# 4 year olds and antagonistic behavior



## goylesgirl (Feb 5, 2006)

Hi, I am hoping for some insight dealing with the antagonism that is driving me crazy right now. Background, I am a SAHM with a 2 daughters ages 4 and 2. I also care for my friends daughter who is 4 as well. My friends daughter is a very bright, interactive girl, however, her desire for interaction can sometimes manifest itself in negative behavior. She has a long history of biting and rough behavior. She started to grow out of it, but has recently had a couple of episodes. My main concern, however, is it seems her aggressive nature has taken on a more sophisticated form of verbal antagonism and now my daughter is doing it too (not to me-mostly to each other). It's like all they want to do is fight and make each other feel bad. Fighting over what chair they sit in, who gets to open the door, who can chew the fastest... There is also taunting with toys and threatening to take toys that are known to be special. Which leads me to a sharing question I have, but I need to go now, so maybe some one has some ideas for me????

Thanks


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## goylesgirl (Feb 5, 2006)

Anyone?

Well, I might as well continue...the sharing issue...Usually I let the child who had the toy first keep playing with it untill they are done and it has worked out fairly well. Now, it seems if I am not watching them like a halk (which is impossible) there will be screaming over a toy often escallating to pushing grabbing, ect... Both of them say they had it first, or they weren't done playing with it, they just left it alone for a little while (example-the doll was sleeping). I tried putting the toy in a time out, but then when there was fighting, one of the girls would want to keep playing with it and one would tell me to put it in time out, like more important than playing with the toy, was keeping the other person from it







:

Anyone have any ideas for me????


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

How much "discipline" leeway do you have with the child whom you babysit? That might change how you can deal with the situation. But assuming you have some...

I think I would start be establishing rules that you can live with and the girls can understand. No pushing, no grabbing, no teasing might be a start. Or, to spin to the positive, respecting each other, if you think you can explain that. Then have a clearly articulated easy consequence. I would probably say if they can't respect each other then they will need to play separately. Since you can't know who started what and the history of each incident, enforce across the board -- everyone needs to put the disputed toy away and needs to separate (different rooms if possible, at least different activities). Be sure you aren't favoring any one child because no matter which way that goes you will breed lots of resentment.

At the same time, you probably need to up your supervision during the day. Yes, this is probably inconvenient and will push household tasks into the evening or weekends. But you have an employer responsibility to the one family and a moral obligation to your own children. Plan more cooperative activities, more outings if possible, more hands-on stuff to do each day. Maybe institute a preschool home schooling curriculum or something similar to add more structure and interaction to the day.

And, as always, double-check your routine to make sure that the kids are getting the basics -- sleep, good nutrition and whatever else needs to be in place to make things run as smoothly as possible. For yourself as well as the kids


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