# Did you feel... defective?



## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

I know it's crazy, but somehow I feel kind of... embarrassed. I waited so long to even WANT to have a baby - I think I seemed sort of... unmaternal, you know? Now I've lost the pregnancy and I have these feelings of shame. I don't know what to make of it.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Interesting question - not one I can answer in terms of an earlier loss like your but in terms of the way I have felt post-cesarean, I think I can relate.

I ALWAYS felt defective before I got pregnant. I didn't get pregnant for years before Josie was conceived, despite trying (albeit not very hard) with my ex, who, months after I left him, knocked some 21 year old up!









So I was convinced I'd have to seek help to ever get pregnant in the first place. Then, I got pregnant. Then she was lost in the late stages and my body was cut open.

Now, my cycles are different, I have a mild LP defect, I've had a chemical pregnancy and I feel "messed with". The section has left me with a lingering feeling of doubt over my body. It was an emergency section - they were in and got her out within 8 minutes, so I wonder how gentle with me they really were... The external wound seems to have healed nicely but, sex hurt for months. That part has never really been the same, and it was only last month that some of the time, it felt almost like it did before we lost Josie.

Having said all this (and I should imagine it sounds like I'm whining!), I do remember not believing I could get pregnant before, and then I did. So maybe I can again. Honestly though, I am not 100% convinced, and maybe that's because I am still healing psychologically over what I very emotionally feel was the extraction of my child from me - the cutting into my sacred feminine heart.

Right now, in order to feel better about this, I am in the process of changing my life. I can't work for a corporation any more - not for long. The moral integrity of the people I surround myself with has to be higher than a company interested only in profit. So, I am going freelance in July, after we get back from a 3 week trip to England.

We will try to conceive until then - what else can one do? Try, try again. I'm running on faith now, and come July, I will have the time to sort out the house and have more faith. Maybe with more connection (I am of the old religion!) with the world, in the summer especially, my inner balance will once again correct itself to the point at which I can conceive again. Of course, it would certainly help my inner balance to conceive sooner than that, but c'est la vie!

*HUGE hugs* hun - that answer was so long, and probably totally beside the point








XXX


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

after 2 losses I feel that my body is defective..


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

YES! I had an u/s just hours before I had the m/c that showed a perfectly developing fetus. I told my dh I felt like a horrible mother, that I just couldn't understand why my body would expel such a perfect little baby! And since then I've been obsessing about health problems I might have that would have caused it.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

For me it wasn't so much the miscarriage that has made me feel defective, but my experience since the miscarriage. Our baby died on its own and my body kept holding on. I was "proud" of my body for trying so hard, and I felt like I needed to explain to "it" (my body...) that it was time to let go.

I expected to recover really quickly and be back on the TTC wagon within weeks.







After 12 weeks, I finally got my period (with progesterone, after herbs and acupuncture didn't work) and now I'm wondering if I'll even ovulate this cycle.

So, I feel a little defective. Worried. Not having a lot of faith in my body. We'll see, I guess.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
For me it wasn't so much the miscarriage that has made me feel defective, but my experience since the miscarriage. Our baby died on its own and my body kept holding on. I was "proud" of my body for trying so hard, and I felt like I needed to explain to "it" (my body...) that it was time to let go.

I expected to recover really quickly and be back on the TTC wagon within weeks.







After 12 weeks, I finally got my period (with progesterone, after herbs and acupuncture didn't work) and now I'm wondering if I'll even ovulate this cycle.

So, I feel a little defective. Worried. Not having a lot of faith in my body. We'll see, I guess.

I couldn't have summed up my feelings better! We even miscarried around the same time, and I'm right there with you on the wacky cycles. I wish I knew what was going on.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Manessa* 
I couldn't have summed up my feelings better! We even miscarried around the same time, and I'm right there with you on the wacky cycles. I wish I knew what was going on.

Here's hoping our month is coming!


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
Here's hoping our month is coming!









Amen!


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
I feel a little defective. Worried. Not having a lot of faith in my body.









: I was already feeling defective before the m/c because we've been TTC for over a year and nothing. I thought something was wrong with me. Then the







and immediately after the m/c. Beside the ultimate sadness at losing something I longed for so much, I felt so betrayed by my body - it felt like it wasn't me. I remember taking a bath a few days later and looking strangely at my legs and the hollow belly as if they weren't mine. I just couldn't trust it. I think that's part of the reason I went on the ultimate health kick afterwards. In some ways I want to fix my body and have it be mine again. At the same time I am happy that I was able to conceive.
It is so confusing. Hugs to everyone, it is great to have this group for support.


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

Yeah. We tried for a long time, and I was starting to feel like I wasn't able to get pregnant. Then we started with the 'Answer' ovulation monitor sticks, and two months later there it was, the positive test.







:

I had a bad feeling from the beginning. I think in part it was because a friend of mine finally started trying with her new husband a few years back when she was 41 or 42; she got pregnant twice and both times by 6 weeks it was gone. After those two losses and a bunch of failed attempts at in vitro they gave up and focused on their dogs instead. I started to worry that I'd be like her, that even though it had happened it wasn't going to last, and in the long run even though I've found the perfect man and felt ready to have a family it wasn't going to happen for me.

Then, bam. Three days after the positive I started to bleed. After two weeks of bleeding, even though my HCG numbers were going up (slowly) at first, it was over.

Now I just don't know. I guess I'm glad I can conceive. It reminds me of _Seinfeld_: 'you can TAKE the reservation, you just can't HOLD the reservation...'


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Huge, huge hugs to everyone here.





















This is such a hard part of loss!!! And JayJay, you don't sound like you're whining (and just for the record, we would still love you even if you did).


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## haleyelianasmom (Nov 5, 2005)

It's funny you mention the feelings of wanting a baby. I had strong maternal feelings from very early. As in, I always loved working in child care and babysitting and just was really excited to be a parent from the time I was, I don't know, 18? Seriously. My husband and I got married pretty young (we were almost 22 and almost 24) and we had our first daughter less than a year later. I almost felt weird starting so early compared to everyone else, but it was right for us. I always expected I'd want more right away, but knew logically that we should wait a while to start trying for #2. Well, oddly, I never felt any sort of feelings of wanting another child and I felt like I must be weird because so many people I know seem to just be ready for another baby by the time theri most recent child is 1 or so. My daughter was almost 3.5 (a couple months ago) when I finally felt ready and that's the month we tried and conceived. That's the pregnancy we lost. I worry that it will happen again or that I will have complications due to the D&C. I also am hoping that my body is healing well and that my cycles will come back and be normal and that I'm not damaged from the D&C. I did have some anger towards my body initially, but I know that it can be something that has nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for your loss and you really aren't defective.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I did. Still do, sometimes. I try to ignore the feelings, but they're there sometimes. My pregnancy was perfect and wonderful. I was one of those women who is meant to be pregnant - it was like I was the ultimate me during those 9 months, if that makes any sense. Even my labor was going well. It wasn't truthfully as hard as I was preparing for. And then, all of a sudden, we had to get him out NOW. Just after I birthed him, they told us to talk to him. he wasn't breathing. And he never did, on his own. I looked forward to birth for my entire pregnancy. I was never afraid of it - I was excited for it, and people thought I was nuts. But I felt broken. My body was broken and killed my son. I wanted to tear at myself and give up. But now I try to think and understand that it was just a stupid trick of fate. My sister and I decided once that it was Sir Isaac Newton's fault (the gravity caused the cord prolapse, you see). Placing blame on other things took it away from me. So screw you, Sir Isaac Newton, my body is just fine.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Yes. I feel utterly broken. I have two beautiful healthy children. Their pregnancies were VERY NON dramatic except for morning sickness the entire pregnancy. They thought I MUST have Gestational diabetes because they were so big- 10 pounds and 9.4, but I didn't. They were just big, healthy babies. My body did it, twice. And now? I've had two 2nd trimester losses and one 5 week loss...in one year. All the autopsy and pathology reports on the babies came back perfect. It's me....we just can't figure out what it is. I feel like, "I've done it before, why won't my body let me do it again?" I AM that statistic. Your chances of losing a pregnancy in the 2nd trimester is low...really low. Chances of it happening twice? Even lower. It's disheartening at best.

The good news is that


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I feel so guilty about what happened and will always feel it was my fault. I had an uneventful pregnancy I used hypnosis in the birth to reduce any painkillers I needed to give Isabel the best start. Trouble was I couldn't keep her alive at home beyond a week or so. The guilt I feel is awful, now financially we will be in a better position for the next one. But I feel even worse that we had to have a 'dry run' just to get us organised. Now my body won't even give me a long enough LP to sustain a pregnancy so maybe I'm being punished for what happened.

All the time I was pregnant I was sure something would go wrong, like I'd be the first to drop her or something. Everythign always goes wrong for us, no luck would be better than all this bad luck. But I never really realised how wrong things would go. I really want another baby but I now have my initial feelings of what do you do with a baby, combined with the new feelings of, when am I going to fuck up the next one.

I also feel I am being punished maybe for things I did in my past. Seriously it's not paranoia if life is out to get you.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

my instinct was to answer a huge whole-hearted YES!
then i read the replies and related to so many of the feelings
but because it was not my own experience i felt so much compassion!
(i am harder on myself than on others)

i have my own burden of defective feelings...
met my love of my life late, we married when i was 35
started ttc right away
after 3 mo. i had a chemical pregnancy
then it took another year and 3 mo. after that to conceive again
i charted, took herbs, millions of vitamins, i tried hypnosis and went to 4 different acupuncturists in search of a real fertility expert, had a hysterosalpinogram, went to two different infertility Drs., the day after seeing the second Dr. i found out i was already pregnant!

my pregnancy was terrifying for that 1st trimester! because i also felt like it couldn't be possible for me to really have made a healthy baby
then i grew to enjoy my pregnancy shocked all my friends by staying i could be pregnant forever (and i really could) it was a wonderful feeling for me!
but we were not to have the gift of our son in our arms, he was still-born and i was propelled back into "what did i do wrong?" "what didn't i do right"
"what else could i have done"
blame blame blame
my husband is the optimist and he reminds me over and over again that i am not at fault
but i feel DEFECTIVE! and undeserving of a child!

how could my little Milos make it so far and not make it!
it breaks my heart and i feel it's my fault!

i want a child ASAP! (we are about to being ttc and looking into adoption simultaneously)
but i am terrified that my body will not comply (now i am 37, 38 in Oct.) and i know my brain can interfere withe whole process greatly!
i do not want to revisit what i went through to have Milos
but it may be unavoidable!

so that's my long defective story
and i want to say that if i heard this from someone else
would i tell all of us...
we are NOT defective! we are WOMEN!
if my journey has taught me anything (other than how painful life can get) it is that no one tells you how complicated it is to be a woman!
we are beautifully intricate beings, all with unique bodies and hormones and cycles and strengths and weakness and ease and resistance
we see other women who flow thorough their reproductive lives with out any worry or fear
but by reaching out i see just as many who vary from that fairy-tale
and we are just all women!
no one tells you this is how it is
but are living proof that this is, for better or worse, what it means to be a woman
and with the help of each-other maybe we can make it through in one piece!


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh Abbey, that is a gorgeous reply!
















You are right, you know - we are all just women, leading our quiet, complicated lives with our quiet, complicated reproductive systems in our quiet, complicated mama bellies from which all creativity flows.

I do hold it in my mind that someday maybe a decade or so from now, all of us will be looking back at this time in our lives when we felt so wrong inside, and will be able to say "you know though, we came through that and had more babies anyway







"

We will have our babies. We will. Others have and we will also. If we gather our strength as women and bond together, we can pinpoint all of that creative energy on our souls and get it back three times, as the old ways would promise









*HUGE hugs* - my adorable, amazing friends. I love you all!

XXXX


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## heatherdeg (Dec 30, 2003)

I feel multiply defective:

I had already had 2 m/cs before I had my son 5 years ago.

The pregnancy with my son was an absolute nightmare--resulting in 5 weeks of hospitalization, a preemie c/s and a child with severe developmental problems that after 3 years of CONSTANT work (to the point of not bonding as a family) have resulted in a child that looks to most like he's okay--but we went through holy hell to get there.

This baby had such severe structural abnormalities that the chromosome results just explained what they saw.

I didn't trust that this time, my body would work in such a way as to not cause ME harm--that it would expel the pregnancy before it got that point.

And I didn't have strong enough faith to believe that I would be okay without intervening.

I feel like a truck ran me over. I had unresolved self-esteem issues to begin with; but this is really taking a toll on me and I don't really know how it's going to resolve itself. I'm seeking counseling, though.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Yes I do. I have had 4 pregnancies. Two have resulted in my living lights - my beautiful son and gorgeous daughter ... both of whom were born by emergency section for fetal distress brought on by "failure to progress" (could the medical profession do more to label me defective







:?) My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks and my fourth brought me my perfect, little Emma who was born VBAC and died because somehow my body trapped her cord between her and me, suffocating her. I did EVERYTHING I could to have faith in my body during her pregnancy. I listened to a hypnobirthing CD which encouraged me to imagine my body and my baby in a healing golden light. I used Psalm 139 as a meditation, "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are perfect."

Right now I don't feel fearfully or wonderfully made but I'm trying. As my DH said, when I questioned him about why he would trust me with another pregnancy (we're trying again), "You are brilliant at being pregnant. Look at the three times you grew our children to term. Each of them is beautiful. Your womb is a great place to be." (I LOVE him







) Maybe I'll make that my mantra next time through.

Abbey, I loved your reply. Thank you.

Fazer: Oh sweetie. I read your reply and just wanted to sweep you up and hug you and make it better. I'm just sorry I can't. But Isabel's baby sibling will be blessed to be your child. I believe that. I truly do.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so overwhelmed by the greatness of emotion and pain and hope in this thread... I just wanted to post a







We're so fortunate to have our wonderful partners, and this community to support us when we falter...


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I do feel like my body failed Max. Somehow it was able to sustain 3 pregnancies without any complications & then on the 4th it just didn't work like it was supposed to. I don't know why, but the result is a huge lack of faith in my body and its ability to do what it was created to do. I'm not sure it is something I'll ever make a full peace with.

Despite all that, we will try again. I might not trust my body as naively as I once did, but that lack of trust doesn't make me want to give up all hope. I'll just need more support along the way.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 

Despite all that, we will try again. I might not trust my body as naively as I once did, but that lack of trust doesn't make me want to give up all hope. I'll just need more support along the way.









:

Well said.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I most certainly do. And I think I will always carry the guilt that I've carried for the past nearly 9yrs.








to everyone


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i did feel defective in the months following joslyns death. it was such a hard thing to go through. i would struggle thinking, "am i ever going to be able to have children? will my body do this again? (i went into preterm labor with no answers and no apparent pregnancy issues i could see) will my hubby leave me if i can never have a living child?"
my dh is very sweet, he helped me through and never ever ever made me feel defective, but that's just what i thought in my mind. i think if i went through another loss i would very much feel defective, but for now i am currently TTC starting this month and i have HOPE.


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