# Unfortunately I'm new here



## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

I have come here from time to time to read your heart wrenching stories and about your beautiful babies. I never thought I would be posting my story here too. I posted in my October ddc and have copied what I wrote over there. I know some of you have already read my story and thank you for your kind words, hugs and prayers.

So here goes...Sorry this is so long...

The beautiful silent birth of my baby boy Griffin Patrick

It all started early Friday evening. I was feeling tired during the afternoon so I laid down on the bed to rest. Got up and did a few things. Realized I hadn't felt the baby move in a while so I grabbed a glass of iced tea and I laid down on the couch. Finally felt the baby move once and got up and made dinner. This was around 6:30-7:00 pm. After dinner I sat on the couch with the family and watched some tv. Went upstairs to lay on the bed. I was tired. Hadn't felt the baby move. but just thought he was resting. I dozed on and off trying to feel him move. Finally fell asleep around 1 am. Got up at 4 am and just had a bad feeling. Hadn't felt him move since that evening. Got more iced tea, nothing. Laid on the couch in many different positions, nothing. Tried to rub my belly, nothing. My husband woke up and I told him I hadn't felt the baby move all night. He tried to relieve me by saying everything was probably alright. I just had an awful feeling. He suggested we take a trip to the hospital where I work so they can listen with the doppler and make me feel better once they hear the heartbeat. I say let me try some more juice. I told him I was just so afraid of going down there and them telling me there was no heartbeat. After dragging my feet we finally got there around 11am.

We dropped the kids in the laundry room at the hospital where my mother was working. With a distressed look on my face I told her I hadn't felt the baby move since last night and we were going upstairs to listen with the doppler. I walked on the unit and grabbed the doppler myself and found an empty bed in the triage room. I laid down and turned the doppler on. One of the girls I work with left what she was doing and came right over and took the doppler. She started looking and nothing. They grabbed a fetal monitor, nothing. In the midst of all this the midwife walked in followed by the doctor. All friends and collegues of mine. They brought the ultrasound over and immediatley began scanning my belly. I couldn't look at the screen. I just squeezed my dh's hand and looked at him and said our baby is dead. They kept looking, but knew it just wasn't going to happen. I started crying hysterically and was hugging my dh. They moved us to an empty room and gave us some privacy. We laid on the bed together and just held each other and cried. Around 11:40 or so dh went downstairs to tell my mother and the kids. He came back up and we made the decision to start the induction that afternoon. I went to see the kids before they left and gave them all big hugs.

The midwife that delivered my other three was called and came in for me around 1pm. My friend who was working that night was called and she came in early for me at 2pm. Dh's parents came to pick the kids up. My whole family lives in the county we do so everyone came to see us. It was so nice to have so much support. Our parish priest was called and came right away to talk with us and say a prayer for us. They prayed the rosary for our family at all six masses this weekend.

The first p-gel went in around 1:45 pm. I was 1 cm and long. Started cramping lightly right of way. Second p-gel went in at 3:45 pm. I was 2 cm and 50 %. Started to contract stronger. She broke my water at 5 pm 3 cm. Copious amounts of clear fluid so no indication of what went wrong. Contractions got a little stronger, but further apart. So many people were in and out. My mother, brother, sister. Finally at 7pm I decide I needed another gel to get things moving quicker. I needed this to be over. The third gel went in and I was 3-4 cm and 80%. Things really picked up. I was lying on my side to keep the gel in so that it worked. Finally this got too uncomfortable. I got out of bed. Stood leaning over the bed rocking. It was getting intense. I knew it was close. Tried to sit on the birthing ball, but it was so uncomfortable. I was asking for stadol because I was in so much emotional pain I didn't want the physical pain too. Got into bed-8cm. I knew it would happen with a couple of contractions. Got the stadol. One second later I felt my body pushing and told them it was coming. My body just took over and in three more pushes the baby was out. He was born at 7:47pm. I was still hoping that they had made a mistake and that I would hear the baby cry. Dh announced that it was a boy. They could see right of way that there was a true knot in the cord that got pulled too tight. I was relieved to have an answer to what happened eventhough it still makes no sense. I have been at many deliveries where the baby comes out screaming and when you look at the cord you see a true knot, sometimes even two. It was closer to Griffin than to the placenta so when he made his last movement that evening he pulled the knot too tight and cut off his lifeline with me. That movement I felt was my little angel boy saying goodbye. I kept saying the whole time how I was afraid to hold the baby after it was born. That all changed after I delivered him. I wanted him right up on my chest like all the others.

He was just so perfect and beautiful like all the others. His skin was so soft and he had a little bit of brown hair. We held him and just held each other and cried. All of our family came in to be with us and each got to hold him. He was 6 lbs 9.8 oz and 20 1/2 inches. A big boy for 35 4/7 weeks. He was so long. Our priest came right in and baptized him. We got to take some pictures of him which my sister got developed for me today. He is just so precious. The kids came down to see him and hold him. They all had age appropriate reactions to him. My oldest is taking it very hard and after we got home today she just laid on the bed with me and cried in my arms.

My friends I work with all came in after my family left and got to see my beautiful boy. It was nice to be where I worked and felt comfortable with everybody. Dh and I got to be with him alone from about 10-12:30 when they finally took him away. We just held each other in bed taking turns holding our son and crying. It was so surreal. It just felt like he was sleeping in my arms. I was so fortunate to have one of my best friends there for me for the delivery and for her support afterwards.

Dh and I slept together holding each other on the small twin bed. I didn't sleep much. Dozed off from around 5:30-7. It was so hard leaving there today empty handed. I feel so empty and sad. This baby was so loved and wanted. My heart just aches. I just feel like it will take so long to heal. Now I have to have my milk come in and not get to nurse my little boy for 2 + years. It is just so hard. Dh has been wonderful. My family has been wonderful. My sister dropped the pictures off today with one of them in a frame. Griffin just looks so beautiful. So perfect and peaceful. My little angel.

We have decided to bury him with a simple graveside service rather than a full church funeral mass. We have to go in the morning to talk to the priest and the funeral director. He will be buried on top of my brother's casket next to where my mother and father will be buried eventually. He will be surrounded by love. It is just so hard. We were not supposed to have to make these decisions.

If you have made it this far thank you. It has felt good for me to write this all down. All I know is I can find some peace when I think that my little boy is up in heaven with his creator and is at peace. He will never know pain or hurt or sadness and I will get to be with him again someday.

Peace and love,

Patti
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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Oh, Patti, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Griffin. I love the name you chose for him, and I am just sorry beyond words he is not in your arms.


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## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

Oh, mama! I am so incredibly sorry and sad for the the loss of your sweet boy.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

Patti my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby son.







to you and your family


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## JLav (Mar 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry for the loss of you son.


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Patti, I am so sorry. So,so sorry. I write this with tears. I can't imagine what you've been going through. Please remember there are real people behind the typed words here who are thinking about you and your family. Having the courage to tell you story will bring comfort to you now and comfort to others who walk in your shoes.

Peace and blessing~

Hilary


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Wow. I can't believe you could tell everyone that soon after everything that happened. So many of us have this happen to us, I being one of the naive ones that believe that after the first 12 weeks everything will be fine. I know that there has to be a reason that it happens, luckily once you gave birth you knew why. It's so terrible to not know why. And even in their time, they still love us so much to say goodbye to us. My son gave me a few kicks the day it happened and much pushing down, telling me he was ready to leave, in which I didn't think he actually meant it.
It has helped me tremendously to be able to talk here and read others stories. I'm happy that there is so much support from everyone here, for all of us that have had to go through such a hard time, after wanting something so bad and not being able to have it. I also lost a much wanted "surprise" son. I was not as far along as you were, I was only 26 1/2 weeks when he died, and 29 1/2 when I finally went in and they told me he was dead. I had a bad feeling, but I refused to go to the doctors until I was ready, which took 3 weeks.
I guess in all reality, they were born and with us to teach us something. I know the creation and death of Jase has taught me so much in this last month. I guess it is like you said, we will be able to be with them again someday, and for now we know that they loved us and that they will always be with us.
I hope you continue to let us know how you are, as it helps everyone. I'm quite sorry about your dear son Griffin, yet it is moments like these that bring all of us together.
Much love to you, Griffin, and the rest of your family.
Love Mary.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Patti I am so sorry for you, your family and Griffin. Thank you very much for sharing your precious son here with us.

Take good care of yourself during this hard time, it sounds like you have a great support system

tara


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Griffin.







You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please be easy on yourselves, and know that we are all here for you in your time of need.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Patti, I am glad to see you found the strength to come over here. Have you had Griffin's service yet? I don't know if I'm remembering correctly, but I thought your sister or maybe you mentioned that it is tomorrow. If so, I wish you strength and support from your family and friends for the service and, of course, in the days, weeks and months to come. Please feel free to come here to cry. We will support you too.

I can't help but notice that you had a brother die. How are your parents dealing with this loss too? My guess is that they haven't said, but let them know their loss has not gone unnoticed.

And your dh? Is he being the typical strong male? I hope he finds time to talk about his son. Please send him my condolences too.

Someone else here said it well that there are real people behind these words being typed who are thinking of you. I hope that brings you a little bit of comfort.

I am just so very sad for you.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow during Griffin's service.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry you lost your son. I am thinking of your family today, as you celebrate your babies wonderful womb life. Hugs & Love


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Oh mama.





















I'm sorry that I couldn't read entirely through your story. Our losses sound similar and I just lost my Reagan one month ago tomorrow. The wounds are still too fresh, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and holding you close in prayer.







s


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Patti,

I hope you are making it through your days as well as you can. It is a rough journey you are embarking on. go easy on yourself.

much love to you.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I'm sure I will be here often.

Griffin's funeral was yesterday. It was so sad, but beautiful. My sister went with one of my mom's friends to dress him. I gave her one of the cloth diapers I had gotten for him. She said he looked too cute. They dressed him in the christening gown that my brothers, sister and I wore. She took a picture of him for me. He looks so beautiful and peaceful. She made a copy and put it in a frame and put it by his tiny casket so everyone could see how precious he was. We have such wonderful family, friends and neighbors. Their kindness, love and support is overwhelming. It is too bad it takes something like this to really realize that.

Keri- I remember you from the running board. Thanks for thinking of my parents and dh. He is being the typical strong male, but he is also a very sensitive guy so he is sharing his feelings. My mother is especially taking this hard. She just feels so helpless for me. My brother comitted suicide 4.5 years ago and my mother has since blamed herself. I don't think she will ever find peace with his death. She feels she could have been a better mother to him. She is the most wonderful person I know and it hurts me that she thinks this way. I think it makes her feel better that Griffin is buried right on top of him. My father said now Kenny has someone to look out for him.

This is going to be a long road, but I'm sure we will all help each other through it. Thanks again.

Patti


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

Patti







Griffin


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## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

Patti,

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a hard thing to deal with. As you know I lost my daughter Bailee Elise 2 1/2 months ago. It has been hard but it gets a little easier in time. I have my moments...Going out in public was hard. The first time I went somewhere, all I saw were proud mothers and fathers with their babies in strollers. That was hard to deal with and I felt robbed.

Just know you have a lot of women here who have been through the same thing you have. Keep posting...It helps to write. I know it helps me. There are a lot of wise women here...

My heart goes out to you and your family.


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## kimmie-pooh (Sep 2, 2003)

Patti, I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet angel boy, Griffin.


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