# anyone have to accept that you're finished having kids?



## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

I'm afraid we are coming to that point. There is still a small sliver of hope for another child but I feel like I have to accept that we're done.

I love my 2 boys, they're wonderful, and fun and we are so blessed to have them. But how do I handle the resentment, bitterness, anger, and longing for another child? There are always going to be pregnant ladies around, at the stores, at church, in the neighborhood. There is always going to be larger families. How do I go about not hating them all, I know that sounds horrible but honestly the anger involved in grieving is consuming and for me has been the hardest step to work through.

I'm so confused. Why is this happening to us, we are a stable familiy ready and wanting to have another child. Why is that so many families we know didn't even want they youngest but surprise they ended up w/ more kids then originally planned. It's not fair!

For the last year, I've held onto the hope of getting pregnant again and having another baby but now that hope is just about gone. I don't know how to handle these emotions, anyone feel the same way?


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Hi there....I have five boys living. I've lost three to miscarriage, and twins to stillbirth. My twins weren't planned...they were the biggest shock ever...and I wanted them soooo much nonetheless. I thought I was done having children, found out I was having more....and lost them. And it killed me inside. Because....I was DONE before they came around. I was DONE....and now...all I want...is them. All I want...is a baby to love. to hold. to smell.

but...I was done, right? Why would I not be done NOW if I was done THEN. Why would I try NOW, if I wasn't trying THEN?

No one would REALLY think it was "o.k.". I remember the snide comments when I was pregnant with the beautiful twins I will never get to hold again. I remember how ungraceful people were about it. I remember, that even though my family is happy, beautiful, and healthy....it wasn't o.k.

How could that change?

How could I justify it?

I can't replace Simon and Alexander. They aren't replaceable. They were, and then...they weren't. They were not planned, but they were sooooo wanted. I still want them.

But...

That's really not in my hands right now.

So, yeah...I'm struggling with understanding that though I was perfectly content a year and a half ago to never have another baby, I am no longer o.k. with that, and yet, it IS that way. I don't understand why my contentment had to be altered by giving and taking away twins that I would have adored. That I DO adore. I don't understand why I couldn't have just been happy and free in my choice to stop....I stopped, but no....there was another plan, and the plan was to put them there, and then...take them away. I think it sucks. I'm trying to live with it.

I do well some days...and other days....not so well. I'm getting over a not so well phase, and see some light shining in right now.

No...I'm not planning on another lovely wonderful baby. It makes me so sad. It makes my arms ache to think about the HUGE loss of my twins. I'd love to melt away some of the pain with babyness....

But, right now, I just can't really see a way that makes sense. To anyone.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I'm at a different place, but the same place. I am wondering if I need to start accepting that I will never have children.

J-angel - I understand your resentment. And the bitterness, and the hate.
My problem is jealousy at lot of the time. I have actually been in a place so dark that I have wished bad things to happen. Just so I wasn't the only one. Disgusting hey?

Most of the time, I don't feel happy for people who are pregnant and who get babies. It seems as though friends of ours are spitting out babies all the time. I hate seeing the pregnant mums. Even ones that are my friends. I hate and love seeing the babies.

I can't tell you how to handle this - just that you aren't the only one. I'm truly sorry that you're in that position, and I hope that you aren't finished.


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## jenna111 (Jan 17, 2009)

I am right there with you. I am not particularly fertile and my DH is not really wanting another.

We have 2 wonderful daughters 1 a fertility clinic baby and 1 natural conception.

After the birth of our second daughter almost 4 years ago we decided we were fine with taking our chances until May 2010. Since we were within 6 months of our deadline last November I gave away a few of my daughters clothes. I cried but was slowly making peace with being done.

Then on New Years Eve I found out I was pg. For the 7 weeks I knew I was pg I struggled with mixed emotions excited about being pregnant and having a new baby. Not so excited about dealing with another toddler/preschooler and setting my own interest on the back burner again.

A week ago I lost our little one. I now realize how much I wanted him or her. However, I also feel guilt for wanting to say I am done it is time to move on from the baby phase of life. I haven't been ready to talk to my DH about it because I am sure he will say without a doubt he is ready to move on.

Is that stupid?

So the answer to your question is yes others are struggling to move on to.

Jennifer


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

i think about this too. i have four living children and have had 4 losses, the last 3 right in a row, two miscarriages and a stillbirth. i'm 36. recovering from the major blood loss and have to avoid TTC for a few months, then by that time i'll be approaching 37. i'm afraid i will never have another one. and i don't know how to deal with that. dh does not want to have another baby at 40 so i feel like i have so little time left. and really, i could have another dead baby at the end of it at the rate i'm going. it just sucks.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

I've wondered the same thing. I've always known that I wanted more; I've really *really* wanted another babe for the last 4 years - since my youngest was about 2. My pregnancy last year was unplanned but SO wanted - then I lost the baby at 12 weeks.
We've been trying now since August, and it's just not happening despite careful charting, herbs, OPKs, right timing - everything.
Will I be okay if we never have another? I have no idea.
You're definitely not the only one. {sigh}


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## sadkitty (Jun 24, 2004)

I haven't figured out how to be okay with being done. I desperately want another baby. Of course, it's only been 3.5 weeks since Juniper was born dead. But knowing that that hole will always be there adds another layer to the grief.
DH had a vasectomy at the beginning of December. Juniper was a surprise, but so loved and wanted when we found out. We thought we wewre done, because we already have two children, were 7 months pregnant, and "safe" right? I had to cajole him into getting the stupid operation, because he's kind of a wus ;-) I regret that SOOO much. It's the thing I cry about most. And he will never fork over the $10,000 it would cost for a reversal. And really, why put himself through that pain, only to have to deal with the anxiety and potential pain of losing another child?
But I feel like I should get another chance. And in my darkest depths of the bargining stages of greif I swear I will go to a doctor and get every test there is and do whatever they say (even though I had a wonderful healthy pregnancy and a fabulous group of midwives and there was never any clue that anything could go wrong and we still don't know, may never know, what happened.) If only that vasectromy would fail.
So yeah, I should be grateful for what I have and not be greedy. And I miss the baby that was, but DAMMIT! I want a baby that IS.
But, somehow I have to learn to accept. And that SUCKS!


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I have no faith right now that my body will ever deliver me a healthy baby again and that our family is destined to be 2 children and then losses. We'll keep at it, but I am on the cusp of accepting that our family will never be what I'd like it to be.

Right now I have mounds of bitterness about it and it's so bad that it's not even only aimed at easily-pregnant-never-had-a-loss mamas. I'm bitter at mamas with fewer losses than I who get to have babies. I'm bitter with women with 3 children (because that's the family I want). I'm bitter with old ladies and young ladies and on and on and on. It's not right, it's not rational, it's just raging and uncontrolled grief.

I'm in the process now of getting rid of nearly every article of baby clothing we've got. I've gotten rid of about 90% of my maternity clothes. I'm almost to the point that I accept we'll never have another child but I'm not sure I'll ever be happy about it. And I don't have ANY advice for you at all.


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

I am having to accept this, for many reasons. It took two years of "not trying to prevent" to get pregnant, and then the baby had its heart and liver forming outside the body, no spinal cord, no skull, all because of a tiny membrane. So now, no baby. I can't imagine going through termination again, hearing the news, having to work with DD through the loss of a sibling, with her wanting a brother or sister so badly. I am 39 on Sunday, the risks increase as the months pass.

We waited too long to start trying. I am having a hard time dealing with that part, that because it took so long to commit to the idea DD will be alone in the world when DH and I die. We have a really small, spread out family, and she gets so lonely sometimes. At my lowest moments, DD is who I grieve for. I just don't think I can try again.


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## Turtlecouple (May 11, 2004)

I'm having a hard time accepting it as well. We have two boys, 6 and 2. I was on the fence about having a 3rd, leaning toward being done, my husband was done. We started donating all of our baby stuff. On Thanksgiving weekend, I found out I was pregnant (surprise!!) and had mixed feelings about it. I finally got excited about the pregnancy and having another baby and had a miscarriage at 9 wks. I was devastated and have feelings of guilt because I wasn't totally happy at first about having a baby.

We haven't really discussed it, but it's assumed that we're done. I'm 40 so I don't have much time if we wanted another one. But I'm still dealing with the miscarriage and not anywhere near ready to try again. I feel like last my pregnancy was my last chance and now time has run out. I'm not only grieving for my lost baby, but the end of my childbearing life.


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Turtlecouple* 
I feel like last my pregnancy was my last chance and now time has run out.

This is me.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I am in this boat. I have had one stillbirth, one miscarriage, and one live, healthy baby. With my stillbirth, my daughter got caught on the way out (shoulder dystocia) and crushed her own cord. My son had SD as well, but thankfully we were able to get him out in time, with much distortion, and my tail bone bruised him up pretty badly. I also hemorrhaged after both births, with my daughter's birth I almost died (blood pressure dropped so low it wouldn't register on the machine) and needed a blood transfusion.

We are not having any more because of the fear for both their life and mine. I just wasn't built for making babies.









ETA: I am 23. I was 21 when DS was born. It is hard being younger than many people start having kids and already being done.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I feel like last my pregnancy was my last chance and now time has run out. I'm not only grieving for my lost baby said:


> that.
> 
> I just lost my baby at 19 weeks. I will be 40 in three months. That was my last baby.


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## Suzannah (Nov 19, 2001)

And so how are you all coming to accept this?


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

My circumstances were different. I wanted more children, DH didn't. When I was pregnant with #5 (who I miscarried at 20 weeks), DH got a vasectomy. I was crushed that I wouldn't have more children. I spent an entire summer depressed, hiding from the world. For a few years, I had lingering sadness about the fact that I was done having children.

It's been 4 years since I miscarried my last baby. Since then, my attitude has changed dramatically. Although I know that I would be okay if we had another baby, I'm content with our family as it is. My kids are older and more independent, and the though of starting over with another baby is just overwhelming to me. I'm so happy with the number of children I have. I know that another child would take my time and attention away from the children I already have. I know that I'm past the childbearing time of my life, and I'm happy with that.

It's amazing what a difference time has made for me.


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## GMum (Apr 25, 2008)

Subing...

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. We are on our 5th loss right now. I am losing hope of ever having another child but I'm not okay with not having more. I'm interested to hear from others too.








to you mama and wishing you peace.


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## BabyA'sMom (Jan 16, 2008)

....


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Can I join you ladies?

My circumstances are a bit different as well. Our loss was our first baby, not our most recent one. We lost our first daughter at 40w back in 2003. We had two healthy children since then, but both pregnancies were high risk and required a perinatal team to get us through them. Luckily, although there was the potential for things to go very badly, they didn't, and everything is okay.

I just turned 40 this past month. I always wanted three living children, but I think I'm going to have to be content with two. My DH is adamant that he is done (and has said so since our son was born). He does not want to go through another high risk pregnancy. We've been through the loss of our daughter and out the other side. We're still living with loss and grief, albeit tempered by six years passing, but it's still there. He feels like trying again is just tempting fate and he doesn't want any part of it. That and he's 43 this year and in his own personal view, he doesn't feel he has the energy for newborns anymore. I feel like time ran out for us as well. Maybe if we were both in our early 30s, we'd have the energy and optimism to tackle a 3rd high risk pregnancy.

Last year was really tough on me, working through the realization that my baby days are done, especially when many of my friends (who are all younger than I am) are having subsequent children. It's not much easier now. I'm slowly coming to terms with it, but that said, I still have infant sized cloth diapers and newborn items stored that I just can't part with yet.

Wishing you all peace and strength mamas. ((HUGS))...it's a tough road.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Before we lost William, I never had a problem getting pg. Even at 38, I got pregnant with him within 3 months of trying. Now, after his stillbirth in April 2009, I've been trying to conceive for almost a year. Two chemical pregnancies later, nada. I'm so frustrated... and just turned forty in January.

I keep wondering if his death and this subsequent difficulty in getting pregnant isn't a message from the universe to just... stop. That we weren't meant to have anymore. That my wish is just a selfish one. (And considering I have four living children, 19, 16, 8 and 7, I couldn't argue with that... so many women here and elsewhere don't even have one baby/child in their lives...)

I don't want to accept. But I have flirted with the idea of stopping. I stopped for two months ("took a break") and found myself coming to terms with stopping for good. Feeling out that idea... what would that be like? Giving away all of William's baby things, selling the crib, repainting his room and turning it into an office...

It breaks my heart to imagine. I don't want to stop. But maybe my wants aren't what's important here? I don't know... I wish I had answers. I wish, for all of us, that there were rainbows instead of a constant, relentless rain...


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I just lost my little baby 2 1/2 weeks ago at 19 weeks. Since then all I can think abt is having another. I posted earlier in this thread abt why I thought I was done and how sad I am abt it. Yesterday I went for a hike with my boys (dh, ds 7, ds5) and it felt so wonderful and almost, for a minute, I felt like I could be OK without another baby. I could move on into the older child years and really travel and backpack and do the things I loved before I had kids.
But then I wake up this morning at noon (I am still physically recovering from my miscarraige and am so tired) and it all comes crashing down again and I think I just HAVE TO try for another baby. But my dh really wants to leave it as it is. He feels very lucky to have 2 healthy boys. But I too have a pile of baby clothes I've been holding onto for years that I just cant let go of. And I just dont know if Ill be abl to let go of this. My 40th birthday is also approaching so I feel like my time is up, and maybe this miscarraige was my sign to just let it go.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Just wanted to check in with you all...sending ((HUGS))

I was at a playdate today with a few new moms. Some days are easier than others, even after 6 years. Today, I was bothered answering the "How many kids do you have?" and "You're going to stop with just two?" I know it's not ill-spirited and they don't know why that pushes my buttons, but for the sake of playgroup, I'm sitting there, keeping the peace, saying, "Yeah, that's it," because I don't want to lay it all out there and give them the full-on story and wreck the mood of the group...

I just think to myself, "Oh, lady, you have no idea": the stress and absolute emotional turmoil we went through--twice!--to have the kids we do and the horror and desolation we went through losing our daughter. No wonder my husband doesn't want to set a foot down that road again. I can't blame him. Many times, I feel the same way.


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