# Would you let your dd stay with people you knew were in treatment for sex addiction?



## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

My dd is 2.
Someone she really oves and likes to be around is in treatment for sex addiction and I don't know the specifics surrounding this.
Should I be alarmed?
Would you let your dd stay the night there?


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

If I didn't know the specifics, no I wouldn't. There are lots of types of sex addiction, some of which wouldn't necessarily impact the child and some of which could. Until I knew whether there was a chance the person would engage in risky and/or inappropriate behavior in the presence of my kid, then no, they wouldn't be allowed to be alone with them.

The definition of addiction includes behavior that affects one's life in a negative way and may be uncontrollable at times, so letting my kid be unsupervised around any kind of addict isn't something I'd feel comfortable with.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I'm not aware that sex addiction equals pedophilia. If she's used to spending the night there and it's beneficial for all parties, why not?


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## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

my first thought was no, but i need more info i guess.
is this person male or female? are we talking about a history of consensual adult sex or something else?


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Never. She could spend time with he or she if I were around, but never spend the night. A child is helpless at two.


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## Fujiko (Nov 11, 2006)

Not if I didn't know the details of the addiction. I agree with a pp, that a 2-year-old is helpless if another person wanted to take advantage of them. For my own 2 yo, I'm very picky about who she spends time with unsupervised, even if that's just in our living room while I cook in the kitchen.


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## naismama (Oct 28, 2005)

My first thought is no, but as others have said, it's hard to say based on the info given. Someone mentioned that sex addiction does not = pedophilia, and that's true. But I think I would be concerned with my child being exposed to certain things--activities, items, etc.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
I'm not aware that sex addiction equals pedophilia. If she's used to spending the night there and it's beneficial for all parties, why not?

To be clear, I wasn't at all implying in my post that this person might molest the child. I'd be worried that they'd do something risky and/or inappropriate in front of the child. Some sex addicts do things like bring home strangers for sex -- I certainly wouldn't want something like that happening with my kid in the house.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

No. Probably not.

All addictions are different. But, I have a close friend who has a sex addiction. It has nothing at all to do with children. But, there's a lot more to it than you'd think. Their kids have not been affected by it yet... but, eventually they may figure it out.

At two, it's not likely that your child would ever see anything. But, if you keep having sleepovers, it's possible that she will see something.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

No. I wouldn't let an addict of most kinds be responsible for my child unsupervised while in treatment.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I'd need to know more. Is the person apt to bring a stranger around my child? So addicted that s/he would leave my child alone to get a "fix"?

Frankly, how much consensual sex someone has and with whom wouldn't concern me . . . but I'd need to know that my child wasn't going to be left alone or put in danger (ie: is this person going to advertise on craigslist or something for a sex partner, while my kid is in the house)?

How long has the person been in treatment? I would trust an addict further on in recovery, but someone who just got started and is, essentially, detoxing, would not be okay to be left alone with my young kid. Visits would be fine, though -- I wouldn't shun someone for an addiction, either.


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

My rule of thumb would be that if you have to ask then don't do it. Maybe when she is older, but honestly I don't think a two year old benefits from spending the night with anyone else, so unless it is out of necessity fot the parent/caregiver then absolutely not.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

No, not to stay with them supervising. I've been an addict, not sex addict but addiction is addiction, it impairs your judgment and responsibility and makes you make bad choices.


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## MamaMelis (Oct 23, 2009)

No, and that would go for anyone in any sort of treatment for any sort of addiction.


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## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pjs* 
no. I wouldn't let an addict of most kinds be responsible for my child unsupervised while in treatment.


ita


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I'd probably not let her stay the night - but it has more to do with the fact that she is 2. Does she really need to have sleep-overs? She can still visit with people during the day and go home to sleep. And TBH, unless I needed childcare, or these were grandparents we're talking about, I don't see the need to send my toddler somewhere w/o me, anyway. But that's just me, YMMV.

Sex addiction, like others have said, means various things depending on the addict. In most cases, chances are the child wouldn't be in any danger, but without knowing the extent of the addiction, I would probably not take the chance (considering you can keep up with supervised visits, anyhow.)


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

Nope. My best friend in the whole world struggles with sex addicition. She has random guys from craigslist come over to her house when her son is asleep.
Scares the crap out of me! I would never let my kids stay over there without me.


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## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

No. I wouldn't leave a two year old to sleep over anywhere, let alone the house of a person with an addiction that I didn't fully understand.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

No, I wouldn't leave a 2 year old alone or overnight in a sex addicts house. There is no way to be certain that you truly know all the details of their addiction. People usually keep the really ugly stuff to themselves so if this is what you know...what you don't know might be much more disturbing.

Or it might not--but that's not a chance I would take with my child.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

No, especially since you don't know them well enough to know the details.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

Your child can love someone without having to spend the night with them.

I would not even consider it.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

I personally can't think of a good reason to leave a child that young overnight at anyone else's home-unless it was an emergency or a formal event where I desperately needed a baby sitter. However, if I was considering letting my LO spend the night at a sex addict's house, I would be asking this person more about the nature of their addiction.

"Sex addiction" can mean anything from infidelity to running an illegal porn studio in your house so it really depends on the history behind the person who's getting treatment for it. If I'd be comfortable enough to consider this person for an overnight babysitter, I'd be comfortable enough to ask them what's the deal behind their addiction, KWIM?


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I'd probably not let her stay the night - but it has more to do with the fact that she is 2. Does she really need to have sleep-overs? She can still visit with people during the day and go home to sleep. And TBH, unless I needed childcare, or these were grandparents we're talking about, I don't see the need to send my toddler somewhere w/o me, anyway. But that's just me, YMMV.

Sex addiction, like others have said, means various things depending on the addict. In most cases, chances are the child wouldn't be in any danger, but without knowing the extent of the addiction, I would probably not take the chance (considering you can keep up with supervised visits, anyhow.)


It actually is her grandparent, lol. It has been a nagging thing in the back of my head for awhile, but it has never gone away. He is my stepdad.
I don't know the extent because he doesn't really love talking about it with me and my mom gets hysterical whenever we talk about it.....so.....I didn't want to say who it was for some reason, but it's not like it matters if I do, it's the truth.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
No, I wouldn't leave a 2 year old alone or overnight in a sex addicts house. There is no way to be certain that you truly know all the details of their addiction. People usually keep the really ugly stuff to themselves so if this is what you know...what you don't know might be much more disturbing.

Or it might not--but that's not a chance I would take with my child.

This is what I'm concerned about. I just don't _know_. I mean, anything could happen and honestly I don't 100% trust my mom ot tell me things or her judgement, even though in past posts here on MDC other members have told me it was probably me and not her. I just feel pretty much confused.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
No, especially since you don't know them well enough to know the details.

I mean, I don't know that this is accurate. I would say that on the whole I dont feel like my parents are very forth right or open people, but I do know them as much as anyone, I think. I don't think anyone knows the details except for maybe my mom, my step-dad, his therapist and the people in his group.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherry Alive* 
I personally can't think of a good reason to leave a child that young overnight at anyone else's home-unless it was an emergency or a formal event where I desperately needed a baby sitter. However, if I was considering letting my LO spend the night at a sex addict's house, I would be asking this person more about the nature of their addiction.

"Sex addiction" can mean anything from infidelity to running an illegal porn studio in your house so it really depends on the history behind the person who's getting treatment for it. If I'd be comfortable enough to consider this person for an overnight babysitter, I'd be comfortable enough to ask them what's the deal behind their addiction, KWIM?









These are good points. I guess it just doesn't sound like a fun chat to have, esp. since we have talked about it before and it didn't really go that great. But I know, being a mom means biting the bullet.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Hmmmmm, well. I know a sex addict that I'd trust my son with...even at two.
But I reeeeeaaaalllly know this person and know alllllllllll the details surrounding the addiction.
I would venture to say that I'm comfortable with this person because he/she has been extremely open about it and because of the type of addiction.

Buuuuut, I don't think I'd ever willingly leave my kiddo with a *known* sex addict (no matter what type) who wasn't willing to lay it all out on the table.
I mean, it's my child. If my parents weren't willing to lay it all out for the sake/safety of my child I'd feel skweemish.

I would have to know A LOT about the person to feel comfortable for an overnight.

That's just me, though. If YOU feel your step-dad is safe (or not), then trust your gut. You know your mom and SD better than any of us.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I would want to know more before I made a decision. If it were a string of one-night stands, then I wouldn't care. If it were a frequent need to engage in public sex, then I'd probably re-consider on the chance that my children saw their grandparents DTD. Who wants those memories?

I think it's probably unlikely that your dd would be harmed because much of sex addiction is about compulsive behaviors related to having sex or hyper-sexuality. Then again, we're polyamorous, and I know there are people who wouldn't let their children come to our house if they knew when we're absolutely no harm to children - our own or otherwise. Still, the bottom line for me would be that I would want more detail before I made a decision.


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## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

Well, a sex addict does not equal a pedophile. However, I would want to know that your relative has really been "sober" for some time before you let your daughter sleep over with him alone as the caregiver.

I wouldn't want strangers entering the home because of an untamed sexual compulsion. Or, I can imagine, perhaps your daughter would be left unattended if he ran out to hook up with someone. These are both worse case scenarios. But if you are mostly in the dark about the nature of the addiction, I would just be cautious, until it seems to be something in the past.

But I would say ... doesn't mean they can't hang out a lot w/you or your mom there. Sex addicts are not "bad people" or dangerous to kids per se.

Get some more details from your mom so you can make a more informed decision.

Liz


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Nope. The risks outweigh the benefits.

Benefits to sleeping over (especially at this age)...? Besides a night off for you I guess.

Risk... exposure to something inappropriate or neglect.

I'd just enjoy the time all together and look elsewhere for any care that would be overnight.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Well, is your stepdad going to be alone with your kid? Or is your mom going to be there?

I totally understand why a parent might not really want to discuss details with their kid.

But to be honest, "sexual addiction" unfortunately means many different things to different people. I've gotten ads for churches stating that ANY viewing of porn makes you a sexual addict and oh by the way we have a focus group for that. I've also frankly heard some people use it as an excuse for being caught in an affair, to legitimize it, I guess.

I wouldn't automatically ban anyone who'd ever been in an affair from watching my child overnight. I also don't quiz friends about whether or not they've ever looked at playboy. However, if someone was having a problem with needing to look at porn every 5 minutes, compulsively making it on their webcam, needed to expose themselves in public, or needed to cruise the streets every night to pick up streetwalkers or other people for anonymous and unprotected sex, um, yeah, that might be a problem there.

I wouldn't leave your kid with your mom and stepdad right now for a different reason. If your mom is still in the "hysterical" stage and refuses to talk about things even to answer a basic safety question, then I'd be worried that their relationship is too unstable and emotions are just a little too high for a healthy environment just now.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
My dd is 2.
Someone she really oves and likes to be around is in treatment for sex addiction and I don't know the specifics surrounding this.
Should I be alarmed?
Would you let your dd stay the night there?

I wouldn't let my 2 year old stay the night anywhere. The only reason my 2.5 year old stayed the night at grandma's this summer was because I was in the hospital and it was kind of necessary.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I'd probably not let her stay the night - but it has more to do with the fact that she is 2. Does she really need to have sleep-overs?

Totally. I can't imagine having my 2 year old sleep away from me without the reason of an emergency.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
No. I wouldn't leave a two year old to sleep over anywhere, let alone the house of a person with an addiction that I didn't fully understand.

Yup.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
It actually is her grandparent, lol. It has been a nagging thing in the back of my head for awhile, but it has never gone away. He is my stepdad.
I don't know the extent because he doesn't really love talking about it with me and my mom gets hysterical whenever we talk about it.....so.....I didn't want to say who it was for some reason, but it's not like it matters if I do, it's the truth.

If Grandma doesn't feel you have a right to know what his addiction encompasses, she can't be trusted to watch out well enough for your child, IMO.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

I haven't had time to read the other posts... Anyhow...Not a chance. Key word here being "addiction."


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Okay. So I had a chance to read the posts, and now I am screaming NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (nicely, of course). I am a jaded person having been a social worker in child welfare for many years, but I will tell you that although sex addiction does not equal pedophilia, I certainly would not rule it out as a possibility. I know far too many people, of all different socio-economic backgrounds, who have been sexually abused by family members. Friends of mine, multiple family members abused by two different individuals, and a large percentage of my caseload... Main perpetrators in my experiences have been stepdads, uncles, grandpas, fathers, older brothers, older cousins, etc. NOT to stereotype, but these are the people with the most access and who statistically are most likely to perpetrate.

Who wants your daughter to sleep over? Your mom and stepdad or you? I wouldn't find it to be a "red flag" per se for them to want her to sleep over, but it would make me extra concerned in light of everything else. Your mom becoming hysterical over it and your stepdad not wanting to talk openly about it don't give me a warm, safe, secure feeling for your daughter.

I am not trying to equate sex addiction with pedophilia, but as I said before...keyword regardless is "addiction." I think it is a really really terrible idea. I see no benefit. She is two...I have an almost two year old and I can't imagine him sleeping anywhere but with one of his parents anyhow, and certainly not in a situation like this. There are lots of other reasons that she needs her mama over night besides this whole thing. Personally, I wouldn't allow day time babysitting either, even with your mom there until she is older, you have talked to her about personal boundaries, privacy, touching, etc, she understands what you've said, and is able to call you if stepdad needs to go get a "fix" and can't control himself or something. Not to mention, where does this leave your mom coping emotionally? Is she able to provide adequate care? I also wouldn't allow babysitting until your mom can discuss it without being hysterical, can tell you the extent of it, and your stepfather has been in recovery for a number of months or years. It is true that it could be something like looking at porn too frequently, but it could also be a lot more serious than that. I don't think many people get treatment if it isn't serious. There is just no benefit right now to having them babysit. As far as risks go, I would say there are multiple risks and they're all pretty serious. Please don't take the chance.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
It actually is her grandparent, lol. It has been a nagging thing in the back of my head for awhile, but it has never gone away. He is my stepdad.
I don't know the extent because he doesn't really love talking about it with me and my mom gets hysterical whenever we talk about it.....so.....I didn't want to say who it was for some reason, but it's not like it matters if I do, it's the truth.

What do you mean that it has been a nagging thing in the back of your head for a while? That you suspected that he had a sex addiction? That you suspected she might not necessarily be safe with him? Follow your gut, mama....


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## bjerme (Nov 13, 2009)

Having a sex addiction does not make one turn into a pedophile...


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## Rockies5 (May 17, 2005)

No. Period. Not no with conditions or if I had all the details, just simply--no. Its ok to say no.

and I've never had a 2yo sleep over or sleep away. Who brought up the idea?


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 

If Grandma doesn't feel you have a right to know what his addiction encompasses, she can't be trusted to watch out well enough for your child, IMO.

Good point. Not saying she isn't capable of taking good care of your LO, but what if something that made her uncomfortable did happen... would she tell you about it?

I just don't see the need. Even when we lived close to both sets of grandparents the only time a 2 yr old stayed with them w/o a parent was when we needed care. Spending the night for fun - doesn't even sound very fun for a 2 yo, IMO. They tend to be happier in the comfort of their own home, with their parents. That plus your concerns would be a absolute no-go for me.

How about if grandma thinks it would be fun to stay overnight with the LO, grandma comes and stays the night at your place?


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## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

Never. Ever.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bjerme* 
Having a sex addiction does not make one turn into a pedophile...

If that was directed at my post, I agree, and stated that. Sex addiction does make one an addict though.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
No. I wouldn't leave a two year old to sleep over anywhere, let alone the house of a person with an addiction that I didn't fully understand.











Also OP, I just saw your post where you said you don't trust your mother's judgement. I think that is your answer right there. Don't send your baby to spend the night with people you don't trust 100%, even if they happen to be a grandparent.


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## EnchantedMamma (May 19, 2008)

Either way, they're not really healthy, in a very important area. I would say not unsupervised - by you. If at all.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
These are good points. I guess it just doesn't sound like a fun chat to have, esp. since we have talked about it before and it didn't really go that great. But I know, being a mom means biting the bullet.

Ahhh... I missed that he was your stepfather. Did he raise you? If so, was he a decent parent or did he do anything inappropriate that you wouldn't want around your DD?

If he isn't someone who's been in your life that long, could you talk to your mother and get more info?

If my stepdad had a sex addict problem, I'd be inclined to let my LO stay with him still as long as he was a decent parent when I was a kid. My own folks, though, have their other issues (mostly my mom-long story) so I'm not letting them do any babysitting until my DD is older.

What I'm doing to quench their desire to babysit is offering them to come to our house to what DD when DH and I are doing a big home project/chores. That way they can watch her while we get things done, but I'm always around to keep an eye on things and be there when she needs me.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
This is what I'm concerned about. I just don't _know_. I mean, anything could happen and honestly I don't 100% trust my mom ot tell me things or her judgement, even though in past posts here on MDC other members have told me it was probably me and not her. I just feel pretty much confused.

I'm sorry. I've been in a similar place--my parents adopted an adolescent a few years ago, and he has major psychological issues. Every time I talk to them I get a different story and the only thing I could do, for my own little familys sake, was stay clear. I don't blame the kid, but I also don't want to put my 4 year old in any jeapordy.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bjerme* 
Having a sex addiction does not make one turn into a pedophile...

Why do people keep saying that? I can only assume that you haven't read the thread, since numerous people have acknowledged that but have also given lots and lots of other reasons that sending your kid for overnights at a sex addict's house are bad ideas.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
Good point. Not saying she isn't capable of taking good care of your LO, but what if something that made her uncomfortable did happen... would she tell you about it?

I just don't see the need. Even when we lived close to both sets of grandparents the only time a 2 yr old stayed with them w/o a parent was when we needed care. Spending the night for fun - doesn't even sound very fun for a 2 yo, IMO. They tend to be happier in the comfort of their own home, with their parents. That plus your concerns would be a absolute no-go for me.

How about if grandma thinks it would be fun to stay overnight with the LO, grandma comes and stays the night at your place?


I guess the sleepover idea came from us having stayed with my parents for about a month when we moved here and were looking for a house. My dd got used to being around them and that is also when the whole sex-addiciton was discussed with my dad. I guess it wasn't so much that he didn't want to talk about it as he's an aspie and has a hard time being interrupted and I had a lot of questions and after a certain point he just shut down, couldn't really talk any more that whole night.
So anyway, my dd LOVES her Grandparents, does not ever even miss me or DH, when she talks to us on the phone before she goes to bed she just sounds so happy and never says to come get her or anything, she is VERY verbal and can express herself very easily, plus my mom would bring her home if she was fussy, my mom doesn't do fussy.

It's just that I don't know much about sexual addiction.
My step-dad explained it as he was looking at porn on the computer and my mom found out and it has really caused a big rift in their relationship, they are "hyper-religious" what ever that does or means any more, I'm so jaded about it all.

I guess ultimately I feel bad for dd, she asks for them every single day, wants to sleep over there, says that all the time and she would miss it. They have horses and a cat that she loves and my brother and his best friend are there all the time and she loves them, too.

But you are right about me not truely trusting my mom to tell me if something wierd happened.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
It's just that I don't know much about sexual addiction.
My step-dad explained it as he was looking at porn on the computer and my mom found out and it has really caused a big rift in their relationship, they are "hyper-religious" what ever that does or means any more, I'm so jaded about it all.

If all it's about is porn, that wouldn't stop me from letting my kid spend the night. The religious stuff would bother me way more . . . going on what he described, I wouldn't even think "addiction." I'd think your mom caught him and freaked out, and made a mountain out of a molehill.

If you really don't trust their judgement, that's fair enough . . . but the sex part of this really seems inconsequential now.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

Pedophilia is irrelevant in my opinion.

I'd be just as concerned about stepdad needing a fix and doing it where my child will come across him and see what he's using for his fix- such as pornography. It's very very damaging for children to get their first impressions of sexuality from pornography. It's also abusive to allow them to see it.

My stepdad would watch porn and I'd get up in the night to use the restroom and there he would be, and he wasn't even a sex addict.

It's a disturbing and horrific thing to witness.

I'd not expose my child to anyone that didn't have control of themselves- pretty much most addictions fall under this imo.








If stepdad isn't even willing to be transparent I'd have huge issues being around both of them. It's not healthy.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I guess ultimately I feel bad for dd, she asks for them every single day, wants to sleep over there, says that all the time and she would miss it. They have horses and a cat that she loves and my brother and his best friend are there all the time and she loves them, too.

She doesn't have to miss out on any of that, it's just that you should be there too.

Although as Jessy said, looking at internet porn (which I'm assuming he doesn't/wouldn't do within view of your DD) is a lot different than trolling the streets for stranger sex.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Well, I wouldn't leave my children in the care of any kind of addict. Addiction by definition means that they have uncontrollable urges/compulsions and I can't trust a person to do right by my child if they can't control themselves (even if the addiction would not directly affect my child). For example, addicts sometimes put their children in bad situations (i.e. take them into dangerous places), not because they don't care about their children, but because their need to get their "fix" is so great that it overrides their better judgment.

Now, after reading your further details, I'm not sure I would necessarily call your step-dad a "sex addict" (a man who looks at porn--whoa! call the national enquirer!). It really depends on what kind/how much/etc. But since he's seeing a therapist and your mom and he are choosing to call it an addiction, I would just take that at face value and not leave my children there overnight.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Yeah, I also totally don't understand why she would have to miss out on anything, besides the actually sleeping-in-bed-at-their-house. You can go hang out with them, eat dinner, hang out all evening, then go home. You can do during the day, ride the horses, play with the cat, etc.

I don't get it.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Under these circumstances, I would not let her sleepover there without you.

Porn is what he told you about, but you have no way to confirm that that's the extent of it. I'd need WAY more info before I'd consider leaving DD alone in their care, daytime or nighttime.

ETA: "wife caught me looking at porn" is significantly different than "in treatment for sex addiction"


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
No. I wouldn't leave a two year old to sleep over anywhere, let alone the house of a person with an addiction that I didn't fully understand.

Same here.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
Yeah, I also totally don't understand why she would have to miss out on anything, besides the actually sleeping-in-bed-at-their-house. You can go hang out with them, eat dinner, hang out all evening, then go home. You can do during the day, ride the horses, play with the cat, etc.

I don't get it.









I guess I should have really elaborated. I don't know where to begin or what applies and what doesn't.
I don't really like my parents, we don't get along. They are not my favorite people to be around and I find hanging around when dd is there to be sorta like nails on a chalk board. I end up flipping through the same magazine a few times trying to find something on TV and then wanting to take dd home.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
Under these circumstances, I would not let her sleepover there without you.

Porn is what he told you about, but you have no way to confirm that that's the extent of it. I'd need WAY more info before I'd consider leaving DD alone in their care, daytime or nighttime.

ETA: "wife caught me looking at porn" is significantly different than "in treatment for sex addiction"

He _is_ in addiction therapy. Like I said, I just don't _know_ the details and that is as far as he and got in our discussion. I don't know how frequent his porn usage was, I don't know how out of control it was. I just moved here last year and they told me after I had already made the move across the country.....even though I had been here scouting the town out a week before I moved here









As a step-dad he was ok. Before they married it was better, I guess he didn't feel a responsibility to me then, after they married her became much more controlling/rigid. There were times when he yelled in my face, he is in the military and as I mentioned before, an Aspie(although highly functioning as well just highly intelligent as many are).

I never would have pegged him for a sexual addiction or for looking at porn, but I also found out that even though he ragged on me and I mean really really ragged on me for years about smoking(I eventually quit) he had been secretly smoking!!! So he can keep secrets and evidently has been leading double lives in different ways for years, so who knows what else, y'know!?


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I guess I should have really elaborated. I don't know where to begin or what applies and what doesn't.
I don't really like my parents, we don't get along. They are not my favorite people to be around and I find hanging around when dd is there to be sorta like nails on a chalk board. I end up flipping through the same magazine a few times trying to find something on TV and then wanting to take dd home.

Why would anyone consider letting a 2 yo spend the night a person's house that they don't like, don't get along with and don't trust? Seems to me these issues alone should be enough to not allow spend the night parties not even taking into account the sex addiction.

I understand your dd loves her grandparents and she misses them but this is obviously not a healthy situation to be sending her into alone.

I hope this doesn't come across as snarky. It is not my intent. I am just hoping you can see the situation as a whole and not solely focus on the sex addiction.


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## princesstutu (Jul 17, 2007)

Yeah, if you don't like them, why would you consider having your child sleep over there? Your child is 2. You get to make these decisions. It doesn't matter if your child likes the adult in question or not; if you don't like the people, don't leave your kid at their house.

That's my take on it. Sex addiction doesn't even have to come into it. It reads like you're trying to find a "valid" excuse to say no to your kid.

You don't need any other reason. How you feel is a good enough reason. We don't ever have to validate not wanting to be around ppl who contribute negativity to our lives (emotional, material, whatever) and as parents, we don't have to find excuses to keep our children away from those ppl either. Honoring our true feelings is what keeps us from being as dysfunctional as the others around us.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
Of course this is a good point, I guess I just have guilt.

Maybe it would help to focus instead on the guilt you would feel if your mom ended up acting like a jerk to your daughter. Your daughter may find herself very very disappointed one day, if her grandma, who she loves so much, ends up treating her in the manner that she has treated you which has left you feeling like you don't want to be around her. Literally, my mom is my son's favorite person in the world besides his parents, but I know better and I'm not going to foster a close relationship between the two because I know it is a big set up for hurt feelings and damaged self esteem later on. Its a lot harder to hurt a person when you're not super close to them. One day if my mom acts crazy towards my son, he will hopefully be able to blow it off as "my crazy grandma" and not as "my grandma who is so important to me and whose opinion of me and actions matter so much that I really feel hurt by what she has said/done."

You're a mom. Your number one priority is your child and you don't have to feel guilty about that for one second.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

I would be leery of my child spending the night in any house where I was aware there was an adult battling any addiction. But a sex adiction I didn't know all the details about? No freaking way.

And mu eldest is 5 1/2 and the only time she's ever been away from us when when I had DS. I can't fathom why I'd need to place my children out of the home unless I had a medical emergency but it surely wouldn't be that home!!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I guess I should have really elaborated. I don't know where to begin or what applies and what doesn't.
I don't really like my parents, we don't get along. They are not my favorite people to be around and I find hanging around when dd is there to be sorta like nails on a chalk board. I end up flipping through the same magazine a few times trying to find something on TV and then wanting to take dd home.

The more information you supply, the more all signs point to no unsupervised visits. There's nothing wrong with just getting together as a family rather than dropping her off, even if it means you being a little bored for a few hours.

ETA: Could you bring a knitting project or your own book or something so you have something more interesting to do while you're there?


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

No.

I agree with this:

Quote:

No. I wouldn't let an addict of most kinds be responsible for my child unsupervised while in treatment.
Very few people have my children without me being around. I need to know them *very* well, and need to have experienced a long history of healthy behavior and trustworthiness from them.

A current addict, or an addict in recent treatment, whatever the addiction, probably not, no matter how nice a person they might be.

With your added information, it would be a no, sex addiction or not. I wouldn't leave my child alone with people who I couldn't myself stand to be around. If they are *that* awful to spend time with, I wouldn't lay that on my young child either.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 
If you don't really like your parents and don't get along, what makes you think that they are a good choice for your daughter to be around?

I don't think that's fair. My mom and grandmother do not get along and haven't since my mother was a small child. I adore my grandmother, though. I stayed at her house all the time, and I wouldn't have gotten to if my mom felt she had to stay, too, just because they're always at each other. Just because the OP doesn't get along with her parents doesn't mean they can't be good to her daughter.

I was on the fence when I posted earlier, but reading the updates, I would be okay with my child going. I don't have a problem in theory with porn, so that alone wouldn't make me want to step away. I also grew up among a religious community that considers any looking at porn (one image, one magazine, one R-rated movie with a hot sex scene) to be a "sex addiction." That phrase itself doesn't indicate seriousness of the problem.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 
Key word here being "addiction."

Sure, but "addiction" is used too frequently imo. We say "shopping addiction," "internet addiction," etc., and those "addicts" aren't dangerous. While "sex addiction" sounds serious, its use isn't clinical and has such varied meanings (esp. w/i religious communities) that in itself that wouldn't bother me without more information. And I say this as a sex abuse survivor. I don't think putting our children at risk is something we should do, but I also would want more information rather than just shun everyone with "addict" attached.


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## Landover (Oct 12, 2007)

I have not read the replies.... just answering the OP....

No. You stated you do not know much about this situation and, without you knowing exactly what this disorder entails, then I would never even consider it. You child trusts YOU to make decisions for her.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I just have to say that even though your two year old daughter loves to spend time with them, it's up to you to keep her safe and away from bad influences and danger. I mean, my kid loved to do things that are not good for him. He doesn't know any better, but I would be doing him a disservice by allowing it just because he liked it so much.

In a previous post, I think you said your mom can be a jerk and a bad judge of character. I would definitely not want any child of mine spending the night with someone described as that!!! She may be too young to know it now, but eventually kids grow up and realize whats going on. Then she may come to you and have some questions..


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Sure, but "addiction" is used too frequently imo. We say "shopping addiction," "internet addiction," etc., and those "addicts" aren't dangerous. While "sex addiction" sounds serious, its use isn't clinical and has such varied meanings (esp. w/i religious communities) that in itself that wouldn't bother me without more information. And I say this as a sex abuse survivor. I don't think putting our children at risk is something we should do, but I also would want more information rather than just shun everyone with "addict" attached.

I see what you're saying, and agree to some extent, but people who say they're shopping addicts or internet addicts typically are joking, whereas the OP's stepdad apparently is in some type of treatment for his addiction -- to me that indicates that it's much more serious than the type of "addictions" you named.

Now, if his "treatment" is something along the lines of having a couple of meetings with his pastor to find ways to curb his urges so as not to upset his wife, then I wouldn't really consider that a huge red flag, but if it's some type of more intensive, ongoing therapy with a psychiatrist (or Dr. Drew







) or something, then something more serious than just occasionally viewing porn online may be going on.

Or, maybe their religious views are just causing them to classify any porn viewing as an "addiction," when most of us wouldn't categorize it that way, who knows. But again, until the OP has more information, since there's no compelling reason to leave the kid over there unsupervised, I just probably would have the visits be whole-family visits for a while. No one's _entitled_ to have alone time with anyone else's kid, you know? So even if there's only a minor or "silly" reason, I just don't see the harm in the parents sticking around. We totally love and trust our parents, but our visits with them still mostly include the whole family, and it's certainly not because we think anything fishy is going on.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

I haven't read the replies, just answering the OP.

No, at age 2 I wouldn't let my child stay overnight with anyone, period. And at any age, I would not let her stay in the house of someone whose sexual values did not align with ours (we are Christian).


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I guess I should have really elaborated. I don't know where to begin or what applies and what doesn't.
I don't really like my parents, we don't get along. They are not my favorite people to be around and I find hanging around when dd is there to be sorta like nails on a chalk board. I end up flipping through the same magazine a few times trying to find something on TV and then wanting to take dd home.

Yipes! Then it probably would be best not to leave your DD there alone period. It's been my experience that grandparents can be the worst behaved when they get "alone time" with a child. First off, they have the opportunity to do all sorts of things that you wouldn't agree with to your daughter (ex- "parenting" her in ways you wouldn't agree with). Second, they can find little things about your daughter to complain about to you (IOW, more ammo-real or not-to attack you about how you parent her).

Do you see them often? If so, could you take a break from them?

Another thought - could you maybe meet them outside their home on neutral grounds (ex- a mall, a restaurant, etc...)?


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## blondiechrissy (Nov 24, 2009)

sisteeesmama said:


> It's just that I don't know much about sexual addiction.
> My step-dad explained it as he was looking at porn on the computer and my mom found out and it has really caused a big rift in their relationship, they are "hyper-religious" what ever that does or means any more, I'm so jaded about it all.
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Sure, but "addiction" is used too frequently imo. We say "shopping addiction," "internet addiction," etc., and those "addicts" aren't dangerous. While "sex addiction" sounds serious, its use isn't clinical and has such varied meanings (esp. w/i religious communities) _*that in itself that wouldn't bother me without more information*_. And I say this as a sex abuse survivor. I don't think putting our children at risk is something we should do, but I also would want more information rather than just shun everyone with "addict" attached.

I agree that the word addiction is over used. However, I come at this from the exact opposite of this post, meaning it would definitely bother me UNTIL I had more information to the contrary. Parents are in charge of keeping their children safe. I just don't think we can have a "laid back" attitude about sex addiction and be doing a child any good.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I don't think that's fair. My mom and grandmother do not get along and haven't since my mother was a small child. I adore my grandmother, though. I stayed at her house all the time, and I wouldn't have gotten to if my mom felt she had to stay, too, just because they're always at each other. Just because the OP doesn't get along with her parents doesn't mean they can't be good to her daughter.

I was on the fence when I posted earlier, but reading the updates, I would be okay with my child going. I don't have a problem in theory with porn, so that alone wouldn't make me want to step away. I also grew up among a religious community that considers any looking at porn (one image, one magazine, one R-rated movie with a hot sex scene) to be a "sex addiction." That phrase itself doesn't indicate seriousness of the problem.

I don't think "fair" even comes into play when you're talking about making parenting choices. Fair is whatever keeps your child safe. OP has outlined a lot of reasons that her daughter shouldn't spend time alone with her grandma and none of them have to do simply with them not getting along. I'm not saying that a relationship with grandma isn't okay. It is fine. But, from what she has said about her mom, I think OP needs to be there to keep her daughter emotionally and physically safe.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Sure, but "addiction" is used too frequently imo. We say "shopping addiction," "internet addiction," etc., and those "addicts" aren't dangerous. While "sex addiction" sounds serious, its use isn't clinical and has such varied meanings (esp. w/i religious communities) that in itself that wouldn't bother me without more information. And I say this as a sex abuse survivor. I don't think putting our children at risk is something we should do, but I also would want more information rather than just shun everyone with "addict" attached.

I would say, "No, I would not." However, I would add this. I would not but only if we're talking about a real addiction. I've heard people who look at porn occasionally called sex addicts by people. I've heard people who cheated on a spouse at some point in their lives called sex addicts. So I would say no but I would try to get some more info because it's possible this word is being used unfairly.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

No, not if I didn't know the specifics. Same as if someone I knew was in treatment for a drug addiction, and I didn't know the details, my kids wouldnt be going over there either.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princesstutu* 
Yeah, if you don't like them, why would you consider having your child sleep over there? Your child is 2. You get to make these decisions. It doesn't matter if your child likes the adult in question or not; if you don't like the people, don't leave your kid at their house.

That's my take on it. Sex addiction doesn't even have to come into it. It reads like you're trying to find a "valid" excuse to say no to your kid.

You don't need any other reason. How you feel is a good enough reason. We don't ever have to validate not wanting to be around ppl who contribute negativity to our lives (emotional, material, whatever) and as parents, we don't have to find excuses to keep our children away from those ppl either. Honoring our true feelings is what keeps us from being as dysfunctional as the others around us.


Everything you said is true. I can't argue with it at all. I am trying to find excuses because I feel like I am the extreme-o wierd mom if I say no and I feel guilt. My mom already makes me question myself in these areas. It's hard for me to set down that ultimate line. That's why I so need to move away!


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 
Maybe it would help to focus instead on the guilt you would feel if your mom ended up acting like a jerk to your daughter. Your daughter may find herself very very disappointed one day, if her grandma, who she loves so much, ends up treating her in the manner that she has treated you which has left you feeling like you don't want to be around her. Literally, my mom is my son's favorite person in the world besides his parents, but I know better and I'm not going to foster a close relationship between the two because I know it is a big set up for hurt feelings and damaged self esteem later on. Its a lot harder to hurt a person when you're not super close to them. One day if my mom acts crazy towards my son, he will hopefully be able to blow it off as "my crazy grandma" and not as "my grandma who is so important to me and whose opinion of me and actions matter so much that I really feel hurt by what she has said/done."

You're a mom. Your number one priority is your child and you don't have to feel guilty about that for one second.


This is really accurate and helpful to me, so thank you! I need to be reminded of that. I actually have this fear of my dd growing up to be something other than the rigid ideas I'm sure my mom will form of what she should be and then seeing my mom push her away and alienate her like she has alienated me. That would be so bad and is another reason I want to just move far far away and never look back.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
The more information you supply, the more all signs point to no unsupervised visits. There's nothing wrong with just getting together as a family rather than dropping her off, even if it means you being a little bored for a few hours.

ETA: Could you bring a knitting project or your own book or something so you have something more interesting to do while you're there?


Good idea, I need to plan better


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 
But, from what she has said about her mom, I think OP needs to be there to keep her daughter emotionally and physically safe.


This is true too, but I always end up questioning my own self because my mom is such a strong personality, I always end up wondering where I go along to get along and when to speak up and whenever I do speak up it usually ends with my mom just telling me I'm wrong, or even better, telling ym daughter to. LOL, I re-reading all this and realiing there is WAY more going on here and this thread has really brought it out in a helpful way for me. My mom undermines me as a parent and often tells my dd to contradict me. What a mess. How do I get out of this?


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## Qbear'smama (Jul 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
This is what I'm concerned about. I just don't _know_. I mean, anything could happen and *honestly I don't 100% trust my mom ot tell me things or her judgement*, .

You said it all right here!!!! If you don't trust her toprotect your child or to tell you what is going on if something horrible did happen, YOUR CHILD SHOULD NOT BE THERE!!!! The stress of leaving her there and worrying is just not worth it. I also agree with others that a 2 year old really doesn't benefit from being away from home overnight and I wouldn't do it unless it was an emergency. How to get out of it? Make up excuses if your mother is a strong personality who will browbeat you if you try to explain your feelings. However you have to avoid it, the bottom line is protecting your child emotionally and physically.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

Nope. It wouldn't even be a question. If you have to take it to random people on the internet, you know the answer is no.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
Nope. It wouldn't even be a question. If you have to take it to random people on the internet, you know the answer is no.









ha! that should be my standard default answer


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

No. If you don't know the details, I don't think you should take a risk.

And it seems like there are more reasons than this.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

No. If I have any kind of doubt, I won't leave my child with a person. I think that if you don't trust your mom to tell you if something weird happened, that would also be a reason to not leave my child there alone.

We found out that a family friend has a sex addiction. I don't have a concrete reason why, but I wouldn't leave DS alone around him. It is just a feeling - it may be right or wrong, but it is enough for me to take that step to protect my son.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
This is true too, but I always end up questioning my own self because my mom is such a strong personality, I always end up wondering where I go along to get along and when to speak up and whenever I do speak up it usually ends with my mom just telling me I'm wrong, or even better, telling ym daughter to. LOL, I re-reading all this and realiing there is WAY more going on here and this thread has really brought it out in a helpful way for me. My mom undermines me as a parent and often tells my dd to contradict me. What a mess. How do I get out of this?

It sounds like your mom is pretty manipulative and controlling. I'm sad to hear you're questioning yourself because of her.







I know how that feels. Spending a lot less time with my mom has actually improved my self esteem a lot and made me a happier person. Your confidence and feelings about yourself can get clouded when you always have someone telling you that you're wrong or that nobody else feels that way, as you mentioned her saying. Would you consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions? I did this years ago, and although I didn't go to discuss my mom, we ended up talking quite a bit about her. I realized then that for my own well being, I needed to distance myself from her. Working with a therapist a little might help you learn to set some boundaries with her and determine what the boundaries would be. Setting boundaries is usually not a terribly complicated thing to discuss with a therapist, so you probably would benefit in just a few sessions. If that isn't an option, I'd check out some books on setting boundaries. It sounds like your mom is so controlling that you are more worried about her reaction than is healthy for you to be as a parent. I would just try to reframe everything in my own head as "I'm my daughter's mother first and foremost, and I have a responsibility to not let my own mother's feelings impair my judgement or decisions on what I think is best for my child."

You don't have to have an answer for everything for your mom. Sometimes you can just say "no" and "no, I'm sorry, I can't" and leave it at that. Yes, it will drive her crazy but part of being an adult is not letting your mom rule your life. I would also tell her firmly that contradicting you in front of your daughter and getting her to join in is totally unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it anymore. A letter might be a good option if you feel she won't "hear" you otherwise. Other ideas... space... less frequent visits, less frequent phone calls...whatever you feel is working for _you_ and in the best interest of you and your daughter.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 
It sounds like your mom is pretty manipulative and controlling. I'm sad to hear you're questioning yourself because of her.







I know how that feels. Spending a lot less time with my mom has actually improved my self esteem a lot and made me a happier person. Your confidence and feelings about yourself can get clouded when you always have someone telling you that you're wrong or that nobody else feels that way, as you mentioned her saying. Would you consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions? I did this years ago, and although I didn't go to discuss my mom, we ended up talking quite a bit about her. I realized then that for my own well being, I needed to distance myself from her. Working with a therapist a little might help you learn to set some boundaries with her and determine what the boundaries would be. Setting boundaries is usually not a terribly complicated thing to discuss with a therapist, so you probably would benefit in just a few sessions. If that isn't an option, I'd check out some books on setting boundaries. It sounds like your mom is so controlling that you are more worried about her reaction than is healthy for you to be as a parent. I would just try to reframe everything in my own head as "I'm my daughter's mother first and foremost, and I have a responsibility to not let my own mother's feelings impair my judgement or decisions on what I think is best for my child."

You don't have to have an answer for everything for your mom. Sometimes you can just say "no" and "no, I'm sorry, I can't" and leave it at that. Yes, it will drive her crazy but part of being an adult is not letting your mom rule your life. I would also tell her firmly that contradicting you in front of your daughter and getting her to join in is totally unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it anymore. A letter might be a good option if you feel she won't "hear" you otherwise. Other ideas... space... less frequent visits, less frequent phone calls...whatever you feel is working for _you_ and in the best interest of you and your daughter.


Thank you for all of your thoughtful advice, I will really take it to heart, for the most part this thread has been really eye-opening for me and your answers have had a lot to do with that.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Follow your gut and lay your guilt aside. We don't have the porn issue and we still don't leave ds at Grandma's house. Step FIL isn't the brightest bulb and he doesn't sit right with me.

Bring a good project over to your parents house and let your LO play with your family and family pets. Trust me, I know the painful family visit. Knitting helps.

Good Luck and remember to trust your gut!


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Closed pending moderator review.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Reopening.









Please remember that namecalling is against the User Agreement, as is posting to take issue with another member. If you feel someone has posting inappropriately, please report the post and let the moderators sort it out. Thanks!


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