# When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do?



## samy23 (Jul 23, 2008)

What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?

yeh...i dont see any other choice. i have an 18 yo but i also have a 2 yo and a newborn. I think if my ds/dd were considering adoption, i may adopt the baby. i dont know..it would be so hard b/c right now im maxed out energy wise i think...but my own grandchild?? i dont think i could see it being raised by another family (though i understand and would support anyone who made that decision).

i agree, though...explore ALL options...including me raising the baby for awhile if need be...or simply helping him/her raise teh baby.

teenage pregancy is hard but certainly not the worst thing ever. alot of good can come of it.


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## mpchez (Sep 30, 2007)

yeah that









Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

when my dd was 16 she got pregnant.
her bf did not leave her - he stuck around but who is to say that was for the best?
when she decided to keep the baby I supported her, when she decided that she couldn't do it and wanted to have an abortion, I supported her (this happened on mothers day) when her boyfriends mom convinced her son (and consequently my dd) to keep the baby, I supported her.

what can you do but stand behind you daughter in probably the most challenging time of he life. she had a very wonderful pregnancy, she poured everything she had into it. I don't think she had any idea how hard it was going to be to be a parent.. it has been very hard for her and continues to be. and even though boyfriend is now gone she is still working very hard to be the best mom she can (some days lol)

she lost a big piece her her childhood and growing up (not just from this but also some drug abuse earlier in her teen years) I love my gs to pieces but I sure wish dd could have had some more growing up time before being locked into her now mom role. she is 19 now and feeling quite stuck.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?









:

That's pretty much it. I really don't understand the mind set behind the other option. With help though, she can be a great mom.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I would want her to get an abortion, for sure.

However, I would keep that opinion to myself and, as chiromamma said, help her explore all her options and support her choice, whatever it was.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

What would I do? I would be right there with her to help her through whatever she decided to do about it. I would explain the options to her and let her take it from there. If she decided to keep the baby, I would help her raise it if she wanted me to.

I would secretly be thrilled though. It's been a while since I had a baby in the house


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I've seen this very situation in my family and in DH's and it's difficult, to say the least.

I would, as zinemama said, wish for her to get an abortion but I would NEVER pressure her. I would support her decisions and well, we'd have to do a lot of talking about what that support would look like...financial, babysitting, etc.


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## bmcneal (Nov 12, 2006)

I would support her in whatever she chose to do, but I would try and steer her away from abortion.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Give her lots of







:


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## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

I would secretly hope she would abort, but I would never tell her that. I know how insecure I felt and how difficult it was to be a mother at 24, I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I had started a family at 16. I would ensure she was educated on all options and that any of them would be ok to choose. I would also support her in whatever decision she made.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

At 16 or 17, I would let her make the choice and I would stand behind her.

I have always taught my dd that if she gets pregnant as a teen, that she can pretty much assume the boy is NOT going to be there in a few years, so she had better be ready to do it alone (without the boy)

Boys can leave, girls have to make the choice.

I would let them live here as long as they needed to (within reason) and I would help them as long as she was either in school or working full time. I wouldn't allow them to stay here if I was fully supporting her with no future career or so much as a report card to show for it.


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## yogachick79 (Apr 4, 2006)

I was pregnant with my first child at 17, DDs father left as soon as he found out I was pregnant and has never been involved. I was a senior in HS and raised in a very religious house so abortion was something I never even considered. It devistated my parents, and in a "tough love" move the made me move out of the house in to my own apartment (but helped with rent) and I got a job. I dropped out of my 2nd half of my senior year to get a full time job and support myself and DD. I won't lie, it was hard as hell at times. I hated my parents for it at first, and people that I tell my story to often have a very negative reaction.

The thing is, they still supported me, just not in their house. They helped watch her while I went on interviews, they came over and stayed with me at times and I still slept at their house. But it was a drastic move to make me grow up and become accountable quickly. And it worked.

I have no doubt that the right things were done (at least for me as a person) because I became a mature, self functioning, adult. I got my GED, I started attending college at night and while I had my teenage setbacks still, things were good. As a result of all of this, I am at a MUCH better place than a lot of my HS peers who partied through college, dropped out and still don't know what they are doing with their lives.

So honestly, I don't have much advice besides support her how you feel its best, and love her unconditionally. But I wanted to share my story to provide a positive turn out to what is often a really hard situation.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i would do the same thing my parents did for me. support me whole heartedly and keep my opinions to myself. about 2 weeks after my 20th bday i told my dad (on fathers day







im a moron) that i was pg. my parents were loving and supportive. they never told me what to do. they supported me when i wanted to keep ds and had no interest in exploring any other option.

they supported me when dp moved in with me and my best friend. they supported me when me and dp stayed with them a few weeks before i was due and then a few weeks after ds was born. they supported me when i stopped taking more then one college class at a time to be a SAHM. they support every choice i make with ds even if they don't understand it. they support me everyday and tell me all the time they are proud of my and what a great mother I am.

i hope that if that ever happens to one of my children i will be able to do the same for them.


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## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

I would definitely hug her and hold her tight and first and foremost listen to her when and if she needed me too. I would never _present_ abortion or adoption _to_ her as an option. I would be heartbroken if someone said those words to me when I told them I was pregnant, no matter the situation and I couldn't picture myself uttering them to another. At 16-17 my daughters will already know of these options and if they wanted to make the choice to do either I would support them no matter what my personal feelings as it wouldn't be my choice, but theirs. I would be there for them all the way no matter. Appointments, money, any need for counseling or outside help I would help to establish it. I would offer to adopt the child first if she was considering adoption. I would let them know that I would support them emotionally and financially throughout the pregnancy, birth, and motherhood as needed, just as I would do anyway no matter their age. I would help care for the child as much as my current situation permitted. I homeschool right now, but don't know what they will be doing for education at 16-17, possibly still homeschooling, possibly public, possibly taking some college courses already. Whatever the situation was I would find a way to support their education or support them if they decided to suspend it until later. I would help them get a GED if that was the decision.

As far as the father, I would hope that he would want to be involved with the child. I would either pursue child support or ask that the father give up his rights to the child. If he did not want to be part of the child's life or support the child he shouldn't have any rights.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

I would tuck my daughter in my arms and ask what she wanted and needed. I would be available for whatever she chose including living with me and having the baby at home. Honestly I would be most concerned about prenatal health and would prefer her close by, if she wanted to leave that would be the hardest thing for me.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I would be there for her and make sure she has all the knowledge she needs in order to make the best decisions for herself and her unborn child. I would gladly welcome a grandbaby, gladly.







I would never judge her for her actions or be down on her. I'd just be the mother that I know she would need.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie


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## QueenBean84 (Nov 11, 2008)

I would rant and rave and then rant and rave some more. LOL

Then I would sit down with her and discuss all of her options and help her choose what she felt was the best way to go.

Of course, if she decided to have the child, I would help her raise it.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamahart* 
I would tuck my daughter in my arms and ask what she wanted and needed. I would be available for whatever she chose including living with me and having the baby at home. Honestly I would be most concerned about prenatal health and would prefer her close by, if she wanted to leave that would be the hardest thing for me.









:

I would hope she wouldn't want to have an abortion and I may try to steer her away from that but I would not judge her or be angry if she chose that. If she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, I would want to adopt him/her. If she wanted to keep the baby, I'd do everything I could to help her be the best mom she could be.

I had my first exactly 2 weeks before my 21st birthday (I know, quite a bit older than 16-17). My bf left me for someone else when I was about 6 months pregnant. My parents encouraged me to have an abortion but I just couldn't go through with it. I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

As crappy as my dad is (just search my posts







), when I got pg at 15 and the guy I was with (who I married when DD was 6m and had another child with) was useless, he didn't kick me out, got me all the baby stuff I needed, encouraged breastfeeding and cloth diapering and just made being a mom easier, even though I did ALL the work, and still cooked and cleaned and all that. I had to put up with some crude comments and some bull )[email protected]# but over all it was a positive experience.

My mom just cried. She let me down in a major way at least 3 times prior to that so I just rolled my eyes and let it slide off my shoulders. She was totally unsupportive. And wonders why I haven't spoken to her in the past 6 years.


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## panamama (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.









:

i was 15 when i had to tell my mother i was pregnant. she didn't take it well AT ALL and our relationship was severly damaged as a direct result of the way she treated me during my pregnancy. (it's repaired, now, thankfully.) i was expecting and ready to accept a bad reaction. but her 'reaction' lasted for 24 months and led me to finally move out when DS was 1 (and i was 16). it was ROUGH, to put it mildly, and i could've used a mama's love/guidance/shoulder/etc those years while DS and i grew up together. but...we (all) made it so i guess it's okay now.

as for what i'd do? well, i don't have a daughter, but i'd still have a very hard time if DS (16) came telling me he's gotten some girl pregnant. honestly, i would try not to, but very likely have a FIT as my initial reaction. probably some awful combination of blubbering, crying, yelling, anger & disappointment*.







: i think more than anything b/c DS and i have talked about teen preganancy, sex, etc so often and so openly, i'd just be totally shocked and dismayed that he'd made choices that got him and a young woman in that situation. (i know, i know...things happen. but still.) once i got myself togther/calmed down, we'd talk about it and i'd support him in supporting her/their decision. him leaving or being unsupportive of the young woman would NOT be an option.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *samy23* 
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

I am curious, why do you ask?


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I would support her in anything but abortion.


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## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bmcneal* 
I would support her in whatever she chose to do, but I would try and steer her away from abortion.

Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

I would do the same thing I would if she were my best friend- and more. I don't have a daughter yet, and my sons are too young to even try to conceptualize them as grown, sexual beings.... my oldest is 3 1/2.... but I would help her in every way I could, and be a loving, involved grandma.

School shouldn't be an issue, since my children will either be unschooled, or attend the charter school I want to start. So either way, she would have no problem finishing school, and could bring the baby. I would be able to help her with childcare while she attended college and/or worked, and ideally she would just build a small house on my property.







Or if she didn't want to keep the baby, then I would support her too. If she wanted an abortion I would teach her gentle techniques (starting with simply asking the baby to leave) I would support her in every way possible, and help her to have a peaceful pregnancy and birth, ideally.

If my sons were responsible for a pregnancy at that age, I would support the mother, if her family was unsupportive, and treat her as my own child. I also would not stand for my son not supporting his baby. (at the very least) If he decided to anyway though, I would not try to force him, if his supportive is not coming from a positive source, then she's better getting it from positive ones, I'd offer her that alternative.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.


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## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *warriorprincess* 
I would support her in anything but abortion.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *KMK_Mama* 
Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.


Can I ask what you would do if she did choose to abort?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.

I thought a lot about this too ... as it is I am a co-parent for my grandson, I support them financially and take physical care of him much of the time I am not working. If my dd had wanted me to adopt him I am not sure what I would have done. How painful would it be to watch somebody else be "mommy" to your child?

I try to take as much time with him as I can so that she does not feel overwhelmed and can be a calm loving parent.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

Cherie2, you sound like an amazing grandmother. I think that your daughter and grandson are blessed to have you in their lives.


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## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pancakes* 
Can I ask what you would do if she did choose to abort?

Honestly, I don't know. If that is what she wanted I guess I would just make sure she knew that she *might* end up regretting it for the rest of her life.
I know people have abortions and don't regret it, but if I ever had to make that choice and ended up aborting I would live a life full of regret that would haunt me. I wouldn't want that for her.


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## imagine21 (Apr 7, 2007)

I would take her and pay for the termination.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

she considered all of her options, had access to informative resources (assuming you help her access unbiased information about all of her options) she went through whatever process was right for her and made her decision.

'making sure' she knows she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life is manipulative. and a good way to either bully her into changing her mind or making sure she does regret it for the rest of her life.

Your daughter has just made one of the hardest decisions she will ever have to make, i think saying ok baby when would you like to go is pretty much the only appropriate thing to say. the only thing she needs to be sure of is her decision, and that you love her and support her.

your daughter would be the one getting the abortion not you... so how you would feel if you got an abortion is irrelevant.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *imagine21* 
I would take her and pay for the termination.

me too


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## vancouverlori (Sep 5, 2003)

This is a great thread...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smillerhouse* 
My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie

Ahhh, that is a good preventative... just a reminder that even when taken perfectly (which is rare) it can still fail. A coworker of mine has a beautiful 2 year-old to attest to that, and I lived in student family housing in university...









I would be totally supportive of my daughter, whatever she chose. In the case of abortion, I think I would make sure that she's had ample time to think about it. No matter how you argue semantics, the reality is that it is a major decision that can cause major regret later, so I would want her to be sure that it really is the best option. And once she'd thought about it, then I would take her to the appointment, and hold her hand if she wanted. I'm pro-life for myself, and pro-choice for the rest of the world, if that makes any sense.

I was (fortunately) 19 when I had to tell my mom I was pregnant. She held me, and we had a good cry together. Even though I was nearly 20, I was still completely devastated. And the best thing she did: she told me it had happened to her when she was 18, but that she'd miscarried. And a few other moms in our community privately took me aside and told me it happened to them too. While I mourned the loss of control over my life, I no longer felt like the worst woman ever! I was supposed to be the "good girl"!

And when someone in our community (mom was the secretary at a Catholic elementary school) asked her how she could support me when I'd been "bad", my mom pointed out that it's easy to be a good parent when your kids are being good. It's when they're being "bad" that they need you the most, and the hardest thing to do is be there for them, but it's the right thing to do. Fortunately, once it became known that I was 8 months pregnant (I managed to hide it until then, thinking I'd give baby up for adoption), the community was incredibly supportive, helping give me rides to appointments if mom had to work, etc, and the useful gifts...

In the end, my daughter's birth, while it was a VERY difficult time for me, and really, the timing was very poor, and her father was just so totally the wrong man, it was really the best thing that ever happened to me.

Of course, I'd be upset if DD got pg, because I would have taken pains to get her to a doctor for the pill as soon as she had a boyfriend, just in case. But hey, s**t happens. And as my doctor likes to say... babies choose their own time. (She had 5 herself.)


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## Frida77 (Aug 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?

I totally agree--
I had my baby at 18-- I had lots of support all around me for any choice that I made. For that reason I was fully grounded as a mom and felt that I was responsible for my actions and in control of my future. I think that if anyone is stuck into being a parent for whatever reason, (financial, emotional, etc..) that can lead to a life of resenting the child. On the flip side, if a woman is pressured into terminating when she doesn't want to, that could lead to a feeling of loss and mourning that could be pervasive forever. Just because she is young doesn't mean that she can't pull her act together and become a kick-a** mama. I am so grateful for my daughter who flew into my life at exactly the right time to force me to become responsible and actually take care of her, and in the process, myself.
The last thing your daughter needs is for her mother to abandon her now.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *May May* 
Cherie2, you sound like an amazing grandmother. I think that your daughter and grandson are blessed to have you in their lives.

Thank you.. I think so too lol ... not sure my dd would say the same though... no, she knows she can count on me, I just think sometimes that i am making her weak and helpless by helping too much ... its a difficult line to walk.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I just think sometimes that i am making her weak and helpless by helping too much

I don't think it's possible to help someone too much. What I've found is that the more I help someone the more they will want to do things for themselves and also help others. There is a difference between helping people and doing everything for them as if they can't do for themselves.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *warriorprincess* 
I would support her in anything but abortion.









:


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I don't think it's possible to help someone too much. What I've found is that the more I help someone the more they will want to do things for themselves and also help others. There is a difference between helping people and doing everything for them as if they can't do for themselves.


That is hard to determine sometimes. I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother? I really don't know.. I am sorry to slightly de-rail this thread - but these are things that weigh heavily on me


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated









I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult.

Oh, and the boyfriend, boyfriends parents, DH and I would be having a chat.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
That is hard to determine sometimes. I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother? I really don't know.. I am sorry to slightly de-rail this thread - but these are things that weigh heavily on me









I was your dd and my mom was you. She helped me immensely with many things that I could've done for myself except that it wouldn't have been enough. Because of her help I was able to get my life figured out and my son was always cared for either by me or her. He still has a very special relationship with his grandmother. Of course, there's no guarantee that your dd will figure things out the way that I did but, ultimately, at this point, I think your grandson is the most important thing.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I was your dd and my mom was you. She helped me immensely with many things that I could've done for myself except that it wouldn't have been enough. Because of her help I was able to get my life figured out and my son was always cared for either by me or her. He still has a very special relationship with his grandmother. Of course, there's no guarantee that your dd will figure things out the way that I did but, ultimately, at this point, I think your grandson is the most important thing.

Thank you for this, I can not tell you how much comfort it gives me


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *panamama* 
as for what i'd do? well, i don't have a daughter, but i'd still have a very hard time if DS (16) came telling me he's gotten some girl pregnant. honestly, i would try not to, but very likely have a FIT as my initial reaction.

I think I'd be more upset if it were my son telling me he got a girl pregnant. The main reason being that the girl may or may not be nice about the whole situation and I'd want my son to step up and take control but not be pushed in to something he doesn't want long term.







I don't think couples necessarily "have" to get married just because the girl gets pregnant. That can sometimes be a bigger mistake than the unwanted pregnancy itself.







For some reason I think it would be easier to handle it if it were my DD that got pregnant. But who knows.

As far as abortion goes. Some of you in here commented that you wouldn't accept that. What would you do if your child did make that choice? I would hope you'd still be there for them.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 
after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated









I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult. .

i do hope you have more respect for your daughter if this situation ever arises. I am sorry you had trouble TTC







that must be incredibly had.

I do not think any parent has the right to 'put their foot down' on anyone's reproductive system. 18 is not a magic number, the choice is hers no matter the age. Parents can share their opinion with their child, though i do not recommend this. I do not think what the parent wants matters one iota. I do not think a parent should make decisions for their child based on their own hardships and experiences. that is not fair to the child. i imagine having trouble conceiving would make it incredibly hard to think anyone should get an abortion, but your child is not you, she has a right to make that decisions based on her own life and her own experiences.. sharing your experience with would be completely reasonable but forbidding her to make a choice b/c of your experience is not right.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
As far as abortion goes. Some of you in here commented that you wouldn't accept that. What would you do if your child did make that choice? I would hope you'd still be there for them.









I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
I do not think a parent should make decisions for their child based on their own hardships and experiences. that is not fair to the child.

exactly, it would be just like my mother after having 2 dc 9 months apart at the age of 18 with an abusive husband marching my sister to the abortion clinic when she got pregnant at 14.

she didn't have a choice because of mom's experience... that is not fair - and its not fair to force your child to have a baby because you couldn't.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.

I think conditional love and support sounds at least as cold as abortion if not more so.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
I'm wearing my flame-proof clothing, so ya'll can go ahead.

No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

I know that sounds cold, but not as cold as abortion. I love my children, they are my life, and they will know my stance on this, and it would never be an option. JMO, on and on and on. I'm sorry if my opinion offends, that's not the intent.

No flames here!

My boys will be involved and if they choose not to, I will not support that. My brother is a deadbeat dad and my kids see that, so hopefully it is something that stays with them.

As for my girls, I will support them wanting to raise their babies. To be honest, the only kind of abortion I could understand would be if there was something seriously wrong with their baby that was incompatible with life. If she wanted to give it up for adoption, I would adopt it. If it would be too hard for her, we would discuss her keeping it and how to make it work.

My children know about abortion and hopefully, those lessons will carry on into adulthood. I see 16 year olds called children in this thread yet people think they are responsible enough to make a decision like that. At 16, you are NOT responsible enough to make a decision like that. You think you are an adult. Too many young girls end up with abortions only to end up really psychologically messed up later and really regretting it. Children are not capable of handling all the ramifications that this carries. Post Abortion Syndrome is a horrible thing for a girl to deal with. It can also lead to many more destructive behaviors. It is really frightening.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

It's not conditional love. It's saying I won't condone murder. I'll back out of this topic before I violate a rule or the thread gets ugly. I love my children more than anything and would never let them kill someone else.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

I would never present abortion or adoption to her as an option.
I completely agree. By that age, we would have already had those discussions multiple times anyways. One of my best friends became pregnant with TWINS at 16, and had them at 17. Her parents handled it horribly. They promoted abortion, and when they realized she wasn't going to be talked into it, suggested putting one twin up for adoption and keeping the other! They're not bad people, they just totally panicked and it really hurt her. She ended up having them healthy and full term, marrying their father, and having another child with him and they're now quite wealthy and successful.

On the other hand, I grew up my whole life hearing if I ever got pg, I'd be kicked out of the house. So when I did get pg ON the pill at 19, I immediately moved out without even telling them, and ended up going to a weird place for prenatal care and having a very complicated miscarriage. My parents are physicians; if they'd "been there" for me they could have helped prevent some of that. Granted, 19 is a world away from 16.

All that said, I would expect my daughter to have and keep her child and support her in that. If she very strongly wanted an abortion, I would make sure she received unbiased professional counseling and then take her and pay for it. As far as adoption, I'd be extremely uncomfortable and devastated with that and would do everything in my power to avoid it.


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?


Exactly. I would probably want her to terminate the pregnancy but I would not say so and I would not pressure her. We would look at all the options and I would support whatever decision she made.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
No. I can't condone abortion under any circumstances other than rape. I wouldn't be there for my daughter if she chose that.

You couldn't find a middle ground where you are still "there" for your dd without supporting or condoning what she did/wants to do? I would still be there for any of my dses even if they did murder someone. They are my children and I would never abandon them physically or emotionally no matter what they did.


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## swimswamswum (Oct 26, 2005)

I would encourage her not to keep the baby but love her and accept her no matter what she decided. I would pay for her to have an abortion if she decided that and I would help her give it up for adoption if she decided that.

If she decided to keep the baby I would not raise the child for her. I would still expect that she go to college and that she find a way to support herself once she's an adult. I would still pay for college and support her in other ways that she needed it but I would make it very clear that if she chose to keep the baby, she is the child's mother.


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## swimswamswum (Oct 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smillerhouse* 
My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie


















Good job mama!


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

Just a reminder:

For those of you who said you would prohibit your daughter from getting an abortion-- In Illinois a minor at the age of consent (12) _can_ legally get an abortion without parental consent. This is probably true in other states as well.

For those who said you would take your daughter to get an abortion--a doctor cannot perform an abortion on a minor over the age of consent(12) _without_ their consent.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Freud* 
Just a reminder:

For those of you who said you would prohibit your daughter from getting an abortion-- In Illinois a minor at the age of consent (12) _can_ legally get an abortion without parental consent. This is probably true in other states as well.

For those who said you would take your daughter to get an abortion--a doctor cannot perform an abortion on a minor over the age of consent(12) _without_ their consent.

so for parents who said they would prohibit their daughters from getting an abortion ... the likelihood is that if they did get pregnant you might never know a thing about it... and even more likely if you also "prohibit" them from having sex. its too bad they wont have their mom to help them through one of the most traumatic times of their lives.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

I'm sorry some disagree with my not being able to condone outright murder. I simply cannot stand beside someone and say "it's allright" when it's not. Ya'll can think what you want. If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

_*Because she won't.*_

Backing out "officially" now, because clearly I am an exception to the rule, which I am a lot, and I'm fine with that. My daughter will not murder a baby.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
I If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

_*Because she won't.*_


SandraS, I don't think anyone on this thread is suggesting that you should compromise your beliefs if your daughter wanted an abortion. No one is saying that you should tell her it's fine when of course you don't and wouldn't believe any such thing.

What people are wondering about (me included) is how a mother with such strongly held beliefs *would* approach the situation of her daughter making a choice that went against those beliefs. I think we all wonder this about ourselves and our children when it comes to certain issues. We all wonder just how we would react.

You say you wouldn't be there for your daughter if she chose abortion. You seem to mean that you wouldn't accompany her to the clinic. But does this mean you would disown her, distance yourself in some way? Would there be some shift in your relationship, or do you think you would still be able to accept her as your child?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
I'm sorry some disagree with my not being able to condone outright murder. I simply cannot stand beside someone and say "it's allright" when it's not. Ya'll can think what you want. If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

_*Because she won't.*_

Backing out "officially" now, because clearly I am an exception to the rule, which I am a lot, and I'm fine with that. My daughter will not murder a baby.

You think.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 
after reading a lot of your responses I think I have added a "house rule" to the list.
1. No Whistling.
2. No abortions.

Even if my DD wanted to have one, I think I would put my 'foot down' about this. Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive. I cannot allow a baby to be terminated









I am very much pro-choice. For adults. If she was 18 (and I know nothing magical happens at 18) I would let her do it. I would cry my eyes out and there would be some other things that I would require of an adult making adult decisions, like acting like an adult.

Oh, and the boyfriend, boyfriends parents, DH and I would be having a chat.

I totally empathize with your views (I am against abortion but think it should be the woman's choice, as long as she is given unbiased counseling and every opportunity to ask questions and change her mind without any outside pressure to terminate, keep, or adopt) and I would be very hurt if one of my daughters got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. However, I know that the reality is that no matter how much you, I, or anyone else "puts their foot down" we cannot prevent our daughters from making a choice that is really theirs, not ours. In nearly every state in the Union a teenage girl can walk into an abortion clinic and request, consent to, and obtain one without our knowledge or permission. What's worse is that if your daughter gets pregnant, and, knowing your feelings on abortion still wants one anyway and is aware of the laws, she may not even feel the need to tell you at all. I know it's a very tough line to walk. You don't want to condone abortion because it is against your beliefs and hope your children feel the same way, but you really do need to prepare yourself for the situation that they may not. I'm walking that line right there with you. However, I've come to realize that the most important thing I can give to much children is my unconditional love, no matter what choice they may make. Yes, if my daughter had an abortion I would be absolutely devastated. I plan to educate my daughters the very real dangers and consequences of abortion as soon as they are old enough to understand it. If, despite my efforts they still chose to have one, all I can do is love them. That is my job as a parent. Abortion can do damage yes, but an unloving and unforgiving parent is much worse and is guaranteed to have much worse of an effect on your child, and may even destroy that relationship. My children will always be my children no matter what choices they make. I raise them with the premise that they aren't little replicas of myself and that they will probably live their lives much differently than I have lived mine and may even make drastically different choices. At the end of the day, however, a mother's love should be one constant thing they can count on, and I intend to try with all my heart to ensure they have that.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelpie545* 
My children will always be my children no matter what choices they make. I raise them with the premise that they aren't little replicas of myself and that they will probably live their lives much differently than I have lived mine and may even make drastically different choices. At the end of the day, however, a mother's love should be one constant thing they can count on, and I intend to try with all my heart to ensure they have that.

angelpie545, this is very well said. I have thought about this a lot wrt how I would feel if one of my sons joined the military. Like SandraS above, I can't even wrap my mind around the notion that they would make such a choice, given the values we're instilling in them. But if they should? Despite my deep disappointment, my probable feeling that I had failed as a parent in some way, I hope I would recognize that the choice was theirs to make and that, as you say, my love should always be a constant in their lives.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I hope that I could support DD regardless of what she chose although I prefer she wait until she is older to have kids.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
It's not conditional love. It's saying I won't condone murder. I'll back out of this topic before I violate a rule or the thread gets ugly. I love my children more than anything and would never *let them kill someone else*.

You know that all those people in prison for murder have mamas too, right?


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
I hope that I could support DD regardless of what she chose although I prefer she wait until she is older to have kids.

You know that all those people in prison for murder have mamas too, right?









and most of them who had their moms in their lives before or during the time of the murders still have their mothers. their mothers love them and support them. i love someone who has murdered someone. i love him no matter what. i support him. i certainly do not support his actions i do not think they were right. but i love him and i am there for him. i know how he got to the point that he did. i see the progress he has made. i will always love him. always be there. and you know what? his mama loves him more then i ever could... she makes me support look like toothpicks trying to hold up a hummer. she doesn't support or condone what he did either. unconditional love is by definition unconditional.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

If a parent has strong feelings against abortion and their daughter decides to have one, chances are she won't tell them. So you, as the mom, will never have to deal with it. She'll just keep it a secret from you.

I still haven't told my mom.

So it is my view that the stronger our opinions are, the less likely we make it that our children will talk to us when they have difficult choices to make.

My DH and I have discussed this issue, and we would support our DDs financially and emotionally what ever paths their lives take.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
assuming you help her access unbiased information about all of her options

'making sure' she knows she might end up regretting it for the rest of her life is manipulative. and a good way to either bully her into changing her mind or making sure she does regret it for the rest of her life.

your daughter would be the one getting the abortion not you... so how you would feel if you got an abortion is irrelevant.

These are all good points. Guilting her into the choice YOU want isn't really helping her make HER choice. It is her body, her baby, her life.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I support her financially - could she get a job and pay for at least some of her own expenses? probably. Could she go to school? yea, but she doesn't do these things because she is taken care of.

Then there are her emotional needs. She struggles with anger and impatience. I spend every evening after work and weekends with dgs, is this taking away her ability to figure out her way as a mother?

Someone said you can't help too much. I strongly disagree. Teen dd/mom doesn't work or go to school? How/when is she going to take responsibility for herself and her child? Gramma taking care of grandchild EVERY evening and EVERY weekend is helping too much. I think doing so is taking away her need to be responsible.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 
If she wanted to give it up for adoption, I would adopt it.

I keep seeing this mentioned. I'd assume that would be painfully hard for the teen - to have her child around but not be parenting him. To watch her mom parent her child in ways she may or may not agree with. I could more easily support adoption outside the family OR teen keeping her baby and gramma helping out some.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swimswamswum* 
If she decided to keep the baby I would not raise the child for her. I would still expect that she go to college and that she find a way to support herself once she's an adult. I would still pay for college and support her in other ways that she needed it but I would make it very clear that if she chose to keep the baby, she is the child's mother.

Thank you! Yes, this. I have three children. I am raising them. If/when my girls have babies, THEY will be the mothers. I am not raising grandchildren. Support, love, help with - sure. Raise - no.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
If my daughter, who will absolutely know my personal and religious beliefs about abortion, should get pregnant, I believe she will have the same values I will and it won't even be an option. If it is, it will be a bridge I will cross at that time, however I will not be beside her saying it's okay and she'll be just fine.

_*Because she won't.*_

My daughter will not murder a baby.

Your daughter will do whatever she decides. You may be horrified by it, but she could choose abortion. I know MANY friends who had abortions as teens. 90% didn't tell their parents. One in particular has a very religious mother who would have felt just as you do.

As to the OP, I am not sure what I'd do. I'd be disappointed. I'd be sad that my dd lost some of her childhood and freedom and choices. But ultimately I'd try my best to be supportive in her making an adult decision and then supporting her in doing what was required to follow up with that. Under the age of 18, I guess that would mean living in my house with her baby if she decided to keep it. I'd try very hard not to mother the baby though. Baby is dd's and therefore her responsibility. At 18/hs graduation, I'd expect her to find an apartment for her and dgb, and either full time job or full time college classes. I'd help out with childcare as I could - but not full time. I'd help out with expenses as I could - but not everything. Help, not take over.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
Someone said you can't help too much. I strongly disagree. Teen dd/mom doesn't work or go to school? How/when is she going to take responsibility for herself and her child? Gramma taking care of grandchild EVERY evening and EVERY weekend is helping too much. I think doing so is taking away her need to be responsible.

Thank you! Yes, this. I have three children. I am raising them. If/when my girls have babies, THEY will be the mothers. I am not raising grandchildren. Support, love, help with - sure. Raise - no.

As to the OP, I am not sure what I'd do. I'd be disappointed. I'd be sad that my dd lost some of her childhood and freedom and choices. But ultimately I'd try my best to be supportive in her making an adult decision and then supporting her in doing what was required to follow up with that. Under the age of 18, I guess that would mean living in my house with her baby if she decided to keep it. I'd try very hard not to mother the baby though. Baby is dd's and therefore her responsibility. At 18/hs graduation, I'd expect her to find an apartment for her and dgb, and either full time job or full time college classes. I'd help out with childcare as I could - but not full time. I'd help out with expenses as I could - but not everything. Help, not take over.

Ideally, this is what one would hope for. If a teen child had a child, s/he would be responsible and take care of that child so that the grandparents would not have to. However, as has been pointed out many times, things don't always work out the way we think they should. There is no way to know the circumstances of a hypothetical situation or how anyone would react to it when faced with it. I think it's important to be open to all the possibilities and be ready to do my part in supporting my child however I can. It seems maybe "help" is being misinterpreted as taking over or doing everything. That's not what help is. Again, I don't think anyone can truly help another person too much.


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## Turkish Kate (Sep 2, 2006)

As the mother of a 15-year-old and a child of teenage parents myself, this is something that has been on my mind lately. DH and I talked about this just a few days ago, actually. AFAIK, DD is nowhere near the point of having sex, and helping take care of her brother has really put her off having her own babies for a long time.

I was born to a teen couple who got married (choice? force? who knows anymore), then divorced when they discovered that having a baby doesn't make them grownups. In those days, there weren't many options beyond a) getting married and b) unwed mothers' home (this is pre-Roe v Wade). Rather than trying to help and support them after the divorce, my bio-mom's family basically forced her into reliquishing her baby (me) to them and proceeding with adoption. As a result, I was raised by my grandparents, calling them mom and dad, and never understood where I fit into my family (and still don't).

I've thought a lot about this scenario and how I would do things differently if I were the mom and DD the teen daughter. I am also very anti-abortion, but it would be her choice, and I would support her as lovingly as possible if she chose this scenario. And I would support her in the years to come as the effects of her decision become more apparent. If she chose to keep the baby and raise it, I would support her as much as possible and do everything in my power to help her be the best mom that she could be. And I would encourage the father's family to stay involved, whether the father chose to be involved or not. I would help DD with whatever education/career path she chose, but would encourage her not to miss her child's early years as much as possible. Whether she can support herself and her child is irrelevant to me, because I have such a strong belief that babies belong with their mothers.

The most difficult scenario I could possibly imagine would be if DD chose relinquishment. As an adult adoptee who has struggled with identity, attachment, and abandonment issues my whole life, I would have the hardest time with this option. I would rather do everything in my power to foster her parenting abilities than to see her relinquish a child.

In any case, it would be a tough roe to hoe and I pray that we never have to go down that garden path.


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## AuntRayRay (Aug 18, 2004)

I don't have any girls, but I was once 17 and pregnant and my boyfriend left me. I lived in a unwed mothers home for the last month of my pregnancy.
So here's what I would do if I had a daughter in the future and this happened. LOVE her unconditionally. Educate her, let her know that she is a strong person and can get through this and doesn't need a man to do it either. Make sure she was well cared for and ate properly and had as positive of an experience as possible. It is a hard an emotional experience for a 16/17 yr old to go through, i think they need as much support as possible.
JMO


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## natural_mama89 (May 4, 2007)

this is a hard question for me. I was/am a teen mom (19). I have had quite literally zero family support and went through all kinds of very difficult things including being in a severely abusive relationship for 3 years. I would want to be there for my daughter no matter her decision. I know that its extremely hard to be a teen parent, but it may not be the same for someone who has help that I did not have. I struggle with my decisions because abortion felt horrible to me (hence having 2 kids so young). However, I ended up having a termination over this past summer (rape) because I knew i just could not handle another child when I knew I would be alone. I thought (maybe hoped) that the relationship with my childrens father would work out, but in the end it did not. I would just not want my daughter to feel like she missed so much of her childhood like I did. Or to feel hopeless or like she had no support or help or love in her life like I have at times. I wouldn't give up my kids for anything, but sometimes it is sooooooo hard that I wounder why I didn't just get an abortion the first time since I ended up doing it anyway.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

natural_mama89


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AuntRayRay* 
It is a hard an emotional experience for a 16/17 yr old to go through, i think they need as much support as possible.
JMO

yea


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## fairymom (Sep 15, 2008)

This is soomething I struggle with thinking about.I was a teen mom (at 16) and now have three girls of my own (7,10,15).My eldest dd is sexually active,middle dd I don't worry as much about in her future and youngest is very simular to eldest.I don't regret my children nor would I make any different choices if I couldn't have my exact same children,but it is not something I would encourage for any of them.I would support their decisions but would also share my experiences with them.I have a hard time seeing my eldest as being able to mother well any time soon.She is in the throws of being a teenager and is very selfish and self-centered.She is very good with her younger sibs but is short on patience.She has big plans for herself and for her to be able to achieve those she will not be able to do them as a teen mother no matter what kind of support she recieves (with the exception of just taking over for her and not letting her take on the consequences of her actions).Yes i wolud encourage her to give the baby up!Judge me if you'd like but I know my daughters well and the life of a teen mother.I want my daughters to have easier paths than I choose.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i was a pg teen.. i do not think giving my son up for adoption would have been easier then growing up and being his mother. i hope no one ever encourages their pg teenager to give their child up for adoption unless the teenager brings it up and says it is what she wants before you say anything either way. if my mom had encouraged me to give DS up for adoption i would have been heart broken.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:

i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.
I'm surprised this wasn't brought up before you said it. Had I been a young pregnant teen (got pregnant - planned - 2 months before my 20th bday), still living at home, not married, yada yada yada my parents would have been the LAST person I would have considered for adoptive parents. I may have chosen an aunt or something - somebody who did not live nearby. But never somebody I saw more often than weekly. That would be so hard to emotionally distance myself as THE mother and be in the right place mentally to know that I am the _birth_ mother, not the day to day mother. It's hard enough for me to see any child sad in public when they are disciplined, even when it's done gently and with good reason. Now shoudl that be MY child, one whom I could not take care of, then to see another person who I know so well "step in" and discipline my child, oh boy. That would bring out a mama bear in me. For my mental happiness, I would NEED some distance. Both location wise, so as not to run into them all the time and family wise. It would need to be a complete stranger to me.

I have thought about this lots. There is no way I could give my daughter unbiased information. I would take her to Birth Right, Planned Parenthood, etc and have THEM give her some information on her choices. Sure, by then she probably would know the Big 3, but I doubt she would know the full legal stuff of abortion, all the resources available to her should she choose to keep the baby, and the detailed medical description of what an abortion _really is_ and what the recovery would be like. I know as a teen, I had no idea what an abortion really was - just a "procedure" that was done to remove the baby.

I would be thrilled to be chosen as an adoptive parent to her child, but only if it was what she *really* wanted. If SHE could distance herself and become the birthmother, not the actual mother (ok actual was not the right word, but I'm drawing a blank on a better word to use) the I would be ok with it. Like a pp said, though, I'd be afraid that it would be her way of letting go without really letting go. If that's the case, then I'd assure her, adoptive mom or not, that I would be there for her, help her with a lot of the day to day stuff, and give advise when asked and otherwise keep my mouth shut.

I'm sorry, but those of you who either will not "allow" your daughter to get an abortion (whatever that means, she doesn't need your permission) or will only give her the choice to get an abortion are setting yourselves up for failure and will have a snowball's chance of having a good r/s with your daughter. It isn't your decision to make, and it shouldn't be treated as such. Too bad if it took you a long time to conceive and was effortless for your daughter. That would be you pushing your own problems on your daughter, and it simply isn't fair. I feel sorry for your daughters should they ever be in such a situation.

Quote:

Especially if my pregnancy now is the hypothetical DD we're talking about. It took me 12 months to conceive.
That would be you putting your own emotional struggles onto your dd. Your dd shouldn't have to be tied down by _your_ struggles. The amount of time it did or didn't take one to conceive should not have ANY correlation to what your dd decides to do with _her_ pregnancy.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I don't understand why everyone thinks that if grandparents legally adopt their grandchild it means the parents would have to completely disconnect themselves from the child. If my child did not want to keep a baby, I would do everything I could to keep that child in the family rather than being given up to strangers. I would be the first to volunteer to adopt the child. Frankly, if my child tried to give his/her baby up for adoption to strangers, I would fight tooth and nail to adopt the child myself. That does not mean that I would make myself that child's mother. I would still be grandma. The child would know the truth about everything and I would encourage the parents to be as involved as they wanted to be. I really don't understand why it has to be either/or, all or nothing.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:

I don't understand why everyone thinks that if grandparents legally adopt their grandchild it means the parents would have to completely disconnect themselves from the child.
Nobody said "*completely* disconnect themselves from the child." I did say that FOR ME if I were to give a child up for adoption - that in and of itself would be very difficult to me. Add on top of that I would have to add 'sibling' to my role as well as 'birthmother'. How to act as a birthmother and sibling to the same child is a completely foreign idea and one I would likely not be able to do.

Quote:

Frankly, if my child tried to give his/her baby up for adoption to strangers, I would fight tooth and nail to adopt the child myself.
Um, the only way that the child would go to strangers is if your daughter WANTED the baby to go to strangers. The only other scenario would be that your dd would have had her parental rights terminated and the baby put into foster care. Assuming your a suitable parent, with a suitable home, that baby would go to you, being next to kin unless the father was in the picture. So you would fight tooth and nail to adopt your dd's baby, not giving a damn about your dd's emotional needs so you a baby you don't even know and had no part in conceving won't go to complete strangers? Mkay.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

if i decided to give my baby up for adoption to 'strangers' and my mother fought me on that it would probably be the end of our relationship. If i wanted my mother to adopt the baby i would have asked her to do so ... obviously i had reasons for not doing so. fighting to adopt the baby so that she would be grandma and i would be mom is a really great way to complicate that childs life completely. what happens when i move out of the house where does the child go? who gets to make decisions about parents? who does the parenting?

it is basically saying no sorry your not giving this baby up for adoption because i don't want you to. i have no respect for you or your decision and i will fight you on it because it is what i want and thats all that matters to me.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
Nobody said "*completely* disconnect themselves from the child." I did say that FOR ME if I were to give a child up for adoption - that in and of itself would be very difficult to me. Add on top of that I would have to add 'sibling' to my role as well as 'birthmother'. How to act as a birthmother and sibling to the same child is a completely foreign idea and one I would likely not be able to do.

Why would you have to be birthmother and sibling? That doesn't make any sense to me, either. You'd be the child's birth mother. Period.

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Um, the only way that the child would go to strangers is if your daughter WANTED the baby to go to strangers. The only other scenario would be that your dd would have had her parental rights terminated and the baby put into foster care. Assuming your a suitable parent, with a suitable home, that baby would go to you, being next to kin unless the father was in the picture. So you would fight tooth and nail to adopt your dd's baby, not giving a damn about your dd's emotional needs so you a baby you don't even know and had no part in conceving won't go to complete strangers? Mkay.
If you put your baby up for adoption with the state or an adoption agency or an attorney, they don't go to your family first, do they? They give notice to all the adoptive parents that they have a baby available. How are those people not strangers?

And, yes, I would take that baby against my dd's wishes if I could. I would strongly discourage her from giving the baby up in the first place, though.

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fighting to adopt the baby so that she would be grandma and i would be mom is a really great way to complicate that childs life completely. what happens when i move out of the house where does the child go? who gets to make decisions about parents? who does the parenting?
How is that any more complicated than giving the baby away completely?I would hope that all people would be involved in the parenting. Ideally, the parents would do more of the parenting, but if they didn't want to, then the grandparents would. Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.

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it is basically saying no sorry your not giving this baby up for adoption because i don't want you to. i have no respect for you or your decision and i will fight you on it because it is what i want and thats all that matters to me.
Nope, that's not what I'd be saying. I'd be saying I care about both of you so much that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep all of us together, not because it's what I want but because it's what I think is best for the baby. Sorry, but I don't trust anyone else to take care of my family the way that I do. IMO, too many people mistreat their children even though they think they are doing the right thing for me to feel comfortable with having a grandchild given up to another family.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.

I have thought alot about this idea too, since my dd was 16 when she gave birth and was really not ready for all of this. We do co-parent, dd is in charge so it does not get confusing for dgs but she really needs A LOT of support. I would love, love, love to be his parent if she did not think she could do it but I do think it could be very damaging to her emotionally. For many reasons but for one to see me raising her child, and also .. to have "failed". I have tried to avoid anything like that by being as supportive as I possibly can and still maintain that she is in the drivers seat. (that is sooo not easy sometimes)


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

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Why would you have to be birthmother and sibling? That doesn't make any sense to me, either. You'd be the child's birth mother. Period.
No, I wouldn't be the child's mother in an adoption situation, I would be the child's bithmother. Somebody else would have legal rights to the child, more legal rights than myself. What school they go to, how to discipline, what to feed the baby/child, the daycare/babysitters, the list goes on and on. The adoptive mother, and in this scenario that would also be grandma, would have all the legal rights to those decisions and as long as she is not breaking the law, there's nothing me as the birthmother could do about it. Of course I can talk to and reason with my mom about the hypothetical child, but in the end it's her decision to make. I would not be able to watch all those decisions go down without saying a word. Inevitably, she would do something I wouldn't agree with, and it may be harmless, but I'd disagree nonetheless and it'd be very hard for me emotionally to let go. To know that *I* am not the one with the rights. However if another family that I only knew because of the adoption, not really strangers because I would obviously get to know them before everything was finalized, it would be much easier for me. It would be much easier to not have to see the day to day things. I would never speak up about anything I disagreed with, short of abuse or breaking the law because it's not my place.

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If you put your baby up for adoption with the state or an adoption agency or an attorney, they don't go to your family first, do they? They give notice to all the adoptive parents that they have a baby available. How are those people not strangers?
Birthmothers always choose the adoptive parents. She could choose the baby's grandma, or she could not. She can also choose to hand the baby over to the state and have them choose an adoptive family. The baby is then a ward of the state and in fostercare. The baby would likely go to a foster home until the legalities could be hammered out (you would need to be licensed as a foster care home, home inspection, background check, yada yada yada until they could officially terminate the parental rights and you could officially be named as the adoptive mother). The state pretty much always tries to home foster children with family, as long as they and their home are suitable. This is all assuming nobody else in the family tried to fight for the baby. They would have no mroe rights than you would. Sometimes, next of kin is given priority, but more often than not, it's whatever they deem as the best interest of the child which could or could not be you. At least that's how I understand it all, somebody correct me if I'm wrong.

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And, yes, I would take that baby against my dd's wishes if I could. I would strongly discourage her from giving the baby up in the first place, though.
You can't. There is no such thing as Grandparent's rights. Your daughter and her bf are the only ones with legal rights to the child. If you legally tried to take your dd's baby against her wishes, you could probably forget about ever seeing much of her and her baby or having a relationship with her and her child again. At least that's how I would react. The harder you push, the harder they push back. Do you not see how that's greatly overstepping your boundaries?? You can call it "best interest of your family" or whatever, but really it's telling your daughter that the grandmother can make better decisions than she can. And maybe so in your opinion, but you do not have that right, and thank god for that. (not you in particular, just in general)

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Co-parenting goes on all the time between husbands and wives and other partners. I truly don't understand why it's seems like such a strange or bad concept for grandparents and parents to take care of the child together.
Co parents are generally biological parents to the child though. And if not that, a step parent. It would not work well for my mother and I to coparent for a myriad of reasons. Mother Theresa or anyone else could be my mother, and it still wouldn't work well for me.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
Co parents are generally biological parents to the child though. And if not that, a step parent. It would not work well for my mother and I to coparent for a myriad of reasons. Mother Theresa or anyone else could be my mother, and it still wouldn't work well for me.

This is all about you. You are projecting how you would feel as the birthmother based on your relationship with your mother onto your hypothetical dd and her child. There are cultures where the entire community parents the children of the community and those children are quite all right. I think the idea of that somehow being a bad or complicated or confusing thing for the child is cultural.

I do agree that the adoption is a legality and how far one takes it is only in their own minds. I would not adopt my child's child so that I could take over and control everything. I would encourage my child to be as involved as s/he was capable of and wanted to be at any given time. I would allow my child to have at least as much input into what happened with the child as I would, if that was what my child wanted. That's not any different, again, than partners in a marriage or committed relationship with children who co-parent. My dh does things with my children that I disagree with quite a bit and I do the same. We deal with it. I guess maybe the difference is that even though I may have legal custody of the child, in my mind I would still understand that the child is my grandchild.

This is all hypothetical and I think the specific circumstances depend a lot on the situation and relationship between the parents and pregnant teen. I just don't envision myself having the type of adversarial relationship with my teen that she would fight me on something like this or that we would end up never seeing each other again. That's a bit overly dramatic, I think. Anything is always possible, of course. I'm not so naive as to not understand that. However, regardless of Grandparents' legal rights or lack thereof, I would fight for custody of my grandchild if my child wanted to give him/her up for adoption. I don't see that as overstepping any boundaries. I would have a biological connection to that child and that child to me, albeit secondary to the parent and child. (Why do you suppose so many adopted children grow up and seek out their bio families?)

I don't know what else to say on this subject. I think I've explained myself as much as I can.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i guess i think it is unfortunate that you would disregard what your daughter thinks is best for her and her child. if she believes the best thing she can do for her and her child is give the child up for adoption to a couple looking to adopt fighting that your wishes override hers seems incredibly disrespectful. You don't trust her to make the right decision for her and her baby so you take her to court and fight her legally on it. i don't understand that. i don't understand not respecting your child and trusting her to make the right decision.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Then I guess we will have to just not understand each other. Different POVs.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I would tell her not to have an abortion... but, I would also tell her it was ultimately her choice and I would not look down on her no matter what.

I would also get her a very good family law attorney if she decided to keep the child, to protect her from the BF or his parents.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:

There are cultures where the entire community parents the children of the community and those children are quite all right. I think the idea of that somehow being a bad or complicated or confusing thing for the child is cultural.
I never said it was bad or confusing for a child, I'm sure it can be a great thing. I'm saying for me, I would not want to coparent with my mother (or anyone else who wasn't the child's father or my spouse.) Hard to say what I would feel if it were my daughter as my oldest is only 3. I'd help her as much as much as she was willing to help herself, but I don't see adopting the grandchild unless she was incarcerated or something. Even then, I'd probably just want custody and guardianship, not actually adopt unless that's what she wanted.

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I guess maybe the difference is that even though I may have legal custody of the child, in my mind I would still understand that the child is my grandchild.
I don't understand what the point of adopting is then? You can do all of those things without even obtaining guardianship/custody, let alone adoption.

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I just don't envision myself having the type of adversarial relationship with my teen that she would fight me on something like this or that we would end up never seeing each other again
I don't think anyone ever envisions it for their own children.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
Even then, I'd probably just want custody and guardianship, not actually adopt unless that's what she wanted....I don't understand what the point of adopting is then? You can do all of those things without even obtaining guardianship/custody, let alone adoption.

Maybe I was using the wrong term. I said I would adopt because the issue of adoption was raised. If it were just a matter of me getting custody rather than adopting, I would do that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
I don't think anyone ever envisions it for their own children.

Having a dd who got pregnant is hypothetical for me as I only have boys. However, I do seriously worry about my 17yo ds getting someone pregnant. He has at least 2 friends who have done that and they don't seem to have any legal rights to the child. The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children. I could be kept completely out of the loop if something like that happened. I may never even know. That is very disturbing to me.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:

The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children.
Those fathers should then really consider going to court for visitation, but yeah, I can definitely see with boys how it would be possible for their mothers to never know they conceived a child/ren.

I'm no lawyer, but as long as the fathers haven't been proven irresponsible/incapable of caring for the child, then I see no reason why they wouldn't get visitation at least one day/month. If there's a court order and mom still refuses to hand baby over, then the father can call the police and have them escort the baby to the father's car.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i think its horrible that a father may not get to see his child b/c the mother is a UAV. i have a friend in this situation. his g/f got pg...once she had the baby she couldn't make up her mind who the father was... as in she alternated between three guys... and refused to get a paternity test. this went on until cps took the baby from her (finally) when they broke up a party and she was on PCP and had the baby with her. finally they got a paternity test.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
Those fathers should then really consider going to court for visitation

I agree but these are teens. They don't necessarily have the resources to take the mothers to court. They have to rely on their parents to help them navigate the system and come up with the money needed. Their parents aren't always very helpful.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I agree but these are teens. They don't necessarily have the resources to take the mothers to court. They have to rely on their parents to help them navigate the system and come up with the money needed. Their parents aren't always very helpful.









this is so true.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
The mothers kept their babies but don't allow the fathers to have much of anything to do with their children. I could be kept completely out of the loop if something like that happened. I may never even know. That is very disturbing to me.

that is so sad. my grandson's dad moved to a town a couple of hours away and has not seen his son since July. I just cant imagine how he can go that long. while I don't think its good for him to live here with my dd - I also think my grandson needs to maintain a regular relationship with his dad.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I have thought alot about this idea too, since my dd was 16 when she gave birth and was really not ready for all of this. We do co-parent, dd is in charge so it does not get confusing for dgs but she really needs A LOT of support. I would love, love, love to be his parent if she did not think she could do it but I do think it could be very damaging to her emotionally. For many reasons but for one to see me raising her child, and also .. to have "failed". I have tried to avoid anything like that by being as supportive as I possibly can and still maintain that she is in the drivers seat. (that is sooo not easy sometimes)

I went through this same type of situation when I had my oldest at 20. I was not ready to be a mother. My mother supported me tremendously unlike my father who basically told me I had made my bed and now had to lie in it. I had a lot of conflicts with my mother about how to raise my ds at that time. Now that I'm older, more mature, and have more children, I wish I had appreciated her more back then. Turned out she was right.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *samy23* 
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

Well my dd is 19 so past that age. My answer wouldn't change though. I'd tell her congratulations, tell her we love her, will supporter her and the baby and discuss if she has told the bio dad.


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## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

I would support her, offer to help her in all things except abortion. If she felt strongly about having one, I wouldn't hate her for it, But i couldn't morally help her terminate a pregnancy, I live my life to help people have children, I would definitely help her with adoption if that is what she wanted. I know many many people that would love to adopt, including me.
I would also help her raise her baby.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 16, 4 months after I got married, So I was already living in an adult world so I was prepared to take care of my child. I don't regret it for one second. I had no support from family other then my husband at the time (he was 23). Now 12 years later, My mother has said to me that "i wish you would have waited, I could have supported you better if you had waited, don't you see what you missed?"

honestly I didn't miss anything. I still did everything I wanted to do. The only people that missed anything were the people that didn't support me in my decision. They missed seeing a little boy being born and loving him for the first few years of his life, the birth of his brother when I was 19 and seeing him through toddlerhood.

My children had enough love from me and my husband. If I could have hit the pause button and lived like a normal 16 year old did, i wouldn't have done it.


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