# I don't know how to get through the next 8 days.



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

We had our first OB visit on Monday and it did not go well. I had a sac that measured 7w3d (consistent with a generous view of my chart) but there was nothing in it. My bloodwork from Monday showed my hcg at 47,000 and my progesterone "in the range of normal". The midwife said "Basically right now we're looking at a diagnosis of a missed miscarriage."

I go in today for more bloodwork, the results of which I should get tomorrow morning. . . and then I have an u/s scheduled for next Friday, the 24th. By dates I should be about 9 weeks then.

I've seen all sorts of stuff saying that if your dates are off, it could be OK. . . but I've seen nothing that says "If you know when you ovulated and conceived and have an empty sac at 7w3d, you'll be fine." And I'm scared - if this is a loss, it'll be our second in 4 months. The midwife mentioned talking to the doc about having repeat loss bloodwork done.

So I just keep plugging away. And crying. And trying to fill our days. I'm teaching right now - a night class - and I quite literally won't get any time off from it until 7/30. I can't afford to fall apart right now. At the same time, I can't afford to hope too much and find out I'm wrong.

Mostly, I just can't believe this.


----------



## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm so sorry, Monica. I'm hoping for the best for you. *hugs*


----------



## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)




----------



## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry.


----------



## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Monica. Waiting is so hard. Take care of yourself.


----------



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Waiting is so hard, especially when you don't anticipate good results at the end.


----------



## PhotoJournMama (Aug 22, 2008)

I am very sorry you are going through this. The wait is so hard.


----------



## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Waiting is hellish torture, and I wish I had a time machine!







:

I'm sorry, Monica.







I wish I had some great advice or uplifting anecdotal story to tell you... all I've got is







and lots of







: your way. feel free to come here and vent about how much the waiting sucks. Because it really, really does, and we'll agree with you 100%!


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thanks guys. I went for my second blood draw today and I'll get results Friday, I guess. I'm cramping off and on, so I'm not too hopeful.


----------



## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm soooo sorry MFuglei. The waiting is so hard.


----------



## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Thinking of you, Monica, & wishing you so much peace and strength right now.


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Thinking of you and hoping for that miracle!! Remember you can call me...anytime!!!


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thanks guys. I'm not sure I'll have to wait the whole 8 days. The doc just called with my 2nd beta. At this point, doubling periods should be about 4-6 days. My first was 47K and my second was 50k, with a doubling time of 23 days.

The midwife is awesome and basically told me that they wouldn't suggest I take any *action* before the repeat u/s on the 24th, but that my hcg progress is "inconsistent with an expectation of a healthy pregnancy."


----------



## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry Monica. I wanted to hear miraculous news from the blood draw. I'm so sorry you're in this hard waiting game.

(((HUGS)))


----------



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Oh,







! I'm so sorry. It's not fair. I'm so angry and sad for you. I wish I could say something that would help, but I know well enough that there's nothing to say except we love you and we're crying with you, Monica.


----------



## Lilasmom69 (May 28, 2009)

I'm praying for you.
I will say I was in a similar situation and they couldn't explain whether dates were off or tests were wrong, but I carried him 40 weeks, and he is fine today. So, it can happen. Sometimes they are just wrong. My hormone count dropped below 150, and it should have been doubling. Healthy young boy now.
I just prayed a lot and cried a lot, and tried to stay busy until that next test. I shut off my phone and didn't talk to well intended people who said the wrong things.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lilasmom69* 
I'm praying for you.
I will say I was in a similar situation and they couldn't explain whether dates were off or tests were wrong, but I carried him 40 weeks, and he is fine today. So, it can happen. Sometimes they are just wrong. My hormone count dropped below 150, and it should have been doubling. Healthy young boy now.
I just prayed a lot and cried a lot, and tried to stay busy until that next test. I shut off my phone and didn't talk to well intended people who said the wrong things.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I'm still holding out hope. Cervix is anterior (normal for me in pregnancy because of my tilted uterus) and shut tight. I still feel very pregnant with no spotting, major cramping, or diminishing of symptoms. Of course I realize that could mean nothing, but I still have a bit of hope.

So there's praying and crying. But there's also stories like yours, Lilasmom, that help. Thank you.

6 days. I'm keeping busy and keeping count.


----------



## wifeandmom (Jun 28, 2005)

Oh sweetie, I couldn't *not* reply, but at the same time, I remember so vividly not wanting to have false hope...

But it *is* possible that your little one is just fine. I have a 2.5 year old with an eerily similar early pregnancy history. I went back to my blog to get exact numbers.

At 6 weeks exactly, I had an "empty" gestational sac that measured 5 weeks. HCG that day was 29,600. Everything I read said you should see *something* in the sac once your hcg was over 10K. I was convinced it was over.

Two days later, my hcg was 33,800. Doubling time of 250 hours, WAY slower than the 96 or so hour doubling time you'd expect at 6 weeks. I was REALLY convinced it was over at this point.

My uterus was also tilted anterior and to the right. I had no idea at the time that this is WELL KNOWN to cause ultrasound issues in early pregnancy.

Fast forward to 8 weeks. Baby present and accounted for at next ultrasound.







: Heart rate was 171, the exact same initial reading of all three of her older siblings. How weird is that?

Seven months later, I had a healthy 7.5 pound baby girl. It's not over til it's over. Hang in there. I know it's really hard.


----------



## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Hang in there, Monica. I was hoping for better news with the blood draw. Hopefully, though, next year this time you will be one of these ladies telling your wonderful story with a healthy, beautiful baby in your arms.


----------



## songtothemoon (Jun 3, 2009)

Waiting is the worst, especially when the prognosis isn't positive.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!


----------



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I'll play the waiting game with you too mama. I've been told twice this pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and twice more that I shouldn't have "too much hope". My hcg numbers are low, wonky, growing slowly. I too have a U/S scheduled for this friday. And feel plenty pregnant as well. Its so so hard to wait.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
I'll play the waiting game with you too mama. I've been told twice this pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and twice more that I shouldn't have "too much hope". My hcg numbers are low, wonky, growing slowly. I too have a U/S scheduled for this friday. And feel plenty pregnant as well. Its so so hard to wait.









I think that's the worst for me right now, Lisa. I feel plenty pregnant. I show early - and I popped a wee belly over the weekend. I *look* plenty pregnant. I'm still sick and exhausted and all of those things and I vacillate between being hopeful (from stories I've seen here and elsewhere) and being really angry.

I know it's all normal. . . but that doesn't make it easy. Meanwhile, my husband is struggling every day with trying to make my life easier and the fact that nothing he does really will right now.


----------



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

(((monica))) how much longer do you have to wait now, hon?


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
(((monica))) how much longer do you have to wait now, hon?

My appointment is Friday, 3:45 mountain time. Which feels like forever.

When I was a kiddo and was excited about something, my stepmom and dad would refer to the days as "sleeps", as in "Fifteen sleeps until Disneyland." I've woken up every morning since I made the appointment saying "X sleeps until my appointment." Today that's three. Three sleeps until my appointment.

There's a large part of me that just prays that if this pregnancy WON'T work out, I'll have answers long before Friday and will just naturally miscarry any day now. . . then there's that other part of me that thinks, gosh, empty sac and not-doubling hcgs mean nothing - the baby will be there on Friday.

(That second part of me is insane.)


----------



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Monica, that part of you is not insane. I know I have questioned my sanity several times now on this road but none of us are insane for holding out hope... or for anything else.

Three more sleeps... we'll be waiting with you. Isn't it bittersweet how things come up from our childhood at times like this? (((hugs)))


----------



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I feel the same way, Monica... like I'm crazy to have hope...


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Ugh. I'm coming down with something or maybe a m/c is starting, I don't know. Still no bleeding, but I feel really badly nauseous (like sick sick, not morning sickness) and my gut is roiling. It's 2 a.m. and I'm eating some bread in hopes that it'll calm things down. I swear, I think I've given myself an ulcer this week. We're calling the office as soon as they open to beg the doc to get me in sooner.


----------



## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're feeling crappy. I hope the doctor can see you tomorrow. Waiting is just horrible.


----------



## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

How awful to be having to wait like this. We'll all be here to count down the days. OK so you may think it's crazy to hope even though the chances are slim. How many people play the lottery every week? They've got less of a chance of a good outcome. Also slim hope is better than no hope.

Same as all of us you have a rocky road ahead, whether it's going through a miscarriage or joining the paranoid pregnant after loss. Don't be worried about getting a little bit of crazy out on the forum, better out than in and there are lots of others who've felt exactly the same as you. You and Lisa aren't alone, I just hope you both get an answer quickly.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thank you so much Clare. I'm trying hard to stay out of bitter self-pity land right now, and the kind words I get on this board are exactly what I need.

I finally know - feel - that whatever happens, it'll be OK. It will. Two sleeps left.


----------



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I'm sorry you're feeling crudy.


----------



## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MFuglei* 
Thank you so much Clare. I'm trying hard to stay out of bitter self-pity land right now, and the kind words I get on this board are exactly what I need.

I finally know - feel - that whatever happens, it'll be OK. It will. Two sleeps left.









s Monica







s

I'm so sorry that the wait is so treacherous, horrendous, and awfu.







I wish doctors would have ANY idea of what this is like for women so that they might be a little more sympathetic, and possibly see us sooner.







: I am so grateful to have a doc who is also a family friend...he'll see me every day if I need it, if I EVER get preg again.









Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and praying that things work out on Friday.







: I am further hoping that things resolve soon (hopefully with a healthy, viable pregnancy!!) but that you get some peace, either way.

Also...how awesome that your family also used "sleeps"...wow...I TOTALLY did the same thing as a girl. "Mommy, how many sleeps until school starts?"









Can't wait to teach my own little one that same term.







:

Claire


----------



## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Thinking of you







I hope you get some answers soon


----------



## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

Two more sleeps...


----------



## Lilasmom69 (May 28, 2009)

yes, mine was anterior as well. I had similar ultrasound experience. 8 weeks and I had a normal one. Sometime between 8-10 weeks we repeated to check on heart rate. My hormone count never got abover 12,000 at 16 weeks, but I carried him anyway. I didn't know this wasn't normal until I carried my second child. I'm praying for your miracle too! Just a couple more days and I hope you'll see on the ultrasound what you are hopeful for.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thanks guys. I put in a call to the doc today to see if he can possibly work me in today or tomorrow instead.

I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night, my morning sickness is really bad, I'm getting migraines and I've developed both lower left-side pain and dizziness in the past 24 hours. Now I'm worried that she *missed* something on the u/s. It could easily just be normal pregnancy stuff - or it might be tubal - or something. I don't know. What I know is that I don't feel right. DH called and left the message for me and hopefully I'll hear back sometime this afternoon.

ETA: Zero sleeps. I can't see my doctor, but I can see a good doctor I've met before. I go in in 40 minutes.


----------



## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Oh, good, Monica. I am anxiously awaiting your update and praying for wonderful news.

Amy


----------



## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Monica









I'm keeping EVERYTHING crossed







: for good news...I'm so relieved they are seeing you soon. Please keep us posted.

Claire


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

The doc said that without a doubt in his mind, this isn't a viable pregnancy. There's a small bit of material in the gestational sac - but no cardiac activity at 8w5d. My headaches are from hormone drops - which I got in Feb and when both kids were born, so that's a pretty good indicator. My pain is because the pregnancy has started to separate and there's blood in the uterus.

He gave me misoprostal and percocet so that if the m/c hasn't started on its own in the next week, I can use them next Thursday (once my class has finished). He didn't seem concerned at all by the wait, told me what to expect, and gave me a rhogam shot.

This doc thought that because we had 2 successful pregnancies, there was really no reason to do repeat loss work - this was a missed miscarriage not another blighted ovum, so it was just really crappy luck. Tim and I had a good cry and came home. I'm taking ibuprofin for now, but will fill the percocets when I need them (even if we don't have to induce the m/c, at least I'll have some pain management).

Getting ready to drink some red raspberry leaf tea and spend the afternoon on the couch.

Lisa, I sincerely hope your news is better.


----------



## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)




----------



## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


----------



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Aw Mama.







I'm so so sorry for the bad news. I hope you are cared for and loved on through the miscarriage process and healing time.


----------



## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

I'm so sorry, mama.


----------



## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry, Monica.


----------



## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm so sorry, mama. I hope you're feeling some sort of relief (not sure if that's the right word) now that part of the waiting is over. That sort of no man's land waiting is unbearable.


----------



## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Really, really, really unfair. I'm so sad for you.


----------



## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm so incredibly sorry, Monica. *hugs* If there's anything we can do, you know where to find us.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thank you guys, so much. I'd go insane if I didn't have this place, I really would.

I'm doing OK. Increasingly crampy. I have the script for cytotec but don't plan on taking it soon. . . although I considered taking it tonight after my class and just going through the m/c over the weekend. I keep hoping my body will do it on its own - and with the cramping I'm having, I know I'm on the way.

I'm just so. . . sad and frustrated. I've wanted another child since the day my son was born. I KNEW we needed another. DH and I went round and round from the time my son was 1 until I fell pregnant (quite surprisingly) in Feb. Within days we were sold - and excited. So we were devasted when I m/c in March. Then we were devoted to getting pregnant again. Despite a major job change, we figured we'd try "just one more month" before we took a break until our income steadied. We got pregnant again and felt that it really would stick this time - I got my + test the day I walked in honor of my stepdad (lost to cancer in 2007) in an American Cancer Society walk where I'd managed to be the 7th ranked fundraiser (of 1500 people!). It just felt so. . . right. . . and perfect. My sister was 16 weeks pregnant with twins (she conceived them the week I m/c the first time) and once again we'd be having kiddos not that far apart in age (my son is 6 weeks older than hers). I was gobsmacked when we went in for my first prenatal and saw that empty sac. Utterly shocked.

And now, we find ourselves telling everyone around us that we'll be holding off TTCing in the future. Whether we will or not, I don't know. . . but I'm tired of this public grief that comes with miscarriage. The first time, we'd told EVERYONE. This time we told fewer people but that still was quite a few. I suspect in the future we'll quietly TTC and, to be honest, let everyone know long after 1st trimester is over.

I hate that, and I think Lisa posted this at one point on the PAL board -- I hate that when I get my next + test, it's not going to be "YAY! A BABY!!!!" It's going to be "Well, I guess we'll know in 10 weeks whether we'll have a baby nor not." Except now, I doubt it'll even be that. I doubt I'll really believe it until I'm actually holding that living breathing baby.

I just feel so . . . broken.


----------



## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Monica, I am so sorry for all you have lost. You are right; PAL is a completely different experience. The fears and concerns about your future pregnancies are really valid and very normal given what you have been through. I can really relate to everything you are saying.

I am not cavalier about our losses but find myself saying things that are really shocking to others. Perfect example: I was out checking the mail yesterday and my end-of-the-street neighbor was walking on the other side of the street. She yelled, "I didn't know you were having a baby!" And I yelled back, "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I am having a baby!" WTH??? How horrible is that? It was the first thing that came to my mind so I said it. Actually, it must be how I honestly feel so I said it. I hate feeling this way. And I hate being this way.

The bad news, as you know, is PAL is different and sad and terrifying and lonely and heart-wrenching. We can't un-ring a bell and we can't un-know what we know. The good news is you need not fear it so much now that you know that we are here. I wish I had known about this forum after my first 2 losses. It has been my salvation and my touchstone.

I am feeling like my post is insensitive since you are in the midst of another heartbreaking loss. I hesitate to submit this post but I want you to know that there is hope for your future. Your heart may be broken but you-the whole you- is not broken. You are capable and deserving. You must grieve and mourn and the road may be long and rocky. But you need not grieve alone. And when you are ready, and you conceive again, we will be here to support and sustain you.

There are no words to lessen your pain and I pray my thoughts are received in the spirit in which they are given. I just want you to hear that you are normal and your feelings are valid and there is hope for you. I wouldn't know you if you rang my doorbell but I wish I could give you a hug and make you some tea and be your friend today. My heart aches for you, Monica. I wish you peace and comfort as you mourn your loss and move forward into the life that is different than what you hoped for. Sending you gentle hugs....

Amy


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thank you Amy. I definitely take it in the spirit in which it has been offered. Definitely.


----------



## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Monica I am so sorry you've unfortunatly had another loss. Every time you thing it's futile though take a look at Lily and Carter, you can conceive, you can carry to full term and you can have healthy children.

I wish none of us had to go through this, it makes you angry when someone has more than one loss. I still don't understand why one bit of bad luck doesn't get us a free pass. Life is not fair, it really isn't.

You will heal and get through this bad time, there is happiness ahead for you. Just get through it all one day at a time and remember things can only get better from here.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thank you Clare.

At the moment, I'm very exhausted and frustrated. I, apparently, have the strongest cervix known to man. After three days of contractions, I haven't even seen so much as a spotting episode. We're taking a nice long walk this morning to see what happens. I thought on Thursday or Friday, we'd be finished by the end of the weekend, but frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if we'll have to use the cytotec - or even if that will work. I honestly cannot believe my body is doing this to me.

The last miscarriage was easy in terms of start/progress/finish and only took 4 days. I've now known there wasn't a living baby inside of me for 10 days and still nothing.


----------



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Monica, I'm so sorry.







I hate that you are having to wait; that was the worst part for me. Your body does know what to do, I just don't know why it takes so long sometimes. And you are NOT broken, none of us here are broken although I know it's hard not to feel that way. I'll be thinking about you today.


----------



## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I was thinking about you today. I'm really sorry that your body is slow to respond.


----------



## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Monica, first







. I'm so sorry.

About the cytotec.... I was given two tablets vagnally well into my labor, but before there was any change in my cervix. Then I pushed them out undissolved (Amelia was very insistant on little intrventions!) I did take one orally, and when think I was way further into labor and I'm sure my cervix was much more dialated. I found the oral dose to be easier to deal with...and I did deliver Amelia soon after. So, maybe the cytotec is the way to go if your body is showing some signs of being ready.

I'm new to all of this but already I'm so jaded too. Being pregnant means little... Holding a live baby is what the new goal is.


----------



## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Monica- My experience with cytotec went really well. I took 4 pills vaginally, and within 6 hours the miscarriage was over. I had very little pain, and didn't even need ibuprofin until after. I know it's a hard chioce, but I wanted you to know that I would do it again if faced with the same decision. (((((hug)))))


----------

