# I have to get this out..



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I can't really express this to anyone in my real world.. heck, I don't even know how to express what i'm feeling.. I think you ladies here will 'get it' even if it doesn't come out right.

My 18 year old niece had a baby girl yesterday. 3 weeks and 1 day after my son was born.. I can't feel happy about this! I feel sick, I want to cry! I want to be happy for her and for the babe's safe birth.. but I can't help but feel negative! She (obviously at 18) was not trying to get pregnant, she's not with the dad, she smoked through the pregnancy... I TRIED to get pregnant, I wanted a baby - he fit into my life plans, I took care of my body while he was growing within me.. and MY BABY died!

I feel so horrible for typing that.. and for thinking it! Of course I don't want ANYONES BABY to die.. I just feel like I can't breathe, we were supposed to be having these babies together (I only have to go through 4-5 more births this year!) and now mine is gone and hers will be a constant reminder of what I should have. I'm SOOOO glad that this baby is a girl.. I think it will make things easier (and that she moved to Vegas 3 years ago, so doesn't live 5 minutes from me anymore) I just feel so conflicted .. I feel like the email my mil sent out letting everyone know should have just said Welcome baby - BORN ALIVE! Who cares about all the other details..


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## yummymummy2hannah (Aug 23, 2006)

It's totally normal to feel that way sweetie. I do know how you feel.







My own sister and I got pregnant together. She is due any day now and so should I be. I lost my son and she is having a boy. I can look happy for her and pretend to be and even lie to myself, but the truth is I feel jealous and mad. I'm not mad at her, but at the fact that she can hold her baby and see him grow up and mine is sitting in his cremation box by my fireplace.








You are right it's not fair. I hate it too. I hate that I feel this way too.


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## Julia'sMom (Mar 12, 2007)

I'm sure your feelings are normal and valid. My loss was only at 12 weeks, so not quite the same. However, my dh expressed similar feelings over the "unfairness" that we lost a child that we struggles so hard to conceive while others are just throwing away their children. I'm accepting that anger is part of the grieving process. Take all the time you need and I bet that you will move past someday and be able to share more in the joy. Don't feel bad about your feelings, you are not a horrible person. Feelings are valid and should not be judged. It's only how I act on the feelings that can be judged.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

You are totally normal. I see family members who puff away all during pregnancy and a few who subject their babies to it. I feel that this makes them horrible parents. I see on the news about kids hurt or killed by their parents and just don't get why he would take mine. Like you, I did everything right. I even had another homebirth thinking it was best for her (led to her death though). Lord knows, labor HURTS. I don't think any answer to why will ever be sifficient for any of us.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

I agree, those are normal feelings. I spend days just wanting to walk around and scream about how unfair it all is. When you've spent so much time trying for that baby and you put all this effort into it, only to see others just fall pregnant and seem so uncaring about it. I work with a women pregnant with twins who smokes a ton and it's been really difficult for me. Like, why does she get TWO babies when I couldn't even make it very far with one.

I can't imagine your pain, but I totally believe this is just part of the grieving process.







:


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

oh believe me..i know that feeling. i think it's normal too.







i am so very sorry for your loss...i know those are little words, but i mean them with a big heart..


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## ap mom (Dec 23, 2006)

I just read about Dresden on your blog and wish I had the right words. I am so very sorry for your loss and can't even imagine.... It's so understandable that you'd feel this way about your niece's baby. No words will suffice- just so sorry.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I also had similar feeling especially very close in time to my loss. I would stare at babies at the supermarket, library, gas station, whereever and wish that I had mine. I felt jealousy and anger. Its taken 10 months but I've mostly worked through those feelings. There are times, especially when I see a 10 month old that they come out again. But, give yourself time to work through your feelings and it OK to write them down and get them out into the universe. (((HUGS)))


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I think this is very normal. Waiting in the room after finding out that we'd lost this last baby I could hear the conversation they were having outside about a 14 year old girl the doctor delivered earlier in the day. It really upset me. I have avoided everyone I know who is pregnant, and I avoid TTC type message boards because I just am not in the place to type a big "CONGRATS!" to someone right now......


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## kayleesmom (Dec 16, 2004)

sending hugs


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Very normal.







We know in our heart that we wouldn't want anyone else to go through a loss, but we can't help feeling pain at their happiness.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Thanks everyone! I'm glad to be 'normal' I found out later in the day that my husband had the same thoughts.. I'm feeling better now, I looked at pictures of the baby yesterday, and of course she's adorable - still hard to think about my little guy not being here.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge hugs to you. we really do exactly how you feel.

with much love,
Rebecca


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

*hugs* it's normal. my cousin, who i love and is like a brother to me, got his girlfriend pregnant a month before catti died. he was 19. she was 18. they were together a MONTH. he was dealing drugs, doing drugs, partying, so was she...and prolly did thru the pregnancy-and her baby was born alive, and mine dead. not fair, and hard for me-up until a few months ago, i couldn't even be in the same room as their son-now since being pregnant again, i can finally relax and enjoy him (which i am glad, b/c he is the sweetest and cutest lil guy!) but i gave myself the time and space (and bitterness) I needed, to heal. not forever, but the wound was so fresh, it's to be expected.


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## MaryMomma3 (Oct 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
I can't really express this to anyone in my real world.. heck, I don't even know how to express what i'm feeling.. I think you ladies here will 'get it' even if it doesn't come out right.

My 18 year old niece had a baby girl yesterday. 3 weeks and 1 day after my son was born.. I can't feel happy about this! I feel sick, I want to cry! I want to be happy for her and for the babe's safe birth.. but I can't help but feel negative! She (obviously at 18) was not trying to get pregnant, she's not with the dad, she smoked through the pregnancy... I TRIED to get pregnant, I wanted a baby - he fit into my life plans, I took care of my body while he was growing within me.. and MY BABY died!

I feel so horrible for typing that.. and for thinking it! Of course I don't want ANYONES BABY to die.. I just feel like I can't breathe, we were supposed to be having these babies together (I only have to go through 4-5 more births this year!) and now mine is gone and hers will be a constant reminder of what I should have. I'm SOOOO glad that this baby is a girl.. I think it will make things easier (and that she moved to Vegas 3 years ago, so doesn't live 5 minutes from me anymore) I just feel so conflicted .. I feel like the email my mil sent out letting everyone know should have just said Welcome baby - BORN ALIVE! Who cares about all the other details..

I can sort of understand how you are feeling. My son was born sleeping on 6/9/08 at 36 1/2 weeks. 2 months later, my sister gave birth to a baby boy and does nothing but complain about how she wants her old life back. Granted, I already have 2 perfectly healthy girls, but MY BABY DIED! My first and only son, my husband's potential partner in crime and all she can do is complain that all he does is cry and she wants to go back to work! I've tried to remain calm (it's all I can do to smile and nod). But, how can my own sister complain to me about this precious life she is SO lucky to be a part of?


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaryMomma3* 
I can sort of understand how you are feeling. My son was born sleeping on 6/9/08 at 36 1/2 weeks. 2 months later, my sister gave birth to a baby boy and does nothing but complain about how she wants her old life back. Granted, I already have 2 perfectly healthy girls, but MY BABY DIED! My first and only son, my husband's potential partner in crime and all she can do is complain that all he does is cry and she wants to go back to work! I've tried to remain calm (it's all I can do to smile and nod). But, how can my own sister complain to me about this precious life she is SO lucky to be a part of?

how dare she. I am angry that anyone would come to you with these complaints. is she heartless!!! I am so sorry. I would take you for walks and bring you food and listen to YOU.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

MaryMomma3 - That is heartless of your sister! I wonder if she thinks these comments would make you feel 'better' in some jacked up way.. you know, like complaining instead of oohing and ahhing over her baby?? maybe she thinks that would make you feel worse? Still.. she shouldn't be complaingin about that baby at ALL to YOU! i'd probably knock her upside the head , like WTF? You do realize that YOU GET TO HAVE YOUR BABY in your arms!!?? PEOPLE! sheesh..


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
MaryMomma3 - I wonder if she thinks these comments would make you feel 'better' in some jacked up way.. you know, like complaining instead of oohing and ahhing over her baby?? maybe she thinks that would make you feel worse?


I think this is a good point. Not to make excuses for your sister, but people in general just don't know how to handle a mother who has lost her baby. The number one thing I wish that all people in the world could understand is that when a mother loses her baby (especially full term) she needs for people to acknowledge that her baby existed.

I'm sorry for your pain. You will have incredible support here.

SMR- I am so sorry you are hurting. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel how you feel. Give yourself permission.


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