# I am an INTJ, and I get bitchy trying to do certain things....what to do.



## SheSpeeds (Dec 7, 2006)

I recognize a pattern in my behavior. Here's an example, we're getting ready to go to the neighborhood pool, we need a small bag with a few basic things. I typically unpack the wet towel from the last trip and add new. I have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old. They're both mellow happy energetic children. If they're asking me anything, wanting anything, anything that is outside of prep to leave (even sitting on bikes trying to leave before I'm ready), I turn into a bit of a hornet. What fun is a bitchy mommy before going to do something fun. I don't like the tone I set, and my 3.5 year old is quick to reciprocate such rudeness.

Anyone else experience this short lived lack of ability to multi-task? I know it's a symptom of something more fundamental, and seems like "packing the bag while they're asleep" would be like asprin, not getting at the root cause. Making dinner is similar, getting ready to go anywhere with them, or date night, ect. Thoughts?


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## TerraNoelle (Oct 9, 2007)

It's so funny that you posted this because I was thinking yesterday [while doing dishes] How I'm similar to this [INFJ here]. My youngest [2 years] was "helping" me with dishes and he kept wanting to stick his hands in the water and scoop it onto the tile and play [no biggie], and then push dishes into the water to "help"....BUT I felt so guilty because I kept thinking "please don't do that" "I just want to get done".....I find sadly, I don't have patience for things like that [not that it can't be developed!







]. But I just like to do a task from start to finish without hassle.

I'm such a terrible mom that way







I try to tell myself, in the end it doesn't matter if water gets everywhere, it just wipes up and they are having fun!

[Or insert whatever other activity] It's all such good learning experiences but sometimes I just want to get it done now!

Laundry is another one. They follow me out to the laundry shed and want to plunder in everything and then dump all the clothes. I do try to let them help "fold"....

Anyway, I'm rambling. All that to say, I do understand the feelings!


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Another INFJ (almost 100% in each category) here. I compeltely suck at multi-tasking. I like to focus directly on what I'm doing...whatever it is.

Totally understand about not wanting to be interrupted with these kinds of things...but, I even feel that way at work which makes me understand that it's not just my child that makes me feel this way. So, I pretty much get that this is MY issue and I really try hard to understand that my child isn't really the cause of this "anxiety", *I* am.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't try to teach him consideration and that there are just some times when I HAVE to get through a task (sometimes for my own sanity).
Other times I just grit my teeth, smile, and let it go. It's a learning experience for both of us in the patience area.

Couple things: First, proactiveness is a blessing, but sometimes easier said than done. I try my hardest to have things prepared and it's "time to go" spot. Also, I try to put in a time cushion when I know we have to be somewhere. I would rather be somewhere and sit rather than be late and stressed.
Second, several times I've put out the timer. "DS, please give me until this timer goes off to work on what I'm doing then we'll go (or play or whatever)." Third, inner mantra "Sometimes it's just about the journey." Lol.

Anyway, gotta run, but I totally get what you're saying!!!


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## TerraNoelle (Oct 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Another INFJ (almost 100% in each category) here. I compeltely suck at multi-tasking. I like to focus directly on what I'm doing...whatever it is.

Totally understand about not wanting to be interrupted with these kinds of things...but, I even feel that way at work which makes me understand that it's not just my child that makes me feel this way. So, I pretty much get that this is MY issue and I really try hard to understand that my child isn't really the cause of this "anxiety", *I* am.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't try to teach him consideration and that there are just some times when I HAVE to get through a task (sometimes for my own sanity).
Other times I just grit my teeth, smile, and let it go. It's a learning experience for both of us in the patience area.

Couple things: First, proactiveness is a blessing, but sometimes easier said than done. I try my hardest to have things prepared and it's "time to go" spot. Also, I try to put in a time cushion when I know we have to be somewhere. I would rather be somewhere and sit rather than be late and stressed.
Second, several times I've put out the timer. "DS, please give me until this timer goes off to work on what I'm doing then we'll go (or play or whatever)." Third, inner mantra "Sometimes it's just about the journey." Lol.

Anyway, gotta run, but I totally get what you're saying!!!









I like your post







Some good input!


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## SheSpeeds (Dec 7, 2006)

Yea that cushion of time is essential for me! I've always been one to arrive 5 minutes "early" but concider it "on time". With kids, I've reevaluated what I feel is "on time" and I start early. I also know if the decision is to go somewhere last minute, I feel more tension about the process of going.

It hadn't occured to me that if I need that undivided attention (for myself) in order to task on something to simply (ha ha, well, you know) ask for it from them, in so much as using a timer if it adds value. The timer might be beneficial for all of us, including myself to hold myself to that single task.

I do realize that the "issue" or the personality trait is me, not them. And I imagine making a concerted effort to get me-time helps aleviate these high anxiety circumstances. I observe that I do well to have a scheduled time of the week regardless of whether I have anything to do during that time.


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## intentionalmama (Aug 23, 2008)

Hi, an INFP here. I just wanted to add a couple of things to the conversation. One of the things I learned aboutthe Myers Briggs is that the Opposite traits ie) for the INTJ = ESFP. And that these traits are actually our shadow side. That while we won't become these other traits; strengthening them can be quite good for us. So another way to look at a situation ie)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SheSpeeds* 
I If they're asking me anything, wanting anything, anything that is outside of prep to leave (even sitting on bikes trying to leave before I'm ready), I turn into a bit of a hornet.

is to check into what you are feeling. Ie) frustrated, angry, frightened? What are the feelings? Then see if you can understand what they are saying ie) I feel like angry when I can't get this bag packed. My child keeps talking and I do not feel in control and it feels uncomfortable. Or I feel like a failure if I can't get this stuff together. It should be easy, but my child's interuptions are ruining everything.

Then instead of judging them as right or wrong; just notice that this is your perception at this moment and that there are other perceptions. Then you can silently thank your child for giving you the gift of getting to know your weaker or shadow side.

It may be something that you can't do in the moment - but you could try and do it later. Not sure this is helpful - coming from a INFP, but just some thoughts swirling around in my head.

On a more practical side - take out the wet towel when you get home and put in a dry one for your next outing.


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

INTJ here, and yes, yes, YES. I work very efficiently and quickly if left to my own devices, but interruptions TOTALLY throw me off and make me very, very grouchy. Add in a little ADHD, and any amount of chaos is enough to send me into a tailspin. I don't know how to deal with it better, because... my brain just can't process that many things at once. I don't know.


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## saoirse2007 (Sep 4, 2007)

I don't know about INTJ, but

what I have been doing is making lists

I have a list of what goes in the swimming bag clear tacked and atached with a safety pin...

that said and done- we have gone to the pool with dirty towels and a crooked momma









we survived and had fun....I should just relax- flip it! the kids don't care


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

Really useful insight here...I think I Must be an INTJ - haven't done the Myers Briggs 'officialy' but skimmed through the book and identified with those types - b/c this is so me! I'm so relieved to hear I am not alone in this... I get totally distracted and annoyed when it happens. I am getting a bit better lately tho and learning to use humour more to diffuse things...and trying to pack things the night before does help me to some extent.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I'm an INTJ and very much like this.

The kitchen timer is my life saver for many things. 'I need to work on this until the timer beeps' helps my kids accept that I can't do whatever. We use the timer a lot in our house.

I need to make sure that I'm well fed and well rested. If I'm not, I get more grouchy when asked to multitask.

As someone else suggested, I do a lot of describing my feelings "I need to concentrate on this task and I am cranky when I get interrupted".

Often it's just easier to have dh take the kids away somewhere and deal with things more quickly myself. Or I do a lot of my own prep in the evenings when they're in bed.

It drives my dh nuts that I can't multitask. It drives me nuts that he always multitasks and never finishes anything. Somewhere there's a happy medium!


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## mom2happy (Sep 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SheSpeeds* 
I recognize a pattern in my behavior.

Anyone else experience this short lived lack of ability to multi-task? I know it's a symptom of something more fundamental, and seems like "packing the bag while they're asleep" would be like asprin, not getting at the root cause. Making dinner is similar, getting ready to go anywhere with them, or date night, ect. Thoughts?

If you recognize the pattern and you know packing the bag the night before would solve part of the problem it wouldnt be like aspirin.
With a 1 and 3 yr old you really should pack the bag the night before as a gift to yourself.
I have very low tolerance for interuptions when we have to get in the car too. I recognize that I AM the one who is going to have that gross feeling and project it onto them when Im rushing like mad or things arent going my way. KWIM?
Since we cant change who we are we can only change out behaviors- especially after recognizing a pattern.
It really is the only solution. You dont want to be bitchy to your kids, right?
Find ways to make sure you are organized when ever possible so that the bitchy times are much less.


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## staceychev (Mar 5, 2005)

INFP here.

Notice a pattern? All introverts!

I've been asking DD (5) a lot lately to give me "just two minutes to think." I can't process the most simple tasks when she's in my ear.

If you need a laugh, watch this to see how I often feel! I can actually hear Stewie's voice in my head while Lu pesters me...


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I am very much the same way- and yes, I need to work on responding better when I'm feeling the rushed out the door thing, as you point out, a 'fun trip' is considerably less so when Mom is really cranky because getting out the door doesn't work.

I try to do things ahead, but sometimes it doesn't work. I don't have many suggestions, as I'm in the midst of working through this myself, trying to get myself, my husband, and three kids out the door often results in a pretty miserable experience for all. :/


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

I am the same way. It is always much better if I'm not in a hurry, so I try to start things crazy early or just do things without a time constraint. When I can't, I just try to be mindful that I need to keep my attitude in check (and sometimes my kids will point out to me how grumpy I am so they help!).

I was hoping that this problem would dissolve as the kids got a little older, but I see that more experienced Mamas still deal with this. I guess I'll have a lot more time for character development!

Tjej


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I guess I need to take the personality quiz, but I bet I'm the same type as PPs.

I am super impatient (working on it, but some days, it just doesn't work, period!) and yesterday DS (2) told me out of the blue, "Mommy, you're makin' me NUTS!" B/c apparently that's what I say when he's driving me to distraction and I need him to shut it for 2 minutes. Ugh. I feel you, OP. Wish there weren't so many of us in this position!


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## CarricksMom (Feb 15, 2007)

Oh wow! I was coming on here to post almost the same thing! I haven't done Meyer's Briggs in a while so I forgot what I am, but I know I am an introvert that needs no distractions when trying to get something accomplished.

My DH works out of town during the week, so I get NO alone time then. I usually crash when DS goes to bed, but then get up early before he gets up to make a little preparation for whatever we are doing that day.

DH has been pointing out how horrible my tone is and when I think about it, it is always when I have something on my mind that I need to get done and can't do it because DS is needing my attention. When I don't get the thing done, I am always thinking about it and ruining the time I should be enjoying with DS.

I know I would be a much better mother if I could just get 15 min a day to do my thing and get a little organization in my life. Hopefully one day DH will find a job back in our home town so he can relieve me a little.

It has helped to know that others cannot multi-task. I honestly thought I was the only female who could not. Thanks for posting SheSpeeds - I hope more people will give their coping strategies!


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## friskykitty (Jul 4, 2010)

I am ESTJ but have some control issues as well. I wonder if it's the TJ part that gets us?


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

XNTP here, and I had two counselors tell me I couldn't change my fundamental personality, but I'm using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (a workbook) and it has really helped me see what gets me worked up and why. It's actually changing the way I see things. So hopefully I'll mellow out... I can multi-task, but I can NOT multi-person-interaction, LOL.

Stacey, ROFL. That's my children, only I'm probably sorting laundry and at the end, I get from the one-year-old, "Nurse?" and from the three-year-old, "Can you make this [object] talk like a REAL [object]?"

There is no smiley that looks as insane as I do when that happens.


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## Melanie_7773 (Mar 22, 2007)

I can't help but respond, if only because I am a solid ISTJ and haven't seen this "type" represented yet.









I feel like my mantra to my 4.5 year old daughter is "How many people am I? Right, just one. And how many things can I do at once? Right again, just one." That and, "Yes, I will do that _in just a minute_."

I think I can actually be pretty proficient at trying to get multiple things done in the same timeframe, but I do prefer to finish one thing before I start another. It drives me nutty when I'm trying to think about something and my 4yo is chattering at me, or when I have three people demanding my attention at once. And yes, when I have a mental checklist of demands I am trying to meet and someone chimes in with yet another thing (especially when that someone is my husband!) it can drive me nearly over the edge.

My MIL used to work in HR and is trained in Myers Briggs. She is awesome at "typing" people off-the-cuff. I've taken the test a couple of times (I guess I needed to be convinced that it wouldn't change!) and she has been greatly amused at how much I agonize over choosing the "right" answer (not right in an absolute sense, but right for me). Apparently for her this just re-inforces what she already knows to be true about my "type" and the futility in bothering to re-take the test. Especially since I score strongly in all categories.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

INFP here I have taken the test a few times of the year and I always score INFP. I too can be bitchy with my DS and DH and then I feel horrible right away. DS has picked up my frustrated growl









I think it has a lot to do with being an introvert, I feel like I barely get time alone to recharge.


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