# Today was his due date



## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

December 13th... born exactly six weeks early, and died.
It's only been December 13th for 38 minutes but it's filling my head, and I feel cold and empty. I still feel kicking sometimes, is that strange? I swear I feel kicking. It sometimes wakes me up at night and for a split second I reach down to feel and then remember that my belly is gone, and he is gone. I can't feel him no matter how hard I try.

My incision doesn't hurt anymore, I think the lochia is finally stopping, my breasts have gone back to normal and sometimes I feel like it never happened. I was never pregnant, or had a c-section, or lost a son... it was just some bad dream. Or something that happened so long ago I can barely remember.

I still haven't packed away his clothes or diapers. I had this beautiful onesie sent to me in a swap that says, "Born at home". Just thinking about it makes me cry. I want to save it, because my next babies WILL be born at home, but can I ever see it without thinking it was supposed to be his?...


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

oh mama I am so sorry


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

littleteapot,
i am so sorry you are feeling this emptiness, i wish so hard that jericho could have been with you today... i felt kicking for months after coral was born. it made me wonder if i would have felt it if she had lived... it became so common that eventually it made me feel a little happiness, being able to remember what she felt like inside me. all of coral's clothes are considered 'hand-me-down's' for the next baby... we went and bought a dress especially and only for her, and i'll put it in with the rest of everything that had anything to do with her short time here, we bought a little toybox for this purpose. you're little onesie may be a special item for jericho, it symbolizes all of the hopes you had for him, the way you planned his life on the outside world to start. of course, nothing can change what happened, but that doesn't mean that your hopes and plans for his life with your family just disappear... i carry these dreams and wishes i had for coral around with me daily, i imagine doing these things with her, and deep down inside i hope she can somehow know i still 'carry through' with what i wanted to do with her- take her for walks, carry her in her sling, stroke her head, show her the first snow... i include her in these experiences, real and imagined...

you're in my thoughts today, as well as little jericho on his due date...


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## paisley (Jul 2, 2004)

Thinking of you and your family today, littleteapot.
















Jericho


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

Thinking of you mama and your precious Jericho.Peace and blessings.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Littleteapot,
I am sorry you are hurting so much. I can understand how you feel about this being a bad dream -- now that my body is recovered physically and the world seems to keep on going with or without me I sometimes feel like this is all so unreal, that it never happened and I was never pregnant. And I don't feel kicks but I feel flutters, like the flutters I felt when I was first able to feel Carrie move -- I just wish she were there, just as I wish Jericho was still with you.
Be gentle with yourself, take the time to keep his things around you as long as you need to. There is no reason to pack them away before you are ready. And maybe that can be Jericho's special onesie -- something that was just his? I have some things that I will hopefully share with a future baby but a couple special things are tucked away in a memory box because they remind me of Carrie and I feel like they belong to her even if she never got to use them.







Thinking of you tonight and sending hugs your way.








Jericho


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

s to you, littleteapot. I have many of the same feelings that you do. I feel kicks, my left breast is still producing milk, and I have these vivid dreams of holding Reagan and playing w/her, and nursing her, and slinging her.







It's such a sad life and nobody should have to go through this. I'm thinking of you and your sweet Jericho.







s


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## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

My heart goes out to you. It just doesn't seem real sometimes. I have put aside Bailee's going home outfit and the socks I was going to put on her along with the blanket that she was wrapped in. Her clothes will be "hand me downs" for the next little one but for me those items were Bailee's. You can put away what you feel was meant for him as mementos of his short life. I know when I see Bailee's purple outfit, I think of her. It's been 3 1/2 months for me since Bailee Elise was born still. I miss her so much every day. My life, our lives, will be different forever. But just know that your little one knows how much you love him and you along with all of us will see our little ones again one day.

-liz


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I am so sorry he's not here but am sure he'll always be in your and your family's heart. Jericho only knew love...


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## 1Plus2 (Mar 13, 2003)

I am so sorry, Mama. My due date just passed as well (12/3) and it was such a sad day. I woke up thinking "I should be the mother of 4 today." I'm still the mother of 4 but one of my precious ones is in heaven instead of in my arms.


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