# My 9 year old daughter is asking questions about sex...need some guidance please!



## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

I have to admit, it has been a long time since I've felt the need to seek out help with the kids. However, the other night, dd told me she has been searching for naked pictures on the internet (prior to me putting a parental block on it), and that she is really curious about sex. She feels like a monster, and abnormal. I told her she was none of those things, that she was completely normal. She said, well no one at school thinks about these things; to which I answered, "That you know of...". So..now, I need to find a way to talk to her about sex, which is age appropriate...Any suggestions??? I would greatly appreciate it!!!
THanks in advance,

MamaSoleil


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

At 9 I would ask what she all ready knows and if there are inaccruacies (like no one else her age thinking about sex) help her figure out what they are and what the truth is.

I'm sure there are books that would help, but quite honestly I never bothered with them. So someone else will have to offer suggestions.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

That's a good point...I should ask her what she thinks sex is...although she walked in on me and her father when she was 5, she thinks that's why she is so curious...but I told her that many many kids walk in on their parents at some point...I guess I just didn't think this day would come so soon!!!


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
At 9 I would ask what she all ready knows

Yes, and perhaps also invite her to ask you any questions she has. It sounds like you have a good relationship with lots of honest communication, so I think that might work well.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

There's a book called It's Perfectly Normal about body changes and beginning to have interest in sex. http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-.../dp/1564021599 It's recommended for ages 10 and up but if your dd is 9 and interested, it might be a good choice for her. We have It's So Amazing about where babies come from for my 6-year-old and it's part of the same series. They're fairly explicit as far as giving complete information, but are written for that age and only use drawings in a comic-book style. But it should answer any questions she has and give her an opening for any dialog she wants to have with you.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

DD walked in on DH and I when she was 6. That brought up a whole lot of new questions from what she had asked when she was younger.

Given that she's worried about being abnormal, talking about the mental aspects of sex would probably benifit her.


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## Benjismom (Aug 24, 2002)

I am a big fan of Debra Haffner--here's one of her books ("From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children"): http://www.newmarketpress.com/title.asp?id=480

Good luck!

Beth
DS1 (8-1/2), DD (6) and DS2 (2 mos.)


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I would sit down with her at the computer and seek out "medical" type pictures WITH her. There's plenty of information out there to answer her questions without resorting to pornographic pictures. There are diagrams and written descriptions of different sexual acts- if she's heard of some of these and thinks she sort of knows what they are, then IMO it's a good idea for her to learn both the medical term for those acts as well as various slang terms. I'd explain about STDs and conception and the risks of STD transmision from various sexual acts, how condom use can prevent but not eliminate these risks, etc. Teach her your own morals regarding sexuality.

Definitely re-assure her that it's perfectly normal for her to be curious about the human body. I'm guessing that's she's in the early stages of puberty and there may be a hormonal component here as well. Especially if she's further along hormonally than her peers, she may be a few years ahead in the "sexual fantasy" department. If this is the case, she needs to realize she's "advanced" not "abnormal."

Let her know that sexual curiosity is normal, sexual fantasies are normal, but certain ways of acting out these feelings can be dangerous. Sexual activity with another child would not be appropriate. Pretending that Barbie and Ken (or 2+ dolls of any gender) are having sex is 100% safe and appropriate at this age, especially if she's playing independently.

This is also the time to talk about puberty and body chances she's either experiencing or about to experience. It can't hurt her to learn about male puberty development too. She may have seen naked baby boys (diaper changes, toddlers who hate clothes, etc) and wonder how they differ from adult men.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Oh, that reminds me, it also talks about homosexuality, as well as stuff like masturbation, abortion, contraception - all from a pretty liberal standpoint. It isn't too early to talk about those kinds of things - particularly homosexuality as kids start to recognize those feelings pretty early if they have them. But anyway it's a book written from a pretty liberal and inclusive viewpoint. Which is something I like about this series. But you should probably be warned if you are considering spending $$.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I agree with all the advice given here. I have to admit, I dread this! I was never able to talk to my parents about these things. I hope I can talk about it maturely without feeling like a little kid myself when the time comes.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

I was about to recommend Debra Haffner's books and the It's So Amazing/It's Perfectly Normal books, but I see that my work has already been done.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

I sat down and talked to my girls openly and honestly about sex and I also got them a copy of the book Girls Stuff to read:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/015...pf_rd_i=507846

*Warning:* this book dose discuss homosexuality and different types of sex which depending on your religious beliefs and how much info you want to give your daughter may not be the right book for you to choose.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

We're having a lot of conversations around sex here (my elder sons are 10 and 8) and I'm discovering that whilst I have no problems with the nuts and bolts of what goes where, the ins and outs, the emotions of it all there is a point where I need to draw a line and start talking in the third person (For me, specifically, this point was when my DS2 found my rabbit vibrator and asked what the ears did.) They've been fine about respecting that, and so far, don't seem unduly traumatised.
One of mine is also really quite curious about puberty/sex/relationships/etc, and I have found that he has become far more huggy and wanting physical affection (and he was never a hands-off kid to start with!). I can remember that as a teenager, I felt shorted on the physical affection, and I had sexual relationships because that was pretty much the only way I could find to get my need for physical contact met. I'll just throw that idea out for you to consider?


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

Thank you all so much for the replies! I actually got the "It's Perfectly Normal' book and it seems to be what I was needing! I've read a few chapters with her, she was touched that I went out and searched for answers for her. So, all is well...until the next 'panic' on my part! Honestly, I've missed this place...perhaps I'll be sticking around more again!!!
Cheers,
Mamasoleil


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Dear Soleil,

I am a guidance counselor in an elementary school. There are 104 kids in the fourth grade at my school. Lots of them have come to talk to me about sex this year, because they know I am a safe person to talk to who will keep their secrets. Lots of them are wondering about sex, and thinking about sex, and most of them feel like they are weird because of it. They don't know that all their friends are having similar thoughts and questions because it is such a private, personal subject.

Please don't feel like you are weird -- you sound like you are thinking normal 4th grade thoughts. Have you ever noticed how you think a lot about something when you are ready to learn more about it? I think you are just ready to learn more about this subject. Your mom is the perfect person to help you - just keep telling her stuff and listening to what she says back.

Love, Mamaduck


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaSoleil* 
Thank you all so much for the replies! I actually got the "It's Perfectly Normal' book and it seems to be what I was needing!

That is so good to hear! I also was going to recommend that book.

Quote:

I've read a few chapters with her, she was touched that I went out and searched for answers for her.
You are such a great mama!

Quote:

So, all is well...until the next 'panic' on my part!
In a few years, when this "panic" comes up again, try _Changing Bodies, Changing Lives_ by Ruth Bell.

And keep on breathing!


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Caveat: my kid is too young for this conversation yet.

I really love the book: Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child's Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens. It answered every question I could possibly have. It is very respectful about the fact that people have different levels of things they want to disclose to their children (homosexuality, pornography, masturbation, etc) and it gives some helpful ways of handling discussions however conservative you want to be.

At 9 I would probably stick to answering her questions. I might mention that sex is way more interesting in theory than practice when you are young because your body isn't done figuring out the wiring yet. Personally I'm going to be a proponent of masturbation. I'm not quite sure exactly how I'm going to say that to my daughter yet







but I'll figure something out.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

This is great, I am going to read it to her tonight! Thank you so much!!!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Dear Soleil,

I am a guidance counselor in an elementary school. There are 104 kids in the fourth grade at my school. Lots of them have come to talk to me about sex this year, because they know I am a safe person to talk to who will keep their secrets. Lots of them are wondering about sex, and thinking about sex, and most of them feel like they are weird because of it. They don't know that all their friends are having similar thoughts and questions because it is such a private, personal subject.

Please don't feel like you are weird -- you sound like you are thinking normal 4th grade thoughts. Have you ever noticed how you think a lot about something when you are ready to learn more about it? I think you are just ready to learn more about this subject. Your mom is the perfect person to help you - just keep telling her stuff and listening to what she says back.

Love, Mamaduck


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