# More birthday party issues - no gifts please



## sphinx (Mar 13, 2003)

Hi, i've been lurking on the other birthday party thread and wanted to ask others about the "no gifts" trend. I was living in the States when my dd was 0-4, and every birthday invitation said "no gifts please" - mostly due to the materialism issue, I'm assuming. The families were fairly well off, the kids would be getting too many gifts from grandparents anyway, etc. Well we were pretty broke and, going to 1 or 2 birthday parties a month, I honestly couldn't AFFORD to bring a gift, plus I could never think of any appropriate crafty thing to make, and what do you give the kid who has everything?, so I would just have dd draw a picture as a card and then didn't bring anything beyond that. But at every single party I was the only one who actually heeded the invitation. So then I was embarrassed and felt like a jerk. Then when dd's birthday rolled around and I wrote "no gifts please" everyone brought a gift. What's your experience with this?


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I hear you! It is such a good idea (the no gifts rule) but invariably, someone (many times many people) don't follow it - which leaves those who do to feel funny. It is a real bummer.

I have found that people find it easier to follow if you do something small and specific. A book party for example. Or something like that. It is still a bunch of gifts but not so MUCH if you kwim.

I think the problem comes in that many kids like to choose a gift for their friend. And we have an expectation that kid party means bring a gift so you are fighting "tradition" as well as the fact that people worry that not bringing a gift will make them look cheap.

My kids have so much - we could get rid of half and they'd still have plenty. I have actually been working on that lately and no one misses what we take out.

The only party I've been to where the "no gifts please" rule was actually almost completely followed was one where the mom wrote on the invite "we will NOT LET YOU IN if you bring a gift - NO gifts please!" I think if you just write "no gifts please" that is a nice way of saying you don't have to bring one but people still do. It is actually stressful when people write that because then you have to make the call as to whether or not you'll follow as asked. But if you do and the other kids don't and your kid is sad because she didn't bring a gift - it is really a bummer!


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Oh, I would LOVE for "no gifts" to become a viable option - one that people actually follow.

I thought about including something like this in the invitation: "No gifts, please. We are trying to teach our child that the most important part of the party is spending time with her friends. We would appreciate your assistance in this. Thank you."

Maybe something like that in the invitation would deter over-eager gift givers.

I also really like the idea of a book party, if "no gifts" just doesn't work. A good book doesn't have to be expensive, and would use a minimum of wrapping (which also costs money).

I'd also like to see wrapping gifts in cloth become less out of the ordinary, more mainstream. But maybe that's another thread, ha ha.


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## zo's ma (Mar 4, 2003)

The son of a friend of mine was invited to a b-day party in November where they asked that you bring an unwrapped gift for a child of 10-12 years to be donated to(ugh! can't remember specifically, but to charity.) I also saw in the newspaper where a little girl asks for dog food for her birthday and then donates it to the shelter....she's been doing it for years.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zo's ma*
\they asked that you bring an unwrapped gift for a child of 10-12 years to be donated to(ugh! can't remember specifically, but to charity.)

Brilliant! Satisfies the attendees' needs to select a gift and satisfies the family's need to not get inundated with gifts AND benefits those less fortunate! Truly a WIN-WIN-WIN situation!

Namaste!


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

We have recently been invited to a party where the invite asked for a donation to Make a Wish.

Some parents did not like this at all suprisingly. They didn't like being "told" to make a donation.

One expressed the view to the mom of the b-day kid. She said "well, her grandparents and aunts and uncles give her sooo many gifts, we thought a donation would be better." And the other person said. "WELL why don't you tell her aunts and uncles and granparents to give the donation and have the rest of us do what we want!"

So nothing makes everyone happy, I guess.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I have never had folks honor our wish not to bring presents. Instead, I say when the mom asks, something small or a book is fine.


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

Some great suggestions here! We had a bday party for ds's 4th--first party, and we did no gift. In the invite, I wrote something like, "Instead of a gift, please bring something yummy for a potluck lunch." Everyone respected the request. The no gift thing has pretty much become the tradition in our circle of friends. We've also been to a used toy exchange party and a used book exchange party--everyone brings a book or toy he or she is done with, and then takes home a "new" one. A lot of our friends are on tight budgets, us included, and laying out money for a gift plus paper/card (which I never buy, and I always seem to have gift bags around to reuse), isn't just small potatoes. Our kids get PLENTY from their grandparents, so they really don't need another pile of stuff from their friends. I guess it has just become the tradition in the US to bring a gift to a child's bday party.


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## ellemoon (Mar 19, 2003)

We were invited to a party where we were asked to bring books that were then donated to the local library.

ellen


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## jraohc (Nov 5, 2004)

DD isn't ready for b-day parties, although I guess when she turns one we'll be expected to have one for with some family and close friends. I like some of the ideas presented in this post - book party, all gifts will be donated to someone who needs them, party with a theme like a used toy exchange party (although that doesn't feel like a birthday party, but I guess that's a good part of the problem). I don't know why, but I have issues with the "in lieu of gifts give a donation" thing for a kids birthday party, but I think that's because it's so uncommon. I wish it was more common, but I also wish gifts were less common.

I have issues with gift-giving in general. My parents give us gifts, but usually they give us a gift because my mom found something that she thought we would like and appreciate. They occasionally miss birthdays/holidays and never give us anniversary or other gifts, although sometimes give us random gifts that were truly appreciated. My il's, on the other hand, believe it's necessary to give gifts at certain times of the year. DH gets them mother/father day gifts, birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, and chanukah gifts. They get us birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, and chanukah gifts. Not only do they give us gifts me "everything", they have this "we have to spend $x for this occasion and $y for this occasion." While it's nice that they give us all this stuff, that's really all it is. They don't seem to spend as much time actually thinking about things that we would truly appreciate and many of the gifts feel like "well, we have to get you something and this is expensive, so it's perfect." I already know this is going to be an issue with dd - well, it already is an issue with dd (and she's only 7 months old). The amount of pure junk she has already received from them is absurd. The amount of nice toys and stuff dd plays with is remarkable. At least at this point she's getting clothes because baby clothes are so much fun to buy (I think we've bought her maybe a dozen outfits in her 7 months because family has bought her so much - her wardrobe is definitely not lacking).

Anyway, back to the original post (sorry for being so long-winded) - I really wish people would actually head the "no gifts" plee. At the very least if you feel compelled to bring a gift to a no-gift party, have the decency to give it at a time when no one else will know or feel disappointed or embarrassed that they missed out.


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

It didn't occur to me that people wouldn't follow the no-gifts request. I guess I will have to be more explicit, maybe talk to people one-on one, or think of another option for people. This really annoys dh and I we really don't want our son focused on things, I would love for his grandparents to volunteer some time to actually come visit ds at our house instead of us always making the trip, perhaps I could suggest that. Certificates for visits, making memories, etc.
amanda


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## KermitMissesJim (Feb 12, 2004)

The invite for my ds' 3rd birthday party was a poem I wrote myself. One line said, "your presence (not presents) is our request." Most people followed it well (we live in poor student housing, after all). To make sure no one felt bad, we put the presents inside and ds opened them after the party was over, along with the gifts we gave him, plus my parents and dh's parents.

Dd's birthday is in December. I should do some sort of "giving tree" for her gifts. My children have so much and we are blessed.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zo's ma*
The son of a friend of mine was invited to a b-day party in November where they asked that you bring an unwrapped gift for a child of 10-12 years to be donated to(ugh! can't remember specifically, but to charity.) I also saw in the newspaper where a little girl asks for dog food for her birthday and then donates it to the shelter....she's been doing it for years.

I am someone who this kind of rubs the wrong way. I don't like to be directed to purchase a particular item. I come from the POV that it is a bit tacky for the honoree of a special occasion to *ever* indicate in any way that they might be anticipating gifts. JMO.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wakeUpMama*
I come from the POV that it is a bit tacky for the honoree of a special occasion to *ever* indicate in any way that they might be anticipating gifts. JMO.

Part of me agrees, but part of me thinks it is a little out of date. A lot of these ettiqute rules were established (and btw, these rules were all about the social insecurity of the emerging middle-classes and thier aping the rules of the upper classes) in the early twentieth century before, for example, gift quanity and waste was such a problem. Things weren't so cheap then.

Now, we need new rules or need to let go of our reliance on the old rules.

We ran into this with our wedding announcements. Not that we we didn't want anything (we didn't, but big deal), no, we didn't want people to feel/think that because we sent them an annoucement they were obliged to get us something. We were just sharing our news. But we couldn't put "no gifts," cause that would be tacky. So we pretty much were not able to send announcements to distant relatives who we don't see/talk to much since it would "look" like we were just contacting them to ask for a gift. I do feel like that when I get wedding invitations or graduattion announcements from dh's neices and nephews - some of whom he has never met or hasn't seen since he or they were in elementary school.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wakeUpMama*
I am someone who this kind of rubs the wrong way. I don't like to be directed to purchase a particular item. I come from the POV that it is a bit tacky for the honoree of a special occasion to *ever* indicate in any way that they might be anticipating gifts. JMO.

I think gift registries for personal consumption are tacky, but I think that providing people with an opportunity to donate to those less fortunate is admirable. Besides, it's pretty much a given that gifts are taken to children's birthday parties, so it's not like asking people to bring a gift for charity is begging for gifts from those who otherwise would not bring them. If you don't like to be directed to buy things, don't buy anything! Simple as that!

Namaste!


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## Linda KS (Oct 30, 2004)

When I RSVP to an invitation, I always ask what sort of things the child would like and then respect whatever the parent has said. We've only been invited to 1 "no gifts" party and my kids thought is was a horrid idea -- they insisted we take something. I talked to them about why the parents had most likely asked that guests not bring gifts. We decided that a gift certificate to go to the zoo with our family would meet the request of the parents while letting my kids give the birthday child something special.









My kids' parties are usually small and we limit how many gifts extended family can buy for them, so the gifts aren't usually a big deal for us. The last BD party at our house was attended by a total of 9 kids from 4 families, so there were 4 gifts. When people ask what my kids want, I always say books or art supplies.

If our lives were to change such that my kids were having over 20 kids from 20 families, there is NO WAY I would want that many toys coming into my home. Letting the BD child select a charity and requesting donations to it makes more sense.


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## sphinx (Mar 13, 2003)

It gets tricky, doesn't it? Because I think it's nice to give and receive gifts, and I think kids should feel special on their birthday. And I think the guests should have opportunities to give. But when you add it all up, it's just too much stuff!


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