# "your kids are so easy"



## farmer mama (Mar 9, 2004)

Does any else get confused or annoyed when people say this to you? In some ways I take it as a compliment because my kids are "well-behaved" (what ever that means), do well in social situations, and we don't have discipline issues that we are unable to work through. But at the same time it kind of bugs me because the under lying implication is that my kids were just born this way and aren't I lucky. If often comes from moms who are struggling with discipline and make choices that I don't (like being really permissive or inconsistent). My kids are energetic, bright, firey, active kids, dd is pretty emotional and was the type of baby that could be labled "high needs", as she needed to be constantly held and in motion, lots of difficulty with teething, as she got older needed a lot of patience and guidance through losing control emotionally (the 3 year old throwing fit stage) so I feel like we have come really far and made good choices. Also ds is a fiesty little guy so I am sure we will learn a great deal with him, and continue to learn as our kids grow. My point is, all kids present their own unique challenges and the distinction between "hard" and "easy" children doesn't feel right to me. Also, if it bugs me I want to say something to let others know what I am feeling without being confrontational or making others feel bad. Any suggestions?


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

How about giving a little chuckle and saying, "Yeah, well, we work pretty hard to make them *look* that way!"

That keeps the tone light, but lets them know that you aren't just "lucky" -- you've made good parenting choices. 'Cause even if you *did* get kids with personalities that are easy for you to work with (which may or may not be the case), you could easily sqander that by being too permissive, too authoritarian, etc. Also, this phrasing allows the questioner to choose whether or not to probe further into what exactly you did. So if you wind up talking about parenting choices that are different from theirs, it's because *they* asked.


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## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

You could reply, "Then why am I so tired?"

I know, that is annoying when people say your kids are easy. Some kids are just more easy-going than others (some just in public), but parenting is always a tough job.

L.


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## Frogmorest (Jan 31, 2004)

I have been getting that recently as well. What a pain! I just respond and say "yes... in public" with a little laugh.

Tammy


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

yeah, I have gotten that as well...they are good girls...but I haven't necessarily been "lucky" just that I put a lot of love, effort and hard work into raising children and then I just cross my fingers...


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## napless (Mar 20, 2003)

I used to say something like "oh not really" or "if you only knew" - and then I realized how negative I was being. My kids ARE great! (And so are everyone else's!!) When I celebrate that, it becomes even more true.

I really believe that we "create our own reality". I have great kids! I have great kids!


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:

"Yeah, well, we work pretty hard to make them *look* that way!"
I love this response--will try it next time


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I have an easy one. and two very hard ones. I get "So what did you do differently this time?" Which is the equiviilant of "so how did you screw it up with your other two?" I on the other hand am quick to point out "she is the easy one. They all have thier strengths. Her's is just an easy going spirit"


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## farmer mama (Mar 9, 2004)

Thanks for the responses, exactly the kind of stuff that feels good to me. Thanks!


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## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by farmer mama_
*"your kids are so easy"*

huh? No-one ever says this to me! :LOL

Personally I think it's important not to take too much credit or blame for our kids' behavior.


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## Korwynne (Feb 18, 2004)

My favorite is "your kids are so easy.. it's just not fair... but the next one will be horrible to make up for it"

WTH?


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

Picking up on what NoraJade'smom mentioned, I actually feel sort of strange taking credit for DS at times. Indeed, I've wanted to tell people who make mention of "how beautifully he entertains himself" that I spend tons of time _playing with him_ and I feel that that is most likely part of the reason he is comfortable playing independently.

OTOH, when people say things like, "Your son is such a doll. You must be doing something right." I feel almost guilty for taking credit for who DS is?! I've said, "thank you" in response and somehow it just didn't feel right. Now, I usually say something like, "He's a great guy to hang out with!" That way, it's not like I'm taking credit but just concurring that I enjoy him to the fullest. It's a doubled edged sword for these people with such good intentions... I sort of feel bad for people who say anything nice to us because in my mind, the poor people just can't win! I either resent them making me responsible for who he is or I want credit for how nicely behaves! I'm truly in touch with how warped I am!














:

Totally understand where you're coming from on this one.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I was talking to a friend today... our girls are 11 and 12 and we've only known each other a year or so. I was talking about how reasonable and cooperative her daughter always was, and she said the same about mine and then started talking about how difficult it was to parent her daughter when she was younger... and I had the same experience, having a really high-needs, melt-downy small child up until age 6 or so, who has morphed into a really easy pre-teen.

I don't mind taking *some* of the credit - I think parenting our girls respectfully and gently through the hard times is what enabled them to grow into the poised, responsible young women that they are today. We ran interference for them when they were younger, and enabled them to retain their charm and wonder while they became comfortable with the world and who they were - and they're both very intense, sensitive, vibrant, emotional people. I think being punitive would have dimmed that light inside them...

Dar


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## Nanner (Apr 12, 2002)

I have a 3.5 yr old dd and was just talking to a friend about thgis the other day. I am taking a Sociology class this semester and a couple of months ago the spanking thing came up and the teacher asked how many pepl eplanned to spank their kids or not, and then if there was anybody totally gainst spanking. I was the only one to raise my hand (there is only one other motherin the class, who voted for spanking), and I told the professor I ahd a 3.5 yr old and I do not spank.
A week ago I took dd with me to class b/c of childcare issues. She was wonderful thru the 50 minute class (I bribed her with an ice cream sandwich







).
During and after class I had several offers to babysit, and several comments about how great she was. I should also say that when we had the spanking discussion, several people told me that my dd must just be "good", b/c some kids "just need to be spanked".
I almost laughed when they commented me on how great of a kid she is on the basis of 50 minutes of her life.
It could have easily gone the other way!
And a year ago it almost certainly would have!
She is great! But I think her good behavior in class is a mxiture of just her, my parenting, the bribe, and the mood she was in!
She was a high-maintenance baby and toddler, and she still has her moments for sure! But she really is great a lot of times, partly because she just is, and partly my parenting.
I am actually glad she was well-behaved b/c I think it may stick in their minds about how against spanking I was and how"great" my kid is. Though it is all just crap b/c kids are kids, spanked or not, they all have their good and bad moments.
Personally, when someone tells me how great or easy dd is, I try to just say "Thank you", but unfortuantely I sometimes launch into a "Well, she wasn't/isn't always...." speech.
I don't take offense by it but it makes me think of how ignorant people are sometimes.
Sara


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## farmer mama (Mar 9, 2004)

I get either get the comments of "what well-behaved kids" or "looks like you've got your hands full", which means well but I sometimes feel like saying "yeah, why don't you help me carry these groceries then" if you know what I mean! I was actually thinking about the "easy" thing with a mom who was asking me for some advice because she was having trouble getting her 4 year old to sleep. When I started to tell her what worked for us (nightime routine, consistent bedtime, winding down time at night, etc.), she cut me off with "but your kids are so easy!" and I felt like all the thought and energy that I put into helping things run smoothly was discounted. Perhaps she was just needing someone to hear her out by how hard it can be sometimes, and not really wanting advice?


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

No one has ever told me that my DD is easy :LOL because she definitely is not! But when people have told me that she is "challenging" (maybe they don't use such a nice word), I always say something like, "yes I love her spirit" or "my daughter is a very passionate person and I really admire that".

GD pays off though - she's definitely getting easier!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

My kids are easy and *I* say it a lot! When people comment on their "good" behavior I either say, "yes, we are so blessed" or to my child, " this lady was just saying how she thinks you are doing well here today, isn't that nice?"

I don't mean to say that we haven't had our challenges (and many a public meltdown), but all in all, I see other parents who are better at GD than I am, and their kids just seem to be more challenging, compared to other kids, mine seem to have been born with a more agreeable/ *easy* nature (and I thank God everyday







) I am sure GD has helped, but I don't feel I deserve any major credit for their behavior.

The "we are very blessed" is my favorite response, mostly for how it helps me to remember how great they are.


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

I agree that personality plays a role, Patty. I haven't gotten the "easy" comment too much, but people will say things like, "Are they always this good?" Lucky me, the answer is "Usually, yes!" I can see a difference even between my own two, though. They each have their challenges -- ds is more hot-tempered than dd, and more likely to defy me and throw a tantrum. So he makes me feel (and sometimes look) frazzled in public more often. Then once he's calmed down, it's over. If dd gets angry, she will save it for a more private moment, and she stews longer. It makes for a very calm exterior in public, but *I* may feel the ramifications from her for the rest of the day! Strangers just don't see the whole picture! Still, I think they are both "easier" by nature than some other kids. A little dash of bashfulness can make a big difference!









That said, I think some of the parenting strategies I've employed (especially with ds) have made things easier. Thanks to the article on tantrums in Mothering a year or so ago, I feel very confident in handling ds's tantrums. I believe my consistant, calm response to his frustrations has resulted in fewer blow-ups, and has shortened most of the ones that do occur. It also makes me look more self-controled if it happens in public (which is rarely, thank goodness!)


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

Forgive me if I repeat anything - rushed for time but wanted to reply.

I think that people who feel the need to call well-behaved kids "easy" are trying to point out a difference between your kids and theirs, so that they can make an excuse for their kids' poor behavior. You know, "your kids are easy, that's why they are so good, but mine are difficult, so don't blame me if they are behaving poorly." It's a way of denying responsibility. Just like people who tell me the reason my DD is so "good" is because i only have one child. Yes, I know it's harder to have two or three or four, but if I did, I'd work hard to help them learn appropriate behavior, too.

Of course, some people say this and mean it as a compliment. I've had people tell me DD is so easy when what they are really complimenting her behavior. That doesn't bug me at all.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

I usually say something like..

"Yep right now they are.."

Or

"Yep.. Usually when we are out in public.."

Acknowledging their good behavior, but making it apparent that they are not always..

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan


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## water (May 15, 2003)

I don't mind saying, or hearing, that my son is easy because I grew up overhearing people discuss how "difficult' and "awful" I was. In a way it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, everyone thinks I am so awful, so why not behave that way?

I am, however, totally convinced that my son is easy, even when there is evidence to the contrary!! I feel like I really understand him, and why he does certain things, and so he is easy for me.

So when people comment about how easy he is I tend to agree with them, because I want him to hear, and to know that I think the best of him.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

hmm, to the OP ~ i've used this term, and it never bothered me when people used it either... i really do think that some kids have an easier temperment to deal with than others. what really bugs me is when people (parents + non-parents alike) use the terms "good kid" and "bad kid" to describe children's behaviour and/or temperment.

i think that even if kids are raised exactly the same, some will be harder to deal with than others, just because of who they are and how they react to situations...

i also don't think it's fair to parents to dismiss the child's behaviour as a pure product of temperament, because obviously raising a child is hard no matter what. i don't like it when people say "oh you have such an easy kid," and completely ignore how i've raised him... yeah, he was easier to deal with than most, and still is most of the time, but these people haven't seen his meltdowns and how i've dealt with them... they haven't seen the months i spent with him throwing tantrums *every single day*, several times a day, where he would decide to *make himself throw up to get what he wanted*. (*that* was a difficult time.) they didn't see how i handled it and how much work my SO and myself put into disciplining him and just spending time with him, reading, taking him to the park, and so on... just like i think it's unfair to say "oh he's just a difficult kid," and then chalk whatever happens up to luck. there's a lot parents can do for "difficult" kids that help them form secure attachments and mellow out.

** sorry if this is scattered, i've been involved with 2 discussions at the same time i was writing this...


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

farmer mama, in the example you gave in your last post, I can TOTALLY see why you were frustrated. INDEED. Thanks for this thread btw. It's really been interesting and helpful to read... and you know what, I don't feel so bad taking some credit now and again!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Personaly, I think if a child hears her/his mom say something like "Yeah, but you should see them at home . . ." in response to the easy comment, the child would feel ike it was a put-down. I think if anyone said that DD was easy, I'd just have to take it as a compliment and agree that she's a wonderful kid.

Quote:

_Originally posted by farmer mama_
*I was actually thinking about the "easy" thing with a mom who was asking me for some advice because she was having trouble getting her 4 year old to sleep. When I started to tell her what worked for us (nightime routine, consistent bedtime, winding down time at night, etc.), she cut me off with "but your kids are so easy!" and I felt like all the thought and energy that I put into helping things run smoothly was discounted. Perhaps she was just needing someone to hear her out by how hard it can be sometimes, and not really wanting advice?*
I think most people don't want advice . . .they just want to be "heard." I try to figure out what they really want, but it usually defaults to me just listening (I've had to break the habit of giving unwanted advice). If I really think they want advice, I ask if they do. Most people reply with a "but ____ " anyway. It's normal.


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## Katambra (Feb 1, 2002)

I say "Well, I wouldn't say easy, but they sure are great kids!"

Whenever people used to compliment me on my kids' behavior I would always put them down too "You should see them at home" or "Usually they are a total handful" I hate that and I refuse to do it anymore. There are 2 reasons. The first is that I am saying MEAN things about them, right in front of them! The second is that the reason I am saying it is to make the other person feel better. That's not my job and I won't put my kids down to build someone up.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Excellent point Katambra!
I waitress a couple times a week and I often compliment children who are showing good table manners. So many times the parents will say, "not always...you should see them at home" I always say, "I don't believe it" Just so the kids feel like I am still on thier side.


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## wendyk (Feb 9, 2004)

:

I'm thinking of a specific incident before I had a child and wondering now if I offended this mom. Dh and I went to see the Nutcracker one year and there were two young boys (8,9 ish) sitting in front of us. The parents were seated with their younger child the row behind us (not enough seats or I would've just offered to trade). The mom was obviously concerned with how well the boys were going to do by themselves and came to see them with each intermission. I commented to her at one point how well behaved they were and that they were doing great. She seemed relieved to hear that, but hearing everyone else's perspective on this, I'm now afraid I may have offended her. I truly only meant it as a compliment because she really seemed antsy about how they were going to do by themselves. Maybe some of the comments from strangers in public are attempts at compliments? Many of us didn't grow up with great examples of appropriate communication and kind of botch it sometimes when we're trying to actually say something complimentary to someone.

Just a little different perspective.


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

Quote:

I commented to her at one point how well behaved they were and that they were doing great. She seemed relieved to hear that, but hearing everyone else's perspective on this, I'm now afraid I may have offended her.
Wendy, I can't imagine she would have been offended by your comment. On the contrary, she was probably pleased! I think the OP's (and others') objection to comments like "your kids are so easy" is that the speaker is usually making a blanket assumption about the kids and how "easy" the mom has it. Often the speaker is also a mother who considers her own kids "not easy", so the comment becomes a backhanded way of saying, "Your job as a mother is easier than mine." That kind of competitiveness gets people's defences up.

In contrast, you were making a simple observation of the children's behavior at that moment, and offering your opinion that the boys were handling themselves very well. One of the mother's concerns was probably that they might disturb other audience members. I bet your comment gave her some relief from this worry.







I would hate to think that we would stop being nice and saying complimentary things to strangers just because some people use compliments in a competitive way or because an occasional person might mis-interpret our intentions. I think those kinds of comments greatly encourage people far more often than they offend!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

ITA, I love it when strangers tell me that they think my kids are behaving well, esp. in situations where I feel self-conscious, like Church. Keep the true, kind, compliments coming!


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## farmer mama (Mar 9, 2004)

wendy- it never bothers me to have my kids genuinely complimented, just what luvmy2sweeeties said about blanket statements about how easy I or someone else has it. I intentionally compliment people kids or parents about specifics, like your example about at the ballet, or things like "your child is doing a really good job sharing with mine" or "that is really great how she/he was able to ..." If that makes any sense. I think a genuine, heartfelt compliment is a great thing to give to parents and kids, and I appreciate them. Sorry if my posts have been incoherent, my kids have a stomach virus, and now dh has it too (great, another baby to care for).


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

I think a compliment on your child's behavior is nice, and if it is directed at the child, it is even better.

Have you considered telling those who say your kids are "easy", " Not really, all we do is treat them with the repsect they deserve"

That might start some people thinking.


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## Sofiamomma (Jan 4, 2002)

As the mother of one decidely, um, "challenging" child, and one very easy one I have to jump in here. Some children *are* more difficult to parent due to temperment. And if the mom of a difficult child is wistful about your easy one I would say give her a break and don't get your back up. Her job as a mother *is* harder than yours is in some ways. That does *not* mean you are not working hard or that you don't get credit for doing a good job with your kids and your parenting choices. It also does not mean that she is trying to make excuses for her childrens' "bad behavior", or her "poor parenting choices." It probably means she is self-conscious and worried that you are being judgmental of her. She wants you to know she is having a hard time. She just wants to know that people are not thinking ill of her or her children. She just wants support, a hand, a pat on the back. A "hang in there, Mama." That's all.

We really need to give each other a break. For the most part, we are doing a good job. We are trying to be good parents. Some are better at it than others. Some have easier children. Some have more help, more support, are more rested, etc.

If your kids are easy, you are lucky, you are blessed, *and* you are working hard and making good choices, because I would imagine even easy kids would not necessarily stay that way in the face of poor parenting.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Sofiamomma_
*Some children *are* more difficult to parent due to temperment.*
It is always such a relief for me to see a mama with children of different temperaments say this. My dd has never, ever been easy--and no one has ever made that comment to me! She certainly behaves beautifully much of the time, and we've had many compliments on her general behavior....but no one has ever gotten the impression that she is the least bit laid-back or easy-going. She simply isn't. Rather, I've had more than a few comments on how patiently and respectfully I handle dd *despite* her difficult behavior (think violent public tantrums throughout her twos.....). We've also had some less than helpful comments.....

That said, and even though I *know* the role that temperament plays, I still have lingering insecurities about my parenting--and how we are being judged. I am completely guilty of commenting on how easy another mama's child is: when I am amazed by how easily they accept redirection, how smoothly they handle transition, how readily they run off and play with the other children (while my dd clings), how quickly they recover from disappointment. I certainly never meant to minimize the work the other mama put into developing such a happy, well-adjusted individual--and I will be more considerate in the future. But sometimes I am simply AMAZED! by how easygoing other kids can be, kwim?


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## Sofiamomma (Jan 4, 2002)

Yes! I do know what you mean! I just hope that mamas of easy kids will hear what you said about not minimizing the work they have done. I imagine that they are less prone to self doubt. Speaking for myself, I have been far less prone to it since dd2 came along.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Sofiamomma-

You have a good point. Goo has a very interesting temperment. She needs to be in control which is something I never expected. However, I would say she is mostly easy.

Everyone is born with a personality, as parents we work with that to help them be members of the greater society and our families. But we do have to work with what we are given.


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## sntm (Jan 1, 2004)

Good discussion.

I agree that the best response would both acknowledge that different personalities can play a role and that parenting plays a role. And I always think that when things look easy, it's because someone put a lot of effort into it (think about watching figure skaters or dancers and thinking 'I could do that, it looks so easy' when really it is the amazing skill and discipline they have to make it appear easy)

So maybe

"Well, it took a lot of parenting to get them to look that way! But yes, we are blessed with good kids."


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