# Toddler (21 mos) just started "daycare" - behavior changes



## Maggyk (Dec 17, 2013)

Hi all,
My baby girl, who is now 21 months old, just started daycare. Before this, my father in law & my parents would take turns watching her. It's not really a formal daycare. It's a lady in our area that watches about 3-5 kids out of her home. The first week she started there, she got sick the second day in so she ended up staying home with me for 5 days. Now she's back with the lady and I have noticed some different behaviors from her and I don't know whether it's related to starting daycare or just a stage of development or a combo. My gut tells me it is due to the daycare but I might be too sensitive. For instance, her temper tantrums are now over anything or nothing at all. My husband picks her up from daycare and is with her until I get home later that night (around 6). Before he would be able to bathe her and get her ready for bed no problem but not that case lately. She will agree to go get a bath, go in the bathroom but as soon as he puts her in the tub, she freaks out. She'll cry, scream and cover her ears. From there, there is no calming down for her. She will be a mess until I get home. As soon as I walk in the door, she is asking to nurse. I barely have time to take my jacket off because she is desperate to nurse. So we sit quietly and nurse and I tell her how much I love her & missed her and ask daddy how their day was. We'll do this for about 10-15 minutes or until she decides she is good to go. When she is through, she is fine but I can tell she is tired so we get ready for bed. These "fits" of crying, screaming & covering her ears will happen randomly. Sometimes I can tell it's because she's tired but other times, I'm thoroughly confused. My folks watched her one day (instead of daycare) and my dad said she cried most of the day for him too which is unusual since those two usually just play all day long like two 2 year olds. The behaviors don't sound like much but they are enough to make me scratch my head & wonder what is going on? She did have a slight ear infection but has been on medication for 5 days now so it should be clearing up. Before when I would take her to the sitter, she would get a little upset when we got in the house but now it seems her melt down is starting sooner & sooner (like at our house before we leave). Yesterday was the worst, we got to the front of the lady's house and she started crying, screaming, shaking her no, saying "no no no no" and waving her hands "no". She looked so scared and upset. I stayed with her and calmed her down & assured her that I would be back. I did not rush out or sneak out (much to the sitter's chagrin) but tried to make sure she acknowledged that mommy had to go to work and that I would see her later and that she would stay with "Ms. A." and have a great day. Maybe I'm making too much of it? Sorry for the long post but it is difficult to describe exactly what changes I notice...they are subtle but they're there. She's started to just throw things on the floor and I'll say "we don't throw things" and she'll just laugh, grab something else & throw it. That I chalk up to a stage. It's the crying, screaming & covering of her ears that my husband and I really upset. It makes us sick to see her like that. I am able to calm her down with some belly rubs & calm breaths but dad is not as successful.


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## ApostolicMama (Apr 22, 2015)

*Inside Info*

Hi there! Well, I hope I can offer some insight, although toddlers keep us guessing a lot. :smile: I worked for several years in child care at 3 different child care facilities. I was the lead teacher of the toddler class at my last position in that field. I absolutely loved it! :smile: Since then I have been blessed to be a stay-home mom to my kids, ages 14 and 2.

From my years in child care I know that it often takes children about 3 weeks to settle into the new routine and environment of a daycare setting, much to the dismay of parents. Usually, they take off and do great. Some have a harder time and it takes longer. It just depends on the child, each have different personalities. So, perhaps the child needs more time to adjust. Waiting can be difficult on the adults though, and on the child too.

The best thing to do is try not to let your child see your anxiety and stress. If you can keep a smile on your face while dropping the child off, give lots of hugs, and let your child know you will be back to pick him/her up later that day. If possible get them involved in an activity before you leave or maybe let them snuggle with a fav toy before departing. Never sneak out, it makes children freak out. It's easier on the parent but harder on the kid. Also, no matter how rushed you are at pick up be sure to greet your child with a huge smile and open arms and lots of hugs and kisses. I probably didn't even need to write that, but you'd be surprised.

I will say that sickness runs rampant in child care settings! It's a part of it. There is no way around that. Unfortunately, parents have to work and often send sick kids to child care and spread germs. It's a nasty truth of child care.

Also, if you feel strongly that child care isn't for you. Revisit the possibility of staying home. It's totally your choice but it's worked for us. My husband has a small income and it's been a big financial sacrifice for us but one that's totally worth it. We don't eat out as much as we use to and we've scaled back on the places we go, we've changed the stores we shop at, and some people have even sold nice homes to move into smaller ones but whatever works for your family. Children are priority so each family must decide what that means to them.

Best of luck! :smile:


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## CanD-Grrl (Apr 29, 2015)

Leaving our children in the care of others is a difficult thing to do. Do you know any of the other children’s parents? Maybe you could ask them some questions? Does this lady have some of the same values and ideas on child-rearing that you have? Is she able to give all the children the attention they need? I’m wondering if you know any family or friends who’d be able to help you with child-care? Are there any other options available to you? It might be a good idea to ponder all your choices.
~Candie~ with an -IE


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## Maggyk (Dec 17, 2013)

I do kind of know one parent. She is the one that recommended this person to us. I don't think this lady has the same parenting style that I do but she seems caring enough. For instance, when the baby was crying & screaming and I was trying to calm her down, the lady came over, picked the baby up and started to walk away from me saying "I'm sorry but the longer you stay the worse it's going to get. Just go. I've been doing this a long time" To which I responded "No, I'm sorry. I know what you're trying to do but I have plenty of time to get to work so I can stay a bit longer" as I took the baby back from her arms. A few times I have gotten there and the other little girl she watches has been at the children's table eating breakfast by herself while the sitter is in the kitchen reading or drinking tea. Maybe it's me but I would have liked to see her at least sit with the little girl as she eats to at least keep her company. Honestly, it is the only option I have right now so I try not to think about it. I don't think she naps all that well either. The lady said she just puts a pillow on a chair and lets my baby decide when she wants to lay down. She said the baby will "have her moments" and will go over to the chair a few times and just lay down. I'm assuming she did this because placing her in a playpen to nap wasn't working. The baby has always napped with one of us (mom, dad, abuelo, pop-pop or mom-mom). We can't afford a regular daycare and the only family I have that could watch her are my parents and they are in their 80s with health problems. They watched her as long as they could but they just can't do it full time. I'm hoping my mother in law will agree to watch her again after her other grandchild turns one. She stopped watching our baby to watch her other grandchild once my sister in law went back to work (which was right around my baby turned one). I guess I'm just really disturbed by the behavior I've witnessed as of late. My husband says when he goes to pick her up, she starts screaming & crying. He can't go near her because she'll cry harder and put her hands over her ears. He eventually gets her and is able to get her into her carseat and she's fine. Then she'll be her happy self again until about bath time at which point she will have a meltdown again until I get home. He gave up on giving her bath and when I tried, she did the same thing. She screamed as if she was in pain. I tested the water and everything but it was fine. It's basically seeing her so upset that upsets us both. She cries, screams, covers her ears and will try to hit us or will bit at her clothes or sheets (if she's in the bed). I'm interested to see how her behavior is over the weekend when I'm home with her all day.


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## ApostolicMama (Apr 22, 2015)

*Be Choosey*

According to what you are saying, it sounds like the child care facility isn't up to par. In the state of TN there are star ratings on centers, and if the center is not a 3 star, at minimum a 2 star rated center....get out of it! The 1 star and 0 stars are horrible. Check your states ratings. Also, I'd check to see what type of training the staff has. Bachlors, Associates, or at least a Child Development Associate trained program, called CDA. If there isn't professional training that is often a red flag. I would talk with the director about the lady who wanted you to leave. That is totally inappropriate practice. You may want to find another center. I would, if it were my child. And before you choose another center, interview the staff (not just the director) and tour the facility. I'd also consider any other family/close friends who might be available to care for your child. And look at the possibility of you staying home with your child. 
The best thing I can say is to do your research! For every 2 good centers there are 10 bad ones, unfortunately, that's just the truth. :frown:


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## littlebear3 (Jul 1, 2014)

Wow. Honestly,i would run not walk from that place. There are wonderful daycare and preschool settings where each child is loved with a tender motherly love. Rocked,cared for,sung to sleep or held, always eats with an adult for obvious safety reasons and socializing. NEVER could i imagine taking an upset child from a consoling mother nor having someone do that to me.

From a childhood psychology perspective,Imo,there are a lot of serious red flags. If you must stay,id highly consider a nanny cam or simple voice recorder in a teddy bear to see what is going on while youre away. Covering her ears could be a sign of an adult who is screaming at the children or simply a behavior she saw other kids doing if another kid is screaming or crying. 

Now,crying for bathtime the way you described...highly concerning. You have a range of possibilities for that trigger,but a fear type responce for bathtime shouldnt be something that started after daycare unless the daycare is doing something with bathtime that she now has a fear associated responce to. In which case,again red flag,there has got to be another place for your sweet girl. There have been cases of nannys disciplining children by putting them in a tub of hot or cold water for being bad. I know these things are hard to think about, but they do happen. If your daughter can't tell you what's happening by speaking,she's showing you with behaviour.

Concidering she had been babysat by family and has grown accustomed to that, this new babysitter should be a relatively easy transition. If this was her first ever babysitting experience,maybe some could be attributed to transition. 

Normal transition behaviours are short lived, and usually involve typical separation anxiety. The things that carry over into the home can be more serious and warrant looking into further by recording, stopping daycare to see if behavior stops,or switching daycares.


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## littlebear3 (Jul 1, 2014)

Just wanted to add that recording laws vary from state to state so if you were to do the nany cam or recorder,I'd check on that prior to doing so.


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## TheBugsMomma (Mar 24, 2015)

I completely agree with little bear. If it were my dd I wouldn't send her back.
As a mom of a dd the same age as your all those behaviors would greatly concern me. 
As a former nanny that daycare setting sounds really strange. I would never take a child from a mothers arms. She is working for you. You are the boss, not her. I nannied for 6 kids aged 3 mos- 6 yrs. 4 separate families. None of them ever cried like that when I picked them up or arrived at their house. None of them had changes in their behavior either. Their parents would have told me. Honestly I would look into getting a nanny if you can't stay home. You can do a trial week, I did that once and it worked really well. The mom stayed with us the first 2 days. 1 day training. Day 2 she stayed out of the way but still close by. Day 3 1/2 day. The rest of the week normal. If you can't afford your own nanny look into a nanny share. 
Trust your gut. If your baby is not happy you need to find her another situation.


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## Maggyk (Dec 17, 2013)

Oh my gosh ladies, seriously I am fighting back tears. I feel so stuck! I have no other options. We simply cannot afford anything else (we tried very hard to have her and it put us in alot of debt --- well worth it IMO). I tested the bathtime thing over the weekend when I am home with her all day and bathtime was fine. No issues, no crying, no screaming. Some resistance at first but she calmed down before we got to the bathroom and was ready to play in the tub once we got to the bathroom. I would agree that the transition should be easier if the sitter was coming to our home. My family has always come to our house to watch her so this is the first time that I am taking her somewhere. This isn't a daycare. This is a lady that watches children in her home. She's not licensed and she told us that but she came highly recommended by a friend of my husband's. The weekend was fine even Friday was way better than the rest of the week. She only did half day there and I was home 2 hours earlier. Even my husband noticed a big difference in her overall demeanor. Did I mention that she exhibits alot of this screaming, crying with everyone else but me? I'm not sure what a nanny share is or how to even go about looking for one. Any suggestions? Seriously, I have to fight the urge to just quit my job. We are working towards me working part time but until then, this is all we have.


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## TheBugsMomma (Mar 24, 2015)

A nanny share is when you and another family share a nanny. So you split the cost. I was a shared nanny a little bit. I watched my main kids boy (5) and his sister (1) and then I watched a second family's dd (1) at the same time. The girls played, boy was at school most of the time so I wasn't over whelmed. I loved it actually. They paid me seperatly, but because the money came from 2 sources instead of one I made more than if I had watched for 1 family, but they paid me less because they had to share me. 
We all met through church. But check care.com, sitter city.com. And put the word out in local mom groups. If you have friends with school aged kids ask them to ask other moms about nanny sharing. I know there were a lot if jobs I had to turn down because the kids would be in school so they only needed me from 2-5 or so and that wasn't enough hours to live on. But I would have done it if I could nanny share with a family with full time little kids and charged everyone less than my normal hourly.

But make sure you always background check. I believe care.com does that for you 

I hope you can find something that works. You should be 100% comfortable with you child care provider. Anything else is not good enough for your lo.


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## littlebear3 (Jul 1, 2014)

Maggyk said:


> Did I mention that she exhibits alot of this screaming, crying with everyone else but me?


In your previous post,you said she couldn't wait to nurse. It sounds like she loves her momma, has a healthy attachment to you, and simply feels safe with you,especially when nursing. If she's having anxiety and stress from her day, that behavior is the telling sign. She may simply want you for comfort from her rough day. Nursing is a very safe place for toddlers to feel comfort and you're the only one that meets that criteria for mommy.☺

I also agree care.com is a great place to start looking for a nanny,nanny share,or just a different licensed care provider. They show their rates and some negotiate pricing like you would with a nanny share.

I'm not sure where you are geographically, but unless it's a ridiculously small town,there's always options but they may take some work.

Imagine if the sitter up and closed her doors, you'd start asking around to figure out who else is recommended. You'd start from square one as if she never existed,but you can do this. Sadly,more often than not, you get what you pay for with child care. ?

Wishing you the best in your search.


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