# What are the main points in Siblings Without Rivalry?



## mama2ashlynn (Jul 16, 2005)

I just cannot find time to read and really would love to know the main points of this book. I have a 3 and 1 yo and they keep me sooo busy. I would love some good tips from this book, if anyone can help me out with this, I would be so so grateful! Thanks!!!


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

:


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Umm... I paraphrasing without benefit of my book (it's in my bedroom, which my visiting parents are currently using, and even if they weren't I'm not sure I could unearth it..)

1. don't label your kids or assign them roles.
2. don't take sides in disputes.
3. let them problem solve between themselves as much as they can.
4. the more you intervene, the more it becomes a triangular thing about you, and not about their relationship (oh, wait is that from "Mom, Jason's Breathing On Me!"?)

that's all I can think of now.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I think Lynn pretty much covered the main points.

I wanted to add that it is a really easy read. I think I read it in 2 days. If you could find 15 minutes a day to read it, you would probably have it completed in a week.

I thought it was a great book!


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

There are great summary charts at the end of each chapter--just read those. And if you want more in depth...just read the cartoons.







The book has good summaries built in I think.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Since my last conversation about this concept - I've re-read the book...

Read it for yourself. Personally I think the main concepts are damaging to children - so I will not be following the 'methods'.

But, many people like it. The only way you can know if it's for you is to read it. It's short - but badly written, so it's not the easiest read.

I didn't like it. I think that it advocates giving, IMO, too much power to the children over the other children. It leaves too much room for bullying between the kids. It might work if the power balance between your children is even. But if one kid naturally has more 'power' than the other - then it's not a good method.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Kessed, I followed the last thread that you participated on about sibling rivalry. I really appreciate your sharing your experiences and concerns about these books.

I'm very curious about what you think is a better approach. Woud you intervene regularly? How do you not take sides? How do you validate both kids and help them learn to work things out together? Do you supervise them at all times? Do you believe that one child is bullying the other or mistreating the other? I'm just curious because I feel like both of my boys have valid reasons in any issue that arises but I really want them to navigate their own relationship to a certain extent. I"m concerned that if I'm always involved, I will muddy the waters for them.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I don't find this book all that effective at stopping rivalry and found I had to be too forced/fake it just didn't flow for me. I found that some of the ideas were sound however very difficult to implement and often led to shouting matches with each child trying to get her point across.

It's hard to remember what the main points were..it was more about how to validate each persons point of view so that each person felt heard by you, that sort of thing. I read it a number of years back and while the premise was good it didn't "work" to stop the bickering at all.

I still recommend reading it if you find the time. I did take some good ideas out of it and just kind of applied them differently.

A better book for me was "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me" a quick read with some good practical ideas that saved my sanity and literally changed the dynamic between my older children in around a month. I apply similar, though age appropriate ideas to my younger children and it seems to be effective though who is to know that my younger children wouldn't have gotten along great without it







.

Good luck! Sibling fighting is difficult to deal with..I so understand not having time to read a book. I wish all of the gd books would come out on audiobook now..wouldn't that make sense for moms!


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
Kessed, I followed the last thread that you participated on about sibling rivalry. I really appreciate your sharing your experiences and concerns about these books.

I'm very curious about what you think is a better approach. Woud you intervene regularly? How do you not take sides? How do you validate both kids and help them learn to work things out together? Do you supervise them at all times? Do you believe that one child is bullying the other or mistreating the other? I'm just curious because I feel like both of my boys have valid reasons in any issue that arises but I really want them to navigate their own relationship to a certain extent. I"m concerned that if I'm always involved, I will muddy the waters for them.

I agree with not taking sides - most of the time. But, IMO, the book (like many other parenting books) takes it to a ridiculous extreme.

Here's my take. I worshiped the ground my sister walked on. She was 6 years older than me. As a reasult - she could talk me into anything. When we 'worked' things out - I got shafted EVERY TIME. To me - that's bullying. She had all the power in our relationship.

I agree that it is good to validate people's feelings. But I also feel that parents have a responsibility to step in and put a stop to some things. It's not OK to let 1 kid bug another (the "breathing on me" example) and not do anything. I think that the parent has a responsibility to enforce some 'respect' boundaries. So I wouldn't intervene every time - but I wouldn't subject one child to constant bugging by their sibling.

I also feel very strongly about not punishing the innocent party. The book describes sending BOTH kids to their rooms to calm down. But in many situations one of those kids didn't start it - they did nothing wrong except to react to provocation, so why should they be punished? Especially as a child - I was sensitive to fairness - and that approach definitely isn't fair.

I guess here's how I see it. 2 kids deal with things ALL the time without involving their parents. Most interactions don't require their parent's interaction. So - when they request/need a parent to intervene - I think that should happen. I think that intervention should be fair and most of the time impartial.


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## mama2ashlynn (Jul 16, 2005)

thanks so much everyone!


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