# JANUARY Baby loss mamas chat thread



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

It is January and a whole new year!!!!!!!!!! I know many of us are hoping this is better than 2010.

Come join us through our grief, sorrow, joy, and frustrations. All baby loss mamas are welcome!!!!

I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread.

(If you have a problem with these guidelines or would like to add others let me know and I can change things)

With that said come on over ladies and I look forward to chatting with all of you this month!


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

Thankyou Theboysmama. I'm just taking my place here so I can find you later on.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Yup same. Just subbing to the thread.

Our christmas holiday sucked. DS has been puking for a week. I had food poisoning or something for a day. Ugh.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Dang I'm sorry to hear that blondie. It's so much harder to deal with sick kids when your mind is caught up in other things.

Thanks for the new thread Nicole.

gumblossom, I am so sorry for you loss but glad that you found us.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Thanks Krista.  I'm dreading DH going back to work on tues. DS better be healthy by then.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

oh bc that sucks!

I had a chest cold for the last 2 wks. My dad showed up sick and of course I was the first to get it bcs of how stressed and depressed I have been. Dh has a compromised immune system but he is just now getting it which is a bummer bcs I go back to work on monday and will start my full time hours. He will have the kiddos full time and it is gonna kick his butt!! and that is if he weren't sick. lol


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Ugh that sucks Nicole


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Sorry about the illnesses!

Gumblossom, I am sorry about your baby.







I am 42, and the baby we just lost was a surprise after years of infertility. I could relate to your posting about not wanting your childbearing years to end on this note.

Has another awkward moment, the mom of one of my son's best friends asked how I was feeling, but by her smile I knew she thought I was still pregnant. Ugh, I hate the moment of sharing the news and seeing the fallen face.  She got teary and said she was sorry, and I just automatically said "It's ok" and then kicked myself. I felt bad for her AND me! lol


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

where is everyone?

I start back to work tomorrow and with my full time hours too! I will be on here at night probably but won't be able to check in much. My job will probably go till the end of march or april, we'll see.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. I am thinking about all of you and so grateful that I have the support of this thread!


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Sorry Sage 

Nicole I hope you enjoy working again.

I'm doing ok. DS hasn't puked in a while so..


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Mhmmm... I'm back to work tomorrow too! Argh. It's only temp work, a 4 week contract - full time though, which will probably kill me.

Depends if I last it out or not, I guess. I'm hoping to just get through this contract, and then I will just be looking for something one or two days a week,

I have booked an appt on Saturday to have my tattoo sketched up. It's times like these I wish I was artistic, but never mind - it's kind of exciting.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Hi Everyone. I've been decidely absent from here for about a month. I needed some healing space and felt I was focusing too much on my loss and not on life. We had a busy two weeks of holidays and I am getting back to routine tomorrow (DD is back at preschool and DH is back to work). I am hoping for a MUCH better 2011...I honestly don't think I can handle anything worse! That being said, I still miss my baby like crazy and I randomly cry over him. Two nights this week I have started bawling as I lay in bed trying to sleep. Tonight my DH said to me "let's put 2010 behind us." While that sounds perfectly fine and all, how the heck am I supposed to just put my son's entire existence behind me? I want this to be a better year but I cannot just store my grief for my son away never to be heard from again kwim? Once again can I re-iterate that this entire thing just sucks!


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Blondie, I hope your DS is feeling better soon! Food poisoning is no fun at all, and puking is so hard on little guys.

Yay for going back to work, Nicole!

I'm feeling better after the ceremony we did on New Year's Eve. It was very cathartic for my DH and I.

I'm reading a good book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," dealing with miscarriages and stillbirths, more so with stillbirths but still very valuable for miscarriages. It's been really helpful and I definitely recommend it. Helps me know that whatever I'm feeling is normal and to not put a time limit on my grief.

The other book I started reading on my Kindle app, but returned it because the text quality was so bad, was "Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart." Then I ended up ordering a physical copy that should arrive on Wednesday, I loved the first few chapters that I did read on my Kindle app and I'm excited to get to read the rest. I also just bought "I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery." Books really affect me and most of the time they can be the best resource for me.

I also bought a beautiful journal. It took me a good 45 minutes to pick it out. I almost bought a boring, plain black one that was depressing; but then as I was getting in line to buy it I saw this beautiful one with a stylized painting of a peacock taking up the whole front cover. I love birds and I think of Llewella as little bird right now, so this journal is perfect. And it was on sale for $6!

I used to journal a lot and I think journaling again will be helpful. Finding the perfect journal is a silly thing I do whenever I need a new one, but I swear it makes a difference in how often I use it. 

Well Happy New Year everyone! And goodnight.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

I'm still here too but also taking some space from my computer. It's been taking over my life again and like Paeta I felt I needed a little space from thinking constantly about my losses and the whole mess of my health this past year. I'd been obsessing last week. DH's back to work today and DD and I are trying to get back into a groove. I really feel that I need to concentrate more on her and on enjoying being her mother - something sadly I haven't been doing much the past few months. So I'm really working to get more balance going. Unfortunately that also means cutting down my computer time a lot, but I promise I'll keep checking in. I'm so very thankful for you all.

Good luck back at work Nicole and Milk8shake!

Kaydove I'm the same way with books, am down to just a couple from my huge stack from the library. "Coming To Term" is also a great one. Yay for a perfect new journal! I too used to journal a lot but just haven't found it in me since DD came along....You're making me want to try to get back into it.

Hope all the sickies feel better soon....And everyone's hearts continue to heal.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

i am in the middle of empty cradle broken heart and am finding it very helpful. I would highly recommend it. I understand needing a break as I reached that point with my first two losses at one point. With Emeric and now pepper I am just not there, this is all I have so glad that you guys are here.

Well Af just started I think (finally) but my temps are still high so that seems really weird to me. I guess it is just a wonky ppaf? who knows.

well, off to work. I am glad my situation is just temporary as well although we can really use the money I miss my kids terribly when gone this much and find that my absence is really taxing on my family.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Mhmmm... I'm back to work tomorrow too! Argh. It's only temp work, a 4 week contract - full time though, which will probably kill me.
> 
> ...


Sorry you have to go back to work  yay for your tattoo! I'm kinda artistic.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> Hi Everyone. I've been decidely absent from here for about a month. I needed some healing space and felt I was focusing too much on my loss and not on life. We had a busy two weeks of holidays and I am getting back to routine tomorrow (DD is back at preschool and DH is back to work). I am hoping for a MUCH better 2011...I honestly don't think I can handle anything worse! That being said, I still miss my baby like crazy and I randomly cry over him. Two nights this week I have started bawling as I lay in bed trying to sleep. Tonight my DH said to me "let's put 2010 behind us." While that sounds perfectly fine and all, how the heck am I supposed to just put my son's entire existence behind me? I want this to be a better year but I cannot just store my grief for my son away never to be heard from again kwim? Once again can I re-iterate that this entire thing just sucks!


I know what you mean. I was just saying yesterday that it can only get better from here. 2011 has to be better than 2010. 2010 will always be "the year I buried my baby". But I guess realistically I could lose another. I don't want to think that way though.

I know your DH was meaning well but yeah. It kind of implied taht you could just kinda... forget it happened. There's no way I could do that. But I DO want to move on.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kaydove*
> 
> Blondie, I hope your DS is feeling better soon! Food poisoning is no fun at all, and puking is so hard on little guys.
> 
> ...


Thanks. DS is doing better. I probably had food poisoning but I dont think that's what ds had. He's been puking for a week. Oh well. We got some advice from health links and he's doing a bit better now.

I want to read that book. Empty cradle broken heart.

Glad you found the perfect journal

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> I'm still here too but also taking some space from my computer. It's been taking over my life again and like Paeta I felt I needed a little space from thinking constantly about my losses and the whole mess of my health this past year. I'd been obsessing last week. DH's back to work today and DD and I are trying to get back into a groove. I really feel that I need to concentrate more on her and on enjoying being her mother - something sadly I haven't been doing much the past few months. So I'm really working to get more balance going. Unfortunately that also means cutting down my computer time a lot, but I promise I'll keep checking in. I'm so very thankful for you all.
> 
> Hope all the sickies feel better soon....And everyone's hearts continue to heal.


We understand. I should probably cut down my computer time too.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> i am in the middle of empty cradle broken heart and am finding it very helpful. I would highly recommend it. I understand needing a break as I reached that point with my first two losses at one point. With Emeric and now pepper I am just not there, this is all I have so glad that you guys are here.
> 
> ...


Sometimes temps take a day or 2 to drop even after af comes.


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

Hello. I'm still feeling very raw but at least sort of functioning. Is it normal to question everything after a loss? I keep wondering if I did something wrong.I want to remember every detail of my life after my first ultrasound because I was told the baby died shortly after that. It was 8 weeks one day and had a good heartbeat of 157 bpm. So now I think, did I do something wrong? I know the answer is probably not, but I wish there was a reason so I could try to make sense of this.

I'm trying to love my children all the more, but find it so hard when I grieve for the one I couldn't have.

Two of my friends have texted to ask me out to lunch and morning tea this week. They know what's happened, how could they think I would want to go out? I'm supposed to have acupuncture today, but it was for controlling my morning sickness, and I just worry that if I go out I'll lose it and start sobbing. I just can't mention it without crying!

I'm keeping a journal which is really helping. I also wrote this poem for my baby: http://www.angieathome.blogspot.com/ which helped. It also helped my DH to understand what I'm feeling. He wrote me a long email explaining how he feels too. However there's been no mention of ttc again, and I'm not ready to discuss it with him, I think he feels we are done and it's too painful to think of.

Sorry to hear about illness and sick kids.That can't be easy.

I really hope everyone here has a much, much better 2011.


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

I am questioning everything too gumblossom. I don't even know when mine was lost. There are so many things that I am questioning. Was it the hard fall I took right after finding out I was pregnant? Was it the dude who bashed into me at the metal show I went to? Was it the dog who kicked my in the stomach at work? Was it the depression and stress I was dealing with? Who knows. There will never be a definate answer.

I started to m/c on Christmas and I am still bleeding. I thought it had stopped yesterday but it started back up last night. I am not going through more than 2 regular pads a day so I know it's nothing to be too concerned about but I want my body back dammit! I keep feeling like I wasted time being pregnant without the outcome of a baby. I know this is normal. I told myself that I wanted to have a baby before I was 30. I was suprised that it actually had the possibility of happening, now it is impossible. My new years resolution last year was to get pregnant. Well, I guess I did... This whole Christmas season I told my partner that it was our last Christmas where we didn't HAVE to do anything special and we didn't because we thought it would be our last christmas without a child, now who knows.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

I'm here, also have been taking a break. Dealing with a lot with work changes, sick family (colds and coughs and pink eye!). Also feeling a little down about my approaching due date. sigh.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I hate to sound like a downer, but 2010 was supposed to be my year. After 2 losses and my Mum's brain tumour in 09, I swore black and blue that 2010 had to be a better year. I honestly thought that. Turns out it was way worse. Then, yesterday Mum said to me that "2011 will be better", and I was like "seriously, if it isn't, I think I will jump off a cliff".


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Same here. 09 brought my husband losing his job, a dear friend losing her baby in labor, my marriage nearly ending and my first miscarriage to end off the year. I could not wait to usher in the new year and now I'm more than happy it's over as it was far worse than the last. I still have hope for this year though.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Yeah. I know it could be worse. But I'm gonna "expect the worst and hope for the best"

A lot of my friends miscarried in 2010 as well. So I'm over it. New year, please! kthxbai.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I got my new mother's ring in the mail yesterday. I think it's beautiful, it turned out just how I wanted it, and it makes me happy that Nicholas' stone has a tangible permanence. Plus it will give me an opportunity to talk about him sometimes when people ask why I have three stones. I hope that doesn't just turn out to be awkward. I have a green agate for May, moonstone for June, and a tiny little turquoise for Nicholas in December. They are handmade from an etsy seller which makes them kind of special, too.



I'm do a little bit of pattern design while I stay home with my girls. When I got sick from the pregnancy a few months ago, I stopped sewing (along with everything else :\ ). After we lost Nicholas, it was nice that we had a big break for Christmas and lots of downtime. Now I need to get back to work, but its been so long since I was really productive - I just don't know how to start. It's hard to figure out how to work at home with kids anytime, but now especially, I just feel like indulging myself and being quiet and lazy. Wondering how I'm going to break out of this.


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

Your ring is beautiful. I have been wanting to get as ring made with my children's birthstones, but thought I would wait until after this baby was born. Sigh...Now I don't want to do it because it feels kind of final and I'm not really to stop yet. But that's a whole other issue!

On New Year's morning, my DH said"Happy New Year" and I said, "Not so happy for me".His reply:"well it can only get better then, can't it?" I'm sure he was just trying to be up and positive but I wanted to hit him!My normally sensitive,caring husband hasn't been much support, but I know it may just be his way of coping. I do hope it is better for all of us.

I read a book about miscarriage yesterday and although it was supportive and explained my grieving was normal, one thing it did was upset me and made me feel guilty as it said being overweight can cause miscarriage. I started this pregnancy about the same weight as three years ago when I got pregnant with my son, but I'm also 3 years older, so feel I am responsible. I'm sure people think I am crazy to want a baby at my age, but I did get pregnant and had high hopes.It isn't impossible, many older women have healthy babies.Now I really want to lose weight, but feel so lethargic I don't quite know how to go about it.

Baby steps, right?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Wilson your ring is beautiful!

I don't think it will be awkward at all, as long as you are willing to talk about nicholaus the it shouldn't be a problem.

I got a ring for christmas from dh (just came in the mail today) and i absolutely love it! It has a dragonfly on it and it is a locket so I put a pic of Emeric's hand in there (for now at least, I will find a better pic later). I think it looks great. I had a bracelet done after Emeric died that is georgous. I has a charm with his name on it and birth date, blue crystals and his birh month and due month crystals. After pepper died I added a sweet pea charm and birth stones for the 3 babies I have lost in the first tri. Having trouble getting decent pics  and there is no longer a link to the ring and the bracelet was custom made so can't get a link for that either. Maybe I can get a few pics in the day light?

here is an idea on the bracelet:

This is the original bracelet except I DO NOT have the angel wing charm and the crystals are blue not pink.

Then I added this charm with Emeric's name and his birthdate with the birthstone august for his birth month and jan for his edd dangling off of it.

Then I added this with 3 birthstones for the months of sept, nov, and feb.

That will get you an idea until I can get pics up.

gumblossom- remember unfortunately miscarriage is very common. This is NOT your fault. Things happen, it sucks, but blaming ourselves gets us nowhere! There is a great chapter about that in "Empty cradle broken heart".

I know that things can always be worse. I am hoping 2011 is better than 2010 as dh calls 2010 "The year of the dead baby". BUT I have 4 living children and there are no guarantees that they will be here forever or that I will die before them and I have a husband with terrible health so I am just hoping it is better but I just can't be positive right now.

I thought I was starting my full time hours this wk but it changed again, looks like it will happen soon but for now I got off of work early the last two days. I was able to get the new years letter written up, spent time with my kiddos, etc. AF SUCKS!!!!!!! She is here and it sucks. I don't feel good, I am hormonol, and this is a constant reminder that I am NOT pg. My SHARE meeting is on thurs and I am really looking forward to it. I wish it was more than once a month. Emeric's edd is in 2 wks, I can't believe it. I think I have set it up well but know that it is still going to be hard.

Krista- when did you send that pic? It hasn't gotten here yet.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

The pic went out thursday. Grrr... something is going on with our mail or something; I took a netflix movie to the post office that day too and it hasn't been received either. Netflix usually gets the movies by 7am the day after we send them and they haven't gotten the movies that we sent out monday either. I was hoping it was just a netflix issue but if you didn't get the pic there is definitely something else going on here. Looks like I'll be calling the post office tomorrow :-(

Tip on the pictures: try taking them near a window with the camera on MACRO; the normal setting looks like mountains, macro looks like a flower.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

It's no problem. Just wanted u to know I didn't hav it yet. I was hoping to hav it by thurs so I could show it off at my meeting (that's if u don't mind).
Thanks for the picture tip.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

The etsy seller who made my ring is Lauren Meredith, and the rings are stacking, so you can add more later if you want. She was really great to work with and she put it together really quickly.

Nicole - I love those pea pod charms, too.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm hoping this delay in the mail is just from all the days off for new years. I really hate to think that picture was lost :-( If you do get it I absolutely don't mind you sharing it with anyone, it's yours mama <3


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> I got my new mother's ring in the mail yesterday. I think it's beautiful, it turned out just how I wanted it, and it makes me happy that Nicholas' stone has a tangible permanence. Plus it will give me an opportunity to talk about him sometimes when people ask why I have three stones. I hope that doesn't just turn out to be awkward. I have a green agate for May, moonstone for June, and a tiny little turquoise for Nicholas in December. They are handmade from an etsy seller which makes them kind of special, too.
> 
> ...


That's a beautiful ring.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *gumblossom*
> 
> On New Year's morning, my DH said"Happy New Year" and I said, "Not so happy for me".His reply:"well it can only get better then, can't it?" I'm sure he was just trying to be up and positive but I wanted to hit him!My normally sensitive,caring husband hasn't been much support, but I know it may just be his way of coping. I do hope it is better for all of us.
> 
> ...


To me I would have taken that in a positive way, yes. He's keeping hope for the future. Not trying to downplay the past.

I really highly doubt you miscarried due to weight. I personally don't even consider that a factor. Dont let it make you feel guilty at all.

But if you want to start eating healthier and feeling good, I found this blog that really helped me. She lost over 100 lbs by making healthy lifestyle cahnges. Changing how she thought about food.

http://notsobigk.wordpress.com/

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> This is the original bracelet except I DO NOT have the angel wing charm and the crystals are blue not pink.
> 
> ...


Sorry you have crappy AF. Thinking of you as your edd approaches.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> The pic went out thursday. Grrr... something is going on with our mail or something; I took a netflix movie to the post office that day too and it hasn't been received either. Netflix usually gets the movies by 7am the day after we send them and they haven't gotten the movies that we sent out monday either. I was hoping it was just a netflix issue but if you didn't get the pic there is definitely something else going on here. Looks like I'll be calling the post office tomorrow :-(
> 
> Tip on the pictures: try taking them near a window with the camera on MACRO; the normal setting looks like mountains, macro looks like a flower.


The mail is really backlogged.

AFM. Not much going on. DH is back to work. Just trying to survive.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Gumblossom, yes it is normal to question absolutely everything after a loss. I am still dealing with this problem six months later!

Wilson, your ring is gorgeous! Truly. I love that idea.

TBM - I just got AF too and I am so sick of (A) not being pregnant every month, and (B) how crazy heavy my period has been since I lost Brendan. I am in a lot of pain and it sucks.

Also, I just found out my cousin is pregnant with her second and due in July and another friend is pregnant with her third and due in June. I find it so hard to deal with pregnancy announcements right now. Over the holidays my SIL asked me to look at her scrapbook and I didn't want to and finally gave in and looked. On the first page was a bunch of u/s pics from her pregnancy and on the second page was me holding her DD on the day she was born - that day I was pregnant. That day was the last day I heard my son's heartbeat. Why on earth would she WANT me to look at all of that?!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole, the netflix movie I sent at the same time as the pic is still missing but the other thing I sent with them arrived today. It SHOULD have only taken one business day and it took three so hopefully your pic will come tomorrow or friday. I didn't get a hold of anyone at the PO because apparently they close at 4:15; who does that??


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> Also, I just found out my cousin is pregnant with her second and due in July and another friend is pregnant with her third and due in June. I find it so hard to deal with pregnancy announcements right now. Over the holidays my SIL asked me to look at her scrapbook and I didn't want to and finally gave in and looked. On the first page was a bunch of u/s pics from her pregnancy and on the second page was me holding her DD on the day she was born - that day I was pregnant. That day was the last day I heard my son's heartbeat. Why on earth would she WANT me to look at all of that?!


:-( Oh mama I am so sorry for all of that. That's just so awful about your SIL. Why don't people think about this stuff?









Eilson I love the ring. <3

Gumblossom, the way you are feeling is normal. Still dealing with all that here too. I gotta say though that weight is highly unlikely to be the cause. Most miscarriages are just caused by chromosomes not coming together right, absolutely nothing we can do about that. :-(

(((((((hugs)))))))) blondie


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

paeta- that sucks. I am so sorry that happened. Not that you did anything wrong but I think that in order for people to get it we need to inform them. It is hard to do but if you were to say,"that is the last time I heard my sons hb, I really can't stand to look at your book right now" she might not get it but at least would know how crappy it made you feel. It is hard to do but people are just clueless and we need to enlighten them.

and yeah, pg announcements suck right now!

I know you just made it through Brendan's edd, please tell me i will survive this. It just doesn't seem possible. I don't have any local irl friends right now and I just can't imagine going through this alone.... please tell me it is possible, I know you made it.

krista- I will let you know as soon as it gets here, I sure hope it isn't lost , it is so beautiful and can't wait to see it in person!


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I know you just made it through Brendan's edd, please tell me i will survive this. It just doesn't seem possible. I don't have any local irl friends right now and I just can't imagine going through this alone.... please tell me it is possible, I know you made it.


 Yes, you will make it through! In fact, I felt a big weight off of my shoulders once his due date passed. That being said it didn't change things a whole lot b/c now instead of thinking "I should have been 9 months pregnant," I just think "I should have had a 2 month old baby!" It has been 6 months since I lost him and I have passed the point where I have not been PG as long as I was PG (5.5 months). There always seems to be some big milestone and they are all horribly hard to deal with right now, but I am struggling through. I am still not meeting family member's babies and I know they are all perturbed by that, but I am muddling through somehow. (((HUGS))) Mama!!


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Paeta- Thanks.

Krista- I GOT IT!!!!! Just in time for my meeting tonight!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

YES!!!!! :-D I called the PO today but they couldn't really tell me anything, I am SO glad to hear this.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Yay about the photo, I have been hoping it would show! lol I kept checking the thread...


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

The stacking rings are so beautiful! I have a Mother's ring but it seems odd to wear it now with nothing on it for Emmanuel. I did find a silver charm to put on my silver chain bracelet, it's a 3-d heart about the size that our baby was. I touch it often. 

I was talking to someone I don't know very well at church the other night, and he mentioned that his wife is pregnant. I didn't feel all stabby and violently ill, so that's a step forward! I asked when she is due and it's a month after I was and I still didn't (really) want to kick him in the shins or anything. I wanted to tell him that our baby was due in June, but I wasn't sure if that would be weird, especially if it made him worry or whatever.

I think I am getting ready to start my 2nd post loss AF. I had a dream last night about taking pregnancy tests like crazy and they were all positive, and they all had an extra line that said that I was 5 1/2 weeks, which is when I found out I was expecting Emmanuel. Dreams are so strange.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

my SHARE meeting last night was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was just a good meeting.

Showed up for counciling today and she had mischeduled and wasn't in the office. grrrrrrr She is fitting me in tonight at 6 (not very convenient but glad I can get fit in).

Tomorrow we are going skiing again. We go all winter. I just shouldn't be skiing right now so it is bugging me, although I really look forward to it and it is a stress release for me.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## fierrbugg (Jul 24, 2006)

Hi, Ladies. Wow what an eventful new year everyone has had so far. Lots of sickies running around - illness added to depression and grieving is sometimes just unbearable. Sending you all









*gumblossom*: I do not at all agree w/ the overweight=miscarriage drivel from the book you are reading. Women of all shapes and sizes have had losses just as they have had uneventful pregnancies resulting in living kiddos. We second guess and blame ourselves enough as it is - we don't need help blaming ourselves for being "overweight." Any plans to burn that book as a catharsis?









*Wilson*: What a beautiful way to celebrate your baby's life.









Count me in as one of those who is hoping 2011 is way better than the last few years. Dh and I are trying to decide if we want to visit mil tomorrow. His cousin and new wife/baby will be there - and mil ALWAYS finds a way to get in a dig that we don't have living kiddos. I think she does it out of ignorance or meaness towards me, but neglects to realize how much it hurts her only child too. Around the 1 year anniversary of mc #1, she started buying baby toys like there was no tomorrow - because dh had hit that magical age when she had given him permission to have kids - because she was then old enough to be a grandmother. So, I got to hear how she purchased xyz for "my grandbabies." It was very difficult to deal with at the time - still is. But nowadays I just walk away from her when she goes on one of her sharing tirades (about how she's spending just so much time w/ the toddlers in her apartment compex). She's peachie.







We aren't sure if we even want to bother showing up just for the emotional abuse alone - let alone that I tend to get staph infections whenever I go over to mil's house (she's colonized with MRSA). Anyway, dh has been sick since Christmas, so I'm hoping we can use that as an excuse.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

your mil sounds like a real charmer







. How about getting her a grandmothers bracelet or something with her grandchildren on it?!? Reminding her she IS a grandmother and to shut her pie hol.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

WTH is wrong with my IL's? I got MIL's Christmas letter today and in it she included a sentence about Brendan...at the end of all of the birth announcements. To make matters worse, the picture she put in the letter of me was when I was 5 months pregnant! It has really disturbed me to see any and all pregnant pictures of myself. I just cannot deal with that kwim?

fierrbug, that is just awful! I would distance myself from her as much as possible!!

Sounds like all of us are ready for a good 2011 and much deserving if I do say so myself! Good luck to all of you in your healing.

We are going to the movies this afternoon and snowshoeing tomorrow. Shaping up to be a good weekend.

I know how you feel TBM, I had this idea when I got DD snowshoes for Christmas (last spring, on sale) that I wouldn't be able to go with her this year b/c I would have a tiny newborn. Well, at least I get to experience another first with DD so that's a positive right?!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Thanks everyone for the sweet comments about my ring. It's been a nice little happy spot.

Sorry Paeta and Fierrbug about your in laws. I've had lots of awkward moments, but I'm grateful our family has been sympathetic - even if they are afraid to mention our loss. Paeta, maybe your MIL was trying to be sympathetic and just didn't realize it was hurtful?

AFM, we've had a bunch of crazy life stuff happening lately, but most of it is good. Construction on our house, possible job changes, and other opportunities. It's been a little distracting, which is nice in some ways because I don't feel sad all the time. But then, I feel guilty when I remember because I don't want to just move on and forget. I don't want to be sad forever either though. I think what I really want is to integrate Nicholas into my life, so he's remembered happily every day. I don't know exactly how to do that, but I think that's what I want.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm trying to right an email to a friend, and I'm stuck. She's a good friend who found out she was pregnant just after I did. She's been very kind since our loss. In her email, she mentioned that she was thinking of us, and that it makes her worry more about her pregnancy and realize how little we control anything.

It's a very simple thing to say, and i appreciate how kind she's been. I want to reply and say something, but everything I start to write sounds wrong. I don't want to make her worry more about her pregnancy, and I don't want to say too much about how I feel, or how much I look forward to seeing her baby because I know it will remind me of mine because I know that will make her feel weird. I feel so stupid for not being able to write a couple of simple lines.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Laura I know how weird and frustrating that can be. There's just not a whole lot to say in situations like this. I found keeping it short and honest worked best for me. It's not our place to reassure other women that they won't end up like us; we can only really acknowledge their fears and wish them the best while thanking them for their acknowledgment of our loss.


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## fierrbugg (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> WTH is wrong with my IL's? I got MIL's Christmas letter today and in it she included a sentence about Brendan...at the end of all of the birth announcements. To make matters worse, the picture she put in the letter of me was when I was 5 months pregnant! It has really disturbed me to see any and all pregnant pictures of myself. I just cannot deal with that kwim?


 Just Wow. No good words - mostly







. On the one hand, you want acknowledgement of Brendan's life - but on the other hand, it's just so painful when they choose to do it THAT way.

Laura: What Krista said. I have found over the years, there are those friends who I'm just so extatic for when they get pg - and there are others who it just hits me hard. In general it seems my reaction has been directly related to how receptive/comforting they have been to me through my struggles. A dear friend of mine just had a beautiful son recently, but she also had 2 losses last year - and she understood my grief very well obviously - so she was so kind to me during her very difficult pregnancy. Another friend is pg right now and she's just been a jerk. Taking the opportunity during bible study to go into 20 minute tirades about just how annoying ivf is, her husband's sperm and how they only want one baby . . . . . even though they did ivf.







So, like I said it depends on the person for me - but do be honest about your feelings. And if someone has a problem with them - well that sadly answers that question, then doesn't it?

So, dh and I decided today that we did NOT want to deal with mil, so we opted to stay home for some couple time. It was awesome.


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

I am having a real hard time dealing with other people complaining. in general I have felt much happier lately. I think my hormonal phase is over. A coworker of mine is one of those people who always has to top everything as far as who has it worse. The other day she was complaining that she hadn't gotten her period and it was late and that's all she wanted blah blah blah. Then when she got it all she complained about was how bad her cramps were. Now normally I would just not respond and just let her complain but it so hard to take when I am still passing clots and I get cramps when one is coming, nevermind the 3 days of contractions I had during my m/c. And I am still bleeding. It's been since Christmas. It is just spotting now and I am so happy about that but it is still hard for me to listen to someone complain about such mundane things when I have had such a hard time physically nevermind emotionally with this miscarraige. I know it is all me but I just don't know how to deal with it without snapping.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

tank- I so get it. I just don't have time for other peoples crap right now. They complain about whatever and all I can think of is well you could have a dead baby or 2......

I had an awesome SHARE meeting on thurs then as usual just crashed friday. Could not get out of bed. It just wipes me out sooooo much. Sat. was fun skiing and spending time with the family but I was missing my babies soooooo bad. Then today we didn't go to church bcs I just couldn't get out of bed. We had so much to do and I am struggling getting the kids to complete there homework, doing laundry, etc. Today I want a baby sooooo bad. I have been ok knowing that we would have to wait a while or most likely not at all BUT today I WANT A BABY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Emeric should be here soon but instead I go to his grave to visit him. This all just sucks so bad.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> tank- I so get it. I just don't have time for other peoples crap right now. They complain about whatever and all I can think of is well you could have a dead baby or 2......


Totally. I got to where I just sat there and didn't respond, people seemed to realize on their own that they were being insensitive.

Nicole,









AFM: I am doing a TON better! My anxiety had gotten so bad that I could barely go to the grocery store and my depression was really ruining our everyday lives. I'd been struggling with depression since my last baby in Sept 08 and the m/c's just totally compounded it. Now, after a few weeks of counseling (with EFT and matrix re-imprinting) I'm feeling better than I did before I had my last baby. I still get sad and cry for my babies but it's not consuming me anymore and I can actually go places without breaking down. The EFT has helped me learn to deal with anxiety when it starts and the matrix has helped me to heal traumas from way back in my childhood. It's still a daily thing to deal with but I'm getting better at it and I'm starting to get really excited about life again.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Hey girls. I'm pretty bummed. Probably facing my second af since the miscarriage in just a couple days.  I'm so mad that I'm even ttc and now Im gonna have AF again.  I should be like 20 weeks pg or something.... 

I totally agree about other peoples complaining. I seem to be crossing SO many people lately that are unexpectedly pregnant and mad about it. So not fair. And of course the one or 2 complaining about being overdue. Suck it up. I'd rather be overdue than with an empty womb.

Krista so glad you're doing so much better.

Nicole glad you had a good Share meeting, and Yay skiing! I want a baby now too.  I want a big ol baby belly.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

bc- so sorry af is about to show.  That sucks!

I am having a down day. Can't believe it has been 5 months since Emeric died. Crazy!!! My edd is next tues and I am having a lot of anxiety about it. Had the day off work today and went to the cemetary, I hadn't been in a few wks cuz I haven't been able to get my butt out of bed to go to church on sundays and it is right by our church so that is usually when we go. It was really really cold outside so I didn't stay long but it was nice. Then I went and talked with our priest for a bit and he blessed my memorial bracelet that I have. The visit made me feel better but I have just cried off and on all day. I have had a few good wks so I guess it was time for it to hit me.

Hope everyone is well, the thread has been a bit slow.


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi. I read all the new posts but find it hard to post myself. I'm so sorry things are difficult for you ladies. It really isn't fair and we should all be carry our little ones in our bellies or arms. I would have been 12 weeks this week, the so-called safe mark. But I don't know that I'll ever feel that way again, as I know many of you have had losses after the 12 week mark. I also read that once you see a healthy heart beat (which I did at 8weeks 1 day) you have a 98% chance of a positive outcome. I suppose someone has to be the 2%, and I was. It really sucks.

I also can't stand to hear people complain about irrelevant stuff. It makes my blood boil.I have not spoken to my mother for weeks and will not because she doesn't know about our baby (I've never had much support about my large family from parents) and she complains endlessly about the most trivial things.I have to protect myself from people like that.

I actually went out for dinner at a friend's place two nights ago and I'm really glad I did.It was hard to go out and carry on like nothing had happened, but our friends were so tender and sweet about it, and it was good to enjoy their company. It really helped.

I don't know what to do about my neighbour and friend who is expecting her baby in about 3 weeks. I'm polite but I just can't make contact with her, even though I know she is sympathetic and caring. It just hurts too much to see her big belly and to know she'll be holding her newborn but mine will never come. Will it get better so that I can be friends with her again? It is awful that I can't get past this, I don't really want to lose the friendship. I guess time will tell.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *gumblossom*
> 
> I don't know what to do about my neighbour and friend who is expecting her baby in about 3 weeks. I'm polite but I just can't make contact with her, even though I know she is sympathetic and caring. It just hurts too much to see her big belly and to know she'll be holding her newborn but mine will never come. Will it get better so that I can be friends with her again? It is awful that I can't get past this, I don't really want to lose the friendship. I guess time will tell.


Ugh. I know what you mean. My best friend and my sister are both due the same day in about 2 months. My edd is in 2 weeks and it's just crushing. I'm dreading my sister's shower and don't even want to see my friend. It's horrible. I can't really talk to them about my losses. The only friend I can talk to just had her baby 3 months ago and it's all just so painful. I can't imagine it getting better when my friend and sister have their babies.

AF should be arriving any day - just in time for my b-day. Perfect time for wine, yes?


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Hey everyone just checking in quick. Sorry I haven't had much time here lately - between trying to cut down computer time, getting ready for my sister's baby shower this weekend (sewing a lot!) and doctors appointments trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.....Sigh, not much time....So yesterday the hematologist told me that I'm heterozygous for MTHFR. Still reading and trying to digest if this even partially explains my losses. Seems the jury's still out on it, especially being only hetero.

My mother said something in passing today about my sister nearing my 20 weeks and my heart dropped to the floor. In general I've been feeling pretty ok about all of it, even getting kind of excited for her baby and my best friend's....But then every now and then there's something random to smack you in the face with it all. I was looking at DD last night thinking, her babyhood is totally over, she's hit a very 'big girl' stage in a lot of ways, and she may have been my only shot at motherhood....She may have been my one in a million lucky shot and her babyhood is already over....


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *gumblossom*
> 
> Hi. I read all the new posts but find it hard to post myself. I'm so sorry things are difficult for you ladies. It really isn't fair and we should all be carry our little ones in our bellies or arms. I would have been 12 weeks this week, the so-called safe mark. But I don't know that I'll ever feel that way again, as I know many of you have had losses after the 12 week mark. I also read that once you see a healthy heart beat (which I did at 8weeks 1 day) you have a 98% chance of a positive outcome. I suppose someone has to be the 2%, and I was. It really sucks.
> 
> I also can't stand to hear people complain about irrelevant stuff. It makes my blood boil.


I feel the same way. I found out at 11.5 weeks the baby passed at 10.5 weeks, and I remember thinking the day before we found out that "I'm almost at 12 weeks, the safety mark!" I don't think I'll ever enjoy pregnancy, I'll just be a complete basket case the whole time, if we get pregnant again.

I'm also feeling the 'can't stand to listen to other people's problems". So is my DH. Losing the baby is hitting him really hard now. I had started being okay and not crying all the time, so he feels since his wife is okay, he can now mourn. I glad he's letting himself mourn. I got him a book. A Guide For Fathers: When A Baby Dies. It's really helping him. He's mentor to work and a lot of people come to him with their problems and he's having a hard time not just saying to them "my baby died, so suck it up."

At my work we're in the middle of 1100+ people move and I have a new manager that's being weird, but I just don't care about all of this. Everyone's all up in arms about something or another, and I don't really care. The only emotion I can muster up at work is misdirected anger. I totally blew up at someone last week, I called his idea "f**king illogical and inefficient." Oops! I think I'm in the anger phase of grief!

I also started AF on Saturday. I cried a little bit when it first started but wasn't as upset as I thought I was. I had pretty bad cramps and its kinda mucousey. I'm trying out the Diva cup I got the cycle before I got pregnant. I thought that I would have to try to exchange it for the post-baby delivery size 2 one. I love it! Only have to change 2-3 times a day.

I was brave and went for my fasting blood test yesterday morning. I almost passed out though and had to sit in their special reclining chair. lol. I have a medical needle phobia combined with fasting and holding my breath, made me really dizzy. So proud of myself for actually going through with it and can't wait to get my results on Tuesday. I had all my CD3 hormones tested plus my thyroid.

Hugs to everyone with friends and family who are pregnant. I think almost all of us are experiencing that.  Not fun.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *gumblossom*
> 
> I don't know what to do about my neighbour and friend who is expecting her baby in about 3 weeks. I'm polite but I just can't make contact with her, even though I know she is sympathetic and caring. It just hurts too much to see her big belly and to know she'll be holding her newborn but mine will never come. Will it get better so that I can be friends with her again? It is awful that I can't get past this, I don't really want to lose the friendship. I guess time will tell.


I'm sorry. This situation is so hard. It seems like most of us who've experienced a loss have to also deal with pregnancies of close friends at the same time, and it just adds to the painful emotions. I know from experience that it does get better. Your loss is still pretty fresh. It's ok to give yourself time and space; try not to feel guilty about it. My cousin had a baby about two weeks after my loss. I didn't go visit until he was almost 8 weeks old, and by then I was ok with meeting him. Everyone's time table is different, of course, but it definitely gets easier.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am surrounded by pregnant friends, several of which are due within a month of our due date. One friend had her baby about 3 weeks after our loss. It was heartbreaking and wonderful all at once to hold her babe... DH and I left the room and cried for a while, then went back and held her some more.

Once of my friend, who announced her pregnancy to our park day group the same day I did, has a really hard time with my loss. She tears up every time she sees me and I feel really sad for her. I told her I can be happy for her and sad for me at the same time... I've grown to mean that, too. Her dd, who is 7 and good friends with my 7 year old dd, offered to share their baby with us once it was born. 

It's hard, I have feelings of jealousy and sadness, I felt a lot of anger at first too. Why them, why not me? I wanted so much to feel my baby move inside me and to have a gloriously big belly.


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Her dd, who is 7 and good friends with my 7 year old dd, offered to share their baby with us once it was born.


That is beyond adorable and touching.


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

I was supposed to have my 1st post m/c midwife appointment today but I am still snowed in at my house. This same thing happened when I was supposed to see her (the appt was made before I lost it) for my 1st normal appt. We aren't supposed to have snow like this in NC dammit! I don't really think I NEED to see a midwife since everything seemingly went well but I was looking forward to talking about it with her and planning ahead of time this time around. I am sort of worried because I don't know my blood type and don't know if I need the shot or not.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Tank- that must be dissapointing. Hopefully you can reschedule.

sagewinna- How sweet about your friends dd.

I am sorry so many of us are having friend challenges. Mine are virtually gone and I just don't know what I did. I didn't have many to begin with and seem to have lost the ones that I did have for different reasons. Just really bad timing bcs now is when I really need support . My bff lives out of town and she has been great, although she doesn't understand (she lost a baby at 19 wks 12 yrs ago and had a d&e so never got to meet the baby, was pg shortly after and just didn't grieve the same way that I have) but has been extremely supportive and lets me go on and on about it. That is it though, no one local and it is sooooo hard. I ran into an mdc mama that I don't know well and haven't seen in a while and she asked how I was doing and I completely unloaded on her. She is not a blm that I know of so feel pretty guilty. I am just desperate for someone to talk to. She will probably avoid me like the plague, oh well.

apmama- it must be hard having family reminders. It is so hard watching our little ones get bigger and need us less when we don't know if we will have a baby or not. I remember after my 2nd m/c in a row my ds2 potty learned and I was about 6 wks pg. I didn't know if I would have another chance at a healthy baby and it was so heartbreaking. Dh didn't get it but it really was hard. I know this might not be comforting but you have had 2 m/c in a row which unfortunately is very common, it certainly does not signify the end of motherhood. I am rooting for you.

AFM- Dh is sick, probably getting pnemonia. He has a dr. appt. tomorrow. I had to leave work early today to p-up my kiddos as dh just couldn't do it. I sure hope he gets better soon. He is immunocompromised so when he gets sick, I worry.

I am having a lot of anxiety about emeric's edd. It is less than 6 days away. I can't believe it is almost here and I have no chance of having a baby anytime soon 

I am looking forward to my tattoo though, am glad I made the decision to do that on Emerics special day. I have been having more hard days then I was a few weeks ago and am hoping that will get better when his edd passes.

I created an i-pod play list for Emeric and wanted to share the songs here as they have been really helpful for me.

Keep the tissue handy!!

Emerics play list in no particular order:
I can only imagine by mercyme 



i promise this is not goodbye by chris cornell (I think this one has to be purchased from his website but you can google it) (we played this at emerics burial) 



lullabye (goodnight, my angel) by billy Joel (we played this at emerics burial) 



glory baby by watermark 



gone too soon by michael jackson 



my name by george canyon (a tear jerker written about still birth from the babies perspective) 



slipped away by avril lavigne 



still by gerrit hofsink http://enough-angels.blogspot.com/2009/10/still-gerrit-hofsink.html
sweet dreams our angel by john black 



if i die young the band perry 




I am so grateful for the friendships we have on here even if it is just virtual.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole. I've noticed that friends seem to drop off the map when you lose a baby; I think they mostly just don't know how to support us without it making them too sad so they avoid it. I have no friends IRL that I see either, it is isolating but for me this time I can spend working on me is welcome right now.

For me the wait for the approaching EDD was worse than the actual day; the anticipation and fear of it was really hard but the day wasn't too bad. It was afterward that it turned into "my baby should be this old now" and started to get difficult again.

I'm so sorry to hear that hubby is sick; I hope he has a quick and easy recovery.

I'm sorry so many of you are surrounded by pregnancy right now; I know that compounds the pain so much :-(

AFM: A dear friend who lost her baby in labor 19mos ago made a video for me about my losses and sent it to me tonight. It is just so touching to see someone spend that time remembering me and my babies <3 <3 <3 Feeling good tonight.

ETA: I forgot to say that I submitted my work to stilllife365 and one of my pictures was put up tuesday. She doesn't have much work right now so she'll be using one of mine each week until she gets more stuff in. If any of you have grief art that you would be willing to share this place is incredible. It helped me so much to see other women's pain and know that I wasn't alone. It also inspired me to use art as a way to express my grief which is something I struggled with greatly.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Prayers and healing thoughts for you and your husband, Nicole. I understand how it feels to worry about a chronically ill husband. I hope he recovers quickly. I agree with Krista about the edd too. For me the anticipation and week or so leading up to it was much worse than the day itself. I hope you're able to have some peace.

Krista so wonderful about the artwork! I can't wait to go over there and check it out.

Hugs to everyone struggling with friends and preggos. I'm about to head up to my parents' for a long weekend including my baby sister's baby shower. I've been sewing baby things all week for her. Believe it or not it hasn't been too awful at all. It's been kind of fun. Don't know if I'm truly ok with it or just numb. I've had some moments of difficulty and missing my babies, but all in all I feel excited for her baby. Guess I'm out of the anger/resentment phase of grief maybe? Suppose I'll find out this weekend. It will also be the first time I'm seeing a lot of family members (including my other two sisters) since before the last loss. So I'm kind of bracing myself....

Oh and I STILL haven't had a ppaf or O!! Day 40 here....a tiny bit of spotting past few days but nothing else. At this point I'd really like an AF just to feel like I'm functioning and to start a fresh cycle. I hate still being in the cycle that started with the miscarriage. NO ONE understands this - not my friends, DH, acupuncturist.....


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Megan, I have used maca to help get my hormones right after my last two miscarriages.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm feeling really sad today. I went to the gym and when I turned a corner I saw a pregnant woman on the elliptical machine and it just hit me like a punch in the gut. I am so sad that I will not get to be pregnant again. I am so sad I WAS pregnant and the baby died. I went to the thrift store later and running into the maternity clothes hit me again. I've been pretty ok lately, too!

I should be 18 weeks.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I'm feeling really sad today. I went to the gym and when I turned a corner I saw a pregnant woman on the elliptical machine and it just hit me like a punch in the gut. I am so sad that I will not get to be pregnant again. I am so sad I WAS pregnant and the baby died. I went to the thrift store later and running into the maternity clothes hit me again. I've been pretty ok lately, too!
> 
> I should be 18 weeks.


Definitely know the feeling 

I'm super confused becuase af was suposed to come today and she didn't... I chart so I know I'm not wrong... But bfn so I'm not pg. What gives?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

bc- that happened to me this last cycle and it really sucked. af was just a few days late. Hang in there mama we are thinking about you.

I had a wic appt. this morning and it was totally overbooked. the place was packed with pg women and little babies, it sucked. I held it together on the outside but my heart is broken. I have counceling today which I am looking forward to.

I got a phone call from the nilmdts photographer and evidently her dh gave me the wrong disc (was just stuff she had started to change) and she is mailing me the finished edited disc. No wonder it looked like she didn't do anything. So now i get to wait and see how the final images look.

Only 4 more days till Emeric's edd and the day of my tattoo.

I am feeling so vulnerable right now. Uggggg.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Thanks Nicole.  Sorry the edd is coming up  And that you had to be around so many babies and stuff today.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

thanks bc. This all just sucks so bad!!!

I had therapy this afternoon and usually it really helps but it appears that i have been stuffing some stuff and today it came unstuffed. Not fun!!


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Always not fun bringing up stuff that was comfortably pushed down! That happens with me to. I always feel better later, but I'm usually thinking 'I so did not need this right now!' Hopefully you're able to process the stuff coming up, and feel better soon.
Thinking about you as Emeric's due is in a few days.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Hugs Nicole. I know what you mean about stuff coming up too....just got home from surviving my little sister's baby shower weekend extravaganza. It was loaded emotionally in so many ways because (as some of you know) I had a lot of issues with two of my sisters through the last miscarriage and how they (mis)treated me. This was the first time I was seeing two of my three sisters and several extended family members since the loss. Not to mention the whole focus on her baby all weekend and the constant talk of her baby kicking and her belly growing and all that jazz! It was rough, really really rough. And like you Nicole I totally kept it together on the outside but inside I feel utterly drained and broken now. DH wasn't there either so I didn't have anyone to commiserate with or cry too. So now I'm going to spend a couple of days crying and unloading and resting. All the baby stuff brought up a lot of stuff and reliving the loss and I just need to process for a while....


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

this thread is slower than usual. Must be the holiday weekend.

We went to comic con yesterday and had a blast. It was really crowded and I didn't have an anxiety attack, which is sooooo awesome. It was nice to get out and i really enjoyed the time with my kids. We all dressed up as spider man 

Had church today and cried off and on throughout the service. Was able to visit Emeric after church though and that was really nice.

My kids don't have school tomorrow so we are going to make cookies for Emeric (we will eat them on tues for his due date).

I can't believe his edd is in 2 days. I am really really struggling right now. I miss him so much. Also am very sad that we aren't planning on another baby (at least not for a while).

I hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry theboysmama, stay close to your beautiful children. I hope Emeric's due date isn't too hard. I'll be thinking of you.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

Nicole~ I hope Emeric's due date isn't too hard.









apmama07~







on surviving the baby shower.

I'm surviving.... The Chromosome testing done on the baby didn't work- i was told no cells grew.














. I have a infertility appointment on the Feb 1st because my obgyn commented my ovaries looked very small for my age, so i have to wait til then for more answers on what is going on. My best friend who was due near me just found out through a amino that she's having her 3rd daughter and the baby has no genetic issues, they did the amino to make sure this baby doesn't have what her 2nd daughter has which is Di George Syndrome and if the baby did they could prepare for it better. I was almost tempted to make C - relatives pregnant 17yr old daughter something gender specific but not sure if i will get up the nerve to text her mom to ask when she'll find out the gender. I'm working as fast as i can on the diagonal knit baby blanket for her as a attempt to be nice. It's so hard since i was due June 12th and she's due the 28th.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I've been feeling good lately, but small things make me sad. This week would have been my 20 week ultrasound appt. Every time I start to cry, it surprises me.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

socali- I am so sorry about the testing . I really hope you get some answers at your feb. appt. That is so strong that you are knitting a blanket for your friend, how thoughtful.

wison- Isn't it amazing how it just hits us. Sometimes I am expecting it and sometimes I just break down.

AFM- today the kids didn't have school so we stayed home and spent time together and made sugar cookies. They are shaped in the letter E and dragonfly's. We iced them and everything. They look great. We will eat them tomorrow at the cemetary (if it isn't too cold).

I can't believe tomorrow is the day . I haven't even had a chance to get anxious about my tattoo as I am so worried about what a mess I will be with the due date. I do have faith I can make it through. I am so grateful for the support from all of you ladies. I really don't know what i would do without this thread as I feel so lonely right now.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Lost my baby last week at 15 weeks. i am still reeling from the loss. Found out at a regular midwife appt that my baby's heart had stopped/died a few days before. I had a D&E a few days later. i am in so much pain- physically and emotionally. I have 3 beautiful healthy children and this is my 2nd loss although the first loss was much earlier at 8 weeks. I don't even know how to begin processing this.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Nicole, thinking of you today.







I know you'll make it through the day with grace and I hope feel some relief on the "other side" of this difficult day.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Oh alyssa I just can't believe you're joining us here! I'm so deeply sorry to see you in this other "club".







It's devastating and it will take a lot of time to process it all, but know that you will come out on the other side of it. Somehow, you'll find your way through it. This is an incredible support group here so hopefully we can give you a little help. For now just breathe and survive and be as gentle with yourself as possible. Sending you love and light.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Alyssa-so sorry for your loss. This is the place that no one wants to be but when we have to be here we are so glad we found it.

Well here I go...... Gonna try and muddle through the day. Thanks for all of your thoughts.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, Alyssa, that's not fair.  I'm so sorry your baby passed away.

Nichole, I am thinking about you and Emeric today.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Alyssa - I'm so sorry.

Nicole - thinking of you today, and looking forward to seeing your tattoo.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

thank you everyone for the thoughts. I went to hobby lobby this morning for more scapbook stuff as it is on sale. I found a dragonfly yard decoration that I got and took it over to the cemetary. It looks great on Emeric's grave.

My tatoo looks great! It only took about 40 min. The guy has been doing tats for about 17 yrs so he was really quick and really good. It didn't hurt near as bad as I thought. Just plugged in my ear phones, turned on my dead baby music (as dh calls it) and before I finished the play list he was done.

Then I went to birthrite and donated a full boys layette to them (they are a great non profit organization). I had fun picking out the outfits, blankets, etc. yesterday.

Then headed home and took a nap. After I got up I worked on Emeric's scrapbook for a while (until my little ones woke up). It was very healing.

When the kids get home from school we are going to head to the cemetary, visit Emeric, and eat cookies that we made yesterday. (they are in E and Dragonfly shapes). Then I think we will head out to dinner as I am NOT cooking. I made it, I can't believe I made it through this day. It has been pretty healing so far.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Alyssa* ~ I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Alyssa, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know words can't really describe the pain and shock.









Nicole -







Thinking of you today. How are you holding up? Mine is a week from today...ugh.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Thank you all for your kind words. It has been a pretty shitty week. Nice to have somewhere to talk. Thank you all for being here although I wish none of us had to be here. Tomorrow I go to the funeral home to sign the paperwork for my baby to be cremated. Ugh...

Nicole- So sorry for your tough day. Love and (((((hugs)))))) to you...


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

well I made it through the day. It was actually pretty healing. I will post pics when I can (My kids broke my camera so had to borrow my brothers and he needs to upload the pics). I feel at peace (at least for now). I wish my son was here but glad that I got to know him even though it was only for a little while.

Alyssa- Sorry your weak has been so hard. Can you send someone else to sign the paperwork? My dh did all of that at it was really really helpful. i just couldn't of dealt with all of the burial arrangements. Do you have a name for your baby? I am thinking of you and your little one today.

Wyndlynn- the day isn't as bad as the week leading up to it. So this week will probably be really hard but the actual day isn't as bad as you would think.


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Nicole - thought about you today. I lighted Llewella's candle for Emeric and said a few words for you. I'm so glad that it was healing. I love the idea to make cookies and involving all your children.

Alyssa, I'm so sorry for your loss, i hope you find a welcoming and comforting place here, as i know that i have. I agree with Nicole, it might be best to send someone else to sign the paperwork. I also want to know if you have a name for your baby. My DH and I almost always call the baby we lost at 11 weeks by her name. It's been helpful for us, but I definitely understand that it's not helpful for everyone.

I meet with my OB today to go over my labs. Hormone levels look great, my ovaries from the ultrasounds I had when I was pregnant and then in the ER during the miscarriage showed a slight polycystic ovaries. I ovulated on cd 27 the cycle we got pregnant so that makes sense. She doesn't think it's pcos because my hormone levels are right on target and I don't have any other symptoms. I'll work with my Naturalpath on my diet and supplements to prevent developing pcos. We did talk about having a HSG done and using Clomid, which I'm all for - I'm not comfortable with how late I ovulate.

I ended up having a in depth discussion with my DH about how horrible I'm feeling last night. I think I scared him when I told him about me wanting to go be with the baby and other fleeting 'I just want to die' thoughts. He said he's been there (he lost his mom at 19) and understood. We de decided it's time to see a psychiatrist. He helped me bring this up to my OB and she gave a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in pregnancy loss grief. The psychiatrist and I are now playing phone tag, but she's suppose to be good about getting people in right away. So thankful I have great insurance that covers this, trying to think on the positive side. We're putting off TTC for an undefined amount of time, which is good. My OB is really making me trust doctors again (a whole separate issue) and she's great. So refreshing!

Sorry for such a long post, lots to process today. My DH really is being amazing throughout all this.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

thanks kaydove.

I am so glad your dh is being supportive, that is a really important piece of all of this. I am seeing a councilor and find it extremely helpful. I also have had those fleeting thoughts of going to be with my little ones. I think that is a normal part of the process. Glad your test results aren't too off and that you have a great ob!

I have my recurrent loss testing this morning. I really don't think it will come up with anything but better to know for sure, right. I am having some anxiety as the last time I went in I was bleeding and we saw peppers hb on the screen and now he/she is gone. My dr is great and I know he will be compassionate and supportive. I will let you guys know if we come up with anything.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm glad you ladies have supportive doctors. Kay, I am glad you reached out to your dh and are going to get help. *hug*

The lady at my church who is a few weeks ahead of where I should be posted her ultrasound pic on Facebook and the gender of their babe. She is an older mom, surprise pregnancy too, has older kids. I am so happy for her. I am so sad for me, though.

I am worried I won't remember enough about the pregnancy and loss. I try to go over different parts of it when I think of it, I've written some of it down. I mostly think I'm doing all right, but when I'm having a hard time I start to have weird panic attacks about my other kids... Suddenly needing to check youngest dd when she is asleep in case she isn't breathing, if the phone rings I automatically think it's bad news about a child that isn't home. Have any of you had that experience?


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Thank you all again. My day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My wonderful best friend had called and made all the arrangements for me and literally all I had to do was walk in, sign a form and leave. The people at the funeral home were very kind. Picking up next week will be tougher. Thank you everyone for asking about our baby's name. We are not sure about gender yet. The OB thinks that the baby was a boy but we won't know for sure until we get the pathology report on Thursday next week.  Then we do plan on naming him. My husband hasn't decided if he wants to be involved in the decision but I want to name him.

Nicole- I am glad that the day was better thank you thought it would be. Hope that your testing went well.

KayDove- glad you could share all that with your dh and I am really glad that he was supportive.

Sagewinna- i am in a similar place. I have 3 pregnant friends and everyone is now posting gender and us pics. Makes me so sad. I should be doing that right now. I am sad for you too! I too have those panic moments. Woke my poor sweet toddler out a sound sleep yesterday because I couldn't see him breathing and when we were having snow the other day the phone rang early and I panicked because I thought my dh was in an accident. It was a telemarketer. I remember having these feelings after my last loss too. (((hugs)))


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Kaydove* 
He helped me bring this up to my OB and she gave a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in pregnancy loss grief. The psychiatrist and I are now playing phone tag, but she's suppose to be good about getting people in right away. So thankful I have great insurance that covers this, trying to think on the positive side. We're putting off TTC for an undefined amount of time, which is good. My OB is really making me trust doctors again (a whole separate issue) and she's great. So refreshing!

I stumbled onto a really great doctor too, who even promotes NFP. I felt really lucky to find him and it really does make a difference.

We weren't TTC when I got pregnant anyway, but now I feel more strongly about putting off getting pregnant again. It feels like if I get pregnant again, then my time with Nicholas is really over. Does that make sense? I think I would feel like I was losing him again. I don't know, does anyone else feel that way?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 


> I am having some anxiety as the last time I went in I was bleeding and we saw peppers hb on the screen and now he/she is gone. My dr is great and I know he will be compassionate and supportive. I will let you guys know if we come up with anything.


Hope your testing went okay. When I went back to the doctor for my follow up, I thought I was feeling okay that day, but when I got there and I kept seeing all the nurses and doctors I had talked to the day Nicholas died I just couldn't stop crying. Not like loud crying, but I was all puffy faced, which made everyone look at me more. I was so embarrassed and just wanted to leave. But my doctor was really kind.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I am worried I won't remember enough about the pregnancy and loss. I try to go over different parts of it when I think of it, I've written some of it down. I mostly think I'm doing all right, but when I'm having a hard time I start to have weird panic attacks about my other kids... Suddenly needing to check youngest dd when she is asleep in case she isn't breathing, if the phone rings I automatically think it's bad news about a child that isn't home. Have any of you had that experience?


I am also afraid of forgetting. I think that's another reason I keep coming here - because I don't want to forget. And everytime one of my girls sleeps a little long I think, she must be dead. I was that way a lot after my first was born, but I haven't worried like that for a long time. And now my kids are bigger, past the SIDS age, and I still keep thinking they're going to die in their sleep. A little ridiculous.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

yeah the panic and awful thoughts are completely normal. Sucks, but to be expected, I guess.

alyssa- your friend sounds amazing. How thoughtful of her. I hope that you do find out the gender. Are you going to do some type of memorial? I found it to be very helpful. My 3 first tri losses were just a small burial (the first 2 in our backyard and the 3rd in the cemetary on top of his brother) and Emeric had an official burial at the cemetary but only our family was there. It was very healing though.

AFM- had my recurrent loss testing done. Asked my dr to send me a list of the test that were done (there were like 6 viles of blood). Basically he tested for things that there is a solution for (like thiroid, etc.) and didn't test for things that we can't do anything about (gentics, chromosomal issues, etc). He was amazing. After we did the medical stuff he asked how I was doing emotionally. I told him I was in counciling and it was helping. He said I am glad it helps but know that nothing can fix how you feel only time can make it feel a little better. He is soooo awesome! He even did a pap (although he didn't really have time) as I was due for one and did determine that my bladder was partially prolapsed (I thought so but nice to know that is what it was). He said it is not something to be too concerned about. I asked what happens if it falls all the way out..... he said just pop it back in and give me a call so we can make sure it is back correctly. Did I tell you I just love that guy.

I really don't think anything will come back with the tests but I will let you guys know as soon as I get teh results.

On another note..... I have a friend (I believe I have discussed it here at some point) who is pg. She found out she was 8 wks pg when Emeric had been gone 8 wks (not good timing). This is her 3rd pg. She has never had a loss and she just doesn't get it. She told me she was pg in the middle of hte children's museum and not in a very compassionate way. It was really awful. A few days later I let her know how hard that was for me and that it was going to be challenging with her being pg but that I was happy for her. Her response was "it is hard to hear all of these sad stories" Meaning me talking about Emeric. So this is someone that I used to see about 1x a wk maybe more and we talked every couple days on the phone. I haven't seen her since that day so it has been about 15 wks or so and we talk 1x or so a month. I have since had another loss and she offered no support at all. 1 phone call but no emotional or physical support whatsover. I value her friendship (I don't have any other local friends right now) but don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of talking to her and just letting her know that it is hard for me but I value our friendship and will do what I can to support her during her pg BUT I also need her to support me by allowing me to talk about my losses and where I am at. I think she just doesn't know what to do or say so does nothing. What do you guys think?


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> On another note..... I have a friend (I believe I have discussed it here at some point) who is pg. She found out she was 8 wks pg when Emeric had been gone 8 wks (not good timing). This is her 3rd pg. She has never had a loss and she just doesn't get it. She told me she was pg in the middle of hte children's museum and not in a very compassionate way. It was really awful. A few days later I let her know how hard that was for me and that it was going to be challenging with her being pg but that I was happy for her. Her response was "it is hard to hear all of these sad stories" Meaning me talking about Emeric. So this is someone that I used to see about 1x a wk maybe more and we talked every couple days on the phone. I haven't seen her since that day so it has been about 15 wks or so and we talk 1x or so a month. I have since had another loss and she offered no support at all. 1 phone call but no emotional or physical support whatsover. I value her friendship (I don't have any other local friends right now) but don't know how to go about it. I was thinking of talking to her and just letting her know that it is hard for me but I value our friendship and will do what I can to support her during her pg BUT I also need her to support me by allowing me to talk about my losses and where I am at. I think she just doesn't know what to do or say so does nothing. What do you guys think?


Nicole, I think that's a good idea to say, even if she can't handle the "sad stuff". Maybe that's just where she's at right now. My BF and I talk a lot less and see each other a lot less (she lives 2 blocks from me and our kids are a week apart). There wasn't really any support from her after my 1st loss, other than me telling her about it (at a children's museum, actually) and her expressing sympathy. But I had wanted to tell her in person, and this was a horrible context. Our kids were there as well as another friend of hers...not private at all. She never asked about it afterward. I know people don't know what to say, and she was pregnancy but not telling (so I didn't know) at that point, so maybe she felt guilty. But it was so alienating that I never told her about my 2nd loss. Even now the most I've gotten is her telling me that she'll give me back the maternity clothes I'm lending her as soon as I need them. It just sucks. If you have the type of relationship with your friend that you can open up emotionally to her, go for it. I'm not sure if it's something I can do.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Nicole*~ I would let her know how you feel and that you value her friendship.









I finally decided to give the baby a name & add the name to my siggy even though the chromosome testing didn't work so no answers to why it happened or gender, I had a strong feeling it was a girl since a girl name was the only name we could agree on and i do feel guilty about saving that name if we do eventually have a baby girl. The name i decided on was November Hope, mainly used hope since it took 3years to get pregnant and November since that was the month we lost the baby.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Oh I am so sorry for all of you whose friends are not supportive. I am SO lucky because I don't have family close by to help but I have the most amazing friends. My best friend took care of my kids while I had my D&E, organized the cremation for the baby so I didn't have to do it and organized a food tree among our amazing circle of friends. Because of her and our awesome friends since we found out last week we have literally had people here every day bringing us food. I have yet to have to make a meal.

((((((HUGS))))) to you all.....


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

socal- November Hope, what a beautiful name. I think it is perfect!!!

alyssa- I had super supportive friends after my first loss. A bunch of people stepped out of the shadows when Emeric died and were really there for me for a few weeks. Then it was just empty and lonely. When I got pg this last time my local bff ended the friendship and a mutual friend of hers just never called me since emerics death so I wrote that off and then my other friend became pg (that is all explained above) so it just leaves me with no support right now.
I am so glad you had help with the cremation and stuff, this is really hard and it is great to feel like other people care.

wyndlynn- I don't know if we have that type of relationship but feel dishonest not saying anything. Our friendship has really changed due to these circumstances and I don't see it getting better unless I say something. I don't know if I have the guts but will see.

AFM- I asked my dr to send me a list of the tests that were done for my recurrent loss testing. as I was curious and I know some of you had asked which tests get done.

Here is the list he sent:

HbA1c test for diabetes was normal

TSH for thyroid screening pending

Hypercoagulable profile pending is a series of tests with regard to blood clotting in pregnancy (http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/test/obstetric_hypercoagulability_profile.htm )

I am not expecting anything to turn up but figured I would do them just in case. Unfortunately I think I just have bad luck.

I hope everyone is doing well considering our situations.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Nicole - I am so sorry. I don't why people don't understand, why our culture doesn't talk about it. I have been watching Mad Men on DVD, and one of the women is infertile and very sad. Her husband yells at her that she either needs to be okay with it or keep it to herself. Some people are more polite, but they feel the same way, and that just isn't fair.

I hope you talk to your friend. My only advice is to be kind, because she won't hear you otherwise. But be open. And if it doesn't work out, I hope you find a new friend, today even.

Thinking of you all today.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Nicole~* Do you know if you dr did this ones also? ACTIVATED PROTEIN C RESISTANCE . I know when i had a bunch of blood work to find out the reason for my other two m/c & to find a reason for not getting pregnant back in Sept, that test was also ordered in addition to the ones you listed. The infertility dr also did a chromosome analysis and anti-body blood work on both me and dh and everything came back normal. Thank you for the compliment on the name.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

socal- My dr only tested for what I listed. I can have him test for the ACTIVATED PROTEIN C RESISTANCE if nothing comes up. The dr and I discussed the chromosome analysis and decided to opt out of that. The tests he ran were for things that something can be done about. If nothing can be done then I didn't see the point.

Wislon- If I do decide to talk to my friend I will definately be gentle. I don't want to attack her, just inform her. I am guessing she is lost and avoiding me to a point bcs she just doesn't know what to do or say.

wilso if ifif


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## ZinniaGarden (Sep 9, 2010)

Don't have time to really reply to everyone individually but I am thinking of you all and praying for our health and healing.

I have been having anxiety over DH and kids dying as well. I don't remember this from my loss 12 years ago and have, at times, found it very difficult to deal with. I am so glad to hear that this is "normal" but am really looking forward to the day that death does not feel so close. My father died a year ago and I did not feel so close to death and have the anxiety about my kids and DH when he died. I guess loosing a baby is so different.

My BFF lives far away and has been supportive. My family (mother and aunt) are close and have been supportive but do not want to talk about the miscarriage at all. They want to know if I am doing well or not, but don't want the details. I have found this forum to be so much of a relief - I need to "talk" about it and "hear" other's stories.

My soon to be sister-in-law had a situation where she HAD to leave (use your imagination) and there was nobody to keep her kids - she had moved in next door to me. Guess who got to baby sit while she was gone all day. Me. It was either that or social services. Her kids are a 12 mo old baby girl and a 3 yr old little boy. The baby bonded to me and wanted me to hold her and play with her and rock her and give her her bottle, etc all day long. This was the day after we found out we lost our baby. That was SOOOOO hard. All I could see was fat cheeks and dimples. Such a sweet easy going baby. I rocked her in my new rocking chair that was supposed to be for my baby.

Anyway, I had to go on antibiotics after the mc and now I have a yeast infection. Doctor said the otc meds are fine to use so will be starting that tonight. Fun stuff, hu?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

zinnia- so sorry about your loss. That sounds so hard to have to take care of those kiddos. I am glad you could do it for them, though.

I too have severe anxiety about my kids dieing. My biggest thing is being afraid they are going to get ran over. I totally freak when we are near streets, cars, parking lots etc. Also drowning is a big one for me (my SIL's sisters little boy drowned 1 1/2 yrs ago at age 3 1/2 and I have been freaked out about it since then but it has increased since Emeric's death).


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

just got my tests results back. There are a few that aren't in yet but everything is normal so far. That is what I expected, so I guess I just have a 50/50 chance of carrying another baby to term. How frustrating.

Had a good day skiing today and the boot didn't hurt my tatoo too bad. Should have pics up soon as my brother has his camera now and said he would get some up for me.

Hope everyone is making it through the weekend ok.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

We talked to our 3 yo about our baby going to heaven after the miscarriage. It also happened to be in the middle of advent, when we were talking about baby Jesus a lot.

Now she thinks that baby Jesus is her brother in heaven, and that I am his mother. Which is funny, even if it is also so sad.

Her bible class teacher told me this morning that she included baby Jesus in our family. The teacher thought it was cute, but I knew she was thinking of her baby brother, and that warmed and broke my heart.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

wilson- That is soooo sweet and sooo sad too. Our priest told me to keep Mary close to my heart as she lost a son too. That has really helped me during this hard time.

I am having a hard day today. Just really missing my babies and wishing that I had some answers. Would like to be looking forward to at least ttc but that isn't in the cards so for now I just have to accept things the way they are.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Wilson*- That is so sweet and so sad too.

*Nicole~*







on not being able to ttc right now.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> Our priest told me to keep Mary close to my heart as she lost a son too. That has really helped me during this hard time.


Thanks, I hadn't thought about it that way. I will keep her close. I'm sorry you can ttc now, and that you've had a hard day. I'll be praying for peace for all of us tonight.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Thanks ladies. Dh is done so no ttc indefinitely. Hoping he changes his mind at some point but for now I have to accept being done and I am having a really hard time with that.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Nicole- that is so hard. The ttc thing is so complicated by this whole loss situation. My dh feels the same way. Some part of me really wants to change his mind but some part of me doesn't know if I can ever handle another pregnancy.

Wilson- that is really sweet and beautiful...

Zinnia- that is so tough. I am so sorry that your SIL did that too. You sound like an amazingly strong woman and those kids are lucky to have an aunt that loves the so much.

Kami- I think the name you chose is absolutely beautiful.

I had an exceptionally crappy day today. It has been 2 weeks today that we found out our baby had passed. I was going to attempt my first playgroup with friends etc. On the way there I picked up the baby's cremated ashes. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I cried the whole way to my friends house. If it weren't for my older kids I would have just gone home but they have been stuck home for almost 2 weeks and were so looking forward to playing with friends.

In general it was really tough- lots of babies lots of talk of pregnancy etc and I felt it so hard. My oldest son so wanted this baby and it hurts me so much to watch him play and coo and love other peoples little ones. i so wanted him to get his wish and have a new baby of our own.

On top of everything I finally fit back in normal clothes and my bleeding has stopped. In some ways these are great- no more maternity clothes. It has been killing me to put those pants on every day when I am not pregnant and nice to be physically "better" but in some strange way it is so sad. It is like the last few tangible links to my baby are gone.

And as a final straw my cell phone fell out of pocket into the toilet at my friends house and now it won't turn on.

I am not supposed to take a bath till friday but I think I am saying screw it and taking a beer and having a bath.....


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

alyssa- why on earth can't you take a bath? That is just mean to do to a grieving mama! I am so sorry you had such a crappy day. Your baby just died 2 wks ago, things are not normal nor shall they feel that way.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> alyssa- why on earth can't you take a bath?


IDK exactly but they told me after the D&E to wait 2 weeks to take a bath. I figure my bleeding has stopped and I am close enough to 2 weeks.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I didn't have a d&e so don't know the rules about that. but just 2 days after I had Emeric my midwife ran me a bath. basically told me to bath and change my clothes as I stunk (of course she did it in a kind and loving way). I hope your day is better today. I am not sure I could handle a playgroup much less 2 wks after. Hang in there.

AFM- well it looks like I am approaching ovulation. This stresses me out every month. It is so hard to want something so bad (another baby), know when I am fertile, and have to intentionally avoid getting pregnant. This is sooooo hard.

I have been to the cemetary 2x this wk already. Just really missing my babies.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alyssatuininga*
> 
> On top of everything I finally fit back in normal clothes and my bleeding has stopped. In some ways these are great- no more maternity clothes. It has been killing me to put those pants on every day when I am not pregnant and nice to be physically "better" but in some strange way it is so sad. It is like the last few tangible links to my baby are gone.


I had mixed feelings like this too. I stopped wearing my maternity jeans right away because I just hated the sight of them, even though my other pants didn't fit. I also started drinking beer the day after they took my baby out. I felt sort of like, "fine, I'm not pregnant, I'll drink all I want." Although, that makes it sound a lot worse than it was. But then, when my bleeding stopped, I kept wearing pads for almost a week because I wasn't ready to be healed. So strange to just stop being pregnant.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alyssatuininga*
> 
> IDK exactly but they told me after the D&E to wait 2 weeks to take a bath. I figure my bleeding has stopped and I am close enough to 2 weeks.


I read that doctors have different opinions about baths, and so they all say different things. I was told 1 week.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Thanks Nicole. I just went ahead and had a bath (and Laura I had a beer too for the exact same reason). My bleeding was gone for 2 days but started up again today. UGH. Frustrating to say the least. I don't know what to do with the baby's ashes. They are sitting on my kitchen table right now and I start to cry every time I see them. We plan to bury them with a tree for the baby just like the boy's placentas but that won't happen for a few months at least. What to do with them in the meantime?

Nicole so sorry you are having a hard time with ovulation. I am going in on Tuesday to talk to me midwife about birth control options. I just can't think about another baby right now, nor can I handle a possible pregnancy and or loss at this stage.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't even know where to post this, here or on the adoption forum. I kind of belong both places or neither!

I have been getting really cranky and detached the closer I get to February and the restart of our child search. (re-cap, I found out I was pregnant the same day as our first trip to look over avalible children.) it finally hit me that I am terrified, not of adopting, just of losing my adopted child dream again, then losing my unborn baby. The whole ball started rolling on the day we went in to look at profiles and my heart got broken and I am just having myself a little freak out. Ugh.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sagewina- Restarting the process must bring up soooo many emotions. I wish you the best in this journey.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. This thread has been a bit quiet lately.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Someone else on my Facebook posted ultrasound pictures to announce her pregnancy, she's 12 weeks. It has happened several times since our loss, it never fails to stun me... Then I spend too much time looking over every image. I am jealous. I am happy for them. I am jealous!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I have been getting really cranky and detached the closer I get to February and the restart of our child search. (re-cap, I found out I was pregnant the same day as our first trip to look over avalible children.) it finally hit me that I am terrified, not of adopting, just of losing my adopted child dream again, then losing my unborn baby. The whole ball started rolling on the day we went in to look at profiles and my heart got broken and I am just having myself a little freak out. Ugh.


I'm so sorry. I know that has to be hard, but maybe it will be healing too? This time you can complete the adoption?

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Someone else on my Facebook posted ultrasound pictures to announce her pregnancy, she's 12 weeks. It has happened several times since our loss, it never fails to stun me... Then I spend too much time looking over every image. I am jealous. I am happy for them. I am jealous!


all of my friends seem to post ultrasound photos at 7 weeks. It breaks my heart, because it's so naive, and I was naive at that point too. I feel like, if I had known then that I would only have my baby until 14 weeks, I would have loved him harder, and talked to him more.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Sagewinna - Sorry you're having a rough time. Hopefully the next phase in your process is a positive one.

AFM - I made it through my EDD. It wasn't that great. I was working an unusually long day which didn't help. DH gave a nice card and ran around finding organic strawberries so I could make strawberry shortcake. But DH wasn't really tuning into me when I wanted to share my feelings. I spent some time looking at dd's baby pics, which was really nice, actually. I really wanted to bd but dh was not into it...I'll save that rant for the ttc board. Anyway, glad to be past the day but seriously not looking forward to my sister's shower this weekend.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Wendlynnn~* Glad you were able to make it through your edd.









Yesterday was a rough day







DD came up to me and goes someone at my school is having a baby girl, when is your baby girl going to get here? I can't wait to meet her.







. I didn't know what to say to her at all. Right after the m/c happened i told her there was no more baby and the baby got sick and died.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Kami - I told my daughter that our baby went to heaven and so he wouldn't be coming to live with us. She says, "but maybe he'll come later." They are so sweet, it's heartbreaking.

Off topic, sort of. I've been having a lot of night sweats lately. i've only had these on rare occasions before, and usually I associated it with sleeping really hard, or over dressing. I didn't really have them during any of my pregnancies. I called my mom to ask her about it, because I thought she once told me she started having early menopause symptoms around 30 (it was actually 36). Anyway, she said it shouldn't be pre-menopause (I'm 29), and she thought it was probably because of my hormones after the miscarriage. I know hormones do all kinds of crazy stuff, and it's different for everybody. But does any body know anything about this? Or is there some other common cause of night sweats?

Thanks


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Laura~* Yeah it is sweet and heartbreaking, around christmas she saw a toy and was telling dh how they needed to buy it for the baby.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

The last few days, I've been thinking that I feel my baby move. It doesn't feel like gas, it feels like a little foot pushing me. At first I think, oh there's the baby. And then I remember, no that's not the baby. I should be 22 weeks.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm sorry, Wilson. I've had moments like that and they are so hard. As for the night sweats, I had them bad in the months after my surviving children were born, and have had them off and on for the past few years (peri-menopausal). I would definitely suspect hormones.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

So sorry Laura. I should be 18 weeks today.

Feeling emotionally raw today- sorry for to responding to everyone.

Just wanted to let everyone know I had my follow up with OB today. Physically I am doing good although he is mildly concerned that I am still bleeding- 15 days out from the D&E. He has concerns that it could indicate a low grade infection. We shall see.

We got the pathology report from my blood tests and the baby. The good news:

The placenta was normal, functional and indicated no problems. The cord was healthy and intact with no indication of cord problems. There was no evidence of bacterial infection in my blood tests or in the amniotic fluid. There were no developmental abnormalities in the baby. They ran the AFP test on the amniotic fluid and it all came back normal (looking for common genetic abnormalities).

The bad news:

The pathology report indicated that there was some inflammation/swelling in the heart tissue of the baby. My blood tests showed lower than normal white cell counts. Both things together are an indicator of a viral infection. It could be that this viral infection happened after the baby died or it could be the cause of death. There is no way of knowing.

The good news is that if it was a viral infection that caused the baby to die it is highly unlikely that it would happen again if we ever want to do it again.

We also found out for sure that the baby was a boy.

It was a tough appointment and honestly I am glad to have it behind me.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Wilson- I have never had night sweats, sounds horrible! I would guess that it is hormonal.

As far as feeling the baby move. I had that for a long time after Emeric's death and it really freaked me out. When I was about 16 wks pg I felt the little gas bubble kicks several different times and thought for sure that it was the baby moving. Our u/s later that week showed that the baby had died several weeks before that. The bubble kicks continued for several months after his birth (even into the next pg). I have only had them once since this last loss so it has been about 6 wks but it really really sucks, makes me sad, and freaks me out, all at the same time.

so cal-  it is so sad how this affects everyone in the family.alyssa- It is so hard not having a for sure answer but at least there is a good chance that this was a random occurance and most likely won't happen again. Have you given your son a name?

AFM- I am doing ok. most days I feel all right and am just trudging through and some days it just hits me soooo hard. It has been almost 6 months since Emerics death and about 2 months since peppers. I have my SHARE (pregnancy and infant loss support) group on thurs. and am really looking forward to it. Sucks that a "dead baby group" is what gets me through the month.

I am going to start a new thread and link it here. IT IS FEBRUARY!!!


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

our new thread is up!!!


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