# Well... I'm not pregnant anymore.



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I was off on vacation near yosemite last week...

I bled through the weekend (25th-26th), and monday (the 27th) we went into yosemite to the giant redwoods and bridalveil falls, and that evening I was having contractions (about mid-labor strength, hard enough to need to lay down) and after about an hour I passed the gestational sac. An hour or two more of contractions and I passed a larger gel like thing... it was three times the size of the sac. I don't have a clue what that was. But I did put the sac and other... thing... in a bag and froze it to see if I can have it looked at. I need to call the nurse practitioner and see what we can do.


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## soxthecatrules (Oct 20, 2008)

I'm so sorry mama.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thinking of you.







I'm sorry it had to happen on your vacation.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I'm actually glad it happened on vacation, funny enough. I was so worried about this vacation, with all my IL's, with my little neice 7 weeks older than Fiona, but the women (MIL and SILs) were very compassionate and kind. I got to rest and not have to turn around and work with children the next day, and I got to have moments to relflect, and moments to forget by enjoying my family doing fun things. Having my little neice around was more soothing than disturbing... holding her and smelling her hair was very comforting, which I didn't expect. My husband was with me the entire week, instead of going to work. My IL's watched Orion and took him swimming and let me rest when I needed to. Luckily I had gotten a 'script filled of vicodin before we left, so I had adequate pain management.

When I was about 6 weeks along the name Skyler popped into my head. And at night I can feel like Fiona and this little one are in my spiritual arms... Fiona with her light red hair and delicate features, and our newly lost baby dark haired, chubby and chunky in my other arm.


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm so sorry, that's awful.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry mama! Please take care of yourself.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

im really sorry you lost another little one,
(((((((hugs))))))))))

Jools


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)




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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Thank you all. All I can think of is how much I want another child, but how much more can I take before I totally loose it? I both want to chart and ttc and get on the pill AND use condoms all at once.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I am so very sorry to hear this, Lisa. I was holding out hope for the best. *hugs*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
Thank you all. All I can think of is how much I want another child, but how much more can I take before I totally loose it? I both want to chart and ttc and get on the pill AND use condoms all at once.

I just wanted to say OMG, I know exactly how you feel. When we lost Butterball, I was desperate, but in both directions. My only advice is to go slowly and give yourself some time to grieve this little one. *hugs*


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Good to know that I'm not crazy.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

i know how you feel about wanting to TTC and not TTC,
i lost my baby 5 days ago at 16 weeks and all i can think about is how much i want to be pregnant again, but i am also terrified of being pregnant again because i can't bear another loss,
its overwhelming, but i do believe its normal that you will want to try again and it doesn't mean that you are not grieving for the baby you lost,

Jools


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Still thinking of you. I'm sorry.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh Lisa, no! i'm so sorry you've lost another baby. i'm so sad for you. i hate to see any baby lost but it's especially distressing that this was your to-be rainbow baby.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)




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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry









Thinking of you and sending some major peace and healing vibes~


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama! I am so sorry


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

*HUGE hugs* mama. And now, it's the next stage. I really strongly remember when this happened to Rachele as well. Now look! It is strange, isn't it, how life just keeps going and sometimes we want it to go faster, and sometimes slower...

You day _will_ come. It's what kept me going through all the months we didn't conceive and then the chemical pregnancy made me even more anxious! When I got pregnant this time, I really half thought I'd miscarry as well (touch wood we're in the "safe" zone now, though with a full term stillbirth we never do feel comfy do we?) and even my mother said "you know, be prepared, because you might miscarry. She actually had my sister right after my stillborn brother and carried her to term, but has had two miscarriages as well, one at the end of the first tri, and one about 15 weeks.

It's like climbing a mountain sometimes and your feet get so tired... I know. You are a LOVELY lady though. The universe is going to show you many bountiful things and you will conceive and carry to term...you will. When you hold your baby, not long from now in the grand scheme of things, you will look back and be amazed at the path you've traveled.

*HUGE hugs* and SO much love to you mama XXXXX


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
Thank you all. All I can think of is how much I want another child, but how much more can I take before I totally loose it? I both want to chart and ttc and get on the pill AND use condoms all at once.

I feel this way. Absolutely. Because I don't want *another* child. I want *that* child. I wanted the one that was due in October and then I wanted the one that was due in February. I don't want *ANOTHER*. I want those. And I cannot have them, so now I flail about thinking "I must be pregnant again immediately" and "I don't know if I can ever do this again."


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## Minarai (Jul 26, 2009)

This makes me wonder...
StarMama, have you looked into the possibility that you might have an underlying medical condition that may have caused the deaths of your children?
(Sorry if this offends you; losing a loved one is tough, especially if it's your child.)


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

The numerous doctors and nurse midwives agree that this is just a "normal" miscarriage, you know that 25% of losses before 12 weeks. I did save the gestational sac and the other large piece of tissue for them to look over, and I have spoken to the perinatologist about other possiblities, so I'm pretty sure this is just crappy luck.









JayJay, its so hard to think the universe will actually give me anything beautiful at this point. I mean I plod through each day with that thought "things will get better. times will be better. the universe is balance and all this sorrow will be balanced by joy." ...but I have to say its just words to me right now. I don't have any *faith* that things will get better, yk? But I continue on. What else is there to do? I have a beautiful, loving, wonderful son here on earth with me, and I will continue on for him.

And yes. I want *my* babies back. I want Fiona. I want Skyler. My MIL always says "You will hold them forever in heaven". Well I want them RIGHT NOW.


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## kerrybennysmama (Jun 15, 2004)

Lisa,
I am so sorry for your losses. I just had my 4th loss in 4 years and this one was at 15 weeks. I felt so broken and hurt and still do. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and the sun is coming in with the sound of birds I wonder how the day can sound so promising when inside I feel so lost. I know your are hurting and "bad luck" or not it isnt fair. You deserved to have things work out and it just doesnt seem fair that this would happen. I wish you peace during this trying time.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

serenity and comfort to you and your family on the loss of little Skyler


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Quote:

JayJay, its so hard to think the universe will actually give me anything beautiful at this point. I mean I plod through each day with that thought "things will get better. times will be better. the universe is balance and all this sorrow will be balanced by joy." ...but I have to say its just words to me right now. I don't have any *faith* that things will get better, yk? But I continue on. What else is there to do? I have a beautiful, loving, wonderful son here on earth with me, and I will continue on for him.
I know mama. You're not going to feel that right now - but you will again - I know it! You'll have joy again.

*HUGE hugs* XXXXX


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## polishprinsezz (Dec 31, 2006)

i am sorry for your loss. it is so strange some of the coincendences here though. my name is lisa too. i miscarried 11 years ago and i was going to name her fiona. i also love the name orion. may your heart heal with time.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Skylar

Lisa - I'm so sorry. I know its not that much help. I think you should be angry and offended by the universe. I'm angry for you. Mama's after a full term loss should not have to deal with another loss. Yet, unfortunately, it is common. Many of my lost baby mama friends have had m/c's in the attempt after the full term loss. I don't know why...it just sucks. You will need to grieve Skylar as you are grieving Fiona....maybe it won't be as long but you will grieve. I had a 12 wk m/c and I grieved intensely for about 2 months as opposed to about 18 months with Norah. (((HUGS))) It will get better.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I've been thinking about you while you were on vacation. My heart is broken for you. Take care of yourself!


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

Mama I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss... I am sending you love and light to wrap yourself up in.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *MFuglei* 
I feel this way. Absolutely. Because I don't want *another* child. I want *that* child. I wanted the one that was due in October and then I wanted the one that was due in February. I don't want *ANOTHER*. I want those. And I cannot have them, so now I flail about thinking "I must be pregnant again immediately" and "I don't know if I can ever do this again."

I couldn't put how I feel for myself into words but yes this, exactly this.


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