# 28 weeks pregnant and fearing loss



## z-girl (Nov 28, 2001)

I hope it's ok to post here about pregnancy and fear of loss. I apologize if I'm offending anyone by posting here.

I have a DD and before her, had 3 miscarriages. I find myself, most of the time, feeling very positive about this pregnancy. I'm trying to figure out how to acknowledge and deal with some fears that I'm having though-- when I try to picture how it will be with the new baby here, I catch myself feeling like I shouldn't assume that the baby will be healthy and live. And I worry about how I'd explain it to DD (2+ years old) if the baby died.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I can deal with these nagging feelings in a constructive way?

Thanks so much.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I don't have any suggestions but I totally understand your fears. Hugs to you.
Gossamer


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## Mama2PudgyBunns (Mar 28, 2003)

I wish I had suggestions but I don't.

I do know what it's like to have nagging fears about pregnancy though. You'll be in my prayers. I do hope everything goes well for you.


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## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

(((HUGS))) I totally understand how you feel.

You have made it to 28 weeks with a healthy baby! That is a thing to rejoice in!

Wishing you all the best....

Blessings,
Anne-Marie


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## fullofhope (Apr 21, 2003)

Art! Draw or paint what you feel, what you see, what you worry over. Draw how you picture your baby, your family, and your fears. Draw without thinking, just whatever comes to mind. Art therapy has more uses than just children with nightmares! It won't make everything perfect, but it can help you picture your fears/hopes and that can help you face them and deal with them. I wish you all the best.


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## z-girl (Nov 28, 2001)

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'll try the art thing.

Here's where I can use some concrete help- what would I say to my 2.5 year old if something happened to the baby? How would we explain it? She's so excited to be a big sister?

Thanks!


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:

Here's where I can use some concrete help- what would I say to my 2.5 year old if something happened to the baby? How would we explain it? She's so excited to be a big sister?
Here is where i would say dont worry about that, and cross that bridge when you come to it.

Like alot of women here, i have suffered miscarriages, and then spent most of my pregnancies worrying constantly, checking my underwear for bleeding, counting fetal movements, you name it. However, all this worrying really doesnt prepare us for a loss that you are fearing, which would be fetal demise. i could think of a thousand ways to possibly break the horrid news, but why not focus on the joy you will share when your baby is born? why spend time going over scenarios that include your baby not making it, and having to tell her, when you could very well be dreaming of the day she is born?

terrible things can and do happen, i have read to many terrible stories here at MDC. but i honestly believe that you have an excellant chance of giving birth to a beautiful, gorgeous healthy baby. thats what you should be looking foward to. Maybe a little counseling might help, to get you over this hump.

warmly, Lisa


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## z-girl (Nov 28, 2001)

Lisa,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm optimisitic about it most of the time, but, honestly, the way that my crazy mind works best is if I'm fearing something, I need to work it all through before I can let go. If I had an idea of what I'd tell DD, then I could process it and move on. KWIM?

Focusing on the joy is easy for me, but I need to get the worry out of the way to really really enjoy the joy. Too many past hurts, I guess.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

We have a lot of posts on this in the little subforum to this forum. You might check it out.

It is so hard not to be frightened after having a loss. Maybe plan some activities or take up a craft to keep your mind busy, I know it is tough.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

I think it is normal that you would not have the expectation that with a pregnancy comes a healthy baby. Many of us who have experienced loss know all too well that a healthy, normal baby is a huge blessing, and though we try to enjoy every minute of our pregnancies, there remains little to none of the naivety about pregnancy that a woman who has never lost one can assume.

About explaining death to a toddler- we recently did this. Our daughter was born at 33 weeks and with a fatal condition that we found out about at 31 weeks. It actually was a gradual, not too difficult transition to make to go from explaining all about what the birth would be like, to explaining what has changed, why, and what would happen afterwards.

We had been planning a home birth, and so were doing things like watching videos of babies being born, reading picture books about it, etc. He loved the parts when the baby came out and was super excited for when "his" baby would be born. Well, none of that changed. In fact, I've never seen him happier than when his sister was born. He didn't even notice the obvious problems she had that meant she would not live long. He just loved her and was happy to see her and hold her. Once we knew we would lose our baby (before she was born), we also started adding on things like, we wouldn't have our baby with us for very long, our baby may not do things like nurse or cry, we'll have to say bye-bye to our baby, etc.

The lesson I'm getting to is to trust that whatever should happen in your pregnancy, good or bad, unexpected or not, you will know how to deal with it, and with your daughter when it presents itself.

Most likely you just have residual fear about losing this baby from your other losses. I imagine once you work through it all (it sounds like for you that means imagining the worst, figuring out how you'd deal with it, then saying good-bye to it), you will be able to truly enjoy your pregnancy. It may help you to go ahead and think of the thing you are most afraid of, imagine really dealing with it, and then take the confidence you gain in the process and leave the fear behind.

I hope your pregnancy is filled with happiness and much joy.


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## mamaMAMAma (Nov 20, 2001)

Very well said moonglowmama.

When I had my mc in May, dd (2 3/4) didn't even know I was pregnant. I was only 7 weeks along. However, she asked why mama was so sad. I told her, "Renunculus (baby's name) went bye bye and mama really misses her." She said "renunculus (thinking the flower) would come back next year" and gave me a kiss. In a way, life is all a cycle and DD is right in a sense. I really think children at this age would take in and digest what they can understand. If we are gentle to them, and only answer their specific questions and not go into too much details, they will absorb things in their own way. I think children can sense our emotions, and I really think its okay that we tell them the truth. Just my 2 cents...

z-girl - all that said. I think that being 29 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby is a wonderful sign. Please enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant and yes I do worry about this pregnancy. I'm definitely trying to enjoy this one as much as possible. Best of luck to you.


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## z-girl (Nov 28, 2001)

moonglowmama and mamaMAMAma,

Thanks for your responses, and so sorry for your losses. Not a fun club that we belong to! Your thoughts were right on- good food for thought. I feel like I have some work to do, but I can do it.

Moonglowmama, I especially like the reminder that I will know how to deal with whatever comes our way. Sounds like your family dealt with a tragic situation beautifully. Hugs to you.

And mamaMAMAma, best of luck to you in this pregnancy.

Phew! I feel better just getting this off my chest and hearing such supportive words! Thank you, deeply.


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