# It's all in my head



## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm not feeling this loss yet. Not really. I don't think I am. I mean, I know that not everyone feels the same things but... I just don't feel nearly as sad or upset as everyone seems to think I should/will. I get a little weepy now and then. I cried at the doctors when she confirmed the miscarriage. But I think the entire experience is still a brain thing for me. I am reading in books and online about what is happening in my body. I am logicing the whole thing. Am I a freak??? I really, really wanted this baby. I was SO happy when I found I was pregnant. How can the loss leave me so lukewarm? Is this normal? Do some people just not grieve miscarriages much? Or am I just putting off the inevitable and one day it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks?


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

You sound really normal to me. After I found out during labor that my baby had died, I was laughing and joking with people. It was very bizarre, but I was in shock and that was how I coped with it. So, no, I don't think you're a freak. Just a very normal mom who wasn't expecting this at all. It is a blessing that we're able to distance ourselves from it for a while. I think it would be too hard to absorb all at once.

And I'm sorry...

Katherine


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## China white (Mar 29, 2004)

Although I have never been through what you are experiencing, (SO sorry Kama) I think it's your minds way of protecting you; distancing yourself until you are emotionally able to handle the reality of your situation. I know for me, when my father died, I was reacting similarly (to the point of cracking a joke while writing his eulogy !







) For the first few days, maybe even weeks, I was too numb to even cry, because if I cried, then I was admitting he was truly gone. That may not make sense to you, because our situations are different, but once I was able to see what was going on, I also gave myself "permission to grieve".

I'm not trying to compare my experience to yours, and I have never felt the pain of losing a much-wanted child, but I think what you are feeling is normal, and it does not mean you don't miss your baby - just that the full reality of it hasn't hit you yet.

I wish you strength for the journey on which you are about to embark - please remember to take care of your physical self (drink plenty of water, eat often, rest as often as you can) so that when your emotions take hold of you, you are able to work through them.








China white


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I completely agree with Katherine. I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for my d&c and laughing and joking with the nurses. Even when I ended up in hospital 10 days later due to an infection (I'm on a heavy steroid dose that crashed my immune system) I was still numb, everyone was tiptoeing around me and I just couldn't figure out why, I thought I was a freak too. Then a week after I was released, I was on a mission of getting pregnant again and at my recheck asked my OB when we could start. She looked at me and said "I know you're really good at hiding it but I can tell you're devastated" That sent me to the couch for a week. I think if I had had the forethought to see it before she said that to me it wouldn't have hit me so hard. I think we need that numbness at the start, otherwise it would just be way too hard. The sad part is that when the numbness wears off, everyone else thinks you've already processed it and you're alright now. (but not here, here we all know it stays with you)
I hope I don't sound too pessimistic here, that's not my intention, but I'm in a very down mood now and I'm not sure how I'm coming across.
Take care, all your feelings are normal, and they may change, and if nowhere else, we will be here for you when they do.


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

Kama - I had a feeling it might be like this for you. Remember when I got a positive pregnancy test and three or four weeks later my period came? I was sad. But I haven't thought about since. But your story is so much different. I barely had time to realize I was pregnant - and I never did trust myself with those tests anyway; I think it's really easy to see another line when you want to. Sweety, you went around for 6 weeks thinking you were still pregnant when you were not. It's hard even for me to wrap my mind around that! I think you're guarding yourself. I know you like to be cynical (







), honey, but this time you've got to let it out!







Of course, you know, I could be wrong! I've misjudged you before! Remember I thought you were a Grammar Queen!


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

I noticed that my response to my miscarriages was quite mild compared to the responses of many other mamas. I felt more *annoyed* that I had to start over. I was disappointed, but not devastated. Compared to other mamas who went to support groups and suffered for months, I felt pretty ok.

My m/c before my first child was harder than my m/c before my second, because I knew I could conceive and carry a child to term.










Everyone is different.

xoox pam


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, ParisMaman.... It's hard to be known so intimately by one I've never met. You are right of course. *6 weeks!* Every moment of morning sickness was a freakish hormonal scam!

I did the same thing when my mom died of cancer. I read and learned. I drove her to appts. I cared for her. I knew... I knew where that road would end. And still... it knocked me on my ass.

I think I know what I am waiting for. By sheer luck one of my best girlfriends is coming in on Thursday for our annual fishing tournament. We will drink champagne in my front yard and she will listen and watch Bonnie and hand my tissues as long as needed. This is a thing we do for each other.

It's just that right now, I feel sort of numb and distant... and it feels wrong. I couldn't even find this forum when I logged on to check this thread. It literally took me five minutes to find it.

Blah blah brain talk....


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm totally feeling you Kama. I just feel like I'm watching it through a window or something...


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

One of my best friends lost her pregnancy last year. A couple of weeks later she went on her annual trip to meet up with her two oldest and dearest friends. Says she sat around drinking beer in the hottub while they handed her the tissues. It will be good for you!


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Kama, it has always taken me a while to get to the deep grief part of losing a pregnancy. I rationalize, and make excuses, and reason, and debate, for days, even weeks after. Sometimes longer.

When it all settles in and starts to hurt, it's always a shock, and always so painful, and it's always so hard.

I want to add my voice to the rest that whatever you are feeling or not feeling right now is okay. What you feel tomorrow, or a week from now, that's okay too. The same, a month from now, and onward.

Just know that you don't have to do this alone. There are lots of arms and shoulders here, and they're really good at comforting.

I'm thinking of you...


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Pam, thanks for mentioning the "annoyed" part, I have felt that each time but just thought it was so weird that my big concern after loosing a baby was the fact that I would have to start over again and do the whole 'first stage' again.
Kama, have a nice time with your friend, I wish I could have done that especially this last time but my best friend lives in Calgary and neither of us could make the flight--it's so much better in person with a good stiff drink


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Kama,
As someone else who has just suffered a loss (we got the news on Tues, after thinking we were pg for 5 wks) I can totally relate! My last m/c I was devastated, grieved & bled for a week, and then was able to pick up and keep going to some extent. This time round, I'm in this really weird numb place, I'm functioning well at work (in a high stress new job that ironically also started Tues.), and at home only cry when sharing the news w/a new person. I'm not bleeding and don't know when that will start, but I imagine that will shake some of this emotion loose. I know myself and I know that if I don't feel it know it will come & get me later. But right now I'm just in this ok mode, and I really feel I am doing ok....a very strange feeling...
In any case, my advice to you is to feel however the h*** you want to! However you feel right now is perfectly okay! (I found myself feeling fine yesterday other than irrationally hating every person I saw with a baby!) today is a bit harder because I had to get a blood test...another marker on the path...

Must go, but sending you a







& saying I can totally relate....


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Ha! Babes and pregnant women EVERYWHERE! My husband looks at me when we stopped to get food and said something about how hard it must be to see them... at that moment I was honestly finding it quite funny.


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## IslandMamma (Jun 12, 2003)

Kama, I felt a pervasive numbness for several days; it wasn't until I was attending a funeral of a young woman (that I couldn't save after an accident) that grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was feeling gried for all the mothers in the world who have lost their babies.

Now, I'm angry. Sad and angry, and confused, but I know it's all part of the process.

I believe your heart will grieve in the way best for you. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the space to feel, and it will come. It will.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Kama, I really didn't feel much after my first two miscarriages. I don't know why? It just didn't hit me? I was pleanty pissed at my body and the fact that I desperately wanted a baby, but I wasn't sad and wishy washy. Even now 13 years later, it seems odd to me.

I think we all grieve in a way that's comfortable for our body. Grief is a very personal thing and we all feel and deal with it differently.

Please do take care of yourself. Drink tons of water and eat small but healthy meals. Try to get some rest and do what feels right for YOU


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I was sad but it was all so quick and confusing. I mean life around you carries on. Especially when you have other kids. I couldn't just lay in bed and cry or anything like that. I had to hold it together for the kids. A couple of weeks afterwards I reallylost it. The kids (besides the 1 year old) were sleeping at my parent's house. I just laid in bed and cried for hours. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant. I think people thought that since I already had five kids it was no big deal, maybe I thought that too at first. I don't know. Now when friends/acquaintances are announcing their pregnancies and are due when I would've been I'm VERY sad.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear Kama,
The mind is very kind and it often transports us into shock and numbness when we need it the most. ALso, the one thing I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone grieves in their own way that is best for them. I have heard somebody say that how long you grieve and how hard you cry is not a reflection of how much you loved them. THat was helpful to me. I hope you find peace in your period of mourning.
Gossamer


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

It's so personal, who knows what's normal. Or maybe it's better to say that whatever you're feeling is normal. Normal for you.










Hoping you're taking good care of yourself physically as well as the rest of the ways ... and hugging your DH a lot, too. Not the same for them, obviously, but they share the loss ... is he able to open about it? And please don't feel compelled to answer that if you don't want to.

For me, each time I reacted differently. Again, no way to know what's normal until you go through it ...


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