# I want to be a mommy. Is this normal for my age?



## 00646 (Jan 18, 2008)

Oh I've never posted to this thread.
Sorry but I wasn't sure where to post this since there seems to be no place for it. Thank goodness there is a group out there for men and women like me that would like children but cannot have them at the current time.

I've just been having these feelings for a long time. Everything I see a family I just want to cry. Every time I see my parents take my brother out to his activities I feel this deep emptiness.

It is normal for a 20-year-old girl that cannot have a child at this moment to think this way? It is driving me insane.

I just have so many things I have to do before I can even think about adopting or conceiving a child of my own.

Examples are I have to complete college, I'm not yet marry to my Fiancé, we don't have stable jobs, a savings, others things along those lines, and we don't have a house.

So it would be selfish of me to bring a child into the world under these conditions.

Is this a normal feeling? How can I deal with wanting to be a mom? It's a dream I've always wanted. But my Fiancé saying I'd be a wonderful mother, or my mom saying you should be a teacher like me because I'm so good with kids, other people begging me to watch there children, and kids themselves drawn to me. Doesn't help.

I'm going insane. How can I deal with these feelings?


----------



## Sage.Naissance (Feb 5, 2008)

Thats biology sister. I hear you.
I attend births. Just being at births makes you ovulate.... But just keep your eye on what you want to acheive before you have babes. I know it may be a long way away, its tough. I have to go to midwifery school, find a partner, practice as a midwife and pay my student loans and save up before I can have kids, it seems like forever! At least 5 more years...
In other words, yes its normal. However, you need to make sure that your maternal desire is not something a bit deeper, that it is indeed just a thirst for a fam. If its too strong you might want to check out your motivations for it. Unreconciled issues between families, a feeling of being unloved, and other things sometimes drive us to want to have babies to fill that void. A baby wont fill the void that is meant for someone else, so having babies won't help that, so its a good thing to examine and think about before we have babies.
Not saying that is the case but if you are concerned about the strength of your maternal cravings its something you may want to consider.


----------



## lachingona1 (May 16, 2007)

...I know how you feel.

A year after I graduated high school I had really wanted to have children. Those feelings got really strong when I was 19 and in massage school. I graduated, got married to my high school sweetheart and got preggo 3 weeks later.









I know this doesn't help much but I do know how you feel, these are very normal feelings!


----------



## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Hang in there! I'm 29 and TTC #1, though I have wanted a baby forever! Go to college, get married and enjoy your life together, if that's something you want to do also. You might be a much happier mom if you achieve some of the goals you have set for yourself, plus, life outside of college is much different than while in it. Yes, there are age constraints for getting pregnant (we've been trying for 7 months for #1), and I wish we'd have started a bit earlier, but personally, I am very happy to have gotten my degree and been able to spend wonderful one-on-one time with my DH. We've grown a lot over the years (I met him when I was 20, been married for the last 5 1/2) and bringing a baby into our home at this point will be a great experience. I don't think I could've said that when we were both first working 70+ hours per week (I'm not anymore) and when we were still figuring out how to fully compromise with each other. Plus, we've had some great conversations about how we want to raise our children and discussed our differences. We did that in college some, but our opinions have changed a little since then, especially after being able to watch how others we worked with and have been around have raised theirs. My urge to have children has gone up and down like a rollercoaster, though it's never really gone away. There is no "right" time to have kids as there's always some goal to achieve, but list out your priorities and have your fiance write down his. Maybe decide which ones to focus on now before getting married or having kids and those that you want after each of those. And by all means, if you think you have a gift with children, and you enjoy using that gift, check into your career options so you can use it. (Of course, sometimes watching certain kids is enough to make you want to wait a bit longer.... or wish you could just jump in and be the mom you've been wanting to be!)


----------



## saimeiyu (Aug 13, 2007)

First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.

In fact, I have real trouble comprehending why on earth you should go to college FIRST, then get a job, and THEN have kids. Why not... Get a job till you have kids when you're young... then when your kids are grown enough, go to college and get a degree-requiring job. That way you don't have to "sacrifice" your career in order to have kids, or spend all your money on childcare.

That probably doesn't help you much, I know. To be honest, ... I never really dealt with those feelings except to get married and have my DD. I'll go to college later. When my kids are all grown enough to go to school or move out of my house, I'll only be 45 or 50... That's certainly not too old to learn, but it IS too old to have any more kids, so this "either or" mentality will never be dealt with by me.

I just wanted to tell you it's perfectly normal-- because NOW is the best time for your body to be having kids.


----------



## Amandamanda (Sep 29, 2007)

, you are totally normal for feeling this way. i knew my entire life that i wanted to be a mom, and while i can't say that i PLANNED for it to happen this way, i am 22 and due in 5 weeks with my third.

someone once said if you wait for the perfect time to have kids, that time will never come.

listen to your heart AND your mind.. i know sometimes its hard to do both, but things will be okay.


----------



## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

When you think about it, we begin our fertile phase of life as early as 11 years old. Simply being fertile doesn't make us ready to have children, though. But the fertility cycles can make us acutely aware of our desire to have them.

I want to give you a big congratulations on trying to keep your focus on your goals that you want to achieve before you have kids. I totally disagree with the poster who suggested have your kids before you get your education.

We NEVER know what life is going to throw at us. And if you have children, I think the most responsible thing is to have prepared yourself to get out there and earn a living to provide for them if you are unable to stay home. If something happened that you had to get out and be the breadwinner for your children, and you had no college education, what options would you have? Flipping burgers doesn't pay well.

Stick with your goals. Get your education, get settled with your fiancé and create a family that can support children. Meanwhile, spend time with nieces and nephews or little brothers or friends' children. Or get a job apprenticing with a midwife, or train to be a doula. Babysit. Whatever, to get a baby fix until the time is right for you.


----------



## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.

I just wanted to tell you it's perfectly normal-- because NOW is the best time for your body to be having kids.

I aggree, DH and I can't seem to do anything in the right order







we bought our house, then got married. I have an ass/ degree in something not really related at all. and we are TTC #1!

Much love, and do what you feel is right in your heart. Talk to your DF and see what page he is on. I do feel that if you and DF can't talk about something your arn't ready yet. That also doesn't mean that you can't get prepared!


----------



## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

I felt exactly the way that you do now when I was 20. I married my dh when I was 20 (right after he graduated from college -- he then went to grad school, and I finished my degree). Ds was conceived the month that I graduated from college (I was a month shy of being 24 at the time -- I had taken some time off because of completely unrelated issues).

My suggestion is to wait until you have your degree, and probably until you're married. I don't agree with the mindset that you have to have everything perfectly in order to have a baby, but a little time, a little security (a degree and/or knowing what interests you and having that experience), and a little savings go a long way. Use this time now to get your ducks in a row in other ways -- scrutinize your eating habits, your buying/saving habits, talk with your fiance about your goals, learn everything you can about the natural process of birth, learn about parenting, and most importantly take the time to learn about yourself and your future husband.

Even people who wait until they have everything in order financially and until they've "lived" a little can have a really hard time with parenthood because they haven't learned to budget, to eat well, to carve time for themselves and each other, to fully understand what they're embracing when they have a child -- they think of the financial issues and the lifestyle changes, but those are changeable from person to person. Take some time now to set up good habits and acquire understanding and to make sure that your relationship with your future partner is rock solid -- those things will serve you more as a parent than a certain dollar figure in the bank, or a certain number of years spent as a single woman. Having a vocation in addition to motherhood, though, is incredibly important.


----------



## onetwoten (Aug 13, 2007)

I'be been emotionally ready to be a mom since I graduate high school. I had been with my (then bf) DH for 4 months when I essentially woke up one morning just *Knowing* and an ache in my heart. It hasn't gone away. How do I deal with it while I get my life in order? I immerse myself in all things family/baby. I'm getting myself and my body int he best possible health for a pregnancy and birth. I'm switching my home over to more natural and kid friendly cleaning and remedies. I'm eating more organic. I'm learning about parenting and childbirth.

THe last few years I have been studying to be a doula, and will be attending my first birth in a few weeks. If I can't be birthing my own babies, at least I can help others birth theirs, right?

And lastly, and the thing most people freak out about, but soothes my soul perhaps the most... is that I buy things for my babies. Everytime I'm feeling down or especially wanting, I go browse sales, or value village, etc and I pick up some incredibly cute baby clothes, accessories. I save a ton of money in the meantime, only getting things VERY cheap, and it makes me feel like at least I'm doing something towards making it easier for us to have kids. BEcause I have so much prepared already, it's one less large financial purchase we'll need to make. I don't have to put out hundreds of dollars for clothes and blankets, as I've already gotten almost everything I'll need. Crazy for some, but healing for me. When I get super sa, I take out the rubbermaid tubs, dump them on the bed, and spend a few hours going through them, and daydreaming. Whatever works, right?

I'm now looking at a shorter countdown finally, but it's dependant on DH getting his career started, which will probably be another 2 years. It's better than the 6 it used to be, but still seems so far away.


----------



## TheGirls (Jan 8, 2007)

I felt this way from the time I was 8, at least. I waited until 26 to conceive, and I think it was a really good decision, though it was REALLY hard at the time. I wanted to conceive the day I graduated highschool. Then the day I graduated college... But I waited about 3 years after college to help get my life in order and to wait for my DP to be ready too. It was worth it, because there's so much less to stress over now, I can really just enjoy this. I have a lot more security now because I know I can get a job and support myself and the child if necessary, I know how to budget and save and live within my means. I've been through some things in the last few years that were life altering, and I know that I can deal with change.

Waiting, however, was REALLY REALLY hard. I remember being in college and calculating which month I could conceive in in order to not give birth until after graduation. And crying when I realized that I needed to wait longer than that. For me, it helped to cultivate non-baby oriented activities. Jeninejessica's approach would've killed me, I think, though it obviously works for some. I did better with distraction. I joined all sorts of outdoor groups with people my age, went kayaking, canoeing, camping, windsurfing, white water rafting, etc... I threw myself into my academic work. I travelled to China and Eastern Europe. I basically developed a life where I didn't have time for a baby. It worked pretty well. Then a year or so ago, I deliberately slowed down and started planning to conceive.

I'll have this baby at age 27, so I most likely have a few fertile years left, too.


----------



## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi There,
I think what you're feeling is COMPLETELY normal. In the months leading up to the conception of my DD, my body would literally ache with longing every time I heard a baby cry or walked past a pregnant woman. Its very strange how your body/hormones seem to pull you in the direction of having children, or, in some of my girlfriend's cases, push you completely in the opposite direction


----------



## double feature (Mar 4, 2008)

You're not nuts. This is completely normal







. Funny I should stumble upon this thread, I had a touching conversation with my 19-year-old DD1 shortly after DD3 was born in May 2007. She basically expressed to me this deep-seeded desire for a baby of her own. After seeing me through my own pregnancy, being there right after DD3 was born, basically being a second parent, in a sense, to the baby, I really am not surprised she felt like this. And she's very much in the same position as you - 19, in a long-term relationship with her BF of four years, she's got her own place, but she's in second year at university and has so many other things she wants to do before "settling".

Of course, I'm not going to encourage her to have a baby nor will I encourage you, but I agree with one of the PP's... who _says_ college has to come before family? *If everyone waited for the "right" time to have a baby, no babies would be born!* I suggest you really look at this from different stances, the positives and negatives of the situation before you make a decision. Good luck, sweetie







.


----------



## guestmama9904 (Jul 6, 2002)

I got pregnant with my son at age 19 and have never regretted it, not for a minute! I always knew I wanted to have babies and be a mother and I took the chance as soon as i could support myself and a child.

I would suggest getting married first and making absolutely sure that you want to be with your partner forever because it's a bummer to not get to have your kiddo be raised in an intact family unit, it just is harder for the kids and yourself. my son lives with me 60% of the time and his dad 40% of the time. i miss him when he's not with me and I am sure his dad feels the same.

i think marriage is really great and I always have wanted to be married, it provides me with a sense of spiritual fulfillment and security in a practical way. i am now married to the man I love more than I could have imagined and am so happy. everyone has their own individual path and mine was to do it this way.

personally I think it is a great diservice to women to tell them to wait until they're in their thirties to have a family because getting pregnant gets harder and having healthy outcomes gets harder the older you get. not to say that you cant have a perfectly great pregnancy in your thirties but statistically it may be harder to achieve.

also college degrees are not all they're cracked up to be. my husband went to a technical school for 2 years and has a very good salary and a secure job because he is talented and personable, not because he got an expensive 6 year degree. my father is a very successful bussiness owner and he never graduated college. i on the other hand have 30,000$ in student loans and am a sahm! yikes!


----------



## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

Totally normal to feel that way.

I had my daughter at 20 and did a little college before that, my then fiancee had a stable job. After our daughter was born he ended up jobless for the 1st 6months of her life and we managed with living in a very high cost of living area.
We got married when she was 8months old.


----------



## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
First, I think it's completely normal and natural.

Second... I know I'm probably in the minority, but... I don't consider all of those reasons to be valid binding reasons to not have a kid yet.


I agree. There will never be a good time to have a kid. There will ALWAYS be something in the way. Once you are pregnant and have a baby you may find they fit into your lifestyle just fine. Having a baby at a younger age did not wreck my life one tiny bit.


----------



## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arismama!* 

i think marriage is really great and I always have wanted to be married, it provides me with a sense of spiritual fulfillment and security in a practical way. i am now married to the man I love more than I could have imagined and am so happy. everyone has their own individual path and mine was to do it this way.



I am single by choice, and really I have always marriage was a silly waste of time. What you just wrote was so insightful.


----------



## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I was just thinking about this today after seeing a disturbing commercial for Maury's talk show this morning in which 14 yr old girls were being basically abused and ridiculed for wanting babies. I'm certainly not advocating or encouraging young teens to choose to have a baby but I feel like our society has decided anyone unmarried, under age 25 or 30 and/or low income should NEVER consider having a child. Unfortunately, several hundred thousand years of evolution and biology are screaming otherwise at us.

I wanted, actively WANTED and longed for, a baby from age 15 or 16. I often threw caution to the wind with boyfriends and skipped birth control pills hoping for an "accident". I would daydream about what I would name my baby and fantasize about cuddling it and nursing it and every time my period was late I would feel excited. Looking back I can honestly say this was unrelated to bad parenting or lack of love or immaturity- I would have and could have been a solidly responsible parent even at that age as MANY girls are, all over the world. There is nothing wrong or shameful in wanting a baby at any age. However, there is something to be said for being independent and able to support yourself and your own baby, and to be free to be the kind of parent you'd want to be- ie, not having to work night and day just to make rent.

At 19 I did become pregnant and miscarried, and at 21 miscarried again, both unplanned but caused by my deliberate carelessness. I would have been more than happy to have both of those children and often "miss" my first baby especially (because I carried him 3 months), who I strongly felt was a boy and would be 6 yrs old this August. I think the social stigma of young mothers is unnatural and unnecessary. I finally had my daughter at age 22 I think anyone who wants a baby, who is of sound emotional and mental condition, and who can meet the baby's needs without undue hardship, should be free to have one. I don't think anyone needs to be married, have a house, or have perfect lives. Just reasonably able to give themselves and the baby a good, happy, healthy home environment. If you don't feel you can do this yet, work towards your goals and you will get there.


----------



## Mrsboyko (Nov 13, 2007)

Wow, you are me 5 years ago. I remember distinctly telling my BIL's baby-mom that i was so jealous of her being pregnant all the while she was trying to figure out "what to do about the pregnancy" (keep it or not). It was so hard. I watched a few friends, my SIL, and BIL's GF all have unwanted pregnancies and babies. I was in school, not married yet, not stable finantially at all and yet I had this STRONG desire for a baby.

The thing that got me through it and able to hold off till I was 23 was:

1) school is an excellent distraction. Hard to find time for sex when you are working or in school for 90 hours a week.

2) realizing I wanted a BABY, not a kid. I couldn't imagine this baby being older than like 6 months. I told myself I wouldn't actively TTC till I could imagine myself with at least a 3 y/o. After 3, it would come with experience.

3)Depo induced lack of ovulation. That was not intentional and I wouldn't recommend that route. I was off BC and very sporatic with condoms for nearly 2 years before getting pregnant with DD.


----------



## caribou (Feb 4, 2008)

You seem very mature for your age.

When my friends and I was 20 that last thing we wanted was a kid, we didn't even like being around them, so our 20 year old selves would say that 'no you are not normal'. Part of me still doesn't thinks that a _typical_ 20 year old thinks about wanting kids and badly as you talk about it.

I think it's great that you acknowledge that you have a lot to accomplish and I hope that you do accomplish those before you have kids. You are still very young and have plenty of time to have fun and 'act' your age. Revel in it.

You'll get there one day.


----------



## CAndMe (Feb 6, 2008)

Everything you said could have come out of my mouth, it is so hard! Hang in there, we'll have our babies some day!

Come over to the NMY tribe, we talk about this often


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

There's nothing abnormal about wanting to be a mother when you're 20. I had my first at 22 (BUT- my DH was 10 years older than me and financially stable when we got married and I finished college first.)

Historically, women have gotten married and started families as young as 15 or 16- in societies where women that age (and their DH's who were around the same age as well) COULD function as adults in society and support themselves. That's the difference.

Age 20 is an adult. Whether or not you and your fiance could manage a family right now is something the two of you need to figure out. ITA with the others that there's never a "perfect time" to have a baby, but some times are much more overewhelming than others!


----------



## catters (Nov 20, 2007)

I don't want discourage you from your dreams at all, and being a mother is wonderful and incredibly fulfilling, but I would make sure you have a little stability first. Why make things harder on yourself and I agree with PP that getting married first might be a good idea. You are so young, don't rush things. That said, I'm 31 and only have the one baby and plan on two more. I'm hardly too old to do so and I've wanted children my whole life but I do sometimes wish I had had a baby earlier (say 27), but I NEVER regret my education and the knowledge that I can easily take care of myself and my child/ren if I had to.


----------



## nicolelynn (Aug 18, 2006)

I had a similar thread a couple of months ago (I don't know how to dig it up and post a link).

I am almost 27, have been married for almost 4 years...and ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a Mommy young...like 20. 6 years later.....it's still going to be another 3 years or so.

My baby fever is so bad now, but we around untold thousands of dollars in debt due to all the dental work I've had over the past year (my mouth is still numb as we speak from a filling turned root canal...another couple thousand than expected) and couldn't keep our house with just DH's income as I plan on being a SAHM when we finally do have kids. We are doing our best to be responsible and pay our debts and get financially stable before we have DC as I don't want to bring them into an environment of stress. However, today in the Dentist chair as I was told I needed a root canal I was thinking, "screw it. We can't make it in this economy if we try...and I'm not getting any younger..so lets just have kids now". But I know that would be foolish.

It dosn't help that I have several friends and sister-in-laws with babies all at once now. And guess what? I'm older than all of them. My SIL and her husband and my 2 nephews (age 2.5 and 1) moved in with us, so it's been fun to spend time with them and that helps.

So I just wait and try to count my blessings. I am extremely glad that DH have spent almost 4 years together alone before we have DC. We have a strong foundation and great marriage now. I can't deny my desire, but I can't wallow in it either. It will happen one day.


----------



## WoodlandFairytale (Nov 5, 2007)

I have also wanted a baby desperately since I was about 19. It didn't help that at the time, I was a nanny and around babies and children constantly.

I'm 26 now, and have found the right partner and gotten married and am in a stable situation... which I didn't have at that age. There is definitely something to be said for being able to meet your basic needs independently before making such a big change in your life - you can avoid so much stress. My mom had me when she was 20 and tried to balance college, a new marriage and a baby for a few years and had a very hard time of it and developed PPD. She graduated but it was very tough and financially things were always hard for them.

I would try to wait until you are a bit more 'comfortable', but as other posters have said there's never really a perfect time. When you and your partner both feel that you're ready, you'll know!


----------



## APBTlover (Dec 28, 2007)

It may not be the social norm, but, I feel, it's truly normal.

I remember I was about 18/19 when I was hit with the urge for a child like a bolt of lightning. I already knew I wanted one *someday*, but I remember just suddenly feeling this warmth and longing physically in my womb. The intensity died away as I smothered it under college, transfered to a vocational college, etc. I got a 9-month vocational degree, but now I think I probably won't use it.









I am with some of the other mamas who have said, your circumstances don't _necessarily_ require a long waiting period. *YOU* know what you want most from life, what you need, what will make you feel fulfilled. I was always getting an earful about "college, career, blah blah blah"... my MIL is always dropping "hints" like, "O, if I had it to do all over again, I'd wait until I was 30 to have kids." (Her eldest, my DH, was born when she was 21. Unplanned and frankly unwanted.) She feels like having children at a (culturally) early age kept her from having more money and physical stuff. But we know that those things don't matter to us. As long as we can get enough to eat and stay warm, we are happy to have each other. That's a decision only you and your DP can make.


----------



## onetwoten (Aug 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caribou* 
You are still very young and have plenty of time to have fun and 'act' your age. Revel in it.

You'll get there one day.

I know there was no offense intended by this- but I have to point out that this is one of the least helpful things ever. I encountered it both when I got engaged, and again when talking baby. People assume that if you get married/have children young, then you are missing out and you will always regret not being 'young' and having time to party.

Why is there an assumption in society that everyone wants that? I sure as heck don't. My idea of a fantastic Friday night is sitting at home with a glass of green tea and a rented movie, curled up on the couch with my DH. I don't sit there wishing I was at some party 'acting my age', even though that's where most people my age are.

I just don't think that "enjoying your youth" is really applicable to most people who long for children in this way. I'm not going to wake up in 10 years and wish I had enjoyed myself more... I know how to enjoy myself, it just doesn't happen to include 'doing young things'. KWIM?


----------



## Spring Sun (Jul 30, 2005)

I felt this way, too! I held off until I finished my MA, but somehow got that done when I was 24, so it worked out. I am now 28 with a beautiful 3 year old, although I don't think I or my husband were mature enough for marraige, so that did not work out, but we are great parents together and are raising a really fabulous child together!

But, even being 24,and he was 28, both having MA's,westill struggled finicially, etc... I think it would bebetter to wait, but it all worked out (with a lot ofpain for us, not our son) in the end.


----------



## thismommy (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeninejessica* 
I know there was no offense intended by this- but I have to point out that this is one of the least helpful things ever. I encountered it both when I got engaged, and again when talking baby. People assume that if you get married/have children young, then you are missing out and you will always regret not being 'young' and having time to party.

Why is there an assumption in society that everyone wants that? I sure as heck don't. My idea of a fantastic Friday night is sitting at home with a glass of green tea and a rented movie, curled up on the couch with my DH. I don't sit there wishing I was at some party 'acting my age', even though that's where most people my age are.

I just don't think that "enjoying your youth" is really applicable to most people who long for children in this way. I'm not going to wake up in 10 years and wish I had enjoyed myself more... I know how to enjoy myself, it just doesn't happen to include 'doing young things'. KWIM?


Oh my gosh, I so totally agree 10000% with you!

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, ever since I was a little kid. In jr high I dreamed of being pg, even then. When I finally got af the first time, I would keep track of it perfectly and always *knew* when I could get pg (although I never had sex while in high school). I met dh when I was 18 and I swear we could have gotten married on our first date. We started talking about babies when I was almost 20, and I even went off bcp for a month, but then we changed our minds. I was in college at the time, and started crunching some numbers. I'd need 3ish more years of school, then we could have a baby, but about halfway through the semester, I decided that that just wouldn't work for us. I quit school a few weeks before my 20th birthday and went off bcp (I hated the way they made me feel). We weren't ttc, but we did have a whoops a few months later and now we have our son. We were NOT in a financial position to have a baby, we were living with my parents (until ds was 16m). The ONLY things I would have done differently would have been to get married sooner (we got married when I was 4 months pg...we'd been engaged for 6 months), and saved up ALL our extra money before and during the pregnancy. But instead we went out to eat a lot. We survived though, and I have always stayed home with my kids. I did have a daycare for a year after we moved out of my parents' house to help out while dh went to school (UTI-he's a mechanic, it was the PERFECT program for him, and the right time). We conceived dd while he was in school, and she was born shortly after he finished and we'd just moved to a new state. Once again we were struggling financially, but a year and a half later and we are on our feet. I wouldn't have had my kids any later if I could do it all over. I would have just planned better.

If you're really serious about wanting a baby now and your df agrees, *I* would quit school, and get a second part-time job (or a first job if you don't have one) for a while and save save save. I probably wouldn't work two jobs while pregnant, but I would work a second job while ttc, and then just the regular job as far into the pg as I could. Talk to your df about what his plans are for the future, is he in school? Does his prospective job market look good (like dh considered going to school to make guitars/basses, but the job market was not very promising)? How much financial support will he need from you to finish his schooling?

I guess for me, the most important thing (besides the money we should have saved) was quitting school so I wouldn't be wracking up debt for something I wasn't going to use.


----------



## onetwoten (Aug 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismommy* 
I guess for me, the most important thing (besides the money we should have saved) was quitting school so I wouldn't be wracking up debt for something I wasn't going to use.

I quit school 3.5 years into a degree (would have taken around 12 to finish the WHOLE thing), and for the longest time people assumed that I quit JUST to have kids. They didn't get that I just wasn't passionate about it anymore, and didn't want to do that career! People seem to think you should keep going anyways, just to have a degree, even if you won't use it. But if you won't use the degree, then it's just a really expensive piece of paper! ie- if you want to be a SAHM- then that degree won't really help you- so you're better off taking time off, getting a job, and saving up money.


----------



## APBTlover (Dec 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeninejessica* 
People assume that if you get married/have children young, then you are missing out and you will always regret not being 'young' and having time to party.

..... I'm not going to wake up in 10 years and wish I had enjoyed myself more... I know how to enjoy myself, it just doesn't happen to include 'doing young things'. KWIM?


x1,000,000,000









Really the whole idea of "being a teenager" (which is now being carried over far into the twenties) is a recent development. There's never been a time before when people were given a decade-plus to "party" or whatever. So actually it's those who embrace that lifestyle that are "abnormal" (in the wider scheme of things), rather than those who are ready to embrace husband/children/family in their late teens/early twenties.

That's why I said my MIL had my DH at "a (culturally) young age." 21 would ONLY be considered "too young" by very recent developments.

((I am the queen of () and "" today!!!!







))


----------



## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeninejessica* 
I quit school 3.5 years into a degree (would have taken around 12 to finish the WHOLE thing), and for the longest time people assumed that I quit JUST to have kids. They didn't get that I just wasn't passionate about it anymore, and didn't want to do that career! People seem to think you should keep going anyways, just to have a degree, even if you won't use it. But if you won't use the degree, then it's just a really expensive piece of paper! ie- if you want to be a SAHM- then that degree won't really help you- so you're better off taking time off, getting a job, and saving up money.

Boo to the "act your age" comment.







Honestly, that gets SO old. It's the REASON so many people our age are stereotyped, because it's as if people don't "allow" maturity yet. Weird.

To the point- you're a LOT like me. I got married when I was 18. It wasn't a "teen" marriage at all and really drove me nuts that people treated me like I was so naive and immature for going through with it. I have always been more mature than my age group (it's been really hard at times because I have trouble "fitting in" for that reason), and having met my DH when I was in high school, marriage was naturally the next step once I'd graduated. While all of my friends were off at college partying, I was able to start living my dream and really the ONLY thing I feel called to in life- being a wife, and soon after, a mother. I have NO regrets.

I quit school 3 years into my degree as well. I went the last year pretty much only to make others happy...I'd been going for nursing but decided to stop and continue after my kids are grown, because being a SAHM is an absolute for our family and so I wouldn't get my working hours and therefore would have to do it all over again anyway once I DID want to work (which I'm all for being a SAHW anyway- was one before being a SAHM, so who knows!). So I even changed my major to something I wasn't really interested in just so I could keep going, mostly to keep people off my back about it. Stupid.

As for babies, we had started TTC when we got married and we didn't get pregnant (well, "stay" pregnant...we had 2 miscarriages prior) for 1.5 years. It was a hard journey, considering a few things- that most people my age get pregnant on accident or at the drop of a hat and don't miscarry, and that also, people (like I've seen mentioned here) just expected that I could get pregnant easily at any time so I should just wait until later. For that reason, I'm glad we started when we did. It was painful and heartbreaking at times, but it taught me so much. I'll admit I harbor bitterness but I'm slowly overcoming that. Sadly, though, I don't feel one bit comfortable telling people that we've "tried" to conceive both children...and while I hate that most of them think my kids are either accidents or surprises, I know its a lose lose situation- they'd give me all sorts of negative remarks if they knew we TRIED.

Okaaaay, I just realized how much I've written...sorry!! I don't even really have advice, as I really just wanted to pop in and say that I understand!!! So sorry for the novel...just wanted to let you know you're not alone!!


----------



## Bloomingstar (Mar 8, 2008)

I don't think you're crazy--it's normal and I think you'll eventually know what's best for you.

I didn't have the baby fever for a long time. I couldn't even imagine myself with a kid. And Babies and kids never seemed to like me, either--someone would hand a perfectly happy and calm child to me and the minute I touched them they'd start starfishing--you know, spread out, wiggling and screaming. I figured babies just weren't for me. Even after I'd met my DH when we were 23 (got married at 25, just before we turned 26--it'll be 2 years in May!) I couldn't imagine it. I already had my degree at 21, had a great, stable job even though living in NY is stupidly expensive. DH was still in school finishing his degree...

then all of a sudden 25 hit me like a ton of bricks. I just _felt_ different. The baby fever crept over me slowly...I was meeting pregnant women everywhere, my sister was pregnant, boss was pregnant, women in my dance company were pregnant. Even my parents were asking when I'd be giving them grandkids! I fronted--still am, at least to my parents--that i didn't want kids. But I have IMPOSSIBLY strong baby fever! DH and I have finally started TTC#1. I am ready. I was holding out for grad school for awhile, but only because I felt like I "should" go, not because I wanted to go. It's been 6 years since I finished college and I haven't been the least bit interested in grad school yet. people keep telling me things like if I don't go back now, I never will. That's a bunch of b.s.--I'll go when there's something I actually want to go *for*. I'm doing a 10 month weekend program right now, but i don't want to do more than that. And I love my job, but have been here almost 4 years and there's no higher position for me to get other than the one I don't want. I want to start my own business eventually, and I am working on that slowly but the way I really see my life moving right now is towards having a family. My sister is 31 and has 2 kids--my 7 year old niece and my 1.5 year old nephew. I feel like if I wait any longer, I'll be doing it now for me, but for other people's expectations of me.

It's a little difficult for me also because I live away from most of my family--they're mostly in the south. My cousins who are my age are also married. One is pregnant right now, one, the male one, and his wife just lost their first baby at 6 months in utero--it really hit the entire family pretty hard (my dad's one of 7--I have 16 first cousins on that side). Everyone in my family in my age group or older, except for my one gay cousin, is married, pregnant, engaged, or has kids, or some combination thereof. That makes sense to me.

On the other hand, all of my friends here who have gone to Ivy league or elite colleges and are into the NY rat race and all of that, or are LGBT and my age, are not even anywhere near thinking of babies--I am all alone! Whenever I mention it they're like "oh boy, can't imagine that!"














:

I am rambling--sorry! I guess it struck a nerve. The last thing I'll say is that reading Rebecca Walker's book _Baby Love_ last summer confirmed something for me. She talked about being the child of a famous feminist and all of that, and getting all the great career encouragement and so forth, but no one ever really just talking to her about motherhood and how to plan other aspects of her life like she planned her career. All of the "you can do whatever you want" never told her that fertility was finite.

That said, I have a boss who just had her third child at 42, so I know it varies person to person. I also know that I am SO ready to have my kids now! Even with all of the mixed messages--some people are like "oh god, 27, you're still a baby yourself"--so I can only imagine what you're getting at 20. And other people are like "you're not getting any younger, tick tock!"

I think that after awhile, you'll just become sure enough of your own conviction about it, and figure out what you need to do to make it a reality for yourself--aside from the obvious things you need to do to make it happen


----------



## birthjunkie27 (Jul 6, 2005)

Another vote for normal.

We don't do things "in order" either.

Got pregnant at 19 ON PURPOSE! , married (in our defense our wedding was already in the works before we got pregnant!), and had first baby at 19. Bought first house at 20 (we rented in apartment before then) and had second baby at 21. Third baby was born when I was 24 and now I'm in my first year of college part time. It's ok to do things in whatever order you see fit.







I love that we did things this way.


----------



## jimblejamble (May 18, 2007)

Totally normal. I will be 20 on April 10th and have had strong baby urges for quite a while.


----------



## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

I'm 18 and SO's 19. We're on a break now but things are looking great this cycle....and we're thrilled. We decided to TTC just a few months ago. YOU'RE TOTALLY NORMAL! Its a natural drive makign you feel like this. I've felt like this for a few years now and jsut bearly managed to make it till now to get going.


----------



## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

I'm 21 and have been engaged for 1.5 years. Been together for 3. Been off B/C for 2 years.

I am so very mentally ready. My DP is mentally ready (7 years older then myself). We have talked about EVERY angle of parenting numerous times. I can see myself loving a baby, toddler, child, preteen, teen! I still get nervous, but I'm so sure of myself on this.

We aren't TTC or TTA, just letting it happen. We moved into a new home over the weekend, and my DP said "well have our babies here" speaking about a HB.

I work with children (nanny) and am around trying/pregnant/mothers all day long. I feel as though just because I am a nanny, they think I don't want kids....or am not capable.....or have no views on motherhood. Drives me batty (not all moms are like that, but many....sadly).

We aren't married.
We RENT a home.
We don't have a full savings account.
I have no gone to university (and don't plan to), DP has, but didn't finish, and isn't planning on returning.

It's VERY hard and I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling this way for years now.

I really get upset when women try to make you feel lesser for wanting a child when you 'should' be older, 'should' be married, 'should' be done school. It's so hurtful and closed minded.

I understand!


----------

