# Age-appropriate expectations?



## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I'm looking for some sort of online resource that outlines (understandably, roughly) baby/toddler/child development and gives some sort of guide as to what sort of behavior expectations are reasonable for an age or developmental range.

I feel like a lot of getting through parenting a baby/toddler is understanding what the child can and cannot control/understand/manage. I approach my children from an attempt to understand their feelings, perceptions, and abilities. It's how I've approached people and situations my whole life, and I think one of the big reasons why I almost never get angry. Understanding the other person's perspective, motives and feelings usually puts me in a place where I'm not angry because I understand and empathize, even if I disagree.

With my kids (who are still really young), it helps me not get frustrated with them, and helps me listen better. I think I would be more successful, though, if I understood their development better. Sometimes I think it's funny I spent sooo much time researching pregnancy and birth and pretty much none researching parenting or child development. I don't regret not researching parenting much because I parent from instinct and I think that's a pretty good guide. But I also feel I would benefit from understanding child development better.

I also think it would help me reach out to other parents. I tend to be the random fact quoter in groups of people, so people are used to me saying things like "Actually, he does that because he's not capable of comprehending your point of view, and from his point of view, his actions are reasonable. The ability to put yourself in another's shoes doesn't usually happen until age X." That sort of thing. I'm sure I annoy people sometimes, but a lot of the time people are interested or grateful for the information.

Anyway, sorry, my posts are always too long. Anyone have a good online resource or two for that kind of info?


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

* That turned out to be such a horrible site once I'd had a closer look at it that I've removed it as I don't want to be associated with it in any way!









Also Piaget is good for childhood psychology and development.

I'll be interested to see what resources everyone else has. This is a big thing for me too - understanding what DD can and can't do, and trying to figure out why she acts the way she does helps me to stop getting so frustrated with her (at least some of the time!) and to be more understanding of her.


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## simplymother (Dec 18, 2008)

I'd be interested to see links people have. Here is one I found that gives very broad generalizations about each age:

http://www.naturalchild.com/research/ages_stages.html

And here's one that is just for fun, but may still offer some clues about what is typical of certain ages:

http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt..._disorder.html

But really, I think our best clue to what our children are capable of and what we should expect at them at certain ages is: our children!

I don't know how far I agree with this line of thought, but there is definitely something to the theory that children act the way they need to act. If we see them as "misbehaving" it probably has something to do with US (meaning either we're expecting too much OR that what they are doing is annoying us, and other people annoy us all the time, but when it's a child we get the privilege of labeling it "misbehavior"--and not just dealing with the fact of conflicting needs/desires, which we would have to do if it was, say, our spouse who was annoying us, kwim?)

What I mean by "they act the way they need to act" is not that, oh, a child "needs" to hit is brother or anything, but that he isn't hitting his brother because he's inherently mean or violent--he has legitimate reasons for doing it.

Even if we can't allow the behavior, it's probably a helpful perspective for us as parents to remember that, and (while/after stopping any behavior we can't tolerate), just try to understand WHY that behavior WAS "age-appropriate". Or perhaps "NameOfChild-at-this-moment-appropriate". Why is he "needing" to do that? Because then we're not just looking at "how can I make him stop" but "Why is he doing that and how can I help him not need to anymore?"

Of course, often the answer really is just going to be "because he's two and he's supposed to!" And you probably already get that and that's where a nice list would come in handy, and I can just shut up now, not actually having the answer you were looking for!









(Going back into hiding now . . .)


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

Thanks for the references!









I agree that the best source of this information is my child - the trouble being, however, that sometimes I can get inside her head and what she's doing is totally comprehensible to me, and other times it isn't.

One example was a friend and speech therapist who came over and was upset when dd, who was just over 2 yo, (1) did not express empathy towards fake crying by the friend; and (2) refused to clean up. The friend insisted she was old enough to clean up her own toys.

Ok, fine, maybe most kids that age are ready to clean up their toys, but dd wasn't. I could tell that she didn't "get" it. Now, about six months later, she's turning into an organizing child with almost an aversion for messes and such. She helps me clean up all the time. But six months ago, it was just not something that she understood at all, and I could see that. So I didn't push it.

Sometimes it isn't that clear, though - or I'd like some kind of guide to help me say, "Oh, aha, she seems to be about here on the chart/list. Now it makes more sense, and here's what's probably coming next." Mostly I just read her cues, but sometimes I feel like I need a little help interpreting where she's coming from!

Oh, I just thought of one of the things I DO NOT understand. Dd loves her little brother. I understand why she always takes his toy away







: - at least we've taught her to give him something else to play with if she wants to look at what he's holding. What I don't understand is why she hits him, just randomly, out of the blue. He doesn't hit her first or pull her hair or get in his way. It's almost like she's experimenting "Hmmm, what will happen if I kick my baby brother in the head?" "Oh, mama/daddy's mad again. Better go hide." Five minutes later: "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I slapped my baby brother's head?" I AM perplexed about that because we're gentle with her, she understands that hitting hurts people . . . when we become at all stern with her about hitting her brother or gently restrain her from hitting him, she responds with "No kick <dd's name>! You be nice <dd's name!" which of course is the sort of thing we say to her about not hitting her brother and being nice to him . . . so I guess the accusation is that we're not being nice to her by not allowing her to hit her brother . . . She knows he cries when she hits him. I just don't really understand why she still hits him on almost a daily basis. I know it's not malicious. What is going on in her head?


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