# new here...loss @ 19 weeks (long)



## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Well, I joined several months ago and posted on the board for moms expecting in September for a few days. Then I was just so tired all the time between working and having kids and being pregnant that I stopped posting because I decided to stay off the computer to make sure I went to bed and got the rest I needed.
Now I'm back because every time I google pregnancy loss, this board pops up, and it seems like a nice community.
Here's my story. I was pregnant with my 6th child and everything seemed pretty routine. I heard a heartbeat at my 11 week checkup and my 15 week checkup. As the second trimester went on, I had a nagging concern in the back of my head that things weren't quite right. I was carrying very small, and the baby seemed so quiet compared to my others. I could feel her movements sometime, but as I got to 18 weeks I kept thinking that I should be feeling her more, and that when I was pregnant with my other kids, by this point, other family members would have been able to feel her kicks, too.
No one but me ever felt this baby kick.
On the last day she was alive, I had an u/s scheduled in the afternoon. I was at work all alone (I work in a school and it was spring vacation), and I spent the morning rubbing my belly and talking to my baby. I was so excited to be finding out whether it was a boy or a girl that afternoon, and I was so sure she was a girl.
We had the u/s, and everything seemed to be going okay. The tech told us it was a baby girl. We saw her sucking her thumb and kicking her feet. The doctor came in and went over all the pictures, and he started saying how she was measuring about 10 days small. I wasn't too concerned because my other kids had measured 5 or 6 days small at this point. I'm tiny, my kids are tiny. But he kept talking about how 10 days is the point when they start to worry, and how we should come back in to check her growth in a few weeks. He mentioned that babies with Trisomy 18 can start to drop off in growth at about this point in the pregnancy. He did say he didn't see anything else wrong, and no other markers for Trisomy 18.
I went home feeling worried, but I thought maybe the baby just needed me to take extra good care of her. I thought I would concentrate on not working so hard, resting more, and eating more carefully. I thought I could make her grow.








The next morning, I was exactly 19 weeks pregnant. I had a routine midwife appointment in the morning. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, and said we could come back later in the day for her to check again, or we could go for an u/s right away. Well, I had just seen my baby alive 16 hours ago, so I thought it must be her position, or maybe the placenta was in the way or something. I said we'd come back in the afternoon. I went home and drank some juice and lay down in bed, figuring I'd feel the baby move. After a few hours, I pressed on a little lump -- her head or butt, thinking she'd kick back. She didn't. I pressed harder. Nothing. I shook her, gently. Then harder. I felt nothing from her. I had a terrible picture pop into my head of my baby floating, lifeless. It was too awful to think about.
We went back to the midwife, and she came into the room just after my husband had left to take our 3 year old to the potty. She listened again with the doppler and we heard nothing but me. She said she was sending us for an u/s right then. That she hoped everything was fine, but she put her hand on my arm and said "I just want you to be prepared....don't be alone".
The u/s was unspeakably horrible. It was at a place I'd never been before, done by a complete stranger. He started the u/s and I saw my baby's legs floating, not kicking. I saw her face, then her arms, just floating loosely, not tucked up to her face like they'd been the day before. My heart started to race so, so fast. I wanted to scream, "is my baby dead? IS MY BABY DEAD?". No one said anything. I wanted to just plain scream. The doctor started measuring her head, then her leg. I tried to breathe. I thought, he must see that she's alive. She must be sleeping. He wouldn't take all this time to do measurements if she weren't okay. This went on for a few minutes. I started to believe she was alive.
Then I realized we were looking at her chest. That we should be seeing the 4 chambers of her heart flickering, like we'd seen 24 hours ago. There was nothing there. I stared at the screen, hoping I was wrong, that we were looking at something else.
THen he said it. "I'm sorry. I don't see a heartbeat".
The only thing I could think was "I don't understand". I couldn't say anything.
Then he said, "you've had a miscarriage. It wasn't your fault. It happens to lots of women...."
I tuned him out; my baby was dead.

That was one month ago today. It seems like a day; it seems like a year. I had a D&E 5 days after we found out she was dead, and those 5 days of waiting were the longest, most excruciatingly awful days I have ever been through. I feel so lost, so alone. I can hardly think of anything else. Sometimes I feel numb enough to make it through the day, taking care of the kids, going for walks, gardening, watching t.v.. I have trouble reading because my mind drifts and I realize that my eyes are going over the page but I'm thinking about my baby. I can't fall asleep at night, and I have terrible nightmares, mostly about my 18 month old dying.
I know this is all part of the trauma reaction and the grief process. But it takes so long, and it hurts so much. And I feel so alone, I could use some company.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Dear, you are not alone, not by a long shot.










I am so, so sorry you lost your baby daughter.

It will get better, you need to know that. It won't always hurt this much.

Come here to talk anytime, this board is full of good listeners.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

thank you ,Keri. Your warm welcome made me cry. Of course, just about anything does these days.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby!!!!

How dififcult this time must be for you and your family. AS Keri said, this board is a wonderful place for support and companionship - the kind of companionship none of us really wants! Though each of our losses is differnt, one thing seems to remain constant: the passage of time makes bearing the sorrow just a bit easier. Every day. Little by little.

Take care of yourself. Talk with us here when you need to. I'll cry with you, anytime.


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## sarah73 (Jul 10, 2005)

im so sorry for your loss.. take care


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## fallriverfox (Nov 16, 2006)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry.


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## moderngal (Jun 7, 2006)

I am so sorry.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. You're definitely not alone here.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I'm very sorry for your loss mama.


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

Oh mama! I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. My SIL lost a baby at 19 wks too. She had almost the same experience - the midwife not finding the heartbeat - having an ultrasound and seeing...... I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you.







Maybe a Flower Remedy would help? Rescue Remedy or Star of Bethlehem are for trauma. Star of Bethlehem is for birth trauma especially. I hope you are able to find some peace.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss









I, too, was a member of the Sept DDC...I lost my baby girl at 12 weeks.

This is a great place for support.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Former Sept DDC'er here also.
So very sorry Katrinka, your story reminds me of many of the same things I thought when I found out I'd miscarried at 18 weeks. It is so very painful and I am sorry that you are going through this!!!! My heart breaks for you and just want you to know you are not alone and we are here for you







One month out was when I went through my darkest point, but it did get better after that. It's not ALL better, but it is some better.

What did you name her?.. if I may ask?








for your sweet baby girl.

Wishing you comfort, peace, rest, and much support from all who love you.

Again, I am so very sorry


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

HUGS!!! You are not alone. And I have a somewhat similar experience. I delivered my baby girl at 20 weeks this past Feb. And like you, it feels like yesterday and a year ago at the same time. Delivering that baby was probably the hardest thing you have ever done and gone through, so be gentle with yourself.

I'm thinking of you and your baby girl!!! HUGS!


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

I am so sorry that you lost your baby girl - my sis lost her baby boy at 18 weeks too, it took a long time to heal - in fact 3 years later she still talks alot about it and how much she pains to have her baby - be good to yourself lots of cyber hugs to you


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

thank you all for your kind words. (((hugs)))) to all of you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moodyred01* 

What did you name her?.. if I may ask?

:

We named her Eleanor. Thanks for asking, BTW. Not very many people in real life have thought to ask.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

Katrinka -- I am so sorry you lost your sweet Eleanor. I lost our Zachary five weeks ago tomorrow at 22w1d, so I'm here with you, sister. You are not alone. I actually have been able to read, and if you find yourself able to at all, I'm reading a good book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart." I had actually already read a couple of books on loss dealing mainly with the spiritual aspect of loss, but what makes this different -- and in some ways better -- is this book deals with the physical aspects of loss. I thought I was literally losing my mind with the things I would think or do, but have been assured through the sort of compilation of information and experiences from other mommies on their reactions to loss. I realized I'm not as crazy as I thought I had become and that it's ok to barely make it some days. My path of grief is my own, exclusive to me, and it's all ok. Zachary's death is not ok, but my reaction to it in whatever way that is is ok.

Obviously this site is an amazing source of support and there are women who absolutely understand what you're going through. The book was a good addition for me because it is easier to take into the bathtub than the laptop.









For your other children, we bought a book on Amazon called "We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead." It's a children's book about loss, and it has really helped my children (ages 5 & 6) begin to wrap their mind around what's happened and why I'm such a nut.

Something else I did that really seems to be helping me is I set up a Yahoo address (e-mail account) for my baby. I *send* him e-mails when I feel especially sad and I know everyone is tired of listening to me. I also send e-mails every Tuesday when I would have progressed to a new week -- today I would be at 27 weeks gestation. Having a place to vent has been helpful, and I've been able to look back over the last several weeks to see where I've been and maybe get a very slight glimpse of where I'm going. A journal would do the same thing, but I prefer being online to writing in a journal.

I would encourage you to embrace your grief. What has happened to you is a nightmare. You still need as much support as you can get. If you have someone to help you with your bigger kids, perhaps do that so you can have a cryfest, screaming session, time to sleep, whatever. Don't try to rush yourself. As you can see, it will do you no good.

Good luck, mommy, and I'm so sorry you have to be here...
Amanda


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

Peace and Healing to you mama and RIP Eleanor.....hugs to you mama!


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## rileysmommy (Dec 11, 2004)

I am so so sorry.
i just haven't enough words.

what a lovely name... Eleanor.

I have had several losses, the longest one at 14 weeks.
my thoughts are with you.


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