# Honoring our babies



## SweetTeach

I thought it would be nice if we could use this thread to list our babies names and anything else we wanted to about our angels such as birthdates, deathdates, favorite memories of our short times with them, hopes and dreams we had for them, etc.

This thread would be for anyone who's had a loss of any kind at any stage.

I'll wait to post mine to see if others are interested or think this is a good idea.


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## starfairy

First Loss at approx 12 weeks - Sept 2001. Found out we lost him on Labor day - delivered approx 10 days later. Named Micah.

Loss November 2001 (Thanksgiving Eve)

Loss February 2002

Loss June 2002 (got preg for Mother's Day...)

Loss July 2002

Loss August 2002

Loss just after Christmas 2003

Loss July 3rd 2003. Baby died 2 weeks prior. We had planned to name him Koa Makaio, but named him Hawika Kalani (Beloved heavenly one in Hawaiian - Kalani is dh's middle name & he chose his name). We had made a lot of plans, we felt we had a better chance of this pregnancy going all the way as I didnt find out i was preg til I was 8 weeks! Our youngest was to be 16 months or so when he was due & he was due for Thanksgiving, so we were thinking ahead to the holidays. canceled the trip to sweden we had planned.....were planning to move dd to a crib,considering weaning. Dh has a high school reunion to attend this summer, were considering how we would handle that (was dreaming about taking my 2 youngest babes to the beach on Maui as we have such great memories with our other children there...).It had taken me a bit to get used to the idea, but i was getting really excited. Was always hungry, but lost 10 pounds. By the time I had him I was still wearing my usual clothes, but had 2 new stretchmarks. Had a lot of cramping & spotting, but the 2 days before he died he kicked so strong & so often I figured all was well.(We know now that he kicked so strong because he was in distress) dh felt him kick for the first time (and only) the night before he died. Dh saw the monitor the day he died & knew he had died. He said he was just curled up with his arms across his chest, still... he says he often rembers that sight....
I delivered him myself & had to be transported, almost died of hemorrage....he had IUGR, was deformed ( no toes, only fingers on one hand,ears not fully formed) & had an open head. Instantly saw that tiny little penis! I will never forget that LOL When I saw his face I thought he looked just like my ds - and later that night dh told me that he looked just like our ds to him too







Ds had wanted a brother for so long & was devastated that his brother had died. We had all been hoping for a boy....

very early loss November 2003


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## shannon0218

I like this idea for a thread...

My first loss was at 6.5 weeks, had only known for sure I was pregnant for a week-never thought it could happen to me. Had a natural m/c 3 days after finding out the baby was not viable (what a clinical term for something so loved) Started to bleed while we had our entire family over for Thanksgiving dinner, I don't remember the last half of the evening, dh took me to hospital around midnight, arrived with a bearly registerable blood pressure and in more pain than I had ever imagined. I may never stop seeing myself looking at the demerol dripping into me, then to the doctor trying so hard not to hurt me while examining me and then to my dh trying so hard to be strong for me with tears streaming down his face. I just knew somehow this was a girl.
Was pregnant again next cycle but began to bleed only 3 days after testing positive. Somehow this one was not so hard on me.
Most recent loss, on Feb 11 of this year. We made it past the first m/c, saw a healthy heartbeat on U/S--it's all supposed to be alright now! We started to tell people, afterall, good U/S and we were at 10 weeks. Went in for a second U/S and the tech would not show me the screen. I just knew something was wrong--in retrospect I remember laying on the table praying that all was well, I am not a religous person, but I remember praying before I should have even suspected anything wrong. The doctor called me at home that night to tell me there was no longer a heartbeat. She booked another U/S for the next morning for my piece of mind and I went for a d&c the next afternoon--I simply could not bring myself to go through that horrible wait and pain again, and dh was terrified of loosing me.
After our first loss, only a week or so later our young german shepherd was hit by a car and killed instantly on our road. I so strongly believe she had to leave us to protect our baby. Our road may see 6 cars a day, this pup never went on the road especially when I was out which I was, she was killed instantly but didn't have a single mark on her. The strangest thing is that when we found out we were pregnant, I was very worried about this particular dog around children, I didn't trust her and warned dh that she may have to be rehomed. Her name was Tunza, which is the swahilli word for protector. In my heart I believe she is with all three of our angels, protecting them, that was her purpose.
Thankyou for the opportunity to share my story.


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## iris0110

I really like this thread thank you Sweet Teach.

Arawyn Lorraine Shires was Born still on December 21st 2003 at 22 weeks gestation. She was our second child and our first baby girl. She weighed in at 1lb 3 ozs and was 11inches long. I can't help but be proud that she was such a good size for her gestational age almost three ounces over the average and about an inch longer. I know it seems silly but I was so distraught over losing her, that I just clung to the fact that she was doing well and my body was obviously doing a good job supporting her before the infection moved in. She died of chorioamnionitis, and I delivered her about three hours after I was told that she had died. The OB estimated her time of death at less than 24 hours prior to delivery. Her website is http://members.fortunecity.com/iris0110 if anyone hasn't been there and wants to see her or read her full story. I am in the process of planning an adition to the page dealing with Chorioamnionitis, basically just what it is, and some of the symptoms and maybe some informative links. I am hoping to get the word out about this illness because it affects so many women, yet most drs and pregnancy books never even mention it.

Mommy and Daddy love you very much, and miss you everyday. Your big brother wishes you were here to play with him.

Arawyn Lorraine Shires we will always remember you.


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## Ms. Mom

We've actually been talking about doing this - thank you for starting it. I'll sticky it now.

Amanda Leigh, born still December 14, 1993 at 38 weeks - 5 lbs. 18 inches long. Still loved and never forgotten.

5 little butterflies 1991, 2 in 1992, 1994 and twin to dd in 1995


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## Katana

September 1993 (6 weeks)

January 1998 (6 weeks)

October 2003 (8 weeks)

I will never get to call your names across a crowded playground, but you are always loved, always missed, and always remembered.


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## taradt

Keena Mbili - December 31st 2003 (18 weeks)
she had died between 13 - 16 weeks, was born at home surronded by our love.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hreadid=106412 Keena's birth story

always in our hearts

tara


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## SweetTeach

Nazir Akemi, my first born son.
Born still on December 2, 2003 @ 8:20 pm, 37 weeks.
We are so happy to have had you my love and the world will always know that you existed.
You made me a better person, and as your parents, your dad and I have become better partners to each other. You touched so many people's lives in such a short time.
We will cherish you forever.


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## faerymama

Thank you for creating this memory page.

Our angel, born peacefully at home at 13 wks 5 days, Jan 24 2004. She will forever be missed.

proud mama to 2 wonderful boys and one beautiful angel
partner to an incredible man and daddy


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## whitecrew4

My first loss was June 1993 at 8 weeks. I was in University and single, didn't want to pregnant at first, but the little one grew on me.

My second loss was January 1999, at 8weeks, my honeymoon baby.

After 2 healthy children my third loss has been the hardest.
Dec 4, 2003 was the day I delivered Martha. I should have been 20 weeks pregnant but she had died a bit earlier.
At Thanksgiving I KNEW something was wrong, started spotting amd then went into labor. Holding her will be one the most bittersweet memories I have. Dh held her in the palm of his hand with tears running down his face.
Nancy


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## mama2m&m

I lost my little angel on December 7, 2003, my closest estimate. I was supposed to be 9w when I went for an u/s on 12/10 only to discover the baby stopped growing at 8w4d. He was conceived on October 23, 2003 and was due to be born on July 15, 2004. My womb feel so empty right now when it should be full of growing life. I miss you sweetie, even though I never got to hold or know you.


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## doulamomvicki

baby October 1995 at 21 wks (Francis)








baby April 1996 At 19 wks








baby July 1997 at 14 weeks








baby June 2003 at 10 weeks

My arms never held you but my heart does.


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## Mamid

Taren Sean - Feb 11, 1991. 19 weeks
Dani - September 1991
Surprise Angel - November 2003

I've had many others throughout the years Those are the only ones I remember or that affected me as anything more than a *****! Not again!

Taren nearly killed me. I lost soo much blood.
Dani - that's when I was told the first time that I wouldn't be able to carry to term... I had two possibles in my last year in high school. Then there were at least 10 if not more between Taren and my daughter, and about 5-10 between her and my son. And the Surprise I had in November. That scared the hell out of me because I hadn't even been charting. Lo and behold, 23 days after the loss, I conceive again. I am currently at the half way point of the pregnancy.

If I think and try to remember every single little blip that could have been, I get depressed and upset. So I try to forget. It makes it easier for me, but its not something I'd recommend to anyone else to do. Each baby that is a wanted baby is too important to just forget. Each should be mourned.

But if I mention the 20 or so miscarriages I've had, I get labeled "high risk" and I don't want that. After all, how could I have been pregnant if the hpt was a definate +?


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## jkklmn

Griffin born 2-20-97, died 2-21-97. He was full-term, but died due to a prolapsed cord. He will never be forgotten. He lives in his family's heart & in the life of his little sister Keegan. We are expecting our 3rd in Sept. 2004.


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## happymommy

My sweet baby, Mika Eryn, died at about 10 weeks gestation and was miscarried at 11 weeks, on April 27, 2000. I can't wait to meet him/her in heaven someday.
Thanks so much for this special thread.


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## babycarrier

Thanks for opening this space. My little angel's little heart stopped around 8 1/2 wks. I found out last Monday going on 12 weeks. I miscarried 4/19/04 and ended up in the hospital with blood pressure barely on the charts.
We stood our ground and brought our precious one home and had a burial in a special family place. It is still so new. It hurts so deep. I'm so happy I had the weeks I did with my baby inside me.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt

I think that your idea is a great one!
I believe that having a place that is honored for our little ones is very important.
Thank you!


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## dani76

Thank you for creating this thread, it is exactly what I needed tonight. My DH and I went off B/C in June 03 and found out we were pregnant on 08/31/03. I started bleeding the next day and my ob/gyn told me that he thought I was going to miscarry. I wanted so badly for him to tell me that it's normal for some woman to spot. He ordered bloodwork and my levels were increasing, but not fast enough. On 09/08/04, he wanted to schedule a D&C. We were getting married 6 days later.
I told the dr. that I wanted to let nature take its course. Part of me hoped that this baby would thrive from all of the love inside of me. But I spotted for a total of 5 wks. and finally the Dr. ordered the ultrasound I'd asked for. The tech found an ectopic preg. in my right tube. An hour later I was in emergency surgery to have the pregnancy and my tube removed. It all happened so fast, you'd think that with all of that time that I would be prepared. But how do you prepare to let go of something you love so much??

We had the name Grace Elizabeth picked out. We miss her very much and hope that she finds her way back to us one day.


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## Devaskyla

My first loss was on October 8/03. I only count from when the bleeding starts because I don't see a doctor until at least 8 weeks, if at all. I was just over 5 weeks pregnant, I tested for the first time a few days before, then I couldn't resist testing again, we weren't trying and I really thought that it was too far from ovulation for me to be pregnant. The second test was fainter than the first. I took a third the next day which was even fainter, the day after that I started bleeding massively. I'm certain that I lost at least 2 babies and believe they were girls, but I'll never know. We named them Robin and Riley.

A couple of weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again. I started bleeding a bit of dark blood on Monday and I knew that I had lost another one. This one made it 4 days longer than the last one. I'm still bleeding and I'm very sad. We weren't trying again, but we had planned to start trying in April, so it was only a month earlier than planned. We don't really have a name for this baby yet. Part of me thinks there were at least 2 again, but this time I'll never know for sure.

I'm starting to feel as though the c-section, which I now know was unnecessary, I had for my son has made me unable to have another child. Still trying to think positive, though. Not sure what I'll do if I lose another.


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## HRC121799

We decided to start trying for a second child in the Fall of 2001. I got pregnant in December. Was due September 11th, 2002. We were so joyful, and told everyone right away. In early February, dh was in a car accident, hit by a man who ran a red light. He had memory loss, and didn't remember I was pregnant (but it was great fun to keep re-telling him, and see the shock and happiness on his face over and over every 5 minutes! That kind of severity of his memory loss only lasted a few days). A few weeks later, in the 11th week, my dr couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler. Ultrasound confirmed the baby had died in the 8th week. I began spotting, and labored and birthed the baby at home the next day. Because of dh's accident, he was still home, and was home for the next month with ds & I...that helped me so much to have him with me, but it was so much to happen in such a short time...I made a 3 page website dedicated to our baby, that was my therapy..
1.5 cycles later, we tried again, figuring it would never happen again. We had early ultrasounds, there was a fear that maybe it was ectopic, then maybe my dates were off? (I'd been charting, I knew exactly when I got pg.). In the 9th week, ultrasound revealed the baby had only developed to 4 weeks. I showed no signs of miscarrying. I told my dr I wasn't ready for a d&c, I didn't want that. The next morning I called the office telling them I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted a d&c. They couldn't get me in until the evening. I went to sleep and when I woke up the baby was gone. It was emotionally horrifying, but physically less scary than the natural miscarriage. We lost that baby in the middle of June. I know that both of the babies we lost were little boys. Friends of ours had a star named after our first Angel, the certificate hangs framed in our hallway. We have books, a blanket embroidered, a pillow, angel pins of their birthstones, and a few other things, I keep them in my nightstand drawer. Sorry this was long.....


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## shannon0218

Never apoligize Heather.


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## ggma

In honor of my LittleFish... Little and Fish, my beautiful twin boys, were born August 28th, 2002 at 22 weeks gestation. They brought me a joyful peace as they moved inside of my body and it is this profound, deep, loving place that I connect with inside myself when I am longing for their presence in this life. Sitting in the sun by their memory garden - all purple and white - is the perfect place for me to simply "be" with them... and I hold them inside, always.


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## Maple Leaf

My Little Bean died last week and we miscarried him this week end. He was about 8 weeks when he died. It hurts too much to say more...

Thank you for this thread.


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## ksjhwkr

I hope you all don't mind me posting here...I didn't lose my baby during pregnancy, but when she was 8 months old. But, you all are Mommas that understand the empty arms that I feel so often. So...

In honor of Emma Joyce. Emma is my sweet angel. She died very suddenly on August 23, 2003. I miss her every minute of everyday. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss nursing her, I miss playing with her, I miss washing her diapers, I miss everything.

Emma, Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. Mommy knows that you are watching over our family and your new brother or sister. I know I will see you again someday, until then, keep us safe sweetie. Mommy loves you the mostest Emma Bemma!


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## Devaskyla

Hi, Kim (haven't seen you around ICAN lately).

I just wanted to say sorry again for your loss of Emma. How are you doing?


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## ksjhwkr

Hi Lisa-Marie. I am doing ok. Getting ready for the birth of this babe. ICAN is just too high volume for me, I can't ever keep up







. But, I am surviving. How are you doing?


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## lisabc311

In honor of my three babies in heaven....Mommy loves you!


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## lisabc311

I forgot to say....








's to all of you and your angels.


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## hollyhobbie

i changed my signature today to add my baby angel. i miscarried at 8 weeks or so. i believe this baby was a boy so i am naming him lennox masaru. masaru is his dad's middle name. seems to fit. i feel as if i have been through a complete cycle now. the joy of childbirth. the sorrow of the loss of a pregnancy. i feel blessed to have good people around me as i struggle through the ups and downs. hugs to all the other moms and angels honoured here.


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## mama2m&m

sweetie. if i could wish for one thing in the world, it would be no more m/c. i felt my baby was a boy as well. take care of yourself and take time to grieve.


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## mummamilk

My first loss was Feb 1990. We were both surprised to learn I was pregnant. I was told in 1987 I would be sterile. This baby was ectopic, but not tubal. I had never heard of such a thing. The baby continued to grow for a couple of weeks. I have never felt anything as awful as having a baby die inside me. I dreamed she was a girl. I miscarried on Easter 1996, May 30 1998, October 2000. I have not been able to maintain a pregnancy since my DD birth in 1999. I stopped counting in 2000.


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## CookieMonsterMommy

Holly....







I just added mine to the sig too... quite sobering, isn't it?
I've also been eyeing this thread...took some guts and a lotta sadness to finally post here, but I really feel like she deserves to be remembered.

I also feel strongly about the sex-that she is a girl, tho I cannot explain the name rationally (if you wanna read more, I have a thread "My itty bitty baby bean..." on the preg. loss thread)

Elisabeth Grace, died (i believe) 6/4/04, MCed 6/6/04 at 6wks. She was unplanned but not unwanted.







I do feel guilty, although I know I shoudn't, that it's most likely not my fault, etc etc etc. But can you really help it? Especially this early on...








to all of you wonderful mamas.

Best Wishes, Kelly


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## ckc

I am so glad to have found this site. my son, Oscar Hank Kitchens, was born March 15, 2004 and died during labor. he was 42 weeks, 9+ pounds and had anencephaly. I had an amazing home birth that turned into more chaos than i could ever explain. i really feel the need to tell this story, is that okay to do here? i was right up to the deadline of having to go to the hospital to be induced, 42 weeks and 3 days. when i went into labor, all seemed well and good. lots of laboring then i birthed his head, only to have my midwife then tell us he had anencephaly, a fatal birth defect, and was dead. i was unable to birth the rest of his body, he was really wedged behind my pelvis. she worked and worked to get him out, then the paramedics arrived and they tried, it was frantic and sad and i was in tremendous pain. i was eventually transported to the hospital and after 3 hours! of pulling, a huge and deep episiotomy and prep for a c-section, oscar came out. i have never had such a broken heart. i am grateful to have the most loving and sensitive mid-wife and partner i could ever hope for. pregnancy and birth scare the crap out of me now. i was the text book perfect prego girl, organic food, lots of yoga and swimming, good health, blood pressure and weight gain, and then this tragedy. its hard to feel like i have any power over anything. thank you for listening.


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## Devaskyla

s I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Morwenna

Hi everyone. I have read this thread over the last couple of days and I am so, so sorry for each of you and your families. I am surprised to see how common it is to lose a baby past 12 weeks.

I lost my little boy on July 2nd at 17 weeks. He was small for age and my midwife thinks that he was growing more slowly because of an inadequate placenta but that he died not long before my miscarriage.

I had him at home and we buried him in my midwife's garden. We named him Taliesin which is an ancient welsh name meaning "radiant brow". He was wrapped in a silk scarf that I had dyed, and we put in a little bouquet of flowering things from our yard. It is really hard losing him but I feel so much better thinking of him there, rather than not knowing where he is.

Even though I still feel (and will feel, I am sure for quite a long time) so very sad and traumatized by the whole thing, I know that I want another baby. I think there is a little girl waiting out there somewhere for me, just as I felt that this baby would be a boy.

Is anyone mourning a recent loss, but planning another pregnancy? I know there is a forum for pregnancy after loss and I think I will check it out. I always gain a lot of weight in the first months and I want to lose that first and get really healthy. I was so sick with m/s for most of the time I carried my baby.


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## julielp

June 25th 2004 my perfect lil angel Riley Carter came too soon at 21 weeks due to incompetent cervix. I'll always remember every little kick and wiggle. Love you.


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## hollyhobbie

i'm sorry for your loss. take care of yourself and take time to grieve.


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## julielp

Thank you I appriciate all the love from everyone sometimes ya just want ppl to feel sorry for u.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt

Julie, so glad that you are here. I am sorry for your loss of Riley Carter...your sweet baby boy.

Much love to you Riley Carter's mama.


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## Hether81

Hi Im new to this forum. I lost my sweet baby last week. We were going in for our 20 week ultrasound appointment very excited because we were told we may be able to determine it's sex today. But they didn't find a heartbeat. I had shown no signs of a miscarriage. No cramping no spotting, nothing. I had been having low platelets during my pregnancy but didn't think it would affect my pregnancy until it came time to deliver. A few days before the ultrasound they did a bone marrow biopsy and while Im waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me there is no heartbeatI got a phone call saying my bone marrow wasnt making enough cells. I was sent to a hospital out of state given blood transfusions and platelet transfusions to get me healthy enough to do the Dilation and Extraction surgery. Without the transfusions they were afraid I would hemmorage and possibly lose my uterus. All of this is going on and physically still I feel fine , I have always been so healthy, I just dont understand. I just turned 23 this month. Losing this baby has been extrememly difficult but what is even more difficult is the fact that the doctors say they may never be able to tell me what went wrong exactly or that it may happen again. Everyone is so worried about getting me healthy. And all I want to know is what went wrong with our baby. I get blood drawn at least twice a week now and they have asked me to mention possible bone marrow transfusions to my siblings as they would be the preferred donors. I apologise for rambling on. Thanks for letting me post. The only comfort I have is my personal faith... believing that our baby is in heaven surropunded by love and the promise that one day I will meet him/ her (I feel it was a boy) Thanks again and God bless you all.


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## SweetTeach

Julie and Hether, I'm so sorry for your losses.

Julie- what can we call it other than "incompetent cervix"? That, IMO, is just a horrible term.


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## Autumn Breeze

I am in tears over everyones losses, including my own.

I have lost two angels, one in November of 99, it was quick and painful, but I had only known for a very short time that I was pregnant. I did not morn, or feel that I had really lost anything. Even as awful as that sounds.

I gave birth to our sweet son, who will be 3 in September, he is our joy, our Spirit baby who came back to us.

I am currently waiting on a natural m/c. I am 9 wks 4 days today. On July 21st I had an ultrasound that showed a sac, and blood work. That days hCG numbers were 8,232. July 23rd, blood work, numbers 8,769. I wasn't told if it was good or bad, but just that when they get that high sometimes they don't increase a lot. July 26, another u/s, this time we think we SEE a heart beating, but we don't hear anything. I am told to come back on Monday 8-2 for another ultrasound. On 8-1 I begin spotting, go to the ER, no active bleeding, and they refuse to check for FHT's or do an ultrasound. So I go in on Monday to see my midwife, this time, we see the sac, we see something inside it, but no more heart flickering away, and no movement. Our baby has died. "She" also hasn't grown past the 5 wk mark. I am made aware of my options, and I opt to have another hCG run, and wait it out. If I feel the need for the D and C I will call them. My hCG levels were in the 3,000 range yesterday. We are grieving, but it is my grandmothers 80th birthday, and I love her so much. My son is also keeping me going, otherwise I'd be a mess.

Thank you for starting this thread. My Angels thank you.


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## Gale Force

We lost our little one on August 2 at 9 weeks gestation. Baby will help nourish a large black walnut tree that we will plant in commemoration this fall. The tree will be planted on the west side of our house and, over the years, will become a dominant part of our view of the Sierra foothills and California coastal range.


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## *Amy*

We lost our baby this week (11 weeks) after a trip to the ER on 8/1 precipitated by brown spotting. I really thought they'd tell us it was due to my pap smear last week and that we were fine. They did 3 ultrasounds and found a gestational sac of about 7 weeks, but no baby. I went back on Monday for a confirmation ultrasound, and they told us the news that the pregnancy had been abnormal from the beginning. I was given the option of scheduling a D&C or waiting it out for a few days. Honestly, I was so scared of having a D&C because of the possible damage to my uterus, so I tried to come to peace with this loss and tell my body to let it go. The following day, I began spotting and I am now in the process of miscarrying naturally.

Emotionally it seems to just be sinking in today, and I am mourning not only the loss of this baby that was so very wanted and loved, but of the pregnancy itself, which I enjoyed and cherished. I feel robbed of my status as "mom" - it really hurts.

This was our first attempt at pregnancy, and hopefully our last experience with miscarriage. I have to say, though, changing my signature to include an angel was such a painful thing to do. I leave it there because it's part of who I am now, it's part of my story, but it still makes me sad to see it.

Amanda, I was very touched by what you said...

Quote:

he is our joy, our Spirit baby who came back to us.
One of the most comforting things I was told by a friend is that the spirit of this baby may be waiting to come to us again. I would really like to believe that is true.


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## Autumn Breeze

Amy, when you do have your baby, you will have your Spirit Baby too.

Our baby was born at home 8-4-04 hopefully we will have a name for him/her soon. We are looking up some unisex names, since we weren't sure and didn't have the d and c to tell us.


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## BinahYeteirah

bs"d

I miscarried my little one (I feel that the baby was a boy, but I will never know for sure) on July 20, 2004 at 8w5d.

I am sad knowing what might have been. I am sad that I must leave you in the mountains of this foreign country that I am now leaving...


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## ChildoftheMoon

Galadriel Marie, born peacefully at home on 7-19-04.
I last heard her beating heart on 7-15-04, she passed away in utero, we confirmed her passing at the hospital and went home to deliver her as we would have under normal circumstances. It was a beautiful, but emotionally difficult birth. She was 40 weeks, three days gestation. She is my beautiful light and angel, she is truly a gift.
Thank you for giving me a place to share.
Brandi


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## tyandtorismom

Thank you for this thread. I've found it at such a difficult time.

Valentines Day 2003, I lost twins at 8 weeks. I was sure they were both girls and named one Tatianna Jeney (Jeney is my maiden name), I never had a chance to name her sister before they were gone.

When got pg last May, we found out it was twins again! Sadly, at 11 weeks we lost one twin, but went on to carry the other to 37 weeks- my Tori!

I would love ot have more babies, but dh is scared- I'm still no where close to healing and he's afraid another loss would push me over the edge.

Even with my 2 beautiful babes, I still moarn and feel empty- I grieve for Tori, knowing she's supposed to have a twin and instead is alone. I wonder if she feels the loss? No matter what anyone else says, I still feel that I'm a mother to 5- with 2 surviving.


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## Slackermom

Mamas, my heart is breaking for all of your losses! But I'm also in awe of your strength and spirit in getting through such horrible pain. There is no pain like losing a child.

We lost our first on September 13, 2002. I'd gone for an early ultrasound on September 5th, when I was 8w2d. Early ultrasounds aren't the norm here, but my doctor had booked one to put my mind at ease. My sister had a missed miscarriage with her first pregnancy, and I'd recently had a friend experience the same thing. Ever since I took the pregnancy test, I felt a sense of foreboding.

Back in February 2002, a group of friends and I were watching the Olympic gold medal hockey game, and I declared to the room that if Canada won the gold medal, I would name our first child "Bobsled" (that was the first thing that came into my mind!). Canada won, of course, and it became a running joke with my friends and family that our firstborn would be called Bobsled. So, when we found out in August 2002 that we were pregnant, we immediately nicknamed the baby Bobsled!

We had the most horrible ultrasound technician - very abrupt, would only refer to the baby as "the tissue". We were so excited to see our little sweetie's image flicker up on the screen. But I immediately felt something was wrong. The tech wouldn't say anything. She had me empty my bladder so that she could do a vaginal u/s. She argued with me that my dates must be wrong, as I only appeared to be 6w3d. I'd been charting and have extremely regular cycles, and know my body well. I knew I was exactly 8w2d. She said, "Oh yeah, everyone thinks they know their bodies, but this technology doesn't lie". I couldn't believe this woman wanted to argue about this at that particular moment.

She went and got the resident radiologist, who was equally horrid. He told us that it looked like the "tissue was not viable". At no time would they refer to it as our baby. He said there was no heartbeat, but that I might be wrong about my dates. He said they wanted me to go home and wait. I would either miscarry, or if I didn't I could come back the following week and see if there was any change. They offered no comfort, no acknowledgment of how awful this was for us.

That week was the worst I've ever had. DH and I went home and just laid on the bed and cried. I took some days off work (I couldn't function), and spent long hours sitting in what was to have been the baby's room, rocking in the chair, stroking my still-flat belly and pleading with the baby to be alright. By the end of the week, I had begun to make peace. I stopped pleading with Bobsled, and told him that if he had left, we would miss him terribly and love him always, and that he would always be our first child. He'd always have a special place in our hearts.

The worst, for me, was that I'd had no sign that I'd miscarried. No spotting, no cramping. I still felt queasy, tired, and pregnant. I felt like such a bad mother for not realizing that something was wrong. I sobbed and sobbed that I'd never been able to say goodbye; that Bobsled had slipped away and I'd been oblivious. That bothers me still.

We went for the second ultrasound on Friday the 13th, and it confirmed that Bobsled had died. A much nicer radiologist talked with us about our options, and our doctor left her office to come talk with us too. In the end, we opted for a D&C. I felt like I was signing Bobsled's death warrant when I signed the papers for the surgery. I'd asked them to perform every test possible to make sure there was no chance Bobsled was somehow still alive.

We had the surgery that day. DH and I waited in a little private room overlooking the hospital's parking lot. I could see people leaving with new babies and balloons. I was so desperately sad. DH was being strong for me, and I was being strong for him. We both knew if we started to cry, we wouldn't be able to stop.

The procedure was over very quickly, and I was home later that afternoon. I felt so empty and alone. A couple of weeks later, we planted a plum tree in our yard in Bobsled's memory. We recently moved, but Bobsled came with us. The first thing we did was replant the tree in a special spot. It's something living that I can tend to and fuss over, as I never got to do for Bobsled.

We were blessed to get pregnant again quite quickly, in February 2003. Our DD was born 15 November 2003. Bobsled is still very close to me, though. At times since DD has arrived, I've felt that Bobsled is nearby, watching and playing with us. I'm still working through my sadness about the m/c, and no matter how many times I get pregnant in the future, I'll never lose the feeling of dread and panic when faced with an u/s. I still have a lot of guilt for not being able to "save" Bobsled somehow, and I think sometimes it makes me very over-protective of DD.

Thank you for giving us a place to share our stories.

Peace to you all.


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## ggma

Dearest Jellyfish: I just want to extend a big hug to you and thank you for sharing. Blessings to Bobsled. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the lack of compassion that you received at the hospital. I had wonderful hospital care, but am still shocked at what I've heard come out of people's mouths. You wrote a few words about feeling guilt about not being able to save your baby - and I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful momma. You held him and grew him inside with love... and imo this is what momma's do best.

I'm also moved to tell my story at this point. I posted earlier in remembrance of my babes - but would like to share my story after reading the openness of so many other momma's.

On August 27th, 2002, at 22 weeks, I started feeling some cramping pains around 9pm and wondered out loud to dh if they were Braxton Hicks. They were uncomfortable and I stayed up when dh went to bed thinking that I'd wait for them to calm down. Finally went to bed -where they got worse. I got up and went to the bathroom and noticed that I was bleeding. Got out the books and it didn't make any sense so I called my cnm and she told me to meet her at the birthing center. I woke up dh and off we went. I could feel the contractions getting closer together as we drove and I was really worried inside but trying not to freak dh out - or myself - hoping that it was all a false alarm. When we got to the center it was about midnight. My m/w was surprised at how big my belly had grown and thought that either the baby might actually be big enough to be "viable" when born or that I might be carrying twins. There had been no signs in pregnancy pointing to twins (except for a weird feeling I had that urged me to ask at the last checkup...). She did a check and I was fully dilated. It was time to push. It was so unbelievable and horrific to hear those words. The change from happy and pregnant to - not - was so fast and stunning. We called a friend who came in to help us both and she and our m/w stayed with us through the whole birth. The baby was still alive at this point. There was a heartbeat. How to push this wee one out? I didn't feel any compulsion to push and in my head/heart I didn't want to. I went inside and talked to my LittleFish (my first nickname for the baby as this is what it felt like to me when they moved around inside). I extended love and reached for that amazing sense of peace and joy that connected us throughout the pregnancy and I wrapped it around and around and around my babes. I let them know that this wasn't my choice but that this is where we were and it was time for us all to let go with grace. I then proceeded to listen to my friend and my cnm as to how to go about pushing. We hadn't attended any birthing classes yet. I did not take any drugs because I wanted to be present with my baby. I pushed for over five hours. My first baby boy was side breech and birthed to spirit. My m/w did a check and then proceeded to tell me that I had twins. My second baby boy was birthed to spirit about 15 minutes later. The birthing center was wonderful to us. They took pictures of the babies for us and we have their birth certificates with footprints. They wrapped them in these tiny little blankets and brought them in for us to hold when we were ready. I started having horrible cramping pain and was shaking uncontrollably while trying to release the placenta. I ended up having a d+c. I thought it might be time for me to follow my babies. But I woke up the next day, dh right next to me, and we named the babies Little and Fish. Each of them fit into the palm of my hand. Little ears and eyebrows and fingernails. Perfect. Beautiful. Cherished.

We held a Celebration of Spirit for our LittleFish at the Kalamazoo Nature Center. I wrote the words for the memorial and various friends did the readings. Dh and I had a huge bonfire together and talked through the experience which helped both of us clear a great deal of fear and grief. We also created a memory garden for them. I couldn't do much of it due to my body needing to rest and recover - which just plain sucked imo - but I journaled and soul-searched and found clarity and hope.

It is now 2004 and I have a baby boy who is about to turn one year old next month... (Jellyfish - our timing is similar!) I'm amazed at his beauty and the intensity of this love that beats in me. I'm amazed at the resilience of women - at the collective strength and wisdom that we hold. I'm amazed at the support I found in my grief and at my ability to continue moving at all... and I pray that each of you find support and a love that holds you tight. Peace, Peace, Peace.

Gina Greene


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## triste

I lost my baby on saturday 10/9/04 at 7 weeks 3 days. And i am hurting very bad, i never thought this would happen to me







. I am feeling really depressed right now.

I am sorry for all you ladies who have also lost an angel, take care.


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## CookieMonsterMommy

Hugs to you triste...

Know that you are among sisters










Best Wishes, Kelly


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## ggma

Peace and love to you. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and hope that you find support to hold you, listen to you, and help you.


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## 6Muffins

Noah Cannan Passed Away on the 11th October 2003
You can read about him here..Its still so hard I miss my baby
http://www.geocities.com/noahcanaan/NoahsNursrey.html


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## cherubess

When we found out that I was pregnant, we nicknamed our baby Lima Bean. Lima Bean was our first baby and was due 31 May 2005.

Sadly I miscarried Lima Bean at exactly 6 weeks on 6th October 2004.


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## Ceinwen

Peyton Michele - October 2001.

Born at 22 weeks, passed away due to complications from trisomy 18 and anencephaly.

Mummy loves you soooo much.


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## FillingMyQuiver

Wow, I'm sitting here reading this thread and my heart is breaking for every mama that has shared her story. I wish the pain of losing a child was something that noone would ever have to experience. Our story...
In April 2003, I discovered, completely by accident, that I was pregnant. I was thinking of taking a supplement and DH jokingly suggested I make sure I wasn't pregnant. We were not anticipating a positive, but I took a hpt anyway. Two lines appeared! I called an OB I was refered to and made an appointment. They don't start seeing woment 'til they are 10 weeks along, so I didn't see the dr. right away. At my first appointment, the OB tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler, but couldn't. He said that was normal since it was still early. I was gaining weight well and even began showing a little baby tummy. DH and I were so excited. We told my parents and my in-laws and everyone began making plans. My due date was Nov. 12, 2003.
I was scheduled for an u/s at 12 weeks. DH and I waited with such excitement to see our baby growing inside me. But as soon as the tech started moving the wand around my belly, I just knew something was wrong. I held onto DH's hand as I felt the tears begin welling up. The tech asked me (very gently) if I could have miscalculated my dates. I asked her how far off I would have to be and she said by a few weeks. I knew I wasn't wrong about the dates. The tech said she was going to have to do a vaginal u/s just to make sure she wasn't missing anything. It was uncomfortable and I tried so hard to fight back the tears and sobs I could feel building up inside of me. Dh had tears in his eyes too, we were squeezing each other's hands.
We saw the sac on the screen, but there was nothing else. The tech said it looked like the baby didn't develop past 6 weeks. The OB came into the room when we were done and gave me my options. We decided to wait and see if I would m/c naturally over the next 48 hrs, but if I didn't, there was a fear of infection, since my body had already held onto the passed baby for 6 weeks without any warnings.
DH and I went to my MIL where I was surrounded with love and comfort, then went home. I laid in bed and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. I wanted the pregnancy so bad, with every bone in my body. DH held me and we grieved together.
I didn't m/c naturally, so I scheduled a D&E. When we got to the surgery center, my paperwork read "failure to abort". I hated those words. It wasn't an aborted pregnancy, we wanted it so badly it ached. I laid on the table and fell asleep under the aenesthesia. When I woke up, I was empty feeling, I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. After I recovered and was discharged, DH took me home where we mourned more. I was told not to ttc for 3 months, to let my body heal.
My body didn't want to wait the 3 months, and just under 2 months after the loss of our first baby, DS was conceived. Again, it was a surprise, and each visit to the OB was filled with anxiety and worry. But it ended in bliss. We had our little boy in April 2004.
I will never forget my first child. My failth is strong and I know that my angel is waiting for me in heaven, surrounded by my brothers and sisters that my mom had lost over the years. My heart aches at this time of year as I approach my would have been due date, but I know that I will see my baby again, and that when I do, I will hold my angel and whisper, "Mama has always loved you."


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## haututu_ma

On October 9th 1996 I gave birth to a beautiful daughter at 20weeks.I named her Destiny Waimarama. I had never heard the word anencephaly before my girl but that one word change my life, as I knew it. There are few words that can really express the moments her & I shared together but one of her many gifts to me was her teaching on love. She has been one of my greatest blessings even when my heart hurts. Life is not always easy to understand but try to remember that when you are grieving you don't always have to be alone. Reach out when you need to keep the faith. Be well in all your choices and always remember you are loved.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to share.Be Well


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## Denise K

Sara, 11-15/04, ten weeks.


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## ladylee

Our child left my body at 11 weeks on December 19, 2004. If the baby were a boy his name would have been Ian Alexander, and we had chosen Sabine as a girl's first name. We would have been so happy to welcome them into our family with love, and are heartbroken that we won't get to meet and share our lives together on the physical plane. When the baby left my body it felt like a real birth in many ways-although the physical form wasn't alive, the spirit was born and released into the world to find its next manifestation. My four year old daughter and I did a blessing ceremony and we will plant a fruit tree in the garden so we can remember. I made a memory box for the baby-and filled it with the list of names we were considering, my hospital bracelet, drawings my daughter had made of the baby, etc. The brief time this presence was in our lives has had a big impact. After facing this, we've grown closer as a family and will always feel the influence this being has over us-and for that I'm grateful.


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## Arduinna

Ladylee I'm so sorry to hear of your loss ((HUGS)) You and your family are in my thoughts.


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## my2girlsmama

What a nice idea. Took me awhile to get over here.

We lost our second babe very early...I was only 4-5 weeks along...very much planned just as our first daughter who is now 5 was. She was easy conception and easy pregnancy, hard delivery but wonderful.
Babe #2 was again easy conception after a week of trying during O time (charting and all) and had pregnancy symptoms soon after...they sadly got extremely painful one day into it before I'd taken a proper home pregnancy test....I wa sin pain body wise, aches etc..........but figured just my body reacting. Well, too a pg test and it was faint line....we were early so that was normal to see..........but the symptoms suddenly gone wthing a few days. Nothing. Went to doc for blood test, no baby. Days after that I got my period very very fast, painful as heck and blood like I never imagined. All one morning which for me was beyond unusual. Suffice to say we lost that babe. That was in Nov 2002..we named him (we assume boy due to charting, temps, O and all that conception stuff) *Boo* because of Halloween conception...we lost him Nov 11.
We soon started for #3 but endured over 9 months of unexplained infertility...until we finally conceived Angelina near the date of Boo's would-be birthdate, and she is a dream!
I must say mothering after a loss is so much different. I fear so much, I parent so carefully with so much intensity and fear...........I worry alot more.


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## AngelBee

Thank you for sharing your stories and pictures of your beautiful babies. My heart and prayers are with you all.


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## ssrmeeky

Great thread!!!

Joshua Jr - December 2, 2004 Born and Died the same day. Died 37 minutes later. Our first precious gift of life.
We love you always and forever. Always in our hearts!

Thank you for the thread it was a good Ideal.
Meeky


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## 3babiesin2years

My baby Jacob Nathaniel was born after a very difficult pregnancy on 2/17/03 at 34 weeks and lived for about six hours. He died 2/18/03 from complications due to Prune Belly Syndrome. He weighed 5lbs and 10oz and was 17inches long.

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jacobnathanielb/


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## KittyKat

Liam Osias Andrews was born on January 1, 2005.

He was born at 41 weeks. I had been seeing a midwife, and took very good care of myself, eating right, exercising, getting plenty of rest. My 4 older children were very excited about our "Christmas baby" due 12/26. Especially my oldest, who had prayed before I was even PG that "God would give you another baby in your tummy." And who said "I don't care if this baby is a boy or a girl, I just can't wait to get to hold the baby!"

Labor went great, even right up until my body started pushing. Then my water broke and his foot came out. He had turned to footling breech sometime after 12/30, because we know he was head down then. His arms were over his head and he got stuck. I was rushed to the emergency room by ambulance. I experienced the most horrific pain I had ever endured, but they got him out. He was not breathing and had no heartbeat. they got his heart going and life-flighted him to the best children's hospital, but he had been without oxygen too long and his brain was too badly damaged to sustain breathing on his own. We decided to take him off the respirator when it became clear he had no chance of improving. We knew it was what had to be done, but it still felt a little like we were killing him. Looking at his perfect, beautiful body I felt like "He was so perfect, and I broke him." I know that's not true, but that's the kind of thing that pops into your mind.

We dressed him in a soft sleeper and cloth diaper I had made for him, wrapped him in a blanket made by my mom, and held him for a few precious moments. The nurses were very kind. They cried too when the doctor came in to check his heartbeat and made the official pronouncement. They took pictures and footprints and made us a special "memory box" with the socks he had worn, and his little ID bracelet, and a bit of his hair.

Today is 30 days since Liam died. It is almost harder today than just a week ago. Things have a way of going in waves. It's confusing. Anyways, I don't know how much I'll be on here, but thanks for listening.


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## Saramomofmany

First I want to say how sorry I am for all of your losses. Reading your posts brought back memories of my own little ones, gone from my womb, but not gone from my heart.

I had my first m/c May 2002 We named him Jon. I got pregnant a little over a year later, and in June 2003 I had another m/c. We named her Serenity Joy.


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## my2girlsmama

I just re read this thread again. You all are so in my thoughts and prayers. It is so wonderful yet incredibly sad and heart wrentching to be a part of such an amazing strong group. My heart aches for you all just as it does for my baby Boo lost nearly 3 years ago.

It occurred to me a few nights ago, while nursing my baby Angelina, quietly in her room in the dark, rocking on the rocker..........that my Boo would be 19 months old had he lived. It still amazes me, saddens me, breaks my heart and leaves me feeling empty...........and what comes across to me in everyone's threads for those who lost a baby early like me, how we just _know_ the gender. Truly to me that is telling of the spiritual connection we all have to our babies.

God Bless.







:


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## ishtarmaia

My third baby, Ronan Diego was born still on January 21st, 2005. He was full term and 12 days past his due date. I know he was alive right up until he began his descent through the birth canal, because when the umbilical cord started choking him, he kicked me really hard. He was such a big baby (8 lbs. 12oz.) compared to my other 2 7lb. babies and his head was absolutely huge! I thought I would never be able to push it out. He was crowning for almost 20 minutes and when I was finally able to get him out, he came out limp and purple and would not get his breath. We tried everything, but he was already gone. Another 25-30 minutes later they resucitated him at the hospital (he was born @ home), but his spirit was already gone. He had been deprived of oxygen for at least 45 minutes by then. He had no brain activity and although they had his heart working and had him breathing through the ventilator, he just wasn't there. I was grateful to get to hold him while he was still warm and soft since I didn't get to see him until about 10 hours after the birth due to my own complications and him being transferred to the children's hospital while I was in the other hospital. It was not a hard decision to take him off the life support. I just wanted that beautiful, perfect little body to be at peace. Enough with all the tubes and needles, etc. I got to hold him to my bare skin after they took out all the tubes and needles. I undressed him and cradled him in my arms. In a few minutes he stopped breathing that fake little hiccup breath the ventilator had taught his lungs and he laid peacefully near my heart, finally at rest.
I just want to say to all the other mommas out there that have endured this kind of loss, we are so special!!! How honored we are that these babies chose us to come through, to teach us lessons about love, compassion and strength. We have all survived and we have become stronger and wiser through our experiences. I find myself feeling so grateful for the time I spent with my baby and the lessons his departure has brought to me that I can almost smile sometimes, even through my tears.
I remember the last few weeks of my pregnancy when everyone kept saying, "He just doesn't want to come out of there, does he?" Now I know that he never intended to come out. His life was a life in the womb, being held closely in the warm, cozy darkness. I know he knew us all; he heard our voices and felt our love every day of his life.
We all miss him and love him. His presence has changed us all forever and made us look at ourselves and our relationships in a different way; helped us to appreciate how beautiful and fragile life really is.
What a blessing it is to give birth to an angel!








Ronan Diego Mulvaney-Delgado 1/21/05 7:20am


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## my2girlsmama

Jen








:














to you hon. I am crying reading your post. How precious your son. God Bless.


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## carrieglen

Is it March already? March is a weird month here. We celebrated my daughters 11th birthday on the 3rd. Four days later on the 7th it would have been my son Eric's 12th birthday. The 9th was the 12 year anniversary of his death because of heart defects. It's been so long, but I still get sad around this time.
My thoughts are with everyone who has gone through this.


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## lovelittleb

November 21, 2004








March 6, 2005

Always loved and living in our hearts.


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## SagMom

Today was my due date.

Two weeks ago was my son's birthday, next week is my other son's birthday. March was a good month for us.

We lost this baby at about 10 weeks. There was no reason to believe there was any problem...no history...no risk factors...no symptoms of trouble. We were thrilled that I was pregnant as we'd been trying for 2 1/2 years. I was 41 at the time, and so very much wanted just one more baby. My kids were so excited.

We named her "Emma" and I saw her in a dream during the m/c. She's buried in the garden amoung the flowers.


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## ~*~MamaJava~*~

Our first baby is dancing with Jesus...miscarried at seven weeks, August '02.


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## ScarletRubies

Our first precious child... left us December 1, 2002 - 6 weeks.

Joey, so wanted, so desperately wanted... left us December 12, 2004 - 8 weeks.

_we'll keep on going, and we're loving your sister (born November 7, 2003), but not a day passes that we don't remember and wish you'd been able to stay. Love always, Mum & Dad_


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## wheezie

My sweet little boy was born November 25 2003. We had no idea anything was wrong with him until he was 2 days old. He was diagnosed with HLHS and aortic stenosis. (We were later told HLHS is probably the worst diagnosis your child can have







Basically his whole left side of his heart did not function). What a shock that was! So, when Ryan was exactly one week old he had his first heart cath, had another at 2 weeks old, and finally heart surgery at exactly 3 weeks old. He died about 12 hours after heart surgery in the early morning early hours of December 16 2003. I'll never in my life forget the knock on the door. We had just gone to a "quiet room" at the hospital to try to sleep, and I had literally just taken my shoes off, when they knocked and said they were doing CPR on him. They worked on him for an hour before they finally called it off.














I have *many* complaints with his ped cardiologist, but I will never ever forget how his surgeon sat in the waiting room and cried with us. Even the surgeon thought he would make it. I'll never forget the ride home to get Emmie, wondering how in the world I was going to tell her Ryan was gone.

So this is in memory of my precious son Ryan.







11/25/03-12/16/03 I miss my little boy.


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## Ell-Bell

Yesterday, 5/1 our first, 5 weeks.


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## liseux

I have read all of these tributes and even though I have lost a child too I don`t know what to say except I am so sorry.

Tomorrow would be my son Alistair`s 3rd birthday. Its absolutely heartbreaking that he`s not here. In some ways its easier this year than ever before in my new life as a bereaved mom, yet this year it seems like none of my friends remember, oh well. I don`t feel the urge to tell every single new friend I meet about him anymore, yet I feel his presence more & more.

Alistair suffered a severe birth injury due to shoulder dystocia during a hb, planned waterbirth. He was without oxygen for 24 minutes and everything was done properly by everyone. He had a heartbeat and was resuscitated at the hospital, where he then surprised everyone and breathed on his own. Unfortunately, he had a diagnosis called hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy and he stayed in a coma. We tried hard to keep him comfortable and give him a chance. I would take him in any condition. He got worse and worse and we just held him, free of technology, and he died in our arms.

Thanks for reading this, its been 3 long years and we miss him so much. Alistair has a new brother now who is almost 2 and a 5 year old brother who tells everyone he has 2 brothers, one here that "fell to earth" and "one who died and lives in heaven."


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## starbaby69

We lost our daughter Bella on 3/4/05. We lost her at 41 weeks due to a heart defect we had no idea she had. We went to the hospital for our scheduled induction only to find that her heart had stopped beating. I'm still getting used to this rollercoaster mainly because she was our first child, and I don't know what it is like to mother a child even though I am a mother. My brain tricks me by making it seem like none of this ever happened, because my non pregnant life has resumed. But then all it takes is the sight of an infant, or the nursery upstairs in our home to make it awful again. I miss you terribly Bella, and I pray that your little soul is at peace


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## KittyKat

starbaby, gentle hugs to you. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish so much no other mother had to know this pain, of losing a deeply loved, desperately wanted baby. No words can make it better, nothing can take the hurt away, but I know it can help to talk with others who are grieving their babies. It can make you feel less alone to hear others going through the same thoughts and heartaches. I hope we can be here for you, and listen to you, and just support you when you need someone to talk to.


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## AngelBee

to all you mamas


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## starbaby69

Thank you Kittykat


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## KEMommy

Gone............Kale Blair............SIDS............December 6, 2004

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/k/kaleblair/


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## mamajama

KEMommy, thank you for allowing the honor of seeing pictures of your beautiful, happy baby boy, Kale Blair. Just looking at his smile made my heart glad. What an angel.
I said a little prayer for him tonight.


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## amygrrl

avery elizabeth
stillborn on 6/3/05 at 26 weeks and 4 days due to cord accident
she had dark hair, her daddy's perfect mouth and square shoulders and her mommy's eyes and big feet.
we miss our little girl.


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## ~*~MamaJava~*~

amygrrrl,


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## ChildoftheMoon

amygrrl, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, please be welcome to grieve and share with us. Blessings to you and your family.
Love, Brandi


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## gabry

I am so sorry for all your losses, I cried all the way through this thread.
On 6/3 at first ob visit (9w) we learned development had stopped at about 7 weeks, when I called to clarify more on Monday learned they were twins. Lost them at home with dh by my side Tuesday evening, June 7th.


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## kelly81

I lost my first child on November 19, 2003. Cause of death was meconium asparation, E. Coli, puemonia, and hospital nelgect.

Her website is in my signature.

It's been almost 2 years, there's not a day that goes by, that I don't think about her. I miss her so much, she was and always will be my Sweet Pea.


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## gabry

Kelly, just wanted to let you know I looked at Alyssa's website, and she is beautiful. It is almost impossible to believe she was so sick, and I am so sorry for your loss. Good work on "A Mother's Grief"!


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## kelly81

Gabry,

Thanks for checking out the sites.

Her being so sick, so fast is what makes the grief even worse. We went to the hospital thinking we were bringing home a baby. Her nursery was all ready. But things took a turn for the worse. Even after she was born, the staff told us she was okay...after the intial weighing and etc, we had about 30 minutes with her. Still thinking everything was perfect. She then started having problems breathing and got worse. The hospital plays a major role in her death, if it weren't for them, we truly belive she'd still be here.









Kelly


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## wheezie

Oh Kelly-Alyssa is so beautiful! I am so, so sorry. Reading her story literally brought tears to my eyes. And to feel like the hospital contributed to her death-well that's an awful feeling. (we feel like the hospital is partly to blame for Ryan's death as well







).

(((HUGS))) to you mama.


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## kelly81

Reva,

Our angel babies are so close in age, just a few days apart. I am so sorry.

Plus, I have a Matthew as well!

Big (((HUGS))) to you as well!

Kelly


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## lovelittleb

Twin A at 12 weeks







June 1, 2005


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## Twisti

Weve lost two babies very early in 97 & 01 and our Precious Andrew Stratton who went to Heaven June 22 2004 and was delivered an Angel July 2 2004....


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## starparticle

Luna Renata was born & died on 06/30/04 at 38 weeks.

The pregnancy was basically fine, although I had severe depression starting almost from conception. At the time I thought it was hormonal, but I'm pregnant again and no sign of the depression. Her conception was magical - we decided to try to get pregnant, and I did, that day. It was a perfectly new moon that night, very dark and mysterious outside.

We opted out of all testing, including US. I was only 24, no family history, and in general I just don't believe in most of the tests. I feel like they betray the natural process and trust in my body and my baby's body to take care of everything. This is something I don't regret one bit.

At 35 weeks I suddenly measured very large - 42 weeks (almost 7 weeks larger than I should have been). This literally happened over the course of 4-6 days. You should see the stretch marks!

Since this was sort of alarming, we had an US - and they said that our baby shouldn't be born at home. That's all the info that they gave us. I demanded a copy of the report and after going home and doing some research I was convinced it was some sort of dwarfism. All my growth was from polyhydramnios, I had gallons and gallons of fluid! I was so huge...After a week or so the dr's also confirmed dwarfism, but they couldn't tell the type or extent. We scheduled a CS since we knew her spine was unstable and couldn't handle the birth.

Before my scheduled date, my water broke on the night of the full moon (like a tidal wave - I was laying in bed and it managed to get in my hair!!) and she was born via C/S two hours later. Luckily, I really labored during those couple of hours and got to 8-9cm, something I'm very thankful to have. She deserved some real labor!

She lived for about 25-35 minutes, and my DH and I got to hold her as she passed. We asked for no intervention, it was very clear she would not make it. That morning we gave her a bath, took family photos, and tried to stay somewhat calm. The nurses & doctors were very helpful, and let us have our privacy. She was cremated 2 days later (after the autopsy).

It took 5 months to get official word, and her condition was a rare, lethal form of a skeletal dysplasia that affected just her spine and rib cage. She couldn't breath - everything else was perfectly built, black curly hair, blue eyes, long limbs, just perfect. She smelled like bee pollen.

Thanks for letting me share on this special day (her first birthday!). I've included a photo of her and I shortly after she passed.

http://www.starparticle.com/luna/rachel_luna.jpg

<3 everyone!


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## ChildoftheMoon

starparticle-thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. Happy birthday to your wee angel. I wish you all the best with this next pregnancy.
Love, Brandi


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## kclj1436

I want to write our story but I cant bring myself to yey.
7/8/05 miscarried at 9 weeks to what I believe would have been a baby boy whom I planned to name Joshua Skott
My heart goes out to all of you!
We tried for 10 months and our son prayed for baby Josh


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## jasperab

I never thought in a million years I would be posting here. We just lost our surprise baby today at 11 wks. I had an u/s yesterday and it showed the little bean passed at 8wks and at that time my m/s started going away. I was so happy to be feeling so good but something at the back of my mind said there was something wrong. I feel so guilty because when I was really starting to enjoy feeling pregnet, the little bean was gone. I hope the little anglel knows how much we loved it. My heart goes out to all of you.
Marianne


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## naturallia

I posted about my angels in the other thread.









I"m so sorry that all of you had a loss, and I hate to say it, but I understand.


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## NB Mom

Micheal. Oct '95. 31wks


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## SweetTeach

My condolences to all the mamas who've lost their babies and thank you for telling us about them.


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## *bejeweled*

Loss today








Our ultrasound showed only a gestational sac at 7 weeks.
Your presence brought us so much joy and hope. I am so grateful for this short journey along with you.
I am faithful.


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## Ben's Mommy

My first baby - Benjamin Taylor - 7/05/05 - 7/07/05

I had a very healthy pregnancy and was due 6/25/05. My precious baby was born via c-sec on 7/05/05 and had hemmorging due to the suction and doctor neglect during labor and he eventually died due to PPHN. His profile was exactly like his daddy's, but looking at his beautiful face straight on it was just like me as a baby. Benjamin was held by his daddy after his birth and held by his mommy while he passed away. I will never forget the time I got to spend with my precious baby, he will be loved forever and never forgotten.

I would like to thank all the mamas who prayed for our little Benjamin and our family. Thank you.


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## Ihope

Eden Simone was born on December 16, 2002 and died 3 hours later.I remember her sweet baby smell and I am glad that she got to breastfeed before she went to heaven. I remember when she was first born she looked so happy, she did not cry and her little fist kept looking like it was waving at everyone. I kept thinking about how her life would be, growing up with mommy and daddy. I kept thinking about how fun it would be to watch her grow, but then she was taken to heaven. I got to hold her at the funeral, the hardest thing I ever had to do but now I am so glad I did.


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## Huntersmom02

We have a very healthy 3 1/2 year old son whose pregnancy was completely without complication which is why we were thrown for a complete loop with our second pregnancy. The pregnancy went alont uneventfully until one day I just knew something was wrong. I went in to see my doc and was told I have an incompetent cervix, was 3cms dilated and had bulging membranes. I was admitted to the hospital and ended up delivering David Joseph 4 days later at 19 weeks 3 days gestation. He lived about 3 minutes after birth and then passed away peacefully with his mommy and daddy. We are heartbroken but I know that our angel is with us.


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## butterfly_mom

This was my second pregnancy, the first was healthy with zero complications...and so was this.......I love you Bailee....

Bailee Elise
Born Still 27 August 2005, 39 wks 6 days, at 11:21pm
She was 8lbs 7.1 oz and 20 1/4 in

We love you Bailee Elise!!!!!


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## AllyRae

I just wanted to add my little angel...

Ryland Josef William

Born September 7, 2005, 3:09 AM at 41w0d, and he was with us only a few minutes

7 lbs 10 oz, 20.5" long, and a head of thick black hair just like I had when I was born.

His face is an exact replica of my son Brandon's face. He is just a perfect, beautiful, sweet little angel who is missed so terribly and loved so deeply...


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## mimi_n_tre

Jase Orion







born still 4 days 9 hours and 10 minutes ago. He was my precious little baby boy born 1 pound 1 oz and was 11 inches long. I will never forget the time you were with me, and am still hoping to feel a kick even though you are gone.
Mommy loves you.


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## LadyMarmalade

Another miscarriage for me. I've had 5 confirmed 'early' miscarriages now. I can't seem to carry past 8 weeks.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama

Reagan Claire~born still on 8/29/05 @ 36w6d due to placental abruption. She weighed 6 lbs., 7 oz. and was 20" long w/a beautiful head of dark, curly hair. She looked just like Ross. Her storkbite was in the same place as Ross's and was in the shape of a heart.

Mommy, Daddy, and Ross miss you so much. You are always close to my heart, precious little girl. You were absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. Your great grandpa will take good care of you until we are reunited one day.

Mommy loves you.


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## MereOnceMoore

This was my second pregnancy. We were so excited. But at 12 weeks we lost our heart beat. Seems dh and I can't get our beat back either.

August (9/14/05)









We love you sweet baby.


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## Patti Ann

10/02/04 miscarriage 5 1/2 weeks

Griffin Patrick~born still September 24th, 2005 at 7:47pm. 35 4/7 weeks. True knot in his cord. He weighed 6lbs 9.8 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. So beautiful and perfect. Looked just like the others did. We miss you so much our sweet little angel.

Patti


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## cherubess

A year today I miscarried my little LimaBean.

A year ago the day was such an awful day filled with pain and sadness.

My sadness has lessened, but I have not forgotten my LimaBean.


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## theboysmama

This was our 3rd pregnancy we were very excited for this precious baby. Then we could not find a heart beat.m/c at 12 1/2 wks fetus was 7 wks. We named our baby Sam (boy or girl) and buried Sam in our backyard under the cherry tree where our older children's placentas are buried.
This happened 4 wks ago and I know that we will always keep our precious Sam close to our hearts


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## dziejen

Carrie Louise was stillborn on 10/13/05. At a routine appt there was difficulty finding her heartbeat and we went to the hospital for monitoring and u/s. About an hour later I was having an emergency c-section but she never did breathe or have a heartbeat after birth. She was so beautiful -- 5lbs8oz, lots of hair and looking like her sisters. She is so missed.


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## Em'sMummy

My beautiful first born was

'Emily Jade' Born Still on Tuesday 26th July 2005 at 38 weeks gestation.









Her autopsy showed Obstetric cholestasis as the cause. I had the symptoms of cholestasis in the last 4 - 5 weeks of my pregnancy (itchy palms and soles of my feet - if you want to know more about cholestasis chekout itchymoms.com). My Ob was testing for this through blood tests but they weren't showing anything. I had my last appointment at the Ob on Monday 25th July where her heartbeat and everything was perfect as normal. He said he was going to induce me on Thursday 28th July. I felt the baby engage at 3am on the Monday night (the Ob said that was her last little attempt to get out). My water broke at 3pm on Tuesday. There was meconium in my water and the midwife could not find a heartbeat. The Ob came in with the portable ultra sound and said I am so sorry there is no heartbeat. The baby has died. I had a natural birth with no pain killers.

Emily was born at 7:30pm weighing 7 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 52cm long. She had beautiful black hair like her daddy. I miss her more than anything and long to hold her in my arms. We love you Emily and know that you are our precious guardian angel.









Emily Jade Born Still 26/07/05 38 weeks gestation


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## BubbiesMami

I lost my baby girl last yr. She was born at 24 weeks weighing in at 1lb 4oz. She fought very hard and stayed with us for 8 weeks. We lost her to NEC. I created a website while going through the NICU journey and it's in my sig line if anyone wants to check it out. I also made a memorial for her which is here









I am so sorry for everyone's losses


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## littleteapot

Jericho Aari, born November 1st at 10:46pm. 6 weeks early, and only 3lbs 7oz. Lived for 15 minutes, and died in his father's arms.
He had black hair and black eyes just like he always did in my dreams.

His birth story is here:
Part 1
Part 2

Part 3/Epilogue


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## jukebox

Twin boys lost at 3 months, 9-10-05. Was going to be Braeden Leroy or Nataleigh Jane, then we lost them, found out there were twins, and I couldn't think about naming them until just recently. I decided on Miles Blue and Kevin Joshua, Joshua is for my favorite Bible verse, Joshua 1:9 which is to the effect of, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, for I am the Lord your God, and I am with you always." Kevin was the fiancee's idea, I love the name Miles, and Blue.

My fiancee used to kiss my abdomen. In public. I acted embarrassed but I loved it.

We had big relationship issues right after I found out I was pregnant (unrelated) and my best friend volunteered to more or less be a surrogate parent and help me raise the baby (babies, but we didn't know that yet). She was so sweet.

I was in the car with my mother and said that I felt sick. Sarcastically, she said, "What, are you pregnant?" and I said, "Actually, yes." God, the look on her face.

I loved the morning sickness. I loved the fatigue. I loved the cravings. I wanted the pregnancy so much. I drank milk, every day. I hate milk.

I was just starting to show. I was looking through What To Expect When You're Expecting today and found out that I'd have a protuding bellybutton now. When I was a kid, I always thought that those were interesting. I cried. In public.

I want to get a tattoo to honor my sons, but I don't know what it'll be.


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## zion

We just lost our little girl thanksgiving morning. Trisomy 1. Sadie Elizabeth. 20 weeks.


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## ladylee

I miscarried at 13 weeks a year ago on December 18. Was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant again in July, but sadly I had another miscarriage mid August.


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## MamaJennsMunkies

I have just recently had my first two losses...

Nov 13th '05 I lost our first Angel baby( Blighted ovum/Missed MC at 9-10 weeks....)...

Jan 10th '06 we lost our second Angel baby(MC at 7 weeks...baby was fine...we got pregnant to soon after the other MC)

Mom to 3 blessings on earth..
Bri (11) EJ( 4 yrs) and Grace (21 mos)


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## Nkenga

I just lost my son, Jon-Sebastian, on December 21, 2005. He was full term, very healthy as far as anyone could tell, but the placenta detached completely from the uterus shortly after my water broke - by the time we got to the hospital, he had already died. I had a completely healthy pregnancy, so this was absolutely unexpected. According to my doctor and midwife, it was one of those 1-2% chance things - but to me, it was 100%.

Nikki
Jon- Sebastian 12/21/05


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## MamaJennsMunkies

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nkenga*
I just lost my son, Jon-Sebastian, on December 21, 2005. He was full term, very healthy as far as anyone could tell, but the placenta detach completely from the uterus shortly after my water broke - by the time we got to the hospital, he had already died. I had a completely healthy pregnancy, so this was absolutely unexpected. According to my doctor and midwife, it was one of those 1-2% chance things - but to me, it was 100%.

Nikki
Jon- Sebastian 12/21/05

HUGE hugs Nikki...you are in my thoughts and prayers mama


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## chaupi

I see that there are so many of us, yet honestly I feel very alone. My son Eamon was born May 16, 2005, and he never took a breath. We don't know what happened; I was healthy, my pregnancy, calm and uneventful. The midwives lost his heartbeat in the last 10 minutes of labor and were unable to resucitate him after he was born. I know that no one who loses a child ever gets "an answer" about why, but it's just so hard to come to grips with. He was such a lively baby-he moved so much (especially when I listened to old Ray Charles tunes)-and we were so looking forward to meeting him. And he was beautiful, with a full head of inch-long chocolate brown hair, my fingers and my husband's toes. I still think of him all the time, even though he's been gone longer than we knew he was with us.

What happened was so unexpected and remains utterly inexplicable. Our only clue was a bruise on one section of the umbilical cord.

I'm pregnant again now (13 wks), and though it's what my husband and I want, it's exacerbating the grief we feel over losing Eamon. I was so happy, confident, and carefree when I was pregnant with him. Now I can't bring myself to even talk about this pregnancy with anyone but my husband. I dread having to tell people we know because I know when they congratulate me it will just upset me. I guess I'm just terrified, and I'm having a very difficult time being positive. I feel like I may lose this baby at any moment.


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## PrinceE&LsMom

Loss 12/97 (9.5 weeks)

Loss 9/05 (5 weeks 2 days)

Loss 2/06 (12 weeks 2 days)


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## Plady

Thank you for this thread.
My second daughter, Wendy, was stillborn on February 2 2006. The whole pregnancy was normal and healthy and labor was just as we had expected, very fast and intense, just like with my first daughter. During the labor with each I couldn't stay still long enough for the midwife to get a heartbeat but since that had happened the first time too we didn't worry about it this time. And she was born within ten minutes of the first attempt to get her heart tones. But she just wasn't there. I am so sad. I am so sorry that I ever complained even once about getting kicked in an awkward way or that I ever looked forward to no longer being pregnant. I think about how relatively casual I was about this pregnancy and I want to slit my wrists. My first pregnancy was high risk and this was just so not at all. It's so sad. I want to rewind time and do it over differently, better or at least just to appreciate every moment that I know she was with me.
I am grateful that the day she was born I was home and had wonderful midwives who made sure I had all the time I could to hold her and kiss her and feel her soft baby skin. I have pictures of her and her big sister and footprints and a lock of her golden hair. But I'll never forget the feeling of pushing her out in one long contraction and realizing almost before I saw her that that had been too easy, too fast and just wrong. I hope I will never forget the softness of her skin and her sweet peaceful expression as I held her warm little body in my arms for the only day we will ever have together.


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## loftmama




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## elsanne




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## theboysmama

We conceived 4months after we m/c our precious sam at 12.5 wks. We were a little nervous but so excited. At six wks i started to bleed and lost our sweet baby. We named it Morgan (boy or girl) and i created a lovely memory box.







Morgan 2/13/06 (6 wks)


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## LadyInfidel

Everyone has my deep, true sympathies.

We lost our first son in Oct 1994. Born at 27 weeks. He had IUGR. He lived for under an hour before we said goodbye.

We lost very wanted babies ...

5 weeks/ June 1997
11 weeks/Nov 1997
7 weeks/ Feb 1998
15 weeks/Apil 1999
13 weeks/June 2001
8 weeks/July 2002
6 weeks/Feb 2005








:


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## LotusBirthMama

We had our first loss in March 2005 at 5 weeks.

We had our second loss (twins) in September of 2005 at 7 weeks.

We found out a week ago that our newest babe in waiting had stopped growing at 8 weeks. We were 13 weeks along. I've yet to birth him so its still hard to accept. We named him Tully and were so excited to meet him...


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## babyangel2006

Hey, My Name Is Jessica20 It Was Our First Child. I Just Lossed My Babys. I Was 6 Months Pregnate. The First One I Loss At 13 Wks. And Angel I Just Lossed Him Last Wed. I Was So Have And Me And My Husband Had All His Stuff Ready For Him. And Now That He's No Here With Me I Feel Heart Broken I Dont Now What To Do With This Feeling Anf Gref. I Just Baried Him This Mon. I Am In Great Pain. I Cant Belive That His Not Here. Everthing Was Fine With Him. Just 1 Day He Did Not Move And The Next Day I Went To The Hospital And He's Little Heart Stopped. I Was In Pain For 3 Hole Days He Was Born On March 4,2006 6:38 Am And The Other Baby 1 Hr. Later He Was Goign To Be Born On June 18 On Fatheres Day.ive Been Through Lots Of Pain In The Hospital And No Reward. Me And My Husband Came Out From The Hospital Empty Handed. That Hurt Us Alot My Baby Angel Was So Big He Looked Like His Daddy And Had My Hands And Fingers. He Was A Hairy One Too. I Miss His Kicks I Miss Him Alot. And We Dont Know What Happened.nor The Doc. Their Do An Exam With The Placenta And Cord And The Other Tiny Baby That Was Disoving. But Maybe We Never Now. I Blame Myself Alot. But I Did Take Well Care Of Me But Dont Know What Happened. I Hate My Self . R.i.p Angel Damian

Born On March 4, 2006 6:38 Am At 24.2 Wks.6 Months
Died On March 4,2006 6:38 Am 1lb 9oz.
Baried Him On March 6, 2006 At 3:00pm

Mommy And Daddy Love You Angel Damian


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## Autumn Breeze

For my second miscarriage I purchased an infants ring that I wore on a necklace until half way through my next pergnancy.


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## chrismom

David Benjamin stillborn February 24, 2006

My little monster was 25 weeks. He was much loved and anticipated. He brought joy, excitement and love to all our family and friends. We have no other children and given my age, we may not have any children. The loss is devastating. He was so beautiful. He will always live within me and in my dh's heart.

Chrismom


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## mellymommy

My dear, sweet unborn baby was born on February 11, 2006 at 7:30pm, after 5 days of heavy bleeding and one night of terrible pain. Three weeks before the baby was born my husband felt that God told him to give the baby a name meaning "annointed" and O felt VERY strongly that the baby was a boy (I knew exactly when I got pregnant and from that moment had boy vibes), so I named him CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL. I didn't know until after I named him that MIchael means angel, which is so fitting. He is buried in our garden between to huge rosemary bushes. I felt so blessed to care for him even in his death. I'm grateful for his influence in my life. I love him as much as if I had nursed him.

I honored him with a tattoo on my belly (low and to the right) of a trumpet vine blossom and his name and birthdate. This way he is always with me.


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## christifav

My Angel died weeks ago (unsure exactly when) but today the body was removed from my uterus. I will forever remember today as the day I lost him/her even though the soul had departed weeks earlier.

I was 10 wks, 2 days along this morning when I received confirmation that the baby was gone. I had the D&C this afternoon.

I was so excited for my little Genna to have a little brother or sister. This baby was a true blessing for the time that I carried him/her and while I am disappointed that I never got to meet him/her, I look forward to seeing him/her in heaven.

I will miss you until the day I die, sweet Angel. Thank you for coming into my life, if only for a short time. ~Mom


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## Adensmommy

Aden Allen was born on March 8, 2006
we miss him so much. The pain is devistating.
He was born at only 22wks 4days
I have what ob called an Incompetent Cervix but not sure b/c I have read ic is with little or no pain. I went into full blown preterm labor.

Wherever you are Aden mommy loves you and I will never forget the time we shared while you where safe in my belly.









forever devoted mother to Aden Allen born March 8, 2006 perfect in every way.
loving wife to superhero dh


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## finn'smama

I lost my first in Nov 2003. I was about 6 weeks but I knew I was pregnant for only one day before I began to bleed. I went to the ER, because I didn't know what else to do and they said not to worry, lot's of people bleed during pg, and scheduled an u/s the nest day. That night I had terrible pain and my body let go of my baby. I still went to the u/s, but I knew it was over.
I lost my second in Mar 2004 at 8 weeks. This time when I started bleeding, I just went home (I was at work) and let things happen as they would. I started camping later in the day and my memory is foggy (this is the first time I've written this down), but I believe it was all over by that night.
I am still bleeding from my most recent loss as I sit and write this. I just found out I was pregnant on Sunday, March 12. It was a big shock since I had an IUD. I ended up in the ER that weekend b/c I had terrible pain, but that turned out to be ovarian cysts (I was worried about ectopic) and the IUD was removed. I was warned about the increased risk of m/c, but it seemed like the right thing to do. So I had one week with this baby before I began to bleed on Monday. I still have had no pain and have passed nothing signifigant, but I was only 3 wks pg. Thank you for this thread.


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## nikisager

Jacob Daniel Sager was born during hurricane Isabell, if he had been a girl that is what we were to name him. He was a beautiful baby boy, but when he first emerged from me he was not breathing and had not been for few minutes, took then 2 minutes to get him back, and he was perfect. He was the kissiest baby I had ever seen, he did not fuss or cry unless he wanted kisses, he just loved them. He was born September 19, 2003. On the night of January 1st, I asked my husband to leave and come back to NY, we had been having really bad probs with his drinking, he has since stopped, we were living in NC. He left that night. On January 10th, I returned home from work, picked all 4 boys up at my aunts, and took them home. Jacob was wide awake and wanted to play and kiss. He did this untill 4 am, which was fine because I had worked a double that day and really missed him. I dozed off after 5 am after finishing a movie. I layed on the other end of the couch, he was on the other end head propped up on a pillow laying on his back. I thought it was strange he hadnt been crying, I looked at him, he was gone.They said he had been gone since about 5:30, 30 minutes after I dozed off......

I do not know what I wanted out of life for him, only life itself. I still dont understand how one minute you can be holding your precious baby, and fall asleep, and they are gone... I want him so badly. I had to call his father 800 miles away and tell him that Jacob was gone, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My husband lost another son 5 years ago, but 3 years ago then, and got a call from NC while he was in NY for the week that Bryce had died.

I whisper in my little coreys ear every day always wake up in the morning.


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## Kythrias

I was scrolling through here because my dearest, best friend in the world just tonight lost her precious ones, her so longed-for babies after only 10 short weeks in her body. My heart and soul cry for her and her little ones as if it were my own pain. I've barely ever posted on this board, only lurk around a lot, but reading the stories of the courageous mommies on this thread, telling of their beloved, departed angels, made me feel it is maybe okay to think of the one and only loss I have had. I have never felt it was okay to mourn this lost baby, as I never even knew he was inside of me until he was going away. As I felt him leave me, I knew it was a boy, and I called him Christian. This was in October of 2000. I wanted to cry out and curl up, somehow to stop the baby I wasn't even aware of from leaving me before I could love him, but all I had was a "friend" who told me these things happen, and I'll just get over it soon enough. And a soon-to-be-EX-dh that said, "I don't believe you, you're just trying to hurt me." I've never really forgotten that painful night, but I believe the spirit of that little boy came back to me despite the harsh words of my "loved ones". In March of 2003, my new dh and I had a little boy we named Thomas, a happy just-turned-3 year old that has a wisdom in his eyes beyond his years.

To my dear best friend, my sista in heart, if you read this, if you post here, take comfort that I believe the spirits of your daughters will be back, and my heart cries for you and me, and all of us, who have lost a little one so loved.


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## isaiahsmommy05

We lost Isaiah on March 9, 2005 at 33 weeks due to a complete placental abruption. I nearly died from complications. Later on, we found out that I have 4 blood clotting disorders








I've had many miscarriages early on also because of these disorders.

You can read Isaiah's birth story and see his pictures at http://www.isaiahsplace.com/


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## hopesoon

Mummy and daddy started believing in miracles after 12 months.
You were the best Valentine's Day gift we ever received.

You made mummy and daddy happy.
You made mummy and daddy brave.
Mummy and daddy were willing to take on the world, healthy and strong, ready for your arrival.

But you had to leave, without even saying goodbye.

With your little heartbeat...
Thank you for giving us the best experience in our lives, even if just for a little while.
Thank you for allowing us to plan the future, with you in it, even if just for a little while.

We miss you, and we will never forget you.

For our dearest little darling angel, mummy and daddy will always love you.


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## laralee16

I lost my first baby after knowing for just a few days. I found out I was preg on my birthday.







I started to bleed about a week later. I know deep down in my heart that it was a girl. I miss her SO much, I think about her all the time.


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## momz3

Alexis Raquel was born May 11th, 2006 an angel. She passed away in my womb due to a uterine rupture. We think about her everyday and miss her so much. Words can not describe the way me and my entire family feel about this little girl....


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## Eeyore9990

Zachary James was born Friday, September 13, 2002 after a scary labor and delivery (his cord was wrapped around his neck, making his heartbeat stop everytime I contracted). He was 8 lbs, 2 oz of beautiful baby boy.

He was one of those babies that is perfectly content. He never fussed, except if my hubby didn't pick him up within five minutes of arriving home. You could set an eggtimer by him then, because he would pitch such a fit if he didn't get his daddy time in.

My hubby is in the Army and in early November of that year was sent to CA for desert warfare training, something we'd gone through six times in the three years of our marriage, so it was no big deal. We were scheduled to move to VA from TX right after he came back, so we set up everything to move our household stuff before he left and I went to live with the inlaws for the two months of his "mini-deployment".

Six days after I moved in with the inlaws, three days after I'd had his two month pictures made, on November 19, Zach didn't wake up from his nap. I remember everything about that day with crystal clarity. I went to wake him up from his nap and noticed his color was weird. One half of his face was oddly purpled, the side facing downward. I performed CPR on him until the ambulance arrived, at which point they took over. After we arrived at the hospital, the doctor allowed me into the er to hold his little hand while they worked on him for an hour and a half. He never woke up, no matter what they did. Finally, the doctor looked at me and said, "We'll keep working if you want." But I knew he was gone. So, I picked him up and kissed him and said goodbye and made my mother in law do the same thing. We had to let him go, for him as much as ourselves.

I know he was gone when I picked him up, logic tells me that, but I will be forever grateful to that doctor for not just saying, "I'm sorry, he's dead." He allowed me to say goodbye.

It was horrible. The first few weeks were just a blur of people, and me wanting some quiet space to just grieve, because I can't grieve in a roomful of people. My hubby had been given two weeks emergency leave, and after he went back to CA is when I finally broke down. The smallest thing. I was getting the suitcase ready to go visit my parents who live close to my inlaws, and left room in the case for Zach's clothes out of habit. When I opened his drawer and it was empty, I started screaming and throwing things. My sister in law, poor thing that found me, had no idea what to do for me. I imagine I looked a bit insane, and I probably was right then.

This September would have been his fourth birthday. It still hurts. A lot. But, I can remember the beautiful baby I was blessed with for two months and six days and smile now, even if it is a sad smile.

Whew, sorry. I don't often get to talk about him to people who understand. It's not exactly a conversation starter, you know?

Thanks.


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## Got_Cloth

My sweet angels,

My first MC i was 16 years old. it happened the day of my 16th birthday. i dont know boy or girl so I never named the angel
MC happened on Nov 10, 1995

MC first baby with my hubby, baby died 2 weeks after my graduation June 1997

Rachel and Rebecca Twin girls, Stillborn becaseu of TTTS and PROM. they were born silently on Sept 1, 1999 and 1245 and 1247 am. I miss them dearly

MC Mov 2005 after 13 months of TTC I finally got pregnant. our sweet baby was lost at just 4 -5 weeks. 3 days after I found out i was pregnant.

Brock Edward. Stillborn on may 22, 2006. We dotn know why he died, but it doenst really matter. I miss him the same. We had a beautful homebirth as planned, even though we knew he had died. Brock was born at 21 weeks. he was prefect. and my first son...

Missing all of my angels today.


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## jenn1971

I lost my son on March 28th, 2006, I was 19weeks, he would have been born this August.


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## The 5 O's

My triplets, Spencer, Tyler and Kyle were born at 23 weeks. No warning, just some spotting and mild cramping. 1 1/2 hours later Spencer was born weighing 1 lb 3 oz. The doctors tried to save the other 2 boys, but 4 days later, Tyler and Kyle were born weighing over 1 lb each. They were so beautiful, my babies. So big for triplets at that age, I am thankful to God that he is holding them and that they never needed to suffer or feel the pain of this world. I can't wait to be with them again.








Spencer April 25, 2006







Kyle April 29, 2006







Tyler April 29, 2006

You are not in our arms, but you are forever in our hearts...

C.O.


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## ApplePieBaby

My daughter, Raime Kailani was stillborn on April 17th, 2001.
Her story is on her page (which desperately needs updating and fixed links & images) http://www.raime.taterbean.com


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## JulesP

Alexandria Imogen, 4th January 2002 at about 22-23 weeks.

I got pregnant early on in a new relationship while on the pill, so we were never 100% sure of dates. After getting over the shock we were excited and happy, even though it was a nightmare pregnancy with bleeding, the employer from hell and a bad case of hyperemesis thrown in for good measure.

We thought I was sixteen weeks gone when I started having agonising cramps and rushed to hospital. They put me in a room with three women who were in early labour and wearing monitors which let them hear baby's lovely healthy heartbeat. They kicked my boyfriend out and left me there for 24 hours on 'bed rest' to try and stop my contractions. It didn't work. Eventually someone bothered to examine me and realised that my dates were probably wrong as my fundal height was more like 24 weeks than 16.

All of a sudden people started acting like there was a point to me being there - an ultrasound scanner was found, my boyfriend called back and a delivery suite prepared.

My boyfriend had a son from a previous relationship who was born premature, so when he arrived he had to walk past a corridor full of equipment he recognised and rightly feared. No one had told him at this point that our baby wasn't a guaranteed miscarriage. How he managed to be so reassuring and strong for that whole night I will never know.

Alexandria was born still in her caul at 3:30am on 4th January 2002. Although she was still fighting up until ten minutes before she was born, the final stage of her journey was too hard for her and she never took a breath. She was beautiful and perfect, just too small to live. I can remember marvelling at her unbelievably tiny fingernails and toes.

We left the hospital with nothing except her wrist band and some hand and footprints. She was too early and stillborn so we had no official recognition she had ever existed. They never found a good reason why she arrived so early.


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## JulesP

Ooops. Managed to repeat post - can a mod delete this?


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## JulesP

Ooops. Managed to repeat post - can a mod delete this?


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## KnittingMama

My angel baby was born into heaven July 17, 2006 at 11 weeks.

Malachi "my angel" was born quietly at home, unassisted by me. I was able to "deliver" the placenta fully intact so we will be able to have a burial/memorial.


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## sarah9774

Luke Harrison Garrett
Our first born son
Stillborn at 40 weeks and one day on 2/10/2005
22 inches long
8 lbs


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## NCMomworld

Our baby was born July 25, 2006 at 10 weeks. We have named him Leo Malachi. Leo is the name of the saint honored in the Eastern Orthodox church on our baby's due date (February 18th) and Malachi means messenger. We believe part of this little one's purpose on earth was to bring the message to my sister that they should have another child. Leo's cousin is due March 28, 2007 less than 6 weeks from his due date.


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## Miguelsmomma

In March of '04, we found out I was pregnant after a year and a half of trying. Two weeks later, I had a lot of cramping and passed the baby. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl and named the baby Sam.

Two more years of trying and crying, then found out on April 9, 2006, that we were finally pregnant again. He was due December 12, 2006. In my 18th week, I knew something was wrong even though I was physically feeling fine (except for morning sickness, which I had been having since week 8 or 9, so I was used to that already).

I had to deliver our firstborn son on July 18, 2006, the day I turned 19 weeks. We named him Miguel (after the Archangel Michael) Leonard (after his daddy). He was 7 inches, 3.5 ounces and just perfect. We had him cremated and brought him home to be with his mommy and daddy forever.

We are still waiting on his chromosome test, but midwife said tests from his placenta came back perfectly healthy.

He will be our forever baby, and we will never forget our son.


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## LadyInfidel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LadyInfidel*
Everyone has my deep, true sympathies.

We lost our first son in Oct 1994. Born at 27 weeks. He had IUGR. He lived for under an hour before we said goodbye.

We lost very wanted babies ...

5 weeks/ June 1997
11 weeks/Nov 1997
7 weeks/ Feb 1998
15 weeks/Apil 1999
13 weeks/June 2001
8 weeks/July 2002
6 weeks/Feb 2005








:









I am sady adding to my own list.

8 weeks/July 2006


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## 2sweetboysmom

Today is the anniversary of the loss of our first child. We have lost four over the years. I have named them all. I needed to honor their presence in my life even if they were here only a moment.
Enoch (Genesis5:24 Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.)
-August 7, 1997 Natural M/C I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Elijah(2Kings2:1-11 ...and Elijah went up by a whirlwind to heaven.)
-December 24, 1997 Natural M/C I was 5 weeks pregnant.

Hannah (In the Bible Hannah so longs and prays to conceive a child, she concecrates her firstborn to God to work in His temple. 1Samuel 2)
-March 21, 2003 Natural M/C I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Elizabeth(Biblically the mother of John the Baptist. Her child, like Hannah's was also concecrated to God)
-April 9, 2006 Natural M/C I was 5 weeks pregnant.

This most recent loss was the hardest for me and DH. Though suprised that we had conceived on our own, I realized that I was pregnant early on, (11 dpo)and began heavy suplimentation of progesterone. (I have luteal phase defect) I was confirmed by the OB. I felt my cervix twing and tighten up. I had the exact same pregnancy symptoms at the same times as I did with my two sweet earth babies. I bonded with this little one instantly. I felt so safe because the pregnancy was proceding so normally. DS1 age 4, overheard my call to the DR. I had not planned on telling him yet. He was sooo happy that mommy was "pegernant" He told me later that day that he had talked to God and God said "mommy has a girl in her tummy" My sweet son was on the moon for days. I woke after my nap on April 8 and knew that I no longer held a life inside of me. DH thought I was just anxious and told me not to worry. We had no reason to think that we would have another misscarriage. I woke up on the morning of April 9 and was passing huge chunks of bright red tissue. This continued off and on for about 48 hours. There were times that there seemed to be no bleeding at all. The misscarriage was complete three days later.

I realize that all of my losses are too soon to have KNOWN their gender. I have named them from my heart knowledge. When I see them in heaven, if I was wrong, I don't think they will hold it against me.

Some day when I get to heaven, me and my four heaven babies


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## JoyJoy1975

Seth Isaiah Wilson

December 12, 1995

Seth was my Christmas Angel many years ago, I will never forget my beautiful boy. He was sent to me for a reason and he forever touched my soul. His daddy left me when he found out I was pregnate and I was ready and willing to embark on the journey of being a single mom. It seemed like they were against me from the start. I was asked if I wanted an abortion the first U/S. I had already heard that little heartbeat and I was hooked. I could not have done such a thing. They said are you sure and I said yes. Then I got sick very bad. It started out as morning sickness and it got worse. I was eventualy seeing spots so I went in and had high blood pressure. They then did the routine blood tests and found out something was wrong. They said some levels where high. That happens with twins and they sceduled me for a U/S. Then things went bad real bad. They seen he had a halo around his head and it looked like an angel. They say that happens when something is not right. So then they did a vag ultrasound and did a amniocentis test. While they were rushing around doing tests I was in amazement watching my baby do flips and suck his thumb. I was 5 months along. He was so happy and content and I was enjoying the moment. They told me afterwords he may have downs syndrome or something else and if so if I wanted an abortion. Oh no I cried no I could never do that and I rubbed my tummy and said I am not giving up on you. Few weeks later I was called to the hospital and they said they had the results of the amnio and sat me down to discuss what was going on. First of all they said their are too many chromosones. My baby had Triploidy and my blood preasure was at dangerous levels by then. I was seeing only out of one eye and at risk for a stroke. Well they said he would not make it and that when he was born he would die shortly after birth. I was in shock. They told me I had two choices I could go home and come back in a ambulance and may die and never have children again. Or I could go be induced and deliver him and let him die a peaceful death. If he were to die inside me they said he would then decay and fall apart. Horrid things. I am not sure if that is true or not. I will never know but I know I thought about this for a few hours. I thought it would be better to go ahead and let him have a peaceful death his heart was not strong he was getting weak. I had 10 hours of labor and I delivered a beautiful baby boy. I named him Seth Isaiah Wilson and I know he comes to vist me. He watches over his little sisters. I have woke up many nights hearing his voice he says mamma, mamma and when I wake up he is gone. Its a feeling only a mother could have when you know your child is there. I feel we will always have a special bond that can never be broke even with death. One day I will be going home to see my only boy. My three little girls will always know about their brother in heaven and we light a candle each year for his birthday.

The Graphics
Moments after his birth I held him he let out a sigh and looked at me and died, they say he had passed on but I know that is not true he was warm and he looked at me. I told him it was ok to go see Jesus and he let out a breath and died. His eyes rolled back and he had a smile as he left this world. He looked peaceful. I held him many times and they would bring him to me from the freezer and I would just hold him and rock him and cry and I looked at his fingers and counted his toes. I memorized his tiny body so I would not forget. I gave him one last kiss and sent him away. To be buried. He weighed just 1/2 a pound and was tiny but a miricle he had every feature every toenail, fingernail and little knuckles and the lines on them, he had a tiny penis and scrotum even the lines there, he had all the features of a larger baby it was totaly amazing to see. You could even see he had my mouth and would have looked a lot like my middle child who looks like me. He did not have hair and his skin was transparent. He was so beautiful and perfect in my eyes. As he died he turned black and had a blue tinge to him so some of the pics I have are not so great. The pictures never tell the story of my heart. I made him a baby book and in it his foot prints are the size of a quarter. I saved everything like appointments, u/s and such and put in it. I write this that anyone who may have lost a baby would know that looking, holding and loving your baby is ok. My baby would be 10 right now but he is still loved and missed and treasured all in one.

The Hardest Part.
The hardest part of losing him was the first year every baby I saw around the same age I would think of him. The first month I produced milk for him. I babysat a baby and when she cried my breasts would leak. That was hard. I forced myself to look at other babies and be ok with it I did not want to be cold and mean. I did not want to hate babies. I hated preganate ladies I got so jealous. Seeing other pregante people and babies was the worst. Getting rid of his things was hard but holding on the them was even harder. I saved his blanket and outfit from the hospital. I think for me having other children was healing and pain all rolled into one. I worried about losing them and yet I felt a great joy in having them. I learned that having more children did not replace the one I had. They were right about having more children but no matter how many I have I will always think I should have one more. One day I am going to get a mothers ring with all my childrens stones on it. Another hard thing is when people ask how many kids you have that always hurts. I sometimes say three girls and other times I say 4 one in heaven. Its hard sometiems I just don't want to explain it. But every time I say 3 I have a bit of my heart bleeding saying that is a lie.

Sorry if there is mispellings and grammer issues this was hard to right I had to edit it a few times to add more.


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## lestouffer

It has been 7 years since my first son was still born due to Dandy Walker at 22 weeks. It has been 4 since my second son was still born due to Dandy Walker at 22 weeks. Its not supposed to be genetic! That's all I want to scream. At least I have an answer, I know why they died. I just want to know why they had that disease, what did I do to them? Can my daughters be carriers? Will they have no sons either?

I miss them everyday and hope that they are happy.


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## crunchymama2two

Thank you for this thread!

Tristan, 3/2002, died at 14 weeks pregnancy, D&C at 15 weeks. You will always be our first perfect little peanut. Mommy and Daddy still miss you terribly.

Baby #3, lost 1/2005. Your time with us was fleeting in the scheme of time, but you no doubt served a purpose in the scheme of our lives.


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## umami_mommy

For Esme Sophia
who passed over the Sunless Sea to the Western Door
February 28, 2006

Mother of life
Mother of death
here is a spirit so new
that the gates of life and death
are just an archway in her dancing ground.
She has danced her way back to you.
Her passage is easy
but mine is hard.
I wanted to hold her living flesh
and feel her soft breath and her heartbeat.
(I nurtured her in my body;
I would have fed her from my breasts.)
I would have cared for her
and watched her first steps
and listened for her voice.
No other child that may come to me
will ever be what she would have been.
Nothing, nobody, will ever replace her.
Whatever healing I may find,
this loss will always be a part of me.
(Bless my womb, which has the power
to sustain life and yet, knows death.)
Bless my arms
that would have embraced her,
bless my hands that would have lifted her.
Bless my heart that grieves.
And bless the Wheel that ever turns bringing us
from life, to death, to rebirth.


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## monocyte

Had a mc on Mothers day, felt for sure it was a baby girl. I was about 7 weeks.

There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of her.


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## Shirelle

I miscarried on September 16, 2004 at 9 weeks. I started spotting one day, then my nausea vanished, and when I woke up the next morning and stood up, the placenta fell out of my body. It was terrifying and strangely, humiliating. I passed the baby later that day, and we buried it underneath our honeysuckle bush. We were pregnant again by the beginning of October, and it was a very scary time, waiting to see if that baby would stay put.


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## rosenino

Since the time I was a little girl I knew I wanted nothing more than to grow up and be a mommy. Unfortunatley, I had many health problems. When I finally got pregnant after many years of trying I mc at 10 weeks. I tried so hard to go on with life & not think about losing you. Two years later I got pregnant again but mc again. It's now 15 yrs later and although I've never been able to get pregnant again, I want you to know that I have never forgotten you. I know that one day we will be reunited in heaven.

Love,
Mommy

Thank you so much for this forum.


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## Tan II

Hi ! I think that is a nice idea. I find friends and family don't know how to act on our 2 dates (birth and death day). I find it important to acknowledge both dates.
It was our angel's birthday last sunday, he would have been 3. Hardly any of the family said anything. I find in really hurtful. Just becasue he's not with us, doesn't mean we can't recognise his birthday.


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## Tan II

I am in between dates. In between the date my baby boy was born, and the day he died. He would have been 3 this year. HArd to imagine, and hard to picture.

He was born at 30 weeks. Being prem, and having health issues, he stayed at the Royal Children's Hospital for the 3 months of his life.
He had good days, he had bad days, he had we're not sure days, he fought as hard as he could.

Then one day the doctors sat us down and said "he's not going to survive". I felt like someone had dropped a building on my head.
THe next day we took him off the ventilator, and held him as he died peacefully in our arms.
We knew that the doctors had done all they could. To keep him on morfene, and have a machine breathe for him - knowing we would only get a few more days with him just didn't seem right. To have him suffering to keep him with us for only a few days more seemed selfish.
It wasn't a hard decision to make. As a parent you always do what is best for your child. We knew he was suffering, and letting him go was the best decision for him. (Not for us, but for him).

3 years gone, and there are still days I cannot believe what we went through as a family.
I'd like to believe that I am a stronger, better person for it. I have to try and take something positive away from this painful experience.

I had another baby last year. It will be his 1st birthday in 3 weeks time








What a joy he is.

Although I find people think because I have had another child - everything is ok now. That all my pain is gone. I don't think that's fair. One child does not replace another.

Time does heal, and we do move forward. We still remember. And he is still very much part of our family.
When you ask my 7 year old how many brothers do you have? He will say 2. I am very proud of him.


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## Tater25

Alyssa Lynn Salazar
Born August 12, 2006
7lbs 8oz, 21.5 inches long

OUR little princess who will never be forgotten!!


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## brookelynnp

I dont have a name for you, I didn't really even know you were there. Except that I knew I had a daughter and I knew this pregnancy was way different. They could never get a heartbeat until around 20 weeks or so. " to much movement in there" that is what they told me.

Then I got all itchy and had to abandon my second homebirth due to Cholestasis. I did not have this the first time which is rare. THen my ds was born I remember being shocked that my littel girtl had a penis. Then I realized I was wrong. Then I started to hemorrage due to the second placenta which I now know contained my daughter.

I let it go I never mourned her loss. Even when my ds cried for hours every night reaching out for love that he refused from me his mama and anyone else that offered it to him. How could I not comfort my own child. Then ds had emtional issues which we now know is due to the loss of his twin. The twin I never validated existed, nor did anyone else.

Now three and half years later my mourning begins to heal both my ds and me. He tells me she was a girl. He tells me she was bad for not eating when she was in his belly with him. He tells me she was sick. He holds onto the baby we got him to help him heal like she too will leave him. He is afraid to be sad. he is afraid for me to be sad.

I really am sad and I feel so crazy and unworthy of it. I want to get pregnant again I know she is waiting to be a part of our family. Iv'e always known it. DH says we are done, but I want her back so badly, I think she will help to heal us all. Maybe some day I will even name her.


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## AllyRae

Ryland's getting a sibling in heaven...little Jordyn died at 5 weeks gestation...


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## jrose_lee

Ectopic pregnancy back in October 2004.
Mark Russell Jr.


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## adamsfam07

To honor our lost little bundle at 8 wks gestation, you are loved and missed.


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## moma justice

m/c april 2000 i was about 3 months (maple)
herbal abortion due to complete/fatal hydosepholis (fluid instead of brain) at 20 weeks march 2001 (bird)

still birth at 41 weeks (rain) sept 25 2006

i DO have one little survivor ellaina grace who is 3, and i hope to have more one day soon


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## Andy-Billsmum

Freya was born in April 2005 gestation 17 weeks

Thomas was stillborn 14/12/2005, 19 weeks gestation

James was born alive, lived for two hours and died in his daddys arms 14/12/2005, 19 weeks gestation

m/c at 10 weeks April 2006

m/c at 9 weeks October 2006

I have a wonderful 5 year old son, and I still havnt given up hope!

I am proud of all my babies.

Mum to Andrew ,Thomas, James and Freya


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## kosepusen

Eirik was born silent on Oct 29th 2006 at 32 weeks. He will always be loved and missed.

~Jennifer~


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## freespiritbirth

Rowan Wallace Steppe-Viergutz stillbirthed November 8, 2002...turned back moments before his Cesarean delivery.


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## Miguelsmomma

I am adding to my list.

Sam we named because we did not know if it was a boy or girl. Found out I was pregnant March 14, 2004. Due November 18, 2004. Miscarried March 27th, 2004 at 6 weeks.

Miguel Leonard. Found out I was pregnant April 9th, 2006. Due December 12th, 2006. Stillborn on July 18th, 2006 at 18 weeks, no known cause.

I'm thinking of naming her Faith. Found out I was pregnant November 12th, 2006. Due July 13th, 2007. Miscarried November 19th, 2006 at 6 weeks. Of course we're not sure, but mama's intuition told me it was a girl.

Praying for a full-term, happy, healthy baby born in the near future. Loving all my angel babies in my dreams.


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## jo22

We found out very early d/t invitro that I was pregnant with twins. At 6 wks I miscarried the twin that implanted on the left side. While in the ER Sat night we saw the heart beat of the other twin for the first time







Spent that whole weekend worried we would loose the other twin. It was the worst weekend of my life. At my Monday follow up with my fertility doc we found out our remaining twin was still a twin. I had actually miscarried a triplet and we could now see we had identicals. At the ultra sound the next week we no longer had a heart beat on one of the girls. Fetal demise at 7 wks. DD heartbeat was strong and was monitored by weekly u/s for another 4 weeks just to make sure. Our little miracle was born 03-30-06 at 37 + 1.


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## k9sarchik

My little first one......I felt so awful not really getting a chance to say "Good-bye." You were just there on the Dr.'s table, about the size of a Raspberry, a mere 7 weeks. I was left with an ultrasound photo of you from the day before, when you had a healthy beating heart and you made us so happy. And the next day, 11/17/06, you were taken from me. I think that I must have contracted invasive Listeria, but the doctors wouldn't test me. They said I had the "flu" and that it wouldn't affect you. Well I think that they were wrong.
I felt like you didn't know who you could have become, but then you visited me in a meditation. You were tall and handsome, just like your father. You told me that it was alright and that you would see me again.
I know that you are with us and that someday we will all be together again. Thank you for the visit, you are my special first baby and you will never be forgotten.

All our Love Mom & Dad.


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## Frankiesmom

Francesco Gerard - born silently on October 19, 2006 at 33 weeks gestation. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

We love you and miss you, Baby Frankie!! In our hearts forever.


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## blaqpearl

To my little girl Assata...We miss you so much. Thank you for making as far as you did. I got to feel you in my belly as you fluttered around. Your daddy even got to see at that last ultrasound. I am so glad we got to see you before we buried you. You looked so pretty in that dress the nurses put you in. You were beautiful then and I bet you are even more beautiful now as you fly around in paradise. I sleep with your teddy bear every night and I am keeping her safe for you. Please make duas for mommy and daddy. We will see you soon, insha'Allah.

Love you forever,
Ummi and Abi


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## onyxravnos

Yamia







Lost June 13 2005 - about 8 weeks along.
I felt and dreamed you were a girl - I named you Yamia after the hindu/tibetian goddess who is the caretaker of female souls.

I think of you.


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## forestrymom

My sweet baby, born 12-10-2004, at home.

I still miss you!


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## 2AngelBabies

My name is Melissa, I am the mother of two angel babies, Emily Michelle miscarried May 3, 2006; and another angel yet to be named, miscarried December 21, 2006. I am 17 years old, so is my boyfriend. We were 16 when I lost Emily, and 17 when I lost the second. Although I am young it is just as hard for me to deal with the loss of a child, let alone two. I lost them for reasons that could have been stopped had my doctors seen many problems prior to my pregnancies. For that I am angry, and have changed my doctors several times, only to find that they all assume I am "fine." I am also hurt that these problems were overlooked, as they resulted in the loss of two of my children, that I was (and still am) very proud of.
The days I found out I was pregnant were the happiest days of my life, and the days that I lost them were by far the worst. No pain can ever amount to the pain of a losing a child.
Throughout our grief, my boyfriend (the father of both), has been very supportive and promises me that they are safe, they are angels, that they are together, they know we love them, and that someday we will be able to see them for the first time, hold them, kiss them, and remind them that they were always loved and were never forgotten.
Our children are the most important people in our lives, and although we don't have them with us and we are young, we are parents like any other.
Losing our children was the worst thing that ever happened to us, and the one thing that we had no control over. The thought of having another child someday is terrifying, just out of fear that we may lose another, but we desperately want to hold our child in our arms and someday share our story with them. We know that our angels are at peace. They are in a far better place than this world, and will never have to experience a moment of the suffering that we have had to endure...
Our sympathy goes to all who have felt the pain of a lost child at any age, and we understand that they can never be replaced...
I am an Angel's mommy,
Melissa


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## maybebabysoon

i also lost my precious little angel at only 4 weeks. i was not pregnant long but i loved my baby so much. we tried for over a year to get pregnant and after 6 months of serophene our wish came true. but then i lost my baby. i will never forget my precious little angel.


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## dmarieb

(my first post on mothering.com)

We lost our little angel 3 weeks ago at 10 weeks. I am still carrying his/her little twin. I have such a mix of emotions from happiness to the little one I am still carrying. To grief over the the angel I lost. It is very confusing for me. But I do have much to look forward to - so I do feel blessed.

-Diane


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## krazieyb

Thank you to whoever started this. I believe this can be my first major sense of okayness. My husband and I are a military family and therefore don't get to spend much time together therefore when we found out in the beginning of June 06 that we were pregnant we were SO ecstatic. We had been married just a few months shy of a yr and had been trying for the two or three months we actually got to spend together. I didn't even believe it when I saw the faint line so I called my hubby in to verify and he was ecstatic as he yelled YES WE ARE PREGNANT I SEE THE POSITIVE. That was when the test became real to me. I went to see doc and everything. We went into the middle of July and I woke up to a normal day then early evening I went to use the restroom and was spotting heavy. I knew right then I was miscarrying. My hubby and I went to see Doc who confirmed it.I was only about five wks and he was to be our firstborn. I never seen my hubby so emotionally broke. We wanted our baby so bad. I knew the baby was a boy, I had had some dreams while pregnant. I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS. I can't wait to see our son in heaven and I want and hope that he knows how much we love him and wanted him. We'll see you in heaven baby boy. We were going to name him Dylan. Dylan C. D.O.D. July 17,2006. Thanks for being mommy and daddy's little angel. Help grandma keep your siblings safe as we await their arrivals.


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## krazieyb

I just want to thank you all for your posts. May our little angels be in peace.


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## Aspinfire

*hugs to all*


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## Mama_Michelle

Little Plumface, miscarried at 13 weeks on December 13, 2000. I am so thankful for that 'unplanned' - but we knew it was a possibility- pregnancy. Before my precious angle touched my life I thought I never wanted to have children. And now two DDs later I cannot imagine my life any other way. I felt more connected to Plumface than either of my other children in utero, maybe because I was trying not to get attached after the miscarriage, but I think it was more that our time together was the only time I got to mother Plumface and, therefore, very special.
We heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks but at 13 weeks I 'felt' something was wrong. I knew the baby had died but my midwife reassured me that without any bleeding or cramping, she was sure everything was fine. The next day I made her see me only to confirm what I felt. The next day Plumface was delivered at our home. We had a goodbye ceremony and my husband wrote the most beautiful poem. We are both so thankful that our unexpected angle changed our whole lives and now we are a loving, AP, NFL family of four (and hopefully someday 5).


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## luvmyfullhouse

My sweet angel babies:
Kenzie-10/29/01
Bennet-1/30/03

I'll see you both when I get there. XOXOXO Mommy


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## strmis

My sweet, sweet angel, Savannah Joy (aka Squirt







! )

You are so loved my beautiful, little one. Not only are you our baby girl, but your our little angel now, too.

Daddy and I love you so so dearly, and always will. My baby girl, you will be in our thoughts everyday of our lives from here on out.

For such a little girl you sure did bring big changes in our lives and most importantly showed us how much love we really can give to each other and the beautiful life that we create.

My baby girl, I miss you so very much. I *LOVE* YOU, Squirt!


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## Mia Sara

My Dear Elijah
died November 23, 2004
I think about you all the time. I know you are ok where you are now. I miss you. I wish you were here with me. I know we will be together again one day.

oh, does it ever get easier??


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## ipfree

I hope it is okay that I post here. I want to honor your babies and honor you wonderful women. I have a dear friend who lost her child and I want to honor him here.

Beautiful Trace Oak was born sadly still on October 25, 06. We all love him very much here in our community, and I think of him everyday.

It is amazing how much I am touched by this sweet, powerful and gentle spirit. His energy feels like the wind to me, and I can feel him close.

I honor you strong, beautiful women on your path. I have so much respect for all of you and admire you all so much. I know your babies are looking down on all of you and smiling. You love them each so much and it touches my heart.


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## pyzia

My angel went to heaven on December 23, 2005, 2 days before Christmas. I was 5 weeks gestation.


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## muttix2

I lost my first pregnancy. I was almost ten weeks. We'd just had it confirmed by a doctor and had told everyone. The spotting started after I was exercising. I panicked but had already had implantation bleeding in the same pregnancy so tried to think positive. I never stopped spotting and starting bleeding. We went to a friend's house but I just sat in an empty room and cried the whole time (his wife was pregnant). We came home, I went to sleep. I woke up at 4 a.m. cramping. Went to the bathroom and passed the baby. It was pretty big, big enough so that I think I may have been further along than I thought (maybe a few weeks). I stared at it in the toilet for awhile, I don't know how long. I started to panic because I didn't know what to do and I started screaming. My husband ran in and didn't know how to make me stop crying and screaming. I told him the baby was in the toilet. He flushed it. I still have nightmares of a baby in the sewer crying and asking me why I flushed it. We went to the hospital, they were horrible to me. We came home, told people.

Tomorrow would have been my baby's birthday. It would have been four years old. I got pregnant with my oldest living child in the month my baby was due so I feel conflicted missing my first baby. Had that baby lived, I wouldn't have my oldest living child. I'm torn apart right now, crying. I thought I was over this sharp pain but apparantly I'm not. I'm just so sad for my first baby and I miss it so terribly. I just wish someone other than myself remembered and cared about my first baby.

I miss you First Baby.


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## IRENESAIS

My Beautiful Andrina Went To Heaven I Was 26.5 Weeks When I Went Into Labor I Had To Have Emergency C-section Due To I Had A Bacterial Infection (gbs) My Baby Weighed 2lb 4 Oz She Was So Tiny And Hairy And Beautiful Perfect Little Toes Big Beautiful Eyes With Theese Long Eyelashes I Got To Hold Her In My Arms And Rock Her She Lived For 18 Days Before She Went To Heaven It Was And Still Is The Hardest Thing For Me I Still Think Of Her,smell Her I See Her Kicking Her Legs ! I Have A 13 Year Old Daughter And A 14 Year Old Son Its Only Been Since 11/06 And Now I Come To Find Out Im About 8 Weeks Pregnate Im So Scared And Worried I Dont No What To Expect Or How To Feel Im Not Tring To Replace My Andrina (never) She Will Always Be In My Heart !!i Guess Im Confused !!!


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## Mama_Michelle

Welcome to MDC IRENESAIS. I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand your confusion about your pregnancy. Hopefully you can find some support here at MDC. Nothing can replace our lost babes but we can find joy in our additional little ones. Congrats on your pregnancy.


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## SequoiasMom

I just want to honor my little Journey Borne....she died 7 weeks ago after staying with us for almost a day. Her twin sister, Sequoia Journey Borne, is alseep in my arms now. They were 8 weeks early, at 32 weeks. I knew Journey probably wouln't make it, but I didn't know how hard it would be. It was the toughest time of my life, going through the pregnancy and having all those conflicting emotions. I had to quit working earlier than planned because everyone kept asking about "the twins". It was hard to lie and say everything was GREAT. It wasn't, but it was. It is still that way.
My heart goes out to all you powerful, resilient women who have been through the loss of a child.
Robin


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## purposefulmother

Thank you so much for this thread.

My oldest son was born 10/18/96 and lived 5 hours and 45 minutes. He was born fullterm and weighed 7 lbs 8 oz. He was beautiful, amazing, and I know that if loving him could keep him alive, he'd be here now.








Zach 10.18.96

also have had mc at 6.5 wks, 8 wks, 7 wks


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## janebug

A sisterhood I did not know I would join but am honored to be a part of now.

To my dear little one who left me this past January.


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## kkeake

You would have been born in September. I love September. In September the air is so crisp and the sky a deep cornflower blue and the birch trees are still full but the leaves are golden. And there are so rarely clouds in September. The air smells pungent of high-bush cranberries and the unmistakable scent of mushrooms rotting into the soil, still alive but changing everyday. By October they will become indistinguishable from the earth around them, a warm and lush blanket to protect the life underneath through the long death of winter.

You were not with me long. I am sorry to tell you that you are more real to me now than when you lived inside me. The shock I felt when I first learned about you had not subsided by the time I suffered the horror of learning I was losing you. My belly had only begun to grow; your father and I had only begun to laugh about my fatness. We had only begun to dream of your face, your touch, your integral place in our family. We had not told your brother and sister about you. I did not yet love you.

I lost you on a Sunday. I was singing in a choir concert and began to bleed only minutes before I was to sing. I stood in the church and sang praises to God. _You are God in the highest mountain, you are God in the deepest sea. You are awesome in power and glory, great is your love for me. Great is your love for me._ I sang loud and hard, cringing from back pain, bleeding, and trying to believe the words in my mouth. Your father was in the audience, smiling at me while I sang. He did not know you were already gone.

It did not take long. The next day the ultrasound technician told me I had a "perfectly normal non-pregnant uterus." She could see no evidence that you had ever even been there. I wish I could tell you that I was devastated, that I wept bitter tears. But I didn't. That came later. I wish I could tell you that I railed at the ultrasound tech for her coldness, the ER doctor for his clinical treatment of what he casually called my medical "non-emergency." Instead I smiled and thanked them. I actually thanked them all.

What followed was a period of painful self-indulgent grief, interrupted only by fits of anger, cynicism and overall nastiness. This continued until (and some time after) your sister so sweetly and so sadly told me that she missed her "crazy fun mama." All I really wanted was to burrow in the bed morbidly obsessing over "fetal tissue" and "gestational sacs," wishing I'd at least had a body to bury. I wanted to fantasize about whether you were my boy or my girl. I wanted to lay with my hands on my now-flattened belly, imagining you growing and swimming in there, straining to remember what that felt like. All I wanted was to weep and rage at the disappointments in my life, to mourn the child I lost. But then I realized I had to at least pretend to rejoice in the children I already had.

People said amazing things to me. _It was for the best; it probably had a DNA defect. At least you know you can get pregnant. You're young, just keep trying. They're very common; almost everyone has one. At least you weren't very far along. I didn't even know you were pregnant! You're not going to let this get you down, are you?_ These were people who loved me. They wanted me to be happy; they couldn't bear to see me in pain. But their comments minimized my grief. They minimized _you_. What they couldn't seem to understand was that, yes, on a logical level, there was likely an evolutionary reason that I miscarried; there was probably a chromosomal abnormality, but that in itself is cause for grief. My baby had a chromosomal abnormality! My baby _died_ from it. I know I am young, and we will keep trying. But children are not fungible objects; parents do not reach their quota of identical widget-babies and stop placing orders. I may have more children, but I will never have this child. I will never have _you_. You're right, I wasn't very far along. I was spared the unimaginable pain some women endure having to birth their children, knowing they have already died, or those who enter labor with hope and joy and end it in a daze of confusion and agony when their baby stops breathing. It could always be worse. But that doesn't mean that this isn't bad.

Only a very few people, to whom I will always be grateful, gave me what I needed. Our friends dropped meals off at the house and listened as I sobbed. Your uncle astounded me with his compassion and grace. They helped me to heal.

I want a baby more than anyone can understand, more even than your father does. I miss the physicality of it, the sensuality of it: the scent and feel of a newborn's head, the piggish snorts and shallow breaths of nursing. I will have another baby, but it will not replace you. I write this as a way of healing, of closure for myself. But I also write it for you, so you know that I regret terribly your loss and the indignity of the way I lost you. So you know that I have not forgotten you. So you know you will always be my third child.

I don't know if I will be sad again when September comes. What I do know is that when I see the clear sky and smell the earth I will know that you are part of it. Mixed with the mushrooms and moss, you will make a blanket to protect and warm me throughout the long barren winter.


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## umami_mommy

For Esme Sophia
who passed over the Sunless Sea to the Western Door
February 28, 2006

Mother of life
Mother of death
here is a spirit so new
that the gates of life and death
are just an archway in her dancing ground.
She has danced her way back to you.
Her passage is easy
but mine is hard.
I wanted to hold her living flesh
and feel her soft breath and her heartbeat.
(I nurtured her in my body;
I would have fed her from my breasts.)
I would have cared for her
and watched her first steps
and listened for her voice.
No other child that may come to me
will ever be what she would have been.
Nothing, nobody, will ever replace her.
Whatever healing I may find,
this loss will always be a part of me.
(Bless my womb, which has the power
to sustain life and yet, knows death.)
Bless my arms
that would have embraced her,
bless my hands that would have lifted her.
Bless my heart that grieves.
And bless the Wheel that ever turns bringing us
From life, to death, to rebirth


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## brightonwoman

April 7, 2004--Thomas Becket, 14.5 wks gestation. Spontaneous miscarriage. We held his tiny body in our hands. Both his hands AND both his feet all fit on my thumbnail. We named him after his grandfather on one side and great grandfather on the other side...too many Thomas' in the family to give the name to a living child.

Feb 14, 2005--Kjersti Eliana ("Cher-stee El-ee-ah-nah") meaning "Beloved Gift from God". 13.5wks gestation. The pregnancy was very healing after 10 months of ttc...but the miscarriage was an emotional trainwreck.

August 17, 2005--Kjersti's due date. Miscarried again...about 12ish weeks. I think it was a boy, but I only have mommy intuition to go on.

January 16, 2007 FINALLY A HEALTHY BABY BOY! Samuel, the child for whom we have prayed.


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## Parker'smommy

Mason Ryan, our baby girl, was born still on Feb. 11, 2007 at 20 weeks. I'm still recovering from her leaving us much too soon. I too, never thought I would find myself in this place. I never thought that *it* would happen to me. She will be our little girl in our hearts and lives forever and will never forget her.


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## AKira

Not mine, but I just wanted to







for my friend, who was told yesterday at her ultrasound that she has lost her baby.
They're inducing her tomorrow. She was due in 3 weeks.

My heart is broken for her...I keep dissolving in tears at my desk.


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## ladybugchild77

Hugs to all you Mamas!

Today was my first baby's due date. She (I am pretty sure it was a girl) would have been 8 years old today. I still feel so sad and connected to both of my babies even though I have two adorable ones here on Earth to hold. Here are their stories:

*Baby 1* - I never named her.
- I was 21yo and happy to be pregnant but scared at the same time. I had just told me boyfriend I was pregnant (he is my husband now). I had my first appointment with a doctor and everything seemed to be OK. Then I went home and began to cramp and bleed. I was in so much pain I passed out. I thought it all passed but a week later I began hemorrhaging and lost so much blood I almost died. I guess I had a peice of retained placenta. I was about 10 weeks along when I lost the baby.

*Baby 2* - We were still discussing names.
- I was 26yo and had just gotten married 2 months previously so she was a honeymoon baby! Becasue of my previous m/c I had a very early ultrasound and when I saw that heartbeat I cried from joy. Then I came home from work a few weeks later and went to the bathroom; when I pulled the toilet paper away it was bright red with blood. I remember screaming, "Oh no, Oh, God no!" and running to the phone to call my husband. I don't know what I said but, "I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding." over and over. He ran out the door and came home. The OB called since my MW was off that day and he told me it was common for many women to bleed and to rest in bed. I had an u/s the following day and they (the OB and MW) gave each other this "look" and I just knew she was gone. I was told to go home and wait but if I bled a lot to go to the ER. I began passing clots and went to the ER where they were so rude; they even asked if I was "sure" I was having a m/c. I was put into a private room where the ER doc on call told me the baby was fine and that my cervix was closed. I was overjoyed until my MW told me he was wrong and they did another u/s to confirm the baby was dead. I went to an herbalist after a week of waiting with my dead baby becasue I felt like I was going crazy and needed to pass this baby. She gave me a tea and early on easter Sunday 4/11/04 I went into labor and birthed my baby alone in my bedroom and bathroom whle my dh slept. I will say that those contractions were more painful to me than the births of my live babies. I had to keep my baby so they could do some tests. I was about 13 weeks when I passed this baby.This part of the story is the worst; I went to the MW office Monday @ 9am. It was u/s day and I sat there holding my baby in a bag while the other ladies with big bellies asked when I was due and talked about their dreams. I have never been more distraught as I was that day. My dh came home to find me rocking in the rocking chair we had purchased. I had already told everyone we were pregnant; I had bought a little outfit and furniture. I was so sad that I told him I didn't want to try again but we got pregnant with our next baby two months after the m/c. She is now 2yo and her sister is 5 months.

Not a day goes by when I do not think about my beautiful spirit babies. Mama loves and misses you; my first would have been 8 years old today and the other would have been turning 2 on Nomvember 28th.


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## taradt

I never properly acknowledged my last loss, so rather then just update the post I will start a new one for all my angels.

December 31 2003 - Keena, no heartbeat found at 16 weeks, sweet baby born at 18 weeks. My baby that taught me so much about loss and compassion, my baby that taught me what it was like to give birth









September 17 2004 - Faolan, my trisomy 9 baby, born still at 26weeks. My baby that taught me about hope and hoe close love and pain are









June 2005 - baby girl who died 10-11 weeks. My baby that I never properly acknowleged due to overwhelming grief and despair. My baby that I feel I abandonned


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## SamuraiMom

Today would have been my due date. Zachary Jackson stopped developing at 16 weeks and was born to us when I was 23 weeks. Tiny and beautiful, perfect little hands and feet. Rachel asked me this morning about where my mom is (FL), where my dad is (NH), where my Grandma is, in Heaven, and where my baby is, and I told her that you are with Grandma in heaven. She likes to ask me that every once in a while and I am glad that she does. You will always be in our hearts little one, we love you.


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## Funny Face

~Robe J.- April 11th, 2007, 17 weeks gestation.
Loved and so very missed


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## jen&james

Reading your stories bring back so much pain.
I lost my little angel this last week May 1st. Lillian Ruth Chesla was 13 w 3 d. She had Turners syndrom and cystic hygroma. It was so unexpected and my heart and womb miss her so much. We will always love you my little angel and hope to see you again one day. mommy,daddy and James love you so much!!


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## AlwaysByMySide

Edited


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## Andy_ryansmom

May 5th 2007 - 27 weeks gestation

Kaelan Stephen Graham

Greatly missed. A rare case of Hydrops took our son for reasons still unknown. Placed with his great grandparents (who we had named him after) who will help take care of him where he is.

Parents still in pain and shock over the change, in what was up to week 24, a completely normal pregnancy.


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## Whittliz

5/20/07 11 weeks & 4 days








8/19/07 4 weeks & 3 days

Your dad and I miss you!


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## bkkuiper

I have PCOS, and our first child was conceived with the aid of clomid. It did such a number with my emotions that I decided next time I would try herbs to help me ovulate or nothing at all. We were scared, but excited to find out on 5/17 that we were pregnant again. I had a feeling from the beginning, though, that something was not right with this pregnancy. One week later on 5/25 I began to bleed...at first just lightly, but then a little heavier. I was passing small clots, but nothing more--not even cramping. We told our families that I had begun to miscarry. On 5/27, I passed what I thought to be the gestational sac. We were mourning our loss, but we were at peace. I called the next day to make a follow up appointment with my OB to make sure that I had passed everything and wouldn't need a D&C.

On 5/30, we went in for an u/s. The doc looked around for a while and said, "Well, from what I can see, everything looks okay." I said, "so I DID pass everything over the weekend." He said, "No, you're still pregnant." We were speechless! He turned the screen around and showed us the baby's heartbeat. He said it was just below the desired 100bpm, but the growth was spot-on for my LMP, so he was cautiously optimistic. We left his office and made an appontment for a week later. I finally stopped bleeding a couple of days later. I never did pass anything else.

We went in yesterday 6/7 for our second ultrasound, and discovered that the baby is completely gone--as in no trace that it was even there. He said I had a perfectly non-pregnant looking uterus. He was looking around everywhere for the baby--even my abdominal cavity to see if it had somehow become ectopic. There wasn't even a trace of blood where the placenta had been attached. We could tell that he felt terrible. He had been hoping that the baby would survive too.

We decided to name our son Elijah Joseph. We chose this name for a couple of reasons. First of all, dh (and a couple of other people) felt from the beginning that this baby was a boy. The other reason is the way the baby was there one day and gone the next, without my passing anything, and the doctor said he couldn't have been absorbed. You might think it crazy, but Ben and I believe that God just took the baby--just like He did Elijah in 2 Kings (but without the flaming chariot...we DO still have a LITTLE of our sense of humor). The doctor didn't have any other explination for it, and
neither do we.

His middle name comes from the Old Testament account of Rachel in Genesis 30. Rachel, for whatever reason, was infertile--a very difficult burden to bear in those days (in these days too...). Anyway, God finally allowed her to get pregnant, and she gave birth to a baby boy.

23 She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." 24 She named him Joseph, [God will increase] and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."

God promised children to us a few years ago. Our prayer is that of Rachel's--that God would add to us another son or daughter.

We are at peace knowing that because of God's grace, he is in heaven with all those gone before him, waiting for the day he'll get to meet his family face to face. We will still wonder why, but we know that God is soverign and that this is for His glory and our good. And in HIS time (not mine), we will try again, most likely with Clomid this time. I don't think my eggs can do the job without a little help.

We love you, Eli.


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## jjujju

This thread is so sad and beautiful.

Loss at 9 weeks, June 9 2005

Loss at 5 weeks, June 20, 2007

My living child has two guardian angels waiting for us all in heaven.

eunbiumma


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## sunflwrmoonbeam

To my first, lost at 4 and a half weeks (EDD 8/8/07): So many denied your presence, but I knew you were there. Even in your short time, you taught me so much about myself, and through losing you, I learned so much more. Who would have thought such a small person could touch me so much so soon.

To Squishy, lost at 7 weeks (EDD 1/5/08): You were my hope, and losing you was the most painful experience of my life. You will always be remembered. I can't say any more than that right now...


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## PixieLittle

To our little Baby D, who left us at 14 weeks (6/19/07).

You were our first and we were so much looking forward to meeting you - you will always have a place in our hearts.

Love,
K, J, L & P


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## kblackstone444

I don't know if I fit in here-

My niece was miscarried at 16 weeks in July of 2005. Her name was Marianna. She's always in my heart.


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## Gray's Mommy

Our sweet little baby who never fully formed...we discovered your life in October 2005, found out we lost you right before Christmas 2005. I labored with your birth at 17.5 weeks after an induction at home with cytotec. My comfort was that you were born on the same day as your great-grandmother's death.


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## crystaldawn

For baby Halyn... EDC was 1/17/08... Incomplete m/c that ended finally with a d&c after 5.5wks of waiting...I'm sure that my body was in denial and truely was doing what it was supposed to do... it kept you safe for 12w1day. I find myself still calculating how many weeks I am... What you would be like if you were still inside me... I think of you everyday and although my life has continued on, something has changed inside my heart. To me you are perfect and I loved you from the very first "twinge" of pregnancy, the very first faint positive. You were my baby for a short time and although I will never hold you in my arms, you are in my heart forever!!


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## catpurplestar

I lost my Lydia Marie on March 25 2007. She was still born exactly 3 months from her due date. The thing I remember the most was sitting in the hospital room when the nurse told us she couldn't find a heartbeat. I remember the lights were dimmed and Jason and I just held on to each other and cried. I think I can honostly say it was the worst moment of my life. I love her and miss her, and can't wait till I can see her again!


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## anika6880

I lost my first baby son, Jack Charles, on 7/30/07 at 27 weeks. We are so sad and devastated, it was so sudden. He was due on October 24, and I had just been to the doctor on Friday. We heard his heartbeat and thought everything was going normally, then he just stopped moving. On Sunday, lying on the exam table with the nurses prodding my abdomen for his heartbeat, our worst nightmare came true. The doctor confirmed Jack had passed away after an ultrasound. We still don't have any answers, even though I've been calling the doctor's office. Nobody can tell us any cause of his death.

Jack, I think of you every minute...you never leave our hearts. We love you so much and wish you were here with us.

Anika, wife to Tim, mommy to Jack, our angel baby


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## jl22martin

Sawyer Scott
Stillborn at 22 wks. He weighed 11.4 oz and was 9 3/4 in.
Cause unknown. We miss him everyday and eagerly wait for our reunion.
I know the pain you all feel and I'm so sorry for your losses.


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## loriforeman

i lost my first in april 1993 at around 12 weeks. cause was listed as incomplete healing from the trauma from my first child. november 1993, i lost the second...and then in may of 1994, the third. all three were around three-four months gestation...and all three passed relatively easily.

my fourth was in november 1994...and i ended up with a d&c from the hemmorhaging.

almost lost the next...bed rest the entire time...but now i have four girls. some questions as to whether there's a genetic cause for the miscarriages...

early this year, my daughter lost a child. i wish i had done as she did...she returned to the hospital and picked up her baby (16 weeks) and brought him home to be buried in the family plot. she named him "william" and had a W tattooed over her heart.


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## mom2angels

I am new to all this but so far this has been the only site that has helped me during my grieving time. My first loss was my son at 20 weeks gestation. I was 20 years old and he had triple chromosome 21. The doctor's had given us the choice of continuing the pregnancy or terminating it. Cecil was already so sick that had we gone full term with him he wouldn't have made it so we felt we had no choice but to terminate. I delivered him naturally (after being induced) and his arrival was August 25, 2004. We had him creamated, but no service as he was too small. He weighed 250 grams and was 11 inches long. We named him Cecil Keith. Just before Christmas of last year we got pregnant again. When we made it past the 20 weeks gestation, we thought we were safe and everything was okay. Turns out the doctor missed something and our daughter was stillborn on August 18, 2007. She had already been gone for 24-48 hours prior to going into labour. She weighed 4 lbs 14.5 oz and was close to 20 inches long. We held a small funeral service for her on August 25, 2007. She too was cremated. So, these are my memories of my firstborn children. When given the option of seeing your baby and having pictures and whatever memories you can take with you (if any), it really does help in the grieving process. At the age of 23 I know that m/c and stillbirth are the hardest things to have to go through. No matter how far along you are it still cuts like a knife.

Loving memory of: Cecil Keith Collins ~ August 25, 2004
Loving memory of: Taysha Elizabeth Collins ~ August 18, 2007


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## gassadi

I'm thankful for my boys and miss my angel baby.

Thank you, Mamas, for sharing your stories.


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## heidsz

Yesterday it has been 2 months since my son Chase was born stillborn. I lost him at 38 weeks and just had an appointment 5 days before with an ultrasound and stress test. All were normal. We still are not sure what happened, nothing was remarkable on the autopsy. I am still waiting for my bloodwork to come back for possible clotting factors, but my OB thinks it was just a fluke.

I still feel like I have a hole in my heart. He looked like a perfect little angel. Just wanted to post about him. It is the hardest thing to have gone through that is for sure.

Take care,
Heidi


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## PrayinFor12

We have a tiny daughter. I carried her for a little over 3 weeks -she left in July 2007.

My favorite memory of her is dh falling out of bed during her last days. I like to think it happened b/c she kicked him before she lost the chance.









In my mind, she's now about 2 or 3 years old and sitting in God's lap giggling. She has curly red hair and bright blue eyes. And she loves talking to God, "My Mommy and Daddy are coming!"

I miss her terribly, but I'm so proud to be her mommy.


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## normajean

Baby girl Leila, died at 13.5 weeks, 5/3/2003.
Baby unknown gender (girl?), died at 6 weeks 12/7/2003.
Baby boy, unnamed, died at 15 weeks, 9/12/2007.

Leila is very clear in my mind, between my son & my daughter. She has blonde hair. She is 4 1/2 years old.

Baby #2 I believe was my daughter who was born 10/28/2004. I believe she waited for the a body that could carry her spirit in a healthy life.

The only mental picture of Baby Boy is that of his poor body after he died. I haven't formed any dream images of him yet, or of what he is like.


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## clarkwuf

We lost our child, Joseph, at 8 weeks 5 days in a ruptured ectopic. He was due May 4, 2008.


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## momoftworedheads

Hi all,

Our baby passed at 14 weeks. I had the baby yesterday (at 15.5 weeks), we had the baby baptized, the FD came to pick up the remains.

We named the baby today. The name is Avery Quinn. I think it is a lovely name. I miss our sweet angel! I believe we will meet again.

We do not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. So we picked a name that would sound good for a boy or a girl.

We will buy a plot and have the ashes buried at a later point. Right now I am just mourning the loss of this beautiful life.

hugs and prayers,


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## jeffsdear

Thanks for posting all your stories. They have been very meaningful to me.
My first loss occured after my third child. I only carried her six weeks... As I started to lose her, I saw a little blonde girl on the beach in a sundress playing in the sand, and she was waving goodbye to me. So I named her Anika.
The next angel baby was in October 2006, after my fourth child. I hadn't expected to be pregnant, and when I realized I was, I was very angry and upset. I lost the baby a week later.
Then I found out on February 14, 2007 that I was pregnant, which was practically an immaculate conception... I was extremely surprised, but the idea grew on me. We finally starting telling people when I was 11 weeks along, and she died the next week on March 21, 2007. We named her Julia and buried her in the memorial garden at church. We hadn't really wanted more kids, but after Julia left us, I started pining for a baby. My husband and I didn't agree on this, but he starting thinking about the possibility.
But before we ever made a decision, we found out we were pregnant again! Due February 14, 2007, a year after finding out we were expecting Julia...
I was very excited, and felt really great. I didn't tell anyone, even my husband until almost 12 weeks, at which point most strangers could see I was pregnant.
Everything was going great until last week, when I started having contractions and pain like from a UTI. This didn't really concern me, because I always have Braxton Hicks early and strong. But, sadly, I gave birth to Angelika Joy on Oct. 4 (just a week before Julia's due date). She died shortly after birth. She was tiny for her gestational age - 90 grams (about 3 oz.) and 15 cm (about 6 inches). The placenta however was very healthy, so she must have had some problems.
I am trying not to dive into insanity right now... The pain is awful, although physically I'm fine, unlike with Julia where I almost died from hemorrhaging.

Sadly, I had already amassed $8000 hospital bills for Julia, as I am self-employed and uninsurable. So I bet we'll double that now...

Thanks for your support!


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## marieangela

It's been almost six years since I lost my first child-Isabella Marie. I cried for her on my way to work this morning. It surprising, in a way, how strongly the feelings can rush back after so long. First we found out there was some kind of brain abnormality at my 18 1/2 week u/s (the first one I had). Then we learned that it was a very severe case of amniotic banding syndrome, Instead of losing a finger, the skull, brain and a good part of the face structure weren't able to form due to an amniotic band. Then we found out about the heart condition (hypoplastic left heart syndrome, I believe). Both abnormalities made it impossible for our child to live for long outside of the womb if she made it to term. We chose to terminate. We later found out that she had turner's syndrome, as well. That was how we found out she was a girl. It was all so random and apparently the amniotic banding would have happened in the first 25 days according to one of the doctors. We were both devastated. I have since had my two beautiful, healthy boys, but there is always a special place in my heart for Isabella.


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## gadivapeach72

i want to remember baby lila. she was born and became an angel on this past sat (oct 20th) this was my coworker's baby. he and his wife had been trying to conceive for yrs. the wife had already had several miscarriages and this was the furthest she had carried a baby.







(she was due in 2-3 wks)

may they receive blessings and mercy from above.


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## momoftworedheads

:Today is one months since I got the news from the Dr that Avery no longer had a heartbeat. I was doing a little better until yesterday when I realized that today was the 25th and it has been a whole month already.

I have my sweet girl's ashes and I need to decide what I am going to do with them. I miss her terribly. I miss her moving around, I even miss the nausea....

Thanks for reading.

Take care,


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## preemiemamarach

I feel compelled to post here today.

My son, Lucien, now four months old, started out his life inside of me with a twin. A friend predicted the twin's existence at around 6-8 weeks, even though I had no family history of multiples (I'm tall, though, which apparently can be a factor). Later the night of my friend's prediction, I started bleeding. A trip to the ER revealed one healthy baby and one with no visible heartbeat. Since it was possible I ovulated twice (long story), we waited until my next ultrasound to see what would happen. I bled heavily at 14 weeks, and my OB confirmed I had miscarried one baby.

We were shocked when we found out about the second baby, and scared. When we found out the baby was definitely gone, I had mixed emotions- my son was born 7 weeks premature as a singleton because of my medical problems, so twins may not have survived long enough to even be viable.

I feel very strongly that you were a girl, and that you knew that the best chance your brother could have would be if you left me. You gave him the gift of life, and one day when he's much older, we'll tell him about you.

We would have called you Daria.


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## joanq

My little star was lost at 9 weeks at home on 10/29/07, my family was with me and it was a powerful, emotional experience that I will never forget.


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## cubasianchica

I lost my first... my daughter earlier this year on 3/16/07. I was almost 21 weeks. She was diagnosed with Anencephaly. She was stillborn. Its very sad because I had to say goodbye before I said hello. I had SO many dreams for her. I didnt even know it was a girl until she was born. I wish I would have held her longer. I wish I would have talked to her more. This might sound weird to some but I had the strongest desire to undress her and just see her for who she was and what I created. I wanted to even make sure she was a girl, I only took the drs word for it...but that never happened. I wish I would have saved a lock of her hair and taken more pictures. Unfortunately I cant change that. I treasure every time I felt her move and ever ultrasound where I saw her moving around and every appointment where I got to hear her heartbeat. I am pregnant with #2... a boy now and I look forward to telling him all about his big sister. She was GORGEOUS! Im not just saying that either. at 21 weeks gestation you really dont expect much in regards to beauty and features and all that but she already looked just like me. My dr even told me how beautiful she was. I will always remember my angels face.


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## leslieo77

Hi everyone!

I wanted to post this because I like to share. I found out my baby was dead on November 27th and I delivered today November 29th. I had a boy and he looked like his dad...big hands and feet. I had pictures taken and got a memory box that had the braclets and stuff. It hurt very much but i am taking it pretty good. His name is Douglas Owen Jr named after his daddy. Everything went well but I rather never have that happen again.


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## marieangela

I'm sorry for your loss Leslie. I just lit a candle for my baby girl, Isabella. I lost her 6 years ago today.


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## heatherweh

I held my baby in my body and in my hopes and dreams for 9 weeks. Tonight our baby went to heaven. We will plant a tree tomorrow and bury the abby beneath it. I will put this in the little box with the remains.

Dear Angel Baby,

We want you to know how much we love you and miss you. For nine weeks I held you little body in mine. You never graced this world with your presence, but you were already loved by so many. Your nana and papap cried with joy when they knew of your existence. Your daddy loved you already and began worrying about you right away, which is what he does. I found out that you were there and got on my knees and thanked God for you, my little miracle. You would have loved your older brother Caleb and he would have loved you. We are so sad we can't hold you in our arms or cover you with kisses. You can't be in my arms, but our mother earth will hold you in her arms. Sleep well my darling. Someday when we get to heaven we will rejoice at seeing you, our littlest angel, until then you will be missed.

Love,

Mommy


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## cubasianchica

im so sorry for all your losses... there are no words. You will meet your little ones again some day.


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## Pinkdilla

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leslieo77* 
Hi everyone!

I wanted to post this because I like to share. I found out my baby was dead on November 27th and I delivered today November 29th.

I'm so sorry for your loss!


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## Pinkdilla

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heatherweh* 
I held my baby in my body and in my hopes and dreams for 9 weeks. Tonight our baby went to heaven. We will plant a tree tomorrow and bury the abby beneath it. I will put this in the little box with the remains

Mommy

My heart goes out to you!


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## Pinkdilla

It has been one month since my D&C but the baby was dead for at least a month before that, I was around 8-10weeks when I started bleeding. I am still bleeding now so it has been a long 2 months and it has really put a strain on Hubby and me. I feel so bad for my kids, age 2 and 7 because their loving and really active mom turned into a very worn out and tired person and they don't even know what has happened. I just couldn't tell them. My husband and I had tried to pick out a name so we will hopefully have one to cherish for her. I know that she is in Heaven with her older brother Gaelyn, who would be 8 now.


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## harpreet

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pinkdilla* 
It has been one month since my D&C but the baby was dead for at least a month before that, I was around 8-10weeks when I started bleeding. I am still bleeding now so it has been a long 2 months and it has really put a strain on Hubby and me. I feel so bad for my kids, age 2 and 7 because their loving and really active mom turned into a very worn out and tired person and they don't even know what has happened. I just couldn't tell them. My husband and I had tried to pick out a name so we will hopefully have one to cherish for her. I know that she is in Heaven with her older brother Gaelyn, who would be 8 now.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my 5 day old daughter Sonia in October and so I know what you must be going through.......


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## cdmommie

Loss September 2007
Loss February 2008

My sister lost her dd December 2007. She was 24 weeks and had to have a full anesthisia emergency C-Section because she was septic. She ordered DNR for the baby because she did not want her to suffer. The Doctor brought Madeline, 1 lb 3 oz to my mother and I directly after birth. She died 2 hours later in my arms. My sister woke up about 15 minutes after Madeline had passed.

I wrote this poem in memory of our precious little ones:

Forget Me Not

I hear your echo,
"Forget me not"
I hear your plea,
"Keep me in prayer and thought"

I never looked into your eyes
I never knew the sound of your cries.

But I felt you.
I loved you.

You were my world,
If only for a moment in time.
I was yours
And you were mine.

Remember me my little one.
I'll hold you again someday.
When my life here is done
I'll be on my way.

I miss you my child
I'll hold your memory near.
I love you my child
I truly wish you were here.

Dedicated to our little ones in heaven


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## shannjane

Loss July 2007 birthdate Jan 2008
Loss October 2007 birthdate May 2008
Loss February 2008 Birthdate September 2008

Having trouble handling the third one all were lost in the 7-9 wk period, but were not noticed until 2-3wks after. Had one D&C and the others were induced.


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## ArtistMama28

His/Her name is Loren.

We're planning a burial in our backyard, and I'm getting a tattoo with a small flowerbud on a vine.

I'm considering dedicating a part of my new business to making memorials or plaques for lost loved ones. If you have time, visit www.bookerstreet.com and take a short survey to help me decide if this is a good idea.

I'm glad I had the time I did with my baby. The world looks the same, my body is going back to normal, but everything is different because Loren was here.


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## freestyler

Hello Little Angel,

I love you so much, and I miss you so much. I cannot wait to see you again someday, with the angels where you are now. I wish we could have held you and met you and kissed you. I wish you could have seen a sunset and a sunrise, and met your older sisters and brother. They would have loved you so much.

I treasure the three months you lived inside of me, and I treasure the first and only time I got to see your heartbeat on the ultrasound. I wish I could hold you inside of me forever, but now I have let you go, body and soul. You must rest now wherever you belong in the universe. Were you a girl or a boy? We'll only know you as our little angel.

Please visit me in my dreams often. Please come to me in my dreams now and then for the rest of my life, so I can still tell you I love you more than the universe is wide.

Our little Angel. Began life December 2, 2007. Mom let you go finally on February 20, 2008. We miss you so much.


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## Kayda's Mom

You are our little star in the heavens who brought so much joy into our lives for the short time you were with us.
I found out I was pregnant on Ukrainian Christmas Eve. One of the traditions that night was to look to the sky for the first star. We sat down for dinner but I couldn't eat because I was schedule for a MRI. Your father came with me to the hospital for the test. They took me into the waiting room and asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I said I didn't think so as I didn't feel great and was sure I would have my period the next day. The tech refused to do the MRI and I was sent away and told to come back when I tested myself. I made your Tato (father) drive me to the drug store for a test. I then made him take me to McDonalds so I could do the test in their washroom. We then drove by your great grandmothers to look at the result. Postive! I wanted to be sure so Tato took me to the walk in clinic. There we got the big fat postive! Yay!
We then went back to dinner where your whole family were waiting. We surprised them with our news. We couldn't have had a better Christmas present.
Your Tato and I had some big decisions to make. We immediately looked for a mini van. I was going to be a proud soccer mom! We also bought a lot to build a house on as we were going to outgrow ours soon. Your first couple of months were a whirlwind of decisions and activity. During that time your sister Kayda turned one and your other sister Quinn said she hoped you were a girl. I secretly hoped you were too. I assured Quinn that even if we had a "stinky boy" that us girls would still outnumber the boys in the house.
We grew more and more excited every day and your Tato began to talk to you and call you by your girl name we had picked out. I teased Tato everyday that you were twins. It was fun to make Tato sweat.
At 12 weeks I felt like I had made it through the tough times. Then at 13 weeks I started bleeding and we found out we had lost you.
Family and friends have been a big support. Father also came to see us. I was worried you would be a lost soul and not accepted by God. Father assured me you were with God and that you had a soul from the moment you were conceived. Father said a prayer for you and also a prayer to end my suffering. It helped us a lot. I still worry you are in heaven and lonely and scared. Father assured me this isn't the way it is because you were never born and have nothing to be scared of. I still wish I could comfort you and you me.
I love you so much my little pinto bean. We had such great plans for you.
We miss you. You are very much loved by us all and we will forever hold you in our hearts. Your Tato and myself will never be the same.
Zirka Joy..we were connected by body, mind and spirit and that will never change. xoxoxo my little one.


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## fenix

I never thought it would happen to me. The loss of a child is something my mind could not fathom. I grieved at the losses of others and cried for them and their little ones. Now I find myself with my own little angel who is in Heaven instead of growing inside my belly. We had just really decided to go for it in ttc #3 and amazingly enough got pregnant on our first try. We were shocked. I didn't feel the same symptoms as with my other 2, but I definitely had those pregnancy hormones pumping and I was starving. I found out I was pregnant at 3w6d. At 6w1d, I woke up and found spotting. By the start of the evening I was bleeding red and early the next morning passed some tissue. I kept looking to see if I could see anything that would tell me my baby was gone, but I saw nothing. Now I know that I was really miscarrying then. I kept hope that babe was still inside growing within me for a week longer until a nearly negative hpt told me otherwise. I still can't quite wrap my brain around it. Babe was due the day before Halloween, how wonderful that would have been. I also felt strongly that it was a girl. I even saw a vision of her - a happy, smiling 5 or 6 year old, bouncing up and down so excited and happy that I was seeing her. She had brown hair that was in two braided pigtails on the sides of her head. I could feel her as she came up to my right side and snuggled into my shoulder, head, and neck. She nestled into me 2 times. I felt her. There was no mistaking it. Now I don't know what to think. It pains me beyond my ability to cope that I may never have this child, be able to hold her, see her smiling face, braid her beautiful hair. I just pray that she comes back to me, to us, to be a part of our family so we may love her and be her companions. I keep trying to feel her around me and talk to her, but I have yet to get another response. I miss her. I miss you dear little one, please come back to us when it is time.

My heart goes out to all of you who have felt this pain, who have lost a child. I send you all prayers of love and healing, and hold your hand in friendship and companionship.


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## annieskry

My angel Benjamin Joseph was born January 20, 2008. 1 lb. 13 oz. 13 inches long at 25 weeks. Even small enough to barely hold onto my husband's wedding ring in the palm of his hands he was a fighter. He tried his best for four days in the NICU but it was an uphill battle. Mommy couldn't keep him growing and getting stronger and neither could the machines. January 23, 2008 we lost our sweet little baby boy while he lay in our arms. I know he is up there in my grandma's arms, making my brother in law smile and keeping my grandpa laughing. He will be with me always.


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## Devaskyla

Quote:

I also felt strongly that it was a girl. I even saw a vision of her - a happy, smiling 5 or 6 year old, bouncing up and down so excited and happy that I was seeing her. She had brown hair that was in two braided pigtails on the sides of her head. I could feel her as she came up to my right side and snuggled into my shoulder, head, and neck. She nestled into me 2 times. I felt her. There was no mistaking it. Now I don't know what to think.
Personally, I'd take that as a sign that she'll come back to you.








I'm so sorry for everyone losses.


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## fenix

Thank you Devaskyla. I hope you are right.

Hugs and blessings to all of you. I'm so sorry for your losses.


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## oscarsmomma

Honoring my son Oscar Ramon, s/b @ 38 weeks on August 2, 2005. We miss you so much baby boy.


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## MommaHeather

We have a different kind of relationship style. My baby had two daddies. None of us were expecting to get pregnant, although partner A had been hoping I would for a long time.

I've been told (and had tests confirmed) that my hormones are all out of whack and I had low this high that and couldn't get pregnant. So, toward the end of February I started getting suspicious. My period is very irregular, so its hard to tell even into the 50 days if it is just late or whatnot.

In the beginning of March I tell my partners. There is a lot of confusion, how did this happen (mostly from me) and both Partner A and J were so supportive during the whole time.

One of the funnies... is that while I was pregnant, my cat Luna lays around my belly, and I was a little concerned that when my baby would be born, that it would think Luna (the purrer) was his mommy.

So, I started bleeding March 20, 2008, and on March 23 (easter sunday) I went into full labor (at home) and gave birth to Luz at just 73 days old.

Partner A was with me the whole time, but Partner J was unaware of what was going on till afterwards. I called him after I was able to call him and told him what had happened. He was on his way.

I had taken out scarves prior to Partner J coming, trying to decide on a scarf to wrap the baby in. A friend of mine stopped over to give me some pain medicine. I asked her if she would like to see my baby, and she did. So, I asked her to pick out a scarf. (I had him in a dish in the bathroom, as I had nothing else to place him in at the time). She picked out the scarf, and I asked her to wait in the living area space and I gently got him out of the dish and wrapped him in the scarf. I placed it on the table, and gently unwrapped the scarf to show her. Then she left, and Partner J arrived.

Partner J came over and we all comforted each other and talked about what we wanted to do to honor our baby. We had decided on burying him and burning the scarf. Before we went outside, I cut three corners of the scarf so that we could each keep a piece in his memory. I carried the baby in the scarf, and J brought out the sage. J started burning the sage, and A dug the earth. Then I placed the baby in the earth's bed. A said some words of respect and love to our baby. Then I burned the scarf and used the ashes as a blanket for the baby. A gave our baby the name Luz. Then we buried him and said our silent goodbyes.

That is how we did it. I go outside still, and tell Luz that I love him and wish him wellness.

OH, and this morning (cause this ceremony happened last night) there was a dusting of snow over our lawn, which all melted by afternoon. I felt like it was mother earth / nature / etc blessing our ceremony.


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## jessicasocean

My darling little boy was stillborn on January 30,2008. He was the most perfect little man I have ever seen, all ten fingers all ten toes. The most beautiful face, just like my daughters. I am having such a difficult time with losing him. There is not a minute in the day that I do not think of him. I dream of him, I sometimes think that I will wake up from this nightmare... but I never do. I miss you so much my sweet boy!


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## ChildoftheMoon

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessicasocean* 
My darling little boy was stillborn on January 30,2008. He was the most perfect little man I have ever seen, all ten fingers all ten toes. The most beautiful face, just like my daughters. I am having such a difficult time with losing him. There is not a minute in the day that I do not think of him. I dream of him, I sometimes think that I will wake up from this nightmare... but I never do. I miss you so much my sweet boy!

Just wanted to send you some hugs mama








I know your pain.


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## DreamsInDigital

Willow Rebecca was due October 6th, 2008. Unfortunately, she was born April 5th, 2008 at 13 weeks and a few days. Her tiny little body was only about 1 1/2 inches long but I could easily see all ten of her perfect fingers and all ten of her tiny toes.
We went to a nursery today and bought a willow to honor her memory.

No matter how many children we have in the future, there will always be a hole in my heart for my missing baby, my tiny little Willow.


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## LuluMama

Thank you, Floatie.
12/18/2006


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## joanq

I had my second loss on 3/28/08. I went to the ER and was diagnosed with an Ectopic pregnancy at 4 weeks 5 days. I was treated with methotrexate injection to end the pregnancy.
It has been a very rough 2 weeks, I continue to be dizzy and weak and fatigued. I am sad, but the worst part is that it is making me grieve my previous loss (10/07) even more. I think about how I should have been 33 weeks now, and went through that whole process again. Now I have more dates to get through and I am very worried about my ability to become pregnant and/or have another baby.
It just stinks right now.


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## SpokrunchyCon

Miscarried at 6 wks in June 2007, my first and (thus far) only pregnancy. DH who is wonderful in so many ways can't understand why it makes me sad when I had only known I was pregnant for a week. We weren't trying but would have loved and cared for our unexpected blessing. So I mourn silently every now and then, wondering what life would be like with a 2 month old right now. I love hubby and wish he understood. To me a child is a child no matter how many cells they have, so I wonder sometimes if I have a dear sweet soul to meet in heaven.


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## roxy21

I lost my much loved, wanted, and planned first baby to miscarriage at 14 weeks. I found out at my routine appointment on December 4th, 2007 that the baby had stopped growing at 12 weeks and there was no heartbeat to be found. I left with my own heart broken. Several months later I am still trying to make sense of something that I will never have a satisfactory explaination for. I am scared but ready to try again.

You will never be forgotten and always be missed.


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## marieangela

My heart goes out to everyone here with recent and not so recent losses. Tomorrow (April 25th) marks the 6 year anniversary of when my first child (Isabella Marie) was due. I lost her 5 months before she was due and will always remember when my first baby was due to be born.


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## Cuddlebaby

Our very GORGEOUS Micah Zachary was 10 pounds 10 ounces and was bornstill one day before his due date. Caught @ home by his Daddy. in the place where the love is that made him. We are all still so sad and can't wait for the resurrection so we can hold and nurse him and see if those strawberry curls stick









We love you Micah.


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## Cuddlebaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessicasocean* 
My darling little boy was stillborn on January 30,2008. He was the most perfect little man I have ever seen, all ten fingers all ten toes. The most beautiful face, just like my daughters. I am having such a difficult time with losing him. There is not a minute in the day that I do not think of him. I dream of him, I sometimes think that I will wake up from this nightmare... but I never do. I miss you so much my sweet boy!

*empathizing*

pm me.


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## gratefulbambina

I don't think I replied here. Our son Francis Michael was born still on January 16, 2008. I live moment to moment now. As soon as I start to feel ok something knocks you back to reality. I miss him very much and a part of me will be missing forever.


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## Laws04

My first miscarriage I was 12 weeks.
I had another miscarriage at 16 weeks. We lost our little girl, Jennifer Marie. She had Downs Syndrome and the doctors believe that's why we lost her. It was very difficult. We lost her at home and my then one year old was home with us. Thank God our neighbors took him so we could go to the hospital. I hate that we had to be at the house with my son there.
We had another miscarriage shortly after at 6 weeks.


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## Cuddlebaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I don't think I replied here. Our son Francis Michael was born still on January 16, 2008. I live moment to moment now. As soon as I start to feel ok something knocks you back to reality. I miss him very much and a part of me will be missing forever.

I know how you feel. I am so sorry *with* you.


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## Pookietooth

I lost my third pregnancy at 6 weeks, would have been my second child. I had a D & C at 7 weeks because my body did not pass the fetus. I will always miss the baby. I do hope to be able to conceive again and carry to term and give birth to a live, healthy baby.


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## Kelly Jene

My Charlie was taken too soon from me. He was in my tube and just couldn't find the womb. Charlie brought us such hope and joy. We will never forget him. But someday, I know we'll see him again.


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## par12199

My heart aches for my little girl. She was born still at 27 weeks on April 17, 2008. I cry for her daily and can't wait to see her again. I love you sweet girl, see you soon!

Melissa


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## moxielou

On Wednesday June 25, 2008 at 22 weeks, I had a severe placental abruption and my beautiful daughter Daisy was born at home; either still or gone soon after, I'm not sure.

She is and will always be deeply missed by me, her daddy, her amazing big sister Maeve and all her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.


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## DallasAnn

I lost my twins, Lillian Eilleen and Marshall Scott, February of this year. I would have had Irish Triplets if they had survived. Often times I wish I hadn't spent that week so angry that I was pregnant already before accepting and getting excited. That would have been one more week with them that I could have enjoyed.


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## roses25

Jayden Michael passed away on July 12, 2008 at 5 weeks and 2 days gestation. I had so many hopes and dreams for him. I will always remember him in my heart. I know that Jayden is now safe and happy with God in Heaven, and one day I will see him again.

Carolyn


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## RainbowEarthFaerie

We found out yesterday that our Lilith Andrea stopped developing 3 weeks ago. She had no heartbeat. I am waiting to pass her naturally so that I have a chance to see her.

ETA: I had to edit this because 4 days after I passed Lilith Andrea, I passed her twin that we didn't know about. We named her Flora Maribel.


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## caro113

I don't think I belong here, but I just want to put something here anyway, bc I know it would mean a lot to S/O and it's still to painful for him to talk to most people about it.

His daughter Whren and her mother Deanna were killed in a car accident three years ago. He still keeps D's pictures up in our room and we have one in the nursery for our daughter, who will be named after her angel-mommy and her big sister.

I'm not sure why is hurts me so much, as I never knew either of them, but for some reason I cry over it some times. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing this baby. I don't know. But I always looking for ways to honor them and help ease his pain .. and oddly enough .. help ease mine.


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## bc1995

We lost our baby girl Jordan at 13 1/2 weeks gestation. She was so tiny just 2 1/4 inches but looked beautiful and perfect. She was a suprise baby but very much wanted and loved. I long for the day I can see her again in heaven.


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## Dalene

For my infant son, Baker, born and died on April 3, 2008. Sadly, he did not survive his journey into this world. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and was 19.5 inches long. He had my chin, my husband's long fingers and big feet, and my mother's nose. We were surprised by his dark hair. He brought me joy with every wiggle and squirm as he grew in my belly. I miss my sweet dear baby every day. Please watch over your parents, little guy.

Mommy loves you.


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## MotherMama

I miss my babies so much tonight, I think it's a good time to post. I have always thought of posting before but this is the right time I believe.









My loss in March of 2008 ended at 13.5 weeks. His tiny little body passed at home, a little boy that I have known was to be named Finn since shortly after he was conceived. It was a sad and scary time in my life, but I felt fully bonded with him. I still feel him around me and there is a sense of joy in that. I fully feel like a mother to him.

My current loss in September of 2008 is that of baby I have no impression of gender or a specific name so I've been calling him/her Angel (generic but perfect). Angel's 7 week old body is still inside me as I wait to m/c and I struggle with being able to face this experience again. I don't want to let go, I don't want my time with Angel to end. I am so sad but also distant this time. I wish I knew why.
I do think that if there is a God and Heaven, it's a wonderful idea that my lost little ones might be together.

Words cannot describe how I feel about you two. I love you so much and just the thought of you both brings up the highest of joy and the lowest of saddness. You are forever in my heart and I truly will never forget you just as I wouldn't my living children. I love you now more than ever.


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## Fireflyforever

My first angel grew his wings on 9/10/07. I was just 6 weeks pregnant, had only known about the tiny being tucked under my heart for two weeks before beginning to bleed. By the time I had my U/S, there was no evidence he had been there ... except the ache in my heart. I am sure he was a boy and I call him Asher.

Four months later I conceived again. we waited until 12 weeks then shared the news with our 6 YO son and 4 YO daughter. We were so excited to be adding to our family and the children embraced their unborn sibling, christening my bump "Bobby Bingo". Everything seemed so good - it was a harder pregnancy than my others (am I getting old?) but uncomplicated and I threw myself into planning the birth I wanted for this last special addition - a home water birth after 2 previous ceasarians. We all suspected Bobby to be a boy but found it really hard to plan names of either gender. I found myself waking up on so many nights, crying with fear over a stillbirth. I put it down to having lost Asher just before or, maybe, because I knew many people thought my birthing plans to be a bit "out there". Now, I wonder if my intuition was stronger than I thought.

On 13th October, the day before my EDD (and the full moon) I started with surges. I didn't pay any attention at first, I had already had some prodromal labor the week before and expected to be a little late anyway. But by 1.30pm they were coming every 5 minutes. My dad looked after my 4 YO and collected my 6 YO from school. My DH returned from work and we waved the kids off to a sleepover at Grandma and Grandad's, hoping they'd be rushing back in the morning to snuggle their new baby brother or sister.

Things seemed to pick up very quickly (I had been a slow laborer in the past) and I retreated to the shower whilst DH assembled the birth pool and rang the m/w and our birth support partner. He also casually suggested the name Emma for a little girl out of the blue. I filed it away for later.

The m/w arrived and told me I was nearly there. I was loving wallowing in the pool. What followed was several hours of beautiful, companiable labor. At around 12.30am, we discovered I'd spent 2 and a half hours pushing against an anterior lip but with that gone, I prepared to welcome our baby. At 1.50, we transferred to the hospital - it wasn't supposed to be an emergency and the hospital staff greeted us with focus but not rush. At 2.20ish, our beautiful baby was born from me -a vba2c and an unexpected little girl ... Emma.

But she wasn't breathing - she never breathed and as her soul left us, she took a little of our hearts with us too. As I held her warm, sweet, perfect little body I told her daddy her second name was Faith.








Emma Faith, born sleeping 6 days ago, perfect and beautiful. 7lbs 4. I don't know how to be without you yet baby so I won't say goodbye right now.


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## gratefulbambina

Jill,







mama I'm thinking of you today.


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## jenbo25

Nevin John stillborn on October 14, 2008.

Our little angel is in heaven and always will be in our hearts!

Married to John







:Mother to Sidney Rian, 4







and to our little angel, Nevin John, stillborn on 10-14-2008


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## luluyogi

Our little angel Silas Orion Gallagher was born at home on Sept 25, 2008 and died 10 hours later. He was 9lbs 2oz and was 21 inches long. He stopped breathing during complications due to a shoulder dystocia birth. Thank you for giving me a place to honor him.

Our whole story is on my husbands blog - http://elmcitydad.wordpress.com/

I was told to come here from someone who posted a comment on our blog and I am so happy to have found you. This last month has been the worst of my life and through reading your stories, I know I am not alone.


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## lisa_nc

Dear Baby,

You left as a sweet golden dream that fades with the dawn and I find that golden dreams slip away as easily as sand through fingers.

I try to tell myself that it was peaceful, lucky even, that you were born to me in the quiet of our home--alone, in the dark of night. But there is nothing lucky in the small shell of love and hope on a cold tile floor. I should have done better for you, beautiful boy. You deserve more than this. I did not recognize you. I did not know how to love you on a floor or in a plastic container while I tried to scrub the blood from my legs. You were to be of milky haze at my breast; of first smiles, tree climbing, and laughter. You were never for any of this.

Baby boy, let it be enough that mine were the only hands that touched you in love. You deserve more than that, too. I'm sorry that instead of shouting and hiding you away, I gave you over to latex gloved hands and plastic buckets. Forgive me, baby. I should have done better by you. Forgive me for wanting to fill my womb with life again. Forgive me for wanting to dream another baby dream. It won't be you. It will never be you. I know you won't come back to me, my love. You will always be my third child. My second son. My body weeps for you with milk and tears. My heart aches for you.

Thank you, beautiful boy. Thank you for those last nudges. Four of them, swift and strong. Was this your farewell? Thank you for your perfect ears. Your tiny nose. Your lips. Your chin. And for ten fingers and toes. Thank you for your fingernails. Thank you for you. I wish that we had longer. I wish a mountain of wishes...an ocean--all of them for you. Thank you for speaking your name to me, Gavriel. Thank you a million times for everything that you are and everything that you should have been. I will try to make it enough so that I can embrace your brother and your sister and your dad instead of turning away from them. They deserve more.

The world seems full of should, but only one matters: You should have been. Instead there is an urn on my fireplace and vast emptiness in my heart. Help me say goodbye to you when I never said hello, baby.

I love you. Always.

Mom


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## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa_nc* 
Dear Baby,

The world seems full of should, but only one matters: You should have been. Instead there is an urn on my fireplace and vast emptiness in my heart. Help me say goodbye to you when I never said hello, baby.

I love you. Always.

Mom

Oh mama ... I am breaking my heart for you and for me and for all of us. You said perfectly the thing that has been causing me such pain. The should have beens are so so hard.

I'm so sorry


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## Maidenwisdom

Still dealing with how I should feel. The day after my 33rd birthday I found out there was no longer a heart beat. The baby was 20w, delivered from me (in all real senses of the word) on 10/16/08.


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## ~mermommy~

I will definately be writing a letter to my little one. I want to name her but I just can't bring myself to it. We had names picked out, but they don't seem to fit. Thanks ladies for your stories...


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## MarilynP

I have lost 2 babies...

Noah William - Born October 5th, 2006 at @ 23 weeks.. Died October 17th, 2006

Katelyn Mary - Stillborn on December 18th, 2007 at @ 19 weeks

this is a poem I wrote after Noah died...

Our own Little Angel
Way up in the sky
Watching over us
As the days go by...

You touched our hearts
In your own special way
We couldn't help but love you
And hoped you would stay...

But now you are in Heaven
And it's hard to say good-by
To our own Little Angel
Way up in the sky...


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## canuckgal

Due Oct 15, 2002
Returned to the Stars April 4, 2002 (12 weeks)

The only and first time I held you was to scoop you out of my toilet. There are so many things I recall...how I could see even perfect little fingers and toes and an upturned nose. Being wheeled to my room and seeing you still in that cold plastic container on the counter...a brief fleeting thought that I should take you with me, and haunted all these years later after I found out the day after that "no specimen went to the lab..." my baby went into the garbage and I had never said a proper goodbye or had your earthly shell to bury and rejoin the molecules and atoms of the cycles of life. Haunted by laying awake all night feeling a baby move inside me, and devastated when the final verdict came in the form of an empty screen for the ultrasound. Well meaning people saying all the things you shouldn't, like "you could always have another one". My 27 mo old toddler bringing me a kleenex and giving me a hug and a pat as I cried. Same with the midwife who listened to me for 2 hours at my final prenatal appointment after you passed on.

Funny how it still hurts after all these years. Most times it is in the recesses of my mind, but still comes back...caring for other women in my line of work with their own losses and shedding tears with them, seeing a 6 yr old and wondering who you would have been.

Journey well, my sweet baby...


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## mamacita angelica

Lucia Paz, born silently, December 22, 2008, at 38 weeks. Her due date is my birthday--January 4, 2009.

She was 6 lbs. 18.5 inches. With dark hair like her mami, blue eyes, like her Daddy, her sister Beatrice's beautiful red lips, and a perfect nose.

Ah, my sweet sweet girl, I miss you more each day.


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## yogal




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## muffinette

I'm thinking of you tonight, honey. Don't think that because we went on to have another child we've forgotten you. Sleep peacefully.


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## mama2Elisha

Wow, this a a good idea.
I have 2 boys, both born by c-section. Then in Oct 08 I got pregnant! We were so excited we told everyone right away. Then on Dec 7 (9weeks) I began bleeding slightly, no bright red so I thought I was ok. The next morning I was still feeling a little crampy, not a lot, I didn't think I was having a MC just maybe something was off. I went to the hospital I had an ultra sound and their was a heart beat! It was a little slow but my first son's was slow too that early in the pregnancy, so that didn't worry me. But she said the baby was only the size of a 6 week old baby, I thought that was weird. But still thought everything was ok. The Doc did a pelvic examine and didn't think he saw anything, maybe some tissue but he couldn't tell. He said just to go home and rest. So I did. My husband took the kids to his parents and he went to work for a little while. The cramping was getting really bad. But I still didn't think MC, I never though that would happen to me. So right when my husband got home with the boys I went to the bathroom and began passing tissue. 4 pieces. I believe it may have been twins. I began screaming for my husband and sobbing! I held it in my hands. I wish I could know if it were a boy or girl. I'm nervous about lossing more. It seems like once you have one you have more. I don't think I could take it.

Thanks for letting me talk,


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## Sarah05

i found out that i was going to have another child on dec 22 08. i was really happy and so was my son ( hes 3 years old) i started to bleed on jan 30 09 and it didnt go away i had bleeding with my son so i didnt think that anything bad was going to happen. but it did i lost my baby on feb 6 09 i miss my baby even thow i was only 11 week along. she will forever be loved and missed


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## GMum

Thank you so much for starting this thread. I would like to honour our five little angels:

Charlie, passed on Jan 10th 2007 (10 weeks)
Sam, passed on Feb 13th 2009 (7 weeks)
May, passed on May 1st, 2009 (9 weeks)
Joe, passed on August 21st, 2009 (8 weeks)
Thomas, passed on March 24th, 2010 (9 weeks)
Asha, passed on June 20th, 2010 (8 weeks)

I wish I got to hear your little voices; see you smile at your sister; sleep by your side and watch you grow. You are dearly loved and cherished and will forever remain in our hearts.

I am so sorry for all our losses here on this thread. Peace to you all and your loved ones.


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## truluv too

Our daughter was born still and silent on December 19th, 2007 at 37 weeks. She was 7lbs, 2 oz and was the spitting image of her daddy. We named her Piper Kristine.

She grew under my heart, now she grows in it.


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## mommykt

We lost our first baby at 5 1/2 weeks gestation. Although we were heartbroken, we tried to see it as a sign of hope because we didn't think we could conceive on our own (me--PCOS, DH--low sperm motility). We half-heartedly TTC again but were in the midst of job changes and a move. Our plan was to begin fertility tx in February 2009.

To our amazement, I started feeling nauseous on January 10, 2009, DH's 30th birthday. Three days later, our miracle was confirmed with a 74 HCG level on the day I missed my period which nearly tripled to 209 two days later. We told our overjoyed families and waited for our first ultrasound at 7 weeks.

7 weeks--heartbeat of 143!!!!!!!!! Had another U/S at 8 weeks due to a fall where I factured my elbow--strong heartbeat again. Seemed to be in the clear, so I shared our happy news with everyone.

Then, at 10 weeks, I started to spot slightly. Tried not to worry as it was very slight, looked like old blood. However, it got heavier and turned red the next morning. My doctor said, "Oh , it's probably nothing, but come in and get an ultrasound anyway." I know she was trying to ease my fears, and in most cases it isn't anything, but as a mental health professional I have such a problem with such statements being made when you can never be sure.

February 25, 2009 was the worst day of my life...hearing the words, "I'm afraid I don't have good news," from the u/s tech and knowing that the baby we had hoped and prayed for was gone took a part of my heart that will never be regained. After discussing the options and receiving guidance from a dear friend who has suffered similar losses, I decided to have a d and c the next day. I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my angel any longer...I feared it would destroy me emotionally. We also knew that it would give us the chance to find some answers since this was our second loss. After the surgery, we were told that there were abnormalities in the recovered tissue (not the baby) that indicated that our angel would not have grown to term.

I felt since we found out that I was pregnant that this child was a girl, and because we are having some further testing done, we will hopefully be able to know for sure. We had chosen the name Miranda Jeanne (like gene) for a girl, and this is how I will always think of this baby.

Some may not agree with our choice to have chromosomal testing done, but the only comfort I can find right now, a week after losing our second child, is that perhaps this child came into our lives so briefly to be a guadian angel to her younger siblings, so they can be born healthy.

Sweet Miranda Jeanne, Mommy and Daddy love you so very much and are grateful for the brief time you blessed our lives.


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## mom2my3boyz

I lost an angel baby at about 10 weeks in November 2007.


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## Catubodua

For Clementine -

Imagine my surprise at actually getting pregnant with you! We've been trying since Oct 2007 and I've never gotten a positive before now. Even this time, I didn't think it had happened since I didn't feel any differently.

How happy I was to get the positive on that pregnancy test!







: I kept all 6 of them that I did. And then we got great HCG numbers and I got to see your heart beating at 6 weeks!







I started calling you Clementine because the sac looked like a Clementine orange on the ultrasound. I was pretty sure that would be your middle name if you turned out to be a girl.

Your due date would have been 10/15/09. I don't know what happened between then and now, but I'm so sad you couldn't stay with me. I'm so glad I got to see you, even if it was for just a brief moment. That image will stay in my mind forever. I'm really angry at myself that I didn't take a picture of you after all.

I'm trying to work up the courage to get a tattoo in your memory. It'll be a little shamrock since you passed on St. Patrick's Day.


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## ChichosMama

Matthew Burish Lettieri Jr who was born at approximately 18 weeks gestation in San Diego, California at the UCSD Medical Center, Hillcrest on March 18, 2009 at 5:05pm and passed away two and a half hours later. He lived on mommy's breast and in daddy's arms. You will live forever in our memories, hearts and heaven.


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## LouisianaMomma

Our baby was lost 3/09 @ 8 weeks gestation. He was measuring only 6 weeks & had no heartbeat. He will forever be in our hearts.


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## ekblad9

I miscarried our twins on March 2, 2009. We named them Michael and Gabriella. Your brothers and sisters love and miss you so much. So do I. My heart aches to hold you. You will be forever in my heart. I know you are in heaven interceding for us. I love you.


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## jul511riv

My 3rd child.

Gone at 5.5 weeks.

April 8, 2009 miscarriage started.

I didn't realize it would hurt so bad. I never knew. I never thought it would happen to me.

Still bleeding (it's been 4 days). Wondering when this will end. Wondering why.

Feeling part of a sisterhood with all you ladies/mamas. I wish we weren't here. But I'm glad we are here for one another.

Thank you for your strenght. You are my lifeline right now.


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## Mom to E and A

Elise Renee
4/6/09
4:45 pm
36 weeks gestation
4lbs 1 oz
17 inches long

Forever in our hearts, we love and miss you so much!


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## MI_Dawn

William George
4/1/09
10:13 pm
39 weeks gestation
5lbs 4oz
18 inches long

Our beautiful boy, survived by a mother and father who loved and wanted him beyond measure and two sisters and two brothers who wanted very much to hold him.


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## girlygirl707

Since losing my little girl, I have been lurking on this board, reading everyone elses stories. Although I do not know any of you, just reading your stories helped me connect and start healing. On 4/3/09 I had noticed at work that I really had not felt the baby move that day. I am a teacher and we were on a field trip, so I figured I was just not paying attention. When I got home I still did not feel the baby move so I did all the typical things that usually made the baby active. I drank a glass of cold juice and laid down, I played the flashlight game and nothing...It was then I really started to panic and called the Dr. The Dr. told me to go to the hospital to get monitored. As soon as they had trouble finding the heartbeat, I knew...My husband stayed optimistic and was in denial. The ultrasound showed that the heart was not beating and the baby had passed. It all seems like a nightmare. They induced my labor and my sweet baby girl, Marissa Faith, was born on 4/4/09 at 11:22 a.m. She weighed 6lb 15 oz and was 20 in. long. The absolute most beautiful baby...We did not know if it was going to be a boy or girl; A surprise that helped me see the positive in labor. Although I knew the baby was gone, I wanted so bad to know what I was having, see their innocent face, and hold that baby in my longing arms. The doctor said the cord was too tight around her neck and body and that is why she passed...I trust my dr. but I can't seem but to wonder how and why. I keep wondering if we should had gotten the autopsy to ease our minds...I miss her so much. She was my first pregnancy and my entire life. I am trying to keep busy and move forward, as I feel lost as to what to do with all my time and love these days. My heart aches for any mother who has to endure a loss of their baby.


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## annawest

John Lawrence
born at 21.5 weeks on January 12, 2008
died peacefully a few minutes later
1 lb., 10 inches
our firstborn, always loved

Losing Johnny was the most devastating and traumatic experience of my life. My husband and I have since been blessed with a beautiful earth baby, born March 13, 2009. But not a day goes by that I don't think of and miss our sweet little angel baby.


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## Thalia

Just remembering the day we lost "little turtle", our first child: May 23, 2006, at 8 weeks gestation. We miss you and think about you and will never forget you, little one.


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## busymama7

Clara Jane Wells
June 12, 2004
7 lbs 4 oz
21 1/2 inches

Born still, peacefully at home.
www.clarajanewells.blogspot.com


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## becksteracious

I am currently loving and losing my little angel, Pepper. I found out yesterday that she couldn't find her way to where she was supposed to go and was growing in my ovary. In a few more days she'll be completely dissolved, but will be in my heart forever.


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## starshine1001

My third baby, gone at just 7.5 weeks on 6/19/09, our little Tadpole.


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## kt52484

I lost my first on 12-23-08 at 8 weeks. The doctors told us it was a blighted ovuum and that it had never really developed but it will always be my baby. I thought it was unreal and impossible to believe. My husband was and is amazing and we made it through and tried again. We were hopeful because before this miracle, we did not think we could conceive due to me having chemo.

When we found out we were pregnant again we were so happy yet cautious. I had bleeding in early (10 weeks) pregnancy, and we were sure I had miscarried again. An ultrasound was done and to our suprise we found out I had been carrying twins (possibly) and that one was now a blood clot but the other was healthy and vital with HB 156. We had several more u/s due to bleeding and he was always fine with HBs in ranging from the 150s-170s. At week 15, I had an u/s to check a cyst and was told that my water had broke and that there was no amniotic fluid. We were devastated! My little man still had a strong heartbeat and we were not willing to give up even with warnings of infections and scarring from the doctors. We watched closely and his heart stopped beating at week 17. On weeek 17+1 I was induced and gave birth to David Michael at 4:06am on 6-23-09. I held him and sang to him and said I was sorry and said goodbye. I didn't want to let go but I had to be rushed to surgery due to a retained placenta. I did not have enough time with my boy and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! I will never forget him, though he was so small (115g and 7 3/4 inches long).

Mommy and Daddy will love you forever!
"Baby don't worry, about a thing...Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."


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## RaelynsMama

What a beautiful thread about remembering and surviving, moving on but never forgetting. It's sad, but filled with strength. I lost my little one last night around midnight in the ER. I was almost 10 weeks. It was early, and I never thought it could ever happen to me, but now I realize it can happen to anyone for any reason. I saw him pass. He was so tiny, so fragile. I think I will be haunted by that image forever. I think I kind of knew the whole time. I would have these persistant and unbidden thoughts about miscarriage and bleeding which I would try to ignore and replace with thoughts about the pregnancy and the baby being perfectly healthy, growing and developing correctly, progressing normally.... but I guess I couldn't will him healthy.

The baby was a surprise, but so loved, and so wanted. I named him Michael Montgomery because I knew it was a boy. Michael after my brother that my mother's loss at 7 months and Montgomery after my great grandfather. I'm so distruaght the pain is so fresh. I'm not sure how to deal or move on, and yet I still need to be a mommy to my 18 month old. I'm trying so hard to be strong but the pain is so deep. I'm trying to see a higher perspective, I'm trying to gleen some positive out of this tradgedy. I have learned how much I value and love my wonderful DH... he has been so sweet and loving through this all. I'm having a hard time eating, sleeping, being... I'm trying to stay busy because it slightly helps with the physical and emotional pain. I can't focus on either if my hands and my mind are occupied.

I'm so sad. I miss my baby, but he will live on in my heart forever.
In memory of Michael Montgomery Richardson,
April 24, 2009 - July 1st, 2009 ~ 10 weeks old
We love you and miss you, and we will see you again someday, sweet baby.


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## Emerging butterfly

June 95--loss at 12 weeks
December 97-- loss at 13 weeks
April 22, 09 at a little over five months--loss of twin #1 Alexander, May 28th, 09 loss of twin #2 Simon
--will love you forever.
My third loss has hit me the hardest....the pain has been earth shattering.


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## LizaBear

Baby Jesse
Born on July 21st, 2009.
You stayed with me for 23 weeks, but you'd been an angel for some time already.
When you were born, you weighed only 3.9oz. Nobody measured you, but I'd guess you were about 6 or 7 inches.

Three weeks have passed, and not a moment goes by you're not in my thoughts.


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## greenwoman2006

Persephone was born still at home on June 4th, 2009.

There had been a thunderstorm (we do not get those often in Oregon), followed by a tornado warning (we never get those). And then she was born. The world was dark and still.

It is still very difficult, but my family is lucky in good friends and family. My 4 y.o. daughter is doing well now, I think because I talk to her, and try to answer all of her questions.

My heart goes out to all mamas and dads who have suffered the loss of a child, at any age.


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## baglady

We lost our first on June 19, 2007 at 8 weeks gestation. What a wonderful thread. I never want my little guy to be forgotten. (In my heart I feel like he was a boy.)

We were blessed to find out we were expecting again in May 2008. It was exciting and scary. I went to the doctor at least once a week, she was great. She always listened and drew blood and did an ultrasound. Our son was born healthy an happy on January 5, 2009.


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## idigchaitea

Jonas Elliot was stillborn on March 12th, 2009 in a German hospital. We went in on my due date for a normal checkup, and they could not detect a heartbeat. We were devastated beyond belief. The pregnancy was normal. They could not find a cause for his death, although it's possible it was a cord accident.

I call him my little dove because I found out after he was born that Jonas means "dove". From then on, I see signs pertaining to doves everywhere I go.


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## Jenifer76

My little Myrtle Bean born into Heaven on August 19, 2009. I was 8 weeks pregnant when your heart stopped beating. I never held you but I always love you.


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## rightkindofme

I got pregnant on my first post partum cycle without ever seeing Aunt Flo. I lost the child at only six weeks--I didn't know I was pregnant. It's devastating. It's been three months and I'm still a wreck. I miss my Alex.


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## moonInLion

*Daniel Bix, due Sept 20, 2009*

Conceived Dec 25, 2008, diagnosed dead March 24, born at home after a 6-hour labour
4 days later. You died already 6 weeks before you were born. We only spent so little time together, but I will miss you forever. We greet you every morning when we leave the house, as you are buried in our front-door garden.








:


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## bingham1

I'm glad I decided to come to the community today.

My first miscarriage was at 5w 2d...it was also my first pregnancy. I got to enjoy it for a week in 2006. Then I was blessed with the pregnancy of my son, Seth, and he was born in 2007. The greatest blessing I have ever recieved. Then in march of 2009 I had a very light period, or so I thought...spotting....then nothing, then 2 weeks later started passing the largest clots I'd ever seen, no +HPT, dr couldn't confirm a pregnancy, but I know it was a chemical one, I know my body too well, but it "doesn't count." Then in August 2009 after two wonderful ultrasounds of a heart beat and a baby that appeared to be growing slowly, I miscarried at 11 weeks...the hardest thing I've went through. My husband and I both are still mourning. have taken a leave of absense from the world of TTC.







hoping in the spring when life begins we will be ready to TTC again.


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## freestyler

Our sweet little baby Matthew died at 11 weeks gestation, in February 2008. It was so horrible. DH doesn't understand why I still miss the little guy, why I will ALWAYS miss him and be craving and hungry to see him, the Little Man I never met on earth. Matthew's little spirit goes around with me, and I hope his angel presence will watch over our family of five healthy and wonderful children here on earth.

I'm having my diamond ring re-made to add a stone for little Matthew Jacob. It doesn't seem right that he not have a stone too. There were five small diamonds, one for each child, and now there will be six. Well, seven actually, since we hope to have one more someday.

Hugs to all of us mammas.


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## bethanta

Elliott - Oct. 10, 2009
I was only 11 weeks along, but we will always love and miss our first baby.


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## Jenne

We lost our BabyBean 10/17/2009 unexpectedly at 9 weeks. Today we buried her/him in the backyard under an October Glory maple tree.

Jenne


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## CherryBomb

We lost Maria Gerard at 6 weeks to ectopic pregnancy (5-7-09), and a son Dominic at 14 weeks. I miscarried him at home on 10-26-09, 2 weeks after his heart stopped beating.


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## Sihaya

I miscarried baby Pearl on 11/05/09 at 10 weeks. It appears she had been gone for five weeks. We will be waiting until her due date passes to try again.


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## CyberCathy

What a nice idea for a thread.

I lost my sweet Ethan at 39.1 weeks on October 11, 2007. We had just gone to the doctor the day before and everything was fine. The next morning I woke and there was no movement.







I was induced and labored for two days until we chose to do a C-section because my kidneys were failing. He was born on Oct. 13. He had a true knot in his cord. It was my first pregnancy.


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## SeekingSerenity

It's been a long time, but I still wanted to honor the memory... I've never forgotten.

Christian, lost October 2000, at six weeks gestation. I did not know I was pregnant until I lost him (I just felt the baby was a boy). I was separating from my DH and he told me he didn't believe I'd had a miscarriage. Hard as that was, it made me feel as though Christian was mine alone. I will remember the short time he was with me, even if no one else wants to.

My youngest child was born July 2008. He had a vanishing twin. I feel as though he had a twin sister who was not able to join him. I will never forget that my Lil'Man was not alone in there, that he had a companion, and that the spirit of his twin lingers still in our hearts. I was never able to name my little vanished twin, but I feel her presence sometimes around my little one. What a joy it would have been to have them both in my arms at once.








for all of our lost babies


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## Mami_2_IB_n_DJ

Today is my DD birthday born at 26.5 weeks on 1/12/1994 and gone 1/16/1994.

I miss you very much and have never forgotten you.


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## mothergoose518

I am copy and pasting what I shared on my due date board. I'm still working on writing Caleb's story. So far the only part I've written is the story of his birth and the story of our time with his body in the hospital after he was born. I haven't had the strength yet to write the pieces leading up to his birth or the following days. It will come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First of all, babies that have died in the womb are born macerated. They don't decay in the same way grown people do because they are in a sterile environment, but maceration begins within the first day. Caleb had been dead for 5 days before he was born and was a grade 1 maceration - he had skin slippage and his head was distorted from his fontanel collapsing and blood being trapped up there.

Second of all, he hadn't started developing fat yet (he was just at the stage where he would start doing that) so his skin is very see through - you can easily see the bones of his rib cage (which was shaped exactly like his daddy's!) and all the branches of his veins. The lack of body fat is also why he is so red.

Third of all, his eyes are open. At first we weren't sure why that was - the nurse thought they hadn't sealed yet because of a membrane over his eyeballs and my mom thought they had unsealed as part of the decay process. I have since read that 3D and 4D sonograms have revealed that babies can open their eyes as early as 18 weeks, much earlier than doctors have thought!

http://s26.photobucket.com/albums/c1...8/Caleb Enoch/
pw is miller7

You can read his birth story here: http://mothergoose77.blogspot.com/20...t-3-birth.html


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## taulicious

Dear Baby,
At first I was scared and so was your dad. Was this the right time? Can we do this? Do we want to do this? I knew I wanted a baby but being scared came first. We worked through that and slowly but surely I started to get excited (your father took a little longer, but he definitely came around). I had to get all of the extra testing for my peace of mind and everything seemed o.k. at first. Then the report of possible problems came along. I was already 19 weeks and you seemed to be growing at the right rate. All I could think was how could what we see on ultrasounds be so different from what the tests said? Then a little hope, the docs said the problems were rare and unlikely. More testing had to be done. 4 more weeks along and the news got worse, bad, devestating. How could this be? You were kicking like a little boy should, I thought you were gonna be a soccer player! Why me? Why you? Why us? It all ended after a long three days and that still didn't help me to feel the end. How could I love and miss someone I never held, someone I never touched, someone I never knew? At the same time, how could I not miss you? You were part of me. I fluctuate through self-pity, anger, sadness, and numbness. I went back to work after a couple of weeks. People kept looking at me like I was broken, I am. I am heartbroken. I often cry alone, when does the pain stop? Your father would not commit to a name but I wanted to name you Mateo. He thinks he wouldn't commit because maybe unconsciously, he knew the end was a horror story. I think he was still scared and acting brave for me. There are so many what ifs and maybes. I cannot speculate anymore, none of it helps, it all hurts beyond belief. I still have a due date coming up and I am not looking forward to it. I miss you, love you, wish you were still here.
xoxo, Mom


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## jtrt

Remembering our Tulia lost at 9w3d a year ago today. So very wanted, so dearly missed, so truly loved.

Today and everyday, I am thinking of all of my little ones who could not stay. Mommy loves you and wishes I could have known you. You will always be my babies.








Tulia 3-26-2009







Noel 12-23-2008







Sunny 8-1-08

I never held you in my arms but hold you always in my heart.

Mommy


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## theboysmama

Unfortunately this is my 3rd time to post on this thread.
I found out 3 wks ago that my little one had died inside of me at around 13 1/2 wks. I was induced and had him at home, I was 17wks. He was perfect and beautiful and I am so grateful that I had the chance to say goodbye. He was born on 8/9/10 and we named him Emeric.







Emeric







8/9/10







Morgan 2/13/06







Sam 9/9/05


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## Lisa1970

Andrew Michael was born 11-13-2000 and died shortly after, Matthew was born 5-11-2006 and died during labor. I have also miscarried 8/2006, 2/2008, ectopic in fall 2008, and my baby born in august 2009 had been twins and we lost his twin early, in January 2009. I did name the baby from 2/2008 Baby Precious because I was 9 weeks and we had already seen his heart beat. I have pictures of Andrew and Matthew.


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## redheadsrule

On 8/6/10 I lost our baby Harper at 32 weeks due to pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She was beautiful and I am so sad.


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## eakelly5

We lost baby Landen 9/1/10 at 15 weeks. He was delivered into my hands at home and looked like his Daddy. My DBF asked if I wanted to take a photo of him and at the time I said no but now that we have buried him I wish I would have gone ahead with the photo.. he lives forever in my memory but I wish I had something tangible.. we knew him such a short time and he had such a deep impact on all of us.


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