# Humilation/Embarrasement as a stage of grief?



## Autumn C. (Jul 30, 2008)

First off, let me say I know this makes no actual sense to be humiliated by my ongoing fertility problems (3 years TTC, bedrest from 21 weeks, delivered healthy baby at 34 weeks then 18 mo. TTC baby born/died at 19 weeks and 5 days) but I am.

I totally am.

I am just sick of this being my legacy. This is what people talk about when my name comes up. I want to be succesful at something. I want to take for granted the ability to browse the store for baby products when I'm 8 months pregnant.

I know this makes no sense.

Today I told dh that maybe I didn't want to try for another. I have no idea if that's actually true or not. I just can't take any more failures.

Does any one understand this?Anyone?


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## HeatherKae (Jun 4, 2006)

I totally get this. OMG. And I thought I was the only one.

I'm having my second miscarriage for 2009 (3rd total with 3 healthy, beautiful children).

Everyone feels so damn sorry for me. My aunt said, "All the girls at work feel so bad for you, too."

It's defining me. And I hate that.

One thing I keep telling my husband is "This is a lousy way to go out of the game." Maybe not the best reason for trying again, but I hate the thought that my last acts of fertility were failures.

I'm heartbroken, humiliated, tired, and old. When I got pg last January, we weren't trying. It was a shocker. Then when we lost the pg (blighted ovum), we were saddened, but my husband didn't really want to try again.

He left for a 6 mos tour in Afghanistan and when he came back, careless reuniting resulted in this pg. A heartbeat at 7 weeks. All things normal and healthy. Then the baby died at 10 weeks and the pity is rolling in.

My cousin even said, "[My youngest] must have broken your uterus."

Quite the legacy.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I don't know if it's a stage of grief per say, but I think it's very normal.

One of my husband's "friends" told him that maybe we shouldn't have any more kids since we have so many "problems" (daughter with cerebral palsy, ectopic pregnancy, unexplained 2nd trimester loss). It pisses me off more than it embarasses me, though.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I don't know that I feel embarassed necessarily, but I definitely feel "marked." Not sure if that makes sense in print--but I feel like I've joined a "club" no one wants to join and I wear a club-membership "badge" when I walk into the room.

I feel for you. It is not fun being the one people talk about in hushed tones or ask "how is she doing?" all the time (like the expectation is, "oh, she spontaneously combusted." What am I supposed to do? I just keep going.)

I have only had one loss. I am semi-petrified to try again for fear that this is the beginning of my recurrent loss "legacy." So, I feel like I do understand where you're coming from, though I use different words to describe the feeling!


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## loveneverfails (Feb 20, 2009)

I am totally feeling the humiliation right now. I'm on my 9th pregnancy, have 4 living children and this pregnancy started as twin. We lost one of our babies probably during my H1N1 case, and I found out about our loss on Friday at my 18 week ultrasound.

I feel absolutely humiliated because I feel like I am defective and broken and like I personally failed at being able to keep both of my babies. I feel like "that woman who can get pregnant but only actually has her babies half of the time."

So, I'm with you. I don't want people to pity me and just think "what a tragic person." If anything, all of my lost children deserve more than just pity because their lives had value.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Broken. That's how it feels.

Devastated to have birthed dead twins. Something that could never be replaced, and would have been SO welcome.

Some people tell me to "just have another"...very few say that...I have five boys. But...some people....seem to think another would replace what I lost.

I can see that another child would bring light and joy of it's own. I can also see that the tiny footprints in my living room will always have a place. I wouldn't take them down...never. ever. There is no replacing them.

Other people think I should never have another, and am stupid for using a diaphragm instead of having my tubes tied. I tend to be fertile. I know a diaphragm is pretty wimpy control for someone like me. And I'm not ready to think about the maybe's and the what if's. I am terrified of being pregnant.
Terrified of going through another nightmare, if not the same, then another type of universal suffering. I'm sure there are plenty of versions out there for God or whatever to lay on a person. I know I've seen a fair amount already.

Embarrassed. sad... defective.... People used to laugh that I was a birth goddess as I taught childbirth classes with a nursling or two in arms with a smile of confidence. I didn't have any idea that death was truly so close to birth.

Now I know.

and I am afraid...and anything BUT a goddess.

I don't like to be around other people...because I don't want to cry or have an anxiety attack. I know there are whispers. I know people shake their heads..."It's too bad...she had so much potential...but look at her now...sigh"

a mess.

a weeping wreck depending on a fluffy puppy to make it through the day. every day.

sigh.


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## NoraFlood (Dec 21, 2008)

Oh God, I have been feeling this too. I feel so defective and _ashamed_ of being defective. I have had terrible (and yes, "terrible" is exactly the word for it), all-consuming baby fever for years; I have read more about pregnancy and childbirth and parenting than anyone I have ever met; I have an awesome nursery all ready and waiting; I have literally _one_ goal in my life right now, and that is to be a mother. And for what? A chemical pregnancy and a devastating second-trimester loss. I feel so embarrassed, like I have devoted all my time and energy for so long to preparing for motherhood, and I just can't do what everyone else is able to do. And I'm ashamed of it. I don't want people to have to be gentle with me anymore.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Embarassment is a stage that I think I'm still working through. I didn't know something was wrong with my baby while she was in me, I see that as a total failure on my part and embarassing to me as a parent. Of course, there was no way I could know. I know that. But still, the embarassment is a part of me.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 

Embarrassed. sad... defective.... People used to laugh that I was a birth goddess as I taught childbirth classes with a nursling or two in arms with a smile of confidence. I didn't have any idea that death was truly so close to birth.

Now I know.

and I am afraid...and anything BUT a goddess.


You write beautifully. It really touches the heart (of the issue and of the person).

I teach childbirth classes and I'm having a LOT of trouble getting back into the "saddle" after my miscarriage at 14w4d earlier this month. I had three series' scheduled to start in Dec. and I just don't want to do the classes. I'm almost 100% positive that I'm not going to give up birthwork for good--I love it too much--but I need to take some kind of rest and work through this "innocence lost" stage. In the future, I'm already thinking about "pregnancy after loss" birth classes, but, of course, I need to get there myself first--I feel fearful of trying again for fear of this becoming my legacy.

I wrote on my blog about how hard it is for me as a childbirth educator to have become an "oh poor thing!" instead of a source of confidence, empowerment, and support (this is one of many associated losses for me that have come with the loss of my little Noah). Anyway, I identified with your looking back at yourself and your smile of confidence and kind of shaking your head at your own naivety.









(((hugs)))


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Yes. Yes yes yes. I'm a big woman, and I know that some people wonder if my weight has had something to do with loosing Fiona.... (even the autopsy report was saying I lost Fiona due to High Blood Pressure and Pre-E due to Obesity... when I had NEITHER of those conditions).


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
Yes. Yes yes yes. I'm a big woman, and I know that some people wonder if my weight has had something to do with loosing Fiona.... (even the autopsy report was saying I lost Fiona due to High Blood Pressure and Pre-E due to Obesity... when I had NEITHER of those conditions).

I totally understand this. We were planning a homebirth with Duncan and when we went in for confirmation I looked huge and I'm on the fluffy side. I had excessive amniotic fluid and that sometimes points to uncontrolled maternal diabetes. When the OB on duty did the ultrasound he noted the severe polyhydramnios I had, which we knew about and then dared to say my placenta looked calcified. The first thing he said when I asked why it would be calcified at almost 35 weeks was, maternal diabetes. Ahh, yes, I'm plus size so I *must* have glucose problems and that must have contributed to his death. He had piss poor bedside manners. I'm pretty sure my homebirth plans didn't make it better. He probably thought my midwife missed something huge and how that's proof homebirth midwives are incompetent.

His shift was over when I actually had him. The doctor on duty when Duncan was born looked over the placenta and said it was perfect. When the pathology report revealed he had Down Syndrome, which I had a gut feeling he had when I saw him and knew something was wrong during the last 5 weeks, he was all nice. His whole attitude changed.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

There are times I feel embarrassed to say what happened because I don't want people thinking he was 'damaged goods' and therefore not a significant loss. I usually just say he had severe heart problems, which was the case. I leave out the Ds part. I don't want strangers marginalizing my loss because he had an extra chromosome.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I think people like to put us in a special category in their mind because it makes them feel safer, like it could never happen to them. "It won't happen to me because I'm not like them."


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
I think people like to put us in a special category in their mind because it makes them feel safer, like it could never happen to them. "It won't happen to me because I'm not like them."

Yes! The "friend" I referred to earlier actually told my husband that HE would never have a kid with cerebral palsy, because he would do whatever he had to to prevent it. As if we did something to cause it or could have prevented it (she had a massive prenatal stroke, wtf was I supposed to do about that?)


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## blondiechrissy (Nov 24, 2009)

I suffered 2 miscarriages, one very early and 1 early 2nd trimester. During this time I was working in a pediatrics clinic. One day I went to work in maternity clothes, and 14 days later I was back at work in regular clothes. And everyone I worked with was pregnant. Now, I had a child already and almost all of them were pregnant with their first, but I felt embarrassed. Because of 5 women, I was the only one who couldn't seem to hold a baby in. Let me tell you it did not help that every day like 5 newborns came in to get their first check-up. It took me a little bit.... I would do my job and then go into our break room and cry. The worst part was no one wanting to talk to me or bring it up.

It was like the "water water everywhere but not a drop to drink" except "babies babies every where but not a one for me"

We are expecting again after other fertility problems, but I've felt very detached the entire pregnancy, like I'm preparing for something to still go very wrong, and the terrifiying thought that even though I'm 8 months... it still could, and this precious life that I am carrying could slip through my fingers like water.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Yes. I feel terribly ashamed - particularly that about the way labour and birth has worked for me. My first two children were born by emergency section, due to fetal distress and then Emma was a VBA2C - a completely healthy baby killed by doing something that millions of women do without problem. Why can't I birth my babies beautifully and alive, like other women do? I feel sad and ashamed and defective and I know that I'm going to have a lot of issues to work through when (if?? I don't even take getting that far for granted now) my current baby is born by planned section in January. Oh - and I had a miscarriage prior to Emma too - stupid, stupid body.

One of my birth affirmations when I was labouring with Emma was a verse from Psalms "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". I feel sick reading that now - I've come pretty close to scribbling it out of my Bible because it feels like a total lie to me. I *SO* understand this emotion.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh Jill!







I can't relate to feeling like my body failed during birthing, but what a horrible thing to feel, especially with your wee one coming in January. I'm sorry I don't know where I read information about this, but I have read a few posts/articles about women who make their planned sections as much about what they wanted as possible... I don't know if that would help at all (well with the my body doesn't work right maybe not so much) but I thought of it when I read your post.

Your body is fearfully and wonderfully made mama! You grow babies! Even if they just don't quite come out right because something in the birthing process goes/went wrong. I'm sure that doesn't help much right now, but all of us mamas are amazing! For however short or long of a time we nurtured and grew *life* inside of us.


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## someonenamedleah (Jul 23, 2009)

I rarely post here, but I couldn't not respond...

We lost our son at 40 weeks due to a cord accident. I had a miscarriage a month before i conceived him. We spent about a year and a half trying to get pregnant...

yes, I feel terribly ashamed and completely let down by my body and medicine and the faith that I had in my own decision making skills. DH and I are both medical professionals and we chose to have as low intervention as possible pg with an OB, if that makes sense. Anyhow, I read everything, did Hypnobabies, bradley classes, brewer diet, worked, exercised... I did everything absolutely "right" and had a lovely pregnancy...

But at 38 weeks, my OB offered to induce me and I, of course refused. And two weeks later my baby died. If I had just did "what everyone else does" and taken the damn induction, with the fricking pitocin and the fricking spinal our baby would be here now.

I hate being the lady whose baby died, you know. I feel marked. I hate people feeling sorry for me and looking on me with pity and a sort of "what's wrong with her?" look.

Anyhow, it sucks.


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## Autumn C. (Jul 30, 2008)

Wow.

I really thought I was half-nutsy when I posted that. I thought no one would get it. I thought I'd get a bunch of posts saying how it wasn't my fault and a person can't be embarrassed over something that they didn't actually do.

Thank God this board is here. Thank you thank you thank you to the ladies who posted.

This is a whole new level of craziness. I don't know what the heck (not really the word I want to use) I'm doing, or feeling, or thinking. I'd like to just scream but I simply do. not. have. the. energy.

Thanks for understanding and sharing your hearts.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I'm a reader and read like crazy--pregnancy loss is no exception apparently. I'm on my ninth book about miscarriage/pregnancy loss/neonatal loss since Nov. 7th. Anyway, one of the ones I just got yesterday does actually have a small subsection in it about shame/embarassment as a typical post-pregnancy-loss reaction. So, now you've even been validated by the "literature" as well as many other lovely mamas


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Autumn C.* 
This is a whole new level of craziness. I don't know what the heck (not really the word I want to use) I'm doing, or feeling, or thinking. I'd like to just scream but I simply do. not. have. the. energy.

If you do get the energy I find being alone in my car is a *great* place to scream.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I need to scream. Haven't done it yet, keep thinking about it. Doesn't feel like something to make a "date" for, but maybe I should. I want to scream MY BABY DIED and then I want to wail. Loudly. Not just regular crying.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Yup, I know that feeling Molly. I knew I needed it, but to plan for it? So odd. It just sorta happened one day, alone in the car.


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## NoraFlood (Dec 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blondiechrissy* 
One day I went to work in maternity clothes, and 14 days later I was back at work in regular clothes.

I just noticed this from an earlier post. I found this in particular soooo much more embarrassing than I would have expected. When I lost Basia I was 19 weeks and I was starting to get the cutest belly, and I was all about the maternity clothes. I am pretty sure that a lot of people that I never told directly were starting to realize that I was pregnant. Coming back with no belly (it's _amazing_ how fast it went away) and wearing regular clothes feels so strange and as I walk through the halls I always wonder whether people have noticed that I don't look pregnant anymore. Probably not that many people actually have, but I still feel so self-conscious about it.


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