# 22 month old hitting herself- HELP!!!



## bobica (May 31, 2004)

Hi mamas! I tend to lurk vs. post here but I'm "coming out" b/c i'm at at complete loss here. My 22 month old dd is having a grand old time testing all kinds of limits lately. I'm working very very hard on not yelling, choosing my battles etc. But, she's upped the ante lately. She will smack her face- often very 3 stooges like, but it's far from gentle, when she's annoyed at me, frustrated, told "no" etc.

Please, please help me deal with this GENTLY!!! It makes me so sad & frustrated to see her hit her little face like that. I've been saying "Oh, please be nice/gentle to Siobhan" but is that even appropriate? She knows what it means (she hit me in the face for a long time & I always say "nice/gentle to mommy" & she will then pet my face very gently). I'm just bumming about it & dh & i are both stumped!!!

Thanks soooo much!!!


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## bellee (Feb 26, 2003)

Hi Mama. My 33 mo hits herself sometimes when she's frustrated too. Or just plain ol' mad, at me, at the world etc... We do time out for this. I know some folks are against time outs, but I think if done gently (no yelling, even going into time out with them) they can be good. Hitting is the only thing my DD goes into time out for (it is simply not accepted in our home). And because she gets one warning each time, she's never actually been into time out for hitting herself. I just explain to her that we don't hit anybody/anything that's alive, not mama, not papa, not ourselves, not baby sis, not the cats, not the plants. These things all have feelings and it really hurts our feelings when people hit us. I say to her when she hits me, "I don't hit you, so please don't hit me". Doesn't really work for herself though. At 22 months, a traditional time out may be a little too much, but you could tell her that you and her are going to go have some quiet time on the couch together for 2 minutes (I would suggest setting a timer though). I'm sure that this is just a phase, but a frustrating one at that









Peace


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## mittendrin (Nov 5, 2003)

why time out or anything at all? i don't make a big deal out of it. if ds wants to hit himself, i ignore him. don't feed it. that usually takes care of it, he gets bored with it quickly.


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## jacksmama (Sep 19, 2003)

Yes, ds (19 mos.) has done this for several months. To tell you a very sad story...a month or so ago I was behaving annoyed with ds - it was a long day and I was tired of just dealing with everything. So I was talking to dh about ds in a negative way, nothing to too crazy - just the, "oh he whined all afternoon, He did this and that, etc.. I was holding ds and he was seated on my hip. In the middle of my crank session, Dh motioned for me to look at ds. Ds was listening to me and hitting himself in the head. Talk about a moment of clarity for me.







:






























Since then I've tried to tone down my emotions from leaking on him. To help him see that hitting himself is not a game, I say something affirming to him. I might even hold his hand and re-direct him, but then I move on and let him be. Of course, if he continued I would address his discomfort - but for the most part moving on to other things after addressing that I wish he wouldn't hit himself, seemed to lessen the behavior. He still does it now and again - and he still occassionally bangs his head when he's really angry or frustrated.


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## mamamillie (Jul 22, 2003)

I certainly wouldn't punish for this! I would not like it, and would probably say something like "OH, please don't hurt my baby!" but she must not be hurting herself or she wouldn't do it. If asking her not to didn't work, I would just ignore it.


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

One of my worst memories as a mother is this:
I had just arrived at my mom's for a 6-week visit. It was a pretty stressful time. There was an ice storm the day after I arrived, and it messed up my plans pretty badly. Three days later I convinced my mom to take out her new car and try to drive me somewhere. I drove. But my mom was very stressed out about her new car. She lives in a spot where the driveway is about 50 yards from the top of a hill -- or 200 yards down the hill. I chose to go up. And I got stuck. My mom and I started to yell at each other, and my poor little girl sat in the back striking herself in the legs. I'll never forget that sight.

No advice. Just undestanding.


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

My reply may be OTT for the OP.







:

I'd rather my kids hit me than themselves. If children are aware that they cannot/must not hit mum or dad, but hit themselves instead, it indicates to me that they have nowhere to go, that they are taking the load when we should be.

Two things we must look at. Prevention and cure.

In a case where this behavior has already begun, there is little we can do for prevention, except make real effort to *be there* and help them through the frustrations. I still find (in my everyday life) that I see alot more "no"s than is really justified in family life among people that I know. Unless children are pissing in the power sockets or slicing off their fingers, a house should be a place where children can do pretty much everything without interuption.

Look carefully at:

1) your house-hold style. Is it child safe? Is it "your child" safe? Let them free.

2) your parent-child interaction style. Are more ridgid than is really needed?

Cure.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mittendrin*
why time out or anything at all? i don't make a big deal out of it. if ds wants to hit himself, i ignore him. don't feed it.

But has it gone away?

I agree about not making a deal about it. But some children when left, simply go on using this as a way to express frustration, not to "get attention".

I'd deal with it if it is done out of frustration rather than attention seeking. Get really physically close and focus on the issue.

Hope this helps.

a

As an aside:

This may not be applicable to you, but here is (an exreme case) example. (skip down if it's too long)

As small children, our kids were able to explore the world. They made a mess, sure, but we were there to clean up. DD1 was about 4, her little friend, 5. We were all in a resturant with friend's mum. DD1 started blowing bubbles into her milk with a straw. Of course, some bubbles reached the top of the glass, and cascaded down the side. She and I were discussing how fun bubbles were, the fact that she had lost some milk, how big she could make the bubbles, "I'll wipe this bit", "let's make less splash", "include some suck" etc...

So, friend did the same. In a flash, she had stopped. Arrested by a gentle but quiet word from her mum (our friend, btw). How this event went on is not important, but how the children turned out over the next 4 years is. The little 5 y/o was and is, as quiet as a mouse, impecably behaved, immaculately tidy (it's anal!) and completely risk averse.

She is cowed.

Though for the last 4 years, she did not hit herself, instead, she "takes it". Whatever others are dishing out, whethter they be teachers or other children. She allows herself to be persuaded, cajouled and intimitated into doing things that she does not wish to by .

Allow might be the wrong word. She is not equipped with any social tool to prevent it. Without the home environment to allow children to test and try their thoughts on the outside world, it all turn inwards.

a


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

thanks for all the great advice mamas!!! the empathy & commiseration means so much to me!







when looking at our lives lately, we have been stuck in the house a lot & have been trading being sick back & forth, so this all adds to the general frustration of the house.

Sandra, i'm sooo sorry you had such a sad "light bulb" moment.







But, as long as it's helped you to become more aware, it's got a good end.

I have been progressively working towards a more gentle approach with dd so she could be sensing my changes too. She's a lot like me which can make for some interesting chemistry







I was raised in a very very rigid way & as much as i love my parents today, there are definitely emotional barriers present. I want a much more truly loving, safe environment for dd.

Millie, you're right, she's not hurting herself. she definitely uses more force with me























for the quick & truly wonderful responses mamas!!!


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