# Helpin' Hubby (and me!)



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey Girls,
Need some help here. We lost our only baby when I was just 3 weeks along. Dh has been a jewel. He cares. He's compassionate. He lets me cry and talk on and on and on.
But dh doesn't _understand_. He doesn't seem able to understand that there was a _person_ in my tummy. He can't see that we actually have a baby.

Obviously, that's pretty nice from his perspective! But obviously, it's not nice for me.

Let me be clear, dh is NOT lacking understanding on purpose. I think he'd like to be able to see reality. He's just stuck.
If you can think of something to say that might help him know he really is a daddy, please help us out.
We have no other kids to make comparisons to. I never had a belly bump.
It's been 3 1/2 months now and I just can't figure out how to get this across.

And by all means, please be nice! He's very likely going to read your responses too!
Thank you so much. This'll help us a ton.
Prayin'


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Bump.
Really wanting some ideas here!


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

I feel bad that you're not getting the replies you hoped for.
I just want you to know that I really gave a lot of thought about your post but I felt my repsonse isn't what you wanted, but I'm posting so you won't feel like no one listening, (well that's the way I feel when my posts don't get much traffic).

I think that each person is entitled to their own reality. While your Dh's isn't at the same point as you, I personally don't see it as not understand or not accepting your reality, it's just different than yours.

My Dh also doesn't/didn't have an attachment to the loss I just had. My reality included lots of pg symptons (swollen boobs, morning sickness, being crazy tired, etc) that were very personal for me but nothing Dh could really experience and thus not part of his reality. For him, it was more Dw is having one of her normally wacky cycles and funky bleeding. He did worry about my health but I don't think he ever tried to think of life with another dc, which was something I did a bunch.

So yes, I get no support from him, though I don't really ask for it. I find the gals on this board the best place to get support from. People that have btdt.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

I think with my DH it was just as hard, but I agree with chel, there wasn't much of a physical attachment for him, whereas with our 2 sons he could feel them move, see them on the u/s. Not to say that he didn't grieve for the baby, just in a different way. There wasn't much comfort he could give me aside from the hugs, or holding me when I bawled my eyes out. But just being there for me was enough. I reached a point after I was angry with him, to accept that what else could he really do? I know he wanted the baby as much as I did.

As far as you being so newly pregnant when it happened, I think maybe it's harder for some to grasp that even though there's nothing to see yet, it was a baby. Personally, I think as soon as that stick turns positive it's a baby. Some people just don't agree with it and that's their perspective, but I know that I hurt just as much losing the baby I never got to see or hold.

Hugs to you mama and sorry for your loss


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

I'll be coming back later to post, I'm sorry I don't have time right now, but didn't want to pass you by.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

My dh had a very similar reaction to yours. He was very supportive of my need to grieve, but he was hardly connected at all with the baby and so not with the loss. He told me that for him with our ds the pregnancy became more emotionally real for him when he saw ds at the ultrasound. When we went to the ultrasound for this one there was nothing to see, so he never had that experience.

I agree with pp that we all have our own experiences--your dh's and my dh's are what they and are valid. Sometimes it was extremely lonely and weird and sad to me that it seemed like I was the only one who was really mourning the loss of the baby I was pg with. So sometimes I wished it was different. I also am extremely grateful that he supported me in my grief process so much.

In regards to him being a daddy. My experience of my second pregnancy and miscarriage was that I was a mama to a baby spirit for a little while and that it did some good. I really connected to a spirit. Clearly in my case (and it sounds like in yours) there was much more of a mama experience than a daddy experience. But that mama experience wouldn't have happened about the daddies. So we are all linked in this amazing process of little spirit's journey's that is so much bigger than us.

I hope that helps.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

K, so general concensus seems to be that we shouldn't bother thinking the dh's are going to comprehend. That they aren't really even able, but if they're nice to us that's good enough. Therefore, us girls just need to be there for each other and leave the poor dh's alone.

Does that sound accurate to y'all? Oh, and thank you!


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
K, so general concensus seems to be that we shouldn't bother thinking the dh's are going to comprehend. That they aren't really even able, but if they're nice to us that's good enough. Therefore, us girls just need to be there for each other and leave the poor dh's alone.

Does that sound accurate to y'all? Oh, and thank you!

Hmmmm, I was going to post, but I'm not really sure how to take this? Are you being sarcastic? Are you frustrated because you're not getting the answers you're looking for? Is it just the written word that makes it come across that way? Seriously, I don't want to hurt you when you're obviously already hurting, but I'm not sure what you're looking for here.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Colorado,
Nope. No sarcasm. Just trying to see if that really is the general thought. It may be obvious to y'all, but it was so diff from the answers I expected that I wanted to make sure.
DH's following along to - nothing you said surprised him I don't think. Guess it's just me.
Prayin


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Colorado,
K, so general concensus seems to be that we shouldn't bother thinking the dh's are going to comprehend. That they aren't really even able, but if they're nice to us that's good enough. Therefore, us girls just need to be there for each other and leave the poor dh's alone.

Does that sound accurate to y'all? Oh, and thank you!


It's not what exactly I meant. It's a bit more generalized than what I meant.

I wrote about my experience which seems similar to yours, but I think different people have different kinds of and levels of connections with a pregnancy and a baby's spirit--that applies to both women and men. In my experience the women tend to be more connected, though some aren't. Sometimes the men aren't connected at all, though some are very much so.

So unless you have some good reason to believe your husband isn't being honest with you about his experience, or not honest with himself, I'd accept it for what it is. But I don't think the way it is for you two and for us two is how it is for every couple.

I'm guessing you might be disappointed it's going that way. I definitely read about some of the couples that hold each other while both are crying and, while I don't wish sadness on anyone, it seems like it would be nice not to be so alone in my grief. You can grieve not getting that too.

I hope this helps in some way.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaturMama* 
I wrote about my experience which seems similar to yours, but I think different people have different kinds of and levels of connections with a pregnancy and a baby's spirit--that applies to both women and men. In my experience the women tend to be more connected, though some aren't. Sometimes the men aren't connected at all, though some are very much so.

Very well said WaturMama


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## jampoos (Aug 4, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Grief on one side and trying to understand, validate and compare your's and DH's emotions on the other side can become confusing, for lack of a better word.

Like all the posts earlier said - everyone has a different way and level of grieving. In general women may feel more connected to the pregnancy in the earlier months, though i think men establish their connections, in different ways to women, in the later months of the pregnancy. We lots our dear son, at full term four months back, and I physically and emotionally miss our son all the time. But DH misses him when we go camping, or when he sees something cool, or seeing other Dads - for him the missing is not tied with due dates and birthdays but with things that he thought he would do with our son. And i remember in the early months of the pregnancy he could not associate with me being obsessed with the 'little one' inside because he had not started dreaming just yet.

I am not sure if the above helps, but all in all i would say don't analyse too much, as, whatever your DH feels is as justified as what you feel. All that matters is that you are sensitive to each other's feelings.

Hugs to you
Jampoos


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## Traceyky (Aug 26, 2007)

((((((hugs mama))))))

My husband is a fantastic, involved daddy. He cares deeply - but he does not really connect with our babies till he can feel them. I am thankful that he loves me, cares for me - and do my best to understand when he does not feel a loss like I do. That mren and women, despite the protest of many - really are different. I am sorry for your loss... TraceyKy


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Colorado,
Nope. No sarcasm. Just trying to see if that really is the general thought. It may be obvious to y'all, but it was so diff from the answers I expected that I wanted to make sure.
DH's following along to - nothing you said surprised him I don't think. Guess it's just me.
Prayin

That's why I asked! Sometimes things just come across differently when they're written down, you know? I talked to dh about this. We've had two miscarriages. With the first one, I was kind of upset that he wasn't upset! I mean, he was, but not like I was. He is an amazing dad, but he has trouble connecting with the kiddos while they're inside of me. The moment they come out they, he feels completely connected with them. Our second loss was different for me. I knew that he didn't feel connected with the babies, so I just focused on me. I was able to get more comfort from him that way - plus he was a little more experience and better at comforting!!! He was sad about our losses but he just didn't "get" it the way I did. He says he thinks it has a lot to do with hormones (I think he's right), plus we have the physical symptoms as well. Guys don't have that. It sounds to me like you're feeling alone in your grief. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your frustration. I hope you can find some comfort and peace.


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