# The Strong-Willed Child



## addiesmom (Feb 4, 2005)

I just picked up this book by Dr. James Dobson at the library yesterday and was appalled that it was a "how-to" book on spanking.

I desperately need some help with my strong-willed 3.5 yo DD. When she was younger, I called her "spirited", but activity-wise, she is pretty normal so I'm thinking she is just stubborn and opinionated, like....me







I have read 'Raising Your Spirited Child', 'Playful Parenting', 'Positive Discipline', and 'How to Raise Your Kids Without Tearing Them Down' and have loved them all. They make sense to me, and I have implemented the GD parenting styles, but DD is just so tough. If she were a more mellow, laid-back kid, I think we would have great success with the suggestions in all these books, but she is really down-right defiant and DEMANDING and I am losing steam (especially when 10 month old DS has been up since 4am). Why isn't this getting any easier? Is it just the age? Will she flip a switch at age 4? I love the fact that she is strong and smart and funny and animated, but I need help with the daily defiance and the hitting and the screaming. I feel like such a failure as a mom a lot of the days and am just sad that I am not enjoying this more. I especially get bummed out when I get together with other moms that have easy-going kids and I feel as though they are looking at me like I am doing something wrong. I am much more GD than any of those moms, but THEIR kids are the ones that are listening to them and acting respectful. I don't get it. Help?


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

mama!

Hang in there. I *was* the mom with a super-easy-going mellow kid... untill I also became a mom of a super-strong-willed kid as well.

I have two kids with such different temperament you would never guess they have the same parents!

The way I see it I was "given" an "easy job" at first to see if I can handle it (also I was a teen mom, so may be it was decided not to overwhelm me at first







)

Then it was like "Oh, I see. You can do it. What about NOW?"

It's a challenge! My DD is very strong willed and I questioned myself countless times on the parenting style I have chosen (and I am on the very "left" side of GD spectrum, the "non-coersive" clan)

BUT. Ve-e-ery slowly and more and more often I am starting to see much wanted COOPERATION.

Keep on reading the books, come to forums, don't forget to "recharge" yourself by delegating, taking breaks, etc.,

I guess "it was decided" you are strong enough to handle it from the get-go


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## MomInCalifornia (Jul 17, 2003)

I could have written your post. My daughter is the same way...demanding, defiant and down right difficult.

Many days I am ready to run away and never return.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I have none...I will watch this thread and maybe we can both ger advice!


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## gentle_mama04 (Dec 1, 2005)

I haven't read the whole book yet, but maybe Easy to Love Difficult to Dicipline would be a good one. It's helping me with my very high spirited ds.


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

Dobson is way punitive.







He believes and states that children are evil and expounds on punitive parenting...

A much better choice would be Families Where Grace Is In Place or Grace Based Discipline..


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## Faith33 (Jan 3, 2006)

I will anxiously watch this thread. My just turned 4 yr. old dd is very strong willed, just like me. She can be disobedient and defiant also. I also have a 10 month old and the lack of sleep does not help the situation. It leads to more burn out of my patience, etc. . I just wanted to offer hugs and let you know you are not alone.


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## Maiasaura (Aug 12, 2002)

addiesmom......((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
i wish i had good news coming up for you...but if your dd is anything like my ds, four is even worse than 3. but my ds is now 5, and i swear 5 is the reward for not killing them at 3 or 4








i read all those books too. for me, i decided that i am just more authoritative than i originally wanted to be, when my son was little. i do my da**ndest not to be punitive, but i am, sometimes. i guess i'm much more GD than mainstream, but much less than crunch central.
we have a lot of structure in our house, with lots of time for spontanaiety built in, if that makes any sense.
we talk a lot, lot, lot. what would happen if X treated you that way? i don't like to be hit; what would you feel like if i hit you? no, i don't want to hear what you would DO to me if i hit you. i want to hear what you'd feel like. see X's face? what does it say on his face when you snatched his toy away? on and on and on.
we do use lots of consequenses. i guess that's not for this board, but i'd be hiding something or lying if i left it out. it's part of the structure that works well for my son. he knows what to expect.

anyhoo, i wish you luck and lots of patience!
pamela


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## addiesmom (Feb 4, 2005)

Thank you all for your support and advice!

boongirl - Thank you! I have to remind myself on a daily basis that the traits she is showing now are the qualities that will help her become a strong, passionate, successful woman someday. I would never want to change her into a wallflower that obediantly follows directions.......well, most days I don't want that anyway









mercyn - TWO more years?! I was hoping for some type of morphism in a couple of months, but I've heard a lot of people say that they saw a big difference in cooperation by age 5.

Thanks for the book recommendation gentle_mama04 - I'll go look for it.

Thanks to everyone who responded who is in the same boat. It's exhausting isn't it?! If it were once in a while, I could do this blindfolded, but when it seems like everything is a test of the wills, I just want to implode. My husband says it's like playing Jedi-mind games to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. She is such a funny, sweet and intelligent girl, I just want to enjoy her more!!


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I hear you, my DS (7 years) is driving me insane. He won't do anything I say, he always has to have the last word and when I tell him something he just flops on the floor like some kind of fish. I'm SERIOUSLY getting fed up.


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## Mybabymommy (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mercyn*
and i swear 5 is the reward for not killing them at 3 or 4










Really? You promise???

My Lori is SOOOOOO head strong. I know I can't win with her, so I don't even try. In a way she is the boss of the house and she knows it. At least she is a "good" child kwim?


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Oh yeah -- I know. My well-meaning SIL gave it to me too -- about 2 years ago - I flipped through it the other day and had the same reaction! DH saw it sitting in the garbage and said - I guess you did not exactly agree?

I found that author - in addition to the spanking atrocity -- to be absolutely nuts! He includes an entire chapter on his self-righteous interactions with Dr. Spock? I mean, what does that have to do with the subject matter of your book Dr. D?


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## addiesmom (Feb 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TripMom*
Oh yeah -- I know. My well-meaning SIL gave it to me too -- about 2 years ago - I flipped through it the other day and had the same reaction! DH saw it sitting in the garbage and said - I guess you did not exactly agree?











DH said pretty much the same thing to me when I threatened to throw it in the wood burning stove! He begged me not to do it since it was a library book, and I told him that I would just give the library a donation and they could go buy a more appropriate parenting book. I haven't done it yet, it is still by the front door, but it does look like marvelous kindling!


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *addiesmom*









DH said pretty much the same thing to me when I threatened to throw it in the wood burning stove! He begged me not to do it since it was a library book, and I told him that I would just give the library a donation and they could go buy a more appropriate parenting book. I haven't done it yet, it is still by the front door, but it does look like marvelous kindling!









Its funny to think of. I bet DH was totally shocked - I am not one to get crazy about stuff like that!


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## gentle_mama04 (Dec 1, 2005)

I'm not one to destroy books but there are some that can be put to better use. Kindling for a fire is one really good use for that book.


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## brewgirl (Sep 22, 2004)

Only have a moment, but I had to sympathize. I think the advice to ignore other people is wonderful. I have a very mellow nephew and the advice and looks I get from his mother make me cringe.

here's what seems to help us:
-I carefully pick my battles. Safety is at the top of this list. It's just not worth it to me to fight over everything.
-I try not to issue demands. If I say "Buckle your seatbelt now" she won't do it. If I say "Please buckle your seatbelt, okay?" it makes a world of difference. Don't ask me why. I guess it feels to her like she has a choice, even though a seat blet isn't optional.
-I try to have some lighthearted time with her every day. With the constant battle of the wills, I want to make sure she knows I still love her.

I was a strong willed child and am a strong willed person. I remember doing cost/benefit analysis at a very young age and often deciding that a potential punishment was worth whatever I wanted to do. This is something I try to keep in mind with our daughter.

Good luck!


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## addiesmom (Feb 4, 2005)

Hi! I just wanted to tell you all that we have had an amazing couple of days here. DH and I have both been really watching how we talk to DD and she has responded really well. Apparently, again like myself, she is incredably adept at registering frustration in people's voices, and if she hears the slightest bit of frustration/anger when you speak with her, things quickly go askew. Sooooo - we are trying really hard to stay calm and monotone with her when she balks at something we are trying to get done (bedtime, getting dressed, mealtime, leaving the house, etc.) Maybe I'm off target here, but it seems like if she senses frustration, she perceives it as our weakness or fear of losing control and she takes it on as a power struggle. If we stay calm and don't engage her, she has been complying pretty quickly. Like this morning, DH and I both had early morning appts - DH was taking DD and I was taking DS. DH asked if DD could come over to him to put her shoes on (she still needs a little help) and she yelled NO. Normally, he would have responded right away with an explanation of why they needed to hurry etc., but this time he just stayed quiet and looked at her with a blank face. Maybe 15 seconds went by, and she said "okay", and ran over to him. We were both amazed.

The other thing that I think has been a major contributor to our nice days is the issue of 'Please and Thank You'. I read the thread about not requesting this from your children and it made complete sense to me. I had NEVER thought about it before, I just thought I was being a responsible parent reminding her to say these things to me, DH and everyone else who enters our daily activities. I stopped this request on Thursday, and I had to stop myself between 20 and 30 times that day - SHOCK! How annoying for her to hear that reminder over and over and over. Poor thing - I didn't realize. I'm confident that she will pick it up as she grows - DH and I model politeness in and out of our house.

Just wanted to share!


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Yay! So happy to hear things are going so well!


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## Meli65 (Apr 29, 2002)

Ds 1 turned four last November, and three was a heck of a year! He's always been strong-willed and spirited, and the holidays were frankly a nightmare -- way too much stimulation for him.

You've had a lot of good ideas so far. Another book I read (it is a series that looks at children at each age, published by "Parenting" I think?) says that the "half-years" tend to be most difficult -- that is 18 months, 2-1/2, etc. So she might be in a phase.

I am a fan of gentle discipline, but with more of an emphasis on "discipline" than many on this board -- what as worked for us, quite recently, is to remain very calm (it is so easy for me to fly off the handle!) and link negative consequences to negative actions, things like losing a video privilege or sweet treat. As you've already noticed, taking the emotion of out things like this seems to help. Personally I think we let things go a little too much with ds1 because he is so strong-willed and it was easier for him to get his own way -- now that he has a younger brother and our life is more structured it is really necessary for him to be more cooperative.

Re: Dobson, I flipped through this book in a Christian bookstore, was appalled, and wrote a letter to the manager about how mean-spirited it was. She was shocked and agreed to also stock Dr. Sears' Christian parenting book







(I would love for them not to stock Dobson at all but that's a little too much like censorship, alas).


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