# How can I help SIL on anniversary??



## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

It will be a year ago in March that our neice passed away....

I was thinking of sending our SIL (dh's brother's wife)some flowers but does anyone have any other suggestions???

We were just starting to get to know each other during our pregnancies and my dd was born a month before....

dh and IL's are discouraging me from doing anything and say they might not want a reminder.....but I mean really...how is anyone going to forget???

any suggestions????

they are currently TTC


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Don't listen to them! DON'T FORGET!!! What do they think? The baby never existed?

Sorry, I get so upset when people want to pretend a child never existed. It still hurts me when Amanda is not acknowledged within our family.

Your right, they're VERY aware of the anniversary. Some of the things that help me were; phone calls the week before and on the day, 'thinking of you' cards, little reminders of her (I collect fairies to remember her, I don't like angles, just me), send a candle to light that day.

I also got a 'Happy Birtday Card' to my baby from a friend who also had a stillbirth. I don't know how she would feel about that, but it touched me deeply.

The thing is, they did have a baby, and nobody can take that away from them.

_The childless mother wakes slowly
savoring the numbness of mourning

she pretends not to remember
that today is Mothers Day_


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

yeah I know..just the emotionally stunted types (dh and parents not SIL or BIL) I guess...


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

abimommy,

She remembers, believe me. And sending her flowers will only let her know that she is not alone in her remembering. What a wonderful gift.

randee


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

Like MsMom, I get upset when people pretend like nothing happened. We all remember.

Sending her flowers would be nice. Or maybe something more lasting like a rose bush for her garden. Tho' it's winter where you are so I don't know if that would work. A candle is a beautiful idea. You could give her something for herself such as a voucher for a massage or a facial if you didn't want to emphasise the grieving bit. A happy birthday card is a pretty brave idea. I would have really appreciated & treasured one, but I know dh would have been horrified so I think that really is down to the person.

I, for sure, would appreciate a phone call on the day. She can always tell you she doesn't want visitors, want to talk about it etc. but if she's upset, she may not be brave enuf call you.


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## kykarraliv (Jan 26, 2002)

What a lovely idea I just went through the 1st anniversary of my baby's death. The greatest gifts for me are when people actually acknowledge that Hannah existed and is really part of our family. I would send her flowers and maybe something she could keep as a keepsake with her baby's name on it. I got a pewter music box in the shape of 2 heart intertwined nestled in tulips(my favorite flower) On one heart is Annika- Mommy's little sweatheart, on the other is engraved Hannah -Mommy's little angel. A keepsake like that would likely be very treasured and touch an aching mom's heart. Some people just don't understand that ignoring the day makes it hurt worse and when someone acknowledges that the anniversary is here and the baby did exist it makes the pain a little easier to bear.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I was thinking maybe a keepsake...they live in an apt so while a plant would havent been lovely it would be very easy for a little while....

we really haven't been there for them like we shold have as our dd is almost the exact age as their own little angel...we have always been afraid of bringing them more pain....

I don't plan on forgetting....but ILs seem to want to...


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## kykarraliv (Jan 26, 2002)

Good for you for not forgetting the ILs are so wrong in this case.


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