# why do people think its 'bad'?!?!



## rainbowfairymomma (Mar 31, 2004)

I spoke with a woman this morning at church and i'm just







by her comment.
The first thing she said to me was that I look really tired... I am a little but what do you expect with children?! :LOL
anyway we got to talking and somehow I mentioned DS2 (3 months) sleeping with me. and she was horrified!







: like I was a bad mother or something. She said 'you HAVE to get him OUT NOW!'






















I am not a very confident person and never know what to say to people...
anyway I ended up saying that it was ok and I liked sleeping with him...

All I could think of was I wonder what she would think if she knew DS1 was still in our room (he's 3) :LOL :LOL but WHY do people think its so bad?!?!

Anyway what do you say to people?! I felt like she thought I was a bad mother because of it


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## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

I dont wanna get all steriotypical but i think that certain types of people view it as a sexual thing to share your bed, And others just see it as the mother being lazy.
I have enjoyed co sleeping. my 9 yr old slept next to me until she was 6 or 7 and still does at times and she is very welcome to. I now co sleep with my 1 yr old and have been since her birth.
I wish that there were more people with open minds in the world.
You just say to them that its something that your family believes in and works for you as a family unit. and if they cannot deal with it then they are not worth your time.


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## Rox5266 (Nov 26, 2004)

I agree with the pp. Also, you are not a bad mother, and people all over the world still sleep with their babies/children - and it is considered normal, and the kids are normal. It is only in the west, especially in the USA that people gasp and look at you like you are crazy for co-sleeping. What I always get from people is, "You better get him out soon or he will never leave your bed."







: Yeah, like my son won't leave my bed until he goes to college or gets married - I want to tell them, "PLEASE, get real!"

Roxanne
Daniel 8/9/03


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## Avena (May 27, 2005)

It's obvious she is uneducated!

other cultures....Do ya think they put their babes in a crib in another room,uh NO! You are doing what tradtional mothers on this earth have been doing for centuries and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all!

Also by co-sleeping you are reducing the rate of SIDS and taking better care for your babe by being right there! Not to mention all the other benefits .

And how about other mammals, do you think they stick their babies in another den..Hardly!

This lady is probably offened by bf'ing a baby too!

You are doing something very natural...Try not to let these types get to you!
You have our support!


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## mother nurture (Oct 13, 2004)

People can be so hurtful at times and not even know it! I'm sorry that the woman's comments made you feel like you were a bad mother. You are not!

Nothing bothers me more than when people criticize my choices as a mother, including co-sleeping. I don't understand why almost each and every time someone finds out that we co-sleep their first reaction is..."Oh, you need to get her out of that bed now! Or you'll NEVER get her out!" Like the pp said-she's not going to be there in college







: IMO, most of the people that have reacted this way to co-sleeping have spoke freely about how I "need" to go to work, become seperate from my dd, stop nursing, put her in her own room, etc. So, I think that they see co-sleeping as a "BAD" thing b/c of the dependency. But, who can blame them when everything around them tells them to leave their children and make them independent before they are even born! (I won't get started on that, though







) I usually just say..."well it really works for us right now."

Just an FYI-the other day my sister got on my case about co-sleeping w/ dd. Instead of arguing w/ her I just said, "well, we like it and it works for us. Plus, it's great since we're still breastfeeding." Her reply..."You and your breastfeeding. If you're still nursing that child when she is 3, you have MAJOR issues!" In that case I just walked away. Not worth the time!


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

not sure why people insist on being so negative about it. I've gotten the "Better break that habit now! He'll never get out of your bed" and "My oldest slept with us for 4 years, thats why there is such a gap between son and daughter" ummm...okay, last I checked we don't live in a 1 room house... no advice really. You're not a bad mother, you are a wonderful mother for listening to your own instincts and not going with what those so-called "experts" say. Cross your fingers and say a prayer, maybe in 40 years we'll think crib-sleepers are weird?


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## m0mto3 (Jun 2, 2005)

you are a great mama who is raising a child that will feel loved, be independent and know that he can come to you with any problem or anything he wants to discuss. I cosleep with my baby.. although he starts in his crib (next to our bed) until I come to bed, did it with DD and she knows she's still welcome in our bed or welcome to ask one of us to come sleep in her bed with her (DH isn't thrilled about it, but I really enjoy it) and DS1 comes to our bed at some point every night. Some mornings I wake up with all 5 of us in bed... good thing we don't have a dog cuz when we did he slept there too... :LOL
it's normal and natural...NOT cosleeping is wierd... just our society is screwed up is all.

keep on going mama... you're doing great!


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## fire_lady (Aug 24, 2005)

Honestly Im shoked when people reacted that way.








I dont think there is something wrong about it. Im still sleeping with my mom until I reach my teen years and my ds is 2 yo and still sleeping with me. Actually I think we are wonderfull moms allowing our child to sleep with us. We are giving our child that feeling of security and making them feel how much we love them.


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## sally Z (Aug 7, 2005)

I have a friend here in South Africa and she is so sick of people saying "what you co-sleep!" that she has started saying "what you DON'T co-sleep!"
It is hard though. Just remember it does not matter what they think, you know you are doing the best for your baby.


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sally Z*
I have a friend here in South Africa and she is so sick of people saying "what you co-sleep!" that she has started saying "what you DON'T co-sleep!"
It is hard though. Just remember it does not matter what they think, you know you are doing the best for your baby.


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## mother nurture (Oct 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sally Z*
I have a friend here in South Africa and she is so sick of people saying "what you co-sleep!" that she has started saying "what you DON'T co-sleep!"

:LOL Don't know why I find that funny! It's such a great response. I'm gonna start using that one for everything...bf, co-sleeping, gd, cd, etc.


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

I loved co-sleeping with my kids. I still love having them sleep in our bed but neither of them really do so anymore. (7 & 5). My ds slept with us and I remember looking forward to it with my dd when I was expecting. Sadly, as an infant she always preferred her own sleep space. None of us got ny sleep until I moved her into the cradle next to the bed.

I believe I am the only one of my friends to co-sleep knowingly. I have quite a few who would talk about feeding in the middle of the night and then keeping the baby in bed with them-but they were not co-sleeping. I have one friend who brags proudly about how neither of her kids was ever allowed in their bed, even for a nap. It makes me sad.

You keep on doing what you are doing.


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

I've posted this opinion before but i really think this boils down to the idea that children-even babies-must be independent from day one. I also think it stems from sexist ideas that your husbands needs matter more than the needs of your children and if your kids are in your bed it must be interfering with your romantic life.

I proudly announce our co-sleeping to anyone who will listen b/c most nights we sleep great. If people don't co-sleep I say you don't know what your missing and if people ask me how or when I'll move dd out of our bed I say oh she'll want a big girl bed soon enough....


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## MerelyGod (Apr 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
And others just see it as the mother being lazy.

That's exactly why I started co-sleeping with my first.







:

I've never had a negative comment about co-sleeping, but I think that's because people assume she sleeps in that handy diaper storage/changing thingy we keep attached to the bed. You know the one, Arm's Reach makes it. :LOL

I'm not sure why people are so negative about co-sleeping. Probably because they've never tried it. It makes things SO much easier with an infant. Also, there is SO much negative misinformation out there about it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Avena*
And how about other mammals, do you think they stick their babies in another den..Hardly!

I'm always pointing that out to people too. I mean, have you ever heard "my dog just had puppies, but then she rolled over and smothered them." Hah, I don't think so!


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## Kristine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowfairymomma*
I spoke with a woman this morning at church and i'm just







by her comment.
The first thing she said to me was that I look really tired... I am a little but what do you expect with children?! :LOL
anyway we got to talking and somehow I mentioned DS2 (3 months) sleeping with me. and she was horrified!







: like I was a bad mother or something. She said 'you HAVE to get him OUT NOW!'






















I am not a very confident person and never know what to say to people...
anyway I ended up saying that it was ok and I liked sleeping with him...

All I could think of was I wonder what she would think if she knew DS1 was still in our room (he's 3) :LOL :LOL but WHY do people think its so bad?!?!

Anyway what do you say to people?! I felt like she thought I was a bad mother because of it









What you do is to tell them that 85% of the world co-sleeps and that America is an anomaly. You can point out that in countries such as Japan, most parents co-sleep with their children. You make concrete, factual and statistical statements and then tell them that you are very, very happy co-sleeping and this will nip it in the bud.

However, in the case of this rude woman, I would be rather tempted to tell her it is none of her business and that she should be following the advice of Jesus, especially in a house of worship. I guarantee that would floor her and she would be speechless. The way a woman of her ilk should be to begin with.


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## phaeon (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MerelyGod*
I've never had a negative comment about co-sleeping, but I think that's because people assume she sleeps in that handy diaper storage/changing thingy we keep attached to the bed. You know the one, Arm's Reach makes it. :LOL

:LOL I love that !
We changed to a FP (peds make me nervous) when DD was about 10 mos old. She is a very nice woman, no kids herself but lots of cats. When she found out we cosleep, she shook her head with a little grin and said, "Uh, oh!" I asked what the problem was. Her reply was the usual, "I've heard that once you get them in your bed, you'll never get them out." Something about the way she said it, though, was really disarming and I didn't take any offense (like I usually do!) I just said that it really makes breastfeeding easier- I don't have to wake up, the baby doesn't wake up, daddy doesn't wake up... we all sleep better! Plus, that's the way MOST people do it- just us Westerners think it's weird. She actually thought about it for a minute and then said, "you know, most of my patients have quit nursing by this point. You are right- it makes so much sense!" I was overjoyed! A doctor, actually open-minded and willing to listen to a mama!!!


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## jasperab (Apr 17, 2004)

I was having a conversation at work the other day with my employer and she asked if the little one was sleeping through the night. My little dd is 18 mos and never was a good sleeper like my first so we started co-sleeping. Anyways I said shes sleeping with us and OMG







you'd think I said the sky was falling. "You'll never get her out of your bed! You better stop that now.







" as if she was some sort of parasite or something. I then said that co-sleeping has actually helped her, which is true. She is learning to put herself back to sleep when she wakes up and she is sleeping better, longer and more restful, AND she is learning this at her pace. I told her that for trouble sleepers, co-sleeping is very benefical. She actually stopped to listen. Her sisters ds is 6wks younger then my dd, who tried the CIO Nanny style,
still has to get up several times a night, wander down the hall and try and put her ds to sleep. I told her sister would get more sleep if ds slept with her.


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## dynamohumm6 (Feb 22, 2005)

I always turn the tables on negative responses. I give them a big ol' horrified look and say something like "oh, no, I would *never* make a baby sleep in a room all by herself! What would happen if he stopped breathing or was choking or something? I can't even _imagine_ sticking him somewhere away from me...wow." and maybe a shudder for good measure :LOL
My MIL has brought it up a couple of times, as it being dangerous and how we'll kill him by rolling over on him, and I simply point out my very healthy and alive 6 year old. I think her "fear" is really just a facade for her thinking it's weird, but frankly, I don't care. I tell her babies aren't good at regulating their breathing, and that sleeping with mom teaches them how to do that. I predict many little battles about this as he gets out of infant-hood....luckily she lives 14 hours away :LOL


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## miasmommy (Feb 4, 2005)

Great responses!

Great thread... I always sort of shrugged & replied " well, we always let the cats sleep with us so we decided that they weren't any anymore special than our baby..."

Also let them know it DOES end... our DD sleeps fine all night in her little own bed...she's 18 months now & is always welcome back to our bed when she needs a snuggle...

miasmommy


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## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *miasmommy*
Great thread... I always sort of shrugged & replied " well, we always let the cats sleep with us so we decided that they weren't any anymore special than our baby..."

Absolutley hilarious!! i'm going to have to use that!!

My MIL came to visit when ds was 6 weeks. She walked up the stairs and past our room and asked "Where's his little bed?" "I thought you got a little bed for him in your room?" i tried to politley ignore her so as to avoid confrontation since she had only just arrived, but she just kept asking! so i said "we never used it, he stays in bed with us." she said "still??" i was stunned, he was 6 weeks old, for the love...!!! (she also asked us when we were going to start feeding him rice cereal when he was only 3 weeks,....my answer, NEVER!!!)

i dont understand why our society is so ready to get away from this little creature we wanted and choose to have.


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## Shaunam (Oct 8, 2004)

'cause dontchaknow if the baby is in the bed, you and your man will never have sex again, your relationship will suffer, and you will break up! All because you babied your baby...










That's the biggest thing I think people are concerned about when I tell them we co-sleep. They get this look like, "well, I know YOU aren't getting any boo-tay!" Of course we still do, we just do it on the kitchen table now. Whoops...did I just say that our loud? :LOL

I think people are concerned that the baby will come between mama and daddy.

When I get that horrified look, I just look them in the eye and say, "We CHOOSE to co-sleep. It's good for our nursing relationship and quite cozy too!"


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## Talula Fairie (Jan 7, 2005)

I don't know why people think it's such a big deal to co sleep. I guess a lot of people see the bed as primarily a sexual thing...but when you think about it, pre children how much time did you REALLY spend having sex in the bed vs sleeping, :LOL

A lot of people seem concerned or ask me when my baby is going to sleep in the crib. Well, even if I wanted her to (and some very wiggly nights I do fantasize about sleeping without her) she wouldn't anyway. We call the crib The Crib of Tears becuase she cries crocodile tears whenever placed in there, even if dead asleep! It's now a very expensive laundry storage bin/play pen.

I just tend to ignore people's comments. If they are extremely persistant, I just tell them that where my baby sleeps is a very personal dicision that only my family needs to make.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

: I hate when people are so judgemental. What I don't get is why so many people think that what is right for THEIR CHILDREN is right for ALL CHILDREN. I share my bed, I make all of my DDs organic food, I choose not to vax - but I don't go spouting my choices as the RIGHT choices to all my friends who don't co-sleep, who don't choose organic, and who choose to vax (and especially not strangers!). To each their own, and what works for some, may not work for others. I wish we didn't live in such a MY WAY is the RIGHT WAY society. Open-mindedness is very underrated.

Don't let her rude judgements get you down. YOU know what is best for YOUR children!


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

I always just tell people that it is what works best for us. I enjoy knowing that my children are safe, I can feel and hear them breathing, and don't have to constantly worry about them.


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## zupsamom (Jun 29, 2005)

I think alot of people are just really misinformed! With shows like Dr Phil being so popular and him with his stupid get him outta your bed crap its hard for people who dont do independant research to actually come to a resonable understand of Co SLeeping...

I recently called into a morning program in toronto (bill carol), he was discussing something else but anyways, during the convo it came up that i did not need a nurse or my partner to get up in the night and get the baby for me after my c sec because i CO-Slept. He immediately told me to listen to the experts on this on and to get the baby in its own bed, i said that it not what the experts are saying. He hung up on me and i turned on my radio to hear him say DR PHIL disagrees with it...WTF is dr phil...

sorry...im a little upset..

He then spit out a bunch of bs numbers about how infant mortality rates increase by 75 % when baby is in bed with you....ummm not if you follow proper precautions...

I WISH I NEVER CALLED...which is sad

he hung up on me cause he new i was informed about child development and parenting from our conversation leading up to the co-sleep "issue", he was threatened and took the easy way out of the discussion.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

omg i would have been LIVID if i were you! OMG!!!! i'd have called that f&*%er back and MADE him talk to me! write a letter! call again! have all your friends call! *I'LL* call! being hung up on is one of the rudest things i can imagine. and on air. omg. EVIL!!!


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## rainbowfairymomma (Mar 31, 2004)

THANK YOU MOMMAS!!!!!

























































i came back to see if anyone had replied to this post and there were 25 replys!! You all have been so supportive! THANKS!

I'm going to be more confident with what we do and just tell her how I feel! I think the thing that was the hardest was this sympathetic look she gave me like 'oh you poor momma if only you knew...' it doesn't make it any easier since i'm a young momma and look even younger :LOL :LOL anyway i LOVE my boys and couldn't imagine not sleeping with them!


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## Heidi (Jun 17, 2004)

I agree. I love co-sleeping with our ds and so does he. I look at it as filling a need now so he he does not have it later down the line. I also enjoy my sleep! My mil also throws in these passive aggressive comments. "Aren't you afraid you are going to roll over on to him?"







: Really, it is IMPOSSIBLE for a mother to roll onto her baby. Cosleeping is healthy and beautiful. DH thinks so too.


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## Kdybs (May 28, 2005)

I have had really mixed reactions. A co-worker of mine asked how she slept and I told her that she slept fine but I really didn't wake up too much for nighttime feedings b/c my dd was in bed with us. She said, "that's great! our daughter sleeps with us" (her daughter is 5 or 6). It made me so happy to know that there are people who I know IRL who made the same decision.


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

I have only really gotten the "you'll never get him out of your bed" talks. My friend Kate keeps citing the case of our friend Michelle - her son is almost 3 and sleeps with her in the bed while Daddy sleeps on the couch. The bed is too small for all three. He's not even 3 yet - what's wrong with wanting to snuggle with Mommy at night?

*Side note - Kate is one of those types who if she ever has kids will get an epi the second she gets to the hospital, formula feed from day 1, circumcise, and make the kid CIO in its own room.

DS is almost 8 months old and still snuggles in bed with us at night. He's never slept in his crib longer than the 5 minutes it takes for me to go to the bathroom by myself. I love having his warm little body snuggled up next to me at night.


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## cycle (Nov 18, 2004)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard "you'll never get him out", or "that's dangerous", ""where's his crib".....we would be livin' the high life right now....

The thing that works the best for me and usually shuts people up is "let me get this straight, you want me to put my baby who I have carried for over 9 months, he has never been alone, you want me to put him across the hall in a crib in a cold lonely room, ALL BY HIMSELF, doesn't that seem cruel to you?" or something to that effect. It usually makes them feel like complete idiots because it does sound outrageous and they usually shut up. If they don;t I start throwing all the other stats at them....

I do not get why people think its so wrong either, I guess society has created this myth of the way babies are supposed to be and those of us on this board do not fit into that myth.


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## taosmom (Jul 1, 2004)

So do you ever think these folks are afraid of all us co-sleeping cavewomen?! I swear, I wish I could carry around a crate of 'The Continuum Concept' to hand out the moment I felt a confrontation coming on. I certainly don't keep my mouth shut...but when I do (ha!) I take a moment to consider the fear they're experiencing and how much more compassion I should have because they just don't get how much they've missed or will miss by not being TRULY intimate with their children...oh, and to butcher a quote from 'Rediscovering Birth': 'Is it true that American's put their babies in cages at night?'


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

I've gotten plenty of the "you'll never get him out too", and honestly, it really got to me for a while, probably because I was sort of ambivalent about co-sleeping for a while. I've just gotten to the point of acceptance and enjoyment very recently, and ds is 16 months!

Anyway, a cute thing happened at an auction I was at a month ago ...

I got to talking to this woman with a dd about ds's age and at first she sort of hesitantly asked "does he ... drink...milk? before bed still?" I said "oh, he still nurses a lot, I nurse him to sleep most of the time" A look of relief crossed her face and she said, "Oh! so does she", she whispered. We live in an area where it's rare to see women nursing infants, much less toddlers.

Then she glanced behind her at her in-laws to make sure they weren't listening and whispered again "she sleeps with me" and giggled. I said, "oh yeah, he sleeps with me too." She seemed so happy and vindicated that she wasn't doing something completely weird ...


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

I've gotten that crap a lot and I usually just laught it off and say that it works for us. If they try to tell me I'll never get them out I just say I'm really not worried about that. I've actually gotten to the point that I like getting into coverations about it so that I can maybe teach people about it and DH has too - I find we bring up the topic totally out of thin air sometimes. :LOL


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

[oops


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MerelyGod*
I mean, have you ever heard "my dog just had puppies, but then she rolled over and smothered them." Hah, I don't think so!









:
Okay, I almost choked laughing so hard! :LOL


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:

That's the biggest thing I think people are concerned about when I tell them we co-sleep. They get this look like, "well, I know YOU aren't getting any boo-tay!" Of course we still do, we just do it on the kitchen table now. Whoops...did I just say that our loud? :LOL








:


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## ladybugchild77 (Jun 18, 2004)

to you, Mama! I too, get comments all of the time regarding our wonderful choice to co-sleep and have learned to not really say anything except to those who are supportive. A simple, "she's sleeping great" usually does the trick...


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## craftykitty (Jan 31, 2005)

I think some people don't feel connected enough with their kids to understand. I know that lots of people are freaked out by the dangers or co-sleeping and don't know all the facts.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

Ok, I have to get something off my chest. Please no flaming.

So, for all the crap everyone gets (including me) for co-sleeping, are you all non-judgemental to the other side? By the tone of a lot of your posts (they just aren't that connected to their kids, etc) it seems you are judging them just as much as you are being judged for YOUR choices.

I co-sleep with my DD, I wouldn't have it any other way. But I also do not judge those that DON'T. It's what works for THEIR KIDS. Everyone is different right? I have had some friends that have asked me about co-sleeping, organic food, no vax, etc. I am happy to share all the info I know with them, and have even shared this site with a few to maybe make them see another "view". All of them felt somewhat offended reading some of these posts, because honestly, 50% or more of the ones I read seem very self righteous. Maybe the mainstream would be more open to changing or trying some new things if they felt like their parenting choices were DIFFERENT, but not necessarily WRONG.

I'm really not trying to be negative, I'm just trying to maybe get some of you to see why the mainstream isn't more accepting. Like I said, a lot of my friends are mainstream. I don't preach to them about any of MY choices unless they ask, and they are generally very receptive b/c I'm not making them feel like they have been all wrong all along.

Just an idea


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## jgale (Jan 21, 2003)

When I get the kind of worried/judgemental questions about how long we're planning to have in sleep with us, I just tell people that there are a lot of good colleges in the area so that if he is still in our bed when he's 18, he can just live at home.

It kind of shuts people down. I say the same thing when people ask me how long I'm planning to nurse him.

(BTW if someone is asking out of genuine curiosity or because they are in a similar situation, then I'll give them a real answer/have a real discussion).


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## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

little ladybug - i can definatly see that point. Not necessarily in this thread (i didnt go back to read all the posts) but in MYSELF!! Sometimes i find myself feeling very self righteous b/c i've made "the right chioces"..!!! I do go through stages where i think the other side is _bad_, buth then remember that most moms are simply trying to do the best for thier families that they possibly can,...which incidentially is exactly what we are trying to do!

Thanks for your post!!


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

I try not to be judgmental but it can be hard when I really disagree with someones choices. I also don't see why I have to not judge the people judgeing me all of the time. :LOL In addition to that I feel that often at mothering we are told not to be so judgemental but then aren't you just judgeing us for being judgemental.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

Nanny, if you want to look at it that way (me being judgemental) then that's fine. Though I don't see the basis for that. And you say you're just "judging the people that judge you" - so that means every "mainstream" parent has judged you, if not but a select few? hmm

I was simply trying to get people to see that both "positions/choices" are valid, and that there is no "right" way to parent. The world is hard enough, do mom's really need to make it more difficult by bashing each other's decisions? Like the poster before you said, we are all (well _most_ of us are) just making the choices we feel are right for our particular families and situations. If someone is neglecting their child, beating their child, etc. then that is one thing. But if someone simply doesn't feel that co-sleeping is right for their family, it's another thing to make them feel like "not as good" a parent. I just like the see both sides of the situation on most things. It makes the world an easier place to be.


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

Little Ladybug- I think you misunderstood me. I didn't mean you specifically were judging. I think this is a chronic problem at MDC. While I agree with you that we as mothers should try to build each other up I disagree with the notion that I have to agree with everyone's parenting choice. There are people who make bad choices. For example I disagree with the choice to spank or to formula feed (talking about choice not medical necessity) and with the choice to put a baby in a crib all alone to sleep. Why should I disregard what I beleive to be right just so that no one has to feel bad about there choices? I would never say do you put your baby in a crib and then shun and belittle the person if they said they do but I am also not going to tailor my oppinions around not hurting peoples feelings. If you feel good about what you're doing as a parent and your choices are so great you shouldn't need the validation of those who think differently of you.

I also want to say that I don't think the people the pp was refering to gave co-sleep a long hard look and then decided it wouldn't work for them. They never tried it and then they judged and criticized her for doing it. That is hardly the same as someone who tried it but it just wasn't working for their baby.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

Well then I misunderstood you as well. I certainly don't expect others to _agree_ with every parenting choice another makes, but to simply _ACCEPT_ that there are other choices out there and that neither of of them are necessarily "bad". But I guess that a difference of opinion between you and I, because I believe that whatever a parent feels is right for THEIR child (be it co-sleeping or crib sleeping, vax or no vax, even BF or FF) is the right decision. I don't feel, no matter how strongly I disagree with it for my own family, that I have the right to label anyone as a "bad" parent unless abuse is involved.

Oh, the intent of my regular post was to get more "mainstream" people to understand "our" way of parenting by showing more tolerance on these boards. Because like I said, a few friends of mine were asking me questions and I directed them here for more info. After reading a lot of these posts, they became completely turned off, whereas they were WAY more open to it before coming here. I know this site is set up for "moms like us", so we shouldn't worry about offending the mainstream. And that's fine, I totally get that. But at the same time think if maybe posts were a little more tolerant, that more mommies would join our ranks, and that's what we want right?


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

I didn't label anyone as a bad parent I said the choices were bad.


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

I'm very judgemental. Why wouldn't I be? I have discerning, well-educated, thought-out judgements! The difference between me and most mainstream parents I talk to IRL is that I only share my judgements when asked, and then I try to do it in a gentle way that is open to discussion.

I come to these boards to share support with other parents who receive unwelcome and unsolicited judgements and to vent about the ones I receive. It is my judgement that isolating an infant overnight is cruel and harmful, and it is personally painful to think about and watch take place all around me. I NEED a place to come to where I can say "Isn't it awful?" and be heard by sympathetic ears.

That being said, I also feel that it's counter-productive to judge mainstream parents for their practices. Most parents are trying to do what they think is best most of the time. The older I get, the less inclined I am to blame a person for NOT going against the grain of their culture. It takes energy, knowledge, and a great deal of courage to reject the choices of your friends and family. I'm much more interested in getting creative about how we can affect the wider culture! But I disagree that we need to make MDC more "mainstream-friendly". I think it would weaken the integrity of our values.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

To each their own.

Though you know what's even tougher than being in the minority as far as my AP practices go? Being in the minorioty when it comes to respecting other people's decisions, and being tolerant and open-minded to other peoples choices. Not enough of that today IMO.

Still searching for _that_ message board...


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Little_Ladybug*
To each their own.

Though you know what's even tougher than being in the minority as far as my AP practices go? Being in the minorioty when it comes to respecting other people's decisions, and being tolerant and open-minded to other peoples choices. Not enough of that today IMO.

Still searching for _that_ message board...

You truly do not see what you wrote as judgmental of those being judgemental. To each his own in deed.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

Ok - this is the last time I'm posting in this thread because it's obvious that I'm getting nowhere.

What part of that last post was being judgemental? How is it judgemental for me to accept what another person has already TOLD me? If someone says " It is my judgement that isolating an infant overnight is cruel and harmful, and it is personally painful to think about and watch take place all around me." and I acknowledge this - how am I being judgemental in believing them?!?! I'm not judging them, just listening to what they told me.


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## Little_Ladybug (Aug 10, 2005)

Ok, so having reread over this, I'll admit that you have a point nanny. I can see how I was being a bit judgemental. I apologize for that. I just get so heated sometimes and want so desperately for mothers to support mothers - no matter what decisions they are making (as long as it's not abuse, etc.).

(And I said I was done posting.. :LOL )


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## bncunningham (Jun 15, 2005)

I agree, I love this thread! Especially the horrified response and the "What? you don't ______ (insert radical choices)"

I personally prefer "If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it!"

No seriously, I have heard some great suggestions. But, the thing is...why do we have to explain ourselves? In my experience, the people who react this way will not suddenly change their minds if we just explain our position well enough. I swear I thought if I could prove to my mother that their were actually experts who supported co-sleeping...if I could just get her to read...then she would support me. Well, it didn't happen.

My take on this is that when people hear that you are doing something other than what they did...it's threatening to them. So, instead of feeling for a moment that what they did was not the best way to do it (their own guilt), they must immediately disprove or discredit your choice. The same thing is true with mothers who are not breastfeeding. I'm serious, even complete strangers find it necessary to explain to me why they "couldn't" bf.

What I finally started saying....especially with my mother and mil, was..."I know you don't agree with it...but, this is the decision that we've made." They actually can't argue with that. Any other explanion I gave was opening it up for discussion or debate.

I really appreciate hearing from all of you on this. I laughed out load several times.


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Talula Fairie*
We call the crib The Crib of Tears becuase she cries crocodile tears whenever placed in there, even if dead asleep! It's now a very expensive laundry storage bin/play pen.

So I guess I am not the only one then. It makes a great laundry basket, doesn't it? Tee hee!


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

For the record, we love co-sleeping, and my response to people who say that we will never get her out of our bed is similar to a poster's above --- I say, well gee, I really hope she picks a state college because I really don't want the commute









This statement got to me though---

Quote:

It is my judgement that isolating an infant overnight is *cruel* and harmful
I think you are using the word cruel in the wrong way... CRUEL?? you honestly think it is cruel?? Like, putting cigarettes out on a child's arm is cruel... not feeding them for days....beating them... shall I go on??

Look, I am not advocating crib sleeping, as I said above, we love co=sleeping... and yes, I think it would be damaging to the child if crib sleeping created an environment where the child was distraught every night going to bed, left to cry it out etc... then that is mean and borderlines on cruelty to me -- but to suggest that merely putting a child in a crib is "cruelty" ... I dunno, I guess I think of my nephew (who is a well adjusted 17 year old now)... who went in his crib as happy as a clam and woke up every morning as happy as a clam..... (my brother didn't know about all this stuff then)...

Some people on here are really judgemental of other people's choices I find. I find that there is a lot of self righteousness here sometimes...


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## Naiad (Jul 1, 2005)

We have a beautiful cherry wood 'laundry table'







. MIL keeps asking when ds is going to start sleeping in it (he's 2&1/2).

One of dh's co-workers got really upset when she found out we co-slept. She 'didn't want to hear about it- it causes SIDS'. He tried to explain it to her, but she was just, -la la la la la, I can't hear you. Some people are ingnorant and prefer it that way.


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## mraven721 (Mar 10, 2004)

Please, let's keep this thread on topic and take any personal conversations to PM.
Thank you, Michelle


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## Mama Faery (Apr 19, 2004)

I remember my old boss (I was her two boy's nanny for over a year until I had DS) coming to visit when DS was oh, a month old? Anyway, she got a tour of our house, and when we went upstairs she saw his nursery (which was hardly used at that time!) and I said something like "oh, we hardly go up here right now, DS in in bed with us downstairs"
She looked HORRIFIED, asked me if I had ever heard of Ferber (*boggle*) and when I asked her what she did when her boys were little and she said:
"They didn't have a CHOICE. They slept in their own beds."







:
I kind of murmured something about how this is working for us right now so I see no need to change it...but I was like ACK!

Now, DS is 15 months old...he sleeps in his crib because HE chose to.







I miss him in our bed, but somewhere around 9 months he stopped sleeping there and started squirming, flopping, once he fell OUT! (he was fine, fell on a soft rug but I still freaked out) So we tried all sorts of things, we moved our bedroom upstairs so it was right next to his room, he went from 1/2 the night in the crib, half with us....then one night, he was in the crib the whole night. I was kinda







but then I realized something:
He was doing exactly what was right for him. He's not isolated by any means, he is responded to the moment he makes a peep, he nurses throughout the night, sometimes sleeping in bed with us, sometimes going back to his crib because he SLEEPS BETTER there. He's secure there. It was weird, but every baby is different. And I think sometime in the next few months to a year, he will be asking to come right back into the family bed with us. And we'll welcome him with open arms (and maybe get a King-size bed! :LOL)
Oops, tangent.









But anyway, my thoughts were like yeah, others may be kinda shocked at how we choose to parent, but I think it's great to offer different views on the whole thing, so that even those who think we're nuts to want to sleep in bed with our little ones see that everyone is different, and maybe next time they won't be so judgemental of a co-sleeping family.
Peace.


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