# New here ~ stillbirth



## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Hi ladies. I joined MDC months and months ago, when I was pregnant. I wasn't very active, but I always enjoyed the community here (natural childbirth, cloth diapers, etc etc). My baby boy was stillborn at 36 weeks.

I'll repost what I wrote in my DDC, Devin's story...

I lost my baby boy on March 6. I felt something was wrong, something was off, and I went into my 36 week appointment feeling a little nervous that I was in premature labor. Nothing prepared me for what happened next... they said there was no heartbeat. My little boy was gone.

I got my natural labor... well, almost. I decided to be induced that day rather than wait. They used cytotec, which I didn't realize at the time - I really didn't care at that point about anything. Apparently my body knew it was time, as it went into full labor right away. It wasn't that bad at all. I kept waiting for real labor to start (I had intended to get an epidural due to the circumstances, but I wanted to just wait until things got really painful before getting it). By the time I realized I really WAS in full labor I was hitting transition and the next contraction I was pushing.

Devin Alin was born still on March 6 at 6:58pm. He weighed 4lbs 10oz and was 17" long. He was perfect, precious.

My husband and I have been coping. I write a lot. We miss him so, so much. I have never felt as lost as I did those first weeks without my baby.

Devin was an IVF-conceived baby... and we really don't know what we're going to do now. We're "trying" again, but that didn't work too well last time. I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

::

That ultrasound was the worst day of my life, bar none. My husband wasn't with me - it was supposed to be a normal appointment - and while I thought something was a little wrong who thinks your baby is just... dead? I have flashbacks frequently. It's the vision that keeps me up at night, seeing his still body on the ultrasound screen, the heartrate line flat with no beats.

We planted a tree on his due date. A cherry tree. We still haven't purchased the marker to go in front of it. We wanted something that will grow over time, something tangible and close so we could see it from our window, visit it any time of day or night. Watching it bloom brought me as much joy as I could feel this spring.

To be honest, most days I just don't feel like getting out of bed. It's been 4 and a half months now. I've moved back into "normal" life... back to my part-time job, back to being social with the people in our life who care about us, back to chores and eating out and living. But I feel so LOST. I spent nearly 2 years trying to get pregnant, 8 months being pregnant, and my entire life was planned around the baby. Our entire future had Devin in it. And now he's not here, now I'm just me again, and I have NO idea what to do with my life. I'm getting a second job, I'm going to be taking a class at college. Just to do something.

I had thoughts of becoming a doula. I still want to do that someday, but how can I do that right now? I feel such anger and helplessness inside. I am not able to help others yet... I need to heal. It's another thing that I now have to wait for.

All I wanted was a baby, I had finally been given that chance... only to have it taken away from us at the very end. I can't even describe how unfair that feels.


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow, (((Natalie))). Couldn't read without posting some














your way at this late hour. I'm so sorry.


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## Yuba_River (Sep 4, 2006)

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart aches for you.


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## boatswainwife (Mar 26, 2008)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## boadhagh (Sep 19, 2007)




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## FiddleMama (Feb 27, 2007)

I'm so sorry Natalie.


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## doula jbw (Aug 12, 2004)

Sending love


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## tree-hugger (Jul 18, 2007)




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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)




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## ~girlsmum~ (May 10, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Hi Natalie--I'm glad you were able to find this support board.







: (And it's good to see you here on MDC as well!







)


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## MommyinMN (Oct 18, 2007)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Hugs, Natalie.







I'm so sorry of the loss of your Devin. He was born on my birthday, so I feel a little connection. My daughter Audrey was stillborn at 34 weeks on April 21. I know the feeling of being lost. I was a week away from quitting my job when she was born to be a stay at home mom. Now here I am at home with no baby to care for. I am going to start volunteering soon, so I can feel more purposeful and also get out of the house. But even then, I know it won't feel right because I should have my baby, and so should you.

I wish you didn't have a reason to be here in this corner of MDC, but I'm glad you found us. Please continue to read and post if it helps you, and PM me anytime. I will pray for more peaceful and easier days ahead for you.

Kathleen


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)




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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

My heart is breaking for you mama, I am so deeply sorry for your loss


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry Natalie.







Were you able to take any pictures of Devin? If you'd like to share, we would love to see him. I know after my dd was born I still wanted to share her with everyone even though she was stillborn. But there was always that feeling that I shouldn't. I even carry a small wallet photo of her hoping someday I will be asked for it.

What you are experiencing is such a horrible thing to go through. It makes me so sad to see it happen to anyone. I'm so, so sorry.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry for the loss of Devin. My baby boy died in labor on April 3. You and I probably had similar due dates. My EDD was March 28. I, too, have flashbacks of that first moment when I found out. I woke up from an emergency C/S to DH holding our dead baby. I remember everything about that moment and about the room and the expressions on everyone's faces.

I will be thinking of you. Did you find out anything about why he died?


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## Sk8ermaiden (Feb 13, 2008)




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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Thank you all for your kind words.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
Hugs, Natalie.







I'm so sorry of the loss of your Devin. He was born on my birthday, so I feel a little connection. My daughter Audrey was stillborn at 34 weeks on April 21. I know the feeling of being lost. I was a week away from quitting my job when she was born to be a stay at home mom. Now here I am at home with no baby to care for. I am going to start volunteering soon, so I can feel more purposeful and also get out of the house. But even then, I know it won't feel right because I should have my baby, and so should you.

I wish you didn't have a reason to be here in this corner of MDC, but I'm glad you found us. Please continue to read and post if it helps you, and PM me anytime. I will pray for more peaceful and easier days ahead for you.

Kathleen

So sorry for your loss.







I volunteer too... I work for a non-profit and volunteer time there. It helps me feel useful.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry Natalie.







Were you able to take any pictures of Devin? If you'd like to share, we would love to see him. I know after my dd was born I still wanted to share her with everyone even though she was stillborn. But there was always that feeling that I shouldn't. I even carry a small wallet photo of her hoping someday I will be asked for it.

What you are experiencing is such a horrible thing to go through. It makes me so sad to see it happen to anyone. I'm so, so sorry.









Yes... we got very few pictures of Devin, but I had one touched up and I absolutely love it. I love to share, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...nouncement.gif
And here is the tree in bloom: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...08-May1-us.jpg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
I'm so sorry for the loss of Devin. My baby boy died in labor on April 3. You and I probably had similar due dates. My EDD was March 28. I, too, have flashbacks of that first moment when I found out. I woke up from an emergency C/S to DH holding our dead baby. I remember everything about that moment and about the room and the expressions on everyone's faces.

I will be thinking of you. Did you find out anything about why he died?

Yes indeed... I was due April 5. I am so so sorry for your loss... what a horrible thing to wake up to.









We did find out why he died.... it was a rare case of Amniotic Band Syndrome. The amnion ruptured at some point during pregnancy and a band of tissue wrapped around his umbilical cord, which cinched tight at the end.







My little boy suffocated.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Natalie, your memorial web site is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## dentmom (May 26, 2007)

I have tears in my eyes, so, sorry.


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## Sophiasmomma (Jun 16, 2004)

IM so sorry for your loss.. Your little one is in my thoughts and prayers


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know your pain must be so intense... your little Devin is beautiful and I am just so sad for you.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Devin is GORGEOUS!! what a great pic! I'm so happy you shared it! you and hubby are gorgeous too. great tree.

I am SO sorry for your loss. I SO wish it was a different result for you and for all of us. stay here. we need you
















much love,
Rebecca


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunarmagic* 
Yes... we got very few pictures of Devin, but I had one touched up and I absolutely love it. I love to share, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...nouncement.gif
And here is the tree in bloom: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...08-May1-us.jpg

He's a beautiful little guy.







Devin is such a nice name too. You aren't going to make any of us uncomfortable by sharing photos. You have a lovely son that you just want to share.









I like your tree idea too. What a nice memorial. Is it in your own yard? I would have liked to do something like that too but I knew at the time that we weren't staying in our current home for much longer. I think when we finish moving I would like to plant something too.


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Thank you all.







I love sharing him.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I like your tree idea too. What a nice memorial. Is it in your own yard? I would have liked to do something like that too but I knew at the time that we weren't staying in our current home for much longer. I think when we finish moving I would like to plant something too.

Yes, it's our yard. We purchased this place years ago knowing we were going to stay here for the long haul... and if we ever do move I'd dig up the tree and bring it with us! I know other friends of mine have planted trees and bushes (roses) for their lost child.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Oh mama







. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I am so sorry mama. I just can't even imagine.


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

I'm sitting her crying. I'm so sorry.







I'm praying for you.


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## LynnE73 (Oct 18, 2002)

When I read of stories like yours it seems so lame to just say "I'm sorry for your loss." But it's true, I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. There is a fantastic blog that I read. The woman is a writer and lost one of her twins at 6 weeks of age... perhaps you could find comfort in some of her words...or at the very least words to describe what you too may be feeling...

http://www.sweetsalty.com/


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## motherofphilosophy (Nov 30, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## halfadozen (Feb 4, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear about your little boy. Thank you for telling about him.


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

Oh, Mama!


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry Mama, I cannot even imagine.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

He's beautiful. It will get easier and you aren't alone


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Natalie, my heart aches for you.







:

Not sure where in MA you are located, but I went to a wonderful support group at Newton-Wellesley hospital. If you are anywhere close to Newton, I highly recommend it.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Katrinka~* 
Natalie, my heart aches for you.







:

Not sure where in MA you are located, but I went to a wonderful support group at Newton-Wellesley hospital. If you are anywhere close to Newton, I highly recommend it.

And I see a therapist in Melrose that has experience counseling parents with late losses. I've found our sessions very helpful.


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Katrinka~* 
Not sure where in MA you are located, but I went to a wonderful support group at Newton-Wellesley hospital. If you are anywhere close to Newton, I highly recommend it.

Sadly I am at the other end of MA.







I know there is a support group at the hospital I gave birth at... I don't know why, I've just been nervous about going. I should pencil it in my calendar for next month.

I'd like to find a counsellor with late-term loss experience, but I don't even know where to start looking for someone like that. I asked my PCP and he was clueless.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Natalie, I'm so heartbroken for you







Especially after going through IVF, it's so unjust







:

I do know what you mean about feeling lost though... your baby was your entire frame of reference ever since you began to dream of him to right now & the way you imagined your future. This is completely unchartered territory... be gentle with yourself as you navigate it


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

wowww! what a beautiful baby! I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found us.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Natalie -

Your son Devin is goregous. I hope that you can find some peace. I will pray for you and your family.

Light and hugs,
Jen


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i just took a look at your memorial website. I love your scrapbook pages! They are amaaaazing














I think it is wonderful that you planted a tree. I can imagine that it made you heal a little more.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you for sharing. His pic is so sweet. I love his website too.

We lost twins 4 years ago. I never made it to a support group. I was too scared to go. I ended up seeing a regular counselor though and it was very helpful!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Devin.
I will hold you in my thoughts and send strength.
I lost my baby Norah at 40 weeks. I know what you are going through.
Please give yourself time to grieve and start the healing process.
D.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunarmagic* 
Sadly I am at the other end of MA.







I know there is a support group at the hospital I gave birth at... I don't know why, I've just been nervous about going. I should pencil it in my calendar for next month.

I'd like to find a counsellor with late-term loss experience, but I don't even know where to start looking for someone like that. I asked my PCP and he was clueless.

The woman who wrote this Mothering article (http://www.mothering.com/articles/bo...tes-grace.html) lives in western Mass. I googled her name at one point and recall that she runs a support group out there. If you're not near her, maybe contact her for a therapist that's closer (I think I found her email address online, too).

I tried my hospital's support group once. Dh and I were the only people there, aside from the facilitators. I may try again later.

BTW, your website for Devin is beautiful. I'd love to do something similar.


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## BeckC (Nov 27, 2006)

Hi Nat. It's nice to see you over here







I hope you find a support group that fits you.

I think about you and Devin a lot.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

((Natalie)) I could not read and not respond.







s to you for such a tremendous loss; it feels so cruel and brutal when we lose a baby we have wanted so much, yearned for, waited for, built our lives around, and then suddenly, we take the next step and it is off a cliff, into empty air, slamming hard into shock, loss and grief.

This road after is hard to walk. Freakin' hard, but you do not travel alone, unless you choose to. I hope you find solace, even if only in small moments at first.

Best of luck for trying again. It must be hard, physically and emotionally. But you don't have to do it alone.








Devin


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

What a handsome little prince he is! I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.


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## moxielou (Jun 15, 2005)

Natalie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. All of our losses are horrible and painful, but it does seem especially cruel to lose an IVF baby.

My loss is recent and I'm new here and to this tribe, as well. the support does help.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Natalie,
Another MA mama here who is thinking of you and your little angel. So unfair. I am so sorry


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Devin. I really can't imagine a greater pain in the whole world. Please know you are in my thoughts.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I"m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts as is Devin.


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## michelle.english19 (Jun 13, 2008)

Natalie--

I am soo soo sorry for your loss. I loved Devin's picture. He is sooo unbelievably beautiful. I'm so glad you shared it. After studying his perfect face, for some reason I was drawn to his sweet, sweet, little hands and fingers. What an angel!

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. No one should....EVER. I know that one of our hospitals here has a support/grief group for parents who have lost a baby. I've never been to a meeting but I wonder if that would be healing(?)

Thinking of you and praying for you.

--Michelle


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## Spirit Dancer (Dec 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyinMN* 
I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## Matilda_z (Dec 9, 2005)

Hi Natalie,

I'm so sorry to read Devin's story. You and your husband are very brave, and I understand you loss. I just wanted to say that when our son, William, died my husband's two brothers and their wives gave us a star named after William. I saw that you received one for Devin on his website. I know that it brings me comfort everytime I look up into the sky and feel his star shining down on me. I hope that you and your family can find some similar comfort.

I know what it feels like to contemplate having another child soon after you've lost your baby. And, I am so sorry that you had to go through such trials to get pregnant with Devin.









In Spirit,


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## beachcomber (May 11, 2005)

Natalie,

My deepest condolences on the loss of Devin. He was a beautiful little baby. The picture on your memorial site is darling. He looks very peaceful.


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## brokenheart (May 14, 2008)

Oh sweetie. The picture of Devin is so sweet. I read your blog and my heart breaks for you and your husband. I'm so sorry.


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

I'm so, so sorry mama.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I'm so sorry Mama, hes so beautiful :x


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## Broken Heart (Aug 10, 2008)

*Hello

I am so sorry you have reason to be here.I was things were so

different for you and your little Devin Alin .

Stillborn means to me your baby was still born but not in the way

it should be. Take care of yourself, Sandra xx*


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## AlwaysAutumn (Jun 28, 2008)

I am so sorry, my heart just breaks for you.


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