# Reluctant handwashing and consequences



## Sconnie (Oct 19, 2005)

I'm being driven to distraction by my three year old's refusal to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She loves playing with water, so why is she digging her heels in about washing her hands?!?!

I've tried several approaches -- fancy cartoon-character soap, "forgetting" how to wash my hands and asking her to show me, washing her hands with a washcloth, having her show a stuffed animal how she washes her hands, telling her "whatever you do, definitely DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS, etc. They all work for a couple days and then we're back to no handwashing.

Now I just basically refuse to do anything with her until she washes her hands. "I play with girls with clean hands," I say. Especially since we've been passing a stomach virus around the family recently.

Today there's a easter egg hunt in a nearby park. I think she would like it a whole lot. I tell her that when we are all ready to go, we can go to the hunt. But again she's gone to the bathroom and refused to wash her hands. I keep telling her that if she is ready in time, we can go. It's six minutes til the egg hunt, and I can see we're going to miss it. I'm frustrated because I think she would have had a blast at the hunt.

What do you think about this approach? Good, bad?


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## jenners26 (Mar 16, 2008)

I think missing a once-a-year, fun Easter egg hunt because she won't wash her hands is seriously over the top. Can't you compromise and help her use a baby wipe or something instead if it's such a huge deal that she wash her hands. She's only three....a punishment like that isn't going to register with her yet anyway.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenners26* 
I think missing a once-a-year, fun Easter egg hunt because she won't wash her hands is seriously over the top. Can't you compromise and help her use a baby wipe or something instead if it's such a huge deal that she wash her hands. She's only three....a punishment like that isn't going to register with her yet anyway.

This is what I think to. She isn't at an age where she can understand time yet. Can you go in with her and wash hands with her too. We used to do bubble races. If you can't do that then get her some hand sanitizer and be happy that she is using something.


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## Susan600 (Apr 2, 2009)

I know this is something she definitely needs to be doing but I think you are making too big a deal about it in her eyes, she may see that she is getting lots of attention if she doesn't wash her hands because of your reaction. I think maybe you should still try to reward her when she does wash her hands, wash hands together a little while longer. See how you get on, good luck!


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## jtbuko (Sep 28, 2006)

We tried the special soap too, but it drove me batty because the kids were so exited about it they used it very wastefully.

I have had good luck with fun hand washing songs. You can make up your own silly songs or there are some nice ones to be found online. I am on a yahoo group moderated by another MDC mom and she sends out a file of cute ones every so often.

Good luck!


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I think she may be digging in her heels on this one because you're making such a big thing out of it. If it were me, I'd drop it. If you really feel the hands must be washed, you might just lead her to the sink and do it for her, or get them with a baby wipe. I think that with 3 year olds especially, the more you want them to do something, and the harder you try with bribes or threats to get them to do it, the LESS likely they are to do it.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

I think many 3 year olds CAN be expected to wash their hands. My 4 year old daughter did and my 19 month old has for a few months, and says "wash hands, wash hands!" But that doesn't mean all 3 year olds will do this. They all dig their heels in about one issue or another. So in OP's case, I'd say use hand sanitizer.

My 4 year old learned her obsesive hand cleaning habits from potty training videos, her adored grandfather, and me (of course.) T.V. discussions on germs really stuck with her, so she preaches her own gospel about microscopic germs, and asks people "Did you wash this???" before she eats things. (A little scary, I know....) However, it sounds like OP's daughter might not be influenced by the examples of kids on videos, and maybe she won't even be influenced by the teaching of someone she adores. Still....some people won't use hand sanitizer on children (or adults) for safety reasons. If the hand sanitizer isn't an option, then perhaps the only choice is to hang in there mama, and make sure she washes her hands a few times a day. Personally, hand washing is a big issue for me; I can not stomach the idea that people don't wash their hands after they use the toilet. For that reason, I don't even touch doors in public restrooms without holding a paper towel or something. Perhaps I wouldn't tie this issue to rewards or losing privilages. But I would stand by the door and insist hands were washed before DC leaves the bathroom, or I would help her do it, until she realized it wasn't worth the battle-- it just has to be done. That might take a week, a few weeks, perhaps a month. But don't worry OP....don't give up. She'll get used to it eventually, and the habit will probably stick with her her entire life.

xoe


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

It's not clear to me if she is refusing to wash her hands by herself or if she refuses to do it at all, even with your help.

If it's the former, I would go in and wash hands with her, that way she is getting your attention _and_ getting the job done.

If it's the latter, I would try a sticker reward system. Put a calendar or picture or on the wall and buy some stickers (they don't have to be fancy - those shiny colored stars would work) and tell her every time she washes up, she can use her clean hands to put a sticker on the calendar (or picture). Many times a little thing like that can be a HUGE incentive to a child. Good luck!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

How about instead of asking her to wash her hands... let her play with the water for a few minutes with a little soap to make bubbles?

Missing a big, fun event because she didn't wash her hands doesn't really make sense to me. I can't really see how the two are interconnected very well so I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to understand it any better.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Yup, I'd go for the hand sanitizer.

I just wanted to gently remark that although there obviously is a link between handwashing and a number of illnesses, I'd be careful about making your daughter feel like stomach flu in the family is her fault. Just a thought from someone who had an OCD mother.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

She's 3.

Maybe it's not so much a refusal to wash hands as just....forgetting to wash hands because she's only 3 years old.

All those methods you described in your OP worked for a few days, right? Well, maybe you are just going to have to use some variation of those methods for some time because she's only 3 years old.

A big part of parenting is saying the same thing over and over again. It doesn't mean the kids are purposely misbehaving, it just means they are kids who don't always pay attention.

My younger two are 9 and 6 and sometimes I'll still say "did you wash your hands?" when they come out of the bathroom. Heck, sometimes I ask if they flushed!

Missing an Easter Egg hunt is a huge punishment. My kids would have to do something pretty heinous to warrant that.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenners26* 
I think missing a once-a-year, fun Easter egg hunt because she won't wash her hands is seriously over the top. Can't you compromise and help her use a baby wipe or something instead if it's such a huge deal that she wash her hands. She's only three....a punishment like that isn't going to register with her yet anyway.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
I think she may be digging in her heels on this one because you're making such a big thing out of it. If it were me, I'd drop it. If you really feel the hands must be washed, you might just lead her to the sink and do it for her, or get them with a baby wipe. I think that with 3 year olds especially, the more you want them to do something, and the harder you try with bribes or threats to get them to do it, the LESS likely they are to do it.


I agree.

How about you back off and explain to her about germs? How some are good but it's important to wash your hands so that the bad ones go away? I mean, she's three. She won't die from not washing her hands. It's one thing if they are caked in feces, but she would probably want to wash them then.

Also, does she have any other issues with touching things or bathing? It could be a tactile sensory issue.


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## woodsymommyof3 (Mar 25, 2009)

Have you tried asking why she doesn't like washing her hands with soap?

I have a 13 yr old DD with sensory issues, especially related to scents. And I have a 7 year old Ds who is autistic. For my DD, it was as easy as getting unscented soap to use at home and hand sanitizer when she is out. For my DS, it was a problem with touching the soap to use it. But, when we were out someplace that had automatic soap dispensers, he liked using them. So, we bought a battery operated automatic soap dispenser for home and he's had no problems using it.

I know it is important to get her to wash her hands. But, I think not letting her go to the Easter festivities is a bit much.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

My dd went through that stage. I would watch her potty and for pretty clean pee wipes I wouldn't force it. Poop - either I wiped or she washed after.

I stopped fighting. She didn't get sick more than usual and the phase passed.

She now washes without reminder.

-Angela


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## VeezieTG (Nov 10, 2006)

i agree with pp who said its probably more of a 3 yo thing, than a washing hands thing. my 3 yo's thing to refuse to do is dress himself. just refuses. sometimes this includes pulling his pants up and down to potty. but i know that it won't always be like this, so i let it slide to a huge degree and basically trick him into dressing himself anyway.

i have had this hands washing issue before and i ignored it. i made sure he got his hands in soap and water several times a day, but i did't force the issue directly. i know my bathroom is clean and at the time, i was either wiping his butt for him, or it was only a peepee, so i just let it slide. alot of times, me telling him all the reasons he had to do it made no sense whatsoever to him.

there are a set of behaviors your child will develop, either on their own or with your help, at some point in their lives so you don't have to force the issue. especially not to the point of missing holiday events. if you're getting to that point, you may want to examine your own motivations. is this ocd or germophobia? or are you really just not confident that this behavior will develop later if you don't push it now? its good to know one way or the other. because therein lies the best way to deal with the situation.


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

Okay, I know this is probably outrageous to everyone, but I never wash my hands after I use the bathroom at home, unless I get something noticeably on them. Sometimes I don't in public restrooms. I never require my kids too.







:


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## aspenleaves (Oct 23, 2008)

"you need to wash your hands after using the toilet. Do you want to wash them, or do you want mommy to wash them for you?" If she chooses you then wash her hands for her.... if she won't choose the next choice is "If you want to choose you have to to do it by the time I count 3, otherwise I will make the choice". Or "Do you want to wash hands at the bathroom sink or the (whereever there is another water source". It is a power struggle that will run its coarse.... just be sanitary, not overpowering.

Good Luck


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

If you go with the hand sanitizer, make sure your daughter does not lick the sanitizer off of her hands, it's very dangerous, and sometimes they scent the sanitizer with fruit flavors.


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## titania8 (Feb 15, 2007)

heck, i'd be happy if my 3 yo used the bathroom, never mind washing after...


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## jtbuko (Sep 28, 2006)

We have a new technique that has been working very well... I ask the kids "who is in charge - you or the germs?" and since they prefer to be in charge of as much as possible they go eagerly running into the bathroom so they can take control and wash the germs off.


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## Samhain Hunter (Oct 9, 2007)

I cannot stand the way my hands and feet feel if I do not apply lotion after I wash them. They do not look dry at all, I do not suffer from dry skin, but they feel awful to me. Perhaps she has a sensory issue regarding this? Offer her lotion after each hand washing.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I think she is using this to engage in power struggle with you, perhaps because she feels you have exerted power over her in another way (probably something you feel is necessary for her well being). I bet if you just backed off she would start washing her hands sooner. I would also after she uses the bathroom play a soapy water game in abucket (not in the bathroom) if she doesnt want to wash. she may want to play in soapy water, so her hands get clean without making it about "washing her hands after using the bathroom" which she is probably resisting because she wants resistance because she probably feels resistance from you in another area.... just throwing an idea and theory out there, take what works for you, leave the rest.


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## jojoboy (Apr 26, 2009)

I have a 3 year old, and I expect him to wash his hands. I don't think it's out of the question. For a while, we did "race you to the bathroom" or "I gonna beat you at washing hands", and he would try and beat us. That worked for a while in my house.

I also used the motivation of not cooperating with my child until he washed hands. Eventually he wanted me to do something (play with a toy, or open a snack, or something) so badly that he would wash hands.

One thing I use at bedtime, when I want my child to do things in a timely manner is to use a kitchen timer. I set it for the number of minutes I want (maybe 2 minutes for washing hands) and if it's not done in that amount of time, then there are consequences. At bedtime, we skip books if he goes over time (for cooperating with teeth brushing, or getting on pjs, etc). I think we've skipped books maybe 3 times, and after that he would get things done.

Good luck. I really love that point with kids when you can't "make" them do stuff anymore.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

My son is nearly the same age and I am constantly realizing I can't just tell the horse to go drink water... you have to lead then to it, lean over with them, and some times drink too...iykwim...

handwashing
eating
cleaning
dressing...
all of it really


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 
Okay, I know this is probably outrageous to everyone, but I never wash my hands after I use the bathroom at home, unless I get something noticeably on them. Sometimes I don't in public restrooms. I never require my kids too.







:

Gross. Sorry but it is. You aren't going to be able to "notice" every nasty little germ and it's better safe and sorry.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 
Okay, I know this is probably outrageous to everyone, but I never wash my hands after I use the bathroom at home, unless I get something noticeably on them. Sometimes I don't in public restrooms. I never require my kids too.







:

i dint think so. i don't wash at home either. i do in public places, though I prefer not to use public restrooms/toilets at all.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Green Eyes* 
If you go with the hand sanitizer, make sure your daughter does not lick the sanitizer off of her hands, it's very dangerous, and sometimes they scent the sanitizer with fruit flavors.

Where did you read this? They're mostly just alcohol and it evaporates very quickly once rubbed into the skin.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Gross. Sorry but it is. You aren't going to be able to "notice" every nasty little germ and it's better safe and sorry.

Safe? What happens if you don't wash your hands every time you use the bathroom? It's not like I wipe with my bare hands, yk?


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PikkuMyy* 
Where did you read this? They're mostly just alcohol and it evaporates very quickly once rubbed into the skin.

It's been in the news a few times. A couple of kids have gotten alcohol poisoning by licking the sanitizer off their hands.

-Angela


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## tiggygal23 (Apr 16, 2009)

Washing hands is a must, no offense but who ever said they didn't wash their hands, I'm sorry but that is just nasty.
My DS is 18 months old and I wash his hands. With your little girl, I would think about it maybe being a sensory issue. My DS has sensory issues and I get through certain tasks by making games out of it. For example, putting lotion on after a bath was pure torture, so now we sing a silly song about lotion, he knows what to expect, and he tolerates it with a smile now.
Washing hands is still a bit of an issue for him, but I still do it. I would not expect your daughter to do it on her own, but for you to facilitate it each and every time after she goes to the bathroom. Eventually it will just become habit, "oh so everytime after I flush, I go to the sink and wash my hands" Sort of like when you are done washing your hands, you automatically dry them without thinking about it.
It is a good habit to form, don't give up. Sing a song while you wash hands... and again, don't expect her to do it on her own, facilitate it for her until she gets it. Good Luck....
I'm with you on the germs deal...


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiggygal23* 
Washing hands is a must, no offense but who ever said they didn't wash their hands, I'm sorry but that is just nasty.

When I wash my hands as often as we're advised to in this society (every time I use the bathroom, before each meal, etc.), my skin dries out and cracks, and sometimes bleeds. _That's_ nasty. Germs? They don't bother me so much.

I'm working on it, because of another thread a few months ago discussing people with compromised immune systems. But, I don't think our constant hand washing is a "must", at all. I think it's a mistake.


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

ewww! someone else's butt and crotch germs. wash your hands, man! just wash your hands!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
ewww! someone else's butt and crotch germs. wash your hands, man! just wash your hands!

I don't know about you, but I don't tend to touch my butt and crotch while using the bathroom. I've never seen a need for it.

In any case, I'm actually not bothered by the "someone else's butt and crotch germs" thing...any more than I'm bothered by the knowledge that I breathe in other people's skin cells all the time. It just doesn't matter to me.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

dd age 4 has trouble with this too...we have the fun soaps etc but she doesn't like to do it and will often say "yes, I've washed my hands" when we know she hasn't. I can totally relate OP, because reminding her, making it fun etc. gets pretty tired after a while. She will do hand sanitizer, but we'd prefer good 'ol soap & water if possible. We dont make a big deal of it, but I'd love to hear more suggestions


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

I don't ususally wash my hands in public restrooms either. It's just more stuff to touch so I touch as little as possible and get out as quick as I can.


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## Just My Opinion (Nov 26, 2008)

You all know urine is sterile, right? I don't tend to wash after I pee, as I use toilet paper and have, at nearly 32, mastered the art of not getting urine on my hands through it









I wash when I poo









Op, I would drop the power struggle, get or make some wipes, use a natural sanitizer (they make ones with just alcohol and glycerin). It just simply isn't worth it.

I always chuckle inwardly when I see people washing their hands in a public restroom before grabbing the door handle to leave, which has more feces on it that your non-washed hands would have had


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

I don't wash after I pee nor do I require my sons to. I don't rub my crotch with my bare hands and they don't touch anything but skin. We wash after poo's though since fecal germs do carry diseases. Urine not so much (actually, not at all but vajayjay germs I get, but I don't wipe in a way that I am physically touching it at all). In public restrooms I always wash my hands though and use the paper towel to open the faucet, close the faucet and to open the door.

For reluctant hand washers after a poo (or a girl that does not yet wipe with the skill required to not touch her crotch) I would invest in a fun foamy soap. I also wash my hands with the kids. I never ask them to do it solitary and honestly, if they did, they wouldn't do a good job.


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Gross. Sorry but it is.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiggygal23* 
I'm sorry but that is just nasty.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
ewww! wash your hands, man! just wash your hands!











I don't really know why, and I've been trying to figure it out, but I seriously smiled and chuckled when I read these responses.

Yes, I'm probably very "nasty" and "gross." I won't even TELL you the other things I do!









And the REALLY SCARY part is, you'd never know by looking at me!










For reals, though, I know that you all are probably "right" and I'm probably "wrong." It is things like this that make me wonder if I really am a grown-up.


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