# I think my 4yo was sexually abused UPDATE



## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

Last night we were in bed (mom, dad, 1.5 yo ds and almost 4 yo dd) and having a safety talk. We have been having the "special parts" talk since much younger, and have always instilled no one but mommy/daddy or she should touch her vulva, bottom, or put anything in her vagina.

We first talked about how grown ups shouldn't ask other grown ups for help and asked her what she would do if someone she didn't know told her they lost their puppy and asked her to help look for it. She said she would tell him that she had to go get her dad and they would all look together. Then I asked her what she would do if someone tried to pick her up and take her away. She said she would hit them and scream. I told her she could bite them and poke their eyes and kick and yell. I told her to say "that's not my daddy/mommy!", "FIRE", etc.

She then said something to the effect of, "if he puts his penis in my mouth/face again I will bite it."

So I said, "no one should ever put their penis near your face. You should never see anyone's penis except dad or evan." Have you seen anyone elses penis? She said she had seen A's penis when he peed in her mouth. (A is a former neighbor). I asked about other people and she said no to everyone else except this man and son.

Dad reacted quite a bit with a surprised and angry face, but I remained matter of fact and put a hand up to dh and reminded him we were just talking and not to react.

I asked her when this happened, and she told me "when I was a baby" (which in bella's mind could be last week). She said she was in the hallway and he came up for work. He was going to try to kill her and she ran in the house and tried to lock the door but he banged on it so she ran into our bedroom and hid in the corner. He came in and his penis was "long long long" and he peed in my mouth.

I asked her where J was (A's wife) and she said downstairs with her kids. Another time she said she was away for the week. I asked her where mommy/daddy/evan were and she said "nowhere".

She started to get very scared and wanted to nurse and hide between dh and I. She kept looking frightfully at our bedroom door. That was the end of last night.

Today, I asked her if she remembered what she told me last night. She did and I asked her if she remembered what color the pee was and she said it was white and gray, not yellow like daddy's pee. I asked her to remind me what A looked like and she did it pretty well. We haven't seen these people since July.

I am having a really hard time piecing this together and determining what is fact and what is fiction. To my recollection there was never a time when she was left alone with this man. Whenver she went down to play, I'm pretty sure both parents were home, and we were always right upstairs. We played regularly with them, had each other over for dinner, etc.

There was a time when J (mom) went out of town for a week, but they were never in my home when I wasn't there. She may have gone down once during this time to play for a short period.

There was also a time when J was away that I was watching her two younger children. Her DS is 3 weeks younger than my dd. At one point, I found my dd and her ds in our bedroom and they were naked. Bella told me they were pretending there was no bathroom and they peed on the floor, she by the door, him in the corner (that was a whole other conversation!).

Having been abused myself, I am near vomitting and collapse about this. I am remaining very calm and matter of fact to her, but inside I am dying. How do I figure this out. What is my next step?


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

That is really scary and awful! I don't have any advice. Just a


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

I don't know how your relationship is with your ped, but that would be my first phone call. Talk to him/her about it and then hopefully get a referral for a child psychologist.
I would definitely be alarmed.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollineeba* 








I don't know how your relationship is with your ped, but that would be my first phone call. Talk to him/her about it and then hopefully get a referral for a child psychologist.
I would definitely be alarmed.

This. The details she has been able to provide are far too vivid and accurate to be able to brush this off as a bad dream.

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

She probably doesn't remember the details correctly. She may be combining several occasions together into one. So, don't take everything she says as factual.

I had a student who was playing the "ooh gross" game with other students. "ooh gross" was a game where they made up gross stories and everyone would say "ooh gross" and then laugh. But when Tom told his story, he said "My Dad put his wiener in my mouth and peed". I jumped right into that converstation... I played "ooh gross' with them. I didn't make it seem like it was wrong, I just wanted to play too. The more he told, the more It became obvious that he was telling at least a partial truth.

When we narrowed the whole story down. (parents, teachers, etc) His teenage cousin molested Tom. (not dad) They went to California for a vacation, and the cousin seemed to like hanging out with Tom. So, nobody gave it a second thought, and even let the cousin give Tom a bath. They were all in a hotel, so Tom and the cousin shared a double bed. The cousin was molesting Tom right in front of the adults, and nobody ever knew.

He gave the same physical details as you daughter. But, he was confused about some of the times and places, and he didn't really want to say it was cousin, so he said it was Dad.


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## onelittleone (May 3, 2008)

I am so sorry for you and your child. Please seek a therapist for your family and your daughter. I can't help but wonder if that time you found the 2 kids naked in your room - if HE was hiding in the room somewhere. Seriously consider filing charges against this man. As uncomfortable as that is - he will probably do it again to someone else or his own children. This incident/s will affect her forever, as you already know. It may help her when she is older to know that you all did something about it in a legal sense. If she is given the emotional tools now to make sense of it and heal --- that will allow her to continue to be a child and grow beautifully. Forgive yourself. You can't change the past ... just make sure the future is as bright as can be. I think that there will be healing for you as well through this process. I am so so so sorry this happened. I will keep you guys in positive healing thoughts.


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## rahans (Feb 29, 2008)

Hugs to you. With all the details she has given you, I believe this has to be true. She has provided very accurate details to you - I would not doubt anything she has told you. I would probably start with your pediatrician too - they should be able to point you in the right direction. I'm remembering one of the Q&A we had at a safety class last week: Q - If a child comes to you and tells you they were molested/abused, are they telling the truth? A - YES.


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## ktbug (Jul 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rahans* 
Q - If a child comes to you and tells you they were molested/abused, are they telling the truth? A - YES.



























please, call your child's hcp as soon as possible, and please consider pressing charges.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Remember not to ask too many questions about it (or let anyone else), so that she doesn't get her story any more confused before she can talk to someone who specializes in getting children's statements in case you decide to press charges.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Do you guys have a ped right now who could refer you to someone? I know our neighbor saw a counselor nearby when they had similar issues. I could get that number if you want.

Call me if you need to talk.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

I don't have any advice, just couldn't read and not post







to you mama and your little girl. I'm so so sorry--I'm glad she has you who listens to her & takes care of her.


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## frostysarah (Nov 24, 2006)

You've gotten some good advice. Talk to a doctor and get a referral, both to help you and your daughter work through this and to get the story straight. Also ask if your doctor would recommend a physical exam.

I am so so very sorry this happened.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

oh mama i'm crying for her and you. i am so very sorry that this has happened to her.


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

How terrible. I'm so sorry you and your dd are having to deal with this. Hopefully she is young enough that it won't affect her later in life.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I hope you get to the bottom of this. FWIW, the way you've handled this so far is nothing short of incredible. You're a strong woman! Prayers for you and your daughter...


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

I am so sorry this has happened. I will be thinking of your family and your daughter. Stay strong.


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

press charges! and i suggest talking to your daughter and getting your conversation on tape just in case she's frightened about talking to others about what has happened.

i'm very sorry u have to go through this.


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## Aubergine68 (Jan 25, 2008)

I felt horrified and sick to my stomach just reading the details you posted; I can only imagine what you and your dh are going through.

You've done an amazing job communicating about these issues with your dd so she was able to understand and communicate about what happened. Not to mention keeping as calm as you have with your dd so as not to scare her further.

I think you've gotten great advice, and I can't add anything to it, but had to post in support. Please let us know what happens


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I think you need to take your sweet dd to her dr. I also think you need to press charges.
I am so sorry this happened.


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## leafwood (Jun 15, 2004)

nak
i'm so sorry, but i am so glad that your daughter trusted you and telling you....and it's great that you are listening and trusting her. this is how you protect her and teach her to protect and respect herself.

yes call your ped. yes take this seriously. make sure you find a child psychologist with particular training in this area....better yet if you have a children's hospital nearby they sometimes have staff who will do one single sexual abuse evaluation to prevent multiple questioing and more trauma for your dd. if you choose to involve the authorities that evaluation will be shared with them as evidence. i would also suggest that you and your dh seek some cousneling as well, especially based on your history.

i'm so sorry this went on, but again, the fact that your little one told you is so important.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 









I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Do you guys have a ped right now who could refer you to someone? I know our neighbor saw a counselor nearby when they had similar issues. I could get that number if you want.

Call me if you need to talk.

PM me the number. I called our old HCP and am waiting on a call back monday when they get to the office with names and numbers.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frostysarah* 
You've gotten some good advice. Talk to a doctor and get a referral, both to help you and your daughter work through this and to get the story straight. Also ask if your doctor would recommend a physical exam.

I am so so very sorry this happened.

I doubt a physical exam would be helpful at this point. As far as I can tell, no one touched her, and this man moved out in July. I guess with the previous posters comment about mixing up cousin and dad or whatever may change my mind. It may have been someone else, right?


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

When I read this I felt sick to my stomach and so sorry for your DD and your family. She needs to go to counseling ASAP.

This family needs to be found and charges need to be pressed on the person who did this.

You are being much more calm than I would, I would be dangerously upset(I don't even know what my DH would be like).


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

I think a doctors visit would still be in order. If she was in contact with fluids, then she way need to be tested. I feel so horrible to even have to be typing this. I am so sorry.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

After reading the replies here, I went to my dads house to use the phone and call our old HCP. We've been uninsured for a while since DH got laid off in march. We've been seeing them as cash patients, but got state assistance and they don't accept the plans. We have a new HCP, but haven't seen them and I dont' know them. Anyway, the NP on call has seen bella and I, so I was grateful it was someone that knew us. She listened to me and asked a few questions, and said to see a child psychologist next. When I said, I dont' want to freak out and go on the attack to any one person because we don't know if it's true. She said, Trisha... you don't know that it isn't true. IT's wierd because a little while ago, I was wondering if someone could be doing something to her, and he NEVER crossed my radar. DH and I have both read the gift of fear and protecting the gift. I'm dying inside but somehow holding myself together on the outside. I was abused by a family member, a friend of my parents and countless boyfriends inclluding date rape. I have prayed she would be above this, that I would be able to save her from this.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
Having been abused myself, I am near vomitting and collapse about this. I am remaining very calm and matter of fact to her, but inside I am dying. How do I figure this out. What is my next step?

First:







. That's it. Lots and lots of







because this is waaay not cool.

Next: Therapy. For both of you. Stop questioning her, just get her to therapy and let the therapist handle it.


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## momof4peppers (May 31, 2005)

s


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Definitely stop questioning her. If you are able to press charges, you don't want to "contaminate" her story. Leave it up to the professionals now.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

Yes; don't bring it up again until you get her linked up with a therapist. I hope you and your family sort this out quickly and get her the help she needs.


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## sunnykbird (Jul 12, 2008)

if your child isn't prone to just getting naked with strangers perhaps it was the little boy who coaxed her to undress, which leads me to beleive that the son was also being abused. Little abused kids often act out on other kids because they don't know what is right and wrong.
If it was a one time offense - then I wouldn't make a big deal to you daughter about it. I know that sounds crazy, but often times little kids don't know the difference between bathing together or anything sexual...it's all just nakedness.
I would talk to her doctor (out of earshot of DD). My dear friend was a rape counselor for children and women and said that children heal (physically) from abuse VERY fast that if this incident happened back in July there would be no physical signs.And continue to go over the rules about what do do when a stranger does that...(like you did the night you found out about all this).
I would DEFINITLY let authorities know about this and CHILD services, they may want to pay a visit to this family if it was the father doing the molesting.
I AM SOO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOUR DAUGHTER. My prayers go out to her little soul.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I just couldn't read and not







.


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

I'm so sorry, mama. My heart is aching for you and your LO. Please get her some professional help, soon, from a provider who is experienced with these types of cases. They should be able to advise you on the best course of action, legal and otherwise.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I'm so very sorry that your daughter has gone through that. I hope you get some answers and therapy for your family.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

We have stopped talking about it. I'm grateful to the consensus here though. It makes my decisions that much easier.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)




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## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

How is DH handling all this?


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## triple07 (Feb 2, 2008)

Oh my gosh mama, please contact her ped or a rape/abuse councelor asap!!! So many







s to you and your dd. I hope that you can get this figured out as soon as possible and get this guy arrested!!!!


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

No advice to add. You sound like an amazing mama and are handling things very well in a terrifying situation. Your DD and your family are in my thoughts & prayers right now.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

also keep an eye out for her dreams. if she tells you. snakes in dreams is a big indication of sexual abuse.

i am lost for words. i dont know what to say except that i am v. v. sorry. i was raped as a 5 year old and that in any form happening to my dd is my biggest nightmare.

in a sad way your past experience will help you really be able to support your dd, like you did when u stopped ur dh make a big deal out of it.

i sure hope you get the help you need. to me him chasing her and saying he will kill her (even 5 paces fast walking towards her she would probably see as chasing) is as worse as the crime itself.

i hope all of you can heal from this and both you and your husband are able to forgive yourself and not carry the guilt for the rest of your life.

yeah i have this conversation once in a while with my dd too.


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## BirthWithFaith (Dec 16, 2007)

It's hard not to think of the worst case scenario.

Maybe it was the nake incident she is recalling. Maybe it was the 4 y/o pal that put his "penis in her face". ??

Maybe it was the adult. ??

You may never find out.

I've had my own personal history with this subject and let me just say no matter what in life don't ever leave her alone with a male or a couple that you aren't sure about or even a male family member or neighbor that is a few years older. There are people that are so desperate to get a fix or hormonal 13 year olds or 16 year olds left alone with cute little girls thinking they can get something from that.

As much as it is appalling to all of us, it happens all of the time!

Most of our criminal sex offenders are those that are in the same family or are close family friends/neighbors and not the strangers we fear.

Keep that in mind always.

You'll have to probably find a way to let this go. You may never know the truth and you don't want to blame an adult man when it could have been the 4 y/o son and a combination of other incidents she is combining to make up this story.

The only thing I can suggest is to play a picture game with her. Spread out pictures of family, neighbors, strangers, little boys, the 4 y/o playmate and the adult in question. Then ask her to point to the one that stuck his long, long penis in her face.

You could also call in a police detective to talk to about this and do the picture game in front of. I'd document everything but if you can't determine for sure who it was and what the real story was, you might just have to let this go for your own peace of mind and so as not to further traumatize her.

I'm so sorry any of you had to endure this.









Best of luck!


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnykbird* 
if your child isn't prone to just getting naked with strangers perhaps it was the little boy who coaxed her to undress, which leads me to beleive that the son was also being abused. Little abused kids often act out on other kids because they don't know what is right and wrong.

I was thinking the exact same thing. I'm wondering if the son is in danger. Has anyone contacted this man?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma*
IT's wierd because a little while ago, I was wondering if someone could be doing something to her, and he NEVER crossed my radar.

My mother said the same thing about the man who molested/raped me. Unfortunately, there's just sometimes no way to tell.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma*
I have prayed she would be above this, that I would be able to save her from this.

Being a victim too, this is something I have prayed about for my daughter - that she wouldn't have to go through the same thing I did. *Please* do not feel that it is in any way your fault or that you should have been able to save her. It is no more your fault than it is hers.

I am beyond sorry for you and her, my heart is breaking for you both.


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## kittymac (Nov 6, 2005)

I just wanted to send







.


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)




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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

It shouldn't be down to you to save her from anything. IF any abuse took place, that was wrong- and it was the act of an adult who chose that course of action. He, not you, was to blame. This is not your fault, and in talking openly about good touch/bad touch, you have gone a long way to protect your daughter already.
The only other things I can add are to make sure she has access to pencils/crayons and paper at all times, and maybe for you to try some stream-of-consciousness journalling for you to express your own emotions until you get into therapy? Keep talking to your husband though- don't let this tear your family apart.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

It's heartbreaking to have to even contemplate this.

I would have your dd seen by a professional ASAP. You don't want to keep asking her questions (I think you did fine with the ones that you asked, but now I'd stop unless she brings up the subject), because you don't want to plant ideas in her head or confuse her. A good professional should be able to help her with that.

I also think that counseling for you would be good - parents have very different things to process about this and it really helps to have someone to talk to. Especially since you were abused as a child. That's more than one person can process all by yourself.

You are a good mother. You're not trying to tell her it didn't happen. You've called your doctor. You're seeking out help. This isn't your fault.


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## BennyPai (Jul 22, 2005)




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## katsam (Mar 3, 2005)

In many areas there are places that deal specifically with interviewing children who have been sexually abused. I would call a local mental health agency for some referrals and possible counseling.


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## momm-i-o (Aug 20, 2008)

I have been haunted since I read about your daughter. Perhaps because of her age and how you dealt with it she isn't as traumatized as we all are after hearing about what happened to her and she will be able to move on just fine. I admire the matter of fact way you dealt with drawing it out of her. You definately showed grace under fire. I wish I knew what help you need or advice I could give you. All I have is my whole heart breaking for you and your daughter. I will pray that you are guided and directed wisely so that your family can get good healthy closure from this. I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. I never told anyone until I was 13 and by that time it was too late to do anything in the form of getting justice. I have to believe that people who harm children in such heinous ways get their due, even if I never benefit from seeing it come to them. Bless you and your baby girl as you mend through this.

We had reason to believe my daughter was molested when she was 2. I had a weird feeling one time when we were at my in laws about where she and her sister were playing with their 13 yr old uncle. They were playing hide and seek in a bedroom. One of my daughters was walking around but the other was hiding behind pillows with him. I felt awful for being so suspicious but even in spite of complete clothing I couldn't let it go. As we were leaving my daughter was scratching her private parts and saying they itched. I asked her why and she said it was because uncle poked her. I didn't know what to do so I waited until we were in the car to mention it to my hubby. He was outraged. We told his brother and parents that we were going to get her checked out and if anything was at all wrong we would blow the thing completely to pieces. He swore to his innocence, I'll never believe he didn't at least look at her and check things out (whether or not it was curiosity, I don't care). The doctor didn't find anything incriminating, he said she was red and irritated with a rash (maybe due to a skin allergy to dogs- they had 2 she was really allergic to). We were never able to prove anything and I always wished we could have. MIL was livid that we even could think anything like that (she blamed me for a long time).

I hope you will get to the bottom of things for the sake of your heart.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

I just wanted to add that it is not just girls that we all need to think about with sexual abuse. It happens to boys often as well







. Watch to protect your boys closely too...


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## inkedmamajama (Jan 3, 2003)

i am so sorry you are going through this.

hugs


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)




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## koalove (Apr 18, 2007)

oh mama i have no idea what your next step should be. i just want to offer love and supprt to you and your family. ill be thinking of you and sending blessings.


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## DoingDoing:Julie (May 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TrustingOurBodies* 
It's hard not to think of the worst case scenario.

Maybe it was the nake incident she is recalling. Maybe it was the 4 y/o pal that put his "penis in her face". ??

Maybe it was the adult. ??

You may never find out.

You'll have to probably find a way to let this go. You may never know the truth and you don't want to blame an adult man when it could have been the 4 y/o son and a combination of other incidents she is combining to make up this story.

The only thing I can suggest is to play a picture game with her. Spread out pictures of family, neighbors, strangers, little boys, the 4 y/o playmate and the adult in question. Then ask her to point to the one that stuck his long, long penis in her face.

You could also call in a police detective to talk to about this and do the picture game in front of. I'd document everything but if you can't determine for sure who it was and what the real story was, you might just have to let this go for your own peace of mind and so as not to further traumatize her.


Obviously there is a VERY serious difference between the genitals the 4 yo described, and the genitals of her little 4yo friend. I dont feel like there could have been any confusion. I feel like if the 4 year old had done it, she would not have been afraid but just grossed out and annoyed with him. She obviously felt fear. My heart is breaking for your sweet little girl. I could not endure this as her mommy. You are very strong.

I think it is pretty normal for your daughter to have gotten naked with the other 4 year old boy. I dont feel like that is a signal that he or she has been abused (although by the sounds of things, they still might have)


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TrustingOurBodies* 

The only thing I can suggest is to play a picture game with her. Spread out pictures of family, neighbors, strangers, little boys, the 4 y/o playmate and the adult in question. Then ask her to point to the one that stuck his long, long penis in her face.

Just in case everyone else didn't know already, this is a very VERY *VERY* bad idea.







:


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## Beth F (Apr 19, 2006)

And, WoW! You held it together when she was describing what happened.

Her fear and her accurate descriptions are evidence enough that abuse has taken place.

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so glad you have stopped asking her about it. Yes, you need to not contaminate her story. If she talks to you about it, listen supportively but don't ask questions. Next step is to call not the doctor, but the police. Doctor would be second step. The police most likely will be able to set you up with a victim advocate who can help you *then* get connected with the right resources in the right order. There may be a special medical and therapeutic facility in your area to deal with child sexual abuse situations.

Again:
1. Don't ask any more questions, as you have already begun.
2. Call the police.

As a foster mom who cares for kids who have been abused, I want to just tell you that you did *marvelously* in listening to your daughter in a calm manner. I am soooooo glad she told you. The average offender offends 60 times before ever being caught. So many children suffer in silence, but your daughter has made it possible for you to help her heal. (And help make sure the offender is not able to do this to other kids.)


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
I am so glad you have stopped asking her about it. Yes, you need to not contaminate her story. If she talks to you about it, listen supportively but don't ask questions. Next step is to call not the doctor, but the police. Doctor would be second step. The police most likely will be able to set you up with a victim advocate who can help you *then* get connected with the right resources in the right order. There may be a special medical and therapeutic facility in your area to deal with child sexual abuse situations.

Again:
1. Don't ask any more questions, as you have already begun.
2. Call the police.

As a foster mom who cares for kids who have been abused, I want to just tell you that you did *marvelously* in listening to your daughter in a calm manner. I am soooooo glad she told you. The average offender offends 60 times before ever being caught. So many children suffer in silence, but your daughter has made it possible for you to help her heal. (And help make sure the offender is not able to do this to other kids.)

I second this.....Please please please dont ask her any more questions and call the police....they will take the next step. This is haunting me....I have an almost 4 year girl myself and the idea of anything happening.....Even if you are doubting who exactly commited this sick crime, please make the call. Our children rely on us to protect them. The police will sort out who is responsible for this. My thoughts and prayers are with your family and especially your dd.

Veronica


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Please don't go asking to many questions or playing the picture game!! If you research up Day care sex abuse in the 80's and 90's many innoccent people went through hell because bad techinique.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_car...abuse_hysteria

Do I believe something happen. Yes, but also I believe that we can lead our children into answers our kids think we want to hear (especially at that age). There is enough evidence that small children can make up false claims if lead into that directions by questions/ing.... I am not saying this is the case here but I do accept that small kids can fabricate stories if questioned wrongly or not at all. It has happen before in good touch/bad touch conversation that "abuse" is revealed that it isn't quite reality "he touched my bottom" could be he touched my bottom to put on medicine. Which isn't the case here but in the big picture of things is why we have to be careful not to underreact or overreact. I think OP did great and know needs to get outside help. Plus by getting outside help she can hopefully have creditable evidence to prosicute. By playing slueth on her own she can invalidate evidence







even if it is true and accurate.


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## nalo (Oct 25, 2005)

I feel very sick to my stomach after reading your post. I am SO VERY sorry your sweet baby has gone through this ugliness. She will need lots of support and counseling to help work through everything and start to find healing - both now and perhaps ongoing as she ages. I really hope this disgusting excuse for a human being is brought to justice and that your entire family can find a place of safety and peace again. Lots of hugs to all of you, especially your little girl.


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

My heart aches for you and your family. You are doing a wonderful job so far.

Lots of *hugs*. As a survivor, abuse happening to my kids is my worst nightmare.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I have no advice but just wanted to give some hugs and may you see a healing resolution to this.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I couldn't read and not comment.

I'm so glad you have an open dialogue with your dd and that you are taking steps to make this better for her.

I was molested at 4 by a cousin. I didn't know that's what it was until I was 9 and there was a talk at the school. By that time I was already confused because the cousin had told me that molestation was a proper form of play. It left me quite confused and traumatized. I think that till this day I still have major trust issues with people in regards to my kids from that one incident.


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## zen-ozz (Jan 8, 2004)

I haven't been able to read through all the posts, but I wanted to give you some information. I apologize if this has already been posted.

I used to run a program whose goal was to limit the number of interviews a child had when they were sexually abused while maximizing the potential for successful prosecution. These programs are called Child Advocacy Centers and there are many located throughout the country. I noticed your location was Baltimore and I found a link to a CAC in your area.

http://www.mdcha.org/membercenters.html

I highly recommend that you call. They will very likely see you and your daughter right away and they will do everything within their power to minimize any further trauma to your child. The biggest factor in whether or not a child has lasting trauma from sexual abuse is how the abuse is dealt with afterward, by both family and the community. The CAC can give you all the resources you need to help your daughter.

You are in my thoughts . . .


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

Popping in here kinda late, but we had the safety conversations with dd on a weekly basis... one dad at the age of four she came out and asked if we would be mad at her if she told us something.... she then went on to tell us that an older cousin had been making her play the "coochie game" with him. Basically we did not ask, we let her tell us everything, and yes he had been molesting her, for god knows how long. she still remembers and I am ever so grateful she told us the truth, even at four, it could have gotten alot worse.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Mama, Mama. I couldn't read this without sending all of you a huge







. I am so glad you found out . . .the healing can begin.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

OMG. I'm so sorry for you and your family.
Here we have something called Childrens Cove and I think that would be the place to contact if I were ever in your shoes.
http://www.childrenscove.org/

maybe you could contact them and see what resources are available closer to you?
I wouldn't talk to her anymore about it and let a professional deal with it. If it did happen and you'd like to go for a conviction, the more you talk to her yourself, the more it looks like leading.
Good luck


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I am so sorry. You are dealing with this so well.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

After speaking with a friend of a friend of a friend that is a social worker, we worked out a plan of action. We tried to call the CAC directly, but they said they only dealt with caregiver abuse and that we had to call the police first. So, I called the police and they dispatched a non-emergency officer. We filed the report, and the next day a detective from the CAC called. On Wed. we set up an interview at the CAC. A social worker interviewed her and the detective was on the other side of the one way mirror. The interview was also recorded. I was hesitant to have her interviewed without me present, but it was fine and she did great. She cried a bit at first, so the social worker put a chair in the back for me while they got acquainted. Once bella had come out of her shell, the social worker asked if I could go, and I said I needed to go potty and would be back in a few minutes. We did a high five and a kiss and out I went. I had told her this was an appointment to make sure she knew everything a four year old should know, and that the SW was a friend of Miss Jen (old hcp). She was such a trooper. She divulged some more details, like that the mom (j) had walked in on them once. He called her an evil little girl and repeatedly said he would kill her. The detective and SW said that her statement was extremely credible, and that kids often confuse the number of times, where and when it happened, but WHO and WHAT are almost always accurate. They spoke with me afterwards and let me know that they would be calling their whole family in for separate interviews. From there, it may go to trial or not depending on him. They asked me what we would seek in terms of sentencing, and we said at the very least for him to be registered as a sex offender so that he can't teach or have access to other children. So, now we wait. In the mean time, we start counseling. I think we are going to have to move, because she is not sleeping at all at our home, and is terrified to be there at all. We've been leaving at 7am and staying out until 10pm. We decided to take a weekend at the beach to see if it would reset her. We got here last night, and she slept like a rock. She has told us that she doesn't ever want to go back to our old house, so we'll approach that when we get home.e I was really hoping we'd go to the interview and they would say, oh she said that because of xyz, it didn't really happen to her. But here we are.


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## zoe196 (Mar 20, 2007)

oh mama have just read your update







what's happened to your daughter is every parents nightmare. You have handled it so well and I'm sure that and the help you intend to get your daughter will minimise the harm as much as is possible. I for one certainly hope the abuser gets more than just his name on the sex-offenders list. I am holding you and your family in my heart and thoughts.

Zoe, mama to Thomas 1/06


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## Zan&Zav (Nov 25, 2006)

hugs mama im so sorry, and your precious little one is such a trooper.


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## aileen (Jan 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
I have prayed she would be above this, that I would be able to save her from this.

mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

you have my utmost respect. i can't imagine this being handled better.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

You're an amazing, wonderful mom! I know this must be incredibly difficult for you.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

It really breaks my heart that you little girl had to go through this. I'm so happy that you didn't let this go. IMO this guy and his wife should do some jail time.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Oh Mama







I'm sorry







You've gotten some wonderful advice and I'm so glad you're working with professionals.

I just wanted to mention one thing. I'm a social worker, former family therapist, and one thing I saw time and time again is that the children who had the best outcomes are the children's who's perception of the event hasn't been heightened by hysterical parents do so much better.

I don't feeling like I'm saying it the way I want but, what I mean is that those children whose parents make a huge deal out of it tend to have much more stress and anxiety about the issue. Parents who cling, cry, freak out etc... send children the message that something is seriously wrong and it causes them to have a much more intense emotional response to the event.

Parents who say calm (as you did) and stay matter of fact, stay open and willing to talk but don't push, overly question, get overly emotional, assign a whole host of negative emotions and reactions to the situation tend to have children who come out of situations like this much more adjusted than children who not only have the event but also have to deal with the adult emotions surrounding the event.

I'm proud of you mama!


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## ktbug (Jul 8, 2006)

you're an amazing mama. keep doing everything you can to let her know she's loved, she's beautiful. she's safe.

anything else i want to say would be a huge uav. i hope your search for justice is fruitful.


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## ladyinred (Jan 30, 2008)

You're an amazing mother


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're doing everything right.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Your family is in my thoughts. Thank you for taking your daughter seriously.


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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

I`m so, so deeply sorry for your daughter.









You sound like an amazing, loving mama. I am in awe over the way you have handled this. She is truly blessed to have you. Stay strong. I will pray for you all.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your daughter, but so proud of your whole family. I have a friend who went through something similar with her daughter and they were able to prosecute, even without any physical evidence and he ended up serving time and having to register as an offender, even without it getting all the way to trial (so her daughter never had to testify in court). However you choose to procede, I wish you all peace.


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## gardenmommy (Nov 23, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.


You are doing a great job! Validating her experience, making sure the "bad guy" gets punished, etc., all that is very important for her (maybe not so much right now, but for sure when she is older, and really can contemplate the whole thing). Not only that, helping her begin to process the violation of her person now is so much better than waiting for 5 or 25 or 30 years. It really will allow her to heal, to learn to trust again, to form appropriate relationships, to believe in herself again, etc.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

It tears my heart that this has happened to your child, especially with as much as you tried to protect her.

You really have been amazing and although something terrible has happened to your precious little girl, she will be able to overcome it because it was handled so well by you and your DH. My thoughts are with you and I hope this predator and his enabling wife are caught and brought to justice.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

It makes me sick his wife caught him and didn't turn him in! I'm crying right now. What kind of a woman could see that and cover it up instead of calling the police?

I'm so glad your daughter told you and he'll be caught.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Are you willing to name the family in question? I live near you and would like to know, if they are still in Maryland. A PM if not openly?


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

I think there might be legal ramifications to that and I hope the OP will get advice about that before revealing the name of the family to anybody. Just a thought.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Thank you so much for helping to warn society about this man.


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## nalo (Oct 25, 2005)

I am so glad you will be able to proceed with prosecuting this person. I certainly hope that the sex offender title is just the beginning of his consequences and that he sits in jail for quite some time. As for your family - your daughter is SO lucky to have a mama who believed her and acted in the way you have so as to support her fully yet calmy (on the outside at least) dealt with the police and all of that. Again - you are all in my thoughts and prayers as this may be a long road (trial?) and certainly a journey to healing for all of you. Congratulations for being exactly the mother your child needs. Hugs to you all.


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## Rosehip (Dec 30, 2007)

I'm SO sorry, I hope you and your DD can find peace, and hope that creep gets nailed to a cross.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Oh, mama, mama. I just read your update. I've been praying for your family.






































Your DD is so lucky to have you.


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## ghannit (Apr 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.

I feel just this way. You ARE your daughter's hero. She is
SO far above this.
I am so angry that such a thing can happen to a little girl. The abuser... I can't comprehend how such perfect evil can exist in a person. I feel so angry that it can.


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## MamaRabbit (May 26, 2005)

You are strong, your daughter is strong. This makes me so angry though!

How is your DH doing with this?


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this. you are saving her. you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you. and i'm so so sorry that this happened.

Thank you for this, and all the other mommas out there that have said similar things. The reassurance that I am doing the best I can is just so comforting. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it means sooooo much more to hear it from other moms I respect.

I still just can't believe it. I believe HER, I just can't wrap my head around such an atrocious act. I look at my DD's sweet face, and God, she just looks like this little angel, and I imagine her fearful face trapped in that corner and a part of me just dies. How can anyone EVER think that is OK?! She's just a BABY. Parts of me just want to beat the crap out of him, and yet another part of me is praying for him and his family. I know he'll get his comeuppance when he meets his maker. I'm not a very religious person, but am very spiritual... sort of a religious mutt, and I know with every fiber of my being that whatever wonderful entity created this world, our magnificent bodies and minds, and these beautfiul babies cannot let this deed go unpunished.

DH is still in denial. Again, he believes her, just still hasn't really accepted it. When he first started reading this thread before we took any action, he just hung his head in his hands and cried. All he wants to do is have "angry **x", and I just can't get that image out of my head so we're both running on fumes. We've remained loving and holding hands and other forms of touch, but pretty much physical stuff is out. I know with counseling we'll get better.

Now I'm trying to find a place to move to so that we can move as soon as we get back. She's so worried about it still. Every few hours she pipes up with "mommy, I don't ever want to go back to that mean house, I want to live at the beach house forever."

Me too, kid.


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## lovemyfamily6 (Dec 27, 2006)

Words can not express how sorry I am that you guys are going through this. When I was four, I was at our church meeting room at a friends birthday party. The father of the birthday girl touched me inappropriately and made me touch his penis. He told me that if I told my mom and dad, they would be really mad at me because I should have known better. He said I might have to find a new family to live with if I told. This was one of the deacon's of the church and I believed him. I never told anyone until I told my now dh when I was 18. I'm so glad your little girl told you. These kind of stories absolutely make my blood boil and makes me feel sick and bring back so many memories of how I felt when that happened and how scared I was and I really wish I would have told my mom and dad then and maybe something could have been done. Soon after it happened, he left the church and moved away.

Sorry, this isn't a thread to tell my story. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're handling it so well and your daughter is a strong little girl to tell you. I'm sorry she's going through this.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Wishing your daughter peace.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I am so glad that you have gone to the authorities about this, you are so strong, your whole family is strong.

I hope that the authorities get this man and he does get what he deserves.

Your DD sounds like such a brave little girl and you are brave too mama. I cannot read this without just wanting to bawl my eyes out, I just cannot see how someone is such a freaking monster because he surely is not a human.

I hope that your family can find some peace.


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## destinyzrose (Aug 10, 2008)

Your family is so brave. You are so brave. My prayers are with you and your family, that you may all come out of this stronger.


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## inky leeuhhh (Aug 2, 2007)

i am so sorry for what you are going through. be strong, you will get through this!


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## gingerstar (Jun 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CrunchyTamara* 
I`m so, so deeply sorry for your daughter.









You sound like an amazing, loving mama. I am in awe over the way you have handled this. She is truly blessed to have you. Stay strong. I will pray for you all.

Yes, this.









You are both strong - even more so because you are holding each other close. I also will be praying for your family.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so glad you called the police. You did exactly what you needed to do! You *are* protecting your daughter, by responding and believing and helping her through this, and I am really sorry this happened to your precious baby girl.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

to you. I am so sad for your sweet daughter and for your entire family. You are my hero for handling this so well... you need to be calm and strong for her. And I can't really say much about the UA... except how dare he! And how dare his wife to see it happen and do nothing! That is wrong. Period.

Beth


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

you are an amazing mother. i send you all my love and hope and prayers.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

You are wonderful parents for listening to your daughter so carefully. You are heroes. You are protecting so many children by exposing this as*h*le! Not only do you protect your daughter, but also the poor little ones who have been living with a child molester. You protect all of our children, who will never chance a play date with this family. Thank you!


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
I am so glad you called the police. You did exactly what you needed to do! You *are* protecting your daughter, by responding and believing and helping her through this, and I am really sorry this happened to your precious baby girl.

I just wanted to reiterate this. You are being such a strong and wonderful mama to your precious daughter.

I hope you find a home that feels safe soon.


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## mama2myangels07 (May 2, 2007)




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## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

My heart is just breaking for you DD and family. You are being an amazingly strong woman through all of this. You are all in my thoughts. I wish I had more constructive things to say.


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## ghannit (Apr 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Breeder* 
this predator and his enabling wife

It might be beside the point, but the reality of his enabling wife... bothers me so much. How can that happen to a mother? It's profoundly sad. The abuser has destroyed something in her. She is at fault, yet is such a victim too.

This man is a monster.


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## petra_william (Nov 28, 2007)

Im sat here in tears after reading this thread. I dont know i could stay as calm as you. you're handling this so well.
((((hugs)))) to you and your lo.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aileen* 
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.









:


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

You are doing everything you can right now to validate her, protect her, listen to her and respond to her. I'm so sorry this happened to your family, but you seem so strong, loving and level-headed. I know you will all get through this.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Just another







for you. I do hope your little girl can get through this and that you can, too!


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## girlstar808 (Sep 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
Are you willing to name the family in question? I live near you and would like to know, if they are still in Maryland. A PM if not openly?


My husband lives in White Marsh. I am curious to know, too, where you are, mysticmomma, but the crux of it all is that there are perps in any city or town who prey on our children and yet act like they are family friends. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.









Bless you and your family, mm. It took a lot of strength for your daughter to speak up and for you to stand by her.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I just wanted you to know that I also think you're doing the right thing; and that I agree with pretty much everyone who posted before me. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said, but I want you to know that you can count me in for supporters. I'm following this thread, please keep us updated and let us support you emotionally (and your husband if he's reading), so you can support your baby girl.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

You are a wonderful, strong mama. You are doing the right thing, and your daughter will be alright. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.


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## funkychunkymunky (Mar 26, 2008)

I am not in this part of the forum yet but I saw it and I couldn't help but give you a hug. My prayers to your family, especially your child.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

((Hugs)) to you and your family, especially dd.

---
Can someone point me (and others) in the directon of resources in how to have this kind of a safety talk. I'm really impressed with the calm you kept in the situation, especially considering you went through abuse, and the thought that went into how you would educate your children and communicate with them.

I'd like to learn more about this.... obviously this thread is for support for you, but I'd be grateful if there was another thread about that, or one already started, or another resource (website or group)....

And again.... ((Hugs)) and I'lll be thinking of your family.

Jessica

Oh wait, i see someone asked a similar question.... "the safety talk" here http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=983059
I've had a few threads open and been reading for a while, so I missed it earlier.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

If you haven't yet read "the gift of fear" and "protecting the gift" do so now!

When bella was younger, we started with the body talk. Who can touch her, if she says NO someone has to stop and if they don't tell mommy and she'll take care of it. Respecting other peoples bodies, personal space, etc.

Then we talked about who she should seek out if she gets lost from us (another lady, never a man... woman with kids, etc.)

Then we talked about her safe people. All of these people are women. Yes, you are safe with men, but we always name women in terms of who to tell stuff to or who to go to if you are being hurt.

We really did not focus on stranger danger at all because statistically it's rarely a stranger. We do focus on selecting strangers and why she chose them. We also talk about people she doesn't feel comfortable around and how that's a hint from God, her body, whatever that she shouldn't go near that person.

We also talked about secrets vs surprises. If anyone tells her it's a secret and she can't tell mommy or daddy, then she HAS to tell. Especially if someone is doing something they shouldn't.

We also talk alot about telling the truth and how she might get "in trouble" if she tells the truth about something she did wrong, but she will ALWAYS get "in trouble" if she lies.

We recently moved onto the "stranger" stuff with the lost puppy and candy scenarios because she is such a sympathetic person with a great desire to help people.

Partly, I am focusing on situations I was in and didn't have information for, and situations I was in and DID have info for. I don't ever want her to encounter a situation or person she doesn't have the tools for. Sure it will happen anyway, but I use that as my jumping off point.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

How are you and your husband holding up Trisha? Have they interviewed the man yet? Have you found a new place? Do you need anything?


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

We are ok. The trip to the beach did wonders. We found a new place and move this weekend. I am calling tomorrow to find out if contact has been made with the other family.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Pre-post edit: I'm having a hard time finding the right words here. Nothing seems to match the strong feelings of rage I have towards this person; or the deep sadness I feel for your daughter. So, if my post _feels_ funny, that's why.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
...We found a new place and move this weekend...

Oh good. I'm glad you're able to do this quickly for your daughter. I hope she can begin to recover in her new home; and feel secure again.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
...I am calling tomorrow to find out if contact has been made with the other family.


I really hope they find them and bring them in immediately. I just don't get what's going to happen. Like, "did you do it?"..."no"..."ok, you're free to go"...? Does it become the word of a four year old, vs his word? How are they going to figure this out?? I hope I'm not stressing you out by wondering out loud, I'm just so







over this. I hate people who victimize children* ...hate them.

*I should probably say "allegedly", but I feel that it gives off that your daughter might be making it up; and I don't feel that's fair to her.


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## Beth F (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
We are ok. The trip to the beach did wonders. We found a new place and move this weekend. I am calling tomorrow to find out if contact has been made with the other family.

I'm glad that you found a new place. My sister had a "bad" incident some years ago and can't go near where it occurred ever again.

I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts.


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## Shanana (May 11, 2005)

I couldn't read and not offer hugs







. I am also an abuse survivor, and it makes me sick to my stomach that this kind of stuff happens to kids.

I wanted to throw out the idea of craniosacral therapy for both you and your daughter. It is a light touch therapy that can help you access and release emotions and trauma that is stored in your body. I spent years and years and years in talk therapy, but it wasn't until I started doing bodywork that my healing went to a new level. I do CST, energy work, guided imagery and also homeopathy (the latter three from the intuitive healer that I see). Anyway, I've uncovered stuff in CST sessions that I really felt I'd healed from, but turns out there were lingering traces of it in my body. It's very powerful stuff. You can search for a practitioner here, and of course for such a difficult situation you would want to make sure you were working with a very skilled practitioner with lots of experience in this area. I see a massage therapist who is highly trained in CST, but I know there is a psychologist in my area who has the training as well.

Good luck mama. Sending lots of love and light your way







.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Thinking of you and your family today.







Hope they managed to track him down.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

OK, so here's what happened so far.

They called and spoke to J (mom) and said she and the kids needed to come into be interviewed. She asked why, and they said they were conducting an investigation into the safety of the kids or something like that. She said she didn't feel comfortable doing that without talking to her husband. When she got off the phone with the detective, she called her stepfather who is an attorney. He said don't talk at all. Then the attorney called the detective and said that the parents would not be interviewed, but that they would make the children available for an interview to cooperate with an investigation into the safety of the children. Then A called the detective and asked a million questions which ulimately ended in "is my wife being accused of something?" No. "am I being accused of something?" Yes. A then said something to the affect of "i've never done anything inappropriate with any child."

The detective has warned me that the DA may decide not to file charges if the children do not have anything to add because he has invoked his right to silence. If charges are filed, then they will find out we are the accusers, until then, they will know nothing.

The detective will meet with the DA next Friday and the kids are coming in sometime next week. We move the bedroom today and continue through the end of the month. The Baltimore Free Store is coming to pick some stuff up tomorrow because we are downsizing some. Ugh.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I haven't posted yet, but I've followed this thread with interest and have thought about you and your daughter a lot over the past couple of weeks. I just want to say what a wonderful mother you are for taking your DD seriously and taking extreme measures like moving to ensure her comfort. As awful as her ordeal was, I think she will take great comfort and security in knowing how ferociously you're protecting her now.


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
OK, so here's what happened so far.

They called and spoke to J (mom) and said she and the kids needed to come into be interviewed. She asked why, and they said they were conducting an investigation into the safety of the kids or something like that. She said she didn't feel comfortable doing that without talking to her husband. When she got off the phone with the detective, she called her stepfather who is an attorney. He said don't talk at all. Then the attorney called the detective and said that the parents would not be interviewed, but that they would make the children available for an interview to cooperate with an investigation into the safety of the children. Then A called the detective and asked a million questions which ulimately ended in "is my wife being accused of something?" No. "am I being accused of something?" Yes. A then said something to the affect of "i've never done anything inappropriate with any child."

The detective has warned me that the DA may decide not to file charges if the children do not have anything to add because he has invoked his right to silence. If charges are filed, then they will find out we are the accusers, until then, they will know nothing.

The detective will meet with the DA next Friday and the kids are coming in sometime next week. We move the bedroom today and continue through the end of the month. The Baltimore Free Store is coming to pick some stuff up tomorrow because we are downsizing some. Ugh.

Mama, I have been following your thread (this is the first time I am able to type....no bf baby attached) and I really, really applaud you for not letting this slide. I have a almost 4 year old dd myself and this just horrifies me that anyone could do this to a child (not to mention how a mother could walk in and not do anything...but that is another thread). Big hugs to you, and especially your dd.....my heart really goes out to you both. Thank you for standing up for your daughter and believing in her. One day she is going to look back on this and a huge part of her healing will be due to the fact that you believed her and supported her.


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## ABmom (Mar 6, 2008)

I couldn't read and not post. I pray that your family and little girl will be stronger after all this.










And







to the perve!


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

One day she is going to look back on this and a huge part of her healing will be due to the fact that you believed her and supported her.
I agree with this 100%. I think you are doing an amazing job mama.


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I haven't posted yet, but I've followed this thread with interest and have thought about you and your daughter a lot over the past couple of weeks. I just want to say what a wonderful mother you are for taking your DD seriously and taking extreme measures like moving to ensure her comfort. As awful as her ordeal was, I think she will take great comfort and security in knowing how ferociously you're protecting her now.









Ditto.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
Then A called the detective and asked a million questions which ulimately ended in "is my wife being accused of something?" No. "am I being accused of something?" Yes. A then said something to the affect of "i've never done anything inappropriate with any child."

Of course that is what he said! It sounds exactly the way guilty people sound. Makes total sense to me that this was his response.

The rest of us would most likely be completely shocked and desperately trying to figure out exactly what someone might have accussed us of.

By the way, could there be legal complications from you sharing this online, even without the full names? I could be totally off base, but I only ask because I know periodically people on MDC who ended up involved in legal cases of one case or another have been advised not to speak about it online.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

You are amazing. My heart is breaking for you.


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## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

I am so so sorry.


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

I hope things come along, mama.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

Thinking of you and your family


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## goodcents (Dec 19, 2002)

I am so sorry for your little girl and your family. May you find a place of healing. You are doing such amazing things for her, I am so amazed that you are actually moving (I would do the same if I were in the same situation). It is such a wonderful act of tenderness.......ou go mama, you protect your cubs and take good care of you too. Peace to you and your babe.


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

You are an amazing mama









This must be so hard on all of you right now....but all I can think of is how much better things will be (in comparison to how they could be) because you have handled this all so well.

I have boys...no daughters...but I can still say that before I read this thread it would never have occured to me to stay calm and not aggressively press for more information.

I hate that you had to start this thread...but thank you so much for sharing how you've handled everything.


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## inkedmamajama (Jan 3, 2003)

mysticmommy-

i just have to say as an abuse survivor, THANK YOU for calling the police and following through and thank you for moving your daughter away from harm.

my mother wouldnt do that for me and it completely demolished our already fragile relationship.

i am so happy that your daughter has such a wonderful, caring and responsible mother and father. know that i am here, reading and sending all the good energy, and strength vibes possible to you and your family.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mysticmomma* 
..."i've never done anything inappropriate with any child."...


Interesting that he should cut to the chase like that. So he finds out it's you, so what? Friends come and go, but family is for life. Even if he's found not guilty, it's still worth the trial. Don't be afraid to keep at him mama. Be strong!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
...could there be legal complications from you sharing this online, even without the full names?...









: Worth checking into. If you're advised not to talk about it online, PM a mod and ask them to remove this thread. (I mention this in the unlikely event that you weren't aware you could do that







)

.


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## mandalamama (Sep 1, 2004)

have been following your thread, mama, and am sending prayers and light your way. you are doing a GREAT job simply by believing your daughter and taking steps to protect her! i am going through similar circumstances with daughter and her father, it has been hell for us because "official" people don't believe her, although she's disclosed about the abuse to nearly every adult she knows and even a few of her friends.

you handled it great by staying so calm at first!! when i heard the very first revelation from my daughter, i did the same, not knowing if i would influence her memories (she was 3 at the time, i know how their perceptions of reality and fantasy fluctuates at that age). to this day the only thing i tell her is "it's not your fault" and "it's ok to tell" for fear of being accused of coaching her. the "official" people dropped her case because they have to close a case within 60 days and there was no physical evidence







i wouldn't be able to move, you are so brave and resourceful!!

one thing i've learned from the people who are helping us/her is that the full memories may not surface until she's older, perhaps even 8 or 9. i've learned that some kids - the ones not encouraged to bury or deny the abuse - deal with the psychological effects through their teens and even into adulthood, even if it's just one incident at age 3. stay strong for the long haul and keep doing what you're doing!!! {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}


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## lawgrrl (Nov 8, 2004)

To the OP, I commend you with all of my heart for hearing and believing your dear daughter. She is extremely lucky to have you as a mother. You are doing everything correctly; especially the calm listening and alerting the authorities.

Your daughter is a survivor. From one to another, I offer healing vibes...


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## momm-i-o (Aug 20, 2008)

I'm still praying for you and your family, especially your daughter. I have been quite plagued by having read your post. Something came to mind as I was thinking of you the other day. You had said that you didn't know when this person may have had the opportunity to do this. Do you have a calendar or day timer? Sometimes I jot down insignificant things that jog my memory about things later when I go back through. That might help you to find a time when this could have happened. I've been praying lately a lot for your hubby. Hope he is better able too work through this. Sending you lots of love.

And yes, this man will meet his maker one day.


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## orangewallflower (Apr 10, 2008)

Thank you so much, OP for telling us this story. It gives me a lot to think about. Looking back on it, were there any signs of abuse before your daughter told you what was going on? I always have assumed my kids are safe, but of course they go to neighbors' houses to play. I will read those books you recommended.

You've heard this many times on this thread, but I am in awe of how well you are handling this and what good decisions you are making. Your daughter is so very lucky that you are her mom.

I hope (but seriously doubt) that A and J's children are o.k. and if they are not that help is on the way. I'm sure that the mom has been living in denial for years. In the long run, you are helping this family as much as your own.


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## eccomama (Oct 6, 2005)

i too have a 4.5 year old. my heart goes out to you and your family. keep strong.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry this has happened to your sweet little girl. Thank God she has a mama like you to help her through this.


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## loveandmore (Oct 24, 2008)

I am so so sorry.


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## January--- (Aug 15, 2007)

My prayers will be with your family.


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blu Razzberri* 

Interesting that he should cut to the chase like that. So he finds out it's you, so what? Friends come and go, but family is for life. Even if he's found not guilty, it's still worth the trial. Don't be afraid to keep at him mama. Be strong!








: Worth checking into. If you're advised not to talk about it online, PM a mod and ask them to remove this thread. (I mention this in the unlikely event that you weren't aware you could do that







)

.










:

You are doing the right thing.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Kinda strange to comment right after being quoted, but I wanted to let you know I'm still thinking of your family, and sending positive vibes for healing and justice. Hope you're making forward progress.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

I can't believe what happened to your precious sweet little girl. How can people do stuff like this to children? I don't understand. You are doing an amazing job handling this situation.


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## loveandmore (Oct 24, 2008)

mama, she IS above this.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

I wanted to give another







.


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## BelCanto (Oct 29, 2002)

to your family.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

Just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you. I am so glad your dd has you for a mama, handling this so lovingly and with such care. It is so shocking to read all the things that have happened to people even though I know they do. And I am just so impressed with you and deeply touched--especially by moving in this stressful time to help her feel safe. Many blessings to you and your family.


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## leanbh (Mar 22, 2007)

my heart goes out to you. you are so strong.

i hope your family comes out of this with peace.


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## Kellie_MO4 (Jan 14, 2006)

while I've been there myself, I can't imagine having this happen to any of my kids







stay strong, mama


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## True Blue (May 9, 2003)

I hope things are going well for you all...your experience has reminded me why I am so protective of my children and to tighten back up, bc I've been a bit more lax lately!!!







to you all!


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

I think your family is very strong for handling this as well as you have. And as QUICKLY! Time is definitely of the essence, and will aid your dd's recovery process. I'm glad you chose to move as quickly as you have, listening to your dd's feelings. You are an AWESOME mama! We are truely tested during tough times, and you are proving your strength. Rock on!!


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had a chance to stop in. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts daily. If you can't talk about it anymore, please let us know. You have lots of people praying for you.


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

any update on what happened?


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## CathMac (Jan 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lawgrrl* 
To the OP, I commend you with all of my heart for hearing and believing your dear daughter. She is extremely lucky to have you as a mother. You are doing everything correctly; especially the calm listening and alerting the authorities.

...

Mysticmomma,
I can't say it better than lawgrrl. What a horrible, horrible thing to happen to your beautiful baby girl. But I am so glad for her that she has you for a mom and your DH as a Dad.

Take care.
~Cath


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## rainashine (Oct 29, 2008)

Mamas, I've never shared this with anyone but after reading this felt the need. I know if my heart that this is at the root of why I am so terrified of something happening to my dd. It's not only boys you have to be concerned about. Looking back on it from the perspective of an adult, I still don't know what to call it. But I still feel guilty so I think it probably qualifies as sexual abuse. There was a little girl probably three years older than me that lived down the road from us. Our parents were friends, sort of, but she alwasy wanted to play naked games. I remember at least on incident at my house and one at hers. She wanted me to put things in (what I now know was) her vagina. I felt very guilty. They moved when I was probably 6 or 7 so this was probaby all before I was 5. I now think she was being molested and that was her acting out.

Watch the girls too!

To the OP, your family is in my thoughts.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Has social services been called? In situations like this in my state, an investigation would be completed ASAP and luckily in cases like these there doesn't have to be criminal charges in order for something to happen. DSS has so many child-centered specialists who can accurately and professionally intereview children - which can usually unravel so much more info than a regular police investigator. Even if this man is NOT charged criminally, DSS can still step in and accurately assess whether his children are safe or not. MANY times - DSS interviews help "seal" the case for police.

There was a case near this area several years back that the police could get nowhere with the child and he was not responding to the investigator. IT wasn't until DSS stepped in a started assisting that the little boy opened up and ended up leading authorities to his "secret room" where there were TONS of pictures, videos, etc. and enough to put this man away for a long time. At this point - the Commonwealth atty. had already decided not to try the case because there was not enough evidence- in this case, thank goodness for DSS.

BTW- I have worked with many children who have been sexually abused- and many of these children who have received proper care from their parents and couseling if needed, go on to live lives free of any long term effects from the abuse. From everything ou have said it sounds like your little one is coping very well - and I can tell you are doing a great job throuout this situation.


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

mysticmomma
this is the first time I saw this thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. I send you hugs. I can't speak about actions to take but hugs is what I do know...

hugs to your whole family.


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