# I got cited for harrassment---should I fight it?



## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I have no idea where to put this thread....mods please move me where i belong!!!









If you would like to know the backstory on dh and I there are other threads in PaP forum about it. Basically, my dilemma is that I got cited for harrassment and I think it was unfair. Here is myu story as I told it to the police:

Dh and I got into a verbal disagreement before and while I was nursing or 14 month old ds in our bed. Right after i had finished nursing ds, ds was lying right beside me as dh leaned over and punched me in the face. At first i though he would stop there, but he continued to hit me in the face as I crawled along the bed away from ds, to keep him from accidentally aiming the blows at ds. I did not try to stop him or hit him back but was focused on protecting ymself and keeping him aimed at me and not ds.

After I started screaming (because I was terrified, was off the bed and he was grabbing me, throwing me to the floor and continnuing to beat me) his mother and stepfather came running in to see what was happening. I told them what had happened. He tried to downplay it and said to them that he hit me the way he would hit his little brother, i suppose meaning not with full force, and not that much. I responded by saying to his mother and stepfather (NOT TO HIM) "he hit me here and here and here like this and like this" while demostrating on dh who was sitting on the bed. I was HOLDING my ds at that time, so I obviously was not fighting with dh or engaging in "mutual combat" as the officer called it. i did not punch dh hard enough to hurt him AT ALL. I have no way to prove this (he says I hit him hard---yes, i was angry, but I was not beating him up) except for teh fact that he was perfectly fine, while I had to seek medical treatment at the ER.

The police officer, when he came, seemed really irritated to have been called out and kept saying "i'm not coming back in an hour when you guys make up and then have another fight." I don't know why he would say that when from the moment he walked in the door I kept asking for help leaving. He also OFFERED to dh to cite me for harrassment, based on the fact that dh said I hit him. however, when I said that dh had beaten me up, he said "i don't see any marks on you. I can't do anything." My face was already swelling up at that point...it was commented on by several people. I never bruised visibly in the face...maybe because i have darker skin, but I never bruise. i have had sme serious accidents and only x-rays showed the injury. This does not mean i was making up what happened. The officer did cite him for harrassment because I insisted, but of course after he offered to cite me dh wanted him to.

Now i am trying to obtain a permanent order of protection for both me and my ds. I have to plead guilty or not guilty to the harrassment charge by tomorrow, since it will have been ten days sicne the incident. If I plead guilty, it wil go on my (until now spotless) record. I'm worried that it will make me look "just as bad" as dh in the eyes of any judge during custody/divorce/protective order issues.

If I plead not guilty, I will have to travel back to PA for a hearing. I am now in VA, 6 hours away. The fine is over $200. I can't even pay it right now anyway, because unlike my dh I don't have people sitting at every corner with cash waiting to bail me out.









does anyone here have any law enforcement-type insight on this?


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Not a lawyer, but I would never plead guilty to anything. It sounds to me like you may possibly be having a custody case going on soon and I don't think you want something like that on your record? I would try as hard as possible to fight it. At the very least, do you have the option of pleading no-contest?

I think I might also be tempted to file a complaint against the officer if you felt he wasn't taking your situation seriously.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Holy smokes.

Absolutely do NOT plead guilty. It says you are a single mom but you are talking about your husband, so was this some time ago?

You may have to travel but you are the victim of assault and spousal abuse here... so why on EARTH would you plead guilty?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't think you should plead guilty to anything. You're the victim here, plain and simple. Having a charge for harrassment agains the abuser can seriously weaken your case against him, making it harder for you to protect yourself and DC.

You need a lawyer NOW! Contact the shelter or Domestic Violence Coalition in the area you're currently staying for advice. There might be a way to avoid going back to the other state for court since it might put you at risk of contact with the abuser.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

You are not guilty...so please do NOT plead guilty. These next few months (and even the next year) will be hard...but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!!!!

Saying more prayers for you and your young one. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you will be stronger for it and although it feels like he's gaining on you, he's desperate and taking desperate measures. You did NOTHING wrong, you are a victim of abuse and your abuser knows that he'll be seen for all he is.

HUGS!


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

You better fight it or he could use it in a custody hearing against you. Also, you need to contact the local domestic violence shelter about how that cop treated you. I hope you went to the ER to document the whole thing. Please fight back. He will use this against you with your child. Even if you think he won't, he will.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

oh mama. big hugs. im sorry he did this to you. what a UAV. get him. get him good, and report that AWFUL PO. dont let either one of them get away with treating you that way. good luck.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I'm really confused as to why the police officer would do this.... Have they been out to your house for this sort of thing before? Did the hospital document any marks on you? Don't even think about pleading guilty at this point.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
I'm really confused as to why the police officer would do this.... Have they been out to your house for this sort of thing before? Did the hospital document any marks on you? Don't even think about pleading guilty at this point.

No, I had never called 911 from that address before. The police officer was a jerk, i hate to sound disrespctful of someone in that position, because I realize that people have bad days, get frustrated, have a difficult job, etc. but he was a jerk to me. he really wouldn't even let me speak, but he allowed my dh to go on at length about how disrespectful and defiant I was.
The other officer who came out later was much kinder, but att that point the ticket for harrassment was already written. I could tell he realized that officer #1 was beign a little rough, because he told him to just carry my stuff and not deal with me or the baby. Then when we got into the car to drive to the shelter, he was chatting amicably with me and asking how I was, etc.

I already called the chief of police and complained. he did not care in the least. I was thinking about checking out the local paper.....but i don't know if that's a bad idea. The woman at the shelter said they hear those kinds of stories ALL the time, so I'm inclined to think there's a genuine problem in that regard and that it wasn't something I said or did. And I think if there is a problem it needs to be brought to light and dealt with, because that citation is creating a heap of trouble for me now.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

You poor thing. I hope you are physically ok now and in a safe place. Please do not plead guilty.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

GET A LAWYER NOW!!

and that lawyer will ikely advise you to plead not guilty.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Get a lawyer. Since you've been charged, you are entitled to one, even if you cannot afford it.

Don't plead guilty to anything. The worst that will happen is that you'll have to explain what you did in court. If it's what you were explaining to your inlaws, a sane judge will probably understand. (They're not all sane, which is why you need a lawyer.)

What you should be mad about is that your dh was cited for 'harassment' and not assault!


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

This makes me really







What a bunch of BS.
Do not plead guilty!!! I would try to figure out a way to get a lawyer and I would fight it big time. I am always surprised at how rude police officers are in my city and I know that they have a hard job but man it's hard to respect them as a whole sometimes. Like LynnS6, I always thought that you'd be entitled to a lawyer if you were charged with something.

I grew up in a really small town and the police officers were always so nice. Even when teenagers were getting in trouble they handled things professionally. It's a pretty sad day when you really need help from an officer and you get treated the way you did. There's no excuse for that.

I really really think that you shouldn't plead guilty. I don't know anything about law but I would think that pleading guilty could open a huge can of worms if you have to go through a custody battle. Don't do it. Is there any place that you could call to get information about this kind of thing. Do DV shelters help with this kind of thing at all?

I'm really sorry mama. Good for you for getting out of that situation. Keep yourself safe.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma* 
I think I might also be tempted to file a complaint against the officer if you felt he wasn't taking your situation seriously.

I wouldn't be tempted. I would file a complaint against the officer. It doesn't matter if he wants to be there or not, it's his job to be there and to be professional while there.

I agree with everyone else who said get a lawyer and do _not_ plead guilty.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I love cops.

I respect cops.

But, personally, many of them are jerks. Not all.. some are amazing, I can name some that I think the world of. But, those few jerks can make the rest of them look bad.

I say file a complaint. His job was to protect you and your son.

Obviously, hitting your husband was a bad idea.. and if you hadn't done that this probably would be different. But, that cop did not protect you. He seemed only interested in making you feel like an idiot, and he obviously didn't really care.

I'm sure they see it all, and get tired of it.. but, I get tired of poopy diapars too, yet I change them. I get tired of fixing the same lunch over and over, yet I do it. It's my job.

Don't plead guilty, and file a complaint against that cop.

I'd be really mad at his parents too. They should have done more to help you.


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

I read your first post when this happened and I'm so sorry.








I agree with the others, get a lawyer, file a report against the officer do ANYTHING you can think of to fight this. Also, PLEASE keep yourself and that baby safe from him.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

: A LOT!


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## Cuau (Jul 27, 2006)

Mama, don't plead guilty. Yeah going back might not look like a good idea in top of everything but you need to get out of this clean and safe. If you plead guilty is another form to go with his abusiveness.

You need to get a lawyer and I'm sure you can get one at no charge from the shelter or one of the woman houses.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I would not plead guilty. You didn't do anything. The court is suppossed to provide you with an attorney. I think you should contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask them how to proceed. They have resources to protect women in cases like this. I also agree that you need to file a complaint against this officer. My mom worked at a women's shelter for a while and she said that the cops are often the ones who are the most violent towards women and they had a lot of trouble with the police. Report this guy and maybe make a complaint to the mayor and city council in the city you were living in.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

This is so sad. I can choose to plead guilty and pay the $200 fine and will be given a 2 week extension to come up with it, or I can pay $50 in court fees by TOMORROW and then have to travel all the way to PA for court.

I am not going to plead guilty. But I have no money toay the court fees. If I just don't do anything, I'm subject to arrest. I'm sure I wouldn't be at the top of the list, but still....

...off to see wgat I can sell on craigslist.....

ETA: I've been on the phone with everyone I can think all day. the economy is hitting everyone, incuding the nonprofits. They no longer offer the same help because their funding has been cut.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

shouldn't tomorrow just be the advisement hearing. Are you elidgible for a public defender?


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Good luck momma! Maybe see if the DV shelter can help you with the fee--they also might know of some lawyers.

Or go to court and tell them you have no money and explain it all and see if the judge will help you out.
V


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I don't know where in PA you need to go, but I'm in Williamsport if you need a place to crash or anything like that.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
I'm really confused as to why the police officer would do this.... Have they been out to your house for this sort of thing before?

What the OP's describing is all too common in DV situations. Police often are less than enthusiastic in moving forward with making arrests, even when there's physical evidence of the abuse. Because in many cases women decide to drop charges, police officers often don't want to bring the charges in the first place. Unfortunately we as a society do very little in deterring abuse, and this sort of mutual citation is common as well. It's sort of like in schools when Kid A is beating the crap out of Kid B. If Kid B does anything to defend himself, the schools determine it was a fight and both get in trouble.


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## jivey (Feb 26, 2009)

What is wrong with men these day's beating up on a women. I am a 42yr old male and never in my life. Has any women pissed me off so bad that i had to hit her smack her or degrade her.
I am sorry this has happened to you. But on topic here DO NOT PLEAD GUILTY.
if you end up with a PD (Public Defender) they are all about making deals and moving on to the next case. I would try and find a women lawyer who will do Pro Bono. You can get that information from the state Bar Assication.
even if you did hit the guy you have ever a right to protect yourself.
Good Luck


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

The following is not intended to be implied as legal advice, but if I were you I would do the following:

1. Get an attorney! (call your local Legal Aid, or maybe a woman's shelter that deals with domestic violence, they should be able to get you set up) ;

2. Absolutely DO NOT PLEAD GUILTY! I know it will be a huge hassle and time suck for you to go to court and defend your innocence. But pleading guilty will only give your ex the control and upper hand he wants while simultaneously undermining the case you have against him when it comes to any custody hearing;

3. Go to Internal Affairs at the Police Department in question and file a complaint against the officer who responded to your 911 call. His behavior sounds extremely unprofessional, and he should have cited your partner, not you for domestic battery and harrassment;

4. After you finish with the Police go to the local State's Attorney/District Attorney/ Prosecutor's Office (the agency names vary from place to place but the purpose is the same) and file a complaint against your husband for domestic battery, harassment, and any other possible offense that applies to what happened here. Bring with any photos you may have taken to document this beating, also they should have an intake person who can take pictures of any bruises or other injuries inflicted by your ex so make sure they take lots of pictures. While your at it, inquire into filing an additional complaint against that UAV of a police officer for his unprofessional conduct and possible violation of the domestic violence laws of your state; and

5. File for a restraining order against your ex on behalf of you and your baby, NOW. Make sure you give a detailed account of what your ex did that night and include the fact that your baby was in your arms while he was repeatedly hitting you. Again, include any photos of your injuries and ask for an emergency hearing.

I hope you listen to some of the other great advice you've gotten from other ladies here, we all just want to help in any way we can.

Good luck.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
What the OP's describing is all too common in DV situations. Police often are less than enthusiastic in moving forward with making arrests, even when there's physical evidence of the abuse. Because in many cases women decide to drop charges, police officers often don't want to bring the charges in the first place. Unfortunately we as a society do very little in deterring abuse, and this sort of mutual citation is common as well. It's sort of like in schools when Kid A is beating the crap out of Kid B. If Kid B does anything to defend himself, the schools determine it was a fight and both get in trouble.

In VA at least, the officer is bound by law to arrest the person who has inflicted marks on the other person in domestic situations. In a simple assault that is NOT a domestic situation, the victim can decide not to press charges and the police don't have to arrest. But in Virginia it is illegal for a cop not to arrest the perpetrator in a domestic if the victim has marks....even a scratch. As a former LEO and being married to a LEO it's frustrating to hear the above general statement that "police are often less than enthusiastic in moving forward with an arrest", because it's illegal to do that, at least in my state.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
In VA at least, the officer is bound by law to arrest the person who has inflicted marks on the other person in domestic situations. In a simple assault that is NOT a domestic situation, the victim can decide not to press charges and the police don't have to arrest. But in Virginia it is illegal for a cop not to arrest the perpetrator in a domestic if the victim has marks....even a scratch. As a former LEO and being married to a LEO it's frustrating to hear the above general statement that "police are often less than enthusiastic in moving forward with an arrest", because it's illegal to do that, at least in my state.

I believe the same is also true here in Illinois and many other states. The police don't have the option of not arresting a DV offender if marks/injuries of any kind are apparent, he or she is going to jail no matter what and the law takes away any discretion the police may have to let them off with a warning (or a wink and a handshake.)


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I didn't have any marks when the police arrived, except for a nasty cut on my foot (I have NO idea how it got there....maybe when he threw me to the floor????), but there were no visible bruises on my face. It's frustrating because I know that if i even squeeze my ds's hand too hard, he is so fair skinned that it shows up red. With me, I have been punched square in the face and been sore for days, but never turned purple. My face was swollen, but i guess opinion on that is subjective.

When I spoke to Internal Affairs today, he told me that I can't even press charges for anything greater than harrassment, because assault 1 or whatever it is called, the next step up from harrassment, would require a broken bone.

He was pretty friendly to me, this officer, and said that he had planned to have my citation AND my husband's thrown out in court.

But.....WTF???? I understand dismissing mine, but I was INJURED and my husband's was to get thrown out???? Thankfully for me, in his ignorance he just paid the fine, probably not realizing that he was pleading guilty by doing so.

I called the shelter just now and they said that i can stay there for a few days while i am in PA. It is right down the street from teh courthouse, so at least that will work out.

But, from the looks of things, I guess i should have stuck around for a fracture.







:


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

waiting to be mommy,

I looked back at your old posts .... is this the same DH you fled the state to avoid last year? What keeps bringing ya'll together? I know how difficult it is to leave and actually move past an abusive relationship (I have been a victim myself) but there has got to be an end to this. In these situations the court will see (after running criminal checks if there has been a history of arrests) that there is a pattern to this, and not that that is any reason for what happened in this situation, but the court/police/your families can only do so much when it is ongoing. You have to protect your child...especially reading what he has done before....
You had made sooo much progress from what I read last year...even processing why the drama keeps occuring. What has changed...how can we help you get your strength back to leave again? Court/Police are only going to put out the fires....they can't do a thing to resolve this until you figure out a way to get this vile man out of your life. Feel free to PM me. I don't know where you live but I have access to referrals in every state for DV therapists as well as other outlets that could be benificial.
Im sorry this keeps happening, but please for your child's sake.....let someone help you get out of this mess.


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

honey, whatver you can do to get out of this legally, DO IT! In 2002 I was arrested for slapping my live-in boyfriend after he beat me. I went to jail for a day and ended up just pleading guilty so i didn't have to deal with him anymore. He was never charged even though my face was bleeding and bruised. That misdemeanor has haunted me ever since - please don't make the same mistake I did!


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

If you are in my corner of PA, please let me know if I can help with anything.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
When I spoke to Internal Affairs today, he told me that I can't even press charges for anything greater than harrassment, because assault 1 or whatever it is called, the next step up from harrassment, would require a broken bone.

...

But, from the looks of things, I guess i should have stuck around for a fracture.







:

I don't know the laws in your area, but this doesn't sound right to me. I'd contact a lawyer and get the real info on what he can be charged with.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I have to share my little victory...I posted some clothes and baby items on craigslist that I had left in storage here at my mom's house. Someone called me at 10:45 asking about something i was selling for ten dollars. Well, she came by at 11:15 and ended up leaving with $40 worth of stuff!!!!







I only needed $50 to plead not guilty (i have to pay the court costs at the time I plead) and i'm sure I can scrape up the remaining ten from the bottom of my purse.

So tomorrow I am going to get on the phone and call the magistrate's office with my $50 and fight that citation!!!! This is the first good thing that has happened sicne I've been here. yeah me!!!!!


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Go you! That's great news.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

OP CONGRATULATIONS on your miracle. may this be the begining of a smooth journey to your new and free life.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
waiting to be mommy,

I looked back at your old posts .... is this the same DH you fled the state to avoid last year? What keeps bringing ya'll together? I know how difficult it is to leave and actually move past an abusive relationship (I have been a victim myself) but there has got to be an end to this. In these situations the court will see (after running criminal checks if there has been a history of arrests) that there is a pattern to this, and not that that is any reason for what happened in this situation, but the court/police/your families can only do so much when it is ongoing. You have to protect your child...especially reading what he has done before....
You had made sooo much progress from what I read last year...even processing why the drama keeps occuring. What has changed...how can we help you get your strength back to leave again? Court/Police are only going to put out the fires....they can't do a thing to resolve this until you figure out a way to get this vile man out of your life. Feel free to PM me. I don't know where you live but I have access to referrals in every state for DV therapists as well as other outlets that could be benificial.
Im sorry this keeps happening, but please for your child's sake.....let someone help you get out of this mess.

jeliphish i can understand what you are saying. i am hoping THIS will be IT!!! i am hoping this IS her wake up call.

but i can also relate to her - as a single mama i can relate to her 'neediness' to go back to such a situation; and yet having a friend go thru this exact same situation - i can relate to the act of separation can be soooooo hard. it needs that one BIG factor. for my friend the one big factor was a situation like this, though worse (her then dh was a CS lawyer and he purposely scratched himself on the face so the police would take her away - even the police unofficially said he did it to himself, but she had to spend the night in jail, post bail and then get the case against her thrown out). THAT was it. NEVER again did they go back together. they both divorced and are both now remarried to different partners and finally after 6 years have a decent uninvolved coparenting relationship.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Waiting2bemommy, you may wish to check and see if it's possible for you to take civil action against him- including but not limited to a restraining order. I'm not in the US, but it's a question that could be worth asking.
Jeliphish has a point. You're out now. Don't go back.


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## Cuau (Jul 27, 2006)

Great news mama! Keep us updated. I've been thinking about you


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jivey* 
What is wrong with men these day's beating up on a women.

"These days?"
My mom's first husband cracked at least one of her ribs when she was six months pregnant with my brother. That brother just turned 46. It's not about "these days". Domestic abuse of this kind has been going on for a long time - it's just somewhat less socially sanctioned now.


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## LittleBlessings (May 26, 2008)

delete


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## LittleBlessings (May 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I love cops.

I respect cops.

But, personally, many of them are jerks. Not all.. some are amazing, I can name some that I think the world of. But, those few jerks can make the rest of them look bad.

I say file a complaint. His job was to protect you and your son.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

just want to echo what everyone has been saying and (hugs) to you!


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Well, I went and applied for a waitresseing job today at a really nice place. The lady really seemed to like me and I'm hoping for the best. Then I come home and tell my dad about it, and he said, "It's not convenient for us for you to work right now." This is because my mother has always done at least some of ds's babysitting (I have no problem, NO PROBLEM at all, paying her) and she doesn't feel she can do it right now. I tried to explain to my dad that if i don't find employment for 30 hours a week, they will cut my TANF/food stamps. his advice? Live without the TANF. That would mean that I would have absolutely no money coming in to buy food, diapers, clothes, etc. My mother refuses to let me drive her car even when she's not using it, so that means I wouldn't be able to get to 99% of the jobs that I can bring ds with me to, like babysitting or cleaning houses. She will drive me places, but only if it fits into her schedule, understandably.

I'm not upset, because I know that right now i am probably not the best "houseguest" in the world, and they love me a lot, and they do WANT to help, and are trying in their own way, but more and more I am feeling that this is not the place for me. I am wondering more and more why they insisted so adamantly that i leave the shelter, which had resources toprovide me with everything from transportation to a place to a job to childcare, if they knew that they weren't in a position to help. And if I go back into the shelter, if I can even get in down here, they will be beyond angry ad hurt.

The problem is, even if I go live somewhere else, I have the same dilemma: no childcare for ds. If I do stay here, we are a little distance from the bus stop and few of the daycares are on the bus line (and the buses only run once an hour), so getting ds to and from daycare and making it to work on time would be challenging to say the least.

I really wish I could just collect the TANF for a couple months without pressure whiel i get myself together. But they are insisting that I DO something, immediately. and if I give up what little aid I am receiving, then I am totally at my mom's mercy. And i know my mom and that is not a good thing.

So I'm back to square one....


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## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

I'm really angry about the way that cop treated you. File a complaint.

And I'm married to a cop. He would *never* act like that. That was so inappropriate.

I'm sorry for your situation.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
What the OP's describing is all too common in DV situations. Police often are less than enthusiastic in moving forward with making arrests, even when there's physical evidence of the abuse. Because in many cases women decide to drop charges, police officers often don't want to bring the charges in the first place. Unfortunately we as a society do very little in deterring abuse, and this sort of mutual citation is common as well. It's sort of like in schools when Kid A is beating the crap out of Kid B. If Kid B does anything to defend himself, the schools determine it was a fight and both get in trouble.

Yeah, that "mutual combat" stuff is pure crap. My oldest ds got jumped on at school, a kid hit him and he turned and walked away, then the other kids jumped on him from behind, took him to the ground and pounded on him. After the fourth or fifth punch, ds finally hit back. A teacher witnessed the whole thing (not sure why the other kid got that many punches in but hey) and my son STILL got told he had to take detention or swats because it was mutual.

Anyway, Im glad the op is NOT pleading guilty!

I do beleive a cop would act that way. I got attacked in public place once (long story) and was told by the responding officer that just becuase I was bloodied and brusied didnt mean that I didnt start it, he then told me that my attacker was going to the hospital (cuz I maced her) and therefore I could not go to the hospital. When I showed up at the police station to file my report, no one seemed to know anything about it and when a very nice officer found it, he said that it bore so little resemblence to the story I was telling, that he just filled out an entire NEW report. The original one listed me as the perpertrator (because of the mace, which only came out AFTER I'd had the dog crap stomped out of me, did I mention I was holding my two year old when she first hit me? I put him down and pushed him behind me while she had me by my hair using her knee on my face, I never fought back, like the op, just trying to make sure ds was out of the way.....) But I digress...

Just to say to the OP that I totally understand!!! Do you have the money to travel? How will you get there for court? Who will watch your son while you go to court?

How bad is your mom? I mean, if someone basically told me I could just live there and be a sahm to my child and not have to worry about money (since they have the bills covered, right?) I'd do it. But then, I realize if I had to live with my mom like that....well we might kill each other. You will find a way. Can you explain to TANF that you currently have no transportation or child care? Are you already recieving it? Cuz I know that in Texas at least, instead of montly payments, you can choose a one time only flat payout of $1000. If you could do that instead, would it see you through the next few months? Of course, you sign away your right to ever recieve it again, ever.

Good luck to you and keep us updated!


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

Get an attorney, take care of your current issues and then file for child support.


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## dancindoula (Jun 20, 2005)

Call the shelter anyway and ask if they can either pick you up to go back there or if they can help you in some other way with arranging childcare/transportation. At this point your parents' possible anger at you for getting out of their house is not something you should worry about. They're adults and their temper tantrums don't count. You have to do what is needed to care for you and your son. If that means starting over at a shelter that might be the healthiest starting point for you instead of in their home under any possible manipulation. It might even be healthier, in the end, for y'alls relationship. OR perhaps the shelter can arrange to help you with either childcare or transportation even if you do stay with your parents. It's worth finding out so you can get back on your feet. Don't let people dictate your choices whose own well being is not dependent on those choices. You can do this, Mama. Stay strong! You ARE so strong!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
Well, I went and applied for a waitresseing job today at a really nice place. The lady really seemed to like me and I'm hoping for the best. Then I come home and tell my dad about it, and he said, "It's not convenient for us for you to work right now." This is because my mother has always done at least some of ds's babysitting (I have no problem, NO PROBLEM at all, paying her) and she doesn't feel she can do it right now. I tried to explain to my dad that if i don't find employment for 30 hours a week, they will cut my TANF/food stamps. his advice? Live without the TANF. That would mean that I would have absolutely no money coming in to buy food, diapers, clothes, etc. My mother refuses to let me drive her car even when she's not using it, so that means I wouldn't be able to get to 99% of the jobs that I can bring ds with me to, like babysitting or cleaning houses. She will drive me places, but only if it fits into her schedule, understandably.

I'm not upset, because I know that right now i am probably not the best "houseguest" in the world, and they love me a lot, and they do WANT to help, and are trying in their own way, but more and more I am feeling that this is not the place for me. I am wondering more and more why they insisted so adamantly that i leave the shelter, which had resources toprovide me with everything from transportation to a place to a job to childcare, if they knew that they weren't in a position to help. And if I go back into the shelter, if I can even get in down here, they will be beyond angry ad hurt.

The problem is, even if I go live somewhere else, I have the same dilemma: no childcare for ds. If I do stay here, we are a little distance from the bus stop and few of the daycares are on the bus line (and the buses only run once an hour), so getting ds to and from daycare and making it to work on time would be challenging to say the least.

I really wish I could just collect the TANF for a couple months without pressure whiel i get myself together. But they are insisting that I DO something, immediately. and if I give up what little aid I am receiving, then I am totally at my mom's mercy. And i know my mom and that is not a good thing.

So I'm back to square one....

Wow. I'm so sorry. I can totally understand your mom not wanting to babysit more, for money or not, and wanting to have you close but she needs to get a grip. Can the shelter help you explain to your mom why it is better for you to be there? It sounds like your mom does feel the need to control your life to some extent, and that does not make her a bad person, but it is something that you do not need to deal with right now.

They probably don't want you in a shelter because what would they say to themselves? We can't help her? But somehow you need to be able to convey that you need more than what they can give right now, even though you are grateful that they are giving everything they can.

Sounds like going back to the shelter, which would help you get on your feet, would be the best option in the short to mid-term, BUT- I would hate for you to have to really embitter your relationship with your parents.









Again I would just say see if the shelter can help you explain why it is best for you to stay there for the childcare.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

I just found this thread. I hope you are doing better! That really sounds horrible. Honestly, I understand why people love and respect cops, but the sad thing is, a lot of them only have the job because of the power. They are complete jerks on a power trip. For the most part, I'm not a fan of them ... and DP was one. A lot of them can be really sweet and I have dealt with many really nice cops. I've also dealt with the jerks too









Anyhow, I was wondering where in PA you are. I can offer to help you out with child care if you need it. Just let me know







I'm a stay at home mom always looking for something to do. HTH

I am so glad you are not pleading guilty!! And definitely file that complaint. Even if it doesn't do anything now, it may do something in ten years when he's up for review and they see that complaint along with several others and realize that maybe this isn't the best place for him.

Good Luck Momma!


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Nothing to add. But had to offer a







.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

thanks for the offers. I'm in VA now, and DESPERATELY looking for childcare since.....they offered me the job!!!!!!!







:

If anyone knows any AP mamas in the Virginia beach area who do hom daycare, I'd be thrilled. I should probably post itn fyt too.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

That's wonderful news! Absolutely post in FYT.


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## mamabohl (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
thanks for the offers. I'm in VA now, and DESPERATELY looking for childcare since.....they offered me the job!!!!!!!







:

If anyone knows any AP mamas in the Virginia beach area who do hom daycare, I'd be thrilled. I should probably post itn fyt too.

I've been following your story, i had no idea you were in the VABeach area! I live on the penninsula in yorktown right now. I will ask around the local AP groups for you if you'd like, or i can pm you the links to their websites. I don't do in home daycare but I'd like to help you out, since I'm in your area. Do check FYT too, many of the moms I know in AP groups are on here.


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