# my sister is losing her baby



## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

Dear mums,

I am writing to ask for advice. My sister, who I love dearly, is/was almost 10 weeks pregnant. She has been so excited. We have all been so excited. A few days ago she starting spotting a little. This morning she went to emerg to get checked. They did an ultrasound and said there was no heartbeat.
I just feel devastated and can't stop crying.

I want to say the 'right thing' to her, but I don't know what to say. I have two dc and I can't even imagine how much she must hurt. I guess I just wish this wasn't happening and that I could somehow make her pregnant again.

What can I do to help her? What should I avoid saying?

Thank you


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

There was an article on this in a recent (like, last two years) issue of Mothering and a checklist of what to say and what not to say. I don't remember the issue number but I found it very helpful.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I can suggest you avoid saying things like:
You can have another one. (She thought she could have this one)
This one just wasn't meant to be. (How do you know that)
There must have been something wrong for you to miscarry so early. (I don't care, I want my baby)
It's all in God's plan. (Then God has a horrid plan)
You have an angel in heaven. (I want a baby in my arms)

Things that might be helpful to say:
I'm sorry.
I wish you didn't have to go through this.
Love passes through the placenta as much as oxygen and your child knew how much you loved her/him
Hope these are helpful to you, and I am so sorry for your sisters loss.
Also, see if you can find a support group for women who have suffered a miscarriage or neonatal death. It could be very helpful for her.
Gossamer


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

I also sent flowers to someone who miscarried and she really appreciated it. The formality of that kind of acknowledgement made her feel better, she said, and I know I would have appreciated it when I was in that position. Too often it goes just sort of unrecognized because people don't know what to say or do.


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## butternut (Jan 3, 2004)

When I have lost my babies, I know I also appreciated getting flowers and cards. My mom sent me comfort items--teas, cookies, etc. I appreciated having my loss acknowledged as very real--that I had experienced a death. I agree with all the things Gossamer said NOT to say...although I remember months after my first mc my mother said to me the only way she could feel a sense of comfort in the loss (as it was very hard for her as well and brought up a lot of painful memories about her own m/c which occured at a time when no one said anything about them) was to think that my father--who is deceased--had a grandbaby of his own with him. I know that sounds corny, but at the time and even now, I found this very comforting. So I think that while Gossamer is right that your sister wants a baby here and not as an angel, this idea of your babies as angels can be comforting at some point. Maybe not right now. You know her better and what her beliefs may be.
Also, let her know how sad you are and how much of a loss it feels to you as well. That helps her remember how much this baby was wanted by all of you and how much this baby already was a part of your family and always will be. It is completely okay to say you do not know how she feels--because you don't. Let her talk or cry. Ask her what you can do. Maybe she has told a lot of people she was pregnant and you can be the one to tell them about the m/c for her if she wants.
Don't stop asking and caring after just a few weeks even if your sister seems "better." Most likely she won't be. If she gets pregnant again, be open to her fears and worries--let her talk about these with you. Acknowledge the baby's due date.
Your sister is lucky to have you.


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

Thank you - I love my sister and I loved the baby she would have had. I want to help her. I know she is in pain. I am so glad you all responded to my email. I do want to acknowledge her baby. I think I will send her a care package today. Thank you for all of the suggestions - unfortunately last night I said a few of the "to avoid" comments - today I will be better prepared.

Thank you - I still feel lost and so upset and so very sad, but at least I now have a few strategies to try and help Sarah with.

Emma

I just wanted to add one more thing - I really appreciate the strength of all of you - last night I read through many of the threads on this board. It made me cry more, but it also made me realise what an amazing group of women you are, and also, how strong you are. I have been so blessed to have my two babies and I just never really realised how absolutely painful losing a baby was. I am sorry to anyone I may have been insenstive to.


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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

I think the best thing TO say to someone after they have a miscarriage is "Im sorry". Let your sister know she can talk and that you will be there to listen.

Dont say "there wouldve been something wrong with the baby, so its better this way" or "you can try again" or "it will make you stronger".

Dont say you understand if youve never been through her situation.

Maybe you could take her meals for a few days or perhaps something that would help her remember her baby?


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## Freckles (Mar 8, 2004)

You are wonderful to be thinking of your sister now b/c she needs you. I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and the weekend before my D&E, my sister and I got into a stupid argument and I cried and left b/c I was still carrying my dead baby and dealing with roller coaster emotions.

We have not spoken since that night (March 5) and I am very hurt by her lack of compassion, especially after I buried my first born almost one year ago.

Shower your sister with love and I promise she will remember how much you were there for her when she's in her darkest hours. Bring her homemade cookies, a good book or offer to paint her toes, whatever she loves.

Take good care.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your sister and your loss. I think Butternut said it best, don't assume she's all better in a few weeks--even if she looks it on the outside. For me it was 3 weeks after my last m/c that it all just sort of hit me, and hard, it felt so weird to ask for help and nobody really offered it (except believe it or not my OB) In the place I was at I figured that if nobody was still asking how I was they all must figure I"m just fine. Remember to still ask her how she's doing with everything in a couple weeks, it will allow her to feel what she's feeling instead of just bottling it up.
Suggest she do something to remember her lost little one. I have a necklace that I always wear, from it hang two heart pendants, one a little bigger than the other (as I lost one a bit further along) nobody (IRL) knows what they are there for, but I know and for me that helps. Spring is coming, maybe offer to help her plant something special for the baby.
One more thing, nobody really ever asked my dh how HE was doing, I know he was devastated but I simply wasn't in a place to support him. Maybe make a point of asking "dad" how he is coping with things. I know Steve felt so very helpless, he wanted to stop my pain, he wanted to protect me but mostly I know he also wanted our baby. Just a thought.


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

Unfortunately my sister lives quite far away. I have made her a care package and I will send it tomorrow morning. I just chatted with her again and she sounds like she is in pain. She is going to see her gp tomorrow and book a d&c for as soon as possible.

Again thank you - I so appreciate all of your kind words and sage advice

Emma


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

My sister-in-law is also miscarrying right now and I don't know what to do for her. I haven't actually spoken with her and have relayed my condolences through her parents. As I am hugely pregnant right now, and there has been extreme tension and misunderstanding over the years, I feel extremely awkward. Also, when I suffered a loss two years ago and couldn't cope with my mother-in-law staying with us, we asked her to stay with relatives down the road and she didn't speak to us for almost ten months. My sister-in-law took "her side" and despite myself I find ugly feelings resurfacing after hearing of her miscarriage.

In this case though I thought of sending her some flowers, I don't think they would be appreciated. It would seem taking it way too seriously, which is kind of a shame.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Liz, I am sorry but I would say, send the flowers, you know for yourself that the mother will appreciate them even if others think it's taking things "too serious" I know for myself that after my first m/c, I thought back to all things I may have said to others and regretted it, but after a few years just couldn't muster the courage to go to them and say I was sorry--especially since I meant no harm, in fact I thought I was being comforting. I tend to think of it as, from a greiving mom's point of view, she will see the flowers as a sign you DO understand, even if everyone around her doesn't. Hard feelings or not, I think she'd appreciate your support. For me, especially with the last m/c, I received the most support from the most unlikely source, and gained a whole new understanding of that person--and it was a simple but SO appreciated gesture that "won" me over.
Just my humble opinion.... what's the worst that could happen??


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

all very good suggestions.

if your sister named the baby try to use his/her name as much as possible. sadly if i say Keena's name i usually get the blank look at *who?* comment which hurts so much.
and i really second the being there in a few weeks, everyone seemed to assume *i got over it* (there comment), no one asked how i was after the first week and now it is like it never happened to anyone but us, i know this is a coping thing but it hurts us a lot.

your sister is really lucky to have you

((hugs)) to you both

tara


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

For those of you mommas who don't know what to do, here is a very special website that provides Baby Loss Kits. Might be helpful, especially for someone who lives far away or it might give you ideas for what to include in one you make yourself.

http://www.babylosskit.com/baby_loss_kit.html

Gossamer


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## butternut (Jan 3, 2004)

Liz--I would second what Shannon said and definitely send something to your SIL. Of course you know your situation much better than we do, but even if no one else IRL would understand, it may mean a lot to her. Maybe a card instead of flowers if you feel like they are too much. My SIL is also hugely pregnant right now, due any time. We had our m/c about 7 weeks ago now and she has said NOTHING to me! We live in different cities and don't meet much and are not super close, but the one time we did meet--right after the m/c started--she said nothing. I tried to be understadning and felt like maybe she had a hard time verbalizing something, but I tell you I would have greatly appreciated a card or a note or a phone call afterwards if she found it difficult to say anything to me in person. Last year when she had a m/c and I was in another country, I immediately sent a care package. I talked a lot with her dh (my dh's brother) afterwards as well. So, yeah, whether it is right or wrong, I do know the fact that she has said nothing makes my relationship with her strained and makes my feelings about their impending birth that much more muddled. Sad, really.

Emma--you mentioned you sister is far away. Make sure you keep calling now and then and send little notes or e-mails to let her know you are thinking about her. I am also far away from my sister and mother and when they sent cards and notes that just said "thinking about you"--it meant a lot. But what was frustrating is when they said, "We figured you would call us when you felt like talking." So not true! It is a least 100X harder to be the one to call if you are also the hurting the most. I really wish they had been the ones to call me as I needed to talk many days but was way too depressed to be the one to pick up the phone. So if you can call, be the one to do so now and then. You can always ask if she feels like talking and if she doesn't, then keep it short. She is so lucky to have a caring sister like you.


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

I really appreciate hearing from all of you who have lost babies... Sarah and I usually talk every day. I am going to make sure to make an extra effort to be aware of her feelings. Thank you for mentioning to keep asking her how she is doing... you are right, if you are feeling unhappy or depressed, ti si hard to reach out and talk.
Mother's Day is coming up - would it be good or bad to send her flowers?

Emma


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Wow, Emma, good question.
I don't know how I would feel, I think probably that I would break down completely. However my loss isn't quite as fresh. My instinct is to say make a note to call her but for me (everyone is different) looking at the flowers every day would tear me up. I'd be more inclined to just be ready to provide her with what she needs that day but to leave any gift giving to her dh.
But I think it may be nice to aske her a week or so before mothers day what she thinks, ask her if there is anything you can do to make the day easier on her.
I hope some others have better suggestions.


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## memory maker (Dec 11, 2003)

when my sil lost her baby she said that she did not want flowers because you sit and watch them die. When my cousin lost her baby someone gave her a plant that she has continued to watch grow for 3 years. That might be something to consider. We sent my sil a garden angel that was a little boy (she lost a son) that they could put outside in their flowers. They loved that.


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## Saralee Sky (Mar 19, 2004)

Hello everyone,

What a moving post! I realy appreciate all of your comments and suggestions. I agree with everyone who said: send your sister a special package of some kind to let her know how much you care and are thinking of her.

I also agree that sending a beautiful plant (flowering?) that will continue to live is a wonderful idea. I am less convinced that sending flowers on Mother's Day is a good idea. Rather, I would send her a card that let her know you were thinking of her and that you love her.

You do not have to really say anything except : I love you and I'm so sorry. It is more important that you be available to listen to what she needs to say. And remember to check in with her every week for a while. Grieving takes time.

You are a good sister!


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

THank you. I have sent her some iris because she loves them. We are going to spend Easter together. Our plan was to go to a gardening store - I think I will suggest we plant something for her lost baby. Mother's Day - I don't think I was thinking clearly when I wrote about sending her flowers. I think I will just send her a card and call her. It is tough.
This afternoon she was at the doctor. As baby stopped developing about two weeks ago, and as she has only been losing about .5-1tsp of blood a day, they are going to schedule a d&c for later this week.

"I love you and I am sorry" ...

Emma


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## karin_in_tacoma (Feb 20, 2002)

I would also encourage you to check in with her and just listen to what she tells you. Even if you haven't experienced a m/c, you may have had to cope with anxiety or stress. Just hearing someone say, "what a tough time" or "I'm thinking of you so much" helps, even if she only cries more when you say it!

I experienced a very similar experience; it was termed a missed abortion by the docs. After experiencing slight spotting at 12 wks, I was told that the pregnancy had ended and that I was carrying twins, which was a big surprise. It's very stressful to wait for the d&c appointment; I was actually sent home from the ER with specimen cups and told to collect any tissuelike pieces that might pass. Every trip to the toilet created a lot of anxiety.

Friends sent flowers. Family sent cookies. Both gave dh and I equal time. We were sad but also reflected on the wealth of goodness we had experienced in our lives up to that point. And, since we were planning a very small family, I sometimes find myself reflecting that had that pregnancy gone to term, I would never have met my beautiful, witty daughter who was born 20 months later. That's my story and you're sister will build her own story and the best thing you can do is be ready to hear it whenever she wants to tell it.

Hurrah for sisters!


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## faerymama (Mar 23, 2004)

I think you are doing a great job of being there. what a great person to have in her life, so caring and considerate. everyone wrote such beautiful things to do. to me the most important is just to talk to her. i dont think you ever get over it, there is always a hole someone is missing and what is even more sad is that very few people will ever know. we lost our baby 2 months ago and there are days that just suck. there is this emptiness that is always with me and it breaks my heart how everyone in my life has blown it off. my sil has never said anything at all to me about it. my father this week told me to get over it, it wasn't a big deal. be happy for what i do have. i was shocked by his callousness. i was almost 14 wks it was very real to me even if it wasnt to anyone else. even my ds is heartbroken about the lose of his sister and he is only 4. just remember that there is no time frame for her to move on or to heal. make sure you let her know that you WANT her to talk to you about it and it isnt a bother. i do think you should do something for her for mother's day maybe not flowers but something especially if she was a first time mom, she still is a mama she just doesnt have her babe in her arms. maybe send her a necklace with a mother and child charm so she my always have that memory(like someone mentioned) above all just make yourself avaivable to her

much love,
stacey


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## faerymama (Mar 23, 2004)

another thought.......i dont understand the whole d&c procedure. our bodies are quite capable of birthing. i know for me, it took almost a week for me to actually "lose" my baby but her birth was so incredible and beautiful, i think it may have made it all the harder for me to have her ripped from me not going through the natural processes. i know there is a longer recovery time with a d&c. it was a long birth(alot longer then my 2nd ds) but so beautiful and i will always have that with me. just a thought. maybe that is something for her to consider.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Just going to throw in my 2 cents on the plant thing..... I am known well for killling house plants--my garden is beautiful, but once they enter my house they may as well stick one of their leaves in a light socket! When dh moved in with me he brough this rubber plant he'd had since he was 12 and told me it was indestructable--yeah right, I had it dead in 6 mos (and I didn't ever touch it!)
This past m/c, someone did send me a plant and it was so beautiful. I took good care of it, I researched how to care for it (I can be a little bit anal) and it died anyway. That sent me into the worst possible tailspin you could imagine, my dh came home to me curled in a ball on the couch saying I can't even keep a plant alive what makes me believe I can keep a baby alive, I kill everything I try to nurture (this is of course not true, I'm very nurturing of my dogs, cat and the horses here)
So while I think it's a Great idea to send something they can nurture and care for--just make sure it's a hardy plant and the person being sent it doesn't have a "black thumb" KWIM??
You know if your sister has internet, you may suggest she join us here.
In looking over all the suggestions and the ones on the thread I started about what helps and what doesn't, I think the key is to listen, even when there is nothing but crying on the other end and to keep checking back frequently, cause while she may be in rough shape now, it really hits when we wake up to see the rest of the world just kept going without us and that we sit there 3 weeks later and everyone thinks we're better now---even if we look that way on the outside.







tell your sis she's getting a group hug from all of us.


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

My sister Sarah has totally stopped spotting. The most blood she has lost has been about .5 tsp - once or twice a day. She still feels pregnant - her breasts are still sore and she still has mild nausea and a persistant headache.

My sister saw an OB/Gyn today. The doctor inserted four pills into her vagina/uterus(?). Her doctor said she has is having a 'missed miscariage' or a 'missed abortion'. Her baby has died (passed away almost two weeks ago) and yet her body still is pumping out preg hormones. It is just so horrible. Poor sis - this afternoon, about 2 hours after the pills were inserted, she got really sick. She was to collect any tissue and bring it to the doctor tomorrow. She ended up spending three hours vomitting, with diarhea and intense pain. She passed two small clots (each the size of a nickel). Now she has to go back tomorrow and have it done again.

I am not even the one having the miscarriage and I can't sleep and feel so stressed. I just want this to be over - it just seems so totally absolutely unfair and cruel that Sarah has lost her baby and is now having to go through all of this on top of it.

I am going to encourage her to look at this site.


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## faerymama (Mar 23, 2004)

did she onlly have one ultrasound? this woman i know who is a midwife she told me that one of her clients had a ultrasound w no heart beat and went a wk later to have a d&c and made them give her another ultrasound Just in case. the baby was fine. sometimes they just cant detech it. that happened to me with my ds i was 5 1/2 wks spotting had an ultrasound in er and they told me the baby was dead and the miscarriage was almost over 7 mos later i had a PERFECT babe. that doc was dead wrong and so was the tech. ultrasounds are not perfect, there is just too much about the development of a baby they do not know, problems come in when doctors start playing god.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Just so you know, most miscarriages are "missed", meaning the baby passes before bleeding starts. Both of mine were, the first I waited 5 days from when it was detected as a missed misscariage, but 10 days after my pregnancy symptoms mysteriously disappeared.
My third (second was a chemical preg) my baby had stopped developing afbout 3 weeks before detection (but it could have been that development was slow as they think I have a clotting issue that causes growth delay)
With my first I had 4 U/S and m/c'd naturally. With this last one, I did have a d&c, but after the first U/S that showed no heartbeat (and I'll give the tech credit, she spent almost 40 min looking as she had seen a perfect heartbeat at the first U/S) I had no spotting, all pregnancy symptoms were going strong still, my doctor said that before she'd do a d&c she'd book another U/S with a different tech and at a different place, and she made them show me if I wanted to see.
Is there a reason Sarah can't be left to let nature take it's course? and if she doesn't want/can't handle the wait, why can they not just do a d&c that may be a little less traumatic for her. Waiting for a natural m/c is stressful but some gain some peace from it and as far as I know, the worst case scenario if it turn medically bad is a d&c (providing she is keeping an eye on how much blood she looses and how she's feeling)
I'm so sorry, you must feel so helpless being far away from her. Do have her drop by here, if nothing else we can offer cyber hugs.


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## wannabeadoula (Mar 31, 2004)

Hello, I'm new to the group but after reading your mails I thought I would send a reply. Hope this is not a problem







: I have never had a miscarriage myself, but when I was pregnant with my daughter, things were a little haywire and my doctor told me that it was possible that I was having one. I will never forget that feeling. And I'm sure that having it actually happen to you is a million times worse. The one thing family and a friend told me when this was happening was "Don't worry you can have more" or "It's better it happen now than later on in the pregnancy." These were things I just didn't want to hear. Anyway, I think the best thing for you to do is to send her a care package (which I think you said you already did) and when you visit her in Easter I think planting something is a great idea. But make sure it is something extremely easy to care for,(unless your sister has a green thumb), because if something were to happen to this plant, it might make things even worse.

Just a few suggestions. Hope I didn't ramble too much or intrude on anything. Looking forward to chatting with you all!


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Hi-

I just wanted to let you know tht this just happened to me on Monday. everything was fine, I was heading in for my 2nd ultrasound at 9 weeks and no heartbeat. I was stunned as just a week and 1/2 before everything was fine amd measuring "normal"- heartrate, size etc. It was devastating.

We did choose to have a DC as it was triplets even though only one embryo developed a heartbeat. The D&C was very difficult as well but I feel as though it speeded up the grieving process, if that makes sense at all.

The best words that I have heard have been no words at all, just a long look and a big hug. To me, the more people tried to express their feelings the worse it became. No matter what, they all seemed to end with "at least you have your son" and/or "you can always try again". This from people who knew it took me over 7 years to have my son and who know my struggles with infertility.

Sorry If I am rambling but I am still so overwhelmed but when I ready your post I just wanted to let you know that just being their for your sister is the best thing you can do. A hug speaks volumes.


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## p1gg1e (Apr 3, 2004)

My Sister-in-law and I were pregnant with our first at the same time. She lost the baby at 11wks. I was devistated not just for her but in a way I wanted to go through this with her. She and I do not have the same friendship we did before. She cries when she is around me as my DD approches. I have a baby shower coming up that we had hoped we would have to gether, now she is helping plan it. I think its a double whamy because she would have her child in her hands the same time I will. I dont know if there is anything you can say to make this any better, all I know is I grieve with her.










Elizabeth


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

My sister had a d&c last night. They tried giving her the prostogladin tablets twice and all they did was make her very sick. She is feeling a bit better today - she feels that at least now she can begin the healing process. She just couldn't handle the idea that she was just waiting for baby to leave her.

I have gained such a better understanding of how horrible a process miscarriage is and I thank you all for sharing your stories. I am sending warm thoughts to all of you.

Emma


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## ajsmom (Nov 21, 2001)

I ended up in the ER for 10 hours a month after I thought I had miscarried. I had a d&c.

Because I was 40 when this happened and it was my first pregnancy I just figured that statistically I had a 1 in 4 chance of this happening. I had kept a journal and wrote everything that happened along the way. It was a big help.

I never felt really sad, just disappointed that my first time didn't go full term. I wanted it to remain private but my boss told a consultant who called to offer her condolences and tell me all about her 6 m/c and all I kept thinking was that this woman wasn't interested in anything but sharing her story. I was not pleased with my boss who said that this woman wasn't an employee and had a story to share that might help me. Lovely... Quit that job!

As soon as my new ob said try again, we did and ds is now 3 1/2 and very healthy.

Blessings to your family,
Rebecca


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## May-lily (Apr 5, 2004)

I lost a pregnancy at 10 weeks last January and the worst thing someone told me was "at least you know you can get pregnant"!
It still is painful especially since I've not been able to conceive since that....I am so sorry for your sister, and grateful to you that you are so thoughtful. My entire family is in Europe and I did not have many friends around. My husband was supportive, but not in a way that really worked for me and it caused many problems between us. It's definetely the hardest thing I've ever been through, and of course, I was always the one in my family and group of friends who could not wait to get married and have kids...Life's lessons are sometimes quite bitter, I guess. One thing that really helped was to be with women as much as I could. I did really feel that only the ones who had been through it could really understand, though I felt very comforting by the patient listening ear of a few close (but geographically distant) friends, and my sisters and my mom did call everyday (which pretty much made up for all of them saying some of the "taboo" things


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