# How do you handle "fresh mouth"?



## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

My dd is entering that age (5) where she is suddenly talking back with a snotty tone. Talking back is not new (she'll be a lawyer one day), but the tone is.

For the most part, we have been handling this by saying, "That sounds disrespectful. Find a way to give me the same message in a respectful way." It works in the moment (usually), but it doesn't seem to be doing much as far as extinguishing the behavior.

I know that this is developmentally on target, but I really refuse to be spoken to in that way by my child! What else can I do? I've never really "believed" in time-out, but in the past four days I've done it twice as a result of her being fresh. I think it's more a way to control my own temper. Also, taking away her audience usually puts a stop to it - the longer she has my attention, the worse it gets.

Any suggestions?


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

First, I should say that my 4 YO is just getting to this stage, so this is more "theory" than experience talking!

I think you are on the right track. Remember that GD takes a long time to show consistant pro-active results, but its worth it!

A couple of things that we are trying to speed up the results without getting away from GD ideas. First, you don't have to respond if you don't like the tone. I almost never respond to a request until I hear "please" in an appropriate tone. If the tone or request is especially "smart", I will turn and walk away. This way I 1. Don't give any reinforcement for asking badly and 2. Don't reach out and slap him. You might try this as an alternative to time-out. Rather than moving her into time-out, simply walk away from her. Taking away the audience, however, you do that, is probably the best solution. After all, the rest of the world isn't going to do her bidding if she's unpleasantly demanding and neither should you!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think maybe a sit-down conversation with her would be helpful to start with. State the problem as you see it.... "I've noticed you using a tone of voice lately that makes me feel uncomfortable..." Explain the problems with it.... "People don't feel respected when you speak that way, and they don't want to be helpful to you." Ask for her input, "How can we fix this problem?" Listen to her ideas.

It might be helpful to insitute a "clue word" that you can use in public to let her know that she is doing it again, without embarassing her. She probably can't really "hear" herself in the moment, you know? So if you agreed on a clue word, or gesture, then you could let her know easily, and give her the opportunity to correct her tone.

Also, watch how you speak to her. Several times my 7 yo has pointed out that I sometimes use the same "tone" when I talk to him that I forbid when he speaks to me! It gives me pause to think, and honestly -- when I speak with respect he picks up on it and reciprocates. I'm not accusing you by any means! You seem like a gentle, respectful mom -- but maybe there is an adult in her life who is modelling this?

Finally, I would respond to this exactly the same way I respond to whining. "I'm sorry. I can't listen or help you when your voice sounds that way." Walk away.


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## N2theWoods (Jan 14, 2002)

I have nothing useful to contribute, I just think it's odd that the terms for this kind of talk (which grates on me when my nephews do it to me, and I was the queen of it as I remember,) are all POSITIVE words!!

My mom used to say "don't get smart with me"

I thought smart was a GOOD thing? How confusing or,

"Don't get fresh with me" - isn't fresh also good? We love it in our fruits and vegetables. Am I supposed to be wilted?

"Don't sass me" -- and yet, referring to someone as "sassy" means he/she has spunk in a positive way.

I just find it odd...


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Well I am different from most in that I have a zero tolerance policy on talking rudely. My son has known from the beginning that it is not tolerated. The second he does it (I ask him to do something for example and he shouts NO!) I will say, "excuse me?" in a firm tone. Usually that's all it takes to get him to apologize and act nicely. If not he's in time out. If that doesn't work he's in his room. When he can talk nicely we will discuss what he was upset about. I will not let me kids talk to me like that. A friend of mine today at playgroup said whatever she says to her son (like go to your room) he'll say "No! Go to yours!" This shocks me, how can people let their children talk so rudely to them? No, in my house the very first time if happened it was dealt with promptly and the second and the third. So now all it usually takes is a firm "excuse me" with "the look" and he will back down very quickly! IMO you can't let it happen, even once, or they know you'll let them get away with it. In my house we have zero tolerance for ANYTHING that we do not accept them doing.


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## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

Punishment, time outs or whatever else, will do nothing to stop the fresh mouth. well okay, at some point with harsh enough punishment the behavior might stop, but the negative emotions within your dd will still be the same and likely much worse.

The key is to get to the emotions behind the behavior. How is she feeling when she speaks this way to you? Irritated? Annoyed? Angry? Frustrated? Sad? Lonely?
When you get to these feelings, acknowledge and validate them you will see the behavior subside.

It's easy to react to the 'fresh' mouth. But focus on the larger picture and believe the best about your dd---that she would not speak to you this way unless inside she were truly feeling out of sorts, and that she truly desires a peaceful relationship with you.

It's fine to tell her how it makes you feel when she speaks to you this way, but don't dwell on it. And then in turn, pay respect to her feelings as well. Help her get through what is a tough time for her as well. You really have to get to the emotions behind the behavior to make any progress.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

Once again, I completely agree with Mamaduck.
Sit down when this behavior is NOT happening and tell her how you fell. The Cue word is a great idea!!!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

First make sure you are not doing it to her (Blushing, my children learn something bad from my own example).

Then stay calm.

Think, are you upset she is disagreeing with you or the tone?

Then show her the example. DD, I know you disagree with -me- but that tone of voice is disrespectful. Please say it this way "Give the example". After some time with having you giving the proper way to show discord let her know that you will listen when she uses the nice tones

Don't forget to praise her for not talking back or sassing.

Don't engage or making talking back a battle. Don't be rude back. Also, don't put up with it either. I know that sounds contradiction to my advice of modeling appropriate tones. I honestly believe at that age they do not really understand HOW "smart" or wrong their tone of voice is. They see it on TV or a friends house and just don't always connect what they are exactly doing wrong.

My son went through a major whining phase. It was not stopped until he learned what I meant by don't whine. I had to help him hear the way he sounded and I had to model the behavior I wanted.


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## wildflowermama (Jan 13, 2002)

I second whoever mentioned finding out who is modeling that type of speech. I have often found that when my kids talk to me in an annoying tone, it's because they learned it from me! Also, look to any triggers. Is she bored, lonely, tired, hungry, ect. Often, I find I am short with people when I just need some one on one attention and my kids are the same way. (Or if I feel bad, am bored, sad, hungry, ect.) Obviously you can't always keep the triggers from happening, but perhaps when you hear this type of tone, you could ask your child how she is feeling. Tell her when she talks like that you wonder if there is something wrong in her life. Ask her what she really wants. It is hard to do that in the moment, and I don't do it all the time.(Though it is something I strive to do all the time.) But I have found this kind of questioning and sincere concern to be really helpful when my child is acting out or whining. (Heck, I'd love for someone to look me in the eye and ask me if I feel ok or if there is anything that I need on days when I am "whiney".)

I find you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Mamaduck:























Once again your GD wisdom inspires me.

Rather Harville Hendrix of you, too!


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