# How's this for a choice?



## Silliest (Apr 4, 2004)

You can keep whining and go hungry, or you can ask nicely and I'll get you some food.

Votes?

FTR, she stopped whining and asked nicely


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## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

A little strong for me. I would have said "I hear a noise but it is so whiny I can't understand it. Can you understand anything? (to the dog) Boy, if only the sound was in a nicer, more polite manner I would be able to understand what it is." She knows this is my trick and responds to it well. She will rephrase politely and I will thank her for asking in a polite, nice way.


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## Silliest (Apr 4, 2004)

<LOL!> I do see your point, but I've had poor results with that softly-softly approach with my kids.

With the 4 year old, that'll get me a sharp look and "Don't patronize me, mom!"
It's just too many words for the two year old.


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## danaalex (Mar 19, 2003)

my almost 4yo knows that i DO NOT respond to whining and fake crying. she gets no results what so ever. so if there is something she wants and she starts whining about it, she will quickly change her tune when she realizes what she is doing.

we talk about how she will get things she wants when she uses her big girl voice.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I usually (when I'm having a patient, good mommy day) just say that I can't understand her when she uses that voice, so she'll have to use her regular voice if she wants something.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2*
I usually (when I'm having a patient, good mommy day) just say that I can't understand her when she uses that voice, so she'll have to use her regular voice if she wants something.

That's what I say.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

My dd tends to whine a lot more when she is hungry. I do, too







:


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## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Silliest*
With the 4 year old, that'll get me a sharp look and "Don't patronize me, mom!"
It's just too many words for the two year old.

Oh that is hilarious! Mine is only two but already very wordy. When I was in grade school I used to yell at my mom, when I was in trouble, that I was a product of my upbringing so it was all her fault!

I guess I may have to modify my style as dd ages. She seems just as verbal and precocious as I.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

I also get the "yeah, right" from Goo.
I have to make the choices harsher when the softer ones don't work


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

I tend to take the silly approach too, if I know we're both in the right frame of mind.

(Whining) Stawberries in my bowl... NOW!
What? You want a hippopotamus in your bowl?

(Less whining) No STRAWBERRIES!
Oh, you want money toes! Ok, I can get you monkey toes if you can ask me nicely.

(Laughing) No, Strawberries in my bowl please mommy!

I don't do it this way all the time. If she's tired, or if I'm not at my best it doesn't go this smoothly.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Silliest*
You can keep whining and go hungry, or you can ask nicely and I'll get you some food.

Brilliant!!

My daughter would find this humorous, say "Stop teasing me, Momma!", giggle, and ask nicely.

It's all in how and to whom you say it.

Namaste!


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## Silliest (Apr 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
Brilliant!!

My daughter would find this humorous, say "Stop teasing me, Momma!", giggle, and ask nicely.

It's all in how and to whom you say it.

Namaste!


Definitely.

I didn't even think of it as harsh until I read it back, because it's not harsh in the tone I use (well, okay, *usually* use







I do have my moments)


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

We use a real direct approach for important things like whining. i would never joke around or be silly over that. i use the same approach as the OP. just point blank

"I do not respond to whining and you are whining. when you can ask nicely . . . ."


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## Laurel (Jan 30, 2002)

I just say, "If you want mommy to get you some food, you need to use kind words (or a peaceful voice) to ask me." We've been talking about the concept of "kind words" for months, so he knows exactly what I mean. I try not to focus on the negativity of the whining behavior, but just simply state what needs to happen in order for me to comply with his request.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I remember the first time I realized that she didn't actually know what I was talking about when I would ask her not to whine. I could almost see the lightbulb go off in her head.

Occasionally, I still have to remind DC exactly *what* whining is.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I would leave out the part about going hungry. You have a right to decide how you like to be spoken too, and you have a right not to respond when someone is rude and whiney. But I think a child also has the right to eat when hungry, and it's completely unnecessary to say otherwise to make your point.

So, with the 4 year old, I would say something like what you said, leaving out the part about going hungry... "I'll be happy to help you make a snack when you can ask me in a nicer tone of voice". Then I would turn my attention to something else. If they wanted to go find their own cracker and cheese they could; but most children strongly prefer to have it done for them, and don't want to prepare all their own meals and snacks. Before long s/he will likely volunteer a nicer tone.

Comprehension is different for 2 year olds, and adding in hunger, and the reality that a 2 year old really can't get their own snack, I would model the right tone as I made the snack. Even if they refused to cooperate, I'd talk them through it, modeling the right tone and words I wanted them to use. I wouldn't sweat it if they got the snack without always asking nicely. They are still very helpless at that age.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I just want to add that I strongly agree with modelling the right words and tone for older kids too. My son is 9 and I still sometimes do that. If he forgets to thank me or says something rudely, I'd repeat it saying "I'd like it if you said that in a nicer tone, like this...." and then model the tone. He still needs that sometimes.


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## OneCatholicMommy (Jan 21, 2002)

Works for us!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I would get the food, and then maybe as I'm handing it off say, "You know, I would really have preferred to have been asked without the whining." Maybe.

I hate the "I can't understand you when you whine" because it's generally untrue. Most parents I know can understand just fine, they just don't like the whine.

I would get goofy sometimes, if she seemed in the mood (she's always been a big SNL fan so I'd usually lapse into a Wendy Whiner impression) but generally when she was whiny, she was already on the verge of grumpy, so humor tended to backfire.

Dra


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

I don't tell dd that I "can't hear her when she talks like that". I tell her that it is "Hard for me to understand you when you talk like that. Can you try again to help me hear you?" and she gets it! She's a very verbal 2.75 year old.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I try and keep it really simple.... I usually just say "Try again."

When the kids say "I'm hungry" (rather than asking) I always respond "I'm cute." They really hate that. I like to be just as irritating as the kids care. :LOL


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

i'm with dar...it isn't true that i can't understand her. instead i say it hurts my head. i say "what would be a soft way to ask?" and that always works. and then we practice whining vs soft voice...which makes her giggle to hear my whine impression...b/c ITA with ICM that most kids don't realize they are whining and younger ones don't know what it means...


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

I would leave out the part about going hungry. You have a right to decide how you like to be spoken too, and you have a right not to respond when someone is rude and whiney. But I think a child also has the right to eat when hungry, and it's completely unnecessary to say otherwise to make your point.
I completely agree. I mean, seriously, what if your child was whiney for like, 3 days straight? Are you going to deny them food? Of course not!! What I mean is, I would take that statement off the table all together (the "or go hungry" statement) because obviously it is not something you can or would follow through with...

I know you were being *silly* or whatever, but I don't care for the connotation I felt when I read it. It was almost to me like "you have a choice, walk with mommy or I am leaving you here" (as you pretend to walk away)...It plays on your child's fears...
Okay, now maybe certain children would not be phased at all and think it was silly and laugh and whatever, but I can see a sensitive child being really upset by things like that...

Just my humble opinion!


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Okay, reading and learning and trying.
Thanks,
Mom of a sometimes whiny 4 y/o who runs dry on ideas.


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2*
I usually (when I'm having a patient, good mommy day) just say that I can't understand her when she uses that voice, so she'll have to use her regular voice if she wants something.

me, too


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## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Hi Selena








I would have said something like "I will help you get food when you're finished whining or we can get some right now if you stop. Can you try your sweet voice instead?" That's because I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my child she would have to go hungry. I figure if she were hungry enough she would try to eat so making her go hungry would be MY choice and that sounds mean to me.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I say something like, _"Hmmm. What do you think is the best way to go about getting what you want? (or need?)"_ Half the time they get it for themselves. The other half of the time, they remember to ask me nicely. I've also used the "try again" phrase.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I don't like the "I can't understand you when you whine" approach either. My ds would just insist "yes, you can" anyway. He only whines when hungry or tired which are not states he has full control over, at the age 3 3/4. I assume if he is whining, he needs more positive attention, not to have me nit-picking over manners. I just rephrase his request the way I would like to hear it as I get him his snack.

I do like MsMoMpls' response of "I'm cute." I might save that til he is older :LOL .


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

Bwahaha! DH has been known to say (goofy voice and all) "... and I'm Bullwinkle."


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Sometimes I just play dumb and silly.
Sam: I'm hungry.
Me: ME TOO! Wow, what a coincidence. Wouldnt it be great if someone would bring us some food? Then we could eat, and be happy...









Most of the time I repeat the request in the manner I'd like to hear it.
Sam: I'm hunnnnngry."
Me: "Mommy can I PLEASE have something to eat?"
Sam: "Mommy can I PLEASE have something to eat?"

Sam typically reapeats it back to me just as I've said it.

Sometimes I like him to say it this way:

"OH BEST, BEST MAMA, can I PALEEEZE have something to eat."








Yep. That's how I like to be addressed in MY family.


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## OneCatholicMommy (Jan 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck*
I say something like, _"Hmmm. What do you think is the best way to go about getting what you want? (or need?)"_ Half the time they get it for themselves. The other half of the time, they remember to ask me nicely. I've also used the "try again" phrase.

Yeah, sometimes I say "What do you think you should do about that!?"


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## TortelliniMama (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pamelamama*
Sometimes I like him to say it this way:

"OH BEST, BEST MAMA, can I PALEEEZE have something to eat."








Yep. That's how I like to be addressed in MY family.









This is rather OT, but it reminds me of a game of Taboo we played with my fil, step-mil, step-bil and step-sil. It was my step-sil's turn to give clues. She was, oh, 7 or 8, I guess. Her clue to us was, "Mama makes us say this when we want something." We all start guessing "please," "may," and any other polite request words we can think of. She just keeps shaking her head and repeating variations on that clue. My step-mil goes over to check the card and make sure step-sil isn't just confused by the word. When step-mil reads the word, she starts laughing. It was "intelligent." When she (step-mil) was in a silly mood and the kids asked her for something, she had a list of compliments that she suggested they tag on to the request. "Can I have a snack, oh beautiful, intelligent, wonderful Mama?" Made everyday life more playful, but didn't really help step-sil's Taboo playing! :LOL


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I thought of posting on a similar scenario today. I went to an Ontario Early Years Centre today (government sponsored place for children and their parents or caregiver to go and play). The workers there are all trained in early childhood development. One of them was chatting with me. It was time to tidy up and of course Simon -- who is 13 months old -- continued to pull toys off the shelf. She told me an anecdote about when her son was 18 months old. She "knew" he was able to clean up his toys, but he refused to. So one day she told him that he couldn't eat until he tidied up his toys. She reported that he cleaned them up right away. I smiled and let out a few fake giggles while hearing this, but in truth I was put off by it and don't find it at all appropriate. I assumed most people here at MDC would agree, but this thread sounds similar. Maybe because the behaviour in question is associated with food that it seems different in this context? I would never threaten to Simon that if he doesn't act as I want him to act, he will starve. Being that he is less than 3 feet tall, hardly knows how to speak, and weighs about 25 pounds, I'm sure he feels powerless enough already.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
I would never threaten to Simon that if he doesn't act as I want him to act, he will starve.

I do this with my daughter, who is extremely resistant to cleaning up her toys yet perfectly capable of doing so. The rule is that we don't move on to a new activity until the present one has been cleaned up. This includes meals. I do not threaten to "starve" her, I merely tell her that we will be eating lunch (dinner, whatever) after we have cleaned up what we have been playing with. We also don't go outside until we have cleaned up our toys, we don't read books until we have cleaned up her toys, we don't get out Chutes and Ladders until we put away her toys, etc. We don't move on to a new activity until the current one has been cleaned up. That's the rule. Whether or not you agree with this strategy of teaching children to pick up after themselves, I think that implying that people are telling their children to behave or starve is inflammatory language and not reflective of what is really happening.

Namaste!


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Well, all I know is I feel really whiny if I'm that hungry.

I don't take it personally if my kids whine (which they usually only do if they are....hungry!) If one of them comes up to me and whine's "I'm hunnnggrryyy" I just think (or say) "you must be" and help them find something to eat.

Sometimes I wish I had someone who would let me whine if I feel like it


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
The rule is that we don't move on to a new activity until the present one has been cleaned up. This includes meals.

I avoid this just because it could develop into a power struggle you don't want to be in. What if she just flat-out refused to clean up her toys? For days? You wouldn't eat or sleep? (If your daughter isn't 4 yet, you might not know just how far they can go!) I did (do) always make my son pick up after himself, but if he didn't do it there would be another consequence (I'd pick up and keep the toys for a period), not withholding food. It sounds like so far you haven't had any trouble with compliance using this method, so it's working for you, but if she decides to rebel on you one day it could backfire big time.


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## PrincessMommie (Apr 16, 2005)

:


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *srain*
It sounds like so far you haven't had any trouble with compliance using this method, so it's working for you, but if she decides to rebel on you one day it could backfire big time.

Oh, no, she has rebelled on several occasions, and I have done just what you suggested: pick up the toys and keep them for myself. Then we eat. But just because she sometimes doesn't follow the house rules doesn't mean I abandon them. The rule is, we don't move on to a new activity until we have cleaned up the current one. The consequence of not following that rule is not starving, because it's not a contest of seeing who has the stronger will. The consequence is losing access to the toy or activity in question, but the rule is still the rule and she is expected to follow it. Usually, she does, and that's the best I can hope for.









Namaste!


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I think that will work until it doesn't. If she knows you will clean it up and keep it, she may think that is fine and let you, particularly with messy projects or toys she doesn't care that much about.

Will she be expected to clear her plate/snack? What if she doesn't? I'm just curious how you would handle the food issue.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Yes, she is expected to clear her plate. She doesn't move on to the next activity until she has cleaned up from her meal/snack. Does she always do it? No. What do I do when she doesn't? Sometimes I clean it up myself and let her know that I am not happy to have to clean up things that are her responsibility to clean up. Sometimes I leave it sit where it is and, the next time she asks for something to eat, tell her that I will be happy to get her something to eat when she brings me her dishes from her last meal/snack. Sometimes I clean it up for her and say nothing because sometimes I don't mind doing a favor for her, even if she hasn't specifically asked for the favor.

My point with all of this is, the rules of the house are here to make life work more smoothly for all of us and to help my children get into the habit of doing the things that make life easier for all of us. They are not here so that I can lord over my child and punish her for each infraction. Yes, I expect my children to abide by the rules, but they are not robots, so I know that sometimes they won't. We sort through those instances in the way that will work best at that time. They know what the expectations are, and usually they do what they can to meet them. Usually is good enough for me on relatively minor things like cleaning up toys and dishes.

Namaste!


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I handle this situation differently, depending on our mood and the situation. Sometimes I tell my girls I can't understand what they are saying (if the whining is extreme) Other times, I'll reply, "You're hungry, oh hi hungry, I'm mommy!" if I'm in a silly mood.

One thing I have found that helped a lot is anticipating their hunger. For example, I know they are hungry just after nap and more prone to whining upon waking from nap, so I'll offer a snack before they start. Also, I know about when they get hungry (if it's been a couple hours since the last meal) and I'll offer snacks. This has helped lessen the whining in my house.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
The consequence of not following that rule is not starving, because it's not a contest of seeing who has the stronger will. The consequence is losing access to the toy or activity in question, but the rule is still the rule and she is expected to follow it.

I see; I interpreted the wording of your previous post differently.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

I say, "Kiri, I need you to use a lower tone of voice." I've modelled and we've practiced lower tone vs. whining. I'll also say, "Try again using polite words" (if I need a please). I personally (b/c my mom did it with me and I felt invalidated...) detest the playful way of approaching things, but mom uses it with my dd and dd giggles and loves it. Go figure! :LOL


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

dharmamama~I think if you aren't militant about it, they will likely be supportive of the rules~


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## mpeel (Nov 20, 2001)

My two have been getting their own snacks, juice, supper, you name it since 2. They are cooking by 4 (supervised minimally). So the "go hungry" bit doesn't get far. But, they do know if they want me to participate, they have to use a normal voice, no whining, screaming, yelling, mumbling, etc.


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