# Tired of holiday family obligations



## JSerene (Nov 4, 2004)

Father's day on Sunday really made my dh and I realize we have to do something about all of the family obligations we have now that we have a baby of our own. We want everyone to understand that we have our own little family unit now and would like to spend the holidays relaxing together. It was our first fathers day and instead of celebrating in our own way we had to spend the afternoon with my parents and the evening with his (yes we have to honor our fathers, but what about dh, it was his fathers day too). Running around all day is not enjoyable! I anticipate trouble this coming holiday season. Everyone will want to see the baby and we'll be expected to visit each of our parents AND grandparents homes...it's all too much. We just want to stay home.

Growing up my parents never took us to see relatives on the holidays. We stayed home and if anyone wanted to see us they came over. But somehow I'm expected to get up early x-mas morning and haul the baby to their house.

I can't forsee a way to make them understand our point of view without a lot of hurt feelings. Sigh. I feel like our families treat us like children - I thought it would stop once we had a child of our own.

Sorry this is rambly and whiny







Just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks!


----------



## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I've found that this is something I have to be stern about. Some respect my choice (my mother is accomadating and chooses another day for things like Christmas, we don't really celebrate other things together). My dad, OTOH, thinks everyone should come to him. Of course, it's just one of many strains in our relationship, but my obligations aren't to him any longer but to my children and DH.


----------



## pageta (Nov 17, 2003)

It's hard. Before you have kids, you're the kid and so it's fine to go "home" for Christmas and other holidays. But then once you have kids, all of a sudden you feel pulled in a thousand directions. You realize you need to start your own traditions for your own family, but everyone resists. My SIL wanted to serve something other than ham for Christmas day last year and there was this huge family feud. BIL didn't want to exchange gifts and that only added to the fire. All I have to say is that we won't be celebrating Christmas day with any of them this year because I'm not going through that again. We never had ham when I was growing up (vegetarians) and Christmas was my favorite holiday. MIL was the one who had the big fit. She can celebrate by herself for all I care.


----------



## MinnieMouse (Nov 19, 2001)

Before we even had kids I made it VERY CLEAR that once we did Christmas morning was at our house...no discussion. I want my children to sleep in THEIR beds on Christmas Eve and wake up in THEIR house in the morning. This would be family time for us in our home. I don't care who wants to come to us...but we wouldn't be going anywhere.

This is important as my dad is 3hrs away, dh's dad is only 1.5hrs away but my sis is on the other side of the country, brother is half a country away and MIL is just a bit further than that. My announcement pretty much said we aren't flying anywhere for the holiday.

It did NOT go over well.. sis accused me of "hijacking" the holiday ...condemning the family to ALWAYS having Christmas at "my" house (which is interesting since the woman currently works on a cruise ship and doesn't HAVE a house!).

I did say that we would be willing to fly anywhere before or after Christmas to celebrate... but just not ON that day. They have all sucked it up and dealt with it. It may also make a difference that we are the only ones w/ a child (with a second due in early December). Not sure how all of this will play out as my siblings have children.


----------



## toepea (Apr 30, 2002)

I deal with this too.......... and now that I am a single mom I feel even more pressure to do it my family's way.







: It seems like there is so much emotion and such tied up within a family and it's 'traditions' and expectations about a given holiday. It is so frustrating. I hope someone has *the* answer!! :LOL


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

You have to figure out what works for you, your DH and your kid(s) and stick to your guns. You also have to let go of the feeling that your extended family should be happy with all your decisions.

We live in a different city from my family and they think we should drive half way across the country to see them for every holiday. My DH is British and his family thinks we should fly over every year to see them. We tried to keep everybody happy for a couple of years and then realized that we were going broke and wearing ourselves out. We didn't have any vacation time (or money) left to spend with just the four of us. We now seldom travel to the UK and we go back to my hometown for one holiday a year. It is soooooo much better this way.

I nicely explained to my mom that we could no longer travel for every holiday. She was a little hurt, but she got over it.


----------



## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

We travel at most major holidays. This only works cause we don't have religion, but it gets us out of so many messes.

At holiday time you may find my family exploring some lovely American city; New Orleans, San Franciso, Denver, NYC. We've made so many wonderful memories.

I do visit my family and dh's family. Just not normally at holiday time.


----------



## cyncyn (Nov 19, 2004)

This is an ongoing problem in our family as well. We just want to stay home and have nice quiet holidays. I have found it's best if I speak up and firmly say that we won't be there because we have other plans. Of course, that's what I should do, not what always happens! Many times we have gone and then felt resentful. We also will say we will be there and then at the last minute call and say we can't (not very polite, are we?).

I try to look at it from DD's perspective: which will she prefer? Staying home with boring mom and dad or playing with 12 crazy cousins at Nana's House of Toys? Driving 2 hours, then eating in a restaurant or going on a nature walk with fun mom and dad? It depends on the situation. Sometimes even if she would have fun, we won't go because of lack of naps and suitable food. We've had weeks with four consecutive days of different family events, no naps, restaurant meals, etc. and it is just not worth it to end up with a really tired and grumpy toddler.

Both dh and my ILs are very family oriented and there is a lot of subtle unspoken pressure to attend events.


----------



## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I am realizing the same thing. not to mention there's always issues about food (I'm veggie as is ds and new baby will be as well-which means we always have to bring our own food which is a hassle in itself)

DH family has "expected" us to come for every holiday for the last 2 years since his family moved here. the thing is I'm not particularly close to them and it's slightly annoying and they don't actually make any plans in advance. it's always the night before kind of deal. I even had to go thier house on the way home from the hospital with my c/s with ds so they could see the baby, even though I said I didn't feel up for it! wtf?!?

it's especially annoying at holidays when all we do is sit in front of the tv the whole time and they complain about how they never see us







not once has anyone come to our house. like literally. FIL came up once when we first moved in and BIL/SIL comes over on occasion (but they live on the next street over) the rest of the family has never been here. I have decided I am putting my foot down though about it once and for all.

thanks for listening to me vent. glad I'm not the only one. :LOL


----------



## katt (Nov 29, 2001)

we don't have kids yet but the early decision is that if familiy wants to see us on major holidays they can come to us.

We may do the rounds on x-mas (x-mas eve at Lola and Lolo's, cause that is when they celebrate with mass and gifts and X-mas day at Gramma and Grammpa's because that is when they do x-mas)
Don't know how long that will last, but we'll see.


----------



## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh boy, this is a hot spot for me.

Holidays have been an issue since before I even had kids. My parents are bitterly divorced, so ever since I was a teenager I have been making the rounds on holidays, always running from one place to another, being made to feel guilty for arriving too late or leaving too early. Then I started dating dh, and we had a third family to add to the mix. (All of our family lives in the same area.) We had negotiated x-mas eve with his parents, x-mas morning with my mom and sister, and then x-mas day with my dad, but it pretty much sucked. I swore I was never going to subject my kids to this kind of a schedule.

One year when we were dating, all our friends happened to be home from college at the same time, so we decided to have a big party x-mas eve. We told dh's parents that we would love to celebrate the day before or the day after, but this particular x-mas we wanted to have a special celebration with our friends on x-mas eve. His mother refused to celebrate at a different time, cried all day x-mas, and didn't speak to dh for a month.

We even tried inviting everyone over on Christmas day one year, and it ended up being just as hectic. I ended up having to serve and clean up 3 different phases of meals that day. It was not at all relaxing for me.

Our perfect holiday is to stay home, and have my mom and sister come over. It's relaxed, they are fun, and we all have a good time. I enjoy dh's parents, but everything they do is much more formal, and they just aren't comfortable at our house. And now his parents have bought a vacation home, and they pressure us every year to celebrate x-mas there so we can all have a "white christmas." Oh god, just the idea of spending a few days there with all of them just makes me tense. Not to mention packing up all the crap, hauling it down there, and missing the holidays with my family.

To make things worse, dh's sister's husband's family and my sister's boyfriend's family live across the country, so they are always available for the one family gathering. We are the only ones pulled in 3 different directions, and end up always feeling like jerks.

To be honest, we have never found the perfect solution. Right now we have been going to dh's parent's house on x-mas eve (although I recently found out that his mom has never been happy about this arrangement), my dad comes over x-mas morning, and then leaves before my mom shows up in the early afternoon. I'm not thrilled about this arrangement either, but it's the best we can do to make everyone happy.


----------



## JSerene (Nov 4, 2004)

Good to know I'm not alone, I guess







.

You all reminded me of some more things that really irk me...

-All of the relatives smoke. During the pregnancy I INSISTED that no one smoke in my presence (I said I would simply go home if they did, nothing too threatening). This caused a lot of problems for a while, but everyone eventually relented. Rule still applies now that babe is here. Not to be too nit-picky, but I still don't like visiting my mom's house because, even if they don't smoke when we are there, we still stink like smoke when we leave. The house is so saturated with the smell we get covered in it just being there. When we get home everyone needs to wash or air out all clothes/jackets and wash their hair.
-My family is addicted to television. Even with a house full of company, there are always at least 2 tv's on in different rooms, competing with the general noise. It stops conversation (so what's the point of visiting?) and frankly gives me a terrible headache.
-We are vegetarians. There is never anything to eat when we visit family. Bringing your own food sounds like a good idea, but I've never had it together enough to manage this.
-We're not religious and don't feel comfortable celebrating all the Christian holiday's anyway. We have always done it to honor the traditions of our families. We'd rather start our own traditions now that we have the baby.

My dh has had enough. A long holiday weekend together should be something to look forward to, not dread! See? It's only July and I'm already getting myself worked up over what's going to happen in December! OKAY, RANT OVER! THANKS FOR LISTENING...AGAIN!!!


----------



## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

I celebrate Winter Solstice with my kids, so we have a nice relaxed day with just the three of us. Then on xmas we go to my mom/grandmother's (they live on either side of a duplex). My family is gigantic and it's totally insane, plus there is the smoking problem. Over the past couple years my mom and I (non-smokers) have been doing a smaller xmas thing on her side of the house with the kids in the morning and then waiting until the afternoon to join everyone else. This year we're going to have a separate Thanksgiving as well so we can make some healthier, more exotic stuff. Our family is so huge things are just totally out of control now to try to do the winter holidays crammed into one tiny house.


----------



## sovereignqueen (Aug 5, 2004)

This is an issue for us too. Most of DHs family is here, my family is a 6 hr drive. DH's family has huge get togtehrs for every occasion -- including birthdays. He's one of 8 so this can get expensive and a bit much. They get angry when we're out of town or don't come b/c we did not recieve a phone call or email about it (sorry, not psycic and I think its rude to assume youre invited) We try to get to as many as possible, but its hard on me as his family is so very very different from me and i don't have much in common with any of them (not to mention that some of his sisters have some strange ongoing beef with DH and take it out on us and the kiddos by doing mean things like talking down or getting all the kiddos gifts but them). I try to make an effort to go b/c I know how it makes my mom feel with my brother's wife refuses to go to things (she won't even come to dinner not that they are married, which is strange b/c she spent tons of time at my moms while she and my bro were dating)
For big holidays we're trying to rotate -- last year we spent Thanksgiving with his family, and christmas in Kansas with my grandparents.
This year we'll spend thanksgiving at my parents in AZ and chrostmas in Hawaii with his grandparents. The christmas after that will be at my moms and hopefully after that we'll have a house b/c I really just want to spend christmas at home! DH has discribed the freeforall present fest that his SIL has every year and I'd rather they open their presents for us at home, then go to SILs later for dinner then have our presents analysied my his materialistic family then lost in the shuffle under all the gifts for 20+ people. We never went anywhere for holidays either, except for the couple of times we went to my grandparents for christmas.


----------



## LeftField (Aug 2, 2002)

Yup, also an issue for us. We were married for five years, before we had children, during which time my sister had kids. So we were the doting aunt and uncle who came to all the holiday things at my parents'.

When we had our first child, we continued to do this, but it was a big hassle. After one rushed and chaotic Christmas at my parents and one Christmas at the ILs (they're overseas), I decided that we had to put our foot down. I gave the speech about Christmas being at our house when we were kids and how much fun it was to stay in our pjs for hours and play with our toys without a care in the world for schedule.

So, that next Christmas, with warning, we stayed home. My parents then decided that they needed to have a mini Christmas at my house on Christmas Eve, which we consented to for the sake of harmony. And this Christmas will be the second Christmas that my ILs have come over for.

I also do not do Easter at anyone's house, but I have conceeded Thanksgiving at my parents'.

Wrt parents protesting, this is one of many many areas in which I am not afraid to establish my boundaries. I started forming my boundaries when I was still pregnant with my first, because I am a grown-up now. I do not need or want their permission, as I am a grown-up now. After forming and establishing a few firm boundaries (sometimes unpleasant), everyone now knows not to hassle me or try to boss me around.

I had to run the gauntlet for homebirthing, foreskin maintenance (no lie), breastfeeding, different discipline approach, different sleep practices, diet (we're vegetarian), homeschooling, consumerism wrt my kids, and MANy many many things. After the huge homebirth controversy and the great amount of stress it caused me, what with people constantly bugging the crap out of me, I just decided I needed to put my foot down a lot more often. I'm not the little kid living in my parents' house anymore, so they really have no say-so over what I do. It was initially unpleasant to establish that fact, but it was the best thing for us in the long-run.


----------



## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Oh man.........
Holidays.....those are just the worst for people's expectations. Maybe this year we will plan a special little day trip, or have people come to us since we'll have a brand new baby. The holidays have been a major issue ever since DH and I have been together.......now with 1.5 children it has become even more complicated. It is just one day of the year! What is more important is how people treat each other the rest of the year, not if they get to see you on that all-important holiday.
Sorry, no solutions either....just venting some too.


----------



## pageta (Nov 17, 2003)

We live in Nebraska within an hour of DH's family and my family lives in Florida. DH and I have never spent Christmas with my family - it's too expensive to fly anywhere that time of year. Last year, MIL had a cow when she heard DH and his brother decided that the four of us (brothers and their wives) didn't need to exchange gifts [the boys thought it was as dumb as exchanging a couple $20 bills] as well as SIL's plans to serve chili for dinner instead of ham (we were meeting at their house on Christmas day and she had to work late the day before so she didn't want to fix a big meal). MIL argued on the phone with me for over an hour and then with SIL for over an hour and a half. It was ridiculous and spoiled the whole season for me.

So I have sworn all year that this year we would spend Christmas with my family so I wouldn't have to argue with his family again. But it's so expensive, and it doesn't really solve the problem. We need to have our own tradition.

Christmas is about people and love, not what gifts you exchange and the food you eat. I hate to boycott their Christmas celebration, but it seems that I have to in order to maintain the integrity of the holiday [people and love, not gifts and food].

In some respects, I wish we didn't live so close to his family. We never lived close to our grandparents when we grew up, so they came to visit us once a year and we went to visit them once a year (usually at harvest time so we could help out). If we lived further from his family, it wouldn't be such an issue. But since we're right here, it just seems dumb not to.

DH hates Christmas, and I have always loved it. I really think we need to have our own traditions so he can love it too. It's not going to be easy, though...


----------



## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Yes your family comes first, but here is something else to keep in mind:

Will you be Ok if your son doesn't spend mothers day or major holidays with you when he has his own family? If so, then you are fine. Treat your and dh's parents how you want your son to treat you and dh when he is grown. You are modeling your own future . . .


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamawanabe*
Will you be Ok if your son doesn't spend mothers day or major holidays with you when he has his own family? If so, then you are fine. Treat your and dh's parents how you want your son to treat you and dh when he is grown. You are modeling your own future . . .

I'll be totally OK with it. I'd like a nice phone call. I hope that when my kids grow up they lead their own lives. We call major relatives on major holidays and we send packages to everyone before X-mas.

I don't think that grownups with kids to raise should be speading their time and energy trying to meet some twisted need in their parents that could only be solved in therapy.







:

I do take my kids back to my hometown for a 2 week visit in the summer. There isn't any of the holiday pressure crap, the weather is nice, we don't waste my DH limited time off work, and we get to spend lots of time with extended family. It's perfect. The thing I have a problem with is equating love to what you do on one particular day.


----------



## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Try this one on for size.

Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. Four sets of parents for us. Living anywhere from 20-45 minutes from each other. Plus my Nanna, who is not related to any of the parents, and none of them celebrate holidays at her house- she expects me to be there at every holiday.

That's five places. We are expected by each and every one.

BUT. If I stay home, I still don't get away from MIL- because she lives next to us in our duplex. So staying home is basically the same thing as spending the holiday w/ MIL. And if we spend the holiday w/ MIL, then everyone else is insulted that we didn't choose them.

Add to all this the fact that DH and I are not Christian and are somewhat uncomfortable in celebrating holidays like Easter and Christmas in the first place- of course we're told "but they're family days, you don't have to consider them religious" (but they are). It makes me dread every holiday besides the 4th of July, Halloween, and Valentine's Day.


----------



## pageta (Nov 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamawanabe*
Yes your family comes first, but here is something else to keep in mind:

Will you be Ok if your son doesn't spend mothers day or major holidays with you when he has his own family? If so, then you are fine. Treat your and dh's parents how you want your son to treat you and dh when he is grown. You are modeling your own future . . .

Very good point! I've thought about that. And you know what? I will happily go to them. They will have their spouses with their own traditions, and I will blend into whatever they are doing. I will no longer be responsible for providing a merry Christmas for them. If everyone wants to come to my house, I will be more than happy to have them. If we want to take turns at everyone's houses every year (Child A this year, Child B next year, etc.), that's fine as well - and we will follow the traditions of whoever's house we are at.

In my family, we always talked about what we wanted to do and made it a joint venture. In DH's family, it's MIL's way or no-way. And that's why our tradition of taking turns hosting is no longer going to continue. We are doing our own thing and they are welcome to join us - the food and entertainment are already taken care of so they just need to bring themselves and any gifts they might choose to bring. We're not having ham, we're not watching that stupid Christmas vacation movie, and we're not sitting around complaining about how miserable it is to celebrate Christmas with their dad's side of the family (those three things are what they do every year - I swear!). It's not MIL's personal holiday - it's Christmas.


----------



## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

I was already starting to stress out a little bit regarding the 4th of July!


----------



## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bri276*
Try this one on for size.

Both of our parents are divorced and remarried. Four sets of parents for us. Living anywhere from 20-45 minutes from each other. Plus my Nanna, who is not related to any of the parents, and none of them celebrate holidays at her house- she expects me to be there at every holiday.

That's five places. We are expected by each and every one.

BUT. If I stay home, I still don't get away from MIL- because she lives next to us in our duplex. So staying home is basically the same thing as spending the holiday w/ MIL. And if we spend the holiday w/ MIL, then everyone else is insulted that we didn't choose them.

Add to all this the fact that DH and I are not Christian and are somewhat uncomfortable in celebrating holidays like Easter and Christmas in the first place- of course we're told "but they're family days, you don't have to consider them religious" (but they are). It makes me dread every holiday besides the 4th of July, Halloween, and Valentine's Day.

Wow.....I think I would have to start scheduling a yearly trip to a mountain cabin at holiday times. That's a lot of people to please....especially with MIL right next door. wow.


----------



## matts_mamamama (Mar 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
Oh boy, this is a hot spot for me.

Holidays have been an issue since before I even had kids. My parents are bitterly divorced, so ever since I was a teenager I have been making the rounds on holidays, always running from one place to another, being made to feel guilty for arriving too late or leaving too early. Then I started dating dh, and we had a third family to add to the mix. (All of our family lives in the same area.) We had negotiated x-mas eve with his parents, x-mas morning with my mom and sister, and then x-mas day with my dad, but it pretty much sucked. I swore I was never going to subject my kids to this kind of a schedule.


We were separated at birth? :LOL

Last year was the last year for the big family gatherings for us. Dh and I always swore that we didn't want to have Christmas the same as we were subjected to as kids. We both always wanted to be able to get up, open presents, have the traditional breakfast and play all day. We never got to do that, so we decided that we won't be going anywhere on Christmas Day. Ought to be fun to see the fireworks this one causes!

My dad is the issue - more on the formal side, no kids on that side (except mine!), my cousins all live out of state and it's just plain BORING. They plan every minute of the day with absolutely no regard to anyone else (that's a normal thing, and a topic for a whole other thread!!) So, I am more than excited to give up this day (which, btw, started at 12 and ended late in the evening).

So, our plans are this starting this year: x-mas eve - my mom during the day (at my house) and dh's parents (about 15 mins away) in the evening. Sometime before or after xmas, celebrate with mom's extended family. And then for xmas day, we're staying home!! BUT, I'm going to invite anyone (read: dad's side) over in the late afternoon for dessert and see the kids (oh, and us!).

Hopefully it will go well. We ALREADY had to make a decision about Thanksgiving (HI - it's JUNE), in which we're inviting anyone who wants to come, to come. We keep it really casual.

The only bad thing about seeing everyone at my house is my parents = divorced 30 years ago, they are both remarried and still bitter for whatever reason and of course, I'm always in the middle and the tension is quite lovely!


----------



## suzywan (Feb 5, 2004)

I move heaven and earth to be with my family at the holidays. Yeah, it's expensive and a hassle, but I live far away and can't see them that often, and I know at certain times of the year the extended family comes from far and wide to be together. Some years a few will be missing due to circumstance, but no one complains other than to say how much they will be missed.

To me, the holidays are about family, the whole family, and traditions are handed down from many different generations; I wouldn't have it any other way. You never know when they will be gone, forever.


----------



## Babytime (May 4, 2004)

Here's what we do ... big holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, we host ... if they want to see us, they come here, whether for the entire day or just for dessert. Smaller occasions, like Mother's Day and Father's Day, we host a party before the actual day. So for Mother's Day, I had a brunch the Saturday before and for Father's Day, we had a cookout the Sunday before. Then everyone wins ... people get to celebrate with us but we have family time too. (Family as in, just the four of us!)


----------



## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Ugh ...just thinking about this makes me uke We also decided last year that enough was enough. We will no longer be traveling on any major holidays like X-mas or Thanksgiving. Both of our families are 3,000 miles away so it's understandable, however MIL still thinks X-mas is the greatest day of the year & everyone has to be together. She still has not gotten the clue that we are not coming home for X-mas *anymore*. I guess this could be b/c DH still hasn't gotten the nerve to tell her







My parents are cool with it & understand, but they still try to manipulate us into coming.


----------

