# My loss story



## varaonaid (Jul 20, 2006)

I don't even know how to start. Everything seems so muddled.

I found out I was pg last May. Our baby was conceived in April and it was literally a dream come true. We had had three very early miscarriages previously so we were apprehensive but thrilled as DH and I really, really want children. This was our miracle.

We don't have health insurance and as with most people, funds are limited. We're rather crunchy and felt that we wanted limited intervention anyway so our first prenatal appt was at about 18 weeks. We went with someone who was highly recommended but it turned out to be an absolutely horrible experience. She did a pap and I spotting for almost 2 weeks. She dropped the speculum on the floor and simply rinsed it off in the sink. When she couldn't find any paper towels to dry her hands before the pelvic exam she used a rag she found on a shelf. Her demeanor was cold and unfeeling and she offered no answers to many of our questions.

Needless to say, we didn't return to her and felt our reasoning for limited intervention justified. We opted not to have an ultrasound. We couldn't justify the expense for what it would provide. People for centuries haven't had them and I know there is some speculation as to their safety for the baby. The pregnancy was progressing normally so we felt good with the decision.

My due date was Jan 14th. I've taken excellent care of myself for the past few months, checking BP regularly, eating well, taking vitamins etc. My belly size increased normally, I developed stretch marks on my hips and breasts, and my breast have been leaking colostrum. I've been dealing with the normal aches and pains of pregnancy but overall have felt blessed with a good experience. I went this week to meet with the midwife who would deliver our little miracle. I had been a little worried because I hadn't felt as much movement the past could of months as I expected but I was told by family and friends that some people don't much depending on the position of the baby, the placement of the placenta etc. She did a bedside ultrasound and as I awaited the first glimpse of our little one, I was horrified to see, nothing. There wasn't anything there, just the background pattern of the ultrasound. She looked puzzled and worried and checked my abdomen. She told me where was nothing there. They wanted to do a blood test which I didn't understand. In a daze and choking back tears, my DH and I walked to to lab where they drew blood. We drove around town crying for an hour while we waited on the results. Back in the office, they told us that we had suffered, what they term, a "missed abortion". They said it was most likely in the middle of the second trimester and unlike a regular miscarriage, the fetus and placenta aren't expelled. When this happens, they say that your body sort of encapsulates the fetus and placenta and dissolves them. The problem is, your body doesn't realize that you've lost the baby and the "pregnancy" can continue, in a manner of speaking. So that explains the weight gain, belly gain, stretch marks, breasts leaking, etc. But it's just such a shock. We were told that additional prenatal care wouldn't have made any difference on the outcome of the pregnancy, the most it could have done was let us know sooner what had happened. But the guilt is still there.

Our friends and family have been extremely supportive and are devastated themselves. But this has hit us like a ton of bricks. I've spent literally hundreds of hours reading, learning, and sewing most of the baby items myself - diapers, blankets, burp cloths, dipe doublers, wetbags, wipes, babylegs, even a German Style babywrap. One person suggested that we have a memorial service. At first, we were opposed to the idea but in the end we decided it would be a good thing to do. Several close friends will attend and we felt it would be easier for us all to go through it together rather than explaining to folks one by one. Plus, people are wanting to help and it gives them an outlet as well.

I just realized today, that the memorial service will be, to the day, on our due date. This isn't how I pictured spending the time that should have been the birth of our first child. Everything seems to trigger into the hurt. I can't seem to go anywhere or do anything to escape it. Yesterday, we went to our favorite co-op store just to try to take our minds off of it and, lo and behold, there's a new mom's group meeting in the cafe with all their little ones wrapped in slings and carriers, breastfeeding. I just walked around crying most of the day.

One of the hardest parts is looking at my body. I have a round belly that's empty and stretch marks for no reason. I had so looked forward to breastfeeding my child and never worried about the weight gain knowing that it would be nourishing for my baby both before birth and for nursing. Now I'm stuck in between with a body that thinks it's pregnant but isn't.

It just hurts. I have no baby to hold, never got to see it's little face. I almost feel like a cannibal knowing that my body somehow dissolved my precious little one. It's a rare occurrence to have happen and I don't understand why it happened to us. I try to remember that there are people much worse off in the world with harder things going on in their lives, but it's hard not to be angry and wonder "why me". Sometimes I think maybe I'm doing a little better then the tears roll back in.

Sorry to just vent. I hope that maybe telling my story will help others somehow and maybe, help me to process what's happened. Life can be so unfair and tragic sometimes. It's good to have others to help share your burden.


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry you lost your little one. You will find a lot of support and love from the mother's here who also have empty arms.


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## angela dawn (Sep 25, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family.


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## tiffany21074 (Jan 22, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss.


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I am so sorry. I hope you find some comfort here on the board. It is so sad that we have all suffered these tragedies, but I am glad we have each other to get us through.


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## sleepnrain (May 20, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find lots of support in all communities you're a part of.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I am so sorry, mama. It is so shocking and so sudden to lose a baby like this and not know it. My experience was somewhat different but I too found out suddenly that there she was gone and I understand your muddled feeling. It almost seems surreal sometimes, like a bad bad dream. It hurts so badly and it is so unfair. No one should have to bear something like losing a child they have been hoping and waiting for. Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad that you have friends and family to support you and we are here at MDC if you need friends who have been there.







to you.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I am so sorry.







My thoughts and prayers are with you as you grieve the baby you longed for. Our bodies can be so cruel sometimes and I'm so sorry you have had to experience this profound loss. When you feel up to it, there is another mama here (citizenfong) who's story and yours are very similar. I find comfort in numbers and hope you find comfort in this forum.

Take care of yourself, mama.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

s I am so very sorry. You will find alot of support here. You are not alone.







s


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

So very very sorry for your loss, mama!!! Lighting a candle for your sweet baby!!!


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## ipfree (Oct 4, 2006)

I cry with you. For the loss of your sweet baby and for all the confusion you must be feeling. May you find comfort and peace.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)




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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I'm so sorry about what has happened to you. I was due also around the same time that you were, January 15th. I lost my baby at 19 weeks so I do understand how hard the next few days are going to be for you. Good luck and lots of hugs to you.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

So sorry. So, so sorry for your pain right now.

You are not alone. We are here for you, as well as your IRL friends and family.

Take care.


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## mercyrus (May 16, 2006)

Words can not express...but, I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you need us, we're there for you.


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a heart wrenching experience! I'm crying for you right now. Be good to yourself. We're here for you.


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## Fiddlemom (Oct 22, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that the memorial service was what you wanted. Please take care of yourself and allow others to take care of you.







s you and your family will be in my thoughts.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry not only for your loss, but for your confusion, feeling of betrayal by your body, and the guilt you expressed in your post. The grief is so fresh right now. Claim your rights as a grieving mother. I am so glad you had a memorial service, closure is so important. Grief comes in waves and at first the waves come fast and furious. Over time, they are less frequent and gentler. We are here for you to work out your feelings, cry on our shoulders and celebrate your small victories as you learn to live with the hole in your life where your child should be.
With respect,
Gossamer


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## Nettie (May 26, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.







I can't imagine the shock you must feel. I know you're walking through a very difficult time right now. We're here for you.


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## Mama_Michelle (Mar 15, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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