# Do you lie to your children? Toy store related



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Yesterday a little girl whined to her mom about buying her this and that at the toy store. She picked up everything she wanted and threw it in the shopping cart. When they got to the register the mother told the cashier to please hold the toys for her daughter as they would be picking them up later and winked at the cashier. She paid for her other items and told the little girl they would come back later to get them.

Do you do this with your children? When I was a child my mother would just tell me no, you can't have that or "we're not buying that today." and that was it.

I'm just curious to see if other parents are doing this with their kids to avoid paying for items.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Definetly don't do that. If we're at the goodwill, I'll often let ds1 pick out a new car (they're like 33 cents...), but other than that I honestly can't think of the last time we went to a toystore for him to just pick something out.


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## Mom2M (Sep 23, 2006)

No, I wouldn't do that. DD knows that she will have times when she is able to pick a toy or something out and we will buy it.
Sometimes she will say "can we get this?" over and over, not whiny but just asking, lol and I will say no, not today, so she moves on to the next. That's usually in the grocery store, though.
I would never lie to her because she will remember it and I don't want to break her trust.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom2M* 
No, I wouldn't do that. DD knows that she will have times when she is able to pick a toy or something out and we will buy it.
Sometimes she will say "can we get this?" over and over, not whiny but just asking, lol and I will say no, not today, so she moves on to the next. That's usually in the grocery store, though.
*I would never lie to her because she will remember it and I don't want to break her trust*.

See, that's my thinking. I asked DH what he thought about this and he told me he's against it and hearing the no once in a while isn't a bad thing growing up. I don't like the idea of lying.

I've been fortunate. Maybe DD isnt' yet at that age to want everything she sees. I tried not to judge the parent in the store (I work on being non judgemental everyday!) but I did a little for lying


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## shymama (Jun 24, 2007)

my kids don't really ask for much but they do like touching everything. ( I must ad we buy most toys 2nd hand) But when they ask for something when we are at a regular store i usually say no, and tell them they are for other kids. They seem to understand and don't ask again.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

How bizarre, no I have never done that.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I don't say outright NO too often. But I will say, let's make list of everything you like here for Christmas or your birthday! And I will join in the excitement of everything with her and try not to make her feel bad for _wanting_.

We actually went to the American Girl store in NYC yesterday and that was pretty much the scene--lots of oohing and ahhing and in the end her grandma bought her an outfit and later that night in bed she told about two things in the store that really made an impression on her.

With my DD, at 5, I'm not really sure that it's actually that she wants me to BUY everything for her, or that she really needs to have all those things--I think it's more that she wants to express enthusiasm and asking for me to buy it is her way of getting my attention. Last week we were at the Disney store in the mall (yuck) and I told her we were just there to look, and she was ok with that. But if she picks something up and wants it, I don't turn it into "no", I respond with "not now".


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Errr, no. We explain to the guys that we're going into whatever store to get whatever item and that's it. Oldest might comment on things he might like for his birthday or whatever, and sometimes I've had to wrestle 2 year old out of there kicking and screaming, but all in all, they know that they don't get to pile things in the cart and they will be bought.


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## staceychev (Mar 5, 2005)

That's really weird, and kind of sad to me. I have, however, told DD that we might come back to a store to get it another day, but that one's bitten me in the tush, since she's got a mind like a steel trap. She still occasionally sees this crappy Tinkerbell hair and makeup set that we ran across over a year ago and will say, "Remember when we saw this at such and such store and you said...?" Or, she'll give me this elaborate explanation with "OK, we'll call this Target 'Target A" and the Target near Baba's house 'Target B,' and remember one time we were at 'Target B' and we saw the kit with the cape and the gloves and I didn't have enough money for it..."

Yikes.


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## lmk1 (Sep 21, 2007)

No, I never do that. What I do is let ds pick up something that he wants, and let him know he can hold it while we're in the store, but we have to put it back before we leave. I repeat a couple of times, so there's no misunderstanding "We are not going to buy it." I ask him if he wants to hold on to it for a little bit or wants to put it back right away, and he'll usually want to hold on to it. Then before we go to the cashier, we go back together, and he puts it away. So far, it's worked great, because we avoid having a power struggle, there are no tears usually, and he puts whatever it is back himself...it does mean an extra trip (and sometimes to a far away aisle like in Costco), but I don't feel like lying to my son would teach him anything...except that he can't trust my word.
He's about 2.75 and he does have a little "piggie" bank where he collects coins, and is familiar with the idea that he needs those coins to give to the cashier when he buys himself a toy (usually the cheap $1 cars).


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I call that "I'll deal with this later" parenting. I'll do or say something NOW that I know is going to come back on me later, but I'll worry about that some other time. And no, I don't do it. For one thing, it's kind of mean. It's breaking your child's trust and it's just asking for a MAJOR melt down later. It's just unfair all around.

In stores, my daughter loves loves LOVES to look at all the toys they have, she can't focus on one for wanting to make sure she gets to see all of them. She will sometimes ask for things, but we tell her to put that on her list of maybes for Christmas or birthday, or if we have a birthday party coming up for someone else we'll tell her to see which one that person might like. That seems to satisfy her impulse to interact with every single toy in the store.

It's actually my husband who has to be told no. He wants to buy everything she even sort of looks at and that's not practical, nor can we afford it, and we certainly don't have anyplace to put all that stuff.


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## Mama Mko (Jul 26, 2007)

I wouldn't do that. I just tell the kids "we're not buying toys today. We need to get blahblah" and then we do that.


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## simplemama32 (Jul 16, 2009)

That seems like a total betrayal of the child's trust. No, I would not do that to my DS.

I just wonder what the point is to the whole charade? What on earth is the mom going to do when her DD wants to go back to the store for the toys? Or maybe she's hoping the DD will just forget about them once they left?

On a positive (um, naive?) note...maybe she actually _was_ intending to come back later for the toys...?


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Ugh, no way.

One thing I do to defer the never-ending request for toys (thank you very much corporate America) is to tell DD to keep the toy in mind for when Grandma comes next month. Grandma loves to take DD to WalMart and let her pick out whatever she wants. I can't say I'm 100% thrilled with this, but whatever. But my point is, over the course of a month she might decide she wants 100 toys but she's willing to wait for Grandma and prioritize what she wants. She will probably come home with 5 or so toys.

It's not at all a lie, though it's a deferrment rather than a no. She's happy enough to wait, thankfully - especially because I remind her she can pick WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

Actually, it works for longer than a month. I started telling her this in May and Grandma doesn't come till end of August. LOL. But she knows this, no lies or deception involved.

I do sorta get how some kids just want what they see NOW and will forget about it by the time they get to the car. So this girl might have been like that. But even then, I wouldn't lie - I'd say "we'll discuss it" or "maybe next time" (MAYBE). Now that I think about it, I've used "maybe next time" plenty of times, with no intention of following through - but DD doesn't ever bring it up again. DD knows "maybe" is not "set in stone."

I even do that to myself... something in a store can be so tempting and you think it will, like, change your life if you have it. If I can tell myself "maybe next time" I can put it to the test. 99 out of 100 times I'll forget all about it. Maybe 1 time I might find myself continuing to think about it. So I might actually get it in that case. Next time. Maybe.


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## Owen'nZoe (Sep 7, 2005)

I can't really think of a time when I lied to my kids like that (for us, giving them an allowance from the time they are 3 works - I can always say, "Yes, if you have the money for it." Works great!) But I know I've made questionable parenting choices in public before to avoid subjecting innocent bystanders to my son's temper.

Who knows - maybe this is something the mom is working on with the child, and just couldn't deal with that day. If she tells the truth all the time, and lies once or twice about something small like this, I have a hard time believing that it will really damage the child's trust.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

DS is still kind of young, but I cannot ever picture myself doing that. What the heck? Why would I expect my kid to ever believe me ever again if I did that?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
I don't say outright NO too often. But I will say, let's make list of everything you like here for Christmas or your birthday! And I will join in the excitement of everything with her and try not to make her feel bad for _wanting_.

I like this. Thank you.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Another no way, no how would I do that. I like going to the local toy store with my kids, I think it's fun. But we don't get things most of the time. We play, we look, and then we put toys back with their "friends" on the shelf and go home.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplemama32* 
That seems like a total betrayal of the child's trust. No, I would not do that to my DS.

I just wonder what the point is to the whole charade? What on earth is the mom going to do when her DD wants to go back to the store for the toys? Or maybe she's hoping the DD will just forget about them once they left?

On a positive (um, naive?) note...maybe she actually _was_ intending to come back later for the toys...?

I kinda figure she doesn't want a scene in front of other people, and once they are at home, she won't mind saying no to her DD. But that's cynical of me, I know.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

No way. I think my kid is smarter than that. Total betrayal of trust, you know.


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## htcamommy (Sep 26, 2007)

My dd says the entire time " Oh, can I have that for my birthday/christmas" and I still say "we'll see, you can't have everything". Unless I tell her that we're buying her something as a reward for something she knows without asking the answer is NO! If I go into a toy store or down a toy aisle it is for a purpose and not just to look cause honestly I don't have time to just look at crap. I tell her what the purpose is "we have to buy a birthday present for Sara" and then go down the aisle. I don't understand that reasoning.
Now do I lie about somethings? Sure. Like, your gammy's really silly as oppossed to your gammy's off her rocker crazy.


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## hillymum (May 15, 2003)

I have never and would never do or say something like that. I want my son's to understand that when I say no I mean it and they aren't allowed to argue with me about it. I am also the parent who when I found one of my young children had put something in the bottom of the stroller I explained that they had stolen the item and needed to return it to the store manager and say sorry. It worked a treat and has not had to be done again!


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

That is horrifying! I would never in one million years do that. We need to have a strong bond of trust, and here's the finer point....even if there is no way the child is going to find out about something, I still won't lie, because of what it does inside of ME. In other words, when we start trafficking in trickery to manipulate our kids, it's a slippery slope. Not to mention how much it hurts the child. How is she supposed to believe her mother in the future?

Appalling.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

definitely not! from the time they're very young, i let them hold toys at the store and then say "time to put it back!" so they are taught early that we don't get everything we look at and we don't ask for things at the store. it seems to work quite nicely.

i wonder if that mom does that all the time???? what a pain in the butt, esp. for the cashier who has to put it all away.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

No. I definitely wouldn't do that, and never have.

I just say, "no - we're here to get a gift for J's party", or "well, you can put it on your list and ask for it for Christmas", or...whatever.

Honestly, my kids each get about 5-6 toys on their birthdays, and another 5-6 at Christmas. I don't think they need any more than that (that's more than enough, really). I may pick up another can of PlayDoh "each" (ie. they each pick a colour, but they'll be played with communally) once in a while, but that's about it.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

Yeah, that's not cool. It's one thing to do a "Maybe next time." where you have no intention of considering it next time. I would try not to do that, but I can at least understand that if the child just needs deflected until the toy is out of sight for a bit. I really appreciate all the other ideas in this thread though, I'm mentally taking note for when DD is older







and deferring it to a birthday or Christmas list is a great idea, I try to use that on DH now, but it rarely works


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

that's not only betraying the child's trust, but also making a total mess for the workers at the store to put back. that is positively rude!


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Just as a followup (since my earlier reply was about the lying to the kid, not the shopping dilemma)....for the first few years of my child's life, we treated toy stores more like museums. We would go to them with the objective of playing with and looking at the toys, and we'd always just put them back on the shelf. I made a point of never letting him SEE me buy a toy. (except at yard sales) That's an important point. For years, he just never made the connection! The store was a place to have fun, and I'd let him carry and play with toys in the cart while I shopped, but then we'd just put them back and it was never a problem because he didn't know there was another option! LOL!!!! I saved myself a lot of trouble this way. Obviously now that he is 7, those days are gone, and we do have our challenges. But now he has an allowance so he's told he can save up for the smaller toys, and with the bigger ones, we just acknowledge that we can add them to his "wish list" for the holidays. Usually by the time that holiday rolls around, he has a totally new set of interests anyway.


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## LittleBattleAxe (May 21, 2010)

Oh dear. I don't understand why parents are fearful of telling their children "no." My children get gifts for birthday and Christmas. When their grandparents visit, they get gifts from them. That's it. I'm certainly not going to toss a toy into my shopping cart every time we go to Target; we would very much like for our children to grow up to be financially responsible and at a very young age have taught them about saving and budgeting.

I've been in a toystore with my children while shopping for a gift and when they ask, I tell them, "No." I actually tell them long before we get to the store, "We are at the toystore to buy something for J's party. Please do not ask me to buy you any toys." They have opportunities to earn money at home and may spend their money on what they wish.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

no i dont, and i cant imagine any mom here on MDC saying they would do the same as that parent.

actually neither would i find a parent here on MDC saying they lie to their children.


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LittleBattleAxe* 
Oh dear. I don't understand why parents are fearful of telling their children "no." .

I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

With my guy, admittedly my tactic (above) of just never buying toys with him accomplished one thing--it made it easier on me. I never had to field the requests, respond to tantrums, whatever. But on the other hand it had another benefit. I was also teaching him something that is important to us to this day (now that he's old enough & we discuss things together), and that is: just because it's fun, or adorable, or we like it, or it's even useful, or even a bargain, does NOT mean we have to OWN it. We don't have to OWN everything that we like. We can enjoy it in the moment and put it back. This is very important, as I am teaching him our family values of not being rampantly consumeristic.

He sees me picking up things that I want, but that either I don't need, can't afford, don't have space for, etc., and he sees me putting them back on the rack. Same principles apply to him.

The point is that he learned early on that we don't need to OWN everything that we enjoy. Some stuff can just stay at the store.

In the original post, I wonder if that mom had been one of those who doesn't deny herself frivolous impulse purchases and buys herself lots of "toys" and maybe saying No to her child asking for the same thing puts uncomfortable pressure on her knowledge of that practice.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I repeat.

I think what the mom did is a bad idea. Kids are not stupid. They will figure out that you are lying to them and learn not to trust you.

In addition to that, the mom just created a bunch of work for the employee who now has to re-shelve all those toys simply because she couldn't be an adult and be honest with her kid. I've worked retail and would have been highly annoyed with someone who pulled that.

On a similar note, while eating lunch w/ dd yesterday I saw a mom tell her kids that some of the sodas were out of order and they could only choose between these 2. (sprite or lemonade). Nothing was out of order. I assume she wanted to keep them away from the caffeine. It rubbed me the wrong way.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristyDi* 
On a similar note, while eating lunch w/ dd yesterday I saw a mom tell her kids that some of the sodas were out of order and they could only choose between these 2. (sprite or lemonade). Nothing was out of order. I assume she wanted to keep them away from the caffeine. It rubbed me the wrong way.

The other thing that drives me nuts about this kind of scenario is that kids don't learn anything! I _very_ occasionally let my kids have a pop in a restaurant or something. I have no problem with saying simply that they can't have Coke/Pepsi, because those contain caffeine, so if they'd like a root beer or Sprit/7Up, they can have that. I want them to learn _why_ I do things, and make the choices I make, not just lay down the law. I'm supposed to be teaching them!


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

I would NEVER do that, but I know a mom who does. It makes me cringe









(when I take her kid with me, she'll ask for things, I'll tell her that we're not buying whatever it is and she'll say 'otay'... saying no works, if the mom would only try it







)


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

I used to make plain water in a Popsicle mold and call it a "plain Popsicle" (it was just ice)

I call soda "coffee" (actually ds started that, the first time he saw me drinking soda he thought it was iced coffee)

I pretend I don't know who "Dora" is and say "Door, whose this Door person? Do they go to your school?" When kids talk about Buzz Lightyear and I say things like "Is he an astronaut? I don't know anything about that." Even though I am well aware of who Dora is and I also have seen Toy Story 1, but I don't want to have a long conversation about those things, nor do I want ds to ask to watch them and therefore I act like I have no idea what he is talking about. I also call the Thomas the Tank puzzles at school, "That train with the face puzzle" (I'm pretty sure he thinks its the little engine that could anyway)

I tell him I don't have any money for xyz, when in fact there is money in my pocket and if I really wanted xyz we could often swing it financially

I tell him "kids aren't allowed to..." about things that other kids probably are allowed to do, just not my kid

Sometimes I tell him I'm going to a meeting instead of telling him I'm going to a party or to see our housemate in a dance performance or to have a drink with a friend

Often I tell him I have "a lot of work to do" and that is why I can't stay at school with him all day, but this summer I'm not in class and don't have always have a lot of work to do, sometimes I just want to play on the internet and relax.

So yes, I am not always truthful. But I can't imagine telling him that I was going to pick up a cart-full of toys later (although I never go into toy stores) Well, I think I have told him something "wasn't for sale" at a Target before "Sorry ds we can't buy that its just for looking at"


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## c'est moi (Sep 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tbone_kneegrabber* 
I used to make plain water in a Popsicle mold and call it a "plain Popsicle" (it was just ice)

I call soda "coffee" (actually ds started that, the first time he saw me drinking soda he thought it was iced coffee)

I pretend I don't know who "Dora" is and say "Door, whose this Door person? Do they go to your school?" When kids talk about Buzz Lightyear and I say things like "Is he an astronaut? I don't know anything about that." Even though I am well aware of who Dora is and I also have seen Toy Story 1, but I don't want to have a long conversation about those things, nor do I want ds to ask to watch them and therefore I act like I have no idea what he is talking about. I also call the Thomas the Tank puzzles at school, "That train with the face puzzle" (I'm pretty sure he thinks its the little engine that could anyway)

I tell him I don't have any money for xyz, when in fact there is money in my pocket and if I really wanted xyz we could often swing it financially

I tell him "kids aren't allowed to..." about things that other kids probably are allowed to do, just not my kid

Sometimes I tell him I'm going to a meeting instead of telling him I'm going to a party or to see our housemate in a dance performance or to have a drink with a friend

Often I tell him I have "a lot of work to do" and that is why I can't stay at school with him all day, but this summer I'm not in class and don't have always have a lot of work to do, sometimes I just want to play on the internet and relax.

So yes, I am not always truthful. But I can't imagine telling him that I was going to pick up a cart-full of toys later (although I never go into toy stores) Well, I think I have told him something "wasn't for sale" at a Target before "Sorry ds we can't buy that its just for looking at"

i tell things like this to my daughter. i get her to eat sliced up carrots by calling them chips. i mean i do say they are carrot chips, but they kind of look like chips. there are lots of veggies that have creative names in our household.

while i don't think i would do that to my daughter for many/most of the same reasons as previous posters, i am always hesitant to judge parents in public. never know what their morning, week, or month has been like. additionally, i know plenty of devoted AP parents who sometimes in times of hardship, difficulty, exasperation, whatever do very un-AP things. i think we've all been there. doesn't sound like this woman was stressed by the description, but you just never know.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

I haven't ever done anything like that, but I did on occasion tell her that McDonalds was out of cheeseburgers or Walmart was out of a particular toy, because yeah, it was easier than trying to negotiate any sort of deal with her regarding stoping another day and much easier than dealing with the whine and fit when telling her no. It wasn't that I never said no, and most of the time, if I didn't want her to have it, I did just tell her no.


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

tbone,

this quote _"I tell him "kids aren't allowed to..." about things that other kids probably are allowed to do, just not my kid"_

....this will cause you to lose credibility with him, won't it? Why not just say "we don't do that in our house" or "I don't allow you to do that, because it's bad for you and it's my job to protect you from things that I think will harm you." That is what I do when we get the "other kids do it" argument.

And when you tell him that you have a lot of work to do instead of actually telling him the truth that you want to rest and relax, or go out with friends, you are denying him the opportunity to see you meet your own needs. The implication being that you needing to relax or want to have fun with other adults is not enough...you have to appeal to some other "out there" (outside of you) authority, like "work to do" or a "meeting". He needs to know you are a human being with needs outside of motherhood, right? He will need to know how to set good boundaries for himself in the future. No excuses needed.

But on the other hand I thought the "plain popsicle" idea was pretty creative. Because it's true. Doesn't get much plainer than that!


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

With my guy, admittedly my tactic (above) of just never buying toys with him accomplished one thing--it made it easier on me. I never had to field the requests, respond to tantrums, whatever. But on the other hand it had another benefit. I was also teaching him something that is important to us to this day (now that he's old enough & we discuss things together), and that is: just because it's fun, or adorable, or we like it, or it's even useful, or even a bargain, does NOT mean we have to OWN it. We don't have to OWN everything that we like. We can enjoy it in the moment and put it back. This is very important, as I am teaching him our family values of not being rampantly consumeristic.

He sees me picking up things that I want, but that either I don't need, can't afford, don't have space for, etc., and he sees me putting them back on the rack. Same principles apply to him.

The point is that he learned early on that we don't need to OWN everything that we enjoy. Some stuff can just stay at the store.

In the original post, I wonder if that mom had been one of those who doesn't deny herself frivolous impulse purchases and buys herself lots of "toys" and maybe saying No to her child asking for the same thing puts uncomfortable pressure on her knowledge of that practice.

Hmmm...I'm not sure I buy this. We're not rich by any stretch, but we're reasonably comfortable. We sometimes buy things for ourselves "just because" and we sometimes buy things for dd "just because." That doesn't mean that she has the expectation that she'll get something every time we go to a toy store, nor does it mean I feel any guilt about saying "no." I also don't feel any guilt about saying "yes"! We CAN buy things "frivolously" and, you know what? Sometimes it's fun to just buy your kid a present for no reason.

That doesn't mean we're raising a child with an entitlement complex. We've never had any problems with tantrums or whining to buy stuff in the toy store. Dd simply knows that sometimes she might get something and sometimes not--just as we know it ourselves.

That said, like everyone else, I think what the mom did in the OP is really awful. But we don't lie to our kid, period.


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## grumpybear (Oct 5, 2006)

No. That's a slippery slope I don't want to be in.
What happens when my kid asks for it "later"?
We handle store trips by letting him hold a toy and playing with/looking at it for the duration of the trip with the understanding that it is not to be bought and should be returned before we check out.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

I think I ♥ you, Nellie


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LittleBattleAxe* 
Oh dear. I don't understand why parents are fearful of telling their children "no." .

I don't either. Yes, sometimes they tantrum. But how else are they going to learn that they can have a want and survive not having it filled. I still want the 5 ft tall stuffed dog that I coveted as a 6 year old, but realize how utterly impractical and too expensive it was for my family. I survived.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
The other thing that drives me nuts about this kind of scenario is that kids don't learn anything! I _very_ occasionally let my kids have a pop in a restaurant or something. I have no problem with saying simply that they can't have Coke/Pepsi, because those contain caffeine, so if they'd like a root beer or Sprit/7Up, they can have that. I want them to learn _why_ I do things, and make the choices I make, not just lay down the law. I'm supposed to be teaching them!

Yes, our kids know that if we get pop at a restaurant that they have to choose something without caffeine. We control the amount of pop they drink by going out to eat very infrequently.

Careful with root beer though - Coke's root beer (Barqs?) has caffeine! My kids were highly disappointed when they found they couldn't drink that kind.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
actually neither would i find a parent here on MDC saying they lie to their children.

I wouldn't go that far. I have lied to my kids. Mostly it's to relieve anxiety. Sometimes my kids just need to hear "no, that's not going to happen" so they can feel safe. Reality is, I don't know that it's not going to happen, but I know that it is highly unlikely. The chances of us being attacked by a bobcat while at a resort in Southern Minnesota? Very slim. Hence it made more sense for me to say 'there are no bobcats around here' than it did to explain the highly improbably nature of an attack to my 6 year old. She can't yet distinguish between degrees of likelihood and would have spent all weekend obsessing. Our 9 year old can, so we can be more honest with him.


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## SashaBreeze (Apr 18, 2009)

Hmmm...

First I have to totally agree with what several PP have said about the extra work for the people working there. My dh works in retail and I can assure you that if a parent did this to him he would be livid and probably want to tell her to go put the stuff back up herself. I just would really consider doing something like that really inconsiderate to the employees, not even counting how wrong it was to the little girl.

It is our policy in our house that we do not lie to our kids. If we lie to them then how can we ever expect them to believe us, especially about things that are not easily seen? Or in that same frame of thought how can we expect them to tell us the truth when we do not extend that same courtesy to them?

That being said I dont know the woman and I dont know what her day was like. Maybe just maybe she really was coming back like a PP said, long shot but maybe. Or maybe the mom knew in her heart that she just did not have one more power struggle left in her that day.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristyDi* 
I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I repeat.

I think what the mom did is a bad idea. Kids are not stupid. They will figure out that you are lying to them and learn not to trust you.

In addition to that, the mom just created a bunch of work for the employee who now has to re-shelve all those toys simply because she couldn't be an adult and be honest with her kid. I've worked retail and would have been highly annoyed with someone who pulled that.

On a similar note, while eating lunch w/ dd yesterday I saw a mom tell her kids that some of the sodas were out of order and they could only choose between these 2. (sprite or lemonade). Nothing was out of order. I assume she wanted to keep them away from the caffeine. It rubbed me the wrong way.

A lot of parents who haven't disciplined their children and let them do whatever they want and have whatever they want, have a hard time being the parent. They sometimes wait until the child is older to start setting rules. It sounds liek that may have been the case with the mom who claimed the soda was out of order. Just say they can't have it.

I once witnessed a little girl beg her for an Entemann's cake. THe mom said no. She had a full on toddler tantrum except this little girl looked to be about 8. After she screamed, cried and told her mother what a mean person she was she told her daughter to go get the cake. Tears stopped in an instant


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Yesterday a little girl whined to her mom about buying her this and that at the toy store. She picked up everything she wanted and threw it in the shopping cart. When they got to the register the mother told the cashier to please hold the toys for her daughter as they would be picking them up later and winked at the cashier. She paid for her other items and told the little girl they would come back later to get them.

Do you do this with your children? When I was a child my mother would just tell me no, you can't have that or "we're not buying that today." and that was it.

I'm just curious to see if other parents are doing this with their kids to avoid paying for items.

Wow







That sounds like a cruel thing to do to a child. It's hard to say "no" and I've dealt with many tantrums (been kicked, deafened, bitten and scratched in the process) in the store and I just don't think I'd do that, even to avoid a horrible tantrum. But, like others said, we don't know her or the situation. Maybe her child vomits uncontrollably at the word "no." Who knows?


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

With my guy, admittedly my tactic (above) of just never buying toys with him accomplished one thing--it made it easier on me. I never had to field the requests, respond to tantrums, whatever. But on the other hand it had another benefit. I was also teaching him something that is important to us to this day (now that he's old enough & we discuss things together), and that is: just because it's fun, or adorable, or we like it, or it's even useful, or even a bargain, does NOT mean we have to OWN it. We don't have to OWN everything that we like. We can enjoy it in the moment and put it back. This is very important, as I am teaching him our family values of not being rampantly consumeristic.

He sees me picking up things that I want, but that either I don't need, can't afford, don't have space for, etc., and he sees me putting them back on the rack. Same principles apply to him.

The point is that he learned early on that we don't need to OWN everything that we enjoy. Some stuff can just stay at the store.

This is us....totally.

I always talk through purchases (pros/cons) with mine and about saving the cash for something rather than buying on impulse.

That's not to say that we don't buy ANYTHING on impulse....it's just far and few between and I make a point to let him know it's because we have a little extra cash that we saved from something else.

I would never, never, never, never pretend that we're coming back for something that we weren't absolutely coming back for. No way in heck do I want my child to not trust what I say.

I'm also very light with the "I promise I will..." because I need him to know that when I promise something it will happen come hell or high waters!!
Sometimes he just hears, "I'm sorry. I can't promise that will happen."
He sulks, but at least he knows I'm honest.

I have intense trust issues and want my son to be able to trust the words that come out of my mouth and the actions he sees everyday! Especially with all the turbulance he's been through in his short little life!

ETA: Yeah, I wouldn't say that I haven't EVER lied to my kid....that would make me a liar! Lol.


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## TnMsMama (Jul 12, 2010)

I think that woman did was BEYOND lying into evil. Just plain mean.

I do lie to my kids - my son gets anxious and asks "Will the world end?" and instead of "well probably not" or "not in your lifetime" he needs a flat out NO.

I like the "grandma's silly" instead of "gramma's a nutjob" comment from a PP - that's how we do it, too.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
See, that's my thinking. I asked DH what he thought about this and he told me he's against it and hearing the no once in a while isn't a bad thing growing up. I don't like the idea of lying.

I've been fortunate. Maybe DD isnt' yet at that age to want everything she sees. I tried not to judge the parent in the store (I work on being non judgemental everyday!) but I did a little for lying









I also think it's kind of crappy to make the employees put everything back.


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## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristyDi* 
In addition to that, the mom just created a bunch of work for the employee who now has to re-shelve all those toys simply because she couldn't be an adult and be honest with her kid. I've worked retail and would have been highly annoyed with someone who pulled that.


I thought the same thing! Even when I let my kids hold something while we're in the store, I don't make the employees put it back when we leave.


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

It seems like the tantrum at home when the girl realizes they aren't going back to get her stuff would be more trouble than just telling her "no" at the store. What a weird way to handle the situation.

I once told my DS that yogurt was "refrigerator ice cream". I guess that would count as a lie...


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

No, I wouldn't do something like, but then again I would not let my kid play with a toy off the shelf without fully intending in buying it.

I really try not to judge because who knows what her day was like and stuff like that.

Working in retail I always hated it when parents would give their kids toys to play with throughout the store and not intend to buy it. Half the time when it was a little kid we would get it back all slobbery and just gross. Or they would put it back on the shelf and it would be all gross as well.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Careful with root beer though - Coke's root beer (Barqs?) has caffeine! My kids were highly disappointed when they found they couldn't drink that kind.

It also has like 4 times the carbonation of a normal soda and tastes like seltzer. If they ask for it again, tell them that the manufacturer is wrong to call anything that tastes as bad as Barq's "root beer".


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Yes, I lie....would I do that...no way.
I would say "maybe one day" (knowing that likely that won't happen).
WE do buy frivolous things....for all of us and for no particular reason other than we want it. I take DS to Toys R Us (one a 5 min drive away) just to look....and often we get something....not everything. Heck for hubby's birthday bash (that lasts a week long and friends from all over come to) he spent $1500 on Nerf. Did he need it? No. Does it have a purpose beyond fun? No. Did he want it? Yes. Did we have a blast? YES!
Plus I am of the mind...if you have no intention of buying it then don't carry it around with you. DS knows you don't play with the toys in there until we have paid for them....just like you don't eat the food in a grocery store until they have been paid for.
AS for pop ds calls it candy drink and candy is only for Saturdays in our house. He also knows that the only "candy drink" he can have is ginger ale or iced tea.


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## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Hmmm, I'm interested in the people who are of the opinion that you shouldn't carry something around in a store unless you're planning on buying it. Is this just because your child will mess up the packaging like one poster commented, or is there some other reason that I'm missing?

I only ask because when I'm shopping for clothes or toys with my kids we often do just that. Not so much so my kids can "have" something in the store, but if they are picking something out a lot of times they want to mull over the decision. Having the toy in the cart is easier than going back and forth in a busy toy store while they decide which one they want. I've never put a toy back on a shelf in less than pristine condition, but my kids are older. I'd have a big problem if one of the slobbered on something!









I was thinking about this topic today, and I think we have to make a distinction here. LYING to our kids is not necessarily bad. BREAKING A PROMISE is different. In this case we assume that the mom in the OP is going to break the promise of coming back for the toys. If the mom had said, "maybe later" to those toys, she may have known she was lying and never going to get them, but when she didn't get the toys she wouldn't have been breaking a promise.

But we are all assuming the worst in this scenario. Maybe the mom DID come back and buy all those toys. Then maybe when they go back later and the toys aren't there she tells the kid that Santa came and picked them up for Christmas. Then on Christmas morning the kid wakes up to all the toys that he picked!









But ya know, maybe not...


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I always tell ds before we go in that we are there to get ______ and nothing else. If he says he wants something I remind him of our goal. (this applies for all stores, not just the toy store)

Sometimes he likes to hold a toy while we look for whatever we are supposed to be getting, and I let him, but I have HIM put it back before we go to the checkout. He is totally fine with that, I dunno how well that would go over with other kids though!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Sometimes I do lie, but I would never tell my dd that I would get her something or do something with or for her without intending to do it or with the intention of linking it to behavior and pulling back on it, not for any reason. That is just cruel. It may be though that the mom really did come back for those things or that they talked about not being able to get them until a later date and the only way the mom could get out of the store without an all out tantrum was to let her take them up to the front and ask the clerk to save them. There have been days when I would do almost anything to not have to put up with a tantrum so I can understand letting a child bring toys to the front even if you and your child understand that later is going to be next month when there is money for those things.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

If it's not an excessive amount of toys, I would be willing to let DD put stuff on hold and bring her back later with her own money. I wouldn't be winking at the cashier though. I might know full well that DD doesn't have enough for everything she says she wants, but why fight that battle then?

Unless it's a ridiculous number of toys, or the store is really small and understaffed, or doesn't hold things, then I don't think it's a problem asking them to hold 5 items until we come back even if I think we'll only buy 1-2 rather than all 5. With money in hand we can determine which ones and look at the math. Yes, then the employees have to put away the others, but frankly, I think that's part and parcel of their job working in a toy store, assisting customers, standard restocking, provided it's a reasonable number of toys and not a literal pile.

I usually let DD take digital photos of stuff she wants instead, and then it's actually much easier for DH or I to pick up surprise gifts or holiday gifts and know which particular one of a set DD liked most.


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

As far as the worker in the store, I've also worked retail. I would be annoyed at being asked to put a bunch of stuff back. BUT I'd rather they give it to me and ask me to put it back than set it down in some random area of the store.

Its much easier to put something back in its proper place if they just give it to you than if you find a bunch of stuff in the wrong place while your trying to do something else- its also annoying for inventory purposes and to other customers. If someone puts Barbie away behind a stack of hotwheels, and later that day someone else comes asking me for Barbie, and we have none on the shelf, you can bet I'll be annoyed when I later discover barbie shoved behind other toys in the wrong location. I hate reorganizing shelves after customers make a mess and hide items they don't want where they don't belong. I don't mind putting back a small number of items that they give me. At least then they're put away neatly and in the right location.

The other thing I'm not sure folks realize is that 99% of the time, when someone says "Hold these items for me, I'll be back" they NEVER return. Its particularly annoying when its a cart full of stuff at the beginning of your shift, because then not only do you have to put the cartfull back, but you have to work around it all day, and frankly, the register area isn't that big and we get in trouble for having too much stuff up there. Whats more annoying is when the cart also contains the last item of something you have in stock, and other customers want it. I'd rather you ust made a mental list of what you want, and then fill the cart up when you actually do get back. Or, give me a timeline- I have to run to the bank, I should be back to pick this stuff up by noon. Then if 2pm rolls around and you're not there, I have no problem reshelving the stuff and getting it out of my way.

As far as the OP's scenario, as a cashier, this would have confused the heck out of me. Does a wink mean she won't be back? Does a wink mean she will be back, but that the toys are going to be from "Santa" or some other toy-bringing character their child doesn't know about? I would have spent all day wondering what that wink meant.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oubliette8* 
as a cashier, this would have confused the heck out of me. Does a wink mean she won't be back? Does a wink mean she will be back, but that the toys are going to be from "Santa" or some other toy-bringing character their child doesn't know about? I would have spent all day wondering what that wink meant.

I'm sorry, but for some reason the mental image of this made me LMAO









Maybe it's the beer, maybe it's my anxiety..


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Hmmmm. I thought I was going to come here and say I don't lie and I never lie to my child, but then I realized that I do. I've told her that pop is an adult drink because I don't want her to have it. It comes up very rarely and neither DH or I drink it, but occasionally we'll have guests who do. I guess it's just a lie of convenience because she has no problem accepting that she doesn't get beer or coffee, but juice and iced tea used to be an issue. Now we have a junk food policy that we set together at a family meeting, which cuts the whining dramatically, so maybe at some point I should explain that it's just junk food, really bad junk food. Sigh. Why did I choose to parent the hard way???

Another lie I've told: babies don't watch TV. Our baby doesn't. Ooops. Possibly I should rectify this one before they go to the day home in December. Thanks for the heads up.


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## ThisCat (Jun 19, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
With money in hand we can determine which ones and look at the math. Yes, then the employees have to put away the others, but frankly, I think that's part and parcel of their job working in a toy store, assisting customers, standard restocking, provided it's a reasonable number of toys and not a literal pile.

As someone who worked retail for many years, I completely agree. Part of my job was putting merchandise away that customers didn't buy. Being annoyed by it would be like being annoyed that I had to ring customers up or answer their questions or show them where stuff was.

From customer service standpoint, if letting her daughter put a few extra toys in the cart made this lady's shopping experience easier and allowed her to pick out some items she actually was going to buy, then great. I'm sure the store owner/manager would agree.

From a parenting standpoint, if she really had no intention of ever coming back for the items, well that's probably not so great. If this is an everyday kind of thing, it will probably come back to bite her on the bum eventually although it seemed to still be working at the time since the kid didn't say "hey you said that last time." But who knows what was going in their lives that day. Maybe it was a one off thing to get them through a tough time. I'm sure I've made some decisions while we're out in public that some random stranger who didn't have any background might have thought were ridiculous.

As to lying to my kids, sure I've lied or at least stretched the truth, although it doesn't happen often. I really do try to be honest with them and only lie when I'm caught off guard or just being silly to save my sanity. I recall telling my daughter once a long time ago that a dead animal on the side of the road was just sleeping. I've also jokingly told her that certain things are against the law like crossing the street without holding hands or putting a dirty sweaty kid to bed without a bath. At nearly five now, she usually knows when I'm full of it though.


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## Angela512 (Dec 22, 2007)

I just tell my kids that they need to add whatever they want to their birthday/christmas list. I also tell them, "I don't have enough money right now to buy this. But, maybe next week, we can get it!" If they remember that toy in a week (I hardly ever take them down the toy section) then I'll consider purchasing it...but usually, they totally forget. I do have to say, not having regular TV (we don't get any channels, just a TV for mommy-approved movies) helps as they are not being inundated with commercials of everything that they must have right now to make them happy, popular, etc.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nina_yyc* 
Hmmmm. I thought I was going to come here and say I don't lie and I never lie to my child, but then I realized that I do. I've told her that pop is an adult drink because I don't want her to have it. It comes up very rarely and neither DH or I drink it, but occasionally we'll have guests who do. I guess it's just a lie of convenience because she has no problem accepting that she doesn't get beer or coffee, but juice and iced tea used to be an issue. Now we have a junk food policy that we set together at a family meeting, which cuts the whining dramatically, so maybe at some point I should explain that it's just junk food, really bad junk food. Sigh. Why did I choose to parent the hard way???

Another lie I've told: babies don't watch TV. Our baby doesn't. Ooops. Possibly I should rectify this one before they go to the day home in December. Thanks for the heads up.


Your post made me laugh because in the household where I was raised soda _is_ an adult drink and babies don't watch tv. I don't think those are lies. It's true based on how you choose to run your household


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I was thinking about this question and I wonder if it has to do with discomfort at their own hypocrisy. What I mean is, if the parent can reach out and grab any impulse purchase that they want, and if they are the kind who is constantly buying themselves "toys," but the kid cannot, there's a bit of a double standard there.

.

I agree with this, and so I don't buy things for myself that I don't need unless we all can have a treat that we don't need that day. I think that's fair. Actually, I don't tend to even go to the mall without a plan to buy something that we don't need. But if we do for some reason go and look at toys and not buy something, then I just say "you can play with it while we are here but we aren't going to buy it" and that's never failed me, nor has it caused any uproar out of my 2 year old. he just says "okay" and then that's that.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lmk1* 
No, I never do that. What I do is let ds pick up something that he wants, and let him know he can hold it while we're in the store, but we have to put it back before we leave. I repeat a couple of times, so there's no misunderstanding "We are not going to buy it." I ask him if he wants to hold on to it for a little bit or wants to put it back right away, and he'll usually want to hold on to it. Then before we go to the cashier, we go back together, and he puts it away. So far, it's worked great, because we avoid having a power struggle, there are no tears usually, and he puts whatever it is back himself...it does mean an extra trip (and sometimes to a far away aisle like in Costco), but I don't feel like lying to my son would teach him anything...except that he can't trust my word.
He's about 2.75 and he does have a little "piggie" bank where he collects coins, and is familiar with the idea that he needs those coins to give to the cashier when he buys himself a toy (usually the cheap $1 cars).

This is exactly what we've been doing. So far it's working.

FWIW, I think the scenario the OP posted is awful. What kind of lessons is that little girl going to learn? Definitely not limits or patience or planning or the value of money...I'm just imagining the lack of trust that's going to develop when this little girl figures it out. Yikes! I'd rather DS throw a tantrum in the store than have to unlearn bad habits and trust issues.


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## ashleyhaugh (Jun 23, 2005)

that would never work for my ds... we go to sun harvest ( a natural foods store) to get his dairy free cheese, and he fell in love with the melissa and doug barn- i told him we'd get it with my tax money. he was just shy of 2.5 then...

the next time we went tosun harvest was 3-4 months later, and the first thing he said when we pulled into the parking lot was " i get my animal house from sun harvest!!!"







i had totally forgotten about it by that point


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Before I read the OP, I thought I was going to come on here and admit that yes, I do lie to my son. Little white lies, here and there, b/c it's easier than having to fight or explain that we can't do something at a particular moment while we're out. (Like, there's no place around here to buy French fries for lunch, so we'll have to go home and have a delicious lunch there, instead or we don't have time (where we COULD, but I prefer not to have time)... kind of lies.)

But what the OP describes is much more contrived and rude to the people at the store who then have to restock an entire shopping cart just b/c this woman refuses to have any authority over her kids. I'm not a "show 'em who's boss" kind of person, but ultimately she is the decision-maker about those types of things and she needs to make it clear, instead of expecting a stranger to do the dirty work for her.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

My sister had a tendancy to say "_later_" to requests then never ever get back to the thing she said "_later_" about. The result of this was a child who always had a temper tantrum saying "_no now! *NOW!*_" whenever any one told him something would happen later.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
Hmmm, I'm interested in the people who are of the opinion that you shouldn't carry something around in a store unless you're planning on buying it. Is this just because your child will mess up the packaging like one poster commented, or is there some other reason that I'm missing?

I only ask because when I'm shopping for clothes or toys with my kids we often do just that. Not so much so my kids can "have" something in the store, but if they are picking something out a lot of times they want to mull over the decision. Having the toy in the cart is easier than going back and forth in a busy toy store while they decide which one they want. I've never put a toy back on a shelf in less than pristine condition, but my kids are older. I'd have a big problem if one of the slobbered on something!









I don't let DS _play_ with toys at the store. I do let him look at and think about possible purchases though. I've actually been encouraging him to be a wiser consumer and to think over possible purchases more carefully and not just grab the first thing from the shelf that strikes his fancy.

Last week we were at a shop where GP offered to get DS a souvenir (we were on a trip.) DS and I took five or six items off the shelf to consider, I didn't let him open the boxes (he wanted to) and we put the rejected items back where they had come from.

A couple of days ago we were at the used book store to get a children's dictionary and the store owner pulled out 5 books knowing we would only be buying one. I looked through all 5 with DS. When we had selected the one we wanted I asked the owner what we should do with the rejects and he said to just leaves them on the couch (the shelf was over my head, b/c I'm short.)


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

no, that's inconsiderate because then the employees have to restock all that stuff. I just tell ds, "no." we rarely go to an actual toy store but I will often reward good behavior with a trinket from goodwill or dollar tree. the latest craze is silly bandz which works out since they are only a coulpe bucks a pack, but even then if I'm not buying it it doesnt go in the cart.

Plus I try to be more authentic than that....I will usually explain to ds why the answer is no. I will tell him, " I didn't bring enough money to buy that today," or "that's a big toy that we don't have room for." or simply "you have been getting a lot of new things lately and we already have enough." To me that is teaching him a life lesson vs. lying to placate him because it's the easy way out.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Besides being bizarre lie what a crappy thing to do the poor employees who have to clean up all that stuff!!!

My kids have never begged for stuff in a store. Probably because I have never given them the impression that we go into a store willy nilly and just buy stuff without planning to buy it first. I am not much of a shopper. Certainly not fun with kids in tow. but occasionally we will go into a store just to paw over all the things that we daydream about owning one day. The answer has always been "no, not today. You should save your money or put it on your birthday list." But they also don't see me loading up a cart with things I want (well, you know, things other than cheerios, toilet paper etc) so I don't think loading up a cart with things they want has ever really been something they would think to do. They know going in that unless we have discussed picking something out (and likely something specific) chances are nothing is coming out. they can tell me a million times "Oh my gosh this is so cool!!" and I will tell them what i think of such and such a toy or gadget. We talk about it but I do not mistake their enthusiasm for a request (I say stuff is cool all the time, it doesn't mean I want to part with money to own it . i just think it is cool.)


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## crowcaw (Jan 16, 2009)

My dds (4.75) never ever asked to buy stuff when we went into stores and I, of course, thought it was my good restrained example. Then this summer we needed some shorts and I took them so they could try on. Out of the blue it was "Can I have this?" about every sparkly shiny thing they saw. My answer was a "no, we came for shorts today," or "you can put it on a list to remember for when we need it" and there weren't any melt downs, but it was surprising to me.

Anyway, I try really hard not to lie to dds about even the little things or use white lies with others to make my life not realted to dds with them easier. You never know when or what they're going to figure out and a little lie to me might be a huge thing to them. I don't want to set that example


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

There are a lot of factors involved. How old is the little girl?

DS is still pretty young and distractable. I can't imagine telling the cashier we would be back later to pick up toys (intending it as an outright lie), but I can certainly imagine telling DS that we are not buying it now, and I could imagine telling DS if I would get something for his birthday/Christmas.

I do try to make a mental note of the things he likes at toy stores and such, so that we can get them as gifts or make suggestions when grandparents ask. Last year we let him spend half of the money that he received for Christmas, and I was not very surprised that he picked out a toy he had played with in the grocery store.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I always strive to give the truth to my kids. I expect nothing less form them. I honour every promise, and my word is my deed. Thats what i want to teach them too.

When it comes to the above situation, i explain why we cant get this toy *now*. I say, maybe we can get that one another time, or, i dont like that toy very much because it isnt good for your mind/soul/body/whatever....but if you really want it, lets think about it, and get it another time. etc etc.

Often my 2yo wants to hold toys, so i say, 'you can hold it, but we are not buying it today' .....

Maya


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

I just say we'll put that on your birthday/Christmas list.

I wouldn't lie like that.


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## Charrey (Jul 27, 2010)

I cannot think of one instance that I have blatantly lied to my three year old, other than Santa Claus and little silly things. Nothing that would break his trust in me.

I do not buy toys other than for holidays other than the occasional $1 puzzle, coloring book, and those are usually a reward and sometimes a bribe. When my son wants something in the store, I flat out say no. If it's something like a book, I let him hold onto it and look through it as we go through the store but take him put it back before we leave. It seem as if he recognizes that he really does not need the item after the initial appeal of it wears off before we are even out of the store.

I don't think it is wise to tell a child they are coming back for toys, because not only is lying to them breaking trust, but they are going to expect to get something on every trip to the store and everywhere else in life for no reason.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I'd never do that. I explain the reason why I won't buy the toy--too expensive, have enough stuff, poorly made, whatever. IMO lying just kicks the can down the road and I want to avoid a PIA whenever possible. I have a 5 and 2 y/o and that's worked for me so far.


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## MisaGoat (Jul 10, 2006)

No, I don't lie to my son. He is almost four and has a great memory. He has held me to my promises. Like when we ran out of cartoon bandaids, I told him he could pick out bandaids next time we went to the store, sure enough he remembered.

I tell him no if he can't have something. Usually phrased as "That isn't on our list" he is really big on lists right now and if I tell him everything we are getting at the store he reminds me. "we are here to get a present for ----" or "your birthday is soon, maybe for your birthday" -which has worked for the last few months. Etc. For his birthday there is only one item he has consistently wanted and it is in my closet.

I do tell him we don't have money for ice cream because the ice cream place is across from his preschool and only takes cash and honestly I don't usually have cash. Or I promise to take him on Friday, which I usually do.

The last meltdown we had was at Target picking out a present for his classmate's birthday party. I was not about to buy his friend a toy I wouldn't buy for my son. Like transformers or action figures from movies that he isn't allowed to watch. So his friend got what I thought was a cool Trio set that had a cement mixer. My son was carried out of the store crying. It happens sometimes.

I know certain things need to be set as a precedent. If I give in to my son on something, the next 10-20 times I try to uphold it, then it will be a battle. If I don't give in at first it usually isn't an issue later. Like standing on the shopping cart, not allowed.


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## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

MY best friend works at the Toys R Us near our hometown. I think that if someone did what the OP was describing she'd be pissed off. That's a whole extra cart of stuff to put away again for no reason. I get the peacekeeping part of it though...

We tell the girls "no" or "maybe next time" or something like that the few times we taken them in (usually for BFF's schedule or paycheck or something. Not actually shopping.)


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## barefootbabies (Jun 6, 2007)

I haven't read the whole thread, but that's definitely not something I'd do. I don't remember the last time we were in an actual toy store, but even at places with toys, my kids have always known they don't get to buy something all the time, not even most of the time. Actually, we only ever buy new toys for birthdays or Christmas, and then only if I can't find it in good shape secondhand. I'm cheap









I can actually remember a time we were with my aunt and younger cousins, and she asked if we could run into Walmart on the way home. She didn't mention it was b/c she had told her kids they could each pick out a new toy. I would have waited in the car, honestly. There was no way we could have afforded a new toy at that time. Anyway, my boys were 21 months, and just turned 3. While we walked around, my oldest kept saying "We're not buying that (insert toy he liked) today, sorry." Over and over. It was somewhat heartbreaking, but also, I admit, I was somewhat proud that he seemed to get it and be ok at such a young age.

Anyway, now that they're a bit older, we talk a good deal about money. They know we don't always have "toy money" because we need to use our money for other things. We do frequent flea markets and thrift stores, and occasionally we'll give them each $1 for something there. The oldest is 5 now, and I can only remember one tantrum from any of my kids (over a helicopter, that I then suggested to someone as a bday gift for him - guess how often he used it??







)


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

We have told our kids white lies. To cover up stuff like b-day presents.

What that mom did to that child was wrong and rude.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Quite simply, that scenario breaks two of our household rules:

If you promise, follow through.

and

Do your best not to create extra work for others.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
The other thing that drives me nuts about this kind of scenario is that kids don't learn anything! I _very_ occasionally let my kids have a pop in a restaurant or something. I have no problem with saying simply that they can't have Coke/Pepsi, because those contain caffeine, so if they'd like a root beer or Sprit/7Up, they can have that. I want them to learn _why_ I do things, and make the choices I make, not just lay down the law. I'm supposed to be teaching them!

Yeah, my son is 3.5yo and he's known about junk food since he was 2. He knows WHY he can't have beer, coffee, or soda. How can we expect them to make healthy choices if everything is always so arbitrary?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Hmmm...I'm not sure I buy this. We're not rich by any stretch, but we're reasonably comfortable. We sometimes buy things for ourselves "just because" and we sometimes buy things for dd "just because." That doesn't mean that she has the expectation that she'll get something every time we go to a toy store, nor does it mean I feel any guilt about saying "no." I also don't feel any guilt about saying "yes"! We CAN buy things "frivolously" and, you know what? Sometimes it's fun to just buy your kid a present for no reason.

That doesn't mean we're raising a child with an entitlement complex. We've never had any problems with tantrums or whining to buy stuff in the toy store. Dd simply knows that sometimes she might get something and sometimes not--just as we know it ourselves.

I agree with this. And this is also the reason that I rarely go in the toy store unless I have the intention of buying him something (so, not very often). We do "fun purchases" because _I_ like toys too, and I like having new things to play with with my kids.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
I wouldn't go that far. I have lied to my kids. Mostly it's to relieve anxiety. Sometimes my kids just need to hear "no, that's not going to happen" so they can feel safe. Reality is, I don't know that it's not going to happen, but I know that it is highly unlikely.

Yep, I do this too. I've told my kids they won't get struck by lightning and the scary guy at the store won't kidnap them, but my kids would never sleep if I told them the truth about those things.

I have also let my son believe things he's come up with on his own as well, like when I say "no" to something at the store and he comes up with his own reason why we can't have it, sometimes I just leave it at that, even if it's not quite the reason I had in mind.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
Hmmm, I'm interested in the people who are of the opinion that you shouldn't carry something around in a store unless you're planning on buying it. Is this just because your child will mess up the packaging like one poster commented, or is there some other reason that I'm missing?

Yeah, I'm sure it works okay for some people, but no matter how many times I tell my kid that we're not going to get something that he's holding on to, he still throws a raging tantrum when we have to put it back. For us, the reason not to carry it around is to not get attached to it.


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