# sex education for our 5 year old



## zenfulmama (Oct 17, 2004)

i have read different research and some suggest giving full on sex ed to 5 year olds. i.e. the penis fills up w/blood, inserts to vagina, etc. studies say that this helps with all kinds of issues such as preventing abuse, molestion, promiscuity later, etc. I want to hear from mamas who are/have sex educated their children, the best resources, and experiences. i want to do this right. i am a survivor of sexual abuse and this is a very sensitive subject for me. but i need to face it head on. i would love to hear all about your experiences, thoughts, research, etc.

we are also facing some issues with sex play/exploration that has brought this up, and i'm thankful now, as it has been a catalyst to face something that i need to face--see my post under personal growth, if you care to chime in on that, too, i would appreciate it.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

I would be very careful about phrasing. "penis fills up with blood," for example, sounds very scary to a five-year-old!

My daughter's five, and we have done some basic "mechanics of sex" explanation. Women have eggs, men have sperm, you need one of each to make a baby, the baby grows in the uterus, when the couple makes a baby they hug and kiss and then the man's penis goes inside the woman's vagina and sperm come out, etc. That level of detail. Mostly she was only interested in the fetus and how it grew and where it came out, I think because it seemed to relate to her -- she was born a few years ago and had grown in me, some day her babies will grow in her uterus. The actual sex, she was all "uh-huh, can I see the baby in the mommy's tummy page again?" We've also had lots of "the private parts of your body belong to you, and no one else should be touching them without your permission, ever," but I did that separately from the sex stuff because I didn't want her to think of sex primarily in terms of being hurt or victimized or scared.

We used the book "It's So Amazing," and that seemed to do the job just fine. It has accurate cartoon pictures of naked people, developing fetuses, etc. (not intercourse, though, if I remember correctly).

I think it's great to talk about this stuff early, in very general terms at least -- not just to prevent abuse, but because sex is a huge and good part of life, and I'd rather they have accurate not-scary information about it before they start hearing weird versions from other kids, or drawing their own conclusions from magazine covers or something. It sounds like this is painful for you because of your own history, so it's great that you're tackling it anyway!


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

We had that "talk' when they were about 10yrs old and had family life class in school ( 5th grade). My boys would have no concept of sex at 5yrs old. I think my oldest did ask about 7 how babies got in mommys belly. I told him they grew from an egg. He was happy with that. Both of the older ones did question erections and I explained that the penis did that when it was full ( they assumed it was with pee!)


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## Proudmom (May 8, 2003)

I am curious to read more comments on this. We are open with all topics in our household. My son knows about egg, sperm, birth, etc(we have several Usborne body books). He doesn't know the logistics of sex as he hasn't asked the how yet.

The issue I am having is a LOT of exploration. I am having some trouble handling it effectively. Any suggestions on that as well.

PM


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Exploration, as in masturbation? Or in fooling around with playmates?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Dittoing the suggestion for "It's So Amazing". There is a book that comes before it called: "It's Not the Stork" http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-...9926462&sr=8-3
That would be a very good place to start. I'm a fan of having books especially if you are uncomfortable it gives you both a neutral place to focus and you don't have to search for words.


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## Proudmom (May 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Exploration, as in masturbation? Or in fooling around with playmates?

the latter.


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

i think sex talk starts early and just goes from name of parts and slowly goes in to more and more details .... me i never use the words "private parts" i use their names and say that no one should be touching them nore should you be touching someones elses (i too lived threw being molested 2 differnt people so i am very blunt with her i dont want her to hold it inside as i did) my dd knows she is free to touch them when she is alone(where ever that may be) she knows about bad people that do bad things she know it all from kidnapping to killing sorry i dont sugar coat the world to my kids, she also knows everything about babys thanks to being pg with my ds







boy parts (including cut and whole), girl parts, about making a baby, about love and little about sex, menstration,


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

my ds is 5 and has known about sex for about a year. He was asking a ton ton of questions, so I bought the book Its So Amazing and we read it together. I kept giving him minimal answers and he was thirsty for more, so I told him everything. I havent had any questions since we read the book and the book has been left in his room for perusing any time he feels like it.

As far as exploration we have always been ok with him touching his penis and pulling or what have you when he is naked. Now that he is almost six he doesnt tend to hang around naked for long anymore, so that isnt an issue. When he has jammies on and no underpants though, he will put his hands in there and play with it... Im so used to seeing him do that, it doesnt really phase me. It is usually mindless too, like he is watching tv or when Im reading or something... sometimes when he is supposed to be reading to me I will ask him to stop so that he can concentrate....lol...

Whatever your issues are, you need to just try not to create a problem of ickiness with your child. As they get older you can explain that its not polite to play with your penis in front of company and other people and while its an ok thing to do, he needs to do it in the bathroom or in his room... you can explain that his penis is for him to touch only (we have done this with our ds). It is his special part of his body that nobody else should touch except for him. I think that this should cover exploration of himself and playmates, I would use this as an opening about not touching other childrens genitals and nobody touching his.


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## Proudmom (May 8, 2003)

We have always used the correct terms for the body. We have lots of books around the house, and we read them whenever the interest rises. We have even looked at medical illustrations of body parts to allow the curiousity to be satisfied.

My ds still finds an interest in his playmates and sometimes younger sister. He has been told no one can touch his body without permission and vice versa. However, I think I should have just said that we don't touch other people's genitalia. His friends eagerly give permission. So, I am stumped.

PM


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proudmom* 
My ds still finds an interest in his playmates and sometimes younger sister. He has been told no one can touch his body without permission and vice versa. However, I think I should have just said that we don't touch other people's genitalia. His friends eagerly give permission. So, I am stumped.

PM

Perhaps it's time for another talk. As well as not leaving ds unsupervised with other kids.


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## KariAnn (Mar 15, 2006)

Subbing, as I have been giving heavy thought on how to discuss this with my 5 yo dd.


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

Ditto the "It's not the Stork" suggestions. It's age-appropriate and yet very in-depth. I enjoyed reading it with my 5 yr old and it answered the questions she had in a much more eloquent way than I would have been able to muster.


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

Another "It's Not The Stork" ditto here.

Being pregnant with my 3rd has abviously raised a lot of questions about babies and where they come from at our house. "It's Not The Stork" explains the biology and mechanics of conception and fetal growth way more clearly than I ever could.


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## heket (Nov 18, 2003)

Can I share a blurb about Robbie Harris and why her books are so important for a moment?

I was in Library School in 1997 deciding whether or not I wanted to go into Children's Librarianship. I had an awesome mentor/ professor who had been a former head of children's for a very large city library system. She related this story to her classes:

I believe my prof learned this at a conference from another librarian. Forgive me for not having the original source now -- it's been almost 10 years...

Anyway, the anecdotal story goes that a girl's mother was worried about the new behaviors her daughter was having. The mother thought that the daughter had experimented sexually with a playmate (we're talking like a 8-10 yo.) So, the mother decides to have a sex ed discussion with the daughter and uses _It's Perfectly Normal_. Well, that book has a chapter on molestation. When they reach that chapter, once the mom is done the daughter says, "That's what happened to me." The mom is shocked (needless to say) and responds, "Can you tell me about it?" The daughter is somewhat reluctant and says, "Daddy told me not to tell you, but he did that to me."

Okay, I'll give critics the benefit of the doubt that this might have never happened, but given this woman (my prof) was a huge advocate for children, I honestly doubt it. If I can remember correctly, she had learned of it from a professional conference. It was told to us during a discussion on Banned Books (which it is one of.) It seems this book was used during the case against this little girl's father. The theme was, "had this book not existed, would the girl's mother know of the molestation?"

That aside, I think Robbie Harris is a great contemporary author to use when discussing this kind of topic with children.

More on topic, and this is an older title but still of good use, many parents still opt for Where Did I Come From?


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## orangeiron (Oct 21, 2004)

when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use? penis is easy, but for a girl? the vagina isn't the part you see, it's inside. do you use labia? i always hesitate on this one because i want to use the correct terms, but i don't want to get complicated. dd is 4 and we have ended up saying peepee for both male and female parts, which i don't like, but it's what she seemed most comfortable with and settled on.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *orangeiron* 
when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use? penis is easy, but for a girl? the vagina isn't the part you see, it's inside. do you use labia? i always hesitate on this one because i want to use the correct terms, but i don't want to get complicated. dd is 4 and we have ended up saying peepee for both male and female parts, which i don't like, but it's what she seemed most comfortable with and settled on.

Vulva.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I use vulva as well.

My daughter is 3, and I recently gave her a mirror and told her what all the parts are exactly, but we use vulva generally.


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *orangeiron* 
when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use?

We tell the boys that boys/men have a penis and testicles, girls/women have a vulva and vagina. That way the important and obvious parts are made clear for both genders.


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## momma of monkeys (Aug 10, 2006)

:


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## zenfulmama (Oct 17, 2004)

hello and thanks to all, i've ordered four books from amazon including it's so amazing, it's not the stork, your body belongs to you, and the right touch-a read aloud...i feel so empowered now to educate my boys about sex, and molestation before others do/try to give them tools for their own selves. and am also ready to move into my healing space to completely heal from what happened to me when i was four. thanks again for all the support.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

I'm sorry if I am joining the thread late but I still have questions... Bear with me... My dd1 had the "talk" a little while ago and we've explained it fully... However there are still two things...
1) much as I try, I cannot bring myself to say the "right words" to them. OK, flame me... I know this is bad...







: The right words were not spoken to me by my parents and I feel soo weird saying them to the kids...I would end up blushing... same for DH... how do we learn to do better? I have read "Protecting the gift" and I understand why I should speak clearly, but one thing is knowing and another putting into practice...
2) DD1 asks repeatedly why we do not want to let her see how the "act" happens... at times, she remains silent in her room and pretends to sleep (although I have my ways to know whether she is sleeping or not) because she is convinced (rightly so) that the act happens after she is asleep... I have tried to explain that this is private, and she will learn when it is her time but she seems unconvinced... It seems to her we just want to exclude her because we are mean (that's what she says!)


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## zenfulmama (Oct 17, 2004)

i have read from other moms that when they are at a loss for words, books fit the bill so nicely...also nature videos of other mammals --david attenboroughs courtship and mating from trials of life is most likely available at your library, that might be helpful in coordination with illustrated sex ed books. this might quell her curiosity to see real illustrations and animals in action.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

I agree that books and animal videos might help. But also, I would spell out that sex is private and for grown-ups only. It's not for children because they are not ready -- just like they aren't ready to drive a car or drink alcohol or a bunch of other interesting stuff.


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gaialice* 
I'm sorry if I am joining the thread late but I still have questions... Bear with me... My dd1 had the "talk" a little while ago and we've explained it fully... However there are still two things...
1) much as I try, I cannot bring myself to say the "right words" to them. OK, flame me... I know this is bad...







: The right words were not spoken to me by my parents and I feel soo weird saying them to the kids...I would end up blushing... same for DH... how do we learn to do better? I have read "Protecting the gift" and I understand why I should speak clearly, but one thing is knowing and another putting into practice...
2) DD1 asks repeatedly why we do not want to let her see how the "act" happens... at times, she remains silent in her room and pretends to sleep (although I have my ways to know whether she is sleeping or not) because she is convinced (rightly so) that the act happens after she is asleep... I have tried to explain that this is private, and she will learn when it is her time but she seems unconvinced... It seems to her we just want to exclude her because we are mean (that's what she says!)


at the ages your dc are they wouldnt realy notice it i dont think and by the time they get older you will feel more comfortable talking to them about it just keep on telling yourself that you will be doing the best thing for your child and you will not be sending them out in to the world not knowing about sex as you were (all we can do is try to change things that our parents did keep the good and try to improve on points) good luck


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Thank you all for your very reassuring words...and for not flaming me. Yes, I think I will grow more comfortable when they are a bit older... We did look at a book when we had this long talk -- it just did not help me that we speak Italian (we are an Italian family) and we had borrowed the book from the local library (we live in the French part of Switzerland, so the book was in French). We mostly used the pictures... I need to find a good Italian book... and yeah, we did see some videos on the animal channel too...
Thalia, the comparison with the wine and the driving is a good one, really! I will see if that finally convinces DD1 ...


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## Terabith (Mar 10, 2006)

I recently decided that this was a topic I should bring up. My dd hadn't asked, but she is not a big question asker, and just as I bring up stuff about plants, animals, the solar system, fire fighters, etc, I should bring up basic sex ed. I looked for It's Not the Stork at the library, but they didn't have it, so I got How Babies Are Made, which we also liked. And we looked at the pictures in A Child Is Born. I explained to my 2 and 3 yr olds that girls have eggs (but not with shells like a chicken), and when boys grow up, they make sperm, and babies are made when a mommy and daddy who are grown up and married. The daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina and the sperm comes out of the Daddy's penis and swims to the Mommy's egg, and a baby grows in the uterus. I explained about the umbilical cord and how the baby comes out when it is ready because the uterus squeezes it out. Anna was quite taken by the idea of herself having eggs and growing in my uterus. She liked the umbilical cord/ belly button connection. And she said that it must hurt a lot when the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gaialice* 
much as I try, I cannot bring myself to say the "right words" to them. ... how do we learn to do better?

I think this is one of those things you just have to DO. The more you do it, the easier it will be. And think what a gift it will be to your children that they will grow up being comfortable with those words, and won't have to struggle when they talk to their own children!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *orangeiron* 
when you all say you use the corrct terms for the body parts what exactly do you use? penis is easy, but for a girl? the vagina isn't the part you see, it's inside. do you use labia?

I say that I (and other women) have a vulva _and_ a vagina. I'm clear that the vulva is the outside part and the vagina is the inside part (we also sometimes talk about the uterus). If speaking about one particular part, I use whichever is applicable. But for talking about women's/girls' anatomy in general, I use both terms. When speaking generally about men/boys, I say that they have a penis and a scrotum.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
Dittoing the suggestion for "It's So Amazing". There is a book that comes before it called: "It's Not the Stork" http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-...9926462&sr=8-3
That would be a very good place to start. I'm a fan of having books especially if you are uncomfortable it gives you both a neutral place to focus and you don't have to search for words.

And another ditto. These are truly great books. There's a third, "It's Perfectly Normal" for older kids that's also top notch.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:

1) much as I try, I cannot bring myself to say the "right words" to them. OK, flame me... I know this is bad... The right words were not spoken to me by my parents and I feel soo weird saying them to the kids...I would end up blushing... same for DH... how do we learn to do better? I have read "Protecting the gift" and I understand why I should speak clearly, but one thing is knowing and another putting into practice...
Practice. Use the right words to a stuffed animal for a while if you have to, until the words come out of your mouth without choking you. It's perfectly OK if you blush a few times.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Wondering why no one has picked up on this. Your 5 year-old son has been regularly playing sexually with other children? I would look at that and kind of take THAT head on, not assume that means he's ready to learn about sex. I would also want to make sure the other children were safe and that their parents knew about it and would be focusing on how to make sure it never happened again.


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## AnaMom (Nov 17, 2004)

This is a good thread. I have a 3.5 year old and twin boys on the way. DD knows that babies grow from eggs inside the mommy but we haven't talked much about sperm (and she hasn't asked), except for once when we saw pictures of sperm and egg in a book.

On the subject of terminology, We've so far been using just vagina and penis, but I see others use vulva and scrotum as well. I've gotten used to vagina and penis, but its vulva and scrotum that I think I would have a harder time using. So maybe I (and certainly DH) need to practice those words. But can others just reinforce for me the importance of separating out those parts and naming them? I guess its obvious, because that is what they are called and they have names, so why not use them just as we would in any other case. And also because if something ever happened, I'd want kids to know how to describe it accurately. I feel I need a nudge, though, in terms of expanding our vocabulary beyond just penis and vagina.

I was also molested (but as a teen) so I feel very strongly about preventing that for my kids (not that any parent, whether or not they'd been molested, wouldn't want the same). Is there a book for parents that helps teach us about importance of frank and age appropriate discussion, and also talks about how/when to do it?


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

DC is 6 and we're reading "It's so Amazing" right now. I was a bit uncomfortable reading about the penis for some reason (don't know why??) but got through it fine and are now on pregnancy. DC is really enjoying it as am I. I'll admit as well that I was kind of worried about her going to pre-K talking about erections and ejaculations and all that. I know it's "normal" and positive for her to know about but still...

So far, nothing has come up at school and DC is treating this just like learnign about all other things.

I'll also say that the book seems pretty inclusive (they use lots of "many") words and also discuss ****/heterosexuality and alternative ways to get pregnant and things to do once pregnant.

Good book!


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## Terabith (Mar 10, 2006)

Am I the only one who just doesn't like the word vulva?







: I mean, I know it's the most general and accurate term, but it just sounds too much like volvo or something.







I use vagina, but I feel guilty because I know it isn't technically correct, but I can't bring myself to use the term vulva frequently. I have mentioned clitoris (because of my 2 yr old's continual obsession with it as various vegetables but most consistently brocolli







).


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AnaMom* 
Is there a book for parents that helps teach us about importance of frank and age appropriate discussion, and also talks about how/when to do it?

Gavin deBecker's "Protecting the Gift" - hands down the best best best one I've read. Every parent, even every person should read this book.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

You should discuss this with your child according to their age. I wouldn't talk about the penis in the way you described to your 5 yr old, thats too young to be so explicit. There is a time and place for everything. A child this young isn't going to remember a lot of it anyway.







You will find yourself repeating a lot of things over the years as they get older.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
Wondering why no one has picked up on this. Your 5 year-old son has been regularly playing sexually with other children? I would look at that and kind of take THAT head on, not assume that means he's ready to learn about sex. I would also want to make sure the other children were safe and that their parents knew about it and would be focusing on how to make sure it never happened again.

ITA.


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## TrippyLongstocking (Feb 27, 2007)

i have always told my son about sex very openly . he will be 7 soon.
he has been caught still though, with a cousin playing doctor.. but i guess I ocldnt stop that from happeneing unless i had those 2 on a leash!!!!They are all over the place. We now do not let them play alone together ever after that last incident...But i feel that by teaching my son about sex and using penis and vagina instead of winky and whatever







and by always letting him feel free to ask me something about sex.. I have started him on an honest journey though life...and im sure he woul dtell me if he saw anyone having sex or trying to do anything to him .. he told me once there was a guy in a truck having sex when we drove by...







when my mom drove by again to see..it was a guy and his girlfriend going at it







he was right!


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
You should discuss this with your child according to their age. I wouldn't talk about the penis in the way you described to your 5 yr old, thats too young to be so explicit. There is a time and place for everything. A child this young isn't going to remember a lot of it anyway.







You will find yourself repeating a lot of things over the years as they get older.

What I would say to this though is that we are reading "It's So Amazing" (like I said) and DC is ready for that kind of information. She even had a big "ah ha!" moment when they were describing menstruation. I hadn't realized that she was even confused about menstruation until we read that part. I imagine that is the way it is for many children.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Parents, especially those who aren't comfortable, may find it helpful to read a book geared toward parents. These are both good:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Sensibilit...855761-7547658

http://www.amazon.com/Diapers-Dating...855761-7547658


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
Wondering why no one has picked up on this. Your 5 year-old son has been regularly playing sexually with other children? I would look at that and kind of take THAT head on, not assume that means he's ready to learn about sex. I would also want to make sure the other children were safe and that their parents knew about it and would be focusing on how to make sure it never happened again.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
ITA.

I'm not sure what the bruhaha is here. He's 5. Children experiment with sex play.









I missing the big deal. Though we've been very open about the boys WRT sex.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pynki* 
I'm not sure what the bruhaha is here. He's 5. Children experiment with sex play.









I missing the big deal. Though we've been very open about the boys WRT sex.

I do not have any information at this point to change my mind that my primary focus would be on making sure the child knows that it's ok to touch his own parts but NOT those of other people. I do NOT think it's okay for 5 year-old boys to be continually engaging in sex play with other children. 5 year-olds are not capable of consenting to sex, no matter who is doing the touching!! I also absolutely stand firm that the parents of the other children should know about it.

If I came here and posted "my 5 year-old dd was touched sexually by another 5 year-old boy







: and is really freaked about it" would you still be saying, oh, poo poo, it's just normal, _it's what 5 year-old boys do_, tell her to chill out... Sorry, but not knowing right now who the other kids are and whether or not their parents know about it makes me put my PRIMARY focus on dealing with the situation at hand, not finding cute books about sex to read to him and having more discussions over whether to call it a yoni or a vulva or a vagina.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I just found this thread by searching on "playing doctor" because my 5 yo told me that she and my 3yo were going to play up in their room (we have a playroom, and the bedroom is for sleeping only). I wanted to respect their wish for "private time" but with the door open. I wanted to give 5yo the benefit of the doubt (like, there was a SLIM possibility she was going to read to the 3yo). But what I heard was, "you have to push on my bum to get the baby out - you're the doctor." To my relief the 3yo was being her 3yo self and not participating, but I truly do not know how to handle this. I really don't think sex play is appropriate.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
I do not have any information at this point to change my mind that my primary focus would be on making sure the child knows that it's ok to touch his own parts but NOT those of other people.

That is not the focus here because there is another thread about this regarding that issue. In the OP we were invited to discuss that in Personal Growth. ZM is dealing with that issue.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
I do not have any information at this point to change my mind that my primary focus would be on making sure the child knows that it's ok to touch his own parts but NOT those of other people. I do NOT think it's okay for 5 year-old boys to be continually engaging in sex play with other children. 5 year-olds are not capable of consenting to sex, no matter who is doing the touching!! I also absolutely stand firm that the parents of the other children should know about it.

If I came here and posted "my 5 year-old dd was touched sexually by another 5 year-old boy







: and is really freaked about it" would you still be saying, oh, poo poo, it's just normal, _it's what 5 year-old boys do_, tell her to chill out... Sorry, but not knowing right now who the other kids are and whether or not their parents know about it makes me put my PRIMARY focus on dealing with the situation at hand, not finding cute books about sex to read to him and having more discussions over whether to call it a yoni or a vulva or a vagina.









Just so you realize that I didn't say:

Quote:

it's what 5 year-old boys do
I said:

Quote:

Children experiment with sex play.
And they do. I did, and I can assure that I am infact a female, and always have been.

You will also notice that I didn't say that it should be encouraged. I didn't. We tell our boys their parts are theirs, and they don't touch other peoples, and other people shouldn't touch theirs.

When we run across "inappropriate" behavior we remind them of this. In truth though experimenting with their bodies, and exploring the differences in other childrens bodies from their own isn't in anyway a sign that these children, and specifically this boy, is some future -or cuurrent- sexual assaulter just LOOKING for his next victim.

You remind them it isn't appropriate play and you move on. Reading books that are age appropriate can, will, and does help numerous children "get" what bodies are for, and what their various parts do.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Here you go...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zenfulmama* 
we are also facing some issues with sex play/exploration that has brought this up, and i'm thankful now, as it has been a catalyst to face something that i need to face--see my post under personal growth, if you care to chime in on that, too, i would appreciate it.


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## ktbug (Jul 8, 2006)

I just wanted to add something here. Yes, children do engage in sex play. I suppose it's normal curiosity, but I don't know if it's something we should encourage. When I was about 3 and my boy cousin was about 4 or 5, his mom gave him one of those books, and he read it with great interest. In fact, he took such an interest in it that he decided he was going to act it out. With me. It made me feel weird, even at 3. Except it didn't stop at 3 ... it went on. For a long, long time. Sometimes his friends got to play, too. I didn't feel like I could say no because he was my older cousin, my best friend, closest playmate. I really think that him being exposed to those books at that age contributed to what happened to me. You may disagree, and certainly the books didn't spur him on to keep doing it when he was 12, but I really don't think it would have started if it hadn't been for those books. (And some lax parental supervision.) I realize that most people's mileage may vary on this. But I think the pictures and the words together almost add up to an instruction manual of sorts, and it might be better just to talk to the kid rather than give him a step-by-step how-to guide. That's just me.

Oh and to the PP whose child is engaging in sex play with the neighbors? Yeah, maybe they shouldn't play together for a little while. All I know is that I sure wish my mom or my cousin's mom would have come to check on us. I'm not accusing anyone of being careless, I'm just saying that from my POV I didn't find it very much fun to be the object of sex play at that age (or at any age, honestly).


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Ktbug

I think it really depends on the kid. Yes, I imagine that for most kids knowledge of animal reproduction makes them more curious. For some kids, this might mean that they begin sexual experimentation. For others, I think knowledge and an open avenue for discussion may have the opposite impact (there was a story on one of these threads about a situation like that).

I know that when discussing menstruation with DC for the first time I was warned about young girls putting things or even tampons in their vaginas. (I use a diva cup so a tampon isn't much of a worry here) After reading this book I got for DC I think that problem is solved. One of the things it goes over very, very well and thoroughly is that most sexual and reproductive things begin for people after puberty. Does this mean that I'm going to ignore signs that she may interested in putting things in her vagina?? No!

As far as a book prompting some sexual experimentation with peers that may well be. Book or no book, parents need to have a way to discuss exploration with kids and have good supervision. What happened to you should not have happened. I do wonder though if that child didn't become curious and then his mom got him that book. That seems much more likely. Does not excuse not supervising AT ALL but I imagine that most people begin discussing sex when an interest in the child comes up rather than the other way around. If the OP had asked, my 5 year old isn't interested in reproduction AT ALL (he's into trains!!) but I want to get him a detailed book on sex anyway - can you recommend something? I think many of us would have offered suggestions and recommended that she wait for an interest before reading that book, yk?

In the book I'm reading to DC, they discuss how questions about sex can sometimes be embarrassing or difficult to ask but reading this book together is letting her know that it's always okay to talk to me about it.

For the record, I have always been very open to DC about sex, nudity, reproduction, menstruation and all that good stuff. She is nearly 6 and has not shown any signs of experimentation. We're reading one of these books now and I'll be sure to let you know if it prompts any experimentation. So far, she seems to be reacting similarly to any other science/biology type knowledge.

ETA:

I also wanted to say that my DC asked about sex on her own. She's really curious about animals and babies - we have silk worms now. Wow! That's cool. One day she began asking about human reproduction. We went over the things she already knew and then she asked specifically HOW the sperm got to the egg.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I am pregnant and my 4 year old is for sure going to start asking. We have the book "From Birth to Conception" and he asks me "How does the daddys sperm get to the mommys egg?" I told him "Sex" thank God he didnt ask me what that is yet because I havent figured out how to word it. I hope he asks me rather than dad though because dad isnt so comfprtable with this stuff. I am thinking "Sex is something that mommy and daddy do to show they love eachother." "The daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina when they hug in private" ??? I am a first timer....does that sound totally rediculous????

Some feedback would be awesome!

Jenny

PS-I am thinking that the reason we sometimes tend to feel a little uncomfortable about sex talk is becase they are still just babies to us and for me, I think how could a young child be a sexual being. I would be much more comfy talking to a pre-adolecent about it.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Well, you're not giving him instructions so he can go out and do it -- you're explaining a big part of how the world works. Just like we teach kids how fish breathe, but we don't expect them to run out and grow gills or anything.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

JL, that's exactly where we were. I kind of freaked when we got to sex and went on about IVF, homosexuals, infertility and all that. It put DC off the trail until I could figure something out.







Reading a well written book on the subject has been such a relief!

They do such a good job of discussing the things we probably wouldn't even think of. Some of the most important things were puberty and reproductive choice. Although, I do think some of the information would be unnecessary at that age, I think it's difficult to determine where one child's brain may go so it's nice to just cover the whole thing.

I do think there are some kids that won't deal well with that much detail but that's something only the parents can know. I think it would become really obvious while reading that maybe a more vague discussion is in order.

I'm sure it's like a lot of things. Where does meat come from? Why is that person sleeping on the street? All of these questions may lead to a child ready for some in-depth information - others not.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pynki* 
You will also notice that I didn't say that it should be encouraged. I didn't. We tell our boys their parts are theirs, and they don't touch other peoples, and other people shouldn't touch theirs.

When we run across "inappropriate" behavior we remind them of this.

Well, I actually think your post was extremely dismissive of this being a big deal. In fact, what you wrote was:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pynki*
I'm not sure what the bruhaha is here.







He's 5. Children experiment with sex play.

in direct response to my post that this is very concerning behavior that should be stopped immediately. Referring to it as bruhaha, the shrug smiley, and the dismissive "kids will be kids" statement completely makes it look very much like you think this is not a big deal.

IDM, I did not see the OP's mention of the other post, but am very glad to read that she clearly sees this as inappropriate. Thank you for posting that. I've definitely read a lot of "kids will be kids" and this is totally normal, which not only do I very strongly disagree with but I think that attitude actually promotes sexual abuse of children. There, I said it. Letting little boys (and girls for that matter) think they can touch whomever they please without boundaries is NOT cool.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktbug* 
I just wanted to add something here. Yes, children do engage in sex play. I suppose it's normal curiosity, but I don't know if it's something we should encourage. When I was about 3 and my boy cousin was about 4 or 5, his mom gave him one of those books, and he read it with great interest. In fact, he took such an interest in it that he decided he was going to act it out. With me. It made me feel weird, even at 3. Except it didn't stop at 3 ... it went on. For a long, long time. Sometimes his friends got to play, too. I didn't feel like I could say no because he was my older cousin, my best friend, closest playmate.

Thank you for having the courage to write that.







This is exactly what I was referring to above, and precisely why I think it's preposterous and downright dangerous to take such a laissez-faire attitude to childhood sex play.

AND why I said the other children's parents should be notified IMMEDIATELY. Who knows how the other kids feel, kwim???

I will say it again.... CHILDREN ARE NOT CAPABLE OF CONSENTING TO SEX regardless of who's doing the touching!! Sexual abuse isn't just about dirty old men and little boys and girls... children on children sexual abuse should be taken just as seriously because many times there IS an imbalance of power and the same feelings of shame.







:


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

The other thread goes into this much more and I said my stuff there, but I'll repeat myself here -- I totally agree that sex play, although very often normal and not necessarily meaning anything bad about the children involved, isn't OK and shouldn't be condoned by the adults. And if a child is being touched against his will, his parents really need to intervene to protect him.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom22girls* 
I just found this thread by searching on "playing doctor" because my 5 yo told me that she and my 3yo were going to play up in their room (we have a playroom, and the bedroom is for sleeping only). I wanted to respect their wish for "private time" but with the door open. I wanted to give 5yo the benefit of the doubt (like, there was a SLIM possibility she was going to read to the 3yo). But what I heard was, "you have to push on my bum to get the baby out - you're the doctor." To my relief the 3yo was being her 3yo self and not participating, but I truly do not know how to handle this. I really don't think sex play is appropriate.

Personally, I would tell the 5 y.o. who is capable of understanding about rules to stop. I would say our bodies are for ourselves - you can touch your own body, but you cannot touch other people's ____ (whatever you call them, private parts, vaginas and penises, whatever). And if she wants to play doctor, to come find you and you will let her play with a doll or with you (with boundaries obviously).


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
I've definitely read a lot of "kids will be kids" and this is totally normal, which not only do I very strongly disagree with but I think that attitude actually promotes sexual abuse of children. There, I said it. Letting little boys (and girls for that matter) think they can touch whomever they please without boundaries is NOT cool.

You're talking about a lot VERY different things here though. There is A LOT in between believing and acknowledging that it is normal for kids to be curious about with their bodies, sexuality, and issues of reproduction and letting children touch whomever they please.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
Personally, I would tell the 5 y.o. who is capable of understanding about rules to stop. I would say our bodies are for ourselves - you can touch your own body, but you cannot touch other people's ____ (whatever you call them, private parts, vaginas and penises, whatever). And if she wants to play doctor, to come find you and you will let her play with a doll or with you (with boundaries obviously).

Thank you for this!!! I really needed some guidance on this issue. Like another poster said, I do feel like she is still a baby, and I too, would be a lot more comfortable talking to a pre-adolescent about this. At the same time, it's time to get my head out of the sand







(or other dark places!) and talk to her (or be prepared to) talk to her about the facts of life.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

*Just wanted to jump in here real fast with my own account of molestation.

There is a type of molestation called peer molestation, and
my parents didnt know but almost every time i went to visit a friend them and their friends would do that to eachother and me. It really affected me even now because it went on so long. We were all very well educated on sex, i believe perhaps too much? The "fooling around" didnt start until after sex education classes for me, not that there is necessarily a connection.

I will say that i never acted out sexually until i was sexually tampered with.
I dont know that i believe children to be sexual beings-at least i myself did not display any kind of sexual behavior until it was kinda thrust upon me.
So...i dunno, you gotta be really careful . My daughter hasnt displayed much in the way of being "sexually curious" , and i will be very nervous about her visiting anyone not in my prescence. Peer molestation is so common and widespread. And it does affect many children negatively.

I just wanted to put my .o2$ out there.*


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

*Oh and fyi, im not against sexual education but i do think people need to be careful how it is discussed and be very careful with children
being alone behind closed doors. You never know what has happened to another child or what they might be doing.*


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## MamaZuzi (Mar 31, 2007)

What I have read recently is that if it is same approx. age exploration and mutually agreeable to the other children and time-limited (in other words not all the time), it is most likely just normal exploration. If the ages are not similar or one or the other child is uncomfortable or it won't stop with some answers and redirection, then you might want to check in with a professional for suggestions or to be sure everything is alright.


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## oneotamama (Apr 23, 2004)

subbing


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## waiting4it2snow (Apr 3, 2005)

Quote:

What I have read recently is that if it is same approx. age exploration and mutually agreeable to the other children and time-limited (in other words not all the time), it is most likely just normal exploration.
I think that we need to be very precise in our terminology here. My children fight. They get annoyed/aggravated and act out. They will hit each other and shove. This is *normal* childhood behavior. But it is not behavior I ignore and fail to comment on. I take appropriate steps to stop this behavior. I intervene and teach them better ways to deal with their anger and with each other. They don't learn this lesson once and for all and never fight again, because they are kids, but I don't dismiss it.

Perhaps same-age sexual exploration is normal, but it's not something I would ignore/dismiss either. Children can be and should be taught boundries regarding sexuality.

When my son wanted to understand the mechanics of sex, I read a book with him about it ("Where did I come from?"). But before I opened the book, I said to him something along the lines of: Some of your friends may not know what sex is yet. It can be an uncomfortable topic for some parents so they aren't sure how to talk about it with their kids, or they could be waiting until their kids get older. This is a topic you can always talk about with me or dad, but I don't want you to talk to other kids about it because you don't know how their families handle this information. It's their choice to do things their way. You also need to know that your body is your own. No one has the right to touch your private areas or do anything to your body that hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable. You also do not have the right to touch anyone else or make them uncomfortable. Our bodies belong to ourselves.

I think this is a important aspect of "sex ed" - it is, afterall, the main part of sex, the loving touches that occur between two people _consentually._

They may not want to accept boundries, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. My kids don't want to accept "no more juice, it's time for water" or "two pieces of candy" or "finish your vegetables" or "time for bed" or "it's time to leave" but that doesn't mean I let them eat, drink, and sleep whenever they feel like it, and refuse to leave my friends' homes because they don't want to go. Children need guidance, and especially on such an issue as sexuality, which can have such long-term consequences in our lives.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

: Great post, Molly.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
Well, I actually think your post was extremely dismissive of this being a big deal. In fact, what you wrote was:

in direct response to my post that this is very concerning behavior that should be stopped immediately. Referring to it as bruhaha, the shrug smiley, and the dismissive "kids will be kids" statement completely makes it look very much like you think this is not a big deal.

IDM, I did not see the OP's mention of the other post, but am very glad to read that she clearly sees this as inappropriate. Thank you for posting that. I've definitely read a lot of "kids will be kids" and this is totally normal, which not only do I very strongly disagree with but I think that attitude actually promotes sexual abuse of children. There, I said it. Letting little boys (and girls for that matter) think they can touch whomever they please without boundaries is NOT cool.

Well, in our world it isn't a big deal. Once again, it's not acceptable behavior and we point that out. We stop the behavior and we move on. My kids were showering with one of my friend's son once and they were commenting on penis size. Yep. Move on. Remind everyone we don't touch other people's penises. We move on. It's not a problem with the older boys. I've found it to be a phase in the 4 and younger set.

I wasn't being dismissive, I just don't think it requires the level of outrage that you are attaching to the behavior. Children do unacceptable things all the time. We remind them it's unacceptable behavior and we move on.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
The other thread goes into this much more and I said my stuff there, but I'll repeat myself here -- I totally agree that sex play, although very often normal and not necessarily meaning anything bad about the children involved, isn't OK and shouldn't be condoned by the adults. And if a child is being touched against his will, his parents really need to intervene to protect him.

I agree. It's normal. You address the behavior as unacceptable behavior and move on.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama* 
You're talking about a lot VERY different things here though. There is A LOT in between believing and acknowledging that it is normal for kids to be curious about with their bodies, sexuality, and issues of reproduction and letting children touch whomever they please.

I don't see anyone here condoning children willy-nilly touching other children's genitalia and not confronting that behavior. It appears I am being painted with that brush and it is NOT what I am saying.

I'm saying, once again, that it is normal childhood behavior. You confront it. You explain that it isn't ok to do, and you move forward. Perhaps it's because my kids are never playing at someone else's house without me being there, but I've never found that it needs to be addressed past, 'We don't touch other people's penises/butts' (there aren't a lot of girls in our group of friends so those are the only things that have come up.) And we move along with the play date.

No big deal.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

We were told the whole story when I was five and my sister was three.

I also call DD's vulva her vulva. I tell her that the pee comes out of her vagina, though. Not very often, just when I'm trying to create dialogue. "Oh, look, your peeing, just a little bit of pee from your little tiny vagina."

I hope that doesn't sound weird. I just do it to increase vocabulary and awareness in general. We don't say that in public.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

She doesn't really pee out of her vagina, though -- she pees out of her urethra. the bladder/urethra and uterus/vagina systems are next door to each other, but not connected.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I was afraid that the vagina didn't refer to both holes. Ack. I know it sounds ridiculous but I never paid attention to the diagrams and thought that the urethra was just the tunnel part. Well. Good thing I posted here because unfortunately, it's impossible to look these things up on the Internet without getting your eyes full of porn. Thanks.


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## UncommonKT (May 10, 2007)

I think at 5 years old, a lot do not comprehend what sex is in the first place. If they cannot read or write yet, they should not be learning about sex.


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## waiting4it2snow (Apr 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UncommonKT* 
I think at 5 years old, a lot do not comprehend what sex is in the first place. If they cannot read or write yet, they should not be learning about sex.

Wow, I don't mean to come off as argumentative here, but on what do you base this assumption, UncommonKT? I don't believe the two (reading readiness and sex ed) have any coorelation. Children walk, talk, wean, read, learn to ride bikes all at different ages. All children are individuals and ready for things in their own time... including sexual information.

My daughter, who cannot read and write yet, and is 5 years old, figured out enough from watching TV to start ask if people were "sexin.'" She also was asking a lot about what was appropriate and inappropriate, because I would explain that something was inappropriate sometimes when I changed the channel. I realized that I needed to explain exactly why I was saying something was inappropriate and really explain what sex was - normal and natural part of life and the reason she is expecting a new sibling.

No child deserves to be kept in the dark when they are asking for information about something that is natural and a part of life. Making it a taboo topic that you are unwilling or uncomfortable to talk about just sets them up to be potential victims, people who are afraid of their bodies, afraid to say no, afraid to talk to you about their questions, afraid to tell if someone is harming them.

It is a topic that needs to be handled thoughtfully; I do think there is a right way and a wrong to present the information, but there shouldn't be an arbitary "right" age and "wrong" age to talk about it. That really gives the (inaccurate) impression that there is something naughty about the whole thing. It just depends on the individual child.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pynki* 
I don't see anyone here condoning children willy-nilly touching other children's genitalia and not confronting that behavior.

Me either!! That was the point of my post.

UncommonKT,
As far as how or why a pre-literate 5 year old would want to know about sex - that seems just so totally obvious to me that I actually have a difficult time imagining it _not_ coming up. For my DC it can be as simple as talking about eggs over breakfast and the topic of reproduction begins.

And, while I acknowledge that for some kids graphic information may not be what's best for them and/or may even encourage experimentation, I think the opposite can be true for other kids. It seems entirely likely that some children who do not have access to information they're curious about will seek it out by way of exploration.

All that said, I am intrigued by the idea that no child can consent to sexual activity. I don't think it can ever be quite that black and white (for instance, is a kiss sexual activity?) but, for many encounters, I tend to agree.

Izobelle, that book "It's So Amazing" does a good job of explaining all the genitalia stuff.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting4it2snow* 
No child deserves to be kept in the dark when they are asking for information about something that is natural and a part of life. Making it a taboo topic that you are unwilling or uncomfortable to talk about just sets them up to be potential victims, people who are afraid of their bodies, afraid to say no, afraid to talk to you about their questions, afraid to tell if someone is harming them.

It is a topic that needs to be handled thoughtfully; I do think there is a right way and a wrong to present the information, but there shouldn't be an arbitary "right" age and "wrong" age to talk about it. That really gives the (inaccurate) impression that there is something naughty about the whole thing. It just depends on the individual child.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UncommonKT* 
I think at 5 years old, a lot do not comprehend what sex is in the first place. If they cannot read or write yet, they should not be learning about sex.

thats just a rediculous statement.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I think at 5 years old, a lot do not comprehend what sex is in the first place. If they cannot read or write yet, they should not be learning about sex.
And besides, what about adults that don't know how to read and write? There are millions in America, not to mention millions more in poor countries. Shall we keep sex secret from them until they get the chance to go to school?


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## soygurl (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *izobelle* 
I was afraid that the vagina didn't refer to both holes. Ack. I know it sounds ridiculous but I never paid attention to the diagrams and thought that the urethra was just the tunnel part. Well. Good thing I posted here because unfortunately, it's impossible to look these things up on the Internet without getting your eyes full of porn. Thanks.

Just a little FYI, wikipidea.org and the-clitoris.com (not porn!) are really good places to look up that kind of stuff.


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## towsonmama (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting4it2snow* 

It is a topic that needs to be handled thoughtfully; I do think there is a right way and a wrong to present the information, but there shouldn't be an arbitary "right" age and "wrong" age to talk about it. That really gives the (inaccurate) impression that there is something naughty about the whole thing. It just depends on the individual child.

ITA. Does anyone know if Stan and Jan Berenstain have tackled this topic? They've helped us with other complex issues: greed, peer pressure, moving, etc.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *towsonmama* 
ITA. Does anyone know if Stan and Jan Berenstain have tackled this topic? They've helped us with other complex issues: greed, peer pressure, moving, etc.

Hey, TM!!! Nice to _see_ you.

I don't think the Bearenstain Bears would help much with this because of the whole bear thing







But I agree that those books can be really helpuful. If I have room, I'll pack my copy of It's So Amazing for you to check out.

And, there's always this:

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm


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## towsonmama (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama* 

I don't think the Bearenstain Bears would help much with this because of the whole bear thing

















That could cause some real confusion, I guess!


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## spirit4ever (Nov 4, 2004)

:


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mirthfulmum* 
We tell the boys that boys/men have a penis and testicles, girls/women have a vulva and vagina. That way the important and obvious parts are made clear for both genders.

It's seems to me that the clitoris is a rather important part of the female anatomy that is being left out of many descriptions.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Yes!

I taught my daughter what all her parts are after she turned 3, and I made sure to tell her about her clitoris.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Yes!

I taught my daughter what all her parts are after she turned 3, and I made sure to tell her about her clitoris.

I've got to share this:

I'm pregnant so my 3 year old is of course very curious. She likes to look at my copy of Sheila Kissinger's Complete Pregnancy Book. What's one of her favorite pictures? The drawing on a woman's genitals. We talk about what all the parts are and what for. I have to admit I skipped the clitoris (maybe because nobody ever explained it to me?). She was checking herself out in the mirror one day and pointing out all of the parts to me. Then she pointed to her clitoris and asked about it. I named it. She asked "what's it for?" All I could think to say was "for feeling good." She smiled at me in a funny way and that was that.

I certainly feel that at the very least a 3 year old has the absolute right to know anything they want to about their own body and how it works. I'm still feeling my way through the opposite gender and sex. I admit I defer to DH some direct questions about boys (not that there have been to many, at this stage I just want him to know that I expect him to field some of these questions







).

Sex education is tough. I fully believe that a child's questions should lead/guide the discussion. But DD has gotten the idea that kissing=sex so I've had to follow in the lead a little on this one. Thank goodness for the 1 page of drawings (not explicit) about lovemaking positions in the pregnancy book. I've been able to point point out to DD that "that" is sex. She's good with that so far. She really could care less about sperm and where it comes from much less where it goes and how it gets there. (But she loves the idea that she has eggs!)


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

"But she loves the idea that she has eggs!"

I love the idea, too!


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## orangeiron (Oct 21, 2004)

This is a great thread for me. dd1 (age 4.5) hasn't asked yet, but i'm sure it's coming and i want to be prepared. she has started looking at her 'peepee' (i know, i'm working on introducing the right words) and watching her pee come out and i just stay positive and let her look all she wants. i offered her a mirror, but she said no, i don't want to pressure her into learning before she's ready so i let it go. but, she kept telling me she had a bugbite and when she finally showed me it was here clitorus she was pointing to.







i just told her it wasn't a bugbite it was part of her.

i also wanted to share a story of mine, because a lot of chilhood exploration stories have been negative and mine wasn't. when i was 3 or 4 my best friend was a boy and we would always go play in the long grass







we would watch each other pee because that's what we thought sex was (we couldn't imagine what else we would do with those body parts) we were the same age, it was consensual and i am pretty sure we didn't touch each other. my parents were completely uncomfortable with the subject and we NEVER had the talk ever. in retrospect i am glad i wasn't stopped from that play because it was innocent, stopping it would have made it seem bad, but i do wish they had explained it to me and at that age they wouldn't have needed to be embarrased because it didn't make sense then. i can understand being more embassed explaining to a teen.
also:
as i got older i was taken advantage of as a teen by an older man and it was awful, but i thought it was ok and i was too polite to tell him off. after that i thought men only liked you if you had sex with them. only after meeting my husband did i learn about a healthy sexual relationship, but i am still not comfortable with the whole thing.
i wonder if my parents had talked to me when i was young, if i would have been more prepared to protect myself and knowledgable enough to know that i didn't have to let the men do what they wanted?
i now have two daughters and the thought of them going through anything i went through makes me miserable. i would do anything i could to protect them and it is so hard to know where the line is. enough information, but not too much...
i think keeping a positive attitute, explaining it to them as they seem ready and interested and helping them understand it is only for big people is all we can do. i want them to be able to have healthy sexual realtionships when they are older and never feel guilty as i still do.


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## orangeiron (Oct 21, 2004)

oh, and terabith, yeah, the word vulva doesn't really do it for me either, i feel like if it were a word i liked better, i would use it.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

There are two books I cannot recommend highly enough. Both are by the same authour - one geared towards children, the other for parents. Definitely worth buying in my opinion!

Meg Hickling is the author - _Boys, Girls & Body Science: A First Book About Facts of Life_ is one that my kids have all loved reading again and again, with me or dh, on their own too - the pictures are great.

She also wrote _Speaking of Sex: Are You ready to Answer the Questions Your Kids Will Ask?_ and it covers preschool through adolescent type questions and what is apprpriate to teach at each age level.


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