# I hit my 3 yo tonight



## MovingMom (Jan 6, 2007)

UGH! What a nightmare bedtime was tonight and then I made it worse by hitting my 3 yo dd. I don't know what comes over me, but when she lashes out at 22 month old ds and hits him, my first reaction is to hit her the same way. I just fill with rage and protectiveness toward him b/c he is the baby. This is not the first time this has happened. It's just like a primal instinct in me and it just happens so fast, I can't stop it. I swore after the last time that I would never do it again, but here I am - I did it again. Of course, she cried and said I hurt her really bad and I tried to explain that it hurts me to see her hurt her little brother, etc etc. She's probably learning the behavior from me, her own mother! How do I stop this? There's no excuse for it, but honestly, it only happens when I'm at the end of my rope, home alone, tired, frustrated. I've been a single mom for 2 weeks now - dh is out of town and it is killing me!
I have the NVC book and several others - but who has time to read? I'm exhausted at night!
How do I make my first instinct to "hit back" go away?

Thanks.
and please no judgements - I already feel guilty enough.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I did the same when my ds was 3.







: Your heart willtake a while, but it will heal. and hers will too. I just want to send love to you.


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## kdegroo (Dec 11, 2006)

oh mama, i've done the same thing. today i yelled at dd in a way that if i saw someone else do i would think it was abusive...

we aren't perfect







and you aren't alone.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I had this problem too, but it wasn't because my (at the time) three year old was hitting a younger child, it was just my ingrained reaction and I was poorly armed with solutions for the situations I was in. Anyways, there's a book called "The No-Cry Discipline Solution" (Author: Elizabeth Pantley). It's wonderfully written. If you can't find a copy at your library and you can't afford to buy one, at the very least, take a trip down to the bookstore and quietly read page 227 to p230. HTH!


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## tjlucca (Jun 16, 2008)

I did it too. DD was in the throws of a HUGE tantrum. I was trying to get her in her car seat, she was kicking and hitting. She kicked me in the face and slapped me across the face. I snapped and hit her back. I had a mitten on and barely hit her, but felt HORRIBLE about it. I felt like I didn't deserve to be her mother. It happened so fast, the whole scene was maybe 30 seconds. I told her what i did was not okay and that I was very sorry. I just snapped.

Give yourself time to heal Mama. You will. She will too. There are two Amino Acid supplements, GABA and Glutimine. Together they help to calm the nervous system. and break down Cortisol (stress hormone) in the blood stream. This combo has provided much relief for me. Hugs to you Mama.


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## Dukey25 (Nov 19, 2006)

Since you already know your trigger I would think now about how you will respond next time.
I yell too much and while it is a process I try to plan my responses before hand and I find that helps. I am also more aware of things like being tired and hungry that makes me more likely to respond poorly.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Is there any way to put them to bed separately?

Or talk to your 3yo before bed time ritual starts and remind them hitting is not acceptable?

And it's time to put in a video and take a break during the day. Or get a babysitter or mother's helper--You need a break and this should be part of the solution to preventing another episode. Don't put your emotional reservoir last, put it first, because the better you feel, the better you parent.

Hang in there momma.

V


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Forgive yourself mama. Tomorrow is a new day.


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## water (May 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tjlucca* 
I did it too. DD was in the throws of a HUGE tantrum. I was trying to get her in her car seat, she was kicking and hitting. She kicked me in the face and slapped me across the face. I snapped and hit her back. I had a mitten on and barely hit her, but felt HORRIBLE about it. I felt like I didn't deserve to be her mother. It happened so fast, the whole scene was maybe 30 seconds. I told her what i did was not okay and that I was very sorry. I just snapped.

Wow, I was just coming to post this exact story. My 2nd child was maybe 3 months? I was getting DS (3yo) in the car seat and he was hitting and kicking me and slapped me in the face over and over and I slapped him back. Of course the whole time DD (3 months) was screaming and screaming because she hated the car...I feel your pain, sorry.

Walking away is the only advice I can give. Even if they follow you, even if they are screaming and you feel bad about it, you need to disengage. Come back in a few seconds to a few minutes and deal again, walking away again if necessary. Of course I have not always taken my own advice either, but I try really hard to.


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## koalove (Apr 18, 2007)

oh mama, i dont know how to tell you to go about making sure that doesnt happen again. it happens to the best of us. i know that anger response you are talking about. i feel it when ds hurts _me_. i have slapped his hands/feet when he hits or kicks me. it makes no sense. im about to have a new babe and im scared i might react aggressively when and if ds hurts the babe. i think its normal to physically protect your child~ and what to do when the one hurting your baby is your other baby? i dont know. you have your plate full right now. just resolve to try again tomorrow. hugs!


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

: I'm sorry. I struggle with anger and the desire to slap/spank/smack/yell myself. The best thing that I have found that works, is to plan ahead. Do you know when her worst times of the day are? Mentally talk yourself through it. "I know my child will be cranky and tired and lashing out, so let's keep the baby occupied somewhere else out of arms reach for a few minutes while she settles." Something like that. Or even just talking to yourself about how you will respond when she lashes out at your 22mo. You already know she will do it, and you know how you have responded in the past, so you can tell yourself to do differently in future.

It's a journey, a struggle, and you are not alone!


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

...


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## KimL (May 16, 2009)

Maybe you need to visit someone about anger managment issues? I'm not being flip at all... there are many wonderful counselors out there to help you find a balance with aggression vs discipline. Also, please remember that SHE is also your BABY!


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rabbitmum* 

Her hitting her little brother is a completely different issue that needs to be addressed in some other way - she's a child and you're a grown-up, so her hitting him and your hitting her are two completely unrelated things.

children can have instincts but adults cant? Enlighten us.

I would focus on the fact that hitting actually hinders the process of discipline, and not on the fact that other AP'ers are horrified about it.

Stick with the true facts of the story.


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

...


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

I'm always a mess when my Dh is away and do stupid semi psychotic things too.
It is just hard, for me dh is a stabilizer, hard to explain, he is like camomile...

Drink some calming teas, share them with kiddos who miss daddy too. Try to take yourself out for a semi selfish treat... something that can include the kids like getting dessert out... where some of that work falls on someone else...
get on the Phone and talk a long time with someone close, sibling, friend, or Dh... and take a nap when they do if you can....

Strive to fill your tank... but also, don't back off too much..in that the hitting she does needs to stop, maybe you can sit with her and talk about how hard it is for you to control the implse so you can understand how hard it is for her to control it, but that both of you need to work hard to stop doing it... become a partner in learning impulse control with her.

Best luck


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rabbitmum* 
Am I wrong, or are you being a bit snarky in saying "enlighten us"? I don't know what's that all about.

A three-year-old is a small child, whereas a grown-up is responsible for her own actions. Most three-year-olds hit other people, hitting others is not "age-appropriate" for grown-ups.

Excusing one's own wrong actions by saying to oneself that they're instinctual can be an effective hindrance to gaining control, that's all.

Since you picked my post as the one to quote, I assume that I am the person that you think is horrified? I'm not. Everybody makes mistakes. And of course other people's opinions shouldn't be the motive not to hit a child.

Hitting a child would be wrong even if it were the best discipline tool in the world.


No, I was not being snarky - I really do believe it _could_ be instinctual and I believe that there are other theorys out there than just one for why someone would hit someone else.

Its not really completley directed at you. Its also directed at the energy that "OMG this is so awful and that poor kid!" you can feel it around these posts.

What I see a a bit of an issue is that people who AP instantly often jump to the "OMG horror" place with others and dont treat the other adults with the peaceful kindness that they want to have idealized in their parenting. This creates a conflict.

Your last statment is your opinion - I am not saying that I do not share it because I do but I get kind of sick of how peoples opinions get posted as "fact" It is not a fact.

People need to be loved, not reprimanded. Children as well as adults. For every child who is hit, there is also an adult with an inner child that needs to be nurtured.


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
No, I was not being snarky - I really do believe it _could_ be instinctual and I believe that there are other theorys out there than just one for why someone would hit someone else.

Its not really completley directed at you. Its also directed at the energy that "OMG this is so awful and that poor kid!" you can feel it around these posts.

What I see a a bit of an issue is that people who AP instantly often jump to the "OMG horror" place with others and dont treat the other adults with the peaceful kindness that they want to have idealized in their parenting. This creates a conflict.

Your last statment is your opinion - I am not saying that I do not share it because I do but I get kind of sick of how peoples opinions get posted as "fact" It is not a fact.

People need to be loved, not reprimanded. Children as well as adults. For every child who is hit, there is also an adult with an inner child that needs to be nurtured.









I agree with this. I also think that when adults reach a certain level of exhaustion (the OP said she's been alone with the kids for 2 weeks), we adults can have diminished impulse control. To me, the urge to protect a younger child when an older one is hitting her/him IS almost instinctive. It is hard to see a younger child being hit by an older one.

I've recommended a book on anger management many times. When Anger Hurts Your Kids. It is a great book based on cognitive behavioral management.

But to the OP, I understand it may be hard to find the time to read an entire book right now! So, right now--one of the best points in the book is about how to minimize stress in your life. How to take care of yourself. Are you getting enough sleep? any sleep? Can you give yourself a break at that "witching hour"--bedtime-- and put on a video? Or maybe a cd of lullabies or classical music and slow dance with the kids? Or put the kids in the tub together with some lavender scented oils and then get in there with them and sing silly songs?

It would be ideal if you could plan a break for yourself, without the kids. But that may not be possible. The times my husband has been away, or working late, I have planned fun things that I enjoy doing, but I have included the kids. Not just things the kids like, but activities I truly enjoy. Nature hikes, storytimes, get togethers with friends.

HTH.


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## Kindermama (Nov 29, 2004)

Check in with your Self. Breathe......focus on your breath, calm your belly, then ACT. Separate your children. Hug your little one and take your older one on your lap and says something along the lines of "Are you feeling angry? You really wanted the toy that Baby wanted? or whatever the case may be" Just validate. First validate your own Self!


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## MammaV (Jul 13, 2002)

A book I've enjoyed is "how to behave so your preschooler will too" by Sal Severe. All though not exactly mainstream GD, it is full of ideas on how to parent in a gentle manner without using punishments.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaV* 
A book I've enjoyed is "how to behave so your preschooler will too" by Sal Severe. All though not exactly mainstream GD, it is full of ideas on how to parent in a gentle manner without using punishments.

what an awesome title!!!


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I feel your pain. I know exactly what you mean -- it's almost a reflex even more than just instinct to protect your LO. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, other than what others have posted. It's really just about getting your head in front of your actions so you can think before you act. I have lots of trouble with this, too!

But please know that your DD will always know you love her. These few instances won't destroy your relationship with her the ways years of constant abuse would. (Disclaimer: I'm NOT advocating even occasional spanking here, just sharing my personal experience.) My mom is my best friend. I have always had a great relationship with her. And she spanked us whenever "necessary." And washed our mouths out with soap when the occasion "called for it." I'm not much on spanking, but I'm just saying that she used those discipline techniques with us and it didn't harm our relationship. So a few slips from you in heated situations won't harm yours. Please go easy on yourself. Mothering is tough work, and stressing about this is only going to add to your tension.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GradysMom* 
maybe you can sit with her and talk about how hard it is for you to control the implse so you can understand how hard it is for her to control it, but that both of you need to work hard to stop doing it... become a partner in learning impulse control with her.

Best luck

I think that this is a wonderful suggestion. Brainstorm with each other on how you can support each other in controlling the hitting urge. And when she sees you working on it (or just hears you talk about how you're working on it), she'll probably focus more on herself too.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
No, I was not being snarky - I really do believe it _could_ be instinctual and I believe that there are other theorys out there than just one for why someone would hit someone else.

*Its not really completley directed at you. Its also directed at the energy that "OMG this is so awful and that poor kid!" you can feel it around these posts.
*

*What I see a a bit of an issue is that people who AP instantly often jump to the "OMG horror" place with others and dont treat the other adults with the peaceful kindness that they want to have idealized in their parenting. This creates a conflict.
*
Your last statment is your opinion - I am not saying that I do not share it because I do but I get kind of sick of how peoples opinions get posted as "fact" It is not a fact.

People need to be loved, not reprimanded. Children as well as adults. For every child who is hit, there is also an adult with an inner child that needs to be nurtured.









I agree with everything in this post except the bolded. When a mother on this site admits a mistake I don't think I have ever caught negative energy from other MDC moms. Mostly just compassion and support. Even if we have never personally hit, I think all of us can understand the desire to hit.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, I do believe my own mother did this a few times. Now, I'm a grown up and I _looooove_ her SO much! We are terribly close.

Now I've never hit (so far) but I have had to remove my DSS from my DSD because there have been two incidences where he's become angry and acted out physically by jumping on her and hitting her. I had to intervene and pick him up physically from her and sit him down on the sofa to recover and calm down.

I really - gosh - I can't say this enough - don't think you are a bad person. Yes, sure, adults are adults and children are children, but we're all human and we have to be able to fogive ourselves as well as ask frogiveness from others. Not doing so is going to cause more harm than good. As with any lesson, now is the time to learn a different way of doing things. As long as you learn, you grow. As long as you grow, all is, in the greater scheme of things, progressing well









Your daughter will be okay. Your relationship will be a-okay. You are not a murderess!

*HUGE hugs* XXXXX


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## dziwozony (Aug 27, 2006)

just posting to give you support. my DS2 is 5mo now & whenever my 2yo gets rough with him, i find myself really responding unreasonably sometimes. i guess it's the mama bear in me, protecting my babe. but it's true what someone else said- the older one is the babe too!

i've also realized that i would be a really lousy single mum & give those who manage it soooo much credit. i'm heavily dependant on the breaks my partner gives me when he takes over watching our toddler. i've definitely flipped out at DS1 before & acted in ways i'm ashamed of. but when it's over, i apologize to him for my behavior & explain why i was frustrated. then i remind myself that i can't do it again. and then i forgive myself! because that's all you can do- move forward & try to parent more positively the next time it happens.

deep breaths can really help! or just completely leaving the room for a moment, growl & stomp your feet if you need to, then come back hopefully a bit calmer. one time DS1 threw something at me that *really* hurt...i wanted to hit him back! but instead i quickly went outside, shut the door, yelled out, took some deep breaths, then came back in. i find it really helpful!


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## marlee (Aug 29, 2005)

...


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## Smirkin (Jun 16, 2008)

I am reading this thread with interest because I have a 6m old, and more than once in her short life I have had such a strong urge to use physical force when I get to the end of my rope, usually at night when she Just. Won't. Sleep. I haven't done it but man it's a powerful urge sometimes.

I thought I was some kind of horrible person because of these thoughts, but now I see that maybe I'm not the only one, maybe it's actually normal?? I want to say thanks to the OP for posting this, and thanks to the responders for what mostly seems like very useful advice. I, too, am alone with the baby for the 60 hours/week or so that DH works, so I think that the focus on making sure I'm taking care of me is probably spot on.

Anyway, I guess I'm another mom saying you're not alone in feeling your responses to your kids are not always what you want them to be. On the one hand, maybe our expectations for ourselves are too high, but on the other hand, I think it has to be that way - nothing but the best for our babes, right?


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