# I have to stop co-sleeping with my DS



## cadinsmommy (Jul 25, 2006)

It is my SO's birthday on Saturday and his mother bought "him" heated mattress cover for OUR bed!!!







: So I am reading the warnings on it and specifically says NO INFANTS!! You have to understand that we live with my SO's parents and they do not understand/agree with us co-sleeping. The biggest problem is that my SO isn't exactly thrilled about it either. I have given him all the information and benefits of co-sleeping, but he says that he loses sleep worrying about whether or not he is going to roll over the baby. I told him not to worry about it, I usually have an arm wrapped around him anyway. I am just SO SAD about this stupid f*&%^ing heated mattress pad, part of me thinks that MIL gave him this on purpose so that we HAD to stop co-sleeping. Oh and SO is always complaining how cold he is at night - due to his parent's keep the thermostat so low. They thought that this would be the perfect gift. I am so sad ....


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I'm afraid I don't follow...
You must stop cosleeping as your SO's mom bought a heated mattress thing. Correct? And WHY can't you just not use it? Is it due to upsetting her? I'd rather upset her than my DS!







I understand this can be touchy but really...no way I'd stop cosleeping over it. And if SO doesn't want to cosleep I'd STILL sleep with my DS, sans him. Good luck!


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

If your SO insists on using the mattress pad, then I would find another place to sleep with my baby.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I don't think those things are safe for ANYONE. I just wouldn't use it and keep co-sleeping.


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## mamadeb (Sep 22, 2006)

Seems to me that the co-sleeping issues between you and DH need to get resolved before even talking about the mattress cover. I do think there is a balance that has to be found so that the whole family is getting some sleep. I know I'm a bear without sleep - which for me means I better off co-sleeping because I know my girl is just fine. For my DH, he needs just a few hours of being able to spread out (he also feels he may roll over). So DD and I head to bed a little after dad.

As for being cold at night - can't say I would go for a heated mattress pad, seems a bit dangerous to me. If he's cold he could try another blanket - even roll up the remainder next to him as a barrier to prevent the roll he thinks he'll do.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_b* 
If your SO insists on using the mattress pad, then I would find another place to sleep with my baby.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I don't think those things are safe for ANYONE. I just wouldn't use it and keep co-sleeping.









:


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

If SO insists on using it, fold it in half and use it only on his side of the bed. Did you mention that this wouldn't be safe for the baby? Hopefully someone can give you some links as to the dangers of the EMFs from mattress pads, and reasons why they (and electric blanekts) are not safe, then perhaps you can return the darn thing. Good luck!


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

to address his fear of rolling over on the baby, can you sleep between him and the baby, with DS's side of the bed up against a wall, so he can't fall off? I used a bedrail at times, too, when DD's side could not be against a wall.

i agree with the PP who said it sounds like the whole cosleeping thing needs to be worked out, not just the heater thing.

wishing you luck and peace, mama!


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## cadinsmommy (Jul 25, 2006)

Thanks for the advice. MIL is going to pitch a fit if I tell them we can't use it because I want to co-sleep. Basically she will use that as one more excuse for having him "sleep in his own room." She thinks I am an idiot for wanting to do this and is constatly telling me that we need to start saving for a crib so that he can sleep in his own room. And I keep telling her that co-sleeping is a good idea that I intend to keep doing it. She will be doubley irritated that he present isn't going to work.
I agree I don't think they are safe either but I really don't think I am going to win this one.
As far as sleeping somewhere else, there is no where else. The couch is not condusive to co-sleeping, the only other option would be the recliner in the family room. Both of these options will again cause conflict in the family.


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## doula mary (Aug 28, 2002)

At this point....rolling over on a baby should not even be a issue....

I would rather deal with a mad MIL, than let my nursing infant sleep alone.

mary


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## bendmom (Sep 4, 2003)

My mother was the same way. I realized that this was MY family and I decided what is best for MY family. I put my foot down and didn't take crap about our parenting choices. In my experience, people feel they can make comments and tell me what is best because I am not sticking up for myself and my family. When I get bitchy and tell them this is the way it is and if they don't like it they can stop discussing it, they either stop or become curious about what I am willing to be so stubborn over. I wouldn't ever feel like because I am living under someone else's roof, or I seem to young to be educated in parenting that I have to do what they want me to do when it comes to parenting. Seriously, put your foot down and sit have a conversation with her. Tell her this is the way it is and you feel very offended and sad that she cannot respect you and her son's parenting decisions, and that you value your relationship with her. Also I would tell your husband that if he uses it he should use it on the couch, if at all. THose things are death traps. I wouldn't use something that comes with death warnings to sleep on, even as an adult. Good luck


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cadinsmommy* 
Thanks for the advice. MIL is going to pitch a fit if I tell them we can't use it because I want to co-sleep. Basically she will use that as one more excuse for having him "sleep in his own room." She thinks I am an idiot for wanting to do this and is constatly telling me that we need to start saving for a crib so that he can sleep in his own room. And I keep telling her that co-sleeping is a good idea that I intend to keep doing it. She will be doubley irritated that he present isn't going to work.
I agree I don't think they are safe either but I really don't think I am going to win this one.
As far as sleeping somewhere else, there is no where else. The couch is not condusive to co-sleeping, the only other option would be the recliner in the family room. Both of these options will again cause conflict in the family.










Sounds like it's time to move.


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## mamabain (Sep 19, 2002)

wow, what a tough spot. i would say that there is definitely more going on here. maybe the OP doesn't want to keep co-sleeping either? this makes a nice excuse to stop.

i'd say if you as the mama want to co-sleep, you can make it happen. if you don't, then don't, but don't blame it on a heating pad.


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## bendmom (Sep 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamabain* 
wow, what a tough spot. i would say that there is definitely more going on here. maybe the OP doesn't want to keep co-sleeping either? this makes a nice excuse to stop.

i'd say if you as the mama want to co-sleep, you can make it happen. if you don't, then don't, but don't blame it on a heating pad.


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## cadinsmommy (Jul 25, 2006)

I absolutely want to continue co-sleeping but as I said before I dont think that my SO wants to. I don't know why I have such a hard time sticking up for myself. I really wish I could be more assertive.

And yes I would love to move but due to exterme financial issues, we have no other choice than to stay here.


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## rebelbets (Jun 6, 2005)

My first thought was - if y'all are so cold in your bed that you need a heated mattress pad, don't you think your baby is going to be pretty cold in his crib? Sounds like everyone should just invest in warmer PJs and keep the situation the way it was before.

If you give up cosleeping because you want to, that's one thing. But if you give it up because you're worried about irritating your MIL - well, that seems kind of lame. It's your baby and your bed, and neither of those things have anything to do with her.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cadinsmommy* 
I absolutely want to continue co-sleeping but as I said before I dont think that my SO wants to. I don't know why I have such a hard time sticking up for myself. I really wish I could be more assertive.

Then it has nothing to do with the mattress pad so leave that out of it.

I actually do not think that people should cosleep unless they are both on board.. but you are complicating this unnecessarily IMO.

Find a solution that works for YOU, YOUR DH AND YOUR BABY. Not your MIL. Maybe you can sidecar... put the baby on your side of the bed (you should do that anyway) etc. etc.

Don't 'wish' to be more assertive. BE more assertive. This is your baby. Your all he has.


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## Meredith&Alexander (May 23, 2005)

I had one of those in college (cheap drafty apartment) but I only used it to warm the bed up before I got in, and did not sleep with it on. It was lovely to slip into a warm bed, and really unescessary after that.


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## cdahlgrd (Sep 4, 2002)

Being assertive takes practice. Start small. And don't argue. Give your answer and NO MORE.

When you start to justify yourself, give reasons, let them draw you into an arguement; you are telling them that it is up for discussion and if they try hard enough, you will cave.

"Boundaries" by Townsend is a good book. It is from a Christian perspective, but isn't preachy and is a quick easy read.


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## Brilliantmama (Sep 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meredith&Alexander* 
I had one of those in college (cheap drafty apartment) but I only used it to warm the bed up before I got in, and did not sleep with it on. It was lovely to slip into a warm bed, and really unescessary after that.









:

I had one and if I left it on I woke up roasting and sweating!

I would say let SO put it on his side (folded I guess) and keep baby off of it. I would bet that he will cook too and not keep it very high or even off. And the wires are pokey!

I have my own complicated family issues, so I won't flame you for dealing with your family in the way you are. good luck.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm sorry, but you need to grow up and tell your inlaws to butt out of your bedroom.

Return the mattress cover.

-Angela


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## summerleaf (Sep 17, 2006)

Since you are expected to be "saving for a crib" and your child will probably outgrow that within a year anyway, why not "save for a twin mattress" instead...then you can put the twin mattress either on the floor of your room or the floor of the room which will become your baby's (I assume your inlaws have a room for him, since they so want him to sleep separate from you?). Then you sleep on the twin mattress with the baby! That way you can still cosleep, while under the guise of "transitioning him to his own bed."

Just two days ago we starting having our 18 month old sleep on a twin mattress in her own room. I still nurse her to sleep (on her mattress) and sleep there most of the night with her. So I personally think bed sharing on a twin with a little one is doable.

Just a suggestion! Best of luck with this tough situation.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

"MY baby, butt out." Repeat as needed. Really, don't think of it as defending yourself so much as defending your baby! You would allow fear and intimidation to allow you to compromise his care? I'd want AWAY from ALL these people, including your SO if he cannot stand up for you.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I understand how family dynamics can be, I'd hate to be in the same position







Have you thought about the fact that this may be a good opportunity for you to learn how to stand up for something you know is the best thing for your baby. Let it be an inspiration to becoming a more strong individual and mother.

I think you and your DH really need to have a good conversation about cosleeping so you will have him by your side as you confront (directly or indirectly) your MIL. If *he's* unsure, then she could easily get to him and then you'd feel all alone as an advocate for your baby. It's sad that we sometimes have to be advocates for our own babies to another family member who really means well, but that is just the way it is.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

Both of these options will again cause conflict in the family.
IME, it was a difficult transition from being the daughter to _the mother_. I was no longer simply someone's daughter or daughter-in-law---I was THE MOMMY. I was responsible for the safety and well-being of a precious baby.

Many times, change IS difficult and there IS conflict because people's customs are different and everyone has their own set of needs. MIL might have a need for control. SO might have a need for warmth. You have a need to protect and do what's best for your baby! There are many options you can consider in an attempt for you and your SO to work things out and come to an understanding of what is important to you. It's all in communication. You have every, every right to your feelings. Don't get wrapped up in what MIL might or might not be manipulating. It doesn't matter. You do what YOU need to do.

IMO, no one else who is not sleeping in your bed *gets* to call the shots in your bed. If your SO wants the mattress pad, with full realization that mattress pad means no you and baby *package deal* that you are---well, then how can you arrange it so you and baby can sleep comfortably at night? What are you willing to do--what is he willing to do? IMO, it has nothing to do with MIL or anything she says or does. You are not responsible for her. She's a big girl


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
I'm sorry, but you need to grow up and tell your inlaws to butt out of your bedroom.

Return the mattress cover.

-Angela

"Grow up" ???
I think there is a _much_ nicer way to say that. "Stand up for yourself" would be a much kinder comment, although it still might not be practical advice.

Have you ever lived with your inlaws?

I have, for one year before marriage, and for one year after. It was not easy. She is the one who has to live with them.

To the OP, I think the sidecarring someone else suggested is a good idea- you can push a crib up to your side of the bed and your SO won't have to worry about space and rolling on the baby. We cosleep and also sidecarred when ds was younger. It makes the bed a lot roomier!

And I second folding over the heated mattress onto SO's side. I'd be hesitant to sleep on one myself- I am not sure how healthy they are.

Whatever you decide, good luck


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## RockStarMom (Sep 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
IMO, no one else who is not sleeping in your bed *gets* to call the shots in your bed. If your SO wants the mattress pad, with full realization that mattress pad means no you and baby *package deal* that you are---well, then how can you arrange it so you and baby can sleep comfortably at night? What are you willing to do--what is he willing to do? IMO, it has nothing to do with MIL or anything she says or does. You are not responsible for her.

ITA. It seems like the best solution would be to get another mattress.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

True, I did not word that as gently as possible. I think that as parents we have to sometimes force ourselves to step up to the plate and put the welfare of our children above our own comfort. That is what I meant, and I stand by it.

-Angela


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

It's possible to use a mattress pad without actually laying on it while it's on. The danger to infants is that the pad can get very warm and an infant can't get away - not really as much of a concern with a parent right there. In a similar vein, diabetics aren't supposed to use them because they might have nerve damage in their feet and not feel that it's too hot and get burned.
However, you can turn the pad on, warm the bed up, nice and toasty, and turn it OFF before climbing in. It's a nice way to cut the electricity.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Wow, this is tough. Why not put it on the bed and just not turn it on? They aren't going to come check on you, are they? Actually, they sound so intrusive that they just might do that, but this is none of their business.

I would be so eager to move out if I had to live with my inlaws.


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

Couldn't you just say thank you very much and put it under the bed and never tell the MIL you're not using it?


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
True, I did not word that as gently as possible. I think that as parents we have to sometimes force ourselves to step up to the plate and put the welfare of our children above our own comfort. That is what I meant, and I stand by it.

-Angela

Angela is right about this. This is so hard for some of us, depending on the circumstances. I was shocked at how I was forced to become an advocate for my daughters at such an early age.

In this case, I would do what I would do with any undesirable gift. Thank the giver and never use it.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

And I second folding over the heated mattress onto SO's side
I wouldn't recommend doing anything with an electrical device that it's not designed to do, ESPECIALLY with a baby involved.

I would also suggest that it is in these times of conflict and confusion that we can really learn a lot _if_ we filter out all the *stuff* and listen to our instincts. The important stuff shines through. If you preface things as how you are feeling, there is NO argument. Feelings are just that. They're undeniable. I'm not saying to not take other POVs into account, but to simply realize that You, as a person, mother and a SO, deserve to have your needs met, just like everyone else in the family.

And I think it's important to remember that we each have opinions that we're sharing on a discussion board. Take what works for you, what resonates and leave the rest







...we might be able to see things more clearly and without a lot of the emotion...in the end, it's your decision to make. You don't *have* to stop co-sleeping. You always have choices.


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Is this the first time your SO's parents questioned your parenting choices? I bet it's not going to be the last if they are so against co-sleeping. The longer you back down to them the harder it's going to be to be confident in yourself as a mother. I assume you chose to co-sleep because you realized its benefits and wanted that for your baby. Why should you NOT do the best for your baby because of someone else's ignorance or misconceptions?

If I were you, I would take his mother aside and, sweet as pie, thank her profusely for thinking of you and giving you the blanket, but explain that it says on the package it is not safe for babies. Let her know that co-sleeping is very important to you and why. I would even photocopy some pages from an AP book on co-sleeping's benefits. And if DP is afraid of harming the baby then sleep with the baby between you and a rail/co-sleeper/sidecar.

If you really want to co-sleep, then stand up for what you believe in. You'll be setting a great example for your child and starting a habit of not compromising when it comes to raising your children the way you believe is best.


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## raeanneb (Sep 24, 2006)

I don't know what kind of mattress pad this is, but I know my parents have one and it has the option of being turned on only on one side of the bed. If you don't have this kind, maybe you could convince your SO to upgrade.
I second the sidecar idea, or just finding somewhere else to sleep w/ your LO.
I totally understand living w/ parents b/c of lack of money, that's what I'm doing right now, too (living w/ my parents b/c of being a poor single mommy!). And I can also relate to having someone telling you that baby should be in his own bed, or in his own room.
I have to say though that I only occasionally cosleep now, mainly b/c DS sleeps much better without me; he's actually started sleeping through the night other than a 5 min. nursing session about halfway through, since I've started sleeping on the couch instead of in my bed. He started moving around way too much for me to put him on my bed alone, so I started putting him to bed in his crib in the beginning of the night, and then bringing him to bed w/ me after he woke up... and he just stopped waking up, so he sleeps most nights in his crib now. I miss the cosleeping, but I know it's best for him, b/c he's sleeping so much better.


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## dani76 (Mar 24, 2004)

I don't think is so much about the pad or MIL even. It's about the conflict between the OP and her SO. I've lived with my IL's. I got constant crap about cloth diapers. But it was important to me AND DH so we kept doing it. I think you and your SO need to find some sort of compromise. You have been given many suggestions. Is co-sleeping important to you? I think everyone has things that they will not bend on. Is this one of those things? Then you don't bend.

Plug in the mattress cover, because your SO is going to be awfully cold on the floor. You are the mother in this family, she is the grandmother. Big difference.


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## AlbertaJes (May 11, 2006)

Quote:

However, you can turn the pad on, warm the bed up, nice and toasty, and turn it OFF before climbing in. It's a nice way to cut the electricity.
This is what we do with ours. I get too hot within about 5 minutes on the lowest setting, so we turn it on about 15 minutes before bed, and then turn it off when we go to bed.


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## joy2bmom (Aug 3, 2006)

I've had some experience with living with inlaws and i think you should start with DH, sit down and talk about co sleeping. Compare your views then come to some kind of a conclusion.
Then go to inlaws and have a discusion about who the parents and grandparents are (nicely of course) and what each of your role is compared to theirs concerning DC.
JMO, Good Luck, I know grandparents can be hard to deal with sometimes but everyone hasta know their boundaries.


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## mamamilkers (Nov 11, 2005)

Oooo, great discussion! OP, babe is still very tiny, if you are heading down the AP path in your parenting it is likely that you will meet some resistance along the way from people like your MIL who have much more mainstream ideas on how things should work. If this is the first parenting decision you've had to take a stand on, it might be a pretty important one otherwise you risk sending the message to MIL (and others) that your parenting style is up for debate when it most certainly is not.

Get your DH on board so that you don't feel like you have to face this alone. YOU are the advocate for what's best for your baby, this sounds like a great opportunity to draw the line with MIL! Good luck, mama. I hope you post an update!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cadinsmommy* 
Thanks for the advice. MIL is going to pitch a fit if I tell them we can't use it because I want to co-sleep. Basically she will use that as one more excuse for having him "sleep in his own room." She thinks I am an idiot for wanting to do this and is constatly telling me that we need to start saving for a crib so that he can sleep in his own room. And I keep telling her that co-sleeping is a good idea that I intend to keep doing it. She will be doubley irritated that he present isn't going to work.
I agree I don't think they are safe either but I really don't think I am going to win this one.
As far as sleeping somewhere else, there is no where else. The couch is not condusive to co-sleeping, the only other option would be the recliner in the family room. Both of these options will again cause conflict in the family.










Wait a sec here... sleep in his own room??? What own room? Is there a room in the house that she has designated as his own room? If so, thats good news! You and the baby could sleep in there! If not, then what the heck is she talking about??

I think buying a crib will turn out to be a silly purchase. Babies grow up too quickly. A twin mattress for the floor makes more sense.


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## jennybean0722 (Jun 19, 2006)

Could you put the mattress cover on and just not turn it on????? Or just turn it on for a few minutes to warm the mattress and then turn off when you get into bed.

Baby would be cold in a crib by self


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cadinsmommy* 
And yes I would love to move but due to exterme financial issues, we have no other choice than to stay here.

I would rather live in government subsidized housing than live like a prisoner in someone else's house and get treated like a child and have to live by "their rules". I'd get over to your local department of job and family services and see if you qualify. Your marriage and your dignity will both be ruined if you continue living there. Sorry.


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## TexasSuz (Mar 4, 2002)

Is there another room where your MIL wants the baby to sleep alone? If so then I would move in to that room with my baby and co-sleep there.


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## mamamilkers (Nov 11, 2005)

darn computer! double post.


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## papa de angel (Sep 23, 2006)

You don't have to be assertive if it's not in your nature, but if I were in your situation, I'd just put my blinkers on and think "it's me and my baby and anything else comes after that". Nothing wrong with listening to what others have to say, but then you quietly do your own thing for your baby's sake, and for your future peace of mind.
Just my 2 cents.


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