# 23 weeks, no heartbeat



## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

I just suddenly realized this morning, in the shower, that I hadn't felt the baby move in two days. This baby had been so active... just this weekend I was amazed and joking that I'd have mush for organs as soon as the baby got bigger and stronger.
And then nothing.
And it's hard to notice the LACK of something at first. I'm not far along enough for kick counts...

I felt like an idiot, as this is #4 (or 5, if you count the blighted ovum I miscarried), and felt I shouldn't go running to the midwife over just anything.

But... two days of nothing after so much activity...

So, I went. And she spent 30 minutes trying to find the heartbeat. Nothing.

The placenta was still making it's noise. But no heartbeat.

So, I have an ultrasound in an hour. I've already had a good cry. I don't know what to do with myself while I wait. I've lost one full-term baby to a birth injury, lost another little one to miscarriage, this just isn't FAIR.


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## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

Oh, mama.







I am so sorry.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

Oh mama










Love and healing to you


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I am so so sorry.


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## MilkbarMom (Mar 28, 2003)

sending thoughts and prayers your way.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)




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## FiberLover (Feb 6, 2007)

I'm so, so very sorry.

Peace and healing.


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## Olerica (Nov 19, 2007)

Oh Mama. My heart goes out to you!


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## Chic_Mama (Jun 26, 2007)

My sincere prayers go out for you! I am so sorry for your pain.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

I am so, so sorry. You're right--it is not fair at all. You're in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I am so sorry momma....and yes, it's not fair....scream it to the world because it's true!! HUGS!!!









THinking of you and your sweet baby


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

I'm so sorry junegoddess. It is totally unfair, no one should have to bear this. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry.









My heart breaks for the pain you have gone through and have to go through again.









Healing thoughts to you, and







for your sweet little one.


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## KelliHope (Oct 29, 2007)

I am so sorry.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry. Words can not express my sorrow for you.








s


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## Starleigh (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so sorry.







:


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

Our daughter is, indeed, gone.

Now what? Anyone know? I'm sure I'll have to be induced... I had finally found a midwife and real birth center and I was finally going to have a beautiful birth and now I'll be in the military hospital after all and I'm just so damn angry and heartbroken.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Oh God mama, my heart is breaking for you....

Is there anyway that, considering the circumstances, that they would extend some of the nuances to you (ie. candles, music, your birthing position choice) that the birthing centre would have? I, but I am pretty bossy, would insist that I need these things for my mental wellbeing.

Or another alternative, could you be induced by gel or a suppository and then go home to birth in a birthing pool under the supervision of your midwife or unassisted?

Do whatever you need to get through this experience. Do not let anyone bully you into anything that you are uncomfortable with.

Consider taking pictures, keeping momentos (hair, foot and hand prints) and even having a video of your time with your daughter.

You will be in my prayers.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.
Many


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

I'm so sorry.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

i am so sorry


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## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
Is there anyway that, considering the circumstances, that they would extend some of the nuances to you (ie. candles, music, your birthing position choice) that the birthing centre would have? I, but I am pretty bossy, would insist that I need these things for my mental wellbeing.

Or another alternative, could you be induced by gel or a suppository and then go home to birth in a birthing pool under the supervision of your midwife or unassisted?

I'll see what my options are.

I think my midwife is fairly new to things... she seemed blindsided by this. I'm supposed to call her in the morning, to see what my options are. I'm in Texas... not sure what the laws are here regarding what birth centers can do.

If I need drugs I'm pretty sure I'll need to go to the hospital. Which in my case means a military hospital.
The upside is, I've heard they are the best (most lenient/accomodating of all) in the nation.
But I had *just* decided to go ahead and spend the $2000 or so to go with the midwife and birth center instead of the completely-free hospital. So this just really feels like a knife in the gut.
My husband just had his "consult" yesterday for his vascectomy. And we're both pretty sure that we're done, despite the "bad outcome". We have one month to decide for sure.

I just can't do this to myself any more.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I totally understand how overwhelming the death of your little girl is to you and your husband and your future as a family. Thinking about another baby is inconceivable right now and could be for a long time....

Grieve all you need to grieve, your baby and the loss of your birth experience too. As having birthed entirely at home my babies, I can imagine your frustration in the loss of your freedom, especially since you went the extra mile to make it happen.

As a birthing attendant, whether your m/w is new or not, a birth loss always blindsides us. The questions are there as to what should have/could have we done differently...just as I am sure you are questioning.

Thank God for little miracles in the fact that this military hospital, in Texas of all places







, is the most accomodating of all. You may want your midwife to consult on your behalf as to how you would like your birthing experience managed, depending upon what you are up for.

_"I just can't do this to myself any more"_Oh mama, I unfortunately understand your pain. Be patient with yourself and give yourself some time to heal before making any decisions....

You have been heavy on my mind....

Is there anything I can do for you?


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Junegoddess, I so share your pain. I was also looking forward to a beautiful homebirth in the water... ...

I was induced even though I was full term. The doctor was very understanding and my midwife and her assistant were present to support me. It was really great to have their presence, and support. Ask what the hospital can do. I was told I could play music; and I am sure if we wanted candles it will be ok too. You can also use essential oils... make it as comfortable for yourself as possible...

The hospital should totally respect your decision as regards seeing, holding and spending time with your baby.

This is so hard!







I gladly shoulder your pain. Visualize sending out your pain... ...


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## SquibsNCrackers (Oct 21, 2005)

blessings on you and your little one















peace


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

Peace to you, so sorry for your loss.


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## melibee (Aug 20, 2007)

I'm so sorry.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

I'm so so sorry mama. I wish you comfort & peace. My heart is breaking for you & your loved ones


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## mkmama (Jul 9, 2006)

I am so sorry and am praying for you this very minute. I weep with you...


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i am so terribly sorry to hear this, may you find peace and support in friends and family. So sorry for your loss.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am so sorry










Have you named your daughter?


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## A Mothers Love (Nov 1, 2006)

So very sorry.


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## maryjane (Jul 13, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so very sorry. I'll be praying that you'll know what to do about the delivery and that things go smoothly for you.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 24 1/2 weeks.

I would encourage you to hold off on making a decision about the vasectomy for at least a year. How you are feeling right now may be very different then how you feel in a month, 6 months or 12 months form now, but at least in a year you will have a better perspective that isn't as clouded by grief.
Gossamer


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I am so terribly sorry.

Be gentle and patient with yourself. I hope that everything goes as well as possible for you under these circumstances.

Much strength and healing to you, mama


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## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

I thought I would post an update...
Our daughter, Camelia Jay, was born last night (Sunday) at 8:35 pm, after 9 1/2 hours of induction. It was, quite frankly, the one of the worst days of my life, and the single scariest thing I've ever done.

Now it is time to heal.

I'm 99.9% sure I'm done with childbearing. Today is the first day of a new, strange life. I've defined myself with pregnancy for 10 years, all of my adult life, and now I have to figure out how to feel purposeful without pregnancy.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Junegoddess!
Hope, strength, healing and peace to you... ...








Camelia Jay


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## patronia (Nov 28, 2007)

I'm so deeply sorry.


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

My heart breaks for you and your family. May you find peace, strength, and comfort.









Camelia


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your difficult induction. We also lost our daughter at 23 weeks. Please be gentle with yourself in taking time. I'm sure you already know that every loss is different and every grief is unique. It's a challenging time to make decisions. I hope you and your family can find some peace together. I will add your daughter's beautiful name, Camelia Jay, to my daily candle lighting for Rowan.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Camelia Jay. What a beautiful name!

Strength, peace, and healing to you, mama


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## freckledgirl (Sep 2, 2007)

I am so, so sorry.

I love the name you picked for her... Camelia Jay... it's beautiful.


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## roslyn (Aug 23, 2006)

Junegoddess, I had a loss like yours around this time last year. I have a camellia bush in my front yard that I planted for my first loss at 14 weeks. As I left the my house for this one, which had no heartbeat at 20 weeks I noticed that my camellias were blooming. I decided to name her Camille, though I didn't know at the time that she was a girl. I didn't find that out for sure until after DNA testing. At 43, my child-bearing years are over as well after five years of doing little else. I've had three losses and one live birth. I wanted so desperately to have just one more little one, and now I know it's just not to be.

I've said all this to say that I know what you're going through. It is absolutely devastating. You will come through it, but it does hurt. It hurts like nothing else on earth. Just know that there are people here who've been there and who understand your pain. If you need to scream, cry or weep we're here for you.


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)

Oh mama!


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## ikesmom (Oct 29, 2005)

I lost a baby girl too. 2 years later I had my ds and it was unexpected. Take some time before you decide.


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## kayjayjay (Jul 15, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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