# 18 month old just...naughty



## toastqueen (Jun 2, 2006)

Please, can anyone give me some advice on how to cope with my 18-month old's naughty streak?
At times I know he's just playing, and at times looking for attention...
But the other times, I don't know what to do.
He usually laughs when we say "no!"
Time-out does no good.
And although I love Dr. Sears, "The Discipline Book" was mostly useless to me.
While I know some is "normal" behavior, like tantrums and occasional hitting, some is simply unacceptable, like TUGGING the cat's tail, hitting other kids at playgroup (and seeking the same child out to hit), pulling out the outlet covers, coloring on walls like his life depends on it, etc. He thinks it's a game with the cat, but he's hurting him.
My husband and I are kind of at our wit's ends. We don't spank, and we use diversion as much as we can, but what can I do to discourage this behavior?
Thanks.







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## MamaB2C (Nov 20, 2007)

I found a lot of good ideas in Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Discipline Solution".

For the furry family members, we have always pro actively demonstrated "gentle" touching, with our hands over DS's. We didn't allow him to go near or touch the dogs or cats without us right there with him, until recently. If he gets rough with them, or won't respond to our reminders of "gentle" the pet is placed in another room, or DS is removed the pet's vicinity and we explain to DS that hurting the kitty/dog is not allowed and he can't play with the pet until he can be gentle.

With hitting, we remove him from the fun for a few minutes. Not a time out really as we say to him: "You don't get to play with your friends if you hurt them. Do you want to go play without hurting, or do you want to go home?" This worked wonders for us, something about the choice being his.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Do everything you can to avoid the opportunity for such things to occure. Seperate the cat from him until he has better self control. Tape the socket covers if you have to and block the ones you can with furniture. Don't give him stuff to write or color with unless you are able to be watching him diligently. If he is cranky or overwhelmed remove from the situation before he gets so frustrated he hits. Obviously you can't prevent everything. But you can reduce the frequency.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

With my toddlers, I've found it most helpful to keep close to them in situations where they haven't learned to be gentle yet. Just keep talking with them about gentle, loving ways to touch others. Help them to connect hurtful behavior with sadness and crying on the part of the person who's been hurt, "Do you see your sister's face? When you pull her hair, it HURTS her! She's crying; she needs LOVE, not hurting."

A few months ago, my youngest (now 33 months) needed me to stay within arm's reach whenever other kids were around; she would behave so aggressively. Now, all of a sudden, I'm noticing a big change in her behavior. If she starts doing something aggressive, it's so much easier to redirect her or help her switch to gentler touching. And many times, she never gets aggressive in the first place ... and she's very much the compassionate comforter when others are hurt or crying.

This change has come about after months and months of intervening, talking with her, and modeling gentleness; I didn't use time-outs or any other punishments. For a long time, I wondered if she'd ever switch gears -- then suddenly, it all came together and my faith in Gentle Discipline, and in my daughter and her wonderful Creator, has been greatly strengthened.


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

I honestly think your expectations of an 18 month old may be set a bit too high. He's really still just a baby. While I understand why you feel certain behaviors are unacceptable, that doesn't change the fact that he may be too young to have the self-control and understanding to refrain from doing those things.

Getting him to stop is going to be 90% about prevention. Don't leave him around the cat when you aren't able to closely supervise. That's a lot of work, so it may mean putting the cat outside, in another room, or just closing him out of the room the baby is in when you aren't able to do that. Those little caps that cover the outlets are really fun for a toddler to pull out. He has no way of understanding the danger those outlets pose for him. At our house we have the outlet covers that are built right in to the plate like these http://www.amazon.com/Mommys-Helper-.../dp/B00081J3PE

I might try putting those on instead. If he's drawing on walls I would make sure he never has access to crayons, markers, etc., unsupervised. When I worked in an infant toddler classroom we insisted that children only use drawing tools (crayons, pens, markers...) when sitting at the table. They were never allowed to walk around with them. A teacher always stayed at the table to supervise children while they draw.

If he is hitting at playgroup than you should really be shadowing him. Be prepared to jump in and stop him before he hits. If you don't you can point out that it hurts the other child, help him check in with the other child by asking "are you okay?"

You may also want to try to idntify the cause of these behaviors so you can deal with the root cause not just the problematic behavior. Many of the things he is doing just seem to be normal toddler curiosity. I'm not sure about the hitting it could have many causes. Curiosity is one. He may wonder what will happen when he hits the other child. He also may not know how to initiate play, so you can help by identifying his desire (to play with this child) and give him the words ("can I play" or "want to play"). He also might be hitting because this other child comes into his space or is playing with a toy he wants. The best thing to do is to help him identify his feelings lable the emotion and then give him words or other ways to deal with the situation.

I don't think you can reasonably expect the behavior to stop immediately, but if you continue to wor.k with him, he will eventually grow out of them


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## kikidee (Apr 15, 2007)

I have an 18 month old, and I find that the times she "acts out" are usually when she is overstimulated, or she is just being downright curious. I agree w/ what other mamas have said -- remove the temptations; remove him from the situation that causes the difficult behavior. That might even mean taking a temporary break from playgroup.

I guess the bottom line is just simplifying and removing anything that may be overwhelming your son or anything that he is not allowed to get into. I try to keep DD away from the "no" activities, because I really think that at this age, it's too much to expect them to have the self control to avoid the temptations that are there.

Hang in there!!


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

ITA with the pp's. It is so frustrating to have to be so diligent all the time, but such is life with a toddler. I totally agree with it being 90% prevention. I would do away with time-outs. I think you'll just both end up frustrated.

Good luck...he will learn impulse control in time and you'll be able to reason more with him. Right now, he just can't stop his little body from trying these things out.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I also agree that prevention is the best approach -- that and setting your little one up for success. Try your best to protect him from situations where his impulse control is likely to lead him to trouble!

As for laughing when you say no, remember that toddlers frequently do this when they are learning and internalizing rules. They delight in being able to predict the cause and effect relationship -- e.g., I hit and then Mommy always grabs my hand and says "gentle touch."

Toddlers need to practice a LOT and smiling and laughter aren't necessarily "naughtiness" but rather a delight in the learning process. Be consistent and rules will sink in.

I know it's hard though. Best wishes!


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Also, I don't know if this idea appeals to you -- but up 'til fairly recently, I just tried to avoid "playgroup"-type situations. Of course, if it's something you're attending to meet some of your social needs, then I can totally understand keeping it up.

But in my case, I found the need for my constant vigilance whenever dd was around other small children, to be so draining I really wasn't able to socialize much. So I just became a homebody for a while. We went to occasional get-togethers (and sometimes had some friends come to our home), but I just prepared myself that my attention was going to have to center on dd during this time.

And the aggressive phase finally seems to mostly have passed!

I realize that some mothers feel playgroups are important so toddlers can "learn to socialize." I haven't found this to be true in our case. I think my dd's development of social skill comes more through relationships within our family, and also her increasing verbal skills. She is now able to communicate much more effectively with words, and this seems to lessen the need she feels to act out physically.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
With my toddlers, I've found it most helpful to keep close to them in situations where they haven't learned to be gentle yet. Just keep talking with them about gentle, loving ways to touch others. Help them to connect hurtful behavior with sadness and crying on the part of the person who's been hurt, "Do you see your sister's face? When you pull her hair, it HURTS her! She's crying; she needs LOVE, not hurting."

A few months ago, my youngest (now 33 months) needed me to stay within arm's reach whenever other kids were around; she would behave so aggressively. Now, all of a sudden, I'm noticing a big change in her behavior. If she starts doing something aggressive, it's so much easier to redirect her or help her switch to gentler touching. And many times, she never gets aggressive in the first place ... and she's very much the compassionate comforter when others are hurt or crying.









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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Also, I don't know if this idea appeals to you -- but up 'til fairly recently, I just tried to avoid "playgroup"-type situations. Of course, if it's something you're attending to meet some of your social needs, then I can totally understand keeping it up.

But in my case, I found the need for my constant vigilance whenever dd was around other small children, to be so draining I really wasn't able to socialize much. So I just became a homebody for a while. We went to occasional get-togethers (and sometimes had some friends come to our home), but I just prepared myself that my attention was going to have to center on dd during this time.

And the aggressive phase finally seems to mostly have passed!

I realize that some mothers feel playgroups are important so toddlers can "learn to socialize." I haven't found this to be true in our case. I think my dd's development of social skill comes more through relationships within our family, and also her increasing verbal skills. She is now able to communicate much more effectively with words, and this seems to lessen the need she feels to act out physically.









:

Yes, we also stopped going to playgroups for a time due to behavior and a near constant demand for supervision.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *toastqueen* 
Please, can anyone give me some advice on how to cope with my 18-month old's naughty streak?
At times I know he's just playing, and at times looking for attention...
But the other times, I don't know what to do.
He usually laughs when we say "no!"
Time-out does no good.
And although I love Dr. Sears, "The Discipline Book" was mostly useless to me.
While I know some is "normal" behavior, like tantrums and occasional hitting, some is simply unacceptable, like TUGGING the cat's tail, hitting other kids at playgroup (and seeking the same child out to hit), pulling out the outlet covers, coloring on walls like his life depends on it, etc. He thinks it's a game with the cat, but he's hurting him.
My husband and I are kind of at our wit's ends. We don't spank, and we use diversion as much as we can, but what can I do to discourage this behavior?
Thanks.







:

Sometimes, it really helps for me to do a reframing of my expectations. He's really still a baby, and baby's main task is
learning







Around half and whole birthdays, there's often a period of time where the child will seem to be testing our very last nerve







Here's a helpful list about ideas you might want to consider putting in your GD repertoire.

My main advice would be similar to everyone else







: enable the positive to occur and remove/limit the problematic stuff as much as possible. Set yourselves up for success. Consider doing an inventory around the house and trouble spots and see how many creative ways you can find ways for you both to be happy and have your needs met









Can the cat spend some time in a safer space when baby's on the move? Can you limit the number of writing instruments that are out and can they come out only when you're able to ensure the walls are safe? Can you keep out LOTS of paper for him to draw on instead? Rearrange the furniture to block outlets? Swap out plug protectors for different ones? etc. etc.

It takes some work to be proactive, but IME, it's time/energy well-spent







There's also huge differences in children's temperaments, and what works great for some fails miserably for others. There is no one right way. You're his expert







There's always something they're getting into, so I've just tried to do my best to minimize frustrations and do lots of deep breathing


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## toastqueen (Jun 2, 2006)

Thanks, everyone, for your advice.
I guess my feeling is, although he is a baby, there are certain things he knows better.
Sure, he's super-curious and typical boy, but before he colors on the walls he makes sure you're looking. It's not like I'm leaving him alone with the crayons - I leave them away until I'm there with him. If I sat with him I'd have to hold him down, which equals tantrums.
The coloring on the walls really isn't the worst thing - Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and I have become close friends.
I realize I didn't explain well enough about the hitting kids at playgroup - it is _*very*_ rare, but it does happen. There is one girl (another hitter) and I *do* try to keep him away from her because they just always go at it. I do go to the playgroups mostly for me, I'll admit, but he likes playing with the other toys (not as much the other kids, at this age), and I really don't feel like I have to shadow because for the most part he's well-behaved. In fact, most of the times he's hit I've been right there - I'll have to figure out what's the cause (overtired, etc)
My biggest problem is the cat. I don't believe in putting the cats outside to be eaten by coyotes and hit by cars....and I try putting him upstairs beyond the baby gate. The cat just is senile, and a lot of the time doesn't get out of the way. We have two cats - one is smart enough to hide....one isn't.
Sometimes Toby will be really good with the cat, and follows my instructions of "gentle." Other times he hits or pulls.
So, I feel I do much of what you've recommended, really, I guess my biggest problem is him doing what he *knows* he isn't allowed to do, because it's just so much fun.


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## rambunctiouscurls (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *toastqueen* 
Thanks, everyone, for your advice.
I guess my feeling is, although he is a baby, there are certain things he knows better.
Sure, he's super-curious and typical boy, but before he colors on the walls he makes sure you're looking. It's not like I'm leaving him alone with the crayons - I leave them away until I'm there with him. If I sat with him I'd have to hold him down, which equals tantrums.
The coloring on the walls really isn't the worst thing - Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and I have become close friends.
I realize I didn't explain well enough about the hitting kids at playgroup - it is _*very*_ rare, but it does happen. There is one girl (another hitter) and I *do* try to keep him away from her because they just always go at it. I do go to the playgroups mostly for me, I'll admit, but he likes playing with the other toys (not as much the other kids, at this age), and I really don't feel like I have to shadow because for the most part he's well-behaved. In fact, most of the times he's hit I've been right there - I'll have to figure out what's the cause (overtired, etc)
My biggest problem is the cat. I don't believe in putting the cats outside to be eaten by coyotes and hit by cars....and I try putting him upstairs beyond the baby gate. The cat just is senile, and a lot of the time doesn't get out of the way. We have two cats - one is smart enough to hide....one isn't.
Sometimes Toby will be really good with the cat, and follows my instructions of "gentle." Other times he hits or pulls.
So, I feel I do much of what you've recommended, really, I guess my biggest problem is him doing what he *knows* he isn't allowed to do, because it's just so much fun.

I hear ya! Heck, my 15 month old also shows signs of knowing. .. like when she is holding something she knows she is not allowed to.... she will give me a big smile, hide said object behind her back and ask me to high five!







she's got the art of redirection down pat!
With the cat, we have the same issues so we invested in a condo for our cat. Now, the cat has a safe place to go that dd can't get into.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *toastqueen* 
Thanks, everyone, for your advice.
I guess my feeling is, although he is a baby, *there are certain things he knows better.*
Sure, he's super-curious and typical boy, but before he colors on the walls he makes sure you're looking.

I guess my biggest problem is him doing what he *knows* he isn't allowed to do, because it's just so much fun.

I have two thoughts here. One is that at 18 months he really doesn't know better. It may seem like he does, but he really doesn't in the sense of really understanding what he should and should not do, and why. If he looks at you before coloring on the walls, he isn't defying you. He's looking to see what you'll do or say, trying to understand your reaction and how his actions affect you/your reaction. He's also exploring his own autonomy, learning that "mom says no, but hey I still control my body!"

My second thought is that at this very young age, he may remember that you've said "no" before but he lacks the impulse control and reasoning to refrain from doing those things all the time. It's one thing to remember that mom has said "no" to this before, and another thing entirely to set aside your impulses and refrain from doing it-to weigh your desire and what mom said, and choose to do what moms says instead of what you want. Very young toddlers just don't have very well-developed impulse control. This is why even though he may "know better," he still does it. It's not about defiance, it's just that this skill of impulse control is still developing (along with his ability to understand, reason and remember).

At this age it's still very much about planning/babyproofing, honoring the impulse (likes to draw on walls? maybe hang paper on a wall, for example-find a way to meet his need/honor the impulse in a way that is more appropriate/tolerable to you) redirecting, distracting, explaining and repeating. And repeating. And repeating. Eventually, he'll get it.

I always find that it's a good idea, when I'm facing a frustrating time with my kids, to make sure I refresh myself (or learn for the first time-I just recently got a book about 8 year olds because my oldest is now 8 and I wasn't sure what was "typical" for 8 year olds) about what is typical or developmentally appropriate for the age. There is a wonderful series of books covering each age (up until about age 8, then it's ages 9-12 I think) that starts with "Your One Year Old" (so there's also "Your Two Year Old" and so on). The authors, of most of the books anyway, are Ames and Ilg. If you can get your hands on these, they are well worth the read. They're older, so some of what they write is a little dated but the developmental information is great.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *toastqueen* 
Thanks, everyone, for your advice.
I guess my feeling is, although he is a baby, there are certain things he knows better....
So, I feel I do much of what you've recommended, really, I guess my biggest problem is him doing what he *knows* he isn't allowed to do, because it's just so much fun.

Try to remember that, for a baby, knowing better and being able to control one's impulses are two very different things.

Also, the process of internalizing rules takes many, many repetitions for little ones. He may "know" something one moment and lose sight of it the next. He is not intentionally trying to annoy you -- he's just learning appropriate behaviors in a very age-appropriate manner.


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