# How do you "discipline" not to hit/bite



## delighted.mama (Jan 29, 2003)

: How do you discipline a 15 month old not to hit or bite? I know that she does this in order to vent her frustrations. Sometimes she does it because she thinks its funny. But, I don't want to encourage this behavior. I'd like to hear what you do?

I was reading in the "Toddler Whisperer" that you should tell your toddler, firmly, but not with anger "No, that hurts_____" or something to that effect. This tactic should be applied with everyone, including when the toddler hits the dog. It should n't ever be made into a game or a guilt trip. Then, the book suggests that you give voice to your toddler's feelings, such as "I know you wanted the glass, but it isn't for you to play with."

Anyway, I'm just wondering how some of you go about teaching not to hit or bite or pull hair?

Libby


----------



## fishy (Dec 8, 2001)

discipline means to teach. you teach her not only that it hurts, but also give her an alternative. "please dont bite mommy, that hurts, here, heres a pillow if you feel like biting. "

like you said, she is frustrated and doesnt know what to do with herself. but its not enough to tell her what not to do, make sure you tell her what she can do.

and, it wont last, i promise.









good for you for being gentle and loving with her. but id ditch the book (not that you asked my opinion on the book, lol) get Sears' discipline book!


----------



## geekmom (Jan 12, 2002)

I've been having great success with all my little ones with not saying "no" at all (since they tend to laugh at that at 15 months) instead I take their little hands and move them gently over the person they're hitting (me or a brother) and say "gentle". My 14 month old (now 15 months old) was hitting the 7 month old on the head over and over again pretty often. I just moved his hand in a petting position on the baby every time he did it (usually trying to catch his hand before it landed) and said, "gentle". Amazingly only a few weeks later he's doing just about no hitting. This worked also with my now 24 month old when he was in his teen months.

I don't know what about it works, but the "no's" or timeouts didn't really work much at all.


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

i say "hitting/biting/pulling hair hurts people" and then redirect. it's a natural phase that all kids go through. it does pass. don't turn it into a big deal---or else it could become one. your child inately wants to be social.


----------



## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

This just takes a lot of attentiveness and work on the part of the parents.

If you have a biter you need to be constantly on the alert. You need to intervene and tell the toddler that biting hurts. If he's being rough (hitting pullling hair) "be gentle" using a soft voice and take the toddler's hand and model "gentle", "love the kitty."

But, without being angry or violent (hypocracy) don't *allow* the toddler to either hit or bite. By your actions (zero tolerence) you are conveying you take this seriously. This sort of parental authority (not the old fashioned spare the rod kind) provides security to a young child. Your son will *know* that you are there for him to guide him and not allow him to stray down poor paths.

For most children this really doesn't last too long.

DB


----------



## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

For some children, the frustration is not being able to express themselves. Why not give them one of those hotel front desk bells. Everytime they try to bite or hit, have them ding the bell. Then you can become aware of the problem and make yourself available to hear them out.

a


----------



## QueenSheba'sMom (Feb 4, 2003)

I found that "gentle" didn't work for us after a few months.

I tried eye contact. Worked for a little while, then kaput.

Now what works the best for me is immiediately removing her from the situation when she bites.

For example, we're playing on the couch, she bites & the next thing you know she's standing on the other side of the room, and playtime is momentarily over.

It drivers her crazy, and has worked very well.

As I move her I say "we don't bite, sweetheart. It hurts people." in a gentle voice.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

: Hitting has been a hard one for Angelo....and throwing things at mama









He does it with a big smile and tries to comfort who he hurt after.


----------



## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

My son (2.5) has been going through a hitting phase recently. I REALLY hate it when he hits me and I've been on edge for the last few weeks anyway... I really lost it with him one day and yelled, "DON'T HIT ME!!!!" Great parenting, that.

Anyway, since then, I've adopted a new policy - if he hits me I (very, very gently) hold both his hands and look directly at him and I say, "STOP. You may not hit me. It hurts and I don't like it. We don't hit people in this house." He always apologizes and give kisses and hugs, but oh, man does it push my buttons.

I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to overreact. Argh. It is hard.


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

DS only hits or bites me when he's tired and needs a nap. It took me a while to figure out that it was caused by tiredness. Now if he comes up to me and smacks me across the face, I put him to bed. He just goes right to sleep. It's the wierdest thing. He just can never admit when he's tired. Oh well.


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

You can't MAKE a child stop hitting or biting. There is no "discipline" technique that forces them to cut it out. Punishments just cause the child to channel the underlying issues/emotions to some other behaviour, without the child gaining any understanding of the problem or how to deal with it effectively.

Do what fishy, sparklemom say. This is a phase, and it will pass pretty quickly, even if you did nothing at all ('course if you turned it into a power struggle it will last forever, lol).


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

At this phase about all you can do is provide information ("that hurts!") and redirect. With slightly older toddlers and children, I think its also important to model how you want a child to react to others hitting or biting them -- move away from the child so you don't continue to get bitten or hit. You don't have to move far, just out of range.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

One thing in addition to what has already been said (explain, redirect, etc)- help dc find a way to express what she was trying to express be biting/hitting. Give her a way to tell you she's frustrated.

For example, my ds (17 mos now, but this was a couple mos ago) would hit when I got too close to his face, if he wanted space. I told him "If you want me to back off, just hold your hand up, like this" and held my hand up like "stop". He's more likely now to do that than hit now.
He has thrown books when he wants them read. I tell him that it would hurt if it hit somebody and that he could "show me the book, and point to it." He definitely does that instead of throwing, mostly.

That, combined with explanations and "If you want to bite, you can bite on this toy." should really help.

Quote:

Then, the book suggests that you give voice to your toddler's feelings, such as "I know you wanted the glass, but it isn't for you to play with."
ita with the part about giving voice to a toddlers feelings- very important.
I'd add "It's unsafe to play with. Let's find another cup you CAN play with." I think its important, especially for young kids, to give them alternatives that "honor the original impulse." It definitely is easier to understand, and follow through, a "no" when you also have a "yes"


----------



## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
You can't MAKE a child stop hitting or biting. There is no "discipline" technique that forces them to cut it out.

Well, I kinda have to disagree with this. I think DebraBaker has a good perspective on this one. You can't use punishment to teach them not to do it "next time" at this age-- a child this age just can't remember or generalize about a situation well enough for that anyway, even if punishment was "effective," which I don't think it is. But you also just can't allow them to hit or bite or be violent, either. (Maybe it's because I come from a background of pacifism; I was taught and I believe that violence is a moral outrage, in any form.)

So you intervene, and either remove them from the situation entirely, or physically prevent them from doing the biting, etc. With my DD, I hold her by the wrist of the hand that's hitting, and lift her up to my eye level. Then I look directly at her and tell her that hitting hurts, and that getting hurt makes people sad. I tell her that I understand that she's angry or frustrated but that hitting is not right. I then redirect her to some more acceptable activity. I don't raise my voice or try and sound "harsh." But I also don't use the same tone I'd use when saying that she has to sit down in the bathtub or not put peas in her nose, either. Violence is shockingly wrong, even when it's just toddlers, and I want her to feel and hear that I believe that. So I use the same urgently concerned tone that I'd use if she ran in the street.

Sometimes I have to hold her awhile until she's finished expressing her anger and frustration by crying or tantruming. If she resorts to kicking or hitting me, I'll put her down in a safe place and sit nearby talking quietly. I don't punish, because punishment is pointless with a toddler. But I also don't allow her to hurt me or others.

She's 16 months, but I've also used similar techniques with the children I've worked with, who've ranged from 4 to 7 years old.

I don't think that "it's just a phase" is an enough of an excuse when violence is involved, and I think it's not appropriate or correct to do nothing about it. I think it's necessary to take a strong stand against a child hurting others. I want to communicate that hurting others is shockingly wrong. Moral outrage is what I feel when I am confronted with violence, and empathy for the victims, and that's the attitude I want to model for my child.


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra*
I don't think that "it's just a phase" is an enough of an excuse when violence is involved, and I think it's not appropriate or correct to do nothing about it.

I didn't suggest that you should do "nothing" about it. I just don't think you should practice a technique with the specific goal of abolishing the behaviour because I think that would be unrealistic.

Quote:

I think it's necessary to take a strong stand against a child hurting others. I want to communicate that hurting others is shockingly wrong. Moral outrage is what I feel when I am confronted with violence, and empathy for the victims, and that's the attitude I want to model for my child.
This raises an interesting philosophical point (hope I'm not flying off on too much of a tangent here). See, I don't actually think that this "violence" (a 15 month old biting) has anything to do with "morality". It's neither good nor evil. It is simply an attempt on the part of the child to express feelings or to communicate. I think WE as adults make a value judgement and assign a certain degree of "seriousness" to the offense. And I think such value judgements are subjective and therefore inherently flawed as a basis for discipline.

I also don't think that children need to be taught empathy. I believe most children are born with a conscience and, at a developmentally appropriate age, they can start to understand that other people have unique feelings. When that age is reached, the parent can then act as a guide. Help the child listen to that inner voice that says "susie is hurt". I think the problem with treating this as an issue that is distinct from other discipline situations (like throwing toys in the house, for example) is that you attach your own value judgements to the issue and thus create the very mystique of power that you are trying to dispell.

Anyways, I don't know if I'm making much sense, and this is TOTALLY a philosophical musing, not a criticism! I just found it really interesting to hear you talk about the moral impact it has on you, personally. It's different for me (though I admit that my maternal instinct DOES flare up when DD hurts DS and I really WANT to make her pay!). At the age of 15 months, I wouldn't try to give the issue "power" by making a bigger deal out of it than it is. To me, it's not "violence" and it has no moral value, good or bad.


----------



## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

We have really different ideas about this, I can see that. I don't take your disagreement as criticism; I know my ideas are unusual. I did want to speak up though, just to lend a different perspective.

I know DD doesn't hit or bite intentionally to be violent. I realize that. She's just reacting and expressing her feelings at the moment. What I'm trying to do is to TEACH her that what she's doing is violent. To me, it's slightly different. To me, what I'm doing is labeling, just like when I tell her that a bird is a bird and a car is a car. I'm offering her what I think of as vital information that she doesn't have; namely, that her innocent act is, in fact, not an acceptable way to behave. I want to make a strong impression that will be remembered. For me it is a moral issue. I would use physical passive resistance to try and prevent violence in its real, terrible, adult form, so I don't hesitate to use it to stop my toddler from being "violent."

I also have to say that I don't think empathy is inborn. I think empathy is something a child learns from being loved, cared for, and empathized with, and also from observing others, especially trusted caregivers, acting with empathy and compassion. I have seen enough older children and adults to know that empathy doesn't come naturally, especially in a society so saturated with violence. I believe that my daughter will learn to oppose violence by seeing me taking a stand against it, and that starts now in her toddler years.

It's not about making her "pay," for me, either. I don't actually FEEL outrage when DD hits somebody. That's silly- she's only 16 months old and means nothing by it, and I as an adult can realize that. I want her to THINK that I feel outrage, because I want her to come to regard any act of violence as outrageous.

It's interesting that this thread and the TV one are running at the same time, becasue this is another reason why I don't allow TV in my home. Even the "silly" acts of violence that occur on cartoons, etc., to me are too much. I don't want my child to come to regard violence as normal. I want her to be SHOCKED whenever she sees somebody hurt somebody else, and immediately compelled to step in and help.

BTW, I don't react this way to accidental hitting, like if DD throws a ball and it accidentally hits me, or if she's just getting carried away during a tickling game or something. I only react this way to hitting, etc., that is motivated by anger or some other similar emotion. Although I do make the point, even in an accidental situation, that what she did hurt somebody. That's information she needs to have, that her actions affect others.


----------



## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

Biting is so common in the toddler years. When I was Director of a preschool, it was the biggest issue in our toddler room, and the one that freaked parents out the most. Generally, babies bite when they are frustrated and don't have the communication skills to convey that frustration. The best thing to do is to prevent the biting, especially if it is happening to other kids. My toddler teachers hated to tell me a child bit because they knew I'd ask them why they allowed it to happen. The other thing that helps is to help the child put the frustration into words. Model the language skills for them. This helps them to know you understand they are upset and why. It's not a coincidence that the vast majority outgrow the biting at the same time they become capable of communicating verbally. Yelling, punishment, time out, etc won't work in my experience.


----------



## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Biting
what worked for me was giving my child a biscuit or other food that was appropriate for biting on, while telling them, "kisses for sister, biting for [insert food]".

Quote:

*babies bite when they are frustrated and don't have the communication skills to convey that frustration*
ITA. Sign language has helped immensely with communicating needs/wants, and it is also great for older children, when they hit puberty and have melt downs, to be able to sign to you what they need.
In terms of communications, Sign Language is awesome!


----------

