# Single Mom, Night Weaning & Nursing Down



## ldlambert (Mar 19, 2002)

Hi -

My DS is 26mo. We co-sleep, and I can't imagine doing anything else (he naps in his own bed in his own room, but I can't imagine having him in another room when it's just the two of us in the house!) I nurse him down for nap and bedtime, and he night nurses (usually 2-4x's).

I'm actually pretty happy with our situation.

My issues are a) I'm starting to feel a need to go out at night and want someone else to put him to bed and not have him wake up really sad that I'm not there, and b) I'm really tired.

He and his father are very close, but Daddy doesn't like any crying. He's just not willing to participate in the night-time rituals if they are challenging. Once DS is going to sleep without nursing and has his routine worked out, Daddy will happily have DS sleep over at his house. (Daddy basically thinks that if I weaned DS everything would be fine. DS would go to sleep for nap and nighttime easily, etc, etc.) BUT, I don't want to wean. I work a lot and BFing is such a great way for us to bond.

But, like I said, I'm single. And, I want/need to get out and meet people and do things. I even dream about going away to visit my girlfriends overnight! (say it isn't so!!)

I'm sick of everyone in my family thinking that if Henry didn't breastfeed anymore, everything would be fine!

Basically, I need to find a way to have a babysitter (probably Gramma) put him down at night and have him stay asleep. If I deny Henry "boo time", he gets pissed and screams.

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks! - Leslie


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I'm sure there are other mama's here who can give advice on gentle weaning techniques that might help you solve your dilemma.

But I just wanted to say that while I totally understand where you are coming from with wanting a "night out", I would gently suggest that you've made it this far....why not just wait until your son shows he is ready? You'll have plenty of time soon to do it without worrying about your son.

I gave up alot of extracurricular activities when I became a mother. I miss some of them alot, but they require a time commitment that I'm not willing to spend away from DD, and she needs me to be there for her. My friend gave me a night in a hotel for a birthday present so me and DH could have a romantic evening alone. As much as I would like that, my 7 mo DD is far far away from being able to go down for the night without me and my breasts. I have accepted this as part of the "package", and done so willingly I might add. I know that it will be a very short time indeed before my DD is "grown up"; they are babies for such a short time in our lives....My DD needs me right now and I'm willing to wait until she weans herself. Not saying you're a "bad mother" if you don't, but I think sometimes we all need to remind ourselves how quickly time flies when we have babies!!


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## ldlambert (Mar 19, 2002)

Hi, Thanks for your response.

Obviously, the pressures that single moms have are REALLY different from those with a DH or partner at home.

I appreciate your gentle admonishion to remember this time passes quickly, but you know what? I already know that. He's almost 2 1/2 and has been at my breast for almost every time he has gone off to slumber. I went out once until 11 and he was still up and very upset that I had been gone.

I was living with Henry's dad until last summer. Having him leave was devastating. It's taken me this long to get to a point that I think Henry and I are BOTH ready for him to do something different for bed time.

Please, I really don't need reminders that this time is special. It is, I know it. But, if I don't take care of myself (which means going out until 10pm one night talking to adults about something other than kids and work) I'm going to start resenting our time.

Leslie


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Oops, you know what? I didn't realize how old your son was. I went back and re-read your post. For some reason I had it in my head he was *6* months old, not 26!

Obviously, there's a difference, and I totally see where you are coming from. By now you can talk with him and explain things a bit better. I'm sure there are a few mamas here with toddlers who can give you some great advice on how to get him to go down and sleep without you there.

My apologies. I shouldn't be posting when I'm trying to watch DD at the same time!!


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## ldlambert (Mar 19, 2002)

Piglet - thanks so much for your second note! You may be able to tell I was feeling a bit resentful in my response to you.

My biggest problem is figuring out how to night-wean and put him down by himself without any help. I just get really darned tired!

~leslie


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## Novajet (Feb 26, 2003)

I have no experience with this since my daughter is only 10 months old, but one thing that came to mind is possibly talking with him, and letting him help you come up with a solution. It doesn't sound like you are ready to wean. You just need a night out. Ask him what he would like instead of nursing (a special treat) that Grandma can give him. He's old enough to understand that Grandma can't nurse him, so maybe if he was a part of the decision on what could replace it, he might be more willing to go along with it. I don't know...just trying to come up with alternatives. I haven't been in this situation yet, so I have no idea if this will actually work. Good luck- I hope you find a solution that works for both of you.


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## Megieblue (Jul 19, 2002)

I can't even imagine doing this mothering thing on my own. You must be a mighty strong lady!

I can totally relate to your need to get a night to yourself. Although DS#2 is only 8.5 months old, I nightnursed DS#1 until only one month before DS#2 was born (when DS#1 abruptly weaned himself telling me "nurse is for baby"). I've been night nursing for 2 3/4 years now too. I also would LOVE to get an evening to myself where I could hang with girlfriends and not worry about a very sad child at home. I tried once and rushed home to an hysterical DS. I swore at that moment I'd never break his heart like that again. BUT I do need some time. Right now I'm just trying to give DS#2 the nightnursing that DS#1 had. The guilt! If I could just wean him to wake up once or twice a night AFTER 1am then I could have a rocking blast in the evening without him even knowing. Luckily DS#1 now sleeps like a rock from 7-6.

All my babbling and what I really wanted to say is I totally feel your pain and can't even believe you're doing it on your own. WOWZER! And I think I'm tired!

Edited with a thought: Have you ever actually gone out? I'm wondering if you were to say to him that you'll be out when he wakes up and Gamma would be there how he'd feel if he did wake up? With older DS I always put him to bed before I go out (of course I take baby DS) and then tell him I'm going out and so-and-so will be there and if he needed me I'd rush home. The few times he has woken up, he's remembered that I said I'd be out and seemed ok with being offered to call (never actually has wanted to talk but I always ask babysitter to inform me immediately if he's awake so I can be prepared to rush home). I always encourage the babysitter to immediately offer cookies and a video... LOL! He never seemed phased and just remains awake until I get home. He's always seemed happy that he got to eat cookes and watch TV so late. It ain't perfect but it gets me out of the house!


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## gurumama (Oct 6, 2002)

One thought: what about a transitional object? The basic idea is to find an object (toy, stuffed animal, blankie) that is very special in a certain context, and gives him comfort.

For instance, find an item that he'd really, really enjoy, and make it only for "cuddle" time when there are no nursies. Try it over a week or two time period and see if he adjusts to it.

I might be off track here, but it was just a thought. Then the item can be used by whoever is watching him when you're out.

Best of luck to you. I have a DH and I've never been a single mom, thought I do have both kids for the occasional week while DH travels. Not a comparison, but man am I wiped at the end of that week--you are definitely a strong and loving mother to be nursing this long and raising him on your own.

Mel


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## ldlambert (Mar 19, 2002)

I've (obviously!) been thinking about this a lot, and I've decided the most important thing to me is that Henry be able to go to sleep at night without me. The ironic thing is that it's entirely possible that he can go to sleep with out nursing, but he won't do that with me!

So, we're going to set up a good night-time routine and try to figure out how to get him to sleep without boo.

Thanks for your support, everyone!

Leslie


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