# Anyone 11-12 months past their loss right about now?



## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Just wondering.
The upcoming holidays and anniversaries are feeling hard to me. I'm trying to talk about my feelings alot so they don't overwhelm me.

Last year today I had a love-fest baby shower. It was so filled with joy and anticipation and love for my son who was on his way.

Today, I go to work and come home to my memories.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'll be thinking of you today and holding you in my heart. You're such a special person. It makes me sad that Nazir is not here in your arms.

I know how painful these memories can be. One thing I've found is that the build up to anniversary days is sometimes harder than the day itself. Anxiety is always a difficult thing to deal with.

Be gentle with yourself and know your limitations. Maybe a quiet dinner at home with SO? Do you have a favorite take-out place around you? Get some take out, light a candle, play some soft music and know that others care about you.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Sweet Teach: I am here with you. I am quickly aproaching the 1yr mark as well. I have noticed that the most bittersweet moments for me are when I compare this year with last. This time last year I was so full of hope, and Arawyn. Now I am lucky if I can even muster enough hope to get me through ttcing. You know I am always here. And I am....glad seems like a bad word for this situation, but I can't think of anything better right now... I am glad that I have you to go through this with.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am here with you guys too








it is so hard to think of last year, getting ready for the holidays and thinking of this year when we would have our babies. i also have Faolan's due date coming up 2 days before Keena's anniversary








to you

tara


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

The four of us have December babies, huh? It's definitely a challenging time to deal with your babies death.
I am glad I'm not alone, but I am sad that we are here at all. Taradt, my heart goes out to you for both Keena and Faolan.

I have tried to plan for some space in my life right around Nazir's birth/deathday- took off from work and dh and I are planning an out of town trip. I'm now more worried about the days leading up to it. But, I've been talking about my feelings to pretty much anyone who'll listen and I think it's helping.

Mamas let's really lean on each other right now.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I'm further along (two years today), but I want you moms to know I'm thinking of you. That one-year mark is so tough. I found that for several weeks before-hand I was very vulnerable and emotional. The day itself was much more intense than I had imagined, and I had really tried to be prepared. I'd like to share some thoughts that helped me get through the day. When I woke up that morning, I actually thought that it had all been a bad dream, that I hadn't really been pregnant and lost my baby. Then I opened my eyes and saw a picture of Kevin on my dresser and it all came flooding back. I was so overcome with emotion that it really felt like it had just happened and I was re-living it all again. (I know this is sounding really depressing, but I do have a point...). I was shocked by the intensity of my grief, and all I could think was, "I can't do this again...". Then it occurred to me that it was probably limited to that day and I wasn't really starting over again and facing another six months of psycho-grief. That helped me so much. I started telling myself, "It's just one day. I can do one day." Then it seemed more manageable. And the next morning I was okay again. Shaky and worn-out, but not stuck in that deep well that was characteristic of those first few months. Something else I realized was how far I had come and how bad it had really been. I was actually kind of glad to re-experience it (just for one day), because it reminded me of the hell I had come through and I felt so proud of myself for surviving that year. So, I think the more you can prepare yourself the better, and if it does hit hard, try to reassure yourself that it's limited, it won't last for months, you're not starting all over again.

And then, this year was so much better. Still emotional and bittersweet, but so much better.

Oh, hugs to you sweet moms...

Katherine


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

You know....us mama's that have been coming here for awhile know when one of us is appraoching a anniversary date. I am so thankful that we have eachother to love us no matter what...
ST, Iris, tara.....you are in my thoughts everyday. sending lots of love and hugs, peace, compassion to you.

So wish that we all lived in the same communities to help comfort one another.









Will be lighting candles for all of you.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

how are we feeling mama's?

i go back and forth between being excited about the holidays (i have always loved this time of year) and remembering that this time last year i was pregnant and had never even thought i could loose a baby, or that i should be getting ready for a new baby









as the lights are going up everywhere i am thinking of the tree we planted for Keena and the lights we bought to decorate it, not thinking that a year later not only would we be mourning and missing her but her brother as well.

tara


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Tara







I have been having some of the same feelings. I will get so excited about Christmas and then remember that I should be celebrating Arawyn's first Christmas now. Or I remember that we had Arawyn's funeral on Christmas eve. I think of you and Keena and Faolan often.

Sweet Teach: I am holding up alright. I had a meltdown the other day because of something MIL said about Thanksgiving, but I am moving past it. I really wish I could just hibernate through the holidays this year. I always love Christmas, even though I am Pagan, I enjoy the lights and the good will (and the shopping). This year just won't be the same. How are you? I know Nazir's Birthday is coming up very soon. I will light a candle for you.

Katherine: Thank you so much for coming here and sharing with us.







for you and your little winter angel. It is good to know that we can get past this day.

Jackie, I have that same wish. It would be so nice if we could all be together to lean on each other. It is nice that we are all here to support each other though. This is a really special group of women.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris0110*
Jackie, I have that same wish. It would be so nice if we could all be together to lean on each other. It is nice that we are all here to support each other though. This is a really special group of women.


I love you Shannon!!!!


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm doing okay right now. I've been crying each day, but it is starting to feel a bit cleansing. In exactly 2 weeks I will celebrate Nazir's birth/death day. I'm really trying to focus on that more than anything else. I'm planning to approach it as a celebration of life and love- that we have shared throughout this past year and I want to acknowledge the ways that I have grown and gained deeper friendships over the past year. That's my plan anyways.

Katherine, thank you for sharing! It's always so helpful to hear from the BTDT moms.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I'm not quite in the right spot, but I hope I can tag along. I'm also having a tough time with the next few weeks as I was due Dec 7th. I imagined how crazy this coming month was going to be with the holidays and my dd's birthday. I had things planned out on how to make the day special for dd and how to make each of them feel special on their birthdays every year despite sharing a birthday month with each other and Christmas. Even though I am pg again, I am still mourning the loss of the one who I will never meet at a time when I thought I would.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Join on in coleslaw...it's so sad to think about what we were doing this time last year, as opposed to now. It almost makes you never want to plan or dream of the future, ykwim?


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Shannon it is so hard to have what used to be a joyous occasion shadowed by this. do you have anything special planned for christmas eve or are you planning a nice quiet evening?

SweetTeach - do you have anything planned for Nazir's birthday?

coleslaw - of course you are welcome here, how are you feeling with your due date approaching?

a know a loss is always hard but it seems the ones around the holidays are worse, we aren't expected to be sad/upset when everything around us is joyful. we should all just run away together for the next month (someplace warm of course). if anyone is looking for some laughs, i am reading the book skipping christmas by john grisham now, i can definetly relate to them.

take care

tara


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Thanks ladies for letting me join you all. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't feel comfortable talking about it with other people. I mentioned it to my husband and I was surprised to hear that he was thinking about it too, but he's not the type to dwell. I just feel like I have so much sadness in my heart. It was such a rough year. My cat, my baby and my grandfather all left me. That's how I think of it sometimes. Maybe not healthy, I don't know. But this time of year makes it so much more difficult than I imagined. And this baby is due right when I had my m/c and I don't know how I will handle that either. One thing at a time, I guess.

How are you all planning on getting through this? Memorials? Meditation? Close friends?


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Tara, you are very right. It is hard when something that should be so joyful is over shadowed by greif. I don't know what we will do for Christmas eve. Traditionally we got to the IL's house to exchange presents. We even did it last year, but I was completely numb and don't remember much of it.

I don't know what we are planning for Arawyn's birth/death day. Dh is taking time off of work, and we are going to buy a mylar balloon for her. (we always get ds a balloon for his b-day) but I don't know what else I will be up for. Last year we put the funeral floral arangements on the mantle instead of Christmas garland, and I think we will do something similar this year. I am wanting to buy a pink rose garland and string pink and white lights through it. I don't know though, I will have to see what I can find. Arawyn's urn sits on the mantle, and I like to think that she is in the middle of our family gatherings.

Coleslaw, welcome to our little group. I totaly agree that it is so strange when you think back on your plans, and what should have been. I looked at the baby's first Christmas ornaments the other day and they made me cry. I tried to plan for what I would do this year, but I just can't seem to figure anything out. I want to do something in memory of Arawyn, especially so close to Christmas. I am thinking about donating gifts to children in hospitals, or maybe premies. But I may find that I don't have the energy for anything of the sort.

So what does everyone else have planned. Maybe there is something I am not thinking of.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Our Christmas tradition: I made a stocking for Kevin that matches the stockings I made for our other children. I buy boy-angel ornaments, wrap them, and put them in Kevin's stocking. On Christmas morning, the kids open them and put them on the tree. It seems to help all of us to have a way to remember Kevin and include him in our Christmas morning. I imagine at some point we'll have so many angel ornaments that we'll get a separate angel tree.

Big hugs to all the moms coming up on anniversaries. This is a tough, tough time.

Love,
Katherine


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Hi mamas,
Hope things were okay for you all yesterday.
I was okay- kept myself incredibly busy with cooking (I went overboard







) and I did stop to have a few cries, but they didn't knock me down like I thought they might. I'm still hanging in there (any choice?).

On Thursday, we are driving to Western MA to a bed and breakfast outside of a quaint little town that we like. We are leaving the morning of 12/2 and staying there for 2 or 3 days. We'll just relax and we may go to the Japanese Hot tubs. A friend just said that he's buying me a massage while I'm up there, so I may go that day, or the day after.

I have a pencil portrait that Dana of Portraits by Dana did of Nazir and I had it professionally framed so I plan to give it to my dh before we head out (he doesn't know about it).

I am also knitting an outfit for a preemie or stillborn baby that I will donate to the hospital where I had him in honor of my son. I finished the hat last night and it is so cute. It fits on a large navel orange. I'm starting the baby kimono (looks like a bunting) and that should be done by Christmas.

Something that is helping me push through the tough moments when I start to remember last year is that I tell myself to remember, but to also let it go. Now is not yesterday and that's okay. I can let the sadness wash over me and then watch it float away. I do not have to sink.

Katherine, that sounds like a special tradition to remember Kevin.
Shannon, I think the garland sounds so beautiful!
Coleslaw- you have had a lot of losses together...so what are your thoughts about how you'll commemorate your baby?


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

what a great idea to get away for a few days ST. sounds like a great and relaxing place









Shannon - i like the garland idea

what our plans are, when we were waiting for Keena to be born we went out and bought a christmas tree that we planted as well as lights to go on it. she is buried under that tree and we plan on decorating the little tree. i also noticed at sears engraving they had angel ornaments that held birthstones and could be engraved so we plan on getting one for Faolan and Keena. and we want to buy a present for a child in need that would be about the same age as the babies we lost, figuring this could be our tradition and that in coming years it would help our daughter remember her siblings as well as learning about helping others.

tara


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetTeach*
I did stop to have a few cries, but they didn't knock me down like I thought they might.

Glad to know that I was able to help in this way!








So glad that we were able to chat yesterday.

I can't wait to see the pencil drawing of Nazir........tapping my foot waiting. I have often thought of what he looks like. Coming from two incredibly beautiful parents....I am sure he is breath-taking.

Love to you all!!!

Shannon....HOW ARE YOU HONEY??? I MISS YOU!!!


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## Ms. Frizzle (Jan 9, 2004)

I'm 13 months passed my last one. Xmas eve is the anniversary of my second one









(((hugs)))


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Sweet Teach, I knitted some simple preemie baby buntings that I also plan on donating to the hospital. I hope to do it sometime soon. I have also thought about calling the hospital to ask what I can do that would most help the mother's and father's and premies who are going to be there over the holidays. Maybe I can come up with something special to donate or do for them. How are you feeling. I know Nazir's birthday is very close now. I hope that your time away with your dh is special and healing.

Jackie, I miss you to honey. I am doing alright. Thursday was murder though. Not as bad as I had thought, but still not easy. Luckily no one was at the IL's except MIL, FIL, and 2 BIL's. So I didn't have to put up with that mess. My mom and I went shopping together yesterday, but it wasn't as fun as it normally is. I just felt kind of down all day. I keep flashing back to what it was like to be so full and happy last year.

Ms.Frizzle, Hello. Having two losses so close must be hard. Welcome to our group. What are your plan's for memoralizing your babies and getting through the holiday's?


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

How is everyone doing? I thought I had replied to this before.
For me, I'm doing okay, now that ds's one year anniversary has come and gone. I'm not feeling too sad about the holidays...at least not right now.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am hoping once i pass Keena's anniversary and Faolan's due date things start feeling better







it has been hard the past few days.

my sister and step sister are both pregnant and due a few weeks after i was and that is really hitting me hard, neither of them is in a position to have a baby yet they both are, and i am sitting here crying over the 2 babies i really wanted that i lost. there is a bunch of other stuff as well but it really just links back to the same thing.
we had our annual party this weekend and i kept thinking how the last time i saw some of these people i was happily expecting Keena and now a year later i know the sort of pain no mother should ever know.

tara


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I am thinking of all of you mamas...coleslaw, how did you do on 12/7?

tara, I'm sorry things have been hard. It's awful that you have to grieve 2 babies right now (or ever).
I do feel alot better, I have to say. It's almost like a weight has been lifted...I hope this is the new normal.

I am hoping that the rest of you mamas have an easier time of it once your tough dates pass.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Tara I am sorry things are so hard right now. It is rough to have a relative due around the same time you were. My SIL and I were pregnant together. This year she is celebrating her daughter's first Christmas, and I am mourning the passing of one full year without mine.







We are here for you.

ST good to hear that things are going well. I hope it is the same for me soon.

I am feeling just kind of blah. I can't seem to get excited about anything. I have alot of flashes back to last year. Dh and I talked about what we wan't to do on the 21st, but we still aren't sure. The mantle turned out beautifully though. I got two garlands of little pink roses and inter wound them across the mantly and around Arawyn's urn. Then I strung pretty pink lights through them. It looks lovely, though it makes me sad. Dh bought me a pretty winter fairy. Her hair is a mix of red and blond and brown. She is wearing a pretty blue dress and she is kneeling on the ground collecting snow in the hem of her dress. Her wings are two halves of a snow flake. It is so pretty and makes me think of Arawyn. On the 21st I am going to sit it up on top of her urn.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Big







to everyone! This is really such an emotional time of year without what we are going through.

Thanks for asking about me ST. The day itself was fine, I have to say. It was the leading up that hurt more. But I think the day went OK because over the weekend, I found out that my mother remembered what that day was. She never called em that day to ask, but we had a good talk over the weekend which helped. I didn't think anyone would think about it. Also, a friend of mine realized and sent a note.

More







for everyone.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

coleslaw I'm so happy that your mom remembered your due date. That must have been very comforting. How are you doing now that the date/time has passed?

Shannon I don't think I mentioned how beautiful the pink roses sound! Arawyn must be smiling at the beauty and love that surrounds her.

Ms. Frizzle, how are you doing? We're almost at the 24th.

I'm doing quite well...much better than I expected to be. I think making it through one year, alive, healthy and feeling strong has really pushed me to the next level of grieving. I pray that all of you find similar senses of renewal after this time has passed.








and


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Still thinking of all of us mamas at this time.


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