# DD's saw something they should not have



## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

My daughters (ages 7 and 5) were using DH's computer today (without permission), and chose a porn site from the drop down menu. It was a page that had many thumbnails of porn clips. Thankfully they did not click on any of them.

Until now, my oldest DD thought that sex was something people did to make babies (and only for that reason). I explained to them that this was something grown ups did when they were in a happy, loving relationship and that it is okay for adults to do these things. I tried to make it seem like a normal activity that adults do but I can only imagine what they saw









They seem fine with my explanation, they had no questions and promised not to use DH's computer anymore.

Has anyone else been in this situation? There are no parenting how-to books for this type of thing. I never thought I would be having this talk with them at such an early age. I feel sick knowing my DD's saw that stuff.


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## alicewyf (Apr 24, 2008)

If you have that sort of stuff in your house (not locked or passworded away), your kids will find it, I guarantee it. Kids are nosy. Something similar happened to me when I was about 7, and my dad tried to give me an explanation. I remember thinking it was BS even then.

I would recommend passwording the computer from now on, and hiding anything else you might have WELL. I can tell you right now that my father did not bother to hide that stuff well and I suffered from it as a kid and as an adult.

If you think there was anything exceptionally weird (whatever you think that might be) that your daughters saw I would apologize to them for it. Some of that stuff can be very scary for children.


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Hey - I'm not a parent. But, when I was 6, I found a Penthouse magazine in the woods. At age 6, I was a fairly good reader. I not only looked through it, but I read all the stories.

And then I started asking my mom what some of the words meant.

I just wanted to reassure you that this did not scar me. I'm perfectly normal ... or so I think.









Kids are somewhat protected by their limited experience. So, what seems like hardcore porn to us, and awful to look at - it's a totally different experience for a child to see it. They compute these things much differently.

I remember reading those stories, and I computed them in a very innocent, child-like way. It wasn't until I was in my teens that I put it all together, and was like "ooooh, so that's what Penthouse is."

It's hard for kids not to be exposed to sex at an early age nowadays. Between the computer, television, media, and even just going out in public - sexuality and sexualization and objectification is all around us.

Sounds to me like you handled it well.

I suggest password protecting that computer, though, for future reference.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Don't make a big deal about it. At their age... it went over their heads.

Add a guest setting to your computer for the kids and put a password on dh's setting. No biggie.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

I think it's probably a bad idea to make it about the fact that they didn't have permission to be on the computer, make them "promise" not to do it again, etc. That seems to be framing the situation as they did something wrong and the onus of the situation is on them. Definitely not the message you want to send. Plus, the forbidden fruit problem. That stuff shouldn't be where they can find it, whether they're doing what they're supposed to or not. They probably didn't see enough porn to make a lasting impression, but you definitely don't want them drawing a connection between sex and disobedience/being in trouble.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I think it's probably a bad idea to make it about the fact that they didn't have permission to be on the computer, make them "promise" not to do it again, etc. That seems to be framing the situation as they did something wrong and the onus of the situation is on them. Definitely not the message you want to send. Plus, the forbidden fruit problem. That stuff shouldn't be where they can find it, whether they're doing what they're supposed to or not. They probably didn't see enough porn to make a lasting impression, but you definitely don't want them drawing a connection between sex and disobedience/being in trouble.

They have always known that they are NOT allowed to use his computer (due to his work). They _did_ do something wrong. I didn't make them promise, that's just how they are. We don't punish here (or discipline at all really), so all I did was ask them to please not use his computer again and reminded them that he has important work stuff on there. They said "Ok, I promise I won't do it again" and that was the end of that. I did not punish them, talk harshly, or shame them for this.

The computer is usually locked, they happened to go into our bedroom while DH was taking a bathroom break. They seem to be totally over it, actually I don't think they thought much of it in the first place.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

My husband was exposed to porn at a young age and it had a lasting negative effect on him through adolescense. I'd be horrified if my young kids were exposed to something like that. How sad.


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## Mama.Pajama (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
The computer is usually locked, they happened to go into our bedroom while DH was taking a bathroom break. They seem to be totally over it, actually I don't think they thought much of it in the first place.

That's how things like this usually manage to happen! But as PPs say, as long as you don't make a big deal out of it, it more than likely won't be a big deal to them. Children do indeed have a much different perspective about these things than we adults do, which doesn't mean they won't remember seeing what they saw, but it does mean that they have no frame of reference. Know what I mean? It sounds like you gave them a perfectly appropriate explanation- props for thinking on your feet!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

Hmm. I don't know about the rest of the married women in the world, but this sounds like a dictatorial and impractical solution. I wouldn't ask my husband to not look at porn- I might ask him to safeguard his computer a little better, but asking him to not look at porn is something an overbearing mother would say to little Timmy when she caught him with a Playboy in the guest bedroom! Not really something a wife ought to say to a husband...
Maybe I'm just sick.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

I don't think that is an easy answer.

They could have just as easily seen it on the family computer with the way our "parental blocks" work. If they have access to the internet, even with all of the blocks in the world, porn will find a way to pop up. So really, parents should not have any computers in the house if they want to truly protect their children from this stuff. For that matter, do not allow them to use a computer at school or the library. Their school computers were recently bombarded with a virus that had porn pop-ups. It's just the chance you take with allowing a child to use a computer.

We do not have "porn in the house". DH has a private computer, which has access to the internet. The internet is full of porn. Was he viewing it? Probably ... on his _private, locked computer_, sometime in the past.


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## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emmalizz* 
Ditto









If you have a computer, you have porn in your house. _This was not downloaded._ It was a website that was apparently viewed 4 months ago (according to the history)


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:

That's how things like this usually manage to happen! But as PPs say, as long as you don't make a big deal out of it, it more than likely won't be a big deal to them. Children do indeed have a much different perspective about these things than we adults do, which doesn't mean they won't remember seeing what they saw, but it does mean that they have no frame of reference. Know what I mean? It sounds like you gave them a perfectly appropriate explanation- props for thinking on your feet!
Well, I definitely want them to know the facts about this subject. I just didn't expect them to see it. They already knew the basics about it, because of the whole "where do babies come from" talk. I just added on that sometimes couples in relationships do it for fun too (and not just to get a baby). I never want sex to be a taboo subject, when they are older I hope they can talk honestly with me about their feelings. I think making it something shameful or something that is never talked about will do much more harm than good. I think I did ok by telling them it is something adult couples in relationships do, and that it's for adults only. They seemed to accept that.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
Or you could just say, *"No porn in the house* with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

My husband was exposed to porn at a young age and it had a lasting negative effect on him through adolescense. I'd be horrified if my young kids were exposed to something like that. How sad.









I did that, after finding not-ok (imo) porn. Having three daughters, including two who use the computer, I don't want to risk it.

My partner completely agrees too. (now,







)

btw, no porn at all, not just with young children.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

You can also set up your computer to not track cookies (just as a precaution for the future, in case they break the rule and go to his computer again during a bathroom break). Then there is no way for them to find it unless they look it up themselves.

I imagine it was in your husbands recent history if they found it so quickly (he was only gone for a bathroom break) i think its cool that kind of thing doesnt bother you. I guess I am really insecure - partly because I knew a man who had a porn addiction and how that can effect their ability to be attacted to their spouse. We have a no porn in the house rule too (prude I know...) but I don't think the answer is to have no porn because you have small children, though that may be why some people have a no porn rule. If it is something you are okay with then just take some extra precautions for next time









I think you handled the situation well.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
If you have a computer, you have porn in your house. _This was not downloaded._ It was a website that was apparently viewed 4 months ago (according to the history)

No, if you have a computer you have the potential to have porn in the house. If the computer is regularly used to view porn, you DEFINITELY have porn in the house, as you have learned first-hand.

There is no way my young children could access porn on our computer. Its *never* viewed on our computer. When they use the computer, they have a list of websites saved in their favorites that they are allowed to click on. The computer is out in plain view of everyone, in our living room.

I guess I just don't *get* making it 'safer' for your husband to get off on a bunch of other women.







As long as your kids don't see it, it doesn't effect your family....oh yeah...unless your kids see it.

Some things you can't 'unsee'. Seeing porn at a young impressionable age can have lasting effects JUST like sexual abuse can. Not something I'm willing (or my husband is willing) to risk with kids in our house.

Forsaking ALL others for us really means forsaking ALL OTHERS.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4inMyHeart3inArms* 
You can also set up your computer to not track cookies (just as a precaution for the future, in case they break the rule and go to his computer again during a bathroom break). Then there is no way for them to find it unless they look it up themselves.

I imagine it was in your husbands recent history if they found it so quickly (he was only gone for a bathroom break) i think its cool that kind of thing doesnt bother you. I guess I am really insecure - partly because I knew a man who had a porn addiction and how that can effect their ability to be attacted to their spouse. We have a no porn in the house rule too (prude I know...) but I don't think the answer is to have no porn because you have small children, though that may be why some people have a no porn rule. If it is something you are okay with then just take some extra precautions for next time









I think you handled the situation well.

Thanks. I will definitely be changing the settings on the computer so it does not track the cookies. That computer is not used for the internet very often and still has a website I was looking at in December in the recent history list (the drop down list vista has when you go to type in a website). He very well could have been looking at it recently, but that is ok. It's his private computer, and I'm fine with porn in general. Not fine with my children seeing it, but fine with my husband looking at it.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
No, if you have a computer you have the potential to have porn in the house. If the computer is regularly used to view porn, you DEFINITELY have porn in the house, as you have learned first-hand.

There is no way my young children could access porn on our computer. Its *never* viewed on our computer. When they use the computer, they have a list of websites saved in their favorites that they are allowed to click on. The computer is out in plain view of everyone, in our living room.
*
I guess I just don't *get* making it 'safer' for your husband to get off on a bunch of other women.







As long as your kids don't see it, it doesn't effect your family....oh yeah...unless your kids see it.*

Some things you can't 'unsee'. Seeing porn at a young impressionable age can have lasting effects JUST like sexual abuse can. Not something I'm willing (or my husband is willing) to risk with kids in our house.

Forsaking ALL others for us really means forsaking ALL OTHERS.


They would have seen worse if they would have walked in on us (which seems to be a pretty common thing after reading posts here). You can not compare walking in on parents having sex, or seeing thumbnail clips of sex acts once with sexual abuse. They may both have lasting effects, but they are no where near being the same.
My husband has not done anything wrong here. I find porn to be perfectly acceptable for adults to view.

I doubt porn was viewed on their elementary school computers either.. but that didn't stop a group of 4th graders from getting an eye full while looking up information on the presidents. You are naive to think that it could never happen to your children.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

One quick and easy fix is for your husband to set up a screen saver on his private computer, and password protect it. It can turn on after two minutes of idle time, and then the computer can't be accessed again until he types in his password. This would prevent this kind of "daddy's in the bathroom" accident again, unless of course they're waiting outside the door for him to leave and jump right on before the two minutes are up.









As a former public librarian, I can also vouch for the fact that having computers connected to the internet at all makes you vulnerable for having porn pop up. One of the great examples I learned back in library school (about 10 years ago) was whitehouse.com -- now it's a legit site, but back then it was owned by a porn company. Someone who didn't realize that they needed *.gov* to get to the official White House website would get an eyeful instead of info on our president.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I think you handled it very well. Just be aware that they may have more questions in a few days as they process the info you gave them and what they saw.

My dad had a subscription to Playboy when I was young. I was probably 8 or so when I first thumbed through the magazine when I knew I wouldn't get "caught." I was curious. Most kids are. It's not something that scarred me for life or turned me into a sex addict or something.

That said, passwords are very easy to put in place on the computer, especially if it's dealing with sensitive work information. DH's laptop has a password, and his work notebook (with HIPPA-protected patient info) even has a fingerprint scanner to unlock it.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
They would have seen worse if they would have walked in on us (which seems to be a pretty common thing after reading posts here). You can not compare walking in on parents having sex, or seeing thumbnail clips of sex acts once with sexual abuse. They may both have lasting effects, but they are no where near being the same.
My husband has not done anything wrong here. I find porn to be perfectly acceptable for adults to view.

I doubt porn was viewed on their elementary school computers either.. but that didn't stop a group of 4th graders from getting an eye full while looking up information on the presidents. You are naive to think that it could never happen to your children.

I'm not naive, thanks. My kids are not old enough to read, much less make inappropriate searches. When they are old enough, there are steps that can be taken to prevent that.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

My daughter was looking up information on Bearded Dragons. Guess what popped up? She didn't say anything to me but got curious and kept on looking. It was devastating to me but I think I handled it well. No shaming at all. I told her about the magazines my cousin showed us that belonged to his dad. Then I had to do some explaining on what she saw. That was hard but I kept cool and calm. I then bought
"It's Perfectly Normal
Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex & Sexual Health" It has been fun for us to read it together.
I updated the protection on my computer to avoid this situation again. I had the parent controls on but I did not know that the windows parent controls do not work with Mozilla.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

my dd recently saw the CD cover of my porn movie. told her not meant for her. not until she is in high school. she made big eyes and said in a conspirital tone, 'mom i saw the penis and boobies.' then we went into what porn was - all the whys and whats and told her why i disliked usual porn coz of the way they treat women. blah. blah blah. seems like curiosity for her. wasnt affected.

i am not against porn myself. an addiction yes - is bad. not otherwise.


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## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

Quote:

I don't know about the rest of the married women in the world, but this sounds like a dictatorial and impractical solution...Not really something a wife ought to say to a husband...
H and I talk about everything. For reasons I won't get into here, it's important to me that my home be a safe space and that includes no porn. H is respectful of that and I appreciate it.

I'm not clear why it would be "impractical" unless a person had an addiction to porn.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Coming from a parent of older kids....

I know there's a world of difference between a 6yo viewing porn and a 16yo viewing porn, whether it's accidental or not.

But believe me, if kids want to look at it, they'll find a way. Computer-savvy teens know how to get around filters and parental controls. Don't be fooled into thinking that things are "safe" just because you have extra software on there.

It took me quite some time to figure out that my son had installed keylogging software on his computer. Because of that, he was able to get the passwords for the parental control settings and sneak around them.

Additionally, the marketers of porn sites are quite adept in figuring out how to avoid the pop-up blockers and control settings. An innocent web search can turn up graphic stuff, even with filters. And unless you plan to hit EVERY search engine site and set them to "safe search" (nearly impossible to do), or block them all (rendering the Internet virtually useless for research purposes), your kid is likely to see some off-color stuff at some point.

As for comparing online porn to Playboys and Penthouses back in the 70's or 80's....apples and oranges. That's like comparing the Sunday funnies to a full-length feature film.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

My husband was exposed to porn at a young age and it had a lasting negative effect on him through adolescense. I'd be horrified if my young kids were exposed to something like that. How sad.









A lot of kids walk in on their parents having sex and I don't think it is a good idea to have a no sex rule in the house so the no porn rule doesn't make a lot of sense either. My dd did this to me and my ex when she was two, she had just fallen asleep and we thought she would be asleep for a couple hours but she wasn't. We were a loving couple then and stopping all sex just because of one little incident would not have made sense. It sounds like the OP and her husband have been taking reasonable steps to stop their access to this stuff and when they got access anyways the OP talked them through it. I think she did the right thing and her and her dh shouldn't have to stop having things that are enjoyable to them in their lives.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thisbirdwillfly* 
I'm not clear why it would be "impractical" unless a person had an addiction to porn.

The other poster wasn't saying that it's impractical to keep porn out of the house.

She was saying that it was impractical to boss your spouse around like he's three years old. Not to mention degrading.

If you and your DH agree that porn will remain out of your home, then that's a non-issue. Some other people don't have problems with porn in their marriages. Porn does not make me or my DH feel unsafe.

DH and I respect each other and talk about things that bother us, and find mutually agreeable solutions. That is a world of difference from "putting your foot down." If your partner is so disrespectful of you (general "you") that he or she does not care how something makes you feel, then there are bigger issues than having porn in the house. We do not _tell_ each other what to do.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

Don't make a big deal about it. At their age... it went over their heads.
Don't be so sure I was first "introduced" to porn at an age younger than this and it greatly affect me throught my entire life. Here porn is not allowed DD actually has her own browser with safe sites already bookmarked for her (she is 6.5). DH and I are fully on the same page over this thugh.

Deanna


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## Quickbeam (Jan 6, 2009)

Quote:

But, when I was 6, I found a Penthouse magazine in the woods. At age 6, I was a fairly good reader. I not only looked through it, but I read all the stories.

And then I started asking my mom what some of the words meant.
I could have written these exact words. Just to offer another perspective, though, in my case the experience was damaging and caused me lasting harm. I bring this up only to highlight that we all react to these things differently. I guess the scary bit is not knowing how _your_ kiddo will react/feel/process.

I guess I'm not sure what the issue is for the OP? If porn is acceptable and healthy (as much so as walking in on parents), what's the problem? Is it that they are young? If so, I'd let them know you are available to answer their questions and leave it at that.

ETA:

Quote:

this was something grown ups did when they were in a happy, loving relationship
Actually, in this particular instance what they saw was not grown ups in happy, loving relationships. They saw people getting paid to be naked/have sex. Again, not sure how much detail you want to go into with them or what you'd like to accomplish, but thought I'd put this out there for clarity's sake.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
A lot of kids walk in on their parents having sex and I don't think it is a good idea to have a no sex rule in the house so the no porn rule doesn't make a lot of sense either.

I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Quickbeam* 
I could have written these exact words. Just to offer another perspective, though, in my case the experience was damaging and caused me lasting harm. I bring this up only to highlight that we all react to these things differently. I guess the scary bit is not knowing how _your_ kiddo will react/feel/process.

I guess I'm not sure what the issue is for the OP? If porn is acceptable and healthy (as much so as walking in on parents), what's the problem? Is it that they are young? If so, I'd let them know you are available to answer their questions and leave it at that.

ETA:

Actually, in this particular instance what they saw was not grown ups in happy, loving relationships. They saw people getting paid to be naked/have sex.

I would imagine the issue is that they are young. There are many things we do as adults that would not be appropriate for kids. It isn't fair to imply that if the op is okay with porn then she should be okay with her kids seeing it.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.

not all porn is like that.

OP do you know what exactly they saw? Was it pretty vanilla or was it more hardcore? How graphic? Because there are so many things out there...some I think a kid would forget about pretty quickly, but there is also quite a bit of brain staining stuff too.

I walked in on my parents doing the deed when I was 5...and the image is SEARED into my brain. I honestly would have rather found porn, but that's just me.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.

Yeah the difference seems clear to me too.

DH is actually the one who said "no porn" to me (not that I disagree; he is just the one who brought it up).

He was introduced to porn at a young age and feels it hurt him deeply.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.

What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead.


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## Quickbeam (Jan 6, 2009)

Quote:

It isn't fair to imply that if the op is okay with porn then she should be okay with her kids seeing it.
Did I imply that? I don't think I did. There has been discussion on the thread about what's normal and healthy and what's not, so I am suggesting that she decide how she wants to approach that line in this instance. There seems to be some ambivalence in the original post.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead.

I guess I feel exactly the opposite.

It's not that I _want_ my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing. Because it's really not even the same thing... accidentally glimpsing two normal everyday people on top of each other, vs. brightly lit close-ups of body parts.

I have seen a lot of porn and it's true that it's not all a bunch of girls getting it six ways to Sunday from a bunch of guys. That's the mild stuff. Some of it is much, much worse. And the text on some of these websites talks about women in a very degrading way, with captions that leave no doubt as to the nature of what is being depicted.

But, you know, as an adult, whatever floats your boat. What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. *I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead*.

really?

Quote:

I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way."
my feelings exactly.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
not all porn is like that.

*OP do you know what exactly they saw?* Was it pretty vanilla or was it more hardcore? How graphic? Because there are so many things out there...some I think a kid would forget about pretty quickly, but there is also quite a bit of brain staining stuff too.

I walked in on my parents doing the deed when I was 5...and the image is SEARED into my brain. I honestly would have rather found porn, but that's just me.

I went to the page. Most of it was breasts, or women bent over.. no actual penetration that I saw. It definitely wasn't bondage or anything like that.

There were no closeups. Actually, you could not see much of anything because they wanted you to buy it first.

My children have witnessed many birth videos (obviously not the same, but closeups of the birth), and I never block the "shape of a mother" website, they have looked at it at times when I have. It's no big deal for them to see that site (breasts, post baby bellies). So, they have seen normal women's naked bodies in a non-sexual way and think nothing of it. I hope for now they lump this into that category.

When I first wrote that post, I was freaking out because I did not know how much they had seen, etc. Now I'm more calm. Again, I'm okay with porn in general - not okay with my kids being exposed to sexual activity.

Quote:

What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it
As for not having security... this is a password protected, private computer, which is kept in a usually locked room. DH made a mistake by leaving the computer for a few minutes.

Our family computer is in the living room, with parental blocks.


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## hibiscus mum (Apr 6, 2009)

I think you handled it well, OP. This thread brought back memories, though. Once, I was babysitting my cousins (we're talking 18 years ago) and while I was there they found their dad's porn magazine collection - and it was some nasty hardcore stuff. I guess I wasn't supervising them very well. They showed it to me and I was mortified! Mostly because I knew I'd have to explain what they found when my aunt came home. She had a talk with them, explaining that it wasn't real or something...I don't remember her exact words.

So like other posters have mentioned, even before the dawn of the internet, stuff like this happened.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
I went to the page. Most of it was breasts, or women bent over.. no actual penetration that I saw. It definitely wasn't bondage or anything like that.

There were no closeups. Actually, you could not see much of anything because they wanted you to buy it first.

My children have witnessed many birth videos (obviously not the same, but closeups of the birth), and I never block the "shape of a mother" website, they have looked at it at times when I have. It's no big deal for them to see that site (breasts, post baby bellies). So, they have seen normal women's naked bodies in a non-sexual way and think nothing of it. I hope for now they lump this into that category.

When I first wrote that post, I was freaking out because I did not know how much they had seen, etc. Now I'm more calm. Again, I'm okay with porn in general - not okay with my kids being exposed to sexual activity.

As for not having security... this is a password protected, private computer, which is kept in a usually locked room. DH made a mistake by leaving the computer for a few minutes.

Our family computer is in the living room, with parental blocks.

OP, I think you dealt with the situation well. You can't erase what happened, but it sounds like you are going to do what needs to be done to try to make sure it doesn't happen again.


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I had the parent controls on but I did not know that the windows parent controls do not work with Mozilla.

Is that true? We have windows vista parental controls and use firefox, and we have a very curious ten year old.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
It's not that I _want_ my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing.

Except that....that's not true.

It's both. Loving couples have sex. Sex is something done out of love. Sometimes sex is something people do out of biological urges and love isn't involved at all. People have been watching each other have sex for millenia.

I find it interesting that you say that sex is "not something to watch other people doing," yet later in your post you say you've looked at a lot of porn.

Obviously, sex *is* something that people watch other people doing. And you've done it yourself.


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## Quickbeam (Jan 6, 2009)

OP, I'm glad you're feeling calm now. Whatever our differing views on porn may be, I understand concerns about what children see and when and in what context. Glad you were able to figure out what they saw so you know what you're/they're dealing with.


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 

I guess I just don't *get* making it 'safer' for your husband to get off on a bunch of other women.







As long as your kids don't see it, it doesn't effect your family....oh yeah...unless your kids see it.

Some things you can't 'unsee'. Seeing porn at a young impressionable age can have lasting effects JUST like sexual abuse can. Not something I'm willing (or my husband is willing) to risk with kids in our house.

Forsaking ALL others for us really means forsaking ALL OTHERS.









:

Quote:

She was saying that it was impractical to boss your spouse around like he's three years old. Not to mention degrading.
Oh my goodness, it's degrading to have a no porn rule? Of all words to use


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
Except that....that's not true.

It's both. Loving couples have sex. Sex is something done out of love. Sometimes sex is something people do out of biological urges and love isn't involved at all. People have been watching each other have sex for millenia.

I find it interesting that you say that sex is "not something to watch other people doing," yet later in your post you say you've looked at a lot of porn.

Obviously, sex *is* something that people watch other people doing. And you've done it yourself.

I see your point, but I reject an automatic, unthinking equivalence between actual sex with a willing partner, and watching porn, so it's like if you want your kid to be comfortable and open about the one, you have no right to object to the other. There's a difference between the ideals we teach to our children and some of what we experience as adults. I don't think it makes me a dishonest or hypocritical person if I don't want to hit them with the nitty-gritty of everything right off the bat.

I believe that most women who appear in porn are being exploited. Even though some may not be, the viewer has no way of knowing whether you are actually paying to watch somebody be raped in any particular instance. Even if they act like they like it, that may just be what they have to do to survive. Especially with the world wide web, it is more likely than not that the porn is being filmed in locales that have very little controls against human trafficking.

And of course, porn is used to exploit women on the user end too. False expectations of what our bodies should look like. Pressure to do weird or uncomfortable things that boys and men have learned about from the increasingly bizarre porn that is out there. Or even just watching it even though you don't want to, because you don't want to seem like a prude.
I would be careful before accusing a woman who doesn't like porn of hypocrisy just because she's seen it herself. Often the women who've seen the most of it are the ones who are in the best position to judge its true nature. I think a lot of women out there are in denial about the nature of contemporary internet porn, because it's easier to be tolerant from a standpoint of ignorance is bliss. Like someone else said, it's not just Playboy photo spreads anymore.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I see your point, but I reject an automatic, unthinking equivalence between actual sex with a willing partner, and watching porn, so it's like if you want your kid to be comfortable and open about the one, you have no right to object to the other. There's a difference between the ideals we teach to our children and some of what we experience as adults. I don't think it makes me a dishonest or hypocritical person if I don't want to hit them with the nitty-gritty of everything right off the bat.

I believe that most women who appear in porn are being exploited. Even though some may not be, the viewer has no way of knowing whether you are actually paying to watch somebody be raped in any particular instance. Even if they act like they like it, that may just be what they have to do to survive. Especially with the world wide web, it is more likely than not that the porn is being filmed in locales that have very little controls against human trafficking.

And of course, porn is used to exploit women on the user end too. False expectations of what our bodies should look like. Pressure to do weird or uncomfortable things that boys and men have learned about from the increasingly bizarre porn that is out there. Or even just watching it even though you don't want to, because you don't want to seem like a prude.
I would be careful before accusing a woman who doesn't like porn of hypocrisy just because she's seen it herself. Often the women who've seen the most of it are the ones who are in the best position to judge its true nature. I think a lot of women out there are in denial about the nature of contemporary internet porn, because it's easier to be tolerant from a standpoint of ignorance is bliss. Like someone else said, it's not just Playboy photo spreads anymore.









:

This is _exactly_ how I feel about it too.

OP, it sounds like you handled your situation well and you and your DH usually take really good precautions to make sure your little ones don't see porn. I doubt they'll have any lasting damage, especially if you're sure to let them know that they can always come to you with any questions or concerns about what they've seen or heard.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Regardless of everyone else's view of porn, I think you handled the entire situation really well mama! My best friend (when I was about 8) found her brother's porn magazines and we spent an entire sleepover reading them.

I'm pretty danged normal. I mean, I *do* hang out at MDC, but otherwise I'm normal, ykwim?


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## LionLady13 (Feb 21, 2009)

I think you handled it great (given the circumstances). No shaming, punishments, etc. They're too young to hear the truth about porn and how it's a, "marketing device for sex trafficking: it normalizes degradation and violence as acceptable and even inevitable parts of sex, and uses the bodies of real women and children as objects.- Steinem 2006" I wish more women would stand up and reject the sex industry completely, for how can any of us be really sure if those women are trafficked into the industry from another country or hell our own country, or stuck there to support a drug habit.









Steer your husband towards Robert Jensen's site. He might find value in another man's intelligent, critical thinking, from experience.

I appreciate this discussion, because although my kids will never find those type of images in their own home, they will (I'm sure) stumble upon them in this increasingly sexually objectified world we live in and I have yet to figure out how I'll handle it. So good topic to discuss


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## MommaKitten21 (May 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marisa724* 

As a former public librarian, I can also vouch for the fact that having computers connected to the internet at all makes you vulnerable for having porn pop up. One of the great examples I learned back in library school (about 10 years ago) was whitehouse.com -- now it's a legit site, but back then it was owned by a porn company. Someone who didn't realize that they needed *.gov* to get to the official White House website would get an eyeful instead of info on our president.


This made me smile big! Being young (I am 21!) I am one of those kids who, with my siblings, happened to stumble across this site thanks to the .gov/.com issue.... and I have to say, we were not harmed at all, but our curiosity definitely took over and we explored the site for sometime... we giggled and to this day I can not remember anything I saw, but I can remember us giggling and continuing to click!

I would not fret over my kids finding it.... actually, I think you did a wonderful job of explaining it to your little ones ... even as embarrassed or shocked as you were!


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## LionLady13 (Feb 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.

I agree







BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are _totally_ anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I guess I feel exactly the opposite.

It's not that I _want_ my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing. Because it's really not even the same thing... accidentally glimpsing two normal everyday people on top of each other, vs. brightly lit close-ups of body parts.

I have seen a lot of porn and it's true that it's not all a bunch of girls getting it six ways to Sunday from a bunch of guys. That's the mild stuff. Some of it is much, much worse. And the text on some of these websites talks about women in a very degrading way, with captions that leave no doubt as to the nature of what is being depicted.

But, you know, as an adult, whatever floats your boat. What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it.

It sounds like they did have a lot of controls set up and the children accidently got a glimpse of porn anyways. I think a porn discussion site where you can debate your views on porn would be a great place to bring these points up. In this case though, it sounds like the OP and her husband had great things in place that fell through.

Sex is also not something limited to loving couples, nor would I like my child to actually see either things. But I would rather she didn't have me and a lover seered in her brain for all time. I remember seeing my mother naked once and that was nasty enough for me.


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## Venia (Aug 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marisa724* 
One quick and easy fix is for your husband to set up a screen saver on his private computer, and password protect it. It can turn on after two minutes of idle time, and then the computer can't be accessed again until he types in his password. This would prevent this kind of "daddy's in the bathroom" accident again, unless of course they're waiting outside the door for him to leave and jump right on before the two minutes are up.









ITA! Also, to the OP, because you say that there is important work materials on that computer, this would prevent files from accidentally being deleted or closed before saved. In this same realm, he may also want to keep secondary copies of all his work on external storage devices. Since the computer is not strictly work-related, the chance for viruses and other malicious software is exponentially higher for that workstation.


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## mum21andtwins (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionLady13* 
I agree







BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are _totally_ anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......

Well I am the daughter of a man who watches porn had playboy & penthouse and many similar magazines. he was also into s&m and bondage type stuff and goddess knows what else
I have a healthy happy mutualy respectfull relationship with my DH and my fathers sexual hangups have in no way affected me.
Also to compare people to pigs is well insulting to pigs really.
And not all porn is bad porn. there is porn out there made in the right way without all the weird degrading crap you get in so many of the videos. and just because someone watches porn doesn't mean they are bad. I dunno your post reads weird to me (but that could also be the langguage difference?)

OP I think you did really well!

Why do these types of threads always turn into a pro/anti porn debate?? to each their own I say....


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## waldorfknitmama (Sep 16, 2007)

I think you handled it well hun, and for what it's worth. . . My husband does not view porn, niether do I, but I'm totally cool with it, I actually find it a turn on. It would be a no biggie in my house provided I take safety procautions and block stuff like that from my LO seeing it. I also swear in front of my kiddos







Not meaning to of course, am I a bad mom? Also my husband and I will sneak in some dtd while my co-sleeping babes sleep. We are quiet, but there is just no where else to do it comfortably. I think sex is so taboo, people need to get over it, we are sexual beings that is it...


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## LionLady13 (Feb 21, 2009)

I remember seeing my mother naked once and that was nasty enough for me.[/QUOTE]


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## LionLady13 (Feb 21, 2009)

mum21andtwins said:


> Well I am the daughter of a man who watches porn had playboy & penthouse and many similar magazines. he was also into s&m and bondage type stuff and goddess knows what else
> I have a healthy happy mutualy respectfull relationship with my DH and my fathers sexual hangups have in no way affected me.
> Also to compare people to pigs is well insulting to pigs really.
> And not all porn is bad porn. there is porn out there made in the right way without all the weird degrading crap you get in so many of the videos. and just because someone watches porn doesn't mean they are bad. I dunno your post reads weird to me (but that could also be the langguage difference?)
> ...


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionLady13* 
I agree







BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are _totally_ anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......

My mom was a single parent, and she got Playboy in the mail. The articles really ARE good in it, lol. She uses to get those books - the Penthouse story compilations. I'd find those too, and read them.

And, as I said, I found Penthouse in the woods when I was 6, to which I gave thorough reading.

As a teen, starting around age 14 or so, I used to watch porn myself. A lot of it. Those were the days of slow dial up too, lol. I don't watch it any more, but I definitely got my fill as a teen.

Now, I'm a feminist and am very pro sex.







I mean, I have a healthy attitude about sex, although I don't think it has to be about love and marriage. I'm even with a man who thinks porn is exploitative towards women, and doesn't watch it. He's a male feminist, if one can say that.

I think you have to put this into context - chances are high, her daughters already moved onto something else, and aren't giving this a second thought.

Further, even people who grow up with porn, who watch porn themselves, can certainly grow out of this once it is put into context for them. Or once they take some Women's Studies classes at college. Or read some feminist literature on sex, pleasure, porn, prostitution, etc.

Beyond that, there are female friendly porn videos out there. Made by women for women, for the express purpose of going against the typical porn model.

We all spend our lives growing and changing, and our experiences are just the next nexus for change.

I actually think seeing a clip or a porn photo for a few minutes is a lot less harmful than being constantly bombarded with the objectification of women in the media, as well as in the world. If we can raise strong, independent women in the face of that - we can certainly raise them that way in the face of accidental viewing of porn.


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## oursonend (Jan 30, 2006)

To me your response sounds completely reasonable. I have no problem with porn on the computer, but DH's computer and mine are both password protected. So is your DH's, and that's good. Sometimes I use the "lock screen" option on my computer when I'm in a public place so that others won't read my screen when I'm away. Perhaps he could try that. It just brings up a black screen and to go back to what you're doing you put in your password.

FWIW when my family got a computer for the first time I was 8, and the FIRST thing I did with all of the neighbourhood kids was search for sailor moon porn. We were so terrified of being caught that we turned off the site before the picture loaded all the way (this was back when pictures took a good ten minutes to load... lol) but ITA that porn will be found. In fact just the other day I was researching something about vaginal rugae and I got porn results in Google Images even with safe search on. Someone had tagged the images with clinical terms, presumably to avoid safe search filters.







I really believe that healthy open conversation is the best protection for our kids, and handling things in a calm and factual manner, much like you did by explaining about the loving activity between adults.


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## ahimsa_in_action (Mar 15, 2009)

My mom was always very much against porn in the house, which only made my brothers want to see it more. For example, when they were young teenagers they found our dad's porn stash in the back of his closet and I guess forgot to put it back after they were done watching it. Mom finds out, grounds them for a month and probably chews Dad out as well. She was LIVID. I know for a fact that at least my oldest brother loves porn (once I was over at his apartment when he was in his early twenties and he had some right there on his bookshelf). It often makes kids even more curious when you make a big deal about something, is what I'm trying to say.

Another time when I was in kindergarten a friend of mine found a porn magazine stuck in one of the bushes at the back of the playground. We looked at it for all of 2 minutes...I knew almost right away that what I was looking at didn't make me feel good, but I didn't understand why. The teacher found about it, told our mothers...my mom became hysterical when we got home, wanted to know exactly what I saw, etc. When she finally calmed down about it, I still didn't know why it made me feel icky, but since she blew up at me about it I assumed that there was something wrong with _me_ now that I had looked at it...like I was tainted or something.

Anyway, I bring these examples up because there's this general consensus that "porn is bad, keep kids away from porn" which I happen to agree with, but the tone that's given surrounding it often communicates the wrong message. The fact that the OP told her kids that sex is something that occurs between people who are in love I feel is avoiding the truth...the truth most people don't want to face. We're a sex-obsessed society. No matter how much we try to protect our kids, shelter them, keep them away from computers and whatever else, they are sooner or later going to be exposed to sex (and often not the "love making" variety we so praise). They will see it in movies, read about it in books, hear about it on the bus to school, and they will easily be able to access it on any public computer. Is the answer then to try to cover it up as much as possible or to make it as normal as possible? I feel the latter answer is the key to optimal sexual health. I'm not saying to purposefully expose young children to porn or anything like that, but to at least make it normal if the situation happens to come up. Children are sexual beings who will one day be very interested in sex, if they're not already. If my kids were to find porn on the computer I would tell them the truth...that these people are not in love, they are simply enjoying the act of sex for the pure pleasure of it or simply to make money. This will, at the very least, give them the foundation to better understand sex and how society sees it. There's no point in trying to hide it, shame it, or make it look "pretty" by saying the people are in love or whatever. Lastly, if my kids were to one day become interested in pornography I would let them watch something basic and not too hardcore, so that it becomes normal. If mom treats it as normal then so will they, more than likely. They probably won't become obsessed with it or feel ashamed if they happen to see it.

One more thing--what's so wrong with having sex solely for pleasure? I know a lot of moms on here are Christian, so it's natural coming from your religious upbringing to frown upon that but how different is it from the "routine sex" that often occurs between people who've been married for a long time or the sex that's had purely for the sake of making babies? I see a lot of women on here and other forums totally fixated on becoming pregnant...basically using their husbands for their sperm, it seems. They might be "in love" with their husbands, but that doesn't feel to me to be loving sex. There are so many different types of sex and reasons for having it...to say that it's only acceptable if its between people who are in love (and, dare I say, _straight_ married people who are in love) is to completely ignore a lot of variations that may or may not be "pretty" but are just as real.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elisent* 
Is that true? We have windows vista parental controls and use firefox, and we have a very curious ten year old.

Yep it is true. Test it out. I learned the hard way







I now use procon latte. It is an add-on for firefox. It is good for younger kids but I will need to get something else when they get older.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionLady13* 
I agree







BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are _totally_ anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......

Well I wouldn't say my father _participated_ in the sexual exploitation of women, but he did have Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler & Porn movies in our house. Early on, I started looking at them (7-8 yrs old) & I noticed a distinct difference between the magazines. My dad was not happy about me seeing these but we talked about it. When I looked at Playboy, I saw beautiful women. I didn't like looking at the other 2 so I stopped. I looked at the Playboy magazines for quite a while afterwards & always thought the female body was beautiful. I even strated reading the articles as I got older. Around 13, I started watching some of my dad's porn movies. It was just basic curiosity. I saw a few & then stopped.

As an adult, I don't watch or look at porn & neither does my DH. Seeing this stuff regularly as a child didn't affect me negatively in the slightest. I have a very healthy relationship with sex. Now if I had had seen my parents having sex







OMG I think I would be seriously tramatized.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:

The fact that the OP told her kids that sex is something that occurs between people who are in love I feel is avoiding the truth...the truth most people don't want to face
Of course I was avoiding the truth. They are 7 and 5 years old, they have plenty of time to learn the truth about sex, porn, stds, etc. For now, the simplest answer is to say it's what married adults do. Why make them think about it any more than needed? If I told them these people were PAID to do this, it would definitely make my daughter obsess over it. That would be shocking to a young child.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

Just curious- does your husband own his own business? Just asking because most employers would/could possibly fire someone for viewing porn on a company computer.


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pjs* 
Just curious- does your husband own his own business? Just asking because most employers would/could possibly fire someone for viewing porn on a company computer.

It's not a company computer.


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## ahimsa_in_action (Mar 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
Of course I was avoiding the truth. They are 7 and 5 years old, they have plenty of time to learn the truth about sex, porn, stds, etc. For now, the simplest answer is to say it's what married adults do. Why make them think about it any more than needed? If I told them these people were PAID to do this, it would definitely make my daughter obsess over it. That would be shocking to a young child.

I don't know your daughters, so I obviously can't speak for them but I'd imagine they might be wondering now or later on why these people are being sexual on the internet (this probably only applies to the older one since she has a better understanding of such things). If mommy and daddy are in love and have sex then do they make videos of it and post them on the internet? If not, why not? She may not have such an active imagination, though, so your answer might have been good enough. Also, most young children (if they haven't been sexually abused) do not have any preconceived notions about what is "right" and what is "wrong" when it comes to sex. She probably doesn't know that it's "wrong" to be paid for having sex or for exposing yourself on the internet. She might find it strange, but that sense of "wrongness" or shame probably isn't there yet. In my experience from what I've seen in others and myself, people only obsess if they see something as wrong.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ahimsa_in_action* 
I don't know your daughters, so I obviously can't speak for them but I'd imagine they might be wondering now or later on why these people are being sexual on the internet (this probably only applies to the older one since she has a better understanding of such things). If mommy and daddy are in love and have sex then do they make videos of it and post them on the internet? If not, why not? She may not have such an active imagination, though, so your answer might have been good enough. Also, most young children (if they haven't been sexually abused) do not have any preconceived notions about what is "right" and what is "wrong" when it comes to sex. She probably doesn't know that it's "wrong" to be paid for having sex or for exposing yourself on the internet. She might find it strange, but that sense of "wrongness" or shame probably isn't there yet. In my experience from what I've seen in others and myself, people only obsess if they see something as wrong.

But the OP's children didn't see people having sex. They saw some partially blocked pictures of naked women. Totally different.


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## ahimsa_in_action (Mar 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
But the OP's children didn't see people having sex. They saw some partially blocked pictures of naked women. Totally different.

They were still sexual in nature, though, so it could be seen as such (especially given the OP's reaction). The porn magazine I saw when I was 5 only had pictures of naked women in it, but I knew it was sexual given the way they were posing.


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## nudhistbudhist (Jan 13, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama.Pajama* 

Hmm. I don't know about the rest of the married women in the world, but this sounds like a dictatorial and impractical solution. I wouldn't ask my husband to not look at porn- I might ask him to safeguard his computer a little better, but asking him to not look at porn is something an overbearing mother would say to little Timmy when she caught him with a Playboy in the guest bedroom! Not really something a wife ought to say to a husband...
Maybe I'm just sick.









I think that its easy to say something like that, just as its easy to say that having a "no alcohol or drugs" in the house is dictatorial, and something Timmy's mom would say. But what about alcoholics? Drug addicts? I happen to have had relationships with not one but TWO people who used computer porn to replace relationships with peers at a young age, and were PHYSICALLY addicted/dependent as adults. Its a quiet addiction. Nobody knew. But the longer it went on the harder it was to stop. The one person could not function sexually without it.

And what about personal morals? What about the porn industry itself? I grew up with a couple girls who came from "rough" childhoods, with drug addiction and abuse. With very little education and no money for college, they got jobs as strippers, "escorts" and making low budget porn movies. One went to work as an "international hostess" and no one ever heard from her again. There is a price to pay for peoples "home entertainment." If you wouldn't want your own mother or daughter having sex for money on camera, why would you want that for anyone else? Of all the girls I knew that worked in this "industry," if they felt that they could survive doing any other kind of work, I'm sure they all would have chosen a different lifestyle


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

oops nevermind, OP already answered my question!


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.












Except when you work with it.

Or happen to enjoy viewing it.

It's not that hard to explain porn to kids, and it's not traumatic for them to accidentally see some. We always explained sex as something people do for fun AND (sometimes) for babies, and I've explained porn as pictures and movies of people doing sex-related things, that lots of people enjoy watching because it gets them in the mood to have sex.

It's not the end of the world, OP, and it sounds like they were pretty unphased. Don't worry about it.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HisBeautifulWife* 
Oh my goodness, it's degrading to have a no porn rule? Of all words to use









I feel that it's degrading to _make rules_ for your spouse.

To be honest, if I had to set rules for my spouse to live by, I wouldn't be able to respect him. I'm his partner, not his parent.


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

Haven't read all the replies, but even with a 'no porn' policy, kids can accidentally stumble upon it. Dd got a 'pixel chix' toy for a gift. If you don't know, it's a plastic toy with a digital image of girl in it- you have to do certain things to keep her happy- feed her, play with her, etc. You could get several of these things and they would 'interact' with each other when their houses were connected. I didn't care for them, but dd loved them, so we let her keep them.

She was just learning how to internet search- had recently found disney, nickjr, etc., and innocently googled 'pixelchicks' and porn came up. She looked at it and said she though it was 'cool'. We told her if that ever happens again, to let us know and close the window and we'll help her. We were nearby when it happened, so she didn't see for too long, but a few days later, she drew a naked picture at school (she was a 2nd grader at the time). So, phone call home- I had to explain what had happened- they didn't punish her at school or anything, just had to call me and let me know.

So, 'no porn' is a very simplistic, naive way of fixing the problem, IMO, as the porn dd found wasn't anything that had been saved or accessed from a drop down menu or anything like that. Also, while at school, looking up reading and literacy sites, *I* accidentally found porn. At an elementary school- with TONS of firewalls. It can happen.

So, telling them not to use things without permission, and to come to you if they see naked people is the best you can do.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I think it sounds like you handled it very well.







I have answered so many questions from my 7 yr old about sex and making babies in the past four months that I'm starting to get sick of it.


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## Quickbeam (Jan 6, 2009)

Quote:

it's not traumatic for them to accidentally see some.
Really? I'd be wary of making such a sweeping assertion without any argument or evidence to back it up.


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## Mama.Pajama (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
Well, I definitely want them to know the facts about this subject. I just didn't expect them to see it. They already knew the basics about it, because of the whole "where do babies come from" talk. I just added on that sometimes couples in relationships do it for fun too (and not just to get a baby). I never want sex to be a taboo subject, when they are older I hope they can talk honestly with me about their feelings. I think making it something shameful or something that is never talked about will do much more harm than good. I think I did ok by telling them it is something adult couples in relationships do, and that it's for adults only. They seemed to accept that.

That's good. I think you did the right thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I guess I just don't *get* making it 'safer' for your husband to get off on a bunch of other women.







As long as your kids don't see it, it doesn't effect your family....oh yeah...unless your kids see it.

Some things you can't 'unsee'. Seeing porn at a young impressionable age can have lasting effects JUST like sexual abuse can. Not something I'm willing (or my husband is willing) to risk with kids in our house.

Forsaking ALL others for us really means forsaking ALL OTHERS.

Except for that watching other people have sex is something humans have done throughout history. It's not some demonic freak-of-nature act that should be silenced and hidden, whether you approve of it or not- that's no way to treat any issue, with children or adults.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thisbirdwillfly* 
I'm not clear why it would be "impractical" unless a person had an addiction to porn.

By impractical, I meant that it is impractical to _forbid_ your husband from doing something. If you have house rules for your husband, you are wearing the proverbial pants, and it is no longer an equal partnership: it is a dictatorship.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Quickbeam* 
Actually, in this particular instance what they saw was not grown ups in happy, loving relationships. They saw people getting paid to be naked/have sex. Again, not sure how much detail you want to go into with them or what you'd like to accomplish, but thought I'd put this out there for clarity's sake.

Yeah, probably not the details you want to discuss with a 5 and 7 year old, but good point nonetheless.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.

That's a pretty blunt way to characterize one who views porn. Anybody know that statistics on what percentage of our partners/husbands (and heck, us too) regularly or even occasionally view pornography?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
When I first wrote that post, I was freaking out because I did not know how much they had seen, etc. Now I'm more calm. Again, I'm okay with porn in general - not okay with my kids being exposed to sexual activity.

OP, I think your thread has become the victim of a pro-porn vs. anti-porn debate.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
Loving couples have sex. Sex is something done out of love. Sometimes sex is something people do out of biological urges and love isn't involved at all. People have been watching each other have sex for millenia.

Yes, it is. Do people know this? I'm sure the people who are outraged by "allowing" their partner/husband to look at porn would argue "Well people have been murdering each other for millenia too so does that make murder okay?"

I think the point is that *adults have been engaging in this activity peaceably for millenia, however "naughty" it may be*.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionLady13* 
I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are _totally_ anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......

Wow. A stark demonization of porn viewers! I think Lionlady, your views are referencing the sex industry itself, not the act of voyeurism. There are, of course, real legitimate qualms to be had with the industry, but I think it is the _voyeur_ that is under the microscope in this debate, not the sex industry.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oursonend* 
The fact that the OP told her kids that sex is something that occurs between people who are in love I feel is avoiding the truth...the truth most people don't want to face. We're a sex-obsessed society.

This is true, no doubt. But not an age-appropriate discussion for a 5 and 7 year old.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oursonend* 
Children are sexual beings who will one day be very interested in sex, if they're not already. If my kids were to find porn on the computer I would tell them the truth...that these people are not in love, they are simply enjoying the act of sex for the pure pleasure of it or simply to make money. This will, at the very least, give them the foundation to better understand sex and how society sees it.

IMO, I think 5-7 year olds are too young for such an explanation. The need only know the simple facts about what they saw, which according to OP, wasn't much more than breasts and a lady bent over.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oursonend* 
Lastly, if my kids were to one day become interested in pornography I would let them watch something basic and not too hardcore, so that it becomes normal. If mom treats it as normal then so will they, more than likely. They probably won't become obsessed with it or feel ashamed if they happen to see it.

Hmm. In order to normalize sex, I wouldn't do that. That seems like a "line" in my own mind that is best left crossed by my child alone. Sexuality is a very individual thing, and I wouldn't want to go beyond instilling morals (i.e. rape, abuse, incest are wrong).
I don't think sex should be miscommunicated- it _is_ something we do in our bedrooms behind a closed door, isn't it? It is a private thing, and by private I mean we don't do it in the checkout lines at Target.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oursonend* 
One more thing--what's so wrong with having sex solely for pleasure? I know a lot of moms on here are Christian, so it's natural coming from your religious upbringing to frown upon that but how different is it from the "routine sex" that often occurs between people who've been married for a long time or the sex that's had purely for the sake of making babies? I see a lot of women on here and other forums totally fixated on becoming pregnant...basically using their husbands for their sperm, it seems. They might be "in love" with their husbands, but that doesn't feel to me to be loving sex.

laughup I find this hilarious. I have had very similar thoughts!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nudhistbudhist* 
I think that its easy to say something like that, just as its easy to say that having a "no alcohol or drugs" in the house is dictatorial, and something Timmy's mom would say. But what about alcoholics? Drug addicts? I happen to have had relationships with not one but TWO people who used computer porn to replace relationships with peers at a young age, and were PHYSICALLY addicted/dependent as adults. Its a quiet addiction. Nobody knew. But the longer it went on the harder it was to stop. The one person could not function sexually without it.

I think you are coming from a perspective of a person who has personal experience with sex addicts. Coming from a person with personal experience with alcoholics and drug addicts, I think _it's important to take into account that not all people are sex addicts_, and are able to view porn without becoming so, just like there are a lot of people who can drink without becoming alcoholics. I know that people can also experiment with drugs without becoming a junkie.

Demonizing something or advocating abstinence from something only serves to add allure to the behavior in question and to entice addictive personalities.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nudhistbudhist* 
And what about personal morals? What about the porn industry itself? I grew up with a couple girls who came from "rough" childhoods, with drug addiction and abuse. With very little education and no money for college, they got jobs as strippers, "escorts" and making low budget porn movies. One went to work as an "international hostess" and no one ever heard from her again. There is a price to pay for peoples "home entertainment." If you wouldn't want your own mother or daughter having sex for money on camera, why would you want that for anyone else? Of all the girls I knew that worked in this "industry," if they felt that they could survive doing any other kind of work, I'm sure they all would have chosen a different lifestyle









So you are saying that every woman that chooses to use her body to make money is a victim? I don't think this is accurate at all. A very good friend of mine is an exotic dancer, and she literally enjoys what she does.
As another before you mentioned, there are legitimate issues to be had with the sex industry. The issue _we_ are discussing is the act of voyeurism. If they had a Fair Trade stamp on porn, I'm sure we'd all make the informed decision, but until such regulatory measures have been instated, one will have to trust that American-made pornography is subject to regulations that prevent underage participation, etc. Google it.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

As for the issue of kids being exposed to sex and it being traumatizing or scarring or whatever, think about the settlers living in one room cabins/covered wagons/etc? What about even just 50 years ago when the houses were TINY and there was no late night tv to drown out 'extra' noise? And what about areas of the world where populations live in huts and tiny villages and multigenerational families all sleep/eat/live in one room?? Kids have been aware of and around sex for hundreds and HUNDREDS of years and life continues without massive populations of children damaged by exposure to sex. I think the OP handled it well, and the less of an issue that's made out of it, the better. What a way to hand kids a complex...make an issue out of a NORMAL bodily function. Leave it to a 'modern nation' to have such a hang up about a basic activity!


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
As for the issue of kids being exposed to sex and it being traumatizing or scarring or whatever, think about the settlers living in one room cabins/covered wagons/etc? What about even just 50 years ago when the houses were TINY and there was no late night tv to drown out 'extra' noise? And what about areas of the world where populations live in huts and tiny villages and multigenerational families all sleep/eat/live in one room?? Kids have been aware of and around sex for hundreds and HUNDREDS of years and life continues without massive populations of children damaged by exposure to sex. I think the OP handled it well, and the less of an issue that's made out of it, the better. What a way to hand kids a complex...make an issue out of a NORMAL bodily function. Leave it to a 'modern nation' to have such a hang up about a basic activity!

ITA. I remember a scene in the Grapes of Wrath (i.e., setting is 20th century United States) and Rosasharn (the pregnant teenage daughter) has sex in the presence of her extended family (under the hay in a wagon they all were traveling in, if I recall correctly... I read it almost 20 years ago!) and no-one bats an eyelash. I am not sure if that is an accurate reflection of life under those conditions, but I assumed it was, and it was an eye-opener for me to read/think about. I think it says that our attitudes about sex are a product of our environment/upbringing and not some kind of immutable truth. (That's sex - not porn. I have seen porn images I really, really wish I could un-see...)


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## ahimsa_in_action (Mar 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama.Pajama* 
IMO, I think 5-7 year olds are too young for such an explanation. The need only know the simple facts about what they saw, which according to OP, wasn't much more than breasts and a lady bent over.

Maybe, maybe not...it really depends on the kids and their maturity level. By the age of 7, I was very interested in sex, but so far had only been given a book on how babies are made and when I said the word "dick" out loud with my parents around soon after reading it, my mom made it clear that I shouldn't say that word. So, needless to say, I was very confused by sex and had plenty of questions but didn't feel I could ask them. If it was me at 7, I'd probably wonder why that lady was bent over in such an odd manner (since we don't see people doing that in the checkout lines at Target







) and why it was posted on the internet (since, being 7, I haven't seen anything like that on the computer, or anywhere else, before). It leaves a lot to the imagination, in my opinion, and, depending on their maturity level, I would give them as much of the truth as they can handle (similar to what *I* said previously, not "oursonend"). Why beat around the bush (no pun intended) when it'll probably just create more questions, not less?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama.Pajama* 
Hmm. In order to normalize sex, I wouldn't do that. That seems like a "line" in my own mind that is best left crossed by my child alone. Sexuality is a very individual thing, and I wouldn't want to go beyond instilling morals (i.e. rape, abuse, incest are wrong).

Once again, these are my words, not oursonend's words. So how does one go about instilling morals? Telling them what's right and wrong? In my experience and through observing other people's behavior, this doesn't work very well. You can't make people see what you see...they have to experience it for themselves. In other words, you can say rape is wrong, and they might have a concept of that in their mind and agree with you on some level, but until they see it happen, hear about it, or experience it themselves they wouldn't really *know* how they feel about it. It's like reading a history book that talks all about war on a superficial level...basically giving kids the idea that war is all about facts, dates, who won, who lost, etc. It's not until they see it on TV, experience it first hand, or hear someone vividly describe it that they actually have a real awareness of what war is. So this "line" you speak of that you would rather your child cross on their own...how will you prepare them for that? By telling them what's "right" and "wrong" in your eyes? Anything else? I just don't see how that helps prepare them for the very intense experience that is sex. It seems like a very unstable foundation, imo. What's so wrong with showing them tasteful sex when they are mature enough to handle it (or at least talk about it in an open, detailed discussion)? It sounds to me like YOU are the one who wouldn't be able to handle it...better to just push it under the rug, huh, and hope they find it when they're ready









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama.Pajama* 
I don't think sex should be miscommunicated- it _is_ something we do in our bedrooms behind a closed door, isn't it? It is a private thing, and by private I mean we don't do it in the checkout lines at Target.

How much of this was born from our puritanical ethics rather than what's inherently natural? I'm not saying having sex at Target is natural, but to hide it behind closed doors isn't necessarily natural, either. Do some research--I'm sure you will find that sex is not shamed nearly as much in certain other cultures as it is in ours.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
If you have a computer, you have porn in your house. _This was not downloaded._ It was a website that was apparently viewed 4 months ago (according to the history)

Hmm. I have a computer in my house and there's never been porn on it. Not downloaded, not on websites.

Quote:

So you are saying that every woman that chooses to use her body to make money is a victim?
I would say that the great majority of women in the sex trade are victims, or were at some point in their lives. I've known quite a few "dancers" and the majority of them were sexually abused as children. Now that I live somewhere where there are more prostitutes, I've seen that all of the ones that are out in the open are strung out, addicted to something, selling themselves to buy drugs. Not exactly the "empowered woman."


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## Mama.Pajama (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ahimsa_in_action* 
So how does one go about instilling morals? Telling them what's right and wrong?

Let me clarify what I mean by "instilling morals". Through processes of trial and error and by individually shared "sense", humankind has come to an overall general global consensus that certain things are, for lack of a better word, immoral, i.e. unethical. It is my responsibility to model moral and ethical character to my child. It isn't a specifically detailed plan that I have- this is an ideal that need not be "preached" when is learned through shared life experience.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ahimsa_in_action* 
So this "line" you speak of that you would rather your child cross on their own...how will you prepare them for that? By telling them what's "right" and "wrong" in your eyes? Anything else? I just don't see how that helps prepare them for the very intense experience that is sex. It seems like a very unstable foundation, imo. What's so wrong with showing them tasteful sex when they are mature enough to handle it (or at least talk about it in an open, detailed discussion)? It sounds to me like YOU are the one who wouldn't be able to handle it...better to just push it under the rug, huh, and hope they find it when they're ready









It is my responsibility to _model_ moral and ethical character to my child. It isn't a specifically detailed plan that I have- this is an ideal that need not be "preached"- it is learned through life experiences.

I personally feel that it _is_ inappropriate to view pornographic material with your child- this is something that can be "handled" in an alternatively constructive way. What is "tasteful", in your opinion? You may personally have preferred that your parents had shown you a pornographic video rather than make sex out to be a shameful secret, which sounds conceivable from your perspective. But it doesn't sound like OP shares your parents' "push it under the rug" attitude about sex, nor do I.
Now an age-appropriate educational video about sex would be totally appropriate! Open, honest communication is your best bet, along with age-appropriate information.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ahimsa_in_action* 
How much of this was born from our puritanical ethics rather than what's inherently natural? I'm not saying having sex at Target is natural, but to hide it behind closed doors isn't necessarily natural, either. Do some research--I'm sure you will find that sex is not shamed nearly as much in certain other cultures as it is in ours.

We don't have sex in front of our families (or in public), that's the point I was making. Our society is indeed puritanical, but in what other culture that you reference _do_ parents have sex in front of (as in the viewers are an audience) their families or in public?


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## ahimsa_in_action (Mar 15, 2009)

Never mind...I just realized this discussion is useless.


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