# Is Bedsharing Safe?



## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Anyone want to discuss this? Someone brought it up on another thread and I thought it would be better to start our own thread to discuss the data on safe bedsharing.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Safe bedsharing guidelines... http://www.safebedsharing.org/safetyguidelines.html

Sids: A Parent's Guide to Understanding and Preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome -

This book is OOP but is a good read if you come across a copy - http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0316779539


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Here is Dr. McKenna's website with information on his work at the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory - http://cosleeping.nd.edu/


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## FlintDoula (Feb 11, 2013)

I do know who Dr. McKenna is, I looking into bedsharing studies and the risks and benefits when I was in college for early childhood education and again when I started my doula training. I'm not de-valuing the benefits and I know there are many many benefits. I also see no problem having a baby sleep with you as long as you are awake to monitor them. But, once again, I draw the line at actually sleeping with baby as being safe. If a pillow, sheet or blanket is moved just enough toward baby he/she could turn/roll/lean into it enough to suffocate. It is a fact that it happens and it just does more so than I am comfortable with. When I originally posted I just wanted to state an opinion that hadn't been expressed yet, not start a super debate.

I know this website and thus forums are more natural and holistic in nature but I often feel like other opinions are simply disregarded as ridiculous myths even thu they had solid evidence to back them up. You cannot say a baby dying from suffocating in a bedsharing environment is not do to the bedsharing. I don't think there are enough deaths a year to call it an epidemic or to judge those who do it. But there are enough for my point to be valid and not questioned as simple mindedness. I have a good point and facts to back me up. Just as I know you have a good point in the multiple benefits of bedsharing and the facts to support them.

All I'm asking for is acknowledgement that my points are valid. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me just to understand why I feel the way I feel on the subject.


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *FlintDoula*
> 
> I do know who Dr. McKenna is, I looking into bedsharing studies and the risks and benefits when I was in college for early childhood education and again when I started my doula training. I'm not de-valuing the benefits and I know there are many many benefits. I also see no problem having a baby sleep with you as long as you are awake to monitor them. But, once again, I draw the line at actually sleeping with baby as being safe. If a pillow, sheet or blanket is moved just enough toward baby he/she could turn/roll/lean into it enough to suffocate. It is a fact that it happens and it just does more so than I am comfortable with. When I originally posted I just wanted to state an opinion that hadn't been expressed yet, not start a super debate.
> 
> ...


I don't think your points are going to be acknowledged as valid w/o something to back them up. Do you have any links you want to share?

Sus


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I am not aware of anyone saying that babies don't die in bedsharing situations, so I am not really sure what you are asking acknowledgement for. Yes, babies die in bedsharing situations. The question is why and what can we do to make the bedsharing situation safest for the baby. If babies never died from suffocation in cribs, then maybe it wouldn't even be a question of which is safer. But they do.

You stated that 50 children a year die every year in bedsharing accidents. I would like to see a source for that number if you have it.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

This is interesting... http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19618789


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11581445


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## FlintDoula (Feb 11, 2013)

Like I said I'm not interested in debate so I'll give you a few links that explain things in copious detail and some that are more clef-notes versions, the most informative being the SIDS research done by the AAP. But then I will let other people comment on the subject, I'm sure 98-99% of them will agree with you Sus







But it was a fun discussion and I enjoyed hearing (seeing? reading?) your passion on the subject.

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2011/10/12/peds.2011-2285.full.pdf+html

http://www.familypracticenews.com/news/more-top-news/single-view/aap-s-new-sids-stoppers-cleared-cribs-no-cosleeping/a7e304621a4446ce12e62ae40c2e1e35.html

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sleep/cosleeping.html

http://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2011.300613?prevSearch=%5BContrib%3A+Schnitzer%5D&searchHistoryKey=&&


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I love a good thread that discusses the available research we have on an NFL/AP subject! We bed share and have for both our kids. Unlike homebirth, vaccinations, discipline, and education, bed sharing isn't something I've done a whole lot of research on. It felt in the realm of breastfeeding to me in that it seems so logical that I didn't ever question it. I'd like to read along.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *FlintDoula*
> 
> http://www.familypracticenews.com/news/more-top-news/single-view/aap-s-new-sids-stoppers-cleared-cribs-no-cosleeping/a7e304621a4446ce12e62ae40c2e1e35.html


I just had a quick look at one of these articles... and am wondering if the person quoted here has any knowledge care of an infant? No wonder they don't support cosleeping... they don't even support sofas and arm chairs.

Quote:


> "Because of the extremely high risk of SIDS and suffocation on couches and armchairs, infants should never be fed on a couch or armchair when there is a high risk that the parent might fall asleep,"


The reality of this article in particular is that they are lumping co-sleeping with unsupported cosleeping habits AND dangerous crib sleeping situations along with safe cosleeping. Here they even quote something that is just odd phrasing:

Quote:


> In fact, cosleeping can put the infant at risk of smothering under heavy covers, airway obstruction if an adult limb falls across its face, and even overheating - a recognized SIDS risk factor.


What I would want to know is, "Can it or does it?" Why not tell us the stats here? Why not give us a number of safe co-sleeping incidents of children with SIDS in this article?

All proponents of co-sleeping discuss antidotes to the above concerns.

And this:

Quote:


> The AAP policy stresses the protective influence of breastfeeding, but notes that infants who come to the adults' bed for nighttime nursing should go back to their own crib after feeding.


:headscratch. So we can nurse in bed but not on a sofa? Cuz we may fall asleep on the sofa? #confusing.

And this:

Quote:


> Immunizations also protect against SIDS, so it's critical to keep babies up to date with vaccinations, she said.


Really?

My opinion on this article in particular (I haven't read the others yet) is that it's just really not enough information for a parent to make a decision. The lack of data and links make me feel a bit disrespected as a reader. Like, "Hey, this is written by a doctor so you just read and listen." Though maybe it is intended for other doctors? I can't imagine there is enough information for a doctor to advise patients off of though...?


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Jumping on here to say that my post above comes off as sarcastic. If you are reading that tone, I admit that there is a bit but it is 100% directed at the article, not to any members and not to those who have researched and found cosleeping not to be right for their family. I do take issue with public health giving advice that is as jumbled as the above article seemed to me but I absolutely support any families choices to sleep safely, however that works for them!


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

good grief, how do vaccines help prevent SIDS? Last I checked the association went the other direction. I suppose they also make you taller, smarter, and better looking, too?

Yeah, I get a little annoyed with the superficial and logically flawed arguments I typically see against bed sharing. I have three kids and have slept with all of them as babies, and will do so again with my fourth. I do it in part as a protective measure because I feel like a new LO is too vulnerable sleeping alone without their mother's body to help regulate things. I do want to try a cosleeper this time around because we have big 2 yo DS in the bed with us and I don't see that changing anytime soon.


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## Katie8681 (Dec 29, 2010)

Of any parenting issue, this is one I feel perhaps the most conflicted about. I'm not going to link to studies; there isn't great data out there, but the lowest infant mortality rates tend towards being in breastfeeding babies of nonsmokers sleeping in the same room but in their own bed/crib. I got an Arms Reach CoSleeper for my baby and very quickly realized that even side carred close wasn't enough. DS nursed about every 2 hrs minimum for 30-40 min at a time and just wouldn't settle at night when he wasn't right against me. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't taken him into bed with me. So that's what I did. I woke quickly at any sound from DS. Kept a pillow and a sheet. I can't 100% justify it by all the current research but the current research is not real persuasive either way. I know bedsharing made sleep and nursing possible in my family. The most recent meta analysis had to massage that data _hard_ to come to the conclusion that bed sharing was linked to SIDS in breastfef infants with no other risk factors.

I don't see what's so hard to believe about the higher risk of sleeping with your infant in an armchair, though. All those nooks and crannies.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Katie8681*
> 
> I don't see what's so hard to believe about the higher risk of sleeping with your infant in an armchair, though. All those nooks and crannies.


If you're talking about my post, it's not that I don't think armchair or sofa sleeping isn't risky (you won't find any co-sleeping advocate recommend that), it's the phrasing the article used.

Here's the wording I found funny:

Quote:


> "Because of the extremely high risk of SIDS and suffocation on couches and armchairs, infants should never be fed on a couch or armchair when there is a high risk that the parent might fall asleep,"


The reason I find it funny is two fold. For one, sorry, but all moms of newborns are at risk of falling asleep. We're tired. And the article acknowledges that mothers will tend to want to nurse in bed, which they seemed to endorse so long as the mom put the baby back in the crib after nursing.

This getting to what I suspect is really going on here - a public health warning that wants to come out STRONGLY against unsafe bed sharing...that doesn't trust families to be able to hear that message so they just come out against all bed/surface sleep sharing.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Regarding the armchairs and couches, this is one of the reasons I am so in favor of teaching parents safe bedsharing practices. I believe that the anti-bedsharing message forces exhausted mothers into situations where the child is in more danger because mom fell asleep while sitting up on the couch, recliner, armchair, whatever. These are not safe bedsharing surfaces and the risk of the child slipping down between the cracks is why it is not safe.

From Dr. McKenna's FAQs - "To be sure, infants should never sleep on recliners, couches or sofas, with or without adults wherein they can slip down (face first) into the crevice or get wedged against the back of a couch, or fall between pillow seats." http://cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/

Eta: Agree with you Identity that it was worded funny. If a momma is in danger of falling asleep on the couch, she is just as much in danger of falling asleep on the bed. So I am not sure why the discrepancy unless they are admitting that they know the bed is a safer place to be.


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## Katie8681 (Dec 29, 2010)

I
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama*
> 
> If you're talking about my post, it's not that I don't think armchair or sofa sleeping isn't risky (you won't find any co-sleeping advocate recommend that), it's the phrasing the article used.
> 
> ...


I see what you mean. That was a ridiculous statement. I guess he's recommending we only nurse our newborns on armless wooden chairs?


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> Of any parenting issue, this is one I feel perhaps the most conflicted about.


It is. Shortly after my youngest was born there were reports in our local newspaper that several children had died recently in our county and the one over, during bedsharing accidents. At least one of these was occurred on a couch but there wasn't enough data given to really analyze the situation further. But it forced me to go digging into the research again too. And my decision was that when safe bedsharing guidelines are followed, bedsharing deaths are rare and for us it meant enough sleep, and therefore sanity, for me which is what my own child needed.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Dr McKenna has a great response to the one-size fits all anti-bedsharing campaigns - http://cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/#40


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Regarding the links above... I don't take medical organizations advice or statements as authoritative and I don't believe they should speak as though it is. Their point may be to reach as large an audience as possible in as brief of time as possible, but that kind of talk doesn't work for me.

The American Journal of Public Health - not enough info in the abstract to know what exactly they studied or concluded. But here are some brief thoughts on what was there...

Quote:


> Only 25% of infants were sleeping in a crib or on their back when found;


What do they mean by this? Only 25% of infants were both in a crib *and* on their back? There was a total of 25% of infants that were either in their crib in either position or not in their crib but on their back??? If the latter, hopefully they separated that data in the study.

Quote:


> 70% were on a surface not intended for infant sleep (e.g., adult bed).


Were all 70% in an adult bed or were some of them on other surfaces? Would be nice to see a breakdown but I am not paying to read the whole thing.

Quote:


> Importantly, 64% of infants were sharing a sleep surface, and almost half of these infants were sleeping with an adult.


Again, what sleep surface? And were the parents following safe bedsharing guidelines?It doesn't appear so... If almost half of these infants were sleeping with an adult, that means more than half were sleeping with another child, which is against safe bedsharing guidelines.

Other children are not safe bed companions for an infant. They do not have the same instincts as momma and we have never allowed this to take place. If we have two children in bed, the older one is always way on the other side of my hubby with the newborn and me on the opposite side.

Quote:


> Infants whose deaths were classified as suffocation or undetermined cause were significantly more likely than were infants whose deaths were classified as SIDS to be found on a surface not intended for infant sleep and to be sharing that sleep surface.


This is interesting because didn't the other article state that bedsharing was a risk factor for SIDS? Yet it appeared to have occured far more often in cribs than in bedsharing.

It isn't surprising to me that bedsharing deaths were usually the result of suffocation. That is the primary risk of bedsharing and is what safe bedsharing guidelines meant to prevent or greatly reduce the incidence of. According to the above statistic, it appears to me that at least half of these children were not in situations where safe bedsharing guidelines were being followed.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Regarding the AAP link... I am just skimming, but I am seeing a lot of good info, along with the message that because certain situations make bedsharing more dangerous then we need to just make a blanket recommendation against it. I don't like to make decisions for my family based on that kind of method.


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## sirena rose (Jun 6, 2013)

We are all coming here with love for our children and want to do what is best for them and our families' various situations. I think a lot of us have the question, "How can we most safely bedshare" in mind. I suppose that would be a whole 'nother thread, though.

I know that my frustration is based on the fact that so many government campaigns are releasing these blanket statements to never sleep with your children, when, if done safely lends lots of benefits, especially to breastfeeding mothers.

Thanks, fruitfulmomma, for making a new thread here. (Oh, and I am new...how can I link your user name into the body of this message?)


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> Thanks, fruitfulmomma, for making a new thread here. (Oh, and I am new...how can I link your user name into the body of this message?)


You're welcome and I have no idea on the link issue, sorry.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

This is good... http://babycalm.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/sids-risks-and-realities-a-response-to-recent-findings-on-bedsharing-and-sids-risk-the-carpenter-research/

The author is discussing problems with the latest meta-analysis on bedsharing.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> "How can we most safely bedshare" in mind. I suppose that would be a whole 'nother thread, though.


You are welcome to discuss that here. Posts #2 and #3 have links to basic safe bedsharing guidelines for anyone who wants to review or hasn't yet become familiar with.

One thing I am really seeing in the numbers of these studies is the importance of sleep position. I have not always been consistent with the back to sleep thing, sometimes preferring a side-lying position, which while it doesn't appear to raise the risks as high as tummy sleeping, does still have some increased risks it appears. I think I will be more diligent in keeping any future babes on their backs until they can roll over themselves.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

As a mother of a victim of SIDS, I have done a ton of research on the issue and I have come to the conclusion that I believe bedsharing to be as safe as anything else. That being said, my infants sleep in cribs- mainly because they are monitored.

SIDS happens anywhere and everywhere- babies die in cribs, babies die in mama's bed, babies die in carseats, in bassinets, paci or no paci, breastfeeding, eating formula, not vaccinated, vaccinated, with fans on and without fans on. There are things that can help prevent it, according to studies and statistics, but in the research I've done it seems that has only been one major thing in the past two decades that we have seen conclusive research proving that it reduces SIDS: put your baby to sleep on his back.

Personally, the thing that I hear and see mom's doing all the time that I think is way more unsafe than bedsharing is swaddling a baby that is old enough to roll over on his belly and get stuck.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

One questions I have about back-to-sleep, if anyone has come across any info, is what about nap time? I often will sit at the computer to do work while baby is having a nap, which sometimes means baby is chest to chest with me in an upright position. Same with if we are in the store and baby falls asleep in the sling. Does this go against back-to-sleep guidelines?


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## Katie8681 (Dec 29, 2010)

Adeline's Mama, YES, back to sleep. I didn't find that it conflicted with bed sharing at all. Side lying to nurse, then rolled baby onto his back.


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)

One pet peeve of mine is that NO ONE ever discusses the fact that there is NO organization who states that putting your baby to sleep in another room is @ all a safe choice. However, socially, if I were to lose a baby to SIDS in a crib down the hall, I wouldn't face the scrutiny that I would if the baby was in my bed. That is not science, it is US Cultural Bias, which is about as valid to me as a McDonald's Hamburger with a side of GMO Fries. No one writes articles about the Formula Feeding factor when a baby dies of SIDS either, even tho the risk is increased 70%.

I have looked @ all the science and it seems clear to me that the absolute safest spot is on a separate surface, right next to the mother's bed. However Breastfeeding is a HUGE SIDS reducer, so many allowances must be made to allow Breastfeeding to no only occur but succeed greatly.

With my next baby I am going to try the Finnish Box, in my room, next to my side of the bed.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dinahx*
> 
> One pet peeve of mine is that NO ONE ever discusses the fact that there is NO organization who states that putting your baby to sleep in another room is @ all a safe choice. However, socially, if I were to lose a baby to SIDS in a crib down the hall, I wouldn't face the scrutiny that I would if the baby was in my bed. That is not science, it is US Cultural Bias,


I really agree with this! Great point.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

it depends how you do the bed sharing...is bed sharing safely safe? Yes. Its a stupid question...


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> it depends how you do the bed sharing...is bed sharing safely safe? Yes. Its a stupid question...


Why is it a stupid question? Babies die in their parents beds. No one wants babies to die. The AAP and other medical organizations and governmental authorities try to make this so with attempts to scare and shame parents. Babies still die. Maybe it is time we actually started having a real conversation about it.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I don't think it's a stupid question! In fact, I think it's great within NFL if we occasionally dig up a subject and really discuss it. And, depending on which country you live in, if you're answer is "yes" then it is MOST definitely not a stupid question. Thanks for posting the question Fruitfulmoma!


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma*
> 
> One questions I have about back-to-sleep, if anyone has come across any info, is what about nap time? I often will sit at the computer to do work while baby is having a nap, which sometimes means baby is chest to chest with me in an upright position. Same with if we are in the store and baby falls asleep in the sling. Does this go against back-to-sleep guidelines?


Apples and oranges.

Back to sleep is necessary because the baby is distanced from the mother. She cannot monitor its breathing and her breathing cannot regulate the baby's.

While baby wearing, you are right there to monitor your baby's breathing.

The back to sleep campaign was only necessary because of our western culture and the tendency to separate mothers and babies. I don't need studies and statistics. Bed sharing is as old as time. It was always the safest, and only, option for me.


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blessedwithboys*
> 
> The back to sleep campaign was only necessary because of our western culture and the tendency to separate mothers and babies. I don't need studies and statistics. Bed sharing is as old as time. It was always the safest, and only, option for me.












Sus


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## JelloPanda (Nov 26, 2010)

One of MY pet peeves are all the weird contraptions coming out in the midst of the SIDS/no bedsharing stuff - those weird Nap Nanny recliner things, bean bag chairs with little straps... not to mention the sheer amount of parents I still see using crib bumper pads, pillows and blankets in a newborn's crib, and the amount of time babies are spending in their car seats!

They need to start coming down on all that crap as hard as they come down on bedsharing, IMO.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I think the links shared upthread in response to the question, addressed that question adequately. Bed sharing can be done safely or unsafely. You dont bedshare if you are drunk or on mind altering drugs, that wouldnt be safe. Sharing a blanket is unsafe, having a gap between the bed and the wall is unsafe. There are a list of factors to consider that are well known, or easy to access (see above links) if you want to educate yourself of whats safe. Basic common sense also helps.

Its like most things, you can do it safely or unsafely. Babywearing isnt safe if done incorrectly, nor is pushing a stroller down the street. Using a crib certainly isnt safe if done incorrectly, or using a faulty crib, driving....well, is driving unsafe?

Bedsharing is normal, and safe if done correctly. So i still think its a .....question. But thats just me.


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## Cathlin (Apr 4, 2012)

We sleep share and sometimes it scares me. But so does putting her in a crib. Ha! And now at 18 months it's not even an option. 

I never planned on co-sleeping, I never knew about it. The lactation consultant at the hospital helped me because I had a complicated pregnancy, delivery, and it was because of her and sleep sharing that I believe I was (am!!) able to breastfeed.

Our baby girl was able to roll to her side from day 1, and my husband would watch us and see how even if I didn't fully wake I was aware of the baby. That was reassuring. But I still check to make sure she's comfy in the night (at 18 months) and that she hasn't been smushed or something.

When I read about the deaths and get scared, I always want more information - did the parents drink? Do drugs? Are they heavy sleepers? Were they sick and on cold meds?


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## teiladancer (Aug 27, 2012)

to start off with id like to point everyone in the direction of www.naturalchild.org which is an EXCELLENT resource for attachment parenting, breastfeeding and yes- bedsharing. i personally bedshared with my son from about a week after i brought him home from the hospital. i was receiving no help whatsoever after giving birth and was having issues with breastfeeding because they put my son in NICU for observation and refused to allow me to breastfeed because the nurse had personal biases against it. in any case my son cried and cried for 3 months straight because on top of having to pump literally 24/7 i was also given misinformation about how often a breastfed child is supposed to nurse. in any case yes i slept with my son in my bed and continue to sleep with him in my bed at the age of 1 1/2. my bed is extremely firm (firmer than most baby mattresses) and i had tight fitting sheets. we both slept without clothes (and often without a diaper) because he overheated with the sleepers. THE INSTANT he moved my maternal instincts kicked in and i was awake to check on him. to this day if he even takes a deep breath i wake up and move my hand toward him to check on him. something i would like to point out is this... if you are worried about rolling over on your baby think about when you are pregnant- you simply DONT roll around especially in late pregnancy; you usually sleep on one side or the other dont you? its no different once youve given birth to your child, ideally the child is in the same area as when they were inside you because that is the perfect spot for night time breastfeeding. several studies have indicated that when mothers bedshare both the mother and child's waking moments overlap. you WILL freeze during the winter and you will find that your arm becomes your favorite (and only) pillow. i started off with a blanket and pillow and my son even as an infant just out of the hospital managed to knock both entirely away from both of us. i cannot condone using a pillow and blanket when beginning to bedshare with an infant (remember i was still "awake" *read- a zombie* trying to pump milk every hour on the hour for an hour. no bs thats how it went the first 2 months). i do very much recommend skin to skin contact with your child for several reasons. any germs on your child enter your system and your body creates antibodies which are then passed on through your milk to your child. my son has been sick twice in his almost 2 years of life and neither time has he needed to go to the doctor, both times he caught what i had (and let me tell you it was SEVERE for me but very VERY mild for him). along with most other aspects of attachment parenting bedsharing promotes a sense of independence by constantly reassuring the child that you will always be there when needed. you may think this a funny point to make but just try this logic on for size- since the beginning of mankind we have had predators- snakes, lions, etc. the babies who did not cry were the babies who were inevitably eaten thus keeping them from breeding and passing on that particular trait. although here in america we may or may not have these predators the trait still exists in our biological makeup to cry when left alone for the sole purpose of surviving. if the baby isnt left alone the baby doesnt cry. crying may be essential in the early stages of life but continuous crying is unhealthy for baby and unhealthy for mama (trust me know. im pretty sure i have PTSD from the two months straight of no sleep and shrill screaming in my ear. and i wont even go near a breast pump and looking at them makes me want to throw up). Ultimately it is YOUR decision whether or not it is safe to bedshare. if you DONT wake up at the very breath of your newborn its probably not safe, if you are restless at night and kick and punch in your sleep- its probably not safe. if you take any kind of medication (or drugs or alcohol) that effects the way you sleep.... its probably not safe. rather than saying either it is or it isnt safe- USE COMMON SENSE. there is no right answer or one size fits all scenario. rather than arguing whether its black or white or pointing a judgemental finger at people who DO bedshare or thoughtlessly promoting bedsharing and insisting that EVERYBODY do it- do your research!!! there are thousands of articles and studies on the subject for and against. make your best decision and if its not working then change it.


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## Margot Dawson (Mar 25, 2012)

I haven't read through all the posts here- but I wanted to comment. Is bedsharing safe? No. It isn't safe. But on that note, nothing you do with a baby is 100% safe. Driving in the car with baby isn't safe. Walking down the stairs with baby isn't safe. Even sleeping in a crib alone isn't safe! Many babies die each year sleeping "safely" in their cribs.

When we follow certain rules we as parents can make our babies' activities safer (when bedsharing, in the car, or in the crib), but sometimes you can do everything "right" and still something bad happens. But just because a baby dies or is harmed in one instance of bedsharing (or crib sleeping, or riding in the car) doesn't mean we should then completely avoid that activity. That's just not logical. Every situation is different, and EDUCATION on how to do things with baby SAFER is the best course of action we can take. Baby's gotta sleep somewhere, and whether that is in bed with mom or in their own space, we have to follow the guidelines we know of that reduce risks of injury or death.


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## babymama_nursing (Jul 29, 2010)

I read a lot and I think a lot. Then I do what feels right. My instincts are so strong in parenting that it can be hard to do something that goes against your inner feelings. Guilt should be the last thing we listen to! Yet it is everywhere telling us we are not doing enough or doing it right.

I never set out to share a bed when I had my daughter. I read a great book about sleep patterns and thought, my baby deserves her own space to sleep. We need a crib. That was great until my baby actually arrived. No one told her she was supposed to sleep alone!

I spent two weeks trying to use a crib and no one got more than 10 minutes of sleep at a time. Then I nursed her to sleep in my bed and voila - 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

So I read everything I could find about how to safely share sleep together. Including a lot from Dr. Sears about the self-regulating effects of mother and baby sleeping next to each other. It is true that I was often awake before I knew it whenever she stirred even the slightest bit.

Sleeping with my baby went against everything my doctors office ever had to say, but nothing I've ever done has felt as right as nursing and sleeping alongside one another. My darling daughter is now five years old and my son is one. We are safely sharing sleep and everyone is happy and well rested. In this case, for me, sleeping next to each other just makes sense.


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## seajean (Sep 24, 2012)

Nope, bed sharing isn't safe!

I grew up sharing a bed with my mother until I was about 7.....and I saw too much sex !!!!!!

keep the little ones in their own room.....and in their own bed

jean


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

We are talking about the safety data on bedsharing with babies. Sorry if your parents acted innappropriate around you, but it really doesn't answer the issue of safety. Also, even those organizations which are against bedsharing, like the AAP, recommend roomsharing for infants to reduce the risk of SIDS.


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## seajean (Sep 24, 2012)

bedsharing is not a good idea...moms and dads should have their own beds...and babies need to be tucked in their own every night....

sometimes we moms just cant seem to cut that cord....babies need to be able to sleep alone...and until mom cuts that cord and allows this...you have a brat growing up that fusses and fumes everytime you leave the room.......maternal instincts are great...but night time needs lights out and babies in the crib

jean


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *seajean*
> 
> Nope, bed sharing isn't safe!
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *seajean*
> 
> bedsharing is not a good idea...moms and dads should have their own beds...and babies need to be tucked in their own every night....
> 
> ...


Oh. My. Goodness. Um, welcome to MDC?
















Sus


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> bedsharing is not a good idea...moms and dads should have their own beds...and babies need to be tucked in their own every night....
> 
> sometimes we moms just cant seem to cut that cord....babies need to be able to sleep alone...and until mom cuts that cord and allows this...you have a brat growing up that fusses and fumes everytime you leave the room.......maternal instincts are great...but night time needs lights out and babies in the crib


So, you have nothing to add to the discussion on the safety data in regards to bedsharing? I see you are new. Perhaps a read over the forum guidelines would be useful - http://www.mothering.com/community/a/family-bed-and-nighttime-parenting-forum-guidelines.


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## JelloPanda (Nov 26, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *seajean*
> 
> bedsharing is not a good idea...moms and dads should have their own beds...and babies need to be tucked in their own every night....
> 
> ...


Please, do share where you found this information...because everything I have ever read contradicts this - especially things by Kathy Dettwyler.


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## teiladancer (Aug 27, 2012)

the idea of "spoiling" a child with love is a relatively new phenomena. the very definition of spoil is to lose valuable or useful qualities usually as a result of decay which is to say one has left something for too long without utilizing it. fruit spoils on the counter because you do not eat it; meat spoils in the refrigerator because you do not cook it. to spoil a child with love is like saying you will ruin your fruit by eating it. again i would like to draw everyones attention to the site www.naturalchild.org where you can find tons of articles on attachment parenting, breastfeeding and bedsharing. most of these articles are written by field experts- developmental psychologists, pediatricians, etc. over the past few years it has become my go-to resource for natural parenting. a mothers instincts should be not only listened to but revered rather than shamed and condemned. we made it millions of years listening to our instincts and it has only been in the last hundred or so years that we have begun listening to what "experts" think is right or wrong and ignoring our instincts. studies have indicated that leaving a child to "cry it out" leads to an apathetic personality rather than a compassionate one. our children learn by example and if the example you are setting is to ignore the needs of another person they too will ignore the needs of others. interestingly enough it is our children who will be caring for us when we are old and incapable of taking care of ourselves. it would be wise to raise a compassionate child rather than an apathetic one.







about to be


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## teiladancer (Aug 27, 2012)

bedsharing DOs

have a firm mattress with tight fitting sheet

place your mattress directly on the floor in the middle of the room away from walls and other obstructions which the baby could get caught between should the baby move or be accidentally pushed off the mattress

have your room at a comfortable temperature (72 degrees is optimal and that means 72 degrees at floor level not just ambient temperature)

place baby on his/her back to sleep (if breastfeeding, the baby will naturally root for the nipple and in so doing wake the mother enough to position herself correctly for a proper latch)

start bedsharing as soon as possible (as i have already mentioned while you are pregnant you have already trained yourself to sleep a certain way and in my personal experience shortly after giving birth to my son i was only comfortable laying in one position. it is also worth noting that laying on your stomach shortly after birth is not recommended because whether you are breastfeeding or not you can cause mastitis or clogged ducts by applying constant pressure to your breasts.)

sleep naked (at least from your waist up) to optimize skin to skin contact as well as breastfeeding if you are nursing. this is also an excellent way to regulate your babys body temperature and keep baby warm throughout the night with your own body heat.

bedsharing DONTs

use pillows or blankets/sheets/duvets/etc. (if you keep your room warm enough you dont need covers)

use drugs or alcohol (this includes ANY medication/herb/homeopathic remedy that may effect your natural sleep patterns)

smoke in bed or the room where baby sleeps (in fact if you DO smoke it is best to smoke outside and change clothes and wash hands after coming inside. i use baking soda to scrub the smoke out of my skin and deodorize it.)

overdress your baby. both you and baby should be skin to skin. this promotes mother-child bonding and temperature stability (again your room should be warm enough to sleep naked comfortably)

sleep with your child if you are overly tired (especially if you are a single parent or have a heavy sleeper for a partner) as i said in an earlier post i was overly tired and in hindsight probably should not have been bedsharing with my child however at the time i was also having to "wake up" (kinda hard to do if you dont go to sleep anyway right?) every hour to pump to get enough milk for baby. taking what i just said into account it is up to YOUR BEST JUDGEMENT whether to sleep with your baby or not. it is a decision you should make each and every night. if you feel like you may be too tired to respond to your babys movements then by all means put baby in a crib or co sleeper

sleep on a couch/futon/chair sitting OR laying. laying you could smother baby in several ways and sitting you could slump over and drop baby or smother baby.

this is by no means a complete list of dos or donts but it is a start to the things that need to be considered when thinking about bedsharing with a newborn. staying awake worrying about rolling over on baby the first few nights even up to the first month is not only understandable but desirable in training yourself to sleep with baby and respond to babys movements. i still find myself waking up several times throughout the night just to make sure i havent rolled over on my toddler. i personally do not suggest using a twin bed or anything smaller than a full for baby and mom and queen or king for baby mom and dad. i can however suggest investing in a good body pillow which is to go BEHIND mom to prop her up into a SLIGHTLY sideways position (not all the way on your side as this could increase your risk of rolling over on baby. you should be comfortably leaned against the body pillow leaning slightly away from baby while still in a position where the breast is easily accessible to baby. youll get the hang of it after a few nights) which is optimal for the regular nightly nursing and also to some extent offers support for the neck once positioned properly. it is a good idea to switch sides each night so you are not too uncomfortable and sore when you wake up. one last thing.... beds arent the only place you can have sex so dont think you have to let that part of your marriage die by having a family bed


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I cant believe we are having this conversation on MDC. What a waste of time.

I have co slept with all of my children, and have done so with alot of attention to the safety aspect. Of course, like every new mother, i am very focussed on keeping my baby safe-thats what mothers do. I can assure you, he way we co sleep is very safe.

Should we be having his conversation on mdc? Seriously.


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## teiladancer (Aug 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> I cant believe we are having this conversation on MDC. What a waste of time.
> 
> ...


there are many mothers out there searching for answers... for the ones who are willing to take the time to scour the internet THIS discussion will at some point pop up on their screen. from what i have read from the other women who have posted on this particular thread, women/mothers are likely to take anecdotal advice more so than the confusing and often times misleading "studies" and so called facts. every time i look something up when i am directed to a forum such as this i tend to read each and every comment until i am satisfied that my instincts are not leading me down an unsafe path. women need to be encouraged that their instincts are right. women deserve a sisterhood that has long been lost in american society. and while i understand your point that MOST (not all) of the mothers on here agree with bedsharing this is yet another resource site for women/mothers who are just beginning their journey. it is important that we take the time to discuss pros and cons of each and every aspect of child rearing be it bedsharing, cosleeping, vaccinations, baby led weaning, etc. as it is said two heads are better than one and in this case a whole community of heads is better than one because each of us can bring something to the table be it tips or advice or facts that should be considered by all and what our opinion is of these facts.


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## mama24-7 (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> I cant believe we are having this conversation on MDC. What a waste of time.
> 
> ...










Much like the "is homebirth safe?" in the homebirth forum & I predict it'll be occurring elsewhere.

Sus


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## Margaritaa (Aug 22, 2011)

I know your looking for data and I haven't read all the comments but this article has some good facts and sources backed by studies etc. Maybe it can help lead you in the right direction at least: http://www.laleche.org.uk/content/bed-sharing-and-risk-sids


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## Margaritaa (Aug 22, 2011)

BTW my mother and grandmother co-slept and we also co-slept. This is baby #5 I have sleeping in my bed. My oldest is 18 and my youngest is 7 mths <3 Both of my sisters co-sleep with their kids and many many of my friends have co-slept.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blessedwithboys*
> 
> Apples and oranges.
> 
> ...


I have to say, I get really annoyed at this idea that you can monitor a baby's breathing while you sleep. Before my son died, I completely bought in to the idea that because I was sleeping next to my babies that regulated their breathing, because I woke up to nurse I was never in a deep enough sleep to not *KNOW* if my baby stopped breathing, and that we all have this motherly instinct that we will just automatically wake up if something isnt right.

But that's not the case. Not always. Were there plenty of nights when it was? Sure. But, what does that mean for the one night that it didnt work that way? That I wasnt good enough at regulating his breathing? I remember feeling like a huge, horrible failure as a NFL mother when my son passed, because when you are sleeping right next to them how can you not know when your baby stops breathing?

How many mom's do you know who have woken up to their baby almost dead because they had forgotten to breathe? Of the three forums Im a part of, I've never heard of one mom who that has happened to. I have, however, known of many moms to wake up to their baby already dead.

Bed sharing is age old, but do remember that babies died then too. And as I said before, I dont believe bedsharing is unsafe, but let's use statistics and studies and not base safety off of things like instinct and age-old practices, because when something does happen it makes people feel like they were a crappy mom because she couldnt monitor a babies breath in her sleep.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> I cant believe we are having this conversation on MDC. What a waste of time.


nm - misunderstanding...

But for those wondering... I started it because another poster told a mother *here* that bedsharing was dangerous and I wanted to discuss what the data actually said on safety without disrupting the other moms post. I even flagged my own post to let the moderator of this forum know that I was starting it and so far have not heard back from her, but have heard from another moderator that she welcomed the conversation.

ETA: For those of you who have not read the whole thread, or perhaps I wasn't clear enough at the beginning, I am very much pro-bedsharing! I have six children, between the ages of 13 and 1, and have used a crib a total of 3 nights. What I was hoping to do here was to combat the false idea that bedsharing is always dangerous by looking at what the research actually says. Sorry if that offends you.

P.S. Holly, I really appreciate you being willing to share your story.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I actually felt a moral obligation to add to the thread in the light of many of the posts upthread.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma*
> 
> You are welcome to leave the conversation if you find it to be a waste of your time


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## sageowl (Nov 16, 2010)

Not that anyone cares, but here's my 2 cents:

Is it totally safe? Probably depends on who's doing it, and how and why. Apparently most of life's activities aren't safe, but we persist on drinking hot coffee, riding in automobiles, and eating processed foods. Safety is in the eye of the beholder much of the time.

As a breastfeeding mother, I feel like the benefits clearly outweigh the risks, so have done it with my kids until they were night-weaned and ready for their own space anyway. I'm aware of the "party line" (all kids sleep in cribs period) and the pro-bedsharing folks (Sears, McKenna, et. al). Frankly, there's plenty of arguments in favor of both sides, so I don't think any more needs to be added there.

But it doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks-at the end of the day, I simply do what works for us.

I sleep with my babies because that's what feels right. I don't worry about it because we're light sleepers, don't do drugs, and I really like knowing what's going on with the baby at all times. Is it absolutely risk-free? No, but nothing in life is. I don't think it's any less safe than sleeping in a crib would be...after all, if I had to get up and take a baby out of a crib every two hours all night long, I'd probably drop the poor little guy at some point. The way I figure, apparently sleeping together is something that works fine for most of the rest of the world's parents too, since the US is one of the few places where anyone thinks it's normal to NOT sleep with your babies/children/entire family.

Regardless of what any of the experts say, the reality is, behind closed doors, you do what you feel works for your family.


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## Margaritaa (Aug 22, 2011)

Most of the info I have read says that the baby regulates it breath to the mother's breathing. So I don't think the mother could really wake up from the baby not breathing. This article is from Dr. Sears and he actually has researched the subject of co-sleeping and has good info on the subject. http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes dont mean to sound short..breastfeeding and typing lol


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## Katie8681 (Dec 29, 2010)

The fact is that not all bedsharing associated infant deaths can be blamed on overweight, smoking, drinking parents. Sometimes its insinuated that if a mom is "in tune" with her baby they are SIDS-proof. It's a shame to stigmatize those parents. Adalines Mama, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.


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## Backroads (May 4, 2013)

Without having the source I got this from at hand... I read once that, all things being equal in safety precautions, bedsharing and traditional crib/bassinet are equally safe.

I didn't think I would cosleep, but I had so much trouble putting my baby in the bassinet (even right next to the bed) without her waking up. Everyone is so much happier and rested with bedsharing. She's sleeping more deeply these days and I don't think I'll cosleep forever, but it's nice. I think I'll always be a bedsharing supporter.

The other day, my parents, sister, and I and baby went on a trip and wound up staying in this old pioneer home turned bed and breakfast. The beds were super comfy, but too soft for me to comfortably have my daughter in the bed. The hostess said many guests used the old pioneer cradle in the room (even opposed to the traditional packnplay they had). So I did... and I don't think that thing was up to crib standards in the least. But Baby lived through the night. And she had the experience of sleeping in an old cradle.

Not sure what my point is with that story. Maybe that you'll never be safe enough no matter what you do, but plenty of babies survive various sleeping arrangements regardless.


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## mom2threegrls (Jun 20, 2013)

I think it is important to know the risks so you can plan a safe bed sharing arrangement. I slept with my first two daughters and am now sleeping with my new baby. I did look into the issues when I first decided to do so and as a result added a co sleep crib to the side of our bed(not for them to sleep in but so they could sleep safely on the outside of the bed with no fear of them falling off.I also changed my bedding to a single pillow and wool blanket and had her sleep bellow the breast so she was away from the pillow. I got a lot more sleep and wouldn't give up the experience for the world. I think a child accidently falling asleep in a bed not prepared for the situation would be much more of a risk.


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## cynthia mosher (Aug 20, 1999)

Thanks for all the great info sharing! This does continue to come up as a question so it's a great discussion to have.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> I cant believe we are having this conversation on MDC. What a waste of time.
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mama24-7*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Let's keep in mind that Mothering is not an isolated private community. We get a lot of visitors and new member parents who are new to attachment parenting and natural family living and need to hear just this sort of discussion. So while for many who know the subject well it seems like a strange discussion to have, the topic continues to take a beating in the media and in other online communities. So it is certainly important to have from time to time as a discussion for the benefit of the entire community.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> I have to say, I get really annoyed at this idea that you can monitor a baby's breathing while you sleep. Before my son died, I completely bought in to the idea that because I was sleeping next to my babies that regulated their breathing, because I woke up to nurse I was never in a deep enough sleep to not *KNOW* if my baby stopped breathing, and that we all have this motherly instinct that we will just automatically wake up if something isnt right.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for your pain and especially sorry if what I said added to it.

I think what I was trying to express was that the baby matches the mother, not that the mother somehow is a human holter monitor. it got jumbled, sorry.

Babies die in cribs and in their mother's arms. Sometimes they die in the womb. When that happened to my sister, people blamed her daughters death on her for planning a homebirth, even though her daughter passed a few days before the due date and start of labor. of course neither you nor my sister were to blame. (((Hugs)))


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## mylove (Oct 14, 2010)

Can I ask a question here? At what age do those of you who bedshare start feeling comfortable using those pillows and blankets again? I currently bedshare with my 12 month old and I added a pillow, blanket and even a pillow to lay on my side about a week ago. I know that sounds like a lot to add, but I assume after a certain age, you can sleep normally with your children. Sometimes I do wonder if this is a safe practice for my 12 month old. Prior to all of this, I slept with clothes on to keep warm, no blankets and pillows and our matress is on the floor without a flat sheet. So all in all, I think we have a pretty safe set up. I am reading over all of this getting a little paranoid again. I personally feel bedsharing is great if you take all of the necessary precautions, but I really would love some input on when we can relax all the rules of safe bedsharing.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I think you are fine as long as you are careful to keep it away from baby's space... I don't have a no blankets/pillows rule personally, but I've never had the bed made up with lots of fluff either. I keep the pillow behind my head so none of it is on the baby's side. I also keep my blankets about my waist level and baby above that.


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## mylove (Oct 14, 2010)

Thanks for your thoughts, Fruitfulmama. I actually think I should go back to sleeping without the pillow at my side. I had mastitis twice recently and I blame tummy sleeping, so I started using the side pillow to prevent me from ending up on my stomach. I'm not into the fluffy bed either.


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## James Bizz (Jun 30, 2013)

Never leave an infant or toddler unattended on an adult bed. Co-Sleeping or family bed sharing consists of an adult & a child. Babies can roll off of beds (even when using a co-sleeping device) can become tangled in blankets, or otherwise need the attention of an adult. We recommend babies not be left unattended in the early months... according to safebedsharing.org


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## EnvironmentalMama (Jul 12, 2008)

I don't know why I haven't been back to MDC in awhile. This topic was in an email and I was compelled to read the discussion. I have one beloved son who is now 6 years old. I did not start out planning to cosleep with him. I had a crib (in his bedroom) and a cradle (in our bedroom) all set up when I brought him home from the hospital. I tried doing everything the 'experts' recommended with him. I did breastfeed on demand rather than by a schedule (I'm sure this is another topic but I digress  He pretty much needed to nurse every 2 hours, and he would nurse for 40 minutes each time. So that meant that at night, I was able to sleep AT BEST for an hour and 10 minutes at a time. I grew up in the house that we live in now, and I never feared falling down the stairs until one night when I was exhausted and walking back to our room and needing to walk past the stairway. I was so tired I almost fell down the stairs. My husband suggested that I just bring Liam back to bed with us....

And, as they say, the rest is history. I did not share with many of my coworkers that I was sleeping with my baby, but some of them knew...and talked about how they did the same thing with their kids. I have been lucky to have found many books that are very much FOR cosleeping, and that discuss ways to make it safer. All I can say is that we were very careful, and I was actually able to get some much needed sleep, and my son did VERY well. I know this is not how it works out for everyone and that there are arguments against cosleeping with your baby. But, I also know that for us, this was ultimately the right decision. I was able to get some rest and my baby was always comfortable with me being nearby. I also think minimizing crying in babies is healthy for them and for us, and him sleeping snuggled up to mom definitely reduced crying.

Just my $ .02


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## babymama_nursing (Jul 29, 2010)

For anyone looking to keep baby from rolling off the bed while sleeping, we use a dex bed rail. Our mattress is on the floor now that we have a little guy who likes to climb on and off the bed. But while sleeping, this bed rail keeps him from rolling out of my side.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Our mattress is on the floor to avoid that issue-futon style


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## Margaritaa (Aug 22, 2011)

A friend of mine uses a pool noodle under the sheet on the edge of the bed to keep baby from falling off. I have used a buckwheat hull pillow in the past as they are heavy


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mylove*
> 
> Can I ask a question here? At what age do those of you who bedshare start feeling comfortable using those pillows and blankets again? I currently bedshare with my 12 month old and I added a pillow, blanket and even a pillow to lay on my side about a week ago. I know that sounds like a lot to add, but I assume after a certain age, you can sleep normally with your children. Sometimes I do wonder if this is a safe practice for my 12 month old. Prior to all of this, I slept with clothes on to keep warm, no blankets and pillows and our matress is on the floor without a flat sheet. So all in all, I think we have a pretty safe set up. I am reading over all of this getting a little paranoid again. I personally feel bedsharing is great if you take all of the necessary precautions, but I really would love some input on when we can relax all the rules of safe bedsharing.


I started using a pillow and a light blanket on my side around 3-4 months.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *James Bizz*
> 
> Never leave an infant or toddler unattended on an adult bed. Co-Sleeping or family bed sharing consists of an adult & a child. Babies can roll off of beds (even when using a co-sleeping device) can become tangled in blankets, or otherwise need the attention of an adult. We recommend babies not be left unattended in the early months... according to safebedsharing.org


The only time when I avoided letting dk alone in the bed is when they started crawling. Before that, I just placed the bed next to the wall and placed lots of pillows on the other side. After that, I just taught my babies how to get off the bed by scooting backwards. They were both around 11 months when they were able to do that by themselves (and were very proud of it).

We live in a small bungalow, so I was always at 4-5 steps away from their room, and left the door open during naptime. Also, our bed is maybe one foot high.

I think a good dose of common sense is worth a lot more than all the guidelines we must obey for "safe cosleeping".


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I co-slept with both of mine, and the younger one is just transitioning to her own room at 4.5.

I love co-sleeping. Is it safe? Nothing is perfectly safe. Babies die in bed, and babies die in cribs, and babies die elsewhere. It's always a tragedy when a baby dies, but I do wonder why co-sleeping is blamed when a baby dies of SIDS in bed, but crib sleeping isn't blamed when a baby dies of SIDS in a crib.

I think people should look at themselves and their situation to see how to most safely sleep, and if the mother is on prescription sleeping medication or something that makes her drowsy, or if there is another safety problem that can't be solved, then maybe a co-sleeper or a crib in the parents room might be the best choice. But if you take some precautions and if you don't have a safety issue that can't be solved (prescriptions that cause drowsiness, sleep disorder, etc.) then it might very well be as safe as any other option. It is really nice to be able to breastfeed in bed without having to get so awakened, and to be able to respond to nightmares instantly. And babies and young kids love having a parent nearby when they wake up in the morning. It isn't for every family, but it is really nice if you can do it.

(There have been several posts earlier in this thread about safe co-sleeping configurations, so if anyone has questions about that issue please look up the thread a bit. If you still have questions, this thread is probably a great place to ask them!







)


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mylove*
> 
> Can I ask a question here? At what age do those of you who bedshare start feeling comfortable using those pillows and blankets again? I currently bedshare with my 12 month old and I added a pillow, blanket and even a pillow to lay on my side about a week ago. I know that sounds like a lot to add, but I assume after a certain age, you can sleep normally with your children. Sometimes I do wonder if this is a safe practice for my 12 month old. Prior to all of this, I slept with clothes on to keep warm, no blankets and pillows and our matress is on the floor without a flat sheet. So all in all, I think we have a pretty safe set up. I am reading over all of this getting a little paranoid again. I personally feel bedsharing is great if you take all of the necessary precautions, but I really would love some input on when we can relax all the rules of safe bedsharing.


Well, I guess I'll preface this with a disclaimer: Don't try this at home...

I always had pillows and blankets on the bed when the dc were newbs. How the hell else was I supposed to be comfortable?! It was bad enough that I had to lay with my arm crooked to hold them in place, I wasn't about to end up freezing cold with a sore neck, too!

I guess I endangered my babies...I don't feel any regret for my "dangerous" bedsharing practices. When I was a kid, I roamed NYC on my bike. No cell phone, no supervision. I left after breakfast and came home before dark. My mother would go hours with only the vaguest idea of my whereabouts. Now, I don't let my 11yo go past the mailbox without a cell phone, a buddy, and a 10 minute lecture on safety. I'm pretty paranoid and totally not a fan of the free-range kid bullcrap. I am known in my circle of friends as a safety nerd. But I am a shameless dangerous co-sleeper. *eyeroll*


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma*
> 
> I think you are fine as long as you are careful to keep it away from baby's space... I don't have a no blankets/pillows rule personally, but I've never had the bed made up with lots of fluff either. I keep the pillow behind my head so none of it is on the baby's side. I also keep my blankets about my waist level and baby above that.










Truthfully, I almost always slept on my back with DS on my chest until he was several months old. We use a bed rail, and when he was bigger, he'd go between me and the rail (in case DH had had a couple beers - and since he's a more solid sleeper). Always away from pillows, and I'd use a low blanket below my waist. By the time he was about a year old, I think I had relaxed a bit - tried to make sure his face was away from pillows and blankets (still do at 2) but got progressively more "normal." I felt more confident about him being in the middle by that point, too (DH had developed good awareness of where he was in the bed, and DS was a giant baby, which helped).

The fact that breastfed, co-sleeping babies sleep lighter/wake more often made me feel more secure. It also gave me many opportunities to check on him and re-position/adjust accordingly throughout the night.

Haven't read this in a while, but remember it as being a good article:

http://neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Just read back...Adaline'sMama - I am deeply sorry for your loss, and I definitely didn't mean it is always perfectly safe above, just to clarify.
















I was grateful for the increased opportunity to check on him (due to frequent wakings) in part because he did sometimes scoot somewhere that left me feeling ill at ease when I discovered it. I think it is overstating it to say that a mother can monitor her child's breathing in her sleep, but I do think that co-sleeping was essential for regulating my son's breathing (which he had trouble with in a bedside bassinet - hence the on chest sleeping).


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## filamentary (Aug 15, 2013)

lemme start by saying i am 100% planning to cosleep (we are TTC soon, so i just started learning all this stuff about 6 months ago)---i was quickly and easily converted to an AP mindset as soon as i read about it and it all completely resonated with me (and everything i've learned about psychology in the past, in and out of school). but i still wanna make sure i know i'm doing it in a safe manner, of course, so knowing i'm going to doesn't mean i'm not going to keep reading and learning about it! but i feel like most of the links i've followed from this thread, and read about elsewhere, all seem to say that SIDS is just another way of saying "the baby suffocated". if this is the case, it seems like the most important thing is for baby's face to be exposed to the air, and not have bedding or flesh that can get stuck over baby's face. what is needed to accomplish that, well, that seems like it'll vary a lot depending on the situation. but that the objective should be keeping anything and everything away from baby's face, and not whether the bed is adult-sized or infant-sized, which seems rather arbitrary in light of what's actually relevant to baby continuing to breath during sleep.

as far as people wondering why there's suddenly a lot of advertisement aimed *against* cosleeping, i think perhaps i know one of the reasons. there was a story on NPR (i'm pretty sure it was in a 'this american life' episode) where there's this woman whose job it is to determine the cause of death of young people (infants as well as children). this is all she sees all the time, and the piece was about the psychological effect this can have on a person who has such a job. which was interesting, and worth thinking about. but b/c she sees a non-representative sample of the population (she only sees cosleeping situations that end in death, and none of the ones that don't), she ended up having a creeped out feeling about cosleeping and she put all this energy recently into an 'education' campaign against cosleeping. i immediately thought, um, she's obviously never heard of attachment parenting. or listened to that other 'this american life' episode, the one where they talk about how important the seemingly intangible frequent-skin-contact-with-loving-caregiver is to developing baby (and child) brains for their psychological well-being!

anyhow, currently i'm seeing a few billboards in my own neighborhood, in both english and spanish, that say "it only takes seconds for an infant to suffocate" and shows the baby in bed with parents. i see these and it's disheartening, b/c it seems like a huge blow to the spread of AP (i'm convinced that AP and similar parenting styles are what populate the world with kind, caring, compassionate, collaborative people who make the world a better place, and that many of the world's ills would be solved if all parents would opt for a thoughtful AP approach---and not have kids unless/until they are willing to be this deliberate and conscientious about parenting).


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## Pam4Peace (Aug 26, 2013)

Everyone has a right to their feelings, of course, and I would certainly support your decision to not co-sleep. But I don't think babies are all that fragile and they have always slept with their mommas throughout human history. I would advise not sleeping with babies if you are drunk or stoned, or if you are extremely heavy and a sound sleeper and/or known to roll over on others during sleep. But most of us are very attuned with our babes and listen for their breathing throughout the night. Just for the record we slept with our kids until they went off to college, and they are very successful, loving, and empathetic adults. Attachment parenting is the best thing you can do for not only your children, but for the future of peace on this planet.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:


> all seem to say that SIDS is just another way of saying "the baby suffocated".


Not sure what links you were looking at, but no, SIDS is not suffocation. Currently it does seem there is a push for coroners to put the two groups together under one name, and I can't remember what it is, but for when it is suffocation they know it. When it is SIDS it means there is no known cause.


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## filamentary (Aug 15, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma*
> 
> Not sure what links you were looking at, but no, SIDS is not suffocation. Currently it does seem there is a push for coroners to put the two groups together under one name, and I can't remember what it is, but for when it is suffocation they know it. When it is SIDS it means there is no known cause.


granted, most of what i've read states pretty straightforwardly and without hesitation that bedsharing is safe, and i generally don't expect to be one of those parents who is frequently or highly concerned about SIDS, as i expect our family's shared sleep to be an experience of bonding, affection, and cooing at our newest family member (as opposed to constant fretting). but, for instance, at this link, the way i read it would cause me to conclude that preventing SIDS is all about baby continuing to breathe:

"The proposition that bedsharing is causally related to SIDS is coherent with theories that respiratory obstruction, re-breathing expired gases, and thermal stress (or overheating),which may also give rise to the release of lethal toxins, are all mechanisms leading to SIDS"

aside from the passing mention of overheating, discussions around SIDS (and avoiding risk factors) seem to all point to baby's breathing. even though it may be listed as a distinct cause of death apart from "suffocation", i still get the take-home that SIDS is basically just the baby suffocating, whether that is from the face being physically covered, or suffocating from "gases" or "lethal toxins" or perhaps even just hot, stale air. i get the impression that when we call it SIDS it means the baby most likely suffocated (experienced oxygen deprivation b/c breathing ceased or was prevented) but we don't know for sure, so we call it SIDS. i mean, even if baby overheating somehow stops them breathing, they are still dying of suffocation. but then again, i am probably trying to simplify it and tie a neat little bow around it, b/c that's what people do, even when it's not that simple. and i probably want to tell myself it's as simple as keeping baby breathing b/c then i feel more in control and safe. but it still seems this way (to be about breathing), on the whole, to me.


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## Pam4Peace (Aug 26, 2013)

SIDS means there is no known cause. It is rarely suffocation -- that is looking for straws. A baby in bed with a caring adult is much LESS likely to die from SIDS. Babies die alone in their cribs MUCH more often then in bed with their moms. A suffocating baby would struggle for breath, wouldn't they? I also believe that babies are more likely to choke on their backs. Babies should be allowed to sleep in whatever position they find comfortable. Both mine were tummy sleepers, way before someone came along and said put infants on their backs to sleep.


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