# my baby died- 22.5 weeks



## JenMidwife

: I just want to run back to the hospital to kiss his head one more time, stroke his arm one more time. I want to be pregnant with him again. It hurts so much.









this is my story that I posted in my ddc:
yesterday (3/22) I went in to pre-term labor, went to the hospital, my water broke & our beautiful baby boy was born and died in our arms.









He was 22 weeks & 5 days old & we were very sure of his due date. 24 weeks is a more "solid" date for viability outside the womb, so we decided not to attempt to resuscitate him & to hold him & comfort him instead. We named him Owen and he weighed 1lb 3oz, big for that age (looks like he might have been a big baby, just like his sister, if I had gone to term). He had APGARS of 2, 2, & 0.

We're pretty sure the pre-term labor was caused by the problems I'd been having with the placenta (although things had been looking really reassuring over the last 3 weeks!). My doctor said that the drugs to stop labor are most effective just to buy time to give the baby steriods to develop their lungs a little bit more before birth... to hold off birth for days or maybe a couple of weeks. At this "early" stage, a couple of weeks still wouldn't have bought us enough time. After my water broke, an ultrasound showed that there was just no fluid at all left around the baby. My doc said that even if we could prevent the birth for 10 weeks, that fluid is really vital for lung development & it's likely that a more mature baby would still die.

So really, it was a crappy situation with few options. We are so very, very thankful that we had excellent, sensitive care by every person we came into contact with in the hospital. We got to spend lots & lots & lots of time holding Owen, stroking his soft skin & took some photos. My mom got to hold him & then she went home to spend the night with dd, while dh got to spend the night in my room. The nurses prepared a memory box for us to take home & we will treasure that.

We're so lucky that we have lots of support around us... lots of people who we can talk openly with. Some hard things that I see coming up... in dd's play groups, there are 2 moms who are due to have their 2nd babies any day now. I really like the group & don't want to distance myself from them. There are lots of pregnant women in our cul-de-sac: I was going to be due at the end of July, then a woman in August, another in Sept, & another in Oct. Sigh. It is comforting that there were no complications with the birth & since our problems weren't sure to any medical or genetic condition (that we know of), we shouldn't have trouble having another baby after my body & our spirits heal. My doc has actually recommended waiting 6-12 months to have lots of cycles, just in case this placental thing was related to the fact that I never had a post-partum period after dd.

So here I am... I got home this morning, I'm doing great physically. It is good to be home, so good to see dd, but gosh I miss Owen.







: We're going to go ahead & make our Easter lunch/dinner & dye Easter eggs as planned with dd. I don't want to stay in bed or anything, but I'm sure glad we didn't have big plans for Easter. We'll just keep lots of boxes of tissues around the house.


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## MommaLilac

Hugs, so sorry for your loss, I lost a son at 21 weeks back in 2000 I was devistated its such an emotional loss I had alot of the same feelings you are having, Praying for your peace through the greiving process


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## veganf

I so sorry Jen.








Thinking of you and little baby Owen.


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## Eliseatthebeach

Oh Jen, I am so very sorry about your sweet baby Owen.







My heart is breaking for you.


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## labortrials

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine what you've been through and what you'll continue to face as you grieve.


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## Jannah6

I am so so sorry





















.


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## justmama

Oh mama, I am so incredibly sorry. Words just can't express. . . . . .. . . . . . .







If this is any comfort, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts for healing.


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## Amydoula

I am so so sorry for your loss. We were in the same DDC (well at least the 12 weeks I was in it). I will be thinking of you during this time.


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## Kayda's Mom

JenMidwife:

I am very sorry for you and your family for your loss of Owen.

Hugs


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## Aurora

I am so, so sorry! Rest gently and peacefully sweet Owen.


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## honeybunch2k8

in I'm so sorry for your loss! It's very unfortunate you had to join this sisterhood.


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## fallriverfox

I'm very sorry


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## texaspeach




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## veganmama719

I'm so very sorry Jen. I'm glad that Owen got to have you as his mama though, you sound like a very special person.
I imagine that urge to kiss him and touch him one last time is overwhelming.
You and Owen are in my thoughts.


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## Debstmomy

I am so sorry your son Owen's life was so short. Peace to you & your family during this time. Take your time to heal Mama. Be gentle with yourself.


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## plaidpineapple

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## zoie2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter around the same gestation time, last fall. It is so hard. We're here to listen whenever you need us. Best wishes for a gentle, healing time for you and your family.








Owen


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## NullSet

Jen, I am in your DDC.







I'm so sorry. Owen will be loved and missed forever.

This is wonderful place to find support after losing a baby and in many ways was and is like a second home for me. Everyone here will listen and cry with you.


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## arwenevenstar

Oh Jen, how devastating. I am truly sorry for your family's loss. Be brave mama and take time to grieve.


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## MamabearTo4

Jen, I'm so very sorry for you and your family. I was happy to read that you were able to spend some time with Owen!

You'll be amazed at how our older children can be so comforting and caring during times like these. Love to you and your family - let the world take gentle care of you...









I can't stand it that you're in this tribe, mama...







:


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## WeasleyMum

Jen, I'm _so_ sorry.







Owen


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## Matilda_z

What a strong and wonderful mother you are. Thank you for sharing Owen's story with us. I so sorry for your loss.


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## apmama2myboo

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. please take care of yourself. sounds like you've got a great network of people, so that's really good. i lost my son at 19 1/2 weeks. it really is heartbreaking.


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## KnitLady

I'm so sorry! Sending you and your family many healing thoughts.







:


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## kmamaTX

I'm so very sorry. We lost our little girl at 21 weeks in January...her cord was around her neck. She was our fourth. It's so hard. I mostly lurk around here, but it is comforting to know that others have been where we are and that what we're feeling is normal.


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## 2 in August

I'm so sorry Jen. We will always remember Owen. Thanks for sharing him with us.


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## DreamWeaver

I am so sorry for your loss








Wishing you peace and healing... ...


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## fenix

Jen, my heart aches for you and your family and dear little Owen







. My little niece Annie was lost at right around the same time as your boy. I still miss her terribly. I hope you are able to find some peace and enjoy the time you spent with Owen, however short it was. I hope you are also able to find some comort here among us on this board.


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## chrissy

Jen, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Owen.







:


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## jessicasocean

Jen, may you and your family find peace in this difficult time. I know just how hard it is to see others that are pregnant. My two girlfriends are due in April and May. It is so hard to see them. I am not sure how to be happy for them, and it is a fight that I choose not to give any thought to right now.


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## MamaRabbit

Jen, I am so sorry for your loss







to you and your family.


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## kittywitty




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## taradt

s Jen
I am so sorry you need to join this club, it is one no one wants to be a part of.








Owen


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## jaclyn7

I am so sorry.

Owen and the rest of your family will be in my thoughts.


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## JenMidwife

I keep replaying the last 2 days that I was pregnant over & over in my head... I really don't blame myself or anyone else & logically accept that there was nothing else that could have been done. But someplace, deep inside, I'm having a really hard time accepting that. Sigh...


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## Genesis

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

I'm so sorry mama.


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## amybw

so sorry Jen. My prayers are with you and your family.

We were in the Aug 2006 DDC together.


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## gretasmommy

I am so, so sorry for your loss!







Owen


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## ~Mamaterra~

Jen....

What can I say to take away your pain?
What can I say to fill your empty arms?
What can I say to close the hole in your heart?

Nothing but to give you love and understanding that everything that you are feeling is normal and understandable. Be gentle with yourself. I too was in the July DDC but was the first to leave.

Just know that as the summer sun shines on our skin and kisses the cheeks of our other babies, a ray of sunlight will dance in our hair and in our hearts that was sent from our precious babes. Much Love.


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## mamaverdi

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## nursinmama

I can not even begin to imagine your loss. I'm so sorry mama. Huge







s.


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## Chula13

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. God Bless you and your family,Rest in peace dear Owen.


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## Breathless Wonder

I'm so sorry.


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## annieskry

Oh I feel your pain in the pit of my stomach! I am first of all so sorry for the loss of Owen. Second of all, I too had preterm labor(at 25 weeks) and had a short time with my Benjamin. It felt wonderful to have him in my arms at least once, but it almost makes it harder at times. I always think of a counting crows song I love that says, "the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings". I hope that you begin to feel, as I have, some better feelings about your experience with Owen. And that, you are able to find a good picture of him in your mind to hold onto always. We too watched Ben slip away, and I can understand if you have some difficult images in your head. As I sit here, waiting the 6-12 months as well, I will be praying for your healing physically and spiritually. If you ever need to talk, I am here.


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## ColoradoMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I keep replaying the last 2 days that I was pregnant over & over in my head... I really don't blame myself or anyone else & logically accept that there was nothing else that could have been done. But someplace, deep inside, I'm having a really hard time accepting that. Sigh...

I think that just makes you human.







Babies aren't _supposed_ to die. How the hell are we ever supposed to accept that they do?


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## momz3

I am so sorry hun.


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## happylemon

I am so sorry


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## sparkprincess

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.


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## JenMidwife

thanks so much mamas. I had a really hard day today (for no particular reason). It's nice to come here & feel loved


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## mamallama

Jen, I am so, so sorry.

It's one thing to be a birth worker and make peace with the theory. It's quite another to face the personal reality. I struggled with that integration for a long time. Sometimes I still do.

Much love to you and yours,
Tessa


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## ColoradoMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
thanks so much mamas. I had a really hard day today (for no particular reason). It's nice to come here & feel loved









Me, too. It sucks. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.







I'm thinking of you always.


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## immamama

I am so very sorry for your loss. Precious Owen.









We suffered a loss almost identical to yours, other than my water not breaking but I went into labor after being on meds to stop the contractions for weeks, and they couldn't stop it. Our son, Ethan, was born alive and kicking but sadly only lived and hour and 5 minutes. He fought hard though. He would have been four years old this Jan 28th.







I was also having placental problems. There was a tear in my placenta and the blood was pooling at the bottom of my uterus causing the contractions.









I wish I could give you a really big hug right now. I know how painful it is and burying a child is something NO ONE should ever have to go through. If you need someone to talk to who has been in your shoes please reach out to me. I know words can't help the pain you are feeling right now, but if I can be of any help whatsoever please don't hesitate.

Praying for your and your entire family...

Shan


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## jess_paez

wanted to share my story real quick with you as it seems like we went through some similar things. this is a blog from another website:
After reading a lot of miscarriage stories on a forum I belong to, I decided to tell my full story. I've wrote about how I felt and explained enough to keep people informed, but here's mine. I didn't have a "miscarriage", because I was further along. After 20 weeks it is either a stillbirth or a neonatal death.

It goes wayyy back to when I was 6 weeks pregnant. If you read my blogs. you read the story...Basically had some light spotting, went in to check it out and they found nothing but some dried blood and a heartbeat. We even got to hear it.

Flash forward to our trip to Florida May 28th, the first hard kicks...then when we were visiting Derrick's mom in the nursing home, I went to the bathroom and saw what I believed to be a little of my mucous plug. All clear, maybe a little yellow, stringy, but no blood. My memory is a little vague, but I do remember telling hubby later. But those of you that really know me, know that that I would be like, "Hey Derrick, something nasty came out of me earlier? Hmmm...well, I don't think it's anything to worry about.." I was more curious about it than anything. I wasn't concerned. Not only that, but it does replenish itself.

Then the plane ride home, I was having some wierd pains. But they didn't last long at all. I felt a little contraction/uncomfortable-ness going on. But it still may have not been related to the pregnancy at all.

Next... the night I started having contractions 06.17.08-had to pee reallyyyy bad when we were at the grocery store. Saw more of that mucous stuff. Looked exactly like it did in Jacksonville. I have nooo idea why I looked down at the toilet paper those times. I don't usually have the urge to do that. Anyway....

That night...took a nap at 8 pm with Derrick. Woke him up at 1 am. I asked him if he could feel her. It was odd. I could feel a ball right where she always was. I was thinking it was kind of neat. Then it would go away and come back. But these were NOT regular contractions. That's what baffled me so much. I looked them up online. What I was having was contractions *but* they were more frequent, but not lasting as long as normal contractions last. About every 3 minutes lasting about 7-10 seconds if that. Throughout the night I had these contractions. At 9:30 I was getting ready to do my hair and I had another contraction and kind of grabbed the edge of the sink. Derrick was in the bathroom with me and he heard the large gush and I definitely felt it. No blood at all.

Went to the er right away. We were in the waiting room, waiting for our doctor to come and I was spotting. I wiped and saw meconium. Yes, meconium. Fetal distress. Had little or no amniotic fluid. When the doctor took the instrument out of me I saw the blood also. It wasn't heavy enough to be filling a pad an hour, but it was still there. Some clotting and it was also bright red.

Had an ultrasound, little amniotic fluid, bleeding, and also baby's heartbeat was very high at 260. We had heard it with the doppler earlier at 130 bpm. I was on bed rest for the rest of the night. Bleeding the whole time, yet not enough to be outrageous, but enough to be...the only way I can explain it is...Very Very Sad. Yes, that's how to explain it.







Around 10 the contractions were coming back and they were the same as before. Very frequent, but only lasting around 10 seconds-15 seconds this time. I toughed it out as long as possible, trying to relax with hubby. When all of a sudden a conraction with intense pressure. Derrick had to put all he had into my back with is hands and push...that was the only way I got any sort of relief from the pain. My back hurt sooooo bad.

I had another one, this time I told Derrick to call the nurse now! She was coming out, I knew that she was right there this time. We were transferred to delivery. I had two sweet nurses taking care of me, yet an evil bitch of a doctor. My back was hurting like nothing I had ever felt before. I needed pain medicine. Screw being tough, I was not coming home with a baby. No euphoria to take away my pain here. I said it before and I will say it again. I can and I will have a birth in the future with no pain meds. I would have happily gave birth with 2 or 3 cars running over me, with no medication, but I was in too much sorrow as it was.

They gave me a shot of morphine in my butt cheek. I did not feel that needle at all. Later, Derrick said the needle was so long. I couldn't believe him. My whole body and soul was numb. I gave birth very shortly after they gave me that shot anyhow, so I will never know if it took any of the pain away or not.

I felt like maybe I could push. I think I did it once very lightly. And then the second one, she came out, but she was breech. I had to keep pushing until they were able to get her out. I didn't feel like I was pushing hard at all, but a day later, a wonderful hemmorhoid showed up, so I suppose I was. I didn't bleed much after I had her. The doctor wanted to pull my placenta out. Yeah..NO. I told her to leave it alone and let it come out on its own. With a small tug it came out after a half hour.

We held her for a good while, she was beautiful of course and we felt so let down and lost, because we couldn't take her home. I know that I will see her again and will be so happy when that time comes. Let's just say when I am on my deathbed, I will not be worried about leaving this earth. I just hope I get to spend a long time with my hubby here first.

I felt a sense of release, mixed with grief and so much sorrow. I remember staring out the window and just praying to God, to help me fall asleep. Explaining to him that he and I would be having a little chat later.

Derrick and I had no idea what had happened. The doctor said that I may have an incompetent cervix, but at my follow up appt I reminded him that when he checked my cervix at the hospital it was closed. And I had been having contraction like pains all night and those occur without contractions. Basically your bag of waters just bulges and your cervix is just too weak to hold everything in. We also know it was not premature rupture of membranes (bag of waters), because those occur out of nowhere as well with no uterine contractions.

I know I was not having regular contractions. I bled early on in pregnancy, it wasn't an IC, there was nothing wrong with her development, it wasn't placenta previa (where placenta covers cervix and you need a c-section), the only thing that we can come to is placental abruption.

What is it?
Placental abruption is a condition in which the placenta partially -- and in some cases almost completely -- peels away from the uterine wall before delivery. It can deprive the fetus of oxygen and, in severe cases, cause bleeding in the mother that endangers both her and the baby.

What are the signs & symptoms of placental abruption?
The signs and symptoms of placental abruption include one or more of the following:

Vaginal bleeding (although about 20% of cases will have no bleeding)
Uterine tenderness
Rapid contractions
Abdominal pain
Fetal heart rate abnormalities
We've been reading a lot about it and I especially came to the conclusion as I was on a forum and reading other womens accounts of their fetal deaths. Stories that sounded eerily like mine. All resulted from PA. The contractions are different from actual labor contractions. Most doctors cannot accurately say it was placental abruption. Ultrasounds don't always catch it. And they usually go by your accounts. I/E how the woman feels. I had bad back pain. I asked the nurse, she explained the pain was because the baby was putting so much pressure on my back, I remember thinking, but my baby is only 22 weeks. It's not big enough for that much pain. But back pain is a symptom is PA. We opted not to do an autopsy of the placenta and/or our daughter. A decision I do not regret. We will never be positive as to what the exact reason was, and in most cases none of the women are.

***I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever want to talk I am here!


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## JenMidwife

Thank you Jessica. I'm so sorry for your loss









What is it about 22 weeks? There are quite a few of us here right now who had 22 week losses.


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