# A good friend lost her baby during birth-advice please



## ShelleyMom2in2 (Aug 2, 2004)

Yesterday a got word that a good friend (AllyRae, she is a member here) lost her son Ryland during labour. I would really appreciate advice from moms who have been there. What do I say to her? what can I do for her? We are several states away. If we were closer I would be there physically. I just feel so helpless and in a fog. I dont want to cause her more pain by saying ro doing something wrong.
Yesterday morning I had flowers sent up to her room, this morning I sent out a pretty pair of pajamas. She had had a matching set of pajamas made for her, her older son and Ryland. I didnt want her to be stuck haviung to wear the matching clothing.
A bunch of her online friends and I are sending a large food gift basket and a gift certificate to a restaurant (take out)
I want to do more, how can IU tell her Im here for anything without being pushy or invading her greiving time?
She is the best mom in the entire world, she is the mom I wish I could be, no one deserves to lose a baby but especially not her.

Thanks for any advice,

Shelley


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

You can just be there. Let her know that. Email her. Call her. Tell her that you love her. Talk about Ryland. Cry with her.
Also give her permission to not to answer your every call or email. @ some point she will go & be a recluse, tell her that is ok, & you will be there when she comes out. Keep her informed. Don't be afraid that you will hurt her. She will hurt no matter what, it hurt worse when people try to "protect" us.
Just being there is the best thing you can do. Hold her gently in your heart along with her son. Do not forget aniversaries, as she will not forget them.
I hope this helps, even a little.


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## ShelleyMom2in2 (Aug 2, 2004)

Thank you Cristina, I appreciate the advice.

I certainly will never forget the day of his passing. It happened 3 days before my sons second birthday. That will be a hard one to forget.

Thank you for the insight about the pulling away and being alone. I will let her know I will be there waiting when she wants to come back.

Im so sad and angry for her.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I agree with everything Christina said. Anniversaries to know about are the monthly ones - every month around the 7th she'll probably be at her neediest, her conception anniversary is another one that can affect some moms in this situation. In about 3-4 weeks, calls are going to stop, cards are going to stop, meals, flowers, etc. will all stop and that's when she will need you.

And please let her know that there are women on the P&LB here that have been through what she has and that we would love the opportunity to be there for her.


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## ShelleyMom2in2 (Aug 2, 2004)

Cristina I got yiur pm's thank you!

Kerri thank you. Im sure she knows about this forum, she has been at MDC far far longer than me. But I will mention it to her. Ill be sure to be around for monthly anniversaries, that seems so obvious but I didnt even consider it an 'anniversary'







I feel aweful for her, I want to do more


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I agree with the others.

keep calling, keep emailing. dont stop, even if she never calls you back or emails you back. As sometimes picking up the phone to dial it or responding to an email is just too much of an effort.
she will need you for a long long time.

also, tell her we are all here for her at p and b loss when she is ready.


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## celrae (May 3, 2005)

Thanks for thinking of Ally- it's important to let her know you are there. She is part of the local AP mom group that I know and I wanted to reassure everyone that she will be taken care of. But, more support is allways positive.


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## salado (Jan 10, 2005)

I have had training in this area and want to back up what everyone has said here. Simply be there.
And don't expect her to act-or not to act-in any particular way.

A few things I did want to add:

** Don't forget her DH. Sometimes the guys are ignored and they are hurting just as much.

**Don't forget the grandparents,aunts and uncles....


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Don't wait for her to set the lead on what she wants/needs. She may not know. I didn't for a very long time. In hindsight, I wish I would have posted these simple things...

- I don't know what I need or want, it's not like my babies die every day. (There's no rules, no timelines, no measure of the pain. Just one day at a time)
- Don't "protect" me, all it does is make me feel even more alone and like a freak. (It didn't take much for me to think people thought badly of me because I felt badly about myself. I was blaming myself so when people avoided me or the topic, I felt like they were agreeing with this thought)
- I need to talk about my baby. I'm a mom and I need to share him. So ask questions, it's much easier to answer questions then to continue a conversation. (Everytime I get to say Connor had blonde hair, I feel a sense of pride)
- It may be ALREADY six (twelve, eighteen, etc) months to you but I'm still not over it. I never will be. (Some of the best support I received was from people after the first eight weeks).
- Most importantly, grieve with me instead of pitying me. (The people that I hold so deeply now are the ones that cried not for me but because they wouldn't see Connor turn one).

My heart goes out to any grieving mother.


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## salado (Jan 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShelleyMom2in2*
Yesterday a got word that a good friend (AllyRae, she is a member here) lost her son Ryland during labour. I would really appreciate advice from moms who have been there. What do I say to her? what can I do for her? We are several states away. If we were closer I would be there physically. I just feel so helpless and in a fog. I dont want to cause her more pain by saying ro doing something wrong.
Yesterday morning I had flowers sent up to her room, this morning I sent out a pretty pair of pajamas. She had had a matching set of pajamas made for her, her older son and Ryland. I didnt want her to be stuck haviung to wear the matching clothing.
A bunch of her online friends and I are sending a large food gift basket and a gift certificate to a restaurant (take out)
I want to do more, how can IU tell her Im here for anything without being pushy or invading her greiving time?
She is the best mom in the entire world, she is the mom I wish I could be, no one deserves to lose a baby but especially not her.

Thanks for any advice,

Shelley

Shelley-that was very nice(the pjs). What great insight.


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## salado (Jan 10, 2005)

I also wanted to add..when 9/7/06 comes around, call her. Talk with her. Did you know that I had a good friend who miscarried and that I am the only person who called her on her baby's actual due date? She cried with happiness when I did


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

The best thing you can do to help your friend is to listen to her, support her and be there with her every step of the way. Listening is key.

Encourage her to join a bereavement support group in her area so that she can talk with other families who have experienced the death of their baby. Having this support will help her to know she is not alone.

Get her a copy of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis and encourage her and her partner to do whatever they need to do to remember their baby. This is very important.

Encourage them to take their time grieving and do what feels right to honour Ryland's life. A great resource book called Bittersweet... hellogoodbye: A Resource In Planning Farewell Rituals When A Baby Dies is available from the National Share Office http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/ I highly recommend it.

Here are some great websites with support information:

http://www.kotapress.com/
http://www.misschildren.org/
http://www.shareatlanta.org/
http://www.hygeia.org/
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
http://www.pbso.ca/
http://www.sandsvic.org.au/

Please see my site in memory of Amy Dawn for more ideas of how you can support your friend.

Take care and please write if you need to talk.....

Love and hugs,


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## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

It has been two weeks for me. From what i'm going through right now she is definately going to need someone to talk to. To remember her sweet baby. For me it helps to talk about my baby. She may not feel like talking to anyone so check up on her. Ask her how she is feeling, dont wait for her to tell you. But most importantly be there for her during this tough time.


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coleslaw*
In about 3-4 weeks, calls are going to stop, cards are going to stop, meals, flowers, etc. will all stop and that's when she will need you.

And please let her know that there are women on the P&LB here that have been through what she has and that we would love the opportunity to be there for her.











After the initial period when she may be well supported, a lot of people seem to think that she should "move on" and that's probably when she will be in most need of someone that is there and fully acknowledges and talks about her baby son. Don't try to avoid talking about it. Talk about her labor, her pregnancy; be a witness in the short life of Ryland.

I also appreciated the help with the organization of my son's memorial, you know "unimportant" things like phone calls, drinks/food, photos and whatnot.... DH and I were not up to that really....

And everything else the other good momas here said.....

You are a good friend.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh wow, AllyRae...? I am so, so sorry to hear this! Man, I swore I was done posting here but I just have to send her some love







I lost my DD during birth and it was devastating... just such a huge shock that you don't even trust that the sky is blue anymore. I agree with everything that has been said, and I am so happy that she has the support of many loving mamas to see her through this...


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *salado*
** Don't forget her DH. Sometimes the guys are ignored and they are hurting just as much.

**Don't forget the grandparents,aunts and uncles....


Good one!!! Particularly the dh. Everyone and I mean everyone forgets about him! He lost a child too.


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