# POLL: How were you raised?



## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

The breaking the cycle thread has really got me thinking. I'm sure this has probably been asked before, but I can't search for it







. So please share with me, how were you raised? I was wondering how many mommas here trying to gd their children were/weren't raised gd. Are you on the journey of repeating the cycle of gd or breaking the cycle of violence or otherwise non-gd parenting?
Will you wonderful mommas share what you took away from your parents discipline, what you strive to live up to or not ever do?


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Luckily, I'm repeating the cycle of GD. I was raised GD. I thank my lucky stars every single day.

Though I am doing some things differently than my parents, for the most part I am simply doing what they did. I'm more laid back and "crunchy" than they are (other than practicing GD, my parents are about as mainstream as they come), so it looks a little different in my household, but it's essentially the same thing.

I give HUGE credit, love and admiration to those who are breaking the cycle and determined to use GD with their children. I struggle sometimes and I was raised this way, I cannot imagine how difficult it is for those who don't have a GD childhood to look back on.


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

I'm going completely against how I was raised. I was *spanked* with everything from a hand to a belt to a flyswatter and a broom. I was belittled, yelled at, shamed...(my father used to like to make me wear dresses to school after a spanking, so that "Everyone can see what a bad girl you are"...i.e. they could see the bruises on my legs )

I am not anywhere near the perfect gd parent, but I am breaking the cycle with my dc, and hopefully, they'll be able to do even better than I am.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Working really hard to break the cycle here.

I didn't get hit a lot, but the verbal abuse was unbearable.

I spent a lot of time trying to make myself not love my parents, so it wouldn't hurt so much.

I'm working really hard on making sure my kid knows that we're on the same team.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.


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## EvansMomma (Mar 7, 2006)

I was never hit, but there was so much tension and anger in my household as kids, that it takes every ounce of strength in me not to resort to passive aggressive nastiness when things get tough. I find myself lashing out at DH all the time over nothing, and realize "I am just like my Mom". The thought no one ever wants to have. So now, together, we are working to stop that and work to have a peaceful household so that our son has a better life than we did.


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## Samjm (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:

None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.
Ditto. I was spanked maybe 5 times ever. I was never humiliated or coerced. If I was doing something inappropriate, I was asked to stop and warned that if I continued then I would be spanked. I knew that my parents would follow through with that, but I always had a chance to correct my behavior.


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

My mom was pretty gd. However, I did get spanked once (when I was like 7 and called her a bunch of bad names then ran away, crossing a major street in the middle of traffic!) Other than that, my mom would use time out while we both calmed down (we both have tempers) and then come talk to me.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I can't answer the poll. (And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)

My mom was a very strange mix of permissive and strict-ish. If we were going to label her approach in some areas it could be called "Clueless-avoid serious topics- hope the kid figures it out Parenting" I did get some spankings but they ended in late childhood. She slapped me on the face when I was 12 or 13 (It was a heated moment. She was grieving and I was being really unpleasant, but it's no excuse.) and I told her that if she ever did it again I'd probably hit her back. That was the end of that lol.

She gave me curfews and such and I mostly respected them, during the school year as a young kid I had a bedtime and all that stuff but she was cool about that. So strange that some of the areas she was so great at, and some areas it was pretty rough. I guess we all have those spots.


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

i was not rasied gd. i was abused consistently, though not constantly.

the verbal and psychological abuse were worse than the physical, and it is their effects i work so hard to combat to this day.

i am working very hard to manage/overcome my anger and resentment so that i can parent my children with the love and respect and *guidance* they deserve.


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## bellona (Feb 17, 2006)

I was hit, shamed, yelled at, called names, really just treated awfully. Some of it was more passive (like when I asked to take ballet and my father told me that to dance you had to be tall, skinny and graceful and I was none of those so they weren't going to waste there money - and although I was short, I was by no means overweight or excessively clumsy, but I didn't know that at the time). Some of it was much more blatent. I was spanked with belts, brushes, switches, spatulas, rulers, paddles, hands.... I was spanked on the butt, back of my legs, hands, lower back. I was slapped and swatted on whatever part was handy occassionally, but my father was a real sadist and thoroughly enjoyed a full, formal spanking.

It was not a happy childhood. I voted the last option.

I also don't understand how someone can be mostly gd but be verbally abusive.


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa*
I can't answer the poll. (And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)


That was my first thought when I read the poll. I thought the OP actually made a mistake, but then I realized it she did not.....

I'd have to say my mom did try gd, but not very successfully I think. She never hit as far as I remember, but she was a nervous wreck and her misarable life and mood reflected in all of us. I HATED being home because the atmosfere was always very tense and unpleasant. She had lots of breakdowns, she would pass out many times because she could not handle my older brother - he drove her insane.
My dad was nasty - hitting us, beating us, humilliation - I never deserved anything. Everytime he'd give me something he'd ALWAYS say "BUT you do NOT deserve it!" That was my biggest problem as an adult - trying to reverse that thinking that I don't deserve anything in my life.....


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

First, sorry to those who can't answer. I knew I wasn't covering every type of parent, but I thought it might be enough for people to pick one close to, yk? I had about a dozen different answers written down in my notebook and kinda narrowed them down so everyone wouldn't have to read a dozen anwers. I guess I should have made it with more options? Thanks to all mommas who share regardless of whether I tagged your parents particular way in the choices or not! I appreciate it








Second, I meant to answer here myself right away, but what can I say, I'm a mom








I'm answering mostly gd. And what I mean by that is most of the time I was handled in a gd type of way, but I was handled in the other ways too at times. My dad hit us with a belt when I was very young(he's the children have to mind and fear us type), but my mom handled most of the discipline and she was pretty gd. She occasionally yelled or punished though, not often, like I was grounded several times when I was a teen.
So I am thankful to my mom, who by the way left my dad and remarried







. When I was 15 my little brother was born and he was raised gd. So I got the benefit of seeing that and participated quite a bit in caring for him.







.
I feel that I was loved and treated(mostly) with respect and my feelings were cared about and my parents made an effort to spend alot of time with us as a family. So that's what I have taken away from my parents that was positive and worth repeating.
The hitting and punishment, *not* worth repeating.
I am not perfect(duh) but I think noncoercive parenting is ideal for me so I try to keep it in mind as what I strive for. Sometimes it goes better than others. When I am coercive I recognize it as such and know I could have done better. I do not beat myself up about it or anything though, that would be silly, IMO. I just know it was not neccessary and think about ways I may be able to handle the same situation better, yk? I also make a big effort to admit, own, and make amends for my shortcomings when they affect my kids. I don't remember my parents doing this and I it is important to me. I also believe(hope) that as I grow and learn and my kids do too, that beong noncoercive will get easier.

Quote:

(And I don't want to get all nit picky, but I am unsure as to how "mostly gd" a parent can be if they still hit and shame...but that's not the point here lol)
Yeah I got ya! I just meant that 8 or 9 out of 10 situations were handled gd but the other ones not so much!


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:

None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.

Quote:

Ditto. I was spanked maybe 5 times ever. I was never humiliated or coerced. If I was doing something inappropriate, I was asked to stop and warned that if I continued then I would be spanked. I knew that my parents would follow through with that, but I always had a chance to correct my behavior.
_by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished_

I think both of you would fall under this answer, wouldn't you? Sorry if my choices didn't make sense everybody, I tried







: . This choice means your parents did any one of these things exclusively as discipline or any mix of these things as discipline. So if your parents hit but not the other things and were not gd at all you'd still be under here I guess







Am I making any sense?


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I voted "mostly gd, but..."
My mom, quite gd I'd say (at least up until my teen years). She was respectful of us, and redirected and explained and all that. She did spank in "safety situations" twice for me, and maybe once for my brother (she says- I don't remember). I don't recall yelling or grounding, or any real punishments from her before my teen years. After I turned 13 though...lol. Her favorite phrase was "you're grounded- 3 months!!!" We yelled at each other a lot, and said some pretty not-nice things back and forth.
My dad, not gd. He put us "in the corner" a bit. I'm pretty sure he spanked us. They divorced when I was 6, then he became very permissive with me, and just kinda neglectful to my brother.







:

My brother and I were mostly raised by my grandparents until my parents divorced (dad hardly worked, and seeing as how he'd smoke pot in the car with us, mom thought it best for us to be stay with them while she worked. And since she had to work a lot, we were there a lot.) As you'd guess, we were "spoiled" with love. They must not have been too permissive, because I don't believe we really "misbehaved" a lot. I think they used explanations and all that.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Mostly gd. My parents did punish me, including a few spankings, but not that much or that often. They did a lot of things that I wouldn't do, but they made a sincere effort to teach through reasoning and example, and to let me be my own person, rather than being strictly punitive. There were rules, but I was always allowed to give my opinion if I thought a rule was unreasonable, and they did listen. They relied heavily on expectations, not really with any threat or reward, but just "this is what you do," and I mostly did what was expected of me. I guess they would be called authoritative.


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## trmpetplaya (May 30, 2005)

My parents were mostly GD. They did spank sometimes (mostly when I was very little and "couldn't be reasoned with") and they hit me with a belt twice (I didn't get any bruises or anything from any of it), but they gave warnings first and there weren't many things that warranted hitting us. By the time I was 12 I wasn't hit ever again. I was grounded once from spending the night at friends' houses because we took a midnight walk on a school night and got caught...

love and peace.


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

My parents were pretty GD-- they didn't do "time outs" or "grounding", nor did they give a lot of rewards/praise (I was always jealous of kids who got money for A's in school!). Our family focused a lot on cooperation and working together, which I'm trying to instill in DS as well. However, they did use guilt and a very occasional spanking (I think I was only spanked twice, each time on the butt, over my dad's knee). I don't remember what the spankings were for, but I remember that I thought I had done something really bad (something dangerous, like running into the street) but that it was very humiliating.







So, there were many good things that I want to emulate with DS, but also some patterns I'm trying to avoid.


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## JustJamie (Apr 24, 2006)

My dad was mostly GD but would spank.

My mom is a Dobson-ite through and through. She still tries to make it like she's superior even though I'm now an adult, with a home and a family of my own.


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## guestmama9911 (May 24, 2005)

My parents were verbally and emotionally abusive and I still kind of hate them for it. I am trying very hard to break the cycle. I am actually very gentle with my infant son but find myself being sarcastic my husband. It makes me feel awful and every day I try harder and harder to get rid of the habit.


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## Nora'sMama (Apr 8, 2005)

I was spanked, shamed, coerced...I am breaking the cycle.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Thanks for the poll MissRubyandKen! It is interesting. I was raised mostly through playful parenting, and permissiveness. I love my parents dearly, but I admit I grew up with little if any capacity to take any responsibility, and very little trust in myself. I am trying to break the circle, but, especially this morning, it feels like I am failing to. It does not help that my husband was raised by a permissive mom and a very aggressive dad and his parenting skills are very scarce, so I wind up being protective of the kids and this leads me to being permissive too. Plus it does not help that dh did not learn how to resolve conflicts, and we often do fight in front of the kids also. I need to take responsibility, I do...


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## eightyferrettoes (May 22, 2005)

I refused to buy wire clothes hangers for years and years. DH likes 'em better than the plastic variety, so I've sucked up my irrational revulsion and permitted them to cross my threshold.

But they still seem a little too... threatening to me.








:

My parents were big Dobson fans. There's a cute pic of me as a toddler studiously holding a book... till you realize the book is "The Strong-Willed Child."

I don't always do a fab job of "breaking the cycle." I thought I was past all the crap that happened in my childhood, but I find it coming back to the surface when I'm dealing with DS, and not always in ways I'm proud of.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I chose mostly GD, although it doesn't really apply since I was never hit, shamed, or humiliated. My mom did lose her cool and yell every once in a while, but it was mostly a good thing, I think. We needed to know that she was human, and the few occasions that she yelled had no negative effect on me except to give me a little empathy for how difficult it must be to be a mom. She also used the occasional punishment-- my brother was "grounded" a few things, and we sometimes had what I guess you'd call time-outs. Mostly though she relied on a foundation of trust between us. I can watch how she handles my DD and see for myself how I was treated as a small child, and I like what I see.

I don't really have a negative cycle to break, and I feel very lucky about that. If I could be half the parent my own mother was, I'd be thrilled. She was an excellent example for me of good gentle parenting, and so I can relax and rely on my natural impulses as far as discipline goes. I feel very fortunate in that.


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## kyangel80 (Oct 5, 2005)

My mom was the only one who ever used spanking. She used it frequently. She wore us out occassionally(sp) and she yelled, shamed and berated on a fairly regular basis. My dad never yelled, never spanked, never berated, never shamed. It's too bad he worked so much because he was an awesome parent!!! I never wanted to dp anything like my mom when I became a parent. She created a GD parent because everything she did went against everything inside of me and I knew exactly what not to do. The only problem is that with my first child I was never really tempted to spank, but I'm having a tough time with my latter 3. That's another post though.







:


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

There's not really a choice for me. My parents did spank us occasionally on the bottom.. but did not yell, shame, or do anything like that. They were one of the few parents I knew of who did not spank out of anger.

Of course, now they wonder why I don't give my son a swat on the bottom... but they respect my decision not to.


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## Pagan_princess (Jul 17, 2004)

My stepfather was mean, and nasty to me when I was younger. He would beat me for things that I didn't even know were wrong, and belittle me and generally make me feel like crap.

I also wet the bed until I was 11-13 because I have Cerebral Palsy on my right side and I couldn't always feel when I had to go at night. If I woke up wet, he would make me sit there with my wet underwear on my head.





















I think that is why I am trying to do things so differently with my kids.

Sometimes when Jeff gets after the kids, I freak out remembering how it was for me. He has to remind me that even though he is a step-dad, he is not like my stepfather was, and that he would never ever hurt our children.


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## 30dirtyfingers (Apr 16, 2006)

i picked the second one, minus the shaming.. I dont htink my mom did a lot of the shaming, if any at all. if she did she apologized for it. PS- spanking did nothing but make me be more sneaky about the offense the next time


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## Rigama (Oct 18, 2005)

Abused and breaking the cycle here.

I try to gd ds as much as I can, but it's a real struggle some days because the older he gets the more trying he can be and the more I feel like yelling. I don't. I give myself a break, or I leave the room, but when he pulls my hair (a huge trigger b/c my mom made me keep my hair long so she could drag me around by it) I really have to work hard not to become my mother and hurt him or yell at him. For a long time I didn't want kids because I was afraid i'd turn out just like she did. Now that I have one, I know that as hard as it sometimes is, I have a choice in how I raise him...And I choose to be a gentle and playful parent.


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## bradleybirth2mom (Apr 21, 2006)

I was spanked, too---until I was 18 and with a bare bottom until I was 13, no less. It humiliated me and I was angry at my dad for a long time and have ongoing issues with the way I was brought up.







But in all fairness to my dad, I truly believe he loved me and did the best he knew how, although it was ignorant---after I moved out, I resolved those issues since I was able to see how he came to punish us after I had children of my own. I can see now that I should not spank my kids because it will do the same thing to them as it did to me.


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

My parents were not at all GD. They believed in being firm (but not harsh) when we were little, and then giving us plenty of freedom and responsibility at an early age. It was a strange combination. I don't know many other people who were raised like I was raised. We were spanked, scheduled, restricted from sweets, forbidden from watching certain TV shows, given strict bedtimes, etc; your basic authoritarian parenting philosophy. But on the other hand, we had family meetings where we could debate the rules, we were never grounded, we were given total freedom in our friendships and the books we read, we never had curfews, and we basically had no rules at all after we were 11 or so. It was like being an adult roommate instead of a child.

It wasn't all bad ... I got straight A's and have always been responsible with money and lifestyle decisions. I think their parenting helped my maturity level and my intellectual abilities. But we never had a close emotional relationship and they weren't very nurturing. I spent most of my teenage years in a terrible depression that they never even knew about. We still don't have the kind of relationship where I feel comfortable telling them about my feelings or my personal life, and I envy people who have that kind of relationship with their parents.

I guess, overall, I would say that my parents were very, very effective authoritarian parents. If you're going to be an authoritarian parent, my parents are pretty much the ideal model. The punishments were rare, the spankings were mild, the decisions were reasonable. But that's still not the model I want to follow in my own parenting choices.


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

Interesting poll. My mom was VERY permissive, but at the same time she'd yell, shame, guilt, manipulate, etc... she was very emotionally abusive, and seemed to try to make up for it by never imposing any rules and buying me pretty much whatever I wanted.


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## faithnj (Dec 19, 2004)

I've said it before, I'll say it again. As a partial reaction to how she was parented, *my mother did GD in the 60's-70's, and she sucked as a parent*, and I had no respect for her. I don't know what she was reading back in those days, but there was a lot of talk about "we don't do this or that in the community," a lot of non-reaction to my bad behavior and a lot of leaving the room. She never did anyting to hurt me, but I never felt she was emotionally involved, and I really hated her. I would hit her, scream at her and do things like throw my socks in her dinner bowl just to see if she'd do anything. (She never did.) She also has some theories about how kids would just grow naturally and didn't need a lot of guidance (Meanwhile she was one of the most educated and capable people you'd ever want to meat.) How in the world she got the idea that I'd just learn how to do things through osmosis is beyond me. Whatever the case, a therapist suggested she let me live with my father instead because she didn't think there was much hope for a relationship between us. She just never felt like a mother to me.

*I also had a grandmother who was great.* Very responsive, attentive and loving. She did spank on occasion with a floppy slipper, all the while crying and saying she hated to do it but she had to because she loved me and didn't want me to grow up wrong. The slipper was so floppy, I had to hold in my laughter. But I got the point.....she was worried about me and she didn't deserve to have to feel so bad. Anyway.....she was very sweet, caring and involved and EVERYBODY loved her. She made a point to make life fun, educational, but to share her values with me too. Funny that my mother tried to parent opposite of her. Guess she just thought my grandmother was nice but too old-fashioned and male dominated. Funny. My mom didn't respect her mom for not being a strong woman and wife. And I didn't respect my mom for not being a strong mom.

*And then I had a step mother from hell.* The type that would beat you with an electrical cord until you had scars on your body-- for things you hadn't even done. However, for whatever reason she thought kids should know how to do things like iron their own clothes and cook dinner. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't know how to take care of myself. My step mother was downright crazy, and if I knew better, I would have called CPS on her. But she was a great artist. Oddly enough, I don't so much blame her for all the crimes she commited against me today, as much as I blame my father for not saving me from her. After all, he was my flesh and blood. I don't know how he allowed her to beat me the way she did.

It's really hard to make sense of how the person who seemed to be the least violent felt like the least caring. The one who seemed the most violent was the only one who made sure I had the basic skills for self-care. And the person who took the middle path was the one who actually was the most loving, but still didn't make sure I could care for myself as an adult. Because of these experiences, it really peeves me off when people thing any one method of child care or discipline is the answer, or that any one type of discipline will ruin a kid. There are far more factors involved in raising a kid than whether you spank or don't spank. Love, concern, keeping an eye towards your child's future and his ability to care for himself, and keeping an eye open towards each child's individuality counts for a lot. So many people simply look at their own childhoods and think anything must be better than what I went through. Some think, as my mother did-- you shouldn't have to teach children much, they'll just grow and absorb. I've met kids who lived like that and many of us have a lot of resentment over not having basic skills our parents had. Others put people who beat them within an inch of their lives in the same catagory as those who were mild and occasional spankers who were just afraid to have their kids go wrong. It's all crazy. People are very different, and it doesn't help us understand what is really going on in families if we can't be honest about the subject. And having been raised by three very different women, I've come to the conclusion that parenting in opposition to your how you were parented just isn't always the answer for your unique kid-- because your kid wasn't parented by your parents!!!! Your kid is not you. Your kid does not carry the baggage your carry. You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO.

Faith


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## dogmama (May 24, 2005)

Proudly breaking the cycle here. I will not hit my children, I will not shame them, I will not withold love.


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faithnj*
I've said it before, I'll say it again. As a partial reaction to how she was parented, *my mother did GD in the 60's-70's, and she sucked as a parent*, and I had no respect for her. I don't know what she was reading back in those days, but there was a lot of talk about "we don't do this or that in the community," a lot of non-reaction to my bad behavior and a lot of leaving the room. She never did anyting to hurt me, but I never felt she was emotionally involved, and I really hated her. I would hit her, scream at her and do things like throw my socks in her dinner bowl just to see if she'd do anything. (She never did.) She also has some theories about how kids would just grow naturally and didn't need a lot of guidance (Meanwhile she was one of the most educated and capable people you'd ever want to meat.) How in the world she got the idea that I'd just learn how to do things through osmosis is beyond me. Whatever the case, a therapist suggested she let me live with my father instead because she didn't think there was much hope for a relationship between us. She just never felt like a mother to me.

*I also had a grandmother who was great.* Very responsive, attentive and loving. She did spank on occasion with a floppy slipper, all the while crying and saying she hated to do it but she had to because she loved me and didn't want me to grow up wrong. The slipper was so floppy, I had to hold in my laughter. But I got the point.....she was worried about me and she didn't deserve to have to feel so bad. Anyway.....she was very sweet, caring and involved and EVERYBODY loved her. She made a point to make life fun, educational, but to share her values with me too. Funny that my mother tried to parent opposite of her. Guess she just thought my grandmother was nice but too old-fashioned and male dominated. Funny. My mom didn't respect her mom for not being a strong woman and wife. And I didn't respect my mom for not being a strong mom.

*And then I had a step mother from hell.* The type that would beat you with an electrical cord until you had scars on your body-- for things you hadn't even done. However, for whatever reason she thought kids should know how to do things like iron their own clothes and cook dinner. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't know how to take care of myself. My step mother was downright crazy, and if I knew better, I would have called CPS on her. But she was a great artist. Oddly enough, I don't so much blame her for all the crimes she commited against me today, as much as I blame my father for not saving me from her. After all, he was my flesh and blood. I don't know how he allowed her to beat me the way she did.

It's really hard to make sense of how the person who seemed to be the least violent felt like the least caring. The one who seemed the most violent was the only one who made sure I had the basic skills for self-care. And the person who took the middle path was the one who actually was the most loving, but still didn't make sure I could care for myself as an adult. Because of these experiences, it really peeves me off when people thing any one method of child care or discipline is the answer, or that any one type of discipline will ruin a kid. There are far more factors involved in raising a kid than whether you spank or don't spank. Love, concern, keeping an eye towards your child's future and his ability to care for himself, and keeping an eye open towards each child's individuality counts for a lot. So many people simply look at their own childhoods and think anything must be better than what I went through. Some think, as my mother did-- you shouldn't have to teach children much, they'll just grow and absorb. I've met kids who lived like that and many of us have a lot of resentment over not having basic skills our parents had. Others put people who beat them within an inch of their lives in the same catagory as those who were mild and occasional spankers who were just afraid to have their kids go wrong. It's all crazy. People are very different, and it doesn't help us understand what is really going on in families if we can't be honest about the subject. And having been raised by three very different women, I've come to the conclusion that parenting in opposition to your how you were parented just isn't always the answer for your unique kid-- because your kid wasn't parented by your parents!!!! Your kid is not you. Your kid does not carry the baggage your carry. You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO.

Faith

Faith ~ just wanted to say - I LOVE YOUR POST! And thank you for taking your time and typing all that. It made me feel like a human again and not to be too hard on myself. Thanks!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Mainly GD. A very few spankings and mom did yell quite a bit at times. But, it was frustrated yelling, not in any way shaming or belittling. We did have a few rules (no food in living room, curfews - that kind of thing) with consequences for breaking them (grounding, mostly), but not very many. Mom put rules in place for reasons, not just to have rules. She wasn't concerned about raising "obedient" kids, and was absolutely not trying to break us in any way. She wanted to find out who we were, and nurture that, not force us into a mold.

About the only change I'm really making is that I don't spank. (I'm also more aware of things like sexual abuse...but I grew up in the 80s, not the 50s.) I do still yell sometime, but like mom, it's not because I think yelling "works". It's because I'm human and sometimes I blow up a bit. I think my mom did a great job, and if I can do as well, I think my kids will be happy. I have much less on my plate than she did (ie. my dad didn't have a brain hemorraghe when I had a new baby, and my dh isn't an alcoholic/workaholic/passive aggressive), so there's no reason why I can't do as well


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## faithnj (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
Faith ~ just wanted to say - I LOVE YOUR POST! And thank you for taking your time and typing all that. It made me feel like a human again and not to be too hard on myself. Thanks!









I'm glad my post made you feel better about yourself, and more HUMAN! LOL I think my mom's example serves as a cautionary tale that says we mom's really need to stay human, and stay emotionally connected to our kids. Books can be helpful, but they don't negate the fact that our kids need to feel like they are talking to flesh and blood moms who can react thoughtfully, and _AUTHENTICALLY_ from their hearts, as well. That, and you don't need to be "perfect" to find that your kids love you when the raising is all said and done. Good intentions, kindness, occasional guidance or direction, and love really do count for a lot.

Faith


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eightyferrettoes*
I refused to buy wire clothes hangers for years and years. DH likes 'em better than the plastic variety, so I've sucked up my irrational revulsion and permitted them to cross my threshold.

But they still seem a little too... threatening to me.

I don't think that is irrational at all. I agree with you.


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i voted 'by parents who were mostly gd but....'
a pp asked how this combination is possible, and i can only say what it meant to me- both my parents were hippies. way into peace, and being loving parents. unfortunately, their own demons from the past really got in the way of their good intentions very often. also ignorance, especially on my moms part, of exactly how to be gentle and still have boundaries. so i think she flip flopped from one extreme to the other. one moment an accommodating doormat, and then, when the pain of that added to other life stressors, she'd just lose it, and act very terrifying. mix that with the very sensetive child i was, and you have a recipe for a very stressed out, incompetent child, who was (and often still is) afraid to do anything for fear of doing it wrong. but basically, i always knew my mom loved me, and i knew she valued ideals she couldnt live up to, and all that helped me turn out ok in the end (after quite a bit of time being not ok). the sad part of the happy ending is that my mom is this great person, who worked her but off to do right by her only child, and most of the time i still kind of dont like her, and i dont know if it just an innate personality clash, or a result of my childhood. but i do have lot of anger about how things went down.

my dad, had some child development education, so he technically knew more about how to be, with kids, but was just sort of emotionally incapable due to depression and using so many drugs. i wasnt more than seven when he taught me the ins and outs of growing mj, and also i thought sniffing white lines of powder off shiny surfaces was just something some grownups did, like driving a car, sort of. and i really felt responsible for taking care of him, for trying to make him happy.

so theres my long explaination of how my parents raised me. i hope my kids are ultimately as happy as i now am, but i just hope that their pain in getting to this point is less, so they dont waste as much time as i did on unhealthy stuff like drugs and eating disorders and what have you. i hope the way i parent them will help them toward this end, and i know their journey is not all in my hands, no matter how great or awful i am. thanks for listening.


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i wanted to add that i totally agree with the pp who said its so important to remeber to parent the individual your child is, and not just the way you wish you had been parented.

and also just kind of realized that i think the main thing that kept my mom from living up to her ideals was a lack of self awareness. it really get in the way of communicating effectively, if you cant even tell whats going on inside you, and why. and if you cant figure out what part of an emotion is actually due to your own issues, how can you ever really see who your child is?

i dont exactly know to what degree i am repeating my parents mistakes. some, for sure. sometimes i feel helpless to prevent it. but i do know that their basic ideals in gentle parenting are also my own, and that feels good.


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## mfp02 (Jan 5, 2005)

My parents shamed me, and spanked me 2-3x (around the age of 5-6 years old). They yelled once I was in my teenage years.

I felt I had it pretty easy going (compared to friends of mine who had it really bad).


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

I voted for the fourth option, "by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished."

They firmly believed that children are born evil and manipulative and have to taught to be good. My dad likes to brag how I was left to CIO for hours the night they brought me home from the hospital, so that I was taught to be a "good baby" who slept all night. (When my little brother was born, there were nursery volunteers who picked up babies who cried, and my dad told the nurse supervisor that no one was to pick up my brother when he cried.) They spanked with fly swatters. They forced us to eat everything on our plate, even if it made us throw up. They forced us to "face our fears" by making us get into water when we couldn't swim and hold the bug that we were so scared of we were crying. I was a very messed up little kid--socially awkward, OCD tendencies, terrified of making a mistake, bed wetter.

When I got to be older, like junior high and high school, my dad stopped doing the abusive stuff and became almost GD. (I guess if you learn 'em right when they're little, you don't need it when they're older?







) But my mom was emotionally abusive. She was mad at the world, especially my dad for not being the perfect husband, and I somehow bore the brunt of that anger; I have enough stories to fill a book. There was also absolutely no communication in our house. We were really good at keeping everything bottled up inside. I learned about sex from friends and teen magazines.

They did a few things right, though. Despite their major flaws parenting, they were both really intelligent about the way the world works. I think when I moved out of the house, I was equipped with almost all the skills I needed to make it in the world. They were surprisingly laid-back about alcohol and dating and partying. They instilled in me the importance of education, self-reliance, and responsibility and taught me to avoid shallow people and superficial things.

What has been interesting to me is the way my views about them have changed since my daughter was born. I have a greater respect for the things they right, but I have developed a deep anger for the things they did very, very wrong.


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

I just want to say how much I admire all you mamas who had such difficult childhoods and are finding the strength to break the cycle of pain. Some of your posts have made me so sad. I naively had no idea that people could be so cruel to children.







It also makes me want to give my parents a big hug, because with all their flaws, they tried (and still try) to be the best parents they could be, and I think they succeeded pretty well; my brother, sister, and I are pretty well-adjusted adults and we are all still very close as a family. I certainly can better appreciate them now.







to all you brave mamas!


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I voted "hit, shamed, coerced, and punished". My parents were borderline abusive, but nothing that the law would have done anything about. My dad hit a lot, and he is a BIG guy who doesn't know his own strength. He's gotten a lot better, though, but through my teenage years was very permissive (allowed drinking, etc). My mom and I have wrestled eachother to the ground before over the dumbest stuff. She was the "because I said so" type. She was also very inconsistent with rules, depending on her mood. I'm going to try not to let my mood affect the rules.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rigama*
For a long time I didn't want kids because I was afraid i'd turn out just like she did.

OMG! _I so understand how you felt!_ I was terrified about becoming a mom. I always felt like I wasn't worthy or good enough to become a parent and that I didn't deserve to be a mom. I spent several years in therapy working on this to get to the point where I could actually feel like it was OK for me to get pregnant.

I was spanked with a belt and hands and stuff, but for the most part, I was smart enough (and sly enough) to not get into trouble that would land me a spanking. My brother on the other hand, doesn't understand how to be subtle and was beaten on a lot. I often ended up a reluctant witness ("you get back here" if I tried to escape) to the yelling and violence.

We were also belittled and called horrible names on a regular basis. My dad slapped me across the face once when I was a teenager and knocked me onto my bed. I probably copped an attitude, or heck, maybe I just tried to express myself, hard to say since he was so unpredictable. After that I wouldn't let him come within 10 feet of me for a few days. He never hit me again.

But I'd definitely say the worst of it was the coercion, emotional abuse, shaming and love-withdrawal. If I didn't agree with something that my dad said and it pi$$ed him off, he wouldn't speak to me or acknowledge my existence until I apologized (even when he was wrong) and then agreed with him (even when I'm sure he new it was a lie).

I pretty much wrote him off and amazingly he's actually worked hard to not be such a jerk. I always felt hurt that he was so good with my cousins when they came to visit. I thought why couldn't he be that way with us?

My brother is bipolar (extreme case - he's scary if he's not on his meds) and I'd bet money my dad is as well. He quit drinking when I was about 13 but I remember being confused and so disappointed that though he was home at night and sober after that, he was still mean and scary.

The weird thing is that I worked through most of my issues with my dad (we actually have an OK relationship now thanks to time, distance and healing on both our parts). But I have noticed issues with my mom I didn't know existed until after I was pregnant and had DD.

OK. Probably TMI. I tend to







. DH and I were just talking about family of origin patterns and present relationships so the timing was very relevant for me. Thanks for the poll. It was good to see a number of people had chosen "mostly GD." I was kind of surprised.
















to all of us who are breaking the cycle of abuse!


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I was raised by parents who believed in GD and they in turn were raised by parents who believed in GD. They never spanked us or called us names or put us down. They were excellent parents. I thank my lucky stars for that. I was such an shy, introverted child. I can't imagine how much more neurotic I would have been if I had parents who weren't as GD as mine were.

My parents preferred method of discipling was scolding or lengthy lectures. My dad has never laid a hand on me or my brother. Ever. My mom has slapped me across the face once. I recall one instance when my mom got so mad at my brother and I for something we did (can't remember what it was). She was livid. I remember she said "I could kill you both" and my dad nearly went through the roof when he heard that from her. He berated her for saying something like that to us, their children. That's probably the "worst" thing I can recall from my childhood. My mom has never said anything like that since that episode.

All those mamas who are breaking the cycle..I applaud you. Some of the posts in here made me so sad. I can't imagine how parents can treat their children that way.







:


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennisee*
I voted for the fourth option, "by parents who hit, shamed, coerced, and/or punished."

They firmly believed that children are born evil and manipulative and have to taught to be good. My dad likes to brag how I was left to CIO for hours the night they brought me home from the hospital, so that I was taught to be a "good baby" who slept all night. (When my little brother was born, there were nursery volunteers who picked up babies who cried, and my dad told the nurse supervisor that no one was to pick up my brother when he cried.) They spanked with fly swatters. They forced us to eat everything on our plate, even if it made us throw up. They forced us to "face our fears" by making us get into water when we couldn't swim and hold the bug that we were so scared of we were crying. I was a very messed up little kid--socially awkward, OCD tendencies, terrified of making a mistake, bed wetter.

When I got to be older, like junior high and high school, my dad stopped doing the abusive stuff and became almost GD. (I guess if you learn 'em right when they're little, you don't need it when they're older?







) But my mom was emotionally abusive. She was mad at the world, especially my dad for not being the perfect husband, and I somehow bore the brunt of that anger; I have enough stories to fill a book. There was also absolutely no communication in our house. We were really good at keeping everything bottled up inside. I learned about sex from friends and teen magazines.

They did a few things right, though. Despite their major flaws parenting, they were both really intelligent about the way the world works. I think when I moved out of the house, I was equipped with almost all the skills I needed to make it in the world. They were surprisingly laid-back about alcohol and dating and partying. They instilled in me the importance of education, self-reliance, and responsibility and taught me to avoid shallow people and superficial things.

*What has been interesting to me is the way my views about them have changed since my daughter was born. I have a greater respect for the things they right, but I have developed a deep anger for the things they did very, very wrong*

WOW! I could have written your post! Excpet the CIO part! My mom would never let us CIO, ever. I know that for sure. But the rest is so my life. MY dad never wanted to save any money for us because he believed we will all end up in a prison. My older brother is very messed up because my dad kept drilling this into his head - you are a criminal who's gonna end up in a prison anyway, so why would I do anything for you? He never wanted to do anything for me either. I wanted to play an instrument and he always said: "If I knew you'd stick to it I'd buy it for you" - so I never got anything. He always wanted a warantee that anything he did for us was going to pay of for him somehow. Everything was conditional. Even things we desperatelly needed like clothing









I am really messed up when it comes to food also....because of the fact that we HAD to finnish everything on our plate, not matter how much we hated it. Even at school (I grew up in Communismus back till I was 15 years old) we had to finnish everything on our plate otherwise we were in trouble!
Now meal time is the biggest issue with me and my son. I have to really control myself to not force him into food the same way. That's been my biggest chalenge so far. But I am getting better I think!









The last part you wrote is also so so true with me!! I thought I have forgiven everything to my dad until I got pregnant with my first child - EVERYTHING came back up and I developped deep hate for him and his actions towards me as a child. It took me a very long time to get over it again. I was very mean to him and did not trust him with anything.

It's really interesting to read all the responses here. HOw everyone was raised and how it has efected their lives. Sometimes I wonder how much does it have to do with out "born" strenght and personality to deal with stuff. I grew up basicly side to side to my friend (we knew each other since about 4 years old till now - we are both in our 30's) and we know EVERYTHING about each other lives, parents, everything. She came out really really messed up and I think I turned our really good - so sometimes I wonder if we had an opportunity to switch our parents - I still thing we would have turned out EXACTLY the same way. Anyway, just thinking "out loud" here...


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

This is a great thread. It is important to talk these things out and recognize them as a component of who we are and the way we parent our kids. Even more important is taking the final step, accept ourselves and take responsibility for who we are today and for what we want to do with our precious dc. This at the same time is very liberating. Our own children will one day - no matter how many mistakes we make - will have to take responsibility for their lives and forgive us and move forward. This is no excuse for bad parenting, but I think the experiences of moms who post on this forum and who were hit, spanked and belittled and have nevertheless developed fantastic parenting skills makes you really see how blaming others for our mistakes is not the answer. It is important to pass this message o our kids also. The central figure in my life is me! It starts with me. I can do this now today...


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MRDCatLvr*
None of the options really apply to me as my parents did spank but they never shamed/cohersed us. My mom was the one who did 99% of the disipline as my father worked but she rarly raised her voice she didnt need to.

This sounds like my home. I was spanked but no one ever shamed me or made me feel badly about myself. My mom was the one who did the disipline most of the time but my dad didnt hit or anything. He was the talker. He would talk and talk and talk till it was painful lol. As a teen I would actually ask him to hit me to get it over with because the lecture in my eyes was much worse. One thing that my mom did, that I did with dd (which i regret now) was hotsauce in a sassy mouth. She only had to do it once(as I) and everytime I would start to run my mouth she would just say "hotsauce" and I would pipe up. I have learned that fearing your kids into listening isnt the way to go.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:

It's really hard to make sense of how the person who seemed to be the least violent felt like the least caring. The one who seemed the most violent was the only one who made sure I had the basic skills for self-care. And the person who took the middle path was the one who actually was the most loving, but still didn't make sure I could care for myself as an adult. Because of these experiences, it really peeves me off when people thing any one method of child care or discipline is the answer, or that any one type of discipline will ruin a kid. There are far more factors involved in raising a kid than whether you spank or don't spank. Love, concern, keeping an eye towards your child's future and his ability to care for himself, and keeping an eye open towards each child's individuality counts for a lot. So many people simply look at their own childhoods and think anything must be better than what I went through. Some think, as my mother did-- you shouldn't have to teach children much, they'll just grow and absorb. I've met kids who lived like that and many of us have a lot of resentment over not having basic skills our parents had. Others put people who beat them within an inch of their lives in the same catagory as those who were mild and occasional spankers who were just afraid to have their kids go wrong. It's all crazy. People are very different, and it doesn't help us understand what is really going on in families if we can't be honest about the subject. And having been raised by three very different women, I've come to the conclusion that parenting in opposition to your how you were parented just isn't always the answer for your unique kid-- because your kid wasn't parented by your parents!!!! Your kid is not you. Your kid does not carry the baggage your carry. You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO.

Faith
I think your post brings up some interesting ideas. One for me was a reminder that children aren't meant to learn everything they need from just one person! Another was a reminder of how judgement CAN be useful or not. Judgement for me is most useful when I'm deciding what is right for me and the individual children I care for in particular. Judgement of what is better or right is valuable in deciding what actions, feelings, pov, etc I want to include in my life. At one point I felt very strongly for consensual parenting, thinking everyone could do this, couldn't they? Well I've been humbled since. I went through a move with a four year old who decided after we moved it wasn't okay anymore. For several weeks things were rough and he was angry and sad and wanted to go back to HIS house. I have also been caring for my 2 yr old nephew a couple days a week. He gets hitting, spitting, screaming mad alot of the time if you attempt to talk to him about something he is doing that you don't want him to be doing. My kids have thrived on explanations and talking about alternatives acceptable to everyone and such. My best friend and I have also talked about being noncoercive and I believe sometimes a calm, rational parent who is being coercive in a gentle way is just a decision to do so, possibly in the moment as a way to stay calm or as a way to deal with something in particular where they feel little to no wiggle room or whatever etc. I can still strive for consensual and feel that finding consenus is valuable, because I admire the ideal, BUT I do NOT think everyone could do it or even should. And I have to admit I don't feel that living 100% consensual is even possible at all in this world we live in, its just a continuous dance. We are all individuals, as are our children, and what more can we do than to do our very best each day?
And I have to say the best reminder for me in your post was that without the love and attachment with my children what would all the rest even matter! I hope my kids can look back like I can and say well I won't do this and I wish she had done that but she loves us and we love her and know that I truly did my best, like I do with my mom.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faithnj*
You need to parent based on who your kid is, not just in reaction to how your personally were parented, or else you'll find you had the best intentions, but you'll still be doing your kid a disservice. Seriously. If nothing else, at least remember your kid doesn't carry your baggage and your grudges. So re-parent your self if you have to. But then also keep an eye on your kid and decided what to do with him or her from where they are starting, not from where you are starting. That's JMO.

Faith










I think this is a a really good point, Faith. Kids are SO different (even siblings within a family), and while we can all use a similar GD *framework*, different techniques and practices work for different personalities, both parent and child. It's up to us as parents to figure out how our child responds to different things, how we respond to our child, and then go from there to do the best we can.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

My parents had a paddle...wooden with holes drilled in it (no wind resistance).

But I love my parents very much...they've woken up and realized that wasn't a good thing and my mom parents my youngest brother differently...although a bit too permissive for my liking


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

My father's family had five kids (all boys) and their parents were extremely abusive. Emotionally, phyically, verbally. My father's father was an alcoholic, and a misanthrope who left my grandmother to deal with all those kids by herself all the time. She used to line them up and paddle them one by one every day because she "just knew they'd done something to deserve it."







They did not have a happy family.

My mother was an only child. Her mother was seriously f**ked up as a child, and carried a lot of emotional baggage into her parenting. My grandfather was essentially a very gentle man, but he had to deal with my grandmother and my mom, so he lost his temper a lot. My mom was spanked occasionally, but most of the behavior in her house was driven by shame and guilt.

They have five kids, me, then my sister Andrea 2 years later, my sister Catherine 4 years later, my brother Ben was born 3 years after Cat, and my sister Aimee was born 4 years after Ben. I was 13 when Aimee was born.

When Andrea and I were little my parents both spanked as well as shamed/coerced/etc. It was pretty awful, to be honest.

After Catherine was born, two things happened: 1) my Dad got sick and had to leave work to stay home with the kids, and 2) my mother started working at a very progressive preschool as a teacher. My mom was pretty deep into LLL at the time, and so they were already cosleeping and bfing, as well as doing general attachment-style parenting with Catherine. The preschool did not allow the teachers to utter the word "no" in front of the kids. They were very GD, and sent the teachers to seminars on classroom management and GD. My mother realized that this was the kind of thing she wanted to do at home, so she never spanked again.

Eventually she convinced my father that spanking was wrong. So essentially they broke the cycle of abuse themselves, and more power to them.

It was a good experience for me, I think, because I saw them raising my younger siblings without violence, and vowed that I would do the same with my own children.

They did continue to punish, and that's one thing I am trying hard not to do, but overall I think they did a good job of overcoming their childhood traumas to really become good parents.


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## LinzluvsGJ (Mar 16, 2004)

I think I would be a much different person these days if I were lucky enough to be one of them repeating the cycle of GD.

Instead I'm one of them breaking a cycle of extreme violence that permeates every aspect of my life every day.


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## alley cat (Mar 18, 2006)

I was brought up in a home where children obey there parents if they don't they get disciplined for there own good as God intended. A wooden spoon ,a stick end of a feather duster are God's instruments. Sad but true. I was made to eat vegetables that made me dry retch [ cauliflower].
They still feel children should be brought up to fear God and there parents ,and bottom's were made especially by God's to train a child up in the way he should go . Needless to say I am not a Christian and am breaking the cycle of abuse in my children's lives.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Hugs to all you wonderful mommas. I've cried several times now reading some of your posts. Sometimes its so difficult to understand this world we live in. I'm grateful to my parents for loving us and I know they did do the best they could. It has hit me that to some extent, lesser or greater, we are the product of our parents, even if it was their absence that shaped. My dad came from a good sized family. His parents did hit them and were the 'kids obey, seen not heard' kind. His dad also MADE the brothers fist fight and favored the winner alot of the time. Only the youngest was bought candy and an easter basket, etc. I'm sure you can all imagine the rivalry, jealousy, and hurt in this family. My mom also came from a good sized family. My mom's mom switched them for everything. She also left the younger with the older quite a bit. My mom remembers begging her mom not to leave her with her one older brother and she would anyway. He was a sicko, I won't go into detail here, just trust he was a bastard. One of the older brothers was treated much better than all the other kids and he was the only one allowed to go with their mom when she left. They were church going and their mom was looked up to in the community and always had a good deed and kind word for anyone outside the family- too bad this didn't extend to her own kids much at all. When my mom started to develop breasts her mom started to call her a slut and she was treated even worse. She got switched right up into her teens years and left home young and was pregnant at sixteen. Both families made a big deal and layed on the pressure for my parents to marry, which they did.
I know neither of my parents felt loved or respected by their parents. I guess that's why I can easily forgive them their tresspasses(especially my dad). They did love us, all three of us, and showed it. My dad hit us with a belt when we were young. I can barely remember it I was so young. I remember he would line us up in a row and ask us who did it. I just felt confused like did what? I only remember what is was for one time out of all of them. Because someone had hidden a sandwich in the couch and said they had eaten it. He lined us up with his who did it and if you don't speak up everyone is going to get it







, and we did. My dad was also a drinker, still is, and now is a very alone man. I was happy when my mom left him and remarried and gave birth to my little brother. I don't exactly pity my dad, but feel sorry for what he doesn't even know he miised and is missing. He will call me occasionally but rarely asks after his grandkids, doesn't want to see them.









Quote:

I was made to eat vegetables that made me dry retch [ cauliflower].
My dp had things alot rougher than I did. One of the men his mom was with when he was young did this to him. He was made to sit and eat everything on his plate, even if it took a long time. It was not reheated so he had to eat the veggies cold. A lot of times he barfed. A lot of sense that makes. Sit here until you finish every last nutritious bite, even if it makes you retch up what bit of nutrition you were willing to eat! Now he still feels like he has to finish everything he puts on his plate, even if he isn't hungry anymore alot of the time he will force it in.







His mom was with several different men, none exactly winners. She drank and the men did too, and sometimes did drugs too. She didn't stick up for him







: . He was hit, shamed, name called, coerced, etc. He also was sent to live with other people more than half the time. He's been through more families than you could count on your fingers.
Anyway, it is helpful to me to see what has helped shape us, and them.







hugs to all you mommas who had things rough.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faithnj*
I've said it before, I'll say it again. As a partial reaction to how she was parented, *my mother did GD in the 60's-70's, and she sucked as a parent*, and I had no respect for her. I don't know what she was reading back in those days, but there was a lot of talk about "we don't do this or that in the community," a lot of non-reaction to my bad behavior and a lot of leaving the room. She never did anyting to hurt me, but I never felt she was emotionally involved, and I really hated her. I would hit her, scream at her and do things like throw my socks in her dinner bowl just to see if she'd do anything. (She never did.) She also has some theories about how kids would just grow naturally and didn't need a lot of guidance (Meanwhile she was one of the most educated and capable people you'd ever want to meat.) How in the world she got the idea that I'd just learn how to do things through osmosis is beyond me. Whatever the case, a therapist suggested she let me live with my father instead because she didn't think there was much hope for a relationship between us. She just never felt like a mother to me.

Faith

That's not GD. That's permissive parenting by neglect and a form of emotional abuse. I don't think I would have felt loved as a child if my parents didn't ever care what I did.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

You left out.......

By Parents who were rarely if ever around, therefore leaving discipline as an unecessary waste of time.

My brother and I raised ourselves. Seriously. By age two, I had complete run of the neighborhood. I came home from Kindergarten every day at lunch to an empty house. I made a PBJ and waited for my brother to get home at 3:00.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

I couldn't find one that fit me. I was raised by what would probably be considered gd parents. They respected us as individuals and people. But they also did not accept crappy behavior from us. I don't remeber ever being shamed or coerced. They rarely yelled or hit, but you knew you had really crossed the line when they did. My dad would send us into our room with one swat on the butt. But we were never subjected to a spanking session. I feel very lucky to have grown up with parents who were very involved, taught us to be successful in our lives, had no chemical dependency or depression, and treated us all as unique individuals. I wish every kid could have had my parents.


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