# What Do You Think About This??



## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

*This is long....I'm sorry*

My 8 year old nephew (the same one who stole $400.00 from me a few weeks ago







) had some type of breakfast/poetry reading thing before school one day last week. He told his parents (Dad and Stepmom) about it and gave them the little info sheet on it. Dad couldn't make it because he starts work early, and nephew's stepmom said she WOULDN'T go because she doesn't like to get out of bed until 8:30 or 9 am. Yes, that's right. She has a new baby and does not work outside the home.

Needless to say, nephew was disappointed his parents could not/would not make it but he still wanted to go. So when he went out to wait for the bus, he made the decision to walk to school instead so he could get there in time for the breakfast (NOT a good decision because he lives on a country road and it is a very looooong walk to school, but he's 8 years old and doesn't understand that).

So, a nice lady on her way to work sees nephew walking down this country road (no sidewalks) and stops and asks him what he's doing. He tells her he's walking to school. She picks him up and drives him to school. Thank goodness it was a nice lady on her way to work and not a crazy killer or child molester. So he gets to school alright, but the lady goes into the office and tells the school secretary that she picked this kid up off the side of a country road and that didn't seem right to her (I think she was totally right to do this. I would have done the exact same thing.)

So, school calls Dad and Stepmom to let them know what happened. Dad and Stepmom are FURIOUS with nephew that he did that. OK, it was a bad decision on his part, but I feel his parents really let him down. Obviously, making it to the breakfast/poetry reading really meant a lot to him, so much so that he was willing to walk in order to get there in time for it.

My issue with this whole thing is this: Why the HECK is Stepmom not watching nephew get on the bus everyday? I guess their routine is that she gets out of bed to make him breakfast, then goes back to sleep when he's done. He goes outside and gets on the bus himself. Personally, I think she is being lazy. Yeah, I know she has a baby, but I think it's a little lazy that she doesn't watch to make sure nephew gets on the bus alright.

My DH said that this is all nephew's fault, he did a stupid thing, yadda, yadda. Yep, he's grounded for it. I think Stepmom is partly at fault here. I think that part of her job as a sahm should be to at least make sure her stepson gets on the bus in the morning 5 days a week. Then she can go back to bed and sleep all day if she wants. Just to clarify: she does not suffer from PPD, the baby is healthy, they are not up all night, etc. She just HATES getting up in the morning. She freely admits to that.

I mean, how hard is it to sit on the couch by the window for 10 minutes or so and make sure your stepson gets on the bus? I really don't think my nephew bears all the responsibility for this.

Also, the school official who called after it happened really ripped Stepmom a new one over it, so now she's on the defensive. They said the incident is going into some permanent file. (I have no idea what that means. From what I understand, there is no disciplinary action against nephew; the parents get some sort of bad mark for it. There is already a bad mark in there because Stepmom is often late in picking him up from school. He takes the bus in the morning and gets picked up in the afternoon.) So for once in my life, I agree with a school.









What do you think????? Is an 8 year old old enough to get on a school bus without supervision, or does Stepmom need to get her act together?


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Poor kid!

I would feel so bad that it happened, that I don't think I could be mad at my own child. Dad is probably reacting to the embarrassment of being called about it, more than the fear of what could happen.

He should be grateful he got a call in the morning to say his son was at school, instead of at 3:00 p.m to say he never got to school that day.


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## psyche (Apr 6, 2005)

Stepmom needs to get her act together. An eight-year-old is probably old enough to get on the bus by him/herself *most* of the time, but they're not governed by the same rules of logic as adults. They simply cannot think like a grown-up; hence, trying to walk to school for the poetry thing. (That just breaks my heart!)

I really don't like her.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm trying to think what I did when my kids were around that age. The school bus currently stops right in front of our house, and either I or my Mom watches DS get on the bus. I don't watch my 13yo get on the bus though- I trust her to do that independently, I'm barely awake yet.

DS was born when the girls were in K and 1st grade, and I always took him out with me to meet the school bus morning and afternoons. Then he was in preschool and I had to drive him as soon as the bus came, so it just made sense to go outside with the girls, get them on the bus, then buckle up DS and drive him to school. After that, I had a kindergartner again but by then he was getting on the bus with both of his sisters. I've never, ever, had just an 8yo without a younger sibling who needed supervision.

For some kids, 8 is too young to get on the bus alone. Other 8yos are ready for that. I'd certainly let an 8yo play outside without adult supervision.

There certainly seem to be problems in this family, but I'd hesitate to label the stepmom as "neglectful" based on her letting an 8yo go to the bus stop alone.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Stepmom is lazy and selfish. He is 8. Where is Mom?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

He's 8. He's capable of getting on the bus by himself, he simply chose not to do so.

I don't think an 8 year old needs to be supervised to get on a bus.


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## NotTheOnlyOne (Oct 23, 2006)

maybe not neglectful of his safety, but certainly of his needs. That recital was obviously very important. Who can tell a child no about something like that????

And in MY opinion..... she should at least watch him from the house. Even if we trust 8 yr olds to wait nicely and get on the bus alone, do we trust everyone else that could drive by? Kids DO get kidnapped. There ARE child molesters in the world.


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommytoTwo* 
Stepmom is lazy and selfish. He is 8. Where is Mom?

Mom is in another state. She does not have custody, but she does have visitation. He sees her on holidays and for a few weeks during the summer.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Well I think that he is obviously too young.

I can understand why she might have thought it would be okay, but I hope that after this incident she will start making sure he gets on the bus.

How old is the baby?
Babies are a lot of work, and I wouldn't label her as being lazy for wanting to stay in bed.
It is hard for me to get up most mornings, (bc of my babe) and I am a morning person!

I can certainly understand why you are frustrated with her.
She needs to make herself stay up until after he is on the bus.

How do you KNOW there isn't a PPD issue going on? Many women are in denial about it...
This situation sounds like it could very well be linked to PPD or some other mental health issue going on with the Stepmother.

I feel very bad that your poor nephew is going through this. It sounds like he was left in a situation where he had too much responsibility, and his Stepmom isn't acknowledging how her actions played a part in the situation.

Poor Kid









.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Hmmm...I think personally I'd want to watch him get on the bus, at least until he had done it enough times that I felt like he was OK doing it alone, and then a certain comfort thing would set in and I'd probably start letting him go alone. Would it be laziness on my part? Probably. But it's hard to know, because at 8 years old I walked to the bus stop with my 7 year old sister, and it was a heckuva long way away. When I was 7, we lived in a different place, and I walked a mile to school by myself, sometimes. There were friends walking, but not always, especially if the teacher kept me late for some reason, which happened at least once that I can remember. It's just the way it was, so maybe the stepmom is more used to that kind of thing. Even now there are kids in my daughter's school who walk home by themselves. I always go and pick my child up because I worry about her, but maybe I'm overprotective (although I usually am considered underprotective by most people).


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## aurinia (Jun 16, 2007)

I think stepmom is in the wrong. How hard is it to at least sit by the window and watch to make sure your nephew makes it onto the bus? IMO, going back to sleep after he eats, leaving him to be responsible for getting everything he needs ready for the day, is just lazy and irresponsible on her part. I have an 8yr old who is fairly responsible for her age, and while she basically does a good job getting her stuff together in the morning, inevitably there is something she forgets or needs from me. And I always either go outside with her or at least watch from the doorway while she's waiting for the bus. Always. One morning not too long after we moved here, she was outside waiting alone (other kids hadn't made it to the bus stop yet) and a man in a car pulled up beside her....as soon as I stepped outside (with large dog in tow), he sped off. I shudder to think what could have happened had I not been watching, to her or ANY kid by themselves!

What he did was wrong, yes, and he needs to be made aware that it is not safe to take off like that...however, its obvious that the breakfast/recital meant a lot to him, and it breaks my heart that he felt so let down by his parents that he felt walking was his only option.







Stepmom needs to not be so lazy and selfish.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

The step mom's lazy uncaring uninvolved attitude towards this child makes me want to puke.

They leave the kids to his own devices, and give little guidance and when he does make executive decisions they slam him like a criminal. I feel so sorry for him.


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

I know that in the Buffalo suburbs area, it's mandatory to stand with your child at the bus stop and be waiting for them at the bus stop until they're 12 or 13 years old.

If the parent/guardian isn't outside with the child, the bus driver is not allowed to pick them up.

And his stepmom sounds a lot like my StepMIL, who DH and BIL now cannot STAND because she's incredibly self-centered, me-oriented and selfish. They used to go through this exact scenario as kids daily, because StepMIL wanted to sleep in. She wouldn't make them breakfast, get them dressed, nothing. She repeated the process with her own daughters, and the youngest is about to fail the 8th grade for the 3rd time because of unexcused absences due to StepMIL not getting her butt out of bed and helping her kid get on the bus.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Redifer* 
And his stepmom sounds a lot like my StepMIL, who DH and BIL now cannot STAND because she's incredibly self-centered, me-oriented and selfish. They used to go through this exact scenario as kids daily, because StepMIL wanted to sleep in. She wouldn't make them breakfast, get them dressed, nothing. She repeated the process with her own daughters, and t*he youngest is about to fail the 8th grade for the 3rd time because of unexcused absences due to StepMIL not getting her butt out of bed and helping her kid get on the bus.*

A TEENAGER can't get breakfast and get on the bus on their own??

I suppose she wasn't taught how to be organized and responsible?

I just imagine my boys being more independent at that age...but I am pretty clueless considering my oldest is only 5!!

.


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## grumpybear (Oct 5, 2006)

Poor kid.

I hate getting up in the morning though but when my child is up, so am I.
She certainly isn't behaving like a mom, for sure (at least to this child).


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
A TEENAGER can't get breakfast and get on the bus on their own??

I suppose she wasn't taught how to be organized and responsible?

I just imagine my boys being more independent at that age...but I am pretty clueless considering my oldest is only 5!!

.

No, she wasn't taught. How is she supposed to teach her children to get up in the morning if she won't? How are they supposed to learn how to make themselves something to eat if she takes GrandMIL out to eat (on GMIL's bill) every time she's hungry, or calls for take-out? How are they supposed to learn to get on the bus by themselves when for the entire time they were supposed to be learning how with mom by their side, they were missing weeks of school because mom didn't feel like getting out of bed?

This kid has literally almost failed every single year of school for absences. GrandMIL bails her out of it because she worked in the school district for 40-someodd years, so younger SIL manages to eek by and pass. All because her mother couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to take her to the bus all those years it was mandatory for a child to be accompanied by an adult. Now that she's old enough to be unaccompanied, she feels she doesn't have to because she has learned her mother will let her stay home.

They've had CPS at their house 4 times for investigations because of younger SIL's truancy. StepMIL has had to go to counseling and whatnot, and she does, then just goes right back to her old self.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
He's 8. He's capable of getting on the bus by himself, he simply chose not to do so.

I don't think an 8 year old needs to be supervised to get on a bus.

Me neither.

And I'd go so far as to say that step-mom is NOT mom and doesn't have the obligations to this kid that the father and mother have. If dad wants him supervised getting on the bus, he needs to do it himself or find someone else to do it. If he doesn't, he needs to go over the rules with his son and hold him accountable.

I sure as hell would have consequences for a child who took it upon himself to walk to school when he was sent out to get on the bus.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I feel sorry for this kid for a lot of reasons. Stepmom definitely needs to get her act together. Who cares if 8 is old enough to get on a bus by himself--why wouldn't she WANT to go with him to get on it, if she's a SAHM?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I feel sorry for this kid for a lot of reasons. Stepmom definitely needs to get her act together. Who cares if 8 is old enough to get on a bus by himself--why wouldn't she WANT to go with him to get on it, if she's a SAHM?


Speaking for myself, because I don't feel that infantalizing my children is doing them any favors.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

How is walking with your child to the bus so that he/she doesn't have to go and stand there by him/herself infantalizing in any way? I would walk with my DH to the bus stop just to keep him company, and he's 25 years old. I have a soon-to-be 7-year-old, and I can't imagine him actually WANTING to go by himself to catch the bus in a year's time.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
How is walking with your child to the bus so that he/she doesn't have to go and stand there by him/herself infantalizing in any way? I would walk with my DH to the bus stop just to keep him company, and he's 25 years old.

Maybe your DH likes or needs that. My DH and my kids neither need nor want that. I'm happy that my family all are able to cope with the bus stop without needing my input. I've always found that people rise to expectations.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I think that 8 is PLENTY old enough to walk out the front door and get on a school bus...

I think it's ridiculous that a woman with a new baby is supposed to get fully dressed, dress the baby just to watch a kid get on a bus.

At some points kids need to be responsible for small things on their own. Getting on a school bus isn't hard and something that an 8 year old is capable of.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kessed* 
I think that 8 is PLENTY old enough to walk out the front door and get on a school bus...

I think it's ridiculous that a woman with a new baby is supposed to get fully dressed, dress the baby just to watch a kid get on a bus.

At some points kids need to be responsible for small things on their own. Getting on a school bus isn't hard and something that an 8 year old is capable of.

I think it is ridiculous that someone makes no expections nor makes any extra effort for a child who clearly needs it. Because it is too hard.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
I think it is ridiculous that someone makes no expections nor makes any extra effort for a child who clearly needs it. Because it is too hard.









ITA.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I'm happy that my family all are able to cope with the bus stop without needing my input.

I'm sure my family could cope with it, too. I'm not satisfied with my kids merely coping, though.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

So she's a horrible, neglectful parent because she won't stay up early in the mornings post-partum?









Not being an active parent in the morning is all I see her doing in the OP, and that doesn't necessarily reflect on what she does the rest of the time.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I don't think she's horrible and neglectful. But as you said, she is not actively parenting in the mornings, which I think calls for improvement. If you have a new baby and you're the only one there to help your 8-year-old get ready for school, you just have to get up. This should not be confusing.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I think it depends on the child. I think it would be okay for some 8 year olds to do that.

It seems like maybe dn has been okay going to the bus stop alone many times but it isn't okay now. When I was 8 I walked to and from school alone and was fine.

My 8 year old would not be waiting at a bus stop alone. She is the type to act on impulse... follow any butterfly or decide to go for a walk.

It really sounds like your bil, sil and dn are having a hard time adjusting to the birth of his new sibling. How was sil with dn before the baby came along?


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## bjorker (Jul 25, 2005)

I don't think there is nearly enough info here to judge step-mom. Who knows what she's going through. Maybe nothing, maybe a lot. Really now, there's just no way to know that. And I do think that matters.

It doesn't sound like the boy deserves punishment, though. If it were me in the parent role, I would hope that I used it as a learning experience for my own self, as well as clarification as to what the 8-year-old might be needing. Such as more support, help understanding appropriate "stranger" rules, and perhaps a little more supervision while getting to the bus.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

My DD used to go to the bustop by herself (at the end of our little road) because she liked to. There were also two other kids but I would watch from the window. She wants me to drive her now anyway- so I do.
I think my issue is different with this situation. *I* think step mom should have gotten off her lazy butt and taken him to the breakfast/poetry thing, personally.
We're all tired... I'm tired. I have two kids, I'm a single parent, I get up at 3 every morning to deliver newspapers and I still go to my DD's school stuff- even when DS was a NB with colic and nursing every 12 minutes. Yeah, I'm her bio mother but I would imagine that this SM knew what she was getting into when she got married.
She's in the wrong more than the kid. Take your pick- either for not going to the thing with him or for not making sure he got on the bus. An 8 yr old (or 13 yr old) being nabbed up isn't unheard of walking to school or standing at the bus stop.
That said- if he was told not to go, he shouldn't have gone BUT she should be grounded too LOL
It sounds like there's a lot going on. If she doesn't want to take the role of mother (or even just caregiver), she shouldn't have gotten into this situation.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

since an 8 yo could be old enough to get on the bus by himself.

I do feel bad for the kid though since it sounds to me (from what I've read) that maybe he isn't getting a lot of attention from his dad. I do not at all blame the dad for having to work-dh and I both WOH-and I don't blame the stepmother for not going to the event but it seems like the kid really wanted to go and maybe he wasn't heard?


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
A TEENAGER can't get breakfast and get on the bus on their own??

I suppose she wasn't taught how to be organized and responsible?

I just imagine my boys being more independent at that age...but I am pretty clueless considering my oldest is only 5!!

.

That is an exception. When I was in middle school, my parents were already at work before I left the house. (Though I was a "latchkey" kid, so it is a bit different).

ETA: I don't think they should have grounded him at ALL for what he did. It may have been a good opportunity for them to realize they are not meeting his needs very well. Guess they didn't realize that, huh?


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## aurinia (Jun 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kessed* 
I think it's ridiculous that a woman with a new baby is supposed to get fully dressed, dress the baby just to watch a kid get on a bus.

Who said anything about her having to get fully dressed/get the baby dressed? Heck, there are many days baby and I don't make it out of our PJs, but I still watch DD1 get on the bus...its not a hard thing to do. Our bus stop is two houses down from us, so I usually either stand on the front porch or watch from the living room window. It wouldn't take much effort on SM's part to stand at a window and make sure her stepson made it on the bus.

And to all the people who said an 8yr old should be responsible enough to get himself on the bus in the morning...you know, most of them probably are. If I had to leave DD to her own devices, she'd probably be fine. But, as I said in my last post, you never know what can happen, and the fact that she could have been kidnapped/molested/whatever had I not been right there watching absolutely horrifies me. Its not a matter of infantalizing them, its a matter of keeping them safe.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aurinia* 
Who said anything about her having to get fully dressed/get the baby dressed? Heck, there are many days baby and I don't make it out of our PJs, but I still watch DD1 get on the bus...its not a hard thing to do. Our bus stop is two houses down from us, so I usually either stand on the front porch or watch from the living room window. It wouldn't take much effort on SM's part to stand at a window and make sure her stepson made it on the bus.

And to all the people who said an 8yr old should be responsible enough to get himself on the bus in the morning...you know, most of them probably are. If I had to leave DD to her own devices, she'd probably be fine. But, as I said in my last post, you never know what can happen, and the fact that she could have been kidnapped/molested/whatever had I not been right there watching absolutely horrifies me. Its not a matter of infantalizing them, its a matter of keeping them safe.


The chances of being kidnapped from a bus stop are negligable.


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## hippiemum21580 (Jul 14, 2007)

I have a son a year younger and though he is very responsible I still would do my JOB as a mom and be sure he was all set for school and ON teh bus. (and I speak as a mom who has other kids to care for and am ALWAYS tired!) She is obviously expecting too much of him and hwo hard is it to stay up long enough to see him onto the bus and THEN go back to sleep????
Also, that just broke my heart to think of him wanting to go so bad to the poetry breakfast thing that he was willing to walk. They probably made a pretty big deal of irt at school and he was excited and how sad when your parents do not support you in such things. So sad.
And to the person who brought up that the step mom is only a STEPmom??? I am raising my children with a man who is NOT thier biological father and to put it plainly, he IS Daddy and has all the same responsibilities that he woudl have had if he was thier bio dad~! When you marry a person with kids, you sign on for the work as well as the fun of raising kids, plain and simple!
And as a SAHM, I am grateful I get to spend extra time with my kids that I otherwise woudl have to miss. My children are very independent self-thinkers and I do NOT feel I am infantalizing them by offering them my support, presence or gentle suggestions.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
The chances of being kidnapped from a bus stop are negligable.

Not Really. The Majority of cases of stranger abduction with school aged kids seem to happen on their way to or from school. I do understand stranger abduction is WAY exaggerated and it happens less than most people think, but it still happens. When I was Pregnant with DS 1 there were 2 different 12 yo (I think-they may have been 11)) girls who were kidnapped while waiting for their school bus. It happened on different days, but the next time those girls were seen it was when their bodies were recovered from the guy's (the UAV who kidnapped them) property.

I think that an 8 yo waiting for a school bus alone is like being a sitting duck for a kidnapper. ESPECIALLY since he is out there every day at the same time, so a person could even stalk the situation.

I don;t think that it is safe for him to be out there alone like that. But I am also in a bigger city and it sounds like he lives in a more rural area...so I suppose that changes things a bit. But still. I really hope DSM gets up with him today and stays up until she sees that he safely gets on the bus.

To the OP-I don't know if you have kids already, but taking care of a new baby is a lot more work than what a lot of people realize. I understand that this woman prob has other issues as well, but you could cut her a little slack considering she prob hasn't had a good nights rest in a while. I am not saying that excuses her poor decision...


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## aurinia (Jun 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
The chances of being kidnapped from a bus stop are negligable.

Just because the chance is negligable (according to you) doesn't mean the chance isn't still there. It seems like most of the child abductions/attempted abductions by strangers we hear about are children who are left unattended either on their way to or from school. We live in a very quiet, safe neighborhood, yet it still could have happened to my daughter. It only takes a second for something bad to happen...not a chance I will ever be willing to take. Ever. I hope you are never put in the same situation.


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

My 10 yo and 7 yo ds's have never needed me to see him off to school, but I'm there for him and available.. and they know that. I think there's a huge difference between a parent who may not necessarily put the kid on the bus, but is up and about and available, and a parent who is in bed, asleep.
...and I say all this with a nursing babe in my arms, a four yo playing next to me and a total of about 4 hours of sleep last night. I am out of bed and available for my kids every morning. Contrary to many peoples beliefs, this does not in any way hinder them in becoming responsible and independant.

I have a friend who waited at the bus stop with his daughter from the first day of kindergarten to her last day of high school. I always thought that was a really cool thing for him to do.

I'm shocked to learn that being a stepmom makes it ok to be unavailable for a child. wow..... so when this stepmoms infant goes to school will it then become her responsibility to be up and available in the morning?

A sleepng mom, or stepmom, is just sad. Doesn't matter to me what else she may do during the day...Being 8 and having to get my self off to school all alone in the morning would just suck.


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

what a theoretical 8yo can and can't do is immaterial. THIS 8yo is obviously not ready to evaluate the risks and benefits of deciding not to get on the bus. that doesn't mean he's a defective child or that his stepmother is crap. it just means that, for whatever reason, he's not ready.

i think his family needs to do something that we certainly can't do for them on this message board and which i don't know if the OP can help them do. they need to have a serious conversation about what their needs are and who has what obligations to the children.

in my home, the step parent has equal responsibility with the baby we made together and the son i brought into the relationship. this is partially the case because i married DH when DS was around 3.

the child has a need (supervision) and someone has to meet it. the parents have to decide who is obligated to meet it and if anyone who is not obligated cares to take on the task as a kindness. the child also probably has another need for attention. sounds like a pretty loud cry for attention if you ask me. yes, it was inappropriate and a dumb decision, but walking to school which i think would be frightening for most 8yo or at least viewed as a little risky is probably a bid for attention when responsible, verbal cries for it didn't work. not to say everyone should have dropped what they were doing but some acknowledgment of his desires as real and appropriate would have been nice.

there are many types of step families. my stepfather did not engage in any parenting decisions with my mother though he did so equally concerning the children they shared. it worked well for us. i met him when i was 12. he did not "babysit" or remind me of my mothers rules. he simply reported it if i'd done something terribly dangerous. that's a system that works well for some if everyone has their responsibilities clearly outlined.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I can't imagine my DH being the only one here in the house and not getting up to make sure my DD (his stepdaughter) got off to school okay. Just laying in the bed while the 8yo gets herself completely ready and leaves the house for school. How is this okay by any stretch of the imagination? Please, enlighten me.

And BTW, I have an infant who NEVER sleeps, so I know what it's like to be tired. That's no excuse, IMO.


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## lindsaye3 (May 15, 2007)

I think that the saddest and most upsetting part was imagining this poor kid walking to school in the morning, desperately trying to get to his breakfast poetry thing. That really breaks my heart. I just can't imagine telling my kid nope won't do it, or my stepchild if I had one. I just can't imagine how heartbroken he was after being proud of his accomplishment. And I can't believe everyone is sitting around talking about how horrible or not horrible it is that stepmom doesn't watch him walk to the bus. The really horrible part is that no one could even bother to take him and watch him read his poetry! Something that obviously was so important to him he would break the rules and try to walk to school early in the morning alone. He must of felt so desperate and alone. I seriously cry for this child, especially after reading the whole $400 thread earlier.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Wow... what a sad situation... poor kid.

I too do not like getting up early. But I do. Even when my little ones were 13 mos and a newborn I got my buns up and did what I needed to do.

This is the first year that my boys have walked alone. We were 3 blocks from school but I still walked up everyday in the morning and afternoon (and at noon when DS (8) was in kinder). I put both babies in the double stroller and away we went.

Sure my 12 year old (10 at the time that we moved in walking distance) could have handled walking by himself, but I did not expect him to watch his brothers walk home too.

And when we lived in the country and they road the bus, I was at the bus stop. And the last year we lived there I had a new baby and was pregnant with my youngest.

Sometimes parenting/caregiving is not about what we want to do but what we should do... And she should have been at the poetry reading in the first place and then the whole situation would have never occured!


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

I have to say I'm surprised that everyone is so stuck on 'omg, stepmom doesn't see her child off the busstop and he decided to walk to school' that no one has pointed out the far greater problem, in my opinion.

This eight year old boy doesn't know to never get in a car with a stranger?? His father/mother/stepmother haven't taught him that?


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
This eight year old boy doesn't know to never get in a car with a stranger?? His father/mother/stepmother haven't taught him that?









NO! They didn't teach him that! That is another part of this issue. It was wrong of him to get into a car with a stranger. I hope he's learned from that now.

I realize that many of you have piped up and said how hard it is to be a sahm with a baby and so forth, but come ON ladies. How hard is it to sit on the couch and watch to make sure your step son gets on the bus? The bus picks him up at the end of the driveway. I really don't care how long she's up at night, she can muster at least that.

Yes, I will soon have a baby of my own to take care of, but dare I say it can't be that freaking hard to stay awake for 10 minutes to watch a kid get on the bus? My neighbors manage to do it. All she has to do is sit on the couch and look out the window. Please...









I really like SIL, and she's a lot of fun when she's not sleeping, but I do resent the fact that "her" baby comes first and everybody else in her family, including her husband and "that other kid" have to suffer.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

In a situation where dad and stepmom have traditional sahm/wohd roles, I don't see that there's much room for an "arrangement" where stepmom is "just a friend" to the kid. If that's truly their arrangement then dad needs to hire a childcare provider for when he's not around. Incidentally, how do you think cps would feel about a stepmom who gives half-assed care when she's the only one home because "he's not mine"? The school is obviously already concerned about this kid's supervision level....

No, what's obviously going on is another all-too-classic arrangement in stepfamilies, where the stepmom feels justified in giving half-assed care to kids who aren't hers and the macho dad (the one who habitually assumes his brother's wife is available for free child care so he can go tinker with cars) has the attitude that childcare is the wife's business so he takes a know-nothing attitude, stepping in only to mete out punishments.

It surprises me that so many MDCers are taking the attitude that it's basically this kid's tough luck that he's not bio to both adults and should basically accept his second class status. Phrases like "sure as hell would have consequences"? Whoa.

Also it's obviously NOT their "arrangement" that stepmom is a "friend" to the kid because A FRIEND would have taken him to the event.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first. Are you sure she doesn't have PPD?

I have watched many Mama's get overwhelmed in the beginning and make poor decisions as a result of sleep deprivation.

I REALLY think that there could be PPD going on. That will certainly make the most simple little thing seem impossible and overwhelming. If she has PPD this whole situations makes a LOT more sense.

Is she staying up with him now?

.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
In a situation where dad and stepmom have traditional sahm/wohd roles, I don't see that there's much room for an "arrangement" where stepmom is "just a friend" to the kid. If that's truly their arrangement then dad needs to hire a childcare provider for when he's not around. Incidentally, how do you think cps would feel about a stepmom who gives half-assed care when she's the only one home because "he's not mine"? The school is obviously already concerned about this kid's supervision level....

No, what's obviously going on is another all-too-classic arrangement in stepfamilies, where the stepmom feels justified in giving half-assed care to kids who aren't hers and the macho dad (the one who habitually assumes his brother's wife is available for free child care so he can go tinker with cars) has the attitude that childcare is the wife's business so he takes a know-nothing attitude, stepping in only to mete out punishments.

It surprises me that so many MDCers are taking the attitude that it's basically this kid's tough luck that he's not bio to both adults and should basically accept his second class status. Phrases like "sure as hell would have consequences"? Whoa.

Also it's obviously NOT their "arrangement" that stepmom is a "friend" to the kid because A FRIEND would have taken him to the event.

This is what I was thinking

I think there have only been 1 or 2 people who thought he should be punished, but even that surprised me.

.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

GalateaDunkel said:


> I
> It surprises me that so many MDCers are taking the attitude that it's basically this kid's tough luck that he's not bio to both adults and should basically accept his second class status. Phrases like "sure as hell would have consequences"? Whoa. QUOTE]
> 
> I've been holding back. I think this kid's situation is heartbreaking. I do not agree with the stepmom but I can see where in some cases it would be okay for an 8 yo to get himself on the bus. It really depends on the situation.
> ...


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebarkingbird* 
what a theoretical 8yo can and can't do is immaterial. THIS 8yo is obviously not ready to evaluate the risks and benefits of deciding not to get on the bus. .

Yup.

I can not imagine living with an 8 yo child (step parent or no), and not caring enough to make sure they get on the bus safely









It will be interesting to see how she treats her biological child when he is 8 years old.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I do not think an 8 year old needs to be watched getting on the bus and I do think his dad has a right to be mad that he took off, got into a car with a stranger etc. . . .

but they also need to realize that they are totally checked out of his life and not providing him with the structure and teaching he needs to make good decisions. they are also not there for him when he needs it.

what a mess.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

It's not the stepmom's job, it's his dad's job to see he gets on the bus.
It's his dad's job to choose to tell work he has to come in late because of a family event early that day so HE can take HIS son to the poetry thing.
It's HIS son, HIS responsiblity, not hers.

And I absolutely do not think the stepmom should be called lazy for wanting to sleep in with her newborn.
That's something every mom is entitled to do.
The stepson is simply not her responsibility.
And to blame her is ridiculous.
The one to blame is his father for completely neglecting his OWN son.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

"It's HIS son, HIS responsibility, not hers."

OK, so where's the paid caregiver to watch the kid while he has to be at work?

I suspect that both dad and stepmom would find that a ridiculous question. Obviously, they have arranged that she stays home and does childcare. She just doesn't want to do *too much* childcare. So the kid is expected to essentially take care of himself in developmentally inappropriate ways, and punished when he fails.

When you consent to be the only adult present in a child's environment, you consent to be responsible for that child, period. What if he had gotten hit by a car and killed?

The moral of the story is, if you're inclined to deal with non bio-kids in stingy terms of technical obligation, don't get involved with someone who already has kids of their own.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
"It's HIS son, HIS responsibility, not hers."

OK, so where's the paid caregiver to watch the kid while he has to be at work?

I suspect that both dad and stepmom would find that a ridiculous question. Obviously, they have arranged that she stays home and does childcare. She just doesn't want to do *too much* childcare. So the kid is expected to essentially take care of himself in developmentally inappropriate ways, and punished when he fails.

The moral of the story is, if you're inclined to deal with non bio-kids in stingy terms of technical obligation, don't get involved with someone who already has kids of their own.

Yes, exactly, his kid, his responsibility.

His son is in school throughout most of the day while he's at work. He should see his son gets on the bus or drive him to school on his way to work every morning instead of pawning off his son on his new wife. Marrying someone with kids does not mean you become parent to those kids and their own parent can bail, dumping their responsibilities on someone else.

I would not say anything is obvious, She is staying home with her newborn while his son is in school, how does that make her SAHM to his son? She may have been full time employed prebaby and planning to return to work after her maternity leave or babymoon period has ended.

I truly believe the father is slacking, pawning off his kid, and I think he needs to stand up and be a man. His son should NOT be expected to care for himself. His father needs to be a father and take care of his son.

Oh, and you say, how as the income provider can he be expected to care for his son... ask all the working single moms out there how...

Why do men never have to take care of their own, financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc.? Why are all the women in their lives expected to do their job (parenting) for them? Cause they're women?


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## Katzchen (Aug 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first. Are you sure she doesn't have PPD?

I have watched many Mama's get overwhelmed in the beginning and make poor decisions as a result of sleep deprivation.

I REALLY think that there could be PPD going on. That will certainly make the most simple little thing seem impossible and overwhelming. If she has PPD this whole situations makes a LOT more sense.

I had that thought too from reading this posts and some of the OP's other threads.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
This is what I was thinking

I think there have only been 1 or 2 people who thought he should be punished, but even that surprised me.

.

Really? I give my kids (especially my older one) lots of freedom. She's capable and mature, and I agree with other posters that giving her responsibility has made her even more that way -- children (and adults) are able to rise to the occasion when people have some faith in their abilities.

However, there absolutely would be consequences in my house for a child abusing his or her freedom. That doesn't mean grounding, as was the case in this situation, but in our home, it would mean that a lot of trust had been lost and was going to take some time to earn back . . . there would be fewer freedoms and more supervision in many ways. I don't see how that's a negative thing.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
Yes, exactly, his kid, his responsibility.

His son is in school throughout most of the day while he's at work. He should see his son gets on the bus or drive him to school on his way to work every morning instead of pawning off his son on his new wife. Marrying someone with kids does not mean you become parent to those kids and their own parent can bail, dumping their responsibilities on someone else.

I would not say anything is obvious, She is staying home with her newborn while his son is in school, how does that make her SAHM to his son? She may have been full time employed prebaby and planning to return to work after her maternity leave or babymoon period has ended.

I truly believe the father is slacking, pawning off his kid, and I think he needs to stand up and be a man. His son should NOT be expected to care for himself. His father needs to be a father and take care of his son.

Oh, and you say, how as the income provider can he be expected to care for his son... ask all the working single moms out there how...

Why do men never have to take care of their own, financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc.? Why are all the women in their lives expected to do their job (parenting) for them? Cause they're women?


You know, I kind of agree with this.

Would any of you feel different if the genders were reversed? What if this was Bio Mom and StepDad. Bio Mom is working and StepDad isn't taking proper care of Bio Mom's child and is overwhelmed caring for a new baby. I think more people would be wondering why Bio Mom doesn't make sure that her son is being properly cared for, YK?
Bio Dad sounds like the type to push his kid off onto a new spouse...If he is doing that to his SIL then I am sure he is doing it to his wife.

I have had friends in situations like this where their husband suddenly starts expecting them to to everything for their Step Children, while Bio Dad does Nada. None of us knows what the agreement between these 2 is.

I kind of think that we expect more out of women when it comes to parenting then we do from men. It IS Dad's responsibility to make sure someone is taking good care of his son.

I think there would be a lot more people saying it was the Mom's responsibility to make sure that she is leaving her son with a responsible person. I didn't even think about it like that until I read Purity Lake's post.

Interesting.

.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
Yes, exactly, his kid, his responsibility.

His son is in school throughout most of the day while he's at work. He should see his son gets on the bus or drive him to school on his way to work every morning instead of pawning off his son on his new wife. Marrying someone with kids does not mean you become parent to those kids and their own parent can bail, dumping their responsibilities on someone else.

I would not say anything is obvious, She is staying home with her newborn while his son is in school, how does that make her SAHM to his son? She may have been full time employed prebaby and planning to return to work after her maternity leave or babymoon period has ended.

I truly believe the father is slacking, pawning off his kid, and I think he needs to stand up and be a man. His son should NOT be expected to care for himself. His father needs to be a father and take care of his son.

Oh, and you say, how as the income provider can he be expected to care for his son... ask all the working single moms out there how...

Why do men never have to take care of their own, financially, emotionally, psychologically, etc.? Why are all the women in their lives expected to do their job (parenting) for them? Cause they're women?

To me, this cuts at the heart of what it means to be a family. I wouldn't say it's okay for someone with kids to marry someone who isn't a parent and shift all parental responsibilities to their spouse, but nor is it okay for a parent's new spouse to simply refuse to engage with the children.

When we are family, we take care of each other. When we are family, we look out for each other. When we are family, we are family to each other's family - if your partner has a young child, you have to be willing to be family to that young child as you are family to your partner. When we are all in one house, the only way we can choose to be family to some people but not to others is to be cruel.

I'm glad and grateful to be happily married to my DS's father, but if anything were to happen and that were to change, I assure you, I would have no time or patience for the game playing you suggest. When you become family to a person with children, the children become your family as well, and you cannot turn a blind eye, or shrug and state that they're just not your problem.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
Would any of you feel different if the genders were reversed?
.


I would absolutely expect the step dad to make sure the the child got on the bus safely (if it is known that he needs supervision) if he is the parent home at the time. The step dads I know treat their step children like, well, family! I wouldn't think any differently if the situation were reversed.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
When we are family, we take care of each other. When we are family, we look out for each other. When we are family, we are family to each other's family - if your partner has a young child, you have to be willing to be family to that young child as you are family to your partner. When we are all in one house, the only way we can choose to be family to some people but not to others is to be cruel.
.

I wholeheartedly agree!


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

This whole story isn't quite hanging together for me.

So there's a breakfast poetry reading thing at school, and none of the adults in your nephew's household were willing to take him.

The morning of the breakfast, he decided to walk to school to make it there, rather than waiting for the bus.

An event of this kind would have to start at least half an hour - say 45 minutes - before the school day. So your nephew was out, waiting for the bus, at least 45 minutes before school would have started. Otherwise, it wouldn't have made any sense for him to walk to school because the thing would have started before he could set out. Does that make sense?

Here's my question: when does the bus usually come in relation to when school starts? On an ordinary day, is Nephew out for 5-10 minutes waiting for the bus, or for longer? Possibly much longer?

I think it's reasonable to expect an 8 yo to get on the bus by himself, particularly when the bus comes to the end of his driveway. I don't think anyone should have to stare out the window to make sure, I think a child of that age is genuinely old enough to amuse himself in the front yard while waiting. And it appears that the child in this case does exactly that most days.

What I don't think is reasonable is for a child of any age to be kicked into the yard as soon as he's done eating breakfast so that a grownup can go back to bed.

I don't think that the nephew violated anyone's trust. He wanted to do this thing, and felt that the only thing keeping him from it was an inability to get there on time, so he did what many self-respecting human beings would do and took matters into his own hands. He probably reasoned that he's *supposed* to go to school every day, and he was just getting himself there on his own. He sounds like a determined kid.

Should there be consequences? Yeah - if I'd done that as a kid, I would have gotten a thundering lecture about safety and rides from strangers and giving my parents heart attacks (in fact, I am quite certain I received exactly that lecture on a number of occasions). It just doesn't make sense to me to talk about walking to school as misbehavior. Unwise, sure. Impractical, absolutely. Potentially dangerous - great googly moogly, yes.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Maybe dad should have thought with the head attached to his shoulders and not started another family with someone who wasn't or couldn't commit energy to care for all the children in the household.

And it's the dad who's choosing to stay with her. And father a new family.

So really, I don't get why the stepmom gets all the hate here. Other than, well, I guess she's the stepmom. And the female.

There are many ways the dad could have arranged things. The stepmom said well in advance that she wasn't going to do it. She followed through.

While I think in an ideal world everyone married would be fully committed to all children in the household, I don't think that in practice it always works out perfectly. It sounds like stepmom has been totally honest with her preferences and what she will or won't do. So to me, it's dad who needs to step up to the plate.

And OP...I hope that you have an "easy" baby, and that your words about no big deal don't come back to bite you in the butt. Judgements leveled at other people who are where you haven't been tend to do that. Trust me, I know. I said "whats the big deal" all the time, when I had my first easy baby. And so the universe kicked me in the ass with twins 17 months later, and I had to pretty much eat every "I never" judgement I ever made. You're probably a nicer person than I was and don't need to have your foot jammed down your throat to the hip...but consider this a friendly warning. Don't tempt the laws of karma. ;>

Like it or lump it, stepmom appears to have been honest and above board with what she will or won't do. Dad's made his choice very plain. So to be honest? I'd say Dad's the chump, not stepmom. It's always easier to lay the blame at the feet of the person you feel the least connection to though.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I'd say Dad's the chump, not stepmom.

There is no question in my mind that both the Dad and the stepmom are failing this boy. There is more than enough blame to go around


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I feel so sorry for this little boy.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
It's not the stepmom's job, it's his dad's job to see he gets on the bus.
It's his dad's job to choose to tell work he has to come in late because of a family event early that day so HE can take HIS son to the poetry thing.
It's HIS son, HIS responsiblity, not hers.

And I do not think the stepmom should be called lazy for wanting to sleep in with her newborn.
That's something every mom is entitled to do.
The stepson is simply not her responsibility.
And to blame her is ridiculous.
The one to blame is his father for completely neglecting his OWN son.

I had no idea that anyone would ever feel this way.







Especially a parent.
If anything were to ever happen to me, I hope that my dh does not marry someone with this sad attitude.

Single parents are a packaged deal. If you don't want part of the package, then move along and find someone else to marry.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I had no idea that anyone would ever feel this way.







Especially a parent.
If anything were to ever happen to me, I hope that my dh does not marry someone with this sad attitude.

Single parents are a packaged deal. If you don't want part of the package, then move along and find someone else to marry.

Wow, I'm not saying that she doesn't help at times, I'm saying, marrying someone new doesn't automatically delete his responsibilities as a father.
I have read far too many times on here about men failing as fathers, men pawning off their kids on their mother, sister, wife, etc, instead of being men.

Attacking the wife, in order to not criticize the father is truly sad. Women are expected to do it all, men are not expected to do anything and defending that is just wrong.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I had no idea that anyone would ever feel this way.







Especially a parent.
If anything were to ever happen to me, I hope that my dh does not marry someone with this sad attitude.

Single parents are a packaged deal. If you don't want part of the package, then move along and find someone else to marry.

I think the point is that this all the Step Mom's responsibility and Dad is off the hook 'cause he's at work. Bottom line, it is HIS responsibility to make sure his son is safe and well cared for.

Bio Dad AND Bio Mom are both dropping the ball, but The Step Mom is the one being made out to be the main person who is failing this boy. How is it that she is MORE responsible for this boy than his own father??

That seems to be getting overlooked, like the Step Mom is the only person at fault. It sounds like she never really agreed to do this, so why is it her responsibility?

And I agree that the whole thing sucks, and I feel just AWFUL for this little boy.









.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Yes, the dad decided to marry the new wife, but the wife also decided to marry someone who was already a dad. I really think they are enabling each other in emotionally neglecting this child.

As for gender reversals.... I thought of that and my judgment definitely would not change if this were a stepdad. What I REALLY wonder though, is how people would respond if the child were a girl. I think there is a picture in mind of a naughty little boy, kwim? I doubt people would be all full of justifications for a little girl to be treated this way.

"Not my kid, not my problem," has the potential to seriously damage the child's psychological development. He is going to grow up seeing dad-stepmom-baby sister as an organic unit, and himself off to the side. That is guaranteed to seriously frack up a kid's developing sense of himself and his place in the world. Seriously : GUARANTEED. Someone who's not prepared to at least pretend to care needs not to hook up with single parents. The kid was there first. And now he is an outsider in his own home. I can't believe people are putting the parents self-determination (stepmom's right not to care about someone else's kid, dad's right to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about his kid) above the kid's right to healthy, normal development and a basic sense of human belonging.

As to the OP not having had her baby yet, sometimes it takes somebody who doesn't have all the excuses you do to see that you're still obligated despite the excuses. Again, the boy was there first - or more to the point, the dad was his dad first. If she couldn't handle a baby and an 8 year old, she shouldn't have married the 8 year old's dad.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
What I REALLY wonder though, is how people would respond if the child were a girl. I think there is a picture in mind of a naughty little boy, kwim? I doubt people would be all full of justifications for a little girl to be treated this way.

I don't believe anyone thinks the boy is naughty or that there is justification for his neglect.

I certainly never criticized the boy or justified his neglect.

I think the father needs to step up and the OP needs to stop pointing the finger at her SIL and start pointing it at her brother.


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

There have been some really interesting replies! I agree with some of you that both parents kinda failed my nephew. It's a pattern in their lives. He is a very bright little boy who is essentially very good, stays out of trouble, and gets above average grades.

His father works very long hours to be able to support his family so stepmom can stay home all day and not have to work. From what I understand, part of that agreement involves her taking some responsibilities concerning her stepson. If she was not willing to take on those responsibilities such as making sure he got to and from school, school activities, doctor appointments, etc, she would simply have to get her butt back to work and nephew's dad would put him in after school care. So far, she's agreed to this arangement.

Honestly, I really like my SIL. She's a really nice person, but I've never met anyone in my life that sleeps as much as she does. I think she really wants to go back to work. She has told me that she is completely bored with the sah lifestyle, she has nothing to do, nobody to talk to, and I think that's why she sleeps a lot. I told her I would support her decision to get back to work or school by watching her baby in the evenings. I think she'd be happier. I just get a little irritated when I hear about stuff like this happening because it could have been avoided.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *diamond lil* 
I think she really wants to go back to work. She has told me that she is completely bored with the sah lifestyle, she has nothing to do, nobody to talk to, and I think that's why she sleeps a lot.
I told her I would support her decision to get back to work or school by watching her baby in the evenings. I think she'd be happier.

This proves she was working and isn't now because of the baby, so what did dad do for his son when his wife was working?
She definitely sounds depressed to me, with all the sleeping (although this could just be normal post birth/breastfeeding/non-consecutive hours of sleep exhaustion), missing work, no one to talk to, being bored with being a stay at home mom, etc.

You mention watching her baby in the evening which makes me wonder when the dad is ever home.
He's not home in the morning to see his son off to school, he's not home during the day to help his wife with the baby, and he wouldn't be available to watch his own baby in the evening if she returns to work? I am seriously losing respect for this 'man'.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

If she went back to work, could dad work less and be home more? That might be a win-win.

I still don't understand why it would be unreasonable to expect a sah step-parent to take care the son when dad is at work (although it should certainly be discussed before marriage). I think that, normally, remarrying and providing a step-parent to help care for your children is a responsible way to make sure your dc gets lots of loving care. While some single parents manage to "do it all" on their own, I don't think that should be the standard to which we are all held. It is good and healthy to build a support system and accept (and expect!) help from your village.


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## momeg (Dec 4, 2006)

No one has even mentioned that the kid got into a car with a stranger. That is the truly serious part, in my opinion.


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## Katzchen (Aug 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *diamond lil* 
She's a really nice person, but I've never met anyone in my life that sleeps as much as she does. I think she really wants to go back to work. She has told me that she is completely bored with the sah lifestyle, she has nothing to do, nobody to talk to, and I think that's why she sleeps a lot.


Did she sleep that much before she got pregnant/ had the baby? Because sleeping more than usual is another sign of depression.


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## Evenstar (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
In a situation where dad and stepmom have traditional sahm/wohd roles, I don't see that there's much room for an "arrangement" where stepmom is "just a friend" to the kid. If that's truly their arrangement then dad needs to hire a childcare provider for when he's not around. Incidentally, how do you think cps would feel about a stepmom who gives half-assed care when she's the only one home because "he's not mine"? The school is obviously already concerned about this kid's supervision level....

No, what's obviously going on is another all-too-classic arrangement in stepfamilies, where the stepmom feels justified in giving half-assed care to kids who aren't hers and the macho dad (the one who habitually assumes his brother's wife is available for free child care so he can go tinker with cars) has the attitude that childcare is the wife's business so he takes a know-nothing attitude, stepping in only to mete out punishments.

It surprises me that so many MDCers are taking the attitude that it's basically this kid's tough luck that he's not bio to both adults and should basically accept his second class status. Phrases like "sure as hell would have consequences"? Whoa.

*Also it's obviously NOT their "arrangement" that stepmom is a "friend" to the kid because A FRIEND would have taken him to the event.*











right on

and what I bolded is exactly what I was going to say


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Again, this really sounds like PPD to me.

And it sounds like she is doing all of the care for the nephew and the baby without much relief.

I can understand why she is having trouble getting up.

Please try not to be so judgemental of your SIL...you have not been through what she is going through.

Some of the things you (OP) have said on this thread make me wonder if you truly understand what it is like to have a baby to care for 24/7
It is MUCH harder than it looks.

Again, I am not saying that excuses her (SIL) choice to go back to bed in the morning, but I can certainly understand why she is EXHAUSTED and sleeping every chance she gets if she is the main caregiver for a baby and a child. That is a lot of work.
ESPECIALLY since she may have PPD

.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I don't see stepmom as at fault here. Neither parents made the child's desire a priority over their own desires for work or sleep, but that is how families work (my desire will not necessary take precesdence over my husband's or childrens' desires and visa versa).

Getting him up and dressed and out the door for the bus is her job and she's doing it. My mom never stood at the wondow making sure we physically got on the bus at 8 years old.

The boy was disapointed and I undertsand that. As he grows up, he will be better able to handle disapointment. We don't get to do everything we want, and sometimes we don't get it because mom wants to sleep in.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
Yes, the dad decided to marry the new wife, but the wife also decided to marry someone who was already a dad. I really think they are enabling each other in emotionally neglecting this child.

As for gender reversals.... I thought of that and my judgment definitely would not change if this were a stepdad. What I REALLY wonder though, is how people would respond if the child were a girl. I think there is a picture in mind of a naughty little boy, kwim? I doubt people would be all full of justifications for a little girl to be treated this way.

"Not my kid, not my problem," has the potential to seriously damage the child's psychological development. He is going to grow up seeing dad-stepmom-baby sister as an organic unit, and himself off to the side. That is guaranteed to seriously frack up a kid's developing sense of himself and his place in the world. Seriously : GUARANTEED. Someone who's not prepared to at least pretend to care needs not to hook up with single parents. The kid was there first. And now he is an outsider in his own home. I can't believe people are putting the parents self-determination (stepmom's right not to care about someone else's kid, dad's right to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about his kid) above the kid's right to healthy, normal development and a basic sense of human belonging.

As to the OP not having had her baby yet, sometimes it takes somebody who doesn't have all the excuses you do to see that you're still obligated despite the excuses. Again, the boy was there first - or more to the point, the dad was his dad first. *If she couldn't handle a baby and an 8 year old, she shouldn't have married the 8 year old's dad.*

Why does marrying this man now make her the SOLE person responsible for her step son?
Also, she may not have had any idea what she was getting into. It sounds like she came into the relationship not having children. It also sounds like all the work is now getting dumped on her and she is overwhelmed and can't handle it. Why is that her fault, and why doesn't the Dad have a responsibility to step in and make sure that his son is getting the care that he needs???

It sounds like Dad is NOT doing his part.

.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

What I want to know is-- how is the woman sleeping so much with a new baby in the house??


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
You know, I kind of agree with this.

Would any of you feel different if the genders were reversed? What if this was Bio Mom and StepDad. Bio Mom is working and StepDad isn't taking proper care of Bio Mom's child and is overwhelmed caring for a new baby. I think more people would be wondering why Bio Mom doesn't make sure that her son is being properly cared for, YK?
Bio Dad sounds like the type to push his kid off onto a new spouse...If he is doing that to his SIL then I am sure he is doing it to his wife.

I have had friends in situations like this where their husband suddenly starts expecting them to to everything for their Step Children, while Bio Dad does Nada. None of us knows what the agreement between these 2 is.

I kind of think that we expect more out of women when it comes to parenting then we do from men. It IS Dad's responsibility to make sure someone is taking good care of his son.

I think there would be a lot more people saying it was the Mom's responsibility to make sure that she is leaving her son with a responsible person. I didn't even think about it like that until I read Purity Lake's post.

Interesting.

.

I agree as well. I don't think the stepmom is doing as much as she could, but maybe she's checked out because dad has dumped all the responsibility on her for so long she's tapped out and resentful. Maybe he works all the time _not because he has to provide,_ but because _he'd rather work than parent.

_ I'm married to one of those workaholics who thinks all his kid needs is a new mom when _all she wants is her dad._ The child ends up resenting the stepmom and the stepmom can't do anything right, so she resents the child and the dad. Everyone's miserable, but the person with the least power, the child, is the one who suffers the most. The only attention they get from either parent is disapproval and punishments. I _know_ how this works. I'm dealing with a RAD child, the ultimate product of absent parenting, and still my dh acts like my job is a cakewalk compared to working all the time outside of the home, never having to actually _interact_ with his child.







:








I'd be willing to be dad was already ignoring his child in the first marriage, so this is nothing new, he just has a _new_ _wife_ to take care of his responsibilities and take the blame. And she very well may have PPD.

I don't agree with what this one is doing, but I understand how she got there. The _evil stepmother_ is what everyone on the outside sees, but you can bet your ass the _absent dad_ plays a big part in creating that picture.

They need counseling before that poor kid is ruined for life and the stepmom completely snaps. While other people are seeing her as uncaring she may be incapable of doing much of anything. She quite possibly may have used up everything she has. It's time for dad to step up to the plate and be a parent. SIL may not be a fantastic person, but I bet she had some help becoming who she is right now. I know I'm having a lot more sympathy for my dh's previous wife as time goes on.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamawanabe* 
I don't see stepmom as at fault here. Neither parents made the child's desire a priority over their own desires for work or sleep, but that is how families work (my desire will not necessary take precesdence over my husband's or childrens' desires and visa versa).

Getting him up and dressed and out the door for the bus is her job and she's doing it. My mom never stood at the wondow making sure we physically got on the bus at 8 years old.

The boy was disapointed and I undertsand that. As he grows up, he will be better able to handle disapointment. We don't get to do everything we want, and sometimes we don't get it because mom wants to sleep in.

I don't necessarily think that sleeping in (at least in this case) is a valid excuse to make a child miss a special school event. But that is just me.


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## amitymama (Nov 17, 2006)

I think this woman sounds depressed. Sleeping lots, claiming to feel dissatisfied with her situation and bored/alone? She's crying out for help, as far as I'm concerned. Depression can make you incredibly selfish because you barely have enough energy to function and take care of yourself, let alone other people. She might be barely holding it together to take care of her baby and as wrong as it is and I'm sure she knows deep down inside, she just can't add another person's care to her burden. So your nephew is the one who gets the shaft, which is a real shame. He doens't deserve that.









However, I really do think that the dad needs to really step up here. If he's having to work so much to be able to afford for his wife to stay home with the baby but his son is suffering, he needs to recognize that it's not working and either work out a way to arrange childcare for his son or help for his wife.

How old is the baby, btw? Is she breastfeeding? Do you know how long she plans to stay at home for? Also, does she ever attend playgroups? I think she needs some other 'mom friends' to visit with during the day and maybe a new hobby or a part-time job if possible so she isn't feeling so depressed and gets out and about since she's feeling so isolated.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Hi, a few posts have been removed. This is a lively conversation. Let's try to keep the UA in mind while posting. If you have an issue with another person's post, either report it to a moderator, or pm the person directly. Mean spirited sarcasm is also against the UA.

Thanks


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amitymama* 
However, I really do think that the dad needs to really step up here. If he's having to work so much to be able to afford for his wife to stay home with the baby but his son is suffering, he needs to recognize that it's not working and either work out a way to arrange childcare for his son or help for his wife.


ITA, and would agree whether this was a bio mom or a step mom. Or a sah bio dad or step dad. If the arrangement isn't working, changes need to be made.

And I also agree that she sounds depressed.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
I think the point is that this all the Step Mom's responsibility and Dad is off the hook 'cause he's at work. Bottom line, it is HIS responsibility to make sure his son is safe and well cared for.

Bio Dad AND Bio Mom are both dropping the ball, but The Step Mom is the one being made out to be the main person who is failing this boy. How is it that she is MORE responsible for this boy than his own father??

That seems to be getting overlooked, like the Step Mom is the only person at fault. It sounds like she never really agreed to do this, so why is it her responsibility?

And I agree that the whole thing sucks, and I feel just AWFUL for this little boy.









.

I wonder if he knows the extent..?
The step mom isn't all at fault. Obviously dad should be actively parenting but since she is the one home while he's at work then why wouldn't it be expected that she open her eyes long enough to make sure her step son gets on the bus?
And she did agree to do this- she married him, no? That's what happens when you marry into a family.
If dad got custody after she married him- she could have voiced her opinion, she could have left, she could have suggested hiring someone if she couldn't handle it.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mandynee22* 
I wonder if he knows the extent..?
The step mom isn't all at fault. Obviously dad should be actively parenting but since she is the one home while he's at work then why wouldn't it be expected that she open her eyes long enough to make sure her step son gets on the bus?
And she did agree to do this- she married him, no? That's what happens when you marry into a family.
If dad got custody after she married him- she could have voiced her opinion, she could have left, she could have suggested hiring someone if she couldn't handle it.

I think the whole point is, you don't know until you're there how you're going to handle it. I know my dsd behaved completely differently when she thought I was a girlfriend she could get rid of than she does now that I'm 'mom.'

IMO, being a single mom to a child of my own was much easier than parenting an angry child who feels abandoned by both of her bio parents. Having a partner who acts like all of the parenting responsibility falls on my shoulders because he escapes into work all the time just adds to my stress level, and it certainly doesn't help with her abandonment issues. I'd be willing to bet a lot of the same things are going on in that household, and dear old dad gets to play the martyr while his wife and children are floundering. _Poor me, I work all the time to provide and here I am with this troubled kid and an ungrateful wife, boo hoo.









_His wife is isolated and has nobody to talk to except a child she doesn't get along with. His child is misunderstood and miserable and he's not there for him. He gets to leave every day and doesn't have to deal with any of it, and the outside world perceives _him_ as the victim. What a load.

I agree with the PP who said single moms do it all the time, why can't he step up and take on some of the parenting? I worked ridiculous hours when I was a single mom, but when I was off work I still found time to do things with my son. I wonder when the last time was this guy spent time with his son when he wasn't doling out punishment?

The whole family needs help, and dad needs to shoulder some of the blame for creating this problem.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
He gets to leave every day and doesn't have to deal with any of it, and the outside world perceives _him_ as the victim. What a load..

Is anyone saying dad is the victim? The _boy_ is the victim.
Even the op has said that the dad shares the blame.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Is anyone saying dad is the victim? The _boy_ is the victim.
Even the op has said that the dad shares the blame.

The boy is the victim, but the dad sure has garnered a lot of sympathy.

He's an absent father, and I suspect SM is depressed. The boy needs help, but dad most definitely has created this problem and SM just walked into it.
She may have helped make it _more dysfunctional,_ but this was a dysfunctional family long before she came on the scene.

I think quite a few posts have demonized the stepmom and given the dad a free pass. I think he has been avoiding his parental responsibilities for a long time and she's getting blamed because she isn't willing (or able?) to do it all. She may even feel like she has already failed with her stepchild and she's devoting her limited resources to the baby. I know after 4 years of banging my head against a wall if we hadn't started counseling I would have just completely given up. We have no way of knowing just how badly she feels. As someone else earlier said, he's not there when the child leaves for school, or after school, or in the evening, so _when is he there?_ When all of the child care falls on you, nothing goes right, there are unresolved hurts, and your partner is never there, you are going to reach a breaking point where you don't have anything to give anyone else.

The boy is paying the price for everyone else's mistakes. But I believe dad bears most of the blame. When you keep shoving your child off on other people because you don't want to be there, you can't call yourself a parent.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first. Are you sure she doesn't have PPD?

I have watched many Mama's get overwhelmed in the beginning and make poor decisions as a result of sleep deprivation.

I REALLY think that there could be PPD going on. That will certainly make the most simple little thing seem impossible and overwhelming. If she has PPD this whole situations makes a LOT more sense.

Is she staying up with him now?

.

I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for some people, that's how it is. I think that when you marry someone with children you are automatically a parent to their child. no dad is not "off the hook" but if it were his real mom at home alone with him then why would she have any more responsibility to the child than his stepmom? When you become a parent there are some things that you just have to do. to me, it is my responsibility as a sahm to see dh off and to get up in the morning and get things going. if i had an eight year old, part of getting the morning going would be to see him off on the bus. in fact, I think that if you have teenagers you should see them off. its just a nice thing to do.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
"It's HIS son, HIS responsibility, not hers."

OK, so where's the paid caregiver to watch the kid while he has to be at work?

I suspect that both dad and stepmom would find that a ridiculous question. Obviously, they have arranged that she stays home and does childcare. She just doesn't want to do *too much* childcare. So the kid is expected to essentially take care of himself in developmentally inappropriate ways, and punished when he fails.

When you consent to be the only adult present in a child's environment, you consent to be responsible for that child, period. What if he had gotten hit by a car and killed?

The moral of the story is, if you're inclined to deal with non bio-kids in stingy terms of technical obligation, don't get involved with someone who already has kids of their own.


Amen.

you are responsible for your step kids. and having a new baby does not entitle you to lounge around.

If you don't want to be responsible for your step kids don't marrry someone with children.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momeg* 
No one has even mentioned that the kid got into a car with a stranger. That is the truly serious part, in my opinion.

Yes, but it's much more fun to sit here and vilify some woman with a new baby as lazy and uncaring because she doesn't want to be up early in the morning.







Because as a woman, and a mother, and stay at home mom, and a step mother, of course she's the one horribly in the wrong if anything isn't going well with a child in the family.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
Amen.

you are responsible for your step kids. and having a new baby does not entitle you to lounge around.

If you don't want to be responsible for your step kids don't marrry someone with children.

Do we have proof she's lounging around? Maybe she's literally staring at the walls trying not to crack up.

I say, if you don't want to take care of your own kids and would rather live at work, be honest about it instead of dumping them off on your new wife and letting everyone else criticize her for not being supermom.

Being a stepmom is always easier in theory than in practice, and you never know what you're getting yourself into until you've already made the commitment. PPD and the continued absence of your husband are not necessarily things you've prepared for, or expected.


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

the big clue for me is that she says that she's got nothing to do and so she is sleeping. that's not healthy even if it doesn't qualify as bonafied PPD.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
He's 8. He's capable of getting on the bus by himself, he simply chose not to do so.

I don't think an 8 year old needs to be supervised to get on a bus.

This. I walked to school, a little over half mile at 8 by myself I'm sure the bus stop is closer than that.

However, I think that now they know they cannot trust their 8 year old not to get in a car with a total stranger dad and step mom are aware he needs more supervision. Don't know that I agree with grounding him. I would question my own parenting first, and try to figure out where the breakdown was that my son made such a poor choice.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebarkingbird* 
the big clue for me is that she says that she's got nothing to do and so she is sleeping. that's not healthy even if it doesn't qualify as bonafied PPD.

But does she really not have anything to do, or is she just not able to enjoy doing anything and sleeping is all she _wants_ to do? If you aren't able to leave every day, what better way to get away?

Something isn't right. Either she's depressed and avoiding dealing with her stepson, or they really don't get along at all and she's avoiding him, and his dad already is avoiding him by working all the time.

They need to get into counseling and get it fixed, whatever it is.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for some people, that's how it is.


Is your baby colicky or high needs?


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
This. I walked to school, a little over half mile at 8 by myself I'm sure the bus stop is closer than that.

However, I think that now they know they cannot trust their 8 year old not to get in a car with a total stranger dad and step mom are aware he needs more supervision. Don't know that I agree with grounding him. I would question my own parenting first, and try to figure out where the breakdown was that my son made such a poor choice.

Even if your trust your child to get on the bus by themselves, do you trust people not to try to pick them up? That lady could just as easily have been a nut or pedophile. My mom watched us get on the bus until we were in middle school just b/c she was worried about weirdos trying to nab us. I think it's a completely valid worry today too.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 
Even if your trust your child to get on the bus by themselves, do you trust people not to try to pick them up? That lady could just as easily have been a nut or pedophile. My mom watched us get on the bus until we were in middle school just b/c she was worried about weirdos trying to nab us. I think it's a completely valid worry today too.

That too. I agree she should make sure he gets on the bus. I don't think she gets a pass on that one, no matter what's going on with her.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Nevermind.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
The stepson is simply not her responsibility.

I am astonished at all of the posts indicating that this step-mother has no responsibility for this little boy.

He is part of her family--the family she CHOSE to create when she married her husband. This little boy didn't cease to exist just because she had a baby.

It's going to kill her to not sleep in ONE morning out of SEVEN to attend something that is clearly important to this child? Whatever. There is no excuse for this kind of apathy in a parent, step or otherwise, with the exception, possibly of a serious PPD problem.

That said, in the first sleepless months after my youngest was born (last summer), I did my damnedest to make sure I didn't let down ANY of the kids who counted on me, including my older children as well as my nieces and nephews, even if that meant struggling through some bad, early morning recitals.

I simply cannot believe that anyone is sanctioning this woman's clear lack of involvement in her step-son's life. Wow.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

WOW- I have only read page 1 and cannot read any more. As such I'm sorry if I say something that's been said over and over, or something that's going to stoke the fire of "discussion"

I,personally, think that StepMom is at fault. She get's up to feed him cereal, so obviously he isn't "self sufficiant" enough to be totally responsible for himself in the morning. She has already gotten up, how much longer could it possibly be until the bus arrived? She could doze in the recliner by the door while he get's ready to go to school, then watch him and go back to bed. I am a sleep a holic. SERIOUSLY. I need sleep, and have been known to sleep at the table while the kids eat. So, I know how hard it is to wake up. This little guy sounds like he needs some interaction in the morning.

As for the comments that this isn't stepmom's job, well I just plain disagree. I think that when you marry the man, you marry the child too. You take on *some* parental responsibility- and getting the boy to school in the morning, while daddy is at work, is one of the responsibity. She has already gotten him cereal, gotten up out of bed and helped him that far... KWIM?? She probably cares for stepson in other ways, why would this be any different. She is responsible for him when his dad is at work. She's the parent that would take care of him if he were sick? Correct?

I'm not even going to talk about the stranger danger thing- that's obvious. I would hope the school talks to ALL the student's about stranger danger, and about walking to and from school, and accepting rides.

IMHO- no child should get themselves off to the buss, when there is a parent home already. Sure, they are capable- but what's the point? SO that we can sleep in? So that we have another 10min to an hour? Kid's can be distracted so easily in the morning, no matter what the age. Heck, I would want someone to talk to in the morning before school- not so they can babysit- but so the kid (regardless of age) has some positive family love before they are off to school.

Very sad, this story. I hope this little guy's family makes some changes. Makes me want to cry, as this is how my Husband's mother was, and is. There is a word for this....it's called, IMHO-mind you, NEGLECT.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

I think people aren't focusing on how important the recital must have been to him to do what he did. It's not a question of whether he can be trusted to get on the bus in general. It's a sign of the disconnect between his feelings and the parents' willingness to blow him off. It must have been HUGE to him....8 year olds don't have that much perspective. From similar situations in childhood, I can also tell you the social stigma of not participating in stuff because of family issues can be unbearable. He may even have misled the teacher about if he could come in order to cover his embarrassment.

I am blown away by the comment that she must be too worn out with the baby to take on the "added burden" of the 8 yo. He's not the new addition, she is.

A stepparent is never a neutral figure. Especially not when they start having new children. Because then you have a family in the house, and she is the mom of the family, the woman of the house, whatev, except not to the stepkid....... which means the kid's not a full-fledged member of the family and gets to grow up with all the fun mental health sequelae of being a black sheep due to an accident of birth.

And yes, the father is at fault too. I never denied that. But she doesn't get to have her own little baby and pretend that is the only reality in the house and treat the stepson as an afterthought. Yes the bioparents are to blame but I have no pity for people who waltz into a situation and build their own dreams of family on top of a child's broken heart.

The ideas that she has ppd, the husband is a workaholic who has no actual need to show up to his job, etc., just got fabricated out of nothing to backpedal on the original, offensive argument that she has no obligation anyway. If she is incapable, she shouldn't be alone with the baby either, and the dad needs to intervene immediately. Oh wait, she's only incapable of caring for the child who just HAPPENS not to have the privilege of having been born from dad's current love interest. Funny how that works.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I think people aren't focusing on how important the recital must have been to him to do what he did. It's not a question of whether he can be trusted to get on the bus in general. It's a sign of the disconnect between his feelings and the parents' willingness to blow him off. It must have been HUGE to him....8 year olds don't have that much perspective. From similar situations in childhood, I can also tell you the social stigma of not participating in stuff because of family issues can be unbearable. He may even have misled the teacher about if he could come in order to cover his embarrassment.

I am blown away by the comment that she must be too worn out with the baby to take on the "added burden" of the 8 yo. He's not the new addition, she is.

A stepparent is never a neutral figure. Especially not when they start having new children. Because then you have a family in the house, and she is the mom of the family, the woman of the house, whatev, except not to the stepkid....... which means the kid's not a full-fledged member of the family and gets to grow up with all the fun mental health sequelae of being a black sheep due to an accident of birth.

And yes, the father is at fault too. I never denied that. But she doesn't get to have her own little baby and pretend that is the only reality in the house and treat the stepson as an afterthought. Yes the bioparents are to blame but I have no pity for people who waltz into a situation and build their own dreams of family on top of a child's broken heart.

The ideas that she has ppd, the husband is a workaholic who has no actual need to show up to his job, etc., just got fabricated out of nothing to backpedal on the original, offensive argument that she has no obligation anyway. If she is incapable, she shouldn't be alone with the baby either, and the dad needs to intervene immediately. Oh wait, she's only incapable of caring for the child who just HAPPENS not to have the privilege of having been born from dad's current love interest. Funny how that works.

I agree the poor little guy must feel rejected. But what people don't get is that when a child has been ignored and rejected by their parents, a stepparent often can't come in and make a difference because the child doesn't want them, they want their bio-parents. She may be reacting to having been pushed away already.

Or not. I just speak from my own experience, where I came in thinking I could make a difference and instead got slapped in the face repeatedly until I withdrew completely. When a child has been rejected by their own parents they may not give a damn if a stepparent tries or not. It isn't their fault, they've already had so much rejection they just don't try to let anyone else in any more, though they keep chasing after Dad's attention only to be disappointed again and again.









If this child were already secure in his father's or his mother's love, I'd be ready to jump on the evil stepmother bandwagon, but he's not. Mom is gone, and dad is never around. He's been neglected by _everybody._ I think SM is disengaging because she doesn't know what to do, and is depressed and hopeless. I did that. I spent more time with the child who wasn't throwing hate vibes my way because it was easier than dealing with the constant crap. Until you've been there you can't understand what it's like. It took me 3 years to talk dh into counseling, and I know we needed it long before then. By the time we started so much damage had been done to our family it may take us years to recover.

My dsd has no trust for people who try to help her, but she quite possibly would get into a car with a total stranger. Dh and I worry all the time about what she might do in various situations. She has demonstrated lack of judgment and completely irrational choices on several occasions already. The teen years are close and I'm absolutely terrified about what is coming, because I don't think we're making any progress. It's heartbreaking and frightening to feel like your child is already lost as you watch them push you away on a daily basis. Every single day is a struggle, but it's sure easier when both parents are on the same page.

If someone doesn't get through to these people (but yes, especially dad) that this boy needs attention, he will lose all empathy and be unable to form any kind of attachments to others. He needs 2 parents who work together, and he needs to know he matters. But make no mistake, he really needs to know _his dad_ cares about him. His SM could be the most patient, perfect, loving parent possible and it wouldn't make up for the absence of his father.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
Is your baby colicky or high needs?

no, but a lot of babies other babies arent either. just because a baby isnt colicky or high needs doesnt mean that its mother has no idea about motherhood.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
no, but a lot of babies other babies arent either. just because a baby isnt colicky or high needs doesnt mean that its mother has no idea about motherhood.

I would be willing to guess that you had a more easy going baby.

My first baby had Reflux and you wouldn't BELIEVE how overwhelming it was.
You can't understand until you have been there. My second baby was so easy that had he been my first I would have been thinking "Why do people say this is so hard?"
But I KNOW better. I KNOW that I just got lucky the second time around.

I didn't say that she had "No Idea About Motherhood"

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for *some people, that's how it is*.


Really that statement should be "With some *BABIES* that's just how it is"

Because if your baby has high needs, colic, reflux or food allergies etc you really aren't ready for that.
If my 3rd child has colic that certainly isn't going to be "exactly what I expected it to be" because you don't expect things like that. And colic and reflux are very common....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Maybe dad should have thought with the head attached to his shoulders and not started another family with someone who wasn't or couldn't commit energy to care for all the children in the household.

And it's the dad who's choosing to stay with her. And father a new family.

So really, I don't get why the stepmom gets all the hate here. Other than, well, I guess she's the stepmom. And the female.

There are many ways the dad could have arranged things. The stepmom said well in advance that she wasn't going to do it. She followed through.

While I think in an ideal world everyone married would be fully committed to all children in the household, I don't think that in practice it always works out perfectly. It sounds like stepmom has been totally honest with her preferences and what she will or won't do. So to me, it's dad who needs to step up to the plate.
*
And OP...I hope that you have an "easy" baby, and that your words about no big deal don't come back to bite you in the butt. Judgements leveled at other people who are where you haven't been tend to do that. Trust me, I know. I said "whats the big deal" all the time, when I had my first easy baby. And so the universe kicked me in the ass with twins 17 months later, and I had to pretty much eat every "I never" judgement I ever made. You're probably a nicer person than I was and don't need to have your foot jammed down your throat to the hip...but consider this a friendly warning. Don't tempt the laws of karma. ;>*

Like it or lump it, stepmom appears to have been honest and above board with what she will or won't do. Dad's made his choice very plain. So to be honest? I'd say Dad's the chump, not stepmom. It's always easier to lay the blame at the feet of the person you feel the least connection to though.

ITA with this...esp the bolding

.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Dad and step-mom are at fault. ESPECIALLY dad. Your nephew is only 8 and dealing with a new baby in the home, a baby whose mom is not his. I can't imagine the conflict that he might be going through.

I know what it's like to be tired, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. How hard is it to see a child off to school? It's not like she's driving him there


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I think people aren't focusing on how important the recital must have been to him to do what he did. It's not a question of whether he can be trusted to get on the bus in general. It's a sign of the disconnect between his feelings and the parents' willingness to blow him off. It must have been HUGE to him....8 year olds don't have that much perspective. From similar situations in childhood, I can also tell you the social stigma of not participating in stuff because of family issues can be unbearable. He may even have misled the teacher about if he could come in order to cover his embarrassment.

I am blown away by the comment that she must be too worn out with the baby to take on the "added burden" of the 8 yo. He's not the new addition, she is.

A stepparent is never a neutral figure. Especially not when they start having new children. Because then you have a family in the house, and she is the mom of the family, the woman of the house, whatev, except not to the stepkid....... which means the kid's not a full-fledged member of the family and gets to grow up with all the fun mental health sequelae of being a black sheep due to an accident of birth.

And yes, the father is at fault too. I never denied that. But she doesn't get to have her own little baby and pretend that is the only reality in the house and treat the stepson as an afterthought. Yes the bioparents are to blame but I have no pity for people who waltz into a situation and build their own dreams of family on top of a child's broken heart.

The ideas that she has ppd, the husband is a workaholic who has no actual need to show up to his job, etc., just got fabricated out of nothing to backpedal on the original, offensive argument that she has no obligation anyway. If she is incapable, she shouldn't be alone with the baby either, and the dad needs to intervene immediately. Oh wait, she's only incapable of caring for the child who just HAPPENS not to have the privilege of having been born from dad's current love interest. Funny how that works.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Can we ground the stepmom and the dad?


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

so, if a baby is not colicky or high needs it is automatically an "easy" baby? gimme a break.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I am so sad for this child.

OP, I'm an aunt to some kids whose parents have historically not stepped up to the plate, and gone through boyfriend and stepfather drama. I think judging the parents is a little useful in that you form an opinion and of course as a new parent to be you are formulating your own standards and things. However, ultimately it doesn't help your nephew a lot.

I think aunts and uncles though can provide some really good help for kids. You can provide love and responsiveness to him. You can provide a safe haven in your home. All those lessons will go in too, that someone cares and loves him.

You can also choose to bring it up with his father and stepmother and be a voice for him. That can be dangerous because sometimes family chooses to cut ties rather than hear it. But sometimes it can really help. In my case at one point there was a person involved with the family that we felt was abusive enough in public that we worried about his having access to the children in private. Saying that did not make us popular. But ultimately it did help in the situation. It's a case-by-case call you have to make, or look for 'teaching moments' to mention things to your brother lightly.

For more minor things, I have learned to keep my mouth generally closed. As my niece and nephews age though, they have started to bring their concerns about important things (drugs, sex, etc.) to me, and also just to come by for a "love bomb". Extended family ties can be great for that and I encourage you to make as many as you can with your nephew - which may be returned in spades as he bonds with your new baby and becomes a loving older cousin to him.


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## roxyrox (Sep 11, 2006)

An 8yo is more than capable of getting on a bus on their own. Many 8yo in my city get the tube(underground) to school, on their own everyday. (or get regular buses -we don't have 'school' buses here, generally).

I think the bigger issue here is that the dad/stepmother _couldn't be bothered_ to make time to go to the child's recital, which was obviously important to him.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
so, if a baby is not colicky or high needs it is automatically an "easy" baby? gimme a break.

Was that said?

Why so rude?

How old is your baby?


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

you know, it really doesnt matter. I am not trying to be rude, only I find it rude of people to imply, with or without saying, that I must have it easy because my baby is not colicky or high needs.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
you know, it really doesnt matter. I am not trying to be rude, only I find it rude of people to imply, with or without saying, that I must have it easy because my baby is not colicky or high needs.


I Posted this

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first. ...<snip>

.

In response to the OP making a comment about it being easy to get up with a newborn in the morning.

You said this

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
I heard this over and over from others before I had my baby. And I disagree. Having a baby is exactly what i expected it to be, and for some people, that's how it is. ..<snip>

as if I had directed the original comment at you.







:

So if you weren't disagreeing with me that it can be hard at first, what was your point?
That you really do know everything there is to know about babies without having BTDT? Or are you hoping that the "others" are reading this thread.

It came across as if you were saying that it wasn't hard, just like you had expected.
Now, you are offended because I am implying you have it easy???







:

Did you just misunderstand my original post?

I am TOTALLY confused as to what your point is.

I will assume (since you wont say) that your babe is less than 2 mo...in which case you still have a ways to go yet before you can really say that having a baby is exactly what you thought it would be.

.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I am so sad for this child.

OP, I'm an aunt to some kids whose parents have historically not stepped up to the plate, and gone through boyfriend and stepfather drama. I think judging the parents is a little useful in that you form an opinion and of course as a new parent to be you are formulating your own standards and things. However, ultimately it doesn't help your nephew a lot.

I think aunts and uncles though can provide some really good help for kids. You can provide love and responsiveness to him. You can provide a safe haven in your home. All those lessons will go in too, that someone cares and loves him.

You can also choose to bring it up with his father and stepmother and be a voice for him. That can be dangerous because sometimes family chooses to cut ties rather than hear it. But sometimes it can really help. In my case at one point there was a person involved with the family that we felt was abusive enough in public that we worried about his having access to the children in private. Saying that did not make us popular. But ultimately it did help in the situation. It's a case-by-case call you have to make, or look for 'teaching moments' to mention things to your brother lightly.

For more minor things, I have learned to keep my mouth generally closed. As my niece and nephews age though, they have started to bring their concerns about important things (drugs, sex, etc.) to me, and also just to come by for a "love bomb". Extended family ties can be great for that and I encourage you to make as many as you can with your nephew - which may be returned in spades as he bonds with your new baby and becomes a loving older cousin to him.


This is such great advice. You are in a position to help this little boy.

I have been thinking about him all day







I really hope that things improve for him soon.


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## Needle in the Hay (Sep 16, 2006)

I don't understand what kind of custody agreement either sends a little boy away from his mother and sister (biomom has custody of the girl, the dad got the boy) to live in another state, or doesn't allow him to move with his mother and sister out of state.

Maybe at some point, in some cases, a boy is better off living with his dad when he is in or approaching the teen years but I don't know how these judges or whoever decided this figured this custody arrangement was in this boy's best interest. It just sounds so messed up to begin with. This kid couldn't have been more than 6 (since he just turned 8) when he was separated from his mom. That's really little to not have your mom around. And separating siblings? That just seems awful to me.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

yeah. you're right. i have no idea because my baby is two months old. bla bla bla humble pie and all that.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

it doesn't matter if your baby is easy or hard. My second child was so hard I vowed to never have children again (little did I know that number three wa already on the way. I sobbed when I found out). I couldn't do it and didn't know how I was going to make it through her childhood. or even through her second birthday. But it didn't matter. my older dd didn't stop needing me and i couldn't stop being there for her.

if step mom was the weekend parent or whatever he responsibilities would be different. but she is not. She is a primary care giver, she is the responsible adult in the mornings. Poetry reading aside it is ih er responsibility every morning to get her butt out of bed, tend to the kids, whatever whatever. if she absolutely won't or can't do it they need to hire someone who can.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
it doesn't matter if your baby is easy or hard. My second child was so hard I vowed to never have children again (little did I know that number three wa already on the way. I sobbed when I found out). I couldn't do it and didn't know how I was going to make it through her childhood. or even through her second birthday. But it didn't matter. my older dd didn't stop needing me and i couldn't stop being there for her.

if step mom was the weekend parent or whatever he responsibilities would be different. but she is not. She is a primary care giver, she is the responsible adult in the mornings. Poetry reading aside it is ih er responsibility every morning to get her butt out of bed, tend to the kids, whatever whatever. if she absolutely won't or can't do it they need to hire someone who can.

ITA that she is dropping the ball

But so is Dad

And it isn't fair to act like it is easy to get up early in the morning with a newborn and see this kid off to school (lilyka, I don't think you are implying that...but earlier posts have). Not that it excuses her not doing it, but it is hard, and I completely understand WHY she might feel overwhelmed.

And we don't know if she agreed to be the primary caregiver. I really think (esp from reading the last thread regarding this little guy) that Dad has NO PROBLEM pushing the care of his son off onto other people. If he does it to his own SIL then I am sure that he does it to his Wife. I am betting that she is pretty much responsible for ALL of the care for BOTH children.

I just feel sorry for the stepmom too, because I think that she is getting a little more than she bargained for in this situation. I doubt that she realized she would be providing the majority of the care for her DSS.

Again, this doesn't EXCUSE not keeping an eye on him, but I really think that the Dad is the one who needs to step up to the plate and start supporting his wife and spending time with his son. Maybe then she would have the energy and mental strength to be a Mother to her DSS consistently.

I am now curious WHY dad even has sole custody. This poor little boy has suffered so many hurts for being barely 8 years old









.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
yeah. you're right. i have no idea because my baby is two months old. bla bla bla humble pie and all that.


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## ReadingMama (Mar 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Me neither.

And I'd go so far as to say that step-mom is NOT mom and doesn't have the obligations to this kid that the father and mother have. If dad wants him supervised getting on the bus, he needs to do it himself or find someone else to do it. If he doesn't, he needs to go over the rules with his son and hold him accountable.

I sure as hell would have consequences for a child who took it upon himself to walk to school when he was sent out to get on the bus.









What?! When you marry someone with kids, you take on the whole package. And if she is a SAHM, her responsibilities don't end with only her biological child. That is ridiculous!







: Stepmom was the one at home with the child, therefore she was the one who was responsible for him.

Even if an 8 year old could be counted on to make the right decision to get on the bus (which this 8 year old obviously can't be), there are other dangers to sending a young child out alone. What about child predators? What about bullies? What about an aggressive dog on the loose? And because this child got in a car with a stranger, he obviously isn't mature enough to make safe decisions about this kind of thing.

I agree with the school too. And instead of punishing your nephew, they should have a very, very serious talk with him about safety and strangers. It sounds like that talk is long overdue. And they owe him an apology for letting him down.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

it doesn't matter if your baby is easy or hard. My second child was so hard I vowed to never have children again (little did I know that number three wa already on the way. I sobbed when I found out). I couldn't do it and didn't know how I was going to make it through her childhood. or even through her second birthday. But it didn't matter. my older dd didn't stop needing me and i couldn't stop being there for her.
I agree. I have had easy babies and needy babies. Even with my most seriously needy baby (as in, colicky, screaming, had to be held all the time, didn't sleep more than an hour at best, me being crazed from sleep), I had to pick up dh from work at 7 am because he hadn't gotten his US drivers license at the time. If I could do that several times a week for months on end, how is it such a huge imposition for the step-mom to do it *once* for a *special occasion*?

I agree the kid did something stupid. But he's a kid, he was rejected, and he was unsupervised. He's supposed to act like a mature adult?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
He's supposed to act like a mature adult?

Esp when the adults in his life don't act like mature adults


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first.
With all due respect this is a really patronizing attitude to have, especially since the OP is just concerned for her nephew. It is great to try to give the step-mom the benefit of the doubt, but not at the expense of respect to the concerned aunt.

FWIW I had a baby who cried for 10-14 hours AT A TIME for the first 4 months. After that we had "good days" where he would only cry for 4 hours AT A TIME. We didn't sleep for more than 3 hours a night for 3 years. But life didn't stop because my baby was challenging. And I can't say that mothering was *harder* than I thought (maybe I was just too tired to put together complex thoughts like that







).

In any case, there is only one person in this whole scenario that is the victim, and that would be the only one with no real choice in the matter. Most of the arguments in this thread are based purely on speculation, peppered with a good measure of assumptions based on the different posters' experiences. There is no indication that the dad is a workaholic, or that the step mom is depressed. There is no proof that the stepmom is being pressured or forced into the situation. Or that she didn't know what she was getting in to, or any of the other assumptions. The only thing that is clear is this 8 year old boy is struggling.

If there is unhappiness on the part of the stepmom because she doesn't want to deal with the boy then she needs to make the choice to find another way to do things. If the father doesn't want to take responsibility for the boy and is passing the responsibility to his wife he needs to make the choice to find another solution. If the stepmom can't or won't supervise the boy properly then someone needs to make the choice to find someone who will. All the excuses in the world won't take away the fact that this boy needs help. I don't mean to underestimate how difficult step-parenting can be, I know parenting can be hard enough, but when you are thrown into the job part-way through there are some real problems that can come up. But if it isn't working then someone needs to make things change.

Thanks OP for caring! It will make a difference for your nephew


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
ITA that she is dropping the ball

But so is Dad

And it isn't fair to act like it is easy to get up early in the morning with a newborn and see this kid off to school (lilyka, I don't think you are implying that...but earlier posts have). Not that it excuses her not doing it, but it is hard, and I completely understand WHY she might feel overwhelmed.

And we don't know if she agreed to be the primary caregiver. I really think (esp from reading the last thread regarding this little guy) that Dad has NO PROBLEM pushing the care of his son off onto other people. If he does it to his own SIL then I am sure that he does it to his Wife. I am betting that she is pretty much responsible for ALL of the care for BOTH children.

I just feel sorry for the stepmom too, because I think that she is getting a little more than she bargained for in this situation. I doubt that she realized she would be providing the majority of the care for her DSS.

Again, this doesn't EXCUSE not keeping an eye on him, but I really think that the Dad is the one who needs to step up to the plate and start supporting his wife and spending time with his son. Maybe then she would have the energy and mental strength to be a Mother to her DSS consistently.

I am now curious WHY dad even has sole custody. This poor little boy has suffered so many hurts for being barely 8 years old









.

I'm telling you, this child has been rejected time and time again. He probably doesn't want anything to do with his stepmom and she stopped trying a long time ago. I have BTDT. Children who have been rejected over and over again cannot accept someone new who tries to help them.

She may be an uncaring UAV. But she may also be someone who got burnt out after being rejected herself. Read up on attachment disorders and children who have been abandoned by their parents. I hope this poor child is just crying out for help, but some of the warning signs for RAD are stealing and inappropriate familiarity with strangers while rejecting people within the family circle, and the parents being perceived as overly hardassed or uncaring.o I have watched my dsd try to hug people she's just met, and as I said, I can totally see her getting into a stranger's car, but when someone within her family tries to help her she thinks we don't know anything and makes the worst possible choices.

And please know that I'm not criticizing this child by mentioning RAD. I'm well aware that my DSD has RAD because of the failures of her bio mom and my dh. I spend every day reading and thinking about ways to prevent myself from making her worse.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

You might understand a little better once you have your baby. It can get really hard at first.

Quote:

I think that people LOVE to feel superior, especially when it comes to Mothering our children.

I am not objecting to the idea that it is hard to imagine what it is like to have a baby before the baby arrives, it is just the "you'll understand better one day" sentiment comes off as a little superior-like. It is a phrase often used as the very first step in a long line of ways moms compete with each other. I am not saying that is at all the way you intended this statement, and I agree it can get hard very fast (as I know from first hand experience







), but I feel like the OP does seem generally concerned and that is what this boy needs. And I wouldn't blame her if she were annoyed by that comment after all the, er, disagreeing this thread has caused.

And I said, "with all due respect" because I really wasn't intending to stir up trouble or pick a fight with you, it is just that many (most, all) expectant moms seem to get rubbed the wrong way by that idea and the OP did have good intentions.

And now I have talked in circles and confused myself as dc4 grabs the keyboard and dc3 complains that she can't throw sand at her brothers


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

***


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Just for perspective... I walked 1 1/2 miles to and from school every day starting at age 7.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Hi, a few posts that were argumentative have been removed. This is an interesting conversation. Let's not let it degrade into personal attacks.

Thank you,

Kelly~


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee* 
Just for perspective... I walked 1 1/2 miles to and from school every day starting at age 7.


Uphill both ways?
LOL
It had to be said


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 

Quote:

Originally Posted by artgoddess
This. I walked to school, a little over half mile at 8 by myself I'm sure the bus stop is closer than that.

However, I think that now they know they cannot trust their 8 year old not to get in a car with a total stranger dad and step mom are aware he needs more supervision. Don't know that I agree with grounding him. I would question my own parenting first, and try to figure out where the breakdown was that my son made such a poor choice.
Even if your trust your child to get on the bus by themselves, do you trust people not to try to pick them up?

I'm not sure I understand your question. I think an 8 year old has the ability to get on the bus without supervision. As to whomever might be out there in the world that could be a pedophile or child abductor I don't have the ability to figure out where the breakdown is and correct the strangers behavior. As a parent I can only educate my child about the dangers of getting into a car with a stranger.


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## oddeebean (Feb 11, 2005)

Quote:

I think that the saddest and most upsetting part was imagining this poor kid walking to school in the morning, desperately trying to get to his breakfast poetry thing. That really breaks my heart. I just can't imagine telling my kid nope won't do it, or my stepchild if I had one. I just can't imagine how heartbroken he was after being proud of his accomplishment. And I can't believe everyone is sitting around talking about how horrible or not horrible it is that stepmom doesn't watch him walk to the bus. The really horrible part is that no one could even bother to take him and watch him read his poetry! Something that obviously was so important to him he would break the rules and try to walk to school early in the morning alone. He must of felt so desperate and alone. I seriously cry for this child, especially after reading the whole $400 thread earlier.
That was my first reaction. I'm seriously holding back tears here. Poor boy. I've been to countless things at my children's school, and I know how excited they are and to think that this poor kid knew his dad and stepmom didn't care about him enough to come but he was going to get there anyway and possibly be the only kid there without his parents? My god, that makes my stomach hurt for him. I've been in this exact situation, daddy gets a new family and out with the old kids. Stepmom has a new baby so this poor kid is shafted. He probably feels ignored, replaced, and less important to his family and aren't they just proving him right. It makes me sick. If that kid gets out of this situation with a modicum of self-respect and love it will be a damn miracle.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindsaye3* 
I can't believe everyone is sitting around talking about how horrible or not horrible it is that stepmom doesn't watch him walk to the bus. The really horrible part is that no one could even bother to take him and watch him read his poetry! Something that obviously was so important to him he would break the rules and try to walk to school early in the morning alone. He must of felt so desperate and alone.

I just wanted to quote this again, because it's really at the heart of the issue. The whole bus debate seems irrelevant to me. His father and stepmother both failed to be there for this boy, and I can't help but feel horribly sad for him that his mom, dad, and stepmom al seem intent on letting him know how unimportant he is to them at every turn. It's heartbreaking.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mandynee22* 
Uphill both ways?
LOL
It had to be said









:


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oddeebean* 
That was my first reaction. I'm seriously holding back tears here. Poor boy. I've been to countless things at my children's school, and I know how excited they are and to think that this poor kid knew his dad and stepmom didn't care about him enough to come but he was going to get there anyway and possibly be the only kid there without his parents? My god, that makes my stomach hurt for him. I've been in this exact situation, daddy gets a new family and out with the old kids. Stepmom has a new baby so this poor kid is shafted. He probably feels ignored, replaced, and less important to his family and aren't they just proving him right. It makes me sick. If that kid gets out of this situation with a modicum of self-respect and love it will be a damn miracle.

No doubt. gees, my friends and I go to stuff like this for each others kids. I can't imagine a poor kid without even one parent. We go because it is important and the more people that show up the more love a child feels. I was the kid whose own parents were never there.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
I'm telling you, this child has been rejected time and time again. He probably doesn't want anything to do with his stepmom and she stopped trying a long time ago. I have BTDT. Children who have been rejected over and over again cannot accept someone new who tries to help them.

She may be an uncaring UAV. But she may also be someone who got burnt out after being rejected herself. Read up on attachment disorders and children who have been abandoned by their parents. I hope this poor child is just crying out for help, but some of the warning signs for RAD are stealing and inappropriate familiarity with strangers while rejecting people within the family circle, and the parents being perceived as overly hardassed or uncaring.o I have watched my dsd try to hug people she's just met, and as I said, I can totally see her getting into a stranger's car, but when someone within her family tries to help her she thinks we don't know anything and makes the worst possible choices.

And please know that I'm not criticizing this child by mentioning RAD. I'm well aware that my DSD has RAD because of the failures of her bio mom and my dh. I spend every day reading and thinking about ways to prevent myself from making her worse.

I understand that you are speaking from your own experience - just as I have spoken from mine, which was the experience of being the child of a somewhat similar situation, and which with all due respect is the perspective that really matters, the child's - but I find your posts somewhat disturbing. I mean this not as a criticism of your own family life which you have shared, but the application (projection?) to this little boy's situation smacks of victim-blaming.

The story as told has two main details. First, the dad and stepmom refused to attend the poetry event after he invited them. I don't see how you can force that into an interpretation that he is rejecting the stepmom when HE invited HER and she REFUSED. I guess it's theoretically possible that there's some backstory where she tried to get close to him and he wasn't having it and now she's just so wounded from his rejections that she's burned out from trying to be the perfect martyr replacement mom..........but that's not the story the OP has told.

More importantly, why is the child being made responsible for relating to the adult in a manner the adult finds emotionally rewarding or appropriate, in order for the adult to accept invitations to the child's school events? What kind of mind-game is that... if the kid doesn't warm up to the stepmom immediately, his punishment is that *she* acts detached to him for the indefinite future, including refusing overt invitations to his important events? Why is a child responsible for making themselves worthwhile to the adults in the home, no matter what they've been through?

Sorry but I don't see how "he invites her to the poetry reading, she refuses" translates into "he must be an attachment-disordered wild child who's really the one doing the rejecting."

The other detail in the story is the lack of physical supervision for getting on the bus, which he obviously needs whether people think he "should" or not. Even if all that psychodrama about how the emotional quality of the relationship between the little kid and the adult is somehow all the little kid's fault







were true, how does that get her off the hook for basic supervision and safety concerns? He has to earn basic developmentally appropriate protection from harm by making himself sufficiently congenial? Please.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Wow, sounds like a sticky situation. Here's my view on it:

We don't know what the home situation is like. At 7-ish I was walking 2 blocks away with a few younger friends every morning to go to the bus stop, and at 8 I was walking several blocks by myself to and from school.

Will I allow my son to go to the bus stop by himself or walk to and from school? No way. Not gonna happen. I'm over protective and I know it and admit to it. But that doesn't mean everyone is, and at 8 I think a kid should be able to stand at a bus stop and get on the bus himself.

About the poetry breakfast: It would have been lovely if step mom took him to it. But she and his father said no. In my house, I expect no to mean no. If my son took off and went and did something I said he couldn't do I don't care WHY he did it, he would be punished. I wouldn't care if he "felt the need" to go and wanted to that badly. Wanting something badly doesn't mean you get it, and the kid needs to learn that.

So yeah, I support the parents in grounding the kid. He needs to learn right from wrong, and disobeying your parents and getting in a car with a stranger when you were told you couldn't go to something is wrong.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I understand that you are speaking from your own experience - just as I have spoken from mine, which was the experience of being the child of a somewhat similar situation, and which with all due respect is the perspective that really matters, the child's - but I find your posts somewhat disturbing. I mean this not as a criticism of your own family life which you have shared, but the application (projection?) to this little boy's situation smacks of victim-blaming.

The story as told has two main details. First, the dad and stepmom refused to attend the poetry event after he invited them. I don't see how you can force that into an interpretation that he is rejecting the stepmom when HE invited HER and she REFUSED. I guess it's theoretically possible that there's some backstory where she tried to get close to him and he wasn't having it and now she's just so wounded from his rejections that she's burned out from trying to be the perfect martyr replacement mom..........but that's not the story the OP has told.

More importantly, why is the child being made responsible for relating to the adult in a manner the adult finds emotionally rewarding or appropriate, in order for the adult to accept invitations to the child's school events? What kind of mind-game is that... if the kid doesn't warm up to the stepmom immediately, his punishment is that *she* acts detached to him for the indefinite future, including refusing overt invitations to his important events? Why is a child responsible for making themselves worthwhile to the adults in the home, no matter what they've been through?

Sorry but I don't see how "he invites her to the poetry reading, she refuses" translates into "he must be an attachment-disordered wild child who's really the one doing the rejecting."

The other detail in the story is the lack of physical supervision for getting on the bus, which he obviously needs whether people think he "should" or not. Even if all that psychodrama about how the emotional quality of the relationship between the little kid and the adult is somehow all the little kid's fault







were true, how does that get her off the hook for basic supervision and safety concerns? He has to earn basic developmentally appropriate protection from harm by making himself sufficiently congenial? Please.

Sorry, I didn't see where he invited the stepmom. But I also know from my own experience that my sd will want me to be somewhere and then do something to try to make me look like the bad guy, so it is hard for me to be objective here. I still do believe the sm in this situation went into an already dysfunctional situation where anything she did was going to be wrong. Her actions may not be the 'right' ones, but the original problem was created by an absent father and mother. She may be compounding the problem by her actions or lack of action. The child is ultimately paying the price for the actions of all of the adults here.

The sm is making mistakes, to be sure, but the biggest mistakes have already been made by the father and the mother. She came into an unwinnable situation. I'm by no means saying her behavior is stellar, just that she can't be expected to carry the ball by herself if dad can't find a way to be home once in a while and be there for his son. She's probably gone into hiding because _she knows she can't do anything right._ It isn't admirable, but I understand the feeling because I've been there, and I still have days that like sometimes.

I never said sm was a shining example of motherhood. I think she's depressed and hopeless, and just plain doesn't know what to do with her stepson who has never had anyone who gave a damn about him. I'm well aware that the people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. From the other posts about this child I have to believe some of his behavior is a cry for help, and has a hand in pushing the sm away. That isn't blaming him, it's just an observation, and somewhat based on my own experience. It isn't his fault, he's a product of his environment.

But the newest person on the scene can't magically fix what has happened to him for the past several years. She can, however, do absolutely nothing because _she's afraid no matter what she does she's going to make it worse._ It's an impossible situation.

Like I said, I could be completely wrong, but I've been there, and I've had all the assumptions made about me when I tried _everything._ I read books, talked to other parents, sought counseling, tried different ways of relating, and the bottom line is, I have a dsd who was abandoned early in life and who may never feel secure or loved, or trust anyone who has her best interest in mind. Honesty may always be an issue in our household. I have had to accept that no matter what I do, it will never be enough, and I will always be suspected of ulterior motives when in fact there are other relatives who have taken advantage of her, stolen from her, and played with her emotions. The trauma and manipulation she endured before she was 7 years old would break most adults, and I often feel like I'm not equipped to help her deal with it. There's a lot of anger in her, and she takes it out on me because I'm the person she sees most of the time, _and I take up some of her father's limited time._ I can see her point, how can she think I have her best interest at heart when I am one of the many things that take up her father's time?

I don't blame the poor child, really. I just understand how frustrating it is to deal with someone who resents you when the outside world views it as _your job,_ and any failures are perceived as _your fault._ Of course you're going to do what you can, but it's emotionally and physically exhausting, and depressing.

I mean, it isn't like people get divorced because they're working together. The very fact that there is a SM or SD means there was a _dysfunction_ somewhere.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
I understand that you are speaking from your own experience - just as I have spoken from mine, which was the experience of being the child of a somewhat similar situation, and which with all due respect is the perspective that really matters, the child's - but I find your posts somewhat disturbing. I mean this not as a criticism of your own family life which you have shared, but the application (projection?) to this little boy's situation smacks of victim-blaming.

The story as told has two main details. First, the dad and stepmom refused to attend the poetry event after he invited them. I don't see how you can force that into an interpretation that he is rejecting the stepmom when HE invited HER and she REFUSED. I guess it's theoretically possible that there's some backstory where she tried to get close to him and he wasn't having it and now she's just so wounded from his rejections that she's burned out from trying to be the perfect martyr replacement mom..........but that's not the story the OP has told.

More importantly, why is the child being made responsible for relating to the adult in a manner the adult finds emotionally rewarding or appropriate, in order for the adult to accept invitations to the child's school events? What kind of mind-game is that... if the kid doesn't warm up to the stepmom immediately, his punishment is that *she* acts detached to him for the indefinite future, including refusing overt invitations to his important events? Why is a child responsible for making themselves worthwhile to the adults in the home, no matter what they've been through?

Sorry but I don't see how "he invites her to the poetry reading, she refuses" translates into "he must be an attachment-disordered wild child who's really the one doing the rejecting."

The other detail in the story is the lack of physical supervision for getting on the bus, which he obviously needs whether people think he "should" or not. Even if all that psychodrama about how the emotional quality of the relationship between the little kid and the adult is somehow all the little kid's fault







were true, how does that get her off the hook for basic supervision and safety concerns? He has to earn basic developmentally appropriate protection from harm by making himself sufficiently congenial? Please.


Wow.

I was making it a point to stay out of this thread.

But I'm forced to say, I wish I had your gift of putting into words exactly what I was thinking.

Big







:


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I never said it was _his_ fault.









I said it was his _parents'_ fault.









And that SM could be doing more, (like making sure he gets on the bus)though I understand feeling like she can't win, having been there myself. And I offered possible scenarios that I said _may or may not_ apply. And all of those scenarios are ultimately the fault of parents who didn't do their job long before the SM came on the scene.

All I'm saying is, she isn't the first adult to fail him, or the one to shoulder most of the blame. That person is either the long gone mom or the absent dad. Anyone who is there for even 5 minutes out of the day is doing more than they have.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

bigeyes,

I guess I just don't see where the stepmom feeling put upon, like she just can't win, like she's not appreciated, or whatever all else it is you are trying to describe - which all boils down to, the fact that the situation doesn't feel good to _her_ - gets her off the hook for basic supervision and involvement. If the adult's inner personal feelings constitute a legitimate excuse not to provide the basics, how is that _not_ a case of the kid having to earn his care by making the adult feel good? Shouldn't an adult take responsiblility for their own feelings, and for maintaining appropriate boundaries between their inner, adult feelings and their interactions with children, _especially_ children they are having trouble getting close to or have mixed feelings about?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grniys* 
About the poetry breakfast: It would have been lovely if step mom took him to it. But she and his father said no. In my house, I expect no to mean no. If my son took off and went and did something I said he couldn't do I don't care WHY he did it, he would be punished. I wouldn't care if he "felt the need" to go and wanted to that badly. Wanting something badly doesn't mean you get it, and the kid needs to learn that.

grniys,

That seems remarkably cold. I don't see formal school events as special privileges. It's not like he wanted to go to the arcade to play video games. Arbitrarily refusing to help a kid participate at school is just







:







:







:. I know this because my parents did it to me, and the main effec was always extreme social embarrassment at school, standing out as the one kid who couldn't participate. Or the one kid whose parents aren't there to congratulate them when the performance or whatever is over. Etc etc. It's not like the activities themselves are all that - its about social roles and your place in the world as experienced at the intersection of the kid's two worlds, school and home. For parents to deliberately sabotage these rituals and milestones is sadistic. It feels like, "they not only make our home life hell, but they've got to humiliate me at school, too?!?" When good parents really _can't_ make it to things like that, they feel bad. They bend over backwards to get there, they find a grandma or neighbor to give a ride so at least the kid himself can be there, they take time off work even if they have low-status jobs where that's risky behavior and they can't really afford to lose the hours. Even parents with good excuses don't shrug their shoulders at this stuff. It's not a parent's place to sit back and arbitrarily decide whether they will "allow" their kid to participate in normal school activities. Because then the kid has to face all the other kids at school, who participate as a matter of course, and wonder what makes them different. If you give a kid a message that normal school/community programs and parental involvement in such is a privilege they don't deserve, or have to do something to earn, you set them up for an inferiority complex. I speak from experience.

ETA I also want to add that him trying to walk to school was probably a desperate attempt to salvage his sense of belonging and participation in the school community from his parents' selfish sabotage. To save face, as it were. It's a feeling I know intimately, and it's not pretty. The emotional courage of a child in this situation is noble, but tragic.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
bigeyes,

I guess I just don't see where the stepmom feeling put upon, like she just can't win, like she's not appreciated, or whatever all else it is you are trying to describe - which all boils down to, the fact that the situation doesn't feel good to _her_ - gets her off the hook for basic supervision and involvement. If the adult's inner personal feelings constitute a legitimate excuse not to provide the basics, how is that _not_ a case of the kid having to earn his care by making the adult feel good? Shouldn't an adult take responsiblility for their own feelings, and for maintaining appropriate boundaries between their inner, adult feelings and their interactions with children, _especially_ children they are having trouble getting close to or have mixed feelings about?


I never said it lets her off the hook. I said she should make sure he gets to the bus stop. And now that I see he asked her to go to the event, yes, she should have gone. That was pretty lousy.

The whole family is dysfunctional, from what I've read in the 2 threads. This kid has been ignored for a long time, and dad feels fine just dumping it all off on the stepmom, who either won't or can't _(whichever it is)_ deal with it. And, that kid is crying out for help, and dad's answer is going to be for _someone else to do it._ He gets to avoid the mess he created _and_ he has someone to blame when it doesn't get fixed. How convenient for him.







:

It's a hell of a lot easier to _just never come home and deal with the mess you created_ than it is to _be there,_ isn't it? That is what makes me think dad is _more_ at fault. If nothing else, stepmom is at least making sure he gets fed and goes to school, however inadequate that is. She's no saint, but she isn't the primary cause of this situation. Everyone in this man's life is aware of how much they matter, I'd bet.


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## OhDang (Jan 30, 2008)

Well he is very lucky that he didn't get kidnapped, but the kids I nanny for get on the bus by themselves too and they are 8, and 6. The bus stop is ACROSS The street so its not like they are walking a block away. We just all trust them a lot and we have never had any problems.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *diamond lil* 
*This is long....I'm sorry*

My 8 year old nephew (the same one who stole $400.00 from me a few weeks ago







) had some type of breakfast/poetry reading thing before school one day last week. He told his parents (Dad and Stepmom) about it and gave them the little info sheet on it. Dad couldn't make it because he starts work early, and nephew's stepmom said she WOULDN'T go because she doesn't like to get out of bed until 8:30 or 9 am. Yes, that's right. She has a new baby and does not work outside the home.

(cuts made by flapjack)

What do you think????? Is an 8 year old old enough to get on a school bus without supervision, or does Stepmom need to get her act together?

Okay. My 9yo went off to school by himself on a public bus (which he takes every other day of the week, all the drivers know us, and is a pretty safe environment for him). He's done it before, in situations when his brother is ill, and he enjoys the responsibility. My 7yo cannot consistently walk from the school gates to his classroom without getting bogged down by something else (eg playing hide and seek, realises he's late, gets embarrassed, stays there rather than be embarrassed) or otherwise distracted. It depends on the child- I get hassle from the school because I know how Isaac is and keep trying to give him opportunities that he isn't ready for, not because I give Alex opportunities that he is.
I don't believe in judging other people, but someone needs to be there for this child on a real, gutsy, honest emotional level, and from the stories you tell this isn't happening for him. It sounds like someone also needs to be there for his stepmum and help her transition more successfully into parenting two, including an older child.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

This kid can't be trusted to walk to the end of his driveway to get on the bus at the age of 8? That's ridiculous (and I'm too lazy to dig up the post, but the OP did say that the bus pick up was at the end of the driveway).

Sometimes parents can't make it to school events. That's just life. There were many times in my childhood when my parents couldn't make it to school events. It is disappointing, but not an overly tragic thing. If this were my child, I would make every effort to go, but in the end if I couldn't make it, I would expect him to follow my instructions to go to school on the bus (or DH's directions if he were the one giving them). I would also take this as a major teachable moment regarding not getting in cars with people you don't know.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
bigeyes,
That seems remarkably cold. I don't see formal school events as special privileges. It's not like he wanted to go to the arcade to play video games. Arbitrarily refusing to help a kid participate at school is just







:







:







:. I know this because my parents did it to me, and the main effec was always extreme social embarrassment at school, standing out as the one kid who couldn't participate. Or the one kid whose parents aren't there to congratulate them when the performance or whatever is over. Etc etc. It's not like the activities themselves are all that - its about social roles and your place in the world as experienced at the intersection of the kid's two worlds, school and home. For parents to deliberately sabotage these rituals and milestones is sadistic. It feels like, "they not only make our home life hell, but they've got to humiliate me at school, too?!?" When good parents really _can't_ make it to things like that, they feel bad. They bend over backwards to get there, they find a grandma or neighbor to give a ride so at least the kid himself can be there, they take time off work even if they have low-status jobs where that's risky behavior and they can't really afford to lose the hours. Even parents with good excuses don't shrug their shoulders at this stuff. It's not a parent's place to sit back and arbitrarily decide whether they will "allow" their kid to participate in normal school activities. Because then the kid has to face all the other kids at school, who participate as a matter of course, and wonder what makes them different. If you give a kid a message that normal school/community programs and parental involvement in such is a privilege they don't deserve, or have to do something to earn, you set them up for an inferiority complex. I speak from experience.

ETA I also want to add that him trying to walk to school was probably a desperate attempt to salvage his sense of belonging and participation in the school community from his parents' selfish sabotage. To save face, as it were. It's a feeling I know intimately, and it's not pretty. The emotional courage of a child in this situation is noble, but tragic.










Beautifully written.
And







from someone who was not allowed to play sports or an instrument or basically participate in any extraciricular activities. No real reason except my parents didn't want to bother. I'm in my 30's and it still makes me a little sad.
(Oh, so guess what I ended up doing after school --- smoking pot. Surprise surprise.)


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Wow, I am so impressed that this thread has generated so much discussion. I was unable to read posts Friday and over the weekend due to having a garage sale!

My SIL (nephew's stepmom) helped me run the garage sale and I gently brought up nephew's little escapade. I just wanted to know her side of the story since I only got nephew's dad's side.

According to her, she doesn't always watch nephew get on the bus, but sometimes she does. She wasn't watching that day.

She might be depressed, but I have no medical training and am in no position to diagnose her. Her baby is an angel (according to her). She really is. I hope I have one like her. She does not nurse and has had some reflux issues, but other than that, I asked mom how she's doing with the baby and she said that she is fine, sleeps until 3 am when she needs a feeding and dipe change, and is pretty good all day.

Mom sleeps a lot because baby sleeps a lot. I don't know if that is normal. Baby is 3 months old.

I know she is bored, but she is looking forward to starting some classes so she can get out of the house. PLEASE don't flame her for this decision. She WANTS to get out of the house and I don't blame her. I told her I would help out any way I can.

Dad does not deserve a free pass. I agree with all the posters that this is partly his fault, too. He needs to pay more attention to his kid, but I think he's trying.

This weekend, he bought nephew a new glove and baseball and they threw it around our backyard for a few hours (we have a big backyard, and they come over a lot to play, which I don't mind).

I did call him out on a comment he made to nephew. I might be derailing my own thread with this, so forgive me.







I overheard them talking as they were throwing the ball around, Dad giving nephew advice, and so forth. Dad had a problem with the way nephew was holding his glove to catch the ball and actually said to newphew if he continued to hold his glove like that, he was going to hit the kid in the head with the ball on purpose.

Well, I came unglued. I jumped out of my chair and told him if he hit nephew with the ball, I'd set him (dad) on fire. I don't know why I said that, it was just the first thing that came to my mind. Dad backed down right away and immediately apologized and said he was only kidding, but I still don't think it was funny to say that. I'm pregnant and am kinda touchy, so maybe I took it the wrong way, but he definately saw the mama bear side of me. Even my husband was impressed.

So, dad is trying to spend a little more time with his family in general, but he does have a short fuse, which stinks. I also asked my husband to talk to nephew's dad (since they spend so much time together).

Whew! Thanks for reading!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

i was bored to death with my first one. Perhaps taking some classes and getting out will give her more stucture and make her a better mom to both kids.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *diamond lil* 
Wow, I am so impressed that this thread has generated so much discussion. I was unable to read posts Friday and over the weekend due to having a garage sale!

*My SIL (nephew's stepmom) helped me run the garage sale* and I gently brought up nephew's little escapade. I just wanted to know her side of the story since I only got nephew's dad's side.

According to her, *she doesn't always watch nephew get on the bus, but sometimes she does.* She wasn't watching that day.

*She might be depressed, but I have no medical training and am in no position to diagnose her.* Her baby is an angel (according to her). She really is. I hope I have one like her. *She does not nurse and has had some reflux issues, but other than that,* I asked mom how she's doing with the baby and she said that she is fine, sleeps until 3 am when she needs a feeding and dipe change, and is pretty good all day.

*Mom sleeps a lot because baby sleeps a lot. I don't know if that is normal. Baby is 3 months old.
*
I know she is bored, but she is looking forward to starting some classes so she can get out of the house. *PLEASE don't flame her for this decision.* She WANTS to get out of the house and I don't blame her. I told her I would help out any way I can.

Dad does not deserve a free pass. I agree with all the posters that this is partly his fault, too. He needs to pay more attention to his kid, but I think he's trying.

This weekend, he bought nephew a new glove and baseball and they threw it around our backyard for a few hours (we have a big backyard, and they come over a lot to play, which I don't mind).

I did call him out on a comment he made to nephew. I might be derailing my own thread with this, so forgive me.







I overheard them talking as they were throwing the ball around, Dad giving nephew advice, and so forth. Dad had a problem with the way nephew was holding his glove to catch the ball and actually said to newphew if he continued to hold his glove like that, he was going to hit the kid in the head with the ball on purpose.

Well, I came unglued. I jumped out of my chair and told him if he hit nephew with the ball, I'd set him (dad) on fire. I don't know why I said that, it was just the first thing that came to my mind. Dad backed down right away and immediately apologized and said he was only kidding, but I still don't think it was funny to say that. I'm pregnant and am kinda touchy, so maybe I took it the wrong way, but he definately saw the mama bear side of me. Even my husband was impressed.

So, dad is trying to spend a little more time with his family in general, but he does have a short fuse, which stinks. I also asked my husband to talk to nephew's dad (since they spend so much time together).

Whew! Thanks for reading!

So her baby DOES have some issues (reflux)

That makes things really hard. She tried to breastfeed and had to stop because of reflux??

It sounds like this Mama has been having a hard time with her babe. She probably just doesn't want to admit it.









I think it sounds like she is doing the best job that she knows how.

If she is seeing your nephew off on the bus some days but not others, it really sounds to me that she is EXHAUSTED on the days that she isn't watching.

Again, not excusing it, but this doesn't make her "Lazy"...esp considering that she came and helped you with a garage sale this weekend....

Honestly she sounds very nice and I think it is interesting that you are requesting that we don;t "flame her" when it really seems like that is what you have done in several posts. Calling her lazy etc...

It sounds like she is really trying....

Like I said before, you may understand better when your babe comes. I am not saying that you have no idea what it is like to have a babe. Just saying that you might have a little more compassion for how hard it can be, esp if babe has reflux or colic. It can get really tough. Reflux is a big deal.

.


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
She tried to breastfeed and had to stop because of reflux??

If she is seeing your nephew off on the bus some days but not others, it really sounds to me that she is EXHAUSTED on the days that she isn't watching.

Again, not excusing it, but this doesn't make her "Lazy"...esp considering that she came and helped you with a garage sale this weekend....

Honestly she sounds very nice and I think it is interesting that you are requesting that we don;t "flame her" when it really seems like that is what you have done in several posts. Calling her lazy etc...

It sounds like she is really trying....

Like I said before, you may understand better when your babe comes. I am not saying that you have no idea what it is like to have a babe. Just saying that you might have a little more compassion for how hard it can be, esp if babe has reflux or colic. It can get really tough. Reflux is a big deal.

She never tried breastfeeding. She thought it was "gross." She regrets that decision now. She worked as an accountant before she got pregnant and has admitted that being pregnant and staying home has made her feel lazy (her words). Being a SAHM is not for her. I totally support her decision and can empathize because I have no plans to stay at home either. She's the only SAHM I know that I've actually felt comfortable enough to ask, "So...what do you DO all day?" and she truthfully replied "Sleep, make bottles, and watch Maury Povich." Gotta love the woman for her honesty.









I love her and she is my friend, I just think it isn't too much to ask that she at least watch to make sure nephew gets on the bus.

Unfortunately, this little family has its share of ups and downs and problems. We are very close-knit and help each other out whenever we can.


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