# 1 yr old just died. what can i do?



## santeleni (Jun 27, 2009)

my sister's friend's 1 yr old just passed away from bacterial meningitis. this was her first, a little boy. just celebrated his birthday. last week she sent a text cancelling his bday party because he had a fever. next thing we know he's passed away! what do i do? what can i say to her? i'm so sad myself i can't even imagine her pain. any advice?


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Wow, that's so hard. I don't know what you can say but you're just so sorry for her loss.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I'm so sorry to hear...I cannot imagine nor can I even think what the "right" thing to do would be...it's so so so sad









i guess a card with some thoughtful words...just knowing that you are keeping them in your thoughts/prayers (if applicable).


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Ugh, that is awful. When my son died, offers of food were the most welcome...comfort food like lasagnas and pot pies that can be frozen. If they have other children, you could offer to watch them. As for what to say, say "I'm sorry", speak the child's name, don't be afraid to cry, listen to their story...they'll need to tell it again and again to wrap their heads around the fact that their child is dead.


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## santeleni (Jun 27, 2009)

thanks for your thoughts. i guess this will be a long slow process for her. it's terrible. the most terrible thing for a mom to deal with.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

How terrifying and sad!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

How horrible. I'm so sorry for your friend. There aren't really any 'right' things to say.. but I feel it's better to say anything than nothing. Food is also helpful in the early weeks.. they aren't going to feel like eating or preparing food... just be a shoulder for them to cry on.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I second the vote for providing food for them. Also, perhaps you could make a donation to an appropriate charity in her little boy's name and send them a card letting them know you've done so. I was so touched when people I didn't really know gave money to stillbirth charities in Emma's name. The fact that she was acknowledged as a little person was as touching as anything else.

Edited to say: She'll have (probably) a lot of people helping out right now. Remembering her in a couple of months too, when a lot of her help will have drifted away will be so important to her.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Don't just say "If you need anything...call me". We don't call. Even though we need so much. For so long. Just bring food...things to nurture mama AND dad with. I have a friend who brings a grocery bag full of fruit once a week..and it always has a bouquet of flowers, some sort of chocolate, candles, and something nurturing like a special organic shampoo, or massage oil, or bubble bath....she's amazing. She just shows up with it and warm hugs. She is the sister I never had...only better. She doesn't stay long...but she lets me cry, talk, and she reminds me that life is worth living. She always brings something my husband will like too...like a burned C.D. or an art magazine...

The fact is...everyone else stopped offering help after a week...and we are still so overwhelmed...even more so now that life has to keep moving.

It really helps to know you haven't been forgotton...


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## AstridS (Mar 9, 2007)

Just talk to her. Ask about her little boy, ask her how she is feeling and let her know that you will be there for her for the weeks and months to come.
After we lost our little boy I liked it when people cooked fro us or did the grocery shopping or took my girls out for fun outings and daytrips. It was hard for me to do anything with them. I was so numb from the grief and it was nice to know that they were with an adult who didn't act like a zombie or cried all the time.

Oh, yes. And maybe later on, go and put som flowers on her sons grave. It always makes me happy, when I see that someone besides us remembers my baby and takes the time to go visit his grave.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

OH no.







My friend's son passed away 15 months ago. I still see her and just can't imagine going on. But she does. After her son's death I sent food. A meal for the evening and some frozen stuff, I also sent a cuddle toy for her daughter. She belonged to a baby group too so we chipped in a bought a plaque in the park with her son's name on it.

Months later....I purchased a beautiful necklace from (labelledame). She really liked it.

Around the one year anniversary I offered to make a scrapbook, and although interested she never accepted the offer.

The worst part is...my daughter was born the same week as her son. When she sees my daughter she chats with her, and I still get choked up inside....she should have a little one too.

And all the things I have done...still feel lame. The one thing she should get is her son back.....and it is heartbreaking to me that it will not happen.

Around the one year anniversary...she seemed to distance herself from me. Maybe she needs time and space .....not sure.....


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