# other children hitting my child



## elfimka (Mar 2, 2007)

IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

My 3yo daughter has never ever hit anyone. EVER. She has never pushed anyone (at least on purpose). She just doesn't have it in her.

Today her friend that she plays with on a regular basis came up to her when she was laying down, and tried to pull her hair and almost dragged her.

Another time her other friend fell down, was crying, and my daughter came up and asked if she was ok. The friend pushed her.

When I see my daughter's eyes after something like this happens, it makes me SO ANGRY that I have to hold myself back to not go hurt that other child.

I stopped seeing a few friends whose kids have hit or hurt my daughter in some way, and I feel like we are running out of friends. In my head I understand that they are 3 and they are learning and it's good that these situations are happening in front of my eyes and not at a school playground where I can't discuss it with her. And on the other hand, I feel like there is no reason to take a chance of this happening and it's my job to shelter her from these negative experiences.

After those times, I talked to my daughter and told her that if something like this happens again, she needs to tell the offender to stop. And if they don't listen, to go ahead and push/hit them back.

What would you do? How do you handle this? How do you get your cool back after something like this happens?


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

yipes. my DD just turned three and i haven't run into this yet. blessedly.

i don't think i'd be spending much time with kids who hit either.

i can understand your feeling that you want her to hit back -- but think about it, do you really??

i'm big on avoiding these situations altogether even if it limits your friends list to a very short list.

if your daughter learns to hit and push from these other kids, then she becomes part of the problem.

i'm going to be on the lookout for this behavoir, and if i see it, i think i will take action to remove my child from the situation, rather than engage the bully.

i don't have experience with it yet, but in my niavete (sp), i guess i feel like my daughter has her whole life ahead of her, years of going to school and negotiating friends and all -- and i can still protect her since she's only three. and i want her to be sheltered from this sort of junk for as long as possible.

interested to hear what others have to say.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

My DD is 4.5 and has never been hit by another child and has never hit another child. She's been in preschool, and before that, a bi-weekly playgroup since she was 18 months. There have been other issues, mostly screaming "NO! That's mine!" and the yanking of toys back and forth, that sort of thing, but for some reason, there's been no hitting. I know that hitting among that age group is pretty typical; we've just been lucky, I guess.

Does your DD want to play with other kids? If she's not all that into it, there's no reason to continue unless you find one or two kids that are a good match for her. There's also no reason to teach her to defend herself, unless you really want to, at her age. It can wait until she's older and both kids have better verbal skills and abilities. Personally I think avoiding hitting behavior is the better choice at this age, and that's what I would have done if it had been an issue for us.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well...as a mom of three dc who does daycare, I have to say that hitting is pretty much a part of our life. The 6 & 4 year old don't hit much, but my 2yo ds and the 1 yo dc kid do. My kids don't typically hit other friends who they don't spend a lot of time with, though it has happened. I would feel really bad if a mom decided to end our dc's friendship over it, but I don't know what else to say. Except that I really, really loathe it when people label a THREE YEAR OLD a bully.

Anyway, I get that it bothers you, especially because your dd probably spends most of her time with adults. But it has been my experience that when kids spend enough time together, someone's going to get hit, though BellinghamCrunchy seems to have had a different experience. I guess you have to weigh your options, and decide how many friends you feel your dd needs.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

I understand why it makes you angry but as you say, the children are only 3. Some 3 year olds are great at expressing their emotions and feelings verbally (Ie "Don't take that toy, I was playing with it!") while others can't and feel the need to express themselves physically.

My DS hasn't hit anyone is a VERY long time but he does get whacked once in a while from his friends. To be honest, as long as the other parent intercedes and explains that hitting isn't allowed, I don't get upset (and of course if my son doesn't get seriously hurt). And unless a child was continuing to hit my DS, I wouldn't end a friendship over a few mistakes a 3 yo makes.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

my son was never aggressive but then my daughter is very much so. it's not really anyone's fault, so I would just try to help them work it out and try to prevent the hiting from taking place as much as possible. I understand why you get mad, I get mad when my daughter hits one of my other children, but it's a normal stage of development for most children


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I remember a decent amt of hitting/pushing when dd was in (or playing with kids in) the 2-4 range--mostly age 3. My dd would hit/push back naturally (and then hit/push _first_ the next time she interacted with that child), so I remember a LOT of heavy supervision at that age. Pretty much, I followed her around the playgrounds and kept within grabbing range to protect both her and the other kids (so a hit never landed). The kids all grew out of it.

In reference to something in your op, my dd might have pushed a child who approached her when she had fallen and was crying. I couldn't touch her when she was injured (neither could anyone else), and she would get scared if someone got too close. Or, sometimes she was embarrassed and wanted the child out of her space. Doesn't make pushing right, but it could explain why a child pushed in situation, even though your dd's intentions were sweet.

IMO, your reaction (wanting to hurt the offending child) is extreme. I understand wanting to protect our dc from harm and hurts, but these are truly small harms and hurts. They get over them very quickly, esp if we support them in resiliency and take steps (supervision) to make sure it isn't happening repeatedly. And it is a phase that the vast majority of children outgrow before school age, when your dc might be on playgrounds without your protection. Try to remember that it is normal, although undesirable, childish behavior.


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## kiwiva (Apr 17, 2006)

I get being annoyed with a particularly aggressive kid (we have one of those in a class we do). But feeling so angry you want to hurt a 3 year old for hitting your child seems a bit excessive. At that age they are learning to control themselves. A 3 yo hitting or pushing is a completely different intention than an older child or adult hitting. They have little impulse control and often are just lashing out, not trying to be mean.

It's great that your DD doesn't hit or push. We've never yet had a problem with that either, but I think the best approach with this age kids is to be there to prevent.

I think if someone tried to drag my DD by her hair it would be time to end the playdate. If she was consistently aggressive in this way I would probably not have more playdates for a while and hope she got over this phase. But I wouldn't necessarily end the friendship. It's probably a phase, not a character flaw. She's 3.

My DD has pushed me away on occasion when she was upset like that and didn't want attention at the moment. I don't always want a hug when I am upset. I can use my words to explain that, an upset 3 yo probably cannot.

I don't think it is the best idea to tell your DD to hit back. What a confusing message. "It is wrong for that child to hit you but if she does, hit her back." That will get both of them absolutely nowhere. With my DD and the aggressive child I have told her to tell him to stop and to walk away. In this case we cannot choose not to interract with him because it is a class, so we just have to do a lot of talking about what to do before class. I wouldn't choose to interract with him if I had a choice but with other kids who occasionally hit or push, I just accept it as what they do at this age and help DD deal with it without hitting back.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

This is the one situation where I will correct somebody else's child, and tell them "___, we don't hit". I do feel as a parent, that I need to protect my kids, and help them deal with a tough situation.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

And if they don't listen, to go ahead and push/hit them back.
When she gets older, this would make sense, but at three years old, that's going to add to the problem.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappyMommy2* 
This is the one situation where I will correct somebody else's child, and tell them "___, we don't hit". I do feel as a parent, that I need to protect my kids, and help them deal with a tough situation.

The "we don't hit" is a little weak for my taste. If I see children hitting and another adult doesn't step in, I will tell them "Do NOT hit people" in a firm voice.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
The "we don't hit" is a little weak for my taste. If I see children hitting and another adult doesn't step in, I will tell them "Do NOT hit people" in a firm voice.

the way that is typed if it is how it sounds I would consider very disrespectful toward the child. If I were a hurting child (which children usually are on one level or another when they are aggressive) I would not want to listen to an adult talking to me like that. If I were a highly sensitive child, I would not hear the words, only the tone of voice, and probably fall to the ground in tears thinking how mean and scary the stranger is, completely lost on the "lesson" of not hitting. And if another person who was supposed to be acting like an adult talked to my child that way I would have to take issue with that. just my 2 cents, something for others to consider if they care about that thing. I realize some people are only out to avenge their children, but being the parent of both an aggressive child and also a child who has NEVER been aggressive, I find the best way to get a child to stop hitting is to HELP them, not scold them.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elfimka* 
I stopped seeing a few friends whose kids have hit or hurt my daughter in some way, and I feel like we are running out of friends. In my head I understand that they are 3 and they are learning and it's good that these situations are happening in front of my eyes and not at a school playground where I can't discuss it with her. And on the other hand, I feel like there is no reason to take a chance of this happening and it's my job to shelter her from these negative experiences.

I'm trying to say this very gently, but I think you are overreacting. I have twins, and we never ever use corporal punishment of any kind with them, but they still hit each other fairly frequently. It stinks, but hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old child to do. Let me repeat that for emphasis: _hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old to do_. Please don't judge someone's child unfairly and then cut them off without a second chance simply because the child may have hit yours while they are playing together. I understand wanting to protect your child from harm, believe me, my mama bear instinct still kicks in when one of mine hurts his sibling, but I take a deep breath, separate them, and after comforting the hurt child have a discussion with the hitter about why the behavior is hurtful and inappropriate.

Honestly, I think you can use these sorts of moments as a teaching opportunity with your daughter. Explain to her that some people have greater difficulty working through their emotions and controling their more negative ones. As long as the other parent is engaged with their own child and is responsive to the hitting situations then I really see no reason to stop letting that child play with yours. As you are already finding out, you are going to limit yourself and your daughter's opportunities for friendships and socialization quite severely if you aren't willing to be more forgiving and understanding about these sorts of situations.

Edited to add, I wouldn't encourage your daughter to hit back in these sorts of situations. At such a young age all that will do is send mixed messages to her about hitting and physical violence. What I tell my kids to do is tell the hitter to stop and come get me for help if that hitter continues after the warning.

Hope that helps!


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## Livviesmom0207 (Mar 21, 2007)

I struggle with this weekly. My DD NEVER hits. She has a cousin who is 3 months older (28 and 31 months) and her cousin pushes/drags/hits her CONSTANTLY. Like, today, we were there less than 2 hours and DD was pushed 3 times and dragged across the carpet once.

I've had a hard time with it because DD sometimes doesn't want to see her cousin at all, then other times begs. Her cousin is almost 10 pounds heavier and several inches taller than she is and she will shove DD with all her body weight, scream at her and drag her across the floor.

My SIL does just about nothing. She says "Skylar NO". That is IT. No "we don't hit people." No time out. NOTHING.

Today I'd had enough so I started having to discipline DN. I think we're done playing for a while. I feel your pain mama. I have to admit, sometimes I want to give DN a smack, but clearly that is counterproductive.

DD just cries because she doesn't understand why her cousin is being so mean to her. I have told DD to stand up for herself and tell her cousin no, but it doesn't work.

The sad part is that they are the only cousins.

I'll be reading this thread for advice!


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

Seriously? Have you ever done any reading about child development, and what is normal behavior for 2-3 year olds? For those of you who have children who never hit/push/etc.- you should consider yourselves extremely lucky and rare (and, I feel the need to add, NOT superior to the parents of children who do occasionally hit, nor are you rearing children who are somehow nicer/better/etc. than children who do) My child is bright, kind, and extremely sensitive. She occasionally hits- mostly when she was younger- but still does now (3.5) very occasionally, when she has used words to express her feelings and been ignored and is overwhelmed. E.g. another child was getting into her backpack, my dd told her repeatedly to stop, the child did not, and then dd physically tried to stop that child-- not an acceptable way of dealing with the issue, but, in my opinion, understandable. I was right there and intervened when my dd showed signs of resorting to getting physical, but the other parent did nothing to help her child respond appropriately to the repeated requests of my dd to leave her things alone. I don't think that this means that my dd is mean, that I'm a crappy parent, or that other moms should keep their innocent children away from her. Little kids are trying to figure out what they can and can't control, and they're dealing with big emotions at the same time. If the other moms are truly sitting back and not intervening at all when their kids pummel yours, then, sure, hang out with someone else. If the parents are trying, then I think you should get real, cut them all some slack, and allow your child to interact with other kids her own age on occasion.


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## Muminmamman (Jul 28, 2007)

*


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## elfimka (Mar 2, 2007)

Thank you all for advice, mamas. I knew I came to the right place to vent.

As it turned out, my daughter was a much bigger person than me in this situation. She got over this in less than 24 hours and said she wants to play with her friend again.

You are right, I overreact. Especially now when I am pregnant with my third, I think my hormones are all over the place and the whole world perception is messed up. That's why I wanted to ask you, mamas, I knew you'd tell me as it is.

Some of you may have misunderstood me: I do want her to be exposed to a certain degree of violence on the playground, as it will be inevitable when she goes to school anyway. The two friends that we stopped playing with were:
1. would try to hit her everytime he saw her and would try to control all her steps. If he felt she was doing something wrong, he would try to push her rather hard in an opposite direction... That kind of child... And the mother who did nothing.
2. that friend started daycare and became very verbally abusive. again, mother didn't do anything when she would say hurtful things to my daughter.

So these guys had to go. The friends who hit occasionally, we still see them. My daughter forgives fast and forgets. And as long as she is ok with all that, I am ok too. I just keep a close eye when we are there.

I feel like I offended some mothers whose kids hit and I totally didn't mean it. I know, I KNOW it's developmentally normal. I am NOT saying that all kids who hit have crappy mothers, by no means. I think very highly of most of my friends with kids and their gentle approach to discipline, even if hitting occurs. I do get angry at mothers who don't get involved at all, but none of our friends are like that.

After reading your responses, I agree that I shouldn't encourage her to hit back, as it may grow into a problem over time. I really want her to learn to stand up for herself, but now I see that she is too young to understand when hitting back may be ok, and I will just confuse her.

So... other than "we don't hit", what else can I do when something like this happens? It's only recently I started to encourage her to hit/push back. Usually I would comfort her and give her a chance to cry it out. Then we would talk about how it's not ok to hit people and that when something like that happens, she should tell that person that it's not ok and that he/she needs to stop. But then I guess I had an image of her being bullied at school where I wasn't to help her, and that's when I thought I'd tell her to push back. Now I totally see it's too early to teach her when it's ok to push back.

So what else works?

Thank you all so much for advice.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

Usually the best thing to do long term is to deal with the "why" of why they hit. For example, if my Daycare girl is hitting DS because DS is trying to take a toy away, I will tell her "We don't hit. Say "mine"." And then I will make sure that DS respects her boundaries. A lot of kids in the 2-4 year range don't know what to say to make their point. I've always found that giving them the words helps. (Although it takes many run throughs before they remember in the heat of the moment.)


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

Sorry about my strong reaction-- can you tell this is something that I'm sensitive about as well







I feel like a broken record telling my dd to "move away" from whoever is bothering her- which I think is great advice for your dd as well. Before playdates where I suspec there might be some issues, I try to remind her to first use her words (to tell someone to stop) and then move away from them and come to mommy. At home, when she gets riled up and tries to hit me, I make a big deal about moving away from her and tell her that I 'm moving so that she can't hurt me and that I hope that if anyone ever tries to hurt her, that she will go away from them- that it's not okay for anyone to hurt us. Physical space is a great thing for diffusing violence.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elfimka* 
But then I guess I had an image of her being bullied at school where I wasn't to help her, and that's when I thought I'd tell her to push back. Now I totally see it's too early to teach her when it's ok to push back.

So what else works?
.

Just to reiterate, these hitting/pushing kids will almost certainly outgrow the behavior entirely by the time they are in school. You probably will never need to teach her to push back, because it won't be an issue when they are older. Borrowing trouble, and all that.

I taught dd to respond to a hit or push with a loud "Don't hit me!" or "Don't push me!" that would get the attention of an adult (because she was naturally hitting back, and the adults wouldn't nec see that someone hit first and she would often get blamed














. It was helpful when she was littler, and I thought it would be a good skill for the schoolyard....but it turns out it isn't an issue on the schoolyard anyway.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

I work with three year olds. Sometimes, they need an adult to bring them to the offending child and to show them what to say- "tell Johnny that you didn't like when he pushed you and that it hurt you". Sometimes they need that extra confidence boost of having an adult there and showing them what to say and after a while, they'll start trying it for themselves. For a timid child, sometimes confrontation can be pretty scary, even if the "confrontation" is to tell another child you don't like him hitting you.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

She can say "Don't hit me!" and as a more important life lesson that will REALLY impact her "schoolyard bully" strategey is to tell her she deserves to be treated nicely by her friends and if she feels she isn't, she can decide to say "I'm not going to play with you." She can set her own terms, walk away if she needs to. Doesn't have to be snotty, but she doesn't have to take it either. Determining someone is not treating you well and leaving is a vital life skill. And reporting it if need be is also an important component. I mean, there is a difference between standing up for yourself and being a tattletale, but telling someone who can physically maintain peace and sort out justice if you have been wronged is important. Hitting back does not do anything but raise the level of tension and the severity of the next blow and lets the original hitter set the stage and have the upper hand. Walking away gives the power to her and she asserts her own power to change the dynamic as well as reaffirms her right to peace and respect. "Don't hit me or I'm not playing." is simple, effective and true.

3 yr olds don't really see hitting the way we do. You dd may be upset about something, but most likely, even if she doesn't hit herself, she can understand it as more of a lashing out than a calculated abuse and will quickly move beyond it. Like a pp said- by school, hitting will become much more rare and not random.

I agree- if it is "not your normal toddler/preschooler stuff", then, don't hang out. If it is a playground scuffle, a toy dispute, or an emotional time and it gets a little physical, learn to explain, forgive and empower. It is normal, and it can be a learning opportunity for everyone.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I think you can understand it is normal child development stuff, and still be angry/annoyed about it. The mama-bear instinct doesn't turn off just because it is a child that is hurting your little one, at least for me.

It also doesn't necessarily mean you act on your anger... but I don't think there should be any shaming of someone who admits that this is how they feel when their child is being hurt.

I do home daycare, and I will admit that I get angry when any of the older children hit my 11mo. It doesn't mean that I react irrationally, or terminate care, or hit the child back or something, but yes, it makes me angry. I think it is a perfectly normal reaction.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

I get sad when my child gets hurt but I dont get angry. I guess when you only have 1 child who hasnt gone through the hitting stage yet - or are lucky to have a child who never will - that is may be easier to get angry. When you realize its something your own child may do I think its different. Imagine having 2 kids, and the child hitting your child is one of your other children. Now imagine WHY this happens. Because the "offender" is hurting themselves. Would you feel anger towards the child? Or would you feel sad for both your children? The child who was hurt physically, and the child who was hurt enough emotionally to hurt your other child. I think understanding why children hurt others helps to ease any feelings of anger towards the "offended".


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

I don't know if this helps, but at a local Montessori school they do the "peace rose" thing which I really like.

If one person hurts another, you get the peace rose and you take turns holding it... first the child who got hit holds it, and they talk about how it made them feel, then the child who hit holds the peace rose, and talk about what they are feeling, and you do that a few more times. I think it helps to encourage the "I" statements... "I was really mad that you took my toy, and that's why I hit you" or "It made me feel bad and mad when you hit me". I do this kind of thing with my DS and he is able to express his emotions very well now (he's 5).

At younger ages they need a lot of prompting to "get" what you're trying to do.

As a parent, my response to the other child would be, "Don't hit (my child's name). It is NOT OK to hit."

My therapist taught me the phrase "It's not OK" and it works surprisingly well for both children and adults.









If my child was being hit, I would teach him to say that same phrase to the child and then if the child kept hitting, to come find me or an adult. My rationale is that it's OK to teach him to stand up for himself, and hitting isn't the only way to respond to hitting.

Don't know if any of this helps with your gut reaction to the event. I can understand being mad about it, you're a mama bear just like the rest of us and sometimes the mama bear makes an appearance!


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## elfimka (Mar 2, 2007)

Thank you, mamas! And thank you to those who understand my instincts and don't try to make me feel like a monster.

I think I found something that works: loudly telling the offender to stop. We had a talk again and I told her that I was wrong about hitting back, that it's really never ok to hit, and so on.

Yesterday we were at the park. She is playing with her 18 months old brother in the sand. Another boy comes up and starts taking the shovel out of my sons hands. My son does not let go. The boy gets frustrated and lifts his arm to swing at my son. My daughter jumps up and loudly yells in his face: "STOP! DO NOT HIT MY BROTHER! IT'S NOT OK!!!" The boy slowly puts his arms down and walks off. Daughter kisses the brother on top of his head and says "It's ok, don't worry."

Seriously, I am one proud mother. This was the first time she stood up for anyone, including herself, and just the way I would want her to.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Wow! That rocks. What a cool kid!


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## seamama11 (Jan 5, 2007)

I understand why it makes you angry, it makes me angry when my children hit other kids. My son is almost 3 and my daughter is 15 months and both of them (even more so the younger one) hit from time to time. I try to be right there to intervene, we often go home if my son is acting up, but it is part of life, and my feelings would be really hurt if mothers didn't want to hang out with me because my kids are aggressive at times. Mind you my kids are verbal and are sweet, but if they are hungry, tired or just plain off some pushing or even hitting can come from them.
i really don't mind when my kids get hit from other kids, of course I dont want them to get hurt, and it does hurt me to see my kids cry because another kids pushed them down, but I think it is soooo important to be there in those situations in order to model empathy, forgiveness, and show them how to better express themselves.
I have a harder time with moms who are so set in stone: you hit my kids we can't play...come on really, I think that is just silly. Now if there was hitting and the mother of the hitter never stepped in, that would be different.
That said when my son started hitting his friend every time we got together I stopped letting my son hang out with him for a month or so until that stage passed.
hope you find some peace in this, it really is life and our job is to be there, intervene, help prevent it, and deal with it if it happens.
I mean just this morning at playgroup my 15 month old daughter just slapped her little friend across the face. I feel awful, I was right there and tried to stop it, but it happened so fast. I would be really hurt if those mothers marginalized me....


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kimiko* 
If you have this visceral of a reaction and you are an adult with boundaries, life experience and appropriate filters, imagine how it must feel for the "bad" child when they have a wave of emotions burst through? Three year olds are still brand new to the game. They are still learning things that we as adults obviously still struggle with.









:

couldn't have said it better.

i'm another mama bear, but the fact that the op wants to hurt a 3 year old is a little scary to me.


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## elfimka (Mar 2, 2007)

Give me a break. There is a difference between wanting to hurt someone else and actually doing it. Just because my maternal instinct kicks in and I get angry at anyone (children or adults) who hurts my child and I want to do anything to protect her, doesn't mean that I'll actually hurt the other child (but I sure as hell will make sure it doesn't happen again, as I am a mother and it's my responsibility to protect). Do you see the difference?

AGAIN. Even though my children are not aggressive, I know it's developmentally normal for children in general to try to hit. Just like it's normal to.. mm, I don't know.. to try to throw rocks. Or to say hurtful things, just to see what happens. But that doesn't mean that I'll stand around watching other children throw rocks at my child or say hurtful things to her, just because it's "developmentally normal". Come on.

If a child continuously hurts my child, well too bad, he'll have to find other playmates. Even if it hurts his mother's feelings. This is just non-trivial for me.

I am done.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

yes the difference is you are mature enough to control yourself, and the child is not. I understand that. No one is saying to stand around and let it happen, but imagine if one day you have a child who DOES go through that stage - how would you feel if everyone went around protecting their child to the point no one would play with your child anymore? I can understand if its over the top ongoing aggression to say nicely to the mother (no need to hurt feelings just for the sake of it) "I love spending time with you, but I don't think our kids are a good match for playmates right now. Maybe just you and I can get together without the kids sometime" or something like that. I however, understand aggression comes with the toddler territory. My oldest NEVER hit anyone until starting school. Then he saw the aggression and started doing it occasionally too, though nothing like my aggressive child. I am glad I didn't act all high and mighty because I'd be feeling like quite the fool right now! (not saying you are, just saying its tempting to do so when you have a non-aggressive child, to think "oh I must have done something to create this non aggressive child" when really the credit just goes to the childs temperment - which is why the same parent can raise children who never aggress and children who do) Anyway, you don't have to stand around and watch, but you can try being "in the middle" of the play (this works the best for me, we play games where the adult is the center of the game, and it eliminates aggression for some reason). This way the children can learn to play together, you can prevent injury, you dont have to hurt the other child emotionally to protect your child physically, etc. It's win/win. You wouldnt want someone to hurt your child emotionally just to protect their physically either I'm sure, if the situation were reversed, which I hope for your sake that it never is, because I find its must easier to be the parent of the non-aggressor then it is to be the parent of the aggressor.

Anytime you are moved to anger like that though, it IS worth exploring. As those are human feelings, it's also human to sometimes slip a little in the control of those feelings. So I personally wouldn't just say "I have every right to be so mad I want to hurt them, because I wouldnt actually do it" to be on the safe side, I personally would say "why am I THIS mad about this? Of course I dont want to see my child be hurt, but should I feel like hurting another person, a child, even if I wouldnt act on it? What is causing such extreme emotions in me?" etc, and I'd work on it, and try to bring myself down so that eventually I could respond to the situation effectively without boiling anger and desire to hurt someone elses child. I ask myself how I could feel if the situation was reversed. I would ask myself how my child could BENEFIT from the situation. I would take the opportunity to teach my child how they can protect themselves (without hitting back) help them learn when their playmate is getting to "that point" so they can walk away etc. So many skills can be learned in these situations that will prepare them for when we wont be there. I understand some people feel a certain age is too young to learn these things, but I dont think a child is ever to young to learn how to protect themselves without hurting others, and this is something we teach to one extent or another from birth, as these situations arise natually, which they will in a playdates with children that age. Again, not saying to stand back and do nothing, but to take hold of the situation and turn it around for good. It may not be a big deal to you, non-trivial as you put it, but if you are open to think from another perspective (which is inevitably what will be offered to you on a message board) then consider if it would be a big deal if your child was the one being shunned for normal behavior. Consider if you think it would be more appropraite for the non-aggressor to learn how to play SAFELY with the aggressor while the aggressor learns to stop being aggressive. Yes, we all do have to decide what is the point we will walk away too, even as adults, so there is nothing wrong with that. At the same time, its good to teach tolerance. I hope you can find that balance, I know its hard to find. If we expect everyone to treat us perfectly (or even to just never treat us poorly) we would be lonely. We have all been hurt and we have all hurt others. Even in this own thread things you have said were hurtful to others, and you were hurt by things others said. Should we all leave this board and never return? Or never respond to eachothers posts? I think not. We can all afford to be a little tolerant. Toddlers exhibiting toddler behavior deserve some tolerance too. Yes, we can walk away if it becomes dangerous. We can also think a few foul plays will happen in the course of toddler play, and we can take measures to prevent them. What would hurt your child more, sticking around to play while her mom prevented her from hurt and helped everyone work through the problems? Or saying her playmates arent good enough for her? Only you know the answer to that. My personality leads me to be comfortable with less friends that are really valuable - perhaps you only want your child to be friends with children who are just like her in the sense they are never aggressive. Just consider the fact your child may be a late bloomer and become aggressive herself one day, and how she would feel if her playmates couldnt play with her anymore. A healthy tolerance never hurt anyone. Even I with my limited friends have high tolerance of the friends I do have. I pick onyl friends who treat me good, and I treat them good, but they have their quirks or they something say or do something that upsets me, but if I expected perfection I would be very lonely. I am sure there are things I do that they are tolerant of as well. When it comes to children the things that need to be tolerated aren't the same. It's more abou toy snatching and name calling and hitting. As adults its more about unintentionally hurtful comments, dissappointment, occasional let downs, possibly some broken promises, etc. Children are not as complicated as adults, and there is no need to complicate it this early on. Healthy Tolerance is a simple idea. Children are more forgiving then we are, and I think its not such a bad thing to let them be.

It's tough stuff, I hate seeing my children be hurt (hug to you)


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## majormajor (Nov 3, 2006)

i understand how you feel OP. my DD is a very gentle child and used to get very upset when playmates hit. i decided to stop playing indoors with kids who hit (outdoors it seemed to be less of a problem, i don't know why). hitting may be a phase and a learning opportunity for some kids, but i didn't feel that i needed my DD to be hit so another kid could learn self-control, KWIM? she didn't need to be cracked over the head with a toy to learn play skills. i don't hit my kids, and i don't put them in a situation when i know there's a very good chance someone else will hit them.

one time, at the playground, a little boy pulled out a LARGE clump of DD's hair. her head was bleeding. yes, i wanted very badly to hit him. of course i didn't. but i understand wanting to.

DD still knows to yell DON'T HIT ME! if someone tries to or hits her. but i didn't intentionally expose her to hitters, biters, or hair-pullers so she could learn that.

so no, i don't think you're overreacting.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majormajor* 
i don't hit my kids, and i don't put them in a situation when i know there's a very good chance someone else will hit them.

that works for me when it comes to adults, but my first child is the ONLY child we have ever come in contact with in real life who didn't go through the hitting phase, so never letting my child experience a play date because someone may try to hit them (which was nearly always preventable without canceling the play date completely) just didn't feel like the best option for my child. I understand how some parents may feel otherwise though, its just something to consider.


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## MammaV (Jul 13, 2002)

I've read through the posts and have seen some great ideas and responses. One thing I haven't seen addresses is the personal space issues. My now 4 yo had a hard time with hitting when he was in his 3s. He needed his personal space boundaries. He had one little girl friend in particular who never respected that. She was a passive, calm girl who was never spanked, and who never hit any other kids, however, she would not get out of his space. He would start by asking her to leave him alone, then it would escalate to a yell of "get away from me", then he'd hit her. Generally, my son was the one in trouble for yelling and hitting. I'm not trying to imply that your DD has a personal space issue, but if you do have one particular friend who seems to always get physical with your daughter, maybe there's a trigger that you're not aware of. By closely watching my DS and his little friend during play dates, I could make sure that personal space was addressed and never escalated to violence - verbal or physical. It made for them to be much better playmates. Soon DS's little friend realized the space issue - after much conversation and modeling, and now at 4 the LOs play very well together and really enjoy each other's company.
They do grow out of hitting, sometimes faster than you realize.
Teaching your kids appropriate boundaries, ie, it's not ok to hit ever, is wonderful. Ensuring that little things don't boil over in short order with immature toddlers is also key.
Even in the example you gave of your DD standing up for your DS. If the other boy had been offered a different sand toy, perhaps there would have been three happily playing children, instead of one frustrated boy, a mystified toddler and a defensive big sister.
I hope your daughter will have many good pals and playdates.


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## L'lee (Dec 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elfimka* 
I think I found something that works: loudly telling the offender to stop. We had a talk again and I told her that I was wrong about hitting back, that it's really never ok to hit, and so on.

Yesterday we were at the park. She is playing with her 18 months old brother in the sand. Another boy comes up and starts taking the shovel out of my sons hands. My son does not let go. The boy gets frustrated and lifts his arm to swing at my son. My daughter jumps up and loudly yells in his face: "STOP! DO NOT HIT MY BROTHER! IT'S NOT OK!!!" The boy slowly puts his arms down and walks off. Daughter kisses the brother on top of his head and says "It's ok, don't worry."

That is AWESOME! That is EXACTLY what I would recommend, as the mother of a sometimes hitter/pusher. My son went through a phase at about 2 1/2 where he was pushing anyone and everyone (including babies after ogling over them for a few minutes, which was so painful for me to see), apparently to see what would happen. It was very embarrassing for me as his mother, and I would talk to him about it constantly, and I felt like the message didn't really get through. Sometimes I didn't even really do anything about it when it happened several times in a row, because I was feeling so frustrated and hopeless and I felt like such a bad mama. However, when another child would tell him NO in a strong voice, I could see how it was the best thing for him and he really listened. I have encouraged some of his friends to do the same as your daughter did, and I've tried to give my son words to use if this happens to him or he has a toy grabbed away.

Another thing I would encourage you to think about is how you would feel if your child were the one hitting (which could happen sometime, it's not a factor of how good a parent you are or how gentle you are with your child), and to realize that it can be very hard to be in that position as well. When my son was pushing regularly I considered not going to play group at all, and I think that would have been a bad thing because he needed to work through this phase. I felt bad and apologized to other children who were hurt and encouraged him to do the same although most of the time he refused because he had done it on purpose and wasn't really sorry. ("How about if you say I'm sorry that she's hurt instead of I'm sorry that you pushed her?" would work sometimes) I would have been even more embarrassed if one of our friends refused to play with him because of this, although I would have understood. Some other friends of ours have gone through similar stages, and it seems that if a gentle family helps their child work through this then it is just a phase, and it can be harmful to label the child as "a hitter" or a bully, so I would definitely be careful about that.

I hope that this helps, and it sounds like you're on the right track!


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

There but for the grace of God...next time it could be your kid doing the hitting, or pinching, or whispering not-nice things on the playground, or ganging up on a smaller child, etc...I think a place of compassion is a good place to start.

"Don't hit me!" is a great place to start.


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## Atwate10 (Dec 28, 2008)

Well...as a mom of three dc who does daycare, I have to say that hitting is pretty much a part of our life. The 6 & 4 year old don't hit much, but my 2yo ds and the 1 yo dc kid do. My kids don't typically hit other friends who they don't spend a lot of time with, though it has happened. I would feel really bad if a mom decided to end our dc's friendship over it, but I don't know what else to say. Except that I really, really loathe it when people label a THREE YEAR OLD a bully.

Anyway, I get that it bothers you, especially because your dd probably spends most of her time with adults. But it has been my experience that when kids spend enough time together, someone's going to get hit, though BellinghamCrunchy seems to have had a different experience. I guess you have to weigh your options, and decide how many friends you feel your dd needs.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

My 5 year old has also never ever pushed, hit, kicked, etc another child. He's been in a pre-school setting, early intervention with me with him first then special needs pre-school since then, since he was 15 months old...I think the reality of being in a special needs class, especially an autism specific class, is your kid is going to be hit, pushed, whatever...it just happens without the other kid even knowing that what they have done is in the least bit wrong.

Anyway,my point, he has NEVER picked up on this, never. And I don't think avoiding all kids who hit is the answer...it's not possible for some of us, and I don't think a kid hitting other kids necessarily means they are a "bad" kid.

Ohh, and I don't have a good answer. The first time one of my kids was hit was at a mall play area, a kid who had to have been at least 7 slapped Janelle, who wasn't yet 2, for wearing shoes (robeez) in the play area...I stood up immediately, was nursing Kincaid nearby, and got to the girl in time to grab her hand just before she slapped Janelle again... The mom was not impressed that I grabbed her daughter, but I honestly didn't care.







: Janelle DID pick up slapping from this...she slapped dh and I and her brother (6 months at the time) for probably a month before we finally got it to stop...


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## hipmummy (May 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elfimka* 
IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

My 3yo daughter has never ever hit anyone. EVER. She has never pushed anyone (at least on purpose). She just doesn't have it in her.

Today her friend that she plays with on a regular basis came up to her when she was laying down, and tried to pull her hair and almost dragged her.

Another time her other friend fell down, was crying, and my daughter came up and asked if she was ok. The friend pushed her.

When I see my daughter's eyes after something like this happens, it makes me SO ANGRY that I have to hold myself back to not go hurt that other child.

I stopped seeing a few friends whose kids have hit or hurt my daughter in some way, and I feel like we are running out of friends. In my head I understand that they are 3 and they are learning and it's good that these situations are happening in front of my eyes and not at a school playground where I can't discuss it with her. And on the other hand, I feel like there is no reason to take a chance of this happening and it's my job to shelter her from these negative experiences.

After those times, I talked to my daughter and told her that if something like this happens again, she needs to tell the offender to stop. And if they don't listen, to go ahead and push/hit them back.

What would you do? How do you handle this? How do you get your cool back after something like this happens?


As a parent who has a child that piches and grabs. It is not fair to drop your friends. I have been hurt by many so called "friends" because my child grabs faces. Ds is very intense is not doing it out of aggression. most of the time it is the opposite and he is trying to show love or affection. Obviuosly no one wants to see their child get hurt, but remember there are two sides to every story. We are a GD family and ds still does it. It is NORMAL for children to hit,pull,pinch bite etc. When i play with certain children I stay right next them at all times and I distract ds when he gets the "look" in his eyes. I try to prevent the event. But, I do beg everyone to stop judging parents and be a friend to the parent. It makes it worse because now the child is shunned and will have more problems.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I

IMO, your reaction (wanting to hurt the offending child) is extreme. I understand wanting to protect our dc from harm and hurts, but these are truly small harms and hurts. They get over them very quickly, esp if we support them in resiliency and take steps (supervision) to make sure it isn't happening repeatedly. And it is a phase that the vast majority of children outgrow before school age, when your dc might be on playgrounds without your protection. Try to remember that it is normal, although undesirable, childish behavior.

I'm actually shocked it's not every mothers natural reaction to want to hurt someone (no matter who/how small) who hurt their child (again, no matter how minor)...she didn't say she acted upon it...

There was a boy in Kincaid's class this year who told him to his face while playing before school "I don't like you cause I don't know what you are saying" (Kincaid has a pretty severe articulation issue and has been in speech therapy since he was 15 months old)...my first reaction was to WANT to slap that child...I obviously didn't, but I have to admit I did cry, and I am still upset with this child...I don't think first reactions/emotions are something we can change, but we can choose to not act on them.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

Oh, mama, I so feel your pain.

I also have a very gentle kiddo who has never really gone through the hitting phase. We are dealing right now with an issue: we've just moved and the ONE little boy we know here is extremely violent.

He pushes, hits, kicks, throws and screams in DS' face. It's not "normal" agression: the people who staff his daycare have had some serious chats with his mom about his behavior. She feels lost trying to help him and frankly, every playdate with this child ends badly.

While I feel for her child, I feel worse for mine. He just wants to play! And this boy is SO ANGRY and out of control.

I've cut down on playdates, but he's the only social outlet we have so far! It's rough. I'll be teaching DS to say "It's NOT OK". Right now he just cries and runs away.

Anyway, I totally understand where you are coming from. For the mamas who think she's being harsh, I disagree. It makes me furious to see my child get hit and hurt. Surely every mother can understand that?


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipmummy* 
As a parent who has a child that piches and grabs. It is not fair to drop your friends. I have been hurt by many so called "friends" because my child grabs faces. Ds is very intense is not doing it out of aggression. most of the time it is the opposite and he is trying to show love or affection. Obviuosly no one wants to see their child get hurt, but remember there are two sides to every story. We are a GD family and ds still does it. It is NORMAL for children to hit,pull,pinch bite etc. When i play with certain children I stay right next them at all times and I distract ds when he gets the "look" in his eyes. I try to prevent the event. But, I do beg everyone to stop judging parents and be a friend to the parent. It makes it worse because now the child is shunned and will have more problems.









I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:

I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lolagirl* 
I'm trying to say this very gently, but I think you are overreacting. I have twins, and we never ever use corporal punishment of any kind with them, but they still hit each other fairly frequently. It stinks, but hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old child to do. Let me repeat that for emphasis: _hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old to do_. Please don't judge someone's child unfairly and then cut them off without a second chance simply because the child may have hit yours while they are playing together. I understand wanting to protect your child from harm, believe me, my mama bear instinct still kicks in when one of mine hurts his sibling, but I take a deep breath, separate them, and after comforting the hurt child have a discussion with the hitter about why the behavior is hurtful and inappropriate.

Honestly, I think you can use these sorts of moments as a teaching opportunity with your daughter. Explain to her that some people have greater difficulty working through their emotions and controling their more negative ones. As long as the other parent is engaged with their own child and is responsive to the hitting situations then I really see no reason to stop letting that child play with yours. As you are already finding out, you are going to limit yourself and your daughter's opportunities for friendships and socialization quite severely if you aren't willing to be more forgiving and understanding about these sorts of situations.

Edited to add, I wouldn't encourage your daughter to hit back in these sorts of situations. At such a young age all that will do is send mixed messages to her about hitting and physical violence. What I tell my kids to do is tell the hitter to stop and come get me for help if that hitter continues after the warning.

Hope that helps!

Yep. My kids have both hit. And bit. And so on. And I feel terrible for the kids they hit. It does help to remember they are 3. 3 year old's have so little emotional control (or any control really), its what makes 3 so much fun!

Quote:

There but for the grace of God...next time it could be your kid doing the hitting, or pinching, or whispering not-nice things on the playground, or ganging up on a smaller child, etc...I think a place of compassion is a good place to start.
I totally agree.

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?

you could really hurt someone grabbing their face by poking their eyes, or hitting their nose ouch! And, it would REALLY freak out my autistic 5 year old...like seriously freak him out, and maybe even more so than him, it would also very very much freak out my almost 2 year old.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.

Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cinder* 
Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.

with most children who go through the hitting phase (and most children do go through it) there is a time where its occasional and a time where it's increased. For me I don't continue play dates solely for the sake of the aggressor. I continue play dates for my child sake as well, if my child wants to continue the play dates. We wouldn't continue if my child didnt want to but I notice that with most children I observe, and having been a child myself once, that it would be more hurtful to not be allowed to play with a child then the "fights" or "aggressions"

A lot can be taught in these moments to the non-aggressor.
1) that they can still be gentle (do the right thing) when the other person is not. This is a lesson they can bring with them throughout the years.
2) that they can choose to walk away. They can learn they can be tolerant and compassionate without putting themselves in danger. they can learn to speak up for themselves.

I wouldn't cut out playdates but I would give my child options, and that would include the option to walk away or end a playdate early or decline a play date invitation. The same applies to their playdates with non-aggressive children though.

A child can be heartbroken over losing a playmate. Sometimes we have to consider which is more hurtful in the long run. I'm not saying the answer is always the same either, but as much as possible I think its best for me to let my children make this decision. I plan to do the same thing when they are teens. I trusted my babies cries. Now I trust their judgment in whether or not they want to continue play dates. One day I will trust their judgment about their friends. My mom tried to tell me who to be friends with and who to date as I got older. I just went behind her back, and the sad thing was I was never given any skills as a child to learn how *I* felt about things... its possible if I had that I might have chosen friends that are respectful to me. By my mom deciding who I could have play dates with, go to the movies with, date, etc, it told me she didnt trust my judgment. If she didn't trust me, the trust was broken, and I did not trust her. On top of that I couldn't trust myself.

Again, not saying to let your child be hit, but if there is no serious danger I would take the opportunity to nourish some life long skills that will help them
1) stand up for themselves
2) determine what their limits are
3) be compassionate

We can learn to live with the flaws of others without disrespecting ourselves then we plant a seed of tolerance. I believe that comes back to us - we are tolerant of others short comings and others are tolerant of us.

However, I feel very strongly that balance is important. I don't think blind tolerance is the answer nor do I think a sheltered life is the answer. I am somewhere in the middle.

Yes, its hard to see your child be hit. With my one aggressive child I find I get very very upset when they hit my other children - and that is my own child who is making me feel that way - at the same time, I can recognize there is an unmet need and skills that need to be built, for all the children involved. My non aggressors have learned what their limits are, when to ask for help, what they can do, how to stick up for themselves, etc. None of them have sustained serious injuries







I find often hurt feelings last longer then a toy being whacked on their head, at least for my children. I know it would be worse for me to say they can't play with each other anymore then for them to occasionally get pushed or hit because I wasn't fast enough to intervene.

Also, experiencing being hurt, and seeing how I respond to them when they are sends the message that they don't deserve that treatment. It reinforces it. They know mommy and daddy don't treat them that way. They also know others are expected not to treat them that way either. Additionally, and this is where sticking through it comes in, they learn that if you want to stay in a friendship you work through differences, and they also learn what they can do in these types of circumstances, and they know they are supported in their decision to either continue play dates, put them on hold for a while, a sever the friendship altogether.

Now, if I was at a play date and a child was like, trying to stab my child or something, then yes, when its severe I may have to make a decision about it for my child's safety.
but when we are talking about TYPICAL childhood aggression, it does more harm then good to stop play dates.

While yes, you should consider what its like for the other child, you must remember this effects your child just as much. You know your child best and know what decision is best for them... but consider what you wuld do if you had a second child who was an aggressor... or if you gentle child one day becomes aggressive.
Don't think it can't happen. I hope it doesn't, that would be wonderful luck, but if it does, what would you do? would you shun one of your own children? do you think it would be better for your child to see you say "we cant accept someone trying to work through a problem"

we have been through a lot in my family I guess, and we wouldn't have a family if we stopped relationships solely because someone was going THROUGH something. Learn when to walk away and when to stick around. I think people walk away in general more often then they should.

we'll I've rambled long enough. I hope everyone can find the balance or side of the fence that works for them. Just speaking from experience having 3 children of my own, 2 siblings, 4 cousins, and running several daycares as well as volunteering in school programs, and a good deal of education in the field of child psychology. In that I have learned, there is no one right answer, but that these are opportunities that we can either miss completely, or use to benefit our children for the future.


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## Asma Zaidi (Nov 14, 2012)

i m so angry rite now.....my daughter is 21/5 and she has been behavng alrite,till the time her cousin who is 4 has come to stay with us in the family home.he likes to hit her,scream at her and keep snatchng every toy she takes.i have tried tellng him that it is not right,but his mom gets upset if we say anythng....i tried telling her that atleast u say something,but she wouldnt also .just now he hit her on her eye with a plastic container...she kept crying n slept,meanwhile all she said did u hit her??" dont do it beta....dats it...wat do i do? she tells me..i wont hit him coz he is stubborn and an apple of my eye.the entire family is upset coz he doesnt play with any kid...takes away anybody toys and starts screaming won't stop unless he is given what he wants....and would keep laughing while hitting my daughter....wat do i do? i work 10 to 5 and my daughter is with her grandparents.......i get to hear atleast 1 story everyday about his nuisance.....

my daughter has started questioning my attitude.the way she looks at me....and now sometimes makes the same kind of faces that he makes and tries to yell like him which tell her to stop doing......

everytime something like this happens,she gives me such a hurtful look...i cant be dere al lthe time and have tried tellng his mother but she wont listen...wat do i do?

i feel like cryng.....like dis my daughter wouldnt trust me and wont look up to me..


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## moving toward (Nov 14, 2012)

i really struggle with this as well because I was bullied a lot as a child both by my peers and family - I see the look in my dd's eyes when something like this happens though and it's not the look I'm expecting. She is actually ok with it and just moves away. She gets more upset when I react, I feel like me intervening really affects her confidence levels so although I still "be there" and intervene if a problem is brewing, I don't over react to her being hit/pushed etc.

Generally I'll firmly say to the child who offended, we don't do that, please make sure she is ok. (I don't force sorry's) I try very hard not to scold or make the other child feel bad. If another parent is there I'll just tell them and let them deal with it. My dd has learnt to stand back when bigger kids come barging through and I've noticed her grip gets tighter on objects when kids try and snatch so she is learning to stand her ground. I do feel sad when I see her moving out of the way at the playground of kids who are clearly ott in behaviour and who are not being supervised by their parents as I wonder if she is learning that mean people get their way but I think it's a fact of life that just because you are in the right doesn't mean you don't act with self preservation in mind.


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

I wasn't really bullied as kid BUT I was extremely shy and easily coerced into doing things and so when I was 7 my parents signed me up for a karate class. What I learned there was a tremendous help and big confidence booster. It was made very clear that I was never to use my 'strength' to harm anyone, but if push came to shove I was able to defend myself and I learned that I didn't have to be afraid to voice my concern or opinion - because I knew I could stand my ground. It still took alot of work for me to come out my shell and at almost 30 I have moments where I shy back, but had I not taken that class all those years ago, I doubt I would be the person I am today. I currently have a 12mo DD. I see alot of myself in her at times but thankfully her reserve is much less. She's a bull in a china shop physically but mentally she still get's a bit frazzled over little things. I would absolutely step in if I felt someone was harming her in any way - no one should have to feel put down, I don't care if it comes from a stranger or a family member.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Welcome Asma and Moving! Please note that this thread is a few years old so the discussion will not progress the way and active thread moves forward. You are welcome to post to revive this thread but you may get more active participation in a thread by starting a new topic. Sassy, good tip about martial arts!


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