# Anyone else WANT to hold babies?



## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

***If you've been through a loss recently and don't want to hear about living children, don't read this post***

Most of the women who've been through a m/c recently (or even not so recently) seem to not want to have anything to do with pg women or babies. I, on the other hand, just want to hold the infants I see.

I just saw a newborn the other day (just under 1 month old-daughter of someone I know). I forgot how tiny they were! She was so sweet and I just had to hold her. Maybe I'm weird, but it doesn't make me feel resentful that it's not my own baby I'm holding or anything like that. I just feel so lucky to be able to hold a life so sweet and precious in my arms. Even if it's not mine and if only for a little while. Maybe I'm wacky, but when I see the babies of family or people I know, holding them seems almost like something I _need_ to do.

Just wondering if anyone else is wacko like me.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

yay! I'm not alone! lol...I posted something like this about a month after losing Alexis and it went un answered and I can truly understand why some would be so hurt at holding babies...but um....I'm so guilty of this. My husband has to pull me away from staring at babies in public (I'm pretty sure I look like a freak)...anyone I KNOW that has babies, I just love to hold them, snuggle up to them. Losing my baby girl didn't make me want to stay away from them. I absolutely love the baby talk, smell, cry....I love it all.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I don't have any children of my own...I wonder if that makes a difference. Because I WANT all children. Yes, hide your own, I want them. Don't care what they look like, how old they are (no adults, please), what they act like...want them. Screaming at the top of their lungs? Still want them.

Nope, I avoid babies and children like the plague. They should be mine.

Okay, I know that's creepy. That's why I'm saying it here, and never out loud.

I LOVE my godson though, and refuse to put him down. All I do is hold that beautiful baby til his parents take him away from me. He's 7 months old, I hope I have several more years to hold him! He is the notable exception to my 'no baby holding' rule. He is his own person to me...not like the 'generic' kids that could be mine. Does that make any sense?


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I don't want to hold anyone else's babies, but I do stare at them. I think it would be too hard for me to hold one right now, I can't even look at the baby section in a store. I understand your need to hold one though, I guess everyone just grieves differently.


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## Lyrelle (Mar 22, 2006)

Me. I spent a good portion of Thanksgiving holding my cousin's baby. Well, not so baby, anymore. Maybe it doesn't hurt as much because he was born before I conceived? At any rate, my arms ache without a baby in them. I'm sure I look like a freak staring at babies and such.

On the other hand, baby sections in stores make me cry. Can't go near them.

One thing I've learned: grief makes no sense.


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

Yeah - it's strange. Baby sections in stores make me sad too. It's very difficult to be there. I've had to go to baby sections for a couple of reasons recently. It's tough. I know it doesn't make sense, but I guess that's okay.

momz3 - I'm glad you have company now. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

lolalapcat, omg I have a godson, too that I just CAN NOT get enough of! We went to get him (he lives a few hrs away) and kept him for a week...the kids adore him and sometimes he feels like mine! LOL...

Lyrelle, yeah some friends of ours came over for Thanksgiving and they have a 5 week old baby girl that I just couldn't get enough of! I know the feeling.

But yes, I go to the baby sections in stores STILL...I always get a little sad when I see the size Alexis would be in right about now. About 6-9 months...or I'll see a pregnant woman looking at clothing...when I had went to get some scrap book supplies for her baby book after we got her funeral pics, there was a REALLY pregnant lady looking at the same stuff...Just me and her on one isle...I got a HUGE lump in my throat and wanted to cry...at the same time, I wanted to ask her about her baby and when she was due...but like I said, some people make think I'm weird and that IS a little pushy being that I didn't know her...so I just grabbed some things and left...
THAT part of its hard...and it was all hard in the very beginning...

But ahh..everywhere we see....BABIES!







Even in restaurants...I've tried peeking in carseats (without seeming obvious or rude)....I love love love babies and children. Hell, I can't get enough of my own children...my kids think I kiss them way to much. LOL..


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## Starleigh (Jul 27, 2003)

You know I'm not doing too bad yet. I'm still plenty excited for the others in my life who are expecting. I even work from home in marketing to new and expentant families, and I'm not really bothered by due dates around mine, but today I did call someoen who lost their baby and I had to break imediately afterwards.









So far I'm still pretty numb and matter of fact about my loss. I sobbed and shaked while it was happening, but the next morning when I woke up I was different, and I have been since. It's reading other's stories of loss that bring it up. Babies just make me hopeful.


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starleigh* 
It's reading other's stories of loss that bring it up. Babies just make me hopeful.

Same here.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

Staci-after the stillbirth of our daughter seeing new babies was like a cure to me, a way to remind myself that life is stronger than death.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
Staci-after the stillbirth of our daughter seeing new babies was like a cure to me, a way to remind myself that life is stronger than death.

Yes. Thats exactly how I feel.


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## roslyn (Aug 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
Staci-after the stillbirth of our daughter seeing new babies was like a cure to me, a way to remind myself that life is stronger than death.

That's an awesome sentiment. My SIL just had a baby in October and they'll be here for Christmas. I know everyone will expect me to freak out, but I can't wait to hold that baby. New babies are just so sweet, I can't resist them. Yes, I'm hurting and I'm depressed, but just because my baby died doesn't mean I can't still love babies.


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## trini (Sep 20, 2005)

My ds1 was stillborn. Immediately I wanted to go volunteer at the hospital nursery (I looked into it, but they do not have volunteers due to security issues).

I must say that stranger's babies and pg women I did not know made me jealous. Babies of friends were different. Women who go through blissful pg's still make me jealous.

When my friend had her son 7 weeks after mine died, I HAD to go to the hospital. I needed to do it for some reason. I went, walking in through the same doors of the maternity ward that I had been wheeled out of with empty arms. I did not hold her son that day, but visited her at home a few days later and held him.

We all deal with grief differently.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
Staci-after the stillbirth of our daughter seeing new babies was like a cure to me, a way to remind myself that life is stronger than death.

Ditto-- for both DH and me.

Luckily our cats are very clingy, so we did not have so much of the "empty arms" feeling.


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## emcare (Sep 11, 2005)

I have never lost a baby to mc or stillbirth, but I "lost" my first dd to adoption. I hope that my comments are welcome here.

My mother and I were pregnant at the same time, and my twin sisters were born just 3 months before my dd was born. I thought that it would be hard to be around them after the placement, but it was the very best thing for me at the time. I needed them so badly to begin the healing process. I felt that my body physically needed to hold a child and soothe a crying baby. I needed to feed a baby and rock them to sleep as much as I needed to breathe at that time.

I don't know what I would have done without them.


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

I always wanted to hold babies after my miscarriage. While it was hard for me to hear that someone I knew had become pregnant, I still really wanted to hold the babies I knew. In fact, I felt self-conscious about wanting to hold and interact with children, especially once we told more people, because I thought they might think I was obsessed with kids because of the miscarriage, especially because we tried for a year before getting pregnant.

One day I was at party, held at the home of one of my friends who had two miscarriages in between the births of her two children. Most of the people at the party had young kids, so the place was filled with kids, and I was feeling really emotional about it. But I didn't want to avoid the kids, I wanted to play with them, but not feel self-conscious about it. Anyway, at some point I was sitting alone and my friend came over with her new infant and said, "You look like you might want to hold Izumi" and put her in my lap. I was so grateful, because I knew she knew how hard it was for me to be there, and I loved holding Izumi. It really melted my heart.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
Staci-after the stillbirth of our daughter seeing new babies was like a cure to me, a way to remind myself that life is stronger than death.

I understand that and I'm glad that you can feel that way, but for me, babies just remind me of what I don't have.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

mommysusie-


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
mommysusie-









Thanks. Like I've said before, this place has really helped me keep my sanity.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia* 
I always wanted to hold babies after my miscarriage. While it was hard for me to hear that someone I knew had become pregnant, I still really wanted to hold the babies I knew. In fact, I felt self-conscious about wanting to hold and interact with children, especially once we told more people, because I thought they might think I was obsessed with kids because of the miscarriage, especially because we tried for a year before getting pregnant.

One day I was at party, held at the home of one of my friends who had two miscarriages in between the births of her two children. Most of the people at the party had young kids, so the place was filled with kids, and I was feeling really emotional about it. But I didn't want to avoid the kids, I wanted to play with them, but not feel self-conscious about it. Anyway, at some point I was sitting alone and my friend came over with her new infant and said, "You look like you might want to hold Izumi" and put her in my lap. I was so grateful, because I knew she knew how hard it was for me to be there, and I loved holding Izumi. It really melted my heart.

Thats how I feel! Its hard for me to hear of a pregnancy, but once I see a baby, all of those feelings go away. its hard to be sad (for me) when I see a cute little one.


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## gothmommy (Jul 2, 2004)

It is weird--I work in OB and am in school to be a midwife. Sometimes I feel upset about being near the moms & babies, and other times, I just cradle the babies (when I have a moment, say in the nursery) and sometimes I just sob and sob while holding the little ones.
It really makes me sick in the deepest part of my being to know women who drink, smoke, take lousy care of their bodies, abuse or neglect their kids--all having storybook perfect pregnancies and babies. I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant losing my baby and yet I did (actually I've lost 3 now). Its just horrible.
Im having a tough time with all the people I know around me who are pregnant.
They all expect that I will be happy and thrilled for them but it is hard to really express that when I am grieving my own loss and they just want to forget that and ignore the fact that *I* had a little one too. I think the only person I can honestly say I AM thrilled and not feeling bothered by their pregnancy is my cousin who lives in Virginia (she posts on MDC too).


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Last year 4 friends and I had babies, my dd was stillborn. For me, I loved holding and playing with their babies and went right back to my LLL group as soon as I was healed physically but I couldn't go near the baby section in any store, found myself glaring at pregnant people, and avoiding babies like the plague unless I knew the mom. Now, time has gone on and I find comfort in all babies and have hopes of possibly having one more child someday. For me it took time to heal but it is perfectly normal to be either way. I think it was a reminder for me of a long time of our dd's death and what we were missing but now it is a sign of hope.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dziejen* 
Last year 4 friends and I had babies, my dd was stillborn. For me, I loved holding and playing with their babies and went right back to my LLL group as soon as I was healed physically but I couldn't go near the baby section in any store, found myself glaring at pregnant people, and avoiding babies like the plague unless I knew the mom. Now, time has gone on and I find comfort in all babies and have hopes of possibly having one more child someday. For me it took time to heal but it is perfectly normal to be either way. I think it was a reminder for me of a long time of our dd's death and what we were missing but now it is a sign of hope.

Same here. this yr 4 friends, my sister and SIL ALL had babies! All fine and healthy (which I am glad for). And sometimes I get upset over the fact that Everyone else had their babies, why couldn't I have mine.


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## at home mama (Dec 15, 2006)

that when our son was still born in 2002 I couldn't hold a baby or see one without crying or shaking. He was big, 10lbs, so even older babies reminded me of him. I have had three babies since then. My 3 yo ds looked just like his older brother at birth and I wonder sometimes what he would have been like. Holding the others is wonderful, but what has healed me is time and my faith. I still get a twinge of something when I meet someone that has a child that was born around that time. But I just watch and wonder...
I have three that are older than Francois was too, and there is a gap in my stair steps. A lady in Walmart once remarked that there was a big space in my children. I told her there definitely was. That summed it all up pretty good.
Time does heal, but slowly and differently for each.
Christina


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## mumto2 (Apr 30, 2005)

I don't want to hold any other babies, but I do want to look. Thankfully none of the babies I have seen yet remind me of my ds or dd at that age.

I like to look at the baby section in department stores as we are currently TTC, so i like to think about what we might get for our next little one. I could never bring myself to buy anything though. If I am ever lucky enough to have another child, it will not have one iota until I can bring it to the shops myself.

What has been unexpectedly hard for me has been some family video taken during the time I was pregnant. We brought the camera to ds's soccer game and when we were watching it back tonight it just struck me "I was pregnant then!" I can't watch that again, see that happiness in my own face.

How strange and personal our grief is.


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Yes, and not only do I want to hold them but I find myself staring at them in the stores. I think I have scared a few people. I should be getting over this but it still strikes me at times.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

: I think I may have mentioned on page 1 about being kind of scary, without meaning to be. I catch myself staring, and wonder if I've made the parents nervous. Thanks for making me feel a little less weird....


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