# Concerned about my son dealing drugs



## Infamous (Jan 10, 2008)

Before i begin this is my first post i would like to introduce myself a bit. I used to be a member of the Latin Kings. The reason i was a gang member was because my parents did not care about me. I sold cocaine because i had nothing to come home to. My parents abused me for years until they eventually kicked me out of the house and i joined the latin king's. I was addicted to cocaine and sold cocaine. I had many sexual partners. I fought and i killed for drugs and for a gang. I stood on the corner of Kedzie and Armitage (Chicago) with pockets filled with coke for quite a few years until i got caught selling cocaine. Prison for me, was a blessing in disguise. That is where i changed into the man i am now.

My son is 17 years old. I do not live with his mother. I am puerto rican and my sons mother is a black / dominican woman. In reality my son faces alot of problems being half puerto rican half black. I ended up joining a gang because of how bad my parents were. I promised myself i would never be the parents my mother and father were. I did everything right, i never abused him or promoted bad behavior in the house. I actually thought he was doing alright.

Last week i get a call from his school. They came across my sons photo in a gang picture. Apparently my son is in the Rollin 30's Crips. For the first time in 6 years i cryed. Where did i go wrong? I gave him everything my parents didnt give me and he still ended up a gang member. he is proud of being a gang member. When they school pulled him out of class to question him he did not even attempt to hide it. He was damn proud of being a gang member. He threw up his sign's and boasted about being a gang member.

After being called by the school i questioned him. He threw up gang sign's, represented his gang, pulled bandanas out of his pockets and pulled beads out. I was absolutely disghusted by this.

I had also been suspecting my son of doing drugs. He would come home late on lots of night's stinking of marijuana with red bloodshot eyes I would not say much about it. I smoked alot of marijuana at his age. I try to ignore it. Doing marijuana isnt ok, but i can give him some kind of leeway for it. What i can not support is dealing drugs.

I had also suspected my son of dealing drugs. He would be in the house alot and wierd people would come to the door asking for him. He always has money around him. He would always tell me he is going outside and would be right back. Apparently he sits at the park across the street from our home and people meet him there to buy drugs.

I searched my sons room. I recovered about 7.5 ounces of marijuana (Close to half a pound) and a few grams of cocaine. Also found a scale , which i used to weigh all the drugs i found in his room. I also found 2 handguns. Last but not least i found some files on his computer of him having sex with various girls. Not sure what to do, because he is basically who i was at his age. He was raised correctly, and i was not. Any advice.


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## ashleylesh (May 20, 2005)

i just read your post and wanted to send you the best of intentions.
sounds like a very hard situation that no parent wants to be in.


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## the_queen (Nov 3, 2005)

I wish I had advice but I couldn't read and not post. Good on you for wanting to fix this. You are clearly a good dad who loves his son. I don't know anything about gang culture but is there some kind of social support network that works with ex-gang members that could give you some advice? Or some kind of prison-diversionary program for at-risk youth?

Best of luck, your son is very lucky to have such a loving dad.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I have no experience or advice, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry.


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## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a rough situation. Are there any responsibile adults in your son's life that he respects and looks up to? What if you staged an intervention with you, a couple of other adults in his life, and anyone else he cares about that isn't into the drug/gang culture? Have you shared stories with him about how you grew up and what you have learned from your mistakes, experience you have gained, etc.? What are your son's passions? Interests? Hobbies? Could you help him focus on one of these other areas rather than on his current lifetyle? Also, is it possible to relocate? Sometimes just getting away from all the temptation is enough to break the cycle. I hope you find some way to help your child. 17 is a hard age...too old to be a kid anymore, but not quite the responsible adult he wants to be. Good luck papa!


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

is there any kind of program you can get him into, or can you get him a tour of a prison? what about a mentor? Someone like you who was a gang member and has reformed, but who isn't you...because well, we all know that teens don't want to listen to their parents!
I wish I knew what else to say. I'm sorry history is repeating itself.


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## Infamous (Jan 10, 2008)

This is killing me because i know whats exactly going through his head and i am limited to what i can say. I dont want to tell him i9 used to sell cocaine and be a latin king. He might not believe me, or worse yet think its alright because his father did the same thing.


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## bumblebeej (Nov 5, 2005)

Whew, I don't have one word of advice for you! I just wanted to tell you by posting here you now have a bunch of mamas sending positive energy and prayers your way! And you didn't have that before.









I'll be thinking of your DS.


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

I really wish I could give you some tangible help. I don't have experience in this lifestyle or problem--I'm suburban/small-town and my kids are still very young. However, I think that your son has something that you did not, though--a father who is there and cares enough to be looking for help. Are there any programs/groups that could give you or your son any assistance? I hope you are able to get through to him. I wonder if telling him about your past would be helpful. Do you think it might give him an doorway to understanding his situation, and give him the opportunity to hear your story and learn from it? To know that you know where he is, the life he's living, and give him a chance to learn from your history? Maybe he would take it like you said--as showing him that it's okay since you did it--but he's already doing it. It couldn't push him down that path--he's already there.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

Hey, you did your best with him, gave him a way better life than you had. It's his choice to do what he's doing, unfortunately. Where he is living they glorify being in a gang, being in one they get looked up to by their friends and stuff like that. My cousin got busted for dealing when he was 15, then he got caught again when he was in his 20's. He went to a boot camp and it did him NO good, he's still doing stuff again. He hasn't done any hard time-yet. His mom gave him EVERYTHING, she sacrificed a lot for him, and he did not appreciate it one bit. She was super overprotective of him though, which didn't help. She raised him in a 'bad neighborhood' where a lot of kids sold drugs and stuff like that.

We even did an intervention...which was sabotaged by his mom telling his ex girlfriend about it beforehand, then he found out about it and wouldn't come into the house. It was a total waste, and the 'intervention counselor' who was an ex alcoholic was basically doing this for her OWN therapy...she kept saying it was about drinking-no, it was about HIS drug use/dealing. Ugh.

Is it possible for you to move away (get out of that city, or even the state) with him? Get him away from the gang influences, that may be your only choice.

Just don't blame yourself, you tried your best. Sometimes experience is the only teacher.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Infamous* 
This is killing me because i know whats exactly going through his head and i am limited to what i can say. I dont want to tell him i9 used to sell cocaine and be a latin king. He might not believe me, or worse yet think its alright because his father did the same thing.

Honestly, its best to tell him. I would start by saying, _"I want to tell you some things about myself, and I just want you to listen._" Tell him your story. Tell it like a story, tell him how you felt then, and how you feel now. Do not preach. Focus on what you felt -- it will help if he understands that a man can feel these things and still have self-respect.

I also think you should uproot him and relocate. I can't even imagine how difficult this might be for you to accomplish -- what obstacles you face in trying to move him. But you have to get him away if you want to keep him safe.

It isn't your fault. I am a white, suburban mom and I send my kids to private school and piano lessons. I know in my heart that my kids will make choices, for better or worse, and that the older they get -- the more serious those choices will be. I pray for them, I do my best for them. But in the end - they have free will, and it is a scary thing for a parent to face -- that someday MY child might make any number of poor choices. No matter what I do.

Parenting can be terrifying and heartbreaking.

One more thing. If you acknowlege that your son is doing these things by choice, you need also to acknowlege that you did these things by choice. Yes, your life was bad. Yes, you were disadvantaged and you had lousy parents. But take responsibility for your own poor choices. Especially when you speak to your son -- let him know that you take responsibiity for your choices. You do not shift blame onto anything or anyone else. You take responsibility, and you take control of your life. This is so important -- because your son needs you to be a role model. And if you blame anyone other than yourself, if you suppose that you were a helpless victim -- then so will he.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I don't think your son can be reasoned out of this -not that you shouldn't try we're parents and we do everything we can. If he is dealing he'll have access to money so attempting to move him -especially at his age- isn't likely to work either. I hate to say it but you've lost this battle. I would strategize long-term so that there is someday hope of winning the war. Yes- you should tell him your story. You should have told him long ago when it would have meant more and then backed it up with anti-gang community. Not saying that to be mean but hiding things from our kids usually backfires. If you have anymore children make sure you fight the gangs from the get-go. My children's father is a drug addict and a criminal and I talk to my children about this regularly. Not to turn them against him but because they are in a high risk group and they need to know it and be prepared and have tools I help them get. You could contact a group like http://www.ceasefirechicago.org/ and ask them to refer you to a parents group or anti-gang outreach where you can be led in the most productive direction. Love your son but do not enable him -attending a group like narcanon might help you to love your son while not helping him in his activity- detach to the point you need to to be safe but never give up on him if he cleans up 15 years from now be happy. Don't let this ruin your life. With your background it would be great if you could be a mentor to young potential gang members. You may not be able to help your son but you can help other children and you can set a good example of love and forgiveness for your son.

I can imagine the fear of this happening but I can't imagine the pain you are in with the reality. I wish you the best.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
One more thing. If you acknowlege that your son is doing these things by choice, you need also to acknowlege that you did these things by choice. Yes, your life was bad. Yes, you were disadvantaged and you had lousy parents. But take responsibility for your own poor choices. Especially when you speak to your son -- let him know that you take responsibiity for your choices. You do not shift blame onto anything or anyone else. You take responsibility, and you take control of your life. This is so important -- because your son needs you to be a role model. And if you blame anyone other than yourself, if you suppose that you were a helpless victim -- then so will he.


I don't see him not acknowledging his responsibility and I think his confusion is well founded. For abused/neglected children sometimes the gang is the only "safe place", the only family and the only place way they can see to survive. I think he is saying that he thought he gave his son that safe place and his son still ended up in the gang.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

I know what you mean about letting the mj smoking slide- cuz it really isn't the issue and it shouldn't be an issue either. We live in a police state and that is what fuels the gang wars. Our sons of color seem to be recruited to one war or another. I am so sorry.

About sons. We see all the potential and the vulnerability. They think they are invincible and we know they are not. Our best advice often falls on deaf ears. Our love does not seem to be enough to save them from themselves. I once heard that having children is like watching your own heart walking around outside of yourself. It hurts.

Don't be disgusted with him. Keep giving him unconditional love and acceptance. I think mamaduck has some good advice about being honest with him. Now is the time to be his father _and_ his best friend. He needs a trusted advisor. Have you had the kind of relationship where he can really talk to you openly? He is going to do what he wants to do and it seems you know this. You have nothing to lose by making yourself vulnerable to him and really listening to him.

The disgust will send the message that you do not want to hear him. Do not react to the gang signs -- he is proud of being part of something. Acknowledge that pride. Recognize his talents and strengths. Ask him if you can help him find something more righteous to be a part of. I like the idea of finding a community of ex-gang members who are giving something back to the community. It could give him the sense of belonging that he craves with a more righteous cause. May he could get connected with a community of hip, conscientous people. Do you have something like an Ella Baker Center where you live? Activism might be a good outlet for his rebellious energies.

All much much easier said than done, I know.
Ultimately, it is his road he must walk -- all you can do is just walk as closely as you can.


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## Infamous (Jan 10, 2008)

I confronted my son again on thursday night. He brought up some alright points and most of them i was able to debate against and some facts i couldent. It turns out that as a kid he was bullied alot, kids made fun of him, and he didnt fit in. Now he says people are scared of him, and they have respect from him. I tried to explain to him that he will have to keep commiting crimes to keep other gang members scared of him. I told him the famous words i was told, along with many others when i attempted to leave the Latin Kings for the first time. "Once a king, always a king". This means eventhough you could be jumped out of a gang, or you could even move away.. but i know that if i return to chicago I will have Gangster Disciples, Latin Disciples and Latin Cobras who would most likely kill me on sight. I explained that no matter how long it has been, i will always be a latin king to my enemys.

I found it very interesting that his Crip's gang is connected to the Gangster Disciple Nation, and Folk Nation. My son is apart of a gang that used to be my enemy's on the street. At first i thought his gang was just teenagers selling marijuana on the corners but I was wrong. They have legit connections to Disciples and FOLK gangs in chicago. As i told him the story about my past i was in tears. He was enjoying the story and found it quite interesting. I just made sure i layed down the hard facts with him. No gang, No club, No one can love him as much as i do.

From what i see deep down this is a masculinity issue. I suspect he is just a gang member because he feels superior over others doing so. He just wants to be respected. One thing really dissapointed me though.

He outright denies his Puerto Rican heritage in front of his friends. In our city rightnow he told me all of the black gangs are fighting against the mexican and hispanic gangs. He is in a black gang and considers himself a black person. He is outright ashamed of being puerto rican. As he told me himself "The only good puerto rican is a dead puerto rican".

This is much worse then i feared. He is in a REAL criminal orginization. He IS NOT just in a group of high school kids selling drugs.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I would have a serious, honest and completely open talk with him about what you did, what you think he's doing now and why it scares you. Don't lecture him about how he's doing the wrong thing. Don't ambush him, either. Tell him you want to talk to him and ask him when it's good for him. Tell him why you are scared for him. Tell him about your experiences and why and how you are lucky that you survived. Tell him that you will always be there for him without judgement no matter what. Let him tell you what's going on in his mind even if you think you know. Even if it turns out to be exactly what you thought, he needs to be able to say it all (if he wants to). Don't try to force it.


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## anudi01 (Aug 11, 2004)

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but wanted to send some positive thoughts your way.

Good Luck!


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Yes Infamous, your son is in trouble. What a heartache.

Do you still have family in Puerto Rico? Maybe he could spend the summer there? Get him connected with his heritage. Lots to be proud of. Have you considered films as a way to connect him with his roots? Entertaining to watch and sometimes enlightening.

*check out this link:*

http://www.prdream.com/film-index.html

*Another film: info gleaned from Wikipedia*

American Me (1992)

The film covers the life of Santana (Edward James Olmos), a Chicano youth who breaks the law and becomes part of the "legalistic machine" that includes the horrors of serving prison time at Folsom Prison for many years.

The film tells of most of Santana's life and how the "system," works against him, in and out of jail. When Santana is released from prison the question becomes: is there an escape? As important, the film introduces audiences to California gang life, both on the street and in jail.

There is one film I am thinking about in particular about a Puerto Rican family -- one son identifies as black and the other latino because of physical features. Based on a true story -- how racial identity shaped his experience. He got involved in a gang, went to prison and then gave back somehow. I have a vague memory of it; but I will get the title to you. It is a powerful film. Maybe somebody here will know what I am talking about.

I am hoping your son finds his way. Keep talking to him and listening. Listen and let him know you will help him unconditionally.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I'm going to tell you this because it worked for my family, I bet there are better ways, but it worked.

my (distant) cousin was some sort of blood (?). when his little brother was caught selling coke he scared by showing him a knife wound on his chest, and everyone knows he's missing a finger from a misfire on a gun. This wirked for a little while but the money was too good, i guess so the older brother called another ex-gang member (of a rival gang i guess, i don't know how gangs in Cleveland work) and had him steal the younger bro's coke and scare him again. This got him to stop. I'm not sure what the guy said to him, but the Younger bro 's grades came up and i started seeing him at family functions more. So maybe you should tell him your story and what you had to go through.

much love. to you and your son


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## mother_sunshine (Nov 25, 2001)

My first thought is to tell you to take him and run as far as you can.... But he's already 17. I don't think running would work. I would keep him close to you (don't kick him out, no matter what) and continue sharing your story with him. Show him the movies. Take him to a prison program if needed (aren't there "scared straight" type of programs in most cities?). Or do you have friends who can help you out by sharing their stories? Do everything you can to make sure he doesn't end up in prison even once.

Whether he realizes it yet or not, you are the most important person in his life, and you are teaching him what it is to be a man. Hopefully you'll reach him sooner or later.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

What would his gang do if they found out his true heritage, I wonder. Moving away out of ALL cities might be your only option. Go to the country, there aren't any street gangs there. My cousin moved to the boonies to live with his dad for awhile (someone was looking for him), he was SO out of place with his 'attire' and had a hard time selling drugs to them (hey, they probably grow their own, ya know?).


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## Infamous (Jan 10, 2008)

In reality how can i force him. I cant force him because he is 17 years old. I tried to connect with him. For the first time in maybe 5 or 6 years i smoked a joint with my son. I understand doing drugs are bad, let alone with your son but listen to my results.

By smoking marijuana we do not see it as doing drugs. It is a way we connect. I talked to him about why he needs to be in a gang. It was a very strong conversation. There was no yelling just firm talk. I asked him what would happen if he ever lost the drugs he had to sell, he told me he would get killed. I asked why he would every continue dealing drugs with his life on the line.

When it comes down to it, i need to find some way to get him some kind of therapy. He has a problem. He feel's he is asserting his masculinity by dealing drug's, fighting and having sex. I tried to explain to him that you can be a man and have a decent living, women, and after a certain age you need to mediate and you cant just fight over every little problem. He also explained to me the circumstances which he joined the gang.

Alot of his childhood friends from elementary school grew up to be gang members and so has he. Everyone around him is selling drug's, having sex, and in a gang. That is something no article on the internet can explain to you, thats something a person has to tell you.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Infamous* 
In reality how can i force him. I cant force him because he is 17 years old.

You can't force him. I had to accept this recently with my almost 17yo who decided he wanted to move to his dad's even though it's not what I would consider a healthy or safe environment. I know that's not as serious as what you are dealing with but I do understand the position you are in. It's very frustrating.

I think it's very important for you to just always be available for him. Make sure he knows that he can come to you about anything and you will not judge him. Continue to reach out to him. Talk to him about the gang life. Be honest and open and sincere.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

Teenagers feel immortal, that is hard to change unless they get shot or something like that. My cousin had someone break into his house and hold a gun to his head (when he was in his early 20's) and stole his drugs, but he still kept dealing drugs. He never left that environment or neighborhood.

I just read an article in the citypaper about a con that turned his life around after prison (he was in for armed robbery). He even said that sometimes you have to not associate with your prison friends after you get out.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Oh hijo,

So sorry you are dealing with all this. As parents I think we all fantasize that we can prevent our kids from suffering, but the truth is, there's no way. At this point, keep trying. Don't reject him. Be there for him. Be for him what the gang can't be - a father. Beyond that, emotionally, you have to let him go. Keep your door open, but don't try to force anything. Tell him you will be there for him no matter what. If he has a place to go when the sh*t hits the fan, and it will, as you well know, he may run to you. But it may take time, and of course, he may get hurt or even killed in the meantime. I hope for his sake and yours that he sees the light before it's too late.
I want to say, too, that you have terrific insight into his mindset, and I agree that you need to be honest, but BE CAREFUL. A word from him to the wrong person could be very dangerous to you.
As to the race thing, it will resolve itself eventually. You can help him by learning everything you can about fostering self acceptance, practicing it yourself, and loving your boy with everything you have. In the end, though, he, not you, is ultimately responsible for the life he builds.


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## figgyforlife (Feb 13, 2008)

i am so sorry


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