# Cosleeper spending the night at grandparents - What to do?



## JillChristina (May 24, 2004)

My dd has coslept w/us since she was 8 months old. She's only spent one night away from us her entire life, almost a year ago. That night my parents made a nest for her in their room but she ended up in their bed around 2ish. Neither of my parents slept well once she was in their bed. I can totally understand why, as it took a while for me to get used to having dd in bed with me. My dilema is: from this point on, if she wants to spend the night or we'd like to have her spend the night with the grandparents, where should she sleep?

My parents have set up a bed for her in my old room. But I've told them that I don't want her to wake up in the night and be alone in a relatively strange house. I don't think that's unreasonable of me to ask. I know Kylie and I know if she woke at night alone, she would be upset and cry. And what if my parents didn't hear her? (Ok, at this point am I just being overprotective?) I just know I won't sleep well where ever I am if I think my dd is going to sleep alone and possibly be scared. I also don't know if it's fair of me to expect/want my parents to either have her in their bed or figure out some arrangement where she's not alone. I know that it's not safe to have others, who aren't used to cosleeping, sleep with a child. But she's not a baby and I don't really think she'd get smushed. I feel bad for my parents too as I know they probably wouldn't sleep well with a squirmy 2.5 year old in their bed.

Am I just worrying too much about something that really isn't going to happen that often? My dad (whom Kylie loves) has talked to her about spending the night and I think she *thinks* she would like to do it. I think my parents expect her to be like me and just quietly go to sleep in her own bed alone. NOT going to happen!

How do you other cosleepers handle situations like this?

Thanks,
Jill


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

When our ds sleeps at grandma's, grandma sleeps with him on the "couch that turns into a bed". If she happens to visit the bathroom and automatically go to her room, he tends to be okay in the bed by himself.


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## laurenalanna (Feb 14, 2005)

I think this is the trickiest thing about AP. When you make a committment to be there for your child so intimately it's hard to know what to do or how to make an easy transition for your child when you can't be there.

I want to study to be a midwife, but that will mean that sometimes I would have to be away in the middle of the night or for days at a time. How can I ask my ds to deal with that? I'm going to wait until he is a little older, maybe 2yrs or so. Then see if I think it is feasible, but who knows.

As for your problem, what if you put a little futton mattress in her grandparents room for her to sleep on. That way they'd be close but not too close.


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## mraven721 (Mar 10, 2004)

Would they be objected to putting the bed or a sleeping bag on the floor in their room? Then if she wakes, she can be put back down in the bed or sleeping bag. Maybe they are set up a tent and make it sort of silly?


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## AmandaBL (Aug 3, 2004)

My kids sleep in the bed with the grandparents. Sometimes the grandma will sleep in the guest bed with them too if they're having trouble sleeping. (The grandpa still works & is the lighter sleeper)


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## duckat (Jan 10, 2005)

My ds has never spent the night away because he still nurses quite a bit overnight. My inlaws want him to stay over, but have no clue about AP or cosleeping, so I've avoided the subject. My mom has said that she'd love to have him over once he weans, and I know that she would cosleep with him, so I'm more inclined to have her be his first sleepaway.
When he does finally sleep over at the inlaws, I think I'll encourage my FIL to have a "camp-out" in the living room. That way ds can sleep near someone and it will be more fun for him.


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## BetsyPage (Mar 5, 2004)

I think the camp-out idea is a great one... I've also been thinking ahead to this issue... when my nieces (who are older) sleep over at my in-laws, my FIL usually ended up sleeping with the littlest one in the guest bedroom... I'm guessing someone would be willing to sleep with my dd there, though I think I'd prefer one of her cousins to sleep with her rather than my FIL (no worries about molestation issues, more a sleep apnea/snoring concern!)


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## mama2zoe (Dec 2, 2004)

That is tricky, isn't it? I know this is going to come up for us too and I don't know how we're going to handle it. Someone else suggested a futon on the floor in their room... If grandma or grandpa are easy-going about this what about having one of them lay with her until she's asleep. They could move to their own bed and join her again if she wakes up in the night (then sneak off again if she's restless/squirming) I don't think my folks would go for it - but it's worth a try!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

nak....Why not just wait until she is used to sleeping alone? it will happen...why the rush?


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

Just an alternative thought...
About 3 years ago for our anniversary my dh made reservations at a local hotel (jacuzzi room suite). My MIL had our two boys for the early evening in which we ate at a local restaurant and had some fun in the jacuzzi. Then she brought our youngest to us for the night so he could nurse and sleep with us, he was 5 mo old or so.
It was nice to have quiet time alone and it was great to have MIL be able to bring him to us when it was bed time.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

My son (19 months) still nurses at night so I would not leave him overnight (and we live with my in-laws!). Whenever he is night-weaned, if he still sleeps with us I could see asking MIL to sleep with him. I expect it to be a while before that happens, honestly. So I don't really have any advice, just posting to say I sympathize with you.


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## Alison (Feb 11, 2004)

My DS has now spent a few nights with my parents. When he does, my mum cosleeps with him in the guest bed. She's used to getting up at night to deal with the dogs, so it seemed logical for her to be the one to cosleep with him. I think my dad would probably be fine too, but the guest room had become "his" room from the times that we had both slept over there, before he slept over by himself. If they weren't willing to cosleep with him, I think probably he wouldn't have slept over yet. Maybe you could do what a pp suggested, and have them set up a bed/matress or something on the floor in their room, so they could always put her back down there? The campout sounds like fun too! I would say you could always put it off, but you said that your DD seems to want to go for the sleepover, so maybe she's ready to try it. Tough call, I don't know what I'd do if it was my in-laws who wanted DS to sleep over--they still think I should be able to put him down awake in a dark room and have him go to sleep all by himself. Heck, I have trouble going to sleep by myself in a dark room, why do they think he'd be able to do it?

Alison


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## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

My son spent one night away from us when he was about 2.5 at the grandparents, and my DH's mom slept with him in the guestroom. I wouldn't have minded if she'd left him alone at some point if she was having trouble sleeping, because (1) there was a nightlight in the hall, which gave off enough light for him to go to them if he needed to; (2) he could get off the bed safely; and (3) he's a child who doesn't have any trouble making his needs known









At 2 1/2, I felt that he was old enough not to freak out IF he woke up in their house alone, which is largely unfamiliar to him. So I would be fine if they wanted to try having him sleep alone, and adjust in the night if need be. I guess this would require a bed big enough for another adult to sleep in, if sleeping in their bed isn't an option. He's going to spend close to a week there in the fall (he'll be over 4 then), and I feel comfortable leaving the sleeping arrangements up to them. They are attentive and loving to him, and it's in their best interest for him to sleep well.

My policy is pretty hands-off with the grandparents, as they are trustworthy people. I also believe that my son will have a better relationship with them if I don't try to micromanage his visits with them. So in your situation, I wouldn't be concerned about the sleeping arrangements they're setting up as long as they understand that while she may sleep all night in the unfamiliar bed, she may also wake up and need someone to be with her. So the bed needs to be safe for her to get down from (I kind of doubt that she'd just lay there and cry, and/or they wouldn't hear her). But you know her best. As long as you're comfortable with allowing them to try the other room sleeping strategy, I wouldn't hesitate to have her spend the night there.

Among my best childhood memories are sleeping over at my grandmothers', which I loved from the time I was quite young. Both my grandmothers were very loving people who made me feel comfortable and safe and special in their homes. I hope very much that my son has that experience, too.

Karla


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