# 2 year old hurting baby and pushing younger children!!



## AveryLauren's_mama (Jul 28, 2004)

I cannot get over this issue and I have NO idea how to properly deal with it. I also can't figure what the underlying issues are that are causing this behavior!!

Issue #1... My daughter has recently started hurting my 5 month old son. I assume her behavior is caused from jealousy. So, I firmly tell her that we do NOT hit (or bite, or pinch) in our family. She usually says, "Why?" And I say that "it hurts and we do not hurt in our family." I have continually told her to use her words and tell me what she is feeling. I have told her that people are not for hitting and given her other ways to release her frustration, anger, jealousy, etc... (like hitting this big, stuffed cow chair). I have validated her feelings. I try to give her as much 1:1 time as I can with a baby that also needs me! I do not trust her alone (or even when I'm right there) with him for even a minute. Even when she is happily playing or I am giving her lots of attention, she will just turn around and randomly hurt him. I'm getting much faster at catching her before she does it, though.

Issue #2... She has started to push my friend's son, who is 14 months. He just started walking. The kids will be playing just fine and then she just walks over to him and pushes him down. I feel like it's a power thing (I'm bigger than you") sort of thing. I explain over and over that he is our friend and that we do not hurt our friends. I explain that if she pushes him again, that she will need to take a break from playing or that our friends will have to leave. Fortunately, my friend is very understanding and knows that I am trying to deal with the issue.

I have scanned my discipline books about both of these issues and I just don't know what to do. It is so upsetting when she hurts her brother and children younger than her. Anyone have any advice for me???









Kim


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

It is pretty common for toddlers to start pushing younger ones when the younger ones get more mobile. I would try to minimize your 5 m.o. being in reach of your toddler by keeping him in a sling when possible. I would also stop talking and explaining so much. You've already said all the words, so instead of repeating them, I would just take action. Pick her up and go home or to another room if she pushes someone at a playdate. Keep anticipating and preventing hitting when you can. If she succeeds in hitting the baby, concentrate on making the baby feel better (give comfort to the hurt child, not attention to the hitter). And, of course, give her as much positive attention as possible at other times. Good luck!


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## HunnyBunnyMummy (Apr 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AveryLauren's_mama*
The kids will be playing just fine and then she just walks over to him and pushes him down. I feel like it's a power thing (I'm bigger than you") sort of thing.

I just finished reading Playful Parenting, and think it is brilliant. Anyway, one of the suggestions that Lawrence Cohen has is to have a play session with the child where they get to push you around--you play the unstable toddler, and fall down at every push. This way the child gets to work out the dynamics of being bigger and stronger, in a safe way. I agree with you and Cohen that toddlers are trying to come to grips with their own power, especially in relation to others power/strength. (Afterall, for most of their life, they've been "bullied," perhaps from their perspective, by people who are stronger.) You'd have to read the whole book to get the full picture of what Cohen thinks this sort of playful parenting can do, but it's worth a shot.


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## AveryLauren's_mama (Jul 28, 2004)

I'm actually reading Playful Parenting right now! (I have too many books right now and I just need to sit down and FINISH the ones I've started) I love the whole philosophy of PP, but sometimes I feel like it's hard to implement. For example, I have found it VERY helpful in certain situations, like leaving the park or a playdate. Making a game out of leaving and racing to the car... things like that. But, there are other things that I don't think are appropriate to make "playful", such as serious things like hurting others. I hadn't thought about playing the younger toddler with her, though. I would hope that doing that would help her deal with her own thoughts/feelings about power/powerlessness and not have the opposite effect... communicating that it's O.K. to push down younger kids!! *Sigh* It's really frustrating to see my otherwise sweet (yet strongwilled) child acting this way!

Kim


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## HunnyBunnyMummy (Apr 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AveryLauren's_mama*
I would hope that doing that would help her deal with her own thoughts/feelings about power/powerlessness and not have the opposite effect... communicating that it's O.K. to push down younger kids!!!

You know, I've had this same concern myself! And my baby is too young for me to test it out on. I guess, though, that if the child keeps hearing the consistent message that they need to be kind and gentle with others, they'll be able to differentiate between playing being mean with adults and being nice with other kids. (Especially if they don't try to hurt the adults, but still get the chance to push them around.) But that would probably be a discussion for another thread!

Hope you get more advice from the wise mamas around here!


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