# had another baby, hate my toddler



## aurora_skys (Apr 1, 2008)

pretty much...
This is driving my husband and I crazy - every time the new baby cries my 20 mo goes ballistic, crying and screaming like death. Its making daily life really stressful, he cant even handle hearing a whimper before he freaks out.
He also now asks for everything constantly and screams horribly when i say no (like he wakes up at 6 am, asks for a car ride and flips when i say we cant do that right now)
please help, its to the point where everything he does annoys me now and i just want to hit him (i wouldnt but, you know, im so mad i have to really remind myself...)
How do we deal with this appropriately??


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

This may sound simplistic, but can you answer your toddler with a "yes"? Like, when he asks for a car ride, you can say, "Sure, we'll go for a car ride at 10 o'clock."


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I agree with the PP. You changed your toddlers world and they do not have the understanding or the reasoning power adults or older children.

My brother and I are 19 months apart and according to my mother I had a VERY hard time adjusting to the point of chewing my finger nails till they bled.

Lots of extra love and understanding for your toddler.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

It will get better. Really.

I only have one child so far, but have four others all day every day in my home daycare. Each time I have added a new child it throws everything out of whack and everyone goes nuts and makes me crazy for about six weeks. But then it is back to normal. We are just about back to normal again after I added a 10mo to our daycare at the beginning of May. It is SO HARD in the moment, but just keep reminded yourself that it won't last forever.

Your DS will adjust to have a new baby in the house, the baby will get into a routine, and you will (hopefully) be able to get some more sleep making it easier to cope all around.

So what do you do in the meantime?? I agree with the PPs that figuring out a way to say "yes" is a good strategy. Can you get a break from your toddler during the day? Can your DH take him to the park, or do you have a grandparent nearby that would love some one-on-one time? Having a bit of time to snuggle your new baby without your toddler freaking out is important.

At the same time, can you have your DH take your baby into another room for a while, or pop her in a swing for a bit, and really take some time to focus on the toddler for a while? The reason he is freaking out every time the baby cries is because he has figured out that the baby will be getting attention.

I find it helps to see things from the child's perspective. Imagine if your DH suddenly brought home a second wife without warning. You might start acting out and throwing fits every time the new wife wanted attention from DH as well! That is what it is like for your little guy. But make sure you get some time for your own self-care as well.

Hugs mama!


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Your other BABY has NO IDEA how to handle the new changes in his WORLD. Please try to understand that . He has NO IDEA how to cope. He needs YOUR HELP. Hes still a baby.

Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.


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## emilyash (Jan 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.


Sleep deprivation and constant demands might make me pretty nuts, too.

Hang in there, mama. Give that big one more love and like pp said, try to see it from his perspective. This too will pass.


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

I would hire some outside help to hang with your 20 month old, to ensure they are getting the attention they need. 20 months is YOUNG, and a new baby thrown into it is bound to cause some serious regression/behavioral stuff.

Get help, and maybe try to spend a chunk of time alone with your 20 month old doing momma/kid stuff. Tough with a newborn, but a little time here and there can be really helpful for your toddler


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## Green mama (Apr 12, 2010)

Mine are 17 mo apart and we also dealt with very difficult times. KNow it is temporary, until your first adjusts. It absolutely will get better.

Someone described what my first born was feeling like this: Imagine your spouse (or SO) comes home one day with another woman and he just expects you all to live together peacefully...
^ THat is how your son feels about the baby right now. He wants ALL of your love and time again. In time he will learn that isn't happening and cope better. While you are living it however, it is very trying, I know.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

DS1 was a monster too after DS2 was born until we got into a new routine and he got used to it. My and DH's getting mad and exasperated with his behavior did not help him at all. Some things that did help were keeping him busy and giving him everything reasonable that he wanted, including a lot of positive attention. When he got too worked up when things did no go his way, forcing him to just sit and chill out was needed. Reminding yourself and him of all his good qualities can help both of you get through it.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
Your other BABY has NO IDEA how to handle the new changes in his WORLD. Please try to understand that . He has NO IDEA how to cope. He needs YOUR HELP. Hes still a baby.

Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.

That exactly. He's used to having you all to himself and now he has to share. And he's not even 2, he has no clue. And probably no idea how to express how he's feeling. He obviously gets that when the baby cries, you respond.

And why can't you take him for a car ride at 6 am? Instead of getting mad, put yourself in his shoes. He's not trying to make you hate him, he's trying to adjust and doesn't know how. And definitely give him some one on one time.

Good luck! It won't last forever.


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## Italiamom (Mar 18, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emilyash* 
Sleep deprivation and constant demands might make me pretty nuts, too.

Hang in there, mama. Give that big one more love and like pp said, try to see it from his perspective. This too will pass.

This this this. Give your eldest lots more love. Is it possible to maybe have some one on one time with your oldest LO? Especially first thing in the morning? Kind of charge his battery for the day.

Hugs to you. You've got a lot on the ol' plate, it's okay to be crabby in the privacy of your computer screen


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## jumpmama (Jun 4, 2010)

make as much alone time for your oldest as possible. he needs just as much love as that newborn!


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## RiverandJulie (Feb 1, 2010)

I watched my sister go thru this with her second, she was diagnosed with ppd. The PPD really influenced her attitude towards her toddler, not the baby at all. Once she got help, I saw a real change in her attitude towards the toddler, and that affected the attitude of her toddler. EVeryone in the family is much happier now!


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## ivymae (Nov 22, 2005)

I'll speak up for PPD as well - personally, my PPD manifests as rage, specifically at my older kids. Yes, they can be frustrating, but on good days I can roll with the punches and find ways to defuse the situation, and on bad days I just feed into the tension and we all end up screaming. taking a toddler's actions personally is one of my signposts that things aren't okay.


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## RachelJoy (Aug 25, 2005)

no suggestions but I do sympathize with you. I don't think you're crazy at all. we are going through the same thing right now but a little later than newborn/toddler. Our oldest was at the birth of his little sister and things went great for a while. But now that they're 3 and 1 it's like sibling jelousy to the max!!!! Sam has a really hard time expressing his emotions in anything but crying. IT drives me BONKERS! He is a very sensitive kid but sometimes I just want to walk away. But I started counting how many times a day I hug him verses my other one and I was appaled with myself. So now I set at daily "goal" for how many times I want to be sure and hug Sam and tell him I love him. The days I hit my goal are way better (less crying/fits) than the other days.







Hugs to you mamma! This too shall pass!


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

I sympathize. And I can't blame you for saying no to a car ride at 6 am. I mean, really? People would do that? It's more than just hoping in the car-you have a baby to ready, plus gas prices are outrageous. I think it's totally normal to feel stressed with how your ds is responding. Not that it's his fault, but I can see me wigging out a little, too. My kids are all pretty close (first two are 13 months apart) and apparently I got really lucky because I never dealt with any sibling rivalry that bad. But I know people who have gone through it. Is it possible that your ds has sensory issues? My 5 yo can NOT deal with smells or sounds at all, so she is very sensitive to both.

Can you try to involve him in the baby's day to day stuff maybe? Like diaper changes, picking out clothes, playing with toes, etc.? And also, he is just getting used to the idea of a sibling, it will get better! Just give it time and take some deep breaths.









JamieCatheryn has some good advice.


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## Anandamama (Aug 29, 2007)

I could see that behavior making me very mad and frustrated. I don't think you need to have PPD for that response to happen (not to say that it's not a possiblity, but your response doesn't sound abnormal to me at all). And just because your child's behavior is normal doesn't mean you can't and won't get mad.
Lots of good suggestions here. One thing that might help is to express empathy both towards your son and yourself. You can say things to him like, "You seem very upset right now. Would you like for me to give you my attention instead of the baby? You'd like to have mommy all for yourself?" It may sound like you're encouraging his behavior but actually you're just taking time to try to understand him and reflect his feelings back to him and he will appreciate that (even at his young age). "I know you need my attention. I want you to be happy and to feel cared for. I'm going to tend to the baby and as soon as I'm done I want to hold you and read to you for a few minutes." Or if you can, give him a big hug and a smile even as he rages and tell him how much you love him. Even if he expresses negative things directly toward the baby don't try to stifle his feelings but let him know you hear him and love him even with the negative feelings. When he feels heard and understood and assured of your love the anxiety and anger he feels will start to dissolve.
And don't forget to give empathy to yourself. When you feel you're at the end of your rope take a deep breath and acknowledge how you feel and how hard it is right now. And hopefully you have some friends who can offer you sympathy, understanding and a non-judgemental ear.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

My first reaction to this post was, "Your 20mo asks for car rides!?"









I think you may be expecting a little too much from your 20 month old. Toddlers that age who don't have younger siblings act like that, too.

We ALL sometimes feel like hitting or yelling at our kids, and on really bad days even the best and most well adjusted AP moms will do one or the other because we are all human! I find the best way to deal with those feelings is to remove myself from the situation until I calm down, and then explain to my LO how I am feeling. Even if they are too little to understand it helps to talk it out.

Also a 20 month old might learn a lot from pretend play. Have you thought about giving him a doll and some doll toys (they make doll sized diapers and slings) so that he can mimic you?


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

On another note, I completely disagree with the spouse analogy because if your husband brought home a new wife I sincerely doubt that she would immediately love you. However, that new baby LOVES every single member of the family they were born into, including older brother. Try to show that love to your toddler. When newborn opens their eyes say, "Oh, look, s/he is trying to see you! One day s/he will be able to see you, then she will be able to touch you and hug you, and soon she'll be able to play with you!"

If you have the attitude that this new baby is going to be a burden on him and take the attention away from him, then he will pick up on that attitude and react accordingly.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

My second child is 20 months at the moment, and the mere thought of bringing home a newborn right now almost sends me into a panic, so I feel for you. I think your older baby is acting perfectly normal to be honest, and I think the new wife analogy is right on. Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband's new wife loved me







. He's mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! And I suspect that's how your oldest is feeling.

I agree the best thing you can do is give your oldest as much attention as possible and say yes as much as you can. Maybe if he asks for a 6am ride, you could all just pile in the car in your jammies and go for some drive thru coffee and maybe some breakfast. Not that you have to, but maybe keep an open mind about things. If you have help one day from friends or family, have them hold the baby while you play or cuddle with your oldest. I know once they start walking and talking its easy to start thinking of them as older than they really are. But 20 months is still a baby.

It will get better. Once my youngest got mobile and could play, things got pretty fun around here.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I feel for you! I have days like that with my toddler, and he's an ONLY!









When we were starting to consider when/whether to give DS a sibling, I came on here and read as many threads about this as I could find. One piece of advice kept repeating... Not only make time to have "special" one-on-one time with your older child, but make sure you also respond to the older child's demands first. The logic was that the newborn won't remember that you let him wait while you tended to his older brother. But the toddler will, and will resent the younger for it. They weren't saying to ignore your baby's needs, but that by the time the baby is old enough to realize that the delay is due to the other kid, they'll both be used to each other and it won't be a problem to make your older wait a bit this time and then have the younger wait a bit the next time...

Also, is there a way he can "help" with the baby? Like when the baby cries and needs a change, when your son shrieks, tell him you need him to stay calm b/c you need his help. Then ask him to hold the clean diaper for you, or get the wipes, or "stand right here to make sure the baby stays on the changing mat" or whatever). Same thing with anytime the baby cries. "Oh, he's crying for his blanket... Could you get it/help me find it so the baby can nurse?" Maybe if he feels like he's part of things and really helping, he'll be more excited and less freaked out when the baby cries.

I know it's hard to think about being alone with the toddler when he's been so demanding and difficult (all that freaking out would definitely freak ME out!), but I do think that will help him feel more secure in his place in the family.


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## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

We're having a tough time with the transition too. A friend sent me these links, and the info really helped put things into perspective:

http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/f...s-the-baby.cfm

http://www.pregnancy.org/question/at...ost-4-year-old


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## Plarka (Jul 1, 2008)

It's very common and normal to feel that way!!! I felt so much better about it when I read this book called 'Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush:

http://www.amazon.com/Three-Shoes-On...6544583&sr=8-2

Even if you can find time to read 2 or 3 pages it will make you feel better!

Now after about 3 months, my older daughter (2.5) is not so bad anymore.


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## creillysheehan (Oct 21, 2009)

My two are 18 months apart, with Baby G now 8 months. I was really worried about how things would go at the beginning and some of the helpful advice I got was: When I'm nursing Baby G, Sweetie B can have his own baby to nurse (he LOVES burping his own baby doll). When I'm nursing Baby G, provide a special quiet activity for Sweetie B, and promise to do something special *just with him* afterwards--turns out, Sweetie B's favorite thing to do when Baby G nurses is to read books. So we all sit on the couch together and nurse and read. When Baby G is done, I set her on the floor and Sweetie B climbs into my lap. Does your toddler like playgrounds? Take him to a playground to get some energy out, while carting around the new one in a sling (I go down slides like this!).
As someone else suggested, having your toddler help with things can be nice for him--Sweetie B loves getting out a diaper for Baby G when she's getting changed.
The best things for me are the reading and having a spot to pop Baby G (sling, bouncy chair) while I'm doing fun stuff with Sweetie B. It's hard. It's really really hard. But you can do it! Make sure you get out, talk to people, find a counselor (so helpful! I get a sitter for Sweetie B and bring Baby G along), take it one day at a time.
Good luck!


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm pretty terrified of this happening. I think it sounds very reasonable that you are at the end of your rope. No judgment here.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

My son was 2 1/2 when my daughter was born, and it was the first time I had ever felt anger towards him, or found myself raising my voice (when he tried to hit his baby sister with a toy). Your son is even younger than that, and absolutely, it's normal for him to not be able to understand why he is no longer the ONLY center of your universe.

I do remember that my son was extremely empathetic, even earlier than 20 months of age, and when we were in a store, if another baby would cry anywhere else in the store, he would start freaking out and cry, too. He would be frantic, wondering why the baby's mother wasn't taking care of the baby so the baby wouldn't cry.

Is it possible that your son is getting so agitated by your infant's distress because of empathy, yet the only way he can figure out how to respond to it is to act out?

It's so hard when we are extremely sleep deprived and being pulled a ton of different ways (toddler, baby, husband, house, chores, whatever else) to respond with patience and calm at all times. I think it's very interesting that so many recognize PPD in what you say, and I think that's definitely something for you to look into (there are PPD tests online), because I am thinking that those who suggested PPD are saying it because they recognize their past behavior in what you wrote.

Best wishes & hugs!


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## littlebabydoll (May 15, 2008)

I feel truly sorry for the 20 month old. I have a 19 month old and he requires as much attention as a newborn, really. He needs to be taught so many things in the world.. how to interact with people, talking, emotions, concepts such as numbers and colors, relationships, good and bad. There is SO MUCH on a toddlers plate and to have someone suddenly such all of mommy's attention away sounds like complete fear, maybe the worst thing on earth to him!

My suggestion is talk, talk, talk to the toddler. Tell him about the baby, why it cries, how you are taking care of the baby, how you love the baby, how you did all these things for them too. Give them love and patience. When you need time with your newborn, try to have dad, grand parents or friends step in to help with the toddler. This seems like a good age to form new relationships with people other than mommy.

Also, I think it's about changing expectations... ofcourse the toddler is going to act horribly and will for maybe even a year or more. They are still a toddler and will be for a long while!

Your a brave woman for having a second. I'm hoping to wait till my first is at least 4, if not later! I want to add... it seems normal to me to that you are frusterated too! Having ONE newborn, none the less a second child is HARD. Patience is the best remedy. Hang in there. Life with children just ain't easy!


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## bubbamummy (Feb 25, 2009)

s we've just been 'there'. My toddler did NOT do well when we bought his sister home. My suggestions (may have already been mentioned) are do things just for him, like it used to be. When we 1st bought Molly home I would still do his bath/bed routine as that is what had been happening all along. Even though I was super tired and sore (c-section) I handed DH the baby for 20 minutes and just went to be with him and play/read stories/put him to bed. I made sure I gave him lots of kisses and hugs etc even though, to be honest I really just wanted to lay down and be with the baby







I also made sure DH took him out to do 'man stuff'







like a trip to 'Lowes'







I would really make it into a huge thing like 'wow...you get to go with Daddy to Lowes while poor Molly and Mummy have to stay home! wow..you're so lucky etc etc' seemed to work pretty well. I also called Molly 'his baby' which also seemed to help.

It doesnt last long, Molly is almost 3 months now and he absolutely adores her. If she isnt in the room he says 'oh no, where's Molly' ?he kisses her constantly too!


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## lkmiscnet (Jan 12, 2009)

It sounds like he really needs some daily quality one on one time with you, so that he knows he hasn't been displaced by his new sibling. Try to do things that are "special" and let him know it is just for him or give him a special toy, just something to let him know that he is still special.

You could also try to involve him in the care of the new baby so that he feels he has some control/involvement.

Here are a few links I found with some helpful suggestions:

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?...&content=69770

http://babyparenting.about.com/od/tr...f/jealousy.htm

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articl...aby-came-home/

I just googled "todder jealous of new baby" and lots of helpful links came up. Sibling rivalry is another good one to google. This is an age old problem and there are also many books on the topic. You will likely find one at your local library too.

Best of luck and hugs to you.


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## azzeps (Sep 7, 2007)

No advice, just hang in there, mama! I think when my daughter was 20 months was when she really started driving me nuts in a lot of ways. I can't even imagine having a newborn too! GAH! You are a trooper! If you can get some help from friends or family, that might help too! Take care! Remember, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then assist your children.


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## MamaPhD (Jul 30, 2009)

I so feel for you! DD is 19 month and I am 7 weeks pregnant and sick as a dog. Hang in there! I am trying to read as much as I can about sibling stuff now when I do have the mental presence for reading. Me, my sister, and bro are all exactly 2 years apart and my mom swears there was NO rivalry EVER - do I believe her? Not really! Back to more reading.

One thing I want to say is that my DD is unbelievably great at reading my emotions and mirroring them. So I always have to put on a brave happy face, otherwise she gets super worried for me or cries for me, etc. So you & your toddler might be feeding each other emotions without knowing. Sometimes it really does help to pretend and fake yourself out on the outside and then it helps you inside. Like, baby starts crying, you say "Woohoo, baby time! Super mommy to the rescue, dun dun dah! Let's go and help!" then your toddler might have a different reaction than if you just frown and be quiet to brace yourself for what's to come. Sounds silly but works!!! Don't forget your cape!


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