# mixed feelings about second child



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

We wanted this second child. We still do. But I'm having all these doubts and I don't know what to do with them. It's too late for me to have doubts.

The main problem I'm having is wondering how having a second child will affect my relationship with DS. I am really devoted to him and we are very close. I feel like I have to push him aside to a certain extent to make room for another child in our life, and that thought breaks my heart. Before this child was conceived, I was concerned about this but I figured it would just work itself out somehow. Now that I am actually pregnant I am really feeling like I am mourning the loss of my time with just DS. This bugs me. I feel like I am losing him and I hate that. Also I want this second child to be welcomed into our lives just as joyfully as DS was, and right now I don't feel like that's happening.







Maybe I just need time. I just found out I am pregnant last week.

I don't know if I am saying this very well. Don't think I am not excited about having this baby, because I am. It's just that there is this other side to it, where I almost feel like I am betraying my DS. Does that make any sense?


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## KiwiZ (Apr 4, 2004)

Its natural to be worried about your relationship with your kid(s) when another is about to make an appearance and demand so much of your time







I've heard many moms say, "How will I have enough love to go around?" but you will.

You haven't met your little one on the way yet. when you do, its as exciting as the first! Trust me on this! The dynamics of your lives will change and you will wonder how did you exist without this new little baby before. Make sure your firstborn is included in all the excitement. Maybe buy a special toy/book for them, make a big deal about how important it is to be a big brother, and ask him to "help" you with baby. He will feel so important and special.

I have two children, a 3.5 yo and a 16 mo now and I make sure I have one on one time with each as well as together time. Congratulations to you


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I think we have all had that feeling. When I was pg with Nitara I went from being so excited to "OMG what have we done???"

It will be great. Even with a very troubled pregnancy and a special needs baby, I have no regrets at all. It's so neat to see Abi and Nitara developing their own unique relationship that is separate from my relationship with each of them. Abi loves helping me and I think she feels extra special when we take her on "big girl" dates while Nitara has to stay home.

We've had our struggles, but now Nitara is 9 mos old and I've found my groove again. So has Abi. It's been great for her. I think she appreciates our one-one-one time a lot more and seems grateful for it rather than feeling she's entitled to it. She's becoming less self-centered and more understanding and giving.

Congrats on your little-one-to-be!

Darshani


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## mom at home (Nov 19, 2001)

I think it's a normal process to grieve for our oldest and our relationship with them when we get preg with the second. Your relationship will be different after a new baby -there is no way around it, but it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It is a very big change, though.

I got preg accidently with my second when my first was only 14 months. I was so bummed. I totally felt like I was taking away her babyhood. I felt resentful of the baby in my belly and felt like I didn't want her.

BUT, it all worked out. I immediately fell in love with my new baby and we all bonded. I can't even imagine life without her.

I understand how you are feeling.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I think having the second just makes you realize that you have to let go of your baby and share him with the world. I still remember him on my lap the night before I gave birth and I do miss being so purely with him. Now my lap is almost always occupied by the nursling. Joey comes and sits by us but it feels like he stops by for a visit. He has Daddy, the dog, his new brother and me all to keep happy. It will never be the same. I grab him for some lap time if he is tired or fussy and will tolerate me for a while. I miss him. I miss my oldest baby who was my only for 17 years. I suppose he just wandered away with age rather than anything as clear as the new baby being born. I never doubt I will have enough love but I do know that the first year or two are so special we really need to cherish that time.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Thank you, mamas. It helps to hear about other people's experiences.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
I miss him.

This is how I feel already.







I feel like I am losing him. We will never again have the special relationship we have now. I guess that would happen whether we had another baby or not, it would just be slower. And I know he has to grow up sometime, so maybe it's for the best that things are happening this way. I'm sure mothers have been grieving this process for milennia. I'm just feeling sad about it, I guess.

But it's true - once the baby is here and real in my arms, this will all make sense. Won't it? Please tell me it will!


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

A mother does not divide her love it is multiplied!


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Honestly, it's not that I don't think I will love this second child, I know I will. But I almost feel like I'm betraying DS by loving another child as much as I love him right now!

I was an only child myself, maybe this is part of it. To me the parent/child relationship has always been a one-on-one kind of thing.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

My second is two-months old. I still really miss my first. Part of it could be that I miss her baby self, though. She is so independent now that she is three. Also, I envy her closeness with her father, who took over much of her day-to-day care during the pregnancy. And sometimes I feel as though my love was finite, that instead of multiplying, it divided and now each child gets less. My dc1 has my heart, but less of my time and attention, whereas dc2 has all of my time, all of my attention, but a little less of my heart (although the situation is changing, dc2 is growing on me and I'm trying to spend more time caring for dc1). Sounds harsh, but this is how it's been for me.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Dodo, I can understand this being true. I don't know how it was for you when your first was born, but for me it took a while for me to grow into my love for him. It's not that I _didn't_ love him, but my love for him grew as he did. I imagine it will be the same with this one. I don't expect to love him as much as my first right off the bat.







: That sounds so awful when I just say it flat out like that. But that's how I am.









Your second is only 2 months old, still at the "needy lump" stage, while your first DC is a real person with a real personality. Plus you've known DC1 a lot longer. I imagine things will even out more as they get older.

I'm not a newborn type of mom. Some mamas love tiny babies, I tend to enjoy them more once they start doing stuff.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

I fell head-over-heels in love with my first the moment I saw her. In fact, I never understood mothers who didn't fall for their kids the way I did mine. In a way, that's emblematic of this whole experience. Everything about this kid is different, which makes me want to hide my head in shame for any time I gave parenting advice to other parents. I now realize that what I was doing worked for dd and that the same things don't work for everyone. Very humbling.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I'm 9 months now with ds2. I can honestly say, I miss Tracy. Imiss the snuggle time we had. I miss the games we would play. I just miss it being us.

That said, I love our "new" family. I lve the way Tracy has become a big brother. I love the way I get to snuggle with Tracy AND Bryce. I get to play games with them together. I get to sit on the couch and watch Tracy and Bryce play together. I get to hear Tracy say, "Ove you Bwyce!" He gives him and big hug and a tiny kiss.

It is different and there are things I miss but you are right. Things do work themselves out. When Bryce was first born everything felt perfect. Its a little harder now that Tracy is exploring independence and Bryce is getting to be a little person who does things. But it is so much fun. the times I really miss Tracy just being an only is when I stop and think about it. trust me, you'll be too busy to think about it









Congrats! I had missed your announcement. You are in for an advernture! Just think your baby gets to be a big brother!!


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Thanks, Megan!


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## Perogi (Mar 31, 2004)

I totally, totally understand. I just found that I'm expecting in July and dd is 16 months old. We wanted this pregnancy but now that it is here I too feel terrible for dd. I'm wishing I had waited and given her more alone time with me. At the same time, I love the thought of giving her a sibling. So I'm right there with you and we'll see how it all pans out.


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## delighted.mama (Jan 29, 2003)

I'm so glad I ran across this thread. We're expecting our second some time next week (or any minute, depending on what this little one wants to come out!







) and I've felt the same way that most of you have described. DD is my baby. I loved her from the beginning, but it took a while to really fall in love with her. KWIM? She definitely grew on me as she got bigger. I love her so much now and she is such a joy that I can't imagine how I will feel the same about another baby. I know this is mostly in my head, but I still think about it. Before DD was born, dh and I talked about how we couldn't imagine loving someone as much as we loved our dog.







I know, it sounds crazy! Needless to say, we now are embarrased to even admit that, considering how much we adore our dd. The dog is just "the dog" now. I know that the same concept applies to the second, but there is still that seed of guilt and doubt when I think, "what will it be like now with my dd? Am I doing her a disservice by forcing this on her? How will our relationship stay so close?" I'm glad that I'm not the only one thinking about these things. I guess it is just a process that we all have to go through before we realize that we have an abundance of love to go around to all the different people in our lives!









Libby


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## whimsy (Aug 6, 2004)

This is my fourth and I'm still having those feelings. But when I look at how much my kids love EACH OTHER, I see that I am not short changing them.

My twins were 8 when Brody was born. Not only where they our only children, they were the only grandchildren on my side. My sisters fawned over them from the get go. I was SO worried about how they would adjust to the change.

The day after Brody was born Caitlin was crying when it was time for her to go home (I had to stay an extra day) I thought "oh my baby misses me and is upset" Well, she was upset, but not about leaving me. She said, "mom I love him so much my heart hurts to leave him" We weren't leaving him alone, I was there with him. But he wasn't just my baby, he was HERS, her brother and she needed to be with him.

So, it was a little bit of a ego crusher to realize I was no longer the most important person in her world.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

FMB-I just had my second DS in August. And I'm not going to lie about my experience thus far, it's been rough in this department. Not in the logistical way, or the time management way or all the other stuff that one thinks about and goes through when having another child. But my heart aches for my first son. I totally and completely miss him. We've been very, very close for over 2.6 years and then all of a sudden, there's this whole new dynamic.

The flip side is, I have lots of faith (somewhere!)that all will be well. And that my baby will always be my baby (my first DS). And that somewhere inside him he knows that he will always have the special designation of being my FIRST baby.

My ped talks about trying to always remembering that this is GOOD thing for your first child. And to always try to stay positive about this transition in front of your first child. And yes, there will be heartache, but I am trying to get mine healed my letting a lot our with DH and after DS is in bed.

Best wishes to you. So many wise mamas here. So many loving mamas


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## Mindy70 (Nov 1, 2004)

My dd will be 33 mths when #2 is born, if all goes well. I understand how you feel. I am due in June, and intend on making the most out of our time together. Just think- you child will have had you all to himself for almost three years, which is fantastic.

And instead of worrying about what you are taking away from him, think of what you are giving him. Siblings can bring so much joy to a child, especially when they are a bit older. Your child will have a playmate, a confidant, a fellow-mischief maker....that will be so special. Think of a new sibling as a gift- it is likely that he will be happier with a sibling than as an only child.


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

I have been exactly where you are, we just had our second child three weeks ago. I spent the majority of my pregnancy so worried about my son and what bringing another child into our family was going to do to him. Our first son was our whole world. He was the centre of our universe. And now we were going to selfishly bring a new baby into the family and completely alter everything our son knew and depended on!

But 3 weeks later I am now 100% positive that we did the right thing. My oldest son is thrilled to be a big brother and has adjusted wonderfully. My oldest will always have a special place in my heart since he was once my one and only. And now I have 2 amazing boys that have brought me so much love that i think my heart'll burst sometimes.


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

I felt this way myself - I was so afraid that my relationship with my second child would change/diminish what I had with my firstborn. It is a difficult transition since the fact that two people can't both be the most important person in the world.
There is an incredible essay on this in the book "Mothers Who Think" entitled "I love you both unequally" Super sad but also very powerful.

And I do agree with pp that having a second pushes you to let your firstborn grow - the first time I saw ds1 after having my second I burst into tears because until that very moment I had no idea how big he was.

Anyway, now that my second is 16 months old I realize how amazing he is not only for me and dh but also for my firstborn. ALL DAY LONG my big boy trys to get the attention of his little brother. He shows him off to other kids at the park - they take baths together and play tag with each other and my older son can't wait until his borther is big enough to share his room. At preschool last week they drew self-portraits and he drew his little brother into the picture








I truth - he has gained more from his brother than he lost from me. (though I am ashamed to admit that that I feel a bit left out every now and then)

Don't beat yourself up over feeling differently about this pregnancy - last time you were getting ready to become a mom this time you already are a mom - of course it is going to be different.

Hugs to you - it is really hard to welcome change when things are already good but this will only make it better









BJ
Barney & Ben


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## Bebelus (Jul 16, 2003)

I could have written your post. I am 9 weeks pg and DD1 is 26 months old. This was a planned pg, but I feel so ambiguous about it at times because of what I think a new baby will do to the relationship I have with DD. I cried at the beginning of the pg and not from happiness. And I was (am) so ashamed at feeling less than joyful at being pg. How can I be such a bad mom to this new little one with these feelings? I was so overjoyed the whole pg with DD1.

I still have these feelings, but they are diminishing somewhat. What has made the biggest impact on me is telling DD. She now talks about the "baby in mommy's belly" all the time. She says how she's going to share milk with her and show her the clock, put a bow in her hair (even though DD won't allow anything in her own hair!), share her pillow, etc.







She insists the baby is a sister. Of course, I know it may be a totally different story when this baby arrives, but sharing the pg with DD has made me feel better, and maybe catch of glimpse of the love siblings can have. Oh, and I have 2 sisters and a brother, and the brother and I are extremely close, yet I've still felt this way. I'm guessing it's normal, although I know what you mean about wanting to welcome this 2nd baby the same way you did your first. I am also not a "baby person" and love the toddler stage more.

Ok, I'm rambling, but basically from 5 wks pg to 9 wks pg, I am starting to feel much better. Still have my worries, but I think there is definitely an adjustment period, and probably it's necessary as you think about how your lives will change when a new life joins you.

Best wishes to you.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Maybe it's the hormones but I almost cried a few times while reading this thread. Thank you so much mamas for sharing all your thoughts and experiences. I really feel so much better just knowing other mamas have felt this way too - I still have the same sad feelings but at least now I don't feel like a horrible person for having them, lol.

Thank you again.


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## momatheart23 (May 25, 2002)

Welcome to the world of mothering more than one child. My "baby" is turning one, and I still miss that one one one closeness sometimes. I remember when I brought my second home, I was so sad at the loss of one on oneness with my oldest, but when I watched my oldest hug his brother and kiss him, and worry about him when he is crying, it makes it alright. I always feel more divided sometimes, but then I just surrender and remember that I am giving them both a gift, another person who is tied to them for life, who they can call in need and relate to in a way no one else will understand. Yes there are definitely hard moments, but when my oldest wakes up and asks "where's brother" and gives him a big hug and kiss, it makes it all worth it and I know that I didn't take away from my oldest, I gave to him.


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