# Kid in playgroup keeps hurting my son!



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Jackson is turning out to be a really gentle, sensitive toddler. And there is a little boy in our playgroup who is a lot more energetic and rougher physically. And lately he has taken to pushing Jackson down and smacking him. Jackson hasn't been very hurt; mostly his feelings are hurt and it just breaks my heart. Last week, when the other boy was leaning in to give Jack a 'sorry' hug, he changed his mind and smacked him again instead...

I know that kids do this and I know he will learn a lot of hard lessons from his peers in his life. But I find myself morphing into Mama Bear and wanting to keep this kid away from my baby!

I don't know that I feel comfortable giving the other boy's mama advice, but she did mention this last time feeling sort of at a loss about what to do. And I would be, too, in her situation. Here's how she has handled it - every time it happens, she grabs her son, tells him that hitting/pushing/whatever hurts people and their feelings and it isn't ok. Then, she shows him how Jackson is crying and says, "Jackson is crying because you hurt him when you pushed him down." Then, she asks him to hug Jackson to show he's sorry, which isn't something I would do, but doesn't seem necessarily bad. But, none of this is sinking in for this kid. He keeps doing this (it's happened 3 playdates in a row, and for some reason he has picked my kid to hurt...).

Any advice that I could pass on if an opportunity presents itself? Any advice for me? I have been comforting Jackson, obviously, and telling him stuff like, "Silas is learning about hitting/pushing/whatever. He is learning that it hurts other people when you do that."


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

I truly don't know. We have the same issue but the other girl's mom is very passive.

There is/was a thread on this just a bit ago. I think it was entitled "Do other toddlers hit?" and it may have been in the toddler section.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable talking to the other girl/mother, but I have taught my son to say "Stop it, I don't like that." Not perfect perhaps, but at least it gives him an outlet for his feelings. And, then he walks away and goes to a diff. activity.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

ITA about giving your son words. After an incident like that, I ask my son if he wants to say anything to the agressor. Often he'll just say, "Don't do that to me again!"

Also, I would gently suggest to the other mama that she teach her son to ASK if he can give a make-up hug, because your son might not want to be touched again. The other child would still be required by his mother to OFFER a hug, but your son could have the option to say "no thank you."


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## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

I guess I should have told you my son's age - he is 18 months (almost 19) and the other boy is just a couple weeks older. So, they don't have a lot of words at this point. I have asked Jackson if he wants to say anything to Silas, but he is usually too stunned to do much... When he was younger, if he was clear that someone had hurt him he would actually chew them out in his little baby language. But, not these days.

The other mom is really cool, and I think would be receptive to some suggestions. I think I'll start with the asking re: the make-up hug. Or at least the next time she asks her son to give Jackson a hug, I'll ask Jackson if he wants one (especially considering how the last 'make-up hug' ended up...).


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## tarasam (Mar 5, 2003)

Hi Tara (from another Tara)!









We went through this with our son. It was hard. Harder still because the other parent favored the "let them work it out on their own" approach, and there really wasn't any consequence for pushing/hitting/hurting other people. That bothered me, and confused our son.

What I do if Sam (our son) is the aggressor, is immediately step in and take him aside. I speak to him quietly but firmly and explain that hitting hurts and that it is not allowed. I also tell him that if he hits again, we will leave. If we are at home, it means that he needs to spend some time apart from the other child/ren...usually in another room. Once or twice we had to leave the playground or a playdate early because he hit or pushed the second time. I was always consistent and I think that helped Sam to learn the rule.

If Sam was the 'victim', I would immediately step in and ask him if he is okay, using my words if he has none at the moment, a la "wow, that really must have hurt when Johnny hit you. let's give him some space so his mommy can talk to him about why hitting is not allowed." Usually Johnny's mommy is involved at this point, but if she's not, it's sort of a cue for her to step in and do some damage control.

I've been in situations like yours where one child is repeatedly hurting mine. I would stay very close to Sam and if I saw that the other child was going to hurt him, I'd quietly say, "no hitting" and the boy would sort of snap out of it.

Good luck to you.
Tara


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

My older son, who was also a very sensitive, emotional, loving toddler, seemed to be the target of kids when he was your ds's age. There was one child especially who would do it all the time. I was always at a loss for what to do because the mom was never paying attention to him and was clueless that it was happening. It was tough because if the other boy pushed my son and he fell on his rear end, he would push him again so he would fall backward and hit his head. He didn't stop until my ds cried. It was very odd behavior. Strange thing is that when her dd got to about age 18 months, she started doing the same thing to my second ds. Why her kids targeted my kids is beyond me.

In this case, I think it is a case of ineffective parenting. The older one who is now 5 will run into me while riding a bigwheel at the tot gym. It's obviously not an accident, he's looking right at me. The younger one will kick kids in the face as they climb up the little climbing platform to go down a slide. It's sad really.

OTOH, if your children have spent a lot of time together, it could be the other child's way of saying "hi" as strange as it seems. Hitting often isn't "hitting" to a toddler in terms of being mean. It is simply their way of interacting. You can usually tell if this is the case. If it is just one whack, that may be the case. If it is followed up by more, there may be more to it. It's a tough situation, but one that will eventually resolve itself. It's especially hard if it is your first child that is taking the whacks. My second child turned out to be one of the "Hi" hitters. I had to watch him everywhere, because not everyone correctly interpreted his "invitation" to play.







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## Charmie981 (May 30, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by tarasam_
*If Sam was the 'victim', I would immediately step in and ask him if he is okay, using my words if he has none at the moment, a la "wow, that really must have hurt when Johnny hit you. let's give him some space so his mommy can talk to him about why hitting is not allowed." Usually Johnny's mommy is involved at this point, but if she's not, it's sort of a cue for her to step in and do some damage control.*
I love this suggestion. I have the same problem with my DS being the one that's constantly getting picked on or run over (although you have to watch him b/c now that he has the reputation as the underdog, he's getting to be underhanded at times too!), and I just never know how to deal with parents who don't CARE that their kid is plowing mine over ever time they're together.


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