# I witnessed so much child abuse and humiliation this weekend....(long)



## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

It started Saturday. We went to Six Flags Amusement Park. I walked by some lady telling an 8-10 yr old "shut up". The group consisted of a woman, man, boy and girl. The whole group looked very upset. It was right after they opened too so it's not like they had been there all day and were just tired and couldn't deal anymore. I just thought it was sad that in a place where you are supposed to have fun they were all very upset looking.

Then as we were leaving I was just about to comment to my DH that we had not seen anyone hit their kid all day and then it happened right in front of me. A kid hit another kid with some toy he had in his hand and the woman walked up and grabbed his arm and smacked him on his bare leg. At this point I became very upset and began yelling "that is not even spanking, that's just hitting. he hit that kid so you hit him. that's just brilliant". This was not my finest moment and I feel so guilty and ashamed for acting this way. I am just so sick and tired of people talking about spanking as discipline and they don't even do it the supposed "right way". From my understanding the "right way" is *not in anger *in private *praying and hugging afterwards. I have never come into contact with a person that did it this way. My mil says her pastor does it this way. I just can't handle seeing it happen. It hurts me so much and affects me physically and mentally. I need to find a better way to deal with these things when I witness them.

On Sunday my DS and I went to my cousin's ds's b-day party. He turned 3. When it was cake time and time for him to blow out his candle some guy that was there (relative of the dad) thought it would be funny to blow out his candle. Well this upset the b-day boy very much and he began to tantrum (he had not had a nap). He ended up getting a spanking over his tantrum. No one validated his feelings or even said anything to the guy. They just told the kid that it's not that big of a deal. Then later his sister had pushed him and she ended up getting a spanking. My DS and I did not witness these spankings thankfully. Earlier my cousin had told the sister she could not take a chair in her room and then the girl tried to sneak it and I heard her say "do you want a spanking right here in front of everyone" (humiliation tactic). The whole day my cousin kept saying to me how well behaved my DS was which made me feel good.

Then this morning I went to drop my nephew's off at daycare for my brother and I heard one of the teachers in the baby room say "don't touch, you need to learn you can't have everything you want". After the words "don't touch" I heard a snapping sound. I thought she had smacked his hand. I walked into the room and asked her if she was a teacher and asked her if she had just smacked his hand. She immediately said "oh no, I would never do that". I apologized and said that it was just because of the dialog and the snapping noise that I had heard that I thought that. She went to the CD player and pushed the lid closed and asked "was that the noise?" and it was so I apologized again and walked away. I just had to make sure you know. I am leery of this daycare because there have been 3 times that I have walked into my nephew's room to hear a teacher screaming at a school aged kid. I have reported it to my brother but he doesn't think it's a big deal. I feel that the teachers should not be speaking to the kids this way. Also, the baby room teacher should not be setting him up for failure by having the cd player on the ground.

Anyone have any tips on how to handle spanking situations when I encounter them? What do you do? I know I should either just turn the other cheek or offer help but it's so hard to be nice to someone who has just been so mean to a child. I really need to work on this. It's not good the way that I'm handling it now. I literally shake. I get especially upset when it happens in front of my child. But then I'm more concerned with comforting my child instead of giving the spanker a piece of my mind. (my ds was not at the six flags incident)

I hope I don't offend anyone who used to spank by calling it abuse. It's not that I consider spanking a CPS offense but I feel it is abuse of some sort. And as I said before, it just burns me that they call some of the things they do spanking.


----------



## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

very depressing indeed. How can people be so utterly clueless? I know it does no good whatsoever to sit around marvelling at their ignorance, but, well ... the adult blowing out the candles on the 3-year old's birthday cake is just








And then the child is struck for caring about it?! it's just utter disrespect for the child's reality, anything that is important to him is just not real to those parents.

Sorry you saw so much of this stuff. it sticks w/ me and haunts me too. If your cousin comments how well behaved your ds is, it seems like that'd be a good opportunity to talk about your approach.


----------



## RosieTook (Sep 4, 2004)

I'm having deja vu!! I just read this post on GCM...hehehe

It really sucks doesn't it? Why do people think that this is discipine...and also a good thing??

_*feels bad for the children who live through this*_


----------



## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RosieTook*
I'm having deja vu!! I just read this post on GCM...hehehe

It really sucks doesn't it? Why do people think that this is discipine...and also a good thing??

_*feels bad for the children who live through this*_

Yes you are! HA! I just wanted to try to get as much input as I can about how I should deal with witnessing spanking. Yelling at people who do it isn't right.


----------



## OneCatholicMommy (Jan 21, 2002)

At the risk of offending you...I think you should keep quiet. None of those situations were abusive.


----------



## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

I'm sorry you had to witness all of that - and sorry for the children who endured it, too.

And, FWIW, I think it's awesome that you spoke up. I wish more people would.


----------



## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OneCatholicMommy*
At the risk of offending you...I think you should keep quiet. None of those situations were abusive.

I guess we will have to disagree then b/c I do feel that hitting children is abusive and humiliating to the child. It makes them feel insignificant and unloved. (I know, I've been there) I will continue to speak up to people who do it, I just need to find a better way/better things to say instead of just rambling off whatever crazy thing pops into my head. Thanks for responding though.


----------



## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dragonfly*
I'm sorry you had to witness all of that - and sorry for the children who endured it, too.

And, FWIW, I think it's awesome that you spoke up. I wish more people would.

Thanks! Got any suggestions on how to better handle my self instead of just getting angry and flying off the handle? I was thinking maybe I should have just said "don't hit that child". But then they could come back with "I'm the parent and I can do whatever I want" and then I wouldn't know how to respond to that. Or, I could have said "wonder where he learned the hitting from" since the reason he was hit was b/c he hit a kid with a sword. Not to excuse what he did but it looked to me like they were just playing and it got a tiny bit out of hand. It didn't seem to me that he did it out of just spite.


----------



## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

if some totally insensitive person blew out the candles on my childs cake i would tempted to smack the adult







well i would what a dumb and just plain stupid thing to do.

i would have lit them again and tried to comfort my child and taken him away for a quiet cuddle and try to make sure the whole party hadnt been ruined for im by one adult who thinks they are clever (and is not)

i have no idea how i would have handled those situations only that i would have felt horrible


----------



## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oliversmum2000*
if some totally insensitive person blew out the candles on my childs cake i would tempted to smack the adult







well i would what a dumb and just plain stupid thing to do.

i would have lit them again and tried to comfort my child and taken him away for a quiet cuddle and try to make sure the whole party hadnt been ruined for im by one adult who thinks they are clever (and is not)

i have no idea how i would have handled those situations only that i would have felt horrible










That's another thing. The mom (my cousin) was complaining about that guy doing it after he left the party but never once stood up for her son by saying something to the guy or even acknowledged her son's feelings about it. Goofy.


----------



## fremontmama (Jun 11, 2004)

That sounds so frustrating. Isnt it just wacko the things people do







?
I dont have any advice for really great ways to react. Thats a tough one. I think some of the statements you have thought of sound great.
As far as the birthday candle thing goes, what kind of creep blows out someone else's candles? I think I would be upset if that happened to me and really pissed if someone did it to my kid!


----------



## RiceMomma (Jul 23, 2004)

Hitting is abuse. If someone came up and smacked you so hard it made you cry, that would be assault. Why is it suddenly not abuse when the victim is a child?

And then there's the whole humiliation factor. It's all so very sad. These children are people!!! They have souls!


----------



## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

Wow! I'm so sorry that you had to see all of this in *one* weekend - that's really scary, isn't it? And those poor kids....it always makes me wonder what goes on at home when I see people 'disciplining' their children like that in public. IMHO you did the right thing by speaking up - children need kind, caring adults to advocate for them and their needs, especially when the parents aren't willing to.

Amazing what people will tolerate from other adults in terms of behaviours that are really hurtful to their children, huh? Honestly, could the mama not see the birthday candle through her child's eyes, and feel how hurt he was? It made me cringe just reading it - and then to be punished for it too. Too sad.


----------



## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

That man would have been invited to LEAVE MY HOME. What an complete jerk. Poor little kid, I'd be really ticked off if someone did that to me, NOW. I would have cried my heart out if I were three.


----------



## mmaramba (May 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *garrettsmommy*
Thanks! Got any suggestions on how to better handle my self instead of just getting angry and flying off the handle? I was thinking maybe I should have just said "don't hit that child". But then they could come back with "I'm the parent and I can do whatever I want" and then I wouldn't know how to respond to that. Or, I could have said "wonder where he learned the hitting from" since the reason he was hit was b/c he hit a kid with a sword. Not to excuse what he did but it looked to me like they were just playing and it got a tiny bit out of hand. It didn't seem to me that he did it out of just spite.

I've heard a few good pieces of advice on this one. One is to preempt the "punishment" by talking to the child, acknowledging his feelings-- "It must have been frustrating when Uncle blew your candles out. Let me light them again for you, blah blah."

Another is to talk to the parent, sympathetically. "This is a tough age, isn't it? It's so hard when they don't quite have control over XYZ."

Both tend to stop the abuse, and they also model GD-- without being confrontational (usually) and by getting the parent to stop and take a breath, consider the situation more rationally, etc.

Just my 2 cents.


----------

