# Husband suddenly VERY against co-sleeping



## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

I am pregnant. This will be my husband's first natural child.

Ok, today we got into a rather large arguement about co-sleeping. My husband says to me out of the blue that he won't "allow" it because he thinks we will roll over and crush the baby and he starts telling me how tons of babies die everyyear this way. He must have read something that triggered his hot button. I told him look at Emma, I slept with her for years sicne the day she was born (I was a single mommy) - and she is fine... look at your sister, who still co-sleeps. I told him co-sleeping even prevents SIDS because it helps regulate breathing patterns.

Anybody have any links or medical research from an unbiased reptuable source supporting co-sleeping that I can share with him to ease his mind? Thanks in advance.

I will sleep with my baby if he likes it or not, even if I have to set up blankets on the damn floor. I know that sounds hateful for me to word it this way, but I know this is best for baby emotionally and it prevents SIDS. But I don't want to create an issue in our marriage over it either. Originally, he was fine with it, a little nervous but fine. He is a first time parent, and he is a major worry wart alately.

Please help!


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

Ask him what changed his mind and start from there.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I am assuming you have Dr. Sears information.

Another thing could you make a compromise like a side cart? When I divorced my first husband I was worried about this issue. When I got with my NOW husband he liked being in bed with my (now our) son because he felt it help make up for the time he missed. It was the only time my son would snuggle him and my dh wanted desperatly to be his father.

When I had my second child I mention his comfort level with a new born verses a 17monthish child. He looked at me like I was stupid, he could imagine the baby not being in bed. But I was willing to give a little (Figured after a while the baby would be in the middle anyhow).


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamao'two*
Ask him what changed his mind and start from there.


An article, I think the one siting over 500 deaths in the US from 1990-1997 due to bed-sharing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
I am assuming you have Dr. Sears information.

Another thing could you make a compromise like a side cart? When I divorced my first husband I was worried about this issue. When I got with my NOW husband he liked being in bed with my (now our) son because he felt it help make up for the time he missed. It was the only time my son would snuggle him and my dh wanted desperatly to be his father.

When I had my second child I mention his comfort level with a new born verses a 17monthish child. He looked at me like I was stupid, he could imagine the baby not being in bed. But I was willing to give a little (Figured after a while the baby would be in the middle anyhow).

Yes, I have told him Dr. Sears was an advocate. But it was the only source I could quote. I haven't gathered medical data yet or links. My husband is a logic facts man. When I make my case. I would like to approach him with medical research.

Sidecar eh? Possibly... it's a thought.


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

Ok, here is some data. I typed it all out and emailed it to him. If he reads it, it's more likely to sink in. *PLEASE ADD TO THIS!* I promise you, will will counter-argue (It's like we are politicians sometimes :LOL the way we go back and forth in our political debates)

Thanks in advance for ANY help, data, research, etc. This is very important to me.

My email
----
*Your Arguement*
It is estimated that between the year 1990-1997 500 infants died (7 year period) in the US due to co-sleeping.

The study did not state if those children that died in co-sleeping were sleeping with a drunk or intoxicated parent, where the co-sleeping took place (waterbed, couch etc) or if safety measures were taken

*The Defense*
*McKenna, (2000), Gordon (2000), Sears (2002), Fleiss (1999), Screiber (1999)*
There are 9000 crib-related accidents are reported in the US per year
Approx 50 crib-related accidents result in the death of an infant annually in the US, typically this is due to suffocation and or smothering.
70% of parents in the US co-sleep with their babies at various points in infancy.
2,700 babies die each year from SIDS;
90% of SIDS deaths are crib sleeping infants - only 10% of these cases are co-sleeping infants
(That is well over 2000 deaths per year related to sleeping in a crib)
Japan has the lowest rate of SIDS in the world. Japanese babies routinely share their parent's beds (McKenna 1998)

*The physiological effects of sleep-sharing and other medical benefits (sleep laboratories that are set up to mimic at home bed-sharing)*

*(Elias 1986, McKenna 1993, Fleming 1994; Mosko 1994)*
The studies found that the babies were prone to mimic thier mother's breathing patterns, were checked on often in the night and less likely to roll over onto thier tummies

*Results of the studies:*

1. Sleep-sharing pairs showed more synchronous arousals than when sleeping separately.
When one member of the pair stirred, coughed, or changed sleeping stages, the other member also changed, often without awakening.

2. Each member of the pair tended to often, but not always, be in the same stage of sleep for longer periods if they slept together.

3. Sleep-sharing babies spent less time in each cycle of deep sleep (level 3 sleep) Level 3 sleep is linked to SIDS (sleep apnea)

4. Sleep-sharing infants aroused more often and spent more time breastfeeding than solitary sleepers, yet the sleep-sharing mothers
did not report awakening more frequently.

5. Sleep-sharing infants tended to sleep more often on their backs or sides and less often on their tummies,
a factor that lowers the SIDS risk.

*James J. McKenna - professor of anthropology - Notre Dame University
Director of Notre Dame's Center for Behavioral Studies of Mother-Infant Sleep.*
Studies cover a period of approx 20 years
Co-sleeping is what evolution has built into our biology for infant safety.
Babies are born physiologically expecting maternal touch, smell, sounds, movements and warmth which can only be
received by close proximity to their mothers. Depriving a child of these sensations results in the infant survival response of
crying. Also, babies are born with just 25 % of adult brain volume making them the least neurologically mature primate species and
highly dependent on mother for survival

*Co-Sleeping Safely*

When using a standard, off-the-floor bed, be absolutely sure that your baby cannot roll or fall off the sides.

Young infants should sleep between their mother and the bed rail, not between both parents or beside an older sibling.

Make sure that your mattress or futon provides a firm sleeping surface. Never, ever allow an infant to sleep on a waterbed, featherbed, beanbag, other inappropriately soft surface.

Never sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of drugs, alcohol or prescription medication that makes you unusually groggy or sleepy.

Exceptionally obese parents should use a sidecar arrangement (crib attached to the side of the bed) rather than having a young infant in the bed with them.

Do not overload your bed with excessive pillows, blankets, or stuffed animals.

Never fall asleep on a couch, sofa, or overstuffed chair with your baby.

Do not stuff too many bodies into a bed with a small baby.

Make sure that your baby isn't overdressed. Remember, the body heat in a family bed makes most bedtime bundling unnecessary.

Dress your baby in safe sleepwear. Flame retardant with no strings or ties, just as you would if she were sleeping alone.


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## goosysmom (May 28, 2005)

Looks good....I wish you luck...What helped my on the fence DH was Gordon's book Nightime Parenting...now you just need to get him to read it.....I started in the hospital when she was hours old so he knew I was gonna do it regardless...Now at 15 months he's talking about sidecaring the crib that I wanted most in the world that's still in the box..I told him he would have to go out and get a mattress for it at around 115 bucks and he left it in the box....LOL Many a friend have sidecar'd their cribs and their DH felt better about it bc there was more space (even though the sweet babes slept next to mama...)......((HUGS))


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

The thing that worked for my husband was just wait and see... he was very worried. He is a big guy and was so intimidated by the idea of the tiny infant. Once he met Joey and held him and found him so real, it got so much easier. The fact that they let us co-sleep in the hospital even though I was still sedated from the c-sect helped him figure it must be ok. I think it is really hard, especially for men, to make some decisions about babies that are just ideas yet. Don't pick a power struggle today if you don't have to.


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## mommamin (May 19, 2005)

I just brought her into bed with me







DH would wake up and she was there. He was not the one waking every 1 or 2 hours to feed her so I sorry but I didn't get him much of a choice! He was pleasantly surprised, although still worried, but while she was still tiny and not rolling over I would switch sides to feed her throughout the night. We still co-sleep (DD is 15mos) and he loves having her in with bed with us!

I am sure he will come around (I hope!)


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## kodiesmama (Jul 5, 2005)

_my boyfriend was the same way your husband was at first mrsmoe until he actually got the chance to do it him self. If he'd wake up in the middle of the night and find me and our son asleep on the couch together he'd flip. I would lie on my back and nestle my son on my chest and natural 'pilliows' and we'd sleep. Well i made him try it one night with our son, and he loved it. It creates such a bond and you know he's there so you're not going to roll over on him. tell the hubby to try it before he makes up his mind.







_


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## erikanorth (Sep 27, 2002)

there is a great "mothering" issue all about co-sleeping. It was published last year, and I think they reprinted it. It was all 'scientific' articles and studies. It convinced my husband that we were doing the 'right thing.' You could probably order it.

Good Luck!

Erika

PS - wait until he sees the babe, falls in love, and never wants her out of his reach







I'm sure he'll come around. Sounds like someone was just scaring him!


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## JamieTheTiger (Jun 20, 2005)

Honestly, I say don't make up your mind on anything yet. Certainly do the research on everything so you can talk calmly to your husband about it. Discuss his fears, explain your feelings. Just realize that you may have a baby who doesn't want to co-sleep. Yes, that does happen. Some babies need their space. Once the baby is born, things will fall into place. I don't like to co-sleep, but my DD usually ends up in bed with us after her 4/5am wake up. I just get too tired and lay down with her. My DH is against co-sleeping, too, but even he loves waking up in the morning to her sweet little face.


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

Here is an excellent link
http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ep/kimmel.html

The research study numbers the above article is taken from
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articl...102980253/pg_2


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## tealee (Jun 1, 2005)

Hi there!
I'm a long time lurker finally getting involved here. I have co-slept with each of my three kids.
Are you by any chance in BC?
This week the BC coroners office released a report that co-sleeping is very dangerous. Why? They examined 47 infant sleep related deaths and found that 40 percent happened outside of a crib. Not specifically in a co-sleeping bed. So car seats, playpens, lake of fire or anywhere else the babe was put down, would have been lumped together. Issues regarding drug use apparently were not taken into account either.
It also made me freak out because that means 60 percent of the deaths happened in cribs but the problem is with the co-sleepers. We must not have a very bright coroner


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

I just want to agree with some of the pp... neither my husband nor I were really planning to cosleep-- mostly because I really felt it would be unsafe and that we would be likely to roll over on the baby, etc. But after ds was born, it just seemed so natural-- we never again really worried about that because the baby was our focus of attention constantly. I think you might find that your dh will be fine with cosleeping after the baby is actually there and is a reality. Good luck!


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## Bookworm (Oct 6, 2004)

Didn't I read somewhere that the U.S. has the highest SIDS rate in the world and the lowest co-sleeping rate in the world?


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

Look at this study, published in 1997 by the same author who just this week published another 'don't sleep with your baby' "study".

1/3 of the babies in the study were sleeping in an adult bed when they died, and 2/3 were in a crib. His conclusion? That co-sleeping is a risk factor. Say what? It seems to me that if 2/3 were in cribs, that makes crib-sleeping the risk factor.

http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/conte.../314/7093/1516

It all depends on how you word it, doesn't it?


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## sweetpea333 (Jul 2, 2005)

everybody sleeps differently and if he is anything like my hubby and rolls around alot, it can spell disaster, i wouldn't push the issue if he isn't comfortable because it may mean many nervous sleepless nites for him, but if it means alot to you maybe you could compromise and sleep alone with the babes. i know how i felt when my hubby would sleep in the bed with us and i was sooo scared, that he would roll over on her, i know if he did he wouldn't wake up because i have to practically punch him to get him awake, but i kicked him out of the bed months ago so i could sleep with my daughter, hopefully you guys could come to a good agreement that benifits all of you.


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