# 3 Year Old Suddenly Stopped Saying Thank You/Please



## thephotodad (Jan 1, 2015)

Hi all. First time poster here and looking for some sound advice.

For those who will ask how old my son is, he just turned 3 last week.

Yesterday he and I were visiting the zoo, having a great time. Then all of the sudden while we were at the store it was as if something came over him, and from that point forward, his manners have essentially stopped completely...stopping saying "thank you" entirely, and at times, "please".

For example, previously he would either say "milk please", or "I want milk"...the latter of which I would tell him to ask nicely and then he'd say milk please. I'd give him the milk and he would either say thank you on his own, or I'd tell him, "what do you say now", and he'd say those magical words.

Well since yesterday afternoon, when I try to get him to say thank you (and at times please), he just pauses, thinks about it for a quick moment, and then ignores or sort of turns his head away. And if I push and keep asking him politely to say thank you/please, he lets out a short frustrating whimper sound. Repetitive asking gets me nowhere except getting him more frustrated and agitated. This morning he'll ask for a toy or food, and then I'll say back, "ask nicely please", and then he'll just say, "I don't want that [toy or food] anymore".

Throughout the whole ordeal it has taken all my patience to remain calm and not yell or spank - as I don't think either will be effective. But needless to say the little angel is testing every fiber in me.

I have, however, given short timeouts and removed certain toys in the last 24 hours.

In trying to formulate my own reasons for this...it almost seems like he might be trying to test his limits with me, or is trying to impose his will and see how far he can take this. But he's making life so much harder for himself by doing this. I am off work this week and had hoped to have a really happy, fun week with him, and so far the last two days have been forgettable...

What gives? Why did this happen out of the blue? This has never happened before. I am so confused...

Do you have suggestions on if I'm handling discipline correctly? How long do I keep certain items like toys away from him if this continues? Obviously for things like food I am going to feed him even if he doesn't say please or thank you...but it sure does not make for a pleasurable meal.

Thanks so much in advance for your help/feedback!


----------



## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

Are you concerned that he's going through anything bad or being exposed to something? Ultimately- I think he's just going through something, sometimes kids do. The natural punishment method is fine with 'please'. If he doesn't say please, he doesn't get it. If he decides it's not worth saying 'please' over, just let it go. 'Thank you' is a little harder. He already got it- I don't know if taking it away until he says 'thank you' is appropriate or not.

I think you should evaluate why you have such a strong response to this. I can understand being frustrated, but to be tempted to resort to spanking over it seems a touch extreme. You aren't describing him as being out of control or tantrumming, just failing to meet your expectations. If an adult friend of yours refused to say 'thank you', would you be tempted to smack them? I suspect that either you come from a very strict upbringing, or you had part of your self-worth invested in having a polite child. Either way, you may want to take a step-back and re-evaluate if this is worth such a strong response.

Model the behavior to him- ensure that you always say 'please' and 'thank you' both to him and others. If someone asks you for something and doesn't say 'please', instruct them to and remind them to thank you. (you can reassure whoever it is that you're trying to help your child learn manners, most people will be understanding)

It's also possible that he's acting out because his schedule has changed and you get the week together. That can also be a big upheaval for kids. 

The way you describe things, I think the best idea would be to continue reinforcing good manners and then give yourself (and him) a break. As you said- you have a nice week to enjoy with your child. Don't let something like this ruin it. If you continue making it clear what you want, so give yourself a break. Things aren't perfect, there are plenty of reasons this could be happening and it doesn't mean your son will grow up to be an uncultured brute. Enjoy your time with your child.


----------



## LTurtle (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree with pretty much everything sillysapling said. 

It could be that he is pushing boundaries, or that he is having some regression due to changes in his schedule, or it could be that he is in some kind of difficulty and this is how it's showing up. The response you describe from him is slightly worrisome to me. That sounds to me like a kid having emotional difficulties and not able to express himself constructively. Have you tried asking him why he isn't saying please/thank you rather than punishing him for it?

Three is still really young to be saying please & thank you all the time. I think it may be best to back off a bit on enforcing that behavior. Instead focus on modeling the manners you want to see from him, and giving him positive reinforcement when he remembers to do it on his own. That is what I do with my kids, though I do add gentle reminders on occasion. Both my kids are very well-mannered, so that approach really can work. In my experience witholding toys, especially at such a young age, is ineffective as a discipline tool.

I will also add, your concern about this issue seems disproportionate to the situation. It might be helpful to spend some time thinking about why this feels so important to you.


----------



## thephotodad (Jan 1, 2015)

sillysapling said:


> ...





LTurtle said:


> ...


Thanks to the both of you for your responses.

Sometimes in life we all need a little perspective, and this was my dose of reality that I needed. Being a parent doesn't really come with an instruction manual and this was truly a moment where I needed to rely on some outside expertise.

In looking at your responses, and reflecting on the last 24 hours, it's true...I now feel that I sort of blew this one out of proportion a bit, and needed to hit the reset button on my approach.

And to clarify under no circumstances would I ever spank or yell -- my frustration with the whole ordeal was just out of plain confusion how something like this could just sort of happen out of thin air. It really wasn't about expecting a three year-old to possess manners at all times.

To the first responder, no I really didn't have all that strict of an upbringing.

To both the first and second responder, I guess it's just what I've come to expect since my son has said please and thank you for the longest time -- only for him to stop completely out of the blue yesterday.

Thanks again for helping me make some sense of this


----------

