# WDYD When someone else's child pushes your smaller child?



## kellykins (Oct 13, 2004)

I had this happen at the park with someone in a playgroup I am in... Her older child - I think he is 3? pushed my 1.5yo out of the way to get to the slide first... Then did it again, very obviously, and Katelyn actually fell down that time. The mama sorta ws like "Oh __, don't push the baby!" after he was like all the way down the slide... very wistfully and totally "unheard" by the tornado child. I froze, I didn't know how to react!? I was like, um, yea.... I picked Katelyn back up to her feet, and said something about him really likign that slide and wanting to be the first to go.. I have no idea...
How do you react? What do you tell you child when they get pushed, etc.. so they know that a-it wasn't because the other kid wanted to hurt her/scare her/didn't like her/wasn't somethign she did to make them do it and b-to be sure she knows that it is no acceptable behavior without sounding like snooty toot jerko to the other mom if in earshot?

Kate had not been around a lot of kids bigger/older than her, and pretty much any time she is, she gets hurt, pushed, bonked on the head, stepped on, etc... She doesn't deal well with it-- she usually just looks at me and makes this "what the heck?!" face and cries...


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## Kwgrlup (Nov 12, 2005)

I would not take it to much to heart. A three year-old is still a baby in many ways, and might not even know his own strength. I would not appreciate a mother who did not watch her child enough to know he was pushing though. I know my almost three year-old in his excitement to get to something has pushed a time or two. Unfortunately there are many Moms out there like that. I would just keeping doing what you are already doing, keeping an eye on your child, and just help her to avoid situations where she can get hurt.


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## P-chan (Jan 23, 2004)

To the 3-year-old: "Gentle with the little ones, please!"

To my toddler: "Up we go, brush off your hands. Here's the slide...one, two, three!"

If it's a recurring problem with this child, I would stick close to mine to prevent physical interactions. If it's really problematic, I'd avoid the playdate for a while.

I have taught my children to "just walk away" from kids who are hurtful. I usually describe it as "That child is having a hard time right now." It's an accurate thing to say without being too hard on the parent.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I agree with the pp's. But I also think that when there are big kids at the playground, the little ones need to be shadowed closely by their parents. It isn't a 3 yo's responsibility to watch out for toddlers. Yes, you can say "be gentle" or "watch out for little ones!" but ultimately that's the adult's job.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
I agree with the pp's. But I also think that when there are big kids at the playground, the little ones need to be shadowed closely by their parents. It isn't a 3 yo's responsibility to watch out for toddlers. Yes, you can say "be gentle" or "watch out for little ones!" but ultimately that's the adult's job.

I agree. Its awfully hard for an enthusiastically-playing toddler to try to moderate his actions for smaller ones.

I usually try to identify who is likely to overrun my DD then stay between them, but I don't usually correct another child; instead I focus on making sure DD is okay and offering sympathy and hugs to her.


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## birdie22 (Apr 1, 2005)

You as the parent have to make sure your child is not in a position to get run over. I have had to leave the playground myself at various times because there were too many older, rowdy kids.

We have a park nearby that has several play areas, and one is clearly for toddlers. If the older kids are storming through the toddler area, I have asked them (authoratatively, but politely) to slow down/watch out/move to the big kids' area. But if they are playing in an age-appropriate way on the age-appropriate equipment, I feel it's up to me to keep my little one out of harm's way.

After all, my ds is going to be the big kid one day, and I he can't roughhouse at the playground, what will I do?


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## rachellanigh (Aug 26, 2006)

Although your little one may not have the words to use yet, I would speak to him first showing him that you are concerned about him most and not the pusher. I would give him words you would like him to use when he is able to talk like:

"Watch out!" I don't like to be pushed. Or "Slow down". I'm playing too.


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

Like pps when dd was young enough to get pushed down i kept very close so she didnt get run over too much. Then when she was the agressive pushing child i made sure and stayed close to make sure she wasnt hurting anyone. Since she was a little before 3 years i have been able to sit back more. Now she rarely pushes anyone on purpose but still needs a few remiders to not just run over the little ones. I swear they dont even see anyone smaller then them sometimes and just bowl right through.


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## delphiniumpansy (Mar 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *a-sorta-fairytale* 
Like pps when dd was young enough to get pushed down i kept very close so she didnt get run over too much. Then when she was the agressive pushing child i made sure and stayed close to make sure she wasnt hurting anyone. Since she was a little before 3 years i have been able to sit back more. Now she rarely pushes anyone on purpose but still needs a few remiders to not just run over the little ones. I swear they dont even see anyone smaller then them sometimes and just bowl right through.

same here

But, if the mom of the pusher is totally oblivious, as can happen, I would not be averse to mentioning to her child to "be gentle" or asking her to ask her child to play more gently. Sometimes moms get socializing (me, too) and they don't notice what is happening.


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yellowpansy* 
same here

But, if the mom of the pusher is totally oblivious, as can happen, I would not be averse to mentioning to her child to "be gentle" or asking her to ask her child to play more gently. Sometimes moms get socializing (me, too) and they don't notice what is happening.

Yeah that. In our playgroup we are all keeping tabs on each others kids and everyone feels free to help redirect etc.


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## mommy2AandZ (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
I agree with the pp's. But I also think that when there are big kids at the playground, the little ones need to be shadowed closely by their parents. It isn't a 3 yo's responsibility to watch out for toddlers. Yes, you can say "be gentle" or "watch out for little ones!" but ultimately that's the adult's job.

I agree, I don't expect 3yo's to be mindful of my 19month old. So I'm always up there with her, or standing right by her, ect. It is fair to tell the older child that "please don't push the baby" ect..


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

what i've noticed as a new parent of a 1+ year old, is that the older kids tend to want to be wherever the baby is! for example, at the mall in the play area... i look for whatever part is unoccupied, sit right there with the baby, and as soon as the baby starts to play on it, here come the big kids. there have been so many big kids and it gets so rowdy, that we don't go to the malls anymore. not until she can hold her own.

i did not have the same problem at the pool/sand area this summer. i stood near DD. but otherwise let her play and didn't say anything unless absolutely necessary, which almost never happened. i've taught DD "that belongs to someone else" whether it is their sand shovel or bucket, or the sand castle the big kids built. i also point out, out loud for both DD's and the big kids benefit, that "it's OK to look, but it's not to touch." this seemed to work; the big kids put up with her curiosity, and she respected their things.

now that it's fall, we're back to the traditional playgrounds. my DD is fearless and wants to try all of the big kid equipment. she holds her own for the most part but obviously i stay very close when she's climbing or on top. and as the 3 and 4 year olds come buzzing by, in a very nice, friendly tone, i remind them to please be careful around the baby, and thanks a lot.


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## Spirit Dancer (Dec 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy2AandZ* 
I agree, I don't expect 3yo's to be mindful of my 19month old. So I'm always up there with her, or standing right by her, ect. It is fair to tell the older child that "please don't push the baby" ect..

I agree. I have a 16 mo old ds and babysit a 3 yr old all day. She really likes my ds and tries to be gentle but when she gets excited there is a lot going on she can forget. She has knocked him down numerous times as have his other friends. I will calmly remind here to be gentle. It is never done on purpose though with the intent to hurt him (well a few times but that is a different topic).

Now my ds is hardly even bothered by being knocked over. Your daughter could be a bit overwhelmed if she is not used to it (and who can blame her).

At the park I do shadow him if there are bigger kids there running around and if need be I remove him to another area. I have also very kindly asked kids to be gentle too.


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *P-chan* 
To the 3-year-old: "Gentle with the little ones, please!"

To my toddler: "Up we go, brush off your hands. Here's the slide...one, two, three!"

That's perfect. Take it in stride and move on.


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## Mikani (Aug 3, 2006)

I'm so glad I stopped by this thread for some perspective!

I have one 16 month old daughter, and so my viewpoint thus far has been entirely as the parent of the "pushee." It's only happened a couple of times, but I'm actually scared by the strength of the protective feelings the whole situation engenders!

It's so important to remember that a three year old is still a baby too in so many ways. Thanks for the reminder.


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## kellykins (Oct 13, 2004)

Thanks for validating me...I felt like I needed to say something to the kid as well, nd now I see you guys would have as well. Its not as if I would be disciplining him, just reminding him that those that are smaller are more fragile...
She was trying to climb up a slide today, and before I even saw he was there, a bigger boy (probably 5?) dame downt he slide and clobbered her right in the face/neck/shoulder with his big ol foot. Of course it hurt her, and he just slid on off, and went quickly over to his mama... too quick for me to say anything and I was tending to Katelyn anyhow... She (his mama) sees Katelyn crying and says loudly to her boy "did you do something to her?" and then I didn't hear his response and then I hear her say "did you say sorry?" and then I ehar him mumble sorry... I hate to admit but I acted like I couldn't even hear them, just on principle that they couldnt bring themselves to come over and actually APOLOGIZE.. for crying out loud, your kid just kicked a 1yo in the face.
Playgound politics stinks.  I guess I just gotta get used to it, and stay more on top of Katelyn at the playgound!!! I jsut dont want to be a helicopter...


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

My son is 2 and is not yet aware of how to treat other people.

I'd like to know what you want me to do? I remind him and try to stay near all the time but he still does do things sometimes that upset or hurt other kids.

He is my sweet boy too. Though he may be bigger than your child he is still a very young child and basically just a big baby.


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## kellykins (Oct 13, 2004)

:
I didn't mean to sound like I... I donno... am insensitive and think that by the time someone is 2, they "know better" and are all of a sudden grown up...

I guess I am just having a hard time seeing my little pumpkin getting pushed and hurt and now, today, kicked in the face... (that, was an older child, it was an accident I know but the lack of apology irked me)

I guess that is just it. She's my baby and I don't want to see her getting hurt... She is still really a baby even though she can climb and "do stuff" and all...
Feeling like I should apologize for posting in the first place.







:


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

You don't need to apologize. I'm just not sure what I should do. I watch him carefully but a turn of the head and he's gone. This happened the other day at an indoor play park. He had been playing happily in one of the little houses and without me or my friend seeing it he ran across the room and took a toy from another child. We were staring right at the house and just didn't see him.

I feel terrible when things like that happen. I have two kids though and when I am caring for my older child the little one can get in trouble quickly.

I do sometimes feel judged by moms of smaller kids (that are much like me when I had only one child and she was very young) or don't have children that are as active as mine.

He is a sweet boy that doesn't realize he's hurting other people when he plays rough. We are working on it constantly though.

I'm not sure what I should do.

When dd was little she was always the one getting hurt and honestly its much harder being the parent of the child that is doing the hurting. Its embarassing and people look at your child like they are a monster.


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## P-chan (Jan 23, 2004)

Don't feel bad for posting! This says it all:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kellykins* 
Playgound politics stink

For me, the key has been to move on as quickly as possible. I comfort my child's hurt, but in a way that's independent of the other child's action--basically, I don't expect an apology, although I appreciate and encourage my child to acknowledge one.

I'm having a harder time with my son's hurt *feelings* on the playground. Scrapes and bumps are easy compared to that!!


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kellykins* 
Thanks for validating me...I felt like I needed to say something to the kid as well, nd now I see you guys would have as well. Its not as if I would be disciplining him, just reminding him that those that are smaller are more fragile...
She was trying to climb up a slide today, and before I even saw he was there, a bigger boy (probably 5?) dame downt he slide and clobbered her right in the face/neck/shoulder with his big ol foot. Of course it hurt her, and he just slid on off, and went quickly over to his mama... too quick for me to say anything and I was tending to Katelyn anyhow... She (his mama) sees Katelyn crying and says loudly to her boy "did you do something to her?" and then I didn't hear his response and then I hear her say "did you say sorry?" and then I ehar him mumble sorry... I hate to admit but I acted like I couldn't even hear them, just on principle that they couldnt bring themselves to come over and actually APOLOGIZE.. for crying out loud, your kid just kicked a 1yo in the face.
Playgound politics stinks.  I guess I just gotta get used to it, and stay more on top of Katelyn at the playgound!!! I jsut dont want to be a helicopter...










In this situation the older boy was using the slide in the way it was designed.

Climbing UP the slide is risky, and if there are big kids around your LO could really get hurt. My son is 4 and he does not look down the slide for babies/toddlers before heading down. Even though they are big they still have a lot of the impulsive behavior left over from toddler years.

Not saying kids shouldn't climb up slides, just saying don't be surprised when a child climbing up a slide winds up getting kicked in the face by a child coming down the slide. It kind of goes with the territory.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I haven't read the replies.

I tell my kid something along the lines of "I'm sorry he pushed you. That wasn't a very polite way to get by. Are you okay?" Or whatever is appropriate to that particular situation or their age at the time.

If it happens again and I'm standing right there, I have been known to say to the child "Please don't push him, I'm worried he might get hurt. "


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
In this situation the older boy was using the slide in the way it was designed.

Climbing UP the slide is risky, and if there are big kids around your LO could really get hurt. My son is 4 and he does not look down the slide for babies/toddlers before heading down. Even though they are big they still have a lot of the impulsive behavior left over from toddler years.

Not saying kids shouldn't climb up slides, just saying don't be surprised when a child climbing up a slide winds up getting kicked in the face by a child coming down the slide. It kind of goes with the territory.

I gotta agree with this. I let my kids climb up the slide, but only if there are no other kids around, and with the warning to be on the lookout for anyone coming down.


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## SwissMama (Sep 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Megan~* 

I'm not sure what I should do.
.

Honestly I would stand as close as possible to him to make sure he didn't hurt someone. At least thats what i do with my 2 yr old. My 2 yr is very timid though, so i'm not exactly in that position of the mother of the pusher.

I can say though, having seen her pushed, i have gotten very reactive. its really hard not to be. she was just one, and i was with her helping her up this little latter at a playground. she had her hands on the platform that she was stepping up to, and a 3 yr old saw, said "NO" (as if he didnt want anyone else on the eqipment) and STOMPED on her little hand. He stomped once and really quickly and lifted his foot to stomp again, and i quickly grabbed his foot before he could.

This all happened at lightening speed and it was weird because i didnt know what to do with his foot (i.e do i let go and risk him stomping down? do i push it back and therefore use (albeit slight) force on someone elses kid?. My instinct, with my anger, was to just pick him up and remove his entire person from the equipment. (I did let go but with a backwards motion and then removed her from the equipment)

There were no parents near him. his mother was on the opposite side of the structure and chatting with other moms. She looked up and saw, and didnt even seem to care - just went back to chattering. She even saw me with my hand on his foot.

The sucky thing is, I don't speak their language so i couldnt say anything to anyone. I just took my 1 yr old home.









This was just an example but ive had it happen a few times. Megan, i can imagine it must suck to be the pushers mom, but i have a hunch that its not your kid that I'm looking at like hes a monster. Its the mothers I'm looking at who pull the "kids will be kids" thing and stand and do nothing to attempt to explain to their 3 yr old why they shouldnt stomp on a babies hand. Mothers that actually dont care if another random adult corrects their child cause it just means they don't have to do it. (keep in mind, im in europe, so the culture regarding that sort of thing is slightly different)


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

I have to say that as much as it hurts my heart to see my dd hurt it feels way worse when she hurts someone else. It is aweful to be the mom of an aggressive kid. You get the look all day long and when she was in an aggressive stage i had to hover way more. Luckily my playgroup was very tolerant and we got through that stage but i know this is where my first grey hairs came from. Now that she is 3 and has learned to come get me if there is a problem and also she doesnt get clobbered as easily and when she is most of the time she just moves along. I finally get to just sit with the mommies and chat while watching her instead of being a playground helecoptor.


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## leurMaman (Jun 10, 2004)

As the mother of a 3yo boy, I have to speak up. My son has been that kid before. I have talked to him about being gentle, sharing, taking turns, watching out for babies, etc. He is a thoughtful little guy too, but he gets very excitable sometimes at playgrounds and sort of tears across the playing field. I stick close to him to make sure that he is not causing too many problems. If he does push or bump someone, I act just like that mother and say something like, "That wasn't very nice. Did you mean to bump into the baby"? If he doesn't respond, though, I make sure he heard me. If it is a bad enough offense, I make him come back and apologize. As for your position, just understand that moms of 3yo have a hard time controlling. See if you can comfort your little one and explain how excited the little boy is about the slide to her. I know it is hard to watch that happen, but she'll learn to deal with big silly boys







My little daughter is totally unphased by these things, because she got thrown into it from birth!


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

To the OP, don't feel badly about posting. This is hard stuff. I think what you're going through has partly to do with the fact that your little babe is now out in the world more and you aren't able to protect her at all times. This is one of those developmental leaps in parenting that causes us so much pain. You can shadow her and still something can happen - she can trip, a child can come down the slide, etc.

Give her lots of support and encouragement and maybe venture to the park when it's less crowded. It's a slow process to get to feeling a little less intensely mama bear-ish in these situations.

And to those of more aggressive toddlers, I think it's just normal stuff. We should guilt each other or our children. These are things that happen with small children....we shadow them as much as possible and watch them closely. Still things can still happen and everyone will survive. I think these early years are so challenging in this way. As they get a little older and begin to empathize and have some impulse control, it gets so much easier.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Megan~* 
My son is 2 and is not yet aware of how to treat other people.

I'd like to know what you want me to do? I remind him and try to stay near all the time but he still does do things sometimes that upset or hurt other kids.

He is my sweet boy too. Though he may be bigger than your child he is still a very young child and basically just a big baby.

Older kids are also experimenting with their "big" ness. Or even simply unable to perceive that they *can* injure a person smaller than themselves.

My opinion is that reminding bigger kids is good enough... yet I also understand that a parent of a younger or smaller child could be overwhelmed at all of the new plungings that their baby is taking & is going to take, as life gets bigger for them.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i am struggling with this, too.









just today, we were at a playground with several other toddlers, and a birthday celebration was going on with older kids at the other end of the park. the play structure was empty except for the 4 girls in our group, when all of a sudden, the bigger kids (i would say they were 4-5 year olds) came running and started climbing. it was ok albeit somewhat rambunctious for a few minutes, but then the activity level started getting a bit out of hand. all 4 of us moms of toddlers were keeping close watch over our kids, but there were NO moms from the group that came over to supervise.

next thing i know, one of the boys was on the same platform as dd, and she ended up kind of getting trapped behind him and he was totally oblivious of his own body, so of course he had no clue that he was about to 'push' my dd over the edge. i was on the other side of the platform and my reach wasn't long enough to grab dd, so i ended up saying watch out. he was STILL oblivious and she was getting even closer to the edge, so i did the only thing i could think of...i YELLED "hey hey hey" in order to get this little boy's attention. he barely reacted, wheras most of the other kids 'froze' at the sound of my voice, and at that moment he coincidentally moved in such a way that i could jump up and reach around him and scoot dd towards me.

my voice must have alerted some of the mothers that they needed to watch over their kiddos, and a few of them ended up making their way over, thank goodness.

i of course redirected dd away from the crowd after that.

in retrospect i felt kind of bad creating a bit of a commotion, but at that moment i was so afraid of dd tumbling backwards off of the platform and really hurting herself.

let's hear it for the mama bears! raaaawr.


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## hammas (Oct 19, 2006)

At the moment I'm the mother of a pusher (ds, almost 4) and a pushee (dd, 16 months). To me it's much harder to handle ds's pushing than dd being pushed. If I have to choose I shadow ds so he won't be able to push other children and let dd be pushed by strangers. Ds is very big for his age (43 inches, 52 pounds) and people seem to think he's 5 or 6 but he really is only three and even somewhat socially immature for a three-year-old.

Sometimes I have to nurse my hurt or tired dd and I won't be able to be right next to my ds. He has his own play things and sometimes that means he would not like other people to enter the play structures he's in. They might be his spaceship or a moving train. Or he might think it's his turn to use the slide even though he's still working his way to the slide and other people could use it before he gets up there. Then he might get angry because other people use it when it's his turn (even when it doesn't look like that to the other people). He knows the playground equipment isn't his own but he can't always remember it in the heat of the moment. I always try to be there but sometimes I'm just not fast enough and something happens and other children (even babies) get hurt. I'm very sorry.

Dd is very used to being pushed so she usually just gets up and starts over. If she doesn't I hold her and nurse her until she's ready to start playing again. I don't usually talk to the pusher a lot if it's an accident. If there is a tension between him/her and dd I sometimes try to help them work through it sometimes I just shadow her closer until the other child seems to relax.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hammas* 
At the moment I'm the mother of a pusher (ds, almost 4) and a pushee (dd, 16 months). To me it's much harder to handle ds's pushing than dd being pushed. If I have to choose I shadow ds so he won't be able to push other children and let dd be pushed by strangers. Ds is very big for his age (43 inches, 52 pounds) and people seem to think he's 5 or 6 but he really is only three and even somewhat socially immature for a three-year-old.











That must be hard to have a kid who looks so much older. He sounds HUGE for his age!!


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
Not saying kids shouldn't climb up slides, just saying don't be surprised when a child climbing up a slide winds up getting kicked in the face by a child coming down the slide. It kind of goes with the territory.

It does go with the territory, on a public playground. When there are lots of children of many different ages and abilities climbing, running, sliding, jumping next to each other, someone will get pushed, bumped, stepped on, and yes, kicked in the face, (esp. if they're climbing UP the slide). Most kids handle it better than their parents.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I had a similar thing happen, but with a much older kid.

My 3 year old and I were getting onto a ride at an amusement park, and a child, maybe 6-8, pushed my daughter over to get in the spot where my daughter was.

I very calmly told her not to push my daughter.

I can understand the excitement of being a kid and being at an amusement park, but then I heard the girl call me a bitch. I just ignored it, but I was very pissed.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

We were in a situation like this about a month ago. DH and I were at the playground with DD (she was what, 22 months at the time). There was another little girl there who said she was "2" but she looked like maybe somewhere between 2.5 and 3, so a little older than my daughter. Her mother was sitting at a picnic table talking to another woman (with a small baby, her husband was chasing their other child around, and then there was another dad there with another kid too). This woman was not watching her two kids at all. I ended up keeping an eye on her daughter, and another one of the dads was watching her son (pushing him on the swing, etc.) Well, her daughter was a little brat. She tried to push past my DD in line to go down the slide, since I was right there, I said "We take turns. It is Savannah's turn now." Then, another time she was at the bottom of the slide and DD was coming down the slide. She was at the end and waiting for me to help her down, and the other little girl took her arm, pushed her shoulder and pushed her down into the dirt. I picked dd up, asked her if she was ok, dusted her off and said to the other girl "It isn't nice to push" She responded with "But she was in my way." (she wanted to climb up the slide) Of course the whole time her mom was oblivious. The little girl did not like to be told that. She sat there and pouted and glared at me for the longest time. She said again "She was in my way." And I just said again. "It isn't nice to push."
I felt bad for her, I had to push her in a swing and I worried about her safety (she was trying to do things on the jungle gym that she might be too small for, like cross the monkey bars).


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## hammas (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 








That must be hard to have a kid who looks so much older. He sounds HUGE for his age!!









Thanks! I really needed that hug.

He isn't only huge, he's also very strong and can carry other children around even when they would prefer not to be carried. And of course he doesn't understand that he's a lot bigger and stronger than the other children.

When he was younger he got pushed by older children. And we used to judge the children and their parents. We didn't know.


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