# I've Failed as a GD Parent



## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Where to start? My children don't listen to me. I yell too much and I'm not always willing or able to enforce my requests. Many of them turn into power struggles despite my conviction that those are best avoided. I don't spank. I will not spank, although I keep wondering if I need to. I was a great GD mom when I only had one child, but now I have four children under five and I feel like a complete failure. I don't know how to fix it, or even if I can.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Since you acknowledge that you were a great GD'er to one child, it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, and not like you are unable to GD or are failing. I would imagine that having 4 young ones like you do would be very challenging. I only have 2 and it is harder to stay patient, gentle and calm than with one.

I would strongly discourage you from resorting to hitting. It sounds like you are firm on not doing that but maybe you are questioning it a bit? Are there certain situations that you are having the most trouble with? Maybe sharing more details can enable some of us to offer GD approaches.

Also, are you getting enough "you" time to re-fuel? I would try to make that a priority if at all possible. I know that, for me, the GD reserves need to be re-filled periodically.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

i have only 3 little ones and i struggle sometimes 4 must be very busy

i think having a vague structure helps us and also trying to have an idea of what we are doing the next day organised in the evening the day before










sorry not much help but little one is getting tired and needs to go to bed


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

It has taken me months to get even close to the way I would like to parent, and I only have two. I think you're supposed to feel like a failure for a while, then gradually your parenting gets better, one baby step at a time.

Also, four little ones?! No one can be patient all the time, especially with four little ones to take care of. Just keep trying, and allow yourself to be human and make mistakes.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I just read your siggy and noted the ages of your babies. Good grief! No wonder you are yelling! Take it easy on yourself -- you have a very tough job.

Three and four year olds are notorious for being challenging, and I would not expect a kid that age to listen well. Not to mention 3 of them all at once, working each other up, no doubt! A wild household at this point in your parenting journey does *not* indicate a parenting failure. Please! You are in a place where you just do what works, muddle through each day, and try to make sure your teeth get brushed, kwim? Nobody should be expecting model children from you, or a quiet organized household.

I have a friend with 3 children under 4 and she was telling me about how she lets them fall asleep watching TV in their room, and how she tells them Santa won't bring presents if they don't behave. My first thought was to feel disgusted and judgemental. But right on the heels of that thought was the realization that having 3 children under 4 is *exhausting* hard work, and she is amazing for keeping her cool and being mostly gentle with them. And if anyone on earth is allowed to resort to bribery now and then, or TV in bed... it is this mama. Its easy for mamas like me, with 2 kids who are 4 years apart, to set high standards. But sometimes we don't know what we are talking about!!!

Do you have enough help? Can you get more help? A 10 or 12 year old maybe? To play with the older kids each day?

The only way you will reduce your yelling and tension is to work on getting your needs met. Finding ways to sleep more, eat right, and have a little peace now and then. You are no different than a child in that way -- your bad behavior stems from unmet needs, kwim?

Good luck! Please don't write yourself off as a failure this early in the game, okay?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Hi,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm convinced that GD is twice as hard as spanking at times because it requires so much forethought and planning. And with 4 under 5, when on earth are you goinig to get time for that?

First, have you been screened for Postpartum Depression? You have 4 children very close together (= lots of stress) and stress is a major contributor to PPD, especially since you just had a little one. I had PPD with my first, and I've "hung out" with a lot of moms online who do. "I feel like a complete failure" is a big red flag for me.
Take this quiz and see:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141

Second, what's ONE thing that's driving you nuts that you'd like to work on? I find that when I'm overwhelmed I want to "fix it all" right away. And I can't, of course, and so I feel MORE overwhelmed. If I back off and decide on the one or two things that are driving me nuts and work on those, things get better slowly. I find it really helpful to post about those one or two specific things, and then I can get specific feedback and ideas.

Third, I agree with the pp -- what kind of help do you have (this is actually related to my first question). Where's your time to relax? take a bath? go for a walk without having to corral 3 kids and push a stroller? It doesn't need to be long, but you do need time to refuel. Otherwise you don't have any energy left for your children. My kids are surprisingly better behaved when I'm less stressed.









Hang in there -- keep us posted. There are a lot of great parents on this board and they give great ideas.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Analisa-







I only have hugs and support to send you. I have two, 2 1/2 years apart, and I struggle every single day. I don't know how you do it with four. I would agree with Mamaduck-some days, it's okay to set the bar a little lower. Heck, maybe some months! I am yeller, and I am working in this, but I have strayed from my good GD intentions since having my second almost two years ago. I don't spank, and won't. And I don't feel that that would make any difference. But my kids don't really listen to me, either. I feel like a failure on a deep level many, many days. All I can say is that mothering is hard, hard work. Hang in there. And do try to get some of your own needs met, even the little ones that you think aren't huge, like getting a shower every day. Maybe a walk by yourself-not every day, but can you do 2x/week? I am working on getting more of my own needs met and changing the dynamic in my home. My best to you.


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## annarosa (Aug 30, 2004)

you know GD is not about getting it right all the time - I think it's more about trying to get it right and then when it doesn't work out getting ideas, support and re-analysing what we are doing ..........so really try to focus on the things that you know you have done well and this may help you not to get demoralised
you know GDis worth it - keep going and keep positive
hugs to you


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## MaryLang (Jun 18, 2004)

You have not failed. You sound way better off than myself. I have 3 under the age of 3-oldest is just 2 1/2. And I am ashamed to say that I have spanked a few times, it was only when they were repeating something very dangerous, I didn't want to end up in the ER, but of course there is no real excuse. Sometimes it is so hard to chase around two toddlers all day and try to fit in ANY relaxing nursing time with the baby. I never get to just sit and nurse her without jumping up every two minutes, because they are doing something they shouldn't as they try to get my attention away from the baby. I don't know how you do it with twins, you sound like a great mom.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Thank you all so much. Here are some super-quick replies and I'll be back soon for more. I scored 70 on the PPD quiz. My DH was laid off in May. I started working 10 hours a week recently. There just isn't enough time in the day for us both to get enough sleep, do our jobs (him to job hunt), cook, clean, take care of kids, and have time for ourselves. I'll tell you how I prioritize when I come back, but I'm not doing a very good job of it.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peacelovingmama*
Also, are you getting enough "you" time to re-fuel? I would try to make that a priority if at all possible. I know that, for me, the GD reserves need to be re-filled periodically.

Between taking care of four under five, working part-time, nursing a baby all night, & a DH who is job-hunting & has insomnia, there *is* no me time. It's just not possible right now.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megs Mom*
Thank you all so much. Here are some super-quick replies and I'll be back soon for more. I scored 70 on the PPD quiz.

*
Please, PLEASE go see your doctor about this.* 70 is SEVERE PPD







: -- and it's not healthy for you, or for your family to have you suffering like this. Research has shown that severe PPD just doesn't go away on it's own - counseling, and if warranted, medications, can and do help.

Second, I hate to haul this out, but what is your dh doing? Yes, he's job hunting -- hopefully 40 hours a week. What is he doing the rest of the time? Why isn't he cooking and cleaning WITH YOU? And by the way, has HE been screened for depression? (Insomnia is a major red flag for that too.)

When you have major stressors in your life, it's time to step back and reassess how the family is run. It sounds to me like you are doing most of it, and that's not good.

I know you don't have "time" for me time, but in order to regain your mental health you may have to MAKE time -- time to see a counselor (either you alone, or with dh), time to get just a bit of energy back. Time to see a doctor. If you had pneumonia, your family would adjust.

Leave your 4 kids home with dh for half an hour 2 x a week and go for a walk. Don't come straight home from work, stop and walk. This is not an "option" is CRUCIAL for your health and the health of your family.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck*
I just read your siggy and noted the ages of your babies. Good grief! No wonder you are yelling! Take it easy on yourself -- you have a very tough job.

Three and four year olds are notorious for being challenging, and I would not expect a kid that age to listen well. Not to mention 3 of them all at once, working each other up, no doubt! A wild household at this point in your parenting journey does *not* indicate a parenting failure. Please! You are in a place where you just do what works, muddle through each day, and try to make sure your teeth get brushed, kwim? Nobody should be expecting model children from you, or a quiet organized household.

I have a friend with 3 children under 4 and she was telling me about how she lets them fall asleep watching TV in their room, and how she tells them Santa won't bring presents if they don't behave. My first thought was to feel disgusted and judgemental. But right on the heels of that thought was the realization that having 3 children under 4 is *exhausting* hard work, and she is amazing for keeping her cool and being mostly gentle with them. And if anyone on earth is allowed to resort to bribery now and then, or TV in bed... it is this mama. Its easy for mamas like me, with 2 kids who are 4 years apart, to set high standards. But sometimes we don't know what we are talking about!!!

Do you have enough help? Can you get more help? A 10 or 12 year old maybe? To play with the older kids each day?

The only way you will reduce your yelling and tension is to work on getting your needs met. Finding ways to sleep more, eat right, and have a little peace now and then. You are no different than a child in that way -- your bad behavior stems from unmet needs, kwim?

Good luck! Please don't write yourself off as a failure this early in the game, okay?

Thank you for every word of this. As far as getting my needs met, see my last post.

I tried to get the neighbor girl to come over and play when she was 12, once a week - but she was too busy! Not many kids that age around here and no family anywhere near us. An idea just occurred to me for when school starts. I wonder if any of the middle schools around here have community service requirements, and if playing with my kids would count?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

What about your church? Do they have a youth group? They should consider playing with kids part of service! (And hey, it's also a great indirect plug for not having kids too young!)

Or are there other people at your church? Does your church do Steven Ministers? They might help. Sometimes there are retired women who are still young enough to hep that might jump at the chance to give you a hand. You can pay it forward when you're out of this rough patch.

The ironic thing is that what you need now is just a bit of time to tend to yourself -- but that takes time to arrange, which you don't have!

Now is not the time to be shy about asking for help. Reach out to anyone and everyone you know. They will be happy to help.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
Hi,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'm convinced that GD is twice as hard as spanking at times because it requires so much forethought and planning. And with 4 under 5, when on earth are you goinig to get time for that?

First, have you been screened for Postpartum Depression? You have 4 children very close together (= lots of stress) and stress is a major contributor to PPD, especially since you just had a little one. I had PPD with my first, and I've "hung out" with a lot of moms online who do. "I feel like a complete failure" is a big red flag for me.
Take this quiz and see:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141

Second, what's ONE thing that's driving you nuts that you'd like to work on? I find that when I'm overwhelmed I want to "fix it all" right away. And I can't, of course, and so I feel MORE overwhelmed. If I back off and decide on the one or two things that are driving me nuts and work on those, things get better slowly. I find it really helpful to post about those one or two specific things, and then I can get specific feedback and ideas.

Third, I agree with the pp -- what kind of help do you have (this is actually related to my first question). Where's your time to relax? take a bath? go for a walk without having to corral 3 kids and push a stroller? It doesn't need to be long, but you do need time to refuel. Otherwise you don't have any energy left for your children. My kids are surprisingly better behaved when I'm less stressed.









Hang in there -- keep us posted. There are a lot of great parents on this board and they give great ideas.

Also, thank you so much. I love the idea of picking one or two things to work on - I do it with my own self-improvement all the time, but hadn't thought to apply it to my parenting!

I would love to take a bath or walk on the treadmill (I read while I do both) or read in bed again. I guess I miss reading! There's just no time right now.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaryLang*
You have not failed. You sound way better off than myself. I have 3 under the age of 3-oldest is just 2 1/2. And I am ashamed to say that I have spanked a few times, it was only when they were repeating something very dangerous, I didn't want to end up in the ER, but of course there is no real excuse. Sometimes it is so hard to chase around two toddlers all day and try to fit in ANY relaxing nursing time with the baby. I never get to just sit and nurse her without jumping up every two minutes, because they are doing something they shouldn't as they try to get my attention away from the baby. I don't know how you do it with twins, you sound like a great mom.

Thank you. I am currently in my second year of having 3 under 3. I have my house super childproofed. I rarely interrupt nursing the baby. Also, although she is a lot of work my four year old can be helpful with the twins as well.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
*
Please, PLEASE go see your doctor about this.* 70 is SEVERE PPD







: -- and it's not healthy for you, or for your family to have you suffering like this. Research has shown that severe PPD just doesn't go away on it's own - counseling, and if warranted, medications, can and do help.

Second, I hate to haul this out, but what is your dh doing? Yes, he's job hunting -- hopefully 40 hours a week. What is he doing the rest of the time? Why isn't he cooking and cleaning WITH YOU? And by the way, has HE been screened for depression? (Insomnia is a major red flag for that too.)

When you have major stressors in your life, it's time to step back and reassess how the family is run. It sounds to me like you are doing most of it, and that's not good.

I know you don't have "time" for me time, but in order to regain your mental health you may have to MAKE time -- time to see a counselor (either you alone, or with dh), time to get just a bit of energy back. Time to see a doctor. If you had pneumonia, your family would adjust.

Leave your 4 kids home with dh for half an hour 2 x a week and go for a walk. Don't come straight home from work, stop and walk. This is not an "option" is CRUCIAL for your health and the health of your family.

OK. I've been suspecting I'm depressed but just not wanting to go there, I guess. I have a history of depression and OCD. I've been on meds since 1998. Can they stop working? I was seeing a therapist until DH was laid off and then I stopped to save money. Now he is in a temporary job and I have an appt. to see her in a couple of weeks (she comes to my house, thank goodness, and I don't have to find child care).

DH is wonderful with the kids. He also picks up around the house. He hasn't been as great with either since he hasn't been sleepin well. I wouldn't be surprised if he is depressed. I asked him yesterday to see a doc about the sleep issue. He seems to have developed restless legs which is problematic for both of us (but goes to the guest room when keeping me awake). He does *all* the nigttime parenting of the three eldest, & that is no small thing.

I will see my doc. Need to figure out child care for that - maybe my mom can come up from Houston (I'm in Dallas).

I work at home after the kids go to bed. That used to be my treadmill/TV/reading time but I don't know when else I can work & staying up late enough to do both is asking for a sleep-deprivation migraine.

I think one reason I am reluctant to face the depression is that I feel like it's my own damn fault for having four kids in four years. Of course it goes w/o saying that i love my children like crazy & don't blame them in any way for any of my stress.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
What about your church? Do they have a youth group? They should consider playing with kids part of service! (And hey, it's also a great indirect plug for not having kids too young!)

Or are there other people at your church? Does your church do Steven Ministers? They might help. Sometimes there are retired women who are still young enough to hep that might jump at the chance to give you a hand. You can pay it forward when you're out of this rough patch.

The ironic thing is that what you need now is just a bit of time to tend to yourself -- but that takes time to arrange, which you don't have!

Now is not the time to be shy about asking for help. Reach out to anyone and everyone you know. They will be happy to help.

My church has a fabulous youth group - I'll look into it. One drawback is that we drive a distance to go to church, so some might not want to drive that far to come to me (it's not *that* far, it's only 20 minutes, but it was an issue when people made us meals after Ben was born). I haven't heard of Steven Ministers but I will ask. I will of course pay it forward!









I got very good at asking for help when the twins were newborns, but I seem to have forgotten my skills lately.







Your ideas are so very appreciated.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

OK, to all: two situations that make me crazy and I don't handle well.

Crying in general. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I do my best to comfort, etc., never belittle or anything like what my dad did to me, but it just drives me absolutely nuts.

My four-year-old's chatter. She is the most talkative person I've ever met. Sometimes I wish she would just shut. up.


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## amis2girls (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megs Mom*
Crying in general. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I do my best to comfort, etc., never belittle or anything like what my dad did to me, but it just drives me absolutely nuts.

I hear that.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

You might check local homeschooling groups for mother's helpers. Also consider some Bach Flower remedies for feeling overwhelmed (Elm), or increased tolerance (Beech), or Rescue Remedy for general upsets.

Pat


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

The flower remedies are nice, and so are homeopathic remedies. A good all-round winner for frustration and ill-feelings (emotional) is Chamomilla. The same one we give babies for teething. Works differently in adults, but helps! Also, know that you are doing the hardest job in the world, and NO ONE can do it NEARLY as well as you, even your awesome dh. No one. So - hang in there! You are in a fairly long, dark tunnel. When the babies are school aged, and life is moving fast, you'll maybe wonder where the time went, but right now, just find sources of light for yourself. Borrow good movies and work while a good movie is on. Listen to fabulous music all day long - enya, peter gabriel, van morrison, etc. - or drum, dance, etc. just to get the spirit in you moving.







I know it's hard, and I have 2 less than you do, so I can really only IMAGINE how much harder. Hang tough, get help, and take care of yourself (all these ideas are not in place of visiting the dr. and seeing about getting help for ppd - that IS a serious thing to deal with, and you SHOULD have help, mama!).


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megs Mom*
OK. I've been suspecting I'm depressed but just not wanting to go there, I guess. I have a history of depression and OCD. I've been on meds since 1998. Can they stop working? I was seeing a therapist until DH was laid off and then I stopped to save money. Now he is in a temporary job and I have an appt. to see her in a couple of weeks (she comes to my house, thank goodness, and I don't have to find child care).

Yes, you can stop feeling the benefits of the meds, especially if you have been taking them a long time. Do not feel like it is your fault, you did not ask to feel this way and you do not deserve to feel this way.

I have been depressed in the past and the best thing I was ever told about depression, I will pass on. My doctor told me that certain people were prone to depression and those people *have* to do a better job taking care of themselves then others who are not prone to depression. It is similar to people who are prone to high cholesterol, they have to do a better job of eating healthy. This might be obvious to everyone else but it was a lightbulb moment for me and has helped me a great deal.

I would encourage you to call your church. My mom was Catholic and if I remember right the priest had a lot of resources for her when she was having mental health and general family issues.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scubamama*
You might check local homeschooling groups for mother's helpers. Also consider some Bach Flower remedies for feeling overwhelmed (Elm), or increased tolerance (Beech), or Rescue Remedy for general upsets.

Pat

Love both ideas, Pat, and I will do both. Thank you.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Oh, mama.






















































































I can't even dream of giving you advice. If you are depressed, it is no wonder . . .considering the stress level (ages of children, layoff, lack of sleep) you are under, it is amazing you have kept it together so far.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

You can even choose the remedies most specific to your needs with this Bach Flower remedy finder quiz: http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx You can choose several and mix them with water for sipping as needed for extra patience and sanity support.

Or choose from this comprehensive list of remedies. This link lists each remedy's indications: http://bringhealth.com/bach_flower_remedies.html

I couldn't parent without Rescue Remedy, and I only have one child.

Pat


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamabeca*
The flower remedies are nice, and so are homeopathic remedies. A good all-round winner for frustration and ill-feelings (emotional) is Chamomilla. The same one we give babies for teething. Works differently in adults, but helps! Also, know that you are doing the hardest job in the world, and NO ONE can do it NEARLY as well as you, even your awesome dh. No one. So - hang in there! You are in a fairly long, dark tunnel. When the babies are school aged, and life is moving fast, you'll maybe wonder where the time went, but right now, just find sources of light for yourself. Borrow good movies and work while a good movie is on. Listen to fabulous music all day long - enya, peter gabriel, van morrison, etc. - or drum, dance, etc. just to get the spirit in you moving.







I know it's hard, and I have 2 less than you do, so I can really only IMAGINE how much harder. Hang tough, get help, and take care of yourself (all these ideas are not in place of visiting the dr. and seeing about getting help for ppd - that IS a serious thing to deal with, and you SHOULD have help, mama!).

I do keep good music on - very important to me. I will call my OB & talk to my therapist.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42*
Yes, you can stop feeling the benefits of the meds, especially if you have been taking them a long time. Do not feel like it is your fault, you did not ask to feel this way and you do not deserve to feel this way.

I have been depressed in the past and the best thing I was ever told about depression, I will pass on. My doctor told me that certain people were prone to depression and those people *have* to do a better job taking care of themselves then others who are not prone to depression. It is similar to people who are prone to high cholesterol, they have to do a better job of eating healthy. This might be obvious to everyone else but it was a lightbulb moment for me and has helped me a great deal.

I would encourage you to call your church. My mom was Catholic and if I remember right the priest had a lot of resources for her when she was having mental health and general family issues.

All good advice, thank you. I think I have maybe gotten myself into trouble by thinking I have no options, you know? That kind of thinking always gets me in trouble!


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius*
Oh, mama.






















































































I can't even dream of giving you advice. If you are depressed, it is no wonder . . .considering the stress level (ages of children, layoff, lack of sleep) you are under, it is amazing you have kept it together so far.

Well, you may not have advice but your hugs and affirmations mean a lot to me. Thank you.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scubamama*
You can even choose the remedies most specific to your needs with this Bach Flower remedy finder quiz: http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx You can choose several and mix them with water for sipping as needed for extra patience and sanity support.

Or choose from this comprehensive list of remedies. This link lists each remedy's indications: http://bringhealth.com/bach_flower_remedies.html

I couldn't parent without Rescue Remedy, and I only have one child.

Pat

Headed to ainsworths now. Thanks, mama. I remembered, I used to use RR when my twins were tiny.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Update: I got a Stephen Minister!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Great! That's a great place to start - especially since their sole job is to help YOU!! And it's fantastic that you are reaching out for help when you are having such a hard time.

About the meds -- it's possible you need a med increase. Hormone fluctuations, increased stress, etc. can up your need for the meds. Talk to you doctor/midwife about that - it's not going to remove all your stress, but you know that already!


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

I'll ask about the meds, thank you. I'm seeing my therapist Wed. & will then schedule a visit w/my PCP.


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