# My Mom Left a handprint on my 6-year-old



## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

My youngest, Noah, just came in my room and told me that "Nana hit me". I saw he had a red outline of a hand on his leg. I asked if he wanted anything for it- ice, ointment?- but he said no. He said he didn't want to tell me why she did it. I told him he could tell me and I wasn't mad at him, so he said it was because he was being too loud. (His room is between mine and my mom's.) I told him its not okay for her to do that but that he is okay. And then we had some hugs and talked about what was on tv- a show on rollercoasters. Not to mention that I heard nothing from his room.


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## ma_vie_en_rose (Jun 7, 2008)

UGH! It sounds like your mother has crossed a pretty big parenting boundry. Have you spoken with her about it and made it clear how unacceptable that is?


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## fresh_water (Feb 29, 2008)

Ho-lee crap. I think that would be the last tome Grandma was near my kid, for a very long time. That is wrong on so many levels.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

wow.

i cant even imagine. is it YOUR house or hers? someone would be moving.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

That's really bad.

Does she realize that if there is any mark on your child after 24 hours, in almost every state she is guilty, legally, of child abuse? Maybe telling her so will scare her straight?


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

I just don't know what to do. We live with HER, unfortunately. I didn't know that about the 24 hours....


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## mamamille (Nov 30, 2006)

just make sure your dc knows that she is NOT allowed to hurt him, and tell her she is not allowed to hit/spank/physically punish your children. We lived with my grandparents for a spell when I was a child and though my grandfather was a strict disciplinarian, he was under orders from my mom, and though he tried once, or twice to hit me, I knew that he was not allowed to do it, and therefore felt safe standing up to him.

It's about contol and power, and it should be clear that she is not to bully your children or you will be forced to evaluate your present situation. Abuse is very damaging. And the shame is what hurts the most. Good Luck!


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

what a rock and a hard place you are in.

But your job is to protect your son. Hitting is never ok no matter who does it and who gets hit.

I have no advice but maybe start rethinking the living situation and meanwhile tell your mother she is NOT to ever hit your son again. If she asks you to leave because of that I think she`s being very unreasonable.

more


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

Trust me, we've been over the "power-control" issue she has with who exactly is the parent here on many levels not just this one. I did tell Noah it is not okay and basically I think the kids are doing fine. I'm glad he came straight to me.


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 









what a rock and a hard place you are in.

But your job is to protect your son. Hitting is never ok no matter who does it and who gets hit.

I have no advice but maybe start rethinking the living situation and meanwhile tell your mother she is NOT to ever hit your son again. If she asks you to leave because of that I think she`s being very unreasonable.

more









I've rethought it 15 or 20 times if I've rethought it once! If I told her that, she'd fluff it off or blame me and yes she probably would threaten me.... A couple weeks ago when men were here to install new cable tv, Nataleigh said to one of them about my mom's husband "He's not my real grandpa..." meaning genetic, although she doesn't know that word, and my mom said loudly to everybody in earshot "Who pays for this house and has let you live in it for 5 years?!" (Paraphrasing....) So my kids get lots of lessons from me after these kind of things about how we can be related to someone and not deal with blackmailing or have to love everything about them, etc. Its not easy.


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## tarajean56 (May 2, 2007)

I can't imagine feeling stuck in a home where people were hurting my kids. That must be really difficult.

If this is something that is a continual struggle (even if the hitting doesn't happen regularly), I think you've really got to consider any other living options. Can you get state assistance? Could you find a college student to room with to share rent? Is there any other family that could help out? At the very least, you need to have a very serious conversation with your mother.

You've just got to remember that your mom is leaving a huge impact on your children, and is really playing a part in shaping who they will become. She's doing that through violence and harsh words. I'm sure there are good moments in between, but these incidents are serious.

Good luck with a really tough situation.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamille* 
just make sure your dc knows that she is NOT allowed to hurt him, and tell her she is not allowed to hit/spank/physically punish your children. We lived with my grandparents for a spell when I was a child and though my grandfather was a strict disciplinarian, he was under orders from my mom, and though he tried once, or twice to hit me, I knew that he was not allowed to do it, and therefore felt safe standing up to him.

It's about contol and power, and it should be clear that she is not to bully your children or you will be forced to evaluate your present situation. Abuse is very damaging. And the shame is what hurts the most. Good Luck!











I gotta add that her house or not, hitting is not ok, and I hope that you find strength in knowing it's ok for _you_ to set a boundary... It really is. You will neither die nor lose your roof (unless she's _that_ toxic) by setting a boundary and taking a detour from her parenting. She musn't be allowed to hit your children! What if she lost control of herself and really hurt him?


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

Now I'm having trouble sleeping. I am trying to use my coping techniques I learned with my social worker. I'm bipolar which makes things more difficult. I was trying to fall asleep not long ago but heard a bunch of people shout all at once only to realize they weren't there. I just can't be unwell. I gotta keep it together. Luckily, I have a policy of being upfront with my kids about everything as best as they can understand. That doesn't mean abuse doesn't hurt them, I know. I had an alcoholic father and have had issues even as an adult from it.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Can you take something to help you relax, or listen to some music to help keep your mind off of this til you have had some rest? Be at peace, girl....







:


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

I took benedryl earlier. I'm watching tv. I did read earlier, might go back to it. I'm sure I'll get some sleep at some point. My ex has the kids this weekend- at least they'll be having a good time with him. You've confirmed that this has been a trigger for me for my symptoms though and that's half the battle. What time is it where you are? Its quarter-to-three there's noone in the place except you and me...


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

It's midnight. I'm a voluntary insomniac. The middle of the night is the only time I get to myself.


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

I hear you there..... But it is way past "Time to myself" time now. I have no idea how I'm still awake with benedryl "on board".


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

I am a guided meditation/hypno facilitator... maybe I can offer some ideas... I'll PM you right now.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Hi! Oh, honey I'm so sorry you are having not only a bad situation with your mother, but also a bad night! HUGS and please PM for any support, help or just love that I can offer! I know lots of useless facts!

I think you dealt with the issue, for your children, as best as you can. I would just keep telling them how much YOU love them, and that other people- like grandma are abrasive and difficult to deal with. LOVE them, and they will feel that and grow in that. HUGS again!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

And then you ran into mom's room and smacked her really hard. Right?

Seriously. I cannot even imagine my Mom laying a hand on my child. Even though, she readily slapped us when we were kids. There is a VERY thick line between hitting your own kids in 1973 and hitting your children's kids.


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## H & J's Mom (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yarngoddess* 
I think you dealt with the issue, for your children, as best as you can. I would just keep telling them how much YOU love them, and that other people- like grandma are abrasive and difficult to deal with. LOVE them, and they will feel that and grow in that. HUGS again!

I agree.

I don't want to suggest that it's not a big deal, I would definitely be p!!ssed and have some very strong words/lay down the law for Grandma. I think the way you deal with your kids will have so much more of an impact on your kids than Grandma's treatment will.

Talk, talk, talk to your kids &#8230; I hope your situation improves. Good luck.


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## pinky (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry that happened. That is really awful.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

If you are stuck living with her and can't get out, I vote tell her leaving a mark is considered child abuse in your state and you'd hate to have social workers all up in her business.

Then, she's likely to stick to the verbal abuse.


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## Kinguk (Jun 26, 2008)

Oh my there are just so many factors here. I really feel for you.
With me, my father 'ruled with an iron fist' as they say. We got spanked 24/7...he'd just have to be in a bad mood and we knew there was a spanking coming. It was a very frightening environment to grow up in. My sister and I are in counselling now dealing with issues surrounding my dad. Turns out we actually show signs of a child who has grown up with physical abuse! I always thought these spankings were normal...everyone got spanking back then!
Anyways, where am I going with this? I have the first grandchild; she's 11 months old now. I don't trust him with her. I have to see with my own eyes that he can handle discipline in a non-abusive manner before I will leave her with him. He has to earn my trust. Period.
Growing up in an environment where you're punished for having a voice sure makes it hard to use that voice later on when you need it. But, I am the parent now and yes, it is hard to stand up to someone who has always had such control over you. But, now I am her mother and I make myself stand up for her, no matter how difficult. To me, I don't give myself a choice, it's just something I have to do. I just suck it up and blurt out the words, "_____ is not to be spanked."
I stand up for her, rather than for his feelings. He knows that if he is with her and a situation gets too stressful for him, he is to call me, her dad, or another relative to come deal with it.
I think how you are handling each situation by talking with your children is awesome. You're in an uncomfortable, scary situation. Hopefully you can find the courage to let your mom know, but more importantly, _show_ her that you are the parent and your children do not receive harsh discipline. Good luck with this challenge...


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

How long more do you have to live in that dreadful environment?


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