# Need to share, please be gentle



## Moonprysm (Jun 2, 2006)

I have to get this out. I feel terrible. I'd let myself forget. I can't do that.

When I was 15, I was in a relationship with another girl. We had an on-and-off relationship, one that ended about a week before new years' and started again about a week after. During our off time, she slept with an ex-boyfriend of hers. And got pregnant.

I was excited. Maybe stupid for being excited at 15 that I was going to be a parent, but that's the way it was. I loved this girl. I was going to spend my life with her. (To this day, I don't know that I've ever loved anyone that much, sometimes even DH). Through a long and complicated story, she ended up in Florida. (I'm in VA). My mom never knew about her, or about the baby. I'm not sure when I was planning on telling her, but I was scared to death to do so. So when she called me the night of June 13th to tell me she was going to the hospital because she had fallen in the bathtub and her water had broken, all I could do was cry, and I tell my family that I was crying because a friend of mine was in the hospital.

My daughter was born June 14th, and survived 10 days before passing away on the 24th. I had never cried so hard. I was in agony. My child was gone. My girlfriend was essentially alone. But at least she'd gotten to hold her. To touch her. To see her.

For YEARS I was in misery over this. One day, she told me it was all a lie. That she'd forced herself to miscarry shortly after she got to Florida (around 12 weeks). That the baby was never born. That she'd been lying the whole time she was away.

I didn't know what to do. I'd been mourning this loss for years. All of my close friends knew about my daughter. And now it was all a lie. I struggled for a long time with it. It wasn't really until I was discussing a tattoo I planned to get with my husband that I really made peace. I had decided to include our (then) 2 losses in the tattoo. He asked why it wasn't 3. I told him because my daughter was never born. And he told me that that was silly. Either way, her life was cut short. I could mourn for the life she never had, even if her mother wouldn't. I had cried as a mother, and had my heart broken as a mother. And that was more important than whether or not she was born. And I cried, and finally felt peace.

Now, my ex has come back again. Now she has a story about how her manipulative ex (who really was) said some things that hurt her so badly that she figured it was better to pretend that the baby never existed. So that's why she told me that she had lied. She's saying she really didn't lie, and she has a picture to prove it. I'm waiting for the picture. But it doesn't really make a difference. Birth or not, I've made peace with my daughter's death. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father finally took away all the hate that I felt towards her for so long. I have finally accepted her as she is, and the fact that I really can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. But she was the mother of my daughter. That, I will never be able to let go of.

My daughter's 7th birthday is coming up. So the fact that she would do all this, now, just makes me sad for her. That she feels the need to get attention in this way. This time is for my daughter, not for her.

Thank you for letting me share the pretty messed up story of how I lost my daughter.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I couldn't read and not post. That sounds heartbreaking in so many ways!

((hugs))


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Big hugs to you, how cruel to have your emotions manipulated so much







I'm happy for you that you were able to find some peace. Lots of prayers to you mama.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)




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## savvybabygrace (Feb 15, 2007)

How horribly manipulating. Oh, mama, my heart aches for you.


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## ap mom (Dec 23, 2006)

I am so sorry. How painful and confusing this must be.


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## Moonprysm (Jun 2, 2006)

Thank you so much everyone. When the whole thing went down, some really terrible things were said to me about how I shouldn't be crying over a baby that was never born. So I really appreciate everyone's hugs.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

oh my goodness Tiffani- what a rollercoaster you've been on for the last 7 years. I cannot imagine. You absolutely deserve to grieve however you need to


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

I am so sorry. how awful for you, to have your heart broken over your daughter more than once.
wishing you peace

Brooke


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## jencen (Nov 29, 2007)

Wow. So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been blessed with a wonderful, caring, and sensitive partner. That is exactly what you deserve after having your feelings manipulated like that by another.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

How sad...so sorry for your loss.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Wow sweetie I'm so sorry


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