# Anyone else with birthday party anxiety?



## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Just looking from BTDT experiences...

For the past years we've been celebrating ds's birthday at home. It's a lot of stress for me, mainly because I fear that the kids won't come... Usually it's just one or two kids who don't show up, but last year ds had only 3 guests.

Every year the birthday parties are a great success; everyone has fun and that's all that matters. But I can't stop worrying for a month before the party.

This year I decided to organize the party at an indoor pool. Ds's two best friends just moved away from our city so they can't come. When I ask ds whom he wants to invite from school, he names four kids that he invited the previous years and who didn't come.

We still have options, like inviting kids from his team, or some other kids from his class, but I'm still stressed they won't come.

I guess I'm not really looking for a solution here, I know we'll be fine, and ds will have a blast, and the party will be great, I'm just looking for people who can commiserate...


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## Skippy918 (Jul 15, 2008)

Yes! We had DS's party at a bounce house last year and I gave out invites like 6 weeks ahead of time and then was worried that I sent them out too soon cause I wasn't getting any RSVPs. Then I had to send reminder notes about the party and still was waiting on RSVPs. Then I was worried no one was going to show. We had a decent turnout but I hate when people say they are coming and then don't show up. That really annoys me.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

I searched for this older thread for you. Hope it helps.

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1355981/none-of-the-other-parents-are-rsvping-for-my-sons-party#post_17027220


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

To be honest, we've only done family parties as of yet, with no plans to change at least for this year.

A friend of mine with 4 children says that she does big kid parties only for certain birthdays, and organized it in a way where she only has one big kid party a year. It keeps costs and expectations down, but also gives kids the opportunity to host their friends.


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Thanks for replying. Neera, thanks for the thread. It helps to know you are not alone.

I also do family parties when the kids are toddlers, but we have no family nearby, so it's usually just me, dh and the kids.

I also keep ds's friend-parties pretty low key, this is the first time we organize it outside the home.

I make the cake myself, I don't organize any games, it's just one big playdate.

But I still stress about it 

Crazy, I know...


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Ur v. welcome.


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## LaughingHyena (May 4, 2004)

We generally do small parties at home, I don't think my kids handle big parties well.

There is always an issue of how many people we should invite, too many and we won't fit everyone in, too few and we don;t have enough to play games and stuff. One things which has worked well for me it to chat with the parents of a couple of DDs best friends before we send out the invites, that way I've been able to pick a date & time that will work for a few of us and at least make sure we have a couple of people coming.

Some years we've had lots of children and have tended more to big games and playing outside, other years we've only had a few and I;ve tended to focus on doing a couple of crafts or cup cakes, something I wouldn't attempt with more children around.

A pool party sounds fun, I'm sure you'll have a blast even if there are only a couple of families.


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## revolting (Sep 10, 2010)

I definitely feel this way. I don't want to host a huge party, but when DD only wants to invite a few kids, I worry no one will show up. We definitely had a party (at home) where only one family showed up due to really horrid weather and my eldest was very disappointed.


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## DelawareMom (May 21, 2008)

Ahhh... We just had our first birthday party for DD. She turned 5 on Saturday and we planned a party for her at our house. I was almost in tears the whole morning, thinking no one would show up. I thought I was being insane. I am sooo relieved to know I'm not alone in my birthday anxiety. (She had 4 little friends come over and it was awesome.)


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't do birthday parties at home because it's more stressful. I'd rather have someone else do all the work.

I find it's worse though when the kids are younger because the parents just show up with extra kids (siblings) sometimes. That hasn't happened since my older one got over about 6. But when they were 5 and 4, there always seemed to be a parent or two who assumed I was planning to have sibilings there, and then would get upset when there wasn't a goodie bag for the siblings. Very frustrating.

Also, older kids tend to tell the birthday kid if they're going to be there. They've talked it over iwth the parents and know what's up. I try to confirm with the parent anyway, but if I don't get any calls back, I've got a reasonably good idea of who will be there.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I hate throwing birthday parties. I now refuse to have them at my house, I'd rather pay the $80.00 to have it at the pool or gym then to clean all day, and then spend all night cleaning again after the party. I hate putting together goodie bags. I stress that no one will show up. We always seem to have very poorly attended parties due to no fault of our's, weather, conflicting parties. etc... One year no one showed up for DD1's 5th birthday party, another time only two families showed up out of 12. Another year there was an epic girl fight during DD1's party between jealous friends. Last year another friend (age 10 BTW) had an hour long meltdown. So yeah, I dread every single birthday which seems to be often since I had four children.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> I don't do birthday parties at home because it's more stressful. I'd rather have someone else do all the work.
> 
> ...


I hate that too. For dd's last birthday we had to specify that the bday party was age specific as they were going to do a craft for their age. Well, recently we attended a 6-yo's bday party and at least 3 moms that I knew showed up with siblings. One came with 3 siblings, one with 2 and one with 1. One mom who has 2 kids just came with the invited kid.


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## Skippy918 (Jul 15, 2008)

I always ask if siblings are welcome if it's not specified on the invite.


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *DelawareMom*
> 
> Ahhh... We just had our first birthday party for DD. She turned 5 on Saturday and we planned a party for her at our house. I was almost in tears the whole morning, thinking no one would show up. I thought I was being insane. I am sooo relieved to know I'm not alone in my birthday anxiety. (She had 4 little friends come over and it was awesome.)


I`m right there with you 

Re: siblings at birthday parties; I once specified on the invite that siblings and parents were welcome, only to have one family refuse because the mother thought she couldn't just drop off her kid. I didn't mean to say that parents had to stay, but oh well... And I've heard about it through a common friend, so I couldn't tell her that her son was welcome with or without his family.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Nightwish, reviving this old thread. I am wondering how it went after all. Guess what we are having a party again and I am going thru the same anxiety. It's crazy. I think this will have to be our last party.


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## moon_momma (Sep 4, 2008)

My DS was invited last year as a special birthday guest and it was great! His friend could pick anyone to spend his special day with, they had pizza, ate cake, opened a few presents, went to a game place, had a ball, and it was NO stress for the parents.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Not sure how I stumbled upon this thread but, I just wanted to assure you all that it's SO much easier when they're older. My kids are 10 and just turned 12 and they've developed close friendships with a group of kids - they spend time out of school together so I know the parents. It's so much easier! But, when they were younger and we were inviting so many kids that I didn't even know - let alone know their parents - it was so stressful! And in classrooms where there's no class roster, it makes it even harder. One time we passed out invitations - hardly heard from anyone - didn't have a class roster so I had to hand write out reminders and pass them out. It's so rude! But once they're older and you no longer have to invite the whole class or groups of kids you don't know, it really is so much better. But, I totally understand your stress!


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Neera*
> 
> Nightwish, reviving this old thread. I am wondering how it went after all. Guess what we are having a party again and I am going thru the same anxiety. It's crazy. I think this will have to be our last party.


Last year's party was actually great. Almost everyone came (there was only one kid who didn't show up). The party was at an indoor pool, they just played in the pool for more than an hour, then we had cake and some snacks and opened presents. We had a party organizer who helped set the table and entertain the kids, but we had nothing organized, it was mostly free play. The kids had fun, they were exhausted by the end of the party (which is a good thing







). I don't know what I would have done with a bunch of energetic 8 y/o boys at a home party.

Amcal, you're right about things getting better as they get older. This year ds made some new friends in the neighbourhood and a couple of them already confirmed that they were coming. We are planning to have the party at an indoor playground, hopefully that will keep them busy, and I won't have to stress to much about what to do with them.

Neera, how old is your child? For my now 9 y/o I was thinking of having a couple more parties, then just inviting a couple of friends over, when he starts middle school.

Another question: do people throw parties for 12 y/o or older? Just wondering...


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

We started at age 9 not having parties any more for DD1. That year we took 2 of of her friends bowling. The next year was lunch and a pedicure with another two friends. This year was lunch and sledding at the resort with two sister friends. DD1 is only 11,middle school is next school year for us. We know a lot of older kids because of DD1's sports and we've been invited to their birthday events for years. It has never been a "party" more like lunch or dinner out, a movie, fun day at the hot springs, bowling, etc...


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

My DD turned 12 last week and we had a party. We took a group of her friends to the YMCA (we rented out 1/2 the gym) and they played volleyball, had pizza etc... We also invited some of her close friends for a sleepover.


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Hmm, sleepovers sound very tempting for older kids. I know ds would love that.


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## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

I always agonized about bday parties, too! omg. It's also been tough for my older two because they have summer bdays. So... I can't get ahold of classmates from school. And many times the people in our area are gone much of the summer or at camps all the time. Everyone around here is really scheduled all summer. What I do is have a special day just for them. If we can find someone in town (and I will wait sometimes a week or so), we will ask what they want to do... maybe go play some laser tag, have a sleepover, etc. For my son's 12th bday we took him and his friend to his first "by himself" movie (we dropped him off in front of the theater) that I would not allow his sisters to see. Then we took them out for burgers and the friend spent the night. For DD1's 10th bday NO ONE was in town. At all. And no one was going to be for a while. So my husband took off work and we took her into DC to see the Phillip's Collection (she loves art) and to eat at a place that just turned out to have a menu almost all seafood- her fav food! It was a REALLY nice day. And it's made more special because we can focus the attention on her rather than on cleaning for a party and a bunch of kids.

Last year my 8 year old had a big party with friends and it was ok. Very active. Everyone showed up because they were all friends of hers and I knew the parents. This year she decided to have a sleepover with her BFF and we went snow tubing the next day and out to eat dinner.

My kids have overwhelming preferred an outing of their choice to a party. And I prefer it too. I have never had a party inviting all their classmates. It sounds really unappealing and overwhelming to me. My kids seem to function better in a small gathering, anyway. So a special day with the family and them has always been appealing.

Things we have done: day trip to the beach (it's a few hours away and we've combined my older two's summer bdays and taken a beach trip where we take the cake, go have a blast on the boardwalk and beach, eat at a special pizza place for dinner and eat cake), art museums, laser tagging, movies (we surprised DD2 one year by wisking her off to the movies and out to eat when she was younger. She loved it!), going to go get ears pierced. These bdays have always been more memorable than a bday party with a bunch of kids. They talk about and remember birthdays from past years and it's been a good way to create some great memories.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

the reason i said this is going to be the last is because it has been so stressful. sleepless nights is the word. i chose the wrong time and day this time. so, we had only 2 kids coming until the last day. we got 2 more on the last day of rsvp and had to remind and sort of talk to 2 parents and tell them they could come late if they wanted to... that kind of stuff to which they agreed. from the looks of it smaller parties are more fun. and tell you what i deliberately chose the day and time at the time of planning so that it could stay a medium sized party about 9-10 kids, but then with only 6 coming was worried that some parents (that i really don't know that well but dd's in school with their kids) might find the party is like... empty. so, that was the only thing making me worry. i am a worrier anyways. at their age - 7 - i think they expect a largish scene and though i was ok with the # of guests that accepted I couldn't help but worry it's too small. so, the party hasn't happened yet and 11 kids are coming. phew! it feels like we are trying to sell the party to parents and kids. it's crazy. of course we didn't invite the whole, entire class.. and then we would have had 25 kids, siblings, the whole works..

i can't help but say how rude are some of them that just ignore your invite and your reminder. i thought at least one of the kid's (whose bday party dd attended in November) would have the decency to say Yes or No. but nothing, not even to the reminder.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Nightwish*
> 
> Another question: do people throw parties for 12 y/o or older? Just wondering...


My daughter will be 12 next month, and for the past few years we have not had a typical party but have invited a few friends to do something special -- one year it was manis/pedis, and I think this year we will be going to a very fun restaurant.


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## curebaby (Aug 21, 2013)

Piggybacking this thread, because DD's birthday is on July 4th weekend, so there's always no-shows, but I think we'll opt for a drop-in pizza parlor gathering this time. I have always had the tendency to go all out (made my own Bob the Tomato piñata last year, TYVM!) because DD is an only child and having a July birthday myself, I know how hard it is to gather kids for party time :/ This year I am actually thinking I may postpone her party until the following week so maybe the turnout will be better. What's causing me the most anxiety is DD's cousin/best friend moved away last year and as long as she was there, DD was satisfied. We have never had less than 4 kids, but I'm incapable of not worrying no one will show. So my thought (like some of you other moms have already experimented with) is having a venue will be a distraction if the turnout is lame... Ugh! I will be so glad when she will be at the age when she just wants a friend or two to celebrate with!


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *curebaby*
> 
> Piggybacking this thread, because DD's birthday is on July 4th weekend, so there's always no-shows, but I think we'll opt for a drop-in pizza parlor gathering this time. I have always had the tendency to go all out (made my own Bob the Tomato piñata last year, TYVM!) because DD is an only child and having a July birthday myself, I know how hard it is to gather kids for party time :/ This year I am actually thinking I may postpone her party until the following week so maybe the turnout will be better. What's causing me the most anxiety is DD's cousin/best friend moved away last year and as long as she was there, DD was satisfied. We have never had less than 4 kids, but I'm incapable of not worrying no one will show. So my thought (like some of you other moms have already experimented with) is having a venue will be a distraction if the turnout is lame... Ugh! I will be so glad when she will be at the age when she just wants a friend or two to celebrate with!


I didn't understand what you meant by "having a venue?" Recently someone in dd's class who has a Feb (cold!!) birthday had a party in March. I thought it wasn't a bad idea since the weather is so much better. Could you move your dd's bday up to be celebrated in June instead, when school is on?? Kids are in a good mood, looking forward to end of the school year and I'm assuming, probably looking for something fun to do as a pre-end of school celebration. Don't know?

We had an anxiety filled party this year. Some had backed out,some had not answered and the weather was bad so a couple backed out because of that. In the end siblings made up 1/2 of the guests. Also, after we had finished giving out the invites I gave out a few extra like an after thought. I know. It wasn't exactly one of those things I am going to be proud of myself for doing. Well, initially dd was so rigid as well about who she wanted and who she didn't. But, I did tell them that the class kids were being invited and the cards were already given out to them. I didn't hide that I was giving it to them late. Good luck and I'd love to hear how it went.


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## sageowl (Nov 16, 2010)

I hate birthday parties.


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## swede (Nov 21, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *curebaby*
> 
> Piggybacking this thread, because DD's birthday is on July 4th weekend, so there's always no-shows, but I think we'll opt for a drop-in pizza parlor gathering this time. I have always had the tendency to go all out (made my own Bob the Tomato piñata last year, TYVM!) because DD is an only child and having a July birthday myself, I know how hard it is to gather kids for party time :/ This year I am actually thinking I may postpone her party until the following week so maybe the turnout will be better. What's causing me the most anxiety is DD's cousin/best friend moved away last year and as long as she was there, DD was satisfied. We have never had less than 4 kids, but I'm incapable of not worrying no one will show. So my thought (like some of you other moms have already experimented with) is having a venue will be a distraction if the turnout is lame... Ugh! I will be so glad when she will be at the age when she just wants a friend or two to celebrate with!


DOn't know if this could work at all, but in lieu of a party, can you surprise your dd with her cousin flying in or you flying out to her, or meeting half way? We did something like this for my son for christmas when his best friend moved away.


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## curebaby (Aug 21, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Neera*
> 
> I didn't understand what you meant by "having a venue?" Recently someone in dd's class who has a Feb (cold!!) birthday had a party in March. I thought it wasn't a bad idea since the weather is so much better. Could you move your dd's bday up to be celebrated in June instead, when school is on??


A venue as in somewhere that isn't our backyard and has kid-friendly activities. I had thought about the end of the school year... my husband is working full time and in school full time so its hard to say if I could rely on him for assistance until school is officially out. I could at least get invites out, I suppose. I'm sorry your party plans were stressful again this year. I suspect I've created my own monster with all the anxiety I feel... when I was a kid in rural Alaska, I got a cake and the neighbor kids and that was it! So I'm really trying to ease off the hullabaloo attitude now before DD starts to expect every birthday is going to be an event. Still, its hard when even the MIL drops subtle hints that we schedule DDs party around ILs yearly week-long camping trip. :/

Flying in/picking up DDs cousin is a great idea







but not really in our budget right now. Her family moved to So-Cal and despite repeated attempts to stay in contact with them, care packages, etc., they don't seem to want to reciprocate. So I've been trying to refocus her attention on the friends she does have here.

I'm sure it will all work out in the end with no tears (except perhaps my own







)!


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Sorry you had poor attendance Neera. How does your dd feel about having fewer kids than expected at her party? Ds couldn't care less. He doesn't even ask the kids if they are coming or not when he hands out the invites. He has fun with whomever comes.
I'm the one who has issues


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Nightwish*
> 
> Sorry you had poor attendance Neera. How does your dd feel about having fewer kids than expected at her party? Ds couldn't care less. He doesn't even ask the kids if they are coming or not when he hands out the invites. He has fun with whomever comes.
> I'm the one who has issues


You're right. Dd had fun with whoever was there. There was one kid and the kid's siblings that she really didn't want to invite. She is mean. What can I say? They get mean at this age. And, I didn't see her playing with them. I mean I know she had her reasons and I am looking at her feelings through my eyes - an adult's. As an adult I'd let go of any minor issues KWIM? But she played with whoever else was there. A month later she was going to someone else's party and was v. excited. I just happened to comment then that she was more excited than she was at her own party and she said she didn't like her party that much because she had already played at that place before, as in, attended someone's else's party at the place. Well, also the kids tend to feel your stress so I'd say this one was less enjoyable for her than the last one we'd celebrated, which was a couple of yrs ago. Thanks for asking.


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## curebaby (Aug 21, 2013)

Soooo... just found out PreK ends May 22nd, so I think the early birthday party coinciding with the end of the school year is
probably out. I know she wants the party, but I'm starting to think about doing a fun day with one good friend, and a family party later.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *curebaby*
> 
> Soooo... just found out PreK ends May 22nd, so I think the early birthday party coinciding with the end of the school year is
> probably out. I know she wants the party, but I'm starting to think about doing a fun day with one good friend, and a family party late


That's my plan for next year's birthday - one friend. They aren't best friends or anything but I know I can rely that she'll come unless she's sick. And with one friend it would be easy to cancel and reschedule. If next year she has made some other friend/s that she really wants then it will be them as well but probably not more than 3 kids.


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *curebaby*
> 
> Soooo... just found out PreK ends May 22nd, so I think the early birthday party coinciding with the end of the school year is
> probably out. I know she wants the party, but I'm starting to think about doing a fun day with one good friend, and a family party later.


When my kids wers toddlers and preschoolers I used to envy parents whose kids had summer birthdays







They could just throw the party in their back yard, or even a park, and I was stuck inside in the middle of winter (or a rainy fall day).
I'm sure your dd will have fun, whatever you decide.


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## curebaby (Aug 21, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Nightwish*
> 
> When my kids wers toddlers and preschoolers I used to envy parents whose kids had summer birthdays
> 
> ...


Lol... the grass is always greener, right?


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