# An intro and my story...



## lovelittleb (Dec 19, 2003)

Hi all,

I'm typically a lurker here on MDC, searching for info and learning, but after having my 2nd miscarriage I thought this would be a good place to spill my feelings. I am part of a smaller message board, but at the moment there are 12 ladies pregnant and to be honest it is really difficult right now for me to hear about their pregnancies, so I just don't really feel comfortable there right now.

My name is Sarah (29), I have a beautiful 21 month old daughter who seems to know when I need some extra cuddling and a wonderful, supportive dh. At the moment we live in South Jersey, still figuring out where we want to settle.

I had my first miscarriage back in November. I was 9 weeks, but the baby had stopped growing at 6-1/2 weeks. I had very light spotting 2 days before my scheduled appointment and really wasn't too worried about it, but at my appt. I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was really shocked...I truly never expected it to happen to me. I let nature take its course and I passed everything on November 21, 2004. I had terrible cramping and pains that were just like my labor pains with my daughter. They only lasted for about thirty minutes...I felt it was so cruel to have to go through that pain and have nothing to show for it, but at the same time I was glad to have the pain, it helped me cry louder and harder than I had and I think I needed to get that out. It was really difficult for me to try and heal from it, but I had a good support system and some friends and family that had gone through a loss and they helped me. We actually got the sweetest and most heartfelt letters from two people I least expected them from. Two of my husband's single college male friends! They openly shared their love for us and truly shared their grief with us....just not the sentiments I expected out of two single bachelors! Although this time was difficult, my dh and I really wanted our family to grow and we knew we wanted to try again as soon as we could.

Once my period returned, I had one anovulatory cycle and then we managed to get pregnant on our first try. I tested a week early (and several times after that) and got the second line. We felt really blessed to have been able to get pregnant so soon. I was happy to be experiencing some pregnancy symptoms, but wanted more! I felt much more reassured when I was feeling nauseous all the time. But I never really felt that this time. Around 6-1/2 weeks I had some very light spotting, actually it was more like a pink dot, but it freaked me out so I called my dr for an appt and they scheduled an u/s for that evening. My dh and I went in and saw our baby and a heartbeat, everything measuring on schedule and everyone telling us that it was a great sign to see the heartbeat, because the chance for miscarriage drops to 5% once a heartbeat is seen. Saturday I started having more dark brown blood and then Sunday, March 6, there was more and it was deep red. I was still holding out hope. But then I passed a blood clot. And then I passed the sac and saw my beautiful, perfect baby and knew that there was no hope left for this pregnancy. I feel so bleesed to have seen our baby, it was such a miracle to see...I knew exactly what I was looking at, there was no mistaking it for anything. It was incredibly emotional, and I will never forget seeing our baby.

I made the mistake of listening to my doctor and going into the ER so she could check me out. She made it out that she was going to let them know that I was coming in and she would expedite things....yeah right. Anyway 8 hours, an iv, a catheter, the worst internal exam ever, the most horrible u/s tech ever, and the threat of a d&e later, I went home. A really terrible day turned into pretty much the worst I've ever experienced.

So here I am now, struggling with so many questions. Terrified that this will happen again and feeling terribly lonely. There have been a lot less calls this time around, I guess people just don't know what to say when it happens again so soon.

Thanks for reading, it feels better to write this all out.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sarah-

I am sorry to here of the los of your two angels.. We welcome you here with open arms and listening ears. Please take good care of yourself, my thoughts are with you today. I lost my son Luke at 40 weeks and one day. Yesterday was 1 month that he was born still.


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

Oh, I'm so sorry. To have the courage to try again, and have it all happen again.... and worrying now, I imagine, that it is likely to happen again....

My m/c was just a few days before your first one. I wanted to say thanks for talking about seeing your baby; mine was just a little farther along, probably, but I didn't have the mc until 10 weeks, so it had lost a lot of its shape.... Your words help me imagine my own baby's body better.

Come here whenever you need to. I've found it's a good place for those times when I need more support than the people around me are able to offer. The women here are, well, here.

Be gentle with yourself.
Denise


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Sarah,
I am sorry mama....Sorry that you are having to go through a miscarriage...again.
Please know that you are welcome here. I look forward to hearing you share, process and heal.

Love and Peace to you.

~Jackie


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
So sorry for the loss of both of your babies. I hope you find the great support here that I have. I lost my daughter at 39 weeks on Nov. 28. and these women have been so supportive. Welcome. Please feel free to share whatever is on your mind.
-Angela


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## mama2eve (Jul 1, 2004)

Lovelittleb

Hugs and support to you.....

I am in a similar boat in that I have also had two consecutive losses. Mine occuring within 7 months of one another. We recently lost our second pregnancy on 2nd March and I was sitting in the ER crying and trying to get my head around a 2nd loss and possible 2nd d&c. Why was this happening to me twice?

After an ultrasound, my 2nd miscarriage was diagnosed as an exctopic pregnancy and I was rushed into emergency surgery. They were able to repair my tube and I luckily avoided a blood transfusion.

I dont think I have even BEGUN to process this experience. The surgery and the news was so shocking, I am still trying to recover physically. My first miscarriage was devastatingly emotional....this one has been devastatingly physical. Both have been painful losses nonetheless.

Right now I am hanging on to the hope that one day soon, I can bring home our much wanted 2nd child. Although I know that our next attempt will be highly charged with the fear of another loss. But we mustnt let the fear dampen our spirits. Take the time to grieve but never lose the hope.....


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am sorry to hear about your losses

take extra care of yourself in this very hard time

tara


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sarah-

Sending warm toughts and hugs to you today, I hope you are doing ok...


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am sorry to hear of your losses, Sarah...we greive with you.


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