# I have a mouthy five year old!



## pixiewytch (Feb 7, 2007)

This child already talks like a teenager. The frustration is that he mimics things we say to him. If I say "you will get a toy taken away if you don't follow the rules" he will turn right around and say the same thing to me or his father later on. I have tried to explain that mommy and daddy are the grown ups and make the rules, not him but he continues to backtalk and use things we say to him against us. I just don't know how to get it to stop or why he is doing it. It drives me nuts though because I feel like I can't assert anything to him as a parent without having it thrown back at me. Help.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Well if it doesn't feel great to have it said to you it probably doesn't feel great when he hears it either. I'm not trying to be snarky or mean, but I do want to be honest.

I'd focus more on the action(s) at hand that are bothering you and why they are bothering you if you can. Taking toys away when the issue has nothing to do with toys doesn't really fix anything. It's just a control tool not an actual solution that the both of you are working on and involved with. Let's say he was running in the house just as an example. Instead of saying "If you run in the house again I'm going to take away your insert whatever toy here" you might try a new issue specific approach.

_"You want to run. I don't like running in the house because I am worried that you may run into something and hurt yourself very badly. It doesn't feel safe to me. What do you think about running in the house? Do you think you could accidentally trip or run into something? Do you think it's safer to run in the yard or the park? How can we run safely here?"_

It doesn't have to be those things exactly of course, but the idea is to create a dialogue that might help you both handle the issue without resorting to threats that make him feel powerless and disrespected.

As far as him speaking to you in a tone you do not like I think the first thing is to take an honest look at how you talk to him and how he hears you talk to others. No one is perfect, and you don't have to be either, but we can't really blame kids for picking up on the things we ourselves do. I also think it's fine for you to say _"It makes me feel bad when people talk to me in a mean voice."_ or _"I like it when people speak in a kind voice to me. I try to speak in a kind voice to you too."_

Hang in there! Some of it is just being 5 I do believe.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I try to remind myself and my husband that our DD will speak to us the way we speak to her - so we should choose our words and tone carefully. You are your child's biggest influence, he models himself after you.

Am I always successful? Weeeeeell...I'm a work in progress







And I know exactly what she's going to repeat back to me first - that exasperated "Oh for freaking mumble mumble mumble" when I have to get her back down off the sofa (she runs on it and flings herself at the arms, and nearly over) for the nine thousandth time this hour. Oh, it's a-comming.


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## pixiewytch (Feb 7, 2007)

I appreciate the advice and I'm sure he doesn't like the way we talk to him sometimes. Neither do I. I really have tried the other approaches though. For instance he has been asked nicely not to run in the house fifty billion times...it has been explained to him why it isn't a good idea, that someone could get hurt, etc..in a very nice tone. It hasn't worked. There are many instances where I have tried to have an open dialogue with him about things that upset me. He simply changes the subject to something else he wants to talk about or ignores me. Believe me, I've tried just talking. It hasn't worked for us. Action seems to get the message across and stop the behavior but now he tries to put mommy and daddy in time out, put us in jail, take our toys away, etc. I can handle some of it at home but in public it is embarrassing. People look at you like you have lost complete control over your kids, you know?


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I try to remind myself and my husband that our DD will speak to us the way we speak to her - so we should choose our words and tone carefully. You are your child's biggest influence, he models himself after you.



I need to enlarge this paragraph and wallpaper it all over my house.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

It hasn't worked.
When you remind him, does he stop? If so, to me, that's working. I think it's just hard for little ones to keep track of every rule with all that energy flowing.


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

Our dd does this too, although not a lot. I feel for you.









I do try to be careful about my tone of voice and the way I talk to her. But beyond that, we've had long talks about our roles. That my role as a parent is to take care of her, to protect her, to respect her, and to teach her how to be a responsible person. Her role is to learn, to grow, to listen to us, and to respect us. Obviously it would be catty-wompus if she were the one getting up in the morning and making breakfast, right? Equally so, it is catty-wompus for her to tell me what to do. Different roles.

Then, with that philosophical framework in place, when she starts acting like a parent I just tell her that that is not her role, she doesn't get to do that until she's grown up and taking care of someone. That when she does it, it is disrespectful.

I'm not saying a conversation like this will solve the problem (maybe you've already done it) but it is a framework for you to explain your standards and then repeatedly remind him of the standard when he violates it. If he stops when you remind him, I don't think it's a big deal. If he keeps doing it after being reminded then there is obviously something else going on that needs to be dealt with.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

Kids really show what we do and how we say things. The other day in a store, my 5 year old offered me a choice with a stern tone, "do you want to buy me the pink dress or the green dress." I wasn't planning on buying her either of them, and I really had to surpress the giggle and REALLY think of how I was going to answer her, as I knew it would come back to me later!!!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

There is a book called "_Between Parent and Child"_ by Haim Gingott. Its an older book, but has been newly republished. Its worth a read.

Basically, the point is that our children learn more about how to be from the _methods_ we choose, than they do from the lessons we try to teach. When you discipline your child for running in the house, he may or may not remember to walk in the house. But he will most certainly learn something about how to talk to someone who is irritating him. He will most definately learn something about what to do when he has to solve a problem.

_How_ you discipline him teaches him much more about what sort of person to become than it does about _what_ you discipline over.

So yeah, he's going to mimic your tone, your words, your approach and your attitude. So it is important to speak to him the way that you would have him speak to you.

Quote:

Believe me, I've tried just talking. It hasn't worked for us. Action seems to get the message across and stop the behavior but now he tries to put mommy and daddy in time out, put us in jail, take our toys away, etc.
Sometimes "just talking" is over-rated. I'll give you that! And OFTEN action is neccessary. But it should not be punative or unrelated action. For running in the house, I would either say, _"You need to find something better to do. Running in the house is not an option. Can you find something to do? Do you need me to find something for you?"_ Or else, even better -- _"Get your coat -- lets go outside and run off some of that steam."_

Quote:

I can handle some of it at home but in public it is embarrassing. People look at you like you have lost complete control over your kids, you know?
There are certain things in parenting that I have made absolute rules for myself about. One of those rules is that I will not be influenced by what other people think, and I will not be motivated by shame. Shame has no place in parenting. Its very hard -- but when I start to feel that in public, then I know its time to put my emotional blinders on to the people around me, and focus only on what my kid needs. Feeling embarassed is _MY_ problem -- its not fair to make it my child's responsibility.


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