# "You better do x or Santa won't come"



## mysweetw&e (Feb 15, 2006)

Sorry, this is venty, people have been irritating me with this lately- to my own kids!

We don't "do" Santa. To me, the point of Christmas is that everyone deserves love and "gifts" not just those who are "good" (my interpretation, don't mean to offend if others don't think the same way). So when people ask my kids if they're ready for Santa they look at me all quizzically and I tell them the person is just asking if they're ready for Christmas. And then they respond.

The tip of the iceberg was last night when we were at the hospital getting dh ready to come home after knee surgery. The surgery was supposed to be at 5:15, but they were running behind and didn't take him back until 7:45! Normal bedtime for us is 7, but they did awesome. They played with the toys we brought, watches movies on the PSP, etc. People kept acting shocked that they weren't climbing the walls and screaming or something. But they were exhausted.

So we are putting on our coats to leave. I asked ds to come over so I could put on his coat and he said no he didn't want to. I was just going to drop it for the moment because it was 10 pm, he was exhausted, and I was pulling the truck up to the building anyway so it's not like we were walking that far. Plus, if he refuses to wear a coat then he'll get cold and probably want to put it on himself, no biggie. So the nurse starts "Oh you better put your coat on, you want Santa to come don't you? You have to put your coat on or you won't get any presents!" At which point I explained that we don't do Santa, my reasoning from above, and said that it really irritates me that adults try to manipulate kids with it. (At least I think I said the last part, I was exhausted too!) But Ugh! Why do people have to use Santa like that- as a way to elicit "good" behavior under threat! Gives Christmas a bitter taste sometimes.







:

Thanks for letting me get that out.


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## MamaB2C (Nov 20, 2007)

I hear ya loud and clear Mama. Someone said it to my son, and he isn't even 2 yet. He doesn't know Santa from a swimming pool.


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## robynlyn80 (Jun 18, 2006)

this is a major irriation with me too...my in-laws use it on their kids- and my DH's aunt (who has a lot of problems) actually forgot where she hid the kids presents so there was no 'santa' that night. she told the kids it was because they didn't clean up their toys!!!!

santa came later that day when she finally remembered where she hid the dang presents and the kids were 'behaving' again.

no kidding.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

We do santa but we skip the "if you are good" part.

So I am at my friend's baby shower and getting ready to leave with two tired kids. My 4 year old takes off her coat while I am dressing her little sister.

Immediately my friend's SIL speaks up "put your coat on right away, your mother just put that on you, if you don't put it on I am calling Santa"

and I turn around, realise what happened (Sophia is looking a bit confused like why is this stranger yelling at me and does she really have Santa's number"

so I say "When you are ready I will help you put on your coat" and then to the lady "Santa comes to our house no matter what" with a big smile.

I think she was totally baffled.

I mentioned it to my friend after and she said "omg it drives me nuts, she says it all the time to my son too but at least he know her!"

Anyway..it was interesting.

I do get the "have you been good?" question a lot lately so I told the kids if someone asks them that to reply "I've been great!"


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

We had the EXACT same coat scenario happen last year. I offered a coat to DS1, he didn't want it, I don't force the coat issue. A lady nearby told him to help mama out and put his coat on or Santa wouldn't give him any presents. We don't "do" Santa but even if we did, this is a completely inappropriate thing to say to a child, especially a child who is not your own.







:

Sorry you had to deal with that! It annoys me to have to deal with it at this time of year. Yesterday a nurse at the ped's office asked the boys if they had been good and if Santa were coming to their house. Ugh. Please don't assume that all families celebrate the same holidays you celebrate, in the same way you celebrate, or use those traditions to manipulate their children!!!

I'm torn on how to handle it. Usually we just let it slide and if the kids comment to us later, we discuss it truthfully with them.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

I am with you one hundred percent. Have you see http://www.elfontheshelf.com?

But we do SC here, but I am reconsidering since we moved to a community where adults routinely threaten with SC.

The worst, and the thing that really disturbs me, is that the other day my older dd kicked my four year old down some stairs. I was livid, and I said something very mean on the spur of the moment: "I'll make sure Santa Claus knows about this." I then thought to myself : "where did that abusive remark come from?" and I apologized to her and explained that SC loves her no matter what she does and so forth. But I cannot imagine a worst thing to say to a child. So, here I am, committed to GD, and I let myself say something like that? Yuck.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Someone said that to my daughter either last year or the year before and she BURST into tears. We do Santa but not the naughty threat. She has asked a couple of times this year about the naughty list and I said Santa would come and not to worry about it because no one is expected to be nice all the time.

I hate hate hate this "naughty list" concept.


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## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Dh has done this a couple times this month "do what your mother says, you want Santa to come don't you?"









We have had SO many strangers ask my ds "have you been good? Is Santa going to come?" We do Santa but I just hate that questions. Ds is shy anyway so he's not going to answer them so I always just say "yes, he's always good".

I agree, people shouldn't assume you do the same holiday as them. It's rude.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Strangers do this? Really? How do they know you're not Jewish (or of any other non-Christian faith)?


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## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

I never did when the kids were younger because it just seemed mean and confusing. Now I do it now in a joking sort-of way, usually when the kids are being mildly irritating, not actually "naughty". I start humming "SC is comming to town" and it makes them laugh.


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## IdahoMom (Nov 8, 2005)

My mom recently suggested that I use this on my highly spirited daughter (who is going through a particularly bad phase right now). She said she used to say it to us and it worked. I don't really remember, but it doesn't sit well with me or fit our style of parenting.

Thank goodness she is very respectful of our place as parents. My dead silence said it all, and she dismissed the idea. And I know she'll never say it to the kids herself, because she's really respectful like that.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

"Happy Hanukkah!" Big smile.

or

"We don't use Santa as a control device."

At least, that's what I'd want to say. I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to say it, though!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I have the same strong internal reaction to this, like everyone has posted. The whole "Be good for Santa" thing makes me cringe.

And....

I think that people in service jobs (like at the hospital) are accustomed to seeing very stressed out parents trying to deal with very out-of-control children, and they try to pitch in and help. I think their hearts are often in the right place, and they are just appealing to what they know and have learned.


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## maplesugar (May 24, 2005)

I witnessed this at a daycare where I was applying for a job. (which I didn't end up taking)








It made me quite upset: this worker telling the children they better hurry up with their cleaning or santa wouldn't be visiting them.


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Treasuremapper* 
I am with you one hundred percent. Have you see http://www.elfontheshelf.com?


Ugh.


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## catchthewind (Jan 11, 2006)

Someone (yes a stranger) said this to my 4 month old in the grocery store. She walked up to us (DD was in our mei tei and had just woken up) and was going on about how precious she was. But she was standing way too close and just moved closer when I backed up a bit and I could tell DD did not like this lady one bit. Anyway DD sort of turned in to me and whimpered a little bit, and the lady said "Oh we can't have any of that or Santa won't be visiting you this year!" I just said she was tired and walked away. Sometimes I wish I could come up with something clever on the spot and have the guts to say it. Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one bothered by this. I loved Santa as a kid (even though I don't think I ever really believed in him), so we will do it, but I would never use Santa to threaten or manipulate my children. My dad did get coal (and nothing else) in his stocking one year. He used to threaten us with that but we always knew he was joking.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

We do not 'do' Santa either. He is a character like Barney or the Wiggles. We give gifts to celebrate baby Jesus' birth and the love that we share with one another. Christmas is for spending time with those you love, celebrating the gift of love, joy and peace. I cannot stand when people say, 'Santa won't come if you're not good, etc', My 5 yr old has behavioral issues and if this comes up he says, My mom buys me gifts, not Santa. It cracks me up to hear him.

Best wishes to you. I really wish that strangers would not ask kids stuff like this. What if you do not celebrate? Or how about the kids are tired and in a stress inducing situation already? Give them a break.

Take care!


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## utopia760 (Feb 7, 2007)

yah know its funny we dont say that kind of thing santas not gonna come if ya know but ds almost 3 says "was that naughty?" and "oh santas not going to come" when i never said it ever. I think he got it from that song "you better watch out you better not cry you better not pout im telling you way" or "He sees if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake" I just tell him he need to do nice things all the time and ignoer the santa referance


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

We do Santa, and I have never once said anything to my kids about their behavior connected to getting presents. It makes me crazy. Even just listening to other people say it to their kids gets me a bit uptight.

When people ask him "Have you been good this year for Santa" I usually say something like "He's always good!"


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
"Happy Hanukkah!" Big smile.


OMG, I think that's the best response ever! So simple, yet brilliant.


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## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

To the OP: Yeah, that sucks big time.









And _wow_ that "Elf on the Shelf" thing gives me major heebie jeebies. I think that is just f'd up, honestly.







:

We do a veeery low key Santa, with no mention at all of that stupid "he knows when you've been bad or good" crap. Sheesh. How many MORE ways can our society convince children that our love for them is conditional?


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

We really enjoy doing Santa but not, as another poster stated, as a "control device." I'd reassure my child that Santa will come to our house and it has nothing to do with how he behaves because Santa loves children unconditionally.


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## a(TM)?Star (Oct 13, 2005)

Ewe. This is the first year that ds has any grasp on Santa (he's 2.5) and this has been going on for the last 3 months with my in-laws. Um, is that really supposed to make them behave? Isn't it the same thing the rest of the year to say, OOH! If you're a good boy, you can have a pile of candy!!!! No thanks! Parents that use this are just setting themselves up for a rough year after the holidays. We actually have to see the in-laws tonight, I'm sure the Santa bit will be thrown around 100 times. The Happy Haunnakuah response is the best though, I wish I could use it later. Oh well, maybe at least to strangers!


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I effing said that to my own child a week or 2 ago.









The things that come out of my mouth....


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
(Sophia is looking a bit confused like why is this stranger yelling at me

completely off topic, but I Tend to rip visible holes in strangers who feel they have the right to yell at / redirect or otherwise disciplinarily handle my kids.

That woman would be wearing her coat in a very uncomfortable spot....


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Strangers do this? Really? How do they know you're not Jewish (or of any other non-Christian faith)?









I'm not Christian and we do "Christmas" and Santa Claus, and the same for my parents when I was younger. While I know not everyone practices Christmas, this just kinda irked me.

I'm "Pagan" if I were to need a title and DH is a pure athiest, but we still love Christmas as a time to spend with our little ones, and the magic of Santa Claus and decorating a tree and just all around appreciating eachother.

One of the best things of my childhood was the magic of Christmas. I have never even considered "Santa wont come if..." probably because I enjoy giving Christmas as much if not more than my kids enjoy getting it.


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## Lashlock (Oct 22, 2006)

I typically only lurk in this section because we dont have kids yet and i"m reading to learn, but I have to chime in that these statements really churn my butter!
to use anything that is typically a "given" in a family like Santa or birthday as a bartering, no a punishment/coercing type thing is ridiculous. It also begins to assign even more the labels of "good" and "bad" behavior, instead of the idea that behavior is just behavior and it has an intention, a purpose and is for a reason (not to BE bad or BE good just to get Santa, something they are already "supposed" to get). can you imagine threatening to take away something already promised to a child like a birthday? I can't imagine looking my 4 year old in the face and saying "well you are whining right now because its a little past your naptime and you dont know how to express yourself but if you dont shut up right now, I"m taking your entire christmas away"


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

My DD's preschool teachers have been doing this lately and its driving me nuts -- even though we do Santa gifts. I try never to threaten the kids with anything, and I really dislike Santa as a "control device" (nice phrase, BYW). So for the last week, every time I so much as ask DD to do something for a second time she melts down and wails that now Santa won't bring her presents. Not to mention that I know there are non-Christians in the class, and they know this too because the mom came into explain Chanukah and passed out dreidels. I meant to say something this morning but was running late. I hope one of th teachers is still there when I pick her up today.


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## samuelsmom (Nov 27, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Strangers do this? Really? How do they know you're not Jewish (or of any other non-Christian faith)?









That was always my thought, too! A few years ago, a stranger at a shopping mall said it to my ds and I just gaped at her. I couldn't believe someone who doesn't even know me would say that! BTW, we don't even "do" the Santa thing, so ds was totally confused anyway (and only 2 years old). It makes me crazy.


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

I have to deal with this almost every time I leave my house. In previous years, my DD was too young to understand, so I just said, "She doesn't know who he is," but now that she's 3.5, she pays close attention to these kinds of comments. I've started politely telling people, "All children are good, and Santa visits anyone who wants him to." After we saw the movie "Fred Claus," I've told anyone who will listen that the best part about the movie is the acknowledgement that there are no "naughty children" and that all children are good and deserve Santa's love.

I also am bothered by the question, "What is Santa going to bring you" because IME it always seems goes along with the consumeristic idea that children should get everything they ask for. I always respond, "You mean, what did ask Santa for?"


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## LovinLiviLou (Aug 8, 2004)

I think folks really underestimate how much this impacts our kids. My 4 yr old is really picking up on it this year. I have never told her she had to be good to get presents (we do the spirit of Santa, but not so much a big fat man enters our house and is real thing). But the other day (as the song was playing on the radio), she said "Mom, do you really have to be good to get presents?" I went into this long explanation about how different people celebrate different things (she has Jewish friends and friends that celebrate Yule, etc) and people even celebrate Christmas in different ways. I told her that some folks did celebrate this way, but that we choose to give unconditionally. I also then added that we are kind to each other and show respect for each other, and that is regardless of whether gifts are coming or not.

On another note, my mom got the elf on the shelf thing for us. I have no idea what she was thinking, except that I honestly think she didn't know what the story line was (it was still sealed when I opened it). I think she thought it was just this game where you moved the elf around. I also was naive, and started reading the book to my dd without prereading it. As I realized in horror what the story line was, I started making up my own story. OMG, talk about ad libbing on the fly. I totally had to rewrite the story. But in the end, we made it a story about an elf who sat on a shelf and you told him what gifts you thought other people would like (since we try to focus on giving and not receiving). And in the end, my daughter thought the little elf was freaky looking and we mailed him back to Santa (no joke!). Smart little girl I have, if I might say so myself.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
When people ask him "Have you been good this year for Santa" I usually say something like "He's always good!"

I said that exact comeback to a nurse at our ped's office last week! In a friendly way, I wasn't trying to slap her down, just hate it when people talk about children "being good".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennisee* 
I also am bothered by the question, "What is Santa going to bring you" because IME it always seems goes along with the consumeristic idea that children should get everything they ask for.

I agree, and I also dislike the "what did Santa bring you" or even "what did you get for (Christmas/birthday/Easter/whatever holiday)" questions.

There are SO many nice things people can say, I wish they'd be creative and pick something other than threatening kids with Santa, assuming everybody celebrates the same things/way they do, and focusing on what stuff you get.


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## Lashlock (Oct 22, 2006)

I just wanted to say thank god for this board. i dont have like-minded people around here, so its refreshing to hear it or at least read it from other people


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## FallingLeaves (Nov 30, 2006)

My IL's (who live with us) started doing this with my 2.5 yo DD







. I think we are hearing it everyday now. I'm ashamed to say it has slipped out of my mouth once or twice since they started saying it. I am so glad someone started this post. I am going to make sure it doesn't come out of my mouth again.

I'm not sure what to do about the IL's, they aren't very respectful of my way of parenting.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL'smom* 
My IL's (who live with us) started doing this with my 2.5 yo DD








. I think we are hearing it everyday now. I'm ashamed to say it has slipped out of my mouth once or twice since they started saying it. I am so glad someone started this post. I am going to make sure it doesn't come out of my mouth again.

I'm not sure what to do about the IL's, they aren't very respectful of my way of parenting.

Just tell your dd that santa ALWAYS comes no matter what, his love is unconditional. Tell her that gma just likes to play that game, lots of adults do but not to worry about it, she will get presents.

My kids are aware of the naughty thing..they just have been told over and over that it's just a game some parents use to get their kids to do stuff, that I don't and santa will come, not to worry.

They believe me over strangers.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenlaana* 
completely off topic, but I Tend to rip visible holes in strangers who feel they have the right to yell at / redirect or otherwise disciplinarily handle my kids.

That woman would be wearing her coat in a very uncomfortable spot....

I know..I think she got it..I was VERY firm when I spoke. I kept it under control because there were a lot of kids there but I wanted to drop-kick her







: and this was the first time my kids ever met her.


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## knitdelaware (Dec 18, 2007)

My parents didn't have a lot of money raising four kids on a teacher and minister's salary! We knew up front that there would be presents under the tree but not to expect some Santa-person to pull a magic rabbit out of his sleigh! I do not intend to raise Stephen to believe in Santa even though my husband wants to. I guess I will let it play itself out and see what happens. We are Christian and Christmas is not about the holiday machine that bombards you with THE HOT TOY EVERY CHILD HAS TO HAVE OR THEY WILL DIE. Sorry...rant complete.







:


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Someone said something similar to my son years ago when he was throwing a fit in a store. He had no clue what/who Santa was at that point, plus when he was in a full blown tantrum he was in no state of mind to even hear her. I was so upset I was kinda mean to her.







:

We do Santa around here, but Santa brings gifts unrelated to if you are "good" or "bad". Ugh. My son came home from preschool the other day telling me one of the teachers said he was going on the "naughty" list for not staying quiet during naptime. I flew off the handle and made him tell me which teacher, explained why she was SO VERY wrong, and went and told her the very same thing the next morning.







: My son and I now have a joke about other people's "naughty" lists, but at least he knows no matter what he does, I will not think any less of him. And Santa will still come.

Ugh.


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## Mom2Joseph (May 31, 2006)

People ask our DS and DD if "santa is coming soon" or to our house or some such crap...and I always say "No, but Jesus is!" that stops them quickly....

Sometimes DS will speak faster than I can and say "he's just a STORY! We're making Jesus a birthday cake and having a PARTY".

Do not even get me started on preschools and naughty lists....







:


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *knitdelaware* 
My parents didn't have a lot of money raising four kids on a teacher and minister's salary! We knew up front that there would be presents under the tree but not to expect some Santa-person to pull a magic rabbit out of his sleigh! I do not intend to raise Stephen to believe in Santa even though my husband wants to. I guess I will let it play itself out and see what happens. We are Christian and Christmas is not about the holiday machine that bombards you with THE HOT TOY EVERY CHILD HAS TO HAVE OR THEY WILL DIE. Sorry...rant complete.







:

We say Santa brings presents to celebrate Jesus' birthday.

But then again, I guess Jesus should actually be getting the presents then.









Can you imagine, being a Christian, if Santa brought a lump of coal to celebrate Jesus' birthday? The kids would be scarred for life!























It would totally defeat the purpose of "Jesus Loves you no matter what."

And my Christian family and friends actually do the "good or bad" thing. (At least threatening it-I dont know anyone who actually would not give their kdis presents) Kids are smart. They know we are bluffing anyways. But its not nice when they are young and haven't figured that out yet.


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## annekevdbroek (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
We do Santa, and I have never once said anything to my kids about their behavior connected to getting presents. It makes me crazy. Even just listening to other people say it to their kids gets me a bit uptight.

When people ask him "Have you been good this year for Santa" I usually say something like "He's always good!"


Same here.

It also really bugs me that other people would take it upon themselves to tell my child that Santa may or may not come depending on their behavior. Obviously it is entirely up to ME (and DH) if Santa comes, and having some person butt into the whole "santa only comes if you are good" thing pisses me off.

We just tell the kids that Santa brings toy because he loves children.


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## MommytoB (Jan 18, 2006)

i get so tired of how my son is getting so confused on the santa because so many strangers ask him and he goes to grandma santa not coming or to other strangers and they go yes he will then he goes it is not snowing they go he will come even when it doesnt snow or he will be here on this day so i go brendan ppl like to play the santa game the presents will be from santa since grandma likes to play santa for the family. i even told the family that i do not do the magical one. I do the keep in memory of st nick but they took him out to show the sleigh that's airplane flying around with a red light for red nose reindeer-i be honest with him and i go why do ppl go ahead like teachers tell characters on tv show are fake but having them be in the belief of santa claus who's just a character on tv too


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