# Transitioning to Dad doing bedtime--tips/ideas?



## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

I'm 32 weeks pregnant, and since we're approaching the end of the road we decided that it would be a good idea for my partner to start taking over helping our 26mo son get to sleep at night. Until now, I have always pretty much nursed him to sleep. Sometimes it could take up to two hours, but never involved any crying or anything. Everything else about our bedtime routine remains the same... I still take a bath with him and we get him in his PJs together. He still does tooth brushing and book reading and all that exactly the same.

But bedtime with his father is usually a drawn-out affair with lots of crying and screaming and begging for mama. We're kind of at our wits' end here and are looking for ideas. I don't want to abandon our plan to have my partner doing bedtime because when the new baby gets here, I won't be able to lie in bed for two hours with the toddler waiting for him to fall asleep, you know? I will have to be nursing and caring for the little fellow. And while it's tempting to go upstairs and rescue the both of them (it's so heartbreaking to hear him crying for me!), I think that would be a pretty big mistake.

(I feel like I should add that in the past I have been gone for a few bedtimes and usually they go smoother when I'm not in the house. I don't think leaving the house will always be an option for me these days, though, since it's after 9p and I'm anemic and tired.)

So I guess my question has two possible angles:

Those of you who have toddlers and a non-nursing partner doing bedtime, what does your routine look like? What works for your family?
If you have more than one child, how do you do the bedtime routine every night?
A side note is that my husband travels a lot for work (although hopefully he won't for a while before/after the baby is born), so I will have to figure out how to do this on my own a fair bit. Which terrifies me! But hey, one thing at a time, right? RIGHT?!


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## DaddyM (Dec 15, 2008)

I travel a bunch and my wife still nurses. We haven't been able to succesfully do a different routine the few days a week that I'm home. We've tried repeatedly to follow the same routine and she is great until its time to sleep. Once she starts to drift to sleep she wants her mom and screams at me. She use to have no problem going to sleep on my shoulder, in most cases faster then my wife was able to do it.

If we are out at the mall, she'll still fall asleep for me.

That being said, every kid is different. Routine helps a ton, when I'm home I feel like I throw off the balance of things and make it harder. Makes it tough on both of us but we understand there isn't much I can do, as much as I want to help. So I try to get other things done for her while she puts the baby to bed.


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## greenbeanmama (Jul 14, 2007)

My son would also take a looong time to get to sleep - usually an hour and a half to two hours. And then would wake up at least three or four times before I went to bed.

And Daddy can't put him to bed. It has to be me. We're just now getting to the point where Daddy can sometimes brush his teeth before bed. If he talks silly. And pretends to be a dinosaur. With very short arms. Strange, I know, but we'll take what we can get!

We did a slow transition to help get my son to sleep without me. And, honestly, we're not there yet. I started going from nursing him to sleep, to nursing, and then lying on the bed next to him until he was asleep. Then to sitting on the floor reading or crocheting until he was asleep. Finally, we got to me being in the other bedroom upstairs until he was asleep. And that's where we are now. I've learned that he is terrified - literally terrified - of being alone upstairs. I don't know why. So, now, we are to the point where we do the bedtime routine for both him and the baby (now seven months), go upstairs, get him settled, and then I nurse the baby to sleep in our room while he goes to sleep in his room. Sometimes I'm still "stranded" upstairs because he'll take an hour and a half to get to sleep.

And this has only been for the last month or so. Before, it was still me and the baby in one room while he went to sleep in the other - I just got to spend one-on-one time with little sister, or read or use the laptop. My hope is that he'll start viewing the baby as enough of a person (that sounds weird - sorry!) to be okay with just her upstairs in the other room. We're not there yet for nighttime, but we're close for naps. With my son, gradual changes work best, and it helps to explain things to prepare him for transitions.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

My DH started doing bedtime when DS was shy of 2 yo, and it was rocky at first, but it's awesome now that it works.

I admit, however, that my DH managed this trick by the powers of Batman. DS has pre-bedtime snuggles and snacks on the couch with Daddy, and they watch an episode of Batman together on DVD. (Actually, they've run out of Batman and progressed to Justice League. We do prescreen eps for appropriateness - I certainly cannot recommend the whole series for small children.) I have mentally run through all of the possible objections to this, and decided to let it slide because DS is sleeping great and they're cute when they're bonding over superheroes.

Anyway - I wonder if keeping everything THE SAME is part of the problem. If bedtime with daddy has some intriguing novelty in it, some game or story or silly fun thing that he only gets when daddy puts him to bed, maybe it would go better? It might also help break the association between bedtime and nursing, and that association may be causing some issues right now.


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## love being a Mom (Jan 8, 2010)

Ooh - I feel your pain







We had a very similar scenario when I was pg with DD#2 I was so hopeful that we could get DD#1 to go to sleep with Dad. It never worked while I was in the house - like you it was fine if I *wasn't* around, but there would be no substitutions while I was home. What DID work was what I hit on after I was getting desperate running btw both girls getting them to bed (the everyone's happy but Momma routine...). Here is what worked for us - I put in a lot of detail because I can't seem to type small responses









One morning I sat down and snuggled with DD#1 (Liv) on the couch and we talked about how when she is _soooo sleepy_ at night, and Mommy tries to get out of bed, she wakes up crying all.the.time. Liv is so sad, because she would like to nurse all night, and Mommy is sad because she has two girls who need her, and she _really wishes_ she could nurse them both as long as they would like, but she can not. So together (with a bit of leading by myself...) Momma and Liv came up with changing our bedtime routine so that we now nurse on the couch - with most of all the lights off for ~5 minutes (can be as long as you like really), we talk softly about our day, and what stories we are going to read next. Then when I feel she's ready, I say "1 more minute of nursing with Mommy and then is it time for stories?!" After a minute I say OK, it's story time, and she pops off (on her own!), and I either carry, or she walks to bed (I will add that I expected to carry her - but she is so excited about the story at this point that she's usually scampering off to bed).

We read two stories (I made the mistake of doing just one more once - and then ended up with major drama because we weren't doing 50 more). Then I either lay down beside DD#1 for a snuggle, or sit and 'stitch' (knit) at the end of Liv's bed (her request) and sing Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird -twice. Then I hum until she's asleep. The entire process takes ~25-30 minutes down from *hours*. I realize this doesn't have Dad's doing anything - BUT now there is the odd night that DD does not fall asleep quickly - or nights where we have not had a great day and my patience is wearing thin







OR DD#2 needs me. Then I offer that "mama will stay for 1/2/5 minutes, if you are still having problems falling asleep then you can either lay here quietly by yourself, or have Daddy come and lay with you, Mommy will come back after I finish what I need to do (nurse the baby, go for a walk etc)" She will usually choose Daddy, - sometimes isn't thrilled with it, but often by the time I go back she is asleep, and lately I have had a night where she asked for Daddy.

I think the key is creating a routine that Dad could jump into if need be as a start. Also for us the key was not nursing in bed anymore. I was worried that I was going to traumatize her, but she literally screamed 6/7 nights when I would try to detach myself from her (in her bed). Not pleasant. Likewise in the mornings she crawls into bed with us, and then asks to nurse over and over and over which leads to screaming hysterics waking everyone in the house in a completely unpleasant way







, now we wait until 7 am or until Sesame street is on (







I know I know...). I was stunned with how quickly she picked up the new routine, the biggest blip we now have in our new routine is brushing her teeth (!?). Tomorrow we are going to make a big cardboard poster board with pictures so she can see what comes next in our routine, I'm hoping that will help calm the tooth brushing freakouts!

My eventual goal is to be able to have DH do some of the nighttime fun when I am home, because, well, why not?! It is a sweet time of day (at least when there is no screaming involved!), and Dad can enjoy some of that too! I hope some of this helps you, Liv is now almost 28mos, and DD#2 is 6mos, and I applaud you for trying to work it out before your new one comes - it was certainly challenging when I was spending my entire evening putting children to bed! We did the trying to have Dad do it, but like you as long as I was in the house, it was constant screaming and hysteria, I felt like everything we were doing was just wrong, and made all of us so sad







This might not work for everyone, or even anyone else, but I thought it might help you to think about completely shaking things up to see if that helps with DH's involvement. Good Luck and let us know what is successful for you!

Oh - and DD#2 goes down ~1-1.5 hours before DD#1 - I think that's the only way it could work for us because on nights where DH isn't home until later, DD#2 wouldn't stay quiet/content staring at the ceiling while I am taking my sweet time with DD#1 - whereas DD#1 will lay beside me, or sing quietly to herself while I put DD#2 down.


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## love being a Mom (Jan 8, 2010)

I just had to add that of course Liv will still sometimes ask to nurse again (like tonight actually), but like tonight I could see that she was testing out the waters, so I handed her a stuffie and said "you want to nurse from your bear?! Sure, because Momma's got her shirt all the way on until tomorrow" It's not always that easy to side step her, and sometimes she is sad, and we will sit up and cuddle and talk about how it is night time/recap the day again, ask if she wants another song, but I have learned from much experience with MY child, that she has a memory like a steel trap, and will happily remind me that we DO nurse in bed, we did yesterday/last week/month year... and *I* like how much less drama there is in our nighttimes now, and I think she does as well.


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