# The baby came out last night.



## Caring Touch (Sep 4, 2002)

If you are sensitive to details then you probably won't want to read this just so you are warned. I also warn that this will probably be a long one.

I don't really know how I feel today. I guess I feel shocked, numb, and sad.

It was all so perfect.

We've been trying for 4 months already without any success, so I broke down and actually went and bought some ovulation predictors so I could be accurate. Well, one night I got depressed for the first time because I didn't think I ovulated. I was being irrational and emotional, and I was pouting something awful. It felt like the pits because I am usually very positive. I gave up that night. Don't know why but I just felt like I emotionally gave up. My husband was great about it, trying to make me smile. That night when I went to bed I felt much better, no more pouting, but still feeling like I give up.

The next morning I got up and peed on the stick because that's what I had been doing as my routine and I figured I might as well use up the last 2 sticks I had. I just left the stick there, not even bothering to look at it, not even thinking to look at it. I went to bed and my huband and I got romantic with one another and it felt really, really special. We had romantic love making and I felt so connected to him. Afterward he went into the bathroom to get ready and he starts yelling "you're ovulating, you're ovulating" and runs in with the stick that was lit up like a Christmas tree. We were both so happy that we just laughed out loud. It was perfect because we weren't even "trying".

Later that day everybody was telling me that I am glowing and they didn't even know what happened that morning. I was just SO happy that it was radiating.

Well, we waited until Christmas morning to test, although we both had a feeling. He wanted us to wait until Christmas so it would be romantic. I agreed, but at 3:30am I had to wake him up and I told him that technically I waited until Christmas morning but my 2 week wait was up and I wasn't going to wait another minute. hehehe.

Well it lit up like a Christmas tree again. I felt shocked even though I kind of knew. We were so happy. Later that morning, at a reasonable hour, we called our family (we live out of town while we are in school) to tell them the good news. Both sides of the family were so happy that they all cried. My sister actually dropped to the floor crying with joy for us. It was a true celebration for everybody. A family couldn't have been happier.

The next day it really hit me when I was alone. That I actually have the little baby inside of me. I cried with joy.

I was 3 1/2 weeks gestation.

2 days later it was evening time and I went to go to the restroom. I noticed some spotting and got a pit in my stomach. I knew that was not good. I called desperately to my husband to look at it. So we went on the Internet and everything we found said that it's not too uncommon to have spotting. But I freaked and panicked. I got in the car to go to the hospital, but on the way calmed down enough to realize that there was nothing they could do for me. So I turned around and decided just to sit with myself, relax, and listen to my body.

By doing so I just had a feeling that this really was not good. Plus, the blood kept coming. We talked to a midwife who mentioned what to look for: bright red blood with cramping.

By the next morning bright red blood was coming out and I was cramping. It was so sad. On top of it my husband was called out to work on an emergency. I think it was good for him to go though. It gave me some time to be by myself. I actually did some yoga with deep breathing and massage. I drank lots of water, and prayed for our well-being. I was feeling strong and clear. I massaged my uterus a lot to help it come out faster. I paid attention to what my body needed. I feel very proud of that. I didn't run to the nearest doctor and ask them to handle it. I just sat there by myself, trusting my body to do what it needs to. It was my first instinct to go for help at first and SO easy to do. I just feel blown away that I was able to sit with it and trust. It's amazing to me. I guess that is the silver lining in the story.

When I would go to the restroom clumps of dark stringy blood would come out. This happened all day long and I figured that since my three week baby was so small it was probably in one of those clumps. Yesterday, which was my thrid day of bleeding, I figured that it was all down hill from there. That the last bits were emptying.

Well, last night I was cramping really hard, but I didn't think much of it. I thought that my body was just tired. But at 3:30 I went to the bathroom for a routine trip and when I went to wipe I noticed a LARGE clump hanging there. I picked it up with the tissue and it was a large contained bubble that was hard. It was the size of a very large walnut with a strong cord attached to it. I am assuming that was the umblicial cord. I just sat there in shock! OMG. OMG. I couldn't even move. I didn't know what to do. I went and woke up my husband and we sat there looking at it. It didn't even look human. I felt scared and I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't feel maternal, I just felt like I was in a state of shock. I figured that it had already slipped out, but here it was in the palm of my hand. It was unreal. It was scary looking to be honest. I felt like a dead alien just fell out of my body. That is the weirdest feeling on earth.

My husband took it from me and wrapped it up. We are going to go bury it later tonight.

Afterward I felt like I was frozen. I felt like I was trapping so much fear in my pelvis. I went to bed and just started to breath deeply and move my body to release my fear. OMG. What strange emotions.

My husband is really sad too. We are doing great together though. We are both being really supportive of each other. I am very lucky to have him.

I was wondering how does the baby know to die? Does the body attack it? Or does it know itself to die? I am really curious about that. The wisdom of it all just astonishes me. I am blown away by this entire experience.

Does anybody have any thoughts on the process of miscarriage? Is it the baby or the Mom's body that decides? There is just SO much wisdom there. I am in awe (and shock).

Thank you in advance for reading my post. I just had to vent and let it all out somewhere and everybody here is always so loving and supportive. Thanks for listening.

Nikki


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I wish there were answers for your very valid questions.

Sometimes these things just happen. I don't think your body rejected it and I certainly don't think your baby rejected you. How could a baby not want to come to a mama who loved it so much already? Perhaps the little soul decided that the timing would be better if it were to come back in a few months...?

I doubt there is a problem with your body, 4 months is actually pretty quick to concieve (took us 3 months this time and those were the longest 3 months of my life). Miscarriage is so common, but since there's this taboo about loss in our culture no one talks about it, thereby perpetrating the myth that it does'nt happen, or that it only happens if the mama did something wrong. To admit that it could happen to anyone, even if they do everything right, is just too scary so people hide from it.

I wish I had something more comforting to say...

XM


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I am also very sorry. I don't really know what to say. I don't know much about miscarriage but I agree that it had nothing to do with you rejecting baby or baby rejecting you as was said above. There was a really good article on miscarriage..I can't think which issue...anyone know? I will be thinking and praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you just need to talk. Take care.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Nikki, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You must feel so devistated inside. It's normal to wonder why it happend, but the truth is 1 in 4 pregnancy's ends in loss - most of them, we never find out why. It's so frustrating.

Miscarriage can either be either a problum with the formation of the baby, or a problum with your body accepting the pregnancy. It's hard to say, and even harder to accept.

However, most people think a miscarriage is because there was a problum with the baby, that's actually been proven not true.

Nikki, I hope you feel comfortable to talk freely here. Many of the women have been through similar situations and can reach out to you and understand your pain.

Please take care of yourself. Eat healthy meals and keep your body hydrated. You'll be in my thoughts.

Gently,

Jacque


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Sorry...I forgot to say the article was from Mothering..I'll find out what issue..you can order back issues.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its wonderful you have such a loving dh to find comfort in









Megan

Take care of yourself...


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## BigBelly03 (Dec 3, 2002)

((((HUGS)))) Nikki, I am so sorry you had to go through something like this. I have lost five little ones to miscarriage now and it still is a great mystery to me as to why some babies stay and are born healthy(like my five kiddos) and why others leave too soon. Cherish the gift this little one brought to you during your 3 and half week pregnancy. Burying the baby and having a little ceremony and naming him/her will help you and your husband to heal. Don't be surprised if your husband is able to move through his grief much more quickly, it's just a guy thing, the way men are "wired" and not a sign that he doesn't love you or care about what happened. You will need more time so be patient with yourself. Wishing you peace and healing. ~~~~Debbie


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it's so unfair that anyone should lose a child.
Patience


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## Waterdrinker (Dec 13, 2002)

(don't know if that worked)

Hugs and prayers to you! I know how you feel. My angel baby died last Wednesday (found no heartbeat last Tuesday). Thank you for expressing your feelings about what was happening to your body. I've wanted to talk about what I saw, but didn't think anyone wanted to hear about that. Not a pretty sight. In the triage area of the womens' & babies' hospital, I went into a panic attack in the bathroom. I could hardly wipe myself - big bloody mess and stuff inside and out. So sad. The nurse had to help me. After the joy of pushing out my dd 16 months ago, the miscarriage was the direct opposite. On the "bright side" I was spared painful cramping (or I just have a high pain tolerance). Anyway I have to work on getting those images and feelings out of my mind. I suppose as with the pain in delivery, the memory will fade - but never of my angel baby.

Peace of God be with you.


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your losses, Nikki and Waterdrinker. One of my dd's was born still - they were twins so one died at 23 weeks but was not delivered until 36 weeks. Not very pretty. But still my DD! My 29 week DS was born still shortly after he died, so he was very beautiful...but even still his skin was starting break down and his color changed a lot over a few hours. Modern cultures have come so far from caring for our own dead that I think we forget what's involved.


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## Caring Touch (Sep 4, 2002)

We took our little three week baby to the ocean tonight and we were going to give it a sea burial, but the weather was stormy and I just simply could not bear 'throwing' it in. I got really mad because I felt like the only place our baby should be is with me. Tonight was tough. The ocean looked so vast, big, and lonely tonight. Not the place for my baby. So now we just have it in this little wooden box until we find a suitable place. We live in an apartment so unfortunately we don't have a backyard. We are hoping that the right place will come to us.

Luckily, I have a good sister who is flying into town tomorrow to come care for us. She is going to cook, clean, and give some loving. Isn't the sisterhood great!

Thank you so much for all of your thoughful responses. I really appreciate it.


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## LIBRAS MOM (Jul 27, 2002)

Nikki, just wanted to say I am thinking of you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

It must have been so hard when you saw the open sea. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have been.

You made the right decision. The right place will come to you when the time is right. Maybe when your sister is in town. I'm so glad she's coming in for you.

Gently,

Jacque


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello. I know how you feel and I'm sorry for your loss. I just lost our 9 week old baby over Christmas by m/c. Someone told me that the baby chose "us" to be mothers even if it was for a short time. Maybe the baby (spirit) needed love for a short while before fulfilling it's next mission. This made me feel better. Love to you, Abylite xoxo


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## kaje62 (Nov 20, 2001)

oh my gosh sweetie. your story is so sad. sounds so similar to our loss. when i passed the baby my doula friend who had had 5 miscarriages was with me and she knew it was the fetal sac. Anyway we buried the baby and did a ritual and planted a tree. Named the babe too. PM me if you want me to send you my story.


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## alixzara (Jun 26, 2002)

CaringTouch, I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been very in touch with this baby, and how lucky he or she was to have you looking after them, for however short a time.

You and your husband will find a wonderful resting place for your dear little angel...

Sending healing your way...
Debra


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## fullofhope (Apr 21, 2003)

I am so sorry! When we lost ours at 9 weeks, as we were sitting in the waiting room of the urgent care wondering if this was really it, my dh looked at me and said "I wonder if this is how God creates angels?" My consolation was that this little one never had to feel pain, be teased, or deal with a disability- she got a ticket straight to heaven, and one day I will again be able to hold her. Take care of yourself!


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## indigolilybear (Nov 28, 2001)

I have to say that I am so sorry for your loss too. I also feel compelled to add that your story is just beautifully written. I lost a couple of babies too and reading your story was very powerful and healing for me. What a life-changing experience. You sound like such a strong, brave and intuitive mama. You will find the perfect place to "rest" your little babe and no matter where that is, they will no doubt forever rest in your heart and soul. Blessings.


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## Axis (Jun 20, 2002)

Wow...you have so perfectly captures this experience. You have a new soul resting upon your shoulders. I don't know by *who's* choice, but it will forever be with/guide you







.

Many blessings....


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