# Most helpful comment(s) after a loss?



## mirandahope (Nov 10, 2005)

So we have a thread about the stupidest comments people have made about our losses. I wonder what has been the most helpful? This can be like the other thread: name them, talk about them all you want. They can be small things, huge things, in between, as long as it meant something to you.


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## mirandahope (Nov 10, 2005)

for me there were a couple top things:

one was a card the came about a year after our loss, with wishes that people around me were talking about my baby with me and helping me heal (they weren't so it made me cry, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear)

another was a nurse at the hospital where we did tests for 1.5 years after Heather died. Last July, she said that she really hoped the best for me. Turned out I was 3 days pregnant when she said that. I saw her today and told her how much it meant to me


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

ANYTHING that acknowledged that my baby was MY CHILD and not a "fetus" or whatever God-awful medical term they like to slap on these cases to dehumanize them. Anything...mentioning his name, asking about how we're doing, asking to see his pictures, letting us know he was being thought of...*anything* that acknowledged that he was real....


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## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

I agree. Anything to acknowledge the loss. My aunt gave me a card and and a candle so "Gavin's (the boy name we had picked and we felt it was a boy, even though we had no way of knowing) light could live on". I must say, I got far more stupid comments then helpful ones, and that is (sadly) probably the case for most of us.


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

*


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

I think it feels good when anyone recognizes how painful loosing a baby is. My friend finally developed some pics on her camera, and there was one of me with a decent size pg belly showing. She let me know that she wasn't sure if I wanted it because she thought it might upset me. She was being SO thoughtful, and I haven't gotten that from many people at all! It's so nice that she still remembers, and cares about how I am doing. I received MANY beautiful gifts and cards after Ben had died, but then people forget. They have shown their condolences and then their duty is done.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

the best thing for me is when i am acknowledged as a mother. (i think this is one reason why i spend so much time here!) i don't have any living children. when people see me, they don't see me as a mother. but i feel like a mother, i am a mother, but i have no children tagging along behind me or in my arms. any person who ever mentions me being a mother knows about coral, and how important she is in my life. the same thing goes for my partner. his family didn't call him on father's day. that really hurt him, and it hurt me. he hears it even less than me. yesterday, i was caught off gaurd at work when a girl asked me if i had any children. i told her i had a daughter but that she died last year. she said 'oh', and left the room! i don't judge her for her reaction. but it is so hard that everytime i get to mention my child, which is hardly ever to never, it almost always ends in embarrasment or awkward silence. so when someone actually just validates my being a mother without the red faces or stuttering, it means more than the world to me. my family is good with this, and so is my partner.

my mom told me that coral was beautiful, when she saw her photograph. that meant everything to me. that was the best one.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Coral's mom - I could have written your post. I have only gotten to use the phrase "I am Ben's mother" once at the funeral home. As I uttered those words - I don't know - it felt so good to say (tell someone) that I am his mother - but it about made me burst into tears that I had to say this to the funeral director. I too love it here at MDC because I AM Ben's Mommy.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Actually the best comment I received came from many, many people (with different variations) - "I am so sorry. I miscarried before X was born. Then a hug." That's it. No, I know how you feel. No awkward searching for something to say. Just a genuine I'm sorry and then a hug of solidarity. It made me feel comforted and also sad that so many women have lost babies. I guess it was bittersweet, but it made me feel really cared about.


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## jukebox (Nov 26, 2005)

"You're still a mommy." My partner. I have no living children and I was only three months pregnant, so I get no recognition at all there.

Anyone referring to them by name... which is very rare.

And when my partner, who's an artist, designed a tattoo with their names for HER arm, which told me that I wasn't the only one dealing with this. She's not the talk-about-her-feelings type, so I felt weak letting it all hang out around her, until that, and I realized, she lost her sons too.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

For me is when they tell me they miss Grant or they speak referring to me as Jack AND Grant's mommy... or they simply tell me... gosh I am so sorry I dont even know what to say.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

I am SO BLESSED.

I had one woman ASK me to bring pictures of Liam over to her house when we came over for a "play date" with her kids. She said how absolutely beautiful he was. She also told me the first time I saw her after she had her youngest baby (about 3-4 months after Liam died) that she had been thinking about me all week.

I had one friend tell me anytime I wanted to cry, just call her and she'd cry with me.

I had one friend who hugged me on a particularly hellish day (wedding of a family member, that I had been Over the moon excited about bringing my baby to during my pregnancy) that I didn't have to have "the mask" on with her. It was such a relief to just cry and cry and not have to wear the smiley face I'd been putting on for pictures all day long.

I didn't really have anything to add to the "Stupid comments" thread, and i am so grateful. It seems like either the people with stupid ideas have kept their mouths shut around me, or it hasn't registered enough to cause pain. I also have really amazing friends, so that helps.

Kathryn


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## mirandahope (Nov 10, 2005)

Thanks, Mamas for sharing these great stories!! It is inspiring and helps me and hopefully others know more what to do/say for others in our 'real' lives!! Keep 'em coming!!


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

The best thing that people said to me after my m/c was I am so sorry what can I do to help? THat was the best thing because they were recognizing that this sucks and that I needed help.

My dad told me that he understood how sad I was (My mom had 2 m/c) and that he had never imagined he would be just as sad when he lost a grandchild. It made me feel good because he was recognizing sam as a person.


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

This might be silly, but I've really appreciated those people who acknowledged that they don't know what to say. Because, honestly, there isn't a single thing you can say that would change things and most importantly- i have no idea what i would want to hear.

Just saying you're sorry is enough... giving me a hug is better... not being uncomfortable when I cry is wonderful.

I mean, I know that people aren't comfortable with grief... especially when it's a baby.

"There are no words."

I have a friend at work that just comes in periodically to see how I'm doing and all she says is "I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you." For some reason, that comforts me.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

My best was from my best friend...

She called me about a month afterwards hysterically crying. She was sobbing because she wasn't going to see Connor turn one. She had been a rock for me up until this point and during planning for her daughter's first birthday, it dawned on her that Connor wouldn't have one. I didn't understand why her call had been so helpful to me and then I realized...she was grieving my son. She wasn't pitying me. She wasn't feeling sorry for me, she was feeling sorry for herself. To know other's really truely felt a loss in the death of my child, was the best gift I got.


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

bump


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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColoradoMama*
Actually the best comment I received came from many, many people (with different variations) - "I am so sorry. I miscarried before X was born. Then a hug." That's it. No, I know how you feel. No awkward searching for something to say. Just a genuine I'm sorry and then a hug of solidarity. It made me feel comforted and also sad that so many women have lost babies. I guess it was bittersweet, but it made me feel really cared about.

Amen. Just knowing that other people that you know have walked that road too.


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## mom2angelbabies (Jan 17, 2006)

For me it wasn't a specific comment that was helpful (as I don't think I really got any), but rather, just people who simply said "I'm sorry," paused for a minute, and then gently started to tell me how similar their feelings were with their losses. Granted, there were only about 2 people who did this, but it was very comforting, as I'd have never guessed these people had lost babies, too, and here they were opening up to me sharing my pain.


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## jukebox (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
and then I realized...she was grieving my son. She wasn't pitying me. She wasn't feeling sorry for me, she was feeling sorry for herself. To know other's really truely felt a loss in the death of my child, was the best gift I got.

Exactly! That made me remember another, from my best friend. It was actually in a survey thing on her blog, a summary of 2005, and when asked what the worst moments were, she said: "It's a tie; breaking up with J. [her fiance], and losing my godbabies," and when asked what she'd change about '05 if she could change anything, she said, "Lyn wouldn't have lost her babies."

Other than my partner, she was the ONLY one who ever personally expressed any sadness about it.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I had a hard time physically with my miscarriage in September. I was really sad about losing the baby AND having a hard time physically. DH came home with a dozen roses. He said, "I just wanted to get you something that you would enjoy because you're having such a hard time. It's like your body's kicking you when you're down." It felt really good to have him acknowledge that. He has always felt disconnected from my pregnancies - it's never been really real to him until the babies are here. That was hard with my first miscarriage. This time, even though he still felt kind of disconnected, at least he recognized my pain.


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## KnitterMama (Mar 31, 2005)

What a great thread idea. I came in to read these responses because I am in nursing school right now and hope to be a midwife someday. This thread has really helped me to understand what is important to a Mama who has experienced the loss of her child. Thanks for sharing Mamas.


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## mirandahope (Nov 10, 2005)

Knittermama--Thank you for taking the time to learn what mamas who have lost a child have benefited from hearing. I love that one more health professional is taking the time to be sensitive about this.


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## Gracefulmom (Apr 25, 2002)

My dad sent me a letter after my third miscarriage. He wrote about how he hurt for us and wished he could just fix everything like he was able to do when I was little. Also included some bible verses...

He _said_ he didn't know what to say to help, but it was perfect. I still have the letter six years later.


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## the_queen (Nov 3, 2005)

I just wanted to say the same kind of thing as KnitterMama... I haven't experienced the loss of a child. I never seem to know what to say to people who have. And I often feel awkward and uncomfortable, because I feel like if I open my mouth, I'm going to say "the wrong thing".

Thank you for educating me









And I just want to say (I hope this isn't a "wrong thing to say") that it just isn't fair, you mama's should have your babies with you here right now, it's just not fair at all.


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)




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## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

After my second D & C my friend Paula came over and had a load of food that I could just munch on all weekend without having to cook - that was very helpful. She also brought over all these flowers and made sure there were flowers in all the rooms of our home.

There were people who helped me who don't even realized they helped me. I was in the process of slowly miscarrying the second time when I got into a random conversation with someone who didn't even know what was going on with me. He took out pictures of his children and he mentioned that after their first child they had two miscarriages and then went on to have two more children. I really thought it was a divine intervention.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I usually just say "I'm sorry" so I'm not standing there in an awkward silence and I don't say something that might come out wrong.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

"I'm sorry."

"This is sooooo not fair."

"This really sucks."

Just simple, straightforward comments that don't try to come up with a reason for this happening.

And I've really appreciated the people who can just BE with me. Just to hug, or listen, or sit quietly, or wait while I cry. People who are comfortable doing that are surprisingly rare. So many people want to try and "fix" things when someone is crying, but it's meant so much to just have someone be patient with me.


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## mom2mimi (May 26, 2004)

Just a simple "I'm so sorry" has meant a lot to me. It's so much better than ignoring my loss, which so many have done. One of the best comments came from a friend of mine who had just had a baby about a month before my mc and she told me she wished she could be there to give me a big hug right then. It was sweet.


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## ElenTikvah (Apr 30, 2006)

I popped in here to just see what common themes mamas want/need to hear that a time of loss; and I am amazed.

Tho I have never personally been pregnant, I have worked with birthing women for several years as a midwife, and now I'm finishing my residency as a family medicine doctor. It has been truly insightful to read about the statements and actions that meant the most. What has struck me the most is the simplicity of "I'm sorry" and a quiet moment, and a hug (if appropriate). Thanks again for sharing.

~Tik


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## BCmamaof6 (Sep 7, 2004)

The most helpful comment I received was:
"I am _so_ sorry" (sincerely said & with tears in her eyes) and a warm, genuine hug.

So simple really...but it was just exactly what I needed at the time.


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## makawee (Jan 23, 2005)

i'm sorry.

- and -

i will pray for you / keep you in my thoughts - and this has helped no matter my spirituality or theirs!

i really appreciate when my friends tell me to call them. they listened. made no judgments. and told me what i wanted was only natural.


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## isaiahsmommy05 (Jul 1, 2005)

A lot of your posts, I could have written also. The ones about being acknowledged as a mother.
I love it when people see his picture and tell me how beautiful he is. Now that Elliana is here, I love it when people tell me how much she looks like her big brother. (Goes along with acknowledging his life I guess).

My mom recently wrote a paper about me to the local newspaper for Mother's Day and included Isaiah in it. That really made me happy.


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## Plady (Nov 20, 2001)

Two of my favorites were one friend who said "Damn it! That f*%$ing sucks!" and my uncle who wrote, "I look forward to meeting her one day." That made me cry because it is what I believe too and nobody had yet said anything like that to me and it made me feel so much better.
However, just hearing the simple, "I'm so sorry" or "There are no words" really helped too.
Isaiahsmommy, what a beautiful site you have made. Thank you for sharing pictures of your sweet little boy.


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## valmc (Apr 30, 2006)

I think keeping it simple is the best. Just I am sorry for your loss. That's it plain and simple. If you say oh what can I do, there is nothing no one can do time is the only thing that can help and that still will never take the memories away. So I say sweet and simple!


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## Nathalie (Sep 6, 2003)

I've just experienced a second pregnancy loss at age 39. My mother told me "I don't understand, there are plenty of women your age who can have healthy babies!"... and then a friend told me "I have this friend who had 4 miscarriages and then a live baby... well, that baby is not right, and you know what, she was never supposed to have a child"... now, wasn't all this very sensitive and helpful??
On the other hand, many friends have come over with bags of food, plants, kind words. The most helpful is to have someone just be there and say I'm so sorry and mean it.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

One of the most helpful comments was "we lost our second child, too" said with tears in her eyes as she hugged me, and she was 84+ years old at the time. The idea that she would still miss her daughter so much after so long and that she was willing to include my pain in her own touched me deeply. A simple "I'm so sorry, I love you" and a hug were the best things to say.

Another memory that stands out was that when we returned from our out of state funeral, there was dinner waiting in our refrigerator for us to reheat. She had asked us what we would like her to bring. Since I was still not remembering to eat unless specifically told to do so, I really had no answer. So she asked me, what are your favorite foods, which I could recite from memory. Oh, and for dessert, she had Blue Bell double fudge chocolate ice cream, because "chocolate won't make you forget, but maybe it will give you something else to think about, even for just a moment."


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## Nkenga (Dec 11, 2005)

One of my aunts said to me, one of the many times I was sobbing, that it was going to hit me sometimes, out of the blue, and let it hit me, and take the time to cry.


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