# Bringing your own food to a birthday party... is it rude?



## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

DD, age 2, has been invited to two birthday parties this month, both family. One is at McDonald's, and one is at a place like Chuck-E-Cheese that serves food that I wouldn't touch with a 10ft stick









DD doesn't have any food allergies, per-se. She was sensitive to gluten as a baby and now it gives her behavioral issues, we suspect. Currently we're making a highly concerted effort to 100% eliminate artifical colors and HFCS because they make her fly off the handle. We've also eliminate nearly all processed foods from her diet. She is making a positive change









Is it rude to bring food for DD? Not sure what the food situation at McD's is, but at the other place it's probably pizza and cake, so it is ordered for everyone as a group and not individually.

Thanks in advance







We've never been to a party like this before, our family usually has home cooked food at parties so this hasn't been an issue.


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## treegardner (May 28, 2009)

I think it's kind of rude. Would your daughter even go along with that plan? I would think it might be hard to get your child to eat healthy foods while all her friends are eating hamburgers and pizza.


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## GreenMamma (Feb 21, 2010)

I don't think it's rude. Although to save time on explaining why you are avoiding the junk food, I'd just call it food allergies. And your daughter will be just fine.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

My son's dr. advised us to put him on a gluten-free diet back in October, and since then he has been to a couple of birthday parties where we've brought in extra food for him. I will make him a turkey sandwich on GF bread or even pick up some California rolls (both are his favorites), and I always bring a GF cupcake so he's getting cake too when the other kids have theirs (there's an awesome vegan bakery near us, they use agave and other natural ingredients, it's a godsend).

I have always just made a small mention of it beforehand so we're not unpacking all this stuff unexpectedly. I never met any resistance, in fact the other moms almost seem embarrassed or something that they can't accommodate him -- but I reassure them it's not any trouble for us.

Oh, re: McD's, in a pinch DS has had a plain hamburger from there, no bun, and a few fries -- though I can't say the fries are definitely GF, for him it doesn't seem to make a difference.


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Thanks







I suppose one day (well, in this case two) may not hurt









For the McD boy's last birthday, we were GF, and his mom was actually worried about accomodating us, which was very kind of her. She made sure to have a big fruit and veggie selection for our DD, since that was all she'd eat at the time and it was GF









The other party DD may just not eat. She's kind of finicky around people and doesn't eat much anyhow.. We shall see









I really don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to set DD off.. you know? She was already heavily hooked on HFCS foods (via breads and such, not necessarly pure junk foods), and she's finally kind of "ok" with being without them.

Thanks


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

We went to a party saturday at Chuckie Cheese. They actually had a pretty well stocked salad bar. We have a milk allergy so i just purchased the salad separate from the party. In the past i have always taken food to parties for my ds with the allergy. No one has ever batted an eye. i am guessing they would prefer you to be there and bring your on food than not go at all.

i say go take your own food and have a good time.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Taking your own food is rude. Plus, the other kids may notice and raise a fuss. Pre-feed your daughter, so she won't be hungry and offer her whatever you think is okay at the party.


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## July09Mama (Dec 5, 2008)

My dd isn't that old yet, but I'd definitely just bring whatever she needs. I used to work in childcare, and kids these days (the ones who are in group care, at least) are very used to the idea that some kids have different foods than others; a LOT of kids have different diets for one reason or another.
It's not like it's homemade food that you're not eating, even. I really don't think anyone is going to be offended that you aren't feeding your kid mcdonalds.


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Taking your own food is not rude if you know you'll be in a situation that doesn't have food that accomadates your (or in this case your child's) diet. It's rude to expect a guest to go hungry or to eat something that isn't good for their body (mental/emotional health, behavior, etc.), especially if that guest is only two years old. Frankly if I were on a specific diet ( for weight loss, allergies, vegetarian, whatever) and some one was having a party at a fast food restaurant with limited choices that fit in to that diet I'd bring my own food or not go. In this day and age I think it's understood that there are many different ways of eating. Between the vegetarians/vegans, the GFCF-ers, the TF-ers, all the different allergies, you can't always please everyone. As a hostess I just serve what I want to serve and assume that if people have specific dietary restrictions they'll bring their own food. The only time I'd think it would be rude to bring your own food is if you just didn't like the way the hostess cooked. That would be rude.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

We always pre-feed the kids in questionable situations, then let them graze the 'bad' food - they never eat much. You may have different struggles with this food issue as you DC gets older and has all kinds of thoughts about fitting in, or being different, or wanting to get at the 'yummy' stuff that other kids are eating. I've learned to choose my battles - it really gets tedious to micromanage this stuff when they start developing a will. Having said that, my kids hate cake, icing, soda, most candies simply *because* of how we eat at home. I never disallow them this stuff at parties - they just can't stand the stuff and find it tastes too sweet, or funny, or whatever.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

since your dd has no food allergies

and since the hostess was so kind last time

bring your own food IS rude!!!!

plus a one time deal is not going to really 'hurt' your dd kwim - even though you ARE trying to keep her off those foods.

i would definitely prefeed my dd to make sure she just grazes anyways.

its also so hard to say which way your kid will align.

i have seen two year olds just wallop down whatever sweet they could lay their hands on - even others cake - since they had never eaten it before.

its one thing if your child doesnt want to eat. its a whole nother issue if you bring food.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

It sounds like your child does actually have food allergies - to gluten or certain additives. If she has behavioral changes when she eats certain things, it sounds like she has an allergy, or at least an intolerance (described by our ped as basically something that bothers, physically or otherwise, someone when they eat it, but doesn't cause a full blown allergic reaction).

In that case, I think it is totally reasonable to bring your own food. I can't imagine someone expecting you to feed your child something that doesn't agree with them. We were at a birthday party recently, and one of the kids has major food allergies. His mom brought his food, he wasn't bothered by it and none of the kids wanted his food, or even said anything.

On the other hand, if a parent just doesn't like the food being served, and so brings their own food - I do think that is rude. We knew a family that had a really odd diet. The kids weren't allergic to anything, but the mom had the whole family on a pretty odd diet (one that, honestly, I think is unhealthy physically and if her kids don't grow up to have major food issues, I'll be shocked), but she thought was very healthy, etc. She brought food for her kids to something at our house, and I thought it was rude. Basically, it felt like she was saying that our food wasn't suitable to feed her kids.

I think that if a kid has real allergies, it is something they have to learn to live with - including learning how to take care of themselves and still enjoy social situations. If a kid doesn't have allergies, and the parent creates artificial restrictions, it is rude to the people having the party and the kid will end up resenting it.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I think it's fine, especially considering the age of the child in question. I'd alert the hosts in advance, though, and just explain that you will bring your child's own meal due to food sensitivities. That will help them out if they are pre-ordering (probably not an issue at McDonald's, but elsewhere it may be).

As she gets older, you'll have to figure out how to handle this kind of situation. Particularly since you may not be with her at the party - most parents around here drop off their kids at parties at about age 6.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Not rude AT ALL!

Your dd has a *FOOD INTOLERANCE*, which many not be life-threatening, but no less serious than a food allergy. There is no reason to make your dd MISERABLE just because somebody wants to have a party at a particular venue. That's just ridiculous.

Yes... even ONCE can cause problems. People who don't understand food intolerance don't understand the ramifications... they don't have to see the results.

ETA: A link for the Feingold diet information, which is a huge help for people with food intolerance. The site is also a treasure trove of information about food intolerance/sensitivity for those who do not know.


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## karika (Nov 4, 2005)

In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality. I would probably not even go. I have a problem being around other people that are feeding their children what I consider to be poison to the human body. i have zero tolerance for it. there is so much evidence now to support the facts that food colorings cause reactions in all children. HFCS is proven to be bad for the body.... anyway, at 2 it isn't like she would even know there was a party she isn't going to. We are also GFCF and working on SF, for behavioral issues and because I have done the research. It is what is healthiest, IMO. Eating raw as much as possible (but not all, there is benefit to some foods cooked (and I haven't kicked the meat habit yet....) but what is served at Mc is not even qualified as meat IMO. It is from feed lot cows that were very unhappy most likely, and then the bits of meat that used to be unusable due to contamination possibilities are treated with ammonia and made in into patties for fast food and schools. http://www.newser.com/story/77225/da...unch-beef.html In my opinion, it is not food. So I wouldn't feel weird or bad at all about bringing real food for my child anywhere I go. I do in fact, and have for a long time since we were organic before that. To the posters that say a little is okay, once I read the things I have read and decided those things were poison for us, I cannot in good conscience give any to my child. If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do. I did like what one woman said that her children have never been restricted from those foods, and so they don't like the taste of them and refuse them, this may work when my dd is older and wondering about those other foods if the rest of the world is still eating it by then.... but we just started my daughter on the GFCF diet 6 wks ago (all of us girls are on it and feel awesome now) and she would still remember mcd... her dad used to take her there and me long ago when we travelled cross country. But now I know more and so I do things differently. I think the main reason people are still eating at places like that even after the NYT expose is they are afraid of change, and the ads (along with the alpha waves from the tv) have them in a state of half sleep. Or I could be wrong about it all... but anyway for now I would tell anyone that my dd is allergic to gluten, casein, food colors, HFCS, nitrates and nitrites.... and it is my opinion all humans are 'allergic' to these things... in that I do not believe the human body is meant to digest them and the chemicals were never meant to be food....


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

It's not rude, _per se_, but the polite thing to do is mention to the hosts that your child seems to have some sensitivity/allergy issues so while you're trying to isolate the cause(s), you're trying to provide your own food.


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## marimara (Jan 31, 2008)

If I were you, w/ a 2yo who has displayed what I felt were food intolerances, I just wouldn't go. Chuck E Cheese is really loud and overstimulating to my child, we made the mistake of going to a party there once when she was 2 and it was a big mistake. She can't even play MOST of the games at 2. As for McD's I wouldn't go either. DD has never even been inside one. I consider those indoor playspaces to be like germ factories anyways, nasty dirty. As for the food, yeah it's crap, but it is the real world. At 2 you child isn't even going to know what they are missing. When they get older though, it becomes a gametime decision about how much you're going to let your child participate in mainstream activities and foods. At 2, I wouldn't even bother w/all the headache. The only reason I went when dd was 2 was because it was family, if it wasn't I wouldn't have gone, no question.


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## LovnMyBoys (Jan 21, 2008)

I don;t think it is rude because I would say your child does indeed have a food intolerance. My kids are on very restricted diets for their food issues. Family and friends are very aware so it is usually just a given that we are coming with our own food. DS1 is at the age where he is being invited to classmates birthday parties now. I always call the parent in advance and ask what food they will be serving. I then explain the situation and let them know that I will be sending ds with his own similar food. He is liking the independenc of going alone to a party which is great becasue he is so aware of his own restrictions, but this gives the parent a level of comfort becasue they usually go through everything that will be at the party for my approval. Ds had a party on the weekend and he took his own pizza and cupcakes and everyone was fine with it. I'd rather my child be safe and able to attend these parties rahter than worrying whether I'm going to offend (and I've always had huge support from parents).


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

My kids have allergies so I do bring my own food to parties. But I always clear it with the parent first.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Pre-feed your daughter, so she won't be hungry and offer her whatever you think is okay at the party.

this. my kids never ate much at parties because they are so over excited.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
It's not rude, _per se_, but the polite thing to do is mention to the hosts that your child seems to have some sensitivity/allergy issues so while you're trying to isolate the cause(s), you're trying to provide your own food.

also a great option if having even one nibble is a big deal.

I personally find it annoying when people say they have allergies that they don't have. If you are going to take your own food, just be honest and polite about it. Don't lie to your friends -- it's tacky and annoying.

You also might want to check at the places the parties are being held and find out the rules for bringing in outside food. This may not *just* be about manners.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Feed her before the party, then she won't want the food there. BUT, maybe let her have a little cake. The cake is kinda important to the birthday child. Even if you "help" her eat it. (eat most of it yourself)

Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

I think your own reasons for not wanting her to eat that food are extremely valid and important. If you prefer to bring some of her own food in, I think you should. It's family. She's two. Other than letting her have cake (even if you sneak it away from her after a few bites) I think not letting her have the party food is fine. It's harder to do in a few years, so you might as well take control now while you still can. I really wish I had paid more attention to nutrition when my daugter was little. I made some terrible choices back then.


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## Catherine12 (May 15, 2006)

I think it's not rude to bring your own food to a restaurant-based party if you have a good reason (and it sounds like you do), but it would be ruder if the party were at someone's home with home-cooked food.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I think it's pretty much OK for a toddler-- everyone knows that toddlers can be picky, and that a hungry toddler is to be avoided out in public. For an older child, it's more polite to find some other way to deal with it.


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## dauphinette (Nov 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
We always pre-feed the kids in questionable situations, then let them graze the 'bad' food - they never eat much. You may have different struggles with this food issue as you DC gets older and has all kinds of thoughts about fitting in, or being different, or wanting to get at the 'yummy' stuff that other kids are eating. I've learned to choose my battles - it really gets tedious to micromanage this stuff when they start developing a will. Having said that, my kids hate cake, icing, soda, most candies simply *because* of how we eat at home. I never disallow them this stuff at parties - they just can't stand the stuff and find it tastes too sweet, or funny, or whatever.

I say totally pre-feeding is the way to go.
But I would let her have a little bit of the following at McD:
fries
apple slices sans dip

About the party with the pizza maybe you could ask the mom if you could bring a veggie tray/fruit tray for the party to enjoy?


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

2-year-olds can be extremely picky. I pretty much always have snacks for DD in my purse (banana, crackers, raisins, etc.), and she doesn't have any food issues at all. I don't think anyone would think it was weird if you happened to have your own food for such a little kid, but I would probably make an effort to also order something for her (as someone else mentioned, plain apple slices or something).


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## mrsdocmartin (Nov 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.


Just because it isn't a life threatening allergy doesn't mean it isn't an allergy. I struggle with this all of the time as I am allergive to dairy, gluten and eggs and "just" get a migraine from these foods. People think that because it won't kill me that I'm being a drama queen or whatever. Saying "she has food allergies" is common because food allergies are common.

Also, does anyone else think it is frustrating when people choose to have a toddler's birthday party at these restaurants that serve nothing but horribly unhealthy food? Allergies aside, when I invite small children to my home, or on an outing, I try to feed them at least moderately healthy foods. I can see a school age child choosing a place like McD's or ChuckECheese, but a two year old???

And to answer your question, I would definitely feed your daughter before you go and bring along some of her favorite snacks, with extras in case another child wants to try it. Who knows, maybe another mom will get a new healthy food idea to try at home. GL! It isn't rude to put your child's health first. More parents should.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

If you're going to do it, first check with the establishment. I'm pretty sure you are not allowed to bring anything into CEC, except the cake. You don't want to get the hostess in trouble by breaking the rules.

Second, if you're bringing in food, let the mom know. I once invited someone over, and they brought food for their kids because they "didn't know if we'd have something they could eat." It really irked me because I'd prepared food counting on their children eating. Plus, I did have stuff they could eat because I knew their dietary restrictions. I'm very aware of others' diets, and if not, I ask when I invite someone over. So, yeah, I was miffed that they just brought extra food without saying anything.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

I don't think it's rude at all. If someone brought food to my party, saying their kid had an intolerance to something that was being served, it's not a big deal. I can't help but think, we're all adults, is it really worth getting upset over? Why not just smile and enjoy the kid's birthday? Not something that would even cross my radar. It can save money, especially if you let someone know ahead of time. My daughter younger daughter doesn't do so well with cow's milk or gluten. All our friends are aware of this and no one bats an eye when I bring different food for her. Honestly IME most kids are so wrapped up with the party no one even notices that she might have a different piece of cake or a homemade pizza. I do try to bring food that's similar or a GF/DF version of whatever is being served at the party, just in case another kid wants what my daughter has. So far, no problem though.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

I don't necessarily think it is rude with one caveat. Be very VERY careful to be non-judgemental about why you are bringing in your own food.

I don't care in the least what other people do when it comes to food for their kids-it is not my place to lecture them, just as I hope they know it is not their place to lecture me. While I certainly have strenuous objections to certain kinds of food, a party for a child is not the place to get all high and mighty ya know?

I am not saying you will do this, only that I have seen glaringly obvious examples of Moms who feel the food is beneath their precious kid and it is really insulting to the host/hostess.

I would simply say, "my dd is very picky so I brought stuff I know she'll eat," and I also would feed her before hand.


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
We went to a party saturday at Chuckie Cheese. They actually had a pretty well stocked salad bar. We have a milk allergy so i just purchased the salad separate from the party. In the past i have always taken food to parties for my ds with the allergy. *No one has ever batted an eye. i am guessing they would prefer you to be there and bring your on food than not go at all.

i say go take your own food and have a good time.*

I agree.

I ask if I can bring a dish or a a veggie tray for the party, usually at my DH's family potlucks I bring the only healthy dish served







it is usually the first to go too









I would rather you come, than stay home because of the food served if it was me


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom* 
I'm pretty sure you are not allowed to bring anything into CEC, except the cake. You don't want to get the hostess in trouble by breaking the rules.

I've brought tons of extra food into CEC including my own pop, apples, chicken, and homemade cake w/o any issues. I've done it both concealing and not concealing it. Honestly from what I've found most CEC aren't organized enough to even notice and if they are, no one gets in trouble, especially if you already bought food from the establishment as well or are part of a group that has. You only have a "hostess" if you buy a party too (most parties come with a cake, pizza, and certain amount of tokens included in the price). A lot of people just show up with a group since it's free to get in and there are no reservations unless you are paying for a party. There aren't enough staff to really "keep an eye" on the situation, and I've never, ever heard of one getting in trouble for "allowing" anything. Seems like that's something that manager would handle anyway.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

Just because it's not an anaphylactic reaction doesn't mean you can't still be allergic. There are various degrees, and yeah, nearly 10% of the population has some sort of food allergy. I'm allergic to coconut, but it's not life-threatening. I'd be really ticked if someone felt I should eat a German Chocolate Cake because I would only be uncomfortable with hives and wheezing, not dead, if I eat it. And yes, I say, "I'm allergic to coconut." Even non-life threatening allergies deserve to be taken seriously.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I don't think it's rude either, but I agree that you should alert the hostess in advance. She's paying for this, so it's important to let her know.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

A toddler with food sensitivities? I can't believe anyone would think twice about mom bringing snacks for her. It's FINE!


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

Ds has food allergies, but even if he didnt, I wouldnt want him to eat that junk.

I would bring my own, but something similar - like a handmade pizza for the pizza party, and a veggie burger for the other place. So it doesnt stand out too much from what the other kids are eating, and they are still eating 'the same thing'


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

I can't believe anyone would think it was rude to bring food that would prevent a toddler from getting sick. It's not a 2yo's responsibility to feel terrible/crazy the rest of the day just to not upset the hostess. I really don't think other kids are going to notice one kid eating stuff from home, either. I would let the hostess know ahead of time in case it would save her money to not provide for the kid.

When I host I try to be sure to have good vegan choices, and some gluten-free as well, because I know plenty of my friends and their kids can't have eggs or dairy or have sensitivities. We avoid having anything with nuts or fish out as well, b/c of a couple kids. I wouldn't be offended if someone brought their own food, although a head's up would be nice if I was depending on numbers or if they were the one group I was making vegan/GF stuff for.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I don't think it's rude. I'm on a strict diet & I usually find out ahead of time whether the restaurant can accomodate me, and if they can't, I bring my own food. And if all they can "accomodate" me with is a tiny salad or something, I eat beforehand to fill up and have the salad to be polite. For a kid, I would try to mimic whatever food the other guests will have -- so bring your own "safe" pizza to the pizza party, suitable burger to McD's, etc. to make it less obvious & maybe easier on your DD. I would also call the host and let them know that your DD won't be needing a meal.


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

Whats your definition of 'real allergies'?
ds gets an awful rash if he eats/contacts a whole bunch of things (some food and some not), and he has more unusual ones like vinegar (we cant clean with it and he cant eat it), and more common ones like oats and diary. If he eats one tiny bite of something, he is miserable for weeks.
And when he has a reaction his liver function goes down and his immune system goes down. He gets tested for his alleriges every 2 weeks beacuse of this. He is also on a strict diet, and we have to buy special cleaning supplies, lotions, soaps and laundry soaps.

Does that count as allergies to you????


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

One more quick comment -- parties at places like CEC are so chaotic that I doubt anyone would even notice if the OP's daughter was eating something other than pizza, least of all the birthday kid's parents. At the parties I've been to there, I can barely catch my breath between all the shouting to be heard over the noise, the hurry-up-and-play-now-hurry-up-and-eat-now-hurry-up-and-sing stuff, and the running around.


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## amandaleigh37 (Jul 13, 2006)

No it's not rude, but do let the hosting parent know so they don't pre-pay for a meal for your daughter. A party at McD's probably won't last long, so why not just feed her before you go, and bring along a snack/treat if she wants something while the other kids are eating.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

it isn't rude at all. the food at those places is yucky. and loaded with gluten and HFCS. i would call it a food allergy and bring your own stuff. ds#2 had a friend with food issues and his mom always brought along food for him. never once did i think it was rude. honestly i would think it was rude if people got upset about what you needed to do for your family.

good luck!

h


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelpie545* 
I've brought tons of extra food into CEC including my own pop, apples, chicken, and homemade cake w/o any issues. I've done it both concealing and not concealing it. Honestly from what I've found most CEC aren't organized enough to even notice and if they are, no one gets in trouble, especially if you already bought food from the establishment as well or are part of a group that has. You only have a "hostess" if you buy a party too (most parties come with a cake, pizza, and certain amount of tokens included in the price). A lot of people just show up with a group since it's free to get in and there are no reservations unless you are paying for a party. There aren't enough staff to really "keep an eye" on the situation, and I've never, ever heard of one getting in trouble for "allowing" anything. Seems like that's something that manager would handle anyway.

We've only been to CEC once, but they didn't allow large bags or asked to check them because they had a "no outside food" policy. They were very organized about the process of getting in and out, so I assumed that was the franchise's standard. We've never been to a party at one - just went once because DS wanted to see what it was like to go. (And I didn't mean hostess, as in employee, but the mom who put together the party.) In general, my point was that if you're going to do it, the courteous thing to do is check the policy at the party location and let the mom planning the party know.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

I think this is all about how you frame it. Framing it as: "We're on this specific diet due to some food sensitivities we're trying to isolate: is it okay if we bring DD her own food?" is polite and fine.

Framing it as "HFCS is terrible and we don't eat it and you are terrible for having a party at a place I disapprove of" is rude.

Food is a sensitive topic. Just look at the feathers getting ruffled in this thread!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Just because it's not an anaphylactic reaction doesn't mean you can't still be allergic. .

But, THIS child isn't allergic. Her mom wants to make better choices, and avoid the whole behavior after the fact. I think lying about a medical issue minimizes the problems of those people who really have that medical issue.

(I know the OP never said she was going to lie about an allergy...I am just saying this in general)


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

not really sure why people are even thinking it is rude or would find it rude if someone brought food to their house. how about if the tables were turned and it was your child? everyone needs to do what is best for their children. you don't need to be rude, or lie, BUT you don't need to feel bad for not feeding her crap food.
i have friends with many different food issues and things they do and don't want their kids to eat, so either i make stuff for everyone or they bring their own and never once have i felt bad or that it was rude or put out. even when it was my own home cooking. i want everyone to have a good time and i want the kids to go home feeling good afterwards, not feeling bad for days after. that in my opinion is the ultimate in rudeness, getting offended over someone trying to take care of their kids. sheesh.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
But, THIS child isn't allergic. Her mom wants to make better choices, and avoid the whole behavior after the fact. I think lying about a medical issue minimizes the problems of those people who really have that medical issue.

(I know the OP never said she was going to lie about an allergy...I am just saying this in general)

but see there is a food issue here if after eating that food the child feels bad. just because she doesn't need to be rushed to the ER doesn't mean it isn't a good idea to avoid those foods. and to think that she should just suck it up and deal with the behaviors after is rude. why would anyone want a child to suffer for CEC and McD'd food?
the OP should just tell the person that her dd can't eat those foods and bring her own. anyone who gets upset by it is just not really informed. i mean really.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
I think this is all about how you frame it. Framing it as: "We're on this specific diet due to some food sensitivities we're trying to isolate: is it okay if we bring DD her own food?" is polite and fine.

I agree, however, most restaurants will not allow outside food. I'm sure they wont notice at McD's, but you may want to check about the other one.

A two year old is definitely young enough that I would not consider it rude to avoid feeding them party foods. Maybe there are some healthy options, like someone previously posted, a salad bar or something.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
But, THIS child isn't allergic. Her mom wants to make better choices, and avoid the whole behavior after the fact. I think lying about a medical issue minimizes the problems of those people who really have that medical issue.

(I know the OP never said she was going to lie about an allergy...I am just saying this in general)

Most people don't have a clue about the differences between INTOLERANCE and ALLERGY. It's just easier to say "allergy" because that's easily understood. The OP isn't lying... she's dumbing it down so that people understand... "if my child eats this food, there are consequences". If someone is holding a party at McDonald's they are most likely not thinking about the quality of the food or its impact on people.









Besides... a parent should never have to feed something to their child that will make the child miserable just for the sake of propriety. (And we are very keen on social manners, so I don't take these things lightly when I say that.)


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
But, THIS child isn't allergic. Her mom wants to make better choices, and avoid the whole behavior after the fact. I think lying about a medical issue minimizes the problems of those people who really have that medical issue.

I don't know, the behavioral issues sound like they could be allergy-related to me. I guess everyone has different definitions of 'allergy' and some are more lax. Would 'food intolerances' be better? (I actually struggle with this concept because I have some suspected bad intolerances with symptoms that are worse than some of my actual food allergies... even though the allergies cause little poison-ivy like bubbles to form around & inside my mouth/throat... they aren't life-threatening but they're still allergies & the intolerances can be worse than that for me)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
Framing it as "HFCS is terrible and we don't eat it and you are terrible for having a party at a place I disapprove of" is rude.

Do people really say stuff like that? Or is it implied in how they say things? I am kind of feeling paranoid now... I had no idea so many people thought it's rude to bring your own food, I've done this so many times & I never meant any rudeness or disrespect. At various times I've just said I had allergies or I'm vegan or whatever truthfully applies to the situation. I hope no one thought I was being rude or saying they were terrible for having junk food...

I'm also curious on policies like "no outside food" -- I've always wondered what you do if you get caught. I often bring something with me (even places where it's not allowed & they search your bags -- I usually put things in my coat pocket or disguised somehow) but never got caught. I feel like a fugitive!! However these places do not offer anything that suits my diet, and I have hypoglycemia so I can't just not eat for a few hours. I don't understand the no outside food policies in situations like this (though I understand if people are bringing their own chips/soda/candy to save money & the establishment doesn't want to lose out on the $$)

I guess I'm getting OT a bit...

OP, this is a great thread, very interesting to hear the different responses!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I doubt anyone would notice, at least at CEC. Though, in your situation I would probably feed the LO before heading out, and then find something appropriate from the salad bar if need be.

(now, I do let my kids eat at CEC and McDonald's - b/c I'm of the opinion that doing so occasionally is not any kind of big deal... but they aren't intolerant/allergic.)


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I've hosted parties where most of the kids were intolerant to one thing or another, or vegan. I worked hard to make sure everyone had some fun food they could eat. BUT one friend said not to worry about abything but the cake, and she brought her ds's own food. It made things a bit easier as far as finding and preparing food, and I appreciated it. (though I totally didn't mind accomodating him either).

I don't think it's rude at all to bring a few snacks if you have a special diet. But you should mention it to the mom ahead of time, and don't diss the food she's serving! Make sure it's about your dd's sensitivities, and not about how bad hfcs is!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WindyCityMom* 
DD doesn't have any food allergies, per-se. She was sensitive to gluten as a baby and now it gives her behavioral issues, we suspect. Currently we're making a highly concerted effort to 100% eliminate artifical colors and HFCS because they make her fly off the handle. We've also eliminate nearly all processed foods from her diet. She is making a positive change










Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
But, THIS child isn't allergic. Her mom wants to make better choices, and avoid the whole behavior after the fact.

But it seems to me that if her dd "flies off the handle" after eating atificial colors, that she does indeed have an intolerance to those. Ime, most kids don't have dramatic behavior changes after eating specific foods unless they are very sensitive to them.
I agree with you though, that it shouldn't be called an allergy if it's not. I'd say dc is sensitive or intolerant, if it were me.
I do think that a lot of intolerances that aren't "real" allergies can be pretty severe. But that's neither here nor there


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

YES, but, if you read what I said, I agreed with not feeding the little girl the crap at the party. I just don't think it's right to call it an allergy. I also agreed that she was making the right choice by feeding her healthy foods while she still has control.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
I think this is all about how you frame it. Framing it as: "We're on this specific diet due to some food sensitivities we're trying to isolate: is it okay if we bring DD her own food?" is polite and fine.

Framing it as "HFCS is terrible and we don't eat it and you are terrible for having a party at a place I disapprove of" is rude.

Food is a sensitive topic. Just look at the feathers getting ruffled in this thread!









pretty much what I was going to say.

If you explain that you're eliminating XXX from your DD's diet because you've noticed XXX reaction when she eats it than I can't see how a reasonable person would be offended by you bringing food for her.

Of course if you imply that the food the host provides is nasty and unhealthy and not good enough for your kid then it's very rude and people will be offended.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Closed pending review. I'll get it back open as soon as I can.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Reopening.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
If I were you, w/ a 2yo who has displayed what I felt were food intolerances, I just wouldn't go. The only reason I went when dd was 2 was because it was family, if it wasn't I wouldn't have gone, no question.

This. I think it would be hard for a 2 year old not to share in the cake eating part. If you wouldn't be serving your dd cake, do you think she will be upset? You know your dd best - mine would cry, but maybe yours is used to not eating what others eat.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

I have a mom in my group who is trying to eliminate gluten from her child's diet, she is seeing remarkable changes in her behaviour.

I think I'd try to 1. Feed my LO before going. Someone mentioned that LO often don't eat at parties because they're so excited, so I think this is a really good idea.

2. Bring some snacks, if people at the door give you a hard time, just say that your child has a gluten sensitivity, hopefully they'll be reasonable.

3. Explain to your host, maybe asking if you can bring something. Just be frank and honest, maybe use some examples of how it alters her behaviour.

4. Expect for your LO to want to at least have some cake, they're yummy, they're pretty and the rest of the kids will be having some, so prepare for that in some way.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
Also, does anyone else think it is frustrating when people choose to have a toddler's birthday party at these restaurants that serve nothing but horribly unhealthy food? Allergies aside, when I invite small children to my home, or on an outing, I try to feed them at least moderately healthy foods. I can see a school age child choosing a place like McD's or ChuckECheese, but a two year old???

I happen to think I am a pretty good parent and I chose to have my son's 2nd b-day at CEC. It was his FAVORITE place on earth at that age, I was 9 months pregnant and needed a place that we could just pop in a have an impromptu b-day party with minimal fuss and planning. We met a few friends there on a weeknight, had pizza, cake, salad and the kids had an absolute blast.

There are some of us on MDC that are ok with our kids having junk food occasionally. And really, what is so bad about pizza and salad? CEC actually has a great, very healthy salad bar.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I don't think it's rude at all, especially if you have allergies. My daughter attended a Jewish day care although we were not Jewish. The day care kept kosher - dairy and meat separate - as did severa, but by no means the majority, of families. It was very common at b-day parties for certain families to bring their own food - some for religious reasons and some for allergies. I don't think it's a big deal at all.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I think bringing it without a heads up to the host will probably be perceived as rude.

I might also frame it as "My kid has problems with <insert ingredients here>. Do you know if there will be veggie/fruit/blah choices or should I bring my own? I didn't want to offend you, it's no problem bringing our own stuff, we are used to it, but I wanted to let you know so it wasn't a suprise!"

As people get to know your family and you stay in touch, I think you will find good party throwers tend to think proactively if they know your family has an allergy/sensitivity.







One of DD's classmates is GF and dairy free. As it happens I too had to go GF for awhile last year (part of an elimination diet thing), so I knew of an AWESOME source that has beautiful, scrumptious, gluten and dairy free cupcakes (with fluffy icing!). So after I sent out the invitations I also sent out an ingredient list for the cupcakes to classmate's mom. If there was something in there that she couldn't have or if she prefered to bring her own food it was cool (because I wouldn't have a problem eating those cupcakes, actually my kids/hubby wouldn't either because they are great and not gross or weird tasting like a lot of GF "replacement" stuff, at least IMO). Classmate and mom were thrilled, I didn't realize that mom was also sensitive to gluten, so even mom got to have a treat at the party (I bought a pack of two) which she doesn't normally, and she has a new brand that is safe.









So my vote would be to communicate with your host and give her a chance to take care of you. Lots of people don't mind and enjoy going the extra mile for guests, or won't mind at all if you bring your own stuff with a heads up.

Also, please don't judge people who hold parties at Mickey Dees or whereever. Depending on the area you are in, these may be the only indoor venue they can afford, because most of the time they are free or extremely low cost, have ample parking, and are in a somewhat centralized location. Not everyone can afford to rent a community center room or a more upscale venue, not everyone can accomodate people at their house. So I would really caution against stereotyping what the parents are like based on where they hold the party. Because they have it at CEC or McD doesn't mean that they don't give a rip about nutrition--it might just mean that they want to invite all their friends but can't do a house party, and the food/place is within their expense range or they know it will entertain the kids easily, and they're doing the best they can. If it offends your sensibilities to the point where you're going to look down on the hosting parents or families, it's probably kinder to just not go, KWIM?


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Also, please don't judge people who hold parties at Mickey Dees or whereever. Depending on the area you are in, these may be the only indoor venue they can afford, because most of the time they are free or extremely low cost, have ample parking, and are in a somewhat centralized location. Not everyone can afford to rent a community center room or a more upscale venue, not everyone can accomodate people at their house. So I would really caution against stereotyping what the parents are like based on where they hold the party. Because they have it at CEC or McD doesn't mean that they don't give a rip about nutrition--it might just mean that they want to invite all their friends but can't do a house party, and the food/place is within their expense range or they know it will entertain the kids easily, and they're doing the best they can. If it offends your sensibilities to the point where you're going to look down on the hosting parents or families, it's probably kinder to just not go, KWIM?

























I agree with all of this completely! It isn't always an issue of money either - sometimes it is convenience (as in my case). Also, even the really expensive places to have parties (Pump it Up as an example) also serves soda and pizza, the same stuff you will get at CEC.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I think bringing it without a heads up to the host will probably be perceived as rude.

I might also frame it as "My kid has problems with <insert ingredients here>. Do you know if there will be veggie/fruit/blah choices or should I bring my own? I didn't want to offend you, it's no problem bringing our own stuff, we are used to it, but I wanted to let you know so it wasn't a suprise!"

As people get to know your family and you stay in touch, I think you will find good party throwers tend to think proactively if they know your family has an allergy/sensitivity.







One of DD's classmates is GF and dairy free. As it happens I too had to go GF for awhile last year (part of an elimination diet thing), so I knew of an AWESOME source that has beautiful, scrumptious, gluten and dairy free cupcakes (with fluffy icing!). So after I sent out the invitations I also sent out an ingredient list for the cupcakes to classmate's mom. If there was something in there that she couldn't have or if she prefered to bring her own food it was cool (because I wouldn't have a problem eating those cupcakes, actually my kids/hubby wouldn't either because they are great and not gross or weird tasting like a lot of GF "replacement" stuff, at least IMO). Classmate and mom were thrilled, I didn't realize that mom was also sensitive to gluten, so even mom got to have a treat at the party (I bought a pack of two) which she doesn't normally, and she has a new brand that is safe.









So my vote would be to communicate with your host and give her a chance to take care of you. Lots of people don't mind and enjoy going the extra mile for guests, or won't mind at all if you bring your own stuff with a heads up.

Also, please don't judge people who hold parties at Mickey Dees or whereever. Depending on the area you are in, these may be the only indoor venue they can afford, because most of the time they are free or extremely low cost, have ample parking, and are in a somewhat centralized location. Not everyone can afford to rent a community center room or a more upscale venue, not everyone can accomodate people at their house. So I would really caution against stereotyping what the parents are like based on where they hold the party. Because they have it at CEC or McD doesn't mean that they don't give a rip about nutrition--it might just mean that they want to invite all their friends but can't do a house party, and the food/place is within their expense range or they know it will entertain the kids easily, and they're doing the best they can. If it offends your sensibilities to the point where you're going to look down on the hosting parents or families, it's probably kinder to just not go, KWIM?









:

Tigerchild, as usual, is a voice of reason and wisdom.

OP, I think the suggestion Tigerchild made as to how to phrase things is perfect. Now, hope you and your DD enjoy the party!


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## mrsdocmartin (Nov 16, 2006)

I didn't mean to offend anyone or to seem like I was looking down on anyone. It may be that I have dietary issues myself, or that I am the odd one out when it comes to not feeding my child large amounts of junk in our families/community, but I do feel like if it is "once in awhile it's fine to have junk", that turns into every single time it is someone's birthday it is equated with junk food, kwim? I guess I feel like these early years are the most important time to instill good habits when it comes to food and that is so hard to do when every time I turn around we are invited to a party where the only options are unhealthy ones I don't want my son eating, and can't eat myself. I don't think any of these parents are bad parents because of this, and I'm really sorry if that is how it came across. Sorry to hijack the thread.


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Thank you all!









It's not a ChuckECheese, it is at a place similar (um.. don't know if anyone remembers the indoor roller coaster place I had posted about in a previous thread of mine about a month ago! That's a story in itself and I've decided to let her ride the coasters







just not alone







).

I looked at the website for the CEC like place and they have salads!









As for the McD's party, I might just bring a small container of fruit for her or something.. she might not even eat THAT. I usually do have some snack in the diaper bag for her (don't most moms?) and I may order the apple dippers minus the dip for her









That said.. she is finicky around people. She likely won't even have any desire to play in the play place at McDs. Fortunately this mom has two children with SPD and we have discussed additives before and she said that she would love to eliminate all of it but in her opinion it's "hard to find" and "too expensive", but she had congratulated me for attempting. I have a feeling she kind of thinks of me as the mom who doesn't let her kid have _anything_ because I'm always eliminating something from her diet, and she's really the only mom I can talk to about it because the rest of the family thinks that food intolerances and SPD and behavioral issues are all "made up excuses for bad parenting" or something along those lines. She "gets it" to a certain extent.

Thanks everyone for your replies. DD is sick with a pretty bad cold right now, so she might even miss the first party (not McDs) which is on Friday.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

mrsdocmartin, I'm with you, I don't want my DS eating "junk" at all... I mean of course we have our own version of "junk food" at home that IMO is healthier etc. but I wouldn't feel comfortable letting him eat regular cake & pizza at a CEC party. I don't look down on anyone that does & I certainly don't expect anyone to accomodate our unusual dietary choices... but I do wish that more people ate similarly to us just for the simple reason of feeling less alone, not always being the odd one out or the weirdo that brings their own food. I also don't understand why anyone feels the need to decide what my DS should eat (you know, the well-meaning but slightly annoying ones who say, "oh he HAS to have a piece of cake, it's not fair to deprive him of it," etc. I feel like everyone should have the freedom to choose how to feed their kids and not feel guilty/rude/etc. if their way is less mainstream.


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
I didn't mean to offend anyone or to seem like I was looking down on anyone. It may be that I have dietary issues myself, or that I am the odd one out when it comes to not feeding my child large amounts of junk in our families/community, but I do feel like if it is "once in awhile it's fine to have junk", that turns into every single time it is someone's birthday it is equated with junk food, kwim? *I guess I feel like these early years are the most important time to instill good habits when it comes to food and that is so hard to do when every time I turn around we are invited to a party where the only options are unhealthy ones I don't want my son eating, and can't eat myself*. I don't think any of these parents are bad parents because of this, and I'm really sorry if that is how it came across. Sorry to hijack the thread.

No worries, mama. I agree with this, mainly the bolded part. It IS tough. If DD didn't have the sensitivities that she does, I'd be trying to sail a different ship







I honestly wouldn't know what to do in that case- and would likely not go (unless the venue offered something that were healthier or I could prefeed etc.)








Thanks again everyone


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karika* 
In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality.

snipped

If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do.


Really? You consider a parent's choice of venue for a party "rude?" "out of touch with reality." See I think it's pretty in-touch with reality, in that an awful lot of people have parties at places like CEC and McDs for all of the reasons pointed out.

FTR - I consider myself a very mainstream person who enjoys the company of lots people to my left and to my right.

Peace and harmony.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellien C* 
Really? You consider a parent's choice of venue for a party "rude?" "out of touch with reality." See I think it's pretty in-touch with reality, in that an awful lot of people have parties at places like CEC and McDs for all of the reasons pointed out.

FTR - I consider myself a very mainstream person who enjoys the company of lots people to my left and to my right.

Peace and harmony.


















Well said.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
I think this is all about how you frame it. Framing it as: "We're on this specific diet due to some food sensitivities we're trying to isolate: is it okay if we bring DD her own food?" is polite and fine.

Framing it as "HFCS is terrible and we don't eat it and you are terrible for having a party at a place I disapprove of" is rude.

Food is a sensitive topic. Just look at the feathers getting ruffled in this thread!

Yes, very good advice. I think bringing your own food because you think CEC food is crap is kind of rude. I TOTALLY agree that CEC food is crap...but I also don't mind letting my kids cut loose once in a while. I have strong opinions about food too...but I'm just not gonna bring veggie sticks for DS when everybody else is eating cardboard pizza. I'm just not. (But I would if he were allergic.) I think you should definitely frame it in terms of "We're trying to isolate some food sensitivites..." Very good advice.


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## possum (Nov 23, 2004)

In addition to our *weird* food preferences, my son and I are GF and were GFCF for a long time. We take food almost everywhere we go.
I usually try to prefeed him too. Everyone we associate with knows about our food issues, so people usually let me know what they will be serving ahead of time so that I can plan accordingly.

I don't think it's rude AT ALL to take food to accommodate you child's (or your) needs, but I do think it is generally polite to give the host(ess) a heads up about why you have different food and to be sure to partake of anything that you can of what they provide and ohh and ahh over it - especially if they prepared it with your needs in mind.

Melinda


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

If there is no medical (allergy), vegitarian, or religious reason to I think it is in appropraite.

We must accept sometimes our kids will eat crap foods. Birthdays are one of those times.

Parental obession can cause Orthorexia Nervosa.

Being healthy and eating heathly does mean keeping a balance. If you are worried about sugar buzzes, then fill your kid up befor hand. Let him know why.

Remember, everything in moderation.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
I didn't mean to offend anyone or to seem like I was looking down on anyone. It may be that I have dietary issues myself, or that I am the odd one out when it comes to not feeding my child large amounts of junk in our families/community, but I do feel like if it is "once in awhile it's fine to have junk", that turns into every single time it is someone's birthday it is equated with junk food, kwim? I guess I feel like these early years are the most important time to instill good habits when it comes to food and that is so hard to do when every time I turn around we are invited to a party where the only options are unhealthy ones I don't want my son eating, and can't eat myself. I don't think any of these parents are bad parents because of this, and I'm really sorry if that is how it came across. Sorry to hijack the thread.

I think that part of the learning process is to be able to navigate the territory. Complete abstinence from junk food may work when you're there, but IME, it's the kids with a lot of restrictions who are the ones completely pigging out on the crap when parents aren't around (especially if it's sugar and processed stuff). As I alluded to above, I don't disallow my kids the food at parties - in fact, I keep pretty mum. Based upon their taste preferences, they just actually don't *like* the stuff, but they've definitely sampled it without me hovering and lecturing about how terrible it was ( = forbidden fruit).

Then again, I was never a big believer in abstinence.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
If there is no medical (allergy), vegitarian, or religious reason to I think it is in appropraite.

We must accept sometimes our kids will eat crap foods. Birthdays are one of those times.

Parental obession can cause Orthorexia Nervosa.

Being healthy and eating heathly does mean keeping a balance. If you are worried about sugar buzzes, then fill your kid up befor hand. Let him know why.

Remember, everything in moderation.

I agree with this. If there's a religious dietary issue, or an allergy, or someone is vegetarian or vegan, and there won't be stuff for them, then it's fine. Otherwise, yes I think it's rude.

I don't think it's healthy to control every bit of food that enters your kids' mouths. I think the controlling aspect of that is less healthy than the food. A party here and there at CEC isn't that big a deal.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Most people don't have a clue about the differences between INTOLERANCE and ALLERGY. It's just easier to say "allergy" because that's easily understood. The OP isn't lying... she's dumbing it down so that people understand... .)

The problem with this is that allergies, intolerances, and even preferences disguised as such then get all lumped together in the minds of some. Then people like my little sister, who has a life threatening shellfish allergy, has to worry if people take her seriously. The word allergy is overused and it is losing it's very important meaning. I'm NOT saying that food intolerances are not important.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
YES, but, if you read what I said, I agreed with not feeding the little girl the crap at the party. I just don't think it's right to call it an allergy. I also agreed that she was making the right choice by feeding her healthy foods while she still has control.

I agree. Parents have the right to feed their children whatever they see fit. I don't think it's rude at all to bring food to a party or function. I also think the parent can just be pretty honest if any explanation is needed, "she reacts to certain foods". Simple







.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamabutterfly* 
This. I think it would be hard for a 2 year old not to share in the cake eating part. If you wouldn't be serving your dd cake, do you think she will be upset? You know your dd best - mine would cry, but maybe yours is used to not eating what others eat.

Honestly, when children have food allergies, they adapt very quickly. My dd's allergies are extensive and very severe. She does not eat anything that we have not prepared ourselves at home (even if we could find something at a restaurant that she could eat, the risk of cross-contamination is too high). We go to restaurants and parties all the time, and she's never cried or been upset about what she can't eat. Even as a toddler, she knows that many foods could make her seriously ill. She sometimes expresses the desire to--"I wish I could eat crackers like that"--but in a very matter-of-fact way.

That said, when we eat out, we do go out of our way to prepare something yummy for her so that the event is still "special." We have a fool-proof allergen-free cupcake recipe, for instance. Perhaps because my dd has so many food allergies, I don't go crazy with making sure she doesn't have any junk at all. We don't typically buy stuff with food dyes, for example, but I'm not going to sweat it if she has the Jell-o they serve at school now and then, as it's pretty much the only school treat she can eat. There's so much she can't participate in, and her eating is already so "different"--I want her to experience some of the joy that a good junky piece of cake can bring, yk?


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## greenmansions (Feb 16, 2005)

I would bring food for DD. I would not bother to announce it to the mom hosting the birthday party - I mean really, how much pizza does a 2 year old eat? One square maybe? If there are a bunch of other adults eating, that is a drop in the bucket. Also people understand that little kids are picky and won't eat just anything that is put in front of them.

I agree with not even bothering to bring up allergies because most people just roll their eyes at that. On the off chance that anyone asked or commented on what she was eating, I'd just say 'Oh she's such a picky eater that I brought a few things for her just in case" and leave it at that.

And if the party were not a family affair, I'd probably skip it. I have done that a few times. (I'm with the pp who said that having a party at Mc D's or CEC is what is appalling, not you not going or not eating the food there.) I also have no qualms about calling in sick the morning of the party saying oh DD threw up a little this morning and we think we should stay home just in case. But I am kind of "bad" that way... I like to control what my kids are exposed to for as long as I can get away with it.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Generally I would think it was rude. Especially if you were just being a food snob (and we are vegan but generally wouldn't have eaten chuck e cheese under any circumstance, worst pizza ever and they have a spokes rat...really?! mcds on the other hand I still crave from time to time....but now there is nothing on their menu I can eat. However as my kids are older we would just skip these parties. So as not to be rude about the food) So yeah I am kinda a food snob but totally relax it at parties and stuff. especially for my kids..

BUT

your dd clearly has real issues with certain foods. You really have little choice. And I would still consider your dd a baby and it is always always fine to bring food for a baby to a resteraunt. I do not think prefeeding a toddler will really be enough. she is likely to want food there. She is a baby. they always want to try out what other people are eating unless they have something similar.

So I would alert the hostess of your childs food issues and why you will be bringing your own food. I would try to bring something similar to what the other kids are eating (a pizza or burger) or see if there is an alternate menu item you can purchase for your dd at the resteraunt. but whatever works. I don't see anything wrong with helping your dd participate without messing up what you are trying to do with her diet. And parties at these places are fun. lets face it, no one is really there for the cardboard pizza anyway







they are there for the games and rides and playground....even if you plunked a happy meal down in front of her she would likely not really pay much attention to it past the toy.

also In those environments especially, she may get over stimulated and aggitated. you don't want to add foods in that will crank her up as well. you want her to be able to enjoy the party. and everyone else. I think you hostess would understand this without taking any offense.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenmansions* 
I would bring food for DD. I would not bother to announce it to the mom hosting the birthday party - I mean really, how much pizza does a 2 year old eat?

Many places that host children's parties allow X kids per party, or you can pay per person for anyone above that. If this child is included in the party rate, then yes, the mom should be told, just because it's the polite thing to do.


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## ashleyhaugh (Jun 23, 2005)

my ds is allergic to dairy, which is in everything.... most people we would go to a party with know this. i ask if theyre doing ice cream, so i can bring him his own. i ask about the cake (most everyone i know uses a mix, and some mixes are dairy free, most bakery cakes arent) and what food will be served to see if i need to bring him anything.

the last party we went to, the cupcakes were fine, but the icing wasnt, so she left one un iced for ds. there were fruit and cheese skewers, and she left a few cheeseless. the food had somethings he could eat, and some he couldnt, so i just fed him what he could have


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom* 
Many places that host children's parties allow X kids per party, or you can pay per person for anyone above that. If this child is included in the party rate, then yes, the mom should be told, just because it's the polite thing to do.

With the McD's party, i'm not sure how this works. I'd venture to ask you all but knowing that many moms on MDC don't do McD's... I don't know if anyone would know. Well... okay. Does anyone know?









With the other party, the package is for the pizza and wristbands to ride the rides (looked the food part up with the party packages on the web site). I was speaking to my DH about this, and he told me that the mom said "oh, try and get there around 6 (there was no time written on the invitation) because I only have x amount of wristbands to give out. So I'm guessing, that if there's not enough wristbands for everyone she invited (or for everyone that will 'show up'.. DHs family has that tendency to just show up at a party uninvited), there won't be enough food for everybody. So I don't think that will be an issue there (as far as the hostess purchasing too much food).


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## spottiew (Jan 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Taking your own food is rude. Plus, the other kids may notice and raise a fuss. Pre-feed your daughter, so she won't be hungry and offer her whatever you think is okay at the party.

my son's friends' families always bring their own food to outings and gatherings- that way, they know they have something they like. no one wants the kids to have nothing they can eat or a child who is over-hungry, so we are all used to it. but i guess as a group, it's mostly made up of picky eaters so we just understand one another. if it were me holding the party, i wouldn't think it was rude if people brought their own- i would think it was smart and responsible of them.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Latte Mama* 
The problem with this is that allergies, intolerances, and even preferences disguised as such then get all lumped together in the minds of some. Then people like my little sister, who has a life threatening shellfish allergy, has to worry if people take her seriously. The word allergy is overused and it is losing it's very important meaning. I'm NOT saying that food intolerances are not important.

I agree with you totally... in a perfect world, it would be nice for everyone to be educated enough to know that an intolerance isn't life threatening, but it's equally serious as an allergy. And that an anaphylactic allergy is actually life-threatening. But since that will never be the case as most people don't care unless it affects them directly, a person has to use whatever language will get their point across. For my dd and me, I'd rather people think she could die from her food intolerance and me from my coconut allergy than to not pay the condition any regard.

I disagree that the term "allergy" is losing its important meaning. I think when it's used, people who don't have an allergic person in their life immediately think of "peanut allergy" and "can die just by touching it". If anything, they take it more seriously than it needs to be taken for people with non-ana allergies and intolerance.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
this. my kids never ate much at parties because they are so over excited.

also a great option if having even one nibble is a big deal.

I personally find it annoying when people say they have allergies that they don't have. If you are going to take your own food, just be honest and polite about it. Don't lie to your friends -- it's tacky and annoying.

You also might want to check at the places the parties are being held and find out the rules for bringing in outside food. This may not *just* be about manners.

If her daughter reacts to certain foods she has an allergy or intolerance to them. Period. How is she a liar if she tells the hostess so? I'm sorry you find people with food issues annoying. HAVING food issues is annoying at times too. Especially when you are trying to navigate social events without trying to offend _or_ find yourself reacting to the food. What would need to happen for you to consider her not a liar? Where do you draw the line? Are only severe life threatening peanut allergies _really_ allergies to you? Only 'doctor approved' allergies?


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

OP-

I would tell the hostess and bring your own food. You are going to have to get used to navigating these type of social gatherings for your dd. She is too little to do it herself. It is hard because sometimes people do roll their eyes and don't understand. Who cares. Let them. People do the same thing over many of our other choices too. Extended breastfeeding, co sleeping, homeschooling, etc. It is not going to change my choices. What's even harder is when close family members have intimate gatherings at home and are trying to be supportive, but prepare food that isn't okay for you to have without realizing it and knowing you should question all the ingredients or not eat it. That is hard. I have glutened myself more than once not wanting to be rude. BUT I tell you what if it were my child, no way no how would I let that happen. And I am getting better at navigating these situations as tactfully as possible for myself, which sometimes does include pre eating and snacking on safe items or bringing food if it is a potluck type situation or where bringing more food is okayed as helpful by the hostess and bringing a snack for myself.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I agree with you totally... in a perfect world, it would be nice for everyone to be educated enough to know that an intolerance isn't life threatening, but it's equally serious as an allergy. And that an anaphylactic allergy is actually life-threatening. But since that will never be the case as most people don't care unless it affects them directly, a person has to use whatever language will get their point across. For my dd and me, I'd rather people think she could die from her food intolerance and me from my coconut allergy than to not pay the condition any regard.

I disagree that the term "allergy" is losing its important meaning. I think when it's used, people who don't have an allergic person in their life immediately think of "peanut allergy" and "can die just by touching it". If anything, they take it more seriously than it needs to be taken for people with non-ana allergies and intolerance.

The problem is, using "allergy" language isn't working. As a few people have stated in this thread already, some people just roll their eyes when they hear someone has an allergy, whether real or misstated. I wish everyone DID take it so seriously.

Obviously we disagree but I don't think that intolerances are equal to allergies. One can kill and the other doesn't. I'm sure that people can have some really awful reactions to certain foods. But it doesn't top death.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissRubyandKen* 
If her daughter reacts to certain foods she has an allergy or intolerance to them. Period. How is she a liar if she tells the hostess so? I'm sorry you find people with food issues annoying. HAVING food issues is annoying at times too. Especially when you are trying to navigate social events without trying to offend _or_ find yourself reacting to the food. What would need to happen for you to consider her not a liar? Where do you draw the line? Are only severe life threatening peanut allergies _really_ allergies to you? Only 'doctor approved' allergies?

Because her daughter does not have an allergy and there is a difference. Yes, an intolerance can have an effect that is highly undesirable or maybe just mildly unpleasant. An allergy can mean a rash or it can mean anaphalaxysis. An allergy is a different physiological reaction than an intolorance. The bottom line is that ANY food issue should be respected but let's make sure that those who have a risk of dying from foods are kept alive.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Okay, so basically those of you objecting would have no problem if the OP stated my dd has a food intolerance or food sensitivities? Fine. I get it. I often say I'm allergic to gluten just because I feel it is the simplest, easiest way to explain to people I can't eat gluten when they ask questions. Technically it isn't an allergy. I believe it is Celiac's disease, which would be an intolerance of gluten, an autoimmune disease. I have not been 'doctor approved' for this diagnosis. But if I eat gluten my guts are on fire, among other symptoms. Maybe it isn't Celiac's. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I can't eat gluten without reacting and the more I eat the worse it is. So maybe I should have to have long conversations with people about my personal gut problems instead of just telling them I'm gluten free and I'm allergic to gluten if they ask questions. I generally stick with "I can't eat gluten." But whatever. I highly doubt people would be more understanding or less eye rolling if I said food sensitivity or intolerance. Then you get, "Well just a couple bites of cake, you have to eat the cake, its *just* a sensitivity, it won't kill you, right", type comments.

So its okay if someone is allergic, vegan, vegetarian, religious, but those with food intolerances should just suck it up and eat the food and cake because otherwise they are rude and if it is their child they're depriving them otherwise. Really? Food intolerances are real and valid. Please ask yourself are you being intolerant simply because the person is using the 'wrong' wording or are you being intolerant because you feel food intolerances are less valid reasons and socially unacceptable to not eat particular foods possibly inconveniencing and/or offending someone. When someone says a person should eat a food anyway because it is just an intolerance that feels very disrespectful and disregarding to me.


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karika* 
In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality. I would probably not even go. I have a problem being around other people that are feeding their children what I consider to be poison to the human body. i have zero tolerance for it. there is so much evidence now to support the facts that food colorings cause reactions in all children. HFCS is proven to be bad for the body.... anyway, at 2 it isn't like she would even know there was a party she isn't going to. We are also GFCF and working on SF, for behavioral issues and because I have done the research. It is what is healthiest, IMO. Eating raw as much as possible (but not all, there is benefit to some foods cooked (and I haven't kicked the meat habit yet....) but what is served at Mc is not even qualified as meat IMO. It is from feed lot cows that were very unhappy most likely, and then the bits of meat that used to be unusable due to contamination possibilities are treated with ammonia and made in into patties for fast food and schools. http://www.newser.com/story/77225/da...unch-beef.html In my opinion, it is not food. So I wouldn't feel weird or bad at all about bringing real food for my child anywhere I go. I do in fact, and have for a long time since we were organic before that. To the posters that say a little is okay, once I read the things I have read and decided those things were poison for us, I cannot in good conscience give any to my child. If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do. I did like what one woman said that her children have never been restricted from those foods, and so they don't like the taste of them and refuse them, this may work when my dd is older and wondering about those other foods if the rest of the world is still eating it by then.... but we just started my daughter on the GFCF diet 6 wks ago (all of us girls are on it and feel awesome now) and she would still remember mcd... her dad used to take her there and me long ago when we travelled cross country. But now I know more and so I do things differently. I think the main reason people are still eating at places like that even after the NYT expose is they are afraid of change, and the ads (along with the alpha waves from the tv) have them in a state of half sleep. Or I could be wrong about it all... but anyway for now I would tell anyone that my dd is allergic to gluten, casein, food colors, HFCS, nitrates and nitrites.... and it is my opinion all humans are 'allergic' to these things... in that I do not believe the human body is meant to digest them and the chemicals were never meant to be food....









I totally agree.


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## ShadowMoon (Oct 18, 2006)

Ethically, I would have an issue with DS attending birthday parties at McD's or fast food restaurants. (But that's not the point..







)

DS is vegan so I fully anticipate having to bring food to parties or events that he can eat. I would probably make a vegan version of what might be served and even a few extras if others would like to try it. I, personally, don't think it is rude at all. I've been doing it for myself for years without issue. I would alert the host/ess beforehand just to give them a heads-up.

I would probably skip parties like this anyway. I would not be ok with DS having cheese pizza or some other type animal/chemical laden product "just this one time" because that is not food, (to us), and I don't dismiss my values or ethics just to make others comfortable. No one should have to. When he is old enough to make his own choices, so be it. For now though, we'll be bringing our own food if we choose to go.


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## MammaG (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you're on the right track, OP, bringing a diaper-bag snack and getting apple wedges or salad for your child.

I know this isn't what you asked about, but I agree with pps who suggest maybe not going if you really feel that there won't be anything you can eat at these places (and it seems you don't feel so strongly). For me, I'd worry about the message I'd send to my kids about it sometimes being OK to go to especially McD's. Aside from the obvious problem of not wanting that 'food' in my growing children, I don't want my dollars going there; I won't support their practices in the business or CAFO industries. With the other CEC-like place, I'd worry about other no-nos besides the food (video games, etc).

I agree that sometimes it's OK to let our hair down and just ease up about the things I get up on my soapbox about, but I also don't want to let something slide if I really think it's THAT important. We do sometimes take our kids to places like fairs and fun-houses where they eat far less-than-ideal foods, but in the bigger picture, we choose independant businesses (never chains) and stress the OTHER things that make the trip special...the food is unfortunate but necessary, KWIM? In this case, I'd feel so uncomfortable at either party that I'd send regrets and then plan to do something really fun with the birthday boy/girl later on. It may be the kinder route for the hostess, too, as you run a (small in your case) risk of accidentally seeming to judge her choices for her child.

Sorry to hop onto the de-railed train...it just really got me thinking!

ETA: Re allergies. I have an allergy to some foods. Fresh pineapple, walnuts and strawberries make the skin in my mouth peel and I bleed for a few hours. It's only a topical reaction and it's certainly not life-threatening and I often ignore the resulting pain to enjoy a strawberry or two, but my doctors have always called it an allergy (I forget the name), so I don't see why I shouldn't also call it an allergy when I refuse a salad or a brownie made with walnuts.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I would take our own food, absolutely.

I also think it's odd that some people think it's not okay to use the word "allergy" unless it's anaphylactic, life-threatening, allergies. I'm allergic to mangoes. I break out something fierce, and it usually takes steroids to bring the rash/hives under control. Each time I've been exposed, the reaction has gotten worse and worse. Should I keep eating mangoes, and just hope that this isn't the time the allergy chooses to get bad enough to affect my breathing? Um, no. Allergies are allergies. Some are worse than others. But, all of them are our bodies way of telling us to avoid something.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.

I agree. Everyone should be able to choose the food they/their kids want to eat without owing anyone an explanation. I don't understand why "life-threatening allergy" or "vegan" let me off the hook but "I don't like it" or "I want to eat healthy" or "I have an intolerance" would not. I don't think it's anyone else's business what you/your children eat. Of course be courteous & don't put down someone else's food, and let them know if they need an exact head count, but beyond that, no one owes anyone else an explanation about why they choose not to put something in their bodies. It's no different than choosing to not vax or not take Tylenol for a headache... you have a right to decide what goes into your body & it's not "rude" to refuse a pain-killer or a shot.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Feed her before the party, then she won't want the food there. BUT, maybe let her have a little cake. The cake is kinda important to the birthday child. Even if you "help" her eat it. (eat most of it yourself)

Please don't say it's food allergies. I hear that annoyingly often, and quite honestly, most people roll their eyes because the "she has food allergies" is so common now, that people don't take it seriously. The kids with real food allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

I think your own reasons for not wanting her to eat that food are extremely valid and important. If you prefer to bring some of her own food in, I think you should. It's family. She's two. Other than letting her have cake (even if you sneak it away from her after a few bites) I think not letting her have the party food is fine. It's harder to do in a few years, so you might as well take control now while you still can. I really wish I had paid more attention to nutrition when my daugter was little. I made some terrible choices back then.

I completely disagree. She should not feed her child cake if she has her child on a GF diet. Especially not just because it might be important to the birthday child to see her eating it. Not even because the child might feel she is missing out. If she has her on a GF diet there is a reason. And honestly I think giving a two year old a couple bites of cake and then taking it away would likely cause more distress than not having cake at all. If her daughter has an intolerance to gluten then she will likely need to be on a GF diet throughout her childhood. What precedence would having her eat cake to conform to societal expectations or 'just a few bites once in awhile' set up? Not a good one imo. Especially given food intolerances can affect the immune system.


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## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

Most of my friends have their children on some sort of restrictive diet because of allergies or intolerances and it doesn't bother me in the least when they bring their own cupcake or snack or whatever. *I respect that they are doing the best thing for their child, no matter the reason behind it.*

I find it insulting that some people think if it isn't a true allergy, avoidance of a food just means you are picky. I avoid MANY foods, and it's not because I don't like them. It's because they give me the runs, or indigestion, or bad heartburn. I won't subject myself to pain for days afterwards just to be polite at a party. Sorry. My anus deserves more respect than that.









And some diets, like veganism, ARE choices, but you wouldn't expect a vegan to just eat all the meat and dairy laden dishes just to be polite.







Or I guess some people would, but I'd find that highly disrepectful.

As for the wording of it....yeah I agree you shouldn't use the word "allergy" but "intolerance" works just as well and is more accurate.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

At this point, I have had to remove several posts that cross the line into taking issue with other members.

Rather than berating other members and telling them why you find them morally deficient for holding whatever position it is they hold that you disagree with, please instead focus on arguing the *topic*. Because if this continues, the thread will need to be closed.

Thanks, and feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyS* 
I would take our own food, absolutely.

I also think it's odd that some people think it's not okay to use the word "allergy" unless it's anaphylactic, life-threatening, allergies. I'm allergic to mangoes. I break out something fierce, and it usually takes steroids to bring the rash/hives under control. Each time I've been exposed, the reaction has gotten worse and worse. Should I keep eating mangoes, and just hope that this isn't the time the allergy chooses to get bad enough to affect my breathing? Um, no. Allergies are allergies. Some are worse than others. But, all of them are our bodies way of telling us to avoid something.

You have an allergy and many do typically get worse with each exposure. Intolerances don't. Think of someone who gets a headache when they have fermented foods. Or someone who is lactose intolerant. They usually have some gastric symptoms that repeat each time the offending dairy is consumed. Allergies involve an immune response and intolerances don't.

Sure anyone could use the word allergy if they want. But why not just say what is actually going on? For example; "I can't eat that" or "I have gluten intolerance" or "I'm vegan" or whatever. If someone doesn't respect that, not someone I'd want to be around anyway!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I have a couple of food intolerences I call allergies when talking to people. I don't owe people a complex medical explanation for why I can't eat things, and when I say "intolerence" or "I can't eat . . ." people start asking questions to judge if I really need to not have some food or another. I really just want people to understand I can't eat certain things and not get more into it than that. What I can eat and whether the effect of the food is worth it or not is up to me, not someone else. So personally, I think that's fine too.

Nope, you don't owe anyone anything







. I think a simple, no nonsense answer is best.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy* 
I agree. Everyone should be able to choose the food they/their kids want to eat without owing anyone an explanation. I don't understand why "life-threatening allergy" or "vegan" let me off the hook but "I don't like it" or "I want to eat healthy" or "I have an intolerance" would not. I don't think it's anyone else's business what you/your children eat. Of course be courteous & don't put down someone else's food, and let them know if they need an exact head count, but beyond that, no one owes anyone else an explanation about why they choose not to put something in their bodies. It's no different than choosing to not vax or not take Tylenol for a headache... you have a right to decide what goes into your body & it's not "rude" to refuse a pain-killer or a shot.

Absolutely . "I want to eat healthy" is a great reason to give, even though it is NO one's business what you eat or don't eat. This is the point I am trying to make, whatever you (general you) want to feed yourself and your family is your choice.


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

For me...

"Do you mind if I bring some separate food for my daughter? She can't eat regular cake" = not rude. No reason to explain whether "can't" means an allergy/intolerance/vegan/etc. or she's just not allowed to, especially with a child so young. "I don't want to bore you with our health issues" usually ends the prying, if there is prying.

So long as your request is expressed in a non-judgmental manner--and the party's at a place that won't get shut down by the health inspector if you do bring in your own food--I think it's fine.

If I did have an ethical issue with McD's or Chuck's in general, I'd stay home altogether.

Where I think it gets dicey is with older children and food preferences (as opposed to dietary restrictions). I have a very picky 7-year-old (no allergies, intolerance, or sensory issues--just picky) and would not send her with separate food. (Not that this is usually an issue at a party--most fast-food/kid food is on her OK list, sadly.) She's got a good command of "no thank you" and just eating the parts of the meal she likes, and she's at an age where if she goes hungry for an hour because the meal has "green things" in it, disaster will not ensue. She can just eat after the party. Or maybe she'll be inclined to try the green things because all of her friends are enjoying them. Ha. Maybe.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karika* 
In this day and age with all that is known now about additives and such, frankly anyone having a party at a mcd or chuckies is rude to me... well not rude, but way out of touch with reality. I would probably not even go. I have a problem being around other people that are feeding their children what I consider to be poison to the human body. i have zero tolerance for it. there is so much evidence now to support the facts that food colorings cause reactions in all children. HFCS is proven to be bad for the body.... anyway, at 2 it isn't like she would even know there was a party she isn't going to. We are also GFCF and working on SF, for behavioral issues and because I have done the research. It is what is healthiest, IMO. Eating raw as much as possible (but not all, there is benefit to some foods cooked (and I haven't kicked the meat habit yet....) but what is served at Mc is not even qualified as meat IMO. It is from feed lot cows that were very unhappy most likely, and then the bits of meat that used to be unusable due to contamination possibilities are treated with ammonia and made in into patties for fast food and schools. http://www.newser.com/story/77225/da...unch-beef.html In my opinion, it is not food. So I wouldn't feel weird or bad at all about bringing real food for my child anywhere I go. I do in fact, and have for a long time since we were organic before that. To the posters that say a little is okay, once I read the things I have read and decided those things were poison for us, I cannot in good conscience give any to my child. If you are a tolerating person and can still be around mainstream people, go and do as one poster said, take a variety of food that is yummy and real, and make sure there is a sweet cake so she can have cake when the others do. I did like what one woman said that her children have never been restricted from those foods, and so they don't like the taste of them and refuse them, this may work when my dd is older and wondering about those other foods if the rest of the world is still eating it by then.... but we just started my daughter on the GFCF diet 6 wks ago (all of us girls are on it and feel awesome now) and she would still remember mcd... her dad used to take her there and me long ago when we travelled cross country. But now I know more and so I do things differently. I think the main reason people are still eating at places like that even after the NYT expose is they are afraid of change, and the ads (along with the alpha waves from the tv) have them in a state of half sleep. Or I could be wrong about it all... but anyway for now I would tell anyone that my dd is allergic to gluten, casein, food colors, HFCS, nitrates and nitrites.... and it is my opinion all humans are 'allergic' to these things... in that I do not believe the human body is meant to digest them and the chemicals were never meant to be food....

I agree with a lot of this. We don't follow a raw diet but I do follow an organic produce only, local grass fed beef and raw dairy, local pastured chicken, etc, no processed foods diet for DS. DS does not eat crap period.

And for those who have argued that once in a while won't hurt, you've never met my DS. ONCE at a family party DS had some cake and now, every time we go to that grandma's he's looking for cake. When we go to lunch every now and then, he's asking for cake. He now equates eating a meal not at home with getting cake. I don't want to deal with this with other foods like fries, or hamburgers, or pizza, or whatever else they consider kids foods.

I would do what a lot fo people suggested. Feed your daughter before you go and keep an eye on what food is being offered. I wouldn't eat a scrap at either place so maybe bring your own snacks for her and hope she's too busy to eat.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Not rude at ALL!!! take it from me, I've been a vegetarian back when it was super not cool to be one.

I'd mention that you are bringing someting to the host, out of politeness, and not worry about it. Your kiddo is too young to go hungry just to not offend someone. And you don't have to lie about allergies, you can just say that burgers and fries, or cheese pizza makes her ill. It's the truth!

ETA: I eat fast food 3-4 times a week







, and still wouldn't touch McD's or Chuck E cheese with a 10 foot pole.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ProtoLawyer* 
"Do you mind if I bring some separate food for my daughter? She can't eat regular cake" = not rude. No reason to explain whether "can't" means an allergy/intolerance/vegan/etc. or she's just not allowed to, especially with a child so young. "I don't want to bore you with our health issues" usually ends the prying, if there is prying.

.

this is PERFECT!!!

I have issues with MSG. I call it an allergy. I don'tknow what the scientific definition is but if I have it my body freaks out. end of story. people understand that allergymeans you can't have it without negative results. Not all allergies are life threatening. that doesn't mean people want to go around exposing themselves to allergens. I really do not care enough to sit around and judge what people are eating. i do not care if it is a preference, a principal, an allergy or sensitivity. call it what you want. call it nothing and just say "I don't eat that". but if you are bringing your own food to something it is kind to alert the hostess (she may already be making special arrangements for you) and be respectful with what you bring. don't be showy or prideful, don't bring stuff other people, especially children, may prefer (one of my daycare kids would show up with pizza and happy meals. then I had to deal with 4 other screaming toddlers who a few minutes before had been perfectly happy with their pbandj and apple slices) etc.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Just a thought i was having on page 1, and am surprised it hasn't been mentioned by someone else, but maybe it has and i missed it.

Maybe you could check what they have actually asked for at these parties? DD loves McD's, and we looked into a party there (but decided against it eventually due to cost vs value) but we were able to select what was available - so i could have said Happy Meals with only water or fresh orange juice and fruit bags or carrot sticks instead of fries, i could have vetoed the other choices too - like say no burgers, or no nuggets or whatever. If that option is available in the US it's possible that the mama concerned has already made sure the healthiest stuff available is what is actually going to be on offer. Worth a look anyway...?

As for the whole intolerance vs allergy thing...honestly i doubt that the mother at a party for a bunch of 2 year olds will have time to think, worry or care about that sort of thing. A simple "i'm just letting you know i'll be bringing food with me - DD can't eat a couple of things served at McD's/CEC so i'm just going to bring similar stuff that she CAN have" should suffice. I DO think it's polite to let the mom know, just in case cost is an issue for her - i could have saved around £6 by knowing ahead of time that one kid wouldn't be eating with us.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
so i could have said Happy Meals with only water or fresh orange juice and fruit bags or carrot sticks instead of fries, i could have vetoed the other choices too - like say no burgers, or no nuggets or whatever. If that option is available in the US it's possible that the mama concerned has already made sure the healthiest stuff available is what is actually going to be on offer. Worth a look anyway...?

They don't have carrot sticks in the US (at least not where I am), but they do have pre-sliced apples. They also have yogurt, walnuts, bottled water, etc. There are choices besides chicken nuggets and burgers.


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## applecider (Jul 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Just because it's not an anaphylactic reaction doesn't mean you can't still be allergic. There are various degrees, and yeah, nearly 10% of the population has some sort of food allergy. I'm allergic to coconut, but it's not life-threatening. I'd be really ticked if someone felt I should eat a German Chocolate Cake because I would only be uncomfortable with hives and wheezing, not dead, if I eat it. And yes, I say, "I'm allergic to coconut." Even non-life threatening allergies deserve to be taken seriously.

THANK YOU!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4evermom* 
A toddler with food sensitivities? I can't believe anyone would think twice about mom bringing snacks for her. It's FINE!

Yes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *St. Margaret* 
I can't believe anyone would think it was rude to bring food that would prevent a toddler from getting sick. It's not a 2yo's responsibility to feel terrible/crazy the rest of the day just to not upset the hostess. I really don't think other kids are going to notice one kid eating stuff from home, either. I would let the hostess know ahead of time in case it would save her money to not provide for the kid.

And yes.

And FTR I would totally not be offended if people brought other food to a party I was throwing, especially if they were sensitive to something. Who gives a rat's patootie what someone else wants to eat? How could that possibly be offensive?


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## mrsdocmartin (Nov 16, 2006)

The other thing that I wanted to add is that this child is only two, and I don't think you are going to create an eating disorder if you control the foods that a two year old eats. Now, if you are super controlling of an older child, that might be more concerning. I guess I don't like the implication that if you make sure your toddler doesn't eat junk that you are creating a junk food craving monster. As someone else mentioned, hopefully when the child is older and you allow them a bit more freedom, they will make healthy choices because of the earlier foods they were exposed to.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
The other thing that I wanted to add is that this child is only two, and I don't think you are going to create an eating disorder if you control the foods that a two year old eats. Now, if you are super controlling of an older child, that might be more concerning. I guess I don't like the implication that if you make sure your toddler doesn't eat junk that you are creating a junk food craving monster. As someone else mentioned, hopefully when the child is older and you allow them a bit more freedom, they will make healthy choices because of the earlier foods they were exposed to.

I agree with everything here.

Yes, early influence shapes later decisions. There's nothing wrong with that... that's called parenting. We all do it in different ways.


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## lyterae (Jul 10, 2005)

I don't think it's rude at all to bring your own food. DD can't have dairy and we try to keep her diet as clean as possible otherwise she gets sick. It's simply easier to pack a safe meal for her and a dessert/treat of some kind (if it's a birthday party) because generally the treat is not safe.

There are a couple of kids within our daycare with food allergies and whenever we go to parties or out to eat as a group we always pack food for a couple of the kids.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"'I want to eat healthy' is a great reason to give..."

... if your goal is to come across as holier-than-thou.









By even "giving a reason" to the hostess, I think you're kind of putting your food issues right up in her face. I have a 3 y.o. and a 5 y.o. and various of their little friends have eaten food from home at many parties and playdates, and it was most certainly NOT rude nor did I ever ask why the mom was carrying around a little Tupperware of something-that-looked-gross-to-me. It's none of my business. Little kids (ALL little kids) are eccentric eaters in one way or another. I have attended a couple of CEC parties where the parents bought a salad bar meal and served that to their kid instead of pizza. It was no big deal at all. Neither was the separate cupcake served at cake time.

That said, I expect my own children to accept what is served at any social occasion, say "thank you," refrain from criticizing any aspect of the meal, and eat whatever on the plate they find appealing. They don't have allergies or sensitivities and they are no longer toddlers, so my most important goal at this point is to teach proper social behavior related to food. At home, where we eat the vast majority of our meals, I can indulge my preferences for organic free-range local foods. And I don't welcome complaints about those meals, either.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

I think the reality that you have to look at is whether or not outside food is allowed at the venue. If you look at th McDonalds' party sites....outside _cake_ is allowed only. The same is for Chuck E Cheese
So if a person is really concerned...feed before going...or don't go.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
The other thing that I wanted to add is that this child is only two, and I don't think you are going to create an eating disorder if you control the foods that a two year old eats. Now, if you are super controlling of an older child, that might be more concerning. I guess I don't like the implication that if you make sure your toddler doesn't eat junk that you are creating a junk food craving monster. As someone else mentioned, hopefully when the child is older and you allow them a bit more freedom, they will make healthy choices because of the earlier foods they were exposed to.

My comments as far as that goes were more general about bringing food to parties, not specifically about toddlers, since this is in Parenting and not Ages and Stages Toddlers. But I do agree with the specifics, that for toddlers there's naturally more control needed with food. Also that it's normal to bring snacks for toddlers. But as far as the parties go, I dont' think most 2-year-olds even have parties at places like CEC, so this situation seems a bit unusal. Or maybe people just dont' do it here? Usually parties for toddlers are at peoples houses, and the CEC stuff doesn't kick in until around 5, maybe 4 at the youngest.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lonegirl* 
I think the reality that you have to look at is whether or not outside food is allowed at the venue. If you look at th McDonalds' party sites....outside _cake_ is allowed only. The same is for Chuck E Cheese
So if a person is really concerned...feed before going...or don't go.

Exactly. I would feed your daughter before the party and if she is hungry leet her nibble on a bite or two of salad or apple if those are the only items available that you feel are acceptable.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lonegirl* 
I think the reality that you have to look at is whether or not outside food is allowed at the venue. If you look at th McDonalds' party sites....outside _cake_ is allowed only. The same is for Chuck E Cheese
So if a person is really concerned...feed before going...or don't go.

this usually does not apply to babies. i always had snacks etc in my diaper bag for my kids. no one has ever questioned me. I wouldn't bring in a bag from burgerking and if I was having a party I wouldn't bring in platters of food for everyone. but one kid with allergies is not usually what they are talking about when they say "no outside food" and I have never seen anyone bat an eyelash at babies and toddler eating their stuff.


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## marsupial-mom (Feb 3, 2010)

It's not rude.

I'm vegetarian. I grew up vegetarian and my kids will grow up vegetarian as well. So I know exactly what it's like to bring your own food. I'll be bringing food to my kids' friends' birthday parties.

Here's what you do:
- call the host and explain that you're worried about the food options so you'd like to bring a back up plan
- then you bring the food AND some to share
- you say thank you to the host

Easy peazy.


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## sunny*pa*mom (Mar 28, 2008)

I have a son with an intolerance to dyes and preservatives and while the food isn't life threatening, the resulting behavior is. He loses any sense of fear when he's having a reaction and the behaviors have included climbing into high and dangerous places and running into busy streets. We always take his own food to parties. I would be really hurt if a friend thought I was being rude. Until we cleaned up his diet, he never laughed. I'm not willing to let him be physically and mentally sick because someone used vanillin or margarine in their cupcakes. On the other hand, my older son isn't sensitive to chemicals in his food and he can eat whatever is served. You have to do whatever is best for your child. I would be more concerned if my friend was letting her child be sick from the food I served for fear of being rude.


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## mummyofan (Jun 25, 2008)

I don't think it's rude and I wouldn't even clear it; I wouldn't go as I hate those palces, but your children deserve your rules, and if junk isn't one then don't do it. If asked if you go, just say allergies.


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Thanks again everyone







The first party went alright, we didn't bring extra food for dd (just some water) because they had the salad. However... she didn't want to eat, she just hid herself in the side of daddy's coat (wouldn't let him remove it) until I was ready to get up and whisk her away to the slides







... so no eating. I did prefeed her though, so that may have contributed it. My MIL did let her eat a mouthful of cake before I said something, and DD wasn't devestated or anything because she was pretty much forced. They also had a pinata and I was planning on distracting her when it broke open (not only because of the candy but for fear of getting trampled) but MIL got her a box of Mike&Ikes, which is her "haircut candy". DD insisted on saving them for a haircut. When we left, we were handed a goodie bag stocked full of candy, and my DH told the lady that our DD couldn't eat it and he was sure that another little girl would probably like to have it instead. Then she stock it in our diaper bag







.

So.. not flawless, but not horrible either. The next party may be a problem, but we shall see.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

We always bring our own food, unless we know ahead of time that the items being served are things that the kids can eat.

I've never had a complaint either- I mention it to the parents beforehand to avoid any surprises, and I make sure that I'm not bringing something that may cause someone else to have an allergic reaction.

FWIW, the kids have food allergies and they're vegan..


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

I would just lie and say my kid has allergies.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WindyCityMom* 
Thanks again everyone







The first party went alright, we didn't bring extra food for dd (just some water) because they had the salad. However... she didn't want to eat, she just hid herself in the side of daddy's coat (wouldn't let him remove it) until I was ready to get up and whisk her away to the slides







... so no eating. I did prefeed her though, so that may have contributed it. My MIL did let her eat a mouthful of cake before I said something, and DD wasn't devestated or anything because she was pretty much forced. They also had a pinata and I was planning on distracting her when it broke open (not only because of the candy but for fear of getting trampled) but MIL got her a box of Mike&Ikes, which is her "haircut candy". DD insisted on saving them for a haircut. When we left, we were handed a goodie bag stocked full of candy, and my DH told the lady that our DD couldn't eat it and he was sure that another little girl would probably like to have it instead. Then she stock it in our diaper bag







.

So.. not flawless, but not horrible either. The next party may be a problem, but we shall see.









Gotta love MIL's....









I would say though, next time take the goodie bag. That's kind of like a "gift" & I would not give a gift back to the giver. You can just give the candy to coworkers/save it for visitors/put it in a decorative jar & regift/whatever. Unless there was a clear shortage of goodie bags for some reason of course!!


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## IntrovertExtrovert (Mar 2, 2008)

I admit that I haven't read the replies yet.

I don't think it's at all rude because she has sensitivities/intolerances to all the food they serve there.

I think that since she's 2, she's at a golden age where you can say, "You know how 2 year olds can be about the things they will or won't eat." Even if your kid is not actually a picky eater--you're not lying. 2 year olds _can be_ picky about what they will or won't eat.

When she's older, if she still has a sensitivity to those items, personally I would lie and call it an allergy for the sake of smoothing over interactions. If she no longer has any sensitivities to those items, then personally, yes, I do think it would be a little rude to bring her food. For me, it would partially depend on how often these parties/outings are. My son's cousin loves squeezy cheese and Easy Mac. I let him have them when we're visiting her, because it's so infrequent and they both enjoy it so much. If we visited her every month, that would be a different thing.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

It's SO common for people to bring their own food around here, I don't think anything of it.

It seems that half the kids have an issue with certain foods, or are vegetarians. I LOVE it when a mom brings their own food to a playdate or party I'm hosting. It's so hard to try to selects foods that every child can eat and I'd hate to have a child hungry or left out.

I've never seen a child with a food issue or special diet get upset when they couldn't eat the cake or cupcakes or candy at a party. ESPECIALLY if the mom has brought along something they can have. Kids will tell you at a very young age what they can't eat.


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

I did this once, and te mom who hosted the party knew about our LF diet trial and so she was not offended when I asked about the food being served and me having made a seperate tiny 'birthday pie' for my ds. Ds himself was a bit upset first on seeing the BD cake served and me explaining (AGAIN) that it was full of milk products. But, there was also other food available which he could eat (but he didn't). Now my ds understands better if I tell him about ingredients and intolerance reactions, but find it's usually ok to leave it up to him now to decide if he wants to have a bite or not, and he knows the possible consequences for his body/(moods?). Usually he won't be tempted, sometimes he will. If there's a food I'm really concerned about, I'll make sure he knows this, and why.
Yes, I think it should be ok at all times to bring own food to a party, especially for a young child, especially when a specific diet is very important for the person, but the host should be informed so that he/she can understand what's going on. If you're really lucky, your host may try and do an effort to accomodate your dietary needs to some extent ;-).

Also, as a host of a (BD)party or dinner or afternoon tea I have no problem in asking in advance if a guest is following a special diet or has any food issues to accommodate their dietary needs or if they tell me (preferably in advance!)they have. So I can do my best to adjust the food served, or make a seperate dish, depending on the situation. I've cooked without red meats, made a pie that's suited for diabetics, have made a pie without bananas (bought ones here usually have those), baked LF, and anyway usually make 2-3 different pies for different preferences (fi some love chocolate, others fruit, some both . When I already know about a BD party having food sensitivities, I take that into account and make sure there's something he/she can have, and will help guide the mom and child through the offered snacks to show what's ok and go through ingredients if they want to know for sure.

And I would never host a toddler party in a fast food restaurant, I was truly shocked when I once saw a bunch of daycare toddlers aged 1-3 'throwing a party' at a hamburger restaurant...

My ds, who would sometimes go on outings with his preschoolclass, would never eat fastfood hamburgers or fries, unfortunately that was what they were planning for outdoor lunch, and they did not want to make an exception for him, they would not order a meal he would eat, I should not have him bring food from home, reason for refusal: 'all the kids will want a different food, too', so my child should basically stay hungry while everyone eats and until coming home after outdoor 'lunch', because he does not like the junk food they order and we need to pay for grrrr.
Ok, school lunch he did not always eat either, but we just live around the corner, and there would at least always be something at lunch he would eat or could have an extra portion of. But it makes a big difference for a child to have to stay hungry for an extra 30-60 minutes AFTER a busy, active, hunger-provoking outing.

Also, If I know someone who is VERY allergic/sensitive to a certain food and that person may even visit us just once a year, I would make absolutely sure not to have that item in our house.

I think when someone has a genuine reason to bring food, it should not be a problem. And of course adults, when following specific diets, can be more creative around this type of situation in regard to sensitive hosts.
But kids?


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GreenMamma* 
I don't think it's rude. Although to save time on explaining why you are avoiding the junk food, I'd just call it food allergies. And your daughter will be just fine.









I agree! I wouldn't think it's rude at all.


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## Redheaded_Momma (Nov 8, 2006)

I haven't read all the posts.

I would think it was rude if you just showed up with a stash full of food but if you let me (hostess) know in advance I wouldn't worry about it. I would try to be as accomadating as possible to you, if I knew there were needs. I would definitely pre-feed my DC and most likely he wouldn't eat b/c it was a party and lots of fun things to do besides eat.


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