# Found you all under terrible circumstances...



## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi all, my name is Tashia preferred to be called Shai. I live in NJ and I am married with 3 other children 10, 4 and 2.

I lost my son. I was 6 months pregnant and I gave birth to him on the 5th. Anyways, his name was Isaiah, he looked like my oldest daughter and husband. He was a pound. Simply gorgeous.

I was bleeding my 1st trimester and my dr told me that i had a blood clot and it should dissolve into the placenta. After a month I stopped bleeding and I went back to him for checkups and he told me that it has dissolved, which was why I stopped bleeding. No problem. Flash forward to the SUnday b4 the 5th. I was feeling WEIRD. I had some pains and then it stopped. I shrugged it off. Later that day I was getting headaches. Tuesday it turned into something worse, something I never felt b4. DH called 911 and they rushed me to the hospital. While I was there I told them the baby wasnt moving. They checked and told me that he was deceased for 3 days.

They forced me to deliver the baby, it was terrible. I never had pain like that for labor before. They gave me suppositories which led to fever of 103, throwing up, diarreah, i mean everything. Anyways. He was born at 3:18 am.

Here is the link and picture of my son Isaiah

http://morethanjustcandles.freewebsp...isaiah_002.jpg


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## NatureMama3 (Feb 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Isaiah!





















He is just gorgeous! What a precious baby.


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## sun-shine01 (Aug 9, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I'm so sorry. He is very beautiful and i'm sorry you had to go through that terrible delivery. your in my thoughts


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## LyndaB (Apr 8, 2003)

I'm so sorry you had to experience all of that. Please know that anytime you need to talk, there's always someone on the boards here--everyone is so helpful and alot of us really do feel your pain. Hugs


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Shai, I am so sorry for your loss. Little Isaiah is just precious. I also lost a baby at 6 months pregnant. It has been almost 8 months now, and the women here have helped me so much. Your story sounds so much like my own. I am so sorry. Please feel free to come here and share as much as you need to.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts.







s


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Shai,
I was told by a mutual friend of ours that you would be possibly coming to MDC. I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU HAVE MADE YOUR WAY HERE...I am sorry that you have had to find us...but so glad you have.

I am sorry Shai for your loss of Isaiah. He is so beautiful and perfect! I cried when I saw his picture...it doesn't seem to matter how much time has gone by since my own child died...it still brings me back to all the feelings that are still so strong.

My hope for you (and all the mama's here) is that you will find some comfort is knowing you are not alone, that you can come here and share everything that you feel you can with us.
You are LOVED, wanted and needed here...
Again, I am sorry honey...I am so so so sorry that Isaiah isn't here anymore to hold and have.









This journey of grief and loss is so hard...simply hard. I have to say that being a mama to other children as well as yourself...it is even harder...in my opinion. Blessings to you mama...please remember to be gentle with yourself and get as much help as you can get with your other little ones.

Love to you Isaiah's mama


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Shai,
I'm so glad you decided to post here. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Isaiah with us- he really is so beautiful...tiny and perfect. Wow. Please feel free to share your thoughts about Isaiah with us- we are here to listen.
















ST


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

i want to thank ALL of you for your kind words. Unfortunately there are many of us out there that is experiencing this. When we buried him yesterday, there were many babies in a row who had passed all this year. It is hearbreaking









Jackie, yeah she got in touch with me and I was surprised that i had expressed all those feelings to her. My emotions are super rollercoasting









Thanks for the compliments on my sexy lil one, he wouldve broken many hearts and then I wouldve gotten on him for being a "player"

(((all the mamas)))) in here

iris you were 6 months as well, may I ask what happened.

I have 3 other children and I never experienced this before, giving birth to a child early.

It was just so weird, he was inside of me dead for 3 days and I had no idea
I shouldve known, I shouldve known

Something shouldve given a clue, a BETTER clue, that something was wrong

O God...............................................

I gotta go...


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Shai {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}} Please do not be so hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Let yourself grieve, let yourself rest and heal. I am so sorry you lost your sweet little boy. It is not easy, tomorrow will not be easy, but you will get through this. The first weeks are very hard, I don't know anything past that, as I am only 3 1/2 weeks into this new phase of life myself. I went through the guilt and the blame last week, it is so hard. Blessings to you, my friend.
Brandi


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so sorry. I know that you will find the women here wonderfully supportive in this awful time. Do take care of yourself right now too.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Shai,
Oh honey...I so wish I could wrap my arms around you right now...just hold you as you cry, scream, kick, yell...let it all out...

Isaiah dying is not your fault. All babies are so different! I have been pg 4 times and they all have been completely different...nothing was the same.

Take each day slowly. Minute by minute, second by second...breathe honey...you have to breathe!

Love to you sweet mama!!!


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)

Shai, I'm so sorry that your beautiful son died.


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Last night wwas hard b/c it was a week yesterday that I had given birth.

I swear I have not seen so many pregnant women in my life or newborns all at one time. I try to get out of the house to do something and I am surrounded by them. I go to church and the pastor's wife is pregnant. We dont talk like how we used to and I don't wish her any ill will or anything on her child, but I know that as she gets bigger, it will hit me. We were only a month and a half apart. She is starting to show and I am so jealous, super jealous. I dont know how I am going to take it when she gives birth. I dont want to relocate from my church, but this is going to take a lot of strength for me to continue on. I sing with her on the worship team and I havent since this happened. I know that there will come a time when I am going to have to fill in when she has this baby, but I dont know. I really dont.

I received a plant today from my mother's job, early this am. It was delivered by a UPS guy. Coincidentally, my husband is this guys supervisor. He was flirting with me, looking at my toes, telling me how cute they are and Im like uh huh...ok. In the back of my mind IM like oooo I SHOULD bust his bubble and tell him I know who YOU are lol, but I sat back and enjoyed his compliments. It made me smile, real big, something I havent done (that wasnt fake) since the loss of my little man. He wished me a good day and winked at me LOL!

I received a gardenia plant, they need a lot of care..whoo! So I named the plant Isaiah, of course and I vow to take as good care of him as I would my own little Isaiah. I would put a picture of Isaiah up next tot he plant, but I dont think I can deal with that just yet.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share.

Have a wonderful day ladies, so far, this day has been so good for me.


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Happy to hear this day is a bit better for you Shai. Just take it one day at a time. It is like a rollercoaster. But you have to let it all out, to let each feeling have its time. Don't feel like you have to apoligize to anyone how you feel. You have every right to be angry and hurt and to have a hard time. Just remember it is ok to feel good too. As I start to have more good days, this has been something difficult to reason out. I feel guilty feeling good. Strange, but I am learning to just take each feeling as it comes and accept them as part of healing. Thinking of you today.
Brandi


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## Ellie'sMom (Aug 10, 2002)

Shai: I just wanted to welcome you here and tell you that your son is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing him with us.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

shai, I'd like to offer you a warm and gentle welcome to Mothering. I'm sorry that losing Isaiah is what brought you here









Please know what your feeling is normal. It's a part of grief to wonder what happend and if there was any way you could have stopped it. Please keep in mind that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss. I know you need to come to this conclusion on your own, but please know there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. Even if you had acted on the pain you felt a few days prior, it's likely that nothing could have been done.

Please remember to take care of yourself right now. You've lost a lot of blood, so it's important for you to keep hydrated. Red Rasberry Leaf tea is wonderful to keep hydrated and strengthen the uterous. Also, try to eat foods high in iron. Leafy greans and beats are wonderful - red meat if you eat meat.

Please feel free to share what you're comfortable with here. The women in this forum are amazing and will listen and support you in any way they can.


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ms. Mom*
Please know what your feeling is normal. It's a part of grief to wonder what happend and if there was any way you could have stopped it. Please keep in mind that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss. I know you need to come to this conclusion on your own, but please know there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. Even if you had acted on the pain you felt a few days prior, it's likely that nothing could have been done.



Are you serious??? I had no idea that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss







OMG, I had no idea. Is this pregnancies that last beyond the 1st trimester. I was pregnant 2 times and has miscarriages, both in the 1st trimester. It was my son, daughter, miscarriage, miscarriage, lisa, miscarriage (right after 9/11 a couple days after I forgot about that one) then Isaiah.

Whoa, now Im even sadder







knowing that I couldnt have prevented this. BUT if the dr had been mindful of what he was doing couldnt he have given me something to thin out the clot. This ass told the dr's at the hospital and nurses that he had NO IDEA WHO I WAS!!! I had been with him for 4 yrs. He was th one who ordered my ultrasound when I ws first bleeding and he denied who I was. The bloodclot, same one, was the one that ended my son's life. If he wasnt being so damn negligent, my son would be here! He lied, he freakin lied to me then he denied me.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Shai, I am so sorry. Several of us here have been very disapionted by our care providers. The midwife on call when I lost Arawyn stayed at home while she ordered tests for me, and then left me laying in a hospital bed waiting for three hours before telling me that my daughter had died. I was so sick and in so much pain, and she knew for three hours but didn't feel like leaving home so early in the morning.







I lost Arawyn to Chorioamnionitis. She weighed 1lb 3ozs. and was 11 inches long. I often felt like I should have done something to prevent this too. I felt these contractions on Friday, but I assured myself they were just braxton hicks contractions. I didn't call the midwife until Saturday night when I started running a high fever and realized that I hadn't felt Arawyn move in a while. But honestly even if I had went in on Friday night, they probably wouldn't have noticed anything wrong.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your Dr really dropped the ball. And then he lied about it. That makes me really mad for you.







If I were you I would report him. I don't know if there was anything he could have done, but he could have treated you with more respect. Maybe if he had started you on heparin early during your pregnancy it could have helped. I'm not a Dr. so I don't really know. You should probably be tested for clotting problems though.

Please continue to share with us here. I am also always available through email [email protected] or pm if you want to talk more privately.





















to you mama your baby boy is beautiful.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Oh your sweet Isaiah. I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful baby boy. Thanks for sharing him with us and for sharing your grief. The ladies here are wonderful for helping cope with the incredible pain and burden of your loss. Keep coming back and talk to us when you need too. We all have very good ears (eyes as it were) and shoulders. Let us help you.


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

A gentle welcome to MDC shai









Your dear son is so precious. He looks so peaceful. Thank you for sharing him with us. Gemini is right - the ladies here are amazing. I hope this place helps you in your healing process. There is much love and support here.


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

Shai, tears are coming into my eyes while I read about you and your little son. He is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your son and your pain with us. I am sorry you had to come here during such a painful time.







s, mama.

Report the dr. It is possible nothing could have been done, but he lied and acted unprofessionally.

Oh, Shai, I hope you are able to take time to heal.


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

((((everyone)) thank you all for your kind words nad your support I appreciate it mamas









I hope that you dont mind but I guess I wnt to use this for my "diary" "blog" or whatever it is instead of making NUMEROUS threads.

This is an email to a good friend of mines. I went to church yesterday and let me tell u all, that was THE HARDEST day, that I've had since the funeral

*sigh*

MY pastor's wife is pregnant, she was a month behind me. Now she has caught up to where I was, well at least 2 weeks she will be 6 months. Her stomach is out, her back is arched and it is just ever so hurtful. I thought hta I would be ok with going to church, I was actually looking forward to it. I get there and she was the first thing I see. She had on a white top with a blue skirt and the shirt was covering her tummy and it looked sooo beautiful. I miss that. I cant continue to go on to church seeing her pregnant and knowing that im not. She is also the worship leader and I cnt worship God and seeing her lead the service. It hurt like hell classy. Im typing this and crying b;c im reliving yesterday. It was very painful, very painful.

It hurts me to know that in a couple months she will be in labor, she will be bringing forth a child. I think I would die if it is a boy. I would really wither away and die. Then as her son gets older, it will kill me seeing her son learning to walk, crawl, teething, all of this I cant go thru. SHe will be able to nurse her baby and I had no chance to do so. Thank GOD I dont have any breastmilk, it didnt come in. If it did, at this stage I have no idea what I would be going thru.

I told pastor I dont know if and when I would be back and he said that it is understandable, but he doesnt want me to be alone during this time. He is going to have a support group for me and rell and if needed the kids. He asked why I was leaving and I told him that I can no longer attend b/c I cant look at your wife knowing that the both of you will bring a child into this world soon and me and my husband cant. He was like o, ok. I felt bad telling him that, but it was the truth,. I couldnt stand there and lie to him. He then told me that he didnt want me to put on a facade, pretending that nothing has ever happened to me and to go on about my business. He wants me to grieve and that just b./c he didnt live on this earth doesnt mean that he wasnt my child and that it should feel no different than anyone losing a mother, cousin, or anyone in their family.

After that, he called his wife over and told her that i would be stepping down and she felt sad. I dont htink that at that time she knew exactly WHY i was stepping down but she knew that it had something to do with Isaiah. She then proceeded to give me a hug. I hugged her for about 10 seconds, then I felt her full of life belly press into mine empty one, I pushed away and ran. I ran, girl, I ran to my car and sat and cried and waited for Rell to come and take me away.

Rell is my hubby btw







AKA...BIGHEAD!!


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## NatureMama3 (Feb 25, 2004)

those are very normal emotions!

I've never experienced a loss that far along, but even with what I have it hurts SOOOOOOO much to see so many happy, healthy pregnant women when I was so EMPTY. I had to stop going to church for a while because all I would do is cry.


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## alaska (Jun 12, 2004)

I'm sorry for your loss. Your son really is beautiful. Your story brought tears to my eyes.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Amy


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NatureMamaOR*







those are very normal emotions!

I've never experienced a loss that far along, but even with what I have it hurts SOOOOOOO much to see so many happy, healthy pregnant women when I was so EMPTY. I had to stop going to church for a while because all I would do is cry.











so u stopped going as well, how long were u gone.

I am scared to leave b/c even though she is only 5 1/2 months. I am afraid that if I step down and I come back she will be 9 months or have her child already and I would be no good again. I might be worse.

Lord, I don't know.


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alaska*
I'm sorry for your loss. Your son really is beautiful. Your story brought tears to my eyes.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Amy

Thanks alaska, yes, he is definitely beautiful and at peace as someone said. I looked at the picture today and would u know, to me, it looks as if he has a smirk on his face. Maybe it is me *shrug*

That little gorgeous man, he would've broken many hearts.

Thanks again for your wishes!!!!


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I had a very wonderful friend that was only five days behind me when I lost my son. As much as I love this person, I couldn't see her for the remainder of her pregnancy (12 weeks). I knew seeing her would just represent what I was no longer...and those emotions where just too much for me to handle, especially so soon after my loss. Thankfully, she respected my wishes and didn't hold it against me or our friendship.

Do whatever you feel you need and as difficult as it can be, try not to feel guilty about it. This has been so hard for me but I've found that whenever I follow my instincts, I always end up feeling at least a little better in the end.


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