# How long does the "I want Daddy" phase last?



## Calm (Sep 17, 2004)

When DS is upset (2 years 2 months) he only wants Daddy, if he is home. If he is not home, he wants his blanky. I feel unnecessary. The Daddy part only started a month or so ago.

I've started to blame myself. I take naps in the middle of the day after I put DS down, and DH gets DS up from his nap and then has him for an hour and a half. It seems in that time, I become totally replaceable (if I was ever needed to begin with) because DS only wants daddy. He sits on DH's lap to watch Simpsons (my DD gets to watch this most nights for half an hour).

I'm more upset than I'd like to be about this and I think it is due to my AP goals so shot to sh*t on so many levels, this seems like the cherry on the cake.

I didn't want to introduce a blanky, but he is very "sucky" and I had a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep when he was five or so months old. He eventually started sucking his thumb, but he still got very attached to the blanky. He is also very demanding, even though he was slung 24/7 (I have threads here from a couple of years ago)... overall, it has been difficult and I took the blanky short cut. This got me my nights to sleep (still cosleeping), so I should be thankful but now he wants blanky through the day. I tried over six months ago to get rid of blanky by offering more breastfeeds but he won't have it. In fact, he will only feed in the dark, for his three feeds a day (wake, pre-nap and pre bed), and I won't just take it away unless I could supplant myself instead but I'm not sure how.

The one thing I really wanted was a strong attachment and something has gone wrong and I feel it is my fault, I took short cuts, I nap, I gave a blanky. DH says I'm too hard on myself, but the way I see it, he only has these first few years ONCE, I can DO this for that amount of time... I'm just not sure how. He seems upset so often...

I also don't resonate with the idea to enjoy this while it's happening. It just doesn't feel right.

Any ideas? is this daddy thing a phase?


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## EzzysMom (Mar 24, 2008)

I gotta say I'm there with you now. Although no blankie for us. She does want daddy though whenever he is available, until it is nursing/sleeping time. I also feel bad as I'm pregnant and really sensitive to this right now and feeling bad that my milk is gone. I think it's a stage, and I'm trying to take advantage of her only wanting Daddy while I'm feeling less than perfect. I know kids definitely switch between parental preferences and it was Mommy mommy mommy for the whole first year only, and then she'd accept Daddy after 1, and now at 2 it's all Daddy. So I'm in the same boat.


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## JessieBird (Nov 21, 2008)

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry, just wanted to say that I am going through the same thing with my 18 mo DS and I feel your pain. My DS used to only have eyes for me but then I was hospitalized for a while in March, in isolation so he couldn't visit at all. When I got home, I was thrilled to see the deep bond that had developed between DS and DH. It was so hard to be away but I saw this as a suprise benefit. Since then, we've had some rough times. DS has been either sick, teething molars, or just plain old toddler contrary/cranky almost constantly for the last ten weeks. And ever since March, he wants nothing to do with me unless he's happy and then anyone will do so it's not that I'm special.

I'm trying to see it in a positive light - I should take a break from DS sometimes anyway, and I should understand that he needs a break from me too every once in a while.

We also have binky issues (by blanky do you mean binky as in pacifier, or a blanket?). DS wants his suce ALL.THE.TIME now and DH has no problem with this. I on the other hand, want to hear DS singing and chatting, which he doesn't do at all with a suce in his mouth, and he eats a lot better if there's no suce in sight. And I just plain hate them. I suspect that DS sometimes wants to go to DH just so that he can have all the suces he wants (one in his mouth and one in each hand is heaven for him). I am trying to let this hang up go and just let him have his binkies (as many many moms here on MDC have told me to!) but it is so hard. I want to be able to make him feel better without a plastic prop and without always relying on Dada.

I too believe strongly in AP and am unsettled by how it's all unraveled in the last few months. DS also left the family bed in favour of his crib down the hall(entirely his choice, he runs to it and asks to get in at 6 pm sharp). On top of it all, he weaned over the last three weeks so this separation from me feels extreme and it's all happened at once.

Sorry this is no help at all, just know that you're not alone. I hope that other mamas will jump in with some reassuring words for you.


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## mommy2maya (Jun 7, 2003)

I don't see the problem. Your child sounds happy, well adjusted. It is not a personal affront to you that he is happy to want to play with daddy or have a comfort item. Similarly, I don't think his nursing habits are unusual- three times a day at past two is great!

I truly believe AP is more about meeting the needs of your child instead of being actually, physically attached 24/7. It is about making your child comfortable and secure in their selves so that they are able to be happily independent and self soothing.


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## lizzylou (Jul 11, 2006)

I don't think that being AP means that your child will always prefer you. At this age attachment might start to look different than it did when the child was a baby. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. I don't see any problems in doing the things that you did - you did what you needed to meet your child's needs and your own needs too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you napping or with letting daddy and toddler have one-on-one time. On the contrary I think that these are good things.


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## lnitti (Jun 14, 2004)

I'll let you know when it ends - dd is 6 and still loves her daddy when he is around.

I think it is because she spends most of her time with me, that when he is around, she wants him. dd2 is the same way.


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## Calm (Sep 17, 2004)

Thank you everyone.


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

DS has preferred his Daddy over anyone else since he was 5 months old.

He just turned 2 last Friday. Still prefers Dad.

You're doing good, mama.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I got a Daddy's girl, she wants daddy most of the time.....she's almost 4.

Also have a mama's boy who is a total clingon, so go figure.

To the PP a bit up-I WISH DD would go to her own bed willingly. She's such a daddy's girl she barely will sleep w/out him, it's driving us insane.


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## Therese's Mommy (Jan 15, 2005)

My almost 3 year old is a "Daddy's girl". I actually appreciate it. I would find it difficult to be everyone's favorite. My oldest dd very much prefers me and if all of my children demanded that much of me it would be hard. Of course, she loves me, but when she is upset she likes Daddy if he is available. We are an AP family. We still co sleep with all of our children, we babywear, no pacis or bottles, etc. Sometimes, because of personalities a child prefers one parent over the other in certain situations.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

i think there is absolutely nothing you did wrong or right here. it's just how things worked out. my DS1 LOVES daddy and has preferred him from day 1. daddy could always calm DS1 down much easier than i could (literally-both our kids screamed for months on end for hours at a time-8-9 months of our lives were spent walking around the house with uncontrollably screaming babies.) i thought he was more nurturing than i was/am but it never bothered me. i LOVED having freedom. i saw other friends' kids clinging to them and thought, hey, if my kid can go to me or daddy (but mostly daddy), i'm happy with that. now that i've had DS2 and he clings to me and barely needs daddy, i try to get daddy to do more with him so he can strengthen his bond with daddy. wanting daddy as much as mommy (or more) should not be a "thing" or a "phase"; it should be completely celebrated. AND you can rest happy or go out with friends or read a book on the deck, knowing he's with daddy *completely happy*. some mamas don't have that luxury. they're on 24/7 duty. i can't wait til my DS2 is more about both of us and not so much about me. he's such a mamacentric little man! btw, both my boys had a mama who napped, were offered blankies and such (DS2 thinks i'm his blankie), were put in both strollers and carriers, etc etc. it's just a personality thing. embrace and enjoy!


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