# Any therapists in the house? 9yo says "I want to kill myself!"



## willibug (Jan 4, 2002)

So, my 9yo DS has a very intense personality. He is very similar to his father in this respect. He is a delightful child, is academically gifted, expresses himself verbally beyond his years, and is generally(I feel) well adjusted. Whenever he is with another family they always comment on how well behaved and mature he is; what a joy he is to have around. He does have Tourrette Syndrome, but it is relatively mild, and manifests itself mostly in the form of minor vocal and simple motor tics. He does, however, have occasional "out of range" reactions to situations, and, though very rarely, has "tantrums" like a toddler. Sometimes, when he is being reprimanded, he will react by slapping himslef(not *too*hard on the head and saying things like "I HATE myself!" or "I just want to kill myself!" To me, these things seem like attention getters, and I believe he is trying to express his anger and frustration. I just don't get the idea that he really wants to die; he seems generally happy with his life. Also, he is a perfectionist, and I feel this might be a way for him to express his dissatisfaction with his own behavior. I haven't worried about this, but not too long ago, our family spent time with one of my friends who is studying to become a therapist. She also has a son who has been in thereapy due to some behavior issues. Well, she told my DS off about something he was doing to her DD at the swimming pool, and he said the "I want to kill myself" thing. She later told me that she was extremely worried about this, and that her ds had said the same thing occasionally, and his therapist had said that she should have brought him in the very first time this was said. She also said that kids who say these things in childhood become the teens who injure themselves! So, should I seek thereapy for my DS? Is this kind of talk REALLY a red flag to be taken seriously--or not?

Thanks in advance.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I don't know but am interested to see the replies - as my almost 9 y.o. dd can be very emotional and over the top when she gets upset. Some similar stuff to what you describe with your ds. Sorry you are having to worry about this - parenting is a lot harder than they told us it would be, huh?


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I would bring it up with a therapist. However, it may be a verbal tic that he says when he's upset - it may not mean that he actually feels that way but that it's an expression of anger. Esp. if it goes hand in hand with a physical tic.

But still best to check it out just in case.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

My intense child said things like that as a child. The real winner was, "I'd rather be dead than have you as a mother!", but she also sometimes said she wanted to kill herself. She said the same things at 5 and 6, too.

I also have worked with kids who have emotional/behavioral disabilities, and many of them say things like this.

If he seems generally happy with his life, I wouldn't rush off to a therapist. I would keep an eye on him, and watch for signs that he's becoming more unhappy, but I wouldn't consider therapy necessary at this point.

FWIW, my daughter at 12 is much calmer and more centered, and doesn't injure herself. I'm sure some children who say things like this do have serious emotional issues, and end up self-injuring, or acting out in other ways (like the kids I work with), but I don't believe all of them do. Some, as you say, have just figured out that these are strong words that get attention, so when they're overwhelmed by their feelings, they use these words.

I worked to give my daughter other words to use, like, "You're really frustrated with this knitting project right now," and suggesting taking a break, and talking about other coping skills like taking deep breaths or doing something else to calm down, like a walk or playing a video game or whatever works for your son.

Dar


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

Yea, my now-10 yo said all those kinds of things at 5-8yo, off and on.
He did have a severe dairy sensitivity we didn't realize until he was around 6, and cutting out milk made his mood swings a bit better. Still, he's intense.

Now, like Rain, he's a lot more centered, definitely isn't hurting himself and doesn't say he wants to kill himself or anything like that.

I don't think it is a bad idea to see a therapist if that will make you feel better, but I do think some kids say these things without having any kind of plan or long-term result.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

my advice is that if a child is saying he wants to kill himself, immediate professional advice is needed. even if nothing comes of it, you will feel better for getting medical attention rather than not doing so and having somethign happen. most of the time, comments like that are probably for attention but we as (simple) parents, IMHO, cant determine that in the beginning. i know therapy has a negative connotation for many people (not sure anyone's view here) but why risk it? of course, i would be very careful w/ medication etc. but at least you should get a dx of whether he is likely to harm himself or just lashing out at you. MY 14 year old always tells me how horrible his life is (of course, that is always when i am asking him to do his chores and it interrupts his AIM'ing of friends, gaming or hanging out with his friends).
good luck and i hope everythign turns out well for you and your family,
rach


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Been There!~


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

I hope I can say this in the right tone of warning:

Yes, you have to take threats seriously, but please don't let that fear cloud your judgement or go against your instincts.

Here's my story - ElderSon, at 10 or so, was making similar comments, and becoming physically violent at times. I searched for a therapist, and found a private psychiatric hospital with a pediatric unit that offered "free assessment". I was especially vulnerable at the time, and had good medical coverage. I wanted help and advice, what I got was a huge and damaging scam. They admitted him "to keep him safe" with thinly veiled threats to me that I would be responsible if he hurt himself or anyone, that they would call CPS if I didn't agree to admitting him. My insurance covered 10 days, then they milked $10,000 out of me for 10 more days. Suddenly, when my money ran out, he was "cured". In my heart, I knew all along that taking a child from his mother could not be the right thing to do. But I was quite desparate, and listened to the authorities.

The hospital was later the focus of a scandal, when it was made public their practices such as this. I feel like a fool for getting caught up in such a scam.

Not all hospitals are dishonest of course, but I know how scary it can be to have professionals tell you what to do, and how hard it would have been for me then to resist.


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

I think I would take him to talk to someone......It will not hurt..There are wonderful play therapist, art therapist and the like.....

Blessings to you


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

i agree with looking for a therapist, and also look at what is going on in his life, i was abused as a child and i said these sorts of things, and i managed to hide very well that iw as being abused, the abuse was from my older brother, and i think my mom and step dad (he abused me to) probably knew about the abuse but they both deny it, but i did a great job hiding the abuse from my actual father, he never had a clue what was going on
and i'm not saying he is being abused but i am saying that more might be happening than you realize because kids are really good at hiding stuff and covering stuff up
and it hink a good therapist can make a world of difference, and it can be really hard to find a good one so it is best to do a lot of searching and interviewing befor deciding on one


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax*
in the beginning. i know therapy has a negative connotation for many people (not sure anyone's view here) but why risk it? rach

I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist. I love my therapist and credit her for helping us to save our relationship. I also love my daughter's therapist and she (my 15 year-old daughter) enjoys having her as a resource.


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## Miss Kitty (Jan 30, 2003)

As a former counselor of families and teens I can say it NEVER HURTS to find a good therapist.
That being said you mentioned 2 or 3 characteristics of your son that caught my attention. Gifted, perfectionistic, and Tourettes.
All three of these lend themselves to being easily frustrated and at 9, most children especially boys who tend to be socially immature anyway, have a great deal of difficulty putting frustration into words.
I would perhaps ask your counselor to help him find a less alarming way to express frustration.
Good luck with whatever you decide.


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