor to get checked out. At around 8am the cramps started coming in waves like contractions and I knew it wouldn't be long. At about 8:30 I was sitting on the couch and felt something like a little bubble popping, or like a big clot passing. I got up and went to the bathroom and liquid (fluid, not blood) poured out of me. Then the baby passed. I scooped up the baby and wrapped them in toilet paper.

The tiny baby was beautiful. It had little arms, legs, toes, and fingers. I held it's little hand and looked at its little eyes before placing them in a baby food jar. I called my OB and she said to come in right away. I was still having contaction like cramping. At her office she removed the placenta and determined I did not need a D&C. She took the baby away for testing.

It's been one of the most painful things physically and emotionally I've ever had to deal with. I know things happen for a reason and the little one probably had a major problem that would prevent life, but I still mourn the loss of my sweet little one.

Quote:

It's only after having miscarriage(s) that you start to hear more about this taboo subject and realize how incredibly common it is. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it does the same for you.
And ITA with this! I never realized how common miscarriages were until I had one, and speaking with women who have been through this has been so very comforting.


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## widdlelou

THis week, Tuesday it was one week to the day that I found out I was pregnant. I found out early b/c I became a charting junkie and so I found out about 11 dpo the first day of my missed period. I took 4 tests. So I was thrilled and my family was thrilled. My sister and my SIL (brother's wife) all pregnant we were all going to have babies in 2007 and all about 2 months apart. So my parents, against my wishes, told people. I almost didn't tell them right away but my mother was sick and was kind of sad that day so I thought it would cheer her up. So we told and I figured the more people praying the better. So we told. And then exactly one week from the day I found out, this past Tuesday (that would have made me 4.5 weeks pregnant), I was in the shower iwth my daughter and I saw blood coloring th water. I couldn't exactly tell what it was but something felt odd so I reached down and felt and looked at my fingers to see blood. I immediatly jumped out of the shower and started screaming no no, and then called my DH. He sounded disturbed It hink he started crying a bit and came home imediatly from work. My parents were calling me and so I took the call and I was hysterical and they came right over. i fell to my knees and prayed screaming to God to save my baby.

I laid in bed, got my daughter out of hte tub and turned on Sesame STreet. I knw that would still be on if my family couldn't get here. I called the doctor and told them to get me in. I thought maybe it was just spotting an dit just happend but then I looked at my underwear from earlier and I guess it started that morning. ANd everytime I got up the bleeding seemed a bti heavier. So I went in and they did and internal and asked if I was sure I was pregnant. I said without a doubt I'm never late and I took 4 tests. ANd so then he saw that hteir was thickening and said, this is more than spotting now and the miscarriage has already begun. My heart sank and I started sobbing and he put his hand on my back and comforted me trying to cnovince me it could be nothing that I had done or not done it was "one of those things." I hate that b/c it would be easier to blame something. Well today if Friday and I'm still spotting, but last night I was able to not sleep in a pad (they are so umcomfrotable to me). And I am still cramping, yesterday was the worst, and I passed a few good clots and some tissue. Today I am a lot better than yesterday, maybe it will hit me at a different time, b/c the past couple of days the mornings seem the worst to me. But today I'm not so horribly depressed. I didnt' mind getting out of bed and I"m not sobbing. Maybe its the hope that this will all be over soon. I go back in on Monday to I guess get checked out. There aren't a lot of stories of really early miscarriages so I felt I needed to for sure add mine, b/c even though its really early its still terribly hard to deal with and a loss of a baby all the same.


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## levar

I have SO many emotions I cannot express them all. Maybe some day. This is my (very) clinical story.

I am 38 and was pregnant for the 4th time. I have a Beautiful almost-7 yr old boy from my 2nd pregnancy. FYI The labor portion of that pregnancy lasted ~72 hrs. [I am not kidding.] I eventually had a C section.

At my 10wk2d checkup (Mon) the ultrasound revealed a 9wk4d old fetus with no heart beat.

Two weeks two days later (Wed), still nada, I went to the doctors for a checkup and to get a prescription for mysoprophil (sp?) that I'd planned to take on Friday night or Saturday morning to "get things started" while my son went to stay the weekend with my Sister and my husband could be home from work with me, etc. During the physical exam my uterus felt "roughed up" and a wee bit Owie. I was spotting a bit too. Drop here, drop there.

By 11pm that night I was having very mild contraction-like-cramps every 10-15 minutes or so. Still only barely-spotting on-n-off. I took 3 advil and try to rest on the couch. I fell asleep and woke at 2am with no cramps or bleeding, and went to bed.

FYI By the time we woke at 6am Thursday morning we had 5+ inches of snow and there was No School for my First Grader. Around 9am Hubby went to work. Not really any spotting, and just felt "tender" not really any cramps at all.

About 11am I started feeling crampy. At about 11:30am a friend called and I spoke with her (according to her) for about 45 minutes during which I started off having mild "tight" contractions and by the time I hung up I was having "breathless" contractions every 5 minutes or so. I setup a bunch of "play stations" throughout the house and told my son to play, I was going to take a shower. I spent 20 minutes (I ran out of hot water) on the tub floor on all fours having strong contractions that progressed (FAST?!?! It seemed?) to about 1-2 minutes apart. (No time to 'relax' in between.) I called my husband, an hour away, and said "Come Home, Now!!" About that time I ended up accidentally pooping my pants, along with SO much blood it stained my undies and was on the linoleum, etc. So only 5-10 minutes later I called my Best Friend and asked her to pick up my Son ASAP. I *think* she made it to the house within 10 minutes, certainly less than 15 anyway. I spent the time on the toilet filling it with poop, blood/tissue, and TP inbetween 1-2 minute strong contractions. I was pretty delirious overall. I dont remember much except the pain and delirium. My BF picked up my son. I sort-of popped my head out the door, said "bye. I'm fine", and went back into the bathroom and back onto the toilet for a refill of Poop, Blood/Tissue, and TP. I was definately delirious and just breathing (heeheehoo) through strong contractions 1 min apart waiting for hubby to arrive and make all the decisions; like call 911? call Dr? research online, books? or "Just Breath", etc. I mostly remember being VERY upset that I couldn't THINK and couldn't remember anything about my first labor or what the doctor had said to expect/do for a MC etc.

Eventually hubby arrived, helped me clean up, cleaned up bathroom, and helped me breath and walk through contractions. (We didn't call DR or 911, etc. He was able to remember what to do so I didnt have to remember, etc.) I went through countless pads, none ever filling up though, before about 3pm. (3-4 hours total time? Including apx 1 hour on toilet.) By 3pm I was able to relax a bit between contraction and chat. I was still gritting my teeth and breathing, but not as bad as before. By 5pm I was seriously cramping but able to relax and move around a bit. By 7pm I was cramping and bleeding like a regular heavy period. By 9pm I was able to get a bit of sleep.

At about 1:30am I woke from contractions again. From about 2am to 3am I had medium contractions (breathless, teeth gritting) every 3-5 minutes. I passed a BIG blob of tissue and alot of blood. Then contractions started to abate and I saw the clock turn 3:30am but then fell back to sleep until apx 5am.

Since then I have had cramps and bleeding like a regular period. It's been two days so far... I wanted to write this much before I forgot. I plan to update as things progress...

Note: I took 3 advil at noon-ish (?) and every 4 hours thereafter for the next apx 18 hours. Then 2 advil every 4-6 hours thereafter for the next apx 18-24 hours. I also took robitusin for my sinus infection every 4 hours starting at 5pm Thur for apx 12 hours.

I went to the doctors on Friday. I didnt collect the fetus, and so there is some concern that I am not "done" yet. The fetus might have ended up in the toilet, I will not know until either I do pass the fetus or I go to the doctors next week for a follow up exam and get confirmation the Yes I did, etc.

Follow Up: I was not "done"...

I bled and cramped like a heavy period until Tuesday. Tuesday morning I went to the doctor's to give more blood. My H* levels are/were 500 (that is down alot, per doctor) and all else was "ok".

Starting Monday night I had 'A' cramp that did not go away. Not cramps, but one big monster muscle-like cramp. I thought it was my bladder? Or maybe maybe not my uterus? Although hubby mentioned maybe it was constipation, but I knew not because it wasn't a cramp in the right place for that. All day Tuesday I was very very tired and didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house. (VERY unlike me.) At 2:35pm it was obvious why... I passed the placenta. I had to pee and so I started to pee and something HUGE passed out. I stopped peeing and FREAKED out. I tried a few ways to get "it" out of the toilet before biting my lip and reaching in to my elbow. I retrieved a fist size amount of grisly tissue and put it in a disposable tuperware. Then. I *lost* it. Screaming, sobbing, and crying hysterically on the bathroom floor.

Unfortunatly I only had a few minutes to "get it together" because my son gets out of school at 2:55pm!?!?! I tried calling a few friends to pick him up, but everyone had already left to pick up their own kids, etc. So I paniced and did my best to quickly cleanup myself and the bathroom, hiding what I could not get cleaned up quickly, and jumped in the car and dashed to the school. I was a bit late, but not much. I dashed in, said 'Lets Go' and drove my son home and set him up in front of the TV with the agreement that he could eat ANYTHING he wanted as long as he left me alone to "nap" in the bedroom, etc.

I sort of floated about the house for a while 'puttering' and then just starring into space. Eventually I called hubby and asked if he could come home from work early. He dashed home and around 4:30pm he arrived. He gave me many hugs and kises, finished cleaning the bathroom, and helped me get settled comfortably into bed. At 5-ish my best friend called (Hubby had called her from the road and asked her to call me ASAP) and so I cryed, and eventually laughed with her (about 'little nothings') for a while. Hubby took our son outside to play frisbee. Eventually I joined them and sat on the porch watching them while the sun set.

I spotted very very lightly for ~3 days. Little and then no cramps. I still have a head ache and stomach ache though. I recognize from experience that they are not symptoms of anything other than grief. Severe grief. I have cryed on-n-off for days. I can't sleep until I practically pass out from exhastion. I have NO interest in leaving the house, although I am also sick-to-tears of being in bed, so I am NOT going in there either. I feel a wee bit better each day though.

I took the tupperware in to the doctor's on Wednesday morning. As I was getting ready to go, I looked. I thought long and hard about it before I did.

Here is what I was thinking: My husband's best friend's Widow wanted to view her 17 mo old daughter's body when she died. It was a Horrific death. NO ONE wanted her to view the body. Mortuary Staff. Clergy. Family. Friends. BUT. At one point she was remaining 'stubborn' and I asked her 'Why' she wanted to see the baby's body. She basically explained to me that 1) it wasn't real to her without it and 2) it wasnt her Daughter, it was just a shell, and she needed "proof" of that with her own eyes. After that, I alone stood by her, and stubbornly held others at-bay so she could recieve what was for her Resolution.

So, I looked. I saw what might have been a torso and head but, honestly, freaked out before I got a good look to confirm. The ONE thing that does standout most in my mind though is this: 'It' looked nothing like what I'd imagined. Nothing like a baby. Nothing like MY son/baby ever-ever looked. Until that moment I hadn't realized - I was TERRIFIED of loosing my own 6 yr old son. I DID loose a Dream, and a Hope - but NOT my Son or my Family or my Future.

I spoke to the doctor (who was lovingly and compassionatly 'delicate' at first) and she eventually confirmed that the fetus might have been within the placenta, but that only the pathologist would be able to confirm. Because of the waiting (vs D&C) the fetus had alot of time to degenerate, and it had.

Per Doctor, I will return in two weeks for another blood test and physical exam. The expectation is that my H* levels will be zero and my body will be aok.


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## Charlie07

I am new to this forum but reading all your stories helped me prepare and get through this awful time. I had a Blighted Ovum. I have posted numerous posts on another part of the forum, but wanted to put my story here for anyone in the future reading to get the same advice we have all got here, to give an idea of what to expect out of different situations, to help them get through the trauma. The people on this forum were there for me, I owe them a lot.

I was pregnant with my first baby at the age of 36, nearly 37. I was 3 weeks late, did a pregnancy test, convinced I couldn't get pregnant anyway, and the test came back invalid. So bought another one, same things happened until I realised I was supposed to slide a section across to reveal the answer, I was so shocked, my BF said I went white.

Found out I was about 7 weeks, started taking folic acid and preg vits. I didn't have many symptoms, just sore boobs, dizziness and all I wanted was meat. I was also more tired. My sister had a baby last Nov and she had no sickness so I was just hoping I was going to be a lucky one.

About 1 1/2 weeks ago I realised I had no symptoms, I kept asking my BF if my boobs were growing, he would say no, I was not dizzy anymore, in fact I felt like I did at any other time, but I was still tired. I didn't feel pregnant. I knew there was something not right. About a week ago I started spotting, I was straight on this forum checking on spotting. It was normal. The spotting was brown and only to get checked if it was more red.

On Monday night of this week, my boyfriend was out for business, I came back early to take a shower. Went to the loo and a huge clot came out. I just freaked, I was so shocked I flushed. I came on this forum and started writing, I needed someone, I needed to know what was happening. I though it was miscarriage, but after reading here I realised I had had no cramping. I had had pains on the Friday before but I put it down to hunger pains as when I lay down they disappeared in 5 mins.

BF cam home, upset cause I hadn't rang and because we may be losing the baby. I had told him I didn't feel pregnant, so that was that, first thing in the morning he rang to make me an appointment with a doc that had been reccommended They said they could see me in a week (you have to know that I now live in Bulgaria and the system is different to the States and the UK). We decided to get on with some work we had to do and then go to the hospital.

Got another number of a friend who had a baby last October, we rang, told him we thought I may be miscarrying, he told us to see him in 20 mins. Fab. He had a scan in his room which was super, we told him the events leading up to our visit and he decided to scan my belly. He said there was a pregnancy but the egg was empty. Everything had been growing but no foetus had developed. I should have been 9 weeks. He said to return on the Thursday for another scan and then in the afternoon or Friday they would remove everything for me, give me anitibiotics to help with the healing. He repeated several times (my BF had to translate cause I don't speak Bulgarian) that this did not mean that I couldn't get pregnant again, he wanted to make sure I understood. He was very good.

So that was yesterday. Last night was bad. Started with cramping pains like you get with your period. They steadily got stronger, but still not painful, just very uncomfortable. We went to bed. I didn't sleep, every 10/15 mins I was up going to the toilet, I felt like I needed to poo, but I didn't, kept an eye on the blood flow as it was now red, almost translucent with small clots. Then I got a couple of bigger clots. At this point it was 2am, I got the spare duvet and went on the settee, TV on to distract the pain but it didn't. Trying to find a comfy position. The last time I went to the loo was 3.30am, changed my towel, got back on the sette, I found breathing steadily was working a little.

Then I woke up, it was 6.30am. What happened in the last 3 hours I have no idea. I had no pain, except on the right side of my lower back, it's really painful. Got up, I felt damp in my jog pants and there was blood on the duvet, not loads, but I knew I must have bled alot during the 3 hours. So I went to the loo and heard 'plop'. After reading the many ladies stories about retrieving what fell in the toilet for the doctor or further examination, I thought I had to be brave and get it out. It looked like a slug, a fat slug. I sliced a bit of the top of length ways. The way I describe it is if you slice open a peach, remove the stone it leaves a hollow. That is what it was like, a very small hollow where my baby should have been. It was empty. I felt empty, but also relieved that I didn't see my baby there, it was long gone if ever there.

So I am now hoping when I go for my scan on Thursday, the doc says everything has gone and I don't need the op anymore. After all this, I don't want anymore, I just want to try to get over this and look forwards. My BF is in bed and doesn't know, he is upset, bless him, he's been fantastic, bought me chocolate last night without me having to ask. He wants to try again as soon as I'm ready, he's my rock and my best friend, I've seen another side to him during all this and has made me love him even more, if that was possible.

I hope my story and all the other stories on this forum will help someone else who is unfortunate enough to have to go through this, we are here, everyone was here for me and it helped me be stronger than I thought I could be. You are not alone.


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## sarahtar

You know, I was searching and searching online yesterday for details about miscarriage. Sometimes I just need to know, you know, exactly what things are going to be like, even if it's hard or gross. I was all but certain that I was losing (or, technically, had lost) my baby, and wanted to know EXACTLY what I was in for.

Then I came here and found this thread and read the first four pages or so. Then I got up to pee. And felt something come out. And it was the baby. And I was so grateful to have just read this, it was almost like fate. Reading these stories really prepared me mentally to accept what happened, and I was not as freaked out as I otherwise would have been.

So, thank you thank you to everyone who has shared their stories.

Mine, just the gory details:
On Sunday I vomited all day, uncontrollable, I could not even keep water down. On Monday, at about 6.5 weeks gestation, I started spotting. I had spotting and actual red blood bleeding with my first pregnancy, but this was different somehow. With my first, I knew somehow that it was going to be OK. I mean, I was worried, but I had a sense of rightness, too. This felt wrong from the first spot of blood. On Tuesday, I woke up in the middle of the night with cramps and low back pain and lots of clotting. Against my better judgement, I decided to go for an ultrasound for reassurance that everything was OK. We should have been able to see a heartbeat. Ultrasound showed a yolk sac, no baby. Measured at 5.5 weeks. Doctor (my mw doesn't do u/s) suggested my dates were off. They weren't, but I nodded and went along with it. I knew, though. I just knew.

Then I found this thread yesterday, read it, stood up and felt the baby come out and I knew what it was without looking. So I pulled her (I have felt this was a girl from the beginning) off my pad and wrapped her in a wipe, and just looked at her for a bit.

It was a bloody ball, shaped like a football. About 3-4 inches long, about an inch across. Really really firm, surprisingly firm, but it makes sense. I considered popping the sac open and having a peek, but decided to leave her dignity intact and leave her be. (So much for dignity, she's in my freezer now. We want to bury her but the ground is frozen so she'll stay in cold storage for a few weeks.)

I cried a bit, called my mw, called my husband, then nursed my toddler and went on about my day.


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## slgt

Thank you one & all - i wish i had found this forum on February 17th. I miscarried on February 16th, just after the big "Valentine's Day Storm" that hit the Northeast.

I had started spotting 4 days before after intercourse. Cause for some worry as I had none prior, but also knew that some spotting could be normal. I was going to the bathroom on Thursday, and suddenly saw bright red blood when I wiped. Tears immediately streaming down my face. 12 1/2 weeks had so far been more-or-less normal, no spotting - I knew.

More bleeding the next day and the mw told me to go in for an ultrasound. More tears. The tech confirmed that the embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks gestational. Sadness, anger, sadness, tears and more tears. DH was by my side and I knew he felt the sadness and keenly felt my pain.

I didn't take the mesoproxyn (sp?), didn't have to - cramps started around 6:30 that night, full-on contractions started around 9 and lasted until 11pm, each lasted for a minute+ and they were less than a minute apart. Never experienced so much pain in my life, excrutiating. Vomiting, diarrhea, eventual weakness & couldn't get up off the floor. The mw later told me that my heartrate probably slowed considerably from the pain. I finally made DH call an ambulance, couldn't take the pain any more. Just as they walked down the driveway (still a mess from the snowstorm), I passed the sac and the pain ceased.

Like many of you - fascination - this came from me? this was going to be our baby? It passed whole, and I could see the tiny white embryo inside, just as the pictures show. Strange detachment at that point - that was it - i couldn't believe it. 2 more hours on the couch with a sense of relief that the pain was over, and deep penetrating grief at the same time. A little more cramping and I then passed the placenta. The placenta looked as others have described - about 4 1/2 inches long, solid/fleshy, dark blood colored. Sorry for the graphic, but maybe it will keep someone else from worrying.

Finally fell asleep, pad in place, about 2am. Long, exhausting day. Not the worst day of my life, but definitely 2nd place.

I think about poor DH seeing me writhing in pain on the floor, vomiting and diarrhea and bleeding, unable to experience anything but pain & grief - and know as hard as it must have been for him, he won't ever understand the emptiness it left.

The midwives were kind - they were available by phone throughout - but ill-prepared me for what to expect at all. They said that I had probably passed everything after the sac came out, but did not question me enough to find out that i had not passed the placenta. When I went in for a follow-up appointment 2 weeks later, the midwife (not one I had seen before) had clearly not read my file and asked how everything was progressing.

I know that baby was not meant to be and don't think I will ever completely get over the sense of loss, remembering what it feels like to grieve for the potential that we never got to meet. One positive thing is that we learned that we need to find a different mw practice for next time around.

Trying again - and one of the "exactly what to expect" considerations - is wondering what will happen next time.

Not everyone has this excrutiatingly painful experience...my SIL had 2 m/c and both were more like a heavy period - one with pain that Tylenol controlled. If this happens again, I am asking for serious pain meds. Exactly what will be different for everyone, but it has been so supporting and reassuring to me that other go through this message board and just know and feel the pain of what others experience too. Thank you all for sharing.


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## mamamoo

to you.
My m/c story is somewhere on here too, but I wanted to let you know that I had the same realization, that a good thing came of my mc, I found out the mw I had was not one I would want to support me through a homebirth. She was awful.
Also the pain I experienced from my mc was so much worse than my 2homebirths after it.


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## mumnz

Hi everyone

I have just had a miscarriage and I am so glad I found this thread, it has been so helpful to me.

My story.....Last week, when I was 6w 3d, I started spotting lightly just before I went to bed. It really freaked me out, even though I know it's quite common, but I just felt like something was very wrong.

Next morning I went to see my doctor who sent me straight off for a scan. The scan was awesome - I saw my teeny little sac for the first, and last time. I was told that the scan was inconclusive - I was definitely pregnant, and the bleeding could mean something or it could mean nothing, so I just had to sit and wait.

Next day the bleeding got heavier and I was cramping. That's when I found this thread, and reading all the posts made me realise that I was probably miscarrying. Late in the day I passed something, not a blood clot, but something pretty large. My doctor called it the Product of Conception. Sounded pretty scientific and unhuman to me? Other than that though, my doctor has been amazing, so supportive and there on the end of the phone whenever I've needed to talk.

After it happened I just felt so emotional and couldn't stop crying. But once I'd finished crying I felt a sense of calm and relief , like I knew that was it and it was all over. I carried on bleeding for a few more days and only stopped yesterday.

I went for a follow-up scan this morning, just to check that the m/c was complete (it was), and that started me off again, lots more tears. Now I'm just trying to come to terms with what's happened. I guess it will take a while and the feelings will come and go, but knowing there are others out there who understand really helps.

We've told a few friends and family and most people have been so supportive, I don't know what I'd do without my girlfriends. But there's one close friend who unfortunately seems to be avoiding me and is certainly avoiding the subject. She hasn't even asked if I'm ok, even though my DP called her to tell her what had happened.

I am assuming it's because she's 7 months pregnant and isn't sure how to deal with it herself or what to say to me?? Her lack of contact has made me feel even more sad though. I'm not sure why.

I agree with you Abigail, - people may say dumb things sometimes. But for them just to say something, anything at all, just to acknowledge that they know what's happened and are there for you, it makes such a difference.

My doctor says one in four pregnancies end in m/c. That's a massive statistic. Know that there's a reason for it and keep looking forward to all the joys that the future will bring.

Lots of hugs to all of you.


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## jessncin

Goodness there are a lot of us. It doesn't make our losses hurt any less. I'm new so bear with me.

I had one son at the time and he was 2. I got pregnant went I wanted the second one. I went to the doctor and he refered me over to the OB. I was excited to be pregnant again. I called everyone in my family and told tem. My husband couldn't come to my appointment, he was in the Navy and his boss wouldn't let him come. So my son and I went.

We sat through all the questions about my medical history and my husbands and my son's birth story. Then we went to the exam room for the ultrasound. The midwife started the ultrasound and turned the screen away from me. I was happy and joking around. She told the tech to go get the doctor. I joked "what is it twins?". The doc came in and said "I'm sorry there is no heart beat". I was trying to be calm, because my son was in the room. He started to cry because he knew mommy was upset. The doctor asked me to get dressed and meet him in his office. I called my husband really quick. I had to put in an emergency call on the Navy base.

The doctor told me I could wait it out and let it happen naturally or I could have a D&C. I elected for the D&C. I couldn't handle seeing everything. I scheduled it for the next day. It was all very hard. We were far from home because he was in the Navy. No one in our families could come.

Six months later I got pregnant again. I was VERY happy!! I went to the same doctor and he was happy for me. I went to the appointment and the baby was fine. YAY! I had an appointment in 4 weeks. The next day I KNEW something was wrong. I called the drs office and they blew me off. I knew something happened. Well I went to the appointment and the baby had died the day after my last appointment. It was horrible. At least my husband was there this time. I had another D&C. The doctor ran a bunch of tests and it turned out I have a blood clotting disorder.

I went on to have a beautiful healthy baby boy. A year and a half later.

I was depressed for years.

After the second miscarriage no one called me. No one sent flowers. No one told me when they were pregnant. No one mentioned the word baby. No one said anything to me. It was like I didn't exsist. It made my depression worse. It was like it never happened. For me it was like a little part of me died with each of those babies.

I don't know why its not talked about. I hate to hear "a third of all women have had a miscarriage.....". My response was always I'm not other women I'm me, this is happening to me. This hurts me. It belittles me, it hurts me. Just because other women go thru it doesn't make it hurt any less. We are all going to die, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm sorry we have all shouldered this pain. I'm sorry we have all had to be silent about it.


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## Organicavocado

I found out I was pregnant when I was

less than 4 weeks along. We had been

trying off and on for over a year. In the

time that we had been studying,

preparing, and trying, several of my

friends had gotten pregnant and had

their babies. It was finally my turn.

The first few weeks were blissful. I went to

my hometown and shared in my joy with

friends and family. I came home and

met with my midwife, the woman who

had trained me to be a doula. We were

all very excited, but I felt off. I kept telling

everyone I had a good feeling, hoping

to "wish it into existance". At the very core

of me, I knew something was wrong

when I couldn't imagine giving birth to

this baby. It was as though there was no

soul to connect with. I brushed it aside

and called it first-trimester-worries.

I was still in denial when I had brown

discharge, and even pink discharge. I

told myself not to worry.

One night in late March I saw two tiny

spots of blood when I wiped. I sighed

and grieved intensely for a moment, and

decided to continue trying to relax.

The next morning there was stringy blood

when I wiped. I kept being brave and

strong and called my midwife and told

her I was worried and wanted something

to do to keep me busy. She told me to

throw together the anti-miscarriage brew

from Susan Weed's "Wise womans herbal

for the childbearing year". I went to an

apothecary and downed the vitamin C,

herbs and tinctures, and the bleeding

stopped. I was hopeful and kept my

heart set on a subchorionic bleed of

some sort, and went home. Against my

previous desires, I set an appointment for

an ultrasound at a pro-life clinic. My

husband and I had recently lost our jobs

and thus our insurance so I had to make

do with what I had, and I was grateful to

be let in so quickly.

On the 30th of March I knew it was over. The bedrest and tinctures were no longer helping, I was passing tiny beadlike clots and stringy blood like overgrown menstrual blood. I slowly went through the house and packed away all of Cobweb's stuff (that was the babes nickname) so it was out of sight for the moment. I stayed in bed, still trying to hold onto my last hope of a subchorionic bleed. My husband was great, brought me everything I needed. He seemed emotionally removed, and I both loathed and appreciated it.

The next night the emotions overcame me. I cried, bawled, tried to get my husband who was exhausted to wake up and snuggle me. I had never heard such mournful cries come out of a human being in my life, and it was devastating to hear them coming from me.

On the 2nd of April was my ultrasound date. I woke up that morning at about 3 and filled a pad with blood. I cleaned myself up and went back to bed.
The time of my appointment approached and I was unsure if I wanted to go. I decided to go last minute, to put my subchorionic hemmhorage ideas to rest.

I signed in and filled out the paperwork. I went to give my urine sample and was so saddened to see the cup filled with pink liquid with more stringy blood mixed in. I set it inside anyway and continued. When it was my turn I went in and talked to the nurse. She asked me when my LMP was. I told her I didnt remember, took a guess, and then told her I was 8 weeks to the day based off of ovulation. She corrected me based off of my made up LMP and told me I was 7weeks, 6 days (Gee, Im so glad you found ONE DAY reason enough to argue with me, like Im not going through enough) and I didn't heave the heard to argue her logic. I hopped up naked on the table and waited, waited for the tech. She came in and dutifully did her business. She told me she couldnt see anything in the sac, and that everything stopped growing at 5w3d. She argued with the nurse and me for a while (she didnt listen very well so when she didn't get the answer she was expecting she argued it with me instead of letting me explain) about due dates and how I must have messed up my dates and I let her know that I hadn't had sex since I conceived my child six weeks prior. I thanked her and asked her for a photo of my childless uterus.

I was angry for a long while. I spotted and spurted on and off for a while, and later that day started getting regular, timeable contractions. They were short, only half a minute long, and every 2 1/2 minutes. They were perfectly bearable and I was ever thankful that I did not experience awful pain through this emotionally charged event.

Early the next morning I wiped and had passed a deflated sac, like an old grape. I wasnt expecting it to be deflated but figured it had had enough time to decompose in me in the time I had been carrying it. There was a piece of placenta that was tiny and I wondered how it could be that small. I thought that was it, that I had absorbed the rest, and kept bleeding. That night I took a blue and black cohosh tincture to help with the process and the next morning I passed the rest of the placenta in a 2x2 inch piece and another little piece. It was the exact color and texture of liver. I felt relieved and the contractions stopped, but I kept feeling random pains like pre-period pains until a few days later.

In all, I spotted 2-3 days and bled for 11 days before it abruptly stopped and I had no spotting. I live in an apartment and froze what I could collect to bury under a tree when we buy a home.

Two good online girlfriends of mine got together and bought a monogrammed mahogany box with Cobweb's initials on it. Its beautiful and was just the side to put my pregnancy tests, OPKs, copy of chart, ultrasounds, and other baby goodies in it. Its something I can hold, and go through when I want to mourn and remember that the pregnancy did happen.

Sorry if this story seems choppy, I just wanted to get it over with.

Edit: Sorry the format is all wierd. I pasted it out of a word processing thing and it went all goofy


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## Azuluna

crappy.


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## FiberLover

This was my first pregnancy. I'm 31. We started TTC about 5 months prior. And got the ++ test right around the 4 week mark.

So happy! My life changed in that small window with a pink line.

I felt like a mom even, taking care of the new life starting to live and grow inside my womb.

Then, right at 9w5d, I came inside and used the toilet after some gardening. Noticed some brown spotting. Worried as heck. Waited til the next morning to call the MW since it stopped and there was no pain.

I was offered Beta tests or u/s. I chose the u/s. We went in, waited. Then, during the transvaginal u/s, no heartbeat, and the baby appeared to have stopped growing around the 7 week mark.

I was devastated. How could my body not know? How could I have been thinking everything was fine? For 2 weeks? My first pregnancy was already a failure. We went back to the MW office. She gave me the choice of waiting naturally or having a D&C. I chose to wait. I wanted to learn to trust my body again (is this even possible, when your first pregnancy ever turns out like this? when your body didn't even let you know when it happened?).

I went home, and cried. Stayed home for a few days and just tried to be. After about 5-6 days I was feeling more like myself....emotionally. But, physically, noting had happened yet.

So, over the weekend, I did some more gardening, spent a day with my husband, started feeling like despite the loss, I can still be me.

Then.

Monday morning, I call my MW office again to tell them that nothing had physically happened yet. She gave me the choice of waiting one more week or having a D&C or taking Cytotec. If nothing had happened after a week, I would have to do either the D&C or take the Cytotec.

I decided to wait, but was scared of having a D&C or taking scary drugs in a week.

I think the fear convinced my body to do its thing naturally. By the time I got home that night, I was spotting, red this time, and cramping. Monday night it got worse, and I didn't really sleep. Tuesday, the same. Worse, and more cramping.

The cramping, was different than the usual menstrual cramps. My whole abdomen, not just the uterus/lower back. And shooting pains that ran from the inside of my vagina and perineum up to the uterus.

The bleeding and cramping continued to worsen, and by the end of the day I was occasionally passing clots of tissue too.

I woke up on Wednesday morning with the worse cramping and shooting pains yet. Bad ones. And, heavier bleeding. For about an hour and a half, I sat on the toilet, rocking, thinking, this is it.

Then, I felt something pass. I wiped. I assume this was the gestational sac. Deflated, about 3 inches long and an inch wide, big, a solid sac, like one large bloody clot. Because I was now 11 weeks, and the baby had died around 7, nothing was particularly distinguishable.

I remember thinking, this must be it. It has to get better now. But, it got worse. Then, 15-20 minutes later I passed a large oval shaped tissue clump, placenta? It was 3 inches long, and more solid than the sac. About an inch in diameter and veinous looking.

Then finally. I felt the pains start to go. I felt myself returning.

I didn't cry at this stage. I had cried for a week already. This was physical. My body did it. I think it all passed naturally. Which is somewhat comforting despite it all. And, the pains, were bad, but in an odd way, my body was doing what my mind did, my heart. And this was real.

Then, I slept. After sleeping I felt like this was it, that now, I could start moving forward again. That the world wasn't in limbo anymore.

I know that I'm recovering from my miscarriage now. But what I don't know is how I can have another pregnancy and not worry, not be distracted by what could be and what couldn't. I know that now, my brain will forever take away that blissful happiness I initially had. And that, is almost as bad as the loss of this first baby.


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## octobermom

I had my first DD in 2002 after about 6 month of TTC other than a small scare at about 12 weeks when we couldn't detect the HB through a dopler (which I now know is normal) the entire pregancy went super smoothly. When she was 9 months we started TTC again. Years went by and nothing then May of 06 I got a positive HPT. We were thrilled. I was also planning to be out of town so I rushed to start prenatal care and at about 6 weeks I had my first apointment. They did an ultrasound and the doctors turns the machine and says this is your uterus there is nothing there why do you think your pregnant?.







Then he says maybe your dates are off and sends me in for a "better scan" and more blood tests. Then the bleeding started I had no pain and it would come and go, in the meantime scans showed "thicking of the uterine wall and cell growth etc but no fetal signs.. mean while my HGC kept rising even doubling and I despite now weeks of bleeding had passed anything. I left for Texas still not having a definate answer it was like my OB couldn't just say its over and I couldn't let go.. My parents also wanting answered payed for one more blood test so I could check my numbers. 24 hours latter I call to ask and the lady tells me congradulations your pregnant. I for an instant was estatic but then I asked my numbers she said your about 4 weeks and that my numbers were 240. I felt life escape my body I knew this day would come, Id been in the 30,000's before so 230 was a no more deneying it was the end. That night I passed several greyish clots painlessly I bled lightly for about 24 more hours but it was then over 56 days of bleeding and my body holding on to hope. It was actually bittersweet I was drained I knew this would be the outcome.







I still morn for my little one that never was..
Then this year March of 07 the "pregnant" appeared on the digial reader while we were activly TTC I'd had a cold an dall my fertility signs had been way off so I was TOTALLY suprised but WAY WAY excited. I was also cautious after my ordeal last time I made two choices 1) I waited lnger to see the doctor as I wanted a guarentee something would be found and not go through all the maybes 2) A new doctor.. At what I estimated to be 7.5 weeks I had my first apointment the doctor was much better and on the screen I saw a tiny shadow witha strong flickering heartbeat.







. I was estatic and the doctor gave an estimate of 6weeks 4 days.. I was a little worrie as my dates were diffrent but I remembered this wasn't an exact science and just rejoiced and we shared our joy with everyone. I was alos told my cervix was a bit irritated and I'd likely bleed a bit so when I did the next day I didn't think much and it son stopped. Then last Tuesday I started bleeding again nothing horrible but something just felt wrong and I called. They got me in with in hours and another ultrasound was done. The baby was instantly found but I saw no flicker







and in the split second before the doctor spoke my heart broke. He told me I see no heartbeat but said his machine might nt be strong enough and scheduled a second scan with better equipment. He said he wasn't optimistic and I appreciated his honestly. I tried not to give up hope though. I had to wait till Thursday for the scan my bleeding totaly stopped and never any pain. On thursday the Tech who legaly cant say anything turns to the nurse and says is her doctor here and tells me wait I'll have him talk to you. I said can I have a ultrsound picture please I know my babies dead but please. He says nothing but presses a button and another image is printed hands it to the nurse and leaves. I'm taken back to wait.. the nurse still holding the photo. An hour so the doctors comes and tells me the news isn't good. No fetal activity growth or HB







. SO for the scond time in two years my baby is gone. He tells me we can do a DnC or you can wait. I said I want to wait. He approves we schedule a follow up in two weeks and as we leave her hands me an envelope clapsing his hands over mine and says again I'm very sorry.
So here I am I haven't miscarried yet no pain or bleeding. I feel numb I can't cry I want to but I can't. I'm just left wondering why...

Deanna


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## JAZZYBELLA

Hi everyone,

I would just like to tell everybody out there to follow your instincts. If something feels wrong there probably is something wrong. I was right at 12 weeks and I had been spotting for about 20 days or so. I was told that this was nothing to worry about. I never felt comfortable with what I was being told, but then I thought that since I am 36 and have never been pregnant, I could be making a big deal out of nothing. Well, I lost my baby. I had horrible cramps and when I went to the bathroom there were huge clots of blood. I must have passed at least 6 of them which were approximately one half the size of my fist. I suffered from extreme nausea and here it is 5 days later, and I am still cramping and passing pretty good sized clots along with a pretty heavy flow of blood. I have an appointment with my GYN on tomorrow. I just feel numb right now, as my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since 1996. I can't tell you how much money we have invested in surgery and fertility drugs. I guess that it just was not meant to be. I would just like to wish all of you the best of luck, but just remember, if it feels wrong, it probably is. You know you better than anyone else.


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## lolo'smom

Found this randomly, adding my story. A lot of time has passed since and I do get spiritual at the end. Sorry if it offends, it was what it was and still is to me. (If that makes any sense)

I got pregnant about 3 months after I went off birth control and checked it at the ED where I worked and was ecstatic. I remember it was thanksgiving and I was working and I had left the positive preg test on the bathroom counter for my dh to find when he woke up but he didn't know how to read it. We all thought that was funny. So we were thrilled, but I had doubts from the beginning. I don't know if it's because I work in the ED so I see a lot of miscarriages or me just being my own worrysome self, but after it was over I think I really knew from the beginning that it wouldn't last. Seemed like every baby magazine I would read I would flip right to the risk article, my dh smoked at the time, that was a risk. My mom and her mom had both miscarried their first time pregnant, that was a risk, etc etc. I checked my hcg levels at work a couple of times, which is just wrong, it just makes you worry more and for what? What is going to happen will happen. Well the levels were normal at the time. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid, like I always am and that maybe this would be the one time that I would think I knew what was going on and I would be wrong and I would still be pregnant at my first prenatal appt. Then I started noticing things, like my boobs weren't sore. I would push on them in the shower and see if it was myself causing the soreness or if the really were sore. And I didn't mind any food or smells or anything. I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I was scared. I didn't want anything for the baby, like gifts, I didn't want to think about names, I didn't want to jinx it. My mom bought the baby a blanket with a little duck attached to it and I thanked her and brought it home and cried. I really just knew something was wrong, but nothing physically had happened yet.

So my mom came to take me to my first prenatal appt at 10 wks and we were excited. I was trying to convince myself that everything was fine. No hb on the doppler, so my OB sent me for an ultrasound. I had to drink lots of water, but the tech couldn't see my uterus well enough for the pelvic u/s she had to do a transvag. I was let out of the room to pee and I remember praying to please let me have this baby. I was so dependent on this baby. When she did the u/s there was just a cluster of cells there. I said, it's gone and she said yes and that she was sorry and my poor mother was in there with me and I know it broke her heart. When the tech left I just cried and cried and I hoped she was wrong. We went back to my OB's office and he scheduled the d&c for the next morning. I wasn't all natural back then and I couldn't bear the thought of the baby being dead inside of me. We went to my apartment and I ate just in shock and my mom told me to sleep and I did. I woke up forgetting what had happened and then remembered all over again. That was the worst moment. It was pain like I had never experienced before. I was just devestated. I don't know how I got through it. Even now, it makes me cry and it has been so long since then but I can see myself curled up on the bed feeling like everything was gone. I called out of work for the rest of the week. They were so great with everything.

The next day, I almost didn't want to go. I knew that once that baby was out of me it would really be over and I was just hoping that maybe they had made a mistake. I wrote the baby a letter to say goodbye. Soon it was over and I just was still so numb about everything. We had the baby blessed and buried through the hospital. My dad came up to be with me and my dh and we all were fine and that night my friend came over to be with us. That helped distract me. I was bleeding but not much. I guess I bled for a few days but nothing really heavy. That weekend we went to my mom's house and watched shrek with my then 4yo neice. I found everything so sad like they sing that song haleigluha (i don't know how to spell) and I started to cry, during shrek!

That night, and i'll never forget, I was reading and all of the sudden it came to me. I realized that I had been really living my life thinking I was in control and in charge of where my life was and I saw that this baby had been a gift to me from God. This baby, this wonderful child, had come to me and then left to remind me that I was not in control and that I did not have to be in control. For some reason I really believe it was a girl and I thought that she had done this for me, for my husband, for my life, to let me see that life will go on and that as much as I try to control everything I am not the final word and I don't have to be and that I need to be thankful for what I have and let go of everything else. You know that saying, let go and let God, I finally understood what it meant. I had always thought I knew, but I didn't really know until then. My mom was awake downstairs and I came down and told her and we both cried together. It was the most profound moment probably in my whole life. And just for that moment it made everything okay. All of the pain of loosing her, I knew it had a purpose and it gave me some sort of strength. And she still does to this day.

I did conceive about 3 months after that and gave birth in December 05 to a little boy Logan. I never felt 100% sure that I would deliver but I never checked my hcg levels. I tried not to stress about the baby even though I did, I tried to let it be and let go of everything. I prayed and gave everything up to God everyday and I was lucky that I was able to give birth to a healthy baby. I don't see it as I was able to have the baby because I prayed on it, but I was able to make it through life because I prayed on it.

I will always remember you, my baby girl, and the love and wisdom you gave me. I will always love you.

Thanks for letting me share my story. It feels good to get it out and share it with women who have been through the same thing. Sorry it's so long.


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## Whittliz

I was 11 week/4 days when I miscarried, but we didn't know that the develpment had stopped at about 5weeks/4 days. I was seeing a midwife and had chosen not to have an early ultrasound.

I started having spotting on Saturday about 3PM and nothing again until Sunday morning. I just had a feeling and some very slight cramping, so an ultrasound on Sunday afternoon confirmed that there was only a gestational sac at hCG levels of 4100. I decided to go home and I had regular cramping and heavy bleeding from 8PM until about 4AM on Sunday. I passed clumps of tissue and bled on and off for about 5 days.

At my follow-up a week later, my hCG was 34 and I successfully passed all the tissue .

I hope this helps! I'm so sorry for all of the women who have had a loss.


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## Wanting2BaMom

I have mixed feelings about reading and posting on this site. Don't get me wrong, it is extremely helpful (in a sad way) to know that there are other women out there that have been where I have been (even though every situation is a little different for everyone). I am a highly sensitive person, perhaps the reason I am a Social Worker, and I feel my heart pour out to the authors of the life stories I have read. My hope is that I do not ignore my own need for self empathy in the process. That is my wish for any readers of my story or others on the thread. To know there are friends among us we have never met, there are angels in heaven who never took a breath, that there are caring people extending their hand to strangers. Here is my story...

I am 33 years old and my DH is 38. We have been together for 9 1/2 years, married 3 1/2 of those. Coming from a single parent family with a Mom who worked diligently to support my sister and I, I wanted to do things "right", or as I saw it that way. I got my degree and even my Masters. I worked hard and had longevity. We bought a house and were fairly financially stable. We had a cat and got a dog (a little practice before the real thing). So last year (May 06) we decided it was time to add a precious bundle of joy to the mix. I have not been on the pill in about 8+ years so I thought I would get PG right away.... and I did. First time! It was a total rollercoaster though. I was so excited we had finally started to try that I was hypersensitive to everything (some probably phantom symptoms, some real). The first thing I noticed was my bbs were larger and darker. My sense of smell was impecable. And, my first craving... well let;s just say I have Cracker Barrel's chicken fried steak at least 4 times in 2 weeks (p.s. I hadn't eaten that in over 20 years as I thought it was gross). I took a HPT about 7 days before my period (or so I guessed since I was horrible at tracking my cycles). It was -. I wasn't even a little sad because I knew I was. I waited and took one 2 days before my ETA of AF. - again. WOW. What was up with this? I began to spot brown. Nothing at all heavy, just noticable when I wiped. I thought, maybe I am not and I am getting ready to start. I will have light brown bleeding a little before I start so nothing new. I had the brown bleeding for about a week which was odd. I took another test... - again. So I went to my sister's for the weekend. I figured we'd be super active and I was sure to start. Friday, Saturday and Sunday... no period. Even after hours of hiking, gardening, etc. So Sunday night we went to the movies. I decided that I would get another HPT and if when I got back to her house I hadn't started, I would take it. I took it. I remember peeing on the stick, setting it down and running to her bedroom to re-read the instructions that I had practically memorized. The time was up. I slithered into the bathroom as if afraid to look. I remember glancing at it. I went to my sister and said I couldn't tell. I gave her the pamphlet (with the plus or minus pictures) and told her to look. She came out after a few seconds and said, "I think you are". I said, "I know" and started crying uncontrollably. We hugged and I was elated that the rollercoaster had come to an end (or so I thought). The next morning I had to leave early to go to work. I was having slight cramping but I figured, I know I am pregnant so it must be normal. I called my doctor's office on the way home to set up my first appt. We set it for that Thursday (this was Monday). My back was hurting a little more and so I asked the PA on the phone, who happened to be my friend since 4th grade and an attendant in my wedding, if cramping and brown spotting were normal. She said it was probably just implantation symptoms. I got home and prepared how to tell my DH. I placed the test into the little WVU varsity jacket I had bought just incase we ever had a little one (which has been my dream since I can't remember when). He saw the jacket, then the test. He seemed a little shocked. We decided to tell our parents on that Sunday which was Mother's Day. We hugged and I told him I had a doctor appt. and was cramping a little so I was going to lay down a bit before work. I laid down and the cramping got worse. I phoned work and said I would not be in. I wanted to get some rest. Pretty soon my back felt as though someone were jabbing me with a knife and I was doubled over in pain. I went to the bathroom and that was when I saw red streaky blood when I wiped. My friend told me not to worry unless it is red blood meaning it is new blood. I was so worried. My husband had left for work and I couldn't get ahold of him so I laid in bed. I tried to get some sleep. I woke up a couple hours later and felt better. The blood hadn't progressed so I figured that was the end...wow was that the most painful thing ever. I went to work the next day adn everything was OK. It happened to be my Mom's b-day. I was getting ready to leave work, got up, getting my stuff together, when all of the sudden I felt what was like a bubble down below. I went to the bathroom, a little blood on my pad, and then I felt it plop into the toilet. I didn't want to get up and look. I knew what had happened, I just didn't want to face it. I got up after about 5 minutes and looked. It was perfectly shaped like a kidney bean. I even asked my co-worker, who thank God is a great friend of mine, to look. I think I was in shock and needed someone else to confirm my feelings. It appeared to be the whole think. Sac, and a tiny spec of grey matter attached to the side. I didn't fish it out of the toilet. I observed it from above and then promptly flushed the toilet. I know it seems harsh compared to the tender care of so many posters here. Again, I think it was my instinct to clear it from my head. I gathered my things and left. I broke down sobbing as I walked to my car. I called my Mom first. I had to tell her that I was pregnant and lost it all in the same day, her birthday. She wanted to come over but I wanted to be with my DH and grieve. I called him but he didn't answer the phone. He was home when I got there and I told him. I cried and he hugged me. He never shed a tear the entire time and that angered me. We have since talked about it and he told me that the way he dealt with it was to comfort me. I had the depressed emotions for about 4 days and then one day I awoke and was like a ray of sunshine shone on me. Don't get me wrong, I grieved for many months and still am sad when I think of the fact that in a span of 2 days I found out I was going to be a Mommy and then lost my dream. I questioned why I didn't wait until after my appt. to tell my DH. Why put him through that pain too. My friend told me, God has a reason for everything and perhaps the reason was so that you could share your pain together.
I waited a whole year to try again and this past May I was 3 weeks late. I had the brown bleeding like before for about 2 weeks so I wasn't as excited or quick to take a HPT. I finally did and it was -. I was like, "Oh no, here we go again!". I knew I was pregnant. The nausea, fuller bbs and hightened smell gave it away. I had bought 2 more HPT to use one night. I had gone to lunch that day with my work to celebrate a recent event. I felt like what appeared to be contractions. I could feel my uterus pulsing. I excused myself to the restroom and nothing. I had stopped the brown spotting at this point but was wearing a thin pad just incase. I got home that night and decided I would take my test the following morning with the first morning urine to see if it is a higher concentration. No need. I went to the bathroom that night and started bleeding. I didn't have any cramping. It was brown and dark red. Odd I thought. I wondered if I was just now starting my period but I knew my cycle was like clockwork and being 3 weeks late assured that I was PG. the bleeding continued like that all night and part next day. I left for my DH grandparent's 3 hours away with dog in tow. Now was the cramping, I was doubled over and had to pull off. I got a bit to eat and cried. I couldn't wait to get there. I told him what happened and we hugged. I didn't cry nearly as much this time. My bbs quicky deflated and symptoms went away. What is wrong with me I thought. I can obviously get pregnant but why can't I carry it more than 8-10 weeks? We decided, against my better judgement, to try again right away. After all, we aren't getting any younger and if something is wrong, it could take a while to conceive and carry. So here I am, charting my BBT, taking HOT and being tuned into my body. My husband told me this morning he had a dream that I was pregnant and I was showing him the sonogram picture (I've never made it that far yet). I find myself a bag of mixed emotions not wanting to get too excited and yet not being able to control my excitement. On one hand I imagine us being great parents and finally telling our family that we are expecting (after all we hear it from everyone all the time - it is hard when you don't tell people your circumstances). On the other hand I am just waiting for MC #3 so that it can be termed "recurrent" and I can see a specialty doctor. It is hard knowing how much you want a child and hearing on the news how babies are thrown away every day in some form or fashion and you just want to scream!!!! I prayed in the shower today and I hope my prayers are answered. Bless each and every one who has been through it, is a friend to someone who has been through it and those who appreciate what you have been gifted!

Glad I didn't get too excited. Was either #3 or a very, very heavy and painful period. Was only 6 days late. At least I have my Fertility Doc appt. now Aug. 30, 07. I can't keep putting myself through this!


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## Caneel

I didn't read many of the replies but I think this is a great resource. I had absolutely no idea what to expect and the information give to me by my doctor turned out to be grossly inaccurate.

The emotions of the first time were so, so deep. It was the worst disappointment we have ever experienced. After #3, we had a son and TTC again, which resulted in a different kind of sorrow that is as deep as the first.

#1 was a D&C which in hindsight, I wish I would have waited it out but we were so inpatient to try again, I don't want to wait. This was a mistake as the whole hospital experience was just bad. The physical recovery was fine.

#2 was twins that stopped developing at around 8 weeks. I had some light bleeding for two or three days then a short but very intense period of cramps. Discharge of large clots and then sack #1 came out (looked like a prune) followed by sack #2 which was still filled with fluid. It was sized between an egg and an avacado - but completely dark red and opaque - I could not see anything inside because of the color.

#3 was no different than a heavy period

#4 occured around 12 weeks. I knew the pregnancy failed at 10 weeks and jointly with the doctor, we decided to give it some time to pass naturally. After two weeks, the doctor recommended trying a drug called misoparoxin (I may not have the spelling right) to induce a miscarriage. I agreed because I wanted to avoid another D&C.

I was completely unprepared for the severity of the cramping and contractions. When the drug started working, I was incapcitated for 3 hours until everything passed. Twice my husband had the phone in his hand to call 911. It was mostly large clots. I felt something large at one point (towards the end) but I didn't see it as I was sitting on the toilet. The sack had stopped developing early on so I knew it would be a mass of tissue without any recognizable formations.


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## Aishah

Well, mine started on a Tuesday. In the morningI was fine, but VERY tired for some reason. I decided to stay home from work that day just to relax and catch up on sme zzz's. In the late afternooen I went grocery shopping. When I came home I was still for some reason very, very tired. So tired I didn't out the groceries away -- I just picked up something to heat up quickly and eat. I was fine until about an hour later, I had to go to the washroom. When I went there was some spotting.

After hearing so many stories, I thought I had better get to the hospital. I called my DH at work and he met me there. I was in tears -- for some reason I just 'knew' this was it. I had a strong feeling that the pregancy was going to be over very soon. At this time I was 14 weeks, so I knew that at this point if there was bleeding it was serious.

I didnt have any pain at the time, just anxiety I guess. I waited about 3 hrs to see a doctor. They did a physical exam and they said my cervix was fine, and they also did a blood test and a urine test. When they came back with the results I knew something was wrong by the look on their face. Apparenrly my HgC levels were low. I basically had to scream just to get them to tell me what they were. They were supposed to be over 100 000 and they were at 3200. They tried to do an ultrasound but they couldnt see anything. So they set me up with an u/s appt the next day @ the hospital.

We went and they wouldnt let me watch the monitor. My DH took a peek, he said it looked like a peanut -- I said it should look like a baby @ 14 weeks. We had to wait for the results in the ER. It took them over 4 hours to call me in. When they did they justsaid 'I dont know if anyone has told you, but the u/s came back and they couldnt find a heart beat'. Well #1, OBVIOULSY no one has told me, and #2, if you are uncomfortable telling patients about bad results, at least dont say it like that! I asked her how big the baby was, she said 8.5 weeks according to the measurements. it is a missed miscarriage.

Anyways, she said I may feel some mild cramping and if it gets bad to come back to the ER. She said most women can miscarry @ home, especially at my age. So that was the plan. Lay low at the house until the miscarriage ended.

I was to go see my OB and she would tell me my 'options' the next day. Problem was, I woke up in extreme pain! I called a nurse 'hotline' and explained to her what was going on, and she said to go to the ER. I still was only spotting. I went and they hopped me up with morphine and a muscle relaxer and sent me home. I still didnt knwo why I was in such bad pain! I have literally dibilitating cramps from my period, but this was 10x worse!

So that night I was fine, until about 4 am. I woke up and it was even WORSE! I tried just relaxing but my DH said he was taking me to the er. I went, and they put me in a room right away. I am still only spotting. They give me soooooo much morphine but nothing helped. I was so scared, I thought something was wrong!! It just kept getting stronger and stronger until I felt a gush of blood. I told my mum to get the doc. They looked and said 'You're not bleeding enough, the fetus still has not passed'. I knew it had! But they didnt even to a physical exam. The pain eventually subsided and because of the morphine, I bascially couldnt move. About 30 mins later, I told my mom that I know the baby has passed and is right at the opening. she helped me to teh washroom and as soon as I sat, it started coming out. I was surprised at the size, maybe the size of a small canteloupe? I had to catch it in a urine stainer. It was horrible, I felt so guilty for him passing this way.

The sac was tough. I didnt try to open it too much. The doc came in and saw I was touching it and they took it away from me. I was sooo upset! They told me the pains I was goingthrough were full on labour pains. I wish they would hav told me that before! I was scared!!! I really thought something was going wrong.

They then did a d & c to be sure eerything had passed.

I wish I had a resouce like this when I was miscarrying, I would have been a lot more informed and a lot less scared.

Sorry for the vent, just typing it all out seems to have helped me a little...
Thanks all!


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## ElyanaPaige

I enjoyed reading the posts in this thread. I didn't get to them all though. I needed info on m/c because their isnt alot of info on the web about what to expect. I'm 11.5 wks right now and I've been to the ob for an u/s at 5 wks and at 9.5 wks.

My last visit 2 wks ago showed that their was a sack but could not see a baby or hear a heartbeat. So for the last 3 wks or so I have been experiencing some on and off dark brown spotting with some stringy clots? Not enough to stain my underware but enough to see when wiping.

My Ob asked me to come back in two weeks on July 13th to see how things are progressing. She may have been a little concerned that I didn't Ovulate when I said I did but I am 99% sure since I was temping and keeping a chart.

Since my last appt two weeks ago I've had some cramping that has recently gotten worse starting in my lower back and moving to the front and shooting down through my legs. I've also had alot of severe headaches.

I have pretty much come to terms that this is my first m/c after having two girls. This would have made my 3rd pregnancy. I am pretty freaked out and scared about the idea of having a d&c and after reading most of the posts it really really has me scared to hear about gushing blood and going to the ER.

In a way I wish the worrying and pain would end. I just want to get passed this and move on. I don't know how long it will take for this baby to make its way out naturally but I have had alot of dreams about having a boy and letting go.

Update: I miscarried on the 12th in the car on a 2.5 trip to IL to visit my parents. It was a horrible experience.


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## imbarefoot

Serious intense cramps for 2 hours. Much more painful than laboring cramps. One on top of another, less than 30 seconds apart. Lots of blood and clots...feeling like I have to poop...And then plop! Entire placenta comes out and inside of that is the amniotic sac and I could even see my precious baby in there. Head, arms, legs, eyes, nose...







:


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## imbarefoot

Also, I had my m/s naturally. I did it in my bathtub. Baby died at 8 weeks, miscarriage happened at 14 weeks.


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## Lexi21070

My first m/c happened in 11/87. I was 17 and had just realized I was pregnant about 2 weeks before. My bf was taking me to the doctors for my first appointment when we were involved in a car crash. I was laying in triage room with my mom when I had a sharp cramp and then I felt something come out of me. That came out of nowhere. I went into a patch of depression and it took me a while to learn to deal with my feelings over what happened.








In 2001 my mom died and I was all alone and went into a patch of depression again but thanks to my best friend I came out of it quickly. But I was really starting to hear my 'clock' ticking. I met my dh in early 2002 and we soon were expecting. In 1/03 we had ds # 1 and in 12/04 we had ds #2- both of those no probs at all.








My 2nd m/c happened 5/05. I was in my kitchen and blood just started pouring down my legs and all over floor. For about 2 hours after that I cramped every 5 min. Then I felt a pop and there on pad was clot that was hard and had gray flecks. Bled for another 5 days as if I had AF. I was only 2 days late so I hadn't even thought to test yet.
My 3rd m/c happened 12/05 exactly 6 days before my 2nd son's 1st birthday. I will admit that I wasn't to happy to find out I was pregnant again so soon but that didn't mean that I wanted a m/c to happen either. Well I had some spotting at about 4.5 weeks; it was brownish. Called and was told was probably implantation bleeding. I let it be. At 6 weeks I started spotting light pink. Went in and was checked; said cervix was closed and did transvag u/s. Said everything looked good and was too early to see heartbeat. At 7 weeks it became dark red spotting. Called and was told to keep an eye on it and call if clots were seen. At 8 weeks it became bleeding not spotting. At appt was told cervix was closed and u/s showed heartbeat was at 137. Told that I may just experience bleeding the whole pregnancy. Skip to week 10, taking kids over to neighbor to babysit, I slid down 2 steps and rammed big toe badly-felt jittery but ok. Headed to work and on way there started having cramps or at least what I thought were cramps(I never had contractions before-I had 2 c-s). When I got there I clocked in and went right to the bathroom, as soon as I started to sit I heard a 'plop'. Before I could move to try and get it the auto-flush toilet flushed!







: Then blood just started pouring out. I got another pad and went out to floor to tell co-workers what was going on and one offered to take me to hospital. On way there, I kept trying to get dh on phone, finally left voicemail. I'm at ER and it takes like 40 min just for them to take my info, then another 10 before they take me back to triage. Meanwhille I am soaking in blood-me, clothes, and wheelchair. When I'm taking clothes off blood is just going all down my legs and dripping straight on to floor. They take vitals and wait for dr. She says after exam that it is still a threatened m/c because there should be even MORE blood than there is!!







Sends me for a u/s does trans vag and sees yolk sac still high up but no baby. Lay there and wait 25 mins to be taken back to room. Dh is finally allowed with me and he is so very upset and worried. They gave me some pain meds so I was feeling somewhat better. I shifted and felt like a huge bowl of jello just squirted out of me. Nurses came in and took it to go to patholgy and cleaned me up. Dr comes in and says that I had m/c-







! and is going to have gyn/ob resident look at me. Standing up to get onto exam table, blood absolutely pouring everywhere. He tries to get some tissue out but can't and suggests a d&c. Sent back to room to be prepared for op, my nurse is trying to put in another IV when I start sweating and saying it's very hot-bp was at 69-gave me something to bring it up. Sent for d&c, woke up in recovery about 5:30A. Couldn't be released until 8:30A.







Thankgod my neighbor understood and kept our boys all night or else I would have been all alone.
My 4th m/c just happened on July 5th. I had a spotting on June 18th it was brownish to barely there and it stopped immediately. On June 24th I spotted light pink for about 3 hours but it stopped after I layed down. Then on June 29th I started bleeding light red to medium red a nd I had a dr. appt for July 3rd-new dr couldn't get in until then had called 2 weeks before. I was just 9 weeks from LMP. He did trans vag u/s and said baby measured only 6 weeks and no heartbeat. Took blood to check HCG and progesterone levels. Of course office was closed for the 4th. I went to work that night but only made it 1.5 hours before cramping started. At 1:30A passed large clot saved it in jar. At 2:30 cramps were starting to feel like labor pains so I left wrok and went home. Went to pee when I got home and passed another large clot saved that as well. It was about 4A took Ibuprofen and tried to sleep. About 6A went to pee and out plopped baby and placenta all intact. It looked just like it did on the u/s. I put it with the clots in the jar in the refrigerator for appt with dr on Friday.







After that I was bleeding no more than that of a heavy period. Went to dr and was toldc HCG was 38,000 but progesterone was only 10 and that they knew the m/c was going to happen. If only Wednesday hadn't been a holiday, I might of had a little warning.







I go back for recheck on 20th. I kept wondering how long it would be for everything to come out. Got my answer on July 11th. Started with contraction type cramps again. About 1P I passed a large piece of placenta. After that the bleeding completely stopped. I think I am dealling with this m/c better b/c I may get some answers when I go back to dr. They will have test results from baby and he is going to run the recurrent m/c blood panel on me. He also is going to change my diabetic diet-could always lose some weight. I'm 255lbs now and I would like to get back down to 210lbs where I was when I got pregnant with ds #1. I try to keep believing that the m/c's were for a reason. That there's a purpose to all this. I sure hope there is!


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## eroslovesagape

I'm so glad I found this thread and read many m/c accounts just before I miscarried Friday 7/13 at 13.5 weeks. I cried, but felt calmed and ready for the m/c after all the reading.

A bit of brown spotting around 7 weeks, lasting a day or two.

Brownish spotting around 10 weeks. My midwife couldn't find a heartbeat but said I had a very tilted uterus (tilted far towards my back).

Spotting continued. No heartbeat at 11 weeks. We discussed m/c and what to expect, when to head to the ER if necessary. Midwife was also warm and caring. Recommended I catch the m/c in a bowl if/when it happened.

Spotting continued for 2 more weeks, then changed to reddish smears, then changed to blood like a light period. The last week there was fresh blood at wipes. The last 2 days I had light, intermittent cramps, typical pre-labor activity for me (I've had 3 normal births). I had a feeling the second day that I'd be miscarrying within 24 hours, which I did.

Cramping intensity increased overnight, but still intermittent. In the morning DH and I discussed heading getting an ultrasound just to see...but my inner voice said no, just stay home, I'm ready for this process- and just then came the first little pop and gush of blood.

Some good cramps and I passed a small, crystal-clear egg-yolk-like sac attached to some bloody tissue. The sac was full and round, sized between a large grape and a smallish kiwi. It was empty! I called my midwife: it was a "blighted ovum," a pregnancy that started but stopped growing pretty early, probably around 6-7 weeks when I had that first brown spotting. She said it was very common. Over the next couple of hours I passed some large blood clots (easy to squish) and last, after a labor-like contraction, the placenta. It was 2/3 the size of a large banana, firm, liver-looking, somewhat calcified.

Emotionally I went into my hyper-logical mode at first, "it wasn't actually a baby, this is a fresh start etc." but later that night I cried for 2 hours. The next day I felt good, spent the day into the evening at a music fest- it was good to get out of the house.

Bleeding was like a heavy period the first 3 days, now at 6 days post m/c it's tapered down to a light period, brownish red. Midwife says I could bleed 2-3 weeks.

The entire pregnancy I had a feeling something was "off." I never felt any energy from the life I supposedly had inside me, no connection, I never felt emotionally attached or excited; when I reached out to connect with the baby it always felt...empty. So not too surprised after all. The fact that it was an egg yolk instead of a 13 week fetus made it a nearly painless event in the end, both emotionally and physically.

So now we're just sitting with the space we're in and will decide whether or not to try again.


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## mamabeck

07/30/2007:
Miscarriage at 10 ½ weeks - Second pregnancy
I am really trying to leave out a lot of the mental emotions my husband and I experienced and just focus on the physical aspects of this. I really needed to hear what was going to happen during this time. NONE of it EVER physically hurt. I was so afraid of the unexpected. While I was miscarrying, I was on Mothering.com reading about other women's experiences. It helped me so much. I hope this helps someone not be afraid. Miscarriage is a birth. If you can accept what is happening, it helps a lot. I believe our baby just went back to waiting to come back inside me and be healthy and grow again someday. My husband and I are at peace with this experience.
I had been lightly spotting light brown blood for about three weeks. At 9:30PM, I went pee and discovered I had soaked my underwear with brown blood. I continued to bleed light brown to dark brown blood for a few hours. I went to sleep and dreamt of miscarrying and telling people I was miscarrying. I woke up around 2:30AM and went pee and was bleeding bright red blood. It was a bit more blood than a heavy period but not alarming. About ½ hour later I began having contractions. They quickly became closer together. At about 3:30AM I needed to concentrate only on getting through the contractions. They were about 1 ½ minutes apart. They didn't hurt, they just required all of my attention, (just like my first baby Ida's birth). I could feel tissue moving down through my birth canal. It didn't hurt. I told my husband that I had a lot of fear and knew I needed to let this go and accept what was happening as safe and o.k. I finally got up the nerve to get out of bed. When I stood up, I felt a handful of tissue come out of me. I was surprised that there wasn't any pain. I went into the bathroom and pulled down my underwear and picked the tissue up. It was a beautiful, bright red color and it was cylindrical. I could hold it with both of my hands. It was shaped like a very wide (5 ½ inches or so across) rubber band. I let this go into the toilet because I was positive it wasn't our baby. I alternated between our bed and the toilet for a couple of hours. Each time I stood up, more tissue came out and there wasn't any pain. I drank some iced raspberry tea to give my uterus and body strength. I birthed more red, cylindrical tissue twice. I knew I should be taking deep breaths but was so afraid. I was never afraid when I had Ida, this was very hard to accept. I finally got up the courage to take a deep breath and more tissue came out and this time I found a grape sized, white, milky sac. I felt very strongly that this was our baby. I placed this in a cup. I thought about breaking into the sac but it didn't feel right to me. I knew it was our baby, and that was enough for me. I delivered more tissue over the next 1 ½ hours, drank more raspberry tea and my husband and I made plans to go visit my parents for a few days. We had said our goodbyes to our baby earlier in the night and we were very sad and emotional. Our daughter Ida woke up and asked where the baby was. We told her baby was gone and waiting to come back again. Her eyes were very big and sad. I felt a bit energetic and did dishes and thought about our baby and a bit later I delivered a small banana sized placenta. I kept this too. I continued to drink red raspberry leaf tea and began feeling confident that I was finished birthing our baby.
My midwife suggested that I take Dong Quai tincture every few hours to help expel any additional tissue in my uterus. I did this and could feel my uterus contracting about ten minutes after I would drink the tincture. I bled (like a heavy period) for two days and took everything very easy. It really helped to visit my parents and have some alone time with my husband when we needed it. My husband made and accepted many phone calls about how we were doing. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone but my husband and mom about everything.
A few days later we came home. It was a bit hard to come home and face more of a reality. We buried our baby in our back yard under four Rosemary plants my husband's family brought to us. We wrapped her (I feel like this is right to call her her) in one of Ida's baby blankets and placed our letters to her in there with her. We both wrote a letter to our baby. I wrote on one side of the paper and my husband wrote on the other side. The Rosemary plant is "for remembrance" and that felt so right to both of us for our baby.
I look forward to carrying our baby again when my body and baby are ready. That might be months from now but that is alright with us. I would like to say that my husband was INCREDIBLY supportive and wonderful. My experience was the best it could be. I am so Thankful.


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## labortrials

I began miscarrying out baby on August 1. I am still expelling tissue. The baby is gone. I know that. The blood is a consistent reminder of what I've lost.

I was "merely" 6 weeks pregnant when I m/c'ed. But I was connected to this pregnancy in an uncanny way. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant. I knew that I was having a boy. And he's gone. And there's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. That's ok. That's what makes me a woman and a mother.

On August 1 I had a couple of spots of dark brown blood on my pantiliner. No cause for concern, right? And actually, a number of women do spot/bleed during their first trimester and throughout their pregnancies with no miscarriage. My SIL & I were bathing our children together and I felt a trickle. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't. There was bright red blood and tissue on my liner. I knew that was the beginning of the miscarriage. I was out of the country but called into my family practice doctor's office. The doc on call returned my SOS and told me that I was likely miscarrying. He didn't really tell me what to expect . . . or really tell me what to do . . . except to avoid pain killers. (I guess that was because that could increase the blood flow.) The bleeding stopped, and I tried to get some sleep. I was hopeful.

I woke up a couple of times that night to use the restroom. Each time I wiped away fresh blood. I knew it wasn't a nightmare. I was losing my baby. The next day (Aug 2), I was somewhat in denial. I wasn't in pain, so surely it was just a subchorionic bleed. We got in the van to visit some family, and that's when it all went down hill. I began to cramp severely and contract. I hurt so bad and couldn't grieve. I didn't want to worry my family. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going in the car. The bleeding was very heavy. That night I expelled a large fleshy mass that looked placental to me. Since the baby was only the size of a sesame seed, I never found him.

One of the worst things about miscarriage is how uncerimonious it can be. We throw away dirty sanitary napkins. We flush tissue down the toilet. Some of us are able to bury their losses and somewhat move on. Very few people knew I was pregnant. For most of the world, my pregnancy never existed. And no one on earth knew my baby like I did.

My body is healing itself and doing its job. Good for it. I'm still bleeding, and even though my friends are worried, I'm not. In fact, I wonder if I'm not actually menstruating? That's what it feels like today, at least. My skin is a disaster. Hormones are nuts. I still cry sometimes.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this experience. What caused the miscarriage? Were my hormones too imbalanced? When can I try to conceive again? Will this happen again? So much doubt. I was so terrified my entire 1st trimester last time, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do that to myself this time. And how am I supposed to approach pregnancy in the future without fear? Faith? I know. Trust? Sure. Well, not so easy for me.

My soul is a disaster area that has been neglected. I was away this past weekend and able to think. Oh, how hard it is to escape your thoughts when you're left alone with them and only them. How to repair the soul? I dunno.

I'm thankful for this "sticky" thread. I wasn't able to consult this resource when it was happening to me, but I hope that our diverse experiences and interpretations of them will be helpful to others. If you are reading this, know that an entire community of women grieve for you and hope that you find peace and healing in the future.


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## hannybanany

I'm so sad reading all these stories, but so very thankful for them at the same time.

I've miscarried 3 times. My most recent loss was at ten weeks, one day.

I started spotting on August 1st. I was at lunch with my friends. Spotting during pregnancy has never been normal, or ok for me, so I called my doctors office immediately. I was in there very quickly getting the bad news and seeing my dead baby via ultrasound. He had stopped developing the week before.

I had been through this twice before, so I thought I knew what to expect. I did, but this was different.

On August 2, just 24 hours after I started spotting I started having insanely intense cramps (contractions?), they were so bad I could barely stand up or walk. I knew it was going to happen. I went to the bathroom and passed the baby. S/he was just over an inch long. I looked at him for a long time before wrapping him up to bury in the back yard.

I hadn't bled much before the baby passed, but for two hours after I soaked a pad every 15 minutes. I drank raspberry leaf tea, and laid on my left side (fortunately my daughter was napping). Every time I had to get up to go to the bathroom I didn't think I would make it. The pain was so intense. I was starting to worry that I was bleeding too much, but just when I was seriously considering calling my doctor the bleeding slowed a little.

I bled pretty heavily and passed many clots during the next week. I had the worst cramps, I started to think that maybe I was retaining some tissue.

By Monday the 13th I was no longer experiencing the insanely intense cramps and my bleeding had slowed to spotting.

I'm still spotting. I still cry. I still don't want to see other people.

I believe my cramps were worse and I bled more during this miscarriage because I was further along than my previous ones. I don't know.

I know that the emotional pain eventually dissipates, but I don't remember when. I still ache from my loss this past April.

We saw this baby's heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, but I still didn't feel like everything was "ok". I was sick as a dog and only wanted to sleep, but still didn't feel like everything was "ok".

Thanks for letting me share my story.


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## HeatherY

It's been more than a month since my second miscarriage and I'm still dealing with it.
Both of my miscarriages happened suddenly a day or two after very very light spotting. The first happened at 10 weeks while my husband and I were out on a date. We had just finished eating and I headed to the bathroom before we continued our date. When I stood up, I felt something drop between my legs. I wasn't too worried, just knew I had to go to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom and sat down, blood just poured out. I was stuck in the bathroom, bleeding. I had left my purse and cell phone with my husband, so I couldn't call him or anyone and it was one of those bathrooms without any stalls. That miscarriage passed naturally.

The second one happened at 17 weeks. I had light spotting again, only this time I called my OB's office immediately and the OB on call thought the symptons sounded like an UTI and recommended I go to urgent care. So we went off to the hospital, and got checked out and the ER dr. did an altrasound and my husband got to see our baby for the first time and we got to hear her (we don't know for certain it was a she, but we know in our hearts) heartbeat again. The look on my husband's face was priceless. The drs. were satisfied that the baby was fine.

The next day I called my OB to schedule an appointment for that week and the first available appointment open was for the next day. The drs did tell me to take it easy--just short of bed rest. I'm usually a fairly active person--I own my own business that is in its infancy stages--so it was painful, however, for my baby's sake, I spent the next two days lying around the house. On Tuesday, however, I started throwing up again--something that hadn't happened since about 13-14 weeks--and had a fever. When I got to the dr., he thought my symptons were the beginnings of a cold.

While at the doctor, we heard the heartbeat again. It was a little faster than the last time the dr. listened to it, but he said that was because of the fever I had and that the baby would be fine. I went home and did what the dr. told me to do to break the fever. My husband went out and got me some chicken noodle soup and we spent the rest of the night relaxing.

During the night I woke up with back pains. I had asked the dr. about the same sort of back pains the week before and he said it was normal, so I didn't worry too much, but as the night wore on, they got worse and worse and closer together. It was to the point that I was about to call and ask what I should do, when I sat down on the toilet (for the millionth time that night) my 17-week baby came out only halfway.

Having had a miscarriage already and being afraid it would happen again, I yelled for my husband to call 911 because I couldn't possibly go to the hospital in a car at that point.

In the ER, they didn't do much, except for let me lie on a bed to pass what was still inside. When they thought everything had passed, I was sent home. We got home at 7 a.m., but I couldn't sleep. I'm not sure how many days it was until I really slept again--maybe 3 or 4. My husband and I stayed home from everything that day and took the day early. I was numb at that point, not ready to admit or acknowledge that my baby was gone.

At about 6 p.m., the back pains and cramps started again, so I called my OB and he told me to head back to the ER to be checked out. It turned out that they found some bacteria in my and when an ultrasound was done (why they didn't do one before releasing me from the ER in the first place, I don't know) it was found that I still had somethings left in. So they gave me antibotics and did a D&C. I was quite frightened to go into surgery, I've never had to have any type of surgery and I really, really had getting fillings done at the dentist and knew this would be much, much worse. I was quite happy to be put out completely and only awoke in the recovery room. I ended up spending the next two nights in the hospital and finally got some sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep. I ended up taking the sleeping pills for nearly a week (I don't like to take any meds, including tylenol, unless absolutely necessary) because I couldn't sleep.

It turned out that the second miscarriage was caused by me getting Listeria. I'm not sure how, but my OB said that it's something that be caught anywhere.

I know I'll be paranoid the next time I'm pregnant, but I'm still hopeful that we'll eventually have a baby. It's a bit discouraging that I can get pregnant so easy, but can't make it through a pregnancy.


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## raspberry.swirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labortrials* 
I began miscarrying out baby on August 1. I am still expelling tissue. The baby is gone. I know that. The blood is a consistent reminder of what I've lost.

I was "merely" 6 weeks pregnant when I m/c'ed. But I was connected to this pregnancy in an uncanny way. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant. I knew that I was having a boy. And he's gone. And there's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. That's ok. That's what makes me a woman and a mother.

On August 1 I had a couple of spots of dark brown blood on my pantiliner. No cause for concern, right? And actually, a number of women do spot/bleed during their first trimester and throughout their pregnancies with no miscarriage. My SIL & I were bathing our children together and I felt a trickle. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't. There was bright red blood and tissue on my liner. I knew that was the beginning of the miscarriage. I was out of the country but called into my family practice doctor's office. The doc on call returned my SOS and told me that I was likely miscarrying. He didn't really tell me what to expect . . . or really tell me what to do . . . except to avoid pain killers. (I guess that was because that could increase the blood flow.) The bleeding stopped, and I tried to get some sleep. I was hopeful.

I woke up a couple of times that night to use the restroom. Each time I wiped away fresh blood. I knew it wasn't a nightmare. I was losing my baby. The next day (Aug 2), I was somewhat in denial. I wasn't in pain, so surely it was just a subchorionic bleed. We got in the van to visit some family, and that's when it all went down hill. I began to cramp severely and contract. I hurt so bad and couldn't grieve. I didn't want to worry my family. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going in the car. The bleeding was very heavy. That night I expelled a large fleshy mass that looked placental to me. Since the baby was only the size of a sesame seed, I never found him.

One of the worst things about miscarriage is how uncerimonious it can be. We throw away dirty sanitary napkins. We flush tissue down the toilet. Some of us are able to bury their losses and somewhat move on. Very few people knew I was pregnant. For most of the world, my pregnancy never existed. And no one on earth knew my baby like I did.

My body is healing itself and doing its job. Good for it. I'm still bleeding, and even though my friends are worried, I'm not. In fact, I wonder if I'm not actually menstruating? That's what it feels like today, at least. My skin is a disaster. Hormones are nuts. I still cry sometimes.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this experience. What caused the miscarriage? Were my hormones too imbalanced? When can I try to conceive again? Will this happen again? So much doubt. I was so terrified my entire 1st trimester last time, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do that to myself this time. And how am I supposed to approach pregnancy in the future without fear? Faith? I know. Trust? Sure. Well, not so easy for me.

My soul is a disaster area that has been neglected. I was away this past weekend and able to think. Oh, how hard it is to escape your thoughts when you're left alone with them and only them. How to repair the soul? I dunno.

I'm thankful for this "sticky" thread. I wasn't able to consult this resource when it was happening to me, but I hope that our diverse experiences and interpretations of them will be helpful to others. If you are reading this, know that an entire community of women grieve for you and hope that you find peace and healing in the future.

I am just shy of the six week mark. I knew I was pregnant 2 weeks ago, but 'visually' confirmed it with an e.p.t test early Sunday morning. I was at work when I felt blood passing. I got up and wiped about a teaspoon worth. I went back to my desk and saw that I still had a tampon in my purse. Thank goodness, 3 hours later I came home and felt more wetness, when I sat on the toilet, blood began to drip and my tampon was saturated. In both instances I had wiped away black stringy blood.

I had already announced my pregnancy to my friends and my closest family. I had even video recorded my HPT results and posted it as a bulletin on myspace. I made my CNM (ceritified nurse midwife) appointment yesterday, it was set for the 9th week. My DH bought me an anniversary (which was Monday, 8.20) gift , it was a book for the baby. Pablo had emailed me just this morning that he was excited about 'meeting' gummi bear. I even announced the pregnancy to my supervisor this morning...sigh

It seems as though I was too eager, yet I was remote. I was still in disbelief that I was pregnant. Why? It truly is a miracle to carry another life, it's makes you think, "How am I capable of this?" Perhaps, my subconscious knew all along that gummi bear (baby's nickname) wasn't going to make it. 50% of miscarriages are the result of a chromosomal defect (i.e. Down's symdrome) so in a way, it may be a blessing.

I am not sure how to work through it. Emotionally, I was numb until I spoke to my husband on the phone on his way home. When I hung up, I began to well up. I guess, we'll manage one day at a time.


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## sarahtar

Well, I guess I feel like writing this out now.

I had a previous miscarriage at 6 weeks, but that pregnancy felt bad from the beginning. This pregnancy felt good, but I was still fairly paranoid. And this paranoia made it easy to ignore when I started feeling that something really was wrong...

August 18 was our first midwife visit, I was 10 weeks, we were going to see if we could hear a heartbeat. We couldn't. Despite knowing that it was still early, my midwife was concerned and I was concerned and we decided to go ahead and go in for an ultrasound. Originally, I had said no ultrasounds, but I caved.

We were able to get in on Monday August 20. And I knew immediately that the baby was dead. It was just too small. I had looked up 10 week ultrasound photos and I knew what we were supposed to be seeing...and we weren't seeing it. And of course there was no heartbeat. And the baby had probably been dead for about 2 weeks (about the time I started feeling really wrong about the whole thing).

So then we waited. By Wednesday, I was spotting. (Enough that, had we not had the ultrasound, I would have known anyway.) Friday, I felt very, um, hermit-like. I didn't want to leave my cave. Saturday afternoon I started having some cramping, like period cramping, that slowly got worse. Worse than labor, eventually. I found myself in the same labor positions - pacing, then stopping to bend over, going on all fours, etc. At some point, I started really bleeding and soon after that, it seemed pointless to get off the toilet.

Two hours later, I called my mw who said she needed me to lay down, so I did, getting up every hour or so to gush into the toilet. Nice. After about 3 hours, it seemed to slow down, and I went to bed, knowing it wasn't over, but hoping.

Sunday, I started feeling crampy again while getting groceries, so went home immediately and started bleeding again. A lot. And clotting, large clots. It just poured out at times. About 3 hours again. By this time, I couldn't walk anywhere without stopping to lay down on the floor every few steps so I didn't pass out.

It let up, then got heavy again for another hour or two on Sunday night before seeming to stop entirely.

Monday, DH went to work, and I got up and did some light housework (picking up). I sat down to chat with my son and when I got up, noticed I'd left a bloody buttprint on the floor (wood, fortunately), apparently the bleeding had gotten much worse without my noticing and I completely soaked through a pad in a few minutes. Called DH home for another 2-3 hours of very heavy bleeding and clotting. Then I passed a very large clot that hurt - it hurt inside, almost as if it were tearing away from my uterus as it came out. I'm certain that was the baby now, looking back.

At the time, I vaguely wondered, but I had lost sooo much blood at that point, I really was not thinking clearly and I didn't have the stomach or stamina to fish it out and look. I wish I had, though. (I have my last miscarried baby and plan to bury it along with some reminders of this baby out in the yard.)

After that, the bleeding lightened considerably, but was still heavier than even my worst heavy periods, and I used to have some doozies.

By tuesday, i was feeling pretty bad and agreed with my midwife that if the bleeding was not significantly better by that night, I'd go in to the hospital on Wednesday, but I ended up getting much better and did not go in.

Nearly a week later, the bleeding is very light, I'm very anemic, I'm still feeling weak and lightheaded and I need to rest a lot, and I have a very very horrible headache. And some lovely giant zits.


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## Degas

I'm only 3 or 4 wks, but 5 HPT said I was pregnant. I've had spotting since Monday - a week ago, but yesterday I started to get period-like cramps and a couple hours after I started to have period-like bleeding. In the middle of the night some clots passed into the toilet - I didn't flush because I was hoping the blod might dissipate and show whether there was tissue. My midwife said I would know if I had miscarried - but I don't. I looked at the clot after and some dissipated - it looked like it could be tissue but I wasn't sure. Before I could go look again in a couple hours someone had flushed it by accident. I've continued to have cramps and period-like bleeding all morning and afternoon today. Is it possible my baby could still be alive after all this? I have prayed and tried to relax, but I can't get any sense of it. My heart is telling me that the baby is still alive, but could that just be my wishes? My brain is telling me that that clot was probably the baby. What do you think? It's Sunday so I can't go see anyone till tomorrow unless I go to the ER.


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## normajean

*hugs* Karen, I hope you get some answers soon.

I miscarried a week ago yesterday. It started a few days earlier with spotting. Like red streaked cervical mucous. I thought it was just because we'd had intercourse, broken blood vessels near the cervix type of thing. I was feeling great. With my other 2 m/c's, I had had a feeling of "impending doom" for days or weeks before, so I figured since I didn't, nothing was wrong.

I emailed my mw just in case, saying I wasn't worried, I'd keep her posted. By Monday night, I was bleeding. It didnt' go away by morning. So I called my mw and she said she thought it sounded like a miscarriage. I cried, and was bummed out. Then the bleeding stopped. I still felt great physically through all this. Called the mw, and she agreed to meet me at my brother's house to check for a HB. DH was away on business. MW was unable to find a heart beat. She looked for a really long time. I was 15 weeks along, and she said even my heart beat was too faint for how much blood flow should be in that area. She could not feel my uterus, but 3 weeks earlier she had both felt my uterus, and had found a strong heart beat at 170 bpm. My son, age six was there and refused to believe her. He said the baby hated that heart beat thing and was just hiding. I cried. I called DH who arranged to leave work & fly home.

That night cramping started, in the morning I stayed in bed. I had a huge gush, and I thought it was blood (when I miscarried at 12 weeks before, it was all a huge gush of blood & clots, all at once.) I ran to the bathroom, and the pad was soaked with water. I sat on the toilet and passed a lot of stuff. DH came in and held my hand. I looked down and there was something stuck to me, hanging. It was gray. I thought it was the placenta or something. I tried to bounce a little to get it to come off, but it wouldn't. I took some tissue to scrape it off, and realized it was my baby. No sac., just my poor baby's face there looking up at me. It was so upsetting, I told DH, and he looked and we cried together. Then he had to go check on the kids.

While he was gone, I got so dizzy & faint. Nauseated. I needed to lie down, but it still wouldn't come off me, so I couldn't get off the toilet. I was yelling and yelling for DH to come get it off me, because I needed to lie down or I would faint. I was going to black out, the room was spinning. He didn't hear me and it took what seemed like forever for him to come. He helped to get it off, and I vomited in the garbage. I went to bed, and he took care of it all. I couldn't look in the toilet. I will never forget seeing the baby hanging there, gray & still. It was not as big as it should have been for 15 weeks, it was slightly bigger than the 12 week fetal model my mw had shown me at my last check up. My mw had told me it would probably give good closure to see the fetus. I feel though that it upset me. I never saw anything with the other two babies I lost, besides blood & clots.

I went to bed, and DH went back downstairs to check on the kids. My daughter curled up in bed with me. My hands went completely numb & my fingers were curling up. I told her to run for daddy & he came in and elevated my legs and 10 minutes later I was fine. I described this to my MW and she says it was shock.

I bled for 1 day and started spotting, then nothing. Then I started having gushes of blood when I'd sit or lay down. After a day of this, I went to the ER. The ultrasound found a 5 cm blood clot, I was still dilated to 1cm, but it was unable to pass, and was blocking the blood flow as well as irritating the uterine lining. When I'd lay or sit down, the clot would slide over and all the pooled up blood would come out. They did a vaginal ultrasound, a pelvic exam, and a bimanual exam. They prescribed methagine and consecutive tests for blood counts. IF they don't drop significantly by tomorrows blood test, I will have to schedule a D&C. However, with the methagine, I have had 3 instances since where I have passed huge blood clots. One was very thick & heavy, and made aloud plop into the toilet. I feel like, and hope its resolving on its own. I want to move on with my life & enjoy my children, enjoy the autumn and the holidays. I have no idea whether we will try again. I don't think I can do this a fourth time.


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## zonapellucida

My very recent experience. There was a pop and rlease of the flid of the amniotic sac. Then a huge amonth of tissue. Following more and more tissue ans my cervix dialated. Over 10 hours I passed a pint of bloody clots and tissue. The remaining placenta hand to be removed from the cervix. It was shriveled and folded in half. Evidence that baby had been dead a while. I drew a few scetches for remeberance, checkd ou the vbery thin embilicus to see there wws no embry still attached and went home to cry.


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## stacyb

i was at 16 weeks and it will be one month tomorrow since we had the miscarriage. i guess this is therapeutic, but just reading everyone's stories and writing my own is still very tough. it's funny, but most of the time i feel okay and then i come upon a thread like this and it gets tough.

anyway, here's our experience. i had a placental abruption and the saddest part was that our little boy was fine until the end, my body was having a problem. it started with some spotting that just got heavier and heavier. when we went to the perinatal center and they did an ultrasound, they said that it was just up to my body whether it would heal the abruption or if it would miscarry.

we hoped until the very end that things would turn out okay, but i think we both knew that i was bleeding so much by the time we got to the hospital the baby would not survive. i was admitted on a saturday afternoon and delivered the baby on sunday morning. it was by far the saddest and most tragic thing i have ever gone through and just writing about it is very difficult. we both got to hold the baby. i didn't have a d and c - i delivered both the baby and the placenta.

i bled a lot that first week and now i have a little spotting.

i just want to say thanks for being a part of this forum. i am not sure how to say this but i will just speak from the heart. i don't think it matters whether you were 7 weeks or 7 months. if you wanted that baby then you have carried it in your heart as much as your body and you have the right to feel whatever is inside you. thanks again for letting me share my story.


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## Mary

I miscarried a little more than a year ago and this thread sure helped me through it. I always planned on sharing my experience here and am just getting to it.

At 12 weeks, we discovered that I had a blighted ovum. I was spotting slightly, had an u/s and found out that there was no baby. My midwife told me to expect a bad period, gave me a prescription of vicodin and sent me on my way.

I remember going through the next week expecting something to happen at any minute, but it didn't. I didn't go far from home, and totally felt like a woman scorned. I was technically still pregnant- had the hormones, swollen tummy, etc, but knew it was for nothing. It was exactly one week later that I started with the cramps. I knew that was it. Fortunately it was bedtime for the kids, so I called my friend and locked myself in the bathroom. I needed to talk to her and know that if I had to go to the hospital, she could come while the kids slept.

Very soon I started gushing blood. It was unbelievable how much blood came out of me. It hurt every bit as bad at labor. I literally couldn't get up off of the toilet- there was no way a pad would hold it. My husband got me a bunch of tabloid magazines (a guilty pleasure that certainly kept my mind off of what was going on). I was up all night bleeding profusely with lots of big clots. Bad period- whatever!

Anyhow, there was a point that it let up a bit. I put on an overnight pad, crawled into bed with a towel under me and slept for a bit- maybe 2 hours. The next day I continued to bleed, but mabye not quite as bad and the contractions- that is what they were- let up a bit too. By afternoon the next day I felt a different sensation coming out of me. I went to the bathroom and a thing plopped into the toilet. It was the placenta. I examined it and didn't see much of anything in it- just placental tissue. It was like a small short fat banana. Once that was out, it was pretty much over. Very similar to giving birth.

The entire next week I could barely function- I was so weak from the blood loss and had a very bad migraine. I went to a follow up appoinment with the midwife that was so upsetting. She was so cold and callous about it and didn't even realize that I had two kids- she said that wasn't in her records. I felt like a lump of meat with this lady. She didn't even take my iron levels or anything- just sent me out the door. I was in no position to stand up for myself. The truth is, with the amount of blood I lost, I probably should have gone to the hospital. I'm glad that I didn't and lived to tell about it, but it cold have very easily been an even worse situation.

I know it's not logical, but this woman really left me feeling bad about midwives. I had a great one with the birth of my second son, and I know there are amazing midwives out there, but I will certainly be more open minded and selective about my care providers in the future. I feel like I had very little to choose from and by insisting on a midwife, I really limited the quality of my care.


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## curlynerdgirl

Exactly 1 month ago, I lost my first pregnancy. All the descriptions in the pregnancy books said that a miscarriage would be like a very heavy period. That does not even begin to describe it for a woman who's never had a miscarriage or been pregnant before.

I was about 7 weeks pregnant and hadn't seen an ob/gyn yet. I'd just changed insurance companies and had just made my 10wk. So I had a name, but had never met the doctor.

Late one evening I began spotting light brown blood. I looked though the books I'd gotten from the library and they all said that if there were no pain, not to freak out, but wait until morning and call your Dr.

I woke up VERY exhausted, like I often do when I get my period. I even slept in an extra 2 hours just to try to get my energy up. I was still spotting, but not much. Of course I was panicked. So I tried to relax, but called the Dr.'s office anyway to see what they thought.

I got an appt. right away and drove of to find this office I'd never been to. I ended up being 10 minutes late because I couldn't find the right building and once I got there, the NP who saw me lectured me for 6 minutes on how me being late was ruining the good reputation the office had for keeping appointments on time. Meanwhile I'm in the middle of a panic attack because I'm pregnant and bleeding! So after being reprimanded by this woman, she gives me a very painful and near-violent pelvic exam and says that my cervix looks fine but she wants and ultra-sound. So in her office, I started crying because she's so horrible and I'm so scared and I felt as if no one cared about what happening to me.

So then I went to the ultra-sound and the tech showed me that the heartbeat was strong, and I got to see the baby. It was tiny, but definitely a baby.

So after that I was told to go wait in the waiting room to see if the horrible NP had anything to say. She didn't, but a nurse in the office promised me that I wouldn't have to see her again. So I was sent home with NO INFORMATION about miscarriages or what to do next.

Later that evening the bleeding increased but still with no pain. I called the office and an OB called back saying not to worry too much since the exam and ultra-sound were good.

A few hours later, I started having cramps. At first, they were subtle and achy, not quite period-level cramps. Then a few hours later, they became worse and I called the office again. Getting a different on-call doctor who said I was having a miscarriage but there was nothing that could be done for me. She said that I had to stay home unless I was hemorraging. The pain then escalated, becoming sever and making me vomit. After the vomiting started, I started going into convulsions, where I couldn't control the shaking of my arms and legs and it was difficult to walk, though I still wasn't bleeding much.

I called the office again to ask for help to ask if there was anything I could do for the horrible pain etc. and the doctor only said "No. Try to get some sleep."

I was hysterical at that point and convinced I was going to die beause I started blacking out. At one point, I passed a piece of tissue that was small and spongy and light pink. I have no idea what part it was.

Once I started alternating between screaming and blacking out, my husband took me to the ER (even though I wasn't bleeding much). Unfortunately, the pain meds and anti-nausea meds they gave me didn't do a thing and I was having horrible contractions. But they did give me an IV for fluids because I'd vomited so much. The very kind attending ER doc did an exam and found that my cervix was only open a tiny bit and there was some tissue just appearing behind it. So I waited and had another ultrasound to see if I needed to have a D&C. I was convulsing so much I felt really bad for the ultra-sound tech since it was hard for her to do it with me shaking so badly.

They determined that I didn't 'need' a D&C, whatever that means, though they never offered me the option of having one. The resident assigned to me came in and did another exam (several hours later) and found that my cervix was opened further, but that the tissue was stuck mid-way, which was why I was in so much pain. So he went in and removed it, which almost instantly ended the bone-crushing, mind-shattering pain. Though through the whole 'removal', I wept because I knew he was removing the last remnants of my pregnancy. Luckily, my husband was by my side, holding my hand and looking into my eyes the whole time, so it seemed to be over quickly. Then, not long after, I passed a quick gush of blood (maybe 4-6 ounces, so not that much I guess) and felt even better.

After that, I was able to rest a bit while we waited for the pathology. It came back as being around 5 weeks, so it had ended 2 weeks earlier. I then had a shot of rogam (sp?) because my blood-type is O-, and was given a potassium drink because my potassium had dropped so much from vomiting all night. We then went home after being in the ER for about 7 hours.

I was furious that the on-call OB just kept telling me to 'relax' and stay home. If I hadn't gone to the ER, it was unlikely that I would have passed the tissue mass without intervention, which could have led to infection etc. My follow up with an OB at the same office was just as disappointing.

I bled for just over two weeks after that and cramping was done after a few days. It took nearly the whole month for my hcg to get back to zero. It was a physically horrible ordeal, and I wish I'd had some information beforehand, however morose that may seem.


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## hasaunders

Let me just start out by saying that I am soooo glad this thread is here.

We had our 8wk OB appt on 9/21. We had an embryo with a heartbeat but the u/s measured us at ~6wks when we should have been ~8wk6d. At first, my doc said she wanted to do a follow-up u/s in 2 weeks but then she came back in and suggested we check my progesterone, which I agreed to, and do an u/s in a week. I had the blood work done and all that fun stuff.

I saw my acupuncturist on 9/26 and the treatment she did on my did not strengthen my pulses like she wanted and I had a pretty good feeling that all was not well.

I had my follow-up u/s on 9/28. The yolk sac was still there but the embryo had completely disintegrated. I am now in what I have termed "pregnancy purgatory". I'm not pregnant but I'm not not pregnant so I'm in limbo, waiting for a miscarriage. I decided to give it a week but I don't know if I want the intervention if it doesn't happen this week. I have had absolutely no spotting or cramping and I have no idea how long it will take before anything happens for me. I hate the waiting.

That being said, I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences. It has given me a lot of support over the weekend while my FIL was here, who is 79 and not real savvy on female issues. My dh was going to tell him but the opportunity never really came up so this thread was the only thing that kept me from feeling completely emotionally stifled. Reading everyone's experiences has helped give me some idea of what to expect. You are all very strong women. Thank you!


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## mrsdouglas5

Well, I still can not believe I am actually writing this out. My dh and I were very happily expecting our second child. Everything was going along just fine. I had the normal vomiting and nausea that came along with my pg last time. On last Saturday, I woke up not feeling pregnant anymore. It is a very difficult thing to describe. I felt very in tune with my body and felt like I had the flu, but was not actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms. My dh took care of me and our 18 month old daughter so I could rest and on Sunday I began have pain on my left side and vomiting a lot-very violently. Monday, I was fine and looking forward to our OB appt to have our first u/s on Tues. We went in and had the pap, did the pee test, everything was great and then our OB could not find a heartbeat on the baby. I was 9 weeks 6 days along. I knew immediately. As soon as she did the u/s I knew. I just had a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, because I had had absolutely no bleeding or cramping, no spotting, nothing-I was holding out hope and trying to think positively. We went back on Weds for the confirming u/s and decided to have the D*&C on today. It is the most difficult and heart-wrenching thing I have experienced as a parent. I believe the death of a child is something that you never forget. I feel like a part of me has died inside. I am walking around feeling like an empty shell. I know I have to continue=I am still nursing my toddler and hope that did not cause the miscarriage, and getting support from here is helpful. I just am so astonished and at a loss because of not having any bleeding. I am sorry so many of us have had to experience this deep and profound pain.....wishing you all the best.
Sylvia


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## mommyfied

I had a rather uneventful miscarriage. It's hard to find stories of this happening, so I wanted to be sure to share mine. I'm not sure if it's not shared because there isn't much to tell, if women don't wait long enough for this to happen without medical intervention, or if it is just very rare for the body to do this.







:

I had my first OB appointment at 12 weeks. We did not find a heartbeat, and my OB doubted I had my dates right (I was sure) and wanted to schedule an ultrasound. I went in for my ultrasound that following Tuesday and I would have been 12w6d. We found only a gestational sac measuring 9w6d. It was starting to break down.

I was sent home and given the option of D&C or waiting. I was willing to wait as long as it takes. And, thankfully, my OB was okay with that.

The next day I started spotting. It was very light, brownish discharge that was never heavy enough to require a pantyliner. (I also want to note that I had similar discharge when I was 6-7 weeks pregnant. I now think this is when I lost the tiny baby.) The spotting continued for 2 weeks and then stopped. I had mild, intermittent cramps throughout those 2 weeks and twinges in my cervix as if it were dilating. But, the bleeding I was expecting never came.

My OB tested my HCG levels and they were already down to 448. I would have been 15 weeks pregnant by then. We tested again two weeks after that and my levels were down to 131. At that point, I was confident that my body was breaking down and reabsorbing the sac. My OB thought this was the case as well. I decided to monitor my body's progress with HPTs from that point. It took another 3 weeks and I finally got a BFN. I would have been 20w4d pregnant when my hcg levels finally dropped below 20.

Throughout the process, I also charted my basal temperature. It started out at post-ovulation/pregnancy levels and gradually stair-stepped down to pre-ovulation levels as my hcg levels dropped. I am now waiting to either ovulate or for AF to arrive. I'll update this post later with the results.

Edited 12/28/07: Since I posted this, my HCG dropped very slowly, averaging 1 point per week. I tested again at around 30w and it was still at 10. I was lightly spotting dark brown globs/strings for about a week and at 30w6d I passed the embryo all by itself. I was shocked and amazed. It had a head and tail, tiny little arm buds... I knew the second I saw it that it was my tiny embryo. I compared its features and size to embryology sites and was able to determine when my baby died - somewhere around 28-30 days. After that I kept spotting, but it was EWCM-like tinged brown. AF finally arrived today... It's the first red spotting I've had since my last AF and fairly light but did have to break out my AF supplies! I would have been 32w2d. Yesterday I had very intense cramps for about an hour, but I didn't pass anything.

I also want to add that I have been breastfeeding my toddler this whole time, so it may have influenced the process... ???

Edited 1/15/08: Okay, so it wasn't AF. I passed the placenta this morning. It was about 3-4 inches long and an inch wide. Completely normal looking and intact. I am surprised my HCG was at 8 a month ago. Hopefully this is finally over. I had some cramping the night before last, with a full hour of intense pain like my cervix was stretching. The pain stopped and I had minimal bleeding all day yesterday. The placenta must have been blocking it because it's back now. I can't wait for the lochia to end. I've been bleeding for 19 days now.


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## mommyof3andcountin

On Sunday, September 30th, I was exactly 18 weeks along, and I started having some brown spotting in my panties. I was a little worried, but tried to stay positive about the situation and went about my normal duties.

Monday the spotting kept up and I got more worried, but was still not expecting a mc because we had heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks.

Tuesday spotting turned red, and I had to start wearing a pantyliner. Was pretty scared, so I called the MW. We got a lunchtime appointment, and no heartbeat. My uterus was "squishy" according to the MW, and so she sent me for an ultrasound. Ultrasound tech was great, very compassionate and said baby was about 14 weeks, and had been gone for at least a week. So we went home to wait.

Wednesday, I started having contractions, off and on all day. Took a nap, my mom took off work to come help with the other kids. That evening, the contractions got really intense, and I had the feeling that the baby would come soon. Went and laid in bed (in pain/contractions about every 5 minutes) for about 2 hours. Angelino, our 5th child, was born at 9pm. Placenta came about 30-45 minutes later. I was on the phone with the mw for most of that time, and she was great. She told me to call again if my bleeding didn't taper off, and after soaking 2 heavy/overnighter pads, it slowed down a lot, and I went to bed.

Thursday my mom watched the kids all day, and I took lots of pain meds. I was still crampy and bleeding, but not as bad as last night.

Friday we had the funeral and burial. It was so helpful emotionally to bury my baby. It helped me accept that he was gone and the emotional support from friends and family was awesome. Bleeding was like a light peroid.

Saturday was pretty normal. Mom took the kids most of the day and let me clean up my house, do some laundry, and rest in between (instead of taking care of kids in between.) Bleeding was almost gone, I was down to pantyliners.

Sunday, there was no bleeding all day. In the evening, I got really crampy again, and gushed in the toilet followed by a big plop. I bled pretty heavily for the next few hours, I stayed up late to make sure it wasn't too much.
15th, 12 days after the birth.)

Emotionally, I'm doing pretty good. I miss my baby a lot, and think about him kicking and stuff right now. We are blessed with 4 living children, and hopefully will have more kids in the future. We are NFPing to avoid right now, for financial reasons, as well as me wanting to wait a cycle or two to make sure it's all done.

Physcially, I'm pretty normal. It was more like a birth than I thought it would be, but the recovery was very different. Eaiser, yes, but sadder, with the cramps & such with no baby.


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## kayshajon

First, I want to express my gratitude for everyone who posted on this thread. Sharing the details of your painful experience helped prepare me for my miscarriage. Usually, everyone is so squeamish to tell you what to really expect, but I found myself craving information.

I went to my 12 week appt with my midwife really hoping to hear the heartbeat. For some reason, a few days before the appointment I started feeling anxiety about this baby and wanted to hear that beating heart to reassure myself that all was well. The midwife tried every possible position but could get it on the doppler. Still not entirely reason for alarm since it was still early. My 2 year old DD stood at my head and whispered "it's okay, don't be scared, it's okay" into my ear and kissed my forehead several times. Even though I tried to stay positive, it just sounded so empty in my utuerus, and I was starting to really get scared.

We scheduled another appointment for 13 weeks to try again, and I went home to try and stay positive. One morning after my morning walk, I found red-streaked mucus on my toilet paper. My midwife told me to rest, take it easy. The next night - I had more spotting but it had small clots. My heart sank and I immediately called my midwife. She confirmed that it didn't look good.

Then nothing all night, and nothing the next day. I tried to stay positive. That evening - the spotting increased and didn't go away. by the next morning I was experiencing bleeding - like a light period. I started to make preparations - have my husband stay home from work, line up people to help take care of DD, stock up on groceries, clean the house, etc. In retrospect, it was a lot like nesting in late pregnancy - that urgent need to make everything ready for a birth. I cried off and on all day, came and read this thread, and got back to work.

Cramping started at 4:45 a.m. on Thursday morning. I was co-sleeping with DD. She woke up at 6:00 a.m. and snuggled close to me - held my face in her hands and kept saying "don't be sad, stay here with me". We hadn't told her anything about the baby. Our friend came over at about 8 a.m. to entertain her so that DH and I could focus on getting through the miscarriage. It was exactly like birth - intense contractions that didn't have much of a break between them. At their worst, at about 9:30 in the morning, I felt a POP and a sudden release of pressure, and started bleeding. I would get up routinely and let blood and clots fall into the toilet. I had originally planned to try and save the baby from being flushed down the toilet - but in the moment it was impossible to seperate what was blood, clots and what was baby.

I had hoped to handle this completely at home - considered it to be a sort of homebirth for a baby who decided to come really early. But I began to hemmorhage badly and my blood pressure dropped. I passed out for a significant period of time - when I came to I told my DH to call 911 as I knew I wouldn't make it down the three flights of stairs to the ground floor of our apartment building. Firemen were there within a minute, and the ambulance wasn't far behind. They got me downstairs and into the ambulance but weren't able to start an IV line as my veins were so dilated. The ER was brutal - their attempts to get blood for testing left me with holes and bruises all over - they even went into an artery at one point which was intensely painful. I was left on that gurney for 6 hours - my back and hips were screaming and most of the time I was in a pool of blood. I wasn't given pain killers as they were worried about another dangerous drop in blood pressure. They did ultrasounds to rule out etopic pregnancy. The OB was infuriating - you could tell he was in a state of anger over the fact that I wasn't in the care of an OB prenatally, and that I was "stupid enough" to try and handle a natural miscarriage at home. He came to tell me I had lost the baby (DUH! - I told you that when I entered the ER!) and to reassure me that (1) there was nothing I could have done to prevent this miscarriage and (2) there was nothing I could have done to cause it _unless I used a knitting needle_














He ordered two cytotec for me and informed me that I wouldn't be eating or drinking all day until he could rule out the need for a D&C at around 6 p.m. that night.

I got transferred to a room at around 5 p.m. I was made much more comfortable by the nurses and was allowed pain meds, and they kept me CLEAN. The OB didn't come back until just before 9 p.m. which also meant that all the places in the hospital that served food were either already closed or about to close. DH sprinted downstairs to get sandwiches for me from the last shop open and got there just in time. I wasn't about to let that OB perform surgery on me - he made several comments like "you didn't take enough folic acid and that could have had an affect on this pregnancy" and "with all the issues you have going on, you really need to see an OB." first he tells me in the ER that I didn't do anything to cause this - then I didn't take enough folic acid? Or if I had been seeing an OB things might have turned out differently? What issues? In every single questionaire I filled out, the answer to any medical issue was "NO". I'm completely healthy and had a miscarriage. These things happen. I was so angry with him. In a way it's good for me to have someone to be angry at - I can't be angry at myself or this baby, so I'll just take it out on that jerk.

I left the next morning after receiving the Rhogam shot. (in the ER when I told everyone I needed Rhogam - the OB asked "are you in the medical profession?" As if only someone with an MD after their name could know this!) I'm supposed to follow up with him in two weeks, but am following up with my midwife instead. that man will not lay his hands on me.

I was really sad that I wasn't able to distinguish between what was the baby and what was the clots & tissue. In the end it all went down the toilet. But I do remember feeling a real sense of relief as I walked out of the hospital that I didn't leave my baby there. Even though my baby isn't really at home with me - it's spirit is here, where it should be, with it's family. We'll find someway to honor it's short life.


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## thumpertwinkle

First of all I would like to say how grateful I am for this thread because as has already been mentioned a miscarriage is nothing like a heavy period and I think it is very misleading and unfair for people who are about to miscarry and people around them to think that is what it is like.

Due to all the information saying it is like a heavy period I thought I had had my miscarriage when in fact I had not.







:

In the evening of Tuesday 2/10/07 I had some red blood on TP when I wiped twice and some clear mucus, this freaked me out a little, the following morning there was some brown streaked mucus when I wiped so I decided to phone the Antenatal department of the hospital for advice, they told me to phone the EPAU (Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit) who asked me to go in for an u/s. I was 10.5 weeks pregnant. I asked my sister if she would come with me as my DH was at work. The u/s was awful; I had a trainee sonographer scanning me who was being instructed by a consultant, two nurses were in the room and my sister. I was unable to see the screen and nobody was saying anything apart from the consultant who was giving the trainee instructions, I was looking at people's faces to try and get some idea what they were looking at. I heard the consultant mention moving away from the placenta so I thought 'oh it must be ok' for some strange reason but then a nurse rubbed my leg and asked if I was ok, I knew then. The consultant swapped places with the trainee and asked me when I had got my BFP, I told him 13/8/07, he then told me the baby had stopped developing at 6/7 weeks. I was given the option of waiting a week and returning for another u/s to see what was happening or taking a tablet there and then to help empty the uterus, my head was spinning and I just wanted to leave the building, I wished I had not gone for the u/s, I wished I had gone to work, everything would have been o.k. then!

I had no more spotting. On Saturday 6/10 I started to bleed, just lightly, on Tuesday 9/10 I returned for another u/s with DH, this time I was scanned by a female who was much nicer and made me feel more at ease. She said there had been no change, gave leaflets about m/c and told me to return in 2 weeks if nothing had happened and to return for another scan if I passed the sac in the meantime. My bleeding was still only light at this point but it did progress over the next few days to a heavy bleed, it was then that I passed a clot of about 3 inches long into the toilet and when I called my DH to take a look we both thought that must be 'it'. That was Friday evening so I returned to the EPAU on Monday with my sister expecting to be told that I had had my miscarriage, but to my utter shock the whole sac was still there as large as life. I could not believe my eyes, I had passed clots and bled heavily for 3 days and it was still there, my bleeding had tapered off now to next to nothing. They told me that they would give me another week to miscarry naturally and that it sometimes happens like this and that I would 'know about it' when it does happen. I thought what on earth do they mean I will 'know about it', I had to search the Internet to find further information so I knew more about what to expect. That was when I found this site and this thread.

A week passed and nothing else happened so on Monday 17/10 I returned to the EPAU for another u/s to see what was happening in there, the sac was collapsing and I was given the option of waiting 1 more week at the longest or intervening with either medication to bring about the m/c or a surgical evacuation. I choose to take the medication; I was given a tablet of Mifepristone that day and told to return to the ward on Wednesday for further medication. I found the forms I had to sign very distressing, I had to sign consent forms for the cremation of remains and for taking the medication which got to me as I knew the medication is known as 'the abortion pill', it felt as if I was having an elective abortion.

On Wednesday my DH and I went to the EPAU at 8am, we were given a private room and bathroom, I had to use bedpans for everything inluding used TP and sanitary towels as the nurses had to inspect them because I was to stay in until I had passed the sac and the bleeding had slowed down. The nurses were very nice, I had got to know them due to my many visits over the past few weeks, I was given 4 tablets of Misoprostol (Cytotec) in the morning and warned that they would bring about strong contractions and I could start passing clots anything from the size of a 10p coin up to the size of a palm of the hand. I did begin to get contractions and I began to bleed which was much thicker and a darker red than what I had previously been losing. 4 hours later I was given another 2 tablets of Misoprostol, as the dose I had been given in the morning had not brought about the m/c. The contractions got stronger, the bleeding got heavier and I started passing clots, I was told I could have pain killers but I did not want any, at 3 in the afternoon a nurse came and said that the ward closed at 5.30 so they could transfer me to another ward for the evening or I could go home if nothing happened before then, I said I wanted to go home to my other children. About 30 minutes later I suddenly felt very 'wet', when I went to the bathroom my night time sanitary towel which I had been wearing about an hour was soaked and as I sat on the toilet (which was fitted with a bedpan to collect things in) I felt something come out of me and when I wiped there were many clots. In the bedpan was a large clot that I thought looked like maybe was the placenta. I waited for the nurse to come and say it was but she didn't. Instead she came in to say that they were going to keep their eye on me for a bit longer before I could go home as I had started to bleed heavily. Next time I went to the bathroom the bleeding had slowed down a lot. The nurse came to see me and said that as the bleeding had slowed down if I still wanted to go home I could but she warned me that if the bleeding got heavy and continued that I would have to return. I was given a follow up appointment for Friday. It took us about 40 minutes to drive home, as I stood up out of the car I felt something coming out of me and was scared to move for a minute. That evening was rough, I was passing clots and changing sanitary towels every 30 mins. I even bled through one onto the sofa when I fell asleep for half an hour! We went to bed at around 11.30, I was so tired, my DH wanted to go back to the hospital but I didn't want too, looking back I really should have as I felt so dizzy and light headed and I was scared of going to sleep in case I did not wake up again. I fell to sleep and awoke early hours of the morning, the bleeding had slowed in the night, when I went to the bathroom there was a loud 'plop' in the toilet but I was so tired that I did not look I just flushed so I do not know anything about that. I went back to sleep. I got up at 7.30 the following day to get the children off to school, I felt dizzy and light headed still, my DH asked me if I wanted him to stay home but I insisted he went to work because of the money, I went back to bed at 8am. I awoke at 10.30 and went to the toilet, the bleeding was heavy again and I was passing lots of clots, one in particular was quite large, I managed to retrieve it, it was very smelly and had what looked like disintegrating skin over it, I think that was the sack but due the smell and the way I felt I threw it into the toilet and flushed it away. I decided to get a warm drink and something to eat as I thought it might make me feel better. I sat on the sofa while I ate my toast and drank my drink, as I sat there I could feel a popping sensation in my vagina, when I stood up I had soaked through the fresh towel and my clothing onto the sofa (good job its leather). I went to the bathroom, by this time the blood was running down my legs, I phoned my DH and told him I was having a shower and if after that the bleeding was not subsiding I would go to the hospital. Luckily enough it did, very strange how it just seemed to slow down like a tap being turned down. I passed a few more small clots during the day.

On Friday 26/10 I had a scan which confirmed that I had passed the sac and all of the other products of conception.

I am now feeling extremely sad again, like I did when I was first told the pregnancy was no longer viable. I never realised what a traumatic experience both physically and emotionally miscarriage was, even in the early weeks.

If that is a heavy period i feel sorry for people who have them!!


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## careycpuumala

Here is my story, long I know, and I am sorry...

On Oct. 16 I came into work and my boss was already there. She asked me to have a seat in her office then told me that she was going to have to let me go. I am not going to into any details about what happened because that would take hours, but I was of course upset because I had just found out I was rpegnant and now our income was being cut almost in half for something that wasn't even valid. I went home in tears, crying all the way home. I sat, in shock, for about 2 hours or so and then got up to use the bathroom. When I wiped there was a little tiny bit of blood and a long clear mucusy string. I didn't totally freak out because I figured that it would be normal time for a period to start so some spotting is to be expected. Well, I was chatting on-line with a friend that is also pregnant and due in January. I told her what had happened and she suggested calling the doctor, so I did. I spoke with the nurse and she said that it all sounded normal to her, but if it continued to call them right away and come in to see someone. The spotting was off and on thru the rest of the day and seemed to be gone by morning. I was so tired that I couldn't really do much of anything accept take my 3 yr old to daycare and come home and lay in bed. Then the spotting started again, so I called the nurse and scheduled to go in the next morning.

After that u/s everything looked great, the baby had almost doubled in size from a week before! That was very exciting! They told me that because I was spotting "old blood" it was ok and normal, but if I had any "new blood" to call them and come back in.

The spotting continued off and on for the few days and Saturday I had new blood. There was only a very small amount and there was no pain for I kind of shrugged it off. I didn't want to be paraniod. But then on Wed I was **** spotting and there was more new red blood in it was I called again. I went in on Oct. 26 and the u/s showed that the baby was doing great with a good strong HR and there was nothing to worry about. The bleeding could have been caused from my placenta being lower then my cervix. After reading about it on-line I now know that that doesn't usually happen until you are more like 30-35 weeks, not 9 weeks.

On Sunday I was not feeling good at all, I had been having a very hard time eating most anything from mid Sept and today wasn't any different. I was in bed most of the day, still with minor spotting. At about 5:45pm I was on the toilet for the umteenth time that day and started feeling dizzy and light headed like I was going to pass out. I took all my energy and screamed for my husband and the next thing I remember he was standing over me as I laid on the floor asking if I was alright. I had blood on my nose because I face-planted right into the bath tub, which did not feel good at all! I don't suggest passing out while on the toilet! I had remembered my mother mentioning at some point in time that she passed out too when she was pregnant so I called her and asked her why it happened to her. She said that it was from a rapid drop in her BP. I had taken my BP right after I passed out and it was very low, and having high BP already, I just figured that was what it was from.

The next morning, Oct. 29, I woke up very tired and just kind of sore. I did just take a bath tub to the face so I didn't think too much of it. I got my 3 yr old to daycare and came home and went back to bed. My cousin was coming over after work to sit with me and help out with the 3 yr old until my husband got home from work. She got there about 3:45pm and I got out of bed then. I sat on the couch and just did not feel good at all. Then I started to get a little crampy. Well, within an hour my little crampy was almost constant and my spotting was starting to get a little bit heavier. I send her to pick up the kid from daycare and while she was gone I called my husband and asked him to head home because I was having cramping and might want to go to the hospital when he got home. Well, not even 5 minutes from the time that I hung up the phone with him I called my cousin and told her to just honk when she got in the driveway and take me to the ER.

When we got to the ER it was packed, of course. I filled out their little piece of paper at the desk and they told me to wait in the waiting room. I was in so much pain and so light headed and dizzy that I just laid on the floor in the hallway. They nurses didn't like that too much, but I didn't really care. They finally checked me in about 15 minutes later and then sent me back to the waiting room. After my husband got there, my cousin took the kid home and I really thought that we would just be like an hour or so behind her. Well, at 7pm they took in into a little room to interview me and they gave me some Morphin for the pain. At that time the blood started really flowing. I then sat in the waiting room for another few minutes and they took me back into an exam room. The nurse told me to undress and when I stood up blood just gushed all over the place. I was mortified and my husband was, well I don't really know what he was, but he sure wasn't ok with what was going on. I laid on the bed and waited for the doctor. They took me back for some u/s, which took about half an hour. The sonographer told me that I was redecorating the room with all the blood that I was leaving behind. I know that it wasn't really a time for humor, but it did help me to relax a little bit. When I got back to my room where my husband was waiting for me, I knew that I had or was losing the baby.

The nurse came in and was preparing for the doctor to do an exam when I could feel the baby pop out. I told her that I felt it. When the doctor did the exam he placed the baby into a urine collection cup, but I didn't realize that at first. When he told me that yes in deed I was having a miscarriage and they started to clean up underneath me and throw away the bloody pad, I started to cry. All I could think was that they just threw my baby in the trash. I was horrified. But, then when the doctor left the room the nurse asked if we would like to see the baby and I had a feeling of relief. My husband of course was quick to say no and I didn't think that I would want to see it either. Now that I read thru all of these stories on here I realize that I really did want to and I should have looked at my baby.

At about 11pm, after two more exams the doctor gave the ok to go home. When I stood up for get myself cleaned up and everything I started to feel faint. I grabbed my husband and said "OH no, I'm going down." I layed on the bed just as I passed out. The nurse came in in a panic. To make this part short, I was so dehydrated that they had to put 3 liters of fluid into me then finally feeding me I was ok to go home. It was now 5:30am. Talk about a long night.

After I got home I passed another very large clot and continued bleeding for a couple of days. I finally felt like I had the energy to get out of the house for a while on Friday and that helped to move things around and I feel like everything has passed now. Because my hcg levels were still very high, I have to go in once a week until they are down to normal before we can start trying again, but the doctor said that physically I am fine and ready to go as soon as I am emotionally.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Now, the reason for the miscarriage is still unclear, but I don't know if that will ever be clear. I do know that if my husband and I would not have been stuck in that hospital room for 6 extra hours we would not have been able to deal with this as well as we have. We talk about it all the time and I was actually able to type all of that without a tear. I know that we will have a baby when it is our time and it was so easy to get pregnant the first time, I really hope that we have the same luck next time. Only next time will be right and we will have a healthy baby to love and our 3 yr old can play with him/her.

So, my advise to anyone that has to go thru anything like this, don't be afraid to talk about it. And don't forget that your husband is suffering too. Even though his pain is not the same as your's, he is hurting. Not just because of the loss, but because his wife is hurting. So love each other and help every experience bring you closer together.


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## Halfasianmomma

Here's my story; I'm right in the middle of it now so it's very emotional to write. Frankly, I'm not quite sure if I'm even allowed to be sad about it or not.

I've been on the pill for 14 years. I met my hubby 3 years ago, and we've been married for a year and a half. We waited a long time to have a baby because we were both not working steady jobs, and we were living far away from family. We finally moved to Montreal in July, and since we both got steady jobs right away, I got off the pill 2 months ago. I was told by friends that it would take up to a year to get pregnant after being on the pill for so long, so I wasn't worried.

About 8 weeks ago, I started having really sore breasts, and I was noticing that they were getting larger. Being half-Asian, larger breasts are noticeable RIGHT AWAY, so I had a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant. A week later though, I got a short 3 day period, so I thought "Oh well". Since then, I haven't had a period and I had started having problems eating. Overall, I felt tired and cranky, and my breasts were really getting sore. My hubby bought 2 pregnancy tests which I took last Wednesday. They both turned out positive, and suddenly, I was petrified. I'm 30 and I've never been pregnant, so I felt somewhat at a loss. We talked about our options and how we could afford to do this. After the initial shock wore off, I was starting to be happy. I also started to be severely nauseous, not just in the morning, but every single minute of the day.

I was happy though; being nauseous had a purpose and I was FINALLY going to have a baby after waiting for so long for the "right" time in my life.

On Friday, I went to lunch with my hubby and right after eating, I noticed that my nausea disappeared completely. I had also been having mild cramps on either side of my pelvis, where I estimated my ovaries to be. It felt somewhat like period cramps, so I started to worry.

To make all this more frustrating, I couldn't get the OB/GYN that I had been referred to, to even return my calls. The Quebec medical system is sorely lacking in the area of pregnancy and birth, and all I had been able to get was a quickie appointment with a CLSC doc who told me I didn't need a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. After arguing with a receptionist at the CLSC and then seeing a nurse, I was told to go to the hospital and tell them that I *thought* I was pregnant but that I was having pain. I told my hubby to stay home with his son because I didn't want them to have to wait for hours with me...big mistakes as it turned out.

I was seen right away in Triage by a very nice nurse who took lots of blood and urine. After that, I was placed in a room and told to wait for the doctor to come see me. I tried to wait patiently; I knitted; I did some yoga stretching; I went to the bathroom several times. I even slept a bit. FINALLY, a very abrupt doc came in and asked me questions. I kept up the story that I wasn't sure about being pregnant (even though I'd done 3 home tests), and told him I had pain in my abdomen. He did a pelvic exam, and told me my pregnant test results weren't back yet. He was nice enough to ask if he could get in touch with my hubby, so I gave him his email (our house phone just happened not to have been connected on Friday as it should have been). He left and then ANOTHER hour passed while I got more and more hungry. I asked a nurse if I could eat something, but she told me that I couldn't since I was going to have an ultrasound. The doc finally came back to tell me that I was pregnant, but he didn't sound very happy about it. He told me there was a good possibility that the pregnancy was "in the wrong place", or that I was having an ovarian cyst.

I was wheeled up to Radiology, where I was seen immediately. Right away the technician and the radiologists determined that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I was starting to feel a bit hopeful. I dared to ask him how pregnant I was&#8230;he said "almost 12 weeks, but&#8230;". Then he started to tell the technician that "something was missing". I tried to ask more questions, but they wouldn't answer me.

They finished with me, and wheeled me out to the hallway where they left me there while they turned off all the lights. I was REALLY wishing for my hubby then. The medical transport guy came to fetch me after 10 long minutes. I was placed back in the ER hallway again, and the doc, looking much more concerned for me this time, came to tell me that an OB/GYN would come talk to me. I could tell that he felt really bad for me because he kept coming over to pat my head and give me Kleenex while I sniffed away. I knew something was wrong.

FINALLY, after a useless interview with a 3rd year medical student, and a quickie call to my parents to ask them to email my hubby and tell him I was still at the hospital, the OB/GYN came to see me. She told me my pregnancy wasn't viable and that I had a blighted ovum. The ultrasound had only seen an empty sack, about 4 weeks developed, instead of the 12 weeks it should have been. Tears starting pouring down my face and she told me that even though I wasn't bleeding at all, I'd have to abort what was inside me.

To make all this worse, when I called my parents to ask them to come get me at the hospital, the first thing they said when they got me in their car was "we don't think it's a good time for you to have a baby."







I felt as though they were blaming me for getting pregnant and for having this miscarriage, as if at 30 years old and married, I wasn't able to decide when to conceive! I lied to their face and told them that it wasn't a planned pregnancy, just so I could avoid the arguments. I was too busy crying. When I got home and told my husband the bad news, he was kind and comforting and told me we'd do whatever it took to get pregnant. He was nice enough to email my parents and told them I was doing ok. They responded back with "Thanks for reassuring us. By the way, we don't think it's the right time for you guys to have a baby." This started a whole lengthy back and forth email argument between my hubby and my parents, which I am desperately trying to ignore so I can focus on what's going on with me.







:

I don't even have the strength to be angry with my parents. I wrote them a short note telling them that I'm too busy grieving to deal with all this crap, and to keep their opinions to themselves.

I'm supposed to go back for a blood test tonight to confirm that my hormone levels are in fact dropping from the 5000 they were on Saturday. After that, I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to decide with the doc what I should do. . I'm being given the choice of a curettage or taking some medication and having the miscarriage pass naturally. Having seen my mother go through a curettage, I don't think I want to go that route&#8230;Anyone have any advice on that one? Is it very painful? What do I do?!!


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## ninefirefly

After spotting for a few days and some light cramping I found out last Saturday at the ER that my baby had no heartbeat. I was not strong enough to wait and have the m/c naturally at home. I got my d&c on Monday. The doctor let me see what she got out and it was amazing how much blood and tissue there was. She said I could try again as soon as we wanted but I can't face it for a few months yet.


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## cyrusmama

Another thank you for the thread, I will come back an edit this post with my story tomorrow.


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## mama naturale

Fantastic idea for a thread. I know it would have helped me to know what might be normal.

I have had a few miscarriages but usually very early on. I know because of the material that comes out of me.

When I had my first miscarriage I saw what I could only describe as bodily tissue. I didn't have many clots. I had a D&C so didn't see anything else after that. I lost at almost 9 weeks.

With my last miscarriage, which was last week. ( I still need to grieve.) I again was 9 weeks. I knew I was going to lose. It started with bloody mucous, 2 days later I started to bleed very heavily, so much so I was lying down in bed on towels. A few days later I got up and when changing underwear (and coughing) something fell to the floor. I screamed. I thought it was a placenta but now realise it was the foetus. I had some severe cramping but thankfully it wasn't constant. I went to the doctor to see if there was anything left inside. There wasn't. All up I bled for a week.


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## lizzylou

Mine started on a Friday afternoon. I was 6w3d. I went to the bathroom and saw a tiny bit of bloody matter in the toilet. I knew that some spotting could be normal, but I also just knew that this wasn't good. For the next few hours, I was ransacked by cramps. Again, I knew this couldn't be good.

I didn't bleed too much that day, but the cramps continued. I bled more the next day, and that's when I started passing tissue. Again, I had terrible cramps - taking up to 5 ibuprofen at one point. On Sunday morning, I felt something pass. I thought it was a big clot so I went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I heard the sound of something hitting the water. I only got to look at it a few seconds before it slid down into the toilet beyond my gaze. It was the size of a large thumb, or maybe the size of a large jalapeno pepper. It was reddish/pinkish and it looked smooth.

After this the cramps subsided. I continued to bleed lightly for about a week.

I was so afraid of the process of miscarrying. I was so afraid that seeing the tissue and placenta would just make the situation even more difficult. As if losing a pregnancy isn't difficult enough, the actual process of miscarrying just adds insult to injury. In the end, it was a very sad experience but it wasn't scary. In a weird kind of way, I feel like a much stronger person for having experienced it.


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## heatherweh

Thank you all so much for posting your stories. I have searched and searched to find a home on the net now that I'm miscarrying. I really needed you all, other mothers who have gone through this. I just found out yesterday that all is not right with my pregnancy. I had some light brown spotting and went in for my first doctor's apt and an u/s. I am 9 weeks pg. As soon as I saw the u/s I knew that it was not right, I couldn't see baby at all. The doctor lost his jovial manner immediately and as soon as he handed the wand to the u/s tech she fled the room. He said there were two options, that I was earlier in the pregnancy than I thought or that things were not progressing as we would like. I told him I was sure of my dates and I was definitely 9 weeks along. He said that the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I was completely stoic and numbly made my way to the front desk, set up a follow up apt, then walked to the hospital and waited and registered and got my blood drawn. When the blood tech asked how I was I immediately broke down and started crying and cried through the whole blood draw. Ever since I found out I have been spotting. It progressed from light brown or pink to red. I've had a couple clots so far and some bleeding and a couple random strong cramps. Not too much. I am feeling devastated, I cry and then am OK, then cry. My 17-month old son keeps me distracted a lot, which is probably good, but then I wish I had time to just wallow in my sadness too. I needed this post so that I could know what to expect. I will write again when the process is complete and be one more story that might help someone else who is at the same place in her life. I have another appointment in 2 days and then they will do another u/s to make sure, but I know that the baby is gone. I am hoping that everything will pass naturally and not too horrifically, I want to avoid a D&C at all costs, unfortunately DH does not agree with that, but we'll have to work that out. I just can't think of it all right now, I hate having to deal with this, having to face the reality of it. It is so unfair to have to make these choices, sorry, no more ranting on this board...

UPDATE: Bleeding, cramping, and clotting steadily increased throughout the week. It is over now. I drank 2 Emergen-C's today because the midwife recommended vitamin c intake to help things along. I had a couple large clots and some very painful cramping. I took an oxycodone to help with the pain, but much as in labor it made me feel lightheaded but didn't help the pain where I needed it. I felt something slide out into my underwear, it didn't hurt. I went and looked and it sort of looked like a handful of cherry pie filling. I examined it further, it is sort of longish and dark red and thick and fibrous. I didn't see anything that looked flesh-like or veiny or anything. I didn't know what to do so put it in the toilet but didn't flush. I went out and told my husband it was over and asked what he wanted to do. We decided we might regret just flushing it, so I fished it out and we made a little bed of soft tissues in a winnie-the-pooh box and put it in there. We are going to plant a weeping willow or something tomorrow and bury the baby there. I may write a letter to the baby and put it in the box. I am now having some sharp kind of pains that seem to be in the bowel. I am not bleeding anymore and feel like it is done. I am thankful that my body was able to take care of things on its own.


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## samegirl_24

I can say that your stories are unbearably sad, and comforting at the same time. I never thought I would go through anything like this before. To read similar situations and also how you've gotten past it.. that you've had babies since, it's a great comfort.

Mine happened not so long ago. Long enough ago to be healing, still not long enough to stop crying once and a while at night. No one ever can explain to you how bad this hurts. You can read it, watch it on tv, have it happen to someone you know, but my god there is nothing like this. You go from the butterflies of I think I am pregnant, and the rollercoaster that is, you find out you are, you plan, you get excited, you get nervous.. happy, you tell people, it's a lot to have given to you. It's even more to have it taken away.

Everything was easy going, normal. I was approaching 8 weeks. My body was feeling different.. I was so in tune with everything. So when that first odd sensation happened.. in the back of my head I just knew it was not good. Over about 5 days I started bleeding more and more everyday. I got the worst cramps of my life the night before it officially happened. Before I used to just think of my body as.. nothing really. I'm just here, living, working, sleeping.. the usual. After I became pregnant, I was amazed at what I and my husband had created. What my body had done, the happiness I finally felt when I looked at it in the mirror.. I felt justified. Not that I was empty feeling before, not at all, I just didn't know that I could feel this way.

The bleeding started out very light brown, it turned darker everyday until it was brighter than my menstrual blood usually is. It's the most helpless feeling. It's nature. You cannot stop it. I spent the day of the miscarriage at my job, feeling.. well, not feeling anything at all. My breasts stopped hurting, I checked every 10 minutes, they just stopped. I didn't feel sick that morning, I wasn't as hungry as I had been. It's like this beautiful little thing.. it was just disappearing and I couldn't do a god damned thing. All the symptoms, as they say, of pregnancy.. just stopped. My bleeding worsened, no cramps though. I left work and went to the hospital where I was given little hope of a happy outcome. I had an awful time there, between vaginal ultrasounds and rude doctors smiling as they give me my bad news.. but telling me at the same time to keep hope because there is a sac.. we just can't tell what's going on with it.. it was truly traumatic.

As we walked out of the hospital, 11 at night, hot, tired, we got halfway to the car and my knees buckled and I sobbed. I had been holding it in all day. It took me over. I have never grieved that way in my life. Not for anything, or anyone lost.. not even my father. It was a deep aching empty sob I could not stop and as I looked at him trying not to cry I felt like I had in some way failed at something larger than me that I was assigned but not given directions to.. if that makes sense. I began to retrace everything I did, what could have caused this. Was it that cup of coffee the day before I found out.. that cigarette before I found out, working to hard, things I'd done in the past I was being punished for, some reason this had happened to me, to us. I felt responsible. I felt broken. I felt sorry for myself, for my precious husband who had pinned so many dreams to this baby, most of all, I felt sorry for the baby.

I know.. it was a mass of cells and tissue still, I never even heard it's heartbeat, it was technically nothing to the majority of people. To me it was, what I had felt from the beginning, a boy with dark brown hair, green eyes.. maybe blue, light pink skin, that smell only babies have, a little extension of everything great and loving that me and my husband are. That baby was validation of my womanhood. I finally felt like a real grown up. Though I've been one for a several of couple of years.

I lost it on a Monday morning, alone in the bathroom. I went to pee, I sat down.. I felt something slide out, I heard a plop. I gasped and sat there. I was terrified. I felt like I was breaking. I had to get up. I looked in, all I saw was blood, then a very dark circular red area. I got a wooden spoon and poked it, it was smushy and I just freaked. I flushed the toilet, threw the spoon away, got into bed, buried my head and sobbed. My best friend called as usual every morning, she had not known what was happening and as soon as I let out the words I lost the baby, she was silent, she cried, she offered prayer. I laid in bed, waited on my husband to get home. As soon as he did we just cradled each other, he held me, we slept, we cried, we laughed at our shitty luck, we cried more, we named him and told him we loved him and that I was sorry I flushed him, we laughed, we cried again, and went to sleep. The guilt I felt over the flush was greater than I had thought. I didn't even think about flushing, I just did it. Like when you step on a spider. You see it, you think oh shit a spider, you step on it and go on. I just freaked. After reading how some of you took care of your littles, I wish I had done the same.

I got blood taken 3 times that week. Each time my HCG levels dropping off into oblivion. I hate the looks you get in the OB office, the.. oh you poor thing.. the I don't know what to say so I'll talk about the weather. What I hate even more? Having the doctor tell you.. after looking over your ultrasound pictures, that your uterus no longer holds a baby, no.. that your baby is down to just "simple debri that will pass with time". Debri. My child is debri. My body is a wasteland, my former child blowing around in there as debri in a storm of chaos that kicked it out of me anyway. Those doctors, they sure do know how to make a girl feel better.

What really sucks the big one though? UNtelling people. Yeah. I made that mistake. I told everyone I could that I was expecting. It was a joyous occasion and I could not resist. I knew the 3 month rule. I have never been able to keep a secret though. And I was foolish enough to think I would carry to term. I sound hard on myself, I am still.. a little, but it's all anger flowing out of me also. After about 3 weeks, I stopped talking about it, we moved on, and eventually I will be back to normal. I still feel like if I look at a baby sideways around anyone at work they are secretly thinking that I am crying on the inside and how hard that must be for me. It isn't. I love babies. I love to look at them and make them laugh, and I don't get full of sorrow like a few people think I do. So in a way I turn off now, to save myself that shame for shame glance I feel like I am getting.

I may be rambling but this was a few months in the making and I finally felt ok to write about it. We are trying again and I am hoping for the best. I don't think I will truly believe the baby is 100% okay until I am holding it though. I feel so scared to do this again, but if I don't I think I will slowly vanish. I feel like I am handing over every shred of feeling I have left and leaving it up to a half and half game that I could lose again at and risk going through all of this again. On the other hand it's worth it. I miss it so bad. I miss.. I miss everything about it. As gross as it is, I even miss the morning sickness. I felt so wonderful through the vomit, the out of no where gas, the painfully sore boobs.. it was all worth it and a sign of greatness to come.

The only thing I kept out of the 2 great months I had being with him.. the picture of the positive pregnancy test. I must've taken 12 of those things. They become intoxicating. You spend your whole teenage existence, early adulthood sometimes, wishing, hoping, and praying for one line, or pink not blue, or a - not a +, not pregnant rather than pregnant.. when you are at a place in your life where blue, +, two lines, and pregnant flashing on your pee stick wouldn't be all that bad, turns out.. it's out of this world.

Thank you ladies. I feel a lot better. All of you stay strong and keep trying, I am.


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## Olerica

I am so glad that this is here. When I started miscarying it was a great resource for me to know what to expect. I appreciate each of you telling your story.

On Sunday, I was 9 weeks. I started spotting that afternoon but didn't think much of it as I'd read that it was pretty normal to spot (brownish) early in pregnancy.

On Monday, I had an appointment with my midwife (who I was meeting for the first time) to check things out. She did a pelvic and said things were high and closed, but she did see some bleeding at the base of the cervix. She was very comforting saying that she's seen babies go full term with all sorts of 'bad signs'. She offered a number of options (none of which were to medically end the pregnancy - should I mention how glad I was that she didn't?)

We opted to do an ultrasound to check for a heartbeat that evening. Unfortunatly, no heartbeat was found and I measured 7 weeks instead of 9. As it was after hours, the technician called my midwife with the results and she called me right then. She again reiterated that I might not miscarry - that she's seen things continue full term despite the lack of heartbeat. We then opted to do a Beta-HCG. Just after the first test (Tuesday) I started cramping fairly intensely. DH works from home and he'd been able to take time with me that afternoon.

The next morning (Wednesday) the cramping got more intense and frequent... maybe once every two hours and then in the afternoon it was once an hour... then after dinner every half hour. The cramps weren't too bad - it was like a combo of really bad menstrual cramps and really bad diarreah. I walked and rocked from side to side, I took a warm, nearly hot shower which really helped.

The entire time I felt like I was going through labor and I felt confident in my body's ability to handle this process - and in some strange way I felt that when I eventually birth a baby it will be something that I can do naturally. I took the day, rested and cried with my hubby and mourned.

At 9 pm I called the midwife's service and the oncall midwife called back. We talked about what to expect and was really supportive. She gave me some warning signs and told me to go to the ER if I experienced them (soaking more than one pad an hour, feeling faint, blacking out, chills, fever). The call ended and I felt like I had a plan of action.

So, at about 10 pm the cramps were coming fast and furious and rather hard. I felt I needed to sit on the toilet and when I did I felt a rush and then a large clot pass. When I was able to stand up I looked down and there was a greyish clot about the size of my fist. There were two other less but fairly intense contractions, I went to the bathroom again and then went to bed and fell asleep. I woke once or twice in the night having to go to the bathroom and much less strong cramps.

On Thursday (last night), the cramps were less, but they hadn't gone yet. We took the day and did Christmas shopping, I had my second Beta-HCG test took a nap. I had none of the 'gush of blood' that so many others talk about. The bleeding was like the 2nd or 3rd day of my normal period... and very clotty.

The midwife called me to tell me that my Beta-HCG levels had dropped from 45,000+ to 1,600. She told me that I should come in again next week to make sure that it went down to 0 and continue to come in weekly until it did.

Last night the cramps got bad again - but not as bad as the night prior. After a few hours I passed another large clot - about half the size of the large one the night before. I went to bed and slept very well again.

Today I went to work. I felt good, and had decided to stay there as long as I felt fine. I had another clot pass at work, but again it wasn't too bad.

I just wanted to share my story as it seems much different from other's stories.


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## KelliHope

OK, I should be sleeping right now, this happened last night. I am beyond tired. But I keep playing last night over in my head so figured that I would just write it all out and then maybe I can rest easy. FYI, Todd is my husband.

5pm - 9:30pm
Gave up on trying to induce miscarriage. But, while walking around the kitchen making dinner, real progress started to happen. Bleeding increased, and I felt like I was starting to have contractions. They were very random at this time though, we started writing down when they happened, but it was like one that lasted a minute, then nothing for 20 minutes, then a 30 second one, then nothing. We ate dinner and watched Rattatouie and I walked around the living room, swayed back & forth, did whatever I could think to do to keep the contractions coming. I started passing tiny blood clots, like a size you might pass during a heavy period. At 9:30 I passed a blood clot about the size of a small egg. I fished it out of the toilet and examined it, called Todd in to look. He said it was just a clot, but I was trying to convince myself it was it and I was done. I went online to mothering.com and ivillage and posted what had happened so far to see if anyone could tell me if I was done. I got mixed responses, but I really thought that was it. My cramping stopped, bleeding went way down.
9:30 - 12am No cramping, hardly any bleeding. We watched Oceans 13 and went to bed, thought we were done and said we'd call the midwife in the morning and see if we could get an ultrasound to make sure that was it.
12:30 I woke up with horrible cramping. The so called contractions I had been having before were nothing compared to this. I stayed in bed for about a half hour, but couldn't take it so got up and went and sat on the toilet. Some blood came out and small clots. I sat on the toilet for at least a half hour or more, having contractions every couple of minutes, lasting about 30 seconds or more.
1-1:30ish I went back to bed to moan loudly so to wake up Todd. He was semiconcious at the time and kinda rolled over and asked if I was ok. Unhappy with his amount of support at that time, I got back out of bed and sat on the toilet some more, moaning out there. Then Todd woke up for real and came into the bathroom and sat with me.

This time line thing is all well and good, but the rest of the night is kind of blending together in my mind, so this part of the time line is from 2am to about 5am. Really bad contractions all through this time. Ranging from 10 min apart to 30 seconds apart. I spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet, I got in a hot hot shower, but ended up running a hot bath instead. Of course as I'm sitting in the hot bath starting to relax a bit a big amount of blood gushed out of me so I had to get out of that water. Maybe I didn't HAVE to get out. . .but I wanted to.

I also spent a lot of time in bed, Todd laying on his side & me curled up behind him. The heat of his body acted like a heating pad on my stomache and made it a little easier. During that time I think my contractions were about 10 min apart and I started to doze off in between. Every 3 or 4 contractions I would get up and go sit on the toilet to see if I had made any progress. I passed a few smallish clots, maybe the size of. . .walnuts? maybe smaller than that. Blood clots are amazing. Each time I passed one I fished it out of the toilet and examined it to see if it was something more. They have such shape and form, really amazing things.

At some point, probably around 2:30-3 I threw up in the trash can while sitting on the toilet. In my mind I was hoping it was like transition in labor, where you throw up, then it's almost over. Didn't happen though. And P.S not a great idea to eat chocolate truffle bomb cake before having to throw up. Poor Todd hates seeing people throw up, but he was a trooper and stayed right there, helped me put my hair up, took away the trash can when I was done. He told me this morning that seeing me throw up wasn't the bad part - but when I came and laid down next to him after, then had a contraction and was doing deep breathing in his face with my chocolate cake/bile breath - that was bad!

Around 4ish the contractions started getting unbearable. They were only seconds apart, I had no time to recover from one and would get hit with another. I spent most of this time on the toilet, and laying naked on the cold linoleum floor holding a pad over myself to catch any bleeding. Around this time I told Todd to call the hospital. I felt like I couldn't go on with it without pain meds. It was really bad.

He went to call the hospital (who didn't answer their damn phone!! He called 3 times and no answer, I hollered quite rudely "did you dial the right #?????") Eventually they answered, our local hospital and told him that since we had been going to the other hospital it would be better if we went there (mind you, our local hospital is about 10 min away and the one we've been going to is 40 -- and we were having a wicked snow storm!) They said if I came in all they could do is give me pain meds but that I would eventually have to go to the other hospital to get an emergency d&c. Well we called the other hospital and they said all they could do was pain meds too, they could not do an emergency d&c. At that time, Todd found some vicadin left over from my wisdom teeth surgery and he called the hospital back to see if it was ok if I took some. They said I could have 2-3 in four hours. So I took 2.

I got back in bed, with contractions worse than ever and waited for the meds to kick in. They really never seemed to ease the pain - but what did happen is the contractions got farther apart again. I don't know if the vicadin did that, or if it happened on it's own, but they went back to being about every 10 minutes. Then every four minutes, then every three. I kept getting up every few times and almost nothing was coming out in the toilet. I was so discouraged. Each time I moved from the toilet to the floor to the bath tub to my bed I started to feel lightheaded & weak. I was getting just too worn down, and probably lost quite a bit of blood.

Throughout all of this I tried to do deep breathing to help with contractions. Todd told me this morning that he's pretty sure I was doing it wrong but that he didn't want to argue with me at that time. I have no clue what I was supposed to be doing, I was just "he he he ha ha ha" like you see in the movies. IT probably didn't help much but it at least partly took my mind off the pain to concentrate on breathing. . . but not a lot.

So anyway, around 6:45 was the last contraction that I remember. I next woke up at 8:30am with a start. I was like. . .oh my god. I don't remember the last time I had a contraction. I woke Todd up - poor guy was so scared, he thought that he had fallen asleep and missed everything, but really he just fell asleep because I did and I stopped waking him up b/c I was asleep. So I had this horrible feeling like. . .well I never finished passing it and I feel so good right now, no pain at all - but since I'm not done, they will start up again. I got up as tenderly as possible and got to the toilet and as I sat down some blood rushed out and I thought, oh shit, see I'm not done. Then "plop" out came the rest of it.

It was the size of a small banana, maybe 3-4" long. One end you could kind of see where it probably attached to the uterus. I believe this was the placenta. I fished it out of the toilet, called Todd in, and started feeling it over. It kind of opened up and I found the egg sac. It was about the size of a bouncy ball. . .or maybe an eye ball. The outside was quite hard, not hard to the touch, but hard, thick material. I managed to put a hole in it and opened it up. Inside I didn't expect to see much. My baby had been dead for a few weeks, so it was all decomposed, all you could see was white cloudy stuff.

I put it on a napkin, then got into the shower to clean up. It felt so nice to be clean, put on fresh, non bloody underware and clean clothes. Meanwhile Todd got the wood fire nice & hot.

We brought her out and placed her in the fire. We said a prayer and sang a song. I decided I wanted to name her Hope. I always wanted to give my daughter my middle name, but I never really liked Hope as a first name - but it seemed a perfect fit for this occasion. We said we would spread her ashes on the back hill and she would be a part of this farm forever.

All through this, we didn't feel sad. At the beginning when I was trying to induce myself I just felt empowered, like I had controll over what was happening. When it started to get really painful, I didn't feel so empowered anymore, but I didn't feel sad. I did cry at one point, cried for the pain I was feeling, and for the fact that when the pain was over I would have nothing to show for it.

When we cremated Hope, we didn't cry. Maybe we will when we spread her ashes, but it was like. . less sad and more healing for us I think. The fact that we did it at home made us feel more confident in the fact that we will be up & ready to try again sooner. It was kind of eerie b/c we had done some math yesterday and figured that if we conceived on our 3rd cycle from now, our baby would be born on December 12th. Well, today is the 12th, so our baby would be born on the anniversary of today.


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## punkrawkmama27

I found out at about 12.5 weeks that I had lost our 4th baby 3 weeks ago at 9.5 weeks (I had an US 2 days prior at 9.3 weeks and baby looked good with a strong heartbeat, and little arm and leg buds, so I am still shocked and cannot believe it happened so fast). I told the NP I wanted to go home and wait it out and m/c naturally at home. I waited for almost 2 weeks at home, and nothing happened. No blood, spotting, cramping. So I called the office and set up an appointment with a doctor. He gave me methergine (sp) to bring on the cramping. I was to take it 4 times a day for 4 days. I started them Friday afternoon. By Saturday (my daughters 6th bday party) I was cramping and spotting. It continued on all day Sunday, but I did not rest I cleaned the entire house and finished the laundry then went to bed around 9.
DS still nurses all night and it was causing terrible cramping so I got out of bed and went to lay down on the couch, an hour later he followed and continued to nurse. Around 1:30 am monday morning I started having intense contractions. I used a heating pad to help with the cramping. As the morning progressed so did the contractions. I got in and out of the tub a couple times. My dh called into work around 5:30 am. Around 6:00 am I layed down on the couch and tried to relax, because the morning rush to get dd to school was going to start in a half hour and I needed to relax before helping her get ready. A couple minutes I felt a huge gush while laying on the couch. It was clear, so I assume it was my water breaking. I stayed on the couch until 6:30 then went to wake dd up for school, when I stood up, there was another huge gush, this time it was blood. I felt a large mass pass, and put my hand down to catch it on my way to the bathroom. I passed another large mass when I got to the bathroom. I could not tell if it was the baby. After reading all of the posts on MDC, I was sure I could tell, but I did not see anything that looked like a banana, and believe me, I looked for awhile. Dh helped me into the bathtub to clean up and I started to feel very dizzy. I had worked as a vet tech for 8 years. THe smell and site of blood never bothered me. But, when I was in the bathtub, I was bleeding so much, that the site and smell were going to make me pass out. So I sat there until I was sure I would not faint when I stood up. When I was ready and stood up, I passed another large mass, it looked like a large clot. After that, I went and laid on the couch and slept of 6 hours. I felt so much better, but very empty inside.


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## MrsWhatsit

This was my first pregnancy, totally uneventful until the miscarriage...my miscarriage didn't start with bleeding like most do, so I hope this information will be helpful to someone. Long and gory, sorry.

On Tuesday (12/11) I woke up with a bit of pressure and pain in my lower abdomen, right in front. I knew it wasn't the round ligament pain I'd heard about, but it just seemed like "sore muscle/stretching" pain so I just coped with it. I went to work and even hit the Mall and bought some maternity pants. I didn't really feel ill, but as the day wore on the pain got worse. I had planned to do some tae bo but ended up just on the couch with the hot water bottle on my tummy. I didn't sleep too well that night. Looking back, of course, I wish I would have gone straight to the doctor...but it just didn't seem that bad.

The next morning, more of the same. I decided to work at home and email my midwife, and take some Tylenol. The Tylenol took the edge off, and my midwife wasn't concerned enough for me to go in as I wasn't bleeding at all. She was heading back from Seattle and said she'd ask more questions and determine if I should be seen the next morning when she got back.

About 4 PM after fixing some lunch, I went to the bathroom and felt what I knew was the bag of waters bulging out of me, almost to the entrance of my vagina. I couldn't think what else it could be, but I hoped I was wrong. I knew that wasn't good. I freaked out, went straight to the phone and laid down and paged my midwives. After talking to two of them, they told me to go in to emergency. Nobody else was nearby (my husband was working in Seattle) and I live 5 minutes from the hospital, so I drove myself.

When I went through triage they made me give a urine sample...more bulging waters. I was getting pretty freaked out. My mom showed up to wait with me, thank goodness, and when I went back to a room, my mother in law came too. They were both so wonderful. The usual emergency room waiting around ensued and every time I went to the bathroom I could tell what was going on--more bulging. Finally the on call doc took a look with a speculum. (they have speculums that light up! I had no idea!) He barely got it in there before he peered over the top of it looking freaked and said to me, "Um, yes, that's the amniotic sac". I just nodded, I already knew. I think he expected me to be freaking out more but I just was not surprised. He said he would call the OB from upstairs and get him to have a look at me. While waiting for that (I'd been there for about 2.5 hours by then) I went to the bathroom again and my waters broke forcefully. I knew right then that it was over. I did, however, feel a little better physically due to the relief of the pressure. This was when I saw the very first tiny spot of blood I'd seen the whole pregnancy.

The on call OB showed up and said I would need to go up to L&D. He was really nice. He tried to do an ultrasound on me but the machine was not advanced enough, so once I was upstairs (my midwife showed up at this point) he ordered a real ultrasound tech to come to my room, as I was bleeding and he didn't want me to go to their suite. They saw that my waters were gone, that I had a fibroid (!?!?? I had never known this or had a symptom), that the fetus was still alive (though I didn't realize that until later, as I didn't really want to look) and basically told me that there was a very tiny possibility that the membranes and water would repair themselves an the pregnancy could continue. However, they were expecting me to go into labor instead. I chose to stay overnight and see what happened. (My understanding is that if you are 8-10 weeks they might encourage you to miscarry at home, but any farther than that and they worry about possible bleeding problems, so they prefer you to stay at the hospital).

Basically nothing happened overnight, including sleeping--in the morning they took me for another ultrasound and we found that the baby had died overnight. I was not surprised by this either and was, in fact, a bit relieved, because now I knew that however I chose to proceed, there was no chance that I was giving up on my baby. I was about convinced to discharge myself and go home and wait for labor, but after calling my midwife and discussing it with my husband we decided to go ahead and have the misoprostol and see how things went.

They went very slowly. I had my first miso at 10:45 (two pills inserted vaginally), mild cramps thereafter; another batch at 3, more mild cramps: and I think one more at 7 PM. I had a wonderful nurse taking care of me this whole time. She kept me well fed on toast and pudding and crackers and tea and was very sweet and wouldn't leave me alone when I didn't have visitors (I had to send hubby off to take care of the dogs a couple of times). All the parents filtered through during the course of the day too. Around 8: 30 the cramping got more intense. They checked me as I had found what I thought was a cord hanging out of me--I was right but the rest was still up in my uterus. So, more waiting. The doctor called me "stoic" and seemed confused as to why I wasn't taking advantage of the Fentanyl he had offered me. He also offered me an epidural. I can't imagine why, actually. It was uncomfortable but not that bad. (The worst part was the exams and the sadness.)

(here's the graphic part)

Probably around 9 I went to the toilet (I had requested a "hat", which, if you don't spend time in hospitals, is a delightful device that goes in the toilet bowl for you to pee in, etc., and handy for not flushing your fetus down the toilet). I could feel the cord and a little hand, gave a little push and gave birth to my baby into my own hands. I felt very peaceful about it. I held him and looked him over, first noticing he was a boy (despite all my girl vibes, interesting) and that his little hands and feet were perfect. I noticed that his intestines were still outside his body--they were supposed to migrate in from the umbilical cord several weeks ago, so he had a condition called gastroschisis. Some babies can be born with this defect and have surgery to repair it right away--most are fine, but I guess this made me feel like there was a reason for the pregnancy to fail. His left arm and shoulder were dark red/bruised, because those were the parts that were apparently dangling out of me when the bag of waters was bulging. Poor little dude. He was bigger than I thought--probably around 7 inches all stretched out, and I later found out he was at the upper end of the normal range for 14 weeks. So he'd definitely been developing on schedule until his cord prolapsed when my waters broke the day before, and he died. I cleaned up as best I could (he was followed by a lot of blood) and when the cord detached itself, I took him out to my bed and called the nurse. My husband had not wanted to look but he changed his mind and I think it was probably good for him to look--he didn't feel it was "gross" anymore after he saw.

I still felt peaceful but it was very weird to think of this as my baby, our baby that we had created together. He seemed a lot more real, and I was glad to have the closure. I cried a bit and spent some time with him, and then had them take him. I wanted to know everything I could about what went wrong, and for us, a funeral and all that sort of thing would not be helpful or healing.

The doctor wanted to place more misoprostol to make sure I delivered the placenta. Adding insult to injury, he put them in my rectum. Yes, apparently this is the protocol after the fetus has passed and they want the placenta out. Just what I needed! Whee! I passed a lot of blood and clots, but no placenta. Three more rounds of miso overnight and I was so knocked out on Ambien during the third one that I barely remembered it (which is fine).

I woke up the next morning and finally had to admit that a D&C was necessary. Of course, they told me this just as I was eating a piece of toast--automatic 6 hour wait, even though they wanted to just do it under "heavy sedation". I almost checked out AMA because I was so pissed off. However I decided to stay and get it the hell over with. After a long and boring day of sitting around and watching "Arrested Development" (that part was entertaining, at least) the anesthesiologist came in and started talking about general anesthesia. WTF? I told her that was NOT what was agreed upon. After a minor wrestling match, during which they kept telling me how painful it would be (though when they were first promising me sedation they kept telling me it "wasn't that bad", hmm, interesting) I won and got the sedation. It really wasn't that bad. Not fun at all, but short-ish, and the anesthesiologist was great and kept me comfortable enough. I was lucid (well, as lucid as I ever get) within 10 minutes afterward. Awesome Nurse Lisa said "Yeah, you really are tougher than most women we get in here". I wasn't really trying to be tough, but I guess that's how I am. (Makes me feel a bit better about the idea of having a drug-free birth later on, I am woman hear me roar, etc.).

They finally let me out about an hour and a half later. I felt weak but decent and was only bleeding a tiny bit. This was Friday, and I felt the same until Tuesday...then I started hemhorraging. I was bleeding like crazy and passing huge clots--it just started all of a sudden when I woke up on Tuesday. After a few phone calls to the perinatologist, and a long day of being miserable on the couch, I went in and they prescribed me methergine.

Methergine, by the way, SUCKS, but it did help. My bleeding decreased immediately and stayed low the next day. It picked up again in the evening, but went back down again after I saw some grayish tissue...it was becoming obvious that they had missed quite a lot of placental membrane during my D&C. I kept taking the Methergine as instructed, along with some Vicodin and Phenergan, and the next day called to check in with the nurse. She was appalled when she heard I had had 10 doses of methergine and asked the doctor if I could stop taking it. I did (this was Thursday afternoon) and haven't had any since. I've been bleeding lightly since then with very little cramping...hoping it's all over with.

I hope this helps someone...it seems so unfair to wait for years, plan a pregnancy, be healthy, do everything right, and then lose your first one. But I know I'm not alone. I just hope I have the courage to try again.


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## Mommabean

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## Bella Catalina

It hasn't even been 24 hours yet but I feel like I need to do this while it's fresh. Thank you so much for this thread. I spent hours last night reading it, learning about what to expect.

We'd been ttc for a year (while BFing) and after a chemical in July and taking vitex and a NPC, on December 4th I finally got a







. I was thrilled and immediately I felt a real peace about this pregnancy, and while I couldn't be certain, I thought that God was telling me that His grace would be sufficient for me regardless. I think I knew then that something may happen, but I was determined to be okay with that.

I had a couple of days of implantation spotting, and then on NYE (7w2d) I started to spot. At first it was brown, and I wasn't worried, as I'd spotted with my first pregnancy, too. It lasted a week, turning red and then pink, but it was very light, more like tinged/streaked CM.

Once it had stopped, I checked my chart and realized that it had occurred right when AF would have been due. It was only gone 5 days before it came back at 9w0d following a rather intense orgasm. It was immediately red and heavy spotting, and on Monday I came home from the store and realized I was bleeding. Not enough for it to mark a panty liner, but it was definitely blood, and bright red (I have a slight prolapse and I think that and the fact I was constantly checking with tp prevented it from flowing).

On Tuesday, DH returned from his week in Canada and we decided that we should call my old OB to see what was going on. We hadn't yet established prenatal care with anyone because we were waiting to hear back from a midwife, so we called and they fit me in the following morning. The bleeding was getting heavier and I was starting to cramp. I'd started to pass tiny clots, the biggest close to the size of a pea, but no tissue, and I was trying to hold onto the hope that maybe I had a subchorionic bleed or something.

Tuesday night, the clots were heavier and the cramping, too. The cramps were coming every 30 minutes, with a general crampy feeling like intestinal cramps in between. They were not as bad as I had expected, but it seems that with DS I had a silent cervix so I am not sure. I was expecting real contractions, not just menstrual type cramps. As the evening progressed the cramps started to come every 20 minutes, but I didn't notice them get any closer. I went to bed early, with two pads, and would periodically feel small gushes of blood.

At 3:30am (this morning, 9w4d) I woke up and went to the bathroom--*this is where it gets graphic*--

There was tissue on my pad, what looked to be part of an embryo. Four tiny limb buds, and about half an inch in length. I put it on a piece of tissue to get a better look, but as soon as I touched it, it started to deteriorate. I didn't realize it then; I thought it must not have been the baby and maybe my mucous plug. I didn't see anything that resembled a heart or liver or umbilical cord.

I caught the next clots in a tupperware container and that is where I saw the other half of my baby, and also the amniotic sac, which filled with fluid would have been the size of a bouncy ball. Her head was perfectly recognizable, her little eye, her mouth slit and tip of the nose. I looked in my books with pictures and drawings of embryos and it seems she was between 7-8 weeks, and an inch long. I don't know enough about decomposition to know if she'd died a while ago or not, but from what I've read just in this thread, I'd guess she was dying and her growth had slowed down, but that she had died a few days ago, maybe just before my spotting started up again.

My u/s this morning showed my uterus looked pretty empty but my OB said he couldn't see how much tissue was still in there. I am still passing clots and the cramps are stronger now - I think my uterus is trying to contract (like it would postpartum).

I never felt my water break, and I never found the placenta, but I may not have passed it yet. The bleeding has slowed down, but I am still having small gushes every now and then. I know the bleeding could still last for a long time, but it's just day by day.

Emotionally, I am doing better than I thought I would, but if I am honest, I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I lost it when I saw my name had been removed from the due date chart on another board I frequent... I didn't expect it to hurt so much, although I knew it was done because it was assumed it would be harder to see it, it was actually worse to see it gone, as if my baby had never existed. And that is the hardest part for me. To know that life goes on for everyone else regardless, while I will never forget.

The one thing I had prayed for was that I would see my baby, and though she was not whole (which I admit was hard to see), it is the sole thing giving me closure.

UPDATE 1/17: I passed the placenta tonight.


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## snoopy13

i found out today i have blighted ovum and will miscarry.

woke up at 7:30 am and saw pinkish blood on toilet paper and there was a bunch inside me.

got emergency ultrasound at 8:30 and she said it looked less than 5 weeks even though i'm just past 7 weeks, and my wife and i used a donor so we know exactly when conception happened.

but there was no blood on the transvaginal probe, that's how little i was bleeding. just had a sharp pain the night before, that's all that was different.

the midwife met with us and said we could go through the motions of checking hormones, etc but there was really no doubt because of us knowing when i conceived.

so now i am at home and all cried out and am reading these stories and am wondering why i should not go get a D&C. it is hard to think about waiting for the blood and tissue and sac to come, and for the intensity of cramping and blood loss i may experience.

i can get a d&c on a day's notice. i decided against it earlier today because i thought hey maybe i should just get out of the cold and go with friends who are going to puerto rico and swim in the ocean, and if you get a d&c then you cant swim -- my god that sounds so trivial in the face of all this but i just wanted to get away from here rather than just waiting around to m/c.

but i can't go to PR if i am going to have such potential bloody suffering at any point.

i am really confused.

i am on my way to accepting this loss -- i am 40 years old and have had a series of bad things happen ever since i got the positive pregnancy test on jan 1, so i have been anticipating this as a very real possibility though i know its not my fault. i got pregnant much faster than i'd feared -- on try number 2 -- and am eager to get back into shape to inseminate due to my age.

but i can't figure out what to do right now. it seems like most everyone on this list did not go the D&C route -- please let me know what you think my options are and why.

and if i just started spotting... is it likely this may not happen for weeks? and if i get the D&C, may i still have the experience of continued bleeding long after.

i am sad and confused.

JD


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## Olerica

Oh, Snoopy - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't think I can advise you on getting a D&C or waiting. I think that everyone's experience is different. I can wish for you that you had an 'easy' miscarriage like mine.

I can understand the wish to go away from your present circumstance, but unfortunately you'll have to come home from PR at some point. I just wanted my house, my bed, my spouse. I hope you find the comfort that you need regardless of what you choose to do.

Hugs to you.


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## snoopy13

Thank you Olerica --

I started heavy bleeding and cramping about 90 minutes ago so the D&C vs. natural decision may be no longer a decision that is mine to make! my partner is away till noon tomorrow, that is the hardest part, but i am here in bed with water, pain medicine, a little food, the cat, some good books and a movie nearby (and great friends a few blocks away who want me to call anytime
0 and will make it through.

i was just reading through the stories on this list to compare what happened with people about as far a long as me (7 1/2 weeks) with blighted ovum, and feel so grateful for this resource.

JD


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## leobabe

i am so grateful for this thread and forum, as it has been an invaluable source of information and support, that has been sorely lacking from my family doctor in regards to my miscarriage.

i miscarried yesterday after waiting almost two weeks from the time i got the information that the baby had died. i would have been 11 weeks. and i had no idea what to expect.

i had had some brown spotting, and light bleeding for about 4 days. the cramping started in the morning yesterday, and i called my husband to come home because i didn't feel well at all. i didn't know to expect labour pains, and contractions that were exactly like my labour with my son. so i thought it kind of weird that they seemed to be coming rhythmically. i had dh time them and they were under 5 minutes. in a couple of hours i was in agony. i was trying to breathe, taking advil, changing positions, had a bath (which did help.) i had, had a percocet left over from a gallbladder attack, so i finally demanded that and after about 45 mins, i began to calm down and just go with the pain.
still, my dh was worried that it was this painful, as the doctor had not warned us, so we thought we should go to ER just in case the percocet wore off. so as i was getting ready i felt a strong contraction and went to sit on the toilet. when i looked in i saw (sorry graphic) a big string of mucous hanging out. i thought, this must be the mucous plug, and this is good. then i stood up to get dressed and i felt a gush. this was my first real gush of blood, and i felt relieved of a lot of pressure. i got cleaned up and we went to ER, and the nurse there was so compassionate. she said that yes i was experiencing labour pains and was annoyed that my doctor had not warned me.

i got settled in at ER and decided to check things in the bathroom. i sat on the toilet and immediately felt a gush and and heard a big plop. i was quite stunned. i really wanted to see, and i'm not at all squeamish so i fished it out. it was as described a tough little thing about the size of a lemon. but it had 2 gestational sacs. two little teardrops. i kept on thinking how weird this would look, as i sat in the emergency washroom on the floor, with blood everywhere holding this in my hand. it was quite a gruesome scene. i didn't know what to do, and thought i would freak out my dh too much if i brought it out, so i whispered a little good bye and flushed it. (then i washed my hands about 10 times.)

i came out of the washroom, and sat down with dh and whispered 'you'll never believe what just happened...' told him the news, and he was in awe. we then got assessed by the doctor (who was so wonderful and caring). he said everything was progressing as it should, that i didn't need an internal and i could go home, and to watch for bleeding more than a pad an hour, odour, and/or dizzyness.

we went home and i sat in bed for about 10 minutes. when i got up this is when i got scared. blood began to pour out of me, as if a pitcher of water was being poured out. i ran to the toilet and it continued. i yelled for dh who luckily remained calm, because i was truly scared that i was bleeding too much. i did stop quite soon, and did not start again, so we felt that it was clotting properly. i went to sleep, slept well, and today feel ok.

i had, had a tremendous amount of support leading up to this, as i knew i had lost the baby (or babies.) i think this emotional support really helped me deal with the physical aspect of this. i know that i will continue to grieve, but i feel that i am on the healing path now.

best wishes and lots of love to all.


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## Taryn237

Has anyone found out they were pregnant when they miscarried and not before?

I really think I'm miscarrying but I never took a pregnancy test. I haven't had a period in 5 months since I'm nursing my toddler so I don't know... but what I'm seeing seems to be what a lot of you have wrote.

Two days ago I sat on the toilet and saw a little grayish blob and red blood in the toilet. I fished it out and it was soft. Even then I though is this a baby? Did I miscarry? Since then I've had slow and now very heavy bleeding and bad cramping. This morning my diva cup was full and leaking after 2 hours (over an ounce of blood) and that normally doesn't happen until 8 hours if at all. Then I saw another little gray blob in the toilet. I picked it up and there was what looked like a white thread running through it. Soft still but I wonder if that was the baby's spine.

I feel silly telling anyone since I didn't even know I was pregnant if I even was..... It would have been early since I got a neg HPT around Christmas but I could've been 6 weeks or so.

Has this happened to anyone else? Am I miscarrying or crazy? A close friend miscarried at 20 weeks last year and I know this is nothing compared to her story or any of yours but I'm still sad. Part of it is I have pcos and needed extra progesterone w/DS so if I am miscarrying this may have been prevented.

I'm so confused....


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## Dandelionkid

Point form so it is easier to read:

-I lost my cervix plug over the course of 3 days last week. Lots of mucous.
-Old looking blood (rusty red) small smears on toilet paper when wiping over the same time as mucous but maybe a little longer (4 days)
-On 4th day of old blood finally called for an appt.- 1st prenatal- got in that morning and no heartbeat heard.
-Tried to be hopeful but started bleeding bright red blood in small-moderate amounts that evening
-Bleeding continued over the next 2 days- just normal period amount (from Friday to Sunday)
-Small amount contractions Saturday night- not painful
-Passed blood clots x 2 Sunday evening within abot 20 mins
-Sat in a bath and passed lots of blood- water was dark red-black (couldn't see my legs) Felt slightly funny and started to worry.
-Stood up and couldn't stay up- dizzy and nauseated- didn't think I could stand up so DH called ambulance- I made him cancel it and managed to get to the car to go to ER
-Monitored, U/S showed empty sac and lots of clots (whereas before I couldn't feel uterus now it was almost extended up to bellybutton)
-Felt rectal pressure and painful contractions for over an hour and got up to pass huge amount of clots with two pushes (not painful)- felt immediately great and wanted to go home- convinced to stay one more hour for monitor
-Felt a big gush of blood and went into hypovolemic shock- BP 52/28-OB called and was in OR having a D/C half hour later
-Felt 100% better after D/C - so glad I had this- hardly any bleeding since (24 hrs later)
-Emotional today on and off, very tired

I think I had a blighted ovum at 13 weeks gestation.

Christine


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## PrayinFor12

Miscarriage between 12-13 weeks. Baby measuring over 6 weeks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Karennnnn* 
exactly what happens during a m/c and what you see.

Scroll to the sections labeled "Labor" and "The Bathroom Floor Part - Birth."
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=840805

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Karennnnn* 
Specifically I am talking about looking at the baby, describing what he/she looked like and how it made you feel.

"We held his body yesterday" is here:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=842171


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## MamabearTo4

I should be 14w pregnant today, feeling the movement of my sweet baby soon...









My first visit with my midwife was at 10w. Using the dopplar, she was unable to find the baby's heartbeat, which concerned me quite a bit - she'd never had trouble finding the heartbeats of my other babies before, usually earlier than 10w. I went for an ultrasound immediately where I was reassured with a heartrate of 174. Happy, I went home and found out from the MDC boards that it's not uncommon to not find a heartbeat until about 14-16w.







A sense of security immediately set in and I was sure that I had nothing to worry about.

My first visit with my homebirth midwife was at 12w. It was so nice to see her again! I still had that sense of security when she was unable to find the heartbeat on her dopplar. She searched for what seemed like hours, both of us holding our breath waiting on the music from my belly. Nothing. I reminded myself of the 14-16w average and blew it off as an evasive babe and finished up the visit, planning to see my midwife again in about a month. This was Friday...

Monday morning rolls around way too early. Morning pee wipe showed a bit of brown sludge on the paper, which obviously woke me up right away. The two hours I had to wait to call the midwife felt like two days, but I finally talked with the office and was sent for another ultrasound. No heartbeat, and the babe measured 10w2d...2 days older than my _first_ ultrasound.

The drive home was a blur. My husband was at work and my 11yo was home and he would surely see that there was something wrong. I sobbed all the way home - I can't believe that I made it safely - and walked into the open arms of my sweet son, who just hugged me while I cried...even then trying to be strong for him. I came online later that day and found out that women have had incorrect ultrasounds, only to carry a babe to term. Surely, that was me. I had had four fabulous pregnancies, four easy, enjoyable births...there's no way I could lose a baby. Something was wrong with the ultrasound.

New strength. New hope. I called my midwife Tues. morning, insisting I get a second opinion. The receptionist was great. She made an appt. for me within the hour and I left the house with a teensy bit of hope. It could happen, right?

Again, no heartbeat. Not the unexpected shock as the day before, but still a shock. There was no other hope left in me. I just looked at the screen, burning the image of my still, sweet baby, bouncing up and down with my own heartbeat, into my mind. I'll never forget it...

So, now my baby had been dead for two weeks. My midwife told me that I should pass the baby 4-5 weeks from the her death. I waited at home, sure that 'Today is the day' for two weeks. I didn't go out, didn't see friends, didn't take the kids to museums or the Science Center because I was certain that something would happen while I was out, and I wanted to birth my baby at home, as planned.

The week before that 4 week mark, I was sure that it would be any time... I had been spotting for days and had an evening of very light, almost unnoticible contractions. Saturday night, I checked my cervix and found that it was more open than it had been four days prior. I felt the sac right above my cervix! Just a little bubble that I was able to move with my finger. I made a mental note to myself that the babe would probably come first, before much blood or clots. At the 4w mark, Sunday, I woke at 8a with contractions. More noticible than the ones I had already had, but still very manageable. I didn't know what was in store for me that morning.

The contractions grew in intensity for the hour. At 9a, I was leaning over a mountain of pillows I'd built on my bed, hotpack on my belly, breathing evenly, opening up, inviting the baby to come. I felt bubbles in my belly, then a POP, then fluid. I raced to the bathroom and found a mess of blood on my pad. I had expected water!







I put my hand down to catch what I could - I didn't want to miss the baby or the placenta. I felt a rush of blood, then a blob. I looked in my hand and there was my baby! Sweet and whole, beautiful tan color...just perfect. I was so shocked that the babe came so quickly...I started to cry.

This baby was perfect! Have I said that already? I studied this child, only two inches long while blood poured into the toilet. I could see the eyes, the nostrils and the tiny bud of a nose, the ears, tiny little fingers and toes. I saw the spine and the remainder of the 'tail' which was now just a little nub at the butt, and I saw the bud of his penis between his perfect little legs. That's right - the baby that I was soooo sure was a girl was another little boy! He would have been the fourth in the family. I studied his mouth and his tongue (I could actually see his tongue!) and the spot on his round tummy where the cord was connected. He was such a beautiful color, which I wasn't expecting. I thought he would have transparent skin and maybe be curled up like a little bean, still. He was perfect. The perfect image of a tiny little baby. My tiny little boy.

This is where things get foggy... I don't know how long I'd been looking at him, when I started screaming for DH. I wanted him to see this little boy. DH didn't come. Instead, my fantastic 11yo heard me and came to my rescue. He was the first to see the baby. He was as amazed as I was, and he asked if I was alright, quickly scanning the bathroom and all of the blood. I asked him to get DH and he ran off. I felt faint, so I slid off the toilet with my baby in my hand. My ears were ringing and I broke into a cold sweat when DH walked in. I couldn't speak - could only grunt to let him know that I was OK. I felt blood coming in gushes. I checked my pulse while DH put a cold towel on my head and my pulse was fine, so I didn't worry. The cold towel felt great and brought me back to the task. I got on the toilet again after about ten minutes and passed some pretty big clots, which felt great. I couldn't believe how much pressure could build from clots sitting at my cervix! After passing the clots, I felt faint again and slid off the toilet onto the makeshift bed that DH had made up for me on the floor. Holding a towel between my legs, I continued to bleed. When I felt better on the floor, I would sit on the toilet to bleed some more, then slide off again.

This went on for about an hour, tapering off at about the 45 minute mark. My midwife told me what to look for as far as emergency signs, but nothing could have prepared me for the amount of blood that I lost. I wish I'd thought to measure it. I was finally able to move to the bed, where I fell into a deep sleep for 4-5 hours. I think I peed my pants! I remember having to pee before I went to the bed, but I didn't want to pass the clots and feel faint again, so I went to bed.







I slept the entire day on Sunday, overnight and until about noon on Monday, only waking to go the the bathroom and drink some water. I didn't eat the first day, which was not a good idea - my midwife told me to eat plenty of protein and load up on Gatorade and water to replenish what my body had lost. Whenever I got up to go the the bathroom, it would take about 5 minutes to make the 15ft. trip, then 10 to recover on the floor, then another 5 to make it back to the bed. Then another 3-4hrs of sleep, repeat.

**ETA this part**

I forgot about the bratwurst clot... On Monday, I think, I tried to pass a clot the size and consistency of a bratwurst. The clot was hanging out of my vagina, and I pushed, kegeled, pulled...nothing would get this clot out. So, I broke it. I don't know if I was supposed to do that, but I did it, which left a good part of the clot inside me. A few hours later, I broke out the mirror and saw that the clot was still there!!!!! Just sitting inside my vagina! I decided not to mess with it anymore and haven't seen it since, so I guess it dissipated.

****

All of this happened three days ago. I can't believe it was so long ago. I'm still very weak, but have no pain or fever, so I don't plan to go to the hospital. I am happy that I birthed my baby at home and didn't have to have surgery. I'm able to be awake and upright for a couple of hours at a time. I have missed my kids so much during all of this! Seeing their faces now, they look so different to me! Like, I'm seeing different parts of their souls! They've never been as lovely...

In three days, I've lost ten pounds, which clearly lets the world know that I haven't had enough fluids! Eating helps so much, as does Gatorade and water. It is so important to eat and drink, even if you don't feel like it or can't seem to remember how to swallow. I really think that I would have recovered more quickly if I'd done these two things from the start.

I'm still bleeding, but it's manageable. Activity increases the bleeding, just as it does postpartum (which I guess I am







). I was sure that I could have done this on my own, but having gone through it and needed the help that I ended up needing, I don't know that it's something that can be done alone.

This is one detailed story! but I hope that it sheds just a little more light on the process for those waiting to birth their sweet babies. I read this thread in it's entirety while waiting and found it so helpful. Reading about others' experiences was helpful to me, knowing that other mamas have been through this emotional and physical torture and are made stronger by it. I'm so sad for all of our losses. While I adore this group of women







if I had it to do over again, I'd not be a member of this club...

**Second Edit - Wednesday, 4:45p**

Just returned from my midwife's office. I told her about the mysterious clot and she did a pelvic exam. She did see a piece of the clot hanging out of my cervix and gently extracted it, telling me that she didn't think this was any old clot. It turns out it was the placenta and the sac! It wasn't easy to retrieve and I had to bear down a bit to get it to come, but as soon as it was out, I felt soooo much better. I've had some serious pressure ever since Monday, and now it's gone! Bleeding is back to angry red and my backache is back, but I can sit comfortably.


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## Limabean1975

Hi. My deepest, deepest condolences to all of you.

I am hoping some of you can answer an concern for me. This thread chronicles alot of different experiences; I came to it looking to find what to expect for my sister.

She is 9 weeks along and found out yesterday that due to a clot, the baby is dead. Here is my concern - she may spend a night alone in a hotel room tonight (long story). Should I be concerned for her safety - risk of passing out, anything like that?

Thank you so much.


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## sasebonoko

I just signed up today! This is my first post. Karennnn, I know you shared your story long ago, but if you still get on here, I want to thank you for sharing your story! I can't believe how close your story was to what happened to me last night. My feeling was relief and strangely happiness. I knew five days before, so I had already come to an acceptance of what was happening and grieved. I had a scheduled d&c for the next day. Up until that point I was so anxious and scared about what was going to happen and if it was the right decision for me. Then yesterday after a day of heavy cramping, bleeding and lots of origami folding, it just came out at 12 weeks and 4 days. This surprisingly did not sadden me at all. It felt good to have a healthy body take care of it naturally. I'm am still having slight contractions and light bleeding, but the hard part is over.
I took my placenta to the clinic. In Japan we don't bury, we cremate. So they will take care of it for me.
Even though I'm sad, I feel at peace with this whole experience. I never realized how hard it is for someone going through a miscarriage. Not only emotionally but it is also physically very tough. But after it all, I feel honored to be the one to house this baby through its tiny little life.


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## BlessedbyLily

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to all the ladies who have posted to this thread.

We suffered our loss last week, at only 4 1/2 weeks, so I really don't feel like recounting the details yet but I will in the future because I know it may help someone else get through a similar experience.

Blessings to all you mamas ~


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## Lyne-M

I feel like my story began all because of me. I took a trip at 32 weeks of about 1500kms. I wanted to go see my dad before I had the baby cause he didnt even know I was pregnant. I didnt want to turn up one day holding a baby when he`d never seen me pregnant. So I took the chance although I knew I shouldnt have been travelling. The night I got there I started bleeding. There was no pain. The following morning my stepmother took me to the hospital. The doctors checked me up, the fetal heartbeat was present and the bleeding was stopping, so they said all was well, it might have just been the stress of the journey. I stayed a week at my dad`s place. I got back home on the 16 of Dec. The following day was a Sunday, so Iwent to a private gynie. He did a scan and he said baby was fine. We even saw the heartbeat. The placenta was still high. Two days later I went to the hospital for my normal antenatal ckecks. My blood pressure was high so they decided to admit me so they could try and control it. I spent 3 days in hospital and they were saying if my bp didnt go down, they`d have to do a ceasar and get my baby out. On the 21st the doctors said my bp was now lower and I could go home. I was so happy to finally leave the hospital that day. That night I woke up at home around 2 am feeling uncomfortable. I took a bath but couldnt go back to sleep. All sleeping positions were uncomfortable. My husband woke up around 4 am and saw I was distressed then we went to the hospital. When we got there the baby`s heartbeat was nolonger beating. Imagine!! I had been in hospital the day before and now my baby was gone. Words cant even describe the pain I fetl.


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## Got_Cloth

I am really out of it as I type this, so please excuse me.
3 weeks ago yesterday is when i was unable to find the heartbeat on our 12 week baby Joe. 3 weeks since I had the first ultrasound and heard the words "im sorry, your baby didnt make it" 3 weeks since i was fired from my job, because i didnt want to go to work in the infant department, the night i discovered my baby died.
I had to go to California for a funeral last week for my step grandfather, who was murdered by his dad. it was a very tough experience. with no one knowing that I was even expecting yet, i prayed that little joe would stay put until I got back. The morning of the funeral I got in a HUGE fight with my older brother. He told me the reasons my babies keep dying is because I am crazy and I am a bad mother because i dont vaccinate or feed my children food dyes and preservatives I know, stupid fight, but really blew up in such emotional circumstances. We left for the service and all went fine, then went to eat. We decided to head home that night, because there was too much tention in the house. i went to the bathroom right before i left on friday, and there was blood. I had a 7 hour drive ahead of me, and i just prayed that nothing major would start.
Saturday morning i woke up cramping. . at 2 i started having real contractions. I have never birthed a 12 weeker before and was t old it would be a period, so i was in shock with the way my contractions started at 5 min apart. they lasted at 5 min all day to the morning, then on Sunday there were 3-5 min apart, all day. I wasnt bleeding much at all, so i was really confused. It HURT really bad. Then at 1 am Monday, they picked up to 1-2 min apart, and they increased n intensity. My kids ONLY go to school on Mondays for a home school enrichment program, and so my husband stayed home to take them to school. The school is an hour away from our home. I got in the tub as they were leaving, because I was really uncomfortable, and still was not bleeding. After about 30 min, i got on my hands and knees, to try to get comfortable and my body pushed a little, and i started bleeding A LOT! i called my neighbor to come get my 4 year old. and called my best friend to have her stay on the phone with me. I was terrified. Before long, the tub water was RED. i was in so much pain that was not letting up. It was a constant burning. My husband finally got home, and helped me out of the tub and onto the bed( that he had protected with waterproof pads and towels. after 44 hours of labor, at 1019 am Joe was born. about 3 1/2 inches long and a perfect little face. the pain stopped for just a few minutes. then it came back stronger than ever. i started loosing a lot of blood. DH called my midwife friend and she came to the rescue. right before she got there, my placenta plopped out. and the pain and bleeding just stopped. I was faint, and pale, and very sick to my stomache. DH was holding me feet up, and trying to help me as much as he could. i really got lucky when i married him. He is so great.
my midwife took my blood pressure and it was 80/40 and she told me to just lay down for the day. drink a lot of fluid and try to stay on my back. She gave me so meds to help my uterus clamp down. and left us with a blook pressure cuff to monitor how i was doing.
My baby was perfect. His eyes and mouth are open, and he is so perfectly formed. I call him joe, because that is all I could think when i was pregnant was the name Joe.
Late last night, it hit me and hard! i could not stop the tears from falling. I wasnt crying hard or sobbing even, just a steady flow of tears as the reality of losing yet another baby sets in. I dont know why he died, and I likely never will, but I know he will be a part of me forever. I was so blessed to be able to have him at home, in just the presence of me and my husband, just like out still born son was born at home almost 20 months ago. Joe and his placenta will be buried deep in my garden tomorrow in a service of me and my husband.


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## J's Wife

Brand new here - I miscarried nine days ago at 10w1d. I began spotting on Saturday - very very light brown. Spotting continued and became slightly darker by the end of the day; called my midwife and she said to wait and see. Sunday I had some cramps, and by mid-afternoon there was bright pink blood. My midwife told me I was probably miscarrying, and told me what to look for. She said I would pass lots of clots and some unidentifiable tissue that would most likely not look like a baby. Cramping became nearly unbearable a few hours later, and about half an hour after that, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. I saw a large clot, abou three inches in diameter, and two pieces of pinkish tissue. I was at my parents' house, so I called my mom. We decided to fish it all out of the toilet - I didn't think it was the baby, but I was really scared of the possibility of flushing the baby down the toilet. We were only able to get one of the pieces of pink tissue out, and we put it in a plastic bag with the blood clot, then flushed the rest away. As my mother turned it over, I looked, and saw a perfect, tiny hand about half a centimeter long. I knew then that the other half of my baby had been flushed away. I didn't look into the bag again, because I didn't think I could bear seeing my baby's torn body. We buried it in the backyard under a sapling.

I had horrible pain - what I now know to have been contractions - in my abdomen and lower back, and lots of passing of clots, for the next 12 hours. There was also defecation and vomiting - I didn't like passing clots on pads, so I sat on the toilet for most of the night, and sometimes it was hard to get the right side of me on the toilet in time. It was truly the worst pain and most horrible experience I have ever had. The cramping lessened somewhat after that, but was still bad enough that I couldn't sleep. All in all, I'd say that I had 12 hours of excruciating pain, and then another 36 hours of pretty bad pain. Four days after I'd passed the baby, my cramps had gone, and I only had light spotting. On the fifth day, bleeding increased, and I had about 20 minutes of bad cramping, after which I passed the placenta. It was abou six or seven inches long, crescent-shaped, and up to two inches wide at its thickest. Since then, the spotting has lessened, and the cramping is gone.


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## veganmama719

I miscarried a blighted ovum pg at 7w1d last week after bleeding lightly for 8 days prior to that. I was very fortunate in that there was no physical pain for me, just some light cramping.
The bleeding, once it started in ernest, was incredible though. I was, at work, bleeding through an overnight pad in 20-30 minutes for about 4 hours. The heavy (like AF times 3-4) continued for 4-5 days and then tapered off. Today (7 days after the actual sac and other stuff came out), I am only spotting. That makes 16 consecutive days of some sort of bleeding.

I wore Depends underwear with a "booster" pad (no waterproof backing) in it for the 4 nights I was bleeding heavily. This way I was able to sleep and not worry about leaking (our kids co-sleep with us most nights and I didn't want them to see the blood, they didn't know about the baby yet, and be afraid).

Because there was no actual baby, since one never developed(or was reabsorbed by my body) all I "saw" was what I imagine was the sac.

I was really grateful for this thread once I found out this was not a viable PG. I wanted to know what to expect. But I was a bit scared about the physical pain after reading this thread. So I guess I am posting this to add my experience, that was relatively pain- free, for the next woman with an early m/c of a blighted ovum.

Blessings to you all.........


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## ktmama

Thanks for all you wonderful mamas who shared your stories. They got me through an incredibly hard time. I hope that sharing my story helps someone else.

*A Long, Drawn Out Miscarriage*

On Monday, February 4th, 2008 I began spotting. I was 9w4d pregnant. I called my midwife, but was not panicked as I knew that spotting in the first 12 weeks is normal. I spotted on and off that week. On Sunday night the 10th, the bleeding became more frequent and turned red. I began to entertain the thought that I may lose my baby. The next week I continued to spot red blood every day, several times a day. I maintained contact with my midwife and was again assured that this was within normal range.

At that time, my husband and I discussed what, if anything to do. We decided to let nature take its course and avoid any interventions if at all possible. I totally trusted my body and my baby to do whatever was necessary and natural.

On Monday, February 18th I went to my scheduled prenatal appointment. Unfortunately, I discovered that my uterus had not risen above my public bone (as it should have at that point in the pregnancy), I had lost weight and, tragically, that there was no fetal heartbeat using Doppler. That night the bleeding increased and the next night, February 19th, I went to bed with strong cramping. I woke up three times in the night to run to the bathroom with blood dripping down my legs. I passed a lot of clots, but nothing larger than that. I continued to bleed all that week.

By Friday the 22nd, I was feeling very depleted and the cramping had returned, so my husband and I (and our 2.5 yo daughter) went to the ER at our local hospital. After conducing a trans-vaginal ultrasound, it was determined that I had had an incomplete miscarriage. This experience was extremely traumatic for me. I had never had an ultrasound before.

Both the ER doctor and my midwife encouraged me to give myself a week, but only a week, for things to resolve. My midwife prescribed both black and blue cohosh over the weekend to bring on cramping and sweep out anything that remained in my uterus. The herbs did seem to work and that Monday evening, the 25th, I passed some more clots and lots of blood. However, by Wednesday I was still bleeding and so I made an appointment with my family doctor.

I was convinced I was going to have to have a D&C, although this was the one thing that I wanted to avoid more than anything. I saw my doctor on Thursday the 28th and she assured me that all was well, that I needed to continue to take it easy and rest and that my body would resolve this.

Over that weekend, the bleeding decreased significantly and by that Monday, March 3rd, the bleeding had stopped. I bled for exactly one month.

The gift of this experience is that I got this month to process my feelings and my thoughts - imagining both worst and best case scenarios. I had the chance to process my emotions slowly and progressively. I had time to get used to the idea of not being pregnant any more. Now, I feel ready to take the time to decide if I want to try again.


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## MommaHeather

I shared most of my story at http://www.mothering.com/discussions...124873&page=13 but I didn't go into a lot of detail about how my little one looked, cause I didn't want to spook people, etc. I had the same feeling of wanting to compare pictures to see exactly how old my baby was. But, I couldn't find anything. I gave birth to Luz on Easter Sunday at 7:52pm at 73 days old.

So, I labored and brought little Luz into the world, and it was an egg sac, with a little baby in it. That's how I described it to everyone, it was so sad and amazing at the same time. The egg sac was clear, and the baby was white. We could see clearly the starting shape of the head and the arms. There were little stubs of legs trying to form, but didn't get a chance to. The egg sac was still intact. We had carried him around in it, and inside of a scarf. That's what it looked like.


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## perl

So many thanks to all who have shared here. Hopefully I can help someone the way that you all helped me. I think I'm finally ready to post this.

_Sat afternoon - 1 red spotting w/stool (@6wks 4d)

Sun afternoon - migraine, red spotting, LLQ pain, called MW, sent to ER. Beta 410 (should be 12,000). U/S showed blood-filled sac - "missed m/c"

Sun nite - scared, anxious, restless, spotting

Monday - migraine, moderate red and brown bleeding, no cramps.

Tuesday - Spoke w/nurse at MW office who said it could take 2-3 weeks before I passed tissue. Feeling terrified. Moderate red bleeding, cramping worse in PM. Outside with kids, feeling kind of dizzy and crampy. Around 4pm went inside to pee - felt some resistance then "plop" passed something into toilet. Looked like a disc. Fished it out with a stick (strangely calm) and put it into a cup. Later looked at it and it was the sac. Empty/flattened but big enough to hold a plum. Cramping still bad - took ½ pain pill (leftover Rx for migraines) and went to bed around 11. Woke up around 3-4am anxious, dizzy, scared. Bleeding still light to moderate. Took another ½ pain pill and back to sleep.

Wednesday - bleeding light/moderate. Not much in pad, just drops of blood when I go to use the toilet.
Cramping ALL DAY. Ibuprofen not helping much. Getting pretty uncomfortable and tired of hurting. Still not bleeding much. Called nurse and got Rx for more pain pills. Went ahead and took ½ pill in afternoon and another ½ before bed.

Thursday - cramping less intense. Light/mod bleeding which tapered off after a few days.
_
All in all, the process was much physically easier and much emotionally harder than I would have ever imagined.


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## Bennie45

II wish I would have read these threads a long time before my losses. they are very helpful, honestly more that the doc will tell ya. So here is my stories, with two losses.

Fist time I became pregnant we found out in May. We were so ecstatic, were going to parents!!! So we waited till our first appt. We were supposed to be 10w. I mentioned that I Had a little spot of brown discharge about two weeks ago and then a week later. The nurse was like well that's not good, but there's nothing to worry about. So we went in foe the ultrasound. The nurse wouldn't let me and the hubby see the monitor. She kept mumbling things and taking, measurements, then ran out of the room. Another nurse came in and said we need to send you to the hospital for an ultra sound. We asked if there was anything wrong with the baby. All she could say was that they needed a better ultrasound before they could give me any kind of information. Then they still took like 5 vials of blood, with me crying heavily the whole time. Next day we went to hospital to have the ultra sound same stand off attitude. By his time I was very upset crying constantly, I just knew that something wasn't right. We drilled the nurse at the hospital to tell us something, as my docs office wouldn't tell me a thing. Came home distraught, called my doc office they said I would have to wait until the next day to receive and information. I called at 6:00 that next morning demanding I know what's going on. Then they informed me that it was a blighted ovum. I asked what that was and they said that they would like me to come in right now to discuss it with the doc and not over the phone. Mind you by this time I was getting Irate. Doc told me and my mother the news (after waiting for her for 2 hours) as my hubby was needed at the factory. I was scheduled for a D&C the very next day. It went horrible; they blew two veins and couldn't find the other 3. Finally when it was all said and done, they finally let me go to the bathroom. No one told me or warned me about the amount of blood that I would pee out the first time. I about passed out, I thought I was dieing. Nurse said oh that's normal. Then they forgot about me, telling people that I had been discharged. I was still in the room. Grr. Anyho I was sore for about 2 weeks and bad cramping the first week.

Second loss, same doc. Received BFP and was ecstatic but Highly scared because of last loss. Next day, I started having brown discharge. Called doc, they said could be normal for first trimester. I went in every 2 days for over 2 weeks. While having ultra sounds by hospital. First ultra sound they scared the beiges out of me telling me I might have an entopic preg. Went to appt with my doc, they said it was a large cist. And that they would have to have me repeat the ultra sound in a week because they wanted to see if anything changed. Mind you I had continued blood tests to check hormone levels. They continued to rise, I clung to hope. They saw a heart beat on the second ultra sound. But they couldn't tell me at the hospital, why I still cannot understand. You would think that being there how many times they would give you some relief. So they scheduled me for appt with regular doc. She came in said oh I guess they saw a heartbeat, squeezed my knee said I am putting you on progesterone and left the room. This was all in 5 m. So going for 1 official appt. the next week same scenario as the first one. Except the stupid nurse, kept arguing with me about the dates. She realized she was on the wrong page after 10m of arguing with her. I would think I would know when I had sex with my husband. Same thing could find heart beat, wouldn't' say anything to me. Rushed me to hospital for higher tech ultra sound. No heart beat. I was devastated; I hated the world, and was so mad at God. What did I ever do to deserve this; I lead an honest life and good home. So any who I deiced this time I would miscarry at home. With the start of these pills (can't remember of hand the name). It was a long waiting game, and I felt the first plop, and like something was tearing away from my insides. I started bleeding heavily, me and my hubby kept checking so that I wasn't filling a pad more than a hour to two hours. It was so painful, like labor; we could latterly time the things. Severe pain passes tissue; go to the bathroom, fish for tissue that plops into toilet. Put into jar for doc. This lasted 5 days. Every time they would look at the tissue oh you should be almost over. I ended up miscarrying for two weeks straight!!! Severe Pain pains, plop feeling pass tissue, collect. I was supposed to be 8 weeks.

So in the end I left that doc, Have a new one that treats me lots better and highly more concerned. Switched hospitals also, so on the road to TTC again and know in my heart that this one will stick and I won't let it happen again.


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## SpokrunchyCon

I had a very early miscarriage in June 2007...I had only known I was pregnant for a week but that was enough time for me to get attached to the idea







I estimate I was abt 6 weeks (because I pretty much know which day hubby and I weren't as careful)...natural miscarriage, no d&c. Really bad cramping, and basically like a super heavy period with lots of clots which lasted about 14 days. No recognizable tissue, probably because I wasn't very far along. Doc confirmed via blood test that I'd probably passed everything, and I started normal periods again about 2 months later. I suppose if a miscarriage was going to happen I'd rather it was early on, but I'd much rather have had a dear son or daughter born in February, sniff sniff.


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## wingnutamy

...


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## wingnutamy

I had a lot of fertility issues with my first daughter, and after her birth I ended up with diabetes. I am also an older mom.

When I got pregnant last September, I literally did not know until about 5 or 6 weeks into it.

Prior to my discovery, I had to have a yellow fever vaccine (I travel a lot and that impending trip required me to go to Peru and then Brazil, which meant vaccine.)

That vaccine is a live virus. They ask if you are pregnant before you get it, and I said no.

11 days later I found out I was wrong.

All the CDC info said it was okay, no brain damage, etc.

So, I went to Peru and Brazil, monitored my blood sugar, felt sick (which didn't happen during my first pregnancy) and puked a lot.

I got home, saw the doctor, took my daughter and my old man to the ob with me, and immediately noticed there was no heartbeat in the sac on u/s.

This jolted me. I was pretty angry. He said it looked like it had only developed for 6 weeks, but we were 10 weeks into the whole thing and I'd had a missed miscarriage.

I waited a week, went in for a second U/S, the sac had deflated, the grey mass on the screen that was more of a bean the week earlier was now a flatter little piece of something. I was still really angry. And then I broke down and cried a little.

I have always felt that my body has betrayed me, first with PCOS and lots of "chemical pregnancies", but this one was a stick. and then it died.

I felt like a coffin. They offered me a d/c and I said no. I went home, thought about it, and called back for misoprostyl (sp?) anyway, its the second half of the ru486 med. It causes contractions.

I called my mom, who told me to buck up and stop my whining, which p*ssed me off even more. She basically told me about her best friend's daughter whose fetus died at 5 months, so what was I crying about? Ugh. Needless to say, that pep talk did not help.

So, I took my pill that night, pulled on a diaper from when my daughter was a baby, and sat watching CSI and Top Chef on DVR.

The contractions were not bad at all. Lots of blood, glad I thought ahead for the diaper. I went to bed around midnight and at 2 AM woke up feeling the need to push, so I raced into the bathroom and delivered my little lost one into my own hands. Nothing recognizable except the smell of lochia and the gestational sac, which I pulled apart looking for my little grey bean. I collected everything recognizable and buried it in my roses with the lavender.

OB attributed it to the vaccine, the diabetes (which is under control) or my age/blighted ovum.

No way of knowing. But I think it's extremely suspicious that it happened after the vaccine.

Hope it doesn't happen again, but I'm really angry at my body for not letting me know I was pregnant before the required vaccination (I had no signs, and I have weird periods that come every 50 days or so.)

So, we are actually trying now. naturally, probably nothing will happen...


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## catballou24

on april 22 after a night in the ER, we learned that our babe had stopped growing at 6w 2d...i was 8w 4d at that point. i opted to let my body m/c naturally, although that was really tough mentally as i was only slight spotting and not really cramping much at all. i had passed some bright red blood and had cramping the night before, hence the trip to the ER...which was a nightmare in itself.

for a couple days there was hardly any spotting, but on april 24th all my pregnancy symptoms were gone, so i knew it was coming soon. between 10:30 and 11AM that day i started cramping hard and had some big gushes of red blood and clots. i thought it was starting but then it tapered off, afterwards my legs hurt and felt weak. that would continue until after the actual m/c occurred.

on friday, april 25th i started really cramping again. legs were weak and hurt, my back hurt terribly and i passed a piece of tissue no longer than 1/4" and super skinny like a cord. again, i thought it must be happening now...but again, it tapered off with just cramping all day. i was starting to feel a bit sick at this point.

saturday was very mellow...no real cramping, only slight spotting. my back ached so bad, and i was feeling really crappy. that night, around 9PM i started having some extreme cramping and lots of bleeding. i layed down around 10 and fell asleep after taking some tylenol. i woke up at 3:30AM in agony...it was like labor to be honest. i took some more tylenol and had lots of bleeding and clots. i passed some more tissue and finally went to lay down again at 5:30...by 9 i was in full blown pain. i was amazed at how much like labor it actually felt. around 10 i felt like something had popped in my vagina and a feeling to bear down...i passed the sac, placenta and baby all in one piece. the baby had already started to break down, so i only looked to see where she would have been and could feel a much harder spot and it was grey...i didn't look too closely except i could see where little arm buds had started to form...after that i put it away to be buried under a curly willow in our front yard. the entire piece was about the size of a golf ball, but had broken at some point, so flat was like a half dollar. i could stretch it out and see the placenta and part of the cord..it was so tiny. it was thick and meaty looking. not gross or bloody at all. like i said, i didn't look any further at the baby. my heart couldn't take it...but it looked like everything was there.

i noticed my cramps had changed to intense af cramping and i was now just passing clots. the bleeding slowed way down after this too. i called my old midwife who said it sounded like everything passed through and to treat myself like i am post partum for about a week. if i start bleeding or gushing again, then i'm doing too much.

physically, i don't feel sick anymore and except for a back ache and af cramps, i don't feel nearly as bad as i did. i'm bleeding alot more now, but it's like a super heavy af now. i did try to vaccum this morning and noticed i gushed some so i'm going to heed my m/w's advice. i don't want to end up back in the ER...ever again. i can tell my hormones are starting to balance out again too...

emotionally, i'm drained...i'm angry...i'm sad beyond sad...i feel lost and alone (even though i know i'm not which is why i'm here). i don't know what to do with this sadness, and i know it takes time. i'm afraid of being a downer around people so i try to put on a happy face...my first husband and his wife have gone through this twice in the past year (we are all friends fortunately)...he told me that there was no reason to pretend happiness if i'm feeling sad. that what i, and all of us here, have gone through is a terrible loss and that we'd feel the same initial grief at losing a live child. that we loved our child in us with the same love we feel for any other children we have and that it is a loss and a big one. they ended up in therapy for awhile to deal with their pain. and that's how i feel...i want my baby back...









anyway, thank you for letting me get this out here. it's been less than 24 hours since the actual m/c occurred and i'm just all over the place...

lots of love and light to everyone here who has lost and lots of healing vibes to us all.


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## sothisislove

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annakiss* 
I just wanted to say thank you all for posting these stories. I've never had a miscarriage, but I've never read or heard about what can happen when one does have one. It's enlightening and educational to say the least. When I do get pregnant again, I will be somewhat nervous as I was the last time about the prospect of losing the baby. It is helpful to know what that might look like. So thank you. And I'm so sorry for your losses.

I agree that it's good to hear stories even if you aren't experiencing a mc or even are pregnant. I felt like a freak when I miscarried, but then I heard stories from so many people....I didn't realize that it was ok and normal ...I guess I didn't realize how common it was. That knowledge didn't erase my pain, but it certainly helped.

Thanks for sharing your stories.


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## sothisislove

Quote:


Originally Posted by *race_kelly* 
I had a missed miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 15 weeks when we went in for my normal check up. The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat, so they immediately had me have a u/s. I knew immediatly that the baby was dead. I couldn't see any heartbeat, and it was so still. I've never seen an ultrasound like that before, no movement, no sound, just a little tiny baby. So sad. I was told they thought I ought to have a d&c the next day. I wish I knew I had other options, because the d&c was so sterile and surreal. I had to go to the out patient surgery where I was asked over and over again, why I was there, etc etc! Couldn't someone just read my chart and pass on the info. There was very little sympathy and none after the surgery was over. I went in 15 weeks pregnant and came out completely empty, with nothing to show for it. No pain, no baby, just an hour I will never remember. It really was so horrible, and I regret not giving birth to my baby very much. We found out 4 weeks later she was a girl. My little Therese.

Does anyone know why drs and nurses ask you why you're there...over and over? There must be a reason...but it is quite emotionally painful.


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## Momof4andAngels

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sothisislove* 
Does anyone know why drs and nurses ask you why you're there...over and over? There must be a reason...but it is quite emotionally painful.


Unfortunately, I was told it was due to informed consent. I actually had to describe the suction D&C I had to a nurse. It made me sick to tell.


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## tangledblue

I found this thread incredibly helpful last summer when I was going through a miscarriage and I thought I'd add my experience.

It was my first time trying to get pregnant, (more accurately, "not trying not to" and I didn't really expect that it would happen right away). So I didn't do a HPT until about five weeks after conception. I was sitting at work and I felt something--can't describe it--but pretty much knew I was pregnant and got a HPT on my way home, went to take it right away. While I was waiting for the line to show up I thought, "I'll be so surprised if I'm NOT pregnant" but sure enough, I was. I cried tears of joy and welcomed the baby. Less than a week later, I had just the tiniest little bit of spotting. Called the Dr. and they told me to come in for an u/s. I never saw the baby on the screen--it was turned away. Didn't actually know anything was wrong right away. I would have asked for pics but didn't get them. The OB's curt behavior led to me switching medical practices where I fortunately met a wonderful CNM who explained options much better, listened to me, etc.

I ended up waiting it out naturally, but it didn't happen suddenly. It took WEEKS. I had the U/S diagnosis over two weeks before the m/c really started. One night of pretty heaving bleeding, lots of clots, and then literally like a four-week heavy period. No pain, no cramps, weirdly, although I was expecting them. Two weeks after I thought it was all over I woke up in the middle of the night to a gush of clear liquid with just a little tinge of blood, ran to the toilet and lost another giant clot. I guess it must have been the sac breaking. I never saw the baby this whole time--he would have been teeny--but I looked.


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## Try Try Again

tangledblue, I'm in a similar senario right now. I had a m/c back in July 2007 at 10 1/2 wks (after seeing h/b at 9wks). I waited 2 wks but was too mentally painful to wait any longer to m/c, so I had a D&C. This time I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum at 8 wks and have decided to m/c naturally. It has been 3 1/2 wks since I was diagnosed, and I just started spotting a week ago; bleeding started three days ago. I'm not sure what to expect this early on. So far it is not much more painful than a normal period, but everyone keeps telling me to expect severe cramping/heavy bleeding/etc. I have passed some clots, but that is not unusual from my normal periods either. I am supposed to get a blood panel done 'the day or day after I m/c'; unfortunately, I don't know when that is. I have a call into the dr. so hopefully they can advise me. I hope that it won't take me weeks to pass everything like it did you, but your story helped me understand that it doesn't always happen right away... Thank you for your story and good luck to you in the future. Thanks to all the women out there who are hopeful, scared, excited, and hopefully one of these days - fulfilled!


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## Quate

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sothisislove* 
Does anyone know why drs and nurses ask you why you're there...over and over? There must be a reason...but it is quite emotionally painful.

I think this is also part of their quality control--making sure they're doing the right procedure to the right person.


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## lady_iles

I'm still in the middle of mine. I find it hard not to cry again as I write this.

I weaned my 2nd son about 2 months ago. Not long after, I got my period back, my first one in over 2 years. DH and I went away for our anniversary on the first weekend in May and I know that is when I got pregnant. I had really bad ovulation cramps the night before we left. Around Mother's day something inside me told me things were different. I was 23 days into my cycle then, and I counted the days until I could take a test. That following saturday morning, I took one. I just knew I would see two lines, and sure enough, there was a very faint positive. I told DH I thought I was pregnant and convinced him to buy another box of tests. I waited about 4 days. The night before I took the second test, I had dreams of positive pregnancy tests, but no pregnancy or baby. With both of my boys, the night before I found out about the pregnancy, I had dreams of babies. I think I knew something wasn't right, something inside me told me that this one wasn't going to stick. But, I went ahead and took another one. Once again, 2 lines, but this one was darker.

I called my ob and went in for a pregnancy test. I didn't pass their urine test, it was negative. I started crying and begged them to do a blood test. When they called me back to the room, I could tell it was not good news. He said that my HCG numbers were in the mid 30's. It was considered a positive result, but this far into a pregnancy it should be at least 100 or so. He tried to be reassuring and told me to come back in a couple of days for another test, and we could see if the numbers were going up, but he honestly did not think this was a viable pregnancy. I remembered that around the same time with my son's pregnancy, my HCG was well above 300. I felt sick inside and cried all the way home.

I waited 2 more days, still no period, so I took another home test on the morning that I was supposed to go back for my 2nd blood test. The line was so very faint, barely there at all, and I just knew. I called my OB, he told me that I could go ahead and come in for the test anyway, or just wait it out. I decided to just wait it out; I knew what was going to happen.

It was late that night, 5 days ago, when the bleeding started. The bleeding hasn't been much worse than a really really bad period. It's very heavy, and there are alot of clots, but the difference is that the heavy bleeding is lasting a lot longer and it's both physically and emotionally painful. The cramps can get pretty bad, and I feel as though I'm living off of Tylenol. I feel icky all over, very tired, achy and sick to my stomach at times.

I guess I'm fortunate that it happened early like this, that I didn't see it on an ultrasound, or hear a heartbeat, or feel it move. But it's very devastating nonetheless. It is the thought of what could have been. It's the anger that I don't get what I wanted so desperately and the thought of having to start all over again--the possiblity of more disappointment and more heartache. I think that is what hurts the most.


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## Try Try Again

lady_iles, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I have to say, you hit the nail on the head with your last couple of sentences - that it's the thought of what could have been; the anger that we don't get what we want so desperately; having to start all over again... I couldn't have said it better myself.

Well, I got through the m/c, but it was so much worse than anyone said it would be. I started spotting a full two weeks before any bleeding, then bled and passed large clots with heavy cramping on 5/8. I thought that was it; I called the dr and explained what I experienced, and she said "well, it sounds like that was it. You can go in for your blood panel anytime." Well, I got the panel done on 5/9, had bleeding with mucus discharge, then felt ok. Saturday morning my hubby and I went to an event where we walked to raise money, etc. Then by around 11:30, I was having such strong cramping and contractions that I had to get home. The contractions lasted for hours and were so strong, I had to stop and lean against the wall or whatever surface I was next to, and breathe through them. I passed two large pieces of tissue that I thought was the gestational sac (1-2 inches in size); more heavy bleeding. It slowed throughout the night, but by 2pm on 5/11 (Mother's Day, which made things worse!), I was cramping and bleeding again - bad. I had more contractions and bleeding on Monday 5/12, and I knew immediately when I passed what was in fact the gestational sac. It just sort of slipped out of me, and was larger than 2 inches in diameter. It was very thick and very much a "sac" shape. I had a few more days of regular period-like symptoms, several days of feeling very lightheaded and dizzy, but other than that, it was over.

I got my blood panel results back today and was diagnosed with both the Protein S deficiency (a genetic trait that predisposes one to the formation of venous clots - aka venous thrombosis); AND MTHFR (C677T-heterozygous) - a mutated gene that inhibits the absorption of folate. Apparently the first can be "treated" with daily shots throughout most of pregnancy; the other can be "treated" with prescription strength folic acid, vit B6 and vit B12... I'm scared to think about all of that, but lately, at work and at home, I've been taking on the mantra "One Day at a Time". It helps. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the thought of trying to deal with 9 months worth of stuff in one day!

Wow - sorry for the really long blog, but I feel better getting all this out there. Hang in there and keep praying or wishing or hoping, whatever works for you. Love to you all...







:


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## yummymummy2hannah

It's hard for me to talk about mine. It was only barely a week ago. I was almost 16 weeks pregnant. I had SCH and the day before my loss of Nathaniel (I hate the word miscarriage) I was having some bad soreness in my uterus and cramping. It was worse than before but I had already had 5 huge hemorrhages so bleeding and pain wasn't new to me. Then I began to bleed, but not hemorrhage. What got bad was the pain. It all started around 11am and by 11pm I was in so much pain I couldn't walk or move without wanting to scream. I felt like my whole uterus was a bruise and my back hurt. It was the worst pain of my life. My DH drove me to the Women's hospital and they did an ultrasound. Nathaniel was moving and doing fine, but my SCH blood had grown from 4cm to 9cm. They gave me some pain pills and told me that SCH/Placenta Abruption hurts and to go home. I told them it felt like I was having contractions but they didn't really listen. I got home and the pain got even worse. I thought I was dying the pain was so bad. I cried as I got out of bed 2 hours later at 6am and went to the bathroom. I had been passing large blood clots all night and I thought I was passing a really big blood clot. It hurt as I pushed. I pushed very hard and out it came, but it felt like it was just hanging out of me. (I've had clots so large I had to pull them out). I felt down there and felt a thick string. I tried to pull on it and realized it was the umbilical cord.







I started to freak out and realized I hadn't passed a clot but I had just birthed my son! I screamed to DH to look for me and he was too scared. He gave me a mirror to look and sure enough my little boy was hanging out of me by the cord with the placenta still in me. I called the hospital back while freaking out and they told me to call 911 and that I could bleed to death. So, I called 911 and they were there in less than 2 minutes. They put the baby in a towel and clamped and cut the cord and rushed me to the hospital with the sirens blaring. Once at the hospital the doctor helped me deliver my placenta. I didn't need a D&C as he was completely delivered like an actual birth. I never imagined it would be like this. It has absolutely horrible and I will never forget the feeling of pushing him out or the feeling of tugging his cord before I knew it was him. I will also never forget seeing him in that mirror praying for it to be a blood clot not a baby.
He is being cremated and we will bury him later. I still haven't gotten his ashes back yet. As far as healing. I'm still bleeding and passing clots. I still ocassionally feel contractions and I pass birth things. Also, my milk did come in.


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## shantiani

Thanks for your stories everyone. This thread has been really helpful for me. I went to my 11week appt last week to find no heartbeat. An ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped developing at about 6 weeks. I am still waiting for my body to respond and for the m/c to start.... it has been almost 6 weeks since the baby stopped and I've had only the tiniest amount of spotting! I don't want a d&c unless I absolutely have to, but I'm confused at why it is taking so long for anything to happen....

It really helps to hear what other people have done and gone through as I'm sitting here waiting myself... Thanks so much for sharing.


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## Sweet Kat

I thank you all too, for your stories.

I have been waiting to conceive for awhile now, and we had a beautiful moment when I was ovulating - it was the anniversary of the start of my relationship with my DH (13 years ago). Because I knew I was ovulating, and then starting feeling fuller, sore breasts within a week or so, I suspected I was pregnant. I knew it was so early to tell, but as soon as I could, I took the test. It was positive. I was so happy! A little nervous though because the line was so light, and I was so early. So I took another one, and another. All positive.

Just as DH and I were making plans (I got my midwife), and getting excited about baby#3, I started feeling crampy one busy afternoon. I thought maybe it was just because I had been on my feet all day. I went to the bathroom and sure enough there was blood. I didn't panic at first, I thought it was possible it could be implantation bleeding. Shortly after going to the bathroom the cramps got really bad, and not in my back like normal menstrual cramps, but in the front, and very sharp and low. I couldn't believe it. I had never gone through this before. I couldn't believe it was happening. I almost told my whole extended family I was expecting at a family brunch just a few days earlier.

I went to the bathroom again a little while later to check. The bleeding wasn't too heavy, but very mucousy, and there were clots. Again, later, more clots. This time there was one that was a bit bigger than the rest - bigger than a nickel, smaller than a quarter - and it looked different; more fleshy.

And that was that. 5 weeks pregnant. Happened last Thursday.


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## Autumn Breeze

:


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## Quate

I think I would like to tell my story now. A month and a day ago I had my first real OB appointment. I was, for some reason, mentally preparing myself to hear bad news. I don't know whether somehow I knew, or if I was just worrying, but either way, it turned out not to be silly. The doctor did an ultrasound, looking for a heartbeat, and found only a sac measuring about 6 weeks with a few little dots in it. It should have been ten. I had had no actual signs that anything was wrong--no bleeding, no cramping, and symptoms were still going full force. (At least, I don't think there were any signs. Since this was my first pregnancy, maybe there were.) We discussed options, and I told her I wanted to wait and see if I would miscarry naturally. I took a blood test and went home. Overnight, my breasts felt like they had deflated. Two days later, I started spotting. That was Wednesday afternoon.

Thursday night, shortly before I was going to go to bed, I started cramping. I guess these cramps were like contractions. They certainly did not bear any resemblance to any cramps I had experienced in the past. They would start in the back, then move to the front, then go away, and then return a few minutes later. They were mildly painful. So I knew this was probably it. I started bleeding more heavily--probably like the first day of a period for me, and I passed some larger clots than I see with my period--maybe 3 or 4 inches long. This still wasn't very heavy bleeding though, just not spotting any more.

I went to sleep and woke up again a few hours later, and realized that I wasn't going to be able to sleep through them any more. For several hours, I knelt on the floor, with a pillow tilting me forward a bit. I read this thread. When the pain came, maybe every 10 minutes or so, I would lean forward or rock a bit and that helped. Finally I was so tired that I just couldn't keep my eyes open, so I laid down on the couch and dozed in between the cramps. Towards morning the pain started getting more intense and lasting longer. At some point in time, I sat on the toilet, suddenly feeling sweaty and nauseous, unable to get up until the pain eased, and thought "I am so getting an epidural if I ever do get to experience actual labor." I managed to hobble off, find a heating pad, and crawl into bed a few minutes before my husband's alarm went off. Then things really intensified. For the next hour, I was in almost constant pain, with only brief breaks. I wanted to ask my husband to take me to the emergency room so I could get some pain relief, but the thought of having to move at all made me decide to wait it out. I asked my husband to work from home. He did. For the next hour, things started tapering off again, though the pain was still intense when it hit, and there was no slow building up to it. I was a little panicked, thinking that I had never learned the relaxation techniques I needed to get through this. So I would just kind of squirm around and hold the heating pad in place, and somehow that helped. I think I managed to worry my husband quite a bit.

Then it just stopped, around 8 or so. I slept for a few hours, and I felt fine. I was still bleeding like I would with a regular period, maybe day 3 or 4. But nothing had come out that looked like a sac or a placenta or anything. I was afraid this was just a break and the cramping would start up again. I felt like something was stuck inside me. I had an appointment with the OB that afternoon, and she suggested that it was likely that there was just nothing to see. She also did another ultrasound at my request and confirmed that there was no retained tissue, that everything that was left was by my cervix waiting to come out.

Sometime late that evening, I felt like something shifted, and the next time I went to the bathroom, some tissue plopped out. This didn't look anything like the earlier clots. It was about 4 or 5 inches long and in the middle, there was a bump that was about an inch in diameter. I fished it out and looked at it for a bit. I decided it must be the placenta, but honestly, it was kind of gross looking (sorry, that's the way I feel), and I didn't really want to touch it. I didn't keep it. I was exactly 11 weeks.

I kept bleeding lightly/spotting for more than a week after that, but I never did bleed heavily. For several days I would also feel crampy for an hour or so--not contraction-like crampy, just mild pain/tenseness in my lower abdomen and lower back.

It has been hard to wrap my mind around this. Of course I grieved, but for several days I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I had given birth to a misshapen lump of tissue instead of a baby. Later I realized that the placenta ... I guess it was the placenta ... must have been wrapped around the sac and that was the reason for the bump. I don't think I would have seen a baby anyway, since it had been 5 weeks since the baby had stopped developing, but I did feel better.

Now I have come to a point where I believe that there was a baby, and that my baby is safe in heaven, where she (well, I think she, but maybe I will be surprised) will never have to experience the pain of this life, and that some day I will meet her. It is a slow journey, but that is helping me find peace in all of this.


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## RedPony

n/m


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## Nathan1097

Stacy~

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little one.









I have done some research into Turner's as a cousin of mine is intersexed. (Not Turner's, but XXXY.) Turner's is XO. There are many variations of intersexed.

Again, I'm sorry this happened to your baby. Your story is beautiful.


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## AlwaysAutumn

I've been lurking on this board since March, but just registered and feel ready to officially join by sharing our story of loss.

I was pregnant with our fifth pregnancy and enjoying our three living children. We went on a trip to Disney World for Spring Break in March and I remember feeling so content and happy. I was nearing the 12 week mark at that point, so I was feeling secure in the pregnancy. I'd had a very early loss between my last 2 children but I never 'connected' with the pregnancy like I had this one. It was a lovely time in my life for many weeks of feeling just blessed beyond measure.
When we returned home I was feeling ill with sore throat, headache, tired. This happened to coincide with a weekend so I stayed in bed and slept the whole weekend. On Sunday I began to spot, just small amounts, nothing that worried me because I'd spotted through all my pregnancies a little bit.
I felt better Monday, spotting continued and on Tuesday I was starting to get nervous as the spotting was picking up. I was now 13 weeks so I couldn't be miscarrying right? You're safe after 12 weeks I'd always been told. Put my mind at ease, called my OB and they had no appointments so I took one on Friday. I tried to reassure myself. Spotting became almost bleeding, I began needing pads and not liners. Wednesday morning I called the Dr's office and they insisted I was probably fine and to wait until Friday was fine. I knew it wasn't fine. So I started calling around looking for someplace to see me ASAP. I lucked out, an office of OB's was willing to see me within the hour. I remember thinking this will make me feel better, just to know baby is safe and all is well.
I arrived at the Dr's office, DH took the kids for a walk around the grounds while I waited. No noe else seemed to be in the office, so quiet.
Shortly after arrival I was called back to do an u/s first. DH and the kids hadn't gotten back yet so I went back on my own. I was nervous mostly because it was vaginal, not because there could possibly be anything wrong. Despite the bleeding I felt very secure that the baby was fine.
She began the U/S. It wasn't hardly anytime at all before she touched my hand and turned the screen towards me. I will never forget this woman, her kind face and true woman to woman connection I felt with her. "I am so sorry honey, but your baby has died." I could see it on the screen, so peaceful. No flicker, no movement, just peace. I remember her tearing up and telling me about her losses. I honestly was in shock, it just couldn't have happened.
The rest of the appointment was a blur. I met with the Dr., who was so gentle and kind. Unlike my original OB, and I felt so surrounded by gentle kindness. I told them I really wanted to pass the baby naturally. They told me to go home and grieve and to keep in touch if I needed anything. She also gave me an Rx for Percocet just in case I needed them. DH came back at some point and was waiting in the lobby area for me, expecting great news. His heart was broken.
We went home. Nothing really happened for a few days. Spotting off and on. The kind OB called me twice in this time period, which blew me away. I'd never had such personal care from a physician, that part was nice. She wasn't pushing for anything but laid out my options. I told her I wanted to wait and see. Emotionally I was pretty numb to be honest. I felt things might work out somehow still. DH was grieving the loss already, I found that annoying.
Saturday came. Cramping picked up to a high intensity. We are talking true labor cramps, I was in pain. Walking the halls of our home in such pain. We are alone where we live, our family is across the country so I was trying my best to also keep a strong front for the other children.
I ended up just shutting myself in the master bedroom, laying on the bed. Bleeding was picking up and was starting to be clotty.
That afternoon I emotionally broke. DH has taken the kids for a walk, I was alone in the house listening to music. A strong wave of panic overtook me. I wanted this baby, I didn't want to pass it, I wanted to keep it inside me. I wasn't ready for this. I didn't want to let go of these last precious minutes/hours we were together. It was the most profound grief of my life.
I went into what was like real labor. Waves of contractions (cramps), back pain, diahhrea, etc. I was able to let go of the emotions if just for a few hours to focus on how much this hurt! I had dh run out and get the percocet rx filled because I knew the kids would go to bed soon and it would be his last chance.
I was again alone in the house. I was squatting on the toilet and I felt that familiar urge to push. It was disgusting the amount of blood and clots but I knew I needed to reach down and without effort into my hand plopped a squishy ball. Cover in blood but I knew what it was. I was on autopilot and I quickly wrapped it up and put it in a Ziplock and into the freezer (I wanted to make sure I saved it, based on reading this thread for the days leading up to it). I felt better physically. My bleeding was much heavier and clottier but not so much pain. I cleaned up the bathroom. I went downstairs and sat by the freezer. I cried and cried.
DH and the kids came home, the kdis were asleep. I helped him carry them in the house and put them upstiars in the bed. I wasn't crying but I was so sad. I took a percocet (even though I didn't need it) and went to bed. I slept all night. I woke up feeling even better physically. Bleeding was lighter (although clots were there for a few days). I bled for another 2.5 weeks and spotted occassionally for 2 months.
Emotionally I was a wreck. I still am over three months later. I haven't been able to find peace with it at all. We began TTC this last cycle after my final OB visit with my new Dr. that I love. She is wonderful and kind. I will hold onto her for sure. But this cycle didn't work, and that crushed me even more. So I am not sure if I am ready or not to TTC. Everyday I still cry, somedays I am crying all day behind sunglasses at the swimming pool. I never thought having a M/C would be so devastating. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.
Thanks for all your stories, advice and posts on this board. It helps so many people. You are awesome women with such strong spirits.


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## astar326

*Autumn*







so sorry about your loss.

i just experienced a very early miscarriage this week before I even knew I was pregnant.

but at least after over a year of ttc we know that i can get pregnant. my dr. also gave me good news when she informed me that it wasn't my fault.

so now i'm just mourning & waiting for my body to heal (& stop bleeding) so i can ttc after my next cycle. typically my cycles are really long (53 days) so i'm not looking forward to having to be patient.


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## chi_mama

This pregnancy was different from the beginning, I was sick all the time. At 8 weeks, we we're on vacation and by the end I really knew something was wrong. The night we arrived home I was nursing ds and I felt a gush, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding, a few minutes later I passed a piece of tissue the size and shape of my palm. 3 days later I called my mw to ask if I needed do anything (I really didn't want to go in) she sent me for a HCG. A couple of hours later she called to say my levels were still really high and maybe there was another baby. We rushed to the office, the mw couldn't find a hb on the u/s, but couldn't get the machine to work well and wouldn't commit one way or another. I went home with a follow up u/s scheduled in 4 days (when tech would be there) and another lab slip. Two days later I went in for labs and broke down crying... I wasn't sure what to do hope/grieve? Another 2 days the office called to say my levels were now falling and the following day we confirmed on u/s there was no heartbeat.
I didn't want a d&c but after 8 more days I felt emotionally I could not wait any longer. I took 400 mg of cytotec on Friday night and started spotting for a few hours. Then suddenly Monday morning I began having contractions every 5 minutes. It felt just like labor, after 12 hours I began to pass lots of clots and started bleeding very heavily. Concerned I called the OB on call, she said to give it 30 more minutes and if the bleeding didn't slow to head to the ER. Within 10 minutes the bleeding stopped completely and I began to have strong painful contractions, I could feel something blocking by cervix. After about an hour of this I took 2 Vicodin and fell asleep.
The next morning I had mild cramps and bleeding, when I sat down to pee I felt the urge to push and a large oblong-shaped piece came out. It looked completely different from everything else. It was tough and looked sinewy. Strangely after 2 weeks of examining every clot I was too scared to investigate. I placed it in a bag and took it to the office with me. The nurse said that was "it" and an u/s showed my uterus was mostly cleared.
Now I think of all the questions I wished I'd asked.... was there a baby or a blighted ovum? and was the baby in there? I regret not asking to take the baby home if so, it makes me feel like I just abandoned her.
and then now that all the practical medical decisions are done I feel grief just overwhelming me... and i question everything, should I have wanted the baby more? been more careful? weaned ds? do I want to ttc again?

This board has been so valuable to me during this time, thank you all for sharing your stories and talking openly about this.


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## JBH

I had early miscarriages before 7 weeks.
I had passed a lot of blood clots like a heavy period. When i had the miscarriage suppositories it made me contract and it hurt like labor.
The most recent one I had it naturally and it felt like a painful period but nothing like labor pains.
I also passed a liver like thing (placenta?) it looked like a clot but was very firm in texture and looked more like a lifesource.
Also, I passed tissue-it looked pinkish and grey-like thick and ropey. It looked like grey and wrinkled kind of.
If it looks questionable, it is most likely products of conception.


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## littlechloesmommie

Right about now I should be welcoming a new baby into our family.. and it the whole situation seems to be bothering me more now that it did when I intially miscarried.

When I first realized I was pregant I denied it. We planning or trying. Then I got sick and even sicker.. no denying it now. I went to the doctor an received my positive pregnancy test. I was almost 3 months along. Headed to my 4th month, I noticed a little spotting. I called my doctor and he told me to rest. There was no reason to come in unless the bleeding got worse. I went to work that night and ended up having to stay for an extra 8 hours (not relaxing..). All of a sudden I was hit with crippling cramps and gushes of blood. I couldn't leave the bathroom for fear of leaving a trail on the floor. I grabbed a towel and had a coworker drive me to the ER. My doctor came down, and examed me. The cervix was still close, I hadn't had a miscarriage. I went home, excited and exhausted. Then the bleeding started again.. Back to the doctor. He decided it was best to do an ultrasound. My uterus was still enlarged, but there was no baby, just fluid. He called it a blighted ovum and told me that there never really was a baby. He prescribed Metformin to contract my uterus (which was the single most painful experience of my life) and sent me home.

To this day, I feel cheated. I had just starting tell people I was pregnant and now I had to tell them, "Nope, just kidding..no baby". One of my friends told me "that it wasn't a miscarriage. You didn't lose anything.You shouldn't feel bad, its not like there was a baby there anyway." (this person is no longer a friend) But it was a baby to us..... even if it was just the idea..


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## sothisislove

My baby was due in a few weeks and it's so hard. With my 1st mc, I was pregnant again by the time the due date came around, so it almost slipped my mind. But this time it's more difficult. I think the worst part is that nobody remembers. Stupid extended family members are like, "so when are you gonna give me another great grandbaby..etc." I just think that's a little insensitive. I can't really blame them for forgetting. I mean, they're not that close to the situation, but still. My mom and husband even forgot though...they don't make comments that bother me, but when something comes up and I mention it, they're like 'oh yeah...i'd forgotten about that'


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## guestmama9922

i woke up saturday morning and immediately felt wetness, so checked and it was a dark brown blood.
i knew then i was having a miscarriage.
went immediately to the a&e, don't know what i thought they could do. apparently nothing.
the doctor told me that bleeding was natural and told me that if it turned to a gush of blood then it was probably a miscarriage.
i wasn't having any pains at this point, so i tried to believe him.
i was at my DH's workshop when i started to feel what felt like early labour cramps in my lower back and abdomen. i went home and got a bath and cried my head off.
woke up the next day and there was no change in the level of bleeding or cramping.
by 1 pm i took a bath and the cramps started to get stronger. they were not really painful, just like a strong period cramp, but it didn't go away.
by 2 i was out of the bath and sitting at the computer actually reading this thread so i knew what i might expect.
all of a sudden the cramping just stopped.
it was so obvious.
i stood up from the computer and there was a huge gush of blood and clots.
i went back to the bath and ran the water and squatted while the clots came out.
there was a lot of blood but it wasn't painful at all.
finally i passed the sac, which was greyish and looked like a soft clear egg.
inside was a tiny tiny little white person floating.
it was only as long as my fingernail.
it was amazing really.
i didn't open the sac up, i wanted it to stay floating.
at that moment i felt a strange mixture of emotions - sadness for losing it, happiness for actually having it there in my hands and being able to see it, guilt, and strength. i was alone in the house doing this, i had to be strong.
to me the baby looked at least 2 weeks behind where it's development should have been, but i will never know as i did not take the baby in to the hospital to be looked at.
after about 45 minutes of being in the bath and feeling like i had passed all of the really big clots and most of the blood, i got out and called my DH.
he came straight home.
i was feeling pretty weak and at one point i had to go to the toilet, but as i sat on the toilet the room started spinning and i almost passed out.
we went to a&e but again, that was a mistake. there was nothing they could do and it was a horrible place to be at the time.
there was a terrible nurse who said all the wrong things. i was worried because of how i felt, but apparently it's normal and tehy just sent me home.
physically having a miscarriage takes it's toll, but emotionally, it is a total headf*&k.
from start to finish i felt like i had no control.
perhaps that's why i didn't call my DH when it all started to pass, it was something that i could do on my own on my terms.


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## Mama-Ana

In mid June I went in for a 12 week ultrasound appointment to check for Downs. I was nervous but happy. This was my first pregnancy. At 8 weeks we'd seen the heartbeat and the baby. I had been feeling a bit sick over the past few weeks but was starting to feel better and want to eat normal foods. I'd had a little bit of brown spotting but only after intercourse and I'd read that was normal. I thought everything was going fine and wasn't worried.

During the ultrasound I was thinking to myself, how is she going to zoom in and manage to see some sack on the back of the babies neck? Boy, ultrasound machines are neat. Then she took my hand and said "honey, there isn't a heartbeat." I started crying and was just in shock. What? How? Why? Everything was fine, I'd had no symptoms to tell me otherwise. My ob wasn't it and she got a different dr to come talk to me. They checked again, measured and determined it had died shortly after my 8 week appointment (between 8-9 weeks). Quickly things shifted to what to do now. I was going on vacation the next evening and I'd just eaten a snack so I couldn't have a d&c. I asked if it had died, why was it still in there (for 4 weeks!) and he said because my hormone levels were high and that my body didn't know what had happened yet. I had no idea this was possible. All the books I had read warned about bleeding, I never thought that it could die and I wouldn't know it. They told me that flying would probably bring on the miscarriage and that I should be prepared to go to a hospital in Florida (on vacation). Soon I was overwhelmed with info. They let me call DH and tell him (he hadn't come because we weren't going to see the baby, just do this "test"). That was terrible. I drove myself home crying the whole way.

When I got home I called my mom and then my sister. It was a couple of hours before DH was able to get home. During that time I decided that I didn't want to have a miscarriage on vacation in some strange place. I also decided that I didn't really want to see what might come out. I wasn't sure if I would be able to see a baby and the thought of seeing it made me cry more. When DH came home we talked and decided to pay way too much money to postpone our flight out and have a d&c the next day. We still wanted to go on vacation, and felt we needed the relaxing time even more now.

I called my ob in the morning and they were able to squeeze me in at noon. I went in at 11 am. I have a phobia of needles and don't really like hospitals... but it was better than I thought. Everyone was really nice. The nurse had trouble with the IV and had to poke me twice which was really hard. But I got through that. They gave me the drugs and I went to sleep. Apparently only 20 min. later I woke up in the room and that's when I cried. I lay there in a daze, feeling sleepy and sad. It was really over now. It was real. No more baby.

I slowly woke up, they had me eat and then walk around. I went home around 2pm. I lay in bed and felt okay. A few hours later I started cramping and took ibuprofen. They gave me metocin (?) a uterus cramping med, ibuprofen, vicodin (which I didn't want) and a stool softener. I was able to get through the next week just with the ibuprofen. I had cramping and pain that was new to me (being my 1st preg), it was lower than cramps or upset stomach, almost between your vagina and your butt (where your uterus is!). Oh, and the first time I peed at home I think I squealed in pain. Apparently you use those muscles peeing. After that I had to make sure I totally relaxed.

The next day I felt better and was able to do some normal stuff (though slower). We packed and left on our trip the following morning at 6am. It was great to be on vacation in Florida... I felt pretty good. Still taking drugs but feeling more normal. I hated the pads (I'm a tampon girl). And for some reason, perhaps it was being on vacation somewhere warm and sunny and wearing bathing suits, but I was so horny. I wanted nothing more than to make love with my dh but as the nurse said "nothing in the vagina for 2 weeks".

On Tuesday night of our trip (5 days after the D&C) I had a lot of cramping. I had stopped the ibuprofen and had pretty much stopped bleeding. I took some ibuprofen and managed to sleep some. The cramps were strong, like after the D&C. I called my dr office and had to leave messages (they weren't open yet). In the hours that passed while waiting to hear back from my ob (I called again...) the cramps got better but I started passing clots. The bleeding was heavy and the clots got bigger. I had to sit outside to get bars on my cell phone (while waiting for the Dr to call) and then hobble inside every time another clot passed. My dh later told me he was really worried because I was walking like I was in so much pain, but really I was just trying to hold the stuff in until I could get to the bathroom. At one point I passed a very large clot, 2-3". I started to cry but dh told me to stay calm, this wasn't the baby. I had to remind myself of that. The dr's called and wanted me to take more metocin and possibly go to the er for an ultrasound. They said that if I went through a pad an hour, that was too much blood. So I started timing it and checking and it seemed to be going away. It got less and less and then was just like a light period for 5 more days. I didn't take any more drugs or go to the ER. I felt like the worst was over and that my body was just getting rid of something still left in me after the D&C. I was glad I was able to get through this on my own without going into the hospital. Though I also realized I probably would not have been very calm if I had chosen to let the miscarriage happen on it's own and I was glad that I had the D&C.

When I got home I went back in for a check-up and they've been monitoring my hormone levels to make sure they're dropping. I got my period 33 days after the D&C. I've just started charting, I decided I want to see that my cycle is "normal" and that I ovulate when I should. I want to know that that had nothing to do with loosing the baby.

Thank you to everyone who posted their stories. You are so brave for going through your miscarriages naturally. I am sorry for your losses but posting your stories helps others. I think I might be able to do it myself if it (god forbid) were to happen again. I think I might want to see the little baby and bury it in my garden. Then I would have a place to visit and mourn. That has been hard, not having anything. I've made a scrapbook/journal of the story of our baby which has helped me to heal.


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## SarahDC

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It has been so helpful and reassuring to read true experiences.

I am 9 weeks today, started bleeding very lightly yesterday afternoon, started cramping this afternoon, then passing clots. Saw the MD (family practice, only guy nearby) and he said that at this gestation period, it's definitely a miscarriage (didn't do an ultrasound or anything...), and that I'll be feeling like I'm having a horrible period over the next few days. He said that it will just look like blood clots because the fetus isn't big enough to see yet. After reading all of your stories, I am not terribly happy with him. I feel like I should have had an ultrasound to possibly figure out what was wrong (or how big the fetus was).

This evening I've had moderately severe cramps (taking ibuprofen), passing tons of clots. I'm going to see my OB on Monday because I just want more answers (do I need a D&C, what might have happened, when can we try again). I hope my body does what it needs to do and expels everything before then.

UPDATED: It was quite the rough weekend physically and emotionally. I finally feel like it's over, and I don't feel pregnant anymore. I continued passing large clots with moderate cramping on Saturday, and on Sunday afternoon I had about 20 minutes of SEVERE cramps like I've never experienced before - I was on massive doses of Ibuprofen that wasn't even touching the pain. If it had lasted any longer, I would have gone to the hospital. After that, I passed more clots and some tissue that wasn't blood - after reading more of your stories, I think it was the remains of the placenta. It was banana-shaped, about 4 inches long and 1 inch in diameter, tough fibrous tissue. I haven't passed anything that looks like a fetus yet but I haven't checked all of the clots either. Seeing the tissue helped me though, to have some closure, as well as some validation of my pregnancy somehow.

Hopefully the worst is over for me. I see the OB on Thursday to be checked.


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## Sesshoumaru's Girl

Reading this thread was difficult but I'm thankful it is here.

Not ready to share my story, but I just wanted to offer my support to all the mama's and mama's to be on this thread.









Little one's are wonderful blessings, even if they are here with us for a short time.


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## AnonyMarsupial

* miscarriage at home at 7 weeks *

Pregnancy was verified by home pregnancy test, two blood tests and a blood progesterone level.

At 6 weeks, with decreasing pregnancy symptoms, I had a nurse appointment at OB/GYN office and was sent for ultrasound that afternoon. The ultrasound found a heartbeat (181 which is faster than expected) and a too-small sac that was hard to visualize. The fetus was measuring 1 week larger than my dates. The radiologist called me an hour or so later to let me know the pregnancy was viable. This was a huge surprise with the decreasing symptoms. (Ultrasound tech would not let me look at the machine or give me a picture) Reading the report a few weeks later, I found there problems with the embryo were fairly clearly mentioned ... "sac hard to visualize" is not good news.

4 days later, I had a gush of fluid while walking around. And further decreasing pregnancy symptoms.

At 7 weeks, I had follow-up with the Ob/Gyn. She sent me for a repeat 1st trimester ultrasound, which found fetal demise. (not a surprise to me since I no longer felt pregnant and had lost an inch or two around the waist)

DH was on travel, I decided to miscarry at home without intervention.

Day 1: I felt sick (like a digestive disturbance) and had loose bowel movements.
Days 2-4: I felt a little better, but had almost continuous cramp type pain (which I never get otherwise) OTC meds were not entirely helpful. There was bleeding and small to medium clots. Some dizziness.
Day 5: We had visitors from out of town. I was trying to entertain kids and appear cheerful. In the morning the pain was worse and I felt fairly sick (like a fever but I was not warm). Also, an internal "tenderness" that is hard to explain - like a stuck BM. When I finally went upstairs to the bathroom, I passed the embryo/fetus and surrounding tissues. I fished it from the toilet and examined it - a hard lump of fetus + red tissues and other stuff. About 3 cm by 10 cm, which explains why there was so much discomfort - I would have had to dilate to about 3 cm to pass that.
Amazingly, I felt better immediately and was able to go out and bury the fetus in the back yard. There was a small amount of bleeding over the next few days.

We did not take the fetus for genetic testing.

During the MC, I doubted my choice to do it at home and was thinking the hospital D&C would have been a good idea. As soon as it was over, I was glad I had gone with the "home" route. If this happens again I will take strongest pain meds I can find in the house and plop myself down on the sofa until it is over.

About the ultrasounds - in retrospect, I should have insisted the 2nd ultrasound be written up as "verify fetal demise" not as "1st trimester ultrasound" - it would have been a shorter procedure and they would not have wasted any time measuring my ovaries.

At both ultrasound appointments I asked for copies of the digital images. The ultrasonographers were hugely worried about getting into trouble if they gave me *any* information. When I asked for pictures, they acted like it was a bizarre request.







: It was very important to me to have a picture of the deceased fetus, and I know I am not the only one. After the MC, I called the medical imaging office and requested a copy of my ultrasound images and ultrasound reports "for transfer to Dr xxxxx by hand". They made me a CD with all of the images and the viewing software, which I now have at home.









Emotionally, I am fine. The pregnancy was a huge surprise after 4 years TTC. (Our child is 5 years old) The RE has been suggesting IVF due to male factor IF. The failed pregnancy was followed by a semen analysis that showed a hugely increased sperm count. I have an increased level of HOPE for another baby.


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## harrietsmama

I miscarried before I knew I was pregnant. My 'period' was 8 days late. I had yucky brown paste rather than normal bleeding. After 15 days I went to the doctor and then found out I had conceived, but was miscarrying. I had the same brown stuff for another week or so. I took blue and black cohosh tinctures to help my uterus empty completely to avoid infection. I had one normal period after that, then conceived again and had a successful pregnancy. I was not planning to conceive either time but my fertility was pretty persistent. a few years later I began having serious bleeding problems and had a hysterectomy, which revealed adenomyosis.


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## crazyrunningmama

I am so grateful to those who have written their stories here. I have just gone through IVF and got a BFP, but the follow up blood test showed the HcG levels falling instead of doubling, so I knew I would be having a m/c. Being able to read these stories really helped me to prepare. Thank you to everyone who has posted here for taking the time to share this information and help others get through this.

I was five and a half weeks pregnant. The day after I got my sad, sad blood test results, I woke up with bright red spotting. I usually have some cramps, but these were worse and lasted longer. I had heavy bleeding with lots of clots for three and a half days (I usually only have heavy flow for 1-2 days at most). Light flow continued for a couple more days. By the 8th day it was over. I don't think there is such a thing as TMI on this thread, so I will add - having bowel movements on those first 2-3 days was very very painful. I felt really weak and achey all through my hips and legs as well. Tylenol helped, a glass of wine at bedtime the first night helped, but a beer the next night gave me an all day headache. Heat on my belly and Hagen Daz chocolate helped too.

If you are reading this, I am sorry for what you are probably going through.







and take care of yourself.


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## mama k nj

wow. I so wish I had found this thread in May when I had my miscarriage. I felt a little left in the dark and wasn't sure what to expect. Thankfully, I googled and found a description of what what really happens right before (literally minutes) before I passed the embryo. So I figure I should add my voice too. Here's what I remember.

I was only about 6-7 weeks along when I lost the pregnancy. This was my second pregnancy and my first miscarriage.

A couple weeks after I found out I was expecting and after I had told the immediate family, I started spotting lightly. The only pregnancy symptoms I had up until then was fatigue and increased hunger. The morning sickness never set in, but it didn't really get bad until I was over 6 weeks with my son the first time. So I thought nothing of it. I also had occasional spotting with my first pregnancy.

I must admit I felt a little odd about this pregnancy from the start but they say every pregnancy is different so I passed it off. The spotting was consistant and had turned from brown to pink and I felt something was wrong. By the time I got in to see the Dr for my first scheduled prenatal visit, I knew what was going on. However, the nurse did a pee test and it was still coming up positive. And the Dr said my uterus was still enlarged to 8 weeks so that was confusing. The Dr labeled me as a "threatened miscarriage" and set me up for an u/s and blood work the next week. I think it was a Thursday when I saw the Dr. My flow turned into a light menstral like flow (bright red) on Sunday night and continued that way for awhile. I also started having light period like cramps Sunday night. Monday the flow and cramps continued.

Tuesday was the worst. I had been having serious cramps all day. Definitely the same intensity as early labor. I didn't know what to take, so I didn't take anything for the pain. In retrospect I should have taken a couple motrin or something. I kept a heating pad on my abdomen and that helped some. I also had some red raspberry leaf tea (that helps me with menstral cramps). I was having a heavy flow and passing clots of tissue. I was reading online about what to expect and just as described, I stood up and felt a rush of tissue being passed. When I went to the bathroom and wiped there was lots and lots of tissue. There was also a tiny sac about the size of a pencil eraser. I didn't see a baby or anything 'cause it was so small, but I felt that that was him. It was a blue/grey color and a very defined little sac. The rest of the tissue was very red. I passed a lot of tissue, clots, etc that night. The cramps were intense. I almost felt like the physical pain was some how validating for all of the emotional pain I was in. (Also I've had natural childbirth for a full term baby before so I knew I could physically do it.)

I was kinda in shock and I called my best friend to tell her. After it happened, I was mourning, but I also felt at peace. It was almost a relief to know FOR SURE that it was over and that I wouldn't be stuck in emotional limbo anymore. After a month or two, more grief set in and I went through a longer mourning process before I felt ok again. It's still hard to think about sometimes and I still cry about it.

ETA: My bleeding lasted about 9 days starting on Sunday. It was 35 days from when the bleeding started until my period returned. My next couple cycles were irregular, but went back to normal after that.

We are TTC now and I am feeling positive again. I'm sure once get another postive test I will be scared that I could go through it all again.

Much love to anyone who is going through this right now. I hope my story can help you in some way. You are not alone!


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## CassieJones

Im new here and I am so glad I have come across this board.
I have had a total of 4 miscarriages, 3 of them being this year.

I will start will the first, it was about 5 years ago. I was 18 me and my now hubby had just started dating and shortly after found out I was pregnant.
We went back and forth on getting an abortion or keeping it, but I knew that an abortion was something I was not able to live with. So we finally told out family and altough they werent thrilled they were supportive.
I went in for the first visit and everything seemed fine. Notlong after I spotted, and I mean it was literally a drop of blood but I freaked and had my mom drive me to the hospital, Jay (DH) met me there and we went in the back to get an ultrasound done. But then I heard there isnt a heartbeat and I just sobbed. I didnt know what to think, they gave me the option to have a dnc or to wait and go back to the doc later that week for another ultrasound. I just wanted to get it over with so I opted for the dnc which I started to regret over the years. I didnt learn untill my next mc that there was actually no baby just a sac.

After that mc I went on to have 2 healthy boys.

My next mc happened this past december. I had no sign of a mc at all. Went and had an ultrasound and everything looked great (well I was told that anyways) Went in for my 12 week check up to hear the heartbeat with doppler and there wasnt a heartbeat to be found. Went in for a ultrasound which confirmed it and the baby had stopped growing around 7 1/2 weeks. They tried to push for a dnc since it had already been a few weeks but I decided to try and wait it out and it wasnt but a few days later I passed everything. I bled a little heavier than I normally do on my period but it wasnt that bad. I had some contraction like cramping that would come and go but all in all it wasnt that bad. I passed what looked like a sac so I kept it to have it tested. I never seen the baby but I felt as though it was, the reports say no fetal parts were found but I kept the remains anyways bc it was all I had left of my baby.

About a month had passed and we found out we were expecting again. I had a bad feeling about this one from the beginning but I kept telling myself it was just from the recent loss. I went in for an early ultrasound and again unlike last time there was no heartbeat this time around. I decided again to do it naturally and within a few days it started and the only thing I passed that I could see was a clear sac filled with fluid, no baby. This mc wasnt as hard for me as the first but still very upsetting.

I talked with my midwife and she said I should wait a few month before trying again that the last mc was likely bc I had gotten pregnant to soon and she wasnt concerned. So I waited around 3 months and finally was pregnant again.
I felt good about this one, I had a lot of symptoms I didnt have with the others, tender breasts, cravings, and upset belly. I called my midwife and she wanted to see me right away, so I went in around and had an ultrasound and found out I was 2 weeks behind what I had initally thought, but the baby had a heartbeat of 125, which to me didnt seem high but to everyone else seemed good. I had just gotten of birth control so I thought maybe I was just off on my conception dates. So anyways I thought everything was fine and everything was going to work out.
The night before my next apt. I started to spot just a tad, I knew right away everything was not okay. I went in my apt. the next day and as soon as my midwife walked in the door I started to cry, she asked me what was wrong and I told her I already knew I was having a miscarriage.
So she tried to find the heartbeat and she could not. BUt she wasnt convinced I was having another mc so she sent m for an ultrasound which confirmed that the baby had stopped growing at 7 wks 5 days, 3 days after the first ultrasound I had.
The again asked if I wanted a dnc but this time offered a drug to help induce the mc. I at first said no and said I would just do it naturally again but on my way home I called and asked her to go again and call it in for me.
I decided I would wait till the weekend and if I didnt do anything by then I might would take it.
Well my apt. was on on wednesday and today is Monday. I passed my baby last night around 4:30.
This time was so different than the others. I had contractions for about a good hour every other min. I took so advil but it didnt seem to help.
Oddly enough I hardly bled any, just passed a few clots here and there.
I started to have a contraction and right in the middle of it I felt something kinda like pop or something, its very hard to explain but the pain had stopped and I knew it must have been the baby, So I went to the bathroom and something fell out, I looked in the toliet but couldnt see anythin. but for some reason I knew it was the baby so I reached in and pulled out a sac, inside it was my baby. I didnt expect to see it form my last 2 miscarriages, but there it was. It was no bigger than raisin but I could see everything, its eyes and little arms and legs that were budding. To me it was so beautiful. I just held it in my hand and laid on the couch and cried for a few mins. I didnt really know what to do with it so I put it in a plastic bag and put it in my memory box with my other keepsakes (pregnancy test, ultrasounds, remains of other mc, etc.)
I looked at it this morning but it kinda just looked all smooshed together so I dont guess I will give it to the doc for testing.

I go this coming fri to hopefully find out whats the problem.

I am sorry this is so long, this is the first time I have written about any of my miscarriages and I was kinda surprised how much I have remembered. It feels a little better to write it all down though.

Hopefully someone will read this and it will help them in some way.


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## AmandaLynn

I found out I was pregnant with our second child on August 5. My first OB appt. was on August 18. I was having unrelated back pain for the past few days before the appt. due to an injury but my doctor wanted to do an early ultrasound to check to make sure it was not ectopic...which it wasn't. But the baby was measuring 4w & 4d...from the date of my last period I should have been 5w & 4d. Everything looked good though. The sac was nicely formed and the fetal pole looked good...no heartbeat yet...but it was too early. I tried not to think of it measuring a week earlier...but I guess it's always been in the back of my mind.

I started spotting 2 days later on the 20th. Light brown.

I'm not a stranger to spotting. I had a subchorionic hemorrage with my 1st pregnancy...a bleed between the placenta and the uterus. so I spotted during most of the 1st trimester...but everything turned out just fine and I had a healthy full term baby girl. But this spotting felt different.

I called the Dr. and they gave me a progesterone shot just in case and took my levels. She would be out of the office until the following Monday...it was Wednesday. Friday the spotting became more than just a little spot and changed to dark brown. Sunday I called the Dr. on call and told them what was going on. He said if it got worse to go to the hospital. Not an hour later I went to the bathroom and there was red blood on the tissue. So we went to the ER.

We were there for 5 hours. They called in an ultrasound tech from home. It was awful during the ultrasound. The tech informed me she wouldn't be able to show or tell me anything. It was terrible not to see the screen! But after it was over for some reason her computer wasn't working and while I was sitting in a chair nearby she had to pull up the information on the screen again. I saw where it said the baby was 6w & 1d and it's heartbeat was 120 bpm. It made me so happy...that my baby had a heartbeat and was measuring near what it was supposed to be. There was so much change from the ultrasound I had done just 6 days before. I felt like everything was going to be okay.

But then the Dr. at the ER came in with the results of my hcg levels and said they were low for me being 6 weeks. He told me to check in again with my OB. I think the chart he showed me was the levels for gestational age...and if that were the case I was okay. I researched it further at home and discovered that was most likely the case because my levels on all the other charts I found were just fine. But something still didn't feel right.

I called my Dr. on Monday. I was still bleeding...I wouldn't call it spotting at this point....she said my progesterone results from Wednesday before they gave me the shot were so low they were barely baby sustaining. She also said that my HCG levels hadn't doubled in the last 4 days. But I held onto the fact that my baby had a heartbeat and was measuring where it should be. I was hoping everything would still work out.

The next day I was still bleeding now almost like a period and there were some small clots..... I called the Dr. She had me come in. Did another ultrasound. The heartbeat was gone. That was Tuesday. Had a confirmatory ultrasound at the hospital on Wednesday. Same there. Nothing.

I'm going to let my body pass it on it's own. I don't want a DNC.

It's Saturday night while I'm writing this. Still bleeding. Having Larger Clots now...and some mild cramping. I don't think I've seen the baby yet..... I'm hoping everything will still be intact so I can properly bury it... I can't fathom flushing it down the toilet like it's a goldfish or something. (Not to speak out against other women who have done that... you have to deal with it in your own way).....

I just want it to be over and done with now. I'm trying not to think about it, but obviously it's not working since I'm on here. And it doesn't help when I go the bathroom and see all the blood!

But I would have taken it alot harder had I not had my little girl. She's 14 months today....and more precious to me than ever. Hopefully she will still have a sister or brother this time next year....if all goes well.

I will miss this baby I've lost and will think about what could have been...but I'm trying to leave it in God's hands.....that's the best place for it anyway.


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## Katica

I`m so sorry for your loss. It`s OK to feel sad. And you are right: leaving it all in God`s hands is the best solution.
It`s been exactly a week since I`ve lost my baby and I`m still bleeding. I understand completely that going to the bathroom and seeing all the blood is disheartening.
We are here anytime you need somebody to listen..


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## toughcookie

AmandaLynn, I'm so sorry. I'm waiting too. My baby's been gone for almost a month, and I've known for almost 2 weeks now. The waiting feels interminable. Especially when I'm only cramping and lightly bleeding, with only one notable clot. I wished that like you I believed in a higher power - I don't know WHO'S hands this is in. I have a blind confidence in my body to do this, but wow, is this painful, isn't it?

I'll post again when I'm "done", I can't face it right now.

I just wanted to give you, and all those other desperately sad, scared, pained, agonized tough women out there my love and hugs.


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## Bellabaz

I just miscarried this weekend. I was 7wk and 2 days. Actually I am still bleeding. It started Friday morning. I was at work and I noticed some brown streaks after going to the bathroom. I didn't panic since I knew this is common in early pregnancy. It continued however and got a bit heavier. I started to worry. Around 11:30a I left a message for my midwife and called my old OB. The woman at the OB was trying to get me in for an appointment in 2 weeks. I said thats great but how about the bleeding I am having now? She says well there is nothing we can do about that. I started to get upset and explained that I knew there was nothing they could do but maybe I could get some tests so I could know what to expect. She finally caught on and got me in for an u/s and bloodwork that evening at 7. I left work early and cried all the way home.

We went in for the tests and the u/s looked promising. There was a hb of 140 and the measurments looked correct for the dates. Now I regret going to get this u/s. It was more painful for me to know that 24 hours prior, my baby was alive. Anyway, the bleeding continued but I hadn't had any cramping so far. I wasn't totally reassured by the tests but I did feel a little better.

Saturday the bleding continued. The blood started getting brighter. In the afternoon the cramping started. At first it was very faint and it slowly increased over the next 5 hours until it was like early labor and I had to chant through it. I took 2 extra strength Tylenol and that helped. DP had been really optimistic after the test the night before. He had also thought it was going to be okay b/c there had been no cramping. He had left to go out with dd so I could rest. When he came back the cramps were getting bad. We just sat quietly playing with dd.

The bleeding never got extrememly heavy. I think I only saturated one pad. I had to pee alot like in early labor and had a couple loose bms as well. I passed a lot of clots. At 10:15 I had just finished brushing my teeth. I felt a plop and I knew I had passed the sac. I went to the toilet and there it was the whole thing in tact. I looked at it briefly and dp asked me what it was. I told him. I flushed it because I just couldn't bring myself to inspect it.

I cried a lot that day and that night. All i could think about was the hearbeat I had seen the day before.

In the week and half leading up to this, I had had a lot of headaches. I also stopped having nausea the 2-3 days before. Maybe these were signs and I chose to ignore them.

I found this thread on Saturday morning. It helped me to know what to expect. Thank you ladies for sharing your stories.


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## Finding Serenity

I was having a really normal pregnancy until I m/c at 15 weeks. I started passing some dark bloody mucusy globs late at night and didn't notice any other symptoms like cramping or constant blood flow. I had my first look at my baby the next day since I needed to know if I was m/c. I knew before I was told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. I got to see the OB right away and he checked my cervix as I wanted to do a D & C right away since I was prone to hemorraghing as I did with my last m/c. I scheduled for the following day and went home to take it easy. Still no cramps or heavy bleeding so it seemed like I had time on my side. A couple of hours later, my water broke and then I just started hemorraghing like crazy. I had to call 911 to get to the hospital in an ambulance. I was brought up to labor and delivery and was getting prepped for an emergency D & C. I passed my baby along with huge clots and lots of blood but no placenta came out yet. I don't recall there being any real physical pain or cramping at all which I was told that my uterus is well stretched from all my pregnancies. I had an epidural instead of general so I could nurse my babies when I got home. With general you can't nurse for 24 hours. I was awake for the entire D & C and the worst part of it was getting the epidural. My back aches from it. I never felt one contraction or any cramping before, during or after the m/c. I recovered for about 5 hours and then got to go home. My DH and I got to see our baby up close, our baby had died at 12 weeks. We named our baby Dani since it can be a boy or girls name since we couldn't confirm the sex of our baby. The hospital has offered to take a picture of our baby which we can pick up today. I will make a little box with the picture and some other things I had for the baby in it. Maybe we'll make a little memory garden for our 2 little angels this coming spring.


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## preemiemamarach

just wanted to say I really appreciate this thread- it was a big help while I was miscarrying last month (my husband was OOT and I bled for 19 day, the entire time he was gone). I will add my story eventually, but I don't think I'm quite ready.


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## lil_stinkyfeet

I had an u/s on Sep. 24th at 7w4d we saw the baby but it had an extremely low heartrate at 53BPM and the sac was only measuring 6w3d. I went in and had a blood draw and then a repeat blood draw on Monday. I had been spotting off and on for 2 weeks at that point. My numbers had dropped

I started bleeding still lightly but more regularly on Saturday... I had some mild cramping here and there. That continued until Wed afternoon when the bleeding REALLY picked up. There was a lot of bleeding and cramping and around 4:00 I delivered the sac. We named the baby Rowan Elizabeth and buried her in a music box.

Thursday I felt crampy and light headed all day.. The doctor ordered some pain pills so I was taking them. Thursday evening following some cramping and bleeding I delivered the placenta. It was bigger than the baby about the size of a baseball. I am still having cramps and bleeding today (Friday)..

We put flowers on the site where we buried the baby and I ordered a bracelet with her name engraved on it.


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## pleasantlyfurious

I miscarried yesterday at 8wks 5days.

Thursday (8wks3days) I woke up with a drop of bright red blood in the toilet - other than that I just had some light brown spotting - more like blood tinged discharge. I wasn't worried, but called my midwife to let her know. She said to take it easy and call her tomorrow.

Friday (8wks4days) The blood tinged discharge continued. I checked in with my midwife and she suggested an US - so after work I went to the ER. I still wasn't really worried, but looking forward to the reassurance. The ultrasound did show a heartbeat and my spotting was still really light. I went home pretty reassured.

Saturday (8wks5days) I started having some cramping and a bit more blood. I was a little worried but still hopeful. Tiny clots began to appear - like tiny red pearls. The cramping continued to get worse and worse and the clots got bigger. The clots were a dark dark red and just looked like solid blood. Since it was just blood i was still holding out some hope even though I knew it didn't look good. Then on a trip to the bathroom I wiped and there was a grey-ish/purple-ish tissue and I just started crying. I knew it was too late. The cramping was excruciating. I passed two more handful sized chunks of the grey-ish/purple-ish tissue and they looked like brains. In one of the clots the sac was attached. It was clear and the size of a large grape - inside you could clearly see the little baby - even the dark spots for eyes. It was heartbreaking. I cried and cried. Going back and forth to the bathroom to pass tissue. At around 3 am the cramps and bleeding calmed down enough for me to fall asleep.

Sunday - This morning I woke up with an awful sore throat and light cramps. Emotionally I feel really numb. I'm dreading having to face the world - cancelling my midwife appointment for next week, unsubscribing from all the pregnancy update e-mails, erasing the weekly pregnancy markers on my calendar, putting away the dozens of pregnancy books all around the house. I never thought my first pregnancy would end this way.


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## lisa_nc

Our son died this morning around 3:30 AM. I was 14 weeks and my midwife is almost positive it was a placental abruption. I had been spotting brown blood but no one could figure out what was going on. This morning I started having contractions right on top of each other. It was a lot like labor only not quite as intense. I got up to go to the bathroom and blood was everywhere. Our son came out into my underwear, amniotic sac still intact. It was very quick. I had felt him move about two hours before he was born (I am sorry, I can't say miscarried because it doesn't seem like that to me).

I got very dizzy and laid down on the floor with him next to me. I looked at him and then couldn't look anymore. I just sobbed. The placenta came out about a minute after he did. It looked like a butterfly. The sac broke on the bathroom floor and I picked him up. I put him in a container and then tried to clean up the floor and take a shower. I was still bleeding but it wasn't crazy blood like before he was born. I took him down and put him the fridge without looking at him. Then, about an hour later I freaked out about him being in the fridge and wanted to look at him again. I wrapped him in a onesie and held him and looked at him for about an hour, crying the whole time. Then I wrapped him up and put him in a coffee tin. I need to find something more dignified to bury him in but this will do for now.

He was perfect. Ten teeny fingers and ten teeny toes. He was about five inches long and I have no idea how much he weighed--obviously not a lot. His umbilical cord had broken during his birth. His head was bigger than his body and his eyes were fused closed. However, you could see he was a boy clearly. He also had a teeny nose, mouth, and ears. His skin was translucent and you could see organs and veins underneath it. I was afraid to clean him too much because he seemed so fragile.

I can't believe this happened. My heart is broken. One minute I could feel him moving and the next he was gone.


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## lil_stinkyfeet

lisa nc

I am SO sorry for you loss... That must have bee really difficult for you.
I am sorry mama


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## Carlyle

lisa nc--I'm so sorry. It sounds so hard. I kept expecting to see my baby (I thought I was 11 weeks, and m/c on Saturday), but didn't. My aunt (who's a doctor) said that maybe my baby died a few weeks ago, and wasn't as big as I was expecting and was lost in the clots. I was disappointed that I didn't get to see my baby, but at the same time it seems like it would be really hard too. Your son did look so fragile, yet perfect. I'm really sorry again.







Hugs to you.

Just adding...jeez, to feel him move just he was born must have been SO hard. Big hugs sweetie, I'm so sorry.


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## Carlyle

Hokey dokey, I'm typing this more for me than for the thread...I hope that's okay. It's bit therapeutic to get it written out, you know?









Okay, here's the abbreviated version:
I was theoretically 11 weeks pregnant, but we don't know when the baby died. I had a normal checkup around 8-9 weeks.

I started spotting brown Friday night, which continued through Saturday. Saturday late afternoon I started cramping, which got worse until around 7-9pm when I really started bleeding enough to necessitate a pad. I bled through 5 pads from 9pm-3am, with hourly visits to the bathroom to pee and pass walnut sized clots into a bowl in the toilet. We looked through all of the clots and didn't find any fetus or placenta. Fell asleep around 3am.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday morning were very light bleeding all day--like a very very light period. I thought I was done. Tuesday around 3pm I went to poop and passed the placenta--I could feel it coming out and caught it in my hand, but it didn't hurt at all. It looked different from the clots--lighter in color, WAY more solid, and didn't just look like blood...it looked like more somehow--more texture or something.

That evening I bled more again--like a normal period flow for the evening (it scared me, but I guess that's normal because as the placenta separates from your uterus it leaves a kind of wound). The next day, I had really light flow again, and by Thursday I stopped wearing a pad.

My body doesn't even feel pregnant anymore now--just 1 week later. I'm not famished anymore, not exhausted, not nauseous, not (as) irrational, and I have more milk available for my toddler (I can feel my letdown again!)...it's really very bizarre to feel so suddenly not pregnant (I mean, with no baby to distract and exhaust me in a whole new way).

The long version (i.e. my therapy! SORRY EVERYONE!):
Friday October 3rd I slipped up and spilled the beans about being pregnant to a couple of friends' 6 & 8 year old kids (forgot that I'd decided to wait to tell the kids about being pregnant until after we heard a heart beat). Not more than an hour later I started spotting.









All Friday evening and Saturday day, it was brown and really light spotting, but it was consistent, a few drops every little while. I had spotted with my daughter's pregnancy, but this felt different.

With dd's pregnancy, I bled 3 times--first was what i thought was my period for a couple of days before I realized that I was pregnant (it was too light to really be my period), second was about a month later and it was just a small gush of brown blood and fluid when i woke up one morning, and third was just light spotting a month later. The second and third times were very short, and dried up pretty quickly after they started.

This time, the spotting went on all evening Friday and most of the day on Saturday. I kept trying to think positively, that I wasn't cramping, that I bled with my previous pregnancy and my daughter is wonderful, etc. But it felt different--it was more consistent and didn't feel like it was drying up or anything. I decided to take a nap with my daughter that afternoon.

When I woke up, I was starting to feel ever-so-slightly crampy (like when you know your period is going to come soon, but hasn't really kicked in yet). At this point I felt like I knew it was coming, that we would lose this baby. As the cramps started to get more and more pronounced, I started to grieve. We didn't know if it was for sure yet, but my body really felt like it was "ramping up," and I just felt like the cramping was a bad sign. My husband was not ready to accept it yet and kept hoping (he says he didn't want to have to deal with it unless he knew it was for real), but I started to say "I think this is really happening."

My neighbors across the pathway went to the store for us to buy a bottle of wine (apparently it's a uterine relaxant), and told me to put my feet up and drink tons of water (can't hurt, right?). She also brought over her cloth menstrual pads so that I could borrow them--what a love (I use a cup and don't have any pads in the house!) I tried all of that (felt weird to be drinking wine again!), but the cramps just kept on going and I was still bleeding (the bleeding was starting to be a bit more dark red than brown too).

My daughter was just running around the house amusing herself, but kept coming in to check up on me (she'll be 2 next month). One time she came by she said "No cying mommy," so I said "Oh, I'm okay, I'm just sad. It's okay to cry when you're sad, sometimes it helps you feel better." She thought for a second and then said "Sowwy mommy." (omg--soooo cute, it actually made me smile and giggle a little--thank God for that little girl!) "Sorry that I'm sad?" "'kay" (this is how she says "yes") So I told her that kisses and hugs from her definitely make me feel a little better--so she gave me lots of kisses and a hug. It was SO super sweet.

Anyway, around 8:30, I finally geared up to nurse her before bed. I had to tell her "my stomach is feeling owie--I want to give you boobie before bed, but I need you to be really still and quiet or else it's not going to work. Can you do that?" Darned if she didn't do a great job--lay down next to me and nursed peacefully off to sleep right on the couch.

My husband finally carried her to bed a little before 9:00, at which point I decided to admit that I was finally miscarrying. I sent my husband next door to ask one of our neighbors if they had any "overnight pads" we could use--just so we would have a measure of how much I was bleeding so that we would know if I was bleeding too much (my mw had said if I go through 2 overnight pads in 1/2 hour, go to the ER). My awesome, awesome neighbor came right over and hugged me and sat and talked with me--she brought over all of the pads in her house, 2 bottles of juice, and offered to sleep with the phone by her bed so that she could come sleep with my daughter if my husband and I had to go to the ER. She also said that her family would come by at 6:30 the next morning (when my daughter wakes up) and whisk her off to their son's soccer game for 6 hours (my daughter LOVES their family and was thrilled)!

Once my neighbor left, the cramps really started to get intense. At this point, I put a bowl inside our toilet to catch the clots--I wanted to know whether the placenta and fetus had come out, and I didn't want to miss them. From about 9-3am I bled through about 5 big overnight pads. I was getting up to pee every hour, and each time I would pass some big clots (walnut sized, and a couple even larger) into the bowl. My husband (loving vegetarian that he is) used a fork to strain through the mess each time to check for the fetus and placenta. I remember thinking that it was like post partem lochia.

For the first little while, we tried watching movies online to distract me from the contractions and the bleeding. That helped for an hour or two. I kept logging on here occasionally to ask advice, or read other people's stories. I love MDC.

At some point in here, the contractions got really intense and I really switched into "labor mode." I had my husband pull the futon mattress out of our guest bedroom and onto our living room floor (dd was asleep in our bed) and we curled up together to labor. I think it really helped to have been through labor and birth before--both in terms of dealing with the feeling of passing the clots (kind of a "well this isn't nearly as bad as the lochia after my daughter was born!" feeling), and in terms of dealing with the contractions.

I remember thinking that it was so WEIRD to be in labor again already. I just wasn't mentally prepared to be "giving birth" or "in labor." I had such grandiose plans about the preparation that I was going to do before this birth--practicing daily relaxation, etc. But I hadn't started yet (wanted to finish a big work project in November, and THEN focus on the baby!)...so it was a shock to realize that these weren't "cramps" they were full on "contractions." I didn't really realize it until I paid attention to how my dh and I were acting with each other. I had totally switched into "labor mode" curled up in that zone where I want it done and I want it done now--"put your hand on my forehead," "lie down closer to me," "rub my back...lower...higher," etc. And he had just calmly hunkered down to support me.

And it was sad to be in labor and know that I wasn't laboring for a live baby. I kept trying to remember how to relax through the contractions, but it felt so wrong to relax, when relaxing let the blood come out. I tried to picture the contractions as waves, which helped a little--I even used some of the imagery of my cervix opening that I used for my daughter's birth. I remember thinking back to her birth and comparing the two labors. It was bizarre...and in a weird way it made me feel a little better about what was happening--like the sensations and contractions were not totally foreign, and they meant that my body knew what to do. But it still hurt a lot, and it was sad.

By the middle of the night, my bathroom looked like a crime scene. At one point, I stood up to wash my hands at the sink before I'd gotten another pad on, and I noticed that I was dripping on the floor. There was a bowl of blood clots and pee in my toilet. There was a yogurt container full of clots on the sink (with a bloody fork next to it). There was a bloody butt print on the back of my toilet seat from where the blood smeared on me from lying on my back. There were blood drips down the insides of my legs.

The last time I remember going to the bathroom before I finally fell asleep, I got pretty freaked out--I passed a bunch of clots, and felt kind of light headed and nauseous. I thought I might puke (I puked a lot with my daughter's labor and SO didn't want to have to do that again now). I started getting scared that I was bleeding too much, but I didn't want to have to get in the car, bleeding and with contractions, and I didn't want to have to leave my daughter (even though I knew she was in good hands). I remember feeling angry that my mw wasn't there to "keep me safe," and that the only option was the ER.

After that bout in the bathroom, I came back and laid down with my husband. We turned on an NPR program called Radio Lab (an "episode" of the show that we'd both heard before in a situation that was really relaxing and happy for us). We turned the volume down low and listened for a while until we both felt pretty sleepy, and my husband turned it off and we fell asleep (I guess the contractions must have gotten more manageable after that last stop on the bathroom).

We finally got out of bed on Sunday and I called my mw's. They were concerned that I hadn't noticed the placenta. So I worried all morning that I was just in a pause, and that any minute things would start up again and it would be even worse because I had to birth the placenta--I imagined that this would hurt more because it would be larger than any of the clots I'd already passed. I'd also been reading this thread quite a bit, and imagined that the bleeding would be so much worse than what I'd already been through (although, looking back on it, Saturday night was pretty comparable to many stories on here).

Finally, I talked to my aunt (a family practice doctor) who suggested that perhaps the baby had died a few weeks ago, and was therefore much smaller than an 11week baby and placenta, and we missed it in the clots. She said that perhaps my body had gotten rid of everything and I was done--that it sounded like I had bled enough that most things had cleared out of me. This made me feel a lot better (in as much as such news can make one feel "good"). I had just been lying around the house dreading things getting worse again, but after talking with her, I walked around a bit more, talked with a couple of neighbors, that kind of thing.

My body was only bleeding like a light period again...totally bizarre after the gore of the night before. I only went through one overnight pad the entire day (and only changed it 'cause I wanted a fresh one, not because it was used through). Monday was very similar. In fact, I watched a couple of neighbor girls (6 & 8 years old), and had a good time with them. (I even sent them to the bathroom at one point to wash their hands and remembered as they were halfway there that it still looked totally gory! YIKES! WAIT, I said...let me just make sure the bathroom is clean...and I ran in there and it took me several minutes to make it presentable! I came out carrying the trash basket full of bloody pads with yogurt container full of blood clots over my head so that they couldn't see in...one of the girls asked me "why did you have to clean the bathroom?" to which I replied..."It was just REALLY dirty"...







I'm SO glad I realized it BEFORE they went in there!!!)

On Tuesday morning, it was the same thing--very light bleeding. I had a mw appointment at 3:00, and another neighbor came by to sit in the house with my daughter while she was asleep so that I could go to the appointment. Just after she came over, I went in the bathroom to clean myself up. I sat down to poop and passed the placenta--I could feel it coming out and caught it in my hand, but it didn't hurt at all. It looked different from the clots--lighter in color, WAY more solid, and didn't just look like blood...it looked like more somehow--more texture or something.

So there I was sitting in the bathroom with my pants off, no pad on my underwear, a neighbor in my living room (20 feet away...very small, one story house), and my placenta in my hand. I was totally flabbergasted. I managed to get myself cleaned up, ran into the kitchen, grabbed a yogurt container, plopped the placenta in, and ran back to the bathroom to clean up. I took it to my mw appointment for confirmation and just started bawling there. It was so bizarre to be going there and to NOT be pregnant. It was such a contrast to the last time I had been at the office. It was awful to be putting my feet up for a pelvic exam and not be pregnant--instead to be bleeding and a bit bloody from placenta. And it was so bizarre to leave and just say "well, see you around" instead of "see you next visit"...and it was SO sad to think of all the visits that I wouldn't have, of the relationship that I'd envisioned having with my care providers, etc, etc. I bawled in the office, and then I bawled some more as I carried my little yogurt container with placenta back to my car.

That evening I bled more again--like a normal period flow for the evening (it scared me, but I guess that's normal because as the placenta separates from your uterus it leaves a kind of wound). My husband and I had walked downtown for dinner, and we had to call a friend to come pick us up and drive us home because I was feeling really freaked out to be bleeding more heavily again. But by within a few hours, I had really light flow again, and by Thursday I stopped wearing a pad.

My body doesn't even feel pregnant anymore now--just 1 week later. I'm not famished anymore, not exhausted, not nauseous, not (as) irrational, and I have more milk available for my toddler (I can feel my letdown again!)...it's really very bizarre to feel so suddenly not pregnant (I mean, with no baby to distract and exhaust me in a whole new way).

Okay, well, that felt good to type that out. I should probably just save it to my hard drive instead of posting it on here, but what the hell. Thanks all.


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## ann_of_loxley

I have had two miscarriage - one after the other (no period in between). I have an appointment tomorrow to see if it is something that we can control (like low progesterone or something) as I do not seem to have a problem getting pregnant, it is just staying that way...

My first miscarriage was at 4 and a half weeks.
The second at 5 and a half weeks.

With both m/c they started out as a little bit of blood stream in some cervical fluid. With both, somehow I knew it was not just normal pregnancy bleeding.
I didnt bleed heavily though until about 36 hours with both. Thats when I started to bleed more and started to get some cramps.

I have to say though (and this is why I suspect progesterone issue - endometriosis) that my periods were heavier or just as heavy and always more painful than my miscarrages.

I did have painful cramping with my miscarriages, but both time they lasted maybe about 5 hours and could be eased with some pain killers. (my period cramping is much worse than this though - lasts for a few days and is hard to ease with basic pain killers)

I have used my mooncup for each.

Unlike my periods, they are not as long and do not tapper off. They have been about 5 days each and just suddenly stop despite being a heavy flow.

The difference I notice in the mooncup is what appears to be a lot of water on the top (that seems to seperate itself from the blood and clots). I dont get this water stuff with my period.
With my first m/c I had a huge dark blood red chunk come out of me that looked and felt like a liver but it was more round in shape and about the same size as a £2 coin. That was my only 'clot' with that miscarriage.
The second m/c had lots of little dark red clots (like I get with my period- except these looked more rough around the edges and not so smooth as my period is) and then fleshy/pinkish/greyish chunks that looked kinda like the skin on a chicken you buy in the meats section. It felts very firm and tough to the texture as well. I am not sure if this is normal so I will see at my appointment tomorrow. There is also alot of ewcm with this m/c.

Physically with my first miscarriage I knew right away as I no longer felt pregnant. My boobs and nipples were so SORE with that pregnancy and they just went away over night. It was confirmed with a temp drop (I was temping still).
With my second, I had no physical pregnant signs (thats why I thought I was not lucky that cycle and was actually surprised to see a BFP!) - but as soon as I started to bleed I started to get pregnant symptoms...like really sore boobs and lower back pain. Only now that the bleeding is stopping that my boobs and lower back are no longer hurting. This m/c was also confirmed with a temp drop.


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## 3pink1blue

Mine were all heavy bleeding, except my last one. It was like a light period, and then the baby came out. It was amazing and heartwrenching at the same time. It was about the size of your thumb, from tip to the first knuckle, and was very see-through. It had dark spots where the eyes were. It looked just like the Nilsen photos, only more transparent. I was 8 weeks along lmp.

I put the baby in a little sandalwood box that my grandma had given me years ago, and buried it under an arbor vitae in my yard, next to my cat. It was so surreal.


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## missmykael

I really needed this!

Wednesday morning I woke up and felt like I had to go to the restroom...BAD. I sit and sit, but nothing. Suddenly I have this violent wave of nasea, start sweating all over and get really dizzy. I couldn't think of anything that would make me feel better so I just sat there. Suddenyl it was gone as quickly as it had come, so I went back to bed. DH asked if I was alright and I told him what had happened. He looked very concerned.

All day I feel over tired. Then take a nap. When I woke up, I went to use the restroom and see red on the tissue, and some pea sized clots in the water. I *knew* then. I began crying uncontrollably and DH knocks on the door to see what is wrong. He came in and held me. He is always there exactly when I need him and offers exactly what I need.









We headed to the ER and take DS to his dad's for the night. No more blood, but the u/s said there was no heartbeat.

*As we are leaving we had to pay $100 co-pay. I thought we did not have to pay co-pays for maternity care. I was informed that since I had lost my baby this was no longer considered maternity care. SO WE HAD TO PAY, ONLY BECAUSE OUR BABY WAS DEAD!!!! I was so angry I couldn't do anything but smile at the poor lady who clearly understood the absurdity in this*.







:

After three days of nothing happening, and a second u/s confirming the absence of a heartbeat, I decided to find some herbs to get things started. Black Cohost worked, but made me REALLY nasaeous, so I stopped. reg period type blood until Tues.

I went to the restroom just thinking I have to pee. As soon as I sat I saw a SPLASH! As the water breaks. I freak out a little, but then out comes the placenta. This is too much for me to handle, and I completely forget that I wanted to save what I can for a ceremony. I just flushed really quick.

So now I have been struggling with constant dreams of my baby drowning in a giant tiolet. I can see me (as from the baby's view) and wonder why my mom (me) wont save me. (Yes I'm going to the therapist)

I had severe ppd with DS and feel that this is the same. I definatley echo many of you in sying that this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.







:


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## sarsy

Thank you to everyone who is sharing their experience and feelings. Every word is helpful- I feel as though I'm in a room with many loving sisters.
I'm still waiting for my miscarriage to happen. I was told at 8/9 weeks that the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks.
I spotted a couple of weeks later, and again this week (4 weeks after that) with nothing inbetween, or since.
After the devastating sadness of learning about the loss, now I feel like I'm in limbo- and I feel somewhat pressured to take medical action (the pills) by my doctor, although I'd like to wait if possible.
I feel as though she thinks it's stupid of me to wait, and I worry if I could be causing any possibility of infection if I do? I'm an emotional rollercoaster, but trying to pretend like I'm taking it in stride. Hardly anyone even knows that I got pregnant, so other than my very loving husband, no one really knows what I'm going through.
Thanks very much to everyone here- I finally feel like I understand what's happening in my body a little bit better, and feel like I can finally take a deep breath again.


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## shantiani

Sarsy, you're describing almost exactly what happened during my first m/c. I found out at 10 weeks that the baby had stopped at 6 or 7. I wanted to wait for it to happen on it's own but the waiting was truly a torture of limbo. The bleeding finally(!) did started on its own at 12 weeks, but was just like a light period and I wondered if that would be it.... Then at a few days later I had a few hours of intense cramping and heavy bleeding and felt a huge relief to finally have closure.
I wouldn't worry about an infection (not that I'm any expert of course) but in my case my body just broke things down enough that the m/c was, physically, relatively easy.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Finding out and trying to accept the loss are so very very hard. I hope that it will only get easier for you from here on out


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## sarsy

Shantiani, thank you so much for responding, and for sharing your painful experience with me. I do feel so much better knowing that you're there (even though it's making me cry!). With your support, and with the compassion of all of the women on this board, I'm sure that I'll be able to get through this.
Together we are knowledgeable, and with that knowledge, we are strong.
Much love to everyone here.


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## jessymama

Thank you so much for this thread. I am so sorry for all your losses









At the moment, I am waiting to miscarry. So just reading through this thread is so heart breaking but at least I know what to expect.

I am supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant, I had an u/s yesterday and the baby was measuring at 6 weeks and there was no heart beat. The ultrasound technician tried to sugar coat things by telling me that it might be too early to see a heart beat and I should come in for another one in 2 weeks to be sure. Well, my doctor was the bearer of bad news and said that my baby is gone.

Now I just have to wait for it to pass naturally. I am terrified of a D&C.. but I am also terrified of carrying a dead baby around for another couple of weeks. I am at a loss.


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## slowtime

It's been just over a week since the start of my miscarriage. Physically, it's been relatively easy. Emotionally, I don't know how to talk about it.

I had an ultrasound yesterday that confirmed that my miscarriage completed itself naturally. They weren't able to tell me for sure, but based on my emergency room ultrasound a week ago, it looks like my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. I was 10 1/2 weeks.

I had 2-3 days of light brown spotting before I went to the emergency room. At first it just looked like a little brown in my discharge, but it kept getting heavier. Last Monday it looked like the brown bleeding I usually get on the last day of my period, and was accompanied by minor cramping. When I woke up on Tuesday the cramps were worse, and the bleeding was thick and dark red, with clots. I went to the emergency room, where their ultrasound showed an empty gestational sac. They couldn't tell me for sure whether there had ever been a baby - they wouldn't even officially diagnose the miscarriage. They said I had to wait.

I saw my midwife the next day. No new information. I was still bleeding, but not heavily. Immediately after my appointment, I started having heavy cramping. I spent the next 3 hours in the worst physical pain of my adult life. I couldn't sit, stand, walk, or even lie down. During that time, I had very little bleeding. It was confusing and very scary. I kept moving back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom, hoping that I would start bleeding so the pain would go away. I called the clinic, and the nurse said I could take ibuprofen. (They had said before that I should only use Tylenol because they couldn't officially say I wasn't still pregnant.) Either the ibuprofen worked, or 3 hours of agony was enough. Either way, the cramping let up. I bled more that evening, but still only in the bathroom.

It's been exactly a week since the worst of that cramping. I bought some pads, but I've barely needed them. I've had some bleeding and some cramping every day since last Tuesday, but I've never bled enough to fill a pad. I don't know when I passed the sac - I never saw or felt anything that I could identify. With the exception of the pain I felt last Wednesday, the miscarriage was physically like a very light period.

I wish we knew what happened. I accept that we'll never know why, but it's awful not knowing what. Probably it was a blighted ovum, but no one can say for sure.

I've been home from work all week. They wouldn't let me come back without a doctor's note, and since we didn't know if it would get worse or if I'd need a D&C, we waited until my appointment yesterday. I go back to work tomorrow.

I've been walking through the last week in a fog. I'm still learning how to navigate my life post-pregnancy. I felt sort of like this when my best friend died three years ago - like some basic element of myself had changed, and I just had to wait to see who I would become. Who am I, now that I'm nobody's mother? I was nobody's mother in August, too, but I'm not the same now as I was then.

One more thing - yesterday, the day my loss was officially confirmed and I saw my uterus empty on the ultrasound screen, was also our 5 year wedding anniversary. DH and I went out to dinner, but we couldn't really celebrate. It was not a happy anniversary. But I told him what's been on my mind ever since we cried in each other's arms in the emergency room last week - there is no one on earth who I'd rather be so happy and so sad with.

This thread has been helpful. My heart goes out to everyone who's ever had to come here. I wish none of us were here.


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## BarefootQueen

Wow thanks for this thread..

My story happened 4 yrs ago come January but just reading this thread I am full of shivers and shakes. It never does fully go away does it?

My Husband and I got pregnant right away which surprised us both as he had tried 11 yrs to have a child with his first wife and I had tried a year with a previous relationship. Neither one of us were able to conceive a child in that time.

My pregnancy was good.. except I spotted alot. My first visit to the Dr I was bleeding as though I had a period. In fact, when I had my Ultrasound and the Dr told me to go ahead and let out a little urine I passed clots the size of a 50cent piece! I cried and thought I was losing the baby at my very first visit but when I went back to the room and he inserted the wand there was the baby with a healthy heartbeat.
That was my 6 week visit.

Every visit I'd go back I'd be bleeding or spotting but the Dr saw no reason to be concerned. My belly grew and my breasts grew tremendously lol. I began to feel the baby move inside me.. but I still bled. It got to the point I couldn't do anything without bleeding.

At my 18 week appointment (Dr's said I was 16 weeks but I knew when I conceived and I was 2 weeks ahead of them) I was laying on the examination table and the baby kicked hard enough for my Dr to feel it. She exclaimed that he had kicked her hand and she seemed shocked. I expressed concern with bleeding so she had me to get an ultrasound. There was my baby on screen, looking good, moving, kicking, spinning, everything looked good. The Dr even commented on my placenta saying it was the best looking one he had seen yet. I was concerned with how much time he took taking measurements of my cervix and stuff though but didn't give it a heck of alot of thought.

Two nights later I was laying on the couch with my Husband, we were watching The Scorpian King and I felt a gush of fluid between my legs. I stood and went to the toilet thinking I had peed. But as I pulled down my pants I began a steady drip of fluid with blood in it. I called my Mom and she advised me to call the Hospital. They told me to come in.
We went in and of course I was thinking no way was I gonna lose my baby.. I mean.. that only happens to OTHER people you know?

They brought me to ER because my midwife refused to see me. I don't know why. The first thing the Dr told me after reviewing my charts was that my placenta had a problem. Ok that was news to me.
I was 1 cm dilated and freaking out. My Mom asked if I could listen to the heartbeat so the Dr finally let me. It was steady and strong. I could still feel the baby moving.
I was told to go ahead and go home and the Dr told me

"Go home.. you will bleed and within a few hours you will pass a bloody mass with a small alien like creature about 2 inches long."

Nice.

We left and on the drive home the radio was playing and Celine Dion's song "beautiful boy" came on. I cried so hard and told my Husband that maybe everything would still be Ok.

We went to bed and I lay there trying to sleep, finally dozed off but at 4am I woke up with the sharpest pain I've ever felt. I sat right up and cried out so my Husband woke up and grabbed me. He asked me what we should do and I told him I didn't know..after a time though I knew I needed to get in the bathtub so I asked him to draw me a bath.
I got in and the water helped my cramping out it seemed.
I began having contractions and as they got closer together I told him we should call the family. He did and most of them arrived. My Mom and his Mom came into the bathroom. My Mom immediately took over and checked me over. She instructed my Husband to hold my hand through my contractions.

At around 7ish I began to really feel alot of pressure in my belly and began to feel almost like a fluttering feeling in my vagina if that makes any sense. My Mom was telling me to Push and my instincts were to push but my heart was telling me No because the baby wasn't ready and wouldn't that technically be killing him faster?!
As it turned out I had no choice.. I felt two large bubbles come out of me and one was the baby.
I was too afraid to look.. honestly the whole alien looking critter the Dr described scared the shiiit out of me!

But my Mom held the baby in her hand and said "You had a boy" I peeked and immediately burst into tears. In her hand was the most perfectly formed tiny baby boy. He was about 7.5 inches long and was bright red. I could see his insides through his skin which was very very fragile. His eyes were sealed shut but he had ears, nose, mouth, perfectly formed fingers and toes.
I took him and held him and then my Husband held him while we waited for my placenta. That took forever to come out so my Mom finally had my Husband cut the cord and he took the baby out to show the family. I freaked out without the baby near me and began pushing to get the placenta out. It finally came out and I immediately threw up. I guess just the stress of everything hit me.

I did see the placenta, it was really cool and I'd have liked to check it out closer but I was in no frame of mind to do so then. My Mom whisked it off into a trash bag and told me to close my eyes. She began cleaning the tub and me and the one time I peeked I saw a white trashbag chuck a block full of bloodied paper towels and clots and my placenta all the way at the bottom LOL.

Once I was cleaned up she helped me to the livingroom. I felt really heavy and sluggish. I laid on the couch and they placed the baby in my hands. His head tipped back and his mouth opened and for just a second I thought he might be alive. I looked in his mouth and saw tiny white teeth buds and the littlest tongue I've ever seen. He even had fingernails and toenails! I spent alot of time examining him. He looked alot like my Husband. He had a teeny weeny penis and when I turned him over he had the cutest little butt.

Only thing I could see wrong was that one side of his body was smaller than the other. Well, that isn't really the right way to put it. Like, his left side was formed correctly but his right side was swollen? And being able to see through his skin I was able to see a large blood clot in his leg. It's always made me curious about what was up with that but I've never found out. I refused to bring him to the Hospital.

I held that baby all day long. I took foot prints using a marker and coloring his feet and then stamping them on paper. I took him into his Nursery and laid him in his bed and I covered him with one of his blankets. It seemed the right thing to do. I needed to mother him if that makes sense.
Later, I took him into my bed because I was falling asleep. I fell asleep holding him and woke up to my Husband taking him away from me. It was time to bury him.
We walked outside and his Dad used our tractor (we live on a farm) to dig a hole. It struck me as strange the way he kept digging and digging. He dug a hole that was like 8 feet deep. He had made a coffin while I was sleeping so we laid the baby in that.

My Husband and I took turns shoveling the grave out once the tractor could dig no deeper. I had to stop because I was cramping so badly. I don't really remember the burying part. I don't know who put the coffin in or who covered it with dirt. I just know it was done.

And that's the story of my baby's birth/death. We named him Reuben June. The name we had picked while I was pregnant was Tru Joseph if it were to be a boy.. we had thought maybe it was a girl and had been calling him a girl all along so it was a surprise to find I had a son. The name Tru didn't seem right so I asked for a baby name book and the name Reuben jumped at me. It means 'Behold a Son' and June means 'Born in the 4th Month'.

Sorry this got so long..


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## diana_of_the_dunes

This isn't the way I wanted to introduce myself here, but I guess I'll do it anyways. Women who say that a miscarriage is one of the loneliest things you can go through are absolutely correct. I know others have been here and understand, but somehow that doesn't really help. Maybe telling my story will...

Hubby and I conceived the last week of August while on vacation. We had been trying for a few months, but that time around, we really REALLY tried, lol. And it worked. Less than 2 weeks later (I have short cycles) we found out I was pregnant.

Before my first doctor visit, I had a little spotting, but didn't worry much about it. When I did get to the doctor for my first visit, they said it was normal as long as I wasn't cramping. They also took blood tests, which I assume were normal, since I never heard anything else about them.

I had a few other light spotting episodes in the next 6 weeks. On Oct 29, I noticed I was having quite a bit of clear, watery discharge. It didn't occur to me until the next day that maybe this was amniotic fluid. Over the next 24 hours, I started spotting a light pink, then brown, then dark red, then bright red. On Oct 30, in the evening, I started to have some very light cramps that were barely noticible. I called my doctor's emergency number, and they told me to go to the ER to get checked out. At this point, I know I'm going to miscarry. I was still hoping for the best, but I just knew.

Once in the ER, I give up some more blood, and wait for what seemed like an eternity. They order an ultrasound and tell me I have to have a catheter to fill my bladder. I tell them I am NOT going to have a catheter, and I will happily drink all the water they can find. The nurse and I go back and forth a bit, then she agrees to call the us tech. Tech says no catheter is necessary, in spite of the policy, and I guzzle 24 oz of water in about 45 seconds.

I watch the us screen and the measurements the tech is taking. One is marked "CRL", which I guess was crown-to-rump length. But the thing she's measuring doesn't look like a baby or even an alien. I ask her if that's it, and she says she's not sure. There are two sacs visible in my uterus, but nothing else. I ask if there's just no baby, and even though she's not really answering the question (liability fears), she indirectly tells me that there is no fetus to be found. I'm sad, but I also felt profoundly relieved. At least there never _was_ a baby....

The doc confirms that I had a blighted ovum and sends me home to miscarry naturally. According to the us, I was 2 weeks or so along when the baby stopped developing. It never even turned into an embryo or fetus. I was given some vague guidelines about how to tell if I am bleeding too much, but no clear idea about what is normal for this kind of thing. We got home around 1 am and try to act normally. We watch a movie, then go to bed.

By this time, I'm having pretty intense cramping that changes to contractions. I have a high pain tolerance, but this was the worst pain I've experienced in my life. It felt as though every muscle in my abdomen was being ripped apart. I just curled up on my side and breathed through them. Eventually, I managed to sleep for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and check my pad. When I stood up, it was like the floodgates opened. I got to the toilet and gushed blood. I passed some clots, but couldn't see them because the water was too dark with blood. I also had loose stools and horrible chills.

Just about every hour afterwards I got up to "empty out". At least 5 times, I passed clots that felt about the size of lemons. I would also just gush blood whenever I stood up. By 6 am, I was feeling dizzy whenever I stood up. My mom came by at 9 am and brought me Gatorade and more pads. She said I looked very pale, and I was still dizzy when I stood. We decided to call the doctor to check and see if this was normal or if maybe I was losing too much blood. I talked to the receptionist or whoever she was and explained the situation. She said she'd have a nurse call me soon.

An hour later, and no return call from the doc's office. I had to crawl back from the bathroom because I felt so awful and was afraid I'd pass out if I stood up. I called the doctor again and talked to the nurse this time. She said she'd check my records from the ER and call me back in a few minutes.

Another hour goes by and still no phone call. Hubby calls this time and practically yelled at whoever was on the other end, only to get the cryptic answer of, "If you think you're losing too much blood, go to the hospital." I told hubby I had enough, and off we went. I was still bleeding just as much as I had been 7 hours earlier, passing large clots, and having major cramps. I'm still not sure how, since nothing but a yolk sac developed, I was passing so much tissue and bleeding so much.

My OB came to the ER and said that from the blood test results, I had lost about 2/3 of a liter of blood overnight. He wanted to do a D & C to stop the bleeding. I hate unnecessary interventions, so I asked him if he was sure I needed it. He said he'd do an exam just to make sure that I wasn't nearly finished. Having a speculum inserted while you're dilated is agony. It felt like he was using steak knives instead of plastic spoons. During the exam I bled all over the floor, and he said I still had a lot of tissue and blood left to get rid of. I went ahead and got the D & C.

90 minutes later it was over. No cramps, no blood, no nothing. I was just profoundly exhausted. Whenever a nurse would come talk to me, I'd just start crying all over again. They were very compassionate and caring, and I just couldn't help it. Kind of like when you were little and wouldn't cry about something until your mom got there. I hadn't cried at the hospital the night before, but he second time around, it seemed that's all I did. By the time I got home, it felt like someone had rubbed sand in my eyes.

I had to un-tell everyone that knew I was pregnant (and since I had been on restrictions at work, that basically meant that EVERYONE knew). I have lots of support and love from friends and relatives who have been through miscarriages, but I still feel very alone. I felt I was doing a good job dealing with this a month ago, but that I'm not doing as well now. I went back to my normal job, which was a huge relief, but I feel like the most of the joy has been sucked out of the world. I used to feel generally contented and happy, and even though I still find enjoyment in some things, it's not the same. That warm glow that I had even before I was pregnant is missing, although I've noticed in the past few days I'm starting to feel more at ease again.

The worst part, to me, is that I feel like God is punishing me and that I deserve it. Before we were married, hubby and I had gotten pregnant. At the time, I felt it was best to have an abortion. Now I feel like God had given me a gift and I rejected it. It's like God had me miscarry this time so that I would know what it was like for Him when I terminated that first pregnancy. So I think I'm now more upset about my abortion than I am about the miscarriage. But I obviously can't tell anyone that, since nobody but hubby and I knew I was pregnant that first time. And please don't judge me, since I know very well that what I did was wrong. You can't make me feel worse than I already do...

Hopefully, writing all this down and getting it out will be therapeutic for me and maybe for someone else. Reading through others' posts has been a little help, and I know I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel. The doctor said that we can start trying again after 2 normal periods, so we'll give it a go after Christmas. And, for what it's worth, I filed a complaint at the office about their failure to call me back during an emergency. They handled it with the stupid and insensitive receptionist and nurse, but I'm not going back there again...

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone here, even though I don't really know you all yet... Thanks for the opportunity to share my story.


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## Carlyle

Diana, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you feel so alone







I hope you stick around and post a thread in the main forum (instead of just the sticky) because you'll get a lot more responses and support. It sounds like you had a really hard miscarriage (so much bleeding--it must have been really scary!, and horrible "service" from the hospital to boot).

It sounds like you're having some really hard feelings about the abortion--I'm really sorry. I don't think God is punishing you. At the very least, if you want to look at things that way, maybe God is giving you the chance to appreciate and love your next child that much MORE because now you have more knowledge about just how tenuous a new life can be. Don't beat yourself up, you know? You've already been through a lot. Just give yourself some room to grieve that loss too. I'm sorry I'm not much more help, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.


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## lisa_nc

Diana, I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. I agree with Carlyle. Stick around. The women here are very warm and understanding with one another. Be kind to yourself.


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Thank you for your comforting words. I usually don't beat myself up, but I've just (over the past 2 weeks or so) come to realize exactly what I did when I had the abortion. That pregnancy was the same age as the one that stopped developing. Ironic.

The post was therapeutic for me. I've felt a little better since writing it, since now it's not a secret. And I poured out my absolute worst feelings, that were so overwhelming at the time. I'm starting to look forward to being pregnant again, which is how I ended up here at Mothering to begin with, and it's nice to have something to be excited about.

And, FWIW, I guess I don't really feel that God is punishing me. I believe he's forgiven me (even if I haven't quite gotten to that point myself), but I feel very undeserving of that forgiveness. I've never felt so acutely that I really am a sinner. I guess I'm not as perfect as I thought...







:

Now that I'm in a less self-pitying mood, I thoght about editing the post, but decided to leave it as-is. It's how I felt at the time, even though I don't always feel that way. It would be kind of dishonest to mess with it.

Thanks again for letting me get that off my chest and for being supportive


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## Carlyle

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better Diana


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## lisa_nc

Oh, Diana, I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies. No one will ever judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves.


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## Katica

Diana, I`m so sorry for your losses.








I beat myself up over past sins too. But what you said is absolutely right: God forgives and doesn`t look back. If you`ve already asked His forgiveness then in His eyes the case is closed.
I really don`t believe God is punishing you for the abortion but it sounds like you need to heal. I`ve heard a lot of good things about rachel`s vineyard ministries. I believe the web address is rachelsvineyard.com.
I pray for healing and for a future healthy pregnancy for you..


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## CawMama

We found out this past Wednesday that our baby had passed away. I was supposed to be 11.5 weeks, but the ultrasound measured the baby at 7.5 weeks.

I had been spotting for a little over a week (light pink and brown mostly and really light). It sort of came and went and was even gone for a few days at a time, so I didn't worry.

On Monday, the bleeding picked up quite a bit and became burgundy red and had more "substance" to it.

After the ultrasound, the bleeding picked up a bit more. Still no cramps. On Friday night, I started to cramp and thought that this as the miscarriage happening. During the middle of the night, I had two spurts of thick blood come out in the toilet. The next morning, placenta was delivered.....I knew that's what it was because my midwife told me that it would look stringy.

I figured that I was done, and that the baby had passed (plus the thick heavy-ish bleeding slowed way down). Sunday morning, I started with the thick heavy bleeding again. I felt really weird, so I laid down and took a 2 hour nap.

Around 5 pm on Sunday I started having contractions. These were as intense and painful as the real labor contractions I had when I gave birth to my son. I worked through each one for about 2 hours, and then they stopped as soon as they had begun. I went and sat on the toilet, and passed some tissue that was just about the size the baby should have been at 7.5 weeks. I asked my husband to come look at it (because I wasn't sure if that's what it was). He was confused, thinking that the baby would have been bigger, and flushed the toilet. He felt really bad when I told him that was probably the baby. I told him "don't worry, that wasn't the baby just tissue....the baby's spirit has been gone for a while". I felt bad about it, but didn't want him to feel bad too.

It's amazing the range of emotions I have been going through....severe grief, anger, sorrow, relief... I am really glad that I did not have a D&C....personally, I don't think that it would have given me the true closure that I needed. Of course, I don't judge anyone who would choose to have one done, it just wasn't the right thing for me and my family.

Our 2.5 year old son has witnessed this entire thing from the moment I found out that I was pregnant. I have been very open and honest with him, and educated him about the entire process. He knows now that the baby is not in my uterus, but has gone to Heaven to be with God and Jesus. He even got to see the baby in the toilet (but I didn't tell him that's what it was). I'm so glad that we chose to include him in this and let him learn about the process. I can't wait until we become pregnant again so that he can (hopefully) go through an entire healthy pregnancy with us.

To those who are reading this because they are experiencing a miscarriage....please do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. I felt really silly calling my midwife to come and be with me when dh was at work. Now, I'm so glad that I did....I really did not want to be by myself through this process, it was really scary at times.


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## NoelleInLove

This is my story as well as my intro to the board. I have been reading for almost 2 months but I just today created an account and decided to post.

I have had 2 miscarraiges in 2008. The first was in April, I was 12 weeks along. Went in for a routine u/s to confirm dates and the baby did not have a heartbeat and measured 11 weeks, 4 days. We decided to wait it out, just in case. A week went by and we went back to the u/s tech and found that baby still had no heartbeat and was surrounded by blood. My m/c began naturally that night while I was laying in bed. I started cramping lightly, by the morning I was bleeding heavier than a period and around noon that day I passed everything all in one gush. I caught it with a collander I'd put under the toilet seat. I scooped everything up. It was a mess of clots but inside was a perfect round deflated ball looking thing. I considered opening it up to see, but I chose not to and instead wrapped it all in a receiving banket I'd purchased for the baby. We buried the baby in our rose garden. That baby is named Rose in my heart and she was, I believe, a girl. I was very sad about her death, but I also believe something was wrong from the beginning and I knew deep down it wouldn't work out.

Second miscarraige was much harder on me emotionally and physically. It took place this past October. I was 14 weeks along and feeling great, had an u/s @ 12 weeks showing a perfect little baby, been feeling great and just knew in my heart this baby was going to stick. On the 2nd I noticed some brown tinge to my discharge. Nothing serious I thought but I called OB anyway. The discharge let up but she insisted I come in to be looked at. They were unable to find heartbeat via doppler, but I truly believed this baby was meant to be so it seemed impossible that there wasn't some sort of error. Went over to the u/s room, and when I saw baby's lifeless, unmoving, no heartbeat body on the screen I just couldn't believe it. Baby measured 12 weeks so probaby died shortly after my last u/s. I could not come to term with the fact I'd been walking around happy and excited for 2 weeks with my dead baby inside me. It still makes me sick to think about all the happy fun things I did during that time period. I know I had no idea and I can't blame myself but still...
It was like my world ended. I wanted to wait out the miscarraige again. This time I went home and crawled into bed, ruined. I had my other 3 girls to think about but I just couldn't. DH did everything and thank God he has an understanding boss to be able to do so. I didn't get out of bed for almost a week and that time is just a blur to me now. I finally snapped out of that but still was so sad. I was a hollow shell walking through my life. Getting the girls dressed and fed, nursing Gracie, all without any sort of feeling but just deep sadness. I still feel that way a lot.
The miscarraige still hadn't progressed three weeks later, and and u/s showed things breaking down. My OB is kind and didn't want to push me, but I really needed this to be over with. I couldn't walk through life dead on the inside. So I took the Cytotech rx she offered. It took me a few days to ask DH to take it to CVS and get it filled. Finally he did, and I waited another 3 days to actually work up the nerve to insert the pills vaginally. I laid in bed nursing Gracie to sleep. It really hurt, worse that the last m/c. I couldn't sleep, was shaking and shivering so I decided to take the Percocets she gave me an rx for, they helped a lot. I felt no pain after that and fell asleep. The next morning I went to the bathroom and stringy things were coming out of me and large clots. It was WEIRD. So different than my last m/c. All day pieces of tissue came out randomly, and there were lots of big clots.
Went back to the Dr. office for another u/s. Baby was still there. I expected that since I didn't see the big deflated ball I'd seen the first time around. So I had to to the cytotech again. This time didn't hurt as much because I took the Percocets right away. Things seems to continue coming out in pieces mixed with blood clots. There was never one big gush or large deflated ball like the last time. I suppose baby has decomposed? Horrible thinking of it that way though. Including the waiting and the actual miscarraige that process took well over a month. I had no remains of the baby to really bury, at least nothing that looked or felt like a baby to me. I haven't even named the baby because nothing seemed right. It has been so unsettling and painful feeling so unconnected.

I hate to say if miscarraiges were all like my first one I'd be willing to risk it again for another child, but I don't think I can face the chance of another like my second one. It was just too difficult. I am so lost as to what to do next. Thanks for reading this if you did.


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## CawMama

Thanks for sharing Noelle, and welcome to MDC!


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## lisa_nc

Noelle, I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad that you decided to join in as the ladies here are really wonderful. There's a very good mix of being able to be sad as well as a healthy dose of optimism and support. You've come to a good place, even though I know none of us wants to be here.


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## CawMama

So....I thought I was done, yeah right!

Felt fine on Monday, went out to lunch on Tuesday....was feeling really optimistic and physically good. Tuesday around 4pm, I started having mild cramps that got worse and worse and worse. Dh was at work, so it was just me and ds at home. I started panicking because the pain was so bad. I couldn't get hold of anyone to come over and help me.

I was on the toilet, bleeding out chunks and clots. I'm in full blown labor.....moaning, swearing, trying not to traumatize my son who is wiping my tears with kleenex (he's 2 1/2). I must be transitioning, because I'm puking out one end and bleeding out the other. My husband gets home, and he freaks to see me in such a condition.

By this time, the pain is just unbearable. I get in the shower to try to get relief....I stay in there until the water starts to get cold. When I stand up to get out, blood starts pouring out of me. I grab a towel out of the linen closet, and lie on the bathroom floor in severe pain.

I manage to get myself dressed, and come out to tell my husband that I need to go to the hospital. Major snowstorm outside, puking the entire way and unable to even sit up....we get to the hospital within 20 minutes.

The nurses are asking me all kinds of questions that I can't answer because I am in such pain. I get wheeled into a room, and lie there alone on the bed huddled in a ball....puking and bleeding all over once again.

A nurse comes in with a speculum....I tell her she must be kidding. She says "well, we need to take a peak to see what's going on....but first we have to get your pain under control". Yah think? Within 20 minutes (seems like 5 hours) I have my first dose of morphine, and I can finally unwind my body and look around and view my surroundings. My husband and son come in to see me, and I was glad that I could look and act somewhat "normal" so my son would know that things were going to be ok.

Another nurse came in and I asked her if I was going to die from the bleeding. She says no, that she's seen people bleeding off the table, and that no I was going to be ok.

I have no idea what is going on....nobody is talking to me. Shift change, new nurse, one who will actually communicate. (I'll leave out the details of the pelvic exam I had....that was just great). They take me down for an ultrasound. The tech tells me she's not supposed to tell me anything or let me see the screen. I peek anyway, and I convince her to give me some info. She says that everything has passed, there is no tissue in my uterus, and that my uterus is filled with clots.

An hour later, a doctor comes in (the first time I've seen a doc in the 5 hours I've been there). He informs me that I've just had a "complete spontaneous abortion". He realizes how insensitive he is and says "uh...I mean miscarriage". He's gone within 2 minutes and I wait to be discharged.

I wonder, what was the point of all of this? Why did I have to experience this pain and terror on top of the loss of our baby? What lesson will come of this in the future? When I look back in the years to come, will I say "oh yeah, that makes sense....now I know why I had to go through that.?". I don't know....

I hate to have been so graffic with my description, but it was the worst day of my entire 35 years of living. I have never questioned whether I was going to die. I have never lost so much blood. I have never felt so helpless.

If this ever happens again....I will say yes to the d&c. I will not try to prove anything to myself or anyone else by trying to let things happen naturally. No thank you...


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## diana_of_the_dunes

Carrin - I'm so sorry for your loss (especially having two separate "episodes", that must have been really traumatic) and that the hospital was so crappy to you. Hopefully writing it all out helped you some; it was therapeutic for me when I wrote mine... I hope you stick around and eventually find the peace you deserve.


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## sishii

First off I would like to thank everyone that has posted their stories, I am one of those people that want to know all the details about things I experiance in life and this really helped me prepare and comfort me last week for a really hard time.

So here is my story:

I was two days away from 12 weeks and was looking forward to the next week so that I would have my first official doctor's appointment (basically so I could finally tell all my friends and family that I was pregnant, I was dying to tell everyone about my excitement) I had had the blood work done the week before and everything looked good. Well that day (last Monday) I was cleaning and getting ready for my sister in law and her family's arrival, when around early evening I had to go the bathroom so bad and when I went I discovered quite a bit of dried blood on my underwear, I knew that it wasn't good and started bawling. I went down stairs and told my husband that I thought I was going to miscarry. The next morning I called my ob and told them that I was bleeding red blood like a period and so they scheduled an ultrasound that day. I went in and saw the baby on the screen and thought that maybe everything was fine, that is until I noticed that the tech wasn't saying much. She then told me she was sorry that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks and their was no heartbeat. I was trying to be brave, but tears just streamed down my face. I then went and took the results to my doctors office and she kindly explained my options, D&C, prescription, or just do nothing. Since I was already bleeding she said it probably wouldn't be that long. I took the prescription just in case but decided to let things happen naturally, but I must tell you I was in such shock that it was even happening to me I kept thinking that maybe the baby was still alive and everything would be fine, I was really emotional and upset about the whole situation. The next day I was still just bleeding, but then at around 4 pm I started feeling like I had to go number 2 really bad and then all of the sudden I felt this pop and then a gush, I thought I had blood running down my legs so I quickly got in the bathroom. I discovered that it wasn't blood, it was actually amniotic fluid. There was another gush and this time it was fluid and blood. About 5 min later I started having contractions, actual labor contractions, they were like when I was about 8 cent. in my past 2 births. They were coming every minute apart, it hurt pretty bad and since I didn't want to get blood anywhere, I just sat on the toilet. I started passing clots and there was a significant splash that even my husband heard from another room, which I think was part of the placentia. So this went on for two hours, I was dripping blood the whole time, until all of the sudden the contracions got worse and then all of the sudden I felt a big piece come out. When I looked at it, it looked like a sack a little bigger than a walnut. I wasn't sure if that was the sack, but it definitly looked different than anything else so far, I poked at it, but I didn't try to open it I don't think I could stand seeing a little baby. I took a picture of it for future reference or to show the doctor to confirm if it was the sack. After I passed that the contractions totally stopped instantly and I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I wasn't really bleeding anymore so I went and took a shower and felt so much better. I bleed like a period for 3 days after, and then for 2 days really lightly and brownish pinkish. Today there hasn't been any blood, so I think my body is done with it. I must say that I was so sad when I found out the baby was dead that I told my husband that I didn't want anymore kids, that I was completly done. But then after I passed the sack I felt like I so wanted a baby so bad and I was so sad that I wouldn't be having a baby to hold. I am trying to gently convince my husband that I really want a baby after all and would like to get pregnant in about 2 months (that's what my doctor recommended if we wanted to try again) I just hope my period comes back really fast, I would have never wished for that before! So this has definitly been a very difficult process for me, I still fight back tears when I see a pregnant lady or someone with a little newborn. But I know now that God really does have his hand in all things and it was meant for a reason, that I am not in control of every situation in my life. I have felt peace thru this whole experience, but it was and still is so painful, I really hope that I will not have to go through another experience like that again.


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## peanutmama

I had a miscarriage in July, 2008. I was 11 weeks along. I remember hubby and I were with our DD grocery shopping. I didn't really feel anything unusual. When we got home though, I went to the bathroom and found some brownish blood on my underwear. Alarm bells started to ring in my head, and I rushed out and told hubby. We called my doctor, and she told us to either just wait till she can see me tomorrow at her office, or go to an emergency room. I did go to the emergency room, and we had the most appallingly insensitive doctor attenting to us. I heard him bragging about having a new son born two weeks before. I had my blood drawn, and an ultrasound. I could see that the baby was measuring too small (around 7 weeks) and had no heartbeat, but the sonographer would not confirm it.

The doctor told us that "you had a missed miscarriage, there is no heartbeat, and no growth. It's no big deal, you're not the only ones to have a miscarriage. You can try again. You have a 5 month old baby right now anyway, so it is not a big deal. Well here is a prescription for Percocet, and just go home. You'll bleed, and don't freak out if you see clots. Those are fetal parts. It's not big deal." All the while he was smiling, and acting like it was exciting. I was crying, my hubby was crying, and here was this jerk grinning at us. I sooo wanted to yell at him but I was so upset, I just ignored him and left.

I went to my doctor the next day, who confirmed the miscarriage. She was more patient with me, and gave me my options. I opted to have a D & C because I did not want to wait. I felt like I just wanted to get on with my life. I was crying in the doctor's office when she left to get something. I requested a printout of the ultrasound pic she took, and she kindly gave me one.

That night at the hospital, I was feeling so sad, and kept holding on to the last moments that my baby was still inside me. When I woke up, it was all over. In contrast to the emergency room doctor, I remember being surrounded by very compassionate nurses. I was very thankful for that.

I didn't bleed too much for a few days, I didn't have cramps, but I did have an empty feeling inside, and I was very sad. I cried a lot. I was feeling very thankful I had my little DD next to me.

A week or so later, I went upstairs to the bathroom when I discovered a lot of blackish looking blood along with a lot of big clots in my underwear. I never even felt it come out! It was on my pantiliner and there was a substantial amount. I showed my hubby and he said that it may be leftover things from the D & C. Even though you have a D & C, things might still be left, and my body cleaned it out. I looked at it for quite a while. It was almost black! I spotted for a couple days after that. I had my period 4 weeks later.

I am now 7 weeks pregnant, and I have a very good feeling about this pregnancy. I had my doubts with the pregnancy I lost, like I didn't have many symptoms, and I lost them pretty much by the 8th week. I'm confident though that this one will stick.


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## MommyKris

I've been losing my child since Monday night. In fact, that's why I've spent New Year's Eve on my PC reading posts and crying. I would have been 6 weeks yesterday.

We have a 6 year old son, so I (vaguely) remember what early pregnancy feels like. I had a hunch that I was pg and tested + the day my period was due. I was hot, hungry, I had cold symptoms and my breasts were HUGE







and sore







However a few days ago at 5wks 2 dys, I started feeling funny... less pg, if that makes any sense. I didn't dwell on in much until 5 wks 4 dys when I saw some pinkish spotting on my underwear, which wasn't too scary, but my abdomen also felt crampy and uncomfortable. The discomfort, although mild, kept reoccuring. I knew something was very wrong, but I was on a mini-vacation 3 hours from my doctor, and I knew that if this was the beginning of a miscarriage not much could be done anyway. The next morning, I urinated and a pale pink glob plopped out of me. It was about 2 inches long, somewhat round (at least when it first landed in the toilet) I felt it come out, and stared at it in the toilet for a while, but couldn't really ID it. Was that it? It was strange because there was no blood in sight at that point--just a light pink tinge in my discharge. I was vey confused by that. I didn;t even flush it because I was considering examining it more later (unfortunately, my husband flushed it before I had a chance). As the day progressed, so did the discharge, quickly going from pink to brown to dark reddish-brown to period-red. By the time it turned red it was also very heavy. That night I was spewing tons of period-like blood and clots and other tissue into the toilet. I was looking at everything trying to find the small beginnings of my baby. In my mind I wanted to confirm that this was really happening--I needed to see a body...but I knew, and know, that this is unlikely at this stage of pg. I cramped a lot that night so I had to sleep curled up in fetal position, and the next morning, I felt like I was in labor. I was in intense pain for about 3 hours. I just folded over and cried. I filled two pads in that time, but with much less substance than the previous day, and nothing identifiable. See my confusion? It seems like everyone else on here cramped, bled, and birthed the baby, at which point things improved. I'm not really even sure what happened to me. I'm still bleeding
I'm dreading going to the OB for fear that the baby may not have been fully expelled. I don't know if I can take a surgical removal. I know I didn't even make 6 weeks, but I've been crying so much. And I don't feel any sense of closure right now. My husband tried to cheer me up by taking me to the movies. We saw Marley & Me, and in one scene, Jenny loses her baby at 10 wks. I fell apart right there in the theatre---forget the fact that it's an emotional movie anyway!
I haven't told anyone that we lost the baby, yet. We literally just told our families that we were expecting around Christmas--right before all this transpired. I'm so sad right now, and I have so many questions about the child I'll never know. I'm only 26, but I'm scared to even ttc again. I don't think I can deal with this type of hurt and disappointment again. I worried a lot with my first pregnancy--and that was before this happened. I'm dreading having to tell my family and in-laws that we're not having a baby after all. I think verbalizing it to them will be very difficult for me any I'll burst into tears all over again.

On a (slightly) positive note...I feel [still bad, but] much better after reading so many stories on this blog. I hope you don't think poorly of me for being so distraught over a pregnancy that was lost so early on. May God bring His peace to all of us.


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## CawMama




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## diana_of_the_dunes

Everyone's m/c is different, so it can be confusing... Not everyone can find a sac in all the tissue they lose. I didn't. And sometimes the bleeding can last for quite a while. I'm so sorry this happened to you


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## cad's_mommy

Well, I've had three. To me, it's a baby from the beginning. It is defintely worse as the baby grows, but a baby dying at any stage in pregnancy is heart breaking to me.

My first miscarriage 11/99 was also my first pregnancy, and I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage.
I was at home alone, I thought I was on my period, I always have had extremely painful periods, and it was heavy bleeding so I had no reason to think other wise. At some point I realized that lying down in the fetal position was no longer helping me, but instead hurting me, as was my tampon. So, I removed the tampon and sat on the toilet for 4 hours, and I just cried. The pain was so severe that I was calling my mom to pray, because I had never experienced a period (what I thought) so painful. And getting off the toilet wasn't an option, even in all the pain, it hurt more to stand up or to lay down.

I called my MIL to send some Motrin home with my dh (we were Newly Weds and were broke), she said that she wouldn't becuase it sounded like I had an etopic pregnancy and that I needed to get to the hospital right away. MIL worked in the medical field.

By the time dh got home from work, the baby had passed, and I could see a strange pinkish red lump in the pile of blood in the toilet. Stupidly I flushed it. All I can figure is that I was out of it from being drained after 4 hours of massive pain on the toilet. And being alone and scared to top it.

Things just got worse for me when we went to Urgent Care. The Urgent Care Dr. refused to check me out when I explained to him that I believe that I just had a miscarriage. He spoke to me like I was an idiot, and sent me away. I figured out that I was between close to 3 months pregnant at the time of my miscarriage. Thankfully, nothing was left and I was fine physically.
(When I went into labor with my seond child, first time going into labor naturally, the memory of my first miscarriage came rushing back, the pain was exactly the same, it was a horrible memory to have.)

With my second miscarriage 6/07, I unfortunately knew what was happening to me only a few days after I learned that I was pregnant (A few days after I made the wonderful announcement that we were pregnant again. And then to have to make the horrible announcement that there isn't a baby anymore.). Thankfully, it wasn't as painful becuase I wasn't as far into my pregnancy. But, it was still painful and truly heart breaking. People would ask how far I was and you could tell in their tone that since I was only 6 weeks, that it wasn't that big of a deal. A miscarriage is a miscarriage. I still had to tell my then 5yr old son that the baby died. He still cried. I still cried.
I did end up going to the hospital to make sure it was all out, I bled for 24 days, and was told that is a long time to bleed for a miscarriage. I was fine, but had the extremely invasive ultra sound performed. And I wasn't even showed anything. I was given a EDD for this baby, so I have two dates to grieve over. And my now 7 month old ds, was born the day after I miscarried, but a year later. So, I celebrate my ds life, and grieve for the baby who died.

With my third and very recent 11/08, I knew I was pregnant and miscarried at 4 weeks. I miscarried this baby on my 9th Wedding Anniversary. I didn't want to be pregnant so soon after having my ds, because I'm not at a healthy weight, but I prepared myself for the possibility, and even looked forward to it. So, I was very disappointed when I realized I miscarried. For me, the bleeding time makes the miscarriage worse. With this miscarriage I bled for 11 days, once the bleeding stops then I can deal with loss. The bleeding is a constant reminder of my baby that will never be.

I know that my stories are nothing compared to some, but loss is loss, and I am so sorry for everyone's loss and pain. May God comfort you. He is the ONLY reason I was able to get through anything in life.

Darcy wife to Jeff







11/01/99 mommy to Carder 05/28/02







: Adryenne 06/28/05, Davis







:







06/05/08, and my three angels.


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## MommyKris

A few days ago I wrote about my miscarriage, thinking the worst was over. I was wrong. The next morning, I passed a very distinct, nickel-sized piece of reddish/brownish/purpleish tissue. Within this tissue was a very small, clear area. It looked like a bubble. Within this bubble, which I am assuming was the sac, was a very tiny, whitish, translucent mass. It looked just like the early embryo pics that I've seen. It must have been my baby. Fortunately, this landed right on the toilet paper. If it had gone into the toilet, I would have never been able to distinguish it from all of the clots and tissue. Since I was able to see it up close, I noticed that it was not the texture of a clot at all. I showed it to my husband, who seemed to not think much of it. I was so convinced that this was my baby that I decided to save it. Hopefully, we'll bury it sometime. I decided to put it in my engagement ring box, which was the perfect size. She's in the freezer for now.

To make a long story short--here's that part that was particularly difficult:
Yesterday, I decided to go to the doctor to make sure that everything was draining properly. She was very compassionate, and even talked to my husbnd and me about how a miscarriage can impact our relationship with eachother. She said that usually the grieving process takes several weeks, full of good days and bad. Husbands grieve, too, although often in a different way than we do. Everything seemed fine until we were leaving, and I noticed that I was cramping again and I felt like I was bleeding a lot. I went to the bathroom and the fluid seemed particularly stringy...almost web-like. We got in the car to go home. The cramping strength increased from being like menstrual cramps to full-fledged LABOR. It was just like when I was having my son. I was in so much pain that I yelled for my husband to pull over and I threw up all over the side of the road (I vomited several times when I was in labor with my son). This scared my husband, so he u-turned and took me right back to the clinic. They seemed scared, too, so they rushed me in for an ultrasound. They saw nothing with the transabdominal one so they did a vaginal one. This made the contractions and cramping even stronger. There was no space between them--it was just one, long, excruciating contraction. I literally was praying that I would pass out so that I would not have to go through such intense pain. I was crying, too--not just because of the pain, but because I felt so awful about enduring another labor and having people poking and prodding at my naked body... and not even having a baby to show for it. The doctors wanted to understand what was causing such intense pain, so they sent me (priority) to the ER. Eventually, after almost 2 terrible hours, the contractions began to let up. The ER nurses gave me morphine. That helped even more, but made me sleepy. The ER OB/GYN ordered additional ultrasounds and blood tests to make sure that I was not experiencing an ectopic pregnancy or anything else life-threatening. They released me in the evening. I am still bleeding, still traumatized, still cramping (lightly), and still trying to cope with this whole ordeal.


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## MirandaJane

*First off thank you for starting this thread it truely helped me to understand that I am not the only one who has or is experiencing this problem...So me and my fiance had talked about having a baby and we didnt think that it would ever be a problem he already has a three year old so I knew that there shouldnt be any problems on his end...well I found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks after I concieved...I went to a free pregnancy clinic about a month and a half into my pregnancy they did an ultrasound and didnt see anything...then they told me that either I was going to have a miscarriage or I just wasnt far enough along yet to see anything...I hoped for the best because I would have never expected something like this to happen...then I finally went in to see my reagular OB/GYN and he did an ultrasound and didnt see anything...they drew blood to check my HCg levels and set up an appointment for the following week...when I went back in to see him he told me that my HCg levels were where they were suppose to be so they did another ultraound to determine that there was not heartbeat and no baby...and he told me that it was called a blighted ovum...I was devestated but after the past weeks ultrasound I more or less prepared myself for the worst and hoped for the best...I didnt want to get my hopes up to much just to get shut down cause in my heart I knew something was wrong I just didnt feel right...well I am now about 3 and a half months pregnant...and today I was at my fiances work and felt something strange I looked at my pants and discovered blood on the inside of them...I went to the bathroom and when I did there was a lot of blood on the T/P I stood up to dicover that the toliet was filled with blood...so I assume that this is it but the only thing is I am not in any pain and I really have pretty much stopped bleeding...I dont really know what to think about it or what I should do I called the doctor and they told me that as long as the pain was tolerable and I wasnt bleeding threw one pad every hour that I will be ok not to go to the hospital but I am so scared that something is going to go wrong and I am going to hurt myself....my OB/GYN told me that I should have a D&C but I just felt like that was wrong like if there was a chance that they were all wrong and my baby was ok like I was killing that chance I felt like if I let it happen naturally that I would feel like I wasnt hurting my own child...my OB/GYN explained to me that pretty much nature wants people to have healthy normal babies and that there was a chromosomal problem between the egg and the sperm so if my baby would have grown there would have been a problem that my baby would have suffered for the rest of its life...I mean that may be a far shot but for some reason it made me feel better like atleast my child doesnt have to suffer*


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## deborah_is_my_name

Hi all,

New to the boards, but thought this would be a good place to turn. Had my preg confirmation U/S today, and no heartbeat was detected. My midwife suggested d&c or misoprostol at home.

I am conflicted. They put you under here for D&C, and I do not like that idea. However, I have heard that misoprostol causes severe cramping, vomiting, etc., and that it could be a miserable experience. I have a 2yr old, also, who still slightly nurses, and I would have to refrain from nursing for 24 hours after taking the drug.

I am sure some of you have used misoprostol (Cytotec, I think?) and I am hoping you can share your opinion if it was something you would do again in this situation.

This is my third m/c., and the previous two passed naturally on their own. One before my son was born (fetus developed, then a spontaneous M/C around 8.5 weeks), then a blighted ovum a few months ago (I passed a day before a scheduled D&C).

thanks in advance....

deborah


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## Carlyle

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Deborah! I don't have answers to your question, but I think if you post a new thread in the main forum that someone will have advice for you. Folks don't tend to go to this thread nearly as much, so I would definitely recommend posting a new thread so that you can get advice. People on here are really nice.


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## rakishchick

I ovulated on/around 11/14 and got a BFP the day after Thanksgiving.

Here is my timeline:

12/23 - started spotting
12/24 - went to the gym for a 2 mile run and abs/weights. spotting turns to bleeding (i of course felt guilty after for working out...)
12/25 - now cramping accompanies the bleeding and then by the evening, painful cramps
12/26 - go to ER for the super painful cramps (i was 8 weeks and had never had an u/s, so wanted to rule out eptopic) that intensify every 5-8 minutes. u/s shows no heartbeat and baby stopped developing at 6-7 weeks. also the placenta is "irregular shaped". cramps subside by mid-morning
12/27 - no cramps but still bleeding. am optimistic that this baby might still have a chance
12/28 - severe cramps again with bleeding, and this time, tissue. my sliver of hope starts to fade
12/29 - schedule a follow appt with an ob/gyn for 1/6 at 9am
12/31 - have made peace that this wasn't our time for a baby and celebrate the new year with husband and best friend and her family and a few glasses of wine
1/1 - go for a really nice 3.5 mile walk on the beach with DH. it felt so good to be outside, near the water and doing something strong and active to lift my spirits

After the 1st, I decided to start working out again at the gym. I normally work out 5-7x a week and that includes, running, weights, aerobics classes, and yoga/pilates. I took it easy though the first few days, but still broke a good sweat. It was hard because I knew it was over, but just didn't know when it would be entirely over, ie. when/if I would pass the baby naturally or get a D&C and when the bleeding/spotting would stop. Working out and being active was my therapy.

1/6 - in the morning before my ob/gyn appt, i passed the baby at home and thankfully DH still hadn't left for work. i felt no pain and after initially being shocked, scared, and sad, felt an enormous sense of relief and peace that i knew this was really over.

my dr did an u/s to confirm my uterus was clear. i had brought what i thought was the baby with me and they sent it off to confirm it was indeed a "product of conception". i should have results in 2 weeks, but since my uterus was clear and closed, we are most certain that it was.

when i got home from the appt, i was so happy that i went for my first run since it all started. i know it sounds weird to say that I was happy, but really I was because I knew that my body was on its way to healing and getting back to normal so that we could start trying again.

The only part that has sucked in this whole experience (other than the physical pain and bleeding) was the twinge of guilt I felt because I did work out throughout my 8 week pregnancy (except of course when I was exhausted) and wondered if I did anything bad. But I know now that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could've done to prevent it. this would've been our first baby.

From this experience I have also developed so much confidence in my body and what it is capable of doing. I can't believe this, even after all the races, half marathons and full marathon I've done, THIS is the experience that brings me closer to my body and makes me appreciate it even more.

My bleeding has almost completely stopped too since my dr's appt. I am determined to be really strong for my next pregnancy and also more prepared. At least now I know I will be tired and hungry and to be sure to have lots of healthy snacks available. I also know which books/websites I will use as resources for my upcoming pregnancies, which of course, I hope to be soon =)

Here's a to happy (and fertile, haha) new year!

UPDATE - I heard from my yesterday, 1/16 and she said I was all clear and could start TTC!


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## millefleur

I think I've taken up enough space describing the details of my m/c on thisthread









So, that's my story, in a nutshell. Hugs to everyone who is reading this and going through the same thing. It's not easy, but we'll get through it if we stick together and support each other. It really helps to write it all out and to have the support of those who have gone through a loss too.


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## chel

I never posted here about my first m/c. It was cytotec induced and very uneventful.

This last m/c I let my body do its thing.

12/11 +HPT. I was just about to take some meds to jumpstart AF since it was over 2m since my LMP. I have PCOS and on glucophage. I was charting and using the CBEFM and saw no signs of O. But the week before, while on vacation, my boobs were very sore so I decided to test. With my last m/c I also O'd very late in my cycle (CD 40+)

I called my OB for a blood test right away. HCG was 2,000+ but prog was 10.6. I started oral prog. best guess is I'm about 6w

12/16 6,000+ HCG, prog 9+ called OB for different prog and had to wait for insurance

during this week I had an awful sore throat and bp was 159/94 (crazy high for me)

12/25 slight brown spotting in the evening

12/26 still slight brown spotting

12/27 start vag prog

1/7 1st u/s. gest sac and yolk sac measuring 6w, hcg 54,000, prog 19

1/19-23 slight brown spotting, need panty liner

1/24 moderate cramping, moderate spotting brown and red, finally need a maxi pad

1/25 went to the gym, walked 1mile, (mild to moderate cramping most of the time) went out for lunch with Dh and dd, and then the flood gates opened.
11:30am I felt something sliding out and ran to the bathroom. I had a overnight pad on. By the time I waddled the 30ft to the restaurant bathroom I had blood down to my knees. Sit on toilet, clots in my pad and on the floor. Once I cleaned up, nothing else came out. I tied my jacket around my waist and told Dh we needed to leave and I grabbed a plastic to-go bag to sit on.
Went home, took a shower.
1pm things really started. Intense cramping. I would sit on the toilet and pass handfuls of jelly red clots for about 10 minutes. Lay on the couch for 10 minutes and then feel something sliding out and back to the bathroom. Not sure how to measure thing by pads?! So I decided to go by how I feel.
4pm things slowed down. still cramping, but only running to the bathroom every 30 mins to 1hr.
1/26 didn't want to leave the home. moderate bleeding, but sudden heavy flow at times.
1/27 woke up and ran to bathroom, mild flow, did some ironing and felt the "heavy flow" feeling. A large "plop". Overall normal, but when I looked (tried to look at everything) it looked very round (other just went flat) and had some white speck. I grabbed it out and it was like nothing I had yet passed. Very firm and fibrous, size of a plum.

I'll update later, but wanted to post so I don't forget. I hope this is it though.

I've had the multi-loss blood work, but so far nothing out of normal range. I've been on glucophage and will start clomid next cycle.

If I had to do it over, I would still choose a natural m/c over a D&C with such an early loss. It looks like I face more losses since no one can find the cause of my m/c and I'm afraid of scar issues and such with multi D&C.


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## Mimi

I wanted to thank all of you so much for your stories, I am sorry for your loss, & sad to say that I am here now, too. reading this thread helped me a great deal with the decision to do this at home, to make it as beautiful as such a thing can be, & to be aware of what was happening.

I noticed light spotting around one week ago,(I was around 1.5 months pregnant at the time, maybe more, maybe less.) I ignored it, as I had bleeding during both my other pregnancies, & this was just the tiniest amount of brown / old blood. The first sign for me was, that I suddenly had no problem falling asleep. With both my other babes, & this one, I had real trouble going to sleep, but the night of the spotting I fell asleep the second I went to bed.
I woke up to find more blood. I cried a lot that day, (somehow hoping that , if i worry enough, someone would say "oh my, don't worry, it's perfectly fine,silly you..", but that didn't happen. the next three days it just felt like a heavy period, but then it got a lot worse. After dinner , when got up to get our pudding, I had what felt like a really strong contraction & blood pouring down my legs. ( I use a mooncup, so it must have been quite a bit to actually flow out like this.) I went to the bathroom & found the tiniest little bubble together with two other things, no idea what. I did open the bubble, & inside was a very tiny something, it looked like a very early stage, maybe 3 weeks, if that, it did not have any arms or legs, just a big-ish head & a body, & an eye on each side of the head.
The second after that big contraction all the pain just went away, I felt a lot better & strangely, less sad. The bleeding is slowly going away, it's been two days now & there is very little left. In a way I am thankful that it happened this early , because at the moment it feels like it would have been much worse if the baby would have been older, 4 or 5 months, or even more. so I am thankfull that my body knew that something was wrong, & that it knew what to do. I am pleased I did it at home,too.
I am thinking about planting a tree for the baby, but I am not sure if I want to remember at all. I think I am writing this to get over it, to sort of.. just..let go. I don't know.
Thank you all again for sharing your stories,
you have no idea how much you helped me.
<3


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## Claudia11

I am having my third m/c in a row right now. And I don't have any children yet but it hurts a lot, especially since my husband and I thought that we finally made it past the 9th week. All my pregnacies ended with the 9th week. I am not having any bleeding or cramping as of now and that's what put our hopes up high and this week they came crashing down on us. I went to my Doc for a check up, by now I am 11 weeks into the pregnancy. The nurse was looking for the baby's heart beat with an ultrasound radio and didn't find anything.... that gave me reason enough to worry. She told me not to worry since it is early in the pregnancy and so we went to take the internal ultrasound. The Doc showed my husbad the fetus on the screen but the first thing I'd noticed was that there was no heart beat visible. The doc became very quiet and started turning the ultrasound in the hope to find it.... he ven turned on the sound but there was nothing. He finally messured the fetus and said it is only the size of 8 1/2 weeks. I couldn't believe what he was telling us. So right now I am waiting to have the d&c or to miscarry naturally just like the last time I miscarried. My husband and I both individual started to think, what if the doc is wrong and his ultrasound machine is just broken and the little one's heart is still beating? What if we don't have a m/c? But the fact that the doc had messured the fetus and it was nearly three weeks behind and that he turned on the sound and there was nothing to hear brought me back to earth.
With the second m/c I started spotting at around nine weeks... I hadn't been to the gyn as of yet during that pregancy. When I got there they also tried to listen to the heart beat via the ultrasound, then the internal ultrasound and no heart beat either. 9 weeks in the pregnancy I got symptoms of the m/c right away. (That's why we were so happy this time that I had no symptoms and were sure it will work out this time.) My Doc and I tried to schedule the surgery but that same week I was unable to have the d&c done since I had to call and deal with my health insurance first. The week after that my doc didn't have anything available and so we scheduled it for the week after. The next days and weeks I got stronger bleedings, as if I had my period, and the cramps became more intense. They became so strong that the strongest pain reliever OTC didn't even help anymore. After 2 weeks in pain I was barly able to stand straight the next week. My doc had asked me when I came in for a visit that week, if I had already miscarried, I looked at him and had no idea what he was talking about....I had no idea what so ever about anything at that time. Nobody had told me anything. I just told him I hadn't; not even knowing if I did or did not. He just said I would know if I did. So I supposed I didn't miscarry yet. Two days later I was getting ready t go to school and just suck up the pain and discomfort but I got such strong cramps that I went from one bathroom to the next one and finally I stayed in one. I just sat there in pain not knowing what I shoud do.... it somewhat felt as if I was constepated but I know I wasn't. Then all of a sudden I heard a flop into the toilet and at the same time I noticed that all my pain was completely gone. I felt really good, somewhat relieved and relaxed. Then it hit me.... I must have just miscarried. I fished it out of the toilet and put it in the sink, I was just too curious. I saw a big sac, red with some tissue attached to it, and I tried to open it. It was a very though material but I got it open and clear fluid came out and then I saw the fetus. The neck was extremly long, not sure if that was the reason why it died, but I think something was wrong with it. The fetus already had eyes which were just tiny black dots and the nose was pocking out of its face too, a very tiny one and the mouth looked as if it was smiling. I would have never gotten to see all that if I had had the d&c in the hospital.
A friend of mine told me about this website and when I first came here I read a thread about a women who also got to see her fetus. It was almost as if she was telling my story 
With my very first pregnancy I was close to 12 weeks when I suddenly started light spotting, I had no other symptoms. My gyn ordered me in her ofice that same day and told me I was having a m/c. The next day I had the d&c. Everything went very quick.

These past few days I had been crying a lot due to the big disappointment but I am getting better and reading all your stories helps a lot, too. I know there are many women out there that know how this feels, no mater if there are already some children in the family or not.

I want to thank you all for sharing your experience.


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## Claudia11

Chel,

How many m/c did you have so far? Nobody can tell us either what is wrong and why I keep having all these m/c's (3 in a row). My gyn had told me that once everything has settled down with us, we could try chromosomal testing. Now we are saving up some money for that.


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## fairygirl13

well, my story is not as long as a lot, which is supprising because i have had 6 MC now. for a while i lost track, but it is 6.
ALL of them were before 8 weeks. 3 were "confirmed" pregnancies, 3 were HPT'S in which my period started with in a week of my BFP. my first MC was on Depo, the second and third were on the patch. the rest have been without birth control. the 6th was this past Oct, i have only had 1 pregnancy that resulted in a baby, and she almost did not make it several times. when i was pregnant with her i found out i have MTHFR, and it makes it very hard for the placenta to devlope/attach correctly, so if i am not on blood thiners, and extra folic acid (4 MG/day) i will mc, and if i dont mc the chance of me having a baby with a birth defect is high.

with all of them i saw nothing but period like clots, and felt about 4 times the normal pain of my period. never had to have a D & C, always passed naturally.


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## fairygirl13

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Claudia11* 
Chel,

How many m/c did you have so far? Nobody can tell us either what is wrong and why I keep having all these m/c's (3 in a row). My gyn had told me that once everything has settled down with us, we could try chromosomal testing. Now we are saving up some money for that.

i just saw what you had said right before i posted about my MC's, and the one test i would ask for is called a "Thrombophilia Panel", it test for a lot of the cloting dissorders, which a lot of women have but do not know until they try to get pregnant and have losses.

i had 5 MC before my DD, and it was not until i was pregnant with her when we found out, i got on meds right away, and other than it being one of the worst pregnancies in history, i have a beautiful healthy girl. and i did have one mc after her, because i did not know i was pregnant in enough time to get on the meds because of breastfeeding.


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## Claudia11

Thank you fairygirl13! I will ask my doctor about the test the next time I will see him.


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## Sarah05

i was 11 weeks along when i started to bleed. called my doctor and i had a u/s done and my baby was only 6 weeks . they told me that i was going to lose the baby over the weekend. i was crushed when they told me that. i had bleeding over the weekend with cramps it would go from heavy bleeding to nothing. i lost my baby on feb 6 09. the night before it happend i was bleeding really heavy and bad cramps that i couldnt even walk they went away but nothing fell out but i felt better. the next day i went to see my mom with my son ( hes 3 years old) and my other half when we got back we put our son to bed for his nap. i went back out to my car because i forgot something and when i was walking something fell out of me it felt like a big blood clot. went back into the house and went upstairs i looked and it wasnt a blood colt. i brought it into the doctor to make sure it was the baby i had to wait a week to see and i found out that is was. i loved my baby the moment i found out about her she will forever be loved and missed i was due on aug 25 2009


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## Claudia11

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sarah05* 
my heart is still hurt i loved that baby the moment i found out about it. i was due on aug 25 2009.


I would have been due on August 27th 2009. I am back in my home country now to get the D/c done and right now I am 13 weeks into the pregnancy but the embryo stoped growing after 8 1/2 weeks. I still didn't have any bleedings and except for some occasional cramps and other stomch pains I am alright, I think.


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## Sarah05

i hope that your okay Claudia11. its been a week since i lost my baby and im still sad and hurt that i lost her she took a part of my heart with her


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## Claudia11

Sahra05
well, I'd like to think that I am better, but sometimes there are moments when I am still pretty sad. I had my D&C done on the 18th of Feb. Now my husband and I have to get tested on everything they can test us on.... we don't want this to happen again. My husband told me that his Boss' stepdaughter had 10! m/c.... . I cross the fingers for all the women who want a child that they don't have to go through that again.


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## Sarah05

Claudia11,
Yeah i hope that none of us will have to go trough it again. im young and i got my heart broken thank god for my mom and my hunny bunny they helped me though it. well my mom did alot becasue she had a m/c after she had my brother. i still get sad somtimes too they other night i was thinking about my baby and just started crying. well hope that we all get better its hard to do but we will get their someday


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## marinak1977

I will add my story to this long sad list. I am so sorry for everyone's losses...
My DH and I have been TTC for over a year, and we found that we both have some issues. I have mild hypothyroidism (probably autoimmune in nature) and he has marginal sperm count and motility. Neither of us has children. We tried for a while, (I think we were missing ovulation a lot) and finally I started charting and we started on a fertility diet. On the second month of the charting - we hit the timing perfectly, and I found out a few days ago that I was pregnant. I took the test friday and the line was very faint, 2 days later it was still faint... My first Dr's appt was for wednesday morning. I had mild cramps for most of the week, but felt definitively pregnant. I was so sure.
Monday night I saw the first trace of brown on the tissue before I went to sleep. Tuesday morning I went to the bathroom and there was red blood. Then the cramps came, stronger and stronger. The blood started gushing out in thick dark strands. I think I was going to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
Next I started feeling terrible pain in the back of my neck, then a headache. My cramps were sharp and constant now, like someone was cutting me from the inside. My mouth felt dry and I was nauseous. I kept wanting tea. My DH was coming home from work and I barely got out of bed to pick him up at a bus stop. I spent the rest of the day on a couch in terrible pain - migraine, cramps, contractions, joint pain, and feeling nauseous and disoriented. Around 8pm I ran to the bathroom and threw up until nothing was left inside. Then I was able to fall asleep.
Next morning the headache and most other pain was gone, but I still had some cramps and bleeding. It was exactly 5 weeks. I went to the Dr's appt, and they did an exam and took my blood. As I was heading home the nurse called with the results. My hCG titer was 9. My pregnancy likely ended very early (possibly before I even found out). The nurse said that it was likely that most of the miscarriage happened the day before. I feel better in the evening, the cramps mostly gone, and bleeding seems to be less. I am still very tired and achy. And empty. We really wanted to have this baby.
We hope we can conceive again. I will be going for a nutritional assessment and trying to get as healthy as possible, and hopefully my DH will keep getting healthier as well (turns out he has a zinc deficiency which has a huge effect on the swimmers) I guess at least we got this far... Hoping to TTC again soon.


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## haleyelianasmom

I have one little girl and I was pregnant with #2, due October 4th, 2009. I was nervous through the whole pregnancy because my symptoms were really very mild. Yesterday I was 9 weeks 5 days. I had no cramping or pain, but when I went to the bathroom there was bright red blood. We are visiting my parents from out of town and my husband was at a job interview, so my dad took me to the ER and my husband met me there. They did some blood tests, everything was normal. They did a pelvic exam and my cervix was still closed, but I was bleeding still. I had an ultrasound and they didn't find a heartbeat. They said I could go home and get a D&C with my home OB on Monday (I don't have one) or I could just get it right then, but if I had heavy bleeding, I would have to come back. They also said you generally have to get a D&C past 8 weeks, so I decided to just go ahead and get it right then (not an easy decision, you always have those "what if" thoughts...). They took me upstairs, gave me some medicine in my IV to make me sleepy, then gassed me and I don't remember anything beyond that. I woke up feeling okay, just VERY tired and uncomfortable (hard to explain, but I just couldn't get comfortable or sit still even though I was SO SO tired). When I woke up enough, they gave me a snack and discharged me. That's about it.


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## MFuglei

Chrissy, I'm sorry to see you over here.









Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread - we lost our baby this weekend at nearly 8 w and I appreciate being fortified with so many stories to help me through the weekend.

My story: We found out we were expecting our 3rd child on Feb 12th. It was a total shock as we were CTA and we'd been very careful. It took us a few days to really embrace this pregnancy - after the shock wore off, we were very excited.

Last Friday (March 6th) at about 4:30, I had a small gush of bright red blood followed by spotting. The doc wanted me to wait and see what happened until the next morning and if I was still spotting, he wanted me to go to the ER and get checked to ensure this wasn't a tubal pregnancy. Saturday morning I went to the ER -- and spent FIVE HOURS there. They took gads of blood, did an u/s, a pelvic, swabs, and all sorts of stuff. In the end they told me that there was a sac, no pole or heartbeat, but I was probably off on my dates or something and that my Hcg put me at about 5 weeks pregnant. I KNEW I wasn't off on my dates since I'd been charting and I knew that my hcg was so very low that things weren't looking good. The docs told me to check with my OB on Monday, come back if I had more bleeding, and sent me home. I didn't spot for the rest of the day.

Yesterday morning I woke up spotting and with a stunning absence of symptoms. I had no painful breasts, no morning sickness, nothing. I just *knew* that the pregnancy was over. I decided that there was no way, if nothing went wrong, that I was going to the ER. I e-mailed a buddy who'd had losses and she sent me here for information - to prepare me. I cramped and passed clots throughout the day and then, at about 4, passed the sac and what I assume was rudimentary placental tissue. I'm glad that the stuff I read here prepared me for that moment.

I think the doc will want to see me at some point today and I plan on going in, but I'm exceedingly grateful that I didn't go to the ER yesterday. I didn't want to be managed, poked, and prodded, I just wanted to be alone.


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## BHappy

I just found this thread and am very grateful.

I am in the midst of my miscarriage right now. I will post my experience once it is complete.

xoxo
Karen


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## BHappy

I released my tiny baby in the wee hours of this morning. I was 12 weeks pregnant.

I had about 1.5 hours of labor-like cramping that was constant pain that had a rhythm of worse pain every minute or so. Prior to this fierce cramping, I had mild cramps and period-like bleeding for about one day.

So, at one point, I could actually feel the baby and tissues pass through my cervix. I knew then I need to go to the toilet. The cramping suddenly ceased. I passed the tissues and collected what I believe is the sac and the placenta.

The cramping continued with less severity for about three hours after the first releasing. The bleeding was very, very heavy. My midwife had told me that soaking an overnight pad every 1.5 hours was normal. I was soaking mine every hour, with gushes into the toilet every time I went to the bathroom. I got a bit concerned, and after two hours of this bleeding, I called her. She was not worried at all, and felt it was normal to have a lot of bleeding in the first few hours. Also, I was using the ultra-thin overnight pads, and she told me those do not hold as much as the big thick ones. I would recommend to anyone going through this to go and get those giant overnight pads, not the ultra-thins.

It is now 6 hours after the beginning of this emptying and releasing journey. I feel weak and exhausted, a bit pale, but not horrible. And my womb has a lighter, cleaner feeling that is hard to explain, even though I am still somewhat crampy. I was carrying my lifeless baby for probably 4 weeks.

My daughter and I will plant the baby's remains in a flower pot, with a flowering plant. She sweetly asked me what kind of flower blooms all the time... that's the one this baby should have.










eta: I'm still having slight cramping (now a day later) and heavy period-like bleeding. Just now, I passed something much bigger than anything I've yet passed. It was kind of meaty and as long as my pointer finger but thicker. I'm wondering if this is the placenta...


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## jemmyk

This was my first pregnancy. At 7wks I saw bright red blood in the toilet and it scared me so I went to the hospital and the doc did a U/S and she saw the heartbeat and told me that if I had more bleeding and spotting that I could come in if I felt the need but that it wouldn't be necessary because everything looked ok.
I spotted dark brown and some bright red blood for 3wks and 4days after that. I had some mild cramping at times but I just thought it was the uterus growing.
I went to the midwife after 2 and 1/2 weeks of spotting and they could not find the heart beat so they said I could get an u/s to be absolutely sure and that is what I decided to do. The u/s was the same day and they could not find a heart beat either. They said it looked as if the baby stopped developing at 7 or 8 wks. How devastated I was even though I had a feeling it was now confirmed and real that the baby was no longer living.








A week passed and on Sunday I started cramping mildly almost all day so I knew this was different than the cramping I had experienced before. (I am @ 11 wks now)
On Monday (4/13/09) @ 1am I felt heavy cramping and it would come on strong and then subside and come on strong again the way I can only imagine contractions would be like in early labor. I passed large and I mean _large_ blood clots. I can't even tell you how many clots, it was a lot. I went back to bed around 3:30 am with less cramping. So from 1am to 3:30am heavy cramping and then finally subsided to mild cramping again. I thought it was over even though I didn't see any thing that looked different than a blood clot.
At around 6pm the same day I started heavy cramping again. More blood clots and then a sac, it was Baby. I cried and cried. It looked different than the clots and wasn't soft like the blood clots. I couldn't tell if the placenta had passed with it but I would soon find out.
I then had to deal with the bleeding _a lot_ of bleeding, heavier than my heaviest period. Then at around 8:30pm more heavy cramping. (This was a long day!) Maybe 30 minutes later (and after passing some more rather large blood clots) came the placenta. The bleeding went down and just on and off mild cramping into today (Tuesday 4/14/09).
Exactly one week later and the bleeding is lessening. I had horrible cramping over the past three days, most likely my uterus cleaning more out. I have not been able to work for the past week but I am hoping to go back to work tomorrow.
This is not an easy thing to have to share but I gained better understanding of what to expect through the women on this site and truly appreciated them sharing their experiences.

Jemmyk remembering Baby


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## 2NovBabes

pls delete mods


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## angeloak

I am also in the midst of a miscarriage and wanted to thank everyone for your stories. I feel like this is such a hushed and silent topic but one that happens to many women and I appreciated people's willingness to share. A miscarriage has been really emotional for me and I am grateful to you all for sharing.


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## Shield

Thank you for sharing your stories. I too was grateful to read them during my experience--it made me appreciate how strong you all are as women and mothers. I opted for a d&c on Friday--for me it was the right decision because I don't think I would have dealt well with another couple weeks of waiting, watching, and wondering when it would happen. I was 10.5 weeks along but the baby had stopped growing around 8. Yet I still wasn't showing any signs--no spotting, no cramping, no nothing...in fact my body still acted like I was pregnant with nausea, moodiness, big boobies, etc. Now I feel like I am back to normal and can go back to my life and put this experience behind me. It was a very quick proceedure and I felt good afterwards--the recovery is much quicker than I expected!

I was very conforted to know this at the hospital and thought I would share. The hospital I went to is Catholic based, and the nurse explained that they cremate every single baby and put it's ashes into individually labled ziplock bags. They fill up an entire baby sized casket with the bags until it is full. Then they bury the casket. So the babies are treated with respect and care and even given a proper burial. I was extremely comforted to know this--it makes me feel even better to know our loss is joined with the other babies together.

Many hugs to all.


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## leftcoastmama

My heart goes out to everyone who has experienced this kind of loss.

I am walking around at the moment under the weight of my diagnosis, waiting to miscarry and finding it unbearable to go on with my life. I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant, and it was my first consultation with a potential care provider. My dh and I had had a lovely chat with him for about an hour, and were getting ready to go. He happened to have an u/s machine in his office so we said what the heck, let's have a look, and then let's bring the kids in so they can see too!

My baby had no heartbeat. It was perfectly formed except for the missing flutter, and appeared to have died at 10.5 weeks. I am totally devastated right now. In the bargaining and denial stage, swinging between that, hopelessness and anger. All the stages of grief at once. I have had four healthy pregnancies before this and am reeling in shock. I know it can happen to anyone, but I honestly never thought it would happen to me. Who does?

It is helping me immensely to read everyone's stories. Not in a way which lessens my own pain or shock, but in a way that makes me feel just a little less alone. I hate that anyone has to go through this. So much love to all of you.


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## InstinctiveMom

re: talking about loss with children
I'll include when and how we told our boys (ages 5 and 7) in my story.

I've been reading this thread since Thursday of last week, knowing in my heart that my baby was dead but only showing a few physical signs. That was the hardest part for me - feeling deeply that something was tragically wrong but not having it confirmed - but feeling that it was too soon to do anything that would confirm it, either, because I just wasn not ready to KNOW yet.

I had no idea that miscarriage was something that wasn't over with quickly - oh, you lost your baby, how sad... NO - it takes DAYS of waiting and wondering and worrying - and then even after you know for sure, it's still days and days (weeks sometimes) of painfully bleeding your baby away.

Going through this once is heartbreaking enough - I cannot imagine having this happen several times! I, too wanted to express my deep thanks and gratitude and sympathy for those of you who have shared your stories. It helps so much to know that others have gone through this as well.

I'm in the process of mscarrying - today is my worst day as far as cramping and physical pain. I'm taking 800mg of ibuprohen, which helps, but still. Emotionally, I am still deeply sad, but it's better today. I've had several days to process this and today is better, at least.

It started on Wednesday. I was 11w6d pregnant with my 3rd baby. I met with the midwife and when she looked for the heartbeat, she couldn't find it. The other midwife tried and then her again - after 15 minutes or so, still no heartbeat. They didn't seem too worried, so I tried not to be, but in my heart I knew something was wrong. That evening I went to the bathroom and saw brown on the tissue. Like another mama said, it took me a minute to realize and make sure that it wasn't a BM - it was blood. So I told my dh and then called my best friend (who is also my business partner and doula) and then the midwife. I said, "We should have heard a heartbeat today, shouldn't we? At 12 weeks, you should be able to hear a heartbeat." She said that yes, we really should have, but not to panic and that she would set me up for bloodwork to check my HCG levels the next morning. She said that I could go to the ER for an ultrasound, but it would have been an ER co-pay for us, and I wasn't sure that I was READY to see a baby on the screen with no heartbeat yet, so I opted for the HCG test first - then we could decide what to do next.

Thursday, I gathered up my 2 boys and we went to have blood drawn. We waited for 2 hours before we could be seen, and since I hadn't said anything to my boys yet, they were talking about their new baby a lot (as usual). When they asked what we were doing, why I had to have blood drawn, I said that they were just checking to make sure the baby was allright. After all, there could be nothing wrong still, right? 
The midwife said that she would put a rush on it and should have results by 6 - I waited until 7:30 to call her and she still had gotten nothing from the diagnostic clinic, so she said she would call in the morning. I knew in my heart though... I stayed in bed most of that day and by the evening, the spotting had stopped. In retrospect, it was likely becasue I was laying down the whole day and gravity does not flow sideways.

Friday morning, I was woken up by the phone (well, I was pulled out of bed by the phone - the kids were up long before that). The midwife said that my HCG was 10,079 - much lower than it should have been at 12 weeks pregnant and that I would definitely miscarry. I wasn't really expecting any different news, and we talked options. She said that I could just wait and let my body do what it needed to do, I could go to the ER for an u/s and possibly a d&c, I could call a local OB and go in for an u/s, or I could go see her (2 hours away) for some cytotec to help move things along. I wasn't ready to do anything yet, so I told her I would call her back. My kids went to my parent's house for the afternoon and I don't really remember what I did. My husband came home for lunch and we just sat on the couch together and talked a bit.
At some point Friday, I decided that I wanted it OVER, so I called back and asked if she could get me in somewhere for an u/s to make sure and then a d&c. She said that no, it was too late in the day and that the soonest I could get in anywhere would be on Monday. I said fine, make the appointment and I would go then. 
I really wanted an ultrasound. I didn't feel like I could take anything to help things along without seeing the baby onscreen and having it conformed that the baby was dead, and I would really have just loved to have a picture of him/her. Looking back, I am kindof glad I had to wait, becasue I realize now that a d&c would have been wrong for me - at least at that point. 
When my boys came home, I was in bed resting and the came and snuggled with me for a bit. I told them that it looked like we weren't going to have a new baby after all. That sometimes babies don't grow the way they need to and they die, and that that is what happened to our baby. My 5 year old said, "huh. I guess it will just be the two of us boys then." and got up - I asked where he was going and he said to watch TV. I let him. My 7 year old though, started crying and asked why our baby died. I told him that I really wasn't sure, that it just happens sometmes. That daddy and I were very sad and that it was okay if he was sad too. He started crying and told me how much he really really wanted a new baby. After a while, he went to go play a video game.

At some point Friday evening, I removed the baby ticker from my email signature and took all the pregnancy and expecting blinkies and stuff off of my MySpace page. I unsubscribed myself from BabyCenter and Your Pregnancy Weekly. I gathered up all of the pregnancy books off my headboard and put all my maternity clothes (that I was BARELY even in yet) and put them into a storage tub. I deleted our baby registry from Target.com (and sent them a nasty email becasue you cannot just DELETE it - you have to contact them to delete it and tell them WHY you want to delete it... that's just inhumane.) Friday night was the worst - I cried myself to sleep and woke up Saturday morning crying as well. I SO wanted this baby and the thought that it is gone is overwhelmingly heartbreaking.

My dh's father is ill, so Saturday afternoon he took our boys to see him. My BFF came over to the house with her kids. My dh and boys got back a little while later, and we put the kids on the yard to play and we three sat around talking all day - about the baby, about her miscarriage, about options and about other things that were unrelated to either loss. Her newset dd is almsot 6 months old (I was her doula at her lovely, perfect homebirth). She is so precious to me and at the same time it is so painful to hold her and love her. It was a good day, if that can be said in the midst of tragedy. I started bleeding again, bright red this time, with some small clots. I knew it was over at this point. 
At some point, we decided that the best option for us might be to go to a local ER for an ultrasound and then opt out of the d&c, depending on what is found.

So Sunday, we did that - we told the boys what was happening, that since the baby died, mommy had to go the the doctor so they could look at the baby and make sure, and then they might take the baby out. My 7yo asked what would happen to the baby, I told him that they would take it and run some tests and see what happened to it, why it died. He asked if they would fix it and give it back to us. You have to love how their minds work to process things! 
We took the kids to my parent's house. My 5 year old went in and matter-of-factly told my dad that "We were going to have a baby, but it died." We got them settled and went to a local ER. That was sepcial - when asked why we were there, in a room full of stargers, I got to tell them that I was having a miscarriage. We waited for about an hour and then went back to the little room, and the lady taking my info was pregnant. Also a very special experince, tellling her, again, that I was having a miscarriage. We went through this pregnancy's history and she tried to be reassuring, bless her, but I was feeling ugly inside and felt it was best not to say much lest something really nasty find its way past my lips.
We waited for a while, then finally went back to the exam room. They took blood and urine and then we waited some more. There were 2 babies in the ER that were crying - screaming for at least an hour. I couldn't handle hearing them anymore so I got out my ipod and went away for a little while. My BFF came up there for a few minutes, but they would only allow 1 person with me so DH stayed. 
After a while, a tech came in with the u/s machine - she tried on my belly, but had to do a trans-vaginal u/s. I'd never had one of those before. She said nothing and I couldn't see the screen. I asked dh if he could see anything and he said he couldn't make heads to tails of what was onscreen.
We waited some more total of 4 hours in the ER all told) and the nurse came back with the news. My HCG was at 5,790 and that the u/s could not detect a gestational sac. She said that I probably already passed it. Once we got into the car, I was calmer inside than I had been. KNOWING that there wasn't a baby inside me aymore helped a lot. I was having a hard time with the thought of a d&c, knowing what that does to the baby's body - I really didn't want that to have to happen to our baby. Knowing that it wasn't there anymore was comforting. My dh lost it on the drive home. I know for our boys, until he saw them on the u/s screen - I guess that's when they became more than just an abstract 'thing' - they were alive and wiggling and REAL. Knowing for sure that there wasn't a baby anymore was comforting to me, but for him I think it was the death of the last bit of hope that he had that it was a mistake. This baby was not planned - it was an accident and a surprise. He took some time to adjust to the idea, and I guess he adjusted better than I thought he had, becasue he was pretty heartbroken as well.

We went home and got our boys and called freinds and I posted a blog to myspace and to my playgroup to let everyone know what happened. We've gotten tons of sympathy from our friends and family, which is comforting. It's been 6 years since we've had a baby, so this surprise was SO welcome and so, so, so wanted by not only us, but by them as well.

The cramping started in earnest Sunday afternoon and night. We were watching a movie and my belly was cramping pretty badly. I took some ibuprophen and went to bed. I didn't cry myself to sleep.

Today is Monday - 5 days later, and I am cramping a lot and passing palm-sized clots. The pain is more than I expected, but not unmanageable. It's worse than bad period cramps - maybe as bad as early labor pains. It comes and goes in waves. They peak like labor contractions do, and then subside for a bit. I guess I could time them, but I don't really want to. There is a lot of blood - more than I expected, but not enough to be worried yet. The first really big clot came when I was sitting on the couch this morning - blood went all down my legs and onto the floor in a trail to the bathroom. Soaked through my leftover hospital-postpartum pad and through my pants as well. 
I didn't know that the clots would feel warm - that everything that passes would be warm to the touch. I can feel it every time there is a big clot. I have to look at them all - to see, to touch, to process. I'm so glad that the d&c wasn't offered - as much as I thought I wanted it, I am glad to have the opportunity to see what is being passed. As painful as it is, physically and emotionally, I am glad I get to see and touch everything. This is the last bit of my baby left and I NEED to have it in my hands at least for a minute.

I am still concerend about tomorrow - my dh is off work and home with me today, but tomorrow will be back at work. If I am still bleeding heavily, I'll need to ask a friend to come hang out with us so I am not alone just in case I start bleeding too much - I wouldn't want my kids to have to deal with that. I'm drinking liquid chlorohyll as a precaution.

So that's my story so far. I may edit this later and update my story, but it helps to have a place to write out what happend to me, to us, and know that it will be read by someone who needs details as much as I did and do. Thanks again to everyone who has posted here and my heartfelt sympathy for your loss, whether you're reading or have shared your story.

UPDATED TO ADD:
Today is Tuesday, and again, I thank goodness for this thread! I might have been terribly worried had I not been able to read some of the "normal" things that happen (like start bleeding/passing clots, stop, next day start again, stop...)

I am pretty sure that I passed the placenta late yesterday afternoon/evening. Most of the clots I passed were ring-like, about the size of my palm, dark red and felt gelatinous. One though was larger, more solid and had different textures and colors (shades of red, purple, silver/white tendon-like tissue). I didn't see anythig that was recognizable as a cord or a baby, but I feel pretty sure it was the placenta.
After that, the bleeding tapered off, and though I was still wiping blood away when I went to the bathroom, the water in the toilet was clear, not red. The cramping eased up as well, after about 6 or so hours from the start of it all around 10 that morning.

Today, I got up and things were fine - light cramping, nothing bad, and light bleeding - spotting, really. took a shower, which made me feel better. Then around 11, my dh came home for lunch and the bleeding started again - REAL bleeding this time. I was sitting in the kitchen talking to him and I felt a gush - so much that it went down my legs. There was a LOT of blood and some smaller clots - maybe half the size of my palm. I soaked the centers of 6 postpartum pads in about an hour and had to change my panties and pants 3 times. The last time, I could FEEL myself starting to black out. I lost my vision for a few minutes and thank goodness my dh was home with me because I had to ask him to help me off the toilet. I laid down on the bathroom floor and he wanted to call an ambulance, but I asked him to call the midwife first. He really wanted to call 911! I taked to my midwife and she told me something (to drink 2 big glasses of juice or water - sugar is better; and to lay down and not to sit on the toilet, I found out later). I got up off the floor and into bed with DH's help, and about that time my BFF arrived. I was dizzy and weak, and she said I was very pale. After some discussion, her dh was coming to pick up her older kiddos, and he's a paramedic, so the decision was made that he would eveluate and decide whateher or not I should go the the ER. My BFF called the midwife back and got the instructions and it was along the same lines as what my BFF's DH said - drink, lay down and wait 20-30 min and if I was still bleeding like that, it was time to go.
Thankfully, the bleeding slowed. My dh made me something to eat and after a while, I started feeling better. He went back to work and my BFF stayed the afternoon. There are still small (quarter sized) clots when I go to the bathroom, but I'm not "gushing" anymore (for now). 
My midwife called this eveeing to check on me. She said that sometimes the heavy bleeding like that can last for an hour or so and then taper off and that may be the "end" of things. I may still bleed, but probably not like that again. My instructions are to stay down, rest, not do anything busy or physically taxing - I feel fine when I'm sitting, but if I stand for a few minutes, I get dizzy and weak and it takes a good 10-15 minutes to recover. DH is worried about tomorrow, but I think everything will be fine. I am not anticipating bleeding like that again - I'm hoping that this was the beginning of the end...

The worst thing for me is that I have to be "taken care of" - I have to have a babysitter and someone who can take care of my kids. Not only is my body not able to grow my baby right, but it also cannot function properly to take care fo the children I do have. My dh has done every bit of cooking, dishes, laundry, childcare - all of it, and it's not that I am not grateful and so, so thankful - I KNOW how incredibly fortunate I am to be married to this wonderfully supporting, loving and kind man - it's just that those are MY JOBS and I want to be able to do them! I've read "be gentle with yourself" over and over, but today, that's very, very hard.

UPDATED TO ADD:
I think it's finally done with. Today is Monday 6-15-09 and the bleeding has slowed signifigantly. After that day (Tuesday, above), I didn't pass anymore big clots or bleed that heavily again. Wednesday there was light bleeding, and stayed in bed most of the day. Thursday was a bad day emotionally for me - one week since I knew in my heart that my baby was gone. Thursdays were the day of the week that I marked my pregnancy - so instead of 13 weeks, it was 13/1. Friday, I had my prescription for WellbutrinXR refilled, along with the vicodin that was prescribed when I went to the ER the Sunday before. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping, so I thought that might help. I rested Thursday and Friday as well.
Saturday (6-12-09), I slept late and then went to my parents house for a big family affair. That evening, in my mom;s bathroom, I passed what I am fairly sure is the placenta and sac. I know I said that before, but this is different - that was more clotty - this was more meaty. It was about the size of my palm, but it was curled around the sac. The sac was about the size of a walnut and clear - but what was inside was a red/pink-ish fluid. I wrapped it up and went home, cleaned up better and then inspected. I got scissors and cut open the sac, but there was nothing inside but fluid. I put it in a container and in the fridge to bring to the midwife or OB. I never did see anything that resembled a baby. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.
Now, I am planning on calling a local OB to have an ultrasound soon to make sure that everything is gone. I've read here about some moms thinking it was over and then hemorraging. That thought is keeping me home and taking it easy this week - at least until I get the all-clear from someone more qualified than I to say its done.

UPDATED TO ADD:
Today is 2 weeks after my m/c started (Thursday, 6-18-09). The bleeding stopped yesterday and I'm not cramping much anymore. I had an ultrasound yesterday and there is a piece still in my uterus. My mw recommended cytotec to help cause contractions to get it out. I'll start that tomorrow, probably. I want to avoid a d&c if possible.
Feelings change from day to day... I thought today would be bad, but it's been fine so far.

I know this is LONG - if you made it through, then thanks for reading. This was therapy of sorts for me, to write it all out.


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## ashevillehope

like so many other women, i've found this thread to be very therapeutic to read. thank you to each of you who has posted her story here.

i hope my addition will be helpful.......i'm just going through it now, so this board has been especially important.

after charting using fertility awareness method since january, my husband and i thought we'd try to conceive in may. if i hadn't been paying such close attention to my cycle and temp, i may have missed this pregnancy altogether. i worry that maybe i have missed others, and that i'm a "repeat" miscarriager or something, just what i'm dealing w/ now.

i knew i was pregnant though - had many of the early signs beginning 7-8 days after ovulation, and knew the pms ones were too early to be pms! i took an HPT on last tuesday morning and we were so amazed! because the pink line was kind of light, we thought it would be cool to have another, darker line the next day. since i was doing the test before my expected period onset, i knew hcg levels would be very low. so, wedesday morning i did another test. the line was actually more faint, but i didn't worry. at that point i thought, a line is a line. also, i was continuing to take my temp and was still in the high range (not normal for me post-ovulatory, and another sign of early preg). anyway, now i think hcg level was already dropping









we spent wednesday and thursday talking about how great it was that after all these years, we aren't infertile, celebrating, looking at week by week growth charts, and discussing things like the likelihood of miscarriage in the first trimester, and how long would we wait to tell family. this was a biggy, especially since we're in our mid 30s. we'd assumed we'd wait til the end of the first trimester, but all the sudden that seemed like a looooooong time to wait!

thursday night i had cramping as we were reading in bed, and i told my husband it was probably the blastocyst burrowing deeper..... i hadn't had any spotting and still had all the early symptoms. i was planning to take another test friday morning, because we had family coming and going in and out of town, and were considering breaking the news early.

when i woke up early friday, i felt funny - my breasts seemed deflated, and my temp was back below 98 degrees. i went to the bathroom to do the 3rd HPT and saw blood on my thighs. the test came out negative









all friday i spotted. on saturday, beginning in the afternoon and continuing til late that night, i had severe cramping and heavy bleeding. the only thing that seemed more severe than a really heavy, painful period (which i have every 3 months or so) was that the cramping came in waves. like contractions? i've never been pregnant before that i know, so this was a new experience. i actually used some of the things i've read already about deep breathing for labor to help myself through the pain. i decided i didn't want to use any pain meds because i was feeling like i wanted to work through it, especially if it might be like what i will experience in labor someday.

now 3 days later, i'm back to spotting, which seems like a normal period length to me. i'm going to start recording my temp again tomorrow, and if i ovulate this month, i can't think of why i should wait to try again..... seems like it was just so early that my body isn't depleted or anything.

i was very sad for a few days, and my husband was too. we decided we aren't sad about losing a baby, because it didn't even seem like one yet, but more we are now worried about next time. we'll never have a first positive pregnancy test again, and in the future i anticipate more worry and possibly stress over miscarriage for us.

if you aren't read out yet, you can read my list of thoughts we made together:

- we now know we can get pregnant! no implantation/fertility issues on that part
- our hunch to wait and take spreading the word was confirmed as a good decision, so we could grieve privately
- we feel close to each other through this experience
- very early miscarriage is probably a blessing, since most are b/c of genetic mutations or "blighted ovum"
- a little more time to plan for the future doesn't hurt
- concern that me being older will mean more miscarriages in the future
- feeling unsettled at going through the experience again, later in a pregnancy especially
- concerned when i get pregnant again we won't be able to balance fear and stress with hope and joy

thanks for reading


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## sew_crafty_girl

I experienced my 4th miscarriage this past March.

There were lots of 1st trimester bleeding (red and heavy) scares and I was diagnosed with a SCH. But baby kept thriving and growing though it all, measuring 4 days ahead even. We thought we have a strong fighter.

I had some red bleeding at 15, almost 16 wks long after my SCH bleeding had stopped. I thought I had better go see my MW "just in case" for a doppler check to put my mind at east. We had heard baby's HB on the doppler at 11 wks and the last u/s had been at 10wks.

The midwives couldn't find the HB. A sinking feeling. This felt like my 3rd m/c. They sent me over to the hospital. My midwife did a scan and couldn't find baby. Sent me downstairs for a STAT u/s "with someone more experienced". The step-kids waited in the waiting room and I heard those horrible words again "I'm sorry". Baby measured 13 wks and was curled up.

I wanted to avoid a 4th D&C so I met with the on-call OB as mine was out of town. He inserted the cytotec and sent me home with 'take some tylenol 3 for the cramps and insert more pills in 12 hours if nothing happens" as instructions.

Around 6 hours later things started happening. The pain was very mild, like menstral cramps and but I eventually took a T3 to dull it. Laying on the couch, I felt a "Pop" and went to the toilet but nothing came out. Another trip to the toilet a few minutes later produced the water that had broken. It was brown and dirty looking. Shortly after the baby slipped out. My husband came and gently tugged, but it wouldn't give, so he pinched off the tiny cord with his fingers and released our baby. I think it was a boy. He was the size of my outstreached hand. Perfectly formed and clean. His hands had been covering his face. Translucent skin and fused eyelids. I was afraid to touch him much and gently stroked him in the container DH put him in. I wish I had held him and taken the pics we were afraid to take.

Blood and large clots started pouring into the toilet and wouldn't stop after 2 hours of sitting there so we went to the ER. It was a long process of in and out of the hospital after this that ended up in a D&C and blood transfusion.

I'm glad I gave birth at home and said goodbye, but I wish the docs would've been more forthcoming about what to expect with Cytotec and more diligent about my care afterwards.


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## starshine1001

My miscarriage was complete this morning. It was my first, after two normal, healthy children/pregnancies, so I'm assuming it was from some chromosomal abnormality or the like. I was 7.5 weeks when I miscarried. I started spotting brown a week ago, and didn't think too much of it since I had also lightly spotted brown with my boys. But it didn't stop but gradually turned to pink, then to red, then to heavy spotting, then to bleeding over the course of the week. I went to the ER 4 days into the spotting, and they confirmed the baby was still here, measuring smaller than my dates and my beta was low for my dates, but the baby still had a heartbeat. I was put on bedrest. I knew what was coming, and had a couple of days to process it before it actually happened. Last night the bleeding turned to gushing, and I just waited for the end. At about 3 am this morning, I began to cramp terribly, worse than menstrual cramps, more like early labor pains but without a break in between. I got up since I couldn't sleep through the pain, and took a long, hot shower. Then I climbed into the recliner with a hot pack to my belly and tried to rest. I fell asleep around 7:30 am, then my kids woke me up at around 8 am. I realized that I had stopped cramping. I got up and went to the bathroom. When I did, I had diarrhea...this happened with both of my labors as well, so I figured the baby was soon to come. I flushed so that I'd be able to retrieve the contents of my womb, then waited. I felt a tiny urge to push, then PLOP, out it came. I dipped it out of the toilet and into the sink and checked it out. It looked like a placenta, although I know it was just my thick endometrial lining. There was a spot on it about the size of a large marble, which I knew was the sac. I punctured it, and out came little Tadpole. It was good for me to see our little critter. Its length was about the width of my thumbnail, and it was white and clear with little eyes and a little cord. It was an amazing thought that the tiny, undeveloped being in front of my eyes had actually had a beating heart a couple of days ago! We buried Tadpole in the sunniest spot in the garden. I actually feel really good right now, physically and emotionally. I have a flow equal to a standard period, and slight cramping the same as menstrual cramps. Since I had been anticipating that moment for a few days, I was emotionally prepared for it. I'm amazed at our bodies...how they are wise enough to recognize when our babies will not survive and end the pregnancy. I'm grateful to my body for taking care of Tadpole for as long as it did, but also mercifully letting it go as early as it did. I'm glad that I got to have the little one at home and without surgery. And that is my story.


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## Anais2009

I haven't read this whole thread but wanted to post my experience. I am new to this forum, but it helped me a great deal when I was waiting to miscarry last week. I had started spotting when 5 1/2 weeks, and they put me on progesteron. However, I spotted again at 8 weeks, and my midwife sent me to an u/s. They told me the embryo had not developped past 5 1/2 weeks (which is when I first spotted, so my body was trying to get rid of it). The doctor ad the u/s also gave me cytotec and vicodin for the pain. I went home that day and was devastated. After a lot of crying and online research I felt better, mostly since I realized it was a good thing that my body was miscarrying instead of carrying an unhealthy pregnancy. I also did research and decided not to take cytotec (I never take any medicine and barely any supplements, so I figured my body couldn't handle it). I did get very nervous, when the bleeding hadn't started after some days. I had stopped the progesteron they day of the u/s, and finally, on day 4 after u/s light bleeding/spotting and cramping started. That same day I got an accupuncture and the next day I was heavily bleeding and had some big cramping. It was not too heavy to deal with it, by my miscarriage was early. I took Ibuprofen but that didn't do a lot, so I just tried to distract myself by moving around a lot and watching a movie later that day. The second day, I had bad cramping and more heavy bleeding, but still managable. On day 3, there was only spotting and mild cramping. During that whole miscarriage, I never really soaked any pads but always knew when something was passing and had time to run to the bathroom.

Anyways, the miscarriage was not hard and not too painful. On day 3, I had an u/s (already scheduled from the week before to confirm viability). Since I had miscarried, I figured I could go and make sure everything had passed. So I went and everything looked good. While performing the transvaginal u/s they couldn't find my left ovary, and the lady started moving the ultrasound device inside my abdomen, while putting a lot of pressure on my abdomen. It was very uncomfortable.

The night of the ultrasound, I started having bad cramps in my lower abdomen (which had stopped already) but blamed the miscarriage and did not pay too much attention to it. However, on Tuesday morning, I had sharp pain in my uterus area, and later that day, I started getting very bloated and feeling gassy, to a very uncomfortable level. I blamed the pain medication I had been taking over the weekend, and maybe some digestive issues. I later realized that could not be the reason since I was having normal bowel movements, although they were very painful when I tried to pass them. On Wednesday morning (two days after the ultrasound), the bloating and pain were unbearable. That morning, I had an appointment with my chiropractor, so I went to see him but, of course, he could not help me with the pain and bloated feeling in my abdomen. Later that day, I decided to go the ER, since I was getting very concerned. On my way to the ER, I was able to reach my midwife and she had me come into her office. She and the other midwife palpated my abdomen and found out that my uterus was twisted and my left ovary moved. That must have happened at the u/s, and when my body started cramping because of the twist, it was pulling on my rectum. All this had caused a bad inflammation, and made bowel movements very painful. The midwife was able to release the tension, by applying her hands on my lower abdomen, and to move my organs back to their place. The bloating was gone the next day, and the inflammation is much better now - four days later!

I had the need to let you ladies know all this. My midwife told me there was actually no need for an u/s since they are now monitoring my HCG levels. If it goes down, everything has passed and there is nothing to worry about.

So, I know that u/s is the most amazing invention in times when you need it. But if there is no need, please avoid it as it is way too intrusive, and you never know what happens (I'm usually really afraid of doctors, and this one time I trusted them!)

Good luck to everybody. My midwife told me we can go and try as soon as we are ready, which we will do!


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## rumi79

I don't know why I decided to write here, may be just to have some closure.
It started this Monday with light spotting, I was just entering 11 weeks. Next day I couldn't hold it anymore and went to the ER for an ultrasound. After 6 long hours waitning I was told that the baby is dead and has stopped to develop in 8 weeks. I went next day to my OB just for a talk, we decided to wait for my body to do the work. I got home and it started. I think the placenta came out first, a lot of bleeding and after that the clots started. Very big and painful, with a lot of blood, it was dripping out of me like I was peeing. I became lightheaded and scared that i'll have to go to the hospital. I called my MW and she calmed me down that it's OK and normal and everything will finish soon. I took some Tylenol and slept. More bleeding on the toilet and strated to breathe very hard. Took Ibuprofen 3 hours later and fell asleep again and slept through the night. The next day I spent in bed with trips to the bathroom to change the pads. It was heavy bleeding again but with thick dark blood which was a good sign that there is no more fresh blood coming out of me. I was watching my vitals and temperature for infection. Today is my third day and I woke up in good condition with menstrual like bleeding, so it is decreasing. I have a follow up within 10 days. I am still emotional here and there but I think I let him go. I light a candle yesterday for him and said a prayer. I hope God holds him in his hands and cuddles him the way I would 've done that. To all of you that have gone through this, I send my heart and prayers.


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## PhotoJournMama

I also want to begin by thanking everyone for their input on this thread. It was immensely helpful to me over the past few days.

Me and DP had wanted to get pregnant again, but my cycles had been really odd for a few months - I would get my period, then nothing for two months, etc. but never tested positive. This last time I decided to take a second pregnancy test 3 weeks after a negative and 1 month 3 weeks after my last period, and it was a faint positive! I went to the doctor to confirm with a blood test which looked good and he suggested doing an u/s for dating.

The first u/s just showed that there was a gestational sac measuring 2.5 - 5 weeks, and the tech requested a follow up in another 2 weeks to get a specific date. I waited 18 days, hoping that I wouldn't have to go through the same thing. At this second u/s, they found a gestational sac measuring 5w4d, but no yolk sac. When I went to talk to the doctor, I got a copy of the fax with the info and it said that they were not convinced it was a viable pregnancy and to come for a follow up two weeks later. I was completely in denial - I thought that the tech was just not thorough enough, or that something was missed, I don't know. I had so many symptoms, and took a pregnancy test that was so much darker than the one I took previously. I didn't know anything about miscarriage at the time.

Two weeks later I went back and the tech seemed to be taking more pictures on the outside. She said no, that she would have to do another transvaginal. We had built up a bit of an acquaintance because she had a son the same age as my DS so we were talking about our weekends. She never mentioned anything about what she saw, and I never asked because I knew if there was a baby or a heartbeat she would have shown me. (It is against their policy to give any informal results to patients - all the results go to the drs office so I have to wait 3 days to know anything). When I was leaving, I got a glance of the screen and saw a black circle with nothing inside - a blighted ovum. I didn't say anything, I just left.

The day after the u/s, I woke up at 6am to go to the bathroom. There was blood on the toilet paper. I came back to bed, DP was up and about to start getting ready for work. I told him that it had started, that I was bleeding and would have a miscarriage. He said he would stay home from work to look after our 16 month old son. We cuddled in bed until DS woke up.

The first day, Tuesday, was the worst day for cramps and for bleeding. It started light but by afternoon I felt like I was peeing blood. I tried to spend as much time as I could with DS and DP and breastfed DS at all his regular times. At 4pm I stood up and blood started gushing out of me, down my legs, and all over the floor. I passed several large clots, which I thought at the time were the baby, sac and placenta. It was all over the toilet and I went into the bathtub to wash off. I felt like I was about to faint and lost my vision, felt very dizzy, so I sat down and asked DP to get me some water. I must have flushed the toilet, but I don't remember doing this. Once I was feeling better and cleaned up, I put on a pad but it was overfilling in about 20 minutes. I told DP we better go to the hospital.

We got to the hospital, and got signed in, the nurses were sympathetic but didn't seem worried in the slightest. It was about 5pm when we got there and by 8:30pm I had sent DP and DS home so that DS could get some sleep (he was being amazingly well behaved, as always). I waited until 10:30pm and broke down crying and told the triage nurse I just wanted to leave, that it wasn't worth staying and I had planned to do this all at home but was worried about the bleeding, which had slowed down considerably. By the time I was done I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even tell her my name. She read it off my hospital bracelet and went to check where I was in line, and told me there was only one person in front of me. I decided to wait.

It was 11:30pm before I got a room, and about 5 more people had gone in before me. I have never felt more stupid or unimportant in all my life. I couldn't stop crying.

At 12am a nurse came in and asked if I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I had her repeat the question, because I honestly thought maybe I hadn't heard her right ... I told her I was miscarrying. She asked how I knew, and I told her. She took my vitals and went to get me a blanket because I was shivering (the rooms were freezing).

The doctor came in at 1am, and was very kind. She asked a few questions, and then did an internal and swept away some blood clots that were stuck. She said that would probably help me and that the worst was probably over. I thought that I had already passed the baby so I thought that would be the case. She never mentioned the blood work I had done, and I was too out of it to ask. No u/s, no mention of d&c, nothing. A complete waste of time.

I finally got home at 1:30am after 8 1/2 hours of hell. Me and DH held each other and fell asleep. He stayed home the next day to help out. I was having a lot of cramps still and taking lots of tylenol for it. The bleeding was still heavy enough to fill a pad every hour or two, but that was nothing compared to the day before. I stayed in bed or on the couch, nursed my son and read him books. I can't imagine what it would have been like without him - he was the only reason I could smile, and he could even make me laugh. It was also reassuring to see how perfect, beautiful and healthy a child of mine could be. Of course, that only lessens a fraction of the pain I was feeling.

DP had to go back to work the next two days, and somehow I managed with DS at home by myself. I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant so I was feeling very down and alone, but trying to put on a happy face for DS through the cramps, pain and sorrow.

On Saturday there was a huge storm but DP decided to at least take DS to the mall so he could walk around and I could have some time to relax by myself. I had told the drs office that I would come in sometime that day, so when the rain stopped I took a shower and walked over - its only about a block door to door. He gave me a requisition for an u/s in case the bleeding didn't stop, and I did a test for a uti which was positive, but mild. I decided I would try to flush it without antibiotics (which worked, it was only a bit of burning - not as painful as some).

I walked back home and just laid down on the couch to relax. DP and DS came home for lunch, and DS had taken a nap in the car so was still up during his usual naptime.

Around 1:10pm I went to the washroom, and without warning pushed out the gestational sac. I just remember saying "oh god, oh god" and DP running to see what had gone on. I told him and he got something to take it out of the toilet with and put it into. He didn't want to look at it which I understand. I put it in a plastic bag and holding went to give DP a hug, then laid down on the couch and held it next to my heart and cried. We talked about what we wanted to do with it, and decided that we should bury it at my parents house with a weeping willow on top. We live in a 14th floor condo, and I wish we had our own backyard to keep it close. I wrapped it tightly in several bags and put it in the freezer.

For a short time after, I felt like having it come out was closure and brought peace, but the next day I ended up in bed the entire day completely ruined emotionally. The physical pain completely disappeared after the sac came out, but I am so drained.

This baby's due date is the day before my son's second birthday. We were so excited and thought it was hilarious because we told a lot of people we wanted kids two years apart - though we didn't mean it quite so literally. It is like everything before this was light and clear and beautiful, and now everything is marred by this tragedy. I just want to be able to live my life and enjoy it without this constantly keeping a rein on my happiness. I know I will never know contentment and joy the way I did before this. I just want my baby.


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## praying4baby!

Hey girls, first of all i want to say how truly sorry i am to hear about all of us who have gone through the loss of a child.







s: to everyone. Now on to my story. My husband and i had been trying for 6 months before this

May 12 2009, 11:15 pm. Charleston SC
My husband and i are on our way home from an amazing vacation in Disney World (we are so kids) We stopped and had dinner at Olive Garden in Georgia and stopped for a gas and bathroom break in SC. Well we passed a 24 hour grocery store and i suddenly realized that i was due for AF. I was actually a day or so late, so asked Steven to go in a get me a $1 prego test. Went to the gas station and took it. At first it said negative so i threw it in my purse and went back to the car. Steven asked me what it said and i said negative but i pulled it out and looked again and sure enough there were 2 pink lines staring back at me. I literally caught my breath. I showed steven and we were happy but we decided we would take another test when we got home.

May 13 2009 7:43 am New Bern NC (back home)
After sleeping the entire way home and that night, i took my second test and BFP







i was soo happy! 3 more tests and 1 digital test later i decided to go to the doctor.

May 13 2009 12:25pm New Bern NC (doctors office)
Nurse says BFP and according to my last AF i am 5 weeks pregnant









(week goes by of calling, crying and being happy)

May 25 2009 7:00pm New Bern NC (home)
I go to the bathroom and notice a little bit of a brown spot in my undies. I totally freak out and ask steven to come here and look to make sure i wasnt going crazy. Well he said it was just a little bit so i put on another protective layer and tried to relax. A few hours later i went back to the bathroom and it wasnt any heavier so i was relieved.

May 26 2009 10:00 am (on the way to mothers house)
I feel weird, like a period weird. So i pull in at mothers and i need to change ASAP. i am a bloody mess. It was just gushing blood. So i tell mother to carry me to the ER. Doctors did all sorts of probing tests and ultrasounds and confirmed that i was having a m/c. It was disgusting. There were chunks and blood that was really heavy. The chunks was what got me. It was so heartbreaking to know that somewhere in all that mess my baby had gone to be with God.

I call my husband and we go home devastated. I spent the next three days in a vicodin induced sleep. I didnt want to talk to anybody i just wanted my husband.

Now it is July 20 and im hoping that soon we will have another miracle. I dont think i could bear to lose another child. This has been really hard for us. Everytime i get AF now i get so upset and so angry. I friend of mine was a month ahead of me in her pregnancy and now she is getting ready to find out what the baby is. I feel bad cause i am a bit bitter towards her and i know she cant help it but i just wish that i could know why i lost my child.

All my love and prayers, Courtney


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## writteninkursive

I was 21, and it was my first pregnancy. We had decided on a whim, just two months after our spontaneous wedding, to move 700 miles away from home. We packed what we could fit into the car and left with nothing but plans for him to start a new job at the same company he was already with.
I took a pregnancy test the morning we moved, just to make sure I wasn't pregnant since we did not use any sort of preventative measures. The test was negative.
About three weeks later, living out of our car in a coastal city far away from home, I realized that I still hadn't had a period. Despite that my periods were really irregular, I had a feeling about it. We got a pregnancy test, and I took it at my husband's workplace late at night on New Year's Eve, while fireworks exploded in the distance. It was a surreal night. The test was immediately positive. We were so nervous, excited, everything....
The next day, we got prenatal vitamins and started finding out about how to apply for Medicaid. We didn't even have a home, much less insurance! We were _not_ prepared for this! I scheduled a doctor's appointment, but they didn't want to see me until I was about 8 weeks, and I didn't know when that would be.
That night, I started having light pink spotting when I wiped. *I panicked.* Flat-out panic. I didn't know hardly anything about pregnancy, but I knew you weren't supposed to bleed while you were pregnant! I woke my husband and told him. He tried to calm me down and when I was still spotting the next time I peed, we hurried to the hospital. I was freaking out, and probably made the situation so much worse.
At the hospital, they sent me to Labor & Delivery and did an ultrasound. I was about 7 weeks along, they estimated. The baby was still alive, had a heartbeat, and the sac was intact. They could do nothing, but sent me on my way and told me that if the bleeding got worse, to come back and get checked.
The next day, the bleeding was worse. We went back to the hospital. Another ultrasound. The baby was still alive, but they kind of shrugged and said they couldn't say either way how it was going to turn out. The doctor looked at me and asked "Did you guys want this baby?" We adamantly said we did. He said, "Okay, because if you didn't, we could consider an abortion." We were floored and appalled.
For the next six days, I have bleeding - some lighter, some heavier and clotty. On the final day at the hospital, they could no longer find a heartbeat. They asked if I wanted to see the tissue they considered to be the baby. I said yes, my husband said no. I looked and it was just this little clearish blob. But it was our baby. They told me they would like to do a D&C and clean out the area. I refused, feeling that nature would take care of that since miscarriage is a natural process.
I was trying so hard not to cry, and the doctor looked at me and said, kind of dumbfounded, "Are you alright?" I just said yes.
I bled for 6 weeks, and swore I would never have sex again. Now, three live, healthy children later, I think to myself that if it hadn't been my _first,_ it would have been easier. But I don't know that it would have.


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## Mama2ABCD

july 29, i was 27 weeks when it was confirmed my baby had died two weeks prior. u/s showed the baby was the size of 15 week old. perfectly formed.
i went home and waited another 5 weeks and 2 days before cramping and bleeding started.
sac came out between my legs, but the cervix was dialated to only one. placenta on other side firmly attaced. when the bleeding was too much, i went to the hospital. the ob slit the sac to free the baby from my body and clamp the cord at my end. nearly 24 hours of cytotec didn't budge anything so placenta was removed by d&c
when the baby was freed it's skin was a brown mustard color. it weighed 1.4 oz and was 5 1/2 inches long. we could see his tiny penis so we knew it was Everett. he had a sweet face that looked like he was sleeping peacefully(mouth slightly open). mw took pictures and i'm glad she did because the baby's features slowly melted away throughout the day as i held him. i touched, examined, and held him before the nurse did stats on him, she placed him in a newborn hat like a blanket.
his toes and fingers had buds on them. his head was flattened ( i guess no amniotic fluid left in sac to buffer him). he looked like an alien....like the alien on the tv show american dad. same color too.
unfortunately throughout the day he dried out. i could see the plates in his skull. the umbilical cord was small like yarn. the eyelids which should have been fused shut were already demised. he had been dead for 7 weeks. the eyes just looked cloudy. the skin got darker like the color of dried blood.
his tiny delicate nose disappeared during day leaving two dots for the nostrils. i could even his ear for a little while.
we didn't get him into the freezer until i got home. when the kids finally saw their baby brother it was hard to distinguish his features (so glad for photo's). my dd said he looked like "poop" and the boys wanted to bring him to show and tell.
i said no.
when we get time and the weather is nice we have a spot for him in our yard close to our front deck. when we get our living christmas tree this november (white pine), we'll plant it overhim.

Everett is my child that only knew love. My mother had died when i was 14, so i take comfort knowing she is finally getting to hold one of her grandchildren.


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## Mama2ABCD

6 days afer the d&c to remove the placenta....more placenta came out on it's own. was not expecting that. It was about 3 inches long, 1 inch wide and i inch deep. Looked like some placenta, then some grissly parts, and tissue. I had bleed all week and had some cramping (figured that was supposed to happen) then yesterday the bleeding picked up alittle and I had more noticeable cramping. then when i bent over to run a bath for the kids, pop and felt it come through.
The bleeding has slowed to a slight trickle since then, and cramping has stopped.
No fevers, aches, foul smell.
I think when i get the medical bill, i'll mail the chunk of placenta they've missed.


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## MomNtheRes

I'm miscarrying now as well. I has some pinkish discharge a couple of days ago, and didn't think much of it, everyone says spotting during pregnancy is normal, especially around 7 wks. I woke this morning to a red streak on the tp when I wiped, and immediately knew something was wrong. I never had any spotting or issues with dd, and I just know, kind of like I just Knew I was pregnant. I was fit in at my Dr's office, and the ultrasound only registered 5 weeks. They told me there is a good chance that I ovulated later than I thought, but I think it is very unlikely. I have had minor cramping throughout the day, and strangely dizzy at random points. I've also had a headache off and on, I think that may be due to fluctuating hormones. The spotting has continued and is gradually getting heavier, with very small particles starting to appear.
I feel awful because my husband was so hoping that the Dr's were right and I was only five weeks, this is his first child and he deploys in November, which gives us a very small window to try again. I really want him to be able to come home to a new bundle of joy when he gets back, and he was so looking forward to it. So was my 4 year old, all she talks about is the baby. I told her today that the baby might be sick, thats why I had to go to the dr, that its not growing right. She gave me a big hug and said she didn't want anything to happen to her baby brother or sister.
I'm so relieved to find this sight. Its really helped me know what to expect over the next few days, or weeks even. And just sharing and knowing other people have gone through it...it just helps.
I'm feeling terribly guilty as well because I had an abortion almost 3 years ago, and I feel like I'm having to pay penance with this baby's life. At least this time I didn't have a choice, its not something I have to force myself through, my body has done it for a reason. And maybe it will turn out better- hopefully I will conceive in November right before he leaves and the baby will only be a couple months old when he gets home.
My heart goes out to everyone. Thank you for sharing your stories.


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## itsajenism

My miscarriage happened sometime between week 7 and 8.

Prior to any physical signs of miscarriage, I had several dreams about bleeding and miscarriage. I passed it off as nerves due to wanting/planning this pregnancy, unlike my pregnancy with my first which was a surprise.
I assumed I was just a little more anxious because everything was planned and I wasn't nearly as naive anymore like I was in the beginning of that pregnancy.

I also had a few days of cramping throughout my back which happened mostly at night. Even though I found myself looking up miscarriage symptoms online, I tried my best to believe it was "normal" pregnancy symptoms.

Friday, Dec. 5 - I started spotting brown off and on throughout the day. Mostly when I used the restroom and wiped. I kept it a secret from everyone because it wasn't red. "It's old blood. It's normal for some people to spot in early pregnancy" I told myself. But I was silently freaking out inside, and I couldn't shake the dreams I kept having.

Saturday & Sunday, Dec. 6-7 - I put myself on bed rest using the excuse that I was just really tired and nauseous. I wasn't, but I also wasn't ready to admit that something might be wrong. Instead I told myself that I had been over doing it. Laying around seemed to slow the spotting down on Saturday and I started allowing myself to feel some relief that everything might be ok. However, Sunday it picked back up to the point that I was wearing a panty liner. It was still brown but I started noticing tiny little "chunks".

Monday morning, Dec. 8 - I woke up and used the restroom. Red blood. It wasn't heavy like a period at that point, but a little heavier than spotting. DH happened to be passing the bathroom as I was staring at the toilet paper. He stopped to tell me something but I didn't hear him. I looked up, tears in my eyes, and held the toilet paper out for him to see.
"I don't know what to do" I said.
He called the midwife as I continued to sit on the toilet in shock.
A few minutes later he came back to tell me the midwife wanted to talk to me so I threw on a panty liner and came out of the bathroom.

At first she thought it might be "normal" spotting, but as she continued asking questions and I became more upset, she ordered an ultrasound.

I tried to work (I was a WAHM at the time) but couldn't concentrate. I had FIVE hours to sit around and wait for the ultrasound. I panicked and cried off and on throughout that five hours.

During the ultrasound, I noticed the tech was paying much more attention to my ovaries rather than my uterus. She was silent the entire time and then quickly ushered me out to the waiting room and told me she had to consult someone else about the results.
An hour later, an older woman came to talk to me. She said, "We believe you have an ectopic pregnancy. We couldn't see anything in your uterus except a large amount of blood/clots. Your midwife will contact you shortly with what steps to take. You can go home now."

Shortly after arriving home my midwife called. She, too, was under the impression that I had an ectopic pregnancy and advised me that I will need to go to the ER within the next day or two.
I chose to go that evening with DH and my younger sister in tow. There was no sense, in my mind, to prolong the inevitable.

During all of this, the cramping became worse and the bleeding increased.
I sat in the ER waiting room for 2 hours and frequently got up to use the restroom. The pain was becoming unbearable; I was hot, sweaty, and dizzy, my pulse was racing, but no one would give me any pain medication or move any quicker in getting me into a room despite all of this.

Shortly before I was admitted, I ran to the bathroom in fear that I was going to vomit all over the floor in the waiting room. Once in the bathroom, I sat down on the toilet to try to work past the dizziness, and had to work hard to breathe through the pain, when I passed an extremely large clot. I nearly reached into the toilet to grab it out and inspect it but I didn't. I was more consumed with getting back out into the waiting room so I didn't miss my chance to be called in. Part of me regrets not checking.

[At the time I wasn't sure what was going on, but now that I've learned more, I believe the large clot I passed was the baby (etc) and the urge to vomit was probably similar to transition for me (I vomited as I hit transition with my first).]

I was finally called back into a room, had more ultrasounds, only to be told that I had a "normal" miscarriage, and some sort of large mass in my fallopian tube. I couldn't get any answers and was told I would have to follow up with a specialist in a couple of days.

That was the hardest 3-4 days I've ever had.
I had lost the baby we had planned despite being far healthier now than I was when I got pregnant with my first, I had no idea what this mysterious mass was, I was bleeding and in pain... and the morning after I returned home from the ER my younger sister (the one who went to the ER with me) tells me she's pregnant but going to abort.









The appointment with specialist revealed that the mass was actually a dermoid cyst on my ovary. I was relieved to finally have an answer and was told that I would have to have it removed prior to any future pregnancies because of the size/position of it.

I continued to have quite a bit of pain off and on for 5 days after the red blood started.
The bleeding took about a week and a half to stop completely.

I still find myself thinking back on that two weeks.
Part of me doesn't understand how this could have happened despite how much healthier I am now.
The other part of me is relieved that it wasn't as serious as it started out to be, and that my body handled a miscarriage in the way that it should... but that also feels so wrong to say sometimes.

It's hard not having a definite answer as to what happened or why... and it's been even harder trying to come to terms with not ever having an answer.


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## CherryBomb

This is what I wrote a couple days after my miscarriage.

Monday morning I went to the OB at 9am for my appointment and told them about the bleeding and cramping. Dr. S tried to find the baby's heartbeat on the doppler but couldn't. The static-y silence was awful. She sent me down to the ultra-sound right away. You know it's not good when the tech is quiet. We could see the little baby curled up on the screen, no movement. Little chest was completely still where you should be seeing fluttering. She couldn't get anything on that audio, either. She even tried gently shaking my uterus but no reaction. I should have been 16 weeks and 3 days but baby was only measuring 13 weeks and 5 days. The cramping and spotting were still pretty mild at this point. She told me my options about d&c vs natural miscarriage. She told me to call for pain medication if the pain started getting worse. Tyson and I talked and decided to schedule a d&c for Wednesday morning. By evening the cramping was getting pretty intense. I had called the on call doctor's nurse and they were supposed to fax a script for pain meds to Monticello, I don't know what happened but they never got it. I decided to just wait till morning when the OB's office was open so it would be easier to deal with getting medications. We got the girls in bed and I went to lay down and the pain was getting really hard to deal with. Around 9pm I knew there was no way I could sleep through the pain so I decided I was going to go to the ER and see about getting pain meds. This is where it starts to get graphic, if you want to stop reading.

I went to go use the bathroom before I left and after sitting for a second I suddenly felt a pop and a huge gush. I looked down and the toilet bowl was full of blood and so I couldn't really see the baby but I could see enough to understand the baby had passed and the umbilical cord was still attached to me. I'm not sure how I managed to not freak out, but I called Tyson in and told him what was happening and had him bring me the phone so I could call the on call doctor. I also had him bring me a sieve and plastic sandwich bags because I knew we were going to need to get the baby and as much of the placenta out as we could. Tyson called my friend Elizabeth over after he realized what was happening. Dr. S had told me earlier that if I miscarried at home, the placenta and everything should follow the baby pretty quickly. But nothing was happening so I was concerned. The on call doctor, Dr. G, was very nice and told me to wait about 5 minutes and let gravity work and see if the placenta came. It was probably more like 10 minutes, but I could see some placenta and initially thought it was all out, but then I realized the cord was still attached to me. So, I had to cut the cord. Tyson had to get the baby out of the toilet. Elizabeth, bless her heart, offered to do it so he wouldn't have to, but he felt like he should (or needed) to do it. I caught a glimpse of the baby and started crying (I had been in survival mode up to that point I think, I hadn't cried or reacted emotionally at all). We decided it would be best for Tyson to stay at home in case the little girls woke up, and Elizabeth took me to the ER. I was bleeding very heavy and afraid to walk so she went in to get my a wheelchair.

While she was in I took baby out, I felt like I wanted to be alone to see him (the doctor who looked at the baby was pretty sure it was a boy). I was surprised at how big he was, he could fit in my hand. He was probably 2-4 inches long and looked like a tiny baby. His little body was curled up, I mostly just looked at his face. He had a flat little nose and a tiny little mouth. His eyes were closed and he didn't look dead, just quiet and peaceful. I am glad I got to see him, I don't regret it. It's helpful to have a face to put to the memory of him and it made it feel more real.

The rest is kind of a morphine induced haze. Lots and lots of blood and pain. My veins are hard to get into so I was stabbed all over the place and finally told them to just IV my hand because it's the easiest on me. She tried getting fluids into my arm and it slipped so my arm started swelling up. They transferred me Lafayette because the ER doctor had tried to manually remove the placenta pieces but he could see there was still more in the opening and didn't feel confident in his ability to get it all out safely. Elizabeth stayed with me until the ambulance was on its way to transfer me. I'm glad I got transferred anyway, because getting my baby back from them would have been an issue (I would have had to try to find a funeral home to have the baby released to), this way they sent everything with me and Home Hospital is Catholic ran so . So Dr. G met me there and thankfully was able to remove everything without needing a d and c, but it was still extremely painful, even with all the morphine. But once the big piece came out it was pretty much instant relief. I kept saying "I can't believe how much better I feel!" I felt similar to how I did after Rory was born, I think I was far enough along that the removal of the placenta gave me a hormone rush like after birth. Dr. G was a really sweet lady and said all the right things. The ER nurse was nice but I could tell she was an ER nurse and not use to dealing with 2nd trimester miscarriages, because she kept saying all the things you're not supposed to say to ladies who lose babies. But I just let it slide because I knew she was just nervous and trying to make me feel better.

I could have gone home around 5am but it would have been a pain because of the kids, so they said I could just stay and sleep and Elizabeth watched the girls in the morning so Tyson could come get me. I asked the hospital to send the baby to pathology before burial so hopefully they can find something out. They gave me oxycodone (percocet) for pain so physically I feel okay, but emotionally I feel empty and numb.


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## CherryBomb

And this is from May when I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured.

Long story short, I had laproscopic surgery early this morning (like 3am) to remove an ectopic pregnancy from my left fallopian tube (oh, and nearly a liter of blood and clots because the tube had ruptured).

Saturday or Sunday I started feeling a little crampy, but it wasn't painful, just mildly uncomfortable. Monday I started having dark brown spotting, which I was concerned about because I was mid-cycle and my period wasn't due for a couple more weeks. Pregnancy crossed my mind briefly, but I looked over my chart to make sure and there was no intercourse on fertile days (we've been pretty conservative with it to have a better chance of post-poning pregnancy). Anyway Tuesday the pain started getting worse and was all over my abdomen, and on Wednesday I called my GP and made an appointment. But by Wednesday evening it was getting severely painful and just touching my stomach was excurtiatingly painful. I stood up from the computer desk and nearly passed out from the pain and later Riley bumped into my stomach and I doubled over, sobbing in pain. So Tyson made me go to the emergency room (he drove me up and dropped me off and then went back home with the kids since it was close to bedtime and I had no idea how long I would be there).

So I got to the ER about 7:30pm and got checked in and went back, answered a million questions and all of that. Talked to the doctor who ordered blood and urine samples. Almost passed out again when they drew my blood and my blood pressure kept getting really low. Quick catheter to get the urine then they got me some morphine. Drank a bunch of barium because they initially wanted to do a CT scan (or cat scan, whatever). Then the ER doctor comes in and says "Um, your urine test came back that you're pregnant." I was shocked. Like I said, it had entered my mind, but unless I totally missed fertility signs at some point...well the doctor canceled the CT scan, of course, and called for the U/S lady. Had to wait for awhile for her to get there. Not sure what time I went in, maybe around 9:30pm? She spent a long time taking pictures, of course they can't tell you anything, but she asked me a few times "are you sure you don't feel more pain in one side than the other?"

Awhile later after the doctor had a chance to look over the u/s results he came in and told me the news (actually, the nurse told me while we were waiting, on the condition that I promise not to tell the doctor she told me). He said it looked like an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured. It's a small town that only has one OBGYN, and OF COURSE she was gone (not even in town to get a hold of) so they said they'd have to transfer me to Lafayette (bigger town about 45 minutes away).

Of course right about that time the county started going crazy, so all the ambulances were out. They wanted to airlift me but it was too foggy, so I had to just sit and wait. They were almost ready for me at one point and then they had a cardiac arrest come in that took every one they had, except for the nurse assigned to watch me like hawk in case I started hemorrhaging. Thank God for the morphine because it was like 1:30 or 2am before the ambulance was finally able to transport me. They went with lights and sirens and got me there in 24 minutes (like I said, it's normally 45 minutes!)

Got to the hospital, got checked in. My spotting was turning red by now. The OB came in to talk to me and told me that although the u/s suggested ectopic, they wouldn't know for sure unless they did surgery. Since my pain was all over she said it was also possible that the baby was implanted in the uterus but my body was trying to miscarry for whatever reason. So she told me my options where to do laproscopic surgery and see what was going on, or stay under close observation and see if I miscarried on my own. Easy decision, I knew something was very wrong. She also told me that if she did the laproscopy but couldn't find an ectopic pregnancy, I had the option of going ahead and letting her do a D and C while I was already out- basically abort the baby because her feeling was the pregnancy wasn't viable no matter where it was implanted, but I gave that one a resounding NO.

So I filled out all the paper work and got prepped and wheeled down there. By this time it was almost 3AM and I was just totally exhausted. I kept falling asleep outside the OR waiting for them to get ready. One of the last things I remember is being out there and them telling me it would be cold in the OR, then getting wheeled in and thinking "HOLY CRAP IT'S FREEZING." Next thing I knew I was in recovery and the OB was standing there waking me up.

She said when she got in there my abdomen was full of blood and clots (nearly a liter's worth). My left fallopian tube had ruptured and was still bleeding. She tried cauterizing in 5 times to preserve the fertility on that side but it just wouldn't stop bleeding, so she had to remove the part that was rupture and sew the tub shut (so I will never get pregnant from my left ovary). Got me to my room and I was finally able to get some sleep. Of course during all of this I'm calling Tyson to update him so he can update other people, and my mom of course is freaking out and terrified I'm going to die.

At any rate, I was discharged around 2pm today. Sore from the surgery but I feel 1000x better than I did with a ruptured fallopian tube and an abdomen full of blood. Crying off and on about losing the baby. In some ways it's easier because I didn't know I was pregnant beforehand and hadn't had a chance to bond or daydream or anything like that. The doctor was very sweet and affirming and told me it is a pregnancy loss and it's normal and okay to be sad and depressed. I could give a long list of reasons why we don't need to have another baby right now but I was pregnant and it was my baby and I wish things would have been different.


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## T~Kay~Higgins

Hi Ladies,

I'm sorry for the losses that you've all experienced, and wanted to send my heart and prayers out to you. I too know your pain.

I'm still relatively new to MDC, and here is how my miscarriage unfolded. I was 10w 3d when I found out.

A week ago today, while doing the groceries I felt squishy down there. I knew something was wrong. It wasn't the same feeling I had when I had a lot of discharge. I didn't want to use the Walmart washroom so I packed up my stuff in my car and stopped at the coffee shop to use their washroom. I wiped, and didn't look down for what felt like an eternity.... When I did, I saw pink & brown mucus. There was a lot of it. I sped home, dropped of the groceries, and went straight to the ER. I knew it wasn't good.

Well the ER where I live is a nightmare, but I couldn't get a hold of my family doctor. I was scheduled to finally sign the paperwork with the midwifery practice this week. So since I wasn't their patient yet, they couldn't take me in to take a look. So off to the ER I went, because I knew the walk-in clinic would send me there anyway.

The wait was dreadful. There were at the very least 150 sick people. I know this because they call you up to triage in cycles of 1-50. Everybody takes a number&#8230; I stopped counting after the third cycle. Some were puking in buckets and some were puking on the floors. I waited in another waiting section away from them all, but had to keep getting up to check with the nurses to make sure they didn't call me and I had missed it. Not like I could hear anything, so many children were bawling their eyes out from the wait.

I finally got called into the second waiting room at around 9:45pm. I had been at the hospital since 12ish. The nurse came in, took my vitals, took my betas, gave me a blanket and disappeared. I fell asleep. The doctor finally sauntered in at 1:15am. He looked at me, listened to my description of my spotting (by then I had begun cramping something fierce) and told me point blank: "I think you're having a miscarriage". I looked at him like he was a ghost. He told me my betas were in the 2000 range. I knew that was it. I was in my 10th week. There was just no way this was real. I couldn't believe it. I had most of my symptoms still. This couldn't be happening. I had been thanking God for this baby EVERY morning. I sat there numb for a long time. So long, that I don't even remember when he left the room. I do remember him booking me an ultrasound with the early pregnancy clinic in the hospital for the Friday, Oct. 30th. (This all happened on the 28th) I remember when I was leaving the ER, I broke down on my walk to the parking lot. A woman walking out with her baby asked me if I was okay, and all I could say was "no". I pitched over and nearly hit the ground while crying. She asked if I needed help and again, all I could say was, "no". I went home and told my DH. He had to stay at home with our son and foster son so he wasn't there with me through the whole waiting ordeal. He was so devastated that he didn't know what to say. He just held me while I cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up and texted an e-friend and told her what happened. She told me not to give up hope, I hadn't been told the baby had no heartbeat yet, and betas drop and come back up all the time, I had never heard of vanishing twin and hiding twin. I reasoned it out ALL DAY. I convinced myself that if I drank lots of water my betas would go back up. I was on google and read that dehydration can cause them to fall. I prayed all day, and held out hope.

Friday Oct. 30th. Went for the ultrasound, tech did her best to keep me talking about everything BUT pregnancy and the baby. I knew something was wrong. They sent me up to the early pregnancy clinic for more betas. The OBGYN on call kept getting called away for difficult deliveries and c-sections. I was mad that she didn't have any back-up that day. In between one of her calls she came to DH and I and said, "I haven't forgotten you, it's just that I'm not sure what to do, I need to consult another OBGYN on this."&#8230;. So here I was with a glimmer of hope again. "What I should do", and "I need to consult another OBGYN on this" sounded like she had options, right?

When she came back, she broke it to us. There was no heartbeat. The baby had died at 7w5d. When she was referring to "what to do" she was talking about either cytotec or d&c&#8230;.. I was too numb to be mad at her for setting me up like that. DH asked some questions, I asked some questions. She explained to me that she's had a few m/c herself and she knows there's nothing she can say to make me feel better. We all sat there in silence for some time while I took it all in. She slid some pamphlets across the table about perinatal loss, miscarriage, and grief support services. That's when I lost it. I broke down. She started crying too. The nurse started crying, and it's a wonder DH held it together. The rest of the day was a blurr. DH took me home and I went to sleep.

Monday morning, I went back to book my d&c (it was supposed to be on Tuesday) and got bumped around ultrasound and blood clinic all day. They wanted to see just how much tissue had passed over the past few days. I had no bleeding from Friday until Monday, so I thought it was a waste of time&#8230;. It turned out that I couldn't get my d&c on Tuesday after all and they booked me for Thursday, November 5th.

Well today is Wednesday and last night I started bleeding again&#8230; Light enough for a pantyliner, though.

Today, while out and about, it started. Clots: lots and lots of clots. Then: stringy tissue.

Because I was out and about and had on a pad, I didn't get to take a good look at it all. Some of it got absorbed by the pad.

I got home and the cramps got fierce. So bad I couldn't walk. I popped an oxycodone that I had left over from some dental surgery I had earlier this year. My uterus is laughing at it. My head is spinning, but the contractions/ cramps haven't budged. I called the doc and they said nix the surgery, let nature do her thing, and we'll follow up with an ultrasound next week.

So that's how my miscarriage happened. I know this was long. Thank you for taking the time to read. I know that I did feel some comfort in knowing I was not alone in how I felt. Emotionally, I can't even begin to translate how I feel. I thought I was staying grounded until today. There is some relief, because I couldn't deal with walking around with my dead baby inside of me&#8230;. But I'm not sure just how I'll be in a few days&#8230; I'll be back with a brief update when it's all done.


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## CherryBomb




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## anwanie99

So this is what happened to me:

I had been spotting off and on for 3 weeks and had been checked and everything was fine every time. We saw the baby on ultrasound at 11 weeks with a strong heartbeat and heart the baby on doppler about a week later, despite the bleeding. About 10 days after the dopper, on a Wednesday afternoon, I had a slight gush of something. I thought maybe I just had some extra bleeding and didn't think too too much about it. I am a RN and my husband is a medical resident (albeit a radiology resident), so we don't become too concerned about stuff too often. I was having some very very mild cramping, so mild that I thought I was making it up. Then on Thursday afternoon, I had a gush. Like a real gush. It was not blood, but definitely more serous fluid. At that moment, I denied the idea that it could have been my water breaking. I called my husband (I was in the car) and told him. Of course, he said not to worry and that I could call the OB in the morning if I wanted. I told him I thought we should go to the ER, and he told me it wasn't that serious...that I would know if I was having a miscarriage. I stood my ground and said that if he wouldn't take me to the ER, then we were going to go to the hospital he was training at and he was going to do an ultrasound on me. He was agreeable to that (although he had only done one ultrasound...he's more on the reading the ultrasound side) and so we went. When we went, he had trouble finding the baby and choked it up to user error. We were able to see the head, and in retrospect, it was really low. The baby was already in my vaginal canal. This was at 8 pm or so.

At 9:15, I felt like I had to have a bowel movement, so I went to the bathroom. I had some bloody drainage (nothing that was out of the ordinary from the bloody drainage I had had for the three previous weeks) and when I wiped it away, I saw a foot. We called the MD on call and he told us that we could stay at home if we wanted, although he reminded us of reasons to definitely come into the ER, and allow the baby to pass naturally. We opted for that...

15 minutes later, there were 2 feet coming out and we could see knees. Watching them come out slowly was incredibly traumatic. Incredibly traumatic.

I ended up getting into the bathtub, because I couldn't bear to sit on the toilet any longer. About 30 minutes later, I passed the baby. A baby boy. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Nothing abnormal about him. The cord was still attached to me, so the baby was hanging from me.

About 15 minutes after that, a huge chunk of the placenta came out, but the baby was still attached to me. At 11:30 pm, we were worried that the other half of the placenta was stuck or something. We didn't want to wait in the bathtub much longer. It was getting to be too much for us to have me in the bathtub with bloody water with our baby boy floating around in there, not letting go. We called the MD back and he told us we could cut the cord, and the placenta would eventually come out. So we cut the cord with some surgical scissors we had at home. We wrapped the baby in a towel and put him in a ziplock bag and placed him in the fridge for the time being.

I took a shower and about an hour and a half later, a chunk of something came out, that we decided was part of the placenta and we tried to go to sleep. I was completely unable to sleep and stayed up the whole time.

The next day, we went to the doctor and they were unable to give us an explanation (which we expected). She checked us, and said that my cervix was closed and so assumed that everything had gotten out....although there was a real possibility that it didn't and to be aware of those signs.

On Saturday night, I started having major major cramping. Worse than when I was having the baby on Thursday. I was having contractions (you could see my belly writhe) every 4-6 minutes. I got back into the bathtub, took a percocet I had left over from my c-section a year ago, and started wondering what was going on. I ended up passing a huge chunk of something, that we assumed was the sac. About 2 hours of being in the bathtub again, I felt better and went to bed. I got up at 1:45 am to go to the bathroom and passed another huge something. And ever since then, I have felt like a different person. Much better. A huge improvement.

This was very sad and traumatic for both me and my husband. We were so excited to be pregnant again and so excited for our 15 month old son to have a sibling (and a baby brother at that). We are devastated and traumatized at what we did in our own home, although I must say that I am proud of myself.

We named our baby boy Simon Bradford. We buried him in our backyard on Sunday afternoon.


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## maryannf

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.


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## KristaDJ

I was having my second unassisted pregnancy. I was nearing 12 weeks when it started.
Dec 13th approximately 11wk4d
I've had a really strong feeling for the past few days that this baby isn't going to make it. Thinking back my symptoms have been getting better over the past two weeks and are basically gone now. My uterus hasn't grown since Nov 25th and even my milk supply is nearly back to normal. The last two or three days I've had tan/brown discharge when I wipe. Today I've felt my cervix stretching and had more definite brown discharge this morning. This evening I lost my mucus plug after a bowel movement. It was the same as it was with my labors, a glob of stretchy and gelatinous goo streaked with blood (brown this time instead of pink or clear as with my labors). I've had some odd pains in the side of my uterus where I believe the baby implanted, but nothing terrible. Still no cramps or red blood, but I have been DOG TIRED and a little sick feeling all day.

Dec 14th
Afternoon: My uterus measured 8 cm this morning, it was 10cm nearly three weeks ago, I can hardly feel it anymore. I had cramps last night I couldn't tell where they were coming from, bowels or uterus. Had a loose stool this morning, I always get diarrhea before labor. I went pee this afternoon and when I wiped there was red blood that immediately became enough to nearly soak a pad. It really hit me when I saw the red blood, I cried momentarily when I told Brian I was going to need a garbage can in the bathroom.
Evening: Things slowed back down bleeding wise but I feel like my hormones are crashing. I get hot all of the sudden, almost sweating, I'm getting headaches and getting dizzy, then I'll feel fine. I feel a weight in my lower abdomen. I keep thinking I need to go to the bathroom but nothing comes of it. My cervix feels stretched, like after you give birth. The blood smells just like lochia and is watery/slimy too. Still no cramps.

Dec 15th
Today started off with just some brown spotting but it turned to dark red blood, enough to get on a pad. When I got up to make dinner I had mild cramps and my back, butt and vuvla got really sore, the bleeing picked up a little. I feel like I'm on my period but not as much blood. Still measuring 8cm, I should be 12wks tomorrow.

Dec 16th
Today started the same but by this evening my bleeding has become bright red and like a light period. I can push out blood while on the toilet and every time I sit down to pee a little bit drips out on it's own. Still a little sore but not as bad as yesterday and still no cramps. I got my floradix and chlorophyll today so I'll be taking those for the next few weeks. I actually realized today that there probably will be a baby; like there is probably a baby inside of me that is going to come out......a dead baby..... and I will see it...... and have to do something with it. I was in denial of that before, trying to figure it out now.

Dec 17th
Today started uneventful. A little red blood last night. I was sore in my pelvic area during breakfast. I started having very mild cramps around 11am. Soon after I sat down to pee and a contraction hit. It felt just like early labor. I sat there and it got worse, quickly feeling like active labor. I had to moan and breathe through them. I labored over a colander and chux pad in my living room most of the time from 11:30 to 3:00 when I finally passed the placenta with a sac the size of a large globe grape on it. The sac was empty. The placenta was way too big and in pieces. I passed big clots and parts of placenta the whole time but when the sac came out I instantly felt 100% better. I'd been in laborland, it was very weird knowing there would be no baby at the end of it.

Placenta with sac before I opened it, the sac is between my thumbs, the placenta is baby side up in my hand and it's torn: http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/ooN763

This is the maternal side where the placenta was attached to my uterus:
http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/nHiSh9

Sac opened, empty :http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/605183

Clots and placenta on a chux: http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/G3D5C7

Clots in colander: http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/245Pa0

Blood on chux, there was more in the tub and toilet: http://flickr.com/gp/[email protected]/9A5FKX

I passed four liquid ounces of clots and placenta. I only really bled when I pushed after a contraction. Lots of blood ended up in the toilet too, I was there with the colander under me for the first 30 minutes at least. A few times I got real weak and warm and felt like I was going to sleep, I just prayed through it. I don't know how much blood I lost but I feel tired and weak and have a headache. Med-heavy period bleeding now. I hope these help someone.

I'll update as things happen from now on out, hopefully it will be uneventful.

7wk Update: I suffered from low progesterone and a pretty severe estrogen dominance for the first month after my m/c. I had a very fast heartbeat and splitting headache that landed me in the ER misdiagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis. After a couple of weeks on the medication to control my heartrate I got some wonderful advice about estrogen dominance and I took myself off of the meds and switched to progesterone cream. My symptoms went away entirely and I quickly got to where I did not need the cream.
I bled for 1 week after the m/c and ovulated one week after the bleeding stopped. My luteal phase was only 7 days long b/c of the low progesterone but I ovulated two weeks later and apparently conceived because I just found out that I am pregnant. I'm using the progesterone cream again to help make sure this babe makes it. I sure hope I do not have to come back and add another m/c story.


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## ~Demeter~

Krista, I wanted to thank you for your story and the pictures. I'm sorry we've had to go through this (all of us) but your pictures totally prepared me for what to expect exactly.

November I found out we were unexpectedly expecting babe #5. I wanted to have this one unassisted. My others were totally over medicalized and I was just done with the interventionalism. As I started preparing myself for an unassisted pregnancy, I noticed a loss of my symptoms. I felt rather panicky about this and obsessed over it for about two weeks. It was like I woke up one day and I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I finally decided to just trust my body to do what it needed to.

On Dec. 18 I had my first spotting episode. After I had went to the bathroom I noticed the tp was pink when I wiped. I was devastated. I felt this was a rather bad omen. I tried to convince myself otherwise but this on top of the loss of symptoms.. just seemed bad.

I woke up Dec. 19 and the spotting seemed to have subsided. It had turned brown and I tried to have a more positive outlook about it. That evening it turned reddish though and I was very disheartened by it's appearance at all.

Dec. 20, we had my family holiday dinner. I still had some brownish spotting off and on, I was really trying to hope for the best. I was trying to count the positives.. I could feel my uterus over the top of my pelvic bone but it hadn't seemed to grow in a few weeks but I could still feel it was my mentality. That night I had my first actual bleeding episode. It was right before we left to come home and I told my husband I think this is it. I cried the whole drive home.

Dec. 21, the bleeding didn't seem to get any worse and I wasn't cramping. In fact, I was actually feeling a little more promising today. I woke up the spotting seemed to have subsided and I thought maybe it's just something placental... should work itself out. I had meditated I think the night before and asked for something. The answer was to wait (I had been feeling rather uncertain overall and just wanted some sort of answer). So wait I did. That night somewhere between 6 and 8pm I had another episode of bleeding. It startled me but I was aiming to think positives.

Dec. 22, I woke up and the bleeding had slowed to just old stuff again. I made the connection that it seemed I bled at night, usually only one episode so I really started to believe that it was something placental. I tried to go about my day and rest as much as I could. I noticed that I started bleeding earlier this day than the others and that totally blew my theory out of the water. Still thinking in the positives I thought.. eh.. there's some more bleeding. Trying not to worry.

Dec. 23, I was not feeling good from the moment my eyes opened that morning. We had our homeschool fun club group that afternoon and I was debating even going that's how horrible I felt. It was our Holiday thing and I had baked 8 dozen cookies for the cookie swap so I figured I should just go. Numerous people noticed how off I looked... but after being there for a bit I was able to relax a little. I left feeling a little better. The drive home I noticed I felt kind of crampy.. it felt like I had to go to the bathroom really bad. So when I got home that is where I ran. I noticed that this time when I wiped there was some bits of tissue and clots. I just knew.. that wasn't good and I started saying my goodbyes. I took a nap with my daughter and felt this terrible discomfort in my butt. It was like a cramp and pressure in my tail bone. Every time I went to the bathroom after that there was a definite increase in bleeding. It was now constant but light.

Dec. 24, I woke up weepy and emotional. I hated the holidays and I hated that we had to go to my mil's. I just wanted to stay home. I told my husband that I was most definitely miscarrying and I don't think he really believed me still. I told him that I did NOT want to do this away from home. That if I told him it was time to go... we had to go.

I didn't have much of an appetite at all the past few days but as soon as we got to MILs I was ravenous. She had deviled eggs, chicken strips with dipping sauce and little deli sandwiches. I think the protein overload kicked things into gear for me. Pretty much as soon as I stopped eating the cramping started. I could feel the waves of pain.. at first it was just uncomfortable. We moved on to gift exchanging and things really picked up for me. I told my husband that I really was not well and that we would have to go rather quickly after presents. The contractions picked up and I started to feel really antsy. I just wanted to leave but knew it would be rude. I was starting to feel more stuff coming out of me but it wasn't a lot yet. I thought I might still have some time. I finally got the message through to my husband that we really needed to leave NOW. I stood up and the first gush hit me.. I felt big clumps coming out. I made it out to the kitchen to grab my bag to switch out pads. I sat on the toilet and it just started to pour out of me, lots of blood and clots. I wasn't worried because I knew it was within the realm of normal after reading all of your stories and seeing Krista's pictures. In a weird way I felt like all of you were with me. I was kind of weepy and emotional at this point.. I didn't want to do this at my mil's, I just wanted to go home.

My husband was still getting stuff and kids out in the car and I finally told my mil what was happening. She suggested I go to the doctor.. to which I adamantly refused. I did NOT want to be poked, prodded and be treated like a piece of meat. I just wanted to trust in myself. I started to feel better as soon as I sat in the car... on the drive home I had to vocalize and breathe through contractions. My husband was holding my hand and I could see he was really quite worried about me. I looked over at him between contractions, smiled and said I was ok.

We made it home just in time for me to stand up and flood out my pad/pants. I ran into the bathroom and stripped as quickly as I could. There was blood everywhere at this point. I sat on the toilet and more blood and clots came out. I toilet dived for each one because I just had to have the placenta.. I didn't want to flush that. Things intensified and slowed and intensified and slowed.. finally I was able to clean myself up a bit and step away from the toilet. There was so much blood everywhere... I was ravenous again. Thank goodness mil gave us some little deli sandwiches, I ate two of those and drank a bottle of water. I felt this immense relief.. and felt like I had tons of energy, overall I felt like my old self which I know sounds a bit strange. I realized that my babies did not have any christmas presents and felt like a terrible mother. I knew I wasn't done with the process but I was confident that things had slowed enough that I could risk a trip out to the store to get the kids some presents. I had this feeling of empowerment which is so weird to explain.. I knew I was supposed to feel devastated and I did in many ways but my body did what it needed to in it's own time. I feel like this was meant to be... Anyway.. I went shopping for about an hour for the kids. Came home and had to use the bathroom again. I sat down on the toilet and felt this movement and plop! out the placenta came. I knew right away.. I picked it up and checked it out. The baby was so very small yet... I'm thinking maybe 5 or 6 weeks, pretty much totally in line with the time I lost my symptoms. I should have been around 9 weeks pregnant.. but I could tell that the baby had stopped developing very early on. I was fascinated that my body grew that and expelled it. I checked the placenta over and over, the gestational sac. I found it all fascinating and was very at peace with the process. At peace with my decision to wait.

Dec. 25, I had some wicked after pains... wicked bad. They made it rather uncomfortable to sit or lay down comfortably but I felt great when I was standing or walking around. My bleeding was no worse than a period. I wasn't losing a ton of clots or tissue anymore.

Dec. 26, My bleeding was still about the rate of a period, nothing excessive. I had no pains today at all. I still feel great. I have a huge appetite.. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. I have lots of energy and I'm already trying to catch up on things that have been put off around the house.

Dec. 27, bleeding has slowed some. I would say about medium flow of a period... I feel like I'm gearing up to ovulate which seems strange right after a miscarriage. No cramping today, less tissue and clots overall. I still have decent energy. I feel pretty good overall. Still at peace with how things progressed though I have some major baby fever... and pregnancy lust.

Dec. 28, bleeding has really slowed... at one point I thought I might be done. I napped with my daughter this afternoon and when i woke up I had some nasty cramps again. I knew something was going on because I had not really had cramps since Christmas day. I could actually feel/sense a bit of something placenta/tissue/something hanging out near my cervix. Every time I went to the bathroom I tried to bear down to help things along. I'm not sure if you're supposed to do that but it seemed right at the time. After about an hour or so it finally came loose and my bleeding really slowed.

Dec. 29, I'm barely spotting today. I have moments where there's stuff coming out but they are few and far between. Hopefully this means things are settling down and I can start cycling again real soon. I feel like I'm already gearing up to ovulate which seems odd... and I have some pms-y type mood swings going on the past few days.


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## KristaDJ

I know what you mean about feeling everyone there. I remember in the middle of my m/c I started crying looking at my kids and told my husband "there are women that have done this four or five times and never had a living baby, but they keep trying, I can _do_ this" it motivated me so much and I felt like I was supported by all these women that I didn't even know, women that had far more strength than me.
It's interesting to read another UP'ers story. I didn't notice any others in the thread and I wondered before the m/c if other up'ers had the same symptoms as me with their m/c's. It really seems that you did. I am glad my pictures helped you and I hope that you get a happy healthy pregnancy with an awesome UP/UC very soon


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## birthdancedoula

mamas. Thanks so, SO much for having the courage to share your stories. I have read many, many pages of this thread, and while the thought of going through a m/c is heartbreaking, I have taken great comfort in your stories.

I experienced my first m/c at 5w6d on 12/29. I'm still processing it all and will be back to share the details. For now though, I am parking my spot in this thread.


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## FMS619

I experienced the loss of our baby on Friday, 1/1/10. I was 11 weeks, 2 days pregnant, but the baby died at 7 weeks, 2 days. My experience was very similar to many I've read on this thread...I would add that I had about 2 hours of continuous contractions, then the contractions completely went away and the baby passed the next time I went to the bathroom. That was Friday afternoon. On Sunday morning, I had contractions again for an hour--very scary, since we didn't know what was going on. I passed a huge clot---about 3 inches long and an inch wide, red and white, kind of fiberous looking. Then Wednesday morning in the middle of the night and when I got up, I passed two big, round, hard clots. After talking to the dr, I think those instances after Friday were probably the remainder of the placenta.

My mom brought me her heating pad and it has been immensely helpful in easing the cramping feeling and just helping me get warm. I've been freezing cold ever since the miscarriage.

Right now, that's all I can post. The past few days, I've had such a range of emotions, from telling myself it's ok to feel sad, to telling myself to "get back in the game and get going again." Certainly, it feels like most of the rest of the world wants me to get going again but I'm just not there yet. My family has been wonderful support but the rest of the world has just gone on when I wish it would stop with me for a few moments so I can catch my breath.

I'm just sad, thinking of the future this baby won't have in our family and the little brother or sister my girls won't ever know.

Becky


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## KristaDJ




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## Mami_2_IB_n_DJ

I had 2 losses but one considered a m/c at 21 weeks. It had been 7 years since my 1st loss and after going to a fertility doctor we were pregnant again. I was considered high risk due to our first loss our DD born at 26.5 weeks in Jan 1994. She passed on Jan. 16, 1994. I would call the OBGYN office if I felt anything weird, which it wasn't too often. I was having a pretty calm pregnancy until the last week of Aug 2000. It was a Monday morning and off I went to work as a reservations supervisor at Orlando hotel. I went to the bathroom and when I went to clean myself I saw brownish and whitish stuff. I called my doctor right away and he just told me it was natural to have discharge at 5 months. Since I din't have any other symptoms I let it slide. The next day it was the same and getting worse, still no pain. I called my OB once again and he told me the same thing. I called the medical plans nurse hotline for a second opinion. She pretty much asked me what my OB told me, and told me to trust him. I had been scheduled for a cervical u/s for Wednesday. When I went in and they placed the monitor, the technician stepped away and came back with a Doctor. They told me I had to go right away to the hospital. My cervix had openned and the omniotic sack was slightly bulging out.
At the hospital I was to meet with my doctor, whom never showed up. We were told if I was leaking fluid I had to wait to m/c or have it hurried along ( I forgot the word). I wanted to go home and see if it would all stop with bedrest, but they said no. I was getting a fever which meant another infection and I was leaking fluid. We saw the baby and it looked perfect.It was hanging on. We didn't find out it's sex until it was born. I know I started cramping and was given medication for the pain. Then I was told to start pushing. I didn't care to even try. I did a little bit and just gave up and asked " what for?" The pretty much had to pull him out. Yes, we had a son. He fit perfectly in my hand, very small and fragile. You could see his little heart humping away in his chest and trying to breathe. He was so small, yet looked like his dad. We kept him with us until his heart stopped beating. The hospital did nothing to try to save him. They said he was too small and under weight to even try. It was very hard to have him taken away from our room. It was very hard to have this happen again. My husband at the time and I were never the same and we divorced 3 years later.
I now have 2 beautiful babies with my new DH, both high risk pregnancies. My DD born 7 years after my lossing my DS and when she was 7 months old we found out we were expecting baby #2 our DS. I was on bedrest for abour 4 months for both pregnancies. They finally found out I suffered from an incompetent cervix and had a cerclage placed at 12 weeks for both pregnancies and progesterone shots weekly. It worked!


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## ElizaS

I miscarried at 14 weeks. My husband and I were planning to move, and I didn't want to get established with a Doctor and then have to do it again somewhere else, so I never saw one. I have a sweet friend, my other mother, who is a midwife and she has helped us through this trial.

December 4th, we visited my midwife friend, and she offered to let us hear our baby's heartbeat with her dopplar. I was twelve weeks, and she couldn't find anything. The next week, I had some light spotting. I called Debbie to make sure this wasn't anything to be concerned about, but she was concerned and arranged for her niece in Memphis to get us a sonogram on Saturday the 12th. I knew that Thursday night we had lost the baby. I was passing some clots and bleeding only a little, but we tried to be hopeful until we knew for sure. The sonogram revealed that the baby had grown to 6wks and there was no heartbeat. And then we waited. It was a week from the time I started spotting to when I went into labor.

We got home Wednesday night from church, and I was feeling kind of icky - cramps and backaches. Around 9pm, the pains really started intensifying. I got a hot pad, and that helped a little while. I tried to change positions and sway my hips, but for the two hours of hard labor, only at the very end were there noticeable breaks between the contractions...the rest of it seemed unrelenting. I labored on the toilet some, but my legs got to feeling numb and shaky, and I wasn't sure if things were going the way they ought, so we called Debbie. She told me to take some tylenol, get in the tub, and give it another hour. I had to get off the phone to throw up.

The tub and tylenol helped. I writhed around with the pain in the tub, and came away with some bruises on my back, but otherwise the water helped ease my nerves some. I could barely speak during that last hour, I remember mumbling and praying and having to work at speaking clearly to my husband. I passed several fairly large mucus membranes and bled a fair amount. And then it stopped. Right when the last contraction was finished, Debbie called to check on us, and I was feeling better immediately. She told me when I could take some more tylenol - which I didn't need - and to be sure and drink the red raspberry leaf tea. After the call, I was able to stand and shower off and crawl into bed. When I got up the next morning, I went to the bathroom and while I was sitting there, I felt a little 'plop' and there was my baby. It didn't hurt at all. I looked at it a little while and from the size, seemed to have grown to 10-11 weeks (which leaves me wondering about the sonogram).

I tried to stay in bed the entire next day and tried to take it easy.

It's been four and a half weeks since I miscarried. We're still grieving and struggling through some hard days, but my first period since the loss came today, and we're hopeful for better days ahead.


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## painefaria

Monarch Rain's too early birth story&#8230;

After waiting so long to be able to get pregnant it was quite a surprise when I was pregnant the first try. We were almost in shock. Yvonne made me take two tests and really didn't believe me until after the blood test when I was about 6 weeks. I had scheduled with the midwife for my first appointment in early December but wanted the blood work done prior to the appointment. I don't know something just didn't feel right. The blood work came back great Beta was nice and high and all of the other blood work was normal. Things continued to progress but I felt different, never really voicing my concern to my partner just chalking it up to "every pregnancy is different". The month of December was so busy and I was terrible tired and kind of moody, again pregnancy, right? We told all of our families at Christmas time, I had started to feel better, still nauseated and tired but better.

But that all ended on 1/9/10. This was the day from hell&#8230; Man was I all over the place. Angry/tearful/frustrated you name it. I actually went to the store by myself, something that I would never do on a weekend, just to get away. We got together with friends of ours later in the evening. I made dinner and noticed later in the evening that my back was killing me. I have some back issues and if I over do it I can really feel it, but I couldn't think of anything that I did to make my back feel that bad. We stayed until about 11:30pm and I just needed to go home. The whole evening every time I turned around I needed to pee. So by the time we had made the 1 mile drive home I had to pee again. Yvonne beat me to the bathroom so I helped Holden get into his Pj's and then my water broke. Part of me didn't believe it. I thought that I had pee'd myself. When I sat down on the toilet I found my mucus plug. I knew that it wasn't good, but no blood when I wiped. Yvonne finished getting Holden ready for bed and I went to bed. Yvonne asked if she should call the midwife and I said no. About 15 minutes later I had some bad cramping and I needed to go to the bathroom and it started. So much blood and clots&#8230; the whole toilet was red. Yvonne called the midwife and she arrived at 1am. She stated that it could be two things, a miscarriage or a sub chorionic bleed. With out an ultrasound she wouldn't be able to tell. I spent most of my time back and forth to the bathroom. I would feel like I needed to pee and then I would pass clots on the toilet. The midwife asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said that I would wait until the morning and see how I felt. I didn't want to wake Holden up and ask his dad to watch him.

So I spent the night in my "birth place" some where between consciousness and not. Sometime between 3am and 6am I remember feeling more at peace and a name came to me, Monarch Rain. This would not normally be a name that we would name our children, not a name that we had been talking about. This name came from her&#8230;

At 6am I went to the bathroom and when I got up I remember almost falling to the floor. I was so dizzy and I got really scared. I went into the bedroom and woke Yvonne up and told her that I needed to go to the hospital. She called the midwife and Holden's dad and we were off to the hospital. They got up set up in a room at about 7am. We waited, and we waited and we waited. Finally at about 9am they came and did the ultrasound. The tech informed us that she was not able to tell us anything while she was doing the scan. We were able to see the scan and we could see nothing and at 11 weeks we knew that we should see something. Yvonne and I cried as the tech left the room. We had some time to our selves and we talked. I was still cramping on and off and felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I was still really bleeding. They came in and took blood and it took the techs 3 tries and a lot of pain to get the blood and then we waited&#8230; It took forever for the beta to come back. The OB finally came in around 10:45 and confirmed that I was miscarrying and that the ultrasound confirmed that there was no baby and no sac at this time. The OB did not feel that it was a chemical or molar pregnancy just that I had passed the baby already. He stated that he did not feel that I needed a D & E because there was not much tissue remaining and that what was remaining I would pass naturally. We were released shortly without Discharge instructions just an unhelpful folder about miscarriages. I asked a number of times if I needed anything else but they said we were okay to go. We went home and picked up our dear little boy. We cuddled and napped for a few hours. I continued to bleed and pass clots until about 8:30pm. At this time we were getting ready for bed. I nursed Holden to sleep as I normally do and it really caused the contractions to increase. I remember stating to Yvonne that I don't think that I can take this anymore and I went to the bathroom. I passed the largest clot/tissue that I had and I remember feeling great relief. Almost confirmation that it was over&#8230;

The next few days were a blur, calling family, making arrangements to be off a week, and telling people that we had just given the great news to. Wednesday would have been 12 weeks and was the hardest day; I think that I spent most of it sobbing. I bled/spotted for 7 days and have had terrible headaches and dizzy spells that the Dr has stated are probably from my hormones trying to get back to normal and the amount of blood that I lost.

Today is 10 days after my miscarriage and I would have entered my 13 week/ second trimester. It is hard to believe that I will not have a baby to hold and love in July&#8230;

We love you Monarch Rain.


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## IdentityCrisisMama

Hi, mamas

Thanks so much for this thread. I started a miscarriage yesterday and without this thread would have been really frightened last night. Here is my story as it progresses:

I wiped and saw a small amount of bright red blood at 2pm yesterday. I went home to rest and the bleeding increased slightly every time I went to the bathroom. At one point around 10pm it did decrease slightly.

I woke around 12am with what I can only describe as transition. I was weak, shaky, dizzy and nauseous. I had a weird type cramping and strong poop pains. I alternated from the toilet to the bath felling really bad. I had a loosening on the bowels and passed something larger than before. I didn't see it because it was mixed with the BM in the toilet and I was feeling too physically bad to deal with it. I nearly fainted (which I had felt for my last birth). After a few minutes in bed I got back in the tub and then started to feel much better. I bled a bit that night but haven't had much in the way of cramping since. I hope it's over.

I spoke to my MW today. Even though I only saw her for the consult she was really sweet and helpful. She said I didn't need an exam or anything and I reminded her that I am Rh-. She offered me the shot at her house this weekend. I would prefer not to pay out of pocket for Rogham because it is medically mainstream but my MW doesn't think I can 'just' get Rogham without an ultrasound and blood work, which is annoying.

No more strong cramping and relatively light bleeding today. All and all it was less than 24 hours for which I am grateful.

Today we're calling all the people we had told, which is hard.

My one piece of advice: EAT!! I did not feel like eating but now knowing that a miscarriage at 11 weeks is like a mini, mini-labor I would have eaten a light meal and had some juice.


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## balsammommy

Thanks for everyone's messages....I am expecting to miscarry soon. I've been having bloodwork ,HCG tests and ultrasounds for the last month. They finally figured out that my baby died probably about a week ago. The numbers from the HCG tests hadn't been doubling so I thouht it may be. At first they saw no sac, then an empty sac, or so I thought, but I found out that they saw a fetal pole on the last ultrasound and that makes this harder for me now, because I know it was a baby not an empty sac. I'm not having a DNC, I'm just goona wait it out at home. I'm sort of nervous but I am thankful for a great friend who has given me support.


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## MommaHeather

hi ((balsammommy))

I'm sorry for your loss. I miscarried at home as well. Just keep listening to your body, and do good things for yourself. We had a beautiful ceremony for our baby.


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## coco

thanks all who posted, Ive been reading especially looking for timelines- so here's mine:

7.5 week apt us showed baby 2 weeks too small with slow heartbeat
8.5 week apt us showed no heartbeat

decided to let it happen naturally as Ive had 4 previous early losses with no waiting period, including one just months before- figured my body knew how to expel a baby









10.5 weeks -nothing has happened. Decide to get a d+c. husband wants to be there so we schedule for the next week when he has off.

11 weeks- light brown mucousy discharge. finally!
11.1- very light brown discharge throughout day, turning more pinkish towards night. call and tell nurse, she says keep the pre- apt to see how far Ive gotten.- sort of feel like its a race against the clock.

dull cramping through the night

11.2 weeks- morning discharge has turned to bright red
10:00 feel fine, about to tackle a cleaning project, then feel something coming down and out. run up to toilet and with a cramp I feel and hear much solid material forcibly land in toilet. 2 more of those right away and Im convinced the entire contents of my uterus are in the toilet. I flush.

I get up feel fine and slightly triumphant and tell dh I think thats it. I fold laundry.

30 min. later another contraction sends me to toilet- this time I catch handfuls of whats coming out and it is large 3x2 inches and smaller chunks of reddish purple gelatinous tissue. it looks like the liver or kidney when you clean out a chicken.

dont feel as great after that round, but get back to folding. dh convinces me to lie down. he takes kids on errands.

I think these bouts are all 30 min. to an hour apart
I drink 1/2 cup of veg. broth
after they leave the next bout is the same with the contraction expelling handfuls of this material. but this time I feel like Im going to throw up. Then my ears get hot and I feel like Im going to faint. I lie down on the bathroom floor. after I make sure Im not going to faint I make it back to bed. an hour? later the same thing. now Im getting nervous that I might pass out and and start bleeding too much and Im all alone.

I make it back to bed with a cool rag, the family returns, dh gives me a capful of floradix and a cup of acai juice and tells me to drink water. he brings me a snack of cheese and crackers.
The iron and juice and snack make me feel SO much better.

the next session expels about 1 handful of the material. I feel like Im over the hump.

by 3:30 I know the worse is behind me. So 10:30- 3:30 is most of it.

I stayed in bed quietly till 5:30, the trips to the bathroom generating less each time. I went outside and sat in the sun for 20 min. ( I feel better when I have sun on my skin







then I lie down on the loveseat in the shade on the deck, I still feel faint when I sit/ stand up.

at 6:30 I sit and the table with fam for dinner and eat everything. food makes me feel so much better.

In bed for the night Im still feeling cramping but its just red blood and not too much to make me nervous. cramping stops in the night.

11.3 blood that has collected in the night drips into toilet, not too much. no more contractions. feel slightly weak but generally fine. trips to toilet let some blood gloop out, some on pad- not too much. slight headache

so thats it for now, Im keeping my apt for tomorrow just to confirm everythings out which it must be!
not bad -pretty quick and efficient once it started.

the iron and food and drink were important. I should have eaten earlier.

update: oh my gosh, totally shocking us apt. I was expecting that all was clear after the amt of material that came out of me- but guess what ? the gestational sac and more is yet to come. I am shocked. So I started the methergine tablets prescribed this morning and am still waiting for more contractions and more everything. I was very disappointed, and am back in the waiting game bizarrely after saturdays experience.

methergine dindnt work, prescribed misoprostol. 1st course nothing- no cramps nothing. called for more and took it, nothing until next morning slight discharge with texture. ultrasound next day showed sac gone, still bleeding and some material. 2 weeks later still light but constant bleeding.


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## LeaAline

I just found out today that our baby is no longer living. I've been spotting w/clots for 5 days.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm not sure how mine will progress, but I take comfort in knowing how strong all of you are.


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## egmaranian

I am so sorry for all of the losses I've read about on this thread. Reading all of the stories has really helped me come to terms with what is inevitably going to happen very soon.

I am 12 weeks today and I found out 10 days ago that my dear baby had died around 9 weeks. DH and I had gone to our OB for our first US and prenatal appt and we were so happy to see our new little one when we got there. The funny thing is that I was very nervous when we left the house for some reason. This is my second pregnancy, and other than newbie jitters, I was never nervous in a bad way with my DS. This morning just felt different. My fears were confirmed when the US tech got very quiet. When I looked at the screen, I could see the fetus and it was completely still. I asked the tech if it was normal for the baby to not be moving and she was quite short in her response, telling me that happened sometimes and the doctor would talk to us about the pictures. She didn't offer any information, nor did she give us any printed pictures. Odd! I was freaking out by now and I just wanted the doc to tell me my baby was ok.

When my doc came into the room, she immediately said there was a problem with the US and that the tech was unable to find a heartbeat. Also, the fetus was measuring almost two weeks smaller than it should have. She gave me some stats on the frequency of mc and said that it was probably just bad luck, not an indication of any major problem with me. The baby was probably incapable of surviving outside of the womb for some reason and this was nature's way of solving a horrible issue. Not helpful!

I was in shock! I starting crying immediately and the rest of the appointment was just a blur. My OB is very pro natural birth, as are DH and me, so she counseled me to let my body do what it's designed to do and have the mc naturally.

So now I am waiting, waiting, waiting for things to run their course. I am so devastated by the loss of my dear little one. This pregnancy was unexpected, but DH and I were so, so happy to be parents again and for our 13 month old DS to be a big brother. Although I want to mc naturally, I am so terrified of how long I am going to have to wait. Every once in a while I think I should just go ahead and schedule a d&c. It totally goes against my belief that birth is a natural process, but I really need closure.

Anyway...thanks so much to all of you brave, strong women who have shared your stories. I will post updates as I go along this journey.

Erica


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## wordsimighthave8

Hi everyone. I am currently experiencing what I think as to be my miscarriage. Here is what is going on with me.

I found out on July 16, 2010 by a home urine pregnancy test that I was expecting. I had not been feeling good for about two weeks prior and was thinking that I should get a test. I have been on birth control for over 6 years to help regulate my cycle, and never missed any pills, so I was shocked to see the positive! My bf and I were scared and excited all at the same time. I called a local clinic to get a free test and ultrasound and set it up for July 26th. I mark all of my menstrual cycles down so I was putting myself at 8 weeks, 4 days on the day of my appointment. We went in there that day expecting to have all of this work done and set up with who I would be seeing for my pregnancy care. When I got the ultrasound done, they first did a transabominal one. The tech could not see very well so she thought I was not as far along as I thought. Next came the vaginal ultrasound. She proceeded to tell me that I have a retroverted uterus so it is pointing more towards my back. I got a rush of excitement when I saw my little peanut on the screen. I said "Is that it?!" And with these words, I knew something was wrong. She said "I think it is, but I am not sure" The crown rump was measuring only 6 weeks, 1 day and she could not find a heartbeat. She also said that she saw what she thought were remnants of a yolk sac. She was concerned so she wanted to set up an appointment for me at a local OBGYN. I got scheduled for the next day, which happened to be my 22nd birthday (BIG MISTAKE) Before I left the office, she gave me papers on miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. I was at a loss for what I had done for this to have happened.

Going home that evening, my bf and I sat and poured over articles on the internet. Some gave us hope (having the retroverted uterus can sometimes prove tricky on finding a heartbeat and determining size) and others completely crushed me. I went in the next day with some hope, but a very heavy heart. I was examined and the doctor looked over the previous days u/s pictures. She then told me that I should expect a miscarriage. I started crying immediately. They also gave me another u/s to see if they could detect a heartbeat. There was nothing and they even put "color" on it and showed that there was no blood flow to the placenta. She gave me three options - schedule a D & C, take medication to induce, or go the natural route. I needed some time to think things through, all the while still holding onto hope that they were wrong. We went home and I was an emotional wreck for the next two days. Anything would set me off into a crying fit. I finally decided that I wanted to do it naturally as it being my first pregnancy.

Flash forward to the middle of August. I still had not had any symptoms of an impending miscarriage so I called to see if I could get another u/s to see if my peanut had grown at all. They agreed and I scheduled for August 25th. Two days before my date, I started cramping and had some light spotting. I knew what was happening immediately due to all of the research I have been doing (it's been pretty much non stop since I found out I was told I would have a m/c) I am now only five days into the process. The bleeding has been coming and going, with small clots here and there. I know I have not completely evacuated everything so harder days are to come. In retrospect, I would've gotten the D & C just so the process would've been faster and not drawn out for over a month like it has been. I would be 12 weeks, 1 day today if this had been a viable pregnancy. This has been the hardest situation I have had to deal with my entire life, but to know each and every one of you has been through the same thing, if not worse, I know that I will overcome this. Thank you for all the support and I wish the best of luck to all of you!


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## Maine Mama Doula

I found this thread the day of my miscarriage and it was so helpful, so I want to add to it now.

My first prenatal appointment was scheduled when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had already given birth to three full-term and postdate children and never experienced a miscarriage. This pregnancy was a surprise. All along, I kept trying to figure out WHEN we conceived, because it just seemed like we dtd way late in my cycle, but maybe I was forgetting. I was nervous because I wasn't sick, although I was exhausted. Caffeine was a real trial for me and I continue to have my cup-a-day. My youngest had a congenital heart defect, and everything I did that wasn't 100% healthy made me think I was going to screw up this baby somehow. My son only has one kidney too.

That morning I had some brown spotting. DH snapped that I wasn't helping much and I replied that I wasn't helping because I might be having a miscarriage, though I didn't really believe myself. The spotting had stopped by the time we went for the appointment. I had the full appoinmtment and physical exam as it was a new midwife. I mentioned the spotting, but said I wasn't super concerned because it had stopped. She said there was a little blood and decided to schedule an ultrasound right then.

DH and the kids went out to the car while I went for my ultrasound. I have a retroverted uterus and the tech ended up doing an trans vaginal ultrasound where she could only see a sac measuring 5 weeks and no fetus. I went to get my blood drawn and when I went to pee in the cup, there was lots more red blood. I went back to my midwife's office and told her I thought I was having a miscarriage. She agreed that it was likely, ordered a quantitative HCG test, gave me a Rhogam shot, and told me to come back in 2 days for another quant HCG.

The bleeding continued through the rest of the day and stopped overnight. It started back up the next day. I spent the day reading this thread. Throughout the day I passed many clots and that afternoon I got into the shower for the second time. I squatted down and could feel some tissue at the opening of my vagina. I pinched it lightly and beared down three times, pushing it out a little each time with some traction. After the third "push" it came out. It was just like a little placenta, tissue-like, and there was no baby that I could find. I called DH to get me a baggy and put it in the freezer because I felt like I would pass out if I tried to look at it any longer.

My HCG levels dropped from 9000 to 2000 in 2 days. 5 days later, or CD5 and the bleeding has almost stopped. I am comforted by the fact that the baby never developed. It never had a beating heart. So I feel like I lost a pregnancy and not a baby.


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## eakelly5

I went in for an appt today because I was still cramping and had a backache and they couldn't find the HB via Doppler. I was 15 weeks along and we heard the HB just fine at 12 weeks. I was sent for an ultrasound and again there was no heartbeat detected. No heartbeat. We are totally devastated. I can't believe this is happening. I am scheduled for a D+C tomorrow but I started bleeding on the way home and passed a small, about 4.5 inch long completely intact baby boy about an hour and a half later. Eyes, nose, mouth, tiny hands, feet, fingers and toes all visible. Amazing and perfect and beautiful. I can't describe exactly how I felt laying eyes on my still baby for the very first time. I screamed for my daughter to bring me a towel to lay the baby on and then I screamed for my boyfriend because I absolutely needed him there with me. I just can't believe this happened. We placed him in a little box and will bury him underneath a tree in my parents' yard. We named him Landen. He was beautiful, I was told several times I'd be passing "unidentifiable tissue" not a BABY, and I'm glad to see those people were dead wrong. I'm glad I got to hold him in my hands and talk to him and tell him I loved him, even if it was in the worst of circumstances. With a D+C I wouldn't have gotten the chance to see him, meet him, hold him. I think all of that will help with my healing.


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## Sweet Tater

I'm 38 and this was my first-ever pregnancy. I was 8 weeks along when the cramps started last Monday night, a week ago. Tuesday, I started lightly spotting. I tried not to become alarmed because I'd read that spotting is common during pregnancy. But by Wednesday afternoon, the spotting had turned to bleeding and the cramps were becoming severe. The blood was there every time I wiped in the bathroom, and the color varied from bright red to dark brown.

I went in for an ultrasound Friday morning. The embryo was still in its sac in the uterus. However, the doctor said the baby was only 5.5 weeks along and she questioned the dates of my last period -- but I'd tracked everything carefully because I took the fertility drug Clomid, so I know my dates were accurate. I guess the baby just stopped growing.

Saturday I began passing black clots about the size of a dime. Today, the bleeding has picked up and I'm going through a pad an hour. Every time I sit on the toilet I pass a gob of dark red gelatinous tissue the size of a silver dollar and lots of bright red blood. I fish out the globs with a slotted spoon to inspect them because the nurse said the embryonic sac would contain grayish, more solid tissue. Haven't seen that yet. I have cramps of varying intensities. Sometimes they last for hours and then suddenly will stop and I realize I'm pain-free.

I've been calling in sick to work and just lying around, reading, going to the bathroom and wiping the blood away. I wish the process would speed up so it would be over and done with and I could move on. I've done my grieving.


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## sarahmck

I described my miscarriage here in detail the day after it happened, so I'm just going to link to that thread.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1236081


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## bcblondie

Hi everyone. My name is Susy. This was our 3rd pregnancy. Second loss. My first pregnancy ended at 5 weeks. This one, we found out at 9 weeks that the baby passed at 8w4d. A week or so ago I decided to try Vit C and Parsley to help encourage natural miscarriage, even though docs were trying to rush a d&c or misoprostol... Let me say, I'm SO glad I waited.

Some back story.
Oct 29th. Started vit c and parsley at 4pm

30th. Still vit c and parsley.

31st. Last day of vit c and parsley. Finished at 4pm. Had just the faintest bit of spotting on the leaves.

1st. Spotting the tiniest bit when I checked cervix. Just pink.

2nd. Spotting more noticable when I check cervix. Darker red.

3rd. Had some bright red spotting after a walk, which made it out on it's own.

4th. Dark brown, almost black blood coming out all day.

5th. Woke up to brown blood. Enough to change the colour of the toilet water.
Later went shopping for a long time and had lots of red blood after. Clotty bits like when I miscarried before.
More red blood after a BM.

Today, the 6th.
I'd been having some mild cramps last night and today. Around 3 o'clock William woke up from an extremely short nap. I figured I'd nurse him and try put him back down. He nursed forever. One side, then the other, then the other again! The stimulation caused the cramping to become more uncomfortable. I put William back down and went back downstairs. That's when I felt a gush of blood. I didn't get too excited because it had been so off and on this whole time I'd learned my lesson. But the gushes kept coming. William woke up again so I went upstairs and woke Tyler to make him get William, and I got into the tub with just a little water and passed some clots.
After that I milled around for a while, the cramps weren't letting up. DH and I decided we REALLY needed some groceries so we ran out super quick and got that done. I was pretty uncomfortable the whole time and worried I'd pass the baby in the grocery store. But we made it home and I immediate jumped into the tub again and passed a bunch more clots. Then I came down and we had some leftovers for dinner. By this point the cramps felt a lot like contractions, coming and going very steadily, and stopping me in my tracks. Right after dinner I told Tyler I was just going to lay down on the couch for a second. The cramps were coming hard and fast and I was debating taking some pain meds becuase I thought it would be several hours of this. I took my temp because I was feeling weird and shakey, but it was fine.
Finally I decided I better get in the tub and prepare to pass some massive clots. I leaned over to start the water and a huge gush of blood came out so I quickly hopped into the tub and as soon as I went to sit down, plop. Out came the sac. I was shocked because I really thought it would be a while yet. And I was amazed how I felt completely 100% better after it passed. I called Tyler up and he came and looked with me. We were both amazed. We could move the sac around and see the baby floating around inside... I was suprised that everything was so fully in tact after all this time.
We put the sac in a cup with contact solution, since apparently that helps preserve it. :dunno: And Tyler went and put William to bed. I started feeling really weak again so I had some water and an orange and layed down. (Also some pain meds because the cramps were coming back.) I definately couldn't sleep though. After a little rest Dh and I broke the sac open and were able to take a really close look at the baby. It was so amazing. Little arms and legs. Little umbilical cord still attached to the sac, black dots for eyes and nose. Big old ears for such a small baby... Everything looked perfect. I just wish we knew what was wrong.
Probably tomorrow, after we get some more pictures and more time with the baby, we'll bury it in teh yard. I think we'll name the baby... but I have no idea what, yet. I still don't even have a hunch on the sex, so. Time will tell I guess.

This thread really helped me while I was waiting for miscarriage. I hope my story helps someone as well.

----------------------------
ETA.

Apparently my story wasn't over! I woke up at 5 this morning to william crying. I went to nurse him and that got my cramps going again. I tried to ignore them and go to sleep but they just got worse and worse. Same intensity as before but no breaks in between! By 7 oclock or so I started thinking maybe I had an obstructed bowel because I'd been having trouble going lately, but not constipated... I was feeling weak and shakey just like before. Even a little sick this time. So I wen to the bathroom and just said screw it. Push as hard as you can... And then I felt something fall through the cervix. I stopped pushing, just out of shock. And then gave one more little push and a massive placenta fell out.
Tyler got up and helped me take some pictures of it. It's shape was weird... as if it went all teh way around my uterus... I put it in a bag of water. I'm going to call the hospital today for one last ditch effort to see if they can do tests on it. I'm keeping my baby though!
Anyways. After that I went back to bed, and my bed never felt so comfy. We slept in super late, even William, and I feel so good today. Mostly a huge sense of relief that it's over, it went well. I don't have to go in to the hospital or anything... I'm just happy.

Oh and I also wanted to say. I think it's simply incredible that the body can tell teh difference between pushing a baby out and pushing a placenta out. With teh baby it was like contractions. I got breaks in between. With the placenta it was one massive painful cramp until it was out. Just amazing...

Also. I think I see a birth defect in the baby, now that I compare with pics online. There seems to be no bottom jaw, and possibly a double cleft lip. I will post pics on a blog or osmething later today. So if anyone would like to see, I'm happy to share. I think it's amazing to see something we normally can't.

ETA. I've uploaded pics to a private album. If anyone would like to see I'd be happy to share the link.


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## chrstene

thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to see your pictures.

I am also awaiting a miscarriage right now. My 4th loss. I hate the waiting. I should be about 10 weeks now but baby's heartbeat stopped sometime during the 6th week.


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## bcblondie

Im sorry for your loss.







I will pm you the link and password.


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## entiti

I am so sorry for your losses, mamas.

I started brown spotting at about 6-8 weeks. (not too sure how far along I was) I still moved around, and took care of my 20 month old, dd. After a few days of being freaked out, and hoping and wishing.....the bleeding was bright red, and starting to pour out. HEAVY! I sat in the bath, and the water turned a dingy color, and I started to cramp.

I laid in my bed while friends took my daughter for a few hours, and the cramping got worse, like labor. I decided to get up, and sit at the computer for answers. While sitting the cramping felt tons better, and I started to pass huge clots of blood. (Gravity helped me alot, like in my first term labor). After a few hours and passing lots of bloody globs, and blood, I felt better. I never felt light headed or smelled anything weird. I was tired, and went to bed about 6 hours after the ordeal. I bled heavily for a few days, then like a period for the next week.

Then BAM! Bleeding got heavier after 2 weeks. I had a huge fight with dh, moved furniture around, and then it got HEAVY again. Like having the m/c all over again. Ugh.....
I called my old midwife and she told me that if it didn't taper off after a few days to go to a doctor. I drank RRL tea, and stayed on bedrest for four days, and the bleeding did taper off....but was still like a med/heavy period. At 3 weeks I finally had a neg hpt test.....but was still bleeding more than I'd like.

At four weeks, I went crazy with the RRL tea. I guzzled it for two straight days. The third day the bleeding stopped completely. No brown spotting....nothing. It was done. FINALLY!! I was just so happy that my body took care of it all, that my heavy mourning was taken over by that fact.

I read somewhere in my hours of researching here on MDC, that with the many drugs and procedures done nowadays, it's caused a majority of people to think that miscarriages are a wham bam thank you ma'am process, and after two weeks if you're still bleeding then something's wrong. When that is not always the case. I bled for over a month, and was okay the whole time. Certainly, intervention is necessary sometimes, but in my opinion, the body will work everything out if given the chance. I'm glad I now know that.

So....four and a half weeks later, it was finally done. It's been a long road.


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## KristaDJ

This happened On May 5th of this year and I have not shared it here because I was in denial about it and that I actually belonged here







. Here is my first m/c story from december of last year: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...&postcount=367 I am currently 19wks1d pregnant and waiting to pass my baby that died two and a half weeks ago. Since I will be adding that story soon I do not want my last baby to be left out.
Here is his birth story from another board I posted on, I wrote this the day after it happened.
I'm not sure how much I actually want to remember but I sure don't want to act like it didn't happen. This is long and graphic but I need to say it.
Yesterday I was 16wk4d pregnant, today I am not pregnant at all. The day before yesterday I had menstrual like cramps all morning and afternoon. I was assuming that it was the tight pants I had on (all the ones that fit were washed/drying) and when I was able to change I took the pants off and the cramps stopped hurting. I was still having a lot of BH's, way more than normal and I remarked to my friend that "it would be just like me to have a m/c right after I finally announced my pg on FB." We pretty much agreed that was a ridiculous thought and I laid down and drank plenty of water. The BH's let up and I made dinner like usual but my lower back pain was worse than normal. I really didn't think anything of it at all and went to sleep thinking that everything was okay.
The next morning (yesterday) I got up and went potty like normal and when I wiped I was totally shocked to see blood. It wasn't just a tiny bit, it was dark red and it was a a couple of inches wide on the paper. I wasn't even able to wipe it away completely and when I got up there was a little in the potty too. I put a pad on and went downstairs knowing that I was going to loose the baby but totally unwilling to accept that. I told hubby and we decided that he would work half a day and come home (we run a small lawncare business and he had some yards that HAD to be done). He put the tv in the living room and I sat and watched movies with the kids all day. I cramped throughout the day but nothing too bad, I also had BH's alternating with the cramps. There was no more bleeding and I was trying to be hopeful. But about the time that I expected hubby home they started getting worse. The cramps were hurting in my back and seemed to be combining with the BH's. Right before he came home my youngest fell asleep. I cannot describe how totally out of character that is for her. She takes ONE nap a day at 12:00 and she sleeps for an hour at most but usually more like 20-30min. She had already taken her nap but she fell asleep at 5:00 (i think) and slept for over two hours. After I laid her down I went pee and there was more blood.
When Brian finally got home I gathered some towels and my water (and camera) and went downstairs. I apologized to my baby that I could not grow it right and I took off my panties and sarong and I sat in my computer chair on a towel. I logged in to get some support and the forum was all nuts and I couldn't post. I vented my frustration with the forum on FB and when I got my first response I immediately felt a hot gush of bright red blood. The cramps then turned into contractions and blood was coming out in small gushes every few minutes. I called hubby down to bring me more towels and my tinctures for hemorrhage (I'd brought them upstairs, before he left, along with chux pads and depends). He gave me the stuff and was about to go back up and I started bleeding more, then I just fell apart. There I was for the second time in our marriage, the second time in 6mos, the second pregnancy in a row, squatting over towels and bleeding losing our baby. I knelt down over the towel and sobbed that I didn't want to do this again and I was so, so sorry. After a minute I straightened myself up and got back into the chair on a chux pad (which I sent him back up for in my mess). He stayed with me after that (I think) and I sat waiting on FB for someone to get into private chat with me. I was so totally unprepared for this that I couldn't even think, I needed to talk to someone who knew that I could do it. Before anyone could come I felt pressure in my butt and an intense urge to pee. I was rocking back and forth and bleeding and sobbing that I didn't want to do it, I didn't want it to come out. I knew there was a baby this time and I just couldn't handle that. Finally I had to pee so bad that I couldn't stop it so I had him scoot me the girls' potty on a chux and I squatted over it. I peed into the potty and felt something big move into the birth canal. I felt and there was a warm sac coming out, when it was halfway out I could see it and see my baby inside. At that point I finally knew that I could not stop it from happening and I just pushed. My baby plopped out in a completely intact sac with no placenta in sight. The cord ran from the baby, through the side of the sac and up inside me to the placenta which was not coming out. I squatted over the baby in the sac for a few minutes, we took pictures of the perfect hands and feet and I tried pushing and reaching up a little to see what was there but all that came out was blood, lots of blood. I wasn't cramping at all in that position. I finally had Brian get scissors and cut the cord so I could get up. I got right back in my chair and had like four people in chat all of the sudden giving excellent advice and the much needed support. I had contractions in the chair but no placenta, just blood. I started feeling hot and dizzy at one point and got on the floor with my legs on the bed while my husband talked for me. I can not believe that we were so grossly unprepared for a m/c like this, I just really had no time to refresh or prepare myself emotionally. I thank those ladies that talked me through it from the bottom of my heart, I needed you guys so much and you were right there. I was passing some clots and some placenta looking pieces so I finally gave up on it coming out all at once and cleaned up, put on a depends and took my baby and rejoined my children upstairs. My youngest was still asleep, I cried with my son and showed him the baby while I waited for my body to finish letting go. After a while my youngest woke up and Brian was feeding the kids, I'd had the baby (sac and all) put in a jar and into the fridge. I was cramping, and taking angelica every so often to help things along. I finally felt a burn through my cervix and I knew it was coming out. That feeling was accompanied by that urge to pee again. Brian helped me to the toilet and when I sat down and peed the placenta just kind of shot out. He retrieved it for me and I examined it and determined that there was more to come. I passed more while still looking at it and have passed more pieces since but that right there is pretty much the end of the birth. I went back out and held my baby and took more pictures and just kind of lay around in shock of what had just happened. Today we took more pictures and took turns holding the baby. He/she looked to have grown to 14-15weeks and everything was perfect except for a split in the back of the head and an opening on top, not sure how much of that was deterioration and how much was the cause of death.
I can not describe how much it hurts to look at your child's toes (no matter how small) and realize that you will never play 'this little piggy' or smell their stinky little feet, to look at their little butt and know that you will never smell that sweet newborn poop and wipe it off of their little squishy cheeks, to look at their eyes and know that they will never look at you. This was so so different from the blighted ovum, and I'm not minimizing how bad a b/o can be, it just wasn't that traumatic emotionally for me. With the last m/c I knew it was coming and I needed it, I felt an urgent feeling of wanting to end the pregnancy as soon as I found out about it. This one was so different because I felt my baby and I wanted with everything inside of me to keep it and protect it but I couldn't. I still don't think it has hit me yet, I've been crying about it randomly and crying as I type this but I feel that more is coming, a lot more. I wanted this baby so badly and now I am so mad at my body and so scared that it has forgotten how to actually make babies. But on the other hand I look at what my body has already made and I know that they are enough, if I never have another child they are enough. I look at them now and I'm just so grateful that their legs move and their eyes open, that they aren't sitting in box on my mantle as a tiny pile of ashes. I know that this needed to happen, and I know that it will get easier but dang, this hurts man.
His name was Benjamin.


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## SoCaliMommy

M/C #1 ~ I was 5wks when it happened passed naturally.

Missed M/C#1- M/C#2~ I went in for a first ultrasound at 10wks, dr measured baby at 6wk range somehow, 1 wk later at 11wks i started bleeding went to the ER they measured baby in the 8wk range, I ended up passing the baby at what would had been 13wks along naturally at home the tissue was a grey/white color, they did some testing just made sure it was passed intact which it was the microscopic testing they did showed nothing abnormal at all.









Missed M/C #2- M/C #3~ I went in for my first ultrasound at 7wk 3days and was told the baby measured 6wks, a week later i went for a follow up and was told there was a empty sac yet my beta # had risen since the week before. I then set up another follow up for 11/11. Oh yeah i was on 100mg progesterone and had been bleeding since i started taking it. 11/9 i started cramping and bleeding and passing huge clots and tissue that was tan in color, collected the tissue, went to the ER. In the ER i made sure to ask for chromosomal testing to be done on the tissue, well they accidentally put in it formalin as protocol when it should had been put in saline. I was told the pathology lab might still be able to salvage some tissue from it dispite that screw up. 11/11 i went to my appointment that the ER told me to keep and go to... well i found out there is still tissue there failed to tell me this. The dr measured the tissue to be 6wk1day and said she wasn't sure what the tissue was that i gave to the ER. It gets better thankfully the beta is dropping but she gave me a script to Cytotec. I will be taking it tonight and then tomorrow. She was kinda rude in saying she didn't think that if i save the tissue that they will be able to do any testing on it, i kinda doubt that it's still tissue. I should be around 10wks along.









I have also had a few chemical pregnancies between but none got far enough to confirm by a dr.


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## KristaDJ

I am not writing this one for me; this is for any other woman who may find herself in this unfortunate situation. If this seems to lack emotion please understand that the reason why is that I'm trying just to convey the facts and not go into depth about my feelings.

At 16w4d pregnant (yes that would be the exact same gestation that I had my last m/c) I woke up and knew that my baby was dead. It was an undeniable, unshakable feeling. When I stood up there was simply no baby in front of me anymore; her strong presence was suddenly, shockingly gone. I had measured 20cm the day before and had been measuring steadily the entire time, by that afternoon I was measuring 15cm and my firm uterus had gone soft. The next day when I got up my belly was almost entirely gone. I had been pretty big, looking about 6mo pregnant as I usually do that far along. That day I was able to bend over, I wasn't peeing all the time, I could get off the couch easily, my nipples got smaller and paled looking like they do when I'm not pregnant. I had no doubts that my baby was dead and yet for three days I incessantly checked my fundal height hoping for a change, I poked and shook my belly willing my baby to move and let me know she was okay. I was going insane knowing that I was going to face another loss and at the same time refusing to accept it. The next day I contacted a board member who lives close to me. She gave me the name of her midwife and I called and made an appointment for that afternoon. I felt such peace after that. I knew what was going to happen but somehow I needed it; I didn't want to let my baby go without a fight and this was all I could do. That sweet woman saw me on a Sunday and didn't charge me a thing. She looked for probably 10min with the doppler, longer than I would have, and when she finally gave up she held me and told me how she'd lost a baby around the same time.

I carried my baby inside me for exactly a month after that and I never checked my fundal height or tried to get her to move again; I had given up. Over that month I went totally insane. I do not say that lightly. I was usually unable to talk on the phone. I was unable to leave the house most of the time and usually broke down when I did. I was unable to care for myself of my children. Sometimes I just sat and drew while they watched movies all day long and then we all ate fast food when my husband came home. Sometimes I would hide from them and curl up somewhere and cry. Sometimes they would talk to me and I couldn't even look at them. I wondered if I'd invented the pregnancy. I had never tested after all, maybe I'd just made it up. I wondered if I had the baby and didn't know. I wondered if she could come back to life. I wondered if she would ever come out. I thought maybe I would be pregnant forever with a stone baby and always have people asking when I was due. I thought about killing myself. I thought about all kinds of things to just get her out of me; sometimes very violent things. I took most of my rage out on my husband; he was the only one there.

After three weeks I started trying to bring on labor. I used herbs at first with no results. Then I tried homepathics; still nothing. I had always thought that I would have her at night (and yes I knew without a doubt that it was a girl at this point) on the weekend so on friday I stopped everything and planned to try again the next day. Saturday morning I took the herbs and the homeopathics along with two doses of castor oil. I had no effects from the castor oil at all and nothing happened until 6pm. I'm not convinced that I induced labor; I think it was just ready to happen. It made me feel better to be proactive at that stage though and it wasn't hurting anything. At 6 I started having contractions that I realized were real. Shortly after I started spotting. The contractions continued with no blood for several hours. Around 11 the contractions stopped. I tried to check my cervix which had been high and closed tight that evening after my bath and I discovered that the sac was bulging just a couple of inches inside me. I had never felt that before but it was pretty unmistakable; it felt like a water balloon. At that point we laid our vinyl bed sheet and chux pads on the floor and I got over them and waited. I pushed a lot but nothing happened. I finally got tired of it and asked for a tissue; not because I needed to blow my nose but because I knew that would get it out. I blew and sure enough my water exploded out in a huge splash of dark red. I was very surprised that there was no baby and I thought, quite panicky, that there had never been a baby in me. I finally accepted that the baby had just not come out yet and that this was simply going to be more like a birth. Two hours after my water broke I went up to try to go to the bathroom; I knew enough about that urge to poop to take a bowl with me and put it under my vagina in case the baby came. Sure enough soon after I sat down I saw something coming out of me. It was teeny, tiny feet. I called for my husband as I did not want him to miss it. We squatted on the floor of the bathroom, took some pictures of our emerging baby (the only actual birth photos I have of any of my babies) and I pushed and pushed. When she did not come out I started to get worried. I had felt all along that she had the cord around her neck and I was scared that if I forced her out her head might come off. I was also afraid that her head was stuck in the cervix and that I could be bleeding quite a bit behind it. I felt like I should take come angelica but wasn't sure why it's said only to take it after the baby is out. I called a midwife friend who confirmed what I was thinking that I should take some angelica or some other stimulant to try to get her out. I walked, very weirdly, down the stairs back to our bedroom back over my chux. I took angelica and labor prep every 15 min and pushed with each contraction. I even tried blowing my nose. He little legs would come out up to the hip and then go back in when I stopped pushing. Finally during a contraction she just plopped out in a mess of blood without me pushing. This is where I know the placenta detached. For the next half hour I bled with each contraction; about a 7''x7'' area each time. The placenta finally came out when I tried to go to the bathroom again. My bleeding slowed way down after that and the contractions stopped entirely. I cleaned up in the tub, put on a huge pad with mesh panties and a hot pack and went to bed with my family around 4am.
We wrapped our baby in a blanket and put her in a small metal box in the fridge. Over the next two days I held her often, napped with her on my chest, touched her all over, examined every inch of her, measured her, took tons of pictures and studied her face and body burning her image into my brain. With my last baby I did everything robotically and I never looked at him like he was my baby. I made darn sure I didn't do that this time. I looked at her like she was my baby that I would never see again. I am glad I did that. 
The second day after the birth I cramped a bit and passed a small chunk of placenta. My bleeding stopped on day five. Now, almost ten days after the birth, I feel almost totally normal physically. My hormone shift has not been nearly as bad, as it was able to happen gradually over that month. I expect to ovulate this coming sunday...... like it never happened.


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## sagewinna

This thread was so valuable when I was going through my miscarriage a few weeks ago. Here is my story:

On November 14th the spotting I had off and on the whole pregnancy picked up and I called my midwife to ask for an ultrasound. I also had been feeling weird twinges in my cervix, it almost felt like the baby was moving but always in the same area. It was a twitchy feeling kind of, like when your eyelid is jumping around. I had a huge cry on DH's shoulder, all of the guilt and sadness at the reservation I felt about embracing the pregnancy came to the forefront and after a while i felt lighter and ready to face whatever came next.

On November 15th my cervix was shortened and I kind of knew what was happening. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby measured 6 1/2 weeks. I was 9 weeks 6 days. We lost our miracle and now we had to wait for the baby to leave us physically.

I had always thought miscarriage was like a heavy period, was a short process physically and not too painful if it was in the first trimester. This was not true for me at all! On Tuesday the 16th the bleeding started and the cramping felt like labor. All I could do was lay in bed or run for the bathroom to pass more clots and blood. It slowed down when I slept that night, then continued the next day, heavy and painful. I searched the toilet every time, hoping for a glimpse of something that was our baby, but it was just huge blood clots. The worst of it was every 10 minutes or so, a gush of blood and more clots to pass. It again slowed overnight. The whole time it was gushes/waves of bleeding, never steady bleeding. By Thursday I was exhausted and just bleeding like a heavy period. The midwife came, talked with me, tested me and found I was anemic, gave me some methergine to help get everything out as I could feel something stuck in my cervix.

The weekend came and the bleeding had slowed considerably but I wasn't done. Still cramping some, still had something stuck. Scott and I spent most of the weekend alone in bed, watching movies and crying, it was good for us.

Monday morning the cramping started again in earnest, and after laying down for a while I got up and passed a huge mass of tissue (about 3" long, 11/2" around and very solid, tapered on the end that was stuck) and knew that was what had been blocking my cervix. Tuesday morning I passed a smaller mass and then I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. Tuesday I was/would have been 11 weeks along.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats

So I know this thread is really old, but I'm so glad it's here. I wish I had found it earlier.

Edited- I wrote out the full story.

On Wednesday February 2nd, 2011, I went in for a regular ultrasound at 10w4d. I wasn't even supposed to have it- I asked for it because even though I was really excited about being pregnant and we'd tried for this baby, I wasn't feeling connected to this pregnancy and wanted to see the baby, so my midwife fudged some "left side pain" so I could get in. They couldn't see me for three weeks, though. I didn't mind since by then I figured we would be able to see the baby for sure. I have a tilted uterus so that makes it harder to hear the heartbeat with a doppler before 12 weeks or so.

I'd had no bleeding, no spotting, no cramping, nothing. I had morning sickness and my nipples were sore and I could smell everything- I felt much like I did with my first pregnancy. I told my daughter we were going to see Mommy's baby today, and we had a DVD to record it on and I'd told all my friends and family I was getting the ultrasound and I would post it on for them to see. I thought that I had made it to ten weeks, which is pretty safe miscarriage wise. Around 9 weeks I had started to let myself relax about losing the baby and I started to make lists of what I needed for a homebirth and plans for what I wanted. I started interviewing midwives and finally found one I liked.

My husband came to pick me up that afternoon and we got ready to go. I was wearing one of the new maternity shirts I'd ordered that had just arrived the day before. It was cute- navy with ruching on the side. It made me look more pregnant. I wasn't really showing yet, but there was a definite bump where my uterus was and I could feel it, and my mama pooch was bigger. If I stuck my gut out I looked pregnant, to me anyway.

When they started the ultrasound, she did an abdominal one first. I told her I had a tilted uterus and that I wanted a transvaginal one, but she wanted to do that one first. She could just barely make out the baby and didn't see a heartbeat, so she left the room to let me take my pants off. Even then, I wasn't worried. They'd had to do a t/v ultrasound with Gwen even at 12 weeks to see her properly. I told Mark not to worry, that I wasn't expecting her to be able to see it with the regular ultrasound.

She came back, and as soon as the picture came up, I knew something was wrong. My uterus was almost completely empty and it should have been full of baby and plcenta and I should have seen the heartbeat. The baby was just barely recognizable to me. I knew before she said anything, but she said, "There's the baby, but I'm not seeing a heartbeat." The way she acted, it's like she thought I was there because I expected something was wrong, but I wasn't. I was expecting to see my baby and she was really cold and seemed just focused on what she was doing. She started pushing the probe in more, trying to see if she could get a better look, and it hurt. She pushed way out to the side to look at my ovaries and I yelled that she was hurting me but she said she had to look. Okay, when you have something shoved up a woman's vagina and she says it hurts YOU STOP.

I asked how old the baby was and she said about five or six weeks. She left to go call my midwife and I asked to speak with her too. She said that maybe they could do bloodwork and I wasn't as far as along as I thought, but I knew I was. I'd gotten a positive pregnancy tests eight weeks ago- there was no way I was only five or six weeks.

Mark was stroking my hair and Gwen was just silent. I didn't start to cry for a while. I felt my lips go dry and my face burned. The first thing I thought was, "No, no, I didn't mean it! I wanted this baby, I WANT this baby!" We'd had some really hard times between when I first found out and was overjoyed, and then some financial realities hit us and I'd started to feel guilty about trying for another baby and not listening to my husband when he said we couldn't afford it right now. I'd even been thinking about abortion, right around 6-7 weeks- probably the same time it happened. I know that I didn't do this to my baby- that I didn't cause it- but I wonder if I was thinking about it and started to think about not having the baby and feeling like I wasn't connected in the right way with this pregnancy, not like I did with Gwen, was because my body already knew.

Mark left to go get his stuff -he works at the hospital- and tell his boss he was going home. I had my computer so I furiously told everyone online what was happening right away. I didn't have my power cord, though, and it died right in the middle of it. I started to feel panicky and short of breath. Gwen was worried about me- she kept trying to hug me and stroke my cheek. I finally started to cry when I was alone and I almost threw up. I FELT pregnant, I LOOKED pregnant. I thought I was fine- I hadn't been bleeding at all. My morning sickness wasn't as bad as it had been with Gwen, but I thought that I was just managing it better or it was because I wasn't trying to go completely off my meds yet. I hadn't been expecting this at all. This was supposed to be wonderful- the day I got Gwen's ultrasound was one of the best days of my life. I wanted to see my baby so much. I wanted to know there was a heartbeat and be able to really throw myself into preparing for everything. I mean, miscarriage had been on my mind ever since we started TTC. But I thought about it and decided to do everything I wanted anyway- I announced it to everyone, I made tickers and put them everywhere, I wrote all over my calendars how many weeks I was and started my baby registry and bought maternity clothes the minute my pants were too tight. I don't regret doing any of that. It was painful, yes, to tell everyone, and to take everything down and erase everything, and to put the clothes away- but it made the pregnancy real. To people besides me. I was pregnant. There was a baby. And we had lost her. It was real. And I needed the support of my family and my friends, so I'm glad I did all those things. I'm a ritualistic person- taking down the tickers and taking the pregnant communities off my friend's list and folding the shirts away- it helped me process things.

Mark made it back to the room, and he had tears in his eyes. We hugged each other tight, all of us, and tried to keep it together. The sonographer came back to tell me that my midwife wasn't available, but another one of the nurse-midwives, Sarah, was coming to talk to me. I knew Sarah and liked her, so that was okay with me. The sonographer seemed a little softer then- she told me she was sorry, she knew this wasn't easy, and brought some water and graham crackers for Gwen. I asked Mark to turn the ultrasound monitor off, because it upset me to see my name on there with 10w4d and the CRL measurement of 5w5d. I can't believe she left it on in the first place.

The midwife came and she was very, very sweet. She told me that she looked at the ultrasound and they were sure that this had been a missed miscarriage. The yolk sac had dried up and the baby had started to break down. She said that it could have happened anywhere from five to eight weeks. She asked what I wanted to do, and I told her I really didn't want a D&C. She said that was fine, and said that I could just go home and wait for it to happen, or I could take Cytotec. Either way, I should come in in two weeks to make sure everything was gone. I told her I'd had a prenatal scheduled in two weeks anyway, and she said that was fine, to just come to that. We talked a little bit about what this meant and why it happened. It was almost certainly a birth defect of some kind- it's likely the baby's heart just never started beating on its own. I wonder if my antidepressant had anything to do with it. It doubled the risk of miscarriage in one study, but I don't know if those were from hormonal or developmental issues. Either way, I'm going to be off it before we try again. I also drank more alcohol than I ever have in the cycle before I conceived, and even after I conceived I had a margarita. I know that my weaksauce rum and cokes and one Chili's margarita probably didn't do anything, but I still thought about it. And I'd taken some Xanax- hardly any at all but they're teratogenic.

When we got home, I was still in shock and denial. And I was very very happy to be there. We called in Thai food and Mark dropped me off at home and I went to get it. I immediately got back on my computer and called my friends. I don't even remember who I talked to first- just told them all the same thing, that there was no heartbeat and the baby had already died and I had to wait to miscarry. I posted to my LJ. That icon I used, _Vacio Vasija_, The Empty Vessel, I used to use it when I was feeling the baby rabies really bad and felt empty. But that was nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to seeing my womb look like that black, dark empty hole.

After Mark came back and I ate, I went to the naturals store to get some cohosh to try and start things up. I got a purple candle, for healing, and some Floradix for iron. When the clerk asked me how I was doing I couldn't look at him and just didn't say anything. I was grateful he was just some kid- anyone who knew anything about herbs would know what all of that meant- that I was miscarrying.

I talked to my friends Erica and Kristin the most. I was having some serious gallows humor. "Oh, you know, aside from the dead baby in my uterus, I'm fine." "HEY I COULD MILK THIS FOR ALL IT'S WORTH AND GET A PUPPY! Dead baby totally equals puppy!" I knew that brick wall was going to come crashing down and crush me but it wasn't yet and I wasn't going to do anything about it.

I sent Mark to the store and asked him to get my prescriptions. She'd written one for Vicodin and one for Cytotec just in case I changed my mind and wanted to fill it. I asked him to get that one too. I read a little bit about what the miscarriage would be like. There was a thread on MDC about what to expect. I got to one post about how the placenta and the baby might look like big clots, but they wouldn't break apart like regular clots. I felt nauseated and turned it off. I told myself that the baby was broken down and I wouldn't be able to tell, that I would just soak and wash my pads like I always do and pour it over the rosebushes like I always do and it wouldn't be any different.

I washed my new postpartum pads that I'd gotten, and got some of the old towels ready in case I bled a lot. The irony of getting ready for this, doing things I would have done for the birth, was not lost on me. '

Gwen asked to nurse, and I gladly let her. It felt good to nurse her. I was so glad she hadn't weaned all the way after all. I would have felt so sad if she had. I'll still keep weaning her, but I would have felt like I weaned her for nothing if she had stopped now. It already is hurting less.

I took some sleeping pills after my last dose of cohosh and fell asleep. I hadn't felt any cramps yet. I wasn't ready to miscarry yet. I wanted to keep my baby inside me, to hold her a little longer. I knew that the baby was dead- but if I started to bleed then it would really be over and I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. It was like waiting for labor to start in a way. And I'd spent eight weeks walking into the bathroom and taking a breath before I looked to see if there was any blood- and now I was waiting for some, hoping for some. I felt like a girl waiting to get her period again.

That morning, Thursday, I woke up and felt wrong. I'd forgotten to take my antidepressant so my head hurt. I took it right away and ate something. We got a hold of my dad and told him what happened. He was so sad- so sorry. He said he never even thought about this happening and he wanted to see the baby. The unspoken was that he wanted to see this baby before he got too sick. I asked him if he could come visit soon and he said he would. I told him some of the mechanics and that I wouldn't have to get a D&C and that probably this wouldn't happen again. He had to go because he had clients waiting, but told me to call if I needed anything. I cried when I told him.

We thought about going up to Mark's parents' place. His mother had had some miscarriages in the past, and Mark wanted to be with them. I didn't, in case I started to miscarry while I was there. I didn't want to do that in front of them. We tried to call them but no answer, so he left a message to call back.

Around one, I took the Cytotec. You're supposed to insert them vaginally. I was surprised at how soft my cervix was- probably from the cohosh. My fingers were covered in sticky white fluid.

I told Mark I'd done it and that it could take a while. He needed to go get some things from work, so I told him he could go. I started to cramp a little while after that, and started to get really, really cold- a side effect of the drugs. I put on warm pajamas and turned on the space heater and got into bed. Gwen was watching a movie so I just dozed until Mark got back. I listened to "Fly" by Celine Dion. I'd always listened to that song after a death- after my uncles died and after my pets died. I started to really cry for the first time. "I won't forget" is the line that really hit me.

I fell asleep for about four hours. The cramping started to really hurt and it woke me up. There was a tiny spot of blood on my pad. I went to the bathroom and all of a sudden it started gushing. I cleaned myself up and got back into bed and called Mark in. He rubbed my back, and sat behind me so I could lean against him. We both wept. I took two Vicodin- I didn't feel any particular need to be connected to this moment. I got a hot water bottle, and that helped. Once the Vicodin kicked in i didn't really feel anything. I got a hold of my brother and told him what happened.

We talked to Mark's mom. He tried to tell her and couldn't, so I did. We talked for a while- she told me about how some of her miscarriages. She told me she'd been so excited, she already got fabric for a baby qulit -she makes one for all the grandchildren- but she hadn't started to make it yet. I finally got a hold of my sister in law, Julie, and we talked for a long time. She'd had two miscarriages last year, so she knew what I was going through. I asked her what she told her kids and how we should tell Xander and Marquella. She told me that they just said something was wrong with the baby, and it couldn't grow right, so it couldn't be born. Her last one she was 13 weeks, so she had to go in for a D&C. When the got home, her second-youngest, Colby, asked where the baby was. We both started crying then.

I was still talking to her when I stood up and felt a gush of blood and realized I was soaking through my pad. I went to the bathroom, just expecting to have to change my pad, and I was still on the phone. I stopped replying, and she asked what was wrong, and I just said I had to go and hung up. I saw something big and pink and definitely not a clot. I screamed for Mark and he came in and I grabbed his arms and twisted my hands in his shirt and just screamed and screamed and screamed. I started to hyperventilate and he asked what he could do, and I said, "Xanax, get me two Xanax, red bottle white top." I swallowed them and then I started to sob. Gwen was in the room and she wanted to get closer to me, she kept saying, "Mom? MOM?" I told Mark that I had passed the baby, I didn't want her to see, and to take her out, and to get me some clean clothes, and I would come out when I was ready. I sat for a while with my hands over my face- I couldn't look. It felt like a long time before I did. I picked it up and it was still warm. I couldn't tell what anything was at the time. I think now that the pink sac was the placenta, and that the amniotic sac with the baby was what was inside. I didn't look very well. I'm not sure if I regret that or not. I started sobbing, "My baby, my baby." I don't think I believed that there had really been a baby in there until then. I was shaking like a leaf and it was a long time before I felt sturdy enough to stand up. I wrapped it up inside the pad, and just placed it with the rest in the cabinet under the sink.

I came outside and got some new clothes on and gave Gwen a hug. I told her I was sorry for scaring her. Mark and I held each other for a while. We both needed something to eat, so I told him to call in an order for Chili's. After he left, one of my local friends called me back and I told her I was having a miscarriage. She came over right away and sat with me and Gwen until Mark came back.

He got online and I realized he was reading my post. I told him not to, that it would make him sad, and he said he wanted to and started to cry. I went over to him and told him that it was okay, it would be okay, it was okay to cry. He told me, "I don't want to cry, I just want it to be OVER."

I told a few of my friends online what had happened. I ate my dinner, took two more Vicodin, and went to bed. I dreamed about my dog that had died last year, Annie, again. I told her to take good care of my baby for me now.

I kept thinking, because it all looked so&#8230; intact, if they were wrong and I'd effectively aborted my baby with the Cytotec. I kept telling myself that wasn't true but I kept wondering. I think I must have been closer to 8 weeks when the baby died- there's no way that was a 5 week old fetus. I took the wrapped up pad with the remains and put it in a ziploc and put it in the back of the fridge. I told Mark what I'd done and not to look.

When I woke up on Friday, I felt different. I got up to take a shower, and when I saw myself, I realized my belly was gone. I got in the shower, sat down, and just sobbed. Mark came in after a bit and opened the curtain to hold my hand. I squeezed it and then shut it again- I wanted to be alone. I felt&#8230; not quite ashamed, not quite embarassed, but just&#8230;. shy.

After I got out of the shower, me and Mark talked about what we wanted to do. We didn't think the ground would be soft enough for a burial, but the more I thought about it, the more that was what I wanted. I didn't want to let her go some place I wouldn't remember where she was. I wanted a place I could go back to, make offerings to. We both wanted to do it today but we weren't ready yet.

I said I was going out and I would be back soon. I wanted to get a memory box to put the pregnancy tests and some other things in. I printed out the lyrics to "Fly" by Celine Dion and my six week belly shot. That was the last one I took- 7, 8, 9, 10 weels, I just felt crappy and my hair was a mess and I didn't want to.

I went to Target but I couldn't find one I wanted. All of those boxes were too big. I started to drive home and saw a World Market, so I looked there. I found a pretty pink and gold box that was just the right size.

I got home, and my laptop had been returned. My first thought was, "Great, now I have to go through there and delete everything too."

I told Mark what I had gotten and I got something to eat. I asked him to set up the printer. He went out to get some new ink and archival paper.

When I printed out the song, I tried to grab it before he could read it but he asked to. I cringed and he was hurt. I had been trying to keep it from him, because I didn't want him to see, or make him sad. But he needed to be a part of this- we needed to do this together.

We talked some more about what to do and I said I wanted a burial. He went to go buy a better shovel.

I got the remains, and found some brown paper and some of the cotton string I use in my rituals. I locked myself in the bathroom and took them out of the ziploc. I wanted to unwrap the pad but it had frozen a bit and I didn't want to tear anything. I just wrapped the whole thing up in the paper and tightly tied it up with the string. Mark came back shortly after I was done. I told him I needed a minute, and I got all of my ritual oils out- Anthelion for healing, Middle Pillar for grounding, Veils and Mists for protection, Seal of Moses for binding, and Queen for power. I annointed the paper and the string at different cardinal points. When I was done, I put it on the windowsill, and found a wrecking bar. I brought her with me and started hacking at the ground, tearing up clods- I was surprised at how soft it was. Mark came out after a while and started digging with the shovel. We were both crying. After about two feet I stopped him, and told him it didn't need to be so deep. I took his hands and he went to his knees. He asked if I wanted to say a prayer and I said I couldn't. He asked if I wanted him to, and I nodded. He started, "Our dear Father in Heaven, we dedicate-" and then I had to stop him. I wasn't dedicating my baby to anyone or anything. She was mine. She would always be mine.

I placed her in the grave and started moving the dirt back with my hands. I needed to feel it. I needed to touch it. I pressed it down and Mark started to help. Once we were done, I moved two granite rocks over it, for a marker. I brushed off my hands, and went back inside to wash my hands- wash the dirt I'd buried my child in off my hands. I realized Mark hadn't come back in. He was standing at her grave crying. I watched him for a minute, and then went to him. He started to walk back, but I stopped him and said he didn't have to leave yet, we could stay for a little bit. We held each other and cried some more. I kept thinking about a little baby who wanted her mama and I couldn't hold her, couldn't nurse her, couldn't make it better the way that only I could. I named the baby Spring. The day she was born was Imbolc, one of the Celtic sabbats. It's the cross-quarter between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. It's a promise that spring is soon to come even if winter isn't over yet.

I felt better after that. I realized I didn't feel pregnant anymore. My belly didn't feel heavy. My abs didn't ache. I didn't feel nauseated. I couldn't smell things like I could before. It was a relief. I was worried that I would feel empty or sad- but I didn't. It felt good.

Mark read my post, and he asked if the belly shot came out okay. I asked if he wanted to see the box, and I got it for him. I'd put the tests in there and the song, and some of my special stones, and some of the hair I'd cut from both of us. He looked at it for a long time.

That night was the first night that felt normal. I felt like the hard parts were done- I'd passed the baby and we'd buried her and it was done. My bleeding was almost stopped and I wasn't in any more pain. One of my friends brought dinner over and we watched some standup on Netflix. I realized when I laughed now that my abs didn't pull apart as much.

I stayed up late that night reading miscarriage stories here. They helped. I wasn't the only one who couldn't wait for a natural miscarriage and used the Cytotec. I wasn't the only one whose baby had died weeks before. I wasn't the only one who screamed when she saw it. That's what inspired me to write all of this out- to write it like it was a birth story. Because it is.

Mark and I talked some more that night, until nearly three in the morning. We talked about the kids and trying to conceive and when we wanted to. We're not deciding anything right now. I feel like it would be good to have a normal cycle where I know I am not pregnant and not expecting to be pregnant and to just wait for my normal ovulation and normal bleeding and for it to be good and healing.

I needed this pregnancy. I needed this miscarriage. I always knew I would miscarry. When I thought about it, when my friends lost their babies, when I saw the word- I would get a chill down my back, like someone walked over my grave. I avoided the entire concept like something that burned even while I was anticipating it every day. But it brought some closure for me- from my pregnancy with Gwen, from my family's actions, from my fears about Mark not really wanting another child, my fears that I couldn't handle another baby. Those have been laid to rest now. And I'll be a better mother for that.

~Rose


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## Syriani369

Think I lost baby around 6w..it is now almost 8w and cant believe I have to wait to pass this baby while I just bleed and bleed and bleed


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## MomTo3Blessings

Like many of you, I too came and read through all these pages of stories while I waited to miscarry. I tried to type my story up once before but I couldnt make it through, I hope this time I can.

My first loss was very early, just a few days after getting a positive test. I started to bleed. A day or two later I had cramps that were like contractions. At one point (I think it was the middle of the night?) I went to the bathroom and felt a "pop!" and something fell into the toilet. I panicked and flushed it. Then I panicked that I flushed it - I flushed my baby! I was very surprised that I felt "labor" and that "pop" at only 4.5 weeks, I was not expecting that at all. I was sad but I got pregnant with my daughter the next cycle and knew it was meant to be. There was no real grieving period beyond that first month.

This time was different. I have 4 living children who, at the time of my miscarriage last August (2010), were 7, 6, 4 and almost 2. I was sick but not as sick as I usually was. My uterus was growing and I could tell, I had symptoms but they were mild. I knew deep down that something was wrong. I mentioned being nervous to more than one friend. I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid and I should be thankful I wasnt super sick.

We had decided on a homebirth. I was 9.5 weeks and on Thursday I called and let the midwife know that we wanted to use her ~ she had graciously and kindly offered to do our birth for what we could afford. I was so excited about that (since we couldnt even come close to paying her normal fee). But I decided to make an appt with an OB for an early ultrasound and I went in that same day. I couldnt relax until I knew everything was ok. It was weird being there and waiting .... Im so thankful the Lord prepared my heart. I really did know even though I didnt completely know that I knew. It was strange, kind of surreal. When the u/s image came up on the screen there was a sac, but it was empty. The baby had never developed past a few weeks. (this is so hard to write about even 6 months later). I decided I wanted to wait for the miscarriage to occur naturally. They did blood draws and waiting for the hcg results over the next few weeks was agonizing, my life revolved around those calls from teh nurse. The levels were dropping so I knew it was real. I had another u/s to confirm and the Dr encouraged me to get the D&C, but I didnt want to. I wanted to wait. I wanted to keep my baby inside of me - its just how I felt. Even though there wasnt a baby we could see, I knew there had been ("blighted ovum" was the diagnosis) and any life, is life to us.

I believe it was about 2 weeks later when something finally started happening. Id been taking a lot of Maca (regulates hormones) and RRL capsules and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was ready now. I was out with friends for a homeschool planning session and we were laughing constantly. I had felt "weird" that day so I had a pad on. Suddenly with one of my laughs came a gush of blood. It happened every time I laughed. I finally decided that it was too much and headed home. The whole way home I felt like something was going to come out. I literally shuffled in the house, knees together, trying to get to the toilet as fast as I could. When I sat down there was a HUGE gush. The toilet looked like it was full of blood. It was very clotty and it was way too messy - I wasnt going to check it out so I flushed. It didnt feel like one big thing that came, but lot of clots and blood. That feeling of needing to pee, like something was coming came every 20-45 mins or so. Id get to the toilet and there'd be a huge bloody, clotty gush and then Id lay down again. There was no bleeding inbetween. I never even had blood in my pad again. I laid in bed, listened to music, called friends who had gone through m/cs too and prayed. I felt very, very peaceful.

After several hours I decided to clean up. I got in the tub and ran some very warm water. This was a mistake. I was kind of crampy and it felt soooooo good so I let it fill up a little bit. Suddenly I felt awful, hot, nauseous and I started to pass blood and clots. I got out and couldnt even get my clothes on, I was dizzy and felt like Id pass out. I sat on the toilet and called the midwife and she said it was from the hot bath and to cool down and call her back. I cooled down and definitely felt better. I laid down with a fan (it was Aug in TX so that never hurts anyways) and drank some water. When that feeling of needing to pee came back I went to the toilet in our bathroom. I passed a lot of blood and clots again and felt horrible, dizzy, etc. I called my husband. I dont remember all the details but I remember panicking and telling him I was going to pass out. It was like falling in a black hole. I was sitting on the toilet and he was holding my shoulders - and I passed out. When I woke up I felt weak and dizzy. I told him to call 911 and I splashed water on my face. I was scared of it happening again.

The paramedics came quickly and I was weak but managed to get some clothes on. I was pale and shaking all over. They wanted to take me in. I asked if someone else could drive me because we had JUST paid off our bill from when my son was taken in (seizure). The lady was so kind and compassionate and really recommended I go with them. I refused the IV and anything extra that would cost more (she said it was ok to wait). I was dreading that feeling coming when I couldnt get to a bathroom and didnt want to bleed all over - I knew no pad could handle it. As soon as they wheeled me in I had it and went to the bathroom and more blood came. I was very shaky and weak.

From there things didnt go well. I had a jerk of a Dr who was abusive in his examination and his treatment of me. The nurses were also rude and lacking compassion. I continued to bleed massive amounts and nearly pass out over and over. I was on fluids, head below my feet, blood pressure was low. It was awful. An u/s tech came in and there was still a lot of blood/matter to pass but even as he was doing the u/s he could see it moving down towards my cervix. I began to get that feeling and I could hardly wait for him to leave - I didnt want to freak out the poor 20yr old single guy you know? That time I passed some big amount of tissue, it felt like the size of a head coming out of me. My poor best friend was in the room for all of this - traumatizing for her too, to say the least.

Thankfully my sweet female OB was on call. She came in and they took me to the OR. They were deciding on the D&C but they already knew I needed a blood transfusion. I was in and out of awareness and very scared. The rude Dr from before was kind enough though to assure me I wouldnt die. For the first time I had painful contractions and they gave me something for pain. It made me loopy and "drunk" and I was cracking jokes and making my friends laugh. But the serious thing was I really, really didnt want a D&C. My friends were praying and I was praying and I believe God moved in that room. I had another very large passing of clots/matter/I dont know (I think it was my placenta) and asked my OB for one more u/s before they did the D&C. I felt done. It was strange but I knew I was. He came and sure enough said everything he'd seen before was gone. I stopped gushing but I was in dire need of blood.

She ended up ordering 3 units of blood (that is apparently a lot). My OB and my sweet friends stayed with me until I got it. For some reason it took a long time to get it and they were all worried. I barely remember that time, I was kind of in and out of consciousness. They finally gave me something and I slept. When I woke up the next morning I was in a post-partum room and hooked up to the blood transfusion IV, still getting blood. I felt better. I had barely any bleeding at all.

i was in the hospital a few days. We had to cancel my sons 2yr old bday party and I came home on our 10yr anniversary. My birthday was also that week - needless to say none of it got celebrated.

I suffered badly from PPD. I was very, very depressed. A month later I started to bleed and pass clots ..... I had retained placenta. I ended up with a D&C anyways. But thankfully that helped A LOT with the hormones - the reason I was so messed up was because my body was still confused. My uterus was still large, I still looked/felt pregnant and finally I knew why.

Its been a hard road of healing. I have complete peace about the baby not making it - I believe she is with Jesus and perfect and happy and with my other baby too. We named her Faith. What has been harder is dealing with the "how" it happened and "why". I can say though that Ive had some sweet, sweet healing moments that came directly from God. My due date was about 2 weeks ago, on Feb 24th. Im a doula, only for friends, and I usually attend a few births a year. But Im about to attend my fourth (!) birth all within a month of my due date. Its been hard but so incredibly healing to be there for the births of these babies when it was so hard to see their mama's big bellies over the last few months. Facing the pain and choosing to serve and be part of their births has been so good for me. Just a few days ago I was on the phone with sweet mama all the way in Indonesia who is going through the same thing and I was able to talk with her and encourage her. I know God will use it for good.

Im still trying to lose the weight and get healthy and feel like "me" again. We are moving closer and closer to once again being open to another little life inside.

If anyone ever needs to talk, please feel free to PM me or email me at Chewymama"at"gmail"dot"com


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## KristaDJ

Thank you for sharing that, mama.


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## JenV

I have had a hard time deciding to post this or not as I haven't shared this with some of my family or closest friends, but I know that this forum is the main reason I was able to handle the physical aspect of my miscarriage and I want to provide insight to other women who were searching just like I was. So here is my story:

My husband and I got married in September. We found out we were pregnant in the beginning of November and due on July 19th. It was a surprise as we were not TTC using natural family planning but we were very excited as both of my sister-in-laws were pregnant too, and it was like it was meant to be.

At my first ultra sound at 7 1/2 weeks, I heard the heart beat but it was 105 bmp, my doctor said "i would have been concerned BUT your baby is measuring at 6 weeks , so its normal." I instantly thought hmmm well I guess it makes sense since we were not trying maybe I ovulated on a different day when we weren't being careful. However, that statement stuck with me and I was very concerned.

The next week I began to get horrible morning sickness throwing up 2-4 times throughout the day. I found this to be a good sign. Weeks went by and I was feeling more confident about our pregnancy because of my normal pregnancy symptoms and no signs of miscarriage (no cramps or spotting at all). Around 9 1/2 -10 weeks the symptoms started to wear off but I thought it was because I was almost in the 2nd trimester.

I went to the doctor at 11 1/2 weeks LMP on december 30th. I can remember texting my husband and saying "if this appointment goes well, we can tell everybody for new years!" I was so ready to hear the heartbeat and give myself a peace of mind. My doctor tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler. "you are thin so we can probably hear it" When she found nothing I knew. I reminded her that the heart rate was low and she changed the baby's due date so she said why don't we go for an ultra sound to make sure. We did an abdominal ultrasound first and I could barely see anything. My eyes never left the screen because I knew. Then they asked me to do a vaginal ultra sound. I could make out more of a figure for the baby but no heartbeat. She then told me the baby does not have a heartbeat and it is measuring at 8 1/2 weeks. The rest of the conversation was mostly about her explaining what a D&C is but that I could choose to do it naturally, either way.

The pain is still so much there even now. My husband and I just embraced each other in tears when I arrived home. We both were so numb. I remember we watched a movie later that evening to just escape the pain for a little while. Although my husband was also grieving and so sweet during the whole process, I completely retreated to my computer researching D&C vs Natural miscarriage to make an informed decision. I choose to do it naturally. I began to regret it because I went back to work for the next week and I was really getting depressed with no symptoms showing up at all and just waiting every time I go to the bathroom to see something. I was sincerely depressed.

on the 6th I noticed a little brownish discharge when I wiped, still no cramping. It was so slight but I was desperately looking. It wasn't until the 8th, a Saturday, that I had red blood. That day was more like a regular period. Sunday I began to cramp throughout the day. I stayed in bed on my computer all day (not because of pain). I found this forum and spent the entire day reading each and every entry preparing myself. It was the most helpful thing I found.

Around 6 o clock Sunday the cramps started getting pretty regular and kinda bad but I have a high tolerance for pain. I had more "bad period day" bleeding as well. I went to bed at 12:30 am still reading and reading online. I put a towel on top of our sheets. I guess I just knew. Monday would make 13 weeks LMP. I knew from reading this blog it was going to be rough.

Warning: the next part is graphic.

At 3:15ish I woke up with blood gushing. I went to our bathroom, sat on the toilet, and began to go into shock. I felt myself about to lose consciousness and then I look down (I had no contacts in) and see our baby on my pad. I could only make out the different colored mass because I had no glasses on. I was expecting to pass the baby through a large clot so I was so shocked. I looked closer and I mumbled oh no! a moment I will never forget in my life. and I lowered myself to the floor to try to stay conscious. I was going into shock and unable to speak to wake my husband so I tried to slam a drawer to wake him as I was laying on the floor. I slid open the sliding door from the bathroom to our bedroom and he came to my rescue. I tried to talk to him but I was losing it and I vomited on the floor a few times. He immediately got a big fan and an ice pack. I felt better after a few minutes and asked my husband to help me lay in the tub. He got a pillow for me and I was ok laying down. There was blood everywhere. I was definitely hemorrhaging and having full blown contractions every couple of minutes lasting about a minute. looking back, we should have went to the hospital at this point. I still did not pass any clots. I began to feel like I could sit up again and I looked at our baby closely. Our baby was about an inch long, maybe longer. I counted his fingers and was so amazed my husband and I created this little angel. I know God did that for me because I really wanted to see our baby and feel like it was real. My baby's image will always be etched in my mind and I am thankful for that moment.

After about 45 minutes, I felt like I could go back to bed. I immediately fell asleep

15 minutes later I woke up went back to the bathroom and passed a HUGE clot. Passing the large clot did not hurt. It was like it just fell out really. I was not prepared for the size of it even after all the reading I have done. It was an inch thick mass and approximately 5" x 3". I was expecting more of a golfball size. Much bigger! ...I went back to bed.

15 minutes later again I felt gushing blood again. I got up fast and felt myself fainting as I sat on the toilet. More clots but not as large. This time I let out a faint call to my husband and he grabbed me in the nick of time. I really felt my body shutting down. I barely made it to the bed. I felt like I was literally dying, so I reached up and could not feel my carotid pulse. After a minute I began to feel it. I thought maybe we should go to the hospital? But I was so weak once I felt like I wasn't in danger of losing consciousness anymore I just fell asleep.

Then the contractions continued every few minutes and I was in the worst pain. I would drift to sleep and wake up and slowly kick my legs to ease the pain. My husband helped me to the bathroom every hour to change my soaked pad. My contractions and pain went away around noon. I was so weak the entire day. I could barely walk to the bathroom without help.

Tuesday I felt much better and the bleeding had significantly decreased to light period blood. My husband stayed home again to make sure I was ok. I thought I was done with the hard part and I was really.

Wednesday I told my hubby to head to work I would be fine at home alone. Around lunch time I felt a cramp again suddenly. I went to the bathroom and passed an equally large mass as my first one. but it was very different. I know it was the placenta. It was smooth and purpleish gray on one side. I bled lightly for the next week 1/2 (2 weeks bleeding total).

I had an ultra sound the following Thursday which confirmed I passed everything. I was so thankful.

I honestly think I could have died from the hemorrhaging but I am glad that I had my husband with me and a private, personal experience vs. a hospital. I do realize that it was very dangerous so I would advise to watch the level of bleeding.

My good news is that on the 12 of february I started my period just a little over a month after the miscarriage. I again was so thankful that I did not have to struggle with waiting for AF, as I know so many women do after their miscarriage.

Now I struggle everyday with should I TTC or wait? What went wrong? Could I have done something? etc. I do feel like I am healing but I have moments in every day that I feel extremely sad.

I really want to thank each of you who posted on this forum. You all touched my heart and eased the physical and even emotional pain of this experience.

My love and prayers to you all.


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## Syriani369

Thought I would add my experience here. It wasnt nearly as bad as I thought it would be(thank god)...I was really really depressed and I sat on here and read through every story as others did.

The pregnancy was a surprise and to be honest I was a little worried about how I would make ends meet, I have a two and a half year old and already things are tight. But nonetheless I was getting really excited and also excited about healing my last birth and doing this one right. (my last birth was with a midwife in a birthing center. She was a posterior 9 and a half pound, shoulder distocia and with a lip of cervix that kept slipping over her head. Her heartbeat was going down and up and I had to push against the lip of cervix because she had to get out now...after a 36 hour painful labor)

Anyway I had an odd feeling about this pregnancy and was feeling really guilty about it, I thought maybe I wasnt connecting with it because I was worried about multiple things. It never seemed real. About three days before my '6wk' mark I had a little bit of brown discharge in my underwear. It worried me because I never had that before, but since it never developed into anything else that night I wasnt worried. The day I turned 6 weeks I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom. I had a silver dollar size of fresh, bright red blood in my underwear. I knew at that point things werent right. I had an appointment with a midwife in a few days and called her. She said to watch and see if more blood and cramping came. That night I had about the same amount of blood. The next day in the evening I had more blood. And the day after that I bleed pretty much all day. For about four weeks straight I bled and bled and bled...and passed small clots.I had a little bit of cramps and but just dealt with it like I dealt with my labor cramps...they really werent so bad. I was so shocked I would actually have to pass my little baby, and see the poor little thing that never grew. I was preparing myself to see my baby. I wasnt sure I wanted to see it but I knew I didnt want someone sucking it out of me, it was MY baby anyhow. Well, as of today...which is about 5 weeks ago since I started to bleed...I havent passed anything but blood, and I havent bled in a week, I think its done....and I am thankful my experience was mild. I thought I needed to write this because I wanted other women to know, sometimes it just isnt as traumatic as others. I took a two pregnancy tests, one yesterday and one this morning, Both negative..so I am thinking that since the pregnancy hormone left so quick out of my system I must have lost the baby pretty early on. I didnt have any prenatal care..because I started to lose the baby before my first appointment, the midwived suggested I just let it pass naturally and that was my choice as well. I have been feeling pretty crappy...not wanting to eat, having bad headaches, general feeling of crappiness.

Anyway...I am so sorry for those women going through this, it is very very hard...you feel like a failure..somehow you failed your baby, somehow maybe you didnt want the baby enough? Or maybe you didnt deserve this baby? I am still feeling some of it...


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## mamabutterfly

My m/c at almost 7 weeks.

This thread was so helpful to me during the past couple of weeks; I'm also grateful to everyone who shared her story. I found I was looking for other stories of very early losses, so i thought I would share mine.

This was my third pregnancy but 1st miscarriage. I think i had been waiting for symptoms to start after 5 weeks, because I had major morning sickness & fatigue with the others. The weekend I should have been 6 weeks I work up with a feeling that something was wrong. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but the symptoms I had been having were gone. I was less tired, it hurt less to nurse, the sensitivities to taste/smell were less, and I just didn't "feel" pregnant. I tried to tell myself it was silly, but over the day I felt a growing sense of dread.

The next morning, Sunday, I woke to a small bit of spotting. My heart sunk. I would have told myself that light spotting wasn't a cause for panic except that it followed the previous day. I think from that point I knew, but I had to go through a painful 6 days of wondering and waiting and going through the steps. First a call to the midwife. Then an appt for the following day. The HCg levels, two days apart, and results from those finally back on Thursday. We weren't doing an ultrasound yet because at 6 weeks you may or may not see a heartbeat even if things are progressing normally, so we agreed to wait until closer to 7 weeks for that.

The blood test results were unsettling; the first level was on the very low end of the normal range (1547 at 6 weeks), which could still be okay if they were doubling. I had had no other spotting, bleeding, or cramping. This seemed like a hopeful sign. During these days, going through the motions (kids, work, home) was excruciating - for me harder than the next week would be.

The second blood test showed a very slight rise. This doesn't usually indicate a viable pregnancy. However it can mean an ectopic. So I was supposed to get in for an ultrasound, and for half a day I couldn't get the midwives to schedule one; it was maddening. Spending that day and night thinking I was facing an ectopic pregnancy was so terrifying.

Finally on Friday dh & I went for the ultrasound. I began to have more spotting that day. I was shaking uncontrollably in the u/s and was convinced it was ectopic and was praying it wouldn't rupture... So when the u/s tech showed me she saw a sac inside my uterus, it was such a relief. Unlike others, I wasn't expecting by that point to see a heartbeat. To be able to see that there was a sac, measuring 5 weeks, gave me the answer that I needed to finally hear. It was helpful for me to confirm it and just turn to face what was going to happen next.

This next part, I feel now, was kind of a blessing. After reading of how others waited or had to decide whether to do a procedure, I am amazed how fortunate I was in a way to start bleeding shortly after the u/s was done. I was cramping by the evening, and had bleeding that night.

In the morning it turned to heavy bleeding, heavier than a regular period. For me it was only on the toilet though, I only bled a little onto pads. It came together with the cramping and I could go to the toilet when I felt like I would be bleeding. Having gone through labor twice was helpful with the discomfort of that morning. It was moderately painful, worse than period cramps a little but not like labor contractions. I took Tylenol, figuring why not. I also used my heating pads from my doula bag, told dh how I wanted my back rubbed, and took a hot bath and later a shower.

That morning I passed several clots the size of a walnut or egg. I saved one piece of something for planting outside with a new bush this spring, but honestly I don't know that I felt like I knew what was what. I think since the sac was 5 weeks, I didn't expect to see/recognize much and didn't try that hard to.

The next day was odd. The cramping and bleeding were lighter and I felt like, "Is this it?" And friend helped me make plans to take off work for a few days but I wasn't sure if I was just done anyway. I'm glad I was home because after I got the girls to school I did have another round of painful cramping and some larger clots.

After that I felt so much better, physically. My bleeding continued, like a moderate and then a light period, for the rest of the week. Now it is 10 days after the first day of bleeding and I'm have no more spotting.

Emotionally it's another story but that's my experience of the physical side of things.


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## engineer_mom

I am so grateful for this thread. I've been lurking in this forum for about two weeks, reading everyone's experiences and thoughts. Many of the stories really hit home with me. So many tales express the emotional and spiritual aspects of miscarriage. Just hearing the stories helps me move forward, just knowing that so many strong women have recovered emotionally. I never knew how hard this would be and am forever changed by it. I'm looking at people in a new light. And I hope none of my coworkers/friends were ever hurt by my casual questions/comments about how they should have more kids.

Here is my story. It's more of a nightmare that I almost wish to forget.

I found out I was pregnant with our fourth and quickly got excited. My husband told ALL of our close friends and his coworkers (except for my parents, one of my sisters, ) - he really can't keep secrets. The pregnancy felt "normal" to me and was tired/nauseous/emotional/avoiding smells.

I went in for a dating ultrasound at 8 weeks (according to my LMP - but I knew I'd be 2 weeks off). The ultrasound showed a sac and a yolk but no baby or heartbeat. They thought I was a smidge over 6 weeks. The doctor didn't explain much to us at the ultrasound and didn't show us the screen. My dates could have been off since I was nurisng, so we kept using that excuse. But I never got an u/s picture, the Dr acted weird (but this was our first time with her) and the office acted nervous/scared when I asked them to send the info over to my HB midwife. They wanted a followup u/s in two weeks. During that long two weeks, I convinced myself everything was fine. Sure I could nurse without pain, but I was still tired and nauseous.

The second u/s still showed only a yolk and a 8 wk sac. They estimated the baby probably ended at 4/5 weeks. I left crying and unable to talk to anyone. That evening the Dr called and said that the u/s machine was new and they had some issues with other people's u/s and she wanted to make sure that she gave us the correct diagnosis. I tried not to get my hopes up and rushed over there. But the second and third u/s showed the same results as that morning. The first week of waiting was the worst. I cried and was depressed. After a week, I hit a numb spot and my tiredness/nausea disappeared so waiting wasn't so bad.

The bleeding started at two weeks after the final diagnosis. At ~10.5 weeks. In the evening on Friday I had a rush of red/dark red blood. I put a pad on and had another rush. It didn't even halfway soak the pad. But the bleeding stopped within the hour. I was super emotional (ie crazzzy) that day and kept yelling at my kids for stupid things. I typically get like that right before my period, so there must have been a surge of hormones or something that day.

Saturday I woke up and went about my day. Cramps began around 11 am. They weren't bad, but they were stronger then menstral cramps had more of a pattern to them. They didn't make me stop moving/talking but they were pretty intense. I ended up going out with my mom because I already agreed to it and she still didn't know what was going on. I didn't want to tell her. The cramps continued to intensify and by 2pm they felt like early labor. By 3 I was tempted to stop the car and ask my mom to drive. I needed to breath through the cramps and not talk. They were coming ever couple of minutes and lasting 30 seconds. Somehow I made it home, inside, and got two kids settled in front of the TV without letting on that I was in pain. My mom ended up leaving (thank goodness) and I immediately went to the bathroom. The cramps were definitely on the level of labor but they weren't all consuming like hard labor. There hadn't been any bleeding all day but as soon as I sat down there was a rush of blood and clots. I called my husband telling him what was going on. I wanted him home but figured I could last the 1.5 hr before he was due to leave work. I wanted to make sure he would actually leave at closing time (he typically can't if he is in the middle of a sale). Quickly after I had to go to the bathroom again. I just felt like I had to. I had been reading this thread and figured I'd see a sac and placenta so I had placed a colander in the toilet. The amount of blood and clots did alarm me. I didn't know how much was OK, but it was just disgusting and seemed like a lot. After a few more trips to the bathroom within the next 10/15 minutes, I called my husband back and asked if he was leaving. He said no as he was in the middle of two sales (it was still 1.25 hrs till closing). I told him I needed him home and he needed to tell his work he was leaving. I couldn't watch my youngest and I wanted him home to watch me. He came home and I stayed in the bathroom with rushes of clots coming every 10 minutes or so. The cramps were coming every 3 to 5 minutes. After maybe 30 minutes I went back in the living room. I quickly realized that was a mistake as my pad couldn't handle the clots (and it was super gross to have it land in the pad). But I did think walking around was encouraging the blood/clots to pass, so I would do little walks and run back to the bathroom.

I continued to have gushes of large clots every 15 minutes but the cramps subsided. By ~7pm I was just getting a twinge of a cramp that would tell me I needed to go to the bathroom to let the clots come out. By that time I wasn't feeling the best and just wanted to lay down. When I got up I would feel nauseous. I was getting nervous because the bleeding wasn't slowing and it seemed like a lot. Every time I went, I think I was losing at east a 1/2 cup of clots/fluid. Maybe even a cup. I wasn't quite dizzy but my head was feeling funny. I had not called the dr yet, even though I was supposed to. I started thinking I needed to ask someone how long it was OK for this to continue. At 9pm we finally called. He basically said to take 2 ibupropen to slow the bleeding and since i wanted to stay home that we'd reevaluate in the morning. Shortly afterward, there was no mistaking my feelings...I was lightheaded and felt like I was going to pass out. It wasn't a huge problem just an inconvience and I tried to stay laying down as long as I could between clots. The clots did appear to be getting smaller (now maybe 1/2 inches in diameter as opposed to looking like a fat man's thumb or cracker size) but the amount of bleeding wasn't slowing and I was getting scared. But I still didn't want to have someone watch my kids and to go to the ER for nothing. But then I couldn't even sit up. Which was a problem as I needed to get on the toilet ever 15 minutes. I couldn't stomach sitting on a chux pad with this mess. I couldn't get off the bathroom floor and just kept saying how I felt so sick. I basically felt fine if I was laying down but as soon as I sat up my ears would ring, I would see stars/darkening, my head would get cloudy, and I felt so sick until I laid back down for a minute. My husband called my sister to come over (bless her...she has a 4 week old baby and all my kids ended up waking up crying that night). We couldn't get a hold of the Dr and left a message saying we were leaving for the ER. I went to the bathroom one last time (keeping my head between my legs) and only half the amount of clots came out. This made me second guess the ER trip, but we already had my sister coming over.

We left for the hospital but I couldn't walk a few steps without resting and putting my head on the ground. My husband let me lean on him and we "ran" for the car. I laid down in the back of our van for the ride. I felt fine as long as I was laying down. I managed to walk halfway across the parking lot before having my husband get me a wheelchair. I felt better in the hospital and could actually keep my head above my waist without feeling dizzy. My blood pressure was low and my pulse was high. They hoped that IV fluids would help and I was just dehydrated. After an hour, they didn't change. But my bleeding was definitely less. I had no passing of clots since being home and the cramps were back at the menstrual level and very infrequent. During their exam, they said I was still actively bleeding (duh, I could have told you that) and he put a puny piece of gauze in me (???). After a bit they came in to discuss a D&C. Which at that time I was fine with. I didn't see any sac/placenta in my clots and was afraid I would still bleed for awhile. My husband didn't know much about D&C and tried to get the nurse/resident to tell him if it was really needed. They obviously pushed for the D&C. But all other options/details were skimmed over. The Dr was on his way over (I think he was at a restaunt or some when I talked to him) and they started prepping to move me. It was 1am at this point. I so didn't want it to end like this but I do believe this was best. I did wonder if I could just wait it out since I wasn't bleeding much. But I kept reminding myself of how I couldn't get off the bathroom floor at home or walk into the hospital. It was all surreal moving down the the OR and prepping for surgery. I was praying for the oxeygyn to be gas so I could just pass out. Amazingly I felt fine when I woke up. My arm were the IV was bugged me but nothing else. No cramps, no bleeding, no sore parts. I actually felt like I wanted sex (totally weird and unfortunately it sounds like I made mention of how I really wanted to have sex during my drugged stupor over and over again - ugh). They released me at 3am and I went home.

Eventually fell asleep for 2 hours and woke up feeling amazing good. Just emotionally numb, had a sore arm, and felt super tired/slightly dizzy. I couldn't stand for longer than 30 seconds so I just sat there for the better part of the morning. I had been planning on having a birthday dinner for my youngest that day. My mom at this point knew we went to the ER and wanted to take our kids for the day. We ended up going over her house for a dinner instead and my sister went also. It was a actually nice to spend the day with family. By the end of it I could walk around for a minute or so.

Today is Monday. The kids went to daycare and I stayed home to rest. My job isn't demanding but I don't feel ready to pretend to be normal.

I still feel numb but I do get sad when I think of it all and don't want to tear up at my desk. My bleeding is almost nonexistent. And I'm only complaining about feeling sore (arm, throat from breathing tube, and neck/back??)

I am trying not to dwell on the future that won't be. Or how my heart has been broken.

I have three amazing kids and they make me smile everyday.

The silver lining is that this might have brought me and my husband a bit closer together (the last couple years have been rough on our relationship). And we know that we WANT more children.


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## lsalvi02

Hi, my name is Laura. I am 28. This was my first pregnancy. It was not planned. I had a miscarriage on March 18th. This is my story..

I went to Vienna, Austria on March 3 to be with my college roommate to support her while she received alternative treatment for Stage IV Lung Cancer. It sounds depressing, but she feels good, the treatments were going to be better than Chemo, and we would make the best of it (her twin sister was going too). I had a feeling I was pregnant before I left and had taken some tests. I remember one that i took, went back later and thought I saw a line, but figured I was just seeing things. The 3rd day into our trip I just knew. I thought back to when did I last get my period? I remembered that I had messed up on my Birth Control and had been waiting to get my period to start a new pack, but since when? I remember thinking on Valentines day I could be pregnant and now it was 3 weeks later!! I then looked at my B/C pack which showed I bought it December 23....my last period!! I bought 3 different tests (all in German) and started peeing. Each one had a faint line, but none were obvious....my friends and i just looked at them puzzled. Over the next few day (and 8 tests later) it was clear...I was pregnant! Unfortunately the father and I had just gotten into a big fight and broke up before i left. We have had a very unhealthy relationship in many ways. I emailed him and his response was cold and harsh....simply "I will pay for the abortion". He then attacked me for not seeing a Dr. right away and said he hoped the baby died in my polluted womb! I felt so alone and confused. I decided I would pay the $300 Euro to see a Doctor because I needed to know for sure! I wondered how far I was, would I keep it, how could I raise a child, was it healthy etc.... He did a transvaginal untrasound which showed a small black dot. I was crying and he asked why and I said I wasn't sure if I was going to keep it or not. He stated that he thought I must be @ 3 weeks, but that didn't make sense because by now I had been in Vienna for 2 weeks and not haven't had sex in 4. He said "Well, it looks early, but perhaps it is destroying itself already"....as if to make me feel better over my reaction! It didn't! I had my friends telling me I should have an abortion because I had an asshole as the dad, no job, etc.... I was very confused and I remember thinking "If I miscarry then I wont have to decide." (I WILL REGRET THAT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE) I am Pro-choice, I just don't think I could have done it. Each day I felt more maternal. I have always wanted children and thought this may be a blessing.

The day before I was leaving I started to spot. Light pinkish...not bad cramps. Throughout the day it increased, but still clearish and not dark. That night it turned red...bright red! I called the Dr. who said I could go to the Hospital or just wait. I called my Dr. at home and spoke with a Nurse who said as long as the bleeding wasn't too heavy I could fly. I just wanted to get home so I went to bed and woke up for my early flight. I was having really bad cramps....and awful back pain. I got on the flight and everything got worse! I was in a lot of pain! I was all by myself (my friends stayed longer to continue treatment) on a 10 1/2 hour flight from Vienna to Toronto, then Toronto to Boston. About 3-4 hours into the flight and 4 trips to the bathroom (always filling the pad with blood) I was sitting and had a super bad cramp and felt this thing come out. I went into the bathroom and in my underwear was this red/purplish slug tadpole like thing. I put it on a piece of papertowel. I could handle it and not get blood on me, it was definitely not just a clot. It was about the size of my ring finger if you cut it in half....say 1/2'' by 2.5". I took the wrapper off of one of those mini soaps and put it inside. I was shaking, I was scared, I was in shock. I was still bleeding. I came out and went to a flight attendant crying and told her I believe I am having a miscarriage and think I need a Dr. She was so kind and as some grace from above her friend was traveling with her and happened to be a Dr. She was so kind and they put me next to the Dr. in business class so I could lie down and gave me some herbal medicine that she said was safe, not hurt the baby, but calm me down. I wasn't hysterical loud, but I was just shaking and weeping....it was awful. I remember it like it almost didn't happen to me, but I saw it on TV. I got a wheelchair transfer to my next flight and got home. My ex did pick me up and took me straight to the ER to try and be supportive. I waited 2 hours and it was awful! They took blood and my HCG was 353...the Dr did an abdominal ultrasound, but saw nothing. The Dr. on the plane told me to save what came out of me so I gave it to the Dr. and he and sent me home to finish out my miscarriage at home. My ex left for the weekend to go party and I hadn't really told anyone so I spent the weekend alone, sad, bleeding, miserable, and feeling just awful!

On Monday my HCG was 63, by the following week zero.

I have such feelings of sadness and guilt and stupidity. I mean I was so scared and considering an abortion.....why am I so sad? I feel like I lost my baby, but did I bring this on myself? Isn't it what I even wished for myself? I regret that so much!!! I had been drinking, taking medications.....did I kill my baby? I now believe I was closer to 8-10 weeks pregnant and suffered from a blight ovum. It hurts. I was sad, felt better, but today sucks! I am just really depressed, and don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening and thank you for this website, because it is the first time I have been able to hear what other people REALLY saw, and went through!


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## StephMN

Hello,

I found the stories of others extremely helpful, so I am posting mine as well. (It is a bit graphic)

Approximately 8.5 weeks after my LMP, I went in for my first prenatal care appointment. My doctor thought I felt farther along and suggested a dating ultrasound as I am currently breastfeeding a toddler. So, I went for the exam...the tech was extremely quiet, didn't point any of the baby out to us--only mentioned when she was measuring the blood flow to my ovaries, etc. I knew it wouldn't be good news. I got a call from my doctor about 4 hours later--she said that the baby was only measuring 7 weeks (behind what either of us thought) and had no heartbeat. She told me to prepare for a miscarriage, and she felt confident that it would happen within a week. If it didn't, I was to call back and we could talk about our options. At first, I had no idea how to handle it--I took the next day off of work because I couldn't imagine going and sitting and waiting to start bleeding. I would also weep at the drop of a hat--so I didn't want to do that at work. After reading so many stories of mother's who waited to miscarry for many many weeks, I knew that I would have to try to resume life as normal, just always wearing pads and waiting. I was hoping not to bleed (maybe the ultrasound was wrong?) and yet hoping to bleed so that it would be over, if it was inevitable. Every gas pain, I would worry--and I often "felt" myself bleeding but when I would go to the bathroom, there was nothing there--that was incredibly stressful. I felt like my belly was still growing.

After a week and a half, I called my doctor--no cramps, no bleeding, no huge decrease in symptoms. She told me to have my beta hcg drawn to see where we were at--she mentioned that if it seemed high enough to support a healthy pregnancy, maybe we should have another ultrasound. It was still high--I got a message to schedule an ultrasound! Unfortunately, I got the news at 4 pm on a Friday, so I had to wait until the next Monday. I was hopeful, but I tried to be realistic.

Then, on Sunday, brown spotting started. On Tuesday, the bleeding increased and turned red. I went to work anyway, knowing that it might take days. However, by noon, the cramps were feeling early labor like, they would ebb and flow. At their peak, they were taking my breath away, so I drove home. When I got there, I felt a gush when getting out the car. There was huge blood clot on the pad. I chose to save all of the major pieces that came out--I would rinse them off to see if I could find my baby, but I didn't know what to expect. I had read stories of babies shrinking in utero after they died, and it had probably been at least 4 weeks since my precious babe's heart stopped. So, I saved everything in a jelly jar because I didn't want to miss him/her (I know it probably sounds majorly gross, and I can't even come up with good explanation about why it was so important to me...just was...mostly I was really hopeful I would find the babe, as evidence that there was a life inside me!) Everything looked like pieces of liver--bloody clots, but I kept thinking I could make out a fetus in form in some pieces--I had read that some people saw a clear sac with a babe inside, but, as I said, I wasn't sure if that was still intact or not. Lots of cramping and clots for the next 7 hours or so...in that time, my husband and son came home and my husband (mercifully) took him on a walk so I could carry on. At about 7:30, I just knew I had to get to the bathroom...I had the urge to bear down a bit, and out came a mass of tissue just slightly smaller than my fist--it mostly looked like muscle tissue. I saw no obvious baby when I rinsed it off, but I felt much much better after it passed--the cramps felt more like a steady ache and less like labor contractions.

I bled lightly that night and the next day. I felt sore but oddly fine...the dull ache in my uterus was there, but other than that, my main pregnancy symptom (wanting to climb the walls when my toddler nursed) was completely gone...it felt so strange. I probably overdid it that day--went to work, took my son to the park. That night I felt pretty crampy and the next morning I passed some more grayish tissue...this time it was smaller and flatter--maybe placenta? Anyway, here I am the day after that (Friday--my miscarriage happened on Tuesday) and I still feel some pains in my uterus/vaginal area and am still passing some clots but I feel pretty good physically (mostly tired).

The hardest part was that we were waiting until this weekend (Mother's Day) to tell anyone about the pregnancy. So that meant that during this agonizing time of waiting and thru the miscarriage itself, we tried to carry on like everything was normal. I am still happy that we didn't tell (my MIL has been asking for a second grandchild since the day after the first was born and I know this would have crushed her and it would have felt very much like she was disappointed in me.

Emotionally, this has been crazy for me. When I got the news, I felt like I shouldn't be surprised--after all, this is why we didn't tell anyone. I know it's incredibly common. I wasn't prepared for how absolutely devastating it was...and how, even though I know it was nothing I did, I felt disappointed in myself and like I had disappointed my husband. It was stressful to carry on as usual--and I was a wreck for those 2 1/2 weeks. And now I just don't know what to feel. I'm not weepy anymore and almost feel badly about that. I want to feel better, get my period, try for another pregnancy. I want to do a few things that I wasn't doing because I was pregnant (drink beer, run hard, touch up the paint in my living room) and that makes me feel guilty too!

We plan to bury what I collected, but I'm not sure where.

Thanks to all who shared their stories. The hardest part (other than the loss) was not knowing what to expect. I am so sorry that anyone should have to go through this! It has also helped me to share my story. Thanks for this forum.


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## cameragirl

I wanted to add my experience. After trying for 13 months (and having to wait a few years before that because of health reasons), we got pregnant. I hadn't seen the doctor yet. I had been experiencing the normal early pregnancy symptoms of frequent urination, tender breasts, some nausea, etc. At about 5w6d, I noticed the symptoms letting up and took it as a good sign. Last time I had hyperemesis, and I thought this time I'd get out of it. When I was 6w1d, I woke up with my underwear soaked with blood. We rushed to the hospital because we were scared, and I hadn't see an OB yet.

I had a full range of blood work done, urinalysis, and an ultrasound. The doctor came in to say that they didn't see anything in my womb, and that the beta hcg levels were only 117. She said I might have gotten my conception date wrong, but I knew that I hadn't. I knew that I was miscarrying. They warned me that a miscarriage would just be like a heavy period, and sent me home. I laid in bed all day crying.

The next day, I was really hurting, and I was running a fever of 101*. The hospital said to come back in because of the fever and pain. They ran more blood work and another urinalysis. The pain kept getting worse, and I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I got sent home with painkillers, and was told that I was most likely miscarrying. At this point, the bleeding was very light. I never had any heavy bleeding. Because the bleeding was so light, I was afraid that my body wasn't getting everything out on its own.

I had decided to switch OB's for this pregnancy, and I wasn't scheduled to go in until 8 weeks gestation. I called, and they got me in the next day for a follow-up. The OB confirmed that I was miscarrying, and was very friendly and helpful. She put a lot of my fears to rest. My endometrial lining was pretty thin, and she said to not expect much bleeding until I get a normal period again. My beta hcg level at day four of the miscarriage was only 9. They asked me to take one more test this week just to confirm that the levels are back to normal.

Emotionally, this has been very difficult. My daughter knew, and she has been crushed by this loss. She brought me a blanket last night, and told me that it held all of the baby's memories for her. She was saving it in her room for when the baby visited from heaven. I am mostly okay during the day, but it is hard to sleep and I have been crying at night. It gets a little easier to accept each day. Our doctor said to start trying again as soon as my period came back, and we're working towards that emotionally.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats

I have another post just a few pages back, but I wanted to add Dove's story to this thread.

*Before*
In December of 2010, I found I was pregnant with my second baby, after just barely beginning to try with my husband who'd had a vasectomy reversal. We had just discovered my father's cancer was terminal and he likely had less than two years to live. I was overjoyed to be pregnant because I thought he would still be well enough to come visit, and get to meet my baby.
It turned out neither of those things were to be. I lost my baby on February third, at ten weeks four days, and then lost my father exactly one month to the day later. I named my baby Spring, and she's buried in my front yard, right next to my rosebush.
Through April and May, I very slowly started piecing myself back together. I half-heartedly tried to become pregnant in the two cycles after my miscarriage, but decided to start NuvaRing in April. I'd had a negative blood test right before starting my period, and I wanted to wait until I had gotten off of my antidepressants, something I thought might have contributed to my miscarriage, and had some time to grieve for both my father and Spring and this new reality where I wasn't going to seamlessly get pregnant and carry to term like I thought I would, if my husband could just get me pregnant. My sister in law was pregnant and due the same time Spring should have been. Seeing her with a belly as big as mine should have been was beyond unbearable.

I started a new cycle on May 8th, the same day I started my cycle on four years ago when my daughter was conceived. I had a sense of something being off- I felt vaguely pregnant. But just vaguely. I started bleeding when I was supposed to, but it was very very light. I wrote it off as wishful thinking, and didn't test. I spent that Mother's Day trying not to think about how pregnant I should have been.
On May 12th, when I was feeling particularly bad, I noticed a flash of red out of my bedroom. I went to look, and there was a red and white streaked tulip -the one in my icon- right next to her grave. I hadn't planted it last fall, and we hadn't noticed it when we were digging. I felt like it was a gift from her and my father, hoping to draw me out of the house and out of bed and take my daughter out to play again. It helped quite a lot.
The rest of the month I still felt off. My breasts were sore, my sense of smell was off the charts, and I'd had some twingey-cramps that I normally felt in early pregnancy, as your uterus and ligaments stretch to accomodate the baby. Again, wrote it off as wishful thinking. But I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

*Tuesday, June 3rd*
I have had many, many dreams of being pregnancy Dozens. Hundreds. Usually, I don't get to the birthing part. Usually, I wake up well before then, usually in the "finding out I'm pregnant" stage. I almost always realize in the dream, that I am dreaming and it's not real. I usually convince myself first that it IS real and then argue with myself for a while and have actually tried to will myself awake several times, stuck in a dream that I know isn't actually happening.
The only times I have given birth and held a baby in those dreams is when I have been pregnant.
The one I had that night, I ran the gamut between finding out I was pregnant, convincing myself it was a dream, then convincing myself it was real, and actually getting to the giving birth part. Again, I was in my mother's house, though this time I was giving birth in her room. This one was detailed, excruciatingly so, right down to her white wrought iron bed and pretty floral sheets, and the turquoise and chocolate polka-dotted sling I wanted. It was a boy. I argued with Mark about naming him Cameron or Luke. I nursed him and wore him and slept with him. I wrapped him close to me and kissed his head. And then suddenly in the dream, I couldn't find him. I screamed and screamed and I looked and looked... And once again, I realized, in the dream, that once again I'd been fooled. It wasn't real. There was no homebirth in Texas, there was no baby boy, there was no polka dot sling.

I was incredibly, unspeakably angry that my baby had been taken from me. I tore myself open, like a Sheela na Gig, and ripped out the ring.

It seemed like it took me forever to wake up.

As soon as I did, I took the ring out. It was Friday, and I was supposed to take it out Sunday, so I figured I would just take it out early, start my period, not be pregnant and it'll all be good, right? Right. I could just leave it out and we could start trying again and it would be okay.

Except I never started bleeding. In all of my years of taking NuvaRing, I had _always_ started two days after I removed it. I waited four days, and then one of my friends convinced me to take a test.

It was positive.
It was starkly, unmistakably positive.

Almost immediately, I told her there was something that sorta looked like a line, and no I was definitely not shitting her, and I screamed for my roommate Kat and told her to look at it and HOW MANY LINES DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE A LINE? NOT THE DARK ONE, DO YOU SEE ANOTHER ONE? And she was completely baffled and was all, "Yeah, there's two lines- why, is that bad?" I shrieked, "NO! TWO LINES MEANS _PREGNANT!"_ I immediately called Mark and screamed into the phone MARK! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW, I AM PREGNANT! He tried a few times to break into my hysterics to tell me it was okay, to calm down, he was coming home and then he just fell silent and was like, "OKAY THEN! I'M ON MY WAY!" We told each other we loved each other like five times and he made a 45 minutes in about half that time. I positively launched myself at him and hugged and kissed him and showed him the test and we were both giddy. I could barely speak. I called a bunch of my other friends and had a lot of "GUESS WHAT I'M PREGNANT!" conversations and everybody was similarly flabberghasted.

That night, I was cooking soup, tearing fresh herbs into pieces, and trying to just absorb all of this. That I could be pregnant, pregnant and due at the exact time as my daughter. That this happened to me for a reason. How I wish now that I had listened to myself, and tested when I thought I might be pregnant, and been open to that gift. I had been telling myself I needed to wait, I needed to be ready, I needed to get myself together, besides I wanted a summer birth anyway&#8230; How little any of that means to me now.

*Wednesday, June 8th*
I woke up and took another test, just for the hell of it, and it was still positive. I spent the morning poking through my old pregnancy to-do lists and homebirth plans.

Then I started spotting.

I called the midwife on-call, and she told me not to panic, that spotting in pregnancy is normal and that it could have been from having sex. She said to lie down and take it easy and just keep an eye on it, and to call back if I was still spotting in the morning. I started crying and told her I'd had a missed miscarriage in February and I'd never bled or cramped or anything. She stayed on the phone and talked to me a little bit and made me feel better.

I checked my pad every hour and only ever saw tiny bits of blood- streaks, smears, spots, dots. It would come and go and I tried to stay strong. I tried to think about all the things I wanted to do for this baby- telling my mother in person, getting to go to Texas and eat Mexican food, having a homebirth, just _stay in there_. I took herbal tinctures to try and boost my progesterone and support the lining and embryo. I stayed up all night checking and wiping and making notes of what I saw. I slammed down herbs every half hour. My friend Holly stayed up with me and we talked about baby boy names.

I just spent a lot of time curled up in bed with Mark and Gwen, playing soft Celtic music and just thinking and trying to just be. Just be here, with my husband and daughter who love me and my little tiny baby that's inside me and visualize and actualize and imagine that baby. I made a list of things I wanted to do, things to look forward to, reasons this baby should stay- telling my family in person when I go to Texas, getting to be pregnant in Texas, telling the kids, telling Mark's family, and starting to show and seeing a heartbeat and feeling baby kicks and getting a belly... Just thinking about the things that made me happy. Telling this baby there's good things to be had here. Talking to myself and telling myself and my body that, okay, you made damn sure this kid showed up, you made him a little nest and kicked him out of my ovary for no apparent reason, and so we are gonna suck it up and DO THIS THING. I wanted to be happy I was pregnant. I wanted this baby to know I was happy to be pregnant.

Early Thursday morning, I sat down with my computer and turned on some of my Celtic music, and looked at all of my pictures so I could cry. I'd been too afraid to admit that I thought it was something more than just spotting but I needed to cry. Mark came and sat with me and I finally fell asleep.

*Thursday, June 9th*
I slept late, and woke up that afternoon to a little more blood but not an alarming amount. One of the other midwives, one I'd actually worked with before, called in an order for a blood test. I left immediately, and my husband came home early to be with me. When I got home, my bleeding had slowed down to hardly nothing, so I took my daughter out to play in our yard.

I just sat outside and threw her ball back and forth. She started playing by herself with her basketball hoop, and I went to sit by Spring's grave. I was just rubbing the stone, and talking to her, and telling her to help my baby stay with me. Gwen came over and heard me talking, and asked, "Baby?" I told her yeah, one of Mama's babies is here. She patted the rock and said, "It's okay, baby." She really loves babies and is really sweet and gentle with them. I took her hands and said, "Mama has a baby inside her, a new baby." She pointed at my tummy and said, "Baby! There it is!" I told her to be happy for the new baby, and she grabbed a dandelion and said, "Happy baby!" and blew it out. So we went all over the yard and made wishes on all the dandelions we could find that the baby would be happy. We went back inside, and I wrote a letter to my baby, and I decided to name the baby Dove, since both of my favorite baby names, Augustus and Clara, were from Lonesome Dove, the book where I got the quote that's tattooed on my leg from. Gus was my dad's favorite cowboy character ever, and who he always said he wanted to be when he grew up.

My husband gave me a blessing, and I tried to keep those good thoughts going. I stayed up all night again, trying to determine if the bleeding was getting better or worse and it was just all over the place. Some times there was only some when I wiped, sometimes it was brown, sometimes it would go through the liner, sometimes it was red, sometimes it was just pink dots. I called the midwives back and they got me an emergency appointment. I slept for two solid hours and didn't see all that much blood since that morning.

*Friday, June 10th*
When my husband woke me up, I was so tired. I had a terrible feeling of dread and started sobbing. I didn't want to go- it wouldn't change the outcome so why bother? But I went.

The midwife was one I had seen once, with Gwen four years ago. But at least it wasn't anybody brand new. She told me my hCG level had been 5,500, which was too high for being 4 week pregnant, but bang-on for a 5-6 week pregnancy, or indicative of a failing 7-8 week pregnancy. Both of those were equally possible, but I was incredibly heartened by the high numbers, and the fact that my cervix was still closed when she checked me. I hugged and kissed my husband. I told him I was sure that everything would be okay. We went out to celebrate, and he took Gwen for a walk while I updated my LJ with what I thought was glad news.

I drove home with the windows down, enjoying the sunshine, singing to the radio and telling Gwen I would take her to the playground.

I pulled into the driveway, and stood up.

I felt a gush- like when my water broke.

I ran to the bathroom and I had soaked through my pad, and there was blood everywhere, and a clot the size of a quarter.

My heart fell and I couldn't catch my breath. I told Mark and tried to reassure myself that it was just the cervical exam, it had just irritated my cervix and now I was bleeding but it would stop like it had before.

I waited as long as I could, about forty five minutes, before checking again, and I saw only a little bit of blood. But when I got back into bed, I felt another gush, and this time there were more clots. My husband looked to me, and I shook my head and said, "No, it's over."

I went back to change my pad, and I was going through them as fast as I could put them on. I just knelt on the floor, holding pads up to myself, putting the small clots together as they passed. I called the homebirth midwife I had wanted to use with Spring, and she said she would come down but that if I kept bleeding heavily we'd have to go to the hospital.

I got up to look for my altar cloth -I wanted to set something up so I could meditate through this- and I felt another bulge, and there was blood running through my pad and onto my hand and down my legs. I made it back to the bathroom, knelt over a towel, and passed a palmful-sized clot into my hands. I called for Mark, and he opened the door and just put his head on the door and cried. I asked him for a little privacy, so I could clean myself up. Gwen wanted to see me and I told him it was okay. Gwen peeked around, and pointed at what I had in my hands and said, "Baby?"

I told her yes, that was Mommy's baby.

She said, "Baby's gone. I sorry, Mommy." She came over to me, and stroked my hair. I told her that yes, the baby was gone.

She asked if I was sad. I told her, yes, because Mommy didn't want her baby to go away. I started crying and I asked her to maybe leave me alone for a minute. Mark drew me a shallow bath so I could wash off the blood.
I sat back down over my towel and got my pads ready and just prepared to spend most of the night like this. Gwen brought me her favorite stuffed animal, a little dog Brandon got her for her second birthday named Boo. I told her thank you, and she left and came back again, this time holding her Dolly. She handed her to me and said, "I found the baby, Mama!" I held her tightly and told her that was so sweet of her, but that was her baby, and that Mama's baby was already gone.

*At the hospital, 7:00 PM*
I passed four palm-sized clots at home, so I called Michelle and told her I was going to the ER. At first I tried to find someone to watch Gwen, but she cried and screamed that she didn't want to stay and I couldn't leave her. I couldn't. Not my only baby.

I passed another clot on the way over, and when I got to the ER I was dizzy. I told the clerk what was happening and he took my pulse and I was way tachy. I told him I had bled through six pads in just two hours and I think I had passed another big clot on my way over. He said they would get me a bed as soon as they could. I bled through my pad and they gave me some more, and in the bathroom I passed a huge clot and bled all over the bathroom. I pulled the emergency cord, and two male techs came to help me. I had to waddle with my pants around my ankles and this huge clot in my hand to open the door. I was sobbing and hyperventilating and I begged them to let me wash my hands. One of them held me up so I could wash my hands off, and wrapped the clot up in a paper towel for me. They got me a wheelchair and into a trauma room- my heartrate was 150 and my BP was through the floor and I was gushing and gushing. I have never seen a nurse put in an IV so fast- they got two large-bore IVs started of ringers lactate and drew blood to see if I needed a transfusion. I have two huge bruises on my arms- I have very small veins and I'm so thin to begin with that anything more traumatic than a gentle butterfly draw makes me bruise.

I passed another huge clot and was still bleeding pretty profusely. Mark stood back with Gwen while they worked, and Michelle stood by my head and held my hand while I sobbed and sobbed. I asked over and over for someone to clean the blood up off the floor- it had gotten on mine and tech's shoes. I went through passed another four clots with maybe half a cup or two of blood each time. My heartrate slowed to about 120 but I couldn't sit up without feeling dizzy. Michelle helped collect the clots into the container for testing, and she massaged my uterus to help me contract, and played with my hair for me. I lied my ass off that I was in a lot of pain and they gave me morphine. I wanted it to help me relax since I knew they were going to do at least two pelvics. It worked beautifully.

The truth was I hadn't felt a single cramp the entire time.

The ER resident was amazing. Absolutely amazing. I told him the whole story- my first miscarriage, getting pregnant on NuvaRing, started spotting on Wednesday, had a blood test on Thursday, and then everything today. He told me that their main concern was to make sure it wasn't ectopic, to get my heartrate under 120, and to stop bleeding more than 50cc an hour. I told him I was a rape survivor and to please please find me a female doctor for the pelvic. I knew they had to do a transvaginal ultrasound and I would understand if they had to do it anyway but just to please try. They found one, and she was very sweet. All we saw on the ultrasound was a completely blood-filled uterus and something that might have once been an embryonic sac. My tubes were clear, so they declared it an intrauterine pregnancy. Michelle was great and held my hand, and told me what they were doing, and kept me focused. If it weren't for her and the morphine I probably would have had a panic attack and kicked their faces in.

The nurse I had was hilariously morbid with me- I get like that in these kind of situations. They were trying to staunch the bleeding enough to get a clear of my cervix to see if I'd lacerated anything, and the doctor said, "I'm just using some tissue here, well okay, gauze really&#8230;" and the nurse goes, "Don't worry, it's all stuffing anyway." I laughed and told her that was horrible and we all laughed.

Around ten PM, I felt better and hadn't been bleeding much, and I had to pee, so we decided to see if I could sit and stand and walk to the bathroom. I made it there okay, and passed another small clot, but on my way back I got really dizzy. When I got back to my room I started to fall, and Michelle caught me and helped me back in bed. My heartrate went down to 63 and everything sounded and looked fuzzy. Michelle put me in the rescue position and I stabilized a little bit. They started some more fluids, another bag in each arm, but I couldn't stand for more than 45 seconds and everytime I sat up my pulse went to about 140. I lied down and stayed there, and swiped some of Gwen's apple juice to get me some sugar. Me and Michelle joked it's just like labor- they don't let you eat or drink anything and then look surprised when you're dehydrated and weak.

I got past that little bit, and started feel better and was able to sit up. Mark started to fade on us, and we thought he was just tired, so we got him some sugar and crackers.

And then he passed out. He has blood phobia -he passed out at his first wife's c-section- and I think he'd been mildly asthmatic all evening and just went hypoxic on us. They took him to his own room -when my nurse passed him on a gurney in the hallway she just looked at him and said, "Decided to join us did you??" Michelle went back and forth between the two of us, giving us updates on the other, and taking care of Gwen for me.

Gwen was so brave the entire time. She was quiet and patient and cooperative the whole time. No one gave me any flack for nursing her, even though they'd given me morphine, though the ER resident was all flustered when he walked in on me nursing. I was like, dude, you've had your hands up my junk looking at my bleeding vag, I think we're past it. I told the OB resident who did my second pelvic that I'd actually nursed through an IUD insertion, so don't even worry about it. She was very gentle with all my IVs and everything. We just told her they were to put water inside Mommy.
Now I wish I had listened to myself and let her see my dad in the hospital. Little kids aren't scared of stuff like that- you just tell them it's there to help you feel better and they're like, okay whatever. But everyone else said no, it wouldn't be good for her.

I kept improving and they got Mark up on his feet, so they let us go home around three AM. Michelle came with us, and she helped me into bed and put my pads on to soak, and collected all the clots I'd passed at home. She cleaned up the bathroom and took out the trash, gave me a hug, and went home. I took two Vicodin and a shot of bourbon. When we got into bed, Gwen said again, "Baby's gone. Baby went away." I said yes, yes he did. She asked if I was hurt and I said a little bit, but not like before, and that Mommy didn't have so much blood inside her now. She said good and gave me a hug, and told me, "Baby with Grandpa. Baby went home." We all fell asleep around four or five.

*Saturday, June 11th*
I woke up and felt mostly okay. I posted a few different places and talked to everyone, let them know I was back home and okay. I called the midwife on call, who was the first midwife I saw with Gwen and the one who had ordered the first blood test, to let her know I had miscarried. She told me she was so sorry that it had happened and that they would take care of me on Monday.

I gathered up all the clots I had lost at home, and wrapped them in one of the purple napkins I had bought for my dad's funereal display (what I wrapped the Heart of Texas and my necklace in that were buried with him) and annointed it with the same oils I had used for Spring. Mark dug a grave on the other side of the rosebush, and we saw some new tulip bulbs. I re-planted them right over the grave. I got one of the granite rocks from our pile, that looked kind of like half a heart.

I had asked Gwen before if she wanted to help Mommy and Daddy bury the baby, like we had buried Spring and Grandpa, and she said no. But she changed her mind and came out right when we were finishing up. She sat next to me and patted the rock, and said, "Bye baby. Baby go live with Grandpa." And then she pointed off across the yard and said, "Baby! Baby so cute!" Me and Mark held each other and cried and she came over and hugged us and kept trying to show us the baby.

We went back inside, and I was having some heavier bleeding, like it was when it first started. I started bleeding quite a lot and passing some smaller clots. I knelt on the floor again, like I had before, trying to do the best I could to keep up with pads and towels and baby wipes. My friend Tristyn came to sit with me and check my bleeding and heartrate and make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. My cervix was much firmer, and I passed a couple more good-sized clots but didn't bleed much more. I sent Mark out for some supplies, and by the time he got home I was doing better, so Tristyn left with firm instructions for me to stay in bed, and keep taking blue cohosh to control the bleeding and nettle for vitamin K.

I had a little OCD at that point. I wanted to clean my room some- it was a mess since we'd been sick for a week before I found out I was pregnant, then I wasn't able to do anything for three days because of the spotting, and my husband was worried about me and trying to keep up with our three year old, so there was kleenex and half-empty juice cups and dirty clothes everywhere. I felt dizzy and faint and nauseated, and I was just tired and hormonal and pissed off. I took some Klonopin myself and called one of my best friends, who talked me down and assured me that no, I was not crazy, and yes, I needed a lot of support, and it didn't matter if my room really needed to be clean or not, women in labor (which I essentially was at that point) get to say whatever they want. When she was having her homebirth she completely lost it on her husband saying he had to clean the fucking fish tank before the baby was born. So, you know, if I just want some basic sanitary conditions to sleep in so I'm not lying there twitching about the towels that need to be folded, that's perfectly fine. I'd held my dead baby in my hands that night.
I finally fell asleep by myself around five in the morning.

*Sunday, June 12th*
I woke up around two in excruciating pain, probably from how badly I'd overdone it the night before. I took a hot bath and some Vicodin and lobelia to try and soothe the afterpains, did a lot of counter-pressure and uterine massage. After about an hour and a couple pots of boiling water in my bath, I felt good enough to get back into bed, but I still felt very weak.
I started losing blood and clots again, so I set back up on the bathroom floor and had my husband take my daughter to his parents'. My friend Kat sat with me and I passed another three or four big clots. I fell asleep just after Mark got back and slept until three that morning.

*Monday, June 13th*
I fell back asleep around 7AM, then woke up at 11 for my appointment with my midwife. It took me forever to get in to be seen, but she agreed with me that it was probably an 8 week pregnancy and if we had to guess, I lost about 3 pints on Friday and another one - one and a half since then. So about 35% of my blood volume. We talked supplements and agreed that I should wait for two after this one to try to conceive again, since I had lost so much blood.

I came home and felt a terrible combination of panicky and pissed off and weak and dizzy and nauseated and still pregnant. I snapped and yelled and bitched about everything and then would turn around and break down crying. I finally managed to eat something, and decided to do something about the bucket of bloody pads sitting on my washer.
I brought them and another bucket into the bathroom, and ran some clean cold water. I wringed out the pads and I have never, ever seen the water so dark, even after my last miscarriage. I rinsed them by hand over and over and the water was still running red. I poured the water over the graves and my rosebush. It's finally starting to bud. I cried silently as I did, carrying bucket after bucket of bloody water back and forth. After the fourth one, I put the pads in the washer to soak. Even after all that, they still turned an entire 25 gallon drum red.

I got some fertility books on Amazon, and found a little statue of an angel holding a dove. I bought some new pads, to replace the one that got left at the hospital and the ones that I would know I had been wearing when I started to spot and when I knew I was losing the pregnancy.

When I measured out my tinctures, I pictured giving each tiny drop to my baby. Now when I do, I think of all the women who have taken them for this reason, who passed on what they were for, and knew this kind of loss.

I'm not sorry that I tested, or even that I got what I thought was good news today. I had an absolutely OMGYAY day on Tuesday and spent some time that I KNOW was with my baby on Wednesday and Thursday and even Friday, and I had some happiness out of this. If I had just thought I was having a normal birth-control withdrawl-bleed period for two days and then had this massive hemorrhaging, without EVER having gotten to know I was pregnant or made those wishes on dandelions, that would have been so much worse. I wouldn't ever have gotten to be happy for my baby. I think our intent, our desire, our love for our children is what gives them souls. Once we know of them and want them and dream of holding them not just in our hearts, that is when they are alive and only when we know that they are gone are they not.

So now my Daddy has two babies to keep him occupied.

*Letter to*
_My Dove,
I love you. I love you for coming to me. Have you passed the Veil yet? Are you here with me? My own precious baby&#8230; do you know you're mine? Do you know if you'll leave me yet? Stay with me. So I can tell your grandmothers and grandfathers about you. Your aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters. So you can kick and grow and hear and taste and see and feel. So you can bounce on my bladder and headbutt my cervix and be a pain just like your sister did. So you can be be born and I can hold you and feel you and sleep with you. Stay so I can be with you. Please. Stay.

I can tell your grandma and she'll be so thrilled. I can take you to see your grandfather and take you to the river and I can see my dog and she'll know you're with me. I can take you places, show you things. I will always love you. My beautiful baby, my Dove, I WANT you to stay. I want to have a bump and get morning sickness and feel you kick and dance and tumble. I want to get so impossibly huge that it hurts. I want into the temple fount with you. I want my daughter to feel you kick the same she did, for her to see and know where she came from. I want you to meet her, all of them, I want you know your daddy loves you just like I do. I want you to know about wood piles and baby kittens and pony rides and doggies and balls and swings and I know it isn't heaven but it will be close enough for me if you'll just stay. Please stay. I love you. I want you, in all your prickly contrary wishy-washy Aquarianess. Boy or girl, my Clara or my Gus, you are my Dove, my baby that brought me hope again and let me know it's still out there. So stay with me, my hope, my love, my Dove. Stay with Mommy. I can make it better, I swear I can. I will. I promise. I love you. My body- my baby- be at peace. Hold this baby tight. We can do this again. We can grow him and feed him and bear him and give him birth. Hold on. It will be all right. You hold him. Keep him safe. Our Dove, safe in his nest. You built it for him and made him grow and made sure he found his way to me- now please keep him here. Keep him in. Keep him safe. My baby Dove. Stay with me. Be amazing with me._


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## msattitude

well, i was pregnant with 3 at one time,when i lost the first baby,i felt a gush coming from my vag area,went to the bathroom and it looked like i had started my period,but worse bleeding.

went to the er,and they told me that it was probably a mis carriage,but my other two twins were fine,but that didn't mean the other babies would survive also.let's see i made it to 26 wks,and had a baby boy ,and baby girl. my baby boy ended up passing away because of complications of the hospital.a mis carriage is very different,than having your babies/baby and seeing the baby and having to make difficult decisions....


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## mandalamama

i've always been really in touch with my body, yoga and tai chi and meditation and all that, but for some reason my body is clueless as to when it becomes pregnant. i spot lightly each month like a normal period and i don't feel any different until around 8 or 9 weeks! i didn't know i was pregnant for the first time with my ex-husband until i started throwing up so hard i couldn't control my bladder. we thought i had a really horrible flu, i got super dehydrated and went to the ER. they did a urine test but it was negative, finally a savvy nurse thought to do a HCG quantitative and surprise! i was 10-11weeks pregnant. so happy!

*1st natural miscarriage*

that pregnancy was my first "natural miscarriage after 12 weeks." it started at 13 weeks. we'd moved up our wedding date from May 1st to Valentine's Day. i started spotting brown and red before the wedding, then the cramps/contractions started. i was starting to miscarry during my own wedding ceremony, it was so damn hard to keep it together emotionally! it turned out it was a blighted ovum. i have good luck finding good medical professionals *knock wood!* because no one said "at least it wasn't a baby," etc. the ultrasound tech was kind and explained and pointed out everything to both of us. i hadn't heard the term "natural miscarriage" until i read it here, i didn't even know it was an option! i told my OB i wanted to try it natural, no D&C and luckily she was all for it. she gave me a list to take home of "signs" to watch out for if things go wrong. i drank a LOT, i was so thirsty constantly, and cramps started getting worse, and i had severe back pain.

the cramps were much heavier than i'd ever felt, and there was sort of a rhythm to them, and i felt like i was on a roller coaster with big hills and i couldn't get off the ride. (looking back after the birth of my daughter, i know now i was having "surges" or contractions.) i started off bleeding pale red and brown, then i was bleeding bright red with small clots and stringy stuff. it didn't seem too heavy. it was more that the bleeding would almost stop when i was lying down and when i stood up it'd gush like crazy. i felt totally gross lying or sitting with wet pads, so i skipped them and sat and rocked on the toilet for a long time, i'd meditate, pray or read. i passed a few really large pieces (that part felt really weird, slippery but not painful) it looked like nothing i'd ever seen before. i didn't know how many pads i would have gone through per hour but it felt way more natural on the toilet, and also i took long, hot showers. i remember freaking out, what if the u/s was wrong, what if there is a baby? what will it feel like when it passes? do i want to see it? in the shower i sang that song that goes, "spirit of the rain, wash away the pain" to stay calm.

the entire miscarriage took about 3 weeks (wish i still had the journal from then). it was really only "active" feeling in the evening and night. that's when it got very painful, much heavier flow, more clots. i'd get a few deep breaths in and i'd cramp up again so tightly. one night i felt a sharp pain, i'm sure it was just my imagination but it felt like a "ripping" pain inside me. my temp. had gone up to 102, so i went to the ER. they put me in a labor room, the kind they reserve for both births and losses. i swear i could feel the "baby energy" in that room as well as the "loss" feelings. i asked for pain meds, got some, then i sat up and colored mandalas to keep my mind off of that room. when i felt the ripping feeling again, i let them know. a nurse used a hemostat to pull some tissue, she said it was stuck in my cervix, she was really nice, coaching me to breathe and push, my ex was holding me and stroking my hair. i got cleaned up and they laid the bed flat, then left us totally alone to cry for a while. i had light bleeding for about 2 weeks after that, but no more painful cramping and my temp stayed normal. looking back, i think i would have been much more freaked out if i'd known that a baby was going to pass out of me.

the next year i got pregnant with my daughter, i didn't know until 11 weeks (geez, body, get a clue!) and i felt scared until about 18 weeks, but did everything i could to stay relaxed. everything went fine, i had a natural labor but needed to go to the hospital for an emergency-C because my daughter was "yo-yo-ing" on a short cord wrapped twice around her neck. it's sad that i didn't get the birth i hoped for, but it was good i had 2 doulas present and MDC mamas online who understood even though i had a beautiful, healthy baby i still needed to grieve the loss of a natural birth. when i breathed and rocked through the surges, i realized how much that miscarriage felt like a smaller, less intense labor.

*2nd natural miscarriage*

this time is my second natural miscarriage after 12 weeks. at least i knew the date of conception exactly. i waited to tell anyone until a few days before 12 weeks (now of course i wish i hadn't told anyone), since i'm 44 and my circumstances are just wrong for having a baby - i conceived this child just 6 days before my ex-boyfriend left me and my daughter via email (yeah, he's an asshole). i didn't know i was pregnant until i was at 9 weeks, i'd had pneumonia for 2 weeks and then i thought it was the flu going around, but my daughter just knew. (she also knew when i started to miscarry, before i did!)

a few days before 12 weeks i felt safe to break the news, i'd felt bad for not enjoying this pregnancy out loud. joined a DDC, got super happy. but i kept stressing to those closest to me that this is a "maybe baby" because i'm just plain OLD and i have disabling health issues. my daughter really seemed to understand the concept that sometimes women have "maybe babies" and "angel babies" and it's all natural. i felt, and still feel, guilty as hell for not being in touch with this baby like i was with my daughter, though! because i saw a baby on the u/s, it measured small (10 weeks), was hard to see if it was moving and they couldn't find the heartbeat, but i've got belly fat so they said that's not unusual. i was going to have another u/s at 18 weeks unless anything came up. i was thrilled to be at a hospital that has more midwives than OBs, and offered birthing tubs!

the pregnancy hormones that made me feel awful also put my fibromyalgia pain and stiffness into remission, around 8-9 weeks, just like my last pregnancy. i got out my daughter's baby book and pictures and all that, finally worked on a scrapbook for her, it's been so awesome to share the memories with her now that she's old enough to understand! being pregnant really brought those days back into sharp focus. my girl loves hearing all about her babyhood. i was just totally blissed out on the happy hormones. since life has been hectic since my ex dumped me, i'd been doing everything "one day at a time," and then even "one hour at a time" if i started to feel anxious. i honestly couldn't see the future with this pregnancy, not at all, i tried so hard. it felt weird that i couldn't "connect" with this baby like i did with my daughter - she and i were deeply connected at 11.5 weeks - but i did get a very strong intuition of "boy" this time around. (my daughter's name would have been Phoenix were she a boy, so i named the baby Phoenix).

i started miscarrying at 12 weeks 2 days. i just knew was a m/c it this time, even though i'd been spotting light pink which wasn't unusual for me up until 18 weeks. it felt horrible to meet my midwife once, get the u/s, then just 2 days later call her for miscarriage advice. because i started spotting brown, then red with stringy brownish stuff. she said that since the baby had measured small compared to my conception date, it was likely that it passed even before the u/s. i told her i'd had a natural miscarriage before my daughter was born and wished to do that again, we went over all the signs and symptoms of when/if i need to come in, she has been so supportive of me doing this natural at home. she cautioned me that if the baby died a few weeks ago, i could expect "pieces" rather than a little body, i'm glad she told me so i could make decisions for my emotional health. i told one of my friends i was choosing natural and he didn't even realize there was any other way, bless him, so he's been one of my supports during this.

this has been much, much, much harder than my previous miscarriage. i am so tired of the word "miscarriage" let alone "spontaneous abortion." too clinical and cold. this has been simply "the end of my pregnancy." i have been giving birth, it's just a very early birth where the baby can't survive outside me, but Phoenix has been with me long enough to already be a huge influence on me and my daughter. i believe everything happens for a reason. without surgery, my hormones are ramping down slowly and naturally, even now i'm still enjoying some fibromyalgia pain remission and some pregnancy bliss. i've also been trying to count my blessings, one is that i got to experience a vaginal birth with this baby, but it took 2 days for that to sink in emotionally.

(edited to add right now i just feel so lucky that my body works normally, and that i've learned to trust my own body and instincts. i hope to pass that attitude on to my daughter.it's hard sometimes not to feel judgmental when i see women running to doctors and electing to have surgical procedures for things that are totally natural (unless they're need emergency care) but i have to respect every woman's choices. i remember with my daughter's birth, we were at a teaching hospital and they asked if interns and nursing students could come in and observe and ask questions, my nurse explained "none of them have ever seen a natural birth" and i was like, "wha..?! yeah, let 'em in!" (though i would have kicked them out when i went into transition for real, that's just too intimate a time) why is our reproductive health so veiled in mystery?

positive things being said ... this has been awful to go through alone. i mean AWFUL.  i feel so guilty for feeling "relieved" i'm not having a baby at my age, with my health, and with the ex as the father 

i couldn't do what i did with my first natural miscarriage, i couldn't live in the bathroom or get noisy. i hid as much of the messy/loud physical stuff as i can from my daughter. she's old enough to know what a moon-time is, what a pad is, why i bleed monthly and how she will too someday. she's not hung up about it at all. since the miscarriage started, she cried really hard with me one night, yelled "it's not fair! i want a baby brother!" and cried herself to sleep in my arms, next morning she's going around talking to her "angel-baby Phoenix." my intuition told me not to disrupt her view of the experience.

during the extreme bleeding, clots and pieces, i bit into a towel and tried not to yell loudly and to keep my voice toned down low, growling. (it helps me to not tighten up with the pain, i get high-pitched and the pain gets bad.) i used my doula's techniques, like saying "ragdoll" every time i've tensed up, and going limp all over. i stayed in bed, kept moving pillows and myself around, did yoga like cat/dog and just rocked back and forth a lot with low moaning. pads still felt horrible up against me, i felt a huge need to bleed freely. but my daughter needed the bathroom a few times, i didn't want her to see that much blood and clots and be scared. i found a big old beach towel i keep for hair-coloring to kneel over. luckily this labor followed the same pattern as last time, slowing down when i lay down, and the heaviest stuff being at night, except for a few strong surges during the day with gushes of blood.

i was absolutely terrified to pass the baby in an in-tact sac, i don't know why though. i didn't know if i'd freak out and scream with grief, what if my daughter needs the bathroom at that moment, will i have the courage to fish through the blood (never thought of putting a colander in the toilet), a zillion worries zipping through my head and i noticed the pain was getting worse and worse, literally said "STOP!" to myself and got back to the business of birthing this baby. i flushed whenever the toilet seemed full of blood and just kept focused on not waking my daughter.

i'm 99% sure last night was the active labor and birth, because i felt waves of relief washing over me after passing a lot of small clots and then the last of three large pieces. (can't call it a "clot" but don't want to say "possible body part") after that, i got weirdly giggly and an endorphin rush. very lucky my girl didn't need to use the bathroom during those hours! i felt this big urge to push, bear down hard, i could feel the contractions helping but a "stuck" feeling also right before a big clot would pass. with each clot passing i felt that weird slippery feeling as with my last miscarriage, except 10 times more intense, i can't really describe it. perhaps it's just part of how vaginal birth feels? i started looking at everything at one point, it was mostly liver-ish-looking with some red, brown and some pale purple-ish tissue, but i chose not to look so closely as to see a hand or foot since i realized this birth was broken up and not whole. then i gave up looking. it was hard to accept, but my body chose this way to birth this baby so i have to believe there's a reason for it. a friend came over and kept me company for about 4 hours, rubbed my back and pressed on it when i asked. after the 3rd large piece, i had a steady bright red flow and my back stopped hurting, but my hip joints felt sore, i laid down and my flow stayed heavy but it didn't feel like it was soaking through a whole pad quickly. my friend said i zonked out asleep in mid-sentence! i actually slept 6 full hours (extremely rare for me, aches and pains keep me up) and woke up refreshed! but with a pad overflowing, bleah. even now i still have some adrenaline and endorphins running, i felt like pacing and cleaning a lot today, took 2 short walks.

today i have a medium red flow with the brownish stringy stuff, no real clots, but with no cramps. i felt a wave of sadness, those waves of pain meant i was still pregnant. same flow tonight, no cramps. my breasts are still huge and tender, they bothered me a LOT today, reminded me of breastfeeding my daughter, and i keep crying. now i wish the entire baby had been born at once, i read other women's stories about how perfect and tiny they are and it seems it'd be easier to bury, grieve, mourn and move on. then again who knows? i didn't save anything, i just kept feeling i need to concentrate on my daughter and how she's not so upset about the miscarriage, but she might be if she caught me all bloody or if i went to bury something - my gut told me that would not be a healing thing for her. gotta follow my gut with my amazing girl. i checked in with my midwife today and we agreed all seems well, my temp was at 100 last night but normal again this morning. she said put my feet up, keep hydrated, rest, keep taking my iron supplements. i can't be 100% sure it's all over, i mean there could be small parts of tissue inside, but i feel like it's over. maybe all that pushing helped? i guess i'll bleed like a period for a week or two, like last time.

i feel blessed i got to experience a vaginal birth no matter how much it sucks to be empty with no baby in my arms. i feel guilty i didn't want to view the baby. i feel stifled that i had to keep so quiet and keep going back and forth from bed to bathroom. i feel empty but somehow okay inside. i feel totally sad and wish i could have a primal scream of upset-ness. i feel blessed at re-connecting with my daughter's pregnancy and birth and being able to share it with her, we both needed that beauty. i refuse to feel like i did anything wrong or strange or weird by choosing to do this at home.

(edited to add at this point, my flow is identical to the lochia i experienced after the birth of my daughter. i feel far more fatigue and aches and pains than before, so i know the beneficial hormones are leaving. crap. i'm still having the baby dreams. i'll go in for one hcg quantitative, probably a week from Monday, unless my temp. goes back up or i have some other unpredictable sign of infection. i am just SO damn happy to avoid clinical instruments, cold lights and putting my feet up in stirrups!


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## BerryMac

*My Pregnancy Loss*

***very detailed, very graphic, very long.*

This pregnancy was unexpected, but not unwanted. My husband had reservations, but those were easing by my 6th week. I had an EDD of February 26, 2012. I was looking forward to a possible Leap Day baby. I was waiting for my first midwife appointment, scheduled for July 21st.

I didn't have many symptoms with this pregnancy, just exhaustion, hunger, thirst, and sore nipples when my DD nursed. The (almost) lack of symptoms didn't really worry me, because my 1st pregnancy was similar. I lucked out in the morning-sickness area.

Looking back, the few symptoms I did have this time around abated at some point in the beginning of my 6th week. I didn't really notice at the time.

On Wednesday, July 6, I had strange perineum pain, like a shooting pain that intensified when I changed positions or got up from a seated position. It reminded me of my labour with my first child and I was worried. I also had cramps first thing in the morning, which I attributed to the very loose stools I experienced shortly afterward. The perineum pain had disappeared by Thursday morning.

Thursday evening, I was surfing for baby carriers and thru Kijiji (like Craigslist in the US) had found a woman nearby who makes them. She was selling wraps for $15 each (which is a GREAT price) and sent her off an email. I had to pee, so I got up to go into the bathroom&#8230;.and saw bright pink blood on the toilet paper, and a dime-sized spot of red on my underwear. I was SHOCKED.

I had zero bleeding with my first pregnancy, so I was immediately very scared. But it was late, close to midnight, and I didn't want to "bother" my midwife at that point. So I tried to relax, and went to bed.
The next morning, the TP was free of blood the first time I peed, so I relaxed. But an hour later when I went in again, there it was - and stronger than before. I paged the on-call midwife. She told me it could be anything, and since I didn't have cramps (I mentioned the perineum pain and cramps from Wednesday but she didn't seem concerned) she wasn't able to offer a definitive answer. She said I could go to an Urgent Care Clinic, make an appointment for the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU) for the following week, or wait and see what happens. I said I'd wait and see.

I bled all day. Like a light- to medium-flow period. It's hard to judge exactly how much blood I lost, because I use cloth pads with dark surface fabric, but there was a large amount each time I wiped, and drops fell into the toilet as I would pee. I was getting more and more worried, and I found the "Exactly what to expect with a m/c" thread on MDC. I started reading and was very sad and cried off and on all day Friday.

Friday night, I decided I wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable, if the baby was dead&#8230;I wanted to KNOW. So I decided to go to the Emergency Room. At that point, the Urgent Care Clinic (which would have been more appropriate and I would have gotten better service) was closed. I had to wait until after my husband came home from work to stay with our daughter. I ate dinner first, because I knew I'd be there for a while. My husband and daughter (and dog) dropped me off at the ER and my friend would bring me home. They drove off. My daughter had asked all the way there why I was going, when I was going to be home, and if they were going to cut me up. I have no idea where she got that. She's three and very intuitive. I understand now she was very upset at leaving me there.

I walked in between 1900 and 1930 hrs, and my heart sank to see that every seat was filled. It's a big hospital, in a large city (350 thou plus) and the wait board said "6 hour wait for non-urgent cases." I waited until 2000 hrs triaged, got registered, and the triage nurse drew 3 vials of blood. I went out to the waiting room and my friend showed up about half an hour later. Around 2100 hrs, another friend of mine (a doula) showed up and offered me a shot of whiskey to help relax me and hopefully stop the (undetectable to me) contractions that were making me bleed. She said one shot wouldn't hurt a viable baby, and if some other reason/irritation was causing the bleeding, it might save the pregnancy. I figured, at that point, that I would try anything, and it wasn't going to hurt. I went back into the ER to wait.

At midnight, I decided to go home. At 2200 hrs, they had changed the sign to read "8-hr wait," I had been there for 5 hours, and figured a good night's sleep would be better for me than waiting even longer just to hear my beta hcg level. They had already said they wouldn't do an ultrasound because there wasn't a tech on duty. So I had basically wasted my entire night. My friend drove me home.

I ended up falling asleep around 0200 hrs.

Saturday, July 9, the bleeding was even heavier. More like a medium period. I called the on-call midwife around noon and was on the phone with her when my husband got home from work (he works half days on Saturdays and Mondays). She didn't seem optimistic, given the rate of flow. I had also seen some small clots, similar in size to those I saw during a regular period - about ½ cm across and smaller. She told me how much blood is "too much" (soaking a pad front to back and side to side within 20 minutes, 2 in a row) and said to expect a heavy period with cramps/labour pains. I wasn't overly worried, just hoped it would be over soon.

My husband had been invited to a friend's campground for Kids Day - he was asked to do an RC helicopter demo for the kids. There would be swimming, kite building/flying, and a BBQ. We had all planned on going, but I couldn't bear to be out somewhere and end up having to deliver my baby in some latrine, so I asked him to take her and go. The dog and I stayed home.

I slept from about 1500 hrs to 1800 hrs. I got up and re-heated previous night's dinner (Indian - yum) and took it outside to eat and read the "Exactly what to expect" thread. I was feeling mild cramps at that point. I think I had felt some previously, but nothing severe. Ones that are indistinguishable from poop cramps, if you know what I mean. (I had been suffering from intermittent constipation, so that's nothing new).

I knew at that point that I should expect to lose the baby for sure. Before I got cramps, I could pretend it was possibly something else happening, but once I felt cramps, I knew.

My neighbour came out (she's awesome) and I talked to her for a bit. My husband and daughter got home around 2000 hrs and my husband carried my DD inside (she was sleeping) and up to bed. I gathered my stuff and followed them in.

I had to go to the grocery store, so I left. I could feel some heavier bleeding when I stood up from the car, but nothing terrible. I was a little afraid that I'd suddenly have a big bleed, like some women described, so I hurried. I went to the beer store, too - I had originally planned to get wine (there's a wine store right in the grocery store) but I arrived too late (2110 hrs) and it had closed. So I had to drive about 4 km to the closest beer store that would still be open. Basically, the idea was that, if I was going to miscarry, I wanted to be able to numb myself. But I wouldn't drink it until/unless I had an actual event that caused me to believe I had lost the baby for good. When I stood up out of the car, I felt a small gush of blood, and thought, "Please God, not here," and went inside. Of course there was a long line. I made it through and drove home.

I got home close to 2200 hrs and put away the groceries, then sat on the couch for a minute with my daughter, who had woken up while I was gone. She wanted to nurse. I felt like I had to pee, so I went into the bathroom. While in there, I felt the need to push and out plopped a big clot. I called my husband to get a pyrex bowl, a colander, and a slotted spoon. I scooped the clot out of the toilet and looked at it - but it was just a clot. I flushed it.

Shortly after that (just before 2230 hrs), I felt stronger cramps - but nothing painful. More like period cramps. I knew it was my body trying to get something out, so I went into the bathroom. I had read of a woman using a menstrual pad to catch what came out when she pushed, so I used toilet paper. I put it against me and pushed just a little - there was no pain - and out came a piece of tissue about two inches by three inches. It was irregular shaped and coloured like liver. It was smooth on one side and grainy on the other. It was thicker in spots, especially against one edge. It was fairly thin - only a couple millimeters. It was the placenta. There were some egg-whiteish areas that I think were the sac. I didn't see a baby. At that point, I would have been 6w7d.

I was very calm. I put the placenta into the pyrex bowl and called in my husband. We both looked at it. I should say here that I never experienced the "rush" of blood following delivery of clots or placenta like some women. I think that it's because I had bled so heavily for the 2 days previous that there just wasn't as much to come out.

My daughter saw it too, but I didn't want her to be scared. We didn't really tell her much. I had said over the previous two days that "Mama and the baby are sick" so she would let me rest, but nothing aside from that.
I didn't shed any tears. Not then.

I called my doula friend and she said to keep the placenta in case the midwife wanted to see it.
I paged the midwife again (same one I had talked to earlier that day) and told her what had happened. I was very matter-of-fact and unemotional. I think she was surprised at my lack of emotion, but she was very professional. She said she didn't need to see the placenta, and suggested I do a follow-up with the EPAU and said she'd get a referral going for me. They'd check for remaining tissue, confirm there wasn't a viable pregnancy still in there, and take blood to make sure my hcg was dropping from Friday.

I went out into the kitchen and got a beer. I carried it into the living room, and DD said,
"There's no baby in your belly anymore?" I was stunned. How did she know? But then I remembered that I had told her that I couldn't drink beer because I had a baby in my belly. That was 2 months earlier, almost - and here I was, holding a beer. She had made the connection. Amazing. Like I said, she's my intuitive girl.

I got a little drunk - I drank every single one of those 6 beers and read more loss stories on the MDC forum. Then I realized I was hungry and cooked two sausages. Just after they were done cooking, my husband stumbled out to go to the bathroom and I had a bit of a crying spell in his arms, then I was fine. He went back to bed.

About an hour or so later, I went to bed. As I lay there, it hit me - my baby was gone, dammit! My sobs and wails woke up my husband, but not our daughter (who co-sleeps). I crawled around the bed and wrapped myself in his arms, and just sobbed. I got too hot and went back to my side of the bed (DD sleeps in the middle because I get too hot when I'm sandwiched). I continued to sob and wail for quite a while. I don't know how long. Finally I stopped and went to sleep.

I've not cried since.

Sunday I bled just as heavily (a medium flow) with occasional small clots. Nothing baby-like, so either it already came out in a clot, was inside the placenta, was decomposed enough that it was indistinguishable, or there never was one in the first place (blighted ovum). We'll never know.

I called the midwives around 1000 hrs this morning (Monday) since they hadn't called me with the referral info and the admin gave me the # for the unit. I called and made the appointment for Wed afternoon. The admin told me my hcg levels from Friday night - 687. Way too low for being 6w6d. So it had ended at some point before Friday.

We had a chiropractor appointment today. We go every two weeks, and talking to my chiro's wife really helped (she works as business manager). She's very practical, like me, and says I don't really need to go to the follow-up appointment, since they'd just prescribe Misoprostal if there happens to be any remaining tissue. I have no intentions of taking it, so why bother?? I might go, I'm worried about a possible haemorrhage caused by retained clots (happened after my daughter's birth) preventing the uterus from shrinking back down to normal size. I might see about an herbal treatment to help, if I decide not to attend the ultrasound appointment.

I continue bleeding like a medium-flow period, with occasional large-ish (cherry sized) clots plopping out into the toilet.

The thing that shocks me the most, aside from the complete lack of physical pain, is the almost complete lack of emotional pain. I don't know if I'm numb, in denial, or what. Is this one of the early stages of grief? Will I be paralyzed with grief in a couple days? I don't know. All I know is, I don't feel what I expected to feel. Does that make me a terrible person?

I'm sad that I'll never know if the little one was a boy or girl (I feel it was a boy, but people have been wrong before). I'm sad that I'll never meet him or her, and all of the potential that has been lost - an entire lifetime of memories.

But I'm ok.


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## KristaDJ

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Thank you for sharing your story. Women experience all sorts of emotions after a loss. Some women feel like they never stop grieving and some feel like they aren't sad enough. It doesn't make you a terrible person. I have experienced different levels of grief with all of my losses and to be honest, my first one did not bother me emotionally. It was a blighted ovum so I never felt or saw a baby and I just did not connect to the pregnancy. I would not expect crippling grief to come but I would not be surprised by it either, we all react differently <3 I'm so sorry for your loss


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## BerryMac

KristaDJ - Thank you. I never felt as connected emotionally with this one, either - compared to with my daughter, where I felt connected even before I confirmed I was pregnant. Not seeing a baby's heart beating on an u/s or hearing it through the fetoscope makes it a little less-real, too. Easier.

I've read about your losses. I'm so sorry.


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## thecountrymouse

I miscarried a couple days ago, I was 9 weeks pregnant. My due date was around Valentines Day. This was my second pregnancy. I have a 6 year old daughter.

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days. I had a tablespoon of bright red blood during my first examination. I had lots of cramps that weren't painful, just felt like tugging. The midwife ordered an ultrasound right after seeing the blood. I saw the baby. There was a heartbeat and the little bean was wiggling around. It was cute. My pregnancy was going really well. I had symptoms but it was so much mellower than my first pregnancy. With my daughter I was so sick, I threw up for 6.5 months and lost almost 20 lbs. This pregnancy I was super tired at night, I had to pee constantly, everything smelled gross but it was nothing to how awful I felt with my first pregnancy. With my first pregnancy I never thought miscarriage would happen. It just didn't occur to me to worry about it, especially because I was so sick. This time, though, I knew it could happen. I am older now and I have had tons of friends who have miscarried. I was careful to only tell people if it came up in conversation but then after seeing the heartbeat, I was told that there is a slimmer chance of miscarriage so I told a couple more friends.

This past Tuesday morning while in the shower, I had a string of blood come out of me. I screamed, washed it off and forgot about it. On Wednesday morning while in the shower, there was much more blood. It was brown and red. I woke my husband up and called the prenatal center. I went right in to the prenatal center and had an examination with a doctor. She said my uterus was enlarged which was a positive sign. I had just started showing, barely. My pants were tight and there was a firm roundness at the bottom of my belly. There was some brown blood during the examination. I immediately had an ultrasound. It was so awful. My husband and my good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, were there. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything. I couldn't see the screen but my husband and friend could. I said, "You'll tell me if you see a heartbeat, right?" and the tech didn't answer. I said something again and the tech turned to my friend and asked if she worked at the prenatal center. She said yes and the tech pointed out the head and the chest to my friend while not showing me the screen. It was one of the worse moments of my life, like the phone call that my dad had died. Just awful. The tech not saying anything was the confirmation that there wasn't a heartbeat. My husband started crying. I asked the tech if she was sure there wasn't a heartbeat and she said that since I already had an ultrasound and knew what it looked like that she would show me. So she turned the screen towards me and pointed out the still body and the chest with no heartbeat. The baby was much bigger than the first ultrasound. Oh, it was the worst. So heartbreaking. I've wanted to be a mother since I was two and realized that I wasn't my mom but my own separate person. I remember that moment, toddling around with my homemade rag doll and wanting a real baby of my own. I am so grateful to have my daughter. I can't imagine the pain of going through this and not having another child. My heart goes out to the women who read this and have that experience.

After the ultrasound I met with the doctor and we talked about my options. I knew that I did not want a natural miscarriage. I wanted to be knocked out and have a D & C. This goes drastically against my usual nature and if you knew me, you would be surprised by this choice. I am a very natural person but I couldn't handle any more pain in life. I've never been able to disconnect from pain, I feel everything and it those feelings don't go away. I can still feel all the pain and all the joy I've ever felt. This was too much. My good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, suggested this older man doctor. We walked to his office. He did another examination and I started bleeding and cramping. It was so sad. This doctor explained how the D & C would happen and what I could expect. He said I would be pretty out of it after wards but that the next day I would be at about 80% of my usual self.

After that, my husband left to get our daughter. He spent the day with her at home. He asked me if it was OK if he told our daughter that I wasn't pregnant anymore. We talked for a little while about how to explain this to a 6 year old. We decided to be brief and honest.

My good friend had to back to work for a little while. I walked to the hospital and registered for the surgery. I was crying the whole time. These really sweet women found a secluded cubby where I could fill out the paperwork. My mom showed up while I was registering. Someone brought us to the surgery center and we were put in a curtained off area. At this point it was about noon. A nurse brought me a Xanax and I slept for awhile. I had to wait until 4pm to have the D & C. My mom and I just hung out in our little curtained room for several hours. Nurses would come in and check on me. I was hooked up to an IV with fluid and antibiotics. I was given some nasty tasting medicine to help digest the little breakfast that I had eaten. I was bleeding more and more and having terrible cramps. The Xanax was really important, took the edge off of everything. One of the nurses had lost a baby at 12 weeks and had a D & C. She was very kind, all the nurses were so sweet to me. I cried the whole time. When it was time for the D & C, a man nurse gave me one of those stupid blue shower caps to wear. The anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. The man nurse and the anesthesiologist wheeled me into the surgery center. My old man doctor was in there. I live in a rural area and the surgery room was straight out of some other era. My sweet old man doctor talked to me for a little while, I can't remember what about. I was still crying. The male nurse held my hand while the anesthesiologist put a mask on my face and told me to breathe. I remember tears running down the side of the mask and the male nurse holding my hand. Next thing I remember, I was waking up back in the little curtained room and my mom was there. Even though the D & C didn't take long, maybe 15-20 minutes, I was knocked out for an hour. My mom and I stayed at the hospital for an hour and a half. I was bleeding a little after the D & C. I was given a prescription for Cytotec, a medicine that makes the uterus contract. I took the Cytotec for one day. I had light bleeding for two more days. But that was the end of the miscarriage.

Having a D & C was the right choice for me. I didn't want to miscarry at home. I didn't want my daughter to see any of that. I didn't want to do a bunch of bloody laundry. I just wanted to be taken care of and I was. I was treated like a queen. I didn't feel much physical pain and there wasn't much blood. The emotional pain was bad enough. This miscarriage has been awful. Not just for me, but for my husband, my daughter, my sisters, my mom and my in laws. My husband is an only child. I'm the only one of my siblings who can have a child. I pray that someday my little sister will be healthy enough to conceive. We all want another child in our family. So badly. I can't imagine the future. Right now I can only grieve this loss.


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## organicmamacafe

I know this is an old thread but it's so important and meaningful for woman to talk about this! Thank you for sharing your stories.

My miscarriage took place when I was about 12 weeks along. I was just getting to that "whew! Made it!" feeling when...spotting. I knew immediately it was the end of the pregnancy though my midwife told me not to anticipate the worst. I just knew in my heart, you know?

I had a severe hemorrhage and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where my blood pressure hovered between 50-60 for several hours while the staff administered pitocin and tried to manually clean out my uterus. After they realized it wasn't working and I continued to lose blood and kept losing consciousness, they transferred me to the ICU where I received 2 blood transfusions and an emergency D&C. Thankfully, it worked.

I wrote more about my experience at my blog http://www.organicmamacafe.com/?p=129 and a little more about healing too.

The upside is - it is not common to hemorrhage in a miscarriage (according to my doc and midwife) but it can go badly very quickly without intervention. If you soak through more than one or two large pads in an hour, get help.

I didn't see my baby. All that I could distinguish was lots of tissue and blood. I am not sure if it would have made it easier or harder to say goodbye. Though I miss my baby and dread starting over, I have to say I am mainly grateful to be alive.


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## Laggie

I started spotting at 12 weeks pregnant - it started out pinkish/brownish but after a couple of days it became bright red. I talked to my midwife, I was hoping it would turn out okay but she sounded worried.

At 13 weeks (on a Thursday) I went in for the ultrasound we had scheduled. That was when we found out the bad news - the doctor said the baby was very small and there was no heartbeat. By its size, he thought that it had died at around 9 weeks. He said that it would be best if I could wait it out and have a natural miscarriage. I was in shock, I had no idea the baby could die but that I could continue having pregnancy symptoms for a month.

The following night (a Friday) I had some cramping and the bleeding got a bit heavier, but Saturday and Sunday it was back to just spotting/light bleeding. On Monday night I went home from work early, and as soon as I lay down in bed I started to have intense cramps. For the rest of the afternoon and evening I kneeled on the floor leaning on the couch, with a heating pad on my belly. It was painful and I was passing a lot of blood and medium sized clots. I went to bed around 11 pm and the cramping stopped, so I was hoping the miscarriage was over.

On Tuesday I just had light bleeding all day, with a lot of very slippery feeling clear fluid - maybe amniotic fluid? But then on Tuesday night, I woke up around midnight with cramping that was quite a bit worse than the night before. The heating pad wasn't helping anymore. I kept wanting to sit on the toilet and push, but when I did that I started to have really intense pain around the perineum area like I was hurting myself, so I just tried to walk around and went back to leaning on the couch. After about an hour and a half, I was feeling like the pain was on my bladder - I felt like I should pee but it wasn't happening. Eventually I tried to stop pushing and relax that area and try to urinate - and that's when there was a weird popping feeling and a little bit of urine came out. The cramping stopped immediately and I reached down and pulled away a chunk of tissue.

I am not really sure what it was - I feel like it was mostly placenta but I don't know what it should look like. Most of it was kind of grey/whitish, almost like the skin from raw chicken. On one side there was a dark red/brown piece that looked like a chicken liver (sorry for the chicken analogies but that is what came to mind). I looked through it all but nothing looked like a fetus. The whole thing fit into the palm of my hand, it wasn't very big.

When it first came out I felt like flushing it, but then I thought I would regret it, so I wrapped it up and took it out in the backyard and buried it under a tree. When I did that, I had a strong feeling that I was carrying on a painful tradition of women over millions of years... "All My Relations" were there with me, so to speak. There is a full moon this Saturday so I think I will have a little ceremony then. I'm not usually into that sort of thing but it feels right to me.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats

Bumping for all of our new sisters and those who find themselves here again.

Love, peace, and light to you all.

~Rose


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## stegenrae

Tuesday 1/3/12 (12w6d):

I'm supposed to be 13w pg tomorrow (Wed), but we found out at our ultrasound last night that the embryo/fetus never developed past 8 weeks. (Isn't 8w the transition to fetus-status? add that detail to my confusion at relaying my experience; I don't even know what to call it.) I'd spotted bright red last Thursday (*right* before boarding the plane back home to MO from Florida), but then it stopped as soon as it began, and I didn't feel any cramping. Just took it easy, spotted a teeny bit of brown on Sunday, and waited for my first mw appt yesterday (Mon) afternoon. When she couldn't find the hb, it didn't send any red flags up, really--she has a less powerful doppler, and I was going to have an u/s that evening anyway. We just chatted, dh got comfortable with her (she's a friend of mine, but he didn't know her), and the boys (6 and 3) got to talk about being big brothers. At the u/s (dh and the boys were with me), the tech tried an abdominal u/s, but barely got anything--what she got was a small blip that wasn't moving; that much I could tell. We switched to transvaginal, and I could immediately tell it was way too small, not as developed as it should be, there was no blood flow or hb, and certainly nothing was moving. I now note she didn't turn the video recorder on for the transvag... She measured & said baby had stopped developing sometime around 8w. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. She works with my mw a lot, and called her, then asked me to call her after I'd left. The boys were sad, dh was sad, I was sad--we talked about how it meant the baby wasn't alive and we wouldn't have a baby this summer, and that was certainly something to be sad about. My 6yo seems to be having a harder time than I thought he would; he repeats several times a day how sad he is that we're not having a baby. We hug, I commiserate, rinse, repeat. When he asks why the baby died, I say it's because it wasn't just perfect--the DNA didn't come together to make a baby that could live. I hope he understands (says he does)...but even though *I* understand, it doesn't make it any easier for my heart. I almost feel duped--I'd sworn that I'd felt movement the past couple days. After reading, I know that those were uterine spasms, but that's what gave me peace of mind before the u/s.

I'd been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy since about 3-4w. We'd been TTC for about 18 mos (minus 2 that I did a detox in the middle there), and suspected some hormonal imbalances/deficiencies, so when I had a healthy BFP, I practically ran to my OB office for a progesterone level. It was deemed "normal," but was on the absolute lowest end, so I opted to supplement. I wonder now if that's why I still haven't actually had the m/c. Not that I'd change that, but this limbo is tough--I've been carrying around a dead baby for a month & would like to have physical closure now that I think I've worked through the mental part of where I am right in this moment.

Where I am is having taken a couple doses of black/blue cohosh and cotton root bark tinctures to get contractions started. I've been wiping pink for nearly the whole day, and it seems to have increased a bit this evening and been accompanied by some very light cramps. I'll continue the tinctures through tomorrow, and hopefully the process of birthing my loss will begin soon thereafter (if not before). I have a chux pad under my sheet on the bed JIC I wake up with bleeding tonight. I'm concerned that since it's been a month already, that if I don't complete the m/c soon, I may end up with an infection or d&c. I do have misoprostol in case it's not completed by this weekend, but hope not to have to use it. DH and I discussed tonight that we'd like to see and touch and bury our baby if at all possible (I told him that it is probably already broken-down some), so a d&c would not give us the healing and closure we'd like.

Thursday, 1/5/12 (13w1d):

A couple days later, and I finished the tincture protocol, even thought I'd pass everything last night, but the contractions petered out. I've read over half of the stories in the "what to expect" stories thread (boy, it's LONG  ), and I assume I can expect it to pick up again tonight, right? [edit: it didn't; nothing happened at all] I feel like I've been in limbo for too long already--I've grieved as much as I can at this stage & feel like I need the loss to be completed before I can move through any more. I kind of just want someone to tell me that I will finish the physical process of miscarrying tonight... Or how many days/nights of "almost" birthing your loss it might take... Or what to expect with a home cytotec/misoprostol induction...

Friday, 1/6/12 (13w2d):

I did another "day 2" of the black and blue cohosh tinctures, and contractions were moderate, but bleeding was tapering off late in the evening. I was going to do cytotec at 9pm, but my less-than-helpful husband kept the boys up later despite my constant "they need to get in bed NOW" commentary. (I couldn't do it b/c I was contracting, of course.) Since my contractions weren't going away, but not getting any more intense or closer together, I decided I'd add cytotec at 10 instead. (400mcg sublingually, per WHO guidelines; I couldn't do vaginal since I was bleeding, and hadn't had a bm yet, so didn't want to do rectal in case it was "wasted" in short order) I took it along with 2 meclizine (antiemetic) and 800mg ibuprofen. The cytotec crumbled pretty easily under my tongue, but just kind of stayed there, so after a good 20 min, I had to swallow it with a swig of water (the taste wasn't as bitter as some meds I've tasted). I gathered things like orange juice, water, a book, my phone, a couple of chux pads, extra towels, and headed upstairs to my bathroom. I had been hydrating like mad all day, so decided to just sit on the toilet and pee/bleed while I was contracting. I'd flush when the blood made the water too dark to see through. About an hour after the cytotec, the contractions got much more intense (incidentally, 60min is the blood peak of misoprostol when taken sublingually; sublingual administration also maintains a higher concentration in the blood for a longer period of time than the higher/faster peak of oral administration). I passed a few marble-sized clots, then moved between the toilet and squatting/sitting on the chux pad for the next couple hours. Then I felt like I might have a bm, so got back on the toilet, and I did, but at the end of it, my waters broke into the toilet, too. Immediately, I got off the toilet and onto the chux pad, then flushed the toilet. When the amniotic sac had broken, I felt immediate relief, and didn't really have any more heavy contractions. Once I was squatting on the floor again, I felt a teeny ctx and pushed only slightly; that's when the embryo/fetus came out. I stopped what I was doing, picked it up, and looked at it closely. It had begun to deteriorate a little bit, mostly the arm/leg buds. DH squirted contact solution on it to slide it gently off my hand and into a Ziploc baggie. It was no bigger than my pinkie fingertip, maybe even smaller. We looked at it a bit more, and I realized that the head hadn't completely fused--there was a hole between the eyes, and another dark spot at the top of the head. Immediately, I felt gratitude that the pregnancy had ended; this clearly couldn't have grown into a baby, much less a healthy one. I'd had a strong feeling that the pregnancy ended because of a physical anomaly, and I was right. Then DH and I talked about everything, and I answered some biological questions he had (why the pgcy continued even after the embryo/fetus stopped, how it got so far along in the first place even without having a fully fused nuchal tube, etc). Then I realized I hadn't checked on how the labor was progressing & see if the placenta was ready to come. I thought I was passing a clot that had just sort of dried stuck to me while we looked at the embryo, but when I reached down to touch it, it was meaty, and I realized it was the placenta, but it wasn't budging. I realize now how fortunate we are that the embryo didn't fall out into the toilet when the amniotic sac burst. While we waited, I realized I was starving & had dh bring me some lunch meat and a piece of leftover pizza, and drank my orange juice. Fast forward an hour, and while I'm texting with my mw about how to get it to come out even though I don't have any ctx and bearing down wasn't working...it finally just plopped out. (after I'd reached up past my cervix to sweep and see if it was still attached right there or something; it wasn't) I'd trickled blood for that hour around the placenta, but was afraid it was blocking a lot more, so wouldn't let DH go to bed until after it had passed and I knew I wouldn't hemorrhage. I did tell him to lie down on the bathroom floor, though (he's very much NOT a night owl and is typically pretty much useless in the middle of the night, lol). Once the placenta came out, though, I didn't really have much bleeding.

Maybe there's a "part 2" to the labor that's around the corner to expel more of the blood, but I'm not having much more than a light-moderate period-like flow. Maybe my body absorbed much of the lining, though, too. The placenta didn't seem as meaty as I'd think, but I'm thinking that stopped growing before 8w, too, and possibly started breaking down, too...? I know the amniotic sac kept growing bc of the ultrasound we'd had, and I assume that's why it broke rather than coming out intact; it was a lot bigger than the rest of everything I passed. I had a brief rinse-off in the tub to get the dried blood off, then got in my pj's with a big postpartum pad on, and went to bed at 2:45am.

Saturday, 1/7/12:

I woke up at 8am to pee, and went back to sleep until noon. Got up and ate more food than I have in an entire day. I'm still feeling tired, dizzy if I stand for too long, and everything else you'd expect after a birth (except very little bleeding still, and of course, no baby). We have the placenta and embryo/fetus (I don't know that it reached a full 8w; seems like the buds weren't developed quite that much, so I'm not inclined to call it a fetus) in contact solution in the refrigerator. My mw will come by in the next couple of days to take my blood to monitor hcg levels, bp, temp, etc, and when I asked, she said she was interested in having a look at them. They're really fascinating!

Now I just wait to bleed and start the roller coaster of TTC again. We have plans to bury the placenta and embryo, but don't have specifics yet, and don't have a memory box put together yet. I'd like to take pictures of what we have, but don't know that I'll put those in a memory box.

Wednesday, 1/11/12:

Today was a pretty good day. Sunday seemed okay (still kind of numb, I think), but Monday was horrible. I had some computer problems that just sort of screamed at me as a reminder of how I had no control over anything and my anxiety just ramped up all day long. By evening, I was shaking and couldn't get to sleep. At 2:30am, I took one of dh's leftover hydrocodones in hopes that it would at least let me get some sleep...Bad idea, btw. It let me lose consciousness, but I wouldn't call it sleep, and certainly not restful; I had horribly disturbing dreams until I got out of bed at 9:30. Still had tons of anxiety/was shaking, but had appts and such yesterday, so I had to shower (always a positive step, lol). I cleaned my kitchen and did 4 loads of laundry before my midwife came for my hcg blood draw. I showed her the placenta (which also apparently grew to near-13w size) and fetus. I've since studied some embryology photos, and surmised that development was consistent with 8w+, but it was as small as 7w (there's a big jump in noticeable size between there). My theory is that development slowed significantly but still carried on until it simply couldn't. We looked at the teeny fetus and she saw the same malformations as I did. I also shared my anxieties with her, and she gently guided me back to my senses and toward natural solutions rather than toxic-in-the-long-run-no-matter-how-much-I-wanted-Xanax ones. I went to my naturopathic pharmacy and got some amino acids to help with restful sleep and relaxation (phosphatidylserine and L-theanine, in case you wonder; I was already taking GABA for calmness--which wasn't enough on its own). Taking those yesterday, I slept much better last night. Today I was pretty "normal" I think. Yesterday, I went to a homeschool field trip yesterday and could tell everyone was walking on eggshells around me. One woman asked me when I was due, and I was abrupt when I told her I'm not pregnant (I don't care for her much, anyway, though). I did talk about it with another friend, and it wasn't a difficult conversation at all, surprisingly. My bleeding has barely been more than streaking when I wipe, which I was concerned about (that I'm not bleeding enough), but my mw thinks it's normal, and after having seen my placenta, says I don't need to worry about not having passed everything. Even so, my hcg yesterday was still 226, at 3.5 days post labor/birth. I'm having another draw on Friday, and will continue to have draws every 3-5 days until it's zero. DH and I also had a conversation last night about the loss and how my body worked perfectly well...and how we will try again as soon as my cycle is normalized. I'm going to start temping next week when (hopefully) my sleep cycles are a little more normal.

I took photos of the placenta and fetus tonight. I think I have the correct link to share private photos here.


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## uconngurl82

Regarding the test, it takes a long time for your hormone levels to drop down after a miscarriage. The baby could have passed a long while ago but your body still has the hormone, which does not fully go back to normal for weeks sometimes after a miscarriage.


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## organicmamacafe

I wrote about my miscarriage and recovery on my blog. I wish I'd known how much blood was too much. Now I know.

Praying for those of you who have gone through this like me. I am grateful not to be alone in loss.

http://www.organicmamacafe.com/2011/02/a-miscarriage-and-an-unexpected-turn-of-events/


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## dayiscoming2006

Lost in September 2012:

I knew I was pregnant from the very first week we conceived. It was weird. I was having insomnia every night. I now think my insomnia was because of adding a life on top of iron and b12 deficiency that I haven't confirmed, but as soon as I started taking those, I have been sleeping through the night. I had the really bad hunger pains by a week and a half after conception and some other various things that confirmed my suspicions though I hadn't had a positive test yet. I got a positive test 2 weeks after I think I conceived. I told friends and family, thinking it'd be nice to have their prayers and support no matter what happens. I hoped I would never be someone that would have a miscarriage, but of course, you never know. I started to notice after a few days that the pregnancy tests were NOT getting much darker. I was only getting a faint line. I knew that might be bad. It never happened that I could remember with my other pregnancies. I started to feel less pregnant as well. My symptoms were going away. I started spotting a week after my positive test. I asked the midwife I had set an interview up for about it and she suggested implantation bleeding, but that made very little sense since I already had a positive test, but it was nothing still though I expected the worst. By the next day the bleeding picked up and was like a heavy period day. I felt so exhausted and sick and crampy. My cervix was getting painful cramps(dilation) and I felt like I was in early labor that day and the next. I still had quite a bit of pain for a couple more days after that, but the bleeding wasn't very much anymore. I passed penny sized clots during the time and smaller. The bleeding tapered off after 3 days and was just like a light period and then spotting that ended after 8 days. It was pretty heart breaking. My best friend doesn't think a woman should even know they are pregnant that early, but I always know with a test or not. I can't hide from the truth. I'm sad that it happened, but I hope to move forward and Lord willing, I hope to have more children. I had another friend that had an early miscarriage that wasn't spotted until she was 9 weeks, so I was able to find comfort talking with her. We understood each other. I feel mostly fine about it now, but I am pretty scared of it happening again and do feel sad when I think about it sometimes.

So, even an early miscarriage can be painful and not necessarily like a heavy period. I've had really heavy periods at times and this wasn't anywhere like it. It was more like early labor and period hanging out with each other.  I hope that helps if anyone finds themselves going through it.


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## Jennyanydots

We went in for our first US to check dates on Friday, September 21, and there was no heartbeat. It was incredibly sad. I thought I was about 11 weeks, but measurements showed the baby had stopped growing at about 6-7 weeks. So hard to think I was feeling excited about a new life that had been dead for weeks. I'd stopped feeling nauseous about 2 weeks prior to the US, and I was a little nervous about that but convinced myself nothing was wrong.

I began to bleed on Tuesday, the 25th. Steady, but a little lighter than a period. Then on Saturday, the 29th, I ran some errands before driving to pick my daughter up at a friend's house. At about 4:00 I started having intense cramps. They were very painful and really did feel just like labor contractions. I was still driving, though with difficulty (stupid, I know), and I looked at the clock every time they began and subsided. They were 3 minutes apart like clockwork and lasted about 1 min. I managed to get my daughter home and when I stood up to get out of the car it felt like my insides fell out. I had my daughter get my son into the house and I waddled into the bathroom. There was so much blood and tissue in my pants, I had completely soaked thru the jumbo overnight pad (I'd been wearing them in anticipation of a big mess) and my underwear.

I sat on the toilet and passed a lot of blood and tissue. I never looked at anything closely. And I just kept bleeding. It sounded like someone pouring water, so much blood. After a little while I started to think this really was abnormal. I put a pad in my bloody underwear and put them back on, and sat down again. I changed it again, and within ten minutes I'd soaked through 2 jumbo pads. So now I was sure I was bleeding more than enough to necessitate a call to the midwife.

I called her and she told me to lay in the bathtub and start a deep abdominal massage. The tub looked like a murder scene. The floor was covered in blood, the toilet smeared with it... I was crying and trying to clean up while making an even bigger mess. After about ten minutes the MW called back. My bleeding hadn't lessened, and she insisted on calling an ambulance because DP was at work and she was completely against my driving.

I called out to my daughters to bring me fresh pants and underwear, then cleaned up the bathroom as best I could. Mostly this consisted of wiping the floor and throwing everything in the bathtub. I didn't want the kids to see all the gore. I heard a siren approaching, so I emerged from the bathroom after being in there nearly 45 min, and told the girls what was going on. I just said that sometimes when you have a miscarriage you need a doctor 's help to stop bleeding, and that I needed help driving to the doctor, so that was why I was going by ambulance. I asked them to take care of DS and went out to meet the EMTs.

It was a fire truck & crew that met me. They had me sit on a chair on the porch and talked to me while we waited for the ambulance. I bled completely through 2 changes of clothes in the 20 minutes we waited. 2 pads layered each time, underwear, pants and all. It was humiliating to have those men see me with blood pouring down my legs.

And the blood just kept coming. At the hospital on the stretcher it pooled under me from my calves to my mid back. My sheets and the towels they placed between my legs were changed three times before I was taken for surgery. The OB on call informed me that they did not have any of my blood type, and she was only going to use O as a last resort. She also said that the fact that so much time had passed from the fetal demise to the miscarriage, the tissues and blood had become stickier and more difficult for my body to expel, and that was why I was hemorrhaging. I wish I'd been told this was a possibility- I would have scheduled a D&C rather than waiting to MC on my own.

The first dr we saw in the ER (DP met me there) was one of the most horrendously insensitive people I've ever met, and we are filing a complaint at the suggestion of the charge nurse who witnessed what happened. Because this is getting so long, I won't go into it here. The OB, and all the nurses, particularly in the L&D wing where they kept me overnight, were wonderful. In fact, it changed my mind a bit about hospital birth. If we do have another, that particular hospital will be a consideration.

Anyway, it's just over two weeks since the big day, and I'm still bleeding. Really hoping things will go back to normal soon. My hormones are crazy, too, and I've been depressed a lot- feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness... Not fun. Thanks for reading, if you were able to get through all that.


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## inthemeadow

Thank you for starting & bumping this thread. I am going through a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It has been so hard to educate myself about something that no one wants to talk about. Here's my pregnancy and miscarriage story.

I started to have suspicions I was pregnant on August 16, but didn't get a BFP until August 21. My husband and I were surprised and happy and began to educate ourselves on how this all works. On Sept 6, we went for an early ultrasound for dating and viability. We should have been 7 wks at that point but the fetal pole measured 5 wks. I began to worry because I was very sure of our dates, but we were told to come back for a follow up in a week or so and we'd see some development. I'd also been spotting, light pink or brown, since the end of August, but I was told not to worry about that, it can be normal for some pregnancies. I had been charting using CRM so I was still in the habit of examining after I wiped, so maybe I was picking up on very faint signs that could safely be ignored. I felt pregnant - sore breasts, vaguely motion sick most of the time, very fatigued - so I put it out of my mind and focused on the positives.

My husband and I decided to wait a little longer to go back for our follow up u/s so that we could see a definite change in the growth of the baby. At around 9 wks, my pregnancy symptoms started to lessen, and the frequency of my spotting began to increase. At 10 wks we went back for the second u/s, and there was an embryo, but it measured 6 wks. They spent a long time looking for a heartbeat and we were told there was a flicker. We were told there was a high probability of a miscarriage but that it could still go either way. I had an HCG test done that day as well and was 22,555 - my mw said the hormone level was normal, but the u/s was cause for concern.

At 11 wks, my pregnancy symptoms were negligible and the spotting changed and became more like brown bleeding. It stopped and started, was very minimal. I called the mw and she told me to prepare for a miscarriage. I started to pass long, thin, dark red clots - about the length of my pinky finger - once or twice per day. I hadn't had any cramping though, so I was still uncertain about what was going on. I rested and waited, and searched forums online to try to learn about what was going to happen. How much bleeding? How much pain? How big was this going to be? The only specific advice that I got was to go to Emergency if I filled a pad within an hour.

At 12 wks, we had the follow-up u/s again. We had delayed again, this time because I thought the miscarriage might have finished by the time I got to the appointment. Instead we saw that the embryo had no change, no flicker. It was still in the center of my uterus so the doctor said that the miscarriage hadn't really started at all. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. My HCG test measured 519. It was a relief to know for certain what was happening.The mw referred me to an "Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic" at a hospital, and gave me the details of the options for progressing the miscarriage. I could choose the D&C, the misopro... pill to induce, or just to wait and do it naturally. I again turned to the internet to try to understand what would happen with each of those options. I got some more practical advice, such as preparing for very heavy bleeding overnight (I put old sheets on our bed and put a plastic liner underneath to protect the mattress).

The next day, I began to have mild cramping like the first day of my period, and the bleeding started to increase. It never turned into a big steady flow for me. I was regularly passing clots the length of my pinky. The next day after that, I had moderate cramping, like the worst day of my period, and I passed some large clots, about half the size of my palm. Generally I was passing clots when I was having bowel movements. I was never instructed to retain any tissue for diagnosis, and I wasn't comfortable with trying to search for any remains. I thought, if I see it, I see it. If not, that's ok. (Again the practical details of saving the remains - like using a colander over the toilet - I had no idea.) I spoke often with the nurse at the EPL clinic and she said the clotting was the breakdown of the placenta. She said this day was the one when I had the"official" miscarriage, and that most likely, no other medical intervention would be required.

After the large clots, each day, I had moderate or heavy bleeding and mild cramping, like the first day of my period. It's been like that for 4 days now and is only slightly starting to taper. It's never been heavy enough to fill a pad so I know this is safe, it's just slower than I expected. The bleeding is bright red and looks pretty much like my normal period. Sometimes I still feel light gushes of it but I never had the contractions or very heavy flows that other ladies are describing.

My worst day was two days ago, after 3 more days of heavy bleeding. I felt physically worn out and emotionally drained. I'd had 5 days of the worst days of my period and I was getting tired of it. I wish it would be over and that I could get back to normal. However I am really glad that I didn't get the D&C or the pill. This miscarriage has progressed at its own rate, it's allowed me and my husband to process it one day at a time, .... much like the way the pregnancy began and ended as well. I had to learn how to surrender to the pregnancy and now I've surrendered to the miscarriage and this was the right choice for me, this time.

For most of the past 2 weeks I've worked from home. My symptoms were never strong enough that they would've physically prevented me from going into work, but I preferred the privacy of my own bathroom. I told my boss about the miscarriage and he was extremely sympathetic and supportive in giving me time off as I needed it.

My husband and I had announced the pregnancy to close friends and family, very early on, after about 6 weeks. We wanted to share our excitement and let them know why we were behaving differently, and we also knew there was a risk we'd have to tell them bad news. But we knew we could count on their support in the event of bad news, and this has been the case. In fact, we've expanded the circle of friends who know about the miscarriage now that we're going through it. For us, it felt better to acknowledge it. I can't imagine how difficult this is for women and families who suffer in silence. I'm very grateful for all the support we've had, from friends, family, as well as caregivers such as our midwife and the nurses at the EPL clinic.

I hope my story is helpful to anyone out there who is bracing for the worst and doesn't know what to expect. Everyone's different. This is a huge loss and I wish you strength and health and peace.


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## 1babysmom

Hadn't seen this thread before.

For me, miscarriages 1-5 were all very similar...just like a late, heavy period. My first was probably the worst, because it was the most shocking (not that the rest weren't as awful, but I just knew what to expect). Cramped like a normal period too, but I cramp a lot anyway. (with my very first one I also DID take methergine after an E.R. visit...miscarriage happened while we were on vacation. E.R. was terrible, asking if I was sure I was ever pregnant, how did I know, etc, then the vaginal u/s was terrible and made me bleed a HUGE gush afterward)

Miscarriage #6 was a MMC, we didn't find out until my 10 week u/s. Baby had passed a week and a half prior. I was adamant about avoiding a D&C so it was a full 2 weeks before my hCG dropped low enough for the process to begin. I had NO spotting or cramping or ANY signs of it happening until the night of 12 weeks, then I woke up in the night with full on contractions (literally, just like full-term labor) for about 45 minutes and then I passed the entire sac intact. The pain disappeared with that. I bled like a regular period for about a week more.

Miscarriage #7 was an ectopic. I had an empty uterus at my 6w5d u/s, but very clear tubes as well. My levels we dropping normally, and I started bleeding that same day, and my doctor assured me it was just a normal miscarriage. I bleed for a week...which WAS a "normal" miscarriage for me. EXCEPT there was zero cramping. At 8w3d I started to feel gassy, but without the gas. I had some dark red spotting/bleeding off and on. Called the nurse but she wasn't concerned. By that night the pain ceased. In the morning it was so bad, I barely got out of bed and just laid on the bathroom floor, unable to move and afraid I was going to vomit. Hubby (a medic) came home, MIL and FIL came over (RN and MD) and gave me zofran and a percocet for the pain, and then we decided hubby would call work so they could transport me to the E.R. (did NOT want to go in ourselves and have to lay on the waiting room floor in horrible pain) About an hour and a half later I was in the u/s room, and while she was scanning the pressure ruptured my tube. I went back to the ER and was into emergency surgery a bit later and had lost 800cc of blood by that point, and they removed an 8cm mass from my tube, as well as the tube itself. Couldn't do it laproscopically because of the extent of the bleeding and the damage, so I had a full 5" abdominal incision to recover from. Had NO bleeding or spotting after the surgery though. I DID suffer from some depression after this loss. Whether it was from the experience itself or from a culmination of 5 consecutive losses in 12 months, I don't know.


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## tremieli

Blighted Ovum, miscarried at 10.5 weeks

I want to keep this thread alive because it was very helpful to me and I think to many others.

I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum at my first OB appointment at 8 weeks. My midwife, who I hadn't met before, was extremely wonderful and caring as she told me. I felt very peaceful, and still do, and decided to wait to have a natural miscarrige, which the midwife supported. I had some bloodwork, which determined that my beta's were falling, and so I decided to wait for the inevitable. I read through this entire thread. Some of the stories are much more dramatic than what happen to me, so I want to share my story as an example of a relatively easy miscarriage.

I started spotting about 10 days after my appointment. i had some clots and some watery purplish bleeding, but it was not heavy. That went on from Friday to Tuesday. On Tuesday morning, I stopped spotting. I didn't believe my miscarriage was over, because I hadn't had much bleeding, and I expected it to start again.

In the late afternoon on Tuesday, I began to have some painful crams. Nothing like labor, as some woman have described, but more like really severe period cramps. After about an hour of cramps, I felt something move, and went to the bathroom and passed some huge clots followed by some blood. I think the clots were stuck and causing my pain, because the pain stopped after that. Then after another twenty minutes or so, I passed more clots and began bleeding at about the same level as a heavy period. I passed more clots about every twenty minutes for about three hours. I felt good and kept doing my regular activities between trips to the bathroom.

After the three hours, I mostly stopped bleeding and haven't had any pain. That was yesterday. I suspect my miscarriage is complete, and have an appointment on Friday to confirm. Overall, it wasn't frightening as I was expecting. The worst part was just waiting for it to begin and wondering how long it would take. I was very tired afterwards and went to bed early. I hope this helps someone as this thread has helped me.


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## M Anna

tremieli, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. I think that being able to read other women's stories does help because that's what I went looking for when I found out I was going to miscarry the first time. Today, in fact, is that little boy's second birthday. He was born at 12:30 AM while I labored in the bathtub. His story is here (it's at the bottom of the page).


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## hmbill

This thread was very helpful to me leading up to my recent miscarriage, so I want to share my story to "pay it forward". I want to preface this by saying that I am a biologist with a significant amount of pathology training...my reaction to my miscarriage is definitely colored by this.

We conceived the first month that we stopped trying not to. I was banking on a couple of months as a cushion, so I was pretty surprised that it happened so quickly. I have a singleton and a set of twins and was experiencing symptoms somewhere in between what I had experienced with those two pregnancies, so I was a little freaked out that it might be another twofer! I happened to have my annual exam scheduled for the week after I got a positive urine test, so had a blood test to confirm and found good hcg, but low progesterone. Repeat blood work, good hcg, progesterone still low, so I started progesterone supplements. This was at about 5 weeks I guess.

Around 6 weeks, I went for an ultrasound. Because of the low progesterone, the fact that I have a set of fraternal twins and the fact that I had a blighted ovum in 2008 (between successful pregnancies), I was anxious to see what, if anything, was going on in there. Found embryo with normal heartbeat and of normal size. More bloodwork. Progesterone not rising, hcg rising slower than doc expected...but I held out hope because it was already high enough that doubling times should be longer.

Around 7 weeks, another ultrasound because of "slow rising" hcg. Found fetus, normal heartbeat, but not much growth since last scan. I decided at that point, to stop taking the progesterone and trust my body to do what it needed to do...whether that was to keep the baby or to abort the baby. My insurance stinks, so I was paying for the progesterone out of pocket and the side effects just weren't worth it for me. I was a cranky, stressed out mess and it wasn't fair to my three children or my husband to continue for a "maybe".

After I stopped the progesterone, I was actually kind of surprised that nothing happened. Week 8 came and went with nothing eventful as did week 9. I started spotting the day before Easter (week 10) and I knew that was the beginning of the end of this pregnancy...but it was also the end of the agony of being in limbo. As strange as it sounds, on some level, I immediately felt better once I knew what the outcome was going to be...even though it was not the outcome I had hoped for. I spotted and bled lightly for exactly one week. Two nights before I actually miscarried, I had some moderate cramping and thought that might be the day, but it stopped just before I went to bed. I didn't have any bleeding to speak of for the following two days. These days were very frustrating because after almost a week of random bleeding, I was ready for it all to be over. Last Saturday night, the cramps came back. This time they didn't go away. They were just like labor contractions, except smaller because my uterus was smaller. The pain started just below my belly button and would radiate downward before sitting in my cervix for what seemed like forever! They were very regular, but completely manageable. I spent this time sitting on the couch with my husband. I found that sitting cross-legged with my head in my lap was a decently comfortable position, so that's how I sat. About two hours after the cramping started, I felt something shift inside. I had the thought that I might want to take some Tylenol and had better get it before it was too late...but it was too late already! When I stood up, I could feel "stuff" starting to slide out and had to run to the bathroom. I had not planned to look at whatever I passed, so I sat on the toilet. As I sat there, I passed a few large pieces of "stuff" and the cramping immediately tapered off to almost nothing. I felt like I wanted to get up, so I did, but had to sit back down immediately to keep from making a complete mess of my bathroom! Shortly thereafter, I tried again to get up and, though it was a race to get my pants up before I dripped blood, I was able to do so and decided that I actually did want to see what I had passed after all. I didn't have anything in the bathroom to use as a scoop, so gross as this may be, I reached into the toilet and fished out a large clot. I tried again and I honestly couldn't believe what I saw...a completely intact placenta and sac with a little white embryo floating inside. I can't even describe the feeling that I had when I saw this...it was just amazing. Looking at it brought complete clarity to the situation...I was 10 weeks pregnant, but this was clearly no more than a 6 week embryo. What's more is that it never formed an umbilical cord...meaning that this miscarriage was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my fault in the least. That's a good feeling given that I had made the controversial progesterone decision a few weeks earlier. Anyway, for the next hour and a half or so, I sat on the couch with my husband and got up every 20-30 minutes or so because I felt like I needed to pee. Every time I got up, I ended up racing to the toilet because of another clot. Finally, roughly two hours after the bleeding started, it had slowed enough that I could stand up without worrying that I was going to soak through my pad. This was about 3am and I was exhausted, so I went to bed. The next morning I woke up to only a light to medium flow. I'm still spotting a week later, but I haven't had any cramping since that night and I'm feeling better every day.

In the end, I am a little surprised at how un-tragic this feels to me. I know I'm supposed to be all torn up inside, but somehow, this tragedy has ended up giving me a different sense all together. Life is largely about perspective...mine's just different, I guess. I have three children, all of whom were born in a hospital with an epidural...this was my first experience with "natural labor" and though it didn't result in a living baby, it did result in a sense of empowerment that I've never felt before. My body is incredible and I will definitely be more trusting of it and myself the next time I have to make decisions about labor and delivery!


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## pattimomma

*hmbill* I am sorry for your loss. I really appreciated your story. I am a geologist and sometimes that scientific perspective is misunderstood as uncaring and insensitive but I don't think that your story comes off that way at all. I think your choice to stop the progesterone was spot on. I had to giggle just a little bit when you said that you weren't going to look at it. I thought yeah right that scientific curiosity is going to take over and sure enough it did. I am glad that you have closure, which looking at it provided.


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## mareseatoats

It is such a gift to be able to read all of your stories. I have not had a loss, but I know the statistics and, as we plan on two or three more, it seems more likely it could happen. I have always avoided reading about miscarriage, as if avoiding the subject would save me from having one; I am very glad I decided to read your experiences. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound flip or insensitive. I really feel so thankful to all of you for sharing your stories. You are all so wonderful and strong, and I wish you all so much love and light.


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## bcblondie

Partial molar pregnancy at 9w1d.

I got my bfp at 10dpo and I was thrilled. My tests got darker faster than any of my past pregnancies. And that's saying something because with DS my beta's doubled every 24 hours. By 6 weeks I was starting to feel a little nauseous, which isn't like me in pregnancy, at 7w6d I found the heartbeat, but I didn't get my hopes up because i'd miscarried after this point before. By mid week 8 I could tell my fundus was measuring ahead, even for me. In hindsight these were all signs of a partial molar (except the heartbeat thing.) but at the time I didn't want to worry myself.

At 9w1d we were talking about how much I was showing, and I joked about twins. But I knew it was unlikely since i'd only heard one heartbeat. So, smarty that I am, I went to check again for TWO heartbeats. Only this time I didn't find any. The longer I looked the more I knew. I'd been here before. I wasn't finding the heartbeat, because there was no heartbeat to find.

That afternoon I went into the ER. They took me in quickly and thought they saw a heartbeat on the portable ultrasound. Went upstairs for a proper one and they were wrong. There was no heartbeat. It was a partial molar pregnancy. They explained to me the complications of this. A PMP can cling extra hard to the uterus, and not clear out easily. Bits of it can metastisize to the lungs or liver, so I had to have a blood test and lung xray.

The next morning I was scheduled for a D&C. I came in at 7am and was not allowed to eat or drink. It took til about 4pm before I was finally taken in for the D&C. They explained my anaesthesia options and wheeled me in. When I woke up in the recovery room they explained to me that they thought (incorrectly) that they had perforated my uterus and I had to have a laparoscopy. Which means a breathing tube down my throat and 2 pokes to my abdomen. I also needed a stitch to my cervix, which upset me because they had said the chances of such were like 1 in 1000.

It's been a couple days and I'm home now resting up. My arms are bruised from needles and my belly hurts the most. My throat still hurts a little. Emotionally it hasn't much hit me yet. But I think it will when I pick up the remains on in 2 more days. Which by the way, they won't give you until you make arangements with a funeral home, because the chemicals used by pathology are carcinogenic.

So. I'm also waiting on pictures from my ultrasound. That will help too. But for now i'm sort of in the limbo phase. Oh. And I have to go for weekly betas, and I'm not allowed to ttc until they've been solidly negative for a few months. So that's where I'm at right now.


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## Shiloh

Mareseatoats, I pray you never go into this rabbit hole and think its awesome you're educating yourself. There's too much about mc and birth loss I think collectively we ignore as its too difficult to wrap our minds around it. I wish I'd have known more about mc and have appologized for not being there for my friends after theirs before I knew how ugly the grief was.


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## nsmomtobe

I read through this thread while I was waiting for my 3rd miscarriage because my first 2 were so different from each other and now I think I should add my own stories. They will be in 3 different posts though.

#1. December 20, 2008 was the day I reached 6 weeks of pregnancy. When I woke up early in the morning to pee, I noticed spotting, which worried me, but I put a pad in and went back to bed. It was my first pregnancy and up until that point, the only thing that concerned me about the pregnancy was that I was still taking my basal temperature in the morning and it had dipped on the 18th and 19th. It was still above the coverline, but lower than it had been. When I mentioned it online, i was told to stop temping after getting a BFP. In any case, when I woke up for the morning, I was experiencing full-on period-level bleeding. I called the on-call doctor because it was the weekend, and he told me I was probably miscarrying and there was nothing he could do for me, so he said I should just stay home or go to ER if I started bleeding excessively or developed a fever, etc. I got off the phone and cried.

The whole day was spent crying and bleeding, but it really wasn't much heavier than a period, except there were clots, which were mostly very small. In the evening when I went to the bathroom and wiped, something fell out onto the toilet seat (I really don't know how it landed there instead of in the toilet) so I picked it up and examined it. It was blood covered of course, but it was a roundish fluid-filled membrane. I'm going to say it was about 3 cm in diameter (just over an inch?) and I can't remember if it was ruptured when I picked it up, but it was when I was done. I jammed my thumbs in and felt around for an embryo. I found nothing. I wrapped the sac in toilet paper, said my goodbyes and flushed it.

On Dec 23rd I had my first official prenatal visit scheduled. I showed up to see if my doctor could confirm the miscarriage. The bleeding had actually tapered off to spotting by then--I only bled for 3 days (20, 21, 22)--but then again my periods tend to be light and I wondered if this may have contributed to the miscarriage (not enough uterine lining). I told the secretary when I arrived that I believed I had miscarried over the weekend. She got me to give a urine sample anyway, and she dipped a pregnancy test strip--it came out positive (although weak). She shrugged and said, "Actually, I guess that could go either way. Let's wait for the doctor." The doctor came in and did an internal exam. He told me my cervix was closed so I was not currently miscarrying, but he couldn't tell by the size of my uterus whether I was pregnant or not. He sent me for an ultrasound.

Amazingly, I was able to get an ultrasound that afternoon. The technician was very impersonal. She told my husband to wait outside. She put the gel on my belly, waved the wand around a few times and said, "Okay. I'm all done." I said, "What? You're done? What did you see?" She said, "I can't tell you that. I will send the report to your doctor within 24 hours." I was speechless, but she chased me out of there. I called my doctor when I got home, and he said he had not yet received the report, but he would call me as soon as he did. He pointed out that they were open the next day (Christmas Eve) only until noon.

December 24th - I called the doctor's office a few times in the morning and spoke to the secretary, who promised he'd call me back. He did call at 12:30 to say that my uterus was all clear. There was no sign of pregnancy remaining. It had all passed naturally. He told me to try to enjoy the holidays with my family and said that I could start TTC again as soon as I felt emotionally ready. Merry Christmas!

We did start trying right away and 4 months later I became pregnant with my son.

I just wanted to leave that one on a happy note. I will be back tomorrow with another.


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## nsmomtobe

#2.

January 13, 2013: I was approximately 11 weeks pregnant when I woke up at about 2:30 am not feeling well. I went to the bathroom to pee and I noticed I was spotting. I was devastated because this was exactly how my first miscarriage had started. Up until that point, I had believed that it couldn't happen to me again because a) I had had a healthy pregnancy in between, so everything obviously worked, b) I was so much further along in my pregnancy than I had been when I had my first loss, and c) I had strong pregnancy symptoms starting a couple of days before I realized I was pregnant (4w) and continuing on... although the nausea had started to lessen after about 8 weeks. I had an hcg level of almost 41,000 around 7 weeks, which I thought signified a healthy pregnancy, so I had started telling people around 8 weeks. Everyone was so excited for me that I couldn't imagine letting them all down now. I somehow managed to get back to sleep despite my worries.

When I awoke for the morning, the spotting was actually the least of my concerns. I woke up experiencing watery diarrhea and forceful vomiting, which I was quite certain was not pregnancy related. Fortunately, the spotting was no heavier than spotting. Since it was Sunday, my options for medical care were limited, so I chose to stay in bed (with plenty of trips to the bathroom) and I got my parents to come and get my son so I would not have to take care of him while suffering from the effects of a Norovirus.

January 14 (Monday): I called my doctor's office in the morning to tell him about my weekend. The vomiting and diarrhea was definitely a virus going around and there was nothing the doctor could do about it. As for the spotting, he said again there was nothing he could do, but if I wanted to get an ultrasound to check things out, my best bet would be to go to ER. He said that he could not requisition an ultrasound for spotting, and even if he did, it would not be a priority so it would take up to a month to get in. Again, he recommended the ER. So I spent the afternoon in the ER waiting room. Spotting is not an emergency, and it took 6 hours for me to be seen.

The ER doctor was not terribly compassionate. She seemed annoyed that I was wasting her time by coming in for spotting. She did an internal exam and said, "Your cervix is tightly closed, your uterus is enlarged, and you are hardly bleeding at all. You are not miscarrying." I was relieved for the first time in 2 days! But I still wanted reassurance. I asked if I could have an ultrasound to see if everything was okay or to find the reason for the bleeding. She said, "No, but we can do some blood work." It was not what I wanted at all. I didn't think that blood work could tell me anything at that point, and it meant waiting another 2 hours to get the results. I just wanted to go home at that point and be happy that I wasn't miscarrying and see if I could get an ultrasound arranged by my doctor for sometime in the near future. But finally I was called back in by the (not-so-compassionate) ER doctor.

Dr: "Your blood levels don't look good for 11 weeks. Are you sure you are 11 weeks pregnant?"

At this point my heart dropped again and I asked what they were. I figured out she was talking about HCG.

Dr: "3089."

Me: "Uh, are you sure? They were over 40,000 at 7 weeks."

Dr: "Oh yeah? In that case, it really doesn't look good. I can give you medication to end the pregnancy tonight--you can take it vaginally--or... maybe I can send you for an ultrasound."

Me (weakly): "I would like an ultrasound please."

The doctor shrugged and said, "okay, I'll go arrange it with the OG/Gyn staff" and she left the room.

I started bawling. I knew there was no way that the pregnancy could still be viable if the HCG level had dropped that much.

The doctor came back in and said, "What's wrong? Did I say something to upset you?" Anyway, to her credit, she had arranged an ultrasound appointment the next day, followed immediately by an appointment with an OB/Gyn to go over my results.

January 15 (Tuesday): I went for my u/s at 2:00 in the afternoon. It was in the same place as my previous miscarriage ultrasound. The technician had a little bit more bedside manner than the last, but she didn't let my husband into the room and she didn't comment on what she saw. After a few minutes, she told me that she needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look. I said, "That's not a good sign" and she said, "I'm sorry I can't say anything." So I got to pee and change into a johnny shirt and then come back to the ultrasound room for a better look. she took some more pictures and then when she was done, she directed me to where I was supposed to go to get the results.

The OB/Gyn I saw was fairly compassionate. When I arrived, he asked me to tell him what I already knew so he could fill in the gaps with the ultrasound information. According to the ultrasound, there was no heartbeat and the fetus measured 7w4d (1.3 cm). It had stopped developing weeks ago. It was a missed miscarriage. We discussed options and I chose D&C. The doctor told me that Wednesday was his surgery day, so he would schedule me in for the next afternoon. He did do a pelvic exam on me and told me that my cervix was still tightly closed. Then he had me fill out all the consent forms and paper work for the D&C and told me to take it home with me and bring it when I came into the hospital the next day. He also said that if anything changed between now and then--any increase in bleeding, cramping, etc.--I should go back to ER right away and bring the papers and they would wave me through (so I wouldn't be stuck in the waiting room for another 8 hours). Anyway, we wrapped up our meeting and headed home. On the way home, I started to feel cramps.

I got home around 4 and called my mother to update her on the situation and she decided to keep DS another night (she had been planning to bring him home that day). While I was talking to her, I said, "Wow, I feel like I'm having contractions here" and she said, "You should probably go rest." So I got off the phone and went to the bathroom. I sat down to pee and felt a gush come out of my vagina, along with a really large clump. I fished it out of the toilet and put it into a yogurt container. It was at least the size of a fist, and blood red. It was bigger than the amount of tissue I passed with my first miscarriage, and I really and truly believed that was it. I poked around looking for the fetus and found a small, fetus-shaped blood clot measuring approximately 1.3 cm in length. In retrospect (after my 3rd miscarriage) I believe this was, indeed, just a blood clot, but at the time I thought it could be my baby. It was the right shape and size, except it was blood red. There was no other colour present. When I tried to turn it over in my hand for a better look, it slipped back into the container with the rest of the blood and I never saw it again. At this point, I may have noticed I was bleeding profusely. I briefly considered not going back to the hospital because I thought I had passed it all, but then I remembered what the doctor said about going back if anything changed, so I placed a disposable diaper inside my underwear (I knew better than to bring cloth pads to the hospital), took my bloody yogurt container, and we headed back to the hospital.

I was admitted quicker upon arrival (around 6pm). I could barely walk because I felt like I was gushing so much blood and i was experiencing full labour contractions at that point. I was wheelchaired into a private room, where I stayed until I was ready to brave going to the bathroom again. DH notified a nurse, who came with me because I was scared of what I might find. One unexpected thing that I have mentioned to very few people was that as I walked to the bathroom, the disposable diaper in my underwear started to expand itself up my vagina, which was a startling sensation to say the least. When we got to the bathroom, the nurse came in with me. As I pulled down my underwear, there was a bit of a popping sound as the cork from the diaper was pulled out and the amount of blood and tissue I saw at the point was seriously traumatizing. I think someone else in this thread mentioned seeing something that looked like a liver. Yeah, that was in the pool in the diaper, and as I sat on the toilet, I could see/hear chunks falling out of me and blood flowing like pee. I had to have a pep talk from the nurse to get out of that bathroom. i was mad when she threw my underwear away, but rather than asking for it back, I just said, "How am I supposed to walk back out of this room without underwear to hold a pad?" She gave me an adult diaper and wrapped a towel around me for a skirt. I was very grateful for this nurse who stayed with me throughout the evening. We left the bathroom, which is where I believe my little embryo ended up--either in the toilet or the garbage (diaper). I got back to the hospital bed and was given an IV of fluid and my blood was drawn in order to get my blood type in case I needed a transfusion. At this point, I was glad to be in the hospital. I don't think I would have been able to handle it on my own. I might have passed out from blood loss.

After a few hours, I still had not passed everything (despite the on-call gynecologist trying to reach into my uterus and retrieve tissue, while being annoyed that I was in pain from contractions, and I was still bleeding heavily, so I went to the OR for a D&C around 10:30 pm and I made it out of the hospital a little after midnight.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I wondered if it was an after effect from the anasthesia. I did end up sleeping for a large part of the next day (Wednesday). When my son came home that evening, he nursed for the first time in more than 3 days, and it didn't hurt anymore, as it had throughout the pregnancy.

I spotted on and off for 2 weeks after the D&C. I met with the doctor who I had discussed my u/s results with and he said the procedure appeared to have gone well. He said that there was no fetus found in the tissue extracted by D&C (which is why it must have come out in the toilet; the ER doctor had dismissed the yogurt container contents as "just a couple of blood clots") and that the tissue was tested for molar pregnancy, which it wasn't, so I should be fine to try again after taking a cycle or 3 to heal. He said that since I had a healthy child, there was no reason to believe that I couldn't have another healthy pregnancy, and he assured me I would see him again under better circumstances (implying that I would go to him when I got pregnant again, which was rather presumptuous, but he was trying to be comforting so I let it go). I ordered a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests online to check HCG levels and by the time they arrived 3 weeks later, I tested negative for pregnancy. We avoided TTC that cycle, but I believe I O'd around 26 days after the D&C. I guess I should mention that after my natural miscarriage at 6 weeks my urine tested negative by 2 weeks (when I received tests) and I O'd on day 23. So it wasn't much of a difference in return to fertility.


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## M Anna

((HUGS)), NSmomtobe. I'm so sorry.


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## nsmomtobe

And now the story of my most recent loss.

3. After being caught off-guard twice before, this time I had a feeling that something was wrong from the beginning of my pregnancy. On Nov 7, my temperature dipped to tell me AF was coming, but 2 days later when it still hadn't shown up, I took a HPT and saw only a hint of a line after the 2 minute window had passed. I repeated the next day and the next, and on Nov 11 (CD 32) it finally showed up during the specified time frame. I continued testing, but the line never got any darker. Also temperature was erratic. It never went below the coverline, but it came close a few times, each time eventually going up. I had to stop temping because it was worrying me. Around 5 weeks, I took the test that lets you know how far along you are, and it said 3+ weeks, which means 5+ weeks, and I believe corresponds to HCG levels of at least 2000, so that was reassuring. At 6 weeks, I had my first prenatal check-up and I talked my doctor into doing HCG testing. He gave me to blood reqs and told me to go a week apart, so I went at 6 and 7 weeks, and my levels were 12,732 and 26,821, respectively. My doubling time was almost a week! But dr said not to worry because both were in the normal range for their week and doubling time slows after HCG reaches 6000. However, due to my anxiety, he scheduled me for an "early" ultrasound on Friday, Dec 20. I would be 10 weeks by LMP, but I was thinking I may have O'd a few days later to explain my lower HCG. So 9.5 weeks.

On the weekend before my ultrasound, I thought I was developing a yeast infection. I was feeling irritated and itchy and then my discharge took on a greenish tinge. On Tuesday Dec 17th, it turned brown, just before I started spotting. I had an evening doctor's appointment, in which he took swabs and said he saw no sign of infection--only blood. The blood was coming from the cervix, which was "tightly closed." I got a blood req for HCG to be taken the next day.

On Wednesday morning there was a snowstorm, so the local blood lab was closed. I had to travel through the storm to a blood lab in the city. Fortunately, no one else felt like braving the storm so the service was quick. I went home (called in sick) and waited for my dr to call with the results. The bleeding was getting heavier and more period-like. After my doctor hadn't returned my call, I called the clinic and asked the evening secretary to tell me the results. She told me (or I heard) that they were just over 2000. At that point, I knew it was over. I called my parents (who didn't know I was pregnant) and told them to come watch my son because I was miscarrying and might have to go to ER. It took them hours to get here because of the storm, so they spent the night and took DS home with them the next day.

On Thursday morning, my doctor called to say my HCG level was a little lower, but everything could still be okay. I asked, "What do you mean?" and he explained that the number had dropped to a little over 20,000, but it is normal for them to start to go down after 8-9 weeks and since it was a different lab it could give different results. I still don't know how I heard 2000 the night before, but I told him I was bleeding more now and he said it wasn't a good sign, but encouraged me to go to the u/s appointment the next day to find out for sure what was up. My bleeding got heavier throughout the day and I had very painful gas-like cramps. At one point I bled through a pad and needed help getting off the couch to walk to the bathroom because I was bleeding so heavily. On the toilet, I passed several large clots, about the size of my fist. It was very scary and emotional and somewhat painful. However, when I attempted to scoop them out of the toilet to see if there was any tissue, they dissolved into strings of blood. I put in a new pad (a heavy duty hospital one I had left over from my previous miscarriage) and bled through that in an hour, along with more large clots (same as above). I repeated again. I know I should have gone in at that point, but I didn't want to go back to the previous ER. I wanted to go to my u/s appt the next day, which was at a different hospital. So I went to bed and the bleeding actually slowed down to almost nothing.

In the morning, I showered, had breakfast, and drank my water. My bleeding had slowed down to heavy brown spotting. I went to the hospital for u/s and had to fill out a questionnaire about the pregnancy and my history. I mentioned the bleeding and cramps. I went in for the u/s and told the tech that I was probably miscarrying and I didn't want to wait until Monday for the results. She promised she'd get me answers that day. She was very thorough, spending more time on images than any previous u/s tech had, although she wasn't showing us the screen (my DH was allowed in the room this time). Then I had to pee and get the vaginal u/s. Then she went and got a doctor. The doctor said, "You know I don't have good news for you, don't you." and I told her that yes, I knew things didn't look good. She said my uterus was enlarged and full of blood clots and "debris" but the only sign of pregnancy was a small gestational sac, measuring about 5 weeks, which was empty. She told me that the hospital had an Early Pregnancy Complications Unit, which was closed for the holidays, but she had managed to track down an on-call doctor or intern from there, who would see me in the Early Labour Assessment Unit. So I ended up back in the room I had been in when trying to convince others that I was in labour with my son. It was surreal. Of course I picked the D&C option again because I just wanted the pain and bleeding to stop.

When they found out it was my 3rd miscarriage, they brought in a Reproductive Endocrinologist who specializes in early pregnancy loss. She agreed to send the tissue from the D&C for genetic testing, and also to run blood tests on my and DH. The D&C was done under conscious sedation. This sounded scary to me, but apparently I did quite well, and DH noticed that I recovered much faster after the procedure than I had from the last one. With conscious sedation, you are given pain medication and something to make you forget(???) but you are not unconscious. However, I am told that most people sleep through it. I don't know if I did.

After this miscarriage, I bleed lightly for almost a week and then spotted for another week. It took almost 5 weeks for HPTs to turn negative, and this coincided with more spotting/light bleeding. Less than 3 weeks later, I'm spotting again, and I still don't think I have ovulated. Suffice to say, my cycle is still screwed up. I am getting the blood work done this month and seeing the specialist in March to go over the results. I feel like the purpose of this pregnancy was to get me to the right doctor to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can have a healthy pregnancy in the future.


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## aprilh

I posted this as a separate thread, but now see it belongs here as well. Peace and healing to you all&#8230;

Though it is difficult, I believe that sharing these stories is empowering, and sharing the details of delivering our lost babes may help many women. I'm so sorry for anyone who experiences this. Thank you for reading my story, as it is part of my healing.

We found out 6 days ago at 11w+4d that our baby measured at ~8weeks and the heartbeat we saw just 2 weeks previously had ceased. I had no cramping, bleeding, or other signs of impending miscarriage, and had attributed my diminishing symptoms to rounding the bend from morning sickness. Of course, we/are were shocked and crushed.

My goal was to avoid medical intervention if possible. I wanted to complete this life cycle on my own, in the comfort of my home, with my husband nearby. On Friday I began taking homeopathics sepia and sabina, Yogi Moon Tea, and red raspberry leaf tea as well. I went running one day, played tennis for 2 hours another, and walked for miles and miles each day.

On Monday evening around 6, cramping and spotting began. My energy really began to flow, where it had felt blocked before. I became unafraid, though my sadness was huge. The cramping came in waves, not unlike the tales of labor I've read in natural childbirth books. I slept fitfully, woken by discomfort through the night.

Tuesday (yesterday) came. I had walked already in the morning, but after lunch my husband accompanied me on another loop around the neighborhood. The contractions (there is no denying what they are) came intensely throughout the walk. I would zone out and focus on my body almost unconsciously when they came. We got home and as I was telling him I thought things were really happening, I felt a sudden gush of fluid. I am not kidding you, my tiny water really broke. (It is absolutely insane that the docs tell you to expect a "really bad period".) I sat on the toilet and pink-clear fluid rushed out, followed by blood. In the next 2.5 hours, I had intense contractions followed by some giant blood clots that looked like liver. At the height of the pains, I delivered our tiny little underdeveloped baby, who looked just like one of those week-by-week illustrations of the 8 week mark. I moved into the shower and the placenta came. It looked just like a placenta (like in birthing videos and stories), and it was big! The size of my whole palm, plus some. I had immediate physical relief after a few more pains and expulsion of what I hope were the last of the clots. I was exhausted, but also so grateful that I could accomplish this at home. I was impressed by the process, and so happy that I could have this tiny taste of motherhood. It felt nice to be free from anxiety after all this time.

I delivered our tiny child just yesterday. We placed its body and placenta among the flowers in our backyard. Though I'm still healing physically, I believe that having a natural miscarriage at home is helping me to heal emotionally as well. No woman's choice is wrong, however, but I feel it was best for me. I wish healing and love to anyone who must endure this loss.

Best,

April


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## shamumama

So&#8230; just to describe my own experience thus far and hoping it might help someone else. Cross-posted this in a thread about natural m/c, here: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/184910/my-gawd-how-long-does-it-take-to-have-a-natrual-m-c

I am 42, one healthy child, this was a surprise pregnancy. No complications, I am in good health and all of my initial prenatal testing came back with flying colors. I had one TV ultrasound to date the pregnancy at 6.5 weeks and everything looked normal and healthy, a singleton.

At about eight or nine weeks into the pregnancy, I remember remarking to my DH that, despite my nausea and exhaustion, there were definitely times where I "didn't feel pregnant" over the last few days. I could sense a sort of vitality missing from my uterus, and I felt oddly detached from my baby. I would try to talk to my little bean, and there was no response, in the sense that there wasn't the feeling that there was a being there. And there had been, before. It wasn't the same absolute definitive feeling that I've had with knowing I had become pregnant, but it was different. I had been preoccupied with health insurance coverage problems and having to switch providers, so I chalked it up to tiredness and worry.

At 10 weeks into the pregnancy, on the day that my menstrual flow would normally have started if I were not pregnant, I began spotting in the morning. It was barely noticeable, light brown to pink, but continued throughout the day with a couple of small clots. I felt sad and panicked but also resigned to whatever process was going to happen.

That evening, when I stood up from the dinner table, I had a severe cramp in my mid-upper outer thigh. It felt like a bone-deep pulled muscle. It was very odd, and I did not think it was related to the spotting. Along with the pain in my leg came a sense of dread and mortality, and a lot of hypochondriac thoughts that I was dying or had cancer or had a fatal blood clot in my leg.

The second day, I felt two bouts of lightheadedness in the morning and cancelled my work plans. The strong cramp feeling in my thigh was severe enough that I went to urgent care, where a physician who knows my medical history reassured me that it was nothing serious. I twice passed a few small clots and a little bit of bright red blood, perhaps a quarter teaspoon each time. I prayed that it was some kind of minor hematoma and not the end of the pregnancy.

By dinner time that evening, I had developed "period" cramps in my lower back, glutes and perineal area that eventually became severe enough that I could not eat dinner. Some of the cramping could only be relieved through labor type meditation on the sensation. My DH gave me some labor type massaging and that helped. I also took a 10 minute walk outside, and that helped me to stay calm and relieved some of the stronger sensations. I had a sense of resignation. I struggled to find a comfortable position, often curled up in child's pose with back rounded and a pillow under my belly.

After an hour or so, essentially there was a mini contraction and it felt like water breaking. I spent the next several hours - basically the entire night - in the bathroom with more mild contractions, and expelled over several hours probably about 1 to 2 cups of bright red fluids, and tissue that looked much like my placenta from my 1st birth. It did not smell offensive, but the volume was incredible. It would come in waves at pretty regular intervals of several minutes, and then slow down. I didn't think to time it. At some points I tried moving the process along by bearing down and pushing a little bit, and would pass more tissue.

Eventually I brought a garbage bag into the bathroom, a roll of paper towels, and went through at least three rolls of toilet paper and five or six maxipads through the process.

I tried occasionally to read, to keep myself distracted from very painful cramping, but it was extremely difficult to concentrate. I had a sense that I was in "laborland" mentally.

It occurred to me a couple of times through the night that it might be helpful to try and pass the tissue into a collection bowl rather than the toilet, to be able to inspect it more carefully, but I didn't have the energy. I did, as others have mentioned, occasionally scoop some of the solid tissue out of the toilet by hand to inspect it. The placenta-like material was very firm and seemed to have a thick rounded lip on it. One particularly firm and large piece seem to have the shape of the fetus inside it. It was about an inch long with a longer tail-like strip along the back of it. I found myself marveling at the health of all this material. It felt like such a waste, my body had grown this huge healthy organ and it was being shed. I had vague thoughts of examining the material and the fetus-like mass further or trying to save it to bury, but I didn't feel the attachment strongly enough and didn't have the energy to figure it out logistically. I gave it my respect and my acknowledgment, we forgave each other, and I let it go.

I took periodic breaks when the flow seemed to cessate a little, and found that stretching out my hips on a yoga mat was really helpful at relieving the cramping. At one point, when I thought I was safely between contractions, I tried moving around the bathroom for a few minutes without a maxipad in place to get in the shower and clean up, and it was an absolute horror movie mess. Other than the appearance, the blood spatter on the floor caused a strong smell of blood.

I became extremely fatigued about halfway through the process, around 2am, when I tried cleaning up the sticky, scary mess on the floor. Bending down, combined with the now powerful smell of blood, caused me to feel nauseous and lightheaded. I took a break and drank some electrolytes, finished cleaning and got some sleep on the yoga mat.

I got up at 4:30 PM, needing to pee, and passed a very small additional amount of tissue. At that point, it seemed to me that it was finished. I felt an urge to "work" and "finish" the miscarriage.

Throughout the third day I experienced moderate bleeding (bright red fluid), much like a period, with more cramping that was uncomfortable but milder than many of my periods, which tend to be very heavy and severe. I probably went through 3 maxi pads. I tried to limit my activity, but still had to drive the car and run a few errands. Being on my feet was particularly exhausting. But the bone deep pain in my thigh that had preceded the m/c had completely resolved.

I contacted the very few people who knew about the pregnancy and let them know that it had ended. When they responded with kindness and sympathy it made me cry. It was as if I needed the confirmation of others to admit the pregnancy was over and grieve. I could feel my "happy" pregnancy hormones waning and my heart felt very heavy. At the same time, I felt so grateful that my body was rejecting what surely must have been an unviable fetus, and I felt a sense of connection to other women who have lost a pregnancy. This mix of upward release and downward loss, combined with needing to put a brave face on for most of the rest of the world, including my 1st grader, and employees and visiting family stopping in and out of my space, made it really hard to truly process or grieve, or express the deep and conflicted feelings. I actually curled up for a good cry a few times and like clockwork someone would show up other than my DH and I would have to put a brave face on things. Due to my age, and the early stage of the pregnancy, we had told few people about it, and particularly not some of our more gossipy friends, employees and relatives who had consistently expressed judgmental views to us about older women having "deformed babies" etc.

The following evening at around the same time, more severe cramps began again. I was awoken by a contraction in the wee hours of the morning and passed a bit more placental tissue, perhaps a tablespoon or two worth. Some of the contractions also yielded a clear slippery mucus.

The fourth day was easier, but I still felt quite sore with the need to rest. I could feel that my uterine and lower back muscles were exhausted. I spent most of the day sitting sort of balled up on the couch catching up with visiting family members, and occasionally passed a bit more tissue with frequent trips to the bathroom. The tissue was becoming less and less "alive" looking, instead they were 2-4" strips of brownish red tissue that appeared more broken down. Each time, there would be a sudden rush of flow that would send me running to the bathroom. I was at the end of the box of maxi pads, using about three but not 'filling' them. The flow was still bright red, with some small dark purple clots and some more clear mucus.

Later in the day, while running the afternoon errands, the opportunity finally arose for me to tell the visiting family what had happened, to explain my unusual lack of activity and ability to carry heavy items. They were kind and sympathetic. This brought a sense of a bit more emotional relief, but not release.

On the fourth evening, I experienced cramps higher up on my back, from below the shoulder blades to the top of the hips. A massage from DH did not help relieve it, and it was extremely uncomfortable but not sharp. Stretching helped a little, but it was a difficult area to stretch. After falling asleep exhausted, I was awoken again by a contraction at 3AM. I passed another piece of tissue on the toilet, this time something slippery, small and hard. It occurred to me that this may have been the sac with the fetus but I was too sore and tired to examine it, and thought that surely after a few weeks it would have been disintegrated. After another hour, the back pain stopped.

I have been drinking red raspberry leaf tea, trying to eat iron rich foods, and resting as much as possible while maintaining my routine of regular light, non-work activities such as shuttling my child to school and light house chores. My feeling of depression makes me want to exercise, but I feel like my physical body isn't ready to do that. I feel weak and anemic.

The one thing I am a little worried about is an infection. My home is --not-- a sterile environment. but, I am guessing that infections would be pretty rare, and perhaps more likely if you are in the hospital.


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## SebastiansMammy

*My story <\3*

I know ill probably get in trouble for resurrecting an old thread but since ive read everyones stories and felt such an intense sorrow at them all i just couldn't possibly go without sharing mine...:\

My 2nd pregnancy was totally unplanned, so it came as quite a surprise to me at the beginning of January '14 when i missed my period and tested positive..According to my dates we'd conceived over christmas '13..Our condom had split and I wasn't on any other form of birth control!

I immediately told my fiance the news, he was skeptical as financially we we're just getting by with our son but we we're both prepared to make sacrifices so we could afford the baby. From what i worked out i was around 4/5 weeks at the time, so off we went to the doctors and he went ahead and confirmed it for me, I met my midwife..She got me booked in and ordered up an early scan as id had previous bleeding with my son so she wanted to 'put my mind at ease' and i was fine with that 

At the time of the scan i should of been almost 8 weeks, the sonographer then placed the probe on my stomach and kept moving it around at different points on my stomach before saying 'oh' From then i knew it was bad news..He then proceeded to tell me I was only measuring 6+3 and that there was no heartbeat present..He proceeded to apologise for my loss which made me feel worse if anything..I saw the doctor afterwards who told me that the baby would pass by itself..If not id have to come back and have Misoprostil (I think it was called) to give me a helping hand..True enough my body refused to let go of the pregnancy..So off i went!

After taking it I felt fine for a few hours and was able to carry on with everything..I wanted to avoid any surgery if possible as we had our son at home and no one knew I was pregnant in my extended family, i was planning to keep it a surprise until the 12th week and then send everyone scan pictures to announce our good news.

After a while i started to get period like cramps, some we're bearable but then as soon as it got closer I had to lay down and hum during them!..A while past of these pains and eventually i felt something 'pop' out...I went to check, lots of bloody clots and there my baby was..A small see through sac..Call me heartless but i just couldn't look at it..But i did preserve it, even though it was no longer living i thought it deserved the dignity of a human being, so we saved whatever I passed and placed it into a little box..The box now resides in our back garden near the flowers!..He/she will always be close to me and that brings me great comfort!

There are some days ill venture out into the garden and sit by the burial site for a while and tell it all my problems or whatever's gone on through the day..That also brings me great comfort


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## scruffy too

Thursday (10.5 weeks) – started spotting around supper time. Didn’t think much of it, despite having never spotted before. I’d been hiking with my 27 lb 17 month old on my back in the ergo most of the day. I assumed I had overdone it. Spotting was only on TP when I wiped. Had turned brown by midnight. 

Friday – no spotting during day. Started up again around supper time. Once again, I assumed I was overdoing it. Very light spotting throughout the night, again, only when I wiped.

Saturday – very light spotting during the day, heavier and redder around supper time. 

Sunday – called the nurses help line. Since I had no cramping, and only very mild bleeding, and lots of oxidized blood (brown, not red), no real concern. Was told to see a doctor soon, but not an emergency. Called midwife – she reassured me that without cramping it was probably nothing. Told me to rest. Stayed home and rested. Spotted all day long. Put a pad on, but not much blood was getting on pad, still just when I wiped… 

Monday (Holiday, Labour Day) – spotted all day long. No increase in volume. No cramping.Monday night – started bleeding, almost like peeing, but blood. Tried not to panic. Passed a plum sized blood clot. Was up from 3am on, making trips to the bathroom every half hour to pass more blood. Getting on pad now, but not soaking through or anything. Seemed most of it passed while I was sitting on the toilet. Extremely mild cramping for about 1 hour. In between trips to the bathroom, read this forum on what to expect. Was very sad to read the stories, but I found strength in knowing so many women had gone before me in this journey.

Tuesday AM – with heavy heart called doctor’s office. Was given an appointment for the mid-afternoon. Went to appointment in tears. Had an internal which showed that my cervix was open (not a good sign). Was basically dripping blood onto the pad I was sitting on… Doctor was extremely nice, reassured me this was not my fault, nor was it an indication of how my next pregnancy would go. Was told to go home and wait for the cramps to ramp up and an increase in bleeding. Told to take Gravol or Tylenol for pain. Offered me her cell phone number in case I had questions – I declined.Tuesday PM – not much bleeding at all. Only when I wiped.

Wednesday – light bleeding in the AM. Went for an ultrasound. Nothing was found, but the tech wasn’t very forthcoming with information. Passed a sac-type looking thing (5 inches long, width of my finger.) No cramping, no heavy bleeding.

Thursday – moderate bleeding throughout day. No cramping. One mild 30 second cramp and I passed something 4 inches long, 3 fingers wide, very firm. I put it in the sink and stared at it for a few minutes. I will bury it later. A bit more mild bleeding.

That’s it. No more spotting. No cramping. No longer pregnant.

I used home-made pads for most of it. I used about 8 "real" pads total. There wasn't as much blood as I would have thought (or maybe I passed most of it during the night?) I'm still surprised I didn't have much cramping.


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## MOMYS

My last miscarriage was a 2nd trimester miscarriage.

I heard the heart beat at 15 weeks with my home doppler. I tried to only listen once a week on the week-aversery. At 16 weeks I kind of forgot as my dh was getting ready for a business trip. I remembered on the Wednesday when he had already left and decided to wait for him to listen on the Friday when he got back. We tried Friday night and couldn't find the heart beat. The same on Saturday. I wasn't too worried as at 16 weeks it is often hard to find the heartbeat with Baby moving so much. When I couldn't find it on Sunday morning I emailed my midwife. Because I had previous losses she realized that I was probably quite stressed. She came by in the afternoon and couldn't find the heartbeat either. I was desperately still hoping against all hope. She phoned ER and asked the dr that although it wouldn't really be considered an emergency if they would be willing to see me for an u/s. 
I went in about 2 hours later. They warned us that they wouldn't be able to let us jump the line.

The ER was amazing. From the triage nurse to the ER dr. We went in almost immediately. They called in a sonographer when the ER dr couldn't find the heartbeat on the bedside u/s. The sonographer was professional and kind. He told us it looked like Baby had died at 13/14 weeks. We knew we heard the heartbeat at 15 weeks so we assume Baby died very shortly after that.

My midwife made an appointment for me at the OB to discuss my options. On the Sunday (one day shy of 17 weeks) I was sure that I wanted a D&C and have it over and done with it. 
By the Monday I wasn't sure anymore and by the Thursday when I saw the OB I knew that I would prefer to wait it out at home. 
My OB visit was okay. I had seen her before after another miscarriage and we didn't see eye to eye on some issues. However, she was professional and I appreciated that she believed me when I told her about the heartbeat at 15 weeks. She said that basically I had 3 options
1. D&C
2. Wait it out. She was willing to give me to 19.5 weeks 
3. Use some meds to start the process. Since I was already further along and they could cause more bleeding I didn't really want to go that route. 

We chose to wait it out. I started some light bleeding the Tuesday after I would have been 18 weeks pregnant. Just light bleeding, pink and brown and really nothing more than spotting when I was wiping. I was kind of feeling worried because I knew we only really had another week before the scheduled D&C. Same thing on Wednesday. 
On Thursday morning just after 5am I woke up with some bright red bleeding and some cramping. Nothing like labour, though. Pretty much just in the front and very, very, very manageable. Not like contractions at all.
Within 15 minutes the placenta came out. And on the next "contraction" the intact sack with more placenta. I was completely taken aback. It was so much less painful than the miscarriage I had at 12 weeks. 

Our baby boy was perfect and tiny. We called him Gabriel and my dh buried him in our garden and in Spring we'll plant a flowering bush. We didn't take any photos. I now wish we had. I wish I had wrapped him up in a pretty blanket or a little vest and took a photo. At the time though I was so certain I didn't want that 

I thought all the placenta had come out.
I continued having cramps and each time there was a gush of blood. I was still comfortable with the amount, though. A midwife-friend online told me to keep an eye on the bleeding and that there was likely something still in the uterus. At around lunch time I passed another HUGE piece of placenta. I knew it wasn't all of it since it kind of broke off. On the next cramp another smaller piece came out. The cramping and bleeding was still there but way less. I took some cayenne pepper in milk for the bleeding and when to lay down for a nap. When I got up I passed one more smaller piece of placenta and then the bleeding slowed right down and the cramping stopped.

I'm struggling emotionally. I suspect it will take time but somehow writing all of this down has also helped.


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## Verdahekawi

I've had three early first trimester miscarriages and earlier this week I lost our son to pPROM at 16 weeks. My first two miscarriages at 5 and 5 1/2 weeks were just like heavy periods and no recognizable tissue. The one at 6.5 weeks I spotted for a few days and then had horrible cramping and a ton of bleeding, the cramping was like one long contraction that never let up. I actually passed the placenta first and then the bleeding slowed down and the pain stopped. I figured that early I had already passed the baby and just missed it but the baby came out with more cramping and bleeding a few days later.

My 16 week loss was more a stillbirth than a miscarriage. And this just happened four days ago so the details are fresh in my mind. My water broke at 16 weeks. I tested negative for amniotic fluid at the birth center, baby's heart rate was fine. and we figured I might have just peed myself but I went back the next day for an ultrasound to make sure and it was clear my water had broken completely, there was no fluid around the baby and his heart rate had slowed. I was immediately sent across the street to the hospital to maternal-fetal medicine, they did another more thorough ultrasound to see if there were any physical problems with the baby that may have contributed (and found no issues) but he actually passed away during the ultrasound.  They wanted to induce but I decided to go home and come back the next evening to have some time to process first. 

I had barely gotten home when I started having horrible chills and shakes, my temp spiked to 102 and it was clear I had an infection so we called the dr. and he had us go back immediately. Temp was 104 when I got there. I think he wanted to do a D&C but I went into full blown labor on my own while I was going to the bathroom and changing into my gown. Contractions were strong and only a minute and a half apart from the beginning and I was dilating quickly so we went ahead with a natural delivery and our son was born about an hour later, about four hours after he passed away and 29 hours after my membranes ruptured. Placenta came out whole about 45 min. later so it was much more like a normal labor and delivery than a miscarriage except I didn't really have to push because he was so small. 

He was tiny but perfect and looked exactly like a 16 week baby should, 4.6 oz, 7 inches long, thin transparent skin so he was reddish and we could see his veins, he had ear buds, a cute nose that looked like mine. and his little arms and legs were fully formed. We could see his teeny tiny finger and toenails and could tell he would have had long arms and big hands like his daddy. We named him Rowan, the name we planned to use if we had a boy, and were very fortunate that they let us have him as long as we wanted which ended up being about six hours. We took lots of pictures (but still wish we'd taken more) and held him and prayed for him, told him how much we loved him and admired his perfect little body and cried a lot. We are still crying.


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## t2009

This thread was helpful when I had my first m/c but I wasn't in a place where I could record exactly what happened. Unfortunately, I've just experienced my second & I think I can better record it--I hope it's helpful to someone. I'm sorry for all who have posted here or need to read this thread.

This is my second missed miscarriage. I found out at 11w2d that baby stopped growing at just over 7w. We had heard a heartbeat at 7w1d but baby passed shortly afterward. I started spotting very, very lightly at 10w6d. I was immediately concerned because that was exactly how my first mmc started at about the same time in that pregnancy. But the spotting was so slight that I still had some hope. I wasn't cramping so I tried to stay positive. When my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat on her strongest Doppler, she made an appointment for me to get another ultrasound. I was still hopeful because the spotting was still light (though more prevalent) & we had already heard a heartbeat, which we hadn't heard with the last pregnancy. Well, the ultrasound revealed that baby had died.

Time to wait as I wanted to miscarry naturally at home again. Nothing came & I even went back to work after waiting for things to start. For about 4-5 days I had what I'd classify as a light flow. It was sometimes brown, sometimes bright red. I had a session of acupuncture. I was taking TCM herbs, drinking herbal teas (red raspberry leaf & dong quai), taking evening primrose oil, and homeopathic remedies (sabina & sepia). I took all this for a couple days religiously. 

At what would have been 12w1d my flow was all bright red. I had some diarrhea & thought maybe I was clearing out in preparation for the m/c. The next morning I was sitting with my feet up on the couch when I felt a gush. It was bloody & watery & I think it was the water breaking. I caught what I think was my mucous plug. 

I spent the next 30 minutes or so in the bathroom. I was alone & DH was on his way home. I got into the shower & squatted, which felt very comfortable. I was a bit crampy but did not have strong contractions. I took a shower & felt very peaceful. I was bleeding a lot but not that many clots. At one point I was feeling labor-like contractions & back pain. I let the water fall onto my back & found relief. I turned off the water & squatted again. I felt something coming & caught the sac, intact. It was gray-ish & translucent, with a vein-like pattern. I think I saw the fetus inside but I didn't want to disturbe the sac so I did not open it to confirm. DH got me a ziplock for it & we will bury it, in the same spot as our other lost baby. I felt relief & I felt my spirit uplifted. 

I bled a lot after this for about 3 hours or more with lots of big clots. We considered going to the hospital for a bit--it was a constant drip & always a gush anytime I moved. Each time got up from the chair I had to got to the bathroom to change my cloth pad (mind you, cloth doesn't absorb blood as quickly as disposable). But I did not feel at all dizzy or shaky so we decided to wait to see if it would slow down. At one point I passed something quite large & I believe that it was the placenta. I was hopeful that the bleeding would slow after that. (To anyone reading this--if you're at all concerned withy how much you are bleeding, call your midwife or doctor!)

I decided it was time to lie down. I was feeling tired & my uterus was feeling worn out. Eventually the bleeding did slow & I stopped passing clots. I feel as though I have passed everything, though I am still feeling some cramping. I hope that I have passed everything& I expect I will bleed for another week or so if that is the case. After that I will do another pregnancy test to make sure my HCG has dropped all the way. I also plan to do follow-up testing with a fertility specialist this time. I will edit this post with more if appropriate. Good luck to all.

Follow-up:
Day 2: I was tired & sat with my feet up most of the day. Bleeding was manageable. Cramps were minimal--I felt like I had done too many sit-ups & had stronger than usual period cramps. 
Day 3: I felt good & got out of the house, moving slowly of course. 
Day 4: Lots of cramps again, somewhat like labor contractions but very close together. Bleeding was somewhat more. I believe I passed some small tissue (it was slightly grayish & not just a clot but it was quite small). May have also overdone it the day before. 
Day 5: Less crampy & bleeding seems to be tapering off again but still an alarmingly bright red. Some small clots. Son cramps also now seem to be more related to my bowels & bladder--it seems any pressure is causing cramping, which I remember also experiencing with my first m/c.

Dat 12: Still bleeding, medium to light flow but always bright red. Woke up to some cramping & in the morning passed a small amount of tissue that was definitely remains of the pregnancy (& probably part of the placenta). I'm still hoping to avoid d&c but this is taking a long time.


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## kindofcrunchy82

I will share my story since it is fresh in my mind.

I found out very early i was pregnant. I was 10 dpo and i took a test and had a faint line. It was surprise baby but dp and i were so excited! I waited about a week and then called to make my first prenatal appointment. It was set for about 9.5 weeks, about a month from when i called. 

Everything was fine, i was really 'feeling' pregnant, then around week 6.5 on a monday I woke up and just didn't feel the same, my appetite was gone, i thought maybe morning sickness was about to set in. I went to bed and the next morning i noticed a bit of brownish discharge. No biggie at first but then i had red blood, so i decided to call md wife office. By late afternoon I got a call back and they said i didn't need to be seen that day but they moved my appointment to friday (it was tuesday) i had to see another midwife i didn't know but just wanted to get in asap for my peace of mind. Tuesday was horrid. I had bad cramps, just spotting though. My breast became less tender. Wednesday and thursday were more like period days, though thursday i had what i would call mild labor like cramps, likely my cervix was dilating. I remember lying on the couch and murmuring, I think i need to push. I then went to the bathroom and out plopped a mass the size of a golf ball. I know it was the baby and tissue. I called for dp and we looked at it, is was bloody but we saw fleshy like tissue. We didn't take it out of the toilet. I broke down. I didn't know what to do. I finally had dp flush it because i just couldn't do it. I felt okay physically. I had appt the next day. I had slight after labor cramping. At my appt i was checked for hcg, progesterone and thyroid. I waited the weekend and found out my progesterone was low and hcg was only 185, i went in again on monday and the following morning i was told my hcg was 28. By tuesday bleeding had stopped. So about 1 week in all from beginning to end. I have a hard time being unpregnant, in just 3 weeks we had made so many plans and were already trying to decide on baby names. We will likely try later, but this baby was loved so much already, it is hard to let it go just yet.


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## EmilyBeran

The thread is very helpful


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