# Is this too tacky? 1st Birthday/wish list



## kitikatuka (Jul 10, 2009)

Hello there everyone,
I'm working on the invitations for my daughter's first birthday and would like to include a note that says something like: "Baby Kitikatuka has created a wish list at onlinestore.com. Search Wish Lists for Baby Kitikatuka." This way, we can direct people to items that we really need and/or toys that I know are safe (bpa/phthalate-free) and toys that we'd love to get (cool wooden toys, organic cloth dolls and the like), rather than end up with a pile of beeping, light up plastic stuff.

My husband isn't sure about including this note and thinks it may not go over too well when people read it. What do you think?


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## JessBB (Apr 10, 2007)

He's right. Don't do it. If people ask, you can tell them, otherwise you can always return gifts and get something else if it's really not ok.


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## jimblejamble (May 18, 2007)

People always ask for a few gift ideas anyway, so why not?


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## Oztok5 (Mar 25, 2008)

I wouldn't do it. I know it's a pain to receive gifts you can't really use, but unfortunately, it's still tacky to list a registry, or in this case a wishlist, on an invitation. Hopefully people will ask what type of things you and baby need, and in that case, you can guide them to the registry.

I hope it works out for you!


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

I wouldn't do it. If anyone asks you can direct them there.


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

I find it tacky. You're inviting these people because you want to celebrate this special day - by including the wishlist in the invitation you're putting an emphasis on the presents and not the presence.


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## adoremybabe (Jun 8, 2006)

On invites for my children's birthdays I always include something like...

"Your presense is present enough."

I do not want anyone to feel like they have to bring a gift. It's the celebration of life that is important.


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## montlake (Mar 13, 2008)

You should never make any mention of gifts in an invitation. It's tacky. Especially for a 1 year old, I would think most people would just roll their eyes. The best way to communicate this info is if someone specifically asks. (Grandmothers are also good for spreading this info word-of-mouth) Though again, I wouldn't even ask for a 1 year old, as she can't really communicate what she wants.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kitikatuka* 
Hello there everyone,
I'm working on the invitations for my daughter's first birthday and would like to include a note that says something like: "Baby Kitikatuka has created a wish list at onlinestore.com. Search Wish Lists for Baby Kitikatuka." This way, we can direct people to items that we really need and/or toys that I know are safe (bpa/phthalate-free) and toys that we'd love to get (cool wooden toys, organic cloth dolls and the like), rather than end up with a pile of beeping, light up plastic stuff.

My husband isn't sure about including this note and thinks it may not go over too well when people read it. What do you think?

Don't do it.

She didn't create the list; you did. She doesn't need/ want those things; you do. If your guests don't get you something you think is "cool," thank them graciously and donate it to a shelter or save it for a holiday T for T drive. Chances are, they put thought into whatever gift they chose, even if it wasn't on your list.


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## Keria (Sep 27, 2008)

Don't do it.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
Don't do it.

She didn't create the list; you did. She doesn't need/ want those things; you do. If your guests don't get you something you think is "cool," thank them graciously and donate it to a shelter or save it for a holiday T for T drive. Chances are, they put thought into whatever gift they chose, even if it wasn't on your list.

I agree with this, in the most gentle and nicest way possible.

ETA: I know the concerns about toxins in plastics are real, and your DD deserves to have safe toys, but I still think mentioning it on the invite won't go over very well.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

I sent out a wish list to my parents but no one else.









What about just simply putting in a statement that you are trying to avoid plastics and use more natural toys with a list of 2 to 3 websites as a starting point? Plastics are an environmental and health issue so I think that could be okay. But as stated above, I'm tacky like that.

V


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

How about sending eco-friendly birthday invites? Maybe guests will get the hint without having it being spelled out for them.

http://www.naturemoms.com/blog/2007/...irthday-party/

http://www.tinyprints.com/eco-friendly-birthdays.htm

http://greenandcleanmom.org/eco-frie...ions-and-more/


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## monkey-lamb (Jun 4, 2009)

Totally tacky. Don't do it.

It implies that gifts are expected. I agree that you should return the gifts you don't want or donate them to someone who does.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

Quote:

Totally tacky. Don't do it.
I agree.


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## MyPeanuts (Jan 19, 2008)

.


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## Kristin0105 (Mar 1, 2008)

Tackola. Don't do it and invitation should never include mention of presents, wish lists, etc... The purpose of the party is to celebrate your child's life with people who love her not to add to her playroom. People will ask ( I know I often do) and then you can tell them you like ecofriendly toys.


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

I wouldn't include it in the invite, but chances are people are going to ask for ideas, anyway; at least my family & friends did. But be prepared - only 1 person actually got something that we had suggested. Everyone else "was _going_ to get abc, but saw xyz and couldn't pass it up."







Fortunately, we've been pretty clear about not wanting plastic and/or *junk* since birth, so most of the gifts were things we would have bought dd ourselves.


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## photochef (Aug 14, 2005)

For my daughter's birthday at the bottom of the invite, we listed her interests:

baby dolls
puppies
books
Shrek
playing outside

And almost everything that people brought was a real hit for her. She got a doll stroller and clothes, a doll, a stuffed Shrek







, a few books, sprinkler toys and bubbles and some littlest pet shop puppies.

It was great!

And no one had to look up something on a registry or feel like we were telling them what to buy. And people who didn't know her too well, were able to find something that she would like and not have to worry about getting something that would go to waste. I hate that feeling - of getting a gift that just gets regifted.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaCaveBear* 
For my daughter's birthday at the bottom of the invite, we listed her interests:

baby dolls
puppies
books
Shrek
playing outside

And almost everything that people brought was a real hit for her. She got a doll stroller and clothes, a doll, a stuffed Shrek







, a few books, sprinkler toys and bubbles and some littlest pet shop puppies.

It was great!

And no one had to look up something on a registry or feel like we were telling them what to buy. And people who didn't know her too well, were able to find something that she would like and not have to worry about getting something that would go to waste. I hate that feeling - of getting a gift that just gets regifted.


I think this is great. You really are going to get presents and it's nice that you could direct people to things your lo will LOVE. As a side my dd LOVED Shrek at that age, too, lol.
I think people want to know what your kid is really going to like/love/use. I know lots and lots of people asked me what she would want before her first Christmas and I did end up sending out an email with a wishlist of things I, as her mom who spends every single day with her, picked out things that I thought she would like. And people were glad that I had made it easier for them, that is the people who had asked. Everyone else just did what they wanted and we did get some things we gave away. Which to me is a waste, but I agree that people should be able to give what they want to.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

But, even listing interests suggests a gift should be brought. If asked, I think it's great to say, "Oh, she's interested in x, y, and z." Other than that, I think no mention or suggestion of gifts should be made of gifts in any way, shape, or form.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Don't do it.

If people ask, that's another story. But asking? Tacky. Wording it as if the baby is asking? Even tackier.


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## inkslinger (May 29, 2009)

I agree, tacky. Don't do it. If someone asks what she wants, direct them to the wishlist. Otherwise, let it alone and return or donate unwanted gifts.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

no! don't do it.

when people mention they have made a registry without me asking for that information I make a point of not shopping from it.


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## kitikatuka (Jul 10, 2009)

Okay - you all make very good points about this idea being in poor taste and have some excellent ideas for alternatives. I'll keep it off the invitation.

Thank you for weighing in, everyone!


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JessBB* 
He's right. Don't do it. If people ask, you can tell them, otherwise you can always return gifts and get something else if it's really not ok.

I agree.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

We just had a bday party for ds and put "your presence is present enough" and did receive a few things, but those things were super "special" (a hand knit toy, an antique children's book etc). For your parents and your partner's parents I think its fine to send a email with a wish list registry, because you do *expect* them to buy something. But for other folks I would try to go "gift free" anyway, then you don't have to worry about people getting somethign you don't like, feeling put upon by having to purchase a present, feeling like they are not welcome if they can't/couldn't get a gift etc.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Tacky. sorry!


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 
I find it tacky. You're inviting these people because you want to celebrate this special day - by including the wishlist in the invitation you're putting an emphasis on the presents and not the presence.

I know you said you were not going to include the registry, but I thought this was well-stated. I think if people ask, that's great and you can make suggestions. Otherwise, I would just stick to the facts of the party (where, when, etc.).


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## firefly321 (Jun 8, 2009)

Going against the grain, I think your note sounds gentle and to the point. Baby's R Us keeps your registry thru the 1st birthday for people to buy stuff. What that tells me is that is the societal norm.

I think if they are going to get you a gift folks would rather get things you want rather than guessing. At the very least, they can look at your websites and try to get stuff like that from a local store.

Unless you say no presents people are going to bring a present. May as well give them some ideas.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

tacky. sorry.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
no! don't do it.

when people mention they have made a registry without me asking for that information I make a point of not shopping from it.

Heck, I didn't even do a bridal registry, lol.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *firefly321* 
Going against the grain, I think your note sounds gentle and to the point. Baby's R Us keeps your registry thru the 1st birthday for people to buy stuff. What that tells me is that is the societal norm.

I think if they are going to get you a gift folks would rather get things you want rather than guessing. At the very least, they can look at your websites and try to get stuff like that from a local store.

Unless you say no presents people are going to bring a present. May as well give them some ideas.

Just because something _is_ done doesn't mean it _should_ be done. And to heck with some societal norms. If I went along with all of those, I wouldn't be posting on MDC, lol.


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## BarefootScientist (Jul 24, 2007)

I agree with most of the PPs that ideally you should just let people who ask know there is a registry by word-of-mouth and that 1-year birthdays do not need to be gift-packed affairs in the first place.

But on the other hand, a LOT of people do this - put registry info in with invitations. For weddings, showers, birthdays, whatever, so I really think it is becoming more accepted. (Not that that's good, necessarily, I just wouldn't feel as if I were committing a horrible sin if I included a link to a wish list).

We received an invitation to the 2-year birthday of one of DS's little friends, and the BULK of the invitation was actually a list of very detailed instructions of what sorts of gifts they were expecting, down to the stores they wanted gift cards for and the Veggie Tales movies they already had. Now I found THAT _incredibly_ tacky.

Have a fun party!







:


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *firefly321* 
Going against the grain, I think your note sounds gentle and to the point. Baby's R Us keeps your registry thru the 1st birthday for people to buy stuff. What that tells me is that is the societal norm.



What that tells me is that they are a large corporation who is interested in selling as much stuff as they possibly can and thus make as much profit as they possible can. I don't look to Babies R Us for indications of what proper etiquette is.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Re: this point below, I would definitely warn against using Babies R Us to define "societal norm"!







Babies R Us wants you to buy as much of their stuff as possible, so keeping their birth registry open for you for a year after the birth isn't so much about it being the norm as it is a way to milk your registry (and therefore people buying items from them) as much as possible.

Even for my baby shower I asked this question and while the whole point of a baby shower is to both celebrate the upcoming birth but also give presents to help the new parents be ready, everyone told me the note I wanted to put on the invite re: environmentally friendly presents was presumptuous and I should just register for only enviro friendly gifts and leave it at that.

I agree with everyone who said it's tacky and I'm psyched that the OP is taking up some alternative suggestions - Babies R Us doesn't care about good taste!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *firefly321* 
Going against the grain, I think your note sounds gentle and to the point. Baby's R Us keeps your registry thru the 1st birthday for people to buy stuff. What that tells me is that is the societal norm.

I think if they are going to get you a gift folks would rather get things you want rather than guessing. At the very least, they can look at your websites and try to get stuff like that from a local store.

Unless you say no presents people are going to bring a present. May as well give them some ideas.


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## monkey-lamb (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeanine123* 
What that tells me is that they are a large corporation who is interested in selling as much stuff as they possibly can and thus make as much profit as they possible can. I don't look to Babies R Us for indications of what proper etiquette is.


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## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moaningminny* 
I wouldn't do it. If anyone asks you can direct them there.









:


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## My3guys (May 27, 2009)

No way. It really is tacky.....


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
I think no mention or suggestion of gifts should be made of gifts in any way, shape, or form.

I don't mean to single you out since many of the others are expressing the same sentiment, but I have a question about the statement above. Why? Why should "no mention of gifts be made"? To me, it's disengenuous. It is a stupid circular game that just frustrates me. We all know that gifts are "expected" at certain types of parties. Why do we, as a society, all go around pretending its not true?

This is what invitations say to me: I am inviting you to a birthday party. (I know through cultural experience you will probably bring a gift but I am not allowed by social convention to mention it. Even if you don't want to bring a gift and I don't want to receive a gift, we can't talk about it.

When our cousin sent us her wedding invitation, it had her registry info in it. My sister was aghast at the tackiness. I told her I thought it was refreshingly bullsh*t-free. My sister then realized that she actually was judging them for not following etiquette. It didn't matter to her that they were expecting a gift. It just bothered her that they were ignorant of the rule. (Which they weren't actually. They just didn't care about the rule.)

I am not having a birthday party for my son this year because I feel it is impossibly for me to have the party I want. I want his friends to come over and sing happy birthday and have cake. I don't want a bunch of crappy dollar store gifts. I don't want to give out stupid grab bags. And since I am not allowed by etiquette to explain that in a party invite, I am just not having a party. I thought about just having a summer party and surprising everyone with his birthday cake. However, I think his preschool classmates (and their parent/s) wouldn't come to a Labor Day party when they would otherwise come to a birthday party.

The other problem I have is the fact that I am not "allowed" to say "no gifts please" on invitations. My relatives read too much into an invitation. I live far away from them but I would like to send them invites because it is possible that a few of them could travel for a party. However, some of my siblings would get the invite and say, "She knows I can't travel that far and she is just sending me an invite because she is fishing for a gift." Sigh. I have to call them, ask each of them if there is any possibility they can come and then send an invite. I feel like I need permission to send them an invitation.

Why can't we just all be honest with eachother?!


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

To include any mention of a wish list for a one year olds birthday party, especially inside the invitation, is to laugh in the face of etiquette.

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from...I mean, it just STINKS knowing that people are going to spend money on your bub and that there are things they could spend that money on that you ACTUALLY NEED and would love to have, etc.....but darling, it is SO terribly, horribly rude. Really...it's just not done.

That being said...this "list of interests" idea, mentioned by an OP...could be pulled off if you did it in a cute sort of way. _"In case you are wondering...the kinds of things that delight baby k right now are as follows:"_ - type of thing?

Just to be perfectly, completely, totallllllly honest with you......I wouldn't do either, the wish list OR the ideas list, it just goes against everything I was brought up to know about etiquette and would shred my insides with anxiety. An invitation like the one you are putting out is simply not ever supposed to contain mention of gifts...unless it is to say _"Please, no gifts! We require only your presence!"_ - never ever "here's what we want". (Though, honestly...as far as the actual "rules" are concerned...you're really not even supposed to add "no gifts" to an invitation...and in my experience, it really confuses people and then some people bring something anyway and other people don't and some people feel foolish, etc).

I will say, I think there is more wiggle room on these sorts of rules when you are talking a very small group of guests who are mainly family...I just think you get away with more because they know where you're coming from and are the people who are more likely to ask _"what do you think she would want?"_ anyway, you know?

GL....again, I get where you are coming from...it feels like money wasted instead of well spent when someone buys something that you don't need or that your kid simply will not want to play with. But remember, the point of inviting someone to the party, is to rejoice with them in sweet celebration, at the completion of your childs year on this earth! The point of the birthday gift, is to bestow upon the child a special thing, from the loved one, to the birthday girl/boy....a small momento of some importance....to make the GIVER feel good.

After my baby's first birthday a couple of months ago....I completely let go of feeling like I had to have any control/say at all over what people give her for her birthday. It is for the giver to find some thing which sparks in them an excitement to GIVE! My only request: Nothing living, please!


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
I don't mean to single you out since many of the others are expressing the same sentiment, but I have a question about the statement above. Why? Why should "no mention of gifts be made"? To me, it's disengenuous. It is a stupid circular game that just frustrates me. We all know that gifts are "expected" at certain types of parties. Why do we, as a society, all go around pretending its not true?

This is what invitations say to me: I am inviting you to a birthday party. (I know through cultural experience you will probably bring a gift but I am not allowed by social convention to mention it. Even if you don't want to bring a gift and I don't want to receive a gift, we can't talk about it.

When our cousin sent us her wedding invitation, it had her registry info in it. My sister was aghast at the tackiness. I told her I thought it was refreshingly bullsh*t-free. My sister then realized that she actually was judging them for not following etiquette. It didn't matter to her that they were expecting a gift. It just bothered her that they were ignorant of the rule. (Which they weren't actually. They just didn't care about the rule.)

I am not having a birthday party for my son this year because I feel it is impossibly for me to have the party I want. I want his friends to come over and sing happy birthday and have cake. I don't want a bunch of crappy dollar store gifts. I don't want to give out stupid grab bags. And since I am not allowed by etiquette to explain that in a party invite, I am just not having a party. I thought about just having a summer party and surprising everyone with his birthday cake. However, I think his preschool classmates (and their parent/s) wouldn't come to a Labor Day party when they would otherwise come to a birthday party.

The other problem I have is the fact that I am not "allowed" to say "no gifts please" on invitations. My relatives read too much into an invitation. I live far away from them but I would like to send them invites because it is possible that a few of them could travel for a party. However, some of my siblings would get the invite and say, "She knows I can't travel that far and she is just sending me an invite because she is fishing for a gift." Sigh. I have to call them, ask each of them if there is any possibility they can come and then send an invite. I feel like I need permission to send them an invitation.

Why can't we just all be honest with eachother?!

It's not about honesty...at least not for me!

I'm not a fan of the "bullcrap"....but I do love tradition. It is why, when entertaining (SO rare) I always press the proper linens and construct my place settings, etc as they "should" be. It is why I hoard stationary and become giddy at the mere opportunity to write out a "thank you" note....which I always do, email be damned! And....it is why....I would eat marshmallow fluff off the floor of Grand Central Station before I ever, EVER, wrote the instructions for accessing my childs wish list on the inside of a party invitation...it would give me an anxiety induced vomitting fit, I'm sure.

BUT THAT'S ME! You and anyone else, are allowed to do and say whatever you choose...and I'm sure, that there are a thousand creative and cute ways to go about writing these sorts of things so as to come across to people as helpful and genuine, rather than rude. At a certain point, you have to know that some people are just LOOKING for a reason to be disappointed in someone else..and just let it go.

FTR, I feel similarly about parties...I wanted for my DD a low key celebration of her first year on this planet...not a "party party party" - and you know what? We got it. We made it SMALL and I had a conversation with a couple of the "key players" (my MIL, basically) before hand just saying "Look, I want this to be a really stress free, fun time for everyone...since some people are on fixed/low/non-existent incomes...I want to keep gifts small, second hand if possible and inexpensive..." and it actually REALLY relaxed people to come, give a small something that ment something to them...and just celebrate. We did REALLY low key food and just hung out and watched this baby play around while we shared our favorite memories from her first year! It as really nice that we didn't have a situation where some people brought really big, crazy gifts and other people (like great grandmother, etc) who have much much less money, were embarassed at bringing a good, but second hand, sweater...or something like that. Instead, we had a situation, where people had a lot of fun going out together, looking around for low cost, high creativity gifts. Like, on thing she recieved, was this super cool push-and-ride thingie...it had been totally sunbleached and so, was really cheap...and had a really awesome look to it. A cheap little (CUTE!) swim suit...a little animal set...a milk jug that goes "moooo" when tipped...just cute things that the givers really loved giving. It was a blast. So...don't give up. Identify a couple people who are usually a big part of "setting the tone" for such events and tell them "Really low key, really relaxed" and see what happens. You will probably be happily surprised...I was.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
I don't mean to single you out since many of the others are expressing the same sentiment, but I have a question about the statement above. Why? Why should "no mention of gifts be made"? To me, it's disengenuous. It is a stupid circular game that just frustrates me. We all know that gifts are "expected" at certain types of parties. Why do we, as a society, all go around pretending its not true?

This is what invitations say to me: I am inviting you to a birthday party. (I know through cultural experience you will probably bring a gift but I am not allowed by social convention to mention it. Even if you don't want to bring a gift and I don't want to receive a gift, we can't talk about it.

<snip>

The other problem I have is the fact that I am not "allowed" to say "no gifts please" on invitations. My relatives read too much into an invitation. I live far away from them but I would like to send them invites because it is possible that a few of them could travel for a party. However, some of my siblings would get the invite and say, "She knows I can't travel that far and she is just sending me an invite because she is fishing for a gift." Sigh. I have to call them, ask each of them if there is any possibility they can come and then send an invite. I feel like I need permission to send them an invitation.

Why can't we just all be honest with eachother?!

I tend to agree. I know what the etiquette says, but I find it bizarre.

The whole "let's pretend that I'm not expecting a gift" thing is strange. I _don't_ expect gifts, in the way that's sometimes meant. I don't consider a gift to be some kind of entrance fee to a party or anything. (I have one relative that I invite to all children's parties, and I know she's not going to bring a gift - she's broke, and if she had $10-$15 for a children's gift, it would go into the Christmas kitty for her _own_ kids.) But, I do expect them at some events, because I know that giving birthday/shower/wedding gifts is a cultural convention. The way we pretend that's not the case, and aren't "allowed" to provide any guidances, is weird to me.

The formal etiquette of this kind of thing was formed in a very different time. Kids didn't have a house full of toys, or 3000 different kinds of things to choose from. They'd have been thrilled by a little Jacob's Ladder, or a beautiful doll, or some art supplies, because they didn't already _have_ six dolls and a cupboard full of paints, crayons, markers, pastels, and glitter glue - with 6 kinds of paper to use them on. A couple getting married were quite likely to be young and not have much. They were quite happy to get 2 quality blankets, instead of one, or some good tools for the husband (when was the last time anyone saw _that_?), or a good kettle, dutch oven or some nice china or crystal. They didn't already _have_ all that. These days, some discussion doesn't necessarily demonstrate greediness - it can simply be a form of guidance. The etiquette doesn't "allow" it, but I'd _love_ to get wish lists, registries, etc. included with invitations. If I want to get a kit art supplies, it would be _awesome_ to know ahead of time that they love finger knitting or origami, yk?


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I tend to agree. I know what the etiquette says, but I find it bizarre.

The whole "let's pretend that I'm not expecting a gift" thing is strange. I _don't_ expect gifts, in the way that's sometimes meant. I don't consider a gift to be some kind of entrance fee to a party or anything. (I have one relative that I invite to all children's parties, and I know she's not going to bring a gift - she's broke, and if she had $10-$15 for a children's gift, it would go into the Christmas kitty for her _own_ kids.) But, I do expect them at some events, because I know that giving birthday/shower/wedding gifts is a cultural convention. The way we pretend that's not the case, and aren't "allowed" to provide any guidances, is weird to me.

The formal etiquette of this kind of thing was formed in a very different time. Kids didn't have a house full of toys, or 3000 different kinds of things to choose from. They'd have been thrilled by a little Jacob's Ladder, or a beautiful doll, or some art supplies, because they didn't already _have_ six dolls and a cupboard full of paints, crayons, markers, pastels, and glitter glue - with 6 kinds of paper to use them on. A couple getting married were quite likely to be young and not have much. They were quite happy to get 2 quality blankets, instead of one, or some good tools for the husband (when was the last time anyone saw _that_?), or a good kettle, dutch oven or some nice china or crystal. They didn't already _have_ all that. These days, some discussion doesn't necessarily demonstrate greediness - it can simply be a form of guidance. The etiquette doesn't "allow" it, but I'd _love_ to get wish lists, registries, etc. included with invitations. If I want to get a kit art supplies, it would be _awesome_ to know ahead of time that they love finger knitting or origami, yk?


I understand what you're saying...and I do think that "rules" having been decided upon at a different time, some of them may be outdated....but the basic element involved, the main REASON behind the forming of an "etiquette"....is timeless...

The true reason behind these rules, traditions and "things we just don't do" is to avoid social ackwardness. We people all live around each other...and must interact. It is easier to do that when we have rules that help us to avoid embarassments of a social nature. I know that etiquette regardning proper place settings, invitations, etc can be a bit strenuous at times...but there are many much more simple interactions ruled by the laws of "what is polite" that we don't even think about anymore, they are so deeply ingrained in our social makeup. So...perhaps "out" with SOME of the old ideas....but really, I think that there is FAR more to be said for some sort of general idea about the way we should conduct ourselves socially, than for being able to ensure that your child gets exactly what s/he wants for his/her birthday.


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## tankgirl136 (Dec 13, 2008)

This came up for me yesterday when I received my Cousin's wedding invitation with registry information. I have to say it shocked the Miss Manners in me. But the funny thing is why? I mean if it had been in the shower invitation I would have thought nothing of it (it is considered ok ettiqutte wise to include them in the shower invites), but having it in the wedding invitation did. The whole thing is made more strange by the fact that as custom dictates I will bring a gift to both events and I do prefer not having to guess what people want, and it will help me out with my time and work better for everyone, but saying all that strangely our culture does like to pretend that gifts are something so taboo to discuss!

I also feel the parents who want to have giftless parties. I tried that with my shower, I planned on a traditional shower with all that comes with that and then a seperate party for some of our friends to celebrate our last kidfree event. We told people no gifts on the invite (I didn't know that was also taboo), we tried to explain this was a hang out event not a shower. But so many people still got us gifts some even traced down our registries which we made no mention of. I was a little embarassed as we really didn't want things. But our friends made the choice. Sometimes its so hard to really let people off the hook from the culture expectations, even when you really want too.


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## RoundAbout (Aug 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
I don't mean to single you out since many of the others are expressing the same sentiment, but I have a question about the statement above. Why? Why should "no mention of gifts be made"? To me, it's disengenuous. It is a stupid circular game that just frustrates me. We all know that gifts are "expected" at certain types of parties. Why do we, as a society, all go around pretending its not true?


Look at it this way: rules of etiquette are there to spare hard feelings and to avoid offending. By mentioning gifts on the invite you might make people feel bad if they can't provide a gift. By putting registry information upfront you might make someone feel bad if they can't provide the quality of gift you would like.

I remember times as a child where I was sent to a friends birthday party with a homemade card and $2 inside because that's all we could afford to give. No one ever made me feel bad about it, but if registries and wish lists had been the norm back then we all would have been self-conscious about it and I probably would have stayed home more.

Registries used to exist only for newlyweds so that all of the plates and silverware matched, now they've become generic wish lists. That bugs me. If you are _hosting_ a party it should be about the party, not about the stuff. I also disagree that gifts are always expected. I would never expect gifts from anyone invited to my birthday parties and if I were invited to a party for a one-year old I might bring only a small token gift depending on how close I was to the child.

BTW, I think information about gift preferences should be disseminated, but just not through the invitation. People who care will ask about gifts. My family almost always coordinate heavily with me on gift giving to our son by I always wait until they ask.


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## RoundAbout (Aug 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
The true reason behind these rules, traditions and "things we just don't do" is to avoid social ackwardness.









I totally agree. I also find it quite liberating to follow the rules actually. It's so much easier than worrying about what every single person is going to think. I believe there are times to bend and break the rules, and sometimes its a little inconvenient (like returning and exchanging gifts) but I would rather spend an extra 30 minutes in the Target customer service line than makes a single one of my guests uncomfortable.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
The true reason behind these rules, traditions and "things we just don't do" is to avoid social ackwardness. We people all live around each other...and must interact. It is easier to do that when we have rules that help us to avoid embarassments of a social nature. I know that etiquette regardning proper place settings, invitations, etc can be a bit strenuous at times...but there are many much more simple interactions ruled by the laws of "what is polite" that we don't even think about anymore, they are so deeply ingrained in our social makeup. So...perhaps "out" with SOME of the old ideas....but really, I think that there is FAR more to be said for some sort of general idea about the way we should conduct ourselves socially, than for being able to ensure that your child gets exactly what s/he wants for his/her birthday.

But, these things _don't_ avoid social awkwardness. For one thing, formal etiquette is largely based on European customs (mostly English, I suspect). Both the US and Canada are largely multicultural societies, so one is frequently dealing with people who come from a different tradition and don't know the common rules. For another...how often do these threads pop up? And, it's not just about what my child would like for his/her birthday. As someone taking my child to a party, I'd _much_ rather have information on/enclosed with the invitation than have to call and ask. There's also the issue of it being poor etiquette to request "no gifts", because of the implied expectation of a gift expressed therein. Where is there going to be awkwardness if someone says "no gifts please", in the full _knowledge_ that people would otherwise bring a gift, no matter what we're expected to pretend otherwise?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Look at it this way: rules of etiquette are there to spare hard feelings and to avoid offending. By mentioning gifts on the invite you might make people feel bad if they can't provide a gift. By putting registry information upfront you might make someone feel bad if they can't provide the quality of gift you would like.

umm...I'd feel bad if I can't provide a gift, anyway. The female relative of mine who can't afford gifts apologizes _every_ time she's invited to a birthday party. That's the point - whatever the etiquette "rule" about mentioning gifts might say, there _is_ a cultural expectation that gifts will be presented at certain occasions.

Quote:

I remember times as a child where I was sent to a friends birthday party with a homemade card and $2 inside because that's all we could afford to give. No one ever made me feel bad about it, but if registries and wish lists had been the norm back then we all would have been self-conscious about it and I probably would have stayed home more.
Fair enough. I highly doubt I'd have felt any different. I know I had friends who told me what they wanted, and when mom took us out to buy a gift, the thing the friend had requested was _way_ too expensive. I don't see that as being any different, yk?

Quote:

Registries used to exist only for newlyweds so that all of the plates and silverware matched, now they've become generic wish lists. That bugs me. If you are _hosting_ a party it should be about the party, not about the stuff. I also disagree that gifts are always expected. I would never expect gifts from anyone invited to my birthday parties and if I were invited to a party for a one-year old I might bring only a small token gift depending on how close I was to the child.
If gifts aren't expected, then why would you bring a token gift at all?

As I said, there are two different connotations to "expected" in this area, and the fact that anyone would bring a token gift is just one more indicator that birthday gifts are, indeed, expected in a general sense. Would anyone be surprised if you called and asked what a birthday child wanted? Would anyone be surprised if you showed up at a birthday party with a wrapped present? Do _many_ people apologize or otherwise verbally acknowledge it if they show up without a gift? Why? Because, a gift is _expected_...not necessarily in the sense that the host/ess cares, but in the sense that bringing a gift is what's done.

Quote:

BTW, I think information about gift preferences should be disseminated, but just not through the invitation. People who care will ask about gifts.
Yes. I always asked. As an extremely busy about-to-be-single mom to a very popular little boy, I'd have _loved_ not to have to have bothered, to be honest. It would have been lovely to know as soon as we got the invitation, instead of having to play telephone tag with other busy parents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 







I totally agree. I also find it quite liberating to follow the rules actually. It's so much easier than worrying about what every single person is going to think. I believe there are times to bend and break the rules, and sometimes its a little inconvenient (like returning and exchanging gifts) but I would rather spend an extra 30 minutes in the Target customer service line than makes a single one of my guests uncomfortable.

I hate the rules...and I hate them more as a guest than I do as a host. I'd love it if people made me "uncomfortable" by including a wish list. So...everyone's different, and rules of etiquette do _not_ get rid of social awkwardness, miscommunication, etc.


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## RoundAbout (Aug 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 

If gifts aren't expected, then why would you bring a token gift at all?


I might not if I didn't have time, but its something of a habit. The same way I usually bring a bottle of wine when invited to dinner with friends even though its not expected (and even if they have come to expect it, I wouldn't appreciate being sent a list of acceptable wine brands along with the dinner party invite).

I also have to say I think there is something lost with this type of giving - namely the element of surprise. Some of the most wonderful gifts I/my son have received have been things I would have never thought of myself. I think being open to possibilities (even if it means the occasional junky toy) is infinitely better than having parents trying to dictate everything from the ground up.


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

I think that would be quite impolite. A birthday invitation should be about gathering friends and family together to celebrate a big milstone in your (and your LO's) life. It isn't about "fishing" for gifts. No one should feel obligated to supply a present (let alone the _right_ present) when attending a party. If you are in _need_ of a particular something, speak privately to a close friend or family member. Otherwise, graciously accept what others choose for you. It is no one's duty but your own to supply your child with _certain_ clothing and toys.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

The time to send people to the list/registry/whatever is when they RSVP.

I RSVP like: Oh thanks for inviting us! Noah is so excited. Is there anything special that L. would like?

That's the invitation, so to speak, for the parent to barrage me with their Gift Requirements.

Otherwise yes, I think it's tacky. I also to be honest think there is so much drama over gifts and the earlier you can let go of the idea that it is your job as a parent to police other people's _behaviour_ (you certainly can remove inappropriate gifts later) the less stressful it will be for you.


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## camera_mama (Jun 4, 2009)

I wouldn't do it. I don't mind gift registries, but it feels like a gift grab when you create a registry for your kid's birthday.

My cousin always writes shoe/clothing sizes on invitations, along with things that the kids are interested in, but only on invitations sent to immediate family. I personally love that she does this, because I will most likely end up calling anyway to ask what to get her kids! But outside of really close family, I would never do something like that.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

If I was sending it to my inlaws and other family members than sure I would. Would save me from answering the 100 "what do you need" e-mails. But ONLY to family.
If I was sending to friends/acquaintances than no I wouldn't. I think its in bad taste. Honestly I don't expect people to bring gifts to birthday get-togethers. If they do, great. If they don't, great. Im just happy they are there.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
(and even if they have come to expect it, I wouldn't appreciate being sent a list of acceptable wine brands along with the dinner party invite).

hmm...going to have to think about this, because it feels different to me, but I'm not sure _why_.

Quote:

I also have to say I think there is something lost with this type of giving - namely the element of surprise. Some of the most wonderful gifts I/my son have received have been things I would have never thought of myself. I think being open to possibilities (even if it means the occasional junky toy) is infinitely better than having parents trying to dictate everything from the ground up.
Maybe that's part of it. My family uses wish lists extensively at Christmas and such...but people are always free to buy "off list" and the lists aren't an attempt to dictate anything. They're for guidance.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 
I find it tacky. You're inviting these people because you want to celebrate this special day - by including the wishlist in the invitation you're putting an emphasis on the presents and not the presence.









yep this exactly and yes I think its tacky


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

I also wanted to add that not too many people can afford upscale stuff right now either so its tacky in reguards to not knowing peoples financial situation too IMO. I think if I were that worried about what my child recieved I might just throw a book party I always liked that idea and think its extremely budget appropriate and nice to recieve books. Kids dont need that many toys anyway and if you want them to have the good stuff then IMO its your responsibility to foot the bill for them.


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## Oonah (Jul 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
I also wanted to add that not too many people can afford upscale stuff right now either so its tacky in reguards to not knowing peoples financial situation too IMO. I think if I were that worried about what my child recieved *I might just throw a book party I always liked that idea and think its extremely budget appropriate and nice to recieve books.* Kids dont need that many toys anyway and if you want them to have the good stuff then IMO its your responsibility to foot the bill for them.









How is asking people to bring a book different than asking them to bring something from a wishlist or registry? You're telling them you expect them to bring something and you're telling them what to bring.
I love the _idea_ of the book party but it has always felt too much like a registry or wishlist party. Am I alone in that?


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oonah* 
How is asking people to bring a book different than asking them to bring something from a wishlist or registry? You're telling them you expect them to bring something and you're telling them what to bring.
I love the _idea_ of the book party but it has always felt too much like a registry or wishlist party. Am I alone in that?

It would be a "theme" like a book party but any other gifts would be accepted obviously noone would directly say you have to but thats the theme only! now writing a list of what books I expected someone to give would be tacky like we only want hardback dr suess or caldacott winners those things are pricey in major bookstores too! Its not a demand just a theme like spongebob or something similar and you arent darned if you buy the kid a toy its just a book themed party period! you dont have to bring a book specifically in an invitation but I was refering to actual finance issues when I said that and books esp paperbacks are cheap natural toys generally arent cheap! actually we have had a book party before and a book baby shower! way cheaper for people and my kids still recieved toys and they were graciously accepted. Noone said in the invitation it had to be a book or what book just that it was a book party its optional and its personal esp if the person writes a message in a book to your child...it goes way beyond toys period.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oonah* 
How is asking people to bring a book different than asking them to bring something from a wishlist or registry? You're telling them you expect them to bring something and you're telling them what to bring.
I love the _idea_ of the book party but it has always felt too much like a registry or wishlist party. Am I alone in that?

No, I agree with this too. I think a book shower for a new baby is a wonderful idea, as a *shower*. But as a child's birthday party theme, it really seems rude to me to dictate that a gift shall be brought (or not brought) and what the gift shall be (or must not be).

In my family we have people in every economic situation. My MIL shops all year at thrift sales for gifts for her grandkids and other people. She often has small gifts tucked away months in advance. An invitation implying that the gift she planned for someone isn't quite what the hostess had in mind makes her feel like, "well, should I go out and buy a different gift or should I bring the gift I picked up a few months ago?" It takes a gesture of true thoughtfulness-- thinking about someone special all year and keeping your eyes peeled for that just right and also affordable birthday gift (she is a real sweetie)-- and turns it into second-guessing whether the gesture will be appreciated of even welcome. I know because she spent last winter knitting a dinosaur blanket for her grandson's birthday, and the party invitation stated that he needed/wanted a long list of items, leading her to fret a bit about whether to buy off the list as well as give the blanket.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprons_and_acorns* 
No, I agree with this too. I think a book shower for a new baby is a wonderful idea, as a *shower*. But as a child's birthday party theme, it really seems rude to me to dictate that a gift shall be brought (or not brought) and what the gift shall be (or must not be).

In my family we have people in every economic situation. My MIL shops all year at thrift sales for gifts for her grandkids and other people. She often has small gifts tucked away months in advance. An invitation implying that the gift she planned for someone isn't quite what the hostess had in mind makes her feel like, "well, should I go out and buy a different gift or should I bring the gift I picked up a few months ago?" It takes a gesture of true thoughtfulness-- thinking about someone special all year and keeping your eyes peeled for that just right and also affordable birthday gift (she is a real sweetie)-- and turns it into second-guessing whether the gesture will be appreciated of even welcome. I know because she spent last winter knitting a dinosaur blanket for her grandson's birthday, and the party invitation stated that he needed/wanted a long list of items, leading her to fret a bit about whether to buy off the list as well as give the blanket.

Its not a dictation its a theme and there is a difference. I am sorry if this comes off rude that wasn't my intention but I am trying to explain this so bear with me lol! There was ABSOLUTELY NO DICTATION!!! again none! there was no list! It's a book party,? yes but books are optional other gifts welcome and other gifts did come like clothing etc and that was great! like ok the cake was a book, we read a favorite book asked people their favorite books and if they wanted to to bring them it was not a list of bring this book and you must bring a book because we dont want something else it wasnt like that or what you are implying at all! apples to oranges imo. I also had to add that I dont get how a theme is rude either for that matter... It is no different than spongebob,ladybugs,butterflies or fairies! a theme doesnt hold anyone to the standards of buying a gift that is exactly to the theme in no way shape or form. If you held a dress up party that wouldnt mean that you would have to get that as a gift for your child, could it be an indirect way of telling someone what your kid likes sure, but isnt that a point with a theme to do it about something the person likes anyway? I dont get it lol...


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
Its not a dictation its a theme







:, .

Sorry to make you mad. I see what you mean, a book theme is different from the parties where they ask you to bring the birthday child a book as a gift.

ETA: I see what happened now. I didn't read your last post before I replied to what Oonah said. Sorry!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprons_and_acorns* 
Sorry to make you mad. I see what you mean, a book theme is different from the parties where they ask you to bring the birthday child a book as a gift.

ETA: I see what happened now. I didn't read your last post before I replied to what Oonah said. Sorry!


It's ok no worries I wasnt mad at you, I was just irritated that it was misunderstood. It was hard to explain but its meant to be an intimate personal party which I should have clarified at first its supposed to be fun and get guests interacting like a dressup party. I am partly to blame because I didnt clarify. Its water under the bridge (oops LOL) as far as I am concerned


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
I am not having a birthday party for my son this year because I feel it is impossibly for me to have the party I want. I want his friends to come over and sing happy birthday and have cake. I don't want a bunch of crappy dollar store gifts. I don't want to give out stupid grab bags. And since I am not allowed by etiquette to explain that in a party invite, I am just not having a party.

Not to be rude, because I do understand the whole invitation quandary thing, but why not rethink the party? It makes no sense to me to withhold a birthday party from your child because he won't get the gifts YOU want.

What about the sheer delight children get from having their friends over, eating cake and knowing that the party is for them? Sure, oftentimes junk toys are involved, but they are just that: Junk. They break. Throw 'em out! The batteries die. Throw 'em out! Or donate them to charity later....it's not like you wasted any money on them.

But the memory that will last in his mind will be the party, not the gifts. I'd hate to tell my kiddo later that he didn't get a party because I didn't think people would give him what I wanted or do things my way....cuz it's not about ME.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sancta* 
Not to be rude, because I do understand the whole invitation quandary thing, but why not rethink the party? It makes no sense to me to withhold a birthday party from your child because he won't get the gifts YOU want.

What about the sheer delight children get from having their friends over, eating cake and knowing that the party is for them? Sure, oftentimes junk toys are involved, but they are just that: Junk. They break. Throw 'em out! The batteries die. Throw 'em out! Or donate them to charity later....it's not like you wasted any money on them.

But the memory that will last in his mind will be the party, not the gifts. I'd hate to tell my kiddo later that he didn't get a party because I didn't think people would give him what I wanted or do things my way....cuz it's not about ME.

Now this I like and totally agree with







! Parties are much more than toys for sure!


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sancta* 
Not to be rude, because I do understand the whole invitation quandary thing, but why not rethink the party? It makes no sense to me to withhold a birthday party from your child because he won't get the gifts YOU want.

We have small, family parties every year. We do not have "full" birthday parties every year where we invite friends. We didn't do that in my family. Maybe I would change the family tradition and do it every year if kids' birthday parties weren't so crazy. My son is actually in a peer class of kids who are better off financially than us. He gets invited to numerous parties that are obviously $300 affairs...

This is not about getting the gifts I want. It's about the fact that I hate that the emphasis is on THINGS. I don't want stuff for stuff's sake. I don't want my kids to develop a mindset like that either. My husband and I don't even buy eachother gifts on special occasions. I just want a party with no gifts because I want the basis to be fun and play not navigating expectations.

The actual reason I posted though was because I wanted people to examine why they are saying no, this is tacky. Do you say it because it "breaks the rules" or because you truly believe it is inconsiderate of other people? It's fine if you think it is truly rude but I don't. And I suspect that a lot of people who would never go against etiquette or who are offended by breaches of etiquette are actually thinking "I don't want people to think I am ignorant of the rules." or "The people who sent this are so ignorant." That type of thoughtless following of etiquette is about style, not consideration.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I wouldn't do it. Nope. My children have never been disappointed with any gifts they have gotten from family and friends over the years. They always enjoy the party the most anyway. IMO, gifts are optional on the guests part.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
This is not about getting the gifts I want. It's about the fact that I hate that the emphasis is on THINGS. I don't want stuff for stuff's sake. I don't want my kids to develop a mindset like that either. My husband and I don't even buy eachother gifts on special occasions. I just want a party with no gifts because I want the basis to be fun and play not navigating expectations.

The actual reason I posted though was because I wanted people to examine why they are saying no, this is tacky. Do you say it because it "breaks the rules" or because you truly believe it is inconsiderate of other people? It's fine if you think it is truly rude but I don't. And I suspect that a lot of people who would never go against etiquette or who are offended by breaches of etiquette are actually thinking "I don't want people to think I am ignorant of the rules." or "The people who sent this are so ignorant." That type of thoughtless following of etiquette is about style, not consideration.

Well the question is about tackiness, not about whether it's morally reprehensible. I do think it's tacky. I don't think it would be the end of the world. You know?

What I don't get about your approach to the party is that in fact you have made the "things" the emphasis - to the point that you won't even have a party because things might appear. That's fine but - wow.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 

*I am not having a birthday party for my son this year because I feel it is impossibly for me to have the party I want.* I want his friends to come over and sing happy birthday and have cake. I don't want a bunch of crappy dollar store gifts. I don't want to give out stupid grab bags. And since I am not allowed by etiquette to explain that in a party invite, I am just not having a party. I thought about just having a summer party and surprising everyone with his birthday cake. However, I think his preschool classmates (and their parent/s) wouldn't come to a Labor Day party when they would otherwise come to a birthday party.

The other problem I have is the fact that I am not "allowed" to say "no gifts please" on invitations. My relatives read too much into an invitation. I live far away from them but I would like to send them invites because it is possible that a few of them could travel for a party. However, some of my siblings would get the invite and say, "She knows I can't travel that far and she is just sending me an invite because she is fishing for a gift." Sigh. I have to call them, ask each of them if there is any possibility they can come and then send an invite. I feel like I need permission to send them an invitation.

Why can't we just all be honest with eachother?!

The party you want? Or the party your son wants? I have a feeling that even if you don't get "your" party, your son would still be happy with whatever he ended up with.

And I love what a PP put in an invite - something like, "Your presence is presents enough." I think that's a great idea, and chances are, the guest will bring a gift anyway.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Look at it this way: rules of etiquette are there to spare hard feelings and to avoid offending. *By mentioning gifts on the invite you might make people feel bad if they can't provide a gift. By putting registry information upfront you might make someone feel bad if they can't provide the quality of gift you would like.*

I remember times as a child where I was sent to a friends birthday party with a homemade card and $2 inside because that's all we could afford to give. No one ever made me feel bad about it, but if registries and wish lists had been the norm back then we all would have been self-conscious about it and I probably would have stayed home more.

Registries used to exist only for newlyweds so that all of the plates and silverware matched, now they've become generic wish lists. That bugs me. If you are _hosting_ a party it should be about the party, not about the stuff. I also disagree that gifts are always expected. I would never expect gifts from anyone invited to my birthday parties and if I were invited to a party for a one-year old I might bring only a small token gift depending on how close I was to the child.

BTW, I think information about gift preferences should be disseminated, but just not through the invitation. People who care will ask about gifts. My family almost always coordinate heavily with me on gift giving to our son by I always wait until they ask.

Yes. A registry, especially for a b-day party, says that X, Y, and Z gifts are okay, and anything else is not (imo, anyway). Some of the most treasured gifts my kids have ever received were homemade gifts. Knitted blankets, hats, scarves - things that they have had for years and still have and treasure. Things that cannot go on a registry.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthie's momma* 
I think that would be quite impolite. A birthday invitation should be about gathering friends and family together to celebrate a big milstone in your (and your LO's) life. It isn't about "fishing" for gifts. No one should feel obligated to supply a present (let alone the _right_ present) when attending a party. If you are in _need_ of a particular something, speak privately to a close friend or family member. *Otherwise, graciously accept what others choose for you. It is no one's duty but your own to supply your child with certain clothing and toys*.

Yes. I agree.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sancta* 
Not to be rude, because I do understand the whole invitation quandary thing, but why not rethink the party? *It makes no sense to me to withhold a birthday party from your child because he won't get the gifts YOU want.*

What about the sheer delight children get from having their friends over, eating cake and knowing that the party is for them? Sure, oftentimes junk toys are involved, but they are just that: Junk. They break. Throw 'em out! The batteries die. Throw 'em out! Or donate them to charity later....it's not like you wasted any money on them.

But the memory that will last in his mind will be the party, not the gifts. I'd hate to tell my kiddo later that he didn't get a party because I didn't think people would give him what I wanted or do things my way....cuz it's not about ME.

I agree. I remember every _party_ I ever had as a child. I remember my guests, the games, the cake, the fun, the love - but for the life of me, I can't remember the gifts, lol. In the end, the gifts don't matter. The memories of the party, however, are priceless.


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
Well the question is about tackiness, not about whether it's morally reprehensible. I do think it's tacky. I don't think it would be the end of the world. You know?

What I don't get about your approach to the party is that in fact you have made the "things" the emphasis - to the point that you won't even have a party because things might appear. That's fine but - wow.

Maybe you misunderstand. I am not cancelling all celebration. I am just not having a "standard" party. This is the type of party that has only become "standard" in recent years. The type of party where there has to be a theme, there are planned activities and the kids get grab bags, etc. or there is a destination and we pay for a party space at a gym or the children's museum or whatnot. When I was young, we had parties with no theme and the kids came over to play unstructured. That's it, and we had cake. We are having this type of party-with 6 guests, 4 of whom are our nuclear family. There are several reasons I am not having the "standard" theme party. This etiquette thing is just one of them. I can not have a party where I can live up to what's expected so I am not doing that type of party. And what's expected in my kids' circle of friends is this big grand theme. The kids will expect grab bags. My son will expect to have a party as cool as his friend Connor's...

I am teaching my son that you don't get a big party every year. Every other year or every 3 years you get one. And on the odd years you get a small family party.

And about the original question. I guess you're right. In our culture, it is seen as tacky. I wish I wouldn't be judged as crude, or tasteless if I did it, however. I would wish that people would assume the best about me, that I know about the "rules" and that I prefer to be straightforward and think, in this case, it is beneficial to break with tradition. In an alternative universe, it could be seen as considerate to provide guests with helpful information on choosing a gift. We should all agree that when you receive an invite, you expect to buy a gift. I don't see anything wrong with me, as the invitee, acknowledging that. [/B]This is not about fishing for gifts. This is about style.[/B]

In the end, I do follow etiquette. I find it to be a bit of a curse though. I just can't stop myself.

p.s. I don't want gifts. I don't care about receiving gifts. I get much more pleasure at gift giving. And, of course, I would graciously receive any gift given and I will teach my children to, too. I know people that think of these events as some type of bartering system. Like, I spent $30 a plate for this wedding. I should receive a gift worth at least $30. That astounds me. I want my kids to grow up to have the same values as me. Eventually, I hope they don't expect gifts.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
Maybe you misunderstand. I am not cancelling all celebration. I am just not having a "standard" party. This is the type of party that has only become "standard" in recent years. The type of party where there has to be a theme, there are planned activities and the kids get grab bags, etc. or there is a destination and we pay for a party space at a gym or the children's museum or whatnot. When I was young, we had parties with no theme and the kids came over to play unstructured. That's it, and we had cake. We are having this type of party-with 6 guests, 4 of whom are our nuclear family. There are several reasons I am not having the "standard" theme party. This etiquette thing is just one of them. I can not have a party where I can live up to what's expected so I am not doing that type of party. And what's expected in my kids' circle of friends is this big grand theme. The kids will expect grab bags. My son will expect to have a party as cool as his friend Connor's...

I did misunderstand you.







I think that sounds like fun.

We're just finished planning my son's party and it's sort of a hybrid - we are inviting 6 kids, and calling it a 'pirate party' which means it will be on a beach with a few games, snacks and a cake. For me it helps to have a theme just for ideas.

I don't feel much pressure about it even though we've been to some elaborate ones. It helps that my son's turning 4 I think.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
Maybe you misunderstand. I am not cancelling all celebration. I am just not having a "standard" party. This is the type of party that has only become "standard" in recent years. The type of party where there has to be a theme, there are planned activities and the kids get grab bags, etc. or there is a destination and we pay for a party space at a gym or the children's museum or whatnot.

If that kind of party is the norm where you are, then I agree with you. I would definintely NOT EVER do the themed party/grab bag thing either.

Around here, a birthday party is just this: *" When I was young, we had parties with no theme and the kids came over to play unstructured. That's it, and we had cake."*

That's all we do, all my kids have ever been to, and I agree that it's a much more pleasant experience. No expectations of the guests or the hosts.









So, thanks for the clarification.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Tacky. Can't compare it to a wedding registry IMO b/c of the intent--a young couple (presumably) needs to be outfitted for their new married life. Baby shower=items for new baby. But a birthday party? The point isn't gifts, it's a celebration of life, etc., time to be w/ friends and family, games, cake and balloons, etc.

My brother always has an Amazon wish list that he distributes (unasked







) and gets offended if you don't buy off it. I do it since it's a big deal to him, but it seems so stupid to me. Why not just send him a check? Or even better, we can pass the same $20 bill back and forth.









I think almost all celebrations have now been co-opted by Big Buisness. It wasn't even until the last century that people even GAVE gifts at b'day parties. Now it's gimme gimme gimme. (Not you, OP or other posters, children's parties we've been to).

Check out the Birthdays Without Pressure website. http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/

For Heaven's sake, let's all fight against letting BabiesRUs et al dictate our attitudes towards celebrations!


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## joyfulgrrrl (Jun 8, 2006)

Super-major etiquette breach where I live, but I'm Canadian, and I don't know what the practice is in your area. Never done here, and when it is done, I make a point of purchasing a charitable donation or some such thing similar instead.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
<snip>

My brother always has an Amazon wish list that he distributes (unasked







) and gets offended if you don't buy off it. I do it since it's a big deal to him, but it seems so stupid to me. Why not just send him a check? Or even better, we can pass the same $20 bill back and forth.









<snip>

Oh my goodness...I cannot imagine anything more awful!!! How OLD is he??? Someone should really have a stern talk with him...that is truly atrocious behavior...somewhat forgivable if he's a child...but completely out of control if he is an adult.







:


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
This etiquette thing is just one of them. I can not have a party where I can live up to what's expected so I am not doing that type of party. And what's expected in my kids' circle of friends is this big grand theme. The kids will expect grab bags. My son will expect to have a party as cool as his friend Connor's...

I am teaching my son that you don't get a big party every year. Every other year or every 3 years you get one. And on the odd years you get a small family party.

I want my kids to grow up to have the same values as me. Eventually, I hope they don't expect gifts.

Hi there, I copied parts of your response above and this may take the conversation in a whole different direction, but there were many things I found interesting about what you say above and because I can relate to wanting my kids to have the same values as me when they grow up I just had to post and say... most of us WANT our kids to have the same values, but because each child is an individual, be very careful of *expecting* that they will. To me, that's just a set up for disappointment, because at some point they probably will do things majorly differently and as parents we gotta be able to manage that, still love them, and figure out how to balance our values with how their values develop.

Don't get me wrong, if I lived where you do and kids had extravagant parties all the time, I'd also want my child to understand that that is NOT an entitlement and I'd go out of my way to do different kinds of cool parties that are more accessible to more families. That's how I was raised, and even if I am able to afford something ritzy that is not what I'd want to do. I fully expect to have a Christmas tradition with my DD and DH where no matter what we buy each other, we always make one gift for each other every year. I have a feeling those gifts will last and be worth more as time goes on than any purchased gift ever could.

Not to ramble, but I had to cheer you on with your efforts to have your kids develop your values, but please be ready for some things not to go as planned!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
Tacky. Can't compare it to a wedding registry IMO b/c of the intent--a young couple (presumably) needs to be outfitted for their new married life. Baby shower=items for new baby. But a birthday party? The point isn't gifts, it's a celebration of life, etc., time to be w/ friends and family, games, cake and balloons, etc.

My brother always has an Amazon wish list that he distributes (unasked







) and gets offended if you don't buy off it. I do it since it's a big deal to him, but it seems so stupid to me. Why not just send him a check? Or even better, we can pass the same $20 bill back and forth.









I think almost all celebrations have now been co-opted by Big Buisness. It wasn't even until the last century that people even GAVE gifts at b'day parties. Now it's gimme gimme gimme. (Not you, OP or other posters, children's parties we've been to).

Check out the Birthdays Without Pressure website. http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/

For Heaven's sake, let's all fight against letting BabiesRUs et al dictate our attitudes towards celebrations!


lol @ your brother that is pretty messed up but its also funny to me for some reason maybe because its so ridiculous I dunno lol. I myself however like the idea of gifts at a party because I like to give gifts! I really do like to give gifts because I have given some really cool ones that I put a lot of heart into so I dont think there is anything wrong with giving gifts at all. I think expecting gifts is where things go wrong. If my kids didnt get anything from anyone I wouldnt be unhappy. I'm mostly unhappy when someone doesnt show up to the party to be with us but that happens to us a lot because we are military and do not live near family. We always tell people they dont have to get a gift but we would like them to show up if they can because that is what is important to us plus it makes it easier so we know how much food to have lol.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
Why can't we just all be honest with eachother?!

I really feel ya on this. In my family I could totally tell them I was registering or not and tell them I was wanting gifts or not and they would just go with it because it's easiest in their collecitve opinions to ust be told what to do and I actually like that aspecgt about them all.
I feel like I am lucky in that my relationships with friends are such that I could also be upfront with them about what we wanted in these regards as well.
But it seems like for the most part this is not the case for people and I am just not into it.
Of course people don't want to come to a party sans gift, do they? That, to me seems un-fun. And un-fun for the kiddos, I mean gifts don't have to be fancy or anything, but it's fun to gift birthday kids isn't it? I personally love gifts and while I don't always buy of off people's registry it's not because I don't like them, but rather because I prefer to make things for people and I have always been met with lots of happiness over it. And no one was mad I didn't use the registry, ever. I was never mad that they offered one up. It's handy for people who don' like to shop or think about gifts.

I just think it is so much easier if people would stop being so easily offended about the whole birthday party thing! what a hot mess!
And this is not in regards to any one persons post, its just the whole birthday thing in general.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
I also wanted to add that not too many people can afford upscale stuff right now either so its tacky in reguards to not knowing peoples financial situation too IMO.

To me this is exactly why it might actually be a good idea to include a list or registry of some sort. People won't waste money on something you are going to just give away or not enjoy but keep because they might come over and see its missing.....etc.

I guess ultimately it ust depends on your upbringing, family, friends and what _you_ think it ok.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

You know, I love giving gifts. I love shopping for birthday parties, and it excites me to give presents. Heck, when I buy presents for my family, I have to sit on my hands to keep from giving them their gifts early.









The registry takes the excitement and the anticipation out of gift giving for me. Now, if I ask the host for suggestions, fine. And I do ask - a lot - especially if I have no idea what to get. But many times, I know exactly what I want to buy for the child, and subsequently, my daughter and I are on the hunt for that perfect gift.

But what if that perfect gift weren't on the registry? Honestly, that would take the fun out of the whole for us, and for us, buying gifts is as much for the giver as it is for the recipient.

And why can't we just be honest? Because sometimes being honest unnecessarily offends people. When I ask my husband if I look fat in those jeans, so you really think I want him to say, "Yes, sweetie, you are looking rather bovine this evening?"


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joyfulgrrrl* 
Super-major etiquette breach where I live, but I'm Canadian, and I don't know what the practice is in your area. Never done here, and when it is done, I make a point of purchasing a charitable donation or some such thing similar instead.

And you do this to people you genuinely like? I mean to me it seems almost vindictive to say, "you did this totally tacky socially inappropriate thing and so I am going to boycott it because you must have been implying something really RUDE by sending me this list of stuff you want and I'm not going to buy into it and instead am going to show you whats what...."
Who needs friends like that?


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## gini1313 (Jul 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
Maybe you misunderstand. I am not cancelling all celebration. I am just not having a "standard" party. This is the type of party that has only become "standard" in recent years. The type of party where there has to be a theme, there are planned activities and the kids get grab bags, etc. or there is a destination and we pay for a party space at a gym or the children's museum or whatnot. When I was young, we had parties with no theme and the kids came over to play unstructured. That's it, and we had cake. .

Maybe you are creating these expectations in your head... My son has been invited to lots of themed parties, parties at expensive places, etc. We have never, and never will, do that. We just had a BBQ with his friends and their families. People came over, the kids played in the backyard (water play, bubbles, swingset, and just in the woods), parents hung out and bbqed, had lunch, etc. People did bring presents, but nothing big or expensive. Everyone had a great time. I had gotten bubbles (50 cents each bottle, btw) for a party favor, but completely forgot to give them out and no one was offended (at least as far as I can tell) about no favors...

When I go to the big, themed, expensive parties, the kids have fun, but not more fun than at our bbq (although I have to admit, a bbq isn't cheap, it is what we like to do), I don't think. And when I go, I buy a present, but I don't spend anymore than what I can afford to spend (which is usually $10ish). Maybe the people who are having those parties would love to have a simple party, but don't have the house to entertain in (my sister, for example, has the money for a party like that, but since she works alot, her house is usually too messy and she doesn't have the time to get things ready to host a party there... she doesn't judge others for not doing one like that, it is just what she is comfortable hosting). People have those parties for all types of reasons besides wanting to keep up with the Joneses...

I am sure your son and his friends would love to have the type of party you want to have... Maybe you should try it, and who knows... others may follow suit.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
You know, I love giving gifts. I love shopping for birthday parties, and it excites me to give presents. Heck, when I buy presents for my family, I have to sit on my hands to keep from giving them their gifts early.









The registry takes the excitement and the anticipation out of gift giving for me. Now, if I ask the host for suggestions, fine. And I do ask - a lot - especially if I have no idea what to get. But many times, I know exactly what I want to buy for the child, and subsequently, my daughter and I are on the hunt for that perfect gift.

But what if that perfect gift weren't on the registry? Honestly, that would take the fun out of the whole for us, and for us, buying gifts is as much for the giver as it is for the recipient.

See...it really depends on the people involved. This isn't an issue for any of the people I know who use wish lists. The list is a guide, not an instruction book. If I were dealing with people like the pp's brother, who gets mad if people buy him something that's not on his list, then I wouldn't shop for them at all. If I have a perfect gift in mind for someone, or I see something that I'm sure such-and-such person would love, then I buy it. It doesn't have to be on the list. I didn't even have a registry either time I got married (never thought of it the first time, and needed _everything_, anyway - and when I married dh, there just wasn't time)....but if I had, I'd have still loved the ceramic figures a friend painted, and the handmade afghan from my nana just as much.

Quote:

And why can't we just be honest? Because sometimes being honest unnecessarily offends people. When I ask my husband if I look fat in those jeans, so you really think I want him to say, "Yes, sweetie, you are looking rather bovine this evening?"








umm...I would never ask if these jeans make me look fat, because I'd only be asking if I actually wanted to know. Why ask a question you don't want an answer for? (In my case, the fact that I'm fat makes me look fat, so it's a null question, yk?)


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
See...it really depends on the people involved. This isn't an issue for any of the people I know who use wish lists. The list is a guide, not an instruction book. If I were dealing with people like the pp's brother, who gets mad if people buy him something that's not on his list, then I wouldn't shop for them at all. If I have a perfect gift in mind for someone, or I see something that I'm sure such-and-such person would love, then I buy it. It doesn't have to be on the list. I didn't even have a registry either time I got married (never thought of it the first time, and needed _everything_, anyway - and when I married dh, there just wasn't time)....but if I had, I'd have still loved the ceramic figures a friend painted, and the handmade afghan from my nana just as much.

*LOL. Same discussion - different thread. And in a way, I agree. But I am the kind of person who is going to feel self-conscious if I get a list for a 1 y/o's party and want to make an afghan. To me, a list for someone that age, screams "Buy something off of meeeeeee!!!!!" And I didn't register when I got married either. I also didn't register when I was preggo with Jordan - until I was dragged to the store by my friends. Something about the whole "give meeeeee gifts" thing just pokes me the wrong way - kind of like a bad Facebook friend, yanno?*

umm...I would never ask if these jeans make me look fat, because I'd only be asking if I actually wanted to know. Why ask a question you don't want an answer for? (In my case, the fact that I'm fat makes me look fat, so it's a null question, yk?)

*Yeah, well, it's a loaded question. The asker wants an answer, but it has to be the right answer.







*

.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I am not crazy about a gift registry, or people telling me what to buy. I get that it's convenient and it's what you want, but honestly, I just don't like it and I feel like it subtly swings the gift from _a gift_ to an obligation.

As far as throwing birthday parties--I do big themed ones, and we have a blast. I love throwing parties. I don't do grab bags, or big favors--this year we did flower shaped cookies on lollipop sticks and wrapped them up with saran and a bow. We baked and decorated them ourselves and it was awesome. I don't know that I'd ever feel obligated to do anything though--I think the kids just like coming over and having cake and seeing my DD's room and running around.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I do goodie bags - started them when ds1 was in kindergarten, because "everyone was doing it" and it was a big deal to ds1. I never quite stopped, even though I keep thinking I will. But, that's it. A birthday party to me is having a bunch of kids come over and eat cake (and hot dogs







) and run around. DS1's favourite party ever was the one where we had "balloon heaven", which is what ds1 called it when I dumped about 50 inflated balloons on the living room floor, and the kids kicked them around and hid under them and stuff. I think our only "theme" party was a Harry Potter party at this place called "Enchanted Dreams". (They were mostly a shop for fairy-related stuff, but did Harry Potter parties with robes and House buttons and "Quidditch" tabletop games, and the kids made a wand to bring home. DS1's cake for that one was a wizard's hat.) Oh - and one year, ds1 decided to take a bunch of friends to see Sharks: 3D at the IMAX. I walked around outside with dd1, while dh supervised, because sharks in 3D is not my idea of fun.

Mostly, I keep it simple. I'm glad my kids all have spring/summer birthdays, so outside parties are feasible, but we'd run around inside, too.


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
Check out the Birthdays Without Pressure website. http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/










Thank you! I have been looking for this link!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
Check out the Birthdays Without Pressure website. http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/

Ugh. Some of the examples on that page actually made me feel queasy. Two hours to open presents for a _one year old_?? A _cougar_?? WTF??

I truly feel ill. You know...my kids and their guests really seem to enjoy playing in my mom's yard, and wrestling with my oldest, and getting 4-6 presents total...


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## alicia622 (May 8, 2005)

I agree- don't include it.

DS liked Shrek too- he used to see Shrek and yell out 'Daddy!!!'


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
We have small, family parties every year. We do not have "full" birthday parties every year where we invite friends. We didn't do that in my family. Maybe I would change the family tradition and do it every year if kids' birthday parties weren't so crazy. My son is actually in a peer class of kids who are better off financially than us. He gets invited to numerous parties that are obviously $300 affairs...
.

Of course you can have the kind of party you want, regardless of what the people around you do. I live in a fairly affluent area, and we get invited to plenty of over-the-top parties (themes, rented moon bounces, stuff like that). We invited 5 or 6 kids plus their parents and my SIL and BIL to our house for simple food (fruit salad, homemade cupcakes) and hanging out. There was no theme--the only thing we got specifically for the party was some 99-cent bubbles for the kids to play with on the porch. Other than that, they just played with dd's toys. We (politely) asked for no presents on the invites, but we were very gracious toward the couple of guests who did bring something. Everyone had fun, kids and adults alike. No one pooh-poohed the party because we didn't have a moon bounce or a magician. The options aren't "family only or do what everyone else does" (although I think family only parties can be quite nice, too)--you can make your own middle ground.

At the same time, I really don't see anything wrong with the expensive parties if the family can afford it and the kid has fun. I don't think it's my place to tell anyone else how to spend their money--dd had fun with her 99-cent bubbles, but I'm sure the kid with the moon bounce had a darn good time at his party, too (and dd sure did!). My parents are pretty well off and threw some rather extravagant parties for me as a kid--not because they wanted to show off, but because they found things they thought I would really enjoy and would make the day special. It didn't turn me into a spoiled, gift-grubbing brat and didn't make me feel like "simpler" parties at my friends' houses were any less fun.

To the OP: Don't include the registry on the invite. Spread the word to people only when they ask. Donate or learn to live with any gifts you don't like.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

I just sent out our first birthday invites as well. I simply wrote on the back: "Maeleigh enjoys natural toys made of wood or cloth. Check out our website for details!" and then our website says: "Maeleigh's first birthday is just around the corner! So we've put together a list of places you can go if you feel compelled to get her a birthday present

Maeleigh loves natural wooden and cloth toys. Below is a list of several online stores that sell such products:

* http://www.oompa.com/
* http://www.moolka.com/jzv/nav/main?o...FcZM5QodkUPhLA
* http://www.downtoearthtoys.com/
* http://www.willowtreetoys.com/
* http://stores.planethappytoys.com/index.html
* http://www.playstoretoys.com/
* http://www.novanatural.com/

And for those who would prefer to go to a store, there is a wonderful shop in downtown West Chester. Rose and Bobbi's Unique Boutique is located at 101 West Gay St. They don't have a website but they are super nice people and only carry wooden and classic toys.

Thank you for honouring our wishes to keep plastics away from Maeleigh. We greatly appreciate any gift you choose to give. And please feel free to copy our list (or even add to it) for your own purposes."

So you could do something as simple as what our invites say or something as detailed as our website. (And yes, I included all those sites in case you are looking for some places to send to people for gifts







)

Good Luck!!


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

We ask that people bring no gifts. Until they get old enough to figure it out people bring presents to parties, my son was 5 before this happened.

If you want people to buy stuff for your little one I would not recommend directing their buying. If someone calls and asks, that's great and you can direct them. But to direct them before they buy is a little much in my opinion.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
If you want people to buy stuff for your little one I would not recommend directing their buying. If someone calls and asks, that's great and you can direct them. But to direct them before they buy is a little much in my opinion.

I do agree with this statement. That's why I put the "if you feel compelled to get a gift" line in there. And I understand that people like the thrill of gift buying, which is why I also didn't do a registry but gave places people can go. My problem is that everyone will get plastic toys and then I'll have to deal with the returns, which is a lot of headache for me since I will only get store credit to stores that don't sell anything I would get her, except for clothes (which I primarily buy used or on super sale) and some cleaning products or dvds, neither of which have anything to do with my daughter.

And yes, I have told people they do not need to give a gift. But they apparently don't like that and feel it's rude. I understand that, and I appreciate it, but I wish people would just say "okay, I'll just give her a card" because that's what I would love to have more than anything - a card that says: this person was here and they wanted to say happy birthday.

As far as being a bit much for directing people before hand? Yeah, it can be. But with my family, I'm sick and tired of dealing with everyone. They know I don't want plastic toys and they know I cloth diaper. Yet they insist that nothing is wrong with the plastic _they_ buy bc the toys are BPA-free, like that's the only reason I don't like plastics. And they still insist on getting diapers. If they're eco-friendly, I keep them as an emergency back-up, which comes in handy once in a while. Anyway, my point is, my family is odd when it comes to me and my choices. About everything. (Seriously. Three years after becoming a vegetarian I still got "why don't you eat meat?" and "why aren't you eating the meat?" at holiday dinners. It wasn't until I finally ignored them and they kept asking and I said "I'm not answer you. Why? Because I have to answer you every time we eat together and you always get the same answer. It's not going to change. Now stop asking." that they finally stopped ... Actually, my grandmother left the table, went upstairs and then cried for attention (yeah, she was always seeking attention). By then everyone finally stopped.) So when they get invites or mention that a holiday is approaching, I tell them what they can and can not buy. And I flat out told them - and wrote on facebook - to not even bother with plastic toys bc Maeleigh will NOT be allowed to have them. Is that rude? Yeah, a bit. But I'm done playing nice with them.

Sorry for the long rant. Felt good to get that off my chest though!

EDIT: I'd like to note that that is only with my family. Not with our friends. Most of our friends understand that we don't do plastic and are kind enough to not get it, even though they don't agree with it. And the few of our friends who don't know (mainly bc we met them through their children and they all adore Maeleigh) would never be treated like that. And it's not even DPs family. Just mine. I'm not normally that rude to people. I promise.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 
I just sent out our first birthday invites as well. I simply wrote on the back: "Maeleigh enjoys natural toys made of wood or cloth. Check out our website for details!" and then our website says: "Maeleigh's first birthday is just around the corner! So we've put together a list of places you can go if you feel compelled to get her a birthday present

Maeleigh loves natural wooden and cloth toys. Below is a list of several online stores that sell such products:

* http://www.oompa.com/
* http://www.moolka.com/jzv/nav/main?o...FcZM5QodkUPhLA
* http://www.downtoearthtoys.com/
* http://www.willowtreetoys.com/
* http://stores.planethappytoys.com/index.html
* http://www.playstoretoys.com/
* http://www.novanatural.com/

And for those who would prefer to go to a store, there is a wonderful shop in downtown West Chester. Rose and Bobbi's Unique Boutique is located at 101 West Gay St. They don't have a website but they are super nice people and only carry wooden and classic toys.

Thank you for honouring our wishes to keep plastics away from Maeleigh. We greatly appreciate any gift you choose to give. And please feel free to copy our list (or even add to it) for your own purposes."

So you could do something as simple as what our invites say or something as detailed as our website. (And yes, I included all those sites in case you are looking for some places to send to people for gifts







)

Good Luck!!

See, if I saw an invite like that it would trigger my rebellious side and I would probably get the blingiest, most garrish toy I could find, even though I normally do things like make a hand knit item and often have on of the only natural type toys as gifts.

I think this is an example of how ettiquette plays into things and why it exists. People like to feel like they are doing something special and suprising the guest of honor. When you get invites that are too specific on "acceptable" gifts, it just sort of ruins it for the giver. If somebody asks, then sure. It is even ok to tell your mom what specific things you want and let her dissiminate the information, but to say it in written form with the invite sucks the joy out of the process for the invitee.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

Someone get me the crown for the queen of tackiness then. For my dd's 1st birthday, I included a small card in the invite saying a gift was not necessary, but if they felt obliged, then I would appreciate cash. It went over very well. And for birthdays I usually get fun gift cards for the kids. For one of them, I got the kid a $20 gift card to gamestop (he was about 8 I believe). He and his mom were thrilled! But things are done differently here, and people actually appreciate not having to go through a ton of effort of wondering what a 6 year old boy or 3 year old girl would like to get for their birthday. They buy a nice card, put a little cash in it and give it, and enjoy themselves at the party. I can't even think of a bday party that i've been to that involved present opening. It was usually the party, then the singing and cake, and then a little more partying, then everyone went home. Simple.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

I have to admit, I would probably be a bit annoyed if I received a list like that also.
We wait until we are asked for gift ides, then we suggest items that easy to get and not too expensive (books, clothes, puzzles, building/stacking kits depending on age are always great). Most of our families don't like to purchase things online, so I try to suggest things local to them. And yes, the kids end up with things that maybe I'm not crazy about, but it makes the giver happy and it's never been anything too bad. I'm more concerned about the relationship than the gift itself.
Also, many people assume that wood=good and plastic=bad and that's not always the case. There are some good recycled plastic toys by companies like Green Toys (the tea set is really good) and there are a lot of crappy wood toys. I know it's easy to get caught up in the "must have everything natural and anything else will harm my baby" mind set, but it's really not as cut and dry as that. We have to look at the bigger picture sometimes.
I know I'm not explaining it well. It's just that I've been where you are right now and it just wasn't worth the stress it caused everyone involved. I look back and I'm actually a little embarrassed and kinda feel the need to go apologize to some people. (((blush)))


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer Z* 
People like to feel like they are doing something special and suprising the guest of honor.

I think this is so true! I am really not for all of the pre-directing.

For a wedding I think it's fine, obviously if the bride has a china pattern it's nice if things match, but for a child's birthday party it just seems greedy.

ETA: Maybe greedy isn't the right word. Micro-managing or bossy might be better??


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I wouldnt put it on an invite.... ick

For my ds's party, the people we invited were almost all in our natural paranting group, so they already knew just from talking with me that I prefered natural toys.

People that asked (which were all outside of the paranting group) - I just said 'he loves to read' because books arent usually made of plastic and its harder to go compleatly wrong with books! Plus people can spend smaller amounts on books and not feel obligated to get something that costs a lot.

Also, the theme was 'beach ball' which led people to get a lot of 'ball' related stuff which he loved. Thats a helpful hint too!

Extended family all gives cash anyways, we got a zoo membership with that and signed ds up for gymnastics.

We only got a couple gifts that I didnt really approve of - from my mom's friends who dont have kids! I let ds play with them for a little while and when he quickly lost interest they went into the donate pile.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

I would just like to note that the list is not on the actual invite. It's on our website. With us, everyone always asks what the child wants and this just made it easier. The only people who even bother with our site know what we would like and asked a while ago about what to get so the list just made everything easier on my part.

I can see how it would piss off some people, but we know the people who are looking at it and they all get it so we aren't too concerned about it.

And I don't know that micro-managing the right word either. Maybe "overly organized and prepared"?









Of course if I were surrounded by like-wise mamas - like yourselves, I assume - things would be much easier


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 

And I don't know that micro-managing the right word either. Maybe "overly organized and prepared"?









There ya go









Quote:

Of course if I were surrounded by like-wise mamas - like yourselves, I assume - things would be much easier








Naturally, yes! Of course.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

The only way I would even begin to approach directing someone toward specific web sites, or specific toys, would be if the giver directly asked me. And, I would do it in conversation, not write a list and send it in invitations or put it up on a website. If I did ask people to shop off of a website I would offer to pay their shipping as well, which can be pricey depending upon the item. It just seems very tacky to me.

And truly, if people are really honest about what a one year old needs or likes to play with, you probably don't need the pricey wooden toys, etc. Half seriously I would suggest new pots and pans because the baby could fill, dump and bang away, and you get the bonus of new items for you kitchen, lol.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 
I just sent out our first birthday invites as well. I simply wrote on the back: "Maeleigh enjoys natural toys made of wood or cloth. Check out our website for details!" and then our website says: "Maeleigh's first birthday is just around the corner! So we've put together a list of places you can go if you feel compelled to get her a birthday present

Maeleigh loves natural wooden and cloth toys. Below is a list of several online stores that sell such products:

* http://www.oompa.com/
* http://www.moolka.com/jzv/nav/main?o...FcZM5QodkUPhLA
* http://www.downtoearthtoys.com/
* http://www.willowtreetoys.com/
* http://stores.planethappytoys.com/index.html
* http://www.playstoretoys.com/
* http://www.novanatural.com/

And for those who would prefer to go to a store, there is a wonderful shop in downtown West Chester. Rose and Bobbi's Unique Boutique is located at 101 West Gay St. They don't have a website but they are super nice people and only carry wooden and classic toys.

Thank you for honouring our wishes to keep plastics away from Maeleigh. We greatly appreciate any gift you choose to give. And please feel free to copy our list (or even add to it) for your own purposes."

If they didn't "feel compelled" to give Maeleigh a gift before receiving this, they certainly will, now.

I'm sorry, but this is over the top imo.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 
I do agree with this statement. That's why I put the "if you feel compelled to get a gift" line in there. And I understand that people like the thrill of gift buying, which is why I also didn't do a registry but gave places people can go. *My problem is that everyone will get plastic toys and then I'll have to deal with the returns, which is a lot of headache for me since I will only get store credit to stores that don't sell anything I would get her, except for clothes (which I primarily buy used or on super sale) and some cleaning products or dvds, neither of which have anything to do with my daughter.*

And yes, I have told people they do not need to give a gift. But they apparently don't like that and feel it's rude. I understand that, and I appreciate it, but I wish people would just say "okay, I'll just give her a card" because that's what I would love to have more than anything - a card that says: this person was here and they wanted to say happy birthday.

As far as being a bit much for directing people before hand? Yeah, it can be. But with my family, *I'm sick and tired of dealing with everyone*. They know I don't want plastic toys and they know I cloth diaper. Yet they insist that nothing is wrong with the plastic _they_ buy bc the toys are BPA-free, like that's the only reason I don't like plastics. And they still insist on getting diapers. If they're eco-friendly, I keep them as an emergency back-up, which comes in handy once in a while. Anyway, my point is, my family is odd when it comes to me and my choices. About everything. (Seriously. Three years after becoming a vegetarian I still got "why don't you eat meat?" and "why aren't you eating the meat?" at holiday dinners. It wasn't until I finally ignored them and they kept asking and I said "I'm not answer you. Why? Because I have to answer you every time we eat together and you always get the same answer. It's not going to change. Now stop asking." that they finally stopped ... Actually, my grandmother left the table, went upstairs and then cried for attention (yeah, she was always seeking attention). By then everyone finally stopped.) So when they get invites or mention that a holiday is approaching, I tell them what they can and can not buy. And I flat out told them - and wrote on facebook - to not even bother with plastic toys bc Maeleigh will NOT be allowed to have them. *Is that rude? Yeah, a bit. But I'm done playing nice with them.*

Sorry for the long rant. Felt good to get that off my chest though!

EDIT: I'd like to note that that is only with my family. Not with our friends. Most of our friends understand that we don't do plastic and are kind enough to not get it, even though they don't agree with it. And the few of our friends who don't know (mainly bc we met them through their children and they all adore Maeleigh) would never be treated like that. And it's not even DPs family. Just mine. I'm not normally that rude to people. I promise.

Well, at least you know how rude this actually is, lol. If I were to read the above or to receive an invite like this, sadly, your daughter would receive nothing from me, nor would our family attend the party. If you (general) don't like what I get for your child, then yes, the burden is on YOU to deal with it (throw it, return it, donate it, whatever) because _perhaps_ my children and I had a wonderful time thinking about what your child would like. Just _perhaps_ we had a wonderful time shopping for your child. _Perhaps_ we had a wonderful time wrapping the gift and decorating the card.

Even if the gift was on your anti-plastic list.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer Z* 
See, if I saw an invite like that it would trigger my rebellious side and I would probably get the blingiest, most garrish toy I could find, even though I normally do things like make a hand knit item and often have on of the only natural type toys as gifts.

I think this is an example of how ettiquette plays into things and why it exists. People like to feel like they are doing something special and suprising the guest of honor. *When you get invites that are too specific on "acceptable" gifts, it just sort of ruins it for the giver.* If somebody asks, then sure. It is even ok to tell your mom what specific things you want and let her dissiminate the information, but to say it in written form with the invite sucks the joy out of the process for the invitee.

Yes, yes, yes. Buy _this_ gift only.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Equuskia* 
Someone get me the crown for the queen of tackiness then. For my dd's 1st birthday, I included a small card in the invite saying a gift was not necessary, but if they felt obliged, *then I would appreciate cash*. It went over very well. And for birthdays I usually get fun gift cards for the kids. For one of them, I got the kid a $20 gift card to gamestop (he was about 8 I believe). He and his mom were thrilled! But things are done differently here, and people actually appreciate not having to go through a ton of effort of wondering what a 6 year old boy or 3 year old girl would like to get for their birthday. They buy a nice card, put a little cash in it and give it, and enjoy themselves at the party. I can't even think of a bday party that i've been to that involved present opening. It was usually the party, then the singing and cake, and then a little more partying, then everyone went home. Simple.

Simple, but, imo, even worse than a list. Many people put thought into gifts, and some are so well thought out with love and care and creativity that a $5 gift can look like a $100 gift - and mean even more. $5 in a card looks like, well, $5. And the thing is - even if your request made someone uncomfortable, most likely no one would ever say anything.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gini1313* 
Maybe the people who are having those parties would love to have a simple party, but don't have the house to entertain in ... People have those parties for all types of reasons besides wanting to keep up with the Joneses...

Very true. For years of DSD growing up, we had to make arrangements for the party that would be in a neutral territory, so that either side of the family and friends felt welcome to come to. It's not easy, and not cheap. As much as I wanted a simple small "at our place" party, it just wasn't an option in the view of the complexity of the Blended Family. I sure hope no one looked down on us for having a party at the bowling place, or Rainforest Cafe. A lot of thought and love went into making the day special and confrontation free, where kids can have fun, and adults are free to join in. We tried to make it fun for everyone involved: good memories.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 
I just sent out our first birthday invites as well. I simply wrote on the back: "Maeleigh enjoys natural toys made of wood or cloth. Check out our website for details!" and then our website says: "Maeleigh's first birthday is just around the corner! So we've put together a list of places you can go if you feel compelled to get her a birthday present

Maeleigh loves natural wooden and cloth toys. Below is a list of several online stores that sell such products:

* http://www.oompa.com/
* http://www.moolka.com/jzv/nav/main?o...FcZM5QodkUPhLA
* http://www.downtoearthtoys.com/
* http://www.willowtreetoys.com/
* http://stores.planethappytoys.com/index.html
* http://www.playstoretoys.com/
* http://www.novanatural.com/

And for those who would prefer to go to a store, there is a wonderful shop in downtown West Chester. Rose and Bobbi's Unique Boutique is located at 101 West Gay St. They don't have a website but they are super nice people and only carry wooden and classic toys.

Thank you for honouring our wishes to keep plastics away from Maeleigh. We greatly appreciate any gift you choose to give. And please feel free to copy our list (or even add to it) for your own purposes."

So you could do something as simple as what our invites say or something as detailed as our website. (And yes, I included all those sites in case you are looking for some places to send to people for gifts







)

Good Luck!!

I understand that you have difficult family history, but I can't imagine making things easier by such detailed outline of acceptable presents. If people don't care - they don't care, and they won't spend the time needed to get the gift you prefer. You won't change them. They won't even go to your website. And if they do care (like myself) you might have just made them feel plain awful for no reason. Sorry.

A. I don't want to spend an hour figuring out which website has the cheapest shipping, and timing the order to arrive when needed.

B. I might have reasons why the stores you mention are not convenient for me.

C. *Not buying* the gift, after you described exactly what gift and from which stores is great for your child, would make me feel like a bad guest.

D. *Buying a gift* from any of the places you mention, would make me feel pretty used and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

It's a lose-lose situation for the guest in my shoes. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. No mention of gifts seems like the right way to go, if you truly having a party to share the joy and to build fun memories.

P.S. If I got an invite that asked for money, I would give cash as requested, but would feel just as bad.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

I dont know.... now I feel like the odd one out because I: a) dont put gift requests on my kid's invites, b) really hope my kids dont get presents at all.

I have the issues with family and friends that dont "Get it" as to what my family wants and uses. It isnt that big a deal to me anymore... as soon as the party is over the stuff gets bagged and donated. Some child will love it and use it. I find putting ideas and requests extremely tacky so I dont... but I also dont believe that birthday parties = presents. I think that raising my kids with that mindset is not what I want to do.

Yes we give our kids presents for their birthday, and others do too... but it isnt the only time we give presents and it isnt necessary. My BIL donates stuff in my kid's names every year. This is a better present for me than anything else. Our kids dont need anything really and are happy with some dirt and sunshine.

Are presents really necessary?


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
And the thing is - even if your request made someone uncomfortable, most likely no one would ever say anything.









You are incredibly right.

I have felt this way a few invites that I have received and have not said anything because... well I find it poor etiquette to say something.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *almadianna* 
I dont know.... now I feel like the odd one out because I: a) dont put gift requests on my kid's invites, b) really hope my kids dont get presents at all.

I have the issues with family and friends that dont "Get it" as to what my family wants and uses. It isnt that big a deal to me anymore... as soon as the party is over the stuff gets bagged and donated. Some child will love it and use it. I find putting ideas and requests extremely tacky so I dont... but I also dont believe that birthday parties = presents. I think that raising my kids with that mindset is not what I want to do.

Yes we give our kids presents for their birthday, and others do too... but it isnt the only time we give presents and it isnt necessary. My BIL donates stuff in my kid's names every year. This is a better present for me than anything else. *Our kids dont need anything really and are happy with some dirt and sunshine.*

*Are presents really necessary*?

I agree, and no, they are not.

Jordan just had her 6th birthday party, and she has already forgotten about the gifts. But she still talks about the friends, and the swimming, and the playing, and the relaxing...and just all the fun she had in general. Not once, not one day after her party did she mention the gifts.

We don't want our children to be materialistic, yet when we include "suggestions," are we not becoming that which we try to avoid?


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
I agree, and no, they are not.

Jordan just had her 6th birthday party, and she has already forgotten about the gifts. But she still talks about the friends, and the swimming, and the playing, and the relaxing...and just all the fun she had in general. Not once, not one day after her party did she mention the gifts.

We don't want our children to be materialistic, yet when we include "suggestions," are we not becoming that which we try to avoid?

This is how I feel as well. To me the best "present" that someone could give my child is their time, love, and attention.

My son had his first birthday party last weekend and he was thrilled. My two kids played with their group of friends, they ate cake, they played in the water, in the sand, and on their swingset. They were exhausted and slept beautifully. This is really all I could ask for... I feel wonderful that people took time out of their day to come to our house and share in celebrating my son's first year because they love him.


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## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

We feel the same way about receiving "crap" gifts. This is what we did. We had a joint b-day party for all 3 of our kids, their birthdays are within 1 month of each other. It was a family included picnic style bbq. I sent out evites and on the evite wrote "in lieu of gifts please bring 3 cans of food that will be donated to Manna Food Bank". (1 can for each child)

The kids still received gifts from our close family but it allowed our friends, many of whom are our of work right now, to come and celebrate with us without having to worry about buying a gift. It kept us from getting a bunch of stuff we did not want nor need. I received positive feedback from friends and family no one felt offended (at least that they mentioned) that we did not want "gifts".

The day after the party we took the food to the food bank and donated it. The food bank allowed the kids to stock the shelves and talked to them about the impact their donation made. On the way home my 8 yr old ds said "Mom, this year my birthday helped other people. It feels good." The kids wrote a thank you email to everyone who attended the party and talked about their experience donating the food and how each persons "gift" helped someone in need.

The kids have already said they want to do the same thing next year.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 

A. I don't want to spend an hour figuring out which website has the cheapest shipping, and timing the order to arrive when needed.

B. I might have reasons why the stores you mention are not convenient for me.

C. *Not buying* the gift, after you described exactly what gift and from which stores is great for your child, would make me feel like a bad guest.

D. *Buying a gift* from any of the places you mention, would make me feel pretty used and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

It's a lose-lose situation for the guest in my shoes. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. No mention of gifts seems like the right way to go, if you truly having a party to share the joy and to build fun memories.

P.S. If I got an invite that asked for money, I would give cash as requested, but would feel just as bad.

This, exactly. I completely agree with you. Also, if I may add another point to your list, some people either craft a gift or pick one up on clearance somewhere in order to be thoughtful as well as frugal. Then they may feel like they are bringing a "second rate" gift because it wasn't on the list. It takes the fun out of it.

Actually, I'll add another point too. A gift that the parents didn't already think of might have the added value of being unique and something that, well, the paren't wouldn't have thought of. Someone using their own creativity and thoughtfulness might actually give something your child might like or use. Even if it wasn't on your shopping list.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *almadianna* 
This is how I feel as well. To me the best "present" that someone could give my child is their time, love, and attention.









We just had a birthday party for DS, very informal, just cupcakes and lemonade with the neighborhood kids. One of the kids asked about what kind of present to bring, and I said, "Oh, DS would just love you to come and celebrate with him." An older boy, 14 years old, who the little kids all look up to very much, cut me off and said, "Yeah, the presents aren't the important thing, it's just about spending time together and showing you care. That's the best present of all." I thought that was so nice for the children to hear it from another kid. In the end, some kids brought DS a little gift and some didn't, it wasn't the focus of the party. Some kids brought homemade cards and one brought a few action figures from his own toy box to give to DS.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

It's interesting how differently people see things. If I was directed to a webpage like the one in the OP, I wouldn't see it as a "shopping list" at all. She provided multiple merchants, and didn't specify what kind of gift. I'd see it as a wonderful opportunity to brainstorm what kind of toys the birthday girl liked...and I probably wouldn't end up ordering from any of the specified merchants.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *almadianna* 
I dont know.... now I feel like the odd one out because I: a) dont put gift requests on my kid's invites, b) really hope my kids dont get presents at all.

I have the issues with family and friends that dont "Get it" as to what my family wants and uses. It isnt that big a deal to me anymore... as soon as the party is over the stuff gets bagged and donated. Some child will love it and use it. I find putting ideas and requests extremely tacky so I dont... but I also dont believe that birthday parties = presents. I think that raising my kids with that mindset is not what I want to do.

Yes we give our kids presents for their birthday, and others do too... but it isnt the only time we give presents and it isnt necessary. My BIL donates stuff in my kid's names every year. This is a better present for me than anything else. Our kids dont need anything really and are happy with some dirt and sunshine.

Are presents really necessary?

You're not the only one. We always do a "No Gifts" request. My kids just don't need anything, they do love having friends and family over for a BBQ, cake and celebration. My DD will be two this week and I got her some shoes, she's love them. And she needs them. My sons birthday is three weeks after Christmas and we have only ever given him birthday gifts this past year when he turned 5, before that he never even noticed mom and dad didn't give him anything.

One year we threw him a larger party (the in-laws and their larger house offered to host) So we had about 6 kids and 18 adult guests. I put no gifts on the invite and pretty much everyone called and balked and wanted to know what to get. So I finally sent out an email saying if they absolutely had to shop, they could go get some packages of new underwear and socks in various adult sizes that we could donate to the homeless shelter. I had a box set up by the door, and we dropped off all the left over food and the socks and underwear on the way home that night. I got a couple of checks for the shelter too which was awesome!


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

Didn't read all the other answers, but I say tacky. I told people not to worry about bringing gifts to my 1 yr olds b day because he has so many toys already and wouldn't know the difference. I've never been a fan of "When you buy a gift this is what I want" registrys and such.


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprons_and_acorns* 







We just had a birthday party for DS, very informal, just cupcakes and lemonade with the neighborhood kids. One of the kids asked about what kind of present to bring, and I said, "Oh, DS would just love you to come and celebrate with him." An older boy, 14 years old, who the little kids all look up to very much, cut me off and said, "Yeah, the presents aren't the important thing, it's just about spending time together and showing you care. That's the best present of all." I thought that was so nice for the children to hear it from another kid. In the end, some kids brought DS a little gift and some didn't, it wasn't the focus of the party. Some kids brought homemade cards and one brought a few action figures from his own toy box to give to DS.

That whole post was so cute.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *almadianna* 
I dont know.... now I feel like the odd one out because I: a) dont put gift requests on my kid's invites, b) really hope my kids dont get presents at all.

I have the issues with family and friends that dont "Get it" as to what my family wants and uses. It isnt that big a deal to me anymore... as soon as the party is over the stuff gets bagged and donated. Some child will love it and use it. I find putting ideas and requests extremely tacky so I dont... but I also dont believe that birthday parties = presents. I think that raising my kids with that mindset is not what I want to do.

Yes we give our kids presents for their birthday, and others do too... but it isnt the only time we give presents and it isnt necessary. My BIL donates stuff in my kid's names every year. This is a better present for me than anything else. Our kids dont need anything really and are happy with some dirt and sunshine.

Are presents really necessary?

I'm with you on everything.

My DD's first birthday is coming up and frankly I'm dreading it. DH's family is huge and they believe in presents, lots of excessive presents at birthdays, Easter, Christmas you name it. Each year I would watch as each of my nieces/nephews would tear through each gift, look at it for a minute, throw it aside and was on to the next one.

If it were up to me, it would just be a party with DH, me and DD... I prefer lowkey events. But DH tells me I can't do that. I also want to put 'no gifts' on the invite, but I don't think that will fly with DH either even though he gets frustrated that his family doesn't "get it" and always buys us things that go straight to the donation pile. This past Christmas rather than buying gifts for all the nephews/nieces, I gave them all charity gift cards...to date only 4 out of the 11 have redeemed them. Oh well...

Long ago I told my family and friends to not bother to buy me any gifts and that I'd rather spend some time and share a meal with them.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pokeyrin* 
This past Christmas rather than buying gifts for all the nephews/nieces, I gave them all charity gift cards...to date only 4 out of the 11 have redeemed them. Oh well...

Long ago I told my family and friends to not bother to buy me any gifts and that I'd rather spend some time and share a meal with them.

What's a charity gift card?

We do things like heifer project (only through a different group) for gifts, but there is nothing to redeem.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
What's a charity gift card?

We do things like heifer project (only through a different group) for gifts, but there is nothing to redeem.

Justgive.org has charity e-cards which the recipient can choose any charity listed on the site (they have a a lot!). You send the e-card and they redeem the code and apply it to however many charities they want. You can also see who has redeemed it and send them reminders that they still have money to give away. Each e-card requires a $10 minimum.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pokeyrin* 
Justgive.org has charity e-cards which the recipient can choose any charity listed on the site (they have a a lot!). You send the e-card and they redeem the code and apply it to however many charities they want. You can also see who has redeemed it and send them reminders that they still have money to give away. Each e-card requires a $10 minimum.

Wow, that's so cool. Thanks for the info!


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

I just wanted to say I feel your pain. I know it's tacky so I won't do it, but gosh I wish I could!

It kills me to have family members buy more toys that we don't need and are trying to phase out. Especially when dd is 3 and we can't easily give them away once she has seen them.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 
I find it tacky. You're inviting these people because you want to celebrate this special day - by including the wishlist in the invitation you're putting an emphasis on the presents and not the presence.

This I find it tacky not really rude or anything but overall tacky.

Deanna


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *caro113* 
I would just like to note that the list is not on the actual invite. It's on our website. With us, everyone always asks what the child wants and this just made it easier. The only people who even bother with our site know what we would like and asked a while ago about what to get so the list just made everything easier on my part.

I can see how it would piss off some people, but we know the people who are looking at it and they all get it so we aren't too concerned about it.

And I don't know that micro-managing the right word either. Maybe "overly organized and prepared"?









Of course if I were surrounded by like-wise mamas - like yourselves, I assume - things would be much easier









That type of list wouldn't offend me its not my thing but I'd assume positive intent and everything but when I see things like that my heart sinks and I know I'll have to just send regrets and not bother going or say bring a book and hope it goes over well cause the listed stuff will jsut be out of reach for us.









Deanna


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

For first birthdays we tend to do really small family celebrations. DS recieved one gift- from everyone collectively... his grandfather made him a set of blocks, and everyone in the family took a pile home to help sand and finish them- when we celebrated his birthday, all the blocks came to the celebration finished as each family member thought they should be- some stenciled, some stained, some oiled (all non-toxic, of course... ) it was a fun project...


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
It's interesting how differently people see things. If I was directed to a webpage like the one in the OP, I wouldn't see it as a "shopping list" at all. She provided multiple merchants, and didn't specify what kind of gift. I'd see it as a wonderful opportunity to brainstorm what kind of toys the birthday girl liked...and I probably wouldn't end up ordering from any of the specified merchants.

This is what I was getting at with the list. More of a brainstorming idea. I realize it may offend some people, and that's certainly not what I'm trying to do, but I'm pretty certain the people who would look at our site, and visit it regularly since that's where all our photos go, wouldn't mind it so much. In fact, before we sent out the invites and just talked about the party, everyone asked what to get and where to get it. Most of our family lives far away and I'm the only one who sews, so buying something online and just having it shipped to us is much easier for everyone. At least for us. Actually, we initially told people that all we wanted were birthday cards to put in her book, but no one liked that idea. Apparently it wasn't enough.







I appreciate it though.

I must say, I love the idea of that charity card! How awesome! I think that's fabulous! We'll definitely have to use that next time. Thanks for the idea


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## francesruben (Apr 15, 2009)

I have friends who do this whenever they have a party for themselves or their child and I personally don't like it- I like to feel free to choose a gift that is a bit more personal. I think gifts should be enjoyable for the giver as well as the receiver. People will ask for ideas if they need them.


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## RoundAbout (Aug 3, 2006)

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Originally Posted by *aprons_and_acorns* 

Actually, I'll add another point too. A gift that the parents didn't already think of might have the added value of being unique and something that, well, the paren't wouldn't have thought of. Someone using their own creativity and thoughtfulness might actually give something your child might like or use. Even if it wasn't on your shopping list.

Yes! Absolutely!

We've gotten our share of crappy gifts but some wonderful ones as well. Recently a relative sent an old-fashioned-y metal top to my son. The kind with a rod in the middle that you push to get spinning. It's bright and a bit gaudy looking and even has *gasp* a plastic handle. And guess what - it's an absolutely wonderful toy! My son adores it and we all love playing with it and seeing how long we can make it spin.

I never would have thought of it and I haven't seen anything like it in the stores and catalogs I frequent. That's part of the great thing about gift giving.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Yes! Absolutely!

We've gotten our share of crappy gifts but some wonderful ones as well. Recently a relative sent an old-fashioned-y metal top to my son. The kind with a rod in the middle that you push to get spinning. It's bright and a bit gaudy looking and even has *gasp* a plastic handle. And guess what - it's an absolutely wonderful toy! My son adores it and we all love playing with it and seeing how long we can make it spin.

I never would have thought of it and I haven't seen anything like it in the stores and catalogs I frequent. That's part of the great thing about *gift giving*.

Yes. Gift GIVING. Not gift GETTING.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
Wow, that's so cool. Thanks for the info!









It was a lucky find, you can search for local charities too.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 
For first birthdays we tend to do really small family celebrations. DS recieved one gift- from everyone collectively... his grandfather made him a set of blocks, and everyone in the family took a pile home to help sand and finish them- when we celebrated his birthday, all the blocks came to the celebration finished as each family member thought they should be- some stenciled, some stained, some oiled (all non-toxic, of course... ) it was a fun project...

That is a _supremely_ awesome gift!


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 
For first birthdays we tend to do really small family celebrations. DS recieved one gift- from everyone collectively... his grandfather made him a set of blocks, and everyone in the family took a pile home to help sand and finish them- when we celebrated his birthday, all the blocks came to the celebration finished as each family member thought they should be- some stenciled, some stained, some oiled (all non-toxic, of course... ) it was a fun project...









that's so cool it makes me want to have another baby just so I can use your idea.


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