# UPDATED---Don't know what I should say to MIL about this situation----UPDATED



## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

My MIL has been at my house since Wednesday and has been saying that we should vacuum once a week and I told her that I vacuum every other day (yes--literally--every other day) but my 7 yrs old dd usually makes mess and leave behind tiny mess on floor. It can get frustrating asking her to pick up her mess or clean up after herself. Most of times she do listen but it just happened that she didn't listen when it was time for my MIL to arrive. AARGH but that's another story...

Basically, yesterday morning, my DD gave my MIL a hard time by being disrespectful and rude. I asked my dd why she was being disrespectful and my dd said that she didn't like what my MIL said to her when they had several conversations and I asked her what did MIL say to her, my DD was like, I don't know..its not important. I know that sometimes my MIL would say things that rubs me the wrong way or gets on my nerve or gets too patronizing but she is just trying to help. Whenever she tries to help but it feels like shes being judgmental. Then later on my MIL said to me that for Thanksgiving, please have your DD go to her father's house because she can not come to my house until she improves her behaviors and be respectful. I understood what she meant but at the same time, I felt hurt that she is somewhat rejecting my eldest daughter because she is not my husband's daughter and I wondered if one of my twins were to become disrespectful with her when they are my eldest dd's age, would my MIL say the same thing to one of the twins? I doubt it. I feel like my MIL is giving my eldest daughter a different treatment with my twins. I have been tossing and turning in bed thinking about this because I want to ask my MIL this question, "Are you going to make one of the twins stay home during the holiday because they were disrespectful to you or are you going to welcome them unconditionally?" I also feel like saying to her that, " if you are going to treat my daughter differently than you do with my twins, I know I will feel uncomfortable and hurt whenever I'm at your house because my daughter isn't welcomed there while the twins are always welcomed. It just is not right and unfair." I just don't know what to do because it hurts my feeling really bad.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

23 views and no response?


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.


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## Mrs-Mama (Jul 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindberg99* 
I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.


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## skylarsmom08 (Aug 17, 2008)

I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *skylarsmom08* 
I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)


This. It's completely rude to exclude one child from holiday situations just b/c they have an attitude. Geesh, if I would have been excluded from holiday stuff every time I got snippy with someone I wouldn't have left my house on holidays between 12 and 17 lol.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November?


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## FullMetalMom (Aug 27, 2008)

It's obvious your MIL is trying to punish both your dd _and you_ with such a ridiculous request. I'd have DH on that one, too.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Oh, mama, that is toxic behavior. Your family is a package deal. MIL can accept that or she can spend the holiday(s) without you.

I would have your DH talk to her and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she finds herself unable to treat your DD equally, you will be forced to limit or even cease contact with ALL of the children. My own grandmother very obviously favored our cousins over my siblings and me (because she disliked my mother) and it was terribly hurtful. I wish my parents had cared enough to keep us away from that kind of pain instead of making us endure it because "she's family".









It's ridiculous, too, that your MIL is placing the responsibility of her relationship with your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD on the child's shoulders. Unacceptable, no matter how rude DD was. Don't let this go on for another minute.

Protect your cub, mama--whatever it takes.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Thank you all Mama for validating my feeling. I knew that she was wrong for saying that. Right now, my MIL is huffing and being impatient because my DH is taking his sweet time getting ready to take her home. She said, I'm so tired and bored and I want to go home.. I'm like... walk out of here on your own!


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## MamaStarbird (Oct 21, 2008)

I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Latte Mama* 
Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. *Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November*?

I don't even see how thiscould work. The 7 year odl and her step -grandmother need to celar the air? I think the MIL needs to read about child develeopment, and f she' doesn't want to, then the old, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all would serve her well.


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## zacharysmom (Apr 1, 2006)

id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zacharysmom* 
id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?

This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?


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## fairymom (Sep 15, 2008)

I don't know what about this thread it is but OP your post has me







.

I think it really unfair of your MIL to say this to you! Send your dd away for a holiday! Nope this would not fly in my house or family. And I would let her know myself that I and my dc would not be going to her house for Thanksgiving and maybe even the Dec holidays because she is acting childish and obiviously doesn't accept me or mine as hers. And I do not alienate my children in that way!

No offense but I wouldn't even care what my DH would have to say on this- if he doesn't agree then I would question why I was even w/him in the first place.Me and my children as a whole came as a package when he came into our lives and he should put that commitment first.

Now to the poster who asked what the vaccuming had to do w/it- when I read the OP I thought she may be using it as a way of showing her MIL's treatment of her dd and that her MIL thinks her dd is adding work to her (OPs) work load at home. Which may show MIL bias against OP's dd. And the inccedent is what started the whole issue of dd being allowed at Thanksgiving. OP if I am wrong I'm sorry please correct me.

OP- I have a dd who just turned 8 and she sounds alot like yours- w/the cleaning up after herself and standing up for herself I believe it is the age. My dd will be "disrespectful" towards adults but she is not trying to be. I think older adults have asqewed vision as to how children should talk to adults esp once the child has started school- they see them as older and more mature than they really are and have their exceptations too high. The choice of words a child can use can upset them.







I bet your dd is great!


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I think the next time the subject of Thanksgiving comes up, you should make it clear that you and your family will be having a very special Thanksgiving in your own home, without extended family, you're having a great time planning the menu and you're all very excited about it (or you're taking a long weekend somewhere or planning to eat out or whatever thing you can think of that will make the day nice for you guys as just your family). When MIL asks why, I'd remind her that she uninvited your daughter and obviously she can't spend Tgiving alone and obviously you will all be together AS A FAMILY so you're starting the tradition of having Tgiving at your house.

Then get up and do something else and don't give her the chance to question you about it or ask questions. Just keep repeating, "but we already have plans" and leave it at that.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?










Haha... Forgive me! I'm laughing at your question because I agree with you.. what does vacuuming have to do with the situation...Basically, I was just ranting in annoyance with how MIL is... she is like, you should vacuum once a week (I vacuum every other day) , you should fix up this place (we will when we have $$), you should wash the windows (windows aren't our priority but we'll wash when we get to it) , you should walk the dog (of course we do but which part don't you understand that my dog is an OLD dog and he can't help it when he pees), you should clean the cat litter everyday (we DO clean the litter when it is necessary), you should do this and that (I'M NOT PERFECT LIKE YOU!)...etc..etc... And I was like YES I DO ALL OF THESE but at OUR own time... I'm not a superwoman and I don't have much energy to do EVERYTHING all at once! When I made the post, I just was pouring my thoughts off then realized that its not what I really wanted to talk about... what I wanted to talk about was how MIL rejected my DD and it really hurts my feeling. And my thoughts aren't exactly organized today because I HAVEN'T slept at all last night. I tossed and turned all night thinking about what MIL said to me and I couldn't believe she would say that to me and to my DD.

I told my DH that he will need to talk to his mother about how unacceptable her comment was to me and my dd. And that, I actually used one of the poster's concept by saying "We ALL go together as a family OR we ALL don't go" My DH nodded his head and gave me a facial expression that said "I agree". I told him that it was unfair that she treated my dd differently and then my DH said, "No, my mother is the kind of person who does not invite anyone who does not respect her to her home and even if one of the twins does not respect her, she will tell us not to come to her house until everyone respects her" I told him, "Honestly, I doubt it. I believe that she is treating her differently and that my dd is only 7 years old" He just nodded as if he agreed with me then walked away. Then, When I was on phone, my DH told me that my MIL said that "tell your wife that she doesn't have to come down to say good bye because she is busy on phone" and I was like, "ok tell her bye for me" but I was thinking to myself, "Wow! It only takes her few minutes to come upstairs to say bye but she didn't..interesting.." then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.

I asked my dd again about what really happened and my dd said she just doesn't remember and that it wasn't really important and told me that she "promises" she would tell me if it was that important.

Mamastarbird--
"I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too."

I would love it if I were able to "listen" in to their conversations when they talk.. I'm always watching them interacting but I'm deaf and I often would get lost when one of them get upset. I always have to ask MIL "what did she say?" to my daughter "what did she say?" "what happened/whats going on?"

I'm really scared of losing my husband if my relationship with MIL turns sour from now on. I really hope my husband will stand by me.. I'm sure he will but at the same time, I'm so scared! I love him so much!!!! He has been SO good to me and my dd. My dd LOVES him a lot!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

"I'm so sorry you aren't happy here. Let me know when you've picked a hotel and I'll take you there!"


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:

then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.
One of my earliest memories is of my grandmother doing _exactly_ the same thing to me when I was four. Please, please don't allow your DD to experience this. It is emotional abuse and whether she shrugs it off or not, it HURTS.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

Forget your husband, (not literally just in this situation.) and take the bull by the horns. YOU need to stand up to MIL.

I'd take her out to lunch, or utilize a time when you and she are alone and tell her precisely how you feel.

I had to do this with my own MIL. My husband wouldn't do it, and the truth is I was the one with the "beef", husband's often miss the subtle enraging nuances of MIL and DIL interactions and are blind to what's going on beneath the surface.

Your MIL is constantly putting you down and disrespecting you and your household. That's where I would start. She sounds like a know it all.

I'd tell her straight up:

"MIL I have some things I need to say. First off, we love how involved you are with the grandkids and we want you to be involved in their lives.

The problem is you're very critical of me and my housekeeping and mothering abilities. You're not welcome in our home unless you can be civil and polite. It's very rude to comment on someone's house keeping when you are a guest in their home.

And my DD will not be treated like an outcast. Children do rude things, they have attitudes, as an adult it is our responsibility to model mature behavior, not hold petty grudges.

In the future if you want to invite us to a family function we will all be coming, if one isn't welcome then none of us will come."

I would also tell your husband you're going to speak to her about it. He won't, and that's another issue you will have to deal with, but there's no reason for you to remain silent and allow this tyrant of a women to emotionally abuse you.

And I do label it emotional abuse. You don't enter someone's home and harp and pick apart their cleaning skills. That's just downright evil.


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## hrsmom (Jul 4, 2008)

oh, your poor DD! When I think of an adult rejecting a hug from a 7 y.o. it makes me cry. For all she knows that is you dd's way of apologizing or whatever. To uninivite or disinvite for a holiday sounds so mean! I agree with pp's, you're a family unit and spend holidays that way. I personally wouldn't "go there" with wondering how she would potentially treat one or the other of the twins. That's pure speculation and you don't need something else to worry about. Just consider the situation at hand and don't let her bully your daughter!







s to you!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

I'm so grateful to my husband! He confronted my MIL on the way home and told her that her behaviors were childish. He told her that she CANNOT treat me and my dd that way. He also asked her "IF one of the twins behaved like or worse than H and would you still invite them? Give me an HONEST answer?!" MIL said "Yes, I would have and I haven't thought about how it would have made your wife and H feel rejected you are right and I was wrong. I'm sorry and I didn't realize my behavior and I will apologize to your wife and H." and my husband said, "Why DIDN'T you say good bye to my wife and H before you left? They were offended." My MIL said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking right and I will apologize to them." My husband said he is really sorry for the past weekend and that he will make sure that my MIL doesn't treat us like that again. I cried and I told him that I'm so glad that I've got his support. He said, "DO you remember when I told you before that when my mom reminded me that you came with a baggage and I told her that it wasn't a baggage...it was a bonus and my mom said she was proud of me when I said that. I love you with all of my heart and of course, your daughter IS an extra treat and I feel very LUCKY to have BOTH OF YOU IN MY LIFE and also the twins is a great blessing to share with you." then he gave me a hug and kissed me.


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## pammysue (Jan 24, 2004)

That's a great ending! I hope your MIL really saw the error of her ways.


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## Kiddoson (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *skylarsmom08* 
I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

This. I was your daughter, i was the "problem" and clearly not accepted in a step family, although I was tolerated. All or nothing I say.
PS saw the last post, YEAH! awesome DH!

Kim


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *skylarsmom08* 
I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

I agree with this. I also think you should have him reassure her that you have both talked to her about how wrong her behavior was and how she needs to change it for the future. Having her write an apology note might also be a good idea, especially since she admits she was rude but doesn't give an actual reason for being rude. My dd is almost seven and I am noticing that she is very rude when she isn't getting her way and she gets a little snarky when this is pointed out to her even if it is done in a very gentle and loving way. Reminding dd before we go somewhere that I want to hear her speaking in certain ways and the reason for that really works well with her. You might try that with you dd before the grandma comes over again.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

your dh =









also, your mil seems fairly reasonable. she had acted thoughtlessly and is







: making up for it.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

We actually ended up having a family splitting fight that started with my MIL saying I needed to vacuum more often. I joked about it with my husband and his brother, it got back to her...escalate from there to an actual fight on our patio.
If she doesn't like the way your children act, oh well. She's not their mother, you're doing what you think they need, and she needs to respect that.
Of course, I'm coming from a toxic IL relationship, but I wouldn't let her treat me or my children badly.


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

i think it is important to be particularly assertive with mil's...but at the same time, to be entirely dismissive of some things. for instance, if she wants to tell you the "right" way to vacuum...let her know that you have got vacuuming down; perhaps you even figured it out years ago and then completely disregard what she has to say. (thats what i do with mine anyway...)

but when she wants to exclude your child? i would let her know that it's a package deal or not at all.

good luck. tricky stuff.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

My dh and I already confronted my dd about her rude/disrespectful behaviortoward my MIL and my dd already apologized but I guess my MIL got fed up with repeated rude attitudes from Friday night then all day on Sat that she finally got fed up and said, she can't come to my house until she learns to be respectful and her behaviors improves. I remember thinking to myself, well what if it takes forever and what about the twins, will they get the same treatments? But am glad to see that its resolved...for now... but my defensive mode will come back if MIL happens to say that again to my DD. Next time, I'm going to speak up and I am not just talking about it.. I'm definitely going to walk the talk!

This morning, my MIL heard my daughter making a mess in kitchen by spilling some cereal on the floor and she exclaimed, H spilled cereal all over the floor and I told her, "Oh it happens..kids will be kids!" then I walked away to help my dd picking cereals off of the floor... my dd said, its just a little mess mommy and I told her, I know.. don't worry.. you made a little mess and you clean it up that's important. Don't worry about it then I gave her a kiss and told her that I was proud of her for cleaning her mess up. When I came back, I saw my DH asking my MIL why are you making a big fuss about tiny mess from cereal and MIL shook her head with no answer. What a dramatic weekend! I'm glad its just us and the pets.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
"I'm so sorry you aren't happy here. Let me know when you've picked a hotel and I'll take you there!"

Exactly... if MIL is going to ban a 7 year old child from her home for being disrespectful, you have a right to ban MIL from your home for being disrespectful to your child.

My IL's pick apart my housekeeping skills too, my MIL gets downright nasty about it, and then they wonder why we don't invite them over anymore.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katiesk* 
i think it is important to be particularly assertive with mil's...but at the same time, to be entirely dismissive of some things. for instance, if she wants to tell you the "right" way to vacuum...let her know that you have got vacuuming down; perhaps you even figured it out years ago and then completely disregard what she has to say. (thats what i do with mine anyway...)

but when she wants to exclude your child? i would let her know that it's a package deal or not at all.

good luck. tricky stuff.


yeah, thats what I would do. and am gonna do that next time


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
23 views and no response?









perhaps everyone is just speechless.

she is seven years old. SEVEN!!!!!! She is not going to be perfect. seven year olds are clumsy and moddy and occaisionally forget their manners. they are little kids. very little kids.

I would tell her not to worry about it. none of you will be at her freaking house for thanksgiving. You guys are a family and do things as a family. end of story. if she can't love all your children she shouldn't be spending time with any of them. that sort of virus spreads.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

vroomie mama - that's just it. you need to walk the talk.

you know your experience with your mil is not rare. its pretty common with almost all parents. there is always an elder expecting too much out of children.

i have elders around me like that too. and i have to sometimes remind them how still a little girl my 7 year old is. i havent had any rude to me or her (different dynamics) but almost all of them had to have gentle reminders said diplomatically so they realise how little dd still is.

i think a lot of them forget what little children are like. in fact i know many confuse a lot beyond toddlerhood. almost like if they are school age then they ought to know how to behave. my own mom has treated my mom disrespectfully a couple of times. she gets so involved in protecting my dd that she doesnt realise she is rejecting her while doing it.

i really hope she meant it when she apologized to your husband and is not playing lip service.

aww mama you have such a sweet, sweet man. i can understand your fears. i am a single mom myself and aww the comment that my dd is an extra treat is the exact comment all single moms want to hear.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
vroomie mama - that's just it. you need to walk the talk.

you know your experience with your mil is not rare. its pretty common with almost all parents. there is always an elder expecting too much out of children.

i have elders around me like that too. and i have to sometimes remind them how still a little girl my 7 year old is. i havent had any rude to me or her (different dynamics) but almost all of them had to have gentle reminders said diplomatically so they realise how little dd still is.

i think a lot of them forget what little children are like. in fact i know many confuse a lot beyond toddlerhood. almost like if they are school age then they ought to know how to behave. my own mom has treated my mom disrespectfully a couple of times. she gets so involved in protecting my dd that she doesnt realise she is rejecting her while doing it.

i really hope she meant it when she apologized to your husband and is not playing lip service.

aww mama you have such a sweet, sweet man. i can understand your fears. i am a single mom myself and aww the comment that my dd is an extra treat is the exact comment all single moms want to hear.


I have been a single mom before, when my dd was 1.5 years old until 4 years old. I met my husband when my dd was 2.5 years old and we had been friends until 4 years old then got married when my dd was almost 6 years old.

My dd is the best thing that has ever happened to me and then came along my husband and the twins. I'm very fortunate to have this family. Even if we had a really difficult year this past year.
Anyways, thank you all for your support and I really appreciate it.


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## amandabarugh (Jun 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
I have been a single mom before, when my dd was 1.5 years old until 4 years old. I met my husband when my dd was 2.5 years old and we had been friends until 4 years old then got married when my dd was almost 6 years old.

My dd is the best thing that has ever happened to me and then came along my husband and the twins. I'm very fortunate to have this family. Even if we had a really difficult year this past year.
Anyways, thank you all for your support and I really appreciate it.

Read the whole thread, and it sounds like you've got a really stand-up man on your hands! I would hug him extra tight tonight!


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

What a great husband you have!







I hope your MIL will be on the right track from now on.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Sorry.. I had to remove the email that my MIL sent to me and me responding back to MIL in this post... one of the MODS said its against the copyright rules and it is an invasion of privacy.







I was only allowed to paraphrase... I don't like paraphrasing because it makes me feel like I'm just making up the story.. I prefer to just copy and paste everything to show that I'm being honest... but I understand that it is against the policy.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Wow, I thought my grandmother died in 2002, but apparently she changed her name and went off to be your MIL! Yikes.

I have no idea if your response to her will make any difference, but I have to say this part made me laugh:

"We took the back way off the 15 N at the new round about to rt 464 which is Pt of Rocks Rd. to Fry to Lander to Holter to Teen Barnes to Jefferson to Woodlyn.It was first time back, nothing much changed there except needs better care of the landscaping, but you know I spent hours each day outside gardening, probably why I got skin cancer."

Not the skin cancer part, but the way she wasn't satisfied with the landscaping either?


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Wow, I thought my grandmother died in 2002, but apparently she changed her name and went off to be your MIL! Yikes.

I have no idea if your response to her will make any difference, but I have to say this part made me laugh:

"We took the back way off the 15 N at the new round about to rt 464 which is Pt of Rocks Rd. to Fry to Lander to Holter to Teen Barnes to Jefferson to Woodlyn.It was first time back, nothing much changed there except needs better care of the landscaping, but you know I spent hours each day outside gardening, probably why I got skin cancer."

Not the skin cancer part, but the way she wasn't satisfied with the landscaping either?

I don't know why she was talking about landscaping... looks like she thinks she does everything better than everyone or is better than everyone.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

That's what I mean.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow. just wow.

your MIL is freaking nuts.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I would let MIL that until she can treat your family members with respect, including dd....she's not welcome in your home.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Yikes, I concur with lilyka. If it were me, I'd be limiting contact and keeping emails to a minimum. I know you and your DH mean well but you don't owe her an explanation or have to give her excuses for your housekeeping, your DD's behavior, or anything else. As long as you make it open for discussion, she will think she has a vote and I suspect the haranguing and criticism will continue.

Next time, I would just respond with something like, "I'm sorry that our housekeeping is not up to your standards. Here is a list of local hotels. We are happy to pick you up and drop you off from your hotel when you wish to visit us again. And during that visit, we expect you to treat all of our children in an equally civil and loving manner. If you find yourself unable to do so, please know that we will end the visit immediately. We love you and want to see you, but we will not tolerate emotional abuse or harassment. Love, Vroomie and DH"

I think you and your DH would greatly benefit from reading _Toxic Parents_ by Susan Forward, because it will give you both useful tools for setting boundaries with your MIL, who seems to have none.

So sorry she's like this, OP. You deserve better.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Wow, I thought my grandmother died in 2002, but apparently she changed her name and went off to be your MIL! Yikes.

Either that, or she's my MIL's long lost twin. Good grief. Nice reminder to me on why I don't invite my IL's over anymore. I'd rather eat glass.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Your MIL needs to put on her big girl panties and get over it. Seriously, did she do this to your DH whenever he did something she didn't like? The kid is 7.

Yeah, I'd be limiting my contact with her.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Boudicca~* 
Your MIL needs to put on her big girl panties and get over it. Seriously, did she do this to your DH whenever he did something she didn't like? The kid is 7.

I think that some parents with grown children have selective amnesia, and forget some of their child(ren)'s own atrocious behavior, especially when that behavior reflects badly on their skills as a parent.


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## Jackies Ladybug (Jun 19, 2008)

she sounds just like my MIL, who has very selective amnesia (thanks hapamama, i knew there was a name for it!) about how her house looked and how her child acted when he was little.
she came and spent a week here while my DD was 6 weeks old and we all had the flu and she was constantly harrassing me about the state of my house.
my DH, bless his heart, told her to back off, that her house growing up wasnt half as clean as i keep mine!
haha, the expression on her face was priceless, and she had a very quiet and uneventful trip out here just recently where she never once said a thing about our house! sometimes people just need to be smacked back into place, hopefully you guys did it!


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WC_hapamama* 
I think that some parents with grown children have selective amnesia, and forget some of their child(ren)'s own atrocious behavior, especially when that behavior reflects badly on their skills as a parent.

I totally agree with that! For some reason my mother cannot recall the majority of the terrible stuff we did as kids and whenever we bring it up she's like, "What?! That never happened!" and to this I say, "You kicked my a** around the block for it that sure as hell did happen!" She also nitpicks my girls' behavior constantly until I flat out told her that I did not want to hear her commentary or parenting advice anymore. Since then I limited contact with her because she was starting to make my 6 y/o feel really bad about herself.

Yeah OP, I get where you're coming from.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *porcelain interior* 
forget your husband, (not literally just in this situation.) and take the bull by the horns. You need to stand up to mil.

I'd take her out to lunch, or utilize a time when you and she are alone and tell her precisely how you feel.

I had to do this with my own mil. My husband wouldn't do it, and the truth is i was the one with the "beef", husband's often miss the subtle enraging nuances of mil and dil interactions and are blind to what's going on beneath the surface.

Your mil is constantly putting you down and disrespecting you and your household. That's where i would start. She sounds like a know it all.

I'd tell her straight up:

"mil i have some things i need to say. First off, we love how involved you are with the grandkids and we want you to be involved in their lives.

The problem is you're very critical of me and my housekeeping and mothering abilities. You're not welcome in our home unless you can be civil and polite. It's very rude to comment on someone's house keeping when you are a guest in their home.

And my dd will not be treated like an outcast. Children do rude things, they have attitudes, as an adult it is our responsibility to model mature behavior, not hold petty grudges.

In the future if you want to invite us to a family function we will all be coming, if one isn't welcome then none of us will come."

i would also tell your husband you're going to speak to her about it. He won't, and that's another issue you will have to deal with, but there's no reason for you to remain silent and allow this tyrant of a women to emotionally abuse you.

And i do label it emotional abuse. You don't enter someone's home and harp and pick apart their cleaning skills. That's just downright evil.

yes! Yes! And yes! This^^^6


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I find it ironic that this MIL is whining and moaning about how people don't respect her, yet she doesn't respect her son's wife, her step-granddaughter, and feels free to be rude and critical about their home.

I would do as Porcelin Interior said. Tell her flat-up how it is going to be.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
We actually ended up having a family splitting fight that started with my MIL saying I needed to vacuum more often. I joked about it with my husband and his brother, it got back to her...escalate from there to an actual fight on our patio.
If she doesn't like the way your children act, oh well. She's not their mother, you're doing what you think they need, and she needs to respect that.
Of course, I'm coming from a toxic IL relationship, but I wouldn't let her treat me or my children badly.


Why don't they ever tell their SONS to vacuum more often?


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

OP: your MIL pretty much sucks, but you have a great husband. Yay him!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

I read what she wrote to you last night and it's still bothering me, the part where she said that she thinks your dh should have a clean home etc etc. That just makes me angry for you but it really bothered me, so I need to comment on it. Here goes, is that lady stuck in the 50s? seriously? My mil is like that and makes snide comments because my dh works and does housework too and it drives me INSANE!!! The last time she was here and bought my dd a shirt she said in front of me loudly " I dont think we can get that shirt for you your DADDY wont know how to wash it" I was seething







and I go "I DO LAUNDRY TOO!" *INSERT FAV CUSSWORD HERE* LOL! Ok so I can totally relate to an ignorant MIL







.
Back on topic... If she wants your house cleaner, why doesnt she do it herself or tell her son to do it? She thinks because you stay home it's all your job only? UMM NO! grrr I hate that mentality that a woman is supposed to do everything alone. It really sets women back in society and the fact that people still think this way makes me sick. I understand that some people like to live that way but the whole idea that every woman should is just GROSS. My dh helps me out we tackle chores together...what I do all day isnt some vacation, we both have "jobs".







. Ok I think I feel better now LOL
NAK


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
I'm so grateful to my husband! He confronted my MIL on the way home and told her that her behaviors were childish. He told her that she CANNOT treat me and my dd that way. He also asked her "IF one of the twins behaved like or worse than H and would you still invite them? Give me an HONEST answer?!" MIL said "Yes, I would have and I haven't thought about how it would have made your wife and H feel rejected you are right and I was wrong. I'm sorry and I didn't realize my behavior and I will apologize to your wife and H." and my husband said, "Why DIDN'T you say good bye to my wife and H before you left? They were offended." My MIL said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking right and I will apologize to them." My husband said he is really sorry for the past weekend and that he will make sure that my MIL doesn't treat us like that again. I cried and I told him that I'm so glad that I've got his support. He said, "DO you remember when I told you before that when my mom reminded me that you came with a baggage and I told her that it wasn't a baggage...it was a bonus and my mom said she was proud of me when I said that. I love you with all of my heart and of course, your daughter IS an extra treat and I feel very LUCKY to have BOTH OF YOU IN MY LIFE and also the twins is a great blessing to share with you." then he gave me a hug and kissed me.

Awww what a great guy. THis made me tear up.


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

OMG - I have never seen anyone be so rude as your MIL. (Maybe I am sheltered, but jeez!) Telling you to put your kids in daycare so you can afford a maid?! I was so mad for you just reading the email. What did your DH say?

I think your response was probably just fanning the flames. I know that is how I would have wanted to respond, but here is what I would do. I would send her another email and apologize. Wait wait, hear me out.

I would say: Grandma, I wanted to send you an apology for my previous email. I was upset and am sure that it came across in what I said. My feelings are valid, but I could have said them in a kinder way. For that, I am sorry.

I appreciate that you interested in our lives. We choose to do things differently in our family than you apparently chose in yours. I don't think either is right or wrong. I think you made choices that worked for your family and we are making choices that work for ours.

If our choices don't work for you, and as a result you are uncomfortable visiting, that's is your right and we will understand and respect that.

I would like for us to be able to discuss things with each other in a gentle, respectful, and loving way. DH and I are raising our 3 kids in the way we choose. It is right for us. We ask that even if you disagree, you still maintain a level of respect and civility.

Then blah, blah, blah...I ran out of steam here, but you get my drift. Perhaps this can stave off WW3 and try to mend some fences.

If someone had written that email to me I would have popped a biscuit. And my house IS super messy.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
Here goes, is that lady stuck in the 50s? seriously? My mil is like that and makes snide comments because my dh works and does housework too and it drives me INSANE!!! The last time she was here and bought my dd a shirt she said in front of me loudly " I dont think we can get that shirt for you your DADDY wont know how to wash it" I was seething







and I go "I DO LAUNDRY TOO!" *INSERT FAV CUSSWORD HERE* LOL! Ok so I can totally relate to an ignorant MIL







.

When my DH does all the home repair/maintenance stuff, all the lifting of heavy stuff, taking out the garbage, all of the automotive care and killing of icky insect things, I'll happily do all the housework.

Since we're equally well suited to doing both, we share the load. Sure, DH does the dishes more often than I do, and does all the vacuuming, but I put together furniture, am the designated spider squashing, clean out his turtle's tank, unclog toilets and take out 70% of the garbage.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

my mil thinks if she sees dh doing anything that he is the only one that does it...and she goes every time I call there he is cleaning. well yeah no kidding lady but so am I !!! we have five kids HELLO! lol


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
I read what she wrote to you last night and it's still bothering me, the part where she said that she thinks your dh should have a clean home etc etc. That just makes me angry for you but it really bothered me, so I need to comment on it. Here goes, is that lady stuck in the 50s? seriously? My mil is like that and makes snide comments because my dh works and does housework too and it drives me INSANE!!! The last time she was here and bought my dd a shirt she said in front of me loudly " I dont think we can get that shirt for you your DADDY wont know how to wash it" I was seething







and I go "I DO LAUNDRY TOO!" *INSERT FAV CUSSWORD HERE* LOL! Ok so I can totally relate to an ignorant MIL







.
Back on topic... If she wants your house cleaner, why doesnt she do it herself or tell her son to do it? She thinks because you stay home it's all your job only? UMM NO! grrr I hate that mentality that a woman is supposed to do everything alone. It really sets women back in society and the fact that people still think this way makes me sick. I understand that some people like to live that way but the whole idea that every woman should is just GROSS. My dh helps me out we tackle chores together...what I do all day isnt some vacation, we both have "jobs".







. Ok I think I feel better now LOL
NAK


Hippiemommaof4... YOU AND I are exactly the same! My DH knows that I WONT clean around the house if he does do not his part. Before we entered into relationship. I told him that I REFUSE to be a housewife of some sort and I believe that a man and a woman shares the responsbility of keeping the house clean.. 50/50. I do the dishes, he does the laundry, we walk the dog, we vacuum the house, I clean the kitchen and bathroom and he cleans the cat litter and take out trashes and put recycling stuff outside and we help our daughter put her stuff away and we also encourage her to put her stuff away by herself sometimes. That's why I told my MIL that she do not know the dynamics or situations at our home and that she had no right to judge me. I also told her that she have no idea how OFTEN I have tried to keep my house clean. BUT I can't keep my house clean if I'm the only one who is trying to keep it clean. I burn out VERY FAST and I'll get really grouchy and rude with my family if I am the only one cleaning everything everyday. I know my limits and I don't want to be grouchy everyday when my family comes home from school/work...no thank you! And my MIL said, its not fair to X to come home from work, helping with children and comes home to a messy house. When she said that, I literally took a look around at my house and thought to myself, WHAT MESS?! My coffee table is a bit cluttered, there is a diaper bag and a laptop on the floor beside my computer desk, 2 bouncers on the floor with adorable babies in it, a dog laying on the floor, a cat sleeping happily on the top of my laz-boy, and a pillow on the floor , and several mails piled neatly on the stairs and oh, my floor needs to be vacuumed. That's all and it had been that way since the day she came to visit our house! MESSY?! I was tempted to tell her, if you wanted to describe MESSY..visit the landfill, lady!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Why don't they ever tell their SONS to vacuum more often?










EXACTLY! But my husband is really sweet... sometimes I do an extra cleaning..doing one of his part of chore..he'd notice and give me a kiss and say "Thank you for doing this for me and I'll make it up to you." and then he goes to make it up to me!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Well, I will tell you one thing. I have three sons and they are all being taught how to clean a house, cook, as well as do yardwork, etc.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Personally, I think people place WAY too much emphasis on a woman having to be NICE all the time. MIL is obviously not nice, why must the OP apologize for her perfectly rational reaction to MIL's way-out-of-bounds words?

Honestly, everyone here is cheering the DH but I just feel like he's trying to quiet his wife up and make sure she stays "nice" at all costs - even at the cost of his wife and her daughter. It IS nice that he's generally on her side, but the emphasis on NICE is just crazy, imho. When people are attacking, nice goes out the window and protection of the family is #1.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

OP, you mentioned that you were deaf. Does she use ASL or anything, or are you reading her lips? My late grandmother's first husband (my grandfather) was deaf, and after he died she married a man who was very hard of hearing. They got a lot of mileage and fight-prevention out of "not hearing" some of the worst things she said. At least my step-grandfather would look the other way at convenient times, or get her to repeat things until she realized how strange they were, etc. OK, a little passive-aggressive, and it's probably a terribly ableist suggestion, but I've seen it work pretty well.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

To clarify my previous post, I would agree there is no benefit if the OP had started calling her MIL names or something. But she didn't. She just told her to BACK OFF and that is a very positive, good thing to do. MIL doesn't play by the rules, and if OP just tries to play nice then MIL will just keep doing what she does. Doesn't mean she has to stoop to MIL's level or anything (and she hasn't!).


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Well, I will tell you one thing. I have three sons and they are all being taught how to clean a house, cook, as well as do yardwork, etc.


Bravo to you!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *New_Natural_Mom* 
OMG - I have never seen anyone be so rude as your MIL. (Maybe I am sheltered, but jeez!) Telling you to put your kids in daycare so you can afford a maid?! I was so mad for you just reading the email. What did your DH say?

I think your response was probably just fanning the flames. I know that is how I would have wanted to respond, but here is what I would do. I would send her another email and apologize. Wait wait, hear me out.

I would say: Grandma, I wanted to send you an apology for my previous email. I was upset and am sure that it came across in what I said. My feelings are valid, but I could have said them in a kinder way. For that, I am sorry.

I appreciate that you interested in our lives. We choose to do things differently in our family than you apparently chose in yours. I don't think either is right or wrong. I think you made choices that worked for your family and we are making choices that work for ours.

If our choices don't work for you, and as a result you are uncomfortable visiting, that's is your right and we will understand and respect that.

I would like for us to be able to discuss things with each other in a gentle, respectful, and loving way. DH and I are raising our 3 kids in the way we choose. It is right for us. We ask that even if you disagree, you still maintain a level of respect and civility.

Then blah, blah, blah...I ran out of steam here, but you get my drift. Perhaps this can stave off WW3 and try to mend some fences.

If someone had written that email to me I would have popped a biscuit. And my house IS super messy.

You're right.. I should have used a better tone in my email to my MIL but I felt really fed-up with all of the puts down she has been doing to me, dh and my dd for past few years. Just enough is enough. I have been too polite and lady-like for too long. I have told her repeatedly that my dh and I share our housekeeping 50/50 but she just don't listen and she expects me to do ALL of housekeeping. She only hears what she want to and then that is why I yelled at her in my email.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
To clarify my previous post, I would agree there is no benefit if the OP had started calling her MIL names or something. But she didn't. She just told her to BACK OFF and that is a very positive, good thing to do. MIL doesn't play by the rules, and if OP just tries to play nice then MIL will just keep doing what she does. Doesn't mean she has to stoop to MIL's level or anything (and she hasn't!).


I have been too nice for too long.. just enough is enough.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
Personally, I think people place WAY too much emphasis on a woman having to be NICE all the time. MIL is obviously not nice, why must the OP apologize for her perfectly rational reaction to MIL's way-out-of-bounds words?

Honestly, everyone here is cheering the DH but I just feel like he's trying to quiet his wife up and make sure she stays "nice" at all costs - even at the cost of his wife and her daughter. It IS nice that he's generally on her side, but the emphasis on NICE is just crazy, imho. When people are attacking, nice goes out the window and protection of the family is #1.


No he wasn't trying to quiet me down.. he felt the need to email to his mother quickly to show her that he is on my side because he knew that his mother would yell back at me.











































to my DH!!!!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
OP, you mentioned that you were deaf. Does she use ASL or anything, or are you reading her lips? My late grandmother's first husband (my grandfather) was deaf, and after he died she married a man who was very hard of hearing. They got a lot of mileage and fight-prevention out of "not hearing" some of the worst things she said. At least my step-grandfather would look the other way at convenient times, or get her to repeat things until she realized how strange they were, etc. OK, a little passive-aggressive, and it's probably a terribly ableist suggestion, but I've seen it work pretty well.


My MIL use sign language but not ASL. She signs ok but enough for us (me and my dh) to understand her.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Oh well, guess that idea won't work then.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Have you heard back from her yet? Seriously that is one of the most underhanded moves I've seen yet. She behaves atrociously at your house and treats your dd and you like crap, your DH calls her on it and so she says the "right" things to make her little boy happy again - only to turn around and slam you in an e-mail? I'm not trying to be snarky here at all, but is she mentally unstable?

What is your DH's take on all of this? I assume even if bridges are mended you have no plans to go there for Thanksgiving? That would be very uncomfortable for your older daughter! Oh and fwiw, reading her e-mail all I could think of is that we encourage independent thought and "anarchy" at our house!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

*Have you heard back from her yet? Seriously that is one of the most underhanded moves I've seen yet. She behaves atrociously at your house and treats your dd and you like crap, your DH calls her on it and so she says the "right" things to make her little boy happy again - only to turn around and slam you in an e-mail? I'm not trying to be snarky here at all, but is she mentally unstable?*

I honestly don't know what is her mental state and I don't understand her at all! I feel like I don't give a damn about her and I think I don't like her anymore now.









*What is your DH's take on all of this? I assume even if bridges are mended you have no plans to go there for Thanksgiving? That would be very uncomfortable for your older daughter! Oh and fwiw, reading her e-mail all I could think of is that we encourage independent thought and "anarchy" at our house!* That sounds fun at your house... could we visit? LOL

Yes, we got her email and it was not pretty! She basically said she was sorry if she caused us pain/sorrow and that she had no idea we would not accept her "constructive criticism in the manner in which it was given". She thought she was "presenting a united front" and was helping us. She also said she'll keep her thoughts and problems to herself and will never share them again. And she also said, "I must say I am starting to understand X's parents opinion and viewpoint much better now. No more to be said. Just send the photos, no need to say anything or reply."

My DH and I was like, WHAT?! What opinions/viewpoints that my parents have of me?! My parents moved out because they missed the area where they used to live. Here, they couldn't walk to store because they felt it was too far for them, and they couldn't walk their dog because we live in a condo that has 52 steps walking up and down the stairs. My dad is 85 years old and my mom is 76 years old. They realized that they want to move back to where they used to live because it is convenient for them and that they could still have independence while they still have it.

My DH said he is going to send his mother a response tomorrow with all of the quotes that she rudely said to me and my dd tomorrow to make a point that her comments were not constructive. And no we're not going to her house for Thanksgiving and she is not coming to ours too.

I am really disappointed with her because I honestly thought she was a reasonable person and would take a step back and re-evaluate her behaviors then apologize but she did not. Instead of acknowledging her misbehavior, she insulted me! WOW! My dd's therapist came by at my place today and I had her read the email my MIL sent us and my dd's therapist said while writing down on a paper "she is "playing the victim" rather than taking responsbility for her behaviors" And my dd therapist also said "it still will require her to "own her" behavior- she may not want to do that- sometimes people feel threatened when someone confronts them" My dd's therapist also said that my email to MIL was reasonable and appropriate because I was upset and that I did not insult or abuse her in email.

Whatever, I'm still shocked and disappointed with my MIL. *sighs*


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

there is really no point for your husband to keep this going or to reply to her. He is just dragging this out. your MIl words imply she wants an apology and oh goodness gracious her feelings have been hurt. She is baiting you in every sentence. do not reply. DO NOT REPLY. just leave it be. send her pictures, notes about the family etc without ever mentioning this. or talking more. Skip thanksgiving for a year. do not have her over to your house. if you get together with her let it be on neutral territory like a park or resteraunt. Do not let her drag your parents into this. you do not owe her an explination. you do not need to clarify. if there is healing it will be done in time. not with words. The most important thing to do right now is stop talking. its like trying to put a fire out by adding wood and fanning the flames.....if you talk to her keep it shallow and mundane.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Cut off contact. She sounds completely toxic. Treat her as such!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Lilyka, I just told my DH what you just suggested....to let it go ..he said "right" and I told him that we could just keep emails simple. He said, "yeah."

He told me earlier that he is really disappointed with his mother.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

I have a hard time sleeping because I'm really angry at my MIL from her previous email where she said "I must say I am starting to understand X's parents opinion and viewpoint much better now. No more to be said. Just send the photos, no need to say anything or reply." I feel like sending her email BUT I WON'T DO THAT!

"Was that necessary for you to say that about me? How were you able to communicate with my parents? You and my parents had a very difficult time communicating with each other without relying on me or X to "interpret" for you guys? My parents always ask me/X "what did she say?" and you always asked me/X "What did they say?" And "My parents are not the type of people to talk about me to my friends' parents because they have always believed that it was not other people's business to know about our family's problems so are you just making this up to create more problems?"

By the way, my parents are deaf so that's why I'm really bothered by her comment.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

She's just making things up. Don't worry about it.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
I feel like sending her email BUT I WON'T DO THAT!

Good, don't reply. Don't even send her the photos--why reward her for insulting you? Try to convince your DH not to respond to her at all. She WANTS you all to respond--it feeds the conflict, something she obviously enjoys. Don't fall for it.

She's pushing your buttons, trying to get a response. Like most people of her...type...she knows exactly what to say or do to make you angriest and hurt you most. The key to dealing with this kind of behavior is to ignore it. Stop giving her the pleasure of knowing that she's hurt you or made you angry. In fact stop responding at all. Don't answer her calls, send her emails to their own special spam folder and don't even read them (but save them in case you need them for whatever reason in the future). Remove her ability to hurt you by controlling her access to your life.

Please, please, please don't allow this woman's nasty words to affect you. They aren't true, and you know they aren't true, and what kind of person would even suggest such a thing, let alone write it in an email that is supposed to be apologetic? She's toxic, possibly mentally ill, and you and DH should aggressively work together to cease or at least limit contact with her. Most importantly, keep her away from your children. There is no chance at all that she won't inject craziness and drama and cruelty into their lives whenever she thinks she can get away with it.

So sorry, mama.


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
You're right.. I should have used a better tone in my email to my MIL but I felt really fed-up with all of the puts down she has been doing to me, dh and my dd for past few years. Just enough is enough. I have been too polite and lady-like for too long. I have told her repeatedly that my dh and I share our housekeeping 50/50 but she just don't listen and she expects me to do ALL of housekeeping. She only hears what she want to and then that is why I yelled at her in my email.

I am sure I would have done exactly as you have. To be honest, it is her conduct that is bad, not yours. I sent a very polite, non-nasty email to my aunt about some issues between her and my mom and she cut me out of her life completely. This was some 10 years ago now. She continues to send Xmas presents to my mom, dad, brother, SIL, and their kids but leaves my name and DH & DS off the card. (I don't want presents, it is just SUPER childish.)

You can be kind or you can be express your frustration and they will respond to it how they will. Your MIL is nuts.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
I have a hard time sleeping because I'm really angry at my MIL from her previous email where she said "I must say I am starting to understand X's parents opinion and viewpoint much better now. No more to be said. Just send the photos, no need to say anything or reply." I feel like sending her email BUT I WON'T DO THAT!

"Was that necessary for you to say that about me? How were you able to communicate with my parents? You and my parents had a very difficult time communicating with each other without relying on me or X to "interpret" for you guys? My parents always ask me/X "what did she say?" and you always asked me/X "What did they say?" And "My parents are not the type of people to talk about me to my friends' parents because they have always believed that it was not other people's business to know about our family's problems so are you just making this up to create more problems?"

By the way, my parents are deaf so that's why I'm really bothered by her comment.

She's hitting you where it hurts. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing your flinch. Don't give her any power over you, she is not worth it. Further you no longer want to reward her bad behavior.

Go live a fabulous life knowing you are soooooo much happier than she is. That is the best revenge.

Also, it will likely drive her nuts when you stop taking the bait.

V


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Ok thank you all for your support. I guess, I'm just sad because I had dreams that my children would have a grandmother who would be involved in their life for a long time because my parents are already really old. And I only had a grandmother but I didn't know her very well because she died when I was young. I practically grew up without grandparents and my MIL treats my eldest daughter like this and I'm really disappointed with her. I am really hoping that one day soon she'll realize her mistake and change it.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
Ok thank you all for your support. I guess, I'm just sad because I had dreams that my children would have a grandmother who would be involved in their life for a long time because my parents are already really old. And I only had a grandmother but I didn't know her very well because she died when I was young. I practically grew up without grandparents and my MIL treats my eldest daughter like this and I'm really disappointed with her. I am really hoping that one day soon she'll realize her mistake and change it.

Give up that hope, because there is nothing you can do to make it come about. She has to make the choice to behave like a human being. Then if she does come to her senses, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

You don't have to cut off ALL contact, though, if that would be unpleasant for you. Just limit it in a very serious way.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

honestly , and I know this is not what you want, but if you want a cookie baking, sugar sweet grandma go find one. there are lonely old ladies everywhere who would love to adopt herself a family.

and I don't think your MIL is a lost cause. but I do think for now the best thing to do is stand your ground. from a distance. If you send pictures make sure it is of all the kids together. if you send pictures of one child, make sure you send one of each child. if you say anything in an email ignore everything she said and just stay with the facts. "dd is doing well. had a great day at school today. the twins are cute as ever and growing so fast. dh and I are happy as lobsters in love. have a good day we love you too"

when she says stuff that is truely crazy (like about your parents. she has not talked to them. she has not.) roll your eyes and say "oh MIL. you are so silly" and move on.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
honestly , and I know this is not what you want, but if you want a cookie baking, sugar sweet grandma go find one. there are lonely old ladies everywhere who would love to adopt herself a family.

This is a beautiful idea, and it is exactly what my folks did for us. The "adopted grandmother" we ended up with was a beautiful lady who was feisty and intelligent, but had an open mind and a huge heart. She was my stepfather's roommate when he was a very young man. They had met while volunteering at a playhouse. She'd tell fantastic tales of knowing him when he was a young man. She'd also tell great stories of her own youth and adventures over cucumber sandwiches, and let me stay the night in her beautiful old house. She made her income restoring antiques and paintings, and she was amazing at it! Her home was covered in them, and she'd also take ordinary objects and make them into new things. She was an awesome artist!









Sadly, she passed away 10 years ago from lung cancer (she refused to give up her cigs







). I miss her so dearly, and I will never ever forget her. I gave my DD her name as a middle name. If I had never met my "grandmother," I'd have been a completely different person-one who would not be as happy or healthy. Knowing her was a really big gift.


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