# What are your thoughts on Supernanny?



## wfuteach (Jun 13, 2007)

I am new to the idea of Gentle Discipline, and have been reading here and some of the books you guys have suggested. I am having lots of trouble with my newly three year old daughter (especially hitting and pushing me and her one year old sister).

We watched an episode last night, and my husband was intrigued by the naughty chair and how calm she urges the parents to be--this is the hardest part for both of us--staying calm and patient.

Of course, we are working on ways to avoid these types of problems as well (more direct interaction, more time with my oldest without her sister, etc). But I am curious about what your thoughts are about the Supernanny and her discipline techniques and methods, if you are familiar with her/them.

Thanks for any feedback you might have. Again, new to all of this!


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

At first I watched Supernanny to hate her. I'm evil like that, I watch something just to get angry. I wasn't angry- not a Jo that is. I don't always agree with what she says or does, but I have used some of her ideas only tweaked to fit our family. I use the sticker reward thingy- my kids earn 10 stickers for something they REALLY want (DS gets video game hour-DD gets her fav. movie or game)

The naughty chair. I don't like "the chair" i do use "time out" in one spot away from the rest of us. I use it more for calm down area for both DC and us. I do 1 min for every year- and I don't use it untill DC are 2 yrs old. I think the biggest part of Supernanny is to be consistant. You have to pick something and stick to it, no matter how far your DC goes. If you say NO more cookies- then mean no. Or bed time is 9pm- then you have to make that time EVERY DAY! Consistant is the key, and all the others are more personal, IMHO that is!


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

She has some good ideas about spending more time with kids, about playing together, about developing routines and letting kids know what is expected. But, overall I think her approach is very negative. She is seeing kids as an enemy to be controlled. There is little to no emphasis on understanding the feelings of the child. She starts from a place of comply because I say so. That doesn't really allow for understanding WHY the child is acting out. What is going on emotionally and developmentally? Her approach is all about shutting the kid down and making the bad behavior stop. I see that as missing the bigger picture of understanding the child's needs, building a close relationship and finding ways to work together.

When you watch Supernanny I would suggest asking yourself - is she putting this family on the same team or on opposing teams? What we want our kid to get is we are all in this together. We will learn together, we will make mistakes together, we'll have easier days and harder days, but whatever happens we love each other and are together in supporting each other. It is about building that long term relationship based on respect and trust. I am having a hard time seeing that come about when a child is desperately crying out for the parent feeling terrible and the parent's response is to simply return the child to the "naughty bench".

So, I'd say there bravo that you are trying to find ways to live together that will work better for your family. I'd encourage you to take the little bit of positive you can get from Supernanny and move on to other things. For more gentle but still somewhat structured approaches you may want to look at Becky Bailey's Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline or Barbara Coloroso Kids are Worth it.

Oh and you might find this critique interesting: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/supernanny.htm


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## Writerbird (Jun 1, 2007)

I sometimes wonder if Jo Frost herself doesn't sometimes have issues with the editing of the show.

The reason I wonder... well, take the very show mentioned here, the one where the toddler who was used to Mom lying down with her and cuddling her to sleep. Jo just dusted her hands and declared it over. At least, it looked that way.

I seem to recall her book being much less simplistic. Mom has needs as well as the toddler, and Jo doesn't think it's realistic for Mom to be able to lie down for three hours every single night for months on end with saintlike patience. But a cozy, snuggling ritual that happens every night, as dependable as sunset, is something she considers key to a child's well being.

Reality TV edits everyone, star and subject, and shades of gray just don't fit into 22 minute segments. I actually won't watch the show anymore - too many endings with barely concealed rage on the part of both parents and kids turned my stomach.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I dont know what goes on behind the show but I have to say that I dont agree with her techniques. They 'work', but like smacking your child our using punitive punishmentns 'work'...they 'work' for the wrong reasons.....
I have seen a few of her shows and it seems that they manage to turn these children into 'angel' in a matter of 3 weeks?...So perhaps thats why they do to such extremes? Or perhaps the '3 weeks' is a myth and part of the editing? lol... All I know is that GD works, and for the right reasons - and if you use it from the start, you shouldnt end up with all those 'issues' they show at the start of her show 'Supernanny'... if its introduced late, then...like how they show in the tele show....then I think it will work...just not in 3 weeks! lol The methods they show are almost like a 'quick fix' whilst I think if GD was used instead to heal turn the families around, it wouldnt be quick and it would take a whole lot from everyone for it to work and help turn the families around... perhaps not even be interresting watching... So yeah, ive gone on a bit...lol


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

I do like some of her techniques. I like the house rules posted, I like the effort she puts in helping the parents treat their children respectfully while setting boundaries. I do not like the punitive aspect of the show - the naughty chair, for example, and the reward charts. It is really hard to see a "quick fix" for discipline when discipline is not something quick - it's gained over time. That, and her ideas seem too static. I mean, they'll help the parent right now, and in a lot of these homes, Supernanny is the best option for them at the moment, but I'm concerned that once the children outgrow these stages and stop responding to the punishment/reward system, the parent will resort back to an even worse set of discipline tactics. I am hoping that there is more behind the scenes from Jo that encourages the parents to grow with their children.


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## foehnjye (Mar 4, 2005)

That's great that you are learning about gentle discipline, and there are a huge number of resources here to help you along your path. It's a road that takes a LOT of work! I generally agree with what everyone else has written. It appears that she is effective, and I do think she has some good ideas especially when it comes to helping parents understand they need to spend time with their children. But I definitely do not see her approach as being one that allows parents to understand the child's needs. I do not like the naughty chair idea, and oftentimes it seems that chair is done in a highly punitive and unrelenting way (obviously!).

I think that learning how to talk to our children as suggested in the Faber/ Mazlish book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk" is one of the greatest strategies in becoming gentle in our discipline that I have found. Other techniques such as "benching" or "Time-outs" can be effective if done non-punitively, but unless you have patience of steel, it can be really hard to not get emotional when our kids push our buttons! Learning how to listen effectively to what they need in times of conflict, I have found, to be the most important thing to dealing with my children.

Lastly, one thing I have found to be very helpful for me, lately, is simply not taking anything personally, and trying to understand age-related issues for what they are. If we can not-react badly during a rough patch, then it's easier to help our kids resolve the issues affecting them, and to move onto happier moments.

Good luck!


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

She seems like she would be great at training dogs. People: Not so much.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Some of her ideas are ok- spending more time with the kids, listening to them, etc.
But the "naughty chair" - ick ick ick! It certainly does NOT promote attachment, which imo is the best base for discipline.

I much prefer the style of Jan Hunt www.naturalchild.com


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

some of her tips are great, I agree with the pp, the show seems to edit more out of it than really happens, her books is much more thought out and doesnt come off as mean etc.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

I enjoy her and think she has some great advice.


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## Mammy Julie (Sep 24, 2007)

I dont think Supernanny can in any way or form be considered gd. Whats gd about telling a child theyre naughty and forcing them to sit in one spot for a set amount of time? I do think that the families she works with have usually reached a point where they need some major intervention and maybe Jo is the one to give that - perhaps if you get that far down the line its harder to apply gd. however start with gd and surely you should never need resort to her methods. I also hate how the reasons for the childrens behaviour isnt fully explored and its all about fixing the problem. all shes teaching those children to do is supress their emotions and pretend to be something theyre not. She did a phone in once on a show here in the Uk. A mother of an 11 month old rang in because her ds was waking through the night, he was still nursing. She reccomended weaning from the breast and sleep training - I've hated her ever since lol.

Theres another show over here called House of tiny Tearaways with a psychologist called Tanya Byron. Again her methods are a bit punitive but the families are in crisis so strong interventions are needed. The big difference is she also does family therapy to find out why the problems are there and to help them through them. I still wouldnt use her methods but at least shes looking at the whole picture and not just the childs behaviour. I think thats the basis for gd - treat the cause not the symptoms.


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## wfuteach (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks for all the feedback. I guess I was being a little short sighted and maybe too literal--seeing the gentle part of gentle discipline as the fact that she doesn't believe in spanking and urges the parents to stay calm, patient, and that many of the problems can be avoided by attention, interaction, etc.

I have to ask though, and you guys might laugh at me. I still just don't get how you handle behavior problems. I am trying so hard to be calm and attentive and patient and understanding with my 3 year old, but she still does things sometimes, even when I am right there playing with her, that are just nasty, and I feel like I have to do something. (like pushing her sister over just for coming near her). I realize that the ideal solution is to never allow the problem to occur and to intervene before, but I must be missing something...how do I teach her NOT to do these things?

TIA!


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## Mammy Julie (Sep 24, 2007)

If Adams rough with other children I try to get him to empathise with how the other child is feeling. Something like 'Oh it hurts when you do that. Now shes upset'. I ask the child he hurt is she ok and basically just try to get Adams attention on the consequences of what he did - ie the child is now hurt, crying, upset. Warning for this one dont over do it - I've been in situations where the hurt child has learned to play the victim because getting hurt gets them a lot of attention and thats not good either. You could also try asking her why she pushes her sister (at another quiet moment) and ask her how she feels when she does it. Ask her to work with you to find a solution where if shes feeling upset she can do something else to ease her frustrations so her sister doesnt get hurt (use age appropriate language) and again explain (without blame or disapproval) how pushing hurts. maybe asking her to talk about a time when someone hurt her and how she felt about it could help her empathise with her sister?


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I think her show is unethical. I feel so bad for those kids having their "flaws" exposed on national TV without their consent (because they're so young they couldn't possibly give informed consent.) I feel the show violates children in this way.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wfuteach* 
I have to ask though, and you guys might laugh at me. I still just don't get how you handle behavior problems. I am trying so hard to be calm and attentive and patient and understanding with my 3 year old, but she still does things sometimes, even when I am right there playing with her, that are just nasty, and I feel like I have to do something. (like pushing her sister over just for coming near her). I realize that the ideal solution is to never allow the problem to occur and to intervene before, but I must be missing something...how do I teach her NOT to do these things?

Yes, you have it right--the strategy with a three year old is prevention, because they have no impulse control. You could give time-outs, but I think most people think that at three they are kind of useless. (Though it might not be bad to get her away from her sister!) You just have to keep repeating, "In our house we don't hit" and removing her. We had issues with biting at one and two, and the way we dealt was by looking him in the eye and just repeating, "No biting" or "we don't bite."

I should say that I have only one so I haven't had to deal with how hard it is with a new baby. (Wish I had--if wishes were babies, I'd have changed a lot of diapers. Heh.) It seems like everyone here finds it really hard!

You're right that you can learn from the Supernanny about the patience and not losing her temper. (I guess--I don't have a TV and haven't watch the show!







) Though she has it easier than we do--these aren't her kids. It's much easier to stay calm when you aren't freaking out that this is an indication of the person's character, or of your parenting to date. Also, if the misbehavior is pushing the baby, you have all kinds of feelings about people hurting your littler baby! So yes, patience and calm are key, but the Supernanny can be super because she's the nanny, you know?

It's the calm and patience and routines that make this work, not the patented, super-duper Naughtychair (TM) with super-duper punishing powers! Bah.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

And some people learn by being around other moms! If you can spend time with some AP moms like a toddler meeting at La Leche League (if applicable) or an Attachment Parenting International group....or a group you start yourself with a sign you put up somewhere...or just hanging out with a mom you admire...

I learn by reading, but also by observing other moms.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wfuteach* 
I have to ask though, and you guys might laugh at me. I still just don't get how you handle behavior problems. I am trying so hard to be calm and attentive and patient and understanding with my 3 year old, but she still does things sometimes, even when I am right there playing with her, that are just nasty, and I feel like I have to do something. (like pushing her sister over just for coming near her). I realize that the ideal solution is to never allow the problem to occur and to intervene before, but I must be missing something...how do I teach her NOT to do these things?

TIA!

For me, physical aggression (either pushing/shoving or hittign with an object) are the only times I use a separation 'time out-y' type of thing. Basically in my house, physical aggression=taking a break. And destroying property=taking a break. Not in an isolation, you can't be with us kind of way but in a 'hey let's figure out a better way to deal with whatever just happened' way, and also in a 'let's short circuit this cycle' way. I don't do a naughty chair and I don't time anything, and I don't frame it in a punitive manner, BUT, the activity, whatever it was, stops until everyone calms down and feels better. The discpline is talking about how it could have been handled without hurting each other, and how in the future, I expect them to not hurt each other (yes, almost 16-mo-old DD can hold her own with her big brother!














. Anything on top of that tends to breed resentment and increase power struggles (and decrease cooperation), from what I've seen and heard from others who do use time outs and other punitive measures for 'misbehaving'...or at best (and I use that term loosely), it leads to a compliant chid, but not necessarily one that understands the reasons why behind things, and just does or doesn't do stuff because they want to avoid being punished. It's the focus on 'what's going to happen to ME' versus 'how is what I'm doing affecting others' that's the difference between the two.

For issues other than the above, me the setting/enforcing of the boundary or limit and discussion of it *is* the discipline, *is* the teaching to do or not do things. IMO there's no need (and no benefit) to doing anything TO them as punishment on top of that. That's the thing that I think most people don't understand about GD. They think because parents aren't "doing anything to" the child, that there's no lesson learned. That's not been my experience with my almost 4-yr-old. He has learned a LOT from discussions, explanations, suggestions, and above all, modeling. He's not perfect, but who is?


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## butterflykisses4 (Oct 16, 2007)

Ok this may sound horrible but watching her show allows me to really be thankful of the kids I have. Yes they have their days but don't we all? They yell and don't listen but in the long run they aren't as badly behaved as those on her show. I mean some of them bite and hit and curse and horrible things to their parents and siblings. I like watching her she lets me know I am not alone but my kids are by no means the worst of the worst. LOL


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I watch quite a few of her shows and I hate the naughty chair. But we don't believe in time-out period.

Beyond the naughty chair, most of the shows that I have seen, she reprimands the parents more. She is very anti-spanking and one show I saw, she told the mom how bad spanking was and that she needed to eliminate it as a punishment. She spends more time teaching the parents how to be better parents and interact with the kids more and provide positive encouragement.

I'm not really sure why she gets such a bad rap here. Or maybe I just haven't seen enough of the shows.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I always wish I could see unvarnished, uncut footage from a month later.









I love the way she focuses on connection, respect, playing, and family time.
I hate the naughty chair and the emphasis on behaviorism.

Also, she does come off as anti-AP rather regularly--mildly anti-EN, definitely anti-cosleeping, "you need to put that baby down sometimes," etc.

I admit that I also sometimes watch it to remind myself that my child is really okay and so am I.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
I always wish I could see unvarnished, uncut footage from a month later.









http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/liv...n_page_id=1770


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MtBikeLover* 

I'm not really sure why she gets such a bad rap here. Or maybe I just haven't seen enough of the shows.

Bad breastfeeding advice for one thing. Her book says all babies should have formula starting at six weeks, and that moms should "sterilize" their nipples with a vinegar solution.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=764982


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
Bad breastfeeding advice for one thing. Her book says all babies should have formula starting at six weeks, and that moms should "sterilize" their nipples with a vinegar solution.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=764982


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
Anything on top of that tends to breed resentment and increase power struggles (and decrease cooperation), from what I've seen and heard from others who do use time outs and other punitive measures for 'misbehaving'...or at best (and I use that term loosely), it leads to a compliant chid, but not necessarily one that understands the reasons why behind things, and just does or doesn't do stuff because they want to avoid being punished. It's the focus on 'what's going to happen to ME' versus 'how is what I'm doing affecting others' that's the difference between the two.

For issues other than the above, me the setting/enforcing of the boundary or limit and discussion of it *is* the discipline, *is* the teaching to do or not do things. IMO there's no need (and no benefit) to doing anything TO them as punishment on top of that. That's the thing that I think most people don't understand about GD. They think because parents aren't "doing anything to" the child, that there's no lesson learned. That's not been my experience with my almost 4-yr-old. He has learned a LOT from discussions, explanations, suggestions, and above all, modeling. He's not perfect, but who is?

I totally agree.
When ds does something totally unacceptable (hitting is rare, but stuff like taking toys from his younger friend is relatively common) I say something like "Do NOT do that!" and explain how his action affects the other person. I do insist on some things, for example that he NOT yank toys out of the 2yo's hands. I insist, and I wait for him to comply. While I'm waiting, I offer some alternative solutions "If you want that toy, then get her a toy she would like."
There's not really a "consequence" that would be helpful as a teaching tool in that situation. My first impulse is to take the toy away totally. But I know that it would just result in *two* kids who are upset with me, and neither of them will learn anything about the situation (except that I suck!! lol)

I try to be understanding of what ds is feeling, and what impulse is behind the action.
For your dd hitting, there could be a lot of reasons behind it, which are all legitimate reasons. So find an alternative way for her to express that impulse. So, if she's mad, then give her other ways to express that- yell "I'm mad!!" jump up and down, roar like a lion, etc etc. If it's something else, explore that. kwim?


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## wfuteach (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I appreciate it. So, can I ask (I hope this is okay) do any of you utilize time out at all, in any circumstances? How do you do it? What were your experiences with it? Why do you or don't you do it? When do you or don't you do it?

Sorry...I should probably start a new thread! I guess I am just trying to understand. I'm so focused on staying calm and patient myself, which I feel will alleviate a LOT of our problems. But when I don't or when she does cross the line, it sounds like you are all saying that time outs aren't necessary.

Feel free to PM me with other suggestions/feedfback if need be. I appreciate it.


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wfuteach* 
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I appreciate it. So, can I ask (I hope this is okay) do any of you utilize time out at all, in any circumstances? How do you do it? What were your experiences with it? Why do you or don't you do it? When do you or don't you do it?


Time out for us is not punitive. It's a break, a time to get yourself under control again and get back to the problem. That does not mean that a time out is taken on a naughty mat, in the corner, or even alone. By putting the focus on regaining self control, it broadens our thinking of it - on the couch together, taking a walk, alone with a book, locked in the bathroom (that's my time out







) and THEN going back to the problem and handling it with a cool head. It's anything from a "hey, kid, let's leave this for a minute. You're getting really upset" to "Mom needs a break. NOW!"









eta: the 'crossing the line' does not warrant a time out. It means there's an immediate need for teaching or a removal of the situation until teaching can occur.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wfuteach* 
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I appreciate it. So, can I ask (I hope this is okay) do any of you utilize time out at all, in any circumstances? How do you do it? What were your experiences with it? Why do you or don't you do it? When do you or don't you do it?

We used to do timeouts and they had a horrible effect on my DS. He is extremely sensitive and would get hysterical during them. My husband did them more than I did and he did them in the typical way - put them in a spot for 2 minutes and leave them there, no matter how much they screamed. It killed me every time and it caused a lot of fights between us because I would end up going to my son because he was so upset. Finally, after a really bad timeout where my son could hardly breathe from crying so hard, I vowed to find a way to get my husband to stop doing them. We went to the bookstore and I had him read a passage from UP about how punitive a timeout is and how upsetting it is for the child. It took a little more talking later that night, but my husband stopped doing timeouts. And what a difference it made in my son.

We haven't done timeouts in almost 2 years and there really is no reason to do them. We spend a lot of time talking and explaining and helping the kids develop good, effective communication skills.

Every once in a while, my son will get out of control (where someone would get hurt) and I will take him up to his room to get him to calm down. I stay with him and try ot hold him/read to him/sing to him/etc.


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## Mammy Julie (Sep 24, 2007)

I have in the past done a sort of time out when Adam gets too overwhelmed but its in no way a punishment. I see it as a way of removing him from a situation that he cant handle and give him the opportunity to clear his head. I usually just sit him beside me but theres no time limit and he can get up and go whenever he wants. It usually took less then a minute, he just needed some redirection. I casnt even remember the last time I had to do that though.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I would separate my children from each other if they were hurting each other. I would separate myself from my children if I felt like I was losing it. But I didn't use any name for it like "time out" or "naughty chair" etc.


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