# Why does the general populous



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

veiw stillbirths or infant deaths as nothing???

I mean, DH pointed this out to me about my mom. She sent us a card and she told me I had to ask her for any form of help from her because she wasnt going to offer it.

Well, that's fine by me, she is estranged from us and her "help" is always detrimental in some form.

But I asked DH why couldn't she have offered? What about her and the overall general populous veiws miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant death as nothing important.

And DH said, because to them- you never knew the baby. You never got a chance to know the baby so it's not like it's heartbreaking or anything. They'd have to experience it in order for them to realize the depths of just how heartbreaking it really is.








:

And it made me realize how true it is.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.







:

But is is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. Do you ever see a







: anywhere during that month- or at all? Do you hear about it at all? I didn't. And I looked, actively looked for something... ANYTHING that acknowledged us. Maybe it's because October came just days after Lasius died and I was looking for some type of consolation prize... that at least others are aware that it DOES happen...

Well, they don't. They don't even know Oct is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I cried so hard during October so many times. Not for just Las (although I cry a lot for him too) but for all the PARENTS who have had to go through it and are silenced by the media and all the ignorance and lack of proper attention that it should get.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to bring about awareness? Because I want to actively make the public aware that this does and can happen to anyone. And I want people to know that October is not soley dedicated to breasts. But precious children too.

This just hit me tonight. Hit me enough to put into words. I'm sorry if I have upset anyone.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Ambrose--

I think part of it is because a baby dying is the most awful, wrong thing imaginable. People don't want to think of the baby or the pain the parents are in, if they don't have to.

We even see it some here on this thread, the mamas who try to just move on, without letting themselves grieve. We can't do that, we have to incorporate the losses of our babies, no matter how old or young, into our lives. People around us....they don't have to think about our dead babies unless they want to (or we make them).

Wow, that's the long way to say people like to stick their heads in the sand.

I'm on a one woman crusade, to talk about my m/c's more. That's what I can do. It's not easy and I'm a very private person when I'm not here....but when people start asking why I don't have kids, I'm going to try to tell them.

What good does it do anyone to not do that? It makes women like us, and the dads too, feel more alone. It perpetuates the myth that pregnancy is happy and easy and wonderful, when it is fragile and scary and sometimes excruciatingly sad. And it wounds me a bit, to have someone bring it up, then not tell them what they just unwittingly did.

As far as your Mom...my Mom kinda hurt my feelings when she was completely disinterested in my wedding. I thought she was being really callous and selfish. Turns out, my Grandma micromanaged my Mom's wedding, right down to the dress. My Mom thought she was doing me a favor by staying out. You know your own mother, obviously. But sometimes there is more to the story. I hope your mom is nicer than she sounds!

Maybe we should wear jewelry with the pregnancy/birth loss ribbon on it? Not a lot of people would ask about it, but if we start with a few, that could make a difference.

What are your ideas, Ambrose?










Keri


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 

What good does it do anyone to not do that? It makes women like us, and the dads too, feel more alone. It perpetuates the myth that pregnancy is happy and easy and wonderful, when it is fragile and scary and sometimes excruciatingly sad. And it wounds me a bit, to have someone bring it up, then not tell them what they just unwittingly did.

Keri


My MIL made a good point when she said one time that the hardest and most fragile time in a person's life is the first 9 months.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I would be all for wearing some type of jewelry in memory of my baby and the other babies that other women have lost. Any ideas?


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## provocativa (Jan 17, 2005)

I don't think anyone views it as nothing, but our culture does not teach us an appropriate response, especially because people view some m/c as more tragic than others, i.e., losing a wanted or planned child is more emotionally painful than losing an unwanted one. Then in other situations, it is so horrifying one can't find the words because one obviously cannot empathize and sympathy seems condescending.


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
Ambrose--
We can't do that, we have to incorporate the losses of our babies, no matter how old or young, into our lives. People around us....they don't have to think about our dead babies unless they want to (or we make them).

I'm on a one woman crusade, to talk about my m/c's more. That's what I can do. It's not easy and I'm a very private person when I'm not here....but when people start asking why I don't have kids, I'm going to try to tell them.

What good does it do anyone to not do that? It makes women like us, and the dads too, feel more alone. It perpetuates the myth that pregnancy is happy and easy and wonderful, when it is fragile and scary and sometimes excruciatingly sad. And it wounds me a bit, to have someone bring it up, then not tell them what they just unwittingly did.


Beautifully said.

I've had 5 losses and I healthy birth, and I don't hide my losses. I was one of those people who had no idea that miscarriage was so common until I had my first one (at 10 weeks in Oct 2000). I worked in a department of 60 women, and as I talked about it to people, I had fully a THIRD of my co-workers tell me that they had had at least one loss, too, including one who lost a pregnancy at 6 months due to an incompetent cervix, and another who lost a baby at term.

Part of me was comforted to know I wasn't alone, but another part of me was really pissed off that the subject was so taboo. I felt like I had been lied to by everyone, fed the lines about pregnancy automatically equals a baby in 9 months.

2 years ago I got a Tree of Life tattooed on my left shoulder as a memorial to my losses (and have another one since, too), and I never hesitate to tell people what it's for. I consider it one of my missions in life to talk about things that no one else seems to: miscarriage, circumcision, and breastfeeding.


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## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

I have had 4 women close to me that had the same thing happen to them that I had. All had still born babies. They are all older women and no one ever helped them. They did not have what we have now and back then it was not "cosher" to discuss things of that nature.
They are the strongest women that I know. I never knew what made them so strong.
I agree with you Ambrose, I have emailed Oprah, I know that sounds corny, but she helps alot of people. I asked for her to open Americas eyes to this. She herself had a major loss of her own at 14, and I doubt she ever got the help she truely needed. So maybe some how she can help others, open their eyes to know that we are not "ok" right after our losses. That we need a little extra comfort, not forever and not to give us a reason to fall apart, but just an extra. If somehow someone as world wide and known as her could just help. Maybe someone that has been through this and thinks that they are not being rightfully heard and felt, and all of us that feel that people just forget about our pain. Maybe they will see that weeks, months, even years later we still hurt.
Who else could we go to?


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Ambrose,








I know how you feel...and how dare ppl think we "never knew the baby". I know I knew Alexis. She was my baby and I carried her for 9 months...She communicated with dh and I through movements and responses...

As for Infant & Stillbirth loss, I know exactly what you mean there as well. All on myspace, I kept getting bulletins on breast cancer and domestic violcence month...but only one person (I think an MDC momma from here) posted one about infant loss. I passed it on, and made my own blog about it. Like a pp said, we have to make them. Because yes, people do not think it can happen to them. I didn't. It seems like something that happens to people with "bad" lifestyles or who don't eat right. And it happened to me and my family and I couldn't beleive it. Speaking of myspace...in fact, theres a girl, I've known her since kindergarten. She would never repost any of my stillbirth/infant loss bulletins. When I told her Alexis died...she said "That sucks."







....Its not that I was expecting anything different to be honest...
anyway, she got pregnant last month...and lost the baby last week. Now, on her page, there are PG and infant loss blinkies all over the place. Thats what has to happen to get people to realize IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. She did not have a fullterm loss....she didn't have to spend months figuring out a name, buying a cute layette, and decorating the nursery. She didn't have to hear her baby heartbeat appt after appt anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby. She didn't have to feel her baby move 20 times and day and just stop moving all of a sudden, no. BUT, she, for that little bit of time, was a mother. And she has lost. Now, her eyes are opened to pg loss. She's aware of it...and hopefully she'll pass it on.


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

I wonder if there were more "awareness" if people who purposefully abort their child will expect to have a spot with the grieving parents of pregnancy losses in the whole pregnancy loss awareness month/movement. Since, I'm sure they will point out, that it isn't an easy choice and it is a tramatic experience. KWIM?

I think that would make me sick.

It is true though, that it is highly overlooked by those who haven't been through it. Even by me before this even though I may have been a little more aware since my mother experienced losses that I cried over. But still. You just have no idea what it's like, I think, until you go through it. Until then, you can only imagine and even the, you still can't truly emphathize/understand/sympathize and probably never know what to say.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Have any of you checked out labelledame.com? I'm not trying to randomly advertise, but she has some really beautiful, meaningful birth loss jewelry. At the bottom of the m/c & infant loss jewelry page is a pregnancy/birth loss awareness bracelet, with the pink & blue ribbon.

That's one place where you can get a tangible symbol of your losses, or get something that will help broach the topic with people. Even if only one person would ask about the bracelet, how many people can one other person impact?

StacieM--you have guts. That crossed my mind, too, but I didn't want to bring up the subject of abortion. What I actually wanted to say was....I personally think that abortion has helped cause a devaluation of unborn life. It's just a 'blob of cells', 'tissue', a 'fetus', a 'choice'...the rhetoric is damaging and confusing.

And there are places for women who have aborted their babies, and then regret that decision and need help. I drive by a billboard that has a crisis line for such women. I do feel so very sorry for anyone who thinks that is their best choice. Can you imagine choosing to be in our shoes, but not even realizing that's what you're doing?

But I have suffered from early miscarriages, so maybe this issue hits closer to home for me.

Okay, I'm off that subject. Sorry.

bbaron, it's awesome that you contacted Oprah about this. You never know what will resonate with someone, and she does have a huge audience.

whateverdidiwants, you are my new hero. Thanks for sharing.
ambrose, good job in bringing up this subject.







for you and your angel Lasius


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose* 
Does anyone have any ideas on how to bring about awareness? Because I want to actively make the public aware that this does and can happen to anyone. And I want people to know that October is not soley dedicated to breasts. But precious children too.

I just wanted to answer this part of your post, Ambrose. They may not have this in your area, but we do a Walk to Remember every October. It acknowledges the parents who have lost a pregnancy or an infant. The mayor reads a proclamation and the names of each child is read by the bereavement nurse. We also walk around the park carrying a banner that says "Walk to Remember." My DH and I were honored to have been asked to carry the banner for our walk this year.

You're right. Generally speaking, people don't have a clue but I like to think of all those people walking or jogging or driving around the park that saw us and the banner and stopped in observance of what we were doing. Maybe they at least had their eyes opened up a little to how many people this really affects. And, that it can happen to _anyone_. I talk about it as much as I can. The stats are staggering for stillbirths and miscarriages. 50% of _all_ pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And, I want people to know that. There is no magic "week." I would like to scream that from the roof tops sometimes. But, that's a whole other thread.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

i have thought about this so many times...about HOW can we talk about this to people? And honestly I personally havent come up with any good ideas of my own.
Like, shortly after my loss every time I saw a pregnant woman I felt this bizzare need to let her know that No,not everything is so sugar and spice and everything nice, and stop smiling like an idiot because YOU DONT KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR BABY. But of course, thats not creating awareness...
A baby=life,new life. A baby doesnt=death. Society wants to see it this way, it is this way. We are exceptions,"accidents",we become part of statistics that no one ever wants to bring out in the open, to discuss, to explore further. Yea, it pisses me off, it really does.
I dont mean to sound so cruel, but I cant help but think-What if this happened to a high-profile celebrity? Like Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears or such?! Can you imagine the coverage it would get? The research funds that would be started,the awareness that would be created?
I too have discovered that I personally know two women that went through stillbirth. I never knew about it before, they never talked about it. What were they going to do, come up to me when I was already pregnant and say Hey I had a stillbirth.







:
I dont know how to bring on awareness about this. But I would really really like to find a way to do that.


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
StacieM--you have guts. That crossed my mind, too, but I didn't want to bring up the subject of abortion.

No, not guts, just a tendancy to speak my mind. I don't wish that decision on anyone. I know it's a tough one, but I just think it might be difficult for a lot of women/families who've experienced losses to be in a "group" right next to someone who chose that fate. KWIM?

I understand that it's not an easy decision to make and personally know a number of women who've been in this situation and didn't make the choice I would have, but it didn't make me like them any less. My heart broke for them because I know what they gave up and I know what they have to live with for the rest of their life. I do feel they probably need a support group of their own, but personally, I don't think it should be with those who've gone through losses which were not their choice.

Anyway - I too, would like to bring more awareness to this issue. Like many of you, I had no idea how many women experienced this. I want people to know that it's a part of my life, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me. It's simply part of who I am now and I want them to know about my child that no one got to know. That baby is still very much one of my children, just as much as any of the ones that are alive today.

It saddens me that people go through it and seemingly push it aside in public for the rest of their lives. I know they think about it throughout life. Why is it so taboo?

My mom experienced two losses of her own (2nd tri) and the only thing I think when I hear of women who've endured losses is how STRONG these women are. I think that should be recognized and celebrated along with the new life even if that life didn't last long. JMHO


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
I dont mean to sound so cruel, but I cant help but think-What if this happened to a high-profile celebrity? Like Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears or such?! Can you imagine the coverage it would get? The research funds that would be started,the awareness that would be created?


You know, Jackie Kennedy had a baby die shortly after birth when they were still in the White House. I wonder why there was never any awareness started after that, or maybe it was taboo back then?
I heard a good saying last night that helped me out alot. I had a hard time coming to grips with my loss at first and I tried alot to just ignore it. I heard it on a tv show. They said that you cannot heal a broken heart but just pretending it's not broken. That meant alot to me.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:

Like, shortly after my loss every time I saw a pregnant woman I felt this bizzare need to let her know that No,not everything is so sugar and spice and everything nice, and stop smiling like an idiot because YOU DONT KNOW WHAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR BABY. But of course, thats not creating awareness...
Ilovemysofie, I agree with everything in your post, but particularly this. After our loss of alexis, I would want to tell everyone. In fact, I caught myself doing it on this forum about 2 weeks ago. I'm so eager to tell every c section mommy to be aware, You're uterus can rupture and your baby could die. I don't want to scare anyone or be rude, but like you said, most women don't know the different ways babies can die. I didn't.

Also, about the celebrities. Ditto. I don't know much about Jackie Kennedy...but you know how now days the celebs have these "much anticipated babies". And you are right. If it had been Shiloh or Suri, oh everyone would be aware. Very aware. And all kinds of money would go into research of stillbirths. Everyone in Hollywood would be wearing pink & blue ribbons to their premieres, events and parties. Unfortunately, like I said, it has to happen to ppl before they become "aware". Being naive is human nature. And you know what they say...ignorance is bliss. How fun would it be thinking about m/c and stillbirths all 9 months while you're pregnant? NONE. No one wants to think about that....and I can't say I blame them...


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

That's the fine line that Awareness has to walk---enough information to help, but not so much that people want to avert their eyes and close their minds.

I too want to tell pregnant women to proceed with caution, it's not a time for blind optimism. I am officially a killjoy.

Marilyn Monroe had multiple m/c's, didn't she? Prince's ex wife had a m/c too, I think. Supposedly Pamela Anderson had a m/c before she and Kid Rock filed for divorce. Courtney Cox also had multiple m/c's I think...I remember reading that she was on heparin and aspirin while pregnant with Coco, which is the treatment for a clotting disorder.

I'm not sure on details, obviously. But celebrities aren't exempt from this, they CHOOSE not to publicize it much. I can't really blame them...wait, yes I can. And the media doesn't want to talk about dead babies, apparently.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

It's hard to know, though-- are they really trying not to publicize their miscarriages, or is the press just like everyone else and under-reporting them because of denial? Or is it that the stories don't sell (public denial again)?


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

Quote:

You know, Jackie Kennedy had a baby die shortly after birth when they were still in the White House. I wonder why there was never any awareness started after that, or maybe it was taboo back then?
I just looked Jackie Kennedy up on Wikipedia, and she had a miscarriage in 1955 and a stillborn daughter named Arabella in 1956 (who was buried with Jackie in 1994!). Then after she had Caroline and JFK Jr., she had a boy, Patrick, in 1963, who had hyaline membrane disease/respitory distress syndrome and only lived two days.

So she was a survivor of a miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momz3* 
I don't want to scare anyone or be rude, but like you said, most women don't know the different ways babies can die. I didn't.

Also, about the celebrities. Ditto. I don't know much about Jackie Kennedy...but you know how now days the celebs have these "much anticipated babies". And you are right. If it had been Shiloh or Suri, oh everyone would be aware. Very aware. And all kinds of money would go into research of stillbirths. Everyone in Hollywood would be wearing pink & blue ribbons to their premieres, events and parties. Unfortunately, like I said, it has to happen to ppl before they become "aware". Being naive is human nature. And you know what they say...ignorance is bliss. How fun would it be thinking about m/c and stillbirths all 9 months while you're pregnant? NONE. No one wants to think about that....and I can't say I blame them...

so true...everything you said. I too, had no clue about how many different ways babies can die. And now I know. And its so hard. So yea, ignorance is bliss. Sigh.

You and I lost our babies within days of each other.


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## roslyn (Aug 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveMySofie* 
I dont mean to sound so cruel, but I cant help but think-What if this happened to a high-profile celebrity? Like Angelina Jolie, or Britney Spears or such?!

Well, I don't know about stillbirths, but I know Courtney Cox-Arquette has had 'many, many miscarriages.' Pamela Anderson just had her second one. Nicole Kidman had one right about the time she and Tom Cruise broke up.

I was always aware of the many ways babies could die. My mama had a SIDS, two miscarriages and a stillbirth. She talked about them often with us. Especially the SIDS and the stillbirth babies. My mama was 72 years old when she died of breast cancer, and I know she still mourned those babies.

I would imagine that celebrities lose babies at the same rate as the general population. I agree with the pp who said they're not covered because of journalistic squeamishness. That's interesting. There are celebrities out there whose genitalia I've seen more than my own, but dear me, lets not talk about miscarriages.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roslyn* 
There are celebrities out there whose genitalia I've seen more than my own, but dear me, lets not talk about miscarriages.


No kidding.







It does make me super frusterated!!
I just can't understand... I mean- yeah, squimishness. But for cripes sake- if they talk and research and DO SOMETHING about it instead of treat it like some disease... it wouldn't so taboo and such a squimish thing. People like us would feel ok to talk about it.

Tonight at work (I got to come home early







) I wanted SO MUCH to talk about Las. I've had a horrid horrid weekend. Just depressed. Stayed in bed didn';t get out to do anything. Broke my promise to DD about taking her to see Santa.







I needed to talk about Las. But every time I tried tonight, you could tell my coworkers felt really uncomfy.

Awareness. Feeling like it CAN happen to anybody, and not making us feel like we deserved it. Cause we didn't.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Ambrose--

You can talk about Lasius with us. We kinda know you here, we care. I know it's not the same as talking face to face, but our ears are always open, our shoulders are always waiting.

Of course you didn't deserve to lose your son. That thought has never once crossed my mind.










At least our own little circle here is gaining awareness, since all of our experiences are different. I learn from all of you.

Keri


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
Ambrose--

You can talk about Lasius with us. We kinda know you here, we care. I know it's not the same as talking face to face, but our ears are always open, our shoulders are always waiting.

Of course you didn't deserve to lose your son. That thought has never once crossed my mind.










At least our own little circle here is gaining awareness, since all of our experiences are different. I learn from all of you.

Keri


It's crossed my mind many times. I feel like I just... did something wrong. Like Karma is 'getting me back' for something. And then it hurts so bad because I wonder wtf Lasius did to deserve Karma doing that. (*^!%*@$)@

I wish I could type more right now. I'll start a new thread about this when I get home from work tonight. SO not looking forward into going. I'm half hoping it'll be as slow as last night and that my supervisor will understand how flipping depressed I am like last night. Even though I'm desperate for th money, a part of me knows that money isn't everything and as long as the rent is paid "it's all good". As DH so eloquently put it, some money is better than no money honey.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Ambrose, I'll be looking for the new thread. I have to go out of town for a funeral in the next few days, but I'll check in with you when I get back, if not before I leave!

Take care,

Keri


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## nyveronica (Jun 1, 2005)

The general populous is here to chime in...

I come here and read a lot. My oldest, dearest friend lost her baby at a few days old last year and I have learned more about life, death and the depth of pain and love than I thought possible in that time.

We talk about her every day. I say her name every single day. And when I think of my friend, I think: "She has two children, one is here on earth and the other isn't. _She has two children_". This is the bit that I think we (the general public) have the most trouble with.

I really believe that if we could change our vocabulary, talk about these babies as _people_ not _losses_, then things might change; awareness might appear on the horizon.

As it is, no one who isn't living what must be the pure hell of losing a child, doesn't want to know. It's "ignorance is bliss" at its most cruel. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist...

But if we don't talk about it, offer to help our friends in pain or say the baby's name out loud, then I think we continue to shove it all under the carpet-- and how devastating that is to you mamas, I can only imagine.

My heart breaks and my brain desperately tries to understand. Your children mean more than silence and hastily written notes. I am so, so sorry.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nyveronica* 
The general populous is here to chime in...

I come here and read a lot. My oldest, dearest friend lost her baby at a few days old last year and I have learned more about life, death and the depth of pain and love than I thought possible in that time.

We talk about her every day. I say her name every single day. And when I think of my friend, I think: "She has two children, one is here on earth and the other isn't. _She has two children_". This is the bit that I think we (the general public) have the most trouble with.

I really believe that if we could change our vocabulary, talk about these babies as _people_ not _losses_, then things might change; awareness might appear on the horizon.

As it is, no one who isn't living what must be the pure hell of losing a child, doesn't want to know. It's "ignorance is bliss" at its most cruel. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist...

But if we don't talk about it, offer to help our friends in pain or say the baby's name out loud, then I think we continue to shove it all under the carpet-- and how devastating that is to you mamas, I can only imagine.

My heart breaks and my brain desperately tries to understand. Your children mean more than silence and hastily written notes. I am so, so sorry.

Ditto. I've tried explaining this how I felt BEFORE losing Alexis. We all know we *can* lose our babies. But, no one wants to think these things while carrying their child. Its the harsh truth. It doesn't make you a horrible person. Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to get slapped in the face before you actually are "aware". Forget a slap...more like a train wreck.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

In my own personal experience, people don't like to talk about it because they want to find something to blame for it...it's that horrible that a baby would die and it's infathonable that it could have been a random fluke. I've actually cut ties with nearly all of my former friends because the great majority of them acted as if Ryland's death was my fault, if they even acknowledged him at all. I'd rather just be friends with 2 or 3 people that get it, then to have to deal with 20 people who don't. I've even had family members who never once every acknowledged Ryland (let alone the twins). Not even an "I'm sorry". People who knew I was pregnant and knew when I was due--it's like Ryland and that pregnancy never existed to them even though I saw them at 34 weeks pregnant. It's actually quite disgusting.

I personally wear my loss jewelry every day--a silicone bracelet, a beaded name bracelet, and a necklace. My car also has a P&IL magnet on the back of it. But in the last 15 months, I've learned that most people are repulsed or afraid when you say your baby died--it's the end of a conversation. Forget telling them that I've buried 3 babies. I guess people just don't want to think that stuff **** happens in the age of technology, medicine, and all-mighty doctors...


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Allyrae

I know how you feel. When Alexis' 1st birthday comes up, I wonder how many of my family/friends will acknowledge it. I'm pretty sure ppl will remember, just they won't acknowledge it.

BTW, congrats on adopting! Thats one path dh and I are planning to take within the next 5-6 yrs!!!


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

nyveronica--thanks for chiming in. You are right about the vocabulary, words are extraordinarily powerful, and a shift of terminology could be in order here.

What allyrae is saying, that people don't even acknowledge her babies....that is why I cut people some slack for saying not such great things about losses. It is the silence in the face of my losses that resonates more than any awkward words. DH and I have suffered great amounts, and some people in our lives have said.....nothing. Is that what our losses were? Nothing?

I didn't know people blamed you for the loss of your babies. That is so wrong. Much less blaming yourselves. If you weren't smoking crack and playing tackle football, you didn't ask for this. Blazes. Like we have that much control.


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