# I spank, I yell, I get mean... I want to change and need help.



## Shhhnevermind (Aug 1, 2013)

Most recent update on post #32.----

Before I go into what I hope to be a brief story.. I am hoping to hear from parents who have not always been the gentle discipline type, but managed to change to it with or with out difficulty. My purpose in hearing from these types of parents is because I feel like I'll never be able to turn it (my anger issues) around and I desperately NEED and want to.

So my title says some of the issues. I'm an honest person and at times too honest. I opened this account with the sole purpose of getting help for the issues I don't talk about or I talk about a little but not all for fear of judgment by other parents (i.e. my other mama friends). However, I also get that there are things I need to be judge on. There are times when I have been out of control, borderline/past the line abusive and I need to end that side of my "parenting" now.

I never dreamed I would be the type of parent I am today. I never thought I'd yell or spank. I am an atheist and I believe in humanitarianism to its fullest. For the most part I am kind and caring to people. I generally adore all forms of humanity and want my children to be peaceful and happy. Most of my friends would call me funny, honest, open-minded, and fun to be around. SO... where did I go wrong. It went wrong the first time I spanked and it worked. My daughter (now 5) listened and did as told. My son (now 2.5) never has taken to spanking and hits back, to which I have stupidly retaliated against... don't hit- here let me hit you to get you not to hit. I'm not a stupid person and yet I've done a lot of stupid sh** when it comes to parenting. I love them but they enrage me. I hate when I'm not listened too. I can't stand when I say "pick up your toys" 1 million times and then walk in to find a worse mess than the one I last saw. Mostly though I become the worst type of parent when my partner and I are fighting. Again I'm not a stupid person... Yet when I get overwhelmed and stressed out I take it out on the kids. It wasn't always as bad as it is now and its not always bad. I do yell almost everyday... at some point and sometimes its more of a raised voice than a yell. I don't spank everyday or week. We also have days when I'm the best parent I can be and everything is peachy keen. I KNOW I confuse my kids. I have vicious mood cycles for which I had help at one point but that help ended the moment I turned 18, lucky me. I'm in my late twenties now.

I have rage issues. I know this and I know where they come from. I asked my family for help financially to start seeing a therapist (again) 3-4 years ago. I knew then that my parenting was going to be effected by issues of my past and present. Certain elements beyond my control... some of you may huff about that statement and I don't want to go into all the details because then this post would be too long. But please note I am not one to play victim, I am accountable for my actions. I'm pointing out that I saw this coming. I knew the moment I first spanked my daughter that I would not only feel bad about it but that I wouldn't know how to stop. I never got help for my anger issues (not just anger but depression and self-esteem) and I'm still asking. Still searching for outside help. I have no extra cash. In public I'm typically the type of parent I need/want to be all the time. Not every time, but most of the time. I don't really need advice on how to be a gentle parent because I've been that parent... in public or when I have family/friends over. I purposely take the kids out for long periods at a time because I'm at my best away from our home. Usually at least. Lately even being out has become a challenge. In the beginning, it was easy as pie to keep my cool. It seems the more I have lost my control, the easier it has become to loose it. At this point I wake up feeling like a ticking time bomb.

My children are 5 and 2.5. I need to be better. Part of getting better (I know) means therapy to work through the issues that cause me to have trouble parenting how I know I should. I don't have the funds now but its one of the first things I'm saving towards. We are currently in the process of loosing our home and forced to find another. I say this only to help people understand where my current stress level is. I'm a SAHM. I have a partner, we are not married by choice. Our future tends to look bleek but there also may be a chance that we can change our lives for the better and soon. I want to change my parenting for the better now (yesterday) so that we can go on to be the type of family I dreamed about.

Anyways, I'd love to hear from those who turned over a new leaf. Maybe it happened the moment of birth. Maybe it happened later on. Whenever it happened, I'm interested in hearing how and what made the change. Positive stories are a plus! If you have never spanked or yelled and have never dealt with rage issues, feel free to comment, but it will be hard for me to relate to you. Maybe still, however, you could share some of your methods of keeping calm and collected during times of stress since I know there isn't a single parent out there who hasn't been stressed by the kids or by outside influences at some point.

A couple weeks ago I found an article by Orange Rino about yelling and how she stopped yelling for 365 days... now she's well over that. Anyways in the article she stated, she knew she had the ability to control her yelling because she didn't yell in public. I thought, not only was that honest, but that its true for me as well. I know I have the ability to control my temper, to get on my kids level, to listen and to discipline in a firm, but kind manner that teaches instead of indoctrinating robots. I want my children raised to be free thinkers. I know majority of the things that bug me now about them are going to be wonderful qualities in their adulthood. They are honestly amazing and extremely beautiful children... yes I'm bias but I hear it everywhere I go. Lately my daughter has been acting like mommy and its been a real eye opener. My eyes have never been shut to the issues I have. I did at one point think I could get a handle on all of it myself, but alas I couldn't. I try and I try again and I keep failing. Hence my searching for outside help... I cant afford therapy, but I'm hoping to possibly set up an online support network. I'd love to find others like me who want to change and just need a little extra support to push them on the right path.

Thanks for reading.


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## dalia (Sep 3, 2007)

First, I just want to give you a big hug. It takes guts and a high level of awareness to be where you are. I don't have too much advice, but I will say that I have made mistakes as a parent. I have apologized to my child more than I can say. I feel like apologizing is really important.

I'm wondering if there is some kind of program you can apply for to get you into therapy. Hoping someone else can chime in on that. It would depend on what state you are in but there may be some options for you.

Getting out of the cycle of violence is hard. I am a child that was hit, and so inside me is that child still. And I live with the fear that I will walk in my dad's footsteps. So far I haven't, but I understand a lot of what you are saying.

I know you said you didn't want any advice but I really feel like the more tools you have the better. Janet Lansbury's writings have helped me immensely. http://www.janetlansbury.com/

Good luck to you. I know you can be the parent you want to be. <3


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## mary934 (Mar 9, 2011)

For some Gentle discp comes easy because our kids are easy wired and maybe natural for us, but most it has taken a paradigm shift and the understanding that parenting and education is a process that takes time. The parenting pyramid starts with you - your ' Being' - focusing on yourself, health, emotional empowerment, leisure time also in your situation , in my humble opinion if you were also working it would help for many obvious reasons. The second level is your relationship with your partner - make time for that and don't talk about the kids . 3rd level - your relationship with your kids - focus on doing thing together , bonding, connecting , also around the house together and consulting them. 4th level correction or I prefer collaborative problem solving .

For anger - maybe your doc could recommend something

try to do things yourself - when we don't expect something of others , we don't get angry with them - if i want a tidy home = my responsibility , if i can get my kids to cooperate - great , if not it is on me - this liberates me from any negative feelings

check out mindfulness , meditation

reading - parenting books - my favorite Ross Greene the collaborative problem solving approach = the explosive child -lost at school check the web

Alfie Kohn - Unconditional parenting -

emotional empowerment - I like Byron Katie - she says - you can't fight reality . By accepting reality , you are now liberated emotionally to begin to be creative about meeting the challenges.

It is not easy and there is no magic bullet


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## luckymamaoftwo (May 25, 2010)

I just wanted to say that it takes courage to reach out and ask for help. You've making steps towards becoming a peaceful parent--by acknowledging that you need to change. Good for you. I wish you much luck! I can tell that you truly are a loving mama.


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## stellastar (Jun 5, 2013)

hey shhnevermind, good for you for deciding to change. You are doing a brave thing, and it is possible, I know it's hard, and you are doing the right thing to reach out to get some support.

I would recommend checking out a website called Hand in Hand parenting (www.handinhandparenting.org). Part of their approach is based on 'listening partnerships,' where you get to

talk to another parent about how you are feeling, and how difficult things are. They've found that simply talking about the feelings of anger that come up when we shout or yell or spank, releases those feelings that cause the behaviour. Then we are less likely to get that out of control feeling that leads to thse behaviours. Check them out, they have booklets you can buy that explain the whole idea (for 24 dollars so not too expensive, online classes, and a free online discussion group)

Lots of moms are like you and want to change and I think real change is possible, if you get some help with the feelings that are behind the spanking/shouting. What happened to you when you misbehaved as a child? How did your parents set limits? Talking about how all these things felt for you, to someone who cares, listens and shows empathy, can mean that you get to leave the past behind, and parent the way you want to in the present. Good luck.


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## mlins3109 (Apr 13, 2013)

I meditate. Daily. If I don't, my anger, lack of patience, and irritability comes out. Daily meditation has been the best thing for me to improve the way I react to situations and circumstances. I give my son the dreaded ipad and tell him I'm going to meditate. Everyday. He sees the importance I place on daily meditation, short but daily. Meditation is free and accessible now. It has changed my life.


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## greenkri (Jun 10, 2013)

I have a quick temper, and struggled in my teens and early twenties with getting it under control. I've done some pretty stupid stuff as a kid that I regret now. I got it under control before I became a parent, and I wasn't struggling with a difficult past like you, but I do still have moments where I have to check myself as a parent. Here are some things that work for me...

1) Acceptance goes a long way. Accept the situation. Accept what the people around you are doing. I'm working a lot now on letting hurt into me and just accept that I've been emotionally hurt, rather than rejecting it with anger. It's really hard, but it's also much easier in a lot of ways. Take a moment to consciously think about the fact that *it is there*, and it will be there, before you try to deal with it.

2) Letting things go. That was a hard lesson for me to learn too. It goes along with acceptance. I used to think that I couldn't let things go until they were resolved, or they stopped being the problem that got me upset in the first place. That is not going to happen, or at least very rarely. It took a long time for me to be able to do this, but once I started each time I let things go it got easier and easier. Take a deep breath. It sounds cliched, and it doesn't mean anything until you've tried it with the genuine intent of letting go, but it really really can work. This goes along with the next thing...

3) You can only control your actions, not others. You can allow yourself to let it go and let it be. You *can't* make people be and do what you want. You can't stop them from doing what is bothering you. This also goes along with acceptance but I think is even bigger than that. Focus on your own behavior, and your own responses.

Also, don't discipline from a place of anger! Find a safe place for yourself where you can sort out your emotions before you address things. I've learned (very recently in fact) that there are very few things that need to be addressed ASAP when kids are concerned. Sometimes you can take a time out for yourself if you need to. Sometimes it can feel urgent (especially if you have control issues like I do) but it really is OK to take a step back and let the chaos/mess/badness remain until you are in a place where you can handle it. Go in the bathroom and shut the door if you have to.

I found once I mastered the 3 skills above, I could actually start influencing the world around me a little more to my benefit. You can't change the behavior of others, but you can watch how your behavior affects the responses of others. You can use that information to find better ways of interacting with people that brings about positive results. I think this is what a lot of parenting is about too.

Good luck! You can do it!


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## bouncymummy (Sep 18, 2012)

I could have written this post, thanks for doing it. I've got no advice as I'm still working on this daily/hourly, but I'm following your post in the hope that I too can become the parent I want to be all the time.


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## Hopwood04 (Jun 28, 2013)

When you yell and raise your voice, you are letting the child take your power away. Lower your voice make your statement and turn around and walk away. Come back in a few minutes and if the child isn't doing what you told them to do, take something of theirs away from them for a short period of time. Don't take it away for a long period of time because you are then punishing yourself. But stick to your guns!


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

I feel for you mama!







I am also in the process of turning over a new leaf, so maybe some of my thoughts can help you too. My kids are 7, 4, & 2.5 - they run all over me, don't listen to what I say, hit me and each other, make messes etc...and it makes me crazy because I want them to respect and listen to me! So after asking repeatedly and being ignored, I would lose it and get all "Joan Crawford / Mommy Dearest" on them, and then feel like the worst mom in the world. This is what I've recently started that has helped:

- *The "One Time" rule*: I explained to them that I'm tired of being ignored, and we now have this new rule: I EXPECT them to do things right away the first time I ask, because mommy ALWAYS asks nicely the first time, and there will be consequences if they do not listen. I explained that I only get mad because I feel disrespected when they ignore me and disobey me, and I just want to raise them to be the best people they can be. I told them that sometimes there is not time to fully explain WHY I want them to do something, they just need to do it and then I will happily explain afterwards if they don't understand the reason. (Such as, telling them to get out of the street because there's a bus coming - my 7yo would give me attitude and say "Why? I don't wanna!" and get creamed before I could explain.) I told them the best way they can show me their love and respect is to listen and say "Yes, mommy" when I ask them to do something. In return, I ALWAYS show them my love and appreciation for listening to me, I hug them and thank them and tell them how proud I am that they are such good children and love me so much.

I found that they quickly became happy to comply the first time (sometimes they need a firm reminder by saying "Remember - ONE TIME, guys!") because they've realized I really do ask nicely the first time, and they get lots of praise when they listen right away. And they realize that since we started this "One time rule", I never get physically mad and my yelling has gone down from several times a day to very rarely, in only the most severe cases (like thoughtless actions that could result in serious bodily harm). The house is neater, with a much more positive energy, and table manners have improved, which makes DH much happier too when he gets home from work and we are able to have loving interaction and sit down to a pleasant family dinner. Clear expectations and positive reinforcement go a long way, and it makes everyone feel so much better!

Our consequences are usually time out or loss of privileges, such as TV, dessert, or playdates. I will frequently add on household chores, or natural consequences, like "I asked you to pick up the broccoli you dropped under the table, and you didn't do it, so you get to help me mop the floor now." I always explain the consequence and reconnect with them afterwards (especially after a time-out), so they always feel loved and understand why they got in trouble, and how to keep it from happening again. Some may not agree with my method, but in our case, it was the only thing I could do that is effective without spanking or yelling or anything else unpleasant.

A pastor I talked to said he had a "one time rule" for his kids, and their consequence for disobedience was to get spanked with a Ping-Pong paddle!








I thought that sounded more than a bit extreme - and I couldn't help but think, "What Would Jesus Spank For?" When he mentioned something about "Spare the rod, spoil the child", I told him I thought that meant a Shepherd's Rod, that is used for Guidance, not beating...more akin to FDR's saying "Walk softly but carry a big stick". He laughed and said, "Yes, but sometimes you have to use the big stick." So in my inability to get him to see my perspective, and my unwillingness to agree with his philosophy, I modified his advice to suit MY beliefs...which IMHO, are much closer to what Jesus really would do.







Best of luck to you - Hope this helps!!


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *greenkri*
> 
> 1) Acceptance goes a long way. Accept the situation. Accept what the people around you are doing. I'm working a lot now on letting hurt into me and just accept that I've been emotionally hurt, rather than rejecting it with anger. It's really hard, but it's also much easier in a lot of ways. Take a moment to consciously think about the fact that *it is there*, and it will be there, before you try to deal with it.


I think I get what you're saying about acceptance...the only thing I would add, is that you must also COMMUNICATE this hurt to the ones who hurt you. Otherwise, you are not only accepting it, but condoning it as well.

When it comes to children, they are naturally self-centered, and must develop their sense of empathy. It is up to us to help them realize when they have hurt our feelings, and by doing so, we empower them to express when their feelings have been hurt by others.

Example: Little Bobby says, "I don't want to clean my room - I hate you, and I hate those stupid toys!" Of course you're hurt and angry - you're his mom, you expect him to listen to your requests, and you probably bought those toys. Instead of ignoring your feelings of hurt and anger, you could take a deep breath and say something like "Bobby, I love you and it hurts mommy's feelings when you talk to me that way - it makes me feel angry when you act disrespectful and don't listen to me. I don't deserve to feel this way any more than you do. Let's make this better. Please apologize, and then we can clean up." Then later, when one of Bobby's classmates makes him feel hurt and angry, he will know he doesn't deserve to feel that way, and will seek out an appropriate solution to the problem, because you have given him a good example of how to deal with these emotions.


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## justmama (Dec 24, 2002)

It's a constant battle for me. I have a very short temper and for several reasons, I get overwhelmed with things that aren't my childrens' faults. And when my anxiety peaks like that, I yell. One thing that helped me is a mental image. My neighbor witnessed one of my youngest daughter's tantrums and was a bit taken aback since she has a very quiet and reserved only child and my youngest child has been described multiple times as "intense." But this neighbor saw me starting to lose it and gave me a great piece of advice. When you are watching your child start to lose their minds over something and have a tantrum that you cannot head off, try to imagine yourself as the eye of the hurricane. The storm is raging all around you but it cannot affect you because you are in the calm, peaceful eye where the sun is shining and hte winds have died down. Let the child rage around you but keep your "eye" area clear of negativity and anger and stress. When the child is done, you will be calm and cool and ready to address the issue and show love and acceptance instead of anger at the lack of control.


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## Shhhnevermind (Aug 1, 2013)

I just wanted to quickly post a thank you to everyone that has posted! I am planning to go through everyone's advice and links when I had more access to a computer.







My tiny phones makes my eyes hurt.

I also wanted to add that I haven't spanked my children in a couple months now. I did have a set back a couple days ago where I shook my child... Yeah... It was a "I want to spank you soooo badly that instead I'm going to shake you..." moment. Basically it was just as bad as spanking her and I was heartbroken. I have been trying sooo hard. It was after telling her to repeatedly not do something. This something is a trigger from MY past and when she does it I become a different person. Anyways I don't have time to elaborate but I am starting therapy 2x a week to deal with this particular issues as well as borderline personality disorder which it looks like I'm finally being diagnosed with.

After I hurt her, physically she was "okish" but emotionally she was devestated as was I. I lost my cool. I lost it because MY bad memories surfaced and I lost control. I apologized, I sat her in my lap and I told her what happened was not her fault, I was sorry, and I should never ever hurt her, that hurting her is never ok, mommy should never hurt her... she deserves better. I'm ashamed I lost it. I'm happy that she is such a forgiving child but I know if the behavior doesn't stop right now that will change. She will grow up hating me. I'm in therapy and I'm trying to move forwards from all of this. I'm trying not to dwell on this set back and reminding myself that I must do better, I will do better. I'm getting help. Thank you everyone again for your replies. I am reading them, I just don't always have the time to respond.


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## Songy (May 7, 2012)

Kudos for recognizing your weaknesses as a parent and taking steps to improve! Many parents never get that far!

I've been a teacher of young children for 13 years and I have to maintain my cool no matter how frustrated I become, which at times is accutely challenging. I find what helps is to imagine someone is watching me (and sometimes someone is!) Being specific helps, like imaging a specific colleague, the principal, or the parent. Or, maybe even a tv crew for a reality show. I can't say that I have rage issues, so I don't know if it is powerful enough for that, but seems to work even when I'm really frustrated, overwhelmed, or tired. With my daughter (15 months) I do this sometimes as well, especially when I'm just overall feeling like a less-than-stellar parent. I will pretend that another parent - one I think is really good- is watching. I read a blog somewhere that a woman said she became a better mom by PRETENDING she was. This resonated with me bc I do this sometimes, especially when I'm feeling like I'm overwhelmed.

Some general advice. . . Make a list of the behaviors in you and the behaviors in your children that you want to change. Then, pick just ONE to work on. It is easy to get overwhelmed if you are trying to do too many things at once. It is also hard to see progress that way. You might feel like you have accomplished nothing if one behavior is still happening and not realize that another one has improved. Working on one at a time will help you focus more clearly and be less overwhelming - you can just ignore the other problems and tell yourself you can deal with that later. That can be liberating.

It sounds like a big trigger is when they ignore you, so you might want to tackle this first. A few thoughts about that: when you have a habit of yelling, they get in a habit of ignoring you until you start yelling. You need to stop yelling, period (pretend someone is watching. . .) Also, check your expectations. Most young kids can't be left to clean up their messes without supervision unless they have TONS of supervised practice and a very clear understanding of where things go. "He knew where to find it. . ." is not enough. So, try stayng with the kid when you give a direction. Example: "Please put your shoes where they go." Then, stand there until it happens - don't walk away and come back expecting it done. As a teacher, when a child isn't behaving as I want, my initial thought is to look at what needs to change with MY behavior and to think that I haven't successfully taught him how to do it. Essentially, it is my problem, bc I'm the adult. We do a lot of practicing to see what it "looks like, sounds like, andfeels like" to do something - often making a game of it. For fun, we also practice - briefly- how to do it the "wrong way" and have the kids say all the things that went wrong. This practicing is very powerful. of course, it doesn't always work, but when it doesn't, you have something to discuss. "Yesterday you showed me how to put your shoes away. What did that look like? How did you do it?" Usually this is enough to get results. It will take up a lot of time at first - big investment- but in the end will save you a lot.

Lastly, you didn't ask about this, but it seems relevant. You talked about issues with rage and mood. Most doctors will never suggest this, but through personal experience with close relatives, I know this can be food related. Some people experience mood swings, rage, and or depression from certain foods. Any number of foods can do this, but gluten, artificial colors/flavors, and preservatives (like bht) are pretty common triggers. For example, my brother will have fits of rage to the point of punching a hole in the wall if he eats certain artificial colors, vanillin, or bht. I know a number of people who have completely turned around major depression ond mood problems with diet change. Generally, therapists,phychiatrists, and phychologists won't even mention this - and even DISCOURAGE people from trying a diet chane, which is terribly sad and I think criminal! Just wanted to mention in case a simple change might help you. I recommend a naturopath or intergrative doctor to help figuring this out, if that is available to you.

Good luck on your journey and keep us posted!

(Sorry for typos. Phone is a pain in the A**)


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shhhnevermind*
> 
> I apologized, I sat her in my lap and I told her what happened was not her fault, I was sorry, and I should never ever hurt her, that hurting her is never ok, mommy should never hurt her... she deserves better.


Yes!! I think it is ALWAYS good to apologize to your child if you do something out of line, good for you!! I have done the same thing and it helps SO much to repair the bond, to let them know you realize your actions were not appropriate, and most importantly that it's not their fault and they deserve to be treated right. Don't worry mama, you will get through this just fine!

Think of therapy as some "cocoon time" to cloak yourself in the ideal of what you want to be, process those feelings from the past that trigger your angry responses, cast them off, and emerge as the wonderful, loving mom you are!

To back up what Sonjagrabel said, I know first hand that foods can be triggers as well...a clean diet without preservatives and artificial additives is great for you AND the kids! My kiddos and I have awful reactions to things like gluten, soy, corn, dairy, shellfish, salicylates, BHT/BHA, nitrates, sodium erythorbate, artificial colors, annatto, "natural flavors", etc. I get low blood sugar REALLY fast if I don't eat enough protein, which makes me grumpy. I've noticed salicylates are a huge trigger for me, too much will give me a massive headache, mood swings, and make me hyper-sensitive to noise and other stressors...and they make the kids hyper through the roof, like they're on drugs! When the kids react to foods, their behavior can be unbearable; it's really hard to deal with patiently even when I'm feeling even-keeled. Check here to see if you guys might have symptoms too:

www.salicylatesensitivity.com - www.celiac.org - www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info

Eliminating foods that trigger behavior problems can really help all of you. Good luck and best wishes!!


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## EliteGoddess (Aug 5, 2013)

They are doing a free tele-seminar on nonviolent communication. I think you can ask questions and such. Register for this: https://org2.salsalabs.com/o/5590/p/salsa/event/common/public/?event_KEY=68087


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## jellybean1989 (Jan 5, 2013)

ahhh! i have been struggling sooooo much with this. thank you!


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## AndtheStars (Mar 25, 2009)

Huge congrats to you for being able to be honest with yourself about your challenges. I think that self-awareness is the first step to any change yet so many people don't want to take a honest look at themselves and admit to their flaws. Being able to say "this is a problem and I am the cause of it" is at least half the battle as far as I am concerned.

You have also inspired me to really commit to the changes that I need to make in my reactions to my children's behaviors to bring our family closer to the loving and respectful place that I aspire to. Thank you!


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## AndtheStars (Mar 25, 2009)

deleted, double post


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## GoMamaMel (Dec 2, 2011)

I wanted to tell you that this post and the responses brought me to tears because I have been feeling much of the same. I am encouraged by your bravery to be honest and your courage to look at yourself with honesty. Thank u for this post, thank you for your honesty.


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GoMamaMel*
> 
> I wanted to tell you that this post and the responses brought me to tears because I have been feeling much of the same. I am encouraged by your bravery to be honest and your courage to look at yourself with honesty. Thank u for this post, thank you for your honesty.


"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." - Thomas Jefferson

We all have our issues, we all have been wronged in our pasts, and our children's behavior brings out the worst memories and ingrained responses from our own childhoods.

May our honest introspection help us all further along the path to loving wisdom!


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## cynthia mosher (Aug 20, 1999)

Your post is wonderful and I think it is a major step in helping you to move forward in a positive direction to being the parent you hope to be.









There's lots of great advice and suggestions here from everyone who posted but i wanted to also recommend you read Nonviolent Communication. I think it has helped many people learn how to deal with their anger and communicate better.


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## mamaOearth (Aug 27, 2013)

While reading your post I thought alot about myself. The moment I changed was when my two year old was telling at her sister the way I had yelled at her. I never thought I was being so mean just frustrated. But it really hurt me to see her, a girl full of love and happiness interact with her baby sister as if that was the way to talk to babies. It pained me that she thought it was normal. She even interacted with her dolls the same way.
I am a child of abuse. I swore I would never break my children the way I was broken but I ended up doing it. I hated that I saw my mother in me. But I did nothing to stop it. The issues in me were being vented out on my girls. But one thing I learned as you have said you have, in public I was a great mom. That means you have the discipline somewhere to be better. Sure it's hard but you don't want to spread a cycle of hurt and damaged people. I don't profess to be perfect, I never will be. Sometimes I still mess up. But you're here on this forum and so am I... for a reason. I am not quite sure what's going on in detail but a book I've read helped me through my anger and gave me a different viewpoint on parenting has greatly helped me. If you are interested I'll gladly pass the title along. Keep trying, as long as you're trying there's still hope.


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## mamaOearth (Aug 27, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mary934*
> 
> For some Gentle discp comes easy because our kids are easy wired and maybe natural for us, but most it has taken a paradigm shift and the understanding that parenting and education is a process that takes time. The parenting pyramid starts with you - your ' Being' - focusing on yourself, health, emotional empowerment, leisure time also in your situation , in my humble opinion if you were also working it would help for many obvious reasons. The second level is your relationship with your partner - make time for that and don't talk about the kids . 3rd level - your relationship with your kids - focus on doing thing together , bonding, connecting , also around the house together and consulting them. 4th level correction or I prefer collaborative problem solving .
> 
> ...


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## mamaOearth (Aug 27, 2013)

I love what you said about not depending on others. Sometimes it's easier to do that and be upset citing powerlessness as a reason to be angry when the power is in you to change how you feel. In some situations that is the only thing you can control.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

I can relate a lot to what you are saying OP because I have had similar struggles with my own parenting (including knowing beforehand there would be certain triggers).

For me, the solution involved lots of research/tools in my toolbox to use gentle discipline AND giving myself permission to use other more structured stuff which works for my dd1 who needs and wants a lot of boundaries.

The solution also involved talking to my doctor about my rage which felt physical at times, and scared me. I knew it was not right to parent with that rage. She referred me to a psychiatrist and long story short, I started medication for depression, anxiety and now may be diagnosed as bipolar 2.

My psychiatrist put me on a very low dose anti-psychotic which she says seems to help some people with excessive irritability (like people with some kinds of autism).

I wish you success in dealing with your mood issues and working through this challenge in parenting. I can say that I am familiar with the huge knock to self-esteem when you act out in ways that you are not proud of.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I'm a survivor of abuse and have done a lot of work on myself. In addition to looking for money to pay for therapy, check into community based programs with sliding scales for services.

Also, check out self help books. Louise Hay has done wonderful things for me (or showed me how to do them myself). You Can Heal Your Life is my all time favorite book.

Yoga and/or meditation. I practice yoga and it helps me find my center and stay there. different things work for different people, but give yourself permission to start experimenting around to figure out what works for YOU.

Start to notice the signs right before you freak out -- what is the lead up like? If you can start to pinpoint the feelings that you experience in the moments before you loose control, then you can stop yourself before you loose control. There is a point where you are on your way to yelling, but before it has happened. Once you start to look for that point, and then make a DECISION to back away from the situation and take a few minutes before doing/saying anything, then you'll be on the path to speaking to your kids the way that you really want to.


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## ShamanMama (Mar 4, 2011)

I want to add my support. Thank you for your brave post. I am afraid I will soon be in the same boat if I don't get some therapy. I used to beat my younger sisters terribly when I was a teen and I know that rage is still in me now. I do not want my 18 month old to EVER experience my anger like my poor sisters had to (it is a wonder they speak to me now).

One thing I can say that was nearly miraculous for me was that for a year I quit sugar and alcohol, and it was the most peaceful I have ever felt in my life. I can honestly say I experienced a level of happiness and an absence of anger that has never been duplicated since. Sadly I went back to my former habits. I had a sugar binge last week and found myself seriously enraged again. Nearly out of control on my sister's 5 year old. Just had a talk with my hubs yesterday that it is time to seek real therapy, and it is totally something being triggered in me from my childhood. I am amazed that something that must have happened to me so long ago is affecting my life now... in my thirties.

Inner Peace to us all!


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Oh yeah there is also a HUGE thread on MDC called Parenting & Rage. TONS of good ideas on that thread. I will try to come back later to look for it and send the link.

One technique I learned was to watch my anger/rage as though I was outside of myself, notice it flare up and die down, and then act. It took an incredible amount of self control when the feelings were REALLY intense, but it saved me from doing something I regretted.


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## berrypavlova (Sep 8, 2013)

Love & Logic http://www.loveandlogic.com/ there are several books you can read and in many areas there are classes offered. This has not only helped us do a better job of correcting and guiding our kids, but it has virtually eliminated almost all of our frustration. It teaches you to see "boundary testing" in a whole new light and to focus on what you can and can't control as a parent. For example I can't control if my toddler wants to scream at me when he's frustrated, but I can control Where he does this. I've read lots of parenting books and this by far was revolutionary, it saved my sanity! GL!


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Here it is! The Parenting & Rage thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/394579/parenting-and-rage Excellent stuff in there.


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## Shhhnevermind (Aug 1, 2013)

Update: again thank you to everyone who has responded. I feel bad that I haven't been able to respond to everyone directly but I really appreciate all the thoughts, advice, links, and support given.

It's been a couple months now since I hav used unnecessary physical violence against my children. I had a moment with my daughter that I posted about but that was the only incident. I still have rage issues and although my yelling has decreased and is not mean anymore... I still yell at times. However, it's not daily. I feel more in control, I try to remind myself where the issues are in the moment and that helps focus me because my kids are not bad kids, I wouldn't even say they were brats, they are not always perfect "angels" but what kid is?

I'm working on validating their feelings, something I have always done to an extent but I'm working on in the moment and every time. My daughter blows up much like I do (duh, she's watched me, plus if she is anything like me... Well no explaination needed). I do my best to be compassionate towards her. Reminding myself that part of the reason I am as I am is because no one validated my emotions growing up. Put a sticker on it and shut up was the motto. I don't want her to be like me. She throws melt downs when she feels things are unfair or she gets hurt. I use to just think "brat! Brat! Brat!" But while the outburst seems extreme she usually just needs a short 2-5 minute burst of anger and then she takes some deep breathes and says she is done. My rules as far as the outbursts go are: she needs to be respectful of those around her so I direct her to her room, she is not allowed to break things so if she starts throwing things I remove them, and if I feel a "fit" has gone on to long I go in and remind her to breathe and give her a hug. These are not "I can't have it! I want it" type fits. They usually come about because I've asked her to help with cleaning up and her brother is making it hard so she gets upset and feels its unfair that she has to clean up a bigger mess because of him. Or she gets physically hurt in anyway... Stubs toe as an example. Anyways so for her I find compassion and understanding works best.

My son who was regularly hitting and biting his sister has stopped. I can't remember the last time he hit or bit her which says something because it was an every day, multiple times a day incident. My mode of discipline for him is counting and time outs. First I ask him if I need to count and usually that gets him to listen. If not I begin 1 (are you listening), 2 (did you stop what you were doing?), 3 (this is automatic time out). For time outs he folds his hands in his lap and they last 1-2 minutes depending on the "crime". I sit near him. He has always been a sweet boy but now that I have stopped spanking his kindness has blossomed even more.

We are talking a lot about being good friends to others. I'm starting a group with 2 of my friends who have daughters in mines class (kinder) and we are going to do mini lessons in friendship/anti-bullying with them. A book, a short discussion, and then some play time at a park. Easy breezy.

A couple days ago I was surprised and so very pleased with my 2 year old. A boy at the park pushed him and took his toys, my son looked at the boy stunned, puffed up his chest, got his stern face on and said loudly, "hey! Don't push me!". The other boy didn't push him again and he got his toys back.







Proud mommy moment and I didn't have to do a thing. I did give him a hi-five later on and we discussed it.

Anyways so that's my long winded update. Thanks for listening.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

You're so brave. I've been through so many things that you are expeiencing and could never find the courage to talk about it here.


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Yay!! So glad you're working though things in a good way....it sounds like your approach is having a very positive effect on your whole family. I LOVE that you're using so much compassion and patience with your daughter! I think you're absolutely right about the lack of compassion in your childhood; if more parents were compassionate and understanding, and validated their child's feelings, anger and rage would never be issues in parenting. The counting to 3 bit worked nicely with my DS as well, especially at that age. It's something easy to enforce without getting angry, and very consistent, where they can predict exactly what's going to happen: "OK, she said 2, I better stop now or I'll be on time out."

Good for you, mama! Keep it up, I know you will finally see yourself as the great mom you are!!


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## MicheleLea (Sep 11, 2013)

I was raised this way. My mother never truly wanted me and my grandparents raised me 75% of the time, but when I was with my mother she was so hateful. Screaming, yelling, silent treatment, slapping me in the face. Most people would call this child abuse now. I've never liked my mother for this reason. I realize she had a lot on her plate. Single mom, working a full time job and a part time job AND going to college. So she was beyond her limits when she had me in her care. I told myself I would never ever be this way. My grandparents weren't this way. My Grandmother was strict and almost robotic in her discipline. I acted out I got spanked. There were no emotions involved. The thing is when I had my kids I didn't want to spank them.

Here is where the hardwired behavior comes in. I didn't have a role model for parenting. Only role models I knew didn't want to become. This left me lost, especially since my oldest had ADHD and I took on a lot of criticism. I was beyond stressed. I lost friends because I couldn't control my child. I began to get angry with life and how when we have children it isn't exactly the pampers commercial that depicts the perfect family with perfect kids. My life had been turned upside down and I couldn't get help anywhere. Not even professional help. I went to see a therapist and she told me to grow up. At some point I had another child which only made things worse. I began to lash out. I would scream bloody murder. I was hateful. I had become my mother. I knew I had to get control of it. Nothing seemed to help until I read one small paragraph from a book. It basically said I was considering my feelings above my children's feelings. I suddenly realized that I had become selfish and had let all those people turn me into a monster. I realize it wasn't they who had changed me, it was their attitude toward me and my ADHD child. Their lack of understanding. Their belief that I was letting my kid get away with things. They didn't understand that no parent wants a kid like this. If there were some magical cure you better believe I would have used it. But life isn't that way. This is a long story so I am really only giving you the main details, but suffice to say I had to take control. When I could feel it coming on I would just go to bathroom or my room and just cry. Sometimes the kids would be crying and banging on the door, but I knew they were safer with a barrier between us. I WOULD NOT leave the room until I felt I had control over myself. And honestly, letting the kids have their tantrums wore them out in the process so it was easier to manage them once I came out.

So my suggestion would be to get control of yourself however you think you can and then take care of the kids. Leaving them alone will certainly do less damage than what you would do. I know it's tough and you are going to have a tough road ahead, just take it day by day. I found 123 magic worked for my younger son, but my oldest struggles with ADHD and Asperger's so everyday I just have to guide him the best I can because nothing seems to work. But, now that he's gotten older he will come and apologize to me for his behavior just like I did with them in the begging phases of my healing. Don't feel guilty it will only stir the pot. Just say tomorrow we start over and if you mess up tell yourself tomorrow is the day. Eventually you will realize how much stress you were putting on yourself to be the perfect parent.

-Michele


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## filamentary (Aug 15, 2013)

even if you think it seems corny, i think a 12-step group would be great for you. if you ever have been or currently are being affected by a relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem (dignosed or not, just off of feels that way to you), you could check out alanon (not the same as AA, alanon is for the ones affected by alcoholics/addicts, whether or not they themselves have substance issues; some people attend both AA and alanon, they are called "double winners"). a lot of alanon'ers, who have gone through life with the weight of the world on their shoulders, find themselves with rage as adults, so you could share and seek solutions in that environment. but in addition to what it offers in weekly therapeutic value, is the network of support. one of the important ways of using the program is calling either your sponsor (once/if you have one) or a fellow alanon'er who can talk you through your problem before you do something you might regret. there are soooo many abusive parents who have found help through alanon. i've met several.

if alanon does not apply to you, you can find a very similar type of support system in pretty much any 12-step group. people with addictions (as well as those who have suffered at the hands of an addict) have been known to act in ways that are hugely at odds with who they want to be, including getting into rages, hitting their loved ones, etc... hmmmm, there might even be a 12-step program specifically targeted to anger management? but the AA & alanon meetings are really abundant so no matter where you live it should be easy to find one at a convenient time and place.

think of it as free therapy if you are rolling your eyes at my suggestion. then go with an open mind and try it for at least 6 sessions before you form an opinion. you might be pleasantly surprised. and remember that you can ignore the god stuff, really and truly. i'm not sure if you're a secular humanist, but i'll assume that's at least likely. if so, really and truly ignore the god stuff. there are TONS of people, even ones who work the steps, for whom this program has been a tremendous help, who silently (or even not so silently, depending on whether you're in a particularly religious area or not) just ignore the god stuff.

i would be shocked if you didn't think it was nearly as good as therapy if you go every week and connect with other folks at the meeting, share when you have the chance, and stay in touch between meetings. and it's absolutely free. and free coffee/tea usually, too.









you will meet the nicest people who will admit behind closed doors to things that seem too awful for them to be capable of ever having done. and this will help you forgive yourself, too, as you realize you can still feel warmth for these individuals despite what they've done and where they've been. there's a lot of not-judging you will do, not only of other people, but yourself. and i bet forgiving yourself (and maybe, perhaps, those who have hurt you - not sure if this is an option, not saying it's necessary, but sometimes it happens and some people are glad when it does) will help the healing you need to do to overcome your impulses to angrily lash out.

one last thought... many parents who are a lot like you (angry behavior toward kids, but still very loving & emotionally connected to kids and wanting desperately to change) actually eventually "mellow" with age. obviously you want this issue gone yesterday, but at least know that you are still maturing and growing into an adult. seriously, late twenties, you are still a kid. believe it or not, you will become much more of an adult in the next 5ish years. i know of two examples offhand of women who, abused as children, had serious anger issues that were the worst through their twenties, and really toned down, almost like magic, in early to mid thirties. the one without therapy (or any 12-step program or any other help) mellowed completely by 45 (when her kid was 25),and the other one, who sought both therapy for a year and also regularly attends alanon, had it almost entirely under control by 31. everyone's different, obviously, and i can't evaluate whether the difference in when they got hold of themselves was due to those things (therapy/12-step program), but i think both examples are at least somewhat encouraging b/c you have to start by believing you will not be this way forever. it's just a matter of how soon you will change. and you want to try for sooner rather than later. which is framing it differently than whether or not you will ever change, which doesn't instill a lot of hope. and you should definitely try to approach this with hope!

sorry if i've gotten a bit long winded. be deliberate, and serious, with yourself. set yourself to an exceptionally high standard, because you want that for your kids' momma. but that doesn't mean be hard on yourself, mean to yourself, or lose hope. it's not always an easy distinction to make, but try to find it. i think it'll be hard to act from your highest self when you're beating yourself up, as opposed to setting a high standard and rising to meet it with a degree of (hopefully ever increasing) confidence. not only *can* you do this, you have to do it.

and if you are having trouble believing that, a 12-step program will put you in touch with people who will help you hold yourself accountable, day in and day out.

ok, enough outta me! i hope something i've shared will help!!!


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## Heronsister (Aug 28, 2013)

Your post touched me very much. There's some great advice here, and it sounds like you are definitely doing better now. Just wanted to say, some of my parenting behaviour has been unacceptable too and it feels terrible. You are not alone. In some ways it definitely gets easier as they get older -- and I'm growing up, too!


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## research babe (Jul 15, 2013)

Just wanted to mention a great little book I started reading called, "Hope for the Weary Mom". You can buy a kindle version on Amazon for 3.99 or a hardcopy for just 4:50. It is written from a Christian perspective so it does talk about God and use scripture heavily- but not in a preachy way. The authors are *real* moms in the trenches today. The tell their stories of being pushed to the brink of sanity with the challenges of being a mother and then also share how they are getting through it and what has helped them. If you look into your local churches, you might even find a book club filled with mom's just like us who struggle but are committed to raising their kids in love. Keep searching mama! Keep starting over with your kids. And never give up hope.

Gentle Blessings,

Lori


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## Laur318 (Nov 25, 2008)

Mothering moms, you've done it again 

You've listened to, encouraged and empowered this mama. I think any parent reading this would leave the thread with new perspective, if not great links.

This forum never ceases to amaze me.

OP-- How you doing girlfriend?? Thank you for sharing your struggles here.


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