# Piggyback off of the "is anyone afraid" thread (LONG)



## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

I read (and posted in) the "Is anyone afraid to get pregant?" thread with great interest, and wanted to push it a little further. Indulge me, mamas?









I have a beautiful, delicious, healthy, happy little 2.5 year old daughter who fills me with sunshine (ok, she has her 2.5 year old days, but still!). She's definitely striking me as the kind of child who will love having a sibling, and probably would have done fine with one several months ago. She loves babies, she's very gentle, she's relatively easy-going, and probably her favorite thing in the world is being with her whole family all together. So, there's no reason related to my existing child and her temperament that I should be holding off on another child.

My dh is a super-supportive, involved daddy, a wonderful partner in parenting and life, and we make enough money to support a family. He is now making enough that I could work part time if I wanted to after another child. He's very excited to have another child and is willing to be flexible about some of the things I want to try with the next child (co-sleeping, for one) which we didn't try with DD. So, my dh is absolutely no impediment to another child.

I want another child. I am excited to see two little ones playing together, I am excited to nurse again, I am excited to watch another one grow and see what s/he turns out to be! It's not a lack of desire for more children that's stopping me -- or scaring me.

It's 100% fear of pregnancy.

Compared to others, I suppose my pregnancy and birth wasn't that bad. However, it's all I know, and I hated it. As I said in my post under Is Anyone Afraid..., I had PUPPPs in pregnancy, and just learned that getting it a second time is not as rare as I thought it was. I also had high blood pressure, which I found very troubling and scary.

My birth itself was not too bad, but I was in labor 29 hours, the last 15 of which were really hard. My BP was so high that I had to spend the last 15 on my left side in bed, which was excruciating with back labor. I ended up with an epidural, which some lactation consultants blamed for DD's not-so-great latch in her early weeks (which resulted in cracked and bleeding nipples for me). I tore a lot, and pretty high, which because of my previously diagnosed vulvadynia, was more emotionally difficult for me than painful. I just HATED delivering my daughter. The moment I felt her slip from me filled me with awe, but the rest of the process was awful, plain and simple. I have no desire to do it again.

However, there's just nothing I can do about it -- if I want a baby, I have to do all of that: 10 months of pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery. Thinking about it makes me a little ill. I don't know how to deal with that. I keep thinking that I must be crazy to go through something again that I hated so much...but I'm not crazy, I just want a baby.

Do any of you other moms out there hear where I'm coming from? Any of you with more than one child, how did you cope with this? How did you get over this so you could open yourself up to another pregnancy with a positive attitude? Sometimes I wish there was some kind of post-birth therapy I could go through!

This is so long...sorry. Help?


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

I haven' t gone through this, but









Therapy sounds like a really good idea. I'm sure there are post-partum therapists that work with women to overcome fears from pregnancy and birth. It could only help.

Another option, of course, is adoption! My husband and I plan to adopt from China in the next few years, and from all the research we've done the process is pretty streamlined (right now the process takes about 14 months from start to finish, though times vary from year to year). Also, over 10,000 dollars of your adoption costs can be taken as a federal tax credit, so the cost isn't nearly as prohibitive anymore. Adoption is a personal choice, but if you want a new family member without the pregnancy and birth, goodness knows there are a lot of babies that need families.

Good luck, Mama, and I hope your heart guides you.


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

Thanks, RedOakMama...I thought for sure my post was just too crazy for anyone to respond to. I feel better just seeing a response!

I'd love to adopt, but I just cannot talk DH into it. Trust me, we've had tearful conversations about it, and he just can't find it in himself. I have to respect that, just as he has to respect it if I decide I don't want to get pregnant. He understands that if he won't adopt and I won't get pregnant again, that means no more kids -- he's not insisting we get pregnant. It's hard to explain, but this wonderful man asks so little of me (and I of him), that I just don't feel I have to fight this with him.

What I'm looking for is really just more coping mechanisms or meditations on pregnancy after difficulty -- how can I try to approach this positively? I know that panic and worry will only exacerbate blood pressure trouble, and will reflect on the babe inside, once s/he is there and receptive to my emotions.

Thanks for responding...and hey, go to Beans & Barley on the east side for me! I grew up north of Milwaukee (in Mequon, way before it was fabulously wealthy) and get up there every month or so to see my folks. Great town!


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

It's so funny you mentioned Beans & Barley, because I was thinking of going there tonight (but alas, with fussy children, opted for Cranky Al's pizza). I LOVE Beans & Barley!

It's too bad about the adoption problem, but it _is_ a really personal choice. You're right-- if he has his reasons, it's hard to gain any movement in that direction. Does he know any recently adopted children? That's what melted my husband's heart.

I'd just really, really encourage you to find a local therapist specializing in issues relating to birth and reproduction. I would imagine it's fairly common for women to have post traumatic stress from labor and pregnancy, and there's probably a lot of help out there for you. You might try contacting a few local doulas or midwives and asking them for someone (a therapist or healer) that can help you move through your fear. If you worked on it before you conceived, and then through your pregnancy, I'm sure you could have very different results this time. The mind-body connection is so strong.

I have a wonderful SIL that has a deep fear of birth. She's a super-strong lady, her mom's earthy crunchy as can be (homebirths, etc.), but her coworkers for several years before she got pregnant filled her head with nightmare stories of pain and labor. All nine months of pregnancy she talked about how she dreaded labor, and when labor came she was in such a state that she went down the classic road to c-section (IV, pitocin, epidural, no progress, baby stress, c-section). Now she's pregnant again and dreading birth, again. She's a clear instance of someone who could really benefit from working through her fears and going through a lot of deeply personalized labor coaching. She has the ability to give birth, but her mind is telling her she can't. That's hard to overcome on your own. It seems like someone with birth/trauma expertise could be really valuable.

And try to keep it in the back of your mind that each delivery is different (and often times easier than the last). Rather than re-living your daughter's birth, maybe it would help to read some of the positive birth stories on this site and start putting together a patchwork of your favorite parts. Your next birth _could_ be beautiful. You _deserve_ to have a beautiful birth.

Did you have a lot of support at your last birth? A doula or midwife you trusted? Meeting and having a woman you trust involved from the beginning (of pregnancy, I mean) could help you calm a lot of your fears, especially as you get closer to labor. If you had a traumatic experience last time, I would imagine you'd want to make sure this next time follows a very different path (so that similar experiences don't reoccur and trigger fear responses). Having a woman there you trust, an expert to comfort and defend your wishes, could give you that extra boost of confidence and help you get comfortable enough to let go of some fear. If you trust her, you can put _her_ in charge and feel confident that she'll guide you to the best experience possible.
Putting all the pieces together...therapy, finding a trusted birth/pregnancy midwife, visualizing positive births, educating yourself on pregnancy and birth (nothing helps get rid of fear better than educating yourself on what you fear)...it's a lot of work, but surely the benefits are enormous. Not only could it bring you another little baby, but it might help you overcome the negative feelings you're carrying from your daughter's pregnancy and birth. When she has a baby someday, you could be such a positive influence for her.

Keep writing if you need to--it's not like space is running out!


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

Elisabeth,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and beautiful post. It does feel really good just to write about this, so thank you also for giving me the space to do that...

I agree with what you're saying about controlling as much as possible and having good birth support. I actually need to keep reminding myself that the first 7.5 months of my pregnancy were actually pretty easy. In addtion, I had a midwife I absolutely adored (who has sadly since retired, but her former partner is also great, and I've been to see her for obgyn visits) who had actually suffered with PUPPPs 30 years ago in her pregnancy. That was enormously helpful, because even though I loved her already and trusted her completely, I also knew 100% that she understood what I was going through those last 5 weeks. She was amazing during my labor and daughter's birth, called me afterwards (from the vacation she had postponed by a day to stay through my delivery), and even followed up after the 6 week checkup I had with her partner because she heard my daughter was colicky and just wanted to hear for herself how I was handling it.

Her partner is also wonderful, and I trust her completely. I'll deliver with her next time, and in the same hospital, which I found to be a beautiful place to give birth...much more intimate and caring than I even dreamed.

Truly, my fear comes completely from those medical things I could not control: the PUPPPs and the high blood pressure. I like your ideas of reading the birth stories here, and how beautiful they were. I think there are a few things I can change for next time...like, even if I tear and even if the next is born with meconium everywhere like dd was, maybe I can still insist on nursing as soon as the danger is past, even while they stitch me up. I think I would have felt better if it had been less than an hour before I got to hold my daughter and try to nurse.

Mostly, though, I just have to cope with my fear of illness, the miserable discomfort of PUPPPs, and more than those things individually than how they would affect my ability to care for DD.

We've basically decided to stop using protection, so I could be pregnant any moment.







I think what I'll do is, when I know I am pregnant, ask my midwife for a referral to someone with whom I can process DD's birth, even using my medical records as a reference. I want to understand why and how every decision was made, what other choices I may have had, and what might have happened had I made other choices, etc. Maybe that will help.

Elisabeth, thank you so much for this chance to think on-screen. I really appreciate it! Have great fun at Beans & Barley (get the tempeh reuben, my favorite!!!)!


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fiddledebi*
We've basically decided to stop using protection, so I could be pregnant any moment.

Look at your inner reserves - you haven't even noticed it but you are coping & working through things, else I don't think you would have been able to make this decision.

Best of luck.


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## kimberlylibby (Dec 28, 2003)

Oh my gosh, I could have written your post a year ago.... in fact, after 5 miscarriages and one beautiful daughter (c/s after 48 hours of labor, hellp, preeclampsia, abrupted placenta, 4.5 months of bedrest...) my dh had a vasectomy at age 24.

We *knew* we were done biologically and started the process of foster adopting. The thought of going through another pregnancy was simply more than I thought I could bear.

The day before our foster licensing went through, we found out that I was already pregnant when dh got his vasectomy.

I can't tell you how many emotions I went through in the next weeks as I tried to figure out how this had happened! WE WERE DONE! I wanted to scream!! I was SO SCARED.

My pregnancy with Katie ended up being a very healing process. I wrote out my thoughts and prayed a lot. I ended up having a fairly easy pregnancy, just one month of bedrest, versus 4







and pre-eclampisa at the very end. My repeat c/s was simple and my daughter was born healthy.

My first daughter didn't latch for 10 solid weeks.... I pumped and pumped until she nursed.... Katie nursed shortly after birth and hasn't stopped since









I guess my point is, your 2nd pregnancy may be nothing like your first. I am so thankful we have had the experience we did with Katie, because it renewed my faith in God, my body, fertility, and more... it was a VERY healing experience.

(((hugs)))

Kimberly


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I tell myself (and my dh) that if I really hate it - then I'll just do it once and adopt. But my dh is open, even if a bit wary, to adoption.

What about hypnosis?


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