# Why doesn't santa bring gifts to all kids?



## southernmama (May 1, 2004)

We were purchasing and wrapping gifts for our hoilday "adopted" family and I was explaining that some kids are less fortunate and there is no money for extras like gifts and 4 yr old ds says "but santa will just bring them gifts". um... i wasn't sure what to say- anyone have this conundrum come up? how did you handle it?


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

That's why we don't lie about Santa.

It's a fun game that we play. We put out stockings the night before Christmas and those get a few small things in them. But "Santa" doesn't bring presents or anything like that. Those are given by real people. But we given them in the spirit of Christmas.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

and this is why we don't do Santa.

as a child it broke my heart that Santa brought the naughty kids who already had so much, hundreds of gifts and brought me nothing even though I had been good all year.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

"Because as much as Santa wants to and as hard as he tries he just can't get gifts to every child in time. He really appreciates his helpers that are scattered around the world that pitch in and helps with the children that might have been forgotten."

Or something along those lines, depends on how deep into the Santa story your family goes.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I was wondering this when we watched The Polar Express the other night. In the movie, there's a kid from a poor family who says that Christmas "just doesn't work out" for him, hinting at the fact that he hasn't received Christmas gifts in the past, and is surprised and excited when he receives a gift from Santa late in the movie. And I was sitting there thinking, "But if Santa is real in the movie, why wasn't that kid getting a gift all along? Why this year? Was the kid 'naughty' in all the previous years?" It didn't make sense.

That said, we do Santa in our house, so I'm interested to see an answer to this question from someone who does Santa. As much fun as I have doing all the Santa stuff, we don't do the whole naughty/nice part of it, and I certainly wouldn't want my kid thinking that all poor kids are "bad."


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

I honestly think there is no way around this, and it's the main reason that we don't pretend Santa is real and brings gifts. And we absolutely never EVER reinforce the "good boys/girls get gifts, and naughty boys/girls get nothing." That's just total yuck nonsense, and I let that be known loud and clear.

We are honest that Santa is a fun Christmas character, but that gifts are bought by real people with real money, and sometimes people don't have enough money to buy what they want or need, so we help out where we can.


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
"Because as much as Santa wants to and as hard as he tries he just can't get gifts to every child in time. He really appreciates his helpers that are scattered around the world that pitch in and helps with the children that might have been forgotten."

Or something along those lines, depends on how deep into the Santa story your family goes.

But why is it the same kids year after year who don't get the gifts? And why does he repeatedly bring so much to certain kids? It just doesn't work out, and sets up kids for some really awful feelings.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

santa brings a few gifts, but mommies and daddies get gifts for kids too and we need to help the mommies and daddies.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dabble* 
But why is it the same kids year after year who don't get the gifts? And why does he repeatedly bring so much to certain kids? It just doesn't work out, and sets up kids for some really awful feelings.

How does her child or mine know it's the same child(ren) year after year? Unless they adopt the same family each year it would be hard to figure that out, at least that's what it seems to me. We donate toys to CHiPs for kids or similar organizations, my kids know they go to kids who don't have as much but that's about it.

It doesn't sound like the OP's child asked why the same kids don't get presents year after year and I don't think it does the children much good to over complicate a situation such as this.

Why can't a simple question regarding Santa be asked without it quickly devolving into a "We don't do Santa for XXX and this is why you shouldn't either" discussion.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I'm fine with people doing Santa. I don't consider it lying and I fully understand the magic of it all.

But honestly, when a kid has the sensitivity and intellect to ask a question like this, I think it's time to gently tell him the truth. That Santa is the name some people use for the good feeling that makes them want to give presents at this time of year. And that this is what you and your kid are doing.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

We talked about people who don't celebrate Christmas and my dd asked if Santa came to their house. We said, "No, of course not."

Honestly, I wouldn't tell my kids that there are kids who don't get Christmas gifts. I've known some very, very poor people and they still got gifts. I was a CASA for a mom who had 5 kids and lived on her SSI payment of ~$500/month, and they still had Christmas gifts. Most of them came from charity, but there were presents. I think that when you adopt a family you help them have a nicer Christmas, but I think if you have the means to apply for Toys for Tots or something, you probably have the means to come up with something for your kids.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
Why can't a simple question regarding Santa be asked without it quickly devolving into a "We don't do Santa for XXX and this is why you shouldn't either" discussion.

Agreed. My ds asked me about that when he was 3-4 yrs old and at 7 yrs old is no where near ready to give up on Santa. I just explained that not all families follow a religion that celebrates Christmas and Santa knows which ones don't, so he doesn't want to violate the parents beliefs by bringing gifts to the children. However, some people still like to give gifts at this time of year without celebrating Christmas, and sometimes need help getting the gifts for the children.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

In our house Santa only brings one gift, so I would use the pp's response - we are helping the mommies and daddies.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
How does her child or mine know it's the same child(ren) year after year? Unless they adopt the same family each year it would be hard to figure that out, at least that's what it seems to me.

Because _this time_ the kid asked about an "adopted" family, but may also ask about neighbors, friends, relatives who either get a lot or much less/nothing.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Slightly different angle...but when our financial situation went south, I was really glad for our earlier decision to teach our kids "Santa as a game." This made conversations about what to expect, especially with my ds who has always had a *stellar* memory, much easier.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *snoopy5386* 
santa brings a few gifts, but mommies and daddies get gifts for kids too and we need to help the mommies and daddies.

That's what I'd say...


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## Jeannettea (Apr 2, 2006)

My dd asked me this a few years ago. In our house, Santa only brings one gift - all the others come from family and friends. My response was that some parents can't afford to buy their children even the basics because maybe they lost a job, etc., and so Santa would bring those kids something they truly needed. And b/c we believe in Santa and want to help spread his magic, we are like helper elves and we buy a toy to help that child out and make sure the child gets something fun, too, besides just the needed item that Santa brought.

I have the feeling this is our last year for Santa.......she's turning 10 soon, and she's at the "maybe he's real and maybe he's not but just in case...." stage.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *southernmama* 
We were purchasing and wrapping gifts for our hoilday "adopted" family and I was explaining that some kids are less fortunate and there is no money for extras like gifts and 4 yr old ds says "but santa will just bring them gifts". um... i wasn't sure what to say- anyone have this conundrum come up? how did you handle it?

That is a hard question. And I think its great what you're doing. Is there a way to re-frame your holiday giving as "sharing with" and "surprising" other children? Maybe take the focus off of the less fortunate/no presents aspect and emphasize the good feelings it brings to be giving to the other members of your community.

Also, maybe say something along the lines of, "People say Santa brings surprises to every child for Christmas, these are just some extra goodies that we want them to have." or maybe, "This way we get to have fun being Santa's helpers since he has such a big job to do."

Just a couple of ideas! We "do" Santa too BTW so that is the spirit in which I'm offering my advice. HTH


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## Dingletwitz (Nov 4, 2009)

Parents have to sign-up for Santa, and some parents either don't sign up or they forget to or the kids need things that Santa can't make at his village.....this is why we also sign up to be a Santa helper and Santa sends the list to us and we go and get the stuff for our "adopted" family. This explanation always worked at least for a couple of years to keep the winter fun going. I think kids might actually have more fun as Santa's helper than they do with their own gifts if we do it right. And that seems to be what the holiday spirit is all about. Our adopted family actually gets more from us than we have among us at home as far as presents go.....but we approach the winter holidays a bit differently than most anyway.


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *snoopy5386* 
santa brings a few gifts, but mommies and daddies get gifts for kids too and we need to help the mommies and daddies.

This is an explanation I think that most kids will accept until they are ready to stop believing in Santa.

But in our house, there's only one or two presents that "come" from Santa. (This year, a Bruder bulldozer and a dvd.)


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

My children have been raised to know santa isn't real. But you've raised a really good question. I've never thought about it before.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
Why can't a simple question regarding Santa be asked without it quickly devolving into a "We don't do Santa for XXX and this is why you shouldn't either" discussion.


Because this IS the reason why many of us have chosen not to do Santa. In many ways having to answer this awkward question is the natural consequence to choosing to lie to your child.

I really don't understand why parents would do Santa. It's just as much fun to present it as a story and a fun game. I grew up with it being "done" in a very basic way and I always knew he wasn't real. That didn't wreck the magic or anything.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
My step-mother-in-law adopts a family herself each year. She gets a list from the parents of what the kids want. She buys them, wraps them, and delivers them to the parents. She buys some food and other items as well. And those kids --- those kids who know that they're parents likely can't buy them a new doll because they can't even buy milk --- sure do believe in Santa. And their parents aren't likely going to ruin it for them because they're in a position of not having much to believe in at all.

My step-mother-in-law is really heartbroken by some of the things she's seen since doing this, but she's also glad she can make even a small difference for these families this time of year. I don't see what good it does to dispel the myth of Santa in some cases --- especially those cases where the kids know they can't get anything from their parents. Who besides Santa _is_ going to bring them a gift for Christmas?

I mean, imagine being the parent who can't afford Christmas gifts on Christmas morning and your child asking you why Santa didn't bring him or her a gift. What good does telling him or her that Santa isn't really do then? And what good does it do to not do Santa at all, especially if the child doesn't have much else to believe in?

Why not explain that Santa's an idea and the spirit of Santa inspires people to help out other people?

I didn't say not to do Santa at all! I said not to lie about it. We play the game of Santa... Santa brings stockings to our house. We play the game, but DD had the idea presented to her as a story. But she's currently 3 and choosing to believe because she got told that he was real at daycare.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
Call me crazy, but it may have something to do with not wanting to worry kids any more than need be by explaining _why_ the family needs help.

See I have an issue with this, and that is that "poor" kids don't get the privilege of "not worrying." Trust me they know they often know that they can't go grocery shopping until the Food Stamps come in, and they know that their parents can't buy them stuff for holidays. It is only people with privilege who get to pretend suffering and injustice doesn't happen. For instances kids in Iraq and Afghanistan sure as heck know that there is a war going on while same aged kids in the U.S. can often be "sheltered/protected" from the realities of war. (I have read several thread about people not wanting their kids to do current events on the war)

Same with class disparages, racism, homophobia etc if you are coming from a place of privilege you can just "not talk about it," but if you are living it everyday you have to talk about!


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
Because this IS the reason why many of us have chosen not to do Santa. In many ways having to answer this awkward question is the natural consequence to choosing to lie to your child.

I would say having to answer the awkward question of "why do I get this and that other family doesn't" is going to come up for anyone who chooses to reach out and get their kids involved in community service, regardless of how you view the bearded fat guy.

The awkward question is more a consequence of exposing your children to the idea that not everyone lives like them. It really doesn't have much to do with Santa. After all, it could have been avoided if the parents just donated to the giving tree and didn't involve the kids.

I welcome awkward questions from my kids. It tells me that I am doing something right, especially when it involves trying to explain to a child the many unfair disparities that we see all around us.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I would say having to answer the awkward question of "why do I get this and that other family doesn't" is going to come up for anyone who chooses to reach out and get their kids involved in community service, regardless of how you view the bearded fat guy.

The awkward question is more a consequence of exposing your children to the idea that not everyone lives like them. It really doesn't have much to do with Santa. After all, it could have been avoided if the parents just donated to the giving tree and didn't involve the kids.

I welcome awkward questions from my kids. It tells me that I am doing something right, especially when it involves trying to explain to a child the many unfair disparities that we see all around us.

Yes, but I think it's easier to say "Because different people have different amounts of money, so their parents can buy them different amounts of presents" than to have to explain to a little kid that you've lied to them.

My DD is 3 and knows that we don't have money to buy toys or treats like other kids. So maybe I'd rather just be honest with her. We donated toys this year to a charity and told her it was because some parents can't afford to buy any toys. We don't play up Santa, so that never entered the equation.


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## SomedayMom (May 9, 2002)

Quote:

santa brings a few gifts, but mommies and daddies get gifts for kids too and we need to help the mommies and daddies.
I'd say that too. We live that. Santa brings a few things, but the rest are from us. I know there is debate about the whole Santa thing, but it was a fun experience for me and my kids enjoy it, so to each their own.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Santa just does stockings at our house, so while he might fill stockings, when we do an "adopt a family" thing, we choose under-the-tree gifts for them.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
The awkward question is more a consequence of exposing your children to the idea that not everyone lives like them. It really doesn't have much to do with Santa. .

I think it is a different question. The same child who helps shop for food for other's Thanksgiving dinners, and who donates outgrown winter coats, could wonder why giving is necessary at Christmas since Santa will bring the gifts.

It is a tricky situation. Personally, I think it is best to explain that it is just a story when kids start asking deep questions about Santa. Little logistical questions are part of the fun "How does he get in if we have no chimney?", but the deeper questions would indicate to me that the child deserves an honest explanation.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
But Christmas! Christmas was my time not to worry because it meant Santa!

That is magical and sweet. I'm glad Santa (and your extended family) was there for you









I am sure, though, that lots of children from low-income families don't have that "Christmas miracle" of gifts appearing. I wonder if they Santa story is as comforting in their situation? (I haven't been in that situation....truly wondering).


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

My parents always told us that Santa sent a bill in January for all the stuff he brought. And, knowing my parents and their use of credit cards, that wasn't too far off.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
Call me crazy, but it may have something to do with not wanting to worry kids any more than need be by explaining _why_ the family needs help.

My kids have grown up priveledged and giving to others is part of how they've been raised. We didn't get into *why* some families have more than other when they were small, but they are middle school aged and we talk about it now.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I think it is a different question. The same child who helps shop for food for other's Thanksgiving dinners, and who donates outgrown winter coats, could wonder why giving is *necessary* at Christmas since Santa will bring the gifts.

We did Santa when they kids were little, but I was careful about what I said. I see Santa as a beautiful myth -- I think that the real meaning of Christmas is giving to someone who has no way to give anything back to you and that the Santa story explains that to small children. I really wouldn't feel my Chirstmas was complete unless I gave something to a stranger who couldn't even say thank you. That's what Christmas really is.

For me, letting my kids believe in Santa AND having them be involved in giving to others made perfect sense. There was never a conflict to me. I let the myth teach my children the value underlying charity. I don't feel that I lied to them. The spirit of giving is a live and well, which is why so many people give money and goods in so many ways at this time of the year.

To me, it's not about whether it is "*necessary*" to give. Giving is a choice, and it's a priviledge. We all chose the role we want to play, and Santa is a role that we can choose.

A small child can understand that not all children have the same amount of stuff and that we can be Santa's helpers. It's because Santa is so very wonderful that we give toys away at Christmas.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I'm fine with people doing Santa. I don't consider it lying and I fully understand the magic of it all.

But honestly, when a kid has the sensitivity and intellect to ask a question like this, I think it's time to gently tell him the truth. That Santa is the name some people use for the good feeling that makes them want to give presents at this time of year. And that this is what you and your kid are doing.

Yes, I agree. Santa is magical and fun for little kids. When they get old enough to start questioning things I feel it is a natural progression to not believing in Santa. And a good way to spill the beans IMO is to ask what the child thinks is the truth and just have a convo about it.

When ds1 said, "[Cousin] says Santa doesn't exist mom, does Santa exist?", I asked him what he thought. He said that he thinks Santa does exist, therefore he WANTS to believe in Santa. I told him I think he's right.

I completely respect every family's decision regarding things like this and it rubs me the wrong way when I hear people talking about how doing Santa is lying to your kids, etc. (Not talking about anyone on here). I loved Santa when I was little and was not traumatized when I found out the truth, in fact I don't even remember it, only that it was fun to pretend for my younger siblings.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
To me, it's not about whether it is "*necessary*" to give. Giving is a choice, and it's a priviledge. .

I didn't intend to imply otherwise with the word "necessary". More that, I can see how a child would be confused that other children are "in need" at Christmas (as opposed to other times), because Santa has this one covered. Surely they asked Santa for those things, right?

Maybe I just think too much like a preschooler









Anyway, it is interesting to read all of the different approaches. The families I knew growing up either did Santa 100% diehard (Yes! Real! Brings all the toys to all the girls and boys!) or not at all, so the subtleties are new to me


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
It doesn't sound like the OP's child asked why the same kids don't get presents year after year and I don't think it does the children much good to over complicate a situation such as this.

I don't understand how the truth is overcomplicating things. It's actually the Santa myth that's overcomplicating things. We buy gifts for other children at Christmas, and my children know that. They also know that it's because some children don't have parents to buy for them and others have parents who don't make enough money. That explains it nicely without having to run around in circles trying to explain the unexplainable.

If she's asking this question, she's on the trail to figuring out that he isn't real. At that point, I really think it's time to level with her, regardless of her age.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
Yes, but I think it's easier to say "Because different people have different amounts of money, so their parents can buy them different amounts of presents" than to have to explain to a little kid that you've lied to them.


I still don't see the relevance, though perhaps you know a lot of people where Santa is responsible for most of the gift giving? That's not true in our family, as others have mentioned, it's just stocking stuffers.

When we buy things for toy drives and food drives and giving trees, the kinds of things we are buying are different. I also have never couched things in "we're helping santa" terms.

We have money and time above and beyond what we need. There are many people in the world who do not. Therefore we donate to worldwide charities so that people in other areas of the world have more opportunities AND we dedicate ourselves to helping in our community as well. If that family would like the gifts to be Christmas/Hannukah (sorry, I'm probably mispelling)/Whatever, then that is their own private decision. We don't give because of/for the holidays anyway, we are doing it because it's our spiritual belief to do so. (probably it also helps that we do things every month, year round, so there is no particular association with Christmas).

I get that you have disdain for people who "lie" to their children about Santa, but I think that it might be clouding your perception for how others do Santa to be honest. The types of things we see on giving tree lists would never have been given by santa in our house. When the kids have asked questions about different cultures/religions (we have a really diverse group of friends), we ask our friends what kind of special things happen for them at the holidays. I dunno, it's really not that big of a deal, no punishments or consequences for "lying" here. But then again, not everyone who does Santa does it over the top as some people seem to imagine that everyone does it?


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I personally feel when kids ask these question then it is the time to be honest.


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## phoolove (Jul 18, 2008)

When my son asked me why Santa doesn't bring gifts to the kids who really need them, and why he brings so many gifts to "rich" kids, I asked him "Why do you think?" and he couldn't come up with a logical answer, so I told him the low down on Santa. He was just kinda like "oh"

Last year, my DSD, 8, kept asking about Santa and telling me that kids at school were telling her Santa's not real etc...but I didn't think it was my place to tell her so I did the whole
"What do you think?---You should ask your mom/dad about it" thing.
When her mom found out that she was doubting, her mom sent her a letter "from" Santa which read something like----I believe in you, Thank you for believing in me. Love, Santa.

I think that is too far, and conspiring to trick your kid seems weird to me, but she is my DSD and that isn't my call. DH was not aware that mom had done the letter until after the fact.

(also, just for clarity--DH is CP of his DS, and mom, her DP, DH, and I are friendly with each other)


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I would say having to answer the awkward question of "why do I get this and that other family doesn't" is going to come up for anyone who chooses to reach out and get their kids involved in community service, regardless of how you view the bearded fat guy.

The awkward question is more a consequence of exposing your children to the idea that not everyone lives like them. It really doesn't have much to do with Santa. After all, it could have been avoided if the parents just donated to the giving tree and didn't involve the kids.

I welcome awkward questions from my kids. It tells me that I am doing something right, especially when it involves trying to explain to a child the many unfair disparities that we see all around us.

I disagree as someone whose children are incredibly involved in the community. Those awkward questions, which I don't find awkward really, are part and parcel of everyday discussions in our house. We do charity work at a minimum once a week, so my children are exposed to the idea that everyone doesn't live the way we do. DD is too young to ask much about it yet, but as DS asks, I've talked to him about various reasons people may need whatever we're doing that day.

I can't imagine then trying to explain that Santa - this guy who's portrayed as bringing toys to children as long as they're "good" - wouldn't bring toys to some children. I suppose it's easier if you only tell your kids that a couple of things came from Santa, but overall it just seems to get you in deeper to start trying to explain why some children don't get Christmas gifts.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

Didn't read all the replies, but want to reply to the OP.

I don't promote santa but I don't spoil DD's magic either. I answer most of her questions about santa with "what do you think", EXCEPT the question about if naughty boys and girls get gifts (answer is yes) Also can he really see us sleeping (answer NO!)

And why we need to get toys for the kids whose families need help. The answer to this is that santa only brings one or two presents per child and all the rest come from the family.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I suppose it's easier if you only tell your kids that a couple of things came from Santa, but overall it just seems to get you in deeper to start trying to explain why some children don't get Christmas gifts.

If you know people who do not celebrate Christmas, how do you explain that?

I dunno, I guess I don't see answering questions as getting someone "in deeper". At the stages when kids are fixated on presents, I guess it could be hard, but I dunno...my kids have never grown up believing that all "good" kids get presents from Santa, our friends base is too relgiously/culturally diverse for that. And again, I guess it depends on how over the top their experience is. If all Santa does is fill shoes or stockings with apples/oranges/candycanes/small toys, and most of the presents received come from parents/relatives...why is it so hard to explain that for families that really don't have much, it's nice to give presents to an organization that hopefully allows those mamas and daddies to pick out some presents that they can give their children. That IS how it tends to work. It really has nothing to do with Santa. That just seems simple to me.

I do think that to some degree the people who don't like the santa concept are overthinking things a bit. But what do I know, I have "lied" to my children before, which should automatically make my thoughts suspect, right?


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I disagree as someone whose children are incredibly involved in the community. Those awkward questions, which I don't find awkward really, are part and parcel of everyday discussions in our house. We do charity work at a minimum once a week, so my children are exposed to the idea that everyone doesn't live the way we do. DD is too young to ask much about it yet, but as DS asks, I've talked to him about various reasons people may need whatever we're doing that day.


Well, you're not really disagreeing with me, in a sense. I said that if you involve your kids in the community, you're going to have questions of disparity and need, which is what tends to get slapped with the "awkward" label. I myself don't find the questions awkward or uncomfortable either, but I know that a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about homelessness and poverty with their kids, and *don't* do a lot of community service activities with their kids. They tend to get more involved when there is a lot of easier access. I think that if one IS involved frequently in social service activities, the kids don't fixate on the season. At least, that is my theory for why my kids don't really bat an eye over giving at Christmas. It never would have occured to them that the season is somehow excluded from need, since they've been coming along with me doing things since they were babies, year round.


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## sahmmie (Jan 13, 2008)

This is one of the many reasons I've always told my kids that Santa is make-believe.


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## kathleen_mary (Feb 27, 2009)

This is apparently how I found out about Santa. I was only 5, but my parents ran the angel tree at church and we were involved in a fair amount of peace and justice activities. My mom likes to tell this story. I just gave birth to my first daughter and we intend to tell the story of Santa but not that he actually brings anything to kids. My question is what do you tell your kid so she doesn't break the news to other kids in a way that irritates the parents?


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
It's actually the Santa myth that's overcomplicating things.

With all the confusion/debate surrounding so many Christmas-related topics, maybe it's the Christ myth that's overcomplicating things.







Santa aside, how do we answer kids' questions about why a supreme being would allow those children to live in poverty and hunger in the first place?


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathleen_mary* 
My question is what do you tell your kid so she doesn't break the news to other kids in a way that irritates the parents?

Well, this may not work for every family, but since my kids have grown up Unitarian/Universalist/liberal Christian, it's actually not a stretch for me to say that every family handles this in their own way, and it's not kind to make fun of other people's beliefs or to make them feel bad for believing in things that you do not.

So there is that aspect. And since we are a way early starter of "sex ed" both in our family and at church, I've also had to have The Talk with my kids about things that for now they should refer kids back to their own parents, or they're things that you talk about at home with your own family because sometimes other families decide at different times to talk to their kids about it, and we're going to be sensitive to how other people do things as well.

Easier said than done with really young kids, but Santa might be a good warm up if you've not yet dealt with your kid playing Dr. Ruth to their Kindergarten class/girl scout troop/on a playdate with extremely conservative in regards to sex education neighbors...


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
Santa aside, how do we answer kids' questions about why a supreme being would allow those children to live in poverty and hunger in the first place?


In our family, we state our (the parents') beliefs...generally it's the actions of humans and human entities that create the conditions that lead to extreme poverty (slavery, exploitation, colonialism, unsustainable agriculture, war, dehumanizing other people) and need; but that it's also the actions of people trying to follow our teacher's guidance (in our case, it's the teachings of Jesus) who can make the most direct impact to try to make things different and love and care for those who are around us and on our planet.

I know for me, God allows me the space to focus on something outside myself, to fill a deep need that I have for that 'other', so that I am complete enough to truly serve others for who they are and where they are, no matter where that is. I have told my kids that and other stories in regards to why *I* believe in God and why I feel most connected to the teachings of Jesus, but I never have and never will assume that they will find the same path.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

We don't "do" santa, but we don't shield the kids from santa either, and we haven't said "santa's a story!" or "santa's not real" or anything. Just sort of not addressed him differently than any other tv or book character that they like.

It'll be interesting handling the reverse question when Sophia realizes that other people get presents from "santa" and she doesn't. Not quite sure how that'll go down, yet. But thankfully, she's not even 4 yet and while she has some deep questions for her age, she hasn't figured out that people believe in santa so fiercely. She sorta "believes" in him the same way she believes in Dora the Explorer or Elmo. They exist on tv and occasionally you run into them at a festival. She knows Santa hangs out at the mall... Last year she told me she wanted to "go talk to santa" so we did, but I'm not going to tell her he's real when he's not.


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

Santa can only bring each child one gift. The elves simply don't have the time to make multiple gifts for every child in the world, especially with the growing world population. Some years Santa can't bring the expensive much desired gift but substitutes something else he thinks you would like. After all, even Santa isn't immune to the recession.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
If you know people who do not celebrate Christmas, how do you explain that?

You know, it hasn't come up yet. Those of our friends who don't celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday fall into 2 categories: those who celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday and those who celebrate Solstice. Though there aren't gifts involved with Solstice, there are parties, so I suppose it makes up some for the lack of gifting in my children's eyes. Our town in general is pretty Christian and/or neutral on the whole subject. I know even a few Muslim families here who give gifts at Christmas, I suppose just for fun.



Tigerchild said:


> I dunno, I guess I don't see answering questions as getting someone "in deeper".
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Well the thing is with the complication aspect is the same question will come up whether you believe in Santa or not - why does God let little kids get leukemia, for example. Or why do some people like to kill other people. Or why do we have a car even though we know it polutes.

So for me it's just life, and I make my decisions based on other things.

To the OP, I think I would go with "this is one way of helping Santa" (i.e. displaying generosity and unconditional love, because to me anyway, that's really what it is) and then if he seems to lead towards a discussion of Santa not being real, be tuned into that.

As just an interesting point of reference on the diversity thing, my son goes to a pretty diverse daycare/Montessori. The first year he was there it was actually the teacher at the school who introduced the Santa story to him...and she's Muslim. I still haven't figured that one out but we rolled with it.


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## ALittleBitCrunchy (Jan 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *southernmama* 
We were purchasing and wrapping gifts for our hoilday "adopted" family and I was explaining that some kids are less fortunate and there is no money for extras like gifts and 4 yr old ds says "but santa will just bring them gifts". um... i wasn't sure what to say- anyone have this conundrum come up? how did you handle it?

My approach is: I want everyone who celebrates Christmas to have presents and by buying presents for this child (or family), we know that they will have presents on Christmas morning. Some parents don't want Santa to come to their house and Santa always listens to them, so maybe Santa doesn't stop at their house. Besides, the more we can give, the less that Santa or the mom and dad have to worry about.

ETA: Our house is a Santa house. Santa gives a few gifts, we don't do stockings (that's more a side effect of diabetes than belief, however), and then we do our own gifts. He's just the exciting, can-hardly-wait-to-see-what's-there part of Christmas morning. Eventually they will ask me if he's actually real and I'll do the "what do you think?" question and see where it goes. I would never go to elaborate lengths to convince them that Santa is real but if they are jsut puzzling out logisitcs I'm happy to play the game and help them come up with a route they would follow or whatever.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ALittleBitCrunchy* 
My approach is: I want everyone who celebrates Christmas to have presents and by buying presents for this child (or family), we know that they will have presents on Christmas morning. Some parents don't want Santa to come to their house and Santa always listens to them, so maybe Santa doesn't stop at their house. Besides, the more we can give, the less that Santa or the mom and dad have to worry about.

I don't understand (truly, I'm not being snarky). You'd tell your child that though the parents don't want Santa, you're going to buy them gifts because *you* want them to have gifts?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I do think that to some degree the people who don't like the santa concept are overthinking things a bit.

Well, I _do_ like Santa, and we have fun with the Santa concept here, but we also explain that Santa is just a story once they start asking questions. I honestly don't get the "what do you think?" approach if the child is asking a direct question. But maybe that is just my personality--and my kid's personality--because when my dd asked "Who really brings the gifts?" at age 5, she clarified "and I want the _truth_" lol

Anyway, it is probably more perpective than "right and wrong", but a lot of the explanations on this thread explaining why Santa needs help seem to be overthinking the Santa story to me. It is much easier _for me_ to explain that Santa is the spirit of giving, not a real dude.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
But maybe that is just my personality--and my kid's personality--because when my dd asked "Who really brings the gifts?" at age 5, she clarified "and I want the _truth_" lol

I don't think I've seen a single person here advocate not telling one's child the truth when asked directly for the truth. I think it's a stretch to kind of accuse everyone who's done Santa of being a liar or someone who's determined to keep the thing going at all costs. I simply don't see that. I think that is where some of the overthinking goes on, people are ascribing motives and characteristics to people who choose to do Santa that really are not there for most people. And of course, that's going to make some people defensive.


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## the2amigos (Apr 27, 2005)

My DH and I weren't decided on how to handle the Santa aspect...then DS1 came home from early childhood last year tellling great stories about Santa. What were we to do? He is behind verbally and has great joy in Santa. I do not like the lying part of Santa that so many refer to on these boards. Yet Santa is a wonderful part of DS imagination. So we have taken to following his lead. We never bring up Santa, but answer DS questions'.

And I guess one thing that bothers me about *others* thinking I'm lying to my son - what about all the other imaginary things that he comes up with? He is constantly making animals and monsters out of blankets and cutting them out of paper to play with. Should I be telling him constantly that they aren't real? He literally cries every time "sleeping beauty" gets slammed in the back door. (Sleeping beauty is his friend that tags along wherever he goes - totally imaginary). So I should be having big explainations that sleeping beauty isn't real?!?

When is imagination ok?

To the OP - I'd just ask your DC questions and see what they come up with. If they still have the imagination to believe in Santa, maybe just follow their lead.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I don't think I've seen a single person here advocate not telling one's child the truth when asked directly for the truth. I think it's a stretch to kind of accuse everyone who's done Santa of being a liar or someone who's determined to keep the thing going at all costs. I simply don't see that. I think that is where some of the overthinking goes on, people are ascribing motives and characteristics to people who choose to do Santa that really are not there for most people. And of course, that's going to make some people defensive.


Yes, this is exactly what I was trying to say in my earlier post. As always, well said Tigerchild!


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the2amigos* 
And I guess one thing that bothers me about *others* thinking I'm lying to my son - what about all the other imaginary things that he comes up with? He is constantly making animals and monsters out of blankets and cutting them out of paper to play with. Should I be telling him constantly that they aren't real? He literally cries every time "sleeping beauty" gets slammed in the back door. (Sleeping beauty is his friend that tags along wherever he goes - totally imaginary). So I should be having big explainations that sleeping beauty isn't real?!?

When is imagination ok?

Imagination is always OK.

We just clarify. We use language like "you're pretending your blanket is a monster" and stuff like that. My DD has imaginary friends. We do tell her she's pretending that she has a baby lion in her pocket.

I would NEVER tell her those things were real. That seems so strange to me. I'll pretend right along with her. We spend alot of time pretending we're princesses and queens and explorers. That doesn't mean we are those things.

I don't understand why it's so hard to tell children the truth. It's not like it wrecks their fun. I can't stand it when kids want me to "be" something I'm not. Maybe I'm too literal. But it drives me crazy.

It drives my DD crazy too. We were at a friends house a couple days ago and we got the kids dressed to play outside in the snow. DD has mitts. Her friend has gloves. Her friend wanted mitts like DD. Her mother said "Ok, you have mitts on". But the kid didn't and it really bothered DD. I finally had to take DD outside and tell her that the other family was pretending that the gloves were mitts.


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## LittleBlessings (May 26, 2008)

wow that is a though question


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