# Who is that fat lady???



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I just looked in the mirror. A terrible thing to do right now because I am already so fragile inside at this moment in time.

Who is the fat lady that stares back at me with pale skin and dark circles under her eyes? I was in the BEST shape of my life last November. I looked GREAT and I felt GREAT. I was in CONTROL of my life!! I got pregnant and thought "well...that's fine...I can always get my body back later!"

But my twins are dead. and I haven't really tried to get ANYTHING back.

I walk my sweet rainbow puppy every day. Sometimes we walk for hours. It feels really good, and I couldn't live without doing that for myself....but...it doesn't matter in terms of how I look.

My stomach is just FAT and my ass is HUGE and my Thighs are flabby and my arms are gross.

My face even looks fat.

I barely eat anymore. I walk every day. Why can't that be enough??

I don't WANT to go to the gym. I don't WANT to see anyone I know at yoga class.

I hate this fat body. I hate this person that just sits around in between walking her dog. I hate wearing a size 18. I have no idea how much I weigh.

I don't even want to know.

I could have been a happy lady nursing twins. But instead I am fat and flabby. I could have had smiles instead of rage inside....but instead I cry at the drop of a feather.

My husband smiles about how "great" I am doing.....freelancing, walking, cooking, cleaning...even a few classes for the University (on line!!! because I am too chicken to go to the ACTUAL University any more.)

He says "You look super sexy"

I say I know what I look like in a photo...and its even worse in the mirror.

I'm not exaggerating. I have a realistic sense of how big my rear end is.

I just don't know how to fix it...because I am NOT motivated. I just want to sit in a corner and eat fudge. Caramel. Cheesy potatoes. Pizza.

I just want to eat. I'm hungry all the time. I resist eating. But I get fatter anyway. I do not understand how you can get fat just from cooking goodies for OTHER people that you don't eat. I DID eat a caramel apple...but that was the ONLY thing I ate yesterday.

Not healthy.

Embarrassed to be this way. I have better moments...more confident moments.

But really....I'm just so sad. its been 6 months....and I'm still so sad. so very very sad. and fat. and I feel ugly.

and hungry.

and sad.


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## Minarai (Jul 26, 2009)

If you think YOU'RE fat, hear this:
I wear a size 24/26, weigh approximately 315 pounds and am on the "uninsurable" list.
Plus I have asthma, Asperger's syndrome and chronic acne.
In short, you don't have it as bad as I do.







s


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

*hugs* I'm so sorry you feel yucky like that. You know, if you eat too little your metabolism shuts down that could be the problem, an abundance of healthy food should make you feel full when you've had enough and fix the dark circles and much of the issues. Give yourself time, though, it does take time. And you are your own worst critic, I'll bet your husband is being entirely honest saying you look hot to him. Look at yourself through his loving eyes.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I can sooo relate to everything you just said







I gained weight after losing my little one and despite a few moments of motivation over the past 2 years where I lost some, I still have quite a way to go.

My hubby compliments me all the time but I have a hard time believing him with the way I look right now.









Anyway, I'm ready to get my ass into gear, like, yesterday, because I need to get healthy and get my body together as it is rebelling big time lately. If you want, we can be each other's support system/accountability buddies/whatever you want to call it. I'm here (and on FB







) or email or whatever if you ever need someone to vent to, or anything!!


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm sorry. Every aspect of our lives is altered and motivation can be so hard to find.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

EB-you are not what you say you are!!! Repeat that after me. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. Take pride in the positive things you are doing right now-it's good.

I'm the opposite. I just don't want to eat. I'm not very motivated right now though, not at all. I just don't care. My boys are the only thing keeping me going. Without them I'd probably go on some manic binge and do who knows what.

There is a poem by Maya Angelo called Phenomenal Woman. I'll link it since I don't know the copywrite paste rules off hand. I know most of us feel pretty crappy, but it's inspirational.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/arch...html?id=178942


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

I'm not trying to make light of your situation...

BUT...

When I saw your thread title I thought...

"Oh, that's easy, it's ME!"









I finally started an exercise plan today. But in a minute I'm going to go make a pan of macaroni and cheese because I'm starving and it is either that or eat a Nathan's hot dog. I'm sorry, it just has to be that way. I'm a little conflicted...overall the mac'n'cheese seems to be the healthier choice but the hot dog while containing more fat is some actual protein. Maybe I'll have both.







You know, for balance.

Sorry, I didn't mean to deflect from your situation. I think this side effect is just horrible too. Hang in there. When you are ready you will make healthier eating and exercising decisions. Have you read the body punishment thread? That was helpful for me to realize that is was okay to feel that way.

Jenne


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

I'm in the same boat. I've gone up in weight a lot over the past few years, but when I see pictures of myself 6 months ago compared to pictures taken this last weekend the change has been the worst. I feel like I'm going downhill and its taken its toll on my self esteem. THEN as I was going through my miscarriage I kept seeing that being overweight can increase your chance of miscarriage, and part of me blames myself for being overweight. I don't think I've ever said that "out loud."









Should we start a getting healthy after a loss thread? We can use it to cheer each other on!

What do you think?


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

Oh boy, I hear ya.
A year ago I was blissfully eating my way thru the 1st few weeks of pregnancy and I was feeling virtuous since I had switched antidepressants to one deemed 'safer' for pregnancy. 2 miscarriages later I've gained over 40 lbs and have been mired in a crappy depression and lethargy that I attribute to the SSRI as well as to the grief and sadness (and 2 pregnancies worth of 1st tri munchies).

I'm newly pregnant again, and am as joyful as I am anxious, but I miss the woman who was round and healthy, not sad and fat. The woman who was not tut-tutted at physicals for having a fearfully high BMI and now at risk for GD. I miss the woman who could enjoy shopping for clothes and was gleefully creative with what she wore. This girl now wears sweats and clogs. period.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Minarai* 
If you think YOU'RE fat, hear this:
I wear a size 24/26, weigh approximately 315 pounds and am on the "uninsurable" list.
Plus I have asthma, Asperger's syndrome and chronic acne.
In short, you don't have it as bad as I do.







s

I'm go out on a limb here - I don't really know that it's appropriate to compare situations, and decide who is "worse off". Maybe your aim is to make EB feel better, but just remember that everyone's feelings are relative to their circumstances.
I mean, everyone knows that there are people worse off than tham - but that does make a down day any less down.
It's just that if I were the OP, and read that - I might be a little offended.

In other news - I've been told by 'friends' lol that I'm still looking a bit porky - and I am. However, newly pregnant, I'm terrified to do anything tougher than a gentle walk - so I guess it's going to stay that way.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

maybe i should go resurrect my old 'something healthy every day' thread for us!

Sara, (and the rest of you!) I TOTALLY get what you're saying, my friend. EXACTLY! I had a miscarriage the cycle right before I got pregnant with Matthew so I gained weight from that then all of Matthew's baby weight, and THEN the eating crap/no exercise for weeks afterward.

So that's when I decided at 5 weeks pp to start walking. Well, I walked every frigging day and even started throwing running in there and STILL no weight loss!!! I was completely at a loss. I have always been able to lose weight quickly in the past after having babies because of nursing! I used to eat like a horse and no exercise and still drop the weight off easily. Also, I was now nearly 36. It took me a long while to realize that this time was different, my metabolism had changed, I guess.

I had a long talk with my midwife and she suggested that maybe I was doing more emotional eating than I realized. Well crap, wasn't I allowed to eat anything I wanted after having my baby die??? That was a hard one to swallow too. It's only been the last couple of weeks now that my weight has started to go back down again. I started by writing down everything I ate. I only did that for a few days to get an idea of where I was at. I refuse to go on a "diet". I just wanted to be aware of what I was putting in my body. It was a scary realization (honestly scary!) that I couldn't eat a dozen cookies at night and then lose weight.

It was tough asking myself, "When you're pregnant again next time, do you want to start off feeling fat?" and "Are these cookies REALLY worth this extra weight you're carrying?"

Right now, I can honestly say that NO, it's not worth it to me anymore. I've suffered so much and I deserve to feel good about myself, even when it doesn't feel good to say no to more dessert and yes to a morning run. YOU deserve to feel good too, Sara. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve it. Please don't think I'm saying I have all the answers and you should just do what I've done. I just relate to what you're saying here so completely!!!

And YES to what Liz said! We can cheer each other on on FB too.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Oh hun, I am so sorry you see yourself that way. I think self image can be quite the burden sometimes.

I still look pregnant when I let it all out, and ya know, (just between you and I LOL) sometimes I even rub my belly and imagine I am still pregnant. I know that's bad, I should probably not even admit to it. ah well.

I think feeling healthy is important, I don't know exactly what that feels like, but I think it's important nonetheless. As previously mentioned, that something Healthy every day thread should definitely be resurrected.

Be gentle on yourself mama, it hasn't been that long.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
I'm go out on a limb here - I don't really know that it's appropriate to compare situations, and decide who is "worse off". Maybe your aim is to make EB feel better, but just remember that everyone's feelings are relative to their circumstances.
I mean, everyone knows that there are people worse off than tham - but that does make a down day any less down.
It's just that if I were the OP, and read that - I might be a little offended.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Oh Sara,









I'm soooooo right there with ya. I have no idea what I weigh. I do know that nothing but my fat pants fit. Fat pants from 4 years ago when I worked so hard to loose 70 pounds. I think I'm up 20 from prepregnancy. At 5'1 20 pounds might as well be 50. My ass is dimpled. My belly is deflated and saggy. I have mo idea how dh finds me attractive...but he does. Like Christie said, I think it was emotional eating and also crazy, crazy hormones. Because with my fat ass I had, untill recently, acne _everywhere_.

I'm now eating way less. No sweets allown in the house. I'm not snacking with dh. I replaced my vodka mixed drinks with 1-2 glasses of red wine. I'll go walking when I'm able but right now I'm trying to get the house ready for T-day.

So,







to all of us. This sucks.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I think that would be a good thread to start. I didn't look, is it started yet? I walked 5 miles the other night while talking to my sis about all sorts of stuff. I didn't realize I walked that long. Today I walked 2 miles, which took forever with 2 boys walking along







The only bad food choice would be the m&m's in the bowl and a hershey bar the other day. I got myself into the "don't buy it, can't eat it" thing. I really want to start running. I got up at 5:30 today planning to, but was so tired from not sleeping well, and it was soooooo humid outside. Maybe tomorrow.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## WillowsWay (Oct 28, 2009)

I am sorry for the loss of your sweet boys.









I applaud you for walking and exercising...I've been a lump this past month and have not found the motivation to start moving again.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Wow...what an amazing outpouring of love....

You are ALL so wonderful...why do my dearest friends have to be so far away?

Last night we went to a Halloween party. I am a Goddess....so.....next to all of the very slender dancer like bodies that were floating around in perky costumes, I felt....well... BIG.

My husband twirled up to me and told me I looked luscious. I looked in the mirror that spanned the wall (the party was in a dance hall) Mammoth boobs, full hips...all wrapped in gauze and gold. I looked like Mother Earth or something. But like a sad mother earth.

We did a game where you find a partner, learn all about their charecter, and then have to tell the circle about them, and visa versa. My youngest son was my partner. He told everyone I was Mother Earth. and that I was sad because of all the bad things that happen on Earth. then, to spare me having to talk I think...he then announced that HE was Marvin Martian, and that he wanted to destroy the earth but that he really couldn't go through with it because she was so pretty and so soft.

I danced with my little martian in my arms....

I am soft.

I am sad.

but...I'm really lucky too. So many people love me. I need to love myself too.








Thanks ladies....for understanding. I do need to start taking care of myself again. I'm 5'4" on a good day...and this is too much weight on this frame...no matter HOW big my bones are. But in the meantime...my husband thinks I'm appealing, my boys love my softness...and you all are my dearest friends.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

EM-did you ever watch Charmed? There was an episode where Piper became Mother Earth and took all her pain and fury out on the world.
I bet you guys look great in those costumes.


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
I'm go out on a limb here - I don't really know that it's appropriate to compare situations, and decide who is "worse off". Maybe your aim is to make EB feel better, but just remember that everyone's feelings are relative to their circumstances.

I'll go out on the limb with you: read her post again and then look up Asperger's Syndrome.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Sara, when I was a kid I remembering telling my mom, who was always heavier than the other kid's skinny moms, that she hugged better. I still think it's true. When getting a hug from a woman I'd rather her be chubby. Makes the hug feel warmer and more meaningful. That's what I thought of when you said your boys love the softness.


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

Wow, what a touching moment with your ds. Wow. What a great kiddo!

Jenne


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

) Ahhhh....love and friendship certainly helps chase away those blues....thanks ladies....


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaitingForKiddos* 
Sara, when I was a kid I remembering telling my mom, who was always heavier than the other kid's skinny moms, that she hugged better. I still think it's true. When getting a hug from a woman I'd rather her be chubby. Makes the hug feel warmer and more meaningful. That's what I thought of when you said your boys love the softness.

I told my grandma I liked to burrow in her blubber. I meant it to mean that I liked to snuggle with her and that she was soft, but she's teased me about it since I said it 15 years ago


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Burrow in her blubber! ROFLOL!


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