# Your responsibilities as a DIL



## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

So I've been thinking about this lately (kind of a s/o to another post here a few days ago) and I've been wondering how it works for other families. Do you feel you have any responsibilities or obligations to your inlaws?
I mean, for me, I've been married for 13 years and it seems to have changed quite a bit over the years. Basically I've become a very hands-off, nonchalant DIL. This is very different to how I started off my marriage. I really wanted a good relationship with my dh's family and I worked hard at making that happen. For the past couple of years, due to some issues, I have completely changed. I used to invite them over regularly, remind dh to call his mom, take over the birthday gift shopping, initiate contact with them, etc. etc. Now I do nothing. I really don't give the slightest hoot if I never see them again. They rarely initiate contact with us, but they do want to see us regularly and will complain if it's been a while (over a week!), but they never do anything about it themselves. When dh does get around to calling them mil will give him grief over how they haven't seen us, blah, blah, but they never call to invite us. They want contact from the kids, like phone calls, but they never call the kids themselves.

Should I just suck it up and start initiating contact like I use to? Or just leave things as is and take absolutely no responsibility for it? And, really, why are we as women expected to take on this responsibility?? My dh doesn't initiate contact with my parents, ever, and noone expects him to. He happily comes to my parents house when we go and is very pleasant and polite to them, but that is all he is expected to do.

What are your thoughts? How does it work with you?


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

This is so strange! I just woke up early because I couldn't sleep any longer. I am filled with worry







:. Just yesterday, my MIL and I had a big discussion. On one hand, it was nice to get some issues out into the open, while on the other I am left feeling like DH and I are being critiqued for the way we live.

In short, I have no idea how to answer any of your questions!?!? Why? I am left feeling the same way by my in laws. My inlaws (SIL included) are equally demanding of our time despite rarely initiating any contact with us. I am the one who calls, writes emails, sends photographs, brings over/sends gifts, etc. They do very little of the above (my SIL does none of the above). And, they all become offended if we decide to go on a vacation over a holiday.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

I am blessed to have a great relationship with my ILs, but my own GRANDMOTHER is exactly that way - complains about not seeing us/getting pictures, but never initiates contact. Honestly, I have decided she's not worth it - she was an absent grandmother, now she's an absent great-grandmother, and I prefer to put my energy into the family members who give something back.


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## Leilamus (Jun 12, 2006)

My ILs are the same way, constantly complaining that they don't see us but they only call once every two ro three months. We live about 45 mins from them now but for 5 years we lived in the town next to them and it was the same story. I used to do what you're talking about - make the calls, get the cards etc. I still get the bday cards cause DP will never remember but that's it. It's up to him to keep up contact with them if he wants to.

Also, I'm not sure how your DH feels about things, but my DP finally got REALLY tired of his dad always laying on the guilt trip about not calling and one day he finally said You know it's a two way street Dad and you don't call us either. FIL paused for a minute and then actually said, you know you're right, I'm sorry about that. It hasn't meant more contact from them but he hasn't laid on the guilt the last few times he's called. Just an idea...I wonder if our ILs and parents in general are just programed to put guilt on their kids? It kind of seems like it.


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

My responsibility to my in-laws is to be polite and respectful when I see them.

I do not initiate contact, remind dh of birthdays, etc. They are his parents and they are his responsibility.

I do get along with my in-laws but it is diffiuclt enough for me to stay on top of my small families important dates without getting bogged down with his Waltonesque one.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

I have a wonderful relationship with the in-laws. My MIL is a hoot. She is supportive, a fabulous, cook, and a master gardener, even if she can be the crankiest person in the room sometimes.

Since my grandmother's passed away, I am much closer to his grandmother these days.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

Luckily I have a good relationship with my inlaws. My MIL and I talk just about everyday via email and she visits at least once a week. While I do love my inlaws, they completely drive me nuts too. My FIL always thinks he is right and no one is going to tell him differently and the worse part is my dh thinks that my FIL is right all the time too







This causes a lot of tension between dh and I.

Dh and I are in the process of buying a house (without his parents seeing the house which is a huge thing for dh) and his mom and dad call us all the time and give us "advice" like we are 2 years old.







: I don't mind advice but we are still adults, kwim??


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I have a good relationship with my IL's but I dont call near as much as I used to. My MIL upsets me sometimes. Im still "recovering" from their visit 6 months ago with I gave birth to my 4th son. I THOUGHT she was coming to help ( as my mom would have IF they wernt here) nope they acted as guests. My MIL is also very interested in my weight ( my own mother doesnt ask) I had a 10 lb baby.. NO Im not back in all my clothes. Its causing alot of stress so I just let DH handle his parents. They call he answers.


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

OP, I could have written your post. I don't think that my responsibilities to my IL's go beyond accepting invitations and being polite when I see them. They are DH's family and our level of contact with them is up to him. I used to feel differently, but got very tired of the constant negativity that seems to almost radiate from them. They're also big into the guilt trips but rarely initiate anything. And when we do extend invitations, they, as often as not, seem inconvenienced to accept. Plus they have very different parenting views that we have and do not respect our choices. They never ask about our choices and when various parenting issues have come up they have invariably argued with us. And yet they complain that they don't have time with DS without us. Like I would allow that!









That's another big issue. For a long time the IL's have made passing references to their expectation that they should be "taking C" for visits. They seem to have the attitude that time with him isn't as good if his parents are around. This makes me extremely suspicious and is another reason why I have not consented to unsupervised visits.


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

I would love to have a good relationship with my inlaws, and with the slightest encouragement, I would even carry the bulk of the "work" in maintaining the relationship. However, they are not interested.

At first, Dh's mother was angry with me for???? Hard to explain, but pretty much, she's mildly unstable, and I was a threat to her stability. She did some really hurtful things, and I backed WAY off. (Note: Dh and I were together for 10 years before we had any children.) Now, she is in our lives and she is a force for good, but I do not feel comfortable with her, so I leave her to DH. When she visits, I have no trouble spending time with her, and even enjoying her, but I take NO responsibility for that relationship. I think she and I are both quite comfortable to have DH between us rather than having our own independent relationship. Fortunately, DH adores his mother and does his filial duty without any input from me.

Dh's father and step- mother were pretty good at first. They were never warm exactly, but I attributed that to a difference in style rather than any problem with me. Then, we had children, and suddenly, they were too busy to see us. Anytime we invited them to do something, they either said no or made it clear how very inconvenienced they were by the get together. Then, when we had our third child, they were downright rude. Then we moved 2000 miles away, and they flat out refuse to maintain any sort of relationship. I have written maybe 20 or 30 letters that were never responded to.

So, no, I do not have responsibilities to my inlaws. I find it so strange, because I AM the sort to do elder care, or have people live with me for an extended time. I am the sort who would welcome a multi- generational household. I am worth being on good terms with, but they just can't/won't do it. And, therefore, I guess they can rely on someone else in old age and at this point, know next to nothing about their grandchildren.


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## J's Mombee (Aug 21, 2006)

I have the opposite. My MIL does initiate contact, and critiques over the telephone sometimes, depending upon her mood. I wish that she waited for us to call.

To the OP, if you begin initiating contact again, create a pattern... call at the end of the month (monthly), which is definitely not every week like they prefer. I dunno... and end your conversations with encouragement for them to call the kids or write the kids.


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## MamaJenese (Aug 14, 2006)

Over the past few years my relationship with my MIL has grown in leaps and bounds. She battles Bipolar disorder and in the beginning of our marriage went of her meds and refused help/therapy. It made for a very rocky relationship. For a while we needed to cut of contact for the emotional health of DH and for the safety of our LO. Since then she has taken charge of her illness and got much needed help. It began that I called her often and offered time with the kids as an affirmation that the healthy version of her was very welcome in our lives. Now we are great friends. I call her almost everyday and they visit as often as possible. All the strife in the beginning ended up leading to a very open and honest relationship. She knows that as long as she does her best (with our help always offered) to stay healthy and safe that she will always be a large part of our life. I value her greatly and am so proud of the changes she made in her life to have a loving full relationship with us and her grandchildren.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

My MIL is completely overbearing. Drives me nuts. She is the exact opposite of my mother so it's hard for me to tolerate her. She'll call if she hasn't seen my son in over a week because she's dying to see him. My mom doesn't call for at least a month because she doesn't want to "be a bother" she waits for me to call.

My mother is not girly (is that even a word?). She doesn't do shopping trips, gossip, do "girls only" trips, talk for hours on the phone or go see chick flicks with me. My MIL wants to do all that and since she has no daughters of her own she wants to do it with me. Um...no. She even told me to "keep having kids until you have a girl because boys don't ever call you back."


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kewb* 
My responsibility to my in-laws is to be polite and respectful when I see them.

I do not initiate contact, remind dh of birthdays, etc. They are his parents and they are his responsibility.

My ILs also live about 17 hours drive away. ALL I do is if it's been over a year since our last visit down there is make a list of upcoming dates when it would be a good time for me to take a break from work for 5-7 days, so we can go visit them.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kewb* 
My responsibility to my in-laws is to be polite and respectful when I see them.

I do not initiate contact, remind dh of birthdays, etc. They are his parents and they are his responsibility.


These are my thoughts as well. I am polite, but I'm never ever going to call up MIL and invite her over, if DH wants her over then he can do it.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

They're DH's parents and as such he is responsible for all presents, calling them, keeping them in the loop, etc. etc. I don't expect him to call up my mom and shoot the breeze with her and he doesn't expect me to do it with his. I'll ask him once in a while if he's called his parents lately or remind him that he should probably call but that's it. I will also buy the presents and ship them but he needs to tell me exactly what he wants to get them, I am not going to the store and figuring it out myself.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JBaxter* 
I have a good relationship with my IL's but I dont call near as much as I used to. My MIL upsets me sometimes. Im still "recovering" from their visit 6 months ago with I gave birth to my 4th son. I THOUGHT she was coming to help ( as my mom would have IF they wernt here) nope they acted as guests. My MIL is also very interested in my weight ( my own mother doesnt ask) I had a 10 lb baby.. NO Im not back in all my clothes. Its causing alot of stress so I just let DH handle his parents. They call he answers.

See, I would have told them to leave and would not have treated them at guests.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I married thinking it was going to be a bad in-law situation, but they really changed.

Don't know if it's permanent, but I am certainly enjoying it to the fullest while it lasts.

We don't see them a lot and I am usually the one who initiates contact and sets up time to meet, but I have always interpreted it as deference to our privacy and busy life. Also, they are busy, too.

I would love to move closer to them, but the only houses we could afford that are near them would be more in a city area and far away from DH's work.


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't have time at the moment to read the posts here, but I'm very interested in what everyone has to say. My first thoughts are this:

- Yes! I get all kinds of worked up about the whole idea that this stuff falls to us as women. Like thank you notes to his family and friends. If we get a gift, why is it expected that *I* write the thank you? DH is good at it, and I do write them too, but just the idea that it is assumed that I should write them all. Errrgh! And that if we miss a birthday it is ME that should have been on top of it.

- As for contact with your ILs. I look at it from a slightly different angle. When I was growing up my mother kept us distant from both families (hers and my father's) As children, my siblings and I felt that distance as a loss and now as adults we all make big efforts to keep contact with both families and we have developed strong bonds with them that just weren't there when we were small.
Now I don't think you are keeping your kids from their grandparents, of course you aren't. But maybe I'd decide on a time interval that I was comfortable with - once a month? And then once in that interval call/contact them on your kids' behalf. Or just initiate contact by suggesting to your kids that they call them.
It sounds like you live near the ILs so maybe this approach is more than you want to take on. (We grew up in a separate country from our family so my situation was extreme) I'd feel enormous frustration with your ILs and I'd not want to put forth the effort at all. But the one thing that might get me to do so would be to do so on behalf of the kids.


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

I am sick of being the one who puts in all of the effort regarding my in laws. Basically now, I do the bare minimum. If we see them, I try to behave myself. My mil drives me crazy. Can you say drama queen? Everything is all about herself and it's a non-stop pity party. I am just sick of it, so I do NOT like to initiate any kind of conversation with her, b/c it always turns around to be about herself and how awful her life is. My mil caused a lot of trouble during the first half of my marriage, and I don't think I can ever forgive her for it. She will even admit that the reason she was so meddlesome was b/c she HAS to be a big role in my DH's life, she sees me as the, "other" woman. So, I now leave my DH to deal with his mother and my mil seems to now realize that I'm no longer willing to put up with her crap.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
See, I would have told them to leave and would not have treated them at guests.

I really really like you.









I don't deal with my ILs past sending them a link when I update the online photo gallery. They live halfway across the country and I doubt I speak with them once a year on the phone and I've only met them in person once. We've been married almost three year and we've known one another for years before that. They have a mountain of issues I am just not going to deal with.


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

My MIL lives 4 blocks away. You'd think she'd be over all the time right? Nope. Back when we lived around the corner, she would *try* to guilt trip us when it had been awhile between visits, but gave that up after an exasperated hubby said "Mom, you live less than a block away; if you want to see us or the baby, walk over!" Her response? "I don't want to intrude." So, because I know that, I make it a point of calling her, inviting her over, or walking to visit her. And while she may not understand all of our parenting decisions, she respects them and does her best to honor them she she has lovey. I guess I really lucked out.









As for keeping in touch with anyone else, that's all on DH. He's usually the one reminding me to call my mother or find out how my nieces and nephews are doing.


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

i'm in the process of disengaging from my ILs







i used to be the one who tried to smooth things over between DH and MIL, did gift shopping, reminded him to call them etc.
MIL is ridiculously manipulative. FIL worked out of state 9 months out of the year when DH was growing up, and MIL used DH as a replacement husband. there was a long time when i actually suspected some kind of incestuous relationship (she always talks about how she would wake him up with back rubs, how they would hold hands when they were out and about etc.) but after going to a therapist together for ideas on how to deal with the ILs, i found out that it's called "emotional incest." where the parent uses the child to fulfill the emotional needs that the spouse doesn't meet.

DH is really good about it. he's really not a mama's boy, he stands up for me no matter what is going on. like when she called me shortly after we announced our new pregnancy and basically told me how when we got engaged, she didn't think it was going to work out, and that her home is HIS home, and no matter what happens he will always have a place there... um... thanks MIL! we're excited about the new baby too...









she stayed with us after DD's birth to "help." she cried soooo much because we were upstairs bonding/resting with our new baby instead of visiting with her. she only cooked dinner 3 times. two of those times it wasn't ready till 9pm.
this time my mom is staying with us (which was the plan from the beginning. i knew i would need more help when #2 came!) and DH told MIL that she can't stay at the house before or after the birth, because we want to get DD into a routine ASAP, and since she sees my mom every week, she'll be the best one to help. MIL went off the deep end... it would help if she could drive herself... but someone has to drive (6 hour round trip) to get her and take her home, because FIL doesn't want to be here. not that i mind... FIL wasn't here for DD's birth either!
FIL isn't much better than MIL. he's a grumpy alcoholic who can't stand any changes in his schedule. when we come to visit, and DD makes noise, he rolls his eyes and leaves the room. the last time they came to visit, he totally ignored me. which was actually an improvement over the time before that, when we got into it because we let the cats on the furniture... in our own house...









anyway, we only go up there about 3 times a year, but now we stay in a hotel (omg... THAT went over like a ton of bricks! "my own son doesn't want to stay at HIS house. WAHHHHHHHH") because we need a place to escape to when it gets to be too much.

so basically, the therapist said we've done as much as we can to make the relationship work, and now we need to focus on keeping ourselves happy.







it's sad.

ETA: DH has really just assimilated into my family. my family is in now way perfect, but my parents love DH (he actually fits in better with them than i do







) and he goes to them when he wants positive feedback. when he got a big promotion, my parents took us out to dinner to celebrate. when he told his mom, she totally ignored it because she was mad at him about staying in a hotel.







we celebrated DH's birthday with my parents this year. DH's mom didn't even call him. she said she "forgot." her only child's birthday.







:

i need to stop, because i could go on F O R E V E R!


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## prettymatty (Feb 2, 2009)

I had what I thought was a good start with my mil then after df & I moved in together after a year of dating I found out that she really didn't like me and had said a lot of hurtful things about me (because I was a single mom, she said I was using Kevin for his' money & car - umm, he had $18,000 in student loans, a piece of crap car, stuff like that). So yeah I completely backed off. I refused to have anything to do with her and would bad mouth her then I realized that I was hurting my df more than anything. I stopped bad mouthing her and just acted like she didn't exist. Then I got pregnant and realized that no matter what happens, she is still my dd's grandma.
My mil is very ocd about cleaning. I think partly because she doesn't want to seem like she's coming over to do nothing so she'll offer repeatedly to clean or something along those lines. It used to drive me up the wall, but I see it now as that if she wants to do dishes it keeps her happy & entertained and I don't have to do it lol.
I think we've reached an understanding of sorts. She knows I'm around for good and I've learned to just ignore the small petty stuff.
In regards to the kids she is AMAZING with my older daughter (who is not her biological granddaughter) and not so great with the baby (she is sooo NOT maternal at all). She is trying hard to bond with the baby now cause I think Kevin has made a few comments to her. She is allowed to come over here & babysit Meray but not the baby. We will not take the kids over to her house because she smokes like a steam engine and has two cats (I have bad allergies to both) on top of the fact that second hand smoke is bad for kids. She complains a lot that we dont' come to visit and we just repeat ourselves about the smoke and how her smoking outside for 24 hours b4 our visit doesn't help. Kevin finally told his mom that she can come over & visit if she wants to see us that bad because it's the same distance from her place to ours and she has more spare time than we do!


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamarootoo* 

so basically, the therapist said we've done as much as we can to make the relationship work, and now we need to focus on keeping ourselves happy.







it's sad.

We got to this point last year without going to therapy. 9 years of trying has made us unhappy and it hasn't made them happy either so there is no point.

I don't call them and the one time MIL has called us in the past year she called dh on his work mobile. SIL also won't call our house phone.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

Im lucky to have a great relationship with my in-laws as well. I do e-mail them or remind DH to call them weekly. I don't call because I honestly despise the phone. I don't even call DH if I can e-mail him instead. I haven't called my own family in a month, before that it was 6 months.
I do try to send them regular pictures of the girls. We don't visit them though since its a 5000 mile trip and extremely expensive. When we move back to the states Im sure we will see more of each other. While we lived in California they visited us 6-7 times (they lived in New Jersey) during the time we were married, we visited them once for a family reunion. My MIL can't wait for us to come back so she can spend more time with us and the children. Its really hard on her to have us so far away. My FIL is awesome. When DH calls he insists he wants to talk to me instead. Not to be mean to DH but because he wants to make sure Im ok. Hes gotten on DH's case about helping me if hes on the phone with DH and the girls start to cry.

I don't know if its my "responsibility" but its my pleasure and privilege to consider them family. I adore them and they are like parents to me. My grandma/grandpa in-law are really great as well and I make sure to keep in regular contact with them as well as my aunt-in-law. My SILs are pills sometimes but I will send them pictures of the girls so DH doesn't have to hear about it.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I have a hard time dealing with the bulk of responsibility for getting together with MIL being on our end. I believe from things she's said and stories from dh that she 'doesn't bother us too much' because of her more meddlesome MIL, but she pulls a lot of these "I never get to see you" "you never come over" "I'll never get to take you anywhere" when talking to dd and that really bothers me. As does her preference to watch her without either of us around (no idea what would be so constraining to come over and hang out with dd while I'm home too - bigger help to us than offering to babysit so we can go out IMO anyway, should probably mention that more).

Anyway, I believe that if what you want is a more reciprocal relationship you can't 'make' someone do it, but the more attention you bring to it my making your wishes known the more likely they'll end up coming around. That's what we're trying out anyway.







I don't know what would be so hard about calling us and saying 'hey, why don't you come over this weekend'. So we end up seeing MIL maybe every 2-3 months though she lives about 20 minutes away. She usually calls dh, not our house to talk to me except occasionally. I'm friendly with her & I'm up for more, but can't handle the bulk of planning myself. Usually this means that me and dh go over to see her at her home. I leave dh to calling regularly & that, and do the bulk of that for my family. If she used computers I'd likely email & send pictures from time to time (I do that with his siblings & did that with his dad) but she doesn't. I did have dd make valentines & we mailed them, so that's the sort of thing I do on behalf of dd.


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

I am partly responsible for ensuring that my in-laws have access to developing a relationship with my children and vice versa. That my children's father is no longer with us and that my in-laws live overseas obviously heightens my responsibility level in this regard, but so long as they want a relationship with my kids I can't imagine that my responsibility would entirely dissipate were the situation different. I don't have to like them, I don't have to look upon them like close family or like friends, etc, etc, etc, but I do have to make enough effort so as to not be making a display of pushing them away.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 
I am blessed to have a great relationship with my ILs, but my own GRANDMOTHER is exactly that way - complains about not seeing us/getting pictures, but never initiates contact. Honestly, I have decided she's not worth it - she was an absent grandmother, now she's an absent great-grandmother, and I prefer to put my energy into the family members who give something back.


My grandmother isn't absent, but I wish she was. A few years ago she moved to the area to be near my mom and she has just about ruined everything. She is an awful woman who I really could care less if I see or not. All she does is say I am fat, my hair is ugly, etc...She NEVER has anything nice to say to me. I have to see her next weekend and would rather see my IL's any day than her. I am her ONLY granddaughter and she treats me like dirt







:. My DH's g-ma is the nicest, sweetest most wonderful lady in the world. My MIL is also wonderful and tells me she loves me all the time. I don't even know if I ever have heard those words from my g-ma ever. She writes it on a card, but that is easier to do than say it. I have been pissed at her since last fall when she said my DD needed to be checked for ADD because she is 2 and doesn't want to sit still







.....That actually made my MIL so mad, and she is one sweet lady-it takes a lot to make her mad.

My G-ma had to be told recently by my mom that no one wants to see her because everyone thinks she's a mean person. She complains that she never gets to see any of her great-grandchildren, but when she does see them they all have some thing wrong with them mentally. She is the one with mental problems. Ugh....


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

I feel very strongly that I don't have any responsibility in particular to dh's relatives, and I've put a lot of effort into bucking the sexist expectations of our culture. It's a bit of a difficult situation because my (elderly, widowed, ill) MIL could use a lot of help and dh's relatives have pinned me into a corner more than once to ask me, "what are you going to do about Margaret?" Umm, nothing, she's not MY mother, and she's still a competent adult so she gets to decide. It's difficult to watch her make bad decisions (or indefinitely postphone making decisions that need to be made) but that doesn't give me or anyone the right to take control of her life.

That said, I consider it my reponsibility to dh to support _his_ relationship and responsibilities with his family, and my responsibility to dc to support his relationship with his grandmother, so to that end I wind up doing a fair bit of facilitating visits, helping with errands and doctor's appointments, etc. I'm still doing waaay less than other relatives think I should, but I feel like I've found a good medium for supporting my immediate family and defining my own boundaries.

Ultimately, my goal is for dc to have both healthy family relationships and a healthy model for relationships--which means NOT one in which the women do all the work!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I see my responsibility as supporting my dh in his relationship with his mother (his father died about 15 years ago). The major responsibility is his. My job is to be pleasant and understanding when needed, to make sure that I'm flexible when we go to visit family so that dh can spend time with his family.

That being said, I may be the only DIL on the planet who wishes my MIL came to visit more! She's afraid of intruding or being overbearing. I love my MIL - she's a lot less work than my mother. She's interesting, helpful and my kids love her too. (I love my mother too, but she's not nearly as much help.) Unfortunately, we live 1500 miles away, and she didn't like to travel alone, so she didn't visit that much. Now she's got cancer, and I'm not sure that she'll ever be back out here to visit us.

I don't do presents/birthdays for his side of the family. That's his job. I do a Christmas letter, and I update the website with our kids pictures, but that benefits both sides of the family. I make sure I send out e-mails whenever I update the website, and I send anecdotes when I feel like it. Dh calls his mom regularly, and she calls here regularly too. If I pick up the phone and dh isn't there, we'll have a nice chat.

My mother always told me: Treat your mother in law like you want treated when your kids get married. They learn a lot by watching you. It's true. Now, obviously if your MIL is unstable/toxic, then how you treat her will have to take that into account. But you can still avoid badmouthing your ILs and keep your explanations to your kids pretty neutral.


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## Purple Sage (Apr 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hokulele* 
- Yes! I get all kinds of worked up about the whole idea that this stuff falls to us as women. Like thank you notes to his family and friends. If we get a gift, why is it expected that *I* write the thank you? DH is good at it, and I do write them too, but just the idea that it is assumed that I should write them all. Errrgh! And that if we miss a birthday it is ME that should have been on top of it.


I could not have said it better. My MIL thinks that I should be responsible for all of this, and if something doesn't happen to her standards then I'm the one she calls to complain to. Her son is just as capable of calling his own grandmother as I am - why is it my responsibility?? Dh never, ever calls anyone in my family and no one says a word, so why am I expected to be the one primarily responsible for keeping in touch with his family?

It especially bothers me because I have a bit of social anxiety and do not like to talk on the phone, much less initiate the phone call.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I have a nice relationship with my ILs, but I do agree that daughters-in-law have much more expected of them than sons-in-law do. I don't know if it goes along with the traditional way that women have been the ones who maintain social stuff within a family or what, but I think DILs are definitely expected to interact their MILs on a level that sons-in-law just aren't.

I'm sure my BIL has never called our MIL just to chat, ever, and I'm also sure that that's perfectly fine with her, but if I suddenly stopped calling her she'd wonder if something was the matter. Luckily I enjoy calling every once in a while, but my DH has never called my mom just to chat, and no one expects him to, and I do think that dynamic is a little odd.


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## filiadeluna (Oct 2, 2007)

My ILs live on the other side of the country, so other than calling them once in awhile & updating them on our new DD, I don't feel any particular obligations to them.







They are great people, and I enjoy it when they visit or when we visit them, but we generally only see them once or twice a year. They may start visiting more frequently now that they have a granddaughter, though. That's fine with me as long as they don't overstay their welcome, and are willing to help out with stuff (not just hold the baby).


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I don't do anything. I let dh handle his family and I handle mine.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kewb* 
My responsibility to my in-laws is to be polite and respectful when I see them.

I do not initiate contact, remind dh of birthdays, etc. They are his parents and they are his responsibility. .

That's how I am. Honestly, it has never occurred to me in nearly 12 years of marriage that I have any responsibility to orchestrate dh's relationship with his family, simply because I'm a woman. This is a very odd notion. They are his parents, not mine. If they send me a present, I write a thank you. I help the kids write thank you cards to them, too. That's common courtesy. But that's all.

Now of course, I'll help dh brainstorm birthday present ideas for his mom or sister, or if we're at a craft fair I might say, "Hm, isn't MIL's birthday in a few months? Maybe we can find something for her." And he will do the same about my mom. But that's more us being partners, not taking on each other's responsibility to remember family occasions.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I know sexism must come into play in some ways, but seriously, my dw and I are in a same-sex relationship and we still play around with a lot of the dynamics many of you are reporting. I think there is something beyond sexism also working into these dynamics.

momtokea, my ILs do initiate contact, or at least hold up their end of the bargain in regard to contact. However, I have very little in common with my ILs and I find my MIL has learned (for survival reasons, but that is another story) a passive-aggressive approach to the world. I find her very subtle but constant insults extremely tiring, and over the years, I have begun to lose patience with that. Also, she says some very offensive things in front of my kids, and I have completely lost my tolerance. These days, I try to just be supportive of dw's relationship with her mother without taking over responsibility for that. But I think my main responsibility is just to be as polite as I can in any given moment with my parents-in-law. I'm starting to realize that this doesn't mean staying silent when she says offensive things in front of or to my children.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I used to be the gatekeeper, the one to bring the kids to visit and send pics. But honestly, it was never appreciated, heck, no one ever even said thanks. A few years ago when dd was born they visited in Sept., Nov., and twice in December. At Christmas mil complained that they were the ones doing all the visiting and it wasn't "fair" that they always had to come to us. Um, new baby, 5 year old and a 2 hour drive, or two adults and a 16 year old....who should make more trips???

At that time I stopped caring and stopped visting when I was in town. They never see us now.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

I just wrote this on another thread but I stopped making any effort when after my marriage my MIL wrote me a letter telling me that it was the DILs responsibility to have a good relationship with her MIL. She hoped that I would make the effort because it would hurt her if her relationship with her son was ruined. That made me so disgusted that from that point on I never called, answered the phone or wrote to her. Dh was responsible for anything regarding his parents. I can't stand my MIL she is a horrid woman.

Now my SIL and BIL#2 I would happily do things for. I think they are all very nice and BIL's family are great. Dh's oldest brother hates me but also expects me to form a relationship with his wife. I've only met her once and she seemed nice but I don't know her at all. BIL got mad with my dh once because dh took in upon himself to call BIL to get size info for his nephew over the holidays. BIL told dh to grow a set and have me call his wife. I didn't even know that dh called his brother about sizes.









I think it's total crap that the DIL is expected to cultivate a relationship with her ILs but the Son in law is just supposed to show up for family gatherings. Totally not cool. I wouldn't expect my dh to deal with my family just because he married me. My family, my responsibility. Thank God dh feels the same way about his family.


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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

I used to try to remind dh to call every few weeks, but after FIL and MIL didn't even send a 1st birthday card or Christmas card for ds I stopped bothering...it made that decision quite easy!


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## angelachristin (Apr 13, 2007)

Right now, about the only responsibility I can think of as a DIL is not to just go off totally and tell my MIL what I really think about her. As you might guess, none of it is complimentary. It's to the point it's hard for me to be in the same room with her. If I can remain icily silent, that's as good as she is going to get.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

momtokea - I'm in the same boat as you.

Ten years ago when exdp and I were dating, then started our family, I initiated contact all the time. Calling MIL and FIL, inviting them over (they live about 45 minutes away), sending pictures, getting my dd1 to call them...

No more. Dp and I are now separated, pending divorce, but about a year ago I stopped. I have a rock solid relationship with my family, am super close to my sibs and parents... it's not my job to facilitate theirs.

Now that we're no longer together, I would never be difficult or make it hard for them to see their grandkids (much like Liquesce stated) but I don't think of them overly fondly or have any desire to be close and/or casual.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
So I've been thinking about this lately (kind of a s/o to another post here a few days ago) and I've been wondering how it works for other families. Do you feel you have any responsibilities or obligations to your inlaws?
I mean, for me, I've been married for 13 years and it seems to have changed quite a bit over the years. Basically I've become a very hands-off, nonchalant DIL. This is very different to how I started off my marriage. I really wanted a good relationship with my dh's family and I worked hard at making that happen. For the past couple of years, due to some issues, I have completely changed. I used to invite them over regularly, remind dh to call his mom, take over the birthday gift shopping, initiate contact with them, etc. etc. Now I do nothing. I really don't give the slightest hoot if I never see them again. They rarely initiate contact with us, but they do want to see us regularly and will complain if it's been a while (over a week!), but they never do anything about it themselves. When dh does get around to calling them mil will give him grief over how they haven't seen us, blah, blah, but they never call to invite us. They want contact from the kids, like phone calls, but they never call the kids themselves.

Should I just suck it up and start initiating contact like I use to? Or just leave things as is and take absolutely no responsibility for it? And, really, why are we as women expected to take on this responsibility?? My dh doesn't initiate contact with my parents, ever, and noone expects him to. He happily comes to my parents house when we go and is very pleasant and polite to them, but that is all he is expected to do.

What are your thoughts? How does it work with you?

I have no idea what to tell you. I have always gotten along with my in-laws. In fact, my kids tell me that my mil is my best friend. When the girls were babies, my mil was my life line when dh was gone for weeks on business. I could pack up the girls and camp out at the in-laws house and give over the responsiblity of parenting to my mil. When my fil died, my mil started going to my mom's house for Easter. Thanksgiving she divided between her other son and my mom's house. Christmas day, we alternate with my bil and his wife. When mil gave up driving 5-6 years ago, dh and I became her drivers. We go grocery shopping together every week. Whatever errands we need done are done together.

The family joke is that in the case of a divorce, I got fil for my lawyer and got mil in the settlement. Now, of course, that is out of the question since fil died 16 years ago.

Depending on the age of your in-laws, you might just have to suck it up and make all the contacts yourself. Your dh might not have been raised to expect to make those contacts himself. And the only way that your kids have to make those connections to their grandparents is through you.


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## greenmansions (Feb 16, 2005)

My DH deals with his family - they pretty much only speak on birthdays and Christmas, but as others have said that's a two way street and both sides seem OK with the lack of frequency in contact. They all live a plane ride away. I used to not like MIL much as she is not very helpful when she visits and she loves to give advice, which is annoying. As the years have gone by and she is aging, I see her differently and now try harder to get along better when we do see her - only every other year or so. DH's dad passed away long ago, so I don't have a FIL.

I deal with my family. We speak at least once a week, they call to talk to the kids, we Skype, etc. They also live across the country from us. DH does not like my mom - she is a passive agressive, poor me type, but she genuinely likes him and tries hard with him. DH liked my dad a lot, but he passed away recently.

I told his side of the family that our arrangement was that he takes care of his side and I take care of mine, so that means he calls, he buys gifts, he writes cards, etc etc. Not my fault if it does not get done, tho I do remind him if I remember.

One Christmas a couple years ago, DH bought cameras for all his family's computers so they could Skype with the kids. Only MIL even bothered to set it up, but it hasn't made her call more often. It is nice for her to see the kids tho when she does.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
That's how I am. Honestly, it has never occurred to me in nearly 12 years of marriage that I have any responsibility to orchestrate dh's relationship with his family, simply because I'm a woman. This is a very odd notion. They are his parents, not mine. If they send me a present, I write a thank you. I help the kids write thank you cards to them, too. That's common courtesy. But that's all.

Now of course, I'll help dh brainstorm birthday present ideas for his mom or sister, or if we're at a craft fair I might say, "Hm, isn't MIL's birthday in a few months? Maybe we can find something for her." And he will do the same about my mom. But that's more us being partners, not taking on each other's responsibility to remember family occasions.

This is me, exactly. My ILs are fine people and I don't mind spending time with them, but it's DH's responsibility to maintain contact. My MIL does tend to get overly dramatic and pull guilt trips from time to time, but she puts it all on DH. Early in our relationship I told him it was his responsibility to call or visit them and that I'd be flexible for whatever arrangements he made. That seems to have worked out fine. And when he slacks and doesn't call her, he hears about it. . .and DH knows better than to tell me about it because I honestly don't want to hear it. Thankfully MIL doesn't call me up and complain, otherwise I'd give her an earful. She seems to agree that their relationship is between her and her son and if he's lazy and doesn't call her, she knows it's him and not me.

Now, occasionally I'll do the same thing you do and suggest a birthday present if I see something I think she'd like, but I do that to help DH out because he's lousy at choosing gifts. But in now way, shape, or form would I actually _buy_ the gift for DH unless he asked me because it was more convenient for me to do it, etc. And occasionally I'll remind DH to call his mom of it's been a while, but I don't nag him (one reminder is enough, I figure) and I would certainly not call her myself because he hasn't. Now, I don't go out of my way to avoid her, either. If there's something specific she needs from me (like if I need to get back to her on gift ideas for myself), I'll just call her up and tell her. . I won't make DH orchestrate our relationship either.

The same goes for him and my side of the family. I talk to my mom all the time, so DH doesn't have to remind me or anything. But my parents do a lot of babysitting for us. If I happen to be in school and DH needs to pick the kids up from their house, but is running late, then I expect him to call them up and talk to them. He's not always fond of talking on the phone (he just hates the phone), but I expect him to work it out with them if picking up the kids is his responsibility.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kewb* 
My responsibility to my in-laws is to be polite and respectful when I see them.

I do not initiate contact, remind dh of birthdays, etc. They are his parents and they are his responsibility.

This.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
Do you feel you have any responsibilities or obligations to your inlaws?

Nope, none at all.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
I really wanted a good relationship with my dh's family and I worked hard at making that happen.

So did I.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
For the past couple of years, due to some issues, I have completely changed. Now I do nothing. I really don't give the slightest hoot if I never see them again.

Same here.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
They rarely initiate contact with us.

Replace rarely with never for my situation.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
When dh does get around to calling them mil will give him grief over how they haven't seen us, blah, blah, but they never call to invite us. They want contact from the kids, like phone calls, but they never call the kids themselves.

Same

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
Should I just suck it up and start initiating contact like I use to?

No.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
Or just leave things as is and take absolutely no responsibility for it?

Yes, they know how to use a phone, right?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
And, really, why are we as women expected to take on this responsibility??

I don't feel it's my duty. They're not my parents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
My dh doesn't initiate contact with my parents, ever, and no one expects him to.

My husband has occasionally called my mom (even though they don't like each other) if he needed to ask her a question pertaining to plans he wanted to make.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
He happily comes to my parents house when we go and is very pleasant and polite to them, but that is all he is expected to do.

My husband comes, not happily, and isn't necessarily pleasant or polite, but then, he's not a pleasant or polite person to anyone.

If the grandparents want to see their grandchildren at certain times for certain reasons, they need to voice those thoughts. It's called communication. It sounds to me what your in laws (and mine) are doing is passive aggressive. They don't do anything to achieve what they want, then complain later they don't get what they want. There comes a point in one's life that one should no longer act like children. My parents live just as far away from us as do my in laws. My parents come try to visit us once a week because they want to be a part of my daughters' lives. They call first to make known what day/time works for them and to make sure it works for us, if not, we reschedule. My in laws never call but when my husband calls them, they whine about how we never go out to see them!? yet when told they can come visit us anytime as long as they call first, they say, well, it's too far to drive, or they're too busy, or whatever.


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## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

In the beginning of our marriage, I thought it was my job to be quiet and take all the abuse they heaped upon me. For instance, telling my husband and I that they hoped I miscarried during our first pregnancy, because a baby would ruin his life. Or how about the temper tantrum FIL threw at a restaurant when he learned we would not be naming our son after him? Or the time we called to update them about our daughter in the NICU, and they interrupted us to talk about the weather? Or the time we went to visit them, and they had pictures of my husband and his ex sitting on the night stand of the bedroom we were staying in?

They are extremely toxic people, and it took our marriage nearly ending over their games for my husband to realize it. We haven't seen them since 2000, and we rarely speak to them. In fact, the last time we spoke to them was after pulling our credit report, and seeing that they had taken out a loan using my husband's name. We've been married over 12 years.

I wish that we had a better relationship with them, but not at the expense of my marriage or my childrens' well-being. I did try, very hard, with them for the sake of my husband.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FiveLittleMonkeys* 
In the beginning of our marriage, I thought it was my job to be quiet and take all the abuse they heaped upon me. For instance, *telling my husband and I that they hoped I miscarried during our first pregnancy, because a baby would ruin his life.* Or how about the temper tantrum FIL threw at a restaurant when he learned we would not be naming our son after him? *Or the time we called to update them about our daughter in the NICU, and they interrupted us to talk about the weather? Or the time we went to visit them, and they had pictures of my husband and his ex sitting on the night stand of the bedroom we were staying in?*

They are extremely toxic people, and it took our marriage nearly ending over their games for my husband to realize it. We haven't seen them since 2000, and we rarely speak to them. *In fact, the last time we spoke to them was after pulling our credit report, and seeing that they had taken out a loan using my husband's name.* We've been married over 12 years.

I wish that we had a better relationship with them, but not at the expense of my marriage or my childrens' well-being. I did try, very hard, with them for the sake of my husband.

Holy cow! That is really really awful.







I don't think that my mil would even be that mean. Wow.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Remember, whatever you do will set the standard for your children and what they do in the future. If you fold to their insults and start kissing up to them and calling them and being the one 100% responsible for attempting to make them happy, then you will be teaching your children to be used and think they are responsible for other people's happiness. I think you need to tell them that the phone lines run both ways. Remind them that you were the last one who called, visited, etc. Then, even state that if this is how they are going to speak to you, that you will be hanging up now and then do hang up. Tell them you can speak to them when they are feeling better. You can even tell them that you are not responsible for their feelings or emotions. But also, do not allow them to engage you in long discussions on this stuff. You want your children to learn to walk away from abusive situations and things like this. Not to sit and entertain the person by allowing the person to continue to argue.

Good luck!


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

The thought of having 'responsibilities' as a DIL kinda gets up my nose: I married DH, not his parents, and I rebel against the thought of having a familial relationship with people who aren't my family. But that's not a very nice attitude, so I'm working on it.







We're very civil but don't particularly enjoy each other's company, so that's fine; they visit occasionally, we invite them for dinner occasionally (and I do usually initiate that), and in between we stay out of each others' way. I'm lucky that MIL and FIL always call before coming over, which gives me time to pretend I'm a better housekeeper than I am.









I do help a bit with presents and such, because DH is hopeless at that sort of thing! MIL is into owls, so if I see something owly I'll buy it or make a note of it... stuff like that. I do insist he writes his own thankyou notes, though!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
I really wanted a good relationship with my dh's family and I worked hard at making that happen.

<snip>

Now I do nothing. I really don't give the slightest hoot if I never see them again. They rarely initiate contact with us, but they do want to see us regularly and will complain if it's been a while (over a week!), but they never do anything about it themselves. When dh does get around to calling them mil will give him grief over how they haven't seen us, blah, blah, but they never call to invite us. They want contact from the kids, like phone calls, but they never call the kids themselves.

<snip>

Should I just suck it up and start initiating contact like I use to? Or just leave things as is and take absolutely no responsibility for it? And, really, why are we as women expected to take on this responsibility??

I haven't read past this, yet, but I picked out the parts I'm answering.

You worked hard to make it happen, and it didn't. IMO, there's nothing you can do about that.

We have one relative like this - my dad. He's affectionate with the kids, and always willing to have us over to visit, but he _never_ initiates contact himself. He doesn't initiate contact with either of my siblings or with his mom, either. He leaves that to everyone else.

I see him occasionally, and I'll call him if I happen to be in the mood. If he chooses to complain about how long it's been (he doesn't do that much), I'll simply reply with something like "well, I've had the same phone number for over 17 years, so I'm pretty sure you could reach me if you wanted to". End of discussion.

I don't think it's a woman's job. I think it's traditionally been a woman's job to maintain this kind of thing, because a) she was seen as more social than her spouse, and b) she was probably home with kids, and looking after the house, and this kind of thing fell into that category. The world is different.

In any case, I don't think it even matters if one is a woman or a man. The bottom line to me is that I'm always willing to meet people half-way. If they never bother to get there with me, eventually, I'll stop. I'm not going to waste my life getting halfway to _nowhere_ over and over and over again, yk? I used to make an effort with my dad...until I realized that our relationship consisted of me making an effort, and him accepting the visit, meal, whatever. If he's not going to make any effort, the relationship isn't very important to him...so I'll focus on the people who do make me a priority.

In my case, that includes my in-laws. They're wonderful. When I'm not too screwed up (depression, fatigue, etc.), I pick out good pics of the kids to send my MIL whenever I upload photos from the camera. I send her emails about what's going on in our lives. We talk on the phone. We have an annual visit (usually them coming here right now, as airfare for FIL & MIL is a _lot_ less than airfare for me, dh, ds1, dd and ds2!). They're good people, and they're always willing to put in the necessary effort to keep the relationship alive. So...we do, too.


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## sweetfructose (Aug 6, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hokulele* 
- Yes! I get all kinds of worked up about the whole idea that this stuff falls to us as women. Like thank you notes to his family and friends. If we get a gift, why is it expected that *I* write the thank you? DH is good at it, and I do write them too, but just the idea that it is assumed that I should write them all. Errrgh! And that if we miss a birthday it is ME that should have been on top of it.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *lemongrass* 
I could not have said it better. My MIL thinks that I should be responsible for all of this, and if something doesn't happen to her standards then I'm the one she calls to complain to. Her son is just as capable of calling his own grandmother as I am - why is it my responsibility?? Dh never, ever calls anyone in my family and no one says a word, so why am I expected to be the one primarily responsible for keeping in touch with his family?

It especially bothers me because I have a bit of social anxiety and do not like to talk on the phone, much less initiate the phone call.

















to both messages!


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

Sometimes I feel like the world's worst DIL. My MIL sucks the life out of me. Truly. I mean, she wants me to talk to her on the phone for two hours every day, and I am sorry, but I don't have that much free time and I don't have that much to say to you!

She told me that when I get pregnant she is picking the doctor I will see and she will force me to have a hospital birth like she wants, etc.







: (And no, I never mentioned wanting to have a homebirth, I mentioned my friend had her baby at home and this set her off- fwiw I never intended to try a homebirth because my BP is too high and I am know I will be high risk, which makes her tirade even more bizarre).

But I used to do everything she asked, was pretty much at her beck in call. But then I stopped. So she went to my parents house, cried a lot and told my Father that I treated her like a sub-human.







And she said that DH and I never go to her house for dinner anymore- we missed one family dinner









And I haven't talked to her since.

I just can't deal with her right now. She seems to get incredibly jealous if I spend a day with my own Mother. She just truly sucks the energy out of me, and I decided to set boundaries before we have kids, because you know it will only get worse later.

And you know my Mother doesn't call my DH everyday. And my MIL calls me up to FIVE times a day. I mean, my Mom calls and when DH answers they will chat, but it is not like she is forcing him to drive her everywhere and to talk to her for 2 hours, etc. Luckily my DH knows how annoying his Mom is and does not bother me about not talking/seeing her at the moment.

Sorry for the rant







I have been needing to get this off of my chest! And any input is welcome too


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## ghannit (Apr 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *not now* 
My MIL is completely overbearing. Drives me nuts. She is the exact opposite of my mother so it's hard for me to tolerate her. She'll call if she hasn't seen my son in over a week because she's dying to see him. My mom doesn't call for at least a month because she doesn't want to "be a bother" she waits for me to call.

My mother is not girly (is that even a word?). She doesn't do shopping trips, gossip, do "girls only" trips, talk for hours on the phone or go see chick flicks with me. My MIL wants to do all that and since she has no daughters of her own she wants to do it with me. Um...no. She even told me to "keep having kids until you have a girl because boys don't ever call you back."









Irritating... but makes me so sad for her. Perhaps because I have a daughter, and I have such a close relationship with my own mother.

My partners mother is all talk, only some walk. She has my open offer to she her only granddaughter (she also has only sons herself) any time she wishes. She lives about ten minutes away from me. She is more of an occasional family dinner person however. Her lifestyle interferes with daily childcare.

I am content to initiate, but not to the point that I am drained. I never want to look back and feel that I was not of help in establishing my dd's family relationships.

If MIL's have issues, let them have them I say. I don't want to respond in kind.


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## Savoury (Oct 20, 2008)

I don't understand a lot of these responses. I mean, if your in-laws are toxic, then you should have no responsibility to them nor should you strive for some relationship with them but in a normal average relationship why shouldn't you have some responsibility?

I married my partner and with him comes his family. His family is my family. My family is his family. I have almost as much responsibility to his family as I do mine and vice versa. I don't see how this is bad?

Now I am blessed to get along wonderfully with his family (every single one of them) and we are all close. And he gets along so well with my family. He could go out for a night on the town with any single member of my family and not blink an eye. I often take the kids to his family's engagements by myself if he can't make it without batting an eyelash. I think it is both of our duty to do this. For each other and for our kids.

My MIL is one of my best friends because we have both worked hard at making it so. And his siblings are just like my siblings. MIL even introduces SIL and myself as sisters, which I think is wonderful.

Now I am not saying we have never had bumps in the road. We are both the oldest and the first to have children so no one understood my extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping cding, non-vaxing parenting ideals but they came around. They were nervous about the homebirths but we kept an open discussion to explain the process but we also said it wasn't open to discussion or pressure to change the homebirths. We stand firm on our parenting choices and have made that clear to the in-laws. My family has always been more open to our lifestyle and parenting (seeing as that was how I was raised) so we haven't had to deal with them.

And sometimes they drive me nuts! But so does my own family. And I am sure I drive them nuts too


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Savoury* 
I don't understand a lot of these responses. I mean, if your in-laws are toxic, then you should have no responsibility to them nor should you strive for some relationship with them but in a normal average relationship why shouldn't you have some responsibility?

I married my partner and with him comes his family. His family is my family. My family is his family. I have almost as much responsibility to his family as I do mine and vice versa. I don't see how this is bad?

Now I am blessed to get along wonderfully with his family (every single one of them) and we are all close. And he gets along so well with my family. He could go out for a night on the town with any single member of my family and not blink an eye. I often take the kids to his family's engagements by myself if he can't make it without batting an eyelash. I think it is both of our duty to do this. For each other and for our kids.

My MIL is one of my best friends because we have both worked hard at making it so. And his siblings are just like my siblings. MIL even introduces SIL and myself as sisters, which I think is wonderful.

Now I am not saying we have never had bumps in the road. We are both the oldest and the first to have children so no one understood my extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping cding, non-vaxing parenting ideals but they came around. They were nervous about the homebirths but we kept an open discussion to explain the process but we also said it wasn't open to discussion or pressure to change the homebirths. We stand firm on our parenting choices and have made that clear to the in-laws. My family has always been more open to our lifestyle and parenting (seeing as that was how I was raised) so we haven't had to deal with them.

And sometimes they drive me nuts! But so does my own family. And I am sure I drive them nuts too









I agree. In reading this thread, it seems to me that there is an expectation that the in-laws should have automaticly become family at the wedding. That is not the case. It's a relationship that must be cutivated and worked at, just like any other. Other than the one or two mils (the one who battled bi-polar, for example), I haven't read of true toxic mils. Only ones that perhaps wouldn't be in your life if you had married someone else. But spouses do come with families. And I firmly believe that one is obligated to make every effort (even if it is only one sided) to have a relationship with them. And I'm speaking from boths sides of the relationship. I'm both a dil and the mil to 2 sils.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 
And I firmly believe that one is obligated to make every effort (even if it is only one sided) to have a relationship with them.

To each their own. I don't do that with my own family, let alone dh's. Life is way too short to waste my time trying to cultivate relationships that don't exist...and if I'm the one making all the effort, the relationship doesn't exist, imo.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
To each their own. I don't do that with my own family, let alone dh's. Life is way too short to waste my time trying to cultivate relationships that don't exist...and if I'm the one making all the effort, the relationship doesn't exist, imo.

Exactly! If only one party is making the effort, then a true relationship doesn't exist. You can make all the effort you want, but you can't force the other party to be receptive.


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## madsommer (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 
And I firmly believe that one is obligated to make every effort (even if it is only one sided) to have a relationship with them.

I think it depends on each person's own limits. I have gotten to the point in my life where I don't feel the need to cultivate relationships with people whom on any other occassion I would not associate. I'm very very close to my own family, and I have a few close friends. DHs mother is toxic...when neither of her own siblings have a relationship with her and neither of her two children have a close relationship with her - those are obvious red flags that I need to stay away too! And after another disrespectful encounter this weekend, I've thrown in the towel. I don't appreciate being degraded and disrespected, no matter who it is.


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## greenmansions (Feb 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
Exactly! If only one party is making the effort, then a true relationship doesn't exist. You can make all the effort you want, but you can't force the other party to be receptive.

This is so true. My MIL makes minimal effort to have a relationship with any of us, even DH. She calls on birthdays and that's it, unless she is having computer problems and then she calls for help. We have lived here for 10 years, she has visited 4 times and three of those times we scheduled her trip and paid for the ticket. Two of these visits have been in the 5 years since we had kids. I have written her nice long email letters detailing things like our wedding plans, later what the kids are up to and never have I gotten any response. Last time I bought her airline tickets, I e-ticketed her, and she never let me know that she had gotten them. When we have visited her, I've asked her why she does not reply, or call us more often. She shrugged her shoulders and said that it was not the way she is. She is the one missing out - DH is wonderful and interesting, and so are her grandchildren.

I feel bad for DH and our kids that there is so little interest in them from his side of the family. Three years ago, he bought his MIL and his 3 sibs cameras for their computers so we could Skype, and only MIL installed hers, not that it prompts her to call any more frequently.

What can you do? They are just not a very close knit family, and they are content with the level of contact they all have. Not my place to get into it. I am plenty busy with my own side of the family, where everyone keeps in frequent contact and twice yearly visits, calls, checks in on us and our kids. There is no comparison in the level of effort made, I could list many examples.

(Note everyone lives far away - need to fly - only my mom is local and she just moved here 6 months ago to be nearer to us.)


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamafreya* 
BIL got mad with my dh once because dh took in upon himself to call BIL to get size info for his nephew over the holidays. BIL told dh to grow a set and have me call his wife.

WTH? That's twisted!


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## SmoothieMom (Feb 12, 2009)

I do not like my MIL, never did, never will - I see her as little as possible. Dh keeps the peace, she just knows how to push my buttons and I will never live up to the kind of woman she wanted for her little boy.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
WTH? That's twisted!

Yeah, I know. This BIL really has issues. He is very sexist and opinionated. I have no idea how dh and he can even be related.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I will remind my partner of his parents' birthdays, and I will ask how they are/if he's spoken to them recently. That's as far as I'll go.

His mom used to hang out with my mom and I on Saturdays -- we'd all go out for Japanese food and shopping. That stopped several years ago (almost five now!) and I am pretty disengaged from her at this point. We make polite conversation when we are together, but that's really it.

My partner goes through phases of talking to his parents a lot and then not talking to them at all for awhile -- they rarely initiate, so eventually he gets fed up and decides to see how long it will take to hear from them. He does the same thing with his brother.

Ultimately, it's his family, not mine. How he interacts with them is up to him, it's not my job to facilitate.


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## amandaleigh37 (Jul 13, 2006)

When we were first married, DH's grandmother sent him a birthday card with a check. When he didn't send a thank you note within the next week, MIL spoke to ME about making sure that the grandmother got a thank you note. Umm. Last I checked, DH is capable of picking up a pen himself. This really ticked me off.

Since DS was born though, things have become very bad between us - she is very unstable and says and does inappropriate things. It doesn't matter how politely we address them, any mention of anything sends the family into chaos. So we avoid them as much as we can. Even still, they insist on coming over every weekend to see DS. I dread those 2 hours every week....


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amandaleigh37* 
When we were first married, DH's grandmother sent him a birthday card with a check. When he didn't send a thank you note within the next week, MIL spoke to ME about making sure that the grandmother got a thank you note. Umm. Last I checked, DH is capable of picking up a pen himself. This really ticked me off..

These threads always make me appreciate my MIL so much. We never sent out our thank you notes after our second wedding reception in TN (long story, but our baby arriving, and some misplaced items...including the record of who gave us what...were part of it). MIL was getting on dh's case about thank you notes, and I apologized for being so out of it and dropping the ball. My MIL said, "[dh] knows how to write a thank you note". She's so great.


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## delphine (Aug 12, 2003)

When DH and I were engaged and newly married, I tried to make an effort to develop a relationship with MIL (DH's father passed away several years before I met him). She lives 1,000 miles away and we made several trips down there while we were engaged to include her in the wedding preparation. At that time, she still had pictures of DH and his ex hanging in her house. She also repeatedlly called me by the ex's name.

She did visit for the wedding (and wore the same color as my bridesmaids, but whatever). After that, we visited 3-4 times a year until we had kids. After DS #1 was born, we continued to visit whenever possible, going there I think twice in the first year. Our interactions were pleasant but definitely not very personal. She spent most of the time we were there in her room, so we went out and did "touristy" stuff (she lives in Miami, so lots to do). She definitely never tried to have a relationship with me and had little interest in DS, except to voice her opinion on breastfeeding (not a positive one).

When DS was about 1, she came to stay at our house for a month. She ended up leaving after a week, not because of any incident, I think she just wasn't comfortable there.

Since then (6 years ago), I have had minimal contact with her. We only have cell phones so she calls DH, but only when he's at work. We have offered to fly her here for holidays, visits etc, but she always declines. DH did visit her around Christmas time last year, but she's never seen our younger son (who is turning 5 this month) and to my knowledge has no interest in doing so. To my knowledge, she doesn't talk on the phone with the kids or ask to. I feel no responsibility in encouraging her to do so.

DH has a good relationship with my parents. They live in the same town as us (across the street, in fact) and we all spend a lot of time together. But, i wouldn't expect DH to keep up with birthdays, calls, etc to my family. I would consider that to be my responsibilty and he considers his family to be his responsibility.

I will admit that I am very jealous of those of you with great MIL relationships. But, in general, it's not even something I think about that much anymore.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

Honestly, I don't think that should be your responsibility solely and that is the problem. I like my ILs, but they are my DHs parents, so he obviously thinks of them first and I think of mine first. That's just they way it is. I mean, I try to be fair, so if I decide to send my mom flowers for mother's day, I will ask him if he would like some sent to his mom also. And he does the same thing where if he remembers to call his parents for a holiday we aren't visiting, he will remind me to call mine. But it is always a joint effort and each of us "looks out" more for our own parents just because they are our parents. It is hard to be exciting about connecting to your ILs if your DH is not and while it definitely is a joint responsibility, you are absolutely correct that it does not mean DH should have no responsibility and you should have all of it. And yes, your ILs need to hold up their side as well, but all your can affect directly is your side.


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## mamaloveseee (Dec 11, 2005)

My inlaws appear whenever they want. We never know when they will show up. They are even sitting our home when we get back from whereever we were. They come to our home to watch TV; at least that is what our children think. That is what they say to people who ask them if they have seen their grandparents. My MIL got mad and won't come up for a while because she said our kids didn't talk to her and didn't like her. How funny is that. Our children said how can you talk to someone who is watching TV or is sleeping! I used to invite them up once or twice a week for meals, they live one mile away. Three years ago my SIL, who is crazy, blamed me for calling social services and telling the school that her daughter had active Hep B. I didn't do either. After she blamed several other people, she came to the conclusion it had to be me. Anyway, my husband and I do not seem to care as much anymore because they sided with her, like they always have. They haven't had much of a relationship with our children anyway. My MIL has disappointed my children many times. There has been times when she has told them she would take them to the movies. They would get excited and she would take her other grandchildren. Our youngest is 4. Our oldest children tell her after she leaves, "don't count on it. SHe always says she will, but never does." It is a shame that they can't have a better realtionship with our kids. They way we see it, husband more than me, someday they will realize that they have missed out on a lot and then it will be too late because our kids won't care. Last year they got mad because we didn't do anything for them for Mother's day or Father's day. I have always made them a dish that they really like to eat for the past five years. We have not had any extra money to spend, not even to pay our bills since he lost his job 3 years ago. He lost $8 an hour and our monthly bills were higher than ourmonthly income and they got mad because we didn't get them anything! My parents growl when I try to give them things because they know we cannot afford it. They just don't have a clue! I did make them that dish, but since my husband had a falling out with them over her thinking our kids didn't like her, he ate it! It wish things could be better, but until they change their ways and want to accept thngs for what they are, then it won't be any better. I have tried and I am no longer trying; niether is my husband. We live our life for what is best for our family and they live theirs to do whatever theirs to please their daughter. After she reads this, I am sure she won't be too happy either!


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