# Guess what MIL got ds for his 1st bday???



## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

An "official" time-out bench and the old paddle that she used to threaten her kids with to get them to behave.

The bench is still in a box and needs to be assembled, and the label on it actually says Wooden Time Out Bench. The paddle is the kind that used to have a string and ball attached to it.

Now doesn't that beat all?

ETA: She did of course buy him some toys, those gifts were more for daddy, she said.


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## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

Well, the next time someone on this board complains about the plastic cr$# that the in-laws got their DC for their birthday, you can one-up them with this one. I have no idea what people are thinking. Sorry you have to put up with this,mama.


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## Quinn'sMommy (Jan 2, 2005)

OMG! I'm totally speachless.


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## MomInFlux (Oct 23, 2003)

: And to think I was just muttering to myself about crap toys...


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## Annikate (Aug 2, 2005)

I'm sorry.


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## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Sounds like you need to have a bonfire. Grrrrr.... Truly outrageous.


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## Spock (May 15, 2005)

OMG.







What did you say to her when you saw those "gifts?"


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Sledgehammer THEN bonfire. And send her the ashes.


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## AladdinsLamp (Sep 12, 2005)

I agree. What kind of monster could hit a baby????


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *archaeomom*
ETA: She did of course buy him some toys, those gifts were more for daddy, she said.

And what did daddy think?


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)




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## anhaga (May 26, 2005)

Blech.







:


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Wow...okay you win the "Wait till you hear what my MIL did..." contest


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Un-freaking-believable. I'd have to offer her the paddle back in an enema, and return the bench to the store.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

DH told the family our boy doesn't get time-outs, and he would paint it bright colors and make it a play bench.
I muttered something along the lines of learning about other methods being more effective than time-outs.


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## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tara*
Sounds like you need to have a bonfire. Grrrrr.... Truly outrageous.

Second that. Great time of year for a fire. Just be careful with the varnish/paint - might give off bad fumes.

Really, what are you going to do with this? I can't imagine passing it on to anyone. Horrible items, IMO. I'm so sorry.

ETA: Paint! What a great idea! And great that your partner is so supportive!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

EFmom said:


> Un-freaking-believable. I'd have to offer her the paddle back in an enema
> 
> 
> > :
> ...


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama*
Wow...okay you win the "Wait till you hear what my MIL did..." contest

:LOL no joke!!!!!!!

I would give it back, or tell her I will promptly trash it. But my MIL would never try that one on me. If she did, that is what I would tell her though.


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

If the paddle is for "daddy", could you imply that she thinks that you two have a kinky sex life?


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

She sure as hell just lost babysitting privileges for life. Dh needs to have the sorry it ain't happen talk with her so that you aren't the bad guy.

Could someone print up an Award for "Most Coercive Birthday Gift in the World" and send a note to Guinesses Book of World Records?









Wow! I am nearly speechless. I would absolutely return the paddle with a note denying her the right to use it. On the other hand, do not let her get her hands on it as there might be other children in her life. Grrrrrrr.....

Pat


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Oh! Oh! Oh! I think Jan Hunt's "The Natural Child" web site has bumper stickers that say "People are not for hitting. Children are people too." Please buy her several for Christmas, from your son, of course.









Pat


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

And get the free booklet "Straight Talk about Spanking" from www.NoSpank.net to give to her with the bumper stickers. It has a well documented accounts of the psychological damage of hitting children. And it just means spanking with an open hand not even assault with an implement.

I am just too shocked to stop shaking my head. A one year old. How sad.

Pat


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I am honestly and totally shocked. I don't shock easily...I've known people who grew up looking after younger siblings because mom and dad were too blitzed to get out of bed...I've known people who smoked crack with their parents...I've seen a lot of weird stuff. But, giving something like that as a _gift_ for a _baby_ is just so mind-boggling to me that I don't even have words!!

Your MIL just beat out my ex's sister and BIL, who once gave their 6-year-old a lump of coal for his Christmas stocking.


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## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*

Your MIL just beat out my ex's sister and BIL, who once gave their 6-year-old a lump of coal for his Christmas stocking.

Yeah, my parents gave me coal in my stocking and a bag of switches under the tree for Christmas one year. Well, until they could take my picture and have a good laugh and then reassured me it was just a joke, Santa just brought me these things to remind me he saw me when i was sleeping and knew when I was awake. Ha ha ha. Oh, those were the days. Not so funny to a 6 year old who has experienced switches. Ahem. Sickos.

Archaeomom, did she do it as a "joke?" or to get at you or was she totally serious? That takes the cake for twisted present. Maybe all of these parents could get together and do a nice white elephant for each other?


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Heh. My MIL, whose taste in decor runs towards the kitschy, bought that bench when I was expecting ds and keeps it on her hearth. It never occured to me to mind it (except as a matter of taste), because she doesn't USE it. My son really enjoys sitting on it. I hope your son enjoys his after its paint job.

A paddle, OTOH, is a hell of a "birthday gift." Even it was a joke, it was in poor taste. GD principles aside, I thought it was now ILLEGAL to hit a kid with anything other than one's hand. Maybe I am naive about our laws...


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## julesmom (Apr 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants*
Sledgehammer THEN bonfire. And send her the ashes.











Make sure you make a video of all this and send the tape along with the ashes!


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## SAHMinHawaii (Jun 2, 2004)

I say beat her with the paddle.


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## Girl Named Sandoz (Jul 16, 2002)




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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants*
If the paddle is for "daddy", could you imply that she thinks that you two have a kinky sex life?









Yes! Yes! This one! Paint the bench and save the paddle for, ahem, adult activities. Or at least lead your MIL to think that's what you're using it for.


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## shanagirl (Oct 24, 2005)

That does beat all. I have issues with my MIL to the extent that I don't speak to her much, but even she isn't insensitive enough to give a gift like this. I'm sorry you had to go through it. Is she loving toward your child?


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ann-Marita*
Yes! Yes! This one! Paint the bench and save the paddle for, ahem, adult activities. Or at least lead your MIL to think that's what you're using it for.




















I second the motion!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

She is loving towards my child. As far as I know not physically abusive, but obviously threatened with objects.
MIL handed the paddle to dh shortly after we walked in the door, all jokey saying "look what I found for you, you loved to play with this and then when the ball came off I used it to get you to behave", etc etc. I was busy changing a squirmy ds across the room. The time-out bench was actually wrapped and given with the rest of the gifts.
When SIL had to get the spatula to flip the burgers, she passed me and said "this is a good one to use to get them to behave too". It's all said in a joking manner, but very inappropriate IMO.
I did snap at SIL but good when she snottily said to me "don't you ever tell him no?" All he was doing was squirming in a chair. Me snapping at her was progress, I usually keep my mouth shut.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

What strange "humor". hahaha using a spatula to hit a kid hahaha. Sorry, I'm not trying to sound negative about your family. It *seems* like there's no harm intended.
You should tell MIL the next time you see her that you appreciate the DIY project. All it took was some assembly, and some paint to make it bright and cheery, and now your ds has his very own furniture, to sit in whenever he so desires








Yay for your dh for telling MIL that you guys don't do time out. Good for him!

I'll remember your story the next time someone buys ds one of those loud annoying toys as a gift. I can't be mad about ANY gift after hearing about yours!

At least you have all the women here at mdc to tell the story to- who will all understand


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Please don't let this nut babysit your kids.

I would throw it in the trash so it doesn't end up in somebody else's hands, and then I would let her know that I did it. That is outrageous. She sounds so toxic. I already sent my copy of Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward to someone else at MDC, but you may want to consider reading it.

I would not return it to her. Trash it and tell her. Your poor dh.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flyingspaghettimama*
Yeah, my parents gave me coal in my stocking and a bag of switches under the tree for Christmas one year. Well, until they could take my picture and have a good laugh and then reassured me it was just a joke, Santa just brought me these things to remind me he saw me when i was sleeping and knew when I was awake. Ha ha ha. Oh, those were the days. Not so funny to a 6 year old who has experienced switches. Ahem. Sickos.


Yup, what a delightful sense of humor they must have shared together. I'm so sorry, that action sounds beyond horrible.


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## mmmummy (Mar 12, 2005)

destroy them & tell her you made a donation-
to the local dump..







:


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

inezyv said:
 

> Please don't let this nut babysit your kids.
> 
> Agreed!


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## Englishmummy (Sep 30, 2005)

fantastic story. amazing.






















please let us know what your son gets for Christmas from her...


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## Englishmummy (Sep 30, 2005)

Ok, I am posting again. Spaghettimama- what are switches? Maybe I don't want to know...

I do hope that everything is ok in your family archeomama...sounds as though your husband had the sense knocked in to him, just like me- breaking the cycle! Hoorah!


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## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

Switches are thin sticks usually broken off from trees used to spank kids, like the meaner form of a twig. I dunno, are these only called this in the US South? Are they only _used_ in the US south, and other people get paddles and spoons and whatnot for _their_ birthdays and christmas?? You'd think I'd have this cultural knowledge by now.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kofduke*
Well, the next time someone on this board complains about the plastic cr$# that the in-laws got their DC for their birthday, you can one-up them with this one. I have no idea what people are thinking. Sorry you have to put up with this,mama.


Yeah that. A noisy plastic piece of Sponge Bob something would have been better.


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *archaeomom*
An "official" time-out bench and the old paddle that she used to threaten her kids with to get them to behave.
















:

That is hillarious. That needs to go in a worst gift hall of shame somewhere! I wonder what you'll get next year! Maybe a mini jail cell? lol.. (She's probably just trying to be helpful. Thank her and put it in the basement. Or paint a nice scene on it and put it in your garden.)


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

and you HAVE TO make her think you're using the paddle for you-know-what. I wish I'd thought of that.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

At least it was all natural wood, rather than tacky plastic.


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boston*
and you HAVE TO make her think you're using the paddle for you-know-what. I wish I'd thought of that.

I just can't help having a dirty mind sometimes.


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *archaeomom*
An "official" time-out bench and the old paddle that she used to threaten her kids with to get them to behave.

The bench is still in a box and needs to be assembled, and the label on it actually says Wooden Time Out Bench. The paddle is the kind that used to have a string and ball attached to it.

Now doesn't that beat all?.

Pun intended no doubt...


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

No one has the right to tell another person how to discipline their child. I think the MIL was out of line and would not be sitting for me anytime soon.


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
No one has the right to tell another person how to discipline their child. I think the MIL was out of line and would not be sitting for me anytime soon.

Yeah, esp not until you and MIL are clear on your discipline policies. Yikes!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flyingspaghettimama*
Switches are thin sticks usually broken off from trees used to spank kids, like the meaner form of a twig. I dunno, are these only called this in the US South? Are they only _used_ in the US south, and other people get paddles and spoons and whatnot for _their_ birthdays and christmas?? You'd think I'd have this cultural knowledge by now.

Nope, I grew up in Indiana and I've been hit with all the above, and then some. Received the coal and switches in our Christmas stockings in first or second grade too. Lovely. At least they didn't sell our gifts on e-bay like some dad. It'd have been threatened for sure though if e-bay existed in the 70's.

Oh, and we had to go choose our own switch and cut it when we were old enough. Just fyi, no empathy requested. We are just doing it differently. They did what they knew. We know differently.

Pat


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Oh, I can't wait until I learn all sorts of GD methods, and get to tell her about them









The problem with the IL's is that they just aren't too, um, educated.

Minor progress has been made, SIL called last night to apologize for our interaction. What happened was, ds was in one of those chairs that attaches to the table, and he was getting all squirmy. SIL yelled at him "SIT DOWN". Dh shot her a dirty look, then looked at ds and said "ignore her" (as if ds understood). Then she barked at me "Don't you tell him no?" when I snapped back that she shouldn't criticize my mothering techniques. Anyway







she called to say sorry for her loud mouth and that she was just afraid he was going to fall out, and she thinks I'm an awesome fabulous Mom.

So that's a little progress at least.

It's been pretty typical all along with them. Ya know, why aren't you giving him cereal (6 weeks), why aren't you leaving him to cry, etc, etc?


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## SusannahM (Sep 15, 2005)

First, I would ask for the receipt to return it for a refund. If she wouldn't give it to me, then I think I would cut the bench into pieces and make ds a neat toy out of it and make it a point for him to play with it in front of her the next time you go there and tell her what you made it out of.


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## tboroson (Nov 19, 2002)

Or assemble it, paint it with pretty hippie flowers, then put it in the bathroom so he can use it to stand and reach the sink.


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## julesmom (Apr 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *archaeomom*
Oh, I can't wait until I learn all sorts of GD methods, and get to tell her about them









The problem with the IL's is that they just aren't too, um, educated.

Minor progress has been made, SIL called last night to apologize for our interaction. What happened was, ds was in one of those chairs that attaches to the table, and he was getting all squirmy. SIL yelled at him "SIT DOWN". Dh shot her a dirty look, then looked at ds and said "ignore her" (as if ds understood). Then she barked at me "Don't you tell him no?" when I snapped back that she shouldn't criticize my mothering techniques. Anyway







she called to say sorry for her loud mouth and that she was just afraid he was going to fall out, and she thinks I'm an awesome fabulous Mom.

So that's a little progress at least.

It's been pretty typical all along with them. Ya know, why aren't you giving him cereal (6 weeks), why aren't you leaving him to cry, etc, etc?

The gifts are still horrible...but it does sound like she is trying to learn from your parenting (and is obviously willing to apologize for some of her behavior). That's pretty good...


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## ILuvMyBaby (Feb 24, 2004)

I would have not know what to say in that situation...but I know it would have been along the lines of ... " this is firewood right".


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

wow, i never thought i'd appreciate my in-laws!!!







i love the idea of turning the bench into a pretty piece of furniture! the paddle- same thing used on my by my grandmother. she was also fond of smacking us out of the blue & then calling them "love taps"







:


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## FreeSpiritMama (Oct 22, 2003)

OMG, I'm so sorry







Wow I am speechless


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *inezyv*
Please don't let this nut babysit your kids.

You know, I wouldn't appreciate the gifts either. But we are still talking about someone's mother (and MIL). Just as I don't think hitting is ever appropriate, I don't think name calling is either.

Back to the OP--Thank you for sharing, I think several of us just got a lesson in appreciating what we have. I love the fact that you have a plan for reusing the bench in a non-hurtful way. Maybe it will be a silent reminder to your MIL when she comes to visit that you do things differently. Perhaps do exactly the same with the paddle -- paint it and attach a new string and ball?


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *archaeomom*
When SIL had to get the spatula to flip the burgers, she passed me and said "this is a good one to use to get them to behave too". It's all said in a joking manner, but very inappropriate IMO.


Yeah.....I still have issues not seeing every spatula or wooden spoon I have in my kitchen as a potential spanking instrument.
(From them being used on me/my siblings, *not* me using them on my DC!)

And I definitely agree with painting the stool and painting/restoring the paddle to it's original usage


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

This is really sad. When she could have delighted him with some new toy or something, that's what she chose to do?

Bright side - DS is only 1 and so not really "aware" of what his birthday is or what presents are yet. Next year though . . . . .


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I just came across this thread. My MIL bought us a time out bench when my oldest dd was 2. Does yours have the words "Time Out" in wood on the front of the bench? Ours did. We stuck it in the garage and threw it away when we moved. Luckily, we live several states apart and don't see each other very often.


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## shanagirl (Oct 24, 2005)

archaoemom--given what SIL said to you and what MIL gave you, seems likely they are threatened and whacked out by your gentle parenting techniques. I was literally asked the same thing once: "What won't you let that child do?" This can be a difficult situation because when people are threatened by your parenting style, they unconsciously and consciously can look for things to criticize in your child. Just know it for what it really is- deep insecurity and unresolved feelings on their part about their own choices and possibly upbringing. But oo, it could be fun to imagine the gifts you could be giving them!


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## Englishmummy (Sep 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
No one has the right to tell another person how to discipline their child.

I disagree. If enough people had told my own parents that the way they were treating their children was appalling, we would not be in such a state now. I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions nowadays- if someone criticised my parenting technique I would listen and think about what they said. If I was hurting (not just physically) my child, I think anyone has the right to point it out to me. If I were to be doing that, I probably would not listen! When someone does criticise my mothering, I do not mind much- I am really trying my best (better than all of my critics- can I say that? How arrogant!) and if it is a good idea, I try my best to change









Anyway, I completely believe in the witness idea. If someone witnesses and stands up for you in the face of abuse (as a child) I think it has a profound impact on your understanding of the situation. I still remember this happening to me.

Anyway, the bench (archeomama- you sound like a lovely mummy!)...it is nearly Guy Fawkes Night (in England)- I think you should let your husband decide what he feels most appropriate, but if it were me, I would burn the bench along with the paddle on 5th and leave the past behind. Goodness, I would not want a reminder of that every day for the rest of my life (in my body and my mind is enough thanks). Glad to hear about the sister-in-law- spread the gentle parenting word









Happy Bonfire Night Everyone!!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I think I will let MIL know that dh and I are having quite a good time with the paddle
















I hope that it does not have Time Out written on it, we haven't opened the box yet.

After we unwrapped it, she said "the kids (meaning the teenage grandkids) think I'm horrible for giving you that". She was looking directly at me and she repeated it twice, so I'm guessing she was looking for affirmation that it wasn't horrible. If so, I am sure she noticed I did not correct her.
I think it's odd that it was wrapped as a gift, and I think it's more odd that she specifically stated it was for daddy.

But she often likes to give stuff "just for daddy". Oh dear, I could go on and on.....

I can state with much certainty that she would never raise a hand to my child. She won't see him enough to even get involved in any kind of discipline.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

OK - I really make a point not to weigh in on MIL rants. I feel like if you can't act at preserving life and love, don't act.

But - ugh! I'll break my vow. That's a really, really awful present! I'm so sorry you received it - at least the teenagers may have gotten her attention. What a terrible thing to give a child - that's not a gift at all.

I LOVE the idea of the paddle as an object of adult fun - even if it's not your thing, it's just too funny not to do. You could mention the annual convention "Beat me in St. Louis," too for kicks!

I wouldn't want the bench around - I'd pitch it. But if you can find a way to paint it and make it truly yours to love than you're a better person than me and you should do it!


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

You should take pictures of you and daddy enjoying the paddle as a joke and send it to her to thank her with a note saying how you appreciate how open she is about these things. Maybe she will think twice about bringing up the subject of spanking again, one can only hope.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

IRT Switching: My mom was switched when she was little, not very often according to her, but she was made to cut her own.

This was on an island in the middle of the bay of Fundy, Canada


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## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katallen*
You should take pictures of you and daddy enjoying the paddle as a joke and send it to her to thank her with a note saying how you appreciate how open she is about these things. Maybe she will think twice about bringing up the subject of spanking again, one can only hope.

Ha! Perhaps a website to accompany it?


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