# AP is making our lives miserable



## pixiewytch (Feb 7, 2007)

Where do I start? We didn't consciously choose to go the AP route but DD seemed to choose it for us. She wouldn't sleep in her crib without crying as soon as I set her down in it or fifteen minutes later about ten times a night so around four months I reluctantly brought her into our bed. We have always BF on demand which seemed like a laid back approach for all of us. To my disappointment, she has never taken a bottle, a paci, nothing but me. Now she is a little over a year old and I'm seriously going to lose it. I've been to many LLL meetings where I've learned the mantra "this too shall pass". It really helped me through those frequent transitions in the beginning but now enough is enough. I'm ready to have my life back. I feel like I still have a newborn in bed with me. She nurses throughout the entire night. If I roll over because one side is sore from lying there too long, she feels me stir and cries again to be nursed. DH and I have no intimacy. She will only be nursed to sleep for naps and now only in our bed. She refuses a nap anywhere else, not on a couch or anyplace except maybe the car.

To put things into perspective there is a band I would like to see in concert next month. A year ago they came and I couldn't go because I couldn't leave her here without me. A year has passed and I still can't go for the exact same reason. People tell me "oh, well, just leave her with DH for an hour or two". Well, she needs a nap in the morning, in the afternoon, and then bedtime....so when exactly does that squeeze out anytime for me to go anywhere? Most of the things I would like to do don't fit into her schedule and going out to watch the clock the whole time kind of defeats the purpose. DH and I haven't been out alone since she has been born. Although we could leave her with family for an hour or so to go out to dinner, they live too far away to make that practical.

DH and I live in two separate worlds lately. The more DD refuses to bond with him the more reluctant he is to take her. He works long hours so I have the luxury to stay home and I spend every waking hour with her attached to me or crying and a five year old who doesn't understand why we yell at him every time he wakes her up because she is a light sleeper. It is awful to just get her to sleep and have someone wake her up so that I have to go lie down for another thirty minutes before I can detach myself. It literally makes me angry.

Ladies, I don't think this is healthy for my emotional and mental wellbeing at this point. I'm starting to regret doing AP at all. I'm not saying that I disagree with it but it clearly isn't working out for me. I need some freedom of movement, freedom of spirit, which I absolutely don't have. DS was totally different so it isn't being a mother per se that is the issue, it is this style of parenting. It is draining me away. So what the hell do I do? I feel like it is terrible to try something different cold turkey like CIO which will inevitably be traumatizing for he when it is my fault she is so dependent on me to begin with.

Support seems hard to find although I'm looking in all the right places. Other AP moms sort of listen to my complaining as a non issue for them. It doesn't bother them to cosleep, stay attached to their babies all night, etc. They know that one day they will be older and it will be different. Yeah, yeah, I've been to enough LLL meetings to know the whole spiel. I just don't know if I can wait until she is three, four, or five. I want to live my life now which I seemed able to do with DS but this one has thrown me for a loop.

And if that sounds a little too, I don't know, selfish, please know that I'm not expecting to go out every day, every week, or every weekend for that matter. I would just like to be able to go see a concert every now and then without my entire brood with me, or go shopping for several hours, or DH and I go out for a romantic dinner. Is that so unreasonable?


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

i'm just waking up so I will post later, but I will say that you have wrote the post that I have had in my head for well over a year now. You are not alone at all in your thoughts. More later...

Shay


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

Mama - I have to run but I wanted to say that AP isn't about putting your needs on the back burner completely. It sounds like you need to make some adjustments to your life and start making some rules. Perhaps night weaning is a solution? It might e tough for the first little while, but it might give you the head space you need in order to better handle the day issues?

In my mind, AP is about respecting everyone's needs, your children's, your family's and yours as well. Sounds like you are not giving yourself much in the way of room for your own needs.

For what it's worth, my first, DS was exactly like your daughter. I did what I thought was best, but really, I should have taken some time for myself too. It was like I was a non-person for several years. I can so relate to how you're feeling.


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

My second was like what you're describing. I had plenty of moments where I regretted starting down the AP road. At 18 mos things started to get better. Also, I let DH put her to sleep sometimes when I couldn't take it anymore. She cried, but she was in her daddy's arms, and she was over a year old. If the crying was too much or frantic I'd usually take her back from him. But often it worked. Their bond grew, and now she can go either way when it comes to bedtime, bathtime, or playtime!

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Mama,

AP is not about doing it all yourself! Let DP have some one to one time with your wee one. Spend some time doing something for yourself. Start with 30 minutes a day. Take a walk, a bath, or just go into another room and do something for yourself! At this rate, you are going to burn yourself out!

If daughter is over a year, give her some healthy snacks and a drink and let Dad do that with her while you have some time to yourself. Have Daddy/daughter day. Have Dad take her on a walk, take her on errands. Change the pace a bit.

Make plans to go to the concert and keep them. Look for friends who support you and your needs, no matter what their parenting philosophies are. Your family needs you, but they also need you to feel good and be happy!

Also, could you find a mother's helper/babysitter so you and Dp could get out as a couple at least 1x a month? I think that going out together is so important. One good way to find a babysitter/helper is through a homeschooling group or local high school.

Best wishes mama. I wish I could give you a hug IRL.

Take care,


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Hey, that's rough.

I think sometimes we lose the P, for Parent, not mother, in AP. Dr. Sears's charmed life aside, there is in MY opinion no reason not to let your DP take your baby for a few hours. She may be unhappy and she may not have the perfect nap, etc. But she will be in the arms of someone who loves her - her dad - and learn to attach to and trust him as well.

I'll share my story on that one - when my son was about 10 mos old I was given tickets to a show I wanted to see and I cried all the way down to leave him with HIS FATHER, mostly because it was at night, and how would he nurse and go down? He never, ever took a bottle, slept for anyone else, etc.

When I got home he was asleep and just fine. My husband had tried a lot to get him to take EBM and finally they settled on a spoon - so my husband spooned 6 oz into him, spoon by spoon. Then my son went to sleep. That was the first night ever in his life he slept more than 4 hrs consecutively. And it was fine.

Don't be afraid to take a leap now and then - part of all the wonderful attaching work you have done is that your child DOES have the love and trust to adjust. It is NOT the same as a newborn that hasn't had any alternatives to nursing, has no concept at all of object permanence, etc.

Second, if you need permission to start nightweaning, you have mine.







Sometimes sanity requires it, y'know? There are good links in the nighttime parenting forum I think.


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## BMG580 (Jun 19, 2007)

I think balance is key. I made a lot of the same choices with my DD that you have made with yours and I didn't sleep for almost 18 months. I know that sounds dramatic but I don't count an hour here and there as "real" sleep. I was really tired, so tired I think I can't remember a lot of the early months because they are such a blur. I am pregnant again and due very soon and I know I will be doing things differently this time. This doesn't mean that I won't incorporate AP principles because AP really is what I feel is the natural and normal way to parent children. But I know that I am important too now and I can't completely self-sacrifice again.

My life change completely when I got my DD on a more established eating routine. Just nursing whenever she wanted got out of control and all I was doing was sitting around nursing a toddler. We made the first switch to getting her to sleep without the breast by starting a very specific and lengthy bedtime routine. We were obsessive about doing exactly the same thing every single time she went to bed and giving her a good half hour to wind down. The first few weeks were rough but we stuck with it and eventually the routine cued her for sleep instead of the breast. We did the transition very, very slowly starting first with incorporating bfing into the routine and then slowly removing it and emphasizing the other parts. We also went from nursing to sleep to holding her to sleep to being able to put her down and she put herself to sleep.

I just don't think you should feel bad for taking ownership of your own needs. It isn't like you want to drop her off in a room and let her scream for hours. The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers helped me create the routine that we used (and still use to this day!) and gave me a jumping off point.


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

Personally, for just a few hours, I'd go do what you want to do. She will be fine for a few hours with her father. They will work out their own method for sleeping if given the opportunity.


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## keriberry (May 27, 2007)

I've been down this road with my 2nd. In fact, I was so absorbed with meeting his needs that I didn't realize that I was pg until #3 kicked me at 19 weeks.







They are 1 year 10 days apart. I cried like I've never cried in my life. But, I think it was good for us. #3 was an easy baby, so #2 could still have plenty of attention. But, all-night nurse-a-thons had to stop. At 1, they understand infinitely more than they can communicate. I told him that we would nurse when the sun came up after nursing him down for bed. Of course, I rocked him and soothed him during all this. He started waking up at 5am and excitedly pointing out the window...at the sun.







I was a better mother b/c I could rest more. Although for me, the rest I needed wasn't sleep. Just a rest from nursing. I nursed from 10/00 until 12/06 without a break. The boobs were ready for a mini-vacation.









Try to find baby's happiest times and hook her and daddy up then. Does she like to ride in the stroller or be carried around the neighborhood. 30 minutes every night would be wonderful for you. Maybe they could bathe/shower together nightly. I know that you're tired...RIGHT NOW! But, it will get better very soon. The tide should be turning any day now.


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## pixiewytch (Feb 7, 2007)

Wow, I'm already feeling a little better. JEB, thanks for sharing your nighttime weaning routine. We already started something like that where I set up DD's crib mattress next to ours with her stuffed animals. I've tried reading her a story and nursing her to sleep there but she has caught on and now insists on climbing into our bed instead of sleeping in hers...so I wonder if we should have her in our room at all, or maybe it is just a long process.

I think I am definitely ready for nighttime weaning. It is just out of control and she knows no other way to sleep. During the day I can almost handle because she doesn't nurse constantly but nighttime is the worst...

and I think I will make plans to go see the show. I still feel nervous about it and DH will have a fit but I think I deserve it after this long.









Keep the suggestions coming since I need some changes and I'm just not sure where to start.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *veganf* 
Personally, for just a few hours, I'd go do what you want to do. She will be fine for a few hours with her father. They will work out their own method for sleeping if given the opportunity.

I agree with that. I also had a very high needs infant who chose some AP things I wasn't intending to do, and she'd just started solid food at 12 months so it was hard to leave her. And she and my husband had a hard time bonding at first. But you know what? I did leave her a bit here and there, and first with him for 2 hours or so at a time, and once I did that they started to bond. They are adorable together now.

So not only do I think you should start getting some time to yourself, I think it would be good for your dd and her daddy to have time alone together without you overseeing their interactions. I would start by leaving her with him here and there and once she'd used to that leave her with a grandma or grandpa or an aunt or uncle (someone she knows pretty well) for a few hours at a time. She's got an older brother who would be with her so it should go really well.

Really, it'll be OK.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Another







:

She's old enough to be left with a supportive caregiver and figure out a combo of solids, maybe expressed breastmilk in a cup that works for the two of them. Things that helped my dh get dd to sleep when young: stroller and carrier. Motion and change of scenery helped a lot.

I have a friend who, when his dd cried for Mama said "let's go look for her" and it turned into a regular game for them while Mama was out. They visited their neighbors, local grocery store, etc and "looked for Mama" everywhere. Basically an extended game of peekaboo until the toddler fell asleep.


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## HikeYosemite (Jan 21, 2006)

I could have posted this 12 years ago, your baby sounds so similar to my first. It was extremely difficult--especially with no grandparents or other family nearby to offer support. Your child might be too old for what worked at times for us, but we found by accident something that worked to put him to sleep at times. (We were pro-AP, but this is not an AP technique--but it worked.) When he got past the point of overstimulation, when he was inconsolable, and even nursing wouldn't put him to sleep (or he wouldn't let me nurse him and leave him to nap), a vibrating bouncy seat that made a lot of white noise, in a dark room, did the trick. He has symptoms of SID, and sometimes just being left alone was necessary to keep him from getting overstimulated. We did this only for naps, but it gave me a break at times (and gave him his much-needed sleep).

At night, our son always slept in the bed with us--he would have it no other way. He didn't keep waking all night long forever, but he did wake occasionally past the age of 3. We sometimes had to take those 3 am car rides on the freeway to get him back to sleep. Now we laugh about it, but it wasn't funny then! (BTW, he is an intense child still, but now it is hard to wake him up at night--we fear he'd sleep through a fire alarm!)

I noticed once with the youngest of our babies (then a newborn), when we were at a gathering of friends on a very hot day, that she nursed and fussed continually as long as I held her. When a friend took her, she was able to relax and fall asleep. I don't know why that was, but it seemed that my proximity to her kept her feeling the need to nurse continually. And our middle child got to an age where she was so distracted by our presence in the bed that we found she slept much better in a crib and seemed quite content there. (She did this only for a few months.) I much preferred having the babies in bed with us, but everyone needs their sleep. I think that sometimes we have to forgive ourselves and see that a little time apart from our babies is not necessarily damaging to them.

I do hope you find something that works. It is incredibly difficult to be needed so intensely by a child day and night. We all need time for ourselves!









(You might find more ideas for nighttime weaning in the book _How Weaning Happens_ by Diane Bengson.)


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I will throw out there that there might be something else going on with her. My kids have lots of food allergies and when they've gotten a BIT of dairy (or other allergens), they behave just as you described--light sleep, nurse all night, clingy, fussy, etc. When their systems are clear it's like night and day.

So, you many want to consider diet/food issues. Esp if there are any other signals--red anus, rough skin, cradle cap, red/dry patches of skin (esp on face), loose or mucousy stools, runny nose, rubbing her nose a lot, eczema (behind ears, elbows, knees especially), or any blood in stools.

That said, I worried a LOT less about regular, lay-down naptimes with my second. He slept on the go, in the sling, in the car, or wherever he just sort of fell out. And he got to the point where he could sleep through fireworks.









You might consider less napping for her, too. That sounds like a lot of naps for a one year old. Maybe she'll sleep more soundly at night if she's napping less during the day.

And maybe your dh can walk her around to get her to sleep a few nights--that way you could have a break and get to your concert knowing that they've got it handled.

Hang in there!

(This is why I'm not a big fan of the baby stage. Ugh. Give me bigger kids any day. I felt like the baby years were just sucking the very life right out of me!)


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Sorry I haven't read all the posts but wanted to chime in.

when constant "bonding" with your child is ripping apart your marriage and making you hate being a mother you might want to reconsider what is really best for your child.

She is not a new born. she does not have the same needs as a new born. her life will not be a painless adventure of always getting what she wants. it is ok to set some boundaries with her and it is ok if she is not thrilled with them at first. I mean if she were crying for candy would you give it to her without limits? no. why? because it is not good for her. same with nursing all night. she may be getting milk but it is coming with a tired cranky mama who is about to lose it. not good.

So. . . .

this is generally the age I night wean mine (give or take). do i have research to back up this decision? no. it is just the time, when if i don't get some space right now, I am going to freak out and hate my children. and I usually do it pretty quickly (that breaking point, for all three, has come pretty suddenly and pretty intensely). completely night weaning and placing limits on daytime nursing enabled me to continue nursing in a place where both of us could be happy about it. yes she cried a lot but you know what, she got over it. it didn't hurt our bond (it actually made it better because there wasn't this big bad thing in the middle of our relationship any more), it gave my husband a chance to become the good guy (he doesn't have boobs attached to his good guy status like i do so he could swoop in and still be mr nice guy even though he didn't have what she ultimately wanted. and he could sympathize and coo and be her hero.) So maybe a week or two of absolutely miserable nights then we all slept. forever. it went this way with all three kids by the way (more or less. .. Lily has always had issues sleeping.) I recommend checking into Dr. Jay Gorden and his information on night weaning.

also at a year -18 months is when I start placing more limits on them (regarding nursing) during the day and making solids more a part of their life. depending on the child and their nursing habits we either limited nursing to certain times of day or let her nurse whenever but only for a certain amount of time. at any rate it bought us both some touch free time which I was desperate for. and I know this sounds strange but I wanted someone in this freaking house to love me for something other than my body. it felt like everyone wanted a piece of me but no one really noticed me the person. My relationship with my kids really blossomed more and more as nursing was eliminated.

anyway . .. once nursing was no longer the definer of our lives they would go spend time with other people, hang out with dad etc and be just fine. the only one of my kids who had trouble staying with a sitter is the one that we waited until she was two to leave with a sitter and waited until she was older to have a bottle. with the other two we started right away (well 4-6 months) and started leaving them with grandma and dad when they were young enough to still not care. these people were a part of their lives and a part of their love circle from the get go. I quickly this was more important than making to some arbitrary age without giving them a bottle. neither of them have ever had any trouble with sitters. (well by sitters I mean being without mom







I don't really consider grandma or dad as a sitter.) With my oldest I had to go back to work when she was two so she just had to adjust. and she did. quickly. maybe 2-3 days. she quickly realized the benefit of hanging with these people who had been desperate to love on her









I don't care what anyone says spending alone time with someone is different than with mom hanging around and that bond and trust is going to grow much faster if mom leaves. mom leaving confidently sends a clear message that i tis ok to trust these people. they are capable. you will be fine. mom hanging out and worrying and fretting and refusing to allow these people to be alone with baby sends a message that these people can't do it like she can and are not to be trusted and you will not be ok. So when you leave your child with someone leave confidently and with a cheerful attitude (even if you have to fake it) it will go a long way towards making your baby comfortable.

honestly . . if I were you . . I would work on setting limits on nursing, work on leaving her with your husband (go for a walk. gradually increase the time . . . heck let him take over bed time), leave her with other sitters and go out with your husband. and then go to the concert and don't worry about it. she will adjust. She is firmly attached and a few minutes, a few hours or even a night or two away is not going to wreck that. her world is very good. one night of it being less than her ideal is not going to change that. it might make her mad but she will get over it. relax. enjoy life. she will not die from experiencing a few hours without you.

even the sleeping shouldn't be an issue. I have been amazed at how easily my children go to sleep for other people (dad included) and other peoples children go to sleep for me. you may be pleasantly surprised. getting away and letting dh and dd figure it out on there own might be the easiest, quickest most painless way for her to transition.


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## Etay005 (Jul 12, 2005)

You do need some time for yourself and even a short break from a high needs babe will make you feel better. I was freaking out about returning to work after DD#1 was born and leaving her with DH. He had never really even held her for any amount of time before that day because she just lost it if anyone but me held her. After a few days of crying (the loud high pitched kind the reverberates off the walls) they found their own way together and are now bonded to each other like glue.


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## kkfum (Aug 14, 2005)

i second what the pp's have said---give your dh "permission" to parent her. as my dh was, i'm sure he's just feeling rejected and unhelpful. trust him to be a good dad and she will be fine. your dh will feel more involved and helpful and you will get the break you need. and your dd will benefit from a great bond with daddy.

my dd (now 27 months) was the same exact way--nursing constantly day and night and a horrible sleeper. and although she definitely preferred me to dh (and still does when push comes to shove!), dh was persistent from early on, knowing that i needed a break, and was gentle and loving and now they have a great relationship!

i think right around 14 months or so, it became more and more difficult to get dd to sleep nursing anyway, so i ended up having to find a way to put her to sleep w/o it. but dh never had a big problem getting her to sleep. there was crying, but then again, she cried with me, too. she was never left to cry by herself.

you need a break, your dd needs her daddy, and your dh needs to feel needed. it's ok.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I have to second all of the suggestions to go ahead and let you DP watch her. Leave some pumped milk and let them figure their own way out .. and trust me, they will. It's also going to be the best way for them to bond. Sure, it will be an adjustment and she might cry a bit, but she'll be in Daddy's loving arms and they will work it out and be closer because of it. Plus she'll learn to go to sleep without you sometimes!







s:

I think it's un-AP to put your needs last, which is what you are doing. It's ok to need a break and you will be a much better Mama because of it.

So I highly recommend leaving your dd with her Daddy, you can start with short periods of time and built up to longer ones.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

I haven't read the replies yet but all I can say is that is a difficult age IMO. You are ready for your baby not to be so dependent but she's not.

Your dh absolutely should spend as much time with your baby as possible.

It's normal (but very, very hard) for a baby to want to nurse all the time at that age.

ETA: a lot of people have found the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" to be very helpful with sleep issues.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Sounds like my first. Oh man, when I got pregnant with my second I was terrified she might be twins (runs in the family). The idea of having to do TWO of my first child made me want to cry.

It is a hard stage. And it is a hard point for her and you. There is NOTHING wrong with your DH taking up some of the parenting. Really. He isn't a second class parent. He's just not YOU.

I know that this might be a bit frightening, but my first and my second to a lesser extent were like this until they were about 20 months. Then by 24 months they were much much much easier to deal with about the whole nursing/sleeping/mommy time thing.

The process of getting there was slow. But it did work. I started at about 15 months taking them off the boob everytime they stopped actively nursing (not just flutter sucking). Over and over and over again. They are tenacious little things for sure. Eventually it did take though.


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## 3*is*magic (Sep 13, 2007)

_*I think sometimes we lose the P, for Parent, not mother, in AP. Dr. Sears's charmed life aside, there is in MY opinion no reason not to let your DP take your baby for a few hours. She may be unhappy and she may not have the perfect nap, etc. But she will be in the arms of someone who loves her - her dad - and learn to attach to and trust him as well.*_

I couldn't have said it better. You will be a better, more patient parent if you get a break. Baby might not like it, but she will be safe and loved and will survive. In fact, it will be good for her to learn that there are others she can depend upon who love her if mom is not available. And it will be good for DP to have time alone with the babe to develop a relationship. A win-win-win situation. Now go out and have some fun!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

My ds nursed like that. I lived through it, but I'm not sure I'd nurse around the clock like that if I had to do it again. It was HARD on me.
But then, I tried to nightwean a few times, and it was just really hard for him, so I stopped. So I don't know exactly WHAT I'd do differently.
When we finally nightweaned at 2.5, it was awesome. It made a huge difference in my nights. And we cut way back on the daytime nursing- now, at 3.5, he nurses once a day, in the morning. I can leave him whenever, and for however long, and he's fine. He can go to sleep with dp almost as well as he can go to sleep with me.

Nursing is such a two way relationship. I think YOU have a right to be happy with what's happening with your body, just as much as kids have a right to be nursed. yk?

It doesn't sound like it's AP that's the problem, per se. It sounds like you need some space, which is quite allowed in the AP world. lol.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *keriberry* 
At 1, they understand infinitely more than they can communicate. I told him that we would nurse when the sun came up after nursing him down for bed.

That worked wonders for us! I'd even nurse him if he insisted during the night, but just by telling him that I wanted him to sleep all night, and we'd nurse when the sun came up, gave me many more hours of sleep!


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

I find AP is ahrdest when you are doing it on your own. I have no idea how single moms manage it without going crazy! What makes it easier for me is how involved DH is. It's true that at 19 months old my son still nurses to sleep with me but he also can fall asleep on DH's shoulder while DH dances with him to their favorite CD.
The way DH gets DS to sleep is very different from what works for me.
I am just mentioning this because there very well could be a way for your DH to get DD to sleep as well but he would really need to step up and become more involved all together IMO.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

And it isn't the end of the world if your dh has trouble getting her to bed. There are times I'd go out in the evening and I'd come home and dd would still be up at 10:30 or whenever because he hadn't been able to get her to sleep. And she'd be dressed in just a diaper, or in a diaper and a onesie that hadn't been snapped at the bottom. It isn't that big of a deal and it didn't happen very often. She just slept in and napped a bit longer the next day. And it didn't take very much of that before she'd just fall asleep on the couch next to him. And it didn't take very much of that before she'd let him put her to bed.

Be willing to be a bit flexible. Just go and let your dh work out the details. Let him do things his way, and don't second guess him when you get back. He also needs confidence, and you entrusting her to his care and then coming back and being happy will help with that.

So this is a bit of a personal question, but did your dh go through the whole baby thing with your ds, or have you been together since your ds was born? If this is his first baby, things will be harder for him, but if he's gone through it before he should be fine, even if she is high needs. And even if it's his first, he'll survive and it'll be good for him to help him gain confidence.


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## poetesss (Mar 2, 2006)

Sometimes I think we mistake "attachment parenting" for "attachment mothering." When I realized this and encouraged my husband to take on the reins for a while when I wasn't there, they bonded and attached to each other in ways I wouldn't have imagined. I used to think, "Oh, he only goes down to sleep with me," but when they were left alone, my dh managed to put ds to sleep. I used to think that ds only wanted *me* at night, but given the chance, he often times lets dh cuddle him back to sleep, which saves me a night nursing session.

IMO at this age it gets a little easier to set some boundaries so that it's not all mothering, but rather parenting with both partners getting involved.


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## pixiewytch (Feb 7, 2007)

Thanks for more encouragement ladies. I think that if I could do the nighttime weaning or get her to fall asleep without the breast, that would be a huge relief for me...of course probably the hardest thing to do as well.

Mamazee, DH and I have been together since before DS's birth. He was incredibly hands on with DS but things are completely different this time around. He always feels like DD doesn't want to go to him or be held by him so I think he has just kind of given up whereas DS at her age would cry every morning when he left for work and even wait in the evenings by the window for him to get home. This is just as different for him as it is for me. I just wish I could get him to take a little more initiative. I feel like it was so easy for him with DS so being an involved daddy was easy but this time since it takes more effort he just doesn't seem interested in stepping up to the plate.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I could have written your post. The thing I HAVE to remind myself is that traditionally, in cultures where AP is the norm, there are an average of *6* females caring for each child. Mother, Aunts, Grandmothers, Cousins, siblings, ect. Even more than just one mommy nursing the babe! So for us in this day and age to expect ONE mother to do it all alone is unreasonable and NOT healthy for either the child or the parents. With my first dd, I did everything. I was afraid to leave her because she was SO difficult with me, her mommy, I couldn't imagine how miserable she would be with another person. When she turned 2, I had a total breakdown. I was nursing all night long, caring for her all day, and she wouldn't touch dh with a 10 foot pole. The less she wanted him, the less her tried and it was a vicious circle. We started 'daddy-dates' starting with just 2 hours and then now, he takes her 2-3 full days every month. They go to the theme parks, watch a movie, the play gym, ect. and I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Regarding the sleep: dd has never, ever fallen asleep with anyone but me when I am here. However, she has fallen peacefully asleep with both my mom and dh when I'm not here. No crying involved. They WILL accept a loving substitute. It may not be her first choice, but a stressed out frazzled mama isn't either, kwim? HTH


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Hugs mama. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. At that age I dont se any reason why you cant nightwean her. Maybe if you did that you would feel much better?


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## rachelmarie (Mar 21, 2005)

Quote:

AP is making our lives miserable.
I thought the same thing last night, but for slightly different reasons. So much great advice has already been offered and I don't have anything to add. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Some type of mother's helper. Use the next two weeks to find a homeschool girl, boy, grandmother, neighbor, church friend, babysitter, highschool, middle school girl, sister, aunt, mother, friend, LLL parent, someone to help a few hours a day, for several days a week to help entertain the little one.

Creating an on-site familiar resource _now_ will help immensely in the long run, even if you spend time just chatting with the mother's helper at times. The familiarity of the individual nurtures the potential "babysitter" or "playmate" for later too. Consider it an investment in a relationship, not just a quick fix.

After the mother's helper was with us for a few months, ds couldn't care less if I were working in the other room. He LOVED for her to come to play. After about a year, I was comfortable to run a few errands while they played. Then she started to come on Sunday afternoon and dh and I had a date! But, no way could we do these things in the evening with our little guy. He needed *mama* to help settle at night. We choose to never leave him without his consent and we *do* get time for ourselves. It has required some accommodation to his evening/sleep needs, and some creativity to find the time during the day time hours.

Perhaps, sooner than later, you will be able to leave your daughter with dh or a loved mother's helper for short periods. Or, with the two of them, or bring them both along to entertain the children. For instance, dh would come to the grocery with me and ds; but I would get to shop alone! Or have a quiet dinner with dh, while a mother's helper is playing with dd in the adjacent room. But, one year is pretty young for her not to want mama exclusively, ime.

Also, please read about the No Cry Sleep Solution regarding adding sleep associations other than nursing. NOW! Here is a thread about it. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=shussh Also, look into food issues, frequent night wakening is highly associated with wheat intolerance.

You can be very attached _and_ have additional caregivers. We never left ds with anyone against his will. And never did any cry to sleep stuff. But, we also had a high needs, nurse all night boy. There are many ways to have time for yourself and be attached.

Pat


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy2abigail* 
The thing I HAVE to remind myself is that traditionally, in cultures where AP is the norm, there are an average of *6* females caring for each child. Mother, Aunts, Grandmothers, Cousins, siblings, ect. Even more than just one mommy nursing the babe! So for us in this day and age to expect ONE mother to do it all alone is unreasonable and NOT healthy for either the child or the parents.

I totally agree with this. And in our culture it is necessary *to create a village*, or extended family, for our children.

Pat


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Was here a full moon last night or something? We had a rough night that sparked some "I hate AP" feelings in me, as well.

I think it is a really, really good idea for you to get out alone. Leave DD with her father - in short bursts a couple times at first if you need to - and they will both be AOK, I promise!

At one, she doesn't need to rely on BF as her only sourse of nutrition anymore. If she gets hunrgy, he can feed her. it will be good for both of them, and it is ESSENTIAL for your well being, it sounds like.

Give yourself permission to not be her only parent. They really, truly will be Ok, and while things will get done differently than the way you do them, they will get done, and baby will be OK.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *veganf* 
Personally, for just a few hours, I'd go do what you want to do. She will be fine for a few hours with her father. They will work out their own method for sleeping if given the opportunity.









: I was going to post the same thing.










That seems to be a very tough age, baby is probably getting ready to go through some developmental milestones.

I used to be terrified to leave my monkey alone with daddy, because "but, he'll want to nurse! He'll do this! He'll won't be able to do that!"

Around the time when my monkey was your daughter's age (he's 2.5 now) I realized that (albeit very reluctantly with a little pushing from a childless friend acquaintance







) that he'd be ok for 2 hours. He eats solids pretty ok. He'll be fine. So I went for a lunchtime cruise with her and left my monkey in the very capable arms of daddy.

And guess what?

I got back, and they both lived. They were a-ok. He fussed. Daddy handled it. He took monkey outside. He made lunch for him. The world did not come shattering down because I took a 2 hour vacation.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Right now while you've got the resolve to deal with this, I'd like to encourage you to make a commitment to being out of the house at least once but preferably twice a week. Some kind of commitment like a class can be a great way to make sure you stick with it. Pick anything - yoga, knitting group, etc. just something you commit to doing regularly and leave your child with dad so they have a chance to get to know each other. I'd also encourage you all to find a way to prioritize the two of them having some specific activities that you aren't involved in - it could be hiking with kid in backpack, going out for coffee and pancakes, whatever, but it isn't too early to start that.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I don't know if you dc is old enough to understand this concept, but it works for us. When he's nursing alot through the night (and HE'S 3) I tell him that my breast is empty and my body is making more. I tell him I'll let him know when it's ready. Sometimes he'll grouch a little, but he'll leave it alone for a little while. I also tell him "Just a little more" as a warning, and "One more sip" to which he latches off (he did this on his own). It may be a little while before you can use these type ideas, but just keep them in mind.


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## Isfahel (Mar 3, 2007)

My daughter is very similar, she is 16 months now and is pretty good during they day, she throws a few tantrums but it isn't too bad. At night, however, she turns into a monster, she wants to nurse almost constantly, if I twitch she wakes up and screams until I nurse her. When my poor boobs feel like they are being chewed off and I try to unattach her she screams. Last night was by far the worst we've had since birth, she cried for about 2 hours straight, nursing wouldn't help but for a moment, and then she cried off and on til 2:00 am. It has never been this bad before and I don't know what was going on that precipitated that. She is cutting her premolars and I know that has turned her from a sweet child into an grouchy one most of the time, but she has been bad at night for basically forever. To make matters worse, I am 4 months pg and that makes everything harder! I am dreading co-sleeping with a newborn and her if this doesn't get any better, they will both be screaming all night long!!!


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

I consider myself to be AP, we do it all, BUT...

and this is a big BUT....I never had a problem leaving DS for a little bit here and there. Like you, I am the type of person that REQUIRES some "me" time, and I don't find it to be at all selfish. Everyone is different!

I see on here sometimes that someone has a 5 year old or something that they've never left, and I'm AMAZED!!! I would never do that, but that's just me, and I don't want to judge that parent or be judged b/c I *would* leave my child (I'm not talking about a newborn here).

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE carve out some time for yourself. My DS has also been in daycare since he was 9 months old, and while he cried a little in the very beginning he has been GREAT w/ it, and now that he is 2 and half, he actually LOVES to see his friends and day care provider (it's an in-home daycare). I'm not working right now and he still goes 1 or 2 half days a week just b/c it's so good for both of us!


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

You've gotten some great advice already, just wanted to recommend The Fussy Baby Book as well. Yeah, it's Dr. Sears







:, but it has a totally different feel to it: humbled understanding, not preachy. My 1st son was/is very very very high needs, and AP was what his little personality _demanded._ It was soooo hard, I have very much btdt.


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

I haven't read all the replies, but I did read the OP and I have a few thoughts.

First, AP is NOT about being a martyr. You have to be a happy mama to be a good mama... so start trying to take some BABYsteps towards that end.

My baby definitely prefers me too, but she does love her daddy. So when he is home I try really hard to let him do stuff with her. I let him bathe her while I relax. I let him take her for a walk. I let him wear her. If you are not babywearing, IMO, you guys should start now, with no delay! Get some type of carrier you can use to carry your baby on your backs, and both you and your husband learn to use it. Then when you need a break, your husband can put her on his back and go for a walk. And if he goes when it is naptime, you just never know... he might return home with a sleeping baby!

I also recommend you read the No Cry Sleep Solution... there is a support thread for it in the Family Bed forum. It has some good advice that might help with the nursing all night issues.


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## lizajane30 (Mar 19, 2005)

This echoes what a lot of PP have said, but it really helps me to remember that Sears' "7 Bs" of AP include BALANCE. Sometimes I think it is the most important 'B" of all.

I hit a similar wall a few months ago when I just could not keep down the rage I felt due to a lack of sleep. I went to sleep on the couch for a few days, and lo and behold DS stopped asking to nurse. It wasn't our plan to night-wean, but we figured if he was at all willing we should take advantage of the opportunity. My life is so many times better than it was just because I'm sleeping from 11-4 (okay, so we're not totally night-weaned yet







). And to be fair, DS is now two. I wouldn't have been able to night-wean him at one year, though I know people who have.

One more thing a friend said to me recently: "It's really really hard to practice 'tribal parenting' when you don't have a tribe." Maybe having MDC is almost like having a tribe, if you don't have a local AP community.

Hang in there.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I haven't read all the replies yet.

For a while DH, DD and I were in this situation. We got through it by having him take her out.

At the beginning he would run to the movie rental place and then a store for snacks and take her with him. I would take a nice hot bath. Those trips were 45 minutes to an hour and she didn't really notice. Then we started having him take her out once a week. If I left her at our house with him - she would cry and cry. But she didn't mind going somewhere with him. She would also take a bottle for him out - but not at home.

After a few months of him taking her out every time he ran an errand - he is now caring for her twice a week while he works from home and I work at my office.

There was something about them going out that she was happy with. And then both of their confidence grew. But mainly - she was too busy to miss me.


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## Al Dente (Jan 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anniej* 
Mama - I have to run but I wanted to say that AP isn't about putting your needs on the back burner completely. It sounds like you need to make some adjustments to your life and start making some rules. Perhaps night weaning is a solution? It might e tough for the first little while, but it might give you the head space you need in order to better handle the day issues?

In my mind, AP is about respecting everyone's needs, your children's, your family's and yours as well. Sounds like you are not giving yourself much in the way of room for your own needs.

For what it's worth, my first, DS was exactly like your daughter. I did what I thought was best, but really, I should have taken some time for myself too. It was like I was a non-person for several years. I can so relate to how you're feeling.


I absolutely, 100% agree with this post. I had a very high-needs infant who has turned into a (less) high-needs little boy. Please, please take some time and nurture yourself and your relationship with H.


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## Breastfeeding Insomniac (Jan 15, 2007)

Your story sounds so much like mine. My youngest DS is a very intense baby. Since birth would only sleep if hes like less than 1/8 of an inch from me. Now he is 21 months, when I get him to sleep at night, the race is on, bc I know at most maybe I have a half hour to do what I need to do, whether its shower, eat dinner, etc. He will then wake up for me, and then latch on for like 2 hours with sustained suckling the entire time. People in my life do not understand why I can't go out at night, it would be catastrophic here if I wasn't home at bedtime.

I have no words of wisdom, bc things are the same here, and I just keep thinking he is going to outgrow this, but its taking a lot longer than i thought it would. He's my 4th baby and the first one who is so super attached like this.


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## FancyPants (Dec 25, 2004)

OP
Super amount of hugs. BTDT and it SUX!
It sounds more like your child's temperament than anything you are doing wrong or right.
She sounds high needs.

After all, you tried more conventional methods with her in the beginning - for 4 months! - that is a long time. So I doubt that if you had used a bottle, and CIO that you really would have it easier. I strongly suspect you would have it really hard for longer as opposed to killer hard for shorter.

To get some help you, I wonder, you mention your parents - If your parents are willing, could you explain to them how dearly you need help and see about leaving her with them for a night so that you can go somewhere. If they know it is going to be hell they may be prepared for it and willing to live through so you could get out. If they only have to do this once a month or so, they may be willing.

Also, so you know you are not alone.
My second was like this. He really did not sleep well consistently until he was three. At 16mos, I would put earplugs in and go into another room with the door shut and leave him with my DH. My DH was a very good parent with ds1so it wasn't like he wasn't trying. Well even if it took half and hour or an hour ds2 would SCREAM until I woke up through my utter exhaustion and earplugs and door shut in the other part of the house (and we were renting a very big house). So my poor DH had to listen through that too. DH was emotionally wrung out by the time I was thrust awake by ds2.

We tried everything. ds2 was just like this. I ended up finding out from kind, much older parents (i.e. those with grandkids or even greatgrandkids), that some kids are just like this. Many spoke of having kids that stayed up until 2am and then slept until 6 or "slept" like yours did. It isn't that past generations didn't have difficult babies but that humans forget or do not want to admit, usually, that they have no control over many things, including other people, no matter how small. I'm only saying this because I felt like _me, my methods, I_ was the failure. And general society is very happy to chorus in on this feeling.

Basically, if I could be guaranteed kids like ds1 and won a lottery, I would have 6 more. But even for 2million, I wouldn't have another baby like ds2 again.

Oh, now? ds2 likes DH more than me.








and he sleeps through the night like a ton of bricks.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Mama, big







Although both my girls have been very attached -- to the point where I didn't go out without my oldest 'til she was about 3 (and then she was with Daddy, who'd call if she started needing me), and my youngest seems pretty similar to her big sis in this area -- dh and I still have plenty of opportunities for intimacy 'cause both girls have always had a few hours where they've slept pretty solidly. I don't know what it's like to have such a light sleeper!

I really like WuWei's idea of building a village of people that our children can grow to trust and feel comfortable with -- such as by getting the mother's helper who plays with Baby while you do housework nearby at first, gradually moving a little further away until Baby's comfortable with you going out for short periods. Dh and I also don't believe in forcing our children to be separated from us before they want to be.

With both our girls, we've discovered that they were comfortable saying "Bye-bye" to me and going on short excursions (walks or short shopping trips) with Daddy, long before they got comfortable with me leaving the house while they stayed behind with Daddy. So that's how I get some alone-time; we started this at around 1 or 1 1/2 with dd1, and at around 2 with dd2. But we probably could have started it sooner if I'd felt the need.

Though lots of people are suggesting that you just take off for a couple of hours ASAP, I'm wondering if you might find your needs can actually be satisfied with a more gradual approach.

Sometimes when we've gone for so long with no break at all, extreme measures seem in order -- when really, wouldn't you feel somewhat refreshed if your dh started taking your dd (and older child) for short walks around the block or to the park, gradually lengthening the time 'til you could get an outing while knowing your baby was having a good time with her daddy and big brother?

Also WuWei's idea of the mother's helper provides some immediate refreshment in the form of having another person to play with your baby while you're doing things nearby -- and, like the "going out for short walks with Daddy" idea, can eventually evolve into your child having a relationship with another trusted adult besides you.

I think everyone posting here has a similar goal: that of helping our children to broaden their worlds, and build trusting relationships with a whole community of trustworthy people. I just agree with WuWei's approach more than with anyone else's.


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## bhawkins (Jun 5, 2005)

I agree with the PP's who have said that she needs some "daddy time". With my kiddos, I've been scared at first to leave them with DH, not because he's not a good daddy, but more for the fear that he wouldn't be doing things "right" or that he/she would cry. Amazingly enough, it's always worked itself out when I'm not home, just in a different way (because obviously he can't nurse).

You need to get out some and enjoy life if only for an hour or two at first. She will be OK and you will be a much better mommy for it.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

So I doubt that if you had used a bottle, and CIO that you really would have it easier. I strongly suspect you would have it really hard for longer as opposed to killer hard for shorter.
ita. who is to say that things wouldn't be even worse if she had a mother who was less responsive to her needs? I think you've given her a gift by making the sacrifices that you have- and I also think there should be a happy medium that includes the parent's needs. You are a person too. I think it's more than possible to continue to be loving and attached to her and still say "bye bye! mama's going to a concert, daddy, fend for yourself!"


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pixiewytch* 
Where do I start? We didn't consciously choose to go the AP route but DD seemed to choose it for us. She wouldn't sleep in her crib without crying as soon as I set her down in it or fifteen minutes later about ten times a night so around four months I reluctantly brought her into our bed. We have always BF on demand which seemed like a laid back approach for all of us. To my disappointment, she has never taken a bottle, a paci, nothing but me. Now she is a little over a year old and I'm seriously going to lose it. I've been to many LLL meetings where I've learned the mantra "this too shall pass". It really helped me through those frequent transitions in the beginning but now enough is enough. I'm ready to have my life back. I feel like I still have a newborn in bed with me. She nurses throughout the entire night. If I roll over because one side is sore from lying there too long, she feels me stir and cries again to be nursed. DH and I have no intimacy. She will only be nursed to sleep for naps and now only in our bed. She refuses a nap anywhere else, not on a couch or anyplace except maybe the car.

To put things into perspective there is a band I would like to see in concert next month. A year ago they came and I couldn't go because I couldn't leave her here without me. A year has passed and I still can't go for the exact same reason. People tell me "oh, well, just leave her with DH for an hour or two". Well, she needs a nap in the morning, in the afternoon, and then bedtime....so when exactly does that squeeze out anytime for me to go anywhere? Most of the things I would like to do don't fit into her schedule and going out to watch the clock the whole time kind of defeats the purpose. DH and I haven't been out alone since she has been born. Although we could leave her with family for an hour or so to go out to dinner, they live too far away to make that practical.

DH and I live in two separate worlds lately. The more DD refuses to bond with him the more reluctant he is to take her. He works long hours so I have the luxury to stay home and I spend every waking hour with her attached to me or crying and a five year old who doesn't understand why we yell at him every time he wakes her up because she is a light sleeper. It is awful to just get her to sleep and have someone wake her up so that I have to go lie down for another thirty minutes before I can detach myself. It literally makes me angry.

Ladies, I don't think this is healthy for my emotional and mental wellbeing at this point. I'm starting to regret doing AP at all. I'm not saying that I disagree with it but it clearly isn't working out for me. I need some freedom of movement, freedom of spirit, which I absolutely don't have. DS was totally different so it isn't being a mother per se that is the issue, it is this style of parenting. It is draining me away. So what the hell do I do? I feel like it is terrible to try something different cold turkey like CIO which will inevitably be traumatizing for he when it is my fault she is so dependent on me to begin with.

Support seems hard to find although I'm looking in all the right places. Other AP moms sort of listen to my complaining as a non issue for them. It doesn't bother them to cosleep, stay attached to their babies all night, etc. They know that one day they will be older and it will be different. Yeah, yeah, I've been to enough LLL meetings to know the whole spiel. I just don't know if I can wait until she is three, four, or five. I want to live my life now which I seemed able to do with DS but this one has thrown me for a loop.

And if that sounds a little too, I don't know, selfish, please know that I'm not expecting to go out every day, every week, or every weekend for that matter. I would just like to be able to go see a concert every now and then without my entire brood with me, or go shopping for several hours, or DH and I go out for a romantic dinner. Is that so unreasonable?

Changing The Sleep Pattern In The Family Bed by Dr. Jay Gordon

I came across that yesterday.

---------

sorry, walked away from the computer yesterday afternoon before i posted this, and didn't come back until this morning.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pixiewytch* 
Yeah, yeah, I've been to enough LLL meetings to know the whole spiel. I just don't know if I can wait until she is three, four, or five. I want to live my life now which I seemed able to do with DS but this one has thrown me for a loop.

I think there are enough threads on this site by mamas of 3, 4, and 5 year olds describing the same trapped, hopeless feelings that you describe, that "this too shall pass" is not the most realistic strategy.

Your daughter will be okay with someone else caring for her sometimes. Either your DH, or a mother's helper or babysitter. I find that some AP mamas are incredibly reluctant to take the step of finding paid help but honestly. It is worth the effort. It doesn't make you less of a mother, or less AP, to get an occasional break.

You would also be surprised how flexible babies/toddlers are about being with someone new. There are so many threads on the working mamas forum by mothers who are putting their child into care for the first time, at 6 or 10 or 18 months. They are so worried that the baby won't nap for the care providers, because they're so used to nursing to sleep. 99% of the time it turns out to be a non-issue. The care providers have their own ways of helping babies fall asleep, rocking etc, and it just works out.

We had a sitter at night for the first time when DS was about 8 months old, she was a 50-ish woman with grown kids. I told her we'd be home about 10 and to not worry about getting him to bed because he wouldn't fall asleep anyway without nursing. Imagine my surprise when we got home and he was asleep. I was like "How did you do that?" She was equally surprised that I thought my baby was hard to get to sleep, lol.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

didn't read all the replies... just wanted to mention that letting your dd stay with someone else (like her father) is not the same as CIO..... even if she's going to cry, as long as she is with someone who will stay with her and try to soothe her and/or engage her in something else, etc.... thats all she needs! she'll learn to adapt to other things. and honestly my dd was the SAME WAY. i was miserable.







she is still difficult. but i found that she is so much easier for ANYONE other than me. she goes down for a nap at the mere mention of it. she sleeps for 2 hours during a nap, in fact!! -- with SOMEONE ELSE. for me, its still torture.... nursing or the car, thats the only options that work for me.

you'll really be surprised at how she may respond to other people.

give it a try... i think you should go to the concert, just make sure dh is onboard with getting dd through the crying bit and working out a new routine of their own. i'm sure it will be FINE.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

It sounds like you might just need a little time to yourself.

Do you have a local friend that might babysit for a bit so you and dh can go to dinner. Maybe the following week you can go get a facial or massage.

I think it is important to take time for yourself if you need it.

When dd was born she was like that but I didn't mind being with her all the time. After ds was born it was a little different and I did want time to myself. So we worked it out. I would leave ds with dh or a close friend for 2 hours. At 8 months or so he could go 2 hours without nursing. Dh or the friend would just keep him entertained and he would be fine. 2 hours to myself to have coffee with a friend or dinner with dh was great!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I just want to reiterate that one doesn't need to leave their baby to cry in dh's arms in order to get time for herself. There are many alternatives which do not require the child to be left crying while mama walks away, nor mama never getting time for herself. I totally agree that there are ways to *nurture* attachment with other adults.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...5&postcount=30

Pat


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
I just want to reiterate that one doesn't need to leave their baby to cry in dh's arms in order to get time for herself. There are many alternatives which do not require the child to be left crying while mama walks away, nor mama never getting time for herself. I totally agree that there are ways to *nurture* attachment with other adults.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...5&postcount=30

Pat

I'm glad you mentioned this again, Pat! Not just for the OP -- but for anyone else in a similar place, who might be reading this thread in the hopes of finding a way to meet her own needs without having to "leave her baby to cry in dh's arms."


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't see any reason to assume the baby would cry in her dh's arms.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

I have to zoom off soon so I haven't read all the replies, sorry.

I just wanted to say that I know where you're at. Its a really tough time.

This was about the time that I started letting him have a feed then rolling over. I would reach back and snuggle him, but he didn't get the boob back. He'd fuss but eventually crash back out. It was about me having my boundaries and my sanity. Ultimately I was useless when I was angry, exhausted and resentful. It was still AP, it wasn't CIO and it did work, it just took a week or so. I slept better, believe it or not, HE slept better and things were much nicer in our house.

And honestly, I would also flick him off to DH whether or not either were in the mood. DS was his kid, too, and I needed my sanity. I would go to that concert and they could deal for a night. He can cuddle her, drive her in the car, give her some expressed milk, stay up and watch cartoons, whatever. You need to do something for you.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I don't see any reason to assume the baby would cry in her dh's arms.


Per my reading, this is exactly what has been advocated. However, it is not necessary.









Pat


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *excerpt from the OP*
DH and I live in two separate worlds lately. The more DD refuses to bond with him the more reluctant he is to take her. He works long hours so I have the luxury to stay home and I spend every waking hour with her attached to me or crying....

This is why. She said that whenever the baby is not on her, she cries. And, that the baby and her DH are not at all attached.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Oh I see. Well maybe for a while her dh could step up and hold the baby more often while she's there and she can see her mommy. She might only last three or four minutes at first before she needs mommy, but she might work the time up pretty quickly.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
This is why. She said that whenever the baby is not on her, she cries. And, that the baby and her DH are not at all attached.


Daddy can do parallel play, be present, engage baby while in mama's arms, nearby, or in another room. Thus, progressively increasing baby's interest and attachment to an alternate caregiver. Same as we did with other caregivers. If dh is not a familiar part of baby's day to day life, then she may not be attached to him. Meeting a child's attachment needs doesn't stop, just because he is the father, imo. Attachment can be nurtured.

Pat


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I don't see any reason to assume the baby would cry in her dh's arms.

Mine does.

And looks for his boobs too.

I have to let my baby cry occasionally. It's better than getting mad at an infant. And loud screaming and crying can incite anger in me, personally.

We all have to do the best that we can, with what we have. What will matter in the end, is love. I do not belive everyone shows love in the same way, nor do I think AP is the only way to acheive a secure, and loved adult child.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
If dh is not a familiar part of baby's day to day life, then she may not be attached to him.

Pat


I don't think this is the only reason a child isn't attached to dad.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
Daddy can do parallel play, be present, engage baby while in mama's arms, nearby, or in another room. Thus, progressively increasing baby's interest and attachment to an alternate caregiver. Same as we did with other caregivers. If dh is not a familiar part of baby's day to day life, then she may not be attached to him. Meeting a child's attachment needs doesn't stop, just because he is the father, imo. Attachment can be nurtured.

Pat

These are such excellent ideas!

For mothers who don't see it as a viable option to leave our babies crying in someone else's arms, here are some practical steps whereby we can get our needs met. Whenever we're not comfortable with what seem to be our only options for dealing with a particular situation, our discomfort is a sign that we need to keep looking for a better option, and not give up.

Pat is so good at reminding me of this!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 

I have to let my baby cry occasionally. It's better than getting mad at an infant. And loud screaming and crying can incite anger in me, personally.

We all have to do the best that we can, with what we have. What will matter in the end, is love. I do not believe everyone shows love in the same way, nor do I think AP is the only way to achieve a secure, and loved adult child.


Mama, congratulations on the new baby!







Are you getting enough sleep? Protein, water, magnesium, fresh air, any breaks? What resources do you have to help share the load? Have you checked FYT about creating a network for childcare swaps?

Taking bath with baby, with some lavender in the water could help to get some restful rejuvenation. Going for a walk with just baby and you. Even going to the grocery with just baby and you. Delegating, postponing household chores. ASKing for help for specific items, like pick up xyz at the store for me, toss a load into the dryer, take the trash up to the street, help Jr. brush his teeth, change the linen on that bed, unload the dishwasher, sort and fold the clothes from the dryer, carry the towels up and put them in the closet. Every little task adds up.

*People often offer to help; but we often refuse* out of our cultural attachment to "Independence". Children were not evolved to be parented by one person alone. Mamas were not evolved to parent alone. Think of three people whom you could ask to stop by to help for 30-60 minutes once a week for a month. Make a list of things you could delegate. Share the load. Folks want to help!

Pat


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
*People often offer to help; but we often refuse* out of our cultural attachment to "Independence". Pat

I think this statement is so important! With 2 under age 3 I've really learned that you know, I do need help. I could use the break. It's great. Our church started Wednesday evening meals a few months ago. DD is super-cuddly and loves people. Everyone wants to hold her. Here are all of these Grandmas saying "oh, let me hold her, Mama. You eat by yourself for once." It is such an amazing feeling to get that one meal without worrying about her. Just a little tiny bit of help really can rejuvenate you.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Just a little tiny bit of help really can rejuvenate you.

I've found that, too!

When my oldest was a toddler, I found that getting to lie in bed on Saturday mornings while dh got up and did things with dd, did me a world of good. Now he'll frequently take both girls out with him to run errands on a Saturday.

But when mamas don't have someone close enough (i.e. living in the home) to easily help out in these ways, they can get burned out so quickly, and pretty soon may feel that extreme measures are in order.

It makes sense for all of us to get busy nurturing that network.


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