# High-need baby + sleep = not



## jaye_p (Mar 12, 2005)

Hi, I'm new to this forum, and I have one burning question to ask you all: does anyone else here have a high need baby who refuses/is unable to sleep unless s/he is being held? My 9 mo ds will take naps only if he's lying in my arms and I'm completely motionless - which means I now nap with him almost every time - and at night he sleeps sprawled across me. He weighs 20# and it's starting to get hard to breathe. And then during the day he never wants to be put down (we own many many slings) but that's another issue.

So...has anyone else here been in this situation? I tried talking to my pediatrician about this, and he gave me a "helpful sheet" (his words, not mine) which was basically ferberizing (NO NO NO!). The issue is not that I want him to be able to sleep in a crib - I don't - the issue is that I would love to be able to do something in the daytime when he naps, and it would be great if I were able to change positions at night while asleep!

Any suggestions?

TIA,

Jaye


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## Marina S (Jan 20, 2005)

Yes, yes, yes. I sympathize, empathize, and completely understand what you are going through. I have a 10 month old daughter who can also be characterized as "high need".

She does not nap alone well. The only time she naps well by herself is in the car, and I need to be driving, lol. Other than that, I have succumbed to her needs and now just either nap with her, OR, I read, or get on the computer (we have a laptop) while she sleeps on me, or in the sling, or next to me on the bed. If she is next to me, I need to be touching her with some part of my body so that she knows that I am there. Mind you, this is an improvement! It used to be that my nipple had to be in her mouth the entire time.

I get frustrated, I wish I could do the umpteen loads of laundry that need to get done, or the dishes from the night before. But I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass, and she will sleep on her own sooner or later. I just need to be patient and persistent. I try new things all the time (soft music, white noise, lovey, cover w/blanket, leave blanket off, keep the room warm, try it cool... you name it, we've tried it) and sometimes we see improvement for a few days, and then, well ... you know. But I refuse to let her CIO in any situation, so we just keep trying.

I don't know what else to tell you except if your pediatrician is anything like mine, just don't even go there.







I like him for the most part, but he has also suggested Ferberizing, ("they need to cry", uh huh...) so we just don't discuss sleep anymore. I know what we're doing is right for us, and yes, though it takes it toll some days, I know that in the long run she will benefit. And she will be happy in knowing that mama NEVER let her cry, because she was very much loved and cherished.


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

I was there, not w/ dd sprawled across me at night but I couldn't get up out of bed after she fell asleep. When she started to verbalize things, she would call the bathroom "hoooo" b/c when I would finally get to go to the bathroom in the morning, I'd sigh b/c I had to go so bad!









It does get better.

Do you have a back carrier? Will he fall asleep while you're doing things in that and then keep doing stuff? I know that my dd would fall asleep w/ me walking around the house but I'd have to keep moving. She would fuss if I just sat down or was standing still and would then stay awake.

That's the only suggestion I have right now. I'll try to think of more.
Sus


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

YES YES YES

(as I contort myself to type on laptop with one hand without disurbing DS who is sleeping on my lap)

We sleep in a recliner chair together.

I've told people DS is like the "prince(ss) and the pea" because even in deep sleep he senses when he's not touching another human being and immediately wakes up.

I'll try to respond for real tomorrow when DH is playing with DS. I was just so excited to see this post, I wanted to respond right away!


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

(Typing one-handed again, while DS sleeps on my lap).

I was also wondering if I was alone in having such a high needs sleeper. DS was born like this... _he_ taught _me_ about co-sleeping (I had no choice... I'd naively assumed he'd sleep in his crib, which I now use as a changing table), which in turn led me to learn about and embrace other things AP. So that's good!

Mostly I love being cuddly with DS, and can't imagine him sleeping away from me now. Today I woke up at 5:45 AM because a warm little hand was stroking my cheek. I opened my eyes to see wide blue eyes staring up at me. Memories like that will be etched in my mind forever.









Sometimes I feel like life is drowning me though, because I can't get much done each day. My housekeeping and cooking standards have become atrocious. This would be untenable if DH weren't so helpful with housework and giving me an early morning DS-free nap every day.

Like a pp said she does, I just kick back with my laptop, or nap along with DS. Once I learned to relax and roll with it (I mean, it _can't_ last forever, so I focus on the good stuff) it has been an OK situation. Hard at times, but OK.

DS goes to a daycare provider P/T because I WOH P/T. That has proven challenging for us. They don't let DS CIO, and they have to work really hard to get DS to fall asleep, and then he stays asleep for only 20-30 minutes in a vibrating bouncy-seat before he's awake and hoppin' mad. He won't sleep for a single minute in the crib. The ladies who care for him hold him through naps if they have the time, but that's rare. DS also won't sleep in the car unless he's sleep deprived (like occasionally after he has been with the daycare provider) and even that doesn't last for more than about 30 minutes. DS also needs a lot of holding during the day, too, like your DC.

So you asked for advice on how to break free for a bit and all I did was ramble about my sleepng arrangements with DS... sorry 'bout that. As long as DS goes to daycare occasionally, where they try very hard to get him to sleep alone, I will not make any independent efforts to get him to sleep alone. If they have some success, well then I know DS is developmentally ready to sleep alone and then I'll try at home. Otherwise, it's like







trying to get it to work.

Sorry I don't have any concrete solutions - I am in the same situation you are. I just get great support from DH which, along with my trusty recliner chair and laptop, get me through each day. I'll be reading to see if other mamas have any good ideas.


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## jaye_p (Mar 12, 2005)

OMG it's so good to hear from other mothers in the same situation! I get so tired of (well-meaning but uncomprehending) people telling me that this is my fault (like there's something intrinsically wrong with my ds - which there isn't) b/c I held him "too much" (!!) when he was a newborn, or b/c I pick him up whenever he cries (!!) or b/c I don't let him CIO (grrr!).

I just reread my post, and I could tell that I was really tired when I wrote it, b/c I was mentioning only the bad. But like Chunklin'sMommy said, there is such a wonderful side too - I too love waking up with a warm baby snuggled in my arms & beautiful brown eyes inches from mine - my ds's smile is the first thing I see every morning, and I wouldn't have it any other way. And the fact that he won't nap unless I'm holding him means at least that I usually get some sleep during the day.

And of course, slings have been a lifesaver - I *love* my KK pouch and I have a Mei Tai on order which I'm really looking forward to using. So that's the good side - that b/c my ds is HN, I feel like I'm a more attached parent that I would otherwise have been (my mom & major role model not being the most attached of parents, to say the least).

Thanks for sharing your stories! I feel reassured when I read them, b/c even though I _know_ there's nothing wrong with my ds, when you hear the same negative comments often enough from many different people, you do start to doubt yourself.

And, Chunklin'sMommy - thanks especially for mentioning your daycare experiences. I had tried to do pt daycare for my ds b/c I'm supposed to be writing my dissertation at home this year, and couldn't get anything done with my ds always in my arms. It was a disaster. After 3 months of 2 days a week, I finally found out that my ds spent most of each day he was there crying uncontrollably b/c he was tired & couldn't sleep - they were allowed to keep babies in bouncy seats for only 15 mn at a time & he just can't sleep in a crib - so I took him out of daycare. But his teachers said things that really worried me - like that they had _never_ seen a baby so incapable of adapting to daycare - which made me worry even more.

Wow, this is a long post. I'll shut up now. But I'm glad to know that you AP mommies to HN babies are out there. Thanks sooooo much!


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## bartleby (Oct 28, 2003)

I had to reply to your thread just because of the title, which made me chuckle. (A chuckle I needed, I might add, on the afternoon following my daughter's official Worst Night of Sleep Ever.) I don't know if I'd classify my babe as high-needs, although maybe she is. She is certainly very specific about her needs, which are, mainly: I must be on my mama as much as possible in order to sleep, and if I am not, I will wake up in a tizzy and make my needs known, very very loudly. Sigh...

I, like you all, refuse to do the CIO thing, although last night I did kind of a soft version of it--namely, rather than pick her up and hold her on my chest at 4 a.m., like I knew she probably wanted, I lay there with her on the bed next to me holding her tightly with as much of my body on hers as I could while she cried. For about two minutes. Then I picked her up and put her on my chest. Not really CIO, I know, but it felt a little stern to me. (Hey, I'm having trouble getting on board with the No-Cry Sleep Solution, so I'm inclined to let things be as they are, I guess.)

Sorry I can't be of help, really. Just sharing my experience with you all and chiming in on the I'm-not-alone feelings! Calm nights, everyone.


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## jldumm (Sep 6, 2006)

my babe is almost a year old and has been a pretty high needs baby from the start..... she has gradually gotten better..

things i have tried that DID work
help her go from sleeping on me to sleeping next to me touching to sleeping next to me to me in the other room being quiet but close so i can respond quickly- This seemed to work to get her to go downand stay down longer by herself for naps- i couldn't really do this at night because we really don't have enough room.
i am trained as an occupational therapist with specialization in pediatrics so i tried some things for kids who have a hard time calming themselves.
Deep touch pressure protocol
therapeutic listening
vestibular protocol
will try to write more later.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

You are SOOO NOT alone!!! hehehe- I had a very super high needs first baby- Jake. He is now a very high needs child, and when I look back I remember how hard is was for a while. It does get easier, or maybe we get more accustomed to our children's needs. I think it's great that you are able to take a nap with him, as you probably need it too. I learned real fast that the more I naped with my baby the better I felt about me. I was able to get some sleep/rest that I really needed. When you have a HN kids- the clock also needs to go out the window, with the kitchen sink, the stove, the dirty potty.... LOL you get the idea.

From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you are doing exactly what your baby needs. Hang in there! It will get better- I promise! Also check out a Chunei for when you HAVE to get something done- that's the only help I have ever had that was consistant. Hugs- you are doing great!


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

BT, DT twice. It's NO fun, and I am hoping someday to get enough sleep. I wish I could help you! It's hard when you can't count on nap time to get a break.


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## IfMamaAintHappy (Apr 15, 2002)

I did have one. She is 8 now. I could also sleep next to her... but sleeping independently didnt happen until she was about 18 months.


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## DaytonsMom (Aug 25, 2007)

I almost cried reading these replies. My ds has been high needs from the beginning also. My MIL has told me several times that it's because i always pick him up hold him too much, etc. But my hubby and I knew that we had to hold him or he'd cry. I would love a high needs support group because you really do start to doubt yourself and think your the only one. But ds has actually been sleeping better since he turned 1. I usually still have to be in bed or the recliner with him, but i've started sneaking out to try and eat or get something done quietly. If we are in the bedroom we have a guitar CD that we just keep on repeat, he now knows its time for bed when i put it on, and immedietly goes to nurse. Or i watch a movie while we are in the recliner and he is sleeping so i can kinda do a matrix move to get out of the chair and do something and the sound of the movie keeps him asleep. But even then he will wake up every 30 min or so and i have to nurse him back to sleep. and sometimes i can't even get out of the room before he wakes up. But this is definitly better than it was !!







Also if i put him on my back in the Ergo and vacuum he will usually fall asleep. Or walk outside(he LOVES to be outside) and then try to take him off my back and lay on the bed if he's in a deep sleep, which works 1 out of 10 times! So usually i just try to do a little bit while he's on my back before he wakes up.

So great to know that there are other mamas out there going through this. my house is in a bit of disarray, from the past year. but i know it will keep getting better, and he will be a more secure person because of it.

Good luck to ya all
gotta go he's awake


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## treehugz (Apr 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DaytonsMom* 
I would love a high needs support group because you really do start to doubt yourself and think your the only one.


I totally agree! A high needs support group would be great.

My dd will sleep only next-to/on-top-of a warm body. I've given up trying to get her to nap away from me, because when I'd try laying her down, she'd wake up after a max of 20 minutes (usually MUCH sooner) and then cry and cry till she was so worked up that she wouldn't go back to sleep... then she'd be fussy the rest of the day and have a crying fit before bedtime cause she was so tired. So for now, I've given up trying.

She'll sometimes nap in my wrap carrier as long as I'm in motion, but that doesn't help you if your LO only naps in complete stillness! Since I don't get much done while she's napping, I decided to make use of her awake time... she is more open to trying new things during awake-and-happy-time than tired-time-for-nap-time. So I placed stations in every room of the house where I can put her down: in the bedroom, she'll lay in the crib and "play" with her mobile while I put clothes away; while I'm in the bathroom, she'll sit in her bouncy seat; in the kitchen, she'll sit in her carseat and play with the toys hanging from the handle while I do dishes and cook; etc. Still, I have to wait for her to be awake and in a good mood and she'll only be put down for a few minutes at a time, but she tolerates it for longer and longer every day... and it's much better than before when she had to be held non-stop.

Sorry that's kinda long-winded and not much help... but HUGS to you and all the other HN mamas out there!


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## aschmied (Apr 22, 2007)

I'm with ya! I thought that all babies were like that, and was entirely perplexed how anyone ever got anything done! I was finally figuring out that they weren't when #2 came along and proved it.

Me: "Huh? You want down? I don't get it. But hey, if it's what you want, besides, big sister want's up..."

I reassure myself with the saw that they won't need you to sleep in college!


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## JeanetteJ (Oct 16, 2007)

Not to detract from mothering.com, but there is a yahoo group for moms of high needs infants/children. Here's the link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HNchild/
I've been a part of this group for over a year now (I have a 20 month old hn son) and this group has been wonderful. All the women are attachment parents, don't support CIO, and have the same struggles with sleep everyone mentioned in this thread.

When my son was an infant, he never slept longer than 40 minutes the first 6 months of his life. And he was a bit different than most high need infants in that he really disliked motion. He only fell asleep cradled tightly in my arms in a very dark room with white noise. The first year was so intense because he seemed to fuss nonstop and rarely went to sleep easily. It's always seemed to me like these kids are born wanting to do more than they physically/developmentally can. Things definitely got easier for us when my son started walking and verbalizing more. They take a lot of creative parenting and some of the best darn mamas I've ever seen!
Good luck, everyone!
-Jeanette


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

There is a High Needs tribe.

My DD is high needs, but never slept well with me.

I just wanted to mention that her sleep needs changed pretty dramatically at 18 months - for the better - so HANG IN THERE!


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