# Had miscarriages, now unable to be happy about this pregnancy



## Hikaru (Sep 1, 2002)

I have one son, age 33 months. Before him, I had two early miscarriages, around 6 or 7 weeks. I know lots of other women who lost pregnancies in the first ten weeks. I'm now about 5 weeks pregnant and the hardest thing is being afraid to
a) tell anyone, since I did tell people before and then had to go back and tell them about the miscarriages
and b) I can't even let myself get excited about this pregnancy yet, since I'm so afraid it isn't viable. I went to the doctor two weeks ago and although the test was positive, he couldn't see anything on the ultrasound except a thickening of my uterine lining.
I have all the symptoms of early pregnancy : irritability, nausea, sensitive boobs, lost my taste for coffee and beer. But it just doesn't feel real to me....I guess I may be denying the pregnancy as a way of protecting myself
emotionally?

Any support, suggestions. or sympathy would be very much appreciated.

Blessings,
Hikaru


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I'm in exactly the same situation myself at the moment. I'm 5 weeks & 1 day pregnant & am having a very hard time dealing with it. I have a 21 month dd but lost the 2 before her.

I've had 3 positive hpts & 2 blood tests so far to check my hcg levels are rising properly. So far so good. But I have to go for another one on tuesday which makes me so nervous. Then all going well, it's the 6 1.2 week scan to worry about next.

I really haven't got a clue how to deal with this. I always tell people ( when I'm not pregnant myself that is ) to relax as there is very little they can do about it anyways & stressing just makes it harder all round. I obssess about my symptoms. I am nauseous on & off already. My skin has gone all oily but in my last 3 pregancies it suddenly got totally perfect. I feel totally like a nervous wreck already & I've got 35 weeks to go.

So no real advice - just know you are not alone.


----------



## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

this is so hard, hugs to both of you

I've done all of the above myself - deny, celebrate, obsess over symptoms, you name it

what can you do? survive on an hour to hour basis as best you can

I believe in telling your closest people, because you'll need their support regardless, and looking after your wellbeing, whatever that looks like to you

and not comparing yourself to what others feel/do : feel what YOU feel, do what YOU need to

strong mama-baby vibes


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Hikaru, I see you're new at Mothering. A warm and gentle welcome to you.

This is a hard situation. I didn't tell many people I was pg with my son untill I was about 6 months along (it was getting a bit obvious then). I joked with dh that we'd just call everyone after he was born and tell them.

I think the disconnection you and OM are feeling is very normal. I wouldn't worry about bonding with the baby - that WILL happen. The feelings that this isn't real is you're bodies way of trying to protect you. Please, take some time to explore your feelings.

As for telling people. You'll have to decide what feels best for you. One thing to keep in mind is that if you do loose the baby, you'll need support. It's hard to backtrack and say "I was pregnant and lost the baby". You may want to consider telling a few people who are closest to you. This way you'll have someone to talk through you're feelings with.

Wishing you both the best. Please keep us posted and take care of yourselves. We're here to support you in any way we can.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I agree with Jacque, you may want to tell those closest to you so that they can support you no matter what... we only told a handfull of people, just those who were most supportive of us when we lost our daughter.

That, and I made a post here on MDC







to let all the ladies here who had supported me know that we were in some new territory... the response I recieved was heartwarming, there is a lot of love and support here for you. Don't think you are imposing on anyone, we are here to offer each other the support that comes from having walked such a difficult path.

I know that there are a few of us on the 'I'm Pregnant' board that have had losses and we are just counting the days till we hit 12 weeks so we can start getting excited about being pregnant. However, a lot of ladies also do this that have never had a loss. I think it's just a natural response to the very consious knowledge that we do not have control over something so precious to us... so we just do the best we can, and try not to stress (yeah right).

You do have my sympathy, when you have had a loss 40 weeks seems like an eternity, and I know that we all can't wait to hold our children safely in our arms.

XM


----------



## Hikaru (Sep 1, 2002)

It's wonderful to hear from all of you, the support means so much!
I feel guilty even bringing up my fears and anxieites and sense of loss after two such early miscarriages. My pain couldn't possibly
come close to that of several Moms I know who lost babies at 15, 20, even 37 weeks. In fact, my Mom even tried to "snap me out of it" by saying something like, , "Well it wasn't even a real baby yet, if it weren't for the ultrasound you wouldn't even have known!"
Harsh, but she did have a point...until recently women had to wait till much later in the pregnancy to be sure. Now with accurate home tests and ultrasound we are getting excited so much earlier and then many of us end up disappointed.

Xiola's mama, cool, your signature is a Perry Farrel quote, that's awesome!


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Your mom was wrong, you did lose a baby. You lost the chance to meet that person, to share a life with that person. I am sorry that she invalidated your feelings. You have every right to grieve, even an early loss. Many people may try to deny the enormity of your loss because it is painful for them themselves to acknowledge it... I am sure your mother said what she did in an effort to protect you from your grief, and her own.

If only that were possible.

And yes, we do learn about pregnancies sooner nowadays, catching losses that might have been dismissed as a late period 10 or 20 years ago. But one person's loss, one person's grief cannot be quantified against that of another person. Everyone has a different situation.

While one woman may shrug off an early miscarriage as 'sad, but it must have been meant to be', another may be devastated, especially if she was already very attached to the pregnancy. Either response is right for the woman having it, if she is coming from an honest place with it.


----------



## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been there and all I can really say is that your baby is counting on life--not death. For now, all you can do is side with the baby and encourage it to make it through this scary phase.

I took a great sigh of relief when I got out of my first trimester. Our innocence has been taken, hasn't it?

I'll think of you and send you warm, supportive thoughts my friend.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

XM you said that all so well, thank you.

I lost my dd's twin early on (about 4/5 weeks). Then felt really sick a few weeks later. They thought I needed a D&C and found dd's beautiful heartbeat.

So many people tell me how lucky I am that I didn't have twins - they go on and on about how difficult it would have been and such. But, I miss my other baby the joy's he or she would have brought to our family. This was a life that My husband and I created and that life ment something.

Always remember the child you lost. Yes, it'll make you sad at times.

Take care and know we're here if you need us.


----------



## jtsmom (Nov 19, 2001)

I lost a baby too, at 13 1/2 wks. When I got pg with both of my kids, I didn't tell anyone I was until about 16-18 wks. I was *guardedly optimistic* but really tried to get on with my life and put the pregnancy out of my mind. This was easier with my 2nd, since taking care of the big brother took up a lot of my time. I really just lead a normal healthy life, went to see the midwife, etc but didn't think about the baby much, it was too scary. And I didn't make plans or get ready for the baby until the last 3 months.

I also told everyone all about my pg the first time, then had to go back and tell everyone about the m/c. It was very difficult to go into with people I really wasn't close to.

My prayers are with you and welcome to MDC!


----------



## irksten (Apr 2, 2002)

Had two m/cs had a dd now 23 months and am 9 weeks in and was told after 2nd u/s on Friday that the embryo has not grown and the heart beat has stopped.

It has been comforting to have my dd, and to cuddle and breast-feed her.

But it still sucks and it IS a loss, it is hard not to dream of your future. I send you good vibes and wish you an uneventful 8 months.

Now I just wait for the bleeding to come.
Kirsten c


----------



## Hikaru (Sep 1, 2002)

Kirsten, you and the baby are in my prayers.
Many blessings to you.


----------



## MossbackMeadow (Nov 1, 2002)

Kristin,
Yes, that really does suck. As someone who has been there, all I can say is take care of yourself, hug your living baby, feel all your cramps, take walks, find a shoulder to cry on, and do something to commemorate this baby -- plant a tree, whatever.
Hugs to you.
Mossback


----------



## Hikaru (Sep 1, 2002)

I just wanted to give you an update and let you know I miscarried on Wednesday night. I'm disappointed but surprisingly OK. If you could spare some prayers for the little soul that has decided to go ...well, somewhere else, I would really appreciate it. Whatever your spiritual tradition, that would mean a lot to me.

And while you're at it, give your kids an extra hug and tell them you love them. This is really reminding me how blessed I am to have my son.

Thanks to all who offered support. I'm so glad to know you are out there.

Hikaru


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

Hikaru I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself. Sending you a massive hug







& I will say a prayer for your lost angel.


----------



## MossbackMeadow (Nov 1, 2002)

Oh Hikaru. Why does this happen. I'm so sorry. Give yourself time to grieve. All that cramping and bleeding and no little one to hold at the end of it.

Emmaline - are you out there? How are you?

Love from Mossback


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Hikaru, wishing many blessings on you're little soul. You and you're family will be deep in my thoughts.

I'll light a candle tonight in your babies honor.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Keep yourself hydrated and try to get some rest. Miscarriage takes a lot out of both body and soul. Be gentle with yourself.

Gently,

Jacque


----------



## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

Dear Hikaru

so sorry to here about your loss

I will light a candle for the little soul and for you too

get plenty of rest


----------



## susan61 (Sep 14, 2002)

Hikaru,









So sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. All you mamas out there, sending you light and love.


----------



## Hikaru (Sep 1, 2002)

Thank you all so much, your support and prayers mean a lot.
I am lucky, I do have a little one to hold (my son) and as I said, I am really reminded what a great gift he is. I'm doubly lucky that, at almost 3, he's still little enough that he still likes to cuddle.
Nursing him is an added blessing. At this time it totally restores my faith in my body and in the universe.

Hugs to you all, too, and again, thanks.

Hikaru


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Hikaru, you're a special person. I'm only sorry that your little soul could not find a way into your arms.

I know what you mean about nursing. It was a HUGE healing for me too when it felt like my body wasn't working elsewhere.

Again, please take care of yourself. You've lost some blood and you're body needs some iron rich foods to renew itself.

Still sending healing vibes to you and your family.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing... you have been in my thoughts and I am glad to hear that you are doing OK. Please do take care of yourself... I know it's hard to do when you have a small child!

Have you had a chance to read the article two magazines ago in Mothering? It was about miscarriage. I especially like the spirit baby piece... Ms.Mom, would she be able to find it on the website? I have not heard anyone say that they were not touched and comforted by these articles.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'll check on that XM. I think most back articles are.


----------



## irksten (Apr 2, 2002)

It seemed like you knew what was going on before it happened. I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain again.

I am still waiting to miscarry Hikaru even though I posted my loss before you.

The wonders of modern technology let me know nearly a month ago that the embryo had died yet I still have not had any bleeding or heavy cramping.

I am beginning to think about adoption just to not have to get pregnant again. We will see how I recover.

peace and strength to you, Kirsten

Mom to Althea 11/30/00 and three spirit babies


----------

