# Need help to stop spanking and yelling.



## sonya_mamafor4 (Sep 5, 2003)

Hi,
I need some help.I am new to the whole AP way of parenting in some aspects.One of them is discipline.I rarely spank but want to
stop completely.How do you stop?What other ways do you discipline?I seem to use time outs for my older ones about 5 minutes if they are fighting or simply won't obey after being told a few times.
My three year old son whines all the time and sometimes that is really hard to deal with.That and my dd and ds fighting.Which happens every day.How do I deal with these things?
I was raised with the spare the rod spoil the child aspect and also a lot of verbal and emotional abuse.And I have succeed in not doing many of the things that my mother did.
Oh yes,the yelling that might be a bigger problem then the spanking and it seems to be harder to stop.I start without thinking and then I hear how I sound to my children.It's so awful and I just want to stop.
Please help,needs lots of advice and suggestions.
Sonya


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

I'm so happy for you and your family that you want and intend to move towards more positive parenting. !!!!

I highly suggest the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" !! asap

Also "Everyday Blessings; the Inner Work of Mindful Parenting"

And "NonViolent Communication"

These books (as if you have time to read a bunch of books, but still...) offer tremendously helpful advice and perspective.

It is the truth that children want to please...that they naturally want to be social and learn how to fit peacefully into their world. Believe in them and trust them.

It is also the truth that they are children and are therefore entitled to act as such. Don't expect them to be little adults. Respect their time of life.

And remember that you are the adult....so act as such. As an adult you have better access to patience...to perspective...rather than trying to control your children, control yourself.

So often it seems parents behave like children all the while expecting the children to behave like adults. (i'm certainly not saying that you are, i'm just speaking in general). Maybe if you brought up a specific situation we could be of more help.


----------



## redsmama (Sep 6, 2003)

I find that I am the happiest with my children's behavior when I am happiest with my relationship with them. Our relationship is best when I intentionally spend quality time focused on them and make a sincere and effective effort to communicate. My off-the-cuff advice about gd is to:
(1) spend quality time listening, loving and playing with your children;
(2) limit your rules to what is important and, in doing so, respect your children's needs to explore and create their own boundries;
(3) clearly communicate your rules and the consequences;
(4) make the consequences as natural and related to the behavior as possible;
(5) consistently follow through on the consequences; and
(6) admit when you are wrong (which should not be often as you are charged with making thoughtful decisions).
As an example, if my child unnecessarily whines, I might make a joke to make her laugh, not "hear" her until she stops, tell her if she continues then my answer is no (and mean it), leave the room, tell her she needs to leave the room if she wants to continue whining because it is bothering others, or if it is late and she is tired gently take her in my arms and redirect her with a book and tuck her in.


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

I forgot to mention an important aspect regarding behavior...

Work to get to the emotions behind the action. That is KEY! And acknowledge your child's feelings.


----------



## sonya_mamafor4 (Sep 5, 2003)

Hi,
Thank you for the replys so far.I have had the siblings without rivalry from my library before and have never had the chance to finish more than a few chapters.I will be getting that book again soon.I really liked what I had read.I will also look into the other books that were mentioned.
Sonya


----------



## Sasha_girl (Feb 19, 2003)

Sonya, that's wonderful that you are making changes! Right now I'm reading _The Natural Child: Parent From the Heart_ by Jan Hunt. It was kind of hard to find (I'm sure Amazon has it), but is amazing. There is an epiphany on every page, no joke. I also got a lot of help from _The Discipline Book_ by Dr. Sears.

I know what you're going through, it sounds like our stories are similar. If you need to talk PM me.


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

I just want to second the recommendation for "The Natural Child; Parenting from the Heart" book. It's one of my very favorites!!!
Excellent, must-have read!


----------



## mommab (Sep 23, 2003)

Here is a little thing that has helped me get along better at times when I knew I was going to be aggravated: Try looking right into your child's eyes and saying, "I love you just the way you are."

Good luck!


----------



## Guava~Lush (Aug 9, 2003)

I hear ya, Sonya. I struggle with this too. I already have a tendancy to lean towards depression, my husband lost his 2nd job, and to top it off, we always talk about seperating. I have to work on patience, and the way I was raised by mom was, now that I look back, very abusive. Yelling, hitting, putting me down, making me feel stupid and worthless.
Needless to say, we don't talk. So the harder I try to not be like her, the more guilty I feel if I take a step backwards.

I like all the suggestions made, and my ds just turned 3 and his 'phases' are grating on me. Talking back, sometimes hitting, not sharing too well, he is obsessed with guns. I know he got this from Buzz Lightyear- which he no longer watches.

But everytime he acts up, it's my opportunity to work on myself and prove that I can change the pattern of behavior.
Hugs to you!!!


----------



## Sasha_girl (Feb 19, 2003)

You might check out The Natural Child Project. There are a lot of wonderful articles on gentle parenting that might help you. What I always *try* to remember is that my children will always behave as they are treated. When I find myself losing my temper and starting to yell I try to stop and think, "Would this method work on me? How would I react if someone were to speak to me this way? Am I being respectful?" Almost always I will change direction.

Good luck.


----------



## Lucysmama (Apr 29, 2003)

Congratulations to you for wanting to break the chain of yelling and spanking!







It's not easy!!!!

I highly recommend doing what some experts call "emotional coaching" with your children...esp if they are in the throes of a tantrum or are fighting. This basically consists of very calmly talking your upset/angry/frustrated child through their feelings. I find that when I do this with my tantruming/fighting daughter, I stay *much* calmer and hear myself making sense, teaching her to identify her emotions, and most of all, NOT yelling. (I came from a yelling house, too - so that is my instinct. I am proud to say I have stopped the chain of yelling and verbal abuse, though!)

First, talk with your child about HOW she is feeling, using the correct emotional words: "You are feeling hurt because your brother hit you." Then, validate her emotions: "It IS upsetting when someone hits you. It's ok to feel upset about that." and so forth...also let her know what it is NOT ok to do: kick him in retaliation, for example. Then, ask her for suggestions on what she could do to handle it better if it happens again.

There is a book called "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" that I found very helpful, though I didn't agree with *everything* in the book.

Doing this has really helped me and my daughter to stay calm during her normal toddler freak-outs. When I am calmly talking, she usually stops yelling and really listens. I have stopped feeling like I wanna scream when she misbehaves!
Good luck!!!


----------



## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

Here are some really good books that are based on behavioral principles of learning:

The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham

Powerful Struggles by John Maag

Parenting without Punishment by John Maag

Very very good!!!


----------

