# Spanking socially acceptable?



## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Why is spanking so socially accepted or expected? It seems that practically every child expert out there agrees that spanking is not an effective or preferred form of punishment, so why do so many people still think that it is?

I know one answer is that they think that it is "Christian" or "Biblical" to punish with spanking. I was sort of shocked yesterday when Caleb's speech therapist told me that "The Bible says you should spank your kids". What? Is that the "spare the rod and spoil the child" line? As I understand it, this is to mean the rod of guidance, which was used for herding sheep in the right direction, not beating the sheep. So are pastors and Christian leaders and authors still propagating the myth that God says you should hit his most precious gift- children?

What do you say in the face of critics who feel that spanking is the right way, based on divine childrearing? I would love a line here... When DS was a baby I always said "The American Academy of Pediatrics says...." I know Mother Theresa must have said something peaceful and prophetic about this...

Exasperated.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

If I get parenting advice from a person working with dd I tell them that I point out that the advice they gave is parenting advice and not related to their job and that I am happy with the way I parent dd. This has happened with breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and allowing dd to negotiate with me on negotiable issues and I have used this each time in a polite tone.


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

I like A.S. Neill's quote - goodness from fear of punishment isn't goodness at all, but cowardice.

And Matthew 7:12 is handy for the bible thumpers.

I usually respond with, "I want to teach him, not hurt him"


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Around here spanking is completely normal and most people assume I do it. Last year at 4 year old t-ball I had a Mom telling me a "funny" story about how her son got spanked for wiping cheetos on his white shorts and lying about it.







:

I don't feel I need to explain or justify my parenting choices by quoting anyone. I do, however, feel it's important to let people know I don't believe in spanking. I feel my silence let's them assume I agree with spanking and does nothing to help the mindset around here.

So I usually tell people, "We don't spank" and if I get any questions about why I just say, "I don't believe hitting children is the best way to teach them" and leave it at that.

People think I'm nuts .. but I'm used to that.


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## hedgewitch (Jan 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
Around here spanking is completely normal and most people assume I do it. Last year at 4 year old t-ball I had a Mom telling me a "funny" story about how her son got spanked for wiping cheetos on his white shorts and lying about it.







:


Yuck. Here in Canada it doesn't seem to be the norm at all, I've never seen it or heard anyone mention that they hit.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

People are afraid to say "Hitting is abuse" for fear of being ostracised.


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## Kelly Jene (Jun 8, 2008)

I'm a Christian mom and we absolutely do not spank. Spare the rod, spoil the child to me means just what you said. The rod is guidance and discipline in general. If you hit something animal or child it creates fear, that does not guide them!

I don't know why spanking is still so prevalent. Maybe it comes from kids who were spanked. Though, being a person who was spanked in childhood, it was on my list of "never do this to my kids".


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Yuck. Here in Canada it doesn't seem to be the norm at all, I've never seen it or heard anyone mention that they hit.

Yes, I think this is definitely a regional/cultural thing. Spanking is definitely not socially acceptable around here.


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## Poogles0213 (May 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heatherweh* 
I know one answer is that they think that it is "Christian" or "Biblical" to punish with spanking. I was sort of shocked yesterday when Caleb's speech therapist told me that "The Bible says you should spank your kids". What? Is that the "spare the rod and spoil the child" line? As I understand it, this is to mean the rod of guidance, which was used for herding sheep in the right direction, not beating the sheep. So are pastors and Christian leaders and authors still propagating the myth that God says you should hit his most precious gift- children?

I have also read that the king who said "spare the rod spoil the child" was really referring to his own parenting style, and his son was a horribly violent tyrant...so much for spoiling the child


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Yuck. Here in Canada it doesn't seem to be the norm at all, I've never seen it or heard anyone mention that they hit.

Same here. Don't know about the rest of Canada but I only know one mama who spanks here and I think she's coming around.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Why on earth is your speach therapist talking about religion OR discipline techniques?

She's out of line and you don't need to quote Biblical verses back at her- you need to affirm that she's crossed a boundary and resume a professional conversation.


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## waiflywaif (Oct 17, 2005)

I think "socially acceptable" depends on your social circle. It definitely is not acceptable around here.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Because it still happens and the majority of people it happened to do not question it, and thus it is in their parenting toolbox and when they see it isn't in yours they put themselves in your shoes and wonder HOW you do anything without spanking as a motivation or threat. SO many people think GD means NO D, because they think talking isn't discipline, teaching isn't discipline, negotiating isn't discipline. I knjow some parents who wouldn't HAVE any "parenting techniques" if they didn't spank. They seem to let their kids do whatever they want until it is heading towards disaster and then hit them.

I usually tell anyone that questions my decision not to smack that "no one hits anyone in our house". I once, to my continuing regret, smacked DD's hand. It doesn't matter why - *I* lost control, she hadn't done anything particularly awful, i was just suddenly out of rope and smacked her hand. I felt terribly about it and still do but when i told my own father he said "It was just a little tap, it didn't even leave a mark, you shouldn't worry about it" and i replied "Dad, if DP hit me and it didn't even leave a mark would YOU worry about it?" and he suddenly saw my point. He was smacked a lot as a child, but my motherprevented him from smacking me.

I think as long as there are people who think "I was smacked and it didn't do me any harm" there will be pockets where it is still widely acceptable.


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

I live in a small town in Virginia (I hasten to explain that I'm a transplant- heehee), it really is the norm here. I think pps are right in that it is just passed down and around in families. But as one pp mentioned, being spanked as a child, albeit infrequently, made me firm in my resolve not to do that to my child because it felt like such a humiliation and violation really. So rather than repeating the mistakes of the past generation it seems like a better idea to learn from them and change them. I think that I will try that next time a friend tells me about spanking their child, to just say point blank "I don't believe that spanking a child is appropriate", not that they don't know, but more to let them know that I don't want to hear it really either.

My MIL in particular likes to quote that passage from the Bible and I really feel that Christian leaders should actively work on dispelling myths propagated by misinterpretations of scripture rather than ignoring them. If it is passed down as the Christian thing to do, then not-spanking must make you a bad Christian right? I would love to have a good argument to back me rather than just "I don't agree", its the debater in me.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Yes, it's certainly regional. I'm in the deep south and it's much more common here than in other areas. I grew up in California and still have many friends there .. not one of them spanks. But here it's very, very common.

I'm like the pp's .. I was spanked on occasion as a child and that is one of the things that made me dead set against it. I remember the shame, humiliation, pain and then anger that went along with the punishment.







I vowed to never put my child through that.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

The Bible does not say you have to spank your children.

May I refer you to www.gentlechristianmothers.com


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
The Bible does not say you have to spank your children.

May I refer you to www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Yes you MAY! This is precisely what I was looking for. TY.


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## sahmama_12 (May 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Yuck. Here in Canada it doesn't seem to be the norm at all, I've never seen it or heard anyone mention that they hit.

I wanna move to where you live. Unfortunately where I do: many ppl spank and even the ones who don't advocate corporal punish in slapping hands and physically moving children from places they shouldn't be sometimes very roughly in my opinion. I feel very alone so can I come live with you??

I hate the spanking argument. I'm always having it with my ILs. My FIL will say "your way takes so much work; its just easier to wack the kid" and my MIL always stresses that she never spanks in anger. As if that makes it better!! So you sat down and calmly assessed the situation and decided hmmmm lets go abuse my child. I can understand, not condone but understand losing it and hitting a person. Its still wrong but to calm down first that makes the violation even worse.

The other big argument was that with DH "nothing else worked" "it was a last resort" Well I've got news for them! It didn't work either!!! He just got sneakier and better at hiding issues.

Sorry to get off on a rant. But I really hate it when ppl tell you to spank your child.

As for the OP: tell your speech therapist to go to he** and get a new one. She has no right to question your parenting.


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## destinybound (Apr 20, 2004)

When it comes to spanking in public, I always think, "what if that was a dog. Being smacked and yelping. People would be up in arms, someone would say something. With a kid, people just turn away(including me at the advice of my dh).


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## Tinker (Mar 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heatherweh* 
Why is spanking so socially accepted or expected? It seems that practically every child expert out there agrees that spanking is not an effective or preferred form of punishment, so why do so many people still think that it is?

I know one answer is that they think that it is "Christian" or "Biblical" to punish with spanking. I was sort of shocked yesterday when Caleb's speech therapist told me that "The Bible says you should spank your kids". What? *Is that the "spare the rod and spoil the child" line? As I understand it, this is to mean the rod of guidance, which was used for herding sheep in the right direction, not beating the sheep. So are pastors and Christian leaders and authors still propagating the myth that God says you should hit his most precious gift- children?*

What do you say in the face of critics who feel that spanking is the right way, based on divine childrearing? I would love a line here... When DS was a baby I always said "The American Academy of Pediatrics says...." I know Mother Theresa must have said something peaceful and prophetic about this...

Exasperated.

This is one of the few things about our preacher that I hate. He actually has guidelines on how it should be done and what should be used.


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## Kelly Jene (Jun 8, 2008)

My dad always claimed we would respect him more because we were spanked (and often). There was no respect. Only fear. And tell me, in this place where you should feel safest, most loved, adored, cherished, free and comfortable, how in the world does spanking confirm that? Oh, I'm loved until I drop a plate? I'm loved until I get excited and run in the house? Spanking from my experience takes your self worth down a notch each time. It breeds anger, resentment, hostility, low to no self-esteem. And all so the parent doesn't have to spend five minutes getting a hold of themselves and saying, ok sweetheart let's not run in the house, I don't want you to get hurt!

Or in my house, I just say hey lets move the couches and tables and have a free for all for a day!


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## iowaorganic (May 19, 2007)

My parents spanked us and mom is continually telling me to 'lay down the law' with DD. She is 2.5 and rowdy- she needs to burn off energy- not get spanked. My reply is always 'well, God gave me my children as a gift- what do you think God would do if he saw me abuse his gift?'. I dunno- I am sick of arguing about it with her. MIL isn't much better- but always warns me to never spank in public- 'you can get your kids taken away for that now'. Hmmmm.

off to check out the gentle christian moms site...


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## southernmommie (Jan 7, 2007)

Is anyone looking at the current trends in our discipline methods and our current trends in child crimes? Kids shootings in schools just to name one. I'm not saying that spanking is the answer. I'm also not saying that not spanking is the answer.


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## Hannahsmummy (Oct 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Yuck. Here in Canada it doesn't seem to be the norm at all, I've never seen it or heard anyone mention that they hit.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
Yes, I think this is definitely a regional/cultural thing. Spanking is definitely not socially acceptable around here.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
Yes, it's certainly regional. I'm in the deep south and it's much more common here than in other areas. I grew up in California and still have many friends there .. not one of them spanks.

I am Canadian, spent 7 years in California and now live in the UK. I have never felt like I was around people who saw spanking as socially acceptable and I have never been told to physically punish my child.

Perhaps though, it's not just the culture of the area you are in but who we surround ourselves with. I know that unfortunately you can't choose your relatives!
In what context would a speech therapist pass on that tidbit of information anyways?! I would be livid.


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## uptowngirl (Jun 9, 2008)

I have never seen a mother in my peer group spank her child. I think it may have something to do with SES and norms in uneducated communities---and perhaps less to do with Christianity and more to do with culture. Not judging---we all are products of how we are raised. My mom was a spanker and I am not---so people can change, when they bother to learn.


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *southernmommie* 
Is anyone looking at the current trends in our discipline methods and our current trends in child crimes? Kids shootings in schools just to name one. I'm not saying that spanking is the answer. I'm also not saying that not spanking is the answer.

That seems a simplification of a serious problem. I don't feel that spanking plays into the equation seriously here. Certainly those who are abused, mentally, physically, and especially sexually are more prone to psychological disorders in the future and more prone to commit said acts upon others. Abuse can breed abuse.

I don't know if there is as much of a relationship between discipline methods and crime than parenting methods in general. It seems to me that in most of these tragic cases the parents are simply not part of the childrearing process at all, they are checked-out and removed, never there maybe working two jobs or whatever. In the case of urban crime and gag-violence. I don't think it is because of the gentle rearing of young men and women that gang members become violent or apathetic to it, I think it has more to do with the gang culture, rap music and the putting of material gain as the highest aspiration in life, and growing up underprivileged. Passing on a legacy of spanking doesn't seem to help anyone be a better parent and I don't think it would reduce crime. I guess if polled, many prisoners who committed violent crimes were probably spanked and perhaps even beaten, but many were probably NOT parented well.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hannahsmummy* 
I am Canadian, spent 7 years in California and now live in the UK. I have never felt like I was around people who saw spanking as socially acceptable and I have never been told to physically punish my child.

Perhaps though, it's not just the culture of the area you are in but who we surround ourselves with. I know that unfortunately you can't choose your relatives!
In what context would a speech therapist pass on that tidbit of information anyways?! I would be livid.

Trust me, it is a cultural thing in the south. As a matter of fact, my family is VERY supportive of my anti-spanking stance and regrets the fact that we were ever spanked as kids.

I'm talking about everywhere else I do ... the grocery store, t-ball, EVERYWHERE. Sure, there are some people who don't spank, but they are rare. When my son went to Waldorf pre-school was the first time I found an entire, large group of people who didn't spank.









Ask anyone from the deep south and you'll get the same answer ... the deep south is pro-spanking. In Alabama paddling is legal in many of the public schools.

It's not the people I'm around, it's the culture.


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