# How old is too old to still be having kids?



## Rnejic (Nov 6, 2009)

I know this is a personal choice but I'm wondering what others think about this topic.

My husband is 42 but there is a 15 year difference between us so I still have a lot of fertile years ahead of me. We've been talking about having another child soon and the thought came into my mind that he would be at least 61 (if I'm lucky enough to conceive quickly) by the time the child is grown. We would both love to have a large family but I cant stop thinking about his age. I just dont know how I feel about it. I keep thinking about his parents, they are 67 and I just can not imagine them still raising children, they just seem so old already. Maybe it would be different for us if we always have children in the home?

So what are your thoughts?


----------



## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Do you have a loving community or tribe in which to share this child? Do you have younger guardians picked out in case something should happen to both of you before your new child turns 21?

If you can honestly say yes to both these things, then go for it. If you are introverted misanthropes who live a life away from others then I don't think it is fair to the new little person given your ages.


----------



## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

As long as you have a realistic plan for you children should something happen to you or your spouse, then I also say go for it. My only issue with much older people having children is that it is terribly hard for the kids if one or both parents passes away. It's certainly not enough for me to express the opinion of "don't do it", but it's definitely a concern that I don't think should be taken lightly.


----------



## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I think you have to reverse menopause its to late. Other than that.. go for it. Men I think as long as they are viberant and healthy.


----------



## jem1976 (Oct 29, 2007)

My Mum was 42 when she had my brother. He's now 23 and she's a sprightly 65. Honestly she has more energy than me and I'm 30 years her junior. He has had no problem whatsoever with his mum being older than most.


----------



## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

So, you're 27 and your husband is 42? I don't see anything wrong with that.


----------



## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Age is but a number.









My Mom had an oops baby very late in life. I think my sister kept them young. They are incredibly active still (my sister is now in college) and look ten years younger.

There are no guarantees in life regardless of age. 61 these days is a lot different than 61 for previous generations. Maybe your dreams of having a large family can't all be realized, but I see no reason to not have another child or two.

And I think every family should have a guardian picked out whether they are 22 or 62.


----------



## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I don't think age makes much of a difference. Does he have an issue with having a child at his age? If not, go for it.


----------



## Rnejic (Nov 6, 2009)

Yes I am only 27 not 42, DH is 42. We've been married for 7 1/2 years and we already have 3 kids.

Thank you for all the responses so far! It will give us some things to talk about.

ETA
No he has no issue with it. I am the one questioning it.


----------



## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

When I was a midwife, one of my healthiest patients had a baby at 46. He was her last one, but a great pregnancy. Her oldest was 21 at the time, so she had quite a spread.

Personally, I don't want to have babies much past 40. My dh would like to be done by the time he's 45, just so that the child will be (theoretically) close to finishing college when dh is ready to retire.


----------



## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

My friend's dad got remarried and had a whole new set of kids who are the same age as my friend's children. He was in his early 50s, and his wife was 35 when they started. They now have four gorgeous kids, and I think he is thrilled to bits as he always wanted that. Now he has two grown, and four little ones.

The thing I would worry about more is that as he ages, his risk of fathering an autistic child increases, but I am a Nervous Nelly that way.


----------



## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

*


----------



## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

DH & I were both 41 when Jack was born. I ROCK as a mom







We have 4 boys and I really think I would have had one more but the actual delivery took a lot out of me. We are happy with 4


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I am 40, dh is 39, we are ttc. We have a 13 month old.


----------



## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

DH and I also have a 15 year spread, and he is now 61 and we have a 4-year-old. I agree with a PP that 61 is not the same as it was years ago. I think about my now deceased grandparents when they were 61, and they were just old...even looking at them in retrospect. I can proudly say that DH runs circles around most guys half his age. Some of it is physical, much of it is attitude. He does get asked a lot whether he is the grandfather or the father. He's got a lot of grey in his beard. But granted, there are grandfathers who are 42, so it doesn't bother him much.

It is good to think about these things. But I put this in the same category as choosing family size based on guaranteeing sibling relationships and/or avoiding one child having to take care of you in your old age. There are no guarantees. Also, choosing to do something that is relatively out of the norm does not automatically sentence a child to a life of heartache. Now that DD is here, we have had to plan accordingly.

Now that I'm 47, 42 seems awful young! LOL.


----------



## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I don't think the 40's is too late for children. It's pretty commonplace, especially with the number of second marriages these days. I'd seriously consider a few issues though, some of which don't apply in the OP's case, since she is still in her 20's:

- menopause and adolescence simultaneously (was any household meant to be awash in that many hormones at one time







?)

- paying for university during retirement years

- likelihood that an older parent won't know their grandchildren

It isn't just having a baby when one is 42 or 45. It's having a teen when one is the 60's or a uni student when one is 70. If the child of a 45 y.o waits until s/he is 45 to have a baby, then it really is unlikely there will be an extended, multi-generational family in place for the grandchild.

None of these are good reasons to avoid having children in your 40's, but they are things to think about if you have a particular lifestyle or family situation in mind. Then, of course, there are those for whom a family isn't a possibility until they are in their 40's, which makes all of these kind of considerations beside the point.


----------



## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Count me in the "go for it" category.

I come from a long line of late-in-life babies. My mom was 46 when I was born and says I was her easiest pregnancy. She is now 87 or something (I can't do the math, but I'm 42 and change). She is soooo healthy. In fact, she is much happier and healthier than I remember her during my dysfunctional childhood.

I will say I feel lucky to have had her this long. It took us a long time to come back together when I was an adult and had she died earlier in my life, we never would have had a chance to be close. I never had a chance to work things out with my father that way, because he died when I was 24.









My biggest piece of advice, having lived with older parents, is to keep up with your kids' generation and do everything you can to stay physically fit and energetic. My mother grew up during the Depression and then her first husband was a WW2 soldier. She had very old-fashioned ideas; for example, didn't want me to wash my hair more than once a week, because it was wasteful. I had SUCH greasy hair and I was continually ridiculed for it. Stuff like that.

Now, though, she is very active and much happier since my dad passed away. Unfortunately, he really dragged her down. She is in better health and more fun and open-minded than most of my friends' parents who are decades younger. And now we are still thinking about trying for another child, after miscarrying in the spring. I think children really do keep you young if you let them.


----------



## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Because of a 10 year age difference, dh has the potential to be in his mid to late 50's when my body ends it's childbearing years. Which means being 60 or even 70-something when the last kid would be up and out. We dont TTC or prevent, so I have no clue what's going to happen in the next 20 years.

But if we had a child when I was say 48 and dh 58, that wouldn't even be an issue for us. We didn't start out as a hyper-energetic, involved in everything, super-busy family. Dh is not a base-ball-in-the-backyard kind of dad with our current children. The last time he ran around with them it lasted all of 5 minutes. He's just not a "play" dad, so a kid 20 years from now would not be getting much different than our kids currently get. And that kid would get the benefit of that many more years for dh and I to practice being parents and mature some more. I think it all evens out.







And I think having kids around will keep us young. I'll be at a loss if my 3 are the only ones I get, and I end up with decades between them and grandchildren.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think my cut-off age was 35. My own daughter was six by then, and I was done with the infant stage, and had no desire after that.

My husband's was about 40-ish.

We didn't have that age in mind.... it was just when we felt no urge to start over with a baby.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I was 41 when my younger child was born, and my husband is a couple of years older. I am not worried about this at all. Being in your 60s and raising a child who has diapering needs and has to be bathed and that kind of thing is different from having an older teen in your 60s.


----------



## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I think that especially since you are only 27years old there is NOTHING to worry about.

I also agree with pp's that said that 60 isn't what it was years ago. My neighbours (both in their mid 50's) still run marathons, bike every day, swim competively etc. SPRING CHICKENS!


----------



## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I have a friend who is in his early sixties and has a college-aged son, a 10 yr old dd and an 8 yr old dd. He's a wonderful father to them and seems much much younger than his actual age. I think they keep him young!


----------



## Rnejic (Nov 6, 2009)

I do have 2 stepsons as well, 19 and 16. So the chances of having a baby and grandbaby close in age are pretty good if we continue to have kids.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree* 
- paying for university during retirement years

- likelihood that an older parent won't know their grandchildren

It isn't just having a baby when one is 42 or 45. It's having a teen when one is the 60's or a uni student when one is 70. If the child of a 45 y.o waits until s/he is 45 to have a baby, then it really is unlikely there will be an extended, multi-generational family in place for the grandchild.

These are kind of the points I'm trying to make to him. It is almost guaranteeing that my youngest children's children wont have a grandfather... but I never had one and it wasn't all that big of a deal I suppose. It is all so depressing for me to think about too. I know there are no guarantees in life and no one knows how long they will live but it still seems kind of wrong to have more children when you can guarantee your children wont have their father for the majority of their life.

We have lots to talk about tonight








Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate having this discussion with other as well as with DH!


----------



## puddle (Aug 30, 2007)

I agree with others that 60 isn't what it used to be. When I was your age, 40 sounded really old to have kids. Now that I'm 35 and DH is 38 and I'm pregnant with #2, 40 really doesn't sound old at all. We very well may have another kid when DH is in his 40s and I wouldn't think twice about that age, although I personally would prefer not to be pregnant past the age of 40. My parents are a young 60, and DHs are pushing 70 and seem much older. I don't think it's the handful of extra years so much as the heavy smoking and drinking that has aged his folks. If your DH takes care of himself, there's no reason for 60 to be too old for a teenager.


----------



## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

I had a friend in school whose dad was around 60 when he was born. The dad was still alive and vibrant until the friend was at least mid-twenties.


----------



## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nola79* 
So, you're 27 and your husband is 42? I don't see anything wrong with that.

I agree. One younger parent and one older parent is not at all the same i as two older parents. It's not like you're 45 and your DH is 57.

I totally agree with carfreemama too. There are just some things older parents need to think about and plan for if they decide to grow their family later in life.


----------



## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Maybe im delusional, but i have a feeling i will live a very long time. Ill probably make it to 100. I look after my mental and physical health. Its what i do. I like the idea of living a long time. Theres so much i' like to do and havent done yet.
If im 60 when ds is 20, so what? Ill be a sprightly 60yo.

In any case, i was too young at 24 to have a baby, so i terminated.

At 38, i was way too old, and had my first ds.

Then at 40, i was even older, and had my 2nd.

At 43, im considerably older, and hoping for a 3rd (if mother nature allows it)

I have felt nothing but advantages to being a mom at this age.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i think in todays world all bets are off.

i find there are NO reasons good enough to support NOT having a late child.

just because you are 27 doesnt mean you will see 30.

just coz your dh is 62 doesnt mean he WONT see 90.

and gbaby. HOW many children here have gmas and KNOW them. meaning really know them and see them at least once a month? not my child.

so even having a gparent doesnt assure one of growing up with them.

neither do i take for granted that just because i have 3, i WILL have a 4th or that it will be easy.

there is too much terminal illness and environmental pollution to allow us the same conversation our parents had.

you CANNOT go by the principal ... 'your chances are that...' nope. chances have changed too much. the world has changed. personal values are changing. i have buried too many friends in their 20s. and i see too many families without any family close by.


----------



## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

I'll probably be 39 when we have our last. DH will be 43. I am concerned about our age but not enough to choose worry over a child. We choose to do CVS with a very experienced doctor. Very low risk. Great piece of mind.

We have a will, guardians, and adequate life insurance. And I am glad I am not 20 or 30. I would have been a lousy parent with much better knees.

If DH was much older than me, I would choose to space my children tightly.

And I don't really know anyone who was younger than 33-35 when they had there first child.


----------



## Buzzer Beater (Mar 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Do you have a loving community or tribe in which to share this child? Do you have younger guardians picked out in case something should happen to both of you before your new child turns 21?

If you can honestly say yes to both these things, then go for it. If you are introverted misanthropes who live a life away from others then I don't think it is fair to the new little person given your ages.

The first part of this should be true no matter what your age. And introverts of all ages have babes who turn out fine all the time...

OP- my grandma lived to 104 with a very active lifestyle. My mom is 83 and still travels internationally by herself. There's no telling who will be around for a child or who will have energy at what point. We just had a babe at 45 (dh's first, I have one in college) and I've never felt younger with a better lease on life. DH feels the same way. And my LO is a happy happy little blessing, and if her great personality plays out, I think she'll be thrilled to be alive no matter how old her folks are. If the children you have now are thriving, my guess is another LO would too.


----------



## kanga1622 (May 23, 2005)

35 is my cutoff for TTC. If we get pregnant unexpectedly after that, we would be happy but perhaps a bit more nervous.

I lost my mother when I was 22 so I would prefer that any children would be at least college aged if I were to pass away at a young age.

Or course, this is all theoretical since we have one child and do not currently plan to have any more.


----------



## aikigypsy (Jun 17, 2007)

I would almost say that anything goes, but I do know one couple who are a bit too old from what I've seen of them. The woman was in her mid-40s when the baby was born, and the man is 20 years older, and had kids from previous marriages who were nearly his wife's age. I see them with their preschooler now and the father just looks like he can't keep up. The little boy doesn't play well with others (pushes, bullies) and I feel like his parents' lack of physical energy contributes to it.

I have a new baby, and I just turned 40. Until I had him, I would have said that I'd be happy to have another kid in a few more years, but this past pregnancy (and the miscarriage just before it) really knocked the stuffing out of me. Physically, I just don't want to be pregnant any more. The thought of being nearly 60 before both kids are out of the house is slightly scary, but not enough to stop me.


----------



## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

I'm 42, DH is 36 and we had our first 2 years ago. I would like to have 1 more if I could but realistically don't really want to try past, say 44.

I would have preferred to have kids earlier but mother nature wasn't having it unfortunately.
You can't predict what is going to happen in life and I would also like my DS to have a sibling. If not then we will still be content.


----------



## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

There are no guarantees in life. I became pregnant with my oldest when I was 19. I had no promises I would live to see his first birthday or his first child.

We know *many* parents who had children into their forties. I suspect we will as well since we do not prevent. Both my father and my husband were born to mothers in their forties. My mil is still around enjoying her grandchildren and growing number of great grandchildren. So is my grandfather.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My dad was 42 when I was born. He's a healthy happy 86 now! I actually had a ton of advantages that my older sibs didn't have because they were financially more stable. My dad taught me how to ski, fish, canoe, roof a house, etc. etc.

My grandmother was 41 and 42 when her last two children were born. She was killed tragically in a car accident 16 years after her youngest was born. But that accident could have happened when they were 2-3. Or 25-26.

My ds' best friend's dad was 51 when their son was born. He'll be 69 when his son graduates from high school.

The average life expectancy these days is pretty high. If your husband has a child at 43, and lives to be 80, his child will be 37 when he dies. Surely that's old enough to handle it.


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would not hesitate. Remember...he will not have a newborn at 62. You guys will have a young adult by then. 60 and 45 are certainly not too old to parent a young adult. Its not like you have to worry about being too old to lift him out of the crib. The only possible concern I could see is that he will be going off to college right as your husband reaches retirement age. However careful financial planning could have all that squared away long before hand. Or you could be like me and not plan on paying for your kids collage tuition on principal.

I wouldn't worry about the whole grandparent thing. My oldest is 14 and my youngest is 8. Their great grandparents are still around (97 and 94) And yet their youngest grandparent is gone. You never know and 60 is just barely midlife these days.

I am 36 and and hope to get remarried and have another kid or three yet.


----------



## CassnBeth (Jul 30, 2007)

I think once you are having kids in your forties, it might be worth it to take some special precautions. My parents have a ten year age gap and it took years for them to get pregnant so I was born when my mom and dad were 34 and 44. It was definitely true that I kept my dad young in spirit but he had his first heart attack in his late fifties (not so early for a heart attack and it's not like he didn't take care of himself). I was terrified all through high school and college that we would lose him while I was still so young. And my fear was definitely magnified by my parent's lack of financial planning; without my father's salary my mother and I would have been up a creek.

Ridiculously, after years of heart trouble, my father took a turn for the better a few years ago and now is doing great at 71. I have every expectation that he will be with us at least a few more years and possibly more like 10+.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

My mother was 43 when she had me. She had a potentially terminal heart problem from when i was 14. 7 heart attacks and a stroke followed until she had a double pace-maker fitted when i was 17. Within 3 months of having the pacemaker fitted she was dx with stage 4 cancer and given 6-12months to live. She decided she wanted to see me finish university and lived another 6 years, and died when i was 24.

Despite all of that i am SO SO glad she had me. She was a fantastically interesting woman and gave me many gifts in our relatively short time together. My XP's father had him when he was 24 and died of bone cancer when he was 37, and XP was just 13. Life is like that, you can't see ahead, there's no crystal ball.

So i say if there is love in your relationship and in your hearts then go for it. Even though i wish my mother wasn't ill and hadn't died when i was young, given the choice i would so rather have what i had than nothing at all.


----------



## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

42 is very, very normal to have infants and toddlers in my area. At 28 I am often one of the youngest mothers in any social situation. People often mistake my 61 year old mother for DD's mother and it's not because she looks very young for her age, but because it's not totally unheard of for someone in their 50s or so to have a baby around here.

I would hate to think of someone who really wants kids never having them just because they think they're too old. Even if you only get to be a parent for 20 years, isn't that better than never at all? And while it may be sad for your child to lose you when they're young, at least they're HERE to complain about it


----------



## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Weeeell, in an ideal world I'd like to be done by 35. Because I started young, barring future fertility problems, it seems likely I could have my preferred child spacing/numbers and achieve that. (Had DD at 21, will give birth to this baby the month I turn 25; if I had two more with similar spacing that'd be 29 and 33.)

But not everyone has that luxury, so - who knows? Mum had her youngest at 42, followed by a miscarriage 1-2 years later (which may or may not have been age-related, of course). Dad's 8 years older than she is. Now my sister is 12 and Dad's 63. It saddens me to think he might not see her grow up (he's not in great health - not awful, but he looks like an old man now, and he didn't a few years ago, you know?). Of course, I'm sure she'd rather exist than not, even if Dad died, but I think that's a worthy factor to consider.

Mum and Dad were both definitely mellower parents with my younger sisters, even though they didn't have us older ones super-young (she was 31 when she had me, I think?). I don't know if that was due to age, experience or just being ground down.


----------



## Rnejic (Nov 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
My mother was 43 when she had me. She had a potentially terminal heart problem from when i was 14. 7 heart attacks and a stroke followed until she had a double pace-maker fitted when i was 17. Within 3 months of having the pacemaker fitted she was dx with stage 4 cancer and given 6-12months to live. She decided she wanted to see me finish university and lived another 6 years, and died when i was 24.

Despite all of that i am SO SO glad she had me. She was a fantastically interesting woman and gave me many gifts in our relatively short time together. My XP's father had him when he was 24 and died of bone cancer when he was 37, and XP was just 13. Life is like that, you can't see ahead, there's no crystal ball.

So i say if there is love in your relationship and in your hearts then go for it. Even though i wish my mother wasn't ill and hadn't died when i was young, given the choice i would so rather have what i had than nothing at all.

This is beautiful, thanks for sharing!

We talked about it tonight and I expressed my concerns and he feels kind of like most of the rest of you... it's not that big a deal. He is healthy and takes good care of himself. And no one is guaranteed tomorrow. So we decided to go with it till he's 50... that gives me another 7 1/2 years







we'll see what happens!


----------



## bella99 (Sep 25, 2008)

I will be 31 in December and my father is turning 75 in a couple of weeks...he was 44 when I was born (40 when my older brother was born).

He's been an amazing father. He taught me how to play soccer and baseball, coached my teams, helped me move cross country, etc. He was much more involved in my life than many of my friends much younger fathers.

He's got the normal health problems you would expect from an almost 75 year old, but overall he is healthy and still active.

My only sadness is that, because of his age, he may not be there when my children graduate from high school or get married.


----------



## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

If you and your dp feel up to it then I say go for it!

Personally, I want to be completely done having kids by 35. I would be absolutely thrilled to be done having kids by 30 (I'm 26 right now, we have a 7 year old and we will start TTC our next/last baby in a couple months). DP is 29. We want to have another and then be done and move on to the next stage in our lives. We would love to be able to travel (with and without kids) a lot.

My mom's oldest kid is 30. Her youngest is 4. My mom had him when she was 44? Somewhere around there. She has grandkids older than her youngest son







It works for her! When I had my son my mom was often mistaken for HIS mom and I was mistaken for the nanny/babysitter/sister. LOL! Of course, it didn't help that I *was* the nanny for my mom's now 8 year old dd (her 8 year old dd and my ds are only 14 months apart in age).


----------



## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

I was one month shy of 40 when dd2 was born. DH was 44. She'll keep me young, into my "old" age.


----------



## Mrs.Music (Jun 15, 2010)

Whenever YOU feel that you might not be fit to parent the way you'd really want to. Or if you think you aren't healthy enough to live to see your kids reach adulthood or have grandchildren or whatever your goal there is. You could also take family history into account if you're concerned... Like my great grandmother lived to be 93, before she died of a stroke. She was perfectly active until then, and was actually out for a walk with her 70 year old son. She outlived 3 husbands. She could have had children until menopause and seen them reach all the milestones parents hope to live to witness. I started young, so I'm stopping young. I wouldn't (in my personal situation) want to still be having kids after 30 but it has nothing to do with health.


----------



## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Disclaimer: I have not read any of the responses.

Dh and I were 45 when Dylan was born. His sisters were 20, 17.5, and 13.5. He is now 12.5; his sisters are 32.5, 30, and 26. He has 2 living grandparents now. My parents are in their early 80s. Dh's mom died this year 2 months short of her 84th birthday. Dh's father died way before Dylan was born. Dylan has 2 nephews (first one born when Dylan was 7) and 3 nieces. He is very proud that his 5 yo nephew goes to the same charter school as he does. Dh and I will be 63 when Dylan graduates from high school. If he waits until his mid to late 20s to get married like his sisters did, we will be in our late 80s/early 90s when his children are born.

In one way, we are raising Dylan as an only child and he only has a sibling relationship with Angela. His relationship with Joy and Erica is more like aunt/nephew then sister/brother. There are days when I wish that Dylan was closer in age to his sisters but then I'd miss out on what he is now.

As far as my pregnancy went, it was uneventful. My ob/gyn said that I was his most boring mother. I had no complications or questions. There wasn't a whole lot of advice he could tell me. I didn't have any of the tests/ultrasounds that are common now. And I had no worries about any mental or physical defects because of my age. I did research and discussed it with my ob/gyn. We both agreed that since I had 3 uneventful previous pregnancies which all ended in natural birth, there was no reason why this one wouldn't either. And there was no question of an abortion if the tests indicated something being not right. Besides, the tests aren't that reliable any way. I did get induced during labor but it is typical for an older mother to stall out during labor. I was already in labor for about 12 hours before not progressing for 7 hours after that. Dylan was born naturally 5 hours after the induction drugs. Dh got to cut the umbilical cord and Joy was in the room for the birth. Erica and Angela elected not to be.


----------



## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I hadn't started menopause when I got pregnant with Dylan. And monpause after he stopped nursing has been a breeze. I quit having periods when Dylan was in K. They didn't return until Dylan was about 18 months old and were an average of 3 day then and 4-6 weeks a part. By the time Dylan was in K, they were as long as 3 months apart. Other than no periods, I havn't had any of the horror stories about menopause--no real mood swings, no hot flashes, no insommia, etc. Having a child in my 40s has been great for my menopause years. Breastfeeding for a total of 5-6 years hasn't hurt either. Nor has not having a period for a total of almost 8 years.


----------



## karanyavel (May 8, 2010)

My dad was 53 when I was born. "Introverted misanthropes" would be a pretty good description of my parents, haha. I don't care.. I loved our laidback lifestyle with no bustling around to various activities or what-have-you. I never even met another kid (other than my 8-years-older brother) until I was almost six.

Anyway, dad is 85 now, mom is about to turn 60 (and she has cerebral palsy). I don't think I missed out on anything and I'm absolutely happy with the way I was raised and love having a dad old enough to tell me his stories from the Great Depression and WWII...

--K


----------



## november (Mar 22, 2009)

For me, 35 would be pushing it. Granted, I got married young and had my first child at 21 so I'm coming at this from a different perspective. I'm hoping to be done having children by the time I'm 30.


----------



## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

My best friend in HS & college was a child of both her parents' 2nd marriages - her mom was in her early 40s, & her dad, in his 60s - her mom is still doing fine, & her dad just died at age 101 (& was real active until his last year - he was on his 3rd wife though (I think he divorced & remarried around 85?), but my friend & her step-mom get along real well).

When I turned 37, I started thinking about having kids... mine were born when I was 38 1/2, & 1 month short of 40. DH was, respectively, 50, & 51. DH's dad lives with us, & he's pretty lively at 83. It's working fine for us.


----------



## tireesix (Apr 27, 2006)

There is 14 years between DH and I he is now 43, I am 29, we had our third and last baby a couple of years ago when he was 41 and I was 27.

He wasn't comfortable with it but mainly because neither of us are well, DD3 was an oops baby BUT, we are all incredibly happy and very glad we had her (in fact, the other day he said to me its a shame I got sterilised because he would have liked a couple more kids, he seems to have forgotten that I get sicker with each pregnancy lol). Thing is, like any other human, he kept swinging one way and then another. I was concerned about his age at one point but I think what really affected me most was when we started the girls at school this year and saw that actually, he wasn't the oldest Dad there with kids our age, he was some where in between.

In 20 years, DH will be 63/64, our children will be 22, 25 and 26, I don't think thats so bad and when you consider that generally, people are living longer, healthier lives, really, it doesn't seem bad at all.


----------



## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

I think it depends on the person. If he is in good health and is likely to stay active then 61 isn't going ot be tough. But my father for example, was/is not in good health. He had me when he was 40 and my sister when he was 43. He is going ot be 70 next year and there and you could see the difference when I was in late high school and when in uni. My friends who had parents who were 10 years younger had a very different family dynamic.

That said the grandma in my au pair family was 65ish when I was there and fit as a whip with plenty of energy and very active. So for me its really an individual thing, not the actual number.


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I'm pregnant and will be 40 when the babe is born, and my DH will be 44. Our son is 5. In our case it wasn't a total choice - infertility was a definite factor. Ideally we'd be 5 years back, but who gets an ideal life anyway?

I think there are some things to consider, but there are at any age.

Our mortgage should, as long as we continue to be gainfully employed, be paid off within a decade which will give us some breathing room for education (although we have savings for that too). We don't have huge retirement accounts but they're reasonably healthy. We have pretty good insurance. I think it is important to work for a balance that way. We're also not looking at "our kids care for us" as a long-term health plan -- we'll pick a retirement home and suck it up.









We are through a lot of the instability we had in our 20s and early 30s and don't miss partying at night, aren't struggling in grad school, etc. etc. etc. I think there are a lot of tradeoffs and I'm comfortable with where we're at. I kind of feel like - yeah we might slow down and do a few fewer things, but we might also be better at choosing what's important. Just how we've developed as people.

For health sure, you have to think about it. My DH has been biking more this year as he's realizing he has to put some effort in to stay healthy, but struggles a bit with weight. I lost 30 lbs earlier this year (before getting pregnant) and also have upped my workouts, and some of that is wanting to stay as strong and healthy as possible for our kids. It isn't a guarantee but it's what we can do, and as a bonus our son gets to live that healthy lifestyle with us (when we manage it!)

For menopause my mother went through early menopause at 40 so - no guarantees!

With grandparents - sure I've had that thought, that I might not to get to be a younger healthier grandmother. On the other hand, I might! There are so many active and healthy 60 and even 70 year olds out there.


----------



## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 

My mom's oldest kid is 30. Her youngest is 4. My mom had him when she was 44? Somewhere around there. She has grandkids older than her youngest son







It works for her! When I had my son my mom was often mistaken for HIS mom and I was mistaken for the nanny/babysitter/sister. LOL! Of course, it didn't help that I *was* the nanny for my mom's now 8 year old dd (her 8 year old dd and my ds are only 14 months apart in age).

When one of the girls were out with Dylan when he was a baby, they were mistaken for his mother and got dirty looks from people who thought that they were teen moms, especially Angela since she was only 13.5 when he was born. It was easier on Joy since she was 20 and Dylan really did look like he could be her son. I'm mistaken for Dylan's grandmother especially when we are all out together with the "real" grandchildren. Dylan started introducing me as his "real mom, not my grandmother" when he was in elementary school. He has teachers that are younger than Angela.


----------



## momct (Apr 15, 2008)

I was 46 and my husband 47 when our only child was born.He is now 8.He is the great love of my life and my husband's too.We all adore each other and have much richer lives because of him.We are aware of our mortality as my husband was diagnosed with cancer last year. He went through treatment and is currently cancer free.My son's heart will break if the cancer reoccurs and my husband dies but that is not a reason for me to think we shouldn't have had him.You have the potential to have a long happy time together and should live your life in the present and enjoy it rather than anticipating potential problems that may or may not occur.


----------



## JavaFinch (May 26, 2002)

I only read the first page, but just wanted to say that I wouldn't avoid having children just because your situation isn't perfect or ideal. If that were a prerequisite to having children, then most people shouldn't be having them.

I had my son at 27, he is 11 now, and my dad lives way up north, rarely see him, and my mom, who lives very close, isn't involved at all. Neither of my parents would make good guardians. Both my sisters are selfish people whom I never speak to. I hang out with a friend's family often - she has parents who love to have the kids over and cook for them, sit around on a Sunday and play games, etc. I don't have that at ALL with my family, and my parents had me at 20 and 21 years old. My mom would rather go gambling than come over for dinner, and she would rather pluck out her own fingernails than actually cook FOR anyone and have them over!

Obviously we all know there are no guarantees in life, but I just wanted to point that out again









That all being said, I think you're 'too old' when you are at the age where the average woman can no longer get pregnant. I won't say menopause, because some women have premature ovarian failure in their 20's or early 30's, and I certainly wouldn't say they shouldn't see a doctor to get pregnant! But if a woman is a bit past the average and still wants a baby and needs some help, really, big deal. Lots of young people have babies into volatile situations every day. Like I said, if only ideal parents could have babies, there wouldn't be that many parents. Most of us are flawed to a degree that someone could argue we shouldn't have kids (whether it's a crappy extended family, like in my case, age, income level, education, temperment, mental health status, etc.) Rather than say none of those people should conceive, I think it's best to just give people the benefit of the doubt, old or young.


----------



## JavaFinch (May 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karanyavel* 
My dad was 53 when I was born. "Introverted misanthropes" would be a pretty good description of my parents, haha. I don't care.. I loved our laidback lifestyle with no bustling around to various activities or what-have-you. I never even met another kid (other than my 8-years-older brother) until I was almost six.

Anyway, dad is 85 now, mom is about to turn 60 (and she has cerebral palsy). I don't think I missed out on anything and I'm absolutely happy with the way I was raised and love having a dad old enough to tell me his stories from the Great Depression and WWII...

--K

Wow, this is great! I'd love to hear more about your childhood!


----------



## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

My DH and I were determined to have our kids young (he is 30, I am 33, and our eldest is six). We have cherished plans for our fifties that involve early retirement and not having kids at home. But honestly, I think that WE'RE the weirdos in this, our decision to spawn young was entirely self-centered, and that most couples who don't want to be wandering expats for a decade have no reason not to have kids in their forties. Lots of my kid's peers have older parents, and they seem to be doing great.


----------



## JavaFinch (May 26, 2002)

Just an interesting spinoff of PP's post. She said she had her kids 'young' and her eldest was born when she was 27. That's how old I was when I had my son and I *did* feel like a pretty 'young' mom. Then I waited until he was 2.5 to TTC #2 and suffered through almost 6 years infertility to finally conceive DD via IVF - so in SIX years (well, 8.5 if you go from birth but I still felt 'young' when DS was 2.5 and I was 29) I went from feeling 'young' to being 'advanced maternal age' when I was pregnant. Life is short!!!


----------



## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Well, dh is 31 and feels like he's too old to have any more kids









I personally wouldn't want to conceive after 35. By the time I'm in my 50s I'd rather be loving on grandbabies that raising my own kids.


----------



## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I haven't read all the other replies, but had to chime in because my situation is very very similar! My partner is 14 years older than me, He is 45 and I am 31. We already have two kids each from previous marriages and I would really really like one more that we have together. I dont think age is that big of a deal for men. My ex's Dad was in his late 40's when he started his second set of kids and he is still very much an active and wonderful Dad, and he is now almost 80!

I say go for it.....but you can see why I say that....lol


----------



## cyncyn (Nov 19, 2004)

I think any age is fine if you are healthy and have a stable life situation. When I think about having a new baby now, I think about how much I like being able to sleep in on the weekends! I was 37 when I had dd, after being married 11 years. Now I'll be 45 in a few months and I do feel like I might be too old. Since I had e a mc in 2006, I would probably be a bit of a nervous wreck. We had CVS with dd, but I'm not sure I'd do that again. DH is 3 years younger and is pretty healthy. We will be in our 50s when dd starts college, our house will be nearly paid off. DD would love a sibling, and I do wish we could have had a child earlier in our marriage. C'est la vie, you never know!


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I was 43 and hubby was 50 when we had our first. "The numbers mean nothing" we used to say. Seriously, we don't feel old, and we just met & got married (first marriage for both) a few years prior, so we just went for it. (our child was quite a surprise, to say the least) My husband has longevity in his family; his mom is 84 and still going strong; her dad lived to 102. My family has always been mostly healthy too. The only thing is that transitioning into menopause makes me a little iffy sometimes.  But we travel with a younger crowd because of the things we've joined and become a part of that involve our son (like church, local homeschooling groups, playgroups & neighbors etc.). All the other parents of similarly-aged kids are much younger than us.

We do have a will drawn up, with arrangements made for our son should something happen to us.


----------



## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm 31 and DH is 54. We just had our second child in july. We might or might not have more.

Here's what I know: DH is an amazing dad who is present every day in his childrens' lives. He loves them and gives them everything they could ask for in a father.

Here's what I don't know: How long either of us will live. We could perish in a car crash tomorrow. My cousin did just that at 34 and left behind his wife and triplets.

Starting age is no guarantee of a long life with your kids. We just never know. I think it's more important to look at the quality of the parent. There are lots of young men out there fathering kids left and right who never see or care for them.


----------



## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Just saw something on facebook that made me think of this thread - a woman visiting her home country and posing in a pic with a teenager, and she explains "me and my granddad's teenage daughter. He's 90... you do the math!" So here's a guy having kids in his 70s and while he may well not be there for when she's in her 20s... she has a beautiful smile and is probably very glad to be alive.









As for me, my mom had me at 36 which was considered quite late in the 60s. She died of cancer when she was 52 and I was 16... but you know what? I have never once in my life (even at 16) not been clear that she was an AWESOME mom, and that even 16 yrs with her was better than a lifetime with another mom who wasn't her. I have never felt abandoned, and never felt not loved and cherished by her. Of course I wish she was still alive - would much rather have her here today than not! But I believe that whenever it's our time to go, if we've been the best parents we can be, it makes a huge difference in our kids lives, whatever age they are when we pass.

In other words... if you've made back up plans in case of emergency and you're feeling good... go for it!


----------



## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

my mom had a kid when she was 43, her daughter is 10 months older than DS2 (we were nursing them the same time LOL) she would have one now if she could
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
just because you are 27 doesnt mean you will see 30.

just coz your dh is 62 doesnt mean he WONT see 90.

This is very true. My dad was 13 years older than my mom, so she always worried about his being old while we were growing up and wanted him to take it easier. Then my got lung cancer a few years ago. My very old dad (yea, I get the stories of the great depression and WW2 also,) is still around to be a grandfather, but my relatively young mother isn't around to be a grandma anymore.

Many years ago, my grandmother had a friend, who was in her lat 80s. The friend had a daughter who was in her late 50s. GM's friend was perfectly healthy, able to get around, and in fully mentally capable. She was caring for her daughter again, b/c her daughter had Alzheimer's. There just are no guarantees in life.


----------



## SnowSparrow (Sep 1, 2010)

I'm 36 and pg with my 7th







6th pregnancy, our oldest is not biologically ours. We're totally content with the age. My husband is 39, and we're actually planning on having another two if nature provides us, in about 5-6 years, intending to be older parents with our hopeful future younger children. Our oldest will undoubtedly be at university or graduated from it by then, and our 2nd will likely be driving and pretty independent. We want later-in-life kids









I was raised by my grandparents from the age of 2, who themselves were older when my mother, their only child, was born. They were in their early 80's by the time I was grown and fully independent. My grandfather passed 4 years ago at 98, my grandmother is still alive and kickin and will be 101 in February. She has always said that having me to raise kept her young and kept her alive through 2 battles with cancer and her only child having passed very young. They were great to me. I don't want to be _quite_ that old, but I know it can be done, and done admirably at that!

I'd say if he's okay with having another child in his 40's, go for it! You'll have drawbacks in every situation. Being a younger parent has them too, and there's actually very few years which are considered fully, nearly universally "acceptable" in western culture, in which to have children. "_Under 30 is way too young, 33 is a bit early, 35 is getting old and 40 is practically child abuse!_" It's all noise. If you both want another child and you're in a decent situation in which to have one, his age shouldn't stop you any!

Good luck in making your decisions as a family!


----------



## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

Menopause for a woman. I'd worry about a father over somewhere like 50 or 60, I think there are studies indicating that male genetic material also deteriorates with age.

Personally, I'm not a fan of having children super-early. It makes completing an education and beginning a career more difficult. So I chose to wait.

But I also worry about genetic risks and down syndrome. The risk increases as women pass age 40. I will take the next child that we get, I just worry a little about risk.

I have brothers who were born when my parents were in their late 30's. One is in college now, the other a senior in high school. Mom passed away last spring, and the college student had to retake English over the summer. It's hard, but children and young adults can be resilient. And there is no guarantee that it will happen that way for anyone else.

I also have an aunt & uncle with small children. I think their birth child was born when she was in her 40s. They seem to be a very loving, mostly-happy family.


----------



## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

Didn't read all the replies.

I would say when a woman's body decides it's time to stop being fertile, then it is time to stop having children. Any other time before that is none of anyone else's business.

I am 42 and pregnant with my 5th child. All is well and we are able to provide for this babe and although he was a big surprise, he is wanted and already loved and a welcome addition to our busy, chaotic lives.


----------



## Rnejic (Nov 6, 2009)

I just wanted to come back on here and say that apparently this thread didn't matter all that much since I was probably already pregnant again when I posted it... just got a BFP tonight! Totally unexpected! But we are very grateful!


----------



## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Congrats!


----------



## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rnejic* 
I just wanted to come back on here and say that apparently this thread didn't matter all that much since I was probably already pregnant again when I posted it... just got a BFP tonight! Totally unexpected! But we are very grateful!

Congratulations!!







HH9M

I was coming on to add...dh was raised by his grandparents. His gran passed away last year at 90. She thought it wonderful we were in our 30s (34)when we had ds. She had her oldest when in her early 20s and then the other 2 in her 30s. She said she loved having children in her 30s even more than 20s.


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

I'm currently pregnant at 40, and think this is too old (ie. there is nothing unethical about having a kid in your 40's, I'm speaking to energy level and health). My husband & I both feel that the optimal time is one's late 20's, but unfortunately neither of us was in a place to do so at the time. Our first was born when I was 34, and that was the upper limit of doable energy-wise, in my opinion.

But your situation is different, for you are in your 20's even though your husband is around my age. You will still have the energy, health, and earning power to do it.

************************************************
editing to add "congratulations!", just read your post. That's awesome!


----------



## ohiomommy1122 (Jul 7, 2006)

that is a very hard choice, no advice ,but hugs to you

edited to say congrats on your BFP


----------



## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

OP, congratulations! And I just wanted to say, I can commiserate. My DH is 17 years older than me, and I have had all the same thoughts. I've often questioned if we should even entertain the idea of having more kids. It's not a possibility at this point, but.... I really don't know what the right answer is for us, but I know that it's definitely not a situation where, at your DH's current age, no one should go on to have more kids.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Do you have a loving community or tribe in which to share this child? Do you have younger guardians picked out in case something should happen to both of you before your new child turns 21?
> 
> If you can honestly say yes to both these things, then go for it. If you are introverted misanthropes who live a life away from others then I don't think it is fair to the new little person given your ages.


And I think this is REALLY harsh. My DH and I aren't introverts, but our families are lacking something to be desired. We have two kids now, and truthfully, if something happened to both DH and I, our kids would be totally screwed. So.... We shouldn't have had any kids then?


----------



## Aliy (Jun 1, 2010)

ahhh my fil is 52 and his new wife is 44 they have two children together 2 1/2 and 8 months.... and they are trying for a third....

they aren't too old..

congrats on the BFP


----------

