# Would like your input regarding my sil's pregnancy (sad)



## gretchenkolo (Nov 20, 2001)

My sil is 21 weeks pregnant with her third child. She had an ultrasound one week ago and the results were devestating. She has no ambiotic fluid, there is some problem with water on the brain (too much or not enough - not sure), the baby's spine is bent in a loop, the head is somewhat deformed do to the uterus pressing upon it, and there are problems with the lungs.

The doctor told her that she has to decide if she wants to terminate the pregnancy or carry the baby to term (if she can make it). The family will be supportive of whatever she decides.

Can any of you offer her any advice?


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Well, your love for her is apparent. You're heart must be breaking. The fact that the family would like to support her in whatever decision she makes will really help.

My best advice is to listen to her. That will be the hardest thing for you - don't be afraid to cry. She may be numb to it at some point and that's a normal greif response.

Ask her what name she's picked for the baby and call the baby by name. It is her child and was created and grew within her. Hearing the name validates this.

I'll try to digg up some information on this type of loss for you to share with your family. It sounds like you have a solid support system.

I wish you gentleness,

Jacque


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I would spend as much time as possible with her. Often the only person who can truly understand the heartbreak is another mother, sometimes even ones dh tries to shut out the pain and forget which does not help the mother who is going through such a painful experience. It wont be easy for you but it will help her.

It is good her family is standing by her, not everyone is so lucky.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I am so sorry for your family. I don't have any advice for her, but your family will be in my thoughts.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I agree with Msmom. Listen , listen listen. Keep loving and supporting her like you are doing now. acknowledge your niece or nephew and refer to the baby by the name chosen. I have a best friend, who had a 3rd trimester "fetal demise", her baby being born still at 30 wks. (b/c of incompetent cervix & subsequent infection). this happened about 6 yrs ago, and when we talk of that time, incident, whatever, i always refer to her baby by her given name, "kyra". this brings peace to my friend, because so many people dance around the subject, by me doing this, it acknowledges kyra and her short time with us. this is such a scary time for her and your family. how wonderful to read your post and find all o you supporting her & standing by her. More families should be like yours.

My heart & prayers go out to you and your family. please keep us posted.


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

I haven't had such a loss, but to my good friend who has, I absolutely acknowledge the importance and "realness" of the babies she lost. I think about how connected I was with ds, long before he was born...help her do whatever she needs to do in the meantime, while she makes her choice.


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## gretchenkolo (Nov 20, 2001)

Thank you, thank you, for all of your replies. You have given me some wonderful information that I will put to good use! I will pass along everything to the family as well.


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## lestouffer (Jul 2, 2002)

I am not one to tell anyone waht to do, but I have been put in her place twice. Apparently they are now thinking that I am a carriers of a rare genetic disease that affects only my sons. But both my sons s/b 9/30/99 (22 weeks) and s/b 11/01/02 (21 weeks) were affected.

The family needs to stand by her as well as all her friends. We need to talk about our babies, jus tlike mothers with new live children want to. If she chooses the termination, she needs to be open with someone, a lot of people may pass judgement on her (or she's afrad that they might) so she withholds the details of her decision from people (there are still 3 years later who still think that Ihad a m/c). Its also a matter of how well you know that person.

Not that I think you won't stand by her. Wathc your language, as I am still angry at my mother for calling my last surgery an abortion (technically it was, but I feel that word is for babies who are not wanted, not wanted and loved as much as my sons were) , We are hyper sensitive.

We fell pretty much normal after teh surgery too. It is good to get out and enjoy life again and not dwell on the life lost. (again depending on her decision)...

There are a lot of good websites out there, www.nationalshareoffice.com web site for infant loss (pregnancy through young child loss) www.aheartbreakingchoice.com for those who choose to terminate their loved child because of fetal anomoly.

If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to email me......Leslie


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you Leslie for sharing such important information. That was a great post!


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Leslie, a warm and gentle welcome to Mothering. You so recently lost your 2nd son - I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

If you feel comfortable sharing thier names and talking about them, this is a gentle and loveing place to do so.

Isn't the SHARE office WONDERFUL! They've given me so much support over the years. I worked with Jane Boreman on a few projects over the years and she's a woman with a very large heart. I recommend subscribing to their newsletter - a beautiful place of greif and hope.

gretchenkolo, let us know if you need anything more from us. I know this holiday season will be very difficult on you and your family - my heart goes out to you all.

Gently,

Jacque


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

gretchen, how is your sister in law?

Just thinking about all of you.....


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