# Loss of unplanned baby



## lizajane30 (Mar 19, 2005)

We got pregnant with our third baby despite my IUD. We got through the conflict over keeping the baby we never planned to have. Now the baby is gone and I don't know how I'm going to go on. This may be my last baby. I'm devastated. How does anyone get through this?


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

So so sorry for your loss lizajane. My loss last March was an unplanned pregnancy. That fact does not change the devastation one feels when they lose the baby. Please come here to vent, tell your story and seek support. The women on this board are absolutely wonderful and supportive.


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## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

I just lost an unplanned baby also, and it is by far my most devastating, difficult, heartbreaking loss. I don't know the answer, but I understand your suffering. My thoughts are with you right now.


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## lizajane30 (Mar 19, 2005)

Meara's story

I had a miscarriage about 5 years ago, in between DS and DD, but it was very early on--about 6 weeks or so--and I hadn't yet developed much attachment to the baby. I got over it fairly easily and two months later I was pregnant with DD.

We had decided not to have more kids. I had an IUD and we decided that would be fine until it expired in 7 more years, then we would go ahead and DH would have a vasectomy. Then, lo and behold, I turned up pregnant despite using one of the most effective and reliable forms of birth control available: 99.4% effective. With odds like those, we should have played the lottery!

I knew immediately that I wanted to have this baby. DH wasn't sure. He worried about how it would change our travel plans for fall, how it would affect us financially, and most of all whether it would stretch him too far as a parent. He's a true introvert raising two extroverted kids, and it's stressful for him. So he was justifiably concerned about the toll another child would take on his ability to parent, and on the dynamics of our family.

After much tearful discussion and careful thought, DH agreed that while our marriage probably would not survive an abortion that I did not want, we could survive and of course find joy in raising another baby. I felt a weight lifted, and I began to imagine our life with a third child.

Meanwhile, the pregnancy was proving much more difficult than my previous ones. I was far sicker, and had more aches and pains right from the start. Because the OB had been unable to safely remove the IUD, we were dealing with a miscarriage risk of over 50%. However, I'm not one to worry about things I can't control or predict, and so I went about my life and eventually we told the kids the news. I had several bouts of cramping and some light spotting. Each time I went in to the office with these complaints, an ultrasound showed the baby was healthy and growing.

Last Monday, I had terrible cramps and stomach pain all day. When I woke Tuesday morning and found I could NOT pee not matter what I did, I went in to the OB to find out what was going on. Urinary tract infection, she said, and prescribed antibiotics. She did an ultrasound just to make sure everything was fine, and DS and DD got to see the 11-week-old baby moving. The OB told us that she couldn't be certain but she thought it looked like it was a boy. The kids laughed because the baby's hand was near his head, and they thought he might be sucking his thumb, just like they both did as babies.

Throughout the day, though, my abdominal pain became more and more intense, nearly as intense as labor--and I've been through two drug-free labors! I could barely move and my entire abdomen was painful. By the time the kids were asleep that night, I was doubled over, crying. When I began to bleed heavily, I told DH to take me to the emergency room. I was writhing, shaking and nearly vomiting from the pain. The doctors couldn't even do an exam without first giving me several doses of IV pain medication. When the on-call OB looked, she told me, "I think you already know, you're having a miscarriage. There's no heartbeat, the baby is not living any more."

I wailed and moaned. This couldn't be, it shouldn't be. I had just seen the baby that morning! I shook my head over and over, "No no no no!" I had been holding onto hope even though I knew when I first saw the blood that my baby was gone. My body was still shaking, my pain still intense despite the painkillers.

The doctors put me under so they could perform a D&C to remove the IUD as well as any remaining tissue, so my body could get a break from the pain and effort of expelling the baby. When I awoke, I went crazy. I was raving: yelling, crying, begging for this not to have happened. I couldn't catch my breath, I wanted to disappear. That's when DH started crying. They had to sedate me again.

So here I am at home now, four days later. The physical pain is slowly subsiding.

But this heartbreak, it feels like it will never leave me.

I know in my mind that it will heal over time, but right now in my heart I can't see that far ahead. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know how devastated I would be. I didn't know how much this would feel like losing a child. Which, of course, is exactly what it is.

While I rest and heal, I've picked a meaningful name for our little boy: Meara (mee-ar-uh) means "happy," and Keegan means "little fiery one," which he surely must have been, to come to us despite an IUD blocking his way. I don't want him to be forgotten, only referred to as "the baby who died." I want my children's brother to have a name.

In a few weeks, we'll plant a peach tree in my parents' yard to remember our child; to be reminded, when we taste a sweet peach, of the sweetness of life. DD has agreed to let the baby have her placenta to feed his tree, and DS would like to give the baby a small toy.

We won't forget you, Meara Keegan. Even though we never had a chance to hold you. Even though we never heard your voice. Even though your Papa will never have the pleasure of cradling you in his arms. Even though your brother and sister won't know the exquisite delight of making you laugh. We will never forget the joy of anticipation you brought to our family for an all-too-short time.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

My loss was an unplanned, unexpected, and not that wanted. I felt guilty, alone, it was devestating. I was depressed for months. I wonder if that child was wanted and we could have tried soon after if I'd have been better. It just all sucked.


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

My first loss was an unplanned pregnancy it was really hard. I don't know how I survived it. I mean I remember but it is still hard for my brain to understand how we got through it. I am so sorry for you ladies who had to go through this.


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## celestialdreamer (Nov 18, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I lost a very unexpected pregnancy in January, after going through many of the emotions you described. We hadn't planned on having anymore children, so it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted so desperately right after I lost the baby to get pregnant again, which didn't really make any rational sense. I don't know if that is the right answer, and frankly I don't know if that would change anything for me. Nothing can ever give me back that baby that I lost. Miscarriage can be such a lonely grief and I too still suffer daily. I think naming your baby was a beautiful gesture and I know that has helped me too. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. I am so sorry.


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## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

I too had an unplanned pregnancy. We do not have nay other children. We hadn't planned on having children for a while.

I got very sick, hypermesis, had no energy, a miserable appetite, it was difficult. But I started therapy with a therapist who deals specifically with reproductive health. I started to feel like it was all worth it, I made space in my life and in my heart for a baby.

At our 20 week scan, the doctor said our baby was perfect.

At 22 weeks, feeling a bit better for the first time all pregnancy, I went in for a regular visit. There was no heartbeat. I fell apart.

I also have no idea how I am making it through. It had been two and a half weeks since the visit. The first week was sheer trauma, worse than anything I've ever experienced physically or emotionally.

I go back to work tomorrow after medical leave. I feel empty. I feel like a different person than I was six months ago. Or three weeks ago. I have never experienced grief like this. I feel I have no one who really understands. My partner has been taking care of me, but the loss is different to him. I fear he is even a little relieved. Honestly, there is a small, terrible, guilty part of me that also feels relief. But mostly I feel overwhelmingly sad, and longing for a child I never knew I wanted before I got pregnant, whose kicks I felt, whose future I imagined, who I couldn't wait to meet, who was so much alive, and now is gone.

I had yet to find others whose pregnancies were also unplanned before finding this thread. It is so confusing. And so scary to feel so much not in control of things. I am glad to find others. I'd love to hear from others for whom this was also unplanned and a first child if you're out there.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Lizajane and manhattanmama, I'm so sorry for both your losses. The baby I just lost (will post about it separately) was very much planned, but like you manhattanmama we don't have other children and so I wanted to reply. Every loss of a baby is heartbreaking, but when you don't already have children there's an additional element of anxiety about whether you'll ever have a family if that's something you want.

In your case, perhaps your unplanned pregnancy showed you where you really stand on the family issue--maybe you and your husband really do want a baby now, or maybe you don't. Either way, this sad event may ultimately clarify things for you both. I don't think you should feel guilt for anything you feel. The fact that you ultimately made space in your heart for a baby sounds like a beautiful experience.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

We lost a baby last year this time.
I had my d&c 01/06/12.
I'm now almost 20 weeks with unplanned rainbow baby. We're thrilled. Take time to grieve. This baby doesn't replace the loss. The rainbow is a whole new experience (with anxiety driving the bus)
I always felt my angel baby knew it wasn't wanted and grew wings. But logically there are babies that aren't wanted that live, we all even in planned preg think "get me off this train now"


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Shiloh, I'm so happy for you and your partner on your October rainbow baby! Your story gives me hope.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Thanks! The loss was difficult, the rainbow is anxiety provoking. But the loss forced me to look at all my issues not just the mc. I'm a more humble person for having gone through it. We're in a good place. The rainbow won't replace the angel but they go hand in hand.


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## 1here1there (Jun 10, 2013)

Warning: long post! I am going through a similar situation now. This will be my first forum! Trying to deal the best I can. I am sorry for your loss. I had my paraguard in for 4 years, got sick on vacation before I even missed AF, popped positive on 4 HPTs. I have been with the boyfriend for 4 years- not married yet due to our own insecurities. I have a child( 5) from previous relationship and so does he (8). After the initial shock and sending photos of the HPTs to my friends to confirm I wasn't hallucinating -we got a little excited. 4 years and our own kid together- yeah it was unplanned but still I wanted this sometime down the road. Went to Doctor he refused to take out IUD cause He said it was a risk I would miscarry. HCG levels were low and I miscarried this past weekend. My body still doesn't feel right. I would have only been 5 weeks along at best but I have a 35 day cycle so I'm not sure how that works. I have cried every morning thinking about this. All I can think of is "what would he look like?" I envision holding him. I envision what he went through. I know I could stop but I just don't want to! I almost felt I needed psych medicine. Worse part is two friends called me same day before said "sick vacation" and told me they were expecting. I thought when I took the HPTs -what a unique spectacle as two different people called -it was fate! But they are advancing with their pregnancies and I am sulking. I even tricked myself into thinking I was still pregnant! My HCG levels were 38 on a tuesday, Thursday 19, miscarried all weekend, Monday levels were 21. Those three little point increase had me googling vanishing twin syndrome and I even felt nauseous! I work as a nurse so I am well aware those levels so ridiculously low but hey! I got pregnant with an IUD and I thought that was a miracle! Apparently in browsing the net this has become a common occurrence. I still am sad - I want to leave the relationship and the pain behind. I thought I could carry on find someone new get the IUD out and have our happy family. This miscarriage couldnt happen to me I thought, must mean we werent meant to be. He doesn't understand but wouldn't leave no matter how hard I pushed. Now I can at least pretend I'm happy at work since I'm not bleeding anymore. I even took another pregnancy test on Friday which was still positive which would be 5 days after the 21 HCG -it doesn't have to go much lower why is it hanging around? you know I'm still in denial- and I feel crazy. I didnt want the baby to start with- a hindrance to my already I remember saying "F*CK" like 6 or 7 times looking at the HPT. Now i wish I would have kept my selfish mouth closed. I have not wanted to hang out with friends who have babies- I feel that's awful. What did they do to me?? Nothing. So many emotions- I just wanted to write them down!


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

1here1there, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. Miscarriage brings so many emotions -- I couldn't deal with them all at once. Someone else posted somewhere on this forum about having an unsupportive partner. I just don't think men experience miscarriage loss as deeply as we do.

I agree it is so, so hard to be around pregnant friends or friends who have new babies (everyone I know has a new baby). My oldest friend and I were going through our first pregnancies together. I was 5 weeks ahead of her at 20 weeks when I miscarried two weeks ago. I can barely stand it, and I'll have to see her in a few weeks for her bridal shower. I do wish her happiness but it is so strange to think that she'll have a baby in November and I won't.


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## smlame (Nov 13, 2007)

LizaJane your story was so beautiful and really spoke to me. I have been through 3 losses in the past 12 months and most days I feel very alone. No one, not even my very loving and supportive dh, gets it.....until I come here. So, thank you for sharing your story. And thank you to all the other mamas on this board who share your stories, heartache, and gory details. I might seriously think I was going crazy if I didn't see that how I feel is so normal for what I've gone through.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lizajane30*
> 
> We got pregnant with our third baby despite my IUD. We got through the conflict over keeping the baby we never planned to have. Now the baby is gone and I don't know how I'm going to go on. This may be my last baby. I'm devastated. How does anyone get through this?


Oh my gosh... it is so hard to end your life bearing journey on a loss. I know. Been there.

We had a full term stillbirth in 92. Babies to take home in 94 and 96. Then, an unplanned baby in 2004. Just as I got over the shock and I hubby and I had come to grips with "it wouldn't be the end of the world"... I miscarried. It sucks. Big time. To say it was disappointing would be the hugest understatement ever.

Time doesn't "heal" per say but it does eventually erase some of the sting.

Hoping the time passes on quickly for you. Hugs.... philomom


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