# How to remember a baby I never saw or touched?



## green_sturgeon (Feb 9, 2008)

One of the hardest parts of this miscarriage for me is feeling like I'm left with nothing to remember my baby by. Here's the story: On April 13, at exactly 13 weeks, I started having some spotting and mild cramping. On April 15, 13 weeks and 2 days, I had an ultrasound that showed a fetus measuring about 11 weeks with no detectable heartbeat. My midwife advised a d&c and I agreed, largely because DH was scared of a natural miscarriage this far along (He lost his brother several years ago and I respect his concern for me and fear of something happening to me). I also felt my body was taking things very slowly and at that point I just wanted the m/c to be over with. So I had a d&c on April 17.

When the doctor explained the surgery to me and said she would "remove the contents of my uterus," I started to cry. Those "contents" included my baby. Now I feel very sad that my little one was disposed of as medical waste. I wish I could have held him/her in my hand, maybe seen the tiny, perfect hands and feet, said goodbye, even buried the remains in my yard under a rose bush.

I don't even have a picture from the last ultrasound (she didn't offer and I couldn't think to ask). I guess what I do have are two pictures from an ultrasound at 7 weeks (as a friend said, it's just a blob, but it's my blob) and the memory of hearing a strong, beautiful heartbeat at 10 weeks. I have the knowledge that a baby was living inside my belly and now is not. I have doubts and uncertainty about how -- or if -- to let myself grieve someone who was not yet a fully formed person, not a person at all by some standards. And I have tears, and a heavy, hurting heart, for lost potential, for the loss of a baby I will never see or hold.

Any thoughts or stories to share? Suggestions or ways you remembered a miscarried baby?


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am considering making a little scrap book. I just have the pictures of my HPTs and a few pictures I took each week waiting for my belly to grow. I thought I would find some poems, bible versus and maybe write a few of my thoughts down like when we found out and how I told DH and our families. DH and I are also landscaping right now and I though we could pick out a plant for the baby and take pictures of it as it grows to add in.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss also, I mean to write that too.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry mama. Your story sounds so similar to what I and other women have wrote. The only thing I have to remember my baby by is an image of the ultrasound in my head and memories of a few flutters. Mamas here suggested that I write to the hospital so maybe I could keep other women who miscarry from going through something similar. I would go thru it all over again just to have an ultrasound and to hold my baby. I wonder everyday what he/she looked like.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I was offered either an induction of labor (I was 18 weeks) or a D&E. I pondered the decision for a few days and finally decided on the induction of labor...seaweed and cytotec. I felt that it was the natural progression for my body and that I would handle my loss better if I could "give birth". Plus I am older (age 37) and felt the induction was safer than surgery.

I can totally understand how you are feeling, because I imagined myself feeling that way if I had a D&E.

I am so sorry for you.....either way you do it is hard and sucks. Our babies aren't inutero anymore where they should be. I get so sad when I think that as I type this I should be 22 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Allow yourself your feelings...however you are feeling and the one thing that really helped me was to allow myself to cry, and sob. For me the best place to let all of the feelings come out was while I was in the shower, I could just sob, something about the running warm water....


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## sarahtar (Mar 19, 2004)

I have done a few things.

1) I have things from each pregnancy that I've kept. The only u/s we got in those pregnancies were the ones that diagnosed the loss - but I kept pictures of them, and I have them stashed away.

2) I have things from each pregnancy we'll bury this summer. The first pregnancy, the baby/sac was so small, it just slipped out in one piece and I saved it. Second loss was further along, and there was really nothing obviously "baby" and so I don't really have anything physical that IS the baby. That bothered me a LOT for a long time, but I've let that go. I'll bury a hankerchief to symbolize grief.

3) I bought myself a necklace. I can't find the URL right now, but mine is a small box with an angel holding two babies. Inside the box are two birthstones in the colors of the months in which my babies were born. I wear it all the time. If you google Pregnancy Loss Jewelry, a lot of pages will pop up.

Hope that helps. I read in a book once that miscarriage is so hard because there are no memories of the baby. You haven't held the baby, you haven't see it, etc. There's just...nothing.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I have a ring I wear on my right ring finger that is an emerald. An emerald would have been the birth stone of the baby I lost.


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## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

I did a couple things, I tried to get an ultrasound picture, but when I went to pick them up, I never took them out of the envelope. i couldn't look at them. But there was never a heartbeat (my baby was about 5 weeks into development, and I miscarried at 9 weeks.)

About a week after the birth of my little one, i had to have my wedding rings cleaned and inspected, while I was there, I was looking at the case beneath me, and noticed this perfect little infants ring. It had a cross on it, and while we aren't religious, it was calling to me.

My son, who was 3 at the time, tried the ring on, and it fit his thumb. I wore it on my necklace for just over a year until after my daughter was born. Now it sits, and waits to fit her finger. She's getting close, and it makes me smile now, yes, I actually smile when I think of my angel daughter. She would have been 3 this year! This astounds me even thought my living daughter will be 3 this year as well.

Another thing I did, I named her. My husband and I discussed our feelings about the baby, and after we had the news that "it" had not survived, he had a dream about a little light haired girl, spinning in a purple dress, laughing. He thought it was our baby "grown up" he said she was about 3 or 4, and absolutely beautiful. So I looked on line and searched baby name sites. I was looking for something that meant remembrance, love, beauty. I finally found a Hawaiian name that means both love and remembrance.

And I talk about her. When I need to. Sharing with friends who are suffering the same pain, talking with strangers who know, or are suffering at that moment, much like now. I wrote her birth story in the what to expect when you m/c thread. But I was in a bad place, and there isn't much heart to the story. I won't re-write it, it is what it is, raw. If you write, write, if you sing, sing! It's ok to grieve this baby. You should grieve this baby in whatever way feels right to you.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

You might try writing out your experiences with the pregnancy. Like how you found out, people's reactions, how you told others, any morning sickness experiences, how you thought about/envisioned your baby, your dreams for labor and birth, how your new family would be, etc.

This is actually something I need to do for this pregnancy. I enjoyed the pregnancy so much and had such hopes for the baby, that I want to remember those things later, and I know the only way to remember is to write it out.


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## Momof4andAngels (Apr 8, 2008)

I lost my little one at 11 weeks, had my D&C at 12 weeks. I also didn't get a US pic, but will ask for one at my follow up.

I have also named my son, as he came to me in a dream the night before the D&C. He was so beautiful, he had Down Syndome, too. (Now, that was in the dream, I will never know if it was true, as we declined testing).

So, through naming him and hopefully getting a US pic and talking about him, that is how he is remembered. And although I have had 2 other losses(which I was not connected to emotionally as I didn't know I was pregnant) I will be telling people I have 4 living DC and one that was called home before birth.


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## Fantabulous (Apr 19, 2008)

I am sorry for your loss.

I am going to plant a tree for my little lost one this year. I already know what kind I am going to look for. A mimosa.


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## green_sturgeon (Feb 9, 2008)

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I like all the suggestions. I think I'm going to get myself a mommy necklace, with one charm for my living child and another for the lost baby. I might also plant something that flowers in April (which is still early spring here) or May, and I definitely want to write down my memories from the pregnancy.

And most of all, thanks for all the kind words, understanding, and assurances that it's okay to grieve and I'm not alone in my grief. Your words -- and the tears they brought on -- were just what I needed right now.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

Erika, I am so sorry. I am hoping to plant a garden to attract butterflys. At my sons funeral, the woman who spoke, talked about them and how they are signifigant...


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *green_sturgeon* 
I have doubts and uncertainty about how -- or if -- to let myself grieve someone who was not yet a fully formed person, not a person at all by some standards.

There are other standards available! Here, borrow mine!







Fully formed person is different from fully formed body. Our children are people as much as we are, and just as important.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *green_sturgeon* 
Any thoughts or stories to share? Suggestions or ways you remembered a miscarried baby?

Both of mine never got past looking like blobs, so I know what you mean about not having something to remember. We actually assigned gender to ours, based on what they "felt" like. We named them - middle names too. Their names and dates are written in my Bible. "Announcement"-type cards were sent out telling others about them. And I keep a box of stuff that we'd bought for them, my hospital bracelet, etc.

Most helpful to me has been putting their first names on a 2-stranded bracelet that I never take off.


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## joanq (Oct 27, 2005)

I got a tattoo on my back about a week after my first miscarriage. It is a shooting star which symbolized my little baby. It brought me a lot of peace and now I feel like I have a part of the baby with me always.

We are also going to plant an apple tree on May 30 (my due date). My mother planted a beautiful flower garden that is in bloom as we speak in memory as well. It is beautiful tulips, daffodils and forget me nots. In a month or two when the forget me nots go away there will be baby's breath in it's place. Every time I see the garden I think of my little baby.


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