# I really need help



## gladyvibe1 (Aug 9, 2016)

While I am writing this, I am literally breaking down in tears. I am very much distressed over my child's behavioral problems and my own efforts to correct them.
I am a parent,but not a perfect parent ! I don’t want to see my child getting isolated as he grows. And that is why I am sharing it here.

It's the last week that I came to notice that some cash seems to be missing from my wallet. I have a daily domestic help at home. But till now she hasn't done anything wrong and 
I believe her as much as I believe my spouse.
My child has never lied to me before. But lately, he has come with dubious kinds of stuff which weren't bought by both of us! Whenever asked ,he replies with 
"Someone left them on the school bus." "A friend gave them to me." "I bought them with money I found on the sidewalk" etc.
Even if the evidence is only circumstantial, I really can't push away the thought that my child may be stealing
What can I do?
I feel totally down.How can I correct him? Someone, please help!


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

*lying, stealing*

I'm not sure what to suggest even as a parent of a kid who has lied to me a lot over the years.

BUT if he's coming home with other people's things I would force him to return them ASAP (even if no one claims it relinquish it). I've been the parent on the other end of the missing stuff for one thing (we had one kid who was actually wearing my sons coat in preference to wearing his own and would not give it back until I asked for help from the teacher as one example) and for another it's just not socially acceptable. Finders Keepers etc. is really not on. You may need to have a talk about boundaries, socially acceptable behaviour etc. Maybe he is struggling with empathy, but I wonder if you asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed if he would get it. If he was walking around in school and dropped something, and someone wouldn't give it back? Or someone went into his bag at lunch time and just took something out because they wanted to. As for the money, does he feel like he needs stuff he's not getting? Maybe it would help to talk about what he feels he's missing? Like maybe other kids parents are buying certain toys he wants, you can talk about wanting vs needing things etc etc. How is he with other kids his age? This could be a sign he is struggling with social acceptance, or on the other hand, he's bullying other kids.


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## 393401 (Aug 10, 2016)

First, how old is your child? Age matters.

Second, If you're missing money and your kid has new stuff, the evidence is a bit more than circumstantial.

Third, stop crying and focus on the issue which is bad judgment. Kids aren't born with good judgment, they need to learn it. This is an opportunity to teach a new important skill.

When you strongly suspect something, it's never a good idea to go into it asking questions, it makes you look less credible and it sets him/her up to lie to you to avoid getting into trouble. So, I'd start over with something like "I've been missing money and you have new things, and I think you've been taking my money to buy them. This isn't acceptable, b/c it's stealing and we know stealing isn't good. You need to stop doing this right now, OK?" 

That last part, the "OK?", is crucial, b/c s/he needs to not only understand your expectations but also then agree to them, it's a commitment.

Try this, keep an eye on your wallet, and let me know if it continues.


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

Technically keeping stuff you found is called "Theft of Mislaid Property" and (at least in Illinois) it's a crime. It absolutely should be turned in. In fact, you should march him back to where ever he "found" it and return it with him. 

I'm also very curious to know the age of the child here. He must be in the teens if he has any ability to go out and buy things. So, that opens up other questions. How is the child able to get to the store? Where is he saying he is when he's shopping? Someone who would steal mom's money could also very well be shoplifting or stealing in other ways. What else is going on here? Has he been in trouble in other areas? How's school going? What are your talks about for his future (if he's mid-late teens)?


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

*may not be a teen*

Here where I live, I am about a 15min walk from a big mall, not too mention corner stores, shops etc in between, where any kid could purchase anything from a computer game to running shoes. And a lot of kids frequent the mall from grade 7 up due to the population surrounding it so one more kid wouldn't honestly stand out. I was visiting my parents in the suburbs and my kid took the $20 I had given him to get a slurpee or a bag of chips (because a 20 was all I had) and he came back with a Steam card (essentially computer games). He bought it from a candy store.


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## gladyvibe1 (Aug 9, 2016)

Thanks mumto1 for your kind reply! I talked to him about the socially acceptable behaviour as you suggested. Even if he wasn't ready to accept that he stole, he seemed a little empathetic and guilty. And regarding his attitude, he is very much mingling towards the ones he like. But not very talkative or sharing to the ones he dislikes. But both Jo and I would always keep sure that he gets what he likes. We would never say no to the things that he is fond of making sure that those really are harmless to be used in his age.Still, I am getting confused on what is to be done.


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## gladyvibe1 (Aug 9, 2016)

A'sDad said:


> First, how old is your child? Age matters.
> 
> Second, If you're missing money and your kid has new stuff, the evidence is a bit more than circumstantial.
> 
> ...


Thanks, A'sDad ! Thank you for giving me an idea on how to deal with it. 
He is 12yo and he is not very calm in nature. He used to throw things every time he gets angry. Last time he thrashed my new handset when I scolded him for not dressing up properly. 
I just talked to him in general regarding the socially acceptable behaviours ,our family status etc etc. He seemed little empathetic on hearing that. I am looking forward to letting good things happen.. He was very calm and silent the very last day and it is actually making me feel good hoping that he will change !


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## gladyvibe1 (Aug 9, 2016)

Xerxella said:


> Technically keeping stuff you found is called "Theft of Mislaid Property" and (at least in Illinois) it's a crime. It absolutely should be turned in. In fact, you should march him back to where ever he "found" it and return it with him.
> 
> I'm also very curious to know the age of the child here. He must be in the teens if he has any ability to go out and buy things. So, that opens up other questions. How is the child able to get to the store? Where is he saying he is when he's shopping? Someone who would steal mom's money could also very well be shoplifting or stealing in other ways. What else is going on here? Has he been in trouble in other areas? How's school going? What are your talks about for his future (if he's mid-late teens)?


He is 12yo Xerxella. 
At that moment, I didn't feel like marching him back to where ever he "found" it .I thought it would hurt him . I talked to him regarding many things that he wasn't aware of and it really seems working on seeing his attitude for the past day. I am looking forward to seeing good things happen!


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## 393401 (Aug 10, 2016)

gladyvibe1 said:


> Thanks, A'sDad ! Thank you for giving me an idea on how to deal with it.
> He is 12yo and he is not very calm in nature. He used to throw things every time he gets angry. Last time he thrashed my new handset when I scolded him for not dressing up properly.
> I just talked to him in general regarding the socially acceptable behaviours ,our family status etc etc. He seemed little empathetic on hearing that. I am looking forward to letting good things happen.. He was very calm and silent the very last day and it is actually making me feel good hoping that he will change !


Gladys, based on your description, it sounds like the stealing is not only consistent with his general impulsiveness, but also a new (disturbing) element. and perhaps as unwelcome, the least of your problems, as it represents a symptom of the larger underlying problem.

Has someone evaluated his explosiveness and inability to tolerate limit setting? I don't need to tell you this as you probably are already aware, but at 12 he's just entering the most impulsive and potentially explosive period of his life as a teenager, and unless and until you regain some control and can effective parent him, things might get very worse.


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

I don't have time for a lengthy reply. 

Behavior is communication, whether it comes from a young person or an adult. He is trying to communicate some sort of difficulty and with the little info you've given, I'm not sure what's going on. It concerns me what you said about his getting angry & how it's connected to this. A couple book titles comes to mind: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... & The Explosive Child. 

I do not think confronting him outright is the way to go. That's basically backing him into a corner & animals (we are animals too) often fight back when that happens. 

All the best,
Sus


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## kaelcarp (Feb 21, 2005)

Wow, I could have written almost exactly the same thing about a year ago. My son was 12 then and I was noticing the same things. He "found" $20 on the floor at school, followed by another $10 on another day in some equally unlikely way, and other such things. He also has behavior issues. He is extremely oppositional. He's been diagnosed variously with ODD, ADHD, and Asperger's (when it was a thing). I was also very distraught and unsure of how to proceed. I never had any hard evidence that he was taking the money. I had indeed thought I had misplaced money at one point, but I couldn't line up the amounts or the timing well enough for it to make sense. I didn't want to outright accuse him because maybe I was wrong. As a kid, I had an experience of being accused of wrongdoing when I hadn't done something, and I found it really hurtful. For him, it would be worse.

I decided to take a more subtle approach. I told him a story about a friend of mine who used to take money from his parents, and how we all kind of looked down on him for it. I was more subtle than that, but the gist was that I emphasized how pathetic the friend looked to his other friends because of it. I also emphasized the importance of trust, and how he'd be able to do more things on his own when I knew I could trust him with them. I would drop these kinds of lines here and there to this effect.

Then I purposely left out money where he could easily take it and wrote down the ID numbers on the bills. The money didn't move, and I never had an issue again. To this day I don't know for sure if he was taking the money or not. I suppose I'll eventually ask him one day. I don't know if my strategy here worked, if he'd never taken anything to begin with, or if it had just been a one-time thing. I just know now that he isn't doing it, and that's good.


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## deminc (Mar 31, 2008)

Agree very much with A'sDad on both points. 

I would just add that I have a very explosive 12 year old as well, he doesn't steal, but when he explodes he takes years off my life. I have had him evaluated from a young age, partly for this, but it was only more recently that another psychologist uncovered the reason for it. He has social language difficulties, and my way of parenting, my choice of words, were increasingly useless as he got older because he did not understand abstract words such as "self-centered", "perseverance" etc, and is unable to see some of the cause and effect in daily interactions. It is commonly seen in autistic children, but in ds case, it is apparently a form of oral dyspraxia manifesting at the higher end of language development. (He has dyspraxia.) We were referred to a language therapist and she was able to explain social concepts to him in 2 sessions that I have been saying for years without effect. The language therapist also told us that we caught it just in time because she had seen so many kids whose social language issues become emotional issues in teenage hood because of the accumulated angst and misunderstanding. 

Not saying this is behind your son's explosiveness, but it is always worth getting a professional to take a look. The psychologist who uncovered it happened to be both a developmental psychologist and educational psychologist, and it was lucky for us that she was able to pick out the hidden signs from his earlier files. If you do get someone to take a look, be sure to share any episodes that had troubled you or struck you as unusual because all of these can form a narrative to the trained eye.


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## Momof5crazies (Aug 31, 2016)

I would definitely make sure to take away the things that he's finding. Also, make sure your child has an opportunity to work and earn some money. Not an allowance or free money as many parents give, but actually make them earn it. This helped me with my son who had the same issue


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## MadeleineAtchley (Jul 11, 2016)

I agree with this poster. Her advice is a good start. I wouldn't want to add anything until you have taken her advice.

I will say to make sure and pursue it until resolved. Who will help your child to overcome this if not you?

We owe our children every effort to effect their happiness and wholeness.



393401 said:


> First, how old is your child? Age matters.
> 
> Second, If you're missing money and your kid has new stuff, the evidence is a bit more than circumstantial.
> 
> ...


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