# I am screaming inside. I am hurting and I need help.



## Tripletmomtx (Feb 10, 2007)

I am hurting. I am angry and sad and inside I am screaming and it doesn't matter. I feel like it just doesn't matter. I am screaming inside. I feel like there is no one to talk to because no one will understand. I feel guilty for having wanted to add to the family because my desire to have another baby resulted in almost 2 months of being frozen waiting for my miscarriage. Something went wrong and I feel it is my fault for wanting too much. I feel like I was being greedy and so I am being punished. Is it so wrong to want a large family?

I feel like I am in a box. And I am begin for help, for comfort, no one hears me because my mouth is not opening to ask because I don't know how. I don't want to seem weak and I don't want others to know that I am hurting because what an inconvenience that would be. I am supposed to move on, everything happens for a reason. So WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I lose my baby. WHY am I not preparing for my delivery in April. WHY am I bleeding with an empty womb. Why wont it stop hurting. Why cant I just get over it. Where is my faith. I need help. I need help. Is this what mourning feels like. I dont want to feel it. I just want my baby. My pregnancy. My VBAC in April.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

I am so very sorry for your loss.

It's never weak to tell someone irl that you are hurting. I hope that you can open up to someone you trust so that you don't go through this alone.

My prayers are with you.
Melanie


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I am so sorry mama.

I think grief has all kinds of ebbs and flows--anger, sadness, numbness, peace, connection, all come and go. I think the quickest way to more peace is right through the thick of it, not stepping around it. This note you wrote seems like a good step. I think all kinds of expression is supportive--drawing, writing, ranting, crying, talking. If you want that with another person, find a trusted one and go for it. I see you were going to have a homebirth. Your midwife might be a great person to talk with. Mine was.

I hope you find relief and comfort soon...and again and again and again.


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## Tripletmomtx (Feb 10, 2007)

Thanks. I have been feeling like I needed to get it out. Like I needed to say it or write it down and once I started typing what I was feeling I couldnt stop typing and I couldnt stop sobbing. I feel such a loss. Everything I was hoping for gone. The only solace is that I was able to miscarry at home and bury my little one under our fig tree. Doing it by myself was so empowering but grieving by myself is not. It just hurts and makes me mad at myself for not opening up and mad at DH for not seeing that I am dying inside. Thanks for responding, it helps to know others get what I am going through.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

You sound so angry, sad and everything in between too.







Talking helps, or at least for me posting does. If you really need an IRL connection, find a group of women who have experienced what you are going through. Even if you don't talk about it all the time, just knowing that the subject is entirely approachable and acceptable makes you feel like you have an outlet. I am sorry you are hurting.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey Mama,
I'm sorry to hear things are so hard. And VERY sorry to hear you lost your little sweety.

That thing about wanting a big family being greedy: Simply not true. Having so much love in your heart that you want someone else to pour it out on is GOOD. It's a quality you have that's very praiseworthy!

About your grief possibly "inconveniencing" someone: That won't be the case with many people. And of those who will think that, they have issues! They own that problem. You don't own it. And they have no right to "inconvenience" you like that! This little truth won't make the mean people less mean, but at least you'll have it in your head!

Faith and grief can both be super-strong right there together. There's a really good thread going on this board called "Does faith negate grieving?" It'd be good to read.

I know what I said doesn't just fix things. But maybe you can know that some of us really do care. And we understand. And we've been there to (or are there too.) And we'll be here to listen.


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## jeffsdear (Aug 21, 2007)

I'm so sorry!








It is so hard to deal with the loss of a baby! Please keep posting. We know what it feels like...

Wishing you peace...


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## jsmith2279 (Jan 12, 2007)

I have no words, but deepest sympathy.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

so sorry mama, I feel the same way sometimes.







to you and vent way. The only way I was able to get over some of the anger was to keep talking to the women here.


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## ChrisR (Jun 21, 2007)




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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I am so sorry. Maybe you could look into seeing a therapist to help you- that is what they are there for. After my loss I didn't want to bother anyone but my therapist helped me SO much. I know how hard it is. We all do. You can always come here for a shoulder...


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry mama! Wanting a big family is NOT greedy. You have a lot of love that you want to share. I have three earth children and 2 angels waiting for me in heaven. And we are going to TTC again in December. I have always wanted a big family and I do not feel greedy for it.

Our emotions loom large. We feel angry, frustrated, sad for what we have lost in losing our child/ren. I think all the feeling you have are completely normal.

Keep posting here, vent away. We have all been there and can hope with you, pray with you, send hugs and if you want, one day watch you get a BFP again! I know it hurts right now, I know it is agonizing not to be getting ready for a delivery in April, but we'll be there with you!

Love and prayers to you!


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## kayshajon (Jul 29, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your anger is understandable. I feel it too - I should also be preparing for an April baby. I can only tell you that whenever anyone asked if they could do something - I answered YES! and then I told them to make me dinner, or watch DD while I sleep, or bring over a bottle of wine/chocolate, etc. Honestly, I'm not the type to ask for help either. But I learned something huge from this experience. Not only did it make my friends/family feel like they were doing something for me, but it also made me feel so loved and supported. I bet there are people around you who would love to help but are trying to give you space. Reach out. Please.


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## Tripletmomtx (Feb 10, 2007)

Thanks. I am moving forward. The bleeding is pretty much over now. It means alot to have so much support and understanding. I think coming on here has been a big part of my ability to get through this.


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## jen&james (Oct 27, 2005)

I am so sorry momma, I know your pain, today is the due date of the baby I lost at 13 weeks back in May. I know how it is to feel it is your fault but it isn't. I have felt I somehow caused what happened to my little one. I hope you find the support you need here and know that there is hope and time does heal.


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## tripleblessed (Mar 21, 2007)

I am so sorry you are going through this....I too am a fellow mom to triplets and have had two m/c trying for #4. I had a D&C back in May and was due in December...our perfect Christmas gift to complete our family!







....I will be praying for peace and comfort for you.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

*hugs* mama i pray for peace for you too.


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## jauncourt (Mar 15, 2007)

There really are no words. I wish there were.


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## melibee (Aug 20, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama.


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)




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