# I recently had a full-term stillbirth



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Hi,

I'm new here, although I've been lurking for a while.
On June 14th, at 38 wks, I went into labor with my
fourth child; unfortunately, no one knew the umbilical cord
had, at some point, become wrapped around his legs,
and he died from lack of oxygen before he was born.
J.T. was 6 lbs., 10 oz., with a beautiful head of auburn hair.
His birth and loss is the hardest, saddest thing I've ever
been through. We miss him so much every day, but talking
about him helps, and sharing his pictures.
I know nothing we can do or say can change what IS . . .
so I am trying very hard to turn some of my grieving
anger and energy towards moving forward and positive things.
Does that make any sense to people who have gone through
the same thing?
What are some things you did that helped ease the pain?

Since then, I've read everything I can get my hands on
about stillbirth and particularly umbilical cord accidents.
It does not seem to be a well-researched/written about subject.
I question why more third-trimester testing isn't done for
"low risk" women 35+ if not simply for "advanced maternal age"
which in itself puts a woman more at risk for stillbirth. (I'll be
38 in September.)
I just keep thinking if only I had had a non-stress test or another
ultrasound done in the last couple weeks, the cord problem
might have come to light.
Also in my reading, I came across some symptoms -- which I
had experienced, but thought nothing of -- which may have
been indicative that the baby was experiencing oxygenation
problems. Namely, during the last week, he was very active
in the middle of the night, waking me from a sound sleep and
he also had hiccups for extended periods of time, a few times
a day.
Of course, as they say, hindsight is 20-20 . . . I just wish I
had read more/knew more about stillbirth, the risks, etc.
a couple months ago.
Genetic testing and the increasing risk for anomalies with increasing
maternal age is discussed frequently/openly with Moms 35+, we're
given all sorts of written information --
but stillbirth seems like it's a dirty word.
I never even knew what the statistics were until it happened to us.
My family doctor never once mentioned it at any OB visit with
my son, or my daughter before him, (who, thankfully, was born
healthy and screaming on my 36th birthday.)
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.
My thoughts are with all women and their partners out there
who have had to go through this before me.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i am so very sorry for your loss.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Just wanted to offer a







As a mother whose lost, I **** don't know what to say when a mom announces her loss. I'm so sorry. Jt sounded so sweet and beautiful..I'm sure he was a gorgeous little boy.
Will be thinking of you and your family.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I am so sorry!


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## Finding Serenity (Aug 10, 2005)

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry this happened.


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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bluewatergirl* 
I know nothing we can do or say can change what IS . . .
so I am trying very hard to turn some of my grieving
anger and energy towards moving forward and positive things.
Does that make any sense to people who have gone through
the same thing?
What are some things you did that helped ease the pain?

I am so very sorry about the loss of your little boy.









You said that you have pictures of J.T. and that is wonderful. The pictures we took have really helped me a lot. I look at them and cry a little each day. I am so very grateful that I sent my dp home for our camera before Calliope's birth. I love her pictures









I'm right there with you on the need to put my energy into positive things. I seem to have mostly concentrated on doing crafty stuff (yarn things and also a bunch of stuff for my sis' bridal shower I am throwing her in a couple weeks) and getting back on track with the way I used to be in terms of health and exercise. You do whatever is going to make you feel positive!

As far as easing the pain, the only thing that has worked for me is hugging my other little girl. I try to enjoy her as much as I can.

Hugs to you momma


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little one!!!!

There is little to ease the pain. I do know that the support of the women here on this board has helped me through unimaginable dark times, and I hope that you find the support you need here as well. Time helps. It sounds so cliche, but it is true. Each day the wounds are a little less raw, less exposed. Eventually the grief is like a welcome friend, comforting in it's familiarity. There really is no moving past or moving on. Moving forward takes time, figuring out how to carry your old friend grief along and still live the life ahead of you . . .

Take care. Wishing for you peace.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

I lost a twin 3 hours after birth. There is just a time in the process where you want answers. Why did it happen? Did I cause, did someone cause, could I have made the outcome different? And the answer is almost always an unsatisfying no. Babies get tangled in cords and have no problems coming out. But, others for no rhyme or reason do have problems or go still. More testing would not have necessarily caught this. Usually its a combination of the stress of contractions and the progress of labor, combined with cord issues that begins to show up in decelerations of the heartbeat. If your description of the baby's behavior that were "symptoms" were all signs of trouble then I too have had trouble every time (for the record my baby died of mosaic tetrasomy 12P, not cord stuff), but cord issues never presented for any of my five children.

I was with a mama in labor where all was well (I was monitoring regularly) until the baby moved down in the pelvis. All of a sudden the heart tones totally tanked (we were at a homebirth) and we did a quick transport and cesarean. This mother had had non-stress test and biophysical profile done two days earlier and there was NO indication of a problem with the cord or the baby. But, after the emergency cesarean the midwife came out and told me the baby had a triple wrapped cord around her neck.

I just don't think there is rhyme or reason for most loss and that it is in our natures to want to wrap it up in a box where we can understand it. It took me a while to stop trying to find reasons for my sick baby who died (didn't eat as good this pregnancy, lived near an industrial park-even called the EPA to check...). Now I am two years away from it and I have made my peace with never knowing why this rare thing happened to me.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find whatever online or IRL support you need as you begin to heal. Healing comes and goes in waves so don't be surprised when you feel you are doing better and then black days arrive again. It will never be "gone" but it will stop aching as much minute to minute. Peace be with you and your family.


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## crystaldawn (May 6, 2007)

I too am very sorry to hear about your loss







My thoughts are with you and your family!


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry you know this pain. It is the WORST ever. But somehow we end up surviving. Know you are not alone. There are so many questions & never enough answers. I agree, more research is needed. There are more stillborn babies every year than SIDS babies. Sadly, we never hear that do we????
My heart breaks every time, I hear of another baby born silently. Peace to you Mama, as you heal.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss.
I can really identify with your feeling that if you had had a non-stress test or another ultrasound everything might have been fine.
My baby died a few days before my due date of a massive fetal-maternal hemorrhage. I know intellectually that it likely happened so fast that there's no way we could have saved her but I still feel so guilty that I didn't know she was in trouble. I wish so much that I'd gone to the hospital for a non-stress test instead of just having the midwife listen to the heart beat when I was worried she was moving less.
But we have to remember that we made the best decisions we could at the time and that we would never have done anything to hurt our babies.
You asked what helps to ease the pain. Honestly, I think the only way to feel better is to take the time to grieve. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Megan


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

and I had a stillbirth in April, at 30.5 weeks. I don't think an NST could have prevented this. It is a double whammy for me, since my first baby died in 1998, a SIDS death. I have 1 amazing, lovely 6 year old.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I feel and understand your pain.

I had a totally unexpected full term still birth at 40 w 2 d. I went to the birth center in labor, just to find no HB and confirmed by an US.

I think one of the things that helped me get through this was that I decided to pump and donate my breastmilk for several months after our daughter's birth. At points it became obessive to me, and then I found out I was pregnant. My EDD is the same day we lost our daughter...but exactly a year later.

I figured that out of my senseless tragedy I could potentially save another or several other child(ren)'s life, with the food that my daughter should have been nurished by.

This subsequent pregnancy has been very hard emotionally on all my family, not just me.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry







s

Lisa


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## Whittliz (Oct 5, 2006)

I'm very sorry for your loss.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Just wanted to drop in and say how sorry I am about your son, J.T. My son also had died of a somewhat cord accident. Hope you are doing as well as possible...

Mary


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I also wanted to say how sorry I am. My daughter dies of a cord accident at around 29w. It twisted at least 2x right above her belly button. A an aside, I was an extrememy high risk pg, with extra monitoring, the works, because I had had severe early onset PE in my first pg (and went on the develop it with her as well). I am convinced that no amount of monitoring could have caught this, barring ultrasound 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And then, it is still something that may or may not have shown up, according to the research that I had done. The type of cord twist that we experienced is 99%fatal, not always visible on ultrasound even if it is occuring during the scan, and the 1% that somehow survive all ened up in a pesistant vegetative state for life. I really do understand the need to find answers, assign blame, take away the randomness--_have control_ in an _out of control situation_. Discovering that there was nothing that could have helped made me feel better in may ways, but increased my general anger at the universe--why me?

What I found helpful was similar to what you mentioned, I tried to turn around my grief and anger for good. I also refinished furniture, by hand!, with my husband. Hard, physical work was a good way to get out frustrations, and the repetitive nature was soothing. I also took to pampering myself, and reindentifying with the woman side of me, as opposed to the mother and wife sides, as somewere along the way, I discovered that I hated that part of woman in me, and blamed her, if that makes sense (as in, if I were a _real woman_, I could carry my babies healthily to to term). I started coloring my hair, which I had avoided while pg and nursing (I was tandem nursing through and after my pg). I occasionally indulged in foods/drinks that I typically avoided during pg and nursing. I bought and wore new clothes that played up my sexuality, instead of practical Mom clothes. I needed to establish an identity with myself of a woman, independant of being Mom, and I needed to discover who I was now.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Please share pictures if would like to.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am so sorry about your son. Please do share pictures if you feel lead.














:


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my post
with words of support and with stories of your own losses to share.
It really helps to be able to tell J.T.'s story,
especially to others who have experienced similar loss.
Sometimes in "real life" it can feel as though the
world is sort of just continuing on as usual, when
mine has turned upside down . . . and most people,
no matter how well-intentioned or kindhearted,
just do not understand.

I am going to be off-line for a few days, because our
family is moving, but I will be back soon.

I am going to post a couple links to pictures of J.T.
(I hope it works!)

http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w...l_photos/J.jpg
http://i172.photobucket.com/albums/w..._phots/J-1.jpg

Em


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Only the first link worked for me, but he is beautiful! Thank you for sharing him with us.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

I'm so sorry that this happened.









In terms of doing something positive-- I've started thinking if I can do SOMEthing to get people more aware that, yes, this DOES happen--- that somehow it will make a difference and bring more awareness. My son died after birth- but it still has me so bothered that not a lot of information on the PABL subject it out there- statistics, etc. It just bugs me. I'm still trying to come up with ideas for awareness.


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## LilahsMama (Mar 16, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## angela dawn (Sep 25, 2006)

Hi Em,

Its just not fair....

I am so so sorry for your loss. I too had a full term loss last year in 2006. We are not sure why she passed, no obvious signs as to why. I had only one ultrasound. I too wish they would give the option of having more ultrasounds later in pregnancies perhaps one day it will be policy to do so? one can wish I guess.

I hope that you find some peace in your family and be gentle with yourself. JT is absolutely beautiful and perfect.....thank you for sharing his story and pics with us.


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## mum5 (Apr 10, 2004)

thnak you all for sharing your stories.
I am so sorry for your losses







:


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

His hair is amazing!! Someone has to have red hair in your family. He is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing your picture of J.T.


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## rebyell (Mar 14, 2006)

Sorry for your loss, what a beautiful little boy. He looks very peaceful.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rebyell* 
He looks very peaceful.

That's exactly what I thought. Thanks for sharing his picture - he is beautiful. I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## ladybug13 (Oct 29, 2005)

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I looked at the two pictures of your darling son and he is just breathtaking. It's just all so wrong and unfair. I know. I lost my daughter full term in 2002 due to meconium aspiration caused by a blood clotting problem I have. We had her for 2 days before removing her from life support.

I hate to give you the old cliche but time has surely helped me heal. I will never be able to say I am the same person I was before, but I definitely have come to a place in my life where I am not completely defined by my loss anymore. I am happy and feel positive about life again. I will never say I "accept" what happened and I will always wish things had been different. For me it took well over a year to get to that "place" as well as taking the birth of my subsequent baby (I suffered from fertility issues following my loss so a lot of my grief and agony came from the 2 year struggle we endured to become pregnant again). The number one thing that aided in my healing the most was conversing and sharing with other bereaved moms. I attended my local area support group and participated in online forums for pregnancy and infant loss. The two that I frequented the most are The MISS Foundation and SHARE. I really hope you will visit these two sites and consider walking this journey with other women who are also grieving and learning to live despite their loss.

If you want to read more about my loss and see my precious daughter, please click on the "Madison" link in my siggie.

Best wishes and peaceful days ahead to you....


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you are crafty, there are groups who make hats, booties, isolette quilts etc. for local NICUs. A lot of them are in need for full-term size items for babes in need. I belong to a knitting group called the Knotty Knitters and planned a Knit-A-Thon in July. It was a lot of fun. Everyone knitted or loomed hats, one of my closest friends even made a beautiful quilt for the occasion, and we attached handmade tags to the finished projects. The back of the tags everyone signed had this: _A gift to your new little one from the Knotty Knitters. In honor of Burke Franklinn: April 5-10, 2007. "What the heart has once loved it shall never lose."_

Anyhow, that's how I've been honoring him. I'm still making more hats to donate, and even had someone who heard about the Knit-A-Thon donate two huge garbage bags filled with yarn!!! I saw another post about a group of folks who pass on teddy bears to grieving parents. I'm sure if you browsed around online you could track them down.


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