# "She just has to learn...." from in-laws and grandparents...



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

ARGH. I'm starting to hear this a lot. And with Christmas coming up I can hear the chorus, and not a happy one.

DD is 22 months old and is VERY active. DH parents are very frou frou, have a lovely house full of many breakable things, expensive china, light coloured furniture, dainty things EVERYWHERE. At a recent birthday I spent 95% of my time not enjoying the visit with family, but trying to avoid DD breaking their nice things.

To be fair, MIL moved some of the things she didn't want broken. But, there was one very beautiful and ornate vase that stood on the floor. DD kept lunging at it and trying to knock it over, despite my best efforts I wasn't able to get her interested in anything else. AT that point I asked FIL if I could move it to a safer place, his response "NO. She just has to learn." Eventually I snuck it out of her reach but was really put off by his response. When he discovered I moved it he wasn't very happy with me either...I was just tired of sticking around the same corner protecting the vase.

DH's grandmother does the same, "she just has to learn", to sit at the table and wait until everyone is finished, to not knock things over, etc etc.

I'm really unsure how to respond to this because my feeling is, yeah, she'll learn but not today, and I'd rather not have her break their stuff! They have very unrealistic expectations of what a 22 month old will learn and seem oblivious to the fact that their stubbornness makes these visits stressful and something I'd rather not do at all.

Thoughts?


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## BohoMama (Jun 26, 2003)

I've been there, mama. Even worse, we share a cottage with DH's uncle who left not only many medications but also a GUN!!! within reach of our son (11 months old at the time) and Uncle shrugged it off with "He's got to learn and if he doesn't you should make him learn (i.e.: hit him)." (Don't worry, we did get the nasty stuff out of the way and we did not hit our son, and if my relationship with Uncle V. was changed forever, I do not regret it as a sacrifice to our son's safety.)

You probably can't change your MIL's attitude (though it's nice that she moved a few things). However, time is on your side. Really, we are probably just talking about a few months until there is dramatic improvement. Your child will learn to control her impulses and take an interest in more appropriate things than frou-frou decor. As for Xmas, there are usually so many other captivating things around (lights, shiny things, presents, toys, sweets) that she may entirely forget about granny's porcelain collectibles and antiques.

Besides the inevitable Xmas visit, how often do you go there? If your visits are not frequent, your daughter's development will seem to go by leaps and bounds. Also, what about spending time with granny outside the house? Taking walks together, visiting a little snack bar with your child, playing in the garden or a park? Besides removing your daughter from the source of temptation it will also help her work off some of her energy.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

and she will learn, she will not be 22 months old forever and she will learn to leave things alone as she grows older and but why do they need to torture you in the process?

i would state simply that you would really like to spend time with them, but at their house you are basically a nervous wreck protecting their trinkets and that unless your next visit is dramatically more relaxing for you that you wont be going. it is hugely unfair to you - i am assuming that you are doing all the running while they sit around and look disapprovingly at you?

i would not go somewhere where i have to work so hard with out help or co-operation from other people.


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## Enudely (Jul 2, 2005)

I would tell them that this is my child, and my philosophy at this age happens to be one of controlling the environment and not the child. I would say that I believe it is unrealistic to expect a 22 month old to have that sort of impulse control and that I'm not willing to compromise my relationship with my child by trying to discipline her in a way that is not age appropriate.
I would tell them that I'm sorry, but if they can't accommodate us, they will have to come to our house for X-mas (or have it without us)
good luck! Be strong!


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## lindsayjean (Jun 17, 2006)

This is hard! I am a bit nervous about Christmas with my inlaws this year because they are hardcore babywise and the Ezzo's (very very strict parenting) and it's going to be hard for them to understand my "lack of discipline." But honestly, I guess I have no problem telling them "we do this and we do it because of this" I'll probably just say things like we don't believe in time outs because of X, Y, and Z and I appreciate your respect of our parenting decisions. It helps if your husband sticks up for it too if it is his family. That always helps us!!

I guess I'm used to conflicting ideas with my inlaws... they're vegan and we're trad food. Polar opposites haha. THey know they aren't going to change our opinions and we aren't going to change theirs.

I would maybe ask in advance if they could possibly move some things before you got there so you don't have to ask in the moment. If they want the toddler there they should be willing to accomodate!


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## Ellen Griswold (Feb 27, 2008)

Coming from a woman whose own dh describes his grandparents' house as "a museum without the velvet ropes" I understand your frustrations. For a long time it was TORTURE to visit there with ds. My dd is marginally better, only because she has terrible separation anxiety right now. I'm sure that you have tried to pack toys for her, only to have her ignore them in favor of the fragile things. If you don't go there often, could you try something new to keep her occupied? And, maybe do yourself a favor and set a time limit for being there? When ds was about that age, we would mysteriously always have other plans that we would have to get to. Hopefully, by Christmas time some of this will have already changed. Good luck.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My Mother in law's house was the same way. I hated family gatherings because I had to follow my child all over while her Dad sat and watched TV. (I was more angry at Dad than anybody)

I also think kids need to learn. It's obviously my job to protect the stuff she is trying to destroy, just like it's my job to protect her. Kids do need to learn. Otherwise you have three year olds who think everything is for them to touch, push or throw.

You (the inlaws) need to think ahead of time though. Only leave out what you can stand to have broken.

One Christmas, I had a bathtub drain break and there was water everywhere, under the closet carpet, under the living room carpet, so I stayed home to try to dry everthing out while Daddy took our dd to Nana's house. While under her Dad's care, she broke a nativity piece. I was strangely satisfied, because that meant that HE had to spend his Holiday chasing her around the house. They all blamed me, because if I had taught her better that never would have happened. (she was 18 months) But, my thoughts are if you REALLLLLLY loved that piece, you would put it out of her reach. By the next year, she wasn't getting into everything anymore.


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## ShantiJourney (Oct 10, 2008)

I completely feel your anxiety and frustration. My in-laws are of the same school of thought -DS needs to learn- and their house is full of breakables with everything in it's place. My FIL actually suggested once that we all carry around a pin needle and poke DS with everytime he touched something he shouldn't, because that is "how he learned". WTF.....When he said that I almost fell off my chair, my jaw droped and I paused waiting for some indication that he was making a really dumb joke. Nope he was serious! They now know that they are never, ever allowed to to lay a finger (or a pin) on DS. As far as the breakables go I eventually told MIL that yes, DS would sooner or later learn to be around all her stuff, but it made me feel very uncomfortable for her things to be the test subjects. So unless she was fully prepared for DS to "learn" that her things were breakable by him expiramenting and most likely breaking some items then we would either not come or she could put her stuff away.
MIL decided on a comprimise, she puts away her precious items and those that could really hurt DS if broken all the rest was fair game. He has actually only ever broken 1 item and that inspired MIL to create a "special DS cupboard" with toys and cars that are just for DS to play with when we visit. He runs right for it as soon as his shoes are off, and never touches any of MIL things now. I can now breath again when we go to visit.

I know the stress of the situation and hopefully it all works out for you.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

It's really hard for a child that has a superbaby proofed home to go to a home where things are left out. I didn't want this for my kids, so after the first kid.... I only moved things that were super valuable or could hurt them. I still left out knicknacks and breakables....just the ones I was willing to sacrifice during the teaching process. As a result, my second child (the more wild and crazy of the two) was much easier to keep out of things at other people's homes than my first child (the mellow one). I'm not saying this to get you rilled up, just so that you might consider it as an option for your next kiddo.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Swan3* 
But, there was one very beautiful and ornate vase that stood on the floor. DD kept lunging at it and trying to knock it over, despite my best efforts I wasn't able to get her interested in anything else. AT that point I asked FIL if I could move it to a safer place, his response "NO. She just has to learn." Thoughts?

How about: "Okay, but I'd rather she not learn cause and effect from breaking your valuables. How about we move it just in case?"

And we just used the suggestion of "one finger touch" at that age. Worked really well for us. (And my first is crazy active and clumsy._


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Subbing...My ils are the same way and I'm dreading the holidays. I'm trying to think of snappy comebacks that don't go into a lot of detail (dh's family have very short attention spans...especially when you disagree w/ them) and aren't offensive but will get them off my back! Good luck OP!


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## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oliversmum2000* 
and she will learn, she will not be 22 months old forever and she will learn to leave things alone as she grows older and but why do they need to torture you in the process?

i would state simply that you would really like to spend time with them, but at their house you are basically a nervous wreck protecting their trinkets and that unless your next visit is dramatically more relaxing for you that you wont be going. it is hugely unfair to you - i am assuming that you are doing all the running while they sit around and look disapprovingly at you?

i would not go somewhere where i have to work so hard with out help or co-operation from other people.

A BIG







:

I'm on my third toddler, so I am learning slowly but surely. I don't get into debates about things like this anymore, but I'm not running around if I don't have to, to protect people's stuff if they can't move it. I just say,

"we love your company, but Noah is super busy right now and into *everything* so you are more than welcome at our house any time!







I love to relax and visit with you and I just don't feel I can do that at your house because I am on edge and paranoid something is going to get broken by accident and I honestly don't want to spend the whole visit chasing him around. It's not fun for me or anyone else around."

We told everyone we are going nowhere for Christmas and anyone who wants to see us is absolutely welcome to come and visit us. But we are not traveling with 3 kids and then spending the entire visit chasing Noah around (who is only 15 months and *really* doesn't get it yet about not touching things







)

Anyways, the thing to remember is like the other PP's said, it won't last forever.









Oh! And the other thing I've learned, is very rarely will you get your parents or in-laws to come around in their way of thinking to see your way of thinking. I just smile and nod and go about my way of doing things and don't even get into it with them anymore. That works the best for me 'cause I got tired of all the debates and who is right vs who is wrong yk?







Things are much more peaceful now and I still get my way.









Hang in there!


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
It's really hard for a child that has a superbaby proofed home to go to a home where things are left out. I didn't want this for my kids, so after the first kid.... I only moved things that were super valuable or could hurt them. I still left out knicknacks and breakables....just the ones I was willing to sacrifice during the teaching process. As a result, my second child (the more wild and crazy of the two) was much easier to keep out of things at other people's homes than my first child (the mellow one). I'm not saying this to get you rilled up, just so that you might consider it as an option for your next kiddo.

Love these suggestions, thanks!


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oliversmum2000* 
i would state simply that you would really like to spend time with them, but at their house you are basically a nervous wreck protecting their trinkets and that unless your next visit is dramatically more relaxing for you that you wont be going. it is hugely unfair to you - i am assuming that you are doing all the running while they sit around and look disapprovingly at you?

HOW did you know??? Yes, lots of disapproving looks and even comments from great step-grandma (who had one daughter who had no children of her own). "At my house, they had to learn early. You just need to teach them." ARGH!!!







:


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Polite:
"I'm so sorry, we can't come over."

Rude, but doable:
"no, *you* just have to learn that there are some things you need to do in order to have us visit you."

Rude, but satisfying to think about:
*break fragile object yourself* "oops."


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
It's really hard for a child that has a superbaby proofed home to go to a home where things are left out. I didn't want this for my kids, so after the first kid.... I only moved things that were super valuable or could hurt them. I still left out knicknacks and breakables....just the ones I was willing to sacrifice during the teaching process. As a result, my second child (the more wild and crazy of the two) was much easier to keep out of things at other people's homes than my first child (the mellow one). I'm not saying this to get you rilled up, just so that you might consider it as an option for your next kiddo.









And $10 would get you dozens of fragile items from Goodwill to practice touching gently with one finger at no risk to any of your items with history.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShantiJourney* 
I completely feel your anxiety and frustration. My in-laws are of the same school of thought -DS needs to learn- and their house is full of breakables with everything in it's place. My FIL actually suggested once that we all carry around a pin needle and poke DS with everytime he touched something he shouldn't, because that is "how he learned".

Nice of your FIL to tell you how to teach him not to say stupid things about your parenting.


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## southernmommie (Jan 7, 2007)

go to the bathroom and let her break that vase or anything else. Then respond with, "was I suppose to not go to the bathroom?"


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Polite:
"I'm so sorry, we can't come over."

Rude, but doable:
"no, *you* just have to learn that there are some things you need to do in order to have us visit you."

Rude, but satisfying to think about:
*break fragile object yourself* "oops."









:

I especially like the last one!


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz* 
I'm on my third toddler,

i too am on my 3rd toddler with another baby on the way. i am a much more confident mother now than i was with my first, i am a lot happier to stand up for myself, and ay i am not doing that i have rights and i have a right to peace and that being at your house gives me the opposite of peace!!


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Polite:
"I'm so sorry, we can't come over."

Rude, but doable:
"no, *you* just have to learn that there are some things you need to do in order to have us visit you."

Rude, but satisfying to think about:
*break fragile object yourself* "oops."









:

really, really, really mean:
"i'll remember your suggestions when your walker/shakey hand breaks my nice stuff. oh never mind, we'll have put you in a old folks home by then. hopefully, the little ones will remember you at Christmas..."








i wouldn't say it out loud of course. i did say something similar to my dad when he was getting all riled up about the kids being "too loud". he laughed, but he got it.


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## Shaki (Mar 15, 2006)

To the "She has to learn" comment.
With a gentle smile:
She will.
She will in her own time.
She's learning all the time.
We're working on it.
We're working on it. But it ain't instant mashed potatoes! Know what I'm saying? (wink)

As pp's have said there's no point getting into a big thing. It's not worth it.

Also we've found the one finger touch rule to work well for us.

Good luck. The holidays are so stressful...


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i haven't read all the responses yet so I'm sorry if this is a repeat...

but wouldn't they be the ones who learn? b/c i doubt she'll be to broken up about it if the vase breaks.. but they might miss it.

they might also learn that children can get hurt when things break... and that instead of being stubborn and silly they should invest more time in protecting their grandchild until she is OLD ENOUGH to learn.

don't you wonder about them sometimes? this happens with my in laws and im like.. uh.. did you ever have little kids or did DP and SIS just appear in your living room at 7yrs old?


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## BohoMama (Jun 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
but wouldn't they be the ones who learn? b/c i doubt she'll be to broken up about it if the vase breaks.. but they might miss it.


Ha, ha, ha. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Now let's see a show of hands from everyone who has successfully changed their in-laws' views of discipline and child rearing!!! I posted above about our uncle who insisted on leaving drugs and guns within reach. And let me tell youz, I cut my teeth as a young mother fighting that battle as well as a few other with my MIL. They have not changed their views one bit, but they are far less likely now to cross ME when I defend my DCs. I have made it not worth their while.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
they might also learn that children can get hurt when things break... and that instead of being stubborn and silly they should invest more time in protecting their grandchild until she is OLD ENOUGH to learn.

It is more usually "stuff" that gets broken than the child that gets injured, and most minor injuries heal without a trace, but that Ming vase can never be replaced....

As for Sapphire_Chan's "Rude, but doable" suggestion of:
"no, you just have to learn that there are some things you need to do in order to have us visit you"...it is not very practical.

In my most toxic and vengeful fantasies I say these sorts of things, but in RL it is not possible to mouth off like this because, after all, these benighted people are DH's closest relatives. Even if I would be all too happy to never see them again, he needs to keep up his relationship with them and since I love him I have to respect that fact. And they are elderly and do not travel much, so limiting visits to our house also doesn't work. Telling your DP or his relatives that you will withhold visits until they comply with your wishes and expectations is not feasible in most families. Unfortunately. Or fortunately? If we are looking at family cohesion as a value itself that we should hold onto and try to preserve?

***As a totally random aside, did you know that in some areas of England where they had Witch Trials, the people most often accused and persecuted as "witches" were mothers-in-law who were sent up by their own children???******

Ahem. If the OP is in a similar situation to many of the rest of us and she can't threaten to withhold visits or brandish the _Malleus Maleficarum_ at her in-laws, let's try to keep the discussion within the bounds of real possibilities.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Swan3* 
yeah, she'll learn but not today, and I'd rather not have her break their stuff!

I would say this to them, exactly. I would also help myself to moving whatever it is that is tempting her, or telling them I won't be able to bring her for visits until she's old enough to not break things because it's just too stressful and not enjoyable, you can't visit and chat, blah blah blah.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Swan3* 

I'm really unsure how to respond to this because my feeling is, yeah, she'll learn but not today, and I'd rather not have her break their stuff! They have very unrealistic expectations of what a 22 month old will learn and seem oblivious to the fact that their stubbornness makes these visits stressful and something I'd rather not do at all.


i haven't read the responses, but i would say something very much like this: "oh yes, we are teaching her. but in the meantime i don't want to take chances with her breaking your stuff. please tell me where i can put these objects out of her reach, and i will be happy to move them back before we leave."

make it clear that if the objects are not moved, you're not guaranteeing they won't get broken. something like: "i can't keep my eye on her at every moment, so if we don't move this stuff, it's likely she will break something."


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I agree with the suggestion of saying, "Yes she does have to learn, but I don't want her to learn on YOUR stuff."


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Great suggestions everyone! I'll have to practice them in the days coming up!


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## vrclay (Jun 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shaki* 
To the "She has to learn" comment.
With a gentle smile:
She will.
She will in her own time.
She's learning all the time.
We're working on it.
We're working on it. But it ain't instant mashed potatoes! Know what I'm saying? (wink)

As pp's have said there's no point getting into a big thing. It's not worth it.

Also we've found the one finger touch rule to work well for us.

Good luck. The holidays are so stressful...









Thanks for these. I've really been worried about my own in-laws...


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I lived with my family for a while when dd was this age and there were some things in the house that just couldn't be moved out of her reach, they had a lot of really big potted plants that my mother used fertilizer on and dd wanted to eat the dirt, she has also wanted to climb on the table and run into the street on several occassions, and she just did have to learn through lots of redirection and being moved away from these things that I wasn't going to let her eat fertilized dirt, climb on the families table, or run into the street. I am sorry it is stressful for you, I remember how much effort it took and how tiring it was to be with dd all the time until dd did get used to not doing these things. It seemed like she would get used to not doing something that the family was very against being done in her home and then decide to try out for something really dangerous next. I used to wish she'd try for everything all at once so that we could get it all over with instead of the one at a time thing. I think it is nice that they said your dd just has to learn, leaving the door open to you teaching your child how to respect their boundaries rather than telling you that you just have to hit your child so she will learn.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I am of the mindset that you should not expect someone to childproof their home for your child, even grandparents. Children should be taught not to touch other people's things. Some people don't seem to think that. They seem to think that their child should be allowed to do whatever, whenever, no matter what.

You do not seem to be of that entitlement-mindedness. You would simply like to enjoy your visits. There is a difference.

Now, that being said:

I know one thing: I had things that I didn't want to be broken, and it was between me seeing my grandchild and putting them away, I would put them away.

Truthfully, I would just not visit until the child is older and isn't so curious and in the "touching" mode. If they do not like it, well too bad. Perhaps they ought to visit you guys. And does your DH chase the baby around at all? Or is it like with my inlaws and DH: I do almost all of the chasing, and dealing with our children?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Thing is there's a place between "child proof" and "not letting the parents move the obvious problems."

Before kids, we never child-proofed when people with kids came over, but if one of them had said "hey can we get this out of here, my kid might hurt it" we'd had whatever it was tucked away out of sight, reach, and mind ASAP.

When we go to dh's grandparents home, they've got a ton of nice stuff, most of it's in closed, locked, cabinets, and *everyone* runs casual interference to keep the kids (now up to 6 runners, 2 toddlers, and Lina) using gentle touches with the stuff that is out. It's not just one or two parents running ragged after their kid while the rest of the family loafs, it's the parents occasionally making sure they know where their kids are and the whole family guiding gentle touches, redirecting, and offering better things to play with. (And when all else fails "let's go find your mom!")


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Several replies come to mind..

"She'll learn when she's developmentally ready to learn."

"We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. Do you want your (insert most prized/valuable posession here) to be the mistake? Yeah, me neither." *move it out of reach*

Next time they invite you over, "We'd love to, but last time i was exhausted from chasing dc all over and preventing things from being broken so we'll have to pass. We're having dinner at 6, would you like to come over?" If your ILs are anything like mine, they love to see the kids, but hate to make the (1hr) drive so they'd move it in a heartbeat if it meant us coming there rather than vice versa.

Don't ask if you can move stuff, just move it. If they dare say anything, "Oh, do you not really care for it anymore? 'Cause it'll probably get broken if it's left there."


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
Several replies come to mind..

Next time they invite you over, "We'd love to, but last time i was exhausted from chasing dc all over and preventing things from being broken so we'll have to pass. We're having dinner at 6, would you like to come over?" If your ILs are anything like mine, they love to see the kids, but hate to make the (1hr) drive so they'd move it in a heartbeat if it meant us coming there rather than vice versa.


This! It would say all that needed to be said.


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## bluetoes (May 12, 2007)

OK so there are certain things I can can 'learn.' I am certainly not advocating them, but it is possible to learn that fire burns, dogs bite, and it hurts to fall down the stairs. If the child lives to tell they'll probably know better next time. Now that is not how we want to raise our children, but it's the way 'old school' types think.

But not to break vases and other fun things lying around? I would say if my son knocked over statues and vases he would think that was great fun and go look for more. VASE GO BOOM!

If they had treasures they valued I would just have to find excuses to stay home if it does nothing but stress you out.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

i would just allow dd to break the vase, maybe MIL will learn to put the breakables away......
















i never was good with family gatherings....


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## Jaysfamily (Jun 5, 2008)

I hear you on this! My MIL has expensive Waterford crystal trinkets, bells, and crosses all at a toddler's eye level.

Do you think you'd get more of a response if your In-laws didn't get to spend much time with your DH because he was the one keeping your daughter from breaking their things?

One thing I've learned is that our visits with the in-laws are a lot nicer if I actually get the chance to sit and talk some too. I have to remind DH that the time we spend with them isn't supposed to be his visit with them, while I watch DS, but _our_ visit with them. Us working together instead of me being the only parent while he has a relaxing visit has really helped me to not be resentful of the trips we make to see his parents.

Also, I have really worked with DS to teach him the One Finger Touch rule. It allows him to explore things he really shouldn't because he's learned to gently touch breakable things with one finger, rather than grabbing at them. I have to be right there with him, and sometimes I have to help him be gentle. It satisfies his curiosity so we don't go round and round in a power struggle that puts my will and need to protect other people's things against his determination and desire to explore.


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## verde (Feb 11, 2007)

When I read through this thread, what struck me was the underlying message of your in-laws response i.e. I would interpret their response as them saying they want you to hit your DD. So the next time they say she has to learn, ask them HOW do you think she should learn? And push them on it. If they say you need to spank her or slap her hands, tell them firmly that you will NOT do that. Then ask them to choose between moving their precious stuff or seeing their granddaughter.

Quote:

I am of the mindset that you should not expect someone to childproof their home for your child, even grandparents. Children should be taught not to touch other people's things. Some people don't seem to think that. They seem to think that their child should be allowed to do whatever, whenever, no matter what.
Tinkerbelle, I agree with you with regards to an older child, but I think that's highly unrealistic with a toddler. Toddlers simply do not have the impulse control. They cannot help themselves. That's why this poor mama has to follow her DD around so closely.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm not a huge believer in extreme baby proofing but.. I'm also not one to make a baby/toddler/child responsible for a treasured expensive item. Or risking endangering them selfs.
So we allowed out child to handle say a real plate and glass from a fairly early age we left gates down through out most of the house ect.. but we put the china and crystal in safe places and gated off things like the kitchen when the danger was too much.
I have a similar approach at someone elses home so if I saw my small child going towards something dangerous or breakable and a few no no redirrections weren't enough then I did what I needed to move the item. Honestly yes I've had some people mad because I moved there cell phone or put the vase on a higher shelf ect but I also know if it been broken then all heck would have occured.







Its kinda like setting a boundry with our own child they might fuss that your insisting on a nap but you also know allowing then to stay up will result in terrible melt downs latter.. SO let them stomp and say they need to learn (and they will) but do whats needed to protect everyone.
If its a home where you just can't too much stuff ect then honestly you might have to limit visit times for now. Yes watch yes teach yes distract but honestly toddlers and breakables don't mix (they break in toddling accidents not jst from delebrate touching)

Deanna


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

I am of the mindset that you should not expect someone to childproof their home for your child, even grandparents. Children should be taught not to touch other people's things. Some people don't seem to think that. They seem to think that their child should be allowed to do whatever, whenever, no matter what.
I actually agree with this my issue is a toddler as an example isn't mature enough to accept the conquence if a mistake (delebrate or accident) if it does happen. If I knock down a persons $200 lamp and I'm told hey you knocked down my $200 lamp that means something.. I'm mature enough to realize that I may need to reimburse them $200 and what $200 means... A toddler doesn't and I will if necessary protect both my child and the property of my hosts/guests and move items if needed.

Deanna


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Wow really great responses guys, I'm building my arsenals of good replies for the upcoming Christmas holiday!!!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *verde* 
When I read through this thread, what struck me was the underlying message of your in-laws response i.e. I would interpret their response as them saying they want you to hit your DD. So the next time they say she has to learn, ask them HOW do you think she should learn? And push them on it. If they say you need to spank her or slap her hands, tell them firmly that you will NOT do that. Then ask them to choose between moving their precious stuff or seeing their granddaughter.

*
Tinkerbelle, I agree with you with regards to an older child, but I think that's highly unrealistic with a toddler. Toddlers simply do not have the impulse control. They cannot help themselves. That's why this poor mama has to follow her DD around so closely.*

I think you misunderstand me. I have 3 children, one of whom is just now 3. I totally understand how toddlers are. I do believe, however, that starting to teach them early is best, BUT I would never expect a small child like that to just not do it.

My BIL got a lesson when their 2 yr old started getting into things. He had seen our son, now 3, when he was 2, and in his "gotta touch everything" phase. I did a lot of chasing myself. BIL made a snide comment that THEY would teach THEIR child not to touch things. I said that he would have to eat his words. He did.

My point was, that since the child is very young, that if they want the child to visit, that they should give the mama a break and put some things away. I would. And I have, when I didn't have children and friends and their kids visited.


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## verde (Feb 11, 2007)

TinkerBelle, Thank you for the clarification.


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