# New here... 2nd trimester loss (VBAC)



## momma to 3 (Oct 27, 2008)

I had my son at either 24 or 27 weeks -- I am not sure exactly because he was bigger when he was born than my first ultrasound showed. He was so perfect to me... just under 2 LBS, just over 12 inches long and just so perfect. Our 20 week scan showed kidney abnormalities which were, "Incompatible with Life". I really hate that saying. I found out he might be sick on Sept 4th, met with the high rish OB on Sept 7th and then the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist on the 18th... I went into induced labor on Sept 25th and had him after 78 hours on Sept 28, 2008. My sweet baby stayed on this earth for 2 hours and 7 minutes. The short time that I have had to enjoy with him is now given me the worst sadness - I have no idea how to work through this... I am so scared too because of the dark thoughts that I have been having, my husband and I are barely speaking, and he is going back to work tonight. I am going to be alone for the first time in weeks -- I just looked at the clock and in two minutes, it will be 4 weeks since my baby was born. I was probably giving my last push right now... I am so broken. I just cannot express how awful this is and how sorry I am for everybody that has to go through this. I just don't know how to go on anymore.


----------



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Momma, I am so sorry for your loss of Cameron.
What a heartbreaking story and difficult choice to make.
I am sorry that you and your husband are barely speaking;
I'm sure he is grieving, too, though it is my experience that
many times mothers and fathers grieve differently.
Is there a family member or close friend you can turn to?
If your thoughts are truly troubling/scary to you beyond the
realm of "normal" grieving can you talk to a medical professional?
Please know that you are never alone here at MDC.
Another good place to seek on-line support is Share -
www.nationalshareoffice.com - where there are quite a few
other Mamas who have had to face the same difficult choices
you did.
Peace to you & take gentle care.

Em


----------



## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hospice programs often have really helpful bereavement counselors--who are often available to anyone, whether or not their loved one was a hospice patient. We can't say enough good things about our local hospice. They have helped us through a lot of messy and confusing grief.







I hope you can find good support... there are a lot of very caring people here.


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.
















Posting here really helped me a lot afterward. Everyone here knows exactly how you are feeling. It was nice to not feel like I had to screen what I was saying.

I'm sorry your dh is not there for you. Are you having difficulty caring for your other children? Talk to your doctor or whoever you were seeing for your pregnancy (if you were seeing anyone). Let them know how you are feeling. Please talk to someone if it gets to be too much for you. The emotions can be very overwhelming at times.


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am sorry. These anniversary type times are so hard aren't they. Every Friday morning creeps up on me like a thief in the night still, especially about 7.54am when Josie was born. I still have flashbacks of labor so clearly before everything went wrong and boy it can throw me back into chaos so quickly. Today is Josie's due date, and it shouldn't mean a thing because it wasn't when she was born, but it does anyway.

Let others help you in this pain - let them carry yo - I mean friends, other family - anyone who can. Men can be very, very hard to understand when they are grieving. Sometimes a man will appear to withdraw completely because they can't deal with what they're feeling and simply are avoiding thinking about it. Sometimes they will appear nonchalant or cold because they're trying to be "strong" for you and think that bringing it up is going to upset you more. Sometimes men just don't know how to deal with sadness openly displayed. Sometimes, they do know - it depends on how your guy was raised and how he was taught to deal with grief and pain.

Your man sounds like he is having a very hard time dealing with his own pain. He might come out of this and begin to be himself again, or he might need help. To me, he sounds very lost. I don't know - Harry's not been so much like that, probably because he's been through this before but if he were acting the way your guy is I would be tempted to seek out a close friend of his and talk to them in the hope that hey might get him talking. Harry does still sometimes talk more freely with his friends than me, again, because he wants to be strong for me. But, we also do talk together now as well and I don't think he's afraid of me crying in front of him as long as I make an effort to express honestly what it is that mad me cry (even if it makes no sense).

Gosh, grief is such a difficult process to make any sense of sometimes. My heart is with you - if you need to talk, PM me - I'm not afraid to talk about anything! Hugs to you XXX


----------



## usmcwfe (Aug 17, 2006)

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say other than I am heartbroken for you and your dh. I pray for peace for your heart.


----------



## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:

Men can be very, very hard to understand when they are grieving. Sometimes a man will appear to withdraw completely because they can't deal with what they're feeling and simply are avoiding thinking about it. Sometimes they will appear nonchalant or cold because they're trying to be "strong" for you and think that bringing it up is going to upset you more. Sometimes men just don't know how to deal with sadness openly displayed. Sometimes, they do know - it depends on how your guy was raised and how he was taught to deal with grief and pain.
















I'm so sorry about your little Cameron.
We are all here for you so feel free to talk!


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge hugs and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.


----------



## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I am sorry you lost your sweet Cameron. I am thinking of you and your family.


----------



## kristaguerin (Nov 4, 2008)

I lost my baby at 14wks due to cysts that had formed on the kidneys rendering a similar diagnosis of "incompatiable with life." I had a D&C and have felt very heartbroken over the whole situation. I wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss and share something that my husband told me. I felt that he had gotten over the loss more quickly than I had and was showing less emotion and that seemed upsetting to me. He explained to me that it was so painful for him to think about he was afraid if he did, he wouldn't be able to pick himself back up and so the only way he could get through the pain he felt was to hold it inside. He also wanted very badly to stay strong for me. After i heard this i realized that my husband was going through just as much pain as i was, but his coping technique was just different than mine. He has been incredibly supportive and i felt a lot better about his behavior once i talked to him.

I kept thinking that i would never be able to get over what happened but time has really helped. Some days are so painful but i always think that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. Hang in there, you and your family are in my thoughts


----------

