# Why can't I just move on?



## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I delivered my baby on Aug 28th, and I feel like I'm stuck in time. I just haven't been able to move on, no matter how hard I try. My husband and I are ttc again, but even with that to focus on I still can't get over it. The pain sometimes is so intense that I am actually feeling physical pain with it. The grief is so bad that I could choke on it. I just wish there was a release button on me that I could press that would release the pain like air going out of a balloon.
I have 3 other older children from a previous marriage but this would have been my husband who is the love of my life and my first baby together. My husband's sister is due to deliver anyday now and that makes it all worse because I have to hear about that all the time.
I don't have any family, my husband's family is my family and I do love them dearly. I feel like they look at my loss like it was just a miscarriage, which to me it wasn't. I have had 2 other miscarriages that were just a few weeks along and this was just so different. I delivered a fully formed 19 week old baby and I just want my family to treat me like a lost a baby.
I feel like I can't even escape my pain in my dreams. Last night, I dreamed that my sister in law had her baby a week ago and noone told me because they thought I was some kind of freak because of my emotions. Last week I had a dream that every woman in my family was pregnant except for me.
I just want that pregnancy test to come out positive, I just want it to come out positive. Why does it take so long to get pregnant? There are sperm there when they should be, so why don't I get pregnant right away? Why does it take so long??
Sorry, just rambling, I'm having one of my "bad" days.







:


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I know your feelings. I was just crying over Alexis 2 nights. I mean it was full on bawl. It just doesn't seem real, does it? Its a hard thing to accept and cope with. But it just takes time.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momz3* 







I know your feelings. I was just crying over Alexis 2 nights. I mean it was full on bawl. It just doesn't seem real, does it? Its a hard thing to accept and cope with. But it just takes time.

It doesn't seem real. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I was even pregnant at all. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me at times.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

mommysusie--










I think you can't move past it because losing a baby isn't the sort of thing you just move past.

Not to mention you may still have some goofy hormone levels. If I hadn't known that it was hormones making me crazy after my last m/c, I might have had myself committed. It was that bad for a few months, and tapered off gradually.

Was your baby a boy or a girl? Did you give them a name? Did you have any kind of service? Talk about some of these things, tell us. That will help relieve some of the pain. Tell us, or a friend or your family your story.

Or write it down, keep a journal. Getting it out of your head and down on paper can help so very much. It kind of gives you permission to stop thinking about it all of the time.

Stress can interfere with pregnancy. You obviously have a lot of justifiable stress. Be gentle with yourself, patient with yourself.

It will get better.

Take care,

Keri


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

lolalapcat (can I call you LLC, Keri







) is right. There's no moving past or moving on . . . . .there's only standing still, in the pain, and moving forward back into the world again. I move back and forth between these two places every day, though I must say, I am spending more time in the present now. I am beginning to be able to have my mind free to think about other things, not always occupied with what should-have-been-but-isn't. It has been 6 weeks for me, almost 7 now. Things are finally getting a bit better.

Take care of yourself and just know that eventually it will get easier. It just has to, right?


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

As other posters mentioned, there is no such thing as getting over or moving on from a loss. There is healing and feeling differently as time goes on, but the death of a child is not something you can get over.







There are good days and bad days, but no days will be like what they were before you lost that child.







s to you as you continue on your grief journey.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

When DH and I came home from the hospital he made the comment to me that "things have lost their color, it all just seems so trivial"

And it does feel that way. But then there is the fact that the world continues to revolve around us and there is no way to stop it and allow ourselves the time needed to move on.

When we got home a neighbor came by with a 3 ring binder of memories and ultrasounds of her son who passed away in the womb at 18 weeks old. She said that she took pictures but no longer shows them to anyone because he was still so red at that stage of development. She said her family treated it like a miscarraige too. She said what helped her was writing down everything for a long while and talking to her online communities. She also said she wore a broach over her heart and whenever people asked about it (because she picked and unusal conversation starting one) she would tell them about her son and it gave her the opportunity to let the world know of his short time on this earth. She said it really helped her get through it. It's now been 5 years since she has her son pass away and she said she's now able to be a a stronger person than most because she's faced the death of her child.

That, what she said to me, was the most helpful thing I heard in those first days after Lasius died. She told me one more thing. Now when people start whining about trivial things, she can say in her head (and outloud if neccesary) "f**k you you guys have _no_ idea of _hard times_." And it is soo soo soo true. It's a lot easier for me to tell my family to F-off when they get so in my face when I say we can't come and visit on the day THEY want. Or when they complain about stupid stuff.

I myself though. I wrote a letter to my son. And I plan on writing another one soon. I lit 24 candles on the balcony for him on halloween. I intend on lighting at least one candle for him at every holiday we celebrate. I'm sending out Xmas cards this year that say "Happy Holidays, Amber, Shaun, Lethia, and Lasius" So they know he was here. That he meant something to us. They might not want to face it, but I NEED to include him. I NEED to feel like he really was here. Because sometimes it feels so surreal.

Do what YOU need to do you help you cope. If it means excusing yourself from conversations about pregnant women. Do it. If it means including his/her name on the Xmas card, Do it. If it means writing letters to him, Do it. Do whatever it takes to help YOU ignore the family members that don't take it seriously. Tell them to stuff it.





































We're here for you.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

You're never the same... and it takes time to get used to the new you... and to learn to live with the loss... or inspite of the loss...


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

sounds like a normal course of grief. and one thing about grief, the more you try and suppress it, the worse it gets. the way to "move on" is to allow yourself to fully feel it and embrace it. it's part of you, it's you and it's okay to feel it, be it, live it.

most of us are so overwhelmed by feeling loss and grief that we never want to fully feel it, but that really is the best way to cope with it.

when you feel like you are being swallowed alive by it take some rescue remedy, deep breathe, talk to the spirit of the baby you lost, tell yourself this is all normal and the feelings will eventually ease.

don't kick yourself for not "getting over it faster." i used to do a workshop on dealing with grief and loss during the holidays and one of the most common comments i heard was "it didn't get better until i stopped telling myself i should be over this by now."

i am 28 weeks pregnant now and i still acutely miss the baby i miscarried at 10 weeks. it's still a very really loss for me and i have to treat it as such.

be gentle on yourself mama and if you really feel like you can't handle what is going on, see if you can find a counselor who understands, that can always help....


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Fortunately or unfortunately, the first few months of grief are experienced in a haze of shock. The mind is so kind and I believe it protects us fromt he true horror of it all until we can truly handle it. Ins ome ways the 3rd - 6th month after a loss are worse thatn the first 3. The shock has worn off and you now realize that you will be living the rest of your life with out your baby. IT honestly and truly takes 3 - 5 years to fully inocrporate a loss into your life. You are not on any time table tob e done grieving. Take the time you need to love, grieve and weep for the precious one you lost.
Gossamer


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I beleive that we stay "stuck" because of our grief. Grief is such an individual process. I also don't think that it is being "stuck"...we stay where we are until we are ready to move on to the next step. Be patient, gentle and remember that you are wanted and needed here...no matter what.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Sorry to write so late, but haven't been around here much.

First off, I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your baby. It sucks that so many of us have to find this board...

I can't tell you to just get over it, like some people who haven't went throught this pain sometimes tell us. I still stay up crying at night, while DH sleeps soundly in bed next to me, while my DD lies in her crib, while DS1 sleeps in his room. It just makes me so upset to think that my younger son isn't here. Right after I delivered him, I went back to work and a good friend of mine said her condolences, followed by I'm pregnant. It hurt so much, but she is one of those "good" people who deserved to have a baby (she ended up delivering twins.) I was so mad that I had felt my son move,and that he was somewhat of my miracle baby since I had gotten pregnant with him the month after I had miscarried, and he ended up leaving me also...

I ended up getting pregnant once again the month after delivering my son, in which I now have my daughter who is turning 5 months on the 21st. I love her so much, but it still isn't fair. Why couldn't he be here also?

I did move on to the "next step" as I guess you can say, but I still feel like I am in the first step. It does help to talk to people about it, but only the ones here are usually able to talk about it, as others just think that it will help you if they don't bring it up. How wrong they are.... An employee that I work with keeps saying how I am not the person he used to know and how I have changed. It is so true... He doesn't know about the son I lost, and it hurts me because it is true. We are not the same person by any means. We lost our children.

Mary


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I know I'm not the same person that I was before. For one, I am more passive now. I don't let little things bother me. I am not focused on controlling everything like I used to be.
I contribute my sanity to being here. I was a the lowest point at my life when I hit the one month anniversary of my baby's death. I had just gotten my first period and had stayed up all night crying. That is when I found this place. I no longer feel like I am a weak person for feeling the way I do and not being able to move on. I know I need to feel this grief, it just hurts so darn bad.
My sil gave birth the other day and I got the announcement from my fil. It felt like a knife went right into my heart when I heard that. I had to get out of the house, I just had to at that moment, so I went out for a while and tried to control myself. I feel so much anger, sadness, hopelessness and fear all rolled into one. I know my inlaws have a right to be happy about their new grandchild and I do want them to be happy but it just feels like they are so "in my face" about it. It's like they don't even acknowledge my baby at all, they treat me like I had a miscarraige and now it is over so they just forgot about it and moved on, which makes me hurt so bad. My baby was just as much theirs as this new baby is, and I just wish they would see it that way.
I am also trying to live with the decisions that I made at the time I delivered. I was overwhelmed and made some decisions that I regret now. I didn't see my baby when it was born, I didn't name it, I don't even know what sex it was. I don't go to the same OB anymore and I don't want to call and ask but at the same time I want to know. I thought if I didn't know, it would be easier to forget and move on, but little did I know that the real grief didn't set in until a month later.
Now, I am ttc again and I am so hopeful but at the same time scared that it will take a long time to get pregnant again or that I won't get pregnant again which I'm sure are my own fears, nothing substantial.
Well, thanks, once again for listening. Reading the stories here really helps me.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

GretasMommy---Andrea, you can call me whatever you want! BTW, Lola is actually on my lap right now, she is my pretty long haired white kitty!

mimi n tre--Mary---I have resolved to tell more people about our losses. People know something happened, might as well tell them. And maybe it will help my brain a little, letting more out of it. I just thought maybe that could help you some also. And you never know who will actually understand, and help you a little. It could surprise you.

Mommysusie---Enduring a loss like yours does change a person. You are already seeing that some positive can come from it, as strange as that may seem. It shifts your entire perspective.

It's okay that you didn't see your baby or get more information, it obviously wasn't the best of circumstances for making decisions. That doesn't mean you loved your baby any less, you were just trying to make decisions that would help you get through it. No regrets...how could you have known, never having been through this before?

It sounds like your FIL and MIL are doing the same thing you did...trying to pretend the loss of their grandchild wasn't real, didn't count. They know. They just don't know what to do or say.

Now I'm going to say something that you aren't going to want to hear. I didn't want to hear it either, but it was good for me. You have to embrace your SIL's new baby. Ignore all the other babies you want, but this one....
If you ignore this baby, or refuse to be around it, it will damage the family. And you obviously love your inlaws. As much as it feels like it will, it will not kill you to be around this new niece or nephew.

I had to do this with my best friend. Give her a baby name book. Cry in the car. Take her supplies to combat morning sickness. Cry in the car. Go to the baby shower, and stay for the entire wretched thing. Cry in the car. Visit the new baby and parents in the hospital. Cry in the car. Visit at home and hold baby for hours. Cry in the car. It took a few months, but I no longer cry in the car. And I still have my best friend.

Keep talking with us, this board will definitely help save your sanity. It did mine!


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Thanks Lola for the advice. I do want to embrace this new baby, but it is so painful that I ache.
It's just too soon for me to be around any babies. I ache so badly for the one I lost. This was suppose to be a happy time for me and it is absolute hell.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Mommysusie--








Every baby will make you ache for the one you lost. I'm sorry you have to endure this. It really is the worst timing possible.

You did good, to let them chat for a minute, but to still be honest with your FIL that it hurts you. I'm glad your FIL thought before handing the phone to you...that's a sign that he understands you are in pain.

It won't always hurt this badly. That doesn't help you right now, I know. But it won't always be this way. It will get easier. I say this from experience, I truly, deeply suffered, and it is still getting easier. You will know this too.

My DH and I are doing our Christmas tree all blue too. What is it with men and blue decorations? But when you look at the tree, remember someone out in the cyber world is looking at the same tree and thinking of you, wishing you the strength you need to get through it. You are not alone, we understand.

honeybeedreams had a really good suggestion for when you feel overwhelmed. Reread her post...and try to find your own rescue strategy. That can really help.

What a good husband you have. You are blessed.

Take care,

Keri


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Thanks Lola, you really are alot of help.
Well, I got AF yesterday and this was the first month since my loss that I got it and didn't cry hysterically. That's a good sign, right? I keep trying to think "I *AM* going to get pregnant again soon." That seems to help me. My hubby is really helpful too. I really did marry a good man.
Lola, I will have to email you a pic of my tree and you will have to do the same. I bought blue snowman throws and pillows for the couch too, and a couple of blue nutcrackers. I thought why not go all out?
This week is a good week. I am very busy at work and that keeps me occupied. I work in the tourist industry and this is a busy week all over. My kids will be out in a couple of days and I have shopping to start on Friday.
So, all that helps.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Mommysusie, I'm so glad I can help. That's the thing on this board, not all of our experiences are the same, but we do understand and really care.

It is a good sign that you got AF and didn't cry! When you have lost a baby, or are trying for one, AF takes on so much more significance.

Busy is good, but don't get so busy that you don't take time to process the loss of your baby. You already know this, I know! I was really busy after my last m/c, and that 2 weeks came back to bite me in the rear. I thought I was doing so well, but it all hit later. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just reminding you. Let the pressure out gradually here, or talking to your fabulous DH, or keeping a journal, or writing letters to your lost baby...let the grief out, so it won't explode when you least expect it.

All of your blue decorations sound awesome! I have too many cats to use throws or pillows....that would be so much fun. Hmm. Must shave cats, then go shopping.

Take care,

Keri


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
Mommysusie, I'm so glad I can help. That's the thing on this board, not all of our experiences are the same, but we do understand and really care.

It is a good sign that you got AF and didn't cry! When you have lost a baby, or are trying for one, AF takes on so much more significance.

Busy is good, but don't get so busy that you don't take time to process the loss of your baby. You already know this, I know! I was really busy after my last m/c, and that 2 weeks came back to bite me in the rear. I thought I was doing so well, but it all hit later. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just reminding you. Let the pressure out gradually here, or talking to your fabulous DH, or keeping a journal, or writing letters to your lost baby...let the grief out, so it won't explode when you least expect it.

All of your blue decorations sound awesome! I have too many cats to use throws or pillows....that would be so much fun. Hmm. Must shave cats, then go shopping.

Take care,

Keri

I don't have a cat anymore. I have 15 hamsters though! I started out with 2 and well..... I don't have the heart to give any of them away so we just bought more cages. They are alot of work, but I do enjoy them. They are the long haired hamsters and I just love my little fuzz balls!


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

keri, i get what you are saying, but "rescue remedy" is an actual flower essence you take for emotional and physical trauma. it's safe to take as often as you need and can be used to get through all kinds of difficult situations.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

honeybeedreams---oh. Thanks for the info, I had no idea. I still like the concept of a self rescue strategy, which I hadn't thought of until you posted about the rescue remedy. So you inspired me through the misunderstanding!

Now I want to shop for the rescue remedy. What a good tool.

Mommysusie, the best pets are whatever you love! Although my Lola cat is longhaired, and I'll try to avoid that in the future. Longhaired hamsters----is their hair as tough on vacuums as Lola's?


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
honeybeedreams---oh. Thanks for the info, I had no idea. I still like the concept of a self rescue strategy, which I hadn't thought of until you posted about the rescue remedy. So you inspired me through the misunderstanding!

Now I want to shop for the rescue remedy. What a good tool.

Mommysusie, the best pets are whatever you love! Although my Lola cat is longhaired, and I'll try to avoid that in the future. Longhaired hamsters----is their hair as tough on vacuums as Lola's?

I've had a long haired cat, so I will say no. The difference is the hamsters are not on the furniture just in their cages. Their hair does get tangled and matted alot though so I have to trim it regularly (yes, I know it sounds corny, lol). My kids love them too, so that's another reason I keep them around. Alot of people would think that hamsters smell, but they don't as long as you keep their cage clean. They aren't noisy either, which is always a plus.


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