# so sick of the comments/lack of sympathy/lack of support!!



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I'm so tired all the time from my toddler's nightwaking. Somedays I feel like a zombie. Virtually almost everyone I speak to about it responds by indirectly suggesting that it is my own fault, and that if I would just put my foot down I could put and end to it. The insinuation is that is is a result of my own parenting choices, and that all I have to do is make a decision and I could fix it in a week. It just isn't that simple. Darn it.

Just needed to vent.


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## auld reekie (Nov 24, 2001)

Hey,mammaduck just wanted to send you some hugs for all you are doing for your child.
I too went through the zombie days and the negative comments.
people need to praise you for what you are doing and often the simple act of offering to make you a cup of tea and be a listening ear can mean so much and get you through this stage.
it wasn't unusual for my son to be awake every 20 mins in the frist three years of his life.He will be five this month and i still relish the fact that he only wakes once at night!!
So as you go about in your"haze" remember last night was one night closer to the one when you will get some proper sleep


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## Jude's Mama (Nov 30, 2002)

Michelle


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

Mamaduck -







I too get the negative comments all of the time. It gets old and fast! However, something my priest said today just really clicked in my head. He was talking about how our society is a big "I want" society. And instead, we should eliminate that phrase from our vocabulary and do what is best for our entire family unit. Yes, I want to get eight hours of straight sleep at night but what is best for my baby? My other kids? They need me. I swear if people weren't so selfish then we would have a much better world to live in. Just know that what you are doing is wonderful, hard and tiring, but wonderful! And discover the wonderful world of coffee. I swore I'd never drink it but some days I can't get by without it! Good luck!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Thanks ladies. I knew you'd understand. Yes, coffee is my salvation! Lots and lots of coffee.

The holidays are always hard because of stuff like this. Everyone has a comment, you know?

Well, the holidays are over and I'm intending to hole myself up for a week or so and not subject to insulting people at all. I'm feeling sooo sensitive right now!


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## chicklet (Dec 23, 2002)

some people are just so ignorant. our society today seems to be so selfish and lazy - they just worry about what's in it for them and how to make things easier on them. well, raising a child is just about the most difficult challenge we have to face in life - that is raising a child well. my sweet babe never EVER slept with any kind of routine and never for very long. we went through some LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG nights together but i feel the time i spent with her is an investment in her, the person she will become. she won't remember those nights as i will, but she won't have unanswered attachment issues that so many people seem to face today. in my opinion, CIO and ferber cause so much destruction to the delicate senses of a child.
from my own experiences i have a brother who was adopted from korea when he was 13 mo old. he was given up at 4mo and spent 8mo in an orphanage waiting to be adopted. he is now 15yrs old, and despite my parents giving him a loving and secure family life, suffers from attachment disoders. this will haunt him throughout his lifetime. i feel CIO and ferber do the same kind of damage.
it is absolutly none of any one else's business how any of us choose to raise our children, it is between ourselves and our conscience. i count my blessings everyday that i have found support from sources like dr. sears and mothering to enforce my instincts while raising my children. you just keep doing what feels right for you and your babies.


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## Curious (Jan 4, 2002)

Sometimes when Dd would wake at night I'd drag us out of bed to the rocker so as not to wake Dh, feeling like I was near death with exhaustion. As I'd hold her in the dark, and she'd settle down and nurse back to sleep, I'd remind myself how one day I'd probably look fondly on such moments, and rather than mourn them gone 10 years from now, I should relish the sweetness that was present under my sleey fog. When Dd wakes in the night I try to focus on her cute little face, and remember that it's only a short time that she'll be at this stage, and now I have a few extra minutes to be with her for it.

People and their comments - my mother would say let it go "in one ear and out the other."


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I understand. Parenting is hard work, no matter what methods you use, but it seems that when I try to just vent about it, what I get instead is unsolicited advice. I don't need it, I'm happy with how we do things and DD is an excellent sleeper. And ITA with ekblad7's post, too. Many of the "suggestions" mean putting my wants ahead of DD's needs, and I simply won't do that.

Curious, your post touched me. Last night DD was up past her usual self-imposed bedtime due to New Year's Eve. She had a very hard time getting to sleep when we got home. She'd be just about out lying next to me nursing, I'd be almost asleep, then suddenly she'd wake up crying and I'd have to get out of bed and rock her in my arms to get her down again. It was very unlike her but I found myself getting really frustrated with having to get up and rock her back to sleep again and again...then I just looked at her face and thought "my poor baby, this can't be fun for her either" and my whole attitude changed. I felt glad that I could comfort her and give her what she needed to help her sleep and it became very special.


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## Sahara (Nov 28, 2001)

I really needed to read this thread!! DS (20 mo) has been having terrible sleep problems, and I thought maybe nightweaning would help. I tried the other night, just to let him nurse till he was almost back to sleep and then unlatch and he started to cry. It broke my heart, I can't have my baby crying himself to sleep, so I put him right back on the breast and he fell asleep happy.
Sometimes I think it is totally my fault, too mamaduck. At least we know we are doing our best.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

***note to nursing moms, coffee intake can increase wakefulness in some little ones***

It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Yes, you could put your foot down. You could leave your little one screaming alone like my mom left me, and not turn back. But you are BETTER than that. You are more HARDWORKING than that. You are more COMPASSIONATE than that. And if you fail sometimes, if you burn out and do not always parent the way you want, that's understandable too.

The insinuation that this is from your parenting choices...well yes and no. If your child has waking from food sensitivities, ear infection or teething, that kind of response is a JOKE.
But if they mean that, by teaching your child that you are THERE for them, you encouraged the child to TRUST you and your love, to BELIEVE in you, Mom, to believe that you will be THERE for your child to the best of your ability(we all burn out sometimes, but doing the best you can!)

well those are GOOD parenting choices. Not always simple, being simple does not make for the healthiest children phsyically and emotionally.

You are the kind of mom I respect.

You ROCK.

And it DOES get better, I promise!


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## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

I needed this thread too...

It took almost an hour to get dd down for a nap yesterday, then she slept for forty-five. Then it took another hour to get her ot bed, even though she was completely exhausted. I was rocking her in the rocking chair, crying while she was crying. Thanks for the backup and support!


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## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

You know I understand, mamaduck... My MIL was just visiting, and kept asking every morning, "How'd the baby sleep last night?" Followed once by, "When are you going to put him in his own bed?" None of your damn business, you meddling old woman. No, I did not really say that. I said, "When it feels right to all of us. Right now we are all really enjoying sleeping together."

My favorite comments (not) are in the "I just wouldn't let that happen" genre. Um, excuse me, but how exactly would you avoid it? Let's not mince words here - tell me exactly how many minutes you would let your child cry to avoid 'letting it happen'?

Patooey. Let's both be duckies and let it roll off our slippery backs...


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by tara_
*My favorite comments (not) are in the "I just wouldn't let that happen" genre. Um, excuse me, but how exactly would you avoid it? Let's not mince words here - tell me exactly how many minutes you would let your child cry to avoid 'letting it happen'?*
YES! that happened to me. DD went through a phase where she would not go down for the night until 2 or 3 am. Someone said that to me "I would never let that happen", and I wondered what that meant.

There is only one answer I can come up with (because I tried everything else): put them in their bed and leave them there regardless of how much they cry. DD was napping alot, she was just waking up again and she was happy and wanting to play. If I just left her lying there she'd start crying. Who wants that? It may be tiring to be up at 2 am playing with your smiling baby, but if the alternative is to sit and listen to them crying...god, why would anybody choose that stress?? THAT is supposed to make my life easier? I don't think so!

And you know, the whole phase lasted about 3 weeks. 3 weeks in the life of a child is less than a blink of an eye. I know many of you have struggled with poor sleepers for a very long time, but even then it's such a small time in the life of a child. Momtwice is soooo right: you guys ROCK!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

The hard part for me is figuring out that I just have to be quiet and stoic about it. I can't let on that I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, without getting eye rolling, etc. So I have to learn to just keep it to myself. I would absolutely lend support to an exhausted friend, whatever the reason. It is sooo hurtful to get the "well, your doing it to yourself" kind of responses.


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## AutumnMoonfire (Dec 29, 2001)

Of course if these folks never visit your home you could weave a yarn about how you bought kidlet the bed and he loves it and you just cannot sleep from your insomnia even though you are exausted...

If you have the luxury of choice never let on where your kids sleep! even ferberized kids keep parents up at times, My mother never came in to me when I cried but you can bet your bottom dollar she was awake until I fell asleep again!!


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## charmarty (Jan 27, 2002)

I hear ya!I have come to the sad point where I just dont talk about it to anyone except dh.Its not worth the heartache for me.It really hurts when someone you love rejects your parenting.
On new years eve dh and I had planned a totally adult evening after the girls went to bed.Lots of junk food,dry ribs hot wings pop ect....a movie and some much needed cuddle time.Well jordy had a different plan.She stayed awake till midnight.They are usually in bed by 9:30.Then dh and I decided to still give our time a go and no kidding we watched the movie and stuff and went to bed at 2:00 and at 3:00 Taylor was awake,and nothing I could do could get her to sleep.She had an hour long temper tantrum bc she was still tired and working out all the company and holiday things(they are highneeds/spirited)So she was awake until 8:00 am.Then Jordy woke up for the day at 9:00.







Holy man was I tired!!!!!!!But the sad thing was that I got mad at them bc I was so looking forward to some dh time.Selfish I know and I quickly got over it bc I knew something was causing them to be awake.But the night was long!We go through this about once a month,not to mention just the normal night wakings to nurse and stuff.
I hope it helps you to come here with all of us and talk about it,bc I know you are a terrible mother for not letting your baby CIO!


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## spirited mama (Jan 2, 2003)

Personality seems to have a lot to do with kids behaviour. My two month old sleeps six or seven hours at night. My three year old wakes every three hours. My seven year old can live on 5 or 6 hours of sleep and manage to go to school and do all the normal seven year old things. My dh and I have heard it all. But all these methods are about meeting the expectations of society or meeting the needs of the adults. We want our needs met, but not at the expense of our children.









Its okay to set limits with your kids. As in, yes stay in our room, but no jumping on the mama. Here are some quiet games, or puzzles to do. Have some water or snacks handy for older kids, and breastmilk for toddlers. Mama and dada can spell each other off as well.

Having observed kids who were ferberized we decided two things: it didn't work (these kids were not sleeping well), and the kids were crankier during the day as well as at night. I have three superhealthy kids (not so much as a sniffle), thriving, creative and happy. Our marriage is good. We're tired: sometimes exhausted, sometimes cranky, and sometimes lonely, but we have each other. And I wouldn't trade my 3 dss for anything! Good Luck and consider the source of any advice: what is this persons philosophy or what do they gain by trashing your methods? You'd think some of the naysayers were actually getting paid to trash you sometimes they do it with such relish!


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## spirited mama (Jan 2, 2003)

Personality seems to have a lot to do with kids behaviour. My two month old sleeps six or seven hours at night. My three year old wakes every three hours. My seven year old can live on 5 or 6 hours of sleep and manage to go to school and do all the normal seven year old things. My dh and I have heard it all. But all these methods are about meeting the expectations of society or meeting the needs of the adults. We want our needs met, but not at the expense of our children.









Its okay to set limits with your kids. As in, yes stay in our room, but no jumping on the mama. Here are some quiet games, or puzzles to do. Have some water or snacks handy for older kids, and breastmilk for toddlers. Mama and dada can spell each other off as well.

Having observed kids who were ferberized we decided two things: it didn't work (these kids were not sleeping well), and the kids were crankier during the day as well as at night. I have three superhealthy kids (not so much as a sniffle), thriving, creative and happy. Our marriage is good. We're tired: sometimes exhausted, sometimes cranky, and sometimes lonely, but we have each other. And I wouldn't trade my 3 dss for anything! Good Luck and consider the source of any advice: what is this persons philosophy or what do they gain by trashing your methods? You'd think some of the naysayers were actually getting paid to trash you sometimes they do it with such relish!


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## LailaCA (Jan 4, 2003)

Yeah I get the same thing with my family. My dh is always telling me that I am spoiling our son due to co-sleeping and attachment parenting. I try to explain the benefits and my deep belief in both, however, I am just told that I am emotional. This upsets me as I do have a MA in Special Education and have read research regarding both as well. My dh is a computer person. Anyway, I get no help at night or during the day as I am told that any distress I am feeling is my fault for not going with the "cry it out routine".


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

LailaCA - that sucks!!! How do you live like that?


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## LailaCA (Jan 4, 2003)

Thanks...I do not know. My dh and I were so insync before the baby. OUr styles and thoughts for childrearing are much different. He is so skeptical of the experts...like...Dr. Sears. I have several books, and of course Mothering...however he just states that one can skew research or obtain results to back ones theories and philosophies.

He is a good man and does love our son...although he is a traditionalist...and I can not stand that. I am hoping...that a few years down the road when our child is a well adjusted happy boy he will see the benefits and then acknowledge that AP and co-sleeping were indeed beneficial.


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