# This is why I don’t trust people!!



## spring978 (Aug 6, 2007)

Where or where do you guys find normal friends? Or is there such a thing?

A dear friend of mine of 10 years has told me to bite my 14 month old spank his *ss and yesterday when I told her we might not get a tree this year because of Doodle she said just swat his hands he will figure it out.

This women babysat my older kids and was always super professional I am totally shocked by these constant references to spanking and hitting my toddler.


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## Woodland (Mar 6, 2006)

ugh isnt that so annoying. my lo isnt big enough to need discipline but I have noticed people can be rather cold to babes. Ds is not quite 6mo and 2 different people have held for me for a minute while I run to bathroom etc and when I come back he is crying and they are just holding him sitting up on table, not huggin him or anything. I am like, hello!!!! crying baby, hug and cuddle! makes me not trust people sometimes.







:


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

That is HORRIBLE! I would get up & walk away from such a conversation immediatly. Uggh...


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## birdie22 (Apr 1, 2005)

I've only had 2 moms of my own generation tell me I should spank ds (or more specifically, smack his hands.) I get it more from older folks. Usually in the same breath where they tell me how lucky I am to have such a good little boy. I guess they figure I must be beating him to keep him in line.

The moms I'm close with all have a college education in either psychology or education. That just happens to be my group of friends. I've never discussed discipline philosophy with them, but none of them have ever used or advocated any physical violence in my presence.

In fact, I've never seen any of them give a timeout, though I have done timeout (taking a break) with my ds if he hits or hurts someone else.


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## violet (Nov 19, 2001)

_Where or where do you guys find normal friends? Or is there such a thing?_
I thought I was doing pretty well meeting moms at LLL meetings, parent participation, and through places like our local co-op, csa farm, etc. more of a slightly crunchy subset of the population. And now at DD's private homeschool organization. But last week a mom I totally respected told me she spanks. I was stunned. And she's been confiding in us about some of the parenting problems she's been having with the 5 yr old not sleeping through the night and having anxiety with separation on the at school days. And in my mind she was dealing with the same attachment/transition issues as mine, and now I see it in a different light- maybe her kid is reacting because of the spankings.
it stinks. we need to outlaw spanking like sweeden.


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

ya, there is some crazy ideas out there eh?

An older friend of mine who had 3 children was holding my dd(she was a young toddler at that time) while I tended to something in a barn, I walked up behind them because I had forgotten something.
I heard her whispering to dd in a mean voice that "dd was a bad little girl and bad little girls get pinched and she didnt want to be pinched did she?"
I was astounded! and furious! and flabergasted! WTH?! I just reached out, grabbed dd,then I said babies are never bad and pinching is abuse.
We are now the kind of friends that say hi if we see each other, but no more hanging out.


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## ruhbehka (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunnySlippers* 
I heard her whispering to dd in a mean voice that "dd was a bad little girl and bad little girls get pinched and she didnt want to be pinched did she?"


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## tofugirl27 (Dec 16, 2007)

And here I have been thinking that I was all alone in this matter. I have started asking off the bat about "parenting styles" because I don't want my child to be exposed to their ignorant parenting.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

This is why I'd like to move out of my neighborhood. The neighbors next door spank, hit and who knows what else. Their kids are loud obnoxious and whining all the time. BUt I know it's not their fault, especially when they come from the grocery store, and the little boy (maybe four?) is eating a 99cent bag of doritos. Artificial flavors, msg, uber amounts of salt, I'd be a hellion too!


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## Areannasmom (Aug 3, 2007)

I was SO mad at a friend of mine that stayed in the car with DD while I ran into a store for almost 10 minutes- I was furious when I got back and my DD is drenched in tears screaming in her car seat while friend was just sitting in the front seat looking at her







. I took her out of the car seat wiped the tears and snot and drool and said- "why the hell didn't you take her out of the seat? She was just freaked out cause she was stuck in the seat while you waited". Last time I ever leave DD with her! (And she has a son who is 10mths older)
i think that was probable 3x longer than she has ever cryed at one time & it was just a few months ago








How can someone be so un-compassionate?


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## princesspennie (Jul 26, 2005)

Quote:

I heard her whispering to dd in a mean voice that "dd was a bad little girl and bad little girls get pinched and she didnt want to be pinched did she?"

I was subjected to watching a mother at a park last year pinch her 3 year olds neck real hard for asking me to push her on the swings before she finished her "happy meal".








I wrote down her license plate number and called the police and CPS.
She pinched and also twisted the skin of her neck real hard.
I could not sleep for a week not mention I drove home in tears. What a sad ending to a McDonalds "happy meal"and trip to the park for that little girl.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

While that is indeed horrifying, I really don't think it's in the little girl's best interest to have cps pounce on her mother. If you're so concerned in helping the girl you could maybe talk to the mother at the park first.


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## mommy2AandZ (Feb 12, 2007)

I joined a local AP group so I knew all my friends would be on the same wave length when it came to raising kids. Maybe you can check out www.meetup.com and see if there is anything in your area.


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## Kealli (Dec 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Woodland* 
ugh isnt that so annoying. my lo isnt big enough to need discipline but I have noticed people can be rather cold to babes. Ds is not quite 6mo and 2 different people have held for me for a minute while I run to bathroom etc and when I come back he is crying and they are just holding him sitting up on table, not huggin him or anything. I am like, hello!!!! crying baby, hug and cuddle! makes me not trust people sometimes.







:

Just to play a bit of devil's advocate, are these people that you know well, or know to have any parenting or baby experience? I think a lot of people (myself included since I'm about to be a first time mom and haven't really had prior baby experience) are kind of afraid they might do something wrong or something you wouldn't approve of. I guess I'm just saying there is a flip side, people don't want to be accused of doing something inappropriate.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I think it's important to share GD with people in those conversations, like, oh no, I don't hit or spank, I feel it teaches that hitting is acceptable when it's not.
We redirect, and it's working so well for us.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunnySlippers* 
ya, there is some crazy ideas out there eh?

I heard her whispering to dd in a mean voice that "dd was a bad little girl and bad little girls get pinched and she didnt want to be pinched did she?"

I just reached out, grabbed dd,then I said babies are never bad and pinching is abuse.
We are now the kind of friends that say hi if we see each other, but no more hanging out.


That is so, so sad. I believe people know that this is an evil thing to do to a child, yet they do it anyway because it's what they know or what they were subjected to, or they are happy because now they are big they want the "power". I hate it.


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## gargirl (Dec 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
While that is indeed horrifying, I really don't think it's in the little girl's best interest to have cps pounce on her mother. If you're so concerned in helping the girl you could maybe talk to the mother at the park first.

I just want to throw two things out there; 1) The chances of CPS actually investigating the report of a random civilian stranger is fairly remote. Around here, DSS or DYS have to comb through hundreds of reports of abuse that come in weekly, and chose the 25 worst ones they have the resources to investigate. 2) It is difficult and sometimes dangerous to address someone else's parenting, especially if it is abusive. I would be very cautious about trying to broach the subject with a stranger or relative stranger and even with a friend I would tread carefully.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I've learned I'm so very far from the "norm" here .. and I don't have any friends that GD.

But I try to just teach by example. My son is growing into a sweet, wonderful and well-behaved child. Seeing that you don't have to use authoratative parenting to have a well behaved child is eye opening to many people we know. And many of these people were rolling their eyes at me/giving me awful suggestions years ago because he was a very spirited toddler.

I try to make it known when it comes up that we don't believe in spanking/hitting. I think it's important to put that out there when it's mentioned, otherwise people around here assume I agree with hitting children. And I think it's important to make that point that we do not feel it's ok. Ever.

I often find myself cringing when we are around friends with kids. But I try to remember that they probably cringe at half the things I do as well, and I try very hard not to judge. Just lead by example.


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## leafylady (Nov 19, 2001)

MistyMama, that's a great response in every way!


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

True, I don't talk to people about discipline, but there are conversations here all the time about how to kindly strike up a conversation in such a situation. I think it's also dangerous to call CPS on someone when the child probably doens't need to be removed. It's not like they haven't shown up at the door of non-pinching people's houses due to random civilian calls. From what I've read they vary greatly from city to city.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gargirl* 
I just want to throw two things out there; 1) The chances of CPS actually investigating the report of a random civilian stranger is fairly remote. Around here, DSS or DYS have to comb through hundreds of reports of abuse that come in weekly, and chose the 25 worst ones they have the resources to investigate. 2) It is difficult and sometimes dangerous to address someone else's parenting, especially if it is abusive. I would be very cautious about trying to broach the subject with a stranger or relative stranger and even with a friend I would tread carefully.


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## Stormy8 (Nov 4, 2007)

I think the trick is to weed people out before it happens. I am very lucky to be blessed with two friends that do not believe in spanking either. We are all on the same page and knew it when our kids were very little.

When I find out someone spanks we just don't hang around them period. Once I find out that people spank I just wean them out of our lives. No discussion needs to take place, most people that spank won't change their ways just because *I* say they shouldn't.

But maybe I shouldn't say that. Dh's parents advocated spanking if ds ran out in the street, etc. but now they see the way we are raising ds and my MIL told me recently we are doing a great job raising ds gently.


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