# Early Miscarriage & mixed emotions



## IslandMamma (Jun 12, 2003)

This is my first post ever in this forum. I've always felt afraid of it, a bit like "there bit for the grace of god go I....."

Over the last few days, I've been miscarrying a very early pregnancy....about 3 weeks, by our best guess. We weren't TTC, in fact, rather the opposite. It took over 4 years to conceive DS, and to be honest, we weren't taking strict precautions..

I've had such a range of emotions hit me, both with the dawning realization that I was pregant, and then the almost immediate miscarriage. Guilt, fear, grief, and even a sense of relief, which just makes me feel guiltier.

Today after some mild contractions (brought about my nursing my 10 month old, ironically), I passed some tissue and quite a bit of blood, and tonight, it's dramatically slowed. There is a finality to this, a sadness and a pain, that really has me feeling in a fog. Is it okay to be numb about this?

We want a second child, but we didn't feel ready. Such a mix of emotions after realizing the conception...I almost feel like I somehow brought about the miscarriage by not embracing the pregnancy. Then there's this dull sadness, it aches like my belly right now (I can't believe how much the contractions were just that-- real contractions), and this awful bitter aftertaste of relief.

I finally broke down tonight, let myself grieve and cry, but then DH made a very sincere attempt at comfort-- he said it was nature's way of my body saying it's not ready for another child, and while he might be right, all I wanted to do was punch him. I'm mad at him for not feeling the range of emotions with me.

Last night I dreamed this baby, I had birthed her and knew she was dying, she was tiny--so tiny-- and she fit in the palm of one hand and smiled at me, and closed her eyes. She was perfectly formed, a miniature replica of a full-term baby. I just held her to my heart. It was after this dream this morning that I had the heaviest flow.

I want to be feeling more. Anger, rage, sobbing, anything but this vague emptiness. I know it will be okay, and I have buried myself into my son, but I feel my newness at this loss like walking in a very thick fog.

Thanks for bearing witness, mamas.


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## saintmom (Aug 19, 2003)

Hugs to you!!!!Please be gentle with yourself.Grief can take awhile to work through.I dreamed of my babies each time before i lost them too.It's a hard valley to walk through but it'll be okay in the end.So sorry......


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

All of those feelings are completely normal. The numbness and emptiness can last a while, sometimes I think it's only through that period of feeling numb and empty is needed to carry you through to the next stage. Anger is normal too and if it helps, I actually threw a book at my dh one time when he was attempting to comfort me.
A loss is a loss, no matter how early. I find myself asking how this little person I never met, never felt moving but who made me horribly sick for weeks could effect me so drastically. You sometimes feel silly but theres nothing silly about it. From the moment you tested positive you had hopes and dreams for your little one.
Love and take care of your son but take some time for yourself as well.
And I'm with you on the surprise of how strong the contractions can be. I had been told all along it would just be like a heavy period, it is for some, but I think more often than not it can be very painful.
Take care


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

(( hugs)) to you

it is a very hard thing to go through and a loss is a loss at any stage with all the same thoughts and feelings.

take extra care of yourself in this time and allow yourself the time to need to grieve.

i also had a dream about my daughter that i lost, that is how i knew she was a girl, it brought me peace to know she was ok

take care

tara


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

I've had two miscarriages and the first one was when we were not TTC and it was a really bad time in our relationship. I had the same mixed emotions you are feeling, and also the numbness and emptiness. Whatever we think rationally our bodies and emotions go through a very real grieving process. And all the hormonal changes are intense. Also, people say the stupidest things - even if they are well intentioned - after a miscarriage. Nobody else, including our partners, is experiencing it in the same concrete physical way so I found it to be an incredibly personal and sometimes lonely experience.
For me the grieving with each miscarriage came and went and came and went over a period of about 3 months. It shocked me how long it lasted and how I would feel ok one minute and be a wreck the next. It is so important to really nurture yourself, physically and emotionally, and focus on going through this rather than thinking you should be feeling/doing something different. I slept a lot, ate well, drank tons of nettle and raspberry tea, journalled, drew, sewed, whatever helped me feel ok. Oh, and I cried and yelled and screamed too. having some sort of simple 'ceremony' at the sea with Dh was very important each time when I was ready, as a means of "letting go". Be kind to yourself.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

IslandMama, it sounds like you are doing just the right things for yourself and your family right now. please remember that even an early miscarriage is still a birth, and that you are going through all the mixed emotions, hormones and stresses that a labor brings.

i think shannon is right, in that we are given a gift of numbness right at the beginning so we can deal with the physical challenges of a loss. i know that i was actually proud of myself for not breaking down and "losing it" after my first m/c... and then about a week later, the storm hit, HARD.

there is no one path through this experience. be kind to yourself, and allow your family and friends to care for you, just like you would try to care for a friend going through the same thing.

i'm glad you decided to come visit our forum. it's the most compassionate and kindest place on MDC, full of the wisest and gentlest mommas. we've all been through a loss here, and you will find plenty of support and warmth. don't be afraid to ask questions or post crazy talk... grief takes many shapes and colors.

please check in and let us know how you are doing.

warmly, katje


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## IslandMamma (Jun 12, 2003)

Thank you so much mommas..... I feel incredibly supported and understood here.

I'm not bleeding much but still having contractions and cramping, some of which double me over. I called my midwife today, and she advises giving my body a few more days before any possible other measures, like a d&c, which I desperately want to avoid.

As some of you know, I'm an EMT. Well, today I went to the funeral of a 21-year-old crash victim that I attended...somehow, the grieving of her family opened a floodgate for my own. We stood at the ocean's edge, and I felt like I was crying for every mama who has ever lost a baby, be they 3 weeks in utero, or 30 years... I felt a biut selfish, to assimilate the grief, but it was absolutely cathartic and somehow necessary.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

IslandMama, I'm so sorry for your loss.









Last October, I had a loss at about 8 weeks, and I was in a lot of pain for about three days after I was sure everything was out. I was advised to make sure I was drinking enough water, and to keep moving, especially if the cramps became intense.

I did a lot of pelvic rocking/circling for a good five days and that was really the only thing that seemed to help with the cramping/pain. I also tried to walk around, as much as I could. I too did not want to deal with a D&C, unless I absolutely had to.

Each day, the cramping did lessen, and then fade completely by about two weeks from the very first day of bleeding.

I wish you peace, healing and gentle times as you go down this path. I'm sorry it has to hurt.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Island Mama,

I had my first m/c not only when we weren't trying to concieve, but when I didn't know I'd been pregnant.

I lost something I hadn't wished or planned for, or even known I'd had. The grief was still overwhelming, along with very mixed emotions because I hadn't wanted a child then, and I couldn't understand why I felt so lost without one.

Grief has it's own logic, and it comes whether we want it or not. If our grief helps someone else move back into the land of the living, or makes someone feel less alone, than I see that as a blessing.

Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.


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## IslandMamma (Jun 12, 2003)

Thanks, momma..

This has been such a rough journey. As of today, I started bleeding heavily again..so it's off to the doctor soon. I am so afraid of a D&C, I don't want to go but this is seeming, and feeling, abnormal.

The weird thing is, I feel more pregnant (with my fatigue and the stomach flu DS and I are sharing) then I did before. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.

Thanks for the support, gonnabe.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

I've got a few D&Cs under my belt. They are not fun, but nothing really to be afraid of. The worst thing about them is really the loss involved and you've already been through that.

My only advice would be that if you have it in the hospital make sure your doctor leaves an order for post-op pain relief. The first D&C I had they didn't and I had to wait while they dug up the doc. In the office this isn't a problem.


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