# Advice needed! Baby will not sleep unless I'm next to her...



## medmom7 (Nov 5, 2008)

I'm desperate for advice and am hoping some kind souls can help/share their experiences.

I have a delightful 6 month old daughter. We are cosleeping with her and I am breastfeeding her. She is very well adjusted and meeting all her developmental milestones beautifully. I have a very supportive husband and wonderful daycare with which we are very comfortable.
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The issue is that she will only sleep when I am next to her*. She breastfeeds very often during her first few hours of sleep then approximately 3 times throughout the night therafter. *This might not be an issue except that I am a medical student and I have to get some work done!* *She goes to bed at 6:30-7:30 and I usually have to lie down with her for her to sleep. Either I have to try to work laying down in dim light (difficult) or work in the middle of the night which leads to further sleep deprivation which makes me a worse mother.*

*Ideally she would be able to sleep on her own at least for a few hours until we are ready to go to bed so that we can get some necessary work done.* The other issue is that starting in February my schedule will require nights of being on call. And my intern year will start this summer, meaning even more frequent call nights. *This means my husband will be the sole person taking care of her on many nights so I'm wanting her to gain at least some self sufficiency with regard to sleeping so that this transition will be easier for her.* I have a loving bedtime routine involving a bath, massage, bedtime stories, & lullabies. We are absolutely opposed to letting her cry it out. I have the "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Pantley and tried it for a week but nothing worked. As soon as she is left alone, she wakes up! I'd welcome any advice anyone has!

I am desperate for some advice and feel fairly isolated. Of the working moms that I know, none cosleep or breastfeed exclusively. And most attachment parents I've met tend to be staying at home so I am feeling very alone. I want to be a compassionate mommy to my daughter, but I am not feeling so compassionate in the middle of the night when I am frustrated, worried about all the work piling up, and exhausted.

Thanks so much for any advice you have! Words of encouragement also very much appreciated!







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## Meems (Jan 8, 2007)

I think my DD began sleeping better on her own just after 6 months... until then, I would lie her down after nursing her to sleep and take about five minutes to sneak away from her. I think that babies have a 45 minute sleep cycle for a while longer, which means that your baby will probably continue to wake after that period of time no matter what you do. My DD outgrew it somewhere between 8-9 months...

I also read somewhere to use white noise and to pat for 5-7 minutes after they fall asleep before sneaking away. If DD was particularly restless, this is what I did.

Finally, when I was still working, I would have DD fall asleep in the Moby wrap and keep her there so I could work for 1-2 hrs at night.


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## *~Danielle~* (Mar 27, 2005)

Hugs. You are trying to do it all and that is hard.

Maybe you and your husband could sit down and talk about some of the goals that need to be acheived in the near future and for the long term. They may be super obvious but possibly getting them down on paper could help visualize some real ways to help your daughter as you transition into these goals and new roles.

One way that might help is by giving her, her own space near your bed or right up next to it if possible. A crib or side car a toddler bed sandwiched between the wall and your bed, so when she starts to roll, she won't go anywhere dangerous. This way, you can lay her down on "her" space and lay near her for the now. Then start setting some boundaries. When you feel comfortable moving on to this next step, start laying her down on "her" bed and then lay an arm's reach away. When she starts fussing or crying for you, just put your hand on her and hush to her. It will be very hard for you to not just craddle her, but honestly, it is kinder to give her your hand and reassurance through your near presence now...then to cold turkey work nights and she be without you in this transition.

We are talking transitions here. She will be a little sad things are changing, but they have to if you want to be a doctor. She will not be scarred by having you pat her and reassure her from a slight distance. Once she can tolerate this transition you go the next step of laying her down and walking away. If she is sad, you come back and pat her and hush her and then walk away again. It's just going to be work to adjust the way you two interact for the nighttime. It is okay, change is necessary and it you both will be fine. Hugs. This way, when it is time for you to be away at nights, your hubby can lay her down in her space and there is no trauma.

Also, the goal of having some study time in the light of a room can happen for you if she is content in "her" space alone.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

It was a long time (over a year) before DD would sleep soundly w/o me being next to her. It's expected of babies when their little bodies just aren't ready yet physically and mentally.







A poster from another thread summed it up well, something to the effect of "humans (babies) have always needed protection from predators, and evolved over millions of years so that without protection, they cannot rest soundly". You're baby is normal and will sleep when able.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Feb is a while off - you've got time to perhaps revisit the NCSS, or try other solutions... The only thing I've learnt about sleep so far is that it keeps changing.

Re: the earlier part of the evenings - it's not ideal I know, but could you just sling her asleep at the boob so that you can move around & work still?

I completely sympathise. I'm trying to study & my partner is a med student, so I can imagine the pressures you are under. Good luck!


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## zoeyzoo (Jul 6, 2007)

Have you tried to swaddle your LO? I didn't even start using one until 3 months. It seems to calm my dd enough to go to sleep and allow me to sneak away for awhile.


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

Sympathies to you! I work fulltime and have similar issues with sharing the bed, wanting time at night to live in Grownup Town for a few hours, and NOT wanting to go to bed at 7 p.m. to keep the LO company while he sleeps. Even now, I nurse him down, then get up, only to be recalled 20 min. or 2 hours later (sometimes both!) by a crying baby. It is draining and causes occasional resentment if I have something I really need to get done, but if it's any consolation, the waking has lessened as he's gotten older (though teething, illness, and needing to pee are still causes of mournful wailing from the bedroom), and when we are lucky, we can pee him and get him back to sleep in about 6 minutes without him every really opening his eyes.

I would recommend trying to transition your babe from nursing to sleep with you laying in the bed to nursing, then having papa put her to sleep. My son goes to sleep a lot faster if his dad puts him down for naps than if I nurse him down at night. Night has always been my gig because it's DH's time for dissertation writing. Also, try having some kind of music or white noise in the room. I think sometimes our son wakes because he hears me talking or a floorboard creak.

If DD will sleep on your back and let you sit and read at a table or something, the Ergo Baby or Beco or similar kind of back-pack carrier is good for long stints of baby-wearing, and you or DH could wear her for a few hours before going to bed. I know, not optimal, but sometimes if you have Barnacle Baby, it at least gives you free hands and keeps the babe content; our son has taken two-hour long naps on our backs while we have cooked or cleaned house on many occasions.

I am NOT capable of doing this, but you might have the fortitude to go to bed at 6:30 or 7 p.m. and get up VERY EARLY in the morning, when she is more deeply asleep, to do your school work. I tried this but don't have the self-discipline to get out of a warm bed at 4 a.m. This option kind of stinks though because you hardly see your husband at all (not that, as a med student, you probably see him much anyway).

When all else fails, I remind myself that the baby will only be little and snuggly for a short time, and if I HAVE to be STUCK in bed with the BABY, I should dope slap myself for getting resentful and watching the clock and try to stay soft, present, and grateful to have such a sweet little person in the bed wanting me to hang out. And if I am still feeling like I have been shackled by a midget jailer, I call for DH to come take over, get a little glass of wine, and go about my business for 45 minutes until I feel willing to go back into the bedroom.

Best of luck with getting baby to sleep soundly!


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## takasmom (Mar 16, 2007)

hugs mama. i am in a similar boat with my 7.5mo DS and a dissertation that is not seeing a lot of progress right now.







actually i am too exhausted to read all the responses you've gotten right now but just wanted to offer my support. and also sub this thread...


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## medmom7 (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks everyone for all the ideas and suggestions! We will definitely try them. It also really helps just knowing that others are going/have gone through the same thing.

One mom put it very well:
"When all else fails, I remind myself that the baby will only be little and snuggly for a short time, and if I HAVE to be STUCK in bed with the BABY, I should dope slap myself for getting resentful and watching the clock and try to stay soft, present, and grateful to have such a sweet little person in the bed wanting me to hang out. And if I am still feeling like I have been shackled by a midget jailer, I call for DH to come take over, get a little glass of wine, and go about my business for 45 minutes until I feel willing to go back into the bedroom." Right on!

Thanks again!


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## dollysods (Sep 16, 2007)

Very similar situation with my eight month old. I am in year 2 of residency with a cosleeping boob-loving daughter at home. I was on q4 call my first month back when she was just 8 weeks old. I was able to exclusively breastfeed till 6 months, now she has some homemade foods as well which makes the breastfeeding ever so slightly less demanding. I think that the cosleeping and frequent night nursing has helped me keep my supply up. That said, I am completely sleep-deprived.

My husband isn't able to sleep with my daughter because he is a deep thrashy sleeper, so the nights I am on call are pretty painful for him. My daughter is used to waking up ever couple hours (at least) to nurse and does not easily go back to sleep without nursing. We are still working on trying to find things that work to get her to sleep more easily without me.

I don't have any advice, but you definitely have my support. It is extremely countercultural and often lonely to be a cosleeping mama and work in medicine. If you complain or need support or ideas, people at work just suggest having the baby cry it out (or some have acted downright horrified that I would "take such a risk" and sleep with the babe). We are completely opposed to letting our baby cry it out. Maybe eventually we will get to that point, but for now we are just in survival mode and trying to enjoy the night cuddling the best we can.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

subbing to come back and read as I have a similiar problem here







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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

I just posted about a similar problem, and found the responses here helpful. particularly the ideas to gradually move away and intervene from a slight distance. It must be tough being a medical student in this situation...I'm grateful that most of my deadlines are self-imposed. And especially to 'buck the system' as i can imagine perhaps 'mainstream' people in medicine wouldn't be in favour the whole co-sleeping thing.

One of my main problems is I don't want to expose DS to the computer and that's what I work on - so having him in the sling while I'm working isn't an option for me. I read somewhere that it's not good for their young little electromagnetic fields... anyway he has also got to the age where any lights or action, and esp 'daddy' being around, will distract him from going back to sleep /staying asleep and then it's 'playtime'...


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