# Dance teacher yelling at kids



## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

My son takes a breakdancing class for 6-9 year olds. It is all boys except for one girl. The teacher is guy who is probably in his early 20s at the oldest. I stay in the waiting area during the class and I have heard him yelling at the kids. He will yell, "Get over here right now!" when the kids are getting distracted and he is quite harsh with them sometimes. My son loves the class and hasn't mentioned it but it disturbs me. I don't pay good money for my son to be yelled at. My son is also suffering from bipolar disorder (not formally diagnosed yet - in the process) and he is not on any medications. It is very common for him to get distracted if he is in a manic phase or to be lethargic if he is in a depressive phase. I don't want to pull him because he loves breakdancing...I just don't know what to do.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

Perhaps you could ask the teacher if there are any problems on his end and letting him know of your concerns with the barking of orders.
It might make a difference if he knows you are hearing him.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebandg'smama* 
Perhaps you could ask the teacher if there are any problems on his end and letting him know of your concerns with the barking of orders.
It might make a difference if he knows you are hearing him.









: Perhaps all you have to do is privately bring it to his attention and it may stop.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

My kids do karate. I know from watching them for years, there are times when kids will get "yelled at" or talked to harshly... or be told to drop and give em' 20 push-ups. It does not bother me for as long as there is no name calling or it is not degrading. My guess is it is the same reason as it is in karate. If a kid is goofing off or not paying attention they are probably not learning what they need to and more importantly, could get hurt.

Say something if you still feel you need to...


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

The church where my daughter has choir has a "two adult rule" and while I at first thought that was maybe too cautious, I can see the benefit here. Someone should be supervising the teacher. Even if it's only "verbal discipline" I think it's fair to say I do not want my child yelled at in an activity class and do not want them to see any more yelling than necessary. I want them dismissed calmly and unemotionally if they are distracting the class. I might approach the director there and ask that they institute a rule that children get 1 or 2 calm warnings and then are dismissed from class if they are not on task, and that given the discipline problems the boys are having, another adult should be in there to help.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think I would have to hear it myself in order to make a judgement. I will say that my children have had very strict, stern, unwarm activity teachers/coaches -- and LOVED them. It boggles my mind, really. There have been swim coaches and sunday school teachers who scare me, but who my children have taken to with an amazing amount of affection and appreciation. And at the same time, there have been teachers who were warm and gentle, but who they have not liked at all.

Now, a handful of times they have experienced teachers who are actually mean. Like -- picking a child out of the group to mock in front of the others, and thats sort of thing. And that does NOT fly with my kids. They will storm out in a rage of tears, wanting to defend whatever child was singled out.

So I guess, somehow or another, my kids have learned to distinguish true cruelty from "abrupt" or "strict" personality types, and I've learned (over the years) to trust their judgement about these things. Its hard though!


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I think I would have to hear it myself in order to make a judgement. I will say that my children have had very strict, stern, unwarm activity teachers/coaches -- and LOVED them. It boggles my mind, really. There have been swim coaches and sunday school teachers who scare me, but who my children have taken to with an amazing amount of affection and appreciation. And at the same time, there have been teachers who were warm and gentle, but who they have not liked at all.

Now, a handful of times they have experienced teachers who are actually mean. Like -- picking a child out of the group to mock in front of the others, and thats sort of thing. And that does NOT fly with my kids. They will storm out in a rage of tears, wanting to defend whatever child was singled out.

So I guess, somehow or another, my kids have learned to distinguish true cruelty from "abrupt" or "strict" personality types, and I've learned (over the years) to trust their judgement about these things. Its hard though!









:
I think that is really wise. And hard. I find I project my own temperment onto my kids, my own past life experiences. So what would have sent me running from the class in tears, is not necessarily what is going to happen with my kids.
Allowing your dc to learn these lessons of discernment are very valuable.


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I think I would have to hear it myself in order to make a judgement. I will say that my children have had very strict, stern, unwarm activity teachers/coaches -- and LOVED them. It boggles my mind, really. There have been swim coaches and sunday school teachers who scare me, but who my children have taken to with an amazing amount of affection and appreciation. And at the same time, there have been teachers who were warm and gentle, but who they have not liked at all.

Now, a handful of times they have experienced teachers who are actually mean. Like -- picking a child out of the group to mock in front of the others, and thats sort of thing. And that does NOT fly with my kids. They will storm out in a rage of tears, wanting to defend whatever child was singled out.

So I guess, somehow or another, my kids have learned to distinguish true cruelty from "abrupt" or "strict" personality types, and I've learned (over the years) to trust their judgement about these things. Its hard though!

Very well put...it's like "child led" judgement!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebandg'smama* 







:
I think that is really wise. And hard. I find I project my own temperment onto my kids, my own past life experiences. So what would have sent me running from the class in tears, is not necessarily what is going to happen with my kids.
Allowing your dc to learn these lessons of discernment are very valuable.

Also, so true! I like the idea of letting the young child learn some lessons. (and probably teach me a few!!)

Personally, I would draw the line at public embarassment. If the teacher is just out of patience with a large class of kids...no big deal. (To me) Sounds like he could you use some help.

My past experiences have also shaped my teaching/coaching preferences. I actually prefer a stern/harsher coach, when I really need to improve in something. You see it all the time in college and pro sports. And, I think of the military, too. When it comes to motivating a large group of people, sometimes you have to be "harsh."

To the OP...I know at that young age bi-polar and ADHD are extremely difficult to diagnose and differentiate. I'm glad your taking your time to reach a decision. Good luck.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

I would follow your son's lead here, as long as the teacher isn't going over the line with shaming. How does he feel about it? As long as he's enjoying the class, and doesn't feel singled out or belittled, I would let it go, but keep a close eye on it.

My dd did competitive gymnastics for 8 yrs, 20+ hrs/wk. Before she committed, she did a bunch of other sports recreationally. In my opinion, dance, gymnastics and skating seem to attract an extraordinary number of prima dona teachers/coaches who act like an Olympic gold medal is at stake at every lesson. Martial arts, like karate, are inherently authoritarian, so you get a lot of no-nonsense "I'm the boss so listen up and do as I say" types. In other sports, by and large, the coaches don't tend to get tough until the play gets more competitive. Within those gross generalizations, there is a lot of variation among teachers. Different kids have different sensitivities, and you just need to find a good fit for your own child.

With my dd, there were a bunch of coaches that were screamers, but the one thing that really made her bristle was when the coach said, "you're not trying," when she made a mistake. She felt like she was always trying, and that the coach was completely devaluing her efforts. I spoke to the coach about it, and he just said, "Judges don't give points for effort."







: I told dd, when he says your not trying, just take that to mean you didn't quite nail it, and try again. That helped her.


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## 1xmom (Dec 30, 2003)

In my dd's afterschool program the director, imo seemed to yell a lot. It really bothered me, and when I would talk to my dd it didn't seem to bother her. I did however talk to the director at one point and she mentioned to me that some of the kids get out of hand, and she is usually yelling at the out of control kids and not the majority. THe kids basically knew who she was talking to. Now this year, there is a new director and less kids and practically very little if any yelling. But like others have said, talk to your child about it and see what he thinks.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

There is a difference, IMO, between yelling/shaming/putting-down and yelling/loud/to-be-heard/to-get-control. I guess that is what I would be watching for.

I am working in a school this year where there are a lot of behavior problems, and I am having to actually learn the yelling/loud/making-myself-heard technique. Its very difficult for me, actually, but I see how/where it is necessary as an occasional tool for dealing with groups of rowdy kids.


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
There is a difference, IMO, between yelling/shaming/putting-down and yelling/loud/to-be-heard/to-get-control. I guess that is what I would be watching for.

I am working in a school this year where there are a lot of behavior problems, and I am having to actually learn the yelling/loud/making-myself-heard technique. Its very difficult for me, actually, but I see how/where it is necessary as an occasional tool for dealing with groups of rowdy kids.

I could have written this. I teach children's dance classes. I find myself raising my voice in one particular class because the general noise level in that class is much higher than in other classes - it's just rowdier.

I have also pulled my dd from a dance class where the teacher was shaming kids - pointing out one child in particular who did a step poorly and saying "That was wrong, don't do it like her." My dd came out of class in tears - she felt so sorry for the picked-on child - and said "Don't ever make me take a class with Ms. Anisha again." She didn't, EVER.

I would say talk to the director of the studio. S/he needs to know how the teacher is directing the class, and that parent(s) are concerned. IMO, young 20-something males often do not really understand how to deal with children, how to draw out their best behavior, their best effort. Some do, usually those who have had close contact with children (children of their own, helped raise younger siblings, etc). But the young male teachers dd has had generally had little idea of how to make positive, effective communication with kids.

If you are in the mood to make suggestions, you might consider giving him a book on communication with children. I highly recommend "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" and "How to Talk so Kids Will Learn" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.


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## mommymo (Nov 3, 2004)

I have tried gentle discipline for 3.5 years with my daughter. I can nicely ask her to stop doing this or to please do this instead until I am blue, and it has absolutely no affect whatsoever. In order to get her attention I absolutely must raise my voice, speak in an authoritative, not-so-nice way in order to make any impression with her. She is very strong and can take it. I, on the other hand, hate doing this. I want her to be the type of child who needs only an anapproving glance from me in order to change the undesired actions/behavior. She isn't this type of child, though. She is a very good girl, on the whole (thank goodness for this). But, when discipline is needed, I have to get "mean" with her. Sometimes this makes me cry more than it makes her cry. The alternative, though, would be a 3.5 year old doing whatever whenever.

In a group or classroom environment, the instructor is required to do what he has to do, within reason, in order to maintain order. The unfortunate thing about this is that not all parents have the same ethos regarding discipline. While I might be appalled by how the teacher maintains order, another might be sighing in relief that somebody can handle her child.

My 3.5 year old is now a very talented swimmer, but a stubborn pupil for her instructor. I purposefuly chose this instructor when my daughter was first learning because she is very stern, strict, and won't put up with any of the BS that my daughter is capable of dishing out. She NEEDS this type of instructor, especially when learning to swim- a life saving skill. Now, she loves her swimming instructor.

This can be a harsh world at times, and our children need to be able to handle the different types of people that they will encounter. My job as mommy is to help my daughters deal with difficult people and challenging experiences, even when these situations are created by the caregivers to whom I have entrusted my precious children. I cannot create the perfect bubble for my kids. Sometimes I feel like crying when other kids are mean to mine on the playground, and I want to scream at those urchins' parents. Instead, I teach my daughters how to handle the situation with good character. I keep in mind a quote I once read, somewhere or another. It goes something like this: Strength of character is not formed from the good times, but the difficult ones.

Unless this teacher is abusing the children, I don't know if I would push the proverbial panic button. Give it some time and keep a watchful eye.


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## thismomwrites (Oct 25, 2007)

My kids also have strict teachers in a dance class (dd) and in their sports class (both dd and ds). My kids don't seem to mind at all, and my dd has even commented that she likes the strictness because they get more dancing done when there isn't any goofing off.

In the sports class, part of the strictness is a matter of safety and the kids seem to know that. I call one coach the Drill Sergent, but my kids seem to be proud that they can handle his toughness and I haven't seen them take any of his comments personally. Though he doesn't take the approach I wish he would, I do appreciate that my kids are developing a thick skin and the ability to learn from him without it being "warm and fuzzy." I seems like the kids in the class are proud of how disciplined they are as a group - sort of a bonding thing - when he says "jump!" they all jump.

In one dance class, the teacher is sweet and loving, but she has no control in her classroom. Both my kids were in that class and they didn't like it. They were there to dance and the disruptive kids made it unpleasant and unproductive. The sweet teacher would lose her patience and her sweetness was dripping in spite, if you know what I mean.

If the teacher is teaching dancing, if the kids are learning and feeling good, then I wouldn't intervene.

I also think it's good for the kids to experience different types of teaching and to learn the skill of deciding if a skill is worth the strict teaching in order to learn it. Sometimes it will be, sometimes it won't be.


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