# Daughter is blackmailing me



## This_user_has_a_name (Mar 3, 2019)

I have a very big problem and I don't know what to do. I feel like I've really screwed up.

My husband is in the military and is currently dispatched overseas. I feel very bad to admit, but I've cheated on him. There is this one guy I know from the gym and with my husband away I invited him over. We had both been drinking and before I realized we went too far. I mean really too far. I feel very bad that I did this, it should never have happened, but it did. Blame it on the alcohol, but I should have known better.

Now if that were all, but my daughter who I thought was asleep has caught us in the act and has filmed us with her cellphone. Now she's blackmailing me with it. Threatens to send it to my husband if I don't give her what she wants. So far her demands have been quite soft, a raise of pocket money and permission to stay out later. That's not the worst of it, but where will it end? I cannot control her anymore. A mother should have control over her children, not the other way around.

Obviously I cannot have her tell my husband about it, let alone let him see that film. That would be the end of our relationship. I love my husband very much and I cannot imagine my life without him. I feel so bad that I cheated on him. If he ever finds out I have to admit, I cannot lie to him. But I just don't want him to find out. That means I have to give in to whatever my daughter wants.

Please, any word of advice.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

This is a very sad situation and I am sorry you are in it. 

If I were in your situation I would immediately tell my husband. Your relationship with your daughter does sound pretty strained; the fact that she is doing the blackmail thing points to some pre-existing problems there that this has exacerbated. I am fairly certain that she will tell him. You need to be the strong one first. Tell her you are going to. Tell her she can't hold this over your head any longer because you are going to be "the grown up" and hold yourself accountable for a grievous mistake. Telling yourself that it is 'just the alcohol' is not truthful to yourself, the other person, or your daughter. Modeling that it is 'just the alcohol' is not a good message for your daughter either in terms of accountability. You have an opportunity to model a huge number of grown up behaviors in the next week. Just by doing that, and not hiding anymore, you will almost certainly shift the relationship with your daughter. It will be hard, but it is the adult thing to do.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I agree with Lauren. Telling your husband immediately solves the blackmailing problem because she has nothing to blackmail you with. And, as Lauren says, models much healthier behaviours. 

However, while it solves the blackmail problem it doesn’t address all the other problems you have with your daughter and husband. I would therefore suggest counselling as soon as possible for yourself and your daughter both together and individually. If your husband is willing to attend when he gets home then I would highly recommend that too but that will be up to him. 

I also agree with Lauren that you need to stop using the alcohol as an excuse. You made the choice to drink alcohol in the company of a man who wasn’t your husband. You need to own that. And I say that gently as someone who has made bad choices too. I am not condemning but the road ahead will be easier if you can remove some of the more obvious stumbling blocks. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

I would tell my husband. Is he home anytime soon? It is preferable to do it face to face. If he isn't, I might tell him over the phone  Better to hear from you than from his child. She will tell if you don't - either because you refuse to meet her blackmail demands, or when she gets angry with you over something (which is bound to happen) or just because she thinks dad has the right to know (this may very well be the case, but she should not be the messenger)

I would confiscate her phone. She clearly cannnot be responsible with it. I might do this after I told hubby. I would also give her a firm talking to on how you will not be blackmailed by your own child. 

I hope you and Dh do not separate over this - and if you do, you need to be clear to her that you split due to adult issues (including cheating) and not due to her ill advised attempt to blackmail you. She may feel guilty and like the break was her fault (as she did force your hand). What a mess. Counselling may very well be in order.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Does your dd think that you being separated from her dad would be a good thing? Has she thought through the long term consequences of what she is threatening?

You could tell her that you are going to tell your dh what happened and that may lead to your relationship breaking and not being fixable as you don't know how he will react. Don't do this in an attempt to blackmail her back but just to make her aware that this may work out badly for her and you.

Then you have to tell your dh or this will be something that you will have to hide forever and she will always have over you.


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## Otha_Heally (Mar 19, 2019)

I think you should tell your husband and should see his reaction. You should say to him that it happened mistakenly. If he loves you a lot, he will definitely try to protect this relationship. Otherwise, you would respect his decision. Leave the decision in the hands of the husband instead of your daughter. Be brave and live an actual life. My wishes are with you.


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## Nikki212 (Mar 18, 2021)

You’re going to have to tell him. There’s just no way around it now. She’s going to keep asking for more and more and a later curfew etc could jeopardize her safety depending on the crowd and other things. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Let him know it absolutely would have never happened if there were no alcohol involved. But you need to tell him also your daughter’s behavior because it’s not right at all either.


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## Kanypony (2 mo ago)

A difficult situation. I think you should be the first to tell your husband about it, because in any case, either your daughter will tell him or he will accidentally find out. Talk to your daughter, explain why this happened and ask what she is trying to achieve with her blackmail. Stop blaming alcohol for everything, I agree that he pushed you to do it, but still you decided to drink it in the company of another man. I understand that now you just want to " get rid of blackmailers ", but it's better to solve this problem rather than hide it from your husband. My sister had a similar situation, she also cheated on her husband, but she confessed everything, they talked and peacefully resolved everything. I think you should do the same.


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