# I'm sitting here cyring ... I don't know what to do



## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

DS is 3.5 years old and he's aggressive, he punches, grabs toys from other kids, he's the bully at the park and at playgroups. I just don't know what to do. There is rarely a day when he hasn't hurt someone else. I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I feel like I've created a little monster and that people are like "oh no, _HE's_ coming". We leave playgroups early, we give back toys, we talk about how it made the other person feel ... I just don't know where he gets all his mean tendencies from and I'm so overwhelmed right now.

When a child cries at the park, I look to see what ds has done - not *if* he's done something, but *what* he's done. That's how consistent he is. To the outside world, I pretend like I'm calm and collected and I discipline him like I know how ... but I always get comments like "you don't hit him, and he hits, yet I spank and my kids don't hit". Last week another mom said "Just give me one weekend with him and I'll straighten him out". He'll take a fun wrestling match with a friend and turn it into a punching match where the friend is being beaten.

So what made me finally post? He shoved our swinging door right off the hinges, just because. I've told him, and he knows, that the swinging door is to remain wedged open (it can be dangerous if little fingers get caught). He got bored because I was making my morning tea and decided to do something he's never been able to do before.

Now, this kid has some big pluses - he's not all mean - But the aggression is just so exhausting. I'm not sure why I'm posting this at all. I'm not sure what the response will be. We're suppose to only talk nicely of our kids. And I really try. I think I'm just broken right now.

Here's what he did to the door: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...13-07-door.jpg


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

couldn't read without offering a


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## Diane~KJ (Jun 10, 2006)

Shannon, I sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I don't have any worldly wisdom to pass on to you, but I know how overwhelming it can be and I just wanted to send hugs your way.

I'm sure some wiser mommas will have some good advice for you later. You are a good momma.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I am not surprised by how he turns wrestling into other things, most kids have trouble finding the happy medium between fun and someone getting hurt, especially at 3.5.

The other behaviors you mentioned do seem a bit out of the realm of normal boy behavior. Is he on a special diet? Have you looked at eliminating wheat, dairy, etc? I know there are some great resources linking aggression to diet. (sorry, I know my friend did an elimination diet but I don't know what she researched.)

I hope someone has some good book recommendations.


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## beka1977 (Aug 1, 2004)

I would really try diet - eliminate ALL sugar... the obvious stuff, but also all "white" foods, cereal, pasta, rice, corn, etc... I did this to my own diet (also very few grains) and have noticed a huge difference.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

Huge hugs to you. I also have a child who can be very aggressive, has been since he could move. For him it is a combination of things and I have no way of knowing what applies to your son. Your son definitely sounds very spirited and I think it would help if you kept a log of episodes and the circumstances behind them. "The Out-of-Sync Child" (most libraries carry it) has some good example of what to record and what to look for in terms of triggers. It is a good way for you to step back from the emotion of the situation and look more objectively at the behaviors.

I also recommend a trip to the library to borrow "Raising Your Spirited Child" http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-S.../dp/0060923288
and "The out-of-Sync Child" http://www.amazon.com/Out-Sync-Child.../dp/0399523863
For my ds (3.5), we have discovered that a lot of his behavior is actually due to sensory integration problems (SID or SPD). He is sensory seeking in a number of areas and it results in him crashing into kids, biting, hitting, and other eccessive and often extremely impulsive behavior (way beyond other kids his age). At the advice of his preschool teacher we had an Early Childhood Screening (thru our school district) done. Due to the results of the social-emotional part of the screening, now we are seeking approval for a complete assessment by an OT and hopefully some occupational therapy to help my son gain a better understanding of what he is feeling and how he responds.

Please know that I understand your frustration and embarassment as well as your fears that your child will continue down this anti-social path. Now is the time to reach out for resources and figure out the best strategies and approach to help you and your son. Keep us posted on how you are doing.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

Another vote for diet as well. It made a world of difference for us.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beka1977* 
I would really try diet - eliminate ALL sugar... the obvious stuff, but also all "white" foods, cereal, pasta, rice, corn, etc... I did this to my own diet (also very few grains) and have noticed a huge difference.

I agree. We have focused on eliminating high fructose corn syrup and also red dye #40 with good results. We also try to focus on whole grains, sprouted grain bread, brown rice, etc. It can help to keep a food diary for your kid and note behaviors when you wander off the good stuff.

Also I have friends that have used the Feingold diet with their kids and it really helped behavior. I don't have a particular site but you could just google feingold food & behavior.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I too have cried over DS's behavior so I can completely relate to your feeling overwhelmed.

Try the elimination of sugar and cross your fingers!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

This is good for those of us with the kids who would never be agressive. (cuz they are so perfect and all







)

Because, we DO look at him and say "Oh no, HE is here". We even say it outloud to each other. And probably groan aloud too. (How rude! I never thought it was rude til now)

I think we need to try to be more sensitive to "That kid", and his parents. We all assume that the parent does something to encourage the agressiveness.

I know some parents DO encourage the agressiveness. But, for the most part, I bet most parents feel like you feel.

SO, as one of the eye rolling groaning parents at the park, what would you like us to do? Should we help? Should we keep quiet? Should we buy you a starbucks and hope he tires himself out??

Because there is a four year old at the park sometimes that is just like you describe your son. I just keep my kids away from him, but the Mom looks absolutley beside herself. I feel very bad for her, but I don't want to offend her either.

Sidenote::: This little boy ALWAYS has a dark, pimply rash on his face. Could I suggest that he might have a food allergy? Or is that overstepping, since she hasn't asked?


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

I agree to check food allergies, sensory issues etc.

Also, what kind of gentle discipline do you do? Do you just explain why something is not allowed or are there natural consequences too his actions. For example, some people think that to require a child to sit for a minute to "calm down" is a punitive time out and won't do that, but some people find that their children need that time out (or whatever they call it) to help them realize that their behaviour was not acceptable. IMHO words are not always enough and some kids need some sort of consequences, but again, I know there are those who don't agree that natural consequences are not punitive.

Maybe too you could try playing with him so that it's not an issue of looking to see what he did but that you are always there with him. Maybe he is just getting into situations that are frustrating to him and he doesn't know how to handle them in the heat of the moment. Like maybe he needs to learn that when kids start wrestling to walk away and say "I don't wrestle" or maybe he needs to learn that he can only touch kids in one way- say stroking them on the arm or just holding hands. Then he knows what he can do in a very specific and limited ez to remember way. Just some ideas, not sure what you have or have not done or even if these things would help.








to you.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
what would you like us to do? Should we help? Should we keep quiet? Should we buy you a starbucks and hope he tires himself out??

Great question! I have "that kid" and what I would like is no judgemental stares or whispers.

Just send me a sympathetic nod of understanding that says "







to you Mama"... because I am *on it* with DS. I have to be a hawk over him







and swoop down to intervene when appropriate.

Being the Mama that I am, I'll eventually leave anyway with DS after too much stress.


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## hammas (Oct 19, 2006)

We're having same kind of problems with ds (almost 3,5). We have eliminated added sugar, most fruit and most starch from his diet. He is definitely *wild* if he gets some sugary food without fat and protein. Lately he has been eating bread almost every morning. This is something we need to look closer.

I know that my tiredness, my not-so-great parenting, ds's sensitivity and his adjusting to having a baby sister all add to this aggression problem. He is also very big for his age so he sometimes hurts other kids when he plays with them the way they play with him.

To the op I have very little to offer but a sympathetic


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached Mama* 
Also, what kind of gentle discipline do you do?

Well, I guess I vary discipline slightly depending on the severity of the situation. I usually have him sit quietly, breathe deeply, count to ten, and then have a moment to discuss what happened. He needs to be physically removed from the scene in order for him to calm down properly and breathing and counting seem to really bring him back down as well. I guess it's a time out, but it's more of a reflective and calm-down time rather than a you've-been-bad-so-sit-by-yourself time.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached Mama* 
Maybe too you could try playing with him so that it's not an issue of looking to see what he did but that you are always there with him.

I actually stick pretty close to him - but I also have a 1.5 year old who likes to play independently, so I have to keep my eyes on both of them. When something happens at a play area, I'm usually the first and only parent to intervene, even if the other child was also at fault.

I've never even considered the sugar thing ... he doesn't eat very much (and certainly not as much as most of his friends), but I'll do some research. I'll also go look for the recommended books.

Another thing I wanted to say is that he goes to preschool for 3hrs, 3 times a week. At school, he's only had one punishment (which was loss of a privilege)
and it was surprisingly for not wanting to leave the playground, not an altercation.

And for those of you that have rolled your eyes at _that kid_ in the past, I completely understand! I wouldn't want my kid to be 'at risk' for a punch







And as long as the mom is getting in the sand and taking charge of a volatile situation, I guess all I can ask you to do is to have a little empathy, give her a sympathetic smile, and suggest she get some anti-anxiety meds







: Just kidding









Really, your replies have made me feel much better. Thanks.


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

hmmm... that's harder when you have a second child to keep watch on too. I think i'd def check out the sugar etc thing. Hang in there! You sound like an awesome and loving mama and I'm sure you will find the root cause and be able to help him!


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenomicsGirl* 

Another thing I wanted to say is that he goes to preschool for 3hrs, 3 times a week. At school, he's only had one punishment (which was loss of a privilege)
and it was surprisingly for not wanting to leave the playground, not an altercation.


Interesting. What is different at preschool do you think?

Isn't it amazing how much better you can feel after just getting a little support on here. I know it saves me at least once a week. Helps me collect my thoughts and feel like I'm not struggling alone.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Sidenote::: This little boy ALWAYS has a dark, pimply rash on his face. Could I suggest that he might have a food allergy? Or is that overstepping, since she hasn't asked?

I'd mention it privately, starting out "I've watched you with your son and I *know* you're doing everything right. I'm sure you get this all the time, but have you looked into changing his diet?"


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## allye (Dec 14, 2006)

I totally agree about the diet. My DD when she was 1-2 years old would harsh toss fits, get angry and aggressive and once we took milk and some dairy out of her diet, her attitude and demeanor completely changed! Good luck mama and lots of *hugs* to you!


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I think you should try and get like-minded mamas to hang around. It makes all the difference.

That and I'd also say to watch his diet. I just cut all sugar out of dd's diet(and mine) and the difference is amazing. It's harder than it sounds because so many seemingly non-sugary foods have sugar in them.


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## greendaddy (Dec 18, 2006)

It was mentioned briefly in a previous post, but I'd like to underscore the possibility of red food coloring. I know that we see a night-and-day difference in DDs behavior when she consumes even a small amount of food containing red dye. Then it takes roughly 36 hours for it to work its way out of her system.

The idea of "physically removing" him concerns me, as well. This is just another form of physical domination through strength...not _that_ far removed from what he is doing to other kids. I'll admit, I can't think of alternatives. Anyone else? What's a GD solution to this?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I was thinking about this a bit more.
Point 1.
He's fine at preschool.

Point 2.
This sort of behavior can be a need for sensory stimulation.

What sort of sensory stimulation is he getting at preschool that he isn't getting at playgroups/home? Do they do more physical group activities like everyone dancing together? Do they have sand tables, clay, things to pull/push?

Now, from the perspective of someone who needs to do an elimination diet







, but who has developed coping behaviors instead:

He'd probably enjoy and benefit from wrestling with someone strong enough to "let him win" while completely controlling the situation. Having a punching bag, or having someone who can hold up their hand as a target, would also be something he'd like.

All things to consider while you're getting the diet thing worked out. And it'd be helpful for him to have socially acceptable ways of dealing his emotions--whatever their source.


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## mommy2AandZ (Feb 12, 2007)

I really have no suggestions. I just wanted to add something about sleep. Is he getting enough sleep? My son (3) gets aggressive and acts out when he is tired. He's going through a transition now where he doesn't want to nap but really NEEDS to nap. When he's well rested he's pleasant as can be, when he's tired or won't nap, come 3pm watch out! There is a book out there called "Sleepless in America: Is your child misbehaving or missing sleep" Maybe it's worth a read. Good luck.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

In addition to diet, I'd second looking into the sensory integration stuff too. It's interesting that the one time he got in trouble at preschool was when it came time to leave the playground (a sensory place).

It's been a while since I've read this stuff, but if I remember correctly, dairy in particular is an issue with kids with sensory problems. I would definitely try an elimination diet, with dairy (and all its by-products) and red dye whatever it is tops on my list. Then sugar. And get the books that were recommended.


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

How verbal is he? DS had some speech delays and his frustration at not being able to communicate to us manifested itself as aggression.

We had some success teaching him ASL while he worked with a speech therapist.

Just another POV. I agree that sugar


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

Another thing to consider would be to get him involved in something organized and routine like a sport, where he has to focus and channel his aggression. He sounds like he's energetic but doesn't have any real outlet for the energy, so it turns into aggression. I like soccer for kids his age, the bambino league is pretty laid back and it's actually really cute to watch the kids out on the field.


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## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Would you consider taking him to a counsellor or child psychologist? Sometimes just a few sessions can do wonders for a child (and please don't think I am implying that your child is _psycho_ - _all_ of us could use a little counselling some of the time







).


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

What about the consequence being that you don't go to the playground for awhile?


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Ok, I really appreciate all of the responses, and I've been thinking about the points made.

1. When an altercation at the park/playgroup happens, when I say he has to be physically removed, I just mean that he needs to leave the actual spot - he usually just walks away with me, without struggling. If I leave him with the other kid, he doesn't even try to calm down and reflect. I also don't want to discipline him in front of the other kid - it might be humiliating.

2. I think the difference at preschool is that even though there are 12 kids and 2 teachers, they are always in little groups of 2-4 at each 'station' (art, computers, cars, blocks, etc). And when they do group activities like movement and music, he has to focus on the teacher and not everyone else. There's no competition for 'things'.

3. I've also noticed that if we are in a small group of maybe 3-4 older kids (plus younger siblings), he does really well - it's really when there are like 10-15 kids running around that he tends to get ansy. He also does much better with girls, but I think that they tend to just give up whereas boys will fight back more.

4. His speech is at par with his age level, from what I've noticed. He's very vocal. One issue also is that he's born Aug 30th, and the kids in his class started turning 4 in October (about 7 of them are 4 already). There is a big difference between the kids who are 8-10 months older than he is, they tend to express themselves better than he does. But that will improve with age.

5. I'm going to talk to his teacher this week and see if she has noticed anything.

6. DH refuses to even consider the food idea, so that's something that will be difficult to address right away. We eat a lot of whole foods, we eat very little processed sugars, white flour, all that stuff as it is and he thinks that we should just bring him to our ped. and ask his opinion. And I'll totally do that. Our ped. is very pro-AP (or rather pro-whatever-is-good-for-each-family), and he has made many AP suggestions that most peds wouldn't make. I'll make an appointment ASAP. I also don't have issues with seeing a psychologist of some sort to help with tools to overcome his aggression.

7. He takes swim lessons 2x a week and he loves it. Next month he's starting basketball and soccer. Then in April, it's back to swimming. I'm going to sign him up for soccer & swimming through the summer months since he won't have preschool. I have noticed that he does very well when playing with a physically active boy or when running his butt off playing. I've been trying to encourage that. He also now knows that he can only wrestle with certain people. And he listens.

Ok, I think I've addressed everything I can think of that was brought up. Please continue with your input - I'm not perfect and I'm always looking for improvements!

Thanks again!


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
What about the consequence being that you don't go to the playground for awhile?

I honestly don't know if he'll 'get' a long-term consequence like that. Maybe I'm underestimating him.


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## tgb (May 17, 2005)

I would echo the diet and add wheat to what others have mentioned. My son was getting aggressive and oppositional. Once we eliminated wheat his moods and behavior evened out considerably. Good luck!


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Has this behavior been his baseline or is this a newer development? The "Your X-year old" books describe the 1/2 year as sometimes a very challenging time for children developmentally leading to behavioral upsets. Perhaps with this stage and your pregnancy, he's feeling out of whack?

I agree that making dietary changes might help a lot. Does he watch much TV? Does your partner roughhouse with him? My dh used to play wildly with our ds when he was about 2 and it seemed like my ds couldn't distinguish between that kind of play with daddy and with peers...so we quieted things down a good bit.

I wish I had more to offer....just a big







. You're doing an amazing job.


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## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

I want to chime in on the sensory integration idea. And the fact that he's ok in small groups and not in larger groups makes me wonder about attention issues. I hate throwing "ADD" around loosely (I'm a teacher and have seen WAY too many kids mis-diagnosed and over-medicated), but kids with attention problems can't filter out what is extraneous stimuli--like too many kids on the playground--and it can be overstimulating and lead to behavior problems. These behaviors, though, can often be improved through (here it is again!) diet. Red food dye should be a pretty easy thing to keep out of the house without a resistant husband even noticing.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

I think diet is the way to go. I also think your son needs to *practice* being gentle with safe objects and people. Wrestle with him, then when he gets too rough, practice over and over being gentle. He also needs some sport or other activity to focus him. Can I recommend karate?

My son was like yours and I enrolled him in a karate class at the age of 4 and it. Worked. Wonders. He stayed in it for about 2 years and decided himself he didnt want to take it anymore. It really gave him self discipline. I would highly recommend karate for children like this, boys and girls.


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
Has this behavior been his baseline or is this a newer development?

He's always been more active than other boys (even at 15-18 months old). Because of this, I've always had him signed up for gym and or swim lessons.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
Does he watch much TV? Does your partner roughhouse with him?

He watches 30 minutes of tv (PBS) in the mornings as I make breakfast and put the dishes away. He'll watch a full-length animated DVD about once a week. And when dh is in town, he watches maybe 30 minutes after dinner with dh before dh takes him up for bath. DH travels a lot, though, so usually that tv time is forgotten. I'm really bad at remembering to turn the tv on and ds doesn't usually ask for it.

My dh doesn't rough-house with ds. But ds learned to rough-house from some friends and now he knows that he can only wrestle with those kids.

I would really hesitate to even consider ADD because when there are no other kids around, he's generally very calm, he loves to read, play computer games, paint, roller blade, play with Play-doh and blocks. He usually only acts out in groups. Of course, when he busted our swinging door, we were hanging out quietly and he just shoved it until it broke, so I guess it's not only when other kids are around.







: But really, in groups, with pushable, swingable, tossable toys, he's somewhat of a bully. He doesn't want to wait his turn, he wants to grab toys from others, he has no compassion when he hurts someone. It's almost like he's acting like a much younger child sometimes.

I've made some major adjustments to how I deal with him and they have really done wonders: I give him a count-down when we're going to leave some place, if I need him to get dressed, instead of just forcing him to get dressed, I'll say "do you want to do it yourself, or would you like me to help". I have found that these simple steps have really curbed any useless tantrums (unless he's exhausted, then he's not really to blame and I don't get frustrated). He rarely throws a tantrum just for the sake of it - he's very good at using his words and accepting my explanations, considering.

About sleep: Yes, he's in a transition where he sometimes doesn't want to nap. But I usually force him to nap (soft music, a sippy of milk, and cuddling in bed usually do the trick







). He definitely acts out more if he's exhausted, but he sleeps for about 10hrs at night and takes a 2-3 hour nap in the day.

How would I know if it's a food thing? Where do I even begin? Dairy, wheat, processed sugar/flour, red dye ... I wouldn't even know where to start. What is red dye, anyways? People always throw the 'spirited child' title towards me but I find it more of a label than anything helpful. I'm really at the point where I need some serious help and I need to do something with his energy.

Again, I'm so happy that you moms have been giving me great suggestions - I'm seriously looking into everything & anything I can at this point. Thanks for your kind words and non-judgemental support.


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Transitions* 
My son was like yours and I enrolled him in a karate class at the age of 4 and it. Worked. Wonders. He stayed in it for about 2 years and decided himself he didnt want to take it anymore. It really gave him self discipline. I would highly recommend karate for children like this, boys and girls.

Yeah, my dh grew up taking Aikido and he keeps saying that we should sign ds up for a martial arts class. At swim class, ds tries to push his way to the front of the line and always wants to be the first one to try anything new. He needs to take a deep breath, relax, and learn to wait a little more patiently.

Of course, the pushy attitude usually gets him what he wants - so he's actually had a lot of positive results - which won't help him socially in the future.


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## pilllowhead (Jun 4, 2003)

Hi, so many good points have been made and you seem to be doing some good reflection. I just wanted to add in that my Ds has been exactly the same, leaving me embarrassed and crying too and worried about all the things that I'm doing wrong.
Ds is 5 now and i just want to say, while he isn't perfect, he will always go through stages and I have only recently learned that that is his job in growing and developing and mine is to support him totally and to let him know that I love him. It sounds like you are already using redirection, I think that is a really good method to go with. These other things: diet, sensory stimuli, they can all contribute but he is only 3.5 and some children just aren't perfect at that age, or at other ages, dispite having perfect parents








So I guess I just want to let you know that you're doing a good job and you will get through this


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pilllowhead* 
These other things: diet, sensory stimuli, they can all contribute but he is only 3.5 and some children just aren't perfect at that age, or at other ages, dispite having perfect parents









So I guess I just want to let you know that you're doing a good job and you will get through this









Yeah, I agree. 3.5 was BY FAR the toughest age so far with my son. When he was overstimulated (tired, too much sugar, too many people, too much noise) he simply was unable to control his more aggressive impulses, and would lash out. He was "that kid" you read so many threads about here on MDC! (wink)He's nearly 5 now and is able to control himself much better...it's day and night really.

So, *maybe* he's developmentally normal for his age, maturity level, and temperment, and just needs guidance and understanding to help him grow away from these behaviors. And lots and lots of shadowing and redirecting. And please don't think of him as a bully. He's way too young for that title just yet.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

I just can't get over that he's not like this in preschool. Of course changing his diet would be a wonderful gift for him as he grows up (did you read the NYtimes magazine article by the guy who wrote Fast Food Nation? He wrote that all of good nutritional science comes down to this: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. I think we could all benefit from trying to really do that- so much of what we eat is not actually intended to fuel human bodies, you know?), but the fact that he can enter a stressful environment and not display these behaviors makes me think you have a shot at helping him cope through changes in your home/interactions with him.

Could you observe at preschool one day? What about it do you think he responds to so well? Is it the structure? Would he benefit from a more predictable routine at home? (I have two myself so I realize what a flight of fancy that might be...)


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

With him acting better at preschool, maybe because it's a structured situation with set rules and a regular routine and working in small groups? Maybe he's a bit freaked by unstructured play and being in a large noisy group?
My ds was like that at age 3 too. Not so much aggressive, but he'd pretty much shut down instead.

We know a child just you describe yours to be. I had never met them before and he attacked my ds one day in a group setting. My first reaction was to be angry and to try to avoid them "next time". But we ended up seeing them in a smaller group setting, I started talking with the mom, and the boys played much better and more calmly. He is definately a sensory seeking kid though, and it's obvious that he's not at his best in large groups.
But it was interesting to see the difference in behavior.


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I feel for you. I have a 5 yr old dd and a 1 yr old ds, and I can see the differences between the genders already, the little guy gets way more physical and aggressive, even though none of it is mean spirited. He just picks stuff up and starts banging me in the head with it while grinning at me! He's lucky he is so cute...









THat comment the other mom made about, "give me a weekend..." that was so grossly inappropriate of her, I'm sorry you had to hear that about your little guy.







s

I can only imagine the comebacks I would have had to that one...

I am in the process of ready "Playful Parenting" by Cohen, and he had a story in there about an boy he did play therapy with that sounds a lot like your son. He was older though, maybe 8? But had exhausted his pool of friends because he let every game get too aggressive and the other kids always got hurt. He was a normal little boy, and the author helped him get back on track through play. I don't remember the specifics though, does anyone else who read this book remember that one?

Anyways, I'll try to find that part again and let you know how the author (who is a child therapist) helped that little boy get more gentle during play. Maybe it will be something you could use to help your little guy.

You sound like such a caring and thoughtful mom.

~Tracy


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## Maiasaura (Aug 12, 2002)

i just wanted to send you a HUGE
















i know how hard that is. i'm That Mom too. my ds is 6 now. it's gotten easier, but he still can be SO aggressive. at 3.5, we always had to leave the playground or the playgroup, and i so wanted to go places and take him places. but boy, was it hard.
i read every spirited book on the planet. i have never kept much icky food in the house. at that age, my ds would eat greek salad for breakfast and ask for seconds (not now, btw, he won't *touch* veggies or fruit. it's so frustrating!)!
we had a great diet. we were in therapy. we did it all. he was just...who he is.

i had to do a LOT of adjusting. i carefully picked and chose what we could/would go to. and i had to practice a LOT of acceptance. didn't have to like it. just had to accept it. or go insane.

we ended up not going to our favorite playgroup if it was at a park, 'cause all the other moms got to stand around the sandbox, chatting away, while their Velcro Children stuck right by their sides, playing happily in the sand. i, however, got to chase my ds all over the unfenced playground, hoping he would not, for once, run pell-mell into the street. for me it was way too stressful. i got more peace at home, where he knew the territory and i knew it too, and i had it pretty much ds-proofed. i felt so frustrated cause the other mamas (it was only a 5-family playgroup!) never seemed to feel my pain and NOT have it at an unfenced playground.

i got tons of the suggestions you've already gotten. none of it seemed to matter. and i did find other moms with the same issues, but that was hard too-- just imagine all those spirited kids together! but it was some relief for the moms, even if just for an hour.

hang in there, mama.

oh, and i dunno how GD "Love and Logic" is, but i just went to a class and i LOVE it. it makes total sense. i'd recommend go, if you can. if you can't find the classes free, find your local child advocacy services and they should be able to hook you up. it is just that many of those "free" classes are geared toward people who have to go because they are being referred by DSS or the courts. this matters to some people. it didn't to me.

and again, hang in there. it gets better. different. the issues are still there (my ds beat up his best friend at that friend's birthday party...*sigh*...) but they are different and can better be dealt with, with maturity.









pamela


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenomicsGirl* 
he loves to read, play computer games, paint, roller blade,

Am I the only one who is IMPRESSED by a 3.5yo who reads, plays computer games and rollerblades?


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

My DS was/is the same way. 3.5 was a particuarly tough time - everyone says it, and it's really true. He turned 4 in Oct. and he is much better at controlling himself than he used to be. This is not to say he is "cured", lol - he still has his moments and they can be bad, but they are a lot less.

He also rarely hit at preschool, and when he did, I was there. You could say I "triggered" it. I prefer to think that he considered me his safe place, where he could let his hair down, so to speak. I don't know, but I can tell you I am the same parent I was 8 months ago, and the hitting has greatly decreased, to the point where I don't actually have to stay within arm's reach of him at all times! So by all means, improve his diet, his sleep, etc. but don't make yourself crazy looking for ways to "fix this problem" - give it 6 months and it may fix itself.

One thing that I am seeing pay off right now is giving him concrete alternatives to hitting. Some people advocate hitting couches, etc. but that never really did it for us. (We tried it tho.) We gave him some phrases to yell, (I'm so angry!) and that works a lot better for him. Though, now he comes up with some creative phrases of his own and some of them are not so nice, so it's time to work on Phase Two: socially acceptable things to yell.







It's a gradual process.

You sound like you are able to stay really calm when he is acting up like this, and I think that is key - you don't want to start getting mad because then the negative emotions start getting out of control, which is especially scary for the little ones. Plus you are modeling how to calmly respond to situations. It helps if you can remove the DC from the immediate situation, and talk to them about what they wanted to accomplish by hitting the other child, and what they were feeling, and then brainstorm other ways of acheiving that goal. I know (all too well) that is not always possible in the heat of the moment, but it makes it more immediate for the child, gives them tools in hand, so to speak. Roleplaying also helps - play out a scenario where your DS would be tempted to hit. Let DS choose whether to be himself or the other kid. Be prepared to hear some awful stuff, and don't get upset, just let it go. You said your DH doesn't roughhouse with him. Why not? It might be great for him. Burn off energy, connect with Daddy, do some guy stuff... what's not to love?

I hope I don't sound too preachy, I just want to share what seemed to help us. Though I think the main thing that helped us, was time. Of course, what we do during that time is very important as well.

Good luck, and hang in there sister.


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