# What's the one issue you've had to defend the most about your parenting style?



## marimara (Jan 31, 2008)

For me, extended breastfeeding was probably the one I had to defend myself the most about. People didn't really care about the co-sleeping, but when I was breastfeeding my dd at 15 months, even the lady at the health food store gave me flack about it! I have to say, the lack of support for extended breastfeeding was a major factor in her weaning/being weaned at 2 years. Next to that, would probably be our decision to have only one child. Nobody I know seems to get it through their thick head that Yes, we've thought about it and No we don't want another one, and Yes she is enough for us. What about you mamas? I'm sure a lot will be regional but I'm curious.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

I voted other. The biggest issue for us has been having family comprehend that we do not want dd to have a flood of presents and everytime we see them they don't have to buy her things. The grandparents have had a really hard time understanding this. And just in general its hard to get people to respect the type of gifts we find acceptable. The fact that we try hard to limit our spending, not b/c we are poor, but b/c we don't want to live or raise our kids in a consumeristic way (if that makes sense). My dad's gf can't understand that if we want a didymos why don't we just buy one? Well b/c we already have 4 other baby carriers and if I really one a didy then I will trade one of those for a used one.

A close second, probably a tie eve, would be me and dp not being married. FIL actually went as far as to buy a ring for dp to give me one xmas. I found it by accident when we were visitng and I knew exactly what it was for (and I was mad). Later he called dp into another roomand told him he could have it for me and dp lost it. Fortunately dp's parents have let it go for the last 9 months or so. My dad finally got it through his head this summer too and has dropped it.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

I guess I'd say BF. My son nursed until he was almost 3.5. Needless to say, I endured a few non-supportive comments during those years! Luckily I have some friends and relatives that nursed their children as long or longer, so just knowing that made me more confident in my own decision and gave me the strength to ignore the comments.

I also catch some flak for having an only child and for giving my child choices when people think I should be bossing him around.


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

For us it was defending our choice to homebirth to my mil. She works in the medical field and was appauled that we would make such a "selfish" choice. We had some rough conversations when I was pregnant with ds1. But we hashed it out and sent her some information and she left it alone. Didn't say a word about it when I was pregnant with ds2.
I nursed ds1 until he was 2 and no one ever said a word. They knew that was my goal. When I got pregnant I was still nursing him and dh's aunt told me "Well you are going to have to stop that now huh?" I answered "No, as long as my supply holds up there is no reasons I should have to stop."
And that was it.
Food was a teeney issue with mil because she wanted to give ds1 sugary things when he was still pretty young - ice cream, lemonade







(food is her way to show love). But she would always ask me and when I said "no" she respected that.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

It's difficult to say which one has been the biggest issue.

But these are the ones I can think of:
1. not circumcising DS. Actually, I never had to defend myself on this one, because I completely refused to discuss it. Whenever my mom, or MIL, or DH's nosy RN aunt, would start in on it, I'd just give them a stony eyed stare and DARE them to pursue the issue with a mama nursing twins while recovering from a c-section while suffering from a flared-up autoimmune illness. Here's me:







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: So they mostly would bring it up, and then quickly drop it and go gossip about me outside of earshot, which was fine with me.







But it's probably the one that got the most people on my case.

2. Not letting DS CIO. My girls were pretty easygoing and slept well, but DS was a high-need baby, and we wore ourselves out being responsive to him, night and day, and people thought we were crazy. We reaped the results of our efforts-- he's a happy, sunny, little guy who's totally secure in our love of him, and he wouldn't have been that way if he'd been treated the way people wanted us to treat him. It wasn't breastfeeding, or cosleeping, or babywearing, specifically. It was our general level of willingness to meet what other people thought of as DS's "ridiculous" level of need, and therefore included all of those and more.


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## HomeBirthMommy (Mar 15, 2003)

Probably it would be breastfeeding, though not the actual breastfeeding of an infant. It would be the extended breastfeeding, delaying solids, not letting grandma give her a bottle, and refusal to be away from my breastfeeding baby. People just don't understand why I won't go away for a weekend when I have a six month old.







: They really don't get why I'm nursing a 2 1/2 year old. Thankfully my husband and mom are completely supportive, but the other people around me, not so much.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

nothing for us has been really controversial. We just don't bring a lot of our practices up because it's not something we think about bringing up. If anything selecting and delaying vaxes has been something that my mom and MIL have "asked" about but didn't get too detailed about their opinions.


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## caiesmommy (Feb 26, 2007)

I said food choices, but its a toss up between that and non-vax

We're vegetarian(well I'm vegan, and ds and dh only eat eggs), and my inlaws have been hard on us for it. It's been difficult watching ds get food snuck to him,that makes him sick...done in the thought that its "good for him"(ds gets majorly sick on dairy!)

The vax thing has calmed down, after my great uncle who got polio as a kid(was unable towalk for 5 years of his childhood), said that if he had a child he wouldn't get them vaxed...my mil stopped when i finally just said, listen this was a mutual decission between me and YOUR son,Im sick of the mother getting the bitching...she never brought it up again....i think time helps too


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## tracymom1 (May 7, 2008)

For us it was/is the no-vax issue. I am an RN and when I was working, everyone told me I was "committing child abuse" by not vaccinating. I have kept our decision on this issue private in some circumstances just to avoid having to explain myself for the millionth time. I have a lot of enlightened friends and family members, but there are just some people (like my mom whom I do NOT get along with anyways) that I choose not to share this with.

I did CLW with my son, who stopped nursing suddenly at 17 months (I was 4 months pregnant). I tried for a couple of weeks to get him to nurse but he was pretty indignant - refused to latch on one day and that was that. Nobody gave me any flack for the breastfeeding, but I know if I had the opportunity to tandem nursed as I had originally planned, the comments would have started. Who knows? Maybe DS will show an interest in BF again when his little sis arrives?! One can hope...


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

Other here, not letting DS CIO even now at 23 months is the biggest, actually more or less only issue we get any comments on. Not that we haven't been tempted on occasion, but it isn't something we are willing to do and since both sets of parents did it they tend to comment on it if we mention that the child is being a pain about going to bed.


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## listipton (Jun 26, 2008)

I had a really hard time picking which issue I have to defend the most, so I put down co-sleeping because that seems to be the one that gets the most eyebrows raised this week. I'm sure that I'll have more to contend with over not vaxing the babes and extended breastfeeding. I weaned dd at one year due to the idea that after a year it was "just for comfort & my selfishness". I know better this time around and plan on CLW.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

For me I can say co-sleeping without a doubt. People just don't see the positives of what we chose to do. No sleepless nights, happy DD etc. I am starting to hear it about my choice to homebirth this next baby. My cousin is a nurse in a pediatric ICU ward, so all she sees are horribly ill children. She wasn't thrilled about the fact that I had DD in a hospital with no NICU. Oh well, it's my choice, not hers.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I'd say circumcision. My mom pestered me until my oldest was almost 3. My boys have food issues and that's been a hard one because so many people think they can just give the boys something and it will be ok.

Mostly we don't spend a ton of time talking about our choices and most people don't ask.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

For us it was a 3 way tie so I picked other. 1: Not circ'ing. "You're going to _have_ to get it done some day." 2: Baby led solids. "How's he going to learn how to eat?" 3: General lifestyle. (We use mostly vinegar to clean with, we're a non-toxic house.) "I just don't feel like it's clean if I don't smell bleach."


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

Co-sleeping for sure. The people I know tend to be good about not criticizing other people's parenting choices to their faces, but I have seen some anxious or blank faces when it comes up!

Either that or it's the one thing I feel most defensive about and project my anxiety onto them.


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## kirstenb (Oct 4, 2007)

I think for me it was that I don't let DS CIO. I'm lucky people don't say too much, but I do hear comments.

Of course, they don't know that we are delaying vax so I am sure that will be number one if they find out.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

I voted "other." The biggest issue I have to defend is WOH - and that WOHPs are just as attached as SAHPs.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

VBAC, not really parenting but its the choice I have to defend the most.

Followed by, cloth diapers. Seriously, why to people care what my kids pee on?


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

I voted no tv.

My kids were weaned between 15 months and 2 years so never had to "defend" extended nursing. I had nothing but support for nursing from anyone, ever.

I've gotten a little flack for having 4 kids, but on balance people have been very kind, encouraging and supportive of our decision to have a mid-sized brood. We'll see what happens when #5 starts becoming obvious!

For whatever reason people really would get hot and bothered over our no tv decision. "Moderation," we'd hear or "how will they ever relate to other kids?" or "How will they learn the ABCs". (the last one is my favorite). Anyway, I learned long ago to not mention it.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

other - not using CIO followed closely by discipline choices


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I chose food choices, though I'm sure that will change once DS is older (he's 6 mo). Just to our ped though. He's fine in most other areas, if not a little mainstream (though he's the only ped we know of in the area who doesn't bat an eye at no-vax, which is why we chose him. It's one less thing to become a battle, kwim?) but for whatever reason still insists solids should be introduced at 4 mo and NO LATER than 6 mo because breastmilk won't sufficiently support them at that age or whatnot and is concerned because my 6mo hasn't doubled his birth weight (he's only 15 lbs, but he's 27.5"-- tall and skinny!)
Fortunately I've got WIC and LLL to back me up on my decision not to force-feed him solids at some arbitrary point when it's obvious he's not ready (still pushes them all to the front of his mouth, doesn't sit on his own, etc).
Next check up isn't until 9 mo though, and I'm sure he'll be on solids at least somewhat at that point.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

food choices
breastfeeding
co-sleeping
In that order. I put food choices as number one because I'm *still* defending it (we haven't BF or CS in years).


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## MommyMichele (May 2, 2006)

Homebirth (baby #3) was the biggest one for me because I had to convince my husband. It was the first time we ever really angrily argued, and it took a month.

However, the most on-going issue about which I've felt most defensive is discipline, probably because I've gone pretty far out of the mainstream. We don't just unschool reading and math, but also meals, bedtimes, jumping on furniture...


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

It depends on who the critic is.









My parents: out-of-hospital birth, hands down. Oddly, my mom gives my sister a hard time about cosleeping, but never did so with us.

My ILs: probably the choice not to use TV, believe it or not. I think because this doesn't seem like a "major" choice to them, they feel more free to criticize it than other things. For instance, I know they definitely don't approve of our not vaxing, but they don't really fight us on it...not having TV, on the other hand, is simply "weird" and will mean that dd doesn't fit in with her peers.







If dd had been a boy, though, not circing would have been the biggest issue for them, no question (we're Jewish).

Some family members were really confused about why we didn't switch to formula, at least part-time, in the face of HORRIFIC bfing issues, but they weren't aggressive about it or anything--just curious (and, in one case, slightly defensive). No one batted an eyelash about extended bfing.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkymamajoy* 
Seriously, why to people care what my kids pee on?









:


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

The three biggies for me have been co-sleeping, no tv or videos, and toy choices. I chose toy choices, though, b/c that came up the most.

When I said that we didn't want a plastic and talking toy that my parents gave my 1 yr old, they said "Oh, it's okay, the batteries are screwed in, your daughter can't get to them" like that was the problem. I'm really uptight, but I never allowed any noisy toys (aside from being annoying, they are really dangerous for their little eardrums which are right up against the already-loud toy). Plastic toys, too, not so much b/c they are dangerous with toxins, but b/c they are really unattractive and cold imo.

No tv...that was hard...my step-mom even tried to convince me that PBS should be allowed...but I myself was brought up in Waldorf schools so I stood my ground.

Co-sleeping, whatever...people try and tell you what to do and that you're doing things all wrong, so I found it best to just not bring it up.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I haven't gotten anything too bad on most stuff, but one of DH's friend's said when he found out DS wasn't circed:
"You didn't have him circumcised?.... on purpose?!"\








nah, we were so busy with all the other baby stuff that we just plum forgot!


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

I don't defend my parenting choices to anyone; its a waste of energy.
How we choose to raise them is no one else's business.
And if someone has a problem with our choices... its just that: THEIR problem.


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## MommyMichele (May 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontierpsych* 
... for whatever reason still insists solids should be introduced at 4 mo and NO LATER than 6 mo because breastmilk won't sufficiently support them at that age...

Ha ha ha! I wish I could show your doctor photos of my three children who all began eating solids gradually, living mostly on mommymilk well into their second years, while managing to stay at the top of those silly weight & height charts! This includes my severely food allergic middle child who literally was only eating breastmilk for a month around her first birthday, and not much more for months after that, as we had finally done RAST at that time and went no-food for a while to start anew with food trials.


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## guestmama9916 (Jun 24, 2006)

Hands down its the cosleeping. My mom didn't understand it, my xh didn't get it and my current dh is reluctant to continue it after a year.


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

I voted other. I think the biggest thing for me is the choice for DH to be the SAHP. Followed closely by breastfeeding--my mom is still appalled that I breastfed my kids at all because, as we all know, the breasts belong to the husband. Ah, no. They are mine to do with as _I_ please. Choosing non-medicated (pain relief) childbirth. People on their first kid are laughing at me, telling me I'll change my mind. I laugh back saying my induced labor (due to water breaking went to hospital got put on clock, no contractions so they started pit) wasn't nearly as bad as my "natural" birth and I survived both just fine without the epidural. Food choices--no meat before age 1, then only if they are interested (DH and I are vegetarian, but the older 2 kids are not because we started eating meat when they were 1 and 3 and only went back to being veg a year ago). Not supplementing with formula, but rather pumping. Let's see--a couple hundred flat out for a pump or a couple hundred per month for formula. Using cloth diapers (mostly DH, actually, is the critic on that. I'm trying to convert him, though.).


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Our having an only child has been the thing the most people feel compelled to comment on and that people are the rudest about. We get somewhat less flak for food choices and television limits. Grandparents had some worries about co-sleeping and not circumcising, but they didn't push really hard; other people mostly don't know about those things. Cloth diapering and babywearing primarily got, "Oh, you're so dedicated! I could never do it!"









I am delighted that in 2+ years of breastfeeding, often in public, I got very few negative reactions and many positive ones.


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## ani'smommy (Nov 29, 2005)

I voted co-sleeping, but it's not so much that since we don't really talk about it -- it's the fact that we don't CIO.

It comes up when I don't want to stay out late because I know DS will wake up and want to nurse. And also, when others in our community say "can anyone come over to watch our kids? They'll be in bed and definately won't wake up." I pretty much can't imagine saying that. DD didn't STTN until age 4, and still wakes up once or twice a week.

I don't get a lot of flack about other stuff because either I don't bring it up (vax, co-sleeping, tv), or maybe b/c people are scared







(bfing).


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## bubbamummy (Feb 25, 2009)

to my dh's family (who are American) I have had to defend myself a million and one times as to why we havent circumcised my son. They think i have set him up for a life of infections









My family (English) would have been horrified if i did circ, so no defending myself threre, although they are all (both sides) perplexed with my decision to co-sleep, they see it as 'giving into my son' -a sign of weakness on my part haha


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

Not letting babies cry would probably be #1.
And as to what the #1 thing is I've had to defend to random medical professionals, it would be choosing to keep our children intact.

But co-sleeping is probably #2
Homebirth #3
Non-vaxing #4
Etc.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I chose vaccinations.

But number of children is #2
Breastfeeding #3
Co-sleeping #4

It's as if everyone around me thinks we should stop at this one kid b/c we are both going to be "professionals" in our fields.







I'll have people out of the blue say, "Remember, don't have anymore kids!"

UGH


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## KyleAnn (May 24, 2004)

I voted for number of children...

We have have a certain amount of critisim for non-vaxing, co-sleeping and raising ds veg, but I think we have gotten the most "lectures" & questioning on our decision to only have one child.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

I chose "tv" because it's something that our family just can not wrap their head around. They just can't survive without constant television.

This is followed closely by food choices (no refined sugar until at least 1 year old, no soda, mostly whole fruits and veggies, grilled ckn, no red meat, very limited amount of convience food and candy is reserved for special occassions) we are seen as "depriving" him... I always answer "Yep, I'm depriving him from obesity, diabetes, and heart problems!"









Then there is educational choice. My son goes to a Waldorf school. Which is called a "hippie school" where he won't learn how to read by people who don't know that DS is reading level 2 books on his own and has been able to read small words since he was 3.

We'd probably get flack for co-sleeping, delayed vax and cloth diapers, but since they aren't things we do in public (the CD's are generally changed in a bathroom where people are trying to avoid looking into a soiled dipe  ) we don't have occassion to discuss them much.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Just the fact that I didn't use punishment, and that I gave her so many choices at such a young age.

My brother's kids were punished rather severely (I thought) and all of our kids turned out pretty much the same. I thought for sure my neice and nephew would be dysfuntional, and they thought mine would be... but they are all great people with no obvious problems. (except my child is a slob...actually, they are all three slobs.)


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
I don't defend my parenting choices to anyone; its a waste of energy.
How we choose to raise them is no one else's business.
And if someone has a problem with our choices... its just that: THEIR problem.










this...if you don't like my choice whatev!


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## AirMiami (Feb 3, 2009)

It's not really the fact that I breastfeed that bothers people (namely my mom, she breastfed all of us so she has no issues with the actual act itself), it's that I let my daughter nurse all day long. She's only 6 weeks old and doesn't want to do anything else, but I get pressure from others to just put her down and not to let her nurse all day because I'm not getting anything done. She's too young to want to do much else and she'll eventually grow out of it, but I still feel pressure from my mother and stepfather. I don't see what I'm doing that's so wrong besides letting laundry build up and not vacuuming, but they feel that I'm not productive enough in our household. She won't nurse in her Moby wrap because she won't have anything touching her head while she nurses. I just try to hide in our room all day because otherwise I get crap from them. My stepdad is always trying to take her out for walks so that I have a break which is nice, but he insists on using her stroller which she hates and cries in. When I tell him to carry her for walks he gets snarky with me, so I just don't let her take walks anymore unless I'm the one doing it.


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## juliav (Nov 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellabaz* 
A close second, probably a tie eve, would be me and dp not being married.

I hear ya!!! We're not married either and we take crap from every direction. It doesn't help that my younger sister and brother are both engaged at the moment so marriage is on everyone's mind.

It can be really difficult to defend something you don't feel you should have to be defending int he first place. Sometimes I actually find myself wishing we would get married just to shut everyone up. Hello wrong reasons.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

For us, it was our 2nd dd, Erica. She presented to the world the front of a quiet, shy little girl. When, in reality, she was always angry, stubborn, and stressed out. And she had to have a rigid routine/schedule. If I said that we were going to run errands to B, D, C, and A stores, we couldn't go to store A first. It had to be in the order that I said them. Or heer whole world fell apart. It wasn't until she was an adult in her 20s that she got a diagnoses of what was wrong with her. She has clinical depression, social anxiety, and OCD.

My mom did mildly question our decision to homeschool. But when Joy graduated high school on the honor roll, she admitted that homeschool worked for the girls.

Chris


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I choose not to defend my parenting choices because it's no ones business.

BUT the choices I do get the most grief about...

Not vaccinating, homeschooling, gentle discipline, and wanting more children...everyone seems to think that _just_ because I have a boy and a girl I should be DONE. I suppose if I'd gotten 2 boys or 2 girls they'd be okay with my choice to have more?

After a couple bouts of the silent treatment (I know, mature, right?) my family has stopped bugging me about most of them. If they disagree they argue with me in their heads and say nothing.

Dh's family makes veiled comments about hs'ing and occasionally goes on and on about how circ is so much better as a newborn. But they never outright criticize me...DH says they are afraid of me.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

I voted education choices, but a close second is discipline methods. Hardly anyone I talk to understands unschooling, and everyone who knows us thinks I am far too lenient with my kids. They figure teens are going to run wild if they aren't on a very short leash.

Lately it's also been my food choices.

Most of my defending happens on another board I frequent, and most of the rest with my parents.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama* 
Dh's family makes veiled comments about hs'ing and occasionally goes on and on about how circ is so much better as a newborn. But they never outright criticize me...*DH says they are afraid of me*.

Awesome, how can I get my IL's to be afraid of me??????


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## XanaduMama (May 19, 2006)

Extended BFing is definitely a big one, but I think that's mostly because it's the most visible/public of the practices. The not-vaxing thing seems to cause more distress and require more defense when people find out about it. And even those who are shocked about extended BF aren't actually opposed to it...it's just something really new to them.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

I said educational choices.

I sent my kids to Montessori School when they were 3, and then started homeschooling them when they were 6.

They don't need school when they're 3, they need it when they're 6.

I just can't get it right.

Oh, and strangely enough, I haven't "come to my senses" and put them in school yet. After 5 years of homeschooling, I still love it. I'm so weird


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## AkRotts (Sep 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HomeBirthMommy* 
People just don't understand why I won't go away for a weekend when I have a six month old.







:

Well then they definately wouldnt understand me not leaving my 22 month old









For me it is extended breastfeeding. The only person I know that has breastfed as long as I is my sister and we no longer have any contact with each other. I am lucky because my hubby totally supports my decision to continue nursing until she is at least 2 (which is next month).

I do get a hard time from some of my co-workers when they hear we are still nursing and co-sleeping. I just don't talk about it much around them


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
It's as if everyone around me thinks we should stop at this one kid b/c we are both going to be "professionals" in our fields.







I'll have people out of the blue say, "Remember, don't have anymore kids!"

UGH

Wow--I'm really surprised at this. We get lots of flak for only choosing to have one, and most moms of onlies I know (IRL and online) hear the same. And we're both professionals, with advanced degrees, in highly competitive and time-consuming fields. I guess you can't win no matter what you do!

I've never understood why people feel the need to comment on someone ELSE'S family size, whether that family is small, big, or somewhere in between. It's not your damn family--why do you care?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Co-sleeping. I've had threats of calls to CPS over it. And regular reminders that I'm taking huge risks with my children's lives.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Wow--I'm really surprised at this. We get lots of flak for only choosing to have one, and most moms of onlies I know (IRL and online) hear the same. And we're both professionals, with advanced degrees, in highly competitive and time-consuming fields. I guess you can't win no matter what you do!

I've never understood why people feel the need to comment on someone ELSE'S family size, whether that family is small, big, or somewhere in between. It's not your damn family--why do you care?

My MIL thinks it's "stupid" to have more than 2 kids these days. I told her that as long as they are loved and cared for, it shouldn't matter!


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

No punishments. My family says "they need to have consequences or they will never learn."


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## demottm (Nov 15, 2006)

I have been defending my decision to not spank. We tried it a few times, but it is just not for us.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

It wasn't an option, but I've had the most trouble with my mom accepting my choice to practice gentle discipline. My husband is a problem, as well, cause he thinks spanking is ok and does it *all the time*. Just like his dad raised him.







:


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## spmamma (Sep 2, 2007)

I voted other because at this point the one thing people advised us to do over and over again was to just let her cry it out. We've never let our DD CIO and at 20 MO she's turned out wonderfully.









I think the next issue I'll face is extended/tandem nursing. So far no one has commented on the fact that she still nurses but I'm fairly certain I'll get comments/questions/weaning advice once I get pregnant again (provided that she doesn't self-wean, of course).


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## organicpapayamama (Dec 5, 2008)

Oh I have a few....here is my list:

Vaxing/Non Vaxing- (im doing delayed and selective vax)
Co-sleeping- (my mom is always telling me to get DS out of my bed)
Food choices- (once again my mom thinks DS (11 months) can have anything and I have to make sure she doesnt give him things like strawberries and such)
Number of children- (ive always wanted many children but I get all sorts of flack about it cuz Im a single mama)
General lifestyle- (Im a recently single mama, not by choice initially, but most certainly now by choice)


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Other. The main criticism I've gotten (from my mother) is that my kids don't go to Waldorf school. "After all, YOU went to Waldorf school!"

(Uh, and that's exactly why they don't.)

Other than that, I've never had to defend any aspect of my parenting. It just doesn't come up.


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

I picked other. For us, name choices have caused the biggest flap. Our son's name is non-traditional (Rex-Goliath) and people were so concerned with him getting teased. Then, upon getting married, DH and I changed our last names to something mutually agreed upon but non-traditional. People still don't quite "get" it, but that's their issue.

I've had to defend surprisingly few of my parenting choices, probably because I don't bring it up. I don't really talk about not vaxing, not circing, BFing or anything like that with people that I think will argue with me on it. A few of our relatives breathed sighs of relief when I was risked out of homebirth due to blood pressure (ironic, isn't it, that they felt better by me having a dangerous medical condition that forced a hospital birth







), but that's about it. I just go about the business of raising the kids without talking about it to others. It has probably helped avoid conflict. And people seem to get the fact that DH and I are going to do things our way no matter what anyone thinks, so at this point people don't bother to argue with us.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

yup extended bfeeding too for me considering my 6 1/2 year old is still nursing.


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

Co-sleeping gets a lot of raised eyebrows.

But I think delaying solids will be the one that I have to defend myself over. You really *have* to start solids by 6 months, that's the general consensus.

Just a few days ago, one of my best friends - who's a doctor - said that they'd learned in med school that between 4 & 6 months, it's easiest for babies to learn to eat from a spoon. So, she said, I should really get started soon, and keep at it! She meant this really as good, helpful advice, she's a great friend and actually pretty openminded. But it's etched so deep in people's minds that you have to start solids by 6 months...

(I actually did give dd some mooshed carrot the day before she turned 6 months, last saturday, and tried a bit the past week, but I just don't think she's very interested in solids yet, so I'll probably leave it for another few weeks).

I think people really think I'm harming my dd by not feeding her a whole meal of solid food.

I also plan on extended bf'ing. And that will also, I'm sure, attract criticism.

However, I voted "general lifestyle". I recently decided to stay home a few more months with dd instead of going to work (well, seeing as job openings are pretty few and far between nowadays, it wasn't really a difficult "decision"







), and I notice all my friends seem to think this is a wrong choice







: that coupled with the fact dd doesnt eat solids or drink from a bottle, and still co-sleeps, must seem somehow "wrong" to them or something.... like I'm holding her back, maybe? I've been getting a lot of "helpful" advice recently, I can tell you! (funny that people without kids seem to know everything about getting babes to eat solids







)

Ah well, I don't really care what they think, dd is such a happy, smiley little girl


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## Channelle (May 14, 2008)

I have a weird situation, no children of my own, but one foster daughter (who is now one year) so we missed several of these that I hope to do with my own child.
Here are the issues:
Vaccination-She is for the most part vaccinated not what I wanted though, I wouldn't do my own, but I know I'd catch so much heck for that, but I don't plan on sharing with anyone about that.
Co-sleeping-We do co-sleep with her, no big problem from family
Cloth diapering-we cloth diaper, no problem with that either.
Food-we're pretty selective about what food she eats, no real problem with that, but it can sometimes be an issue...
CIO/spank-we don't do no problem from family there, they are ok with that.

Breastfeeding-obviously we formula feed fd, but I do want to breastfeed and extended breastfeed my own child, which I think will lead to the most problems with the family, besides the vaccination issue, which I just don't plan on sharing with anyone. No one really does this in my family, or if they do it's very hush-hush.

Oh, and any son won't be circumsized, which won't go over well at all. But I just won't make discussing it an option.

Oh, and homeschooling won't go over well either...


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## accountclosed2 (May 28, 2007)

Breastfeeding, unfortunately, and perhaps unexpectedly, as breastfeeding in general is very supported here.
I had low milk-supply, and DD was a slow gainer. Almost everyone around me thought I should just give her some formula, or maybe change over to exclusive formula feeding right away ("It's just as good", "Can't she have a little formula?", "You do know that they only really need breastmilk for the first 6 weeks, after that it doesn't matter", "Most mums don't have enough milk for their 3-month-olds", "Just give her a bottle!", "You realise you have to stop being stupid, and feed her formula now!").

DD's fine, by the way. She's 1 now, and still small, but that's just how she is (takes after her father). We still breastfeed, a lot (although she had donated milk through an SNS until she was almost 7 months). Now I'm getting a lot of comments from my mother, who thinks I've breastfed long enough (she breastfed me, exclusively for 2-3 months, then I had porridge, but was still breastfed morning and night until about 10 months), and that DD needs a lot more solids at this age than she's getting (self-feeding). She wants me to cut down on feeds, and refuse to feed my little snacker, as DD likes to feed very, very often.

I fought through our troubles, and I'm not prepared to give up now, when it is easy, and quite nice. My goal is at least 2 years and CLW.

All this said, we are having a lot of trouble dealing with comments on the way we try avoid harsh chemicals, bad plastics, food additives, sugar etc, but only from family. The vaccination register people were quite annoying about us opting out of it, and a ped at the emergency room was really annoyed that DD wasn't vaxed (I said that we thought she was too little, and she said "But we vax the tiny preemies in the neonatal ward"!!!). Co-sleeping isn't tht much of an issue, although my parents still think she should be in a cot (DD won't, quite simply), but they don't believe CIO exists, so that isn't a problem. I guess I and my siblings must have slept happily in our cots! Unfortunately we didn't get the homebirth we planned, family has been a bit taken back when we've discussed this afterward. We haven't mentioned that we're planning to home school, possibly un-school, yet, but I know that MIL is against home-schooling, for socialization. My mother is a teacher, she'll probably hit the roof when we have to talk about it.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

I voted 'other' - I think the thing that most people have expressed concern or disapproval to me about is our decision for me to continue to SAH for the moment. I think they think I'm lazy or irresponsible - despite the fact that we can manage fine on DH's salary and I wouldn't be able to earn much more than the cost of daycare. It doesn't make sense to DH or I for me to go back to work right now, but apparently everyone else seems to know more about our situation than we do







:

But I would probably get more flack about my other decisions if people knew about them: I don't discuss our decision not to vax, which I know would cause a lot of hassle. I still BF DD but I think most people are afraid to say anything to me about it! Few people know we co-sleep or CD as that rarely comes up, and no one knows about any future plans for schooling (or not) and number of kids - mostly because DH and I don't really know ourselves yet!


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Wow--I'm really surprised at this. We get lots of flak for only choosing to have one, and most moms of onlies I know (IRL and online) hear the same. And we're both professionals, with advanced degrees, in highly competitive and time-consuming fields. I guess you can't win no matter what you do!

I've never understood why people feel the need to comment on someone ELSE'S family size, whether that family is small, big, or somewhere in between. It's not your damn family--why do you care?

I try to ignore it and not bite the bait, b/c I think for several of the women telling me this...it is a projection of their unhappiness (aka had lots of children close together and now blames lack of career/interests on children).

I didn't realize how much I was still internalizing it until DH joked a couple days ago, "let's try for another!" (We have a 4 month old) and the first thing I thought of was, "no way! X, Y and Z would have a cow!"


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

I voted other:

Not being married

Gender neutral clothing and toys
(ds is 19 months old and is perfectly happy in pink and purple pants, and does not need clothes with sports on them or a new dump truck!)


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

I voted TV. I can deal with the co-sleeping and vax and the like. I've long ago learned to close those matters to discussions. TV is tricky because it's a practice that they _do to_ our DD that we disagree with. We have to deal with it when we visit and when they babysit.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I'm going with other, because it's not co-sleeping so much that's the issue (although people raise their eyebrows), but the whole "is he sleeping through the night" business. I don't think it's normal for babies to STTN, and I wish people would quit basing their assessment of parenting on it. YK?


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I think it was a 4-way tie between breastfeeding, the food we eat, cloth diapering, and homeschooling. And of course the only person that bugged me about these things was my mother







Her general pov on everything is pretty narrow. If you don't fit into what I like to call "How the World Works According to Denise _____" then you are wrong. Let's see I had to hear the following:

"You know she's 10 months old now, isn't it high time you stopped nursing her?"

and

"You can't not put her in school because you're too afraid to let go of her." (???? What the hell are you talking about woman?)

and

"Cloth diapers are disgusting. It costs way more to do that than to use disposables."

She nitpicks what I feed the kids constantly because I don't have ready-made processed foods to feed them for her once-a-year babysitting night.

Oh, she can't understand why I don't spank. I haven't yet told her that it's because I am trying to use the direct opposite of her parenting.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

It's funny, but so far, it's toys. It's the thing that comes up the most and where we just don't seem to be getting through to people. Rather, they want to understand but just. don't. get. it. I'm getting ready to give a seminar on phthalates and open-ended toys and simplifying







. Everyone is well-intentioned, but still buy stuff that's just outside what we're comfortable with having in our home. And it's mostly b/c they want the fun of shopping at different toy stores and getting different toys, so I don't have a problem shooting them down. If they really thought about what's best for DD, they would shop at the three places we told them were 100% fail safe. Or just stop buying so much!

I think toys comes up b/c people want to get DD things, whereas BFing, cosleeping, vaxing... it's not up for discussion at all. If anyone asks, we tell them the truth and they know not to go there. But toys are more "public" domain somehow.


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## Heidi74 (Jan 21, 2009)

I voted food choices because we did BLW, and for the first few months it was a pretty obvious difference to a lot of people. Several were worried that DS would choke (and I totally appreciate them voicing their concerns for that) but more commonly, family and friends worried that he wasn't eating enough because surely breastfeeding alone couldn't be enough for a 6 or 7 month old (he was just sampling bits and pieces of food at that age). For that matter, they worried because we didn't introduce solids until 6 months. He was gaining weight just fine, and quickly learned to eat on his own, so the arguments died out within the first few months and changed to astonishement that he was capable of eating regular food.

Friends and family have been pretty respectful about our other choices. I'm sure some things have been brought up behind our backs, but we haven't had to defend them. Especially my MIL and FIL have been surprised at some of our decisions, but they've kind of just gone with it...even though they've probably done their share of worrying.


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## hrsmom (Jul 4, 2008)

I voted other-
I have spent the most time defending my decision to always hold and carry my baby. When she was tiny, people were always wanting me to leave her in the carseat, prop her up on some pillows, whatever. I'd go to gatherings, and I would let people hold her who wanted to, then they'd set her down somewhere. (I'd go get her, but why not just hand her back to me?) I was at a potluck and first off the hosts offered to let her sleep in their grand son's crib. All I could think of was her waking up and no one hearing her in that noisy environment, and needless to say, we didn't do that. Then a friend offered to hold her while I ate. I looked over to where they were sitting, and she'd set her down. She said, "Sharon told me to set her down." Sharon is not her mother!!!!! So I ended up holding her myself a lot of times, even though I'm a single mom and I kind of figured other people would want to hold her when I went to gatherings. Hey, thanks for letting me get that off my chest! I haven't minded for a single second being the one to hold her, though! Even at potlucks!

This has morphed into my now needing to defend my decision to stay with her and not force her to stay with someone else when she's clearly upset. No, I am not going to leave her in the nursery at church so people can hold her while she cries and tell her over and over, "your mom needs a break." They have a system to call the mom if the baby needs them, but they don't use it. Hey, thanks for letting me get that off my chest, too!!!


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

Not circing my son: "It's going to get infected." "It's going to get tight when he's older and he'll have to have surgery with general anesthesia." "It looks so weird when it's not circed."

Co-sleeping: "You'll never get him out of bed."

Cloth diapers: "You'll give it up within the first week." "It's gonna be so gross when he starts eating solids."


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## TwinsTwicePlusTwo (Dec 7, 2008)

Number of children, without a doubt. People assume I must be a religious fanatic who's opposed to birth control, because no-one would actually WANT six (soon seven) kids.







: I'm sure the main reason I hear so much about this is because it's something that's obvious to every idiot on the street when all the kids are with me. I don't wear a sign saying my kids are homebirthed and unvaxed, kwim?

And for the record, birth control is my friend. Without it I would have a lot more kids!


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## abeliamama (Feb 5, 2007)

Other-I would say the way we discipline (or don't)


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I voted "Other."

In public, I've gotten the most flack for breastfeeding . . . from being asked to cover up all the way up to being harassed by the police at a water park last summer for over an hour.

Online, I probably get the most flack for not censoring the media my kids are allowed to see/not sheltering them from . . . um . . . anything. I have not a single iota of doubt that I'm doing things exactly the way I should, as far as that goes, but it's something people like to freak out about.

From family . . . my mom's only concern is our selective vaxxing. My partner's family . . . they just don't like anything we do, but I think biggies are/were not censoring our kids' language, extended breastfeeding, and not spanking.


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## sunnymw (Feb 28, 2007)

Circumcision, and more recently, discipline.


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## SkyMomma (Jul 13, 2006)

This has changed over time...

Back when DS1 was still nursing, extended BF was high on the list (he weaned himself @ 3.5) Having a homebirth with DS2 created alot of worry & controversy in my family, but I kind of expected needing to defend these choices, or at least explain them.

What's been surprising to me is how often I find myself defending is no TV/limited media & our educational choices. Seriously. I am shocked at how many people believe that I am harming my children by not providing them with access to TV & by not putting them in preschool/daycare. The school issues kind of calmed down this year (DS1 is in kinder @ Waldorf school), but we're considering homeschooling for next year & WATCH OUT! One of my friends actually said that she thinks homeschooling is tatamount to child abuse.







:

The other thing I've found myself defending through the years, is my reluctance to leave my children - for a weekend, a day, (when newborns) for a walk around the block. Why do I "have to learn to leave them"???? I'll know when we are ready for a seperation! Why would someone ever guilt trip a new mom about leaving their baby! Or try to convince a new mama that she's harming herself & her child by not leaving them with someone else? Wow. I guess I'm still angry about that. I didn't leave DS1 overnight (with daddy) until after he had weaned & was almost 4. I knew that we were both ready.


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## leighann79 (Aug 4, 2005)

I voted co-sleeping. Not vaxing hasn't ever come up. MIL wouldn't leave us along for some time about how we would never get DD2 out of our bed if we co-slept. I'm surprised that she doens't say anyting now since DD2 is 3 and still in our room (mostly in a toddler bed during the night though). I think she just gave up. LOL Hopefully she won't carry on about the new baby being in our room.







I think it helped that DH changed how he felt and became more and more supportive of it. (He was supportive to start with but then thought that DD2 was going to move out of the bed sooner. lol)


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## dogmom327 (Apr 19, 2007)

I voted food choices. I had to explain to my family that they would incur my wrath (and they know I'm very scary when I'm angry--particularly when it comes to my kids) if they fed him anything with sugar (someone wanted to give him soda pop). Running a close second though was the fact that we did not leave DS with anyone (except DH when I had to go to the doctor or needed a half hour break to go to the store) until he was over a year old and even now (almost 2 years old), there are only a couple of people I'm comfortable with.


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## somelady (Nov 16, 2008)

I voted other, for circ, dh is half jewish and he had a terrible blow out with his dad over it (supposedly the hiv thing but uh, yeah). Though ds is only 3 months, so the issues will likely change. We have a co-sleeper, which the inlaws think is weird, but I'm sure they'd have a fit if they knew he only spent 1/3-1/2 the night in it. I expect food to be an issue with everyone once he starts solids. Toys too with the ils.... MIL tends to go for quantity over quality for xmas gifts. Discipline may become an issue with my parents, we'll see.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SkyMomma* 
This has changed over time...
I am shocked at how many people believe that I am harming my children by not providing them with access to TV & *by not putting them in preschool/daycare*.

The other thing I've found myself defending through the years, is my reluctance to leave my children - for a weekend, a day, (when newborns) for a walk around the block. Why do I "have to learn to leave them"???? I'll know when we are ready for a separation! Why would someone ever guilt trip a new mom about leaving their baby! Or try to convince a new mama that she's harming herself & her child by not leaving them with someone else? Wow. I guess I'm still angry about that.

I have people think I'm a bad parent for those two reasons right there.







Yeah, I'm a bad mom because I parent my own child and meet their needs.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

It's not really "defending" per se, but I voted "choice of toys" because this has been a tough issue to balance with issues such as trying to be gracious recipients of mutliple gifts that don't fit with our family values, while trying to prevent our house from becoming absolutely overcome by noisy electronic toys that drive us batty, and so forth. Most of my decisions I haven't had to defend. Certainly folks might not agree, but I am confident in my decisions and folks seem to not question us much in the grand scheme of things.


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

Definitely non-vaxing. I don't make a PEEP about that anymore!


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

# of children... see my sig ... no he's not getting "fixed", yes we know what cause "it"









Breastfeeding would probably be #2 but only with one person in the family who thinks babies should be on solids by three months and off the boob by 6. She doesn't know ds and dd2 were bf'ed until almost four.

Oh, wait... was homeschooling one of the choices? She is still waiting for us to come to our senses.


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## boigrrrlwonder (Jan 18, 2007)

By far and away the most criticism I've had was from choosing to become a parent at 19, though I got a lot of flak for choosing to SAH, too.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Homeschooling and being a stay-at-home mom. I am not sure which one has been more that I have had to defend myself for. I guess staying home with the children actually. I get called a loser, unemployed, "Peg Bundy," you get the idea. I get told that my house should be spotless because what else do I do all day, (umm, my children are home too, not off at daycare, I take care of them, cook, teach, and everything else them). I have been told many times that I am on a permanent vacation and therefore, am not allowed to take a vacation. (ex. we were visiting relatives and I had gotten hurt on the trip and had to go to the ER and baby got a dirty diaper so I asked dh to change it and my aunt chewed me out telling me that this is my husband's vacation and I am on a permanent vacation so I need to change the diaper and not expect him to. Ok..so this is to wrong in many ways. If changing a diaper is not a vacation, and I have been doing it several times a day, then in what way have I been on vacation all this time? Also, it is nobody else's business what dh and I do with our lives or how we live it or so on).

So yes, it is being a SAHM that I have had to defend myself the most for.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

Food is our biggest issue. When we are visiting my mom we always get "<kids name> wants an apple, can she have one? but they aren't _organic_" with a tone


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

other but if I had to pick probably the bf'ing is fast becoming nuber 1. as it stands, extended bf'ing, not vaxing, not CIO/cosleeping are allhot topics. And lately, the fact that ds is potty learning seems to really piss people off. Even the lady in walmart had a comment when i asked her if they sold underwear in size 12-18 months.


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## luv_my_babes (Dec 8, 2008)

.......


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## pantrygirl (Jan 5, 2009)

For me, the hardest thing is knowing my mother doesn't quite understand how hands on my husband and I are with our child. She doesn't understand why we want to do as much as possible and no pass on the responsibilities to others. I think it may be a psychological thing where my mother thinks it is a reflection of me being raised by my grandmother. She also doesn't understand why I sacrifice things such as going to bed at 7:30pm and following what I believe she thinks is a strict routine.

I follow my baby's cues and she has a routine she likes. She naps twice a day and breastfeeds every 2.5-3 hours. She likes quiet after 7pm. I'm not going to go against this just so I can socialize or chat on the phone with someone. She thinks I should be more 'flexible'.

Also, although my husband and I are on the same page, I sometimes feel like he wishes I'd spend more time with him and allow our baby to cry a bit if I need to do basic bodily functions.







I've been known to hold my pee in until she calms down.


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## boigrrrlwonder (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Awesome, how can I get my IL's to be afraid of me??????

Yeah, that's what I want to know. You could start a class!


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## olien (Apr 21, 2008)

for me, no cry it out is the one that most people dont understand. with no TV for an infant (my in laws get a kick out of him watching) and bedsharing being tied for second.


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## knowerofnada (Dec 4, 2006)

I voted non-vaxing, because overall over the course of the past three years, that's the biggest source of controversy with my family, friends, of of course, medical professionals.

But a close second, and one that really hits home recently, is my choice to not treat fevers/illnesses in the traditional way. I don't _ever_ use fever reducers in myself or my children, and I've had to defend that left and right. And then my kids just are now recovered from what I believe was rotavirus, and I didn't take them to the doctor/hospital, I just pushed the fluids hard and held on tightly for 7 days of hell. That was a blast trying to defend from family (except DH), friends, and co-workers. Especially since I work in a hospital. But I made the mistake of hospitalizing DD#1 when she was 10 months old due to a virus of some sort, when I began to doubt myself, and it won't ever happen again unless it is absolutely necessary.

Extended breasteeding would be third. That's really not accepted at _all_ around these parts.

NFL is not easy on relations with others, that's for sure.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

i got a lot of flak for various things, but the most long-standing thing was our commitment to homeschooling.

circumstances changed recently and the kids are in public school now. so few people in our circle of friends and family will even attempt to fathom my grief over this.







:


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

everything. i keep most of it to myself.
let's see- not using an epidural, not crying it out, slinging, extended bf'ing, no solids right at 6 months, not supplementing with a bottle, discipline, limiting tv, not turning forward in carseat at 12 months, not using booster at age 3 lahblahblah.


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## Channelle (May 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
Homeschooling and being a stay-at-home mom. I am not sure which one has been more that I have had to defend myself for. I guess staying home with the children actually. I get called a loser, unemployed, "Peg Bundy," you get the idea. I get told that my house should be spotless because what else do I do all day, (umm, my children are home too, not off at daycare, I take care of them, cook, teach, and everything else them). I have been told many times that I am on a permanent vacation and therefore, am not allowed to take a vacation. (ex. we were visiting relatives and I had gotten hurt on the trip and had to go to the ER and baby got a dirty diaper so I asked dh to change it and my aunt chewed me out telling me that this is my husband's vacation and I am on a permanent vacation so I need to change the diaper and not expect him to. Ok..so this is to wrong in many ways. If changing a diaper is not a vacation, and I have been doing it several times a day, then in what way have I been on vacation all this time? Also, it is nobody else's business what dh and I do with our lives or how we live it or so on).

So yes, it is being a SAHM that I have had to defend myself the most for.

OMG, I would totally just punch her in the face! How dare she, talk about rude!


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

In reading this thread, it's been surprising how many keep defending their parenting choices. I don't/didn't defend. I'll discuss different ways of accomplishing parenting but my choices for my family are my choices. Defending them just opens up the choice into a debate. If you don't want the debate, then don't defend. Own your choices. "This is right for MY family." "This is what we FEEL is best for US."

Chris


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I've never left any of my kids with anyone except for family members. It just never came up. And with both sets of grandparents and my sister living near us, there was no need. And with Dylan, I had live in babysisters in the form of his sisters. Coupled with that is the fact that we just don't go anywhere.

Chris


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

I put other.
We have 2 things I constantly have to explain or defend. The first being we don't use CC or CIO and never have. People just can't seem to understadn you don't have to use CC or CIO. I also don't co-sleep, so people who understand my not CIO or CC don't understand how I can't co-sleep. I am stuck in the middle there.

Second is that I had 2 planned c-sections. Both my DD's were breech. There was no other alturnative for me so I did what was best for THEM not me. I wanted a VBAC with #2 even got a midwife instead of a OB, but my LO wouldn't turn. I got comments on both sides again. My family thought I was nuts for wanting a VBAC, they wanted me to have the section from the start, and other mom's tell me I "didn't try hard enough" or "I'm selfish" or "you didn't give birth" or any number of insulting ways of saying I was wrong.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

The two that are guaranteed to cause an issue is our lack of desire to curb DD's insperations and sex. The first usually comes up once someone comments on one of her outfits. How she dresses is one way she expresses herself and you can tell what kind of mood she's in by what she's wearing. A good number of people, mostly strangers







:, want to know why we let her "get away with dressing silly like that". We do it because she's an incredibly creative person and we are proud that she's not ashamed to be different.
The second is usually only broached in a debate format. We are not a household that views sex as some sort of nessecary evil, nor is it something that you have to avoid at all costs until you've achieved specific goals in life (marriage, moving out etc.) Dh and I have learned that most people don't agree with us and we usually end up having to defend our position that DD can make her own choices in that matter.


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## prego1 (Feb 11, 2007)

Cosleeping has been our biggest issue mostly with our parents. They just don't get it and don't even attempt to listen to our point of view.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

I said cosleeping but it is probably a toss up between homeschooling and our life style in general once I think about it. I really am on the fence as to whether or not to continue to associate with my extended family (my aunts, uncles cousins), related to the flack I recieve.

I just do not understand, I don't give them flack about thier lifestyle choices. Why do they have to criticize ours. I suppose that it's probably because they feel threaten by our choices, but still I don't understand why they have to be so rude.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'd say education. My homeschooling friends don't understand why DS is in school, my parents and some community members don't understand why DD1 and DD2 aren't in school, my mom isn't happy about my approach to HSing DD2, etc.

Food choices are a close second. Besides avoiding synthetic crap in our foods (we loosely follow Feingold), we also keep kosher. There have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years about what my kids can and can't eat, what I don't want to bring into my kitchen, etc. So the food issues have been going on longer but at a much less intense level than the educational choices.

3 kids is well within the norm in my community, and I have both girls and a boy, so I'm not hearing any pressure to have more kids, nor pressure that I already have too many. We're also rather mainstream in our approach to TV, and I decided not to wage battles over toys we received as gifts.

Breastfeeding was never such a "public" issue. Few people even knew I was nursing past infancy, and many of those who noticed were already supportive (otherwise they wouldn't realize DC was nursing, not just hugging me.) And cosleeping only happened at home, so I never needed to defend that at all. Vaxxing was also something private- only my doctors (and a VERY select group of friends) ever knew we delayed vaxes.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I picked toys, but I guess that's because it's what's been rearing it's head most recently. MIL got DD1 2 Barbie dolls recently.







I don't want to go so far as to ban it, especially once it's given, but she knows how I feel about that and Disney princesses, and DD never even would have known what she was missing if they didn't bring it to her attention.

We've also had issues with food, both sides, with weird ideas about what's healthy and what's not (ie, white bread in a bag is "real food", wholegrain organic crackers are "a snack") and with autonomy and manipulation (MIL: "I won't let you play with my toys if you don't eat some of that sausage") but I figured out that the best thing to do is to pre-eat, and avoid being there at mealtimes. And DD is quite strong in her knowledge that she needs to follow her body's cues, and she's learning quite a lot about nutrition lately so I'm glad something I say is sinking in.







:

Then there are issues I guess would be general lifestyle... maybe discipline. The whole not always treating DD like an intelligent, autonomous person thing. "Good girl"ing her to death. Talking about disturbing things in front of her as if she can't hear (that's my mother). Expecting her to be able to sit in a car/be dragged around stores all day with no playing or ability to lead the way for a bit, expecting her to hold hands constantly in empty mall corridors (again, my mother). Just people not understanding her!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I voted other - no CIO


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I really don't get much flack about my choices.

Let's see...my mom thought I should have weaned ds2 a bit sooner. (He didn't self-wean, but I weaned him, because nursing had become so painful when I was pregnant with Aaron - he was about 27-28 months.) She never made a big fuss about it, though.

No hassle about circ (nobody in my family circs). No hassle about breastfeeding, in general. No hassle about cloth diapers or cosleeping. I didn't even get hassle about planning a HBA3C (although one person made it very obvious by her behaviour that she felt I was guilty of killing Aaron, and deserved whatever misery I got). No hassle about being tv-free, although I think most of my family find it weird (we do watch a lot of DVDs - too many, probably).

I've had a few negative comments about homeschooling, but nothing serious. That's about it.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

I voted non-vaxing. That's the one thing I am most defensive about.

#2 is BFing. I cannot talk to my father without him asking if I "have that baby on a bottle yet." Good grief. He knows I nursed DS until age 2 and DD until 18 months... with my first three kids, HE himself was the reason DD2 was weaned at 4 months. We lived in the same town and he harassed me mercilessly, even getting to the point of saying I couldn't nurse her if he was in the house because it made him so uncomfortable.

We live far away now and I don't see him often, but phone conversations are... interesting. Mostly I change the subject or say "we're working on it, Daddy."

(He is in frail health now, so I try not to upset him. Believe me, we used to argue it out.)

#3 is the no-circ. I had a cousin tell me she thought it was child-abuse to NOT circ your child. I was like, WTF???? You got it backwards!!! But she was adamant, so I wisely let it drop. She lives her life, I live mine, we don't get into personal details and everyone's happy.


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## soccermama (Jul 2, 2008)

Vaxing/Non-Vaxing - we chose to vax our DS and caught a bit of heat for doing so from some parents that did not vax their LO's.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

i couldn't decide between co-sleeping and food choices. we had a lot of flak (from ppl who hadn't chosen to do the same, of course) for delaying certain foods until our first son was one or two. what's the big deal? he didn't have nuts or peanut butter til he was 2. so what? he doesn't really care for it anyway so it was no loss. i actually had a waitress get mad at me for it (she asked me if i wanted pb for my son and i said he hadn't had it yet so she went crazy on me.) a man at another table stuck up for me when she wouldn't listen to me!
this time, with DS2, we've had some "comments" about co-sleeping with our son. now, if asked how he is sleeping, instead of saying "he sleeps with me so he never cries at night" (he did sleep with me exclusively for a few months but now spends a bit of time in the play pen, then the crib, before sleeping with me), i laugh or make some sort of noise that indicates that he doesn't sleep through. it's just not worth the shock and comments ("i'd be afraid of rolling over on him") i get on the topic. i did have a health nurse (the same one who saved my BFing relationship with my son) say how good it is and that my son's breathing pattern will match mine, helping prevent SIDs...etc. etc.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

Breastfeeding as long as I have. The comments about that seem to peak at around 1 year, then again at 2 years, then taper off (DS nursed till 4.75 and DD is still nursing once a day at 3.5). Probably because beyond age 2, they either assume you already have weaned (by that point my kids did not NIP much at all anymore) or they just don't want to know, which is fine by me. I know MIL especially thought I was strange to keep nursing beyond about 18 months or so, she thought it was great up to that point, but did not understand why beyond then. But then, just today on the phone, she was talking about how my kids both have colds now, and wow they must be "lucky", because DH by now would have definitely been on antibiotics due to ear infection or tonsillitis (DH was adopted at 4 days old and FF). And I am agreeing with her, but inside thinking I know I did the right thing there nursing them as long as I have, because I bet it has made a difference in their health. Kind of nice to have your beliefs affirmed like that.









Second thing I have had most flack on is keeping DD rear facing in her carseat this long. People did not understand why I did not want to turn her around at age 1, even though she did not even meet the MINIMUM weight requirements of 20 lb till past age 2! Now I am really "nuts" still keeping her RF at 3.5 and 26ish lb.

Personally, I think most people need to keep their mouths shut unless it is a real danger to the child or the parent has not put much thought into what they are doing. But a dedicated parent, who has made a well researched and thought out decision, should be respected as such.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jillmamma* 
Second thing I have had most flack on is keeping DD rear facing in her carseat this long. People did not understand why I did not want to turn her around at age 1, even though she did not even meet the MINIMUM weight requirements of 20 lb till past age 2! Now I am really "nuts" still keeping her RF at 3.5 and 26ish lb.

Personally, I think most people need to keep their mouths shut unless it is a real danger to the child or the parent has not put much thought into what they are doing. But a dedicated parent, who has made a well researched and thought out decision, should be respected as such.

i agree!! people don't realize that you're supposed to keep them rear facing as long as you can. they say you CAN turn them at a year, not you SHOULD.


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## Aufilia (Jul 31, 2007)

I'd say the #1 choice we've had to defend is our refusal to adjust DD's sleep schedule for anyone else's convenience. She's always been a high-needs sleeper -- she took 3 naps a day until 15 months and she still goes to bed by 6:30pm every night. Her sleep schedule is a HUGE cramp in playgroups, family events, and evening socializing... but I just feel sleep is SO important. She had a very strange naptime until preschool started in the fall and we had to push her 10am nap back to 12:30pm.... that's the only time we've ever tried to change her inner schedule and it was hell for about 2 months.

As for other parenting choices... honestly, I've never felt like I really needed to defend them. I've been pretty open about most of our choices and most people haven't questioned.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I chose co-sleeping because that has always been a biggie for us. But the biggest, however, has been our choice to homeschool.







Sure, after almost 10 years of it both sides of the family seem to "tolerate" it but I know what they really think and can tell by their casual comments at times. And at this point, to tell the truth, I don't really care what anyone thinks.







My children have "tried" school outta the home and it doesn't work for them. They are much happier and less stressed at home and that's all that really matters to me.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

i said general lifestyle choices because I don't think my family or any of my ex-friends would have had a problem with my husband telling me i had to homeschool as long as he had a white collar job, made his mortgage payments on time, drove a nice, late-model car, and genuinely didn't want a working wife and a sailboat instead of a wife who didn't work and stayed home to clean his house and cook his meals from scratch (and homeschool his children in her spare time).

I'm not married and don't want to be so....


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

number of kids is first, then not circing.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

[x] all of the above


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## femalephish (Feb 3, 2009)

Baby isn't even here yet, but I thought I would add; Gender neutral clothing. We don't know the gender and family is like, "what are we going to buy for you? When you find out we'll have to get some real clothes. If you don't find out you'll be _stuck_ with all green and yellow clothes." (I think that's better than being stuck with all blue or pink!! )

Why does every stranger need to know the gender of my 3 month old? Is it important to how you will treat her/him? and then they tell me that babies/children are just into pink or blue (or trucks or dolls) from birth because it's 'natural'. Yeah, 'cause that's all you give them! What is it about having a penis that makes blue look better to you, exactly?

(ps. I was a gender/sexualities student at Uni, so this is near and dear to my heart. smile.)


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

There are so many things. We ask people to take off their shoes and wash their hands when they come in. We don't let DD watch tv and everyone acts as if we're depriving her. She's not a fan of a lot of people holding her so we don't let them. I don't let her lay there and cry so I've been scolded about raising a spoiled baby. Also been criticized because she wears what we've been told are "boy" colors. She wears a lot of light blue, her fathers favorite team color, and greens. I'm into gender neutral. I guess I didn't get the memo that everything she wears is supposed to be pink. Oh and we don't give her juice yet. I guess not introducing her to high fructose corn syrup makes us horrible people. LOL


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
There are so many things. We ask people to take off their shoes when they come in.
......I've been scolded about raising a spoiled baby.

I've always had the rule of no shoes in the house because I don't like cleaning up my floors after someone visits. My mom just won't follow that rule.









I can't count how many times I've been told I'm spoiling my babies.


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## ilovebabies (Jun 7, 2008)

I've gotten the most flak about the number of children we've had. I'm not sure there's a "second place" necessarily although I have one person who *always* wants to make comments that my kids are "spoiled" and that they "get what they want". But that's just one person. She drives me nuts though.







First of all that's not true, and second of all we rarely see her so she's spent all of maybe a few hours with my kids in the last 3 years. Somehow that makes her an expert on how we raise our children.








Umm... let's see.... just because my daughter says that she'd rather watch the Disney channel instead of a movie for 20 minutes once she realized that the person's house we were at has the Disney channel (we do not have cable so she does not have this luxury) and so we say, "Sure!" and that means we give her whatever she wants?? HUH???

Sorry... can you tell this is a very sore spot with me??


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## MaryLang (Jun 18, 2004)

The way we discipline for sure. Although, its never about how my kids behave, I always get great comments about that, followed by, "You just have easy kids.". Whatever that means. #2 would be number of kids.


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## makuahine (Mar 10, 2009)

I'm only three and a half months into being a parent, so I haven't had to defend too many parenting choices yet, but one thing that has been a rather contentious issue is our choice to delay vaccinations and possibly completely forgo them. I come from a family with a number of doctors and a definitely allopathic view towards medicine and they are strongly disapproving of this choice. I knew it was going to be challenge to make parenting decisions that were less main stream, but I was totally unprepared for being made to feel like a bad and irresponsible mother for not vaccinating my two month old (even by close friends and family).


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *femalephish* 
Baby isn't even here yet, but I thought I would add; Gender neutral clothing. We don't know the gender and family is like, "what are we going to buy for you? When you find out we'll have to get some real clothes. If you don't find out you'll be _stuck_ with all green and yellow clothes." (I think that's better than being stuck with all blue or pink!! )

Why does every stranger need to know the gender of my 3 month old? Is it important to how you will treat her/him? and then they tell me that babies/children are just into pink or blue (or trucks or dolls) from birth because it's 'natural'. Yeah, 'cause that's all you give them! What is it about having a penis that makes blue look better to you, exactly?

(ps. I was a gender/sexualities student at Uni, so this is near and dear to my heart. smile.)









:

ds happens to look HORRIBLE in powder blue (he would look just as bad in pastel pink) so I pretty much have to make his clothes. He's thirteen months old so I'm kind of sick of dealing with people who HAVE to know his gender before they can even say "hello" and I live in a small town so I can't do the fun experiment of taking the same baby to the same mall dressed in pink and then dressed in blue and filming the deifferent ways people treat him, based soley on the colour of the clothing, but I can, however, tell you my favourite answer to:

"Are you having a boy or a girl?"

"Yes."

I kept saying "Yes" to "Is that a boy or a girl?" after he was born. ds is very pretty, so I think I make more difference by saying "Isn't he?" instead of getting offended or embarassed when people compliment me on my "princess" and I always like to throw in something about his sister being very strong.


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## ShadowMoon (Oct 18, 2006)

I voted other. The one issue that caused a lot of strife was the decision to leave my boy intact. (Unfortunately the only one I had to defend myself against was dp and he still disagrees with me on this







)

I have been lucky to have a supportive family and open-minded friends. I have always been a black sheep hippy (lol) so most of my parenting and lifestyle choices are no biggie by now.


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

I picked "other" Homebirth BY FAR gets me in trouble, and yelled at and accused more than anything else.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

I voted cosleeping but what I meant is my (not really our, my husband whould have) refusual to CIO. It has been a rough, rough two years as a result but I just won't do it. This would be the constant flak from our friends and MIL (but not my family).

My family is very, very pro-bf but they don't nurse much longer than 14-16m and so my decision to pump until 18m certain caused some eye-wiggling but also a fair amount of respect. We are still nursing now and have no comments at all. My sister (a woman who pumped and fed her preemie via syringe so as not to ruin her latch) thinks it is the weirdest thing every that my cousin nursed her son until 3 (the same cousin who pumped until she finally got her 6m to latch!).

Finally, we are going to CD with #2. My mom was pretty horrified but per family tradition not a word was said.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *makuahine* 
I'm only three and a half months into being a parent, so I haven't had to defend too many parenting choices yet, but one thing that has been a rather contentious issue is our choice to delay vaccinations and possibly completely forgo them. I come from a family with a number of doctors and a definitely allopathic view towards medicine and they are strongly disapproving of this choice. I knew it was going to be challenge to make parenting decisions that were less main stream, but I was totally unprepared for being made to feel like a bad and irresponsible mother for not vaccinating my two month old (even by close friends and family).

Why do they know your child's vaccination status? You are not obligated to share your child's private medical information with anyone. Next time just say something vague, like "He's had all the shots he needs." Not a lie, since he doesn't need any shots! If they push, say "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss my child's medical history with you. Pass the salt?"

When you let people engage you in the debate, you give them the impression that their opinion matters and could ultimately sway you--that they have a say. So don't engage.

I went through similar discussions with DH's family (lots of allopaths there as well) until I decided just not to talk about it anymore.


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## serenekitten (Nov 20, 2008)

I voted "General Lifestyle."

Being polyamorous and pregnant sucks. My family seems to think my girlfriend is going to go on a jealous, murderous rampage when they haven't even met her.







I don't expect this battle to get any easier when the baby is born.


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## knowerofnada (Dec 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 
Why do they know your child's vaccination status? You are not obligated to share your child's private medical information with anyone. Next time just say something vague, like "He's had all the shots he needs." Not a lie, since he doesn't need any shots! If they push, say "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss my child's medical history with you. Pass the salt?"

When you let people engage you in the debate, you give them the impression that their opinion matters and could ultimately sway you--that they have a say. So don't engage.

I went through similar discussions with DH's family (lots of allopaths there as well) until I decided just not to talk about it anymore.









Sorry, I do realize this is totally OT, and I know you weren't addressing me, but I had to comment....my personal opinion is that similar to a BFing mother hiding under a blanket every time she NIP and thereby fueling the belief that nursing is something you need to hide, I feel that not discussing your feelings towards vaccinations, even admist great controversy, fuels the mainstream belief about vaccinations. When people start to meet other people who don't vaccinate, as much crap as you get, and as much as they protest, at least it puts an idea into their head....at least they now actually know an intelligent, educated person who went against the grain....and they will eventually meet more and more people like this.....I think silence is really a great disservice reagrding the vaccination controversy. I'd much rather face great strife and controversy from family, friends, & co-workers regarding my decision than remain silent about something I feel so strongly about that is affecting so many children negatively...I think it is our public _duty_, those of us who have spent countless hours researching our decision, to make others more _aware_...and that it's not just a few crazy people out there rejecting the mainstream...and I don't mean that you have to go on and on about the research you've done and how you've come to your decision....I don't....but I am quite proud to say, "I reject vaccinations for my family", when they know I am a very well-educated and intelligent person. (Except of course to record-keepers like doctors and schools, then the religion card -- but that's for safety reasons)


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## Biscuits & Gravy (Jul 17, 2008)

I chose general lifestyle because we've been on the defense about a number of these. We're generally labeled "the hippies" amongst our friends and our family just doesn't really know what to think or say so I think they avoid even bringing things up. However, I use the word "defense" lightly. They may tease us or think we're odd, but they still treat us with love and respect.

I think the vax thing will be our top issue from now on though. DS1 was vaxed on schedule because I was not aware or educated about delaying or selectively vaxing. DS2 has not had any so far, and we'll be doing a delayed/selective schedule for him. My mom is already on my a$$ about it.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *knowerofnada* 
Sorry, I do realize this is totally OT, and I know you weren't addressing me, but I had to comment....my personal opinion is that similar to a BFing mother hiding under a blanket every time she NIP and thereby fueling the belief that nursing is something you need to hide, I feel that not discussing your feelings towards vaccinations, even admist great controversy, fuels the mainstream belief about vaccinations. When people start to meet other people who don't vaccinate, as much crap as you get, and as much as they protest, at least it puts an idea into their head....at least they now actually know an intelligent, educated person who went against the grain....and they will eventually meet more and more people like this.....I think silence is really a great disservice reagrding the vaccination controversy. I'd much rather face great strife and controversy from family, friends, & co-workers regarding my decision than remain silent about something I feel so strongly about that is affecting so many children negatively...I think it is our public _duty_, those of us who have spent countless hours researching our decision, to make others more _aware_...and that it's not just a few crazy people out there rejecting the mainstream...and I don't mean that you have to go on and on about the research you've done and how you've come to your decision....I don't....but I am quite proud to say, "I reject vaccinations for my family", when they know I am a very well-educated and intelligent person. (Except of course to record-keepers like doctors and schools, then the religion card -- but that's for safety reasons)

I have heard of CPS investigations being launched because disgruntled or "concerned" relatives called them after finding out a family member didn't vax. Not vaxing is not enough for CPS to investigate, but if a couple of angry family members band together and make up a convincing story, well...I'd rather not go there.

I also don't think you can compare NIP to openly and proudly not vaccinating, because I have yet to hear anyone compare breastfeeding in public to child abuse, while I have personally seen and heard not vaccinating called exactly that. There can be legal and professional repercussions for people who choose not to vaccinate their children, as unfair and wrong as it is, and personally I'm not out to save the world. While I admire your spirit, I think it might be wise to acknowledge these risks instead of minimizing the very real chances one takes by being blunt and transparent about not vaccinating. Not everyone shares your values.

Even aside from the potential legal harassment, I personally know an unvaxed child whose mother was asked not to bring him to a play group anymore when some other mothers found out he was completely unvaccinated. This child was close friends with another DC in the group and it was, by all accounts, devastating for him and his mother.

Please don't think I am ashamed of not vaccinating--I stand firmly by my decision and I'm happy to defend it until I'm blue in the face, if I feel that I might actually give someone food for thought. But I don't advertise our status as a non-vaccinating family because I value my son's privacy and would hate for our family to suffer unnecessarily thanks to the bigotry and willful ignorance of others.


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## ErinBird (Dec 5, 2005)

Where I'd be giving birth and who my care providers will (or will not be)has caused the most friction for me, mostly from family.


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## Miracle And Wonder (Feb 13, 2009)

I chose "other", because whilst nursing is often a point of contention, the thing I deal with most often is spacing of my children. I had three children in less than a year, and now I am TTC. I expect that my two youngest children will be no less than two years apart. People are downright nasty about this, and I always feel the need to tell them that if I could I'd have had them spaced out over the past twenty years, but I'm kind of in a crunch to have babies before old lady menopause gets me.


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

cosleeping!!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Co-sleeping has been the issue for me. I have had to defend it to everyone, including my family who has supported me in everything else.


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## BellaClaudia (Aug 1, 2008)

I answered Vaccinations becaue it was toughest inside and outside..

but other then that..

above 6 mo the breastfeeding became major issue with many people around me.

cosleeping - nobody cared that much here as to talk me out of it..

stay at home issue is an issue for many people
and keeping child at home as opposed to organized scholing
is issue for many around me.


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## alwayshappy (Apr 16, 2009)

I would say our educational choices seem to have put some peoples backs up - we've chosen the best fee-paying school possible for our ds's that suits them and has very high academic and physical standards and reputation.

They both love their school, they seem to thrive on the high levels the school sets, their both very assured, intelligent kids and without the school stimulation (ie. vacation time) they really get bored and frustrated. Some people we know cant see why we choose to pay for something when they could just as easily go to a state school.

And we dont have any computer games/video games at home, only the Wii Fit for me. I won't ever have them in the house, even the educational games, they get enough school work at school, are both a year ahead scholastically so dont need it, and as for things like computer games on the nintendo DS or Playstation ..... NO! I consider it brain numbing, a sad substitute for a babysitter in many cases and totally unecessary.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

cosleeping and no vaxing to my dads family. ive had screaming matches :sigh:

with their dad, not circing when our oldest was a baby. id never thought about it before then found here when pregnant and decided not to. he wasnt thrilled but finally i got him to shut up. most of his issue was his little brother isnt and they used to torture each other about it :rollseyes:
rather than any real issues or thinking it needed to be done for any real reason. he shut up a long time ago though









other people-medical choices for myself pregnant then them thinking i was ucing and so of course that means im psycho


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## Sparks* (Feb 3, 2008)

discipline/manners has been the biggest for us I would guess.

It mostly comes up when ds is shy around people. I in no way see a reason to force him to say hello or give a hug goodbye, but everyone else seems to make a big deal about it.

I actually had a co-worker grab him out of my arms and run the other way with him kicking and screaming! I of course freaked out and was livid. She said, "he never gives me hugs so I just took some." That sounded eerily familiar to what a rapist might say imo.


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## atlambert (Apr 22, 2009)

I try to have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about my parenting thoughts, to avoid confrontation. I've discovered that when explaining my parenting tactics, I tend to become preachy, so I decided I just shouldn't talk about them at all!

What I most have to defend myself about are my choice of having a natural birth with no anesthetic, as many people asked me what I was going to do beforehand, and not circing my son. In fact, when my DS's foreskin retracted on its own a few weeks ago, causing him much pain, my MIL said she thought it would have been easier for me to circ him. I realized after discussing this with her that she has no idea what the intact anatomy is, and she truly doesn't think circumcision is painful. She actually told me she worries about the medical advice I'm getting in my town! I live in a MAJOR city, while she lives outside the city limits of a tiny town. Her ignorance makes me crazy!


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## Lovinmum (Aug 22, 2008)

Extended nursing WHILE pregnant and not vaxxing are the two that people tend to give me crap about. I would rather people give me crap than talk behind my back about me though. At least that way I can defend myself.


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

Breastfeeding. I think it comes up most frequently because it is what people see the most...no one really sees how we sleep or what our (non-existant) shot records look like.

We've been pretty lucky so far. Our family members and mainstream friends have been really respectful. Sometimes I'll get a raised eyebrow, but I'll raise an eyebrow right back at them and they know not to challenge. I think one reason they back down from the discussions easily is because they know they'll get an earful of logic and evidence based research and it's hard to counter that with "well my friend's uncle told me he read an article...blah blah blah..."


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

So far it is co-sleeping/not using CIO. But as my son is now 5 years old I am sure it will soon be my education choices.


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## Draupadi (Jul 19, 2007)

Extended breastfeeding is our issue. DS is only almost 2 and it's already begun. Actually, it started a few months ago with, "Isn't he a little too old?"
My mom keeps asking me when I am going to quit. She even goes so far as to tell my son "No nee-nee" if he asks for it and she's around.







:


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

So far, lack of television is the biggie, probably because dd is 3.5 and apparently every other child at her age watches TV. Things like EBF, co-sleeping, delay vax, homeschooling (dd is only preschool age), etc., are things that most people probably are not aware that we do. The TV thing gets noticed and commented on quite a bit.


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## greenmamapagan (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
So far, lack of television is the biggie, probably because dd is 3.5 and apparently every other child at her age watches TV. Things like EBF, co-sleeping, delay vax, homeschooling (dd is only preschool age), etc., are things that most people probably are not aware that we do. The TV thing gets noticed and commented on quite a bit.

Ditto here. It was a bit of a toss up between that and "general lifestyle" because many of my friends and family are shocked that we let DD choose her own bedtime and don't force her into bed at some random time we've chosen or taken from a parenting book. These are the same people who complain about their children getting up at the crack of dawn







Perhaps if they didn't force them into bed at 6pm they wouldn't be bounding around at 5am!
But it's tv that most people have something to say about. Despite the fact that we don't own a tv and haven't since DD was only a few weeks old we've gotten flack from both sides. We do have computers that play dvds and lately since DD is really interested in ballet she's been watching a few ballets. So while most people are aghast that our almost three year old has no idea who Elmo is, we've also copped abuse from newly tv-free parents (as in packed up the tv when their oldest was 5) who think our daughter gets too much screentime.







Everyone's a critic!


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

For me I think its a tie between no-CIO and no-spanking. So many of my friends spank and do CIO and I don't. I haven't had to really defend myself, but to explain why we take that approach. All I say is its what feels right to us.


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## mjg013 (Jul 29, 2008)

The number of children I have. Only to my mil though. My mom and dad both come from big families and it's pretty normal. My grandmother was one of 17, my dad and mom were both 1 of 6. They think I'm a little nuts but my mom thinks we're doing a wonderful job with our brood and she's thrilled for us. My mil on the other hand is not a kid person and has trouble maintaining her sanity around 1 child. The fact that we have 8 makes her crazy. But she doesn't give us a hard time anymore. We hear a lot when we're out and about with all of them but the good news is that we hear almost as many positive comments too. Breastfeeding has never been an issue. Although no one in my family breastfed they understand it and they are happy I chose to nurse my kids. Cosleeping is the norm in the South for the most part. That was just the way everyone in my family was raised so they never really thought anything of it. Circumcision was a bit of an issue but not one I was willing to discuss. We weren't doing it and that was the end of it. I vax on a delayed schedule. No one has to know that except my ped and he's ok with it. He's also ok with breastfeeding, cosleeping and even cloth diapering considering that he and his wife did all those things with their 4 kids. He had his twins when I had my 5th child. He tells everyone at the office that my kids have the coolest diapers. The other ped in his practice also cloth diapered his kids but that was many, many years ago and he loves my cloth diapers as well. I think cloth diapering has been the only other issue I've gotten flak over and mainly from my mom. She just doesn't understand doing something that she considers to be more work.

As for the green stuff like recycling and reusable bags and water and energy conservation, making my own cleaning supplies and laundry detergent...my mom used to make fun of me but now she does a lot of it herself. She used to not have to pay any utility bills because they live on a plantation and their boss takes care of all of that as part of their salary but now they own the house my sister lives in and since she and her dh don't work my parents pay their bills. Now that she realizes how much utility bills run she has gotten on board the conservation wagon.


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## JessieBird (Nov 21, 2008)

All the usual suspects - babywearing, bed-sharing, not giving formula before bed and cloth diapering - were issues in the beginning but everyone came around quickly when they saw how happy DS is and how well we've adjusted to having our first baby.

But the biggest on-going issue has been pacifier use. At first it was family giving me a hard time because I refused to give DS one (mainly because I hate the sight of them but I had the handy excuses of ongoing latch issues and the fact that he didn't seem to "need" one) but now from friends because I've changed my tune and decided to give him one at certain times.


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

With us it is that we still practice nudism, that's how I met my husband years ago









We are both nudists and for the most part our kids are too. My family has always found this distasteful and assumed we would stop with children in the house. I try to not discuss it with them, but a couple of times we have had announced visitors at the door and they had to wait while we (adults) got dressed, the kids stayed naked lol It was ackward.


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## SammieLynnsMom (May 4, 2009)

For me would probably be not vaxxing. I get e-mails daily from my mom about this outbreak or that. Next would probably be delaying foods---I'm starving the poor girl, but she isn't handling solids foods well. Next would be extended breastfeeding. That is it for now...she's only 8 months old though! One thing I do get flack on for though, not listed, is my clothing addiction for her. I'll admit, I buy too much, but I do re-sell it all, so it doesn't go into a landfill... but I'm not about to give up my Gymboree or J&J. I'll give a lot up, I won't give that up. Oh and no CIO, my mom expected to me to put my 8 week old screaming baby in her crib and walk away...um, she's 8 months old and has never been left to CIO.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

Being a SAHM.


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## THBVsMommy (Mar 13, 2007)

Not spanking/gentle discipline, hands down. & of course there is always an excuse for how I'm able to have a well-mannered, well-behaved three year old without having to hit him [ "_he just hasn't hit that stage yet. just wait, you'll be spanking him soon enough_" ].

& then of course once people find out we don't vax, that's starts a whole other controversy. But we are less vocal about DS' vax status unless personally asked.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Education choices. My MIL was fit to be tied when we told her we were enrolling our big guy into Montessori. She's a public school teacher and while she hasn't said anything along that vein, she has offered a billion and one reasons why she thought Montessori was a bad ideal. Her chief one being that he'll be bored when he gets into public school. I don't think she realizes that that argument pushed us further towards the Montessori. lol


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Breastfeeding, hands down! I nursed her for 5 years. Apparently that is a cardinal sin.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

The whole vax issue.


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