# Why don't people get it?



## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm having a tough day today. I don't understand how people can say the things they do, or not say the things that they don't say. I'm feeling very alone.

My grandmother called, and I haven't talked to her in three months. The last time I talked to her, I was pregnant with Lachlan. I didn't answer my phone at all for the first month or so after Lachlan died, and this is the first time that I've actually talked to her. I used to be very close to my grandmother, and the first thing she asked me was if I was back into work, back to normal and back into things. WHAT?! I said that no, I wasn't back into things, but that my supervisor was OK with that. After that, she talked about my DH's birthday that was coming up, my parents' anniversary, the weather, and she said, "The last time I talked to you, DH was cooking for you. Does he still cook for you?" What the hell? How can she neglect the fact that the last time I talked to her, I was PREGNANT? The whole conversation, she never mentioned that fact that I was pregnant, that I'd given birth, or that I'd lost my baby. She talked about my cousin and her little baby. As soon as she hung up, I broke down crying. I wish I had said something to her. I wish I could tell her that I'm not OK. I find it so hard to put myself out there and be vulnerable.

Nobody ever talks about Lachlan anymore (apart from Dh and you lovely ladies of course). Nobody asks if I'm OK, and actually wants to hear the real answer. It feels like everyone else has moved on, and I'm still here, stuck, mourning my son.

After that, I updated my facebook status to say that I'm missing Lachlan. I got a reply message from an old friend saying that she has so much to say to me, that she can't imagine how much I'm missing Lachlan, and that she just found out she's pregnant. WHAT? How on earth could she think that this is a good time to tell me that she's pregnant. What type of response could she honestly expect to receive from me?

Yeah, so I'm having a tough day.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I have felt this way many days. I'm thinking of you and Lachlan tonight


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I've been going through this for the last year and half. I honestly haven't figured out if people are oblivious, uncomfortable, or just plain self absorbed. I guess all 3, depending on the person or the time. *sigh*

I'm so sorry you're having a tough day









Wishing you peace right now, mama!







for your sweet Lachlan.


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## shibababy (Feb 27, 2003)

I'm sorry, I think some people don't know what to say and are fearful of upsetting you so they try to avoid bringing up things that might make you sad.

It's so hard to know what to say when you have never been there and have never felt that kind of pain. Others try to put things in a little box to keep themselves safe from your hurt and end up hurting you all the more.

I only have one friend that allows me talk about my son as much as i want and she tries to be understanding. Usually she is and she has been such a blessing in that respect, But she just recently asked me if I was going to use my son's name on the next baby. To me, it was like, well the name is still available because no one is using it. I asked her why she didn't give her two sons the same name.

I had another friend that asked me on a Sunday if I was going to work on Monday when my son was born/passed on Saturday. I was speechless. I wanted to ask her if she would go to work right after one of her children's death.

I don't think there will ever be a good time for someone to announce their pregnancy. It hurt me daily to see a co-worker who was pg and then they sent out emails for her baby shower. Luckily by that time I was pg again, but it was so hard for me to see her and think about how lucky she was to be so far along in her pg, but you know what? She had also experienced a loss prior to this pg so how could I be so resentful of her when she had experienced the loss of her child too?

I don't wait for others to talk about my son, if I choose to bring him up, I do. I feel all alone in my mourning, as if I'm the only one that cared about his life. His own father said that he didn't consider him to be a baby (he wasn't there when I delivered, nor did he see him at all afterwards). He only remembers me being pg so the baby wasn't "real" to him.

Now, he acts as if he doesn't know that what he said was hurtful. He apologized, but he doesn't really mean it. Of all people, I would think he would be the one to feel the closest to how I'm feeling.

It's a very lonely place because we all have to grieve in our own way.

I would just talk to others who have experienced this because although others love you very much they just can't possibly understand what it means to live in this new reality. I'm not sure about you, but since my loss, I feel that a whole new world has appeared in front of me and I don't belong in that old world of innocence anymore.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

(((Jules))), I'm so sad to hear that you're having a rough day.







I wish these smiles and cyber hugs could actually do something for you.

i feel desperately alone too. it is heartbreaking to have someone not even acknowledge the fact that you were pregnant last time you spoke/met. it hurts.

please know that i'm thinking of you and lachlan tonight.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Oh man.. don't people realize that saying nothing is so much worse than saying the 'wrong' thing? I think it's the grandmother generation though. My grandma called my mom when I was in the hospital and wanted to talk to me, and I couldn't even say hello.. the tears just wouldn't stop. The first time I saw her was probably a month after Dresden was born, I went to her house.. (I wondered why she didn't come to ME! Why didn't she come to his memorial?) she didn't say anything about him, just kind of acted normal.. but when I left with tears in her eyes, she said I just can't talk yet... and that felt okay for me.. the tears and empathy said it all. She was grieving too, not only for the loss of her great grandson, but for her grandaughter who was endruing such pain. Since then, she hasn't talked about Dresden at all.. and most people haven't. I've learned that if I want to hear his name.. it's gotta be ME first. People are so terrified of what will happen if they bring it up.
I'm not trying to stick up for your grandma, or any other folks who seem to ignore the facts that our babies died. Just hoping that people aren't really that insensitive. sometimes I still wonder what I would say to a friend or relative in my position.. and it's happened to me, but I still don't have the right words.









Big hugs Jules, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fair! People are ready for us to be back to 'normal' so much faster than is possible.. and the truth is, the old normal is GONE.. she aint' comin' back!


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Name the next baby the same thing!? Really? REALLY? Come ON!! *shaking head*

Jules, I'm so sorry no one talks about Lachlan anymore. No one talks about William either. And it's been just three months. Just saying his name makes me feel better.

Remembering Lachlan with you, mama. Such a sweet, precious boy.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Thank you all for your kind words, they help so much. I tend to agree, I do believe that my grandma is thinking of me and grieving with me, and I understand that it is sooo hard to say something to someone who is grieving. I know I've found it difficult in the past myself to say something to a grieving friend, even though I was thinking of her every day. I just wish things were different somehow. I'm so glad I can come here and pour my heart out and be understood. I'm sorry you have all experienced this too.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

There must've been something in the air.......
Yesterday I had almost an identical day. I went to Subway to get the kids some supper, and found out that a woman I know is newly pregnant with her 4th child. It just really, REALLY got to me. I couldn't stop thinking about Freja and how this is all just so UNFAIR. I had a meltdown in bed that night and cried so much..... I told DP that I am afraid that people won't remember Freja..... She is still my daughter and always will be, even if she's not physically here with me. I think sometimes people are really uncomfortable talking about our babies. It really offends me though. It is what I think about more than anything else in the world, and I want people to acknowledge her and my feelings.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Freja is your daughter, and I'm remembering her along with you. It is so unfair. I hope that today is a better day for both of us.

Freja


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge hugs. I'm so sorry. I'm Rebecca Clark from Nebraska on facebook/or search 'cuddlebaby' and friend me


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

((hugs)) Jules. Thank you. I think of you and Lachlan alot. I'm so glad I have met so many wonderful mamas on this board. I hate that we're all going through this, but it helps to know that other people do understand where I'm coming from. Especially on those extra difficult days.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.







Thinking of you and your precious Lachlan.


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