# Wanting alone time with grandchild



## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Do your parents or in-laws ask for this?

Last night we had my MIL babysit for two hours while my husband took me out to dinner. Apparently my son cried a lot and was generally unhappy. She said that we need to go out more so he gets more practice being with other people. Then she went on to say she wants more one on one time with him when we aren't there so he "gets used to being with her w/o us."

She also asks for us to drop him off at her apartment to spend one on one time with her. She is a heavy smoker and I avoid her apartment as much as possible and won't leave my son there (she does not smoke when we are there). I think the effects of second hand cigarette smoke are terrible, especially for young children.

I generally insist that she come to our house to see him. And we are always home. We don't use babysitters yet and hardly go out. That makes us pretty normal here at MDC I am guessing, but we do seem weird to some of our friends. We also include her in our outings. She gets to see him at least once a week.

Is it normal to want alone time with grandchildren w/o the parents? I admit up front that I am not changing my opinion about her apartment-as far as I am concerned even spending an hour there is too much. But do I need to loosen up in regards to time alone at our house?

My son is 2 1/2.


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## plantnerd (Aug 20, 2010)

I think it is normal. Grandchildren are very special. My mom and I went through this when D was about 4 months old. It was really hurting her feelings that I didn't bring him to hang out with her, I just had never thought of it that way, and didn't want to "dump him" on her. Since then he has been visiting every sunday for 6 hours or so, and recently had his first sleep over with her. He is now 1 year old and has a very special relationship with his gg, they are so in love  She is also a smoker (as am I), and the firm agreement is that nobody smokes indoors with the baby, ever. Sundays are almost my favorite day of the week now, I know D is having a blast with his gg toys and pets and special snuggles and bed and etc, and I have the freedom to hang out and watch football, or play in my garden, or have sex (gasp!) with my hubby. It's a good thing for both of us. I would give it a shot, seriously.


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

I think it is normal, at least for our folks.

DS is 16 months. Thankfully, all our parents and in laws live 2+ hours away so this isn't an issue too often but we do hear "so when you are done with that breastfeeding thing, we can have him?".... urgh, quote from my Mother. DH was nursed and weaned at about a year, as well as his brother. We also do not get sitters, my Mom and MIL are the only 2 that have watched him at our home while DH and I have been away not more than 2 hours.

My BIL and wife have a DD who is 5 weeks older than my DS. They have done everything the exact opposite as we in the birth and raising of our children. They induced, c-section, vacs, formula... the works. We had a homebirth, no vax, no circ, AP, BF (still goin strong) so it is a really unbalanced situation and DH's parents babysit DN *all the time*, my SIL works like 60 hours a week and as of last week, they moved in with them.. now they have live in babysitters it seems.

MIL was here for a night stay last week and DH and I did go out for a bit (2 hours) and they (MIL and DS) stayed at our home. She wanted to take him out and about as she does with DN (she seems to live in her car seat) and we asked that they just stay here where DS is comfortable. It went well but my MIL is like a fairy, very sweet and warm.

It is tough explaining our position but thankfully they understand. Honestly, they have to accept our wishes, he is our baby... we do not want to hurt feelings but stand firm on our decisions.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Honestly... I almost can't wait til my step daughter has a baby so I can tell her to go away and let me play with my grandbaby for a few hours.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

I think it's relatively normal, though your situation does raise some red flags for me for some reason. I have noticed that my in-laws (although they don't say it) really enjoy the times when they are with my kids without me. I think I inadvertently hover or something. And the kids (especially the 15mo) always hang on me when I'm around, so they don't get to play with him as much. They would never guilt me into it though - maybe that's what is making me nervous in your situation? Obviously I could be reading it wrong, but it sounds like you think she was essentially saying you're being ridiculous for not leaving him alone with her. Perhaps she also thinks he's too old for you to want to be around him all the time? Is she overly critical about your parenting choices in general? If not, then I wouldn't worry about it. But if so, then I think you're right to hold back and ultimately, you are your son's mother and you get to make the choice about what is best for him. And if he's truly crying and miserable the whole time, then he is not ready period.

All that said, the smoking thing would be a complete non-starter for me. I would never let him go to her house ever, which it sounds like you're not doing. But also, I wouldn't want a heavy smoker around my kids at all if I could help it. Wouldn't her clothes and hair and hands have smoke on them?

Easy for me to say that I'd never let the kids around them, but more difficult obviously because it's your mother-in-law. Where does your husband/partner stand on this?


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## Lucy Alden (Jun 15, 2009)

I would let my MIL babysit in a heartbeat if it wasn't for her health. Not only does she respect and honor our parenting choices, but she is sweet, kind and everything that you'd imagine a grandma should be. However, she has arthritis, fibromyalgia, is obese (I only mention this because it compounds her health issues) and in chronic pain. It saddens me so much (and her too) that she doesn't get one on one time with her grandchildren.

My mother on the other hand. Meh. Thankfully she lives on the other side of the country.

To answer your question, neither my MIL or mother ask for alone time. However that is due to distance and health. I think if those two things were not issues they'd both really want some one on one with my kiddos.


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## fuzzycat (Sep 5, 2006)

It depends on the GP. My mother is our main babysitter and DS adores her. She spends a lot of alone time with him at both our and her house and it is never a problem. From his perspective it is quite a treat and he gets excited when she's coming over. On the other hand, my MIL has never babysat him and the only alone time she has had with him are short walks in the neighborhood or to the local park which is in shouting distance. She is not diligent in keeping an eye on him nor does she respect and honor our parenting choices. And she is flakey to the point of making me really uncomfortable and not trusting her to keep him safe. But despite having never baby sat or changed a diaper in 2.5 years she is the one hounding us for an overnight visit. No freaking way!

"Last night we had my MIL babysit for two hours while my husband took me out to dinner. Apparently my son cried a lot and was generally unhappy. She said that we need to go out more so he gets more practice being with other people. Then she went on to say she wants more one on one time with him when we aren't there so he "gets used to being with her w/o us."

There is something about this paragraph that really bothers me. It seems like she wants him for the wrong reasons like "hey it's ok if he is unhappy and cries, it'll be good for him?!?" There is something not right with that. Why not "I'd like to help out more and give you a break" or "I adore him so much I can't get enough of him". I think it is completely normal for grandparent's to want to spend alone time grandchildren, but the comfort levels of both parent and child need to be taken into conideration.

FC


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

My parents and my in-laws love alone time with my kids. My parents get it less often then my in-laws but that is mainly due to distance. My in-laws actually take one of the kids on Fridays, either DS or DD all day. So they have a lot of alone time with them, DD normally ends up there 2 times a month and DS ends up with them 1 to 2 times a month. They all love it. They also get both children alone sometimes on a Saturday or Sunday for a few hours, which they also enjoy. We haven't done any overnights recently, the last time DS had an overnight there my MIL had a heart attack that evening after we got home. They seem to be almost ready to start overnights again though and I think both DS and DD would enjoy it.

My parents love to push me and DH out of the house when we are visiting so they can get alone time with DS and DD. DS actually flew down a day ahead of me and DD this past summer with my Mom and had a blast. She is planning on taking both DS and DD this summer for a few days before I come down with newbie, probably for 2 to 3 days total each time. Since they live 600 miles away it is harder for them to get one on one time with the children while they are small since we can't just drop them off for the day or the afternoon.

That being said, both my in-laws and my parents respect our parenting practices and none of them smoke, which is a big factor in my willingness to leave my children alone with them. I also don't leave them alone with them for more then an hour or 3 until they are closer to 18 months old.


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

I do think that one-on-one time with the grandparents is important. I agree that the smoke residue in her house is an issue, but as long as you trust her to follow your rules (regarding food, TV, etc), then I would allow her babysit at your house - even if just a few hours at first while you run errands.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

I agree with you that the smoking is a serious issue. My mother used to smoke, and I didn't let my kids stay at her house either, when she was smoking. The smell of smoke really does cling to everything in a smoker's house.

However, I will say that it is absolutely normal for a grandparent to want one on one time with their grandchild. And I can tell you, now that my children are older, they have absolutely precious memories of time spent alone with their grandma.

My mother is in her late 70's and not well enough to travel much and my teenager misses her dearly and cherishes her memories of afternoons they spent baking cookies or playing Scrabble or just being together. One of her favorite memories is of an afternoon they spent re-organizing the linen closet, of all things. But in the course of folding sheets and towels, my mother talked about her childhood, how they used to hang sheets to dry, what it was like to grow up on a farm, her memories of her own mother (my grandmother) and her siblings (my aunts and uncles) who are all now deceased.

A loving grandparent is a gift to treasure. Please don't deprive your mother or your child of the opportunity to enjoy each other.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

My parents do express that they would like alone time with DS "so you & DH can get a break" -- but I told them straight out that it wasn't something we were interested in doing. I think the inlaws would also like alone time but they live an hour away so I guess they realize it's not very practical for us to drop DS off on our way to dinner or something lol.

We do not use babysitters & DS has never been left alone with any of his grandparents for even 5 minutes.

It's not something I'm comfortable with for multiple reasons. I do make an effort to see that he spends lots of time with grandparents while we're around (invite them over, visit them, go to dinner/outings/etc. with them)... I just won't leave DS with them. I might feel differently when he is no longer a toddler (he's 22mos), but maybe not. Some of it is mommy instincts, some is related to their views on various things, and some of it is just practical concerns, neither grandmother is physically able to chase after a toddler & I would never be comfortable with either grandfather spending time alone with him due to experiences DH & I had.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

Yes, my parents ask for and enjoy alone time with dd, though not yet ds (he is only 9 months old and nursing still). I left her with my mom and dad for a couple hours when she was a little over 1 year old and now at 3.5 she just started sleepign over. My parents/sisters are the only babysitters she has ever had. Dp's parents live hours away and dd would not be comfortable being alone with them yet, although they have frequently babysat my niece (dp's brother's child). I agree that the grandparent relationship is very special and something to nurture if you feel like it is a healthy, loving relatinship between your children and parents. The only grandparent that was alive and lived close to me developed Alzheimer's when I was fairly young and it makes me sad that I never had a close relatonship with them. Mine and my sister's children are all close to our parents (their grandparents) and it is really special for everyone.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

It actually is not normal. The kinds of grandparents who want this generally want to play the parent during that time. They don't like being in the backseat, grandparent role. OK, about normal, I know some grandparents ask for this. But I do not think it is ok.

Your son, when he is ready, will be more than thrilled to leave you. The closer you hold him and the more you love on him, the more confident he will become and want to leave you. Trust me, I have never known a teenager to beg mom and dad to stay close by.

If you teach your child that he cannot trust you to be there for him, he will have a harder time separating. It is normal at this age for him to want you to be there, that is developmentally appropriate. But when a primary caregiver pushes away a child who needs the caregiver, then the child becomes fearful and more clingy.

Ignore what your MIL said. I am sure she will have lots of "great" parenting advice for you. Use your instincts and don't leave your baby until he is the one who decides he is ready.

Good luck! Family dynamics can be difficult.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> It actually is not normal. The kinds of grandparents who want this generally want to play the parent during that time. They don't like being in the backseat, grandparent role. OK, about normal, I know some grandparents ask for this. But I do not think it is ok.


I'm flabbergasted.

I know that not everyone has ideal parents but let me assure you that my mother is most certainly NORMAL and her love for her grandchildren is NORMAL and their love for her is NORMAL!!

I am very surprised that on a site that advocates natural family living, one of the most natural things of all - extended family - is considered bizarre and abnormal and to be avoided at all costs.

Extended families have been the basic social unit worldwide, throughout history. Many of the cultures that are so admired on this forum, Native American, Australian Aboriginal, African - are cultures in which extended family and grandparents are closely involved.

If your parents are abusive or otherwise pose a danger to your child, by all means limit contact. But to blanket declare that any grandparent who wants a personal relationship with her grandchild or any parent who allows such a relationship is ABNORMAL - my goodness, I think that's just mean. And wrong.

You don't know me or my mother, please do not tell me we are not normal, thank you very much.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

I don't think the poster is saying (and she can of course chime in if I'm wrong) that every grandparent who cheerfully takes the grandchildren for as long as she can get them while the parent goes out on a date is abnormal. I think she is saying that a grandparent who demands time with the children only and seems to resent the parent hanging around even when the child is clearly not ready to be left alone is probably not behaving in a manner that is best for the child, but rather is more concerned about what they think is right and what they want. And I agree.

I'm lucky enough to have two loving sets of grandparents for my kids - both of whom I leave the kids with overnight (though I'm much more comfortable leaving them with my parents - I think just because they're my parents). Both sets of grandparents would just as much like it if we all (my husband and I included) hung around as they would if we left the kids alone. They don't guilt me into leaving them with the kids alone or insinuate that I don't trust them. They like to have the kids alone for absolutely pure reasons that benefit me, my husband, and most of all the kids - because they know we are enjoying our "time off" or because, as I mentioned before, the little one especially clings to me when I'm around. When I'm gone, he's much more engaging with others.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> It actually is not normal. The kinds of grandparents who want this generally want to play the parent during that time. They don't like being in the backseat, grandparent role. OK, about normal, I know some grandparents ask for this. But I do not think it is ok.
> 
> ...


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Thanks for your input Mamas.

Quote:


> I think she is saying that a grandparent who demands time with the children only and seems to resent the parent hanging around even when the child is clearly not ready to be left alone is probably not behaving in a manner that is best for the child, but rather is more concerned about what they think is right and what they want. And I agree.


Yes!! Her view is if we make him hang around her without us it will get better. And I suppose that is true. But, I would rather wait until he says he is ready for that kind of stuff.

Quote:


> I am very surprised that on a site that advocates natural family living, one of the most natural things of all - extended family - is considered bizarre and abnormal and to be avoided at all costs.


I am all for extended family. Honest.







I feel though there is more of a control aspect that I am a bit uncomfortable with. And maybe the other thing I need to think about is that I am very jealous of the time I do get with my son. I work full time so the weekends really are precious to me. I plan events and outings that are for the whole family, not for just Mama and Daddy. And I feel a bit resentful that I am being pressed to do things I don't want to do all so she can have alone time.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I think it's normal and if the grandparent in question is healthy and a good caregiver and you're comfortable with the arrangement, it can a wonderful thing for everyone involved!

I didn't use to think that, though. I grew up in a very dysfunctional, abusive family and knew even before my first baby was born that I would never let either of my parents be alone with my children, not even in another room. Now we're estranged and have no contact at all (my choice), so it's a non-issue. But DH's parents, who are amazing and very respectful of our parenting choices even though they're very different from their own parenting style, wanted and expected alone time with DS when they were here for a month to support us around the birth of DD. And I struggled with that, because I couldn't relate to the idea that an adult would want to be alone with a child that wasn't theirs for totally healthy, happy, innocent reasons.

My own parents' abusiveness was coloring my ability to objectively look at the situation. I kept thinking, "Why do they want to be alone with him so much? What do they want to do that they don't want me to see? What are they going to do to him when I'm not around?" The truth was they just wanted to take him out for tacos, and then to the park to play with his favorite bouncy ball, and then for a walk along the beach to find shells and rocks and interesting things. There was nothing sinister about it; they just wanted time with their grandchild, to get to know his little blossoming personality, and to savor the feeling of being his grandparents without DH and me around to distract him. They wanted to get to know him on his own terms, and once I realized that, it became easier to accept the idea that they wanted to take him places without us.

We started small, with the grandparents taking him out to a diner down the street for breakfast. Then gradually we increased the distances and lengths of the visits until they were taking him for an entire half day to town 30 miles away. They were careful to only give him foods/drinks we let him have, and they were lovely about calling to let us know where they were and when they expected to be home. My ILs know a bit about my own upbringing and are very sensitive to the fact that I have serious trust issues when it comes to family.

I'm so, so glad I was able to let them have that time with DS. A grandparent/grandchild relationship is unique, and if the grandparents understand boundaries and are good, loving, respectful people, fostering that relationship is almost certainly in the child's best interest.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Ugh, my last post lost the quote part somehow during posting.
Quote:


> Last night we had my MIL babysit for two hours while my husband took me out to dinner. Apparently my son cried a lot and was generally unhappy. She said that we need to go out more so he gets more practice being with other people. Then she went on to say she wants more one on one time with him when we aren't there so he "gets used to being with her w/o us."


I don't like this at all. Your DS is not a toy or a doll to be manipulated for her amusement. It'd be one thing if he seemed to genuinely enjoy his time with her, but I don't think there's any valid reason to push him to spend time with her just because he should "get used to it". That sort of thinking, that children should just accept what adults want to do to them because they're small and powerless, infuriates me.









So maybe an honest talk with your MIL is in order. I would never leave my child with someone who wouldn't call me if I was out and my child(ren) became inconsolable. In the visits with the ILs I described above, they understood explicitly that if DS became terribly upset and wouldn't stop crying, they were to bring him home immediately. He's only two and still very, very attached to his mama, and they respected that.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I think one-on-one time with loving extended family is a wonderful thing and I encourage it with my kids' grandparents and am thrilled that they love spending time alone with my kids. But it would ruffle my feathers for anyone to suggest that my babies needed practice being away from me. The one-on-one time should be something fun to look forward to by both the grandparent and grandchild, not some study in forced independence. So a grandma saying, "Oh, we had so much fun! I just can't wait for our next granny-and-Johnny day!" would be taken very differently than, "He cried the whole time. He needs more practice being without you."

My mom loves one-on-one time, but she'd never force it. My DD used to take a while to warm up to her, and my mom would just say hello to her and then sort of ignore her for a while until DD felt comfortable. If she tried to hold her too soon and DD cried she'd say, "Whoops, she's not quite ready. Go see mama for a while!" It just wouldn't be in her nature to force it -- she wants DD to feel comfortable and secure just as much as I do. And it paid off -- pretty soon, DD learned that my mom was someone who respected her feelings and could be trusted, and now she goes flying into her arms right away!


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I think it is wonderful if a grandparent wants alone time with their grandchildren. I would not allow my child in the smokey apartment. If you DC cried alot, prehaps starting off with activities with you close by and then gradually you start separating yourself until your DC is comfortable with just grandma.

My mom spends alone time with my children, but she is always in a very big rush to leave. (She will stop by so I can run errands but she always says....as long as you're back in 45 minutes or 1 hour....it is winter here....and it makes it harder to get to many errands in that time).

My MIL will very occassionally take out one of my kids but not both.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KLM99*
> 
> I don't think the poster is saying (and she can of course chime in if I'm wrong) that every grandparent who cheerfully takes the grandchildren for as long as she can get them while the parent goes out on a date is abnormal. I think she is saying that a grandparent who demands time with the children only and seems to resent the parent hanging around even when the child is clearly not ready to be left alone is probably not behaving in a manner that is best for the child, but rather is more concerned about what they think is right and what they want. And I agree.


ITA. My MIL was a little weird and overly focused on ds when he was a baby. She'd do things like take him to visit neighbors if I left her holding him while I went to the bathroom at her house. It was odd. I'd come out of the bathroom to an empty house. I know she was just excited and wanted to show off the baby but why do it while I was in the bathroom? I wouldn't have minded her going although I would have tagged along because ds was a fussy baby. Ds started crying at the sight of her by 4 months. It's not normal to be angling to get the baby/toddler away from the mother. But it's wonderful when the grandparents and grandchildren enjoy each other's company. Invariably, those relationships are ones where the grandparents treat the children respectfully and have their best interests at heart.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *oaktreemama*
> 
> And maybe the other thing I need to think about is that I am very jealous of the time I do get with my son. I work full time so the weekends really are precious to me. I plan events and outings that are for the whole family, not for just Mama and Daddy. And I feel a bit resentful that I am being pressed to do things I don't want to do all so she can have alone time.


I have this same issue and I really struggle with it. I work full-time (am out of the house from about 7:30am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday) and am sometimes fiercely protective of my weekends because they are the only days I get my kids through the whole day. I have a bit of probably misplaced resentment toward my in-laws for wanting us to spend weekends with them so frequently. This one I've had to let go of a bit even though it's hard to share my time


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fuzzycat*
> 
> "Last night we had my MIL babysit for two hours while my husband took me out to dinner. Apparently my son cried a lot and was generally unhappy. She said that we need to go out more so he gets more practice being with other people. Then she went on to say she wants more one on one time with him when we aren't there so he "gets used to being with her w/o us."
> 
> ...


I agree. My Mom watched DS while visiting us for about 2 hours and DH texted to see how it was going because I was having a bad vibe. She didn't tell us the truth and when home saw DS was upset. When I asked her why she lied... "He has to get used to being without you, especially when you are done with that breastfeeding thing". No freakin way! Never again!

My Mom had me at 18. I was a formula fed baby from day one and left to CIO in a crib. Totally different style from how we are going about things... my Mom just doesn't seem to understand.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

my mom asks for alone time with DD all the time, and usually gets it. my parents and sisters are the only babysitters DD has had. but my parents are still in their 40s and in really good health, and DD adores them, she gets really excited any time we say we're going to Grandma's house. but my family is totally AP, and very respectful of what DD needs. and if it's not a good time, they completely respect that.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

My guess is that many responses posters have shared might mirror their own relationships with their grandparents when they were children. I did not have close relationships with any of mine...they lived four states away. I likely would've loved 1-1 time with them as I was older (early teens), though. In the case of your son, if he cried a lot and she reported that he was generally unhappy, that means it's not a good plan (at least for now). Listen to what he can't say with words. Also, if she admitted he cried a lot, it may've even been worse than she was willing to admit. Perhaps when your son is older, 1-1 time would be more appropriate...if he is comfortable with it and you are okay with it, too. She can have contact with him in your presence, which is more than some grandparents get. Less than others, I know, but just because she has a demand doesn't mean you have to meet it. One compromise might be her being with him at a toddler exercise class or park and rec kind of class--if, and only if, you feel he is truly safe in her presence. "Babysitting with grandma" has been a hot issue with our 9 month old...I haven't allowed it and my husband (this is his mom) has fortunately backed me up. Part of my hesitation has been my observation of her interactions with DH's nephews. She has blatantly gone against SIL and BIL's guidelines, going so far as to give him foods to which he has an allergy/sensitivity because she felt that he "needed it" (and she specifically has asked me not to "tell on her). She won't lock the doors to keep toddler nephew safely inside because she says he won't get out...though he has gotten out. She won't put her two big dogs in their crates while the little ones are over because she says they are really good with kids...though one dog is very aggressive and she trips over them while carrying the toddler. I had to tell her over thirty times that we were not going to have our baby stay there without us until he was much older. She finally got the picture. My parents are both deceased and I did let her know that our not leaving DS is (sort of) not personal--it's that we aren't leaving him with anybody yet. In the end, this is your son and it is your decision. You have been compassionate to make sure she sees him regularly, and it is a shame that she does not seem to appreciate it. As they say, follow your instincts and let your son's behavior be his voice for the time being.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

I'm with Lisa - not normal. And not okay with me at all.

That being said, I've dealt with it with great-grandma. I did leave him alone with her once, long enough to run to the store. With a fresh diaper, and a bottle. I called when I was in the check-out line, got no answer, so I rushed back to find him hysterical sitting in the middle of the living room floor, not in the diaper I left him in (actually in a cover with a doubler, no actual diaper). That combined with her insistence on giving him food I've already said no to, and giving him drinks of water when I go to the bathroom (he doesn't know how to use a cup!!), I can no longer leave him alone with her for a moment.

But none of the rest of the grandparents have even asked, because they all know better. They've offered to watch him so we can go out, but that's different.

The insistence that the baby needs to learn to be away from mom is ridiculous in my mind. They'll learn that when they're ready, forcing it is just damaging to them.

Now, if mom is on overload, and grandma is saying - give me the kid and go take a break, again, that's a different story.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

This is pretty common. My MIL is obsessed with "alone time" with LO. I really dreaded her purchase of a car seat for him at 2. It isn't enough to see him frequently, she needs to control the circumstances. And it is never enough. We get a constant stream of complaints about how she never gets to see them and she sees the kids 3-4 a week. She has been on a campagin to end his nap so that it doesn't effect her "time with him." She once made a map of all of the time of the week with various times blocked out (sleep, nap, preschool, etc.) to show DH how little time it was. Hum, I guess that the red (time with her) was less than the blue (time doing everything else) but um, it was a lot of theoretical time possible.

So, yes common, normal? I have no idea.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

JudiAU--Holy hell. You've got your hands full, my dear. Hope your DH has your back on this one. Your MIL makes mine look quite tame. Guess it's all a matter of perspective. My MIL has friends who are grandparents and have grandchildren many states away and in different countries, so I feel like our once a week routine is pretty generous. Hope somebody else in your family has a baby soon so some of the pressure will be off of you. Your MIL's demands and strategies are, in my opinion, entirely intrusive, out of line, and totally disrespectful. My hat's off to you, mama. Whew.


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## kittykat2481 (Nov 7, 2008)

My MIL has been hounding us for alone time with DS since before he was born it seems. Much like OP, he's not allowed at their house. It smells like smoke and dog pee. No way, Jose. I have, just in the last year or so, let them babysit him for a couple of hours so DH and I could see a movie, but even those times I put him to bed before we leave. The way I see it, I'm a WOHM (and was previously a full time college student). I am forced to leave him until 4pm M-F. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is send him to be with someone else! Even if I did trust them (and I don't trust them with various things like driving and respecting bedtime) I still would rather just be with him when he's awake. Now, when he's sleeping anyway I'll happily leave him with someone to make sure the house doesn't burn down while we're gone.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

My in-laws have always wanted alone time with the kids. They have always been respectful of our choices as parents, though, and realized pretty early on that it just wasn't going to happen. When we could go stay with them, though, we would be sure to have time that even if we were in the house the grandparents were the ones who were playing with them (us in another room/doing different stuff) and then the kids would come get us when needed.

When DD was 3.5 we (DP & I) had a college granduation to go to and she chose to spend the night with her grandparents and had a GREAT time. DS wanted to spend a night with them starting around 2.5. Each year since DS was almost 4 they have taken both kids to "grand camp"--- an overnight camp where they sleep in cabins and have all the camp fun but just grandparents and grandkids. The kids *might* spend another night or two with them a year. If it is convenient we have no issue with them babysitting, but of course our kids are much older! (9 & 11)

In summary, yes DP's parents were anxious to spend alone time with our children. But, they waited until the kids were *ready* and happy to. We wanted it to be a positive experience and just didn't see it as something we needed to push in any way. Now DP's brother has a baby (11 months in just two days!) and they have had him for about two MONTHS of overnights already. Starting from a couple weeks old they would have him 1-2, sometimes even 3 nights a week. It was "hillarious" (rolleyes) when BIL & SIL asked us to babysit the baby this summer during grand camp so they could have a weekend away. That was their THIRD weekend away since the baby was born (8 months earlier at that point) and it is always our *only* weekend without kids of the year. Needless to say, we said no to that one, lol. Anyway, DP's parents LOVE getting all that baby time and are much closer to BIL's children (they also have a 10 year old son who as adopted at 7) but it's just not our style (even if we lived close enough for it to be) to want our children away from us that often.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I think it's pretty normal for grandparents to want to spend time alone with grandchildren - at least in my experience. I know my grandma pushed my mom a bit to get to have me to herself (I was the first grandchild) & my mom has done the same with me. She realllllllly wanted to do an overnight. I knew it would be a disaster but then I had to drive dh a few hours away late one night so we did leave him there. I ended up getting him in the middle of the night after returning from my long drive. But she was SUPER about it & hasn't pushed the issue since.

As for other times I LOVE that my Mom & my MIL are so happy & willing to take ds for us. We leave him with them at least once a week now. Not only does it give us some time to get things done without ds' help (we are doing renovations) but it also has built a fabulous relationship between him & his grandmothers. Win, win, win in my mind.

I will admit I didn't leave ds with anyone for more than 15 minutes until he was about 8 months.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

I don't think it's normal. At least it's not in my family. However, I did not grow up near any of my grandparents, so we only saw them a few times a year on family trips. There were a few times that my maternal grandmother watched us so my parents could do something, but it wasn't often or frequent and I know my grandmother never "pushed" to have alone time with us. I don't my parents have ever left us with my paternal grandparents.

We used to live near my parents, so they did watch our kids for us a few times. But, they never ever pushed for that, it was more that I asked them to when it was needed (or wanted for that rare date or something). They woudl watch them as a favor to us, but they never pushed to have alone time with them.

I would find that very odd and disconcerting and would be much less inclined to let them watch my kids if they pushed for it.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

I think it is great for kids to have that one-on-one time with grandparents --- depending on the grandparent in question.

I have wonderful memories of time at my grandmother's house without my mom.

Now my son spends a lot of time with my mom alone. Mostly at our house but sometimes at hers as well. He's over there right now. They have a wonderful relationship and we trust her completely.

My inlaws? Oh H-E-Double L no. When he was an infant they started in on the "oh he'll have to come and spend time with us on summer vacations" Riiiiight. Not. They are not even allowed to be in a room alone with him. Heck, our policy is that I'm not allowed to be in a room alone with them! If we can't trust them around me we're certainly not trusting them around our child.

I think the grandparent-grandchild relationship can be wonderful - but it all depends on the grandparents. You just have to trust your gut and go with what is right for your family. I don't think there is any one right or normal answer.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I actually am feeling more pressure about this now that my kids are older. My parents (who live literally across the country from us) were not going to advocate "alone time" with infants/toddlers that would involve them flying that far. Now that the kids are older (only 8,7, and 7, mind) they are chomping at the bit for "when are you going to put them on a plane to come visit?" I couldn't believe that they were pushing that--while I did indeed hop planes by myself to spend a few weeks in the summer with my grandparents, it wasn't until I was 13!

I finally had to be pretty blunt, saying that I wouldn't even consider it until they were 12 AND ready, whichever came *later*. I did offer, since DH has never spent a lot of time on the east coast and we are history buffs, to dump the kids off for a week or two while DH and I did our own tour/sightseeing (not even staying at my parents house). That was rejected ("Oh, you wouldn't want to do that!") which instantly red flagged me. It could have been because they were disappointed with my answer.

I won't leave my kids alone overnight or longer with my parents until I know that at least one of the kids has the confidence and know how to pick up the phone and call me if there's a problem. My mom has had some pretty bad mental health issues, they don't like young children (or at least, don't seem to "get" it--at all, and they didn't during my childhood either). If my dad was around to help her manage her behavior, that would be one thing, but I know my dad and he'll just happily ignore things. So far I have not really wanted to open up THAT kind of honest can of worms. They do fine on visits/babysitting, esp. since early on we established boundaries and gave consistant and firm guidance.

I do expect this to blow up in my face when eventually they find out that MIL gets the kids overnight and may get them for a week this summer (MIL lives with SIL, so it'd be a cousin reunion too, and that house is set up for kids). Not that we have hidden it (and we won't) but we haven't proactively mentioned it either. But if it does, I think I will have the big honest sit down talk with them--and mom's likely nuclear crazy response to finding out will be a pretty big reason why I can't allow them to have the kids across the country from them. We'll see.

I do think it's normal for grandparents to want that--and healthy grandparents, not just disturbed ones. I think it can be good for the kids. I know my mom and grandma did not get along because of all the vicious stories/gossip my mom told when my grandma started suffering dementia, and that my grandparents were pretty harsh with my dad growing up--but they were great grandparents to me, and that place was my refuge from my hellish home life, and I never EVER saw taht side of them! So I get it. Sometimes it makes me sad and angry that I have to be so paranoid. But...oh well, that's part of what sucks about negotiating being both a parent (to your kid) simultaneously with being a kid (to your parents) and getting all mixed up in that protective/craving approval thing.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think it is very normal. We are a very close family and my parents have a strong relationship with my dd. Both of my parents take my dd for alone time sometimes and do fun things with her and sometimes she sees both at the same time. We also do adult only coffee dates sometimes while she is at school. I think that since your mom smokes in her home she should do the alone time at your home or at a fun kid oriented place, but I see nothing odd about her wanting to spend time alone with her grandchild. Some of my best memories of my childhood are doing things with my grandparents while my mom wasn't around. We spent a lot of fun times with them when we were young and we started flying out to see them in the summertime when I was 10 and my brother was 8. We were spoiled, had fun, and loved our time being the center of attention and doing things that my mom didn't let us do often at home.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Marissamom* 


> but my parents are still in their 40s and in really good health


I just had to laugh at this one. Dh and I are in our 40's and 50's and it's so funny to think that the young parents on here would think that people like us might *not* be in good health. We're not over the hill, you know.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

My mom pressured me... somewhat gently, but still... as soon as DS was born to spend some alone time with her, stay overnight, etc. Even though I trust my mom to follow my instructions 90% of the way (and the remaining 10% is stuff I'd be willing to ignore) I just wasn't having it. For a few hours here and there, sure. But overnight?? No way. And I felt really pressured until I lay down the law and she got the message that it wasn't happening.

But now that DS is almost 2 and a half, and we're no longer nursing, and he's been in daycare for over a year and LOVES it, and he's turned out to be a pretty easy-going guy, I've been much more open to it. The first time was in October.... I was so stressed out and tired and burned out and just DONE. So she took DS from Saturday morning to Sunday morning and it was wonderful. To have 24 full hours where I only had to think about myself. And DS had a great time too.

So now I want to do this once a month to hopefully prevent getting to the end of my rope again. We'll see.

ETA: Oh forgot about my ILs. Yikes. They live 6 hours away, so luckily it's not an issue at least yet. But when they were visiting in September my MIL told this long sob story about she would never be allowed to watch her other grandchildren by herself due to family conflicts and how she was so upset by that, etc etc etc. So I was like, "Oh you want some alone time with a grandchild?!? Here's Colin- have fun. DH and I will go out for a drink and to a movie and see you in a few hours." (Please don't flame me- I was approaching my breaking point here and was really needing a break)

And she said, "Oh, but I want to see a movie with you, too!"







LADY YOU HAVE COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I think its fine for grandparents to want alone time with their grandkids - I don't think its about wanting to "parent" either. My parents are always THRILLED to take care of ds whenever they get even the slightest of opportunities. DS is the first grandchild, and will likely be the only for quite some time, and my parents want to be able to really enjoy being grandparents while they are still young and healthy (they are both 56, and my dad could carry ds up a mountain, literally, and probably will the next time we see them!) so I let them hang out with ds every chance I get! Which, unfortunately, isn't very often since we live so far away from them. It might be different if my ds had severe separation anxiety, but I doubt it, b/c I don't have the circumstances to be a SAHM, so he's in daycare 5days/week. Luckily, he's a very social child and thats never been much of a problem.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

As I reread this thread, it made me think of something else:

How *I* felt as a kid. I totally wanted to spend time with *just* my grandparents (without my parents there). I loved spending the night with my Granny and it's not like she was letting me get away with stuff she wouldn't have let me do around my parents, but it was just fun for it to be just us, kwim. I'd love for my kids to feel the way I felt about my Granny about their grandparents.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

It creates a very special bond between the child and the grandparent/s. When I was first divorced, my daughter spent every morning with my Dad (I went to work, my son went to school). He'd pick her up from me before I left and take her home with him. They'd spend the morning playing games, doing puzzles, taking walks, watching Animal Planet together. Then he'd feed her lunch and take her to Kindergarten. They were literally best friends - and that hasn't changed much in the intervening years. It would have been different if I'd have been right there every time.

Unless you have real fears for the child's safety, give that space. The Grands may not do everything exactly as you do, but that's okay.


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## 3xMama (Oct 14, 2010)

I think its normal for grandparents to want to spend time alone with their grandkids, as well.

However, I don't think forcing your son to "get used to her" by leaving them alone together is the best thing. Sometimes we have to do that kind of stuff (ie daycare), but if you don't have to, I don't see the need for it. My MIL was constantly on us to just let DS cry with her so he'd get used to her. To the point of walking away from DH and I during family get togethers when we'd try to take our hysterical 7 mo old away from her. I saw red whenever this happened. I was able to block her on actually leaving him with her as an infant because he was breastfed and refused a bottle. Since I gave him what he needed as an infant (a lot of holding, love, cuddles etc), he's becoming confident and not freaking out about being with anyone who isn't Mommy anymore. (He's only 13 mos old now and somewhere in that not quite an infant but not really a toddler yet stage, but the change in his confidence level of other people is huge.) I think if he's not really ready for it and you don't need to, I don't see a need to force him to get used to her.

Also, you said you work full time so your a little jealous of your weekends. My thought here is that its your DS's weekend with you, too. In his own 2.5 yr old way, he's probably just as jealous of that time and wants to see you.

Instead of forcing him to get used to her by leaving them together, would it be an option to have her come over while you are busy and in another part of the house for an hour? That way she's getting some alone time but you're still there in case your DS needs you. You could set up some ground rules like if he cries for more than five or ten minutes, you'll come in and be with them. Your MIL may not go for that since you'd still be responding to him rather than forcing him to get used to her, but it could be a good middle ground. I'd just prepare myself for eye rolling and you're babying him comments if that's her style.


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments.

I think for now we will limit time alone to our house when we are still around. We do a lot of home projects so that will work. I am standing firm in not taking him to her house-the smoking is my hill to die on-I think it is so unhealthy and am not willing to risk my son's health.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fuzzycat*
> 
> "Last night we had my MIL babysit for two hours while my husband took me out to dinner. Apparently my son cried a lot and was generally unhappy. She said that we need to go out more so he gets more practice being with other people. Then she went on to say she wants more one on one time with him when we aren't there so he "gets used to being with her w/o us."
> 
> ...


I didn't read it that way. I assumed the MIL meant that she thought he was crying because he's not used to being around other people, and maybe if they tried it a few more times then he'd get used to being w/o mom and dad and would be ok. Kind of like how a child might cry the first days of daycare or kindy, but then they adjust and can be perfectly happy. Of course I don't know the OP or her MIL so it's just my spin on what I'm reading...

Now I don't know what her motivation is. Other posters have suggested that it's all about *her* enjoyment of her grandchild. That her getting time with her grandchild is worth his discomfort. Could be. Or it could be that she's thinking of her son and DIL and want to make sure they get "date nights" to keep the relationship healthy. Or (more likely?) a mix of altruistic and selfish motivations (yes, she wants to spend more time with her grandson, but she also wants to be able to do more childcare to help out her children).

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with him spending more time with her and getting more used to her. I do think it can be done in a more gentle than being-left-to-cry-inconsolably-for-2-hrs method though. Would MIL be willing to start off a bit slower? Maybe with half hour park playdates or something? With an agreement to phone if ds has being crying for more than x minutes?


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

I agree that one on one time with grandparents is important. Kids act different when their parents aren't around and grandparents are usually more comfortable playing silly games and knowing that somebody isn't looking over their shoulder all the time.

That being said, I absolutely wouldn't let my dc over to her apartment until she quit smoking inside for quite some time. Not just not smoking while you're there, but never smoking inside and then shampooed the carpets and furniture, washed the walls, and aired it out for several months. I also wouldn't do it until your ds is happy the majority of the time. He does need to "get used to her" but not without you. When she comes to visit, encourage your ds to play with her. Try to leave the room periodically so they do get a little one on one time together. He gets used to spending time with her without you around and vice versa, but you're close enough that he's still comfortable and not crying the whole time.


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## dakotablue (Jun 21, 2009)

OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?

I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


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## skimmilf (Dec 15, 2010)

Oaktreemama,

what's nice is that you have natural boundries you CAN fall back on to keep it to what you feel comfortable with.

doesn't matter if she thinks he needs to be around other people more or not. He's YOUR baby. It matters what you think about that.

But yeah, if she brings it up again you can always fall back on the smoking. I'd even say you could tell her your pediatrician discussed smoking adults at your last visit or whatever, and say you were encouarged to keep him out of areas where there is frequent smoking....and that you feel itis too smoky there for much visiting. But that she can have one on one time with him at your house (yay! free babysitting!)

side note: my mom spends a TON of time with my son. It was what is normal for OUR family. For one thing, I was 22 and alone when he was born. BUT because my mom has a tendency towards codependency (and tries to be too involved with me in general), I lived in a neighboring town. This way it was always clear that she was babysitting....and that she WANTED to baby sit. When he was 2 years old she asked me if she could start bringing him to church with her (I am comfortable with her church and their values), which meant he would sleep pver her house most Saturday evenings (except in summer) and I'd pick him up when we met for lunch on Sundays. I was a 24 yo single mom.....hell yeah.









Anyway, he chooses when he goes with her now (he is almost 13) and if he wants to go. What's nice is he has a really good relationship with her. BUT we are a small family, he has me and her and his Godfather and everyone else is pretty extended or people we visit at specific times of the year.


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dakotablue*
> 
> OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?
> 
> I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


I don't leave mine alone with Grandparents other then an hour or 3 for babysitting before they are 18ish months. At that point in time I am comfortable leaving them all day, if both the Grandparents and child are comfortable with it.

That being said both my parents and in-laws do listen to DH and me and are respectful of our choices, they won't feed DD or DS food we don't approve of, and do keep DD's milk allergy in mind and don't feed her foods that are not okay for her, they also respect the fact that we don't feed the children meat and won't offer then meat. That being said they do get a bit more sugar and more treats with their Grandparents then I would get them, but I am okay with that, and if I said something they would limit that as well.

That being said we have a great relationship with both sets of Grandparents so it is easier to think about leaving my children with them, or letting my children fly to my parents house with my Mom for a night or two before I come down. This is because I know they won't intentionally do anything to undermine how DH and I are raising our children, and if they unintentionally so something we will discuss it and they won't do it again.

If I had a less great relationship with my parents or in-laws it would be a different matter, but we don't we have good and open relationships where we can discuss issues that may come up with them being alone with the Grandchild and they respect our thoughts and beliefs.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

My inlaws seriously creeped me out by asking for 'alone' time with my first dd by asking when she was only two weeks old - to take her for the weekend.

It was never about spending time with her, or whatever. They were crappy parents to my exdh, and it was totally an opportunity for them to play mommy and daddy again (not saying this is necessarily true of anyone else's parents/inlaws) and it really weirded me out.

My mother on the other hand - was a wonderful SAH parent. She started offering to watch the girls in order to give me a break. She was also the parent that came by and cooked and did laundry when I was newly postpartum... whereas my MIL would come and eat all our food and sit on the couch holding dd - that was her 'help' to me.

I never had a great relationship with my exILs. They first started taking my dd 'alone' when she was five years old (for a few hours). She was old enough to tell me if she needed something, or if something had happened.

My mother started taking both kids when they were about four months old. I knew that she could be trusted, and that while she wanted to spend time with them, it was also about helping me.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dakotablue*
> 
> OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?
> 
> I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


For me, always. My ds was left with my parents at like 9 or 10 days old so that I could run out and get a prescription filled, and buy myself some lunch. BUT - I have the most awesome of the most awesome parents, and I REALLY needed my prescription filled. I didn't want to take DS b/c he was born in January and it was freaking COLD outside!

I also had to return to school at 11days pp, so ds had to stay with a sitter, and my mom was around until ds was 3 weeks - then he was left with someone we trust.

My views are definitely skewed from having such an awesome relationship with my parents, but I'm also much much MUCH more lax about certain things than most people on MDC (ie, ice cream won't kill him after a certain age, being allowed to do things I won't let him isn't terrible so long as its relatively safe, etc. - other things, like CIO or smoking would be my hill to die on - my parents don't smoke and would NEVER leave him to CIO, my brothers and I were not left to CIO, so I trust my parents).


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dakotablue*
> 
> OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?
> 
> I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


I didn't have a good relationship with my mom at first, but she was wonderful with my dd when I was there and I felt comfortable leaving her with my mom to run an errand, go to a job that I couldn't bring dd to (I worked for a sitter agency and usually I could bring her), and have a date with my husband before he went to bootcamp before she was 8 months old. By the time I had to find a steady weekend job when she was 10 months old I felt very comfortable with my mom being with her, I always felt more comfortable with my mom taking care of her than I did with her father taking care of her. Our relationship also got better and we have a great one now. I think that my dd spending time with them as a baby was good because she got very comfortable with them. When she was little the time was all about caring for her needs and finding ways to keep her happy, as she got older it changed to doing fun things like walks, lunch dates, and listening to books on tape together. I think kids can also get used to their grandparents with their parents around, but in our case that may have been hard due to our bad relationship. We actually came together and put our past baggage down because of my dd and built a stronger relationship with our love for her as our common starting ground. My dd doesn't have serious allergies so that isn't an issue. If I didn't think someone would make sure to avoid deadly allergens then I wouldn't send a child to them.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

I left my children in the care of my own mother since birth. I trust her completely.

My former mother in law has absolutely no parenting skills of any kind. She has no common sense either. She did not understand why it wouldn't be okay to leave a 14 month old in the bathtub, she never understood why carseats were such a big deal, she refused to put her large, aggressive dogs out of the house when we were visiting with our then-toddler.

My oldest is a teenager and I still wouldn't feel comfortable letting her be alone with my ex mother in law.

But my own mother has a lovely relationship with my kids.

So it definitely depends on the grandparent.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dakotablue*
> 
> OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?
> 
> I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


I think I mentioned upthread that I still haven't left my 22mo with the grandparents -- and I mean, not even for 5 minutes while I'm in the other room. I'm completely not comfortable with it (though there are other people I would hypothetically be OK with leaving him with although we haven't yet!) I feel he needs to be old enough to very clearly communicate with me, call me if he needs to, etc. and even then I'm not sure I'd be OK with it. I actually have a great relationship with both my parents & my inlaws, but my concerns are all over the place -- concerns about following certain 'rules', physical discipline, smoking & drinking, possible abusive behavior, physical/health limitations, etc. -- maybe I'm making it sound like they are horrible people but they are most certainly not, it's just too much of a gray area for me to feel it's worth the possible 'risk' just to have time alone with them. DH & I both had awkward pasts with our families and seem to do much better NOT living with them & under their constant influence. DS loves his grandparents (after about a year of being terrified of them -- and anyone else besides me, for that matter) and asks to see them, call them, etc., he makes crafts for them, gets mail from them, and spends as much time as possible in their arms or interacting with them when we do visit! It hasn't seemed to interfere at all with him having a positive relationship with them, and I am able to have peace of mind knowing he is emotionally & physically safe.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dakotablue*
> 
> OK so not to thread steal, but for those who think being alone with grandparents is a good necessary thing Are you taking about a certain age? or always?
> 
> I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving DS with ILs until he could talk, explain his own allergies and report back if anything wasn't ok.... BUT I'm coming from a not so great relationship. I have other people who I would leave DS with for a few hours if I needed to.


I wouldn't say alone time with the grandparents is necesary, but I do think it's an important part of a close relationship. but it totally depends on the grandparent. I've left DD with my mom since she was a couple months old, though only for a couple of hours, at 19 months she sometimes spends about 4-5 hours with grandma. but my mom is totally AP, she was a LLL leader for over a decade, extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, babywearing, etc. my mom also has allergies, and had allergic kids, so she's really good about foods (better about not giving sugar than I am, didn't give DD any dairy until a couple months after we had introduced it, at one point had me make a list of okay foods). DD hasn't had as much alone time with my dad, but really it's because I don't usually think to offer, and he doesn't ask, he doesn't like being pushy. my MIL lives farther away, so doesn't have alone time with DD just because it isn't practical, but if we did live in the same town I would trust her with DD, not quite as AP as my mom, but pretty close. my FIL will never have alone time with my kids, he isn't a good parent, and hasn't shown any interest in being a grandparent.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I didn't leave dd with the grandparents ever. It wasn't about them, it was about her. First of all, I was breastfeeding and she ate frequently. She didn't get teeth until she was a year old and didn't really start eating solids until she was 15 or 16 months old. By that time she was firmly emotionally attached to me and to dh. She didn't want to be left alone with other people. Sorry, but I don't think you have to "let them get used to it". That's not what AP is about, IMO. After she was about 4, she was fine to spend the day with others, but still wouldn't spend the night. She still co-sleeps and she'll be 9 in several weeks. She *can* spend the night elsewhere, but she doesn't *want* to spend the night elsewhere. I will continue to respect this.

The other factor for us is that my parents were not good parents to start with. I won't go into the details, but I wouldn't trust my dad and his wife with dd even now. She has undiagnosed mental problems and his response to everything when I was growing up was to remove his belt and start hitting. NO FRICKING WAY would I let them have dd unsupervised. This is actually a sore spot for them and it's caused some strife. My dad's wife is a mental case, though, so there is no reasoning. She also doesn't understand why kids have to be restrained in a vehicle, can't eat McDonald's for every meal, can't take a bottle of formula instead of breastmilk and shouldn't be spanked.

My mom was a yeller and even now (she lives with us) I have to call her on raising her voice to dd. But my mother respects my parenting, has even said to me, "You are a much better mother than I ever was" and she TRIES to be as AP as she can with dd. She fails sometimes, but then, it's hard to undo 70-some years of ingrained behavior. Since dd was 3 she's stayed for periods with my mom by herself... but dd still won't even sleep down in mom's rooms (in the same house!) I trusted my mom, but still followed my dd's cues.

So, no, I don't think grandparents have to have alone time to have a good relationship with their grandchildren. If you can trust them, then I think it's a wonderful part of extended family. We are extended family living together and it works for us, for the most part. But alone time, I guarantee you, is not somehow the magic bullet to making inter-generational relationships work. Dd and my mom had a great relationship long before she was left alone with her because my mom established the relationship on MY DD'S TERMS, not her own.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Mil is constantly asking. The one time I did, though, (a couple years ago) she made 12 month old ds1 CIO like 2 hrs before his normal bedtime, and lost my trust. Sil, however, is perfectly happy to let her baby stay overnight... puts a lot of pressure on us, unfortunately.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"I wouldn't say alone time with the grandparents is necesary, but I do think it's an important part of a close relationship."

That's where we come down on the issue, as well. As to "when," well, both my mom and my MIL have gotten stuck with a fussy infant when I simply had to be elsewhere (either for an appointment, or because I needed a respite), but nobody has ASKED to have alone time with my kids until my kids were happy to be hanging out with them. At this point, all three of my kids love the alone time and can be put to bed by their grandmas with no fuss.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

My experience might differ since we live in a different country than my family/my inlaws. Even when we move back next year we will be a 10 hour drive from my inlaws and a 10 hour plane trip from my family.

In my experience, yes and no. My father would be horrified at me suggesting I leave either of the girls with him. Hes in his late 60s and has mobility issues. So, he barely wanted to spend time with them when I was in the same room with them. Likewise my grandmother is in her 80s, wheelchair bound and mostly blind so no way I would ever leave her with them alone, nor would she want me to. Her opinion is she raised her children now we get to raise ours. Of course shes not a fan of young children, growing up she never spent any alone time with us before we were teens then we would spend 2-4 weeks a year alone with her at her house.

My MIL/FIL/Grandparents in law loves to spend time with the girls when they can. However, only if the girls and I are comfortable with it. Its really hard on my MIL because she loves the girls so much but she restrains herself whenever she sees us and waits for them to approach her first. I can tell its a little draining because she wants to give them hugs/carry them to the car/just be there since they are so tired from the flight but she realizes that it would be worse for them than her leaving them alone and letting them adjust so she gives them space to come to her. FIL is the same way. Pays off too, last time we visited my oldest happily went with FIL about 10 minutes after we met up at the airport to help him pick up pizza and my youngest let my MIL carry her around the grocery store as long as she could see me. While we are there if my oldest wanted to go somewhere with them and they didn't mind I didn't mind. They knew they had to use a carseat, what I allowed my girls to/not to have and they had a full water bottle so they weren't tempted to give her juice/soda (which is a def NO in my house!). My youngest they only watched once while we were there because she nursed every 2-3 hours and wasn't happy with me leaving her. My MIL agrees with me that she rather wait for DD2 to be totally comfortable being left than having to deal with a crying baby. Also, if she started to cry and couldn't be calmed within 5 minutes they called me (she was prefectly fine when we did leave her for 2 hours so we could go out to dinner together). Both agree that under 1 is a no go since they are both breastfed and don't take bottles.. Although I did leave DD1 with them for 15 minutes when she was 3 months old so I could run to the store without taking her out in the rain.


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## Shannie77 (Jan 16, 2007)

I have left DD1 with my mother since she was 4 months old and I went back to teaching ballet a couple hours a week. I completely trust her and DD1 has seen my mom at least once a week if not more since she was born. They have a great relationship and I think the one on one time has been great for both of them. Now my mom is watching DD1 and 2 (6 months) while I go back to work. I totally trust my mom to follow my instructions, she is extremely gentle and even more patient with my DDs then me. Once my DD1 was talking I was happy to leave her alone with my younger sisters and more recently with my in-laws. She has always been excited to have this special time with those people. Growing up I had one on one time with my grandmother and my aunts and it really helped build those relationships.

It would be totally different if I didn't trust those people. I love my in laws but I wouldn't want to leave a baby with them. MIL has some old ideas (did the soother in honey) that would make me nervous. Now that DD1 is older though I totally trust them to watch her.

I would not be leaving my DDs in a house of a smoker. I don't even like to let smokers hold my kids. I think your MIL is totally normally for wanting alone time. If it were me I would invite her over and have her watch LO for increasing amounts of time and see how he does with it. Maybe 15 minutes while you run and errand or clean up outside etc.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I don't think its weird but a lot depends on the relationship.

If we lived closer to our parents. I would in a heartbeat leave DD with my parents for one on one time. MIL I would let in small doses but not as often as I would with my parents. And that is just because of a few outside factors.

My greatest memories for as early as I can remember before I started school was going and spending time with my (maternal) grandparents going out of state a few times a year with my Poppie to go see my great grandma. I was always with my grandparents as much as I could be and I want DD to have the same relationship with her grandparents.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

I do think its a little interesting how people will be ok leaving them with their parents but hesitate with leaving them with their spouse's/significant other's parents. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that?


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I didn't get to read through all 3 pages of responses so apologies if this has been said, but... I think your original post raises 2 different questions: 1) Is it normal for grandparents to want alone time with their grandkids; and 2) How should I decide when my child is ok with being left alone with certain people?

I know grandparents aren't "just anybody" and usually have a very special relationship with a child, but my experience/opinion is that I trust my child to tell me who she is comfortable with and who she isn't. In our case it happens that she's always been comfy with the grandparents at least in that they could hold her from the time she was very very small and she was ok. But we didn't choose to leave her alone with anyone until she was older.

But there are other people (extended family) who dd has ALWAYS cried around, from infancy through now (she's 2). A couple of those people have always fancied themselves godparents and have insisted from day 1 that we need to leave dd with them alone so dd can bond with them and be ok with them. My answer: ummm, NO! In my view, dd was clear that she wasn't ok with them and I felt like in time if she warmed up to them, then I might warm up to leaving her with them, but in the meantime it was NOT necessary (or even a good idea) to somehow "force" dd to adjust and accept being with them.

Again, I know grandparents are special, but if dd had not bonded with one of her grandparents and seemed to cry a lot around them, I'd have the same view: give it time, let's hang out a lot together, but I'm not leaving her alone with that GP until she seems comfortable".

Seems to me anyone who wants to force the issue with a child who otherwise isn't a really cranky kid but who cries around them, that's putting the adult's need for acceptance and quality baby-time over the child's preferences, and I don't think that's right. Grandparent or otherwise. I *do* think it's worth it to spend more time together as a group to facilitate the bonding and see if things change.... but I'm not gonna drop my kid off with anyone - even a GP - just for the goal of getting dd to bond better with thema nd get used to being with them.

By the way, in my case I fully and totally agree with dd's choices. Mostly she is wary of strangers and takes a little time to warm up to people she doesn't know. But once in awhile I'll introduce her to someone I already know I love and trust, and usually dd will instantly warm, sometimes even reaching out to be held by them right off the bat. Meanwhile the extended family above - they have a lot of drama in their home and I am fully ok with dd never being left with them alone.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OkiMom*
> 
> I do think its a little interesting how people will be ok leaving them with their parents but hesitate with leaving them with their spouse's/significant other's parents. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that?


For me it's the exact opposite. But generally it makes a lot of sense. People know their own parents better than their in-laws and so are more likely to trust them (or not trust them, in my case).


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OkiMom*
> 
> I do think its a little interesting how people will be ok leaving them with their parents but hesitate with leaving them with their spouse's/significant other's parents. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that?


For me its because of the relationship. However DH agrees. I trust her however I am not comfortable with leaving DD with her. Few years ago things would have been way different.


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## SparklingGemini (Jan 3, 2008)

My MIL is pushy about "alone time" for "bonding" and has been since my DD was a newborn.

Personally, I think it's creepy.

There's nothing wrong with grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren but grandparents who believe the only way they can bond or get the child used to them is by being alone with them? Yeah, no. What exactly is it that MIL wants to do with my DD that she needs to be alone with her?

Needless to say, my DD is 3.5 and has been alone with MIL exactly ONE time. And that was enough for both DD & I.


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

My children act very differently when I'm around and when I'm not when they are young. Even though they knew and were comforatable with the grandparents they tended to want no one but momma if momma was available. Plus my kids really took long time to warm up every time they visited. So my parents got a better sense of who my kids were even though they saw my kids less frequently than the inlaws because the visits were longer. With my making shorter visits with the kids clinging to me the whole time they never really got to know them. It was only once I started letting the grandparents have more alone time with the kids that they finally felt like they got to know the kids.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OkiMom*
> 
> I do think its a little interesting how people will be ok leaving them with their parents but hesitate with leaving them with their spouse's/significant other's parents. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that?


for us it's a proximity thing. DD has never gone more than two weeks without seeing my mom, and sometimes it's several times a week, because we've never lived more than an hour and a half from my mom, and for quite a while only lived 4 blocks away. DF's mom lives 7 hours away, and we only see her a couple times a year. DD just doesn't know DF's mom well, because she's still under two, and doesn't remember people well after months of not seeing them. If we were closer and saw my MIL more often, or DD was older and remembered who she was I would be comfortable leaving DD with DF's mom.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JollyGG*
> 
> My children act very differently when I'm around and when I'm not when they are young. Even though they knew and were comforatable with the grandparents they tended to want no one but momma if momma was available. Plus my kids really took long time to warm up every time they visited. So my parents got a better sense of who my kids were even though they saw my kids less frequently than the inlaws because the visits were longer. With my making shorter visits with the kids clinging to me the whole time they never really got to know them. It was only once I started letting the grandparents have more alone time with the kids that they finally felt like they got to know the kids.


I can see that being true, that being alone allows the time to warm up... but you didn't say your kids were actually *distressed* around your parents at first. For me, that is the main dividing line. Even though dd may not run smiling into a GPs arms right off the bat, if she doesn't seem distressed to be around them then I'd probably figure out alone time in increments, starting small, to see how she did. But it's the actual distress, especially since in my dd's case she isn't like that with everyone, only certain people. I'm not going to leave her alone with someone (even the GPs) when she seems truly distressed by being held/left with them, just to strengthen their relationship. That feels like putting an adult's desire for bonding ahead of my dd's emotions that maybe this isn't someone she wants to be left alone with yet. In OPs case her son also apparently cried the whole time...

But kids are different and adults are different, so that's just how I see it/do it and I understand others see it differently/have different experiences.


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## Spring Lily (Sep 26, 2006)

Totally normal for a grandparent to want alone time with their grandchild.

Stick to your guns about not allowing him in her apartment because of the 2nd hand smoke.

As far as your MIL, I'm having trouble reading what she's like, but if you don't go out much it is possible that he was more upset about the separation from you than the being there with her part. Yes, he probably could use some practice being babysat by a trusted family member. It does tend to get easier as they learn that when you leave, you will come back and they can still have fun.

I do not trust my MIL to watch my children alone. As nice as she is, she's just not capable of making good decisions IMO. So, we invite her over and then I give her space to create her own relationship with them. I leave the room and go work on things like laundry in the other room or dishes or cooking dinner. I know that I tend to relax with kids more when I don't feel like their parents are hovering over us. It's easier to be fun or silly with them when there isn't another adult there watching you, I think! I do trust my parents to watch my kids, and we started off small, like them staying here with the kids while I ran to the post office or drugstore, and later to the grocery store.

Maybe starting small like this will help you and your son feel better about it.


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## suddenlyamama (Mar 6, 2010)

You know, especially with in-laws, I think that maybe the wanting alone time could be about being able to be themselves with your baby. At least that is my experience. I know she just wants time with my dd because she would like to oo and aaa without having me scoop her out of her arms every hour for a nursing sesh









I think it is completely normal. To lots of people being alone means having time to bond. Or who cares if it is about being a parent again, as long as it doesn't overstep your boundaries. (Like smoking in front of dc, or letting baby cio if you request them not to)

It is so hard to meet in the middle when everyone has so many ways to care for a child. CARE being the main word.


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## Nerd (Jun 15, 2011)

I think it's fine once the kids are old enough to ask to spend time with the grandparents. I don't think it's ok for any grandparent to put pressure on parents when the baby is still small, ie 2 months in my case. My MIL has become very bitter and resentful about us not "sharing" baby with her. Our weekly visits to her during the 1st two months we had baby was not enough for her and she made a lot of demands on us to levae him there. Constantly offerign to babysit, to the point of harassment. She even got other family members to talk to us about us and calle dus possesive. This is not healthy and is in no wya in thebest interest of my child, only her best interest. We had every intention of letting him visit her until she started making trouble for us and creating drama every time we saw here. Ugh!


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