# Anyone torn on having a third?



## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

I have two children now and I have been having a mental debate with myself about whether I want a third for the past year - its beginning to drive me nuts. I kinda want to make a decision so I can plan one way or the other (store the baby stuff or sell it, buy a house with the right number of bedrooms, etc)

It really doesn't help that one half of the family is assuming we'll stop at 2 (DH's family) and planning for it already - they wanted all go to Hawaii this year but decided to postpone a couple years when the kids will be old enough - which assumes we won't have anymore. But my family - mainly my mother - keeps talking about 'the next one' as if its a given. 

I went through my last pregnancy thinking that I should be thinking about it now while I'm experiencing what MIGHT be my last pregnancy. I honestly think about it every day. There are a lot of reasons two feels right. I really feel like I would be a much better parent to only two - I have a temper yelling tendencies I work hard to overcome, but I revert to when overly stressed. DH really would prefer to have only two, but I think if I pushed for three he'd go along with me - but who knows what kind of strain that might put on our marriage. We would be in a better position financially to take care of our kids and enjoy ourselves if we only had two. After two pregnancies which resulted in c/sections despite my huge efforts to have natural births both times, I have lost faith in my body and am worried that maybe I can't handle a third pregnancy not to mention not really wanting to be cut open a third time.

On the other hand I know I would never regret a third - I mean, I know I couldn't look at a cute little baby and wish I didn't have them - but I might regret not having another.

Okay, now I have a confession to make - the biggest reason I haven't just settled on two is because I'm afraid that something might happen to one or both of my kids. I know its overly morbid to be thinking about, but if something happened to them, I would be utterly devastated (as would any mother) but I feel like it would be ten times worse to then be left with only one living child (or none)? Am I just mental to even be thinking about this? I had to get this out there and off my chest. Tell me I'm loony please.


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

I am thinking about this now, also. This is long and rambling, but it is nice to write it out for some personal clarity.

My kids are about the same age as yours, and I am not sure what we are going to plan on doing. I've always thought I'd have 3-4 children, and DH felt 2-3 was right for him. So we've settled on 3 as the number of discussion. He has said in the past that he is open the the 4th if that is what I want, but that's a whole other story.

I never expected to feel like 2 could be it for me, but with a demanding toddler and a baby, I sometimes find myself seeing how i could feel complete and fulfilled with two. However, as soon as that thought settles, I think, "but what about the person who was to be the third? I miss him/her already!" I imagine that I will regret not having the third child once we are past these intense early years. I am a believer (for me) that I won't ever regret the child that we *did* have, just the one that is not there.

But on the other hand, I can see areas in which I may be happier (read: life easier!) with two. I just now feel happy with my body again, and am getting active and fit again. I am thinking about homeschooling, and doing that with two seems much more manageable than with three. And, I feel that we have just made it over the "hump" with the baby--he is easier and I can see his personality emerging, and it is easy to see many easier days ahead. And, my two children seem to have a knack for coordinating their sleeping to give me the least amount of sleep possible, I can't imagine it with three! Other things that junp to mind in the pros of having only two are---house size, car size, travel expenses and logistics of making it with the kids on my own on travels (we do not live near any family). My DD (2.5+) is extremely unpleasant half of the time lately, and that really can take the wind out of my sails.

My husband is also feeling overwhelmed right now. His job is really stressing him out, and we are in a huge state of flux (he's a medical resident and we're moving in the summer for a 1-yr fellowship, in the middle of looking for a permanent job which will require another move, he has lots of writing and publications in the works, etc...). I am not sure exactly why he thinks the number of kids is going to make a huge difference in his stress level since he is gone a lot and I do about 95% of the kid work, but he does. (they also go to bed early, so he has some total down time in the evenings if he is not working)

But, I can't shake the idea that there is someone who is not here. During my last pregnancy, I never thought even once that it may have been the last one. I can't imagine living in the family dymanic of just two kids (I come from a family of four children, and LOVE the bigger family feel). I also know that although the probability is very, very low, there is a chance of something happening to one of the kids and I don't want him/her to be left alone. I feel like being an only child because of a tragedy would be more difficult than being an only by family choice. I think this is a normal thought, OP. Don't feel morbid. Honestly, bad things do sometimes happen. It is not likely, but there are never any guarantees.

So, in the end, I imagine we will have another. There may be a little more of an age gap than with my first two, but I don't want to wait too long. I would like to have the baby years close together and move on. Especially if we do homeschool with three--I would like their interests and abilities to overlap as much as possible. But when/if we do get pregnant again, I am certainly going into it with the thought that it will be the last one. We can always change our minds later.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

I could have written the OP. Except for the C-sections, our situations are exactly the same. Dd1 just turned 3, dd2 is 9 months. Dh would like to be done at two, I am waffling on having one more. I feel we are supposed to have one more, for whatever reason. Dh would be okay with one more if I pushed for it, but I know he would be very happy NOT having one more.

I also wonder about the strain on the marriage -- we haven't gone out by ourselves in a loooooong time. What happens if our third child is as high-needs as our first? If he/she's mellow (like dd2), then three would probably be no problem at all. But if he/she is high needs, then maybe my stress level would go over the edge.

I also think about having three just in case something bad happens to one of my existing kids. I think that's normal, so don't feel strange about it.

I also worry about my health, though. I am prone to blood clots, so pregnancy is risky -- what if I die while pregnant with number 3 and leave my two girls without a mama?

If we are going to have a third, it should be sooner rather than later. I'm 35 and want to be finished having kids before I'm 37 -- and I want to homeschool -- so having them all together makes sense for the same reasons the OP lsited. But at the same time, I don't want to short-change the middle child when it comes to attention.

I'm rambling now, sorry.







Just know you're not alone with your musings.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

i am feeling the same. I have a 4yr old dd and a 15 month dd and couldn't imagine my life as anything different, except when I think this may be "it" for us. i love the relationship the girls have and wonder if I will upset that, and I worry about all the stress of another baby will be in my body. I had some complications post birth with both girls and i just don't know if I want anymore possible problems.
I love where we are in life except when I begin to think of never feeling a baby move inside me or the power of giving birth. I would love to have the chance to breastfeed another baby for longer and stay home with if we have another baby. for now, we are waiting until dd is older and we can afford for me to stay home. right now, i need to work to pay for school loans, so in a couple of years i will have a tiny loan left and bills are on their way to being payed off (at this rate it will spring) and debt free.







so we keep talking and see....


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I have a 2.5 year old and a six month old and have been having these thoughts too. I never dreamed I'd be considering three. I thought two was perfect. And it's true, that we probably can't afford it, and I'd probably have a nervous breakdown. I think focusing on two would make my life simpler and happier, and I'd hate to take away that much more attention and resources from my first two. BUT where does this drive come from?? I never wanted three. I still have an itty bitty baby to concern myself with. Sometimes I think it's hard for me to accept that the whole pregnancy/birth/young baby stage will be over. Not that I want to be perpetually pregnant and nursing, but it's gone so fast. It's gone really well, and it's a little sad to think that I"ll never be pregnant again, or give birth again, or have a newborn.
Regardless of what decision you come to or what is right for you, I think it's a good thing that you're thinking about it. A lot.
And I've had morbid worries too, although that was sort of one of my reasons to go for a second.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I've always wanted three kids. To me, three kids makes a family in my mind, which is nuts because I totally feel "like a family" with just my DS. Sometimes I even wonder if I'll have two. However, some part of me knows that if I have two kids, I will definitely have three. Maybe I'm just nuts







. I come from a big family and love it, so that's a big part of the equation for me. I love having a brother and sisters. Not just a brother or sister. I guess we'll see after I have the second.

Oh and on the morbid thing... I think that has to be normal, because I obsess over it, too.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

It makes no sense for my family to have a third. My pregnancies are debilitating to the point where I'm pretty much bedridden for eight months, neither of my kids sleep at all, we do not have the space or the money or the energy for the kids we have already, and I don't even especially LIKE babies! But the thought of not having another is still really really hard. I can't explain it at all. My husband thinks I'm insane (and we won't be having another if he can help it!) But when my daughter started walking, and I realized I'd never have a crawly little baby again- wow.


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## FitMama (Jul 20, 2003)

I'm torn because pregnancy is just so hard, even though I really love all the other stuff: labor & delivery, breastfeeding, diapering etc. I'm 33 and recovery is a nightmare. I'm still having really bad back pain and DS is 3 months old. I am not losing the weight as quickly this time, and I had some pre-existing back problems anyway, so I'm a mess now.

I really really want a third, but it is very difficult to care for the two I have with such back pain. And I am concerned about the risks for moms and babies over 35. I know it would be wise for my whole family to stay at just 2 kids. But in my heart I'll always want a family of 3.


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## EmmaJean (Sep 26, 2002)

Glad I'm normal!!! I'm feeling all these same things. After Lily was born, my mantra was, "I'm never doing this again!" Somehow that helped me cope. And she was a super easy baby!!! Only very recently have I been able to look at a baby and not feel actual anxiety. So now that the anxiety and worries are fading, Lily's more of a girl and less of a baby, life is definitely easier, I'm seeing how 3 could be a possibility. I always wanted "more than 2", and then the past 2 years felt like I needed to settle on 2 for sanity's sake. Anyway, I think DH is opening up to #3, although he wants all this baby stuff behind us already! Bed to ourselves, dates, etc. You know, the selfish adult stuff I try to ignore that I want too!!









The real wrench in the works is that now we live in a NON mw-friendly state, and birth will be jumping through a million hoops. Plus, I've had 2 easy, awesome pregnancies and births, so I hate to test my luck. AND if we have another boy, DH and I will have a heck of a time settling our circ debate!! AND DH will probably get deployed next year sometime and then we'd move again shortly after--total stress!!!!

So after spending most of Dec talking myself into having another, the past week or so I've been trying to talk myself OUT of it! Granted, we just moved last week and things are nuts.

Oh, the last thing, is that I LOVE my Lily and don't want her to turn in to the classic "middle child"!!! Is that weird?? My sister had major issues w/ being in the middle, and so have many kids/friends I know. Anyway, that's another thing to worry about.

I need to be praying about this more!! I'm just glad that I'm somewhat normal in all of this.


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

I could have written the OP, all except for the morbid thoughts, though I do worry all the time that something will happen to one of my children. My kids are not 5.5 and 7.5 so they are the same age difference as yours, we are just past the whole baby stage. I HAVE given away most of our baby things, my thought is after 6 years I a) won't even use some of the things we had because I didn't really use them the first time and b) I deserve some new things









I go back and forth almost daily. I really do feel as if there is another boy out there for us. When I was just married and then pregnant I did the needle string thing and was told that I would have 3 boys every time, dh was told this too. Plus I dream of three boys all the time. Dh was very firm that he only wanted 2, but I convinced him that I would be very sad the rest of my life if we didn't at least try. We have "sort" of been TTC the past year, but I have been very lax with temping and things like that and sometimes your just not in the mood when your ovulating, kwim? I did talk to dh and since I am fast approaching 40 and he is approaching 45 we need to do this now. So this month we are TTC like we did for the first. I have my doubts that I will get pg anyway, as it was a long 4 years before we concieved #1, but I am praying for a miracle like the first time. I feel that whatever is meant to be will happen.

Now all that said, things get nutty when the kids get bigger. No we don't have any infant/toddler issues. But we do have two very involved boys (they do alot of activities) and they make a great team. When we go places they have a partner and so do dh and I. With a third I am worried that someone might feel left out, I am secretly hoping if I do get pg again it is with twins ( they thought after all my fertility testing that I was sure to have twins both times due to ovulating two eggs with almost every cycle) and that the new babies will also have a partner if you will. I think my boys would be awesome with a new baby and that is another reason I really want another, they pray every night, wish on stars, coins in a well.......to have a new baby. I would love to give them that and I know they would not leave the baby out on purpose but I still worry. We also run to hockey, karate, scouts, CCD, that I feel a baby would just be getting drag all over town. Ony good thing is that both boys would be in school full time next year so I would have all day with a new one to take for walks and do all the things I did with my first.

Ok sorry this was so rambling. You are not alone


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

I wouldn't say that I am torn over the idea of a third child.... but it does cross my mind. regularly.

I can think of many reasons why having another child would be a really bad idea, even if I could get my dh to agree.

- dh is definitely done at two children

- kids are 7 & 5, we are years beyond the baby stage

- I am a few days off 35

- we have a three bedroom house & the kids have totally staked their claim to space

- i love my sleep, & i do not give birth to good sleepers

- i have difficulties with breast milk supply, & it's likely that I would have low-supply again

.........................

On the other hand, my main reasons for limiting the number of children in our family have not stood the test of time. It seems that very few from our wide hippie-greenie circle of friends (& it crosses continents) are actually reproducing. Honestly, I reckon I could have 10 children, & not even come close to reproducing the numbers of people I know who have chosen not to have children at all. And I figure that at least _some_ of the left-wing types have got to make the sacrifice & rear the next generation of our kind. I mean, it's not all about banner making, right??? You want the coal-face of left-wing thought? Baby, I got it for you. It's right next to the bucket of sh!tty cloth nappies!









..............................

also, I don't think it's morbid to think of the 'what if' when it comes to our children's survival. imo, it's a natural biological instinct.

.........................

I dunno. I highly doubt that I will have a third child, if only because my dh is totally opposed to it. And I suppose if the idea was truly cemented in my heart, I wouldn't stop until I had that third baby...... Or more.


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## IamCoupongirl (Jan 3, 2003)

Sigh. I think about this all the time. I would looooove another child, and I could probably talk my hubby into it quite easily. BUT, I think I'll be a better mama (and partner) with just my two girls. For now, we're leaving the possibility open, but of course I feel the pull of time and wanting the kids to be close enough in age to one another. So, to the op, you're not crazy. I'm right there with ya.


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