# Has anyone been blamed??



## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I'm tired of being the person to blame by others. Has anyone else gone through this and how did you deal???


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## Julia'sMom (Mar 12, 2007)

I haven't gone thru this, but couldn't read and not respond. Anyone that tried to blame me would probably get a fist to the face. It's not like we don't have enough grief to deal with after a loss.


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i feel the same way...it's enough for me to go through the checklist of everything i did to make sure this was a healthy pregnancy...i don't need anyone blaming me for something completely out of my control..

i'm so sorry you are going through this...people need to just shut up if they can't offer any comfort..














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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

How could anyone blame a grieving mother for the death of her baby?! A new low for sure.. or perhaps they don't mean what they say, and are just lashing out! Try not to let it get to you.. but me, like a pp said.. if anyone outright blamed me for my sons death - they better be ducking for cover, cause here comes my FIST!!


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

I'm so sorry you have to go through this in addition to your loss!

Nobody has actually blamed me, but I do think some people *wonder* why I didn't go on bed rest (even though my OB and perinatologist both said it wouldn't make any difference to the outcome). Sigh...


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

You have to be KIDDING me that anyone said anything to blame you. *I* want to punch them in the face FOR you. Good grief. I'm very very sorry that you're having to deal with this. How about "That is the most insensitive thing that anyone has ever said to me. I'm glad I never have to subject myself to seeing you ever again. Goodbye."


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## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

I haven't been blamed by anyone, and I've mostly managed not to blame myself, but we DID have the horrible midwife who confirmed the completion of the m/c ask in a very abrupt , gruff tone, "You know you shouldn't feel guilty about this, right? No one has blamed you, have they?"

As a former OB/NICU counselor, I know it's very important that the mama knows she's not to blame, but still. She could have asked in amore sensitive, caring, *actually* wanting to make sure that I didn't feel guilty, kind of way. Some people just have horrible bedside manner.

As for whoever said whatever horrible thing it was to prompt your question, I'd also like to throw a punch. I'm so sorry you haven't always been treated with compassion.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Mommato5, I have been thinking about you lots today, and just revisited your post and read (and signed) your online petition and your story. Now I am even angrier at people on your behalf for giving you blame. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to lose a nearly full-term child right after birth (even without the nasty comments). My best to you and your family.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I felt like a co-worker was kind of blaming me last week. She cried and begged me to please go to a doctor when I get pregnant again, like somehow by receiving care from a midwife I had something to do with my baby dying, or that some dr. could have stopped it from happening.








: I wish people thought more about what they were saying.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

my friend, who had a stillbirth 8yrs ago, told me a few days after catti was stillborn that stillbirth would show you who your true friends were. She was SO so right.

Someone i was very good friends with, and liked very much, started running her mouth to a mutual friend of our (actually my BFF since 9th grade, they only knew each other through me and ran into each other @ a play place)

anyway, this "friend" started going on and on about how it was my "bad choices" in my pregnancy that caused catti to die (right, like having nst weekly for 2 months, or maybe it was the monthly u/s? perhaps the high risk ob? or going to the perinatology @ the best hospital around? hmmm-weird b/c usually people only throw that out when you make choices to avoid intervention, kwim?)

Anyway, i think she was talking about me not wanting to be induced-sure i wish i had been, but at the time there was nothing to indicate it was medically necessary. So it is what it is, i've made my peace, what else can you do?

But to hear she was saying bullsh!t like this, well...no one that knows me or loves me would EVER say something like that.

BUH bye to her. Done.

Another "friend" blamed me for not being excited enough about her pregnancy (she was due about 7m after catti died, with a girl, and she had an older girl so her girls were 25m apart like mairi and catti. just a tad painful and hard to get excited, kwim?) and so she cut me out of her life as a friend. that was fine by me, that's ridiculous!

anyway, i am really sorry for the blame game, people are so stupid sometimes, it's unbelievable!


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

It amazes me anyone would try and place blame with the loss of a baby, what a horrible horrible thing to do you.


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## railyuh (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SimplyRochelle* 
I am so sorry you are going through this.

I felt like a co-worker was kind of blaming me last week. She cried and begged me to please go to a doctor when I get pregnant again, like somehow by receiving care from a midwife I had something to do with my baby dying, or that some dr. could have stopped it from happening.








: I wish people thought more about what they were saying.

Ugh. My mom said something similar to me after my 3rd m/c. I was seeing a midwife and was actually set to have my first appt the week I m/c, so obviously I never even had my appt. She was trying to gently suggest that I see an OB next time (my last 2 pregnancies were m/c, both of them seeing the midwife), but obviously just days after my m/c I did not take it well. I pretty much railed on her and told her that my midwife didn't kill my babies and there was nothing any OB could do to stop them, and need I remind her that I was seeing an OB with my first m/c and they didn't do anything about that one! I was so mad, I said that stuff and more and then told her I needed to go and hung up. I was really angry. It still bothers me, and then I am also angry at myself because I am seeing a doctor now, an RE, but it was because we discovered some issues that might be causing my losses. I hope to switch to a midwife when I do get pregnant. But now I feel like she is glad she told me to see a doctor and I took her advice and that's just not true at all.


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## jerri (Apr 6, 2005)

I went through this at the time of our loss, and again now that I we are expecting again. I am amazed at the things people say without thought to our feelings. After a thorough medical review, we were assured that it was not possible for our son to live with his ailment. The PICU doctor even told us (each time we asked) that our choices to use a midwife/homebirth had no bearing on the outcome.
I'm sorry you have to go through this mama. It is enough that you are grieving. I hope you don't find their ignorance disruptive to your well-being.


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