# Help! 2 month old will not sleep unless held



## Hope4Baby (May 12, 2009)

So my 2 month old will not sleep at night unless held. She is very irritable at night. During the day she will fall asleep fine in her swing or bouncy seat. I am trying to get her to sleep in her cradle or crib but she will not have anything to do with it. I let her cry last night for 20 minutes in her crib before I got her and rocked her to sleep. I have been sleeping on the couch every night next to her swing. Even if I put her in the crib or cradle after shes asleep, she wakes up. We have not held her a lot from day one because I do not want her spoiled. I need help because I go back to work in 1 month and I would like to have her sleeping in her crib.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Have you tried swaddling?

One reason why babies wake up so often is that they have very poor control over their limbs, and they're easily startled by movement. So every time she flails, she wakes up. A good firm swaddle, especially during the "fourth trimester" can help a lot. You might want to check out "The Happiest Baby on the Block" (book or DVD) by Harvey Karp.

That said: you will not spoil your baby by holding her. In fact, very small babies are so used to constant contact (they were held 24 hours a day while they were in the womb, after all), that they can be sort of disoriented without it.

Finally, I don't think you should deprive yourself of this particular part of the joys of parenthood - newborns and babies are so demanding, so consuming of our time and patience and energy, that I think parents deserve the compensation of baby snuggles. We don't just hold them because they want to be held, we hold them to help ourselves recharge and feel good.


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## Hope4Baby (May 12, 2009)

She hates to be swaddled.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

whoa whoa whoa mama it sounds like you are getting some bad advice. you CAN NOT spoil a baby. you should be holding you're baby a ton at this age.

all i can suggest is attachment parenting. which would include co-sleeping and babywearing (+ holding her)

shes only 2 months old of course she needs you!


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## Hope4Baby (May 12, 2009)

I am not saying I don't hold her. I hold her. As for co-sleeping, I feel that is dangerous. And I don't want a 3 year old sleeping with me. Co-sleeping is a hard habit to break. I have read many books that say co-sleeping is bad and can cause SIDS. I just want to do the right thing so my baby is happy and healthy. I don't want to start any bad habits that's all. I appreciate any input though.


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## Shaki (Mar 15, 2006)

I was going to suggest co-sleeping to you. I see that you are concerned about safety issues. You can get a co-sleeper (a basinet type thing that attaches to the bed but provides a separate sleep space) or you can "side car" her crib (put her crib right next to your bed), If you are worried about bed sharing. I have co-slept with my DD, in the same bed, since the day she was born, as have many of the other Mamas on this board. She is fine and healthy and I've gotten a lot of joy out of being able to cuddle and snuggle her at night. Plus lots more rest than I would have gotten If she didn't sleep with us!

This is a board that supports safe co-sleeping and a place where you can learn about the benefits of co-sleeping. Look around on this forum and you may find your self re thinking your ideas about it. If co-sleeping is not for you (it doesn't work for all families) there are some books like the no cry sleep solution that may give you some gentle strategies for helping your DD sleep on her own.

One other suggestion I have is: maybe bring the swing into your bedroom?

Good luck to you!

Edited to add one final thought. Many working Moms like to co-sleep because it gives them a chance to be with their babe after being away at work, so co-sleeping can work and be a positive thing for working parents. It's not just for stay at home parents.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I'm not sure you are going to get the advice you're looking for here. Most people on this board practice some form of attatchment/continuum concept parenting. This means that we believe fairly strongly that lots of physical contact with babies, especially babies as young as your little one, is not just nice but vital for their health and wellbeing. And there is plenty of evidence to support this.

It is really hard when you have a baby who won't sleep but you will not spoil your baby by holding her and responding to her needs. Leaving her to cry for 20 minutes in her cot alone is known as cry-it-out (CIO) which can be harmful for growing brains. Even advocates of CIO don't recommend it at 2 months.

Bed sharing doesn't suit everyone (although it isn't dangerous if you follow a few simple safety rules) but my advice would be to hold your LO as much as possible. Do you have a carrier of some sort? I like the Moby for that age but there are lots of others as well. This will give your arms and back a break and means you'll have you're hands free to do other things. Are you able to get outside everyday? I have found fresh air tends to help my LO sleep. Would you be comfortable lying down to feed her? I can't sleep while my LO is feeding but it is nice to lie down and close my eyes for awhile. You mentioned that she doesn't like swaddling. My daughter didn't either at that age. I would suggest trying it every now and then though as it has worked a few times for us as she's gotten older. We found the exercise ball really good for bouncing to sleep to. Both in our arms and laying her over the ball and gently bouncing her. Are you able to take turns with your partner overnight so you both get some sleep? I am a night person and my husband is a morning person so I do the wake-ups until 4am and he takes her after that (and just brings her to me for feeds) so I can sleep in. Can you catch up during the day when she is having a nap? Obviously this won't when you have to go back to work but I'm a big fan of sleeping when you can









I hear what you're saying about bad habits but I honestly believe that what we're talking about here are not bad habits but responding to developmentally appropriate needs. I really like the book 'The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland which explains it all really well. Little babies need lots of contact with their parents to feel secure and regulate their emotions and vital body functions.

I'm not a fan of anecdata and I think it depends a fair bit on personality as well but this has been my experience. At 2 m.o. (and since her birth) our babe was in someone's arms at all times except when she was on the change table or asleep in bed with one or both of us. Now, at 6 m.o., she sleeps alone for most of her naps (unless I decide to have a little nap too







) and for the first few hours at night (until we go to bed) and will happily play on the floor by herself while I do something nearby. Strangers regularly comment on how happy she is to be quietly present without requiring our constant attention (we practice continuum concept so she is usually at the centre of activity, on our chests, but not the centre of attention).

All the best. Sleep deprivation is horrible so I really hope you can all get some rest soon.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

I hope you will look into co-sleeping again; I think it would be the best option for you at this time. Unsafe co-sleeping (big fluffy pillows, heavy blankets, etc.) is dangerous, just as an unsafe crib environment (big fluffy pillows, heavy blankets, etc.) is dangerous. However, safe co-sleeping does not increase the risk of SIDS, and you will not find any credible study that shows it does. I happen to think co-sleeping decreases the chance of SIDS, as the mother is right there next to her baby, and oftentimes senses, even in her sleep, if something is amiss. It has also been proven that sleeping in the same room as your infant decreases the chance of SIDS, and I think that that chance is decreased even further by sleeping in the same bed.

As far as co-sleeping being a hard habit to break.....there are a lot of things you're going to be doing with your infant, that you won't be doing once she's a child. Right now you carry her around everywhere, you wipe her bottom, you burp her....but you won't be doing that when she's a child. Kids learn to do things on their own, in their own time; there's no need to force independence early. And if you don't want your 3 year old sleeping with you, you can just tell her, "I love you very much, but I need my own space to sleep in, so you will be sleeping in your own bed," and even if she doesn't like it, she will understand why you're doing it. At 2 months old, your baby doesn't even realize that you and she are separate people. If you leave her alone to cry in her crib, all she knows is that a part of her is missing, and she has no idea that you will return.

I believe that by meeting our infants' needs (and at this young age, babies only have needs, not wants), by nurturing, cuddling, and unconditionally loving our babies, we are providing them with a secure relationship, a home base, from which they can gain confidence, venture out into the world, and achieve independence. I think by holding our babies when they need to be held, and responding to them when they cry, we are telling them that they are important and they are heard and they are safe. It's only when a child feels safe and loved that they can easily become self-confident, self-sufficient children and adults.


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## cyclamen (Jul 10, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Hope4Baby*
> 
> She hates to be swaddled.


Does she fight it? My DD would struggle and cry as I did it, but once she was nice and tight, you could see her just relax with relief, and she would stop crying within a few moments. If she's crying a lot after she's swaddled, it's probably not for her, but if she's only protesting as you do it, she's just being a baby. Like a PP said they don't have a ton of control over their movements so it could seem like they "don't like it" when in fact it's just the thing that will calm them down.

Also if she sleeps better with you nearby, could you bring her crib or swing into your room? Then she is still in her own space, but she may be more relaxed and may sleep better.

Also, it sounds like she's associating rocking with sleep...

Could you rock her until she's almost asleep, then lay her down. Give her a moment to try and fall asleep on her own. Then if she starts to cry big, pick her up and rock her again until she's calm and drowsy, then lay her down again. Maybe sing her a song in the mean time? You'll probably have to do it a million times the first night, but this is one of the ways that you can help her learn how to fall asleep.

Although the conventional wisdom is that you really can't teach a baby anything about sleep until they are six months. But anyhow, is there someone else who can get up with her too, when you go back to work?


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## Hope4Baby (May 12, 2009)

I thank you all for your suggestions. Last night I HELD her until she fell asleep. I placed her in her cradle and she slept for a few hours, then when she cried at 5am I took her in our bed and she fell fast asleep and slept another 2 hours! I am going to buy and read some of the books suggested. Thank you for sharing with me as I am a new mom and need all the good advice I can get.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Hope4Baby*
> 
> I thank you all for your suggestions. Last night I HELD her until she fell asleep. I placed her in her cradle and she slept for a few hours, then when she cried at 5am I took her in our bed and she fell fast asleep and slept another 2 hours! I am going to buy and read some of the books suggested. Thank you for sharing with me as I am a new mom and need all the good advice I can get.


Wow, that sounds great! I'm so glad you took the advice of the mamas who posted in reply to your original post. I hope you continue to listen to your baby - the things that you do will grow and change as she does. The things you are doing now, you most likely wont' be doing a few months down the road! And as the mother of a 5 yr old and 3 yr old (and baby on the way) it doesn't take long for babies to grow up and for you to see your parenting efforts paying off in the form of loving, confident, comfortable, happy children!


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

This guy is an expert on co-sleeping and has a lot of good information on safety since it's a concern of yours http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/ . The book already recommended The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland is really great. I got it through my library and then bought a copy. Here's a link with a "look inside" feature http://www.amazon.com/Science-Parenting-Margot-Sunderland/dp/075663993X .


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Glad to hear you taking in some of these wise mamas suggestions. You can never spoil a baby!


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

great job mama i know its hard with all the misinformation out there about babies "manipulating" and plotting against you lol they dont trust me! the more love and attachment they recieve the more confident and independent they are!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

So glad you both got some sleep


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## VocalMinority (Apr 8, 2009)

Mama, she just came out of your body. You're not spoiling her, by holding her. When she reaches the point that she doesn't want/need you to hold her all the time, one day your heart will skip a beat and you'll say, "Oh my God, how did she get this big, so fast? It seems like she was just born." Hold her as much as you can, while you can. Daycare will take care of itself. Children adjust to the lives they're given.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Hope4Baby*
> 
> I thank you all for your suggestions. Last night I HELD her until she fell asleep. I placed her in her cradle and she slept for a few hours, then when she cried at 5am I took her in our bed and she fell fast asleep and slept another 2 hours! I am going to buy and read some of the books suggested. Thank you for sharing with me as I am a new mom and need all the good advice I can get.


That's wonderful!


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## Starry-eyedMom (Oct 10, 2009)

I felt as you first did when I had my DS1. I had been told about "spoiling" and "safety" of cribs. Luckily, I picked up a Dr. Sears' book on attachment parenting called THE BABY BOOK before delivery, and it allowed me to feel justified in what seemed right and natural to me: holding my baby A LOT and sleeping with him. If you're on this board, you may find yourself learning about/accepting a more traditional way of baby-rearing: babies have been "worn" and kept close at night for thousands of years and across many cultures. I also work and this is how I keep our bond strong (aside from reducing hours to 25 a week







). Can I also suggest finding a daycare provider that will wear your baby as well? Nothing sadder than a baby crying amid feelings of abandonment/loneliness. I found a wonderful AP mama who watches mine and baby girl is very happy in the Moby wrap a large part of her time there.


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