# Mean, unhappy, difficult 6 year old boy



## Leah00 (Mar 16, 2015)

My son is 6 years old. He can be really, really sweet and funny. He's a smart boy who does well in kindergarten. 

Often though he just gets so upset and unhappy. It scares me because I worry that he's depressed or something. It's always over little things. For instance, yesterday we had a fun day planned at the zoo. Things were ok until he decided he was hungry while we were in line for an exhibit. We told him that he needed to wait and tried to give him some popcorn. He starts yelling "NO! I don't want popcorn, I want something else!" We are in a crowded line so we are quietly trying to tell him to settle down. Then he crosses his arms and refuses to talk to us or look at anything. We were trying to get him to look at the animals and he was covering his ears and looking down. I lose my temper and grab his chin and tell him to stop acting like this right now. So then, of course, he starts crying and things got even worse. After he calmed down I apologized to him and we went to eat lunch. He was fine then...for awhile.
He said he didn't have a fun day because we wouldn't buy him a big stuffed monkey. He said he hated us when we said it was time to leave. 
On our way home we tried to ask him what his favorite part of the weekend was (it was a little two day family trip) and he yelled at us for talking to him. 
Today I bought him a small toy and when I gave it to him, he smacked it out of my hand and yelled "I don't want it!" 

He just makes things so hard sometimes! We try to be a really active family and we do lots of day trips and weekend trips. We absolutely LOVE doing things with our kids. It seems like every time we do something there are times when I think "Why do we even try?!" Or "We should have left him home." It's like nothing is ever good enough for him. 

I'm not blameless. I lose my temper a lot with him. I get so angry when I try to do nice, fun things for him and he acts so ungrateful and mean. I have said mean things to him and been rough with him at times when he's acting like this, which makes things worse. What happens is that he starts being hateful and mean, I try to console him, he rejects all attempts, then I lose my temper and yell or say something hurtful to him...then I feel like a complete failure and horrible mother.

The thing is, he does just fine at school. He listens, plays well with other kids, follows directions... Which means that we are the problem. 

I've been trying to ignore his outbursts. Today, for instance, when he smacked his new toy out of my hand I just calmly put it up and started making dinner. He pouted for awhile but I didn't try to console him. Then he started crying but I still kept making dinner. Finally he said "I do want that toy" and I asked him if he wanted to apologize to me first and he did. He's been super sweet and cute since then.

Advice? Anyone else been through this? I just get so worried that something is wrong with him and that he's going to grow up and be depressed and angry. If he's this unhappy as a 6 year old, how is he going to cope as a teenager? Or is he just spoiled? Does he just know that mommy and daddy will jump through hoops for him?


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

Hey there, mama. I have twin 6 year old boys. I can relate to a lot of what you describe about having trouble with feeling discouraged after trying to be supportive, and then saying or doing things you know aren't going to help, and ending up with regrets, also recognizing that you've contributed to the mess. And of course that influences their feelings going forward (there's more for them to process or offload.)

I wanted to say that I think I understand what you're saying when you say that him doing so well at school means that you guys are the problems in the equation, and I do think that our kids' behaviors and difficulties can signal what is hard for them in the family dynamic, but I also believe that sometimes kids save their difficult feelings for their safest people. Sometimes, coping well at school is a LOT of work, and if kids stuff some of their emotions during those hours and accumulate some feelings of frustration, injustice, hurt (feeling misunderstood or unfairly treated or somewhat disconnected just in the course of what happens in the day), they probably are primed to spill it all eventually! I think in the course of a day kids encounter situations of all sorts that can leave them feeling moments of self-doubt or insecurity, or comparing themselves not-so-favorably with others, or not feeling welcomed in a social interaction. And getting along and cooperating, adapting themselves, is stressful. The feelings about those experiences can come out later, with you, without it meaning that you are "a problem."

Also, I think children can store up feelings from overwhelming experiences of many kinds that they didn't get to work through (express fully, with supportive attention, which is how we all process hurtful, scary or overwhelming experiences & traumas) in the past, so it's also completely possible that very old feelings can get triggered at times. It can feel mystifying (I'll have thoughts like things seem to be going so well....we're doing so much better as parents being more resourced and reliable....they're making such progress in many ways, and then WHAM. There's so much UPSET and there's all this STUFF needing release. Does it mean something is wrong?) But it does make sense that when things are going well, and kids feel safe & there's a lot of support/attention/affection, they WILL show you what hurts if there's something/anything that needs processing. And if a child had a difficult beginning, or experienced early medical interventions, (or simply if the parents were significantly preoccupied and overwhelmed at some period early in the child's life), it makes sense that the feelings of fear, struggle, urgency or need from those times could "come out" seemingly inexplicably years later, when the child is old enough and secure enough to better tolerate feeling them directly. Peter Levine and several others who write about childhood trauma describe this kind of thing.

I try not to analyze too much in the moment, so I avoid deciding that the behavior "is" this or that (i.e., deciding that I'm seeing stress from school coming out in behavior at home), but I do try to stay open to the idea that it isn't necessarily happening "because of" me/my parenting.

One of my boys has recently seemed so impatient and unsatisfied--not all the time, but definitely recurring. I started to wonder if he feels that way--like if he is speaking to us/me the way it feels like I treat him (even though I really try to be conscious, I wonder about his experience, if I seem impatient and negative and hard-to-please, to him.) In a close moment, I responded to his barked "orders" for me to "hurry up" by sincerely asking him if it feels like I'm always/often impatient with him, and he surprised me by saying "No, but I just feel that way a lot of the time. I don't know why." It didn't really give me "answers" but it reminded me that there can be a variety of reasons for the feelings that drive their difficult attitudes and behaviors, and it's not really useful to think that it's my "fault." Especially if my feelings about that interfere with being able to be supportive rather than reactive in the moment!! Since my son is a twin, I can imagine that he could carry very old feelings of urgency and feelings of never having what he needed quite WHEN he needed it, the FEELING of "always having to wait," because from the very beginning he has spent a lot of his life waiting his turn (for feedings, diaper changes, being held...), and a lot of time sharing people and things. It's this way to varying degrees for siblings, classmates, etc.

Seeing the feelings being expressed in the words and behaviors, and reflecting back this awareness, might help with the processing. I do see his flexibility increase when I can empathize with the feelings and make a lot of room for him, even if I'm not granting his "demands." Connection really does help because it meets such an important need (and they are feeling disconnected, lonely, unloved/unlovable when they act disconnected!)




In your last example, it sounds like maybe by not reacting directly, you gave your son some space to have his internal experience and move through his feelings. He was able to acknowledge that he DID want the toy you'd given him (even though he initially impulsively yelled the opposite.) In a moment like that, with him acknowledging that aloud, I probably would reflect back something about what had happened, something that might convey the understanding I can feel for that kind of miserable feeling (because I CAN remember feeling miserable as a child, and saying/doing something I didn't even mean just because I FELT so lousy and felt compelled to SHOW it somehow. Which is what "acting out" feelings is all about.) I feel a lot of compassion for the kiddo who goes through that struggle, and then realizes how they really feel, and I think they do benefit or gain from us giving back to them a reflection of their experience that makes some sense of it, and also shows them that they make sense to us and that we can connect to them even in their hateful or awful moments. (We can understand that they are feeling miserable, for whatever reason, and acting it out vividly.)

I do want my kids to become more skillful, both in being able to tolerate (internally) the uncomfortable experience of HAVING these feelings in their bodies, and also in being able to express them in ways that are not alienating. But I believe that ability to contain their own emotions comes from experience....from receiving emotional containment from their parents, and from making sense of the experience with their parents, and simply from becoming more open to "negative" emotions. A lot of the messiness is from the fact that they are resisting the feelings, and a lot of our (adult) reactions are fundamentally resistance so it doesn't help! I would be in a lot better shape to parent skillfully if I had received more support (and less resistance) as a child, that's for sure.

Anyway, I think the way "out" (to that more skillful, emotionally mature place) is "through." Navigating these times is what provides the growth. Whether or not they're perfectly on track in terms of the nature & frequency of their upsets, or whether they have MORE issues than they "should" because they've accumulated some baggage along the way, I think the key is to work with what you have and respond as optimally as possible, and you'll be contributing to the most positive outcome.

One more thing I wanted to say is that it's often after very fun, close times that kids will suddenly seem most upset and hard to please. I think they are wired with the instinct to try to heal what hurts (release the stuff that is heavy to carry around) when there's a good opportunity. It's not conscious. I think when they feel good and close, that old hurts or painful feelings of need/wanting, or of not having the attention/understanding they wanted at some time in the past, can bubble up and cloud the picture. There's room to feel really miserable when you've got some safety and closeness. Joy or caring can trigger what hurts to show itself. I know I don't always see those moments as opportunities for helping and healing....I see them as problems or as unjustified, unreasonable (they're being ungrateful etc.) I think that just piles on the miserableness. Instead of feeling understood and okay as they are, they recognize that we're displeased with them.

Keep in mind that he probably is just as confused by the feelings and behaviors, and could use some reassurance that you know he is a good boy who is having a hard time. Sometimes for me, "reflecting their experience" translates to noticing aloud that it seemed to me like he was having a really hard time, feeling really lousy back when he said XYZ. Kids do learn to say what they are feeling (rather than saying "mean things") when they're upset, but I think they are more likely to do this when their ugly words are met with acceptance and understanding, and when we reflect back that they weren't happy with what we did/decided, or they're really unhappy with a situation, etc. Rather than taking them to task over the specific way their feelings came out. (This is true with hitting and other behaviors, too. "Rude" words are a step up over physically acting out anger, even though they're still primitive expressions.) The more we can accept their feeling expressions right where they are, showing warmth, AND also modeling (via our responses) other ways of communicating the same feelings, the more we're supporting their growth.


Anyway, you are not alone with having a six year old who expresses a lot of unhappiness! One of mine has shifted into a startlingly resilient, flexible place but the other is showing low tolerance for frustration and is quick to express unhappiness and impatience (if ever I am not paying attention well enough, etc.) Have faith and try to love him through it, and try to give yourself space and support for your own feelings of hurt and discouragement, so that they are not working against you in stressful moments with your son. Self-compassion is probably the thing that makes the most dramatic difference in how things go for me. Supporting and allowing my own feelings and reactions (so that I'm not routinely and chronically "acting them out") really helps me to support and allow my children's feelings.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

A lot of them get like that around that age mine did/do sometimes, the older was the prince of that outburst stuff. For me consequences are a must but we have to try and not lose our temper about it. My husband especially is bothered by the extremely ungrateful moments, that's the worst.

I have to demand they try to express themselves politely any time this stuff crops up. Very first outburst, full stop. Get where you can look each other in the eye but don't grab them. I say that's rude, I understand you are saying you feel ___ but start over, please say it this way instead, with no fits, then you'll get your answer. Sit and cool down as long as you need to first, or do a few pushups (I have mine do double their age to work off steam and pause for a bit at times like those), whatever it takes. It is how it is, I'm not mad but this needs to change so try again. With calm and consistent correction they do outgrow it, my 8 yo mostly did and my 5 yo steadily decreases it. Not all kids do, and I know parents with more sporadic approaches whose 12 year olds still get like that.


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## Leah00 (Mar 16, 2015)

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone! It's so scary wondering if his negative thoughts and feelings are normal 6 year old "stuff" or something more. I love him so much and I just want him to grow up to be a confident, happy person.

When you talked about a difficult start in childhood, at first thought no way since things have always been pretty much the same in our family life. We have always been a loving, stable family.
But then it hit me that he actually did have a (slightly) rough start. He was a very happy baby. Very content and smiley. The easiest, sweetest baby ever! But as he grew older we realized that he had stopped "babbling" and started only making one sound with different inflections. "Ahh" was the only sound he made. Every time he wanted something we had to go through a guessing list to see what he was trying to tell us while he got more and more upset. He would get so angry and frustrated while we tried to figure out what he was trying to tell us. 
When he was 2 years old he started seeing a speech therapist at home. There was no change and the sessions seemed to stress him out. Neither him nor I clicked with the home therapist. She would just sit on the floor and give him a puzzle piece if he made the sound she asked him to, but he didn't care about the puzzles so he'd just get up and start playing with his toys. One day she actually got really frustrated with him for not interacting with her and grabbed his arm roughly and raised her voice to him...so we were done with her after that (and she works with special needs children!).
Finally we found an absolutely amazing pediatric therapy specialist and she helped him (and me) so much!! I will be forever in her debt! Her therapy space had giant bouncy balls, swings, soft climbing toys, a slide, and more! He was immediately engaged from day one. I'll never, ever forget the first session when she grabbed a giant ball that he was eyeing down and started bouncing it around the room. She was laughing like a child and asked him if he wanted to play and he nodded and said "ahh ahh" and she told him that he had to say ball. He said "ahh" and she kept bouncing it and laughing and being silly singing "ball ball ball". He was jumping up and down with excitement and finally shouted "BAH!" It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life and it still brings tears to my eyes. 
After about a year of seeing her twice a week and then another 2 years in a special preschool program, he completely caught up to his peers. We aren't sure what caused the speech delay and he never showed any other signs of something being wrong.

But I've never considered that those early years of him not really being able to communicate could have caused some sort of emotional delay. 
We have a 4 year old daughter who started talking early and she seems much more emotionally stable. She's upset when she doesn't like something and happy when she does. She doesn't leave us guessing like he does. 

This definitely gives me something to think about.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

One rule to follow is to ignore harmless unwanted behavior.

You see here what happened when you directed lots of emotion-infused attention toward harmless pouting:



Leah00 said:


> I lose my temper and grab his chin and tell him to stop acting like this right now. So then, of course, he starts crying and things got even worse. After he calmed down I apologized to him and we went to eat lunch. He was fine then...for awhile.


Here's what happened when you ignore harmless outbursts:



> I've been trying to ignore his outbursts. Today, for instance, when he smacked his new toy out of my hand I just calmly put it up and started making dinner. He pouted for awhile but I didn't try to console him. Then he started crying but I still kept making dinner. Finally he said "I do want that toy" and I asked him if he wanted to apologize to me first and he did. He's been super sweet and cute since then.


But, ignoring the harmless stuff is not the most important rule, you must not rely on ignoring alone. The most important rule is:



> The best way to eliminate an unwanted behavior is to build a strong alternative behavior in its place, what's called the positive opposite of the unwanted behavior.


http://alankazdin.com/the-kazdin-me...with-no-pills-no-therapy-no-contest-of-wills/


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## SplashingPuddle (Jun 23, 2012)

I wonder about taking a break from the exciting trips (like the zoo) for a while, but not as a punishment. I wonder if its too much stimulation. Perhaps a routine around home might be more reassuring for awhile. 

Also, I find it helps to prepare my kids in advance for situations. If we're going to be going through a gift shop, I remind them in advance that the stuffed animals are for looking at but not taking home with us.


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