# Well, I'm a terrible Mother! (bedwetting)



## ChristineAL (Jan 19, 2017)

Mother of a son, 13. First time on a parenting forum.

I feel so terrible, I'm reaching out for support and advice.

My son has always had wetting issues, mostly bedwetting with a few daytime accidents here and there.

I admit to being frustrated with the accidents and with the assurances of friends, families and doctors that he would have grown out of it by now. But that's no excuse for what happened.

My husband (father) is less understanding about the wetting and sees it as something he could control if he wanted to. My son has always worn a pull-up to bed, but 9 days ago, on his 13th birthday, at his father's urging we switched to diapers.

First mistake: they were sprung on him as one of his presents. [I know, sorry.] His pull-ups had started to leak as he got older and we felt it was time for heavier protection; and when he complained his father said that he was a big baby bedwetter and had to wear them.

And I... I suppose due to frustration... added to his embarrassment scolding him for still needing night pants at all.

For the next week he wore the diaper at night, wet it each night, and faced scolding and shaming for it.

Two days ago I realized he had been in the shower for way too long, and went in to find him sitting on floor of the tub, now-cold water spraying down on him. He was shivering, but just sat there starring straight ahead. I had to shake him and call out to him for what felt like two minutes before he snapped out of it and looked at me. He was confused and couldn't tell me what was wrong.

I took him to urgent care and they did all the usual tests. Finally my son asked to speak to the doctor alone. Then he admitted that he had been getting increasingly stressed and depressed; and had been trying not to fall asleep until two or three in the morning so he wouldn't sleep long enough to wet. So instead of sleeping he was hiding in his closet, crying. The night before, he said, he had cried so hard that he made himself sick and threw up.

I was devastated. We had literally driven our son to a breakdown. The doctor gave him medicine to help him calm down and get us an emergency therapy appointment for the next day (yesterday.)

His therapist is great, and is helping him to talk about his feelings; and also set me straight on giving him support not shame or punishments. He's staying on the medication for a while, and in therapy twice a week (one with a family session)

Dad and I are both on board and have realized our mistakes, but I still feel like crap for hurting him so badly.

He's wearing a diaper to bed still, but with our love and support as a way to help him get a good nights sleep - with no judgement if he wets (he doesn't even have to tell us if he wet or not, unless he wants too.)

So, that's our terrible story. I'm trying extra hard to show him my love; and welcome any advice and support my fellow Moms can offer!

Christie


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

We all make mistakes. The best thing to do now is move forward on a better path. I'm glad he's getting therapy. Hopefully, you're also seeing a pediatric urologist to see if there's anything physically wrong.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Yup, don't beat yourself up too much. Admit the mistake, apologize for it, and support him in moving forward. You're doing well. In some ways it's good for kids to know that their parents can admit to screwing up. This is a good age to say something like "Now that you're a teenager we should be trying to trust you more and control you less. You're growing up and you know a lot, especially about what you need. We need to do a better job of listening to what you have to say. I want to really remember this lesson as we move ahead."

I think your husband might benefit from some education about the nature of bedwetting. At its root it is a disorder of sleep, not a failure of mature bladder control, and there's a large hereditary component. This article describes it pretty well: http://www.sleepandhealth.com/bedwetting-sleep-disorder-can-and-should-be-treate/

If your ds wants to try treatment, I'd recommend a no-wires vibratory alarm like the Nighthawk. These help retrain the brain's arousal system and can be very effective. But I certainly wouldn't suggest it right now, not unless he starts asking what can be done.

Miranda


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## ChristineAL (Jan 19, 2017)

Thanks for the kind words! Things have calmed down here from the initial event. We've promised DS that we'll never yell at him again for accidents, and are committed to listening to him and his therapist in our family sessions. An alarm sounds like something we could try when he's in a better head-state if he wants to. He's told us he really doesn't mind wearing a diaper so long as he isn't teased for it.

Husband is on board now. Our therapist explained it in a way he could understand (Do you think he enjoys being yelled at? Do you think he wants to have embarrassing accidents? Would you punish him for having asthma?) 

He has been to a urologist, and there's nothing physically wrong with him (apart from seemingly weak bladder muscles.) We tried muscle-strengthening exercises in the past, but attempting to hold it caused too many wet-pant episodes, and he says it hurts too much to do the start-and-stop exercises. He's always been a "I need to go NOW" kind of kid and still has infrequent daytime accidents from time to time.

He's been off school this week for a "rest period" per his Ped, and I noticed he was wearing a diaper in the evening yesterday. I did say he should still use the toilet if he can but I'm not too worried about a little extra diaper wearing at home right now if it helps him, and he already assured me there is no way he wants to be in a diaper at school.

Apart from the wetting issues, he's a super-smart, but sensitive kid and I still can't believe I let myself hurt him like that. It won't happen again!


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## cschanz3939 (May 5, 2017)

*Bed wetting answered*

I have a website with lots of info on the subject as well as info on some of the more popular alarms available on the market. Check it out and see what you think. https://bedwettinganswered.com/ I hope that's helpful.


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

Any updates? Have you figured out what's causing this? I've been learning a lot about sensory processing disorders, which are diagnosed by occupational therapists. Apparently bed-wetting can be indicative of SPD. I hope things are going better! You did the right thing by reaching out to professionals. :hug


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## laurenperelli (Aug 24, 2017)

ChristineAL said:


> Mother of a son, 13. First time on a parenting forum.
> 
> I feel so terrible, I'm reaching out for support and advice.
> 
> ...


Sorry that your family went through all that but at least things seem to have gotten better for you guys. I definitely understand the frustration of having an older child who still bedwets, my son is nearly 11 and still has accidents frequently. My husband, his stepfather is not as understanding as he should be, so it's a similar situation. Right now we deal with it by using pullups and I try to bve as understanding as I can be but it can be frustrating


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