# "No Gifts" request at birthday party?



## rosie29 (Aug 18, 2004)

We are planning a smallish birthday party for DS when he turns 3. It will be at a park, and we are inviting some family members and maybe 3-4 of his friends and their parents (who are friends of ours as well). We are pretty excited as this is his first real b-day party. His b-day falls near Mother's Day and for his 1st and 2nd b-days we just brought a cake to my grandma's house, where we were celebrating Mother's Day. That was fun too, but this is the first time we get to plan things the way we'd like them and have some friends come as well. Anyhow, we really truly don't want gifts. I know that my family will bring gifts but we can just put them in the car and open them at a later time. But as for our friends, we really just want their company and to have a fun day with food and playing at the park. I'd like to ask for no gifts on the invite, but does that just set things up to be akward? As in, some people will feel like they can't come empty-handed so they'll bring a gift, and that will make those who actually do follow the request, feel weird? Anyone have any BTDT experience with this?


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

I think if you want no gifts it's your right to ask for no gifts. I would call my family and explain you are doing a no gift party and if they bring something please leave it in the car or give discreatly. Yes, someone probably will bring and someone might feel bad they didn't, but it's your ds and your right to ask for no gifts.

Happy b-day


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

My experience with this is yes, it makes things awkward. I always mention to my close friends that my kids have enough stuff and that we really consider their presence the gift but they end up bringing a gift. I have had people ask me what my child wants for his bday (parents of school mates) and I always say really he just would love for his friends to be there, etc... talk about awkward.

I have come to the conclusion that people just feel the need to give and that yes they do feel like if they don't bring something they will feel odd. Also, at a certain age, the kids who attend really want to give a gift to their friend.

I do struggle with this every year. My main issue is how to get relatives to back off of the huge piles of gifts several times per year


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## *Lisa* (Dec 19, 2002)

I just went to a birthday party where there was a request for no gifts, and it was fine. The family members had clearly brought (a lot of!) gifts, but they were set aside before the non-family people arrived (and not opened during the party, of course). Everybody brought cards. I think that if your child's parents are friends of yours, it's easy enough to request no gifts without creating an awkward situation. The host of the party I went to sent out invitations to our play group over email, and she just said something like: "No presents please--I'm sure his grandparents will give him more than enough" with a little smiley face at the end...


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## dancingmama (Dec 18, 2001)

So far, all of our bday parties have been no-gift, and it's never been awkward at all. People usually bring a homemade card, and it's lovely.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

"Your presence is present enough" is a good line.... I think its apropraite(sorry i'm not guna try to spell that)


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## AllieFaye (Mar 7, 2007)

A child's birthday party with "no gifts" is awkward. Many people will just ignore the request and bring gifts anyway. The one or two that respect the request will feel like dirt when they see that some people brought gifts. The best way to say "no gifts" is to drop the "birthday" out of the party, and just call it a "party," without specifying that it is "for" anyone.

BTW, I have been that one and only one person who respected the "no gifts" request. I felt like dirt. Never, ever again. If it's the type of party where gifts are customary, I'm bringing a present.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

the whole "no gifts please" is so awkward (for so many reason, not to mention the fact that my kids would be crushed if they couldn't buy a gift or thought their gift would be unappreciated) that i tend to turn down the invite all together just to avoid the possibly of being in the wrong.


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

Okay, I don't mean this offensively, but why would you do that anyway? I would really like to understand...

Part of the greatest fun of going to someone else's birthday is watching them open and enjoy the gift you brought them. It's FUN to give someone STUFF. That's why we have these traditions. It removes the awkwardness from suddenly appearing on someone's doorstep with a present for them to open for no reason whatsoever.

It opens the door to a few times a year when you can give, and receive, without awkwardness or guilt.

I don't know about others, but I'd be disappointed not to get to give him something. I would probably be the one to have a gift in the car just in case you might be willing to let him take it home to open or something. But even then, I'd be kind of bummed I don't get to see him open it.

Once, I bought my neice a horse (a toy). She was supposed to be at grandma's house. We arrived, and only BIL had come- no one had even bothered to tell us the wife and kids wouldn't be there. He spent 5 minutes, took the gift for my neice, and left.

I was bummed out. I had wanted to watch her get her new toy, to see her enjoy it, to know if she liked it and if I could safely get her the same type of thing again.

I didn't get to enjoy ANY of that. It was very disappointing for me. Because I LIKE giving gifts, and you don't get a lot of excuses. So when you can without people looking at you like you just sprouted 3 additional heads... well, I like to take the opportunity.

I have always believed that birthday parties, while about the central figure who is celebrating their birthday, are not ALL about that person.

You are obviously entitled to do whatever you want, I am just trying to understand why you are taking away the main fun of birthday parties. It sounds more like fourth of july than a birthday party, to me. (Just an opinion, that's all)


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## Emilie (Dec 23, 2003)

In all honesty watching children open gifts- even my children- is not all that fun. LOL.
They are quite rude really most of the time and I am never satisfied with their response. I do not like it when a kid tears into gifts with no thank yous and it is expected etc.
I also dislike how gifts are compared- by other parents- ourselves-
I do not really like birthday parties at all right now.... and am not planning one for my son this summer. We are going to take the money we would have spent on gifts and go for a weekend getaway to St. Louis as a family to honor him.
Last year I just had a cake at the park and that was fine. But the stress for me of wondering who will come etc. I had a friend have a party for her 3 yo Sunday and 3 people came. Total. Some forgot- many had other oblifations.
I don't know.... I think it is fine to ask for no or small gifts.
Something along the lines of -
Your company is all that is requested to honor/celebrate Steve's 3rd bday.


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

I've done this for both DDs first birthdays. What I said on the invite was that our little one didn't know any different, and that if the party-goer really wanted to give something, we would love for everyone to make contributions to charities that helped other children. We even listed a few local ones. While there were definitely people who ignored us and bought gifts, we were so touched by the things other people did. One friend from Colombia gave a gift to the local children's hospital there. Another gave money to an organization that supported the families of Israeli soldiers. Another gave to a local charity for homeless single mothers and their children. One person even made a blanket to donate to a program that gives "blankies" to children in hospitals. Everyone gave our DDs cards telling them what they did in honor of their birthdays. It satisfied many people's need to throw money at a birthday, my need to not have more "stuff," and the needs of other children in the world.

Just a thought -- I hope you find something that works for you!


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amris* 
Okay, I don't mean this offensively, but why would you do that anyway? I would really like to understand...

I'm right there with you Amris. I have never understood this "No Gifts Please" concept. I don't want anyone to dictate to Me what I can or cannot buy.

I love the joy of Giving. So, that Joy is taken away from me when I am presented with "No Gifts Please".

How about NOT mentioning Gifts at all?









In my experience, I don't mention gifts at all. When family/friends get the Invite, they call me and say "hey, what are some things DS likes?" and THEN I can say *whatever*.

And *then* You can say "Oh, your presence is enough"


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

And if you don't want "stuff" just donate it to another child less unfortunate.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

It's tacky to ask for no gifts.

Why?

Because that means that you were EXPECTING gifts otherwise, which is rude and presumptuous. Gifts are gifts -- they should not be EXPECTED on any occasion.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amris* 
Okay, I don't mean this offensively, but why would you do that anyway? I would really like to understand...


1. We have a small house and too much stuff already.
2. We live simply and do not like clutter.
3. Most of our friends are on strict budgets.
4. My dd gets easily overwhelmed by gifts.
5. We care about the environment and do not want to add more "stuff", wrapping paper, packaging, etc..... to landfills.
6. Consumerism is rampant enough.
7. Dd says herself that she has too many toys.
7a. Dd plays mostly with mud and sticks anyway.
8. We do not want to perpetuate the idea that gifts are the most important part of turning a year older.
9. Guests presense IS more than enough.
10. We have BIG parties and no one wants to sit and watch 2 hours worth of gift opening.

For those who just cannot arrive empty-handed, I suggest cards, some wildflowers, a dish to pass, a funny photo/poem/story, etc......


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
And if you don't want "stuff" just donate it to another child less unfortunate.

I can see where one could think that this is a simple solution. But it isn't for me. It pains me that this stuff is even manufactured to begin with. And these are people I see daily, they are going to know it was given away. Luckily most of my friends have the same philosophy we do about "stuff" so the "no gifts" thing is not offensive and is pretty much standard at all parties.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
It's tacky to ask for no gifts.

Why?

Because that means that you were EXPECTING gifts otherwise, which is rude and presumptuous. Gifts are gifts -- they should not be EXPECTED on any occasion.

I used to agree with this. But it is no longer true. No one ever comes to a child's birthday party without a gift. It *is* expected. Our family friends are seriously broke and I know for a fact that some have not come to parties because they could not produce a gift. Dd's bday parties are about having all of her friends (mostly adult at this point) gathered together for a day of fun, not about what they can afford. I follow ettiquette pretty closely for most things but I do see the relief in guest's eyes when I ask for no gifts. Call it rude, but last year every single one of the 40+ people we invited showed up....without gifts. It must not have been too "rude".

And if this were really true, having a table to put the "not expected" gifts on would be rude. As would setting aside a time in the party for the bday kid to open them.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I was at a party where a flower was requested...I thought it was nice the dc whose b day it was seemed to love her huge colorful bouquet. I thought it was a lovely idea. I have been at too many parties where gift opening is hard for some of the kids. When a kid is surronded by a mountain of gifts it is a lot of consummerism for a young child. Even the parents trying to give their dc the kind of party their friends have. Not to mention the parents who have to try and free new toys from the confinds of its packaging.


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## dancingmama (Dec 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamama* 
I was at a party where a flower was requested...I thought it was nice the dc whose b day it was seemed to love her huge colorful bouquet. I thought it was a lovely idea. I have been at too many parties where gift opening is hard for some of the kids. When a kid is surronded by a mountain of gifts it is a lot of consummerism for a young child. Even the parents trying to give their dc the kind of party their friends have. Not to mention the parents who have to try and free new toys from the confinds its packaging.

Ooooh, I LOVE this idea! What a gorgeous bouquet that could make! I think I'll remember this one for our next party


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

I see. I haven't had the negative experiences with it, and in the culture (generalized to the bible belt, I think) where I was raised, these events are the only acceptable times to receive or to give. Well, you can give anonymously, but you don't get to see them enjoy the gift most of the time. And I'm afraid I REALLY enjoy seeing the enjoyment.









It's difficult for me to think of giving up the "only" socially acceptable opportunities to wrap something up and watch the person delight in opening it.

Spontaneous giving without anonymity was always severely frowned upon for most of my life by the people around me, so gift giving holidays are among my very favorites.

Fun to watch others enjoy things, you know?


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## EXOLAX (May 22, 2005)

Our eldest recently turned 6, and she decided on her own that she did not want any presents for her birthday. Her rationale: "I have enough toys and don't need any more, I really just want to spend the day with my friends having fun". She is currently going through her toys and planning a garage sale to sell her unused things to try to raise money for a charity she heard about and was really taken by.

For me presents can in many situations be much more for the giver then the reciever. This is what it is, and has caused problems for us in more then 1 situation where our child did not respond as was hoped by the giver of the gift or where I did not respond in the way that was desired. Gifts can come with expectations. That said, I do enjoy giving gifts as well, and I'd rather if I do give a gift that it be opened in front of me. Why? Well, because we like to see the reactions. And I would agree, while traditionally gifts are an option, it is more of an expectation in today's society.

We have gone to many parties recently where the invitation was written: "Your presence is the best gift" or some derivation and gifts were still brought. We opted for a more direct approach: "No Presents Please" and our DD was very happy with all of the handmade cards and the few handmade bracelets or stick dolls she recieved (no wrapped presents). There was nothing awkward about it at all. All in all, I feel it was less awkward because there was not this time where the birthday child opened each present and kids watched to see what she got or how she reacted to their specific gift. It was refreshing, and vocally appreciated by many of the parents.

For us as well since we are dealing school aged children she gets invited to many parties where we don't know the families or the child presonally. I watched as girls opened polly pocket after polly pocket and my little ponies. It is difficult to purchase for a child or family you are unfamiliar with, and I honestly felt DD made a good call because these are all things she wouldn't play with. Who wants to waste their time and money on a gift someone else is just going to re-gift or not appreciate?

I believe the scenario can be different for children of younger ages. In the past we've had 'long' parties for our girls where family comes over and we have a potluck and presents, then friends join at a specified time after presents and we do cake and play and crafts. We've tried to put the emphasis on celebrating their lives, and the day they were born and surrounding them with people they care about.

We still give our DD gifts, and so does family and that really feels like enough. Just celebrating her with friends is such a joy.

YMMV


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amris* 
I see. I haven't had the negative experiences with it, and in the culture (generalized to the bible belt, I think) where I was raised, these events are the only acceptable times to receive or to give. Well, you can give anonymously, but you don't get to see them enjoy the gift most of the time. And I'm afraid I REALLY enjoy seeing the enjoyment.









It's difficult for me to think of giving up the "only" socially acceptable opportunities to wrap something up and watch the person delight in opening it.

Spontaneous giving without anonymity was always severely frowned upon for most of my life by the people around me, so gift giving holidays are among my very favorites.

Fun to watch others enjoy things, you know?

I can see where you are coming from. I might feel the same way if the same were true in my experiences.

We have pretty "typical" parties for our 3 yo. Or at least "typical" in our circle of friends. These are big 12+ hour events that occur outside. In our case, that means our backyard. But for others it can be at a park, beach, basement, wherever. There is much young joy to watch. Kids on sugar highs chasing fireflies well past thier bedtimes. Kids gorging on the berries in our patch. Juicebox fights. Kids having endless attentive adults to toss them over and over into the lake or give piggyback rides. Being allowed to soak adults with the hose. Not having to wear shoes all_day_long. Crashing in sleeping bags around the campfire all dirty with bugspray and full of berries while the parents continue in quiet converstaion. Being allowed to play with sparklers. Stopping any of that for 1+ hours of rampant consumerism just seems wrong to me.


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

we have done no gift bday parties before. we end up getting gifts anyways.


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

You could say that you will be donating gifts to a charity or such. Or to bring canned foods, or something like that.


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## Lady Madonna (Jul 2, 2004)

We don't need extra stuff around the house, either. But I'm uncomfortable with saying "no gifts" because, as someone posted earlier, it feels presumptious and a bit rude.

Instead, for DD's last birthday (and this is pretty common among her circle of friends), we asked that guests bring a wrapped book to exchange instead of a gift just for DD. I made sure we had a few extra, just in case, and after cupcakes, every child got to pick a package. Everyone went home with a gift, we didn't end up with a pile of random stuff, and the kids loved it. At parties she's been invited to, there have been exchanges of things like art supplies or puzzles. All the guests have, to my knowledge, enjoyed the exchange. And there were no hard feelings about watching someone else get all the fun of opening gifts.

I highly recommend this approach. If you're doing a party at a park, you might suggest outdoor toys like bubbles or balls or chalk.


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amris* 
Okay, I don't mean this offensively, but why would you do that anyway? I would really like to understand...

Part of the greatest fun of going to someone else's birthday is watching them open and enjoy the gift you brought them. It's FUN to give someone STUFF.

My son is almost 4, and even the parties we have been to that have been gift-giving events, the presents have *never* been opened during the party. In our circle anyway (and I've seen this mentioned by others on parenting boards) it is just accepted that for kids this young, the presents should be opened later. The other kids get sad because they don't get to open any, the little one who is getting gifts doesn't know how to be "properly" appreciative, etc. The kids are slow at opening and everyone gets bored.

I think if it is just a family gathering, that is different. Usually that means there aren't a bunch of other same-aged children there, and since all the attendees are family, they mostly don't hink it's boring and don't mind if the child opens the present and doesn't exclaim "Thank you! Just what I always wanted!", but rather drops it on the floor to move onto the next present.


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## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

My daughter was just invited to her first "no gifts" party. I truly do understand why people do it, and I don't have a problem with it, but I felt that it was handled poorly in this case. First of all, some people DID bring gifts, so our little card felt inappropriate. My daughter was bouncing up and down, all excited to have the birthday girl open her card, but of course the child's attention was on the actual presents. Secondly, the family had also asked people to bring unwrapped toys to donate to a local crisis nursery (or else a cash donation.) Well, that's nice, but I really can't see asking a four year old to receive a pile of toys and then have to give them away - so we stuck a $10 bill in the birthday card, but that is also is not meaningful to a four year old.

What I wish the family had done was put the gifts they did get aside, and open them later. When the invitiation says "No gifts please" and then it's announced, "OK - time to open the presents!" it's just realy awkward for the guests who followed the instructions on the invitation.


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## jdedmom (Jul 11, 2006)

We tried this once....never again.

We invited 15 children; only 3 RSVPed and only 2 showed up (but that another thread entirely). I put no gifts and the other mothers were quite baffled. They did not understand it, questioned it, called me about it and brought gifts anyway.


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## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

We've always had no gift parties and it hasn't been a problem. Like a previous poster stated, we end up getting beautiful handmade cards instead!

A couple of other options that others have suggested (and we might implement when DD gets older and understands more what birthdays are all about) is to either do a book or a toy exchange with the kids. That way everyone gets a gift! The idea is everyone brings and wraps one book or toy they don't want anymore and then they exchange them...I thought it was an interesting idea.

Also for an older kid, having one or two friends and then doing something like an amusement park or other attraction is a good option.

The big thing around here is to throw these HUGE parties for like 40 or 60 kids, with tons of gifts and then the partygoers get these party favors that are worth as much of the gifts the kid got! It's really, really tacky and embarrassing - and expensive if you go to alot of parties (or to throw one!).

So we are trying to avoid that by having small parties with no gifts - and so far folks have been fine with it (well they may talk behind my back but I don't really care). I'm sure it will all change when my DD is older but for now it works fine for us!
good luck
peace,
robyn


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Diane B* 
What I wish the family had done was put the gifts they did get aside, and open them later. When the invitiation says "No gifts please" and then it's announced, "OK - time to open the presents!" it's just realy awkward for the guests who followed the instructions on the invitation.

This is a good case of why Gifts shouldn't be mentioned at all. "No Gifts Please" is quickly becoming a social fad with alot of people jumping on the bandwagon because it's thing to say (I am not talking about here on MDC...just in general).

So they (again Not MDC) don't really mean "No Gifts Please"....

I believe it's a regional thing. DS has never been invited to a "No Gifts" or "In lieu of gifts, please bring a book" B-Day party. They are simply not mentioned at all.

Further, all of the Parties he has been to, the Gifts go in a corner in a secluded corner by itself and are never opened during the party.

Another thing I have noticed at the parties DS has been to is gone are the days when only the Birthday Child is presented with gifts.

Now you see Kids leaving parties with gifts themselves! DS has gotten some really expensive Goody Bags ($20 worth).


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## orangecanoe (Aug 3, 2003)

For my youngest dd's 1st birthday, I made a photoshopped invite to send to family that said "Join us for brunch on such and such date/time" and at the bottom... "As your gift to E___, please consider a donation to the March of Dimes or the Kidney Fund" ...she has some minor medical issues that she was born with so people knew that these had meaning for us. She did get a few clothes and a book, but otherwise just cards where people told us where they had donated.

I don't find it tacky at all and certainly didn't mind that she got a few small presents. I think a fun day at the park is a great way to celebrate.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

My friend had a no-gifts party (we bought her one anyway







: ) but what she did do was put on the invite- in lu of gifts please bring kitty food to be donated to the local animal shelter. I brought kitty food too. I thought it was a cute idea and the little girl was so happy to have all that kitty food for the shelter!


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## panamama (Dec 2, 2006)

DS always gets more than enough from grandmas for b-day and holidays, so i tend to not get him gifts, or only one gift. for years now, i have said on invitations, "presents not necessary...just your presence and a sweet tooth" (b/c we always have a BIG CAKE!







). it works fine. very few bring gifts...and that's fine w/ all it seems. even DS. we don't open them at the party, and i like that there's little to no emphasis put on gifts. just good friends and good food and celebrating another year with DS. oh, and i have him write thank-yous to the ones who do give him gifts.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

I think no gifts parties are fine.

The thing to do, to avoid awkwardness, is when somebody *does* bring a gift (inevitable, really) to simply say "Thank you. DC will open this later." and then put it in another room, out of sight.

(And, of course, to send a thank you note, since the gift was not opened in the presence of the giver.)


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I've never had success with a "no gift" party, and I've stopped trying.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
1. We have a small house and too much stuff already.
2. We live simply and do not like clutter.
3. Most of our friends are on strict budgets.
4. My dd gets easily overwhelmed by gifts.
5. We care about the environment and do not want to add more "stuff", wrapping paper, packaging, etc..... to landfills.
6. Consumerism is rampant enough.
7. Dd says herself that she has too many toys.
7a. Dd plays mostly with mud and sticks anyway.
8. We do not want to perpetuate the idea that gifts are the most important part of turning a year older.
9. Guests presense IS more than enough.
10. We have BIG parties and no one wants to sit and watch 2 hours worth of gift opening.

For those who just cannot arrive empty-handed, I suggest cards, some wildflowers, a dish to pass, a funny photo/poem/story, etc......

EXACTLY! I am shocked at how many people are so attached to the idea of coming with a gift. Even with a small party I would NEVER let DS open gifts in front of a bunch of other kids (we usually only have about 5-10 at the MOST) And we get him what he needs anyhow. So it's not like he doesn't get some treats for his special day. We just do that party later as a family.

Well, how about the AP approach.







Rather than telling your guests what they can *NOT* do, tell them what they *SHOULD* do.

*1.* Bring pet food or useful pet items that we will donate to the local shelter (DS is keen on doing this for his upcoming birthday) Maybe even put a cat or dog pic on the invites or at the party for the kids to get into wanting to help that animals (even if it is just a magazine cat)

*2.* Bring one wrapped book and put in the basket. Every kid gets to pick one up on the way out.

*3.* A CHALLENGE: Please only bring gifts that are home made from something that you would normally throw away. Reuse and recycle!

*4.* Please only bring something we can eat (home baked muffins, etc).

*5.* Please bring flowers to add to a huge bouquet.

*6.* Place an absurdly low dollar limit on gifts in your invitation and ask people how creative they can be with the limited funds.

*7.* Ask each child to bring a can of food for a local food bank or a book for a children's charity. Nearing xmas, a wrapped toy for charity would be welcomed many places. This also teaches kids about service to others.

*8.* Specify a kind of gift that is inexpensive and small. For example: if you want to bring a gift, please bring a matchbox car for Jenny's collection, or something you may be doing in a home school project, or one train car for a train set.

*9.* Set up a scrap book, ask that each friend write something in it and decorate a page with something they bring. Great keepsake for when your kid is older.

*10.* Or do something other than a traditional party. Limit number of party guests by choosing special party activity or location that precludes lots of people (e.g, ''Only 5 fit on the boat.'')--and that birthday child really WANTS!

I think the parties offer a great teachable moment... from the kids who don't need more to the adults whose sights are set on uber-shopping & training their children to imitate them. Offer a different perspective!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Theoretically, I agree that it's tactless to even mention gifts on the invitation (i.e., no "The bride is registered at..." notes), but given the fact that I've never ever seen someone just decide to show up at a kid's birthday party without a gift, it's safe to assume that people who get invitations are going to bring a gift, and need to be told not to if that's what the parents want, so in that case it actually doesn't seem rude to me to use some version of the "Your presence is our present" line.

I do like the idea of just putting presents aside and opening them later. Our family has always opened gifts during the party, but that part is so stressful for me, since at DS's age I'm the one opening them and having to exclaim excitedly over each one, then wrestle with the packaging to try to show it to DS. It always takes forever, and I'm always worried that the guests are bored, DS isn't acting interested enough, I'm taking to long, I'm not giving a "good" enough reaction to each one, etc. Maybe I'll try the discrete pile thing next year. I'm sure it won't go over well -- inevitably someone will say, "Time to open presents!" Argh.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

ok since we are discussing it . . .what if someone has alerady gotten yuor child a gift (with or without expectation of a party invite). should they not give it at all? give it isceretly? what would you want in that situation? It is not unusual for us to have birthday gifts weeks before a birthday with the intent on gifting regardless of a party.


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## WalkingByFaith (Dec 29, 2006)

I guess I'm in the minority..lol! We have always had traditional birthday parties for ds where we send an invite, kids come and bring gifts and ds opens the gifts during the party. All the other parties we've ever gone to have gone like this (as have all the birthday parties I've been to in my 31 years of life







).

Ds enjoys seeing his friends open the gifts he gets for them. He usually puts a lot of thought and effort into choosing something he knows his friend will like...I think he'd be dissapointed if he didn't get to see them open it.

It's good to have our own ideals that we'd like to impress upon our children..but sometimes it's not all about *us* .


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

: so glad i don't celebrate birthdays anymore!


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## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

A long time ago when my mother was growing up in England, it was considered extremely bad manners to open gifts during a party, the thought being that inevitably, people end up comparing the gifts. Now that I have a child, I have attended birthday parties where gifts are opened during the party and parties where gifts are set aside and opened later. With younger children, I definitely prefer the latter.

With respect to "no gifts please" parties, my mother used to do this for my parties when I was very young and it worked well. I don't remember missing the gifts and we all had a good time. I think that it is important to really emphasize the point on the invitation though. No ambiguity. The book exchange idea is also a great one.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WalkingByFaith* 

It's good to have our own ideals that we'd like to impress upon our children..but sometimes it's not all about *us* .

It becomes about ALL of the inhabitants of my small house when 40-50 new items, many of which are of garish colors that make loud noises, become part of that living area. Avoiding rampant consumerism and living simply is not just an "ideal" for my family. It is a lifestyle choice.

And for the people who feel "shorted" for not being allowed to buy "stuff" for the birthday party, I guess I do not get it. When I throw a party, guests are getting great homemade food, games, entertainment, good beer, and fun. Is attending a bday party some sort of "chore" that needs to be repaid by requiring me to allow more stuff into my house? Stuff I have to find a place for, clean, move, store, and eventually offload.....right after I clean the 50 sets of dishes and the bathroom? I do not get it.

My dd is only 3.75 and is just now starting to form an opinion about this sort of thing. Up until now I could only go based on observing her. But last year, she started crying halfway through Christmas morning due to being completely overwhelmed by the shower of gifts the grandparents dumped on her (she is the only grandkid on both sides). This was not "joy". She was in misery. So much misery that for the second year in a row we felt that we, her parents, would be cruel to give her a gift from us and silently hid it. That is sad. Why would I want to put her through that on her birthday? And more importantly, why does a guest feel it is their "right" to put her through that? She has been clearly more than overjoyed to have her friends (kids and adults) around her to play and pick berries. That is the real gift to her at this point in her life. We know that as her parents and have asked people to respect that. Overiding that is rude IMO.


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
My dd is only 3.75 and is just now starting to form an opinion about this sort of thing. Up until now I could only go based on observing her. But last year, she started crying halfway through Christmas morning due to being completely overwhelmed by the shower of gifts the grandparents dumped on her (she is the only grandkid on both sides). This was not "joy". She was in misery. So much misery that for the second year in a row we felt that we, her parents, would be cruel to give her a gift from us and silently hid it. That is sad. Why would I want to put her through that on her birthday? And more importantly, why does a guest feel it is their "right" to put her through that? She has been clearly more than overjoyed to have her friends (kids and adults) around her to play and pick berries. That is the real gift to her at this point in her life. We know that as her parents and have asked people to respect that. Overiding that is rude IMO.

I think, like many issues that come up on this board, it's a matter of knowing your family and your kid. If the party is for your family and your kid, then it's absolutely rude for guests to go against party rules. My goodness -- if a friend's child was terrified of clowns, but I loved them and thought they were funny and great to hug, so I brought a big clown doll to the party as a gift, that would be downright cruel! Yooper's daughter is overwhelmed by presents and her family doesn't believe that they're a necessary part of the party. That should be respected absolutely.

That said, it would ALSO be inappropriate for Yooper to make a big statement at someone else's party about how wrong presents are and how she had NOT bought one for the birthday kid and she shouldn't HAVE to buy presents (not that Yooper has said she'd do this -- I'm sure she would NOT -- I'm just making a point). The bottom line? The party-giver makes the rules. Don't like the rules? Don't go.

I love some of the ideas I've read on this thread -- the book exchange, the flower bouquet, etc. It's so nice to think of all the things we could do to turn the celebration into a creative experience that extends beyond Toys-R-Us!


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WalkingByFaith* 
I guess I'm in the minority..lol! We have always had traditional birthday parties for ds where we send an invite, kids come and bring gifts and ds opens the gifts during the party. All the other parties we've ever gone to have gone like this (as have all the birthday parties I've been to in my 31 years of life







).

Same here. Even when they were little. There's never been a problem with other kids being mad because they don't have their own gifts. They get treat bags, play games, and eat cake. And they're told that they'll get presents on their own birthdays.


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
Same here. Even when they were little. There's never been a problem with other kids being mad because they don't have their own gifts. They get treat bags, play games, and eat cake. And they're told that they'll get presents on their own birthdays.

Yeah, I've never personally seen a birthday party for a kid without party favors for the other kids. The birthday kid gets MORE gifts, but everyone gets some little things to unwrap at the end.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fiddledebi* 

That said, it would ALSO be inappropriate for Yooper to make a big statement at someone else's party about how wrong presents are and how she had NOT bought one for the birthday kid and she shouldn't HAVE to buy presents (not that Yooper has said she'd do this -- I'm sure she would NOT -- I'm just making a point). The bottom line? The party-giver makes the rules. Don't like the rules? Don't go.


Yep. I agree 100%. Any time we are invited to a birthday party, we bring a gift unless we are asked not to. It is prety easy to find a gift that fits the bill as "appropriate" and also falls in line with my personal values. I do wish the world in general were less hell-bent on filling up every landfill with plastic, but I keep that opinion to myself at birthday parties. Other than my personal, private opinion, I really do not care what birthday policies others choose to have. If parents want a present-opening orgy as part of thier kid's party, go for it. We might leave early though







I can think of nothing less appealing than watching an over-stimulated child open an hour worth of presents. Actually I can..... That would be trying to keep my own kid under control while another overstimluated kid opens presents for an hour







But again, fundamentally, i have no problem with a parent choosing this for thier party if that is what they want. Lucky for me, even if presents are part of the party, the kids in our group tend to open them as they come in the door or save them for after the party.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
Another thing I have noticed at the parties DS has been to is gone are the days when only the Birthday Child is presented with gifts.

Now you see Kids leaving parties with gifts themselves! DS has gotten some really expensive Goody Bags ($20 worth).

I know, it's insane! My DD comes home with bags full of jewelry, pencils, hair clips, candy, etc.!

Funny story, at DD's 5th b-day party, I rented one of those blow-up jumpy houses (cost me about $300 for 3 hours). I provided the kids with "build your own sandwiches" for lunch (homemade bread, deli meat, veggies galore) along with watermelon, strawberries, grapes, pretzels, chips, juice. And then we had homemade ice cream in waffle cones for dessert. I also invited parents to stay and join in the lunch and had organic coffee and micro-brewed beer for them. Not only did several kids ask me "where's the cake?", I had 3 or 4 kids ask where their "goodie bag" was when they left! This party cost me around $500, and the kids just wanted that cheapo bought cake and goodie bags!









ETA: and I still don't give out goodie bags at her parties. I always provide a nutritious meal and a fun activity instead (we have a swimming party or go the zoo, etc.)


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

I hate goodie bags with a passion. 99% of them are filled with cheap plastic crap that immediately break. I hide them and then toss them after a few days. DD has never even noticed.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

For me, the most agonizing thing in the universe is opening gifts at my birthday party. It torments me so much, because I care so much about everyone feeling good and I never feel confident that I have shown enough enthusiasm over each gift, or thanked the person enough.

Christmas is so overwhelming and chaotic, because my parents always have so many people, that it is impossible to observe reactions to gifts and the pressure is off. Afterwards, I can approach each person one at a time and give them warm thanks.

Most of our birthday parties tend to be a few relatives (mom, dad, sis, grandma) around the dining room table. After dinner, mom brings out a cake and then the presents are opened during the eating.

(I personally hate the idea of getting gifts for people based on a schedule on a calendar. I would prefer if I could just give people what I found that they would like WHEN i find it, and not feel pressure to find something interesting at another time.)

My baby shower is coming up, and I am stressed about opening gifts.

Re party favors, I hate them. I almost always throw them away or give them away immediately after.

It is tough for me to find gifts for people that are appropriate and also don't violate my values. For example, my father would be exceedingly happy to receive a bottle of gin or a case of cigarettes, but I don't want to encourage their consumption.


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

A lot of people will really want to bring SOMETHING no matter what you say. Some friends of mine did this for thier son's birthday: they said "no gifts please, but if you really want to bring something, make a donation to the save the tigers fund, as that is __[child's]__ favorite animal"
That gave us the option to do something if we wanted to (and of any size) but there was no accumulation of STUFF... I am going to try to encourage that for most of our family's birthday parties now I think.


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xaloxe* 
Our eldest recently turned 6, and she decided on her own that she did not want any presents for her birthday.


ds decided similarly for his 6th birthday. He wanted to have his friends and cousins all come to the park and just play and have cake. No pile of presents.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rosie29* 
I'd like to ask for no gifts on the invite, but does that just set things up to be akward? As in, some people will feel like they can't come empty-handed so they'll bring a gift, and that will make those who actually do follow the request, feel weird?

Yes, and yes. Getting an invite with "no gifts please" just puts a pit in my stomach. There is no winning; I dread actually going because either way it is uncomfortable. Either you follow directions and feel like a heel or don't follow directions and know that you are the reason that someone else feels like a heel. I have never been to a no gifts party where there were actually no gifts.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllieFaye* 
A child's birthday party with "no gifts" is awkward. Many people will just ignore the request and bring gifts anyway. The one or two that respect the request will feel like dirt when they see that some people brought gifts.
BTW, I have been that one and only one person who respected the "no gifts" request. I felt like dirt. Never, ever again. If it's the type of party where gifts are customary, I'm bringing a present.

Exactly. What I do now is buy and wrap a gift, and leave it in the car until I see whether or not there are ACTUALLY gifts...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Madonna* 
for DD's last birthday (and this is pretty common among her circle of friends), we asked that guests bring a wrapped book to exchange instead of a gift just for DD. I made sure we had a few extra, just in case, and after cupcakes, every child got to pick a package. Everyone went home with a gift, we didn't end up with a pile of random stuff, and the kids loved it. At parties she's been invited to, there have been exchanges of things like art supplies or puzzles. All the guests have, to my knowledge, enjoyed the exchange.

Dd2 is going to a book exchange birthday on Saturday. Can't wait to see how it works out. Great idea!!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
Further, all of the Parties he has been to, the Gifts go in a corner in a secluded corner by itself and are never opened during the party.

We've seen this once or twice. Dd was brokenhearted not to see her friend open the gift she had lovingly chosen and wrapped for her. Unless there are an absurd number of presents (more than 15 or 20? even that is a lot...) I think you should open them at the party.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamachandi* 
My friend had a no-gifts party (we bought her one anyway







: ) but what she did do was put on the invite- in lu of gifts please bring kitty food to be donated to the local animal shelter. I brought kitty food too. I thought it was a cute idea and the little girl was so happy to have all that kitty food for the shelter!

Oh, my dd1 is an animal lover - she would LOVE this idea!!!! Then I'd have to take her to the shelter to deliver it - and she just adores going there. What a good idea!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Specify a kind of gift that is inexpensive and small. For example: if you want to bring a gift, please bring a matchbox car for Jenny's collection.

Set up a scrap book, ask that each friend write something in it and decorate a page with something they bring. Great keepsake for when your kid is older.

All your ideas were great but these two are my favorite.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bluebottle* 
i guess there are pretty huge regional and generational differences here. i haven't been to a party of any kind that involved gift-opening since i was about six

Wow, it must be regional! I haven't been to any non-gift parties (true non-gift parties) in my life. Trying to remember..... nope, I don't think so. Here the goodie bags are expected too; I could strangle the idiot who came up with that idea.... It is the birthday child's day; he or she gets the gifts. It will be your birthday next month. I cannot stand the "it has to be fair for everyone at every moment" gig. Welcome to the real world!







:


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## secondseconds (Jun 22, 2005)

Why not allow gifts, and then have your child choose some of them to give away to a shelter?


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

We also did no gifts for my son's birthday. I gave the option of providing a donation of new sock and underwear in men's and women's sizes for the homeless shelter. About half the people brought gifts, and about 30% brought donations for the shelter. Only about 20% came empty handed. it was really annoying to me. I wish that people would listen when you say no gifts. Especially when it is clear they went shopping AFTER getting notice we wanted no gifts.


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
I hate goodie bags with a passion. 99% of them are filled with cheap plastic crap that immediately break. I hide them and then toss them after a few days. DD has never even noticed.


I could live with or without them, but at one birthday party when DS was being particularly difficult, the promise of the goodie bag helped me to convince him it was time to leave! I was grateful for goodie bags that day!


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
We've seen this once or twice. Dd was brokenhearted not to see her friend open the gift she had lovingly chosen and wrapped for her. Unless there are an absurd number of presents (more than 15 or 20? even that is a lot...) I think you should open them at the party.

On the flip side, what if they had opened the gifts, and the little girl said "I already have this" or "I wanted a different one" or didn't say anything and moved onto the next gift? That may have been heartbreaking for your daughter too.

I would be a nervous wreck if my son opened presents in front of everybody, worrying about what he might say or if he would react enough or the way people wanted him to.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but here are my thoughts:

No gift parties are great, especially when a child is that young and is not expecting them. It takes the pressure off people to try to figure out what to get them, find the time to do so, etc. Now, if someone really wants to give a gift, in my experience they choose to do so on the sly or at a different time.

You could offer an option to bring something else fun: their favorite picture or poem, something for a time capsule, seeds to plant, a bead to make a necklace, etc.

I'm all for the no-gift party.


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## eightyferrettoes (May 22, 2005)

I adore no-gift parties! I don't understand why someone would feel anxious about not bringing a gift to a party that specifically requests... "no gifts!" Pretty explicit instructions, if you ask me.

Sometimes I get invitations to adult events that say "the only gift we want is the pleasure of your company" or something like that. As a woman who gives a lotta parties, I totally understand _that_ sentiment. "Just come be yourself! And don't bring me useless crap! Helping my party not be a flop is all I'm askin, people!"

I mean, if it was necessary to feel that you're somehow contributing, you could bring a bottle of wine, no?


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I've never been invited to a "no gift" party for a child, so this is all new to me. I like "gift" parties for a lot of reasons, one reason being I felt it was a good learning tool. Kids learn how to recieve gifts and be gracious and learn some social manners. We never had huge parties and people were pretty modest with gifts, even family members, so no one was ever overwhelmed. My kids also liked watching their gift being unwrapped at other parties and (hopefully) appreciated. Of course, there were always "I already have this" or "I wanted clothes, not toys", but usually the moms gently guide the birthday child into thank yous or at least find something positive to say. I think it is important for a child to learn this. I want them to know that giving is special and usually from the heart and it is important to make the giver know you appreciate it, even if it isn't something you especially wanted. I would also feel funny spending time picking out a gift (I usually buy books) and having the parent immediately give it away. I think if you really, really don't mean to keep the gifts, you should let the invitees know. That way they can decide whether to not bring a gift, donate, or just bring something generic. I think it is easier with older people - most people I know have what they need or want, so flowers or a bottle of wine is a great gift. I also do a lot of gift cards, since it is so hard to buy for some people.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primjillie* 
I've never been invited to a "no gift" party for a child, so this is all new to me. I like "gift" parties for a lot of reasons, one reason being I felt it was a good learning tool. Kids learn how to recieve gifts and be gracious and learn some social manners. We never had huge parties and people were pretty modest with gifts, even family members, so no one was ever overwhelmed. My kids also liked watching their gift being unwrapped at other parties and (hopefully) appreciated. Of course, there were always "I already have this" or "I wanted clothes, not toys", but usually the moms gently guide the birthday child into thank yous or at least find something positive to say. I think it is important for a child to learn this. I want them to know that giving is special and usually from the heart and it is important to make the giver know you appreciate it, even if it isn't something you especially wanted. I would also feel funny spending time picking out a gift (I usually buy books) and having the parent immediately give it away. I think if you really, really don't mean to keep the gifts, you should let the invitees know. That way they can decide whether to not bring a gift, donate, or just bring something generic. I think it is easier with older people - most people I know have what they need or want, so flowers or a bottle of wine is a great gift. I also do a lot of gift cards, since it is so hard to buy for some people.

That is a good point.

I do however like "no gift parties". I have several friends who are on extremely tight budgets and I don't want them to stay home. DD gets so overwhelmed by "a lot" of gifts that she cries and doesn't want them. -For the winter holiday, she received 7 gifts. She came out, saw them, burst into tears. It took at least a day for her to open them.

The other thing is that DD shares a birthday with her close friend who is 4 (she just turned 2). We had a co-party for them and since he is 2 years older, he has more friends. The last thing I wanted was for him to get more presents then DD and for her to feel bad.

I don't want that many toys. I think it limits creativity for her to have prescripted toys to play with.

There are 16 kids in DD's class which means that there is at least 1 party a month but I remember one month when there was 3. At $20 a toy, plus wrapping paper, plus card, it gets to be expensive. For some people that is just too much money to be shelling out for parties. -I know I already said the money thing but I think it should be revisited.

And most importantly, I think that I would like for DD to learn that parties are about friends and family, not about loot. The friend I mentioned above that had a co-party with her went around telling people to get out so he could open his presents. His mom had told him that he had to wait to open them until people left so he went around waving saying, "time to go, see you later".


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

One time, when I was about 10, my aunt gave me a board game I already had. I didn't say so, but acted very thankful and grateful for the gift. Someone must have mentioned it to her, because later she took it back and said she would get me something else and give it to someone else who didn't have it.

As I mentioned before, my biggest concern when opening gifts is to make the giver feel good. To me, the gift giving part of holidays is about the giver being acknowledged for their thought/effort/expense.

For my family, I usually give homemade gifts. My in-laws are much more materialistic/consumeristic (could it be New Immigrant Syndrome or something?) So, I spend money getting them things that are considered luxuries and usually more decorative than practical. I've gotten them fancy cloth napkins, crystal goblets, a wine opener that does all the work for you, etc. For my family, I tend to make food items, like cookies or dried fruit or jarred things.


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## EXOLAX (May 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *secondseconds* 
Why not allow gifts, and then have your child choose some of them to give away to a shelter?

We've done this, and our little truth teller will announce upon opening presents that she is going to give it to our local children's hospital or sell it to make money to give to a charity. I can tell you from experience that this response does not go over well. We could teach our daughter to always smile, nod, express gratitude and make no other comment about her intentions in order to not hurt anyones feelings ("But mom, that would be lying") or we can simply say no presents please, let her have her birthday party the way she wants it and then plan a seperate fundraising gathering of her choosing. We choose the later for simplicities sake.

We've also tried "in leau of gifts please make a donation to ...". That didn't work either, people seemed to feel obligated to make a donation and bring a gift and it was more uncomfortable then any other option we tried. I believe the parents felt it was our doing and not our child's wishes. That is why this year we did an obvious "No Presents Please" party (and 0 presents were brought but around 20 kids came) and DD is hosting/planning etc. a fundraising egg hunt for next month.

We've had some present disasters in our short time with our daughter:

When she was 2 someone gave her pullups for her birthday and she promptly announced upon opening them "Diapers! I haven't worn diapers in weeks! I pee in the toilet, these must be for the baby." and she handed them right over to the nearest baby in the room.

At 3 someone gave her a set of plastic meat products "I don't eat meat, is there satan in here!" She meant Seitan....

At 4 DH's aunt gave her a barbie doll for the holidays and she flipped out screaming in excitement. The aunt gave all the other girls in the family the same age the same present and our DD's reaction was so over the top the aunt didn't stop talking about it, comparing it to the non-reaction of the other girls there. Aunt was thrilled to be the best gift giver there but then lost all momentum when she discovered from my mil that DD's reaction was based on the fact that mommy and daddy had never brought barbies into the home.

We like to teach graciousness in our children, but with a child who is stuck on truth telling and who sees rules in black and white; "if there is an exception, there is no rule" it can add a new dimension. Add on the school age years where families don't really know each other or their values or even the children's interests sometimes gift giving can turn into obligation. I actually see it is as refreshing when she gets a no-gift invitation to a party of a child she knows through school but whom I do not know (or their parents).

Gift giving and receiving can be so much enjoyable when you know the family and their children, sometimes that isn't always the case and in times when it isn't no gifts can be even more appropriate.


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## monkaha (Jan 22, 2004)

We were invited to the party where the invitation stated that "the birthday child is surrounded by generous people. We ask that you donate a gift to _____ instead of to her. Thank you." Well, sort of like that. It was very eloquent, very graceful, and didn't seem at all rude.


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## Phoenix_Rising (Jun 27, 2005)

we definately requested no gifts. . .for those who insisted we said books were always welcome and said we were planning on getting an ergo and $5 to go toward it would be more than generous.


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## vermonttaylors (May 17, 2005)

I have to say that I am amazed at how adament so many MDC mamas are that it is their right to bring a gift.







: We have gone to many "no gift" parties (one last week) and to some "regular" parties and no one seems to mind either way. In fact, the np gift party was more fun because the kids were REALLY involved in this elaborate game of chase, featuring the birthday boy as the monster, and they didn't want to stop. They barely managed to stop for cake.

Most of my friends don't have the same shopping "guidelines" that our family has set up and which are HUGELY important to us. (locally made, not made in sweatshops, not made in countries with bad human rights records etc.). I am trying to pass down to my kids how powerful money really is and that your purchases DIRECTLY affect people's lives in other parts of the world. BUT I don't want to have to lecture my friends about it because that feels rude, so it is easier to ask for "no gifts" and enjoy their company and stay within the consumer values that we hold really dear.









I don't think a celebration needs to involve gifts. You can have a GREAT party without presents. But that's just me. I plan on doing "no gifts" as long as I can.

However, I LOVE the idea of a flower or a plant!! My kids birthdays are in the winter, but if you have a summer child and a little room, you could have all the kids bring a plant and they could plant their own flower maze or garden.







:


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

In our circle of friends, no gift parties are pretty much the norm. Don't know if this has been mentioned, as I haven't had a chance to read through the entire thread, but a lot of the parties we attend, and some we've hosted, have featured a book exchange instead of a gift. Each guest brings a new or used book and takes home a different one. At dd's last party, we had an art supply exchange. Everyone bought an inexpensive art supply, and exchanged with someone else. The parents and kids really loved this idea.


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## Manena (Feb 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rosie29* 
We are planning a smallish birthday party for DS when he turns 3. It will be at a park, and we are inviting some family members and maybe 3-4 of his friends and their parents (who are friends of ours as well). We are pretty excited as this is his first real b-day party. His b-day falls near Mother's Day and for his 1st and 2nd b-days we just brought a cake to my grandma's house, where we were celebrating Mother's Day. That was fun too, but this is the first time we get to plan things the way we'd like them and have some friends come as well. Anyhow, we really truly don't want gifts. I know that my family will bring gifts but we can just put them in the car and open them at a later time. But as for our friends, we really just want their company and to have a fun day with food and playing at the park. I'd like to ask for no gifts on the invite, but does that just set things up to be akward? As in, some people will feel like they can't come empty-handed so they'll bring a gift, and that will make those who actually do follow the request, feel weird? Anyone have any BTDT experience with this?

If you don't want gifts, then don't call the event a Birthday Party. Call it a family-together, picnic at the park, but don't say it's a birthday party. You can bring out a birthday cake for dessert and say it just so happens to be your child's birthday.

It's very awkward to invite someone to a birthday party and tell them not to bring gifts. People WANT to bring gifts to kids that are celebrating birthdays.

Let your children have the fun of opening gifts and accepting gifts. It teaches them about thankfulness and how to graciously accept gifts.


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## Trini-soca (Apr 21, 2007)

i tried the no gift thing at my dd's 3rd b day and it did not work. i tried it because at her 2nd b day there were issuses with other kids wanting the presents and her not wanting to share.
so at her 4th bday i said no gifts but then i said if you MUST bring a present make it a book or some kind of crafty thing, like paints or something....and it worked. she only had 3 kids there which was fine with me, but she got books, paint to go with the easel i bought her and one friend gave her money and brought a piggy bank. all in all it was a nice party and me giing suggestions on what to bring helped because it took away the akwardness of me thinking that my dd wouln't play with a particular toy, or me not wanting her to have a particular gift, of those presents without gift reciepts so you can't take it back and get something your kid would enjoy. i j ust say if you have to bring something, bring something my kid will love and kep always, easiest thing is a book for my dd, she will read and read and read, and always remeber where she got it


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## Trini-soca (Apr 21, 2007)

uhhh..."New Immigrant Syndrome"? I find that highly offensive, as I am an immigrant. wht exactly do you mean by that?


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## cupofjojo (Mar 29, 2007)

We've done the "No presents please, your presence is present enought." half did and half did not bring presents.

I knew 2 friends who asked what DS would like my response was "Bringing something is not necessary but if you really want to bring something then books or trains for his train set would be great." This way they knew I was fine with no gifts but still gave them preferred options.

I will say having a party at another location lends itself to not having to open presents at the party. We had DS's party at a local farm so we did not have to open them at the event. One older gal, about 7, wanted DS to open his present so when kids were off doing things like the petting zoo etc. we were able to have DS honor her request. She was the only one who wanted it, and all the other kids were having a ball doing farm things.


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

This thread is quite fitting as we just had DD's 3rd birthday party a week ago, and it was a "no gift party." I am completely with Yooper on this one.

We keep my DD's party to close family relatives--our parents, siblings, and grandparents--but this is still around 15 people, representing 9 households. At Christmas, she receives family presents from almost 20 households. Take that times two gifts per household, a _conservative_ estimate in our families, and you're at *60* presents per year! Add in the presents some family members give her for Easter and Halloween, and we're up to *75* presents per year. Imagine if I had more than one child! And this is just family, not even friends! After last Christmas, we literally could not walk through my DD's playroom--the room of a two year old, for Pete's sake. I don't get why people think they have the "right" to clutter up our home like that.

I am very much bothered by the idea that if one doesn't want "stuff," than one shouldn't bother celebrating an occasion. The day my daughter came into our family, the day my brother graduated college, the day my grandparents had been married 60 years--these are all days worth coming together as a family and celebrating. Since when is spending time together, talking, playing games, eating, singing, etc. not considered good enough unless there are piles of presents? This is exactly the kind of overconsumption and materialism I am trying to check my family out of. If someone wants to celebrate these occasions in their own lives with presents, that is, of course, their right, but if they want to celebrate without presents, that should be their right as well. Why can't we let them celebrate the way _they_ want, without imposing our morals on the way we think they should have _their_ celebration?


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Trini-soca* 
uhhh..."New Immigrant Syndrome"? I find that highly offensive, as I am an immigrant. wht exactly do you mean by that?

It isn't my terminology. It is a general idea that I have heard in the media that suggests that there is a common occurrence when people immigrate to the US and are so overwhelmed by the extreme consumerism in society, and can initially buy into the consumeristic craze for a while, until they get used to the environment and become a bit more immune to it.

I personally haven't decided how I feel about the possible validity of this theory. I have known a lot of immigrants -- probably more immigrants in my life than non-immigrants -- but I never thought I might be seeing an example of this until I saw the way my in-laws act. They came when my husband was almost an adult, so he remembers their life before. His mother tells him she goes on 3 vacations per year because she suffered for so many years before she came here. My husband said that their life there wasn't as bad as she claims it was.

I haven't seen enough of native-born Americans to know if they also have the same rate of occurrence of the attitude "I am entitled to max out my credit on luxuries because I had to budget before." I know there are a lot of people who buy-now-pay-later, and get into a mess with their credit, but I don't know if they feel like they have earned it by having lived with less luxury earlier in life.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

Jennisee, you sound a little bitter about gifts. As a gift giver myself, I don't give them "to clutter up someone's home". I give a gift out of love and respect for that person and hope they like the gift and use it. If you feel that strongly and are that negative about gifts, I think you should be honest with your family and just tell them you absolutely want no gifts. Do your child(ren) feel the same way as you, or do they like getting gifts?


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennisee* 

I am very much bothered by the idea that if one doesn't want "stuff," than one shouldn't bother celebrating an occasion. The day my daughter came into our family, the day my brother graduated college, the day my grandparents had been married 60 years--these are all days worth coming together as a family and celebrating. Since when is spending time together, talking, playing games, eating, singing, etc. not considered good enough unless there are piles of presents? This is exactly the kind of overconsumption and materialism I am trying to check my family out of. If someone wants to celebrate these occasions in their own lives with presents, that is, of course, their right, but if they want to celebrate without presents, that should be their right as well. Why can't we let them celebrate the way _they_ want, without imposing our morals on the way we think they should have _their_ celebration?

Yes yes yes!!!!!


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primjillie* 
Jennisee, you sound a little bitter about gifts. As a gift giver myself, I don't give them "to clutter up someone's home". I give a gift out of love and respect for that person and hope they like the gift and use it. If you feel that strongly and are that negative about gifts, I think you should be honest with your family and just tell them you absolutely want no gifts. Do your child(ren) feel the same way as you, or do they like getting gifts?

My comment about the right to clutter someone's home was in response to people who feel it is their right to give presents _even after it has been explained that presents are unwanted_. This idea has been expressed both by people in this thread and by some of my family members. I completely understand the idea of giving out of love. I give gifts out of love. But once a person has explained that they do not want gifts at a specific celebration, such as a "no-gift party," I do have a big problem with people who feel they have a "right" to disregard that person's wishes.

To answer your question, my three year old likes presents, but she gets overwhelmed by more than a few. When she opens a present, she wants to play with it and doesn't understand why it has to be taken away so that she can open another one. She also gets overwhelmed when she has too many toys to play with, so I have to limit the toys that are out.


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

and I am registered at Macy's.

For the kids' parties, I like the social exercise of them learning to graciously receive gifts and acknowledge the giver... it's always been conducted in a civilized way at parties we've been to. Not controlled or sedate, but civilized. Sometimes, I've taken dd to a party where we did not bring a gift without the host requesting that we don't







, because we had no money. That's okay. It didn't bother me, or dd. All hosts truly want the people. Once, dd wanted to bring SOMETHING, but there was, again, no money but the piggy bank, so we put the $2.56 in change in with the birthday card, and of the numerous large, expensive gifts that boy got, his very FAVORITE was the $2.56 in change! First graders then. Who'd have thought? DD did. She's the one who's idea it was, and she insisted we do it.

But the no-gift parties as described here make a lot of sense, and sound like they could be wonderful social movements, too. I think it's great to seed this consciousness about consumerism and cluttering, etc., in children... but it is going to fly in the face of so many for whom the traditional birthday party elements bring great joy. So, how to blend the two... or at least make the transition; to introduce your very considered opinions as to why the no-gift rule is IMPORTANT to your family? Perhaps a new invitation style itself is called for, eh?

How about sending out B-EARTHDAY PARTY invitations?

Make it clear WHY no gifts, and what specifically would be unwelcome. "With respect for the environment, wasteful consumerism, and overcluttering of our home, we ask that you release your generous inclinations to give X a birthday gift... and be generous with your company only. We have so much already; more is actually burdensome for us. I hope you understand. Grandma and Grandpa







, this means you, too!"









I think it's a trend that's going to grow and become a really meaningful way to celebrate birthdays. I like the ideas: the kitty and dog food, the flowers, the books.

Me, I'm going to stay registered at Macy's, and cross my fingers, really, really hard.









VF


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

I can't imagine living in a culture where unsolicited gift-giving on non-holidays is something bad or frowned upon. I give things to my friends "just because" with some frequency. We have lots of "I saw this and thought of you" moments around here. So I totally understand the pp in wanting to give things (and finding it socially inappropriate to give them outside of holidays).

For us we've never been invited to a "no gifts" party and truely if we were I'd probably still bring something and give it to the parents when we were leaving. We tend to bring consumables (memberships, magazine subscriptions, passes, tickets, etc) as gifts anyway because most people do already have enough "stuff". And it's pretty common here for people to ask what your child likes or needs prior to a birthday party. At ds's last party 10 out of the 12 people invited called us and asked what he'd like. We do this in return, most people say "whatever", but I figure it's good to keep this tradition of asking alive in hopes that people will still call and ask us.

Around here we have both parties where the children open presents and where the children don't open presents. We don't open presents at our parties, nor do we display them in anyway. We stick gifts on the bed in the guest room. Occasionally someone has mentioned that their child is really excited about the present that they've brought for ds and so at some point the party I try to get ds and that child away from the party to open the present. Otherwise we open presents later, we take pictures of ds opening each present, and we include the picture in the thank you card. This way he can take his time opening things and doesn't get overwhelmed.


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

I mentioned to my soon-to-be-7yo-son about the idea of asking people to bring food for the local animal shelter. We have a pound puppy ourselves, and he was so touched by all the doggies that he wanted to bring them all home. I just told him that I had heard about a little girl who did that on her birthday, and what did he think. He said that's really nice to take care of the animals like that....then several days later he approached me (out of teh blue) and said "mom, for my birthday, I want to ask people to bring food for the doggies at the shelter..."
Kids have big hearts, and most are just as happy to give to little homeless puppies as the are to give to their friends...they just love giving. I like to encourage the giving...but of course I wouldnt' force ds to have a no-gift party...but I'm thrilled that he seems to be choosing that for himself.


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

I always say "no gifts" -- I don't think its awkward at all.


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## simplehome (Jul 13, 2004)

I think it's more appropriate to say "no gifts" at an adult birthday party---I threw a surprise 30th for my husband last year, and to make it a great surprise I invited anyone and everyone I could think of. But I didn't want people to decline because they didn't know him well and didn't want to get a gift. It worked out fine.

But at my son's recent 2nd birthday party, I decided to go ahead and not say anything about a gift. Most people asked me what would be useful for us, and gave them a few ideas for small, tasteful gifts. It was great! The only thing he got that I wish hadn't arrived was a 25-car set of matchbox cars. What toddler needs that many cars? Oh well..

ANYWAY---my main reason for writing was that one thing we did that worked out GREAT was to just take a gift, find the person who brought it, and open it with them. We did this throughout the party, so that my son had time to play with each thing, there wasn't any comparing going on (most other people didn't even notice what was going on) and the other kids didn't have to sit through someone else opening a bunch of gifts. It worked very well for us, and I would do it again the same way.


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## claras_mom (Apr 25, 2006)

While I'll respect anyone who asks for no gifts on an invitation, I'll probably never do it myself, for dd (unless she asks). The main reason is that her birthday is close enough to Christmas that I want it to feel like an "occasion" to her. But on the other hand, _because_ her birthday is close to Christmas, we'll probably always make it more about a special outing than about a stay at home party with presents, if that makes sense...

And I have to say, in my so far limited experience, I'm pretty blown away by how much of a production even tiny kids' parties have become. Yikes.


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## woobysma (Apr 20, 2004)

I'm kind of two-minded about the gift thing. On one hand, I totally understand where you're coming from. Our boys hardly ever NEED anything, so it's kind of frustrating when birthdays roll around and we're over-loaded with more stuff. BUT... our families love getting things for the boys, so I think it would cause some hurt feelings or make them feel like they're missing out by being asked not to bring gifts.

One thing we've done in my family among the adults is move toward "experience" gifts or charity donations. For example, last Christmas I donated $ to the Smile Train, instead of buying my mom a gift. Stuff like family passes to the zoo or children's theater tickets or a gift card for a family dinner out at a kid friendly place might be nice alternatives to dolls and toy cars.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rosie29* 
We are planning a smallish birthday party for DS when he turns 3. It will be at a park, and we are inviting some family members and maybe 3-4 of his friends and their parents (who are friends of ours as well). We are pretty excited as this is his first real b-day party. His b-day falls near Mother's Day and for his 1st and 2nd b-days we just brought a cake to my grandma's house, where we were celebrating Mother's Day. That was fun too, but this is the first time we get to plan things the way we'd like them and have some friends come as well. Anyhow, we really truly don't want gifts. I know that my family will bring gifts but we can just put them in the car and open them at a later time. But as for our friends, we really just want their company and to have a fun day with food and playing at the park. I'd like to ask for no gifts on the invite, but does that just set things up to be akward? As in, some people will feel like they can't come empty-handed so they'll bring a gift, and that will make those who actually do follow the request, feel weird? Anyone have any BTDT experience with this?

I prefer to leave it up to the guests and not mention it at all. Receiving gifts allows a child to practice being gracious and thankful, and that some people express love partly by giving gifts. Barring any crazy compulsive buyers in the family, I would just not mention it either way and not worry about how guests feel re: gifts from other guests. I don't think you have to take care of them to that extent!









If your child starts to get overwhelmed by the gifts, you can always stop the unwrapping at least for a while, to focus on another activity.


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