# Introvert Mamas?



## KBinSATX

Quote:

Definition: Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.
Whew I just survived another play date at my house! But it definitely is draining for me.
Any other mamas out there that fit the description above?


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## BaBaBa

me! me! me!


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## KBinSATX

Hello Bababa!


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## Erdbeer

Yep, this is me...

I totally get drained from social interaction, especially the kind consisting mainly of smalltalk.


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## treehugz

I was just wondering if there was an introvert tribe! I'm an ISTJ, for those familiar with the Myers Briggs types.

Just bought a book last week, The Introvert Advantage... haven't read it yet though.


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## KBinSATX

Oh read it and then share the Cliff Notes version with us!


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## ktarsha

I've become more social since my son was born, but I'm still very much an introvert (and shy as well). I enjoy getting together with friends, but I'm nearly always relieved when it's time to go home.


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## KBinSATX

We are doing a lot of playdates too. It stresses me less when there aren't tons of people though.
Last friday we had another couple visit with their daughter. That was perfect! I had a good time even though they stayed all day.
It's when we have lots of kids and lots of moms over that it really drives me nuts.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
We are doing a lot of playdates too. It stresses me less when there aren't tons of people though.

I can't imagine hosting a playgroup. I get maxed out just from my own dd, much less other kids... much less other parents... much less making mindless chit chat with other parents when I can't run away cuz it's my house!







:

Does anybody else find it hard to be a mom and an introvert at the same time? I'm a sahm, and my dd is almost 1. Just being with her all day and talking to her can really frazzle me. How do you get your alone time to recharge?


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## ktarsha

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Does anybody else find it hard to be a mom and an introvert at the same time? I'm a sahm, and my dd is almost 1. Just being with her all day and talking to her can really frazzle me. How do you get your alone time to recharge?

Definitely! My son thrives on being around people, and constantly wants to show me stuff, play trains, sit in my lap while I'm typing, and talk-talk-talk. There are days when I think if I hear, "Hey Mama!" one more time, I'll lose my mind. Don't get me wrong - I love hearing what he has to say, but it can get overwhelming. My alone time is at nap (like now) and in the evening after dinner when my husband takes him for about an hour.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktarsha* 
My alone time is at nap (like now) and in the evening after dinner when my husband takes him for about an hour.

I always wind up doing chores during naptime. Some things are just easier to do without a little one crawling up my pants legs.







But I should figure out how to get all the chores done so I can better use naptime for 'me' time. I'm sure I'd be a much happier mama.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Oh read it and then share the Cliff Notes version with us!









Okay, I'm only about halfway through, but I'm learning some interesting things. If you've ever felt critical of yourself for being an innie, it's very validating and explains a lot of our behaviors. There's a section on WHY people are introverted that's fascinating. In an easy-to-understand way, it goes into the possible genetic predisposition for people to be introverted and explains how our biology handles things differently than extroverts. I thought the section was going to be boring and was ready to skip it, but I'm glad I didn't ... very enlightening.

Will let you know of any more highlights! I got another book, Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto, that I'm hoping to read after this one.


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## mrsshunk

I have learned to be social over the years, but I love to be left alone. My husband is a social butterfly and always bringing people over to our house. Having company energizes him but totally drains me. I like people. I just don't feel the need to be around them very often. Having kids forces me to be much more social than I ever used to be, and I really miss my alone time. At least two of my boys (the 3rd is too young to tell) are really extroverted like their dad, so they seem to have a hard time understanding why I want to lock myself in the bedroom and not talk to them for an hour sometimes.


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## LucyRev

I'm one of those! I always have been. I do feel the need for connection with other people I can share with, as probably everyone does. I love my friends, but I don't like big groups. Certain personalities really drain my energy, but it's also helpful for me to hang out with someone outgoing that can bring out that side of me. I like meeting new people, but I am picky about who my friends are.

My 6yr old DD is the same way. She has a few best friends she asks to see, but I just had to pull her out of kindergarten because school was so overwhelming for her. I think it was mainly the large group of kids (loud and boisterous), and having no control over anything. She needs plenty of time at home, or she gets really upset.

I can happily be a silent observer for a long time before there is something I want to say. I'm surprised sometimes when people say I'm quiet because my mind isn't quiet at all. I mean, I am used to hearing it, but I don't feel like that is who I am.

Last year I booked a night in a motel down the street just so I could be 100% alone. It was absolute heaven. Some of my friends thought I was totally insane.







My sister asked me why I wouldn't at least want to bring a friend.


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## LisainCalifornia

I am an INFJ. I have always known that I was an introvert, but it wasn't until I was about 30 that I felt "okay" with it. My mom is a total extrovert, and in her mind it is unhealthy and abnormal to be introverted, so I have spent years trying to improve myself out of it.

I have 3 kids, and one of them is a total introvert just like me.


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## SeekingJoy

LucyRev, I just LMAO in agreement to everything you just said.

I am an INTJ. I crave deep connection with people, but find social interactions to be draining in general. DS is a total extrovert, and I frequently feel the need to hide. A night all by myself sounds like heaven.

So how does our biology make introverts different? Anyone else have trouble finding friends as an introvert? It seems like mine move every time we get really close.


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I'm surprised sometimes when people say I'm quiet because my mind isn't quiet at all. I mean, I am used to hearing it, but I don't feel like that is who I am.

I've always felt that way too!


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingJoy* 
Anyone else have trouble finding friends as an introvert? It seems like mine move every time we get really close.

Yes, I think being a mother just added to the difficulty of finding friends since it's sort of important that the kids click too if you spend a lot of time together.


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## PoetryLover

I am an introvert, an INFJ. I used to be painfully shy, as well, but I find the older I get, the less shy I am. I find that it's easier for me to be more social if I make plans. This bothered a couple of my exes, who accused me of not being spontaneous. I responded that I can be very spontaneous; I just need to plan that on this day at this time I am going to be spontaneous. LOL. I am otherwise a very spontaneous person. It's just that I do better planning for social situations.

I find that sometimes I'll be in the mood to be around people but not directly interacting with them too much. Like I love to go to coffee shops and write--by myself at my own table.

And I love my friends and family--but I always need time to recharge. I come from a very large family with lots of sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc. and sometimes spending a day with them is very taxing. If I spend a weekend with them, I find I need to get away for a little while--like go to a coffee shop and write for a couple hours. My family, however, doesn't understand this. I love them. I just need to recharge. Likewise, a good friend and her daughter visited me for the weekend recently and I was relieved to have some alone time when they left. That said, I really enjoyed their visit.

Intorversion is probably the hardest part of my personality for others to understand. I think they feel rejected when I need alone time. Also, I don't mean to imply that I don't enjoy being social--public poetry readings, gathering with friends, etc. But I'm always appreciative of the quiet drive home when I can reflect on the experience.


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## Kidzaplenty




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## Samm

_"Last year I booked a night in a motel down the street just so I could be 100% alone. It was absolute heaven. Some of my friends thought I was totally insane. My sister asked me why I wouldn't at least want to bring a friend."_








: My brother who's a major extrovert traveled to our town for work - instead of being put up in a hotel - he stayed with us . . . I almost asked if I could stay at the hotel then!

_"I am an INTJ. I crave deep connection with people, but find social interactions to be draining in general. DS is a total extrovert, and I frequently feel the need to hide. A night all by myself sounds like heaven."_

This would be why I stay up waaaaaaay too late at night - all. by. my. self. in the quiet.

Samm


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Whew I just survived another play date at my house! But it definitely is draining for me.
Any other mamas out there that fit the description above?

I do. and by your definition, I'm a bit







but as a child/teenager, I was described as the opposite in social situations... yet I spent a great deal of time alone up a tree or in my room.


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## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samm* 

This would be why I stay up waaaaaaay too late at night - all. by. my. self. in the quiet.

Samm

I do that too. Usually I feel like I can't unwind enough to sleep until everyone else has been asleep for a couple hours. Sometimes I'll lay down with DH for a while, reading or whatever







.







But then I might get back up just to be alone.


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I do that too.







.







But then I might get back up just to be alone.

Me too!


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingJoy* 
Anyone else have trouble finding friends as an introvert? It seems like mine move every time we get really close.

Yep, me too. I've had a few close girl friends over the years who have all moved away. My best friend is a guy and also an introvert... since I got married we don't get together and talk much... since we have a history of some romantic tension I feel like I can't talk to him openly about my marriage (which I wish I had some girl friends to talk with about). My dh is an extrovert, and I feel like our relationship can be kinda shallow and wish we could have a deeper connection. Anyone else with an extroverted dh feel like this?


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingJoy* 
So how does our biology make introverts different?

Apparently extroverts and introverts primarily use completely different pathways in the brain... the biology theories in the book I'm reading (Introvert Advantage) are really intriguing. Here's a quote I found in a review of the book.
_"While extroverts mostly use their short-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with sensory impressions, introverts mainly use their long-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with solving problems, planning, and internal thoughts and feelings. The two brain pathways require different neurotransmitters. The pathway that extroverts use is activated by dopamine, which is identified with alertness, attention, movement, and learning. Extroverts require lots of dopamine to be happy, and activity and excitement increase dopamine production, so extroverts enjoy being busy. Introverts, on the other hand, use a brain pathway that is activated by acetylcholine, which affects long-term memory, the ability to stay calm and alert, and perceptual learning. Acetylcholine produces a happy feeling during thinking and feeling, so introverts enjoy contemplation. Laney also links these biological differences between introverts and extroverts to introverts' increased sensitivity to temperature, odor, sound, visual stimulation, and blood sugar level."_
A quote from the book:
_"Our physiology is linked to the rest-and-digest side of the nervous system... so every part of our body is attempting to preserve our resources. We are made for contemplation and hibernation... Moving our limbs takes more conscious thought. We have a tendency toward low blood sugar, low blood pressure, shallow breathing, sleep difficulties, tension headaches, and occasionally feeling drained and discombobulated."_
Some other things I remember from the book... we have a lower body temperature, sweat less, take longer to think of what we want to say, have lower energy levels, go deeply into thought and have trouble finding a place in our thoughts if we get interrupted, get easily overstimulated, and can focus and concentrated deeply when left alone.

It's fascinating to me that so much of my character could be explained by this primary chemical pathway that is genetic and that I was born with.


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
... we have a lower body temperature, sweat less, take longer to think of what we want to say, have lower energy levels, go deeply into thought and have trouble finding a place in our thoughts if we get interrupted, get easily overstimulated, and can focus and concentrated deeply when left alone.


All of that is true for me, except I'm always hot and I sweat a lot whenever I'm physically active, even while vacuuming.


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## KBinSATX

Wow, treehugz, that's really interesting!


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## amis2girls

Another INTJ who spends too much time up at night.









There's a thread somewhere here titled 'extroverted mamas'


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## LucyRev

Wow. I might have to read that book!


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## GMum

Wow, I am so glad I found this thread today - it has been another day of chastising myself for being so introverted and "making" DD such an introvert.


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## poetesss

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 

Does anybody else find it hard to be a mom and an introvert at the same time? I'm a sahm, and my dd is almost 1. Just being with her all day and talking to her can really frazzle me. How do you get your alone time to recharge?

another introvert here, but I likely won't have time to keep up with this thread so sorry if I don't post much!

Treehugz, I've realized (late in the game) that my introverted-ness is what drives me mad about being a SAHM. I was totally content being alone all day at home when I didn't have kids but now I desperately crave alone time. My only respite is when dh takes out ds alone... but then I'm stuck with dd. It got to the point that for weeks I was pumping and trying to get dd to take a bottle so that I could have a little bit of alone time here and there. I think my mental health really depended on that! Didn't work so I'm trying to figure out where to go from here....


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## karika

well hello there people like me... i read the definition and it fits me.. also sounds a lot like the definition of an empath which i also am....


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## earth_mommy

I get stressed if the grocery store is too crowded. We don't usually do concerts - unless we can get lawn tickets, we don't do New Years events or such. Luckily, my husband is the same way, so he understands.


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## sunshine1793

Thanks. I am like this too. I really miss my alone time. I need space to myself, and living in an appartment in the city, there isn't much of that around.


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## KBinSATX

Whew, wish me luck. DH is leaving on a business trip Monday and gone for a week which means *no* alone time for me. With a baby and a toddler even going to the bathroom is rarely a private event...


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## HisBeautifulWife

High fives to all the INFJ's.

We are rare, relatively speaking.


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## sunkissedmumma67

O yeah i belong here too!







:
I'm gonna have to check out that book also, interesting!


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

Hi all I think I am a good fit here. I don't go out of my house often unless it is to take my son to one of the 3 play groups we attend or my PPD group or church. Not only am I a very introverted person I also have a social anxiety disorder but for the sake of my son I go out and try and meet people so he has social interactions with other people which he loves. He is a very extroverted baby and 6 months old. When I come home I am so tired and drained that we need to take a nap or else I am frusterated for the rest of the day. I don't like to be around people and would be very content to just stay in my house on the internet researching things, reading a book or just plain relaxing in a hot tub. I sometimes even find it a struggle to be around my boyfriend somedays which thank god he doesn't live with me at the moment. I'm struggling right now to try and figure out how to be a good girlfriend when we move in together and what that is going to look like.


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## Mindy70

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoetryLover* 

Intorversion is probably the hardest part of my personality for others to understand. I think they feel rejected when I need alone time. Also, I don't mean to imply that I don't enjoy being social--public poetry readings, gathering with friends, etc. But I'm always appreciative of the quiet drive home when I can reflect on the experience.


I need alone time every day, at least an hour during the day and after the kids are in bed. My husband totally does not understand why it is very annoying for me that as soon as the kids are in bed, he wants to come chat and talk and be social with me. All I want to do is close the door and have quiet time. I do like being with people, but like everyone said, I find it draining and need lots of quiet to recuperate.

This causes problems in my marriage, because my DH is the type to always need some kind of stimulation or social interaction, and sometimes I literally have to push him out the door so I can get some quiet and alone time. I try to explain that I just need an hour or so to recharge, but his feelings get hurt. You all know how draining it is to have three small children constantly chattering and demanding attention! Also, he often comes home from work convieniently just after they go to bed, and wants a conversation partner.
So we have to work on that!


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## PGTlatte

"Last year I booked a night in a motel down the street just so I could be 100% alone. It was absolute heaven. Some of my friends thought I was totally insane.







My sister asked me why I wouldn't at least want to bring a friend.














"

OMG, I _*FANTASIZE*_ about doing this !!!! When I am totally overwhelmed, after a hard day and need to mentally go to a "happy place"....this is exactly what I imagine ! And when I drive past hotels around town, I think about how it would be to go spend a night there by myself, drinking decaf and reading until I drift off to sleep with _nobody near me......_oh, heaven !

Anyway...

I am an introvert. I have learned to keep my energy up during social times as long as I get some quiet time, preferably before and after. Including from our kids, which is hard because they are young and one is an extreme extrovert who wants constant interaction. When I don't get enough alone time, I get very irritable and my brain gets foggy. It's just bad.

The worst are the days when I don't get even a minute to myself between waking up and having someone making demands of me. The days that the boys wake up _before_ I do and wake me up by yelling for breakfast or something are almost always awful, because I don't get to reboot my brain to get ready for the day. I spend the day mentally limping along, trying to catch up and get in the game. So I've learned to drag myself out of bed at very early hours, just to get that time. If I get even five minutes to shake the cobwebs loose alone, I'm okay...those minutes are golden.

When I am getting enough alone time, I do okay with social interactions, but I find that I have much less stamina for being out and about in the world than most other people I know. I just get completely pooped. I know moms who can go all day, from one activity to another, dragging their kids from pillar to post, and then do it again the next day, who are always looking for the next activity to book their calender with and never feel overextended. They don't get tired and their kids are fine with it. My kids would explode ten minutes into the second errand or activity and I would dissolve into a puddle. Even our extrovert gets overstimulated and needs some "reset" time. We need to pace ourselves, not be overscheduled, and have unwinding time booked into our days and weeks.

I have always been like this, as far back as I can remember. I remember being three years old and just exhausted from Sunday School or being at a park with too many other kids. Later on school just tore me up. I could not stand being with all those other kids all day long. And even later, I could not stand being in crowded malls for very long, and still can't. If I'm in them too long my legs feel rubbery and I feel weak and run down. I have to get myself a Coke just to clear my head and get out of there and get home. I need to be in my own space like I need air to breathe.


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## lj2blessed

INTJ checking in!

I need to get that book!


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## LucyRev

llp34, Get yourself a room! DO IT!!!







It was the best $80 I ever spent.

I pulled my 6 yr old DD out of kindergarten a couple months ago because school was just too overwhelming for her. Now we're homeschooling and it is so much better. Being around that many kids' energy 4 days a week, even half day, even in a small class, was just way way too much. If we had stuck it through for full day 5 days a week...I can't even imagine. Well, that was one of the reasons we quit. She complains if we have too many social activities. She enjoys small groups and playing one on one though, just in small doses. (Just like her mama.) We usually take a day at home after a social day. Running around all day, with scheduled activities all the time makes me exhausted to even think about!


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## treehugz

hey innies! thought i'd come out of hermitage to revive the thread... just came across this news article about introversion/extroversion: http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090520...eallinyourhead

and i finished reading Party of One: Loner's Manifesto. it was good. lots of interesting commentary about how introverts fit (or more often, don't fit) into larger society. the author takes on an us (innies) versus them (outies) tone sometimes, but i feel that way sometimes too so i didn't think it was unjustified. if you've ever felt ashamed or persecuted for being an introvert, it's a great read.

anybody else got any good book recommendations? ooh, how about children's books with introverts in a positive light? every time i read But Not the Hippopotamus to my dd i cringe. at the end, i always make up some new fun thing that the armadillo is going to do to tell my dd... like stay home, lay in the hammock, have a milkshake, and have a great time watching birds.


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
ooh, how about children's books with introverts in a positive light? every time i read But Not the Hippopotamus to my dd i cringe. at the end, i always make up some new fun thing that the armadillo is going to do to tell my dd... like stay home, lay in the hammock, have a milkshake, and have a great time watching birds.

We change the ending too! We usually change it to: "They'll have to come back and invite the Armadillo."
But I am rethinking that.
I keep telling DS to 'go play with the other kids' when quite often I feel like staying out of the crowd myself.
The other day at LLL the older kids went to an adjacent room and I told DS to go join them. Then I was so happy when he didn't come back for 30 minutes. I thought he was having fun.

Then he came back and told me there were too many people and he didn't want to play with cars. He had to crawl under the bed (we meet at a church nursery. he meant the crib) to get OUT and back to mommy!









The things I try to change about him are the things I feel are lacking in myself.
Maybe it's time to view things in a different light. I just don't want him to miss out on friendships, etc.
But we're usually both overwhelmed in crowded playgroup situations.
Wish I could find more of a 1-on-1 situation...


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
We change the ending too! We usually change it to: "They'll have to come back and invite the Armadillo."

Too funny! For the life of me, I cannot bring myself to leave the ending as is. I have to say something to make the Armadillo happy about being left alone. Introvert pride, I guess.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
He had to crawl under the bed (we meet at a church nursery. he meant the crib) to get OUT and back to mommy!









That's terrible... I hope it wasn't too traumatic for him. I always wished I could escape when I was a kid, but was always so worried about what people would think that I usually didn't.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
The things I try to change about him are the things I feel are lacking in myself.









:


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## treehugz

I read somewhere that the Franklin books by Paulette Bourgeois would be good for little innies. Anybody read these?


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## momof2kiddos

Oh this is so me. I would rather just hang at home with my kids alone but I am learning to open up a bit. We have been having playdates with my Friend/DCP and it works out great. She lives close and has 3 kids my kids age so they kids play great together and have a ton of fun and we get a little adult talk in. Now if I am at a school or function I am not one to stand up and talk or go over and make convo with anyone.


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## mama_daba

can i join? i'm such an introvert i might not post much but i would love to be here and not feel so alone in my introvertedness. lately i find myself worrying that i may be to introverted to really be able to homeschool my child but he is still very young so it isn't an issue yet. anyone here super introverted and homeschool?


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## Sailor

I'm reading this thread with interest. We're trying to conceive right now. I'm not only an introvert, but also a recluse. I like my family and my partner - but, that's enough for me.

I've been thinking a lot about the whole "play date" issue and children socializing. Honestly, I dread having kids over for sleepovers. I think I might let my partner handle all of that, and stay at a hotel when it happens, lol.

I'm sure I'll have no issues with my own child (as I said, my own family and my partner - I can be around them all the time). But, adding strange kids into the equation ... it does not sound like fun.

My partner is more social than I am, and (I think) an extrovert, though he denies it. So ... my plan is to let him take care of that area.

Though, I'm hoping for an introvert, recluse, asocial kid.


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## ~PurityLake~

I get so much pressure from extended family regarding my daughters' social opportunities. They are now 4 and 2.5 years old. (Abigail just had her birthday park party yesterday). Abigail and Sophia do enjoy being around other children at the local park, but at the large park yesterday, they mostly ran around solo and enjoyed the park, the trees, the dandelions, the play structure, and running! but not so much the other kids. I always find myself defending the quality of their social lives, defending my choice to not yet enroll Abigail in preschool. She is a very thoughtful, deep thinker. She socializes very well with others, has always been drawn to older children than those her age, but she needs time to decompress after social activities. Sophia can simply tune others out when she's had enough.


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## pixilixi

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Does anybody else find it hard to be a mom and an introvert at the same time? I'm a sahm, and my dd is almost 1. Just being with her all day and talking to her can really frazzle me. How do you get your alone time to recharge?

I will join you guys! Oh boy, I DO find being a SAHM hard from this point of view. For me, the lack of down time to be with my thoughts and relax a little has been harder than sleep deprivation, tantrums, you name it. FWIW, I was frazzled - beyond - every day when ds was 1, but now he's 3, he does give me a little space sometimes, and I feel better about sending him out with dh or my parents to play, so I can do something for me.

I only have 1 dc, and likely to be an only, mostly for the reason that I don't think I could hack the stimulation of the extra body in the house, extra noise, extra voices talking to me, extra conflicts between dc's. My mum, who is extraverted, has always thought I'm a bit weird, and of course, thinks that having only 1 dc is selfish. She doesn't understand.

I read "the Introvert Advantage" a couple of years ago, and I actually cried a few times when it described me exactly, and why I am like I am. I had felt for a long time that something was wrong with me socially (even though I knew I was an "innie"), that I was defective. It was such a relief that my experiences were all about introversion. Reading that book gave me permission to feel how I do, and to be the way I am. I recommend it!

Well, I can identify with many points already raised, but I had to say - it is also my fantasy to have a night by myself. Maybe in a cabin in a quiet village in the bush. Oh, heaven.


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## lactationlady

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfroggy* 
can i join? i'm such an introvert i might not post much but i would love to be here and not feel so alone in my introvertedness. lately i find myself worrying that i may be to introverted to really be able to homeschool my child but he is still very young so it isn't an issue yet. anyone here super introverted and homeschool?

I don't know that I am super introverted, but I am a definite introvert. We homeschool and that is one of my challenges. I NEED alone time and tend to get very cranky if I don't have it. Some days I have to go "hide" in my bedroom for half and hour just to calm and soothe myself, and then I can go on with the day. By the time bedtime rolls around I am in desperate need of some down time. Like others here have said, I stay up way too late, just so I can have some time alone and recharge. Making sure my kids get enough social interaction with other kids is also a bit of a challenge for me. My saving grace in this area is that they have friends in the neighborhood that they can play with and I don't have to supervise much anymore.

That being said, I would not give up homeschooling, so we are just learning ways to deal with it and my kids are learning to give me some space when I need it.


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## mama_daba

i'm staying up to late right now in order to have down time.


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## amis2girls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lactationlady* 
That being said, I would not give up homeschooling, so we are just learning ways to deal with it and my kids are learning to give me some space when I need it.

Me, too. My kids are about the same age. Being an introvert is one of the reasons I haven't HS yet, but I want to this year. It's really hard when they all want attention all at once.


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## Denien

The title sounds sooo much nicer than "anti-social", which is what people have said to me most of my life.







Count me in as an introvert. I'm not really shy. I just have always needed a certain amount of alone time to function well.

Being around crowds is not my cup of tea. Spending time with people drains me. Afterwords, I need down time. Otherwise, I become cranky & stressed.

My dh is extroverted. As is my sd who just moved back in with us. Sometimes, it is hard for them to understand. But I am patient, and explain when I just do not want to go out into the world with them.

It's hard being an innie when you are surrounded by outies.


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## Juuulie

Another INTJ here!

My kids and hubby are all introverts to varying degrees, with dd and me being the most extreme, so luckily I am not under too much family pressure to be sociable. Even so, I have found it very difficult to be a SAHM. It's gotten easier as the kids have gotten older, but when they were babies and toddlers it was soooo hard to find time to recharge that I thought I would go crazy. Having a family bed was unthinkable, much as I liked the idea in theory. I HAD to have some time to myself, even if it was just while I was asleep!

I just put a library hold on The Introvert Advantage and I can hardly wait to read it!


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## beckybird

I love this thread! Just found it today, and it is honestly making me happier by the minute.

My whole life, I have been a loner. Since toddler age, I would go away from other kids at the playground. My mother, sister, aunts, uncles, all of them, are total extroverts. I was the only kid in the WHOLE family who liked to be alone. Growing up, I always felt like there was something so wrong with me.

Now, I have my own family, and I have lost most all of my "shyness". I can talk and get along at social situations just fine. But I am never comfortable, and I always end up finding a way to sneak off by myself. I have the need to get away and recharge I guess. I am happiest if I am alone outdoors with nature, and I have gotten through life being known as the "quiet, artistic girl who loves nature." Somehow, it gave me an excuse to be different I guess.

Also, I have a home business. I work at home alone all day long, and only see customers if they call and make an appointment. I don't know how I could ever work at a regular job where I have to deal face to face with people every single day.

And, like most of you, I have the most extroverted husband in the whole world! He can make a friend in his sleep, where my best friend is my mom! I am fine with that, because I am used to "me" and I know it is just my way. But I do feel very uncomfortable that my husband must think something is wrong with me too. We are so very different!

Spending my whole life being different, it is so nice to know that there are people out there just like me. Our society is so overly social in my opinion.


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BeckyBird* 
Our society is so overly social in my opinion.

I don't mind people being social with each other.







But I hate it when they force it upon others!
My son is as quiet/shy/introvert/etc. as I was as a child and I can empathize with how intrusive it feels to him when moms of his playmates won't leave him alone when we get to places.
It takes him 20 minutes to warm up and get comfortable. Badgering him about being sociable right from the get go it not going to speed it up...

I am working on becoming a better advocate for him in that respect. I just need to find a nice way to tell people to leave him alone and not make him feel more uncomfortable.


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## Autumn C.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
I am working on becoming a better advocate for him in that respect. I just need to find a nice way to tell people to leave him alone and not make him feel more uncomfortable.

I know you don't know me from adam but if I may, with kids I tend to take a "cool cat" approach. Imagine some very cool bluesy jazz with finger snaps in your mind and begin to nod your head. Seriously. Head movin'? Ok. While still nodding your head in an up and down or "yes" motion say to badgering kid: "Kenny, my friend, don't you know? My Duncan here is a very cool cat. He's checking out the place, finding his groove. He'll come play checkers with you when he's ready."

The kiddo's will be amused and you'll get the point across. And, the up and down "yes" motion of your head actually pave the way for an OK from the kid. It's worked well for me. Hope you can give it a shot!


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## mystic~mama

subbing


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## KBinSATX

Autumn I like it!








But weird enough the kids are usually giving him his space. It's some of the moms that won't give him the time he needs to get comfortable.


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## roses1001

.


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## Autumn C.

You know, we are just embarking on our homeschool journey too. How do you guys make it work?


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roses1001* 
.

Roses,
I am so sorry for not responding sooner. It's been crazy around here. Thanks for sharing your situation.
I have two and definitely feel I've reached my maximum.
I hope you are feeling a little better today. PM me if you like!
Karin


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## Sustainer

I am an introvert. I am also shy. That book that describes introverts explains a lot of things about me -- thanks for posting!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llp34*
I know moms who can go all day, from one activity to another, dragging their kids from pillar to post, and then do it again the next day, who are always looking for the next activity to book their calender with and never feel overextended. They don't get tired and their kids are fine with it.

Someone I know on Facebook posted an update saying she had just had a nice, relaxing day off taking the kids to the zoo. I thought, that's a relaxing day off for you?? You don't want to just stay home and hang out in your own yard?


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
Someone I know on Facebook posted an update saying she had just had a nice, relaxing day off taking the kids to the zoo. I thought, that's a relaxing day off for you?? You don't want to just stay home and hang out in your own yard?

Oh I know what you mean!
We should make a facebook group for introvert moms. LOL. We could chat in real time without having to leave our house!


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Oh I know what you mean!
We should make a facebook group for introvert moms. LOL. We could chat in real time without having to leave our house!










LOL that's a good idea haha.


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## Juuulie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
Someone I know on Facebook posted an update saying she had just had a nice, relaxing day off taking the kids to the zoo. I thought, that's a relaxing day off for you?? You don't want to just stay home and hang out in your own yard?


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I am an introvert. I am also shy. That book that describes introverts explains a lot of things about me -- thanks for posting!

Someone I know on Facebook posted an update saying she had just had a nice, relaxing day off taking the kids to the zoo. I thought, that's a relaxing day off for you?? You don't want to just stay home and hang out in your own yard?


We've never even been to the zoo (it's $$$$) and we don't have our own yard. Taking the girls to the park is an effort for me. All those people out there. Ick. [Yesterday was a group of 5 teens swearing and making so many sexual comments amongst each other, comparing nipple sizes and such] But they have so much fun in the sun, playing with rocks, dirt, grass and even the playground equipment from time to time.


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## hemmamamma

I don't know much about introvert people, yet I recognize myself in many of the examples above. As a child and even teenager I did not feel a big need to go out every night and enjoyed time alone. My mother would make me feel bad every night I did not call someone. I don't think she ever accepted me for who I was and I never thought I was ok. (always thought something was wrong with me). I am just like many of you wrote, I can talk for hours with close friends and share anything with them, but don't make friends with anyone and I am not good at chit chatting about nothing that really matters.


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## crabbyowl

There's a group on Facebook called "Introverts United (Separately):" http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/gr...gid=2218961143

We could always start an introvert moms group....


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## KBinSATX

If anybody wants to friend me on facebook here's my link (I think - still sorta new to facebook). Maybe we can have a introvert moms group there too!


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## KBinSATX

Oh I like the Introverts United group already! They have the personality test link on their group page and ...
Ta-dah, your personality type is INTJ!
Introverted (I) 89% Extraverted (E) 11%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Thinking (T) 55% Feeling (F) 45%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%

http://kisa.ca/personality/


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## mystic~mama




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## ~PurityLake~

Mystic Mama...

I like your bra free link because it tells me there are more people out there like me who are bra free. My mom HATES it and I'm still uncomfortable at social gatherings, but it is my preference.


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## DownToEarth

Introvert here. I have been reading the posts, but I thought I would post a reply. In addition to be introverted, I am also painfully shy. So I never meet people and that's okay with me. I don't have kids at the moment, but when I had foster kids it was definitely hard for me. After working with people all day, all I wanted to do was go home and relax. But as a single parent to 2 kids I couldn't do that. So by the time the girls moved in with their grandmother, I was so stressed that it was a relief for them to be gone. It made me sad to feel that way. I missed them terribly, but I needed down time. I am reading The Introvert Advantage right now and am learning a lot. I plan to try to get pregnant in the next year, but I think that I am only going to have the one. Two was too many, but I want a child. I think I could handle one.

I always thought I was weird growing up because I never wanted to go do things with people from school. It didn't bother me that I didn't have many friends, but because people make such a big deal about having lots of friends it made me feel weird. I learning to embrace my introvertedness (is that a word?







). It makes me who I am.

Wow this ended up being longer then I thought it was going to be.


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## principii

Oh, I cannot begin to express how much I can relate to every. single. comment. made on this thread!

Subbing, for sure...









Oh yes, and according to the quiz Karin kindly posted:

Ta-dah, your personality type is INFP!
Introverted (I) 82% Extraverted (E) 18%
Intuitive (N) 82% Sensing (S) 18%
Feeling (F) 65% Thinking (T) 35%
Perceiving (P) 77% Judging (J) 23%


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## LucyRev

I'm INFP or INFJ? I can't remember. Maybe I should retake the test.

My oldest daughter seems very similar. She's only 6, but I'm noticing that she only cares to have a few close friends and being around too many other kids really wears her out. I was same way, but she seems to gravitate towards girls who have lots of other friends. I wonder if she'll start to feel strange about that? Feeling like she cares about them more than they care about her? I just don't want her feelings hurt. I guess that is inevitable, but I feel like I should provide more opportunities for her to make friends so there isn't so much importance wrapped up in these 2 girls.

There have been a few times that kids have said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore!" over something silly, and it bring her to tears because she really thinks they mean it and doesn't understand why anyone would be so cruel. But then she has also overheard kids making fun of her for being quiet or calling her a slowpoke, and she just looked at them and didn't care at all because it was true.

I just picked up Introvert Advantage from the library. Excited to read it.


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## principii

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev*
I'm INFP or INFJ? I can't remember. Maybe I should retake the test.

My oldest daughter seems very similar. She's only 6, but I'm noticing that she only cares to have a few close friends and being around too many other kids really wears her out. I was same way, but she seems to gravitate towards girls who have lots of other friends. I wonder if she'll start to feel strange about that? Feeling like she cares about them more than they care about her? I just don't want her feelings hurt. I guess that is inevitable, but I feel like I should provide more opportunities for her to make friends so there isn't so much importance wrapped up in these 2 girls.

There have been a few times that kids have said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore!" over something silly, and it bring her to tears because she really thinks they mean it and doesn't understand why anyone would be so cruel. But then she has also overheard kids making fun of her for being quiet or calling her a slowpoke, and she just looked at them and didn't care at all because it was true.

She sounds JUST how I was at that age! I remember trying to win the hearts of the girls with many friends, as I think I hoped it would make me feel less ostracized, like I would fit in a bit better... but oh my, how they could make me cry, too!

Ugh, social pressure.

Sigh, hurt feelings.

In some odd way, it is SO nice to know I'm not the only one out there like this.


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

I just took that test and this is EXACTLY me lol... I got 100% introverted lol

Ta-dah, your personality type is INTJ!
Introverted (I) 100% Extraverted (E) 0%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Thinking (T) 70% Feeling (F) 30%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

Double post oops.


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## principii

I am obviously loving this thread.

DH is out at a ballgame, DD is asleep, I am enjoying reading "stuff" online and listening to the random firework go off, dog bark, train pass, or folks walk by (window open)... very nice...

I came across a website whilst perusing my personality type (very cool, new stuff for me!) and I thought I'd share it here, FWIW:

http://livingintroverted.com/










All my love, mamas!
Lindsey


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

Thanks for the link its interesting reading it. I'm sitting here by myself. Baby is asleep and boyfriend is hanging out with his friends where he belongs I rented movies that I am going to watch soon.


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## principii

Looking through it further, it is interesting, but not *quite* what I was hoping it would be.

Any other folks have links to share?









~~~

Curious too, what types of movies/books/topics we like, as introverts... and if anybody else has struggled / struggles with depression or other mental health problems. I read somewhere online tonight, too, that INFPs often have difficulty with anxiety/depression/etc. Just curious! It's interesting to me, since I've struggled with depression for quite awhile, never really been able to kick it regardless of meds or not, or different therapy approaches (DBT, etc.)

Anyway, I digress.


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## ~kitnkaboodle~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
Looking through it further, it is interesting, but not *quite* what I was hoping it would be.

Any other folks have links to share?









~~~

Curious too, what types of movies/books/topics we like, as introverts... and if anybody else has struggled / struggles with depression or other mental health problems. I read somewhere online tonight, too, that INFPs often have difficulty with anxiety/depression/etc. Just curious! It's interesting to me, since I've struggled with depression for quite awhile, never really been able to kick it regardless of meds or not, or different therapy approaches (DBT, etc.)

Anyway, I digress.









I'm really into drama and fantasy books. And I have struggles with depression and anxiety and other mental health problems daily.


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## principii

Drama and fantasy! Me too!!









I feel ya in the mental health dept. as well.


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## Sustainer

I like to read L.M. Montgomery, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Jean Auel, and Douglas Adams.

I have anxiety disorder.


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Oh I like the Introverts United group already! They have the personality test link on their group page and ...
Ta-dah, your personality type is INTJ!
Introverted (I) 89% Extraverted (E) 11%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Thinking (T) 55% Feeling (F) 45%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%

http://kisa.ca/personality/

Today, I am:

Ta-dah, your personality type is *ISFJ*!
*Introverted (I) 61%* Extraverted (E) 39%*
**Sensing (S) 68%* Intuitive (N) 32%*
**Feeling (F) 80%* Thinking (T) 20%*
**Judging (J) 59%* Perceiving (P) 41%


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## hemmamamma

Down to Earth, I share the same journey as you. Feeling weird about being myself growing up. Also enjoyed having an evening by myself after hours of school (and all that you said). It is nice to be in a state of mind where I am happy to be me and don't have a need to please others. Just accept who I am. I think schools are a very unnatural environment for children only made for certain types of personalities. Maybe that is where anxieties start, because we don't feel accepted...
Also, speaking of similar interests, I am wondering if introverted people tend to live similar lifestyles like parenting styles. If we don't have such a big need to belong to big groups, we are less depended on their approval and choices from the outside or the main stream. Maybe it is easier for "us" to make choices closer to our heart. I have always been different in that way, where I never had a need to belong or follow peer pressure. Maybe because we don't care that much about other people (like strangers) and we are not scared to be left alone... just some thoughts...


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## LucyRev

Oh yeah. I don't think I ever worried about fitting in. In 5th & 6th grade, almost every girl in my class was obsessed with name brands. They would take the tags off their clothes and stick them onto their notebooks. They all took dance and piano classes. My family was pretty broke, so I didn't have any of that stuff. For a while I was hanging out with the "cool girls" and discovered how very different we were. I remember actually trying to explain to them that I did not fit in.









I usually fit in with a small group of people who also didn't really fit in. Freaks & Geeks are the truly cool ones anyway right?









Not being scared to be left alone is interesting... I never really thought about that. I've never been scared to be alone and never understood friends of mine that are scared when their husbands are away.


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## Sustainer

Yeah, I never cared about fitting in and I was never susceptible to peer pressure. I always just made whatever choices I felt like making.

I just joined the wild & free tribe right before this one and I didn't even realize they were related.


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## DownToEarth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hemmamamma* 
Down to Earth, I share the same journey as you. Feeling weird about being myself growing up. Also enjoyed having an evening by myself after hours of school (and all that you said). It is nice to be in a state of mind where I am happy to be me and don't have a need to please others. Just accept who I am. I think schools are a very unnatural environment for children only made for certain types of personalities. Maybe that is where anxieties start, because we don't feel accepted...
Also, speaking of similar interests, I am wondering if introverted people tend to live similar lifestyles like parenting styles. If we don't have such a big need to belong to big groups, we are less depended on their approval and choices from the outside or the main stream. Maybe it is easier for "us" to make choices closer to our heart. I have always been different in that way, where I never had a need to belong or follow peer pressure. Maybe because we don't care that much about other people (like strangers) and we are not scared to be left alone... just some thoughts...

I too don't feel that school is a natural environment. It took me a long time to be happy with myself. School was not good for me. I wished throughout my whole childhood, especially in high school, that my mom would homeschool me. But I never asked.

I definitely agree that being introverts we don't tend to follow the "herd". Because we don't have the need to fit in and be like everyone else. I definitely liked to be left alone. I think that's one reason I didn't like doing foster care. I had all these people looking over my shoulder. I understand it, but I didn't like it.


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## Starflower

subbing.

Wow! I have been exploring introvert/extrovert issues just this very week and look what I found on MDC. Coincidence? I don't think so.









I am an introverted SAHM to 6-yr old DD who is a _major_ extrovert. If she's not with a group of people, she feels she _must_ be interacting with me and demands 100% attention or else listening to books on tape, etc. and having constant noise of people talking. It's driving me crazy right now. DH is also mostly an introvert.

I had a talk with DD yesterday about introverts and extroverts and how she and I have differing needs in that respect. Later she told me, "Mom, I think I understand now why you've been kind of grumpy." So we're closer to understanding. Hopefully, we'll find a way to meet both our needs.

I have _Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength_ by Laurie Helgoe Ph.D. on hold right now at our library. I'm excited for it to come in.

Last time I did the Myers-Briggs I ended up with INFP. I will have to check it again and see what the percentages are just for fun.

I also have a history or anxiety (panic disorder), depression and OCD. What a fun combination....NOT! Currently working with an ND on these issues, which reminds me I need to call her and haven't because I hate calling people on the phone. Email has helped me stay social by arranging things online. I do like to be with friends one-on-one or sometimes even in very small groups if I know everyone. I really have to prepare myself mentally to go to a concert or some event with lots of people though. And then I need a lot of down-time.

Looking forward to reading the other responses on here.


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I do like to be with friends one-on-one or sometimes even in very small groups if I know everyone. I really have to prepare myself mentally to go to a concert or some event with lots of people though. And then I need a lot of down-time.

Looking forward to reading the other responses on here.

I'm in preparation mode for this Saturday when we plan on taking the three kids to the VFW in Wasilla for the annual 4th of July kid stuff they do there. Heat. People. Heat. Strangers. Heat. Required bra. Heat. Ugh.


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## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower*
Currently working with an ND on these issues, which reminds me I need to call her and haven't because I hate calling people on the phone. Email has helped me stay social by arranging things online.

I HATE talking to people on the phone. I've always felt that the internet is made for me. Email is perfect. Faster than snail mail but I can think about what to say. People are always asking me for my phone number and I give them my email address instead and they look at me like I'm nuts.


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## LucyRev

I also hate talking on the phone! I put off making appointments because I hate it so much. Once a friend of mine remembered she needed to make a dentist appt when I was at her house, and she did it RIGHT THEN! I was totally flabbergasted.







Plus I'm scared of the dentist, I think more because I hate somebody being that far up in my face than because of pain.

I like talking to my closest friends on the phone, but I still hate calling them because I feel like I'm interrupting their lives. Maybe because when I'm having a bad day, the sound of the phone ringing really bugs me and I project that on everyone else?

I don't mind being in crowds. I actually love crowds at concerts and festivals where I don't know anyone except a friend or two. It's like the crowd is just one big entity of collective consciousness, and that actually really energizes me. However, if it's a big party where I have to meet people and talk, I do need lots of preparation.

Introvert Power...going on the library request list.







Thanks!


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## crabbyowl

I also dealt with depression for a long time when I was younger, and almost always read fantasy and historical fiction, with the occasional biography thrown in.

Also, I HATE phone calls!







: The only people I'll call without some amount of anxiety are my mom and DH. I recently had to call the doctor's office to reschedule an appointment - the call lasted all of two minutes and was perfectly simple, but it took me well over a week to work up to making the call. Of course, DH LOVES talking on the phone and thinks I'm being rude when I don't call people back right away - he just doesn't get that I need time to think over what I want to say to minimize the anxiety. Anyway, I'm really glad everyone knows the best way to get in touch with me is by email (except my aunt, but that's a whole other story!).

Oh, and DH is somehow convinced I'm actually an extrovert because apparently introverts never express their opinions or participate in conversations, even with people they know fairly well.


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## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl*
The only people I'll call without some amount of anxiety are my mom and DH.

Me too; my mother and my dp. I'm so glad to find people I have such things in common with! And, yeah, I'm pretty sure I express opinions and occasionally participate in conversations.


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## DownToEarth

Yay the phone thing isn't just me. I hate calling people. Like LucyRev said, I feel like I'm interrupting their lives. Everyone's way busier then me, right? So why would they want to talk to me.


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## principii

Oh YAY, me too! I HATE HATE HATE the phone. Mom and DH are the ONLY folks I can call w/o anxiety as well.

I too, have depression, GAD, and OCD... plus an eating disorder (currently in recovery)...

LucyRev, I'm like you, where 

_Quote:_

I don't mind being in crowds. I actually love crowds at concerts and festivals where I don't know anyone except a friend or two.

I LOVE being anonymous in a crowd. I loved France, sitting at a cafe, watching people pass. Pure bliss. No one to talk to, no INTERRUPTIONS!, just pure observation-time.
And then my book.









I never really thought of myself as an introvert though, until I started reading this thread and such, like crabbyowl saying

_Quote:_

Oh, and DH is somehow convinced I'm actually an extrovert because apparently introverts never express their opinions or participate in conversations, even with people they know fairly well.

I thought (and my family too, and DH) that I was more extroverted, b/c with those few folks I DO let in my "bubble", I am very gregarious and engaging. Huh. Who knew.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
with those few folks I DO let in my "bubble", I am very gregarious and engaging. Huh. Who knew.

I am this way too. I can be very talkative with people. I like to have fun. I love to discuss things. But I HATE small talk. Getting to know people is really hard for me. Sometimes it seems like when I am with people, I want to be alone and when I am alone, I want to be with people. After having DD, the alone time is getting better because it's so rare. Plus I am a sculptor and I've been working on my art more in my alone time.

I don't mind being near people. If I were to be in a crowd, I'd usually have one close friend or my family with me but now that I think about it, I wonder if I might prefer to be on my own like a PP said. I like to go to movies alone. I don't have to interact and I can see whatever I want.

At festivals, I usually have to prep my brain first, then make sure I don't get hungry and forget to eat (causes anxiety) and then I also have to know where I can find a quieter place where I can just kind of settle down. During a concert or such where everyone is focused on one thing, I am good with the collective consciousness energy, but in places like malls or other chaotic venues, I need to have a retreat space or limited time.

One thing that is a little odd perhaps is that I sometimes do like to be the center of attention, but not in a way that I have to interact with people much. I acted in a play once and loved it. I belly dance and love performing (if my mood is right). And I can work in an office doing customer service or retail or whatever and be mostly fine. But these are all roles that I play. If I separate things into playing a role, I can do extroverted for awhile.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llp34* 
"Last year I booked a night in a motel down the street just so I could be 100% alone. It was absolute heaven. Some of my friends thought I was totally insane.







My sister asked me why I wouldn't at least want to bring a friend.














"

OMG, I _*FANTASIZE*_ about doing this !!!! When I am totally overwhelmed, after a hard day and need to mentally go to a "happy place"....this is exactly what I imagine ! And when I drive past hotels around town, I think about how it would be to go spend a night there by myself, drinking decaf and reading until I drift off to sleep with _nobody near me......_oh, heaven !

Anyway...

I have this fantasy too! Someday I am going to do it for real.


----------



## Starflower

Ta-dah, your personality type is INFP!
Introverted (I) 96% Extraverted (E) 4%
Intuitive (N) 73% Sensing (S) 27%
Feeling (F) 70% Thinking (T) 30%
Perceiving (P) 77% Judging (J) 23%

Interesting to see the percentage breakdowns.


----------



## mystic~mama

check out this page on best matches for relationships for the personality types...

http://www.massmatch.com/MBTI-2.php?id=3

DP and are are "Possible" types for a relationship. I can see from reading this why that may be, this is interesting...love it...

Would be curious to know where others match up with their SO's


----------



## principii

Oh-ho. Uh-oh. Ahem. My DH took the personality quiz this morning at my request. He's an INTJ! Which is a "least likely" match for me (INFP) according to the massmatch website... (a super-cool site, btw







)
Anyhow, I did go to Barnes & Noble this morning and really delved into the Introvert Advantage. SUPER INTERESTING STUFF!!! Wow. I'm really loving this.







: Anyhow, I really do think my DH & I have a pretty solid relationship, regardless (I do tremble when I read that our temperaments/personalities aren't well-suited, but... I'm trying not to give it TOO much credit or self-fulfill a prophecy there, anyway)... okay I'm rambling/all over the place...

I read in the Introvert Advantage that innies can SAY half of their thought, leaving people confused. I do this ALL the time (in posts, especially!) LOL.

Like one pp said, I don't FEEL introverted b/c my head is noisy.









Anyway! Mighty interesting, lots of food for thought (which I love, of course)...


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii*
Oh-ho. Uh-oh. Ahem. My DH took the personality quiz this morning at my request. He's an INTJ! Which is a "least likely" match for me (INFP) according to the massmatch website...

He's a perfect match for me! Send him over!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii*
Anyhow, I really do think my DH & I have a pretty solid relationship, regardless (I do tremble when I read that our temperaments/personalities aren't well-suited, but... I'm trying not to give it TOO much credit or self-fulfill a prophecy there, anyway)... okay I'm rambling/all over the place...

Seriously, you don't need to worry about it ONE BIT. You can't put people into boxes the way that quiz and those match ups do. If you and your dh get along then you get along and that's the real authority.


----------



## Sustainer

I'm an INTJ and dp is an ISTJ. Under ISTJ, INTJ is listed as a 'best type for a relationship.' Under INTJ, ISTJ is not listed anywhere and INFP is listed under two different categories, so I think there's an error.


----------



## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I'm an INTJ and dp is an ISTJ. Under ISTJ, INTJ is listed as a 'best type for a relationship.' Under INTJ, ISTJ is not listed anywhere and INFP is listed under two different categories, so I think there's an error.

Hm. My DH is an ISTJ too (and I am an INTJ). Perhaps the above means we are the best possible match for our DH's but we ourselves could have done better!








Just kidding!


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX;*
Perhaps the above means we are the best possible match for our DH's but we ourselves could have done better!

I wasn't gonna say it


----------



## KBinSATX

I do like being married to another 'I' though. When we first started dating we'd go 'out' to festivals and such (which really stresses me out. I don't like big crowd events at all) because we thought we had to be sociable and 'fun' to be good dates and once we got to know each other and found out we both were relieved when we got to leave and go home where it's quiet we laughed ... and haven't been to any big crowd events since.


----------



## itsajenism

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~kitnkaboodle~* 
I just took that test and this is EXACTLY me lol... I got 100% introverted lol

Ta-dah, your personality type is INTJ!
Introverted (I) 100% Extraverted (E) 0%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Thinking (T) 70% Feeling (F) 30%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%


Another 100% introvert here.









Personality test results

Ta-dah, your personality type is ISTJ!

Introverted (I) 100%Extraverted (E) 0%
Sensing (S) 50%Intuitive (N) 50%
Thinking (T) 65%Feeling (F) 35%
Judging (J) 73%Perceiving (P) 27%

---

I think only having 174 posts in 4 years is another good indicator.









There is another message board (completely unrelated to mom/parenting sites) I have belonged to for 9 years now and have less than 600 posts there.


----------



## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
One thing that is a little odd perhaps is that I sometimes do like to be the center of attention, but not in a way that I have to interact with people much. I acted in a play once and loved it. I belly dance and love performing (if my mood is right). And I can work in an office doing customer service or retail or whatever and be mostly fine. But these are all roles that I play. If I separate things into playing a role, I can do extroverted for awhile.

Me too! I'm a sabre fencer (or at least I was before we ended up not having the money for it anymore two years ago







), and I'm a TOTAL alpha-female when I fence! I'm super aggressive and can't stand losing, especially to other women. I was once told that I attack like a barbarian, and yes it was meant as a compliment! I'm a totally different person than I am normally.







: (And I've always wanted to use that smiley!)


----------



## KBinSATX

Hm. I think being drained by having to interact with large groups of people isn't the same to me as being competitive, etc. IMO.
Before I had kids I rode (horses) in competition and of course I loved winning, etc. I also was a marketing major and in college I also enjoyed giving presentations, etc.
Now send me to the mall 3 days before christmas... whole different story!


----------



## DownToEarth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *itsajenism* 
I think only having 174 posts in 4 years is another good indicator.









Hey you have me beat. I have 45, well 46 with this one, in the last 3 years.


----------



## mystic~mama




----------



## mystic~mama

Another website I saw said all my matches were Extroverts...I personally feel I would rather be with another Intro...


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
Another website I saw said all my matches were Extroverts...I personally feel I would rather be with another Intro...

DP is less intro than me and can handle and greatly enjoys concerts/festivals..(ones where his fav's play anyway)....but me on the other hand, I get quite a bit of anxious, almost of panic, fight or flight feeling,,,,I have had some fantastic times dancing at shows but it has to be the right time and energy for me otherwise it is hellish...usually at that time of the month when I get super sensitive to all stimuli....

I feel the same way - if the mood is right, I'm great. Otherwise it's like torture.
_
And now for something completely different......._

Right now I am feeling worried about a meeting at the end of the week. I am newly elected to be a board member at our UU church. But the first meeting of the new board was quite overwhelming. I left feeling confused, my brain overfilled, and I felt scattered. I just read the minutes to be approved before our next meeting and now I'm feeling all the same ways again.

I really hope it calms down a bit. I do like to get out and do adult things with adult people and use my brain. I am currently a SAHM and this is why I agreed to serve on the board - so I could do some work I care about with other adults. But now I am having second thoughts. I've decided to just ride it out for awhile and see if I can settle into it, but right now it's stressing me out.

The actual meetings only have 9 people and I know all of them and they're nice people. I volunteered to act as the new secretary - mostly taking minutes and sending out email communications, stuff I normally do in the committee I was already on and will be leaving. But later I found out there is a task listed on my position that may involve uncomfortable phone calls. I have decided that I am going to have to tell the other board members that I just cannot do that task. I think the out-going secretary will be willing to do this part, but it still makes me nervous and I am doubting myself a lot.

I can't wait until the library gets my _Introvert Power_ book in so I can focus my nervousness on finding introvert-friendly ways of being effective rather than feeling like it's a liability.


----------



## Juuulie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Right now I am feeling worried about a meeting at the end of the week. I am newly elected to be a board member at our UU church. But the first meeting of the new board was quite overwhelming. I left feeling confused, my brain overfilled, and I felt scattered. I just read the minutes to be approved before our next meeting and now I'm feeling all the same ways again.

<snip>

The actual meetings only have 9 people and I know all of them and they're nice people. I volunteered to act as the new secretary - mostly taking minutes and sending out email communications, stuff I normally do in the committee I was already on and will be leaving. But later I found out there is a task listed on my position that may involve uncomfortable phone calls. I have decided that I am going to have to tell the other board members that I just cannot do that task. I think the out-going secretary will be willing to do this part, but it still makes me nervous and I am doubting myself a lot.

Funny, I just joined the board of a non-profit and went through similar thoughts & feelings. In addition to being extremely introverted, I have the problem that although this non-profit's mission is something I care deeply about, I don't have much experience or outside knowledge to bring to the table. So I was feeling doubly insecure... until I had a private conversation with the ED which resulted in a great meeting where we all talked quite explicitly about what each person's role on the board would be. (I mean role in terms of personality, not job description.) Just getting the topic out in the open helped a lot and I am much more comfortable with the board now. They KNOW I'm not going to be the one schmoozing with donors!

I would strongly encourage you to do the same. Bring it up at the next meeting (or in private, like I did). I'm sure your org would rather have people do the tasks they are best suited for.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Well, 4th of July was a hit for the kids. The heat made me feel ill. I drank lots of water, and even ate watermelon in between, but the heat was just too much for me. I had a headache for a couple days after. No one spoke to me, I spoke to no one other than my girls, stepson and husband, because I didn't know anyone there. It was a bit depressing and I hate thinking about how isolated I feel. I don't know why no one up here ever talks to me or starts conversations with me like people used to do all the time. All I can figure is because now I'm older, fatter, and less appealing. Or maybe now I am just less enthusiastic and less hopeful and maybe other people sense that about me and stay away.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
I'm glad to hear that mama...their definitely more of us out there....I wear camisole tops underneath (I cut out the elastic part)...seems totally normal to me now after about 4 years and it is true what they say about your breasts getting healthier, I nursed for 4.5 years and mine are aging pretty gracefully...

blessings

Well, I have been bra free since being frustrated with my nursing bras. I was always without a bra after work once home, but after having my daughters, I haven't worked. Therefore, I've had little to no need for a bra. I'm still self-conscious, though. Years of my mom's influence are not easy to remove from one's mind. But I'm happy with my choice. I'm afraid if I ever return to work, I'll once again feel the pressure to wear a bra and the decision alone will stress me out.

From the personality site:
*I tested as ISFJ, so I'm not all that introverted after all.*

Strong need to belong and to have harmony
Very good with details and the here-and-now
Trust the lessons of the past, rather than try new things
Amazing command of the facts
Do not like confrontation
Need to be appreciated for their contributions
Under stress: can become rigid

Best types for a relationship: ISFJ, ENFJ, ESTJ
Possible types for a relationship: ESFJ, ESTP, ISFP, INFJ, INFP, ESFP, ISTJ, ISFP
Least likely types for a relationship: ENTJ, INTJ, ENTP, INTP, ENFP
Percentage of the US population: 9-12%

*But I am a rare specimen, being only 9-12% of the US population.* Perhaps it's just proof that I should be living in another country.


----------



## principii

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~*
*But I am a rare specimen, being only 9-12% of the US population.* Perhaps it's just proof that I should be living in another country.

That's funny... I have ALWAYS wanted to move to another country... and my MB personality comprises 1-2% of the US population. I wonder which country (statistically speaking) would be my best fit. (where's those Facebook quizzes when you need 'em!!







)


----------



## mich

Hi everyone, can I jump in? I has been wonderful reading through the thread. I have been really struggling with this lately. My parents came and stayed with us for almost 6 weeks, it was great and stressful at the same time. They left on Sunday and I swear it's going to take me a week (or more!) to recover.

We have family staying with a lot through out the year. Anyone else? I would love some tips on how to manage it. I seem to have a hard time expressing my needs and requesting anything from guests.

I have been turning down outing invites and even canceled some things for this week. I just need to lay low and recharge.

I am usually an ISFP, sometimes an INFP. I also have a history of anxiety and depression. My husband is very understanding and supportive, but I don't have any introvert girlfriends in real life. My closest friends are more extroverts, so at times like this I can end up feeling very alone.

Thanks


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
That's funny... I have ALWAYS wanted to move to another country... and my MB personality comprises 1-2% of the US population. I wonder which country (statistically speaking) would be my best fit. (where's those Facebook quizzes when you need 'em!!







)

There is one called.. what country should you live in... my result was Sweden. lol


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
Oh YAY, me too! I HATE HATE HATE the phone. Mom and DH are the ONLY folks I can call w/o anxiety as well.

I too, have depression, GAD, and OCD... plus an eating disorder (currently in recovery)...

LucyRev, I'm like you, where
I LOVE being anonymous in a crowd. I loved France, sitting at a cafe, watching people pass. Pure bliss. No one to talk to, no INTERRUPTIONS!, just pure observation-time.
And then my book.









I never really thought of myself as an introvert though, until I started reading this thread and such, like crabbyowl saying
I thought (and my family too, and DH) that I was more extroverted, b/c with those few folks I DO let in my "bubble", I am very gregarious and engaging. Huh. Who knew.

You sound a lot like me.


----------



## principii

~Purity♥Lake~... thank you so much for your replies! I'll have to look up that quiz.









~~~~~~~~

Onto other realms... I've been reading the lovely Introvert Advantage. As a part of "flexing" my extrovert muscles, I'm posting here now to challenge everybody to - ahem - keep posting.







I have trouble with this myself. I will relate to such-and-such case scenario... then move on. I will open up, air myself to the world (so to speak), then just as abruptly, shut down.







Any other mamas like this?

I just made myself smile over the irony of "so to speak"... let's add NERD to the list of this introvert.


----------



## jrabbit

hello, can I join? I've always known I was an introvert, but I struggle with making it work in my life. I ***want*** to be an activist on many levels. I owned a resale shop for 6 years, where I interacted and promoted and forced myself to be a community activist. 3 years into it, I had an emotional breakdown, which led to me getting out of the business. Looking back, I think that I really just couldn't handle that public life. I've been out of it for a year now, and I'm still learning how to be a mama, but I haven't found a happy place yet.

I took that quiz now, with these results:
Introverted (I) 93%Extraverted (E) 7%
Intuitive (N) 68%Sensing (S) 32%
Thinking (T) 55%Feeling (F) 45%
Perceiving (P) 64%Judging (J) 36%

I think N & T & P used to be a higher percentage, and my public persona mellowed me out. good or bad I can't really say.

I hate the phone. I cry in social confrontations. I am borderline agoraphobic. I'd be happiest on a small hippie commune. Say with 3-4 families who I didn't "have" to interact with.

gotta go. teething baby.









--janis


----------



## MamieCole

Hello my fellow introverted mamas.

Another INFP checking in.

I've read this thread with my head nodding the entire time. I can so relate...the definition in the first post is me to a T.

I'm not shy at all and actually enjoy speaking or performing in front of other people, but I LOATHE the small-talk, play-date, cocktail party type intereaction. Ugh.

I've realized that the few close friends I have are all very extroverted. Which I suppose is good, since if it were left up to me to initiate social contact and activities with them it would probably never happen. heh.

My DH is sort of middle of the road between introverted and extroverted. One huge difference is that I need quiet alone time free from expectations of conversation or interaction. When we were first dating, I knew he was a good fit for me when we could just sit and watch tv or whatever with having to talk. I LOVE comfortable silence! I found out later he thought "something was bothering" me when I didn't initiate conversation and that when I was quiet I must be sad or mad. It made him totally self-conscious to have no talking. Once I met his mother, I realized where he got that idea...







The woman never shuts up, ever. Needless to say, we don't hang out with his mother very often. After 5 years of marriage he has gotten pretty good at giving me my silent time and only rarely takes it personally.









Interestingly enough, being a SAHM is a really good fit for me. I much prefer being at home with DS than having to go out into the world and tolerate other adults all day. That doesn't sound very nice...but in all honesty, tolerate is the best word to describe how I feel about everyone outside my immediate family and close friends. Other people usually exhaust me. I don't get much time to think or talk outloud to myself during the day with being a SAHM, so I get my time to think and recharge by lying awake at night for an hour or so after DS and DH have gone to sleep.

It's been really great reading about so many of you who are in the same boat. Or, rather, in very similar individual boats for one.


----------



## PGTlatte

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamieCole* 
I don't get much time to think or talk outloud to myself during the day with

I do this too...sometimes for hours. The next day I'm very tired, but also refreshed somehow....I need my thinking time more than I need sleep I guess. The most frustrating thing to me about being a SAHM with two young kids is the constant interruptions. I get really frazzled by that. When I was working I worked alone 99% of the time; not physically alone but at least in my own little space and I was hardly ever interrupted. Now at home if anyone else who lives here is awake, I am constantly interrupted. My thoughts get broken and go all over the place. I need that time at night to put my head back together.


----------



## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llp34* 
The most frustrating thing to me about being a SAHM with two young kids is the constant interruptions. I get really frazzled by that. When I was working I worked alone 99% of the time; not physically alone but at least in my own little space and I was hardly ever interrupted. Now at home if anyone else who lives here is awake, I am constantly interrupted. My thoughts get broken and go all over the place. I need that time at night to put my head back together.

Yes I am having a hard time with this too. I used to coordinate multi million $ projects. Now I can barely remember what day it is! It's like my brain fell victim to mommyhood.

Interesting that previous poster mentioned SAHM being a good fit. For me it's very tough. I strongly believe in AP but constantly having somebody on my is really draining. I miss the time to myself I had when I was working...


----------



## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 

I read in the Introvert Advantage that innies can SAY half of their thought, leaving people confused. I do this ALL the time (in posts, especially!) LOL.

Like one pp said, I don't FEEL introverted b/c my head is noisy.









I think I do that saying half of my thought thing quite often. Oops.







I assume they know what I'm talking about, or at least where I'm coming from. I finish my sentences though. I have a very extroverted friend (more of a very long time acquaintance) who trails off half her words within half of a sentence and then says, "ya know?" leaving me completely bewildered.









And that was me with the noisy head and quiet mouth. I get very chatty with close friends though.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
I just made myself smile over the irony of "so to speak"... let's add NERD to the list of this introvert.









I love a good word nerd









Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamieCole* 









Hello my fellow introverted mamas.

Another INFP checking in.

I've read this thread with my head nodding the entire time. I can so relate...the definition in the first post is me to a T.

I'm not shy at all and actually enjoy speaking or performing in front of other people, but I LOATHE the small-talk, play-date, cocktail party type intereaction. Ugh.

I've realized that the few close friends I have are all very extroverted. Which I suppose is good, since if it were left up to me to initiate social contact and activities with them it would probably never happen. heh.

My DH is sort of middle of the road between introverted and extroverted. One huge difference is that I need quiet alone time free from expectations of conversation or interaction. When we were first dating, I knew he was a good fit for me when we could just sit and watch tv or whatever with having to talk. I LOVE comfortable silence! I found out later he thought "something was bothering" me when I didn't initiate conversation and that when I was quiet I must be sad or mad. It made him totally self-conscious to have no talking. Once I met his mother, I realized where he got that idea...







The woman never shuts up, ever. Needless to say, we don't hang out with his mother very often. After 5 years of marriage he has gotten pretty good at giving me my silent time and only rarely takes it personally.









Interestingly enough, being a SAHM is a really good fit for me. I much prefer being at home with DS than having to go out into the world and tolerate other adults all day. That doesn't sound very nice...but in all honesty, tolerate is the best word to describe how I feel about everyone outside my immediate family and close friends. Other people usually exhaust me. I don't get much time to think or talk outloud to myself during the day with being a SAHM, so I get my time to think and recharge by lying awake at night for an hour or so after DS and DH have gone to sleep.

It's been really great reading about so many of you who are in the same boat. Or, rather, in very similar individual boats for one.









Amy, you sound very similar to me. And we both live in Westside PDX, and I don't think we've ever met! Wait, maybe we have.... I can't remember. Do you have two boys? I've always wished it would be acceptable to host a westside playdate and only invite 2 or 3 mamas. Not that I don't like everyone, but I hate trying to inject myself in conversation in a group. I never know the right time, and then I wait too long and end up interrupting someone.







:

I also like being able to stay home. Now we're homeschooling, so that's even better. However, it's also worse because getting alone time is harder.


----------



## crabbyowl

I'm also an INFP - for a group that only makes up about 1% of the population there sure are a lot of us here, relatively speaking!







It's so good to have some contact with those who are the same "type" of person as me, since IRL I seem to be so different from everyone else.

I've also requested _Introvert Advantage_ from the library, and am looking forward to (attempting to) reading it. I used to read all the time, but now have to really make time for it.

Principii, that absolutely describes me! I'm sure it's a big part of why DH finds me frustrating to deal with at times, because I can be having a really great time talking with someone but have little interest in initiating contact with that person later, and when I do see them again I may or may not have anything else to say to them.


----------



## KBinSATX

I am so glad I started this thread!


----------



## Starflower

Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?


----------



## MamieCole

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
Amy, you sound very similar to me. And we both live in Westside PDX, and I don't think we've ever met! Wait, maybe we have.... I can't remember. Do you have two boys? I've always wished it would be acceptable to host a westside playdate and only invite 2 or 3 mamas. Not that I don't like everyone, but I hate trying to inject myself in conversation in a group. I never know the right time, and then I wait too long and end up interrupting someone.







:

I have just the one DS. He's almost 3 now. And I have a DD who is in high school. I don't think we have met...unless of course you hang out in my living room.







: We've been here two years and the only people I have really gotten to know are my next door neighbors. I had really good intentions when we first moved here. Posted to the westside thread a few times and was going to make myself go to a playdate or field trip. Shockingly that never happened. heh. Now it is two years later and we are moving back to California in a couple of weeks. I suppose the upside is that since I don't have any close friends up here, it doesn't make it difficult to leave.









And I TOTALLY don't have the conversation interjecting skills either. While other people are talking I think of something completely related to the conversation, but by the time I figure out how and when to interject, the topic has changed. A 2-3 person playdate would be so much better. I think you should just go for it!


----------



## MamieCole

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?

OMG I do that all of the time!


----------



## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?

I promised myself not to do that anymore, but I often hit the multi quote button to reply to a bunch of people and then just decide to skip it.









Amy, sorry we won't ever get to meet.

I think there are good amount of introverts online in forums because it's just the perfect amount of connection and "social" activity for us. We can weed through the b.s. and just talk about what we want. In our own homes.

I also have a bad habit of talking too quietly, or not looking up from what I'm doing when I talk.







My 6 yr old introverted DD does it too, and now I know why it is so irritating to my DH.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I think there are good amount of introverts online in forums because it's just the perfect amount of connection and "social" activity for us. We can weed through the b.s. and just talk about what we want. In our own homes.

or bow out of a conversation that is overly confrontational with dignity. And without tripping over a chair or something.


----------



## mama_daba

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?


i do that a lot, even with this thread


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower*
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?

I do that sometimes.

I actually typed something on FB a little while ago and thought for a while about whether or not to post it, and then I got up the courage and posted it, and then it turned out I had really







and I wished I hadn't posted it. Doesn't give me much courage for next time.


----------



## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
or bow out of a conversation that is overly confrontational with dignity. And without tripping over a chair or something.









So true! I have had a couple of bad foot in mouth moments lately. In real life. Good lord, I hate that. I completely misunderstand what someone means and then I reply back totally inappropriately for the situation. And then I figure it out and want to crawl under a rock.


----------



## kai28

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?


Yes!

I'm new to this part of the MDC forum - I was hanging out in the pregnancy forum while pregnant last fall/winter, but that got kind of overwhelming, so I faded away.

I'm an introvert (the introvert advantage was a great book), as is my husband. I know I need to take my son out (nearly 3 months) to see new places & things, and we do, but it takes a lot of energy to deal with random people who come up to talk to me about the baby. I have to put on some mental armor to prepare for the interactions. They're all fine - nothing bad ever comes of it - but it's tiring.


----------



## Starflower

I just got email notification from the library that "Introvert Power" is in and waiting for me! Yay! I hope I can get it today!









kai28 - I know what you mean about people being interested in the baby and coming up to you. I actually found that after awhile I could deal with that better than regular chit-chat with strangers because I only talked about the baby.

My DD is now 6 years old and is very outgoing. I've learned to use DD's extroverted tendencies as an ice-breaker (she'll go up to people and introduce us), but I do still often feel like I am talking myself into a hole at times. I feel better adept at conversation than I used to be, but it really depends upon my frame of mind, the type of people I am trying to talk to, etc.

I am also very attuned to other peoples' reactions/emotions and tend to feel aware that I am staring at them while I am talking to them. It's almost like if I am not really engaged in a conversation - such as with the dreaded small talk - I feel like I am listening to my own words ramble while trying to think of what to say at the same time as studying their faces. It's kind of surreal.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 

I am also very attuned to other peoples' reactions/emotions and tend to feel aware that I am staring at them while I am talking to them. It's almost like if I am not really engaged in a conversation - such as with the dreaded small talk - I feel like I am listening to my own words ramble while trying to think of what to say at the same time as studying their faces. It's kind of surreal.











I think you just nailed it. I am so in tune to facial expressions, body language and the unspoken word (and a whole lot of empathy - feeling what they are feeling), that while in conversation with someone, I feel overwhelmed by all the input and my attempts to decipher it all.


----------



## principii

... I just got a book from the library today that I simply can't put down. In fact, I only put it down to post about it here







...

It's called _Nurture by Nature, Understand Your Child's Personality Type_ by Paul Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger. All I can say is: get it. It's great.

But then again, I rather got detoured from the whole _Introvert Advantage_ (which I devoured too) by researching and learning more about the MBTI classifications of the personalities. Then I found Keirsey, and am delving into _Please Understand Me_ as well. Totally fascinating stuff.

~~~

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starflower
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?
For my two cents, I am the World's Number One Lurker. I don't even get my thoughts into the text box. I definitely "mentally" reply to everything. But fear of putting-foot-in-mouth, too many bad experiences (mostly as a kid), not wanting to hurt others or get hurt myself, hyperanalyzing every word I say (how a,b,c,x,y, and z people will interpret it... how to readjust to add the miscellaneous g,h, and i folks into my reply so nobody feels left out, the inevitable WHAT IFS)... needless to say all my thoughts get stuck/rammed all together in their exodus and voila, *nothing* comes out.
When I do type (and I promise, I'm almost done), I don't even let myself reread it. And then I have to quickly... POST! Like now, before I do delete it on impulse, out of fear... ack.


----------



## Sustainer

I have absolutely ZERO ability to interpret body language and unspoken word and hints and signals and things like that. If people want me to pick up on something, they need to come right out and say it. I think a lot of people expect me to be able to pick up on subtleties simply because I'm a woman, and they end up thinking I'm rude because they think I'm deliberately ignoring their unspoken messages.


----------



## Starflower

I got about halfway through "Introvert Power" last night. Pretty interesting read so far. I'll elaborate more later after I finish it and more time to think about it.

I also wanted to bump our thread so it didn't get too buried.


----------



## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I have absolutely ZERO ability to interpret body language and unspoken word and hints and signals and things like that. If people want me to pick up on something, they need to come right out and say it. I think a lot of people expect me to be able to pick up on subtleties simply because I'm a woman, and they end up thinking I'm rude because they think I'm deliberately ignoring their unspoken messages.

I think my problem is more that I am too direct. I always thought it was a cultural thing (I am from Europe) but perhaps it's an Introvert thing as well?


----------



## Starflower

We had our church board meeting today. It went pretty well - I just hope I can read my messy notes before typing up the minutes!

We have a short check-in at the beginning of each meeting. I used my check-in today to tell everyone that I was exploring my introvertedness and that if I seem especially quiet on things, I am probably just thinking. I also told them that I will be using my research to see what gifts I can best bring to the table. I think they all understood - and after that, one other person also spoke up about being an introvert (I already could tell she was). So I feel good about my role in the meetings and feel confident that if any telephoning needs done relative to my secretarial position that I can farm that out to one of the extroverts.









Yesterday, my DH and I talked a bit about introvert/extrovert stuff. He identifies as an introvert, but says he has quite a lot of both in him. He can easily attend festivals and seems OK at parties for the most part. But he also likes to do a lot of solo, quieter activities. He is a computer programmer so he spends most of his professional days doing his own thing without many interruptions. He takes the bus to and from work (and doesn't get carsick) so he uses that time to read his gazillion sci-fi books.

He also recognizes my need for space since my day to day work is being a SAHM and homeschooler with our wonderful and very extroverted DD. So DH has been trying very hard to get me some down time. He's actually always encouraged this, but until I really started exploring it, I don't think I quite understood how important is really was for me. I have stopped resisting it, and I think that's a good thing.

One huge change we are making is with regards to homeschooling. While I know introverts who are happy homeschoolers, I feel unable to meet DD's extrovert needs with play dates, park dates, classes, etc through our homeschool networks. It's just too much for me to organize for her and I find myself exhausted after park days and chit chat all the time. We have enrolled DD part-time in a private democratic school for the fall. This has been a hard decision for me, but DD is really excited about it. And, I am starting to no longer feel guilty about giving up my dream of homeschooling. The school we found meshes with our educational philosophy and will be just part time for now which suits our needs at this point. I think it will benefit DD because it will meet her people needs while meeting my alone-time needs.

Now we are trying to figure out how to get couple-time into the balance because that seems to be lacking at the moment.


----------



## Autumn C.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
We had our church board meeting today. It went pretty well - I just hope I can read my messy notes before typing up the minutes!

We have a short check-in at the beginning of each meeting. I used my check-in today to tell everyone that I was exploring my introvertedness and that if I seem especially quiet on things, I am probably just thinking. I also told them that I will be using my research to see what gifts I can best bring to the table. I think they all understood - and after that, one other person also spoke up about being an introvert (I already could tell she was). So I feel good about my role in the meetings and feel confident that if any telephoning needs done relative to my secretarial position that I can farm that out to one of the extroverts.









Yesterday, my DH and I talked a bit about introvert/extrovert stuff. He identifies as an introvert, but says he has quite a lot of both in him. He can easily attend festivals and seems OK at parties for the most part. But he also likes to do a lot of solo, quieter activities. He is a computer programmer so he spends most of his professional days doing his own thing without many interruptions. He takes the bus to and from work (and doesn't get carsick) so he uses that time to read his gazillion sci-fi books.

He also recognizes my need for space since my day to day work is being a SAHM and homeschooler with our wonderful and very extroverted DD. So DH has been trying very hard to get me some down time. He's actually always encouraged this, but until I really started exploring it, I don't think I quite understood how important is really was for me. I have stopped resisting it, and I think that's a good thing.

One huge change we are making is with regards to homeschooling. While I know introverts who are happy homeschoolers, I feel unable to meet DD's extrovert needs with play dates, park dates, classes, etc through our homeschool networks. It's just too much for me to organize for her and I find myself exhausted after park days and chit chat all the time. We have enrolled DD part-time in a private democratic school for the fall. This has been a hard decision for me, but DD is really excited about it. And, I am starting to no longer feel guilty about giving up my dream of homeschooling. The school we found meshes with our educational philosophy and will be just part time for now which suits our needs at this point. I think it will benefit DD because it will meet her people needs while meeting my alone-time needs.

Now we are trying to figure out how to get couple-time into the balance because that seems to be lacking at the moment.

How great for you to be so proactive in exploring your introvertedness (if that's even a word.) I don't know if I'd ever have the guts to stand up and educate people on what being an introvert means.

As far as homeschooling goes, I think what works is what works. And it's entirelly possible that in the future some other arrangement might work.

And let me know how you figure out couple time I could use some suggestions in that area.


----------



## KBinSATX

Wow. Good for you Starflower for figuring out what will work best for you and being open about it with others.







I bet you'll be much happier this way!


----------



## Maine Mama Doula

Subbing. I am definitely introverted. I have to know somebody for years before I really open up to them. People describe me as quiet and sometimes I feel antisocial, so definitely introverted. Thankfully I have a long commute to and from work everyday. I say that I wish I didn't, but it does give me that time to wind down and think and prepare for the next attack for attention.


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
... I just got a book from the library today that I simply can't put down. In fact, I only put it down to post about it here







...It's called _Nurture by Nature, Understand Your Child's Personality Type_ by Paul Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger. All I can say is: get it. It's great.

I'll have to check that one out... they wrote a similar book for couple relationships I've been wanting to read too called _Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type_

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
For my two cents, I am the World's Number One Lurker. I don't even get my thoughts into the text box. I definitely "mentally" reply to everything. But fear of putting-foot-in-mouth, too many bad experiences (mostly as a kid), not wanting to hurt others or get hurt myself, hyperanalyzing every word I say (how a,b,c,x,y, and z people will interpret it... how to readjust to add the miscellaneous g,h, and i folks into my reply so nobody feels left out, the inevitable WHAT IFS)... needless to say all my thoughts get stuck/rammed all together in their exodus and voila, *nothing* comes out.
When I do type (and I promise, I'm almost done), I don't even let myself reread it. And then I have to quickly... POST! Like now, before I do delete it on impulse, out of fear... ack.









Too funny... I do the same thing. A yahoo group moderator just threatened to kick me out of the group because I only lurk and never post...







discrimination to introverts if you ask me.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
I think my problem is more that I am too direct. I always thought it was a cultural thing (I am from Europe) but perhaps it's an Introvert thing as well?

I was reading in Kurcinka's "Kids, Parents and Power Struggle" again last night and it made me think of your comment about being direct. (I picked up this book after reading an excerpt on introvert/extrovert differences.) There is another section in the book that discusses Thinking vs. Feeling type of temperament (Myers-Briggs). It sounds like directness could also have to do with whether they are T or F types. Thinkers tend to want the just the facts and make decisions based on facts, and may just state the facts in a situation, whereas feelers tend to empathize first and may hold back more to try to keep the peace.

I am very strongly in the F category on the Myers-Briggs and I live in a very politically correct area of the US. Being direct can be difficult for me even when I want to be direct.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Autumn C.* 
How great for you to be so proactive in exploring your introvertedness (if that's even a word.) I don't know if I'd ever have the guts to stand up and educate people on what being an introvert means.

As far as homeschooling goes, I think what works is what works. And it's entirelly possible that in the future some other arrangement might work.

And let me know how you figure out couple time I could use some suggestions in that area.

We always said we'd homeschool as long as it works for our family, that nothing was set in stone. But it was still hard to come to the conclusion that we needed to make a change for the time being.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maine Mama Doula* 
Subbing. I am definitely introverted. I have to know somebody for years before I really open up to them. People describe me as quiet and sometimes I feel antisocial, so definitely introverted. Thankfully I have a long commute to and from work everyday. I say that I wish I didn't, but it does give me that time to wind down and think and prepare for the next attack for attention.

I think DH's commute helps him a lot too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I'll have to check that one out... they wrote a similar book for couple relationships I've been wanting to read too called _Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type_

I'll have to check this book out. We talked _very_ briefly last night about DH's alone time needs and he'd like more time to game and play his cello. I want to support this, but I don't want to end up living completely separate, parallel lives either.

We would have some time in the evenings together, but we are having a bedtime problem with DD. She only goes to bed when we do, which many AP families love and we did too for a long time. But she's too big for us to all co-sleep together comfortably. And we're having trouble getting her back into her own bed. She sees my place as next to her - all night long. Can't say as I blame her - she's 6. If I get her to sleep in her bed and then sneak out later, she consistently wakes up in the wee hours of the morning. She doesn't say she is scared -just that she doesn't want to be alone.

The good part of bedtime is something new we are trying. She is willing to have some quiet reading time with all the family reading our own books in our bed.







:

The more I think about this, the more I think we will have to move the bunk beds purchased last winter out of her room. She used to have a double bed which was easier for me to leave after she fell asleep because we weren't glued together like in the twin sized bed.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Too funny... I do the same thing. A yahoo group moderator just threatened to kick me out of the group because I only lurk and never post...







*discrimination to introverts if you ask me.*

I agree with this.















hope I don't get kicked off the introvert thread for being too wordy!

In my own defense: in "Introvert Power" the author talks about how the internet can be a safe place for introverts to talk because they can write their responses and edit before hitting the send button. When she interviewed introverts for her book, she did it all in writing and they were able to respond anonymously for the book. It's really an interesting read. I'm about 2/3 the way through it.


----------



## ~kitnkaboodle~

Hey guys. I feel like I am very fortunate in my introvertedness. I have a park just down the street that isn't too busy and we go later in the evening when people would usually be eating supper. I also am very fortunate that most of my time is spent at home and also that I don't see my boyfriend often. I get the best of the introverted world.


----------



## Autumn C.

Don't mean to brag but

DS is on a camping trip

And

Dh took dd out for a while. (And the second he asked if she wanted to go by-by she was at the door ready to go out.)

I am sitting in a completely quite/ empty house.









Yippeeeee!!!


----------



## Maine Mama Doula

Do you all think once an introvert always an introvert? Or can an introvert become extroverted??


----------



## Sustainer

I feel as if I could pretend to be an extrovert, at great stress to myself, but I don't feel as if I could ever become an extrovert.


----------



## KBinSATX

I think ther are different levels of 'introvertness'.
The main difference between introvert and extrovert is not how shy or wordy somebody is but rather how one truly recharges and gains or loses energy - how draining interaction with others is, etc.
I think there probably are some socially very skilled introverts that still need to come back into their own space to recharge their batteries.
So my answer is levels may change, you can fake it if you have to but the essence stays the same unless you are truly at 50/50 (take the test).

On a different note:
I got the kids to bed today by 9! Yay me.







And it's not even 11 PM and I have all my orders finished. I could actually take a bath and read a book now if I wanted to with nobody bugging me.


----------



## Autumn C.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maine Mama Doula* 
Do you all think once an introvert always an introvert? Or can an introvert become extroverted??

Since being an introvert/extrovert is not a choice but a inherent trait I think it would stay the same over a lifetime. But being an introvert is often confused with being shy, antisocial, socially awkward, or being a "loner". To be sure an introvert CAN be all these things but isn't neccesarily any of these things.

Personally, I spent my formative years being ridiculously shy. I would break into hysterics at the thought of talking to someone new.

I am no longer shy. At all. I don't have an inch of anxiety about meeting new people. Still hate the chit chat. Dread mommy and me. Need a day (or four) to lick my wounds after my husband drags me to a party. But I'm not at all anxious.

Still an introvert.


----------



## mich

Starflower said:


> I was reading in Kurcinka's "Kids, Parents and Power Struggle" again last night and it made me think of your comment about being direct. (I picked up this book after reading an excerpt on introvert/extrovert differences.) There is another section in the book that discusses Thinking vs. Feeling type of temperament (Myers-Briggs). It sounds like directness could also have to do with whether they are T or F types. Thinkers tend to want the just the facts and make decisions based on facts, and may just state the facts in a situation, whereas feelers tend to empathize first and may hold back more to try to keep the peace.
> 
> I am very strongly in the F category on the Myers-Briggs and I live in a very politically correct area of the US. Being direct can be difficult for me even when I want to be direct.
> 
> Very interesting. I am strongly in the F and P categories. For me part of what makes an outing or event so exhausting is that I am constantly reading peoples body language. If I see that someone needs something, or is trying to do something, or is struggling. I cant help noticing and then helping.
> 
> I also strongly identify with the Highly Sensitive person description.
> http://www.hsperson.com/
> Self test here if anyone is interested.
> http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm
> 
> I'm not sure how the two relate, Introvert and HSP. Or is one aspect is stronger in me that another.
> 
> This is such a great thread. I also hope it can keep going. But as someone who has been on MDC for many years and just hit 500 posts, I can see how it might be hard to keep an introvert thread active!


----------



## crabbyowl

Just wanted to say THANK YOU to whoever recommended _Introvert Advantage_ - I'm on the 3rd chapter and am really loving it!







: I especially like when the author makes the distinction between being antisocial and being asocial, and points out that using the word asocial to describe introverts adds to the perception that there's something wrong with us. Plus, there are some really great quotes. This may be a book to add to my ever-growing book collection!


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I feel as if I could pretend to be an extrovert, at great stress to myself, but I don't feel as if I could ever become an extrovert.









: Sometimes I can "force" myself to be like an extrovert for certain amounts of time/situations, but yeah, it comes at a high cost.


----------



## Maine Mama Doula

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Oh I like the Introverts United group already! They have the personality test link on their group page and ...
Ta-dah, your personality type is INTJ!
Introverted (I) 89% Extraverted (E) 11%
Intuitive (N) 59% Sensing (S) 41%
Thinking (T) 55% Feeling (F) 45%
Judging (J) 77% Perceiving (P) 23%

http://kisa.ca/personality/

*My Results*
Introverted (I) 100% Extraverted (E) 0%
Intuitive (N) 68% Sensing (S) 32%
Thinking (T) 50% Feeling (F) 50%
Perceiving (P) 55% Judging (J) 45%


----------



## Maine Mama Doula

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maine Mama Doula* 
*My Results*
Introverted (I) 100% Extraverted (E) 0%
Intuitive (N) 68% Sensing (S) 32%
Thinking (T) 50% Feeling (F) 50%
Perceiving (P) 55% Judging (J) 45%

I guess I belong here, huh?







:


----------



## Sustainer

According to that quiz I am highly sensitive.


----------



## Autumn C.

I also highly sensitive and

Personality test results
Ta-dah, your personality type is INFJ!

Introverted (I) 100% Extraverted (E) 0%
Intuitive (N) 86% Sensing (S) 14%
Feeling (F) 80% Thinking (T) 20%
Judging (J) 59% Perceiving (P) 41%

Can someone explain judging vs. perceiving to me?


----------



## Sustainer

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-p...perceiving.asp


----------



## Freedom~Mama

Quote:

INFJ!
Introverted (I) 86% Extraverted (E) 14%
Intuitive (N) 68% Sensing (S) 32%
Feeling (F) 85% Thinking (T) 15%
Judging (J) 50% Perceiving (P) 50%
I don't have time to comment now but will later! I love this thread soo much!







:


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?

Constantly!

I'm INFP

Ta-dah, your personality type is INFP!
Introverted (I) 89% Extraverted (E) 11%
Intuitive (N) 64% Sensing (S) 36%
Feeling (F) 75% Thinking (T) 25%
Perceiving (P) 86% Judging (J) 14%

I positively fantasize about spending a night or two in a hotel by. my. self. Without having to talk to anybody(I could happily go _days_ without communication if it were possible). I stay awake hours after everyone else, just lying in bed reading or thinking in the dark while DH snores, often until 4:00a.m. Now my DH is working nights and I still stay awake in the dark half the night while he's gone and the kids are sleeping...heaven







Of course that means that he's home all of the day now too...which is nice...I love him...but it's yet one more person in "my" space/interrupting my thoughts all day







It gets to me. A lot. Actually it's making me batty, I'm really upping those hotel daydreams







Luckily for me he's introverted too and really "gets" me, so he doesn't take it personally when I tell him to stop talking to me.









I have social-anxiety on top of being introverted, so "people" are extra hard for me and life is pretty solitary. We've moved a few times so I don't have any friends and it's just too hard to force myself out to make any







I'd finally just managed to make good friends with a neighbor just before we both moved to different states. It's kind of a drag, but it's only a drag on those rare occasions when I feel a need for that type of relationship...and honestly it's just takes too much energy to get to "friendship". Besides, how many people do you know that immediately understand "I want to be friends, but only every once in a while"









I also like to occasionally be "around" people without actually interacting....coffee shops and bookstores off in the corner somewhere etc.

*Oh, and editing to add that I hate phones too!


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I am also very attuned to other peoples' reactions/emotions and tend to feel aware that I am staring at them while I am talking to them. It's almost like if I am not really engaged in a conversation - such as with the dreaded small talk - I feel like I am listening to my own words ramble while trying to think of what to say at the same time as studying their faces. It's kind of surreal.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 









I think you just nailed it. I am so in tune to facial expressions, body language and the unspoken word (and a whole lot of empathy - feeling what they are feeling), that while in conversation with someone, I feel overwhelmed by all the input and my attempts to decipher it all.


----------



## Samm

Hi all -

Another introvert coming out of lurkdom to say hi! This thread is awesome. I find myself constantly composing responses in my _head_.

I just had to laugh at this _Besides, how many people do you know that immediately understand "I want to be friends, but only every once in a while"_

I have a friend right now who doesn't understand why I 'disappear' at regular intervals . . . and I'm thinking well at least they're regular









Samm


----------



## principii

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
My husband is an extrovert and very understanding of my introversion. We have worked together to find techniques that work for us and have found a happy balance.









That's GREAT that you and your husband can work so well together!!







: I'm very happy for you! That's wonderful.

Quote:

This thread is of particular interest to me, because I am expecting my first in Jan. How do mamas of babies find alone time, particularly SAHM and WAHM.
One word: NAPTIME! Lol.







Seriously. But I'm curious to see what the other Mamas say, as I don't know WHAT I'm going to do once she drops her one and only nap... hopefully I won't have to worry about that for awhile.

Otherwise, some days I *do* get up before she does, and have some quiet time to myself... that's always nice. I've read about other mamas doing the same and that it's saved their sanity more than once.

We listen to soft music sometimes too, I find that that helps me feel a bit more, whats-the-word, centered? ... Okay, I can't think any more, DD is clamoring and making NOISE! Oh, the ironies.


----------



## KBinSATX

Oh yes, when they miss a nap it's terrible... LOL
With two kids it's even worse since it's so tough to get their naps aligned.
Sometimes poor DH comes in the door at 5PM and I just hand him the kids right away to get some alone time.


----------



## Maine Mama Doula

I agree, naptime









Just looking at my results again: I can only really consider myself an IN since T and P are 50% and 55% respectively. Hmmm, interesting. I'm still shocked that I scored 100% Introverted. I guess I NEED to get up earlier more often









The other day I took DS and DD2 to the beach. I met another cool mom there who has three children (youngest is 6) and I asked for her phone number!







I am so proud of myself.

Let's keep this thread going - I love it


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Oh yes, when they miss a nap it's terrible... LOL
With two kids it's even worse since it's so tough to get their naps aligned.
Sometimes poor DH comes in the door at 5PM and I just hand him the kids right away to get some alone time.

Both my daughters dropped their naps around the age of 2. They are less than 14 months apart in age. My husband is gone from 7 am to 7 pm. No more naps for me. At least their closeness in age means they easily entertain each other.


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
This thread is of particular interest to me, because I am expecting my first in Jan. How do mamas of babies find alone time, particularly SAHM and WAHM.

When they were younger I'd hand the kids off to DH and tell them to go. away.







I still do it sometimes.

Now that the kids are older I can send them out to play, sometimes for hours.


----------



## Dreamy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I am an INFJ.

Me too!

INFJ
Introverted 78%
Intuitive 12%
Feeling 38%
Judging 11%

Careers:
Social Work, Education, Librarian, Law, Early Childhood Education, Psychology/Psychotherapist, Counseling, Design, Science

Famous people:
John Bradshaw, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, John Calvin, Nicole Kidman

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I am a major introvert. When I know we have company coming, I'm stressed all day long, and don't relax until they've gone, even though we always have fun!

We're stuck for a babysitter right now, so I'm considering going to see Harry Potter by myself - I REALLY hope this pans out. Going to the movies alone was my favourite thing to do in my single days.

Now my ideal night is to sit and crochet or read while DS is sleeping and DH is playing Warcraft. I just get so frazzled and depressed if I don't get enough time alone - nobody to entertain, no one's expectations to manage, no need to drum up conversation - ahh, bliss.


----------



## Dreamy

Oh, and I'm famous for being quiet. In my high school yearbook I was voted "Most likely to be a textbook case autistic." Horrible and doesn't make any sense, I know, but there it is









My son is super quiet too. At the family reunion this weekend so many people remarked on that, and said he must take after me.

Like many of you, I prefer to observe others. If I actually have something worthwhile to say, then I'll speak up.


----------



## Dreamy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
Looking through it further, it is interesting, but not *quite* what I was hoping it would be.

Any other folks have links to share?









~~~

Curious too, what types of movies/books/topics we like, as introverts... and if anybody else has struggled / struggles with depression or other mental health problems. I read somewhere online tonight, too, that INFPs often have difficulty with anxiety/depression/etc. Just curious! It's interesting to me, since I've struggled with depression for quite awhile, never really been able to kick it regardless of meds or not, or different therapy approaches (DBT, etc.)

Anyway, I digress.









I've dealt with depression, I have panic disorder, and my favourite movies and books were/are vampires/witches (as a teen) and now fantasy/magic.


----------



## tana'smama

Wow--I'm soooo glad that I came across this thread.

So I'm an introvert with social anxiety and I knew I was different as a child but until the last few years, I didn't realize that what my issue was actually had a name. Having an 'outie' husband, we have so many issues and he really doesn't understand 'me'. I may send him this thread in hopes that he will come to understand.

I do have a question--do you think being and innie comes from genetics or possible the environment? The reason I ask is because I always thought that the reason I avoided people was because I grew up with a raging alcoholic father. When I was preg with dd I told my hubby that I prayed she wouldn't be like me---meaning antisocial.

Issues that have come up in the last few months---Folks wanting to give me a baby shower--this absolutely ticked me off because I HATE being the center of attention. Bad to say but luckily I went in the hospital on bedrest and avoided this situation. Unfortuntaly that led to another issue--folks wanting to come see me in the hospital









Also--since I had the baby 6 weeks ago--folks wanting to come by and see him or bring me food....Luckily so far I've put them off but know I will eventually have to give in.

An example of how bad I am--When Dh and I were married he wanted his family there--I told him the only way he would marry me was if it were just he and I.

I'm going to have to look that book up....


----------



## ktarsha

I ought to take the Myers Briggs profile again; I did it about 10 years ago, and can't remember what I came out as... INTJ, maybe.

I have to agree with previous posters - nap time is a good and joyful thing. I am so thankful my son still (usually) naps for at least an hour and a half. That's my sacred Me-Time, and if he decides against napping, he's usually pretty good about staying in his room until I tell him rest time is over.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tana'smama* 
I do have a question--do you think being and innie comes from genetics or possible the environment?

I'm guessing some of both, but I think environment plays a big role. When I was young, I was an only child and content to play or read on my own if my best friend wasn't home. So I was, I think, technically an introvert, but I was not especially shy, I enjoyed being with other people and I don't recall much, if any, anxiety about meeting new people. When I was 11, we moved to a different state, and I can pretty well date my painful shyness and social anxiety to that time. Kids that age can be rather mean, particularly to "the new kid," and I got my feelings hurt enough times that I started to withdraw.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
Curious too, what types of movies/books/topics we like, as introverts... and if anybody else has struggled / struggles with depression or other mental health problems. I read somewhere online tonight, too, that INFPs often have difficulty with anxiety/depression/etc.

Movies (and TV) - I like romantic comedies, a very limited amount of sci-fi, some documentaries, some drama. Looking at my Netflix queue, I see a lot of British TV and foreign films.

Books - I like reading travelogues (living vicariously through people who thrive on meeting new people), as well as mysteries and general fiction.

I haven't been diagnosed, but I think I probably have at least slight depression.


----------



## Autumn C.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tana'smama* 
Wow--I'm soooo glad that I came across this thread.

Also--since I had the baby 6 weeks ago--folks wanting to come by and see him or bring me food....Luckily so far I've put them off but know I will eventually have to give in.



Congrats on the babe!

And LET THEM BRING YOU FOOD! And then smile and say baby needs to nurse or isn't well or you were up all night or whatever and tell them to go home. I found having a babe to be the ultimate buffer between me and everyone else. I could excuse myself and anytime for any reason and the outies HAD to understand. It was great!


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## The Hidden Life

I have been beating myself up for years that I am not more social, hate entertaining, don't like going out of the house much, avoid parties or any occasion requiring small talk with strangers like the plague, etc. I pulled my kids out of public school two years ago in part because I got tired of the constant stream of little friends and their moms wanting playdates and my children constantly wanting to have friends over. I homeschooled for two years and now I am afraid I've come to the tipping point again--I need some peace and quiet in the house (still have my 3yo at home of course) and will probably put my three girls in public school again. I feel terrible about giving up on full-time homeschooling (still plan to work with them afterschool) but I feel like I am going bonkers having to talk and deal with my own kids all day long. My hubby works long hours, so it is just me and the kids about 85% of their waking hours.

My husband is somewhat introverted, although not to the degree I am. I have to consciously remind myself to tell him what I am thinking about--just sharing what is going on in my brain--otherwise he thinks I am silent because I'm mad at him or something!

I am constantly shushing my kiddos--there is only so much noise and chatter I can take. There are definitely some challenges being an introverted mom with a larger number of children. I feel like my introversion is getting stronger these days, maybe because of my exasperation with homeschooling them.

I am not shy at all but often get tongue-tied trying to think of things to say in small-talk situations. I'd rather not answer the door or the phone, talk with neighbors or even stick around for coffee and donuts after Mass, all things which my husband and children loooove doing. Sometimes I feel like I am this curmudgeonly eccentric that the rest of my family has to make apologies for.

Did anyone see that tv movie with Drew Barrymore recently? She was playing an eccentric recluse who lived with her mother in a tumbledown mansion--relatives of the Jackie Kennedy on the Bouvier side, I believe. I am not *that* eccentric, but sometimes I feel like people perceive me that way due to all the little things in my life that add up to making me an unusual person, introversion being one of them.

Glad to join the discussion. I'm looking forward to reading "Introvert Advantage."


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Hi to all! I'm an ISFJ (very high marks on the introversion) and just wanted to mark a place in this thread so I can go back and read all of it.

This year has been an acceptance year for me. I've always seen being introverted as a socal stigma. I can fein being social but it drain me near to death.

I'm happy there's a thread for this!!







:

**Sometimes I take the test and it's ISTJ and other times is ISFJ. ????

Introverted (I) 93% Extraverted (E) 7%
Sensing (S) 77% Intuitive (N) 23%
Thinking (T) 70% Feeling (F) 30%
Judging (J) 55% Perceiving (P) 45%

~ OOOOOHHH!!! I'm so glad that hating to talk on the phone isn't just me!!! I abhor talking on the phone and will avoid it by using text/email at any given cost!!!

I'm all teary eyed because, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel alone...like I'm the weirdo of the group...it's like "coming home"! Lol. Does that make sense!!?!?!


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Any other introverts here spend a good amount of time typing up responses on websites like MDC or FB and then just delete them in the end?

Ugh! Yes. All the time. With text messages too.







:

I get mad at myself sometimes for being such a "pansy".









Lol.


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## tana'smama

I remember as a teenager, my friends would call me and I would always get my mom to tell them I wasn't available. To this day I will not answer the phone unless it's absolutely necessary. Also, when I'm home alone I won't answer the door if someone drops in.

Yesterday I couldn't get out of it and had to open the door because my 18 month old was standing next to it crying. So my evidently my husband had told this person to drop in (knowing how I am). I get soooo irked with him thinking/trying to 'fix' me. He is an outie and thinks he can socialize me.

I'm reading the book 'Introvert Advantage' and so many things are coming to light--I wish I could get my hubbie to read so that he would understand me more and quit trying to fix me.

I guess if not for him I would become a total recluse....


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tana'smama* 
So my evidently my husband had told this person to drop in (knowing how I am). I get soooo irked with him thinking/trying to 'fix' me. He is an outie and thinks he can socialize me.


For a time, my husband and my mother were both saying that I needed to get out of the house more. I would ask why, they'd say, it will be good for you. I said, I am happy with the way things are. My mom still thinks I need more friends in order to be happy. She thinks a higher number of friends produces a higher level of happiness.


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## mariamadly

Wow . . . I'm the only introvert in the house! My husband thought he was for years, but then I called him on how he needed to touch base and verbalize to work through whatever he was carrying. My teenagers need to talk things out -- usually verrrrry late at night for a couple hours a pop -- and I'm the go-to because . . . I got a very high score on the Highly Sensitive Person questionnaire and happen to be good at helping those around me get comfortable. Especially emotionally and psychologically. Which I can only get for myself by being alone!

Saw more than one of you fellow introverts mention you prefer to email or text. Me, too! I really need to be able to control the flow of intensity, pace, give myself time to think (foot-in-mouth sufferer here).

Still find myself staying up late to get back to myself.

So great to find all of you!







:


----------



## principii

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Hi to all! I'm an ISFJ (very high marks on the introversion) and just wanted to mark a place in this thread so I can go back and read all of it.

This year has been an acceptance year for me. I've always seen being introverted as a socal stigma. I can fein being social but it drain me near to death.

I'm happy there's a thread for this!!







:

**Sometimes I take the test and it's ISTJ and other times is ISFJ. ????

Introverted (I) 93% Extraverted (E) 7%
Sensing (S) 77% Intuitive (N) 23%
Thinking (T) 70% Feeling (F) 30%
Judging (J) 55% Perceiving (P) 45%

~ OOOOOHHH!!! I'm so glad that hating to talk on the phone isn't just me!!! I abhor talking on the phone and will avoid it by using text/email at any given cost!!!

I'm all teary eyed because, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel alone...like I'm the weirdo of the group...it's like "coming home"! Lol. Does that make sense!!?!?!

I went through a MAJOR change in perspective when I found this tribe. It's been almost a month and I tell you, it's been basically the best month of my life. So yes, you make total sense.









I'm an INFP with a pretty solid balance of T, so I can totally relate to the testing as an F or a T sometimes. I think perhaps as women our F comes into play just per our nature, hormonal cycles, etc.









SOOO







:







:







: for this thread!


----------



## marimara

Hey all,

I'm not sure if I posted my intro yet or not but I'm going to dive in now. I always test at INTP but lately I've met some other intro mamas and I feel like I am more extraverted then they are so it's making me question my introvertedness. I mean I feel like I'm always the one to ask them to get together, etc...

I've never been one to have a ton of friends, just usually one or 2 max close friends. But now that I'm older, a mama, and have moved dozens of times, I've lost that closeness with all of them. Anyways, I know I've pushed myself to be more outgoing, being a military mama, I'm always moving and now that I have a dd who likes hanging out with other kids, I have made the extra effort to get out there for her, yk? So, I feel like I'm introverted naturally but it takes extra effort on my part to be social. I do like being social though.

Maybe you ladies can help me sort this out.

I really don't like the meet and greet type of parties where I don't know anyone or only know a couple of people. I am not a social butterfly, canvassing the room to talk to people. I will position myself in a corner and chat with whoever is around me. If I know them well, we can have deep and meaningful conversations. Otherwise, it's painful to do the mindless chit chat and I end up running off early.

But with close friends or family, I can be gregarious, and funny, joking and sarcastic. I talk forever about deep subjects with people I know well.

But I am a SAHM and I find that I get bored easily and have been looking for other mamas to hang out with. I really would like to find that magic combination of a person (or 2







) to hang out with. I prefer to hang out with extraverted people because they bring me out of my shell and I have more fun with them. But I find most of them flighty, and have better conversations with intros. So....anyways..what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, am I extra or intro? I know the standard question, is where do I get my energy from. Am I recharged through solitary time or through other people. I've never understood this question. I know that after hanging out with large #'s of people (even strangers, like at the mall) I HAVE to get home and be alone. But after hanging out with close friends, and good conversations, I feel like it gives me a boost. But like I said, I solidly test at INTP. The only thing that's marginal is the P, which is sometimes J, but I think I know why that is (I've been working on being more decisive and sometimes that is reflected in my test scores).

Anyways, I'm learning lots from this thread!


----------



## principii

<marimara>

You are SO INTP. LOL... I would say definitely an introvert, from your description... keep in mind it varies in terms of percentage and "functions" - as an INTP your dominant function is Ti - Introverted Thinking... which means your head is busy, busy, busy...







But yes. Extroverts gain energy from socializing... doesn't sound like you do (maybe I'm mistaken). Introverts regroup, recharge their batteries by being alone.







As you know...
Here's this for you, if you haven't seen it already: http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html

Welcome to the - um, err - party? lol.


----------



## savannah smiles

Hi ladies!! Another introvert dropping in to say "hi!"

I've always been very introverted and very sensitive to sounds and smells so being social is a lot of work for me. I remember needed to ask the teacher a question in class but not wanting to because I didn't want the attention, the physical closeness and the smell of their breath if they came over to my desk.

I'm on vacation right now and I find them tough because I'm away from my homebase! I need quiet time at home to be able to recharge and wanted to cry when my dh wanted to extend our vacation by another day. *sigh*


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 
Hi ladies!! Another introvert dropping in to say "hi!"

I've always been very introverted and very sensitive to sounds and smells so being social is a lot of work for me. I remember needed to ask the teacher a question in class but not wanting to because I didn't want the attention, the physical closeness and the smell of their breath if they came over to my desk.

I'm on vacation right now and I find them tough because I'm away from my homebase! I need quiet time at home to be able to recharge and wanted to cry when my dh wanted to extend our vacation by another day. *sigh*

Oh dear, I totally know what you mean about homebase. Vacations are almost painful for me! My home is my sanctuary.....


----------



## mariamadly

It's neat to run into so many of you who ARE gregarious with those you know well. I often use sociability as a shield. The cocktail-party chat terrifies me, so I just ask other people about themselves. They're off and running, think I'm brilliant, and we're all more comfortable.

Home is my favorite place, too. Some of our nicest vacations have been a house rental in a small coastal town. Sort of a sanctuary that would do until I got back to the real thing.

How do those of you partnered with outties handle the differences in what you need? DH has me as a sounding board, then wants to help me the same way, but all I want to do is catch my breath somewhere peaceful. I kind of feel bad telling him the best thing he can do is leave me alone.


----------



## mich

The Hidden Life, thanks for posting. Parenting/Homeschooling can be so hard for me. Many of our friends decided to homeschool years ago, it's working well and I am happy with the decision. I only have 2 kids, but they are getting older and the house is much quieter now.

But I am worrying more and more, am I am doing enough for them? There are times I need to say home, so they have no choice but to stay home with me. Some friends may be going swimming or to a state park, but my kids miss out because of me. Someone may offer to take them along, but I say no thank you because I cant stand to not be with them, watching them myself. I would be home nervous and anxious the whole time. I don't want them running around the neighborhood because it makes me nervous.







:

We do see friends every week, usually two or three times a week. And my oldest is like me, he would rather stay home. My youngest is more outgoing, but he is happy at home too. But I still beat myself up every time I pass on an outing or avoid a playdate.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
I went through a MAJOR change in perspective when I found this tribe. It's been almost a month and I tell you, it's been basically the best month of my life. So yes, you make total sense.









I'm an INFP with a pretty solid balance of T, so I can totally relate to the testing as an F or a T sometimes. I think perhaps as women our F comes into play just per our nature, hormonal cycles, etc.









SOOO







:







:







: for this thread!









Phew, good. I'm just tickled pink that there are people out there that do understand and now I have a book to read about it.

I love reading about everyone's experiences here and just nodding my head saying, "Yeah, yeah. Me TOO!!"

It's hard for me just because I have an EXTEREMLY extroverted child. I take great pains to keep him socialized and feel gulity when I need my hour for reading to recharge.
Thank goodness I got rid of the extroverted husband I had...he was the most draining of all and made me feel like a total weirdo for how I am.

Ahhh! I love you guys. ROFLMAO.








I'm def in a "feeling" frame of mind today! ::snicker::


----------



## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tana'smama* 
I get soooo irked with him thinking/trying to 'fix' me. He is an outie and thinks he can socialize me.

Mine does this too, although not as much as he used to. It used to be that when we'd have people over or go to someone else's place he'd remind me that I needed to do my part to "keep the talk going." Somehow, though, whenever there was a lull in the conversation I'd "find" that I had just taken a bite or a drink of something, and so was unable to speak up - after all, it's bad manners to talk with your mouth full!









He still definitely doesn't get my aversion to the phone, and thinks that if I get enough "practice" calling someone whenever a call needs to be made for the household (bills, banking, doctor, etc.) I'll "get used to it" and won't have this issue anymore.









A MAJOR annoyance has come up related to this lately. Everyone knows to email me to get in touch with me, but my aunt doesn't use email. When she calls (which she's doing more frequently) and I don't feel like talking (which I'll admit is a lot!) I'll let her leave a message, and since I hate the phone it sometimes takes me a while to call back. Well, she's started calling DH's phone and asking for me!







(He works from home, so he's pretty much always here during the day.) This is really annoying for both of us, albeit for different reasons.







:


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
I'm all teary eyed because, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel alone...like I'm the weirdo of the group...it's like "coming home"! Lol. Does that make sense!!?!?!









: This makes complete sense.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tana'smama* 
Maybe you ladies can help me sort this out.

I really don't like the meet and greet type of parties where I don't know anyone or only know a couple of people. I am not a social butterfly, canvassing the room to talk to people. I will position myself in a corner and chat with whoever is around me. If I know them well, we can have deep and meaningful conversations. Otherwise, it's painful to do the mindless chit chat and I end up running off early.

But with close friends or family, I can be gregarious, and funny, joking and sarcastic. I talk forever about deep subjects with people I know well.

But I am a SAHM and I find that I get bored easily and have been looking for other mamas to hang out with. I really would like to find that magic combination of a person (or 2







) to hang out with. I prefer to hang out with extraverted people because they bring me out of my shell and I have more fun with them. But I find most of them flighty, and have better conversations with intros. So....anyways..what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, am I extra or intro? I know the standard question, is where do I get my energy from. Am I recharged through solitary time or through other people. I've never understood this question. I know that after hanging out with large #'s of people (even strangers, like at the mall) I HAVE to get home and be alone. But after hanging out with close friends, and good conversations, I feel like it gives me a boost. But like I said, I solidly test at INTP. The only thing that's marginal is the P, which is sometimes J, but I think I know why that is (I've been working on being more decisive and sometimes that is reflected in my test scores).

Anyways, I'm learning lots from this thread!

Most people are a combination of introvert/extrovert. I like being with people in limited amounts. And according to "Introvert Power" many introverts like deep conversation and hate the small talk. I think you qualify as introvert enough for this thread!  Welcome aboard!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 
Hi ladies!! Another introvert dropping in to say "hi!"

I've always been very introverted and *very sensitive to sounds and smells* so being social is a lot of work for me. I remember needed to ask the teacher a question in class but not wanting to because I didn't want the attention, the physical closeness and the smell of their breath if they came over to my desk.

I'm on vacation right now and I find them tough because I'm away from my homebase! I need quiet time at home to be able to recharge and wanted to cry when my dh wanted to extend our vacation by another day. *sigh*

I am also very sensitive to sounds and smells. When I was in gradeschool, the boy behind me smelled funny to me and every time he passed my desk to go ask the teacher something, I'd hold my breath. How's that for weird? lol

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mich* 
The Hidden Life, thanks for posting. Parenting/Homeschooling can be so hard for me. Many of our friends decided to homeschool years ago, it's working well and I am happy with the decision. I only have 2 kids, but they are getting older and the house is much quieter now.

But I am worrying more and more, am I am doing enough for them? There are times I need to say home, so they have no choice but to stay home with me. Some friends may be going swimming or to a state park, but my kids miss out because of me. Someone may offer to take them along, but I say no thank you because I cant stand to not be with them, watching them myself. I would be home nervous and anxious the whole time. I don't want them running around the neighborhood because it makes me nervous.







:

We do see friends every week, usually two or three times a week. And my oldest is like me, he would rather stay home. My youngest is more outgoing, but he is happy at home too. But I still beat myself up every time I pass on an outing or avoid a playdate.

I hope you can stop beating yourself up about this. I think it's important to find the right balance for you and your kids. I'd ask them if they feel like they'd like to be more active with other people more often or not. They may be perfectly happy, or maybe they do feel like they're missing out. Is there a particular family you'd trust to send them with for activities? (I have a hard time letting go as well.)

We homeschooled our DD this year for K and live in an area with lots of homeschool activities and groups. It's just too much for me and not enough for her, but she's very extroverted. We decided to enroll her part-time in a private democratic school so she can see people and I can be alone for awhile. I still feel guilty about this once in awhile, but I think as long as we can afford it, it will be a good move for our family.

*
And to the poster who wants her DP to read "Introvert Advantage" -* try this: Put it in the bathroom and remove all other reading material. That's how I got my DP to read pregnancy books.


----------



## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl* 
He still definitely doesn't get my aversion to the phone, and thinks that if I get enough "practice" calling someone whenever a call needs to be made for the household (bills, banking, doctor, etc.) I'll "get used to it" and won't have this issue anymore.

















: My dh actually said the exact same thing to me yesterday!! My girls' riding stable called yesterday to confirm (for the 1000th time!) when their lessons were and when I grumped to my dh about having to call them back, he rolled his eyes and said that I just needed to get used to it and get over it. Grrr!!!


----------



## fenwickmama

:

Ta-dah, your personality type is ISFJ!
Introverted (I) 86% Extraverted (E) 14%
Sensing (S) 55% Intuitive (N) 45%
Feeling (F) 55% Thinking (T) 45%
Judging (J) 64% Perceiving (P) 36%


----------



## merryns.mom

this is soo me

i'm either an intj or an infj (depending on the time of the month ?!)

i really hate talking on the phone; i imagine myself posting on here, but never do

i'm an extrovert in my head, but it doesn't come out like that? also, no one believes that im an introvert b/c growing up i was super nerdy and attended bigtime functions and conventions and could speak infront of really large crowds, but i am deathly afraid of small social groups.

my main problem is that i have an intense fear of failure that if i post something, it will be wrong, other mom's won't want to come over for a playdate, that i will be laughed at if i talk in a group/party.

it's hard for me b/c my husband is a social butterfly with lots of close friends-they all say he never comes to parties anymore-and i know it's my fault b/c i hate them and i feel like no one wants to be my friend and i just stand on the outside looking

nice to have this thread!!


----------



## Purple Sage

Hi fellow introverts! I can't remember if I posted to this thread before (and too lazy to go back and check, lol)...so nice to see all the new posts!









I'm an INFJ and I can relate to so much that has been posted lately. I hate the phone - caller ID is the best invention ever! DH and his entire family are extroverts and (my MIL in particular) think being an introvert is some kind of personality defect.







: I don't know how many times I've had to explain that I am much happier at home than ANYwhere else. It's not a problem! I do have guilt over not meeting my extrovert dd's needs, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. She does get social time with kids in the neighborhood and at school...so it's not like I'm forcing her to be a hermit. There has to be a balance between meeting her needs and meeting mine, and I'm never going to be the mom who has the kids in a bunch of activities where I'm going to have to chit chat with all the other moms. It's not that I'm scared of talking with people....it's just so tiring!

Thanks for this thread, mamas.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I do have guilt over not meeting my extrovert dd's needs, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. She does get social time with kids in the neighborhood and at school...so it's not like I'm forcing her to be a hermit. *There has to be a balance between meeting her needs and meeting mine, and I'm never going to be the mom who has the kids in a bunch of activities where I'm going to have to chit chat with all the other moms. It's not that I'm scared of talking with people....it's just so tiring!*










: The bolding is mine. I feel this way too.


----------



## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
If anybody wants to friend me on facebook here's my link (I think - still sorta new to facebook). Maybe we can have a introvert moms group there too!

I'd join the group.


----------



## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Apparently extroverts and introverts primarily use completely different pathways in the brain... the biology theories in the book I'm reading (Introvert Advantage) are really intriguing. Here's a quote I found in a review of the book.
_"While extroverts mostly use their short-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with sensory impressions, introverts mainly use their long-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with solving problems, planning, and internal thoughts and feelings. The two brain pathways require different neurotransmitters. The pathway that extroverts use is activated by dopamine, which is identified with alertness, attention, movement, and learning. Extroverts require lots of dopamine to be happy, and activity and excitement increase dopamine production, so extroverts enjoy being busy. Introverts, on the other hand, use a brain pathway that is activated by acetylcholine, which affects long-term memory, the ability to stay calm and alert, and perceptual learning. Acetylcholine produces a happy feeling during thinking and feeling, so introverts enjoy contemplation. Laney also links these biological differences between introverts and extroverts to introverts' increased sensitivity to temperature, odor, sound, visual stimulation, and blood sugar level."_
A quote from the book:
_"Our physiology is linked to the rest-and-digest side of the nervous system... so every part of our body is attempting to preserve our resources. We are made for contemplation and hibernation... Moving our limbs takes more conscious thought. We have a tendency toward low blood sugar, low blood pressure, shallow breathing, sleep difficulties, tension headaches, and occasionally feeling drained and discombobulated."_
Some other things I remember from the book... we have a lower body temperature, sweat less, take longer to think of what we want to say, have lower energy levels, go deeply into thought and have trouble finding a place in our thoughts if we get interrupted, get easily overstimulated, and can focus and concentrated deeply when left alone.

It's fascinating to me that so much of my character could be explained by this primary chemical pathway that is genetic and that I was born with.

I read that book a couple of years ago and related SO MUCH to the part you posted above. Now if only I could get DH and my MIL to understand.


----------



## layne

INTP here. I have one introverted kid and one extrovert. The extrovert is going to need serious therapy. We keep trying to teach him how to play independently but he has this weird idea about playing with other people being more fun.








The innie and I like to read next to each other. It's sort of weird parallel playing with one's kids. I need to read that book. I could use the validation.
layne


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I do have guilt over not meeting my extrovert dd's needs, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. She does get social time with kids in the neighborhood and at school...so it's not like I'm forcing her to be a hermit. There has to be a balance between meeting her needs and meeting mine, and I'm never going to be the mom who has the kids in a bunch of activities where I'm going to have to chit chat with all the other moms. It's not that I'm scared of talking with people....it's just so tiring!

I could have written this.

I enroll my kiddo in flag football and soccer for littles, but, man, I get tired just listening to the other parents chitty-chat.
I just kind of stand off to the side, nod/smile at their comments, and watch mine play/practice....and sigh with relief when the coach has the parent/child practice portion and we all go to our own child to kick the ball around with.

I also force myself to take my kid to the park in the evenings to play with others and get some more interaction, but I dread the days when there are strange parents there. I almost audibly groan when one of them comes to sit next to me and strikes up conversation.

Part of my mind is yelling "they think you're weird cause you don't want to talk to anyone!!! TALK TO THEM!!", but the other part is just CRYING for the peace of solitude.

It's like a constant battle between interaction and solitude with me stuck in the middle being pulled both directions...
Can't wait to get my copy of that book from Amazon; the validation will be S-w-E-E-T!!


----------



## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
I could have written this.

I enroll my kiddo in flag football and soccer for littles, but, man, I get tired just listening to the other parents chitty-chat.
I just kind of stand off to the side, nod/smile at their comments, and watch mine play/practice....and sigh with relief when the coach has the parent/child practice portion and we all go to our own child to kick the ball around with.

I also force myself to take my kid to the park in the evenings to play with others and get some more interaction, but I dread the days when there are strange parents there. I almost audibly groan when one of them comes to sit next to me and strikes up conversation.

Part of my mind is yelling "they think you're weird cause you don't want to talk to anyone!!! TALK TO THEM!!", but the other part is just CRYING for the peace of solitude.

*It's like a constant battle between interaction and solitude with me stuck in the middle being pulled both directions...*
Can't wait to get my copy of that book from Amazon; the validation will be S-w-E-E-T!!

That is exactly what it's like! I wonder if extroverts ever have the feeling that maybe they're weird for striking up conversations with anyone no matter where they are.

I don't really mind having a little chat with someone while waiting in line at the grocery store because I know the conversation is going to end once I make it through the line. But I feel really uncomfortable chatting with other moms at the park because it's a lot more open-ended. And I'm probably a really evil person for this, but I avoid going out in my front yard if I see neighbors outside.







It's not that I dislike them...I just don't want to have to engage in a bunch of small talk.


----------



## mystic~mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 







: My dh actually said the exact same thing to me yesterday!! My girls' riding stable called yesterday to confirm (for the 1000th time!) when their lessons were and when I grumped to my dh about having to call them back, he rolled his eyes and said that I just needed to get used to it and get over it. Grrr!!!

DP tries to get me to make calls that he could make and I quote "It will be good practice for you..."


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
DP tries to get me to make calls that he could make and I quote "It will be good practice for you..."










Oy. I have PTSD from these words. Lol.

My dad always made me make his calls for him while I was growing up...guess he thought I just needed to "get over it". Thankfully he understands now that I CAN do it, I just really, really, really prefer not to. Giggle.
I do this to my son now, but he ENJOYS it.









*I'm curious...how many of you are only children and how many of you have siblings.*
I'm an only and turned out this way...maybe this is addressed in Introvert Advantage, but I'd like to see what the numbers are here on this thread.
Would you mind telling?


----------



## Sustainer

I have an older brother.


----------



## savannah smiles

I have one older sister.


----------



## mariamadly

Only child. DH too -- we carry it differently.


----------



## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
DP tries to get me to make calls that he could make and I quote "It will be good practice for you..."










Mine does this too, and it's so annoying!







I'm an adult - I know how to use the phone, I just hate doing it! Plus sometimes he tells me this big long list of things to ask about and then gets mad when I forget one or two of them or don't ask what he considers to be appropriate follow-up questions.







I just want to tell him, if you know what you want to ask and what you want clarified, YOU make the call, especially since you could have done so in the time it took to explain to me what you wanted me to ask!
















ETA: I have two younger siblings, one brother and one sister. My sister is also an introvert, but my brother I think is probably an extrovert. My parents are introverts as well.


----------



## marimara

I am the oldest of one brother and one sister.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 

*I'm curious...how many of you are only children and how many of you have siblings.*

I grew up with an older brother (3.2 years) and a younger sister (3.3 years).
When I was 19, I met my other younger brother (he was 12) and my other younger sister (she was almost 6).


----------



## principii

I'm the oldest of four.


----------



## Purple Sage

I have an older brother and five younger half siblings, most are introverts. My parents are both introverts.


----------



## treehugz

Everyone in my family is an introvert - mom, dad, 1 brother, 2 sisters, and me. I believe in Introvert Advantage, the author suggests that there are genetic reasons for introversion/extroversion.

My dh is a shy extrovert, so he hates the phone as much as I do. (I think when we were dating I misread him as an introvert.) I usually wind up making the calls and answering the phone.

I'm also curious about how those of you with extroverted partners make it work... specifically when it comes to just having a simple conversation. Talking with other extroverts about chit-chatty meaningless stuff, with long tangents, quick witty replies, and constant interruptions can really drain me... but when it's my own husband, the one person in the whole world I should be able to talk to and who I really need connect with, it can really bring me down. I feel like I never get a word in and just listening to him wears me out... and if we're arguing, he thinks so quickly on his feet that I can't respond fast enough ... so my brain just spins and spins for hours after we argue while I'm coming up with counterpoints (too late). Does anybody else have this problem, or is it just weird me and my weird dh??


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Everyone in my family is an introvert - mom, dad, 1 brother, 2 sisters, and me. I believe in Introvert Advantage, the author suggests that there are genetic reasons for introversion/extroversion.

Hmm, see. I will be very interested in that chapter when my book comes in.
I was just curious about the siblings part because most/almost all of my family are extroverts...well, my dad is an extroverted introvert (mostly extro) and I'm an only child so I was trying to figure out how I ended up so introverted and thought that might be a reason.

::shoulder shrug::Strange.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I'm also curious about how those of you with extroverted partners make it work... specifically when it comes to just having a simple conversation. Talking with other extroverts about chit-chatty meaningless stuff, with long tangents, quick witty replies, and constant interruptions can really drain me... but when it's my own husband, the one person in the whole world I should be able to talk to and who I really need connect with, it can really bring me down. I feel like I never get a word in and just listening to him wears me out... and if we're arguing, he thinks so quickly on his feet that I can't respond fast enough ... so my brain just spins and spins for hours after we argue while I'm coming up with counterpoints (too late). Does anybody else have this problem, or is it just weird me and my weird dh??









Well, I don't know if my husband is extroverted or not. I know he's more apt to be more outgoing than I am. But he just doesn't care at all what other people think of him and I do. His arguments used to wear on me, but I just don't engage in them if I find them ridiculous and unimportant. I just walk away.


----------



## mariamadly

Treehugz! Me, too!!!







:

DH is also a shy extrovert who neeeeeeeds to verbalize while I need to ruminate but then have to have at least a chance to say my own piece. He misinterpreted the M-B and tested as an I all these years until I recently blurted out to him that he isn't but I am, and am in fact the only one in the family. This after over twenty years of marriage and rearing children to almost adulthood.

He is working very hard to draw out what I'm carrying; he's also seen the toll it's taken here over the long run with my not having had the chance to air concerns, opinions, etc. He knows me less than he wants to because between his extroversion, our offspring (extroverts, too!), and my tendency to withdraw, there hasn't been much of me showing my insides.

When I get overwhelmed, I ask him if we could table whatever-it-is and touch base through email. Gives each of us time to be thorough and to absorb what the other sent; we sometimes even do this when we're both home. What works most is DH realizing that it's happening and trying to find a way to make room for me, and me paying attention to the traffic between us so I can speak up for more balance.

Still a work in progress. Aren't we all?


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
DH is also a shy extrovert who neeeeeeeds to verbalize while I need to ruminate but then have to have at least a chance to say my own piece. ... He knows me less than he wants to because between his extroversion, our offspring (extroverts, too!), and my tendency to withdraw, there hasn't been much of me showing my insides.

Yes, exactly!! I can't imagine how hard it's been for you to feel that way for twenty years. We used to do more email communication for serious discussions, and things seemed to go better... we'll have to try it again.

I have no problem telling dh what I think about the small stuff and practical day-to-day business, but he can go on and on about that kind of stuff and it wears me down. I'm withdrawing to the point where I just don't want to share with him anything that's deep or important to me anymore. What I think about things and how I feel about things are these little treasures that I tuck away somewhere inside... I don't want to share them with somebody who's just going to gloss over them and not appreciate them. It's ironic I guess... I'm 100% introvert according to the tests, but I long for one other person who I can share my deepest thoughts with.


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz*
if we're arguing, he thinks so quickly on his feet that I can't respond fast enough ... so my brain just spins and spins for hours after we argue while I'm coming up with counterpoints (too late). Does anybody else have this problem, or is it just weird me and my weird dh??









My dp and I are both introverts. I don't usually think of myself as someone who can think quickly on her feet, but when I'm arguing with him, I do think quicker on my feet than he does, and he's actually the one whose brain just spins and he doesn't respond (which makes me feel like he's ignoring me). You and my dp would probably sympathize very well with each other.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

I got my book last night.







:

How sad is it that I cried after just reading the Prelude. Lol.









*Love this book so far. Thank you SO much for the recommendation!*

I hear ya'll about extro partners. I've always been attracted to them, but can't maintain the connection cause I'm so inward.

I once tried to explain to my ex that I was like a computer that's connected to a network and that sometimes I just have to pull my plug for a reboot and a battery charge, but he just saw me as selfish and I suffered alot of shame from that relationship.

Quote:

When I get overwhelmed, I ask him if we could table whatever-it-is and touch base through email. Gives each of us time to be thorough and to absorb what the other sent; we sometimes even do this when we're both home.
I love this idea. I wish we'd have considered doing this. I'm so slow witted during an argument that I resort to sarcasm...and that doesn't make anybody happy.


----------



## DownToEarth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I have no problem telling dh what I think about the small stuff and practical day-to-day business, but he can go on and on about that kind of stuff and it wears me down. I'm withdrawing to the point where I just don't want to share with him anything that's deep or important to me anymore. What I think about things and how I feel about things are these little treasures that I tuck away somewhere inside... I don't want to share them with somebody who's just going to gloss over them and not appreciate them. It's ironic I guess... I'm 100% introvert according to the tests, but I long for one other person who I can share my deepest thoughts with.

I feel like that. Everyone around me are extroverts and I don't feel I can talk to any of them. When I try, they either make me feel like my issue aren't important or it becomes about them (my mom in particular is bad about this). So over the years I have just kept everything to myself. Sometimes I wish that there was just one person that I could share things with. Part of it's made worse by my social anxiety and shyness.


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I have no problem telling dh what I think about the small stuff and practical day-to-day business, but he can go on and on about that kind of stuff and it wears me down. I'm withdrawing to the point where I just don't want to share with him anything that's deep or important to me anymore. What I think about things and how I feel about things are these little treasures that I tuck away somewhere inside... I don't want to share them with somebody who's just going to gloss over them and not appreciate them. It's ironic I guess... I'm 100% introvert according to the tests, but I long for one other person who I can share my deepest thoughts with.











I feel like I belong here - hope it's ok if I join.

I just read the whole thread (at work - oops) and have been nodding my head the whole way. Treehugz, what you posted is exactly how I feel! I long for a deeper connection with my hubby but I feel I'm slowly starving on shallow, superficial chit-chat. Anytime I try to talk deeper with him, he gets this deer in the headlights look and I withdraw more.

No answers but I just wanted to tell all you ladies how grateful I am that there are others like me, and that maybe I'm not just broken! I wish there were more of us b/c it'd be great to meet people in my area who are fine with a limited friendship...that sounds so bad though!

Sorry for being so long winded...I keep it in for so long that when I talk it goes on forever.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 









I feel like I belong here - hope it's ok if I join.

I just read the whole thread (at work - oops) and have been nodding my head the whole way. Treehugz, what you posted is exactly how I feel! I long for a deeper connection with my hubby but I feel I'm slowly starving on shallow, superficial chit-chat. Anytime I try to talk deeper with him, he gets this deer in the headlights look and I withdraw more.

No answers but I just wanted to tell all you ladies how grateful I am that there are others like me, and that maybe I'm not just broken! I wish there were more of us b/c it'd be great to meet people in my area who are fine with a limited friendship...that sounds so bad though!

Sorry for being so long winded...I keep it in for so long that when I talk it goes on forever.









Welcome!







:

I just found this thread too so I'm new as well....but HI!!









I wish there were more of us too.
Have you see the book recommendation: Introvert Advantage? I just got mine and I'm already half way through it....very good, interesting book!!


----------



## tabby1678

Hi Happily!









I've been taking notes while reading this thread and I've now got The Introvert Advantage, Introvert Power, and The Loners Manifesto on hold at the library.









Can't wait to get them in!

Does anyone else feel sick and tired of always pretending to be what you feel others want you to be? One day I dream of being brave enough to quit giving a damn and just be "out" about my reclusive, eccentric ways. I feel like I have to put on a front, mostly at work, but I think the older I get the less convincing I am.









Anyone else have problems blending in at work?


----------



## William's Mom

Just found this thread today.

My dh and I are both introverts, and so is our ds (our only child).

Looking forward to being in this Tribe.


----------



## DownToEarth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
Does anyone else feel sick and tired of always pretending to be what you feel others want you to be? One day I dream of being brave enough to quit giving a damn and just be "out" about my reclusive, eccentric ways. I feel like I have to put on a front, mostly at work, but I think the older I get the less convincing I am.









Anyone else have problems blending in at work?

I fee exactly the same. I've tried really hard to blend in my whole life, but I haven't succeeded very well. In a past job, when everyone would go out after work, I felt like I had to go so they wouldn't think I was weird or anti social. But I was never comfortable. They were all so extroverted and the more they drank the crazier they got and the more I wanted to go home.


----------



## tabby1678

Welcome William's Mom!







:

DownToEarth, I know how you feel about not having a confidant that you can completely open up to. My Mom probably understands my shyness better than anyone, but I can't help but feel like I'm burdening her when I try to talk to her about it. So it stays bottled up.

And it's hard to open up to people when I'm already 95% convinced I'm bugging them by talking to them.







I'm sure there are plenty of introverts who just don't want to bother others with how they feel.


----------



## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 

Does anyone else feel sick and tired of always pretending to be what you feel others want you to be? One day I dream of being brave enough to quit giving a damn and just be "out" about my reclusive, eccentric ways. I feel like I have to put on a front, mostly at work, but I think the older I get the less convincing I am.









Anyone else have problems blending in at work?

I am most definitely sick and tired of trying to be what others expect of me, and I'm so ready to embrace my inner recluse!







: It literally makes me giddy to think of living my life true to all my eccentric ways.









I'm not working outside the home right now, but I did have a hard time fitting in with my coworkers when I was working. We all got along fine, but I was known as the one who never went out socially with anyone. They might have thought I was strange, but I didn't care.


----------



## savannah smiles

I totally hear what so many of you are saying about communication with extroverts being problematic. I'm lucky in that my dh is an introvert but he does have the need to talk through things on his mind over and over and over again so he does about 90% of the talking in the relationship.

With the world at large, I find it frustrating to deal with some extroverts because when I talk, I want to be heard , much as I've listened to them w/ their near constant talking. It rarely seems like I am heard, which could just be a perception problem. Their quick responses tend to make me think their not listening, but maybe they are and can just respond faster. *sigh*


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I am most definitely sick and tired of trying to be what others expect of me, and I'm so ready to embrace my inner recluse!







: It literally makes me giddy to think of living my life true to all my eccentric ways.









I'm not working outside the home right now, but I did have a hard time fitting in with my coworkers when I was working. We all got along fine, but I was known as the one who never went out socially with anyone. They might have thought I was strange, but I didn't care.










hehe, it makes me giddy too! Every once in a while I treat myself to calling in sick to work even though I'm perfectly fine just to spend the day with no husband, no coworkers, no sensory overload. Bliss!









And these are people I like! I just like most people better from a safe distance.


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 
I totally hear what so many of you are saying about communication with extroverts being problematic. I'm lucky in that my dh is an introvert but he does have the need to talk through things on his mind over and over and over again so he does about 90% of the talking in the relationship.

With the world at large, I find it frustrating to deal with some extroverts because when I talk, I want to be heard , much as I've listened to them w/ their near constant talking. It rarely seems like I am heard, which could just be a perception problem. Their quick responses tend to make me think their not listening, but maybe they are and can just respond faster. *sigh*


Does it bother you that whenever you do have something you want to be heard, they don't seem truly interested in it - instead they just nod politely then talk more about themselves?

I'm the sounding board for some of my coworkers whenever they have a problem, and I like listening to them and ask a lot of questions to show I'm interested. But when I (very rarely) have something I want to share, I'd appreciate if they sounded at marginally interested.


----------



## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
Does it bother you that whenever you do have something you want to be heard, they don't seem truly interested in it - instead they just nod politely then talk more about themselves?

I'm the sounding board for some of my coworkers whenever they have a problem, and I like listening to them and ask a lot of questions to show I'm interested. But when I (very rarely) have something I want to share, I'd appreciate if they sounded at marginally interested.

I can totally relate to what you're saying.







I've experience the same things myself.


----------



## Starflower

Hi newcomers.









Whew! Too tired out from play dates to please extroverted child this week.

For the family of origin question:

I have one younger brother. Don't know if he's in/ex - he talks a lot but doesn't have many friends. Parents? A mix, possibly leaning introvert? Not sure. I'd always wanted to be an only child. My brother got all energies and attention and connections from my parents. I felt left on my own to struggle unsupported. (Dad was an alcoholic and brother was undiagnosed bipolar, so hard to tell how things may have been if we'd been a functional family.)

When I was a kid and I needed to talk to my mom about something it was always hard to get to the point I could tell her things. My brother always interrupted everything - to the point of us having to lock the door to keep him out physically, so we could have private time together, but he'd still bang on the door and I'd just give up. Maybe he is an extrovert. In any case, everything seems to be about him. That's why I hate it when he calls me. He won't shut up. Thankfully, his calls are rare. Now when he calls, I have started to tell him I have an appointment or such and have to leave in 30 minutes so I can get him off the phone more easily.


----------



## tabby1678

Gah Starflower, your brother stresses me out just listening to that! I have a few people in my family like that, but I think they gave up on me years ago. LOL

PurityLake - you live in Alaska, right? In my wildest recluse dreams I live in Alaska - do you like living there? Have you always lived there?


----------



## Aurora

Hello everyone









I am extremely introverted and I am finally at a place in my life where I like that about myself.







I am also very shy and I seem to be a Highly Sensitive Person. I am an INFJ.

My dh and 3 of my 4 children are extroverts. I often dream of heading to a hotel by myself.







Sometimes I think of taking my poor little 5yo ds with me. (He is also an introvert and Highly Sensitive.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *principii* 
I'm the oldest of four.









Me too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 

I have no problem telling dh what I think about the small stuff and practical day-to-day business, but he can go on and on about that kind of stuff and it wears me down. I'm withdrawing to the point where I just don't want to share with him anything that's deep or important to me anymore. What I think about things and how I feel about things are these little treasures that I tuck away somewhere inside... I don't want to share them with somebody who's just going to gloss over them and not appreciate them. It's ironic I guess... I'm 100% introvert according to the tests, but I long for one other person who I can share my deepest thoughts with.









I feel the same way. *sigh*

I am so grateful I found you all!


----------



## Aurora

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
PurityLake - you live in Alaska, right? In my wildest recluse dreams I live in Alaska - do you like living there? Have you always lived there?

This is my wild recluse dream too.


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aurora* 
This is my wild recluse dream too.











Hey Aurora! I think that 90s show Northern Exposure is responsible for my love of Alaska - until I found out Cicely doesn't actually exist.







Oh well, a girl can dream.


----------



## Aurora

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 









Hey Aurora! I think that 90s show Northern Exposure is responsible for my love of Alaska - until I found out Cicely doesn't actually exist.







Oh well, a girl can dream.









I LOVE that show! I have the first 4 seasons on DVD. I love how everyone is so quirky.


----------



## geek_the_girl

I love this thread








I am a definite introvert. So is my dh and dd.
The only extrovert I can think of in my family is my dad.


----------



## mom2allofthem

WOW! Now I know why I'm the way I am. If I don't get my alone time, I'm a total grouch.


----------



## A&A

My BIL and SIL will be in town this weekend. They're both very talkative, outgoing people and they drain me!


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aurora* 







I LOVE that show! I have the first 4 seasons on DVD. I love how everyone is so quirky.

That's awesome!!! I got my hubs into it, and I knew we were right for each other when we both unknowingly bought each other Seasons 1&2 for Christmas! You're right - there are so many unabashedly quirky characters!


----------



## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2allofthem* 
WOW! Now I know why I'm the way I am. If I don't get my alone time, I'm a total grouch.


Me too, but I never really gave it much thought before. I picked up Introvert Power at the library today and I've enjoyed the first couple chapters. The author stresses how being introverted isn't bad, just not as accepted in western society. She says we do a disservice to ourselves when we don't give ourselves time to recharge. Good to know!

I'm so glad I saw this thread and you all got me thinking about this - it's great to come to some sort of acceptance of being the way I am.







:


----------



## Samm

Hi everyone!

I'm curious about something. I was a at a funeral for a really good friend's father . . . and I was thinking, could the whole wake/funeral process be any worse for a grieving introvert? I grieve in private, period . . . and then to have to make mindless chit chat with people who are uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say, but feel they have to talk to you







:

Anyone else feel the same??

Samm


----------



## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
Does it bother you that whenever you do have something you want to be heard, they don't seem truly interested in it - instead they just nod politely then talk more about themselves?

I'm the sounding board for some of my coworkers whenever they have a problem, and I like listening to them and ask a lot of questions to show I'm interested. But when I (very rarely) have something I want to share, I'd appreciate if they sounded at marginally interested.

For me, I tend to get bothered by the fact that the whole time I'm talking, it seems like they're simply waiting for their chance to talk as well instead of really hearing what I have to say. Which is, now that I'm thinking about it, exactly what you said above. Just doesn't make it worth my while to talk most of the time, lol!


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samm*
could the whole wake/funeral process be any worse for a grieving introvert? I grieve in private, period . . . and then to have to make mindless chit chat with people ...

Funerals don't do a thing for me. They don't help me at all. If anything, they make it worse. They just upset me.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
My BIL and SIL will be in town this weekend. They're both very talkative, outgoing people and they drain me!

Good luck! At least it's just for the weekend - they will go home. I hope you get some good downtime in between conversations. Find an errand to do alone or something? Having company really stresses me out, even if it's people I really like.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
Me too, but I never really gave it much thought before. I picked up *Introvert Power* at the library today and I've enjoyed the first couple chapters. The author stresses how being introverted isn't bad, just not as accepted in western society. She says we do a disservice to ourselves when we don't give ourselves time to recharge. Good to know!

I'm so glad I saw this thread and you all got me thinking about this - it's great to come to some sort of acceptance of being the way I am.







:

I just finished this book and dropped it off at the library tonight. (Had to because someone else had a hold on it - see we're out here!) I really liked the book. The author seemed very authentic and it was personal - a book by a real introvert, easy to relate to.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samm* 
Hi everyone!

I'm curious about something. I was a at a funeral for a really good friend's father . . . and I was thinking, could the whole wake/funeral process be any worse for a grieving introvert? I grieve in private, period . . . and then to have to make mindless chit chat with people who are uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say, but feel they have to talk to you







:

Anyone else feel the same??

Samm

I avoid funerals whenever possible. The last time I attended one was about 17 years ago, and I had a panic attack.

I prefer to grieve on my own, in my own way - and not with other people. I'd rather be alone than have a shoulder to cry on. I hate being emotional in front of other people. It just feels too vulnerable.

*
And here's something good that happened today:* _Extrovert DD and I had a rough day today. I was grumpy. DH came home and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I paused a moment and said, "actually, I'd like to go out for dinner - by myself." He wished me a nice dinner. I grabbed a burrito but didn't feel like being in the hub-bub of a restaurant, so I got it to go and listed to BBC World News in my car. Then I went to the library. I felt much better, DD and DH had some time together and everyone was in a better mood when I got home._


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## Autumn C.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samm* 
Hi everyone!

I'm curious about something. I was a at a funeral for a really good friend's father . . . and I was thinking, could the whole wake/funeral process be any worse for a grieving introvert? I grieve in private, period . . . and then to have to make mindless chit chat with people who are uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say, but feel they have to talk to you







:

Anyone else feel the same??

Samm

Finally! Someone who understands! I Hate funerals WAY more than I hate parties. Amd I don't like parties.


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## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
*
And here's something good that happened today:* _Extrovert DD and I had a rough day today. I was grumpy. DH came home and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I paused a moment and said, "actually, I'd like to go out for dinner - by myself." He wished me a nice dinner. I grabbed a burrito but didn't feel like being in the hub-bub of a restaurant, so I got it to go and listed to BBC World News in my car. Then I went to the library. I felt much better, DD and DH had some time together and everyone was in a better mood when I got home._

Good on you! Being in a library is so heavenly. You are expected to be quiet - glorious!


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
*
And here's something good that happened today:* _Extrovert DD and I had a rough day today. I was grumpy. DH came home and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I paused a moment and said, "actually, I'd like to go out for dinner - by myself." He wished me a nice dinner. I grabbed a burrito but didn't feel like being in the hub-bub of a restaurant, so I got it to go and listed to BBC World News in my car. Then I went to the library. I felt much better, DD and DH had some time together and everyone was in a better mood when I got home._









:

People I know would call me very weird for thinking that this sounds like pure heaven!!! LOL.
















Funerals...hmm, I haven't been to many at all, luckily, but I'm the same. Being around people when I'm super emotionally heightened it pure torture.
Hand in hand with parties....


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## HappilyEvrAfter

This might have been posted already, not sure.

Sorry if it has, but it goes more indepth on the personality types...

http://www.personalitypage.com/


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## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
Funerals don't do a thing for me. They don't help me at all. If anything, they make it worse. They just upset me.

When I'm grieving, I appreciate some hugs and sharing feelings with loved ones for a short time, but funerals are way too much. I feel everyone else's pain along with my own. Even if I wasn't close with the person who died, I end up a sobbing mess.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 

*And here's something good that happened today:* _Extrovert DD and I had a rough day today. I was grumpy. DH came home and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I paused a moment and said, "actually, I'd like to go out for dinner - by myself." He wished me a nice dinner. I grabbed a burrito but didn't feel like being in the hub-bub of a restaurant, so I got it to go and listed to BBC World News in my car. Then I went to the library. I felt much better, DD and DH had some time together and everyone was in a better mood when I got home._

I have done that too and loved it! Dinner and a movie by myself. I got to the theater early and sat in the parking lot listening to music in the car and sipping my milkshake.







:

The sibling question: I have one sister, 2.5 yrs younger. She is extremely extroverted. We went camping together, and she got bored at night and went walking around trying to make new friends with the other campers! That is not something I would ever do. In a zillion years. She's the kind of person who has to be talking to someone all the time. We drive each other crazy. She has always thought there's something wrong with me, or that I have low self esteem or something. I think after 30 yrs, she finally realizes that I am fine. Just different than she is. She is very concerned with how other people think of her, while I'm not. She has hundreds of acquaintances, but few true friends. My parents are both on the introverted side. My mom more than my dad, but I think neither are as much as me. My oldest DD is an innie for sure. My other DD seems to be too, but I could see her being more comfortable with people once her speech gets better.


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## Princess ConsuelaB




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## HappilyEvrAfter

Does anybody know a good book on an *introverted parent* raising an *extroverted child*?

Almost of all my internet searches lead to speical parenting books geared toward raising an introverted child.


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## CinderSnoop

I just had to join in on this thread once I found it, and that is so not like me. I am either ISTJ or ISFJ, but mostly ISTJ and heavy on the "I". In addition to that, I have always been somewhat shy. It's only within the last year that I've realized how much I've allowed the two to feed into each other. I'd be afraid to do something, so I'd convince myself that I just don't like people, but I do -- just in smaller doses. DD had her first full weekend away from home this past weekend and DH had to work, and I do love them both, but it was pure heaven for me to have so much alone time for the first time in so long. I have read both Introvert Power and Introvert Advantage and definitely recommend them both. There is a small chapter on parenting in Introvert Advantage, but I'd like to hear about any additional books on parenting an extrovert as well because I am so far introverted that having a borderline DD is a pretty major challenge for me.


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## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Does anybody know a good book on an *introverted parent* raising an *extroverted child*?

Almost of all my internet searches lead to speical parenting books geared toward raising an introverted child.

I'm interested in this, too.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Does anybody know a good book on an *introverted parent* raising an *extroverted child*?

Almost of all my internet searches lead to speical parenting books geared toward raising an introverted child.

Add me to this list as well. I am just kind of making it up as I go along.

I don't know of any except that _Kids, Parents and Power Struggles_ touches on this briefly with a few tips. It's by the author of the _Spirited Child_ books (Mary Sheedy Kurcinka). She explains intro and extro very well in there - especially in kids. I already pretty much got the intro kid stuff because that was me, but the book did help me learn a bit more about my extroverted DD and why she does what she does. She also explains more about Thinking vs. Feeling types which I also found helpful.

So far, it's helped a lot that DD has learned to read. We can now have reading time together where she is quiet and engaged yet close by which she desires. Sometimes she still interrupts a lot, but she's working on that. She just wants to share. I get her audio books from the library regularly and she listens to them over and over. Sometimes to the point it drives me crazy so I think it's time to get her a personal CD player so she doesn't have to use ours that's in the living room. The weird thing is that DD will read books to herself while listening to books on CD. That drives me nuts. Not sure if that's a learning style thing or anything to worry about, but sometimes I just have to have NO NOISE in the house and make her turn it off. I think the quiet gets to her as much as the noise gets to me! It's definitely a challenge to be an innie and parenting an outie. Mine is an only as well, so it's nearly impossible to get her as much social time as she prefers.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
The weird thing is that DD will read books to herself while listening to books on CD. That drives me nuts. Not sure if that's a learning style thing or anything to worry about, but sometimes I just have to have NO NOISE in the house and make her turn it off. *I think the quiet gets to her as much as the noise gets to me!* It's definitely a challenge to be an innie and parenting an outie. Mine is an only as well, so it's nearly impossible to get her as much social time as she prefers.

Bolding is mine. I have an only as well...AND I'm a single parent.
This is so true with us as well. I tried to institute "reading/quiet hour", but it drove my son nuts...which, in turn, drove me even more batty.
Instead we walk down to the park and I read while he's playing with all the kids. We stay there until the sun goes down and then we spend our quality time together from then until "lights out". This will be great until winter comes...not looking forward to that.

Thanks for the two suggestions. I've read those and they were good, but I would love to have a whole book dedicated to an intorvert parent with an extroverted child. Ugh.
I always feel like I'm having to make up parenting tricks on the fly to cope with my introversion.

On another note, after I read that section in Introvet Advantage about how introverts get weary because they take in so much information from their surroundings, I noticed at how much I pay attention to EVEYTHING around me at once.
Are you guys the same way? I can focus on something right in front of me, but my senses are BOMBARDED with everything from the birds, to the kids screaming a street over, to the barking dog, and the person in front of me.
Even at work...I hear everything around me. It's like I don't have a good enough filter.
I mean, I'm not scatterbrained or anything. I can narrowly focus...it's just that everything else gets in around that focus as well and I'm forced to process it as well.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm highly sensing and feeling too.

Do extroverts not have this problem? Can they tune all that out and suck energy from what's right in front of them?

I guess I'm not really asking for an answer...just musing...need somewhere to put introvert thoughts that nobody around me understands.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:

"I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."








:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

I think I'm becoming the extrovert of this thread!


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## LucyRev

I am really sensitive to sound too. When I watch TV, I keep the sound as low as possible. My DH bought this ridiculous speaker system with a subwoofer for his computer, and I absolutely hate it. The bass is so loud, it upsets me. Our "hobby room" has his rack of computers and my sewing stuff. I don't even like sewing in there because of the electrical buzz and the hum of all those machines, plus the portable A/C unit now that it's been hot. I want my own room! A nice quiet one. Maybe a totally separate outbuilding! I feel visually bombarded in stores so I have to focus on just the thing I am looking for, and I get in people's way because I don't realize they are there. Oops.









When my kids fight and scream, I think the noise is more upsetting to me than the fact that they are upset with each other.


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## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I am really sensitive to sound too. When I watch TV, I keep the sound as low as possible. My DH bought this ridiculous speaker system with a subwoofer for his computer, and I absolutely hate it. The bass is so loud, it upsets me. Our "hobby room" has his rack of computers and my sewing stuff. I don't even like sewing in there because of the electrical buzz and the hum of all those machines, plus the portable A/C unit now that it's been hot. I want my own room! A nice quiet one. Maybe a totally separate outbuilding! I feel visually bombarded in stores so I have to focus on just the thing I am looking for, and I get in people's way because I don't realize they are there. Oops.









When my kids fight and scream, I think the noise is more upsetting to me than the fact that they are upset with each other.

Ditto, ditto and ditto! My dh spent a lot of money on our "theatre room" and he lives in there and doesn't get why I don't dig on the HUGE tv and surround sound speakers. Sometimes I like it for watching a movie, but it's just too much for regular tv. I don't need to feel like Jon and Kate are right beside me on the couch when I'm watching their show, you know?


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## Starflower

I would love a book like you describe, HappilyEvrAfter. I'm beginning to think that one of us will have to write it though.....


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## savannah smiles

Oh hey, I keep meaning to share this story with y'all because I figured this is one of the few places where people would "get" it, lol!

So, my grandmother was once married to a man who was a bootlegger (of gin, I believe). This was before they were married, btw. Anyhow, he got caught and sent to prison for several years. What's funny to me, is that he would often act out or be disruptive so that he would be put in solitary confinement - the one place most people try to avoid! Of his seven years in prison, he spent about 5 total in solitary by choice saying that he found the other inmates really annoying. I laughed when I heard the story because I can see the allure of solitary myself, lol!


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## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 
Oh hey, I keep meaning to share this story with y'all because I figured this is one of the few places where people would "get" it, lol!

So, my grandmother was once married to a man who was a bootlegger (of gin, I believe). This was before they were married, btw. Anyhow, he got caught and sent to prison for several years. What's funny to me, is that he would often act out or be disruptive so that he would be put in solitary confinement - the one place most people try to avoid! Of his seven years in prison, he spent about 5 total in solitary by choice saying that he found the other inmates really annoying. I laughed when I heard the story because I can see the allure of solitary myself, lol!

That is funny...because I think I'd have done the same thing!


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## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
On another note, after I read that section in Introvet Advantage about how introverts get weary because they take in so much information from their surroundings, I noticed at how much I pay attention to EVEYTHING around me at once.
Are you guys the same way? I can focus on something right in front of me, but my senses are BOMBARDED with everything from the birds, to the kids screaming a street over, to the barking dog, and the person in front of me.
Even at work...I hear everything around me. It's like I don't have a good enough filter.
I mean, I'm not scatterbrained or anything. I can narrowly focus...it's just that everything else gets in around that focus as well and I'm forced to process it as well.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm highly sensing and feeling too.

Do extroverts not have this problem? Can they tune all that out and suck energy from what's right in front of them?

I guess I'm not really asking for an answer...just musing...need somewhere to put introvert thoughts that nobody around me understands.

I am the same way. Dh doesn't understand why I get so frazzled when he's telling me something (usually a long-winded story or his "thinking out loud at me" - total extrovert) and the baby's crying and the 2yo is asking for something and the TV is on. I just can't take it! And then dh is like "what is wrong with you?" and there's no trying to explain it to him. He just doesn't get it.


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## tabby1678

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I am the same way. Dh doesn't understand why I get so frazzled when he's telling me something (usually a long-winded story or his "thinking out loud at me" - total extrovert) and the baby's crying and the 2yo is asking for something and the TV is on. I just can't take it! And then dh is like "what is wrong with you?" and there's no trying to explain it to him. He just doesn't get it.

Yep, dh doesn't get why I seem so irritated in the mornings...when he gets up all he wants to do it chatter happily (at the top of his well-developed lungs of course) at me while I get ready in the bathroom. Our bathroom has really good acoustics and by the time I get to my car to go to work I'm practically running to get away from his voice.







:


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## Purple Sage

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tabby1678* 
Yep, dh doesn't get why I seem so irritated in the mornings...when he gets up all he wants to do it chatter happily (at the top of his well-developed lungs of course) at me while I get ready in the bathroom. Our bathroom has really good acoustics and by the time I get to my car to go to work I'm practically running to get away from his voice.







:

You have my sympathy! My dh has a naturally loud voice, too, and he loves to talk.


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## treehugz

it sure is hopping in here for an introvert thread!!!





















:





















:







:

my extroverted dh is also very LOUD ... and he always complains that our tv is too small ... and that the music needs to be louder. i wish he had a separate outbuilding where he could put all his stuff and play his loud music and watch an enormous tv and have his friends over ... and i could sit in my house in peace and quiet for once.

purple sage, love your story. i joke with my husband sometimes when i'm doing something he doesn't like that he can just haul me off to jail and put me in solitary confinement. that usually gets an eyeroll.


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## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
You have my sympathy! My dh has a naturally loud voice, too, and he loves to talk.

Yes, mine too - he doesn't have an "indoor voice" when it comes to the phone, it's always top volume.









Little Eleanor is showing signs of being an extrovert too, which should be quite the experience as she gets older. She already takes after DH much more than me in her appearance, and she seems to be taking after him in personality as well.


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## DownToEarth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
On another note, after I read that section in Introvet Advantage about how introverts get weary because they take in so much information from their surroundings, I noticed at how much I pay attention to EVEYTHING around me at once.
Are you guys the same way? I can focus on something right in front of me, but my senses are BOMBARDED with everything from the birds, to the kids screaming a street over, to the barking dog, and the person in front of me.
Even at work...I hear everything around me. It's like I don't have a good enough filter.
I mean, I'm not scatterbrained or anything. I can narrowly focus...it's just that everything else gets in around that focus as well and I'm forced to process it as well.
I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm highly sensing and feeling too.

This is very much me. I try to tune other stuff out, but it just doesn't happen. I have been know to read the same page of a book and still have trouble processing what I've read, if there is too much background noise. Sometimes if I want to tune out the world, I can turn on my MP3 with the headphones. That cuts down how much excess noise I hear and have to process. It definitely helps me from getting to overwhelmed.


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## Sustainer

Not only does my dp have a deep voice, but since I was raised by a single mother, I didn't grow up hearing a man's voice and I'm not used to it. I keep trying to explain to dp that he needs to lower his volume because it almost scares me.


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## savannah smiles

Just got back from taking the kids to the skating rink. Loud music, bright lights, and several busloads of camp kids really did a number on me. I found myself yelling at dd1 over some very minor things once we got home.







I only do Chuckie Cheese once a year and I think I'm going to put the skating rink on the same schedule.


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## mermaidmama

Hi! I'm also an introvert.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
On another note, after I read that section in Introvet Advantage about how introverts get weary because they take in so much information from their surroundings, I noticed at how much I pay attention to EVEYTHING around me at once.
Are you guys the same way? I can focus on something right in front of me, but my senses are BOMBARDED with everything from the birds, to the kids screaming a street over, to the barking dog, and the person in front of me.
Even at work...I hear everything around me. It's like I don't have a good enough filter.
I mean, I'm not scatterbrained or anything. I can narrowly focus...it's just that everything else gets in around that focus as well and I'm forced to process it as well.

This is me as well, I can focus tightly but I am always taking in everything around me. Right now I'm _alone in my living room_ typing this but I am acutely aware of...my children's conversation (upstairs) and dd's cough,the show they have on television(upstairs), the details of their game, the cat taking a bath nearby, my neighbor smoking outside, the cars on the highway...down the hill, the hum of the computer and the energy coming off of it, refrigerator and the electric "hum" of the walls,the scents of dust soap and me, the chugg of a train and it's whistle (track is almost a mile away), the smilie guys moving on the side and bottom of my screen(I don't touch-type so I'm looking at my keyboard lol) the light from the kitchen, the light being on in the bathroom upstairs, the light being on in the utility room(why are so many lights on?) the "tick" sound as the metal sides cool down on my dryer, the static from the just turned off downstairs tv, and the creak and "feel" of my wood bookshelves settling.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
Hi! I'm also an introvert.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
Hi! I'm also an introvert.

















Hi!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
Hey I'm wondering about something, anyone, I had an ultrasound yesterday, 1st time ever and I was wondering if any other introverts were sensitive to it. Afterwards I felt woozy and needed to rest and recover, or maybe it's just a HSP thing.

I imagine it's more of an HSP thing, but I wonder if most HSPs may be introverts? Be interesting to find out.

I don't remember noticing anything with ultrasound, but I _cannot_ wear a Blue Tooth headset. I just feel icky and weird and then get a headache. I could feel it just having it powered on, then it got worse when a call would come in and I could feel a physical sensation in my ear and head that would last until call would turn off then I'd pull the thing off my ear. YUCK! I tried using one for about a week or less before I decided to give it to someone else. I now have a wired headset for use when traveling. (Been avoiding the phone lately though because of the introvert thing.







)

I also have always hated going to stores like Radio Shack and never thought that much of it since I'm not much into electronics. However, the last time I went to one, I was looking for a battery for a remote for our DVD player. I had to call DH to ask him to check the size again or something. I used my cell phone with no headset. I swear between the phone and all the other EM's bouncing around in that place, I thought my head was going to explode. It was awful. I had to get off the phone ASAP and get out of there. By the time I'd purchased my battery, I almost felt sick.

In hindsight, I think it was more than just "not being into electronics" that made me dislike those types of stores. Come to think of it, I don't mind watching movies or TV or using a computer, but going to a TV section of a large box or dept. store has always bugged me. Some of it is the flashing images, but perhaps it's more than that given the number of sets they have on at one time.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

*Warning* this is going to be long. Please stop reading if I'm sapping your energy, but I need to vent this out to someone who "gets" it.

Right now I am suffering from a severe alone-time deficit.







Does anyone understand what I mean? My dh is working nights now so he is home all-day-long...and he's not doing anything like he normally would(no projects, no errands etc) so he's just. sitting. here. in the living room with the tv on(loud) or on the computer or....y'know...talking to me







which might not be so bad normally but my two kids are also home...and in the same room...and talking to me...so that's three different conversations *AT* me at the same time, and well, we are four people in a very small four room apt....only for some reason they all need to be in the same room all of the time...and that room is "wherever I happen to be".

And just to give an idea, well...

My kids are old enough to get their own breakfast in the morning and are expected to, they are fine with this and it works well so that dh and I can sleep a little bit more. But recently, say over the last two weeks my dds have taken to..._before_ I even wake in the morning they start taking turns popping their heads in and waking me(oh, and dh







) up to ask questions an average of every 6-10 minutes(I timed it recently), I'm talking questions like "is there any underwear in the dryer?"(huh? umm...look!?







: ) to "can I ask B to play later today?"(could have waited until later today?) to "Mom there's a new cat in the yard!"(







). They need our attention obviously, they aren't being _bad_ but they _are_ waking me out of dead sleep at the outset so it's over and over for maybe an hour while I loll in and out of consciousness until I can drag myself up (I don't wake easily so it really is difficult if I don't wake naturally).

So because they are interrupting me before I'm up I am already starting the day at an "alone" deficit kwim? Then I take my shower(while the girls knock on the door a few times to ask me stuff) -by which time dh is up, and when I come downstairs before I even sit down with my morning beverage they all three descend on me, chatting *AT* me as previously mentioned, a mile a minute with their concurrent monologues trying to outloud each other. If I happen to sigh(and I usually do







) Dh scolds the girls with a "Girls! Girls! Let your Mom have her coffee before you start jumping on her!" then turns around and continues whatever he was saying without letting me sit down with my coffee...and at this point the other two jump back in. If I talk back they do not hear me as they are too busy talking. This happens every. single. morning. and it continues for the rest of every single day. It is starting before I get up in the morning, and it doesn't end until Dh has left for work and about an hour after the girls go to bed(they keep talking to me from bed, then they keep talking to each other for awhile). In fact my dd was away at the park with friends for hours the other day and managed to talk to me in a near constant stream on the walkies and phone....she was not even home







In addition for the last two weeks the kids have been passing an illness back and forth, so I haven't even been having that quiet alone-time at night that I relish(and need) because of bringing up medicine or water or tea, and they've been calling for me at night and not sleeping well. So right now, it's pretty much 24 hours of being "needed" and constantly interrupted thoughts. I haven't been able to be alone to recharge at all. I am operating from a depletion of energy and have begun to answer to any hails with "WHaAaT!?" or "No!", I think I may have actually _snarled_ at one of them today







:

The "deficit" comes in when the balance between dd/dh's "need" for my attention and my "need" for quiet and introspection becomes seriously tipped...so I start "pushing" them away. I know they want me and I desire to help them and love on them all and give them what they need, but I have to have some self care...it is really and truly a need, so I "push" which makes them try harder for my attention, so I pull away harder, which makes them clamor even more...but unless I can get a moment to myself to regroup and refresh and recharge I can not give them what they need...because I simply don't have anything left, and they don't understand this(well of course the kids don't, kids need what they need, but I would hope dh could). It's just a vicious cycle I'm stuck on right now and I honestly do not have anything left in me, I think I could actually scream.I'm really on edge, or I would be if I wasn't so tired.







It's so built up that I can't even really just go to a coffee shop or whatever, I really need to be completely alooone and I'm fantasizing about running away. Won't do it but well...it's a pleasant dream.

So does anyone understand this feeling or reached this state before...or have I actually lost my mind?







I know that as soon as I can pull together some Melanie time I'll be fine!

If you made it, thanks for listening


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## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
Hi mermaidmama, nice to see you here...

Hey I'm wondering about something, anyone, I had an ultrasound yesterday, 1st time ever and I was wondering if any other introverts were sensitive to it. Afterwards I felt woozy and needed to rest and recover, or maybe it's just a HSP thing.

I don't remember the ultra-sound bothering me particularly. Giant powerlines and the x-ray at the dentist wipe me out though.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Princess ConsuelaB* 

The "deficit" comes in when the balance between dd/dh's "need" for my attention and my "need" for quiet and introspection becomes seriously tipped...so I start "pushing" them away. *I know they want me and I desire to help them and love on them all and give them what they need, but I have to have some self care...it is really and truly a need, so I "push" which makes them try harder for my attention, so I pull away harder, which makes them clamor even more...*but unless I can get a moment to myself to regroup and refresh and recharge I can not give them what they need...because I simply don't have anything left, and they don't understand this(well of course the kids don't, kids need what they need, but I would hope dh could). It's just a vicious cycle I'm stuck on right now and I honestly do not have anything left in me, I think I could actually scream.I'm really on edge, or I would be if I wasn't so tired.







It's so built up that I can't even really just go to a coffee shop or whatever, I really need to be completely alooone and I'm fantasizing about running away. Won't do it but well...it's a pleasant dream.

So does anyone understand this feeling or reached this state before...or have I actually lost my mind?







I know that as soon as I can pull together some Melanie time I'll be fine!

If you made it, thanks for listening









Bold is mine. I have _totally_ felt this way. I've been really grouchy at DD lately and have really been trying to watch it because the pushing away does just create more need, but it is really hard. Heck, even our needier _dog_ was bugging me today because he kept whining at me and wouldn't leave me alone. (My DD was also sick today and had the TV on most of the day or a book on tape or I was reading to her.) Sigh.

Could your DH take the kids somewhere for a few hours just so you could get a little time to yourself without having to drag yourself to a coffee shop or what-have-you?

I have a recurring fantasy about going to a hotel for a night by myself. Several people on this thread mentioned this earlier - a good fantasy and a good idea in general if you have child care and funds to do it.

Here's what worries me though - DH is really good about me getting out for an hour here and there. I take long trips to the grocery store because I like being by myself - he doesn't usually mind. Once in awhile he'll take DD somewhere (though paradoxically, it's hard for me to let go when he does).

But this is where I get into a problem. The alone-time I do get feels _addictive_, like I can never get enough. I often wait until the last minute to come home and have to psych myself up for re-entry. I do miss my DD and I am really missing couple time with DH right now. But I still feel like I just want more time to myself. Like I've reached burn-out or something. I feel guilty about this. Sometimes because I am afraid this feeling won't go away. I suppose in some ways it won't just go away, because it really is a maintenance issue - I will always need some time to myself, preferably regular intervals. I'm just not very good at regulating this. I tend to do everything for everybody until I am ready to pop then I get some time to myself.

I think this pattern is more mine than anything DH is doing. He is almost always available for me if I need a break (or we can work something out for the next day or so). But I have a terrible time scheduling time for myself. When I have tried in the past, I often get stuck either mindlessly wandering about in public for lack of anything else to do (which has it's good points, but I'm not always in the mood for this) or I end up inviting myself along on some family thing or suggesting one at the last minute. Definitely self-sabotaging here. I think maybe I need to ask DH to take DD out for a few hours every weekend or something. It would be good for them to have time for just the two of them and I could use the chill time at home.


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## mariamadly

Right with you re alone time deficit . . . I need enough sleep, but I have to have some time ALONE while awake, too, and can't imagine my state if the interactions started before my day did!

The other thing that's a struggle is my resentment of my darling extrovert family. I have the option of taking off pretty much whenever I want, with their cheerful encouragement and interest. But I'm a homebody!!! I HATE having to leave my own home to escape the incessant interaction. Kids do need what they need, but I lose patience more easily when DH seems blind to mine. I own what I need, but I didn't get married to be the only one to get it for me.







:


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## savannah smiles

To address the issue of never getting enough time alone to truly recharge, I can honestly say that until dd1 was in school and dd2 was in preschool 3 mornings a week, I always felt hungry for time alone. This summer I had them both in camps every other week because having the both home and having to keep them quiet and/or occupied so my dh can work (he works from home) almost drove me insane the past two summers. With camp and with school/preschool, I can "count" on having that time alone at home (not counting my dh) and that has made a world of difference. A lot of time my bad moods are because I just don't know when I'll get the solitude I crave and I start to worry that it will be never. Now I know.


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## Sustainer

A question for my fellow Highly Sensitives: Am I alone in my dislike of roller coasters, scary movies, and kids pushing you REALLY high on the swing when you were little?


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## Starflower

I was afraid of roller coasters for awhile, then decided they were fun. My uncle went with me. I'd probably get sick if I went on one now though. I hated scary movies (though now I like the occasional psychological thriller if its not gory). I preferred adults to push me on the swings because kids always did it crooked. Swings now make me a little sick though. My somewhat HSP DD doesn't like to go high either.

When I was in jr high or so, I started getting panic attacks which I believe were brought on by my inability to process stimuli. I used to get "sick" at the fair and at the mall. By the time we were halfway home, I'd feel fine. I didn't know what was happening. I am very aware of my environments now and choose very carefully when I place myself in highly stimulating situations. I need to have a place to get away if only for a few minutes and afterward I need downtime.


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## MommyMichele

I'm a part of this tribe! I'm very fortunate to have a husband who, though more socially-inclined than I, also has introverted leanings and understands my need to have regular peaceful quiet time to myself.

I have only had time to read a few posts of this thread, but I wanted to say hi and sub to make sure I don't lose it.

To answer the recent question:
I like roller coasters.
I hate scary movies.
I don't recall being pushed on the swing by other kids when I was a kid.


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## Sustainer

I'm curious: How many of us live in the country for the privacy and to avoid the stimuli of the city? Or want to?


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## MommyMichele

I live on 1/3 acre in a suburb of a small city right now, but I look back fondly at the pre-parenting days my husband and I lived in a city apartment and walked everywhere.


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## Starflower

We live on the edge of the boonies right now in a suburb.

This was due to economics. We'd actually like to be in the city, but it costs too much. I think I could do the urban lifestyle, but I'm not going to do it without good family friendly walkable areas and I don't feel like our area is there yet. It would have to be a West Coast city though. I didn't like visiting NYC except for the museums.

I lived in the country before too. It was nice but a little too deserted. I kind of like knowing other people are around if I needed them, but not having to interact with them all the time. Sometimes I think I'd rather live in a small town in the mountains, but that would make DH's commute even worse. So here we are.


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## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Bold is mine. I have _totally_ felt this way. I've been really grouchy at DD lately and have really been trying to watch it because the pushing away does just create more need, but it is really hard.

But this is where I get into a problem. The alone-time I do get feels _addictive_, like I can never get enough.

Yes, and yes! Sometimes when I am totally depleted, I really have to force myself to just give 30 seconds more to get the kids satisfied for a few minutes so I can regroup. Not a fun place to be mentally.

Regarding being addicted to alone time, this has been on my mind a lot lately too. I think that I can never get enough alone time because it can take me so long to wind down and switch gears. DH works late, my kids are night owls, and we homeschool. Sometimes there seems to be no end in sight besides my one set night a week that I get a few hours to myself. I can spend that whole chunk of time just soaking up the quiet or in grocery shopping zen. But it isn't enough to just have peace and quiet. I need to get to a point where I can do something mentally stimulating and productive. Something that feels nourishing for my brain and my soul. I usually sew, but I find I need to do more and more challenging projects, or design my own patterns to really feel recharged. Lately writing has been helping, but not just blabbing on MDC. Really writing. I have to pay attention to whether or not what I am doing is "filling up my cup", or just giving me an escape.


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## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I have to pay attention to whether or not what I am doing is "filling up my cup", or just giving me an escape.

I know what you mean. This sentence makes a lot of sense to me. I often find myself spending my limited alone time doing things that don't actually help me out or "filling up my cup". This is something I have to work on..


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## Dreamy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I have to pay attention to whether or not what I am doing is "filling up my cup", or just giving me an escape.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
I know what you mean. This sentence makes a lot of sense to me. I often find myself spending my limited alone time doing things that don't actually help me out or "filling up my cup". This is something I have to work on..

Wow - I've just started coming to this realization recently, so it's funny to see it articulated here! A few months ago I started crocheting up a storm, and am now learning to knit. I also enjoy crafting posts for and redesigning my blog. I find these passtimes so much more fulfilling than my days spent just browsing message boards and playing computer games. They make me calmer and more centered.

I've just come off of two weeks vacation, and I'm sad to say it was exhausting







I love DH and DS, but being "on" for them 24/7 has left me drained. Luckily yesterday DH arranged plenty of alone time for me, since I crashed and burned on Saturday (MAJOR panick attack). The solitude of my cubicle at work is so calming... I feel just awful about it







In my heart I want to be a homeschooling SAHM full of inspiration and imagination, but in my mind I know I couldn't hack it. I'm really sad about that... Kudos to those of you who make it work!


----------



## Dreamy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I'm curious: How many of us live in the country for the privacy and to avoid the stimuli of the city? Or want to?

I grew up in the country and hated being so isolated. Now I live in the city and crave the calm of the country







I don't think I would give up my current city/suburb life though - plenty of friends and activities for the kids, quick access to health care, and we're not a far drive from some rural areas for weekend visits.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Hi all!! Just got done catching up on all the new posts....

Quote:

I know they want me and I desire to help them and love on them all and give them what they need, but I have to have some self care...it is really and truly a need, so I "push" which makes them try harder for my attention, so I pull away harder, which makes them clamor even more...
I can relate to this 100%. I have always REALLY wanted to be "in the now" for my son since I'm a single mom. Want him to be the center of my attention but could never quite get there...feel like I'm always daydreaming or zoning. I truly was thinking that it was because I'm a bad mom or just wasn't meant to have kids. It's been a little weight of my shoulders to find out who/what I am and try to accept that this is going to be a part of any relationship in my life.
And a part of my accepting it is to try and not take my crankiness out on those around me...cause I can be a bear. I have to recognize it and supress it until I can get what I need through lunch at the library, up after his bedtime, a day off from work alone...whatever it takes.

Quote:

...or maybe it's just a HSP thing.
I don't _think_ of myself as highly sensitive, but I truly think those kinds of things zap me. Maybe it's the underlying electric noise they emit.
When the electricity goes out for any reason I can DEF. tell a noise difference in the house.
May be why I've never been a tech junkie. I have two tvs and on DVD player in the house. That's it.
When I was married we had ALL kinds of electronics and it drove me nuts.

I love roller coasters and scary movies though....just not a constant stream of them.

Quote:

I'm curious: How many of us live in the country for the privacy and to avoid the stimuli of the city? Or want to?
Not in the country right now (active duty military), but I would love to live right on the cusp of a mid-size city. Just outside the city enough that I could shut the world off.
I can take it all in doses, but I HAVE to have somewhere to be _*oblivious*_. Gosh, I love that word....OBLIVIOUS.









Sigh, most of the time I still feel like I'm the middle child who has Isolation for an older sibling and Chaos as a younger sibling. Lol. YNWIM?






















I feel like I'm in a constant state of inner battle between wanting to be what society expects from me, but being unable to give my addiction of solitude and quiet. I'm sure I've posted that before.

Quote:

But this is where I get into a problem. The alone-time I do get feels addictive, like I can never get enough.
*YES!!!!*
My son was away for the summer and, though I wanted him home everyday, I felt a sense of regret and loss when he whirled back into the house. I felt SOOOOO guilty. How could I want him home and want him gone at the same time?!?!?
It was extremely difficult finding a new balanace...still is, actually.
Guilt for feeling this way is one of my biggest inner peace zappers right now.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. It felt good just to have somewhere to type this all out after the past chaotic weekend and first day of school.


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## MollySunshine

I know I'm late to the discussion but...are you reading my mind? LOL Sounds just like me!


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
But I'm a homebody!!! I HATE having to leave my own home to escape the incessant interaction. Kids do need what they need, but I lose patience more easily when DH seems blind to mine. I own what I need, but I didn't get married to be the only one to get it for me.







:

Another homebody here. Since my dd was born, I've had extremely little alone time at home... probably less than 10 hours total. And she was born 18 months ago!!! We live somewhat in the country and it's a 30 minute drive to anywhere, so dh doesn't ever just take dd out. It's really hard because I lived alone for years and now the three of us live in a 700 sqft house and there's not one square foot of it where I can escape or call my space.


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## mystic~mama

hey mamas ~ I live in the country, finally, after all my life in the city...today is my first of 4 days off and I am SO glad. I now work in a natural market and while the social interaction is "good for me" (my partner and friends have said this and I agree) I look so forward to times at home although I do find myself wanting to get out like today I am taking DD and two friends to the pool...which is a win/win because I do not have to go in (chlorine is one reason) and DD will have playmates and have way more fun so I can sit and read my book.

My DD is more extroverted than me so it is helpful to her that I am getting more social and we are meeting more people ect... her getting older forces me to do that more because I want her needs to be met.

I wanted to come here and ask you if any of you experience feeling like you don't easily hit it off with people and maybe people take more time to warm up to you than other people. I have experienced this myself. People have told me they thought I was snobby or something but once they got to know me they liked me. I feel like that now working in the market, I feel awkward at times but I see it all as good even though I may feel very dorky at times...it all teaches me I guess.

peace mamas


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## Starflower

Welcome to MDC, MollySunshine









MysticMama - I very much can relate to what you said about not easily hitting it off with people.

When I do small talk with people I often feel awkward and a bit dorky - or I feel overly self-aware. I felt this way today at DD's friend's b-day party. But what's really silly is that it's not like these other people I just met were all that interesting either. And it's not even like I wanted to get into a deep conversation with any of these new people, so I don't know why I got worried about it.

I was quiet for a bit, and after awhile, I felt like I should try to join in a conversation. But then I decided that really, I didn't want to be in that conversation. I think a lot of times, I try to act like an extrovert in social situation. In fact, I often feel like I am acting a part in a play as a way to get through these types of interactions.

When I realized I didn't want in on the conversation and instead just felt "obligated" I changed my focus to just watching my DD have fun and catching up with a few people I already knew when they came up to me.


----------



## SusieRain

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfroggy* 
can i join? i'm such an introvert i might not post much but i would love to be here and not feel so alone in my introvertedness. lately i find myself worrying that i may be to introverted to really be able to homeschool my child but he is still very young so it isn't an issue yet. anyone here super introverted and homeschool?

me! me! I hs my 4 children - ages 2-8 - and am pg w/ #5. hsing DRAINS me - that is why I am here right now looking for others in a similar situation!


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## NewMom11

Wow, that clears a few things up for me. I've always been hesitant to say if I was introvert/extrovert. Sometimes I feel more like one than the other but right now I feel too drained to deal with any social encounters. So I've been at home today. I'm feeling the introvert side more than usual.


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## NewMom11

I totally hear you! If I don't think that I'm "clicking" with someone then I'd rather avoid the awkwardness and just be alone.


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## Sustainer

I've heard that people with certain personality types have a higher chance of being picky eaters, and it certainly applies to me. Any other picky eaters?


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## mystic~mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I've heard that people with certain personality types have a higher chance of being picky eaters, and it certainly applies to me. Any other picky eaters?

this is a great question...wanting to hear the answers : )


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## Starflower

Picky? Me? But of course.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

Our dsl died sometime Friday night and I am just getting back on now.







Dh took a couple of extra days off this past week, which at first just made my burnout worse







eventually over the course of four days things quieted down and I think I actually got about 30 minutes to myself yesterday







It was enough for me to make it back to "human".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Could your DH take the kids somewhere for a few hours just so you could get a little time to yourself without having to drag yourself to a coffee shop or what-have-you?

*I've been begging him,* outright*, he won't take the hint! He used to do it when they were younger, lately he has been more reluctant and I understand that he is also exhausted...but dang!*







:

But this is where I get into a problem. The alone-time I do get feels _addictive_, like I can never get enough.

I know how it can be addictive. I do find that unless I'm _completely_ burnt out(my state last week when I posted) an hour or two really does refresh me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
I have the option of taking off pretty much whenever I want, with their cheerful encouragement and interest. But I'm a homebody!!! I HATE having to leave my own home to escape the incessant interaction.

Right there with you on that one!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *savannah smiles* 
To address the issue of never getting enough time alone to truly recharge, I can honestly say that until dd1 was in school and dd2 was in preschool 3 mornings a week, I always felt hungry for time alone. This summer I had them both in camps every other week because having the both home and having to keep them quiet and/or occupied so my dh can work (he works from home) almost drove me insane the past two summers. With camp and with school/preschool, I can "count" on having that time alone at home (not counting my dh) and that has made a world of difference. *A lot of time my bad moods are because I just don't know when I'll get the solitude I crave and I start to worry that it will be never.* Now I know.

For me it truly is never, we homeschool!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
*I think that I can never get enough alone time because it can take me so long to wind down and switch gears. DH works late, my kids are night owls, and we homeschool.*

It takes me a lot of time to wind down too(usually shortly before my "time" is up), and yes, yes, yes to all of the above...that's us as well.


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
Thanks for your sharing your thoughts Starflower and Princess ConsuelaB. I can tell from what you wrote, that you got what I was saying from the similar types of things you've experienced. It could well be a HSP thing. Anyways, when I had the US it was good to find out that the baby was happy and healthy in there and that the placenta is well-placed.

Now to mentally prepare for a future new source of activity in the house.







I'm slightly in awe of any introvert mama who has learnt how to balance their introversion needs, with raising a family.

Oh I did just wonder one thing, was it one of those ultrasounds that give a 3-D picture? Because I haven't _had_ an ultrasound since I was pregnant with my 7 year old and that was the old kind. I wonder if the "new" kind would make a difference?







huh, just pondering...

Congratulations on your baby though







:


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
A question for my fellow Highly Sensitives: Am I alone in my dislike of roller coasters, scary movies, and kids pushing you REALLY high on the swing when you were little?

I HATE rollercoasters!
Cringe through scary movies.
I don't remember about the swings, I remember swinging pretty high but not anyone pushing me. I liked the merry-go-round too. I do "fall" over when I see heights in movies though.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I'm curious: How many of us live in the country for the privacy and to avoid the stimuli of the city? Or want to?

I hate living in the country, hate, hate, hate it...even Boise was too much country...ran away screaming and made dh come with me







....but then I grew up in the city. I like living in the city and would like to live in a larger city than I am in, but poor DH would be as nuts as I was in the country. My dh(also introvert) loves the country, the city not so much, but then he grew up in the country.

OTOH even in the city I don't necessarily want to be buzzing around soaking up extravagant overstimulation


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## jrabbit

picky eating ... haha. understatement of the century. people ask me what "will" I eat, rather than what i "won't". I try, really, I do try. It's even harder to be a parent when I have all these food issues. I don't want my kids to grow up with the same level of
"ostracized" that I felt regarding food. As an adult, I can deal, but it really sucked as a kid. It doesn't help that we're vegetarian, but about half of our social circle is veg, too.

I tend to stagnate at home. I'd really rather not go anywhere, and it totally drains me to go. However, I would absolutely love having company. I want people to come to me! Well, not 100, but 1-2. I want to live in a communal setting. Someplace with like-minded extroverts who can do the "going" places. But who will also come to me, so I can get my fix on social interaction.

We homeschool BECAUSE of my introversion. I am lazy. I don't want to TAKE my kids to school. I'll do what I have to in order to provide them with a quality education and respond to their needs, but on a much less demanding schedule. It would literally kill me if I had to be in a PTA, but to not be involved in their education would push me over the edge, as well. I've joined 2 homeschool groups this fall, but I can already tell it's going to be tough. Both introductory meetings were overwhelming to me. Too many kids in one place. Time will tell.

--janis
(I have 3 girls - 9, 5, & 7 months)


----------



## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jrabbit*
picky eating ... haha. understatement of the century. people ask me what "will" I eat, rather than what i "won't".

Yeah, I'm the same way. The list of foods I dislike is SO long, and so many of them are *really* common foods that people put in everything, like peppers. I think people find me to be a real pain in the neck. People are always asking me why I say I "can't" eat certain foods and they ask me if I'm allergic. Well, no, I'm not allergic, but it's more than just not caring for it. It's a very strong aversion. I honestly don't think I could keep/get it down.

Quote:

I want to live in a communal setting.
My dream is to have a circle of widely spaced dwellings in the woods, occupied by like-minded folks, with a larger structure in the center. When people want to be alone, they stay in or near their own dwelling. When they want to be with others, they go to the communal structure in the center.

Quote:

We homeschool BECAUSE of my introversion. I am lazy. I don't want to TAKE my kids to school.
I hear you on what a pain in the neck public school is. I thought my life was going to get easier when my oldest started school. Instead it got MORE stressful. I totally freaked out.


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## savannah smiles

I've had a very draining week here at home. We're having a rather elaborate patio built so I've been dealing with construction noise from early morning to 6pm or so at night. The worst is when they're cutting stone with a saw!







: It's so loud that there's really nowhere in the house when I can totally escape it. One week down, two more to go.







I almost lost it when my dh informed me that they'll be here on Saturday and Sunday as well. I just need a break from the bustle and noise. *sigh*

On the topic of picky eating, I'm not very picky. I have a stomach of steel, apparently! I am very sensitive to smells so that can get me in trouble sometimes. I have to smell my glass before I'll drink out of it and smells that bother me (such as frostbitten ice or a stale rag) don't seem to bother anyone else I know.


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## NappyMama32

Yes, I am a INFP. While I like getting together with people, it really tires me out to socialize. I prefer having an interesting conversation with one or two people versus, a superficial one with a group (or one person for that matter). Small talk is very painful and I hate doing it and don't believe I am even good at it!


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## renny

Can I join you guys? I'm definitely introverted. INFP, every time I've taken the test, every version I've taken.


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## Samm

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
My dream is to have a circle of widely spaced dwellings in the woods, occupied by like-minded folks, with a larger structure in the center. When people want to be alone, they stay in or near their own dwelling. When they want to be with others, they go to the communal structure in the center.

I love this! I've always told my husband I want to live in an intentional community with people with VERY good boundaries!

I hear you on what a pain in the neck public school is. I thought my life was going to get easier when my oldest started school. Instead it got MORE stressful. I totally freaked out.











Samm


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## SusieRain

Often, I get overwhelmed by my kids when they are all together. I do very well with my children 1-on-1 or 1-on-2.... but when there are 3 or more of them, I get a little crazy in my head. Anyone else? I LOVE having as many children as I do (and would love more too!) but my tolerance level gets reached much faster if I don't get that 1-on-1 time to really connect with them.


----------



## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *renny* 
Can I join you guys? I'm definitely introverted. INFP, every time I've taken the test, every version I've taken.


Welcome!! Please feel free to join in whenever the mood strikes you.









I went over to cafepress to see what they have for introverts and found a lot of cute shirts and magnets that I'm tempted to buy, lol!


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## renny

I think my favorite shirt is "You read my t-shirt, that's enough social interaction for one day" Really, I like to socialize a bit, I'm just picky about who with, and I need to decompress afterwards.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *renny* 
I think my favorite shirt is "You read my t-shirt, that's enough social interaction for one day" Really, I like to socialize a bit, I'm just picky about who with, and I need to decompress afterwards.









That's really funny! I'll have to go check these out.


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## Starflower

I like this one.

http://shop.cafepress.com/design/12586550


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## marimara

So I've been doing more research into the MBTI stuff because the INTP didn't sit with me perfectly and I retested and it also says ENTP, so maybe not an introvert after all! Maybe I have social anxiety. The thing is, apparently with xNTPs, is that they are both pretty cerebral and spend a lot of time upstairs. But I do enjoy socializing with people that I like and I go out of my way to talk to people. The event that spurred all this for me was I recently met some true Introverts and I realized that I am much more social than they are. I feel like I am always the one who wants to get together. At the same time though, I don't like crowds and despise small talk. Supposedly ENTPs are the most introverted of the extroverts. Well, I'll keep on this thread though since I seem to be on the fence between E/I.


----------



## renny

That t-shirt wasn't one I saw at the link. I think it might be on thinkgeek.com, but I can't remember exactly. (thinkgeek.com is one of the main sites I check shirts from, so that would be my best guess.)


----------



## aelf

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
But I do enjoy socializing with people that I like and I go out of my way to talk to people. The event that spurred all this for me was I recently met some true Introverts and I realized that I am much more social than they are. I feel like I am always the one who wants to get together. At the same time though, I don't like crowds and despise small talk.

I'm an introvert, but my husband sounds very much like you. He definitely gets energized from being around people -- but they need to be people of his choosing. He gets frustrated with small talk & he "can't stand annoying people" so he ends up being quite picky about who he spends time with. I think if he didn't live with an introvert, and see how different we are, he'd view himself as more introverted.

At first I thought our daughter was an introvert. But in the past year (she's 6) she's started showing some extroverted signs (when around people of her choosing she definitely ends up energized!). It's been interesting to see the evolution.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Yeah, I'm a picky eater too...or just boring.
I have no problems sticking to a core menu of foods for longer periods of time. Variety isn't necessarily the spice of life for me.

^5 to those of you that can homeschool. I'd be too wiped out.
Spending the day in my cubical at work is one of my guilty pleasures.
















Love my kid, but he's to extroverted too be stuck at home with a drained, impatient momma.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 

Love my kid, but he's to extroverted to be stuck at home with a drained, impatient momma.

This is why we're doing our grand experiment this year: part-time homeschooling with part-time democratic school. I'm nervous about it, but DD and I are also both excited about it.

Our next conundrum - Not sure how to do weekends!

DD is an only and we don't see other kids much on the weekends. By the end of the day yesterday (Sunday), she was in a _very_ foul mood even though she _did_ have a play date on Saturday. If I feel "addicted" to getting time to myself, then DD seems "addicted" to being with people more often. Every time either of us gets some of our preferred time, we seem to just want more. I think I got close to satisfying my balance this weekend. However, DD did not and was very grumpy. When I offered to play with her, she complained that she didn't want to play with a grown-up, she wanted to play with KIDS!

This drive in her is very strong. Yesterday, she left the back yard through the side gate _without asking_ or telling me and went to the neighbors' house because she heard their kids in the yard. (DD is 6.) We went out the front door looking for her just as she was coming up to the door (they were not out front as she'd expected). She was only out of site for maybe 5 minutes, and I had an idea of what she had done because she's tried this before, but we cannot let her do this without our knowledge. (I'm open to ideas for consequences for next time. We talked about it and how would she feel if I just up and left without telling anyone, but I think we need to have a definite consequence lined up in case she tries this again.)

I took her to the park to try to meet her need for playing with other kids, but there weren't any other kids there. (It was kind of late and public school is starting soon here.)

I am hoping to get her more interested in going to church, but she isn't crazy about the Sunday school program. There are lots of kids her age there, so I think if she had a few friends there it would help meet her need for being with more people on the weekends. I really hope when her school starts in 3 weeks it will help feed her extroverted needs.


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## AbigailGrace

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
So I've been doing more research into the MBTI stuff because the INTP didn't sit with me perfectly and I retested and it also says ENTP, so maybe not an introvert after all! Maybe I have social anxiety. The thing is, apparently with xNTPs, is that they are both pretty cerebral and spend a lot of time upstairs. But I do enjoy socializing with people that I like and I go out of my way to talk to people. The event that spurred all this for me was I recently met some true Introverts and I realized that I am much more social than they are. I feel like I am always the one who wants to get together. At the same time though, I don't like crowds and despise small talk. Supposedly ENTPs are the most introverted of the extroverts. Well, I'll keep on this thread though since I seem to be on the fence between E/I.









This is me to a TEE!! I just found this thread and was beginning to think maybe I don't belong until I read what you wrote! I classify as an extrovert but I must be " the most introverted of the extroverts" too.

My dh is an entertainer/comedian and I enjoy being behind the curtain!! I can go to parties because I can hide behind him and just join in if and when I feel comfortable. But I have to be in a really good mood to go in the first place. Also, my dh likes to have people over as someone else was saying. It energizes him and drains me. I do enjoy it but meeting new people is hard on me. And I hate 'forced' small talk.

I think part of my issue, if you want to call it that, is living around so many "fake" people when I was married to my ex. I hate having to "fake" a smile when I'm not feeling good and acting like everything is wonderful. Don't get me wrong... I'm not a negative person, but I hate all the rhetoric of people saying, "I'm blessed!", "Everything's peachy!", etc. Why can't people just be honest? Maybe it's because most people who ask "how are you?" really don't want to know? UGH! I'm sounding like I don't like people at all! haha!

What sums me and dh up is that we just try to be "real". I would rather people remember me for being 'real' and 'honest', then to always have an answer for everything. I don't mind answering someone with "idk" or "I'm not sure what I feel about that." I guess that goes back to not liking small talk. Okay, is this OT????????







Oh well, thanks for letting me ramble...







I think it's that kind of morning for me.


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## mystic~mama

We had a parade and very small festival in our town today, I found it so draining...

I think these were invented by Extroverts for Extroverts.

Thoughts?


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## Samm

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
We had a parade and very small festival in our town today, I found it so draining...

I think these were invented by Extroverts for Extroverts.

Thoughts?









:

We just came back from an art festival and we are all CRABBY here. Too.many.people!


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## ithappened

hi-

can I join in?









I'm a ISTJ... living abroad in a country I don't speak the language fluently which only enables my introverted self...


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ithappened* 
hi-

can I join in?









I'm a ISTJ... living abroad in a country I don't speak the language fluently which only enables my introverted self...









Hi! Welcome to the introverted thread.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

I'm alone







Dh took the kids camping









Now I'm finally recharged, but I miss them







I'm never happy


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## Starflower

Princess ConsuelaB

I'll be dealing with the same thing next weekend. Yeah! I'm all alone! Wah! I'm all alone!


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## kooshbob

Oh gosh, I am such a strong INFJ. But my husband, he is far more introverted than I! Sometimes I wonder how its going to affect our kids, but honestly I think we're more reflective and conscientious people for our introversion!


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## Starflower

I seem to be deleting a lot of posts before hitting send these days.

Also questioning whether to keep Facebook or not. I like some of the updates on old friends. It gives me a very easy way to keep up with their lives without having to call them up on the phone. (Most are out of town.)

I might just start weeding people out. I actually check FB pretty much every day, but I rarely post anything. Never feel like I have much to say that matters. And maybe that's the difference between "E" posters and "I" posters. I feel like most of the time, if I say something on there, it should be of some significance, not just online small talk.

Anyone else feel this way? Anyone reduce the number of FB friends or dump it completely?


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## EMS

Hello! Can I join? I am also an INFJ. Have always been an introvert.
Sunflower, I am also living in a country where I don't speak the language completely fluently, so I sympathize with you there.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ella-6* 
Starflower - I've already dumped facebook... after realizing I wasn't getting enough out of it. If I started over I'd be more selective over who I was friends with...

I will probably start out by dumping a couple people off my Facebook list. I doubt they'd even notice if I removed them. I may eventually just drop the whole thing. We'll see.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Nevermind. I'm feeling a little lost in the world today.


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## Starflower

Don't know what you posted, HappilyEverAfter, but here's a







for you.

Me? I am on my own this weekend. DD and DH left for a camping trip without me. I got my period and it's usually awful so camping didn't sound fun. It was hard when they left. I'm not used to being away from DD. I hope they have fun. I love them so much.







DD goes to school next week (switching to democratic school from homeschooling so big changes are afoot at our place). I've been very emotional.

I have a friend coming over for dinner and some wine. Then tomorrow? Probably just me and the dogs in the island of suburbia with no car. The house is trashed though so maybe I'll find something to do. And I want to watch a chick flick or a comedy that is inappropriate for DD.

As for Facebook, I've decided to keep it. Here's why: I had an _awesome_ IM conversation with my best friend from growing up. We even roomed together in college, then kind of grew apart. I've been missing her for a long time since she got married and we both moved far away. I haven't seen her since 1996. She is awful about email much and neither of us likes to call people much. But we did chat last night for a very long time. Even talked about some stuff that she thought was easier on IM because saying some of it out loud would've been too difficult. (Old friend who has died, how her mom treated her in high school - I had no idea, and my crazy messed up family of origin.) Some day when I am feeling like talking, I'll give her a call.


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## Blueone

Hi! Lots of INFJ's on here, I rotate between INFJ and INFP! I've always been a person who hates large groups and prefers small groups. If I don't get some time alone I start to get exhausted and a bit cranky because it's tiring.

Oh, and I saw a bunch of facebook comments, I still have mine but am going to dump a lot of people that I don't really remember. I had a ton of people adding me from high school and for the life of me I couldn't remember them. I have a lot of my and my husbands family on there and that's how they stay updated on our son!


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## Starflower

Welcome, Blueone!









Had dinner and wine with my old friend. Fun time. We watched the movie "Amelie" because she'd never seen it and I love it! I am learning to play the piano music from the movie as well. Our newer dog, who loves DD, seems a bit lost without her here.

Tomorrow is mine.







:


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Has anyone read "Living Introverted: Learning To Embrace The Quiet Life Without Guilt" by Lee Ann Lambert?


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## MommyMichele

I hadn't heard of it, but I looked it up and now I want to read it.


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## Blueone

Never heard of the book, but it sounds interesting!

Tomorrow I fly out to NY. The movers came today so that parts done. I hate flying though. It's not a fear of the flight or anything, it's just running around the airport during layovers and all the people. It's so noisy too. Once the plane takes off it gets better, but before then it's a pain. Anyone else hate flying?


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## HempyHippyMama

I'm so introverted and antisocial that sometimes I think of going to a Drs to see if I have Aspergers. My sister says my mom has it so it would make sense as to why I don't communicate/interact well with others.


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## crabbyowl

: Having studied neuroscience at the master's level and focused on schizophrenia for my thesis, I'm convinced that having a sister and a cousin with schizophrenia is a big part of why I am the way I am in terms of introversion and asociality. It's very common for relatives to have milder forms of some of the symptoms (and this is definitely the case in other mental illnesses as well, although Asperger's isn't a mental illness) - they're known for being a bit eccentric, which is definitely me!









That book sounds really interesting. I also found that the author has a blog about living introverted called "Living Introverted: Embracing and Enjoying the Introvert Life" (http://livingintroverted.com/blog3/) that I'm enjoying. Also, I just realized I didn't read _Introvert Advantage_ but instead I read _Introvert Power_, even though I requested _Introvert Advantage_ from the library.







I enjoyed it very much, though, and definitely recommend it!


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## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HempyHippyMama* 
I'm so introverted and antisocial that sometimes I think of going to a Drs to see if I have Aspergers. My sister says my mom has it so it would make sense as to why I don't communicate/interact well with others.


I went earlier this year to get evaluated for the same reasons. In my case, I was dx with Schizoid Personality Disorder, which is very similar to Asperger's and it's not uncommon for the dx's to get mixed up with these two.


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## kittywitty

Bumping this up.









Personality test results

Ta-dah, your personality type is ISTJ!

Introverted (I) 100%Extraverted (E) 0%
Sensing (S) 50%Intuitive (N) 50%
Thinking (T) 55%Feeling (F) 45%
Judging (J) 73%Perceiving (P) 27%

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mystic~mama* 
DP tries to get me to make calls that he could make and I quote "It will be good practice for you..."










That kills me when dh does this. He's an extrovert and I'm NOT and I always have to make the phone calls. I will beg him and he just thinks I'm being petty.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
*I'm curious...how many of you are only children and how many of you have siblings.*

I was the only child for 8 years and am happily the oldest of 4 (I'm the only girl!). I also have 20+ cousins and my mom was one of 7. They were mostly extroverts but I wouldn't change the big family for anything.


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## Starflower

Bumping our thread here.....

I survived a kids' birthday party yesterday at a bouncy-house place with a bunch of 5-6 year olds. Very noisy, very active, and the party room was crowded. It was my friend's son's b-day. My extroverted DD had a fabulous time. On the way home, she wanted me to tell her a story. Instead, we talked about how the party made her feel full of energy, but made me feel drained.

We've been getting much-needed remodeling done on our house for the past two weeks and DD just started 3 days a week at a democratic school, so our lives have been turned pretty much upside down.

I actually feel quite peaceful today. Last week, I was awful to be around. We've all been so stressed out. New roof, new gutters, had to fix part of the outside of the house due to rot, still need to finish fix, but it's under control now. We were homeschooling, now we are adjusting to DD being at school, granted it's a very unschooly type of school, but it's still a huge adjustment for all of us.

We might make it to the Y tonight for a swim with DD if we can get out pretty soon. Most of our furniture is still pushed into odd places in the house from having a new floor installed. The installer will be back on Tuesday to finish up.

All these changes are good, but it's been super crazy around here. I'll be glad when we can just chill out and I can figure out what I want my life to be like while DD is at school. So far I've just been chasing my tail trying to get things done ASAP because everything has been happening at once.

Now DD is pleading with me for ice cream, so I guess I'll stop here and get on with my day.


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## crabbyowl

We've started going to storytime at our local library, which I like - there are never more than 5 other baby and mom pairs, and little Eleanor loves interacting with the other babies. I haven't had much success talking to the other moms since they seem to get involved in their own discussions so quickly, but that's OK. I like watching the babies play.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl* 
We've started going to storytime at our local library, which I like - there are never more than 5 other baby and mom pairs, and little Eleanor loves interacting with the other babies. *I haven't had much success talking to the other moms since they seem to get involved in their own discussions so quickly, but that's OK.* I like watching the babies play.









I run into this too. I've been going to DS football practices and all the women start chatting about stuff like they never dropped the conversation from last week. They just all get going and start side discussions and it all just feels







to me so I just sit back and let them have at it.























I, too, just end up sitting back, watch the kids, and cheer them on.


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## itsajenism

I've posted here at least once before, but haven't been very active... so Hi again.









Forgive me if this has been covered...








Despite knowing you are an introvert, do you get down on yourself at times because of it? If you do, how do you make yourself feel better?

DH (who is an extrovert) dragged me out to a BBQ/couples thing this weekend with a bunch of people he knows. I've only met these people once before. He usually goes out without me.
It seems to me that every time there is a gathering, the guys group together which leaves the females together... so I'm stuck with a bunch of people I don't know because DH is always off somewhere else.
I feel like I try to join in (often times forcing myself to jump into conversations), but these women also aren't very accepting to new additions to their "group" and there are times I feel like they ignore what I say on purpose or completely avoid me, so I pretty much feel like I'm fucked when it comes to the possibility of ever being able to feel comfortable with these people.

Then DH came up to me at one point and kind of pulled me off to the side and told me that I need to stop looking like such a bitch and maybe someone will talk to me.
He knows how much of an introvert I am, and how difficult it is for me to be thrown into a group of 10 couples that _I don't know_... yet in the midst of being at things like this it seems like he completely forgets and is mean to me about it. Obviously, having the one person I am comfortable with there come down on me isn't going to help, but make it worse.

Now two days later, I'm still feeling crappy and worn out... and have been getting down on myself because at nearly 28 years old I haven't "grown out" of not being able to make friends easily and I haven't "grown out" of feeling uncomfortable in social situations. Sometimes I feel like such a young awkward child because I'm an introvert and I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable being the way that I am.


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## ~PurityLake~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *itsajenism* 

Then DH came up to me at one point and kind of pulled me off to the side and told me that I need to stop looking like such a bitch and maybe someone will talk to me.
He knows how much of an introvert I am, and how difficult it is for me to be thrown into a group of 10 couples that _I don't know_... yet in the midst of being at things like this it seems like he completely forgets and is mean to me about it. Obviously, having the one person I am comfortable with there come down on me isn't going to help, but make it worse.

Now two days later, I'm still feeling crappy and worn out... and have been getting down on myself because at nearly 28 years old I haven't "grown out" of not being able to make friends easily and I haven't "grown out" of feeling uncomfortable in social situations. Sometimes I feel like such a young awkward child because I'm an introvert and I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable being the way that I am.









WOW what your husband did was just wrong.







As I was reading, I thought as he came up to you, you were going to say he asked how you were feeling and maybe was going to ask you to join him in conversation as a way of say to hell with this ridiculous man/woman split. GRRR I can't believe he said you were looking like a bitch without even asking what was going on... I wouldn't look so friendly if people were being such asshats to me and I'd look pretty peeved, no matter who the hell they are.

You shouldn't be worried about how you acted. You should be chewing your husband a new one for how he acted.


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## gumboot_charlie

Ooooh! that's me!!! I'm so glad to have found you all


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## Starflower

Hello and welcome, gumboot_charlie!









itsajenism - Sorry to hear you had to go through that! How awful! I would highly recommend reading "Introvert Power: Why Your Hidden Life is Your Hidden Strength" by Laurie Helgoe Ph.D.

Given what I have heard of your background, I think you would really be able to relate to the discussions in this book by, about and for introverts. There are some other book rec's on some of the earlier parts of this thread, but this is the only I have read so far. I found it very helpful.

It sounds like your DH knows you are an introvert, but doesn't get it at all. Have you talked to him about this particular incident? I found the Introvert Power book helpful in giving me some better ways to explain how I am to people. I know it sounds like I'm really pushing this book, but in reality, I am very tired, should be in bed and don't have any other ideas.

I hope you are starting to feel better soon. BTW, I am almost 39 and I haven't "grown out of it" either. But I am finding ways to become more accepting of myself.








to you. Good luck.


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## Starflower

I just found a blog in Psychology Today that's about introverts. Here's a link to the one where she interviews the author of "Introvert Power."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ntrovert-power

Edited to add: a link to "The Party Predicament" blog entry by Sophia Dembling.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ty-predicament


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## HappilyEvrAfter

*I swear I want to put this on a t-shirt, business card, poster, etc...* (from the link above...thanks for posting that!)

Quote:

SD: What do you most want extroverts to know about introverts?
LH:
*--When an introvert is quiet, don't assume he is depressed, snobbish or socially deficient.*

--If you ask an introvert a question, WAIT until she thinks about it. Introverts think before speaking, not through speaking. If you want to get to the good stuff, you need to slow down.

--Don't assume that your fun is an introvert's fun. Parties are often BOR-ing to an introvert.

--Introverts need to withdraw to refuel. Don't take it personally.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *itsajenism* 
Forgive me if this has been covered...








Despite knowing you are an introvert, do you get down on yourself at times because of it? If you do, how do you make yourself feel better?
....
Sometimes I feel like such a young awkward child because I'm an introvert and I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable being the way that I am.










Ha. I was in this situation with my Ex who was an immense extrovert countless times!! He drained me more than anything else in life.

((((hugs)))) I know your pain.
I can't tell you how many times people have told me that they thought I was a total bitch before they got the chance to really know me. They always say that I come across as cold and snobbish...when really I'm just putting up a mask to hid the total awkwardness, turmoil, and tension inside.

As Starflower said, Introvert Power is an excellent book...for you AND your hubby to read.
Self acceptance is also key....I've calmed down inside a little with accepting that this is part of my genetic makeup and that I don't HAVE to pretend to be and extrovert. I needed to find a way to be happy being me...damn the rest of the extroverts and their overbearing chit-chat parties!!!! LMAO.

It's still hard and sometimes I relapse into feeling like I SHOULD want to gather in the street with the neighborhood and chitty-chat about everyone's buisness. I still go through those days when I feel like an alien in my own life. There are very few solitary people around here (very small community) and some days it's hard to find solitude. I feel like I kind of get lost in the world...

The only way I've found to combat this feeling is researching introversion, doing my hobbies, and finding a way to laugh about my "condition". You just gotta quit beating yourself up about being who you are and work with what ya got. Pleasing other people is WAY over rated, in my newly formed opinion!!!!








(((hugs)))

Sorry, that got longer than I really intended!!


----------



## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *itsajenism* 
Now two days later, I'm still feeling crappy and worn out... and have been getting down on myself because at nearly 28 years old I haven't "grown out" of not being able to make friends easily and I haven't "grown out" of feeling uncomfortable in social situations. Sometimes I feel like such a young awkward child because I'm an introvert and I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable being the way that I am.









Yes, I feel this way a lot of the time after being in social situations with people I don't know. I am comfortable as an introvert, but that doesn't make these situations any easier, especially when everyone else gets to know each other and be comfortable with each other so quickly. It's hard not to feel left out, and it is unpleasant when your extroverted partner "abandons" you to go be the life of the party leaving you bored out of your mind.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Self acceptance is also key....I've calmed down inside a little with accepting that this is part of my genetic makeup and that *I don't HAVE to pretend to be and extrovert. I needed to find a way to be happy being me...*damn the rest of the extroverts and their overbearing chit-chat parties!!!! LMAO.


Bold is mine - I think this is a key to being more at peace as an introvert.

I thought it was cool that Psych Today had an introvert blog.









Today I was enjoying being melancholy. Yes, I do enjoy it sometimes. No, it is not the same as depression.

Some days I feel very introverted and other days I actually like to be more engaged with people. However, I never feel like meeting random strangers. I can relate to the part of the party blog where she described trying to figure out why some parties were tolerable while others were torture. Sometimes I even like getting together with friends that I know in groups of about 10 or so. (More is OK if we don't all have to be in the same space all at once.) This also only works if I am not feeling peopled out.

But put me into a group of people I don't know where I am "supposed" to be having fun? Sorry, meeting a bunch of new people at once is not my idea of fun. Mingling? Not if I can help it. I like my space.

I used to make plans for Friday nights (when I was single and kidless). But often by the time Friday night rolled around, I was already "peopled out" and didn't want to go do my plans I'd been looking forward to earlier in the week. Now I am much more careful about what I put on my calendar.

Even when I _do_ feel like being with people, and spend time with friends by choice, I still need to have down-time afterward to keep sane.


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
Today I was enjoying being melancholy. Yes, I do enjoy it sometimes. No, it is not the same as depression.

I'll second that... autumn is always my favorite time to indulge in a melancholy mood.


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
I've calmed down inside a little with accepting that this is part of my genetic makeup and that I don't HAVE to pretend to be and extrovert. I needed to find a way to be happy being me...damn the rest of the extroverts and their overbearing chit-chat parties!!!! LMAO.

Ditto!! I stop trying to fit in or make friends or make a good impression. I don't need that. If I have to suffer through an event like that, I will make the minimum polite hellos and socialize as long as it's enjoyable for me, then leave. I sometimes drive separately from dh to events like this. If I can't leave, I DO MY BEST TO FIND THINGS THAT INTEREST ME... like sit back and observe the people dynamics, or if it's outside I wander around lookin at bugs or trying to find a four leaf clover, or busying myself cleaning up the dishes, or learning what the host reads about by examining their bookshelves... coffee table books can sometimes work too. I don't ignore people or avoid people in a rude way, but just get interested in other things. The distractions keep me occupied and remind me of what's interesting and important to me and what's not. It keeps me from feeling awkward.


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## treehugz

another question... do any of you struggle with caffeine or sugar dependence/addiction? I remember reading that introverts have much less energy than extroverts and I often feel like I need something to get me going. anybody else or is it just me?


----------



## dmpmercury

I'm glad I found this group. I need to read some posts on here. I have a question. Do any of you get a hard time from other people? Even my husband doesn't understand me and thinks I am a social retard or depressed and I'm not. I am on the extreme end of the introverted spectrum but I don't consider myself shy anymore. I just don't like large group situations or small talk so people think something is wrong with me all the time when I'm not chatty.

My husband thinks I have a mental problem and doesn't think being introverted explains how I am but it really does. He thinks something is wrong with my brother too who is also introverted because he can be very quiet. I actually ok with how I am now. I used to feel more uncomfortable and aviod talking to people compleley and had anxiety regarding social situations. I no longer anxious about it and am more comfortable with who I am.

My dd is also very introverted and every one blaims it on me. It isn't I talk to her and take her out in social situations. It just how she is. I can already tell my1 year old ds is not introverted and more social than her. I grew up in New Jersey where most people are on the far extroverted spectrum which was not a good fit for me. That is how most of my husbands family is.

My mind is active and I prefer to think things out. I am with the kids all day and that uses a lot of my energy so I like to be alone to process things by the end of the day.

I tend to worry about things about the future and don't really act chipper ever and can be quiet and people sometimes think it means I am depressed.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
another question... do any of you struggle with caffeine or sugar dependence/addiction? I remember reading that introverts have much less energy than extroverts and I often feel like I need something to get me going. anybody else or is it just me?

When I know a chaotic event is going to happen I tend to "self medicate" with caffeine.

Generally, I try to stay away from it though because I just find it harder to re-energize afterwards if I'm hopped up on caffeine. I tend to feel better when I *let* myself be sluggish afterwards.

Quote:

My husband thinks I have a mental problem and doesn't think being introverted explains how I am but it really does.
Sigh. Yes, my ex continually told me I needed to be put on an anit-depressant because I just needed to perk up.








I can tell you they don't help because this is not a "condition". In fact, I found that anti-depressants only sank me deeper.

Starflower said it perfectly:

Quote:

Today I was enjoying being melancholy. Yes, I do enjoy it sometimes. No, it is not the same as depression.
I'm betting there is a vast majority of the population that's medicated on anti-depressants that are really just misunderstood introverts (misunderstood by themselves and providers).
My dad has called me his "melancholy baby" since forever. He said that I was always in a better mood the day after I holed my self up for a couple of hours with a book. He "let me be" and it made all the difference.

I'm not sure how to get a spouse to understand...that's hard. I just ended up divorcing mine..for several reasons, but the continaul mental stigma he put on me was a big part of it.
Not that I'm in any way recommending divorce just cause he doesn't understand!!!







Just no advice....other than saying, "It's who I am...take it or leave it!"








Cheers!


----------



## Starflower

I think the introverts who have spouses who pester them about it might benefit from sharing a book like "Introvert Power" or "Introvert Advantage" with them, just so they can see that others are this way too and it's not a character flaw. Perhaps seeing it in print would help legitimize it to an extroverted spouse? I don't have any other ideas right now. I am lucky that my DH is cool with it and very understanding, but we did talk about it a lot while I was reading about it. (DH identifies border-line I/E, though I would have classified him as introvert based on observations. Guess he's more social at work. He does enjoy being with people, but he doesn't make the initiative for a social life, whereas I make the initiative, but I have to regulate it heavily so I don't get overwhelmed.)

Caffeine/sugar question:

Yes, I pretty much have to have coffee every morning. I usually have a rice milk latte with a little agave syrup in it. A few weeks ago it was mochas but I had to back off the soy due to thyroid issues (and rice mochas just aren't quite the same). So less sugar there, but still some.

I also like to have dark chocolate as a little pick me up. And I do have sugar fairly often, but not in huge quantities at a time. I would say the worst days for sugar consumption are days I feel low energy. If I sleep poorly, I usually crave sugar all day long to try to perk up and stay awake.

My DD is a sugar monkey and we are trying to find ways of cutting down the amount of sugar she eats, but she is definitely an extrovert. But she also can spend a lot of time just reading by herself, too. However, I think if this were not interspersed with people time for her, she'd get very grumpy.


----------



## Sustainer

I'm addicted to chocolate and junk food.


----------



## mariamadly

I'm in a very defensive and self-focused season of my life right now, so please read the following through that lens -- my efforts are usually more inclusive!

The whole burden of explanation thing troubles me. Why are introverts the ones who have to be legitimized? Why are we the ones who have to prove we're not snobs, or unkind, or disinterested? Why aren't extroverts who make more noise and take up more psychic space (in some ways) having to prove THEY're not overbearing, or bullies, or indifferent to any boundaries but their own? Why should ANY type of personality or approach be initially condemned in some fashion?

It feels like the difference between "innocent until proven guilty" and "guilty until proven innocent" -- and unilaterally at that. Very offensive.

I personally would eliminate the component of needing to legitimize something about who I am to a partner. It conveys imbalance and disrespect. A quest for understanding is one thing, and very healthy, but it has to take place within the framework of honoring one another, whether you understand or not, whether it's your way or not. But I'm pulling out of a lifetime of those around me expecting me to justify myself for their comfort, a lifetime of my efforts to do so through blindness and/or fear, and I'm overcompensating and furious now.








Down from the soap box . . .


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
The whole burden of explanation thing troubles me. Why are introverts the ones who have to be legitimized? Why are we the ones who have to prove we're not snobs, or unkind, or disinterested? Why aren't extroverts who make more noise and take up more psychic space (in some ways) having to prove THEY're not overbearing, or bullies, or indifferent to any boundaries but their own? Why should ANY type of personality or approach be initially condemned in some fashion?

It feels like the difference between "innocent until proven guilty" and "guilty until proven innocent" -- and unilaterally at that. Very offensive.

I personally would eliminate the component of needing to legitimize something about who I am to a partner. It conveys imbalance and disrespect. A quest for understanding is one thing, and very healthy, but it has to take place within the framework of honoring one another, whether you understand or not, whether it's your way or not. But I'm pulling out of a lifetime of those around me expecting me to justify myself for their comfort, a lifetime of my efforts to do so through blindness and/or fear, and I'm overcompensating and furious now.




















































very well said!

Makes me think of what's acceptable in our culture and how people expect us to behave... certainly many introverted tendencies are considered unacceptable. It would be great if that could change, the way stereotypes slowly change by people making positive influences. It's too early in the morning for me to think back to my cultural anthropology classes though!


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
I'm in a very defensive and self-focused season of my life right now, so please read the following through that lens -- my efforts are usually more inclusive!

The whole burden of explanation thing troubles me. Why are introverts the ones who have to be legitimized? Why are we the ones who have to prove we're not snobs, or unkind, or disinterested? Why aren't extroverts who make more noise and take up more psychic space (in some ways) having to prove THEY're not overbearing, or bullies, or indifferent to any boundaries but their own? Why should ANY type of personality or approach be initially condemned in some fashion?

It feels like the difference between "innocent until proven guilty" and "guilty until proven innocent" -- and unilaterally at that. Very offensive.

I personally would eliminate the component of needing to legitimize something about who I am to a partner. It conveys imbalance and disrespect. A quest for understanding is one thing, and very healthy, but it has to take place within the framework of honoring one another, whether you understand or not, whether it's your way or not. But I'm pulling out of a lifetime of those around me expecting me to justify myself for their comfort, a lifetime of my efforts to do so through blindness and/or fear, and I'm overcompensating and furious now.








Down from the soap box . . .











The first part of "Introvert Power" addresses these exact things. She says that about 50% of people are introverts and that Americans glorify extroversion. I know some people thought this book had a bit of an "us vs. them" attitude, but it didn't bother me, because, well, sometimes it _does_ feel like us vs. them!

And as for partners....... I think we can work a lot toward better understanding with extroverted partners (they can be clueless but it's not necessarily their fault), but if a partner or family member is requiring legitimization or trying to change the nature of an introverted person, this would be a real barrier to any healthy relationship. You are right - it's all about respect.

As for justifying anything to the rest of the world? I don't care what they think. I did frame my participation at my first church board meeting by saying that I was an introvert, but that was because I felt that saying it out loud would help the group be more understanding when I was often quiet, and because it made me feel freer to stop pressuring myself to be more extroverted.


----------



## Starflower

And now for something completely different......

I know many people have favorite smilies, but I have been wondering about one of my preferences.

Given the choice between these:








vs.








I will always choose this one:









I thought at first it was because I prefer blues to orange, but lately I wear a lot of oranges and reds and my little tongue sticking out smilie I'm using on my siggy right now is orange, so maybe that's not it.

And it's not like I don't like hugs or anything, but I don't like sustained hugs. I wonder if I prefer the







smile because it gives the hug, makes the other "person" smile, and then lets go.


----------



## mariamadly

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
And now for something completely different......

I know many people have favorite smilies, but I have been wondering about one of my preferences.

Given the choice between these:







vs.








I will always choose this one:









I thought at first it was because I prefer blues to orange, but lately I wear a lot of oranges and reds and my little tongue sticking out smilie I'm using on my siggy right now is orange, so maybe that's not it.

And it's not like I don't like hugs or anything, but I don't like sustained hugs. I wonder if I prefer the







smile because it gives the hug, makes the other "person" smile, and then lets go.

Definitely. It's a personal space thing, isn't it? There are times, many, when I'd rather have my hand held for comfort than get a hug. Especially a sustained hug. <shudders>







(I looked special for that one!)


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Starflower said:


> And now for something completely different......
> 
> I know many people have favorite smilies, but I have been wondering about one of my preferences.
> 
> Given the choice between these:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> vs.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I will always choose this one:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yep and yep.
> I'd choosed the latter too even though I really enojoy oranges and yellows.
> I like hugs, just not porlonged ones....squeeze and let go.
> 
> But, if given an open choice I'd proabably choose:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's the one I use most often.
> While I wouldn't openly seek a group over solitude, I'd probably choose a group setting over a one-on-one. Mainly because I can retain my anonymity and fade into the background when I start feeling threadbare!
Click to expand...


----------



## Starflower

The group hug one is nice for showing solidarity, too.

Plus it looks open to me in the middle so not too crowded; there is a way out.


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
another question... do any of you struggle with caffeine or sugar dependence/addiction? I remember reading that introverts have much less energy than extroverts and I often feel like I need something to get me going. anybody else or is it just me?

Yo.







I can't count the times I've tried to quit. If I quit coffee I find myself drinking Coke, if I quit Coke I find myself plowing through 1lb. bags of chocolate(specifically, peanut m&ms) if I cut back on the chocolate I'm back on coffee. I need them to keep going while I'm being drained by my surroundings.


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
And now for something completely different......

I know many people have favorite smilies, but I have been wondering about one of my preferences.

Given the choice between these:







vs.








I will always choose this one:









I thought at first it was because I prefer blues to orange, but lately I wear a lot of oranges and reds and my little tongue sticking out smilie I'm using on my siggy right now is orange, so maybe that's not it.

And it's not like I don't like hugs or anything, but I don't like sustained hugs. I wonder if I prefer the







smile because it gives the hug, makes the other "person" smile, and then lets go.









I laugh because I feel the exact opposite. See with this guy







the hug is all done, it's sweet, it's intimate it's easy peasy. See? There's your hug!(it's also smaller)...but with this guy







there's the stress of the "approach", there's too much energy, here she is...coming in for. that. hug! rah! I'm hugging ya!....it's too extroverted


----------



## Mary Contrary

ISFJ here.







I'm married to an ENFP, so as I'm sure you can imagine, that can be difficult at times. He pretty much "gets it" now, or as much as he's able to, and doesn't make all the attempts to "fix" me that he did early in our relationship. It's taken me a long, long time to come to terms with this part of myself and stop feeling like there's something "wrong" with me, but I think I'm finally getting there. So, anyway, I thought I'd poke my head in and say hi.


----------



## Sustainer

I'm a little geeky and OCD about trying to find the right smilie to fit the situation. I use this one







by default and I use this one







if the smilie is intended specifically to comfort a sad person.

Welcome Mary!


----------



## LucyRev

I'm the same as Sustainer with the hug smilie situation.

Had a super bad day today. Homeschooling is not going so well for the past couple days. I'm feeling really jealous of my friends who can send their kids off to school and have some time alone. Doesn't help that my husband has been working so much. I just feel completely spent.

I have friends that want to get together. Friends I really love to be around, but I don't feel like I have the energy to deal with it. I just want to hole up in my house, but that isn't helping my mood.







Tomorrow I'm going to my friend's book group. I'm not sure how many people are going to be there, or who they are, or if they actually want to talk about the book or just chit chat. I hope they want to talk about the book, or I'm going to feel like a dork.


----------



## LucyRev

Oh, and yes, coffee addict here. I used to be majorly addicted to sugar, but I'm not so bad with it now. Although I'm probably worse with the coffee. I think I would die without either one.


----------



## Starflower

LucyRev - Sorry to hear that homeschooling has been frustrating lately and that your DP has been working so much. I hope you get a break soon.

And you are not a dork for wanting to discuss a book at a book discussion.


----------



## Starflower

I'm feeling very alone today. DH has been super busy with work all week so we've hardly seen him at all. DD was lonely for him so they spent the day together out and about at a museum.

Normally I would cherish a day to myself, but this morning I opened my email to news of the death of a friend. Though we were not that close and I have not seen him in many months, I run into his ex every month or so when she's out with the kids. We all met at a baby group that was very active for about 5 years. It's really sad to think about his 6 year old daughter and 3 year old son no longer having a father. I told DH about it, but we haven't yet told DD. I know she will be incredibly sad, maybe not so much because she will miss him per se, but because she will empathize with her friend. I think she will feel very vulnerable.

Today would have been better for me to be with DH and DD, but I just didn't want to deal with the crowds at the museum or with the other family they went with. Plus DD wanted it to be daddies only with her best friend and his daddy. I guess that just makes it seem all the weirder that another little friend of hers is now fatherless. Sigh.


----------



## LucyRev

Oh my gosh. That is terribly sad news. I'm so sorry.


----------



## treehugz

I'm sorry Starflower. That must be tough thinking about the family's grief and how your daughter will feel. My heart goes out to you.


----------



## Princess ConsuelaB

Starflower how very sad . I'm very sorry


----------



## Starflower

Thanks, everyone. I am doing OK now. I still don't have any more info about what happened. I sent an email of condolences to the children's mother. These are people who were pretty much on the fringe of my life, and honestly, I can't even remember the last time I actually saw the man who died. But the parallels of our lives such as having a daughter the same age brought things home a bit more than I'd expected.

On the flipside, one of my close friends is due any day now and is planning a home birth.







I have agreed to watch her son (one of DD's best friends) if he chooses not to be present during the birth. So I guess the wheel of life continues to turn.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Oh, Starflower. I'm sorry I missed your post!








My thoughts are with their kids and the mom.

Glad you're feeling better! Sending good baby vibes to the expecting family!!


----------



## renny

I'm sorry Starflower.







Sounds like a difficult situation.









I'm feeling so touched out lately. I'm going to go nuts if I don't get a bit of time to myself. I'm typically a night person, but so is the rest of my family, so I've switched to making myself get up in the morning, just to get a little time to myself. It seems like now they might be switching with me. Does everything have to revolve around me? Really?


----------



## Starflower

Hi, renny! Welcome to MDC and to the Introvert thread.









Sorry you're feeling touched out and that now everyone seems to be following you. I often feel like the driving force behind everything in my family. It's exhausting.

I hope you are able to carve out a niche of downtime just for you.


----------



## agreenbough

I found this board yesterday and am very interested - and happy that I'm not alone.

I'm currently having a problem with my husband's parents visiting us multilple times a year, and they're about to send me around the bend!! I like them but I can't stand people in my house. They never want to do anything, even go out to eat, and just live their lives like they're at home - cooking, doing housework (which totally creeps me out, especially when my MIL does my laundry!!!!) and just generally being underfoot.

And the constant small-talk.....it's driving me insane. It has gone on for so long that I can't even fake being nice anymore - - and they don't even notice I'm about to lose it, they're too busy mowing my lawn, reading stacks of books they brought with them, and using every pot and pan I own.

My extroverted husband thinks I'm a mental case because all this togetherness is driving me crazy and I'm becoming so angry I'm afraid it's affecting my health. I'm angry that after 20 years of marriage my husband still doesn't understand me and that his parents are so clueless they don't know they're driving me crazy. I don't invite them, they invite themselves. And since my husband thinks there's something wrong with ME for not liking houseguests, he won't say anything to them.

Any advice is welcome, but I guess I really just wanted to rant, since no one I live with understands my position at all.


----------



## Starflower

Hello and welcome to MDC, agreenbough!

Sorry to hear that your in-laws are driving you bonkers! If you haven't done so yet, maybe check out the earlier parts of this thread. There are posts that talk about dealing with extroverts who just don't get it and some introvert book recommends. (_Introvert Power_ and _Introvert Advantage_ come to mind.)

I just got back from a church retreat. Mostly it was a visioning thing for where we want our church to grow this year. Which is fine, except that I was trapped with too many people for intensive dialog all day long. The intensity of the conversations was interesting and engaging for the first 3 hours. Then I just started to get overwhelmed. They did a kids' nature program this year too, which was cool, but DD and I went for the night last night, and then had to get up super early (for us). Plus last night DD was very needy so I couldn't even have any adult social time when I wanted some. (The other kids all went to bed really early.)

I think DD had a great time. I think we made progress as a group and the food was surprisingly edible. But I am really tired of being with people. And I am supposed to sing in the choir in the morning.

Why do I do this to myself? Well, choir is something I usually enjoy. And I went to the retreat because I am on the board and it was suggested that I should go. I am going to have to really do some soul-searching to see where I want to be putting my energies. I seem to be having trouble finding any balance lately.


----------



## Noelle C.

I'm an introvert and I'm shy and have a problem with social anxiety. Fun times, I tell ya! /sarcasm Wish I was the opposite.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Noelle C.* 
I'm an introvert and I'm shy and have a problem with social anxiety. Fun times, I tell ya! /sarcasm Wish I was the opposite.


----------



## LucyRev

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I often feel like the driving force behind everything in my family. It's exhausting.

I'm feeling this way too, and very very tired of it. I have been trying to carve out some time for myself, but it is hard to have enough energy to even use the time well. It's either too early in the morning, or too late at night.


----------



## shannoneileen

New here. Hello ladies.

I am so very glad to have found this tribe. Just by reading through the posts, I no longer feel alone in my feelings.

I am HSP and an INFJ with 3 boys and a husband. I feel as though I have to constantly be 'ON' and it's exhausting. I try to take care of everybody elses needs before my own thinking that eventually they will allow me a break from stimulation, but that never happens, lol. I have to demand time to myself, which is sometimes difficult, but if I don't have that time to unwind and recharge I go bananas.

I'm super glad to be here!


----------



## AmyKT

It feels like fate that I found this tribe just now. I barely survived a party last Saturday night and I'm sort of fretting over my DD's 2nd birthday party which I'm throwing this coming Saturday. I sometimes like parties, but rarely at my house. I feel invaded unless it's just family, so we decided that this year it would just family and my best friend and her kids.

A few pages back was a discussion about introverted parents with extroverted children. My daughter show signs of serious extroversion, and my mother is an extrovert. It's just quiet little timid me in the middle. My husband is an introvert, but he's an INTP, so he doesn't really care what other people think.

I think I'm an INFP, by the way.


----------



## Momma2Gianna

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Whew I just survived another play date at my house! But it definitely is draining for me.
Any other mamas out there that fit the description above?

Whew totally that's me!


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I'm feeling this way too, and very very tired of it. I have been trying to carve out some time for myself, but *it is hard to have enough energy to even use the time well.* It's either too early in the morning, or too late at night.










The part I bolded describes one of my biggest challenges, too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannoneileen* 
New here. Hello ladies.

I am so very glad to have found this tribe. Just by reading through the posts, I no longer feel alone in my feelings.

I am HSP and an INFJ with 3 boys and a husband. I feel as though I have to constantly be 'ON' and it's exhausting. I try to take care of everybody elses needs before my own thinking that eventually they will allow me a break from stimulation, but that never happens, lol. I have to demand time to myself, which is sometimes difficult, but if I don't have that time to unwind and recharge I go bananas.

I'm super glad to be here!









Welcome to MDC and to the Introvert thread! Feeling like we have to be "on" all the time is so exhausting. I often have difficulty setting aside time to unwind before I get to the "bananas" phase. By then it's hard to get enough time.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyKT* 
It feels like fate that I found this tribe just now. I barely survived a party last Saturday night and I'm sort of fretting over my DD's 2nd birthday party which I'm throwing this coming Saturday. I sometimes like parties, but rarely at my house. I feel invaded unless it's just family, so we decided that this year it would just family and my best friend and her kids.

A few pages back was a discussion about introverted parents with extroverted children. My daughter show signs of serious extroversion, and my mother is an extrovert. It's just quiet little timid me in the middle. My husband is an introvert, but he's an INTP, so he doesn't really care what other people think.

I think I'm an INFP, by the way.

Glad you found us. Yeah for surviving last week's party! It sounds like a smart decision to limit your DD's b-day party to family and your best friend and her kids.

I am also an INFP with an extroverted child.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momma2Gianna* 
Whew totally that's me!









Welcome!


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

**meep**







That's really all umph I have to get out today...Lol.

Was home all day with my sick LO yesterday...even when he's sick the kid is more extrovert than I can handle for 24 hrs straight!! LOL!!!

To all the newbies: HI!! WELCOME!! Totally feel where you're coming from!!!
(((hugs)))

^5 to all of you who have made it through social events!!
I've been doing my best to avoid any groups of people. I think the older I get the more introverted I become...

Quote:

I'm feeling this way too, and very very tired of it. I have been trying to carve out some time for myself, but it is hard to have enough energy to even use the time well. It's either too early in the morning, or too late at night.
Me too. We're only a family of two, but that means I'm running two lives at once (more like three when you have a spirited child! LOL)...and dealing with an ex.
By bed time I'm so tired that I just fall asleep with the kiddo (I require alot of sleep to function) and then I have to be up early for work.
I tried to get up early on Sat/Sun to have some time, but that just made for a cranky wknd.


----------



## Starflower

Happily, I hope you are all healthy now.









I am feeling very anxious today (and yesterday). I think it's anxiety. Or maybe I am sick. Sometimes it's hard to tell. I have a history of panic attacks which include feeling nauseous.

I seem to have gotten myself into that place where I have been doing too much for too many people and now I want to retreat into myself and drop all of my activities. The trouble is that some of the activities are things I enjoy doing. I am set to start with a small writing group (mostly introverts, no less) on Saturday but I am feeling overwhelmed with regular life. I see a tendency in myself to get stuck doing lots of stuff that needs to get done but not much that I want to do. I am wondering if I am just in a rough spot with some things or if I've completely over-committed myself.

Gotta go see DD. She just woke up.


----------



## Starflower

I'm feeling better at this point. I'm pretty sure it's mostly been anxiety. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I have definitely been doing too much for too many other people. My life is a constant struggle to find some sort of balance.

I'm reading Naomi Aldort's "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" right now which is fascinating. A lot of things that have been bothering me lately have been childhood hurts which are brought up again by parenting my own child. I've been noticing these types of things throughout my parenting journey, but I like that the book explains interesting ways to deal with children while exploring oneself. It focuses a lot on love and how to bypass things that block authenticity and love in our relationships with our kids (and ourselves).

I am also going to try to spend less time on the internet - unless I am enjoying it. I find that often I get sucked into emails, Facebook, and MDC and such. Often times I enjoy it, but as often as not, I end up feeling like I'd rather be doing something else, but I still don't get off the computer. So I am exploring that. I set a timer for this internet session so I don't fritter away my afternoon. I'll check in later sometime.


----------



## Starflower

I just made two phone calls I have been putting off for weeks! They weren't really that bad (made some doctor appts.), but I still have trouble calling people. Glad that's done.

And I made a point not to go out doing errands today. I feel like I'm always in the car. I just want to be home for a bit! And I have today, and it's been quite nice. Even quiet (aside from barking dogs).

I see other people who are able to put things "out of sight, out of mind" but I have never been able to do that. Is this possibly an introvert thing? (Or it could just my OCD.)


----------



## LucyRev

Good for you! That book sounds interesting.

I put off making phone calls too. I hate it. Even making a dentist appt, even if it's not for myself. I really hate calling people.







I don't mind if others call me, I just hate being the intruder.


----------



## shannoneileen

I can relate to you ladies so much I think that we all might be related, lol.

I despise the telephone, lol.

For the past three weeks or so I did major decluttering, cleaning, painting and decorating. I am the type of person that when I focus, I am seriously focused and any type of chatter takes me off of my game. Let's just say that it's been a rough three weeks and I am glad that the majority of what I wanted to do is done. I think that my family misses me even though I've been here the whole time, lol.

I've heard of "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" although I haven't read it. I think that I'm going to add it to my Amazon wishlist.









Have a great day everyone!


----------



## mariamadly

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 

I seem to have gotten myself into that place where I have been doing too much for too many people and now I want to retreat into myself and drop all of my activities. The trouble is that some of the activities are things I enjoy doing. I am set to start with a small writing group (mostly introverts, no less) on Saturday but I am feeling overwhelmed with regular life. I see a tendency in myself to get stuck doing lots of stuff that needs to get done but not much that I want to do. I am wondering if I am just in a rough spot with some things or if I've completely over-committed myself.

Gotta go see DD. She just woke up.

I think I remember reading the MBTI profiles where a lot of I types made great caregivers. I'm a SAHM who's nurse, administrative assistant, errand girl, analyst, cheerleader . . . and when one of my people is struggling, I spend energy on how to launch and encourage him to find his way to feeling confidence and momentum, to the point that I. Am. Completely. Drained. It's as though I don't even know what I like any more, or what I'd do if left to my own devices. Am trying very hard to extend what I do for them to myself; it's the best way to show them how to do the same, but so hard for me.

Hey, we have an extra hour this weekend, right? Maybe we can spend it recharging!


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I just made two phone calls I have been putting off for weeks! They weren't really that bad (made some doctor appts.), but I still have trouble calling people. Glad that's done.

And I made a point not to go out doing errands today. I feel like I'm always in the car. I just want to be home for a bit! And I have today, and it's been quite nice. Even quiet (aside from barking dogs).

I see other people who are able to put things "out of sight, out of mind" but I have never been able to do that. Is this possibly an introvert thing? (Or it could just my OCD.)


Excellent to hear about the phone calls. Ugh. I still don't like to make them.
Don't you feel better now that it's done? I don't know why we put them off when we KNOW we'll feel better in the end.

I'm not able to do the "OoS, OoM" thing either. I just keep internalizing until it's either resolved or quelched enough to be mulled over subconciously, KWIM??
I think that's what takes a lot of energy. I guess some people would call it worrying, but it's more like compulsive problem solving...yk, continually running scenarios through my mind that might work or help.
This is also why I think many people often feel like I'm aloof or always out in left field. Lol. My mind is always turning something over, making sense of it, trying to "solve" it for myself.

Quote:

It's as though I don't even know what I like any more, or what I'd do if left to my own devices
I know EXACTLY how this feels. I told my dad that the other day when he said, "Go do something you enjoy." Um, well, as stupid as it sounds, I don't know what that is. I don't _know_ what makes me happy.
Usually, I'm happy to follow along with whatever someone else likes to do so that they feel fulfilled that when left to my own devices I just end up reading...which is just following along somebody else's life path!
Lol.

Quote:

Hey, we have an extra hour this weekend, right? Maybe we can spend it recharging!


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 

I'm not able to do the "OoS, OoM" thing either. I just keep internalizing until it's either resolved or quelched enough to be mulled over subconciously, KWIM??

I think that's what takes a lot of energy. I guess some people would call it worrying, *but it's more like compulsive problem solving*...yk, continually running scenarios through my mind that might work or help.
This is also why I think many people often feel like I'm aloof or always out in left field. Lol. My mind is always turning something over, making sense of it, trying to "solve" it for myself.


Compulsive problem solving.....I like that!









I am deliberately avoiding getting ready for company and for Halloween night. DD is out with DH meeting up with some new friends from school at a bouncy house! (Yeah! I escaped the bouncy house!)

But our house is a mess. I'm sitting here in a Velma costume (a la Scooby Doo fame) which I made. But my sweater isn't right and that bugs me. I didn't get a wig so my hair isn't exactly right. DH says it doesn't matter but for some stupid reason, it does - to me.

I think I should be cleaning up the mess of a pumpkin that is now carved (poorly) for tonight. I am taking DD trick-or-treating with her friend from school and his parents. We're having pizza at our house with them.

I don't have company. My house is a mess. I am so disorganized. They seem really nice, but it's hard for me to have new people over.

And I really hate having all the neighborhood kids tromping up to the door and ringing the bell a million times while the dogs are shut into DD's room and barking their heads off.

I guess I'm kind of a Halloween scrooge, but I am trying. I've been very anxious this past week. Still processing why and "compulsively problem solving" but it's not done yet so I've been a bit cross.

I feel like my version of "compulsive problem solving" is sort of like waiting for something to be done in the oven. And I get nervous about it's failure until it's finished.

Oh, and I did go to the writers group this morning. It was OK. We were asked to read everything we wrote aloud in the group. This was a bit unnerving. But I had freedom to pass if I wanted. The group is mainly introverts. Possibly all introverts. We are doing free writes at this point so it's all stream of consciousness type stuff. I'm finding I can barely read my own writing at times. But the people who are clicking away on their laptops seem to irritate me because I'd like it more quiet.

I joined this group as an experiment and as a personal exploration. I have no intentions of becoming a writer. I thought it might help me see things that are important to me more clearly which could help in my personal life or in my art.

I'm babbling now. Guess I should go finish cleaning the bathroom and try to find the leaf to the table so there is room enough for all of us to eat.


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## recremaicila

This looks like as good a place as any to delurk - although I think I fit into a number of the other tribes on the board as well.

It's funny, though, because I didn't expect to read about my own life when I clicked on this thread. I guess I've never identified myself as an introvert exactly. (Although I have taken the MBTI a few times, & I think I've been a few different types and maybe they didn't all begin with "I" - can't quite remember, the most recent time it did.) But I just didn't realize it actually applied to me.

And now I know there's a word for my collection of little quirks - like hating to talk on the phone, thus putting off calls (even business calls, how stupid~!). Not wanting to go to parties. Not wanting to have people over (had a major playdate here for my ds & his 3 friends the other day and it was a killer!). Choosing to stay home alone, whenever that's one of the choices. Feeling drained after interacting with others. Wow, that's because I'm an introvert!










Can't believe I didn't realize that until now!

In my case, I think it's getting more intense, as I get older. I can remember when I was younger, wanting to go out & be with people sometimes, or at least "wanting to want to" go. Actually I was The Unpopular Kid in high school, and maybe I evolved into an introvert because I was tired of being rejected?

Food for thought!

Glad I clicked!





















<<<these *all* creep me out.








<<<<this one is more to my comfort level

One thing I always wonder is how do people *know* to reject (or to ignore) me. Like today I went with ds to a new breakfast place near us. Well, semi-new but we hadn't been there before. And it was a big rush, their biggest yet - as in not enough waiters, not enough food etc. Anyway once it started to empty out, the owner (who'd been waiting tables) came out and sat down & started a conversation with every other table in the room (three of them). Like do you live around here, what do you do kind of stuff. But he sort of shied away from me and ds! As far as I can tell, I think we look sort of regular, like other people? But evidently not.... because this is a common experience for me.

Anyway I was thinking of starting to go there in the mornings b/c I'm working on a novel, but me at home alone isn't the key to getting a lot of writing done, as I thought it would be. (Lost my job a few months back & decided to treat it as an opportunity to finish the book.) But it's too distracting trying to do it at home. Not only is there always housework needing to be done, but I also have other projects at home (colorful stuff I'm making, way easier than writing this book) that are calling my name pretty loudly.

It's a nice sunny restaurant & I figured I could start to spend mornings there writing, I think I will do that because it seems like a good idea. I guess I won't have to worry about any distractions there [such as people trying to strike up a conversation with me]. I'll just be the person tapping away on my keyboard in the corner. But do I have a sign on my face that says "leave me alone" or what? Crazy!

Also b/c ds is an extrovert but, he's also a teenager and was the only person there under the age of 40, except for two little kids.

Oh well!

Perhaps I'd better go introduce myself on the ADD tribe (or did I dream that there was an ADD tribe?)... as I seem to be veering off in that direction!







Or should I say, veering off in _those_ directions. [Anyone else have ADD? That was kind of a little ADD joke...]


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## mystic~mama

hey mamas, I've posted here a few times and I'd like join in again...

yesterday, Halloween, I was SO HaPPy when it was OVER!!

the part where I had a hard time was going to a live music thing where the energy was overwhelming to me...and I love to dance but get so anxious I can't and then I feel weird and anxious because I am anxious and not dancing...

can anyone relate to this?


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## mystic~mama

oops.


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## Starflower

Welcome, recremaicila!









As for Halloween: I am so glad it is over. We didn't even go to a party. We had a couple over with kids that DD goes to school with. I think we would be a pretty compatible match as far as general getting together goes. We may see in the future.

By the end of the evening, after we took the kids around the neighborhood and then our guests left, we decided to watch a movie before bed. I didn't want to answer the door, but I also didn't want to have left over candy. So I put the big stainless steel bowl of candy out on the porch next to our "cat-o-lantern" (DD is obsessed with cats so it had a kitty face). The candy was soon gone and I didn't have to answer the door. After that I turned out all the outside lights and brought in our pumpkin.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

So, after Hallowe'en I'm all emotionally "checked out"...somewhere over the weekend I picked up the theme song from Cheers, except in my head I hear this version...

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all *these people*
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go
Where *Noboooody* knows your name,
And *they don't really care that you came*;
You want to be where *nobooody* can see,
That our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where *Nooo-body* knows your name.








My sick introverted humor. I made myself laugh.

I really want to chat more about ya'll weekend and I'll be back, but I got nothin today....I know you understand!!!! Lol.


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## LucyRev

I actually had a decent time at Halloween. I love making costumes and seeing everyone's costumes and decorations. The kids enjoyed trick or treating. We went to a party that was pretty good, but I noticed that when I tried to strike up conversations with new people or acquaintances I didn't know well, they were catty or snotty (but sort of subtly) or there was just this strange competitive spirit going on. I have zero tolerance for that anymore. I don't know if I'm more sensitive to it as I get older, or if I read into things, but it is disappointing. It is hard enough for me to put the effort into being social, and then when people act like that...I'm just done. I'd rather be somewhere else and not waste my time and energy.

Welcome Recremaicila! I have experienced that invisible feeling too. I don't really know what to say about it. I have also met people who give off that "uncomfortable in their own skin" vibe that makes me uncomfortable myself. I'm sure I have that going on sometimes, but at those times, I wouldn't notice being ignored because I would want to be ignored. I feel like I'm talking gibberish! Sometimes I feel like people can sense that I'm a big can of worms they don't want to open.







. Not in a really bad way, just that I'm not all small talk and bubbly giggly silliness. Like if you ask me how I'm doing, and I'm not doing so hot, I'll probably say so and most people don't really want to know. They want to go through the motions of asking and smiling and nodding.


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## Princess ConsuelaB

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
So, after Hallowe'en I'm all emotionally "checked out"...somewhere over the weekend I picked up the theme song from Cheers, except in my head I hear this version...

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all *these people*
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go
Where *Noboooody* knows your name,
And *they don't really care that you came*;
You want to be where *nobooody* can see,
That our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where *Nooo-body* knows your name.


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## recremaicila

I'm not going to try right now to figure out how to quote other posts - bad enough that I recently switched to a mac a few months back and having trouble adjusting to that.

Ummm..... anyway, mostly I just don't deal with people but evidently I get more work done when others are working nearby, even if it's on a totally different project & we never interact. At least every time I've tried to WAH it doesn't work out, and this time is no exception (it seems).

I did go in the restaurant this morning and it was a more friendly experience, and then after a bit I moved to the corner & got my computer out to write a little bit. I had to leave b/c I eeek! Need to make a gift for someone really special or they will NOT get it in time - and I'm using overnite mail as it is.

gtg...... stupid ADD


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## Starflower

recremaicila - I can relate to doing well having people around but not in my business. Some days I do like isolation, but often I like knowing I'm not alone on this planet without the hassles of constant interaction. As long as the other people aren't too distracting.

I am not sure if I like the writer's group or not yet. I started it last Saturday. It's pretty early in the morning for me. A lot of the group is using laptops so the constant clicking of their keyboards is annoying to me. After awhile I can drown it out with my own thoughts and scribbling, but it's hard at first.

Also, I wasn't expecting the sharing so early on. I am not really looking to be a writer, though I suppose that on some lever perhaps I am. Mostly we are doing just free writes at this time, so the sharing was unexpected. Some people got very emotional. The sharing is just reading our free writes and it's definitely not generic chit-chat. It's a very vulnerable position to be in, but I think that's actually what I was wanting in some way. I have difficulty sometimes accessing my emotions.

In any case, this week has been very intense. I am learning a lot about myself, about my relationship with DH and also about my DD. Not just because of the writers' group. I tend to explore these types of things on my own. DD has been having some behavior problems reported by her theater class teacher and by our afternoon car pool person. So I am exploring these issues with her.

And I am taking a trust-based parenting class at DD's school. That's where a lot of this exploration is coming from. The first week, I was very engaged. Last week, I didn't say much of anything. Tonight, I figure I'll probably end up talking a bit - just because so much seems to be going on with DD right now.


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## Starflower

OT - to quote other posts, click the larger "Quote" button on the bottom right corner of the person's post, then click your regular reply button to open the reply box.

If you want to quote more than one person, click on the button marked with quotation marks and a + sign on as many posts as you want, then use the regular reply button.

I don't think it would be different for a Mac (but you never know). I use a PC with Firefox.

And now back to our regularly scheduled introvert programming.......


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## earthmothergypsy

That is SO me! lol!!!


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## 2sw33t

I'm definitely an introvert (INTP). My dh is ENFP, and always complains that I don't communicate. Not fair, of course - if I think there's something I need to tell him or ask him, I do. Most of the time, what's there to say? And if I do say something, there's no guarantee he's really "hearing" it







Plus, my preferred mode of communication is writing, but he doesn't like reading and tends to get riled up and confused when he reads letters from me (thinks I sound cold and unfeeling).

Oh well. I like being an introvert. My mouth doesn't get me into trouble as much as extroverts' mouths tend to cause them trouble.

Always,
Jill


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## Starflower

earthmothergypsy

DD has been sick since Thursday. She just laid on the couch or slept for 3 days. Yesterday she played on the computer for a short time and started coughing a lot, but at least she was able to eat something. She seems a little better today, but I am still home with a very grumpy extrovert who is too sick to play with anyone so she miserable.


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## recremaicila

Interesting, I just came across my appointment calendar from when my older kids were little. Evidently, I used to be able to overcome my introvert tendencies on their behalf. This calendar is full of playdates, having kids over to the house, lots of sleepovers at my house with multiple kids (babysitting trades). Another thing that impresses me is the large percentage of tasks that I was checking off [instead of carrying it over to next day as I often do now, if even that].

Little ds is with his dad this weekend - it's a bit of a mixed blessing there, but I'm going to embrace it. And ds1 is out with friends. For the night. Whee! Alone in the house, one of my favorite things to "do" - I'm trying to decide if I should go out. It would probably be fun, and I know I'll see lots & lots of people I know. (Weird sentence, bc if the second part is true, the first part probably won't be .... however maybe I'll be in the mood for people. Doubt it though!)

I think two out of my three kids are extroverts; one is an introvert like me. My mom is a big extrovert. My siblings are mostly extroverts, but one is even more introverted than I am. The ex is extremely extroverted (<he he) and so was my partner before him, usually that's who I have ended up with. I think it's why I know anyone at all.


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## A&A

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
recremaicila - I can relate to doing well having people around but not in my business.

Me, too!!


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## Starflower

recremaicila - yeah! You get a night to yourself if you want. How wonderful!


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## HappilyEvrAfter

*The Introvert's Booklist*...maybe this should be a separate thread in the books forum, but wanted to get ya'll take if you've read any of these books:

~The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D.
~Solitude: A Return to the Self by Anthony Storr
~Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie A. Helgoe
~Living Introverted: Learning To Embrace The Quiet Life Without Guilt by Lee Ann Lambert (Author)
~The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide for Celebrating Your True Self by Elizabeth Wagele
~Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli S. Rufus

I've read the one if Green and really want to read The Loner's Manifesto next.

Any reviews or know any good ones to add?


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
recremaicila - I can relate to doing well having people around but not in my business.

























This is my biggest pet peeve at work.


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## sharkysmom

Glad to find this tribe. I consider myself an introvert and find the older I get the worse it is and the less socially acceptable it is. People think I am snotty or rude, really I just dont want to talk to anyone!! Dp is an extrovert and doesn't even remotly understand my lack of wanting to socialize. He has a large family and now that I have ds everyone wants us to come to everything! With the holidays coming I fear I will lose my mind! The idle chit chat and all the noise that drives me up a wall! Dp is my person, he is the one I want to talk to, the one I want to spend time with and really very few other people and even then only in small doses. Dp thinks I should make friends....blah not worth the hassle in my book. I have super sensitive hearing so that just adds to my not wanting to spend time in groups. I like people just fine...on my terms!! I do not want them in my space, even my mother has to call before she comes over








Before ds my best freind and companion was my dog, he has since had to take second chair but there is still nothing like taking my dog swimming or hiking all by my lonesome, he never whines or complains and he is beautiful to watch in motion. If only people could be so wonderful!
Ds is only 6mo but is an adorable chubby baby that smiles at everyone....ugh!! "Oh he's so cute!" "look at that smile!" "what a big boy!" meanwhile in my head I am sending out the strongest go away vibes I can. Reading others posts I have no doubt it will be a challenge for me the older ds gets. After all I can't buy a house in the middle of the woods and live there with ds and the dog.....right?








Good to know I am not alone


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## Freedom~Mama

I am an INFP and my DH is an ISFP and we have trouble communicating sometimes because we are both so introverted. Our oldest DD is a huge Extrovert and that is hard for us sometimes because we have to be more social than we would like to be. Our youngest DD is an Introvert like us and a huge homebody. Sometimes I love being an Introvert because I feel like I notice a lot of things that Extroverts don't and I love simple things like alone time, reading, taking a bubble bath, journaling, walking alone etc. I like quiet activities. Sometimes being an Introvert is hard though because it seems like so many people are Extroverts and that is what is expected. I have a very hard time with small talk with strangers...sometimes I can barely make myself do it. I am very reserved and shy as well as being an Introvert and I really only talk when I have something I really want to share, otherwise I like to just sit back, people watch and take everything in.


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## Starflower

sharkysmom and ANewDay


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## LucyRev

I've been wondering how much of my introversion is a product of my upbringing. I know I started out this way, and I could have dealt with things by being more extroverted (like my sister did) but I didn't have the best childhood. I will spare the details, but I really never felt protected. For some reason I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep everything together. I felt like everyone was so messed up, I had to be the good one. Maybe it was easier for me to protect myself by not letting many other people in. I don't think I ever would have been extremely extroverted anyway. I'm just pondering the nature vs. nurture of it.


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## MommyMichele

I'm sure our upbringing affects us, but like you said, I think we're born introverted or extroverted. I used to think my problem was more due to lack of confidence after a childhood of being judged harshly, but as I've grown in confidence as an adult, I realize I do things the way I do more because I'm introverted. For instance, I used to think I was afraid to speak for fear of being judged, but now I realize I'm just slower to formulate a response (and then the topic has moved on) or the topic is disinteresting small talk in which I don't care to engage. Those are both introverted tendencies.


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## Starflower

I think introvert/extrovert is mostly an inborn characteristic. However, I think if we are raised by extroverts in an extroverted society, some of us can hack it for awhile and pretend to be extroverted. Or perhaps we may harbor the desire to be extroverted without the means of doing so sustainably.

I seem to having trouble lately balancing my needs for alone time with my needs for companionship. I find myself often doing service work to help feed my needs for socializing activities while maintaining my distance. However, the past few days I am noticing more and more how this isn't really giving me what I truly want.

I am lonely today. A friend and church board colleague of mine died last week and it brought up a lot for me to consider. He was our board president, definitely an extrovert, but not the kind that would ramble all over someone. I am finding that I have a name for what I have been craving in addition to my alone time the past few months: community. The service work helps, but I really do like to be with friends some times. And I find that although I have many acquaintances, I feel like I have very few friends to call upon. And most of them are so busy with their own lives, I still feel all on my own.

All my family lives far away so I do not have an extended family readily available. I find myself vacillating between wanting to be social and wanting my own time to think. The main trouble seems to come in where I need to balance these needs along with the needs of my family and family life. I am always there for everyone in our family. And often for friends as well.

I want some sort of active communion with other people, as when musicians play together or such. I wish my piano playing or singing were stronger so I could join in with them for a time. I am an artist and often find that when I do finally get some art time it is all alone time. Often, this is OK. However, I saw on my Facebook pages that a distant friend is doing collaborative work with another artist. That seems interesting to me, too. But so far, I only seem to find people who want me to teach them to do art, or dance or such. I am tired of feeling like I always have to lead everything but I don't know how or am afraid to ask for help or inclusion.

I guess I really just want to feel like I belong somewhere for a change. I often feel like I am on the outside, looking in at the people who seem to connect so easily to one another. I am not sure I know how to do this.

Part of this may be introversion, though I suspect there is more to it than that. At times, I feel stuck inside my own physical body, like my spirit or mind wants to dance and shout and move, but I just sit there, stuck, unable to give in to the desire, like a prisoner in my own skin.

I'm rambling now. Perhaps I should take some of this to my writer's group.


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## LucyRev

Maybe you could start your own collaborative art group. You could ask applicants to answer a few questions or submit photos of their work. Then you could approve the number of people you'd like to work with at the right skill level. Sounds like fun to me


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## sharkysmom

In regards to the nature/nurture thing I do think you are born with introvert/extrovert personalities and your life experience just fine tunes them. I had a terrible adolescence and felt very misunderstood, did poorly in school, and got in A LOT of trouble!! As an adult looking back though I see a lot of my troubles were frustration and not having my needs met. I was not the type of kid who thrived(I barely survived)in a classroom setting or with many people being in charge of me(teachers). Being forced in that situation every day was torture! Feeling shamed or not normal because I didnt seem to fit in anywhere and I didnt want to go to the dances or the after school activities, or put makeup on and chat with all the other girls, I wanted to go play in the woods with my best friend. I am thankful for my experiences because they have made me who I am today and I think in the long run (at 32) I can finally begin to appreciate who I really am!
Someone told me that a mom they knew was forcing their 8yo child to go to a birthday party because they felt he needed to socialize. That is how most of us were probably brought up, thinking there was something wrong with our isolating ways, so instead of being able to embrace them and let our imaginations grow we were forced into extroverted atmospheres that only made us more akward and unsure.
One of my biggest concerns is that I will do this to my child that I will try to mold him in my likeness, I hope I can get outside of my own ego and will and just let my child be exactly who he is....I just hope he's not an extrovert


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## shannoneileen

I'm pretty sure that I am codependent along with being an introvert. Reading Melody Beattie now. Time for some painful, yet cathartic, self discovery. *sigh*


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## Freedom~Mama

sharkysmom- it def. gets tougher as the kids get older. My older DD is 5 now and in school and so now I have to deal with teachers, her friends parents etc. I know it sounds bad but I really hate having to take her to b-day parties and socializing with other parents. It is soo hard for me. DD is super social though so I do it for her. DH is the same as me and absolutely hates having to socialize so we usually go together and just take our youngest and play with her and look like we are busy so we don't have to talk to many people lol. Having a DH that is super Introverted helps in some aspects because he gets me wanting to stay home and me being so reserved and quiet. He is the only person I am loud with though...most people prob. don't know I nag so much lol.

shannoneileen- I am codependent too. That is a good and helpful book. I also recently read The Introvert Advantage and that also helped me.


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## Freedom~Mama

Anyone have any tips on how to interact with other parents at school functions, birtday parties etc? I am really good at interacting with teachers because it feels businesslike and we are talking about my DD lol but I dread having to talk to other parents. I am just so shy and have a really hard time. It makes me feel like a kid on the first day of school. Anyone have any tips on how to deal with this issue? It is not that I hate people or am rude I just have a hard time making small talk, making new friends etc.


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## shannoneileen

The Introvert Advantage. Cool. I'll have to check that out.









Beautiful~Life, I'm not very good at small talk either, with other parents, so I cannot really offer any advice other than just be yourself. Be true to your nature.


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## Starflower

I am thinking about throwing myself a party - a low-key, come-as-you-are, appetizers-only, open house type of party - for my birthday.

After losing two friends to death in the past month, I am feeling the need to connect more with the living. However, my b-day comes on a Thursday when my DH's company planned their holiday party. (Ugh.) I am thinking about doing my open-house type party the following Saturday, and though I like the idea of it, I'm worried about having too many things going on in a short time frame. I also have a board meeting at church that Sunday.

I don't like the idea of going to the holiday party for DH's work, and he is willing to not go for me. But they don't do much outside of work, and I think it would mean a lot to him if I did go. I just wish they didn't schedule it on my birthday. I hate that. Other peoples' holiday plans messing up my b-day. Grr.

I just wonder if I might be setting myself up for some freakout time later on if I try to do all of this. But I am tired of always doing what must be done (socially and otherwise) out of duty and then neglecting myself until I pop.

Introverted or not, I do still need some social interaction and I would like it to be on my terms. So I think I will proceed with planning my little gathering. I'm just not sure what to do about the holiday party thing.

I would get a free fancy Italian meal out of it with DH (and a bunch of high power professionals I don't know well or relate to much as a SAHM/artist; DH is a programmer and considers himself a peon). And we'd need to get a babysitter and I would have to drive into the city at the end part of rush hour. His company is small so that part is good, and the people I have met are nice. But I hate the whole question: so what do you do? What do I do? I run a household, drive my kid around, play family psychologist and try to somehow get some artwork done while remodeling the house and doing laundry.

I have to decide on the holiday party by Monday for RSVPs. DD wants the computer now, so I'll take that as my cue to get off here.


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## Starflower

After some soul-searching about what was really bugging me about going to DH's work party, I've decided to go. And I also decided to have a party for my birthday. Maybe I'm a little crazy. Or maybe I'll enjoy the b-day gathering at least, and a free Italian meal downtown with DH, then sequester myself alone for 3 days afterward. We'll see. Guess I'd better clean the house if we'll be having some friends dropping by.

At least the b-day gathering will be on my terms.


----------



## agreenbough

In response to an earlier post, I read Party of One, The Loner's Manifesto. The introduction was great, and two or three chapters were helpful. But I felt like most of the book had an "us versus them" tone that I really didn't care for. I'd like more understanding from extroverts, but the air of superiority in the book seemed devisive to me. Too much time was spent on topics like "popular culture". Okay, so Peter Parker (Spiderman) is an introvert - I guess I'm supposed to feel better knowing that....


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## LucyRev

Starflower, I hope you enjoy your socializing.







I am trying to decide what to do for my birthday too. I usually just go out for dinner with the husband, but I'd kind of like to be with some friends this year. I was thinking open house style, low key party too, but I don't know if I really want to stretch it out for that long. Sometimes I get really wigged out having lots of people at my house. I feel like I have to entertain and we don't have enough seating and my house has too many tiny doorways and I don't want to feel drained afterwards.

I think my favorite thing is going out with just a few people for drinks and conversation, or breakfast! That could be fun. I would love to go out to a concert, but that wouldn't lend itself to talking to anyone and not everyone would want to do that. It is typical of me to make this way too complicated and not be able to make up my mind until everyone has other plans already.


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## Starflower

Lucy - I hope you find something you enjoy for birthday. I'm a little leery of how much socializing I have scheduled, especially right after an office party. I kind of go between being social then hiding out and I'm a little concerned my mood may flip to hide-out mode before the party comes.

I suggested long hours for my open house type party because I think it will free up people to come by for a while and leave as they are able. Plus some with kids won't stay that late. Several people cannot make it anyway since they have holiday parties to attend that night. We don't have much furniture or room either, but my friends and I are weird. We like to sit on the floor.

For now, I'm on to worrying about the next thing anyway: possibly foundation issues with part of my house. Ack! DD wants me now. Better get her in bed. DH had to work super late tonight and isn't even home yet.

I hope I don't get booted off the introvert thread for being too chatty.


----------



## Starflower

I saw a good T-shirt in a catalog today. It read:

You read my T-shirt.
That's enough social interaction for one day.

I may need this shirt after my b-day party and DH's office party.


----------



## Starflower

Breathing easier over here now. DH and I just canceled our reservation for his company's holiday party. I







DH. He's so sweet and understanding.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
In response to an earlier post, I read Party of One, The Loner's Manifesto. The introduction was great, and two or three chapters were helpful. But I felt like most of the book had an "us versus them" tone that I really didn't care for. I'd like more understanding from extroverts, but the air of superiority in the book seemed devisive to me. Too much time was spent on topics like "popular culture". Okay, so Peter Parker (Spiderman) is an introvert - I guess I'm supposed to feel better knowing that....

So, I've gotten through this book.

Like you, I felt like pop culture was a bit overused and it did have an "us vs them" feel, but...

Well, the more I think of the book in LONER terms it resonates for me better.
I mean, you can be an introvert without being a loner and being a loner can REALLY feel like it's "us vs them"....even more so than just being an introvert.
And with re: pop culture. I guess I kind of see using all those references because that's what (totally IMO) loners identify with the best because, and she lays this out better in the book, pop culture is almost a life line to mainstream life for these types of people....it's their "pseudo social circle".
Also, I think she was attempting to point out that while society worships these people as screen heros they don't understand that they're created (sometimes...mostly) BY real life loners. Trying to portray loners as creaters, symbols, etc. YKWIM? Does that make sense?

I feel like if your just an introvert then you might get a little something out of this book, but if your a full blown loner then you might get even more out of it, feel some of your identity from it.

This book really was a manifesto. It definetly wasn't along the same lines of Introvert Advantage or aka "I'm an introvert; help me and others understand me"
Like I said, trifle information for the common introvert, but a Declaration of Independance for the loner!
















On to reading The Happy Introvert.

Internal peace and














to you all!!


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I saw a good T-shirt in a catalog today. It read:

You read my T-shirt.
That's enough social interaction for one day.

I may need this shirt after my b-day party and DH's office party.

ROFLMAO.









I saw a coffee cup that said soemthing like that
"You've read my mug. That's enough interaction for one day"

I really wanted to get it for work!!!!!


----------



## Starflower

That would make an excellent work mug! lol

I survived my party. Not many people came which was somewhat disappointing since one of those people was someone I'd really wanted to see. But then again, I didn't get completely overwhelmed by tons of people at once.

People just dropped in for a few minutes on their way to or from other events and then they left. This made most of their time "small talk" rather than real conversation which was disappointing and uncomfortable, but I did get to reconnect with a friend I hadn't seen for a year or two. That was cool. And two families came with their kids and stayed for long haul, but that was mostly it.

I had been looking forward to the gathering and was kind of surprised how anxious I felt. Probably should not have been surprised.

I think December in general just stresses me out. DH too. I'm just relieved I finally had the guts to tell my parents "no" when they offered to buy us plane tickets to go see them and the rest of my extended family for Christmas. I told them we'd visit another time and that it was just too much during the holidays.

Anyone else find this time of year particularly stressing?


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## BaBaBa

Hi!
Just jumping in to say, 'yeah it's a stressful time of year'.
I'm so well organized this year and ready to go but I still feel under a tremendous amount of pressure and anxiety.
Can't wait til it's over.


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## Betleowe

I just discovered this area of the forum, and I'm glad I found a tribe like this.

I was just talking with my 15 and 18 year old Sils, they were saying that on vacations they don't feel the need of going out or have contact with their friends. They said that they preferred to spend time with family and at home. All the talk reminded me of myself at that age, I hated to think that I had to get ready to go to a party or with "friends" and when I did I felt so exhausted that I need to spend some time alone. Usually it took me time to recover.

Now as an adult I try to avoid social situations and thankfully DH is the same way. Heck he's even known for that, DD is the same way. She likes to play by herself and when other kids come she enjoys watching them play. But she won't play with them, I used to be the same way.

During the holidays, I try to relax and see the positive sides of spending it with other people. My mom and I used to spend our holidays alone until she got married again. And it's not the bad, but the first Christmas that I spent with others besides her was a bit overwhelming.

This year on the 24th friends are coming over and on Christmas day MIL, SILS and my parents are coming and that's it. New Year is going to be quiet, my mom is going to Canada with my stepdad and MIL is going to Illinois. So we are going to be alone with the baby.

Oh and not to mention that this year lots of family members want to meet DS.


----------



## Autumn C.

Just checking in with a "Bah humbug."

I don't really dislike Christmas but dh's family is _huge_ and the _love_ each other and I have to spend *WAY* to much time with them at Christmas.

So "bah humbug."


----------



## agreenbough

HappilyEvrAfter, your perspective on Party of One was helpful - I think your ideas on it were very perceptive. I was definitely looking at it from the "garden variety" introvert angle. So thanks for a different point of view.
I'm sort of dreading the extended family Christmas get-together this year. We have to drive a long way (9 hours) and it's just not as much fun as the kids have gotten older and the family has gotten larger. But's inescapable tradition. Thank goodness my kids and dog are good travelers.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

agreenbough, thank you for the comment.









I finished *The Happy Introvert*. This one is along the same content lines of The Introvert Advantage (TIA) and more for "mainstream" introverts.

The parts of this book I liked over TIA is that it gave more detailed information about the Myers Briggs test and broke down each of the types, gave a best and worst "chart" of introverts AND extroverts, and it also has a chapter about parenting introverted/extroverted children (various ages).
The cartoons were a little confusing and I mostly jumped over them, but your humor might catch them better than I did.
I really liked the "If you answered YES to the majority of these statments then your a _____" parts.
It's also got sections about creativity preferences and work place issues too.

I think the only downside I felt was that it was so broad on it's topics that it didn't seem to go in-depth in some places. BUT she does refer other resources and has other books she's written that might help with that.

If you're looking for more a introversion AND extroversion book then this one might suit you.

It would probably be a better book for the extroverts in your like to read over TIA just because they'd get something about themselves out of it while learning about you too.

I'd like to hear how others viewed the books too.









Not sure what I'll read next....I might pick up one of the books by this same author that she noted in the back (and wrote)....I really enjoyed getting detailed information about the MB personalities and she's written one.

Happy Holidays!!!!
I'm just going with my gut this year and avoiding the hoop-la side of Christmas...man, it feels good!!!


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Like I said, trifle information for the common introvert, but a Declaration of Independance for the loner!
















On to reading The Happy Introvert.

Internal peace and














to you all!!

Thanks for the book review on _The Loner's Manifesto._ I've never felt like a loner really. Alone? Yeah. Lonely? Yeah. But not a loner. I guess I'm more of your common, garden-variety introvert.









_The Happy Introvert_ sounds interesting to me. I love reading about personality types and Meyers-Briggs stuff. I like to try to figure out puzzles and personality types seem like puzzles to me. I will see if the library has this one.

DD is calling for me.


----------



## HeatherB

Must jump in here.







I'm very much an introvert and am once again at that stage where I realize I (we) have no friends. Not NONE, really, but let's just say we're not great at this whole relationship thing, DH and I. We used to have a group that we "did life with," but the group has changed and parted and we've not found those with whom we have the connection that we had back then. We do have one or two families we really enjoy (who live locally), but it's not as though we're anyone else's "best" friends, kwim?

Anyhow, so being an introvert can be a lonely road. Both DH and I have tested as INTP, though he claims to be an extrovert (he likes people, at least), and I sometimes come up as INTJ these days.







I have added The Happy Introvert to my Amazon list.









The funny thing is, I really like being with people and being in groups and the excitement of parties, etc. But I'm terrible at conversing with people. I've gotten better over the years - even had a home business where I gave presentations regularly (and was SO very drained after!) - but it is hard to find a very fulfilling conversation, and I rarely feel at ease socially. I can't even write well right now, as it's super late after being social this evening.







Apologies for all the disjointedness!

Always nice to commiserate with others who are wired similarly, and I'm glad to find a tribe that's at least semi-active.


----------



## HeatherB

Must jump in here.







I'm very much an introvert and am once again at that stage where I realize I (we) have no friends. Not NONE, really, but let's just say we're not great at this whole relationship thing, DH and I. We used to have a group that we "did life with," but the group has changed and parted and we've not found those with whom we have the connection that we had back then. We do have one or two families we really enjoy (who live locally), but it's not as though we're anyone else's "best" friends, kwim?

Anyhow, so being an introvert can be a lonely road. Both DH and I have tested as INTP, though he claims to be an extrovert (he likes people, at least), and I sometimes come up as INTJ these days.







I have added The Happy Introvert to my Amazon list.









The funny thing is, I really like being with people and being in groups and the excitement of parties, etc. But I'm terrible at conversing with people. I've gotten better over the years - even had a home business where I gave presentations regularly (and was SO very drained after!) - but it is hard to find a very fulfilling conversation, and I rarely feel at ease socially. I can't even write well right now, as it's super late after being social this evening.







Apologies for all the disjointedness!

Always nice to commiserate with others who are wired similarly, and I'm glad to find a tribe that's at least semi-active.


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## Starflower

Hi, HeatherB!

I have joined a writing group so hopefully I won't write so much on here and then delete it because I write too much on here.









We had a nice quiet new year's. DD did some sparklers and we hung out at home after a trip to the aquarium. We took DD's friend - I think it was the first time he'd ever been away on a little excursion without his mom. He did fine. I think they both had fun.

I'm very glad the holidays are over though. I've had enough fa la la.

I was supposed to go see a movie with a new-ish friend, but she had a setback and got depressed and canceled on me. (Unfortunately, I understand very well about depression.) However, I was pretty bummed because I really wanted to go out that night. Now I saw on FB that she went to the movie alone. I understand that. I enjoy movies on my own. But I wished she'd told me she would do that. I felt annoyed that she went and saw it without me after we'd planned to see it together. Oh, well. I'll get over it soon. Maybe I'll even go see the movie on my own. DH wants me to do more fun stuff. But even though I am an introvert, I do still like doing things with people - especially one on one.

OK. Too much







here so I'll sign off.

Happy new year, everyone!


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
I finished *The Happy Introvert*. This one is along the same content lines of The Introvert Advantage (TIA) and more for "mainstream" introverts. The parts of this book I liked over TIA is that it gave more detailed information about the Myers Briggs test and broke down each of the types, gave a best and worst "chart" of introverts AND extroverts, and it also has a chapter about parenting introverted/extroverted children (various ages).

Thanks for the review! I'll add it to my list... can you elaborate on the best and worst chart of introverts/extroverts? What do you mean best/worst?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
I feel like if your just an introvert then you might get a little something out of this book, but if your a full blown loner then you might get even more out of it, feel some of your identity from it. This book really was a manifesto. It definetly wasn't along the same lines of Introvert Advantage or aka "I'm an introvert; help me and others understand me" Like I said, trifle information for the common introvert, but a Declaration of Independance for the loner!
















Yes, I couldn't agree more. It's been close to a year since I read it, but I'm still reminded of the chapter on criminal behavior every time I watch the news and some outcast extrovert does something bad and is mislabeled a "loner". I don't want to fear that people are going to suspect me of pulling a gun on them just because I'm a loner and don't want to talk to them. Definitely makes me wonder sometimes if it isn't us versus them after all! Huh... does that make me a full-blown introvert???


----------



## sandy from Toronto

I'm an introverted mama, too. I've always felt bad about this...fearing that I'm not role modelling good social skills to my son. I also have this weird anxiety about having people over to my home, so we usually visit at our people's homes.

But I do always have a few very good friends, so at least I feel good about role modelling close friendships to my son.

oh well, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side!


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Thanks for the review! I'll add it to my list... can you elaborate on the best and worst chart of introverts/extroverts? What do you mean best/worst?

Well, it's got that section where it outlines the positives and negatives of both types. It jtst stood out to me because it pointed out that BOTH types can be good and bad...that it's not just neganive to be an introvert...that even extroverts have their weak points. Its not all bad to be either.

Sorry if that's dhsjointed...posting from phone and i've lost the same post three times. ugh.


----------



## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Thanks for the review! I'll add it to my list... can you elaborate on the best and worst chart of introverts/extroverts? What do you mean best/worst?

Well, it's got that section where it outlines the positives and negatives of both types. It jtst stood out to me because it pointed out that BOTH types can be good and bad...that it's not just neganive to be an introvert...that even extroverts have their weak points. Its not all bad to be either.

Sorry if that's dhsjointed...posting from phone and i've lost the same post three times. ugh.

Oh, of course! Thanks for clarifying... for some reason, I was thinking of a chart of best personality types versus worst personality types... but I knew it couldn't be that.


----------



## treehugz

thought i'd share my holiday experience/rant with you all... i spent FIVE WHOLE days at my inlaws house. they are a pretty small family (7 people total) but do EVERYTHING together. you're not really allowed to have alone/private time and i have been chastised in the past for not participating. after two days, i was completely over-interacted. when i made an escape to visit my family for a couple hours on christmas afternoon, it got ugly, and i was told i was "ruining christmas" by leaving on christmas day. by day 4, i was so crabby and cranky and i couldn't make conversation or be polite any more. it was so stressful. on day 5, i started coming down with a cold... i'm still getting over it.

NO WAY we're doing this arrangement next year. every year we alternate spending christmas or thanksgiving with my family or dh's family. so one year it's the entire thanksgiving (5 days) with dh's family and then the entire christmas (5 days) with my family. then next year we switch. i married into this plan b/c my bil's family lives far away and it's not practical for him to travel and visit them but for one holiday. but for me and my dh, it just doesn't make sense b/c our families are only an hour apart! there's no reason why we can't visit both families for both holidays... and sleep in our own beds and not go nuts!! but i have trouble being assertive about this because i just don't like for other people to know my business and what's going on in my head... anyone else (who's made it through my long rant







) find it difficult to be assertive like that?


----------



## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sandy from Toronto* 
I'm an introverted mama, too. I've always felt bad about this...fearing that I'm not role modelling good social skills to my son. I also have this weird anxiety about having people over to my home, so we usually visit at our people's homes.

I feel like this too sometimes, but DH is social enough for both of us and then some! But when it's just me doing the parenting (which is most of the time) it's usually just the two of us hanging out at home. We go to storytime at the library twice a week, which she loves, and that's about all the large-group socializing I can handle.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
thought i'd share my holiday experience/rant with you all... i spent FIVE WHOLE days at my inlaws house. they are a pretty small family (7 people total) but do EVERYTHING together. you're not really allowed to have alone/private time and i have been chastised in the past for not participating. after two days, i was completely over-interacted. when i made an escape to visit my family for a couple hours on christmas afternoon, it got ugly, and i was told i was "ruining christmas" by leaving on christmas day. by day 4, i was so crabby and cranky and i couldn't make conversation or be polite any more. it was so stressful. on day 5, i started coming down with a cold... i'm still getting over it.

NO WAY we're doing this arrangement next year. every year we alternate spending christmas or thanksgiving with my family or dh's family. so one year it's the entire thanksgiving (5 days) with dh's family and then the entire christmas (5 days) with my family. then next year we switch. i married into this plan b/c my bil's family lives far away and it's not practical for him to travel and visit them but for one holiday. but for me and my dh, it just doesn't make sense b/c our families are only an hour apart! there's no reason why we can't visit both families for both holidays... and sleep in our own beds and not go nuts!! but i have trouble being assertive about this because i just don't like for other people to know my business and what's going on in my head... anyone else (who's made it through my long rant







) find it difficult to be assertive like that?









Don't you just HATE it when people simply WILL NOT leave you alone? The worst was when I would choose to sit alone in the cafeteria at school or at college and read a book, and other people would insist on sitting and conversing with me because they "can't stand seeing someone sitting alone."
















I'm very comfortable as an introvert and a loner, but it can be awkward meeting new people simply because I don't want them to interpret my lack of talking to them to mean I dislike them, especially when the new person is of a different race or nationality. I certainly don't want them to think I'm a racist because I don't talk to them.

And yes, one thing I'm working on is being more assertive, but it's such an uphill battle.


----------



## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
*snip*
i have trouble being assertive about this because i just don't like for other people to know my business and what's going on in my head... anyone else (who's made it through my long rant







) find it difficult to be assertive like that?

Sorry you had such a miserable holiday.

I usually have trouble being assertive. I hemmed and hawed and drove myself crazy for 3-4 days before finally getting up the guts to turn down my parents' offer for plane tickets to go see them this holiday. I told them I didn't like flying much and that it was hard for me to be around everyone that would be in town all at once like that. They always want to have a gathering of everyone from each side of the family so we can all visit at the same time. Gack!

The weird part is that they were cool about it - but that what seemed to make it not insulting to them was that I didn't want to fly because I get nervous on planes. (Never mind the rest of it - I guess they don't get that, but since I don't like airlplanes then OK, we understand your not wanting to come. WTF?)


----------



## savannah smiles

OMG, treehugz! I can't imagine 5 days of non-stop visiting. Whenever I'm around other people for an extended period of time, I have to make sure I get time to recharge my batteries or I start to feel almost manically unhappy.

I made it through the 2 weeks of Christmas vacation pretty well, but only because I insisted on me time. I did beg my dh to take the girls out of the house for an afternoon so I could enjoy a quiet home but he ended up guilting me into going bowling with them instead. I so shouldn't have done that because it left me depleated and ticked off in general. The next day I told him I was heading out to the library and there I stayed for 3 blissfully quiet hours, lol!


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## PGTlatte

I feel like I am still not recovered from the holidays. Like I keep trying to come up from underwater and catch my breath and finally feel centered again, but just can't get quite enough air. Probably because I can't catch a break from our kids so I haven't had enough alone recovery time to reset my brain yet. Just wondering if anyone else still feels not quite over the drain of the holidays ?

Since I posted this, I had a couple hours to read by myself over the weekend. And I'm feeling much better. It really was my first opportunity to have that much time alone since the holidays began. I think it's interesting how much my feeling of "normal" is thrown off by not having any time to myself, and what a difference it makes.


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## IAMommy

I just found this thread. It is so long that I might be repeating something that someone already posted about. I am a total introvert (INTJ, or INFP depending), it drives my husband nuts, and I also worry about the fact that I am perfectly happy just staying home with DS. Is this harming his social skills? He is great with other kids when we are around them, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much.
It definitely hurts my relationship with my MIL. She is extroverted to the MAX and I can only be around her, like for two hours once a month. I don't dislike her, she just drains me more than anyone else I know. She and my DH both think I don't like her, and he doesn't understand my explanation.
So glad this thread is here, it makes me feel less alone.
Oh, one thing I do to kind of go inward while around others is crocheting. That way I don't have to make eye contact and can tune out while still being physically present.


----------



## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl* 
Don't you just HATE it when people simply WILL NOT leave you alone? The worst was when I would choose to sit alone in the cafeteria at school or at college and read a book, and other people would insist on sitting and conversing with me because they "can't stand seeing someone sitting alone."

















WHAT is with THIS?? I don't understand this logic!!

I took my kiddo to one of the mall play places so he could get some play time away from the house last weekend. I found a nice, off to the side seat and pulled out my book and got totally immersed (while keeping an eye out for the kiddo too).
A lady comes over and starts talking. I completely lost the first part of what she was saying cause I didn't even think she was talking to me.
I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you were saying cause I was off in another world." ...and I kind of motioned to the book...not trying to be rude...although I feel it's kind of rude to just go up to someone obviously immersed and interrupt their reading.








She said, "Oh, sorry. You just looked lonely over here and since our kids are playing together I thought you might want to chat."
Ugh. No. Not really.









And why is it that people in Dr's waiting rooms think that everyone wants to strike up a conversation? I actually really do want to read the magazines since I never get to any other time. Lol.


----------



## PGTlatte

I think they usually mean well...the people who say this, I think for them, it would be very upsetting to have to sit somewhere alone with nobody to talk to...so they assume it must be just as painful for everyone else, and out of kindness, come swooping in to save us from our "misery"









Sometimes though, it seems like it's the other person's own boredom or loneliness, not compassion....then it kind of bugs me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
WHAT is with THIS?? I don't understand this logic!!


----------



## Freedom~Mama

Oh jeez I hate that! There is this great place that I take my DDs to, to play. It is set up with all these activities so that the kids can play for hours and there are comfy couches so the Mom's can just sit and relax while keeping an eye on the kids. I cherish and look forward to those times to catch up on reading, writing etc. It seems though without fail someone will come up to me, sit down and start trying to talk to me. They can see I am reading and I don't want to be rude and tell them I don't want to talk...it is awkward though. Do I try to politely point out that I am really into a good book or do I muddle through awkward small talk even though I don't want to? I just don't get it. I am not one to ever initiate conversation as I hate small talk but I would never ever go up to someone that is sitting alone reading. I just don't get it! Agh! The frustrating of being a shy introvert.


----------



## agreenbough

treehugz, are you saying you live an hour away from your in-laws and have to be a houseguest at their house for five days??? That's AWFUL!!! My in-laws live 9 hours away so everybody feels the five to eight day visit is necessary. Everybody but me, that is. My dh's family is also large, close-knit, and always doing something. I never saw a bigger bunch of board game playing, joke telling, cooking from scratch bunch of people in my life. It's overwhelming, to say the least. But at least they do let me retire quietly to my room if I need to. But we visit three times a year for the above mentioned time period, and they visit us at least as much. And even that is too much togetherness for me. I need my space and quiet, and they are all so extroverted they think something is wrong with me. I've been in the family for 25 years and they still haven't figured it out. I'm thinking of instigating a new rule this year: No matter how far they travelled, no one stays at my house for longer than the weekend. Arrive Friday, leave Monday morning. If you need to stay longer, go to a hotel. If you don't go to a hotel, I'm going to a hotel.


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## Starflower

agreenbough -

Your hotel solution sounds good to me.









We live far away from family, too. When they come to visit, the in-laws stay here and we don't even have a guest room so it gets pretty crazy. However, they are also always into doing their own thing, so there isn't that pressure of spending extra time together. They also take us out for dinner a lot when they visit.

When my parents come to visit, they stay at a hotel by their own choice. If it's just mom, she might stay with us, but if it's both of them, they use a hotel. Part of it is that we don't have a guest room, so there is no comfy place for them to sleep. And we don't get along that well when we're together all the time so this gives them a place to get away. The main thing that started this though is my apparent substandard housekeeping abilities. My mom is a neat freak and can't relax here because she wants to fix everything up to be perfect.


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## agreenbough

Your'e lucky that they take you out to eat - when my in-laws visit, the majority of the visit seems to involve cooking and cleaning up. They don't eat out. I feel like I have to put on a dinner party every night, and as a rather extreme introvert, this is torture for me. My husband works late, so is not there to help. My mother-in-law will cook (and, in fact, usually brings groceries) but having someone else cooking in my kitchen is almost as stressful as doing it all myself. It's like a scavenger hunt trying to find things others have put away. And we have to have two or three vegetables and dessert every night. Not to mention I feel superfluous in my own house.

They don't really require entertaining - in fact, I have quit suggesting activities because they never want to do anything - they say they're happy just to hang around the house. They just live their lives as if they were in their own home. But really, if you don't want to go out and do things, why even visit? So I'm trying to live my usual life, too, having to work around them and feeling like I have an audience for everything I do. And I have to do my laundry in the middle of the night because my MIL will take it upon herself to do my family's laundry and she dries everything on hot - an accident waiting to happen.

They bring stacks of books to read. Again, if you're just going to read and putter around in the kitchen, why even visit? And this goes on for anywhre from 8 days to three weeks. This is why I feel I have to set a limit - I'm so frazzled by these visits I'm having a hard time even pretending to be nice. I do like them, but not underfoot for weeks!


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## Starflower

"But really, if you don't want to go out and do things, why even visit? "

I think their reason is probably that they like being around people regardless of what activities they are doing, especially their son and their grandchildren. My parents primarily come out just to see DD. They like to see me and DH too, but really their motivation is seeing DD. They both had close ties with their grandparents growing up, and so did my brother and me. This is one thing that makes living far away hard. I wish DD had more access to her grandparents. (But then again, there are definitely reasons other than financial that we live so far away from them.)

When we visit people we bring lots of books as well. Partly, because when DH is working so much, he only gets a chance to read while he's on the bus to and from work. Without the daily grind, we have more time for books while we're on vacation.

Their visits sound completely overwhelming. I can't stand people for more than a few days either - esp. when they take over my house. If people stayed 8 days to 3 weeks here, I'd go completely bonkers (and turn into a raving b****.) That's one reason my parents don't stay longer than about 4 days - I get so grouchy that we end up fighting a lot.

And do understand about the kitchen. When my MIL helps in the kitchen, her idea of getting dinner ready is very different from mine - especially about timing. (This is hard when we visit them as well. I often get low blood sugar before they finally get around to eating dinner.) Our own kitchen is tiny so it's hard for even just DH and I to get stuff done in there without tripping on one another - and we know where everything belongs!

I think limiting the amount of time people are welcome to stay at your house would be a good idea for you. Have you talked to DH about it yet? Is he on board?

I get very stressed at the idea of even having company. I imagine just knowing you wouldn't have to have company for extended periods of time might help you feel better.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
treehugz, are you saying you live an hour away from your in-laws and have to be a houseguest at their house for five days??? That's AWFUL!!! My in-laws live 9 hours away so everybody feels the five to eight day visit is necessary ... My dh's family is also large, close-knit, and always doing something. I never saw a bigger bunch of board game playing, joke telling, cooking from scratch bunch of people in my life. It's overwhelming, to say the least. But at least they do let me retire quietly to my room if I need to.

Yes, it is HORRIBLE. The only thing that would be worse is if they stayed at my house... YIKES!! I am so sorry... that must be really miserable for you. It's funny what you wrote about your inlaws though... my family is entirely introverted, each and every one of us, and we LOVE to play board games, tell jokes, and cook from scratch... but in between all that we all do our own thing and leave each other alone. When you want to socialize, you come and socialize. When you don't, you just disappear, no questions, no pressure. Not so with my inlaws though... they do EVERYTHING together and are mortally offended if you don't want to be around them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I get very stressed at the idea of even having company.

Ditto... makes my blood pressure go up and my skin crawl just reading about it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl* 







Don't you just HATE it when people simply WILL NOT leave you alone? The worst was when I would choose to sit alone in the cafeteria at school or at college and read a book, and other people would insist on sitting and conversing with me because they "can't stand seeing someone sitting alone."
















I hate this. It happens to me all the time, more so when I lived in the city and ate at restaurants, went to coffee shops multiple times daily, loved to sit at the parks, went for walks... all ALONE and by choice... a shocking thing too hard for some to understand it seems. Never failed that people would interrupt me... or guys would hit on my... or (the worst) I would get proselytized by a religious person... what am I easy prey?!?







There must be a polite way to blow people off, but I don't know it... but then, I've admitted I need to work on assertiveness.


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## Katielady

Hey all...I've been lurking for a while and haven't found the time to post. I'm a moderately introverted mama with one DS who's extremely extroverted, spirited, and high energy. DD kind of remains to be seen, but seems to be less extroverted than DS.

Anyway, I was feeling overwhelmed and decided to lock myself in the office for 5 minutes to regroup and check email. I've been working on this with DS, the idea that sometimes I need alone time and he has to entertain himself. I was in here for about 1 minute and I hear him shouting at the door. "Mama! Mama!" he says. "LOOK AT MY HAND!" He's sticking his hand under the crack of the door. I just had to laugh. He needs that feeling of connection and interaction ALL. THE. TIME.


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## agreenbough

I get really stressed at the idea of companyy, too, not just houseguests. If I can get away with it, I don't answer the door, and I don't invite people over. If my kids invite their friends, I'm okay with that. I don't love it, but I don't want my kids to suffer because of my discomfort. The major responsibility to entertain them is not mine, and I don't mind fixing snacks for them. They stay a few hours and go away.

My husband recently complained about how we don't have people over, but I'm sure it never crossed his mind that part of the reason I don't like having people over is that he NEVER cleans ANYTHING. He would think nothing of inviting people even if the house hadn't been vacuumed in weeks - he'd never notice it. Plus our living room isn't large, and there aren't enough chairs. We really only have room for five to sit, including us.

And the whole dinner party scenario makes my blood run cold. We've been married a long time, and he still doesn't understand introversion and doesn't even really want me to explain it to him. (He said he was tired of hearing about it, which to me is akin to me getting tired of hearing about him being left handed and insisting he become right handed.)(Sorry if I've used that analogy before, it's the best one I have - haha.)

I understand the idea with regard to in-law visits that having the kids spend time with their grandparents is one of the main benefits of the visits. But my in-laws don't really interact with my kids. They're like ships that pass in the night. The kids are teens and hole up in their rooms for most of the visit. And the in-laws are too busy reading all those books, cooking, and doing MY housework to spend time with them anyway. If I suggest an outing, to get us doing something TOGETHER, they (the in-laws) don't want to go. These visits are the only things my husband and I really fight about. I'm living in anticipation (fear? dread?) of the next time I'm told of an impending visit, because it's really going to hit the fan!!


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## agreenbough

Katielady, your post made me laugh. Once, when my son was about two and a half, I went into the bathroom and I told him I needed a some privacy. He immediately opened the bathroom door and came in. He announced, "I'm just going to watch you have some privacy."


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## Starflower

The right hand / left hand analogy is a good one.

lol about the little ones and the bathroom, katielady and agreenbough.


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## Mother Cake

Subbing.

Want to read all the other posts before I say more.


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## Freedom~Mama

Hello Mamas! Well I just started back at school...I was going to take some online classes and some classes at the college but at the last minute I chickened out and decided to take all online classes. I know it would prob. be good for me to get out of the house but the thought of being put on the spot in class (I hate it when Professors do that!) terrifies me. I remember what it felt like and I hated being called on randomly when I didn't have my hand up and either didn't know the answer or didn't want to answer. Anyway I guess it is better than nothing and once the weather warms up at least I will get out once a day taking the kids to the park and I take my oldest DD to school and sometimes stay to help. Hope everyone is having a great start to 2010. It has been a rocky start for me but things are starting to smooth out!


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## JessicaA622

Wow, that is me.


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## Starflower

Welcome, JessicaA622









Beautiful~Life - What kind of classes are you taking? Just curious.

DD is home sick today. I think it's related to dairy allergies/sensitivities since there is a definite pattern of her ingesting dairy and then getting sick. So we are stuck at home today. But so far, she's just watching TV.

I am also wondering how extroverted DD may or may not be. From my observations this summer, I had thought that she was very extroverted, but lately she's seemed more introverted. Part of this could be that she's been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. Or maybe it's because she's away from me 3 days a week at the Sudbury school. But I don't think that's meeting her social needs very well.

DD seems good at going into new social situations and meeting people as acquaintances, but she seems unable to make lasting friendships which is worrisome to me. I feel like she needs more support than she gets there. She also says that the homeschool kids were nicer in general.

We don't plan to continue at the same school next year so I'm not sure where that leaves us. Probably back to homeschooling which means I'll need to carefully plan things so that I don't get overwhelmed like last year. I have asked DH to help me plan the homeschool activities, even if I am the one who usually has to implement them. My thinking is that part of what I have trouble with is the planning and contacting people. Maybe if DH can take charge of part of that, I would feel less stressed out.

We're taking DD to a therapist tomorrow to try to help her with the anxiety. I'm hoping that intervening now will help her learn to cope in more appropriate ways. I have a history of panic attacks and still wrestle with OCD and depression at times, and I think that if my parents had been able to help me out earlier on, it would've helped me a lot. Instead, being the introvert of the family and never wanting to make waves, I ended up getting kind of lost in the shuffle of everyone else's business and problems.


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## mommyshoppinghabit

Hi everyone! I can't believe I've been an MDC member all this time and I have never joined a tribe. Well the time has come and this is the perfect place. But will anyone notice this introvert in sea of other introverts? I never really do get noticed in real life, not that I want to be the center of attention, but I do find the difference b/t me and the other moms I know irl to be glaring. They are all very chatty...me, after all the mommy small talk is over, I really find I'm at a loss for what else to say. I like talking about metaphysics, spirituality, anthropology, art, foreign travel. It's hard to make conversation about those topics to most people. I don't really have any really close friends (and I'm OK with that). I have _one_ friend I keep in touch with from all the previous situations I've had in my life (school, college, work) and we only talk maybe once a month, sometimes less than that, and I would never really pour out my soul to her. DH on the other hand, is an extrovert, to the nth degree, he gains energy from being around people. He needs recharging by being around people (sometimes it annoys me b/c he'll hang around w/people he himself will make fun of later, simply b/c no one else is available at the time to fill the "void"). I'm an info addict and a perfectionist, so therefore will research and research with very little action to show for it. But I've gotten to a place at last that I feel acceptance of who I am, and overall and pretty happy with my life.

Hope to be commiserating with all you ladies alot from now on.


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## Starflower

Hi, mommyshoppinghabit







I see you!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
I'm an info addict and a perfectionist, so therefore will research and research with very little action to show for it.

Well, that certainly sounds rather familiar.









Your preferred conversation topics sound great to me. I wish I could talk about those things with my family of origin because they seem to want to call and talk a lot but they only want to talk about how everyone is doing.

My mom tried to relate to me about books once, but then seemed annoyed because I read almost exclusively non-fiction and she wanted to bond over novels. On the rare occasion that I do read fiction, I prefer literary novels or a good sci-fi once in a while. Not her cup of tea, so that ended up being a no-go.


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## agreenbough

I'm married to an extreme extrovert, too, and even after 25 years he complains about me not being "social". I've tried to explain to him that the difference between Es and Is is mainly an energy issue, not an "I hate people" issue: extroverts gain energy from interacting with people and introverts gain energy from being alone, in their heads. This is probably the root of my problem with houseguests. Having to be "on" and chatty ALL. THE. TIME. After coming home form work - and I'm a receptionist, so by the time I get home, I've had enough of being "on" - I really need some space. My husband is the one with his phone stuck on his ear constantly. I rarely make phone calls, and only if I have to. I get tired of the sound of my own voice. And like others have said, the topics most people want to discuss are so boring - shopping (I hate shopping), details about what they did today, things that happened 50 years ago to their ex-neighbor's sister's cousin that I never met, what they had for lunch. It makes me want to scream!!!!


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## mommyshoppinghabit

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
And like others have said, the topics most people want to discuss are so boring - shopping (I hate shopping)

Well, obviously from my name, you can tell I _do_ like shopping







(but that name was chosen many moons ago and I don't really indulge in it as much), and I sometimes like to talk about shopping, but even with a topic as near and dear to my heart, I find it hard to make conversation with it irl. Like I find that people, no matter what the conversation topic is, either like to claim all-knowing supreme knowledge and therefore jump down your throat if you don't agree or absolute ignorance and a happiness with that ignorance, nothing in between, like from the point of view of someone who'd like to find out more.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
Well, obviously from my name, you can tell I _do_ like shopping







(but that name was chosen many moons ago and I don't really indulge in it as much), and I sometimes like to talk about shopping, but even with a topic as near and dear to my heart, I find it hard to make conversation with it irl. Like I find that people, no matter what the conversation topic is, either like to claim all-knowing supreme knowledge and therefore jump down your throat if you don't agree or absolute ignorance and a happiness with that ignorance, nothing in between, like from the point of view of someone who'd like to find out more.


Talking about shopping is fun while you are shopping. Sometimes I'd like to go shopping with a friend. I usually end up on my own. I like thrift shopping best.

I have found myself friends with people IRL who like to debate. They do (for the most part) seem to be interested in finding out different points of view, but in the end if they are not swayed, they will usually agree to disagree. I usually like to listen to the debates but don't often add to them. I always feel like I can't make my points well orally. I need to write them down to make any sense, especially if I feel strongly about something.

Most of these debating friends are part of a larger group and are what I would consider casual friends. I only have a few close friends and I don't even see them very often. I can usually hold my own in a conversation if it's one on one or maybe with 2-3 other people. More than that and I usually just get lost in the crowd. I tend to be polite, and not wanting to interrupt, I often lose my train of thought by the time there is a break in the conversation. Or the conversation progresses enough by the time I've figured out what I want to say that it's no longer relevant.


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## Starflower

I just read an article on introverts on a website for support of gifted individuals.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_so...orgotten.shtml


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## LucyRev

I'm very much like your description of yourself, Starflower. I am also better at getting my thoughts out in writing, holding my own in a conversation if there are 3 or less, not wanting to interrupt, waiting too long...preferring thrift shopping.









And now I can't think of anything else to say.


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## crabbyowl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I just read an article on introverts on a website for support of gifted individuals.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_so...orgotten.shtml

Great link!


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## Starflower

deleted - TMI


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## Starflower

deleted


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## HappilyEvrAfter

You ok, Starflower?








Missed your post, but just wanted to offer some







just in case.

Hope all is well...


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## Starflower

Thanks. I am mostly OK. I've been sick with a nasty cold which I'm trying to keep at bay because I have allergies and asthma which makes colds much more threatening. So far, I'm getting better but I didn't sleep well so I am tired.

I spent much of my time this weekend online throwing emails back and forth to deal with a sensitive situation that came up on the board I am on. Had to diffuse a situation that was very frustrating. Lots of damage control stuff. Still don't have the issue that started it resolved, but it will get there.

And I've been wondering if I even really want to be on the board or not. The stuff I had to do this past couple of weekends was because of my secretarial position. I'm just not sure if I should serve out my entire board term (2 more years after this June!) and just not be secretary. Or if I just want to quit and try to deal with life here.

I've been in this quandary about my commitments for some time now, but it really all just kind of blew up this weekend. The good news is that I've heard a lot of good feedback from other board members on how I handled things.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Aw, hugs. I don't enjoy those kinds of situations which is probably why I shy away from doing them.

I hope it all works out.







I don't post too, too much, but I'm always reading and just wanted to offer some hugs since your deletion was out of character.

And I hope you feel better!!!! Sending healing and sleep vibes your way.


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## mich

Starflower, hugs and


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## Starflower

Thanks for the hugs, HappilyEvrAfter and Mich.

I do type things up and not post them fairly often, but I don't know if I've every posted anything then deleted it before. That's definitely out of character. I tend to overthink everything I post so just posting and letting it go is pretty rare for me. Don't know if that's an introvert thing or an OCD thing or some warped combo I've got going on.

I am just really having trouble figuring out where I want to put my energies. Plus I don't like to go back on my word - like quitting the board after one year, but it's beginning to feel more like a sentence than a term, so maybe that's a huge clue right there. And most people would likely be understanding.

I think the part that makes it hardest is that I feel inadequate. There are other moms on the board who are much busier than I am, yet they manage to do this. (Two of them are introverts.) Another woman, whom I respect, quit after one year because she needed more time to deal with her kids. I relate a bit there - DD is going through a very rough time lately and I need to have the energy to deal with everything. But then I feel bad because I am a SAHM who rarely seems to ever get anything done. But the other mom who quit after one year is a single working mom with 2 kids. I only have one kid and I can hardly handle it. I guess I just keep comparing myself to other people which is not fair.


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## LucyRev

Comparing yourself really isn't fair. Of course, none of us can really resist.







Can you find another job to do that will actually make you happy? It sounds like this causes you more stress than happiness.


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## Starflower

LucyRev - You are right that it causes more stress than happiness. This is something I have been evaluating with all my activities lately. And I have started saying "no." Last month, I was set to start teaching private art lessons again to my friend's SN grown daughter. I decided it was just too much stress. I don't like teaching anyway, and the special needs make it even harder to figure out what works. I decided to cancel on her. It was a hard decision, but I felt very relieved after I told her.

I decided today that I am going to leave the board. My DD is having some difficulties and I really want to have my priorities straight. The board work is too draining and stressful. It gets in the way of life and my art time. If it were a paid job, I'd just leave. So it seems silly to stay in a position that is completely volunteer when I hate it.

I have not told the president yet. It's kind of a tricky time right now because we are trying to hire a new minister so I kind of want to wait things out at least until we find out if we can make an offer to the candidate or not. (Dependent upon funds.) I will talk to the pres in the next couple of weeks.

The trick will be to say "NO" anytime someone asks me to join a committee or such. I am going to give myself a timeline and just let people know that I am not available for anything for at least that long. (I'm thinking a year or two.)

I will continue my one activity which I find meaningful and refreshing and a place where I can grow: the choir. Other than that I will be off limits. I really need to focus on myself, my DD and my relationship with DH.

Today was a good day though I am glad to have some down time finally. DD didn't want to go to the demo school today, she wanted to be with mom. So we blew off "school" and I spent the afternoon with my DD at the kids' museum near here. We played together a lot and it was noisy and fun, but not too busy. But I was definitely ready to chill when I got home. I didn't get to, but I was ready.

Even though this school is compatible with our unschooly philosophies, I just don't think it's a good fit for DD. She needs more support. I'm pretty sure we're going to end up homeschooling again. So I am definitely going to have to work with her to find our best compromise between introverted and extroverted activities to keep us both sane. Luckily, she's a reading maniac, so I can probably get in some quiet time every day.

OK. Lots of







for the introvert thread. I'll sign off now.


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## Lilypie32

I may have to get this book. I often feel very overstimulated when around people. I prefer being home watching a good tv show or lying in bed reading a good book than going out shopping or whatever.

Since having my son 5 years ago, I feel even more introverted. We don't spend time with other parents at all except for an autism meetup group once a month. We both prefer to just stay home.







In fact, during the week I never go anywhere except to get him from the bus stop. I'm totally happy being home.

My ex-husband is a total extrovert. He was also talking about this, doing that, going here and there, always planning some new business, blah, blah, blah. Drove me insane. We finally divorced. Thank god.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lilypie32* 
I may have to get this book. I often feel very overstimulated when around people. I prefer being home watching a good tv show or lying in bed reading a good book than going out shopping or whatever.

Since having my son 5 years ago, I feel even more introverted. We don't spend time with other parents at all except for an autism meetup group once a month. We both prefer to just stay home.







In fact, during the week I never go anywhere except to get him from the bus stop. I'm totally happy being home.

My ex-husband is a total extrovert. He was also talking about this, doing that, going here and there, always planning some new business, blah, blah, blah. Drove me insane. We finally divorced. Thank god.

















Lilypie. Are you referring to the Highly Sensitive Person book or to one of the introvert books? I fit into the category of HSP and I don't like going to the mall because it's just too much stimulation.


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## Freedom~Mama

I just ordered The Highly Sensitive book from amazon. I have heard good things about it on here and I am looking forward to reading it. I am def. highly sensitive in addition to being an Introvert.

Anyone still struggling with fully accepting yourself as an Introvert? I have just had sooo many negative and embarrassing comments from people over the years about how quiet I am, how shy I am, how I never talk, asking me if I am okay, if there is something wrong with me etc. It has made it so hard for me to have self confidence because ever since I was little I was made to feel like a freak show for how quiet and shy I am. The funny thing is I have a great sense of humor, am intelligent and feel like I am interesting. People just never take the time to get to know me.


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## Lilypie32

I'm interested in reading the Introvert Advantage book.


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## Freedom~Mama

^it is really good! So many parts of the book made sense to me and make me think hmm so that is why I am...etc. It is a great book to read if you are an Introvert and have always wondered why you are the way you are. Growing up I was always made to feel like I was weird and different. One Mom of kids I babysat even went as far to ask my Mom if I was okay emotionally because I never talked. That stuck with me for years and made me feel like such a freak.


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## mommyshoppinghabit

I'm thinking about taking on some part time work now but my introversion has definitely not served me well in the career prospects. First of all, it's been seven years since my last job and I have not kept in touch w/anyone from any of the jobs that I have held. Heck, I don't keep in touch w/anyone except my immediate family. I know it's pretty easy to track people down in this day and age, but I feel so embarrassed to under the guise of just socializing when I'm really bad at that and really am doing it for a reference. My relationships with all my previous bosses never really end great either, not bad, just not great, again probably b/c they see me as being "cold" (one of my previous bosses actually went so far as to say that "other people told her" that I _was_ cold). Soo, what are the job options for someone w/no references who doesn't need to earn a whole lot of money (say mabye $1000/month part time?), and really doesn't have a strong social network?


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
I'm thinking about taking on some part time work now but my introversion has definitely not served me well in the career prospects. First of all, it's been seven years since my last job and I have not kept in touch w/anyone from any of the jobs that I have held. Heck, I don't keep in touch w/anyone except my immediate family. I know it's pretty easy to track people down in this day and age, but I feel so embarrassed to under the guise of just socializing when I'm really bad at that and really am doing it for a reference. My relationships with all my previous bosses never really end great either, not bad, just not great, again probably b/c they see me as being "cold" (one of my previous bosses actually went so far as to say that "other people told her" that I _was_ cold). Soo, what are the job options for someone w/no references who doesn't need to earn a whole lot of money (say mabye $1000/month part time?), and really doesn't have a strong social network?

If you don't have any contacts and don't want to have to network, you might consider a temp agency. Some of them have jobs which become permanent. Or some people like the flexibility of temping. But it can also be difficult having different people to work for all the time.

I have not had a full time job I liked since I moved here in 1998. I quit working in 2003 when my DD was born. By then, I had gone to part time work for a homecare agency for seniors. (This was not a temp agency - it was a full-on senior care business.) It was non-medical care. I chose my own hours and I got to meet clients first to see if we were a good fit. I had 3 regular clients and then I subbed once in awhile.

I like old people so it was interesting because most of the contact was one on one with the clients, in their homes, just basically helping them out. Part of the job was actually keeping them company, but I usually let them talk a lot. A couple of them were really fascinating people with very interesting histories. It didn't pay a lot, but the hours were flexible. I've considered going back to doing this part time now that DD is older, but I am kind of nurtured out right now and I really want to be able to focus on my art.

About the "cold" comments: I also have had the comments about my personality. I worked in retail for awhile (very draining and I hated it) and was told I was too volatile - the phrase the manager used was "hot or cold" - to change to a position where I'd be out of sales and in display design. He didn't seem to get that the display position would've been so much easier for me to do consistently since I'd be doing something I enjoyed, had experience in and it had limited customer interactions. He didn't even tell me in his office, I had to keep hounding him and then he just blurted it out on the floor in a very accusatory tone. I felt like he'd attacked me personally. My brain locked up and I couldn't even tell him _why_ the other position would work for me because I could understand the hot/cold thing in regards to sales.

After that, I dropped to part time, then lost most of my hours and just quit. The place was not run well. They ended up going out of business. Guess it wasn't just me being too hot or cold......

In any case, I want to be an artist. But I hate schmoozing and all. I am still trying to figure out how important the business end of art is for me, or whether I should just do it because I love it and if stuff sells, then great. I'm leaning toward the latter for now, then if things take off, I could go from there.

I wonder if there are very many introverts who are successful in running their own businesses. Every time I read about business, it just seems like a ton of networking and I hate doing that.

Has anyone read any books that talked about introverts and business and how they make it work?


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## mommyshoppinghabit

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
In any case, I want to be an artist. But I hate schmoozing and all. I am still trying to figure out how important the business end of art is for me, or whether I should just do it because I love it and if stuff sells, then great. I'm leaning toward the latter for now, then if things take off, I could go from there.

Me too! I'm really creative and am never lacking in inspiration (at least my bosses used to recognize that) but I have no training so would need to take some classes at least to learn how to handle different materials, on top the daunting networking thing.


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## Starflower

mommyshoppinghabit - Do you like taking classes to learn about new art mediums? I think that part is really fun. I attended a week-long sculpture workshop a little over a year ago and it was so wonderful! I have since realized that ceramic is not my medium of choice, though, so now I am trying to figure out what other methods I can use. I do have a lot of practical training (and a lot of impractical training that made things harder thanks to the college I went to, but that's another rant and story).

I live in a large metro area and there are many opportunities to learn more practical, hands on art stuff here. (If you have the money, which we no longer do







)

When we bought this house, half the reason we chose it was for the oversized detached garage which was supposed to be my studio. But DH was laid off two weeks after we moved and I had to get work. Then after a couple more years, I went to the part time job with the seniors and was getting my studio in place - again. Then I got pregnant and couldn't work due to a difficult pregnancy.

Fast forward a few years and I tried once again to get my studio up and running. Then rats got into our garage and destroyed many of my supplies. (They actually ate oil paint sticks.)

Now I am trying to focus on how I can realistically work out there when it's cold and the temps are unstable. We don't have the cash to put in a decent heating system. I also need better ventilation in there.

I have developed allergies and sensitivities to certain materials, too, so I have to be very careful. Ideally, I would like to work on sculpture part time and flat work part time. I do think I am slowly working toward my goal, but often finances and being a parent gets in the way. I wouldn't trade being a mom, but it does make the art thing harder for me. And DD is pretty high needs and mostly extroverted so that's hard to balance as well.

I have read some books a while back, but all my art business training was before the internet became really big. I think a lot of stuff had changed.

Right now, I just need to find the balance in my life to get to where I have the energy to actually do my art regularly. I do mostly sculpture and drawing and mixed media/experimental. I work almost exclusively with the figure and faces. (Perhaps ironic since I don't like being around people all the time?)

What do you like to do? You can PM me if you want to talk art, too.


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## Starflower

Quote:

I just ordered The Highly Sensitive book from amazon. I have heard good things about it on here and I am looking forward to reading it. I am def. highly sensitive in addition to being an Introvert.

Anyone still struggling with fully accepting yourself as an Introvert? I have just had sooo many negative and embarrassing comments from people over the years about how quiet I am, how shy I am, how I never talk, asking me if I am okay, if there is something wrong with me etc. It has made it so hard for me to have self confidence because ever since I was little I was made to feel like a freak show for how quiet and shy I am. The funny thing is I have a great sense of humor, am intelligent and feel like I am interesting. People just never take the time to get to know me.








Please let me know what you think of the HSP book. I did read it a few years ago and I had expected to like it better. I thought it was OK. I did join an HSP group for a short time. It was interesting but awkward: a group of 4 HSP introverts trying to have guided conversation. I think it could be useful, but I don't feel like it was what I was needing at the time. '

As for coming to terms with being an introvert? I have pretty much accepted that. But I can also fake the extrovert thing pretty well when needed. It's draining and awful, but I can hack it. (Retail and service jobs training, I guess.)

What I am having a bit of trouble with is finally admitting that I don't have a lot of energy. I am finally realizing that I have to choose more carefully which activities I am going to apply my energies toward, otherwise, I get worn out really easily. I think part of this is health related, but I also think being an introvert is a big part of my low energy equation. Not that I think all introverts have low energy. That's not it at all. It's just that having to live in an extroverted world and parenting an extroverted kid wears on me a lot.

So I guess in that way, I do have a bit of trouble accepting myself as an introvert. I am trying to stop comparing myself to others. When I do indulge in comparisons, I am trying to see if I am comparing myself to extroverts. If so, I immediately stop. But if I know the other person is an introvert, I have more trouble with the comparisons and wonder what's wrong with me.


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## savannah smiles

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
I'm thinking about taking on some part time work now but my introversion has definitely not served me well in the career prospects. First of all, it's been seven years since my last job and I have not kept in touch w/anyone from any of the jobs that I have held. Heck, I don't keep in touch w/anyone except my immediate family. I know it's pretty easy to track people down in this day and age, but I feel so embarrassed to under the guise of just socializing when I'm really bad at that and really am doing it for a reference. My relationships with all my previous bosses never really end great either, not bad, just not great, again probably b/c they see me as being "cold" (one of my previous bosses actually went so far as to say that "other people told her" that I _was_ cold). Soo, what are the job options for someone w/no references who doesn't need to earn a whole lot of money (say mabye $1000/month part time?), and really doesn't have a strong social network?

I'm into my second week working at home for Lionsbridge.com as an internet ratings accessor. There's a thread about it in the WAHM section. I like that I'm able to work at home, choose when to work, and the work itself gives my brain exercise. You should be able to make $1000/month or thereabouts.


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## Starflower

Well, I just emailed the board president with my resignation. I couldn't bring myself to call her up.









I don't know why this decision has been so difficult. Heck, I usually find the meetings draining and need two days to recover afterward, but I feel like I am grieving just the same. Also not looking forward to having to talk to the other board members and field questions and compassion (I gave medical reasons as why I am leaving). I appreciate the compassion and care of others, but I am very uncomfortable receiving it, even when I want it. Anyone else on here feel like that?

Maybe part of why this has been so hard is that resigning is an official notice that yes, I do have chronic health issues that need to be dealt with. And owning up to the fact that even when I am feeling reasonably healthy, I am probably never going to be one of those really energetic people that can juggle tons of activities and responsibilities.

And maybe I am realizing that my introversion is part why I am not energetic. I just need a LOT of down time. I do feel like it's hard to fit into this society sometimes as an introvert. Then if you're an introvert with issues......well that just makes it worse.









Might need to re-read Introvert Power and/or check out Introvert Advantage.


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## mommyshoppinghabit

Starflower, just dashing off a quick comment/reply. Wish I had more time to write a more lengthy one. I too have energy issues and maybe if I were to get a whole panel of lab tests done, they could find that this or that level was off, but I think most of it has to do with my thoughts. My thoughts are draining to me. If I stop and ask myself, "What am I actually thinking right now," (which is not something most of us do, we just think, and don't question), a lot of stuff can get purged out. If you ever read Eat Pray Love, it's kind of like how Elizabeth Gilbert used to write in her journal questions to herself and just sort of wait for the answer to come. As introverts, we may have a disadvantage as there are just more thoughts, as we are not as caught up in interacting with others.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
Starflower, just dashing off a quick comment/reply. Wish I had more time to write a more lengthy one. I too have energy issues and maybe if I were to get a whole panel of lab tests done, they could find that this or that level was off, but I think most of it has to do with my thoughts. My thoughts are draining to me. If I stop and ask myself, "What am I actually thinking right now," (which is not something most of us do, we just think, and don't question), a lot of stuff can get purged out. If you ever read Eat Pray Love, it's kind of like how Elizabeth Gilbert used to write in her journal questions to herself and just sort of wait for the answer to come. As introverts, we may have a disadvantage as there are just more thoughts, as we are not as caught up in interacting with others.

My thoughts definitely get in the way. I have OCD so sometimes they just won't leave. Most of the time I have decent control over the OCD, but under times of stress, it sneaks back in. I also have trouble with panic disorder and depression. Not a fun mix.

The introversion sometimes seems to make things worse for me, although I have done a LOT of amazing inner work lately just on my own, through journaling and just thinking about stuff. So while I am in a difficult time of life lately, I know I am progressing in a way I want to be. I was actually feeling pretty good about stuff until some more physical stuff got in the way again.

My hormones are all out of whack which makes my periods hellish and leaves me anemic. I'm working with my ND on this, but so far, nothing much has helped. We tried to regulate things and they got worse. Next week, I go for a pelvic ultrasound to see if I have fibroids or something else like that before we try anything else. There's some other physical stuff too but I won't go into all that.

"What am I thinking right now?" sounds like a good question to see if I'm in an OCD loop or if I am just plain fretting/worrying too much. I will add it to my toolbox. Maybe I'll check out Eat Pray Love. It sounds like a good book.

Thanks for your response.

By the way. I got the response from the board president and she was awesome.







I am feeling very much relieved and I feel supported as both a colleague and as a mom.


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## Starflower

I was just playing some lovely piano music from on of my favorite movies: _Amelie_. It's a wonderful, quirky French film about a very shy young introvert. The piece I am currently trying to learn is called "La Valse d'Amelie" (Waltz of Amelie) and I think really represents introverts very well. The music is subtle and almost simple in the beginning, though with rich chords as if it's holding back. Then toward the middle it becomes beautifully layered, complex and a bit intense before ending with the same simpler chords as the beginning.

I love this piece because it seems to really represent the character of Amelie: someone who is so quiet you may not even notice her, but if you take the time to get to know her, she is beautiful and complex and has much to offer. I think introverts in general are often this way - at first glance we may not show much to the outside world, but if you give us space and time, we may open up and show beauty that you may never have seen before.

Amelie is definitely my favorite introvert character. What are some other introverts from films or books that you all like?


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## Lilypie32

My ex and I owned 2 small businesses and I hated it. You always had to talk to customers and schmooze for jobs, etc. Yuck.

Now I work from home as a medical transcriptionist and I LOVE it. I don't have to deal with anyone. I type, type, type and it is nice.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyshoppinghabit* 
First of all, it's been seven years since my last job and I have not kept in touch w/anyone from any of the jobs that I have held. Heck, I don't keep in touch w/anyone except my immediate family. I know it's pretty easy to track people down in this day and age, but I feel so embarrassed to under the guise of just socializing when I'm really bad at that and really am doing it for a reference.

I'll be in the same boat when I return to work. I have so much guilt for not keeping in touch with my former bosses.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
As for coming to terms with being an introvert? I have pretty much accepted that. But I can also fake the extrovert thing pretty well when needed. It's draining and awful, but I can hack it. (Retail and service jobs training, I guess.)

Me too Starflower. I consistently score 100% introverted on the tests, but I can turn on my extrovertedness when I need to, can enjoy small amounts of socializing, and have had very social jobs with lots of networking at times (for example, organizing scientific conferences, community outreach)... but then I would feel totally SICK and take a long LONG time to recover.

My favorite job was when I spent 90% of the time in my office, which was appropriately called "The Hole". It was at the end of a dark quiet hallway that people rarely went down. My boss didn't care whether I worked in middle of the night or if my door was closed as long as I was productive at checking things off our to do list and was on the ball during the 10% social time. I was so productive at that job!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
What I am having a bit of trouble with is finally admitting that I don't have a lot of energy. I am finally realizing that I have to choose more carefully which activities I am going to apply my energies toward, otherwise, I get worn out really easily. I think part of this is health related, but I also think being an introvert is a big part of my low energy equation. Not that I think all introverts have low energy. That's not it at all. It's just that having to live in an extroverted world and parenting an extroverted kid wears on me a lot.

I relate with this too... I feel like my energy is just sapped. My dc is somewhat high need and I'm home with her 24-7. Since dd was born, I can count the number of hours I've spent alone in my house on one hand (she's now 2). I'm really feeling like I'm not a great parent lately. I'm ISTJ, close to 100% in each category. I like checklists... the lists I have as a SAHM are so depressing... I feel like I just tread water and never actually complete anything (laundry, dishes, trip to museum, continue to work on potty time... all these have to go back on the list the next day/week!!!). I like my environment to be organized, but I seem to lack the big picture thinking to create an organized environment... a terribly ironic combination. I'm not creative, so I struggle to come up with ideas for things to do with my dc... I get my ideas from books, but I never have a quiet moment alone to read! I want to homeschool, so I've recently been panicking that I won't be able to get it together enough to teach dd well enough and that maybe she'd be better off in preschool. Somebody compared trying to be extroverted to using your left hand... I feel like I've been using my left hand ever since dd was born. I love her so so much and I love being home with her. But the work part of being a SAHM seems so foreign to me... can the pros of my personality be used to make me a better SAHM or should I just go back to work? Clearly, it's too late at night for me to be up and typing!!!


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## trustedinstincts

You guys all sound like I feel all the time







I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one!


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## Starflower

Welcome, trustedinstincts - I like your user name. The more I search around for books and on the internet, the more I find there are a lot of introverts out there.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 

My favorite job was when I spent 90% of the time in my office, which was appropriately called "The Hole". It was at the end of a dark quiet hallway that people rarely went down. My boss didn't care whether I worked in middle of the night or if my door was closed as long as I was productive at checking things off our to do list and was on the ball during the 10% social time. I was so productive at that job!

This sounds like a wonderful job balance!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I relate with this too... I feel like my energy is just sapped. My dc is somewhat high need and I'm home with her 24-7. Since dd was born, I can count the number of hours I've spent alone in my house on one hand (she's now 2). I'm really feeling like I'm not a great parent lately. I'm ISTJ, close to 100% in each category. *I like checklists... the lists I have as a SAHM are so depressing... I feel like I just tread water and never actually complete anything (laundry, dishes, trip to museum, continue to work on potty time... all these have to go back on the list the next day/week!!!). I like my environment to be organized, but I seem to lack the big picture thinking to create an organized environment... a terribly ironic combination.* I'm not creative, so I struggle to come up with ideas for things to do with my dc... I get my ideas from books, but I never have a quiet moment alone to read! I want to homeschool, so I've recently been panicking that I won't be able to get it together enough to teach dd well enough and that maybe she'd be better off in preschool. Somebody compared trying to be extroverted to using your left hand... I feel like I've been using my left hand ever since dd was born. I love her so so much and I love being home with her. But the work part of being a SAHM seems so foreign to me... can the pros of my personality be used to make me a better SAHM or should I just go back to work? Clearly, it's too late at night for me to be up and typing!!!

The part in bold is just like me as well. I make a lot of lists. Sometimes they even get done.







Right now I am trying not to worry about it so much, but that is easier said than done.


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## Freedom~Mama

I am a list maker too. It really helps me to feel organized and accomplished even if the list just consists of errands and cleaning etc that I need to do.


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## trustedinstincts

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 







Welcome, trustedinstincts - I like your user name.

Thanks...it's the name I picked for my doula work. I'm with you guys on the lists as well. I have a chart on my fridge for the week and it does get depressing when it never changes day in, day out. I think winter has a lot to do with it for me as well. I hate it when it's dark out all the time!


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## Freedom~Mama

Yeah the winter blues are tough for sure.


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## BaBaBa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I relate with this too... I feel like my energy is just sapped. My dc is somewhat high need and I'm home with her 24-7. Since dd was born, I can count the number of hours I've spent alone in my house on one hand (she's now 2). I'm really feeling like I'm not a great parent lately. I'm ISTJ, close to 100% in each category. I like checklists... the lists I have as a SAHM are so depressing... I feel like I just tread water and never actually complete anything (laundry, dishes, trip to museum, continue to work on potty time... all these have to go back on the list the next day/week!!!). I like my environment to be organized, but I seem to lack the big picture thinking to create an organized environment... a terribly ironic combination. I'm not creative, so I struggle to come up with ideas for things to do with my dc... I get my ideas from books, but I never have a quiet moment alone to read! I want to homeschool, so I've recently been panicking that I won't be able to get it together enough to teach dd well enough and that maybe she'd be better off in preschool. Somebody compared trying to be extroverted to using your left hand... I feel like I've been using my left hand ever since dd was born. I love her so so much and I love being home with her. But the work part of being a SAHM seems so foreign to me... can the pros of my personality be used to make me a better SAHM or should I just go back to work?

Wow! I could have written your post. Actually, I'm an ISTJ as well. Maybe that has something to do with it.








Going back to work isn't an option for me due to some other lifestyle factors for me. But, I sympathize with your dilema.
It's funny BEFORE DD was quite judgemental of mothers who worked when they financially didn't need to but NOW I see the value in preserving some individuality.
I find being a SAHM an incredible mental/psychic strain.
Funny, I also was devoted to homeschooling but now I'm so excited with the prospect of sending DD to JK this fall. 4 mornings a week to myself sounds like heaven.


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## Freedom~Mama

I am quite proud of myself. I survived my DD's birthday party. It was in a very busy place and between the kids and parents that came to my DD's party all of the noise and people were pretty overwhelming. I did okay though!


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## Starflower

Congratulations, Beautiful Life!

Kids b-day parties can be so overwhelming! Glad you made it through OK.

DD has been to 3 kid parties in the past month, two of which I had to attend as well. DD's own b-day isn't until June and I'm already trying to figure out what to do for it. She loves parties. I don't.

My DH thinks I'm weird because I am already trying to plan our summer travels to visit family and friends. He just doesn't get how overwhelming the car travel plus the family visits are for me. (It doesn't help that my family has "issues" either.) I just feel like I need a long time to prepare for things like this.

Is anyone else already planning for summer visits?


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## geek_the_girl

I love this thread..Im sure ive been on here but its been a long time.

I am a definite introvert. I really am happiest at home. If i have to spend time with a bunch of people or attend any kind of social function, it takes me days to recoup. Im also not a big fan of the TV or the phone. I only talk to immediate family or a close friend or two on the phone and even then its not much.

Thank goodness my dh and dd are the same.


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## mariamadly

We just made it through several days without power here . . . my mother and several close friends had power, and our neighbors had a generator going. They all went out of their way to offer us anything you can imagine. But when it was time to lug the dishes and ourselves to some running water, I prevailed on DH to take me down to his office where I wouldn't have to interact with anybody.


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## Starflower

MariaMadly - Glad your ordeal without power is over now. Smart thinking about going to the office! We lost power for 8 days a couple winters ago and it was pretty awful. Glad your lives are getting back to normal.

Well - here's my good news: I finally made a phone call to my health insurance to get some paperwork I need for reimbursements through our HSA.

The bad news? Or pathetic news perhaps?
I put off this phone call since the end of September and we missed out getting reimbursed on a big chunk of health premiums money.







At least DH wasn't mad at me. He didn't call either, but it was my insurance. We do have a lot of medical bills, so hopefully, it will even out. Especially since it won't even cover all our premiums combines anyway. (DD's and DH's are automatically reimbursed, but I am on separate insurance because they considered me high risk. It still makes me feel







but I'll spare the details.)

Anyway, I procrastinated the call long enough to make it irrelevant. This makes me feel dumb. I have made other phone calls over the past four months, but this one for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to do. (Been fighting depression and anxiety over here in addition to the regular introvert aversion to making calls.)

But at least the pressure is gone now. And I did finally call so I can get things right from now on. Sigh.


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## Starflower

Facebook is starting to bug me again. I have about 80+ friends on there. I know all of them IRL except one. Most are local. I like that I can keep up with their lives without having lots of chit-chat IRL.

Lately, there have been two birthday parties amongst my friends. One is someone I'd actually like to get to know better. The other is fine as an acquaintance type friend. I was not invited to either party. Makes sense. First one may have invited me except that she has cats - and I have bad allergies. Second one - we don't pal around anyway.

So here's the part that doesn't make much sense:

Now I am feeling kind of left out because all over FB they are all posting pix and yakking about what a great time they had. It feels like when I was in school and didn't get invited to anything. I'm hit and miss with social gatherings as it is because I'm introverted. But part of me still feels excluded. Is this weird?

I hardly even post on FB anyway. I have mostly been keeping it because it helped me get in touch with a couple people I hadn't seen in years and really missed.


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## bluebirdiemama

Yes I am def. an introvert. It makes things a little hard for me sometimes because I am also shy, without a car, and have only one friend with whom I can have a *real* conversations with.
My husband can be in inward person, but a lot of time likes to socialize and "hang out". I always feel weird for feeling this way, but I don't quite know how to "hang out". Especially when it is with people I don't know well at all.

Anyways, I'm sure I will be back here to read all these other posts


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## LucyRev

FB bothers me too. I never used to get jealous of anyone. I wished everyone well and I still do, but lately FB just makes me compare myself to others. I'm PMSing right now so that's probably adding to my irritation.

I'm feeling a little nutty today. I haven't been seeing my handful of friends very often because when I get a little bit of time, I would rather be alone. I hate calling people. It is just hard to reach out. I feel like I need to know in advance, and be mentally prepared if I'm going to be social. It seems like all my other mom friends are making plans every single day, their friendships becoming stronger and stronger. And somehow they still have energy/time to do other stuff too?

I'm homeschooling my girls (nearly 4 & 7) and I've been having a hard time remembering that this truly is what I want to do. That this is the best choice for us. I believe in it so strongly, and trying to be quite unschoolish about it... but it makes me feel like I'm on the farthest back burner there is. I want my kids to see me following my passions too, but it's so hard to find the time. I'm getting really really jealous of parents who feel good about sending their kids to school and have that time when they are off kid-duty.

I can't see other options for us. Public school made our whole family insane. My oldest daughter says she'll never go to any school again, and honestly, I don't want her to. I guess I need to ask family again for someone to please babysit for a few hours once every week or two. I have asked before and they say yeah, but then won't ever do it. It's so hard for me to ask for help and especially since I've already been rejected I just can't imagine asking again.

Someone on MDC recommended reading The Artist's Way. I've been doing it for 5 or 6 weeks now, and it is great, but you are supposed to write 3 quick steam of consciousness pages of journaling each morning, and commit to spending 1-2 hours a week doing something alone that inspires you...refills your creativity cup. All that is supposed to help you BE more productive and inspired and creative. It is working. I get up early before the kids to have time for journaling, and then hope I'll have some time left to work on a project before they get up (usually doesn't work out). I am feeling more inspired and want to create more. However, it's difficult to work on stuff with the kids around because they always want to help, or need guidance, or want to use up my supplies. And I feel like a total idiot that this is my big problem. This heap of nothing. It's not even a real problem. I don't deserve to feel bad about this when I have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent.


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## mommy212

Me, me







But I do get to a point where I get lonely for adult company, it takes a while and I am always exhausted afterward.


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## Starflower

Bluebirdie and mommy212 -









Quote:


Originally Posted by *LucyRev* 
I haven't been seeing my handful of friends very often because when I get a little bit of time, I would rather be alone. I hate calling people. It is just hard to reach out. I feel like I need to know in advance, and be mentally prepared if I'm going to be social. It seems like all my other mom friends are making plans every single day, their friendships becoming stronger and stronger. And somehow they still have energy/time to do other stuff too?

I can so relate to this!


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## sanssouci

It's so refreshing to read thoughts that could be my own!
LucyRev - I could relate to so much of what you shared!
I'm in such inner turmoil right now concerning whether or not to continue to homeschool my 11 year old son. The only con is that I'm emotionally drained, and therefore don't feel as though it's a healthy balance. I also don't like my son experiencing me with such low energy, and that I'm not being fully present, n creative. I adore the Artists Way. That's a really wonderful tool. I would try to offer yourself more grace rather than guilt, if you don't get to your journaling. And perhaps take a brisk 15 minute walk before the kids wake. I've forced myself out of the house this past week at 530 am for a yoga class, that I know will recharge me. I too, have been feeling envious of the women who have so many hours to themselves on a daily basis. Hence, why I question whether homeschooling is the right choice for our family.
*sigh*


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## FallenofTrack

Hi everyone. I found out about this site, yesterday, and have been reading through this particular thread. I can very much relate to the comments from other members. I am a stay-at-home mother to a daughter who just turned two last month. As an introvert, parenting has been draining, to me. From my observations, my daughter exhibits a highly extroverted temperament, while I am a highly expressed introvert. I find that I basically have very little time to myself because my daughter loves to be by my side, unless she is watching one of her educational programs and playing with her toys. The only time I really get a break is when my boyfriend gets home from work, after working long hours, most days. By that time, I really feel drained, irritable, and moody.

More about myself: I found out that I was introverted when I was 18, when a coworker happend to mention that her boyfriend was introverted, but I didn't really take into consideration, the significance of what introversion meant, until I was 24. At that time, I started to seriously research personality/temperament types and gained understanding about why I had certain characteristics. I can relate to others who stated that they didn't really understand themselves during their childhood/young adult years and were criticized for behaving differently from the more outgoing, extroverted types. Like others, here, I have been called stuck-up, cold, and even b**ch. I think that my mother is an introvert, and I know that my father is outgoing and extremely extroverted. He is the type who can go into a room full of strangers and feel very comfortable making small talk and engaging others. People are just naturally drawn to him. My father thinks that I am weird because I am reserved, and I don't feel comfortable talking to any and everybody.

I've realized that people don't really know what to make of me, because I am quiet, so they just assume that I think I am better than others when really I don't think any thing of the sort. I've also realized that there are some people, specifically some extroverted people, who seem to think that my opinions, feelings, and complaints aren't as important, simply because I am not as outwardly expressive about everything.

I've never had an easy time making friends. I struggle with social anxiety in addition to being introverted. I also feel nervous when I am around a large group of people and find it difficult to engage in small talk. However, there are those rare occasions in which I find that I feel very comfortable around someone whom I have just met, and I can spend a long time talking to that person. It usually doesn't happen, but once in a while, I do meet a kindred spirit.

I can relate to those of you who hate using the phone. I just find it to be intrusive and annoying. I realized that I prefer written communication or email, so I can gather my thoughts, because I'm not very good at verbal communication, specifically when it comes to stating my wants and needs. Ive been somewhat sarcastic, in the past, and I've recently been learning about how to be assertive, since I was sorely lacking in that skill. I find that this trait is especially important when dealing with those extroverts who think that they can walk all over people who seem to be more quiet and appear timid.

I've read _Introvert Advantage_, _The Loner's Manifeso_ (I am a loner and an introvert), and I would like to read some of the other books that have been mentioned here.

Anyway, I am happy that I happened upon this forum.


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## KBinSATX

Great to have you here!


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## Starflower

*FallenofTrack -*









Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
've also realized that there are some people, specifically some extroverted people, who seem to think that my opinions, feelings, and complaints aren't as important, simply because I am not as outwardly expressive about everything.

Thanks for the great introduction. I highlighted the part above because I found myself nodding while reading it.
*
sanssouci -*








Nice to have you here as well. We homeschool as well. DH always says that he's not worried about DD being homeschooled, but he worries about me getting enough time to myself. I am familiar with this dilemma already and DD is a lot younger than your DC. We're trying to figure out how to do it differently this year so we have a better balance. Still a work in progress. I hope you find what works for your family, whatever you decide.


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## FallenofTrack

Starflower, thanks for the welcome. From reading some of your comments, I see that you and I have some things in common. Like you, I also struggle with depression, so I know how difficult it can be just to get through the days, and having to fight the feeling of not wanting to do anything because of lack of energy. I also procrastinate, a lot, when it comes to making phone calls, for both trivial and important matters. I used to write, a lot, but I am more interested in proofeading.

For those of you who mentioned homeschooling, I have also been thinking of homeschooling my daughter. I went to public school and hated the experience. I am also scared to have my daugher attend public school because I really just don't trust having my daughter in the care of others. At least when she is home, I know what is going on and how she is being treated. I am going to have to do some serious research before I make a decision.


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## olliepop

Hi. Definitely an Introverted Mom of 2. I have a 6 year old dd who has Selective Mutism and I've often wondered if it's a somewhat extreme case of introversion.

Anyway, I've been lurking for two days now and decided to finally come out of hiding with a question.

The other day I mentioned to friends that I like going to the movies alone. They thought it was the most bizarre thing they'd ever heard. I explained that if DH and I have a chance to go out w/o dc, we pick going to dinner (where we can talk) over a movie. Also, I find it exhausting having to talk about a movie afterwards -- my dh and I went to the movies with another couple once and all they did was dissect and discuss every single thing when all I wanted to do was digest it.

There are only a few movies I like to see in the theater (the rest I can wait for and watch with DH on DVD) and when I do go alone, I love not having to chat before the movie starts or discuss when it ends. I didn't think there was anything weird about it. You're not supposed to talk during the movie anyway, so why is it a big deal?

My friends thought I was crazy. So please tell me that at least some of you like to go to the movies alone.


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
The other day I mentioned to friends that I like going to the movies alone. They thought it was the most bizarre thing they'd ever heard. I explained that if DH and I have a chance to go out w/o dc, we pick going to dinner (where we can talk) over a movie. Also, I find it exhausting having to talk about a movie afterwards -- my dh and I went to the movies with another couple once and all they did was dissect and discuss every single thing when all I wanted to do was digest it.

There are only a few movies I like to see in the theater (the rest I can wait for and watch with DH on DVD) and when I do go alone, I love not having to chat before the movie starts or discuss when it ends. I didn't think there was anything weird about it. You're not supposed to talk during the movie anyway, so why is it a big deal?

My friends thought I was crazy. So please tell me that at least some of you like to go to the movies alone.

Glad you brought this up. I get looked at like a freak when I tell someone I saw a movie alone.
We were chatting about the Twilight movies the other day and a girl I work with said it would be great if we all planned a big premier trip to see New Moon. I totally cringed inside and acted like I had other plans that weekend.
I don't mind being in the theatre with other people, but I hate going to the movie with someone else. I want to see, absorb, relish, digest and remember.
People are ALWAYS astonished when it slips out that I went alone. I haven't spoken to one person who thought it was perfectly ok (or maybe they just didn't want to admit it).

And don't even get me started on the looks I got when I happened to mention I went to Applebee's alone.














Why is it so freaky to want to enjoy a meal in a public place by myself?


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
Hi. Definitely an Introverted Mom of 2. I have a 6 year old dd who has Selective Mutism and I've often wondered if it's a somewhat extreme case of introversion.

Anyway, I've been lurking for two days now and decided to finally come out of hiding with a question.

The other day I mentioned to friends that I like going to the movies alone. They thought it was the most bizarre thing they'd ever heard. I explained that if DH and I have a chance to go out w/o dc, we pick going to dinner (where we can talk) over a movie. Also, I find it exhausting having to talk about a movie afterwards -- my dh and I went to the movies with another couple once and all they did was dissect and discuss every single thing when all I wanted to do was digest it.

There are only a few movies I like to see in the theater (the rest I can wait for and watch with DH on DVD) and when I do go alone, I love not having to chat before the movie starts or discuss when it ends. I didn't think there was anything weird about it. You're not supposed to talk during the movie anyway, so why is it a big deal?

My friends thought I was crazy. So please tell me that at least some of you like to go to the movies alone.


Hi olliepop, I can totally relate to this. I don't go to the movie theatre that much anymore, but when I used to go, I went by myself, most of the time. Part of the reason I went by myself was because I didn't really have any friends with whom to go and the other reason was simply because I liked going by myself and didn't really consider it to be weird. I've been going to the movies, by myself, ever since I was a teenager, and I never thought it was odd. I used to be a cinephile, so I would go to the movies on a regular basis and I would rent videos, alot. During college, when I met my boyfriend, he and I would go to the movies, together, but I would go alone, if he wasn't available. He and I would watch a movie and then talk about the storyline and characters. One thing that I did enjoy about going to see a movie, at the theatre, was the shared movie experience that came from being in a packed theatre. Oh, I also had selective mutism when I was in high school. There was one class in particular, in which I wouldn't say anything, and the teacher would get really annoyed and pick on me. Most of the other students seemed extroverted or at least more socially adept than me, so they had no problem participating. So the teacher thought I was odd.

To HappilyEvrAfter, I also don't mind going to eat by myself, but when I do that, it's usually at a coffee shop, because I like the idea of being in a cozy atmosphere and usually people will go to coffee shops by themselves, anyway, so they can get a bite to eat and read or do work. When I was in college, a coffe shop opened up in town, and I would go there by myself, and get a bite to eat and work on school assignments. I really liked doing that.


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## olliepop

Quote:

We were chatting about the Twilight movies the other day and a girl I work with said it would be great if we all planned a big premier trip to see New Moon. I totally cringed inside and acted like I had other plans that weekend.

I did the same thing. I passed on a big New Moon Premiere movie trip with the girls and went alone the following Saturday morning. It was fantastic. Besides I definitely like to be alone w/Edward. LOL


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
I did the same thing. I passed on a big New Moon Premiere movie trip with the girls and went alone the following Saturday morning. It was fantastic. Besides I definitely like to be alone w/Edward. LOL









I really meant to say the Eclipse premier, but sounds like you know what I was trying to say.















Sorry, I get all obsessively excited about Twilight.
















TTE!! (Totally Team Edward)







^5

/threadjack over









Quote:

To HappilyEvrAfter, I also don't mind going to eat by myself, but when I do that, it's usually at a coffee shop, because I like the idea of being in a cozy atmosphere and usually people will go to coffee shops by themselves, anyway, so they can get a bite to eat and read or do work. When I was in college, a coffe shop opened up in town, and I would go there by myself, and get a bite to eat and work on school assignments. I really liked doing that.
Oh, I love doing this too. I can even go to these places to sit and just watch people for hours. Not in the creepy, stalker, "watching people" way....you know what I mean. Lol.


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## olliepop

Whew! Just relieved to know I'm not the only one.









Quote:

Oh, I also had selective mutism when I was in high school. There was one class in particular, in which I wouldn't say anything, and the teacher would get really annoyed and pick on me. Most of the other students seemed extroverted or at least more socially adept than me, so they had no problem participating. So the teacher thought I was odd.
FallenofTrack, I would love to talk to you more about SM some time. Kindergarten was a tough year for dd, but she's doing so much better now that she's in first grade.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:

Oh, I love doing this too. I can even go to these places to sit and just watch people for hours. Not in the creepy, stalker, "watching people" way....you know what I mean. Lol.
To HappilyEvrAfter, I know exactly what you mean. As a matter of fact, sometimes when I go to a coffee shop to read or get some work done, I end up being distracted by what is going on around me. Take today for example, I went to Dunkin Donuts with my textbook, with the objective to study and take some notes, but the place was sort of busy so that ended up being a distraction. Some other posters have mentioned being sensitive to their environment, and I think that I am also like that. I can usually study in coffee shops but it has to be at a time when the place isn't very busy with customers. So about half an hour after going to Dunkin, I had to come back home because I wasn't getting any studying done.

Quote:

FallenofTrack, I would love to talk to you more about SM some time. Kindergarten was a tough year for dd, but she's doing so much better now that she's in first grade.
To olliepop, sure, and that's good that your daughter is doing better now. As I had said in my previous post, I showed signs of selective mutism when I was in high school. My situation was that in addition to being introverted, I always had a shy streak, and when I transferred to a new high school for sophomore year, the environment was very different from my previous high school, and the attitudes of the people were much different. Also, I was mostly placed in advanced placement classes and most of the other students who were in those classes were a lot more outgoing and extroverted than I was, and most of them had known each other for years, so I definitely felt strange being around those students. I really dreaded going to the AP classes because of the differences in my personality compared to theirs. I ended up not really talking to any of those students for the years that I was at that high school. However, I did talk to some of the students that were in the regular, college prep courses. I felt much more comfortable around the college prep students and I actually participated in the college prep courses. The teacher that I had for the advanced placement courses would have been greatly shocked to see the difference in my level of participation in the college prep courses.


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## Starflower

I like to go to the movies by myself, but I don't very often. Not sure why not. If the theater is busy, it makes me want to avoid it.

I also like to go out to eat alone. I do this quite a bit, but I just really like eating food I didn't have to prepare or clean up after.

I do have a weekly(ish) lunch date with one friend which I usually enjoy though she is usually a bit rushed. Last week, she asked if she could bring her mom and sister. I'd met them both before. I can handle her mom (I think she may be another introvert). But that day, I should've just gone by my instincts and just canceled our plans. I was way stressed from the small talk with her sister. Part of it was introvert stuff, part of it was trying to make small talk with someone so different from me.

I have been feeling mostly peopled out all weekend. I am hoping to get a break tomorrow.


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## MPJJJ

subbing!


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## Starflower

MPJJJ -









I finally got some time to myself this afternoon. So I decided NOT to spend the whole time cleaning or trying to improve my household or myself for a change.

Instead, I watched "Little Miss Sunshine" on a DVD all by myself.


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## Labbemama

I just found you all.

I found out I was an INTJ during college and then everything began to make sense. I took it again in grad school and it still fits.

Basically how this is impacting my life is I had to move. I'm getting divorced. I moved to be near my sister. (crazy idea, thought she would HELP me, but she's not really a help. LOL) and now I'm here in a military town and my kids hate it. THey miss their friends and I only know the ppl where I live who are mostly down on their luck people addicted to substances. (the ones I've met) and friends of my sisters who are not my kind of friends. (Drink too much and are too foward and joke about private things, tell stories about matters that are NC 17. LOL)

So anyhow, I make friends really slow. I've even considered getting a J-O-B.

Oh well, I have my two dogs.

I also go out to eat BY myself. Shocking I know. TOok myself to Red lobster for just an appetizer for lunch. I don't think it's weird to take oneself to a nice restaurant for lunch but whatever. I usually take a planner or something or a book to make it look like it's a working lunch because ppl get that.

My stbx already has a gf and I haven't even like had a date. I've had booty call offers, (charming) but mainly I'm just looking for someone to eat salad with and have a good conversation about something intellectual.

On the New Moon side bar...my sister invited us to a New Moon party at her house and then cancelled it. I rented it and called her and she said she had already bought it and wasn't up to it. WTH? I'm really trying here to be social.

So dd, ds, and I watched it together, mocking it as we may because we are fans of the books but dd really objects to all the mass marketing.

I admit I cried. Because I'm a loner like Bella right now, wishing I had a motorcycle to ride.


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## Sustainer

Welcome from another INTJ.

I eat at restaurants by myself too, and I like it.


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## Starflower

Welcome, Labbemama!










And I have a weird FB observation: One of my FB friends, who is an extroverted acquaintance friend IRL, posts a lot. I'm used to this and don't mind, but I now I think she might have some serious boundary issues. She had her anniversary with her DH yesterday and they had lots of special plans. (Cool, nice to share stuff like that.) But what I found odd was that she posted from the ballet - twice. Then she posted photos of her DH, of the table with the rose petals and wine glasses and some other stuff - sent via mobile phone during her date with her DH. I wouldn't think this was odd if she did this after the fact, but it seemed weird to me to invite all her FB friends to share in her anniversary during the events.


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## lovbeingamommy

Hello, Everyone









I haven't read all the previous posts, but saw the thread title while looking through forums and decided I need to post here more regularly. Dh and I are extremely introverted. The 1st thread post quote describes us perfectly! The problem we have is that our ds is an extreme extrovert! How this happened we'll never know







. He is 4 yo and ALWAYS wants to be around other people and talking, talking, talking. He comes alive and seems to be floating on a cloud when around others. It wasn't that difficult to deal with before, but now that he's 4, it's becoming a more difficult task. It's hard for me to do the whole small-talk stuff that the mamas on our block seem to love doing. I mean I like them all, but I seem to shut down when in this type of situation. Does anyone have this concern







? How do you deal with it without letting more extroverted people think you're just plain unsocial







? TIA

Kate


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovbeingamommy* 
Hello, Everyone









I haven't read all the previous posts, but saw the thread title while looking through forums and decided I need to post here more regularly. Dh and I are extremely introverted. The 1st thread post quote describes us perfectly! The problem we have is that our ds is an extreme extrovert! How this happened we'll never know







. He is 4 yo and ALWAYS wants to be around other people and talking, talking, talking. He comes alive and seems to be floating on a cloud when around others. It wasn't that difficult to deal with before, but now that he's 4, it's becoming a more difficult task. It's hard for me to do the whole small-talk stuff that the mamas on our block seem to love doing. I mean I like them all, but I seem to shut down when in this type of situation. Does anyone have this concern







? How do you deal with it without letting more extroverted people think you're just plain unsocial







? TIA

Kate

Hi, lovbeingamommy, I can relate to you. Me and my boyfriend are extreme introverts, but our two year old daughter seems to be outgoing and very extroverted. On the occasions when we do go out, which aren't many, she doesn't hesitate to run up to people and give a wide smile. She just really seems to love being around other people. I'm not all that great at small talk either. If I am talking to someone, I really have to think about what I want to say, so the conversation ends up stalling, until I've given enough thought to the question or comment I want to add. On some occasions, I'd actually rather have the person think that I am unsocial, simply because I might not want to really talk to that person in the first place, so my introverted behavior actually helps me out on those occasions.

I have a question. How many of you have a difficult time being assertive? I know that introverts are less likely to be assertive, and I've realized this about myself. I have usually been passive, passive aggressive, and once in a while, I have been aggressive, but I have always lacked assertiveness. I think that this also goes to the issue of introverts having to really think about what they want to say, so being assertive would be more difficult for us.


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## Starflower

I've always considered my difficulty at being assertive more of a product of an emotionally abusive upbringing. That and being a product of the public school system which seemed to reward herd behavior. Between the two, I did not end up that assertive. But I am getting much better than I used to be at being assertive.

I suppose being an introvert may have had a bit to do with it as well. But I think it was a combination of things.


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## Starflower

I thought this link about a study of people who had deep, substantive conversations being generally happier than people who just engaged with chit-chat might be interesting to people:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/0...eply-be-happy/

Don't know that it was a great study or anything and I can't tell from the article if they differentiated between introverts and extroverts, but I do like that someone is at least thinking about it and wanted to study it.

There is a link to the study in the blog piece.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I've always considered my difficulty at being assertive more of a product of an emotionally abusive upbringing. That and being a product of the public school system which seemed to reward herd behavior. Between the two, I did not end up that assertive. But I am getting much better than I used to be at being assertive.

I suppose being an introvert may have had a bit to do with it as well. But I think it was a combination of things.


Starflower, I agree with your opinion that it is a combination of things. I had a similar experience of emotional abuse and also physical abuse. So I didn't really learn to speak up for myself, in the right way, until just a couple of years ago, when I learned about the different forms of communication. That's when I realized that for the most part, I have always been pretty passive, bottling up my feelings until I finally explode. Now, I am learning that I need to just say what I feel, in a constructive way, instead of letting things build up over time.


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## Starflower

FallenofTrack - Sorry you had to deal with abuse in your upbringing, too. I learned to become invisible to avoid physical abuse. My brother got that instead because he never kept quiet.

It's been hard to learn to be more assertive. Especially because I react physically to conflict or to the threat of conflict. I am good about being assertive in my family with DH and all. But I have trouble dealing with my parents still and I am almost 40. Getting better though.

________________________________
*Book comment:*

I've been reading "The Introvert Advantage" and have been enjoying it. Except for one thing that's been bugging me.

I'm sure it was the publisher who probably chose to do this, but there are a lot of blue sidebar type boxes in this book. I am a very visual person and I cannot read past them very well which means that they kind of "interrupt" me what I am trying to read. The author put everything into such tight segments anyway, I find the sidebars to be rather disjointing.

But the info is good and I am finding a lot of stuff I can relate to. I just read the part about working and though I do not work outside the home at this point, I think I had already figured out most of her suggestions on my own.

I can see that I still could benefit from more planning/trade-offs of events to keep from getting overstimulated. I've known this for a while, but it seems like things tend to get bunched up in my schedule - especially certain weeks or on weekends. Then I end up needing a few days to wind down from all the craziness. I think this is especially important for me to consider as we homeschool with DD.


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## FallenofTrack

Hi, Starflower. I am the same. I am good at being assertive when it comes to conversing on different issues with my boyfriend. But I become timid when it comes to my mother. She has a way of communicating that really makes me feel unsure of myself. We don't see each other that much, so I don't have to deal with it all the time, but when I do see her, if we start talking about something that she feels strongly about or if she really wants me to listen to what she is saying, I tend to feel overpowered. I used to lose my ability to really form coherent sentences, sometimes, when I was around my mother, but I've gotten somewhat better at expressing myself around her.

I read The Introvert Advantage, a while ago, and then lent it to someone else whom I thought would be interested in it, so I don't remember the formatting of the book, but I did enjoy reading it. I also recently read Introvert Power, and thought that was also a good read. Introvert Power definitely is about empowering introverts and I like the fact that the author does cover some ground about how introverts can be more assertive and tips on how to communicate our needs. I also like the fact that she pointed out that it is ok to change your mind, and you don't always have to be in a rigid mindset about every day things. And if you do change your mind on something, how to present that to someone else without coming across as apologetic

Another book that I came across, while doing a search online, is the book _The Shy Writer_. From what I have read about the book, it seems like the main objective is to empower writers who are shy/introverted, and to stop feeling ashamed about those personality traits. I am going to see if this one is at my local library.


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## Starflower

I wonder if the Shy Writer would be relevant to artists who hate schmoozing. Let me know what you think of the book.


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## pellegrina

I have a tribe!









Hi, lovely mamas, I'm new here and so thrilled to have found you all.

My name is Denise, and I'm a lifelong introvert. Now that I'm in my late 40s, I'm finally, finally starting to realize that there is nothing wrong with me--this is just the way I am, and it's okay. I read about 20 pages of this thread, and I could relate so much to all of you.

I am not at all shy (I wait tables part-time in a busy restaurant), but I absolutely cannot stand small-talk. Give me a topic, like at a book-club meeting or something like that and I'm fine, but as soon as the discussion is over and it's time for coffee and chitchat, I'm out the door. Likewise any situation where I have to schmooze with other people....soccer games, parties, homeschool gatherings, I hate them all and dread them for days. I'll sidle up to a group of moms, wondering, "What on earth are they talking about?" and get close enough to hear inane, boring, shallow gossip about people I don't know. Yep, just as I suspected, so I sidle away and go hang with the kids, and leave at the earliest possible opportunity. They all think I'm weird and anti-social but after four decades of this scenario being repeated over and over again, I'm finally okay with it.

A couple years ago, I took myself on a personal retreat for my birthday. I stayed in a beautiful bed-and-breakfast all by myself. Everyone I know (except for my husband, who knows me by now) thought I was absolutely nuts. It was PURE BLISS, and I'm thinking of doing it again this year.

My husband is an extreme extrovert, and he still sometimes tries to push me into double-dating situations with other couples. But even if I like the other couple, I find those types of evenings to be extremely draining. I always have to force myself to go. I know deep down he wishes I were different, but after 15 years together I think he realizes that no matter what he plans, I'd always, always rather be home with a book.









I just feel like my family is enough. I have my husband, my kids (23, 19, 17 and 8), I have a sister and a mom, and that's plenty of closeness for me. Whatever little bit of socializing I need is satisfied through my job at the restaurant and the couple groups I belong to. It's all good.

Oh yeah, and I hate my phone, too! It's either not charged, or not with me, or I don't answer it. Drives my husband NUTS, LOL.

Looking forward to reading those books everyone's been mentioning.


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## Starflower

pellegrina

I like the idea of your birthday retreat. There is a women's retreat coming up for our church, which I have attended in the past. Though some of it is fun, I usually don't sleep well sharing a room and I feel drained. Even when I am in the mood for social, it's hard. There is opportunity for time on my own, but not the type of time alone I'd like. DH thinks I should go because I could really use a break from daily life with homeschooling, etc. But I might see about having a retreat all to myself instead. Or send DH and DD out camping so I'd have the house to myself. We did this once last year and it was awesome!


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## FallenofTrack

Hi pellegrina, I am the same with my cell phone. My boyfriend gets annoyed because I never have my phone, right at hand, and it's rarely charged, because I simply don't use it all that often, so once the battery eventually runs out, I don't immediately think to charge it. My boyfriend is usually the one who ends up reminding me that I need to recharge the phone and keep in touch with people, every now and again.


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## lovbeingamommy

I also don't carry a cell phone, by choice of course







. People bug me about it, but I can't stand the chitty chat stuff







I do take it on long trips though in case of emergencies.

What's weird that I've recently noticed is that I feel like I'm more "social" on FB than I've ever been IRL. I guess it's because I'm really not around anyone and can do it on my own terms. It's actually kinda fun


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## karenh

I'm also introverted as well as shy. I tend to shut down socially in large groups and am terrible at small talk even in small groups with people I've known for years. I'm afraid people either think I'm really boring because I don't say anything, or too intense and earnest when I do talk. Does anyone have any good tips or tricks for making small talk and conversation in casual situations? I run out of things to say after "how are you? how's the goat cheese making (knitting, soap making, gardening, etc.) going?" I need a primer on small talk!


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovbeingamommy* 
I also don't carry a cell phone, by choice of course







. People bug me about it, but I can't stand the chitty chat stuff







I do take it on long trips though in case of emergencies.

What's weird that I've recently noticed is that I feel like I'm more "social" on FB than I've ever been IRL. I guess it's because I'm really not around anyone and can do it on my own terms. It's actually kinda fun









I am more social on message boards, blogs, and forums, than I am in real life. I really just like connecting with other people who have similar experiences, so message boards, forums, and blogs, do that for me. I also joined MeetUp.com recently, so that I could find a couple of groups to participate in. However, I don't use the specific social networking sites, all that much, even though I do have a FaceBook account. I thought FB was fun, when I first joined, because I reconnected with some people that I had not talked to since high school, but that was it, so I haven't been on there for a while.


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## crabbyowl

I'm also much more social online than IRL. Pretty much all my social interaction is on FB, both with friends who now live out-of-state and with my DDC (October '08). DH doesn't get it at all, but he doesn't have to!







I'm happy this way.


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## lovbeingamommy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crabbyowl* 
I'm also much more social online than IRL. Pretty much all my social interaction is on FB, both with friends who now live out-of-state and with my DDC (October '08). DH doesn't get it at all, but he doesn't have to!







I'm happy this way.

ikwym, I'm completely satisfied socially with being on FB. Most people I see irl, seem very shallow and not too intense with what they believe in.


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## Starflower

karenh

I don't find FB very satisfying. I do like that I can keep up with people's lives without having to have that many IRL conversations with them. I like that I have reconnected with someone I used to have long wonderful conversations with.

I don't get into much of the chit chat aspect of it. Though in some ways I guess it's not as bad as IRL because I can add into the conversation anytime without feeling awkward or just choose not to participate other than reading it.

I also don't like posting much about myself. Basically because I feel like, would I really want to share that with 80+ people? Would they care? But I know in reality if they don't like it they can delete me or hide me. And I've been surprised at what types of things people have responded to on FB.

In general, I prefer the in-depth conversations that happen on MDC, etc. And my lunches in person with my friend.


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## pixilixi

Hi everybody,

I think I've finally caught up on reading the thread. I posted WAAAAY back on page 3 or something, but haven't been on MDC much the last few months. It's been a great read, and much to identify with.

I'm all hot and cold on facebook. At times I've been on the verge of deleting my account due to the superficial stuff, but on the other hand, I do use it to keep in touch with friends who are too far away to catch up with. I don't post much personal happenings on there - usually just some random observation I make about something I found amusing.

I've been going through a bit of a crisis of sorts here (which is partly why I've neglected MDC). My regular short "me time" things have been cancelled, so I haven't had much time out lately. Plus, I think that nearly 4 years of intense parenting have caught up with me. But I'm feeling so burnt out. My relationship with dh has suffered because by the time ds is finally in bed, I have no energy for him, I just want personal space. And lately when I've had some babysitting from my mum, I don't want to spend the time with dh, but by myself, or with some other friends who do stuff that I like to do as well. (As a background, dh is 16 years older than me and I like to do very physical things, hence, I have a few friends who are younger who I can do these things with. And after being emotionally drained, there's nothing I'd rather do than get physical.)

I'm wondering whether I'm cut out to have both a dh and a child, with us all living under the same roof. Two intense, needy relationships, and I feel like I'm going under and losing myself. I feel like we're in a pressure cooker, and I just want out. Does anyone else here identify with this? There are surely other factors at play here, not just my introversion and needing more time to myself, but I thought maybe some of you moms might have had these feelings too.

I am also bummed because i thought I might have found a potential new friend to have deep and stimulating conversation with, in a different way to my other close friend irl at the moment. Unfortunately things haven't panned out for various reasons, and I can't help but think that I came on too strong, too intensely, too early in the piece. Have you ever felt a connection with someone that was different to the usual superficial 'friendships' that you get too excited and rush things? That was me. So I am feeling sad about that too, on top of not feeling close to dh right now. <Sigh> Thanks for listening. I'll try to keep a closer track of goings on here now I'm back online a bit.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:

I'm wondering whether I'm cut out to have both a dh and a child, with us all living under the same roof. Two intense, needy relationships, and I feel like I'm going under and losing myself. I feel like we're in a pressure cooker, and I just want out. Does anyone else here identify with this? There are surely other factors at play here, not just my introversion and needing more time to myself, but I thought maybe some of you moms might have had these feelings too.
I feel the same way with my boyfriend and our daughter. I am a stay-at-home mom, and basically I spend every day with my daughter, while my boyfriend is at work. My daughter always wants to be around me, so I can't get any time to really think or do something by myself, because she is constantly in my space. I really love my daughter and I am happy that we had her, but this whole experience has taught me that I am not cut out for having more than one child, so this is it in terms of having kids. My relationship with my boyfriend also isn't the best, because he spends a lot of hours at work, and then once he gets home at night, he tends to our daughter, while I organize the apartment, a bit, and then the three of us go to bed, and the whole cycle starts again the next day.

I really do want to start working. I went to college for English Literature, and was interested in doing proofreading/editing. But after thinking more about what I really want to do, I found that I am attracted to the idea of being in a helping profession, so I recently signed up to take an on-line Patient Care Technician course, which will only take a few months to complete. So if that all goes well, and I really enjoy doing that kind of work, then I might try to advance myself in the nursing profession, like my mother did.


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## Pumpkin_Pie

Hi Mamas! I haven't had a chance to read through all of the posts yet, but just wanted to pop in to say hello and to say that I would love to be a part of this tribe. I have been having a very hard time dealing with my best friend who is a single mama like me, but she is an extreme extrovert. She doesn't understand my need to have down time every single day, and when we went on vacation a week and a half ago for four days, I almost lost my mind. It was crazy fun, but insanely exhausting too.

I have only recently realized just how much of an introvert I am. I took a Jungian Psychology class and am an INFP and also have a rather large dose of social anxiety and shyness. I just don't mingle well with people that I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I can do it if I have to, but it is extremely hard and draining.

My DS just turned three yesterday and I am still not sure where he lies. He can play for hours by himself happily, but he is constantly chattering to himself and having small side conversations with me. He thrives in large groups and loves being around groups of kids his age. He can be shy around strangers at first, but after he warms up, he is very outgoing. I guess I would call him extroverted, but I am not 100% on that yet. He does exhaust me though on most days. I am a single mama, so there is no down time except for at night after I put him to bed. I am short on sleep, and cranky because of that, but I NEED some alone time, so I put him to bed and then go have "me" time.

My birthday was also yesterday, and a friend gave me two nights of babysitting, and I think I am going to take one night and go to a movie by myself. It just sounds heavenly.









Anyway, here I am, mind if I join you ladies??


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## Pumpkin_Pie

Am I the thread killer?


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## FallenofTrack

to Pumpkin_Pie.
As to you having to deal with your extremely extroverted best friend, I think that you are just going to have to make it clear that your personality is different from hers and that she needs to be mindful of your needs as an introvert, just like how I am asssuming that you are mindful and try to accomodate her needs/boundaries as an extrovert. There has to be some compromise in order to make things work. My boyfriend and I are both extremely introverted and we are also learning that we need to make compromises with each other. The both of us could spend a lot of time doing our own thing, and doing solitary activities, but we also know that it is important to spend quality time together. We've had some issues with that because of his long work hours, and the fact that when he does get his days off, he kind of just wants to do the things he enjoys, but I think we are both coming to a point where we are more understanding of each other.


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## Starflower

Pumpkin Pie

Glad to have you here! I'm also an INFP.







I was extremely shy as a child but now I am not particularly shy - as long as I have had some time to myself. I can see where an exciting vacation with an extroverted friend might be fun but exhausting. I always need extra time to crash after seeing friends/family on vacations. This year I am going to try to better plan my time during the vacation to include breaks for down-time so I don't feel like I need a vacation to recover from my supposed vacation.









As for your kiddo, I think 3 is probably too early to tell I/E on personality. My DD is almost 7 and has been showing more and more introverted signs. "The Introvert Advantage" has a good list to check on kids. A year or so ago, I had been utterly convinced that my DD was a huge extrovert. Now I believe I was wrong. She may have changed somewhat as she has gotten older, but I think maybe she is just less introverted than I am. My DH is pretty close to being in the middle. He gets a lot of down time in his job. I have more of a social life than he does too, but I come out as very introverted on all the tests. It's weird. I kind of think that maybe DH just balances his time out better than I do. And that he can tolerate extroverted situation like gatherings and such much better than I can.

____________________________

And something else I've discovered about myself: I loathe housecleaning. OK - that's nothing newly discovered - I've always hated it. But I have recently discovered that I can use boring household cleaning tasks that need to be done as mental down-time. I wouldn't want to have all my down time be cleaning time, but I spent and hour+ cleaning two bathrooms the other day and afterward, I felt pretty good. This could really help me, since I tend to be a slob. I just realized that I had lots of time to think, no one was bugging me (amazing!) and by the time I was done, I felt ready to interact with people again. (And my bathrooms were clean as a bonus!) So far this has not been repeated, however.


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## Starflower

pixi - Sorry I missed you in my earlier response. That sounds really tough. I hope you find some way to get your breaks in again and find a way to balance your relationships.

I am constantly struggling to balance my own relationships, but lately I feel like I may actually be on the right track. Things are definitely nowhere near perfect, but I am seeing little glimmers of balance here and there and have been able to maintain a few little things. This is a big deal for me. Sometimes I tend to think of things as all or nothing so I am learning to appreciate small steps more and more.


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## madsommer

My eyes are always attracted to this thread because I've always thought of myself as an introvert, but because I never have a problem really making friends (when I want to) I assumed that I technically wasn't...though I'm also an INFJ.

But reading that definition on the first page almost made me cry! Because that is soooo me and my husband doesn't understand why I get annoyed when he won't stop talking when he gets home from work. Like most of you ladies, I married a big, big extrovert!

I'm going to print it out so he may understand me a little bit better.


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## Tkgrl88

That is me..! I *HATE* being called shy..!! I think I maybe am a bit "socially awkward" and "stuck inside my mind" .. my brother is autistic and I wouldn't be surprised if I was mildly ASD.. Asperger's or something of the sort..


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## Tkgrl88

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
Hi everyone. I found out about this site, yesterday, and have been reading through this particular thread. I can very much relate to the comments from other members. I am a stay-at-home mother to a daughter who just turned two last month. As an introvert, parenting has been draining, to me. From my observations, my daughter exhibits a highly extroverted temperament, while I am a highly expressed introvert. I find that I basically have very little time to myself because my daughter loves to be by my side, unless she is watching one of her educational programs and playing with her toys. The only time I really get a break is when my boyfriend gets home from work, after working long hours, most days. By that time, I really feel drained, irritable, and moody.

More about myself: I found out that I was introverted when I was 18, when a coworker happend to mention that her boyfriend was introverted, but I didn't really take into consideration, the significance of what introversion meant, until I was 24. At that time, I started to seriously research personality/temperament types and gained understanding about why I had certain characteristics. I can relate to others who stated that they didn't really understand themselves during their childhood/young adult years and were criticized for behaving differently from the more outgoing, extroverted types. Like others, here, I have been called stuck-up, cold, and even b**ch. I think that my mother is an introvert, and I know that my father is outgoing and extremely extroverted. He is the type who can go into a room full of strangers and feel very comfortable making small talk and engaging others. People are just naturally drawn to him. My father thinks that I am weird because I am reserved, and I don't feel comfortable talking to any and everybody.

I've realized that people don't really know what to make of me, because I am quiet, so they just assume that I think I am better than others when really I don't think any thing of the sort. I've also realized that there are some people, specifically some extroverted people, who seem to think that my opinions, feelings, and complaints aren't as important, simply because I am not as outwardly expressive about everything.

I've never had an easy time making friends. I struggle with social anxiety in addition to being introverted. I also feel nervous when I am around a large group of people and find it difficult to engage in small talk. However, there are those rare occasions in which I find that I feel very comfortable around someone whom I have just met, and I can spend a long time talking to that person. It usually doesn't happen, but once in a while, I do meet a kindred spirit.

I can relate to those of you who hate using the phone. I just find it to be intrusive and annoying. I realized that I prefer written communication or email, so I can gather my thoughts, because I'm not very good at verbal communication, specifically when it comes to stating my wants and needs. Ive been somewhat sarcastic, in the past, and I've recently been learning about how to be assertive, since I was sorely lacking in that skill. I find that this trait is especially important when dealing with those extroverts who think that they can walk all over people who seem to be more quiet and appear timid.

I've read _Introvert Advantage_, _The Loner's Manifeso_ (I am a loner and an introvert), and I would like to read some of the other books that have been mentioned here.

Anyway, I am happy that I happened upon this forum.

Wow I could have written this whole thing as well..!! So nice to know that I am not alone..!!


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madsommer* 
My eyes are always attracted to this thread because I've always thought of myself as an introvert, but because I never have a problem really making friends (when I want to) I assumed that I technically wasn't...though I'm also an INFJ.

But reading that definition on the first page almost made me cry! Because that is soooo me and my husband doesn't understand why I get annoyed when he won't stop talking when he gets home from work. Like most of you ladies, I married a big, big extrovert!

I'm going to print it out so he may understand me a little bit better.









to madsommer,
I am glad that you decided to visit this thread. I think that a lot of people are of the opinion that introverts aren't good at forming friendships. While that may be the case sometimes, there are also plenty of introverts who easily form friendships and may have a lot of friends, but these people are still introverts because they become depleted from socializing and they need alone time in order to regain their energy. I, myself, am more of the stereotypical introvert. I have never really been good at forming and maintaining friendships and for the most part, I feel more comfortable being around a couple of other people, instead of a big social group. As introverts, some aspects of our personalities are definitely going to be different from each other, but there might also be several characteristics that most of us share. And hopefully, your husband will gain some understanding into your personality from reading the comments on here.

To Tkgrl88, I am glad that you were able to relate to my comments. Many of us in this tribe seem to share a lot in common and it's definitely comforting and validating to know that others have been through some of the same experiences.


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## KBinSATX

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tkgrl88* 
That is me..! I *HATE* being called shy..!!

Me too. I still remember my mom telling people I was shy and how much I hated it. So now I try not to say it about my kids.

Speaking of kids I think they have been actually very good for my personal growth in regards to being an introvert. It's much easier for me now to be assertive. To begin with mostly on my kids behalf but is has crossed over to other areas as well.
And of course with the kids enjoying the company of other kids I get out more too. Still wears me out though. lol I prefer morning outings so they can nap when we get back and I get some alone time to recharge after all this mom-small-talk


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## Tkgrl88

Yeah that is one reason I am really looking forward to being a mom because I am hoping it will help me connect with other women and I can join some playgroups..


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## madsommer

FallenofTrack, thanks for the welcome


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## Starflower

madsommer, Tkgrl88 & hello again, KBinSATX!


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## madsommer

I think I read somewhere along the thread that someone was an empath. I started reading up on it, and this seems to really fit me as well. (Though I think my abilities are a little weak at the moment).


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## HappilyEvrAfter

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madsommer* 
I think I read somewhere along the thread that someone was an empath. I started reading up on it, and this seems to really fit me as well. (Though I think my abilities are a little weak at the moment).

I dunno if that was me or not, but I have definelty seen a connection to being an empath.
Was just telling my dad the other day that I think that's part of my problem when being around some people. I can JUST FEEL certain emotions streaming from some people. Like, even if they appear happy I can feel a certain underlying negativity or unhappiness coming from them.

Is that what you mean? I just get a "vibe" or "humming" from people in regards to what I guess is their inner emotion.
I've even asked perfectly happy people what's wrong and they just break down in front of me saying, "God, how can you tell?"

It's a bit disconecerting at times....and makes it hard to be in some groups of certain people. That may be another reason I enjoy the internet more.

HI to everyone in the thread!!!!


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## Sustainer

I consider myself empathetic, but not in the being-able-to-read-people's-unspoken-signals way. More like, if I hear about someone going through something, even if it was someone on the other side of the planet 500 years ago, I can feel it, almost as if I'm going through it myself.


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## Starflower

I tend to be fairly empathic. I can walk into a situation and tell immediately if things are "off" even if no one says anything. I sometimes wonder if this is part of what bothered me about going to the mall when I was a young teen. I used to have panic attacks at the mall. Or maybe they just had awful lighting. lol I don't really know. I am very sensitive to many types of environments.

I think I just learned to read people pretty well as a survival mechanism in an abusive, alcoholic household. And I am very sensitive. Even more so than I used to be, but I think that's because I was never allowed to express emotions much growing up. Now I choke down tears while reading Warrior Cats to my daughter - and not always even the intense parts either. I don't really feel depressed but I feel like my emotions are very close to the surface (yet I still try to hide them most of the time - hmm).

My DD is almost 7 and also tends to be quite empathetic. She is very sensitive to the emotions of other people and animals. We were watching "Life" on Discovery Channel. We've been recording it and she has watched most of the episodes over and over. When we watched the fish episode with her, she covered her eyes when they were on the segment about the sea dragons (sea horse type creatures). I thought maybe they would get eaten after they mated or something, but they were fine. The sea dragon dads get the eggs embedded in their tails where they grow until they are ready to hatch the baby fish. DD was hiding her eyes and crying because she was afraid the sea dragon dads were in pain due to the embedded eggs. I told her it probably didn't hurt him and that she had been embedded my womb, but she told me it was just the cord and that was different.


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## madsommer

Thanks for your responses about the Empath thing. The more I read, the more I'm certain I am and it explains a lot about my personality, however it seems as though there are varying degrees.

I can tell a lot about a person just by first glance or with a short conversation...maybe not specifics, but general ideas about their childhood, feelings, insecurities. And I seem to attract a lot of people with problems....my husband even told me the other day that I need to stop hanging out with so many debbie-downers lol. Anywho, don't want to hijack the thread..maybe it's something I'll talk about more in the spirituality section? Or maybe and Empath tribe?

I picked up The Introvert Advantage after reading some suggestions about it and look forward to learning some more about myself!


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## agreenbough

I haven't posted in a while and have a few comments about some of the previous posts. Some of you mentioned eating out alone - this is something I also enjoyed at one time, but the reason I stopped wasn't my own discomfort, it was the odd looks and discomfort coming from the waitstaff. I felt sort of like I was an odd, never before seen specimen for them to gawk at.

Also, maybe I'm doing it wrong, but trying to be assertive doesn't seem to work for me. I tend to make tentative-sounding statements when I want something, and when I try to be more direct, people react like I've suddenly and inexplicably become a b*tch. My husband seems especially put off by this. He accuses me of being incommunicative, but as soon as I make a direct statement, he becomes defensive. So this results in me doing that "bottling it all up til I explode" thing, and then I really do look like a b*tch.

I also have a problem with low energy. I really look forward to opportunies to sleep late. My husband told me for years that this is a sign of depression, but I guess he accepts it now. I think he feels it's at least laziness. But not everyone can function on 6 hours of sleep like he does.

I have been feeling very misunderstood lately and am getting kind of defensive about it, so it's really nice to know there ARE others like me. (I'm an IFNP TOO)


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
I haven't posted in a while and have a few comments about some of the previous posts. Some of you mentioned eating out alone - this is something I also enjoyed at one time, but the reason I stopped wasn't my own discomfort, it was the odd looks and discomfort coming from the waitstaff. I felt sort of like I was an odd, never before seen specimen for them to gawk at.

Also, maybe I'm doing it wrong, but trying to be assertive doesn't seem to work for me. I tend to make tentative-sounding statements when I want something, and when I try to be more direct, people react like I've suddenly and inexplicably become a b*tch. My husband seems especially put off by this. He accuses me of being incommunicative, but as soon as I make a direct statement, he becomes defensive. So this results in me doing that "bottling it all up til I explode" thing, and then I really do look like a b*tch.

I also have a problem with low energy. I really look forward to opportunies to sleep late. My husband told me for years that this is a sign of depression, but I guess he accepts it now. I think he feels it's at least laziness. But not everyone can function on 6 hours of sleep like he does.

I have been feeling very misunderstood lately and am getting kind of defensive about it, so it's really nice to know there ARE others like me. (I'm an IFNP TOO)

Hello, a greenbough, I recognize your name from Marti Laney's forum. I've never experienced waitstaff staring at me, for eating alone, but that's because the times that I have eaten alone have been at coffee shops, where people are more likely to be by themselves, so I know that I won't stick out at a place like that. You are braver than me for being able to eat at a regular restaurant by yourself. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a restaurant by myself because there are a lot of people who go out to eat in groups, so I know that I am more likely to be stared at if people see me eating by myself.

I've had a problem with assertiveness, as well. I find that I can't really have an assertive argument with my boyfriend, because he tends to not want to hear anything that seems even remotely like a complaint or anything negative,and he will tell me straight out that he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, if he feels like I am going to complain. But I feel like that is unfair and we need to be able to tell each other how we feel. So I end up just saying what I have to say, because the ironic part is that he will voice his complaints if need be, and if I get defensive, he will call me on it, so I feel like I should also be able to voice my complaints, as well.
I think that sometimes we just have to voice how we feel and if the other person doesn't like it, then oh well.

I have struggled with severe depression and I experience chronic fatigue, so there have been times when I feel like I want to sleep the day away. But I also know that there are some people who just enjoy being able to sleep in, if they get the chance. I don't see anything wrong with that.


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## madsommer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
I haven't posted in a while and have a few comments about some of the previous posts. Some of you mentioned eating out alone - this is something I also enjoyed at one time, but the reason I stopped wasn't my own discomfort, it was the odd looks and discomfort coming from the waitstaff. I felt sort of like I was an odd, never before seen specimen for them to gawk at.

Also, maybe I'm doing it wrong, but trying to be assertive doesn't seem to work for me. I tend to make tentative-sounding statements when I want something, and when I try to be more direct, people react like I've suddenly and inexplicably become a b*tch. My husband seems especially put off by this. He accuses me of being incommunicative, but as soon as I make a direct statement, he becomes defensive. So this results in me doing that "bottling it all up til I explode" thing, and then I really do look like a b*tch.

I also have a problem with low energy. I really look forward to opportunies to sleep late. My husband told me for years that this is a sign of depression, but I guess he accepts it now. I think he feels it's at least laziness. But not everyone can function on 6 hours of sleep like he does.

I have been feeling very misunderstood lately and am getting kind of defensive about it, so it's really nice to know there ARE others like me. (I'm an IFNP TOO)

I think what happens is that people are so used to us being non-confrontational, that when we do try to express an strong opinion, they don't like it. They don't like us all of a sudden having a voice. But when I was therapy, I also realized that when I try to be assertive, I sometimes end up being aggressive. But I have to be aggressive because ppl won't listen to me if I'm just being "assertive." And then when I get angry I'm all of a sudden tthe person with the problem.

I think a way to solve this is to KEEP being assertive no matter what the response.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madsommer* 
I think what happens is that people are so used to us being non-confrontational, that when we do try to express an strong opinion, they don't like it. They don't like us all of a sudden having a voice. But when I was therapy, I also realized that when I try to be assertive, I sometimes end up being aggressive. But I have to be aggressive because ppl won't listen to me if I'm just being "assertive." And then when I get angry I'm all of a sudden tthe person with the problem.

I think a way to solve this is to KEEP being assertive no matter what the response.

I agree with madsommer.

As for the restaurants..... I do eat out at regular restaurants by myself. I don't know if people stare or not. I used to feel nervous, but after moving cross country twice and not knowing anyone to go out to eat with, I just kind of got used to it.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madsommer* 
I think what happens is that people are so used to us being non-confrontational, that when we do try to express an strong opinion, they don't like it. They don't like us all of a sudden having a voice. But when I was therapy, I also realized that when I try to be assertive, I sometimes end up being aggressive. But I have to be aggressive because ppl won't listen to me if I'm just being "assertive." And then when I get angry I'm all of a sudden tthe person with the problem.

I think a way to solve this is to KEEP being assertive no matter what the response.

Hi madsommer, I agree with and can relate to this statement, wholeheartedly. I barely ever speak up for myself, so when I do have a problem with what someone is doing, I rarely say anything. And even in the rare occasions when I do try to say something, I have found that I am not taken seriously. It's sort of like a vicious cycle. And like you, I have gotten to the point of being aggressive a couple of times because I have let my feelings build up over a long period of time and then I will finally blow up at something very trivial. So other people look at me like I am crazy, because obviously they don't realize that the reaction is a result of built up anger and hostility and not just an out of the blue temper tantrum.
I went to therapy a couple of years ago, and when I described to the therapist how I handle my anger, she pretty much told me that I had more of a passive personality. Usually what happens with passive personalities is that they eventually end up lashing out in aggressive and passive aggressive ways, after letting things build up. So it is better to deal with things in the moment and learn to be assertive in the moment or wait a little bit to let any feelings of anger dissapate and then say something assertively,.


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## agreenbough

My husband is the way you described your boyfriend - he gets upset if I have anything negative to say. So I often just don't say anything. And then he gets mad that I don't talk. I'm quiet anyway, and I don't feel like I compalin very much. Sometimes if I bring up something that's bothering me, he responds with, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" And he has a very unsympathetic tone. (And I don't want him to do anything other than listen.) To be honest, I don't think he's aware of his tone, because he often sounds abrasive when I don't think he means to. My children have noticed this as well. He recently told me my feelings on a particular situation were "wrong" and that has made me want to clam up even more.

I really do think a big part of my problem is that I tried very hard for many years to act more like an extrovert, and now people don't understand why I've "changed", that I'm really just acting more like who I really am. Apparently they don't like who I really am. It's making me feel very alone, but I guess I have only myself to blame for not being true to myself to begin with. There's just so much pressure (perceived and real) to be outgoing and gregarious. And I'm just not. I'm tired of faking it, and getting even more tired of having to justify and apologize for my perplexing behavior. It makes me sad to think that, even though I've tried to explain introversion, nobody seems to get it. They act like they do, and then continue to ask, "Are you mad? Are you okay? Why don't you talk more? Why don't you go out more?"


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
My husband is the way you described your boyfriend - he gets upset if I have anything negative to say. So I often just don't say anything. And then he gets mad that I don't talk. I'm quiet anyway, and I don't feel like I compalin very much. Sometimes if I bring up something that's bothering me, he responds with, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" And he has a very unsympathetic tone. (And I don't want him to do anything other than listen.) To be honest, I don't think he's aware of his tone, because he often sounds abrasive when I don't think he means to. My children have noticed this as well. He recently told me my feelings on a particular situation were "wrong" and that has made me want to clam up even more.

I really do think a big part of my problem is that I tried very hard for many years to act more like an extrovert, and now people don't understand why I've "changed", that I'm really just acting more like who I really am. Apparently they don't like who I really am. It's making me feel very alone, but I guess I have only myself to blame for not being true to myself to begin with. There's just so much pressure (perceived and real) to be outgoing and gregarious. And I'm just not. I'm tired of faking it, and getting even more tired of having to justify and apologize for my perplexing behavior. It makes me sad to think that, even though I've tried to explain introversion, nobody seems to get it. They act like they do, and then continue to ask, "Are you mad? Are you okay? Why don't you talk more? Why don't you go out more?"

To agreenbough, once again, I can empathize with you. Like in your case with your husband, my boyfriend will also get upset if I just don't say anything, even though he also tends to come across as unsympathetic when I do say something. I also don't feel as though I complain a lot. But when I do say something, I would appreciate it, if he would atleast try to hear me out. The other day I ended up telling him something along the lines of "_well, my problems are my problems and from now on, I won't say anything to you, since it seems that you really don't care"._ After I said that, he changed his attitude really quick and decided to take a more caring approach.

The reason I even said that to begin with was because he and I had gotten into an argument over him lying to me. It seemed like something trivial but his behavior was just indicative of what he always does. The whole problem was that he had gone out shopping with his dad and I had stayed home. So while he was out shopping, I called him on his cellphone and asked him if he could get me a chocolate bar that I wanted. He happened to be in a store that sold candy and other goods like that, so when I asked him to get me the chocolate bar, he said sure and made it seem like he was searching for the one I wanted and that he had found it and was going to get it for me. So when he got home a bit later, I searched through the bags for the chocolate and couldn't find it. So I asked him where the chocolate was, and he said that he didn't get it, because when I called him to request it, he was already in the checkout line about to pay for his items. So I got annoyed and told him that he should have just said that in the first place, instead of trying to make it seem like he had gotten the candy, only to then come home without it. And I also told him that this was the kind of behavior that he always did. He has a tendancy to either forget to pick up any item that I specifically request or if he does get something, he gets a completely different item than what I wanted. He is the one that does most of the grocery shopping and shopping, in general, so it is annoying when he continually forgets to get things that I specifically request. So when I said all of this to him, he got annoyed and didn't want to hear what I had to say.

I agree with you that often times people don't realize that they may have a curt/abrupt tone of voice and it really makes them sound unsympathetic. It's the kind of tone that makes people feel brushed aside. Then when you say something about how they sound, they don't want to hear it. Then they also wonder why nobody ever comes to them directly to discuss problems.

I also just want to say that I don't think that you should be too hard on yourself. A lot of introverts try to act extroverted and do all of the behaviors that they see other extroverts doing, and they later realize that it just doesn't work for them because by acting like extroverts they are fighting who they really are and it is draining to always put on an act. So it is better late than never to show who you really are and to explain to people that you feel happier expressing your real personality/temperament traits.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
My husband is the way you described your boyfriend - he gets upset if I have anything negative to say. So I often just don't say anything. And then he gets mad that I don't talk. I'm quiet anyway, and I don't feel like I compalin very much. Sometimes if I bring up something that's bothering me, he responds with, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" And he has a very unsympathetic tone. (And I don't want him to do anything other than listen.) To be honest, I don't think he's aware of his tone, because he often sounds abrasive when I don't think he means to. My children have noticed this as well. He recently told me my feelings on a particular situation were "wrong" and that has made me want to clam up even more.

I really do think a big part of my problem is that I tried very hard for many years to act more like an extrovert, and now people don't understand why I've "changed", that I'm really just acting more like who I really am. Apparently they don't like who I really am. It's making me feel very alone, but I guess I have only myself to blame for not being true to myself to begin with. There's just so much pressure (perceived and real) to be outgoing and gregarious. And I'm just not. I'm tired of faking it, and getting even more tired of having to justify and apologize for my perplexing behavior. It makes me sad to think that, even though I've tried to explain introversion, nobody seems to get it. They act like they do, and then continue to ask, "Are you mad? Are you okay? Why don't you talk more? Why don't you go out more?"

I'm sorry you're having a tough time lately. I totally get not wanting to fake it anymore. I am trying to be me and just not worry about everyone else. I'm doing OK with the introversion part mostly, but I have some other stuff I am dealing with that's been pretty tough for me.

When I was reading about your DH, agreenbough, I was wondering what are his Meyers-Briggs results? Didn't you say you were an INFP? (I am too tired to check so please correct me if you are not.) I was just thinking that if he is a "T" rather than an "F" type personality that could explain some of his attitude toward feelings. Don't know if that would make things easier. When I read "Parents, Kids and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, I finally understood the difference between "T" and "F" people and how they view the world differently. There are supposed to be some good books for Meyers-Briggs and relationships but I don't know what they are. (If anyone can recommend titles, please share them with me - thx.)

I keep wanting my DH to take the Meyers-Briggs. We get along pretty well most of the time, but I am very curious what type he'd get on the tests.


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## treehugz

Nak... Haven't posted in a while... under a lot of life stress lately and I'm completely peopled out. But to catch up...
1. I too love going to movies alone and eating out alone. I think it's rude when people give me weird or pitying looks.
2. I hate Facebook... I might post something once every 3 or 4 months, but there's not much I have to say that I want to share with tons of people... it seems fake and pointless for me. I only keep FB because my knitting group keeps in touch about meetings through FB.
3. I think I'm assertive in my way, but it often seems to be misinterpreted.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madsommer* 
But I have to be aggressive because ppl won't listen to me if I'm just being "assertive." And then when I get angry I'm all of a sudden tthe person with the problem.

Ditto!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
I barely ever speak up for myself, so when I do have a problem with what someone is doing, I rarely say anything. And even in the rare occasions when I do try to say something, I have found that I am not taken seriously. It's sort of like a vicious cycle.

Ditto too... and to add, it takes me a LONG time before I can interpret a situation and figure out how to respond... so dealing assertively with a situation right away, isn't usually an option.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BaBaBa* 
Wow! I could have written your post. Actually, I'm an ISTJ as well. Maybe that has something to do with it.









Yay, BaBaBa... another ISTJ!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
I am also scared to have my daugher attend public school because I really just don't trust having my daughter in the care of others. At least when she is home, I know what is going on and how she is being treated. I am going to have to do some serious research before I make a decision.

Yes, me exactly. I also distrust my dd (25 months) with others and plan to homeschool (for this and other reasons). Would love to talk more about this ... I don't know of others who feel this way.

Has anyone read Hold On To Your Kids by Neufeld and Mate? It talks about the over-importance of friendships in childhood and peer culture. I just finished it, and it supported so much of my parenting approach. And it really appealed to me as an introvert... I haven't completely digested it yet, and am interested in other introvert perspectives.


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## CinderSnoop

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
When I was reading about your DH, agreenbough, I was wondering what are his Meyers-Briggs results? Didn't you say you were an INFP? (I am too tired to check so please correct me if you are not.) I was just thinking that if he is a "T" rather than an "F" type personality that could explain some of his attitude toward feelings. Don't know if that would make things easier. When I read "Parents, Kids and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, I finally understood the difference between "T" and "F" people and how they view the world differently. There are supposed to be some good books for Meyers-Briggs and relationships but I don't know what they are. (If anyone can recommend titles, please share them with me - thx.)

I keep wanting my DH to take the Meyers-Briggs. We get along pretty well most of the time, but I am very curious what type he'd get on the tests.

Hello everyone. I joined a long while back and have found myself lurking here a bit lately. I guess I am the typical shy introvert who felt she didn't have anything that important to say or that someone else could just say it better. This time I thought I would chime in and say that I read "Just Your Type" by Tieger & Barron-Tieger on personality types. DH & I took Meyers-Briggs before we got married 15 years ago, but having this book would have really helped us a long time ago. He ended up being ISFJ and I was ISTJ although we were both border line on the F/T factor. You'd think 2 introverts with nearly the same personality type would be a perfect match, but there are definitely some challenges and pitfalls that this book opened my eyes to. Anyway, I found this book used on Amazon last year and really liked the sections on couple combinations with all the personality types. It is geared for romantic couples, but I took a stab at guessing some other personality types for friends & family members and gained some insight on those relationships of mine as well. Hope that helps.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:

Ditto too... and to add, it takes me a LONG time before I can interpret a situation and figure out how to respond... so dealing assertively with a situation right away, isn't usually an option.
Hi, treehugz. This is definitely me, as well. Like you, it takes me quite a while to really figure out exactly what it is that I have a problem with. Sometimes there are multiple issues that I have with another person and in a few cases when I really thought about it, I realize that I just didn't like the person, usually because of extreme personality differences. And I absolutely DO NOT like having to deal with extreme extroverts and usually end up haivng extreme personality differences with them. One big issue that I tend to have with them is that the ones I have encountered don't have discretion and if you tell them something, either trivial or meaningful, they are more prone to running off at the mouth to anyone who happens to be close by.

I had to deal with this issue with an extremely extroverted coworker and I really couldn't put my finger on what I didn't like about her, but then when I sat down and thought about her whole personality, I realized that her need to tell everyone everything and be in everyone's business were big turn offs for me, since I tend to be more of a private person and I like it when people are a bit more close mouthed about things. At first I had thought that it was just the fact that she was a bit bossy, but it was a lot more than that, and I realized that I just didn't like her, but it took me a while to come to that conclusion. It also didn't help that she thought she was something special and to be admired by coworkers. But at that time it would have been extremely hard for me to say something to her because I didn't know how to approach the situation. If I was dealing with the same issue now, I would still need time to think and sort stuff out, but I would definitely know how to handle the over all situation.


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## Starflower

Thanks, CinderSnoop. I'll look for that book at the library.


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## Mother Cake

Hi All,

I have been reading through this thread off and on since January, and I finally got caught up, so now to introduce myself.

I am an introvert, but not as extreme as many of you, about 60% introverted. But like many of you, I hate crouds, small talk, and the telephone! I'm also not a mama yet, but we are planning to start TTC next cycle, so hopefully soon!

I resonate with so many things that have been said in this thread. I'm married to another introvert, and we get along pretty well so far. I am somewhat concerned about getting my alone time once I have kids, but I will deal with that when the time comes.

Something I relate to that has been in the recent posts: I also have difficulty with assertiveness and being passive aggressive/bottling things up until I explode. I am having particular trouble dealing with my MIL on this front. She is quite extroverted. She lives across the country but still wants to be in constant contact with me and DH. For example, this winter she was sending us e-mails every few days, with just chit-chatty small talk. It got so bad I blocked her e-mail address and asked her to only send me letters! They are still all small talk, but at least they are less frequent.

I can do small talk in small doses with people I also have meaningful conversations with, but I have never yet had a meaningful conversation with my MIL. Every time I try to steer the conversation towards deeper issues, she either goes silent or changes the subject. And she has no discretion about personal issues and privacy. I have to spell out what is private and not to be shared.

O.k. sorry for the rant. I needed to vent.

I'm also an empath, like some people were talking about earlier. I can sense when someone is in denial about certain feelings/issues, even if they are acting happy. hijack over.

I'm trying these days to embrace my introversion and not over commit myself, but it can be hard. I have so appreciated reading about other people who are like me, and I hope to be more of a participant now that I am "caught up" on what is going on.

Oh! and I read Introvert Power and loved it. I looked through Introvert Advantage, but I also found the formatting annoying. It really bugged me that all the text was blue instead of black. And after reading in Introvert Power about how introverts make up at least half the population, it was discouraging and frustrating to read a book perpetuating the idea that we are only 1/4 to 1/3 of the population.

One more thing: I'm worried about being pregnant and having strangers coming up to me to offer advice, ask nosy questions, or touch my belly. I can be a very private person, and I prefer to volunteer personal info, rather than being asked about it. Plus I have a really large "personal space bubble" compared to a lot of other people. I think it comes partly from being an empath. I just need more "breathing room" than most people thing I should.

Any tips on how to keep people from bugging me? I'm thinking of going goth, or wearing a really aggressive top that says something like, "Hands off the Belly!" or "Private Gestation, NO Questions, NO Advice." or "No, I don't want to hear your birth story." or how about: "Let's pretend I'm NOT pregnant, how would you treat me then?" What do you think?


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## HappilyEvrAfter

...


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## agreenbough

Oh my, the MIL problem..... My MIL also lives in a different state, and issues with her visits were the original reason I joined here. She is very extroverted and pathologically HAPPY!!!! When she and my FIL visit, they stay for weeks. She's nice, but she thinks there's something wrong with me for not being elated about having houseguests. And for not being HAPPY and seeing the silver lining in every situation. Just because she loves cooking for and chatting with a house full of people means I should, too. (The bad part of that idea is that my husband apparently agrees with her.)

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm an INFP, and my husband is an ESTJ. We only just recently found this out. I feel steam-rolled a lot of the time, and I guess that explains it, at least partially.

When my in-laws are here, I often feel that I'm walking a tight rope trying to avoid a total mental breakdown. They're good natured, but very religious and straight laced. They make comments about me attending church (I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship) and I think that's out of line. It really isn't any of their business. My MIL can be rather condescending about my side of the family, because we are less educated and (gasp!!!!) occassionally have a drink. The ILs really have a "holier than thou" attitude, though I'm sure they'd be shocked to hear that. Their visits are the biggest issue my husband and I fight about. Bottling it up has just about killed me, but he won't talk to them about it. I feel at times that their feelings are more important to him than mine. But since they're all extroverts, maybe that's not really intentional - perhaps he just understands where they're coming from, and doesn't get where I'm coming from. Still hurts, though.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
Oh my, the MIL problem..... My MIL also lives in a different state, and issues with her visits were the original reason I joined here. She is very extroverted and pathologically HAPPY!!!! When she and my FIL visit, they stay for weeks. She's nice, but she thinks there's something wrong with me for not being elated about having houseguests. And for not being HAPPY and seeing the silver lining in every situation. Just because she loves cooking for and chatting with a house full of people means I should, too. (The bad part of that idea is that my husband apparently agrees with her.)

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm an INFP, and my husband is an ESTJ. We only just recently found this out. I feel steam-rolled a lot of the time, and I guess that explains it, at least partially.

When my in-laws are here, I often feel that I'm walking a tight rope trying to avoid a total mental breakdown. They're good natured, but very religious and straight laced. They make comments about me attending church (I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship) and I think that's out of line. It really isn't any of their business. My MIL can be rather condescending about my side of the family, because we are less educated and (gasp!!!!) occassionally have a drink. The ILs really have a "holier than thou" attitude, though I'm sure they'd be shocked to hear that. Their visits are the biggest issue my husband and I fight about. Bottling it up has just about killed me, but he won't talk to them about it. I feel at times that their feelings are more important to him than mine. But since they're all extroverts, maybe that's not really intentional - perhaps he just understands where they're coming from, and doesn't get where I'm coming from. Still hurts, though.

Hi, agreenbough. I can kind of relate to you, not in your situation with your in-laws, but with the fact that you're an INFP. I'm an INFP, as well. I also recently took a couple of personality tests to confirm this, and I have also done some reading up on the INFP personality and from everything that I have read, I can totally understand why you would feel steam rolled, alot, especially if your husband is ESTJ. INFP's tend to be more openminded and try to understand where other people are coming from and value connections and harmonious relationships with other people, so to not feel understood is probably very difficult for INFPs. Also, from what I have read, is that INFPs do tend to bottle up their feelings.

In terms of your relationship with your MIL, I think that you need to tell her flat out that you don't appreciate the comments that she makes. You have your preferences and she has hers, and she needs to try to accept that and let things rest, instead of nagging you about your preferences. Also, from what I have experienced with some extroverts, they love to put their two cents in, and don't realize how that can affect other people.


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## Mother Cake

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
(I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship)











And I'm INFP, too.


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## agreenbough

Mother Cake, I wish I had some advice for you about strangers touching you when you get pregnant. Maybe you'll just be lucky, like I was. I have two children, and while I get creeped out when strangers touch me, I really didn't have a problem with it when I was pregnant. I can't recall a single instance of it happening to me. (whew!!) Maybe I emit some kind of "stay away ray" - haha.
I think my biggest problem being a mother was feeling like I was supposed to socialize with other moms when my kids were small. I had a very difficult time with that. The whole birthday party thing was a major stressor for me, too, whether I was giving the party or just a guest.
My older child is very introverted, possibly even more so than me, but he's a very smart and reasonably well-adjusted person. My younger child is more in the middle of the I/E spectrum.
FallenofTrack, I appreciate your kind words. Having harmonious relationships is really important to me, and I think that's the root of my problem with bottling up my feelings. I've gone along with things I really didn't want to, just so everybody else was happy. I'm finally learning that that really isn't a good way to do things. I guess this is my mid-life crisis - making that effort to be true to myself in the face of reisitance from people who thought they knew me. I thought they knew me, too, so we're ALL confused!!!


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## Starflower

You know, I don't think anyone touched my belly when I was pregnant either. If they did, they asked permission first and were a friend. Otherwise, I am sure I'd remember.


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## madsommer

When I was pregnant the first time I had a lot of touchers...it was really weird. This second time I don't think anyone touched me. Maybe I was giving off a vibe, lol.


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## Mother Cake

Well, it's good to know that it's possible to get through pregnancy without being touched too much. I'll try to work on that vibe.


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## marieangela

Hello. I am INFP. I feel like I posted on an introvert thread before, but it must have been a different one. I have skimmed over some of this thread and can relate to a lot of it. I have a 7 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. It seems to be getting harder to figure out friend stuff for the kids these days. I just don't feel comfortable having other kids in my house and am often a bit overwhelmed with the noise and chaos that my own kids create. We don't really have playdates. I try to limit them to the park. Meeting kids at the park and having all of the parents be there works better for me. I also don't trust all of my first graders friends' parents and don't want him going to their houses (not to mention that my 4 1/2 year old would want to go to and it would either be a huge, awful battle with him not to go or me feeling like I'm imposing by having him go).
I need to see if my husband will take the meyers-briggs. We have some communication issues that definitely come back to our personality types. He is an executive chef and works long hours in a crazy environment. He expects quick and precise answers at work and sometimes that happens at home, too. As you may relate to, I am not one to give quick and precise answers. I often just freeze and need to process things for longer than average and that drives him a bit crazy.
I could ramble on forever, but I won't. My work, by the way, is two days a week for four hours each. I am in a Natural History museum library that is not open to the public. It is quite and extremely low stress and I rarely have to deal with people. It doesn't pay much, but it is really good for my sanity. I also read A LOT and have been doing jigsaw puzzles as ways to relax and get myself together after deal with the constant talking and demands of my children.


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## agreenbough

marieangela, I do jigsaw puzzles, too - I like that I can just let my mind wander. For that reason alone, it's very relaxing. (I can do a 1000 piece puzzle in two days.)

When my kids were smaller, having their friends over was very stressful for me, too. Mostly from having to deal with their parents (and the phone calls involved). I didn't really feel like I was in a position to discipline other people's kids, even if they were at my house. Now that the kids are older it's a bit better, mainly because they are better able to do their own thing and entertain themselves - and make their own phone calls to make arrangements. Luckily my kids are both pretty low-key, and their friends tend to be that way, too. I personally even found the park to be stressful - I wantd the kids to interact with other kids, but I had ZERO desire to chat with the other mothers.

I've known my MBTI type for years, but only recently had my husband take the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, which is a much shorter test. You can probably find it online. (I found it in the book "Please Understand Me".) Your husband may be more likely to do it since it's a shorter test. My husband seems to be skeptical of the whole thing, and I think he would have lost interest before he got all the way through the MBTI.

Like you, I work part time in a quiet environment. It is enough. My husband is also a person who wants quick answers now, and this difference in our styles has caused and is causing a lot of grief. I tried to explain how being pressured to give quick answers makes my mind go blank and he doesn't get it - he thinks I'm being deliberately difficult. Even though we've been married a long time, he suddenly seems to think my quiet nature and need for alone time are a rejection of him. I guess it's more glaring now that I'm making an effort to understand myself and stand up for my needs. Having never done this in the past (always taking care of the needs of others first and doing what they needed or wanted me to do), maybe he feels like he's a victim of the old "bait and switch". It's a very hard time right now, trying to fight to just be who I am when he only sees it as rejection. And I feel hurt because i thought he understood me, and he obviously doesn't. I usually read a lot, but I've been so distracted by our poor communication issues that I can't keep my mind on a book.


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## Starflower

marieangela

Whew! I have had a weird day. Was going to sign up DD for a nature based homeschool program for next year. Instead, I got text messages that my bank account was overdrawn. Someone stole our account number somehow and tried to use a fake ID to take out a large sum of money. (Which was only there because we just got our taxes back.)

Ends up they didn't actually get the money out, but the account got flagged and I had to go close it and open up a new one. Now I have to untangle all the mess of the automatic payments on everything. Yeesh. DH has to go in tomorrow to sign papers so he can be on the new account since it was our joint account.

There was also a lot of police activity in our area (very unusual) and I still haven't figured out what all the speeding cop cars were doing. Kind of freaky.

Tonight I went to a belly dance class. I have been dancing for a long time, but I am very rusty so it's a "performance" class, just to get into the swing of things. People seemed nice, but I felt nervous and out of place. Mostly just the usual introvert in a new situation thing, I think. My legs will likely be sore tomorrow. I need to start working out again now that everyone is done being sick.

I feel very scattered today. And kind of nervous. Hopefully I can get some stuff sorted out tomorrow and get things back on track.

This weekend we are set to have a babysitter and DH and I are going to a concert in the city. It's a smaller venue which is nice - a historic theater. (I hate arena concerts.) We rarely ever go on dates so this will be nice, but kind of a "big deal" since it's across the bridge.

The next day DD has her play performance in the morning, earlier than the usual class - we're all night people and DD won't go to sleep with a sitter, so Monday morning should be fun. That was not planned - everything just kind of ended up scheduled back to back. I am trying to not get too much else going on this weekend so I don't get peopled out.

This is as close as I can come to "frazzled" smiley


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## Starflower

Update: The person who stole our account number did get away with the money. It was their second attempt that didn't work. Still trying to untangle the mess. Yeesh!

Weirdness with friend:

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend I see about once a week. Lunch went well. We talked about stuff that mattered and she offered to help me out by going to a gyno with me as a support person/second brain so I can finally get some health stuff sorted out. I am grateful for this since sometimes I feel like I can ask all the questions I need of a doc, and sometimes I just can't seem to communicate with them. I really need some good answers before trying any procedures and I feel like I haven't got them yet. My friend is an extrovert and is very good verbally and at negotiations. So she will help me here.

What got weird was when she was dropping me off. I mentioned that DD and I had some mosquito larvae in jars which we were observing and we joked that DD will probably end up being a scientist or something. My friend is going to school now to become a teacher. She works as a para-educator right now with a really good altenrative public school program. She thinks DD would do well in that program. I am mildly interested but we have already decided to homeschool. I thought she knew this, but now she seems to be trying to sell me the program.

I can't think well "on my feet" verbally - especially when I feel upset or flustered. She asked me why I was being defensive because she says she's not trying to tell me what to do, but just wants to make sure I know all my options.

I figured out later that evening why it bugged me so much. If I had said I was going to try PS would she make sure I had checked out all the other options of private schools and homeschooling? I think not. I am not sure if I am explaining this well, but it just seems like if I had signed up with a private school or decided to enroll DD in public school, I wouldn't be getting educational advice. I don't think my friend sees this part of it.

I don't think this is a make or break moment for our friendship (hope not anyway) but I am annoyed with her. Now I have to decide if I want to try to explain why I am annoyed and feeling defensive and see if she will even understand. I don't think I could do this effectively verbally. I could send her an email to clarify - if I could figure out what to say. It's also possible that since I don't always declare things decisively, she thought there was an "in" or that I was unsure of my options. I will probably approach it from this angle and just start making sure that I describe my decisions about things more confidently.


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## Sustainer

When people say that they want to make sure you're aware of your options, what they really mean is that they want to make sure you're aware of the option that *they* champion. Obviously you wouldn't need to be made aware of the option that you're already going with. And obviously if the option that a friend advocated and the option that you had chosen were the same option, then they would see no need to preach to the choir. Unless she stays on your case about it or keeps pushing her own educational program on you, I would let it go. If she brings it up again, just smile and say "thank you for your interest, but I've definitely decided to stick with homeschooling. I've done my research and I feel that this is the best option for us." Then change the subject.

I wouldn't strain a relationship with someone who's about to go to the gyn with me.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
When people say that they want to make sure you're aware of your options, what they really mean is that they want to make sure you're aware of the option that *they* champion. Obviously you wouldn't need to be made aware of the option that you're already going with. And obviously if the option that a friend advocated and the option that you had chosen were the same option, then they would see no need to preach to the choir. Unless she stays on your case about it or keeps pushing her own educational program on you, I would let it go. If she brings it up again, just smile say "thank you for your interest, but I've definitely decided to stick with homeschooling. I've done my research and I feel that this is the best option for us." Then change the subject.

I wouldn't strain a relationship with someone who's about to go to the gyn with me.

You stated all of this much better than I did. And yes, I agree. I'm not looking for a fight with her. I guess I was just surprised because we'd been through this before two years ago. Knowing her, my friend probably did think I was unsure on my position and she was likely feeling very enthusiastic about her latest projects/school stuff. If it comes up again, I'll let her know we're firm on our decision. She backed off last time, though I did have to be quite direct with her. I often times have difficulty being direct with people. But I am working on it.


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## Mother Cake

Look what I found at Cafe Press! Perfect for a pregnant introvert.









Starflower: I hear you about having trouble being direct. I have a similar issue--I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).

Good luck working things out with your friend in a way that is comforatble for both of you.


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## Starflower

Cool shirt, Mother Cake!

I got a phone message from my friend today. She got in touch with her gyno for me.







I'm not too worried about the school stuff. Usually I can just bean dip people about it and not get too flustered. I think I was just feeling really sensitive after going through the mess with the stolen bank account number. Sigh. We're still untangling that mess.

But at least I have a ref for a doctor from someone who knows what I am looking for in a doc - and someone to go with me as an advocate.

I've been pretty social lately, I guess. This morning DH and I watched DD in a play for the end of her homeschool drama class. Then I spent several hours with an old friend I hadn't seen since September. She's had one of the procedures that was recommended to me. And gave me the name of a doctor to avoid. Mostly we just caught up with one another, went thrift shopping and had dinner. It was fun and I'm so glad I got to spend a lot of time with her.

But I think tomorrow will probably be a good day for keeping to myself.


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## Starflower

OK. I think I was too social over the weekend and on Monday. I've been having major anxiety all day today. Argh! Luckily, DH took DD to the Y tonight for some swimming so I get an hour or two on my own.

I am seriously fantasizing about having a hotel getaway just for me.


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## agreenbough

**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *agreenbough* 
**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!

I'm sorry your DH isn't being helpful.

They sound like they are from the old 1978 SNL skit, an "ad" for a movie called "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave," starring John Belushi, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray where Belushi plays a house guest who just doesn't get the hint. It's hilarious, but unfortunately, I couldn't find any video for it online. (I'm a Belushi fan - it's on the Best of Belushi DVD.)


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## KBinSATX

Yikes I wouldn't have the patience for that. No way would they get to stay that long. My MIL and FIL aren't even 'invited' for more than a couple of days.
I got my limits. It's better for all of us... lol


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## Holiztic

Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!


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## Starflower

Holiztic

Welcome to the introvert thread. I've been typing responses to other threads tonight and then deleting them instead of posting.







But I will respond to your post.

My biggest challenge as a homeschooler is getting DD enough social activity while I get enough of a break. It's gotten better since she's turned into a bookworm. She is definitely spirited (big time) and though she is less introverted than me, I no longer see her as a true extrovert. We talk about how we have differing social needs. And while she used to talk non-stop all the time, she is beginning to show more introverted traits now.

However, now I believe DD is more of a kinetic learner than I once thought so I am looking for an outlet for her to be more physical (I'm thinking aikido). She wants to "play fight" all the time like warrior cats and wrestle with me and DH. I don't mind some, but she's also always in my face and climbing on me. She nursed all the time when she was younger, and didn't quit until she was almost 6, so I think this is some of where the physical space stuff comes in - she is looking for a replacement for that closeness. I love snuggling with her but I need to have some space and she's just getting to big to be jumping on me and climbing on me all the time.

DD is an only child and is extremely intense, sensitive, persistent and intelligent, so we have a very intense relationship. And yeah, like you, it's just her and me most of the time.

Hang in there.


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## Katielady

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Holiztic* 
Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!

My son is spirited, active, extroverted, and gifted too. I limit his media to 1/2 hr TV and 1hr computer/day...if I didn't, he'd use it 24/7. If I'm not actively engaging him, he pretty much follows me around and waits for me to be ready to interact with him again, or begs for TV etc. He is nearly incapable of playing by himself despite huge efforts on my part to help him learn.

I couldn't survive without DS being in preschool. We found a lovely co-op nearby. He thrives on the social contact and attention from other adults, and I get enough of a break that I'm not angry at him all the time. As soon as he's away from me for like an hour, I start missing him; that's all it takes. And when I pick him up we both are refreshed. I'd definitely recommend looking into it.


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## Galatea

Excited to find you all!

Holiztic... I was in a similar situation as you with my first child. Play dates made me want to cry and scream. What helped at first was having ds2... then they could play with each other! When ds1 turned 3, even though I had been dead set on homeschooling, we actually sent him to preschool b/c I realized that he was so extraverted that even schooling him would drive me nuts. What is funny to me now is that ds2 is exactly like me, personality-wise, and if it were just us, I would gladly homeschool him! He likes school, though, just in a quieter way than ds1.

So I say, send him to preschool, let him get all the extraverted socialization time he needs, and spend the time doing what you need to do. Sounds like a win-win. I LOVE my kids being at school and could never imagine HSing now!

I found this tribe b/c I have a job that is seriously incompatible with my introversion. I own a natural baby store. For the first year, it was online, with one-on-one orientation and shopping sessions in my house. I scheduled these at my convenience, and it was never more than me and 1 family. That suited me fine, and was actually fulfilling b/c being 1-on-1 allowed us to get comfy and I was actually able to advocate for natural birth, no circ, etc.

Now we are in a retail space, open 6 days a week, 10-5, and I am to the point where I cringe every time the store door chime rings. I mean, hopefully they will give me their money and all that, but the thought at having to do yet another cloth diaper information session on the spot, multiple times a day... it makes me crazy. I have free orientation sessions for many people at once every other Saturday, and you get 10% off for attending that, but people still demand to be taught everything whenever they walk in. I try to talk them into attending the orientation, but when they refuse, I get so angry at them that I have to step in the back for a minute to calm down.

I hired my dh b/c he is extraverted and a born salesperson, but even that isn't working b/c he doesn't get me either and shoots me these exasperated grunts and looks when the door is chiming and I'm in the back working on the website or something. Or when I don't fall all over myself greeting customers and making small talk. All the required small talk kills me. My new least favorite is, "So how's the store going?" Really? Do you really want to discuss my business model and performance? Dh tells me I should just say, "Fine," but every time I get asked it, I am so flummoxed that I think it must get awkward.

What also irritates me is that I think my dh thinks there is something wrong with me, but I know I have just always been like this. I really miss my old set-up with lots of time to myself and the ability to schedule when I had to talk to people. And I am really great in front of a large group, like the orientation sessions - I just can't stand people walking in, with no control over my schedule or allowance for my mood.

I am afraid that this retail storefront was a huge mistake.


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## Sustainer

Quote:

My new least favorite is, "So how's the store going?" Really? Do you really want to discuss my business model and performance? Dh tells me I should just say, "Fine," but every time I get asked it, I am so flummoxed that I think it must get awkward.
You probably know this, but I just wanted to say that your dh is right about this. People don't really want to discuss your business model with you. They just expect you to smile and say "it's going well" or say "not too bad" or something like that, and then change the subject. It's just a meaningless little ritual that's irritating to us introverts, and I would just do it and try not to think about it.


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## Starflower

Galatea - about the how's-your-business questions - just say something like "Great. Thanks for asking." I doubt many people expect much more than that. You could practice saying it to yourself until it becomes automatic and then you might not feel so flustered when it comes up.

While your business sounds wonderful and like it has the potential to be very successful, it sounds like your role has grown into something you no longer enjoy. Is it possible you could hire a second person to do more sales/extroverted duties and then you could just manage the web stuff and the seminars?

Also, maybe you could show your DH some of the introvert books so he can see that you are not messed up, but rather just introverted, which a perfectly legitimate way of being. It sounds like his grunts and comments are making things even harder for you.
_
The Introvert Advantage_ and _Introvert Power_ are books that come to mind - I've also seen a book for introverts in business during an online search, but I'm not personally familiar with it.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to make things work for you.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
You probably know this, but I just wanted to say that your dh is right about this. People don't really want to discuss your business model with you. They just expect you to smile and say "it's going well" or say "not too bad" or something like that, and then change the subject. It's just a meaningless little ritual that's irritating to us introverts, and I would just do it and try not to think about it.

Galatea, I agree with this, as well. When people ask a question like that, it is basically just to get a simple reply of "Oh, everything is going well" and just leave it at that. No one is really expecting you to give a break down of everything that is going on with the store, unless the person is really nosey and intrusive, as some people tend to be. But I definitely understand why you feel the way you do. I tend to take questions as an interrogation as well, since I don't tend to ask people questions like that. I find that kind of small talk to be intrusive. When I go into a store or whereever, I am going there to make a purchase or to look around, not to make small talk and not to inquire about peoples business, because I feel like I would be annoying other people. But there are people who are very comfortable asking those kinds of questions.


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## Starflower

Ack!

I'm giving myself anxiety from trying to plan vacations to visit family this summer. Do it in two trips? Combine into one long trip? How much time driving can we do with a 7 year old and not go stir-crazy? Hoping to fly at least part of it (or one of them depending how this ends up being scheduled). Not thrilled about flying personally. But also not thrilled about possibly spending 6 days minimum driving within a 14 day span.

I am thinking at this point that two separate trips might be preferable to retain my sanity. Then there is the question of how do we afford all this? (MIL and FIL may pay for plane tickets and hotel for a family reunion.) Can't afford to fly for both trips no matter how they are arranged on the calendar - even if MIL/FIL pay for one of them.

Family reunion.....







Does that word combination make anyone else on here shutter? This would be DH's family on his mom's side. I've only met one of them besides her. So it would be more of a situation of dealing with a lot of people I don't know. On the plus side, there should be some really good authentic Mexican food.









The more I think about it, the more I think I'd like to just bag one trip. Not sure if that's an option or not though. If not, then two separate trips would be better if only so I don't dread July because it's completely booked up with no breathing room.

OK. Done rambling now.


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## agreenbough

I've been to enough family reunions (my husband's family) that they really don't bother me too much, though it wouldn't surprise me if people think I'm a little stand-offish. I spend most of the time with my own kids, and don't really flit around socializing. I usually find a place to sit and pretty much stay there. I like to listen to the conversation, but prefer not to talk too much about myself. There's usually someone who asks a lot of questions: How's your job? How's your mother? They don't get much more of an answer than, "Fine." I just really don't want to get into a bunch of details, because detailed conversation about everyday stuff and on-the-spot questioning by people I rarely see aren't my idea of fun. I used to try to contribute a food item, but my in-laws, in my opinion, are food snobs. If it isn't 100% homemade, it won't get eaten. (And, alas, no Mexican. The most "exotic" spice anyone there uses is black pepper. And enough butter to harden your arteries just looking at it.)
Several years ago, a relative I had not seen in over 20 years of reunions (in fact, I had never met her, ever) showed up, and decided to take over the whole thing - where it would be held, etc. I haven't been since she claimed it as her own party. I'm sure it's now even more of an extrovert extavaganza - hahaha!!!


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## crabbyowl

Yes, family reunions aren't all that much fun. I also just sit around and not really talk to anyone except those I really know, and bring a book.

My BIL is getting married next month, and I just received an invitation to his fiancee's bachelorette party. As much as I'd like a night out, I don't think I'm going to go. First of all, she and I hardly ever see each other and we aren't at all close. Second, she and her set of friends are five years younger than me (she's 22), a lot of them are single, and none of them have kids. Plus I've only met them once, very briefly. Going out drinking with a group of people I don't know and probably don't have much in common with doesn't sound like very much fun. I may be becoming a stodgy old lady, but that doesn't mean I want to really feel like one!


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## Starflower

I am feeling better today. I think I was getting flippy from PMS. It adds to my tendencies toward anxiety.

agreenbough - I had to laugh when I read about your family thinking black pepper is an exotic spice. That's exactly how my family is. They had never heard of hummus and thought I was weird for eating it. I don't think they even tried it except for my uncle who had traveled a bit. I have to avoid dairy so every time I am with my family it's hard to figure out food since they put cream of mushroom soup on everything.

DH's family is Hispanic on his mom's side. I'm hoping for some homemade tamales.









crabbyowl - Last time we did the reunion thing with my family, all my cousins went out. I thought they'd have dinner or something, but they just went bar-hopping. Whatever. DH and I hung out with the old people instead. We're just not into that.

Also, we've decided NOT to do the trip as one big long trip within a trip. Instead we'll do two trips. Now I just have to figure out when to do the regular driving trip across three states. I am trying to time it so I won't be overwhelmed, but we have a lot going on this summer. And I have to time it so I won't be on my period because my periods are so bad that I don't like to leave the house much for a few days.

So back to planning phase, but feeling better. We're hoping to have access to a car - maybe a rental - so if I need a break, I can go back to the hotel and get away from everybody. DH really is awesome about trying to help me get my introvert time.


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## mamadeuna

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Grahnola Mum* 
Wow, I am so glad I found this thread today - it has been another day of chastising myself for being so introverted and "making" DD such an introvert.

Oh, this is definitely what I needed to read today. I am right there with you, Grahnola Mum. I've been feeling bad for days because DD is having trouble socially at school (not the norm for her) because she has been isolating herself from the other kids. Granted, we're living in another country with a language she doesn't speak or understand well, but the fact that she's having such a rough time for this particular reason has made me reflect strongly on my own introvert/INTJ tendencies. It has always been something I've struggled with, and despite having a strong, but small, circle of friends, I have to work hard at not getting down on myself for not fitting the culturally preferred extrovert model. Even things like getting involved at her school, which I totally support and want to do, in theory, are hard for me, but it's probably better for her, and for me, if I do push my boundaries a little bit.


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## Starflower

mamadeuna

My SIL just posted on FB that she had a BBQ birthday gathering with 12 of her close friends. _Twelve close friends?!_ I can't imagine having that many "close" friends. I guess she's an extrovert.


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## Mother Cake

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
My SIL just posted on FB that she had a BBQ birthday gathering with 12 of her close friends. _Twelve close friends?!_ I can't imagine having that many "close" friends. I guess she's an extrovert.


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## agreenbough

Starflower, I've seen jokes forwarded by email that the only "spices" used by people in the part of the country my in-laws are from are salt, pepper, and ketchup. Sadly, it seems to be true. They eat the most boring food, loaded with butter and whole milk. There are more stereotypes about the part of the country I'm from, but my side of the family eats everything - foods most people don't like. So in addition to being an introvert, they think I'm strange because I like anchovies and (gasp!!) lima beans!! They are also teetotalers - sometimes I think things might go more smoothly if a little alcohol was involved in those massive get-togethers - haha!


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## Starflower

Ella-6

Congratulations on your baby!

I think baby groups/classes, etc can be useful. I joined a baby class at the hospital where everyone sat around nursing and asking questions about babies and stuff. Since it was all baby info it didn't feel like mindless chit-chat. The info was good (ironically, the hospital classes suggested co-sleeping and AP practices) and it got me out of the house.

There were a few play groups that formed out of it, but no one had to be involved. I am not in touch with any of them now unless I run into them in town - which is rare - though we used to some babysitting trades for awhile.

I think it depends on what kind of support you have where you are and what you feel like you need. I am in an area far away from all family so I do feel like I need some support. I never did try LLL though I did do CLW with DD.

If you think you might like to try a group, why not try it out? If not, then I wouldn't worry about it.

___________________________________________
OT: It's almost 3 a.m. and I am really tired because I just got back from the emergency vet with my dog who is very sick.







I'll be taking her to her regular vet in a few hours to try to figure out what is going on with her and she will need some fluids.


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## Starflower

Ella-6 I used to work in advertising. lol But it's been 15 years and I wouldn't suggest anything I didn't actually think was worthwhile - which is why I no longer work in advertising.

Update on my furball: we took her to her regular vet. She is OK as far as fluids. She is now eating again and has resumed drinking water. She seems to have had a bit of a bowel obstruction from eating sand & wood chips, which means I have to watch her like a hawk every time she goes out. Also waiting for her to go poo to make sure things are still moving.

Now I am a bit concerned about an eye goober she has. I've washed it off. Her eye seems OK but has some stuff at the corner. If it's still gunky in the morning, I'm supposed to bring her back in.


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## Starflower

My dog has pink eye. Bleah. But at least that's it. She's doing much better now.

More on topic, my cousin announced on FB that she is going on vacation in a few days - in my state. I don't think she plans to visit me or contact me at all. This bothers me a bit, though really, when I think about it, I have no idea what we'd talk about anyway since we're so different. I think she wrote me off as a stiff or a party pooper after our family reunion in 2008 because I didn't want to go out bar-hopping with her and the other cousins. She is the oldest, a couple months older than me. Many of the others are in their twenties. I just didn't want to go out partying. I didn't even like doing that when I was in college.

I asked her on FB what area she was visiting. So far, no reply. I really get the sense she is avoiding me. Now I need to figure out why I care.









I really think FB is a PITA. I have only been keeping it because it's the only way I've been able to keep in touch with a couple people I actually really do care about. Most everyone else is just acquaintances. I guess my cousin kind of fits into this category as well even though we are related.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
My dog has pink eye. Bleah. But at least that's it. She's doing much better now.

More on topic, my cousin announced on FB that she is going on vacation in a few days - in my state. I don't think she plans to visit me or contact me at all. This bothers me a bit, though really, when I think about it, I have no idea what we'd talk about anyway since we're so different. I think she wrote me off as a stiff or a party pooper after our family reunion in 2008 because I didn't want to go out bar-hopping with her and the other cousins. She is the oldest, a couple months older than me. Many of the others are in their twenties. I just didn't want to go out partying. I didn't even like doing that when I was in college.

I asked her on FB what area she was visiting. So far, no reply. I really get the sense she is avoiding me. Now I need to figure out why I care.









I really think FB is a PITA. I have only been keeping it because it's the only way I've been able to keep in touch with a couple people I actually really do care about. Most everyone else is just acquaintances. I guess my cousin kind of fits into this category as well even though we are related.


Hey, Starflower, I can totally relate to your feelings about FB. I signed up for it last year, and so far I really haven't been on there that much, because I don't have that many people to keep in touch with. When I initially signed up for FB, my main purpose was to reconnect with some people from highschool, and a couple of people as far back as middle school. I added several friends and family members, but I barely keep in touch with any of these people, so there is really no point in even having the account.

A couple of weeks ago, a half brother whom I had heard about but never met, decided to send me a friend request. I was shocked to receive the request. I accepted the request, and he and I got a chance to talk to each other. This was probably the one time that I was really happy that I had signed up for FB. But once he and I talked a couple of times, I realized that he and I probably weren't going to be keeping in touch. I just got a feeling that even though we had those initial conversations, I probably wouldn't hear from him all that much. So once again, I am thinking of just deactivating my account and calling it a day in terms of FB.


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## Starflower

I went to a party last night. It was OK. Had two in-depth and interesting conversations amongst having the same exact chit-chat conversation with everyone else. I did know everyone but one person and it wasn't huge so that was good.

Tonight we went to a family night potluck at our UU church. Not too many people. I did OK and ended up getting some decent conversation with another introvert afterward. The kids weren't too noisy for a change so that helped too.

However, I was very sleepy and tired at the beginning of both events. I'm wondering if it was a blood sugar thing, a not-enough-sleep thing or maybe my way of trying to check out in extroverted situations. Probably a combo of some sort.

I still think it's weird that I need more alone time AND more IRL social time than my DH. He's fine with parties, festivals, concerts, etc. He doesn't seek out friends though he likes it when he spends time with people.

Anyway, just over here pondering as usual.


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## laehmichal

oh my GOD am I happy to have found this thread!! It is so nice just to see that I'm not crazy for being the way I am! I have recently been criticized - quite harshly - by an old friend for my 'attitude about anything even remotely social', so it is very validating to read through all your posts and see that others don't enjoy the same social settings that take such a toll on me. I will be following this thread closely! Finding balance between my internal solace and support being home with the littles (dh works 2 jobs, and while he is awesome his support comes in small exposure) has been difficult, and important for me to juggle. Looking forward to learning from you - thanks again for this thread!!!


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## Starflower

Welcome, laehmichal


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## Galatea

FB irritates me, too. I feel like everyone's status updates are designed to show off in some way... like what part of myself can I inappropriately reveal in order to receive attention today???


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## irisheyes66

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
I got another book, Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto, that I'm hoping to read after this one.

Quoting an old post here...but I picked up this book and *wow*, it's as if the author "knows" me. It's THAT relevant to my lifestyle/mindset. *highly recommend*

So glad to find this thread; I am pretty much a lurker here at MDC, but this thread caught my eye and I found myself nodding in agreement quite often









Like most introverts, I am quite content in my solitude...those closest to me accept me as I am, even if they don't understand "why" I prefer my own company to a busy social circle. However, I am still made to feel like some huge oddball when it comes to co-workers, holidays or dating (and choice to avoid/not participate in all three of these).

It's just nice to know I am not alone in my "innie" nature.


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## spiderdust

I was almost too introverted to join this thread... but somehow I have a feeling people might understand how I'm semi-serious about that.


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## Starflower

spiderdust and irisheyes66

I am fantasizing about an introvert's night out - at a hotel. I really want a break. Unfortunately, we can't afford it right now. I'm in the midst of birthday party prep for DD's party on Sunday. I'm dancing at a show on Sat. DD has been a complete pill the past week, the house is a mess and I seem to be getting a cold. Oh,yeah. And we're going on vacation next week - a family visit vacation out of state. Ack!

I keep thinking of those old commercials - "Calgon...take me away" but I'd have to clean the tub and then convince DD not to knock on the door.

One day I am going to get a hotel night to myself. Or a B&B in the mountains.


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## treehugz

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I keep thinking of those old commercials - "Calgon...take me away" but I'd have to clean the tub and then convince DD not to knock on the door.

One day I am going to get a hotel night to myself. Or a B&B in the mountains.

Ah, the Calgon fantasy... also one of my favorites. Just reminded me of when I rented a cabin in the mountains, complete with hot tub and gorgeous view, for a week once ... just me and my cat ... bliss ... that was pre-kids, though.


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## spiderdust

Oh, that sounds wonderful... I wish I could do something like that, just for a couple of days.


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## pebbles

I am also a lurker on this thread and can so relate to many mammas here.

My ds is 20 months and although he is also (I believe) introverted wants so badly to play with our 2 year old neighbor. He has been yelling out the window whenever he sees her and I feel horrible for not wanting to take him out to play. I don't feel very comfortable around her parents (they seem nice enough) they are just very social, have many friends and many gatherings which we are not a part of. I feel bad for my ds.


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## goldenwillow

Ahhh.... nice to find this thread.

Ella-6--- I have an 11 month old son. I went to the LLL meetings before I had him as a recommendation from my midwife and found it a great resource. Those meetings in my area are once a month, no problem. I then felt necessary to go to 2 other groups so my Son could play, (or so I could get out of the house!) which was really positive. Slowly, I started getting sucked into all the drama and slowly backed off the 2 groups and only attend the monthly LLL. I feel sooo much better now. My Son has a few impromptu play times when we hit the Co-Op and run into other mamas and kids. I was grateful to exchange a few email addresses with mamas that were like myself.


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## goldenwillow

FB... geez.... I am so glad I haven't signed up, however, I hear about it from our families all the time. "If you were on FB you would have seen that"... Honestly, I don't care.


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## Starflower

I survived our "vacation" of visiting family and more family. Some parts were good, some were OK, some were fairly miserable. We only got to visit one friend and we were frazzled by then, but it was still way more fun/relaxing than the family stuff. Saw some pretty views but didn't have a chance to go do anything in the areas we were visiting because we were constantly driving from one family thing to another. (DH's family reunion.)

When planning the trip, I remembered to space out the days of driving, but we didn't get to space out the family visits, so we spent a lot of time in the car crammed in like sardines with grandparents and their pets - first part with my parents, the second half of the trip with DH's parents. (One drive was 10+ hours.)

DD had an anxiety attack on the airplane home last night. (I have anxiety too but I try to hide it.) Our flight was delayed by an hour and a half and we had some very bumpy and yawing turbulence for part of the flight. Amazingly, DD managed to fall asleep for the last half hour. We finally got home around midnight or so.

And we are so glad to be home now with just us and our own pets. (And the air conditioner.) I'd use the jumping for joy smiley but we're still way to tired for that.


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## Fat Scottish Gal

I just found this tribe and I totally would fit in here. I'm poster girl for Introverts R Us or something like that. Can I join in, can I, can I, huh?

My husband is poster boy for Extroverts R Us which drives me nuts sometimes, but actually works out perfectly. He does all the talking while I hide behind him. He goes to loads of breakfast get togethers etc and enjoys socializing at work, while I stay home. We do some organized socializing, like hosting game nights or throwing a BBQ. I do ok when it's scheduled and I can predict who will be there and how long it will last and can plan a day of recovery at the other side.

My biggest problem just now is living in a duplex with very social neighbors who looove to talk at every opportunity. I really like her, she's awesome, but I need to be able to put some trash out without having to duck and dive under windows and such in order to avoid a chit chat. I end up having to spend so much time with my blinds closed to avoid being spotted. I feel like I'm in public 24/7 and it's soooo tiring for me. I really need my own space, a haven to crash out in. Sometimes I can laugh it off but other times I really feel like it could drive me to insanity. My doorbell constantly rings with grown ups and kids from the neighborhood wanting to hang out or talk or borrow sugar etc. It's a nice wee community but a big old house out in the country would suit me much better.


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## Sustainer

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fat Scottish Gal*
My biggest problem just now is living in a duplex with very social neighbors who looove to talk at every opportunity. I really like her, she's awesome, but I need to be able to put some trash out without having to duck and dive under windows and such in order to avoid a chit chat. I end up having to spend so much time with my blinds closed to avoid being spotted. I feel like I'm in public 24/7 and it's soooo tiring for me. I really need my own space, a haven to crash out in. Sometimes I can laugh it off but other times I really feel like it could drive me to insanity. My doorbell constantly rings with grown ups and kids from the neighborhood wanting to hang out or talk or borrow sugar etc. It's a nice wee community but a big old house out in the country would suit me much better.









I moved from a city to the country and I am much happier now. I used to feel like I was being watched all the time and it made me not want to do anything. I even developed agoraphobia for a while although I don't think it was entirely the result of being an introvert in a city. Now I finally feel relaxed and I feel like I can actually walk out of my house and still have privacy. I highly recommend it.


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## Holiztic

We were at DH's sister's wedding this week--it was local but we stayed at the hotel for two nights and were in the wedding party--so we had several engagements. I was (am) a bit under the weather AND was responsible for our 3 year old, so I left the reception dinner at 8 (the after dinner party went until 11) and left the wedding reception at 10 (they stayed at the site until 11 and then were out until 2 am bar hopping).

Both times I left all the others (both non-parents and parents that left their kids home) were so sorry for me having to leave early and sit in my hotel room so early while they all partied. I acted sad, but really I was SOOOOO thrilled to get to the quiet hotel room, put on my PJs, wash my face and read a book while DS slept. Heaven!


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## LaFlaca1226

Hi innie mamas! I'm happy to find this thread. Here are my results on the MB test:

Ta-dah, your personality type is *ISFJ*!
*Introverted (I) 93%*Extraverted (E) 7%*Sensing (S) 91%*Intuitive (N) 9%*Feeling (F) 70%*Thinking (T) 30%*Judging (J) 91%*Perceiving (P) 9%

It's so refreshing to read through these posts and see that other people feel like I do. I can relate to almost all of it, such as hating the phone, finding it hard to make new friends, fantasizing about going away alone, being quiet but very observant in groups, thriving on one-on-one time with people I love, etc. For example, it's hard to get the rest of my family (especially DH) to understand if I just want to hang out with my brother alone. My mom is introverted like me, and it's hard for us to get time alone together without our DHs thinking we're being exclusive or that we're "up to" something. And it's hard for me to fit in with my in-laws, who traditionally do EVERYTHING in a group.









DH is an ENFP, so we struggle over many differences (not just innie vs. outie). Luckily, we are learning more about each other's personality types, and he is starting to understand me better. In fact, he told me in advance about a surprise baby shower that was being planned for me, because he knew that I would LOSE MY MIND if he spontaneously tried to bring me someplace that was not on my agenda, and that I would
be totally uncomfortable being surprised by a big group of people, even if it is all family. My SIL planned the shower, and she was annoyed that he told me and ruined the surprise, but I just love him for understanding me so well.









DD is almost 3, and she's an introvert too. At the baby shower last weekend (which was okay for me, since I had mentally prepared for it), she was very quiet and would only talk to her Gabby (my MIL). I was glad that the rest of the family accepted her behavior, and no one bugged her to "come out of her shell" or be more sociable.

DD also stays on the potty reading for 45 minutes or more, and yells "I'm not done!" if she hears me coming. She just needs that time alone, and I totally get it.

I am sending her to preschool this fall two mornings a week, and I am a little nervous for her. She is very motivated academically, and I know she will really benefit from the learning that will happen there. *But how can I prepare her for the social aspect of it?* We do playdates and LLL meetings, but so far she hasn't shown any interest in playing WITH other kids. (Except that she wants to kiss all the babies on their heads.) *Any other mamas have experience with sending young introverts to school?*


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## sunnybear

I didn't know this tribe existed... This is another spot for me, for sure.







We just did what I refer to as "corporate team building junk" which involved the personality testing and ways to work with people who have different personality types. I came out as the very introverted, prefers to work independently, etc etc to which the other girls in my department said, "Duh!"


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## myjo

I've always felt so guilty about being and introvert. I've lost friends because of it. But I tend to form very deep friendships with those who are willing to stick with me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Yep, me too. I've had a few close girl friends over the years who have all moved away. My best friend is a guy and also an introvert... since I got married we don't get together and talk much... since we have a history of some romantic tension I feel like I can't talk to him openly about my marriage (which I wish I had some girl friends to talk with about). My dh is an extrovert, and I feel like our relationship can be kinda shallow and wish we could have a deeper connection. Anyone else with an extroverted dh feel like this?

Oh yeah! I guess I never really connected it with his extroversion, but I definitely feel that our conversations tend to be very shallow. He doesn't like deep philosophical conversations, he just wants to dish about other people, which I hate.


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## Starflower

to all the new people on the thread!

I'm getting ready for two performances at a belly dance festival this weekend. Exciting and fun, but I also have to psych myself up for festivals in general - even when I'm not in them! Sometimes it's easier as a performer because I can go as my persona rather than myself. I am also working the festival (briefly) at the end.

I am predicting that by Monday I will want to stay home and watch movies with DD.







Which is my plan.

Then I have to pack and get ready for our church camp-out. It's a lot fun but it also can be overwhelming for me. We used to only go Friday - Sunday but by the time I had decompressed enough to want to be social, everyone was going home. Now we go up on Thursday so I can get an extra day to chill out.

I tend to be quite social when I am in the right mood (and with the right people), but I am pretty touchy. I am still learning about how to do vacations.

Actually, I guess vacations aren't really what I am talking about. I am getting pretty good about vacation trips, like the camp out. However, I am still learning about how to visit with family without going bonkers - or shutting down. Some day we are going to do an actual _vacation_ instead of a "family visiting" trip.


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## LaFlaca1226

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
I am still learning about how to visit with family without going bonkers - or shutting down. Some day we are going to do an actual _vacation_ instead of a "family visiting" trip.

I totally feel you on the going-bonkers and shutting-down reactions to being cooped up with family for an extended period of time.

We share a beach house with my in-laws (they pay) and my SIL for a week every June. I have such a hard time being with all of them without a break, that here's what I do: I stay at the beach house to knit and read instead of going to the beach!!! Isn't that sad? Spending all morning AND all evening with the whole fam is all I can take. I cannot go sit on the beach with them for the middle part of the day too. This is my newest solution since I've spent years asking DH if we can try and go off on our own in the evenings (or the mornings) and although he says yes, it doesn't actually happen. I've told him that when we have more money (when I go back to work) I want us to take our OWN vacations. As of now, I feel like we're on someone else's vacation. I would rather stay home.

This year, DH did agree to my coming home from the beach by myself 2 days early. It was the only time I've spent 2 nights in a row away from DD, but it was pure heaven having the house to myself for 2 days.


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## LillianB

Holy moly, I am so happy to have found this group! DH and I are expecting our first baby at the end of the year and tonight he asked me if I think I'm going to be able to handle the social aspects of motherhood. His childhood was full of lots of kids and adults in big groups and mine was centered around my very close knit family.

I guess he's been stewing over this because he's getting flak from his friends who wonder why I don't come hang out with them. He says it's really awkward for him and thinks I will be forced to change once the baby is born. It's not that I'm unsympathetic, but -- really -- he had to know this about me when we got married. (Just like I knew about his tendency to natter on about nothing in particular when all I want is silence and yet I still married him!)

Now I'm worried that this is going to be a constant source of tension between us. I'm perfectly content with the way I am and don't see any reason to spend hours making small talk with people who will, at best, be acquaintances. Is motherhood really going to force the issue or do we just have a difference of opinion?

So, so glad I'm not the only one!


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## mystic~mama

hi mamas, I'm very introverted and shy as well.....I get really drained from social efforts......this includes work......which is a place where I have to practice all my skills or lack of







I've actually moved up at my workplace, the self managing part I love......sometimes having to make phone calls in the office (we all share) get's to me so I email when I can.....

my partner went to a concert/festival today which i had no interest in going to, this is something he loves to do and has been to hundreds of them....i've been to some with him and even went to a few by myself.....i've experienced some very strong anxiety and a few times I have experienced ecstatic bliss....that has been just a small portion of the time...

anyway, I was curious if anyone else has had similar feelings about concerts specifically?

glad to find you

m~m


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## Starflower

I can handle a symphony or jazz concert easier than a rock concert because the crowd is easier to deal with. I have been to a few concerts I really enjoyed, but it's always been people I really wanted to see and with my DH.

I find them easier than I used to but I still get nervous about them, the people/crowds, the noise, etc.

Do you have sensory issues as well? I find that some of these things can be very over-stimulating on many levels.

When we go to festivals (which is very rare that I go), my DH makes sure I always have enough to eat and also we make sure I can find a corner somewhere away from the crowds and the noise. This helps immensely, but I still need to have the next day or so to come down from it all.

I just did day one of the dance festival today, which is in the city so it's a big deal for me. We live on the edge of a large metro area kind of bordering the boonies. I do go into the city periodically, but only when I am feeling OK. If I feel frazzled or anything, I avoid it, especially if I have DD with me. Same with festivals. Today's wasn't too bad because I knew a few people, we were dancing and it wasn't overly crowded. (There is an annual music festival here that you can hardly walk through - I haven't been to that one for 8 years - I can't even imagine the people that go all 4 days.)

Unfortunately, I have missed out on a few things I really wanted to do because I was on the edge of an anxiety attack about going. I missed going to WOMAD and seeing Peter Gabriel because of that. I am still bummed about it.

I used to also have trouble with movie theaters and going to the theater. But I think that was more of an anxiety thing than an introvert thing. I have trouble when I can't be in a place I can get out easily.

I think if you want to enjoy concerts more, make sure you get seats rather than the floor, and get your seat on the aisle. Then you can get up if you need to escape for awhile or go to the restroom. Also, you'd only be sitting next to the person you came with so less chit-chat with strangers.


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## FallenofTrack

I went to the aquarium with my boyfriend and our daughter, last week, and that was an overwhelming experience for me. I was happy to get out of the apartment for the day, but there were so many kids there with camp counselors, and it was hard not bumping into any of the kids because the place was crowded. I felt really anxious but I did my best to hide it, because I didn't want to ruin my daughter's day out. But I was happy when we finally got out of there. I also have an issue with the way I look, so when I am around that many people, it causes anxiety.


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## myjo

I just did the MB personality test, several times. I came out INFJ (or possibly P), and my husband was a decided ESFP every time he took it. Two of the the least compatible types. It explains a lot. We just don't get each other at all, and we both have a hard time getting what we need out of the relationship. Sure wish we'd known all this years ago! But even so, we somehow make it work most of the time.

Basically, in high school he would have been one of the cute, extremely popular jocks with a whole harem of girls on his tail, and I would have been the nerdy artsy type who mostly keeps to herself except for a few close friends (which I was







)


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## LaFlaca1226

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LillianB* 
Holy moly, I am so happy to have found this group! DH and I are expecting our first baby at the end of the year and tonight he asked me if I think I'm going to be able to handle the social aspects of motherhood. His childhood was full of lots of kids and adults in big groups and mine was centered around my very close knit family.

I guess he's been stewing over this because he's getting flak from his friends who wonder why I don't come hang out with them. He says it's really awkward for him and thinks I will be forced to change once the baby is born. It's not that I'm unsympathetic, but -- really -- he had to know this about me when we got married. (Just like I knew about his tendency to natter on about nothing in particular when all I want is silence and yet I still married him!)

Now I'm worried that this is going to be a constant source of tension between us. I'm perfectly content with the way I am and don't see any reason to spend hours making small talk with people who will, at best, be acquaintances. Is motherhood really going to force the issue or do we just have a difference of opinion?

So, so glad I'm not the only one!

My situation was a little different because I moved to a new state one month before becoming a mama. I was leaving behind my few friends and was going to be a SAHM, and I was determined to make some new friends, despite my being so introverted. I made most of my friends through La Leche League, and I met one friend online at Diaperswappers.com - she lives less than a mile from me!

Anyway, while motherhood has definitely not made me stop being introverted, it has helped me make some friends. With other moms, you always have something to talk about. And gradually, a friendship that starts out just sharing thoughts and experiences of parenting can change into something where you share other ideas too. I still only have 3 good friends, and they aren't friends with each other, so I hang out with them one-on-one (with our kids), and it's perfect for me.

Also, with two of my friends, we've done a few family dinners together, so my extroverted DH can do a little socializing outside of his job. He LOVES getting to see other families, so he knows that what we experience as parents is not abnormal.

So, to answer your question, I don't think motherhood will make you an extrovert, but it might help you form a few good friendships, which can be so helpful when you're a new mom. You said DH wants you to come hang out with him and his friends. If his friends are also parents, your being a new mommy might help make these outings easier, since you can always "talk shop" with other parents. But if his friends aren't parents, I don't see how anything would change on that front.

Good luck, mama! It's so hard for these "outie" husbands to understand us "innie" wives sometimes.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
I went to the aquarium with my boyfriend and our daughter, last week, and that was an overwhelming experience for me. I was happy to get out of the apartment for the day, but there were so many kids there with camp counselors, and it was hard not bumping into any of the kids because the place was crowded. I felt really anxious but I did my best to hide it, because I didn't want to ruin my daughter's day out. But I was happy when we finally got out of there. I also have an issue with the way I look, so when I am around that many people, it causes anxiety.


This is why I avoid going to museums, the zoo and the aquarium, etc. on weekends. I usually send my DH with DD if it's a weekend. We homeschool, so during the school year it's a lot quieter during the week and I'll take her. Summer seems to be pretty busy all the time.

I just finished up the dance festival today. DD and DH stayed home today because DD had had too much festival already. I've warned DD that tomorrow will be a quiet, stay-at-home kind of day. She's been asking to go to the science center for two weeks now. I need to re-up our membership, but I've been putting her off because we've been doing so many "big" things this month. I really need some down time in between events. The older she gets, the more she seems to be the same way.


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## mystic~mama

I'm wondering if maybe I just don't like concerts because of the sensory overload and it feeling like too much...feels like a relief to deceide / realize I don't have to feel bad about not going....


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## agreenbough

I'm having a BIG problem with "family visiting" during what's suppossed to be vacation. We're taking our usual summer trip to the in-laws for a week, but my husband is going a couple hundred miles beyond that to a sporting event and is leaving me alone with his parents for the whole week. We're having some family tension right now because they've visited us so often and stayed so long that I finally just about had a breakdown. So I'm incredibly uncomfortable having to stay with them. If my daughter didn't want to go, I'd stay home. I don't want to deprive her of the trip since she wants to go, but I'd rather chew foil than go. I'm so stressed already that I'm a nervous wreck, and we aren't even going for another two weeks! They're all extreme extroverts and think spending time alone is a sign you're mad, depressed, or mentally unstable. (By the time the trip is over, I may be all three!!!)


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## Mother Cake

agreenbough that sounds really tough. Do you have any options? Is your daughter old enough to spend the week with her grandparents without you? Could your DH drop her off and then go on to his event while you have a week off? Can you afford a hotel room, even for a few nights? One night?

I know that this is really hard to internalize, but your need to be alone is more important than what they think that need means about you. I'd encourage you to find a way to take care of yourself.

I'm dealing with similar issues, my in-laws are much more extroverted than me. I'm not in your shoes, but I do empathize.


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## FallenofTrack

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mother Cake* 
agreenbough that sounds really tough. Do you have any options? Is your daughter old enough to spend the week with her grandparents without you? Could your DH drop her off and then go on to his event while you have a week off? Can you afford a hotel room, even for a few nights? One night?

I know that this is really hard to internalize, but your need to be alone is more important than what they think that need means about you. I'd encourage you to find a way to take care of yourself.

I'm dealing with similar issues, my in-laws are much more extroverted than me. I'm not in your shoes, but I do empathize.


This seems like good advice. If the in-laws don't mind your daughter staying for a week with them, without either parent being there, then it would definitely be a great opportunity to get some alone time. I couldn't imagine being around a bunch of extreme extroverts for a week. Thank goodness, my boyfriend and I are both introverts with similar needs. We do the occasional family get together, but we mostly stay by ourselves, and don't have external pressure put upon us.


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## Sustainer

Can you and dd stay there for just 2 or 3 days maybe? Does dh have a way to get home without you?


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## agreenbough

I won't even have a car while he's away, if I want to go anywhere I have to borrow one from my in-laws. (They live 600 miles from us, so I couldn't really go home even if I had my own car.) We always take our dog with us, so that, coupled with the fact that the nearest hotel is 20 miles away, and that my in-laws would be terribly offended if I stayed in a hotel, and I'm just up the creek. I think part of my problem is that we hardly ever go on a vacation that doesn't involve a trip to their house, and I'm just tired of it. It's been going on for over 20 years. I don't consider my husband to be a momma's boy, but his mother does seem to have some kind of power over her kids - they all spend most of their vacations at the "family homestead".
I guess I just have to work on my attitude and try to be tough. I never sleep well at their house. They don't have air conditioning and they have one of those old houses with thin walls, so you can hear everything.
I actually have relatives in the same area, but they don't socialize with my in-laws (and I can't stay with them - no room). The idea of sending my daughter and me staying home is good, except that she wants to spend time with my relatives, too, and that won't happen unless I'm there. And borrow a car.
I'm not usually not a tit-for-tat kind of person, but my husband is going to owe me after this one!!!


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## Sustainer

Maybe you can spend a lot of the time with your own relatives, even if you can't sleep there.

If it were me I think I'd discuss with dh how the visits with the in-laws make me feel, and suggest that such visits become less frequent.


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## ArcticRose

Oh no! I can't believe I finished reading this thread. I've been reading a post or two (or ten) whenever I have time to sit at the computer. It's been my "treat" for myself for a couple of months... and now there is nothing left but for me to add my own post, lol.

When I found this thread I didn't even really know what it meant to be an introvert. I had this vague notion of hermits and unabombers.







The more I read the more I could see myself. Eventually I took a couple of the online tests and found that I am 100% Introvert! All these strange habits of mine are actually just part of being an introvert. It's ok that I prefer books to crowds!

When I read the first post that mentioned hating the phone, I almost cried. And then one after another of you agreed that the phone is an evil necessity. I couldn't believe it! I have always hated talking on the phone. My hubby is the only other person I know who hates the phone as much as I do. (even more so, actually) No one else has ever understood why I have such a hard time making phone calls.

I grew up in a family of six. We lived in a two bedroom house, so I quickly learned how to create a bubble for myself. I can completely tune out my surroundings and focus on a book or the tv or whatever I happen to be doing. This ability earned me the label of "spacey" because someone could call my name several times without me hearing them.







I'm not spacey, I just had to learn how to ignore everything around me in order to keep my sanity!

I am very fortunate in that my husband is also an introvert. _I_ have to talk _him_ into doing social activities, lol. Now we have a daughter. She is 19 months and I feel like I need to find her some kids her own age to play with, but we don't know anyone in our area. It's very rural and the only playgroups/toddler socializing in the area is with the local church group. This is out of the question for reasons I won't get into here. So I have been trying to meet some mom's in the area. I've actually talked to a couple and gotten their numbers, (hubby teased me about "picking up" women at the grocery store, lol) but I haven't worked up the nerve to call them yet. *sigh*

Our current dream is to buy a sail boat and live aboard full time. Introvert paradise! We plan to homeschool DD and travel where ever our hearts take us. My hubby is a disabled vet, we live on his disability income, so there isn't anything holding us in one place. I think the biggest draw to that lifestyle for DH is the fact that we wouldn't have to spend so much time visiting relatives.









Speaking of visiting relatives... we have a week long trip planned for the beginning of next month to go visit a bunch of extrovert relatives. These trips leave us both exhausted for a week or two after we get home. I'm always torn because I love to see my family, but I hate going too. The whole family feels like we all have to be doing something every minute of every day. If either of us spends any time alone, everyone asks the other "what's wrong?" At least now we have our DD as a distraction for them.







So far she loves the attention.

I am really hoping she becomes as introverted as her parents. I'll figure out a way to keep her social if she turns out extroverted... but it will be much easier if she's an introvert.

I don't want this to get any longer, so I'll end this here. Thank you all so much for helping me see that I'm not a freak and that it's ok to be me!!


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## FallenofTrack

I'm at the point, as well, where I need to find some playgroups or some weekly activities so that my daughter can start socializing with other kids her age. My daughter is 2 1/2, and she is very outgoing and seems to be extroverted. I am a homebody who feels nervous in social situations, in addition to being introverted. But I want to get my daughters needs met, and that is going to take stepping outside of my comfort zone. This morning, she and I went to the local library for a toddler activity that the library does a couple of times a month. This was our first time doing one of the activities. It started off with the kids being able to play with toys and then there were songs and stories. My daughter was a handful. She could barely sit still in order to participate. And the whole time, I felt anxious because there were a lot of people there. I had to talok myself into staying there for the whole thing, because of my anxiety and also the fact that she wouldn't sit still.

I was also thinking about homeschooling my daughter or having her attend online school, but I don't think that that would be a good match for her personality. I really don't want her to attend a "brick and mortar" school, but I don't know if I'd be able to handle her, at home every day, so maybe sending her to school, would be the better option.


----------



## ThirdEyeMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *myjo* 
I just did the MB personality test, several times. I came out INFJ (or possibly P), and my husband was a decided ESFP every time he took it. Two of the the least compatible types. It explains a lot. We just don't get each other at all, and we both have a hard time getting what we need out of the relationship. ...

For all innies here, I'd like to recommend _Gifts Differing / Understanding Personality Type_ by Isabel Briggs Myers and her son. This book will give you a whole lot of insight to managing differences and how differences attract. After all, we all get to the same place via different routes! For parents, there is a quite a bit on children and their type developement.

I was so glad to learn my type. I found that I am one of the less populated of the types (INTP), but that I have been myself all along! Understanding your type means that you can draw on your less preferred side and thereby bring a balance to those areas that seem uncomforable!


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## Starflower

Thanks, ThirdEyeMom. This sounds like I book I would enjoy.


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## *Dawn*

I'm not a mom yet, (well, unless you count my furbabies) so I hope it's okay to post here.

I must say, I did not expect that clicking on this thread would lead to a self discovery process. As I'm reading through the pages and pages of your posts, I find myself wanting to quote almost every single post and say, "Yes, that's me!"

I always just though I was different, or antisocial. I just considered myself to not be a people-person.

I am an only child and my mother (who was a single parent) is and always has been very introverted. I've taken the Myers-Briggs test twice, and got INFJ once and INTJ once. 100% introverted both times. I'm still not 100% sure what that means, other than I now have a label for my non people-person-ality.

I hate hate hate the phone. DH can't understand this and I'm always asking him to make the calls for everything. (appointments, calling family back, etc.) It drives him nuts that I can't "Just make a simple phone call" I dread it like the plague.

All my life I've been a bit of a loner, choosing solitary sports (horseback riding and snowboarding) to group sports. I love animals, because I don't have to talk to them for them to understand me.

Even now, I work out of my home with dogs (grooming and boarding) so that I don't have to be in the 'real world' dealing with people. My human interaction is minimal. Mostly people dropping off their dogs and the only talk is related to thier dog for about 2-3 minutes. That I can handle. It's the chatty clients who want to sit and chat for an hour about nothing of importance that drive me batty.

And I'm terrible about answeing the phone and it takes me all day to work up the courage to call people back when they do leave messages. I knowingly (willingly) lose a lot of business simply because I can't make myself talk to people.

DH is constantly asking me "What's wrong" and when I get a confused look on my face, he says "You're not talking. What's wrong?" I wish he could understand (and I tell him this every.single.time) that just because I'm not talking, doesn't mean something is wrong. I just don't like to talk all the time. I love quiet.


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## Starflower

Welcome, *Dawn*

Have you read any of the introvert books listed on the thread? I've found them to be helpful in trying to explain how things work for me when talking to people who don't get it. And it's nice to be validated. (Another reason I love this thread.)

Regarding your business: Have you a way to arrange appointments for your business via email? This could eliminate some of the phone calls but still give you business. I make appointments or appointment requests via email when it's available. Example: I made an appointment for DD to go to a drop in child care place last week. I clicked on their request page and filled in my info. Not too long after that I got an email confirmation. It worked really well.

Maybe something like this could work for you.


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## *Dawn*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 







Welcome, *Dawn*

Have you read any of the introvert books listed on the thread? I've found them to be helpful in trying to explain how things work for me when talking to people who don't get it. And it's nice to be validated. (Another reason I love this thread.)

Regarding your business: Have you a way to arrange appointments for your business via email? This could eliminate some of the phone calls but still give you business. I make appointments or appointment requests via email when it's available. Example: I made an appointment for DD to go to a drop in child care place last week. I clicked on their request page and filled in my info. Not too long after that I got an email confirmation. It worked really well.

Maybe something like this could work for you.

I am planning on checking out my library and seeing if they have those books. DH and I share a car since I work from home and really don't need my own car, and he usually has the car during the hours the library is open. He is off work next Tuesday though, so I'm going to head to the library then. I am excited to read the recommended books.









I do offer online scheduling, and very much prefer it. Unfortunately, the majority of people still prefer communication over the phone.


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## ThirdEyeMom

Hello, Starflower and Dawn!
Great reply, Starflower! It is true that many innies do not like to talk on the phone and from this thread it is about many of us who really do not like small talk. Although we can get to know ourselves better by understanding our "type", we can get to know others from their type--I consider this a blessing. It is worth understanding all the 16 types.

What it also means is not use type as a reason (excuse) for not doing things. I received formal training in type and this is one of the things we learned about how not to use type. We also learned--and I think this is important--type doesn't explain everything about why we do things. It is about understanding ourselves and others, drawing on our least preferred sides for balance and arrive at the same place. In the case of the telephone, as an example, management of a business or making business or health related appointments has a higher importance for other successes than just a dislike for talking on the phone. The book I mentioned above would be a good read since it is straightforward and concise and the author devised the MBTI test (based on the works of C. G. Jung).


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## FallenofTrack

I just had a bad experience making phone calls, today. I was calling different child care centers and preschools, to do research about what they offer, before I decide which one I want my daughter to attend. To be frank, it was a pain in the arse calling these places. And by calling them, I realized just how bad customer service can be. These peple do not know how to properly answer a phone call or how to give information to people who are requesting it. On one phone call, I asked the person about the part-time and full time options and the hours for each option. I barely got any answers when talking to her. I have one child, so I haven't dealt with all of this before, and instead of giving me a run down on what's available, I felt like they were making it harder for me to get the info. Just a real pain to deal with. I don't like talking on the phone in the first place, so this was a bad experience for me.


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## Starflower

ThirdEyeMom - I've read other MBTI books and I was excited to see that the author of Gifts Differing was actually by one of the people who devised the tests. I've always been very interested in psychology so I read a lot of stuff like this. I'm excited to get this one at the library when it comes in; I have it on reserve.

FallenofTrack - sorry you had lousy phone calls today. I have worked in customer service in the past in several capacities so I am pretty picky about getting service. Hopefully everyone was just having a rough time getting back into their grooves after a long weekend. Did you get enough info to make any decisions?

*Dawn* - Glad you'll be able to make it to the library soon. Have you ever offered a discount to people for using your online reservation service? Maybe if they could save a few bucks it would help persuade them to use it over the phone.

******

I actually just had a really great phone conversation with my insurance agency. I had to call because I am trying to pay my mortgage online and it's not letting me because it says my insurance is going to expire. Hopefully I'll get a call back tomorrow from the insurance people saying all is fixed with the bank (I pay ins through escrow) and I won't have to bother calling the bank. The ins reps are local and nice. I hate calling the big corporate bank that bought our mortgage.

Yesterday we spent 5-1/2 hours at the fair. Most of which was in the pouring rain. DD had fun. I had enough fair after about an hour. Of course now the sun is out. And we're taking DD out to buy rain gear for her outdoor homeschool program. But I have back-up because DH took the day off. Phew!


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## [email protected]

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Whew I just survived another play date at my house! But it definitely is draining for me.
Any other mamas out there that fit the description above?

I DETEST playdates. But in an urban area, sometimes they are the only way for kids to socialize. We tried living in "cohousing" for a while to get away from the playdate model, and our son could run outside & play freely w/ lots of kids. It was wonderful. Now we live in a neighborhood w/ a few kids across the street, and I'm loving it. This is how my generation grew up, and I think it's highly beneficial for kids to play "in the wild" w/out constant parental supervision & artificial structure. Kids just being kids outside in the yard.


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## FallenofTrack

@Starflower. Thanks for the understanding about customer service. I did some more research online about the types of questions to ask when inquiring about what the schools offer. So that helped me to be a bit more confident when making phone calls and going on the tours. I made a call this morning, to a preschool, about setting up a tour, and the lady I spoke to was helpful. I am due to go over there, in the evening, today, to check the place out.


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## cookfan56

Hey everyone! I can't tell you how happy I was to find this thread here. I have been on internet boards for years, yet this is one of the first times I've ever felt "home" in being with others like me. I am a very strong INFJ. I've also had social anxiety in the past, but currently, even without that, I hate going to social functions. I have one child at home, 5th grade, and she is an extrovert. It sucks! My husband is very strong EFTP (talk about opposites) and doesn't understand my not wanting to go to parties, crowded places, having people over, making phone calls, etc. Finally I understand all the reasons. Even in the evenings, I prefer reading/watching tv to going outside or being more social with other people. I realize I have appeared to be a totally snobby bitch in most of the neighborhoods I've lived in. I'm trying really hard to be different in this one, but it's really hard.


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## treehugz

Just came across this great article, Revenge of the Introvert:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...-the-introvert

I haven't posted here in a while... just been too socially over-stimulated otherwise. Still lurking of course though.


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## crabbyowl

That's a great article!

We just moved to a new state so DH can go to grad school. In theory I want to get out there and meet some new people, but in practice I'm perfectly happy keeping to myself.

Also: I HATE hearing that the best way for me to get into a good career and PhD program eventually (in a few years) is through networking. That word is evil. If I never hear that word again I'd be the happiest person on earth. I find the whole idea of only getting to know people because of what they can do for me repellent. I feel like I'd just be using them. Not to mention the fact that as an introvert, the very idea of having a whole network of people to keep in touch with and keep updated on my life sounds exhausting!


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## ThirdEyeMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cookfan56* 
... I'm trying really hard to be different in this one, but it's really hard.

Welcome, *cookfan56*! I found socializing painful, then I started watching extroverts to come out of my shell (it is cozy in here. LOL). I then tried modeling some behaviors and adapting what felt comfortable to me until I didn't have to think about it. People think I am sociable and I can speak well in front of people, but I like my shell, darn it!

Loved the _Psychology Today_ article! It fits!


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## Starflower

Good article. I'm pretty sure that was by the same woman who wrote "Introvert Power."

Edited to add: I have come to this thread (and many others lately) and then written and deleted posts.









I just had lunch with an extroverted (not super X but enough) and she hit me with a barrage of questions. Eventually I actually told her "enough - now it's your turn and asked her what was going on in general. She talked a lot about everything. Then later she got irritated by something I said which I could not explain very well and she took the wrong way. Argh!

I hadn't seen her in weeks and by the time I got home, I felt wrung out. I sensed I should have ended our time together earlier but I did not. I think if I am not seeing her regularly, I will have to be a bit more guarded and/or keep our time together shorter.


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## Whocares

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cookfan56* 
Hey everyone! I can't tell you how happy I was to find this thread here. I have been on internet boards for years, yet this is one of the first times I've ever felt "home" in being with others like me. I am a very strong INFJ. I've also had social anxiety in the past, but currently, even without that, I hate going to social functions. I have one child at home, 5th grade, and she is an extrovert. It sucks! My husband is very strong EFTP (talk about opposites) and doesn't understand my not wanting to go to parties, crowded places, having people over, making phone calls, etc. Finally I understand all the reasons. Even in the evenings, I prefer reading/watching tv to going outside or being more social with other people. I realize I have appeared to be a totally snobby bitch in most of the neighborhoods I've lived in. I'm trying really hard to be different in this one, but it's really hard.

Are you me?Just switch husband to in-laws and you got my situation.We have a large backyard perfect for get togethers and we almost never have them.That doesn't stop my husbands family from asking can they host holidays,parties,and BBQ'S at our home.I am trying hard to host more but it really drains my energy.I am not as bad as I used to be but certain things I am having trouble changing.For instance I am convinced the families on my sons football team hate me because I almost never talk to them except for a quick hello.I am dreading my daughter joining soccer next year.


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## Starflower

welcome, cookfan and Whocares

------------------------------------------------


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## Starflower

I'd written some other stuff but deleted because it was kind of personal. After I think about it awhile maybe I'll bring it back up.


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## carmel23

I'm an introvert to extroverted kids. It is kind of weird, but I love it. They make me go outside myself and really challenge me to do things I wouldn't otherwise do.


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## Punchy Kaby

I am so pleased to find this tribe! I look forward to reading some of the suggested articles and have already had many 'ah-ha' moments reading posts.

I just got through the worst month of the whole year: 3 weeks of travel with work, with shared hotel rooms. Enough to drive anyone crazy, enough to almost drive an introvert over the deep end. I am now in recovery.

I took a personality test, results are INTJ. The description sounds pretty accurate!


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## CinderSnoop

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehugz* 
Just came across this great article, Revenge of the Introvert:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...-the-introvert

Thanks for sharing this article. I was at a party recently with about 35 people. Being someone who still struggles with shyness, I couldn't figure out how much of me just didnt want to participate with the big group and how much of it was just my shyness holding me back.


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## mich

Hi everyone, I have been reading and enjoying, planning to post then struggling and in the end not posting.

But today I am curious because I am starting to think (worry) about my 11yo's behavior. Is he an introvert? Highly sensitive? Anxious? Phobias? I have a hard enough time figuring out my our personality. Do any of you worry that it may be more that just being an introvert?

Not that I would do anything different if it were. It's not bad enough for medication. But I want to do what's best as a mom, and I think that starts with understanding the reality of his (and my) behaviors.


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## Sustainer

Thank you for posting, mich! Somewhere back in the thread somewhere there's a link to a quiz to see if you're highly sensitive. My kids and I are all introverted *and* highly sensitive.

I saw the Introvert Advantage when I was in the library so I grabbed it. Last night I read the part about how introverts don't feel we know enough about a subject unless we know *everything* about it. That is *so* me!


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## goldenwillow

How are all the introverts doing? Fall is here!


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer* 
I saw the Introvert Advantage when I was in the library so I grabbed it. Last night I read the part about how introverts don't feel we know enough about a subject unless we know *everything* about it. That is *so* me!

I really related to this part too!

Hi, Xantho! Since you asked..... I'm doing OK right now. Trying to make sure I get breaks which seems to help, but isn't always easy. DD has some issues we are working on (anxiety/depression) so life has been very intense around here lately. She's always been intense (me too) but lately it's become much more so.

I am making sure to do some of my own activities. I am socializing somewhat but it's hard for me to find people I actually want to spend much time with. I've also decided that a couple friends of mine need to be in smaller doses, perhaps more frequently, because the long chat sessions just do me in, even though I love them.

I actually really enjoy fall. It was sunny here yesterday and we were at the park. I love the contrast of the dry, crunchy orange leaves against the moist green grass.

And I am also feeling a little bit nervous because I agreed to a belly dance performance in a month. It's all improv and to a live band at a restaurant/bar, which is very energizing and fun, but it's been a very long time since I've done this type of thing. And I used to be the only belly dancer around in my previous locations but here there are many so I find that I am comparing myself to others way too much. This is not a new trait. I've also been prone to comparisons in art, when really, I'd prefer to just enjoy the other artists and not make comparisons. It's just hard for me to do. I don't really think this is an introvert thing, just one of my hang-ups.


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## LaFlaca1226

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xantho* 
How are all the introverts doing? Fall is here!

I'm doing great today! My in-laws took my 3yo dd for the day (as they do every Wednesday), so it's just me and my 10 wk old baby girl. Getting lots done around the house and enjoying the peace and quiet SO much.

DH and I have decided that 2 daughters is enough for us, so he's going to have a vasectomy (theoretically... he hasn't made an appointment yet). I feel so overwhelmed when I spend time with both our kids and my husband all at once, I can't imagine adding a third child to the mix. I thrive on time alone or with just one other person, and the more we add to our family, the less time I will have like that.

Family Dinner at the in-laws' tonight. It's just my kids, my husband, his wonderful parents, and I, but it's always so exhausting. I love my family, but I can only stand it for a few hours. I bring my knitting with me because it helps to keep me centered while I deal with the demands of constant conversation.


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## FallenofTrack

I'm doing ok. I became employed at a new job, last week, so I have been waking up early in the morning, at around 5:30 am, so I can get ready and be at work by 6:30am. I'm not much of an early morning person, but I wanted an early morning position, because that is the only time, for now, that I can work. It's a part-time position, and the shifts are short. It works out perfectly, because my boyfriend works long hours during the week and I have to be home by shortly after 11:00 am, so that I can take over looking after our daughter, as he leaves for work. I hadn't worked outside of the home, in a couple of years because of issues with depression, so I'm happy to be out of the home, again, if even for a short while, and to be able to see different faces and have a conversation once in a while. I also like the fact that for the most part, I work on my own, during my shift, so there is less of a chance for me to become annoyed by constantly having to be around other people who feel that it is ok to invade my space and impose conversation on me, when I'm not in the mood. I've had that issue on a former job, and I really didn't like being imposed upon by people. At this job, I'm able to do my work and have my thoughts as a companion. Also, the coworkers I have spoken too seem pretty easy to get along with. So, so far, so good.

The only thing I haven't liked, is that I have been learning the little details of the job, on the fly, instead of having various things explained in advance. I realize that not every potential issue on a job, can be explained in advance, however, as an introvert, I like it when I have a more thorough understanding of some of the potential problems that may arise when I am doing my tasks, instead of having to run around and asking people questions when there is an issue, and therefore wasting my time and their time. I actually helped to train a new coworker, yesterday, and one of the things that I made sure to do was to tell him certain things in adance of him actually carrying out the tasks, so therefore he would have some idea of how to handle things.


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## goldenwillow

Glad to hear all is going well with everyone. I am preparing for our wedding on the 23rd and am getting really excited. Everything seems to be falling into place and I couldn't be happier.

Starflower, I have always wanted to take up belly dancing. There is a class nearby and I plan to take it soon. I just love the art. Funny, before I had DS, I thought it was really risque. Interesting how you change with having a child, love it. I feel so much more free than I ever have before.


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## Starflower

Xantho - Congrats on your upcoming wedding!









I have never thought of belly dancing as very risque, but I could see how some could. Actually I feel more self-conscious after having DD than before. But I'm working on it! Belly dance is a totally fun art form and is more aerobic than people think. You'll be amazed at some of the muscle groups you never knew you had once you start.

-------------------------------------------------

I am tired of feeling nervous about talking and interacting in groups of people (small even) and then after I finally attend a social event and open up just a bit, I always feel like I somehow said too much or misspoke something. Does this ever get any easier? I wonder sometimes if I have this going on on more than one level, besides the introversion. Sigh.


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## evelynz8735

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBinSATX* 
Hello Bababa!










Hello !
I am also a new member. Would a newcomer be warmly welcome here? Good day you guy !

__________________
watch free movies online


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## mich

Hello everyone!

Starflower, I'm so impressed you can perform in front of a group! I wanted to take a belly dancing class and was too shy. I did buy a dvd and wow, what a work out!

I was out with friends last week and I had one of those nights where I talked a lot and later thought "why did I say all that???" For me most of the time I can talk and chat, but speak consciously, and not have regrets later. I think it is one of those things that gets better with practice and confidence. If you can do a belly dance performance, you can do chit chat!









Xantho, congrats on your up coming wedding!

Fallenofthack Starting a new job is hard, congratulations. I am curious, you mentioned depression, are you doing something to overcome it, or is it just lessening? I have been struggling with it this year and have recently started extra vitamins.

LaFlace, my dh had a vas after we had 2 children also. I felt the same as you mentioned. They are much older now and I still think it was the right decision for us. I do sometimes crave another baby and probably always will, but I am very happy with our small family!

Also knitting is my favorite coping tool at family functions! When the boys were younger watching them was helpful in keeping me busy. Now I just seem to sit by myself and feel awkward. I love knitting, someone can speak to me if they want, but I don't appear to be just sitting alone if I am busy with a hobby. I still feel a little weird when I first take it out. People will ask questions, or funny looks, but then I can just relax and knit.

Sustainer, thank you for your post. The funny thing is, I think I posted the quiz a while back! I am very HSP and do see that possibility in my son. Part of me wants to diagnose, create a label. But what I should do is just relax and accept him as he is, stop worrying about identifying his personality. He's still a kid, and will grow and change in time.

Thanks to everyone who keeps this thread alive and running. It is a wonderful safe place to visit, read, and post.


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## FallenofTrack

@mich, Hi. Sorry to hear that you are experiencing depression. I have been struggling with depression for the past four years. At this point, it's not as severe as it was even just a year ago. This is the reason why I decided to start working again. Also, I went to a mental health clinic today, to talk to a counselor and also to see if I could get prescribed some medication, because I don't want to slip back into severe depression to the point where I feel like I don't have the energy to work or be productive. So hopefully, all goes well with that.


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## aidenn

My husband is the ambassador for the family. My daughter stays with MIL during the day so playdates aren't an issue for me, but my husband is social and has friends that expect us to come over with the kids and play while we all hang out. I loathe the idea.

It's not that they aren't great people or great friends, I just find so much more fulfillment from working on art or cooking. I can spend time with my immediate family for most of the day, but if anyone else gets thrown in the mix, my tolerance level goes way down.


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## ThirdEyeMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FallenofTrack* 
I'm doing ok. I became employed at a new job, last week, so I have been waking up early in the morning, at around 5:30 am, so I can get ready and be at work by 6:30am. ... So, so far, so good. ...

I really like your post. I'm not crazy about jobs where I have to interact a LOT! Being the thinking type, I need that quiet time to work out details. I'm not crazy about large groups either, yet I've learned the importance of meetings where synergy works to make to better decisions. I've also learned to voice my opinions (calling on my extrovert side of being an introvert) in those decision making meetings.

Glad to hear about the therapy session. Talk therapy works better than being medicated, 'tho sometimes it is needed in the beginning sometimes to get over the hump of what is depressing an individual.

If more people helped their co-workers in the way you describe, work would be a more pleasant place. I, too, take the time to provide info to help others.
Wishing you the best!


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## mich

Halloween Party tonight, the invitation says come in costume.









Tomorrow 200 kids and adults will be knocking on my door looking for candy.

Need I say more?

I'm just waiting to Monday, everything will be better on Monday.


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## Starflower

I've always preferred going in costume - then I can be whomever I want to be at the party or hide behind my costume.

I can relate to you about the trick-or-treaters. I usually ask DH to answer the door. The dogs always go bonkers with the doorbell ringing all night. I'd consider just skipping it all together but DD would be really bummed out.

We're trying to figure out what to do during our trick or treating in the neighborhood. Last year, about 9 p.m. I just stuck the candy bowl out front with a sign on it. I'm considering doing it for tonight while we're gone, but DD is concerned someone will be greedy.

Last year when we were trick or treating, we went to a couple of houses with candy out in a bowl on the porch with a sign asking to limit to one or two. Depending on your neighborhood, this may be an option for you so you don't have to answer the door?

Good luck tonight!

I am home instead of at a kids museum for Halloween festivities. I decided it was just too much to meet our friends there and sent DD and DH instead. After they're done at the museum, they'll all come here and I'll have dinner ready for them instead of all of us coming home at the same time and me going into cooking mode. I just realized this morning, that I was already way to grumpy and needed some time. Luckily it worked out.

I got DD's face painted and she looks awesome. She was very pleased with her costume - which is great, because she is a complete perfectionist and sooo picky! Last night we did pumpkins, just the 3 of us.

Tomorrow? I have no plans for tomorrow. Probably just recovery.


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## MayasMama88

So I obviously didn't read all 11 pages of posts for this particular thread, but thank GOD I found it! I was seriously just thinking about how I'd really love to make some new friends who are mamas and can relate to things that are happening in my life at the moment, but I don't know how. I'm very introverted, and it's hard for me to be social because of it, but I feel like I _need_ to be social if I want my daughter to build good solid relationships and people skills as she grows up. I feel awkward in social situations where I don't know people well (or at all), and I'm just wondering how some of you deal with it? I could go on, as I do love to talk (probably because I don't really get to talk with someone besides my husband and my 1 year old) very often, but I won't start rambling just yet.


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## MayasMama88

Pardon me... there are *37* pages, not 11!!!!! Glad to know I'm not alone!


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## Sustainer

Welcome and happy anniversary! I guess the way I deal with social situations is to avoid them a lot of the time, and then, when I do have to be in a social situation, I just sort of accept the fact that I'm awkward and tell myself that there's nothing really wrong with being awkward.


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## Starflower

MayasMama88 Glad you found us!


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## mich

Thanks Starflower, tonight actually went very well. DH gave out the candy and I went out with the kids. All I had to do was walk around and stand on the sidewalk as they trick or treated. But I'm happy it's over. Now quiet time till Thanksgiving.

Welcome Mayasmama, One thing I thought as I read your post was that kids really do come with their own personalitys. I have one shy and introvert, one extrovert and always wanting to be on the go. We moms just do the best we can, and that really is ok. Now that my extrovert is older he is getting to do more things with dad or get dropped of with friends and it is easier for all of us.

Do I worry that my introvert ways stunted any of their development? No, I don't. We did lots of stuff. Not nearly as much as some of my friends did, but enough for my family.


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## MayasMama88

Thanks, mamas! I'm so glad there are like-minded people to share in my over-analyzed insecurities, lol! I've always kind of thought that being introverted was a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing because I just don't really enjoy being around big groups of people, or out in noisy crowded areas. I already feel better knowing that there are so many other introverts out there who know it's okay to be more comfortable in an intimate setting, focusing on oneself, or just a few people at a time. I love my family, and I'm so grateful I've gotten to stay at home with them every since Maya was born, and I think I really prefer it that way.


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## Starflower

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayasMama88* 
Thanks, mamas! I'm so glad there are like-minded people to share in my over-analyzed insecurities, lol! *I've always kind of thought that being introverted was a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing because I just don't really enjoy being around big groups of people, or out in noisy crowded areas.* I already feel better knowing that there are so many other introverts out there who know it's okay to be more comfortable in an intimate setting, focusing on oneself, or just a few people at a time. I love my family, and I'm so grateful I've gotten to stay at home with them every since Maya was born, and I think I really prefer it that way.










Bolded mine.

You might want to read either "Introvert Power" or "The Introvert Advantage." Both books are very affirming.


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## Starflower

I am getting nervous about performing tomorrow. It's not necessarily an introvert thing, though. Just a nervous about doing complete improvisation to music by a band I've never heard before. Nothing quite like going in completely cold. Ack!

The good news is that I got my latest costume piece done. Although another piece broke so I have to get new elastic and fix it.

I was going to do a lot of errand, dance practice and costuming yesterday while DD was at her wilderness class all day long. Unfortunately, DD's issues got in the way and she didn't make it to class so my day ended up being completely rerouted. So much for my alone time this week. We have a meeting with the staff on Monday to see if we can get things to work out for DD at this program. When she goes, she has so much fun and I get a 5 hour break! We all really want it to work out for her. If she ends up not doing this program, I am going to have to find another way to get some time to myself during the week.

We wake up at the same time, we go to bed with her (she has extreme anxiety) and we homeschool. I love DD so much but sometimes I just need some time off!

Gotta help DD with something. Hope everyone has a great weekend!


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## mich

Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure you will do great!


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## Starflower

Thanks!

I survived belly dancing last night to live music I had never heard before by a band I'd never heard before. And I did OK. I felt very out of sorts for the first two songs. I felt good about the second two songs. The drum solo was a lot of fun! In the long view of the evening, things went pretty well. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen for a long time, and I met some new folks. I wasn't worried about the social stuff because I was so focused on the performance part of things. My new costume worked out well and looked good. And I finally got to see my instructor perform which was wonderful. Now I am just hoping she thought I did well enough to ask me to do it again!


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## Punchy Kaby

STarflower-congrats on your performance! Sounds like you had a positive performance.

I have been giving myself more time for reflection and am grateful to have a positive outlook on being an introvert. All my life I have felt a stigma attached to being quiet. I am quiet because I like to listen to what is going on around me, I love observing. When I talk I want to say something meaningful and if I talk a lot I feel like I am spewing a trashy novel.

I have completely changed my attitude at work. Most people try to be buddy-buddy and I tried to do it for several years, but I was very unhappy. I was emotional in a place where emotions are not highly regarded. So now I am being professional, doing my preparations at home as best as I can and when I go in I get my work done with a positive attitude. People at work bond over complaining and I have removed myself from it, when I hear sarcasm I walk away. I still complain in my head, but I don't open my mouth and the negative thoughts leave faster when I don't dwell on them. One strange thing I feel at work is that people project their emotions onto me (or onto each other.) For example, DD slept poorly when she was young and people would come up to me with pity all over their face and say,"you must be exhausted! I'm so sorry." It made me feel pitiful and boxed in to their description of me.

I know that I have alienated some friends, and eventually I would like to reconnect with some of them, but I'm not sure how to do it in a healthy way for me.


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## mich

Good for you, finding a way to be yourself in a work environment can be hard. I have had too much of certain people in the past and distanced myself. But after a time, when we would run into each other I could find a better way to interact with them. I bet you will be able to find a new way to be with them. One that is good for you, and kind to them also.

Starflower, thanks for the update. Glad to hear it went well!


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## Starflower

I don't know if I'll ever get used to feeling awkward in some conversations. I guess maybe it's progress if I don't second guess myself multiples times and try to redo the conversation in my head. This time I was able to just leave it at "well, that was somewhat awkward" and not judge myself further.

I hope all the introverts here who celebrate the American Thanksgiving are making it through OK. We are on our own, so I am just cooking game hens. Some other introverted friends are coming over later for dessert and the kids will play. We would've gone to a potluck with other friends that is usually pretty fun and low-key (and has wine) but they didn't have anyone else coming under age 14. Last year, DD was bored and felt left out. So we're just gonna keep it simple at home.

And I am preparing to go visit my family of origin in December, but not over actual Christmas. I'm actually relieved about being home for the holiday itself and for new year's. I have told my mom that I am visiting some friends and not many relatives. I also don't want to drive anywhere. We went out there this summer briefly and drove all over the place. It was exhausting. When I don't get my downtime and then have to go to social events, I end up sounding really stupid or really crabby or boring. Or all of the above. Trying to do this more on my terms. Of course it will be easier since DH's parents are going to be out of the country.


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## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mich*
> 
> Hello everyone!
> 
> Starflower, I'm so impressed you can perform in front of a group! I wanted to take a belly dancing class and was too shy. I did buy a dvd and wow, what a work out!
> 
> I was out with friends last week and I had one of those nights where I talked a lot and later thought "why did I say all that???" For me most of the time I can talk and chat, but speak consciously, and not have regrets later. I think it is one of those things that gets better with practice and confidence. If you can do a belly dance performance, you can do chit chat!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Xantho, congrats on your up coming wedding!
> 
> Fallenofthack Starting a new job is hard, congratulations. I am curious, you mentioned depression, are you doing something to overcome it, or is it just lessening? I have been struggling with it this year and have recently started extra vitamins.
> 
> LaFlace, my dh had a vas after we had 2 children also. I felt the same as you mentioned. They are much older now and I still think it was the right decision for us. I do sometimes crave another baby and probably always will, but I am very happy with our small family!
> 
> Also knitting is my favorite coping tool at family functions! When the boys were younger watching them was helpful in keeping me busy. Now I just seem to sit by myself and feel awkward. I love knitting, someone can speak to me if they want, but I don't appear to be just sitting alone if I am busy with a hobby. I still feel a little weird when I first take it out. People will ask questions, or funny looks, but then I can just relax and knit.
> 
> Sustainer, thank you for your post. The funny thing is, I think I posted the quiz a while back! I am very HSP and do see that possibility in my son. Part of me wants to diagnose, create a label. But what I should do is just relax and accept him as he is, stop worrying about identifying his personality. He's still a kid, and will grow and change in time.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who keeps this thread alive and running. It is a wonderful safe place to visit, read, and post.


How did everyone do with the Thanksgiving Holiday? Our wedding was fantastic, overwhelming, no doubt!

I am interested in learning how to knit, any thoughts on where to start?


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## mich

Thanksgiving was good here. I hosted, but it was a small bunch this year, just 3 guests and us. Then after dinner we went and visited DH's family then stopped bye some of my extended family. We went visiting a little later so there were not as many people there, so that was nice.

Xantho, a friend taught me to knit years ago, I started on small dish cloths.

http://majorknitter.typepad.com/photos/patterns/dishrag_and_magazine_photo.html

Then after a while moved up to scarfs, then cabled scarfs, then hats, and now I'm hooked on knitting socks.

This website, http://www.knittinghelp.com/ has a lot of videos and tips. There are also a ton on youtube. Also, if you need irl help, stop bye a local knitting store, or find a local knitting group. Most knitters love to help a new knitter learn!


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## FallenofTrack

Thanksgiving went fine for me and my family. It was me, my boyfriend, our daughter, and my boyfriend's father. The only other person was a coworker, who was originally just going to stay at home and eat alone. When I heard that he was going to be alone, due to not getting along with his family, I decided to invite him over to my place, since there was going to be more than enough food to go around. It's funny, because I don't even really talk to this coworker, since we work in different areas of the workplace, but we had been acquaintances and due to his personality, I felt comfortable inviting him. The only thing I didn't like about the day, was that the roasted chicken I made, did not turn out to my liking. I got the recipe from an online search, and it came out tasting bland. Thank goodness I had also decided to prepare a ham, which made up for the flavorless chicken.


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## Neuromancer

I was interested to read the original post. I do think I'm an introvert, but not shy at all. My husband is an extrovert. We often have mini-battles over the amount of time spent with other people. For example, I am happy to go to a friend's party for an hour or two every other week or so, but then I feel in need of a recharge and I want to go home. My husband could stay for 6 hours, feeding off the energy and socializing, at 3-4 parties a week (not that we're usually invited to that many parties in a row, but I think he has the stamina!). Sometimes (especially if he's tipsy and I'm sober), I get embarrassed by his small talk because it feels inane and draining to me just to listen to it, even if I'm not participating in it!  I do wonder how this will affect my/our parenting when we have our first child this Spring. As a kid, though I played with friends in the neighborhood often, I loved playing alone in my room and reading. What will I do if my child, like my good friend's daughter, needs constant attention from me?! I'm hoping for a independent and introverted kid I can relate to, but not expecting one!

Thanksgiving was hard for me (edited to add: but not overly so) because it was with my inlaws. They are LOVELY people, but I am definitely in the spotlight when they're around, especially now that I am pregnant. I really felt uncomfortable and like I needed a "time out" several times. I just don't want that much attention! I fear this will get more pronounced when we have a newborn. There were 15 people at dinner. Four of us were immediate family, three were slightly distant relatives, and the rest were invited guests. It was too big a crowd for me, though if they'd all been people I'm close to I would have felt more relaxed.

p.s. I brought out my knitting and knitted during dessert! It made me feel more comfortable, but still a part of the group. We had left the table and things were more informal by that point.


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## Starflower

Welcome, Neuromancer :wave Glad you found us. Sorry to hear Thanksgiving was hard for you.

I had a wonderful social day yesterday with some new friends. We seem to have a fair amount in common with them, all the family members got along and the kids even play together well so DD has some new playmates. We all had a great time. But man, am I a grouch today. Part of it is pain but a lot of it because I just haven't had any time to myself. I've had extra time with DD this week and while I love her immensely, she is very intense. And even though I was pretty good for most of the event yesterday - we just played funny card games - I feel like I have been "on" for a long time now. I am so ready for a break.

However, tomorrow morning we're getting up early to have breakfast with some friends in town from Hawaii. They leave town tomorrow so we can't postpone. I just hope I am not so cranky by then, because I do want to see them. I will likely let them do most of the talking, but I am definitely going to ask DH to take DD somewhere for awhile tomorrow so I can have some quiet time to myself.


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## goldenwillow

mich- thank you for the links! I am excited to get started!

Everyone ready for the next holiday? I am not... lots of outside family issues that will no doubt be interesting this year. Our little fam is fantastic though!

How is everyone holding up? We have some friends coming over tomorrow night that have never been to my home. This couple has a 2 month old and were old roommates of DH years ago. I get so nervous when someone comes to my house that I haven't seen theirs for some reason. I don't care what people think for the most part... guess when it comes to my home I do. Scared of judgment for some reason. We live very simply and love it. We are in the process of selling all our BIG furniture and sold our old futon and entertainment center this past weekend leaving our living room with 2 chairs and a desk among all DS play stations.

I have never really been an entertainer... well.... food and beverages are always there... I mean in the sense of matching plates, glasses, etc... my Mom and G-ma always were... maybe that is where the anxiety comes from even though I don't feel I need to be that way... programmed from childhood and or society? .. sigh. Who knows..... If you don't dig it, don't come back I guess 

Starting Bikram Yoga on Thursday... looking forward to it but a little nervous. Broke my neck (C6 and C7) a month before DS was conceived and I am hurting pretty good by the end of the day. DH and I were in a nasty car accident that was just horrible while visiting my folks.

Have a good day all!


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## CrescentC

I'm new to the thread. I identified with a lot of the description on the very first post (and I'll admit, I can't read 38 pages worth, so I'm just going ahead and posting!) I definitely can feel drained by the company of others, especially if it's in my home or if I can't escape them.

I feel a lot of my introversion is due to my job. As a high school teacher, I have to deal with people all day long....really demanding people and it's exhausting sometimes!! My bf (who is also a teacher) is super social and I often have to say "I really need to do nothing." I've often wondered about how my introversion will affect my daughter in the long run. I ask myself if I'm doing a bad job mothering because I'm not out and about and with the people all the time, but then I remind myself that if I want to be a good mother, I have to take care of myself. And I need quiet time!

Very glad to find this thread and interested to keep reading!


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## Starflower

Xantho - congrats on your wedding! (belated)

I had a good visit back home for the first time ever. We limited the time my brother could be at the house because the dynamic changes for the worse. He decided to leave one day early which was good for everyone. (It's complicated.) The main reason I had such a great time was because I got to see 3 old friends! One I hadn't seen in almost 15 years! (Egad, I can hardly believe I am old enough to even say that! lol)

I did opt out of visiting my DH's friend but he took DD since his pal has a daughter too. They had fun and I got some quiet. It was good.

We didn't do anything but light some sparklers with DD for New Year's, which was fine.

Now we are trying to get into the groove of homeschooling again. DD's wilderness class starts up this week if she's well enough to go. She caught a cold and now I seem to be getting it too. I agreed to belly dance again to another unknown "side project" band's live music in two weeks. It will be a mix of Middle Eastern and Celtic so we'll see how that goes.

We've made some new friends here too which is good. They have 3 kids and also homeschool. They're a lot of fun and like to play games. We went over there on Thursday which was fun, but I opted out of the games. I just didn't feel like it, but they didn't mind.

I spent yesterday on my own but out and about. I ate Thai food a restaurant I like. They are used to me coming in alone, though sometimes I bring a friend or my DH.

So other than the colds over here, we are doing pretty well.

I saw a PP said she likes to go to the movies alone and sit in the front. I like to go to the movies alone sometimes, but I usually sit in the back. Of course, I usually never go until the movie is almost done with it's run so the theater is tiny anyway. lol

I've also noticed DD is getting more extroverted again now that her depression has lifted. She does well with mixed introverted and extroverted activities and I think I am learning both of our limits a bit so it's getting easier to meet both of our needs.


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## Punchy Kaby

I hope everyone is well in the new year.

It has already been a tough month. I had a friend from work pass away from cancer. She wasn't much older than me, it really made me stop and think about my own life and how important my kids and husband are to me. She had a large family that she was close to and it was so beautiful to see how close knit they are.

DH has been in a good mood lately and so he is doing more social things. He came home yesterday with an invite to go to the beach next summer for a week with 4 other families in one of those huge houses.







sounds like a horrible idea. I'm hoping that my work schedule conflicts so that it will be easier to say no. I don't even know three of the families. DH is an extrovert btw...


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## Starflower

Kaby - I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.


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## sobamom

I was so amazed when I started reading this thread. I suppose I've always realized I'm a bit of an introvert, but I never knew the exact definition, nor was aware of how much it encompasses who I am.

I grew up in a family of noisy extroverts and it was pretty torturous since it was always them against me--and obviously something had to be wrong with me, the odd one out, right? Even when I was little, I used to hide in my closet (closet door ajar, bedroom door open







) to get away from my mom and her constant talking.

As a child, my parents called me a cold fish and antisocial all the time--I believe they were hurt and lashing out because I needed alone time and they thought it was because I didn't enjoy spending every waking moment with them.

The weird thing though is that I have battled loneliness all my life, and I don't know if it has anything to do with my introverted personality. It's so hard to find someone I can be myself around and open up with. And my life has moved me around the world, so it's so hard to hold onto the few good friendships I've made over the years, when those relationships are all long-distance.

Does anyone else also find that even when you do find someone who you feel you can talk to, the other person rarely seems to reciprocate? I am often puzzled and a bit hurt when I try to nurture a new friendship and the person instead withdraws. As a SAHM with a young toddler and a husband I rarely see, I really long for just one really good friend, who I can talk to, but friendship seems like such an elusive thing for me.

Well, thank you so much to all of you for sharing your own experiences. I, too, have a very demanding toddler who says "mama, mama, mama" all day long and it drives me absolutely bonkers. And I am also petrified of having a second child because I couldn't imagine having TWO little people demanding I talk and sing and play with them all day long--argh!


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## tink79

Subbing









I was surprised to see this one come up today, I've never heard the definition at the start of this thread but it really does explain alot. I am lucky enough to be from a family with several introverts so I wasn't ever pushed one way or the other but my husband is a complete extrovert and it took him a really long time (probably 10 years) to understand how I worked and felt comfortable because he comes from a family of pretty much only extroverts.


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## sonicfrost

Hello all

I would like to chat with some other introverts. How do you go about making friends? I find it extremely difficult. I hope this thread gets revived.


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## geek_the_girl

I have probably replied to this a long time ago. Nice to see it pop up again. Im not a shy person . I have no problem talking to peoplebut after being around a lot of people or in a crowded area with lots of noises and such I need time to recharge. It just drains me. Im also quite a hermit. If givin a choice to go out to a party or school event I would much rather stay at home. I was thinking about this today. There is no where that I would rather be than home_._

There's no place like home


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## marieangela

I haven't posted on here in a while. I was definitely feeling the downside of being an introvert with my kids tonight. My husband works long hours and is rarely home before the kids go to bed. I've got an intoverted 8 year old who loves to read and play video games. I can sit and quietly read or just be with him. Then I have a LOUD, constantly talking, contrary and demanding 5 year old. And, last but not least, a special needs 23 month old, who is in an attachment phase and knows a few signs and very few words, and so often cries and screams. I was just done tonight. Done with crying, done with fighting brothers, done with my 5 year old making everything difficult, done with demands and done with my three children needing so much from me. Not a good feeling. After they all went to bed, I have read, done yoga and taken a shower and am beginning to feel better. Of course, I'm going to end up staying up way too late, since I need to clean up a bit before my daughter's therapy session tomorrow morning and take the garbage out still. Going out in the cold will be sure to wake me up. And then I will be awoken a 5am by my daughter without having had enough sleep...

On the bright side, my two closest friends are meeting me in New Orleans on Friday for a long weekend. They live on the other side of the country and I rarely see them. We went to New Orleans 10 years (and 8 kids) ago and were overdue for a girls weekend. My husband is taking some vacation days to be with the kids and I will be with two people that I feel comfortable and relaxed with. Just what I need right now. I love my children dearly, but I do need some time to just be me and to just be.


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## sobamom

Disaster! I was so excited to learn more about myself as an introvert that I naively decided to be open with my mom about why I get so stressed out when she and my dad (both very talkative extroverts) come to stay in our tiny apartment for weeks-long visits. Is it impossible for an extrovert to empathize with an introvert? Because my mom took everything I said very personally and has started writing very hurt, accusatory things. She also thinks there is something psychologically wrong with me and now is writing about how she is worried for me and for my daughter--I think she fears I'm raising my daughter in some sort of isolated, unhealthy environment. Which is totally untrue. I've actually never gone out so much in my life and met up so frequently with other people until I had DD.

So now I feel anxious and disappointed and a bit resentful, and I seem to have managed to semi-alienate a good portion of my family with my latest disclosure. (They all pretty much think I don't want to see them any more.)


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## Starflower

sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"

I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.

Hi to all the other new people on this thread.


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## Starflower

I had an annoying experience at the doctor's office today. I take allergy shots and after a shot, I have to wait in the office for 30 minutes to be monitored just in case of an adverse reaction. That's fine. I like to read or do crossword puzzles or surf the internet on their wifi. But today there was another patient who was just loud and annoying. It started at the front desk. She was being pushy IMO. They accommodated her to get her to shut up. Fine.

But then while I was waiting after I had my shot, she was talking so loudly I could hear bit of her conversation with the shots nurse through the open window. Then after she came back out to the waiting area, she kept trying to chat with him about movies and blah-blah-blah - even after he had to call up another patient. I was not the only one in the waiting area that noticed her. I finally got up and moved to the other side of the waiting area. It was quieter after that, but I still could have make out her every word. It was hard to concentrate on my magazine. She moved to my previous seat, right next to the nurse station, but she eventually got out a laptop and stopped talking. I imagine the nurse was glad to be able to get some work done since he had seemed to be trying to get out of the conversation.


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## agreenbough

Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!

I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....

Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.

But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.


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## sobamom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Starflower*
> 
> sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"
> 
> I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.


Hi Starflower, thanks so much for the comments and advice. I was really down about it because I've always felt like something of an outsider in my family and now they think they have confirmation that I'm a big weirdo. Sigh.

I tried searching for some good online articles, but unfortunately, most of the articles I've found are written by introverts and there is definitely an "us vs them" tone that I think, unfortunately, would alienate a lot of extroverts. Also, my mom seems to now be in a place of denial and simply doesn't want to hear anything more on the subject.

As for your last suggestion, unfortunately, my daughter is extremely dependent on me, to the point of even rejecting my husband. She won't tolerate other people unless I'm within clinging distance. Another sigh.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *agreenbough*
> 
> Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!
> 
> I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....
> 
> Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.
> 
> But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.


Agreenbough, I'm sorry to hear we're going through really similar experiences. I can clearly picture your stiffly offended in-laws' faces! They sound a lot like my parents--just endless chit-chat, from the moment I get up (total hell, since I'm not a morning person) till I pretend to go to bed...early. Like you, though, the upside is that they realize now that I'm not happy when they drop by without asking--though you can't exactly say, "No, don't come," can you?--and staying for weeks.

The most unfortunate thing is that your husband isn't more understanding. That must be hard, but he should know and accept you, since I'm sure you haven't changed that must in terms of your introvertedness from when the two of you first met, have you?


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## agreenbough

I haven't changed over the years in respect to my introvertedness, but I have changed in the respect that I'm no longer willing to go along with some things I'm uncomfortable with in order to keep the peace. I come from a family of introverts, so we're all really good at giving each other space and don't see the need to be alone sometimes as weird. We respect each others' boundaries. We're all on good terms, but don't really talk all that often. Once a month, maybe.

My ILs, on the other hand, seem to have MUCH looser boundaries. They're always going the extra mile to "help" even when no help was requested. I'm not really used to "help" and it often comes across as intrusiveness to me. For instance, I can't begin to imagine being a guest in someone's home and cleaning their microwave and cleaning out their refrigerator. I can't imagine being asked to do those things if I was a guest in someone else's home, either. My MIL actually got upset once because my clueless husband told her to clean out the refrigerator, and then I told her that's not the kind of thing a guest should do, and to not do it. (I worded it more politely than that.) I mean, she wouldn't know what needed to be kept, and would likely throw out things I had intended to keep. But she was actually upset, to the point that I felt like saying, hey, if you want to clean out a refrigerator, go home and do your own!

I was visiting her once with my husband, and he was out somewhere. I really needed some alone time, so I told her I was going to go out to a local restaurant for a while. So she went and invited my BIL to go with me, without even asking me if I wanted company. Like she simply can't fathom anyone enjoying being alone.


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## Starflower

sobamom - my parents thiink I'm weird and have told me this forever. I don't think it's from the introversion though- I just think very differently from them. I am positive that I am the only INFP in our family. I had my mom take the abbreviated Meyers-Briggs while she was here. She ended up something like mixed for extrovert and introvert pretty evenly. In fact everything on hers was fairly close - except the Judging vs. Perceiving. She was heavy on the J and I am very heavy on the P. I think this difference is what causes most of our problems. We actually get along pretty well most of the time. I don't know what my dad's problem is. lol

My family is extremely intrusive though. And patronizing. gag. They call all the time. It's rare to go a week without hearing from them. They're all up in everyone's business trying to "fix" everything. Very co-dependent. Drives me nuts. I have to be very careful about sharing anything with my family because they will try to fix it (even if it "ain't broke") and/or tell everyone else in the family. I think much of this is my dad. He will call me and say my mom wants to talk to me when she may or may not really want to talk. He says she wants to talk but doesn't want to call. I think he's just nosy.

DH's family is pretty much non-communicative and the total opposite. I think many of them are extroverts, but they are also very out of sight, out of mind type people and they just don't call or anything. And if you do tell them something, they don't try to take the info and do something with it like my family.

agreenbough - it's nuts that your MIL invited your BIL to your dinner out alone. I think for some extroverts the idea of dining alone must be terrifying. Kind of like me thinking about having dinner at DH's office party in loud, noisy room at huge tables full of strangers and chit chat. (AAAACK!) I doubt she'll ever get it. Next time maybe you could tell her you're going to the library or something?


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## agreenbough

The problem I have now is that I've built up so much resentment over the years that I just can't seem to shake it. Every time it crosses my mind I get angry. I know I shouldn't allow someone to have that much control, but I don't know how to let it go.

I think it's because there has been no closure, and none is in sight. I guess I'm just waiting for the next announcement of a visit to stand up and say, "No more."

It's really hard to get people to understand when they seem to have no grasp of psychology/personality. It's like they have a simple, basic way of thinking about what acceptable behavior is, and any deviation from their script is wrong. Or weird. Or both.


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## Starflower

That sounds really frustrating and stressful, agreenbough.

I have been super busy lately. Too busy. DD's extroversion is back now that she's no longer depressed (which is good but is something I have to strive for balance with). So we have been very active and getting out and seeing people a lot. (I would like more drop off play dates!) Strangely enough, I went to a party last Friday, just me, because we had no sitter. I almost didn't go but DH convinced to go for a bit at least. I mostly went for networking. Sounds weird, but I think that's how extroverts kind of work it, so I went mostly to be "seen." I ended up staying a long time and had an OK time. I chatted with one person and watched some other belly dancers. I did not mingle though. Just said hi to the familiar people and ended up chatting with a couple new people I met who were at the same table. The dance community here is very friendly and accepting so it was easier than most parties/social things I have been to in the past.

It seems like I have been driving all over and seeing all kinds of people lately between stuff for DD's homeschooling and my belly dance stuff. This week, I had no break at all because it was parent day at wilderness class. I went hiking with the kids and didn't have to talk to people too much. But I have had so little down time, I am wondering if that's part of why I feel slightly on the edge of a minor depression. There's been a lot going on for me internally but I haven't had much time to process it.

Tomorrow night we are going to a family game night / Chinese New Year gathering with a group of friends. Most of our activities are for DD. The people are pretty cool so it should be OK. But I am planning on just checking out over the weekend. My goal is to make it through Friday and then just lay low, possibly through Monday.


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## Starflower

I just turned down an opportunity to belly dance to live music by a Middle Eastern band I really like tomorrow. I almost took the offer but I really just need some down time. I have a headache. We're going out tonight for a family night thing at a friends' house. It's so hard to juggle things sometimes. This week seems to have been all about DD's stuff taking over my life. I feel like I need two weeks off. One just to decompress and another to clean my house.


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## marieangela

A friend just sent me this link for a myers briggs test humanmetrics.com. I took my first one when I was about 12 years old. My father was a college professor (now retired) and had one of his friends at the college give me the test. I was INFP. She said I was very strongly intoverted. I took it again, at least once, in college and was INFP again. I just took this shorter online test and came up ISTJ. Still very introverted, but slightly sensing, moderately thinking and judging. Not sure if it's just this particular test or if, in some ways, I am changing. As usual, there were some questions that I could go either way on.

I just went to New Orleans for a long weekend last week with my two closest friends, who happen to live on the opposite side of the country. It was really wonderful to be in the company of two people who I am so comfortable with and can be myself with. Then I came home and was sad that they are so far away and I don't know when I'll see them again. My husband was off for four days using up his vacation time before it ran out, though. He usually works all the time. Now he is back to work and I'm feeling a bit down. I do like time to myself, but time with people that understand me and that I'm comfortable with is really important to me. I'm really not alone much anyway. With three kids, there is always at least one someone who needs something from me at all times. I'm awake now, just to have some "me" time while the kids are asleep. I really should be asleep because my almost 2 year old is bound to wake up at 4am again tomorrow and this whole sleep deprivation business is getting quite old.


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## Starflower

There is a link to an abbreviated myers-briggs test earlier in this thread which I found to be consistent with my earlier tests. I am also an INFP. I recently saw a friend I hadn't seen for almost 15 years. It was like we'd never been apart, but that's the type of relationship we used to have. I feel close to her again now and wish we lived closer. The good news is that she's moving to a city 4 hours away. And I'm excited because it greatly increases the chance that I'll see her again before another decade + goes by.

Today, I am feeling thankful that I did not sign up DD for the homeschool group Valentine party. I am missing out on 57 Valentines being exchanged by a roomful of excited, screaming kids and their families. Many of the valentines include a sweet treat so I won't have to police that all week either.

DD was really upset when I told her we weren't going which made me feel guilty. But instead, we'll have some friends over Friday, exchange Valentines with them and bake some heart-shaped brownies. We also signed her up for a drop-off Valentine party at a child care place that has parents' night out. She is thrilled and we get 4 hours for a date. Much better IMO than the homeschool party I was feeling guilty about not attending.


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## mytwomonkies

Hi everyone! I would consider myself both an introvert AND a shy person


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## townelin

I just got referred to this site via a friend: http://www.motherstyles.com/default.asp. Based on a book:

MotherStyles

Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths
by* Janet P. Penley*
with Diane Eble

Not sure if it's been mentioned before...


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## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *townelin*
> 
> I just got referred to this site via a friend: http://www.motherstyles.com/default.asp. Based on a book:
> 
> MotherStyles
> 
> Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths
> by* Janet P. Penley*
> with Diane Eble
> 
> Not sure if it's been mentioned before...


Dig it! Thank you for the link!


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## Starflower

Hi introvert mamas! Hope everyone is doing well. I have typed here and then deleted before posting several times. (No big surprise there, eh?) But the introverted mamas thread is one of my favorite places on MDC. So I wanted to







to everyone.

I feel like I have been learning how to navigate the waters a bit with the extroverts. If we connect and it's not a deep as I am used to, I am able to realize it's probably good for them and to adjust my expectations more realistically. I am picking my extroverted friends a bit more carefully and starting to find some balance in how I am going through the world. DD is doing much better and is definitely an extrovert so I'm managing to find her the right balance for the most part too. This has kind of been my driving force behind finding the right balance for both of us. We have some new friends now finally - I was in a great mood the day we met and was able to have normal, interesting conversation for a change. Lucky day for us. Our friends are totally cool with my introverted tendencies. My girlfriend needs downtime some times too but she is super easy going just like my DH. Her DH, however, is much more introverted and has anxiety and is intense, just like me. He even has the hypoglycemia type stuff and sensitivity issues I have. This makes it easier for all of us to relate to one another which is helpful, and I finally feel like I am getting some real friends. DH has even noticed that it's easy to be with them. It's been so long since we've found people we can relate to, it's just been really nice.

My biggest news for now though is that I am dealing with some MAJOR insane health issues. I just posted a thread in Personal Growth about it if you are interested. I just had brain surgery last Friday to remove a tumor, so my life has taken a very surreal turn as of late. I blabbed a lot on the other forum so I'll leave it alone here.

Happy spring to my fellow Intoverts!


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## marimara

Omg, I haven't posted in this thread in AGES. It's so timely though that I got an update from it. Right now, this exact minute, I'm battling a decision whether or not to continue putting in effort towards a friendship with a suspected ENFP, I know for sure she's extroverted and am pretty sure about the rest of it. It's just so 'push me, pull me" with her and I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. She calls, wants to hang out, then flakes out....so many times. I don't have a lot of room in my life for friends as it is, much less one who is not there and around. I'm trying to swallow the understanding that she will never be the type of friend who is good for me and I think I just have to let her slide. Though, just as I make this decision, she'll call me back up and say we're on for something. I'm and INTP and don't do relationship drama, I really like to keep it simple. Sometimes it's so hard dealing with extraverts....

Starflower~wow brain surgery! I'll have to go read that thread now, I hope it's all going ok.


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## Starflower

Hugs to you marimara. If you enjoy this person sometimes, could you possibly just let it be a "sometimes we do something fun together kind" of casual relationship? If she's s drama queen, that would be a red flag, I think. But sometimes it seems like the extroverts need to let it all out and then they are done processing. Whereas, innies seem more likely to be processing on our own.

But if you are opposite in T and F on the Meyers-Briggs, that could actually affect things more than even the I/E stuff, in my opinion. Have you read much about how thinking and feeling people differ? I have found it fascinating and very helpful. My mom is opposite enough from mine on T/F (about halfway) and on perception/judgements we're pretty much polar opposites which seems to be what makes us have difficulties at times. And it's really just a personality thing, the way we are wired. I've found reading up on it very helpful. There were some books recommended earlier in the thread that I read and were helpful. I'd look them up for you but I am way too tired right now. And I realize I am rambling a bit. But I'm claiming it as a post-op problem. lol

Hang in there and good luck. Maybe if you decide to cut her off, you'd need to actually "break up" with her. Or just back away slowly and be less available. I'm sure you'll figure out how you want to handle it. Tough stuff though. Good luck.


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## newmamalizzy

"I crave deep connection with people, but find social interactions to be draining in general."

YES! It's funny, because I crave going to my playgroup for the chance to be with other adults, but once there....somehow it seems like they all manage to get close to each other, chit-chatting and whatever else like they've known each other for years, while I'm still left out because I just can't get what I NEED from chit-chat, and there's not enough time for me to get closer to these women in the way that I've come to make friends with people in the past - slowly, and by spending lots of time in each others' company. As a SAHM of a 1-year-old, I find myself really wondering if I'll ever be able to make a true friend again, and I'm afraid that my own inner vibrancy will dim if I completely lack deep connections with others. I'm unused to having such a separate life from DP (we've somehow always ended up working together in the past) and find that our relationship is suffering because I'd rather be alone than have too-brief-to-be-truly-interesting moments with DP.

I'm glad this group is here. Being a mother has been tough for me so far, and introversion (in combination with a few other BIG factors) has a lot to do with it.


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## marimara

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Starflower*
> 
> Hugs to you marimara. If you enjoy this person sometimes, could you possibly just let it be a "sometimes we do something fun together kind" of casual relationship? If she's s drama queen, that would be a red flag, I think. But sometimes it seems like the extroverts need to let it all out and then they are done processing. Whereas, innies seem more likely to be processing on our own.
> 
> But if you are opposite in T and F on the Meyers-Briggs, that could actually affect things more than even the I/E stuff, in my opinion. Have you read much about how thinking and feeling people differ? I have found it fascinating and very helpful. My mom is opposite enough from mine on T/F (about halfway) and on perception/judgements we're pretty much polar opposites which seems to be what makes us have difficulties at times. And it's really just a personality thing, the way we are wired. I've found reading up on it very helpful. There were some books recommended earlier in the thread that I read and were helpful. I'd look them up for you but I am way too tired right now. And I realize I am rambling a bit. But I'm claiming it as a post-op problem. lol
> 
> Hang in there and good luck. Maybe if you decide to cut her off, you'd need to actually "break up" with her. Or just back away slowly and be less available. I'm sure you'll figure out how you want to handle it. Tough stuff though. Good luck.


Thanks! I have read a lot about MBTI. I'm pretty comfortable being around "Feelers", as most of my girl friends tend to be that. I think our issue really is the extraversion on her part. From what I read about ENFPs is that they tend to be in the moment and like to draw other people out and then they are done with them, when their need for them is over. When I first met her, we did hit if off great, she did draw me out and I thought I could be myself around her and all would be ok. But I can see that she doesn't have the same need for "close" friend(s) as I do. I don't like to have a lot acquaintances and such, I prefer a few close friendships and that's it. So, it's just a conflict of personalities, I think. Plus, on the t/f side, I can tell that I am too much of a realist for her sometimes and she would prefer to live in the idealistic world. Whereas I can go there too, but I don't live there. She's not really high drama, just flaky. She's on, then she's off. Hot and cold. I don't like emotional ups and downs. I will keep her as a once in a while friend, but I won't put a lot of effort anymore. I think it's up to her, I just have to remember to keep myself anchored because she likes to carry people away. It's so sad because my very introvert daughter really became attached to her kids and dd is kinda let down whenever things don't work out. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just keep people at a distance so dd can have lots of friends, but unfortunatley that's not how I work.

ETA: I realize as I'm writing this post that my whole issue is that I feel "used", I feel like I let it all hang out, let her see me who I am (which doesn't happen often), let my guard down. And this is what I get for it. Just tossed aside and picked up whenever. That's just unfair, I think. I give my all to my friends and family and people close to me, I feel like I deserve the same. Mostly, I'm having a pity party! LOL.


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## Starflower

I would definitely have a problem with someone who wanted to draw me out and then leave me hanging when she was "done" with me for the time being. It's a lot for me to let myself be seen and I can see how you would have felt used in a situation like that. It sounds like you have a good perspective to re-frame your expectations about this person though. Don't feel bad about a little pity party. A little one once in awhile is OK.









Nice to "talk" to you on here. I've been missing this thread and hadn't realized it.


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## marimara

Thanks Starflower







That validates the way I'm feeling about this. It will all work out, I just need to adjust my expectations and go from there!


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## sobamom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *marimara*
> 
> Thanks! I have read a lot about MBTI. I'm pretty comfortable being around "Feelers", as most of my girl friends tend to be that. I think our issue really is the extraversion on her part. From what I read about ENFPs is that they tend to be in the moment and like to draw other people out and then they are done with them, when their need for them is over. When I first met her, we did hit if off great, she did draw me out and I thought I could be myself around her and all would be ok. But I can see that she doesn't have the same need for "close" friend(s) as I do. I don't like to have a lot acquaintances and such, I prefer a few close friendships and that's it. So, it's just a conflict of personalities, I think. Plus, on the t/f side, I can tell that I am too much of a realist for her sometimes and she would prefer to live in the idealistic world. Whereas I can go there too, but I don't live there. She's not really high drama, just flaky. She's on, then she's off. Hot and cold. I don't like emotional ups and downs. I will keep her as a once in a while friend, but I won't put a lot of effort anymore. I think it's up to her, I just have to remember to keep myself anchored because she likes to carry people away. It's so sad because my very introvert daughter really became attached to her kids and dd is kinda let down whenever things don't work out. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just keep people at a distance so dd can have lots of friends, but unfortunatley that's not how I work.
> 
> ETA: I realize as I'm writing this post that my whole issue is that I feel "used", I feel like I let it all hang out, let her see me who I am (which doesn't happen often), let my guard down. And this is what I get for it. Just tossed aside and picked up whenever. That's just unfair, I think. I give my all to my friends and family and people close to me, I feel like I deserve the same. Mostly, I'm having a pity party! LOL.


Hi Marimara,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. To be honest, I think it's hard for an introvert to hold onto casual hot/cold friendships because we're the type to only have deep, meaningful friendships, and if you're like me and only have a handful of close friends, it hurts when one's feelings aren't reciprocated. I recently decided to stop communicating with a friend who I've known since high school, so I thought we were really close. But as we got older, it became obvious that she'd only contact me when she needed a shoulder to cry on. I would listen to all her problems, offer advice, worry about her...but the minute I needed to talk or just wanted to say "hi," I'd never hear from her. I used to feel honored that she would come to me with problems she found too painful to talk to other people about, but when it turned out those were the *only* times she'd call me up, I also started feeling "used." So the last time she emailed, I didn't reply. And I haven't heard from her in a few years now. I still think about her from time to time, but I doubt she does the same for me. Don't apologize for feeling bad--friendship is precious and hard to come by (esp. for us introverts!), and it's upsetting when we lose a friend or realize maybe that person was never a true friend to begin with. [Hugs]


----------



## sobamom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *newmamalizzy*
> 
> "I crave deep connection with people, but find social interactions to be draining in general."
> 
> YES! It's funny, because I crave going to my playgroup for the chance to be with other adults, but once there....somehow it seems like they all manage to get close to each other, chit-chatting and whatever else like they've known each other for years, while I'm still left out because I just can't get what I NEED from chit-chat, and there's not enough time for me to get closer to these women in the way that I've come to make friends with people in the past - slowly, and by spending lots of time in each others' company. As a SAHM of a 1-year-old, I find myself really wondering if I'll ever be able to make a true friend again, and I'm afraid that my own inner vibrancy will dim if I completely lack deep connections with others. I'm unused to having such a separate life from DP (we've somehow always ended up working together in the past) and find that our relationship is suffering because I'd rather be alone than have too-brief-to-be-truly-interesting moments with DP.
> 
> I'm glad this group is here. Being a mother has been tough for me so far, and introversion (in combination with a few other BIG factors) has a lot to do with it.


Hey newmamalizzy,

My daughter is two, so I was where you are not too long ago. I would totally recommend inviting just one mom and baby over for a regular, weekly playdate. I also attended group playdates but had the same problem as you that I never felt like I could get close to anyone in that sort of setting. I find, too, that my daughter also benefitted from these quieter one-on-one get-togethers and was able to relax more at home with just one little friend, than when there were tons of babies toddling all over the place!


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## treestar

Newmamalizzy,

It sounds like me and you are in the same boat! I'm a new momma, but also an introvert and need more momma friends but from where I've been (group playdates, LLL meetings, Children's Museums) it just never seems to be the time or place to make a good momma friend. I'll keep hoping one comes my way, and maybe I'll be able to spark up a deeper conversation at one of these functions.


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## treehugz

Hello introverts! Just saw this on NPR about a new book coming out:

*Quiet, Please: Unleashing 'The Power Of Introverts'*

http://www.npr.org/2012/01/30/145930229/quiet-please-unleashing-the-power-of-introverts?sc=fb&cc=fp


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## mich

Funny, I was just reading the reviews for that book. It reminded me of this thread, and how long it's been since I've checked in.

The holidays and the January birthdays we have (4 family and close friend, so busy!) are over, and I am settling into a quiet winter hibernation. If only the rest of the world would slow down as well. Lately I find myself sitting by the window in a sunny spot, reading, knitting, or puttering online. Sometimes I just look out the window and watch the world go bye for more time than seems decent. I start to wonder is it abnormal to just look out the window and sit in this chair for hours? The luxury of having older children. I can not believe my baby is now 10. Where does the time go.

I hope all my introvert mama friends out there are doing well. What are you all up to lately?


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## csuusc

I definitely fit the description!


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## puddle

Howdy. I'm a major introvert too, and have been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm married to a major introvert, and I have no idea how I'd survive otherwise. We barely even talk in the evenings and it's lovely.  My DD is a shy extrovert who spends most of her days within 5 inches of me and at age 4.5 still won't play by herself because she hates it. DS is nearly 10 months old, and happily crawls off in another room to play by himself. I usually test as INFJ, but sometimes INTJ. I think I used to be more T but being a mother has moved me a little more to the F side. I'm happiest only leaving the house about 2 or 3 days a week and I have no idea how people go out every single day. Happy to see this thread!


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## Nature




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## Worldshakerz

Found this, and took a Myer-Briggs free online test and it was the same as it was several years ago:



Introverted (*I*) 78.79% Extroverted (E) 21.21%
Intuitive (*N*) 70.27% Sensing (S) 29.73%
Feeling (*F*) 71.05% Thinking (T) 28.95%
Perceiving (*P*) 77.14% Judging (J) 22.86%


Your type is: *INFP*


 


*INFP* - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.



I read about the first ten pages of this thread, and the last few...will have to go back through and read more when I have time, checking out links and reading some of the books that have been mentioned. I think I'll start with the Introvert Advantage, then The Happy Introvert.

What is your favorite and most helpful book on this subject?


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## CuddleBug'sMama

Anybody want to join me in making this thread active again? I just found it and am wanting to connect with other introverted mamas. I also have quite a bit of social anxiety, but do OK in very small groups. My 6 yo DD is really wanting more play dates. Im having trouble organizing them for her and feeling very guilty about it. I feel like im the only mother going through this


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## CuddleBug'sMama

It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but I'm just not confident enough to inviting somebody who I know on an aquaintance basis only to our house. The weather is terrible lately so parks are out of the question for location. I just hate having people over for fear of being of being judged. Our walls need painting, there's duct tape on our couch, our floor is warped. We don't have the time or money to fix these problems any time soon. But I need to get over my fears so my daughter can makes some friends. I don't know why this is so difficult for me.

Have you ever arranged playdates for your 4 yr old?


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## newmamalizzy

Oh, I completely hear you on the home embarrassment issue. I'm awkward enough with other people without having something like that to worry about. I do my best to keep the house clean, but the underlying issues, peeling wallpaper, crappy furniture... They still bug me.


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## tabby1678

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CuddleBug'sMama*
> 
> It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but I'm just not confident enough to inviting somebody who I know on an aquaintance basis only to our house. The weather is terrible lately so parks are out of the question for location. I just hate having people over for fear of being of being judged. Our walls need painting, there's duct tape on our couch, our floor is warped. We don't have the time or money to fix these problems any time soon. But I need to get over my fears so my daughter can makes some friends. I don't know why this is so difficult for me. Have you ever arranged playdates for your 4 yr old?


Can so relate to this post CuddleBugsMama! My sensitive, anxious girl is only 3, and I would do anything to help her avoid the social anxiety I have, if I could just get out of my own way! I'd love to find a group of friendly introverts who support each other in my area.

I've met moms and their kids at parks and such who seem nice enough, but haven't worked up the nerve yet to invite them over. Our home is tidy but needs lots of repairs. How do you guys model friend-building for your kids as introverts?

Btw I'm so glad to see this thread is active again!


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## treehugz

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CuddleBug'sMama*
> 
> It sounds ridiculous I'm sure, but I'm just not confident enough to inviting somebody who I know on an aquaintance basis only to our house.


Nope, not ridiculous. I HATE having people in my house, especially if I don't know them well. We live in a small house (~650sqft) and with two kids it's always a mess. It's fine for the four of us, but when we have people over, there just isn't any room for everybody to sit or play. We usually get together with friends at the park.

I'm a huge introvert, and none of my close friends have children. I despise the artificial, kid-centered, awkward things called "play dates" (not judging... just saying I personally hate them). A few years ago I put myself out there to find mom-friends. It wasn't easy, and there was much social awkwardness and discomfort on my part, but after a year or so, I really hit it off with one mom and we've become good friends. We get together once a week and our kids play.... great for me and good for our kids.

Glad this thread is brought back to life. One struggle I've had lately has been finding any alone time. Staying home with two kids, I can never get away, not even in the bathroom. My 5 year old wants to talk or sing ALL the time and my 1 year old is always running or clinging or bouncing or screaming. I've got sensory overload in a big way. I'm so exhausted in the evenings I just fall into bed. Peace and quiet seems far in the distant past or future.

Another struggle I have is feeling torn between my kids. I miss the one-on-one relationship I had with my daughter. Since my son was born I feel like I don't get to know him as much as I did my dd... and like my daughter has been short-changed and isn't getting enough of me anymore (I think she feels this way too)... like I don't get to really know either of them very deeply now. I cherish the times when I'm only with one of them and I somehow am able to "see" them more clearly and enjoy them more... I feel like I'm just not at my best when I'm with them both. Does that make sense??


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## newmamalizzy

I know exactly how you feel about not getting that quiet space that I need. I still just have one kid, but she's the talking all the time type, and it's really hard. I can only imagine how it would feel with 2. My issue is actually with DD's dad. I feel like I don't have any mental space for him. By the end of the day with my daughter, I just want to be alone, and I get all annoyed with him for stupid stuff like breathing weird and chewing loudly. Honestly, I just wish I had my own apartment to retreat to after he gets home. If we're going to be alone-together, I'd really rather just be alone. I feel like the only down-time I have is compromised by another presence, even if he's just sleeping on the couch, and then I don't get the recharge that I really need. Needless to say, it's not very good for our relationship


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## treehugz

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *newmamalizzy*
> 
> By the end of the day with my daughter, I just want to be alone, and I get all annoyed with him for stupid stuff like breathing weird and chewing loudly. Honestly, I just wish I had my own apartment to retreat to after he gets home. If we're going to be alone-together, I'd really rather just be alone.


Hah! Ditto! I thought I was the only who got annoyed with breathing weird and chewing loudly! Dh is as bad as the kids sometimes with the never-ending questions and tapping and ugh, I swear dh purposely turns the pages of his book with gusto to make that crackly sound to bug me when he should know I need silence to think. Oh, and then to feign innocence and get defensive when I call him on it... the nerve! Lol. Really, if I don't get my alone time, I'm impossible to live with.

I totally agree about the being alone together thing... it would be awesome if I could just have the house to myself sometime.


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## CuddleBug'sMama

I'm so sorry for reviving this thread and then abandoning it! Life got crazy and I didn't have a phone for a while. My only other on line source is a big PC that I can rarely get to. Anyone still around? I'd love to be active here for real this time!

I can totally relate to needing time alone. It kind of works out that my DH is very much an introvert too who loves video games. So if I need alone time when kids are asleep he's happy to put his head phones on and plug in and I don't even have to listen to the annoying games. He's also a deep sleeper who's happy to go to sleep early with the kids. Lately though, we've really been making an effort to connect more and enjoy each other's company, which has been good.

And treehugz, I feel the same way being torn between my kids. I feel I'm at my best as a parent when I have individual time with just one of my children. I have three, 6 1/2, 3 1/2, and 7 mon. Sometimes I feel there just isn't enough of me to go around. The worst part for me is then they literally fight over who gets to sit next to me at the table, who get's to snuggle up to my back when I'm lying down nursing the baby. I just don't know how to handle these situations. When they happen I wish I could lock myself in the bathroom and plug my ears until DH gets home.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with anxiety about having people in my unperfect home and being judged. I wish I could say I've made some progress in getting play dates for my kids, but none really. I do have one good friend with a 4 yo, but we only get together about once a month. She doesn't live near me and has a busy schedule.

My 6 yo DD is having trouble keeping friends at school. She talks to me and tells me all the details, asking for advice. I do the best I can, but I'm often at a loss for what to tell her. My social skills aren't great myself and it's been a long time since I was 6. I was pretty shy as a kid and never really sought out friendship the way my DD does, even though I was sometimes lonely. I am encouraged that my daughter will actively seek playmates on her own, but I wish she had some adults in her life who could model good friendship building. My DH is just as introverted as me and his social anxiety is worse.

One of DD's classmates, I'll call her Ann, apparently asked if she could go to her house for a playdate. She asked me and I said yes if her parents talk to me about it and I take her there. I pick DD (G) up from school one day and she rushes over to me very excited saying 'Ann's dad says I can go to her house today!" I haven't heard a thing from anybody at this point. I see Ann and her mom?, step mom? and I smile at her, hoping she'll bring it up, but they just walk on by. I maybe should have said something. But honestly, I don't want G being at their place without me anyways since I don't know these people at all. G was very upset that she didn't get her play date and I felt terrible. This was early December. I told myself I would arrange to have them here but I haven't. I honestly just don't know how. Ann has been telling G that she's not her "BFF" anymore anyways







. I hate this stuff! If you've read this far, thank you. Anybody have some advise?


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## treehugz

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CuddleBug'sMama*
> And treehugz, I feel the same way being torn between my kids. I feel I'm at my best as a parent when I have individual time with just one of my children. I have three, 6 1/2, 3 1/2, and 7 mon. Sometimes I feel there just isn't enough of me to go around. The worst part for me is then they literally fight over who gets to sit next to me at the table, who get's to snuggle up to my back when I'm lying down nursing the baby. I just don't know how to handle these situations. When they happen I wish I could lock myself in the bathroom and plug my ears until DH gets home.


"Sometimes I feel there just isn't enough of me to go around." Yes, me exactly! I've been feeling more and more like this lately. I breaks my heart sometimes... especially for my older dd because she gets less from me because "the baby" needs me more. I'm just out of sorts somehow when I'm trying to manage the two of my kids together... I don't know how to explain it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CuddleBug'sMama*
> I honestly just don't know how. Ann has been telling G that she's not her "BFF" anymore anyways
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> . I hate this stuff! If you've read this far, thank you. Anybody have some advise?


I'm uncomfortable with my dd going to other kids' houses too, so I'm not sure how to deal with that. Ugh, I hated these awkward friend situations when I was a kid. You get ZERO alone time when you're in school, so introverts get no break to recharge during the school day. And my parents always had me playing team sports year round, so even after school I couldn't get away. I was always feeling off-centered, which made it hard to sort through situations and make friends. Homeschool would have been a dream for me.


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## CuddleBug'sMama

I think my DD is somewhere in the middle between introvert and extrovert. She does need some time to play by herself to recharge, but she also hates being alone sometimes and craves play mates. There are times she's happy to play by herself in the playground at school, and there are times when she feels left out and not included. There are also times she is included and has a good time with other kids. Overall she likes school so far. She's still on winter holiday and looking forward to going back. Luckily she has her little brother to play with at home. I try and remind myself of that when life with multiple children gets hard.

I'm glad that I wasn't usually in after school activities as a child. I remember near the end of a school day, really looking forward to that recharge time at home alone in my room. Though I had younger siblings that sometimes wanted my attention. I don't know if home school would have been ideal for me or not. My mother was an introvert who, like me, made no effort to build friendships. My Dad had wonderful social skills and good friends at work, but nothing outside of that. I would have had my siblings to play with, but we would have been very isolated as a family. It's hard to say how that would have affected me.

How old is your older DD, Treehugz? I found when my 2nd was a baby, it helped to remind my older child that the baby needs xyz, just like she did when she was a baby. It didn't help that my second was a high needs baby. I remember feeling really touched out at times and just wanting my body to myself. DD would want to sit in my lap while I was nursing the baby (DS1). I was so conflicted because I desperately wanted to meet her needs, but at the same time I couldn't stand being trapped under two children. It felt like being trapped under a boulder. Looking back on it, I may have been going through PPD. This time around it's easier because DS2 is easy going and usually happy, and the older two are both used to not being an only child. I feel like I'm able to give more of myself to DD now than I could then DS1 was a baby. So I like to think I'm making up for lost times. Still I'm only one person and they are three. So there are difficult times when I feel like I just can't meet all of their needs.


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## head4thehills

CuddleBug'sMama, thank you sooooooo much for reviving this thread. I searched Mothering with the keyword "introvert" and it popped up at the top of the list. Read through the first two pages then skipped to this one. Lots of good material in here, but I just wish I had more time to read through it all. How I crave a good, thoughtful read!

Where to start, except to say that I can relate to just about everything I've read in here. I'm sensitive to and distracted by so many things: odours, temperature, noise, just the presence of another person can throw me off and break my concentration. It's taken me a long time to realize that it's related to being an introvert. While I love and need some social contact, I find many social situations just overwhelming and draining, even more so now that I have two little ones to look after. As I write this, I'm skipping out on at least one social event I've been invited to. Before I became a mother, I would go to these events even if I didn't exactly feel in my element. But these days, the prospect just seems too overwhelming for me. I'd have to make myself look presentable, then talk to people I don't know, find things to say, pay attention to multiple conversations, try to remember names and faces, all while I'm in the dizzying haze of mothering a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old. I've finally decided to quit pushing myself into more uncomfortable social situations than is necessary, and to quit feeling guilty about it.

But of course, it's never so simple to quit feeling guilty. There's the worry that my children will never learn any social skills if I don't try to get them out into social situations on a regular basis. I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out, how to get them out into just the right situations to meet friends, how to not have my entire family come across as awkward and shy, how to navigate difficult moments and situations.... I could go on and on.

Sometimes I wish that our lives were set up to make socializing a little easier for us all. A little more casual. Like a playground within walking distance where we could just drop in every day, and gradually get to know the other regulars there. But right now we are not in that situation. Perhaps we will be in the near future... I hope... if all goes as planned. And they are still young enough to not become set in Mama's introverted ways. But still, I feel anxious about it. Probably more than I should.

You were asking about good books on the subject? I just finished reading Susan Cain's "Quiet: The Power of introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" and found it a very validating and informative. Has anyone else read it?

Well, looks like nap time is over. Must quit for now!


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## head4thehills




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## Ella-6

Hi head4thehills, welcome to the Introvert thread. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner after reading your post,. I have a 4 year old that always needs me and so I don't get a lot of time for anything else. When he was having lunch the day you posted I visited Susan Cains website via your link.

It's cool that someone so articulate is sharing her experience of being an Introvert. Everything she says sounds so familiar.

Do you identify as a HSP? You sound like one. It wasn't until after discovering I was an Introvert that I heard about being sensitive too.

Please come back and post again. I'd love to hear more about your experience and it really is so validating for other Introverts.


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## head4thehills

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ella-6*
> 
> Do you identify as a HSP? You sound like one. It wasn't until after discovering I was an Introvert that I heard about being sensitive too.


Hi Ella-6

I probably do, though I haven't done any of the personality tests. When I have a bit of time I'll do some research, as I love psychology... as a hobby. Mostly I enjoy finding out more about myself and those close to me, as I feel that understanding is a key to compassion. And I hardly need to say it's important to be compassionate towards yourself and those you love.

When I learned that sensitivity to one's surroundings, in terms of the 5 senses, is common in introverted people, it helped me a great deal to understand what's going on with my emotions on a daily basis. It helps just to know that you may be experiencing sensory overload when your environment is noisy, crowded or otherwise stimulating. It helps to know that this is why I may be having trouble concentrating at times, or feel more stressed out than I should. And it gives me a valid reason to create a peaceful environment at home.

This is not the most articulate post... surrounded by people right now. I'll write some more when I get the chance!


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## Ella-6

I really loved how you brought up the word compassionate. Another current favourite for me is empathy and it seems that you were talking about that too.

When I first got into discovering that I was an introvert I researched the types of all the people closest to me too, so that I could better honour their needs. As it happened, at the same time I was speaking to their needs, I got better at speaking up and reminding people about mine. That helped a lot with personal relationships and certain aspects of community involvement.

I know it may sound impossible where you're at with a 3 year old and a 6 month old at the moment, but I was able to volunteer a little bit recently with DS. It felt so amazing to finally do something again for the greater good and be a mother. And he got to live it with me too - Yay! It makes me so happy. The other thing that was really good about it, was that it barely had any face-to-face social contact even though it was something that would directly benefit another person.

Regarding being a HSP, DH and I have a routine where he does things like wearing headphones while listening to music or TV. That helps a lot. Also, we found having zones in our home which are entirely his to do as he pleases alleviated any differences we have. Closing a door to a room or a cupboard is far easier than having to negotiate on a daily basis. And DH, takes DS to most of the kid parties. These are kids that we met through his preschool.

Choosing a school was a really big deal around here. There are so many needs that needed to be met. I really wrestled with the decision-making, because it could so easily go pear-shaped if it was wrong. DS is high needs, but totally in a good way. He is such a bright light and I didn't want that to be squished. The other aspect is that was totally important to me is that I wanted his spiritual growth to be allowed and developed.

Being Introverted and HSP, all the information that comes pouring into my senses when I'm around other people makes picking up, drop off and involvement with school activities a lot fuller and more complex than meets the eye. Therefore, like-minded people becomes even more key.

But, we've found a school and it really feels like the right school.

head4thehills, great name by the way, this turned into a longer post than I first imagined it would be. I'm wondering if this book would be of interest to you: The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide - Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World. Ted Zeff, PH. D.

It's fun being on Mothering and meeting like-minded people, especially I think at the early ages when it's harder to get out and about. I hope you are enjoying it too.


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## head4thehills

Ella-6, sorry it's taken so long to get back to this thread. Busy busy busy... I'm sure you know how it is! 
I'm currently reading Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person. Your previous post prompted me to look up HSP, and found out about her book. It's a very good read, very sensitively written, as you might imagine. From what I've read so far, I think I'm somewhere in the middle of the sensitivity spectrum. I have a tendency to become somewhat of a hermit if left to my own devices, but I have very little trouble putting myself out there in the world. But learning about my own sensitivity has meant that I now pay more attention to the signs that I'm overdoing it. And now I know why I felt so strongly that I needed some time to myself after social activity. Before I became so busy with motherhood, I would take part in festivals and art shows (I'm a studio jeweler-- or I used to be!) several times a year. I enjoyed them very much, but really felt drained after an event. I would need several days to myself to digest everything that took place. I wish I had been able to explain this to DH, as my withdrawal after a show was the source of some tension between us in those days.

I think I can relate to some of your concerns regarding schooling for your young guy, as he is just a little older than mine. Right now I'm having trouble figuring out how we are going to meet his social needs while not overwhelming us. He's not used to being in a place with lots of children, so when confronted with a busy playground, he clings to me until most of the other kids are gone. The other day we went to a playground where there were no other children around. He was perfectly happy with it, but I thought it was a little sad. Where are all the children? Right now, DS says he doesn't want friends, but I think he needs playmates, because lately he's wanted me to play with him non-stop. And I'm confident he would enjoy a friendship once it was established. I love to play with him, but after some time, I want and need to do grown-up things, and of course tend to Baby Girl. I've been wondering if something a little more structured, like soccer for preschoolers, would be something he'd benefit from. Trouble is, he's not completely potty trained yet. I don't want to get him involved with something he's not ready for yet. But I'm puzzling over finding something that's just the right fit for him... and me.
I like your idea of volunteering. I have the urge to do something to give back, to benefit the greater good. I don't think right now is the time for me to do this, because my hands are so full. I'm a member of a small co-operative gallery which provides me with all the community involvement that I can reasonably handle, as well as a venue for my art. The other artist members have been extremely accommodating for me-- many of them are done raising their families and are happy to see the young ones at the gallery receptions. I like the arrangement; it keeps me active in the community, but more on my terms. 
I'm also very happy to have this forum, as it gives me the opportunity to meet people like you who I can relate to... so difficult to do when you can't get out there enough!


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## Ella-6

head4thehills said:


> Ella-6, sorry it's taken so long to get back to this thread. Busy busy busy... I'm sure you know how it is!


 Yes, head4thehills I do know how it is which is evident in my also not immediate reply, lol.



> I'm currently reading Elaine Aron's The Highly Sensitive Person. Your previous post prompted me to look up HSP, and found out about her book. It's a very good read, very sensitively written, as you might imagine. From what I've read so far, I think I'm somewhere in the middle of the sensitivity spectrum. I have a tendency to become somewhat of a hermit if left to my own devices, but I have very little trouble putting myself out there in the world. But learning about my own sensitivity has meant that I now pay more attention to the signs that I'm overdoing it. And now I know why I felt so strongly that I needed some time to myself after social activity. Before I became so busy with motherhood, I would take part in festivals and art shows (I'm a studio jeweler-- or I used to be!) several times a year. I enjoyed them very much, but really felt drained after an event. I would need several days to myself to digest everything that took place. I wish I had been able to explain this to DH, as my withdrawal after a show was the source of some tension between us in those days.


Elaine Aron is excellent. I think somewhat of a pioneer with regard to anything HSP. From what you're saying it sounds like you have some HSP tendencies, you are strongly introverted, but you're not shy. So, if that's the case then you're biggest need would be down-time (or seclusion) between activities and after events. Saying this to you has reminded me of something else an introvert needs... During a big social event taking tiny moments to yourself throughout the event as a type of supercharge, or regroup.

I have to go now, but I will come back as soon as I have time to do so again.

You have a lovely, sensitive writing style. Also, when you speak about yourself, you do so in such a way that helps me feel included every step of the way. I hope it rubs off on me


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## Ella-6

I woke up this morning thinking that probably the hardest thing for an introvert, in those early days of motherhood, is not having enough time for reflection. This inner connection becomes a fleeting moment that is soon filled with flurries of the present, but always beckons like a promise from the future with love.

I asked a previous poster when does that fleeting moment expand and while she didn't reply, I can now semi-reply from my own experience... Probably each child is different, but my high-needs (needing near-constant physical/emotional/mental connection/stimulation) is now comfortable to allow me to have a hot drink away from him from start to finish. This started when he was about 4 1/4. 

That's when he's with me. When he's playing with DH on Saturdays, he can cope well with 1/2 day without me, as long as daddy is wholly focused on him. But then he needs to reconnect. He prefers shorter days at Kindy and attends for about 5 hours, one day a week. 

Being an Introvert and HSP (quite strongly), that time needed for reflection still isn't quite there, but it's a start. 

Soon after DS turned 3, we began early learning. He's shown such an interest. We developed a style that suited us - because he is so physical. Between solving each equation or problem, he would run a loop around the house. DS found it all very exciting. That was an investment because not only is he ahead in learning, but he has found something he is passionate about and something he can now do on his own. If he is leaning all over me (picture this in an active way), then the period of time that he can focus on that type of activity extends.

3 for us, was probably the biggest foundational year for self-sufficiency. We put so much focus into that. 4 is an extension of that, plus now there is the added layer of the child that he is becoming shining through. It really is delightful and rewarding.

...

Those three dots symbolise a break in time while I tended to DS who just woke up. He's with DH now, so I'll quickly finish up. It reminded me of how much energy we've put into our communication style. I've had to learn a lot about matching my true nature with the type of words I use. Still working on it. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to meet you. Like for example when you said 'puzzling' over something, where previously I'd used 'wrestling'. Puzzling is a much gentler word and if you don't mind I'm going to adopt it!

Empathy is for me, the foundation of communicating with another person. That's why I really enjoy the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. I just used those techniques with DS right then and it smoothed his morning upset. Yippee!

Ah, there's still so much to say, as I feel I've only touched on your post... Hopefully in my round-about way, some of what you're thinking about has been mentioned here. I'm looking forward to adding more and hearing your perspective (and the manner in which you express it), when there's time. Soon I hope. And don't feel pressured whenever you can post is a gift to me, ...ever surrounded by extroverts and activity, hehe.


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## head4thehills

Hi Ella, so sorry for the time lapse.... 
So much I'd love to respond to. Your post was amazing, beautifully-written-- not to mention flattering! I'll try to hit a few of the high points and add a few things that have been on my mind.
You mentioned early learning, solving problems and equations, starting at age 3. Wow, that seems really advanced! Are you using any learning modules, or making up your own? I'd really like to know how to introduce my guy to some semi-structured learning, since we'll be homeschooling. I'd like to try different things and see what he responds to. I feel I need some guidance, in the form of activity books, to help him learn. I draw a bit of a blank when I try to dream up educational activities for him. 
Oh, and do you have any advice on teaching self-sufficiency? Maybe I've been more attentive a parent than I realise, maybe a little too attentive, because he still seems very dependent upon me for everything... feeding, dressing, tooth-brushing. I often fall into doing these things for him out of lack of time (or maybe just patience). Today, suddenly he showed me he CAN dress himself if he's motivated enough. I told him we're going to his grandparents' and his aunt and cousin are there, and let slip that they have a present for him. Boy, you should have seen him get his clothes on! Now, can he do it for himself again tomorrow? Without bribery? We'll see...
It's been hard at this point for me to wrap my brain around educating him, since I'm over-occupied with household tasks, not to mention taking care of the baby. She has decided to skip crawling, and needs help "walking" all of the time. So, at this point I rarely get to sit down to eat a full meal. She's up and about before I'm halfway through. However, I will add that at least in the morning I can have my hot drink (coffee, yeah!) almost all the way through without having to get up for a walk-about with DD or help DS with a game.
I am hoping that there will eventually be a time when I do get that uninterrupted reflection session on a daily basis. But, as it is, I think I spend my whole day in reflection upon something or other. More than once, DS has said to me "Mama, stop thinking!" In other words, start talking and responding to what he is telling me. I'm concerned that my introversion makes me less effective as a parent, not playing or interacting with my children as much as I should, even if I'm there physically.
On a slightly different note, I was wondering, how do you evaluate (if that's the right word to use) your own children's traits? I'm pretty sure that DS is slightly more on the introverted side, but I'm not sure if that's due to my own tendency to be "in" more than "out". He's not used to being around people outside of his family, so he behaves more cautiously and quietly in public or in a playground than the other kids. DD is just a baby right now, but she seems to be more physically sensitive than her big brother. She's teething right now and is fussing much more than DS did. I think she'll be the real "princess and the pea," noticing all the little things. They are both sensitive to noise, like I am. I don't use vacuum cleaners or electric mixers very often, as the noise bothers me as much as them.
The last thing I wanted to mention was regarding the two books I recently read on introversion and HSP. While they were good reading, I was disappointed with how little they had to say on being Introverted or HSP parents. They focused more on being parents to HS or introverted children, but it seems unlikely that extroverted or non-HSP parents would ever think to pick up these books for advice on their children.
I'm going to do a little more online research for the fun of it, just to see if I can find more on being a parent with these traits. But, so far, this forum has been the best for advice and interaction with other "innies"!


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## kaimarb

:lurk


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## StarJune

Anyone still here??


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