# Does your DC hit?



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

What do you do when this happens?

PS - I'm talking about chronic hitting.


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## Steady101 (Jun 24, 2004)

No he doesn't.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Well my DS does. I am out of ideas. Nothing I do seems to help.


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## BamBam'sMom (Jun 4, 2005)

My DS (2 y/o) hits. He went through a hitting phase after he turned 1. I would just tell him, "No hitting. Hitting hurts." I would also tell him to be gentle, and show him how. It took a few months, but he stopped for the most part.

He started again a month or so ago. I'm doing the same thing as before, but I also show him how hitting affected the other person. Sometimes I'll say something like, "Look, you hit him and now he's crying. Hitting hurts." If I know why he hit, I'll usually show him another way to deal with the problem that caused the hitting: "You wanted him to move. Hitting hurts. Instead, say 'move please.'"

If that doesn't help, I remove him from the situation.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

DS is 4. I have tried that approach and he gets it, but he still hits. It is hard to remove him from the situation because he is bigger now and it requires a certain amount of force. I can still do it but it is harder and he fights it. Also lately his aggression has been directed towards me.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Nope. He tried to start hitting when he was about a year old, and we just didn't allow it. I would stop his arm mid swing, and firmly tell him that hitting was not allowed. He will try to swing at DH or I once in a great while (he's 4 now), out of complete frustration. I remind him that hitting is not allowed, and that it's unkind and hurtful.
He has been hit by other kids, and doesn't like it at all. He doesn't hit back, he just runs to me or DH with hurt feelings. DH tells him to hit back







I remind him that the hitting rule applies to everybody. Thank goodness he listens to me!!!
At any rate, I don't know that I have advice. Like I said, I just simply did not tolerate it, and I was very firm about it. He knew why hitting was not allowed...but the connection didn't really happen until he became more verbal.


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## dukeswalker (Feb 1, 2003)

Nope -


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frenchie* 
He tried to start hitting when he was about a year old, and we just didn't allow it. I would stop his arm mid swing, and firmly tell him that hitting was not allowed.

OK. We never allowed it. Believe me, we have done this exact thing. Over and over.

I am at a point where I am considering taking away possessions/privileges, as punishment for hitting. I do not agree with this philosophy but I am at my wits end. He just does not seem to get it, otherwise.


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## kandkrose (Jan 2, 2006)

my dd hits - chronically. its a very difficult situation. for her, its hard to find a way to communicate that there's a better way, and getting her to stop and think. she's VERY impulsive.

honestly the only thing that has helped has been to get her a stuffed creature (that doesnt resemble any "real" animal or person) that we call bite-y (because she used to bite too). When she hits or bites someone, we stop her, and try to calm her and remind her that its okay to be angry (or frustrated/impatient/etc) but that she cant hit. What she CAN do is stomp, yell, or if she HAS to hit (because she is so impulsive) she can hit the stuffed creature instead. It has saved a lot of hurt for everyone and she has a safe outlet. Obviously its not a fix-all, but for us its helped some.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Is the sky blue?!? Is the Pope Catholic?!?

Oh, wait, I see that some people said their children don't hit.

Well, mine do. We do different things for different situations. Sometimes they hit each other because they're teasing each other. This drives me crazy but they think it's hilarious, so I just kind of try to stay out of it if they're not really hurting each other.

If dd tries to hit me (she's 4), I try to either catch her hand or move out of her way and then very seriously lean down and say softly but firmly, "No hitting, you may not hit me." Then I try to quickly verbalize what she seemed to be feeling and how she could have dealt with it more appropriately.

For some reason, I'm really good at this when she's hitting or trying to hit ME. When she's ds1, though, I don't always do so well. I usually try to do the same thing, but it seems like I end up yelling "STOP!" a lot more. Usually because I'm nursing and can't get there in time, and because she gets much more angry at him. Sometimes I ask her to go to her room and calm down and come out when she can play calmly without hurting anyone. I prefer to avoid this most of the time, because it doesn't teach her the skill that will solve the problem that she was hitting for in the first place, but sometimes she's just hitting because she's too grouchy and tired to hang out with anyone else (she's pretty introverted). She usually goes quite willingly, she has a CD player and art supplies and her blankie and her paci in there, so it's pretty relaxing.

FWIW, I think some hitting is inevitable and normal, and is not going to completely go away at this age. Not to say that all children hit, because I've known some that don't, but I don't think it's that bad if they do. I mean, it's annoying and frustrating and should be taken seriously and treated seriously, but it's not an indicator of future psychosis or anything. It's just an unfortunate part of the dynamic created by your two personalities in a relationship together, or your two dc's personalities. As long as you continue to make it very clear that it's unacceptable, there will be a time when it stops.

At least this is what my sister says! And has seemed to be true with her children, who are 7 and 5.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Sigh. I should reword my title.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

You know, one other thing that helped ds1 when he was in a hitting stage was to focus a lot on sensory activities, like sand, playdough, water, etc.

And wrestling. Dh and I try to wrestle with him a lot. Dd does not like this, but she's far less physical than ds1.

Is your ds physical?

And the other two things that seem to make hitting worse around here are not enough exercise or sleep. Have you looked at that?


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

TY for your responses. I guess I expect these things to stop the behavior. It has not so far. DS sometimes will not stop trying to punch/kick/slap me, or DD - I get what u r saying, natensarah - I get very upset when DS hurts/tries 2 hurt DD.

Should I keep trying to gently restrain him when he persists in trying to hurt us? Sometimes gentle restraint doesn't stop him.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

DS has plenty of access to playdough, sand, water, etc. We go to the park a lot. It is not a sensory issue, I don't think.


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## kandkrose (Jan 2, 2006)

i would do what you need to do within gentle reason to get him to stop the violent behavior. remember that by restraining him at least temporarily if you have to, you're doing it to help protect him and others from pain... we have to do that with DD at times.

like natensarah said, sensory activities really help a LOT. with my dd - we have to redirect her into a sensory activity - sometimes carrying her over to the activity to get out of the situation and to really be able to be redirected (she particularly likes playing with shaving cream and water to help calm her).

you could find anything that will work with that sensory input... even jumping up and down (VERY portable, but doesnt require any equipment either) can help with that large-muscle need to move when anger arises. jump WITH him when he starts hitting. grab his hands and jump. hopefully he'll start jumping with you. if you have to - make up an "angry rap" or song or something... so that he can associate it and have it as a cue and a reminder.

you might also try keeping smaller things on hand for trips - like a string of beads (strong string, large wooden beads) that have some wiggle room for him to fidget with, or some different types of brushes or sensory balls (there are a bunch of different options for sensory "stress" type balls at the dollar store - check the toy section)

the thing that we've had to do for DD is to find a way for her to direct that angry energy to another activity. whether that's biting her "bitey", jumping up and down, or de-stressing with her hands in shaving cream and water...

the idea is that she learns that she can get out her anger and frustrations in ways that dont hurt her or other people.... and eventually she wont need my help to remind her of that.

some kids take a lot longer for this to work... and need reminders. But - progress is progress, and remind yourself that you're doing your best, and that it WILL make a positive impact.

HUGS!


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd* 
OK. We never allowed it. Believe me, we have done this exact thing. Over and over.

I am at a point where I am considering taking away possessions/privileges, as punishment for hitting. I do not agree with this philosophy but I am at my wits end. He just does not seem to get it, otherwise.

How long has this been going on? Instead of taking away possessions or priveledges, maybe you can remove him from the situation. I know time outs are taboo here, but I have used them as a "cool off" time. Remove him and put him in a room, or on a chair somewhere. Let him know that nobody likes to be hit, and the hitting is hurtful. Tell him that when he decides he's ready to stop hitting, he can rejoin whatever situation is was that he was hitting in. Be consistant...and if it doesn't work, try something else!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My kids have hit, intermittently. They do it when they are overwhelmed, especially ds.

I would:
Keep a log of when he does it -- can you figure out what triggers it? If so, that might help you prevent it.

Ditto the sensory stuff. Jumping is a great idea. Our sensory kid (he's got sensory processing disorder) REALLY took to the idea of stomping his feet when he was angry. If you can teach him breathing exercises, that might help too. You might look at "The Out of Sync Child" to see if sensory stuff might be an issue (chronic hitters/biters often have sensory issues).

If you can, try to prevent hitting, just like you're doing. Look for the warning signs. Separate him from you (or you from him) when he does hit. While a lot of people here don't agree with time outs, this is the one time where we do time outs. Our kids are essentially levitated to their rooms when they hit. This, IMO, is a more logical consequence than removing privleges because it's directly tied to what the child has done: anti-social behavior means you can't be around us.

I'd like to say that they're time-ins (where the child gets to decide when to come out), but in reality, ds views them as time outs and we often have to shut the door to keep him in his room long enough to get him to calm down. We then go in and hug. But ds hasn't got great self regulation skills (it's part of the sensory issues) and so he needs to be physically separated in order to calm down, and if we're there that just overloads him more. So, we put him in his room, he screams for a few minutes (he appears to 'need' to do this before he'll accept being comforted), we go in and help him calm down, and things go on.


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## crb (Aug 22, 2005)

I've just been thinking about this too! My dd is 4.5 and just getting "hitty" w/me and dh (and baby brother). An if I say "Hitting hurts, I won't let you hurt me" she takes it as a challenge and starts chasing me around w/her arm cocked to hit me. This really sends me over the edge!
She is also very verbal, so it is so frustrating - why isn't she using her words here when she is







the rest of the time? We have a "take a break" box of activities to do if she starts to get upset, but she won't do it if she is actually getting upset and I suggest it - she just gets angrier.
So right now we are doing the "gimme five" game where she slaps my hand (up high, down low) when she starts to get upset - like controlled hitting.
Baby calling, will be back later - looking for ideas myself!


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Okay, my 7 year old was a chronic hitter. For like, years. We tried e..v..e..r..y..t..h..i..n..g. For the last, oh, 3? months she has *not* been a chronic hitter. In fact, for the first time ever it's *rare* that she hits (and hopefully that will continue-that it's rare, I mean). I can tell you what has helped us.

Recognizing sensory issues: Dd has a lot of sensitivities-clothes feel funny, socks feel funny, super-hearing, that kind of thing. We never connected any of her hitting with her sensory stuff until her psychologist said she suspects that dd's siblings' loud noises and close proximity cause dd to become agitated-activate the old fight or flight response- and she lashes out, gets too upset to think first and find other ways of handling the problem. Recognizing sensory triggers allows us to help dd avoid or cope with them, so that she can behave better. Example: bought her hearing-protection headphones to dampen noise, dd begins to get agitated, we remind dd to put on headphones, dd puts them on and voila-complete mood change, problems averted.

Looking for triggers: It really, really helped to carefully observe under what conditions she was hitting. Who was doing what? What was happening? What time was it? When did she last eat? What had she been eating? How had she been sleeping? What had her mood been like? And so on. Once we saw the triggers, we could be a lot more proactive-helping her deal with things before she reached the point of hitting.

Reading _The Explosive Child_, attending workshops on parenting the explosive child, and using the Collaborative Problem Solving approach from this book: this has helped us both reduce the amount of hitting (and raging tantrums) and teach our dd the skills she needs to handle frustration without hitting (or raging tantrums). The authors say that in order to use their approach, the child you're working with needs the skills of a typically developing 3 year old. I use it with my 3 year old and she can do it.

Reading _Raising A Thinking Child_: lots of ideas to help kids learn better communication, perspective-taking and problem-solving skills.

Empathy and connection, first last and always: This is part of the CPS method too. I was always saying: "No hitting! I can see you're angry..." This is instruction/reprimand first, then empathy. I also did a lot of "empathy, but": "I know you're angy, but you can't hit." I have learned that when I do these things, dd does not feel heard and dd does not hear me: the result is that dd does not learn. She's very intense, emotionally. She needs to be heard first, to know and trust that I am working *with* her. So she needs empathy first: "(dd hits/tries to hit) whoa! what's up? (listen, or guess) So, you wanted that toy, and he has it. (wait for agreement or correction, do this until I'm sure I have heard her concern correctly.) I understand. Thing is, I need us to be safe, hitting isn't safe, and brother doesn't want to be hit either. Let's see if we can work this out another way." You get the idea. It's even better if I don't say anything about the hitting right then (and really, she knows I don't want her to hit) and just focus on the problem at hand: "you want that toy. Thing is, he isn't done using it. Let's see if we can work it out together with our words. Do you have any ideas?" The empathy keeps her calm, and once she has been heard she is open to hearing me-and I'm modeling for her other ways of communicating and handling frustration. KWIM?

Also, we are vigilant about her getting enough sleep and good nutrition. Food dyes are bad. Not getting enough good sleep is bad, leads to worse behavior. And we are big on helping her learn to relax, and to recognize when she's getting upset, and to calm down once upset.

We totally focus on proactive measures. This is hugely important. Dd is not learning in the moment she is hitting, this is not the best time to teach about hitting and using words. We have to work on proactive problem-solving, and on jumping in at the first sign of trouble to guide her (not so much anymore, thankfully, she's learning).

On the occasions that dd has kept hitting and hitting, I've taken her to a safe room and closed myself in there with her (she won't stay by herself, just escalates things) and quietly wait until she's calm. On a couple of occasions I have restrained her-not to stop the hitting, but to keep myself, her or her siblings safe.

There's probably more. We've worked on so much. HTH. (eta dd is also in therapy with a psychologist for anxiety, which is another contributor to her behavior.)


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

My almost 3 year old hits....

It started when she was smaller and would get over excited and slap happy, literally...never to me though but to daddy and her step sister when she was here visiting (but her step sister wasn't and still isn't nice to her at all....not an excuse though..a whole different post elsewhere..). DH laughed about it and it just escalated from there I spose..

She does it more to get a reaction or attention now...mainly to daddy...I told him she won't stop or learn it's wrong bc he thinks a smack on the hand teaches her a lesson and that hitting is wrong...I asked to see the logic in that...Don't you smack but I can???? And that I didn't want him to do it again....it was wrong, doesn't teach her anything and she's too young to understand reasoning like that....

She's a very active child....very physical....very spirited in everything....and can be hard to handle at times....but she learned that when she did this first, it was funny and even though it's not funny now, she still does it to get a reaction....

Slowly but surely she's slowed down but there are times when she is smack happy...but not to me...just to daddy right now....

We're working on it...


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## Teensy (Feb 22, 2002)

My oldest DS was a hitter for several years (begining as soon as he could crawl to other kids). Like a previous poster, I tried EVERYTHING to stop it. Ultimately, I think he just had to grow out of it. He is still pretty implusive, but no longer so aggressive.

What I finally settled on was using time-outs. It didn't eliminate the problem, but I felt like a needed to do something and I needed to know in advance what that something would do so I didn't overreact to his hitting ('cause you know how embarrassing it is when your kid is that violent kid at the playground). I would usually set him on the bottom step for the minute-per-year amount of time. If he didn't stay, I would sit behind him and hold him with his arms crossed in front of him so he couldn't hit me.

I can already feel the flames from those who think this isn't GD, but when your kid repeatedly hurts others, even though he can tell you that he knows he shouldn't hit because hitting hurts, but that he just reacts before he can stop himself - if you've actually been there you'll probably understand the need to do something.

He got kicked out of one preschool (where he only went five hours per week). I've been yelled at by a mom in the middle of a classmate's birthday party (boy, was that a low point). I have cried gallons of tears during the time I dealt with having an impulsive, agressive little boy. It is absolutely draining.

So I guess I don't have any great advice, but I do offer hope because he is now seven and I no longer get phone calls from school very often; I can take him to parks and playgrounds without fear. He is soooo much more pleasant to other kids these days.

I also consulted a child psychologist, which was helpful to me. Again, it didn't offer a true "fix", but it make me feel better to come up with a plan (the time-outs and other strategies) in advance.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.


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## Spanish Rose (Jan 29, 2007)

*Point's at Sledg's post*

My 12 year old was a chronic hitter. He grew out of it, eventually. It was also hitting siblings, never hitting us.

Our stategies? Well, there were several: gentle touches, stopping him, sensory activities, watching his sleep, giving him words and scripts to express himself with, etc. When all else failed, we would send him to his room until he had stopped raging.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd* 
Should I keep trying to gently restrain him when he persists in trying to hurt us? Sometimes gentle restraint doesn't stop him.

I would restrain him as much as you need to. If you need to hold him tightly and firmly, maybe that's necessary. If he's freaking out when you do that, I'd carry him to another room and get some distance between you so that you don't have to restrain him. Dd panics when she's restrained.

I do think it's very unhealthy to let him hit you, as you probably do too. When dd tries to hit me, I try to think of how I would want HER to react if someone tried to hit her. It's so easy when she's hitting me, if only I could be more consistent when she's hitting ds1!


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

My son has always insisted that physical violence is the way to deal with problems. He is only 5 now, but since he was really, really little, he would say things like "let's beat him up!" about a kid who was mean to someone. The thing is, no matter how much we talked about it, it didn't change his opinion, though as he has gotten older, I think he sees the futility of physical violence, and gets that it isn't really the best solution -- I think it's a natural urge for a lot of people, and we just have to work through it.

He has mostly only hit or bit his sister and us, but there have been a few occasions where he has gotten really frustrated with another kid, I wasn't paying close enough attention (because it's not really a chronic problem, it creeps up sometimes when we least expect it) or the last time when another kid (who has a history of not being very kind to ds) had him pinned down and he bit him to get away. It's hard because it makes him feel bad about himself, but he does need to understand that kids won't want to be around him if they are afraid of being hurt. I have gotten a lot more matter-of-fact about that lately, and it seems to be helping.

What I always have to remind myself of, is all the positive things about him -- I have never, ever seen him ever try to hurt someone's feelings, or be mean to anyone -- he has reacted violently towards other kids when he has gotten really, really frustrated, so that's what we're working on, making better reactions come more naturally. He really hates to hurt people too, it's so sad when it happens.

I appreciate a lot of the suggestions here, thanks! I don't have a lot of additional advice, other than to try to focus on positive aspects of your son's personality, and love, love, love him to bits. I can only speak for myself, but punishment has never worked for my son, though I do remove him from the situation to regain control, which is kind of like a "time-in" I suppose.

hang in there!!


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Thank you for your responses. They have all been helpful. I was feeling pretty desperate last night when I posted. Things are better today but I still have residual bad feelings from the past few days. I'm trying to shake it off.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Both my sons hit at age 4. I'm convinced it was a developmental thing. They only hit me and/or DH. But esp. mea nd it was craziness, on a daily basis.

We put a strategy DH and I could agree on IN WRITING, and we handled it consistantly every time. It stopped within 3-4 weeks of handling it very consistantly. With both boys, it got to the point where we could see their face turning red, their fist curling up, and then they would very consciously and delibrately use their words. And we would praise them. But it was a lot of work getting there.

I've posted our strategy before. Do you want it again?


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## Teensy (Feb 22, 2002)

One other thing I found that made the problem harder to deal with - my DS didn't just ball up his fist and punch other kids in the face. That sort of behavior is clearly inapporiate and must be halted immediately. It was all the other behaviors that that I had problems dealing with.

For example, at the playground: DS is by himself in the sandbox tossing sand so it goes six inches up in the air before falling to the ground. Do I force him to stop this behavior. What about the same thing but now another child has joined the sandbox? Or if he throws the sand two feet up in the air? Once he is throwing sand up so that it is falling down on other children, it is clear I must force him to stop, but there is lots of grey area in between.

Another example, at the playground - DS and another child both set out to get on the bouncy horse at the same time. They reach for the handle bars at the same time, but DS is more persistant and leaps onto the horse first, causing the other child to fall down. What if the other child had gotten there first and had started to put one leg over the saddle? Or on the slide, a child is sitting at the top for a full minute, refusing to slide down, so DS gives him a shove, so the other kid goes down and now he'll be able to use the slide. Is this behavior so bad I must take him home from the playground immediately? Now what if that child was standing at the top of the slide when my DS gave him a shove so he could use the slide? While the adults can clearly understand why this is much worse than shoving the sitting kid, I do see how a three year old isn't quite able to grasp the difference - after all, he's not trying to hurt anyone, he just wants to go down the slide himself.

I am clearly not actually asking for answers to these questions, I am just trying to point out that stopping an aggressive child's behavior is not always so black & white.

BTW, I ultimately started dividing agressive behaviors into major/minor acts. One major violation (a true hit, or pushing the kid who was standing at the top of the slide) and we went home immediately. Three minor violations, and we also left the park.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Mamaduck, I would greatly appreciate it if you would post your "strategy". I don't have a prepared response to fall back on when he hits, at the moment. I have tried various things and none of them seemed to help. For instance, for a while my standard response was to send him somewhere to cool off. He could even choose the location, it just had to be someplace relatively quiet and private. Sometimes this worked but other times he would refuse to go, resist violently, etc. and I found myself carrying him to his room and forcing him to stay in there, which of course only upset/enraged him more. Anyway - all concrete suggestions are welcome. A big part of the problem for me is handling my own anger at his behavior, and having a stock response really helps me to be calm.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Mine hits me, not often. It's a new thing she was/is still sort of trying on.

I say, *very* firmly: "We do NOT hit mama!"


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## maku (Oct 25, 2005)

:


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Alright. What worked for us:

1) Remove him to a private place. Stay with him.

2) If he was continuing to hit and kick, we did restrain him if necessary, as gently as we could, until he agreed verbally to stop hitting. We would say, _"I can't let you hurt people. I will let go when you tell me that you won't hurt anyone."_

3) When he was able to talk, I'd ask him to tell me what the problem was. Usually, I'd get an earful about whatever it was that made him mad. With my kids, I had to be careful to not draw attention to their _feelings_ -- instead I had to focus on the _problem_. My kids are "thinkers" though. I have some children at work who are "feelers" and with them I focus on what they were feeling. Like I said, I usually got an earful and usually there was a lot of yelling and some not-very-nice sentiments expressed. The important part in this phase is to listen without arguing or judging, and to really hear them out. Reflect back what you understand the problem to be (whatever made them want to hit.) Do NOT tell him that he was wrong or irrational. Just listen and accept his 4 yo. immarture perspective and remember how hard it is to be little sometimes. Thank him for using his words to tell you the problem.

4) Talk about ways to solve the problem. Ask whether hitting solves anything -- what would happen if everyone in the world tried to solve problems by hitting? What are some better choices for solving the problem? Go through 3-4 "better possible choices."

5) Pick one and role play it. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you want him to form new responses (new habits) then he needs the practise. So we role play it. We make it our "plan for next time."

6) Talk about the need to check in with the victim. Some sort of acknowlegement is necessary. It can be an apology, but if he doesn't want to say sorry -- he can offer a hug or just ask if you (or the victim) is okay.

7) If at all possible, work with him to solve the original problem by helping him to resolve it.

* Notice incidents where he uses his words and recognize the fact. Praise is fine, "Thank you for using your words." But even better than praise -- let his words be effective when he chooses to use them. Make sure he is heard and respected. Don't worry about yelling or harsh expressions of strong feelings -- you can work on his tone later. Right now you just want him using his words -- and yelling or using a bad tone is better than hitting, so its progress.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

No, *knock on wood*, never say never though...


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
3) When he was able to talk, I'd ask him to tell me what the problem was. Usually, I'd get an earful about whatever it was that made him mad. *With my kids, I had to be careful to not draw attention to their feelings -- instead I had to focus on the problem.* My kids are "thinkers" though. I have some children at work who are "feelers" and with them I focus on what they were feeling. Like I said, I usually got an earful and usually there was a lot of yelling and some not-very-nice sentiments expressed. The important part in this phase is to listen without arguing or judging, and to really hear them out. Reflect back what you understand the problem to be (whatever made them want to hit.) Do NOT tell him that he was wrong or irrational. Just listen and accept his 4 yo. immarture perspective and remember how hard it is to be little sometimes. Thank him for using his words to tell you the problem.

I have learned to think of "empathy" in just this way-not focusing on my kids' feelings but on their _concern_, the problem. This has been so very important with my kids, they really want their problem/concern to be heard.

Mamaduck, thank you for posting your method. It's so clear and very helpful.


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## maku (Oct 25, 2005)

Mamaduck, thank you so much for sharing your action plan. Your strategy could easily be modified for kids that don't hit. What a great way to address temper tantrums.


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## Mpenny1001 (May 21, 2005)

As one of the PP mentioned, we do "controlled hitting". When DD would hit someone, we would say, "We don't hit people. You can hit the (insert nearby object - couch, pillow, etc) if you are frustrated." Or, "We don't hit people. You can clap your hands, stomp your feet and say "Oh!"". It took a few weeks, but now when she's frustrated she'll clap her hands together and stomp her feet instead of hitting. In fact, lots of times we're going on our merry way and all of a sudden she'll do a clap and stomp and I didn't even realize she was frustrated about something.


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## crb (Aug 22, 2005)

Sledg- thanks for the idea of dealing w/child first - I do tend to get so flustered w/the action and focus on that and it sends dd over the edge. And I am upset about the hitting, so now there are two upset people and no solutions. Definitely addressing the concern first would help. I am trying to get in the habit of asking "What is your concern?" when dd starts yelling at her brother and have been surprised at how many concerns she has! They may not warrant her reaction in my book, but I can see where she is coming from and her worries (she doesn't want ds coming close because she has a libarary book and she is worried he will damage it)

Mamaduck - great process - very straightforward and clear - just what one needs when all heck is breaking loose emotionally!


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

My ds was a hitter from 18 months to around 4.5 years. It was sooooo hard to deal with after, oh, say year 2 or so! He's nearly 5 and (knock on wood) the behavior is mostly behind us now. You've got some great advice on this thread and I won't repeat what's already been said, but I do want to counter the idea that parents of children who hit are "allowing" or not "forbidding" the behavior to happen.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

He did!! A LOT! From about 18 mos. to 2.5/3! Oh my god--it was hell. I'm sure there are lots of posts in this forum about it!







He's 5 now and it's pretty well resolved (a new baby brother has thrown a wrench into some of it). I can post later some of the things we did.

And no offense, but I just have to laugh at the notion that I could've just made it clear that it was unacceptable and he would have stopped.







It was sooooo much bigger than that.


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

My ds,2,hits me out of frustration. Usually when we have to end an activity,or get in the carseat,etc. He's famous for swinging at me while ripping my glasses off and pulling my hair when it's time to leave the park.







: I try to catch his hands but sometimes I'm not quick enough when trying to hold my other ds's hand. He also scratches. Hard.

Lately I have been at a loss,because I will remove myself from him when I can,like when we are at home and he is doing it I will go in the other room,but I really dunno what to do when he does it while we are out.

The other day at the park he ripped my glasses off,tossed them on the ground,and started scratching my face and grabbing for my hair. I just restrained his hands and told him it's not ok to hurt people just because he was upset at leaving the park,but when he is in a rage he doesn't really hear anything I am saying,kwim? It's mentally draining sometimes,cause he is SO unrelenting lately. He really just doesn't stop.


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom* 

And no offense, but I just have to laugh at the notion that I could've just made it clear that it was unacceptable and he would have stopped.







It was sooooo much bigger than that.

Yup.







It just doesn't work that way for my ds. I sure wish it did!


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Mamaduck - thanks for posting that. I forwarded it to DH for him to read.


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## donannedean (Jul 8, 2005)

I have read alot of what people posted but not read anything about the way Naomi Aldort suggests dealing with hitting. Please check out her web site or book www.naomialdort.com or Raising our Children Raising ourselves. It really helps you to think outside the box and is the most loving approuch i have ever come accross. My daughter hit a lot as well.

I hope this can give you some insights
Donanne


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## Gabihugs (Feb 23, 2007)

My first DD was the most laid back child ever and has never hit. The second DD is a much more physical, easily over stimulated, hyper, wiggly baby. She has already started hitting and pinching at six months old. I have already started to stop her because I can see she likes it when she gets a reaction. Should I restrain her at this age? We have found that giving her something to pound on like an old keyboard or something satisfies her exploration of this sensation without hitting another person. However, she seems to like to hit things that are hard and I am afraid she is hurting herself. Should I stop her? She looks at her hand sometimes after pounding on a table or whatever.

Is this a different issue from a 4 year old hitting? I mean I guess it is but she mostly does it when excited but sometimes will just reach over a pop someone. I just don't know if ignoring it is a good idea.


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## WannabeaFarmer (Jul 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *donannedean* 
Please check out her web site or book www.naomialdort.com or Raising our Children Raising ourselves. It really helps you to think outside the box and is the most loving approuch i have ever come accross. My daughter hit a lot as well.


That is an awsome way to approach parenting. I am totally gonna buy that book now after following the link to read up on some of her stuff. I love it1 Thanks







:


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## elsie366 (Jan 18, 2006)

My 4y/o ds started hitting after the birth of my dd. He was 22M when she was born. I knew he was hitting me because he was so angry with me for not letting him nurse like he was use to, yada yada yada. In my post-birth mental state, I wouldn't let him nurse if he were hitting me! Exactly what he *did* need! I feel so terrible now, and wish I could redo that phase, for a different post.

As he has gotten older I (yes, the hitting is directed at me) I have left the room, telling him I realize he was angry with me, but I don't like being hit, please use your words...I have also just allowed myself to be hit. This usually took place at night in bed while I was nursing his sister to sleep. I would try to show him control, but hard to stay in control and I sometimes failed. Once she was asleep I could hold him, if he would let me...took only a minute, and nurse him. I remember reading something someplace, that one's child will hit the one they have the most trust in...us, their mothers. They trust we will not go crazy on them and return the hits/kicks, but most of all, they trust us to help them get back on track emotionally.

I would tell him it is okay to be angry (he would always apologize to me for hitting me or kicking me, and for being angry with me!) with someone but not to hit/kick them. If he felt like hitting, hit the couch (did it for a little bit.)

He has gotten a lot better over the last year in terms of striking out when angry. But I know there is a long road ahead in terms of getting a grip on his emotions. He is now slamming and locking his door. I wish I could nurse him more than what I do, although I have noticed lately I am not as whacky while he is latched on like I have been the past 2 1/2Y.... I truly believe in extended nursing, (I just wish my brain reacted differently after the birth of dd...different post) turning 3, 4, and 5 is hard! Anyway..

I agree with moms here, kids are going to "hit!" How many guys come up to our kids and teach them to give a high-5, but when a child comes up to that guy and gives his version of a high-5, the child is reprimanded for hitting! Sometimes what is a hit and what is play can be confusing, especially when a male family member is involved. You have to know when to step in. I have tried telling my son that he can defend himself. Not by striking back but with defensive moves, like the ones I have to sometimes use with him. Usually he is defending himself from potential blows by his sister!

Thought I would share. Good luck! And call someone if you need a break! Sometimes I think our kids also need a break from us for a couple hours.

Elsie


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## Aquarian2366 (Jun 28, 2005)

My DD (almost 3) occasionally hits. It is mostly when she is frustrated and tired. And it is barely a tap now (not anything hurtful). At first she used to hit in the face, which was really bad and was put in to time out, but she has learned that it is not good and I think the "tapping" she does is just to get a rise out of me. Unfortunately, I am not consistent with the time outs anymore and just try to ignore it. She doesn't hit anyone else but me and is a really sweet child. I have tried to explain about using words when you are frustrated and it is cute to hear her say "frustrated".
Good Luck


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Neither of my kids hit, but my DD (17 months) BITES. I am out of ideas to stop this, but luckily she only does it once a week or so, so it's not a huge problem.

I hope you find a solution.


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## hammas (Oct 19, 2006)

I'm glad I found this thread! So many great ideas and important aspects to think about. My ds (3,5) is still learning a way to handle his frustration and anger in a way that is socially acceptable and I really need to be able to help him more.


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd* 
OK. We never allowed it. Believe me, we have done this exact thing. Over and over.

I am at a point where I am considering taking away possessions/privileges, as punishment for hitting. I do not agree with this philosophy but I am at my wits end. He just does not seem to get it, otherwise.


We are going through something similiar right now. The biggest thing that is helping has been figuring out what condtions bring about the hitting (dd wants ds to move out of her way or wants me or dh to herself but is too frustrated to verbalize it) My dd (almost 3 ) is very verbal but she's still little! When she needs attention and isn't getting it fast enough to her liking, she gets physical. We have done some taking ways priviliges (or actually earning priviliges by being "kind".) I don't totally agree w/ doing it all the time, but like you - was at my wits end and I feel it is a better way of parenting than yelling, threatening, hitting etc.







We do this: DD likes to have stories at bedtime - LOTS and LOTS!! When she does something kind to her brother (hug, walk around him instead of push him out of the way, ask me to move him instead of hitting him, etc.) she gets another story & she can put it next to the bed for bedtime. I also try to make sure that she doesn't have to wait excessively for stuff or have other unnecessary frustrations (obviously there will always be some - but I try to minimize what I can & teach her ways if dealing with it/talking about it)

Hope this helps!


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## cupofjojo (Mar 29, 2007)

My DS at 18 months started this phase and we too did the stopping of the arm and firmly telling him it was not acceptable. He would also hit things as well. I asked our doc and he mentioned molars. Sure enough a few weeks later they were through and the phase stopped.

Well at least for a 1 year. At almost 3 it started again, and we again stopped the arm if it continued and it was very deliberate we would tell him no "ie. play dough today" if you hit. It worked really well.

In addition since I have switched my son's diet to no sugars, or really carb oriented breakfasts his temperament has changed dramatically. We are doing protein shakes and fruit. There are no sugar rushes and I think that's helped the even temperament.


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## nylaboo (Mar 29, 2007)

MY DD, now 21 months, used to hit us.







: It was so frustrating! We finally got the behavior to go away by giving it as little attention as possible and making it clear it was not OK. Once she would hit we would set her away from us or put her down and say, "No hitting. Use gentle touches." then walk away or turn our backs. IT helped with our own frustration too. It didn't take long for it to go away once we both started doing that. When we made a big deal about it and talked about it it did not work. NOW DD is hitting babies and thinks it is funny. She will smile after she does it or even tell me she wants to do it when she sees a baby. This feels even more frustrating. I feel like we have tried everything and now are back to trying to give it as little attention as possible. I will pick her up and remove her from the setting, but not launch into what is "OK" or not, etc.

I really enjoyed Naomi Aldort's (sp?) book as well Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting (although I did not agree with all of this book) but don't find it to be to revelent to these little ones. They don't really run on logic. It does make a HUGE difference when we acknowledge her feelings vs. trying to talk her out of it our distract her.

THis has been a great thread. Thanks for all the info!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

My DD doesn't hit often, and never at all hard, but it does sometimes emerge... always at bedtime, usually when she is trying to delay (yes, I know, she's probably overtired). The problem I have is this...here's how it happens:

She's already generally hyper and kind of wired. She's usually arguing with me about not wanting to do something. She takes an idle swing or kick at me, usually with a bit of a grin on her face. I say, "You may not hit me. Hitting hurts," and move away. She immediately BURSTS into sobs and says "Cooomme baaaack, coooome baaack, coooome closer." I say I will come back if she stops hitting. She says she will. She hits me again as soon as I come back--again, not angrily, but with a sort of devious look.







:







: What's this about, and any suggestions?

BTW, she has never hits other kids or other adults. (I know I'm lucky!) Only me or DH. I have sometimes tried redirecting to a high-five or a rough-and-tumble cuddle or something like that. She actually goes for that, sort of, but then it tends to degenerate.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
BTW, she has never hits other kids or other adults. (I know I'm lucky!) Only me or DH. I have sometimes tried redirecting to a high-five or a rough-and-tumble cuddle or something like that. She actually goes for that, sort of, but then it tends to degenerate.

Yeah, my dd does this, too. I try to derail into a tickle. Sometimes I grab her and say in a playful voice, "You weren't going to hit me, were you? Because then I'd have to tickle you!" I don't know if that's not treating it as seriously as I should, but it happens pretty rarely so I don't feel like it's a problem.


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## crb (Aug 22, 2005)

loraxc-
I was just rereading the Highly Sensitive Child and she has a part about how to "correct" a HSC. Basically, you have to really talk around the behavior rather than telling them they are doing something wrong - they have a strong reaction to being "accused" of not doing things "right".
I notice w/my dd - I have to say things in a really roundabout way - like "People don't like to be hit" - if I mention her hitting or me being hit, it is somehow too personal for her and it does escalate. It is hard and frustrating when she really is doing something unacceptable to me, but rereading this part reminded me of that idea of creating space - that HSC really feels very bad and has trouble w/that feeling - doesn't just feel bad and let it pass, holds on the the guilt, etc. Not sure if your dc is hs, but thought I would throw it out there!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Yeah, natensarah, I struggle with whether it's "okay" to derail it that way. On the one hand, it isn't "serious" hitting, but on the other, she isn't 18 months old any more, YK? I'm not sure what the motivation is. It stumps me.

Quote:

notice w/my dd - I have to say things in a really roundabout way - like "People don't like to be hit" - if I mention her hitting or me being hit, it is somehow too personal for her and it does escalate.
I don't know if DD is HS, but I should probably read that book. I know she hates beign "accused" of things. She's highly...something.







Actually, she has some of the characteristics of a spirited child in GREAT abundance, but others not at all.


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## Char V (Mar 22, 2007)

Been reading with great interest. Thanks to all who posted experiences & ideas.

My 16 month-old DS hits with glee - this seems to be play to him. We've got half of his toys on top of furniture (out of reach) because they've all been used as weapons. His hardest belly laughs come when chasing & hitting our poor dogs! I am highly frustrated with this (probably more so because he thinks it's fun) and am eager to try some of the ideas posted here.

Char


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