# It hurts!!!



## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

All of a sudden i feel like i am in so much pain i cannot even breathe.
Today i would be about 20 weeks, but instead i am having my first preiod since my baby joe was born on Feb 11. I was doing fine... living life, fake it till you make it kind of thing, and today i have been crying, aching, at the very thought that i will never have another baby again. I know i should be feeling so blessed that i have my 3 girls here, and i am, but i am so missing my angels. I have lost 5 babies between 15 and 21 weeks, and 7 between 4 and 8 weeks. and i know my girls are true miracles. But the pain will not let up.
the tears are flowing, my chest is hurting, and my patience is dwindling. very few understand my pain. and to be honest, it seems many in my life do not even try to understand.
I am so tried of hearing about others babies, it is making me sick. i hate hearing friends complain about there baby. when my babies would have been the exact same age.
I know i will never get over this. afteall it has been 10 years since my fist loss and i still think about it daily.

but how do i help my self be ok with never having another baby again??


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your pain and for your losses.


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## annieskry (Mar 11, 2008)

No you will never get over this, but look at the strength you must have if you have made it this far. After one loss, I feel as if I will never recover, but you are living proof that I will. I am so sorry for the pain you feel now and that pain that will stay with you. I pray you will be able to find some peace in the beauty of each one of the lives you carried, no matter how long.


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

thank you. I know i can and must move on. in fact we are in the midst of fulfilling our dream to become foster parents. but the ache of losing my babies, and not ever having another is just so strong. I know i will make it, one breath at a time. I just wish i didnt hurt so bad right now...


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

I am so very sorry and HUGE hugs to you mama. I kinda know what you are going through. I had an emergency hysterectomy and I too can no longer have children and I want that feeling back so bad sometimes it hurts. Seeing pregnant women sometimes makes me very emotional too. You are one strong woman. I don't know if I could be that strong, honestly. ALL your children have a wonderful caring mom and you will meet them one day mama, I honestly believe that. Keep your chin up and we are all here for you.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

From the bottom of my heart I am so very very very sorry for your losses. I wish I had something to say that would help ease your pain. Some people are selfish, and dont realize the hurtfull things they say. I am so sorry.


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## Matilda_z (Dec 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your losses Melissa.


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## Matilda_z (Dec 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your losses Melissa.


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## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

I am so sorry!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain you have to go through.
Those sad feelings never really go over, but hopefully they feature less and less... big hugs to you and healing thoughts...


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## annieskry (Mar 11, 2008)

I can only imagine the feeling. I am in the process of figuring out what went wrong with my first birth and that has been agonizing. Know that I am praying for you. Good luck with the foster parent process.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but all i have is







. I am so sorry for all of your losses and the pain you feel over not having any more babies.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I am so sorry for your losses mama.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so so sorry for all of your losses.







Have they ever been able to find a cause?


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amydoula* 
I am so so sorry for all of your losses.







Have they ever been able to find a cause?


THanks.
we thought the cause was MTHFR gene mutation( heterozygous), protein S deficiency, but this time around i was on heparin twice a day, progesterone, high doses of folic acid, vit b 12 and 6, and baby still died, for no reason. all tests came back normal.
I have not been told to not have anymore kids, i am just looking at my family, my heart and my head and decided that it is in all of our best interest to not ttc ever again. If God gives us a miracle, we would of course welcome that. but we are preventing pregnancy at this point, until I feel confident to make it permanant.


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

Thank you all for your thoughts and hugs. it really means a lot that so many responded to me..


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Got_Cloth* 
THanks.
we thought the cause was MTHFR gene mutation( heterozygous), protein S deficiency, but this time around i was on heparin twice a day, progesterone, high doses of folic acid, vit b 12 and 6, and baby still died, for no reason. all tests came back normal.
I have not been told to not have anymore kids, i am just looking at my family, my heart and my head and decided that it is in all of our best interest to not ttc ever again. If God gives us a miracle, we would of course welcome that. but we are preventing pregnancy at this point, until I feel confident to make it permanant.

Wow that must be so incredibly hard. I wish you peace.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

Couldn't read and not send a hug your way.
Give your little girls a big hug,,, better yet, have them give you a big o'l squeeze right now.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

You have been through so much mama







I am so so sorry for your losses







for all your sweet babies


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

I wish I could wave my magic wand and make all your hurt go away.
My DH read your post and we are both giving you a big hug right now.
Sadly a lot of people do not understand and I am sure you feel very lonely and isolated. I know I do and I lost "only" one baby.
Fortunately people here do understand, like myself and DH. We're both here for your DH and yourself. We are just a PM away.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I can't imagine what you are going thru.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Melissa,

huge huge







s to you mama! I am so sorry for what you have endured. I wish you lots of love as you go on the journey to foster parenting. Peace to you and your family. Please take care and keep posting here.

light and love,
jen


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry mama


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

twelve. i'm so so sorry. you really have the strength of superwoman to persevere through not just your three girls, but to endure those losses...you're amazing and I am in awe of your strength.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. The body has a weird way of making us listen to our minds. I know you said that you were "faking it till you made it" but sometimes we need to slow down and grieve. My therapist tells me this a lot, because I too deal with physical pain as well as emotional pain. Being a mommy to your little girls doesn't get put on hold, and you have to be "strong" for them, I know this first hand... but you NEED to schedule a time to grieve, weather it be for a few minutes, or hours out of the day, or a day or two out of the week. I cannot imagine having to go through this more than once, you are a strong woman. Again, I am sorry and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


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## fenix (Apr 22, 2006)

to you Melissa. I am so very sorry for your losses, all the pain you are feeling, and the difficult decision you are making. You are a strong, strong woman and all of your babes are so lucky to have you as a mom. I agree with pp about trying to take some time to grieve. It may help you immensely and your family too. Hugs and blessings to you.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am sorry Mama, I just wanted to echo these sentiments: but sometimes we need to slow down and grieve.

Right around my first AF coming, I managed to actually start doing this beyond my comments here or in my blog and it was the most important step of this whole thing for me. I thought busy busy, avoid avoid was the way to go. I was afraid that if I started crying it would never stop, but now I am allowing myself to feel what I feel and cry when I need to.

I had to slow down to move forward.


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