# family bed/sleep deprivation/medically unhealthy?



## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

Okay...dd (one month old) breast fed, sleeps in a co-sleeper and sometimes naps in bed with me. It feels right to have her with us at night, but we will have to buy a bigger bed if we decide to keep her in bed with us. But honestly, after reading so many posts about exhausted mommies because baby nurses or thrashes all night doesn't make me want to have a family bed. Some mommies love the nursing all night or they sleep through it. I don't know if I can handle waking up all night for the next year or two. So, even though the family bed feels right, sleep deprivation isn't healthy for me or baby. Even after only a month of sleep deprivation I can tell I am cranky at times which is not normal for me. I know babies aren't supposed to sleep through the night but as they grow their sleep times should extend? Is it healthy for an older baby to wake so many times in the night? Some have posted that they discovered their babes could sleep if mom's breasts weren't there all night. I am totally sold on the AP stuff and want to practice as much as possible. But not sold on the family bed due to sleep deprivation for me and babe. I feel medically it could become unhealthy because the body and brain need healthy sleep every night. Anyone want to convince me that the family bed is beneficial enough for mom and baby to be sleep deprived? DH and I are really confused about this and we would appreciate any help/experiences you have. Thanks.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

My situation is such that I would actually get a lot less sleep having to wake up and soothe my baby back to sleep if she was in another room.

Some kids are just crappy sleepers, but I don't think co-sleeping makes them that way. Our daughter has always been a difficult sleeper and we didn't start co-sleeping until she was 3.5 mos old or so. (We are those "accidental" co-sleepers)

ETA: Dd is almost one year old and still up ~ every 2 hours.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

We've co-slept since day 1 and DS sleeps great. That's mostly because he's a good sleeper. Basically, keep in mind that you can do what works, and if it stops working try something else.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shami* 
Anyone want to convince me that the family bed is beneficial enough for mom and baby to be sleep deprived?

If baby is in bed with mom and mom sleeps when baby does, then sleep deprivation shouldn't get too bad.









Sleeping with infants is the biological norm for most mammals.

-Angela


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

You can just take things one day at a time. Tiny babies need to eat frequently day and night- you'd be getting up to feed the baby no matter what. Having the baby in bed means you don't have to get *up* to feed the baby at night, and you get more sleep.

When the baby gets a little bigger, you can try starting her out in her own bed (crib, bassinette, or cosleeper, whatever you have available) and then moving her into your bed if she wakes up at night needing to nurse. You can change the sleeping arrangements with an older infant or toddler if things stop working at some point in the future- no need to change what you're doing NOW because you're afraid of developing "bad habits."

It's much easier to establish new limits when the baby is older and fully ready for the limits than it is to try and establish them preventatively.

Also remember that the exhausted mommies are the ones who post about sleeping troubles. The families for whom co-sleeping is working fine with no troubles rarely post about it.


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## babymonster (Oct 1, 2007)

Remember that you don't always get a true representation from reading forums (fora? LOL







) - most people are posting on there because they have a problem, those who have great sleep probably don't frequent this forum as much...

I can honestly say I haven't been too sleep deprived - I think it would be a lot worse if I had to get up with him (he doesn't STTN but I don't think he wakes because of being in bed with me)


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## MommaGreenBean (May 8, 2007)

I just wanted to encourage you, I co-sleep with my 14 mo who nurses anywhere from all night to none at night and I am very well rested. Once they're past 6 or 12 weeks it gets easier, they're not so floppy and breastfeeding is second nature.

If anything, my husband wakes me up more! My baby doesn't hog the covers


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## Deir (Aug 19, 2005)

I found it very difficult to deal with sleep deprivation but I had two especially challenging sleepers. We did all kinds of variations of sleeping. It wasn't necesarily worse when they were co sleeping although I cn see what you are saying


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

well, no, sleep deprivation is not healthy. but i don't know a mom of an infant who gets enough sleep, whether they co-sleep or not. well, i take that back--i guess i do know a couple who CIO'd and claim to sleep all night most nights.

but if you plan to respond to your child's nightwakings (i.e. not let them cry), then it would seem to me that sleeping near to your child (if not with them) is the way to go.

some babies/moms sleep better in different rooms, and maybe you and your baby are one of those pairs, but the reality of the situation as i've come to see it is this: young babies don't sleep through the night. by and large they just don't. you're going to be awake some during the night, most nights, for a year or more.

given all that, where do you want your baby to sleep?


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## elspethshimon (Nov 23, 2007)

I don't have a baby yet, but I have terrible insomnia and know first hand how horrible sleep deprivation can feel.

That said, I fully intend to co-sleep _because_ of my sleep problems. I really don't see any other way. Otherwise, I will be up all night walking back and forth between my bed and his/hers. However, if I were treating my sleep issues with medication, I would probably not co-sleep.

Have you thought about a side-car? That might work better for you if you or your baby is given to tossing/turning...at least the extra space will keep you from unnecessary wakings due to kicking and thrashing.


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## jadzia's_mommy (Jun 9, 2005)

Hugs! No, I definitely don't think sleep deprivation is healthy. I think with a one month old, however, you'd be sleep deprived regardless of the sleeping arrangements. As for the future--don't worry about it at this point. I've co-slept with both my DDs and we've had times when sleep was great, and times when it wasn't so great. Teething, developmental changes, all that stuff will interfere with sleep no matter what you do. But I definitely don't think you need to commit now to being sleep deprived for the next 2 years. Even at a certain point if things aren't working well, then do things differently. My DD#1 hit a stage where she fell asleep best if I put her in the Amby and left the room. She'd just conk out without a peep. If I tried to rock or nurse her to sleep, she'd stay up for hours. So I went with it. And then one day that changed again and she wanted to be nursed to sleep and we started FT co-sleeping again for awhile. My point is, just try and go with what is working for the family.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

My 1st coslept and nursed every 2 hours for 19 months and I was never sleep-deprived. I nightweaned her easily, still cosleeping, then because I was pregnant and that was exhausting me. My 2nd refuses to cosleep, only wakes up maybe twice per night, and I am far more exhausted. She sleeps best in her own room, so the couple of times a night she does wake up I have to trek into her room, nurse her, put her back in her crib, go back to my room and resettle. It is sooooooooooooo tiring. I can't imagine CHOOSING to have a baby in another room. If my 2nd would cosleep I'd be in heaven!


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Our sleep arrangement is a crib right at my side of the bed and ds starts off in his crib and we kind of go back and forth between co-sleeping and crib sleeping during the night. From what I have noticed, my sleep is just as crappy whether he is in the bed, or in the crib. In the bed I can't get comfy with the xtra body in the bed (even though we love ds cuddled in with us), and in the crib I have to keep getting up to feed him. I have been experiencing wicked headaches this past month and finally put 2 and 2 together...no sleep = headaches. I can't go on like this. So I am thinking the best solution is to get a king sized bed, and then we can all sleep comfortably.

To the OP: If you say you are on board with the other AP points, then you would be getting up at night to feed your babe. The family bed just makes that more convenient. And if you all have enough room to get cozy then I think sleep deprivation wouldn't even really be an issue.


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babymonster* 
Remember that you don't always get a true representation from reading forums (fora? LOL







) - most people are posting on there because they have a problem, those who have great sleep probably don't frequent this forum as much...

I can honestly say I haven't been too sleep deprived - I think it would be a lot worse if I had to get up with him (he doesn't STTN but I don't think he wakes because of being in bed with me)

I just wanted to say this is a good point. All the well rested Mama's are hanging out in other forums.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *junipermuse* 
I just wanted to say this is a good point. All the well rested Mama's are hanging out in other forums.

True that.

How I long for those days of six interrupted hours of sleep again.


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## Curlita (Jan 10, 2005)

I should be up front and say that we don't cosleep.







: I think the bottom line is -- is it working for you? Is it working for baby? If baby is only a month old and you cosleep and it feels right, then that seems to work for you right now. I would adjust as adjustments seem necessary and see how it goes for you. Each baby and each parent are so different, I would think it would be hard to extrapolate what works for you based on other people's experiences.


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## maiat (Dec 15, 2006)

The reasons I keep co-sleeping are;

I just can't bear the thought of getting UP to tend to her every few hours

she needs me at night. She's often cold, hot, wet, poopy, scared, hungry. How is she supposed to take care of those things herself? If she wasn't next to me, I'd never know what she needed until she went into full cry mode to wake me from another room.

My 7 mo is a thrasher so I have 2 mattresses on the floor, a twin for her and a full for me, pushed together against the wall. I roll to her side to nurse her and then back to my mattress to sleep. If she seems cold, I bring her onto my mattress to cuddle her.


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

You are worrying about the future... your future is unknown to you. If it is a problem (sleep deprivation) then I believe it should be remedied.

My first born... we co-slept (he went to his own twin bed at age 2? and I went to him when he woke up and stayed there) and he nursed A LOT at night, but it never bothered me.

My 2nd, around age 2 (she went to her own twin bed at age 1) disrupted my sleep A LOT (although she did not nurse as much as he did) and it drove me crazy. I tried night weaning, but fell back to it. I night weaned both around 3 years.

Looking back, with my 2nd, the sleep deprivation was a huge problem for me and I should have just night weaned.

I still lie with her to sleep and go to her when she wakes (usually 5 or 6am) so in her mind, we are together at night, so it works for us.

So basically, I think the cure is night weaning... not a popular view on MDC, so be it. I'm not saying night weaning during infancy, I mean over a year (beyond a year.)

Dr. Jay Gordon - Changing the Sleep Pattern in the Family Bed
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

I have 4 kids, and never felt that our "family bed" was to blame for not sleeping. Quite the contrary, I only felt that "sleep" deprivation whe my LO *WASN'T*in our bed.

You have to find what works for you as a family, and then go with it. What works for some wont work for others. AP parenting is all about balance, and being open to finding the balance. Also, be patient- you have a long time to get the hang of being a parent.

on that note... Congratulation on being a parent!


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

Thank you mamas! I am soaking in all your responses! Some things you have said have touched my heart and helped my psyche.

1. not to worry about the future, just do what works for the time being
2. not to be concerned about starting bed sharing and having to stop due to lack of sleep-we'll cross that bridge if/when it comes
3. some co sleep because baby has frequent night wakings--night wakings aren't necessarily caused by the co-sleeping
4. sleep when the baby sleeps!
5. she has many needs at night, too!

I needed to hear this. I try to plan everything, but I don't even know what dd will need regarding sleep as she grows (dd only 1 month old). I do believe co-sleeping/bed sharing is very good for baby and even biologically normal for mammals! I love her being in the co-sleeper or in bed with us and every time I thought of putting her in a crib in another room...well, I had no peace. Since I don't like to let her get to a full cry she needs to be next to me. Now I have peace knowing we are doing what's best for her at this time, and we'll figure things out as new needs develop. I would still love to hear more replies if anyone has time. Thanks...I feel better.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

If it feels right to have her in the bed then that's what you do for now. Trust your instincts. If this doesn't work for your family you'll know.

Also, if the co-sleeper is working...go with that for now.

Hugs and congratulations on the new baby.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
You can just take things one day at a time. Tiny babies need to eat frequently day and night- you'd be getting up to feed the baby no matter what. Having the baby in bed means you don't have to get *up* to feed the baby at night, and you get more sleep.

When the baby gets a little bigger, you can try starting her out in her own bed (crib, bassinette, or cosleeper, whatever you have available) and then moving her into your bed if she wakes up at night needing to nurse. You can change the sleeping arrangements with an older infant or toddler if things stop working at some point in the future- no need to change what you're doing NOW because you're afraid of developing "bad habits."

It's much easier to establish new limits when the baby is older and fully ready for the limits than it is to try and establish them preventatively.

Also remember that the exhausted mommies are the ones who post about sleeping troubles. The families for whom co-sleeping is working fine with no troubles rarely post about it.

Yeah to all of the above. My babies slept in a sidecarred bassinette, in our bed, in their cribs.... at each new stage, we found something that worked. Nothing you do needs to be permanent, and the only "habit" you're building is getting the sleep baby needs.

We did the basinette for the first few months, then did a combination of our bed and crib - babies really wanted to be asleep for the night earlier than I was ready, so for that they went down in crib, but when they awoke I brought them into our bed, usually for the remainder of the night (my #2, however, quickly made it clear as a toddler she didn't like to sleep with anyone touching her. Now she's more cuddly and often comes in with us in the wee hours, but then, oy.

Do what works and keeps everyone happy and getting the most sleep possible.


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

FWIW my experience was that we co-slept and planned to continue indefinitely. Then I got pregnant very soon after and I had to put DS in a separate bed in our room because he was very squirmy. He was fine for about a month, even slept better that way. Then he needed more frequent nursings so he went in a co-sleeper. Finally he went through a rough spot and I decided the only way we were going to get ANY sleep is if he was back in bed with us. He doesn't squirm anymore and although it's a lot harder to put him to sleep at night he does sleep very soundly all night and doesn't even wake up at 4 am like he used to. DS is 8 months and we've gone through a LOT of sleep variations. Sometimes I'm at my wits' end and other times it's peaceful for a few nights and I regain my sanity. I say just go with what works at the moment; forget long term plans. Switch as needed by the development stage.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I agree with many points made, many moms don't post on here because we are happy with how things are going, i rarely come on this board.







And just because some families don't co-sleep doesn't mean that their children are sleeping through the night, and not waking their parents up.

Parenting is HARD, night time parenting is very hard, everything is always so much worse when you are exhausted, night time is when emotions seem to run really high. Hence the reason so many people have desperate posts. Nothing is easy when it comes to children, and they change it up every day. What worked yesterday, might not work today, but it might two weeks from now.







Take every thing day by day, and eventually the years fly by.

Yes, I am tired, I am tired frequently, but a few things.... You do learn to live on less sleep, not ideal, but when you have one child that is a night owl and one that is an early bird then you learn to deal with it. I could not imagine anything other then rolling over to comfort my teething, miserable 13 month old DD2. She has been waking up very single hour crying, her gums hurt, she isn't doing this to me. She finds comfort in my arms, at my breast, it makes the pain go away, so why shouldn't she find some comfort in that? It isn't forever, they really do grow up so fast, so I treasure every snuggle that I get while I can, well most anyway.


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

SublimeBirthGirl, how did you nurse every 2 hours for 19 months and not get sleep deprived? Please, I need to know your secret!


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## elspethshimon (Nov 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shami* 
SublimeBirthGirl, how did you nurse every 2 hours for 19 months and not get sleep deprived? Please, I need to know your secret!

I cannot speak for SublimeBirthGirl, but I've done a lot of research on sleep deprivation and sleep cycles and what not. I seem to remember reading about a woman who did something like that (nursing every couple of hours) and whose sleep cycle basically adapted itself to her child's nursing patterns so that she would wake to nurse during the early cycle and fall quickly back to sleep. Because her sleep cycle was somewhat consistent, she didn't suffer from many of the ill effects of sleep deprivation.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

*Once I stopped worrying about it*... I sank into a pretty idyllic nighttime relationship with my son. He's always been a baby who just wakes.. nurses back to sleep. No drama.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I think you need to do what works best for you and your family and not worry about labelling it AP or not. I personally do not like co-sleeping. Its cozy and all but I get no sleep. I do much better with the baby in a crib or something, next to the bed at first and in their own room later on. Its what works for us.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elspethshimon* 
I cannot speak for SublimeBirthGirl, but I've done a lot of research on sleep deprivation and sleep cycles and what not. I seem to remember reading about a woman who did something like that (nursing every couple of hours) and whose sleep cycle basically adapted itself to her child's nursing patterns so that she would wake to nurse during the early cycle and fall quickly back to sleep. Because her sleep cycle was somewhat consistent, she didn't suffer from many of the ill effects of sleep deprivation.

I can't speak for her either, but IME you do just adapt. It's not unusual for me to wake up and brag that DS STTN and for DH to laugh and say that every time HE woke up, DS was nursing his little head off. You just adapt and sleep through it.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *D_McG* 
I can't speak for her either, but IME you do just adapt. It's not unusual for me to wake up and brag that DS STTN and for DH to laugh and say that every time HE woke up, DS was nursing his little head off. You just adapt and sleep through it.

or you don't sleep through it, but you still adapt


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## clavicula (Apr 10, 2005)

i just wanted to add: co-sleeping really saved my life. dd2 is 8 mo and nursing through the night, i am totally fine with that. no way i would get out of the bed in the middle of the night!


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