# CIO or divorce?????



## Happily Blessed (Feb 19, 2007)

Well, thats basically what it came to last night. It was literally a knock down drag out fight that lasted about 3 hours.

Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my husband. But when it came to making a choice between abusing my child and this is how I feel with CIO, and my husband. I chose taking care of my child.

This made him very mad at me.

Right now we are doing okay. But I have told him that if he makes me chose, I will leave him and will take my son with me.

We have tried everything and I do mean everything. We have a sidecarred crib. We co-sleep, I breastfeed. He reverse cycles.

It just so bad that he wakes every 45 minutes.

laural


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Maybe your DH should sleep in another room for a while, so his sleep isn't disturbed by the baby's frequent wakings?


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

Try to see this from your husband's side. Try. Becuase it's truly different for them, and it's not easy. He's not getting any sleep, and you're most likely half-sleeping through the wakings to nurse, but he's just waking up and being.....awake. I agree - see if he's willing to sleep in the guest bed, in a bed in baby's room, even on the couch. That's what MY husband does................


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## HoldensMama (Feb 25, 2007)

I think maybe telling him to sleep in another room might be a good idea on a couple of levels. Firstly because I'd be livid if my so told me to let my son cio. Secondly, because then he wouldn't have anything to complain about since he wouldn't be there.


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## mommy65 (Jul 11, 2005)

so sorry to hear you're suffering through this. everyone's marriage is different, of course, but all i can say is that once we clicked into survival mode and gave up trying to make our couple time feel like it did pre-kids, things got better. we decided to figure out how everyone could get as much sleep as possible and do it that way--- until things change. which, with babies, they always do. we've done it all--- co-sleep as a family, matress on the floor next to our bed, me in the kids' room on a floor matress, taking shifts at night, dad in the guest room kids with me, one kid with dad and baby with me, you name it. except cio. we don't have as much sex as we'd both like and it's been way too long since i've slept a full night next to my husband but, believe it or not, we've adapted. it's not forever and when everyone is a little better rested you'd be surprised how uch less fighting there is. i'm all for making changes when it's not working for the family, but there are lots of solutions if you can think outside the box and be willing to shift things around as the kids change and grow. i hope this helps. the sleep issue is HUGE. i love co-sleeping but i've had moments where i screamed that all those AP books i read should come with a warning label. good luck!


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

I agree with all of the pp's - and I also think you might want to figure out why your lo is waking up every 45 minutes, if it's just a phase or teething, or if there's something you can do within the co-sleeping arrangement to help him stay asleep longer. Is he actually in bed with you - I couldn't tell b/c you mentioned a sidecar crib. I fall asleep nursing my ds, and he sleeps at the breast and can re-latch himself. We went through a really tough stretch a couple of months ago with lots of wakings, but eventually he and I both would fall back asleep without me actually switching him to the other breast, and now he almost always only needs the one side so that I don't have to get up at all. In other words, if your lo has total access to the breast - so that you don't have to actually wake up at all, and he can latch himself - you might find that everyone sleeps a little bit longer. Maybe.

Or maybe he's cold? Or in some way uncomfortable? Or not getting enough nurses or mommy time during the day? Do you wear him? Is he about ready to walk - and needs mom more than ever? I would, like I said, also consider lovingly suggesting to your dh that he sleep in another room for a while - while you try constructive ways of helping your ds sleep longer.

Please remember how important it is that your lo have you both there. I know it's hard for my husband, too - and as ds gets a little bit older, I'm realizing that I have to work on my relationship with dh for all of our sakes.

Good luck - I'll pray for you.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

-Angela


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

I would see if he could sleep in another room. Maybe not forever, but just for a few nights. It's amazing what two or three nights of sleep will do for a man's attitude.









And there are other things you could add in too if you wanted, which would help his attitude.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

So sorry your lo is keeping you awake at night. Sleep deprivation is torture. In fact, I know it is used as a technique to torture prisoners. I understand maybe your dh is feeling so fatigued he cannot take it anymore.

Did you try the CIA (cry in arms) approach? I did not get to try it myself, because my kids were already out of babyhood when I read this but a modified version of this idea helped me a lot with their tantrums.

Basically, the idea is that instead of trying to rock him/nurse him to sleep, just hold him and let him know you are there but not comfort him/try to make him sleep. He may or may not need to have a good cry in your arms just to release any stress he may be experiencing.

I hope you can at least rest a bit during the day, and that you have some family near that can help. I am sorry, how old is your baby?


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Oh boy, flashbacks. Me and dh came to the brink of divorce right around the time when ds was 11 mos. old. It was all triggered by a HUGE fight due to lack of sleep because ds was such a horrible sleeper and I was exhausted and dh wasn't helping, just arguing the CIO standpoint (I wouldn't budge either).

I'll tell ya what we did....we got counseling. We got a marriage counselor, took ds with us to sessions, and hashed it out in there. It saved us, I told the counselor that CIO was my line in the sand, that I absolutely would not do it, regardless, so to not even bother trying to convince me. She took me at my word and we went from there and found some solutions that didn't involve CIO, and that both me and dh were comfortable with.

We also got an evaluation for ds for sensory issues, and found out he had sensory processing disorder. I know it sounds nuts, but once we had a *reason* for his constant waking/lack of sleeping/uber high neediness, it helped us cope much much better. Mainly because the blame was no longer being heaped on ME (people just _love_ to blame the mother), but also because we finally got real help for ds in the form of OT which helped him sleep.

Anyway, I have sooooooo btdt. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Oh yeah. Get a counselor, if your dh will go. Having a high needs child goes way beyond the "normal" amount of first baby stress that is put on a marriage, and sometimes you need outside help to navigate that stress.


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## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

Lots of good advice already but I just wanted to share one thing that worked for us: Dh started wearing earplugs at night. He wasn't doing any nighttime parenting once dd2 was over a month anyway, so this way he got some sleep. Then he was more helpful to me during the day when I needed it with my high needs baby.


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## emptytank2000 (Jul 9, 2007)

I could have written your post.







My dd co-slept with us until she was two. When we got our new house, she transitioned herself into her new bed. She'll be four next week, and for some reason, she has recently wanted to come back into our bed. We had a blowup too last night. He doesn't understand my refusal to CIO. If my first instinct is to go comfort my child, then how can that be wrong? IMHO, it is wrong for him to keep me from comforting my child. Not only is it cruel to dd, it's horrendous for me as a mother to hear my child crying and not go to her. He thinks that she needs to "learn how to sleep by herself" and that we're "hindering her growth by making her too dependent on us." I think he's just nuts, but I have the feeling that something is going to give soon.















just don't know what it'll be.

Brandy


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## wendy1221 (Feb 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Finch* 
Oh boy, flashbacks. Me and dh came to the brink of divorce right around the time when ds was 11 mos. old. It was all triggered by a HUGE fight due to lack of sleep because ds was such a horrible sleeper and I was exhausted and dh wasn't helping, just arguing the CIO standpoint (I wouldn't budge either).

I'll tell ya what we did....we got counseling. We got a marriage counselor, took ds with us to sessions, and hashed it out in there. It saved us, I told the counselor that CIO was my line in the sand, that I absolutely would not do it, regardless, so to not even bother trying to convince me. She took me at my word and we went from there and found some solutions that didn't involve CIO, and that both me and dh were comfortable with.

We also got an evaluation for ds for sensory issues, and found out he had sensory processing disorder. I know it sounds nuts, but once we had a *reason* for his constant waking/lack of sleeping/uber high neediness, it helped us cope much much better. Mainly because the blame was no longer being heaped on ME (people just _love_ to blame the mother), but also because we finally got real help for ds in the form of OT which helped him sleep.

Anyway, I have sooooooo btdt. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Oh yeah. Get a counselor, if your dh will go. Having a high needs child goes way beyond the "normal" amount of first baby stress that is put on a marriage, and sometimes you need outside help to navigate that stress.










Finch, all 3 of my kids woke up A LOT at night. I never made the connection between the SPD and the night waking. That makes a lot of sense. All 3 of my kids have sensory processing problems.

Something else to look into is food allergies/sensitivities and reflux. My youngest had reflux that went undiagnosed until he was over a year old. The very DAY we started him on reflux meds, he slept through the night for the very first time. That was Zantac. It quit working kinda soon, so then we got him on Prevacid. Just some ideas. (((hugs)))


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## TinyMama (Sep 4, 2007)

You don't say if your DS reverse cycles on purpose (as in, b/c you work FT) or not.

DD started reverse cycling a few weeks ago for no apparent reason. I started offering to nurse in a dark room during the day VERY frequently--like every hour and a half or so. After two days of constant offering, she finally began backing off the nighttime feedings. Now she's back to every 2-3 hours at night, which obviously isn't ideal, but it's better than it was.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendy1221* 
Finch, all 3 of my kids woke up A LOT at night. I never made the connection between the SPD and the night waking. That makes a lot of sense. All 3 of my kids have sensory processing problems.

Something else to look into is food allergies/sensitivities and reflux. My youngest had reflux that went undiagnosed until he was over a year old. The very DAY we started him on reflux meds, he slept through the night for the very first time. That was Zantac. It quit working kinda soon, so then we got him on Prevacid. Just some ideas. (((hugs)))

There were other clues to my ds's sensory issues other than not sleeping, but the ONLY reason I knew what I was looking at was because my sister did early intervention for 10 years, so I knew about sensory issues. We were very lucky to get a diagnosis early, and I am convinced that the early diagnosis and the counseling is the reason why we celebrated our 11th anniversary this year. Otherwise, I don't know if we'd have made it.

My ds had colic and reflux and food allergies as well.







: His first year was just baptism by fire. I am hoping with everything I have in me that this next baby is easier...BUT....if he's like ds, well then, at least we know this time, right?


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

While I wouldn't divorce over CIO, exactly, I would probably happily divorce a man who would threatend divorce over CIO, if that makes sense. Hopefully he was just pissed, but I'd be pretty upset to have divorce thrown in my face over daily parenting decisions.


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## aricha (Oct 21, 2007)

I just want to add some support and mention that making life-altering decisions while you are both sleep deprived is NOT the best route to go! Counsseling sounds like a great idea... I know when I have several nights of VERY interrupted sleep I am NOT rational and I can't make good decisions. Heck, I can't even decide what to make for dinner, and I might very well end up in tears if I am sleep-deprived enough.

My husband doesn't do a whole lot of night parenting for the baby, by our mutual decision... I can half-sleep through most nursings but not through him trying to put her to sleep without nursing... we all get more sleep this way. But he DOES do almost all the night parenting for the other kids and on the weekends he gets up early with the kids and lets me get some extra sleep. Also, if the baby is just plain awake in the middle of the night (occasionally she decides to be up for 2 hours for no apparent reason) he will get up with her. This morning the baby was up at 5:30, so they went on a father-daughter trip to Starbucks so I would be sane at home with the kids today. Maybe that is an option for you-- if he can have less inturrupted sleep, he can have earlier mornings and let you sleep later?

ETA: I know it always helps me to remember that we are _physiologically_ wired to respond to our baby crying in a way that husbands are not. Dr. Sears baby book has information about what mothers go through physiologically when their baby cries and why you are driven to go comfort your baby. No one but a baby's mother can understand the agony of listening to your baby cry for you. Husbands aren't bad people for not understanding this, they are not biologically designed to understand it.


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## snt88 (May 9, 2007)

I, too, could have written your post.







:*

hugs, hugs, hugs


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## ilikethedesert (Feb 4, 2004)

Sorry to hear the argument got so heated! I think you both should do your best to work through this however you need to- although I am too against CIO so I would stand strong there. Mine both nursed constantly. WIth the first dh thought is was sweet. With the second, he started sleeping in the other bed with dd1. Not the best arrangement, but at least he woke up less.

Remind him that this IS temporary. Your babe won't nurse forever and as annoying as the wake ups are, you will miss them in years to come. It's not worth divorcing over.


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## SaraGriffin (Nov 19, 2007)

Of course my husband's mother is a fan of the CIO technique, but we are not. I've managed to change his mind on it, although he's not a fan when Kaia refuses to sleep. Knowing your child is miserable isn't any good for your sleep, anyways.
We've found that sometimes taking her into the warm shower for a little bit is just what knocks her out for good, although it's a hassle at 2AM! She does wake several times a night still, but we nurse and she falls back asleep right away. I hope you can work something out, I think maybe if you set a nice bed up on the couch for DH he won't feel kicked out of the family bed.


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

Please try to find a time to talk with your DH w/o it turning into an arguement. There will be many, many parenting decisions that you'll need to make together until your child is grown and you two will need to find a way to work these things out. Everyone gets frustrated at one time or another, so try not to be too hard on your DH. I'm sure you wouldn't miss being woken up every hour or so all night long.

I just wanted to mention to you that if you do happen to divorce, that you will have much less control over how your little one is raised than if you stay married and work thru this (and future) difficult times. New parenthood is a HUGE adjustment for most couples.

If you split up and your husband has 1/2 custody and you have to go to work, how much will you be missing out on with your little one? It's something to seriously think about before you ever threaten the "D" word again,


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

part of the reason my ex and i divorced was because we could not solve our parenting differences. work this out now, with help, before it's too late.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MilkTrance* 
I would see if he could sleep in another room. Maybe not forever, but just for a few nights. It's amazing what two or three nights of sleep will do for a man's attitude.









And there are other things you could add in too if you wanted, which would help his attitude.

















:


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

When our ds1 was about 9 months old he would sleep for about 2 hours. Then he would wake every 45 minutes till it got to where he was waking every freaking 15 minutes and didn't sleep during the day. We got a twin mattress and put it on the floor in another room. Ds would start in there, I woudl nurse him to sleep. Then I would leave. Once he got to every 15 minutes I slept with him. Hubby stayed in our room.

While I can see not sleeping in the same bed I think it is wrong to ask your husband to leave. it is his bed too. I guess if he volunteers that is one thing but saying, well, go sleep on the couch would not have gone over well here.

We were able to get a "seconds" mattress for about 35 bucks. It was brand new but there were snags in the cover and one grease stain. Who cared!


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## Happily Blessed (Feb 19, 2007)

Life has improved since my last post here. I was so frustrated with everything that had happened. We have talked and talked about how we can make things change. I am rereading the NCSS book again and am really trying to implement some things. Such as not nursing to sleep and having a peaceful home prior to putting him to sleep.

Our main problem is that Sunday nights have been routinely bad around here. I really am not sure why. Yahootie naps at church after I nurse him but usually its for less than an hour. He also naps in the afternoon like usual. Maybe its the only day Daddy and I are together all day.

Both Dh and I work full time. Dh has him Tues, Thurs, Fridays because he works 12 hour shifts in surgery the other days. So it is imperative that he gets sleep on Sunday night for his Monday shift. I work 8 hours a day, M-Fri.

So since Yahootie was born I have done everything possible to make sure Dh gets his sleep. But the past few weeks I have asked him to rock him back to sleep after his 11:30 nursing. Then when Yahootie has new skills he is processing or teething it makes the night go on forever.

We are doing so much better. I have suggested earplugs and might do that for Dh. He has slept in the recliner with Yahootie when I have really needed an hour or two of sleep. But he won't sleep on the couch which is fine.

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I am so glad I can come on here and voice my hurts and get love, respect and suggestions. I am also glad I don't have to worry about Dh being bashed for our problems.

laural


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## EAGA (Feb 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy65* 
so sorry to hear you're suffering through this. everyone's marriage is different, of course, but all i can say is that once we clicked into survival mode and gave up trying to make our couple time feel like it did pre-kids, things got better. we decided to figure out how everyone could get as much sleep as possible and do it that way--- until things change. which, with babies, they always do. we've done it all--- co-sleep as a family, matress on the floor next to our bed, me in the kids' room on a floor matress, taking shifts at night, dad in the guest room kids with me, one kid with dad and baby with me, you name it. except cio. we don't have as much sex as we'd both like and it's been way too long since i've slept a full night next to my husband but, believe it or not, we've adapted. it's not forever and when everyone is a little better rested you'd be surprised how uch less fighting there is. i'm all for making changes when it's not working for the family, but there are lots of solutions if you can think outside the box and be willing to shift things around as the kids change and grow. i hope this helps. the sleep issue is HUGE. i love co-sleeping but i've had moments where i screamed that all those AP books i read should come with a warning label. good luck!


I agree!!! We have done it all as well! DH and I and dd now co-sleep. To be honest, at first I did not care for it. But now we all get a good night's sleep (most nights) and I LOVE being near dd during the night. Sleep is key...more sleep usually equals less tension in a marriage. DH and I were at eat others throats for a while, its so much better now!!!!!!!!! Good Luck btw, how old is your DC (maybe I missed it).


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I would consider the damage to a child from divorce to be a lot worse than the damage from CIO.

Divorce is forever. Your child's life has just begun. I know emotions about CIO run high here, but it is not the same as your husband wanting to beat your child or chain him in the basement. Please try to communicate and find common ground.


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