# 10yo daughter completely obsessed with boys



## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

My 10yo DSD is completely obsessed with boys. It has gotten out of hand with one boy at school B. While doing laundry she left a note in her pocket. The note included that B was her boyfriend, they love eachother, that they want to kiss. also a sneeky plan to get invited over to a friends house that he lives close to so they can hang out. I am absolutely floored. There are several more notes in her room. I dont know what in the world to do. She is very easily distracted she is not doing well in school right now. It finally came to a head yesterday when i found a note laying on the floor (she is so careless that or she wants us to find out) that she kissed him, at school (where were the teachers) and a separate note crumpled up talking about how dad and mom almost found out and how much trouble she would be in. she is my step daughter. Which i think complicates this situation. She has lived with me and DP exclusively since she was 5, her mom shows her completely inappropriate things such as twilight when she is with her. im not saying this is to blame but we censor tv and media exposure. i dont know where this is coming from. I need some serious help and advice.

TIA


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Sometimes it just comes from them, truly. I've seen the most conservative families pop-out daughters with boy obsessions at 9 or 10. I've seen families with multiple girls have one who was boy crazy early and one who didn't even go near that realm until 16. Personally, my 15-year-old is just starting to date and she's moving very, very slowly... more like inviting a boy on a family outing as opposed to going out alone. Media has some power and it's good for a parent to pay attention but it's not everything. My DD read Twilight at 11, thought it was total drivel and hasn't even bothered with the movies... it didn't turn her boy crazy for sure.

Since she's boy crazy AND she's getting involved with boys, certainly, it's time to do some serious talking with her about relationships and sex. I'd do what you can to bolster her self-esteem. Make sure she's in activities that build up her own confidence and self-worth. Martial arts can be very empowering and may help her focus her energies a bit. You might want to get to know this boy. Sometimes taking the bloom off a "secret" romance just takes mom and dad being aware of it. It's enough to scare lots of boys that age off.

Talk, talk and more talk.. activities that strengthen her individuality. That's my recommendation.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *whatsnextmom*
> 
> Sometimes it just comes from them, truly. I've seen the most conservative families pop-out daughters with boy obsessions at 9 or 10. I've seen families with multiple girls have one who was boy crazy early and one who didn't even go near that realm until 16. Personally, my 15-year-old is just starting to date and she's moving very, very slowly... more like inviting a boy on a family outing as opposed to going out alone. Media has some power and it's good for a parent to pay attention but it's not everything. My DD read Twilight at 11, thought it was total drivel and hasn't even bothered with the movies... it didn't turn her boy crazy for sure.
> 
> ...


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

None of what you wrote would scare me in the least. That's the age when it all starts - slowly hopefully. Holding hands and even kissing isn't unheard of at that age.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think you should ask how the kiss was and act interested in her crush while also taking her to classes about puberty and having unrelated talks about the families beliefs on things like this. I'd also drop an email to the teacher asking her to have the duty teachers keep a little extra eye on things. Crushes and even kisses are normal and punishing, especially if she expects to be in trouble and doesn't care, is just going to make this something she does to prove she is her own person.

What activities is she in outside of school. If you can get her into something like swimming lessons at the y, dance, a sport, pottery classes, church, etc... it may help her channel her boredom into something she can feel success at.


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

While I think this is probably common, I'm not sure it is developmentally appropriate. It's not something I personally would just sit back and do nothing about and so I understand the urge to do something. I do think we push our (collective) kids towards adopting adult-type relationships long before they are ready.

I also think you can't turn the clock back, and that you need to be careful not to shut down communication, or introduce the idea of shame with respect to her sexuality.

If it were me I would approach this with a combination of information and alternatives. My son went through the OWL program and I highly recommend it. It is a liberal program, so if you hold conservative values around sex and sexuality, the OWL program will not be for you. I loved it because it was based on information but also helped the kids explore their own sense of ethics and the implications of their relationship choices. We appreciated that it was built around the values of respect, inclusiveness and honesty. There are different programs touching on different topics for different ages. You can read more here.

I'd also work hard to create and encourage other interests and passions that can help her develop/maintain a healthy sense of self. I would probably try to make 1/2 of them girls-only the type of programs and to facilitate healthy boy friendships through some of the other activities. Is there an older teen that she looks up to as a role model who may be able to talk to her and more importantly demonstrate how important it is to maintain a sense of self and self respect.

Hang in there!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Callimom*
> I'd also work hard to create and encourage other interests and passions that can help her develop/maintain a healthy sense of self.


Agreed.

Everything you wrote is well within the bounds of normal development even without media input. Attraction is really, really normal. Oddly, it seemed that among my DD's friends, some times the girls with the more strict moms were more interested in boys. I think that going overboard on what you allow and don't allow is a path to being left in the dark about what is going on in your DD's life.

You aren't going to stop her from liking boys.

I also think that finding ways for her to develop into a strong woman will help her over the new few years. Real sports (not sports that are about being pretty), horse back riding, outdoor skills, developing her passions (besides the one for boys). Helping her develop *balance* in her life.

Years ago I asked a mom with several older teens who were doing well what she thought the secret was to keeping them out of trouble, and she said that ones that had an activity that they were really into had a better chance of getting through the storms of sex and drugs. She didn't think it mattered what it was -- anything from music to sports. Just something solid to identify themselves with and spend their time and energy on.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

Maybe this is harder for me because i am several years younger than DH and this is a time in DSD's life that it gets complicated. I really need some advice on how to open up the communication with DSD. Her mom is not very involved and I feel like I dont know how to get this conversation started. It seems silly but you guys are right I am pushing her away and that would be awful. I do feel like there is an appropriate time to like boys and have crushes and that is 10 yo but it's not ok for her to go around kissing or dating them. That is part of our family values and although we are quite liberal in our political and social views I just cant see being OK with this when she is so young. It's a matter of her maturity and knowing what it means to go out or date someone. I suppose you're right it comes down to her needing to have more self confidence. I got the book It's so amazing but I dont know if it's too young for her or silly. I guess some other book suggestions and maybe ways to open lines of communication with her.

Thanks


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

pomplemoose, my dds both really love the American Girl book, The Care And Keeping Of You. It's really perfect for this age and I don't think It's So Amazing (which we also have) is too young for her, either. They're pretty different books, but touch on a few of the same topics. The Care and Keeping of You is all about girls and boys are only mentioned in it incidentally. TCAKY is both practical and empowering. It does go into menstruation, but also includes tips like what to do if you leak at school, and has a lot on just healthy living and growing up. I imagine she's both attracted to boys (dd1, 5th grade, was telling me about a love note that a boy in her class just got, so I would say this is when it starts, too) but also wanting to be more grown up and showing interest in boys is a way of feeling more grown up. Maybe you can spend some time with her doing other grown-up pursuits, like take her to Starbucks for a coffee/hot chocolate date, go shopping for earrings or let her get her ears pierced, etc.

You might look into some girl-centered programs, too. My girls have recently just completed Girls On The Run and they loved it. It's very empowering and uplifting. Doesn't have anything to do with boys, but helps the girls accomplish something and feel good about it. There might be a program starting up near you in the fall. They're taking sign ups now for our area. My 8 yr old is also very interested in our local Girls Rock camps, but we probably won't do that until next year. You might have one near you - not sure where you are in Oregon: http://www.girlsrockcamp.org/ . Anyway, I'd focus on empowering her and helping her to feel grown up in other ways that don't have to do with boys. I think it's fine not to let her date until later, but I think including the boys she's interested in in some group activities (birthday parties, going bowling, etc) could go a long way toward keeping the lines of communication open.


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## katlan78 (May 14, 2012)

My 10yo daughter was the same way.I caught her kissing her ''boyfriend'' in my garage.

I forbade her from seeing him again. Everyone, my husband included said I was over-reacting

and against my wishes allowed her to continue to be ''friends'' with him

last month - now age 12, I walked into her bedroom and caught her performing

oral sex on him. Am I over-reacting now.


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## young-parent (May 14, 2012)

Girls are literally years ahead of boys in this regard, it is just nature taking its course.

By your initial over-reaction, she will now expect you to blow-up at what she feels normal. At 12 she is learning her own body in more depth and detail, her emotions about this boy are new and strong. The fact that she is doing this at home speaks volumes about the comfort she has at home. Though I do agree sex at 12 is too young, it is not outside the normal range for these things. My own parents had a hard time with teen aged sexual relations and I understand now why, but at the same time I am still young enough to remember those new emotions and how strong they were. I promote proper education, teach her about sex, pregnancy and scare her with the truth about STD's and show her how much it costs to raise a single child, if you have multiple children then you have more to show on how the costs multiply. At 12 she is her own person, treat her like a person (still your daughter, but now also a friend). Teach her what she is doing is not wrong, but something that should be saved for when she is older. If you dare, take her to a shelter and show her, have her talk to some of the young moms there and have them put an emphasis on education. They will be more than happy to help talk to your daughter over a cup of coffee (this you may want to offer as a thanks).

There is a great set of books: Whats happening to my body? each is geared to each gender, the book for boys and the book for girls. You might want to pick one up and let her read it at her own pace, then ask her if she understands what is in the book. And remember, if you yell then she wont hear. Calm, quiet, and understanding talks are best and will yield better results. Once the boundary of understanding has been broken your daughter will open up to you as a close friend. You can guide her better from that position than as the mighty over-lord that just ruins everything.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

young parent my daughter is 10 not 12. that makes a huge difference in my mind.katlan- I see where you are coming from my daughter has been way into boys since kindergarten. i spoke calmly with her about this when i found the notes 3 weeks ago. I told her that she needs to think about her self respect about what type of person she wants to be. about the consequences of her actions and how this will affect her for the rest of growing up. I was understanding and told her that it is ok to like boys and have crushes but the lying will not be tolerated. and that when she is older, middle/high school and she likes a boy she will be more than welcome to invite him over to the house to hang out. I do not in any respect believe that at 10 she should be treated like an adult or late teen and leave the decision making up to her. The reason we have parents is to guide us through these uncertain times in life and that is what we will do. Today i got a call from the school saying that she had kissed him again and that another kid told. They gathered all the notes out of her desk and had the school counselor talk with her. She and the boy now have a no contact contract which means if either of them interacts with eachother they will get suspended. DH and I spoke with our daughter tonight about how its confusing and that she needs to focus on schoolwork and how she is behaving in life because its now out of our control and she could really mess things up from here on out. She is grounded for lying to me. I will not put up with being lied to. Also i talked to her about how when you start to fell like you have to lie its probably because what you're doing is not ok. I am still so mad she lied to me. But very glad summer is on its way and she will have to get used to not seeing the boy anymore. this is one of those times when parenting is just plain HARD!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pomplemoose*
> 
> I do not in any respect believe that at 10 she should be treated like an adult or late teen and leave the decision making up to her. The reason we have parents is to guide us through these uncertain times in life and that is what we will do. Today i got a call from the school saying that she had kissed him again and that another kid told. They gathered all the notes out of her desk and had the school counselor talk with her. She and the boy now have a no contact contract which means if either of them interacts with eachother they will get suspended.


Wow, honey, I'm sorry.

I don't envy your position and I don't know exactly what I would do. But kids have parents for a reason -- because they need them. We aren't their friends -- they have other people for that. If we ditch our job as parents to be buddies, that just leave the kid with no parents.

When is her last day of school?


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

Thanks Linda,

This is really hard. the last day of school isn't until june 20. She is grounded for lying to us and the principle. she is very aware of what will happen if she doesnt listen this time. my DH and i have a meeting with her ped next week and are setting up an appt to talk with a child psychologist. There are some other issues, stemming from the small amount of time she spends with her mom, that we just honestly dont know how to address. I hope that we are able to bring back the lovely young girl that we had up until this year. Growing up is just pain hard, for us parents too.

Thanks!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pomplemoose*
> 
> Thanks Linda,
> 
> ...


Holy cow you have a late last day!!!

Does she have any outside school activities that she likes? Does she play a sport? Play a musical instrument? Make art?


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

yes in fact I just got back from taking her to a track meet. I don't feel like with holding sports is a fair move on my part. It is something she enjoys that we want to encourage and she really came out strong tonight. She is beginning to learn guitar and I want to keep getting her involved with things that will occupy her time and that she excels at. We have such a late last day because of bad winter weather and flooding that closed the school. I want to look into a girls on the run program but i don't think it starts til fall. She has been on her best behavior today, which is expected, and brought home some surprisingly good math grades. I hope she just needs to have some stronger boundaries and she will be back to her usual self.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pomplemoose*
> 
> yes in fact I just got back from taking her to a track meet. I don't feel like with holding sports is a fair move on my part. It is something she enjoys that we want to encourage and she really came out strong tonight. She is beginning to learn guitar and I want to keep getting her involved with things that will occupy her time and that she excels at.


I completely agree. I didn't mean to imply withholding anything, but rather to help her find things to do and ways to feel good about herself. Which you are already doing.


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## Alasen (May 13, 2012)

I'm not at this stage with mine, my foster daughter is 10 and shows no interest in boys at all yet, but I am the second oldest of 9 girls 

There's really nothing to be done about it except educate her and make sure she knows she has a safe place with your family and that she can come to you no matter what. Unless there's real sexual acting out, I don't know that putting her in counseling for liking boys is a good idea. It seems like it's more about you not ready for her to grow up. Putting her in counsel ling seems like a punishment and shaming her for what is just natural for her.

My sisters and I had the same parents, same upbringing, all of us had similar social standing. Except for my older sister and I, none of us are far apart, and IMO things haven't changed as much as people like to think when they do the whole "the world today is ___________!" melodrama thing. Same media exposure, most of us were all or mostly homeschooled.

We all hit the boy crazy phase at different ages. For that matter, we all hit puberty at different ages (though we all were later than normal, and probably not interested in boys until later than most kids too), which I think has a lot to do with it. Hormones kicking in and all. I wasn't interested in boys until I was in college, maybe close to 20. My sister who's 4 years younger was interested in boys almost a decade younger than I was. The others, if my recall serves me well, were somewhere in the middle there. 12, 13, mostly. My immediate younger sister was a late bloomer like me, but the rest, total mix bag.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alasen*
> 
> Unless there's real sexual acting out, I don't know that putting her in counseling for liking boys is a good idea. It seems like it's more about you not ready for her to grow up.


The kid is on the verge of being suspended from school for inappropriate sexual behavior. At what point would you consider it "real sexual acting out"?

After the suspension?

There is a massive difference between LIKING boys and being out of control with boys.


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## Alasen (May 13, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I guess that's a distinction that's up to the individual. I hardly classify kissing a boy as "inappropriate sexual behavior," though I admit I find it weird for a 10 year old.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

She just got her toys back in her room after a week of being pretty strictly grounded. She had 2 days of having toys back and 1 day of being able to go outside and play. The condition was that she was not to be watching TV unless explicitly told she could. Today DH, who works late nights and is 2 weeks from his degree, says he woke up at 9 to find her out watching tv with the volume down really low. I work on Saturdays so I wasn't home. This is clearly deception. She knew she wasnt supposed to so she tried to hide it from us. I just dont know what to do. I told her that she just took a huge step back in her punishment and that she could forget about TV for the remainder of the school year. I will still be taking her to the library and we are still reading our family book together. I just dont know how to get through to her. She doesnt respond when i try to talk to her about why she chose to do something, I think she knows she doesnt have any ground to stand on. I got pretty upset and let her know i felt like she was taking advantage of how hard her dad and I work. and she claimed that wasn't what she was doing. I told her that the consequence to her not following the rules and ignoring them was that she was taking advantage of us. She has turned into a completely different kid than she was last year. I am lost.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pomplemoose*
> 
> I got pretty upset and let her know i felt like she was taking advantage of how hard her dad and I work. and she claimed that wasn't what she was doing. I told her that the consequence to her not following the rules and ignoring them was that she was taking advantage of us.


I don't really follow your train of thought here. It sounds like you are making it about you and your DH, and I don't see that.

One of the positive things about a good counselor is getting input from a expert on ways to tweak parenting to better suit a specific child. Counseling is a good option when we are stuck in life, when we can't figure out what makes sense next.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I'm feeling concerned reading about the punishments. Obviously, you'll handle this the way that works for your family, but my two cents is that it's starting to feel very restrictive, and frankly, I don't think you're going to come out winning here. I don't know your situation, but it seems like there should be some emphasis on connection, which is what you'll need to get through adolescence. Yes, she is pushing limits, and she is young for it. The idea of counseling is great because right now it sounds like you're experiencing all of her behavior as a power struggle. Sometimes it isn't. I don't know that escalating the punishment is going to help.

I'd take a step back, hold the line on the really important issue, and get some counseling/support for yourself to help clarify your concerns, get some developmental perspective, and work on a plan.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Why aren't you letting her watch TV? Are you concerned she's seeing something on there that's age-inappropriate and giving her ideas about boys? If so then the solution might be to get some parental controls on the TV or allow her to select from some age appropriate videos if she wakes up first. If you're just punishing her by taking away her TV time I'm afraid that will seem arbitrary and unconnected to her inappropriate behavior with the boy and she may feel it's just plain mean which could cause her to be resentful and less cooperative. If she woke up and no one else was awake she was probably pretty bored. Maybe you could help her find some appropriate solutions to that problem (books, crafts, audio books, etc), so she doesn't turn to the TV. If you really don't like TV you might consider getting rid of it or getting rid of cable.

We have very minimal TV viewing here mainly because I'm concerned about the ads. We also have TiVO with parental controls so if the kids did turn on the TV they could only get to appropriate shows. Our TV set up is pretty complicated (techy DH) and sometimes it's hard for me to even find the program I'm looking for. My kids don't even attempt it. Maybe you could make your TV too complicated to use like ours is







!

We don't really have punishments in our house. We do have consequences. Neither of my girls has shown any interest in boys aside from Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, but if they were to do something like, say, run off with a friend (more likely for my 8 yr old to do this). The consequence would be for my kid to end the playdate if I didn't think she realized the seriousness of the situation and not see the friend for awhile. There wouldn't be grounding (although that wouldn't be inappropriate in this scenario - we just don't do grounding). I would probably accompany her on any outings and explain that I need to know where she is. There would not be a set time for the not seeing the friend to end, but the next time a playdate came up I would reiterate that they needed to stay where an adult knew where they were and if they want to go for a walk they need to let someone know. If they didn't cooperate we'd try some other more contained situation where they couldn't go off on their own for the next playdate.

Maybe your kid responds well to punishments, but I know mine don't. They're much more cooperative if I explain why I don't want them to do something and take into account their feelings and their ideas for solutions to the problem. It's hard for me to imagine either of my girls kissing a boy (I think they'd come closer to eating a worm) but I can take a stab at what I might do in that situation. Have you talked to the boy's parents? If I was feeling brave I might try to arrange a playdate with the boy where I was with them the whole time, like maybe take them bowling. That would show that you respect that she likes him (even as a friend), but your presence would set limits. I'm not sure I'd be that brave though. It would also depend on the other parents.

Have you talked to her about puberty and reproduction, etc? I have been having that conversation with my girls since they were about 4 and 2 and expressed some curiosity. I have also reiterated that I think it's really really hard to be a young teen mom and that it's much easier to be a mom when you have a partner and one or both of you is working so you can afford a house and food and doctor bills. They both agree with that idea.

I agree that she needs more connection if possible.

If it helps at all my DH was kissing his girlfriend in the coat closet when he was 7 and he was not at all promiscuous kid/teen, not sexually active at a young age, and is a super responsible great guy. It was also not a big deal and he didn't get in big trouble about it nor did the girl. I would put the emphasis not on her as being bad and slutty (not at all saying you are saying or even meaning to imply this, but I am definitely getting a "sexually inappropriate" vibe from this thread) but instead on what behavior would be appropriate for her. Doing her schoolwork springs to mind! Suppose there was no kissing going on, but this was just a bunch of note-passing and whispering with a girlfriend and not concentrating on what she needs to be doing. What would you do then? I'd be telling my kids that it's distracting for her and for the other girl and they need to do their schoolwork and I know school is almost out, but it's not over yet. I might suggest that they play together at recess, but not play during class.

Remember the old "don't think about an elephant" adage. If I say "don't think about an elephant" what image springs to mind? An elephant. If instead I say what I do want you to think about, "think about a bunny" it's much easier to DO think about that than it is to DON'T think about the other. So, I'd tell her that her behavior at school is interfering with what she DOES need to do and put the emphasis on what she CAN DO and what she SHOULD DO. I think the "no contact contract" was overkill and will now make contact with the boy even more tempting forbidden fruit. I would have hoped for more emphasis on what they could do (talk, swing on the swings, play on the play structure) rather than what they can't do (talk to each other at all apparently).

I would play it cool. Kids like to be sneaky sometimes. We just went on a weekend trip over Memorial Day and my dd2 tried to sneak about 6 Jolly Ranchers into a "candy stash" she didn't want me to know about. I found out accidentally and she confessed in tears. I told her it was no big deal and she was welcome to take them. If I made a big deal about it she would have been even more obsessed with candy and sneakier next time. As it was between 4 girls on the trip they still didn't even eat all of them.

I would be more concerned about her lying (about the TV, about the notes, about the boy), but I would just ask her to tell you and then not over-react and make her feel like she has to sneak. Oh, you were bored when you woke up and didn't know what to do? Well, dad and I didn't want you watching TV without us because there really are just some bad, stupid and inappropriate shows on and we wanted to help you find a good one you'd like. Let's see if we can figure out some other things you can do when you're bored instead.

Basically you want to let her know that she doesn't need to lie and sneak around behind your back. If she gets punished when she gets caught you're just teaching her to be sneakier so she doesn't get caught next time. If the two of you work out a mutually agreeable solution to her problem (not you giving in and letting her do something you think she shouldn't) then she will view you as someone she can go to when she has a problem.

This works for kissing the boy, too, and the notes. "Hey, I found these notes. It sounds like you really like B. What do you like about him? Does he like Harry Potter, too? Is he into art? Just let me know if you want to invite him over sometime and we can all go do something fun like bowling together, or maybe go to the pool, or to the park. I don't think you should kiss him, though. That's very distracting at school for the other kids. Maybe holding hands is okay with the teacher, though. Let's find out."

But now it's a BIG FAT DEAL and it's her and the boy versus the school and the parents. That power struggle dichotomy is a lose-lose situation. Try to get back to being on her team and not her adversary. Work collaboratively to solve the problems. If it's TV when she's not supposed to do TV and the only other thing she has to do is read a book she hates (just an example) that's not a good solution to the boredom problem. She needs some input and she needs her input to be taken seriously, but her input isn't the only input ("TV is the only thing that'll keep me from being bored"). The solution has to be mutually agreeable. You're looking for middle ground here. She doesn't get to call all the shots and you don't get to call all the shots. You each take the other's ideas under consideration and of course the adult gets the final say, but sometimes the kid's solutions are fine.


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## gonzaleskatie11 (Jan 16, 2012)

.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The kid is on the verge of being suspended from school for inappropriate sexual behavior. At what point would you consider it "real sexual acting out"?
> 
> ...


I don't know. A kiss at 10 doesn't seem really out of control or like sexually acting out to me. Am I the only one here who had their first kiss at 10? Well I did, and I was totally crazy over him, thought about him all.the.time! But we had a couple of kisses and that was pretty much that until I had my second experience with a boy five long years later. My memory of it is very sweet and I'm happy that it happened and can not imagine what it would have been like to be grounded over it or told that it was somehow terrible.

I am really shocked that the school would act as strongly as they have. I wonder if that's like how when I was 11 it was totally normal to be dropped off at the mall and hang out with my friends all day but now people just don't do that. Maybe this is how things are done these days? But when I was 10, I doubt anyone at school would have cared about a little kiss on the playground. I don't remember seeing that happening in 5th grade, but by 6th grade there was some kissing going on (not me of course, because I had already had my big moment) at school and fairly openly, like in the hallway between classes and the like. And it wasn't anything anyone worried about getting into trouble for. And in 6th grade there were parties at private homes that were basically make-out parties. I'm not saying this is ideal and that I'd feel super comfortable with my child being caught up in it, but I absolutely think its normal for a 10 year old girl to be thinking about boys.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm worried the level of punishment for what happened is so out of bounds that the lesson she's going to get is that she needs to sneak around you, not that you and your dh and she are all on the same team. If she does learn that the way to get through life is to be sneaky, then you will lose all control within a few years.

It's easy to get into a situation and punish, and when that punishment doesn't work to make the punishment more harsh, and when that punishment doens't work to make it yet more harsh, etc., rather than considering that the punishment might just not be working for this problem at all, and that making it harsher isn't going to make it work better.

Her turning on the tv really low makes me wonder if that's how she's problem solving at this point, and if that's her survival technique, when her hormones get even more into overdrive, you could have real problems. My parents did this same stuff with me, and I learned to make them think I was following all their rules, but I got very very good at sneaking around behind them. I think you can imagine what kinds of things I got up to.

If this were in my family (and I have a boy crazy 10-year-old girl, though I don't think she's kissed anyone at this point), if she had kissed a boy and it appeard to be a problem, I'd try to connect more with her, make sure she told me everything that happened in any interactions with boys, and I'd keep her having a lot of fun without that boy. The end lesson is that there is so much more to life than boys, but what she's learning is that everything that doesn't involve boys is really boring and restrictive.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

rubidoux, I didn't have my first kiss at 10, but like I said my DH had a "girlfriend" at 7. He still talks about her as his first girlfriend and they did kiss. It was all very innocent, though. I also remember a girl in first or second grade, Lee-Ann, running around the tables after Joe. My dd2 had a little friend in K who had crush on a boy, Isaac, in her class and as I said up thread, my dd1 (11) has a boy classmate who received an anonymous love note. There's lotsa love going around in elementary school.

I really think making a big deal out of it is going to make it a mountain out of a mole hill. A kiss when a kid is 10 is developmentally appropriate in my book, even a kiss on the lips, (though probably not ...um... "French" kissing). I'm sorry the school has come down so harshly on them and I hope the parents of both kids can find a way to connect with the kids.


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## marlne (Mar 15, 2006)

I wish you the best of luck, girls are just not easy at times. (atleast seems like such for me. )

I think you may be onto something with keeping her busy with activities. Maybe pickign up some fun activities to do during the summer with a bunch of other girls would be great for her. My older girl was more boy crazy as well but didn't start until around 12.

We found that it helped quite a bit to get her involved with several activities. She loved soccer, dance, and cheer and those seemed to keep her pretty busy but then we moved after a couple years and she lost interest in any activites unfortunately. Again, I wish you lots of luck! Hang in there.


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## marlne (Mar 15, 2006)

I am gonna share here about me.. I was boy crazy myself when younger.. By age 10, I too had kissed a boy and we were actually making out at times the older we got. My family and his family were very close and in fact, we would always have sleep overs as well. The furthest we got, which was a big deal back then, was him putting his hand on my back during the kiss. I didn't know much about what we were doing and never had any kind of clue that you could go "further." I do know that my dad had walked in on us when we were in my room under a make shift tent but nothing was ever said. For the boy and myself over time, we just remained friends, and nothing further ever happened. I think we just got bored of the kissing and had more fun swimming and riding our bikes.

When we got a little bit older and a new boy moved on our street, he had quite a bit more "experience" and started telling us girls more of what a boy and girl could actually do. Now that boy, needed to be away from us girls and he was just plain gross in all he said and in all he asked us to do with him. He was the type who was sneaky, trying to get us to lie and sneak to his house and I am thankful that us girls on our street didn't like him.

If I was going through this again with a young daughter, I think I would think about keeping her away from the boy really, not because she kissed him, but because he seems to be trying to influence her in the wrong direction such as telling her to sneak and lie. I'd let her know that its not good to sneak and lie because if something happened to her while she snuck away, how would you know even where to start in looking for her if she really needed you.

Getting her involved with activities to keep her busy may be wonderful for everyone. No punishing needed and she may like the positive influences the activities will be. My younger daughter has thrived with all the activities and kept them up for quite some time.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I think that making out at school at any age is a big deal, and doing it repeatedly after getting in trouble for it is a sign of a problem.

For those that feel the school over reacted, I'm curious what you think schools should do when children are busy doing their best to sneak off and make out, and at exactly what point you feel the parents should be brought into the loop.

Part of the problem with blowing off this behavior as not being a big deal at school is drawing the line about exactly where the line is. Because of how difficult it is to draw that line, I can see schools draw it where they do -- keep you hands and lips and all other body parts to yourself at school.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Linda, I'm pretty sure the OP never said they "made out". That has a connotation of really heavy kissing and groping to me.

Quote: pomplemoose


> The note included that B was her boyfriend, they love eachother, that they want to kiss. also a sneeky plan to get invited over to a friends house that he lives close to so they can hang out.


Note that she says the plan is so they can HANG out not make out.

There's no indication from the OP that the kissing is any more than a peck on the check or a peck on the lips. In fact, in the OP's first post there's mention of 1 kiss that actually happened and that they "want to kiss". In post #12 the OP says they had a second kiss at school and were caught and then had to do the no contact contract or suspension. So all we have to go on is notes that they want to kiss and two instances where they were kissing that we know about (one because she found a note that said they kissed, and one because another child told on them-there's no instance of an adult actually seeing them kiss).

Quote: pomplemoose


> Today i got a call from the school saying that she had kissed him again and that another kid told. They gathered all the notes out of her desk and had the school counselor talk with her. She and the boy now have a no contact contract which means if either of them interacts with eachother they will get suspended.


I'm not at all getting that they "are busy doing their best to sneak off and make out". I'm getting that the OP's dd likes to write notes a lot, but I'm not sure that writing about a "big plan" is the same as trying to implement the big plan. The OP doesn't say that her dd did get invited over to a friend's house and hang out with the boy. I think she could be fantasizing this completely. I mean, obviously she likes the boy, and kissed him, but if she wrote a note about running away to Vegas to marry him that doesn't mean it's going to happen or even that she's trying to make it happen. I think it's fine to call her on it, but I'd do it in a collaborative way -- "Hey, I found these notes on the floor. Sounds like you really like B. If you want to hang out, you don't have to sneak, though. Let's invite him over for supper."

And I'm not at all getting any idea of how involved the boy is in all this. We have a bunch of notes that she wrote. To whom? The boy? A girlfriend? Herself as a kind of diary? We don't have any notes that the boy wrote. We don't have any indication at all of his involvement other than they kissed. He may be at the water fountain or the swings and she comes up and plants one on him and another kid sees and tells. Or he may be wooing her into the playhouse and sneaking away with her. We really don't have any details on that.

I get that the OP is incredibly concerned and worried for her daughter and that the school is making a really big deal about it, but I'm not clear at all that it is a really big deal. It could be, but the details aren't here in this thread.

If two kids are really sexually acting out (say, taking off their clothes, or really groping each other, or really passionately kissing each other) I think something should certainly be said to the parents and the kids and some action taken. I am not clear that that is what happened in this instance, though. I don't know how the school can be clear about that either since what we have is #1 a note that said that they kissed and #2 another child telling on them. It's possible that an adult saw the second kiss (that they were still kissing by the time the child who told on them got the teacher's attention), but the OP never says that, so we have no way of knowing what it looked like from a reliable source, and certainly the OP didn't see the kissing.

Quote: Linda on the move


> I can see schools draw it (the line) where they do -- keep you hands and lips and all other body parts to yourself at school.


But they don't! At my kids' public elementary school kids interact physically all the time at recess, work collaboratively on projects, etc. Kids walk into school arm in arm and hand in hand both girls and girls, boys and boys, and girls and boys. I'm fine with them saying no kissing at school, but an innocent peck on the lips is far better in my book than hitting and kicking and shoving which certainly happens plenty in elementary school. A peck on the cheek or lips is not something to threaten suspension over unless perhaps it was bullying behavior. Certainly it should be corrected, but in the same manner that you might correct a child who played with another child a little bit too roughly (not a fight, which is another kettle of fish entirely).

ETA: I think that some of us on this thread (me initially, and maybe some others) are picking up on the OP's obvious concern and distress and may be guilty of jumping to conclusions about the behavior and that's coloring our reactions. It's really unclear how passionate/age-inappropriate or how innocent the behavior may or may not have been. It's clear that it may be causing the dd some distraction and her school work may suffer, but that could certainly happen with girl note-passing and gossip, too.


__
https://flic.kr/p/8413524

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_5_4276TKuz0/SwPDKaZGp4I/AAAAAAAABDw/ez72GvfmZsc/s1600/kiss.jpg


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

...

(deleted double post)


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beanma*
> 
> Linda, I'm pretty sure the OP never said they "made out". That has a connotation of really heavy kissing and groping to me.
> 
> There's no indication from the OP that the kissing is any more than a peck on the check or a peck on the lips


There's also no indication that it was just a peck, either on the lips or the check.

I can see why schools draw the line the way the do, and I'm surprised that other parents don't.

Yesterday I dropped my 14 year old off at an academic camp on a university campus. The kids are staying in the dorms, and it's a co-ed program. They had a one hour orientation that parents had to stay for that went over rules and safety. One thing that was made very clear is that if kids are visiting the room of a another participant who happens to be the opposite gender, the door MUST remain open. If this rule is broken, the parents are immediately called and both kids are sent home. They don't even have to be touching.

In a group situation where adults are legally and ethically responsible for other people's children, the rules are pretty tight and the line may be more extreme than some of us would draw for our own kids.

There is a MASSIVE difference between two kids bumping into each other while working together or holding hands while skipping or other casual contact and ANT contact that is sexual in nature (if that is boy/girl stuff or same sex stuff).


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> I am really shocked that the school would act as strongly as they have.


Schools are covering their hind-ends from law suits. It wouldn't be inconceivable that the boyfriend's parents could give the school heck for not protecting their son from sexual harassment. Or they could angrily confront the girl's father and mother. It's ridiculous, but stuff like this happens.


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## nerdmomma6885 (Oct 25, 2011)

Talk about ridiculous lawsuits... my DD's school is having issues with parents threatening to sue over their kids not being able to go on end of year trip because of bad grades, misbehavior, etc.

Sorry to go off on a tangent there, but anyway...

I had a crush on a boy when I was five, and he liked me back. We never got beyond holding hands and proposing to each other- my "boyfriend" actually gave me this ring of his mom's to wear to show off our love to each other. It stopped, though. My parents thought it was absolutely hilarious seeing five-year-olds proposing to each other on the playground and they did strongly advise us against marrying, as we didn't have any money or a house to live in, etc. to support our marriage. We broke it off when I pushed him too hard on the swing and he fell off, so he got mad and the relationship basically went kaput after that. He did kiss me on the lips ONCE, but I hated how it felt, so we never repeated the action. The funny thing is that as an adult we are STILL friends, and that as a teenager, I actually despised him! I guess what I'm saying is to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Kids of all different ages have romantic feelings, but they usually don't act on them sexually. And your daughter's only ten- it probably won't be a serious relationship, and it won't last long. Of course, it probably helped that we were friends LONG before we had certain feelings for each other, so our parents knew each other quite well and talked to each other about our relationships. Of course, if the boy is encouraging her to go further than that, then certainly get involved. Still, have a talk with your child about sex, pregnancy, dating, how love is portrayed in the media, etc. That way she knows the boundaries of what's appropriate and what's not. have a talk with her about what she wants- does she picture having a wonderful relationship with this guy? And ask her for her honest opinion of this boy. If she says that he is simply cute or something like that, tell her to look a little deeper- does he make her laugh? Is he nice? Does he help her with homework? If so, then I would consider encouraging her to continue to see him- with parents present, of course. And also get face to face (or call her at least) with her mom- explain that you are concerned that the things she watches at home with her is making her act on those feelings. I'm sure that you can figure out a common theme so that your daughter is not seeing conflicting traditions and rules at either home.

As for the groundings and things like that- yes, punish her for lying, but let's try having you explain to her this way:

"honey, I wish you hadn't lied to me. I could have helped you figure out what to do when you're bored, if only you asked. I felt really hurt. I felt hurt like as if I'd told you we had ice cream, and you got all excited, but it turned out that there's no ice cream. You'd feel awful, right? That's how I felt. I'm trying to protect you from watching bad things on T.V., but you're making this hard to do."

Then have a discussion about how being sneaky and lying can hurt people, and then solve the problem by brainstorming possibilities of other things she can do when she's bored, or tempted to lie or be sneaky, etc.

I know this is long and kind of confusing, but do you get what I'm trying to say?


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

just wanted to come back and answer some questions. it was more than a peck on the cheek, it was several lip kisses which doesn't perticularly matter. the notes were very involved with him using inappropriate language such as sexy and hot. recently the boy was caught taking off his clothes at recess and trying to get my dd to ask another girl to strip dance at recess. dd didnt seem to be involved but the principle called and said she was being cooperative. I asked that he was to be placed in a different class from her next year. She has been pretty good but yesterday on my birthday i was extremely ill throwing up. DS got sick at school also so we were both home quite ill. DD was going on a field trip today and I specifically told her no electronics on the bus, she used the time i was in the bathroom throwing up to get her Nintendo ds out of the closet and put it in her backpack. after a long night of being sick i got up early because she really needs new shoes and i was going to drive her to school(instead of taking the bus) and get some shoes, i look in her backpack to put her lunch in and there's the ds. i dont understand why she takes advantage of my already crappy birthday to lie and sneak a toy she knew she wasn't allowed to take to school .Im so exhausted and its finals week of DH's senior year of college so i dont want to bug him with this right now and DS is sill puking and im just exhaused. I dont ge why she is constantly pushing us lately i dont even know if i have the energy to deal with any of this right now.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

She takes advantage because she is a child and at an age where she thinks she that she knows enough to make her own rules. My dd is nine, not into boys, and has done hee fair share of this lately. Obviously the DS needs to be confiscated, and other electronic devices that are portable for a while, but try not to take this so personally because it is not about you. It sounds like you take her normal behavior as a personal attack and insult and I really hope you try to work past that. I have heard it is a common stepparent thing to do, my own stepdad did it, but it only creates a distance and resentment. If you can find a way to give her other ways to make decisions that seem big to her it may help with the sneakiness, it has helped my dd to some extent.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I'm so sorry you were ill! It just makes everything 10 times harder to deal with.

Quote:


> i dont understand why she takes advantage of my already crappy birthday


One Girl is right, it's not personal. She didn't take advantage of you, at least not consciously. I know when I was 10 y.o. I took my mom for granted for the most part.


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## suzzymurphy (Jun 25, 2012)

everything is sexualized and it is put that way to make us feel like we fit in this world, that we are part of this because we are involved in someway, because we dress, talk, watch, play in these roles. it is all part of the control. we are part of the sexualization so we fit in. good sheep tactics.

my daughter is starting to show an interest in boys she is nearly nine, this is far too soon for my liking but that is the society we live in, so you either wise them up and let them no the facts earlier or you leave them finding their own way. its quite innocent at the moment but its there. also there are many cultures where this happens earlier and these cultures are very wise and loving and take care of each other their enviroment and future generations, which is more than i can say for ours.

educating our young is so important, educating them is spending time with them letting them no that each creature on this earth is just as important if not more, because creating another human means more consuming as we take more than we ever give back.


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

I have a 10-year-old boy and there are definitely kids in his class who sneak away during recess and kiss behind the PE building. There was one unfortunate girl who did most of the kissing, with a line of boys trying to kiss her. They all got caught and were no longer allowed free reign of the playground. But I know most of the kids involved and they're all basically good kids who were just experimenting, and who needed help setting limits.

Personally, I don't think a kiss or even a crush is that big of a deal at this age. But I would be concerned if my 10-year-old was only interested in the opposite sex. While my son has had a crush on a certain girl for going on two years, he's also very into several sports, music, and has a handful of good buddies he does activites with. At this age, I feel they need to be exploring and developing a wide variety of interests. Sounds like you're on the right track with sports and music for your dd.

The one thing I'm concerned about in your situation is all the punishment. It sounds like the school is handling things as they see fit (and it sounds a tad bit extreme to me), so I think you need to back off on the punishment at home and instead foster your relationship. I can see how you need to give your dd a consequence for lying, but you need to quickly move past that.. Taking away media for the rest of the school year seems out of proportion to her "crime," and I don't think it will bring you the outcome you're looking for. I think instead, you might want to think about how you want this to resolve (better communication with your dd?) and pursue activities that foster the outcome you're looking for.

If you also want her to forget the boy, how about a lot of fun summer camps or afterschool activities that don't involve him?

Regardless, I would really try to avoid setting up this conflict as a "you win/ she loses" scenario. Instead, I would try to help her understand appropriate behavior, while still validating her feelings. I would also make sure you let her know that you have faith in her and that your high standards are because you know she's worth it and it responsible enough to deal with those expectations.


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