# If you want more children... when do you try? (long)



## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm kicking myself before I even write this, knowing what a stupid question/post/subject this is... but I just want input from others who have suffered childloss and might be feeling the same way.
I've had four miscarraiges, and after each it wasn't like this... there was no question about continuing to try or not - we just did. Losing a child already born just seems to add some extra emotions to the mix you didn't expect.

When we decided to have a second baby I was expecting years of trying like I'd gone through to conceive my daughter, but we got pregnant on the first month and it stuck. I was taken by surprise and actually got scared when I saw the positive HPT because it was just SO FAST!

We were so ready for this: emotionally and everything. I feel like everything in our house was just poised and waiting for this burst of new energy and then it never came.
At first I was terrified of becoming pregnant again, but now I find myself thinking about it all the time. I'm still in that "Trying" mindset, because we are still ready... is this just empty arms?
I feel wrong by thinking about it. I *have* two children, there's just only one with me. I still want my two babies, even though I've had two babies, and I don't want to disrespect his memory and for the first time in my adult life I'm terrified of what other people would think if I became pregnant within a year of his death. I know they'd all be happy, but would they all think it was a replacement? "Another" baby? OR that we started trying BECAUSE we wanted a replacement?

I was talking a lot with DH about it. I have ten billion allergies so birth control is almost impossible to figure out. I was discussing with him non-latex diaphrams without spermicide and how they reportedly have a failure rate of something like 14%, which seems like a lot. I thought, "if we got pregnant by accident that'd be just fine!" - but then why use it at all?
But if we got pregnant using nothing I'd feel terribly guilty. DH said that's because if it was 'failed' birth control I'd feel like we weren't "trying" and therefore would be free of the guilt I'd put on myself... I think he's right. The whole equation seems wrong, but I can't come to terms with "trying", or even the not-not trying of 'letting nature take it's course.

I guess I'm looking for clarity. Is this really still wanting a second (third) child, or is this just empty arms and something false?... is there a way to know? Is there a wrong reason? I feel like I want a baby just as much as I did before, that initial feeling from before we even conceived him isn't satiated... and that feels terrible.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

littleteapot,
i don't know. (!)
we wanted to get pregnant again right away. i addressed the psycological issue of 'replacement' as soon as i realized that people may think we were trying to replace our daughter- obviously that is not healthy, so i needed to thoroughly explore my feelings to make sure that wasn't what was going on. i was really blown away at the intense desire i felt to be pregnant again, and i was very relieved to find that it is a common feeling after losing a baby, especially full term. what i ended up understanding about this desire, at least for me, was that because coral's birth and death were intertwined and completely traumatic, my pregnancy with her had no real 'end'- there was no natural closure, no graceful end that led to the beginning of a new stage in our relationship outside of the womb. i think my mind 'needed' me to continue being pregnant, and getting pregnant with another child was the easiest way to appease this mental issue. that intense desire calmed down after four or five months- it was still very present, but not so burning and nudging. because i was so sure of my own feelings that we were not trying to replace coral, i never gave what others might think about a new pregnancy a second thought. i am anxious about being especially observed in a new pregnancy- it seems that everyone wants us to have a baby to make what happened 'better'. ha! that is so wrong, but i suspect that is the case.

i also know women who have lost a child who want to wait before conceiving again, they have a need to really focus on the grieving of their lost baby before considering a new sibling, and i can relate to that, although i felt that i could do it simultaneously. it turns out that it is really hard on me emotionally, but very important to me nonetheless to add to our family. because that is what we have decided to do- having our second child makes our family of three, myself, my partner, and coral, grow.

it really is a heavy idea to wrestle with. i think you will 'know' when the time is right for you and your husband to conceive again. sorry this was so long. love, coralsmom


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Thank you, for all of that.
It's hard to read, because I fear it's true. It's scary to think this want is for the "wrong" reason. Everything about having a child *now* was just so perfect and I don't want to be one of those people who waits 6 years before they try again... we really wanted our children close in age, and DD is 2.5. This was so much harder for us in ways we couldn't anticipate.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I want a baby so bad and i want to wait as well. I am kind of torn. I know that it would not be right for me to TTC right away. I lost my son a week after he was born in October 8th. We have decided that we wont consider it til April and then we will see. What I am thinking now is that by June I will be ready to start trying again. I want a baby sooooooo bad but I would also be afraid of my body not being ready yet and I need more time to heal a little more for sure. I know that I dont want to replace Grant - I have peace about that. I want a baby because I want to give that new baby my love but at the same time I know that Grant is totally a separate, independent member of our family and will always be. Ughhh it is so hard. BTW I would recommend Pregnancy After a Loss. I really am liking that book it really talks about all these issues and helps you work through them.

I am so sorry we have to even go through this







I am going to just do what feels right to me and I wont really care what anybody else thinks. That is for sure. When I am pregnant again I will ask my best friends for the help I will need just like they want to help now that I am grieving they can help when I need them even more. I think I will be out of my mind with worry - well I guess it will be a big opportunity to learn to turst in God, at least for me.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Littleteapot,
You asked the question that rattles around in my brain late at night when I am trying to sleep. I think about it all the time too. Our doctor said we should wait 6 months so I have April in my mind -- I just need to wait until April. Then on the other side of things I am afraid to get pregnant again so soon -- I worry about having problems, especially since I had a c-section, I worry about not mourning Carrie long enough -- I know another child will not replace her but I don't want anyone else to think it will either. I have this fear people will think "oh, she's fine now --she's having a new baby." I know my close friends and family are not like this but some people are. Since our girls are getting older I don't want a huge age difference as the youngest will probably be at least 6 and my oldest will be at least 11. It is so hard. Part of me hopes it will just "happen" like it did last time but I can't imagine it will right now - I am too focused on it. I can relate to your feeling that you want it to happen without "trying" -- I said the same thing to dh -- I don't want to "try" -- I just want to get pg. I guess time will help...it seems so hard sometimes.







to you.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Dziejen - That's exactly it, all of it.

Our doctor said we should wait 6 months so I have April in my mind -- I just need to wait until April.
- Mine said whenever I want to is fine... which I think made these thoughts stick harder once I got over the initial, "I never want to have a baby again" phase.

Then on the other side of things I am afraid to get pregnant again so soon -- I worry about having problems, especially since I had a c-section, I worry about not mourning Carrie long enough -- I know another child will not replace her but I don't want anyone else to think it will either. I have this fear people will think "oh, she's fine now --she's having a new baby." I know my close friends and family are not like this but some people are.
- this is exactly it. I never cared what people thought before, about anything, but now I'm so concerned about that. I DON'T want people to think it's fine, it's over, because I'll never stop mourning and I feel like I need people to respect that. It's not "all better" because I get pregnant again... and what if someone thinks we got pregnant just to make it "all better" or make it easier? That wouldn't be the case at all. Like you said, we want children closer in age, and we always wanted three. Now I still have just one. Not that she isn't "Enough" but... it's so complicated.

I also just want to get pregnant, we didn't officially try to conceive Jericho, we just decided to "let nature take it's course" so we didn't have to try so hard like we did with our daughter.

Thank you for your understanding.


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

I actually logged on today to write something about this. I know it is too soon right now, but it is hard to stop thinking about the possibility. I was actually wanting to get others' opinions of what is 'too soon' . It is like if I focus on a date to think about trying again then I have something to live for...
But I don't know about the right reasons...
I'm afraid I might be thinking about it because of the 'empty arms' syndrome, that I feel cheated that I don't have my baby to hold.
I'm also afraid that if we don't give things enough time that my new child's life would be defined by the loss of their sibling... I want them to be able to be an individual on their own.
But my older son is already 8 1/2. I was concerned about that age gap and waiting would just make it bigger. I want my kids to know each other.
I don't know if my son could handle me being pregnant again, he is so affected by losing his baby brother. He loved being a big brother and 'helping' with the baby.
It is amazing how quick other people start talking about how we are still young and could have another
My partner brought it up before I did... but he said it in such a way that I think I might be held hostage my entire pregnancy... I get the feeling he would be scared/nervous of something going wrong.
His mother was so sweet the other day though... telling me that we had so much love to give and a baby was a great way to express that... not to hurry and get pregnant again... but not to cut ourselves off from that idea either... to be open to the possibility and not let fear rule our life.
God I miss my son!


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## Saramomofmany (Sep 3, 2003)

littleteapot, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies to miscarriage. I lost my first one in May 2002, and we did not use birth control after, we just left it in God's hands. We didn't get pregnant again until June 2003, one year later. Then I miscarried that baby. Again, we just kept it in God's hands. In July 2003, one month after the second miscarriage, we got pregnant with our Daniel who is now 20 months old. I know after our first miscarriage, the doctor recommended waiting a few months, but we didn't listen to her. I did read something around the time I was pregnant with Daniel something about babies conceived very shortly after a miscarriage tend to go full term because the hormones and such are just right...sounds kind of weird, but that is what I've read. I think it was a book on preventing miscarriage, and the doctor was saying so many doctors recommend waiting, and it's actually better odds shortly after a miscarriage...take it for what it's worth!! Sara


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Dylan27, and anyone else who has wondered...
I had a few amazing comments from some real friends regarding my feelings on this issue, and I want to share them. While they were in response to me and my feelings, I think they apply to anyone reading:

Quote:

Having another child or ten will never take away from how much you love and miss Jericho. You are not replacing him with another child; it seems to me like the ultimate way of honoring the birth of any child. You saw what a wonderful little girl Tempest is and you wanted another child. You saw what a beautiful blessing Jericho was and what an honor it was to have him in the physical world for even a moment. You see the joy and beauty you can create and to want to continue that is more than okay.
And...

Quote:

You don't want a second child... you want a third child. Your second baby died, and the loss of Jericho was more tragic than I can adequately describe in words. You will never stop loving him and missing him; he will always be your precious baby boy. But there is a third soul out there whom I honestly believe is meant to be your child. Loving your third child (or fourth, or fifth) will never negate the love you have for Jericho.

The guilt you are feeling is completely understandable and very natural, but I will pray that you don't allow that guilt to keep you from making decisions that are the best for you and your family and future. I believe that if Jericho could talk to you right now, he'd have this to say: You are a born mother--Mother of Tempest, Mother of Jericho. How lucky for Tempest and Jericho to have been born to one of the most loving, compassionate, intensely caring mothers in the world. Although the tragedy of Jericho's death runs deep and will never stop hurting, the tragedy would be compounded if you did not pass on your special gift of motherhood to another child, a sole who is searching for your warmth.
I also found out I have many friends who had older siblings their mothers lost at birth, or shortly after... some were born within the same year of the other sibling's death, and others years later - none felt like a replacement, or that their life was defined by the death of their sibling.
It all made me realize that if my son had lived, we would have still wanted a third child and started trying.

These words helped alleviate some of the guilt I have regarding this issue... I hope that passes on to some of you, too.


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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

We never tried to prevent conception after a miscarriage. I miscarried 3 months before becoming pregnant with Nate, 6 months before becoming pregnant with Anna and 8 months before becoming pregnant this time.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

This wasn't a miscarriage, though. We never tried to prevent conception after miscarriage either... I guess this is just a lot different for us.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Well I feel a lot like you except I can care less what other people think.
If anybody would have the balls to tell me that I was trying to replace my beloved son I would send them you know where. Who are they to tell me how to feel or what to do when they have not gone through what I have?
All I care is how my DH and I feel and what is best for OUR family and that only includes DH, my son and me. As for everybody else I CAN CARE LESS!
I respect my friend's opinions that is for sure, the ones I know that care and remind me how much they miss Grant. My extended family has been less than helpful, if anything adding to my grief so for them I can care less what they think. The people I really respect and ask opinions are my friends that I have found who have also lost children. They know what is like and have valuable input. I am lucky to have two friends from my church that are here for me along with people in this board and my friends from the support group that DH and I are attending.

I say do what you feel in your heart is best! Dont worry about what others might think!

And yes I dont want a second child. I have a second child lin heaven... I want a third and a fourth and maybe more if God blesses us with them!
He will never be replaced. Due to my faith It really helps me to remember that he is alive and I will be with him one day and it will be a real thing even though I cannot comprehend it now.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleteapot*
I also found out I have many friends who had older siblings their mothers lost at birth, or shortly after... some were born within the same year of the other sibling's death, and others years later - none felt like a replacement, or that their life was defined by the death of their sibling.
These words helped alleviate some of the guilt I have regarding this issue... I hope that passes on to some of you, too.

Littleteapot,
Sounds like you have great, compassionate, and understanding friends too. Their words are so helpful. My dh and his cousin were both born after a first child was stillborn. This is one of the reasons that I believe that there is another baby out there waiting for us someday. I only wish that my MIL or dh's cousin's mom (her sister) were alive today so that I could talk with them but unfortunately both women died way before their time...I feel like their knowledge and understanding would be so valuable to me and I only wish I had talked to my MIL more about her first baby before she died 2 yrs ago. Life is so strange sometimes.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barcino*
My extended family has been less than helpful, if anything adding to my grief so for them I can care less what they think. The people I really respect and ask opinions are my friends that I have found who have also lost children.

Barcino,
Unfortunately I have found members of my extended family to be less than helpful as well. I was just talking to dh last night about how some family members really let me down. My grandmother didn't talk to me for almost 2 weeks after Carrie died and some family members (my dad's brother and his wife, for example) never acknowledged the loss of our baby at all. I am blessed to have so many good friends and a caring dh -- and all you gals here at MDC -- it really helps me to get through it all.







:


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Deleted


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## Saramomofmany (Sep 3, 2003)

littleteapot, I want to apologize for my post above. I had read what you wrote about miscarriages, and assumed that was what you were talking about. I went back to your previous postings and saw your story about your precious son....my heart breaks for you.







Again, please accept my apology for responding to something you weren't even talking about. I have never lost a child except for miscarriage, and can't even imagine that heart break. I am glad you were able to have an unassisted pregnancy and have that precious time with your son...I also had an unassisted pregnancy/birth and I know how precious those months were...take care. Sara


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## Boxerlove1 (Oct 11, 2005)

I've been dying to reply to this....

I think initially, when my son died, all I could think about was being pregnant again... I wanted to feel him moving again, I wanted my belly back, i wanted to feel those feelings, those hopes and dreams, and know they were still alive. But the more I thought of it, the more I realized it wasn't another baby I was fantasizing about. It was him. I wanted him back.

Now that 2 months have gone by, the desire is still strong, but fear is also present. Because I had a "classic" c-section, it will not be possible to have a VBAC ever, which is ok by me... as long as I get my baby, I don't care how it gets here.

When I asked my Doctor how long I should wait to TTC, he gave me a very thorough reply. There is a clear recommendation to wait a year after a c-section. There is a tendency for the placenta to adhere to the c-section scar, which can cause previa, thus the recommendation for 1 year to give maximum healing time. But, he added, this is just a possibility.. it is rare, but it does happen, and thus you should be informed. He said that his wife had 3 back to back,., all sections, no problems. Ultimately, you need to do what feels right for you, he said. Knowing of the additional complications that I will face if I TTC too soon is scaring me. I do want a baby, badly.. but I'm facing a difficult pregnancy anyways, with a probably cerclage and subsequent bedrest.. add preia to that, I may lose my mind. Some days, all I can think about is having a baby. I think to myself "to hell with it, let's just do it, and I'll deal with it as it comes," but then in the next moment I'm scared to death of losing another baby. Obviously, I am NOT ready yet... the loss is still too fresh, and I am not well enough emotionally to do thius again. I owe it to myself, and my future baby, to be emotionally strong and ready for him or her. As much as it pains me to wait, I feel its the right thing to do. There is too much at risk for me personally to hurry and possibly have something go wrong. I want things to be as normal as they can be next time..

There are a few gals at work who are pregnant, and every time I see them, I feel like a knife is twisting in my heart. I can't even look at them or talk to them. I want to be in their shoes... I want my baby back. I really don't know if I'll be truly happy until I have a baby in my arms and in my home. But I want babys journey to be a happy one, and thus, I think I have to wait..

Its not wrong or abnormal to feel this way.. But it took me a while to analyze my feelings. I didnt even get AF for 2 months, so I think making any major decsiions while my hormones were still wacky was just irresponsible and out of the question. This is not a time in our lives where we need to be making any big time , life-altering decisions. Just something to think about


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

littleteapot,
i found this quote in a book on grieving, and i thought it related to your original post, it really resonated with me.

"Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish." -Sigmund Freud

while it doesn't speak exactly to losing one's baby, i think it underlines the idea that our losses will never be 'made better' or replaced, even with the addition of a new baby after the loss, or even the idea of having another child...


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