# i have a happy husband....stitch............



## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

IT SUCKS!!!!!!!

Now what do i do?????????????????









suggestions? anyone?

i miss my husband!!!!


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'm not exactly sure what you're saying. Are you saying your midwife/doc did a "husband stitch" and stitched you up too tight after an episiotomy?


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## MamaTaraX (Oct 5, 2004)

To the best of my knowledge, there isn'tanything you can "do" about it. You're kind of stuckwith it and you have to get used to it, I'm sad to say. You could, in theory, do perineal massage to see if that will stretch it a little but that would be very uncomfortable and I'm not sure if the discomfort would be worth the possible long-term benefit. I've never seen anything say to do that, so don't take my word for it, I was justthinking out loud really. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope that a lot of slow-paced lovins with some good lube are in your future.

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (7), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I did talk with another mom who had this done to her, and she is using Evening Primrose Oil on it to hopefully loosen it up. I second the perineal massage. It will probably be uncomfortable, but it could loosen up some of that scar tissue. I looked up "happy husband stitch" on google, but just found other women with the same complaint and no solution.


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## Snowdrift (Oct 15, 2005)

Not a solution, but it could help you feel a bit better about it. Sue the doctor. I don't think that that is standard procedure anymore and there may also be an informed consent issue. Possibly even battery.

A whole heap of money could both help fund possible plastic surgery and could also prevent your doctor from doing the same thing to other women.

(Disclaimer: this is *not* legal advice).


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tie-dyed*
Not a solution, but it could help you feel a bit better about it. Sue the doctor. I don't think that that is standard procedure anymore and there may also be an informed consent issue. Possibly even battery.

A whole heap of money could both help fund possible plastic surgery and could also prevent your doctor from doing the same thing to other women.

(Disclaimer: this is *not* legal advice).


I second this..........
~Michelle


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## ashleep (Jul 20, 2004)

:


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## MamaTaraX (Oct 5, 2004)

I doubt that suing would do much good. First they'd have to prove the episiotomy was unnecessary. While most are, it's hard to prove. They are done "at drs descrection", therefore hard to prove. Then you'd have to say something along the lines of "Id idn't want the best possible repair job" because again, the repair job is at the dr's descretion









Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (7), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)


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## jerawo (Jan 28, 2003)

How horrible







:

My MW told the NP who sewed me up to make sure she sewed me "nice and loose." I'm thankful for that. DH also watched her put every stitch in me.


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jerawo*
How horrible







:

My MW told the NP who sewed me up to make sure she sewed me "nice and loose." I'm thankful for that. DH also watched her put every stitch in me.


lucky


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

yeah so.... massage, and actually HOPE for a tear w/ baby #3?????????

I hate to get all emotional but....

My baby is only 5 months old, and it is extrememly painful and uncomfortable to have sex, and i am no where near ready emotionally to conceive any time soon! So, am i just doomed to this?























( just to clarify.... i truly think it was an accident. I had a hospital birth with a midwife, and i tore really badly. I think she just sewd a little too small....)

OOOPS!


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

i'm so sorry that you are in pain over this barbaric stitch. i had never even heard of that.


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## Undercover Hippie (Sep 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theeLogans*
yeah so.... massage, and actually HOPE for a tear w/ baby #3?????????

I hate to get all emotional but....

My baby is only 5 months old, and it is extrememly painful and uncomfortable to have sex, and i am no where near ready emotionally to conceive any time soon! So, am i just doomed to this?























I am so sorry you are going through this. I've had these feelings too, and it is awful.

I tore badly with my DS and had quite a few stitches. Even reflecting on it now, I don't think my OB did an extra stitch or anything like that, maybe he repaired me as best he could but it sure ain't too pretty.







I am still angry and sad about the stitching job but I think there is more to it than that. Regardless of whether it was stitched too tight or not, having that much tearing and that many stitches just takes a long time to heal from, especially if you have breastfeeding hormones and dryness going on.

It was a long while before sex was back to normal for me, but it did improve a lot over that first year. We kept trying as slowly as I needed to, we used astroglide, and we also switched birth control so we didn't need condoms anymore, because they were like an extra bit of hell for me. By 9-12 months, sex was good most of the time but other times it was still bad. Certain positions, trying to go too fast, etc... sometimes my perineum would even tear a little and I'd get a bit of bleeding afterwards. I remember at 13 months crying to my friends because I'd had pain and bleeding during sex *again* and no one else could relate, it seemed like no one else had problems for so long.

But, my hormones kept shifting, my body kept healing, my tissues kept stretching... it will happen for you too. Our bodies are resilient!








mama! Hang in there!

ETA: I had a friend who also had this problem and she went back to her midwives repeatedly demanding help (something it didn't even occur to me to do). First they gave her an estrogen cream for the area and eventually they removed some scar tissue (sounds awful but she said it was no big deal) and that solved the problem completely. So, discussing this with your care provider would be a good idea too, in case there are medical interventions that can be done to help you. Good luck!


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

I had the same thing! I don't notice it anymore (my DD is now 5 months). Maybe I'm used to it or maybe as time has passed that part just went with the flow of things so to speak. I didn't do anything to mine. I just let it be and grumbled silently to myself about the stupid doctor.


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## greenmansions (Feb 16, 2005)

I have heard of going to physical therapy for things like this - I think they help you stretch it slowly. Maybe ask your MW or an OB/GYN about that option. I don't know much more about it than this, I had a referral to a PT for a similar problem but never went due to time and $.

Sorry this happened to you! Like it isn't hard enough to get in the mood after a baby...


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## Mariposa (Nov 12, 2002)

that sucks. i was sure i was sewn too tight by my MW as well, but it eventually resolved when my DD was nursing a little less. i think it might have been related to hormones from breastfeeding, not just the sewing from my tear. it could have stretched, but we don't "do it" that much, so i don't think it did. i hated it though and it felt like i was a virgin every time for awhile.

make sure you use a good lubricant before sex and try to make sure you are nice and in the mood. i think that helps a bit.

hope it gets better. i soo remember the pain...ouch.








s


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I am pretty sure I didn't have the extra stitch but I was quite sore from the scarring and nerve involvement for months after dd1's birth. I did do some massage down there and stretched myself out, used lots of lubricant when needed, and eventually it did get better. A warm bath before you get intimate helps some, too. When I massaged, I targed the scar tissue and pressed on it from both sides, then stretched. Eventually the scar got thinner and more flexible and was not a problem anymore.

When I got pg with dd2 I did more stretching just so I wouldn't tear and for whatever reason I didn't (well just a tiny bit, healed on its own). I'm so sorry you are in pain. It really stinks, huh?


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## Bleu (Mar 6, 2004)

I can't tell if everyone else thinks this is so obvious it doesn't even need to be said, but my thought is: when it comes to sex, if it hurts, don't do it.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I'm with the PP: even if you don't sue for assault, I would at least talk to a medical lawyer. I'd also consult a gynaecologist about reconstructive surgery: I know enough people who've had their tears or episiotomies restitched to know it's not unheard of.
As far as massage goes, I hear very good things about rosehip seed oil and scar tissue: I've been using it on my stretchmarks and they aren't looking any worse- possibly even better than they used to.


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## orangebird (Jun 30, 2002)

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't have any stitches with my last two babies, actually only a skidmark with baby #2 and not even a skidmark with baby number #3. With baby #2 it hurt soooooo bad to have sex, like horrifyingly bad for many months, I wasn't comfortable for at least a year. And now my third baby is a little over 3 months and sex hurts like hell. Really tight, especially on the outer part. And the part where it feels tight is the entrance, where it would have been stitched if I had stitches, which I didn't, so it could just hurt because it hurts. Hopefully with time and patience it will feel like normal again.

I'm glad to hear it was an accident and not some old school OB doing it on purpose. That really pisses me off that they used to and might still do that.


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## MotherWhimsey (Mar 21, 2005)

I got sewn really tight too. We tried to have sex at 6 weeks, and I about jumped out of my skin it hurt so bad. I don't know if this is any encouragement, but dd is 18 mos now, and just this past two weeks I've really noticed that I don't feel like a virgin every time. Before that, we just had to go really slow and use an ungodly amount of lube. But I think it's getting better now. At least now I know to ask them to stitch me loosely next time if I need it.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bleu*
I can't tell if everyone else thinks this is so obvious it doesn't even need to be said, but my thought is: when it comes to sex, if it hurts, don't do it.

What if you want to have sex?


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## Jane's4 (Oct 18, 2005)

Poor mama. With my twins, I ended up with an episiotomy/4th degree tear that hurt terribly for a long time. I finally went back to my midwife, who removed some of the scar tissue with silver nitrate. Only hurt for a second. After that, the only time it hurt was during sex. So, after a while I went to a gyn and she said the best way to stretch everything out again was to regularly have sex. Of course, when something hurts, your instinct is to avoid it. But I think if you've had some trauma in your birthing experience, avoiding intimacy can slow your emotional recovery, if not prevent it all together. She recommended astroglide and a slow gentle approach, and things very slowly got better. By the time the twins were one, it rarely hurt during sex, and for whatever reason, during my next pregnancy, everything pretty much got back to normal.

Good luck--it really does get better!


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

Can you talk to your midwife? If it is painful perhaps you can have some minor 'deconstructive' surgery. I have no idea if that is possible but it seems terrible to live with that kind of pain.


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## Snowdrift (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mara*
I'm glad to hear it was an accident and not some old school OB doing it on purpose. That really pisses me off that they used to and might still do that.

Yes, glad to hear it was not deliberate.

When I mentioned legal action I ws assuming that it was deliberate by the proverbial old school ob. I do think that more woman who are abused by ob's (and medwives) should take legal action, but to attempt to punish someone for what may be a slight error or possibly a natural reaction to a traumatic injury is wrong.

I'm not making a birth-plan cuz i don't want to forcus on possiblity of transport, but I'm make darn sure that if we do end in a hospital at the the first sign of troulbe DH points out to everyone in the room that I'm a law studetn and have lots of lawyer friends and will gladly sue the pants off anyone who violates standards for informed consent!


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *USAmma*
What if you want to have sex?

Well, obviously if you want to have sex in spite of it hurting so bad, that's your choice. I think her point was that if you _don't_ want to have sex because it hurts (or, of course, for any reason,) don't.


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

yeah, i went to an herbal store today and got somthing thatt........i dont remember what it is called right now, but i will check and post it later (trying to rock the little one to sleep whilst i write)

thank you for all the encouragement though, my husband is being so sweet about it which also helps so much...

i did have an emotional melt down today though- i think i freaked out my 2 yo!


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

Okay, it is called " Arnica Alleve", it is an herbal flower oil by Seasons of the soul..... Its a spray.... So we shall see.

I am also going to try the rose hip seed oil - that was suggested to me too.

So - I think i will try it NOW!!!


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## Boof (Dec 1, 2004)

My MW recommended the epi-no.

Cheers!

Beth


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## Bleu (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *USAmma*
What if you want to have sex?

Then you should try another sex act that does NOT hurt.


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## Bleu (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fourlittlebirds*
Well, obviously if you want to have sex in spite of it hurting so bad, that's your choice. I think her point was that if you _don't_ want to have sex because it hurts (or, of course, for any reason,) don't.

Yep. And with all the posts talking about how "understanding" male partners are, I think it needs to be said.


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Boof*
My MW recommended the epi-no.

Cheers!

Beth

What is that?


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

In regards to "understanding" husbands...... I have an amazing one. It makes him cry to think that i am in pain. And, I do want to be with him..... I crave him. That is why i do it anyway; i miss him, and we both need it. I would never make love to him without wanting to, and he wouldn't want me to. I guess i am just super blessed with a man that knows how to truly love me with his heart and not his penis.

( Side note: I have also had a lot of bad experiences sexually before him.... he would never want to do anything that would bring back those bad memories....)

So, yeah, there ARE understanding ones out there.


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

Hmmm, maybe she means something like this or this?

I think they're close to the same, but something like that maybe.









ETA: I found their homepage here.


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## nurturinglovely (Sep 1, 2005)

is there a version of it that i can get for free at a hospital or something??? We dont have $150.........


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## greenmansions (Feb 16, 2005)

If you were to go the route of seeing a physical therapist, you would probably get whatever devices they prescribe covered by insurance... Might be worth checking out.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I have not given birth myself but I have suffered from PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction). Sex was sometimes painful and I had many bladder problems and pain. I saw a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic issues and it has completely changed my life! I would highly recommend this to anyone with these issues. I didn't do biofeedback but she did some internal and external massage, taught me to do internal massages and stretches with this special dildo called a Crystal Wand which is curved so that you have the right angle to stretch the muscles, and I also did some physical exercises. Please check it out - I am so much happier now. And I also plan to do the same regimen while pregnant and after birth to keep those muscles relaxed, yet in shape.


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## tinyshoes (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AutumnMama*
Hmmm, maybe she means something like this or this?

I think they're close to the same, but something like that maybe.









ETA: I found their homepage here.

OMG, that is crazy-cool.

I don't know if I wish I wouldda had that, but I want to say: this product exists, which recoignizes the importance of women's bodies and women's muscles.

Contrary to OB wisdom, baby "delivering" is _not_ about crotches needing to be cut--it's about the inherent strength that women can have, and how all sorts of bodily strengths are lost to us, in our drive-thru sit-down plumbing-in-our-houses cultures.

* * *

I am the unhappy victim of a tight stitch-job after my unneccesary episiotomy during birth #1. I couldn't use a tampon until 13 months post-partum. Intercourse during my second pregnancy was--on rare occassion--stingingly painful.

And then my second baby was born.........
........and I tore........
.......and it was a gift. The tear _undid_ the crappy stitch-job done by my OB. The tear healed without stiches. Though I'm not exactly the same as I was pre-baby (what is?!), my goodness, I feel GOOD. And I felt good...was gettin' it on 4 weeks post-partum after baby #2.

Obviously, I understand that "have another baby" isn't the handiest advice, but I wanted to post my experience here, in case that is useful to the OP or someone else reading this thread.


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## tinyshoes (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PikkuMyy*
I have not given birth myself but I have suffered from PFD (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction). Sex was sometimes painful and I had many bladder problems and pain. I saw a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic issues and it has completely changed my life!

Me too--changed my life!!! Totally awesome!!! I saw a pelvic floor physical therapist (probs w/ saggy bladder) and learned so much about pelvic muscles, tissues, nerves, and whole body mechanics. I got a referral from my CNM; maybe you can, too.


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