# Telling children about Santa



## KeanusMomma (Apr 29, 2006)

Who here tells their kids Santa will come and bring them presents at Christmas? What do you tell them? What do you think about the ethical side of this (it's a lie, it's just for harmless fun)?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

There have been threads about this before. I have to take ds1 to his aunt's, so I don't have time to search for it, but somebody posted a list about this that was interesting. She tried to find what circumstances create a fairly harmless Santa tradition, and what circumstances create a more harmful one. I don't remember all of it, but when Santa isn't tied to "be a good boy or you won't get gifts", when parents are willing to let it drop when the kids start questioning, and when the overall relationship is open and trusting, kids roll with it okay. When parents tie Santa's existence to behavioural threats, continue to insist that he's real even when the kids are questioning and/or already have a relationship that's short on trust, the kids feel betrayed.

I've never had an ethical problem with it, myself. I see it more as telling a story. DS1 has known for years that Santa isn't real, and I'll tell dd and ds2 when they start asking. We've _always_ "done" Santa around here. I loved it so much when I was a child, and I wanted my kids to have the same experience.


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

I told my kids Santa fills the stockings. Otherwise why do the whole stocking thing? We leave him cookies. It's all for fun.

If other parents don't wish to "lie" to their kids, that's fine. When ds asked me, directly, if Santa existed I asked him what he thought. I took my cue from his answers. When he said, "I think he's real." I said, "I think so, too." A month or so ago he said, "I don't know, I just want to know if he's real or not." So I told him that there is no literal Santa. That he is a symbol of the spirit of giving.

I think Santa can be overdone but he can also make the holiday fun for kids and adults alike. I have no ethical issues with Santa so long as children are told the truth when they ask for it. Ds understood just fine and seems absolutely no worse for wear for believing in Santa. In fact, he is happy and excited to carry on the Santa myth for dd.

Your mileage may vary.


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## snuggly mama (Mar 29, 2004)

My older ones (11 and 9) just informed us at dinner the other night that they don't believe in Santa anymore. I knew that, of course, but I wanted to see how they reacted. Neither one of them felt at all betrayed or lied to, mostly I think because they were able to figure out for themselves, over time, that the Santa myth just doesn't translate to real life. What I wanted to do, though, was move past the whole idea of Santa as a guy who breaks delivers toys to Santa as a concept of charity, kindness and compassion (our personal value system). Back in high school, I had written an article for our school paper on "Why I Believe in Santa" -- basically talking about an experience that showed that Santa is anyone who shows kindness to others at the holidays. In the article, I had written that when my children ask me to tell them the truth about Santa, I would share the same story -- I did, and it was really a memorable moment.

Long story short, I think if you really want to do the Santa thing, if it's an important tradition for you and your family, know that it can be handled in a way that doesn't feel like lying. I know not everyone agrees or has had the same experience, but that's my 2 cents.


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## KeanusMomma (Apr 29, 2006)

nak
ds is only 2, so there hasn't been much santa talk his first 2 xmases. this year may be different--he'll be much more likely to participate. you guys made some good points. i like the thought of going with the santa that puts toys in stockings and eats milk and cookies, with the "only if you're good" and the drawn-out stories and tricks some parents do to keep their kids convinced. i also like being completely honest about it, giving in as soon as questions arise. i kinda think i may go with something like, "we're going to pretend santa leaves presents for us," that way there's no discrepancy as to whether or not I "lied" to him once he finds out "the truth."


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I will tell ds the story of Santa, but I will make it CLEAR that it is a story. That it's fun to pretend that Santa comes.

We do the same with "Bob the Builder" at construction sites. He thinks it's great fun to pretend, but I do tell him that it's just every day guys, not really "Bob."
I try to be totally honest about everything. This is just one more thing.

eta:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KeanusMomma* 
i kinda think i may go with something like, "we're going to pretend santa leaves presents for us," that way there's no discrepancy as to whether or not I "lied" to him once he finds out "the truth."

yeah that. Even if ds doesn't really "get it" that Santa is pretend, or doesn't really "get" the difference between real and pretend, I'm sowing the seeds. There won't ever be a time where I have to be like "oh yeah. That's not really the way it is." If nothing else, it will be a gradual realization.

eta again: Last year, I hadn't planned on doing the "pretend Santa" thing. But I realized that it is important to me that ds not think (or tell other kids) that their parents are LYING to them. So I figured "pretend Santa" is a happy medium.


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## ~Lolosoli~ (Mar 16, 2006)

I am leaning towards telling my younger ones that it is just pretend...I have not made up my mind yet ...

~Charlene~


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## tiffer23 (Nov 7, 2005)

We'll do Santa. We won't this year, DS will only be 9m old. But we'll just have fun with it. I loved stories of the North Pole, and the reindeer, et.c growing up! I still do! St.Nicholas was a real person. When DS is old enough to question Santa, I'll talk to him about St. Nicholas and his story.


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## yestheyareallmine (Aug 30, 2006)

Since we couldn't avoid Santa we decided to tell the kids the real story behind Nicholas (St. Nicholas, if your Catholic?). Yes, the story about the fat guy going down the chimney is a myth, but there really was a Nicholas, and he really did some great things. I think it's sad when people say that he's pretend.

There is so much to learn about the good of humankind, generosity, love and charity from his story. I hate that it gets lost in the ho, ho, ho's and funny red hats.

We do stockings, not to honor the guy himself, but to honor the spirit of charity and love he had. Nicholas is a tiny, tiny part of our holiday season, he has nothing to do with what our family celebrates, but I hope that we learn from his example.

We aren't Catholic, but this site helped tell the story when the kids were younger. http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=167


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

We never did Santa as gift giver thing. Gifts always came and come from us. Actually, he learned about Santa through people asking him if Santa comes to his house and he'd just say no. Santa hangs out at the mall and in movies according to DS when he was younger.

It wasn't anything we ever planned and just unfolded really naturally. He likes to talk about Santa and visit Santa for photos but that's about it.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

I will be doing Santa with my son and all future children. It won't be the emphasis of the Holiday as we are Christian and I prefer to focus on the birth of Christ as well as charity and giving.

When I was three or four my dad told me there was no Santa. He says he wanted me to know where the gifts came from so I could appreciate the hard work and effort that went into my mother (not him) earning the money to purchase them.

I HATE him for that! I feel like the magic and wonder of the holiday was sort of lost for me. I had to pretend for all my cousins who's families didn't tell them. It sucked!

Plus it devastated my mother that it was all ruined for me. I clearly remember thinking that I should like to her and pretend I didn't believe him. For years I SAID I believed in Santa just to make her happy. Now how fair is that?


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I started a thread like this last year, it got several replies - some heated. I've decided to tell DS the story about the legend of Santa and let him draw his own conclusions. I don't plan on telling DS that a man dressed in red comes into our house and leaves him presents. But if he uses his own imagination and decides that Santa comes to our house to bring him presents then I will not correct him. If he asks me directly if Santa comes into our house I will ask him what he thinks. Honesty is very important to me so I won't tell him something that is not true. His father (my ex H), on the other hand, tells him that Santa is real and comes to his house, etc.

It's a personal choice really. I was lied to a lot as a child and that is why I have a hard time being dishonest with DS.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Here is the thread I started last year about santa:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ighlight=santa


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## Sagesgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Never done it, never gonna do it. Saint Nicholas was indeed a real person, but Saint Nicholas was all about giving. Santa Claus is all about getting. No one goes to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want him to give the poor child down the street. (The cultural insensitivity I mentioned in another thread goes something like this: not everyone celebrates Christmas, and even the folks who do don't all do gifts on the same day, so the entire myth of giving gifts to everyone all around the world on one night never made sense to me. Even as a child.) That people lie to their children bugs me too, but my problem is more with the consumerism and the 'gimme' mentality that the myth encourages.


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## jamsmama (Jul 16, 2005)

Fairies and Gnomes are so much a part of the Waldorf education. What is the difference? Neither are real, but are fun for a child's imagination. I remember when I found out that Santa wasn't real. I wasn't ever resentful or thought "my parents lied to me." Harmless fun.


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## medeanj (Sep 18, 2005)

We are NOT into the man in the Red Suit since in my mind has been corrupted by materialistic commercialism. We are more into the persona of Father Christmas or 'Old Man Winter'.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *snuggly mama* 
Back in high school, I had written an article for our school paper on "Why I Believe in Santa" -- basically talking about an experience that showed that Santa is anyone who shows kindness to others at the holidays. In the article, I had written that when my children ask me to tell them the truth about Santa, I would share the same story -- I did, and it was really a memorable moment.

In 2000, I kicked out my ex-husband. We'd been together for over 15 years. I soon met dh, but we spent over a year as a long-distance couple (Knoxville, TN and Vancouver, BC). He wasn't here for Christmas that year, as he was going to be moving here the following year and wanted to spend that Christmas with his family...understandably.

So...I wasn't getting a stocking. This sounds so materialistic, but it really isn't. I wouldn't have cared if my stocking consisted of one orange and some wrapping paper! It just felt so...weird not to have a stocking on Christmas morning (plus my son spent the night at his dad's on Christmas Eve, so I woke up to an empty house). I'd been crying on my best friend's shoulder about it on the 23rd. When she came to visit on Boxing Day (our personal tradition), she showed up with the usual gift...and a stocking...a full, packed stocking. She'd filled it with all kinds of things - "free gifts" from cosmetic purchases, a bottle topper from the dollar store, a candle, a suncatcher...soap...a small stuffed animal. She'd wrapped everything. I stood there hugging her and crying for about 10 minutes. I'm tearing up just thinking of it now. When I quit crying, she told me that originally, her boyfriend was going to come by one Christmas Eve, set the stocking on my step, then ring the bell and bug out. He got a stomach bug, and couldn't do it. So - I started crying again.

When I think of Santa these days, I don't think of the guy in the red hat (although my family has a lot of fun with him, as well)...I think of my friend coming through the door with the stocking. I just hope I'm half the friend to her that she is to me...


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## cheekymamaof2 (Mar 12, 2004)

We did not do Santa, when my 13 year old was a babe. We had the idea that it was lying, and that if we did that she wouldn't ever trust us etc...Now that we have a 3 year old, we're totally doing santa. Our 13 year old says she feels like she missed out on the fun of it, and she really doesnt want her little bro to miss out like she did. I just remember being totally devastated when mom told me there was no santa. I think we'll keep it light and fun, and let him believe as long as he likes.


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## cheekymamaof2 (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 

she showed up with the usual gift...and a stocking...a full, packed stocking.

...

What a darling precious friend! That right there is the meaning of true friendship! I don't know what I would do if we didn't have stockings...LOL its just not a complete christmas without that little thing.


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## corhorvath (Sep 10, 2005)

My daughter asked me if Santa was real. She'll be 5 next month.

I told her, "I've never seen him but some people think he's real." She said she thinks he is.

I just couldn't lie to her but I didn't want to squash her wonderment either. I loved believing in Santa and even a part of me still thinks how wonderful it would be if he was.

I figured out he was fake when I was 5 and wish I hadn't so I'll just let me dd figure it out on her own.

We are Christian and don't decorate with Santa or make him an important part of our Christmas. Like a pp said, I only do Santa-filled stockings. And the rest of the presents come from us.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Here's the thread that's discussing this already, too, in Childhood Years... http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=558169


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I have no problem telling my son the story of Santa in the spirit of the season....
But when he asks straight out if Santa is real, I tell him that Santa is a character, a fairy tale...and that although some kids think he's real and brings the presents, really it's the parents who love their kids so much that do it.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sagesgirl* 
Never done it, never gonna do it. Saint Nicholas was indeed a real person, but Saint Nicholas was all about giving. Santa Claus is all about getting. No one goes to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want him to give the poor child down the street. (The cultural insensitivity I mentioned in another thread goes something like this: not everyone celebrates Christmas, and even the folks who do don't all do gifts on the same day, so the entire myth of giving gifts to everyone all around the world on one night never made sense to me. Even as a child.) That people lie to their children bugs me too, but my problem is more with the consumerism and the 'gimme' mentality that the myth encourages.

You know, after reading your reply, I think I've changed my mind about telling him the Santa story "in the spirit of the season"...you are right. Santa is about "getting" even if St. Nick was about giving...


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Santa was a two part thing in our family and will be with our kids. In the first part, yes it is very much about some magic guy bringing gifts. But when we figured out that Santa wasn't real (and I won't just one day tell her, I'll wait for her to ask) we were in on the giving side - like filling stockings, wrapping gifts, picking out things to donate (food, gifts, etc). It was fun then, it's fun now. It does focus on giving.

I'm really not into having pics made with some random guy at the mall or the "naughty or nice" aspect.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

We never did when we celebrated, we don't do easter bunny or tooth fairy either.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
Santa was a two part thing in our family and will be with our kids. In the first part, yes it is very much about some magic guy bringing gifts. But when we figured out that Santa wasn't real (and I won't just one day tell her, I'll wait for her to ask) we were in on the giving side - like filling stockings, wrapping gifts, picking out things to donate (food, gifts, etc). It was fun then, it's fun now. It does focus on giving.

I'm really not into having pics made with some random guy at the mall or the "naughty or nice" aspect.

Nice! Same in our house; when it was clear that Santa was a construct, then we ALL played Santa, to each other. The gifts were surprise gifts that we picked and hid and wrapped and left out on X-mas Eve.

I think if you and your family have a strong enuf concept of who YOU are, what your core beliefs are, and so on, then, society's projection of what the holiday season and it's characters are all about, won't make a difference... To each their own.

I would be sad if dd ruined another kid's perception of X-mas and Santa, because I had enforced a rule about it... "My mom says Santa isn't real and that he is just a product of capitalism."







:








Could u imagine the look on that kid's face??


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## tiffer23 (Nov 7, 2005)

I wanted to add, we do plan on doing a lot of giving as well with DS. We want to do the shoe boxes for children (each person in the home will pick out a child) and then we also want to go through our things and buy a few new things and take them to one of our local homeless shelters, or woman's centers, etc. and give to the children there who won't have as nice a Christmas.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
I would be sad if dd ruined another kid's perception of X-mas and Santa, because I had enforced a rule about it... "My mom says Santa isn't real and that he is just a product of capitalism."







:








Could u imagine the look on that kid's face??

I have told my son that some kids think Santa is real...but I would not be sad or penalize him for telling the truth or advocate that he tell a lie. Instead I think I will just encourage his sensitivity to other's beliefs while holding to what he knows is true...pretty much what I want to encourage in a broader sense anyway.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote from Storm Bride: "When I think of Santa these days, I don't think of the guy in the red hat (although my family has a lot of fun with him, as well)...I think of my friend coming through the door with the stocking. I just hope I'm half the friend to her that she is to me..."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheekymamaof2* 
What a darling precious friend! That right there is the meaning of true friendship! I don't know what I would do if we didn't have stockings...LOL its just not a complete christmas without that little thing.

I also think this is beautiful! I think this underlies my "belief" in Santa. That Santa is about the wonderful feeling that you feel when you get something that you really want - AND, it's important to share that with other people by giving. That giving can be a kind deed, a small sacrifice, even a tangible gift.

My ds is getting to the age that I'm sure he'll start to question if Santa is real. I'm surprised he hasn't asked before. When he does ask, and only then, I'll tell him something along the lines that Santa is a sentiment that has been made into a human-like form as part of a story. That Santa, as a person, isn't real, but the goodness that comes from giving is real. This is the time of the year that we are reminded about giving to others, and we should practice it all year long.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

We have always said that these are the stories about Santa - and we have shared lots of different ones with our kids. We have never said this is "fact" and we have found lots of stories where "Santa" embodies the spirit of giving and generosity. And we tell our kids that for some people, Santa is about getting lots of stuff. They are all stories, the ones we admire and the ones we don't have so much respect for. In our house, we leave out cookies, a piece of firewood and a box of clementines for Santa on Christmas Eve. The cookies are for Santa and the firewood and fruit are for Santa to carry to another home, one where there isn't enough to eat or enough money to keep the house warm. Our family story is that when Santa comes, the first thing he does is put the baby Jesus doll in our nativity scene and snuggle the Mary doll in beside him. Then he fills our stockings and brings up parcels from the basement tht have arrived and been stored away by me over the month of December.

Last year we talked a few times about catching the Santa spirit and secretly givng something to someone else This year we are going to take the kids to buy some warm mittens, books and toys, and then qurtly leave them at our local women's shelter. The kids are excited about this - they love the idea of being part of a surprise and imagining how welcome the gifts will be. They also want to make gifts for some of our elderly neighbours and "sneak" over and leave them on the doorstep to be found on Christmas morning - things ike homemade cookies and ornaments.

Storiea re a powerful influence on children. I figure that emphasizing the "good" parts in the Santa stories helps steer them away from the greedier aspects.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheekymamaof2* 
What a darling precious friend! That right there is the meaning of true friendship!

I'd certainly agree with "darling" and "precious". After dh, my kids and my mom, I think she's probably the single most important person in the world to me. She's the same friend who gave me a stuffed dog after my first miscarriage, because she thought I needed something to hug. I've done something really right in my life to deserve a friend like her.


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