# It hurts



## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I went to dinner last night and I saw somebody carrying their baby in the same carseat my MIL had bought for Mary Rose. I was surprised by how much it hurt to see a perfectly healthy little one in the same carseat I never got to use. Has anyone else been bowled over by the suprise of the emotional pain over something so insignificant? Will it ever get better?
Gossamer


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

Oh Gossamer









I m/c at 12 weeks so I havent experienced what you have gone through. But I have experienced seeing a baby or in my case having a baby 10 months after the m/c and saying to myself I am holding the wrong baby, this isnt the one I am supposed to have now. It took well over a year before I could think about the m/c or look at my dd without thinking she was the wrong baby.

My dh gave me a little trinket to put on my necklace in memory of the baby that was m/c, I still cant think or look at it with out crying. My poor dh feels awful for having given my it.

It takes time, a whole lot of time. The feelings or emotions I have found after awhile get to be a little less raw but they are still there.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

That wasn't insignifigant. I would have been affected as well.

After we lost Xiola, I didn't drive a car for three weeks. When I started driving again, I had several occasions that I nearly got in an accident because I was staring at some pregnant lady or someone with a new baby and not paying attention to the task at hand.

It's still hard when I see people that obviously don't appreciate how fortunate they are to have their children. It makes me ache that they take for granted what miracles we all are and that they are so lucky to have their babies with them. Sometimes it is hard, too, when I see a little girl with dark curls that would be about Xiola's age... it reminds me of what I lost and it still hurts.

It will get better... you won't ever forget your daughter, but in time the memory will become less painful. Now when I miss Xiola, its not the all-consuming, almost physical agony that it was those first few months... I remember that I really did wonder if a person could die of a broken heart.

Nowadays, it's more like missing a friend who lives very far away that you long for and love dearly and haven't seen in years and don't know when you will see them again. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments when all I can do is cry, but they are so much less frequent now then they were when my loss was so new.

I know I will see her again someday, on the other side. Some days that comforts me. Other days it is still so hard to not have her here in my arms... I look at my son in my arms and think to myself, "I should have two babies now, not one". I could have ten more children and I would still miss my little baby girl.

I do promise you, though... it will get easier.

Xiola's Momma


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Those are the moments that are hardest for me, not the biggies, but the little "insignificant" things that come out of no where. It does slowly get better, and they don't take your breath away nearly so often. For me, the sight of babies' bottle feeding still make my breasts literally ache, and I try very hard to avoid the baby section at the store, mainly to avoid seeing people, that as XM said, obviously don't appreciate the blessings they have.
I try to remember the philosophy I learned from a frined in AA, take it one day at a time, and if a day is too much, then 1 hour, if 1 hour, then 1 minute.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Dear Gossamer,

I never feel right promising that sad feelings and grief will get easier, I just hope that they will. So I hope that time will be kind, and leave you with the sweet memories but take away any sting.

Grief is so hard, especially when everything is so fresh. If something hurts you, it's not insignificant. It's okay to let it hurt. I believe sometimes the only way to make it back to the light sometimes is to stumble around in the darkness for a while. It's okay, you'll find your way out.

This month, it's been ten years since my first loss and I still can't hear about women due around the end of April or beginning of May without feeling some kind of sick or sad pang. And it's okay, I'm done telling myself that enough time has passed, it shouldn't hurt. It does, so I let it.

I also take it one minute at a time sometimes. And I feel proud of myself for every minute that passes and I realize, I can still breathe, and I can still smile. Step by step...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

gossamer, it's funny how things like that sneak up on us and hit us so hard.

Like the others, I remember feeling this way. I think it's only natural for these feelings to hit us.

I remember after Amanda was born still and I had just returned to work. There was a woman who was due at the same time as me. She was due any day now withe her baby and she looked so radiant! It hurt SO deeply! I remember going into the bathroom to cry. When the baby was born and they announced it on he PA I left and went home. I couldn't bear it.

In December it will have been 10 years since I lost Amanda, the pain has dulled so much, but not my love for her. There will be many times when these feelings come up and you may not always know when. It's ok, you've lost something so significant, so special and so deeply wanted. It's only natural that you would feel sad, angry and cheated out of the chance to use the carseat.

This a poem that has always touched me.

*BABIES*
Babies, babies, everywhere,
They're all around it seems.
No matter whwere it is I go,
They're haunting all my dreams.
I see them in their mother's arms
All I can do is stare.
It hurts sometimes to look at them
It dosn't seem quite fair.
I went through what thir mothers did,
My belly also grew.
So why, then do they have their kids
And I am without you?

_In Memory of Laura
by her mother Julie Carleton
_


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Gossomar ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your Mary Rose... I can't remember if I posted or not when you were sharing her story, but it touched me deeply. She is beautiful.

To answer your question...Yes I have had twinges of grief looking a people, places or things that remind me of Adia. I absolutely lost it when we returned her carseat to the store....The woman asked what was the matter with it and I shouted at her the baby's dead...that's what's the matter. A whole bunch of uncomfortable silence after that








:

At first new babies would cause me to stare and get sad...now I am looking at older babies wondering if they are Adia's age or not. I don't cry automatically anymore, I just have twinges of jealousy. I wish you peace as you continue on this journey of grief.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

When I was pregnant with my Chloe in 1998, we were pregnant at the same time as a coworkers wife, they were a month ahead of us. We would track each other on how we were doing and stuff just loved having a pregnancy "buddy".

We took a week vacation in my 3rd triamester and when we can home, I saw on the caller ID: hospital, hospital, hopital, then our friends home about 3 more times and then it dawned on me that they had had their baby. It was 3 weeks early so it was unexpected. It took me a few minutes, but I listened to the message and after I heard they had had their baby boy and were home now I ran into our bedroom and cried for what seemed like forever.

Another instance was about 7 months after Chloe died my SIL had a baby, a girl, (fyi, the genes in my hubbies family are quite strong and this is his brothers wife. Brother and my hubby look LOTS alike. Our Chloe looked exactly like my hubby!) and when I went to the hospital to see her for the first time I was so excited, but knew it might be a little hard. As soon as I took my niece into my arms, I started crying and my SIL asked if I was okay, and I told her "I'm just soooo happy for you!" And I was, just also a little taken aback at how much she looked like Chloe! My SIL agreed they looked alike and we all hugged.

There will always be things that are hard. We have a shrine in our bedroom of Chloe and just two days ago I dusted it and looking at her urn and pictures brought me back to the first moment I saw her urn on the day of her memorial, it finalized it in my mind that she was gone from my arms. I got sad all over again.

Time does help, but I know this is such a hard time now. I remember it so well.

Take good care Gossamer.....


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## kimmy2096 (Oct 1, 2003)

I just lost one of my twin baby boys On August 18 2003. It is so hard to understand why we are only get them for a very short time. My son James was perfect in evey way and my life was too perfect and In one day it whent from perfect to hell in such a short time I do not know how to get one with my life I hope that this site will help me .I am overwhelmed by how many babies die and why they do not have any answers for us parents on why it happens..














:


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## kimmy2096 (Oct 1, 2003)

I am new here I post the in the wrong place.

gossamer I am so sorry for your lost it is so weird how just the small things get us crying. I had the same thing happen to me out shopping I saw the same carseat that i had for james with a healthy baby boy and I just lost it and I just wonder why it had to happen . And no one can answer that question. I know that you are having a very hard time as well as I am. I wish Icould give you a big hug.


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## 2devils_1angel (Oct 14, 2003)

it has been 2 years since our Dylan passed and it does get a bit easier. I know its hrad to believe that right now, but it does. I read this post this morning and cried so hard...I just sat here shaking my head..you describe alot of feelings i have as well. nothing is insignificant when it come to a lost child, be the loss at 8 weeks or 80 years it still hurts. ?I can tell your angel is smiling down from heaven knowing she IS loved


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## BigBelly03 (Dec 3, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by gossamer_
*Has anyone else been bowled over by the surprise of the emotional pain over something so insignificant? Will it ever get better?
Gossamer*
It is not insignifigant. I never know when something is going to tear me up over the babies I lost. For example I know this lovely mama from my church. We have even taught Sunday school together and she has worn her new baby in a sling while we did this. Ironically this hasn't bothered me, nor the fact that she has another little boy the same age as my twins Christopher & Holly would be. But one Sunday not too long ago I was watching her during the church service and she was going up to receive communion with the baby in the sling and when the priest blessed her little boy--I completely lost it. I was so distraught I left immediately because I couldn't compose myself. My dh didn't know what was wrong, and I was further upset because he didn't "get it" right away.
Does it get better?
I never know when something is going to rip me to pieces. I am losing another pregnancy now but the weird thing is I have been more emotional over the four babies I lost in 99, 01 & 02. I keep thinking about how old they would be right now, what they might be doing. The twins would be four around Christmas, Cole would be turning two in mid-January and Angelique would be 3 1/2 months. I keep thinking how my dad
(he passed away in July--
but after my due date)
would have adored these babies and he would have got to see Angelique before he died too.








Is this crazy? Furthermore I know my dad went to another realm (heaven?) because I watched him during his last few hours and he was going back and forth between our world and another one
and yet my "faith" won't stretch enough to really be comforted that he might be with my babies, his little grandchildren right now. Isn't this something that should give me comfort now?


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## BigBelly03 (Dec 3, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by kimmy2096_
*I just lost one of my twin baby boys On August 18 2003. It is so hard to understand why we are only get them for a very short time. My son James was perfect in evey way and my life was too perfect and In one day it whent from perfect to hell in such a short time I do not know how to get one with my life I hope that this site will help me .I am overwhelmed by how many babies die and why they do not have any answers for us parents on why it happens..














:







*
Oh Kimmy I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.
I go over this and over this, why do so many babies die?
How can a pregnancy that is going along perfectly end suddenly?
How can a baby grow for nine months perfectly and then be still at birth? And how can there be such a horrible thing as sids? I wish you much peace and healing.


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