# son gone over a week



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

So my 14 year old ds made a new friend ... who apparently has a cute sister ... anyway he has been at their house for over a week now. I want him to come home .. and every day he says he is going to and the asks to stay one more night. He is unschooled and has no real "commitments" to speak of that he needs to be home for. But I miss him and want him to come home. Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

What does the other family think about him being over there every night? They may want him to not be there, but keep hoping you'll say that he can't come back so they don't have to look like they are kicking him out. I'd explain to him that he needs to come home, since his home is with you and that family needs their space back.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Have you spoken to his friend's mother? Maybe you should tell her that you want your son to come home.

**Just as I was hitting the send button, I found that fek&fuzz better articulated my thoughts!


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## celia (Apr 22, 2005)

I'm confused. You said he's 14. He's underage.... I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right? If you really want him home-- the parents need to send him home, he's a minor. It's still you're call. I know the main thing here is respecting your child's individuality etc. but- really. A fourteen year old? You could call the police.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

"Ds, it's time for you to come home. I know you're having a good time, but you're in danger of outstaying your welcome. A good guest knows when it's time to leave. And it's time. And you know, buddy, I miss you too. So, it's time to come home. And we'll make sure that you get back to see your friend very soon. I'll be by at 5 pm to pick you up."


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *celia* 
I'm confused. You said he's 14. He's underage.... I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right? If you really want him home-- the parents need to send him home, he's a minor. It's still you're call. I know the main thing here is respecting your child's individuality etc. but- really. A fourteen year old? You could call the police.

Read up on unschooling. no you do not 'legally' need to put your child into a uniformed school in alot of states.

I first read about unschooling on these boards, it's not for me but it was very eye opening to see how some people do it.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Everyone needs to speak their truth. If you want him to come home say so. If the friends don't want him over there anymore they need to tell him it's time to go home. It's not other peoples jobs to speak for you. General you there, not you specifically.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Yes, I have spoken to the mother ...(just about every day) She is very happy to have him there, I think his presence is somehow helpful in their house right now. And he would come home if I told him to, its just every evening he asks to stay over again and I can not find a good reason to say no. He is a very mature and independent 14 year old, and I respect his decisions and his wishes. I didn't think I was going to have to defend unschooling on this board... I wont, somebody else can if they wish .. anyway, I guess I was just looking for somebody to give me a good reason to bring him home ... (the best one I have read is that he is in danger of wearing out his welcome. ) or at least just have somebody to whine to


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## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *celia* 
I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right?

Many of us take a very different view on what constitutes valuable learning - for us, learning is accomplished by living and doing, not by participating in an artificial system. Different states have different requirements about showing "proof" of progress.

I think I would go with the wear-out-the-welcome thing, and alternatively I would be concerned that this family may be over-involving your son in their family dynamic. I have an unschooled almost 12 year old, so I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to say "come home because I said so," but I think you do have a compelling reason - his family misses him!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I can relate, I don't say no to things "just because". DD in the past went through a stage of wanting to be over at her friends all the time. And they only lived across the street and the parent was like a surrogate grandmother to her.

She never stayed for a week though







their kids go to school where as she is HS'd so she wasn't going to hang out all day while the kids were gone.

I do think missing him is a legit reason to ask him to come home though


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

I'm a firm believer in respecting a child's wishes and fostering their independence, but I've never interpreted that to mean that the child never has to do something they don't want to do (to me, that's the definition of "spoiled rotten"). A child NEEDS rules, structure, and limits.

YOU are the Mom. There is nothing wring with telling your son "It's time for you to come home now because I feel that you've been gone long enough".

"I miss you" IS reason enough, if you feel like you HAVE to give him some sort of explanation.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

IMO I miss you is a valid reason. You've been gone "long enough" isn't. What is "long enough" ? Long enough that I missed you, um ok. But there has to be something behind the "enough" yk? Enough must be defined IMO to really be understood and legit with a kid. And I prefer to give a real reason when I request something.

just rambling...........


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## kissum (Apr 15, 2006)

What about he needs to come home and do his laundry? Isn't he getting kind of stinky over there?








I think I miss you is a valid enough reason, as is he may be wearing out his welcome.


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## [email protected] (May 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
"Ds, it's time for you to come home. I know you're having a good time, but you're in danger of outstaying your welcome. A good guest knows when it's time to leave. And it's time. And you know, buddy, I miss you too. So, it's time to come home. And we'll make sure that you get back to see your friend very soon. I'll be by at 5 pm to pick you up."

Personally i think Lynn said it well,, "its time to come home son, ill be there at 5pm".. give him no choice, you dont need a reason , give him some chores to do at home , make him feel needed, let his freind come to your home. good luck..


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

LOl I was thinking how rank his socks & underwear must be by now. Although maybe there is another similar sized boy there, or maybe he did a load of laundry there.


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Cherie2 my dd 14( 15 tomorrow)is very sociable, she's always out and about, staying at her mates, going to gigs,her friends are soo important to her. She was staying at an older girls house last year for nearly a week at a time , phoning me to ask to stay another night and I was feeling bad about it cos this is like another single mom with 2 girls but they were out most the time. I get quite a few nasty comments/looks from certain other moms cos my dd is allowed to go out at the age she is so I was interested that your ds is also 'allowed'. I maintain contact with wherever she stays and we have a fairly good relationship about trusting and talking. My dd attends school but if she wants days off and it's not exam time or whatever I'm fine with that and cover for her cos they don't have a policy in school where you can just say yeah my kids having a day off I have to lie and say she's not well! I have also homeschooled over the years and don't feel like the state owns my children. I would go with the you will outstay your welcome or I miss you or I'll see you at 5pm for pickup or all three, sounds like they are just enjoying the time spent together, most people that I know as friends, people I've known a long time, their kids are all unschooled and are older now and all travel round staying at each others houses and getting out and about. Not stuck in school all day.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Cherie, it's now two days later. Has your son come home yet?


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

ummmm....how bout, I am your mom, and I would like you to come home...now.








:

Why does a 14 year old need to be at a friends house for a week? Just because he wants to insn't justification enough. Is he learning something over there? Can you unschool while hanging out at a friends house? Doesn't make much sense. You're his mom, tell him to come home.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

Cherie, I think I might be in a situation more like yours than some of these other mamas. I've seen a very strong sense of trust and responsibility and respect develop in my kids because I don't "lower the boom" on them for no reason other than I want to.

But I can also understand your wanting to see your son!

If I was in your position, I'd invite the friends to come over to my house for a while... just let them know you're feeling lonely and left-out, and give it maybe a day so DS can help clean up and plan some food and so on.

Talk to the other mom, let her know her kids (and HER!) are welcome to come visit at your house, that you'd like to get to know them better, and you want a turn hanging out with your kid, that you need him to help out with the house a little bit and you just want to hear what's going on with him.

My DS just started his first relationship with a girl, they're both 13. I don't think I'm ready for him to be spending the night at her house, but both kids have already spent a lot of time hanging out at each other's houses. And DS does spend the night at his guy-friend's houses... if it was a sister of someone he'd already spent the night with, well, if the mom was on board with nothing too out-of-hand going on, then I'd be OK with him spending the night there.

As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!

You might want to check with the other mom and make sure her values are near yours in this department.

Good luck!


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SamuraiEarthMama* 
As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!

Which is a very practical and well-reasoned approach.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight







I guess we will be having some conversations tonight


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

"My kid has gone to live with another family for a couple of weeks, and I've never met this family, but we are unschoolers so it's ok".

Rock on.


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## Jane Plane (Jan 30, 2007)

I was kind of seeing the conundrum until Cherie mentioned not ever having met the family.

Seriously, I think that having a set of rules, not necessarily for your son, but for you, would be in order.

Just because your 14 year old strikes you as mature doesn't mean it's appropriate for him to be thrust in situations where he _has_ to be mature. He's still just a kid.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
So my 14 year old ds made a new friend ... who apparently has a cute sister ... anyway he has been at their house for over a week now. I want him to come home .. and every day he says he is going to and the asks to stay one more night. He is unschooled and has no real "commitments" to speak of that he needs to be home for. But I miss him and want him to come home. Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..

You have justification............You like being around your child. I would tell him no but his friend is more than welcome to stay at yours.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight







I guess we will be having some conversations tonight









You have no idea about the family he is with, you don't want a 14 year old home resentfully, you have no idea how carefully the kids are being watched...are you prepared to have your 14 year old become a father????? these are you CHILDREN, they are still CHILDREN!!!! They belong at home with you!


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## boobybunny (Jun 28, 2005)

In all honesty, the area and community that Cheri lives in is not one that is judgemental about this. There are more unschoolers, homeschoolers, and life leaders in our community than you could ever imagine. (think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters) Children, all children here are part of the greater family. It is one of the main reasons I moved back home. I am just as likely to have my neighbor's children for dinner as they are to have mine. I do the neighbor's basic yard work, they would bake an extra dozen cookies for my house. You really would have to live in this community to truly understand.

I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.


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## birthjunkie27 (Jul 6, 2005)

Thought I'd give a different perspective. That of the teen. When I was 15 I'd spend night after night after night, possibly even weeks, at a friend's house (I would go home for showers and changing clothes) and this was during the summer so no school to worry about. Anyways, my friends mom would call my home and talk to my Dad (my mom wasn't living with us) and tell him it was ok for me to stay over. The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was *NO SUPERVISION* of what was going on in her home. We'd smoke pot pretty much all the time and there were also some kids doing acid. There was sexual activity going on (not with me, but with other kids). Lots of things that my Dad would never dream of especially since he talked with the Mom of this household and since I was such a "good girl". Really, I was a straight A student who'd never been in any sort of trouble. There was no curfew in that house, so we could be out wandering in the woods until wee hours of the morning. On the same note, I used to spend the night at a DIFFERENT house (that of my brother's girlfriend and her family whom he was living with). She was close to my age so I'd play it off like I was spending the night at a "friends" house, which she was, but the reason I wanted to stay there is again, the lack of supervision/caring on behalf of the parents. MY boyfriend also stayed there with me (my Dad didn't know this part) and so began my sexual activity. We could do whatever we wanted!

So... of course I had tons of fun while doing these things and I'm really glad I was able to experience them, even though there was so much that could have gone wrong, but now that I'm a parent, OMG, I'm TERRIFIED of when my kids are teens.







: I do know that I will KNOW, I mean, really *KNOW* the parents of any friends my kids will be spending the night with. Not just a quick phone call. You'd be surprised at how "normal" a family may look, but how completely NOT normal things are behind closed doors.


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## Em T (Mar 14, 2006)

My oldest daughter tried to do this when she was around 16. The difference was I knew the girl she was staying with & her mother. I let her stay 2 nights instead of the original one & then said she needed to come home. Why? Because it really could have been an imposition on the other family, feeding a teenager is no joke & costs can mount up, & who knew what their plans were or how an extra person might affect them but mainly I said to come home because she didn't life there. You visit friends, you live at home. That doesn't seem harsh or unreasonable to me, especially if you leave the welcome mat out for them to invite others over too.

This was some time ago. Now I would be concerned with issues that didn't occur to me then, like does the family have guns on the premises? There have been numerous instances of teenage boys shooting one another in the news because they got hold of firearms their parents owned & were showing them off. With people allowed to have concealed carry permits there can be guns in homes & cars that you might have no idea of if you aren't familiar with the family. There are also too many stories about kids who go swimming without supervision who run into trouble & drown. The bottom line is, if your child is completely away from home for an extended period you can't supervise him & safety issues can arise, especially in that age bracket that is attracted to risky behavior.


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## siennasmom (Mar 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *birthjunkie27* 
The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was *NO SUPERVISION* of what was going on in her home.

I was in a very similar situation as a teen. I was thought to be responsible and mature for my age (and I was), but I was still just a kid. Nothing bad happened to me, but that was just because of dumb luck. I had several very close calls, including a possible abduction attempt.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

My sister did something like this when she was seventeen. Turned out, once we got her home, that the family had been emotionally abusing her and she more or less had Stockholm Syndrome. That was a mess. IMO your justification is that you don't know the family!


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
In all honesty, the area and community that Cheri lives in is not one that is judgemental about this. There are more unschoolers, homeschoolers, and life leaders in our community than you could ever imagine. (think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters) Children, all children here are part of the greater family. It is one of the main reasons I moved back home. I am just as likely to have my neighbor's children for dinner as they are to have mine. I do the neighbor's basic yard work, they would bake an extra dozen cookies for my house. You really would have to live in this community to truly understand.

Now you have me really intrigued about the area where you live. Maybe this isn't something you want to say, but can you tell us what state you're in? Oregon? California? (The area that I live in can be pretty judgmental about what people do. I'm not looking to move, but this is interesting.)


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## DoctorGirlfriend (Dec 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched.

I don't care how AP/crunchy/unschooling/GD you are...what kind of sense does that make?

I'm glad he's coming home.


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## [email protected] (May 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *birthjunkie27* 
Thought I'd give a different perspective. That of the teen. When I was 15 I'd spend night after night after night, possibly even weeks, at a friend's house (I would go home for showers and changing clothes) and this was during the summer so no school to worry about. Anyways, my friends mom would call my home and talk to my Dad (my mom wasn't living with us) and tell him it was ok for me to stay over. The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was *NO SUPERVISION* of what was going on in her home. We'd smoke pot pretty much all the time and there were also some kids doing acid. There was sexual activity going on (not with me, but with other kids). Lots of things that my Dad would never dream of especially since he talked with the Mom of this household and since I was such a "good girl". Really, I was a straight A student who'd never been in any sort of trouble. There was no curfew in that house, so we could be out wandering in the woods until wee hours of the morning. On the same note, I used to spend the night at a DIFFERENT house (that of my brother's girlfriend and her family whom he was living with). She was close to my age so I'd play it off like I was spending the night at a "friends" house, which she was, but the reason I wanted to stay there is again, the lack of supervision/caring on behalf of the parents. MY boyfriend also stayed there with me (my Dad didn't know this part) and so began my sexual activity. We could do whatever we wanted!

So... of course I had tons of fun while doing these things and I'm really glad I was able to experience them, even though there was so much that could have gone wrong, but now that I'm a parent, OMG, I'm TERRIFIED of when my kids are teens.







: I do know that I will KNOW, I mean, really *KNOW* the parents of any friends my kids will be spending the night with. Not just a quick phone call. You'd be surprised at how "normal" a family may look, but how completely NOT normal things are behind closed doors.

and thats just about says it doesnt it.. id think cherie you at 13 and out of the house ( not judging you) but youd want to have your kids close by you for as long as possible , you know break the cycle.. . I was a brat teen and out at 17 , engaged at 18 married at 20, 3 kids by the time I was 24. divorced at 34 cause i felt i missed something,, my childhood. when my daughter wanted to leave at 17 i seen her following my path,, I fought for her to finish school and ill be dammed if shes follows my path........ but thats just me.. all of us are different.. goodluck..


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

I think is Ok to say you miss him, but not OK to use that as a reason to insist he "come home".

You missing him is your deal, kwim? And you would not want to guilt hi into anything.

Like many here, I would insist he come home (but not because you miss him). Food for thought (but not judgements







: )

1. I think 2 days is the limit for a child to be away, unless there is other, more formal arrangements going on.

2. You do not know the parents. I imagine your son IS probably a good judge of character, but at 14, and if this is a first love sort of situation, his judgement may be a little skewed. My own opinion, is that as a parent, we slowly loosen boundaries and let them fly. It is great that this other family may feel his presence is positive - but if the other family is having issues, might he feel pressured to stay or guilty about going home? It is hard to know - it goes back to the fact that at 14 he may be too young to deal with this.

3. Yes - he may well be outstaying his welcome. A 14 yr old can eat about 50$ worth of food alone in a week - he is tapping their resources.

4. There is something to be said for promoting a strong family base/family ties. Your family are the ones you will go through life with - you should make them a priority. I know this is very hard on teens, who can be very peer-centric, but being too peer centric has its issues too, kwim?

Kathy


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## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusannaG* 
Now you have me really intrigued about the area where you live. Maybe this isn't something you want to say, but can you tell us what state you're in? . . .









:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tsume* 







:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?

This really isn't that unusual even in more mainstream neighborhoods.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

ok ya lost me when you said that you have never met the family. I'm an unschooler too and we practice consentual living. However, I'd never let my child just be gone for a week at a house where I have never even met the people.







:


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.

Thanks for that


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## boobybunny (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tsume* 







:

Our young people are younger but the neighborhood friends play at our house and in our yard. If it's time to eat and they are over then we feed them and I really want our home to be young people friendly.

Is this a commune? Something less organized?

No, not a commune. But I did live on one for a couple of years when I was really young. (74-76) Our town has a very friendly vibe and collective responsibility. I have fed children at the park, (with parents permission of course) snacks that we brought for our kiddos. I have had parent offer up a cloth diaper for me when I forgot to restock the diaper bag. I have done the same, I have seen a woman buy the entire park full of kiddos ice cream from the truck. (with parents permission again) There is a real "pay it back/forward" attitude here. From a mom buying all the kiddos on my son's soccer team the tournament t shirt, to three nursing moms meeting at a park and deciding COLLECTIVELY to help a low supply mom give her child breast milk.

It happens in more mainstream areas of our community too. We wake board. I have seen people with $70,000 dollar boats give a tow to a kid (teen/college age) hanging out on the dock.. oogling boats. One day a minivan full of people was on the side of the hwy. By the time I turned around there was two other cars stopping to help her.


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
No, not a commune. But I did live on one for a couple of years when I was really young. (74-76) Our town has a very friendly vibe and collective responsibility. I have fed children at the park, (with parents permission of course) snacks that we brought for our kiddos. I have had parent offer up a cloth diaper for me when I forgot to restock the diaper bag. I have done the same, I have seen a woman buy the entire park full of kiddos ice cream from the truck. (with parents permission again) There is a real "pay it back/forward" attitude here. From a mom buying all the kiddos on my son's soccer team the tournament t shirt, to three nursing moms meeting at a park and deciding COLLECTIVELY to help a low supply mom give her child breast milk.

It happens in more mainstream areas of our community too. We wake board. I have seen people with $70,000 dollar boats give a tow to a kid (teen/college age) hanging out on the dock.. oogling boats. One day a minivan full of people was on the side of the hwy. By the time I turned around there was two other cars stopping to help her.

Wow, where do you live and can I come stay! I so want to feel the love!

Where we live people don't stop for anything!


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

This thread is really starting to upset me, and I don't even want to post in it anymore... it has me feeling so defensive. Really I am not very worried about him. He came home last night, and I got the scoop. I do feel comfortable with him being there. I don't think there is anything going on over there that wouldn't happen at my house you know? Personally I would like them to come spend some time at our house .. mostly for myself so I can feel more connected ... but that is my thing. And mostly I want to stay open with him ... I don't want him to feel I am forcing arbitrary rules on him. I think its all going to be ok ... I had this idea in my head that more MDC moms may have had this experience and have a little insight as to how to deal with my personal issue and maybe something I had not thought of as far as a "reason" that he should come home. Oh well, but I do appreciate the good advice I have gotten







and I have read some things that have made me think, so thank you.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)




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## siennasmom (Mar 14, 2006)

May I gently suggest that you send some food or grocery money with him next time he's there for an extended stay? As was noted above, it can get very expensive to feed a teenage boy, as I'm sure you know.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I don't want him to feel I am forcing arbitrary rules on him.

"You live here, so come home."

Not arbitrary at all.

Kids need SOME structure!


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Cherie2, I'm glad he came home and got to talk to you and reconnect.

I was going to suggest you meet the family...maybe invite them all over for dinner? But I see that you will likely not post on this thread...to be honest, I didn't read past page one...


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## momazon4 (Dec 19, 2006)

Cherie2, hugs, mama. I origionally didn't post because the negative tone of some of the responses upset ME(and I wasn't the origioal poster!). IMO, the negative responses were not dealing with what you were asking anyway. You didn't get all of the support I love MDC for and I'm sorry.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
Cherie2, I'm glad he came home and got to talk to you and reconnect.

I was going to suggest you meet the family...maybe invite them all over for dinner? But I see that you will likely not post on this thread...to be honest, I didn't read past page one...

That is a great idea, thanks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momazon4* 
Cherie2, hugs, mama. I origionally didn't post because the negative tone of some of the responses upset ME(and I wasn't the origioal poster!). IMO, the negative responses were not dealing with what you were asking anyway. You didn't get all of the support I love MDC for and I'm sorry.

Thank you, you know I realized I was getting a little too over-sensitive about this whole thread, I guess I still have some insecurities about my parenting. I do know though that I am raising him the way I know is best. I am this unstructured with him intentionally, weather most folks agree or not.

To those who wonder how I can let him be in a home where I don't know the parents, well I know my son. I know him very well. He is going to share with me truthfully, and fully, and I have a clear understanding of the situation. If this were my dd, I would feel differently, because again I know my dd, and I know I would not get a clear full understanding of the situation from her, she would color it to how she knows I would want to see it.

Ds has been home all week, and it has been nice. I am glad he knows I trust him, I am glad that he can have his freedom and a home with his family too..


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## Kylix (May 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.

Hmmm...I guess my question is where do you draw the line on when it IS appropriate to judge.

I think parenting is one of the most important, if not THE most important, job in the world. If we can't judge parenting (judge mean deeming what is good for children and what is not), then I think it is a shame for future of our children. Sure, I get we shouldn't judge the minor details i.e., do we feed children canned baby food or homemade baby food but there are some issues that I think should absolutely judged.

When I first read your post, Cherie, I thought you should absolutely have your 14 year old son come home for some of the same reasons you posted--he may be wearing out his welcome, you miss him etc.

But after you said that you do not know this family well, you have never met them, you suspect he may be having sex and that your expectations for 14 year olds are center around that you started having sex around that time as did your older daughter and that you were out on your own at that time, I have to say I think that what you are allowing is unacceptable. I concur with a previous poster "are you ready for your son to be a parent?". Maybe a more important question "is he ready to become a parent?" He may not know, but you should know.

I think it is your job as a parent to set limits and put your foot down. This is just my opinion but you asked for opinions. And what's more, I think with an issue as serious as leaving your child in someone else's care for over a week (someone you say you don't know well and with which you are not sure that he is being well supervised or if he is having sex), that it is important for a third party to "judge". What would child protective agencies say about this?

Kylix


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## mummyto3girls (May 13, 2007)

Hugs to you mamma =)

I'm in the other side of th boat, except that my case is with a 5 year old kid(our neighbour) that will stay for over a week, it does bother, specially(jin our case not yours) the parents don't even care to call or anything.
But I'm not taking over your thread.


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## siennasmom (Mar 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
To those who wonder how I can let him be in a home where I don't know the parents, well I know my son. I know him very well. He is going to share with me truthfully, and fully, and I have a clear understanding of the situation. If this were my dd, I would feel differently, because again I know my dd, and I know I would not get a clear full understanding of the situation from her, she would color it to how she knows I would want to see it.

My mom would have said the same thing about me, I guarantee it. There are plenty of things I did that she still doesn't have the first clue about.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 

To those who wonder how I can let him be in a home where I don't know the parents, well I know my son. I know him very well. He is going to share with me truthfully, and fully, and I have a clear understanding of the situation.

My dad thought the same thing about me at 14-15. He was utterly clueless that I put on a open happy kid front to him and went around smoking pot, having sex etc...until I got pregnant at 15. Of course this won't happen with every kid that has trusting parents, I'm just saying. People can change. And you might not know it.

I'm glad he's home and safe. I personally wouldn't trust parents I didn't know. (not saying I'm better, just different)


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## addictedtocloth! (Sep 24, 2006)

you can make him come home, he is still young child. i would make him, he may not like it but that is tough.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

well, when i was 13/14 i moved in with my freinds...it started on weekends, then my stepdad dropping mye off and picking me up days as well (for the bus) and then i just started staying a day longer...etc? ya know/ but we wnt to publix school. i lived with them most of 8 months. if ya miss him, tell him to come home, talk to the kids mom and ask her to please tell him he needs to leave for at least a few days or somethjing.

oops, i noticed hes home now. duh, i should have read more LOL!
but yeah...ive never been anywhere like that. cool.

the girl i was with, we had friends over, her bf (now MY kids dad...im 20) inculded, but well, he lived across the street, and she worked a little farther up the street. she didnt want him there, and wasnt supposed to nbe IN the house without her, but oh well. we did drink, my mom wasnt told, but she knew. as long as we werent drunk, or smoking, she didnt care too much, shes of thee thought if youre allowed to, it wont be a huge deal.
i did have sex during this time, but it was a time when i came home, and my then bf came over and we went off on our bikes a few horurs, nothing to do with being at her house (though meeting/getting to know my now kids dad..that was due to being there, LOL so ...yeah. if i hadnt been therer, i wouldnt have my almost 7yr "relationship" (dont ask) nor either of my kids, or angels) i dont really see a huge issue, though it would be nice to know them, i think. my mom let me spend the first weekend there after talking to her mom like an hour on the phone, then let her when she picked me up (which was way abnormal.. id spend the night at ONE friends house ONE time who id known 4 years before this!!)
and they got to know each other pretty well after it, but yeah, i came here for clothes, and thats about it. i mainly just washed stuff there, then my mom flat refused to give me anything else for a while..dunno why, so i was there i think 5 weks with no extra stuff, i think 2 outfits and bikini top. that was fun.
anyway like i said, i dont see huige issues unless they dont want him there, except missing him, so







:

good luck!


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I don't know, Cherie. I respect your choices, and I'm glad that you're working so hard to have a truthful, trusting relationship with your son. But in all honesty, I'm really concerned about you not knowing the other family. It's great that you know your son, and it's great that you trust him to totally fill you in on a situation. But I think part of our job as parents is to prevent our children from getting *into* situations where they are completely over their heads and without our support. It won't do any good if you learn he's had no supervision (and a lot of sex with his gf) *after* it's happened. I think if you choose to continue to let your son spend a lot of time with this other family that it might be very wise to cultivate a relationship with them. Just my .02.


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

Hey Cherie, I just wanted to let you know that there is another person reading this thread who understands where unschoolers are coming from. I'm trying to work with NVC lately, and I think that ties in a bit.

It sounds like you were feeling sad because you missed your son and wanted to spend time with him, is that right? You wanted to find a way to let him know that, but you respect him and don't want to make him feel guilty about being with his friends? I'm happy to read posts from people who are striving to treat their children with respect.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hera* 








Hey Cherie, I just wanted to let you know that there is another person reading this thread who understands where unschoolers are coming from. I'm trying to work with NVC lately, and I think that ties in a bit.

It sounds like you were feeling sad because you missed your son and wanted to spend time with him, is that right? You wanted to find a way to let him know that, but you respect him and don't want to make him feel guilty about being with his friends? I'm happy to read posts from people who are striving to treat their children with respect.









So, if you are concerned about your child and need to set boundaries, your not "respecting" your child? Children need a mother--not a best friend. You can respect them while giving them guidance and boundaries.


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinyum* 
So, if you are concerned about your child and need to set boundaries, your not "respecting" your child? Children need a mother--not a best friend. You can respect them while giving them guidance and boundaries.

It sounds like you are afraid that unless a 14 year old is told exactly where he has to be, he will not manage to make decisions that will keep him safe. Am I understanding you correctly?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hera* 







Hey Cherie, I just wanted to let you know that there is another person reading this thread who understands where unschoolers are coming from. .... I'm happy to read posts from people who are striving to treat their children with respect.

















:

We are very mellow with our kids and they have tons of freedom. Mine are a bit younger than yours so I don't think I have anything constructive to add, except to say that it is hard for people who haven't raised their kids this way to understand that kids who have been raised making their own decision, tend to make really good ones.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hera* 
It sounds like you are afraid that unless a 14 year old is told exactly where he has to be, he will not manage to make decisions that will keep him safe. Am I understanding you correctly?


I'm quite confused, as I never said a 14 year old needs to be told exactly where he has to be. I said kids need boundaries. And I most certainly do want to know where my 14 year old is during the day--that doesn't mean that I am telling him everything and everywhere he needs to go. I'm guessing that you are ok if you don't know your childrens whereabouts?


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## Shakti A. (Feb 16, 2007)

Quote:

think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters

Quote:

Maybe this isn't something you want to say, but can you tell us what state you're in? Oregon? California?
I thought Oregon at first too, then I realized how stupid I was being. California, I think, along the peninsula ridge.


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinyum* 
I'm quite confused, as I never said a 14 year old needs to be told exactly where he has to be. I said kids need boundaries. And I most certainly do want to know where my 14 year old is during the day--that doesn't mean that I am telling him everything and everywhere he needs to go. I'm guessing that you are ok if you don't know your childrens whereabouts?

Sounds like I didn't have that quite right. So, you're concerned because you want to make sure you know where your kids are at all times, and that you'd like them to check in with you before finalizing decisions? Is that what you mean?


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shakti A.* 
I thought Oregon at first too, then I realized how stupid I was being. California, I think, along the peninsula ridge.

You're not being stupid, the whole Kesey family is here in Eugene. Oregon Country Fair, Nancy's Yogurt, all that stuff. It's what I thought at first, except that I don't think I'd consider the scene to be quite as free as the pp described.


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## Shakti A. (Feb 16, 2007)

Yeah, that's why I thought of it first, but it's not the _literary_ association one would have with Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters.


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shakti A.* 
Yeah, that's why I thought of it first, but it's not the _literary_ association one would have with Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters.

Yeah, pretty much a local reference,


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..

Sure you do, you're his mother.







Why don't you think about the other family. Perhaps they are hoping you will get your child back to his own house and out of their house but don't quite know how to tell you that. And if you don't know them that well that probably makes them wonder even more why you would allow your child to go to a strangers house for so long and not wonder what he is up to. Be a responsible parent. You may regret it if you don't.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
Sure you do, you're his mother.







Why don't you think about the other family. Perhaps they are hoping you will get your child back to his own house and out of their house but don't quite know how to tell you that. And if you don't know them that well that probably makes them wonder even more why you would allow your child to go to a strangers house for so long and not wonder what he is up to. Be a responsible parent. You may regret it if you don't.

If I remember correctly her son checks in nightly and asks to stay again. She also speaks daily with the mother of boy he is staying with and I would think you would be able to tell through the tone of voice/verbal cues if the child is no longer welcome in the home. I would say she probably has a hold on what he is doing. If he has a strong base in how he was raised, then it falls on the trust one has in their child's abilities to make appropriate decisions. All any parent can do is teach/guide their child, then trust they can make the decisions that are wise.

I am not sure why it is equated with being a responsible/irresponsible parent. A child going to camp is going to be around people who the parents don't know (at least the ones teens go to). They will go with some people they know and some they don't; which isn't seen as irresponsible. I am not sure why this is seen as anything different.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

i posted before i read...now that i have read the whole thread, i just want to say that we all do things different, and should worry only about our own kids.
but, i was a teenager only 7 years ago, and i remember how much i loved going to friends houses whos parents let me do whatever i wanted...and they would have let me stay as long as i wanted. but luckily my mom made me come home. at the time i was annoyed, but now i am grateful. but again, like cherie2 says, she knows her son...my mom must have known me...


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SamuraiEarthMama* 
Cherie, I think I might be in a situation more like yours than some of these other mamas. I've seen a very strong sense of trust and responsibility and respect develop in my kids because I don't "lower the boom" on them for no reason other than I want to.

But I can also understand your wanting to see your son!

If I was in your position, I'd invite the friends to come over to my house for a while... just let them know you're feeling lonely and left-out, and give it maybe a day so DS can help clean up and plan some food and so on.

Talk to the other mom, let her know her kids (and HER!) are welcome to come visit at your house, that you'd like to get to know them better, and you want a turn hanging out with your kid, that you need him to help out with the house a little bit and you just want to hear what's going on with him.

My DS just started his first relationship with a girl, they're both 13. I don't think I'm ready for him to be spending the night at her house, but both kids have already spent a lot of time hanging out at each other's houses. And DS does spend the night at his guy-friend's houses... if it was a sister of someone he'd already spent the night with, well, if the mom was on board with nothing too out-of-hand going on, then I'd be OK with him spending the night there.

As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!

You might want to check with the other mom and make sure her values are near yours in this department.

Good luck!

Perfectly said!!


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## Jasmine_xoxo (Jan 21, 2007)

I'm replying to this because I am the mother of two teen boys (16 & 18). I have always been a free spirited mother and my relationship with my sons is very open and honest.
Oh yeah, and I'm in Oregon.








Anyways, I digress...to the OP - you posted asking how to get him to come home and then you seemed to backtrack which was a bit weird.
Here's the deal - you're his mom. He has one blood family - yours. He is just 14. A baby really. He definitely is having sex if he likes that girl there. Trust me. He's 14...
He doesn't understand birth control in the heat of the moment. He's 14.
I say take some responsibility. Get some backbone (I don't mean this to be mean...truly) and tell him to get his butt home. If he doesn't like it too bad.
If he was out doing something bad (vandalism let's say) YOU would be the one to pay his fines and attend court with him etc. So while he is under 18 it is YOUR responsibility to know where he is and what he is doing at all times.
I was a young mom (barely 18). I got away with everything when I was a teen because I lied like crazy to my parents. Yet they would tell you to this day that I was a pretty good kid. Hah.
I think my sons are good too...but things are starting to come out about certain activities that I would disapprove of and you know...it doesn't surprise me...knowing how I was when I was young.
I'm just encouraging you to open your eyes to this situation and things like potential pregnancy, STDs, drinking, drugs, bad choices. These happen in the best of families and situations right under your nose.
Trust me. I'm the mom of boys too.
Best of luck.
PS when I say I want my kids home, they just come home. I tell them that I miss them and love them and want to have dinner/ watch a movie with whatever and home they come. Our family unit is pretty tight though, we'd rather come home to each other most of the time anyways LOL


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo* 
Here's the deal - you're his mom. He has one blood family - yours. He is just 14. A baby really. He definitely is having sex if he likes that girl there. Trust me. He's 14...

Being 14 and staying in a home where there are teens of the opposite gender, even if they like each other, does not equate "definately having sex."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo*
He doesn't understand birth control in the heat of the moment. He's 14.

Being 14 doesn't equate no self control.
Being 14 doesn't equate inability to "understand birth control in the heat of the moment."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo*
I say take some responsibility. Get some backbone (I don't mean this to be mean...truly) and tell him to get his butt home. If he doesn't like it too bad.

Obviously you failed to read anything about the OP's relationship with her son or the workings of her family. They appear to not subscribe to the idea of do it b/c I tell you to do it. They also appear to strive for mutual respect and listening to your child...not the authoritarian type household of do b/c I am the adult and you are the child. I am pretty certain they aren't the only ones on this site who feel the same way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo*
If he was out doing something bad (vandalism let's say) YOU would be the one to pay his fines and attend court with him etc. So while he is under 18 it is YOUR responsibility to know where he is and what he is doing at all times.

Do you really think you can know what your teen is doing at all times? I think that is a bit of a stretch. Honestly, if my child would break the law...he would pay for the court fines and take responsibility for his actions. You need to let your teens step away and learn how to function outside of the watchful eye of the parents...how else will they learn?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo*
I was a young mom (barely 18). I got away with everything when I was a teen because I lied like crazy to my parents. Yet they would tell you to this day that I was a pretty good kid. Hah.

I would guess noone can know for sure if their child is telling the truth or lieing, but at some point you have to trust what you have taught them and let them figure it out on their own.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jasmine_xoxo*
I think my sons are good too...but things are starting to come out about certain activities that I would disapprove of and you know...it doesn't surprise me...knowing how I was when I was young.
I'm just encouraging you to open your eyes to this situation and things like potential pregnancy, STDs, drinking, drugs, bad choices. These happen in the best of families and situations right under your nose.

What do you think is the solution? How do you think anyone can know at all times what their child is doing?

We all teach our children about sex, drugs, drinking, and bad choices. They aren't going to learn anything without getting out their on their own and living without us on top of them. I am sure some kids will make bad choices, but there are also plenty who do just fine. The only way to learn is by doing.


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## Jasmine_xoxo (Jan 21, 2007)

I'm just posting from my experience of raising 2 of my own teen boys, and 2 of my fiance's. So really no experience at all where boys are concerned eh?









She seemed to want him to home, and then backtracked. Which I found confusing.

Your points were valid, thanks. But I didn't agree with all of them which is fine. I doubt you expected me to









I've probably raised my kids very similarly to her as well (except we do public school etc), but each child IS different. And each child does make good and bad choices.

And yes a 14 year old boy unsupervised in a house with the opposite sex that he already likes will have thoughts of sex. It is a rocky slippery slope. One best not trodden while 14. Boys are boys. 14 is a red hot age. Don't feed the fire if you don't want it to flame up.

My opinions only, not intended to offend, but I am sticking to them.


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