# My toddler wont stop pushing!



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Ds who just turned 2 is constantly pushing other children!! It mostly happens at playgroup when he is playing with something and the other kids just come near him he pushes hard and they fall on their bottoms. He will also do this when he wants something that they have. Im so frustrated. I first try to stop him from doing it in the first place by staying close and monitoring him closely. But of course, I get up to get a drink, or go to throw away my cup or something and boom hes pushed some poor kid down. Hes not that big either- 33 inches, 24 pounds. But thats kind of a nil point.

This is what I am currently doing: if I dont stop the push from happening in the first place. I take him away from the situation, usually another room and sit him down on the couch or chair and tell him that he needs to be gentle and kind to others. I ask him to show me gentle touches. He either is laughing cuz he thinks what I am saying is funny?? or is crying to get down from where I have placed him. I dont force him too long (maybe 30 seconds while I talk to him) to sit and then we go over to the child he pushed and say sorry and have him give a gentle touch. It doesnt seem to be working!

I feel that all of the other moms in our playgroup are hating me for ds's behavior. Im trying, really I am, but he is still doing it. I feel like crying everytime it happens. I dont want a bully for a son. I dont want to stop going to playgroup cuz then he'll never learn how to act appropriately around other kids.

ANy suggestions or thoughts are very much welcome.


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## Mama Bee (Aug 20, 2003)

I don't have any suggestions I just wanted to offer you a







. My DS is the same way with hair-pulling. I feel just as awful for you. DS, too, laughs when I take him away from the situation to talk to him.... it's almost like taking him away is rewarding the behavior. I don't know what to tell you to do... or what to do myself. Maybe somebody else will have more to offer.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

bumping cuz really, I am desperate. We went out to the botanical gardens today with friends and he pushed one little friend. He thinks its fun, like thats the game he's supposed to play. I try to talk to him but he just ignores me and continues teh behavior. Idont want to be exhiled but I dont want him to continue hurting others! Im totally crying cuz I just hate that he is so mean......Im never like this to him. WHere did he learn this behavior??????????


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## lucia'smom (May 29, 2002)

i don't have any solutions for you, sorry. just wanted to say, i understand! we are working with my daughter (22 months) on the same issue. we trade babysitting with another family who has a boy the same age as lucia and she is constantly pushing this other little boy down. we think she picked it up from another boy she used to play with frequently. she defintly does it for the reaction it gets from us; she'll look over to us to see what we will do about it after she does it, usually with a wicked little grin on her face. it's very frusterating and upsetting! if my partner and i are both there one of us picks up the little boy she pushed down (to comfort him) and the other takes lucia away to another room and talks to her about it. maybe we are making too big a deal about it? because she obviously does it for a reaction, and we certainly give her one? not suggesting we ignore it. we try and remind her there are other things it is ok to push, like a toy bus that she has, but that it is not ok to push people. the thing it, when the other family is babysitting her, she rarely acts like this. they say that sometimes she will take a toy away from him, but she doesn't bully him unless we are around. i don't know, just hoping it's a phase or something!


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## Meli65 (Apr 29, 2002)

My son is just a little older than yours and has also had a terrible problem with pushing. It seems to be getting better on its own -- I remember last summer he was biting us like crazy and that too just went away. So just biding your time might work ...

I find that Miles pushes when he gets overexcited, usually with a lot of other kids. We have talked about it a lot, like before we go to a playgroup ('we're going to play nicely with the other kids today, no pushing, right?'). There is a gym time free-for-all that we go to that he loves and recently he pushed a little baby down for no reason at all. I was mortified and swooped him outside for a time out -- I could tell that he too was ashamed. When we went back in, we apologized to the baby and his mom, and I told Miles that "one more push and we're going home." He got close to pushing other kids a couple of times but as soon as he saw or heard me, he remembered and stopped what he was doing.

I would suggest that your "time out" period maybe go a wee bit longer so that your ds has more time to calm down and realize what's happened. Good luck!


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## davidsmama (Oct 4, 2002)

I agree with the time out extenstion! My ds (27 months) has been pushing for a while and I was at my wits end. We would be a a b-day party and he would just get so exited to play that it got the best of him. He would push for no reason("playing") or if someone had a toy he wanted! I warned him the first time that if he pushed again he would have a time out. Then he did it again. I quickly picked him up and took him into a quiet room. He fought sitting down but you just have to keep sitting him down. I have heard that 1 min per year of age is appropriate. He sits for two minutes. At home we set the kitchen timer. It seems to work or at least makes him think twice!

I come from a family that when traveling, there was a paddle under the driver seat and they weren't afraid to use it! The same went for home! I am determined to find better ways to discipline. Time outs seem to be the only means of getting the point across when it comes to hurting other children... at least for my ds!!

Hope this helps!


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## delphine (Aug 12, 2003)

My DS (23 months) does the same thing. I think it's important to be consistent. i.e. take him away each time, talk with him, and have a short time out. While I don't think DS really understands that he could hurt someone, we do try to explain it to him.

I usually give him one warning, then a time out. If it continues, we leave. I believe that you have to follow through with consequences, so if we tell him he gets one more chance, he really only gets one more chance.

I hope you find something that works for you. It is so hard to be gentle and understanding but, at the same time, teach them that certain behaviors are unacceptable, no matter what.

Oh, I know that I have been given the advice before to have him help comfort the child that he pushed. Don't make him say he is sorry, but at least it helps for him to see some consequences to pushing. We are trying this, and it seems to be working.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

It sounds like you have a couple of great suggestions already. The thing to keep in mind is that this is very typical toddler behavior. Last fall I watched my 2.5 year old dd and a neighbor girl who is a year younger. I didn't have much problem with my dd (other than the occasional tug-o-war over a toy), but the other little girl would pinch, push, or hit occasionally.

A couple of things that worked for me were to simply take away the object of dispute (conflicts were invariably over one toy or another). This worked if the toy was being constantly argued over. There were days that it seemed there were more toys on high shelves than on the floor!







:

I also tried to prevent things from becoming a problem. If I knew there was a hot toy, I would start them out with the expectations of turns. "Ok, Katie, now it's your turn. Then Eva will have a turn." This usually worked pretty well. There might have been the occasional tear at parting with the toy, but surprisingly little aggression towards the other child.

I would also remind each other to use gentle touches before there was a problem. If Katie was playing with a toy I knew Eva would want, I would remind both of them as they got in close proximity to each other. It often short-circuited whatever path they would be going down, because they had to think about this new thing I had said.

And, of course, there were days that there was nothing to be done. One would push the other, have a small time out to calm down. Then the other would push the first in retaliation.

Good luck to you!

Bec


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## Mere (Oct 1, 2002)

One of the little girls in our playgroup (also 2) has a pushing problem as well. What I've seen her mom do is to intervene with something like 'pushing is not okay, you need to use your words. Are you trying to tell John that you want a turn with the ball? Okay then, you need to say 'John I want a turn with the ball.' I'm not around her enough to know if this strategy is having any effect, but I like her mom's approach!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Thank you so much for your responses and advice. I hear about these 24 month old kids and even younger that understand what their caregivers are telling them, and Im not sure that ds does understand. But Im definitely going to try all the recomendations and see what works. And I agree that consitency is the key! Even if it means we have to leave the playdate. It just stinks cuz Mama needs a little time out with friends too but I do want to solve this problem of ours.

We went to Music and Movement class today. Before we went in I talked about what we were gonna do and I had him show me nice touches and miraculously he did gentle hands on me. I then also discussed with him that I wanted him to just use nice touches with our friends and no pushing, that wasnt nice. He repeated, no pushing. He is such a sweet boy, really, he is. One of his friends was laying down lounging while we were all marching around and he thought that they had fallen and he tried to help him up, but he was a little rough about it. I intervenec. And then his other little friend wasnt marching, just standing and he put his hand on her back to try and get her to go, he told her, "come on!" but he didnt push her. So....maybe its working??? Time will only tell I guess.

The thing is that I know what its like to be on the receiving end of it all. He had a friend that constantly pulled his hair. The other little boy would consistently pull his hair 10 + times in a playdate. The mom didnt do much about it. Just told him no and then ungripped his hands from my ds's hair! After awhile I started feeling angry and would steer ds away from this boy. In fact the little boy still does this but ds then pushes him down when he does.....ugh... the mom acts so upset about ds and then doesnt say anything to her son who yanked out my son's locks. Anways, I dont want the other moms in my group to feel that way about ds and I.


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## mommycaroline (Mar 2, 2004)

This comes and goes and comes and goes in our house. Just when I think we've mastered that hurdle, some other form of violence emerges. Mostly it's pushing, but sometimes it's hitting, or grabbing, or screaming "NO!" at other kids. It's really hard to deal with. And, my DD is a really sweet kid too.









Recently, she pushed a friend who was "looking at her cracker" that DD had dropped on the ground. Don't know why this upset her so much, but she went on and on about it. I whisked her away, and said "we don't treat our friends like that, etc, etc" but she persisted "she doesn't want to look at my cracker!!!!" (transalation: she SHOULDN'T look at my cracker, LOL) We ended up leaving the park that day, and it was a BIG statement on my part. She talked about it for nearly a week afterward, and was angry every time she brought it up. I would gently remind her that she wasn't being harmed, and when we drop things, sometimes other people will look at them, it was okay that someone was looking at her cracker and that we just don't hit our friends, or anyone for that matter. Over and over again. Eventually, she got it! And, she hasn't brought it up since.

Hard, I know. And, it doesn't just go away miraculously when you find the magic answer. I sure wish it would!

Caroline


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

i think you are doing the right thing.







, just keep on keeping on and be consistent, he'll get it!!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I just wanted to let everyone know that we went to playgroup and ds didnt push a single soul!! I feel so good. ANd hopefully, so does ds. One of his little friends had something ( I think it was a shovel) and he went to push her, and I said, "gentle Parker" and he looked at me, and then I said , "SHow Sophia gentle touches" and he put his arm around her and hugged her and said, "Awww" The little girl's mom was very impressed and said, "see, heather, hes starting to get it" YAH!!!! It felt so good to not feel like crying because my lil guy was a big brute.

Just wanted to share!
Thanks everyone for the comments, advice, and encourgement!


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## cinnamonamon (May 2, 2003)

Congrats, mama! I'm reading threads like this avidly, because I'm seeing so much of this aggresiveness starting in the playgroups I'm part of (12 months-ish). The only thing I can come up with is more parental attention? Does it help when you are right there and your dc is interacting with you often? I'm curious about trying this -- but not all that excited as it will ruin quite a bit of the "mommy time" side to a playdate, kwim? Does this make any sense? Hmmm... :LOL

Hope that wasn't too much of a hijack! :LOL


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