# Letting 17yo Daughter Hang Out Home Alone w/Boyfriend?



## Katrinawitch

I just wanted to sound everyone out as to their opinions. My 17 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He's a nice kid, and she's generally a good kid as well. I know they're having (protected, thank goddess!) sex (how I found this out is another matter!). My husband (her step-dad) was brought up very conservatively, and doesn't think they should be allowed home alone together, when we're not there. I really feel that an hour or two alone in the house isn't really that horrible, but I've kept this to myself, because of other peace-keeping issues. I may change my mind and vocalize this soon, however.

That being said, do you let your teenage daughters stay home alone when boyfriends are there? If so, why not?


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## Thursday Girl

I don't have a 17 year old, but if I did, and she had a serious boyfriend who she was having protected sex with, and we had had a talk about the emotional and health issues related to that, then yes I would let them home alone together.


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## iamama

I would let them.


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## mtiger

I wouldn't.


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## the_lissa

I would definitely, definitely let them.


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## UnschoolnMa

Sure, I'd let them. Especially in your situation where you know they are having sex, you know they are protecting themselves... what's the big concern about them being alone together?

Does your Dh know that they are already sexually active?

If it makes your Dh feel any better you can tell him that some people were married and/or parents by that age.


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## TattooedMommy

Oh no. Nope. No way. No how. And I do have a 17 year old daughter. She is not sexually active yet. She has made this choice for herself but I feel that it is my job to "help" her stay on track.

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I had all the discussions with my mom and older sister about safe sex, etc. I lived with my grandma at the time and grandma went out of town and well, we were out of condoms. I don't regret having my daughter, but I do wish I would of waited.


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## barbara73069

I think you should let them alone. First off because it shows them you trust them and also giving them some private time alone is important in any serious relationship. I do that with my 15 yr old and her bf, the only thing is you need to let them know when you'll be back and don't come home earlier than you told them you would be.


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## laoxinat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jewelysmommy* 
I don't have a 17 year old, but if I did, and she had a serious boyfriend who she was having protected sex with, and we had had a talk about the emotional and health issues related to that, then yes I would let them home alone together.









:
I'd so much rather they have a safe, loving not-forbidden place to hang out. I don't want it to be my approval or disapproval that colors DD's decisions about sex. It's her body, and she has shown over and over that she is responsible and respectful. I really feel like in our culture we waste so much energy trying to prevent what our teens might choose not to do anyway if they were really given the responsiblity for their actions. And if they DO choose to have sex, at least it will be just that, a choice, not something they feel compelled to do to prove they can. HTHs!


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## mother_sunshine

They will find a place, wherever it may be. It's a heck of a lot better to have sex in the safe, clean environment of home (with plenty of condoms available) than to have sex in the car, park or wherever.

I would allow it, and make sure there are plenty of condoms (and foam or other bc) in the house. Conservative or not, sex is a part of her life. Best to face it and make sure she's taken care of, right?


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## MamaLisa1

I'm probably more old fashioned, but I say no. If she were 18 and out of high school, and working or attending college full time, or if they had been together for a couple of years and were currently engaged to be married, that would be different. It almost would feel like you're saying "okay we're leaving now, go and have wild sex till you drop!"
I know this was a long time ago, but I wasn't even allowed to have my boyfriend in the house when no one was home when I was 20 (AND, we were engaged)!!!! I moved out shortly after that because I felt that 20 was old enough to be doing certain things I wasn't allowed (like I still had a 12am curfew, LOL)


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TattooedMommy* 
Oh no. Nope. No way. No how. And I do have a 17 year old daughter. She is not sexually active yet.

As far as you know...







:


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## Shellie

If you're ok with them having sex...then I guess there's no reason not to. Unless the boy's parents would be angry that you allowed them to have sex in your home.


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## MamaLisa1

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
As far as you know...







:

some of us have open relationships with our daughters, and DO in fact know that they are not sexually active....mine has admitted what she has done, and we have a pact where she will come to me for contraception if she feels it's going to go further. She is taking a purity pledge though, and believes in only having sex with the man she marries. I don't think she'd go as far as to do that if she were having sex now.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
some of us have open relationships with our daughters, and DO in fact know that they are not sexually active....mine has admitted what she has done, and we have a pact where she will come to me for contraception if she feels it's going to go further. She is taking a purity pledge though, and believes in only having sex with the man she marries. I don't think she'd go as far as to do that if she were having sex now.


My teen daughter tells me that most of the kids that she knows that took the purity pledge WERE sexually active, and used it as a way to throw their parents off the scent. Make of that what you will. She's only 14, so it might have just been bravado on the part of the pledgers to tell their friends that...


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## happyhippiemama

When my DD is 17, I hope to have an open enough of a relationship with her to where I won't kick myself for saying this..

yes, I would.


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## happyhippiemama

When my DD is 17, I hope to have an open enough of a relationship with her to where I won't kick myself for saying this..

yes, I would.


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## MamaLisa1

I could see kids lying about the purity pledge to throw their parents off....I think it just depends on the kid. When my DD told me she absolutely was NOT having sex till marriage, we laughed and she looked at us like we were crazy and said "What's so funny?" She truly believes it. Now, what happens when she goes off to college, remains to be seen...but for now, I have to believe her. She has never given me a reason not to believe her. She even admitted to me that the last few times that she called to tell me she was on her way home, she was actually parked back in the cul-de-sac with her boyfriend!!! She is pretty honest...I think the guilt eats at her.
Also, I have a 3 year old, who is a very difficult child. Both my older girls do NOT want babies for a very long time because of helping out with dear Emma. That said, I _could_ see my DD#2 fibbing about the purity pledge, but we talked about it, and she seems more open to potentially having sex before marriage. She didn't say she wouldn't, let's just say that. So for her, I'll have to be more diligent and on top of things. She knows though, that she is to come to me when she feels that might happen, so we can make sure she has proper protection. I don't think she'll run home and tell me all about it, but I do think she'll ask for help when she needs it. But, I still wouldn't let her be home alone with the guy even if they were using protection. The more sex you have, the more chance of getting pregnant there is....that's a fact. And teenagers aren't notorious for being experts at using birth control. Heck, some adults don't use it properly.


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## mother_sunshine

Thinking more on this...
I don't think she should need your permission. After all, it's her home too. It may not be her "house" (for those who think "my money, my house") but it is her home. Does she need permission to do everything else that is completely, humanly natural? As long as she's considerate about it, as we parents are, kwim?


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## mother_sunshine

double-post. What is with MDC lately.


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## julielenore

I don't want my daughter having sex in my house ever.
I would not be comfortable with that.
I would be Ok with her having sex, just not in my house.

btw I was on my own at 15 and had my first child at 17.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother_sunshine* 
Thinking more on this...
I don't think she should need your permission. After all, it's her home too. It may not be her "house" (for those who think "my money, my house") but it is her home. Does she need permission to do everything else that is completely, humanly natural? As long as she's considerate about it, as we parents are, kwim?

That's pretty much what I think. I also think that it's not really her step father's decision to make.


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## Hesperia

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother_sunshine* 
Thinking more on this...
I don't think she should need your permission. After all, it's her home too. It may not be her "house" (for those who think "my money, my house") but it is her home. Does she need permission to do everything else that is completely, humanly natural? As long as she's considerate about it, as we parents are, kwim?

I think this is a really wonderful point, and I wish to remember this for the future. If she isn't harming anyone, she should be 'allowed' to behave in whatever way she feels comfortable in her own home.

I think giving her this freedom in her own home teaches her a valueable lesson in life. To me, it seems as though allowing her this freedom would enable her to make her own choices about what she is comfortable sharing and doing within her own home, at whatever age. I think this is an important tool to have as you get older, I wish I had more power over what happened in my home when I first moved out, but sadly I didn't and it put me into places where I did things I regret, simple because I hadn't had a place to practice that skill of knowing what you can/will do within your home....

make sense?


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## mother_sunshine

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
The more sex you have, the more chance of getting pregnant there is....that's a fact. And teenagers aren't notorious for being experts at using birth control. Heck, some adults don't use it properly.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *julielenore* 
I don't want my daughter having sex in my house ever.
I would not be comfortable with that.
I would be Ok with her having sex, just not in my house.


I'm going to share my personal (and somewhat embarrassing) story to prove my point:
When dh and I were teens, we weren't comfortable having sex in the house (dp's were very conservative, always home, and constantly barging in to check on us)....so we went anywhere and everywhere else...the car, the community pool (poor gardener, dh threw the condoms in the bushes because there was no trash can)... None of the places were as clean as home so I ended up with a lot of bladder infections because of the unclean conditions. And it was humiliating to constantly go to the dr. for meds, and it was humiliating when the police shined their flashlights at us parked in the car, when the gardener gave us dirty looks every time we drove by, and it was humiliating to always worry about looky-loos, etc....BUT it didn't stop us. We had sex just as much, and it was more exciting (for dh anyway) so we probably had it more than we would have if we were home. We ALWAYS used a condom and we never got pregnant. (and, ftr, we didn't marry and have a baby until we finished college fwiw)

I would at least want to give my dd the dignity and privacy she deserves.

Plus, if they're having sex at home, there's no excuse to not use a condom...


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## PoppyMama

I certainly would...and the bathroom would always stay stocked with condoms.


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## PoppyMama

I'm in a goofy mood today.

Speaking of all the purity pledge stuff has anyone seen TEETH? LOL


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## Oriole

I don't think it's fair to imply that any teenager who says they are not having sex are dishonest and doing it anyway...

I wasn't dishonest with my parents, and I wasn't "doing it anyway". I was 18, going to college, working and living on my own when I became intimately involved with the man who still means the world to me, and is sitting two feet away as I'm typing here... So no regrets here about adopting my parents' values. That being said....

In this particular situation it's hard for me to judge what my reaction would be. DSD is almost 15, I believe we have a very good relationship, and I trust that she will come to me when she feels ready. I'd be happy to provide her with information, but I don't think I'd be as happy to provide her with "alone time with her boyfrient"...

I think each parent should follow their instincts on this one, as we are the ones who know what's best for our family and our children. If your instinct is telling you that it's better to allow them to have this time in your house, then do it.









If my instincts are to trust that DSD will listen to what I have to say, then I'll stay away from making it easy for her to be alone with her boyfriend in our house when she's 17. And if I'm as good at it as my parents were, then I'm sure she'll thank me later and raise her own kids with our values.


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## CarrieMF

I would. There's alot of assumptions that they'd be having sex while they were at the house alone for an hour or 2. They may not feel comfortable having sex in the house. I'm 31 & still won't in my parents house, especially if I know they'll be back in an hour or 2.

Even if they do have sex in the house, is it really that big of a deal. They already are & they're being safe/careful. Why assume that just because they're alone in the house that they won't be just as safe/careful.


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## stayinghome

My dd is that old yet (14) but i remember well my dh and i at that age. If we couldn't be alone at one of our houses, no matter. We'd find places to do it, some of which i can't believe we did that now.







So yeah, i'd let my 17 yo have the house to herself every once in awhile.


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## stayinghome

mother sunshine you must be my twin.


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## SMR

my dd is only 2.. so I don't really have to 'deal' with this for a loooong time. However, I will not have a problem with her being alone with her bf - ESP. if they are in love, committed to eachother and all that jazz! Heck, I'll probably encourage sex because I wouldn't want them to waste all those good years! haha I of course married the boyfriend I got 5 days after I turned 16 - and we were doin' it all over the place! We weren't using condomes either.. we used the withdrawal method and continued using that method until we wanted to have kids! It worked too!!








Just wanted to add one more thing.. there were times when the folks were home.. and so we'd just go 'for a walk' well one time, one of our walks led to some poison ivy in tricky places!! hahhaa Good memories though!


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## ewins24

No, I would NOT allow her and her boyfriend to be alone in our home while I was not home. Yes, it is her home too but I am responsible to keep her safe in her home so no.

Yes, I had sex earlier than I should have but I don't want my dd doing the same things so I've brought her up different.


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## mother_sunshine

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherE* 
mother sunshine you must be my twin.


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## dani76

For those of you who say you would never allow it, do you ever leave your teenager at home alone at all? Do you give them rules about who can come over and who can't? Do you allow them to go out with their friends...at night? Do they get to drive cars or drive in cars with other drivers?

Just asking because they can easily sneak someone into the house. My mom used to be so strict about me going out late at night. But I could do all the same "bad" stuff during the day. And boy did I.


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## MamaLisa1

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dani76* 
For those of you who say you would never allow it, do you ever leave your teenager at home alone at all? Do you give them rules about who can come over and who can't? Do you allow them to go out with their friends...at night? Do they get to drive cars or drive in cars with other drivers?
Just asking because they can easily sneak someone into the house. My mom used to be so strict about me going out late at night. But I could do all the same "bad" stuff during the day. And boy did I.









Yes, I do leave the older girls alone occasionally if I have to run errands, and I trust that they aren't sneaking anyone in the house. They are not allowed to even have a girl friend here if we aren't home unless it's going to be for a very short time. I have a way of finding things out, and I know they don't think it's worth the price they'd have to pay if they got caught. I've always taught them that if they are honest, they won't get punished...but sneaking and lying will get them in trouble every time. I seldom leave one home without the other, and they'd rat each other out if they broke that rule. It's one I'm VERY adamant about. Most of their friends have the same rules, and if there is ever a time that one of them is at a friend's house and the parents need to leave, they call me to ask if it's okay if they are there for a while without the parents.
Yes, of course the older one goes in the car with her boyfriend, and I feel that's enough freedom for the two of them to have right now. I try to have a good handle on where they are going, she checks in periodically to let me know where she is, and she has an early curfew, and then he can come in and hang out with her for a while...here, SUPERVISED. I know they make out, etc...when they are out alone, but again I'll stress that they both do not believe in premarital intercourse. (and there are actually people who do wait for marriage, even nowadays) Thankfully, he has a two seater car, so it makes things all the more difficult to maneuver in there. I just really think that freedom such as that for a teenager needs to come in baby steps.
That said, there is a big difference between them having alone time when they are out and about, and giving them carte blanche to have sex in MY home. (when they have their own homes, and are paying their own bills, and are responsible enough to take care of a baby that could potentiall result in their sexual activity, they can have all the sex they want) I asked my oldest daughter (16 this weekend) what she thought about that, and she jokingly wondered if there were baskets of condoms, lingerie and how-to books waiting for them too.
As far as I was concerned as a teenager, the lack of places to have sex made it more difficult, and therefore it happened less frequently. This was true for my friends also...and interestingly enough, four of my best friends got pregnant their freshman year of college, since they suddenly didn't have to be so creative anymore, and they had sex more freely.


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## eclipse

I think if you are okay with them having sex, then it shouldn't be a problem.


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## the_lissa

MamaLisa1 said:


> I asked my oldest daughter (16 this weekend) what she thought about that, and she jokingly wondered if there were baskets of condoms, lingerie and how-to books waiting for them too.
> As far as I was concerned as a teenager, the lack of places to have sex made it more difficult, and therefore it happened less frequently. /QUOTE]
> 
> A lot of parents have baskets of contraceptives around for everyone's use. I also plan on doing this. I have several how to sex books on my book shelves that my children will be free to read. Hilarious, eh?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know any teen that had sex anything other than frequently, very frequently. It was just a matter of where- public places, parks, school, etc.
> 
> Quote:
> 
> This was true for my friends also...and interestingly enough, four of my best friends got pregnant their freshman year of college, since they suddenly didn't have to be so creative anymore, and they had sex more freely.
> Well, clearly, the transition from no freedom to complete freedom was too much for these people, and another reason why I believe teens need more freedom.


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## debbieh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother_sunshine* 
They will find a place, wherever it may be. It's a heck of a lot better to have sex in the safe, clean environment of home (with plenty of condoms available) than to have sex in the car, park or wherever.

I would allow it, and make sure there are plenty of condoms (and foam or other bc) in the house. Conservative or not, sex is a part of her life. Best to face it and make sure she's taken care of, right?

I absolutely agree with this. When I was a teen, it was all about cars in the country. Or in the parking lot of the local ball park, or anywhere else you could find a dark spot to park the car. Dangerous and stupid! I have two dds and a ds. With dd1 (now 32 yo) and ds (now 30 yo), I definitely allowed them to be alone with their boyfriend/girlfriend in our house. And in their room. DD2 is 17 yo now and she has not yet expressed a lot of interest in sex. But when she does I have no doubt she'll come to me first because I make sure to keep my relationship with her as open as I did with the other two. The plain and simple fact is that if a teen ager wants to have sex, they will find a place. I would much rather know that they are safe at home instead of in a car, in the country...where anyone could come upon them and hurt them. And no, it isn't always easy, knowing that your teen is having sex in your house. But as a pp said, it's their house too.


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## MamaLisa1

just adding a different perspective to ponder.
As the mother of a son, if he came to me as a teenager telling me his girlfriend was pregnant, and I were to find out that the girl's parents were allowing them to have sex in their home without my knowledge of such, I would be furious. No birth control is 100% effective, especially in the hands of teenagers. I understand the thinking that they will try to find places to have sex if they can't in the home, but I personally would feel very uncomfortable having to explain that one to the boy's parents...."yes, it is unfortunate that we have a teen pregnancy, but at least the baby was made here in the comfort, safety and cleanliness of our loving home" Nah...that wouldn't fly with most parents. If I found out my daughter's boyfriend's parents were letting them have sex at their house without my knowledge, I'd be at their door with a few choice words for them in a heartbeat.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
As far as I was concerned as a teenager, the lack of places to have sex made it more difficult, and therefore it happened less frequently. This was true for my friends also...and interestingly enough, four of my best friends got pregnant their freshman year of college, since they suddenly didn't have to be so creative anymore, and they had sex more freely.

So, I guess that tactic worked well, eh...


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## dani76

It just seems such a lack of trust. It's not carte blanche to have crazy sex with lingerie and how-to books. It's allowing your daughter to have her boyfriend over while you aren't home. It's letting them make choices about their own lives. I mean, the op's daughter is 17 years old.


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## dani76

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
just adding a different perspective to ponder.
As the mother of a son, if he came to me as a teenager telling me his girlfriend was pregnant, and I were to find out that the girl's parents were allowing them to have sex in their home without my knowledge of such, I would be furious. No birth control is 100% effective, *especially in the hands of teenagers*. I understand the thinking that they will try to find places to have sex if they can't in the home, but I personally would feel very uncomfortable having to explain that one to the boy's parents...."yes, it is unfortunate that we have a teen pregnancy, but at least the baby was made here in the comfort, safety and cleanliness of our loving home" Nah...that wouldn't fly with most parents. If I found out my daughter's boyfriend's parents were letting them have sex at their house without my knowledge, I'd be at their door with a few choice words for them in a heartbeat.

Why don't teenagers know how to use birth control? And I would rather support them in having safe/safer sex in my home, than having to sneak around. I knew a few girls who had to sneak around and ended up having secret abortions too.


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## MamaLisa1

the_lissa;10720826
A lot of parents have baskets of contraceptives around for everyone's use. I also plan on doing this. I have several how to sex books on my book shelves that my children will be free to read. Hilarious said:


> https://www.mothering.com/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif[/IMG]
> 
> Well, clearly, the transition from no freedom to complete freedom was too much for these people, and another reason why I believe teens need more freedom.


I have no idea where you are from, but I can tell you we know of No one who provides baskets of contraceptives for everyone's use. And no, I don't particularly think it's hilarious.
Sure, give the teens more freedom younger, so they can get pregnant at 16 instead of 19. Teen brains do not function in the same way that adults do, and therefore they are not capable of making the same, educated, wise choices that an adult can. They need guidance. I mean at what age is it a good idea to leave contraceptives around for them, and let them have sex in your home? I may be wayyyyy conservative on this issue, but I just don't think that's what kids need. They need guidance, education, encouragement to try and use abstinence as their birth control. Sure, teenagers are horny, but they don't HAVE to go around having sex every chance they get.
If one of my kids comes to me, wanting birth control at some point, I will certainly get it for them...but I will not allow/encourage them to use my home to do it.


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## MamaLisa1

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dani76* 
It just seems such a lack of trust. It's not carte blanche to have crazy sex with lingerie and how-to books. It's allowing your daughter to have her boyfriend over while you aren't home. It's letting them make choices about their own lives. I mean, the op's daughter is 17 years old.

and still a child, legally.


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## MamaLisa1

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dani76* 
Why don't teenagers know how to use birth control?

For the same reason that many adults don't know how to use it, lack of education. How many teenage girls understand that you HAVE to take the pill at the same time every day for it to be effective, or that if you miss a day, you must use a condom as a backup method for the next few weeks? How about the understanding that certain medications, like antibiotics make the pill not effective? What about proper condom use? I knew someone who got pregnant because they put the condom on inside out at first, then switched it the right way, and his pre-ejaculate got on the condom and she got pregnant. What about proper condom removal? I think safe, protected sex is a big responsibility even for mature adults. Teenagers brains do NOT work the same way adult brains do. Google Teenage brains and read some of the articles that come up. They have done studies with regard to impulses and various other aspects of the teenage mind.

Everyone has the right to parent the way they see fit....what works for some families doesn't work for others and vice versa. I just tried to give some perspectives that might not have been thought of. My hope is that no one here, myself included, becomes a grandmother prematurely. All we can do, is do the best we are capable of doing, and hope that we've raised our kids to make the best decisions they can. I won't argue my point anymore, some people agree, some don't...that's what makes the world go around!!!
Goodnight all.....


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## pajamajes

My vote is let them, but have a talk with your daughter before hand.


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## Arduinna

Yes, in fact my dd had her boyfriend come and stay with us for a week last year. It's not an issue to me.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X

Since she is already having sex then why not?

Quote:

I will not allow/encourage them to use my home to do it.
This is how I feel about it. Since my belief is that sex before marriage is a sin and will be raising my kids that way I would never condone sex out of marriage.


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## Sage.Naissance

Obviously there are lots of very different ideas floating around here, some are religious, some based on personal experience and some relative to their own kids.
Teenaged brains are different. Teens are heavily emotional, highly pressured, impulsive etc. Its largely hormonal. But what does this mean?
That we forbid them to ever have sex and instill the sentiment that sex is dirty, impure and nasty? There are very damaging effects of such an attitude.
Or that we provide informaton, understanding, trust and openess with teens?
Perhaps not condoning teen sex, sex before love, sex before being ready, or sex before marriage, but being open, non-judgemental, and sympathetic to teens is an answer? Showing trust and respect for them that they will make the right choice. The probably wont but if you are open with them they will be more apt to discuss their choices with you.
I had sex when I was a teenager and my parents certainly couldnt have stopped me. They were open and sensitive to the fact that teen years are brutal and as a result I was very open with them, and comfortable with myself, and that respect, and self respect has allowed me to be who I am today.
Reality: kids have sex, even good christian kids. Abstinance is an option that can be encouraged but not inforced and alternatives need to be provided. Kids who are taught only abstinance end up a) with issues(aside from maybe a few strong willed, low sex drive kids) b) with STDs, unwanted pregnancies and secret abortions that their parents will never know about, because they never found out how to get condoms without having to buy them in the local pharmacy.
I am definitely not saying teen sex is responsible, good sex, or a good idea, I am just saying its going to happen and your openess can dramatically effect your childs life.
So would I let my teen daughter stay at home alone with her serious boyfriend whom I liked? Sure, if we had open discussions about sexuality and I knew she was equiped to deal with the situation. If she was an emotionally immature self concious girl with a power freak scumbag and I didnt feel she could handle it, hell no! Depends. Do what your gut tells you. Mamas know.


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## Novella

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
It almost would feel like you're saying "okay we're leaving now, go and have wild sex till you drop!"

Yes, it absolutely would. . . if that's the only thing I _ever_ did with my husband back when he was my boyfriend.









I think _expecting_ that a sexually-active teen is practicing that sexual activity anytime she's alone with her boyfriend for an hour or two is a bit extreme. (I'm not oblivious that libido is higher in the young, but come on.) The myth about the compulsively over-sexed teen sells most teenagers a bit short.

I guess if you feel strongly that her sexual relationship with her boyfriend is inappropriate, you can certainly express that. But to further that sentiment by trying to police her to live life according to your code is just going to drive you apart.


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## UnschoolnMa

Not that I think the first or only thing they would do is have crazy wild sex as soon as you left, but... why would it matter if they did? If you already know that they are active and safe who cares if they are intimate for a little while if they have some time alone?

I'm confused.


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## MamaLisa1

no one said anything about instilling the sentiment that sex is dirty, impure and nasty. I teach my kids wonderful things about it, which is probably why they'd like to try and save it for the one special person they marry. I was taught, but not forced to live a life of abstinence. I chose not to abstain, and I do have some regrets, but I am certainly not teaching my kids that sex is dirty. If they choose to have sex, that is 100% their choice, I just don't think you should leave them alone in the house, on purpose at this age. So, what happens if they break up, and a month or two from now, the daughter has a new wonderful boyfriend she's having sex with? That's okay too? I just don't understand where you draw the line. Not allowing it at all, makes it very clear.

I also think that we have varying opinions here on this based on a couple of things a) geography and b) religious upbringing/current beliefs. That's okay, I just thought I'd bring to light what I felt...isn't there the right to have differing opinions? And heck yes....two teenagers, who are sexually active, left home alone....99% of the time, they're going to take advantage of that time and have sex.

Here's another question to ponder....would you let your sexually active child have their girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over? If you took them on vacation, would you let them share a bed? I have a friend who does this with her own daughter, and I really don't agree with it...but I say nothing. The girl has other issues which they should be more concerned with and don't seem to be.


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## UnschoolnMa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
If they choose to have sex, that is 100% their choice, I just don't think you should leave them alone in the house, on purpose at this age.

 But why not? If you say that choosing to have sex is 100% their choice...

It seems like you're saying it's their choice as long as it lines up with what you want. If it doesn't...you're going to make sure they aren't alone long enough to do anything. That means it's not her choice. Not really.

Quote:

So, what happens if they break up, and a month or two from now, the daughter has a new wonderful boyfriend she's having sex with? That's okay too? I just don't understand where you draw the line. Not allowing it at all, makes it very clear.
 I don't think it would be up to me to try and dictate who my nearly adult age daughter has sex with. I have some very clearly defined feelings on the subject of dating, sex, and relationships and I have shared them with my teens. If I saw behavior or situations that I was worried about I'd talk about them, but I don't think trying to control another's sex is really a good approach.

If they break up, they break up... it happens. Naturally she'd start dating someone new at some point, and yeah they'd probably eventually have sex. For the record, I don't think it's possible to _not allow_ someone to have sex.

Quote:

Here's another question to ponder....would you let your sexually active child have their girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over? If you took them on vacation, would you let them share a bed? I have a friend who does this with her own daughter, and I really don't agree with it...but I say nothing.
 I suppose a lot would depend on the individual situation, but sure, I can see my 18 year old step Dd's bf with us to the coast. They'd likely just get their own room.


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## PoppyMama

I feel that sex is a natural, normal biological function and teens really are biologically ready to have sex. Whether or not they are ready in other ways can only be answered by them and all we can do as parents is to give them the foundation to make good decisions for themselves. I can't and don't wish to try to control my dd's or ds's body and what they do with it will be their choice. If I worry I will let them know. They are welcome to have sex in OUR home as long as they are respectful about it. I will provide condoms and discuss safer sex but I also hope they will take the responsibility for their actions and protect themselves. I began having sex (in my house) at 14 using condoms and then quickly went to the health department and got bcp. I didn't talk to my mom about it beforehand I just did it all myself because it was my body I was taking care of. My mom asked later and we discussed it and I think she regretted that I did not come to her as I would regret it if my dd didn't come to me but it was my choice. I continued to have sex in my house and various other places with more than one person and did have my bf start to sleep over at 16. I have no regrets (other than I miss the sensitivity and drive of youth sometimes) and wouldn't change a thing. I did not confuse sex with love and a few times had sex with friends because that was what we both wanted to do. Sex is a normal biological function that has consequences to health (physical and mental) and relationships. I teach my dc to protect themselves, be aware of the risks (just as we are about using the stove and walking down the street) and to respect their own bodies and minds as well as the bodies and minds of the people they choose to engage in sex with.


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## the_lissa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
Sure, give the teens more freedom younger, so they can get pregnant at 16 instead of 19.

This is a false dichotomy. The choices are not be pregnant at 16 or 19. I think it is very telling that you know so many people who got pregnant when they went away to college. I don't know anyone who did. Most of my friends were sexually active as teens, and none of them got pregnant either.

Also, not being able to be home alone with your boyfriend does not prevent a teen from having sex. It just sends them to public places. If teens want to have sex, they will.

I don't understand your question about your daughter breaking up and having sex with another boyfriend a couple months later. That can happen whether or not they are allowed home alone. Most of what you have posted has nothing to do with whether a teen is allowed home alone with their boyfriend or girlfriend.


----------



## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
Since she is already having sex then why not?

This is how I feel about it. Since my belief is that sex before marriage is a sin and will be raising my kids that way I would never condone sex out of marriage.

So I guess if one of your kids is gay you will expect them to be celibate all their lives, since they can't get married?


----------



## Kirsten

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
As far as you know...







:

Exactly. A friend of mine swore up and down that her teen dd wasn't having sex - even though they'd dated for years, were often home alone together, very physically affectionate. I told her they were. She said they'd talked about it; they were open about it; she was waiting. After the dd turned 18, my friend called me crying - her dd had fessed up that they had indeed been having sex. I just don't understand why it is such a terrible thing. If it is a committed, loving relationship - and they are protected - then I'd have no problem with it at all. But her religion told her it was wrong, which is likely why the dd had to lie. Sad.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
I seldom leave one home without the other, and they'd rat each other out if they broke that rule.

My sister and I never ratted each other out. I'm sad that you believe your girls would do that. Pitting one against the other doesn't lend itself to the kind of relationship that I want to foster between my girls.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
As the mother of a son, if he came to me as a teenager telling me his girlfriend was pregnant, and I were to find out that the girl's parents were allowing them to have sex in their home without my knowledge of such, I would be furious.

Giving teens time without someone watching their every move is not the same as telling them to go upstairs and have sex. I let my kids have privacy now at ages 11, 7 and 4 - and don't plan to change that when they are teens. Accusing the other teen's parents of being responsible for the choices of the two teens - one of whom was THEIRS - is wrong IMO. If you want to be angry with your son and his girlfriend for not being more careful, fine. But it isn't the girl's parents' fault.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
For the record, I don't think it's possible to _not allow_ someone to have sex.

EXACTLY!!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
I feel that sex is a natural, normal biological function and teens really are biologically ready to have sex. Whether or not they are ready in other ways can only be answered by them and all we can do as parents is to give them the foundation to make good decisions for themselves. I can't and don't wish to try to control my dd's or ds's body and what they do with it will be their choice. If I worry I will let them know. They are welcome to have sex in OUR home as long as they are respectful about it. I will provide condoms and discuss safer sex but I also hope they will take the responsibility for their actions and protect themselves. I began having sex (in my house) at 14 using condoms and then quickly went to the health department and got bcp. I didn't talk to my mom about it beforehand I just did it all myself because it was my body I was taking care of. My mom asked later and we discussed it and I think she regretted that I did not come to her as I would regret it if my dd didn't come to me but it was my choice. I continued to have sex in my house and various other places with more than one person and did have my bf start to sleep over at 16. I have no regrets (other than I miss the sensitivity and drive of youth sometimes) and wouldn't change a thing. I did not confuse sex with love and a few times had sex with friends because that was what we both wanted to do. Sex is a normal biological function that has consequences to health (physical and mental) and relationships. I teach my dc to protect themselves, be aware of the risks (just as we are about using the stove and walking down the street) and to respect their own bodies and minds as well as the bodies and minds of the people they choose to engage in sex with.

Can I just say that PoppyMama is my new favorite here on MDC?









Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
The choices are not be pregnant at 16 or 19. I think it is very telling that you know so many people who got pregnant when they went away to college. I don't know anyone who did. Most of my friends were sexually active as teens, and none of them got pregnant either.

Also, not being able to be home alone with your boyfriend does not prevent a teen from having sex. It just sends them to public places. If teens want to have sex, they will.

Same here (on the first paragraph). And I also agree completely with the second paragraph. Some people won't leave their kids home alone at night - why is it that they don't think teens will have sex at 4:00 just as easy as they will at 11:30? Or in a car if the house is never empty? They most certainly will, and they do.


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## RachelSerena

I don't have a teen daughter yet, but I'm only 22, so I was there recently.

I think that if you've talked to your daughter about the risks of pregnancy, and you know she's having sex, then I'd let them be home alone.

I would, however, clear it with the boyfriend's parents before I OK'd it.

I did not have sex (intercourse) with my husband until we were married. The advice I give to other people is to only have sex if you are willing to get pregnant. It is a possibility, even with the .1 chance on B/C, it's still a chance.

Then there are STDs to consider as well.


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## PoppyMama

Thank you, Kirsten. That's very flattering.


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## double feature

I would, and I did. My daughter (19) was dating her now-boyfriend at 17, they've been together for four years now, as a matter of fact, and I also knew that it was a sexual relationship. I think I was fortunate to have a relationship with her that allowed for such openness. I trusted her 100%, and I also trusted him, and still do. What are you afraid of? Or rather, what is your SO afraid of? You know they're sexually active, so it's not like you have to keep an eye on her for this reason.

And believe me, if they can't be alone in your house, they'll find another way. I think providing a safe/trusting environment in this case, is a good idea.


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## StillWaters

I started dating my DH 13 years ago when I was 17, and I am grateful to my family for accepting us, trusting us, and taking us seriously, even at that age.


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## Heather423

WOW times have changed!! Or maybe my mom was just very lax. I was sleeping over my BF house every weekend (in the same bed) at 16. If my BF slept over my house, he slept on the couch. We also used withdrawal method and that has always worked for me, my first pregnancy was at 35. We just had sex at his house mostly. No need to do it in public spaces.

I think trying to control your children's behavior isn't the best thing. You can tell them what behavior you find acceptable and why and how to be safe, but you need to step back and trust your children to do the right thing. If they don't, they are valuable lessons they need to learn to grow into responsible adults. I feel I was a very responsible kid, and mostly made the right decisions. I had complete freedom to make my own mistakes and I turned out OK. I graduated HS AND College. I am a very independent woman.

BTW, once my mom knew I was sexually active she brought me to get the pill. I DID know you needed to take it the same time every day for it to be effective. I knew how to read!


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## sunset

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laoxinat* 







:
I'd so much rather they have a safe, loving not-forbidden place to hang out. I don't want it to be my approval or disapproval that colors DD's decisions about sex. It's her body, and she has shown over and over that she is responsible and respectful. I really feel like in our culture we waste so much energy trying to prevent what our teens might choose not to do anyway if they were really given the responsiblity for their actions. And if they DO choose to have sex, at least it will be just that, a choice, not something they feel compelled to do to prove they can. HTHs!









:


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## Bethla

[ Heck, I'll probably encourage sex because I wouldn't want them to waste all those good years!)[/QUOTE]

Love that! Now, I'm 30 and it's just not the same!


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## readytobedone

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dani76* 
Why don't teenagers know how to use birth control? And I would rather support them in having safe/safer sex in my home, than having to sneak around. I knew a few girls who had to sneak around and ended up having secret abortions too.

yeah, teenagers are definitely capable of using birth control. in fact, as a teen, i was MUCH MUCH better at using birth control than i am these days. i get downright lackadaisical now that no one would frown on me for getting knocked up!









as to the OP's question, yes, i would allow my DD to have her boyfriend over. it could get weird if the BF's mom wasn't down with it. but...in and of myself, yes, i would definitely allow that.


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## Bethla

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
So I guess if one of your kids is gay you will expect them to be celibate all their lives, since they can't get married?


Right on!


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## allgirls

My 17 year old daughter is in a relationship with her boyfriend. It's a sexual relationship.

It would be a little bit hippocritical of me to say "yeah, it's ok to have sex, heck let me help you get birth control but no, you can't be alone"

This is not really about the kids having sex. This is about the dad not being comfortable with it. And he doesn't want to condone it. Like if I leave them alone, I'm saying I'm ok with it and I'm not.

And if he's not I think you have to respect him until he is..however...if I thought it was ok and dh didn't then he'd be doing the chaperoning.lol.

I would not leave my 13 year old alone with her boyfriend. She has made the decision to wait and I am helping her with that. I am happy with her decision of course but it was entirely her decision to make. She may change her mind along the way. She's still incredibly young.

Of course my 17 year old moved out last week into her own apartment, will be finished school in a few months etc. 17 seems incredibly grown up to me to not let them alone in the house with their boyfriend that you know she is sexually active with.

I would rather say "your dad is uncomfortable with you having sex in the house cause he's a dude and you are his little girl, think you can respect that kiddo" and I would hope she would. But if she didn't









You cannot control your children's sex lives as teenagers...

I hate the term "purity pledge" because it is so archaic and if you have sex then you are impure which of course makes sex dirty...I just think it's a horrible way to refer to sex and to bring shame to someone where there should be none.

Why does it need to be a pledge anyway...why not just make it a decision? I decided to wait until I was 18 and ended up waiting until I was 19. I didn't make a pledge, I made a decision. I could have changed my mind at any point.

and for whoever said sex in the thirties isn't so good..wait until you hit 40


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## griffin2004

Nope, wouldn't do it.


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## canadianchick

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
So I guess if one of your kids is gay you will expect them to be celibate all their lives, since they can't get married?

Hmmmm... I am wondering about this also.


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## lunasmommy

I came from a VERY strict religious family where it was completely unthinkable that us kids could possibly even think about having sex before marriage. My parents thought that they knew what went on in their home, but they didnt. Both my sister and I had boy in the house, we had sex in the house, and they never found out. So I would say, to those mamas who've said that they wouldnt allow it, that its going to happen anyway. One way or another.

I agree that it sounds more like the step dad is having the issue. If you already know that she's sexually active and your open about it, great! Good for you, both of you. And she is 17, so in less than a year she will be legally responsible for herself, why not let her test those waters while she;s still around to ask for help if she needs it?


----------



## Kirsten

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
You cannot control your children's sex lives as teenagers...

I hate the term "purity pledge" because it is so archaic and if you have sex then you are impure which of course makes sex dirty...I just think it's a horrible way to refer to sex and to bring shame to someone where there should be none.

So true on the first paragraph! I continue to be amazed that people think they can... And the tighter you hold them, the less you trust them, the more likely they will find a way to do something that they may not have done originally. In 38 years I have yet to find a more powerful natural force than teenage hormones. That is just a huge battle to wage, and I also wonder how GD parents make that jibe with their parenting ideals. It doesn't seem to line up in my way of thinking.

And I so agree on the "purity pledge" thing! I don't think our town's high school has that - I've never heard of it happening here and I'd think that would spread like wildfire if it was happening. I would take my girls on a day trip the day that idea was presented at school. I would also never submit them to any kind of abstinence only sex ed. Luckily we live in a pretty liberal state - where even sex ed 25 years ago in my day was very inclusive of all birth control methods.


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## Meg_s

I was allowed.. but maybe it was because my boyfriend would drive 10 hours (1 way) every weekend to come see me, and he stayed at our place. Either my parents had to be home every moment, or we would be allowed to be left alone. My LITTLE sisters were usually home at the same time, and yes, we did have sex. Either we'd do it at home, or in his car parked out in a field somewhere.. so whatever! We got married eventually


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## MamaLisa1

obviously, a different perspective isn't welcome on this topic. Most of you aren't looking at it from the other side of the coin (what the boyfriend's parents might feel) or many other issues including the repercussions of encouraging teen sex (pregnancy, higher incidences of cervical/uterine cancers, and disease) by offering up your home as an easy solution for finding a time and place for them to have sex. I know everyone says they are using protection, but even condoms are not 100% effective at preventing certain things from occurring, including some venereal diseases, since the condom only covers the shaft of the penis and there can be contact, otherwise, and condoms can also break, have holes in them, etc....
I did say it's their choice. I did say if they choose to do it, I'll be sure they're protected. What I would never do is give them ample time/opportunity to do it. I don't _want_ my kids having sex yet...I think in spite of the fact that teenagers have urges, they are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities that go along with having sex. Not any of them. I realize where there's a will there's a way, but why make it so _easy_? I think to say it's okay in this relationship to have sex, means it's okay in the next relationship, and the next one after that. That is promoting promiscuity, and I think we are obligated as parents to discourage that. I will encourage a wonderfully fulfilling sexual life in the parameters of a long-term, mature, adult, committed relationship...not just because two teens say they are serious and have already begun having sex.
I was only offering different perspectives...and feelings that most moms of teens that _aren't_ MDC moms (ones I know in real life) share. I was hoping I wouldn't become a target for attacks...but I did. I feel I am doing the best possible job I can in my mothering, and at no time did I attack any of your choices...I simply stated different points of view that might make one think.
Sheesh....


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## the_lissa

Where did anyone attack you?


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## ArielMomma

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
obviously, a different perspective isn't welcome on this topic. Most of you aren't looking at it from the other side of the coin (what the boyfriend's parents might feel) or many other issues including the repercussions of encouraging teen sex (pregnancy, higher incidences of cervical/uterine cancers, and disease) by offering up your home as an easy solution for finding a time and place for them to have sex.

There are MANY sides to this coin. Your perspective is valuable to your family morals. My perspective is valuable to my family morals.

My daughter is allowed to have sex at home permitted two things are in place. #1 It is an established relationship. #2 It is a committed relationship. There are some parents who would say *I* am too strict. But this is what I will allow in my house. I won't accept promiscuity because it is dangerous and I find it gross. If she wants to be promiscuous (she doesn't), but if she did then she would be doing it somewhere else.

My house rules make "me" feel comfortable. I do not think they put her at higher risk of pregnancy, cancer or STI than her having to sneak around or something of that nature.

Personally, I am dead set against purity pledges. I think they do a disservice to the individual if end up breaking the pledge. I met some people who felt incredibly guilty because of this. I also think it does a disservice to the gay community because they can't get married.

There is not just two sides to this coin. In fact I would say we are playing with dice instead of coins. No side is necessarily right or wrong. We are all parents trying our best. Some of us have strong opinions, but we cannot know our way is the only right way to do things. Not even you... Not even me.


----------



## laoxinat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
I realize where there's a will there's a way, but why make it so _easy_?

I don't think it's a question of making it so easy, but of removing the 'forbidden' part so DDs can make their own decisions, free of mama's reasons. Mama's reasons are just that, mama's.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
I think to say it's okay in this relationship to have sex, means it's okay in the next relationship, and the next one after that. That is promoting promiscuity, and I think we are obligated as parents to discourage that.

But this is based on many assumptions. And it's a slippery slope. Just because a teen has sex with one SO doesn't mean they will continue. My DD was active for a little while, and decided it was too soon. Then she met current DBF and is waiting to get to know him. Personally I would imagine that a mama who is mindfully guiding her DD would have by this time instilled a sense of self worth in her DD. Far from promoting promiscuity, I think this promotes sexual responsibility. And anyway, what IS promiscuity? A different partner every week? Every month? Getting drunk and passed around? It doesn't sound like the OPs DD is at risk for any of those things. My DD is learning Buddhist precepts regarding mindfulness in sexual relations, and it really made her think about her own responsibility, the importance of honesty and of knowing her partner well before having sex. Teens can be very mindful when it comes to sex. But if all their focus is on 'getting away with it' they are not attending to the more relevent issues.


----------



## UnschoolnMa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
obviously, a different perspective isn't welcome on this topic.

 Everyone here is welcome to their opinion, but posting here means that other people can take the other side. It's just how it goes on a forum.

Quote:

Most of you aren't looking at it from the other side of the coin (what the boyfriend's parents might feel) or many other issues including the repercussions of encouraging teen sex (pregnancy, higher incidences of cervical/uterine cancers, and disease) by offering up your home as an easy solution for finding a time and place for them to have sex.
 I never once said that I was "encouraging" teen sex. I happen to think there are some good reasons for a young teen to hold off on that, actually, and I've shared that with my kids. I HAVE said that I don't think you can ban someone from having sex, and that I think if a teen has been upfront enough to say _"I've become sexually active, and I am using protection."_ I don't really see the point in preventing them from ever being alone. I seriously doubt that most people at MDC never think about STDs or unplanned teen pregnancy, but many do realize that sexual relationships among young people exist and we'd like those to be as respectful and healthy as possible.

Quote:

.I think in spite of the fact that teenagers have urges, they are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities that go along with having sex. Not any of them.
 I totally and completely disagree. As I stated above, I think there are some good reasons to wait a bit and really think about what you want and who you want it with, along with the possible consequences of having sex. I also think that a 17-18 year old is quite capable of doing that. It just depends. Why not foster a relationship that allows for that rather than playing the "no alone time for you" police?

Quote:

I realize where there's a will there's a way, but why make it so _easy_? I think to say it's okay in this relationship to have sex, means it's okay in the next relationship, and the next one after that. That is promoting promiscuity, and I think we are obligated as parents to discourage that. I will encourage a wonderfully fulfilling sexual life in the parameters of a long-term, mature, adult, committed relationship...not just because two teens say they are serious and have already begun having sex.
Oh well, that actually clears a lot up about the differences in our POV. I don't think sex can only take place in a committed long term relationship. I think it can take place when people decide they want to have sex. I'd like to think that most people give the situation some thought first, but I certainly don't think people must be in love or monogamous, etc.

Quote:

I was only offering different perspectives...and feelings that most moms of teens that _aren't_ MDC moms (ones I know in real life) share. I was hoping I wouldn't become a target for attacks...but I did. I feel I am doing the best possible job I can in my mothering, and at no time did I attack any of your choices...I simply stated different points of view that might make one think.
Sheesh....
I'm very sorry you feel attacked, but I just don't see where that happened in this thread. Was it because people disagreed with you?







It happens a lot to me, but it's not really attacking. If you think about it, you're disagreeing with me in this thread too. It's all good.


----------



## ewins24

MamaLisa,








I have your same opinion and yes its hard that we are the "odd ones" here but like someone said we have to do what works for our family. And really thats whats important. I can only do what I know is right for my girls.

I know that what works for say UnschoolnMama (not picking on you sweetie we just do things very different in our two houses and thats fine) would not work for us. Thats whats great b/c we get to see the different sides of how someone would do things.

I think premarital sex is wrong and I'm OK with that choice for my girls (*edited* to add that I know I can't choose what my girls do but I can guide them & pray that thats what they do). If they choose to go against that then we will have to deal with it.

For the record I do teach them that sex isn't dirty though.


----------



## allgirls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewins24* 
I think premarital sex is wrong and I'm OK with that choice for my girls.

I think that is where we differ the most. I don't think I get to choose for my girls.

If I could I would say that maybe waiting until you are in a long-term relationship as an adult, say over 20, with a perfect man or woman, maybe ideally until you are married etc. and etc.

But I don't get to choose and realistically none of us gets to choose that for our children. We can encourage, promote and believe it but we don't get to choose it.

I just feel the best I can do is encourage and discuss responsibility, the ramifications of STDs and pregnancy along with the emotional issues that may occur with a sexual relationship/experience, particularly if you are too young to deal with it.

I also see a huge difference between a 13 year old's readiness and a 17-19 year old's readiness for sex.

I agree with Unschoolnma in all her points.

I am sorry you feel attacked MamaLisa1. I don't see anything written as an attack.

Sex is a very personal thing as are our beliefs surrounding it. We all get to have different comfort levels around sex. I just think that parents are better off being realistic..if we all on here have different beliefs it's likely our children will have different beliefs from us as well.

Hey, who knows, my child might wait until she's married and MamaLisa's might have a serious of sexual relationships in spite of what we believe, I think it's truly out of our control.


----------



## ewins24

You are right and I miss wrote. I don't get to choose what they do but I get to guide them and I hope that they make that choice too. I know thats all I can do.


----------



## Jennyfur

No, no boyfriends (or girlfriends) at home without parents around. I trust my children not to break the house rules (one rule is no dating until 16 in the first place), and my trust has been rewarded so far.

I have to say I'm surprised by how many people say the teens they know are determined to have sex. Am I the only dork here?? I didn't have sex until I was in college, and it was with my now-husband--not b/c I'm religious or "pure" (I'm an atheist, FWIW), but because I wasn't that socially aware or confident. All of my (dorky







) friends didn't lose their virginity until college.

My oldest didn't lose her virginity until college b/c she wanted to avoid the drama that she saw her friends experiencing, and besides, she was focused on her classes and sports. She didn't date in high school, though she had a lot of close guy friends.









Also, I know without a doubt that my children are honest with me about things that matter, regardless of what others might insinuate.


----------



## Katrinawitch

Wow, thanks for all the great responses! Teenagers can be so confusing!!! And I was one not so long ago, and can remember it vividly. Yet how is it that they confuse me so much!

I wish Casey and I had a more open relationship. She's just very private, and doesn't like to talk to me about things. I try to broach subjects (delicately, of course), when her mood and the situation is right, and I make it clear that she can come to talk to me about anything. My mom says I was a very private person, too, and never talked to her about serious stuff, so I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'll admit I'm slightly envious of my friends who have daughters who talk to them about things!

I tend to be more relaxed when it comes to my daughters, which has come back to bite me recently (discipline, getting them to help around the house & do things for themselves). And I'm a bit more relaxed when it comes to boys. My husband, the girls' step-dad, was brought up much more strictly, and didn't even have his first serious girlfriend until he was in college, so he tends to see things through his parents' eyes. If he had a girl friend over the house, his mother wouldn't even let them sit closely together on the couch. She'd come sit between them! She emigrated from Italy when she was 16, and led an extremely sheltered life, so I can see why she raised her kids that way. A bit of this has rubbed off on my husband, as you'd expect. Given that the girls live half the time in our house, I think he should have somewhat of a say.

My ex-husband, the girls' dad, is very involved in their lives. We split custody half and half, so they're over his house for a week, every other week. He's always been a more relaxed parent, but is also protective of them, being girls. He doesn't want Casey and her boyfriend home alone at his house, either.

Aaaauuuuugh, this is so confusing! Thanks for the responses, all.


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## gaialice

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
So, what happens if they break up, and a month or two from now, the daughter has a new wonderful boyfriend she's having sex with? That's okay too?

Yes, for my parents it was OK too. It is an area of parenting where I totally, totally, totally







to them. I really wonder how they could be so trusting to me, because they were taught abstinence and they did abstain. Yet, they welcomed home all of the boyfriends that I took home, and welcomed them as they would welcome any friend of mine.

At times, I was very much in love with the boyfriend of the hour, and then gave him up a few months later. Well, my parents did not make that into a big deal. But they were there to comfort me when I was heartbroken. They were there to protect me when I left my first boyfriend and he would not leave me alone. They never once said, "That's your fault for hanging out with the wrong guy", no, they were always keeping this boy responsible for not respecting their daughter's wishes, even if my wishes had changed.

My parents were also aware that there were some of boyfriends that I never introduced, and that came and went and did not leave any marks in my heart. They did not ask a lot of nosy questions. Some of you may think this is "a bit much". But I lived with my parents till I was 24, and I moved out when I was ready to. I needed my parents support till then, and I continue to go to them for support, even now. I am a private person and I do not like to spill beans a lot (except on this forum







) so I would not talk a lot. But there are so many ways to give support without words.

I think deep down (perhaps unconsciously) my parents understood one thing about me. I was mature for sex. And I was mature enough to be able to avoid an unwanted pregnancy (my mom did give me the talk and did let me go to the OB/GYN of my choice). But I was really really not mature for a committed relationship. If they had insisted that I have a committed relationship, to "allow" me to have sex (or better said if they had given me hints that they were disapproving my choices) I would have probably chosen to move out when I was not ready or worse, gotten into the wrong marriage.

Every kid is different. I think blanket rules do not work. You know your kid. At some level, you know what is right for her. Other parents - the parents of the boyfriend for example - well they're responsible for their kid, they know their kid. Or not. But I as the mother of their boy's girlfriend could not really change that.


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## SpaceAngel401

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennyfur* 
I have to say I'm surprised by how many people say the teens they know are determined to have sex. Am I the only dork here?? I didn't have sex until I was in college, and it was with my now-husband--not b/c I'm religious or "pure" (I'm an atheist, FWIW), but because I wasn't that socially aware or confident. All of my (dorky







) friends didn't lose their virginity until college.


Not at all. I am well out of college and I am STILL a dork. (One reason I don't post often; I am not a Mama)


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## Jessy1019

I absolutely would give them time/space alone together.

Then again, I'd let my teenagers' partners spend the night and even (gasp!) share a room. I don't see the big deal at all -- they'll have been well-educated as to how to protect themselves and we will be keeping a supply of condoms on hand for them if they need/want them.

I think giving them a few hours with the house to themselves is a great idea.


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## helen_emily

I would say definitely allow him to come over when you're not there, with a couple of conditions perhaps?
I would definitely talk to DD about it first, even if it is awkward. If she's going to essentially be given time and space to do whatever she wants with this boy (including sex) then she needs to be so so aware of the consequences, and how to use contraceptives correctly. There are good internet resources if you're uncomfortable talking about this stuff.
Even just for general sexual and feminine health, I would point her towards vaginapagina.com - you can post questions there to be answered. It's not as NFL as here but some ladies there are very knowledgeable, and you get a lot of ladies happy to talk about their own experiences and bodies in a positive way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laoxinat* 
Teens can be very mindful when it comes to sex. But if all their focus is on 'getting away with it' they are not attending to the more relevent issues.

ITA agree with that - from my experience of sex at 17, the "oops, no condom" sex only happened before we could just go to his house, like when we randomly decided to have sex in an enclosed fire escape, and a park, oh and any car we could get into... I could go on. The boy-scout sentiment to Be Prepared sometimes fails when you've both used the condoms you carry in your wallets! We were still very careful not to conceive but thank goodness I didn't get accidentally pregnant.
When we were in his room where the box of condoms lived, there was no excuse not to use one.

Something else to consider is that at least in our case, having somewhere private to learn about each other definitely had to do with how solid a relationship we developed (we're still very happily together five years later). In the four or five hours we had alone each week total, we would definitely not spend the whole time having sex! Just half of it...  (Not really)
Time alone together meant we could play silly couple-y games without being embarrased in front of our friends, and really learn about each other as people, and even grow together as people. Our best chats have always been when we're lazing around in bed and still are, even though now we're more likely to have a nanna nap than sex








I think this side of a relationship is equally important as the sex side. Sure, it can be satisfied a lot more easily in public, but there's something special about the emotional intimacy that you get from being alone in the house.

As far as your SO opinion on it, does he know that they're already having safe sex? Or is he just against it as more of a "gut reaction" than anything?

ETA: And I meant to ask, how do his parents feel about it? I wouldn't particularly let that influence your decision, they are so close to being adults that I don't see the difference that the few months between 17 and 18 might make. My boy's parent's actually turned a blind eye "Oh your daughter was here? Really?" which worked well for all of us - me and the boy got to spend time together, his parents knew we were safe, and my mum could live safely in denial that her little girl would ever have sex (she's still surprised that I'm doing it to this day!)

HTH, sorry it's so long!







Let us know the outcome!


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## Shirelle

I probably wouldn't, especially if I hadn't talked to the boy's parents first. I guess in your case, if you're not concerned about her having sex, then it wouldn't matter, as long as his parents were okay with it.


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