# Never thought it would happen to me



## Waterdrinker (Dec 13, 2002)

I never thought my first post after reading the boards for a year would be in this forum. But here I am shocked, confused, and very sad.

Tuesday on my first real prenatal appointment with the midwife who delivered by beautiful dd, no heartbeat was found. At 11.6 weeks, the midwife immediately recommended an ultrasound. After a regular one and an internal, we were told that there was no baby. Just a placental sack.

Of course there was a baby -- in my heart and my dh's heart, and even our 16 mo dd would pat my belly. We even decided that on even days the baby was a boy, and on odd days, a girl - to avoid calling the baby "it." So my daughter died on Tuesday, the 17th.

Perhaps because of the examination or divine timing, nature took its course early Wednesday morning. We ended up in the ER and my scheduled D&E was moved up several hours. It's hard to get the images of what was happening to my body out of my mind.

Our hospital offers SHARE burial, so our angel will be buried with other angels in January. But now I'm left trying to figure out what lesson I'm supposed to learn.

-Am I supposed to be humbled? I guess I was too proud of the perfect first pregnancy and natural birth.
-As awful as it sounds, I never thought I'd be "one of those women" who had a miscarriage. Didn't I do everything right? Now I know how they feel. Tough lesson.
-Should I name our angel Lilianna just as if she were born and not use the name for the second baby?
-How do I tell people who knew I was pregnany? My dh was so excited that I believe he told everyone. I can hear people's thoughts now -- "that's why you aren't supposed to tell anyone until after the 3rd month."
-How to I celebrate the life I thought was growing inside me? Is this death the same as my mother's earlier this year?

But through it all I know I must remember that the joy of hearing my dd's laugh, running footsteps to give me a hug, wet kisses and the strength and love of my dh will make each day easier.

When does it get easier?

Thanks for listening.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I don't think that anyone thinks it will happen to them. My dad still doesn't understand how I could have m/c because my mom never had one









You didn't do anything to cause it anymore than you could have stopped it from happening.

I'm not sure I have any advice or answers....just support


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## susan61 (Sep 14, 2002)

so sorry for your loss, waterdrinker. Hopefully you'll find lots of support here. Just let whatever comes up to flow through you, allow it all to happen, feel it all. You'll be okay. Yes, it is shocking, confusing and very sad. You will be okay and you won't forget this baby, and only you will know how best to honour her being, short as it was on Earth.

Peace to you and your family,


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## Envision (Dec 6, 2002)

Hi there,

I would like to share my story and experience with you in hopes of helping you to answer some of your own questions.

Unfortunately grieving is a personal thing, so know that your feelings, whatever they are, are perfectly normal and you should feel them 100% for as long as you need to feel them.

We lost our first daughter, Emma when she was born in 2000 with a heart defect and surgery was not successful. Wow, that was a shock...let me tell you "I never thought this would happen to me" was one of the only thoughts I had for the first few days...
After her death, I just wanted her life to count for something and for her to continue being a part of our lives. I have found ways of doing that by speaking of her life even if it was only 15 days.
The length of her life had and has no bearing on the impact her life had on ours, such as it will be when I lose my mom or my dad.

This past summer we also had a m/c. I just could not believe it...how did this happen?? I was more healthy then I had ever been and was so happy about this unplanned pregnancy...and I had had two other pregnancies, no prob...how does this happen??
Much of my emotions that I experienced with Emma's loss I also felt for Essence.
We did decide to name our baby because we believe in life at conception. So that was a good way for me to acknowledge that.
I also wrote a good bye note to Essence...that helped me to verbalize my saddness about all the losses I was experiencing (again). I also felt that I was able to communicate with her, as I didn't have any baby or anything to say good bye to...
I allowed my feelings to be as intense as they needed to be. I felt "weird" because my emotions were so similar to our loss with Emma...and we had never met this baby...
I think because I just allowed myself to feel the pain and accept it, I was able to move on emotionally sooner.

My life has been filled with gifts from both my girls and as sad as their losses are, my life has become so full because of them.
I have met wonderful moms that also have angels and we have become great friends...
I appreciate so many little things that my ds does, that I might not have noticed if I had not experienced that...I might have been more prone to taking him for granted. (Somedays I still do















I am thankful that I got to experience how truly stong I am, I am my own hero!! That has been one of the greatest gifts...to become more as a person because you have lost a part of yourself...is amazing and empowering.

I also wanted to share one feeling I had soon after Essence passed away...
I had heard that sometimes people have miscarriages because the baby has a problem of some kind, so the body will reject it.
Obviously we will never know if that was the case, but I was overwhelmingly happy that if there was a problem that I was spared the stress and anxiety of having another child in the hospital.
I love Emma and would do it all over again, but I wouldn't want to if I didn't have to...being spared that possibility was a gift for me.
I suppose I want to share that you may have thoughts and feelings that you think "are wrong" as a mother or that make you feel like an uncaring person...that is so not the case, at least in my opinion.

Be gentle with yourself, don't worry about other people and their insensitive comments...they just don't know what to say, so they say the wrong thing.

You have a special baby and that is going to be (if you want it to be) a special part of your family forever.

Ramblings & Hugs,
Oils


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

None of us (at least me) never thought we'd be here, miscarriages happen to "other" people. Well as we all now know, we are somebodyelse's "other".
It's been a week and a day since we lost our baby. I like to think of her as a girl. It has gotten easier, it's not great, but I'm not breaking down hourly. I haven't even hit the guilt stage I'm still in shock and disbelief.
I have a 20 month old already having a child doesn't lessen the pain. You lost this child and are grieving for her.
Take care.


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## Brandonsmama (Dec 25, 2001)

Yes, my dear, it will, it does, get easier. But all of us who have walked thru this must follow our own path thru the grief. If it feels right to name your baby, then do so. You had already begun to celebrate her life, so of course YOU know that there was a baby, inside your heart, right from the beginning, as soon as you knew you were pregnant.
You will wade thru the feelings of "what did I do" as all of have. The reality is, you did nothing, this is no ones fault. . .it just is.
I know you will find lots of support here. It will help, so will time, and the love and support of you dear family and friends. Be gentle with yourself and not too judgemental. What feels right usually is right. . for you. I will send you healing energy. Sandi


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

I am so sorry about your loss....I too lost my baby 'Madilyn' at 10 weeks on July 11th 2002. I had seen the heartbeat just 2 weeks earlier....

I too had come to the board - here and other places - prior to my mc and thought 'how sad, how awful' but never that 'it' would happen to me. And when it did I was almost 'ashamed' because I didn't want to be one of 'those women' I couldn't even say the work mc.....

We (mostly I) named our baby Madilyn, I really had a strong feeling that it was a baby girl. It has helped me to keep in touch with her and her spirit...

Time does heal - and we were miraciously blessed with another pgcy just 3 weeks after her passing (and before my cycles even resumed) and we now have a beautiful baby girl - Ainsley - who has the best guardian angle looking after her.....

(((((hugs))))


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

A warm and gentle welcome to you. I'm sorry your miscarriage is what brought you to post.

I'm so sorry about your baby. It's never easy to lose a child. It sounds like you're in a state of feeling 'it's not real, this couldn't really be happening'. That's a state of shock and numbness that's normal for greiving.

Your emotions will be a rollercoaster ride over the next few weeks. Please feel free to lean on us whenever you need to.

Gently,

Jacque


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## Waterdrinker (Dec 13, 2002)

All of your replies have been wonderful. It is quite a rollercoaster ride. I'm ashamed to admit that I threw a couple of things today, kicked the baby gate and the humidifier. I must have thought that the sound of breaking glass would be comforting. But the box and papers I threw (no glass) did little to soothe the grieving beast. The sharp realization that I had done that in front of my daughter slapped me out of my temporary insanity. What kind of mother does that in front of her baby? God has a way of quickly reminding me what is important.

I was able to talk with an old high school friend with whom I have just re-established a relationship about my miscarriage. She has had two, so she knew how I feel. It was very comforting.

Went to the salon today and didn't know how to respond to the "how are you feeling" questions. Nobody knows. How do you work "oh, the baby died the week before Christmas" into the conversation?

I feel like I need to get some sort of a momento to honor my angel. Perhaps one of those "babies" jewlery with a December birthstone so I can wear her around my neck and near my heart. That way I can privately carry her with me.

On an angry note, I think I'm going to call the office manager at the doctor's office. The sonographer let me know that she squeezed me in as a favor to the midwife. Then after she couldn't find anything on the normal ultrasound, she said that she wanted to do an internal study. "But wait, what insurance does she have? Does she need a referral? We'd better check." I'm NOT kidding! I'm about to get the worst news of my life and the insensative woman was worried about a f*&# referral!! Yes, she did check, and yes I was covered. I think she needs some sensativity training. Remember the Discover Card commercial where the ER patient swipes his card before being treated? At least the midwife called to check on me.

God bless all our baby angels!


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think a Mother's pendant would be beautiful. A lot of mom's who experience losses do things like that, it's always the little things that allow us to have them close to us that really help...


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

I am sorry for your loss, waterdrinker.









We had a m/c at 10 wks in March 2002. Of course, there is nothing that anyone can do to cause or prevent a m/c. I honestly feel as though our baby came and was with us for such a short time to teach us. I didn't know that I could love someone that much. There were some medical issues that would have prevented me from ever carrying a baby to term, that we only found out after he was here with us. I truly believe his brief life had a purpose, they all do. It took awhile to reach this point, for me. For the first 6 weeks afterwards, I felt like a walking open wound: anything anyone said to me just hurt so much. But it does get better. And you never forget. I used to feel the same way you do about having told people so early, but you know what? I stopped caring if it made them uncomfortable; we were pregnant, he was here, and then he left us. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of...the universe is not trying to humble you, I swear.
Now I am 6 1/2 weeks pregnant, and I'm nervous, but feel so lucky to have had Jacob here with us, and now our new little life, whatever her purpose is.
If you don't mind, I'd like to recommend a book that helped me alot: Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen and Shelly Marks.
Take care of yourself.


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

I just wanted to offer some love and hugs. I just lost my baby 10 days ago. She was only 9 weeks old. I was angry...I eat organic (mostly). take care of myself, get energy work, etc. How could this happen to me!??? This baby was so loved and wanted already. I'll never know for sure. Please take care of yourself. Abylite


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## Debbie (Feb 10, 2002)

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, so bear with me if I make a few mistakes. I can't believe how similiar our stories are. I went for a routine OB visit on 12/17/02. My doctor did an ultrasound on the baby and found no heartbeat. The baby's measurements were true to size so the baby died either that day or the day before. She measured 11 weeks 5 days. It was a nightmare...again, something that happened to other people, not me. I've had three very healthy pregnancies, so this was truly a shock. I also figured that since I'd already seen the baby's heartbeat two times that all was well. How wrong I was. I had to return to his office on 12/19 to have Lemnonella sticks inserted into my cervix to soften it and I then had a D&E on 12/20. In just one short day I went from almost 12wks pregnant...to nothing. I'm still waiting for the chromosomal analysis that was conducted on the tissue and the placenta to come back from the lab. I'm absolutely devastated. I keep wondering WHY??? Why did this happen to a baby that seemed to be doing so well?? And, I might never get an answer because, according to the lab...the cells are growing very, very slowly....maybe not at all...therefore no data to interpret. I'm going to be 38 and I'd love to try again...but, I'm just so scared. Did this happen because of my age? Will it happen again? I have my bad days...and my not so bad days. LIke I said I just want some answers.

I truly feel your pain. I feel like we've lived the past three weeks the same exact way.

Take care and be good to yourself...you deserve it.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Debbie, please feel welcome here. I am so sorry for all your losses, it seems like there were several m/c's over the holidays.

I just wanted to say that sometimes things happen to pregnancies for no reason... don't blame yourself. And it is completely normal for you to be worried about trying again. Give yourself time and the answers you need will come to you.

Wishing peace to you all,

XM


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Debbie - a warm and gentle welcome to Mothering. I'm so sorry your loss brought you here. However, I'm glad you're reaching out.

I do want to caution you that in most cases the tests on a miscarried baby come back with nothing. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Not knowing for sure what happened or how to prevent it in the future. My heart goes out to you.

How are your other children doing? It's so hard to greive and care for your children. Just remember it's healthy for them to see you cry and know that greif is a normal part of life. They may feel frightened, but they'll also see you heal.

Do you know the sex of the baby? Many mothers find peace in nameing thier babies, even if they don't know the sex. Another thing that you may find helpfull is to right a letter to your baby saying goodbye and telling him/her how much you love them and wanted them. It puts some closure on it and gives way for you move through this pain.

As XM said, miscarriage is very common - it's unfortunate, it's painfull and it's unfair. However, you couldn't have prevented it. Having 3 healthy children, you know how to care for yourself during pregnancy and you're body created and nurtured this baby as best it could.

Loosing a child is never easy - however, during the holiday season it adds even more stress. I hope the season was gentle to you.

Please remember to care for yourself now. Drink plenty of water and herbal teas to keep hydrated. Eat lot's of small but healthy meals thoughout the day - add some iron rich foods such as leafy greens, beats and red meats. This will help your body replenish it's red blood cells lost.

You're in my thoughts.

Gently,

Jacque


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## Debbie (Feb 10, 2002)

Thank you so much for asking about my children. I have three (7), (4) and (2). My 7yr old was pretty upset about the loss of the baby...he even cried a little, which surprised me. My 2yr old will ask....are you sad mommy?

But, things are getting a little easier with each passing day. I've finally stopped bleeding. That was hard because it was a constant reminder of what had happened. My temps have also dropped back to "normal" pre O temps. I'd like to give it a few months to see how I feel about trying again....but, the age issue keeps rearing its ugly head. Did this happen because of my age...will it happen again....especially if I wait.

I'm just so confused right now and I feel pressured to make a decision because I'm 38.

How are you holding up Waterdrinker??

Hugs,

Deb


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Debbi, I have an 8 yo they can be so sensative at that age. Not old enought to fully understand the randomness of life. But, not a confussed child either? I could imagine my 8 yo reacting similar to yours.

There are some really good books offered by Careing Concepts/Barevement Magazine. I'll try to find a web address. One of the books uses a flower that never blooms as an example and it's a grandmother explaining it to a child - EXCELLENT book. I'll have to dig up the title. This may be helpfull for your older children.

The 2 year old is right on pace too - caring for you and not understanding the sadness. My heart goes out to you and your family.

There are a few older threads here where women like you are contemplating trying again. It's really an individual thing and you have to do what feels right for you. If you get a moment to read through some of the threads in this forum. The support and information is amazing.

You're questions to yourself are so normal. Part of greiving is questioning. We always want to know why and it's hard to cope when there is not answer.

Thinking of you gently,

Jacque


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## Stasha (Dec 8, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new here, and I've recently miscarried, too, at 8 weeks. Looks like earlier, the doc says, but 8 weeks was when I found out. Anyway, I feel badly for you and for everyone who's ever lost a baby. I never thought it'd happen to me, either.


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