# PLEASE tell me it gets easier!!



## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I thought I was doing sooo good...but I think I spoke too soon. We've been interviewing at this church in VA. Well, there are 4 babies under 4 weeks old and several women in different stages of pregnancy. Everytime I see one of them I walk away teary. Dh understands to an extent but I don't think he gets the full impact...which is fine cause I have someone to lean on. Anyway, please tell me I won't cry everytime I see a pregnant lady or a baby.

How long should I expect to feel this way? I wasn't expecting the pregnancy but it was such a wonderful surprise that now I'm...I don't know....am I just being silly???

I've been reading the other posts around and I see the sigs of those who had stillborn babies and those that lost little ones to SIDS and to disease and I realize that I have it so good. I was spared so much by losing my baby early and I feel weak and self centered for feeling that "I" have a right to feel heartbroken. Some women try for years and are never able to have children at all. I have Tracy and feel a little selfish that I should have another unexpected blessing. I have people ask how I'm doing and I just say that I'm fine but I feel like I'm crying on the inside, not all the time though but enough that I notice it.

Some of you are so strong why do I feel so weak??

BTW...I'd be about 10 weeks now....we'd be able to hear baby's heartbeat. I think that makes it even harder. I told dh I think it would be harder to loose our first and he said no the second would be. With number 2 you know what you are missing.....I never thought he'd be so right.....


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

First of all, you can't try to quantify your pain against someone else's. It just does'nt work. Your pain is real and not to be dismissed. Have you tried writing this child a letter, or some other way of letting your feelings out? Sometimes that can help. Does your DH talk with you about the baby you lost?

I could not help but stare at pregnant women for the first couple of months after we lost Xiola. I am suprised I did'nt rear-end someone, it was that bad. We went to a 'natural family planning' class about a month after and I was sitting there with women whith their babes in their arms... I would leak milk when they'd cry. We barely got out of there before we both lost it. Even a few months after that, this lady at the bookstore was just letting her tiny newborn cry in a plastic carrier... the baby sounded so hungry and lonely. The mother was laughing as she paid for her books. I got to the escalator before I started crying.

Now I can see a baby in a carrier and just think about how much her mom's back must hurt from the awkward thing. But that took a while.

Time makes it so much easier. I can't say when it will get better but it will. In the meantime, don't feel pressured to be in situations that make you uncomfortable. Do what feels comfortable for you.

XM


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

megan







XM said it all, she's so right about all of it

soon after my first m/c 13 years ago I saw a friend who'd just had her first baby, everyone had been so careful of my feelings (I was pretty nuts, up and down so fast my head was spinning) and she came up to me in a public place and plonked this new baby in my arms

it was so confronting - and so healing, I carried that dear baby for an hour of bliss

babies and little kids always have that healing effect for me and I often get teary over them too - it's an emotional business, life, and so it should be

just go on feeling whatever comes up, don't compare, or invalidate your own feelings

some of us have a longer term perspective and may sound sensible enough in print with an edit facility - we all have our lost and overwhelmed times too, even years later (though they do get less, and less intense). It's all very fresh for you, the emotional is still well bound up with the physical changes, of course you are having a tough time, give yourself plenty of space and time to recover.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

This poem was written by a friend of a friend. It comes to mind when I read your post Megan - hugs to you. I know this is a really painful time. Remember, these are YOUR feelings and you have a right to feel them. This is a healing process.

*Babies*
Babies, babies everywhere,
they're all around it seems.

No matter where it is I go
the're haunting all my dreams.

I see them in their mother's arms
all I can do is stare.

It hurts sometimes to look at them
it doesn't seem quite fair.

I went thorough what their mothers did,
my belly also grew.

So why, then, do they have their kids
and I am without you?

_Julie Carleton - in memory of Laura_


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## seagan (Jul 5, 2002)

There is just something about newborns, I think. They're always somewhat magical and amazing, of course, almost otherwordly or something, but since my miscarriage in October they have taken on even greater significance for me. I can talk about the miscarriage, even start thinking about TTC again, and feel pretty strong all around, but if I see a newborn....boy, I'm back to square one, and the power of grief and despair is upon me.

I find I can still barely look at them...I find I'm turning away from them (absolutely a first in my lifetime!). In a way, it's become a measure of where I am in my grieving. When I can look upon a newborn's face with joy again, I'll know I'm in a different place. Not "over" my loss (as I don't think believe one ever "gets over" a loss completely, or at least that's not how I look at grief), but moved to a different, less raw place with it.

darcy


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I was 5.5 weeks when we lost our baby last week. The miscarriage was far more devistating than I ever could have imagined I thought I'd be able to accept it as something that wasn't meant to be but I can't.

That was your baby you lost, whether you had him or her for a week a month, 9 months whatever, it was still your baby and you need to grieve for your loss.

I too already have a child but you know what for some reason that isn't very comforting, I lost this baby, and I'm very upset by it.

You have every right to grieve, do so, talk to people, post to us, write a letter to your baby, give it a sex and a name if that helps. You could also get a book, either buy one or get one from the library.

I've found what has helped the most this week is just knowing I'm not alone, other women have gone through this and felt like I do.


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## Benjismom (Aug 24, 2002)

I lost my second pregnancy about a year ago at 9 weeks and (as you can see from the fact that I still come here even though I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again) I still think about the loss and lurk here to get help processing it.

Please don't fall into the "I have one child already so I should feel lucky" trap. People were actually insensitive enough to say that to me, and I tried to make myself believe it. But it's BS. It made me feel even worse because then I not only felt bad about the m/c but also decided I was an ungrateful terrible person who probably didn't even deserve the wonderful child I have. You can always imagine someone who's worse off than you--I'm glad I'm not a leper or starving or terminally ill--but so what?

One admonition I will give you that I wish I'd known about: be very careful about the places you go to get support. I found that there were a number of boards where women who had had multiple miscarriages kind of established a hierarchy or pecking order in which women who hadn't had as many losses had their feelings trivialized, as though you can't possibly know grief unless you've had X losses or tried to conceive for X years. If you hear anything like this, RUN!!!! (This board has no such problems and is full of very supportive women who give excellent advice.)


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Beth, beauifully written - thank you, I agree with you.

Darcy, No, you'll never "Get Over" it. Your feelings are so normal -







- Be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time and space you need to get through. Things will soften in time, but, for now, take care of yourself.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Yes XM said it all.

I lost my second pregnancy at about 9 weeks 4 years ago. I still come here. It still hurts at the holidays and birthdays. To know what I should be experiencing. Give yourself as much time as you need.

Honestly I cried and stayed in bed for weeks afterwards. It had been 6 months since I finished chemo, I didn't know if it had caused permanant problems and this baby was very very much wanted and we opk'ed and everything to get pg. So we were both devastated.

You can't grieve by the calendar.

((HUGS))


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## Envision (Dec 6, 2002)

I always hated when people said "time heals all wounds.." agh..I would just want to spit in their faces...but it is true!

I think we sometimes think that if we feel for a moment or say out loud that we "are over it" then that means we can never become emotional about it again. It's never a closed book...just like we look back and still get joy from the happy moments in our life, like our marriages, our babies, the perfect gift when we were five...the same is true for our sad moments.

I think there are moments that I get more sad now because I see our 2nd ds doing things that I never got to see our 1st dd do...so there will be weeks when everyday I have a little cry and then other times I am just at peace for months on end...

One thing I realized this past while was that when I am pregnant...all of a sudden I am surrounded by pregnant ladies, and when I am not, it seems as though no one is pregnant around me...so for me when we had our m/c in August, I was sad because now I had dropped out of the "pregnant lady club" so to speak...







:

This board has so many great people and so many great words of encouragment...read them often and you will find that they will become more and more true..because of time.

I would also sit and allow a part of yourself to be proud. You are dealing with this sad, unfair situation. Many people decide to not deal with it, and nothing positive can come from that.
Everytime you wake up, feel good that you have the strength to do that.
Everytime you do something that you really don't want to do...feel good that you are living life, with all it's sadness and hardships...and that makes you one of the strongest people out there!

Hugs,
Oils


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

As one of the moms with a stillborn baby, I want you to know that five years ago I had an early miscarriage, and then an ectopic pregnancy. Both of those early losses were incredibly painful, and you have every right to feel the grief you are feeling. Please don't ever discount your experience because it was early, or because you have another child. I know that's easier said than done, because I constantly do that right now as I'm processing my loss of Kevin. I don't know why people feel they need to compare losses and minimize someone else's grief. Grief is grief, and we just need to feel it. I met a mom in my neighborhood the other day whose baby had Trisomy 18 and lived for 14 months. I appreciated so much that as she talked with me, she never once communicated the sense that my loss was somehow "less" than hers. That's what we all need--complete support as we mourn for our babies.

Please know that the pain will lessen with time. I did reach a point after my miscarriages when they felt somehow "healed", the pain wasn't raw anymore. I could see pregnant women and babies and they didn't remind me of my losses anymore. Be good to yourself, and allow yourself all the time and space you need to feel what you need to feel.

Love,
Katherine


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