# Unfortunately, I am back again...



## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

On August 5th 2004, I lost my son Isaiah. I found this forum and met wonderful women here. I had a miscarriage sometime afterwards and then my husband and I became pregnant again.

On January 30th, I found out that my pregnant full of life belly was now still. My son had no viable heartbeat. I was 31 weeks. 31 WEEKS!!!!! On February 2nd, he was born silent. We named him Joshua. He was 4 lbs and 5 oz. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck twice. He was such a mover and a shaker. I loved feeling him move. It was miraculous, it fet so...right.

I left the hospital on Saturday the 4th and I was readmitted in the hospital on Monday for congestive heart failure. Apparently all the IV fluids they gave me had backed up on my heart and my lungs. I was released on Tuesday so we buried him Wednesday.

Since he was silent for so long, he had begun to peel. His skin was half off of his face. The other half of his face reminded me of my husband. I became sick when I saw him and couldn't control my heaving...I got SICK b/c of the way that he looked. WHWY??? WHY??? I am such a terrible, terrible person. I swear I didn't mean to...

This is the first time that I have actually cried and written about this. I can't do what I really want to as far as grieving b/c of my congestive heart failure, but it feels a bit better to let it all out....

Thank you all for listening to me...


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## hipem (Jul 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry, Mama.


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Shai, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious babies. Please don't be hard on yourself. You are not a terrible person, but a grieving mother. Please keep coming here for support. So many have been where you are. Many hugs to you, mama.

Liz


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## surf mama (Jan 8, 2005)

I am just so sorry! I hope it helps to come here and let us cry with you! I wish you healing for your body and your heart.







Joshua


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## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

Im so sorry for your losses
you have been through so much
you were probaly more sick with realizing he was actually gone and the shock of that than the way he looked, please dont think you are a terrible person.


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## ikesmom (Oct 29, 2005)

:


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so so sorry.







Joshua


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Oh Shai,
My heart is aching for you, mama. I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. Please be gentle with yourself while you are healing -- you are NOT a terrible person, you are a person who is dealing with an unfair, traumatic loss of a baby you had been hoping and planning for and the thought of that would make anyone feel sick. Grief has so many emotions and very few of them can we control. You are in my thoughts and prayers


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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

I'm so sorry


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

I am so sorry. What a terrible time for you and your family.


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## Gray's Mommy (Jul 8, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sons and your miscarriage. You are under a terrible amount of stress and grief. I would say you are greiving for not one loss, but three. Be gentle with yourself.







for you & your husband and a







for your babies.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

I am so sorry mama.







's Please be gentle on yourself during this time.







Joshua


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

I am so sorry.







Joshua Be gentle with yourself mama. You are not a terrible person, just grieving your precious son.

I hope you are physically doing alright. We are here for you.

Peace and love,

Patti


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

PLease please be easy with your spirit mama-it is so broken I am sure.You are allowed to grieve anyway you feel.....my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Mama I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself while you deal with this devastating loss

tara


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

thank you everyone!! I appreciate it so! I remember some of the names in this thread. I was rereading my first introduction to this board and it brought back such painful memories.

Thank you all for your support while we are going thru this again. *sigh* losing a baby is so hard. Let alone 2 stillborns within a year and a half of each other!!!

*sigh*


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I'm so very sorry. Since I know there's no right words right now, what I can do is tell you something that I've NEVER spoken about before.

When Connor was born silently in March of 2004, you could see the outline of his brain on his forehead. When pushing him out, his skin just formed and remained like that. I made the nurses cover his head with a hat because I was terrified by it. I was terrified if there was something wrong with him. Mostly, I was terrified by how it looked. His face and little lips were so adorable but to this day, I can close my eyes and think about his forehead. I have few pictures that the hospital took that I actually like. Mainly...because they didn't put a hat on him. I felt so ashamed that I found this part so distrubing...I mean shouldn't I have seen past that? Now, I don't think about that hardly ever. Finding out that it was normal and that it didn't mean anything more was helpful. The reality is that you are dealing with enough in that moment and although you feel this abundance of love, you are in shock and seeing anything that is "not normal" is difficult to adjust to in those moments. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Although, that coming from the queen of being too hard on herself is somewhat pretty funny.

Much peace to you!


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Mama I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you have been through.
I am so so sorry I have no words. I will be thinking about you.
Please do not feel bad about what happened when you saw him. He was loved and missed and you were under so much grief and stress...







You are a good mama remember your love for him and your care for him through all those days that he was with you







That is what matters... that love is the love that he felt!


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

shai,
I'm so sorry. There are no words.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Shai







There are no words. I am so sorry that you are going through this again.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so sorry.


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## BasilBean (Feb 14, 2006)

Shai,
I also have recently suffered a loss. My son, William, was born on February 1st. He was 22 weeks old, too small to survive this world--but, for some reason, I went into labor anyway. He was alive and moving right up until after my water broke. I was touched by your post because of how you are feeling about your response to seeing your son. I think that your reaction was a physical one, not one that you had any control over. Our babies are perfect to us, and to see them looking like they are "broken" is devestating. William's head was very bruised, so much so that it was dark purple while the rest of his body looked "normal." His head was also very fragile looking--for lack of a better way to describe it. My mother in law, who was present at his birth, asked for a hat right away. I refuse to let myself feel guilty for the mixed emotions that I felt. I love my son with all of my heart and ache for him constantly--as I am sure that you do as well. Focus on all of the positive aspects of his life. Joshua was a happy baby and he was so lucky to have a mother who loved him so deeply and wanted him so much. Be gentle with yourself, as well, as your body heals. I can only imagine how that adds to the pain of recovery. I am praying for you.
--Michelle


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## mrsalf97 (Oct 22, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss!


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Please be gentle w/yourself, mama.







s I know my own emotions have run the gamut and that's nothing to feel bad about. I wish you much peace and love on this grief journey.







Joshua


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)




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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your losses.


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ST*
shai,
I'm so sorry. There are no words.










(((ST))) thanks for the hug. I was so looking forward to hearing from you. I remember how you reached out to me when this first happened with Isaiah and I was searching for you. Hoping to run into you. I remember everything so clearly when you called me. You were a blessing....


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris0110*
Shai







There are no words. I am so sorry that you are going through this again.


((((iris))) thank you, I remember you as well in the other group and the advice you gave Me. It is very, very painful to have to go through this again!!

I couldn't come back in here for a while, it hurt like hell to read this again! Heck, right now I am in tears...

*sigh* I swear ladies it hurts like hell!!! I am so numb right now. It has been almost a month since we found out that he is gone. I can't even wrap my mind around it. I would be having him next month!!!


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
I'm so very sorry. Since I know there's no right words right now, what I can do is tell you something that I've NEVER spoken about before.

When Connor was born silently in March of 2004, you could see the outline of his brain on his forehead. When pushing him out, his skin just formed and remained like that. I made the nurses cover his head with a hat because I was terrified by it. I was terrified if there was something wrong with him. Mostly, I was terrified by how it looked. His face and little lips were so adorable but to this day, I can close my eyes and think about his forehead. I have few pictures that the hospital took that I actually like. Mainly...because they didn't put a hat on him. I felt so ashamed that I found this part so distrubing...I mean shouldn't I have seen past that? Now, I don't think about that hardly ever. Finding out that it was normal and that it didn't mean anything more was helpful. The reality is that you are dealing with enough in that moment and although you feel this abundance of love, you are in shock and seeing anything that is "not normal" is difficult to adjust to in those moments. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Although, that coming from the queen of being too hard on herself is somewhat pretty funny.

Much peace to you!


wilkers, I have read your "journey" from Connor to the new baby and I was thinking that is going to be me one day you know...when I was pregnant before Joshua, I was ecstatic!!! Then when I had a miscarriage, I was upset, but not that much b/c I didn't have to delilver, it just happened, you know! Not sure if that makes sense, but I was so happy that the pain I endured with Isaiah wasn't happening again. I was upset b/c I lost another child. Then we find out we were pregnant again. We were soooooo happy!! When I passed 26 weeks, we KNEW that all was going to be golden!!! For this to happen and the way I reacted, whether it was physical or not, is just heartbreaking...My heart hurts so bad, physically and emotionally...

I just wish I had a chance to do it over again, hold my baby longer, clean him, place him next to my heart, show love to him more....kiss him all over and get past his looks. I wish I had a stronger stomach.

I wish...........

Why did this have to happen again, that's all I want to know!! What is so special or not special about ME to take BOTH MY SONS AWAY FROM ME!!!!!
I didn't even have a chance to change them, nurse them, sing to them, kiss them, hum to them, make fun of their gassy faces....NOTHING!!!!!
WHY THEM AND WHY ME?????????????

I'll never know and that hurts....


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

to everyone else (((((hugs)))) I appreciate the encouragement b/c I tell you I don't have anything. Empty, I feel like an empty shell.

I went to the dr last week for a checkup and was told if I was to get pregnant again, I would die. Do you know how that feels...It killed ME, every inch of me!!!! So the last times I was pregnant all ended in death. Not a good feeling at all. I want to bring a life into the world and share every inch of my aching heart with them!!!

I love my kids all of them, but I think I am just being cold to them. Finding fault or something. Lil Shai looks like Isaiah and Analise/hubby looks like Joshua. When I see the girls, I am mad at them. I know that makes no sense, but I have so many feelings I don't know what the heck to do...

sorry for my long winded rants....


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I dont even know what to say to you after reading your last couple of posts....
I am crying for you and with you.

its just not fair.

love to you.


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## corysmilk (Jan 2, 2004)

are you ok?
you haven't posted for a while. I am sorry for your losses.
Elizabeth


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shai*
to everyone else (((((hugs)))) I appreciate the encouragement b/c I tell you I don't have anything. Empty, I feel like an empty shell.

I went to the dr last week for a checkup and was told if I was to get pregnant again, I would die. Do you know how that feels...It killed ME, every inch of me!!!!

what is this based on? i would seek a second opinion from a perinatologist. i have a friend who had a clotting disorder when she was pregnant last time and her OB said she would have to have shots again if she got pregnant again. she went and saw a perinatologist who told her this was untrue.

my cousin had a child with cystic fibrosis. the doctors told her no more children. she had six more perfectly healthy children. doctors are NOT god and we should not take their word so literally. they make mistakes and many times their opinions are based on what they think is best for patients without know what is in her heart.

shai, i would get all of joshua's medical records and go see a perinatologist ASAP and see what his/her opinion is. i think you will feel better when you are empowered by all the facts about what happened with your previous pregnancies. there is NOTHING wrong with you. you have had healthy children and pregnancy loss does not mean you are damaged in some way.

hugs hugs to you mama, hang in there.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

shai, I was hoping you would post again. I am so so sorry that you are mourning both of your children and dealing with physical issues yourself. This is just pain that no woman should ever have to feel.

PM me your email address if you get the chance.

I really think you should try and get to a specialist with your records to get some clear cut answers. Were you ever tested for a clotting disorder? I will give you the name of my perinatologist- he's in the city, a hike for you, but he's excellent.

I wish I could take away your pain, even a little. Do you have a therapist or grief counselor you can talk to?

(((((hugs)))))


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm so sorry, mama...

Please, I know it's hard but don't feel like you're a terrible person for recoiling at his appearance. I think to some extent that is normal, it's self-protection... we don't want to feel the pain knowing that our children have died.

My son had a deformity of his lower body, but he was wrapped in a blanket when they handed him to me. When I was looking for his hands, I was terrified I would somehow unravel the blanket and see it...
I didn't want to. Everyone else who was there saw him naked as he was born, and no one else was terrified - but I was so scared to see him that way. I wanted to remember his face and the wrinkles on his knuckles.

So I never did see what he looked like - all of him. I'm okay with that. At first I loaded on the guilt about being such a terrible person, but after a while I realized it was okay. That's what I needed then. I've since had my husband draw him: he was as I'd always pictured he'd be when he was in the womb and I told my husband something was wrong with his legs.


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