# How to keep visitors "at bay" and away from Hospital??



## In Exile (Jan 12, 2007)

Sounds like a silly question and I wonder if I am just turning very "unsocial".

Just the idea of ANY visitors at the hospital after our little one's birth makes me sweat and comfortable.
I usually love my MIL, she has a great heart and is a wonderful woman to be around- I just don't know why on earth the idea of visitors that want to hold our baby is freaking me out.

Same goes for Hubbie's best friend and his wife- I know she is desperately trying to get pregnant (no ovulation) and her husband has had a vasectomy- second marriage for him. I feel bad for her but I do feel that she is just going to grab that baby I will have to make up a something to get the little one back into my arms.

I DON'T WANNA SHARE- why does this make me feel so selfish- especially since I know that I am respected and loved- but still the idea of visitors freaks me out?

I feel like I won't be able to relax- I will have to brush my hair and be sociable- just hate it. Hubby already toned his visitor wishes WAY down because I simply don't want that- but how on earth is it reasonable to deny his parents and best friend a visit?
My MIL has had 4 kids I really love, I really like my hubby's best friend and his wife- but especially with her I feel uncomfortable since she already made jokes of "once your baby is there- just hand it over"- I don't wanna hurt her, since I know very much were she comes from, having been married once to a man who had a vasectomy (NIGHTMARE, everyone around you has kids only you don't)- but how normal are "no visitors" at all??

Plus, we are planning on being at home for 2 weeks without ANY visitors- how to deal with that??


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## Samjm (Mar 12, 2005)

Well, my first thought was to not tell anyone baby has arrived until after you get home, but it looks like your DH wouldn't go for that.

So other suggestions - use the nurses!!!! Tell them you only want visitors there for 15 minutes at a time, and have them be the "bad guys" telling your visitors that it is time to leave. Most people won't question them.

When your visitors are there, make sure you're nursing the baby, and apologize sweetly and exclaim about how much he / she eats.

Regarding the 2 week thing - just tell them that you want / need the time to recover from birth and to establish your relationship with your new baby. Stick a note on the front door, and just don't answer it when people come round.

Or, if you don't feel you can turn them away completely, warn them all that you will expect them to do chores when they get there, loading the dishwasher, doing laundry, sweeping the floor etc. That will turn a lot of people off (but not all).

Good luck!


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## Marvelleaux (Oct 2, 2006)

I don't have a ton of advice for you but I would like to say that I think it's a totally acceptable response to not want visitors. This is a major reason why I've chosen homebirth. It's considered perfectly acceptable in our culture to "hunt down" women who are about to give, or have recently given birth. The fact that it's already making you nervous and tense is worthy of consideration and a pro-active attitude towards limiting visitation is something you should consider.

I knew before I even got pregnant that I would labor badly if I was being "hunted". When I made the decision to homebirth it was assumed by some that anybody who wanted could be there. It was difficult to address that assumption gently but we managed to make it clear that a large part of our decision to do this at home was because of a great for privacy, and that we would not be inviting anyone for the birth. Even though you'll be birthing at a hospital you are certainly entitled to the same amount of privacy and respect from family and friends, but I would start now with voicing your expectations and be gentle (but firm) about it. There is nothing wrong with a "We will call you when we're ready for visitors" approach, but sometimes it can take awhile for some of your closest friends/relatives to be understanding and respectful about it because they just might not "get it".

Good luck!


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## In Exile (Jan 12, 2007)

The funny thing is that Hubby actually agrees on the 2 week thing- only us getting to each other without visitors. So I think the 2 weeks will go smoothly- Hubby is on it.

But, now of course I feel that I have to make a compromise- since nobody will be allowed inside the house- so that at least at the hospital somebody can say hi. Grmpf. I feel absolutely possesive already, I am just dreading going with little one somewhere and having to fight off stretched arms, since it seems that all of a sudden everyone feels ENTITLED to hold your baby. Man, I know I will never put my baby down unless I really, really have to. God, I know that already, Baby is not going to leave my side- got the carrier ready...

Just the whole logistics creep me out- I spoke with another mum, who said she actually never felt that way and loved for other people to hold her son. And I know I will hate that- and my baby still has a couple weeks before even being here- call me obsessed...


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## In Exile (Jan 12, 2007)

Has anybody have good result with being "left alone" by opening up a website for example??

I am currently working on a website that will go online ones I decide to publish it- so that people can get their "baby fix" at least with to pictures, guest book and so on. I hope this will let some back off.
Did that work for anyone- or did that backfire and made people more anxious?

Man, I miss my mum- my parents live in Germany and my mum already said that it really is a disease that everyone feels the need to slobber over a newborns face like a dog...







and that she would never to that with anyone's kid.


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## marlee (Aug 29, 2005)

Stand your ground it will be worth it!

I had a very traumatic birth experience with dd ending up in NICU and I was very very unwell from major hemorrage. When my mom and dh finally called a few people to say that baby had arrived they also told everyone no visitors.
My grandma did come for 5 min. and dd was in NICU, which I was so happy to be able to tell her face to face that her middle name was named after her. Then a few days later my MIL came for 10 min. and it was a disaster. I hated the interruption. I so wish she hadn't come or mabye at a better time. But she travelled 3 hrs. so she couldn't be told to come back later.

I will definately ask for no visitors again.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

At one of the hospitals I've delivered at, the labor and delivery nurses were really willing to go to bat for me on this issue. Before passing along any phone call or visitation request, they'd come to me and ask if it was okay, and if I said no, they'd make an excuse for me, "Oh, the doctor says no visitors right now," "She's in the middle of a procedure but she'll call you back later." It was tremendously helpful. So if the L&D nurses are willing to back you up, that is one route you can take.

Do not feel bad about your feelings on this issue. My MIL and SIL showed up less than 20 minutes after my son was born, apparently on the assumption that since I'd been in labor ALL DAY he MUST have been born already, right?







and I was really not ready for visitors yet. I went ahead and agreed to have them come in, because my SIL had actually driven some distance, but I would have really preferred it if they'd waited until at least the next day.

After we got home, I specifically requested that our friends and family call and make "appointments" before coming to visit us, and bless them all, every single one of them respected our wishes. So I could set up visits at the time of my choosing, and it really helped me to feel in control of the situation and not overwhelmed.

And yes, the baby sling is invaluable in keeping away grasping hands after the baby arrives.







People are much less willing to even ask to hold the baby if they see that you have him in a sling and if they do, they're easily put off if you say "Oh, he likes it in there and it's a pain in the rear to put him back in... maybe next visit!"

Good luck, and don't feel bad about enforcing your wishes! It's your baby and nobody else is going to look out for him but his parents, so if you don't want intrusive visitors, that's your right!


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## Marvelleaux (Oct 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *In Exile* 
...Man, I know I will never put my baby down unless I really, really have to. God, I know that already, Baby is not going to leave my side- got the carrier ready...


I feel PRECISELY the same way. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm going to get sick of holding the baby, etc., and that I'll be glad to pass him off to one of them. I just smile and say "you keep telling yourself that--maybe you'll get lucky and it will happen a few times."

In my early 20's my closest friend/roomate gave birth to a little boy. She had severe pp depression and I spent a lot of time holding and caring for him for the first months. I did not feel comfortable unless I was holding him. I held him while I cooked and when I cleaned and when I brushed my teeth. I seriously doubt I'm going to get sick of holding this one.


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## In Exile (Jan 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marvelleaux* 
I feel PRECISELY the same way. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm going to get sick of holding the baby, etc., and that I'll be glad to pass him off to one of them. I just smile and say "you keep telling yourself that--maybe you'll get lucky and it will happen a few times."

In my early 20's my closest friend/roomate gave birth to a little boy. She had severe pp depression and I spent a lot of time holding and caring for him for the first months. I did not feel comfortable unless I was holding him. I held him while I cooked and when I cleaned and when I brushed my teeth. I seriously doubt I'm going to get sick of holding this one.

This is exactly what I am thinking- I am waiting so inpatiently for this little person to get here- why would I be glad "to pass him off"??

I always loved babysitting my friends kids- they wanted to be held and I was more than happy to oblige, don't know why as soon as a child makes it into the world everyone wants to teach them to "be on their own".
Kind of sounds like a contradiction to me- I mean you want to kids, why not hold them as long as you can? From what I see they grow up reaaal quick. Gee, I can't even put down a purring cat...


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marvelleaux* 
I don't have a ton of advice for you but I would like to say that I think it's a totally acceptable response to not want visitors. This is a major reason why I've chosen homebirth. *It's considered perfectly acceptable in our culture to "hunt down" women who are about to give, or have recently given birth. The fact that it's already making you nervous and tense is worthy of consideration and a pro-active attitude towards limiting visitation is something you should consider.*

I knew before I even got pregnant that I would labor badly if I was being "hunted". When I made the decision to homebirth it was assumed by some that anybody who wanted could be there. It was difficult to address that assumption gently but we managed to make it clear that a large part of our decision to do this at home was because of a great for privacy, and that we would not be inviting anyone for the birth. Even though you'll be birthing at a hospital you are certainly entitled to the same amount of privacy and respect from family and friends, but I would start now with voicing your expectations and be gentle (but firm) about it. There is nothing wrong with a "We will call you when we're ready for visitors" approach, but sometimes it can take awhile for some of your closest friends/relatives to be understanding and respectful about it because they just might not "get it".

Good luck!

You are so right about that... that's why I actually told my mother I am due mid June instead of early June







that way when she starts nagging me about the baby being overdue hopefully I will have already given birth... I probably should have tacked on another week for good measure but it's too late now...


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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

I felt this way with all three of my kids...but what ended up happening was that after the babies were born, I really wanted to see my mother, the person who annoys the crap out of me most often! I guess it's something primal...


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I think you can kindly tell everyone that you don't feel you'll be up to visitors in the hospital. If it's not you first, you can say that with your first you found it difficult to have visitors and so you'd prefer no visitors. Then, tell the hospital not to allow anyone in to see you except your dh. The hospital should do exactly what you want in this regard, and I would be surprised if they let people in that you didn't want to see.

As for the at-home part, have you seen the "babymoon" things people have? I would share (via email, with a photo of the new babe) the news that you are currently enjoying your babymoon and will be available for visitors after X day, and please to call so you can find a time that will work for you both. The babymoon stuff has great phrasing to explain kindly and gently to others why you want alone time with your family and new babe.

HTH. I for one was very glad for one visitor in the hospital - my mom's best friend. My mom lived far away and was not going to be around for a week or so. My mom's best friend came and I was so comfortable with her. She's like a second mom to me, and it was wonderful to chat with her and have her admire my baby. I became so comfortable during her visit that I let her hold dd briefly.

Everyone else was a HUGE intrusion. They would not leave. They would not leave when I needed to BF, and it was my first and I really had to get naked and just work at it. It was awful. I just totally lost it at one point; there were about six people in the room, dd needed to BF, and MIL was trying to soothe dd instead of giving her back to me. I was trying not to create a scene, but I just wanted my







baby back and for everyone to LEAVE US ALONE so we could BF in peace. And then MIL started "trying something" with dd, holding her close and swinging her (MIL's) body side to side. I could have KILLED her. I gave dh a look that said "If you don't fix this now YOU ARE ALL FREAKIN DEAD!" and he got the point and took the baby back and there were no more visitors for the remainder of the hospital stay. But it was HORRIBLE. Avoid that scene at all costs. Ugh.

We didn't call anyone with the info dd was born until late the morning of her birth (she was born at 1:10 a.m. and we called local family around 10 or 11 a.m.). We had talked about not telling anyone for a couple of weeks if the UC worked out, but when it didn't we needed some help. Next time, I will do everything in my power to keep people away.

Oh, and my MIL is pretty great. But she was a HUGE intrusion after dd's birth and made me really unhappy and uncomfortable. No one had anything to offer dd except me and possibly dh. So if they weren't leaving us alone and offering me something (like my mom's best friend, who brought food, warmth, and no pressure) then they needed to GET OUT!

*I have no guilt about this, and neither should you.* Next time I'll protect and take better care of myself and my newborn babe.

Julia
dd 10 mos


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samjm* 
Or, if you don't feel you can turn them away completely, warn them all that you will expect them to do chores when they get there, loading the dishwasher, doing laundry, sweeping the floor etc. That will turn a lot of people off (but not all).

And the ones it doesn't turn off will actually be useful.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

My MIL doesnt even know when I am due







Though I am sure dh will call her up right after I have the baby







:

But for the time being at least when the due date approaches I wont have her calling/e-mailing everyday to see if we have had the baby yet.









She know I am due in May but you know May has 31 days and I could go early or late







:

I say a wrap is the perfect way to keep the baby near you. Just tie that baby on


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## KiwiZ (Apr 4, 2004)

The solution is - breastfeed!









I have never seen a room clear so fast as when I whip out a boob and start feeding! And anyone who is comfortable enough to stay is usually a very close friend who you would want around to help you anyway









I hate to say this, but it is extremely hard to keep close family/friends away. What I did was put people to work who came to visit. I asked them to help out with errands, housework, food, etc so I could concentrate on healing and spending time with my little one (who was usually attached to my boob anyway!). I felt this was a good compromise, cuz they wanted to meet baby (can't blame them) and it did help me out to have people do various things for us (I think they kind of liked being useful too)

HTH


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## In Exile (Jan 12, 2007)

I know, Breastfeeding as solution sounds so great. My problem is that I am HUGELY private and also the total Greenhorn that will not feel okay trying to nurse for the first 2 days with anybody in sight. *sigh*


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## amnda527 (Aug 6, 2006)

I haven't thought about this too much, but I think I would rather have people stopping by at the hospital than at home. If I'm at the hospital then I don't really have to be a host, like if I were at home. And I think that people tend to stay for a shorter amount of time at the hospital than if they were at your house, just because the hospital is not very comfortable. And I definetly don't want anyone there until the next day. I only see my parents and siblings coming, hubbys parents, and probably my 2 close friends. These are all people I'm comfortable with, and if I wanted to take a nap or something, I wouldn't feel funny about telling them to get out.









In Exile - If you are really this uncomfortable, then don't have anyone come to visit. And don't feel bad about it. Talk to your dh and make sure that he is ok with it. If not, I would say come up with a compromise, like his visitor can only stay 15mins, and no holding the baby, or whatever you can agree with!! You don't need to go into labor worrying about this. Get everything out in the open and tell dh what you want, come up with a plan so that you can relax and be comfortable. I like the website idea that a pp had, as long as you think everyone would use it. If anyone comes to the door during your babymoon, I would suggest your dh answer it instead of you, and send them away. I wouldn't want to go to the door and get stuck chit-chatting with anyone! To keep everyone happy about the babymoon, I think I would assure everyone that they can stop by on such and such day at this time.


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

In Exile I totally feel your pain! I hate to say but I have never had much luck keeping people away.

My first birth was a hospital birth. My dad, sister, MIL and FIL, and DH were all there. They drove me absolutely batty. I was trying so hard to have a natural childbirth and I needed to concentrate. FIL kept staring at the contraction monitor asking "Are you ready Are you ready? Here comes another one!"







: Then my dad kept saying "Don't be a hero. Nobody is going to look down on you if you have the epidural."







: (I ended up with an epidural. It was a disaster)

Well then they all kept hanging around while we were at the hospital for three days. I kept asking everybody for some private time but we just didn't get any. My favorite was when the entirety of my husbands crew from the firehouse showed up while I was breastfeeding.

This time I had a birth center birth. I said NO visitors period this time except for DH. My MIL showed up while I was pushing. Then she sat there taking very private pictures







: and she sat there and stared while the Midwife stitched up my small tear. We had people show up at the house that day (after we had been up all night) at least they brought dinner though. Thankfully after that we were pretty much left alone.

I am like you in that I want to hold my babies and I don't like passing them off for anyone else to hold. The sling or a wrap is a GREAT way to put people off from that. I find people just admire my DD in her sling or wrap instead of asking to hold her.

Good Luck! Stand strong on your wishes!


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## mommystinch (May 18, 2004)

There is nothing wrong with not sharing your baby in the hospital. Heck, I wouldn't tell anyone either of my kid's possible names until after they were born, as I didn't want to share that part of them yet! Even after they were born, I didn't share the other possibilities, as I didn't want to give that part up. Odd? Perhaps, but that's me







I hated that I let my mother hold dd when she got out of the NICU. I have a picture of me giving her the worst death stare ever as she was holding dd. I did not like it one little bit! I wish I had stood my ground and not let people hold her until I was ready.


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## ahdoula (Sep 5, 2006)

My fam practitioner was on my side. We my dh was on the phone with my mil talking about visiting my FP saw my eyes go big and looked at my dh and said "your wife can't have visitors today" My Hero!


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## fuzzycat (Sep 5, 2006)

In Exile said:


> Sounds like a silly question and I wonder if I am just turning very "unsocial".
> QUOTE]
> 
> I do not think you are being unreasonable. I had a friend do this. Her first one she allowed visitors, but then kicked everyone out so she could breastfeed. Her second one she just had her husband field all calls and he let anyone who called know that she was exhausted, recovering, and not up visitors yet and that she would email people when she was ready for visitors. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it was totally understandable and was not the least bit offended. When I did finally go visit (later at her house) I was the only one there which was a lot more relaxing than having 5 or 6 people in the room at once. I am not sure how well that would work for closer relatives (mom, MIL, SIL, etc).
> ...


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## hlkm2e (Aug 24, 2004)

With my first child, I was overwhelmed with visitors at the hospital. I decided I would not have visitors when my second was born. (Exception was my mom and dh's parents, but they only came once) I told my friends ahead of time that I would not be having visitors, that it was simply too exhausting for me and that I loved them, but I needed the time to rest. It pissed off 1 or 2 people, but most people understood.

I had the nurses post a no visitors allowed sign on my door, JIC. It worked very well for those crazy people who just show up without calling







: Plus if the nurses know you don't want visitors they will usually run interference for you. All those visitors make it harder for them to do their job.

Have someone else answer the room phone for you. Then they can tell people not to come, make excuses, etc. As far as they are concerned, you are always nursing, busy with the baby, resting, whatever. Tell the person you will call them when you are ready to have visitors at home.

I can't tell you how much better and rested I felt after my second vs. my first and I attribute it almost totally to restricting visitors.


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