# Anyone else here lose a full-term baby during labor?



## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

in these few weeks since we lost our only child Milos
i have found great comfort and wisdom in the other stories of loss shared here
but in all the searching i've done to help me answer the painful question of WHY!
i haven't found that anyone shares my story?
most stillbirth is a lost heartbeat anywhere after 20 weeks
and then an inducement and delivery of a child that is known to be dead
but i had the gothic horror of thinking i was delivering a pink and screaming living child
instead he was gray and pale and gone
we heard his heartbeat just 20 min. before i pushed him out
somewhere in that brief span he slipped away from us?!
he had the cord around his neck but this as i understand it is fairly common
and not a death sentence
my son was not just not breathing (as in a cord issue) but completely gone no breath, no pulse
they tried to resuscitate him of course but he was already somewhere else
the shock of it is unbelievable!

my labor was fast, which might be a sign of abruption
but there was no excessive bleeding or localized pain?
(we are waiting on autopsy and placenta results)
and my husband and i were joyous over how beautiful the labor was
for me it was the exact experience i had hoped for my whole life
until that moment when nothing would ever be the same again

i think all us moms to silently born babies suffer from PTSD
but i wonder if anyone can relate to my story of this life lost in the storm of labor?

Feeling angry, sad, confused, guilty, fearful, betrayed, alone, hopeless...


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Dearest Abbey,

firstly huge huge and very empathetic hugs to you for your loss of gorgeous Milos.

I, also had a homebirth, unasisted stillborn.

Micah probably died a day or two before labor but I did not know. I, also thought I was pushing out a healthy baby.

the grief is terrible and something we don't wish on anyone. if you want to pm me please do.

Rebecca


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Yes, I have. My beautiful daughter was stillborn after my placenta abrupted, which may or may not have been in labor. By the time I reached the hospital I was actually about 5 cm dilated. She was almost 38 weeks, so full term.

I send my utmost, utmost love and sympathy to you. I am so, so sorry this happened. There are no reasons for it, hun, just the very dark parts of life sometimes do come to the surface and hit people for no reason at all. You did everything you could have done and your little man has a wonderful mama - a WONDERFUL mama, who deserved to be a mama and who loved her baby unconditionally.

Please, sweetie, do not place the blame on yourself here. I reacted to your other thread the other day about homebirth and stillbirth, and I know what your read in that other palce made you feel unsure of your actions. But know this - you were doing what was right for your child, and this did not happen in any way because of your decisions regarding his birth.

Stay here with us - we will make sure you get the nurturing and healing you need to come through this. And you will, you will come through this.

*ENORMOUS hugs*, beautiful mama. XXXXX


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i just want to say that i am so so sorry that milos isn't in your arms. i hate seeing new women on this board, but just know that we are here with you, crying with each other, and supporting and helping each other. i didn't have the same experience, but i still wanted to give you a hug.

much love.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Yes ... I can so completely relate to this. Emma was born on her due date. I gave birth to her two older siblings via c-section (it has taken me a very long time to be able to say that I birthed them. For the longest time I felt as though they were extracted from me). So, for my last baby, I planned a HBA2C - a water birth. I started getting ctx on the Monday ... by 1.30pm they were coming every 5 minutes. I was SOOOO excited. I walked, sat astride the toilet and eventually clambered into the shower whilst DH and my BFF (birth partner) set up the birth pool. By the time our m/w arrived at 7pm I was 9 and a half cm dilated with bulging waters. "My" midwife arrived then (she did all my antenatal care - I'm in the UK). It was perfect - I wallowed in the birth pool and it was such a difference from my horrible emergency sections. They checked my baby's HB every few minutes and it was perfect throughout. After about 5 hours, my midwives respectfully asked if they could examine me as baby didn't seem to be arriving. It was discovered that I had an anterior lip. Pushing that back caused my waters to go and I got back into the birth pool ... an hour later no baby. I got out and walked around. Then we discovered that baby had turned posterior. I was exhausted and my pulse had got wobbly (not good for a cs mum) so we decided to transfer for a possible instrumental delivery. Just before we got into the ambulance, we lost the HB but it was strong and perfect in the ambulance. When I arrived at the hospital, there was no rush or sense of emergency (even with my history) We discovered baby had turned again and with the tiniest of cuts, at 2.25am on a Tuesday morning, I triumphantly pushed my baby out and lifted it to my chest ... beautiful, beautiful moment. DH confirmed we had a little girl ... total shock as we were sure we were having another boy.. then they said "she's not breathing" and took her to the resuscitaire beside the bed. They said talk to her .. I talked and I prayed. I prayed harder than I ever have in my life ... but I knew, I KNEW like you, she was already somewhere else ... and when they said I'm sorry I screamed and screamed and screamed. No distress, no meconium, no HB variations, no visible cord problems .... but she died. WHY? WHY? WHY? Our best guess - a cord compression.

Seventeen weeks on ... I have to say that her birthing is a source of comfort to me. My OB has acknowledged that the care I had was exceptional and that the outcome would probably not have been different with a hospital vaginal birth. As to a repeat cs ... I can only postulate but I have a strong intuition that she was never mine to raise. She was a precious gift, lent to my womb and I believe she would still have died, had I given birth via cs. As it was, her borth was beautiful and peaceful. I at least gave her that.

So, things have changed ... God willing, she will not be our last baby after all. We hope to be able to raise her younger sibling(s) - who will probably be born by planned section - a difficult choice to make but, in my circumstances, probably the right one. I have talked and talked and talked this out but if such a perfect birth could end like that, maybe I'm one of those women who can only birth living babies via CS.

I didn't mean to hi-jack your thread but I know that those of us who experience intrapartum death are pretty rare - especially when our labours are not induced or otherwise medically interfered with. I wanted you to know you are not alone.

I am so very, very sorry that Milos and Emma are not in our arms where they belong. Your son has a beautiful name.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Thank You, Thank You Magnificent Mothers,
and now sisters in my heart!
I am crying as I read your stories...
All I can say right now is Thank you for being here.
There are doubtless more feelings to come, soon.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Abbey,
Oh how I wish that Milos was with you in person as he should be.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Mama.

Not exactly like your story, as we found out J.T. was gone just before
he was born, but here is mine:
I went into labor naturally, waking up to strong contractions in
the middle of the night. It was my 4th child, and we knew he'd
likely be born pretty quickly - his big sister came less than an hour
after we arrived at the hospital thinking we'd have plenty of time.
I felt my son moving with contractions at home at about 2:00 a.m.
before we left for the hospital. In fact, DH and I were laughing about
how he didn't like them, and was ready to get out already.
We were so excited to meet him.

At 3:00 a.m. when they triaged us at L & D, they had trouble finding
his heartbeat with the regular external monitor. Well into labor by then
(I was actually almost fully dilated already) I didn't really pay attention
until they wheeled the ultrasound machine over. And then my world as
I knew it fell apart. I could see him and his precious heart - so still.

In my case, I was "lucky" - if you can use the word in this context - to
find out when he was born what had taken his life away: the cord was
wrapped 3 times, very, very tightly, around his legs. He just couldn't
handle the contractions which robbed him of even more oxygen.
When cord and placenta were examined by pathology, they found what I
think they called "deep" meconium staining, meaning he had probably
been in distress for several days . . . we just never knew.

I spent weeks beating myself up, thinking somehow, I should have picked
up on something. There must have been a sign I missed. I should've had
a doppler, I should have known to ask for a NSTest.
The what-ifs, the hindsight-thinking can drive you crazy if you let it.
The anger, the questioning, the confusion, the guilt - all such normal
parts of grief.
And your grief is still so new.
It's hard to believe now, but time will be your friend.

I am at peace now with what happened . . . I have to be to move forwards. I cannot change the past and have accepted that some things in life can never be made sense of.
Not something so sad, so tragic, so . . . wrong.

Grieve your beautiful boy however _you_ need to.
I hope the autopsy results at least answer some of your questions.
You and your DH and family are in my thoughts.

Em


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry about little Milos.









My dd's heart stopped before labor actually started, but I think you are 100% correct about the PTSD.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
Feeling angry, sad, confused, guilty, fearful, betrayed, alone, hopeless...

I was all of these and then found this forum. Then I wasn't alone or hopeless any longer.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

i'm so sorry for all of you, your stories are poignant and tragic. but your resiliency is truly inspiring...a


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

You aren't alone in your feelings at all. I really don't think it matters if it was a stillbirth. It was a loss.

I got to give birth to a seemingly healthy baby who died in her daddy's arms. I cannot tell you what it was like. Here I go to take a nap and when I am woken up, my baby was already gone. Having him tell me "I don't think she's breathing" struck fear in me. Holding her and trying to find a heartbeat or breath was horrible. One of the medics who came that morning was the one who grabbed her and rushed her to the back of the ambulance. She was suppose to be fine. If you want to read my story, you'll have to look at my blog.

I use to have trouble sleeping and when I did sleep, I woke up at the time she was born. A few nights I have woken up swearing I hear her crying, though she never did when she was alive, not even after birth. I couldn't see an ambulance without totally breaking down.


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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

here too. Csection performed, due to a few seemingly non-emergency quirks on the strip, movement issues, etc.. she had her cord 3x around her neck, fluid was all mec. She was 39 weeks. Drs. say cord accident. We had no idea anything was wrong. Devastating. I am so very sorry.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Abby, I am so sorry about Milos. My son also died during labor--it's called intrapartum death. I had no idea that a fullterm, healthy baby could die. I was at a birth center, transferred across the street to the hospital for the pushing phase b/c a couple heart decels, and there they couldn't locate a heartbeat. I had a crash c-section and woke up to find out that my baby was dead. They tried to resuscitate him. Placental abruption was raised as a possibility, but I leaked clear fluid (ie, no blood) during labor. The cord was wrapped loosely one time around Baker's neck, so that is not believed to have contributed. After the autopsy and testing of him and me, the only thing that could explain his death is that his cord was compressed somehow. Fluid levels were also questioned (low fluid can make it easier for the cord to compress), but there were no outward signs that I had low fluid (normal size baby, no facial/limb deformities, fundal height always measured on track, 2 normal ultrasounds). When there is a compressed cord that cannot be seen or felt near the cervix, it is called an occult (hidden) cord prolapse. We'll never really know.

Again, I am so sorry. Please know that you are not alone in this.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

You are definitely not alone, Abbey. We had no indication that anything was wrong. Just like you said, Gideon's birth was the absolutely amazing experience I had been dreaming of. He was birthed naturally at home. After he came out, I was waiting for that glorious moment when they'd place him on my stomach and I could hold him and lift him to my breast and give him kisses. But instead, they laid him on a towel on the floor and told us to talk to him. My husband and I had our hands clenched together so very tightly, as if we were each the only tie that the other had from sinking away. Then we got to call the ambulance and he was transported to two different hospitals. He never took a breath on his own during his whole life - which was about 30 hours long. I never got to hold him while he was alive. During the moments I can look back and think of the birth without reference to the final outcome, it was exactly as it should have been. Perfect, painful but manageable, at home and beautiful. But as soon as he was birthed, it was like the entire world shifted slightly and nothing was how it should be. The official cause of death was brain damage and resulting organ failure. The death certificate and hospital say it was ultimately due to meconium aspiration syndrome, but going over the labor and birth, the midwives and I think it was actually occult cord prolapse.

All that to say, I believe I know just how you feel - angry, lost, sad, and alone. But you aren't alone. We have all been through it in some shape or form. These mommas are wonderful, amazing women and full of love and support. We will help you through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than you would have ever imagined. I'm so very sorry for the loss of little Milos, Abbey.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss...

In 2005, I was 41 weeks pregnant, had SROM, and after 28 hours of labor and a couple hours of pushing, our little one's heart stopped beating...seconds before he was born. And yes, I did have PTSD and was hospitalized because of that. So you are not alone...


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## paradoxia13 (Aug 21, 2006)

I lost my daughter due to uterine rupture at 41.5 weeks in the very early stages of labor. It was to be a VBAC homebirth.

Contractions were aprox 10 minutes apart and very light. I'd been out walking my dog and chatting with neighbors. An hour later I was in immense pain, doubled over, could not stand or move from fetal position. 911 was called, I was loaded into an ambulance. There was no heartbeat when we arrived.









I don't mean to sound so short/cold about it...sometimes it's just easier that way. *Sigh*

It's been 6 months as of Feb. 3. We were given the all clear to try again in 6 months. Very bittersweet, indeed.

~heather


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## mirtodd (Dec 2, 2001)

Well I've never carried to 40 weeks. All of my babies have been early, but we lost our 3rd child last January to placental abruption.

It had been a regular day, my DH picked me up at my office and took me out for lunch. After lunch I was returning calls at my desk for a couple of hours and when I went to use the bathroom, a giant ball of blood fell out. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and our son still had a heartbeat, so I was taken directly to the OR. He never made it through the c/section though


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
I am so sorry for your loss...

In 2005, I was 41 weeks pregnant, had SROM, and after 28 hours of labor and a couple hours of pushing, our little one's heart stopped beating...seconds before he was born. And yes, I did have PTSD and was hospitalized because of that. So you are not alone...

Thank You for sharing your story. What is an SROM?

I am so sad for all the loss here. I would have never thought it was possible to have so many babies lost!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
Thank You for sharing your story. What is an SROM?

I am so sad for all the loss here. I would have never thought it was possible to have so many babies lost!

You're right ... too many of us and too many of our children.









SROM is Spontaneous Rupture of the Membranes (as opposed to having them Artificially ruptured.)


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Hi Abbey, I am happy you found your way here and are finding support, mama.
You can also search for posts from JMFS and Berkeleyp, who both lost their children unexpectedly during labor- one at a birth center and the other at home.

Sending you and dh lots of love and hugs mama. Let's get together soon...


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

SweetTeach,
don't know what i would've have done with out you in those first weeks!
and thank you for continuing to walk the painful road with me


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

haven't btdt, just







s!


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## spuddybuddy (Apr 1, 2009)

hello

i wanted to thank all the mamas on this thread for posting their stories. from the information we have now our situation was a little different - we believe that our Soren passed a few days before his birth. but hearing stories of loss at full term makes me feel not so alone. hugs to you all.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spuddybuddy* 
hello

i wanted to thank all the mamas on this thread for posting their stories. from the information we have now our situation was a little different - we believe that our Soren passed a few days before his birth. but hearing stories of loss at full term makes me feel not so alone. hugs to you all.

Yes. Same here. Thanks for finding and bumping this thread. Strangely, though, I WAS in labor. I thought it was prodromal stuff, but it was active, because I was 7cm when they checked me, right after the u/s that told us he was gone.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Abbey, I think of you often, mama and hope to see you soon.


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## Yaliina (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaSomeday* 
You are definitely not alone, Abbey. We had no indication that anything was wrong. Just like you said, Gideon's birth was the absolutely amazing experience I had been dreaming of. He was birthed naturally at home. After he came out, I was waiting for that glorious moment when they'd place him on my stomach and I could hold him and lift him to my breast and give him kisses. But instead, they laid him on a towel on the floor and told us to talk to him. My husband and I had our hands clenched together so very tightly, as if we were each the only tie that the other had from sinking away. Then we got to call the ambulance and he was transported to two different hospitals. He never took a breath on his own during his whole life - which was about 30 hours long. I never got to hold him while he was alive. During the moments I can look back and think of the birth without reference to the final outcome, it was exactly as it should have been. Perfect, painful but manageable, at home and beautiful. But as soon as he was birthed, it was like the entire world shifted slightly and nothing was how it should be. The official cause of death was brain damage and resulting organ failure. The death certificate and hospital say it was ultimately due to meconium aspiration syndrome, but going over the labor and birth, the midwives and I think it was actually occult cord prolapse.

All that to say, I believe I know just how you feel - angry, lost, sad, and alone. But you aren't alone. We have all been through it in some shape or form. These mommas are wonderful, amazing women and full of love and support. We will help you through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than you would have ever imagined. I'm so very sorry for the loss of little Milos, Abbey.









I know this is an older post, but I just came across it. I'm so sorry for your loss & every one of you mammas who have experienced such tragedy. My firstborn was lost to us less than 24 hours after his birth, more than 10 years ago.
MommaSomeday, your story struck me as very similar and yet very different from mine. My son was born in a very mainstream way- labored for a while @ home, then transferred to hospital. I spiked a fever, but otherwise no indications. DS was actually c/s after 40 hours of labor, including 9 of pitocin- great hb the whole time. Despite being born in an OR, he lived only 17 hours, and died in my arms. In one regard, I am glad that he was born that way because I have absolutely no doubt that I could have done anything more, medically, to save him- doctors/tech right there. And yet, he still died. On the other hand, I envy you your home birth- peace. And I think that if Alex had been born that way I may have at least been able to hold him and been blissfully unaware for one tiny second before knowing he was gone to us.

Each of us experiences our loss uniquely, and yet the outcome for us each is the same- aching arms and hearts. I know where you are- all of you- and I send you each my deepest love, empathy, and hugs. Know that, as another poster said, TIME IS your friend. I remember a time when Alex was all I could think of all day, every day. I kept a picture of him with me at all times & I cried for weeks. Then one day I realized that it had been an hour since I thought of him. And it got better from there. I know they will never be forgotten, but the memory becomes easier with time. Keep talking about it- the best therapy is a support network, and you have that here.







s:


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

My story is similar, I recently lost my daughter while i was in labor at full term, and this is my post about it if you want to read.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1089315

i KNOW what it feels like, and i'm SO SORRY you have to go through this. i'm sending big hugs to you and your family, you're in my thoughts and prayers sweet mama.

~x0~


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

i wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to find herself here but i have been grateful beyond words for all of you brave enough to share your experiences and have shown me the way with your words


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

(((HUGS)))) to all of you!


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

here is my story...sadly all too similar to far too many other mamas

HUGS!

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...749&highlight=


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Abbey, am I reading your sig correctly??!!!! No wonder you've been on my mind so intensely!


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