# Would you let your 17 year old date a 21 year old?



## ziggy

On a messageboard primarily of teen girls I asked "what age difference do you allow for in dating?" and every. single. one. said that they do NOT date people their own age or younger cos it's *so* immature (which I think is ridiculous).

I'm wondering what group of moms would say. If your daughter was 17 would you let her date a 21 year old?

(I use those ages because that's the situation I'm currently in)


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## philomom

No way would I allow my teenage daughter to date a male of 21 years or older.

If they really like each other, I might allow him to become "friends of the family" and they could spend time together that way.

Because why?
_ dating someone that much younger than you may mean he's NOT a catch

_he may put pressure on her to be sexually active before she's ready

_he may be drinking socially, teens can't do that

All that spells trouble with a capital T.


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## ananas

I would, based on my own personal experiences as a teen (for instance, DP is 5 years older than me...we met when I was 16).

It would depend on the teen, of course, and the person she was interested in dating...but yeah, I would most likely allow it.


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## Sailor

Well, I'm not a parent, but .. ha, no way would that fly with me. Frankly, I went through high school and college. I saw what the majority of boys were like. I hesitate to even use the word men on them.

I know there are exceptions, of course.

But, quite frankly, the vast majority of them are not mature, and they still use forms of pressure as well as (what I call) emotional blackmail to get sexual activity. I see this a lot. And not every girl is experienced enough to stand up for herself in such situations. Especially in situations where an "older" male is interested.

I am in an age gap relationship myself (17 years of an age gap). But, we met when I was an adult, independent, and living on my own. So, in that sense, we were on an equal playing field. I don't think high schoolers and college age students are on an equal playing field.

My family's rule was that while I was under their roof, and 100% dependent on them, I would focus on my life, i.e. school, extracurricular activities, discovering my passion, friends, etc. But, romantic relationships were not allowed.

Maybe I was a unique kid, but I never resented this or thought it unfair. I actually appreciated it because it allowed me to focus on me, without getting distracted by something for which I just wasn't ready (emotionally).

That's probably where a lot of my point of view comes from. But, truly, while I know there are exceptions, the vast majority of males ages 14 to 22 scare the heck out of me in terms of their lack of maturity! Thus, there's no way I'd let an older one near my kid.

Plus, I personally find it odd that a 21 year old (legal) adult would dip into the high school dating pool. Surely, there are other college girls out there, and thus no need to seek out high schoolers.


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## Blu Razzberri

It would very much be about the maturity levels. Because despite what the PP said, some older kids do NOT drink socially; some are slower to mature, etc. Likewise, some under-age-rs drink socially (some do it with their parent's blessing); and mature faster, etc. It's really not a question that can be answered based on age, alone.


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## MusicianDad

I would. But then I was living with a 20 yo when I was 17.

As for the dating someone your age or younger is so immature bit, are you sure these girls don't mean that the guy is so immature? Cause to be honest, 17 yo guys can be pretty immature at times.

Quote:

_ dating someone that much younger than you may mean he's NOT a catch

_he may put pressure on her to be sexually active before she's ready

_he may be drinking socially, teens can't do that
Well aside from the first one... that can be said about _any_ guy, be he 21, 51 or 17.

As for the first one. Um, it's four years. Not that big of an age difference really. If he were 34 and she were 30 would you be saying "Dating someone that much younger then you may mean he is NOT a catch"? Same age difference.


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## hermionesmum

I wouldn't rule it out, but it would depend on the individual personalities involved. The difference between those ages isn't so huge that I couldn't understand that they had some interests in common.

I would assume, however, that most 21 year-old young men had fully matured senses of their sexuality, and take into account whether the seventeen year-old in question could cope with that.


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## russsk

My brother was that 21-year-old dating the 17-year-old. I didn't like it because the girl was manipulative and whiny, but my brother's an awesome guy. It would be a case-by-case basis.


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## ursusarctos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hermionesmum* 
I wouldn't rule it out, but it would depend on the individual personalities involved. The difference between those ages isn't so huge that I couldn't understand that they had some interests in common.

I would assume, however, that most 21 year-old young men had fully matured senses of their sexuality, and take into account whether the seventeen year-old in question could cope with that.

I agree with the first part, it very much depends on the people involved. Boys also tend to mature more slowly than girls so if you have a mature 17 year old they could really be at about the same level, sexually as well as mentally.
I don't agree with the second part, though. In my experience, 21 year old boys do not usually have a fully matured sense of their sexuality - not necessarily more than a 17 year old girl. When I was 16-17, I had a very defined sense of my sexuality (even though I was a virgin until almost 18), and I resented that people would think that just because I was a young girl I would have no sexual desires of my own, that any sexual situation I might get into would be the result of pressure from the man. That was simply not true for me. Also, at that age most boys my age seemed hopelessly juvenile - good as friends maybe, but definitely not sexually attractive. But then again, I was "old" for my age. Most of my relationships have been with men several years older than me, and my DP is three years older, which means that when I was 17 he would have been 20 (we got together when I was barely 19). Though as many have said, it totally depends on the personalities involved. At those ages there is so much variation in individual maturity level. I would probably not have a problem with my 17 year old daughter dating a 21 year old unless they were obviously on totally different levels of development. I do think it is fair for the parent to get to meet and spend time with the partners of their children though, especially in cases with such an age difference. In that case it would be easier to judge whether their relationship was appropriate or not.


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## hermionesmum

originally posted by Ursusarctos:

Quote:

In my experience, 21 year old boys do not usually have a fully matured sense of their sexuality - not necessarily more than a 17 year old girl. When I was 16-17, I had a very defined sense of my sexuality (even though I was a virgin until almost 18), and I resented that people would think that just because I was a young girl I would have no sexual desires of my own, that any sexual situation I might get into would be the result of pressure from the man. That was simply not true for me. Also, at that age most boys my age seemed hopelessly juvenile - good as friends maybe, but definitely not sexually attractive. But then again, I was "old" for my age. Most of my relationships have been with men several years older than me, and my DP is three years older, which means that when I was 17 he would have been 20 (we got together when I was barely 19). Though as many have said, it totally depends on the personalities involved. At those ages there is so much variation in individual maturity level. I would probably not have a problem with my 17 year old daughter dating a 21 year old unless they were obviously on totally different levels of development. I do think it is fair for the parent to get to meet and spend time with the partners of their children though, especially in cases with such an age difference. In that case it would be easier to judge whether their relationship was appropriate or not.
I think we are making the same point, here. I certainly didn't mean to give the impression that sexual expression in a younger, female partner was inappropriate. Just that a naive girl would benefit from her parents' guidance.


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## ursusarctos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hermionesmum* 
originally posted by Ursusarctos:

I think we are making the same point, here. I certainly didn't mean to give the impression that sexual expression in a younger, female partner was inappropriate. Just that a naive girl would benefit from her parents' guidance.

I think you are right







I'm sorry if I seemed confrontational


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## Oriole

Well... Here is what I have to go by: DP and I met when I was 17, we have 11 years difference. Couldn't have been happier for the past 10 years.

* he is, handsome, supportive, funny, patient, doesn't mind cooking dinners, is romantic, I would consider that a catch








* he never pressured me sexually, if it wasn't for his standards, I wouldn't have waited until I was 18.








* he did drink socially, but I never did outside my family (we both have European roots, and neither family would frown upon a teenager having a glass of wine or beer); neither one of us ever been drunk, or driven a car after drinking. He never bought me a drink until I was 21.

He is the most wonderful dad to his now 15 y.o. daughter who lives with us. And yes, my parents were very cautious about him in the beginning, but they love him now. In fact, my mom calls him "her favorite son in law", and we are not even married (yet)









It's very much a US thing to judge a couple by the age (I think). One of my sisters is happily married to someone 9 years older than she is. They have three kids, and as far as I can see, her and her husband fit each other to a T (and not the "trouble" kind).

So... I can't say I wouldn't be worried, but to tell you the truth, I think I'd be worried no matte who dsd chose to date.


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## Oriole

Forgot to add...
My brother met his wife when she was 17 and he was 21. They've been married a year later, and I can see how much he loves her to this day. They've been together now for 15 years.

So you get the idea...


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## lifeguard

I met dh when I was 17 & he was 21. As a rule it seems like a big age difference & a little scary for my Mom I'm sure but for us it was a good thing. I think it is really something that has to be looked at on a case by case basis.


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## Ducky5306

i dont have a teenager so i guess i can't really say what'd i do but i'd like to think i'd judge it on the person and not his/her age.. when i was 16 i dated a 21 year old (for 2 years) and he never pressured me into anything, nor did he drink..

I met my dp when i was 19 and he was 30.. we split up for about 5 years but are back together now and he'll be 36 next month (i'm 24) i don't really see any issues.. i tend to date older men (my ex husband was 10 years older then me)


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## ziggy

deleted


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## MsChatsAlot

Agreeing that it really depends on the people involved.

My 17 yo niece got a lot more pressure from the boyfriend she had that was the same age (regarding things like sex, alcohol, etc.) than she did when she dated someone who was 20.


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## hermionesmum

Ziggy,
I have to ask! Have you polled a group of fathers on this issue? If so I'd be interested in the responses you got.


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## CarrieMF

If my dd wanted to date him then I would not have a problem with it.

At 17 most of the people I hung out with outside of school were 24. I "dated" some of them, my parents had NO say & I certainly never brought them home to meet my parents(though it's a small town so they would have known by at least sight who they were)

IME most 17yo's know how they feel about their sexuality & what they want(whether it's to have sex or not). IME most 17yo's have had sex with at least 1 partner.

here the drinking wouldn't be an issue as at 17 you're less than a year away from legal age & most teens here are already drinking.


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## H & J's Mom

DH and I have been together for 17 years, we started dating right after my 17th b'day, he was 20. He was certainly more sexually experience than me, but then again, he started when he was 12 ...

He is an amazing DH and father. I'm sure my parents worried about him as much as they would have with anyone else no matter the age. I'm not sure why parents would automatically feel more comfortable with a 17, 18, 19 ... year old without meeting him. My DH had all of his (well most) partying, experimenting, etc. out of the way when we met and he knew exactly what he wanted (and didn't) in a relationship. I am very glad I did not meet DH when he was his younger self, I don't think we would have made it and I would have missed out on the amazing family I have today.

I am glad my parents (and I) looked at the person, not the number when we met him. I think I'll do the same for my children.


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## Ruthla

First of all, by age 17, I can't imagine "letting" or "forbidding" my child from dating. I definitely plan to keep an open dialogue about dating and sexuality, and my kids already know that I'd prefer if they didn't date until they were ready to think about marriage- but I wouldn't absolutely forbid something like that. Nor would I say "OK, you can date this guy but not that guy" especially not based on something as arbitrary as age.

I can see setting limits like "no going in a room with the door closed" or "you must be home by X time" or even "You can go out with a group but not alone with just a boy/man" but I just don't see how I could absolutely forbid a teenager from seeing a certain person, nor dictate what kind of relationship they have. I can teach and guide, but what power do I have to actually stop them from being romantically involved?

That aside, whether or not a relationship between a 17yo girl and a 21yo boy could be healthy depends completely on the individuals involved. That's only a 4 year age difference, and people grow and mature at different rates.


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## dewlady

I agree, depends on the people involved how I would feel...

But am I the only one that thinks that a 17yr old shouldn't be referred to in terms of who her parents will "LET" her date???

I was already making life decisions at that age and with my now DH. I also think that while parents of a 17 yr old can and will have opinions about who their kids date, they ultimately can't be in charge. I would have just snuck around behind my parents back if they had forbid me to date at 17. I think feedback and respect for the choices a 17 yr old makes makes more sense to me.

this is unless i suppose I felt my child was in danger? But again it would be more about talking and exchanging info/opinions etc. again, at 17 a child is less than a year away from being "ALLOWED" to make any decisions they want. I feel that dictating or disallowing a daughter to date someone due to age or whatever would only drive my daughter further away from a respectful grownup relationship with me, ya know? It would tell her that I think she is incapable of making important decisions for herself in the most intimate way and that I don't think she smart enough to judge a partners intentions on her own? If at 17 I am in charge of doing that for her, then who is in charge at 18?

If we were talking 14 or 15, my answer would be slightly different.


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## clicksab

I would, but I don't think I'd have a choice after DD hearing about how old DH and I were when we met!

I was 17 and he was 22. We met in college...I was already out of my parents domain, so they didn't have any voice in my decision. My mother was nervous about him and made some really stupid assumptions based on his age. But here is the breakdown:
-He had only kissed one girl before me. In fact, he'd never even french kissed, never mind anything else! I was, um, more experienced.
-He'd never had a drink. Ever. Not even on his 21st birthday. He just doesn't see the point in drinking. I'd had my first vodka at 14.
-He was friends with people in every age group, and was not very crowd influenced. Very much "his own man" who wasn't going to be pushed or influenced by a bunch of dumb college guys. I probably would have done anything for people to like me at that time!

If anyone should have been nervous about us dating, it should have been HIS mother! Age is just a number, it is all about the person's maturity and values.


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## eclipse

I say yes with the general caveat that we're dealing with marginally responsible people. In my case, my older two at least will likely be in college at that age (my son will probably enter college at around 15 at the oldest, my daughter at 16 or 17 at the latest). Seventeen year olds are almsot adults and likely to do what they feel like, regardless of their parents' wishes. I'd rather keep the lines of communication open, so no one is sneaking around.


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## because why not?

My girls will most likely start college when they're 17. Even if they would graduate HS later, I wouldn't feel that it's my place to dictate their romantic choices at that age.

By the way, girls like sex. It isn't all about whether or not she's able to defend herself against the advances of the older man.







I was 17 when I had my first serious boy friend, who was 21, and I was definitely the controlling one in that relationship. I initiated the physical stuff.


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## because why not?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I say yes with the general caveat that we're dealing with marginally responsible people. In my case, my older two at least will likely be in college at that age (my son will probably enter college at around 15 at the oldest, my daughter at 16 or 17 at the latest). Seventeen year olds are almsot adults and likely to do what they feel like, regardless of their parents' wishes. I'd rather keep the lines of communication open, so no one is sneaking around.

Why would your kids start college so early?


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## DannyPatterson

Absolutely not.

The age difference / maturity of a 17yr old versus a 21yr old is tremendous. Age doesn't matter so much as we age ourselves but there's a lot for your young daughter to learn over the next 4 years.

The problem is, if you are too overbearing with your disapproval you may only be encouraging her to rebel.


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## chiromamma

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
No way would I allow my teenage daughter to date a male of 21 years or older.

If they really like each other, I might allow him to become "friends of the family" and they could spend time together that way.

Because why?
_ dating someone that much younger than you may mean he's NOT a catch

_he may put pressure on her to be sexually active before she's ready

_he may be drinking socially, teens can't do that

All that spells trouble with a capital T.


I agree. I dated guys much older than me when I was in H.S. did all those things.


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## ursusarctos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *because why not?* 

By the way, girls like sex. It isn't all about whether or not she's able to defend herself against the advances of the older man.







I was 17 when I had my first serious boy friend, who was 21, and I was definitely the controlling one in that relationship. I initiated the physical stuff.

Thank you! I feel this way too, and also initiated physical stuff with my older boyfriend (who didn't drink btw) when I was 17. People (not talking about people on this board, just the general public) expect young men to be randy as goats, but fail to understand that young girls also have raging hormones making them ridiculously horny.
This is not to say that some teenage girls are not extremely naive and need parental guidance and could get taken advantage of. But I think the percentage of those girls may be smaller than many people think. And even if a girl is naive, straight out forbidding her at 17 to see a boy based on his age alone will lead to nothing but bad feelings and trickery (as many PP have pointed out).


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## chinaKat

When I was 17, my best friend and I spent a lot of time with her brother and his friends, who were all 21. We drank alcohol and smoked pot every weekend. I never "dated" any of them but one guy and I hooked up pretty regularly, and I fooled around with a few others. My friend slept with several of them. They didn't really want to "date" us, but we were fun and cute and young and friendly, so there you go.

I've no regrets, but I would monitor a situation like that for my daughters and wouldn't permit the unsupervised partying and overnights like my parents did.


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## MisaGoat

From my experience, it would depend on the situation, but probably.

When I was 17 my boyfriend was 21. He did not pressure me in any way to do anything sexual, drink or do anything else. In fact he was much nicer to me than the guys I was in high school with. He was much more a gentleman and it was more of an equal relationship than what I had with previous boyfriends who were my age.

I also think saying someone isn't a catch if they are interested in a girl that is 17 when they are 21 is really silly.

(And I am another one that instigated all the 'bad' things you are worried about an older guy doing)


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## eclipse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *because why not?* 
Why would your kids start college so early?

OT, but they will probably have graduated by then. My son is two years ahead of grade level in school and gaining, and my daughter is currently one year ahead of grade level. Unless something unexpected happens,t hey will be done with HS at a young age. Of course, they might not choose college immediately, but if they do, they will be significantly younger than "average."


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## mauri456

I guess you can never truly say never. My daughter is only 17 months so it is easy to say I would say no but maybe if the circumstance came about I may feel differently. However, right now from an outside perspective, I just feel as though that is too much of an age difference.


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## JollyGG

I would probably allow it. I say this because at 17 I was dating a 27 year old. My parents didn't say anything about it and I quickly figured out who the mature one in the relationship was. Hint - it wasn't him. But I think that that was something I needed to learn on our own. In my case I needed to learn that what an older boy who dates significantly younger girls wants out of life is much different than what I wanted out of life. My parents couldn't have taught me this only experience could. And my parents calm acceptance of the situation made removing myself from the relationship quite easy.

Of course my parents were very comfortable with my decision making skills and I like to think I was rather mature at that age. I think that every parent knows their own child best. They know what sorts of influences other have over their child and can make the call based on their own situation.


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## CarrieMF

Quote:

But am I the only one that thinks that a 17yr old shouldn't be referred to in terms of who her parents will "LET" her date???
no. The idea of "letting" is funny because really at 17 the parents won't have much say in it. They'll find ways to be together, especially if it's forbidden.


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## Storm Bride

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dewlady* 
But am I the only one that thinks that a 17yr old shouldn't be referred to in terms of who her parents will "LET" her date???

Nope. I agree totally.

Quote:

I was already making life decisions at that age and with my now DH. I also think that while parents of a 17 yr old can and will have opinions about who their kids date, they ultimately can't be in charge. I would have just snuck around behind my parents back if they had forbid me to date at 17. I think feedback and respect for the choices a 17 yr old makes makes more sense to me.
I have _never_ seen it turn out well when parents forbid someone (usually a daughter) to see the person their child wants to see. I had a girlfriend who used to cut class after lunch almost every day, so she could have sex with her boyfriend (two years older) in his van. Her parents didn't "let" her go out with him...so she still saw him, still had sex, _and_ missed out on one class in five for a whole school year.

That said...my feelings about it would totally depend on the individuals involved. I have to say that, on the horniness front, I don't see a 21 year old as any more likely to pressure a girl than a 17 year old, just based on age. If anything, my experience went the other way. Many of the 21 year olds were getting past that feeling that their entire worth as "men" was caught up in how many times they'd scored - more of the 17 year olds were stuck there.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DannyPatterson* 
Absolutely not.

The age difference / maturity of a 17yr old versus a 21yr old is tremendous. Age doesn't matter so much as we age ourselves but there's a lot for your young daughter to learn over the next 4 years.

The problem is, if you are too overbearing with your disapproval you may only be encouraging her to rebel.

I would argue that the difference in maturity level between a 17 yo boy and a 17 yo girl is tremendous.

And again, the age difference is 4 years. That sounds pretty normal in the realm of dating.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hermionesmum* 
Ziggy,
I have to ask! Have you polled a group of fathers on this issue? If so I'd be interested in the responses you got.

I'm a father!!!


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## Irishmommy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
As for the first one. Um, it's four years. Not that big of an age difference really. If he were 34 and she were 30 would you be saying "Dating someone that much younger then you may mean he is NOT a catch"? Same age difference.

14 and 10. 16 and 12. 17 and 21. Huge difference between those and 30 and 34.


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## 2xy

I wouldn't have a problem with it, assuming the 21yo was a good person.

My own parents are 12 years apart and my mom was a teen when she met my dad. They were married for 30 years when he passed away.

I was sexually active as a teen and never dated anyone who was more than a year or two older than me. Restricting dating to people of the same age doesn't ensure that your kids won't have sex.

I judge people by their character, not by their age.


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## amynbebes

No however if you don't allow it you have to be realllly careful in how you approach it. There's always a chance that you could push her further toward him.


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## A&A

When I was 18, I dated a 25 yo. old (and now I'm married to him!)


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## nextcommercial

No Way.

My daughter is 16. She is nowhere near mature or old enough to deal with dating an adult.

I wouldn't have been at that age either.

Now, when I was 20, I dated a 29 year old. But, by that time, there was a HUGE difference in my maturity level. I had a condo, a job, had been out of the house for over a year, and I was more ready.

But, at 16, my daughter can barely manage dating a 17 yr old. Heck, she can barely remember to flush a toilet.


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## Jenne

When I was 17 I had a 22 y.o. interested in me. My mother knew about it. She also said that once I turned 18 I could do as I wished but as long as I lived in her house and such that she would prefer I wait. She said if he was still interested once I was of age that she wouldn't object. She knew the guy. Had known him for years, in fact. I guess that is what I would mean if I said I wouldn't "let" my 17 y.o. date a 21 y.o. Turns out that at 18 when we did go on a date, I was still way more mature and grounded in my life then he was. He was hot though!









So, no, I wouldn't "forbid" it for the reasons cited in previous posts but I would discourage it until she was 18.

Jenne


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## amydidit

Definitely depends on each individual. My first instinct was HELL NO! But then I remembered, I started dating a 21 yr old when I was still 17. I fully believe I was ready and mature enough. My mother believed that too. He didn't push me to drink (I already was anyway), and didn't push me to have sex. Well, not until my 18th birthday and I begged HIM for it.







So not all older guys are going to be bad influences.

The relationship ended remarkably badly, but our ages had nothing to do with that.


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## 2xy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
But, at 16, my daughter can barely manage dating a 17 yr old. Heck, she can barely remember to flush a toilet.

But see...that's what I mean about judging a person on basis of who they are, and not by their age.

At 16, I was working 30 hours a week, maintaining a B average in school, had a boyfriend, and still managed to flush the toilet.









My 17yo and my 13yo are very different. I think my 13yo is more emotionally mature than his older brother.


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## KaraBoo

I don't have hard and fast rules about ages for anything.

However, my daughter was 17 when she was dating a 21yr old. Her dad (my ex) and really worked to be supportive of her choices and yet let her know how we felt about this guy. It wasn't just his age. There were lots of things about him that when added together, creeped both of us out. She's 19 now and I'm very glad she isn't with this man anymore.


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
I don't have hard and fast rules about ages for anything.

However, my daughter was 17 when she was dating a 21yr old. Her dad (my ex) and really worked to be supportive of her choices and yet let her know how we felt about this guy. It wasn't just his age. There were lots of things about him that when added together, creeped both of us out. She's 19 now and I'm very glad she isn't with this man anymore.

It is my belief that if you had "forbid" the relationship it would likely still be going on.


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## nolonger

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
It is my belief that if you had "forbid" the relationship it would likely still be going on.

Mine too.

That's why I didn't get upset about my 17 year old daughter dating a very nice 21 year old boy. She's almost 20 now and it seems to be turning out okay. I certainly don't think it would have turned out any better if I had tried to stop them from being together.

The 18 year old girl dating my 15 year old son was a lot scarier for me, but they're okay too. He's 17 and dating a 17 year old girl now.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunkissedmumma67* 
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.

One thing I really wouldn't do is refer to a 17 yo female as a young girl. For one thing, she is likely done with puberty and a woman in every sense of the word. For another, 17 isn't 7 and young is not exactly accurate unless it's "young woman".


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## Meg_s

when I was 17 I dated (and married) a 23 year old who turned 24. I lied to him about my age when we first met otherwise he wouldn't have dated me.. but we got on well enough that he (with reservations) accepted it when I told him.

He treated me better than anyone would have, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that age. I had a lot of male friends, I know what they were like at that age and there is no way I would have wanted to date any of them, and no way any of them ever could have been as good as he was. Just from my own little pool of experience


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## ursusarctos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunkissedmumma67* 
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.

Hm, in my experience the "losers who can't make a relationship work with women" are generally the 17 year olds... 21 year olds may have learned a thing or two about relationships already.
Though I am sure there are men like that. In fact, there are 40 year old men like that, who date 20 year old women. There are also 40 year old men who date 20 year old women because they find them attractive and refreshing. And maybe those 20 year old women find them attractive and refreshing too!
Also, ditto to what MusicianDad said about 17 year old females being called "young girls".


----------



## Bellabaz

For me it would greatly depend onteh maturity levels of both. I would probably proceed with caution no matter what. But I think of myself at that age and due to life experiences I was much more mature than some of my peers and knew what I could and could not handle. But every kid is different.


----------



## philomom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunkissedmumma67* 
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.

This has been my observation as well.


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## Super Glue Mommy

it would depend on the 17yo and the 21yo. whether this be a 17yo female and 21yo male or vice versa it wil still just depend on the individuals involved.. I also agree to proceed with caution, and try to stay involved without being invasive.

I graduated high school (with a highschool diploma) at 16 and was attending college at that time until I got a full time job and then was attending college part time. Everyone I knew was 18 and over, and to be honest, were all much less mature then I was.


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## KaraBoo

I'd say, generally, that yes, if you forbid the relationship, it might drive the 17yr old further into it. But that isn't always the case. I think it depends on the 17yr old, what "forbid" looks like and your relationship with your child.


----------



## H & J's Mom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunkissedmumma67* 
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.

I find it disturbing that you would make such a harsh statement about a lot of people you've never met ... including DH and I.


----------



## chinchen

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
I would, based on my own personal experiences as a teen (for instance, DP is 5 years older than me...we met when I was 16).

It would depend on the teen, of course, and the person she was interested in dating...but yeah, I would most likely allow it.









Iagree whole heartedly, it depends on the person and my daughter.
i was 17 when i met my 22 year old boyfriend. we ended up dating and it took me longer to have sex with him than ever before(i wasnt the best teenage girl







). a few months actually. he put zero pressure on me. it was nice. now 5 years later we are getting married and expecting.

but again, this is a VERY personal choice. dont feel like you arent doing the right thing. she is your daughter afterall, and none of us here know her. Good luck mama!


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## purslaine

I do not see much difference between most 17 year olds and 21 year olds. They are usually at a similar stage in life (young adulthood) - I think it is fine.


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## geiamama

I think alot of it depends on the history of the boy/man in question and if he's interested in the 17yr old because of her as a person or simply because of her young age.
In my case I met and married my first husband at 17, he was 36 and divorced with two pre-teen children. I was (and like to think still am) a strong-minded individual but I was still inexperienced and so easily manipulated. I wasn't pressured into drinking or drugs but I was easily controlled within the relationship, especially when he used the children as emotional weapons. It caused problems as I grew older. I wanted more independence to finish my education and start a meanful career. He wanted me to carry on working three dead-end jobs, look after the children and do all the housework so that he could 'retire early' (by which he meant sit on his arse and do nothing either with HIS kids or the house. He didn't want me for me, he wanted me because I was young and therefore (in his deluded little world) easier to keep subservient.
I'm certainly not comparing the young lad to my ex but it is worth remembering that even though a 17yr old may seem confident and mature, she or he won't have the same foresight and self-assurance in potentially damaging situations as someone in their twenties.


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## mormontreehugger

I was really comfortable with my parents rules growing up: no dating until 16, and only group dating until 18. It kept me out of trouble, and we had discussions about any deviations from the rules that I wanted to try out. They listened to me and sometimes said no, and sometimes said yes and I was okay with that because I knew that they would take things on a case by case basis. Once I was 18, they would let me know what they thought was wise but leave it up to me because I was an "adult". I never had a curfew, but the car did...









As far as maturity levels go, it really does depend on the person. I dated a guy about 5 yrs younger than me when I was 24 because he was far more mature than many of my peers because of some life experiences he had had to go through.

However, there ARE a few things that are pretty common when it comes to development--I don't recall specifics, but when I took my psychology class we delved briefly into the area of development of the brain and ability to process different things. Technically, we're not all fully developed until about 25 yrs old on average. So there may be a huge difference between a 16 yr old and a 19 yr old for that reason alone. 17 and 21 may be totally fine, I would just make sure I knew the guy really well and that they both spent a good amount of time around us and I would ask them to avoid being completely alone as I intend to teach abstinence until marriage in my house (It's never enough to just say "don't do it", you have to give them the tools to accomplish that, ya know?)


----------



## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *geiamama* 
I think alot of it depends on the history of the boy/man in question and if he's interested in the 17yr old because of her as a person or simply because of her young age.
In my case I met and married my first husband at 17, he was 36 and divorced with two pre-teen children. I was (and like to think still am) a strong-minded individual but I was still inexperienced and so easily manipulated. I wasn't pressured into drinking or drugs but I was easily controlled within the relationship, especially when he used the children as emotional weapons. It caused problems as I grew older. I wanted more independence to finish my education and start a meanful career. He wanted me to carry on working three dead-end jobs, look after the children and do all the housework so that he could 'retire early' (by which he meant sit on his arse and do nothing either with HIS kids or the house. He didn't want me for me, he wanted me because I was young and therefore (in his deluded little world) easier to keep subservient.
I'm certainly not comparing the young lad to my ex but it is worth remembering that even though a 17yr old may seem confident and mature, she or he won't have the same foresight and self-assurance in potentially damaging situations as someone in their twenties.

I am curious how your parents dealt with this situation?


----------



## because why not?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathymuggle* 
I do not see much difference between most 17 year olds and 21 year olds. They are usually at a similar stage in life (young adulthood) - I think it is fine.

No kidding!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.
You're hardly dealing with an 'older man' in this situation. I would agree with you if you were takling about a 31 year old man, but a 21 a guy is still a kid.


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## ziggy

Hey folks, thanks for all the replies.

To clarify, I'm the 21 year old in this situation, not a parent.

And, uh, thanks to those who called me a creeper!


----------



## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ziggy* 
Hey folks, thanks for all the replies.

To clarify, I'm the 21 year old in this situation, not a parent.

And, uh, thanks to those who called me a creeper!

I think it is really harsh what some people have said on this thread, but I think it just goes to show you how crazy people can get about this sort of thing. (which is why I think you posted here.. to sort of get an idea of what kind of reaction to expect from your interest in this girl)


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## Kirsten

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I can teach and guide, but what power do I have to actually stop them from being romantically involved?

Thank you! Parents who think they can stop their teenagers emotions by refusing permission to date someone are living in a fantasy land IMO. A 17 year old is less than a year away from adulthood. I don't WANT to be in charge of all decisions for her at that point. It is my job as her mother to let her have experiences that move her towards independence. How did we learn who was good for us and who wasn't, what we needed in a relationship and what we couldn't accept? By having a variety of relationships! Some good and some bad, and we learn from them all.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
OT, but they will probably have graduated by then. My son is two years ahead of grade level in school and gaining, and my daughter is currently one year ahead of grade level. Unless something unexpected happens,t hey will be done with HS at a young age. Of course, they might not choose college immediately, but if they do, they will be significantly younger than "average."

This is off topic, but we are talking about kids that are now 8 and 6? I don't think being advanced at that age necessarily leads to early college - and wouldn't want to set my kids up for feeling guilty if they turn out to be only average or even top of their class but not graduating three years early. Many kids are ahead in the early years of elementary, but while they always do well, the other kids catch up with time. Even if my kids were academically smart enough to graduate two to three years early, I wouldn't send a 15 year old to college. I don't think they are mature enough to do that at 15, 16, 17.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
Restricting dating to people of the same age doesn't ensure that your kids won't have sex.

I judge people by their character, not by their age.

This! Anyone who thinks their dd is safe from drinking, drugs or sexual advances while dating someone of her own age is deluding themselves. I actually agree with many people who say that guys a few years older can control themselves better than teenagers.

I dated an 18 year old when I was 14. A 21 year old when I was 16. A 27 year old when I was 18. Two of those relationships were good; one was not. But I wouldn't take back a day of any of them from where I stand now at 39. You learn and grow in so many ways from each experience you have; every relationship teaches you something. I ended up marrying someone two years older than me when I was 22. I wouldn't apply rules to ages. Case by case basis. And respect that a 17 year old can make her own decisions.


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## rhubarbarin

I would have no issue with my (hypothetical) 17-year-old daughter dating anyone no matter their age, nationality, color, creed, etc - as long as the person was kind and respectful to her.

My boyfriend is 17 years older than me, we met when I was just turned 19 (6 months after I was supposed to have graduated high school), but was living on my own, working full time. Granted I am an extremely cautious person and (I flatter myself) mature for my age, so I was very careful and took the relationship slow in the beginning. He is certainly not a 'loser' or someone who wants to take advantage of young girls, as the common attitude seems to be. I don't get it. People are people, they are good or bad, emotionally mature or not so, and the actual number of years they've been alive has little to do with it IME.

Yeah, young people do get taken advantage of/engage in unhealthy relationships with older people. But they are far outnumbered by the amount of young people who get taken advantage of/engage in unhealthy relationships with their peers.. what can we blame that on?


----------



## Irishmommy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ziggy* 
Hey folks, thanks for all the replies.

To clarify, I'm the 21 year old in this situation, not a parent.

And, uh, thanks to those who called me a creeper!

Actually, I find it fascinating that the assumption on this thread, as I read it, is that the 17yo is a female and the 21yo is a male. Not the reverse, and not same sex.


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## shayinme

Well I have a 17 yo son and at that is point, I can't see forbidding him to do too many things because the reality is he is almost an adult. This is a rather timely discussion as I was just talking to a friend about how last summer when ds was 16 he was briefly dating an 18 yo college freshman. My friend whose kids are much younger was stunned that I let ds date an 18 yo since technically she was an adult.

I met the girl and it wasn't that big of a deal to me, I trusted my son's judgement and the relationship ended up just being a summer fling. As it is ds gets approached often by older girls (19-21) and again I trust his judgement.

For me there is a time when you have to trust that you raised your child well and that they will have good judgement. IMO by the time they hit 16.5-17 its time to let them start making their own decisions. At this point, I am still a parent but I also see myself as a facilitator and life coach as well as a friend.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
Actually, I find it fascinating that the assumption on this thread, as I read it, is that the 17yo is a female and the 21yo is a male. Not the reverse, and not same sex.

I'm surprised that so many people assume that the 17 is some how incapable of making mature choices.


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## barbara73069

I'm getting in on this post a little late but I agree with everyone who thinks maturity is the key not the biological age. My 16 yr old has been with her 21 yr old bf for several years and although I love him to death, my daughter is usually the more mature one in the relationship. He lives with us now and yes they share a room but it is a committed and serious relationship and the age difference has never been an issue. Barb


----------



## rhubarbarin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
I'm surprised that so many people assume that the 17 is some how incapable of making mature choices.

This is an attitude I don't understand. But it seems there really are people that regard teenagers as 'children' not only _incapable_ of having any say over their own lives, but not _deserving_ of independence. I don't think most teenagers would agree with this view!

In my view a person stops being truly a child with the advent of puberty. They still need plenty of parenting, guidance, and support into their teens, but with all the hormonal changes come a sea change in personality and an overwhelming need for privacy and freedom. I think it's more constructive to foster these desires and allow them to make their own choices (and mistakes) while they still have parents to fall back on if anything goes wrong, rather than running the show for them until the are older, then expecting them to suddenly know how to run their own lives because they've reached the 'magic age' of 18, or graduated college.

My mom tried to control us at all times, but my sister and I both rebelled and went our own way. The worst consequences there were to our relationship, unfortunately..


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## LadyCatherine185

I didn't read the other replies, but just wanted to post my experience. I was 17 when I met DH, who was 20. I was in highschool, he was a sophomore in college. But I was mature for my age, and DH was (is) a very very nice guy. He spent a lot of time with me at my parent's house, as well as took me out on dates, etc. If anything, I pushed him to be sexually active..







He had never kissed another girl before me. But he is one in a million and a truly wonderful man, so i think it definitely depends on the situation and I wouldn't put an age on it. 4 years isn't that much of a difference.

ETA: we were 19 and 22 when we got married. we have been married 4 years, have a 6 month old son, and have a wonderful relationship and are very much still in love.


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## eclipse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
Actually, I find it fascinating that the assumption on this thread, as I read it, is that the 17yo is a female and the 21yo is a male. Not the reverse, and not same sex.


I thought about that as I was reading the thread myself, but then I double checked the OP and saw that s/he asked specifically about allowing a 17 yo female to date a 21 yo male.


----------



## geiamama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I am curious how your parents dealt with this situation?

Well they weren't too happy about it!!!

My mum and dad tried to be as supportive as possible whilst still letting me know that they weren't able to accept it. It was a fine line to tread and to be honest there were several arguements about it. But the best thing that they did was let me know that no matter what happened or how things turned out that they wouldn't ever judge me or say I "told you so" so when I finally left him I knew I could turn to them and they would help without making me feel embarrassed or foolish. It allowed me to keep my dignity and move on quicker. In the end it actually strengthened our relationship.


----------



## Calee

I know that this isn't going to go over well with the parents of 17 year olds that are perfect in every way







And, I also know, that in ANY situation not EVERYONE fits into the same category.

BUT.

I have noticed that 17 (and 18 and 19 and 21 and 25) seem to be getting younger and younger as far as responsibility and maturity.

Yes, for many, when you/we were 17 we held jobs, lived on our own, etc. HOWEVER, in MANY, MANY cases, this is no longer the general societal trend. I have people with whom I was friends with in high school and college (honestly, more males than females, but both) who are now in their thirties and still living at home with their parents. Some of them not taking care of any bills, and some not working a steady job.

That is what makes me uncomfortable (possibly) with the situation. I do agree that it ultimately depends on the people. As a culture, we seem to be giving our young adults more and more freedoms and priviledges and less and less responsibilities. I have met VERY few 17 year olds (or, honestly, 21 year olds) lately that I would even slightly consider an adult (I work at a University).


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## ziggy

If I may challenge your stereotype a little, I turn 22 in June, so it's still a few months away. However, at 17 I became an emancipated minor and I had custody of my two younger siblings for a few months while my mother got back on her feet. I graduated with honors from high school and went on to college without my parents support. I have since moved cross country and am attending, basically, the school of my dreams. I am on full financial aid and I have a job that basically makes enough money to buy food and that's about it. I am not welcome at my parents home so I find alternatives for every school break. Apart from scraping buy, I also serve on a number of boards for different non-profits and organize events and whatnot. I certainly may be a different kind of adult than you are, but I am one.

The 17 year old I'm talking about graduated high school early and has been taking college classes for awhile. She's on a statewide commission, and works closely with some smaller groups. She's traveled cross country, on her own, and is pretty darn responsible.

Sure, like I said, we're not the same kind of adult you are, but I do consider us both adults.


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## Storm Bride

I just want to throw out there that I had a relationship with a 21 year old when I was 15. It was sex only. It was my idea. He didn't know how old I as until _after_ we'd had sex the first time. You know what? I have no regrets about him at all. He was a good choice for my first time. He knew what he was doing in the bedroom, _and_ I didn't end up being gossip fodder at my high school (which did happen to a couple of my friends).

On the flip side, my first marriage ended up being an emotionally abusive nightmare that almost destroyed my sanity and had a profoundly negative effect on my physical health. While I waited until I was 23 to get married, we'd been together since we were 15 and 16...and he was younger than me. OTOH, his sister hooked up with a friend of their parents a few years later. While I was horrified (she was 17, and he was 34) at the time, honestly compels me to say that they're one of only two couples that I knew back then who are still together - my brother, sister and I have all been through one broken marriage since then, my bff has been through two nightmarish abusive relationships (one physical, one emotional), my parents and my ex's parents have divorced. His sister and the older guy - who _must_ be a creep, right? - are still together, happier than ever and have both grown _so_ much as people that it blows my mind.

People matter, not calendars.


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## oceanbaby

Haven't read the replies.

I was 16 when I started dating a 20yo. We dated on and off for 2.5 years.

It really depends on the people involved. Responsible, mature, clean living people - the age difference doesn't bother me. Wild and crazy, immature, drugs, party lifestyle - that would really factor in to the equation.


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## KaraBoo

I don't know about anyone else's children but I know that MY daughter at that age WAS incapable of making mature choices. It's all relative and personalized. I don't think it's possible to make generalizations about something like this.


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## Jessy1019

Absolutely I would. When I was 17, my boyfriend was 34. There is no way I could have happily dated someone my own age, at that point in my life.

Four years is no big deal at all, but I don't plan on judging my teenagers' love lives based on numbers, anyway.


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## onelilguysmommy

depends...17 is almost 18 and 18 you have no say.
my kids dad is 3y 2mo older than me and he turned 21 when i was 17 (and pregnant with our oldest- wed been together over 3 years then...)


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## rhubarbarin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Calee* 
I know that this isn't going to go over well with the parents of 17 year olds that are perfect in every way







And, I also know, that in ANY situation not EVERYONE fits into the same category.

BUT.

I have noticed that 17 (and 18 and 19 and 21 and 25) seem to be getting younger and younger as far as responsibility and maturity.

Yes, for many, when you/we were 17 we held jobs, lived on our own, etc. HOWEVER, in MANY, MANY cases, this is no longer the general societal trend. I have people with whom I was friends with in high school and college (honestly, more males than females, but both) who are now in their thirties and still living at home with their parents. Some of them not taking care of any bills, and some not working a steady job.

That is what makes me uncomfortable (possibly) with the situation. I do agree that it ultimately depends on the people. As a culture, we seem to be giving our young adults more and more freedoms and priviledges and less and less responsibilities. I have met VERY few 17 year olds (or, honestly, 21 year olds) lately that I would even slightly consider an adult (I work at a University).

You're absolutely right, young people are encouraged by our society and their parents not to take responsibility of their own lives until much later in life. Being a student, living on loans or having your parents take care of your finances and needs into your 20s, insulates you even further from real life.

Just a generation or two ago most people left home after high school, got jobs, got married, bought a house and had one or two children by their early 20s. This is not even remotely possible now. I couldn't even get rent an apartment on my own at age 19, even though I supported myself, had no debt and good credit.

But it's just a trend.. there are plenty of smart, savvy, very adult 17-year-olds out there. Usually they are people who due to circumstances in their lives have had to take responsibility, or else they have been given a great deal of freedom to act 'as adults' at a young age (some secular homeschoolers I know come to mind - they have traveled and experienced so much already). It really depends on how you live your life. As a young teen I wasn't any more mature than anyone else my age. But certain things happened in my life and by the time I was 19 and living on my own, working for a living, caring for my pets, with no family within 300 miles, you can bet I was a grown-up (and I promptly began dating a 35-year-old, lol).


----------



## pixiekisses

Yes I would.
At 17 you're almost an adult, and age really doesn't matter much, it all depends on the person.


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## katheek77

Yes. Barring some odd extenuating circumstances.

My husband was old enough to (and did) join the military at 17. I had spent two summers in Spain, sans parents, before I turned 18. I think it'd be pretty strange of us to turn around and say, "Nope. Can't date that guy, he's four years older, and you're only 17!!!."

I don't see that much of a difference between 17 and 21. 13 and 17 - yeah, I do. 17 and 31 - yeah (although my parents were 18 and 32 when they met, so....). But, 17 and 21? Nah. The way cutoffs for age and redshirting is going in school, it's quite plausible that those two were in the same high school two years earlier and just a couple grades apart.


----------



## Calee

Ziggy, I'm sorry you were offended by my post.

I have absolutely no way of knowing you personally, and in no way would attempt to imply that I do.

In my post I said that there were exceptions, and that this is something that I see many times in my day to day life and that it seems to be a trend among many young people (I did not say all). I do personally also know some young people that don't fit what I described, but they happen to be in the minority. This is why to your original question, I said that it would depend on the individuals.

If you would like to accuse me of stereotyping, you are more than welcome to your opinion, of course! But please remember that I was speaking to your question, not to you as a personal individual because, again, I don't know you!


----------



## Labbemama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *russsk* 
My brother was that 21-year-old dating the 17-year-old. I didn't like it because the girl was manipulative and whiny, but my brother's an awesome guy. It would be a case-by-case basis.











It would also depend on the maturity of my dd. My 15.5 y.o. is barely ready to be dating at all.







So no, I would not let her go out with a 19 y.o. I am barely letting her 'go out' with a boy just a few months older than her. And they aren't doing much more than talking on the phone and seeing each other at school. In other words it's JUST right for this mom. LOL.

At 17 and 8 mos I got married to dh who was 21, almost 22. I always dated someone 2-4 years older. I never did fit in with the kids my age, but I grew up in very odd circumstances and am not the norm. I knew what I wanted.


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## SoCaliMommy

It would depend on the guy. But most likely i would allow it.
I dated a guy that was 18 when i was 15. I started dating hubby when i was 17 and he was 21.


----------



## rainbowmoon

I would allow it. I mean come on, how are you going to stop it anyway?







I think a 17yo is practically an adult, so what's the difference? I really seriously hope at 17yo my children will be capable of making that decision for themself though!


----------



## Marsupialmom

My dh is 16 years older than I am. We have talked about this A LOT!!

If the young man is in NO possition of authority of her then we would allow it if he plays by OUR rules.

We know we don't have that much control over a 17 year old. The last thing I want to do is make them feel they need to sneak around.

I was 17 when I graduated high school and moved out of my home. Yes, I had lessons to learn but living life is how you learn them. I just wish I had parents that would have been their for me when I fell on my face.

I did more stupid stuff with teen guys that I did with older men. I found that older men were more affriad to do anything sexual because they were afraid of jail. Not saying there arn't perverts and freaks out there but most men weren't that way. I actually felt a lot less pressure about sex.


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## choli

There was an age gap of at least 3-4 years between every 17 year old girl I knew and her boyfriend when I was that age. There seemed to be a huge difference in maturity between 17 year old girls and boys.

My sister is only 4 years younger than me, but it was the opposite with her crowd. They paired off in high school at around 15 with classmates, and most ended up marrying their high school boyfriend.


----------



## lilyka

depends on the guy . . . . depends on the daughter. but as a general rule I would not have a problem with it. thats not much of an age difference really.


----------



## pauletoy

Well, I got married when I was 17 and DH was almost 21. We had our first baby when I was 27. We've had our ups and downs but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

To be honest, I don't know how a parent would forbid a 17 year old from seeing someone. I know if I had been forbidden from see my DH, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him.

I think that we should raise our children the best we can, give them the tools to make informed decisions for themselves, and be willing to let them make some mistakes. Who knows, the 21 year old may be THE ONE!!!!


----------



## Sunshine94

I only joined this to reply to this thread. I am a 17 year old girl and I am dating a 21 year old guy, He does not pressure me into sex, and I didnt lose my virginity to him. He is the best boyfriend I have had so far, he is very mature but allows me to act childish and be hyper and laugh. He is also very good at looking after me, he is helping me live a healthier life style, incouraging me to reach my goals, making me study and try as hard as I can. He is the perfect boyfriend for me and really makes me work as hard as I can.

The only reason I wanted to say this is because alot of you have said that it is a bad thing, but in my case it is not, he is a wonderful guy and has made my life alot better than it was before, I am happier, healthier (I have lost weight which for me is very good as I am over weight), I have more fun, I am working harder, I do more work around the house and I read alot more than I did before.

Yes I know this isn't the case for all these relationships, but please do not judge so easily, age can be a blessing as well.


----------



## Adaline'sMama

Ziggy,

Well, a 21 year old who was emancipated and has had custody of his siblings is in no way, shape, or form a kid. Does this girl still live with her parents? What do they think about their daughter dating someone who has had the responsibility of caring for his siblings, and has been on his own for more than 4 years?

17 year old in high school and 21 year old in college, no problem. I do think it changes things when you add the fact that you are VERY much and adult in every way possible. The real question isnt should she be allowed to date you, but is it responsible for you to pull someone who is just starting her adult life into your already very adult world?


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## ollyoxenfree

This thread is almost 2 1/2 years old.

That 17 y.o. is now almost 20 years old. I wonder how it turned out for the 17 y.o. who originally inspired the question.


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## Adaline'sMama

Wow. I totally didnt notice that. Now I am curious to know how it turned out.


----------



## purplerose

My daughter is 16 and "engaged" to a 21 year old man. When she was 15 she invited him over while no one else was home. I was livid (as was her father)and she was grounded for 3 months, no phone or computer whatsoever, no going anywhere without us or staying home alone, any friends who came over had to leave their phone in sight and not take it upstairs to the bedroom where my daughter might use it. I completely lost trust in her and she's still not even showing signs of responsibility. I have no idea what a grown man wants to be married to a 15/16 year old for, it totally feels disgusting to me. They've only even met each other 2 or 3 times IRL, and the rest of their time has been spent on the phone and internet chatting. Supposedly when she's 17 she's leaving home to live with him. That's passed on to me by a friend of hers so I didn't hear it directly from her. She doesn't understand what's wrong with a freaking grown man wanting to be with a 15 year old. I was lucky our neighbor called me and asked if she was supposed to have him over when we weren't home. I still wonder if I should have called the police while I was on my way back home. There were so many lies going around my house about this before it blew up. A man should have known being in the house with a 15 year old and no adults was a big no-no but when my husband talked to a policeman, he said there's nothing we can do without proof of sex? Any guys ages 20/21 I've asked have said they definately would not date a girl that young. This guy is "different" and "loves her", just like every other guy in the world lol


----------



## VocalMinority

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Oriole*
> 
> Well... Here is what I have to go by: DP and I met when I was 17, we have 11 years difference. Couldn't have been happier for the past 10 years.
> 
> * he is, handsome, supportive, funny, patient, doesn't mind cooking dinners, is romantic, I would consider that a catch
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * he never pressured me sexually, if it wasn't for his standards, I wouldn't have waited until I was 18.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * he did drink socially, but I never did outside my family (we both have European roots, and neither family would frown upon a teenager having a glass of wine or beer); neither one of us ever been drunk, or driven a car after drinking. He never bought me a drink until I was 21.
> 
> He is the most wonderful dad to his now 15 y.o. daughter who lives with us. And yes, my parents were very cautious about him in the beginning, but they love him now. In fact, my mom calls him "her favorite son in law", and we are not even married (yet)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's very much a US thing to judge a couple by the age (I think). One of my sisters is happily married to someone 9 years older than she is. They have three kids, and as far as I can see, her and her husband fit each other to a T (and not the "trouble" kind).
> 
> So... I can't say I wouldn't be worried, but to tell you the truth, I think I'd be worried no matte who dsd chose to date.


Funny! My husband is 11 years older than I am, too, and I think we're an excellent match for each other. I wish I could remember where, but I read some study that concluded 11 years' age difference is the best bet, in terms of a marriage lasting, as long as the man is the older spouse. I love that statistic!

That said, I think there's *usually* a big difference between couples with a significant age difference who are in their 30's or older; and couples where one is a teen and the other, an adult - or even where one person is in their early twenties and the other person, in their thirties. I think most people, by their 30's, are as mature as they're going to be, and have as solid a sense as they're ever going to have, of who they are, what they want, etc. So, it's not a stretch for 30-somethings and 40-somethings to feel like equals. And there's a good chance neither of them will change dramatically, over time. Whereas, a 17-year-old doesn't have nearly the maturity she will, 10 years from now. And it's quite normal for her to want, expect and tolerate things from her life and relationships that are fundamentally different from what she may want, expect and tolerate, by the time she's 27.

It's *wonderful and romantic* when a teenage girl meets a guy in his twenties and it actually turns out to be a relationship that will stand the test of time. But I think that scenario is *less common* than a scenario where the guy in his twenties is attracted to the teen girl because he's too immature to deal with girls his own age; and dating a younger girl lets him feel like he has the upper-hand in the relationship. When my little sister was 17 and dating a guy in his twenties (behind our parents' backs...), it bothered me, wondering if she was spending that time learning to accept not being treated as an equal by her significant other; when her time might be better-spent honing the skills of maintaining a functional, balanced relationship with someone who *did* think of her as an equal? Of course, my sister "knew what she was doing" and I was just too old and conservative to understand. Until she got to know the guy better and decided I was right.

But IMO, your job isn't to remember how you felt at 17 - or hear what the rest of us felt, or did, at 17 - and make sure your daughter gets the same opportunities. You're supposed to guide and protect her (for a little bit longer, anyway). And I think the chance that a relationship with a 21-year-old guy is something you should protect her from is *greater* than the chance that this guy is her True North, who will marry, have kids and grow old with her. And if he really is? He'll still be around (or he'll come back) when she's too old for you to tell her whom she can date!


----------



## VocalMinority

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pauletoy*
> 
> To be honest, I don't know how a parent would forbid a 17 year old from seeing someone. I know if I had been forbidden from see my DH, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him.


Well, isn't that ALL part of how things are supposed to work?

Parents give the guidance they think is best, based on having more life experience. Kids ultimately figure out their own path, knowing what their parents think, and weighing that, as they make their own decisions. "My parents think I shouldn't be with this guy. Why do they think that? Are they right? If not, why? Am I just with this guy to defy my parents; or is there really something substantive between us? How can I tell?"

It's OK for parents to set guidelines their kids disagree with, as long as it's done thoughtfully and with good intentions, not just to be controlling. Even if the kids wind up bypassing or rejecting those guidelines - or if the parents wind up being wrong - the parents' love and willingness to give the best guidance they can prompts the kids to examine what they do.

If marrying your husband when you were 17 was the right decision, it would have withstood scrutiny from your parents, if they had resisted it.


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## JellyMomma

I'm probably repeating much that has already been said...

At 17 a girl should be able to make her own decisions. When my dd is that age she'll probably be getting ready to go off to college in less than a year. I don't think it's a matter of letting her or not letting her. I would advise her (as I currently do--dd is 14) that if she likes/loves the boy (or girl as the case may be) with both her heart and her head, if he treats her respectfully, if they share similar philosphies about life, if they have fun together but also enjoy spending time apart, then it will probably be a healthy relationship...I would make comments/give advice to help her feel empowered to figure out whether or not he was the right guy for her. It's not my job to figure that out...it's my job to teach her how to figure it out.

dd has a burgeoning relationship that does not meet these criteria and I haven't said too much about it --except to remind her that she will know in her heart and her head if he is the "right" boy for her at this time in her life. She's starting to realize on her own that the kid is a jerk. If I had started out by saying "I won't allow you to date him --he's a loud, disrespectful a$$" it would not have furthered my cause. As it is he's just gone away to camp and she says it's so nice to get a break from him. They're going to different high schools so I see the relationship quickly fizzling out without my help.


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## SuburbanHippie

Holy old thread, batman! I wonder how this turned out...

I was 17 and dating a 21 year old. I got pregnant shortly after I turned 18. Not the greatest idea.


----------



## Linda on the move

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SuburbanHippie*
> 
> Holy old thread, batman! I wonder how this turned out...
> 
> I was 17 and dating a 21 year old. I got pregnant shortly after I turned 18. Not the greatest idea.


Is there anything your parents could have said or done that would have been helpful to you?

I'd really like to steer my kids toward making choices that will make them happy, rather than ones that will make life more difficult for them.


----------



## choli

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
> Actually, I find it fascinating that the assumption on this thread, as I read it, is that the 17yo is a female and the 21yo is a male. Not the reverse, and not same sex.
> 
> I'm surprised that so many people assume that the 17 is some how incapable of making mature choices.


Doesn't surprise me on a thread where the 21 yr old is being described as a kid. Americans seem to like to infantize even their adult children.


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## KaylaBeanie

As long as we're talking about two decent people, I like to think I'd be okay with whatever is legal, meaning that the 21 year old and 17 year old would be in the clear.

When I was 14, my best friend was a 17 year old guy. It wasn't creepy, and if I hadn't moved we would have started dating when I was 15 and he was 18 (15 was my "allowed" dating age). I worked 25 hours a week through high school, graduated and started college at age 17. I ended up not dating until college, but I can promise you, I had way more in common with 21 year olds than 17 year olds.

I'm young, only 22, so maybe I'll get old fashioned as I get older...I sincerely hope not. As it is, college is really just an extension of high school, I don't see a whole lot of difference between the two groups. Pretty much everyone I knew at 17 drank to some extent and had sex. I forgot to quote, but I also don't like the assumption that young adult males are horny toads and females are innocent flowers waiting to be corrupted.

I do realize that this thread is old, haha...hope it all turned out ok!


----------



## Chloe'sMama

Well, I didn't read all the post, but DH was 20 and I was 17 when we started dating.... We are now married (got married when I was 21) and we now have 2 daughters. It was not always easy, but he is the love of my life.

I don't think I would let my barely 17 year old date anyone older than 20. I was 17 and a half and he was just 20. I don't think I would be comfortable with it, but I did it and it all turned out ok.


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## JudiAU

As someone who did it, first with my paren'ts permssion and then later, without it, I would say no way now how ever. I think honestly you have to ask why a 21 year old wants to date a 17 year old. Usually it is about control, manipulation, and pressure.

Seriously, it was a bad bad time in my life and my parents still don't know the half of it and I am almost 40!


----------



## Storm Bride

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JudiAU*
> 
> As someone who did it, first with my paren'ts permssion and then later, without it, I would say no way now how ever. I think honestly you have to ask why a 21 year old wants to date a 17 year old. Usually it is about control, manipulation, and pressure.
> 
> That really depends on the 21 year old and 17 year old in question. I've met 17 year olds who are more mature than a lot of 21 year olds. I've met 21 year olds who are less mature than almost any 17 year old I've ever met. It really depends on the individuals. And, fwiw, the only person I was ever involved with as a teen who ended up being manipulative wasmy ex-husband, who was a year and a half younger than me! (I met him when I was 16. The guys I'd dated before we met ranged from my own age to one 25 year old. The latter was, btw, one of the most immature individuals I've ever met. Looking back, he was dating teenagers, because they were at about the same level of maturity that he was at, not because he was a control freak.)


----------



## choli

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JudiAU*
> 
> As someone who did it, first with my paren'ts permssion and then later, without it, I would say no way now how ever. I think honestly you have to ask why a 21 year old wants to date a 17 year old. Usually it is about control, manipulation, and pressure.
> 
> Seriously, it was a bad bad time in my life and my parents still don't know the half of it and I am almost 40!


Why do you have to ask why? Do we have such contempt for teenagers that we can't imagine someone wanting to date them because they like the individual a lot and find them attractive?


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## purplerose

When the teenager is barely 15 and there is an almost-21 year old man interested in dating her, I certainly do wonder why. This was something we've had to deal with. No 20 year old guy we know would want to date a 15 year old, and we did ask around.


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## mommy68

I wouldn't allow it but that doesn't mean my child wouldn't date someone older and hide it behind my back. But nope, they won't do it in front of my face.


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## Sherrie1974

My dd is 15 and her bf is 16 so they don't have that big of an age gap. However I would be more considered about the kid more than the age. If I liked the boy and he was 4 yrs older I think I would be ok with that.


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## flightgoddess

Hmm, depends...and I was pretty close to that age gap with my husband (obviously then boyfriend). I was 17, a senior, and he was 20, in college (3rd year of 5 years), and had a job. If he wasn't in school and working, I'm sure my parents would have had a different opinion about it. And there was no staying over at each other's college/dorm until I was 'on my own' in college the next year. I hadn't had many boyfriends before that, so our relationship was pretty slow/PG while I was still in high school, and well, he was at college like an hour away most of the time, so we did a lot of talking/chatting and weekends.

So, just thinking from my parent's perspective and now being a (young) parent, but thinking of what I would do...if the guy is in college, working etc, AND my daughter was a senior in HS responsible, practical, respects curfew and rules, etc (ie NO rebellion issues that would scare the hell out of me) then maybe I will be supportive/approve. If she was a JR, then maybe not...


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## UnschoolnMa

*Yes. I did. And they are still together at this point.  The drinking thing is a so whatter for us, as we tend to see the drinking law as pretty silly.*


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## SEAS

Does it make any difference if the 21 year old is the girl and the 17 year old is the boy?


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## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> I would. But then I was living with a 20 yo when I was 17.
> 
> As for the dating someone your age or younger is so immature bit, are you sure these girls don't mean that the guy is so immature? Cause to be honest, 17 yo guys can be pretty immature at times.
> 
> Quote:
> 
> _ dating someone that much younger than you may mean he's NOT a catch
> 
> _he may put pressure on her to be sexually active before she's ready
> 
> _he may be drinking socially, teens can't do that
> Well aside from the first one... that can be said about _any_ guy, be he 21, 51 or 17.
> 
> As for the first one. *Um, it's four years. Not that big of an age difference really. If he were 34 and she were 30 would you be saying "Dating someone that much younger then you may mean he is NOT a catch"? Same age difference.*


The only problem I see with your comparison here MD is that 17-21 is a much larger gap maturity wise than 30-34 is. 17yo teens (girl or boy) are, generally speaking (this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 17yo's), still living at home and dependent on their parents for things like a roof over their head, a car, gas money, food, clothing etc. 21yo's are generally speaking still many of those, but in college (again, this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 21yo's).

Thats all fine, but there is generally pressure on teens to grow up faster, become more independent, "Act grown up" (whatever that means), etc. A 17yo with a 21yo girl/boyfriend, is more likely to use that to feel more grown up, or to gain more independence. A 17yo is less likely to have their own car than a 21yo for example, and more likely to have a curfew - this creates a power imbalance between the 17yo and the 21yo girl/boyfriend, which is unhealthy at best, and dangerous at worst.

The same cannot be said for most 30yo women with 34yo boyfriends - most 30yo's are financially independent (not all of course), own their own car, have their own lives - so the power imbalance isn't as likely to be there. The maturity gap between a 30yo and 34yo is much less present, if its present at all. I really hate the argument that the same age gap later in life doesn't matter, so it doesn't matter when people are young either. That could be used to argue that a 12yo should be able to date a 24yo - because you know, a 40yo dating a 52yo isn't so bad.

I don't have a problem with age gaps in dating, but no teen of mine will ever date anyone that much older than they are until they are no longer living under my roof (or they turn 18 and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore anyway).


----------



## sharon71

Our rule is nobody more than 2.5 yrs older until they are 18.


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## Imakcerka

I have a friend who with her parents permission was legally allowed to join them military. I would pick an older boyfriend rather than allow her to join the military. That's just me. However I have dating rules already planned out in my head.


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## KateDavies45

Having not ready anything but the first post yet, I guess I'd like to chime in with personal experiance (Mine, not my daughters)

At 17 I graduated early from charter school, had a full time job half way across town, (with no car, I was responsible for getting myself there and back 6days a week) and started college part time at the local community college. I met a guy there, and we started hanging out together AS FRIENDS NOTHING MORE. I did not ask his age, I figured him to be around my age maybe a year or two older. He was sweet and funny and the nicest person I had ever met. He never pressured me to be anything more than friends tho. A year later I finally got up the courage to ask him out ( what can I say, even tho we'd known each other for a while I was a shy person by nature) and we started going out. My mother liked him and was surprized that she liked him, and at one point offhandedly asked him about his age. I came to find out that he was almost 11 yrs my senior! (he had spent 7yrs active duty in the navy right out of high school which was why he was just starting college) but at that point it didn't really seem weird to anyone...he was still him, we just knew he was older. We celebrated our third wedding aniversary last month.... I'm not saying that an age gap is nessessarily a good thing, or that it's okay for every situation. I'm saying that you should take the individual people into consideration not just their ages. How mature is your 17yr? What kind of experiance does she have? Is she going to be comfortable standing up for herself if he wants more than she's ready for? What is the 21yro BF's personality? Is he responsible? Is it a healthy balanced relationship? I think age can make a difference but it's not the most important thing. It all depends on the people and the situation at the time.


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## VoiceOfThePeopl

You are CRAZY...a 17 year old girl is probably a senior or junior (11th or 12th grade). A 21 year old either did not stay in college or is a senior or junior in college. College and high school are world's apart and if a junior or senior in college is still interested in a junior or senior in high school...something doesn't add up. Now a 18 yr old freshman with a senior in college?...at least they have college in common....But more importantly...the junior or senior girl in high school is now latched onto a college kid or working kid....girls this age need guys their age at the same school..I know what you're thinking...that can't happen for everyone...but that should be the goal.


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## VoiceOfThePeopl

Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this...but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.


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## Apples12

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VoiceOfThePeopl*
> 
> Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this...but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.


Have you ever discussed any of the above with your daughter? Maybe she will listen to you and take into account what you have to say.


----------



## Storm Bride

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VoiceOfThePeopl*
> 
> Yeah well I am the youngest of 6 in my family everyone of my siblings were married at 19 or 20...all of them have been divorced. I waited until I was 27 and now have been married 27 years. THere are more stories like my family's (where the divorce rate is extremely high for young people getting married) than the other way around. In my case, my daughter is 17 and a senior at a high school this guy is 21 and a senior in college over 4 hours away. She met him at a party. *I am going to see to it that nothing comes of this.*..but I have to play my cards smartly. It's a huge crush and now this jeopardizes her having a boyfriend her senior year and may lead to no date at prom time...it's a giant waste of time...So any tips on how to squash it would be appreciated.


I have no tips on how to squash it. But, I have to say that I have never seen a parent successfully ensure that "nothing comes of this" in a situation like you describe. The parents I've seen try it have mostly ended up with a daughter more firmly fixated on the guy in question than they were in the first place.

And, really - it's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a date at prom.


----------



## Linda on the move

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> But, I have to say that I have never seen a parent successfully ensure that "nothing comes of this" in a situation like you describe. The parents I've seen try it have mostly ended up with a daughter more firmly fixated on the guy in question than they were in the first place.
> 
> And, really - it's not the end of the world if she doesn't have a date at prom.


yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."

Why can't the guy she likes take her to prom? To me, it seems having a boyfriend, regardless of his age, is a sure way of having a prom date, if that is a big goal.

(It wouldn't be a big goal for me for my kid)


----------



## Imakcerka

Most schools don't allow anyone who has graduated to go to prom.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."
> 
> Why can't the guy she likes take her to prom? To me, it seems having a boyfriend, regardless of his age, is a sure way of having a prom date, if that is a big goal.
> 
> (It wouldn't be a big goal for me for my kid)


----------



## sharon71

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VoiceOfThePeopl*
> 
> You are CRAZY...a 17 year old girl is probably a senior or junior (11th or 12th grade). A 21 year old either did not stay in college or is a senior or junior in college. College and high school are world's apart and if a junior or senior in college is still interested in a junior or senior in high school...something doesn't add up. Now a 18 yr old freshman with a senior in college?...at least they have college in common....But more importantly...the junior or senior girl in high school is now latched onto a college kid or working kid....girls this age need guys their age at the same school..I know what you're thinking...that can't happen for everyone...but that should be the goal.


I don't think it's very nice to call her crazy.


----------



## JenniLove

My partner and I have been together since he was 16 and I was 21. Age shouldn't be an issue soo much as maturity level for sure!


----------



## dogmom327

I just asked DH out of curiosity (keep in mind DD is only 2 but we are only in our 30's so I guess that age wasn't too long ago and we started dating when I was 18 and he was 20).

Me: How would you feel if when Marley was 17 she wanted to date a 21 year old guy?

DH: Isn't that statutory?

Me: Not in most states.

DH: Well then we'd find a state where it was and move there.










He went on to explain that he thinks it would be pretty rare for a good guy to actually at that age to be truly interested in a 17 year old.


----------



## Cyllya

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VoiceOfThePeopl*
> 
> You are CRAZY...a 17 year old girl is probably a senior or junior (11th or 12th grade). A 21 year old either did not stay in college or is a senior or junior in college. College and high school are world's apart and if a junior or senior in college is still interested in a junior or senior in high school...something doesn't add up. Now a 18 yr old freshman with a senior in college?...at least they have college in common....But more importantly...the junior or senior girl in high school is now latched onto a college kid or working kid....girls this age need guys their age at the same school..I know what you're thinking...that can't happen for everyone...but that should be the goal.


...WHAT?! I was still 17 when I started college! (But if my mom had agreed to one of the grade skips my elementary school had suggested, I would have started college at 16.) For various reasons, my beloved fiance had to start college a bit older than me. I believe he would have been 25 at the time, but he and I started college the exact same day. We didn't meet until a year later, but that was a coincidence that had nothing to do with his age.

Why is it a goal that a girl should have a guy at the same age and same school? What are the advantages of that? I think both of those are actually bad things. At that point in time, I think having a boyfriend the same age is often a bad thing. Not so bad at an older age, e.g. you're both well into adulthood, but as a teenager...?

Plus, not everyone who's attending school has their life revolve entirely around school to such a degree that they can't possibly have anything in common with someone not attending a similar school. (I didn't and I hope my kids don't.)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> The only problem I see with your comparison here MD is that 17-21 is a much larger gap maturity wise than 30-34 is. 17yo teens (girl or boy) are, generally speaking (this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 17yo's), still living at home and dependent on their parents for things like a roof over their head, a car, gas money, food, clothing etc. 21yo's are generally speaking still many of those, but in college (again, this obviously doesn't apply to ALL 21yo's).
> 
> Thats all fine, but there is generally pressure on teens to grow up faster, become more independent, "Act grown up" (whatever that means), etc. A 17yo with a 21yo girl/boyfriend, is more likely to use that to feel more grown up, or to gain more independence. A 17yo is less likely to have their own car than a 21yo for example, and more likely to have a curfew - this creates a power imbalance between the 17yo and the 21yo girl/boyfriend, which is unhealthy at best, and dangerous at worst.
> 
> The same cannot be said for most 30yo women with 34yo boyfriends - most 30yo's are financially independent (not all of course), own their own car, have their own lives - so the power imbalance isn't as likely to be there. The maturity gap between a 30yo and 34yo is much less present, if its present at all. I really hate the argument that the same age gap later in life doesn't matter, so it doesn't matter when people are young either. That could be used to argue that a 12yo should be able to date a 24yo - because you know, a 40yo dating a 52yo isn't so bad.
> 
> I don't have a problem with age gaps in dating, but no teen of mine will ever date anyone that much older than they are until they are no longer living under my roof (or they turn 18 and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore anyway).


We all agree that we want our kids to stay out of relationships where there's a significant power imbalance, but as you frequently pointed out in parantheses, those things are only loosely correlated with age. So why forbid relationships based on age instead of on those elements of power? I mean, cars were one of the examples you gave. I can see why things like having a car is an element of power, but does it really make sense to tell your kid, "You can't date this person because OTHER PEOPLE HIS AGE have a car"? But then again, even if he does have car... would you forbid your 17-year-old kid from dating another 17-year-old kid who had a car? What if your 17-year-old has a car? Most 17-year-olds can drive, even if they do have to borrow their parents' car.

If I may make a sexist generalization here... my experience suggests that girls *tend to* reach any particular emotional maturity milestone at an earlier age than boys do. They just lose that childhood rambunctiousness sooner. On average. So I think there's likely going to be LESS of a maturity gap in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 21-year-old guy than in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 17-year-old guy.

I think being under 18 (and especially under the age of consent) would also make it a lot easier for the younger person in the relationship to avoid being pressured into sex. Empathetic overly kind people can worry about hurting their partner's feelings. How much easier would it be if you could say, "I'm not ready... plus, it's illegal, remember?"

Quote:


> Me: How would you feel if when Marley was 17 she wanted to date a 21 year old guy?
> 
> DH: Isn't that statutory?
> 
> Me: Not in most states.
> 
> DH: Well then we'd find a state where it was and move there.


I'm pretty sure it's only statutory anything if they're having sex, regardless of state.


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## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> If I may make a sexist generalization here... my experience suggests that girls *tend to* reach any particular emotional maturity milestone at an earlier age than boys do. They just lose that childhood rambunctiousness sooner. On average. So I think there's likely going to be LESS of a maturity gap in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 21-year-old guy than in a relationship between a 17-year-old girl and a 17-year-old guy.
> 
> I think being under 18 (and especially under the age of consent) would also make it a lot easier for the younger person in the relationship to avoid being pressured into sex. Empathetic overly kind people can worry about hurting their partner's feelings. How much easier would it be if you could say, *"I'm not ready... plus, it's illegal, remember?"*


"No will ever know!" "It's ok, I love you, remember?" "They will only know if you tell, which you don't want to do, right?"

Do you really think its that easy to back out of sex? It SHOULD be easier, but its not when there is a power imbalance.


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## Storm Bride

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> "No will ever know!" "It's ok, I love you, remember?" "They will only know if you tell, which you don't want to do, right?"
> 
> Do you really think its that easy to back out of sex? It SHOULD be easier, but its not when there is a power imbalance.


I dated a couple of older guys. However, the only times the above type of scenario played out in my life were with guys my own age, or even younger. Different people have different views on these things, but I never felt a power imbalance between me and a guy, just because he had a car, or a job, or whatever.

In any case, backing out of sex with an older boyfriend is going to have a lot more to do with a person's personality, upbringing and specific relationship dynamics than with whether or not the parents came down on the relationship in the first place. Honestly, I can't really see how telling a girl that her relationship/sexual decisions are up to someone else to make on her behalf is going to equip her to make them herself.


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## stik

Among the things I would worry about is the possibility that if a teenager is told that a relationship is "inappropriate" and that they are not permitted to engage with that person who their parents deem inappropriate, the relationship is unlikely to end, but the teenager can no longer turn to his or her parents for help if something goes wrong in the relationship.

I'm not comfortable with the idea of one of my dds dating a 21-year-old at age 17. But if the situation came up, the most important thing would be keeping the door open to discussion about what was going on in her life and, to the extent that a 17-year-old will allow, in her thoughts. I would probably try to pack her schedule with a lot of family activities, and I would probably invite her partner along on a number of those so I could assess the dynamics between them.


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## Mom31

I wanted to chime in here- I was a 17 year old who had a 24 year old boyfriend and was with him for 3 years. It ruined my last two years in high school and I regret it. I don't know what you can do to squash it cause the more you try to forbid it the more you are going to push her to sneak around- that whats I did at first.

I would invite him to your home and get to know him. Let her know if she wants to see him- 60% of their time together needs to be in your home- explain this to him when he is over. Have your hubby talk to him- let him be the one to break it off. He won't want to deal with this I bet... and if he does maybe he is not that bad. I understand your concerns and you should be concerned.


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## TranquilMind

I had a 23 year old boyfriend when I was 17. My parents offered no advice on my dating whatsoever. I actually wish my Mom WOULD have ever offered an opinion. But she was a "stay out of your business" Mom, and we really did get along great. I should be a Mom like that.

At any rate, 17 is nearly an adult. There isn't much you can do. Like the saying goes, hold your friends close and your enemies closer. Get to know the boy at your home, if possible. He will reveal himself as either a great person or a jerk over time, and your daughter will be watching.


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## TranquilMind

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> yes -- the more parent try to squash it, the more fixated on the relationship the teen becomes. I wonder if teens get to a point where they KNOW the relationship is a dead end, but continue it in rather than letting their parents "win."


There is some real truth here. You've said a mouthful. I have a 15.5 year old. I get it.


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## littlest birds

It depends, but yes. I am in that situation right now. My dd was in a serious downward spiral. When she was 14 and chasing an 18yo who was into drugs and he was a terrible influence, I fought it like her life depended on it. She has damaged her life and herself a lot in the past 3 years since then. But in the past 6 months she has turned into a completely different positive person, she doesn't get abusive with me, she participates in family activities, she's fun to be around and relaxed and happy instead of emotionally volatile, and she has taken responsibility for a lot things she used to never be able to. It's been remarkable and wonderful to see. She and her BF were friends for several months and are now in a serious relationship. He is not the perfect ideal person but he has a positive personality and has been a positive influence anyhow. I do spend some time with him and feel comfortable with him. He is young for his age but clearly a good person IYKWIM.

I don't know how things will turn out but this young man has been an instrumental part of my daughter's life while she recovered from being self-destructive and full of hate for everyone and everything around her. He might have saved her life on some level. (And FWIW when I use that language I want you to understand my dd is not a passive and dependent personality and she is one among her friends who has walked away from her past relationships proud and tall and usually friends with her exes, not broken.)

He clearly loves her, she clearly is happy with herself, and they nourish each other's spirits. I know that I would be in the wrong to try to get in the way, quite frankly. My dd will be 18 in 6 months. I have acted as shelter and support and wisdom in so many ways as she has recovered and watched her become ready for adulthood despite the damage she has done herself. If I stepped in the way of her relationship I would do much much more harm than good. I am happy to see her finally happy after years of misery. Parental control of a 17yo is extremely selective and cautious. I have a lot of influence and my daughter finally respects me for real after a few years of spitting in my face (figuratively) every time I entered her presence and worse. I respect her too. We have our differences but I respect her choice and I respect her relationship no matter what judgmental thought I sometimes have.

For a different child with a different history with a different person for the boyfriend, I might very well have chosen differently, though. I would encourage every parent in this situation to consider carefully what this love means and how it may be an important passage in a young person's life and just have an open mind and heart while making the best decision you can about where to stand.


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## hilarye

I was 17 when I met my current Dp who was 24. In my case, I would have wanted nothing to do with him if I'd met him any younger. He was a bit wild in his late teens/ early 20's. He has always been good to me, never pressured me or manipulated me into anything and as far as sex goes I was the one pushing. I'm now 20 and we have a beautiful son and perfectly healthy relationship. I can't say that I would definitely let my 17 year old date a 21 year old but it would be fully dependant on his character as a person and have nothing to do with age.


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## alittlesandy

I met DH when I was sixteen and he was nineteen. We were friends for a year, but there was obvious sexual tension between us. He was very nice to me and I was madly in love with him, lol. When I was seventeen and he was twenty we started dating. It was his idea to wait for a year until I was eighteen before having sex. We've been together since, for 25 years now. We have a son and I'm pregnant with our second (a daughter). He is a wonderful father. My parents were not thrilled about the situation for the first few years, but now they love him more than me, lol.


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## shannon gardner

ok for the parent that said they would allow her daughter to date a 21 year old... well you sound so very awesome... u should adopt me


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## Johana

*Why*

First thing off. Have you met the guy? Has he had straight forward conversation with you about your daughter? If not then don't try to fuck up their relationship. Cause if you do your daughter will turn that against you and it might mess up your relationship now and also in the near future. See parent forget to realize this not the old school this is the new school. People change, people are still as vigorous but if your daughter pray for a good man and that man is faithful then you should not worry. Trust me cause I was in the same situation with your daughter but my boyfriend has came to see my parents they told him to wait until im 19 to come back. I am now 22 yr. old We still together now and forever will. Cause he was honest to my parents and those two years that my parents set up was slap in their faces cause he meant what he say. So I say this. Your daughter smart and if she knows having sex with this man is a straight up no no and if he pressure her into trying it all she has to do is tell him get the steppin. Cause sex is a sacred thing between man and woman, BUT I know it value little now and days, but still if he said he understand that she not ready for that sort of thing and she want to wait and he committed to her. Then the hell with your doubts. Try build a relationship with the guy and your daughter and put your cards on the table. Then everything should be fine.


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