# Apparently, my two year old is "offending" another parent



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

I am trying to put myself in this other moms position. I don't think this would bug me but maybe it would.

DD is a little over two. DD and I occasionally spend time with another mom and her daughter who is about 3.5. Whenever she acts up and her mom scolds her, DD looks at her and tells her, "Not nice, CC! Not nice!" or she looks at me and says, "mommy, cc not nice!" When cc whines DD imitates her and then laughs. She does this with everyone.

The last time DD told CC she wasn't nice, CC's mommy told me she really wishes I would correct DD whens he says that. She's "offended" my daughter is telling her daughter she's not nice and the imitation of the whining hurts CC's feelings.

I don't think my 2 year old is going to understand that CC's feelings are hurt. She imitates everyone and for some reason, whining imitations are her new thing. She does it on the subway too. I'm trying to put myself in CC's moms position. If a 10 year old were saying this to her I might be annoyed but not another toddler.


----------



## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Yeah, i think the offense is more at your non correction, not aimed at your 2 yr old.


----------



## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I think your daughter's behaving in a developmentally appropriate way, but there are a lot of things that are developmentally appropriate but that require a parent's redirection or social explanation. At 2, I could totally see my kids doing this. But at 2, I would also have intervened and explained that CC and her mother were having a private conversation and that it's not polite to mimic like that. Or that if CC was having a rough day, her mother will talk to her, not my DD. "That's not your job, sweetie," is a phrase you hear in my house fairly often.









It's sometimes easier with physical actions. If my 2-year-old hauls off and hits someone, I know they're acting their age but I also know that it's my job to show them how to find a different way to interact. Social actions can be trickier for me to figure out at times, but the same general principle applies.


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.


----------



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I think earthmama is spot on. One thing I do at that age is redirect them to another area while saying "Her mama is taking care of her. Your job is to take care of your own behavior."


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Thanks for the sound advice everyone. It is appreciated


----------



## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

My just turned 3 year old LOVES to mimic me when I correct her little brother. He's very little, so my corrections are very gentle, along the lines of a gentle "no-no, we don't bang that," and gently removing his hands. She'll then go over and say "No! We do NOT touch that! We do NOT do that! That is very naughty!" very harshly. It is developmentally very normal that she does that, and I know that she thinks that she's helping, (and no, that is not how I speak to her ever... she has a rather annoying stern streak that comes out when she's in a certain mood), but it's also annoying and poor DS really doesn't need TWO people scolding him.

I have my methods of discipline/correcting my children, and I don't need a toddler interfering with those methods, distracting my child from the message I'm trying to impart, making my corrections into a pile-on, giving mixed signals about behavior that she herself barely understands, and making things a bigger deal than they need to be.

Toddlers do lots of age appropriate but inappropriate things, and it's our job as parents to gently correct their behaviors. When she does this, I would say "Sweetie, Sally's mother is talking to her right now. Why don't you come over here and look at this toy?"


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.

Yes. I think I'd be a little offended too.


----------



## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Add me to the list of those who would be offended because you are not correcting your child. When she says that CC is not nice you should say to her, "CC is very nice, she just did something her Mommy didn't like," or "CC is just having a hard time right now but it is not okay to say she isn't nice." When she imitates CC whining you should say something like, "DD it isn't nice to make fun of other people." I am surprised at your attitude to the situation. How do you think children learn appropriate ways of behaving? It is your responsiblity to teach her appropriate social behaviour.


----------



## alfabetsoup (Jun 13, 2005)

My just-turned-two-year-old does stuff like that to her older sister and she absolutely knows it winds her up. She calls her bad, mimics her and generally teases her and she gets quite a reaction! They are not always as innocent as they seem. So I would correct and redirect as other posters have said.


----------



## ~savah~ (Aug 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthmama369* 
I think your daughter's behaving in a developmentally appropriate way, but there are a lot of things that are developmentally appropriate but that require a parent's redirection or social explanation. At 2, I could totally see my kids doing this. But at 2, I would also have intervened and explained that CC and her mother were having a private conversation and that it's not polite to mimic like that. Or that if CC was having a rough day, her mother will talk to her, not my DD. "That's not your job, sweetie," is a phrase you hear in my house fairly often.









It's sometimes easier with physical actions. If my 2-year-old hauls off and hits someone, I know they're acting their age but I also know that it's my job to show them how to find a different way to interact. Social actions can be trickier for me to figure out at times, but the same general principle applies.









I'm sure that in addition to being punished being mocked would have the potential to hurt feelings.


----------



## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happysmileylady* 
I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO

ITA. I was going to say the same thing. It would be a good idea to use these occurances as teachable moments. If your DD's behavior keeps up without your intervention/guidance, you may find yourselves without this duo as a playdate partner.









ETA: My 2-year-old does the same thing to her 4.5 y.o. sister. Oh, she knows the mockery pushes DD1's buttons! I'm working on the behavior too, OP, so I know it's hard to convince a 2 that teasing isn't nice... so hard, but still important!


----------



## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

I agree with the pp. However I thought I would shine light on what the 3.5 yo might be feeling. My DS is VERY sensitive when he thinks that he has made a "mistake". He's 5 now but even at 3 he would be mortified if another child was also chiming in on what he did "wrong" by telling him he isn't nice. And if the other child was making fun of how he sounded when he was upset (whining/crying) it would only make him feel worse. In my opinion that is not how good friends behave. Yes the kids in this situation are too young for real friendships but its a good opportunity to teach how a caring friend should behave.


----------



## ThisCat (Jun 19, 2010)

I'd be pretty annoyed too. Sorry.







But it must be pretty maddening for the kids she's doing that to, and for it to go uncorrected would just add insult to injury.

When she steps in on discipline, I agree with the PPs that suggested just telling her that the other parent has it under control and then redirect. I used to have to do this with my daughter because she used to try and step in as the other kid's lawyer and still does on occasion.

For the mimicking, I don't think two is too young to try and teach about emotions and empathy. Maybe try talking, very simply of course, about why the other child is upset. It might at least distract her from mimicking them. Or you could just tell her that her behavior probably makes the other child sad and then redirect. I think as long as you're at least trying to address the behavior, then that will make a difference to everyone involved, and your DD will catch on eventually.


----------



## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Just another vote for being annoyed (I don't know that 'offended' is the right word...) and probably disengaging w/ you if your 2 yr old (or any age really) kept teasing my kid and you didn't step in and say something. Just cause' its 'age appropriate' doesn't mean its OK.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would want to hear you say something to your child I think. Something gentle, like, "Her mom is taking care of that, love." It wouldn't take much, but it would make my child feel better, and therefore would make me feel better.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I would want to hear you say something to your child I think. Something gentle, like, "Her mom is taking care of that, love." It wouldn't take much, but it would make my child feel better, and therefore would make me feel better.


Thank you. I wish I could thank all of the helpful posters. I can do this and I don't have a problem doing this. Honestly, I'm sorry CC's mom was PO'ed at me but the next time we're together if DD does this I will gently say something to her about it.


----------



## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

gbailey said:


> My daughter is two years old and the more she is corrected about certain things the more she will do it.
> 
> 
> > I think a nicely phrased sentiment to your DD as she does this would mollify the mom, as she is the one taking offense. More along the lines of social niceties and maintaining friendships rather than actually correcting your DD at the time...


----------



## Katrinaquerida (Mar 24, 2008)

It sounds to me like CC's mom phrased her discomfort in a weird way, which is what caused your confusion in the first place. I think she wanted you to say something, but instead sounded like she wanted your dd to act in a way that was not age appropriate. Just another example of dropping hints gone awry! It sounds like you have it under control now, and your next play date will be better!


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Cascadian said:


> gbailey said:
> 
> 
> > My daughter is two years old and the more she is corrected about certain things the more she will do it.
> ...


----------



## Melaniee (Apr 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happysmileylady* 
I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO

Ditto.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Katrinaquerida* 
It sounds to me like CC's mom phrased her discomfort in a weird way, which is what caused your confusion in the first place. I think she wanted you to say something, but instead sounded like she wanted your dd to act in a way that was not age appropriate. Just another example of dropping hints gone awry! *It sounds like you have it under control now, and your next play date will be better*!


Thanks and I think it will be too.


----------



## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Yes, I agree with a simple "that is not for us to worry about right now, sweetie" should do the trick.

I know a child corrects adults all the time, appears to enjoy telling them they are wrong about something, and it drives me BONKERS. I can empathize with CC


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happysmileylady* 
I wouldn't be upset/annoyed/offended that a 2 year old is telling a 3 year old that she's nice or that the 2yr old is imitating the whining....but I have to say I would be annoyed if it continued without the mom of the 2 yr old saying something to the 2 yr old. IMO, what your dd is doing is perfectly normal 2 yr old behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't teach her that it's not nice or try to correct her.

JMHO










Once each play session and it's a cute "oh she's still in that phase" thing. Over and over and over and it would become quite annoying.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Thank you. I wish I could thank all of the helpful posters. I can do this and I don't have a problem doing this. Honestly, I'm sorry CC's mom was PO'ed at me but the next time we're together if DD does this I will gently say something to her about it.

Sounds good!

Of course, now that you've got a plan, she'll never do it again, and you won't get a chance to try your plan, right?







Isn't that how it often goes.


----------



## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I also think it would be helpful for you to apologize to the other little girl on your DD's behalf when this happens. Something like, "I'm sorry if what DD did/said hurt your feelings. She's a lot littler than you and still learning how to be a friend" or something like that. Not only might it help the other little girl not feel as bad about it, but it models caring about someone else's feelings and apologizing when you accidentally hurt some one for your daughter.


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Honestly, I think the other mother is kinda touchy. I wonder why she didn't say something (nicely) to your dd like "CC isn't bad sweetie, she's just having a bad time right now etc". You probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. My friends and I gently correct each other's kids all the time. It seems to cause a lot less drama that way.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
Honestly, I think the other mother is kinda touchy. I wonder why she didn't say something (nicely) to your dd like "CC isn't bad sweetie, she's just having a bad time right now etc". You probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. My friends and I gently correct each other's kids all the time. It seems to cause a lot less drama that way.

I don't agree with this. It's the OP's place to correct her daughter, especially if she is sitting right there when it happens.

gbailey, I think you have a good, mature friend, and honestly, I would thank her for coming to me and talking honestly about her feelings. It's hard to approach even a very good friend about these kid issues.


----------



## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Oh my gosh, I had no idea this was a phase. DS does this all the time - to the dog! LOL. Luckily Sam doesn't care but I still him the right way to speak to him.

Plus if the other child is 3.5 they are going to be very touchy about what is said to them. My DS was upset for about 2 weeks when his friend called him a "poopy head."

I hope the next play date goes better.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
I don't agree with this. It's the OP's place to correct her daughter, especially if she is sitting right there when it happens.

It depends on the dynamic. I have friends where we all do GD with all the kids, and others where we each only handle our own.


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I guess I just feel like it's ok for moms to gently correct other children, especially if the child is doing something that really bothers them. My friends correct my dd all the time, sometimes for things that imho aren't really that big of a deal. It only takes one time for a mom to say something to my kid, and then I consistently make sure that my dd doesn't repeat the offending behavior. I would feel uncomfortable hanging out with a mom who felt like she had to correct _me_ because my dd was offending her. I think the reason this situation bothered the OP is because of the way the other mom handled it.


----------



## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
Yes, I agree with a simple "that is not for us to worry about right now, sweetie" should do the trick.

I know a child corrects adults all the time, appears to enjoy telling them they are wrong about something, and it drives me BONKERS. I can empathize with CC









My stock phrase was "that's not your job, sweetheart."


----------



## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
My stock phrase was "that's not your job, sweetheart."

Me too! My almost 5 year old will pitch in his two cents when one of his friends or his brother is being talked to. I remind him that he's not the mommy/daddy or that "it's not his job".


----------



## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

gonna be the odd one out here and say that i would not be offended. i would not stop being friends with someone whose two year old was being two. i think that is a bit overboard. BUT i tend to hang out with people who are not offended by the behavior of two year olds. and it could be that after 5 kids (all who have been two) i just know what is normal and so do my friends. ALSO if the other mom doesn't want anyone saying anything to her while she reprimands her kids, she should take them aside and do it. that is what i do. no need to shame them in front of others.
if it was my kid who was doing the mimicking i would just take them aside and tell them to stop. OR i would just say something like "Hey lets go over here while CC's mom talks to her" and redirect.

h


----------



## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

I'm with the gentle "CC's mom can worry about that" camp -- and I often add, away from my child, a little "Sorry! He is in that phase/(whatever)..." -- to try to soften the other parent's embarrassment/discomfort at her child's misbehavior which was pointed out so clearly by my child.

My kids misbehave on a regular basis







and I know that I'm sometimes uncomfortable when other kids are pointing it out super-loudly, etc., but I also am right on top of them immediately to correct/redirect/remind -- to have someone else's child sitting there pointing it out while his/her parent just sat there would sort of add insult to injury. I know that makes it sound all about me, but I think for the dynamics of our playgroups, the parents are "in charge" of their own kids' behaviors/safety/whathaveyou. If the other child's parent isn't saying it to them, I'll smile and tell the other child "Thank you, childsname, I can help ds."


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Just wanted to give an update. We ran into CC and her mom at the library this morning. DD repeated the same thing when CC's mom corrected her about something small. "Not nice CC."







I told DD, "honey, (insert cc's moms name) is taking care of CC. Let's go look at the Elmo books." CC's mom turned to me, winked and mouthed "thank you."

As I said earlier though, I don't believe another young child that age saying this to my DD would bug me and until it happens I won't know. I never, however, want to offend a friend especially one whose company I enjoy.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
My stock phrase was "that's not your job, sweetheart."

Ya, me too. I hate the phrase "Mind your own business, or none of your business"... only because it sounds so third grade. But, I do like a nicely toned "that's not our job honey".


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
I guess I just feel like it's ok for moms to gently correct other children, especially if the child is doing something that really bothers them. My friends correct my dd all the time, sometimes for things that imho aren't really that big of a deal. It only takes one time for a mom to say something to my kid, and then I consistently make sure that my dd doesn't repeat the offending behavior. I would feel uncomfortable hanging out with a mom who felt like she had to correct _me_ because my dd was offending her. I think the reason this situation bothered the OP is because of the way the other mom handled it.

Her friend didn't 'correct' her. She was honest about her and her childs' feelings. If something another child was doing was hurting my kids' feelings on a regular basis and the other parent didn't say anything, what would be an appropriate way to react besides telling the other parent about it? I think the other mom handled it beautifully. She could have just not said anything and stopped seeing the OP.

I don't think there should be a situation where another parent has to correct my child if I'm right there. I think I'm pretty aware of things my kids are doing that even though I'm not bothered may be annoying/hurtful/inconsiderate of other people. For instance, it may not bother me to have my kids running around in a waiting room, but it DOES bother others. I'm not going to wait for some other person who is bothered by the behavior to come up and ask them to stop.

I'm a little confused about this though. I hope you're not saying that even if you noticed that something your little one was doing was hurtful or inconsiderate that you wouldn't correct them because it wasn't hurtful or inconsiderate to YOU. I'm assuming that you don't KNOW the behavior is bothering someone else.


----------



## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

What a great update OP, I love it when we can learn from eachother so well here at MDC! Go us


----------



## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

buttercup: i guess i am not seeing what you are saying here. IF something doesn't bother you, and it wouldn't bother you if it was some other child doing it, then why would you think that it would bother someone else? that IMHO is when someone else might say "hey that is bothering us" either to you or your child. otherwise i would see that all day you would be correcting your child for things that didn't bother you but MIGHT bother someone else. do you see wht i am saying?

h


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm a little confused about this though. I hope you're not saying that even if you noticed that something your little one was doing was hurtful or inconsiderate that you wouldn't correct them because it wasn't hurtful or inconsiderate to YOU. I'm assuming that you don't KNOW the behavior is bothering someone else.[/QUOTE]

I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

I gave an example above about the kids running in the waiting room. There are some things that as a parent, and also someone who works around kids, doesn't bother me. But I think I have enough empathy for other people that I can gauge whether or not something is bothering them.

In the case of the OP, what her dd was doing hurt the child's feelings. It's hard for me to imagine that the OP didn't realize that another 2 or 3 year old wouldn't get upset by being mimicked or mocked while being reprimanded, but let's pretend she didn't. The mom of the other child doesn't have the responsibility to teach the OP's child basic courteous behavior. She may even agree that the child is too young to learn. Who knows? So she went to the OP and asked if she could do something about it. That could be anything from correcting her dd to just moving her away from the situation so that she doesn't interfere. The OP obliged and all is well now. So I think the friend handled the situation well.

I'm actually very surprised that another parent would expect me to stop in the middle of disciplining my own child and correct their child too! Just because the behavior is developmentally appropriate doesn't mean it's ok. If my 18 month old went up and bit my friend, I would intervene. I wouldn't just stand there and expect my friend to correct my child.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
For instance, I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one.

I think there is a wide berth on different rules people have, but that's not the same as a behavior that is clearly hurtful/incondiderate but may be age appropriate.

A good example using your scenario would be that when your 2 yr old was offered some crackers she went in with both hands and grabbed as many as she could. Age appropriate...certainly, but it's not courteous to do that. And believe me, after years of handing out Halloween candy, there are kids that were NOT taught that it's not OK to do that. So I would think that even as young as two the basic rule we would try to instill is 'don't grab'. Some people might teach 'take one at a time', but the basic rule is the same.


----------



## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Just wanted to give an update. We ran into CC and her mom at the library this morning. DD repeated the same thing when CC's mom corrected her about something small. "Not nice CC."







I told DD, "honey, (insert cc's moms name) is taking care of CC. Let's go look at the Elmo books." CC's mom turned to me, winked and mouthed "thank you."

As I said earlier though, I don't believe another young child that age saying this to my DD would bug me and until it happens I won't know. I never, however, want to offend a friend especially one whose company I enjoy.

Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!









What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
I'm a little confused about this though. I hope you're not saying that even if you noticed that something your little one was doing was hurtful or inconsiderate that you wouldn't correct them because it wasn't hurtful or inconsiderate to YOU. I'm assuming that you don't KNOW the behavior is bothering someone else.

I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, *I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers.* Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.[/QUOTE]

I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissMaegie'sMama* 
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!









What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.










Thank you. I REALLY appreciate you saying this. This is one of the reasons why I was so annoyed at another poster questioning how I parent my child. I know we all have different rules for how we deal with our children but I would hope that if I was offended by something another friend and/or her child did with me and DD that they would respect how I feel even if they don't have a problem with said behavior.

I strive everyday to be a better person for myself but also so I can set a good example for my daughter on what being a kind and good spirited human being is about. Thank you again. This was a very special post for me!


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, *I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers.* Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.


I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.[/QUOTE]

It really wasn't annoying. In fact I think my SIL said that because she thought that I wouldn't want dd to have more than one cracker. I don't have a problem with other adults correcting dd, especially since I only really hang out with AP type people (family included, lucky me!). It takes a village!


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
I'm actually very surprised that another parent would expect me to stop in the middle of disciplining my own child and correct their child too! Just because the behavior is developmentally appropriate doesn't mean it's ok. If my 18 month old went up and bit my friend, I would intervene. I wouldn't just stand there and expect my friend to correct my child.

I'm not saying that I expect other people to correct my dd for me, I just think that if my dd is doing something that I am clearly oblivious to they should just say something to her. Honestly, there's such a wide range of toddler behavior it's hard to know what's appropriate to some people and not to others. Obviously we know that 18 month olds shouldn't bite or hit. I would never just stand back and let dd hit another kid.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Well, I would hesitate to correct another child in front of their parent in just about any situation because a lot of people are offended by that. I certainly don't think the OP's friend handled this situation badly by bringing it up to her. If I had to chose between someone correcting my child right in front of me or bringing up the behavior later, I would chose the latter. Not so much in the cookie situation, but in the mocking and mimicking...definitely, I would feel more comfortable with them coming to me later then trying to correct their child AND mine at the same time.

I think gbailey has a good friend, and she IS a good friend to listen to her concerns. I can't imagine a better outcome.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I always correct dd for hurtful behavior (she's only 19 mos, so I guess I redirect). But there are little things that other moms don't allow. For instance, *I was at my SILs the other day and she offered dd an animal cracker out of a big box. DD tried to take two and my SIL said "oh no sweetie, just one". I wouldn't necessarily prevent my dd from taking two animal crackers.* Doesn't seem like a big deal to me (now 3 or 4 would be different). But my SIL thought she should only have one. I have another friend who doesn't like our babies mouthing the same toy. She redirected dd the first time it hapened and so now I don't ever allow dd to put toys in her mouth at that friend's house. No biggie. I don't want to police my dd's every move so I sort of observe other people rules and feel out what they allow and what they don't. Otherwise I'd be stopping my dd from doing everything that may disturb another person.


I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.[/QUOTE]







Especially since toddlers are very much about having one for each hand. It soooo isn't worth dealing with a tantrum over a second animal cracker out of a big box.


----------



## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i agree gbailey, you did an amazing job.









i think that your friend bringing it up was good also. sometimes as a parent we don't always see what our child is doing, OR see what they are doing is hurtful, especially when they are so young.

although i don't expect someone to stop mid reprimand to say something to my kid, IF they saw something at that moment and didn't like it, and i was not witnessing it, they could easily say something like "I am handling this, thanks xxx" i have done that and it never bothered me to do it , nor did it seem to upset that other parents. sometimes i think we as parents get over sensitive, and sort of over think things, make mountains out of mole hills.
all someone needs to do is point out their need, otherwise how on earth are you suppose to know. you friend did that, you listened and it made all the difference.
just like if something doesn't bother you, how are you suppose to know that someone else is bothered by it, unless they say something.

h


----------



## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
I would find this so annoying. Your SIL not you. Does your DD even know what just taking one animal cracker is. Instead of an adult telling such a young child they can only have one of this or one of that, I think they should just give them the amount they want them to have.









Especially since toddlers are very much about having one for each hand. It soooo isn't worth dealing with a tantrum over a second animal cracker out of a big box.[/QUOTE]

YES! My 2 year old HAS to have one for each hand. She expects everyone to know and follow it too...









OP...I think you handled the situation VERY maturely and got great advice. I have to admit I would've been annoyed had a friend brought that up to me. I can so see my DD saying that to someone and my immediate thought would be "Um, she's two". Not saying it's right but I do see where you're coming from!! Glad it worked out so well.

I would be very irritated if a friend scolded my child when I was right there. If there was something that I felt needed to be corrected I would've done it.


----------



## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissMaegie'sMama* 
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!









What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.









This. Think you've handled it really well plus have been super open to some feedback on this thread that could have made you feel pretty defensive.


----------



## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

gbailey Im guessing this is your first baby <3. Parenting is such a learning curve and I can honestly say with my first child if I was in the same situation I would have done the same as you. I mean... hey they are JUST toddlers. It is hard to figure out what should be re directed and what should be left to be worked out by nature I mean really they go through SO many phases.

I think you have a great handle on it now.







Sounds to me like your a great momma for asking / figuring out the situation. I do think the other momma was a bit touchy though


----------



## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

OP, I didn't read each post so I'm not sure if this was touched on or not. I wanted to say though, that you should never underestimate your child's ability to understand things. Kids really are smarter than we think. Their cognitive abilities often far exceed their verbal ones, at least in the early years. It is important to teach them when you can, even if it takes multiple lessons for them to get it right.

I've met moms that use the excuse "he's ONLY 2!" For many of them, it turns into he's ONLY 10!" And they excuse bad behaviors because it's typical of a ten year old. And ten years olds DO outgrow it, but only with redirection. Next thing you know, you have a 16 year old who calling in bomb threats and mom goes "Oh, lots of teens pull pranks, it's ok".

I have a DD who is severely disabled. At almost 3 she is non-mobile and non-verbal. She drools, her eyes wander. She appears to be "not quite there". And many of her doctors assume that. But I can tell you, that this child who appears to be less aware than a newborn, is actually very intelligent and capable of learning. She can get loud. Sometimes whiny. She doesn't speak, but she vocalizes. I've worked with her so she understands that interrupting is not polite, and yelling in a store is not polite. Her therapists told me they've never seen a parent discipline such a severely disabled child before, but they see that she CAN be taught! They also mostly assume the kids are "not all there". She's learning to kick her legs and I'm teaching her not to kick people. Because she might get bigger (we don't really know how long she'll live). If she gets to be 8 or 10, she might actually get big enough to hurt someone. And loud enough to disrupt people at the store or in a restaurant. I don't want to be the mom of the multiply disabled child who everyone tries to ignore while she screams at the top of her lungs at the mall. I've seen it happen many times. People stare, then pretend they weren't staring. They whisper to their friends about how they pity the person and their caregiver. But even though they feel bad for them, they are truly annoyed and wish they would just go away. I don't know if other people like my DD can be taught these things or not. I won't worry about them because they are not my responsibility. But my daughter CAN learn, and so I will teach her.

Never underestimate your child's ability to learn.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Add me to the list of those who would be offended because you are not correcting your child. When she says that CC is not nice you should say to her, "CC is very nice, she just did something her Mommy didn't like," or "CC is just having a hard time right now but it is not okay to say she isn't nice." When she imitates CC whining you should say something like, "DD it isn't nice to make fun of other people." I am surprised at your attitude to the situation. *How do you think children learn appropriate ways of behaving? It is your responsiblity to teach her appropriate social behaviour.*


What's socially appropriate behavior is subjective and what's acceptable to me and my husband may not be appropriate to you or to another parent and vice versa. My husband and I will teach DD what's socially appropriate and acceptable behavior based on our rules for our household.

My attitude is because for me, what DD said and did isn't a big deal. The big issue for me is less about how I feel about it but about how CC and her mother feel about it which is why the situation was dealt with differently when we saw them yesterday.

Yesterday my daughter, not sure if she got it or not, learned a lesson in taking care of another persons feelings and I learned how to listen to a friend rather than shrug off her feelings just because it wasn't a big deal to me.

But the issue has been dealt with. A nice ending


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

DD looks at her and tells her, "Not nice, CC! Not nice"
Where did she pick that up?


----------



## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

bandgeek: there is some truth to that. as in they are only 2 or only 10, or only 5, or only 12. all of those ages have issue and stages of development. do we not help them learn what is usually socially expectable? of course not. BUT i think that more people actually need to learn what is normal for a child of any age. i think we have this idea that they should behave like little adults, and that isn't right. YES they are smart, but just because they can talk and think, doesn't mean they "get" everything. and social issue really are family based. what i find expectable may not be what someone else finds ok. and what they think is ok, someone else might think is not ok. we tend to have general rules of how people should treat each other, but expecting all 2 years to get it and that all families agree on the same thing is a different thing all together.
also i think we tend to get embarrassed by our children's behavior and instead of teaching we react in a way to sort of shame them. i think the OP handled the situation really well.
and honestly, i think there is a lot of over reaction. all though i think what the OP did was wonderful and that it all worked out really well, the mother of CC could have easily have taken her child out of the situation and talked to her privately OR maybe the mom was "worried what others were thinking" and maybe over does the discipline. who knows.
someone else mentioned waiting room scenario, where it doesn't bug you to have your kid running around, BUT it probably bugs others. i don't see that as a good example. i think the general consensus would be that kids get bored, waiting rooms are boring, they will probably get restless and some people it wouldn't bother to have their kid running to and from the fish tank to tell them about the fish, BUT being that it is a closed space, most people would have their kids sit next to the tank and talk to them about it, OR take them for a walk outside the waiting room.
i think really when something is bothering someone, they need to speak up. i don't see it as reprimanding to say something. that is another place people need to chill about stuff. someone saying something to your child or to you, NICELY isn't a smack in your face. it is just a way for them to let you know that something is bugging them. how on earth would you know if (A) bothered me, if 1. it didn't bug you at all, 2. it never bugged you when other children did it. so if (A) bothers me, i need to let you know. but if i am afraid to talk to your child or you for fear you will think i am being mean, then instead i stay quiet and stop hanging around with you. SILLY! one of our greatest gifts as humans is our ability to communicate. when did it become such a huge drama to do it? why are we so overly sensitive?


----------



## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
I would be upset in this mothers shoes. Yeah two year olds are sometimes rude but it is your job as her parent to correct her and teach her better manners and to step in with god manners occaisionally. Honestly I would not put up with it for long before we found someone else to hang out with.

I agree


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaofthree* 
bandgeek: there is some truth to that. as in they are only 2 or only 10, or only 5, or only 12. all of those ages have issue and stages of development. do we not help them learn what is usually socially expectable? of course not. BUT i think that more people actually need to learn what is normal for a child of any age. i think we have this idea that they should behave like little adults, and that isn't right. YES they are smart, but just because they can talk and think, doesn't mean they "get" everything. and social issue really are family based. what i find expectable may not be what someone else finds ok. and what they think is ok, someone else might think is not ok. we tend to have general rules of how people should treat each other, but expecting all 2 years to get it and that all families agree on the same thing is a different thing all together.
also i think we tend to get embarrassed by our children's behavior and instead of teaching we react in a way to sort of shame them. i think the OP handled the situation really well.
and honestly, i think there is a lot of over reaction. all though i think what the OP did was wonderful and that it all worked out really well, the mother of CC could have easily have taken her child out of the situation and talked to her privately OR maybe the mom was "worried what others were thinking" and maybe over does the discipline. who knows.
someone else mentioned waiting room scenario, where it doesn't bug you to have your kid running around, BUT it probably bugs others. i don't see that as a good example. i think the general consensus would be that kids get bored, waiting rooms are boring, they will probably get restless and some people it wouldn't bother to have their kid running to and from the fish tank to tell them about the fish, BUT being that it is a closed space, most people would have their kids sit next to the tank and talk to them about it, OR take them for a walk outside the waiting room.
i think really when something is bothering someone, they need to speak up. i don't see it as reprimanding to say something. that is another place people need to chill about stuff. someone saying something to your child or to you, NICELY isn't a smack in your face. it is just a way for them to let you know that something is bugging them. how on earth would you know if (A) bothered me, if 1. it didn't bug you at all, 2. it never bugged you when other children did it. so if (A) bothers me, i need to let you know. but if i am afraid to talk to your child or you for fear you will think i am being mean, then instead i stay quiet and stop hanging around with you. SILLY! one of our greatest gifts as humans is our ability to communicate. when did it become such a huge drama to do it? why are we so overly sensitive?









Excellent post!


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Posted in wrong thread.


----------



## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
Where did she pick that up?

lol...as if it's a bad thing? Mis-placed...not bad.


----------



## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

What a nice update!


----------



## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissMaegie'sMama* 
Can I say "awesome friend/mama" alert? You honored your friend's (and her daughter's) needs, and by doing so, you validated their feelings. I can imagine it was probably hard for your friend to bring up the issue to you in the first place, so I'll bet she's over the moon right now. In these situations, what frequently happens is that the parent of the teased child will stop returning emails/calls for playdate requests, rather than admit having hurt feelings. Your friend must really value your company. Keep her!









What it comes down to is that it really doesn't matter if the teasing/scolding wouldn't bother you (or your LO) if you were on the receiving end. You put aside your own inclinations and saw the situation from their point-of-view. The teasing bothered your friend and her daughter, but you took care of the situation respectfully. That's what makes a friend a GOOD friend... that's what you are.









Big yeah that.


----------



## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

I think it's one thing if you find your child's behavior appropriate and don't intend to correct them. But the OP stated not that she felt it was appropriate, but that she didn't think her daughter, at "only" 2 years could understand. I'm just pointing out that if my severely developmentally disabled and (possibly) mentally retarded daughter can learn, so can normal, healthy kids. You shouldn't underestimate their abilities JUST because of their age. Now, if you think what they are doing is fine and don't intend to correct them, then whatever. You might lose some friends. But not bothering with teaching children because they couldn't possibly understand is an insult to their intelligence. It's disrespectful.


----------



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I think that's why we're lucky to have a place like MDC, where we can bounce ideas off one another. Being a new mama can be hard, especially if we haven't had a whole lot of experience with little ones before (heck, I was working on a masters degree in early childhood education before I had my first, and I still find myself flummoxed as to what is developmentally appropriate behavior sometimes!). And then there's the whole "navigating the social world of other kids and other mamas" aspect of it all, that can be tough to get used to as well.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bandgeek* 
I think it's one thing if you find your child's behavior appropriate and don't intend to correct them. But the OP stated not that she felt it was appropriate, but that she didn't think her daughter, at "only" 2 years could understand. I'm just pointing out that if my severely developmentally disabled and (possibly) mentally retarded daughter can learn, so can normal, healthy kids. You shouldn't underestimate their abilities JUST because of their age. Now, if you think what they are doing is fine and don't intend to correct them, then whatever. You might lose some friends. *But not bothering with teaching children because they couldn't possibly understand is an insult to their intelligence. It's disrespectful*.


I really take offense to what I've highlighted. I understand your point as you've mentioned previously in another post. The situation has been dealt with in a way that made me comfortable and my friend comfortable and happy. Because I don't believe my daughter will understand certain lessons is not an insult to her intelligence. However, continuing to comment on how I choose to teach my child is insulting to me. I know what my daughter will understand better than anyone else just as you know what's best for your child.

Lastly, my original post was really about *one particular situation*. I wasn't asking for nor do I want a critique on how I am teaching my child. I'm not sure why there's a need to continue to belabor what you've expressed already.


----------



## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I really take offense to what I've highlighted. I understand your point as you've mentioned previously in another post. The situation has been dealt with in a way that made me comfortable and my friend comfortable and happy. Because I don't believe my daughter will understand certain lessons is not an insult to her intelligence. However, continuing to comment on how I choose to teach my child is insulting to me. I know what my daughter will understand better than anyone else just as you know what's best for your child.

Lastly, my original post was really about *one particular situation*. I wasn't asking for nor do I want a critique on how I am teaching my child. I'm not sure why there's a need to continue to belabor what you've expressed already.

Sorry, I should have quoted particular posts. Other posters seemed to be focused on issues separate from your OP, which were the "appropriate vs inappropriate" comments, which is why I pointed out that you didn't seem to be in that situation, based on your OP. I do not apologize for my last comment. I do not know how to say it in a way that is inoffensive to you. And maybe I am sensitive because of my DD's situation, where I see a TON of disrespect towards the mentally handicapped. I thought our story would make an impact on what people know about what children are able to learn, but I guess not. Enjoy your intelligent, fully capable daughter.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bandgeek* 
Sorry, I should have quoted particular posts. Other posters seemed to be focused on issues separate from your OP, which were the "appropriate vs inappropriate" comments, which is why I pointed out that you didn't seem to be in that situation, based on your OP. I do not apologize for my last comment. I do not know how to say it in a way that is inoffensive to you. And maybe I am sensitive because of my DD's situation, *where I see a TON of disrespect towards the mentally handicapped*. I thought our story would make an impact on what people know about what children are able to learn, but I guess not. Enjoy your intelligent, fully capable daughter.

That's unfortunate and shame on those people. I understand your story and thank you for sharing. However, how you choose to deal wtih your wonderful DD doesn't pertain to how I choose to deal with mines. It's a case of different strokes for different folks.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaofthree* 
bandgeek: there is some truth to that. as in they are only 2 or only 10, or only 5, or only 12. all of those ages have issue and stages of development. do we not help them learn what is usually socially expectable? of course not. BUT i think that more people actually need to learn what is normal for a child of any age. i think we have this idea that they should behave like little adults, and that isn't right. YES they are smart, but just because they can talk and think, doesn't mean they "get" everything. and social issue really are family based. what i find expectable may not be what someone else finds ok. and what they think is ok, someone else might think is not ok. we tend to have general rules of how people should treat each other, but expecting all 2 years to get it and that all families agree on the same thing is a different thing all together.
also i think we tend to get embarrassed by our children's behavior and instead of teaching we react in a way to sort of shame them. i think the OP handled the situation really well.
and honestly, i think there is a lot of over reaction. all though i think what the OP did was wonderful and that it all worked out really well, the mother of CC could have easily have taken her child out of the situation and talked to her privately OR maybe the mom was "worried what others were thinking" and maybe over does the discipline. who knows.
someone else mentioned waiting room scenario, where it doesn't bug you to have your kid running around, BUT it probably bugs others. i don't see that as a good example. i think the general consensus would be that kids get bored, waiting rooms are boring, they will probably get restless and some people it wouldn't bother to have their kid running to and from the fish tank to tell them about the fish, BUT being that it is a closed space, most people would have their kids sit next to the tank and talk to them about it, OR take them for a walk outside the waiting room.
i think really when something is bothering someone, they need to speak up. i don't see it as reprimanding to say something. that is another place people need to chill about stuff. someone saying something to your child or to you, NICELY isn't a smack in your face. it is just a way for them to let you know that something is bugging them. how on earth would you know if (A) bothered me, if 1. it didn't bug you at all, 2. it never bugged you when other children did it. so if (A) bothers me, i need to let you know. but if i am afraid to talk to your child or you for fear you will think i am being mean, then instead i stay quiet and stop hanging around with you. SILLY! one of our greatest gifts as humans is our ability to communicate. when did it become such a huge drama to do it? why are we so overly sensitive?

I don't think anyone expects their children to act like little adults. I do think that as we discipline our kids that we have a goal in mind...and that goal should be how they will turn out as adults. So if we allow a two year old to grab a handful of animal crackers, and we never say anything, what we are really doing is allowing society to eventually teach that child that that behavior is unacceptable. As we know, there are some older kids that still behave like that, and as they get older people will be less likely to be nice about teaching them. Eventually someone's going to embarrass them about it. It seems like a silly example, I know. But honestly, if you've ever given out Halloween candy you know exactly what I'm talking about.

It seems from your response that you actually AGREE about the waiting room example as well. MOST people would not let their children run around the room, though some would. Most people would find a way to entertain their children rather than have them annoy others, and some people don't care. I think that has less to do with a "kids will be kids" child rearing philosophy and more to do with the parent being inattentive, and dare I say, lazy. Maybe I'm cynical, but I don't see very many kids running around in places like that where the parent is engaged with the child at all. Usually they are on the phone or reading a magazine. This would be another situation where the child is annoying people, but the parent should be the one intervening. The child is acting appropriately for their age, it's the parent that is dropping the ball.


----------



## Katrinaquerida (Mar 24, 2008)

Glad your next encounter was better! Keep up the good work! Grown up relationships can be so difficult. lol!


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I am going to be nice here, I am guessing your daughter is your first child. But you should be correcting her. She will understand. That kind of talk will only get worse. I do not let my younger children taunt my older ones. My 6 yr old was told to stop doing it when he was 1 and he got it and stopped. Your child is smarter than you think. It is not too early to teach manners.

I am really trying to be nice, so please do not take offense, but you are undermining the other mom and allowing your 2 yr old to taunt the other little girl. Even my 11 month old understands the word no.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I am trying to put myself in this other moms position. I don't think this would bug me but maybe it would.

DD is a little over two. DD and I occasionally spend time with another mom and her daughter who is about 3.5. Whenever she acts up and her mom scolds her, DD looks at her and tells her, "Not nice, CC! Not nice!" or she looks at me and says, "mommy, cc not nice!" When cc whines DD imitates her and then laughs. She does this with everyone.

The last time DD told CC she wasn't nice, CC's mommy told me she really wishes I would correct DD whens he says that. She's "offended" my daughter is telling her daughter she's not nice and the imitation of the whining hurts CC's feelings.

I don't think my 2 year old is going to understand that CC's feelings are hurt. She imitates everyone and for some reason, whining imitations are her new thing. She does it on the subway too. I'm trying to put myself in CC's moms position. If a 10 year old were saying this to her I might be annoyed but not another toddler.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
I am going to be nice here, I am guessing your daughter is your first child. But you should be correcting her. She will understand. That kind of talk will only get worse. I do not let my younger children taunt my older ones. My 6 yr old was told to stop doing it when he was 1 and he got it and stopped. Your child is smarter than you think. It is not too early to teach manners.

I am really trying to be nice, so please do not take offense, but you are undermining the other mom and allowing your 2 yr old to taunt the other little girl. Even my 11 month old understands the word no.









My daughter understands the word no. However, whether she does or doesn't wasn't the question or concern. I guess you haven't read the entire thread because the situation came up again and was handled differently.

And yes, I take offense to you comparing my nearly 2.5 year old to your 11 month old as I am sure you would take offense if I compared my toddler to your 6 or 8 year old. And no, I didn't find your post to be in the least bit nice.
I found it to be condescending and not helpful.

ETA: Nearly everyone who disagreed with how I handled my DD in relation to CC gave a helpful and kind spirited response to my post even when they felt I dealt with the situation badly. When a poster wants a person to see their point of view, I think it's important to write in a spirit of kindness not being judgmental and unkind. I'm never open to a persons way of thinking if the advice given to me is coated with condescension.


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bandgeek* 
But not bothering with teaching children because they couldn't possibly understand is an insult to their intelligence. It's disrespectful.

I think this often. I see people who excuse behavior with "he's only X," and I frequently think they're underestimating what their children can understand.

GBailey, I'm glad things worked out. If I were the other mom, I would've said something to your daughter myself along the lines of "this doesn't concern you" once it was clear that you weren't going to say anything. I know many here - and some of my friends IRL - think it's awful to say *anything* to a child when his/her parents are there, but I don't. So, all in all, I'm glad it worked out for you guys that she came to you and that you said something to your daughter.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Frankly, I was reticent about posting an update because I've heard enough teach your daughter no comments but I learned an important lesson today and I think the positive comments directed towards this situation may have opened my eyes to seeing some things differenty. Today I took away something that is bigger than the incident with CC, her mom and my feelings about it.

Today I took DD to the end of summer reading program event at our local library. There was an older child there who looked about 13 angrily push another parent nearly knocking her down (I don't think it was her intention to knock the woman down but when she did she didn't bother to apologize and it was obvious she pushed her!). The parent asked the woman behind her if she was the mom. When the woman who was pushed confirmed she was, she told her, "your daughter nearly knocked me down and didn't apologize." THe mother rolled her eyes and said she was sorry. The parent who was pushed continued to gripe under the breath about it. After the event was over the mom of the girl who pushed told me she thought the mother was overreacting. She told mer her daughter is only ten although most people thinks she's older and she has her own personality. She kept repeating, "she's only ten and she was in a bad mood!" I gently told her, "I think the other parent was annoyed that your daughter didn't apologize to her once she brought what she did to your attention." Her response" She's only ten! She gets in bad moods just like we do and she really didn't want to be here anyway!"









A light bulb went off in my head when she kept repeating, "she's only ten!" When we came home I took off DD's clothes and told her to put the pants in the dirty clothes and I would put her shirt in. When DD needed to get by me she said,"scuse me mommy!" I realized that my two year old is capable of learning a lot more than I give her credit. She's been taught well enough to say excuse me instead of pushing even though the ten year old in the library wouldn't and she can put her dirty clothes in the hamper.

I don't want my daughters age to be the reason why she's rude to people even if I may not have an issue with certain behavior, she can be taught that what's okay in our household may not be okay in anothers and to be respectful of how another person may feel.

So...for that, I say thank you again to all of the people who gave me something to think about even if I didn't get it right away.


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

What a great thread and update! I'm still trying to figure out about discipline, and wonder what is age appropriate for my little one.

I've learned alot from this thread.


----------



## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Love your second update!

I had a sort of run in with a mom at my DS' after school care. Her DS, 5, stole something of my DS' and broke it. She never said "sorry" and never demanded that he do so. When I expressed dismay, she said, "Yeah, well, he's only a five year old little boy."









I often doubt between having too high standards/expectations of ds' behavior (he's 7.5) and maybe not having high enough. It's a hard balance to find, but I certainly don't want to be like the mom in the library on the mom in DS' after school care!


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DariusMom* 
Love your second update!

*I had a sort of run in with a mom at my DS' after school care. Her DS, 5, stole something of my DS' and broke it. She never said "sorry" and never demanded that he do so. When I expressed dismay, she said, "Yeah, well, he's only a five year old little boy."*









I often doubt between having too high standards/expectations of ds' behavior (he's 7.5) and maybe not having high enough. It's a hard balance to find, but I certainly don't want to be like the mom in the library on the mom in DS' after school care!


I'd be just as p.o'ed as you are. I don't want to be the mom in the library or the mom at your DS's after school care. The 5 year old can speak and could have said I'm sorry along with the mother reminding him that stealing isn't okay!


----------



## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

This is officially Off Topic, but thought I'd share this story:

Another 5yo called my ds a dumba$$ the other day. I immediately told the father, who waved it off with his hand and said "oh, ds." He said it in a tone like "oh, you little rascal".


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
This is officially Off Topic, but thought I'd share this story:

Another 5yo called my ds a dumba$$ the other day. I immediately told the father, who waved it off with his hand and said "oh, ds." He said it in a tone like "oh, you little rascal".










I would have been irked too. You know, since I posted this thread a lot has happened in regards to the whole, "she's only two" or "he's only 8" kind of thing.

When we were at Magic Kingdom this little boy screamed at an old lady, "get outta my way fool" and the parents laughed. The father said he gets it from him having road rage. They just thought it was the funniest thing.

In front of our apartment building a bunch of tenants were chatting it up. My two year old DD tried to take a toy out of another childs hand. I moved her hand away, told her we don't take things from other people and asked her to show him the toys we had under her stroller. Another mom told me, "she's only two"







The issue with my friend was just a lesson learned for me and it seems to keep coming up whether it's me dealing with it directly or not.


----------



## PennyRoo (Dec 7, 2004)

OP, I know I am chiming into this thread at the very end, but I've read through it all and I just want to say how impressed I was to see your receptiveness to all the feedback you received. I think it's rare to see someone so open and undefensive, so hats off to you.









It sounds like you handled this beautifully, and that you continue to see things differently as a result of the discussion on this thread!


----------

