# How to Explain Spanking to MY Children



## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

My SIL and her husband spank their children for, what seems to me, every little "infraction." My dd (3) has never been spanked and has never even heard the word.

My SIL is going to be moving to our area, which means that we will more than likely see them at family gatherings. WHEN (b/c it's only a matter of when) my BIL and SIL spank the children, how do I explain that form of discipline to my little girl?

I don't want her to be afraid of her aunt and uncle. Any advice?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter didn't know the word and then saw someone spank their child and yelled, loudly, "MOMMY!!! That daddy just hit his sweetie!! Why would someone hit his sweetie? Why, Mommy, Why????"

I said, "some people think that they can teach their children by hitting them. They call it 'spanking'."

That's the best I could come up with.


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

I wouldnt' bother with it unless/until she hears or sees it. At that point, say something like "some mommies and daddies spank their children to try to teach them things. we don't do that in our house, and mommy and daddy will never spank you. and aunt x and uncle y would never spank you either, because they're not your parents".


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I wouldn't mince words. I would say, regardless of who is in hearing, "Some adults hit people who are too little to fight back. It's a way of being a bully. It's a terrible thing, and eventually it will be illegal. If any grown up EVER tries to hit, scream "STOP" and come get me right away."


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yes, I did tell my daughter that no one is allowed to do that to her ever and she should let me know if anyone ever even talks about it because I will protect her.


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

My BIL and his wife spank their children. When my dd sees it, I just ask her if she's okay (cause she's often scared) and that sometimes adults aren't always nice to their kids. She's only 2.5 though. Thankfully we live about 380 miles away from them.


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## sisterfunkhaus (Jun 24, 2007)

I think that it should be phrased for a child as neutrally and respectfully as possible. I would say, "Some people believe that spanking makes their children behave better, but we do not believe that way.We do not spank you, and they will not spank you." That way, she won't challenge her aunt and uncle for practicing their own form of "discipline' and will not challenge others in public etc.. about their choice to spank.


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## asoulunbound (May 16, 2006)

imo, I think simply stating something like "some parents thinking that hitting their children is a helpful way to discipline, but we think that it is not good to hit, so we do not hit. No one is allowed to hit you." or something of that nature. I guess my example is a bit wordy, but basically I mean you should say that some, not all, parents spank, and affirm your belief for a more gentle way and also assure your child that it is not okay for anyone to hit her, and that she is safe. Hope that helps!


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bdavis337* 
I wouldnt' bother with it unless/until she hears or sees it. At that point, say something like "some mommies and daddies spank their children to try to teach them things. we don't do that in our house, and mommy and daddy will never spank you. and aunt x and uncle y would never spank you either, because they're not your parents".

definitely the approach i would choose.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
I don't want her to be afraid of her aunt and uncle. Any advice?

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about that. I was not hit by my parents and I distinctly remember being terrified of my aunt and uncle because they did hit their kids.

I would keep it short as the other suggested. And I wouldn't permit it in my house but that's a whole other thread...


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Why should we be worried about 'challenging' people over their 'choice' to spank?


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## josephine_e (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
Why should we be worried about 'challenging' people over their 'choice' to spank?

ita! i think it's ridiculous that it's socially acceptable to hit children, but socially unacceptable to call it what it is and challenge it/stand up for children's rights. i know it's a touchy subject -- i've bitten my tongue MANY times. maybe this belongs on another thread, but, if we keep quiet about child abuse (violence against children), how will it ever become socially unacceptable to hit kids??

i agree about assuring dd that hitting is not okay in your family -- nobody can hit her and she can't hit anybody.

also, could you ask SIL and BIL to keep their "discipline" private? perhaps if you explain to them your feelings about it and that if your dd sees it you'll have to explain those feelings to her. imho, if they don't want to be challenged by your dd, i think it's their responsibility to keep it away from her, not yours to teach her to keep quiet about the fact that violence isn't okay. if she says "mommy says it's not okay to hit anyone" they could simply reply by saying "we disagree." and leave it at that. i think if they don't have enough respect for you and your dd to do that, you might want to consider how much you want her to be around them?


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

I doubt they will even be able to keep it private b/c a lot of it is knee jerk reactions to whatever their children do. Not all of it is "spanking," it's also pops in the head, shoves, gripping and grabbing, as well as language.

Right now they live out of state and in the past, my dd was too young to realize what was happening. I will definitely try to keep our exposure to them minimal. Also, they aren't very receptive to any advice or communication when it comes to parenting.

If my dd witnesses something, I will explain it to her like pp suggested. The most important things I want her to understand is that we don't hit in our family and they will not hit/hurt her.

Thanks for your help!!


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## kymholly (Jul 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
I doubt they will even be able to keep it private b/c a lot of it is knee jerk reactions to whatever their children do. Not all of it is "spanking," it's also pops in the head, shoves, gripping and grabbing, as well as language.

Right now they live out of state and in the past, my dd was too young to realize what was happening. I will definitely try to keep our exposure to them minimal. Also, they aren't very receptive to any advice or communication when it comes to parenting.

If my dd witnesses something, I will explain it to her like pp suggested. The most important things I want her to understand is that we don't hit in our family and they will not hit/hurt her.

Thanks for your help!!

It probably goes without saying that you not allow them to be alone with your children.

I don't know your family, but they may or may not feel that your child is off-limits to them in terms of physical discipline. Once you tell your child that they won't hit/hurt her, you need to make sure that either they are on board with that or they never have the opportunity.

Good luck.


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## sisterfunkhaus (Jun 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
Why should we be worried about 'challenging' people over their 'choice' to spank?


I do not think that it is appropriate for a three year-old to challenge something like that. If something is legal, then I do not feel that it is my place or hers to confront something they are doing that is within the law. If I want to speak out about something, I join an organization and try to make a difference on a larger scale.I can't see confronting a stranger for doing something legal. It seems dangerous (I live in the highest crime city in the US.) And, I would guess that most people wouldn't be affected. They would react like some stubborn dogs do. You know, you try to lead them somewhere on their leash, or try to get them to do something and they put lead in their butts. Most people don't react positively to being told how to parent.

I feel that I can use GD without having a preschooler going around challenging an adult's decision to lawfully spank. I also do not personally enjoy confronting others about things like that. It isn't my style. It's not the way MY family works (although my 4 yo frequently makes remarks to smokers.)

Now I'd be more than happy to tell family that I don't believe in something and do not want them spanking my child, etc... I have no problem with that. It's my kid. I had several issues with ML that I had to address. I'm not concerned about doing that kind of thing.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

ITA with ThreeBeans! My kids would be scared of someone they saw hitting kids, it's those adults with the issue, not the child! If they do that your DC may be scared & I'd let her be. People SHOULD be horrified to see a child being hurt! I would never, under ANY circumstances, allow them to hit in MY home. And I wouldn't hesitate to immediatly comfort my child elsewhere if they do it, regardless of what they overhear or "may not like." If you're big enough to hit a kid you should be big enough to take the flack!







:


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

We just encountered this at the grocery store the other day. Two boys that looked to be around 5 and 8 years old were in one of those racecar carts together and they were fighting. The 8 year old hit the 5 year old, who started crying. The Mom YELLED, "If you don't quit, you are both getting a pop on the butt!"

My son overheard this, and asked me what a "pop on the butt" was. Ugh. My son is 4.5 years old, so I felt he was old enough to know the truth. I told him some families hit their kids on the bottom when they do not behave. I explained that our family does not do that, because we believe it's never ok to hit. He asked a few questions, and told me it would make him cry to be hit on the bottom. I assured him that I've never hit him, and never will.

I do think he really understood. We live in the deep South, nearly everyone spanks here. This will NOT be the first time he encounters it. I hope for him to learn that it occurs, we do NOT think it is ok, and our family does things very differently.


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