# Does anyone else's child fake getting hurt for attention?



## kblackstone444

Does anyone else here have a child who fakes getting hurt for attention? First of all, I want to put out, before anyone mentions it, my little girl does not have any sensory issues- she's really faking. At least 10 times a day, my little girl will bump on something, say, the side of the couch, or close a book (softly) on her finger or something like that and say, "Ouch". If we don't immediately respond, she'll say it again and again and again and again and again... If we're not in the room, she'll come out and tell one of us, "I bumped my arm." At first we catered to it- oh, are you okay? Let me see... Now we're sick of it, so we'll ask, are you bleeding, are you bruised, is there a mark, etc., with all answers being, no. The tone is like we're deducting the facts, not like "oh, poor baby, are you okay? If she comes out and tells me and doesn't get the desired response, she will go to Daddy, and then to Grampa and then to my son, until someone babies her about it. The other night, I was clipping her fingernails. She likes them kinda long, so I cut them only as much as neccesary. I cut one "too short" (not too short at all- you could still see the white tip all the way around) and she starts with the whine, "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa". I ask the usual... is it bleeding, is it bruised, does it even hurt? All answers are, no. Still, the whine, so I tell her to stop and we finish her bath. We get outside the bathroom and she goes through the whole, "I'm hurt" routine with Daddy. He doesn't fall for it, so she sits on the couch while I'm blowdrying her hair, keeps repeatedly looking at that fingernail and sighing these deep, "tortured soul" sighs. It's almost bedtime and she's thirsty, so she asks for a glass of water, which we give her. She makes a big deal about her "hurt" hand, which we ignore. When she thinks we're not looking, she's holding the cup normally, but as soon as she notices us looking back at her, she's holding the cup all crippled hand-like. Until bedtime, she goes on looking to see if we're looking and then looking at her fingernail and sighing and such. I finally had a bad Stepmommy moment and told her, "Knock it off and stop faking. You know you're not hurt, you even said it didn't hurt, so just *STOP*."









This kind of thing has been happening very often lately. It mostly happens if her brother is getting some (any) attentiong or if me or her Dad sit down to do anything besides play with her for a minute, anything that's not giving her 100% attention. Even when her "injuries" don't work, if we're busy doing something (dishes, on the phone, laundry, checking email), she *HAS* to be there talking to us and getgin a response. If I say, "Hold on a minute, let me finish reading something. I need you to let me concentrate on something.", she will hover and talk the entire time, getting louder and louder or injured and more injured the entire time. My Husband has sleep issues- no matter what time he goes to bed, his body alarm wakes him no later than 6:30, usually closer to 5:30. If my Husband's taking a nap and I'm not giving Katherine attention, even if I tell her she needs to leave Daddy alone for an hour, she will go in and wake him up and start talking to him or "get hurt" while walking through our bedroom, so that he wakes up to see if she's okay.

I think part of this has been, Katherine has always been very clumsy and in the beginning, she probably got the desired results when she fell down or tripped, but 99% of the time, there's no injury at all and I suspect she's been purposely falling down and such when she knows we're watching. She's always been such a social butterfly. She lives sometimes with her Mother and maternal Grandfather, who give her constant attention and her younger years with her Dad, before my son and I came into the picture, she was outright spoiled with attention- Daddy's visitation mostly consisted of one or the other giving her 100% attention for 100% of the time while the other one took 100 pictures (digital film- her baby books are scary). Now that she's older (seven), and has a brother as well, she doesn't get 100% attention 100% of the time, but she still expects it and will go to any lengths to get it- getting hurt, being annoying, pouting or crying and refusing to tell us why, telling us what a good girl she is when her brother's in the middle of getting in trouble and how *SHE'D* never do anything like that, etc. She cannot seem to handle being alone for any ammount of time, except when she's sleeping. She will often want someone (me or Daddy) to go into the bathroom with her while she goes potty. (I won't anymore, Daddy caves once in a while before bedtime. He worries because she "can't" open our bathroom door. Funny- she can when she actually turns the doorknob, but she appears stuck when she just pulls and pushes on the door yelling, "Daddy, help!".) She's driving me crazy! Is this normal? Is this even healthy, for her or for my son, who gets pushed to the side so we can go to her aid? What can we do about it? I love her like crazy, but I don't want her to turn into a complete Drama Queen (which, by the way, is her Mother's nickname for her, which probably doesn't help at all). I don't want her to grow up to be a "helpless female". That's just setting her up for all kinds of hurting when she's older.


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## Potty Diva

No, but my dog does.

If she gets scolded for chasing the cats, she stops, turns toward me and LIMPS over to get a love.


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## Potty Diva

Ok, I read your post and see this is really stressing for you and I am sure for the rest of the family. I don;t have any solid advice, but want to throw some thoughts out for you.

1) she wasn't born like this, the adults in her life have taught her what works and doesn't work for getting attention.

2)consistency is the key.

3)spending REAL alone time with her is important, without siblings.

4)everyone being on the same page (consistency is important) and this includes mom and granny too.

Hugs to you sweet mama.


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## Rockies5

I agree with the list pottymama put up.

My oldest daughter...her legs "break" everything she's asked to do something she doen't want to do ie> go finish your homework..it's bedtime..no you can't have another thing to eat before bed

Being consistant is harder then it sounds. It's been 4 months of her bodily dragging herself through the house. Takes an hour of huffing and puffing to get from the LR to the stairs and she moans like a moose in heat. It's god-awful but she's still getting the attention durring that period since it's all such an obnoxious show and you almost can't help staring or trying to help or wondering aloud if she's really OK.

I should get her crutches.

oh and she'll throw herself down the stairs and then blame me.







Happens almost every night, but I'm not the one choosing to go legless. she a 9yo GIANT. I'd carry her if I could but she's already my height.


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## Rockies5

Kris I just re-read your post. It all sounds very familiar to me and I don't have a stepdaughter.

If she's already a "drama queen" maybe load on some quality time or praise when she isn't doing this?

my dd is very quick and funny and knows we know she's a ham. I will put my arms around her and say something I know she'll laugh at about the situation like "Boy, it's weird how having to carry your folded laundry to your room causes paralysis. Maybe we should call the JAMA in cause other people are suffering from this. if only their MOMS would carry their laundry. then they could play soccer again"


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## Iris' Mom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Ok, I read your post and see this is really stressing for you and I am sure for the rest of the family. I don;t have any solid advice, but want to throw some thoughts out for you.

1) she wasn't born like this, the adults in her life have taught her what works and doesn't work for getting attention.

2)consistency is the key.

3)spending REAL alone time with her is important, without siblings.

4)everyone being on the same page (consistency is important) and this includes mom and granny too.

Hugs to you sweet mama.

Yes, good advice. My 6 yo will do this occasionally. He won't fake the accident, but if he trips or something, sometimes he'll act like he just broke his spine. I can tell he's just in need of some attention. Since he doesn't do it often, I usually give him a big hug, and tell him if it still hurts in the morning, I'll take him to the doctor. If he did it all the time, I'd be pretty darn frustrated.


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## j924

Is it as bad if you respond with attention in the beginning? Some kids need more attention than others and if she has equated attention with love it is very hard for her to just stop it. I'd suggest responding to each ache and pain quickly and matter of factly and then send her on her way. With the finger when it was cut too short a quick hug, kiss, apology for the mistake and then send her for the water or to put her clothes in the hamper. We've tried to do this with our second dd(8) who has a overreaction to all of her many catatrophes. It doesn't fix the problem, but it seems to lessen the time we are listemimg to the pain.


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## Potty Diva

I think the best advice here so far is to praise and give her attention when she is not demanding it AND consistency is so much harder done than said. We work on this daily. Our 6 year old is hyper sensitive to change and demands things, when she doesn't get them she freaks. We remain calms and it nearly kills us, but (only in our situation) we know we have taught her how to respond to us and what works in our relationship with her. Sometimes it just makes me want to give up and scream.

On the run, but will come back and share more of our crazy story.


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## kblackstone444

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Ok, I read your post and see this is really stressing for you and I am sure for the rest of the family. I don;t have any solid advice, but want to throw some thoughts out for you.

1) she wasn't born like this, the adults in her life have taught her what works and doesn't work for getting attention.

2)consistency is the key.

3)spending REAL alone time with her is important, without siblings.

4)everyone being on the same page (consistency is important) and this includes mom and granny too.

Hugs to you sweet mama.

I've got to work around the fact that her Mother is proud that she's like that, "You're a real girly girl, just like me." and I suspect it's greatly encouraged. She has a hard enough time staying on the same page (or even in the same book!) as me and my Hubby.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rockies5* 
If she's already a "drama queen" maybe load on some quality time or praise when she isn't doing this?

That was kind of my point- my children, especially my stepdaughter, gets more attention and quality time than any other child I've ever known. Literally constant adult/child attention. When she's faking as well as when we're just bonding. How much more can we give her? One of my main concerns is that she just is not happy unless she has *CONSTANT* attention. She gets plenty of quality time and praise when she's not "hurt", and like I said before, sometimes my son gets left aside because we're so busy dealing with my stepdaughter's needs for attention. I'm really at a loss of what else I can do.


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## Marcee

My little sister was like that when she was young. She was the baby of the family and acted like it for many years. She fell once at a company picinc a got a very tiny srap on her knee. She screamed so loud you would have thought that she had broke both her arms and legs. My parents were humiliated. Also once she bumped her head on the couch while fighting with our brother and she started screaming that she was blind....( we laugh about this now)

Good news is that she grew out of it. Of course she was well into teenhood...but she did grow out of it.


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## sunnmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
One of my main concerns is that she just is not happy unless she has *CONSTANT* attention. She gets plenty of quality time and praise when she's not "hurt", and like I said before, sometimes my son gets left aside because we're so busy dealing with my stepdaughter's needs for attention. I'm really at a loss of what else I can do.

I hear you on this. My dd has regressed after a recent move, and is acting similarly. She is like a cup with a leak...she never gets filled up, no matter how much attention she gets. She will often toss herself on the floor and act like she is hurt when I am trying to nurse the baby









One strategy we use is the "crying wolf" story. She knows this story, but you could introduce it if your dd doesn't already know it. So now, when dd does thing intentional-fall-act-like-i'm-dying, I just say "stop crying wolf. I won't know when you are really hurt." You can say it playfully, and it gets the message across.


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## Smokering

I think it's pretty common--I teacher-aided at a kindergarten once and it happened a lot, mostly with the little girls. D used to do it too--he's autistic and has a very high pain threshold, so he can fall off playgrounds and not care a mite. But if he was grumpy and tired during a therapy session, or if he was getting lots of answers wrong, he'd start saying 'Ow' randomly or saying 'My tummy hurts'. And if he didn't want to eat his dinner, it was always 'My heart hurts! I can't eat!' I never quite figured that last one out... but funnily enough, it never seemed to happen when he was eating his favourite meals.


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## hippymomma69

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
How much more can we give her? One of my main concerns is that she just is not happy unless she has *CONSTANT* attention. She gets plenty of quality time and praise when she's not "hurt", and like I said before, sometimes my son gets left aside because we're so busy dealing with my stepdaughter's needs for attention. I'm really at a loss of what else I can do.

Well I don't know if this helps but you might check out the book "the five love languages of children"....one of the ideas in it is that if we are not speaking our loved ones "language" then they won't get their love tank filled up and will be left wanting....

So even though you might be giving her what you think of as quality time, maybe what she wants are words of affirmation - praise, noticing things she's doing right, etc. - or maybe special gifts - or maybe more physical touch...

It just sounds like maybe there is a disconnect between what you think you are giving her and what she is needing...so I'd suggest that book and see if it helps...you can even talk about it with her and ASK her what she thinks she needs (after you explain the concept to her)...

hth....
peace,
robyn


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## mothragirl

we play it up when dd does this. "OH NO!!! are you hurt??? poor baby" and wrap her in a blanket and give her a million kisses. we get really silly with it so she knows that we're playing along with a game.


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## kblackstone444

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smokering* 
I think it's pretty common--I teacher-aided at a kindergarten once and it happened a lot, mostly with the little girls. D used to do it too--he's autistic and has a very high pain threshold, so he can fall off playgrounds and not care a mite. But if he was grumpy and tired during a therapy session, or if he was getting lots of answers wrong, he'd start saying 'Ow' randomly or saying 'My tummy hurts'. And if he didn't want to eat his dinner, it was always 'My heart hurts! I can't eat!' I never quite figured that last one out... but funnily enough, it never seemed to happen when he was eating his favourite meals.









That's something else that might have played a part in it- my son has Asperger's, which the short , if not completely accurate, explanation would be to say, it's a very mild kind of Autism, and he's always been a bit like this, but we don't give him the attention to make it worthwhile for her to copy. When we "give in", he does it worse, so we don't give him any leeway and it's mostly stopped. That doesn't work with her. (And I'm positive she doesn't have any kind of Autism or Asperger's or anything else on the spectrum, which is a good thing because her other parents would never believe it if she did.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippymomma69* 
Well I don't know if this helps but you might check out the book "the five love languages of children"....one of the ideas in it is that if we are not speaking our loved ones "language" then they won't get their love tank filled up and will be left wanting....

So even though you might be giving her what you think of as quality time, maybe what she wants are words of affirmation - praise, noticing things she's doing right, etc. - or maybe special gifts - or maybe more physical touch...

It just sounds like maybe there is a disconnect between what you think you are giving her and what she is needing...so I'd suggest that book and see if it helps...you can even talk about it with her and ASK her what she thinks she needs (after you explain the concept to her)...

hth....
peace,
robyn

That's a good idea. Thanks. I have to go to the library anyways this weekend, I'm gonna go on the library's website right now and reserve that book.


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