# Imperfect Parents



## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

I admit it. I am not a perfect parent. I try. Sometimes my decisions are not perfect. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I yell. I don't like it, but it happens.

I know I shouldn't. I am not 100% AP. I don't want my children co-sleeping, it is just what has worked for us. I weaned my 26 month old instead of CLW and tandem nursing with our next child.

Being surrounded by all the perfect Gentle Discipline/AP parents here online is killing my self-esteem. I just want to see if anyone out there is imperfect like me.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Ha! Not perfect by a loooooong shot!

OT: Love your sig! I had friends who had an "Emma" weeks before "Ross and Rachel" did on Friends. They felt the same as you!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am crap!


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## TheDivineMissE (Mar 31, 2006)

I know lots of imperfect parents, don't feel bad!

It just so happens I'm not one of them. I am the most practically perfect parent in every way (including a scorching hot grasp on alliteration!).









Seriously though, don't let it get you down. No one is perfect, no matter what they appear to claim to the contrary.







:


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

Oh wait I forgot to mention I use sposies and I really don't even care. The thought of cloth diapering 2 children is just beyond all reality for me. I figure I really need to list all of my imperfections here so there can be no doubt that I am NOT Perfect.

That is some scorching hot alliteration BTW


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## TheDivineMissE (Mar 31, 2006)

Yeah well, I own cloth diapers, and they're even home made - but my 1 year old is sporting a huggies tonight. Ok, I won't lie, she hasn't had a cloth diaper on her bum in at least two weeks. Burn me now and let the birds pick my bones!!









Funny Tangent: My grandma and her sister claim they are the only perfect people in the world. They have this grand delusion going that they have their own club and everything. Grandma, naturally, is the president. These crazy chicks even had panties screenprinted with Practically Perfect on them. My aunts have been lobbying for years to be allowed in the club, but grandma staunchly refuses to admit that anyone else can be as perfect as her.

Back to My Point:

It's funny, isn't it, how much a message board can effect your real life? No one I know in the real world honestly gives a rat's patootie what I do with my kids, but I feel like online people are watching my every move. Like y'all can actually SEE me or something.









Don't let it get to you. I'll still send you your Practically Perfect Underpants.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Haven't met any perfect parents here or IRL...but have met a lot of good parents looking to learn!


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

There are no perfect parents. Anyone who thinks they are one is delusional. And can you imagine the inferiority complex it would cause in a child to have a PERFECT parent? How could they ever live up to that? Better to be human.


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## lovemyfamily6 (Dec 27, 2006)

I'm far from a perfect parent. Hanging around here with the benefit of so many wise momma's is helping me do better though.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I am not perfect. Neither is dh.

My parents weren't perfect, and I have wonderful memories of my childhood. Perfection is not required!

In fact, as pp said, perfection isn't even desired. Your children will not be perfect, either! Better they learn from your (imperfect) example how to pick up, dust off, and try again when you fall.


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## sdm1024 (Sep 4, 2006)

There are NO perfect parents. Everyone has their moments, and some people might APPEAR perfect in one setting, but get them out of that setting and they might be a complete mess.

Children aren't perfect, and we don't expect them to be - so why do we place that expectation of prefection upon ourselves as parents?

to be perfect would mean never giving our children to see that adults make mistakes and how to handle that.

to be perfect would be living behind a veneer of perfectness, never really letting children see the wide array of emotions and conditions of being human.

Oh and TheMissDivineE might be the master of alleliteration (spelling!) but you have a great Sylvia Plath reference!!!

ETA: I let my kids watch TV, eat candy sometimes, and I hire my babysitter to come a day a week so that I can get stuff done without the kids. So much for me being perfect.......


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

i'm far, far from perfect but just try to take each day one by one and be the best Mom I can! Some days are harder then others but I take comfort in knowing I love my children and family more then anything and I try to do the best I can! I also know my faults and shortcomings and try to work on those!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I had a perfect mom. In her own mind. She always did what was the most right, ever. All the time. It has been a terrible lifelong burden, for all of us.

I am totally celebrating being an imperfect parent. Sometimes we watch DVDs. Sometimes we consume crappy food. And oh yes, we use disposable diapers.

I really want my son to see me enjoying his life, and my own.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellejar* 
all the perfect Gentle Discipline/AP parents here online

who? where?


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

I hear you. And I think the most significant part of the OP was: "Being surrounded by all the perfect Gentle Discipline/AP parents here online is killing my self-esteem." I totally hear you. And it took me a while to resolve that. A few things to keep in mind...

1.) People post their best- meaning, they post their advice from a comfy spot in their office when their kids are napping or playing quietly and they have a few peaceful minutes and have not been through the h*ll that the poster has and they see it from a totally "perfect" point of view- uninvolved emotionally and in hind-sight. Not to say that this is an "all bad" arrangement- sometimes a calm perspective is totally what we need- but often that "just perfect" advice is not actually being lived at the moment and not born of coping with the situation. So the people that hand out "perfect" advice can often do so because they are not in it. I'm not trying to get "a dig" in on anyone- I've given some very wise and sage advice for people in situations I have never even come close to being in







.

2.) Many, many people here (myself included) are more one thing than others... Some people are really into the GD stuff. Some people are very passionate about vaccines, circ, bf, sling, co-sleeping, etc. But pretty much no one is equally passionate and lives all of the "ideals" here. They just don't post. For example: We vax. My husband is a doctor. We are comfortable with that decision, but it is not something I go blasting around MDC saying. It would just cause me too much emotional strain. And I understand why some people don't vax. So, I just don't get into it around here. The point is, not all ideas are equal in terms of our own feelings or practice. Each board has its crusaders. They are not the same people- different people, different interests.

3.) Everything here on MDC is not right for everyone. You have the right to say- "Sure, co-sleeping has lots of benefits, but it isn't right for us." and skip it. None of us are "a package of MDC", and so we have to allow ourselves the right to make our own choices and recognize that that when we choose something else, we are not making a bad decision, we are living our life according to our own ideals and situations and that this is what makes us a good and real parent, not following all the "rules" of MDC (though, I obviously agree with most of them







). Because there is the impression that since MDC said it (or posters on MDC said it) it must be right so its right for everyone everytime is just not true.

4.) In terms of GD- My mantra when I am not the perfect parent is... "Kids are resillent. I was not abusive nor demeaning and they will recover from this small incident.... If I really was perfect, would that really make me a perfect parent? Would my son know me as a person? Would he understand the range of emotions and the process of fault and forgiveness? No. Being perfect is _not_ perfect...". I also feel that my son (and future children) _do_ have a part of the responsibility in their behavior and that I have a role in guiding them through. I found I was racked with guilt when I did the whole "What could I have done differently? If only I had... Why am I such a terrible mother that I let this happen? Why didn't I just....? And then I _yelled_! Someone save this child before I ruin him!" and I found that I was heaping guilt on myself and holding myself to impossible standards and forcing myself into this person I am not and meanwhile absolving my son of even the most simple and developmentally appropriate behavior expectations. I found that when I was able to block out what I "should" be doing, I was able to come to a middle ground. Now I am able to say "What could I have done differently?" and sometimes I can answer- "Nothing. I did the best I could and DS could have done better." That was huge for me. And it is _still_ GD







. And I found when I wasn't continually beating myself- that my failure of forsight didn't cause _every_ problem and that my failure of "the perfect response" didn't result in an unhealthy child, I didn't yell as much and had more ideas and patience.

It's hard to do sometimes, but take from here what helps, leave the rest, and know that NONE of us here are perfect.


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## highdesertmama (Aug 1, 2006)

*Alexsam*!

After being around message boards for awhile I have finally started to realize what you wrote about how other parents are writing from their comfortable place. I definitely don't fit in everywhere here on MDC, and that's ok. I have learned so much just from reading and my child and family has benefited.








to the OP!


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## Isamama (May 2, 2006)

Thank you for this thread!! I know I have had to stop reading this folder in the past b/c it would really affect my self esteem as well. I am feeling particularly bad right now b/c I yelled at my daughter and unwittingly hurt her physically about 45 minutes ago. I did go to her and appologize after I left the room briefly to cool off. I can see her face change after I appologize, so I know it helps the situation, but these are the times I hate being imperfect. Most of the time I can keep this in perspective (somewhat)--just having a difficult time lately.

I really appreciate all of your responses. And in keeping in fashion with the OP:

We (dh and I) use combo of sposies and cloth
We let her watch TV and videos
We lose our tempers and yell
We sometimes even take things away









Thanks also for reminding us that it is not good for our children to have perfect parents. I do feel, alot of the times, that it is my fault that she has angry outbursts (looks just like mine and dh's). What to do with my humanity!


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## ktarsha (Jul 30, 2006)

Love what alexsam wrote!

I'm also not a "perfect" parent. I weaned my son at 16 months so I could get my cycle back and TTC again. We stopped cosleeping when he started rolling around and kicking my face in his sleep. We vax, and he's circ'ed. In my ideal little world, up there in my mind, I would feed him all organic, locally grown, minimally processed food; never holler at him; never let him watch TV; never slack off at the computer when he wants attention; we'd always be doing fabulous craft projects; etc. But I'm finally realizing that, while I truly admire anyone who can live those ideals, that's not me. I do what I can, and leave what I can't. And that's okay. My son is happy, bright, curious, loving, and wonderful despite all my mistakes - real or perceived.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

both my daughters have reflux....my almost three year old never gives me an ounce of breathing space. my 10 week old pukes and cries feverishly, day and night, and the pitch is akin to fingernails scrapping against a chalkboard. every few days, the thought of pitching her out of a window comes involuntarily to my mind. and you want to talk about feeling imperfect?!? thank gawd i'm 42 and can handle this insanity....just barely.
now THAT'S imperfect.

xoe
(who always thinks "reflux baby" when she hears news stories about young parents who've shaken crying babies to death.)


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

I also love what Alexsam wrote.

I started with the intention of cloth diapering.

I still use them on occasion, but now we're mostly using disposable.

I've yelled at my oldest daughter out of frustration and hated myself afterward.

The worst thing I did, I pushed her off of me after telling her to get off of me ! at least a hundred times one day (about two months ago now).
I was depressed (came off Zoloft), I was in physical pain, aching all over, I was completely touched out that day, and she was pinching, smacking, climbing, kneeing me, for several hours.
I snapped, I said get off of me! and pushed her off my lap.
She fell from my lap to the ground and her eye hit a block.
The corner of the block cut her eyelid.







: at myself.
I still hate myself about that.
That is the worst thing I've ever done and now you all know how absolutely horrible I am.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
That is the worst thing I've ever done and now you all know how absolutely horrible I am.











You are not horrible! You are human.

That was a yucky moment. I've had them, too. Now, if that was your normal parenting style, and you thought that was just a fine way to parent, that would be a concern. But that is not the case at all!

We are so much gentler with our children than with ourselves. Heck, I can be gentler with *anyone* that I often am with myself!


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

First,







to the OP. I think if you hang out in this forum long enough, you'll see that we are all far from perfect! We are here to better ourselves as parents and to help one another. I have seen so many posts from people who slip up, are wallowing in guilt and who are buoyed by others here.

Second, alexsam made some great points. Posts here are snapshots of what we allow others to see. Some make themselves more vulnerable than others but, for the most part, we don't share all of our shortcomings -- here in GD or in any other forum. There was a guilty-confession thread a while ago though, and from that it was quite apparent that none of us here is perfect.

Also, as alexsam said, each person has different strengths and passions. You may see someone here in GD who has amazing advice and wisdom but who posts about her challenges bf, that she circ'ed her son and regrets it, that co-sleeping didn't work out, etc. (or maybe she will never share those things that have challenged her). The mama that really got me thinking about and challenging circ (unfortunately, after we'd already circ'ed our son) is a vehement defender of spanking and using hot sauce as punishment, for example. I think we can all benefit from exchanging information and acknowledging that different people may need more help in different areas.

Finally, not every AP practice is right for everyone. We only co-sleep for the first 6-7 months, for example, but I recognize that co-sleeping is wonderful for children who get to do it longer.

Anyhow, I hope we all can put the internet into perspective and follow our own individual journeys toward bettering ourselves as people and as parents. Comparing ourselves to others on-line can be a real pitfall, I think, since we only get to see what people post on selected topics and because we don't necessarily see each person's challenges and weaknesses. We ALL have them, I can assure you!

ETA: Oh, and PurityLake -- you are not horrible by a long shot although you may have felt horrible. You seem like a wonderful mama. I'm sure we could fill pages and pages with all of the mistakes each of us had made.


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## guestmama9904 (Jul 6, 2002)

i appreciate having this conversation here, being new to the boards, i am especially intimidated by the GD section because i feel like such a screw up as a mom when it comes to GD, i sometimes yell, i slam doors, use time outs too often, ect. but i have done lots of things "right" too, ive done things as a mom that i think make me a pretty ok mom like i breastfed my son until he was done at age 5. i did not circ him, i have loved loved loved him from the minute i klnew i was pregnant at age 19. i do lots of good stuff and sometimes i do bad stuff. its just hard.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arismama!* 
i do lots of good stuff and sometimes i do bad stuff. its just hard.

This is the perfect quote--just sums it right up for me!







:


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

I love where this thread has gone. I am happy to hear there are others like me out there. Thanks mamas, keep the stories coming.


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## jaxoms_mommy (Nov 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arismama!* 
i appreciate having this conversation here, being new to the boards, i am especially intimidated by the GD section because i feel like such a screw up as a mom when it comes to GD, i sometimes yell, i slam doors, use time outs too often, ect. but i have done lots of things "right" too, ive done things as a mom that i think make me a pretty ok mom like i breastfed my son until he was done at age 5. i did not circ him, i have loved loved loved him from the minute i klnew i was pregnant at age 19. i do lots of good stuff and sometimes i do bad stuff. its just hard.

Me too! I scream and throw things sometimes, and there are days when I sit at the computer or sewing machine and ignore ds because I want some mental time alone. This morning I let him eat veg hot dogs for breakfast and chips and salsa for lunch, b/c that's what he wanted to eat. But I guess I'm an ok mom too. I constantly beat myself up about all my mistakes and bad choices, I'm talking all the way back to birth, but also I know that I have always done the very best I know how to do. I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that. It is what it is.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

This morning I let him eat veg hot dogs for breakfast and chips and salsa for lunch, b/c that's what he wanted to eat.
This line goes to show you, that "bad" mama moment is one of my great parenting moments







We don't have food rules!

My point is, different people have different ideas and ideals. I don't think anyone should be beating themselves up -- learning and sharing and growing and hopefully becoming better parents because of it is what it is all about imo.

Also, different people are in different places on their path -- you know, I learned about all this AP GD stuff way before I was pregnant --- thankfully, but if I would have had a child at say, 23 instead of 28 there would have been a MUCH longer road to get me to where I am (and many more posts of where I went "wrong" --

For the record, we use disposables and although the environmental issues are a concern, living up to standards I don't think I could at this stage (no washer dryer, not enough for an initial stash, I am not willing to handwash diapers etc) outweighed that.

Also, our breastfeeding relationship was not successful much to my dismay, and I guilted myself for well over a year because of having to feed dd formula. Guess what, I dropped the guilt. Guilt is a useless emotion. Remorse for something you knowingly did that doesn't fit your moral or ethical code can be useful in growing and learning (sometimes), but beating yourself up in guilt ESPECIALLY over things you couldn't prevent, or couldn't go back and change after the fact is so damaging to our spirits imo.

All anyone can do is start with where they are.

Like Anne Shirley (of Green Gables







) said, Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it.


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## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

I am not even close to perfect, if perfect is defined by being textbook "AP." I'm only here because I breastfeed and try ("try" being the key word) to practice gentle discipline. I'm at least 50% what posters here would call "mainstream," maybe more. I do things my own way...of course that makes me "perfect" in my own mind.









Seriously, I have enough trouble keeping up with my own ideals; the last thing I need to do is keep up with anybody else's.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

...Also, I think it is totally legitimate to "take a break" from boards (or MDC all together














if you need time to reflect. Some boards I come and go. I can't allow myself to get too tied up in them or think about these issues too much or I find I start to loose my own perspective and center. Honestly, if GD is too much to swallow (or just too much at the moment because you're feeling very vulnerable), take a break. Find _you_, then come back. There is lots to learn and share, but it doesn't need to be all at once, all the time.


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## slsurface (May 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I am not perfect. Neither is dh.

My parents weren't perfect, and I have wonderful memories of my childhood. Perfection is not required!

In fact, as pp said, perfection isn't even desired. Your children will not be perfect, either! Better they learn from your (imperfect) example how to pick up, dust off, and try again when you fall.

Wonderfully said! I think we all sometimes get anxious about our parenting abilities...As mothers, just about everything in American media tries to make us feel like we're failing our children in some way: toxic toys, pesticides in our food, tainted breast milk, poor school systems, the list can go on and on... We are all human and subject to normal human emotions and that sometimes means that we may loose our cool when our toddler climbs on the kitchen table for the 541st time! But that's life. I think in the end, its the good memories that stick with us. And its how we learn and grow from our mistakes that defines us.

BTW: My dh and I always joke that we were perfect parents _until_ we had our own child!


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom* 
Ha! Not perfect by a loooooong shot!

OT: Love your sig! I had friends who had an "Emma" weeks before "Ross and Rachel" did on Friends. They felt the same as you!









I have to agree...none of us are perfect, and many of us here in the GD forum are hybrid APer's. We use what works for us and what jives with our instincts.

I just try to be open to new ideas and continually improving my parenting skills.

I also like your sig line!














But then I'm a big BA/JG fan.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellejar* 
I love where this thread has gone. I am happy to hear there are others like me out there. Thanks mamas, keep the stories coming.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, I'm not perfect either. But fortunately, I know everything! You should try that, instead.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Subbing - dh needs the computer but I want to come back and read. Love this thread and us imperfect mamas! Yep! That's life, that's us!!


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## Synchro246 (Aug 8, 2005)

I have to say that the guilt of imperfection has hit me too. The positive side of this guilt is that it comes from a good plce. It means you have certain standards, you *know* what you ideally would like your parenting to look like, you want good things for your kids. The problem with haivng ideals is guilt when the ideals aren't being lived up to! I will not drop my ideals, but I will drop the guilt, like a PP said, it's usually not too functional (though it can be in small doses for learning).

I do the best I can with the resources I have at the moment. My biggest resource as a parent is inside me, and I don't know if there's a word for it, but sometimes I don't have a lot of it & I yell, or swear, or spank even. Do I condone those behaviors? NO. Do I understand that it's hard to avoid our own negative behaviors, TOTALLY! When my expectations for myself become more realistic it's easier for my expectaions of my children to also be realistic. They don't have to be perfect all the time. We all are trying, learning, & growing. The goal is to keep trying, learning, & growing. . .I do hope that one day I become the Zen Master of parenting & I am perfect. No guilt if I don't though


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
who? where?

Yeah ... wha?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
I also love what Alexsam wrote.

I started with the intention of cloth diapering.

I still use them on occasion, but now we're mostly using disposable.

I've yelled at my oldest daughter out of frustration and hated myself afterward.

The worst thing I did, I pushed her off of me after telling her to get off of me ! at least a hundred times one day (about two months ago now).
I was depressed (came off Zoloft), I was in physical pain, aching all over, I was completely touched out that day, and she was pinching, smacking, climbing, kneeing me, for several hours.
I snapped, I said get off of me! and pushed her off my lap.
She fell from my lap to the ground and her eye hit a block.
The corner of the block cut her eyelid.







: at myself.
I still hate myself about that.
That is the worst thing I've ever done and now you all know how absolutely horrible I am.


















I'm so sorry, it is so hard sometimes. You sound like a lovely mother. Getting off Zoloft cold turkey can screw your head up in so many ways.

As for perfection, my dad (who is a recovering alcoholic and has such wise, forgiving sayings) always says, "If that's the worst thing you do all day, you're doing pretty well." I hang on to that with my fingertips some days. That and, "You can do anything for 12 hours." or whatever time left until Dh comes home and I can toss the baby up in the air and tell Henry, "Go ask your dad."


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## jsmith2279 (Jan 12, 2007)

I am imperfect!!! And I went through an MDC sabbatical because it was also harmful to my self-esteem, especially through my PPD.

I use sposies.
I sometimes yell.
I say "no" a lot.
I find playtime to be pretty boring.
I let DS drink a lot of juice.
I have told DS to shut up.
I use the TV as a break for me way too often.

I have felt insane amounts of guilt over all these things. BUT I know I am doing the best I can, and I know I've improved so much since he was born. I try not to apologize anymore, and I don't try to defend myself anymore either. The perfectionist in me still berates me, but it's letting up.... well, slowly!


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 







I am crap!









NO YOUR NOT!!!!!!!!








s to all the mamas here!!! being a mom/dad has to be the most stressful/loving/happy job their is!!!

bless you all i live vi-carelessly (sp) through all of you









so i can only imagine so bless you all!!


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## theirmomjayne (Mar 21, 2006)

We are all human!!!!

(I don't like cosleeping, either, though we've done it at times.)


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I can tell you that I'm a lot better parent of _other people's children_, when I'm parenting via a message board! It's always easier to parent theoretically than in practice.

And our son forgot to read the part of the AP book that said that babywearing is best. He HATED to be worn. With a passion. Especially if he couldn't see out. He was never cuddly, slept best alone, with his blanket pulled over his head. (He slept in his crib until he was 5!) He was having a rough night the other night, and I said "why don't you come snuggle with me on the bed." So, he climbed into the bed, laid down on dh's pillow about 2 feet away from me and turned his back on me. Some snuggling!







When he's cranky, he _needs_ space.

And here is my contribution to the not perfect parent expo:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=752391


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
IIsnapped, I said get off of me! and pushed her off my lap.
She fell from my lap to the ground and her eye hit a block.
The corner of the block cut her eyelid.







: at myself.
I still hate myself about that.
That is the worst thing I've ever done and now you all know how absolutely horrible I am.










You had a bad moment.

I've spanked my kids







: in moments of frustration. Both of them. 2-3 each. Even though I swore I would never ever do it. My impulse control needs work and those old instincts die hard. I feel very very guilty about that.

I've yelled at my kids. I have told them to get away from me.

I've pushed them off me.

I've plopped them in their beds none too gently.

I do apologize. I do work toward being better. But I also fail regularly. I figure it's my way of showing my kids how to be human and how to make a decent apology.


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## Kat_shoshin (Feb 16, 2007)

We do alot of good things, co-sleep, CD, no circ/vax and BF... but tonight I wanted to quit.

When 8:00 came tonight and my DH was still not home, It seemed to me that I was "off duty" and let DS cry in the exersaucer for 5 -10 mins (most of it complain cry - not fire alarm cry) before leaving what I was doing to go get him.

Then, after trying to nurse him, rock him and squash him to sleep, (while he fussed and whinned) I let him cry in the crib while I sat there and watched blankly, occassionaly getting up to stroke his sleep spot and lay him back down...

I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.

So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kat_shoshin* 
We do alot of good things, co-sleep, CD, no circ/vax and BF... but tonight I wanted to quit.

When 8:00 came tonight and my DH was still not home, It seemed to me that I was "off duty" and let DS cry in the exersaucer for 5 -10 mins (most of it complain cry - not fire alarm cry) before leaving what I was doing to go get him.

Then, after trying to nurse him, rock him and squash him to sleep, (while he fussed and whinned) I let him cry in the crib while I sat there and watched blankly, occassionaly getting up to stroke his sleep spot and lay him back down...

I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.

So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.

Nothing wrong here! Sometimes that happens. Not even the "perfect mom" can stop or prevent all crying. It happens.

And no one said you have to like being pregnant!









And nothing wrong with "onlies" either!


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kat_shoshin* 
I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.
So there was my imperfect night - oh yeah - and I HATED being pregnant so much that I have considered stopping at one child.

You know, since dd#1 was born (and all the way until she was almost 2 yrs old) she has been determined to CRY A LOT. She's still a whiner and crier.







But when I came on this board I wanted to HANG MYSELF because I thought I was doing something wrong - why couldn't I make her stop crying? I slung her TONS, co-sleep, she got breastmilk, organic foods, plenty of attention, stimulation, etc. etc. etc. I used to let her cry in arms because it was The Right Thing To Do but sometimes I'd feel so frustrated and angry that I wanted to jump out the window!!! Nothing seemed to help!!!

Until I could finally distance myself a little bit and say, "Hey, being a good mother is not about never having your child cry," and it's okay to put her down a bit esp. when I feel rage (hahahaha - okay no, this is serious), and I have needs too, and so do others in the family, etc etc etc I started to regain some sanity. When I no longer let my life be ruled by trying to make her stop crying and stopped judging myself as imperfect because she's a kid who cries a lot, I felt much better. So







, I can relate. I think it's perfectly fine to take a break when you see that no matter what you are doing nothing helps, and you're at the end of your rope.


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

"Until I could finally distance myself a little bit and say, "Hey, being a good mother is not about never having your child cry," and it's okay to put her down a bit esp. when I feel rage (hahahaha - okay no, this is serious), and I have needs too, and so do others in the family, etc etc etc I started to regain some sanity. When I no longer let my life be ruled by trying to make her stop crying and stopped judging myself as imperfect because she's a kid who cries a lot, I felt much better. "

I think part of being a good parent is showing your child that it is okay to take time for you sometimes as well. As a roll model, I think you show that it is okay to value yourself too. I tend to be a people pleaser, it's how I was raised but as I have gotten older I realise that never taking time for yourself tends to affect your self-esteem.


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## Nora'sMama (Apr 8, 2005)

I have been feeling this guilt today, too! I think probably because I hosted Thanksgiving this year and spent all day in the kitchen while dd careened around like a billiard ball. I really did not connect with her as much as usual today.

I also did something REALLY STUPID that is totally just my childhood programming rearing its ugly head, and which tends to happen in the presence of my mom and dad or other family members...I told dd it was "not polite" to tell my cousin she didn't want to sit by him. He said, "come sit by me" and she said "no" and I said "that's not polite!" - I have NO idea why I said that. Of course she didn't want to sit by him, she barely knows the guy. I so do not want to raise dd like I was raised, where being "polite" was much much more important than my own boundaries or comfort level.

I mean jeez do I want to raise her to think it's "not polite" to refuse an invitation to sit next to a strange guy?!?

I talked w/ dh about this and he thinks I'm just tired and making a mountain out of a molehill, but when I hear myself say STUPID stuff that is directly contrary to how I parent, I just want to kick myself. Hard. In the head.

But on the bright side, of course I didn't (and would never) *make* my dd sit with my cousin. And perhaps this is a wake-up call that I need to be more aware of when I channel my mother and her emphasis on politeness at all costs.

I have two other things (besides the politeness/channeling my mom issue) that give me GREAT guilt pangs all the time: a) bickering with dh or being too critical/snarky with him, in front of dd - what a great model of adult relationships I'm showing her, huh? and b) lazy parenting...I'm usually quite engaged but I have many, many days where I just zone out and she plays by herself a LOT or







: watches TV and DVDs far more than in my rational mind I think she should.

Oh the TV guilt I have. And yet somehow I can't chuck the thing out the window.

But with all that, I think I am generally a pretty good mom; I have my good days and my bad days. On my good days I pretty much rock.







On my bad days I'm still not anywhere near the kind of bad days my own parents had...so I am improving, hopefully breaking the cycle.


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## Imogen (Jul 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellejar* 
I admit it. I am not a perfect parent. I try. Sometimes my decisions are not perfect. Sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I yell. I don't like it, but it happens.

I know I shouldn't. I am not 100% AP. I don't want my children co-sleeping, it is just what has worked for us. I weaned my 26 month old instead of CLW and tandem nursing with our next child.

Being surrounded by all the perfect Gentle Discipline/AP parents here online is killing my self-esteem. I just want to see if anyone out there is imperfect like me.

If it's any consolation, I'm always struggling as a parent. I try to live consensually, but it is a constant battle to be 100% aware.

I used to beat myself up constantly when I came to MDC, because I'd not done this, or I'd not done that when my son was a baby. But I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it and strive for something better.

It's probably best to not demand so much of ourselves and feel that we have to tick boxes in the AP checklist, because each individual family is different and what might work for some, will not work for others. It's about being the best you can, with the knowledge that you have and creating an environment that suit the needs of everyone.

Peace


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kat_shoshin* 
I mostly wanted to see if learning the alternative to being rocked and nursed to sleep would make him appreciate it more when I freed him and sooked him. It did briefly, then I had to go to my old standby of watching TV with him in my arms until he is asleep. This is going to get old REALLY fast people - I don't want to cry it out - really I don't, but he seems determined to cry no matter what I do.

You know, when my daughter was younger (and still now on occasion), sometimes she just wanted a silent witness to her misery. If I rocked her, she cried. If I tried to cradle her, she would fight and scream. Tried to get her to nurse, she cried. Tried to sing or otherwise coo her to sleep, she cried. Tried to wear her on my back, she'd try to lean back and out of the carrier. Tried to sleep with her in our bed, she'd flail around, head butt me, and cry. Put her down in the crib to walk away for a moment of sanity? She'd SCREAM hysterically. So, after I recomposed myself, I would just sit in the rocker with her on my lap on a Boppy, and rock silently while she cried until she would calm down on her own and fall asleep.







:

SO emotionally draining. But SO her personality. It used to happen 3, 4 nights a week.







: Now it happens a couple times a month, but I know the drill so I don't try to "help" anymore - I'm just there, present for her the way she needs me to be, and that's the fastest, most humane way to get her to sleep, to let her get it all out and cry on my lap. I NEVER in a million years thought that I would be okay with it, but anything else I've tried when she's in that particular place only makes things worse.

re: perfection and GD parenting, I think it's also important to remember that posters here offer what they think would be the best response in any given situation, the response they'd like to think they would give...not necessarily the response they *would* give in a similarly stressful situation. Sometimes the responses I give are the ones I give myself in similar situations. Sometimes I don't follow my own advice.







SO I regroup, apologize, and start over again. I enojy reading about the ideal responses, because it helps me plan for next time for myself. I don't feel badly about fallign short of my ideals, I just keep them as ideals to strive for and work towards, not a bar to measure my own worth as a parent. I know that even on my worst days, my kids are being parented more gently than many children so I try to not sweat the times that I fall short of my ideals. The fact that I am always trying to be gentle, always striving to be respectful is, to me, a very important part.

AND...perfection is highly overrated. I have n odesire to be perfect, and never want my kids to think I expect them to be perfect. It's the imperfections that make us interesting, and *human*.


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## Kat_shoshin (Feb 16, 2007)

I just wanted to say that the day after my night from hell - a low point in my parenting, my child just... went... to... sleep. And stayed there.

It was so weird. I feel like I do the same things everyday and alot of it is just him - but maybe he and I both needed that crappy night to get to last nights "best night of sleep yet in his life". He is sleeping, without a struggle, right now.


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Thank god for this thread!

I am so far from perfect!!!!

I use disposables, let her watch TV, get mad, etc. etc.

And Horror of all Horrors, I even let her eat at McDonald's once!

Not to mention the time she FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!







Baby's first CT Scan!

I thought I would be a much, much better mother. I just keep trucking away at it, trying to do the best that I can.

I definitely have to take breaks from MDC. I try to only come for specific information and not just to waste time. Unfortunately there are some people (on every board) who just have a knack for making people feel bad. I try to remind myself that some people may pass themselves off as perfect and enjoy being condescending, but they just don't talk about all their problems. But they've got 'em. No doubt about that.


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

You ladies give me hope. With my first on the way, I keep thinking, "there's no way I could ____ like _everyone_ on MDC."

I need to remind myself that everyone's not really everyone.


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## MommyTorf (Nov 9, 2004)

I love this thread! I agree with the OP that sometimes it just kills my self esteem to come to MDC. Here's my laundry list of 'imperfections':

1. I work outside of the home. My son goes to daycare. And he LOVES it there. And I LOVE my job.

2. We eat at McDonald's (and Taco Bell and Jimmy John's and Panera and Moe's and Fazoli's......).

3. We have some character toys- mostly Thomas the Tank Engine, but some (gasp) Disney (gasp).

4. We watch a Thomas DVD almost every day.

5. I have yelled at DS more than once.

We do co-sleep, I cloth diapered for two solid years, I pumped for ONE ENTIRE YEAR due to breastfeeding getting off to a bad start (I still have wrist pain, no joke), we selectively vax, I buy mostly organic groceries, I try to maintain a green home, I try SO hard to GD, etc.

I have to add that I have learned SO MUCH from the mammas here at MDC and I am forever grateful to my friend Stacy for turning me on to it. I'm working hard to be the best parent that I can and I think that overall I'm doing a fabulous job!


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## mackysmama (Jan 11, 2005)

I am not perfect. I don't even strive for it. Really, can you imagine how screwed up your kids would be if you were perfect? Those are some really big shoes to fill! How could they ever live up to the self-imposed expectations of having a perfect parent. The therapy bills!!! So, I think I'm a pretty good mom by regularly messing up and making lots and lots of mistakes.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
Unfortunately there are some people (on every board) who just have a knack for making people feel bad. I try to remind myself that some people may pass themselves off as perfect and enjoy being condescending, but they just don't talk about all their problems. But they've got 'em. No doubt about that.

The interesting thing is that the extreme voices are not helpful, to me at least. My life (and I'm sure that of many others on here) requires a more nuanced reading of a situation, one size does NOT fit all. And as a person who suffered from PPD and rage issues, the suggestions that actively helped get me (and my whole family) to feel better were a mixture of GD and more mainstreamish stuff.......plus a healthy blob of AP. When I read about these poor mothers on here who are suffering so badly with the AP/GD style and it is clearly not working for their family right now, to hear "TOO BAD. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE." ....this bothers me.







Rant finished now.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Honestly, 89% of the time I don't know why I am addicted to MDC.







: My kids can eat their halloween candy, watch TV, play with plastic, eat meat, drink soda at paties, (I love Diet Coke, fi.







Although I try to self regulate. lol) play Gameboy, go to school (we're half and haf for school VS hs) and go to bed whenever they want to. They also have chores & play Pokemon.

I think I hang on because I've been a Mothering reader for over 20 years and can't figure out how to replace it.


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## Naturalway (Sep 8, 2006)

Nobody is a perfect parent. All we can do it try our best and learn from mistakes. I lose my temper from time to time and yell at my oldest DS, at times I neglet him a little(he's 10) and pay more attention to my 1 year old. I have tremendous guilt over this since he was an only child for nearly 9 years. I'm working on that and I think I'm a good parent because I know the things I need to work on and try hard to better myself. Nobody is perfect. Seems to me, from experience that most people that act like they are perfect are the ones that are FAR from it.







:


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emese'sMom* 
The interesting thing is that the extreme voices are not helpful, to me at least.

Isn't it interesting that judgment and shaming are as ineffective with adults as with kids?!


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sdm1024* 
There are NO perfect parents.









:


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
Isn't it interesting that judgment and shaming are as ineffective with adults as with kids?!









THis is just so true. Adults are stubborn and defensive like my two year old


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I'm not perfect but I'm much better than I would be without MDC!


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## mahna_mahna (May 3, 2006)

Far from perfect and I'm a brand new single Mommy...so, ACK!

I don't always co-sleep, I like my space, he'll start out the night in his bed and then I'll move him into mine.
There was a night that I let my son "cry it out" because I was so flustered I burst into tears.

And honestly, there are a lot of things that I just refuse to tell anyone on here for the particular purpose that I think it's ridiculous to get flamed for a choice that I made that I more than likely can't take away or change in any way. Now, educating people in a calm, not at all aggressive manner to try to help them in future decisions is one thing. But arguing over the fact that someone didn't BF all the way to a certain age is like beating a dead horse.

Yaw, dead horse.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
Isn't it interesting that judgment and shaming are as ineffective with adults as with kids?!









And isn't this the irony with so many posts here? I'm constantly amazed by how we women treat each other here while advocating such gentle and respectful treatment of our children. It's baffling....

I'm SO far from perfect I don't even know where to start. But I do my best everyday (on VERY little sleep, thanks to ds#2!) and that's really all I can do.

I can relate to those of you who question why you come here.







I do, too, but I'm addicted! I get a lot of good tips and it also keeps me aware throughout the day of my interactions with my kids. So, for me, that's a good reason to sometimes get kicked down a notch or two around here!


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
Honestly, 89% of the time I don't know why I am addicted to MDC.







: My kids can eat their halloween candy, watch TV, play with plastic, eat meat, drink soda at paties, (I love Diet Coke, fi.







Although I try to self regulate. lol) play Gameboy, go to school (we're half and haf for school VS hs) and go to bed whenever they want to. They also have chores & play Pokemon. I think I hang on because I've been a Mothering reader for over 20 years and can't figure out how to replace it.

I KWYM. There are some great suggestions, ideas and discussions on this board and in the magazine. Perhaps we stick because some of the philosophies resonate with us so much. I know for myself it helps shape most of my daily interactions with dd.....and jives with me ideologically.....but sometimes in the lived experience I have to tweak my approach. Just great for idea generation at the very least.







My two cents!


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
And isn't this the irony with so many posts here? I'm constantly amazed by how we women treat each other here while advocating such gentle and respectful treatment of our children. It's baffling....











I keep telling my self I will not come back, but yet here I am.

Not perfect here too. Ummm, I use sposies at night for fear of the staph is still in my cloth stash. At times I get a bit frustrated when DS won't get ready to take DH to the train(just happened today). Some night DS stays up too late. I have raised my voice some times to get the point across.

But alas, we are all wonderful parents because we keep trying to do the best for our children. Oh, and we don't give up







hehe


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