# How do you KEEP YOUR COOL when all you wanna do is scream?



## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Hi everyone. I guess I'm just looking for some support tonight. First off, I should say that my DS is the joy of my life.

Now that THAT's outta the way...do you go along fine, fine, fine and then some days you feel like you are just going to LOSE IT? DS is 14 mos and is definitely becoming his own little person-which brings about so many new challenges, as you all know. Mealtime, particularly dinner is a very stressful time for me. I know I'm supposed to just take it in stride that some nights he just throws all his food on the floor and spits everything back out at me, but some nights it puts me over the edge.

Tonight, I met my DH at the door and warned him about my mood and DS's mood. DH took DS so I could clean up the kitchen. When DS was outta earshot I began to just mutter curse words to myself. I was a raving lunatic. I later hopped in the car to drive around the block for a few minutes to settle down.

Do you have nights like this? Is this normal? Do you miss being able to say (and I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone) F*@CK! when you want to?

On nights like this I think I have trouble figuring out how to balance being a human being with emotions (anger tonight) and being a parent. I feel like I've just set myself up with all these very high expectations of the parent I would like to be. And that trips me up b/c I want to be perfect and we all know that's not possible.

I miss being able to have a good fight with DH every once in a while. Or being able to break a glass or stub my toe and let out a good curse word. I think I'm holding back these little daily angers and they just build and then explode.

I know I'm rambling, but can anyone out there relate? TIA


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## kater07 (Jan 6, 2002)

I am right there with you. I don't know how to help, except to say you have company in this department!

I feel sooo guilty for feeling that way on days (like today) when I wanna just crawl into a deep dark QUIET hole and not come out.

count your blessings. My DH doesn't get home until after the runt is in bed, so ... and he's only once taken DS and said aloud that he knows I need a break. I'd love to go drive around the block a few times.

Last week, I went and got Pizza Hut pizza and contemplated staying in the car and eating my dinner just so I'd get to eat my dinner.

Hugs to you!


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

kater07-thank you, thank you. I needed to know tonight that I was not alone. No one really, honestly talks about these daily frustrations. It's like we have to keep all this in the closet. Makes me feel sometimes like I'm parenting in a vacuum.

Next time, eat the pizza in the car. I'm sure it would be the best pizza you've ever had. Plus, you'd come back feeling like a new woman. Sorry to hear that your DH doesn't get home 'til after all the drama is over.


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## Kim (Nov 19, 2001)

You are not alone. I had a bad day today and, unfortunately, my 13 month old actually heard some pretty bad language. Not directed at her, but, there it was. At one point I just broke down crying as she watched and realized that it's okay for her to see some of these emotions. After the antics, I spoke calmly with her and thanked her for helping me cope. (A glimpse of her pudgy thighs actually pulled me out of the funk.) She surely didn't understand a word I was saying (yet) but I do hope she will someday understand the process.


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## Cakes (Jul 30, 2002)

I can totally relate. Trying to get my four yo to get dressed in the morning is a never ending trigger. I know it is an age thing but day to day that excuse gets old. Just once I would like for her to JUST GET DRESSED without any hassle. The hair brushing is another frustration. One morning I lost my temper and just banged the brush on the sink over and over in a fit of rage and frustration. I felt bad afterwards and we talked about it but nothing changed. It is just the age. My mantra. It is just the age.
I feel it coming on and sometimes I just can't control the wave of anger. I usually leave the room or hide in the bathroom till I've released the feelings. Deep breathing helps. But I do feel guilty and sometimes very scared of my anger.

Julianne


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

I can relate too. My trigger is sleep! Not just at night, but also when he's worked up and won't nap. I get really upset. He has certainly heard some language, though I try to contain it to "dammit" (bad enough, I know). If anyone has any tips for staying calm in these situations I am all ears.


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## katt (Nov 29, 2001)

it is okay to get frustrated and show it. this shows the kids that those feelings are okay and there are healthy ways of dealing with them. (letting it out without hurting anyone). Even if it is just putting them in a safe place, leaving the room and having a good, loud fit!

who says that only kids can have a tantrum?


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## LaLaLuna (Jun 23, 2002)

ha ha ha ha!!! (that's hysterical laughter- not funny laughter







)

I had to peel both of my whining, fighting, clingy to the point of physically hurting me little darlings off of me the other night so I could storm out of the house and go for a fast, reckless drive just so I wouldn't PASTE one of the little boogers. (ahem. I adore my children. really.) I think frustration and overwhelming feelings of anger are part of the package for parenting. At least I don't know any parents IRL who don't go through this periodically.

I agree with you, Kirr- it's ok for kids to see these emotions so I try really hard to 1) not go so far as to actually frighten them (tho' that would take a lot with my two- they're not especially sensitive like some kids are) and 2) talk about it as I'm experiencing it ("I'm getting really frustrated here! I sure don't like it when I have to ask over and over again and get ignored! Man, it's upsetting to start ffeeling like I have to yell to get your attention! yadda yadda...) I try to keep it in the language of "feelings". It sure doesn't seem to do much in the moment, but the magical thing is that in later circumstances I've heard both my boys use the same technique which actually sometimes helps them defuse things before they escalate to violence with each other.

But I sure have lots of times when I just SNAP , out of the blue- and then I just try to get away somehow- or at least get everyone out of the house, which helps to change the energy of whatever's happening. I always come back and talk with them about it, though, when I'm calmer. Whew!


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Chiming in! No advice, but I do this too. My youngest is only 9 months, but he can drive me to frustration







the thing that gets me is that I get frustrated, and then I vent to dh and dh gets mad at me and says things like "how can he make you mad, he's just a baby?" and I'm not mad AT the baby, but mad and frustrated by certain things, and dh makes me feel like I can't even vent! Grrrr....... I think he does "get it" sometimes, but since he is at work all day he has a higher tolerance than I do ath the end of the day.


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## mojomom (Mar 5, 2003)

You know it is nice to feel you have a safe place to come and air these things out and not worry about being judged








I am glad I am also not the only one who is just holding it together at times. I also put extra pressure on myself because I came from a yelling family, I love my parents but my strongest memory about growing up in that family is the yelling. I have vowed to do all I can to not give that to my kids. Sometimes it is so hard. I have a wonderfully active 2 yr.old ds who if I am not with him all the time he gets into something he should not. Playing with the V.C.R. is his new thing. Anyway 24 hours,7 days a week of this gets to me at times. The weather is warming up so I go and walk,walk,walk until I have walked away all the tension and frustration. Thanks for the post . Need to get ds now I hear tapes flying.


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## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

unfortunately i'm a 'stuffer' i.e., stuff away any anger, frustration, sadness, (any emotion that i've been taught is unacceptable for the perfect mom to have) until i just snap and have a tantrum. a couple of times i've yelled at ds (which really frightens me b/c he's only 7mos and i can't explain my outburst with him when i'm done), most of the time i can control myself enough to put him down and go into another room and yell or cry for a few minutes.

i was raised in a hitting/yelling family but thankfully with therapy i'm working on getting out of the bad habits i was taught and am able to put some preventive measures in place-- if ds is worked up and won't nap (which happens damn near every day), i'll put him in the sling or stroller and go for a walk. we walk AT LEAST twice a day. also, for the past couple of months i've handed over most of the baby duties (diapers, solids, bath, rocking to sleep) to dh when he gets home so that i don't feel like my day is non-stop baby. before, i had been doing it all b/c, being the perfectionist that i am, wanted it done 'right'. which in turn just made my anger, resentment, exhaustion build up.

both of these things helped me a lot, although the biggest factor has been acknowledging that having these not-so-perfect feelings is PERFECTLY normal, most if not all moms have them, and you can still be an excellent mom even though you get pissed off at your kid and your life every once in a while.


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## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

Please, please let me join in on your vent. I'm am so frustrated right now, and so overwhelmed with things I need to do I just want to lay down and cry. I told dh yesterday that I was running away from home







It's like my 2 boys are determined to push me to my limit all day long. It hurts me because I love them so much but at the same time I want to ring their little necks. I hate yelling, but I find myself resorting to it more and more because it seems to be the only way to get their attention. They are really good kids so why do they act like such brats sometimes. I'm just overwhelmed like I said, with dealing with their attitudes, dealing with a very demanding new baby, trying to prepare for 2 birthdays 3 wks. apart, keep up with laundry, housework,cooking, dealing with in-laws that I'm about to kill, getting the right homeschool cirriculum and I NEED TO GET STARTED ON DD'S BABYBOOK!!! AHHHH! Why can you not take a vacation from motherhood sometimes? Sometimes I just want to bathe ALONE, and poop ALONE and put on a new shirt that isn't covered in spit-up in 5 minutes! Gotta go, my boob is being paged







: Thanks for listening.


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## meg (Jan 6, 2003)

What a relief to know that I am not the only mama who gets overwhelmed with anger/frustration/exhaustion/etc. and feels like snapping! Just this morning I almost lost if over ds not putting his shoes on so we could go to the park! "Don't you want to go have fun?!?!" I growled. I'm sure he was thinking "uh, not with you, you loony evil twin of my mama."
I do feel guilty too, it's so hard to practice positive parenting while seething!
I don't have any ideas on how to cope in the moment. Sometimes when I'm having a particularly bad day I will leave ds with dh and go see a movie by myself. That really helps me to escape and get a different perspective.
Thanks to all the mamas who have posted and helped me not feel like an emotional wreck but just a normal, hardworking sahm.


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## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by meg_
*"Don't you want to go have fun?!?!" I growled. I'm sure he was thinking "uh, not with you, you loony evil twin of my mama."
*






































oh yeah, i know my ds has the same thoughts, meg!


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## Quaniliaz (Oct 11, 2002)

I have just a 4 month old, but I find myself getting pretty frustrated by the end of the week. I've run out of ideas for entertainment by that point. My df tries to be sooo helpful - so I'm pretty happy when the weekend is here, and he is home to help.

I think right now it would just help me to get out of the house more...I can't wait for spring...


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## Valerie.Qc (Nov 19, 2001)

There are days where I feel like



































































I lost it twice this week...









I don't know what I will do to correct the situation but at least I now know that I'm not alone in that boat


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## momatheart23 (May 25, 2002)

When I am like that I find some way to get some alone time. Also my son has heard more of his share of cuss words, in fact I am certain I have heard him say "oh sh**." on a few occasions. My dh has a horrible mouth too. I used to freak out about it but I just don't care that much anymore. My friends rule is their son can only cuss in the house, not in public, and it can't be any cuss names, just cussing in frustration. I don't know if I will go that far, but I just figure it is better for him to see me expressing my emotions than stuffing them. Also if I need to fall apart and cry I just do it right there with him, normally he comes and just comforts me. DH and I also fight in front of him, but we try to have fair fights, I know we must be doing ok because he doesn't seem fazed by them at all. I had parents who were confrontation avoiders and never said a mean word in front of me, and then when they came to tell me they were divorcing I was clueless and confused. I also grew up to avoid confrontation, and I don't want ds to do that.
Another thing I learned, give up the "perfect" mom ideal, there is no such thing.


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## mcimom (Jun 8, 2002)

haha, I don't. I just scream like I wanna.

sad but true most days. I feel like I have cycles. For about 2 weeks, I'll be the essence of patience and fun mom, for another 2 weeks, I am evil mom who yells and screams and cries and breaks down every five minutes.

I do okay on the swearing, usually go out of ear shot and swear to my hearts content though supposedly I gave it up for lent.







:

I said to DH the other day. I need a paycheck for my job and a supervisor so I'll be better behaved. B/c it's sad but true that if I had someone watching me, I probably wouldn't have as many outbursts.

It's just an emotionally draining job, that's for sure.


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## RileysMom (Nov 30, 2001)

I think almost everyone gets to that point. My tolerance level is *directly* tied to 2 things: sleep and my relationship with dh. If he and I are on the outs or if I am just really po'd at him, I have such a hard time.

I do a couple of things....a close friend that homeschools her teens lends me her dd as a mother's helper. That is a really good thing. I let her wear dd out (dd ADORES her) and then she takes a really long nap and the teen even helps me with chores. (She helped me plant my entire vegetable garden yesterday while dd took a 3 hour nap! Doesn't that rule?!

Or I just let dh know and I go to bed at dd's bedtime (8:30) or take a long bath with a popsicle and a book.

It also really keeps me motivated to keep our marriage in tip top shape. I don't let things build up, but resolve them right away. I think that's a really good thing for me, as I tend to "stuff" issues....


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## chicklet (Dec 23, 2002)

I can totally relate - Cakes I also have a 4yo and holy cow why can't they just DO WHAT I ASKED YOU TO DO!!! NOW!!! I have never experienced such frustration with her, she just doesn't listen and it gets me so [email protected]%*ing MAD sometimes!!!

I also came from a yelling family, mojomom, and I'm usually pretty laid back. But when you're pushed to the limit, and up half the night nursing lacula, and 4yo won't get dressed even though you've asked, begged, threatened, and nearly busted a brain vein to get them to GET DRESSED it's so hard not to raise your voice out of sheer frustration and ingrained habbit!!









Needless to say I spend time in gentle discipline looking for answers. We now have a "good behavior chart" on our fridge that gives stars or sad faces for certain required tasks. Gosh I hope this works!!

My best antidote is a big 'ol box of chocolate - always amkes me feel better.!


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## papachee (Feb 18, 2003)

I think we've all been to the edge of anger and beyond.

Once or twice I have had to sit down cuz I've been too angry to think.

My stress reliever has always been to act crazy/foolish/odd. In an insane world why not join in once in a while. I do odd dances, make odd noises, and sing weird made up songs. You'd be amazed how funny you can be when you are that 'wigged out'. I'm not advocating a descent into true madness, just ... play acting madness. With kids it is a great distraction for them. They stop what they are doing, or not doing, I see if I can get ds to laugh etc. that usually make some things better. Its hard to be upset at a smiling baby


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## LaLaLuna (Jun 23, 2002)

I am all for going the looney toons route, as needed.







Although that can backfire on you! (case in point- my best friend was over today and got into some imbroglio with the three boys we have between us and then just blathered something out about "don't get me so mad I blow a bird out my butt!" which of COURSE my five year old immediately picked up and RAN with! I'll be hearing that charming phrase for about the next three months!)

I just remembered, after reading MACMOM's post about cycles- when things are really at the rock bottom pits for me, I'll brew a cup of Yogi Tea's Moon Cycle tea and it most always brings on my period which essentially hits the re-set button for me. I don't know how it would work for anyone who's not bleeding yet after babes, but I think it has all the right herbs in it for women. maybe it will make a difference for someone else, too.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Ahhhh... b/c of ALL of you I can BREATHE again. I know I've said it before, but finding MDC and the other wonderful moms here has really changed my SAHM world. It really has. I can't thank you all enough for always sharing your life with me.

Has anyone ever met a mom who doesn't seem to ever get frustrated? I guess I'm always comparing myself to this made-up perfect mom in my head. Isn't it crazy what we do to ourselves? I had a friend (who happens to be a therapist) say, "Who wants to be friends with someone who's perfect?". And that's true. I generally don't like people who SEEM to have things ALL-together. I just know that there is some seething stuff going on underneath.

I came from a fairly dysfunctional family and I think that's another thing to struggle with as a mom. You have your normal expectations and then if you've come from a less-than-perfect background you just hold yourself up to these sometimes unattainable goals.

Yesterday DS and I had a WONDERFUL day. It was like night and day from the day before. It's like the universe needed to give me that day, KWIM?

This is by far the most challenging, exhausting, emotionally draining thing I've ever done or will ever do. It's just relentless. The need of our children is sometimes bottomless and it's hard to give if you don't have it (either momentarily or in general).

What I think about is -if I have my freak out days with ONE 14 mo, how will I be capable of having TWO? (and DH and I definitely want two or more). I guess I'm just in a slump and need the extra encouragement.

Hope all you ladies hang in there. And perhaps you have some reinforcements now that the weekend is here. I know not all of you do, and that there are lots of different schedules out there, but I hope you have some extra help soon.

Glad to see that we're all in this together


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

Sometime I have wonderful days and sometime I yell and sometime I even curse. It s OK, my my yealled and cursed sometime but I knew she loed me. we all only humans. I tihnk it would be damaging ,in a way, to have mom who is never frustrated. Unhuman
Yes, kids like to explore their boundaries, but you are the parent and it is up to you to make the boundaries. letting you child walking all over you a the expense of your own feelings and dream is not a good idea. it leads to recentment which leads to more anger.
screaming ofhten produces very little results (I know from my own experience) but showing direcet consequences does a lots of good. Do not get into the battle over food. you are letting your son do it over and over again. calmly tell him that next time he throws everything on the floor, he is out of his high chair and the kitchen. Maybe he just loves to play with food. Involve him in food preparation. yes, the flour will be spilled accidentely, and maybe be hw will put to many tomatoes into the salas, bu you both will be ejoying time together.
On Sunday, i was yelling becuase my kids accideltey let the hamsetr out of the abll and were not exactely helping me find him. And then I turned to them sna said, "Fine, I will go wash ddisehs now, let the cat find the hamster... and I smiled" they smiles and started moving things with me in the living room (Hamster is ok)
We all humans, we all feel things. Forgive yourself and find some way to deal with the behaviour (Spread a sheet under the bigh chair, it helps too)


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## Sara Mama (Apr 1, 2002)

Oh - I am so with you!

Saturday my beautiful 2 1/2 year old son just wouldn't take a nap -- I had just came back from my very last class of graduate school and I was _primed_ to sit down and do NOTHING. I was wiped out and he was obviously tired too. But no go. I ended up just laying on the bed and cried -- maybe an overreaction, but I am a very emotional 7 months pregnant as well.

He came in from his room and crawled up in my arms, hugged me and BURST into tears. I felt so bad, but at the same time it was very cathartic.

We had a lovely rest of the afternoon -- read LOTS of books and he went to bed 2 hours early -- go figure!

My advice, I guess, is that it's okay to just "let go" and feel your emotions. That way you feel better and no one gets hurt. Kids are very flexible and really don't remember a single incident of when "mama lost her patience." So be kind to yourself and you will feel better and we all know kids prefer happy, balanced, "at peace" mothers!


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## Teensy (Feb 22, 2002)

It's nice to know there are so many other frustrated moms out there. I won't vent since it would largely repeat what has already been said.

Here are a few things I sometimes do when my head is about to explode:

1. Put the kids in the bathtub and let them play while I clean the rest of the bathroom. A messy house makes me feel crazier so if I can have just one clean room it helps.

2. Strap the kids in their carseats and go for a ride. My older son can color, my younger son sometimes falls asleep, we might pick up french fries to occupy them while we drive. I also sometimes just sit alone on the steps in my garage before getting into the car myself and try to collect myself while the boys are contained in their seats and not causing further frustrations (no breaking things or tearing the house apart for at least a few minutes).

3. Sometimes I just lock the kids in their individuals room for a little quiet time. I may feel like an evil mother while doing it, but a little quiet time often does us all good. Occassionally one of the boys falls asleep (tiredness having caused the hyper behavior). I even turned the doorknob around on my older sons room, so I can lock him in. They can listen to music or play with their toys. I can lay down for a few minutes.

Any other coping suggestions? I could sure use more. LOL crazy lady LOL


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## singermom (Jan 18, 2003)

This is the funniest thread I have read in a long time...many moments of







(which helped after the day I had today...story for another post.).

Whoever talked about cycles is right on. Also the person who mentioned being in sync with their partner. Those two are key for me, too.

good luck, and keep up the laughs!

Mia


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## Cakes (Jul 30, 2002)

I'm really enjoying this thread. Lots of good advice and food for thought. Thank you to everyone for being honest and all the helpful hints.

I changed my 4 yo morning routine. I now have her put her clothes out the night before. We are less stressed because there is no time constraint. I have the time to talk to her about what will be appropriate. So far so good. She has gotten dressed without any nagging four days in a row. So our morning is much better.

Julianne


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## mtyson (Apr 1, 2003)

Oh me, me, me! My mom friends and I inevitably end up on this topic when we get together. Recently I have started to worry that my 3 year old's acting out was in part a consequence of her witnessing my occasional outbursts and "bad mommy" days. But today I was in good form - smiling, patient, available - and she was still a little monsterette.

Things that work for me:

Planning ahead definitely helps. Picking out clothes the night before, as previously mentioned, is a must.

Knowing my triggers. As I also have a 3 month old, being tired is a big issue. I plan a nap into my day (and actually manage to get one about 50% of the time).

The first "anger event" is guilt-free, 'cause lordy knows I can't always seem them coming. After that I try to change course to avoid the next one.

Ignore it. If I can't pacify my DD and she's still whining and crying. I just go on about my business, preferably in another part of the house where I can't hear her so well.

Get outside. Today I had both of them wailing for about an hour. I slapped a jacket on my DD's otherwise naked torso, shoved her feet in shoes and put the screaming DS in the stroller. We were quite a racket for the first block or two but for whatever reason fresh air and movement work wonders.

Have Me time. I joined a gym this year with an on-site child care. I strive for 3 times a week and try to make this time inviolable. I am worth the 53 bucks a month.

Join Flylady! If you haven't heard of her, check out http://www.flylady.net . She helps you keep on track with your housework, and when I'm having a bad day I nearly always find something inspirational in her daily email.

Oh yeah, and I pray for strength!

Good luck to us all!


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## YiddisheMama (Dec 23, 2002)

b'h

from my experience: scream if you feel like it. yell all you want, just don't yell exactly what you would...i.e. when i stubbed my toe last week, i yelled, " hey, i hurt my toe, i hate hurting my toe, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, why does this always happen, ouch ouch ouch!! etc etc etc"

and lemme tell you, it helps just to let it out in a yell!!

although dd got all nervous, mommy you have a boo-boo??


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## wwhippetcrazy (Mar 3, 2002)

What a great thread....and how wonderful to know I'm not alone....







And such good ideas!

Yesterday was a horrible day for us.....dd was whinny all day! Literally....I finally figured out that she had a sore tummy...but at 19 months, she can't really tell me.....







: ...I hate it when I get into the "loony tunes" mommy mode and then she turns out to have something wrong, not just being whinny cause she's tired or whatever....but what can you do???







:

Today looks better so far







...Definately agree with the cycles thing too! Being pg doesn't help the horomones either







: ....
I did get a 4 hour break on Sunday though, and that was heaven!!! I love my dd, but the break was exactly what I needed!

It's definately difficult to put that perfect mommy image out of my mind, mostly because I am afraid of turning into more of a yeller like my mom was....but it's getting easier, thanks to all of you!









Take care all! And Thank you , Thank you , Thank you









Jen


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## artgirl (May 17, 2002)

My dh was out of town for 3 weeks not too long ago and I started to feel overwhelmed... Here are a couple of things that I did that helped me.

I went to the mall with dd in a stroller.
Generally we use the sling. I love to carry her in the sling.. but three weeks of being the only "carry-er" available and I'd had enough. I just needed some time to not hang on to her and have my own space. Dd was happy to look at all the interesting sights... I was able to get a drink without worrying that she'd grab it from me. It was heaven. By the time we got back home I felt renewed enough to handle things again.

Dd fell asleep in the car and I just drove around until she woke up. Once again... free time for my body. I got to experience the outside world on my terms for awhile. I think I even went through a drive through and ate while I drove.

Go outside.
This is a big one. Seems like lots of other mamas use it. Dd is MESMERIZED by the outdoors. Even if we just sit on the front porch. She likes to watch the cars go by.

I think one of the greatest lessons that I've learned by being a mama is acknowledging that I am not always the best equipped to handle a situation. If dd is crying and I'm exhausted I've learned to hand her to dh or whoever is available. For awhile I felt like THAT was failure... I was failing for NOT always being able to handle everything. Well, that's unreasonable. Sooo instead of catering to my ego, which likes to think that it can do everything.. and SHOULD do everything... I've started trying to make sure I do what's best for my dd. Like giving her to someone who will have more patience and asking for help when I need it. Moms need to learn to take care of themselves some too... it really benefits the whole family. Don't be too hard on yourself.


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## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

I am so there with you mamas! Dd#1 was not listening despite whatever I said and finally I said what do I have to do to get you to pay attention to me? She said I need to talk louder. Basically she was saying that she will ignore me until I scream which is what I am trying so hard not to do!









I have been known to lock myself in my room and tell the kids they HAVE to give me a few minutes to calm down so I can be a nice mommy again.

Hugs to you all!









Miriam


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## pahkahsmom (Apr 2, 2003)

hmmm. its funny the way the world works. just today, oprah ran her show on mothering again (you know, the one that sparked all the controversy becuase it was moms saying that it's not always great to be a mom). i've only got one- 9 months- and i love it and hate it and dream about it and sit up at night wishing i could dream about it- i get frustrated too. we all do. and i think the thing that has made it the best for me was to be honest about the way that i was feeling. maybe not in the moment. maybe not even that day. but to my friends who are moms. to my mom. to other women who i know GET it. it helps to hear that it's okay and yes, eek- NORMAL- to feel angry, scared, resentful, terrified, happy, sad, and everything else. at night, when we're up again for the 3rd (or maybe 4th) time, and i find myself kicking off the covers and talking just loud enough so my partner will hear me and maybe get up this time, i take just one second and stop. i look at her beautiful face and realize that she is not crying to make me mad. she is not up again in an attempt to make me sooo exhausted i can not fuction in the day to come. she is a perfect little being- who is just as scared, angry and confused as i am. she just can't tell me about it. so i pick her up (again) and snuggle her until she falls asleep (again) and crawl back into bed (again) and pray that she doesn't wake until morning. the good thing is- they love you when you love them and when you don't. the good thing is- they trust you. the hard thing is- well, it's all hard. but i'm on the side that says for all the S*%#, it's worth it.


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## chicklet (Dec 23, 2002)

pahkahsmom- Wow- you summed it up for me and probably a lot of other moms. Your post was inspiring, I know I'm not alone!!

It's soooooooo hard!!

It's so worth it!!!


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

You ladies are just too great for words. All the advice and words of encouragement-Ahhhh...









Parenting is HARD friggin' work. Hard, Hard, Hard. Why isn't this stuff more generally discussed? Why do we feel that OL is one of the only places we can express it and yet if pressed, most moms will say they feel the EXACT same way?????

Not much time tonight. DS is getting top molars-which explains a lot of his behavior the past few days. I wish I could say that I was getting some teeth. Why can't WE have an excuse????


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## Liz Titone (Apr 3, 2003)

i think i just sent part of this message...

this discussion is a godsend! i am seeking refuge at this site as my 2.5 year old and my 4 year boys splash every ounce of water out of the tub. (no fears, the computer is within eyesite of the tub). it's everything i have not to just banish them to their room-without stories, without kisses, without a scrap of warmth.

because they are so close in age, my voice certainly escalates through the day. i fantasize about screaming "shut up" at them and having them actually do it. fat chance. i'll never do it and they probably wouldn't listen.

where do we put all of that anger? i mean, there's letting your kids see you for who you are (warts and all) and then there's being a [email protected]%ch. sometimes i get so cross with them i am as sarcastic as any born and raised ny'er can be. again, how do you stop? how do you let a bit of your normal self slip out and then go back to being a good, nonviolent (verbally), nurturing mother? and of 2 under 5, SIMULTANEOUSLY.

if anyone out there can relate and has some war stories to share, i will certainly appreciate your efforts in posting them.


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## zeldah (Mar 29, 2003)

Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel so normal! I thought my older son and I were freaking out at each other because we don't have friends our own age close by. With dh's work schedule, my constant companion is a 4yo ... and WHY WON'T HE JUST GET DRESSED?! and when dh is home, he complains that the little one is more demanding than our first ever was ... like he would know?
So how do I cope? Coffee, chocolate, and sex when I can get it.








more coffee when I can't


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## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

You guys are so great! I can get really down on myself sometimes and it helps to know I'm not alone in my frustration. Yesterday when dh got home I said, "I was such a good girl today, I didn't hit anybody and I only yelled one time!"


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## wwhippetcrazy (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:

I said, "I was such a good girl today, I didn't hit anybody and I only yelled one time!"
Definately had those days....in fact dh usually get met with a "we had a good day" or a "it's been a crappy day daddy"







:

When I am sooo angry I need to let it out...I use to escape to the laundry room and throw my clothes into the washer and dryer all the while chanting "she's only ___ months old", "she's only ___ months old"...repeat it with me now







Now dd can do the stairs, so that's not much of an escape.

I also will sometimes leave the room, go to the other end of the house, bury my head in the pillow and scream....usually I end up with dd on my back trying to tickle me...so it works....but it's scary to get to that point....atleast I know I'm not alone and I'm "normal"









Jen


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## ilex (Apr 30, 2002)

Wow it's nice to see so many new members come out on this thread!







I want to know if everyone has a mantra, and if so what is it? I haven't found mine yet, just breathe, breathe, it's okay, it's okay, don't kick the wall, don't kick the wall... I really need a substitute for that apt f-word though.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

bellasmum-you EXACTLY read my mind!!!! I've been wanting to post a new thread asking all moms if they had a mantra and if so, what it is. You know, just something that they can rely on or find themselves saying to themselves to take control of a situation and remain calm. I have a few, but lately I've been repeating the word COMPASSION when I find myself bubbling up with craziness or anger. I'm not sure where it came from, but I think it works for me on two levels. One-it helps me have compassion for myself. Two-of course, it helps me have compassion and patience for myself. Maybe you (or me) should start a new thread? BTW, the F word is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES.

Speaking of coping mechanisms, I've found since having a child that DH can remain much calmer than I can and it is b/c he has a FILTER (he's also a man, I know...). He can block some stuff out-you know, ignore things a bit. When DS is freaking out, I can just let it consume me and DH is usually okay. We joke that he has the ability to go to his "happy place". But all joking aside, I've found that when I can remind myself to say nothing, or just try to ignore the screaming/tantrum/chaos of a toddler, things work out much better.

Whippetcrazy-I think your honesty is refreshing. And you have to have SOME sense of humor about what you deem your own craziness as a mom, right? Part of my problem is that I keep reinforcing the whole prefect-mom thing-never anger, bitter, etc.

zeldah-ahhhh, the merits of coffee!!! I never drank any while preggers or up until DS was about 9 mos (I am still nursing). But I have one cup in the morning (sometimes TWO) and I SOOOO look forward to it.

LizTitone-your post is exactly what I'm after-how do you remain a mom and still be true to your emotions. And get angry and upset and p'od when you want to? I would appreciate any and all wisdom from more experienced moms.

I've said this before, but why can't you all just live in my neighborhood? Huh? Huh?


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Just had to point out a Freudian slip that's in my reply above. I said that compassion works for two reasons-for me & for ME!! Obviously, I meant to say DS. But I think it's making me realize that I need double the dose!


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## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

What is it about that F word? If i let mysef it would probably pop out every other sentence.

I'm very interested as to what a mantra is?


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## levar (Jan 28, 2002)

Oh I am SO there with you all! Maybe it is the weather? Or the moon? Uhg.

My husband put one of those child proof door things [to only coordinated adults can open door] on the bedroom door!! Now we take turns locking ourselves in the bedroom when we need it. And if we turn the radio on loud enough you cant hear WHAT comes out of our mouths!! Thank goodness!









Oh. My Mantra these days is I "talk" to my hand [thumb and fingers mouthing etc] and sing-say "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" etc. I especially do this [sorry, sorry, sorry] in stores when Taylor is getting testy. I startin saying "well blah blah! blah blah blah blah? blah blah." and now even Taylor does it?!?







:


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

I tll myself, at 8 PM they will be in bed, and I will be on the couch all by myself
It works


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## pahkahsmom (Apr 2, 2003)

so, when i wrote last we were smack dab in the middle of getting an ear infection. a night later, i found myself practicing what i had written down. " i don't hate her and she doesn't hate me. poor thing-she must be so sad. (eeerrrrr!!! mommy is sad too, darnit, just go to sleep!!!) **snuggle, snuggle** there you go. time to go back to sleep. (ekkk! if mommy doesn't get some darn sleep soon...) and a few short hours later, again. and this time, i tried what my loving partner does so often (although he says he doesn't)- i ignored her whimpers. then i reached over and said, "okay this time i'm serious. it's your turn," and rolled over and went back to sleep. and (miraculously!) it worked. i didn't get up. she went back to sleep. **ahhh**

levar- your post just made me start laughing and laughing. all i could picture was me, in the grocery store where everyone knows me, me talking to my hand, and everyone shaking their head, sadly "Poor thing. she must be so tired!". ha!

is this what us mommies are reduced to???

in a world that makes moms feel so bad about feeling anything other than **ahh, baby bliss**, it's so refreshing to be honest.
thank you!

(oh yea...i've taken to locking my self in the bathroom- and i often hear from downstairs "honey?? are you okay up there??" "Yea. i reply. I'm not feeling all that great" (i say, as i flip the pages of my newest book..)


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## wwhippetcrazy (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:

oh yea...i've taken to locking my self in the bathroom- and i often hear from downstairs "honey?? are you okay up there??" "Yea. i reply. I'm not feeling all that great" (i say, as i flip the pages of my newest book..)










Reading that made me smile! The other day I retreated to the bathroom to go to the bathroom, but shut the door, I usually leave it open...but dh was home and I needed a few minutes to regroup....
Well it was so peaceful I decided to have a bath and read and shave my legs and relax! Lol....Every now and then I'd get a little tap on the door with a very soft "mommy" and then I'd say I"ll be out soon....and I'd hear her run down the hall (our house is all one floor) and tell Daddy mommy soon!







It was tooo cute and well needed....
And I love those hugs like I've been gone forever that dd gives me when I return to sight







.....

I like the blah, blah, blah mantra....I could use that for me when I start going on







.....

That f word is one that I'm trying not too use too much either....I never really did, but dh and his whole family do...not in a "bad" way, but they've always swore, even when growing up...







T but I remember one time going to inlaws for the first time and dh telling his mom that something tasted like Shit....I nearly died....but she didn't care, she agreed







....in my family we weren't allowed to curse....sometimes a good shout of the word sure makes me feel better though







: ...

Jen


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## HotMama (Oct 26, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by RileysMom_
[B
It also really keeps me motivated to keep our marriage in tip top shape. I don't let things build up, but resolve them right away. I think that's a really good thing for me, as I tend to "stuff" issues.... [/B]
This is so true for me and I'm finally just realizing it. I'm a roaring grump if dh and I have not resolved something.









We argue in front of dd and like many of you have said, we keep it fair. Dd really reminds me I'm modelling for her and helps (most of the time) keep me from resorting to the BS I observed/learned as a child. I find if I get into a victim space with dh, I feel like a victim with dd. I remember (on good days) no one is doing anything to me and it helps me find my balance.

BTW - I thought I'd quit swearing when dd arrived, but I let it all out when I get frustrated and that can include swearing. I suppose I'll have to come to some peace/guidlines for "proper" swearing for dd.


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## LaLaLuna (Jun 23, 2002)

I'm visualizing this nationwide network of mothers of small children, with a Mason-like secret symbol... the blahblahblah hand gesture.

Would you like to be a MOSC? Ask me how!


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

LaLaLuna-I will only go in for the Mason symbol if we get to wear cool hats like the Shriners. And drive little cars.

Can you tell I'm exhausted??


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## LaLaLuna (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Bearsmama_
*LaLaLuna-I will only go in for the Mason symbol if we get to wear cool hats like the Shriners. And drive little cars.

*
I've got a Little Tykes car out in the backyard you can drive any time.


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## Cakes (Jul 30, 2002)

Hey Ladies I have a Little Tikes car too.(although I'll have to get permission from my 18 mos old son to borrow the keys).........Can I be an MOSC? I'm sure I can find a cool hat somewhere in the dress up draw. I've been practising the blah blah blah hand gesture all day with my four year old. I'm getting really good at it.

Julianne


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## Sonya (Apr 5, 2003)

I have never in my 33 years felt like my life had nearly the meaning it does now that my 13 month old boy is in my life. I'm so grateful. Just a glance at that adorable little man and my whole soul smiles...really, really smiles!!

Nonetheless, at the end of the day, when he hasn't had a nap, has thrown my freshly folded clothes on the floor for the 2nd time (who knew he could reach that high now?), and decides to entangle his tiny precious hands in my hair (oooowwwww!) as I bend over to pick it up AGAIN....All I can think of is how to manuver my foot around to KICK HIM OFF OF ME!!









Of course I don't actually do it, but it's my brains first solution!! Us women get so wrapped up in being the best darn mommy on the planet we tend to forget we're human first and formost!!

I love my little guy more than words will EVER be able to describe. I truly enjoy being with him, and tend to miss him if my DH gives me a break longer than 30 minutes, but there are times when I think if he doesn't fall asleep in less than 30 seconds....I'm going to start screaming and may never be able to stop!!

Being a Mommy is the hardest job on earth (and the most fabulously rewarding!!) Thank Heaven for places like these to share our hardships with others like us. Even my DH looks at me like I'm the anti-christ when my "kick him off of me" face appears. You have to be with the little boogers in the full-out, no breaks way on a regular basis to truly get how you can get that frustrated about the most precious gift God ever bestowed on any human!

It feels good to really know we're not alone, huh?

Thanks for listening!!


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## marblesmama (Apr 5, 2003)

I am going to remember this thread for the times when I AM LOSING IT! Thankfully, right now, all is well in our world (relatively speaking). So, I was trying to think of what I do that does work when my toddler twins are driving me bonkers...

Sometimes, they're just hungry (and haven't learned to tell me).

Sometimes, I start yelling and then in the middle of it my brain is saying "Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet" Then, I am either (1)able to abruptly switch to quiet voice or (2)still yelling, say that I have lost my temper and will try to stop yelling as soon as possible! Then, of course, it's the standard, "Wow, that wasn't a really good choice I made, was it? What would a better choice have been?...That's right, using a quiet voice and getting some space. I love you guys a lot, but it's awfully hard when you're ...."

Sometimes, I have the presence of mind to realize that what they really need is my attention...ALL of it. So I get them to sit in my lap with my arms around them, which is our way of calming down, centering, and getting ready to try again.

Sometimes, I say, "You have a lot of energy, don't you? Let's clean up everything and bounce balls, or jump and spin, or..."

Sometimes, I actually let curse words fly out of my mouth and do all kinds of things that are inappropriate...and then take a deep breath, realize that it didn't help at all, and that I've created a situation that I need to apologize for (again!), and try to use it as a learning experience to help dd and ds learn how to handle their anger and regroup. I do NOT want them to grow up thinking that they have to be perfect in order to measure up. I DO want them to have the skills and motivation to make good choices.

My biggest motivation currently for keeping the cussing to a rarely heard, can't help it, explosive instance is that EVERYTHING comes back, and I'd rather hear my two year olds say "Oh my GOODness" with great conviction and emotion, than anything that would make me cringe.

Sometimes, I pull out one of our few videos and gain some precious minutes for myself.

And sometimes, none of it works and I wonder how I will survive the day. But I always do. It's great to know that I'm in good company.

one last note...from a friend w/ a 4yo, get them dressed the night before...that way, they wake up in clean, albeit wrinkled clothes. Or let them wear their jammies, or nothing, or whatever is minimally acceptable for safety!


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## chicklet (Dec 23, 2002)

Ok mamas - it looks like we need a froum for the frazzled mom- somewhere where the mom who is just about to pop her top can come for some









Whaddaya think?

BTW - what is it with 4 year olds? My dd has become another speices!!


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

Quote:

get them dressed the night before...that way, they wake up in clean, albeit wrinkled clothes. Or let them wear their jammies, or nothing, or whatever is minimally acceptable for safety!
I do that all the time. My boys think that sweatpants are pajamas.









Quote:

BTW - what is it with 4 year olds? My dd has become another speices!!
No kidding!







I was wondering that same thing. We just had one of "those" mornings and all I can say is "thank goodness for NAP TIME!!!!!"


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## Cakes (Jul 30, 2002)

You know I am so glad others are having challenges with their four year olds. I really thought I was the only one. I am going to try and rewrite/update our morning list. That way I can calmly ask her to check her list when she starts wandering or asking me "what did you say to do?" I am also going to let her start doing her own hair. I am beyond caring what it looks like as long as it is not a rats nest. Can't wait to see what happens with the five year old................

Julianne


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## chie96 (Apr 2, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mojomom_
*You know it is nice to feel you have a safe place to come and air these things out and not worry about being judged







*
I am sitting here in tears







- I am not anywhere near reading through the posts on this and am just overwhelmed. I truly thought I was the only one - the only mom who just feels like she might loose it sometimes. The only mom who could both love and very much dislike her child at the same time.

Luckly for me, our DD (18.5 mos) is generally a very easy baby. But the past few days have been hard. She's just trying my patience, I am exhausted, and DH is out of town. Sometimes I want her to just go away and leave me alone for awhile and that makes me feel like the worst mother on the face of the Earth. Sometimes I just come in here and sit at the computer and "shoo" her away (try to get her interested in anything other than me - lol...I will even put in _The Wiggles_ DVD and park her in front of it sometimes...and feel badly about *that*). Plus I am lonely for adult conversation. Two hours once a week at play-group isn't cutting it.

Anyhow, it's wonderful to know that I am not a bad mother and that I won't be judged for saying that sometimes I get pretty frustrated around DD. Having a forum like this helps so much, and I am already learning so much from everyone. Thank you to whoever it was that started this thread


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## chicklet (Dec 23, 2002)

jbcjmom- WOW!! Your 4yo takes NAPS?







DD stopped napping at 2 1/2!

I'm not sure what it is but my dd changed so much after she turned 4. I thought that she was still adjusting to the baby, but she has become a very headstrong firey little bugger! She constantly engages me in power struggles, and all I want to do is read a sentence in a magazine article!!

We have a chart on the fridge for the "biggies" - things she is expected to do every day and if she does them without me having to ask more than say 2-3 times ( I like to think of it as more like reminders) then she gets a star for that task that day. But no- she wants flowers, not stars. Okay!! So we're going with flowers now, and sad faces if she doesn't do what she is supposed to be doing. Some of the examples are getting dressed, brushing teeth, quiet at bedtime.

I have to say it's totally EXAUSTING keeping up with her, with her whims! With the chart!! Things used to be so easy, she never even went through the "terrible two's". She's always been ray of sunshine!! But now-







- and I have the baby to contend with as well. I have never been a yelling mama but lately she's just pushing ALL my buttons. Of course she does a lot of this kind of behavior in front of my parents or in-laws and makes me look like some kind of negligent mom - as if they all don't think i'm weird enough (AP- you know?) I get the " I didn't let you get away with that behavior when you were young" from my mom and I have to make excuses or ignore it or grit my teeth!!

Lord help me - what's this kid going to be like at 13!! I sure hope this is just a normal thing she's going through now - seeing how far she can push me. Glad to hear from other mamas that the fours are tough all around.

And boy, I sure need a visit from the patience fairy. Isn't her name Valium??


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## Cakes (Jul 30, 2002)

Chicklet, are you sure you are not describing my four year old??? What is it with that age? Especilly girls. My 4 yo was never a difficult kid but now....oh boy. Either she is off in her own world and tunes me out or she out right refuses to do whatever I have asked her to do. And the back talk. I know we want them to be able to express them selves but at what point does it become rude?
So here is my lastest problem.......example: I will ask her to open the drain and get out of the bath tub, after four times I will open the drian myself and start to lift her out of the tub. She will hop right back in the tub, plug the drain and then open the drain herself and get back out of the bathtub by herself. What is up with that? This happens with so many situations. She undoes what I have done and then does it herself.
Any comments??

Julianne


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## DarkHorseMama (Mar 8, 2003)

The anger issue is one that I have been dealing with for a long time, too. I have been on Zoloft for nearly four years to help me deal with depression issues. We do not yell in our house, but I've been yelling at the dog and (ashamedly) my DD far too often. Sometimes even in her face







, but usually from across the house when I'm trying to get something done and she's whining.

It came to a head during an Attachment Parenting session at my LLL conference last April. I was relating my concerns to a group when I broke down and cried.







Actually, a lot of us in that room cried over the same thing. The group was being led by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, the co-founders of Attachment Parenting International. Barbara calmed us all by letting us know that our reactions were not uncommon to what she had seen many times before. As the child becomes the parent, long-buried problems start squelching back to the surface as you, in a sense, start to re-live your own childhood through your child.

Just know that you're not alone! I consider myself to be a devoted AP parent who adores my DD more than anything else on this planet, but that doesn't mean that I am perfect or have my own concerns that need to be addressed. Zoloft made a HUGE improvement in my marriage and outlook when I started taking it. But I've also looked to counselling therapy to supplement (a step that I've overlooked up to this point).

I think that our strongest, most intense emotions are reserved for the love of our children, but sometimes those strong emotions can swing the other way as well. My DD can absolutely enrage me at times...like no one else on earth. But I keep reminding myself to not check my emotions but try to let them out in the most productive way possible. Hugs to all my sisters in sympathy.


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## mother4good (Mar 16, 2003)

Wow--you know it is funny, I always thought the natural mommas were the perfect and patient ones! I always felt like I wasn't quite good enough for the LLL and Mothering types because I tend to be a yeller!







THANKS LADIES!







I feel better reading all this!

One thing I have noticed is my kids either get bored or tired. I have 2 boys 2 and 3. If we are sitting at home for days doing nothing out of the house, they are bored and need to get out--this helps us all because they only want to veg in front of the TV if they are home or else they are DESTROYING something. But when I have them overscheduled they get so worn out they act like hellions and I turn into "angry mom". Today we are having "stay home day". Sometimes we have "pajayma day" were we refuse to get dressed all day. I find this kind of resets their clocks. And mine. But BALANCE IS KEY for me! Ifind they look forward to it and actually ask "when is stay home day?"

I also draw a disctinction between yelling and raising your voice. I too feel my boys don't even hear me unless I count 1,2.. or if I raise my voice or talk through my teeth to them! hee hee. But to me that is not yelling. That is getting attention. Yeling and screaming at them is a no no, but I'll admit I have fallen a few times. Mostly before my DH stopped working 12 hr days leaving me a single parent. Life is much smoother now and my very, ahem, VERY active boys can wrestle with daddy or something on the days it is too yucky to get much exercise outside.

When I was a kid, we had a partially unfinished basement that my mom would send us to to wreak havoc while she undoubtedly cleaned up the messes we had made upstairs. I can remember roller skating down there with my brothers forever to release the energy. I think I may need to look for this in the next house we buy!









Blessings to you all who try SO HARD! I have to believe in the end that is what will teach them more than the "moments" we have!


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## mother4good (Mar 16, 2003)

I will even put in _The Wiggles_ DVD and park her in front of it sometimes...and feel badly about *that*).

DON"T beat yourself up!

When my 1st son was born we moved 3 hours away from the nearest friend or family. We lived in hotel room for the first 3 months of his life. I understand stress! There were days I put on baby Bach or whatever video I had just so I could sit across the room and not be touched! Sometimes I cried. To this day, I let them watch a video while I shower because it is the only thing they will hold still for. Just because TV is modern doesn't mean it is the devil.







(that's what I thought before I was a parent!)

My boys loved the Wiggles when they were younger and we found ourselves singing and dancing right along with them. Although I never seem to get time to do aerobics, dancing along with the Wiggles sure burns some fat! And kids energy! We even took a family trip to see them live.

My point is...we are all human. We do what we have to do to survive. Had I not had a few outlets like stroller walks and TV, I am not sure what I would have done. Especially when I was in PPD and really having crazy thoughts in my mind--and a hubby who was gone 12-14 hours each day and NEVER heard the baby cry when he WAS there. I sling and sing when I can, but when I can't mentally get there, I am sure glad for neighbors (now) and TV and books on tape and the wind blowing in the trees and long drives with the Munchkins strapped into the carseat....you get the point!

I wish you well!


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## mother4good (Mar 16, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by chie96_ I will even put in _The Wiggles_ DVD and park her in front of it sometimes...and feel badly about *that*). [/B]
Sorry--that was supposed to be a quote!


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Wow! I'm so glad that there have been SO many responses-honest ones-to my initial thread. I have this theory that PPD (although I realize it is often chemically-based) and general mothering stress would not be so damn rampant if we had COMMUNITIES again. Real communities where mothers could share there day-to-day stresses and upsets and even get some child care here and there. I think many of us are now parenting in isolation. I know I live in a neighborhood where there are few little kids and even fewer SAHMs. If it weren't for ACTIVELY looking for activities with other moms (LLL, playgroups, gym-type classes, etc) there would be no one around me who I could relate to.

Well, I'll get off my soapbox now. My DS is becoming such a challenge so fast. He is such a spirited little soul and is WAY mature for his age. He is the same size as a lot of two year olds and is behaving in many ways like he's that age. It is hard b/c he is only 15 mos and cannot reason why certain behavior is wrong/inappropriate, etc. That's my biggest challenge lately. Dealing with his maturity level and remembering how young he really is.

Anyway, this morning I let out a "GD!" b/c DS was going limp while I was trying to lift him to his changing table (standing or the floor won't usually work). I apologized to him, but I really wanted to keep saying "GD!GD!" really, really loud. He has also been BITING me like crazy b/c he's teething. Some days that alone could put me over the edge.

What a learning experience this is for all of us. I will try to remember all of your words the next time DS is going nuts and I just want to leave town!


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

I know, it is so hard to believe that SAHM can cooperate with WOHM, but if people look beyong lables, it is possibale to find a COMMUNITY. My good neigbours are SAHMS and I am a WOHM. we excahnge babysitting, food and barter many things. we look at each other as people. People with diffrent paths but same goals. Essentially, eveyone, the friend the enemy and the stanger want the same thing.... to be happy. People do not have to be the same to help each other to relive the parenting stress. My MIL is a republican and very different form me in many ways, but I go to know her and her sad childhood, and yes, in her house my kids exposed to some values that are differnet from mine..... I do not care, it beats the insane asulumn. we have interesting disscussion for dinner


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## HotMama (Oct 26, 2002)

I'm learning to scream and cry! I just started learning to do re-evaluative counseling, or co-counseling, and it is helping me release pain and "stuckness" from my childhood which was getting in my way of being a grounded Mama. There's lots of info on the internet about it.


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## artgirl (May 17, 2002)

Last night was a tough one. DD pooped at 2 a.m. so I had to get up to change her diaper. I was very careful to be quiet and gentle so as not to wake her up and get her all stimulated in the middle of the night. We got back into bed and she wouldn't sleep so I nursed her which she was happy about. But not happy enough to SLEEP. I sang, I bounced, I rocked, I walked... no sleeping! She burped a couple of times and I thought "ahhhh, NOW she'll sleep". Nope. I was sitting in bed bouncing her in my arms and she decided that she would methodically, one by one, pull out my hair.







Okay, then her arms are flailing because I grab her hand to stop her from making me bald and she smacks me in the face...














Have I mentioned that dh is out of town for 2 weeks? Because normally this would've been a case for him. So, long story short... she FINALLY fell asleep at 4 a.m. and I still have a few strands of hair left. Thank God for this board and some of the books I've read. I think someone here posted "try to remember that your baby isn't awake to make you mad, that something is wrong"... I just kept thinking about that... and luckily some of the songs I sing to her have good words that make me think better thoughts. Like "you are my sunshine" because even in the middle of the night when I just want to put her out in the yard so I can sleep... she still is my sunshine. AUGHHH...
So I'm at work now. No time for a nap.


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## wwhippetcrazy (Mar 3, 2002)

There must have been something going on in the "universe" yesterday, cause I too really, really lost my cool!









Dd has been sick, but was feeling better (or so I thought) yesterday, so we went to town to get groceries. No problems there, the problem was on the drive home....she whinned that awful awful whine all the way (45min drive







: )....I finally just lost it and yelled at her with some not so nice words, then I just lost it and cried and cried and yelled at myself for being such a bitch...etc....you know the talk right???







.....

She fell asleep during my rant to myself....and looking at her in the rearview mirror, she looked so peaceful, that I couldn't stop crying for yelling at her. She was still sleeping when I got home, so I laid it out to dh.....he was a good listener atleast, but didnt say much except "everyone yells at there kids, I'm sure she forgot about it already".....then I thought of all of you....and that helped







....in my rant I asked for my inner voice to speak a little louder next time I am loosing my cool.....

Needless to say, we had a wonderful night last night....cuddled and today is looking like a good day too....I really feel better after my cry and rant, I just wish I handled it differently kwim?? Today though, when she whines, I've been telling her "mommy doesn't understand your whinny voice, talk nicely so I can understand"....and then I leave it at that....I use to continually say stop whinning over and over until I finally lost it (especially when she's in a whinny mood







: ).....

I totally agree that alot of the problems are lack of help....I have made a great friend the last year, but all our family are far away, so no help there. Not to mention that the snow/cold was back this week, so that didn't help! Dh works 12 hour shifts...so he's gone 14 hours with the commute....and this past two weeks he's been on nights, so he sleeps when he's home....it sucks! I'm definately going to take advantage of the sun today though....and when dh is off this weekend too!

Jen
p.s. Thanks for listening! And thanks again for this post Bearsmama!


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## alsoSarah (Apr 29, 2002)

Thought this could use a "bump".


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## kaya3 (Nov 30, 2001)

OMG thank you thank you thank you. I needed to see this thread today, as I had a bad mom day. My 4 1/2 year old knows how to push my buttons so well, and today he was so dead on balls accurate. it's funny reading through this, because every one was saying they wish their 4 year old would just get dressed! I was just talking to dh about this tonight, wondering if it was normal for our 4 yr old ds to hve to be told to get dressed 17 million times. it sounds like it is, as you are all saying it. geeze, i'm right there with you, all of you. The only other thing i can add is that when i do loose it and yell, i always talk about it after, and I apologize, and we work it out. i think it id the respectful thing to do
good luck to everyone, and thanks for the laughs!


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

bs"d

I think I'm having one of those days...

Dd goes from breast to breast once every 5 seconds. I guess neither is what she really wanted. She cries and screams if I won't let her switch. She wants to use the computer. She keeps climbing on the table and the computer desk. If I take her off she cries. She is mad that I won't let her play with the phone (she called 911 earlier today). She is only 14 months old. I am scared of two on days like this.


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## robugmum (May 1, 2003)

Wow, I am so glad I found this thread! It has been such a long time since I have come across such honesty. I feel so comforted knowing that other good mamas also feel like I do. That no matter how much we adore our babes there is a very real and scary feeling of desperation that comes up too. I hear people talk around the anger they feel toward their kids but few will admit that they really feel rage. I have yelled, screamed, pounded my fist into the wall and slammed doors so hard that paint chips come flying off! I have locked myself in the bathroom so that I could scream without interruption. My strategies for dealing with those feelings are:
-leave the room after explaining that Ï am so angry right now that I am leaving so that I can calm myself down"
-get all of us out of the house as soon as possible (we all seem to feel so much better as soon as we get outside!)
-call dh or another adult on the phone so that I can listen to a grown up ( I have literally called dh at work and demanded that he "just talk")
-make myself a cup of tea (its hard to be angry with a mug of hot liquid in my hand!)"

I would love to hear some more ideas!


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## ilex (Apr 30, 2002)

Oh this is such a good thread. I have come back to it now and then, and I am glad it is here. Today I really needed to read it. It has been a tough month for us, we moved to a new community, a small one, where we know no one, no family, no friends...what were we thinking???







I always think I can be so self-sufficent and independent and then I realize, yeah, it would be really nice to have someone around to talk to, to just relax with and have a cup of tea with. My dh is gone from 6am to 8pm and some nights a week. I am very alone, and starting to feel quite depressed.
My 28 mo dd is an angel, and I am blessed by her sweet nature, but she is feeling my stress too, and she misses her dad. I am having days where it is a struggle not to yell, not to want to just put that video on and go have a two hour bath. I don't put the video on, but I do yell at times, and it is at these times that I feel like I have really screwed up, that I have damaged our relationship permanently because I lost my cool for a moment. And I don't know what to do about feeling this way.When I get upset and then see my baby's face and see her get upset b/c I just couldn't keep it together it just sends me into remorse. And I feel horrible for days. And I feel that she lost trust in me for that moment and that kills me. And I am afraid I can't get that back, that little piece of trust that goes everytime that happens. All I can think of is how to make it up to her, how to convince her for the next twenty years that I love and adore her.

And it also drives me crazy how I can see that my anger or frustration or impatience brings out in me the way I was raised, which was not too pleasant, and I hate that I am letting that get the better of me. But then I come here, and I feel better, still guilty, but better, just knowing that I am not alone. Thank you all you wonderful women.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Hi EVERYONE!!!

Wow! I'm so relieved and happy that this thread was resurrected. I haven't been on the boards in literally months (computer trouble, a move, etc). I've missed it soooo much.

When I first wrote this thread it was WAY back in March. I can't believe that 6 months have passed. When I started this thread, I was in the first stages of dealing with my baby having turned into a real little human with LOTS of emotions and frustrations AND a mind of his own. It was quite a rude awakening for me. His personality really blossomed early and I don't think that I was prepared for the path that we were heading down so soon.

Anyway, the ONLY thing that's changed for me in terms of my feelings of frustration and anger is that I now KNOW what my patterns and his patterns are. I know his triggers as well as mine (lack of sleep, hunger, having a low self esteem day, etc). I would say that these 'bad' days happen less and less now. Although tonight I completely bit the heads of both DH and DS b/c I was trying to make the bed and DS just couldn't stay off of it. Is that stupid or what???

So, I really like that this thread is still here. It makes me feel NOT alone. This would be a great place to continue to vent. It's really helpful.

Oh, and bellasmum, I could have written your post. The trust thing kills me. Seeing my boy's little face looking at me after I've freaked out or stormed off. He's like "what the hell is happening??" I don't know what to say about it other than I'm out here, too. Love and HUGS to all of you..........................


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## robugmum (May 1, 2003)

So, about the video thing. Is it really such a bad thing to let your kids be entertained for a bit by something other than you when you really need a break. I honestly used to be one of those people who vowed never to let my kids be "babysat"by TV or videos. When I'm about to lose it, though, I'll admit I do sometimes turn on Treehouse TV or pop in a video. I feel like my kids are better off watching the dreaded blue box than being screamed at. If I can buy myself 30 minutes (or more) of relative peace to make a cup of tea or read or leaf through a magazine (or write posts on MDC) then I can breathe and decide on a plan for when the video is over. I know its not great parenting, and I do feel guilty about it, but the longer I am a parent the more I've had to question the things I once held to be absolutes. Yes, sometimes I choose to do what's easiest. My children have consumed food that is not organic, they have worn disposable diapers and they have (gasp) watched TV. They do not do these things all the time but they do do them. I really feel like we mama's have to give ourselves a break sometimes. We're all doing the very best job we can. We all seem to realize the need to allow our children to grow and change their minds and make mistakes. When will we start to allow ourselves the same?


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## Kelso (Jan 28, 2002)

Thank You Thank You Thank You.......
I'm also really glad to have found this thread. I thought that I was the only one who did this yelling/snapping/angry thing. Dd is almost five, but I swear I spent most of her 4th year saying, "will you PLEASE get DRESSED"!!!!!!! Last week ds was obsessed with electricity--plugging and unplugging everything in sight--baby proofing does not work with him (34mos)--turning on the vacuum (I did tell him that next time I would do it with him, maybe he'll like it and do it all the time







), climbing up and turning on the TV; putting 2 or 3 discs into the CD drive on the computer. Some weeks I feel like all I do is nag and yell and give time outs(for me as much as them). We all went out to a lighthouse on an island nearby with another family last Sunday, and we generally had a good time, but I ended up yelling a both dd and ds for not listening/cooperating and that part of the day ended badly. Every one was in bed by 6:45 that night. Well, not the adults, but It was a relief to get back to work the next day.
Afterwards, I also try to talk with dd and I'm starting to talk with ds. I apoligise for my behavior, but I also try to remind them that when they cooperate (they actually do know what that word means) the day is much more fun for all of us.
kelso


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## cat_astrophe (Sep 22, 2003)

Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has THOSE days. Friday was one of those. The baby was fussy because he is teething, and my 3 year old was having one of those days when it seems like someone has given him a very large dose of speed and turned off his ability to hear my voice. I was running on little to no sleep because of the teething, daddy was at work until almost 9:00, and I was afraid I was gonna have to call my sister and beg her to come over and sit with the kids for a little while so I could run around the neighborhood screaming just to get it out. Luckily, my 3yo finally crashed for almost 2 hours, and the baby contented himself in the sling.

As far as the cursing goes, hubby and I have developed a code. "mmmKay..." is code for the f word, for instance. We also have hand signals that we use. It is almost as good as actually saying the word as long as you hear it in your head. Jarod has started saying "mmmmKay..." and it strikes me as funny, allthough no one outside of me and dh gets it.


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

thanks for the bump on this thread - just what I needed today.....have BTDT with everything mentioned. Had a bit of a yell today - and ds promptly repeated just what I said ' DAMMIT!' so needless to say I feel pretty crappy







Anger is a huge issue for me and I really need to go and see someone to work throught it.

Anyone know where I would find an AP friendly therapist/counsler? I would really like someone to talk to about all my issues, but not someone who is going to say "well just wean your baby (17 months) and make her CIO and start using punishments....ect...ect..."


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## neveryoumindthere (Mar 21, 2003)

*


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## peacefulmom (Jul 20, 2002)

Wow I am so thankful for your thread...my DD is turning 2 and my daily vocabulary is lets not...dont hit..dont push..get off the dog..please eat..lets not pee on the floor. I adore my babe my Dh gets home around 11;00pm from 2 jobs and I am a SAHM but go to school 3times a week...I really eel like I want to stand in the middle of my very small duplex in the middle of my 2 dogs and dear babe and pull All my hair out...well I will remember next time I feelthis way you all may b going through the same....GOOD LUCK AND MUCH LOVE


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

:LOL

Wow, now this is a thread I can relate to ...









Sorry to tell you, spent DS#1's 4th year almost exclusively trying to get him dressed ... and the 5th year is now half-over and am still trying to get him dressed.

And every night go through his nonsense with rolling over DD at lights-out, and DD then proceeds to scream/cry, and he then insists on either (A) trying to push her out of wherever she was laying, or (B) whining that he wants to sleep where she is, or (C) singing in a really really really loud voice ... (yeah, maybe he's done with the family bed, huh?)

Try to on-the-spot meditate; sometimes it works. Then again, sometimes not.

Have (ashamed to admit) occasionally stormed into the bathroom and used a few bathroom-appropriate words in what I hoped was a low voice ...

Remember, mamas, they'll someday be teenagers.

G-d help us.


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## HotMama (Oct 26, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by saffiyya80_
*i grew up in a VIOLENT household and after getting married i felt like phew! it's over, i'm outta there, but then after having her i have those days that i scare myself with the thoughts or feelings that come up --it feels like pure rage sometimes and i feel like maybe all that anger i wasnt allowed to express while living with my parents is coming up now in the stressful situations, cuz it needs to come out..*
I've been really hitting this issue lately (no pun intended.







). My first response when frustrated is to want to spank...I know it comes from me experiencing this as a child, but I get so sad. I can't imagine a situation worthy of spanking dd and it's there inside me.

I'm finding friends are great...talking about it helps. I'm also going to read Mary Sheedy's book Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. It was recommended on a listserve I'm on. Who's in Control This article is always grounding for me. It reminds me that the power struggles are often what bring me down, so to speak. I'd love to hear other people's coping mechinisms for the same situation...how do you just leave the room? What do you do?

Oh yeah, I also have noticed I have more patience when I take care of myself, get exercise, etc. Right now I have a cold and I am a royal grump. Luckily dd reminds me regularly what's important with those smiles. Isn't it wonderful how our children push all the right buttons to get us clear deep down inside, not just on the surface?







ild


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## HotMama (Oct 26, 2002)

Who's in Control? The unhappy consequences of being child-centered
Try that, and if it doesn't work, try this

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

Also, if you go to the continuum concept network home page, it will giv3e you lots of thought provoking articles...I find myself going ah ha! a lot.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Hi all! I check in on this thread every now and again-especially on days that I need it. This week has been one of those weeks. I'm so happy that this thread is still going... we are not alone. We are all struggling in some way. I wish IRL friends could be so honest...


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## USMCbaby (Dec 1, 2002)

BUMP!

Quote:

i grew up in a VIOLENT household and after getting married i felt like phew! it's over, i'm outta there, but then after having her i have those days that i scare myself with the thoughts or feelings that come up --it feels like pure rage sometimes and i feel like maybe all that anger i wasnt allowed to express while living with my parents is coming up now in the stressful situations, cuz it needs to come out..
This is exactly how I feel right now. I am losing my mind because DH is gone for work this week. Usually on weekends I can relax and have a few minutes for myself. The really scary thing is that he is deploying for 7 months and I wish I got to leave for that long. I feel like a terrible mother.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

You deserve more than a few minutes y yourself
I am amazed at your strenght. I could not let my Dh go for 6 months. I simply new I was nto capablle of doing it by myself for so long,
ONe of the way to get time to yourself is to form a babysitting co-cop with 2-3 like minded moms. This way you can get 2-3 hours to yourself on the weekend. It will put you in a better state of mind and you will be a bett calmer mom


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Wow! I am amazed and happy that this thread has been resurrected. It just goes to show that we are all struggling along, doing the best we can to parent our children.

I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote this. I think I should have just realized at 14 months that my DS was going to be a challenge for me and also teach me SO much about ME!

Nice to know that you are all out there!


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