# My anti-social toddler embarasses me



## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

My 16 month old is just not super social outside his immediate circle. When he sees acquaintance who smile at him, even from a distance, he collapses in a heap, rolls on the ground and cries. Sometime, he not only refuses to smile, but when he's offered something by these well-meaning but misguided individuals, he takes it and slams it into the ground.

One of my closest friends is a pediatrician and he gets excited when he sees her car coming, but rarely gives up any affection for her.

What gives???

P.S. Duh, can't spell. I meant "embarrasses"


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My Dd was never interested in other people. At 5 she can still stare someone down who is talking to her; especially if it is in that sing songy way people talk to kids but it really is just her personality and it seems like that is your son's personality as well. I would jsut follow his lead and not let him think you are ashamed or embarassed by him.
It's just who he is.


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## unityco (Jan 17, 2007)

Wish I knew what gives.







: My DS is the same. If anyone approaches him, he says "Go 'way, GO 'WAY!" over and over and buries his face in me. (It was horribly embarrassing visiting my Grandma's seniors' building, where everyone wants to greet the cute little boy.) If someone tries to talk to me it's "no lady," or "no man," at the top of his lungs so I can't hear what the other person is trying to say.

Even within his social circle he's not too giving. If I ask him to greet someone (our nanny, Grandma, etc.,) he'll often say "too tired," and bury his face. If someone tries to help him, it's usually "only Momma," or "Momma do."

I thought AP was supposed to help create secure outgoing children! Guess I'm doing it wrong


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## loitering (Mar 27, 2006)

I'm sorry, I don't have any answers. But I recently visited family and ds's cousin (almost 2) would constantly cry every time my ds talked loudly or went near her. We could never figure out a reason, but do know that you're not alone.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I hate it when strangers smile at me from a distance and I'm 30. I do not collapse in a heap but I do make a point to avoid them. I think it's weird. And my mother was very attached. I do not think the point of attachment is to make children outgoing or socially "secure" (why feel secure in an insecure situation when complete strangers are coming up to you and asking you irrelevant questions or giving you food? Isn't that something that anyone would think was weird?). It is to make them feel secure in themselves, whether they are shy or outgoing, bold or cautious, artistic or athletic.

When my daughter- who is generally social, like her dad- is anti-social, to a stranger, I just make a point to smile and say "She's tired" or "We had a long day" or "She's hungry- we're off to lunch/dinner". This does nothing but to smooth over the situation and make the adults feel better, but I like it for that very reason.

I think 16 months old is VERY young to have social skills, myself. It's really hard to express yourself in a polite way when you can't say, "No, thank you."

My daughter also slams things on the ground when she doesn't want them. I say, "No, thank you!" every time she does it. I'm hoping it will sink in soon enough.


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## Dizzie (Nov 28, 2007)

My DS exhibits the same behaviour in social situations leading people to ask questions such as "Is he tired?" or "Did he just wake up?". But no he is not tired, hungry, sleepy or sick, he is just himself. My DS is just highly sensitive. If you are interested in looking into this further try the following link for some great info and advice from fantastic and insightful mamas:

Mothering the Highly Sensitive Child


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## Savoir Faire (Nov 17, 2007)

Nah, don't be embarrassed. It is hard to be little.

Both of my children have freaked out when they see anyone coming as you described. My daughter, finally has gotten much better about it (she is 3) but still has "those moments."

My son is almost 2 and is in the middle of it. It doesn't bother me for some reason, I guess I just assume they're little and will get over it eventually.

Just like some kids are overly outgoing, some people aren't. Strangers are new. These are people they've never seen before or only occasionally but yet are expected to be nice, share, hug or take things from them.

I do not feel a reason to explain for my children when they start acting this way. If they have a curious look on their face, I just say "we're not good with strangers."

When my daughter was one, she had this habit of picking out people who she just did not like. One situation, it was my step-grandfather, another a young and female family friend. Now she's crazy about both of them, but at the time, if they got near her, she'd scream "NO GO AWAY!" and point her little finger at them.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

The other end of the spectrum is embarrassing also. On our trip to Canada my daughter was running up to strange men in the airport holding her arms out saying "up, up, up". She at one point approached a woman eating a cracker and said "oh boy, cracker.. more more more" like she wanted some. The woman GAVE me her baggie of crackers, even after I insisted that she needn't do it. She must have thought I had been starving my daughter.









I wish there was a happy medium for both of us.


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## mama_ani (Aug 2, 2007)

My son is 22 months and the same way. He is social with us (his mom, dad, sisters) but if someone comes over or we go out he is really rather anti-social and cranky. It gets really embarrassing. I tried to explain it to my mom (when she asked if was always like this - throwing tantrums & crying & such) and she said something "oh yah sure







" type thing.
I have no advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
I'm really not sure what to do about it... 1) stay home & potentially make it worse because he doesn't get a chance to learn to be social outside of his immediate family or 2) go out and watch him be miserable & try to help him through it? Neither sounds particularly great.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Look, I work with hundreds of kids. This is not uncommon. Anyone who expects a toddler or preschooler to respond to them in a certain way (being social or whatever), *doesn't get it.* Even the most social kids at this age often go through phases of not feeling comfortable with those outside their innermost circle. People who "get" this, people who "get" young children, are receptive to however a child responds to them...and take it as a totally normal response for the child to reject interactions from everyone but his/her parents.

No one has the right to expect something from your ds. They're not entitled to his affection. So this is on the adults. His behavior should in no way be an embarrassment to you.

(And talk about learning as a mother to shrug off what adults "need" from children, I became a mom at 24 years old to a 15 year old child-- who happened to have a transgender identity-- who had severe developmental delays. When your 15 year old child, who does not identify with his genetic gender of birth and thus dresses and acts very differently than society expects him to, throws himself on the floor of the grocery store and tantrums like a two year old might...and though you look old for your age people are still looking at you and assuming you were a very young mother when you "had" this child and thus have obviously screwed him up...you really learn in a hardcore way that your children are independent beings and not a reflection on you and that there is really no point in getting embarrassed over their choices. And you start to feel that adults need to act like adults and accept kids for who they are. You start to consider that adults are too concerned with getting their own needs met by kids, but that our kids don't owe these adults anything and have only one job and that is to focus on their own developmental needs. And then you stop worrying at all about what anybody else thinks.)


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

adults are too concerned with getting their own needs met by kids,
Love that line!!


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## unityco (Jan 17, 2007)

I feel I must add, I know it's MY hang ups that are causing my embarassment - I know it's normal for my son to behave this way (although I wish I understood his thought process more!)

At his age I can't expect him to mask his true feelings for the sake of politeness, and on some level I think a little "stranger danger" is good, it's just awkward for me to deflect his behaviour (often perceived as being "rude".)

The embarassment is all about me and the other adults - poor DS is just a pawn.


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## Aufilia (Jul 31, 2007)

Quote:

At his age I can't expect him to mask his true feelings for the sake of politeness, and on some level I think a little "stranger danger" is good, it's just awkward for me to deflect his behaviour (often perceived as being "rude".)
Who are these people who would consider a 16-month-old to be 'rude'? I wouldn't bother being concerned with anybody with that attitude toward a child.

DD was super-social until she was maybe 14 months old, then she turned shy. She's gotten less shy now but she still tends to grab me and duck her head unless it's someone she knows really well (ie, Grandma!). I just say, "She's feeling a bit shy today."


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
Look, I work with hundreds of kids. This is not uncommon. Anyone who expects a toddler or preschooler to respond to them in a certain way (being social or whatever), *doesn't get it.* Even the most social kids at this age often go through phases of not feeling comfortable with those outside their innermost circle. People who "get" this, people who "get" young children, are receptive to however a child responds to them...and take it as a totally normal response for the child to reject interactions from everyone but his/her parents.

No one has the right to expect something from your ds. They're not entitled to his affection. So this is on the adults. His behavior should in no way be an embarrassment to you.

(And talk about learning as a mother to shrug off what adults "need" from children, I became a mom at 24 years old to a 15 year old child-- who happened to have a transgender identity-- who had severe developmental delays. When your 15 year old child, who does not identify with his genetic gender of birth and thus dresses and acts very differently than society expects him to, throws himself on the floor of the grocery store and tantrums like a two year old might...and though you look old for your age people are still looking at you and assuming you were a very young mother when you "had" this child and thus have obviously screwed him up...you really learn in a hardcore way that your children are independent beings and not a reflection on you and that there is really no point in getting embarrassed over their choices. And you start to feel that adults need to act like adults and accept kids for who they are. You start to consider that adults are too concerned with getting their own needs met by kids, but that our kids don't owe these adults anything and have only one job and that is to focus on their own developmental needs. And then you stop worrying at all about what anybody else thinks.)


It's interesting you bring this up. I was a foster mom for two years to a girl I'm only 11 years older. She also had some gender identity issues that were then compounded by an unplanned pregnancy. Oh the looks we got.

I suppose on some level I handled her behavio and other people's reactions better because I knew the challenges she had as a child. On the other hand, I've given my little guy EVERYTHING to try to build healthy emotions and coping. I guess it will all kick in later.


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## unityco (Jan 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aufilia* 
Who are these people who would consider a 16-month-old to be 'rude'?

Seniors who raised their kids in an era where they felt children should be seen and not heard (and certainly not heard yelling "go 'way!") In my situation the problem is compounded because my 2yo looks like he's 4.

Like I say, I can't blame DS!


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ary99* 
It's interesting you bring this up. I was a foster mom for two years to a girl I'm only 11 years older. She also had some gender identity issues that were then compounded by an unplanned pregnancy. Oh the looks we got.

I suppose on some level I handled her behavio and other people's reactions better because I knew the challenges she had as a child. *On the other hand, I've given my little guy EVERYTHING to try to build healthy emotions and coping. I guess it will all kick in later.*

The bolded statement jumps out at me a little. When you taught your DS how to use a spoon, did you show him once, hand him the spoon and he had complete mastery of it? Of course not. Just like you didn't teach him how to handle all social situations with 100% grace once and expect him to feel comfortable and handle all such situations perfectly. I think you have unreasonable expectations of your DS's abilities to cope with new people and situations. Some people are naturally born with the outgoing personality and ability to adapt to new people/situations and some need to develop it. There is nothing wrong with either, it just is.

Practice what to say to people when your DS does something like this so you are prepared. Some of the phrases I have used: (said neutrally)

1. She is cautious or slow to warm up to new people.
2. She has a larger than average personal bubble.
3. She likes to take a little extra time to evaluate a situation before jumping in.

What has been the most successful for me is telling DD that she doesn't have to do anything or talk to anyone she doesn't want to. She is always welcome to sit on my lap until/if she feels comfortable talking to someone. When I explain it to people, they are always very nice and let her come to them although occasionally I have to be firm about being the go-between. I have found that doing this has helped DD adjust faster to new people and situations but it took about a year before the extreme fear lessened. When people ask about her 'shyness', I just tell them that it is not my job to make her be friendly in a situation, it is my job to help her learn the skills to get along with people when she is an adult.


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## mercy589 (Jun 13, 2006)

Wow Sierra, thats a great attitude to take. My DD doesnt respond well to strangers, even at 4 or 5 months when people would reach over and touch her hand or something, she'd snap it away and just stare at them. I say good for her, lol, I dont much care for strange people touching me or talking to me either. If its someone I know I tell her "its ok, these are Mommy's friends, you may talk to them. I'm right here by you." and move the conversation away from her being on the spot and just chat with the person myself. I cant stand it when people try and push her to respond or expect her to. I've had store clerks ask me if she's always like this. Yes, she doesnt speak and glares at me all day long??? I just say something about her being tired or it being almost nap time but I really want to tell them to not be stupid. lol


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Here is an interesting article about how introverted children can be overstimulated in an extroverted world. I believe it applies to our expectations for introverted children's behavior to conform in intense social environments may lead to increased 'tantrums', and overt distress that might be misunderstood as 'misbehavior'.

"Raising Your Introverted Child": http://www.child.com/child/story.jht...introverts.xml It is from the mainstream "Child" magazine. But had some well documented information. (There are 8 "pages" to the short article.)

Another description of children who are highly sensitive is explored by Elaine Aron at "The Highly Sensitive Child" web site: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm There is a "self test" to determine if your child is highly sensitive. There is a "Mothering the Highly Sensitive Child" tribe in the 'Finding Your Tribe' forum also.

Both dh and ds are introverted and highly sensitive. I am extroverted.

Here is an old thread about introverted children: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ht=introverted

Pat


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
The other end of the spectrum is embarrassing also. On our trip to Canada my daughter was running up to strange men in the airport holding her arms out saying "up, up, up". She at one point approached a woman eating a cracker and said "oh boy, cracker.. more more more" like she wanted some. The woman GAVE me her baggie of crackers, even after I insisted that she needn't do it. She must have thought I had been starving my daughter.









I wish there was a happy medium for both of us.









That was my first!!! I also had a lady in the airport give her a bag of crackers! how funny. My 2nd isn't as anti-social as the OP's, but she doesn't smile at people, doesn't want people she doesn't know to talk to her, gives them what my SIL calls "the stink-eye." lol

Try not to be embarrassed. It's just how they are, nothing you did or didn't do. I think most of personality is inborn and some kids are more social than others.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I would just like to say that while I appreciate that everyone here is trying to help, don't you think it is a little early to buy a book on highly sensitive children? The child is 16 months old. Kids change. They change from day to day, and month to month. 16 months old are very sensitive in general.


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## Aufilia (Jul 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mahtob* 
I would just like to say that while I appreciate that everyone here is trying to help, don't you think it is a little early to buy a book on highly sensitive children? The child is 16 months old. Kids change. They change from day to day, and month to month. 16 months old are very sensitive in general.

I would agree with this. I think that's a key age for separation anxiety, and separation anxiety can be an awful lot like clingy shyness, but in the long run it's not the same thing. DD has really changed a lot since 16 months.


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## RainCoastMama (Oct 13, 2004)

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