# Getting tired of teen dread



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Who else here is totally sick of people finding out you have a teen and them assuming that they are horrible, screaming, manipulative lying kids? Or getting the oh nooooooo I'm so dreading my kids hitting their teens, or OMG I'm dreading my kid driving, or dating. Or oh the horror my kid will grow up one day.

Because I'm totally sick and tired of it.

Everyone assumes teens are bad, snotty and yell and slam doors. I actually feel sorry for teens that they are uniformly given a bad rap.

Yes I've known some teens that are like that. But mine isn't. She is an awesome, considerate, well read kid that doesn't give us attitude or a hard time. And no it's not because we "laid down the law to show her who is boss" like people assume. Quite the opposite since we are pretty much a consentual living family.

I'm just really tired of the bad teen assumptions.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I agree, though I understand why people think that. Society has coached us into thinking that unilaterally, every teen will go through 'that' phase, and it will be horrible. The truth is that the teen years are a natural time for self discovery and questioning the world around them. It is natural for some teens to 'try on' different identities, it is disconcerting to some parents to see their young ones changing, even if they logically want them to grow into healthy adults.

It also annoys me a bit when I hear parents say that about dreading the teen years, I just try to educate them with the information and intuitions that I have. I am excited to have a little one going through puberty and am constantly amazed at how considerate, creative and special he is...I also see him struggling with insecurity and inner torment. That comes out sometimes in very unpleasant ways, I will not lie, but I never 'dreaded' it.

I also am surrounded by many teens as a part of a Circus troupe that I am involved in. I love the role I play in their lives, even if it is not accepted by my own son







He needs another adult in his life to be a mentor (a role I play for other teens) I wish, wish, wish that he would confide in me more, I am parenting in a gentle, cooperative way, but not all kids are going to respond in the same way.

I have compassion for the parents that suffer from fear when it comes to their changing child, it does kind of feel like the rug is being pulled from beneath you to SOME people. depends on the kid/ parent and family dynamic.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

I'm with you. I have a 17 yo dd and she is such a joy! Helpful, playful. She quite literally begs her daddy and I to watch movies with her. Oh yes, she has her snotty days (think PMS here







). But all in all, she's a great kid.
What bothers me is when someone finds out that my teen dd is driving....why does everyone assume that all teens are horrible drivers? She is probably a better driver than me. Very cautious and very aware of her speed.
She is actually the third teen for me and in all honesty, the other two were just a great!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Yes, yes and yes again!! I totally understand. Teen phobia is rampant online and IRL, and it's such an unfortunate thing. I think it comes from so many sources. The big one is that we are lead to believe that them wanting any kind of independence is some major act of rebellion or that any difference of opinion or style from their parents is cause for concern. Blech.

I LOVE my teenagers! We've not had to lay down any law or be "strict" or any of that stuff. None of the kids' friends/peers believe them at first when they say they have never been grounded. Dd has a friend who is grounded more than not, and she's totally resentful and full of snark toward her parents for it. Also, it's not doing a darn thing because she's always online when her parents are gone, and that is the thing she's usually "grounded" from.
















I fear driving, and dating, and well lots of things. It's not because I don't want them to grow up and do those things, but it's because I fear the hurt I know they are bound to have to face and the people who will be untrue and unkind. My mom heart wants to save them from it all, but I know I can't do that. They have lives to live and things to learn too. I'm just grateful that we have such a close, respectful and loving relationship so that I can be there to help wherever I can help.


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## Nico DeMouse (Nov 20, 2006)

I'm not a mama (yet), but I, too, am frustrated by people's reactions to teens. I was a middle school teacher for about 8 years. People were always so sorry for me when they heard what grade I taught, and then shocked to find out I picked middle school, that it was actually my first choice.

Believe me, most of the adults I worked with were far more trying than my students. The kids were great.


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I'm your mirror opposite. I didnt think anything negative about teens, and was actually looking forward to my son becoming a teen because we could have *real* conversations, and do fun stuff together. What I got, however, was the polar opposite. My son is inconsiderate, rude, loud, obnoxious, and starts trouble at home just to see how much he can push before we (his dad and I) get frustrated (and has admitted as much). At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I'm sorry you aregoing through that with your son. I have had problems with my son as well, he has some special needs that cause alot of torment for him as he goes through hormonal changes. *I LOVE the whole energy that teens bring to the world though*, DS will get through this , so will your DS. From what you describe about his school, I would yank him out and homeschool as you are thinking of doing. I know firsthand how hard it can be for some of us. I think that so many people expect that kind of behavior from our teens though, not ALL of themin that age category have those issues though, I think it is he exception, and I also think it has ALOT to do with how they are socialized in many schools.

God luck to you, and ((((hugs))))

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenlaana* 
I'm your mirror opposite. I didnt think anything negative about teens, and was actually looking forward to my son becoming a teen because we could have *real* conversations, and do fun stuff together. What I got, however, was the polar opposite. My son is inconsiderate, rude, loud, obnoxious, and starts trouble at home just to see how much he can push before we (his dad and I) get frustrated (and has admitted as much). At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 

I'm just really tired of the bad teen assumptions.


















And from what I've seen, when a problem DOES arrise, it's attributed to some imagined general evilness of teens, rather than people seeing it as a mistake, yk?


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

It's the same with toddlers. "They" assume they are having tantrums even if they are sweet. (And one can be both sweet and moody...I don't know about you but I have mood swings, why should toddlers or teens be any different? We're all human!)

Keep sending that postive energy out to the teens in your life because it makes the world a better place.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
It's the same with toddlers. "They" assume they are having tantrums even if they are sweet. (And one can be both sweet and moody...I don't know about you but *I have mood swings, why should toddlers or teens be any different?* We're all human!)

Keep sending that postive energy out to the teens in your life because it makes the world a better place.









Yes. yes yes!!! I have terrible mood swings, why should I nt have compassion for another human being who is also going through a similar experience. I am not superior, just older... I feel blessed to be able to be around all of these teens. I can't wait to see what DD will be like at 13, I have no dread, just happy anticipation and curiosity.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

Oh yeh.

I have had so many people tell me that my dd (age 14) will hate me someday soon. why is it just assumed that mothers and daughters will hate each other?

it's an ignorant assumption because those who say that to me must not know me or my daughter very well.

I adore my teenagers and find their changes and transformations so exciting. I burst with pride on a daily basis.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susana* 
Oh yeh.

I have had so many people tell me that my dd (age 14) will hate me someday soon. why is it just assumed that mothers and daughters will hate each other?

it's an ignorant assumption because those who say that to me must not know me or my daughter very well.

I adore my teenagers and find their changes and transformations so exciting. I burst with pride on a daily basis.

I hear that too, about my DD hating me one day







I hope that is not true, I can't imagine it to be...I also burst with pride at both of my DCs


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SagMom* 
















And from what I've seen, when a problem DOES arrise, it's attributed to some imagined general evilness of teens, rather than people seeing it as a mistake, yk?









that is very true also.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Yes, it drives me nuts. So do the comments about teens at the park, teens at the mall, teens in the street - as though their very existence was a threat and they should be kept under lock and key at home.

Also, the posts of horror at "my kid is growing up". Our job as parents is to help our kids grow up, their job is to grow up, where is the problem there? Yes, my kids will eventually drive, date, have sexual relations, so what? Perfectly normal.

Not saying my almost 14 DD is always a model of sweetness and light, but then, I assure you, neither am I...


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## primalmommy (Feb 18, 2007)

There's nothing new about it. Once people quit rolling their eyes in sympathy because you have a newborn, they see you enjoying your baby and say, "Wait until he's TWO! Then you'll be sorry!" (I LOVED two. and three... and...)

Every stage of the growing up process will feature some veteran know-it-all mom warning that the party is over, and the next step will be awful.

Whenever I found a mom who admitted to loving her toddlers, or teens, or whatever, I was grateful. I try to be that person now for younger moms.

The flip side, from where I stand now with older kids, is moms of babies who are so sure (like I once was







) that THEIR perfect little child will never stomp a foot and say "NO!" at three, or be sarcastic as a teen. I knew just how parents of older kids were doing it all wrong... until MY kids hit that stage. Then I had to eat crow.

I think a big part of rolling with the changes as your kids experiment with independence is to lighten up, and not take it all so seriously. We have basic rules about respect for each other, at my house, but we somehow manage to avoid the major power struggles and shouting matches that defined my own teen years. A sense of humor helps.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I can't stand it. My big kids are hardly perfect and we have had our problems with ds this year, but all in all he is a great kid who finally just exploded after being an "easy" baby and an "easy" child. His friends are pleasant and polite (albeit very mainstream mall-going types, which I'm simply not used to) and were very kind and helpful to me when he was going through his crisis. I still absolutely love teens in general and my own kids in particular. My son is absolutely delicious (and was as a toddler too) and my adult kids are helpful and a joy and I get so sick and tired of people assuming negative things about them.

ETA: glad to see you here, primalmommy; I decided not to move to Toledo after all, but appreciated all your advice ojn the homeschooling group and think of you frequently.


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

The thing that makes me sad is that dd has bought into this stereotype of teens and believes that she is going to turn evil when she hits the teen mark. Pointing out that dss is (usually) a very sweet teen has not convinced her otherwise.


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## fhqwhgads (Oct 30, 2007)

I hated the teen assumption when I was one, and I still do to this day.

If every adult I knew hadn't assumed I would be a petty criminal when "-teen" got added to my age, I wouldn't have felt obligated to fit the role. If they were going to treat me like the stereotypical untrustworthy, lying, sneaking, evil teenager, well...might as well get all the bad fun that goes along with that anyways, right? Teenagers are some of the wittiest, funniest, most creative and inspiring people I ever had the pleasure of being around. There is a fervent intensity in teenagerhood that so many people forget or don't appreciate. I've got another decade to go before mine is one, but I really look forward to seeing the kind of person she is when she gets there.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Yep- it does get tiring. There is no more or less drama as far as I can tell. IME, it is just sometimes a little more complicated.


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe people for the most part do what is expected of them, and well, if you (general you, of course) make it clear that a teen is expected to be a lazy, manipulative, lying, stealing horndog, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he turns out that way.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have *major* teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jeanne D'Arc* 

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have *major* teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.










don't worry, teens are wonderful. Read this thread.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anubis* 
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe people for the most part do what is expected of them, and well, if you (general you, of course) make it clear that a teen is expected to be a lazy, manipulative, lying, stealing horndog, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he turns out that way.

I have to disagree. DSD is 14, and is getting "wow, you amaze me" letter for Christmas from me, so the way she handles herself is not the problem (any more than she was a little anyway). At the same time, I NEVER expected her to chop up her hair "emo" style, toss all other colors other than black and black to the side, and start listening to loud, scary (heheh) bands I've never heard of.









I didn't grow up in the US, and the whole culture differed from the US a great deal, yet our teenage years were the most troublesome and worriesome for my parents as well. Of course I'll agree that one shouldn't expect the worst from their child, but I'll always look at this stage of growing up as something challenging for both parents and kids.

I think your statement is putting a lot of blame on the parents who are having trouble with their kids, and invalidates their pains and worries... "If your kid does/says mean things, it's because you expected it, so it's your fault anyway!".


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
I have to disagree. DSD is 14, and is getting "wow, you amaze me" letter for Christmas from me, so the way she handles herself is not the problem (any more than she was a little anyway). At the same time, I NEVER expected her to chop up her hair "emo" style, toss all other colors other than black and black to the side, and start listening to loud, scary (heheh) bands I've never heard of.









I didn't grow up in the US, and the whole culture differed from the US a great deal, yet our teenage years were the most troublesome and worriesome for my parents as well. Of course I'll agree that one shouldn't expect the worst from their child, but I'll always look at this stage of growing up as something challenging for both parents and kids.

I think your statement is putting a lot of blame on the parents who are having trouble with their kids, and invalidates their pains and worries... "If your kid does/says mean things, it's because you expected it, so it's your fault anyway!".

I'm sorry, I should have been clearer there.

I know that teenagers go through a lot of changes, physically and otherwise. They're growing up and it's not always easy. And there will be challenges on both the parents' and the kid's side. However, I don't necessarily think challenge = bad. I mean, sometimes a teenager can be utterly disrespectful, that's for sure. But I'd be willing to bet that if the message sent to the kid is "you're disrespectful, manipulative and untrustworthy by definition because you're a teenager" rather than "in this instance you acted in a disrespectful manner", the outcome will be very different. The former is a character judgement based on an ugly stereotype, the latter is a judgement of the action.

I certainly don't mean to say that every single thing a kid does is because of something the parents did. I know I'm just as capable of disrespect now as I was at the age of 15. The only difference is that now people will tell me that what I did was unacceptable rather than that I am unacceptable due to the demographic I happen to fall in. And I react with much less defensiveness.

Again, I don't mean to say that all conflict means that there's something lacking in parenting. Of course not. Conflict can be a good learning experience for all parties involved. However, I stand by the assertion that if your (general you again) main argument as to why you're right and the kid is wrong is that s/he's a teenager and thus inherently wrong about things, you shouldn't be too surprised if s/he decides not to take your opinion into account when making decisions.

(FTR, I didn't grow up in the US either, nor do I live there now, but teen-phobia does seem to be quite prevalent in both of the countries I've lived in.)


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

Teens are such a joy! they bring so much fun into our lives. Are they often a trial? Yes, yes, yes....especially getting them to clean up things/kitchen, etc. But mostly they love spending time with us and are very responsible; all of mine except the oldest is in college and doing well. We are so proud of them. They also have great positive friends and their friends tend to hang out here rather than elsewhere, probably because we have a large two-floor cabin that we reserve for the kids' use, so there is plenty of room for them.
Teens bring so much energy into life; I wouldn't trade my teens for the world.
However, I am not saying there haven't been problems and big fights - there have been. But very rarely. If you listen, listen, listen, you'll find that your teen really wants your attention. And that is what to give them.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primalmommy* 
There's nothing new about it. Once people quit rolling their eyes in sympathy because you have a newborn, they see you enjoying your baby and say, "Wait until he's TWO! Then you'll be sorry!" (I LOVED two. and three... and...)

Every stage of the growing up process will feature some veteran know-it-all mom warning that the party is over, and the next step will be awful.

Whenever I found a mom who admitted to loving her toddlers, or teens, or whatever, I was grateful. I try to be that person now for younger moms.

The flip side, from where I stand now with older kids, is moms of babies who are so sure (like I once was







) that THEIR perfect little child will never stomp a foot and say "NO!" at three, or be sarcastic as a teen. I knew just how parents of older kids were doing it all wrong... until MY kids hit that stage. Then I had to eat crow.

I think a big part of rolling with the changes as your kids experiment with independence is to lighten up, and not take it all so seriously. We have basic rules about respect for each other, at my house, but we somehow manage to avoid the major power struggles and shouting matches that defined my own teen years. A sense of humor helps.









:
i started to get those comments (about the teen years) when my ds was 6 weeks old!
i find the comments about teen girls are the worst, though. i got a lot of those when i was pg and didn't know if i was having a boy or a girl. and they were from women i would consider feminists! why would someone automatically think all teen girls are lying mean bimbos once they hit age 13? ugh! i think in general people don't really like or understand children, period.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK* 







don't worry, teens are wonderful. Read this thread.


thanks for the encouragement.

I've always had "issue" i guess with teens. Even when i was a teen myself
i did not like to be around other teens, with a few exceptions. I
haven't pin pointed exactly why i was like that, esp after age 15.


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## sevenkids (Dec 16, 2002)

I actually find parenting teens sooooo much more _fun_ than parenting younger children. I mean, I loved my kids when they were small and enjoyed them immensely, but now they are older and have their own interests and opinions, they are so much more interesting to talk to. There are rough spots, of course, they make unwise decisions and assert their opinions and want more freedom and do things I'm not crazy about at times. But for the most part, they are great fun and a joy to have around, and so are their friends.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

My oldest son is soon to be 5, and as much as I am already missing his babyhood, and wishing every year could last longer, I look forward to puberty and having a teenager. I like teenagers!







I don't get the teen dread thing either. Especially about girls. The thing I regret most about not having a daughter is not getting to mother a girl through adolescence.


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## annie68 (Dec 10, 2007)

Hi I hope its ok to join in here as Im new?
I have 2 teenage boys..15 and 13 and I love them to bits.Theyre lovely,funny,clever,caring and doing brilliant at school.Of course there are bad teens,same as there are bad toddlers,adults and OAP's.It really is nonsense to tar them all the same!!!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Maybe my daughter is really too young for me to join this conversation. She's twelve years old, thirteen in two months. But I'm enjoying my dd and her friends more and more every day. It's wonderful to see.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenlaana* 
At the school he goes to, the kids are worse even than he is. They hit/punch/kick/insult/steal/etc so much that I am considering homeschooling my son again after only 2 weeks of public school. It may not be *all* the kids there, but its definitely enough that my son *cannot go through a whole class period without being messed with or insulted or threatened by *someone*.*

Honestly this sounds like an emergency situation. I wouldn't leave my child there for another day. Find a better public school, find a private school, start homeschooling, whatever, but don't let your son experience this any more.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annie68* 
Hi I hope its ok to join in here as Im new?
I have 2 teenage boys..15 and 13 and I love them to bits.Theyre lovely,funny,clever,caring and doing brilliant at school.Of course there are bad teens,same as there are bad toddlers,adults and OAP's.It really is nonsense to tar them all the same!!!



















If that doesn't come through, it's a big smiley face saying Welcome!


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
Honestly this sounds like an emergency situation. I wouldn't leave my child there for another day. Find a better public school, find a private school, start homeschooling, whatever, but don't let your son experience this any more.

he doesnt freak out about it like I do, but we are still in the process of switching him to a new school. Unfortunately the only option other than homeschooling (which we did for the past 2 years and really both needed a break from) is private school. Being in the poor range financially makes that a big hardship and we are currently saving up his dad's newly started child support checks until we have enough to pay the entrance fees.


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## jenniepaige (Apr 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jeanne D'Arc* 

I am going to be completely , utterly 100% honest.

I have *major* teen phobia. And I was only a teen myself
5 years ago.



Me too, only I'm a little older. I just remember how bad I was and my siblings AND like ALL my friends. I'm sure their not ALL that way, but I;m sure the vast majority are.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I was a huge PITA when I was a teen, but my mom was parenting all alone and she was chronically ill. She wasn't as involved as I know she wanted to be... at least not in the healthy way she wanted to be. Instead we had a few years of "Do what I say or else" and I basically did everything but. It was unfortunate, but we made it out okay.









I use a lot of that experience as fuel for going another route. It sure can make it hard to relate to other parents of teens though.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenlaana* 
he doesnt freak out about it like I do, but we are still in the process of switching him to a new school. Unfortunately the only option other than homeschooling (which we did for the past 2 years and really both needed a break from) is private school. Being in the poor range financially makes that a big hardship and we are currently saving up his dad's newly started child support checks until we have enough to pay the entrance fees.

Have you asked about scholarships? In our community, some of the pvt schools award them, and there is a charity that gives scholarships to deserving kiddos. Just a thought!


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenniepaige* 
I just remember how bad I was and my siblings AND like ALL my friends.

I got into trouble too--but my relationship with my parents and my relationship with my teens, are very different things. I was raised in a "You will do what I say because I'm the parent" household where there was no room for discussion, and respect was a one-way thing. I rebelled against their control.

I've made it a point, with my own kids, to not set up power struggles and I've worked hard to keep communication open and to treat them the way I'd want to be treated. I'm far from perfect, but I think my approach has made a difference--at least so far it has. I also don't come from the perspective that my kids are out to make me crazy/give me grey hairs etc. I hope they'll always know that I'm on their side.

I would not have wanted to be my parents--they believed the best parents were authoritarians and I did everything I could think of to break away from that--it amazes me that I'm here to talk about it and it would scare the hell out of me to have that relationship with my own kids.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

I too LOVE my teen. Even though *I* was not the most present mama (ironically I was in Seminary at the time







), she is just an absolute joy. She actually lives with her dad 20 minutes away because she wanted to attend a particular school. I feel really fortunate, because a lot of the common strain between mamas and daughters just isn't there. I love watching her develop her own values and ethics. It's like watching this ripple of awareness spread out from her, going further and further as she is able to integrate more and more layers. I am so so grateful to Naomi Aldort for her book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It has really helped me to develop healthy boundaries and much better listening and validating skills. It's so interesting to me to see how effective it is to let go of expectation (my own) and stay in the present. It's when the internal dialogue kicks in that I am then dealing not with my kid, but with the memory of being a teen, and all of the cr*p my parents projected onto us. Just becoming aware that I was checking out was a real eye opener. Being present is so very important to teens. And since this is the age that "checking out" behavior often gets started, whether with drugs, alcohol or whatever, it is important to model being present for your life. I love teens, too. Yea, people think I'm crazy.


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## Realcraftymama (Sep 22, 2007)

Teens are great! They're funny and smart, they can run errands for you, teen boys are very strong and can move things like sleeper sofas and pianos, and who can navigate the internet better than a teen? Huh? Teens are wonderful.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My 18 yr old is coming home from college on Friday and I get a throbbing heart beat when I think of it. I woke this morning feeling like I was 5 and it was almost Christmas. His sibs have great plans (Risk marathons, fire in the fire pit at night, movies, Mexican fiestas- he and his girl friend are good cooks! etc). He and his 14 yr old brother were chatting on the phone last night and the younger brother was so excited-- "You can go to all my basketball games for a whole month!" The 8 yr old called into the mouth piece, "You can give me a lot of paino lessons in a month!"

To have all my ducklings at home. :sigh:

Yeah, teens are great. Kids don't turn into anything other than older. What was lovely about them in childhood (humor, compassion, whatever) stays, but is stronger, funnier, more polished etc.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 

I LOVE my teenagers! We've not had to lay down any law or be "strict" or any of that stuff. None of the kids' friends/peers believe them at first when they say they have never been grounded.

It's true...it's possible.


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## TheTruth (Apr 8, 2007)

people hate teens cause were to old to be cute and to young to leave home


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Thank you for posting this thread. My son became a teen a few days ago and I keep getting the "







good luck with that" from people around me. Yes, we got that when the kids were toddlers and when they were infants. Heck, I remember people saying it about the birth! It seems we spend so much time dreading each phase that we forget to stop and figure out what's behind it, embrace it and enjoy our children for who they are right now.

I do see some challenges in raising a teen. They are more independent and do want to venture off on their own a bit more. But, as a mom, I'm thrilled that every night my son still wants me to tuck him in, talk about his day, rub his back and snuggle. I totally love the person he is right now and expect even more challenges - it's all part of parenting.

Thanks, I've been thinking the same thing lately as everyone rolls their eyes at me when they hear my son is 13 - as if the day he hit 13 a demon would possess him.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I'm just really tired of the bad teen assumptions.

Perhaps it's possible that teens have gotten this reputation because a significant enough number of them do behave this way?

My personal opinion is that our society creates the "teen attitude" through pop culture and treating children as decorations. I work hard in my home to do what I can to prevent my kids from developing this cultural expectation, and I don't think that it's a naturally occurring developmental phase.

But I do work in a library that is heavily populated by teens, and frankly, their behavior horrifies me. They come into the library and are rude, belligerent, foul-mouthed, and basically unmannered. Not every one of them, but the majority. However, several of the people I work with are teens, and they are not that way at all.

For the most part, my own teen is a pleasant person. She has some adoption-related emotional issues that make _my_ relationship with her difficult, but for the most part she is a polite, hard-working, reasonably responsible kid. So I have personal proof that not all teens are unpleasant. But I see a lot of them that are.









dm


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Well, my sweet 12 yo still likes me to call him 'dove' (my little pet name for him







) I love the changes that are coming about. I have respect for him and he is showing me that he is a good communicator and I feel really good about that. My DD is only 8, and I cannot wait to see how she develops, I get so annoyed when people warn me of the impending doom...self fulfilling prophecy anyone ?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jacque Savageau* 
as if the day he hit 13 a demon would possess him.

lol ... the day my dd turned 14 i think a demon did possess her ...







I really expected the teen years to be fun and exciting ... my dd really surprised me with some of the things she went through. The trouble we had though did lead me to find this site ...







glad for that.

I really do love the teen energy though ... I believe that it really just depends on the person.. the individual .. my dd is a wonderful wonderful person ... as a toddler she was into EVERYTHING... her childhood years were super fun and easy ... on her 14th birthday she happened to fall for a crack smoking 18 year old. I am not trying to blame anyone ... this was her path ... she came out the other side ... thank god

my ds was an easy going toddler ... his childhood years had some struggles ... experiments with lying, stealing, ... see, I just don't know where some of this stuff comes from ... it has just got to be what his path was ... he came out the other side of that and now, almost 15 he has so much understanding of who he is .. and who he wants to be. His mind is so inquisitive, we have wonderful philosophical discussions.

There is a lot we can do as parents to help our children be the best people they can be... I also firmly believe we are all born into this world with baggage, and lessons that are our own personal path .. I try to stand by my kids through their struggles.. try not to find blame in myself (not easy) and just try to help guide them as best I can..

but must of all i want to enjoy every precious moment possible


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
But I do work in a library that is heavily populated by teens, and frankly, their behavior horrifies me. They come into the library and are rude, belligerent, foul-mouthed, and basically unmannered. Not every one of them, but the majority. However, several of the people I work with are teens, and they are not that way at all.

I used to know a security guard who worked at our public library, and he said that the teens who made trouble there were the ones who were expected to go there after school every day and stay until their parents got off work - basically, it was library as a free after school care program for teens. Basically, they were in need of adult attention and guidance and weren't getting it, and they also needed to let off steam a bit after a long day at school.

Most teens aren't like that...

Dar


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## Kleine Hexe (Dec 2, 2001)

I haven't read the whole thread. I just wanted to say that I hate it when I get the "Oh, just wait until your kids are teenagers." Right now they are 6 and 3 and it irks me because everyone says that to me.

I can't believe what some people say in front of thier kids either. At the library once my 3 yr old was having a hard time waiting in line. This woman standing in front of me with two teenagers turned and said, "I'll trade you a 16 yr old for your 3 yr old any day." WTH kind of a comment is that? I just looked at her and didn't say anything. I felt bad for her kids.

DH and I were talking about his brother and wife. They got married a year ago. The woman has 3 kids ages 16, 14, and 11. They just kicked the 16 yr old girl out during Thanksgiving. Told her to live with her dad because they were "tired of her and through with her." Now, to hear BIL and his wife talk about this girl you'd think she was walking evil. I've met her. She seems like a normal 16 yr old who is struggling to live with her mother and a new step-father. Now, let me say that I do not have a teenager yet so I realize I have not been there done that. However, this woman has talked to me about her daughter and I have seen the her in parenting action. It's sad. I won't go into too many details but it's just sad. They are always talking bad about this girl. Also, I'd love to know how kicking your daughter out of the house to go live with your ex-h (who is according to you involved with drugs and abused you) is good for the daughter? Want to know what this 16 yr old did? She asked for BC pills and was caught fooling around with her boyfriend. Oh, the HORROR! BIL's wife said to me, "I raised her right... in the church. She knows better." I bluntly told DH that his brother and his new wife *SUCK* at parenting.


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## Five of Us (Dec 28, 2007)

Good discussion.
My daughter was so sweet in her early teens and said so many complimentary things about me that I had to warn her, "There will come a day when you will rebel and hate me. But remember, I will still love you."
She's 18 now, and she is still sweet and still loves me! She says she doesn't understand why some of her friends are so mean to their parents.
I feel so blessed, but still sort of bracing myself for that rebellious period.


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

We have five children, ages 18, 18, 19, 21, and 27. WE have had an exceptionally easy time with them, except for the girl. She was rebellious and full of herself. We did eventually kick her out for rude behavior, but after only one night away from home, she came back full of apologies and flowers and we never had anymore trouble with her.
I think teenagers are full of fun and excitement - they are always coming up with some new joke or story. Our teens are a delight!
Don't fear the beast...just stroke it lightly and allow it some time to grow up.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Five of Us* 
Good discussion.
My daughter was so sweet in her early teens and said so many complimentary things about me that I had to warn her, "There will come a day when you will rebel and hate me. But remember, I will still love you."
She's 18 now, and she is still sweet and still loves me! She says she doesn't understand why some of her friends are so mean to their parents.
I feel so blessed, but still sort of bracing myself for that rebellious period.

My 18 yr old is almost 19, and I have the same fears. I don't see how at 19 he is going all of a sudden hate us, but it seems so a part of American culture to experience this. Is something wrong with my kid? My other teens are also easy-going (one more than another lol One is quite sensitive, so I have to have my Highly Sensitive Radar constantly on High). Their basic personalities are already formed, aren't they? One of my children was adopted, so I wonder how and when when that emotional baggage will manifest.

Nothing is a done deal, and you worry when they are angry and rebellious, and obvioulsy even when they are not (or havent gotten there yet).


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

Don't fear the beast...just stroke it lightly and allow it some time to grow up.

This is great!!! I love this !!!! Sallie


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## primalmommy (Feb 18, 2007)

My homeschooled 14 year old son started reading the "zits" cartoon in our local paper, and I swear he considered it an instruction manual for how to be a teenaged boy. I would catch him almost play-acting... monosyllabic grunted answers, etc -- and I just smiled and said nothing. It passed.

He will start high school next year and I am holding my breath. He's such a good kid, and I don't know how much of that has been our ability to create our own peer group, as a family -- finding friends who share our values re: the environment, diversity, honesty, and treating others with respect.

I once taught high school, and I know he's going to get a much wider slice of life there, including a lot of crap we've tried to avoid. So we'll see how he does. My hope is that he has a good sense of who he is, and his family's influence maybe won't be overrun by that of peers.

Knocking wood


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:

My personal opinion is that our society creates the "teen attitude" through pop culture and treating children as decorations. I work hard in my home to do what I can to prevent my kids from developing this cultural expectation, and I don't think that it's a naturally occurring developmental phase.
\

Wow, I completely agree! I don't think it is natural either.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
I used to know a security guard who worked at our public library, and he said that the teens who made trouble there were the ones who were expected to go there after school every day and stay until their parents got off work - basically, it was library as a free after school care program for teens. Basically, they were in need of adult attention and guidance and weren't getting it, and they also needed to let off steam a bit after a long day at school.

Most teens aren't like that...

Dar

So true. Most are so tender. I have a house full right now. They are my oldest child's high school and college friends, and none of these partciular kids are hs'd, even. Yet they are still not burning our place down. One of them went to the library with me and the younger children today--because she wanted to. They made cookies this afternoon, they played w/ my younger kids-- one is an arttist and college art major, and for 3 days has been teaching my 8 yr old pastel and arcylic techniques. It's been a joy.

Myabe I'll eat my words one day, but *none* of my teens, schooled or hs'd, has ever brought anyone rude home.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I've definitely run into this but I don't think it's exclusive to teens. I'd call it child dread because it seems so many people find problems with children of any age. It makes me wonder why most people have children at all. I think maybe teens get the worst of because people don't think they are cute anymore the way babies and little kids are.


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## MaShroom (Jan 25, 2003)

Oh I am so glad to see this thread!! I was just having a conversation about this with my 15 yo and one of her friends a couple nights ago.
It really bums me out to see parents who have been super AP, freak out and go all hardcore on their teen. They are experimenting with life-just like they always have been. I think sometimes parents get too scared, don't react the way that their teen needs for them to, and it backfires. At least that's my observation, if that makes any sense.
I love my teenager AND her friends. They're so much fun.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shroomama* 
I love my teenager AND her friends. They're so much fun.









That's been my experience as well. I've also found them to have much depth.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I am feeling really envious reading this thread. My stepson is 15 and we have a lot of difficulties with him. He is developmentally delayed and wants desperately to do all the "normal" stuff that teens to (go to the skate park, walk to the town square, go to the farmers market by himself, etc) but he's just not ready to do those things and it causes a lot of problems in our home. He also expects to be able to do whatever he wants and constantly resists helping out around the house (dishwasher and trash are his jobs - not asking a lot, IMO). He is surly and sullen much of the time (even the day after Christmas he woke up in a terrible mood and complained loudly about not liking his breakfast - food he begged for in tears a mere week prior) and it's really wearing on me. He constantly pushes boundaries and I am just so tired tired tired of fighting with him. He has all the hormones and independence desires of a normal 15 yr old, but the maturity of an 8-10 yr old, so it's hard for him to understand why he can't do all the things he wants to do. It's really, really frustrating for all of us.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My kids are not developmentally delayed, but sometimes there is resistance to chores a times. It's not all perfect.... lol I know it's not the same as what you are experieincing. My 8 yr old likes to do certain things her sibs do as well, and because she is with them, she can bike to the farmer's market and get some snacks, and she can walk to the village near us, but have an eye kept on her safety. I wonder if there are any older kids around that you trust who might let him tag along sometimes? Would chart listing everyone's chores help? My kids have choosen their days for certain things. One child likes to do everything in a row, and one child likes times between chores etc.

Also, I've noticed over the years that perfectly lovely young teens sometimes feel sullen or surly (just as adults do lol) and that is hormones...sometimes it's better to let them be, but let them know you are there for them. I've said many times to my kids "I know you feel twisted inside. That's notmal, it's ok, and it will pass. Your body is changing along with your brain. It's gets crazy in there with so much growing ito be done". I am always about normalizing certain emnotional passages. Kids can sometimes be afraid of what they are feeling, and if they know it's partly biological, they can feel safer. I try to make sure there is some pleasantry at those times as well. Pizza, a rented DVD (Adam Sandler makes us all feel better lol), kind words etc.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

I think when people say that, they are trying to be understanding or sympathetic to the teen years. The great majority of the time, teen years are somewhat frustrating for parents, and are a scarier time because they are doing things that could be dangerous to them...and it's also a time when we become less parental to them and are pushing the birdies out of the nest, so to speak. I think parents feel the need to form a parents of teens camaraderie of sorts. It's proven that teen brains don't function the way an adult brain does, which accounts for some of their sometimes unusual behaviors and poor decision making skills. My teenagers are MUCH better teenagers than I was. That said, they do have horrible mood swings at times, the driving thing makes me insanely nervous (and the fact that two of my daughter's friends totaled their cars recently doesn't help), I cannot stand the thought of my kids having sex...because to me, they are still my babies, and that's something you do to MAKE babies!
But....I LOVE my teenagers. I like having their friends around MUCH more than I did when they were in say, 2nd grade! They are interesting to talk to, and all unique in their own ways. It's fun to watch them grow into adults, and the paths they all take along the way.
If someone says something like that and it's bothersome, just say "nah...I don't mind the teen phase at all...it's all good!" or something along those lines. And..feel fortunate that you aren't experiencing some of the problems that other parents are. (I have a friend whose daughter has been having frequent sex with multiple people since 13 and smokes pot, drinks, has been caught shoplifting and skips school. Their other daughter is pre-med in college...)


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I wonder if there are any older kids around that you trust who might let him tag along sometimes?

Not really. He is in special ed at the high school (only one in town) and the mainstreamed kids don't like hanging around with the special ed kids. We have also had some bad experiences with him socializing with a set of teens who do hang around with special ed kids. They are abusive and I think hang out with the delayed kids so they can feel like they have the upper hand with them. Hanging with these kids, he has been called the n-word several times (he is biracial) and been in more than one fight with one boy in particular, but he so desperately wants to hang around the "normal kids" (his words) he is willing to put up with their abuse. We are not comfortable allowing that.

In addition, as they are getting older, DSS has also told us that these kids drink alcohol and smoke pot and those things are not an option for DSS, as he has a medical condition for which drugs and alcohol could land him in the hospital, even comatose or dead.

I'm not trying to derail the thread. I just honestly felt so envious reading about all these cool teens who are so much fun to be around. I actually don't come to this board very often because I just feel like a lot of the solutions that are used here (talking things out, etc) just don't work with our teen.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
Also, I've noticed over the years that perfectly lovely young teens sometimes feel sullen or surly (just as adults do lol) and that is hormones...sometimes it's better to let them be, but let them know you are there for them. I've said many times to my kids "I know you feel twisted inside. That's notmal, it's ok, and it will pass. Your body is changing along with your brain. It's gets crazy in there with so much growing ito be done". I am always about normalizing certain emnotional passages. Kids can sometimes be afraid of what they are feeling, and if they know it's partly biological, they can feel safer. I try to make sure there is some pleasantry at those times as well. Pizza, a rented DVD (Adam Sandler makes us all feel better lol), kind words etc.

Thanks for the reminder of this. I am in a really low place about all this right now, so I know I am focusing too much on the negative and forgetting that a lot of what he is going through is perfectly normal. I have a hard time keeping perspective (and then passing that on to him) because I just feel so piled on all the time. Between him and my two little ones (ages 3.5yr and 20 mo), most days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Feeling like I'm drowning in kids and needs and complaints doesn't exactly manifest my best parenting moments, yk? I will hold onto this post of yours and keep it handy as a reminder.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamameg* 
Not really. He is in special ed at the high school (only one in town) and the mainstreamed kids don't like hanging around with the special ed kids. We have also had some bad experiences with him socializing with a set of teens who do hang around with special ed kids. They are abusive and I think hang out with the delayed kids so they can feel like they have the upper hand with them. Hanging with these kids, he has been called the n-word several times (he is biracial) and been in more than particular, but he so desperately wants to hang around the "normal kids" (his words) he is willing to put up with their abuse. We are not comfortable allowing that.

In addition, as they are getting older, DSS has also told us that these kids drink alcohol and smoke pot and those things are not an option for DSS, as he has a medical condition for which drugs and alcohol could land him in the hospital, even comatose or dead.

I'm not trying to derail the thread. I just honestly felt so envious reading about all these cool teens who are so much fun to be around. I actually don't come to this board very often because I just feel like a lot of the solutions that are used here (talking things out, etc) just don't work with our teen.


How sad. My 14 yr old goes to a special ed program every friday and plays checkers with a 16 yr old there, and he has told me how sweet the boy is and how excited he always is to see him (my son) arrive. So I can only imagine the pain your son is in-- he wants to have a teen friend, some semblance of 'normal' interaction with other teens. I'm sorry it's so hard.


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## majazama (Aug 2, 2003)

I've had people comment (my girls are 3 1/2 and 5 yo) that you're going to have your hands full when they get to be teenagers.







: I actually tell them that I look forward to teenagehood w/ them.

Not all teenagers are raging, uncontrollable psychos. and I really don't think mine will be at all. I was not, so why should they be?


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
How sad. My 14 yr old goes to a special ed program every friday and plays checkers with a 16 yr old there, and he has told me how sweet the boy is and how excited he always is to see him (my son) arrive. So I can only imagine the pain your son is in-- he wants to have a teen friend, some semblance of 'normal' interaction with other teens. I'm sorry it's so hard.

It IS sad and I feel the pain he is in. But at the same time, I resent being the person he takes all of his frustrations out on. He keeps himself in line at school, doesn't pull this stuff with his dad (who works and has a long commute, therefore isn't' around nearly enough), and only sees his mom every other weekend and she's the super star mom who makes him do no chores, takes him to at least one movie every visit, buys him whatever he wants, etc. I get the brunt of it and its wearing me down.

BTW, I think its really sweet that your son does that for the special ed kids. That boy probably looks forward to that every week!


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamameg* 
It IS sad and I feel the pain he is in. But at the same time, I resent being the person he takes all of his frustrations out on. He keeps himself in line at school, doesn't pull this stuff with his dad (who works and has a long commute, therefore isn't' around nearly enough), and only sees his mom every other weekend and she's the super star mom who makes him do no chores, takes him to at least one movie every visit, buys him whatever he wants, etc. I get the brunt of it and its wearing me down.

A lot of this sounds like very typical teenage angst along with dealing with a blended family and new half-siblings, which can make any child feel not quite part of the family anymore. All of that is difficult in itself without having developmental issues on top of it all. We've gone through a very similar situation here. I have a now 16yo ds from a previous relationship and my dp and I have an almost 4yo and almost 7 month together. DS1 was also diagnosed with ADHD when he was around 6 or 7. DS1 and I have talked many times about him not feeling like a complete part of our family. He actually recently moved in with his bio dad, who he doesn't have to share. I've also had to deal with taking care of all the kids on my own since my dh has been deployed for almost a year now. I'm not trying to dismiss or minimize the issues with your dss' developmental delays. They are obviously challenging. Just thinking that maybe if you change your perspective a little to see that a lot of it is normal teenage and life stuff might help you deal with it all, which it seems you already figured out a couple of posts ago.

Since your dss can't hang with the other kids at school, what about a big brother/mentor type program? Is there anything like that in your community?


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## bjorker (Jul 25, 2005)

Thank-you so much for this thread.
I have an extremely hard time with this.
I think I still have left-over feelings from when I was a teen and had a horrible time with my peers. So ever since then, I've felt uncomfortable around teenagers unless it was obvious that they were a kind and caring sort. But really, the very last thing I would ever want to do is make assumptions about anybody's character without actually getting to know them. That is extremely important to me. It's just hard to remember NOT to be like that when it's kind of like a trigger for me. Does that make any sense? It's almost like I feel that they're still out to get me, which is ridiculous.

I also do have a hard time with the "dread" for dd to be that age as well, but I think that's again because of my own past issues. I think it's more an issue of being scared of the unknown, when that was such a sad & scary time for _me_.

I am working on this. I definitely don't want to project my own issues on dd or anybody else. I detest the idea of judging anyone for something as silly as age. Hell, when *I* was a teenager, I hated feeling like people were doing that to me, which seemed to be a common occurrence. And anyway, I don't really think that anybody's teenager is bad. All of you mamas sound like you have truly wonderful children.

I too think this happens with children in general. I've heard my share of "terrible two" comments about dd from people that don't even know her. They rarely seem serious, though.


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