# Sandwich Generation Mamas? Multigenerational Living



## Mommel (Apr 16, 2010)

Looking for any mamas who are dealing with the situation of living with and/or caring for aging parents or in-laws while raising your own kiddos... any of those out here??


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## Jenni1894 (Apr 1, 2011)

I cared for my mom while she was battling cancer while I had a 3 yr old and under 1.

it was very hard and stressful and mom lost her battle almost 3 years ago. I wouldn't trade that stressful time for anything. As I knew it was the end and I NEEDED to be there and so did my kids. I think it was my kids that kept her going.


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## mami2f3 (Jan 8, 2003)

I'd be very interested in whether there are others facing this. I am not full time caregiver for my mom yet but she does have Alzheimers. We moved to be near (two blocks away) and want her to walk to our house as often as possible so it becomes ingrained before she declines more. I am single mom to three little ones and it is a lot to take on emotionally. I'd love to hear how others are dealing with this.


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## Mommel (Apr 16, 2010)

Is there any interest in a social group for this lifestyle?


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## kathteach (Jun 6, 2004)

Hi all. My dad has Parkinson's and my five year old has autism. I don't even know WHERE to start, but I'd love to connect with all of you.


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## rcr (Jul 29, 2008)

I care for my mom, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 55. She is now 68. I moved her across the country to be with me 3 years ago. It has been a long, long, road to get here. I am thankful that I am able to take care of her, but wow, I don't even know where to begin...


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

YES! I just came here looking for this tribe to post about my frustrations! My mom is 71, my dad passed away 3 years ago, she moved in with us at that point. Our place is VERY crowded now that there are 7 of us--when we moved in, there were 5 and I was pregnant with our DS2, now 3 years old.

My frustration is this--I think this was a HUGE mistake. But I know also that she's not going to do well living on her own, and I feel like sending someone 'out of the family' sends the wrong message to the kids. She's had to stop driving in the last few months, she very rarely occasionally drives.

BUT I'm ready to change something because she's so stressful to live with. I wake up literally every morning to the sound of her arguing with one of my kids. I plainly heard her tell my 3 yr old 'shut up' this morning. How am I supposed to tell him he can't say that when she does? (for the record, I am UP in the mornings, she is naturallly a super-early riser, and i have a cosleeping 12 month old with some health issues requiring my attention in the morning.)

Then she denies ever saying anything to him. Then she'll basically tantrum "FINE I won't say ANOTHER WORD to him!" and stomp off to her room.

We also got into an argument this morning because I stated that on nights like last night where I had the 12 mo. old on my chest all evening and all night, I would like help ensuring that at the very least, the dishes are done before the morning. I absolutely HATE waking up to yesterday's mess, no spoons or coffee cups or anything clean. She yelled at me about how it all gets done in time but she'll do it RIGHT NOW then...and complained that we can't run the dishwasher after we eat because DH complains about the noise. It is loud when you are trying to watch TV. But after he goes to work at 9 PM, we could TURN IT ON if it's loaded. The kids sleep through it.

ON the other hand, because she is here, she can sit in the apt. with the baby and i can take the older ones out still when it's too cold to take the little one. And if she wasn't living in our house, I would have to go pick her up from wherever and take her places. I would also have 2 places to clean--for example, I cleaned the shower at her and my dad's place one time--I had never looked at it before. I don't think it had been cleaned the entire year or so they'd been there. I kept at it regularly after that! I cleaned out their pantry. And if she lived on her own, she would eat nothing seriously but bologna sandwiches, hotdogs, and bakery rolls. Maybe she'd buy a little cucumber or tomato for a salad. No joke. And she is diabetic, but right now it's i don't know if you'd say remission? She used to take pills but the doctor told her she was under control since she started eating better and lost weight and now she no longer needs them.

Tough road. Does not help that DH will not discuss the situation with me or if he does, he tends to side with her. cultural. I don't CARE if she is old and she is my mother, there is NOTHING wrong with asking the people who live with you to help make things function in the home, and I SHOULD be able to do that without being subjected to adult temper tantrums.

Oh this is the other gem from this morning. 6:08 AM, I walked out of my room down the hall to get a diaper for DS3. The entire place was dark, nobody is awake. 6:25, I emerge from the bedroom having bathed DS3 (who usually has a blowout that needs cleaned up) still in my PJs but ready to get the kids going, and 2 kids are awake and Mom is fully dressed and with them. 6:45 or thereabouts, during the fight over the kitchen comment, she tells me she didn't get to take a shower today. I said "I haven't either, and I'm not complaining." In a calm, tone. I informed her that nobody is stopping her from showering. As you can see from my timeline, it was less than 20 minutes from the time I got the diaper and not a sound was heard in the house to when I walked out to find her fully dressed and 2 kids up. (3 if you count the baby) That's a typical morning in our house. It is NOT MY FAULT if she won't just cool her jets in her pajamas for 10-15 minutes. DH doesn't come home till close to 7 so that's no excuse and besides that, she wears her PJ's in front of us other times. I've also told her she is free to go in the master shower and use it if the other one's occupied. I was in PJ's for probably an hour this morning. so what?

yeah it's a real friggin picnic. And I KNOW we need more space. and I KNOW I was not dealing with things well for awhile. All of that and 2 new babies led to some PPD for me.....that it took me till after the 2nd one's birth and a total breakdown to find help for it.

And she will hold a grudge for ages. Always has driven me crazy. Things I will tell anyone to consider before moving a parent in...things do not change simply because YOU are now an adult.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

My mother moved across country to live with us after my father died in 2010. She did so because she isn't comfortable living on her own, though she is completely able to.


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## frugalmama (Sep 12, 2009)

we're om this boat too - until this fall I was caring for my dad with PTSD and Alzheimer's and my mom who is nearly blind and has had a severe stroke. Plus my 5yo with ASD, SPD and other needs. And we home school to boot.

It's gotten much easier now that my dad is gone - I can deal with mom mostly and she is easier to re-direct. I'm hopeful for her to get a home health aide again soon to free me up a bit more for things with my daughter - she and my dad had aides in the past but they quit because of my dad's behavior.


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## IncompetentHousewife (May 10, 2007)

I am so glad to find this thread that I have tears in my eyes! Is there a place we can all connect?

My parents are 80 years old. They are farmers and Dad recently confided in a sibling that he's thinking about retiring. Gotta understand farmers.

I have four young kids, from 22 months to 9 years, with the two youngest having special needs - one extremely so. Honestly I've been feeling sorry for myself lately because it feels unfair to be needing to care for elderly parents while raising babies at the same time.

peaceful_mama, your situation sounds so challenging. Hugs!


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## orangemomma (Jan 6, 2012)

We are headed in this direction with my MIL. She lives 3.5hrs from us - independently but we are not sure for how long. She still drives but probably shouldn't due to failing eyesight.

She can't hear so it is very difficult to check up on her by phone. She would NEVER willingly move closer to us.

Not sure how to proceed when the time comes that she needs more help - I know we're not there yet - but she's 76 and her eyesight and hearing aren't likely to get better.

I am glad to find this thread - will probably lurk a bit to read others thoughts - don't feel like I have much to contribute yet.

I am momma to two.


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## triana1326 (Aug 8, 2007)

Ugh...I'm joining in this tribe on the heels of yet another massive blowout with my mother. She and I are just toooooo much alike to get along for very long. She gave us money for the downpayment on our house in exchange for a place to live. We bought a huge house (basically 2 houses in one) so that she'd have her own living area. But there were some common rooms that were agreed upon when we first moved in, and there was an agreement that she'd help as much as she could with bills and childcare...fast forward three years and I'm feeling the stress...

She's fully capable of living alone, but she takes horrible care of herself. She's diabetic, but refuses to eat properly to control the rises and drops in blood sugar, she and I snap and bicker at each other on an almost daily basis, and we're now paying all of her bills except her insurances and cable. We live on a social worker's income - my husband's - and yet we manage to absorb her cell phone and car payments and food bills, etc...and then I get lectured repeatedly about how I don't know how to manage money properly, about how it's my fault that I'm now a stay at home mom because I got pregnant with our second kid and we can't afford daycare (which by the way, she said she'd do when we bought the house together). She acts as though we're asking the world of her to watch the kids for the 15 minutes between when I leave for a council meeting and my husband gets home from work once a month. I get yelled at, given snide comments and rude remarks about EVERYTHING - the state of the house, the way I raise my kids, that my DH leaves his coat on a chair instead of hanging it on the coat stand by the door...EVERYTHING. We had two blissful months this year when she went to Florida with her boyfriend....and it's been an incredibly hard time getting readjusted to having her here. Having two Alpha females in the house is insanely stressful, esp. for DH. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells around her and I don't know what to do to fix this situation. She doesn't have the money or inclination to move into her own place and she'd take it extremely personally (to the point of cutting ties with us) if we asked her to move out, and she's not sick enough to warrant placement in a home, which I don't want to do either.

So...enough ranting....and thank gods I found you all.


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## Hopefulmama (Jul 16, 2007)

I am so happy to have found this tribe. I have a 4 y/o and a 7 y/o as well as my inlaws and my parents to help care for. I was a late in life baby and waited to have children, so I have a lot on my plate. The book "passages in caregiving" has been helpful to me.


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

found a new book @the library "when your parent moves in" or something very similar. Theres a quiz and tons of info to help decide if they should move in and info on options. One author had parent move in, the other did not, and they discuss why. Good read.


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## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

triana1326 said:


> Ugh...I'm joining in this tribe on the heels of yet another massive blowout with my mother. She and I are just toooooo much alike to get along for very long. She gave us money for the downpayment on our house in exchange for a place to live. We bought a huge house (basically 2 houses in one) so that she'd have her own living area. But there were some common rooms that were agreed upon when we first moved in, and there was an agreement that she'd help as much as she could with bills and childcare...fast forward three years and I'm feeling the stress...
> 
> She's fully capable of living alone, but she takes horrible care of herself. She's diabetic, but refuses to eat properly to control the rises and drops in blood sugar, she and I snap and bicker at each other on an almost daily basis, and we're now paying all of her bills except her insurances and cable. We live on a social worker's income - my husband's - and yet we manage to absorb her cell phone and car payments and food bills, etc...and then I get lectured repeatedly about how I don't know how to manage money properly, about how it's my fault that I'm now a stay at home mom because I got pregnant with our second kid and we can't afford daycare (which by the way, she said she'd do when we bought the house together). She acts as though we're asking the world of her to watch the kids for the 15 minutes between when I leave for a council meeting and my husband gets home from work once a month. I get yelled at, given snide comments and rude remarks about EVERYTHING - the state of the house, the way I raise my kids, that my DH leaves his coat on a chair instead of hanging it on the coat stand by the door...EVERYTHING. We had two blissful months this year when she went to Florida with her boyfriend....and it's been an incredibly hard time getting readjusted to having her here. Having two Alpha females in the house is insanely stressful, esp. for DH. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells around her and I don't know what to do to fix this situation. She doesn't have the money or inclination to move into her own place and she'd take it extremely personally (to the point of cutting ties with us) if we asked her to move out, and she's not sick enough to warrant placement in a home, which I don't want to do either.
> 
> So...enough ranting....and thank gods I found you all.


Hello triana 1326, and welcome to sandwich living. I'm living with my 90 y.o. mom and it is a challenge. My kids are all grown up and on their own...and in fact I'm a grandmother. I retired almost 3 years ago. I'm living on Soc. Sec. I have no savings. My income is very small but meets my needs. I have been divorced for 16 years. I was married for 20. 
I asked mom if I could move in, and she was thrilled. 
I hope this experience helps you to be _really_ _kind_ and supportive to your husband. My parents were not nice to my hubby, either. I made the choice to align with him. Just the same, it was very tough on our marriage. At one point, we agreed it was better not to be around my parents for seven years. Better for our marriage, and better for our children. I don't regret it. We needed to work out our parenting style without all the micro-managing and judging. 
I cannot imagine the stress you must feel with your little ones around grandma. It is so sad to hear about grandparents who do not recognize the blessed opportunity they have to be an active, involved elder to children. 
Life with an elder parent has it's ups and downs, to be sure! Mom and I have similarities; both of us are stubborn. I do not like her to touch my stuff, and fortunately got that cleared up early in the game. I am very conscious of personal boundaries. Mom never understood what healthy boundaries mean. 
Mom is _very controlling_ about her turf; she is OCD when it comes to cleaning the house. I have pitched in and cleaned; she goes over what I've done. I have my own 10sq.ft. bedroom and bathroom, which I keep clean. I love to garden, and re-landscaped her front and side yards two years ago. Currently I am working on the patio, placing colorful plants. She seems happy with the results of the landscape. Every thing that was planted was according to her wishes. I made suggestions, she liked some, and so I plugged away and completed the work last Fall.

I think the hardest part of living together is letting go of my expectations. In the past I 'hoped' for some praise. Now I just do what I do to make me happy. 
B/c mom has always been hyper-critical, I let her voice her criticisms and let them go without comment. Arguing is useless. I know she won't change. 
Sometimes when I am feeling 'cornered' by her complaints, I go to my room, shut the door and read something productive (gardening information, good classic literature, or write in my journal about what I'm feeling and why). Letting off steam helps me not blow up. So does meditation. I refer to a few good books on relationships and communication, refreshing my memory by re-reading some chapters from time to time. I especially like M.Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled.
It sounds like your mom is pretty critical about your style of parenting; mine was (---- and still is). She told me last week I 'handled' my infant son 'too much' (he is now 36 & happily married to a wonderful woman. They have a 10 month old Baby!). I also have two awesome grown daughters. My elder daughter has two beautiful little ones, ages 6 and almost 3. Mom is very critical of my daughter who is a mother, and is nicer to the one who is single. She never calls them or my son on the phone. I know they are super-busy so I call them. If they can't answer I leave a positive, loving message. They call back pretty quick! 
Although I can say I love my mom, I realize she is not/has never been a very nice person. I don't 'like' her. Our tastes in clothes, decor, movies, food, and the way we relate to our respective children ---- couldn't be more different. 
Sometimes acknowledging differences can help clarify where I can compromise. Sometimes mom is very vague about what she wants and will not come out and ask/tell me directly. I try to be diplomatic when I speak to her about stuff, but she has never been a good listener. She is very self-absorbed. 
In a way, I am faced with a blueprint of what I do not want to be as I age. I've thought that about both my parents since age 8. Today I can rattle all this off without feeling strangled. Some days it is important to just let mom 'be' and avoid long hours of contact: I no longer feel it is my job to *make* her happy or to be the middle man between her and any workers we have around here --- I fell for that once before, and it was a good lesson for me. 
I try to exercise faith that I am exactly where I need to be for now. For whatever reason, here is where I am, and there are probably lessons I need to learn now. I am quietly researching where I might settle once mom is gone. I have two elder siblings (sisters) who visit maybe twice a year. They call mom on the phone frequently. That is helpful. 
I am a retired RN so mom has no worries about her health care. I know how to make her comfortable when she's not feeling well, and unobtrusively do things to support her health. When I cook (and I've been told I'm a *very good cook*) mom won't eat what I've prepared. I pretend I don't notice.

I realize I have not directly answered your post, triana 1326. I hope some of the things I have written are helpful. I can't change the 'externals' of my life now, so keeping my attitude in check is my work. I think telling the truth about my thoughts and emotions to a friend or online here is productive. I am glad I am not the only adult child who is continuing to learn how to manage several generations at one time.


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