# The next person who says.....



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

"be thankful for the four you have" will be slugged!


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## 3sweetsurprises (Aug 24, 2008)

I feel the same way only the next person to say it will probably be my dh. He has already run the gamut on the wrong things to say.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Ugh, that is just awful. Some people have no class. Can you think of a good comeback next time you hear that? I'm all for preparing a comeback for stupid questions. The one I've heard lately is "So did you have a good summer?" I've been stewing over what to say should I be asked that question again.


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

I have a very cute child and people usually say: "be thankful for the one you have." The best answer I could come up with was that if you had 20 kids and one died would you accept the same advice you`ve just given me? I love my son and am eternally grateful for him but this baby I lost was ANOTHER child. Only and never replaceable.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I hate it when people say that.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

After our newborn son died three weeks ago I went to see our family doctor to have him take a look at me because I experienced a lot of blood loss. His nurse, whom I've know for over 20 years, said she was sorry and then said "oh, you'll have another one." She went on about how many of her friends in their 40s have children in elementary school, blah, blah, blah.

Our counselor told us to ignore the words and just feel the sentiment behind the words.

If you need another idea for a response try "I appreciate your concern but just because I mourn the loss of my baby doesn't mean that I don't appreciate and love my other children any less."

Some people have no clue and others just suck. I'm sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with those awful words of "condolence."


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## BeccaSue1029 (Apr 2, 2008)

Amen! I'm so sorry mama


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
"be thankful for the four you have" will be slugged!

I think I would slug someone.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

My DH said that to me after we lost our baby on a day when I was having a particularly long sob fest and knowing him the way I do, I know he only meant it in the way that he wanted to me to look at the positive side of things, but it still irritates me when I think about it.

No one on the "outside" even knew we were pregnant (lost the baby at 18 weeks) as we hadn't even told our kids yet, but if someone on the "outside" of our immediate in the home family said that to me, my feelings would've probably been really hurt or I would've been really angry.

But, lets face it, no one knows the pain of losing a baby more than its mother and people just haven't a clue when to keep their mouths shut.

I'm sorry you are hurting.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Depending on the person who says those stupid things to me I do occasionally have a few words to throw back at them.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

My support group leader says something like, "So if one of your children died, then you'd just appreciate the others and not miss the one?" or "So which one of your children are you willing to give up?". I think it helps people to put it in perspective of their own children and imagine having to say goodbye to one of them. Suddenly, a child doesn't seem so replaceable/interchangeable to them.

Hugs,
Kathleen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I think that is a great response kathleen, it really puts them in your (our) place.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

some people are just so downright clueless. They may mean well, but it stabs.


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## mammabunny (May 8, 2008)

People say "well you're lucky you have your beautiful son." It bothers me. Because, it makes me want to reply, "what? does that mean I didn't love this child as much?" "That I wasn't capable of loving another child?" "If this child was born, then I wouldn't have loved it as much as my firstborn?"
If that's the case, then no one should have more than one child.
My friend who miscarried 4x. Two were before her only born, and two after. She said the two "after" were harder, because she truly understood what she was losing. I do realize how lucky I am to have one child. But that doesn't lessen the loss of this one, it still hurts. We made a "space" in our hearts and lives for this baby and now there's just a void there.
I think it's best if people just say "sorry, let me know if I can do anything."


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## Finding Serenity (Aug 10, 2005)

I heard something similar to this when I found out that I was indeed miscarrying my baby this week by the sonographer. I wasn't able to process a comeback at the time, but the comment did sting me deep in my heart. I was fortunate that the nurses at the hospital were better trained on what not to say to a woman who is or has lost her baby. Hugs to you Mama.


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

Yes, I actually got a similar comment from my ultrasound tech yesterday! She said "Be thankful you have the three that you do already, I see a lot of women who don't get that."
It rubbed me terribly wrong, like I should feel guilty for not appreciating them enough or considering those who don't have children? I feel awful for people in that situation but what does it have to do with the child inside me who just died? I wish I would have said that instead of giving her a blank stare......







:


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## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

I had a friend (HAD because we are not friends anymore) who, when I was still bleeding from MC #3, gave me a lecture about how God gives you as many children as you can "handle". She has six, and at the time, I had one.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

UGH! I hate that so much! As if to say, if you are sad about miscarriage, you don't appreciate the children you have. I think it has to do with the fact that to others, the babe you were carryiing wasn't "real", and yet the reality is, you were carrying your baby, your joy, your hope. It's so hard to deal with people who don't understand that. It's been over 3 years since my loss and it still grates on me. My mother said to me last year when I mentioned to her that my oldest still talks about Therese, "Did you tell him that is wasn't a real baby." Umm, no. Because it was a real baby.


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