# LOVE FLOODING has been working for difficult times :)



## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

Hi GD Mamas,
I just wanted to share with you something that has worked for me in issues with my 3.5 active ds because in difficult times, I realized I was just trying to get through the day and provide the basics my kids needed in a gentle way. We snuggle when things are calm, we give hugs and kisses at the usual time, and we talk & treat our kids respectfully. But during the really tough times, it felt like there would be a downward spiral that had less of that and more battling.

So instead of turning to discipline, even gentle discipline, I turn to what I call an extreme overload of love medicine and it works! When my ds goes through really tough transitions (and usually it is because he's testing or going through a growth spurt), I FLOOD him with love and affection. I let him know that no matter what happens I love him. I call him "my love" ALL the time. I constantly tell him I love him, and I hug & touch him as much as I can. And I play a game called, "I love you when..." and I name 20 or more different things. I'll say "I love you when you laugh. I love you when you cry." "I love you when you play your friends. And I love you if you hit your friends." This last one may seem hard to say, but my message is that no matter what he does he will get unconditional love from me. (Of course in the actual situations, I teach him that we don't hit friends.) And I always end with, "No matter what, no matter what, I will always, always love you." He beams and asks to play again!

This is hard to do when he's pushing those buttons. But when I do a flooding of love, he turns into a secure loved child again. He realizes he can test me but he starts working with me more rather than battling me. When I let him know my love is more than 100%, I can see that he FEELS better. When he feels better, he starts acting better.

I just wanted to share this because it's been really amazing for our family and mostly my relationship with my son. My dh doesn't do it as much as I do, but then he's not there a majority of the day to deal with the daily stuff.

Love to all you Mamas out there - you all seem like such amazing women.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

It can be hard to "feel the love" during the daily stuff sometimes. I try to do this when DD and I get in a downward spiral. Unfortunately, today, due to my own issues (sleep deprivation, wrist injury, etc.), I had trouble stepping back and showering her with love. DH helps me regroup sometimes.

We had a hard day, DD and I, but I've managed to get out of my downward spiral and flood DD with love this evening. Things are getting back on track and peaceful and fun again.

Thanks for the post - what a wonderful reminder.

BTW, welcome to MDC.


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## hippiemum21580 (Jul 14, 2007)

That is so awesoem that it is working for you! I have to do this with my 4 year old at times too. ANY form of discipline, even GD oftentimes is met head on with anger and obstinance with him so I do teh same thing, flooding him with love so to speak and it really works. It can be hard when I do it in front of others and they think i am some pansy pushover spoiling my son and rewarding negative behavior but if it works for us....... I just don't care. Ya know, I think we all need that at times. When I am having a real bad day and am being snippy, oh how my heart is crying out to just be understood and maybe held or hugged or something. Its called being human!


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## peachpie (Jan 25, 2007)

Thanks for a wonderful post! I have taken a similar approach with my 4 yo dd at times and it really does lift our spirits. I realized this one day when dd pointed out that we should just "snuggle in bed and read books all day-- then we would never fight!"

That last hour before bed is a time that we rarely ever have disagreements. It's when she really gets to relax and "tank up" on affection. And she's right, throughout the day we get too busy and distracted to provide that same level of re-connection. Great reminder!


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## J-Bean (Feb 3, 2007)

Thank you for posting this. It hadn't occurred to me!


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## Rachel J. (Oct 30, 2005)

Thanks for this post, it's exactly what I needed to hear right now. I'm having the most difficult time I've ever had with my 3.5 yo ds and have not been handling it well. I know he's going through developmental changes and testing but it's still just so hard to remain "together." I usually lose it when he intentionally hurts the baby for the umpteenth time and end up giving him the loving snuggles AFTER I've lost control and yell or grab







I'm feeling really out of control and rather depressed about it right now and I know that he senses it which just makes it worse. I will definitely try this and I hope that, even if he doesn't behave perfectly, he'll feel that security and connection that is lacking right now.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

Hi GD Mamas,
I just wanted to share with you something that has worked for me in issues with my 3.5 active ds because in difficult times, I realized I was just trying to get through the day and provide the basics my kids needed in a gentle way. We snuggle when things are calm, we give hugs and kisses at the usual time, and we talk & treat our kids respectfully. But during the really tough times, it felt like there would be a downward spiral that had less of that and more battling.

So instead of turning to discipline, even gentle discipline, I turn to what I call an extreme overload of love medicine and it works! When my ds goes through really tough transitions (and usually it is because he's testing or going through a growth spurt), I FLOOD him with love and affection. I let him know that no matter what happens I love him. I call him "my love" ALL the time. I constantly tell him I love him, and I hug & touch him as much as I can. And I play a game called, "I love you when..." and I name 20 or more different things. I'll say "I love you when you laugh. I love you when you cry." "I love you when you play your friends. And I love you if you hit your friends." This last one may seem hard to say, but my message is that no matter what he does he will get unconditional love from me. (Of course in the actual situations, I teach him that we don't hit friends.) And I always end with, "No matter what, no matter what, I will always, always love you." He beams and asks to play again!

This is hard to do when he's pushing those buttons. But when I do a flooding of love, he turns into a secure loved child again. He realizes he can test me but he starts working with me more rather than battling me. When I let him know my love is more than 100%, I can see that he FEELS better. When he feels better, he starts acting better.

I just wanted to share this because it's been really amazing for our family and mostly my relationship with my son. My dh doesn't do it as much as I do, but then he's not there a majority of the day to deal with the daily stuff.

Love to all you Mamas out there - you all seem like such amazing women
FANTASTIC POST OP!!

We do this too! Right down to the "I love you when" and our very verbal 26 month dd really "gets it" !!

I agree with your post 100% !! It is amazing to see how much it *works* in our family


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

I just want to say thank you for posting this. I needed it right now and will put it into practice with my son tonight (actually by the time I got back to posting this I already did). He needs this and so do we.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

We play the "I love you when..." game too.

And the other day when I was mad as DS for something, he looked at me and smiled warmly and said with confidence "Mommy, even when you're mad at me, you still you love me."








:

Slowly but surely, one love filled step at a time, we're getting there.


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## lbp215 (Mar 17, 2006)

Thank you so much for your post!







I am new here...learning the community and my DS is almost 3...this will work wonders. It's amazing how often I forget that during the course of a busy day to hug and snuggle and cuddle with him. And to tell him I love him. I can see how this will work already and I'm excited to use it. Thanks mama!


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## gribbit (Aug 30, 2004)

What a great post! I feel really inspired by what you do. Its so easy for me to lose sight of how important this is, especially when dd is pushing my buttons. I will be thinking of this post often today. Thanks!

michelle


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## pradiata (Jul 4, 2004)

Thanks for posting this. We do the same thing too, in our own way, when I can pull myself back out of the spiral and remember to do it. I think it was last night (or the night before? it all blends together!) 4 1/2 yo ds, dh and I were all in cranky, no-way-we-can-get-along moods. DS retreated to a corner where he was simmering and griping and I *finally* got back to being a mama and started singing him our "I love you like the ____ is ____" song which we fill in with "sky" is "blue", "table" is "messy", whatever's going on at the time. So I was singing away like a fool for a few minutes, no responses, when I paused in the middle of a line and a soft little voice from the corner chimed in, and after that everything turned around and we were able to get close and snuggly and have a fun evening. Sometimes I just want to burst into tears at the sweet and forgiven nature of young children.


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## jaimita (Aug 1, 2007)

such a good idea. thank you for sharing. i am hating the downward spiral!


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## zeldah (Mar 29, 2003)

Thank you so much for posting this. I don't know how to do it without making my older ds jealous, but they do both love their morning hugs. So I think it will at least get a positive response, even if it doesn't work the magic I need right now.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
It can be hard to "feel the love" during the daily stuff sometimes. I try to do this when DD and I get in a downward spiral. Unfortunately, today, due to my own issues (sleep deprivation, wrist injury, etc.), I had trouble stepping back and showering her with love. DH helps me regroup sometimes.

Yeah, that sounds exactly like me. I need to do more of the love flooding. I just feel like I want to run for the hills instead sometimes. I will keep reminding myself of the OP's post in difficult times!


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## sciencemommy (Apr 4, 2007)

Rachel J.

I just wanted to reply to your post. One of things I fall into again and again is questioning myself as a parent and thinking I am just a teribble mom. I feel like the only moms I know have quiet, laid-back kids and they just have no idea what it's like to have a sensitive child like mine. I wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel- losing control, having your spirited child drive you past the point of no return- and I am sure you are wonderful mommy!

Danaoc- Thanks so much for the reminder to just love our difficult kids. That's really the only thing that seems to work anyway!


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## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

I do this with my students (to a point where it is appropriate, of course). I've had some very challenging 3rd and 4th graders that I've been able to form wonderful relationships with by pouring as much love into them as I can. Other teachers are amazed at how well I can get through to these kids.


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## Hannahsmummy (Oct 12, 2006)

Thanks for the awesome post!

It is something that we do as well but it's always good to be reminded, especially when it gets tough. When you are feeling angry it can be SO hard to let that go and be loving. Thanks so much for reminding of the power of that.


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## ladybugchild77 (Jun 18, 2004)

What a wonderful post...I am sure my 2yo will benefit from your wisdom.







:


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.


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## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

Hello lovely mamas,
OP here. I'm SO happy you found this helpful. It warms my heart to know other Mamas out there have been doing it too







Just to follow up - this has continued to be amazing for us! We have so much fewer tantrums and battles after putting love flooding into practice. My mantra in the very moment is, "Flood or fight? Flood or fight?" It's not always an easy choice because sometimes my original thought is "I need to be right. I am the parent. He's challenging my authority." But you know what? It's not about that for me anymore. It's about guiding him and loving him and showing him how things can be done.

This is not to say I let my child walk all over me. But there are less battles when we work together. And it was a TRANSITION getting him used to this. I realized he had his own thing going on in his head - he had gotten used to putting up a fight. But now, he's understanding we can find solutions that work for both of us. He trusts me more to teach him because I'm not coming from a place of trying to control him.

I owe this work to Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting. This transformed my default parenting style, which would have been to control my child with rewards, punishments, and unnatural consequences.

Now our house is filled with love. Every day parenting can be challenging, but I feel SO fortunate that I have been given this gift early when my relationship with my kids has a chance to be strong and unconditionally loving before they face the obstacles, judgments, and pressures in the real world.
Love to you all!


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## Adele_Mommy (Jun 28, 2007)

Thank you for posting this wonderful, inspiring message! We use GD and I try to make sure I say and show my dd my unconditional love for her frequently, but I have not tried "love flooding" and it sounds great. I will have to check out the Unconditional Parenting book as well.


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## spirit4ever (Nov 4, 2004)

Thank you for this post, I really appreciated it







I really haven't done love flooding, but I'm definately going to try!!!!!


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *truemists* 
Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.

ITA! I don't have any kids, but the first thing I thought is that this works with my husband too when he's cranky!


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## cheygirl (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aquarian* 
ITA! I don't have any kids, but the first thing I thought is that this works with my husband too when he's cranky!

yep...my first experience with 'love flooding' was when DH did it with me!! And it does work....usually







!


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## MidgeMommy (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *truemists* 
Ya'll will laugh but this works with my DH too! He is very argumentative and sensitive and when he gets going, he really rants. You can't reason with him at those times. But if you just start to "love flood" him his grown-up tantrums are totally diffused! I can totally see how it could work with a kidlet too.


You might be on to something...now I just have to be mature enough (and remember to keep my cool) to try it...

Wish me luck.







:


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

I would LOVE to hear more about specifically how you mamas are doing this at *those* moments when all heck is breaking loose!

I too have done the "I love you when&#8230;" game (unfortunately usually in the days after I lose my cool), and I make it a point to frequently tell dd "I love you a lot - all the time", but as someone who didn't learn to express love very comfortably as a kid myself, I'd love some concrete examples of what y'all are doing and saying. Sometimes when I repeat "I love you" it starts to feel insipid and I think she starts to get bored with it instead of nourished.


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## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

Excellent points Mariamaroo!
I was just reading in Unconditional Parenting yesterday (my 4th time re-reading it and I can't recommend it enough) that the message "I love you" has to be as much through action as through the words itself. Kids can pick up on our comfort with it and they also can question it if our actions don't follow it.

In those moments of confrontation, it is so difficult. The following works for me:
1. He wants to do one thing. I need him to do another. I say, "What else can we figure out?" I work with him to find something that works for both of us.

2. He cries over something I've done. As silly/crazy it may seem, I let him know "I get it. You wanted this instead. What can we do here?"

3. He does something that doesn't work for me. I let him know exactly that. "Honey, throwing that in the house doesn't work for me. I need our environment to be safe. Can you throw this ball outside?"

4. And if I do get to a point where he's pushed me too far because hey, I'm human. It happens. I let him see it. I calm myself down as much as I can. I'll take a break and let him know, "I need to take a quick break right now." And run to the bathroom to breathe







Then I make amends. I explain. "I was really upset when that happened. I see that you felt mad at 'whatever.' It's okay to feel that. It's okay for me to feel upset too. I'm sorry we fought. I love you no matter what. Do you want to tell me what you saw or felt?"

I find if I do the first 3 as much as possible, I end up needing to do the last one the least.
HTH


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## robinkate (May 5, 2005)

I've been trying this with my daughter and she loves it. We call it the "I love you" game. The problem is, she wants me to keep going and going and thinking of more times that I love her, and after a while I run out of ideas and energy (but not love, of course). How do you end the game? Do you just keep going until DC is tired of it?


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## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

Wow, how sweet Robinkate! I've never had that experience of my son wanting me to go on and on. I usually end the game with "No matter what, no matter what I always, always love you." At which point he says, "Do it again!" So we do it all over again and I repeat some of the same things.

I wonder if you could ask your dd for her input? Like, "I love you when...what?"
I did that with my son once and he said something that might have been on his mind. He said, "when I broke my train" and I didn't even remember that happening. So I replied, "Yes of course, I love you when you break your train." And it felt great because I thought that maybe he had that on his mind.


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## P-chan (Jan 23, 2004)

Here's our variation (works for my 4-year-old):

Me: I love you....as blue as the sky!
Him: I love you....as huge as the universe!
Me: I love you...as sour as a lemon!
Him: I love you....as stinky as POOP!
Etc. etc.

We'll often play in the car and the game just ends when we get to our destination. Sometimes I'll feed him unusual adjectives if he gets stuck.

My favorite one has been: "Mama, I love you as happy as a rose."


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

Thanks for the descriptions, Danaoc. I should read Playful Parenting again - I am not very good at being goofball, and sometimes I feel that I just don't have it in me at that moment; maybe a re-read of that book would help.

Sometimes dd (almost 4) says 'no you don't' when I say I love her. I'm never sure whether this is verbalizing a fear of hers, or simply 3-year old contrariness or what. It freaks me out some.

The book "Guess How Much I Love You" was one of my inspirations for the 'I love you when&#8230;' game; Robinkate maybe you could read that with your daughter to help her get the idea of back and forth with you so you don't run out of ideas or energy before she does.

Right now I'm attempting to maintain my cool and loving feelings towards dd despite the fact that *she will not go to sleep! And it's nearly 11pm!!!* Wish me luck!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

This is a great idea, mama. I'm going to put this into action with my kids the next time we're having a rough time (probably today!







).


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