# Our Husbands



## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

It seems like we all have different dynamics with our husbands after our loss(es). We want them to care for us but to allow us to grieve in whatever ways we want. We want them to be accepting of ttc/not tcc. We want them to be strong yet share their fears. I imagine that loss is totally different for many husbands than it is for us. Not easier or harder...just different.

I want to make this thread so we can discuss our DH and the issues our loss(es) have brought up in our marriages without being too off topic and needing to post in 'Parents as Partners'. I think that our issues are very different than those of people without loss. I know first hand that my DH processed our loss very differently than I did and it would be nice to share this with others.

My Dh is doing better. We still have the dance of me showing how good I'm doing in hopes he sees me as his old happy wife and him sometimes pushing me to the edge. A few weeks ago we had a very bad week. Both of us really hating the other person, saying mean things. It was bad. It ended as oddly as it started. At the beginning he was The Strong One of course. Slowly he opened up more and would talk about Amelia...how she looked, her name, things like that. When I stopped bleeding I demanded us to ttc right then. That caused some issues and he said he felt used. I can see his point. I tried to make sex more like it used to be, fun. That's helped a ton. He's now excited about ttc and we're talking about 'next time' more often. It's very bittersweet for him to talk about next time. I see it in his eyes. He's said that he wants the next baby to be another girl. Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since our loss. Moving away from the date has made me feel better. I don't cry everyday anymore and my 'Look at me! I'm happy and not crazy feeling!' toward Dh isn't such an act or at least it doesn't feel like one. Maybe it is.

Something DH shared with me that threw me is about how he sees our loss. Early on in the pregnancy we decided to have screenings done to check for genetic issues. We agreed that we could not parent a child with Down's or other developmental problems. It was agreed that we would terminate is such issues arose. With our cause of loss, pProm, the lack of fluid prevents the baby's lungs and kidneys from developing enough to function. At 19.5 weeks the baby has a very, very slim chance of life outside the womb even if labor and infection are prevented. (which in my case both did occur so it's that much more interesting why Dh has this viewpoint). Dh feels that our loss was as if an ultrasound showed that our baby was without functioning lungs/kidneys. That we would not have continued a pregnancy that was without hope anyway so the actual cause of the loss and that it was a LOSS not a choice is really of little matter in the big picture. WOW! It blew me away to hear the way he was processing everything. I don't think his views are wrong, they are just so very different than mine. He's said so many times that Amelia simply wasn't meant to be. Of course he's said this very, very gently.

Another aspect of our loss was my health. Between the placenta previa and infection I was in a bad situation. Dh was told many times that I was going to bleed out, loose my uterus, or go septic. Until somewhat recently Dh looked at me as if I could die at any moment. it was like he was half sure I was going mad and half sure I was going to die. Now that we have more answers as to what caused the pProm he's more confident in my ability to be alive. My mental state worries his some days I think but it helps that I'm having more good days than bad.

Emerging Butterfly, I hope you post here about your Dh and the issues you two are facing right now. I think that your post may be similar to the feelings many other husbands are feeling. Namely, fear.


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

fear is huge for dh. fear of me going crazy/depressed, fear of it breaking up our marriage. now you would think that those fears would motivate him to take care of me but nooooo, it's turned into pressure to get over it.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so thankful to have my DP. No, really. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have such a supportive, caring partner.

From the day of Freja's birth, he's been there for me more than I could ever ask for. He never left my side the entire time while I was in the hospital and Freja was in the NICU for fifteen days. He pushed all his work projects aside and had his priorities in order - us. It was just as important to him as it was to me that he got to spend time with our daughter.

After Freja died, he still didn't go to work for a week. He stayed with me (I spend most of my time in bed, sleeping,) and without question or resentment he really stepped up and took care of the kids and the house. I could really tell how much he cared for me. It's such a sad circumstance to be brought close together from, but during this experience he's really taken on a new role and has been that much more compassionate and considerate of my feelings.

I know it's hard for him to be the strong one all the time... He's had his moments too, but mostly he is strong, especially when I am at my weakest. Every time I cry, he holds me and I can see the concern and helplessness on his face. It breaks my heart.

At first, I was terrified that I would ruin my life. I didn't know how to handle the grief, and I've had moments of self-destructiveness, taking it out on my DP, kids, etc.... I feel horribly guilty, but I think it's all part of the acceptance/grieving/healing process, and those moments are now few and far between. I'm learning to be more giving of myself to my family instead of just taking, but I realize that I had to do what I had to do to cope for that period of time. And thankfulness - I'm definately working on being more thankful for what we DID have.

I admit that I have felt anger and jealousy towards DP for the fact that he is very convinced of his faith and the afterlife, and I am struggling with it all. He is at peace with knowing that Freja is in Heaven, and I am often left with my torturing thoughts of her just being in the ground.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

See I think that's interesting. My Dh is part of the 'okay, lets get over it' crowd too.

I talked to MIL about it. She faced Ovarian Cancer (stage 3b, not good) last year. FIL was basically unable to talk about his wife having deadly cancer. He could talk about treatments, hospitals, doctors, all of that but not the simple 'my wife has cancer'. Happily, MIL is in recovery right now. FIL still wont talk about it.

I wonder if it's a means of survival for them. Like if they can pretend it's not there then it can't hurt us/marriage/family.

I'm starting to think that those of us who do have 'crazy' days, weeks, minutes, whatever....that they are hormonally based. Because really I haven't heard of a single dad with them. So as we are sorting through grief there's a deeper aspect to it. the last two weeks I was in a bad funk. I had a couple good days but wow, it was bad. As it was happening I had a huge acne breakout all over, which I never have had before So I'm obviously hormonally out of wack...and now with a messed up cycle I'm even more positive. So, DH CANT understand what I'm going through. He's not physically capable of it. Maybe allowing myself to think that will make me less fursterated at him when I percieve his attitude as less than what I want it to be.


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

My husband is definetely more of the "let's move on" crowd.

He doesn't act mean but he doesn't get it totally. The only really odd thing he has done is ask if I was going to wear the bracelet he got -- instead of the one my friend JUST made me to remember Myrtle Bean. I told him of course but I had just gotten this one.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

My dh gets worried about me being upset too, which is why I don't tell him, and maybe that's wrong. On the way to the hospital, he actually brought up-"you know, we never talked about this type of thing-bleeding out, what might happen etc". Like I wanted to have that conversation on the way to the hospital, knowing our baby was gone, and I was petrified of bleeding out at he moment. Maybe he was scared?
He's been back and forth supportive. He was at first, but now I feel like he's wanting me to move on. He just doesn't understand it, and he's admitted that, since he wasn't the one carrying the baby, sick, feeling movement, and not being able to feel the baby himself. All he says is he watched me, and saw one u/s of the baby to be connected to. He has a way of reasoning this loss. He says in the accident, the choice was to take the child not here yet, than take one of the two here or his wife.
A lot of days we are at opposites. I've read about couples who survive loss and those who it breaks apart and wonder who we will be in the long run.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Where to start... hmmm... well, DH and I have issues, as simple as that. It seems to be a neverending rollercoaster ride. Sometimes we're good, sometimes we're not. When I found out we were expecting he was excited, we both were. But then we got in an argument over his behavior (he's a recovering addict/alcoholic who decided he's fine to drink/party again). This has caused a number of issues but when I stood up to it, he blamed it on the pregnancy, saying I was crazy because I was pregnant, whatever.

That's just a little brief look in to life before loss... and now it's even more messed up. Right after our loss, DH was on board with ttc again, infact I still have a text message he sent where he reassured me that we will try again. And then all of a sudden he decided that he does not want any more children. It's devastating to say the least. I'm hoping we got pregnant while he was on board with trying.

I don't cry in front of him and I don't share how I feel about the loss. Not that I don't want to, it's just that when I do, he ignores me or changes the topic. He's one of those people that says, "we're lucky to have 4 kids" or "we have too many kids already". He's very insensitive and his criticisms of me are killing me slowly. He has not talked about our loss in a personal touchy feely kinda way, he's just not like that. What do you do though?

Honestly, I wish things were different.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

My husband is still grieving our loss right along with me, maybe even more so. He actually has a tougher time than I do being around babies and such. I feel bad that he carries so much grief but at the same time I am very thankful to go through it all with a man who “gets it” as much as he possibly can without being the one to have carried and birthed the baby. I feel so lucky to have him.


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

i tend to agree that there may be a hormonal component for those of us who lost our babies recently. i also wonder how many of situations where dhs who don't get it or want to get over it where cases, like mine, of early losses. dh never saw a heartbeat on an u/s, etc. i felt when the baby left my body. spiritually.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecstaticmama24* 

I don't cry in front of him and I don't share how I feel about the loss. Not that I don't want to, it's just that when I do, he ignores me or changes the topic. He's one of those people that says, "we're lucky to have 4 kids" or "we have too many kids already". He's very insensitive and his criticisms of me are killing me slowly. He has not talked about our loss in a personal touchy feely kinda way, he's just not like that. What do you do though?

I'm so sorry

























s to all here.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Definately hugs to everyone. This is a good thread to have.
I think combined hormones and grief-a lot of our dh's just can't understand what we're going through. They have the grief, but not the hormones messing them up. Some of us have cycles regular, some not, and I'm sure that plays a part in how we feel. My first af was so depressing, and my cycles still not on track either. Part of my hates charting, since I shouldn't be, but the other part is like "whatever, lets get straightned out body".

Andrea-that's just what my dh is like a lot, and definately his family. Well his mom. At the wedding, when I saw those 2 preg moms and got upset, she was telling me to be happy that I have the two I do have. That may be true, but I think if some one's in grief, you don't say that. You hug them, cry with them, acknowledge they are sad. If anything, it made me more upset when she said it. And they all still think that. I'm so thankful for my boys, but it doesn't replace the one we lost.

Sara-where are you? Hope you join us


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

so today 2 loss books arrived from amazon. i was disappointed -- i thought they were something fun for dd -- and he was like, "you don't look happy. is it because you don't need them anymore?" the last 4 days have been much better, but i don't think i have finality on it. it makes me realize how much he wishes i were "better."


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## Schae (Oct 6, 2006)

i just made a similar kind of post under a different forum here.

Hugs to everyone who has had such a tough time.
I had a heart to heart with dh last night, and he said that he did not want to ttc for fear of the same thing happening again (a m/c).
It made me realise how much it affected him, how much he had bonded with our baby, how much he had wanted him/her... he says he'll be ready to ttc again when the heavy feeling has left his heart.
When I was grieving, I didn't pay as much attention to him as I should have, and I feel bad about that. When dh goes through something tough and hard emotionally, he clams up - and that is frustrating but understandable too.

It's odd, because it seems that I am the 'let's move on' person. Because I really want to move on past the pain and start healing and for me, part of healing is ttc again.

Perhaps I have a fragile hold on sanity because I know I will fall apart should the due date come and I am not pregnant.

sorry for the essay


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I was about to post at the ttc thread you started but I'll post the answer here...

First, I need to say that I too am moving into the place of Lets Move On. As
I am sitting here in a 2ww I would like nothing more than to have the past 7 months be a blink I can put to rest. I'm surprised at my desire to get on to what's next.

Dh was wanting to ttc during/right after our loss. Then the loss could have harmed me physically and dh got very scared and felt like I was using him for his ability to get me pregnant. He also felt that I shouldn't ttc while taking xaxax and ambien, both of which I was taking heavily. I had a first Good Day shortly after. Went to therapy. Had more Good Days. Dh then got excited about the idea of trying again. These days my days are Good Days or at least not Bad Days. Dh has said that he's happy to have his wife back more than a few times. Last night I told dh that next week we'll find out if I'm pregnant and he got excited and happy. It means so much to me for him to feel that I'm well.

Oh, and through it all we never used protection. So as much as he was saying no, the actions didn't match.










It is very hard when we are at a different place than our dh. I hope that the two of you can agree on a plan that brings you peace.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

So much of the time immediately after our son's death is a blur to me. But I was very lucky in that my DH immediately took time off work and stayed home several weeks (some WAH) to be with me. When he went back to work his boss started sending home DVDs with him for me, and he'd keep in constant contact via IM in case I needed him. He was extremely solicitous of me for months and months - because he knew I wasn't all there.

But emotionally he wasn't really there either. We started TTC again immediately, although I think both of us were just going through the motions. I was non-functional for several months, and it took almost a full year to come out of the fog. And when I came out the other side, I was surprised to find him still by my side, still holding my hand. It'd been a tough year for him, too, but he acknowledged all along that he was more scared he was going to lose me too.

We're 2 1/2 years out, and awaiting our rainbow baby any day now. And yet the mention of our son still brings tears to his eyes (whereas I can sometimes talk about him without tears now). And while he will rarely discuss what he's feeling about it, there have been times that he's broken down in tears and I know that's why - even when it's been totally random. And during those times I just hold him and reassure him that it's allright with me if he goes ahead and cries - to let it all out. To reassure him that I'm not going to judge him for crying. And that seems to be what he needs to hear in the moment - that I won't think less of him for crying, or having these emotions.

We've had our issues with this pregnancy - neither one of us has been able to bond with this baby like we did last time, even with all the testing we've done, we're both still extremely nervous about believing. And I'm pretty sure that when he does decide to arrive, we're both going to be one big puddle of tears. And that's okay with me, because that will be what we need. We've discussed it, and he knows I'm not going to think less of him for it, which seems to give him permission to express himself freely.

Anyway... that's how it's gone for us.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Dh doesn't want any more children. One he's afraid of this happening again, the other he's afraid he's getting old. Plus finances, jobs-all the other crap. He knows it could happen and said if we did get preg we'd deal with it then-I guess he meant accept it then, but he didn't want to try. Some days I wish it did happen, especially with the holidays coming up. I feel like it would be easier to accept our loss through them, if I were carrying another babe. Does that make sense? It would be sort of bittersweet.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Makes sense to me. If I could wake up and have it be Jan 2nd I would be very, very happy. I was talking to SIL last night about the holidays. Turns out the whole family agrees..they just want them to be over with.


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## floiejo2 (Mar 31, 2008)

My dh is fine with me taking as much time as I need to grieve but it's also kind of a personal thing for me. He also doesn't really know what to do/say to help me so he takes care of everything he can "control". He took care of the girls, house, meals... that kind of thing. He was "there" for me but just didn't really know what to do. He's more sad than I thought too. When I do get him to open up about it, he's grieving in his own way, it's just completely different than mine. He also kept saying we're done. That broke my heart but when we finally had a real talk about it I figured out that he's just terrified this will happen again. This was my 3rd loss and he thinks we should just stick with our girls. But he's really just scared we will go through this again, he's scared because of a uterine prolapse issue I had with dd2, he's worried because I still don't feel normal this time and my uterus is not shrinking back to normal size yet. All kinds of worries. I think he does truly want another baby as much as I do, he is just too scared at this time to think about it. And honestly I am too. So we agreed to wait indefinetely and I will continue to work and we'll pay off bills and get healthy again, figure out the progesterone thing, chart...and think about it at a future time. I was mad at him for not emotionally being there with me but when I stepped back I realized it's just how he is and he's doing the best he can just like I am. I'm really quite lucky to have him.

Thanks for this thread. I know this is jumbled but it feels so good to get it out, as everyone is real life that knows about our loss is "over it".


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Hi everyone...

Sorry for leaving for a while...I needed to process being censored here in my pain. It was like being slapped by a trusted friend when I was already being beaten by life.

Thank you to everyone who was supportive. Thank you for understanding.

Things are much better here. I couldn't believe it when my husband "revoked" sex...I felt him pulling away, and I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to lose him on top of losing my babies. His grief was so huge, and yet...he had been so strong through it all. He's expressed sadness and loss, but I had no idea really how deeply it had all cut him. It seems that he felt that if we could just live a sexless life, everything would be good. He couldn't perform with expectation, or with the fear that I would get pregnant, and die the next time.

Better to be sexless than wifeless??

Well...obviously that was a terrible extreme which made me feel husband-less. Totally alone. I didn't want to MAKE him sleep with me. I didn't want to just have "sex". I wanted him to want to make love. The way we always have. because it is wonderful. Special. Deeply connective.

Because I love him.

It makes me crazy to think I lost my twins.

It makes him crazy too.

It makes me crazy to think that my beautiful birthing history ended with such horrible loss.

It makes us both crazy to know it could happen again.

It makes him insane to think he almost lost me. Twice.

Twice.

How can I ask him to take that risk? How can I ask myself to do that?

He spent some time at a friends house yesterday. They have a 2 year old little girl. He came home talking about how different little girls were than little boys. I asked him if he was saying he wanted to try to have a little girl.

He said..."I'm not going to say THAT....I am trying to not go to extremes anymore...I just want to be in the middle."

I don't know what the middle is. Either I want another baby, or I do not. There is no middle for me right now.

I guess I can just say that I don't think either of us is ready to try again. I don't know if we ever will be.

This really wiped us both out.

We are holding tight to each other....and sex has returned beautifully. But we are really not ready to think of having another baby. I don't want to die and leave my sons motherless. I don't want to add to the stress of our life with a complicated pregnancy that could end badly. I never thought of it that way before...but every-time I read about a rainbow baby dieing...I just want to throw up with the pain that wrenches my gut. It's so unfair, and yet so real. It happens. I didn't know that it did so often before. Now I do, and so does my husband. I don't know if you ever really recover from holding your sweet dead child in your arms....I don't know.

I do know that we are both really grateful for the time we had with them. The pregnancy was full of miracles...and so was our life after they were gone. So many reasons to feel their love. So many reasons to hold each other. I won't risk losing that again. We have been through way too much hell in the past 2 years. WAY too much. I don't want ANY more drama. NONE. I can't handle it...and neither can my husband.

We need some serious time to heal, and one happy day, one happy month even, isn't enough. It needs to feel like right and stable has become normal, not just a gift. it needs to feel like we are really o.k. again.

We are getting there by moving forward together.

But the truth is, we can't know what we aren't saying to each other. He can't know how shaky I feel inside right now...and I can't know if he is telling me what he knows I want to hear right now. We have to trust each other.

Trusting each other in a reality that let's people down every single day.

I told him last night that I trusted him...but that I'd lost my trust in the universe to protect my family. He looked at me and said "But we ARE the universe. There isn't anything else. We aren't separate...There is chaos in the order. We sometimes take a step and fall into a hole. It isn't the universe's fault...it isn't our fault. It isn't Gods fault. It's just chaos in the order."

I love him so much.

and I know he loves me.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 

I told him last night that I trusted him...but that I'd lost my trust in the universe to protect my family. He looked at me and said "But we ARE the universe. There isn't anything else. We aren't separate...There is chaos in the order. We sometimes take a step and fall into a hole. It isn't the universe's fault...it isn't our fault. It isn't Gods fault. It's just chaos in the order."

I love him so much.

and I know he loves me.

He's very wise. My husband said something similar to me, too... sometimes that attitude makes me rage and rail and sometimes it makes me feel still and calm, at the center of the wheel. Either way, he's my rock. My center.

What else is there, but the love? That's what it's all about.

And I'm sorry I missed whatever it was that got removed...


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

that was beautiful, sara. i understand everything you wrote. i just don't have the energy to write out just how much i understand.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Last night, we (my guy and I) were talking about Simon and Alexander. I was telling him that my father had said he didn't think it would be much different to lose a child at 57 than to lose an unborn baby. I know my father was trying to say that he thought it was just really horrible either way, but I really felt inside that one of the most horrible parts about stillbirth is that you get robbed of the chance to make memories with that person.

You don't get to smile about how good they were at the piano, or how silly they were last Christmas with Aunt Cathy, or how their eyes shined when you kissed them goodnight....or at the sound of their voice when they told you that you were the best mommy in the world before they went to bed. You don't get the memories of the first time they rode a bike, or skinned their knee. You don't get to do ANY of that with them. There is just the memory of death. Of loss. Of not getting to do anything with them. You don't know how their voice sounded, or what their smile looked like. You never found out if they liked vanilla or chocolate or strawberry ice cream. You never saw them dance. You never saw them play in the ocean. You never wiped away tears with the promise of "next time..."

There are no memories to hold.

My husband disagrees. He says that all he has are memories. Memories of that wondrous feeling on Easter that we both were surrounded by when we bought a purple stuffed "platy-puck" for our unborn. They were there. Memories of the first time we both felt a kick from within me. They were there. Memories of the joy we had in our lovemaking. They were there. Memories of all the walks among purple and yellow flowers, so abundant this spring. Memories of holding the precious form of our child. Memories of the brilliant understanding that there had been two of them. Memories of the miracles and the beauty of who those people were. They were always there.

He has memories that he can cherish...memories that go beyond living in this world.

I guess he is right.

But I still would have loved to know what it would sound like when they laughed together.....I would have loved to know more. I would have loved more time.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I forget what they call that, but I know it's part of grief and why losing a baby is different than losing an adult child. Because you only have memories for a short time, if any, and you are grieving the loss of what could have been. Grieving the love that you would have given that child each day. The kisses, the hugs, the fights, the play. Each and every thing you won't have with that child. So it's doubled for us parents who go through this.

I think about having/not having another child too. I feel that emptiness in our home, but I also have some fear of it happening again. My ds1 was very afraid I was going back to the hospital and leaving him after I came home. But I also know that living with this fear is not good, so am just leaving it up to whatever, even though we are cta.
I also can feel how this has effected my dh and I, and I'm not sure if it's good or bad. There is something missing, but I don't know what it is.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

What a welcomed thread! I just don't know what to do with my hubby anymore.

He's never seemed to grieve our losses, he cried about 5 tears holding Fiona in the hospital that he wiped away quickly. He was so thankful for his brothers and father to be there and help him be strong, and I think that's what he's decided to be, strong. I know dad's grief differently, I know he wasn't as attached as I was, but its so hard to not see him being sad at all (in fact just the opposite, he's been improving his health since early 2008, lost 195 pounds and he's the happiest clam ever now).

But I can deal with him not showing his grief so much. He occasionally mentions thinking of her and I appreciate that so much. What I just can't take is how he has no idea of how to support me in my grief at all. No empathy. No sympathy. He's horribly uncomfortable with death and just wants as little to do with thinking about it as humanly possible. I remember the first few months when I cried asking me what was wrong, and I just wanted to shoot fire out of my eyes and scream "OUR DAUGHTER DIED!". But now I talk about her/my feelings and he doesn't even say anything in response. He says he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to have empathy/sympathy for me.

He is having a LOT of anger issues right now (he's back in anger management over it actually), and we're slipping back into feeling like roomates again, and I know when he was in this angry space before he seemed to also not know how to click with other people emotionally as well, and then his anger management classes helped him to think about what others feel, empathy, ect. So I'm hopeful that it will help this time as well.

But in the meantime I'm so broken about it. I have friends and family who would be more than happy to let me cry on their shoulders, talk about my feelings/Fiona, ect. But I was *my husband* to be the person who I can go to. I don't like crying with other people. I feel self conscious. I want my husband to hold me when I cry. I want him to *get it*, or at least try.

I've given him little booklets on father's grief, on grieving together, on how to help your wife/partner cope, ect. He read a little, but it didn't seem to do anything.

Our county has free grieving counciling, which I went to solo when we first lost Fiona, and I want to go to a few sessions with Matt as well, I think it might help him learn more about how to support me, and I also have thoughts that he has just pushed off any of his grief, and maybe it can help him too.

But at the moment I'm having such a hard hard time. I miss Fiona so terribly. But since I can't get him to respond to me in a manner besides befuddlement/ignore-it-and-she'll-stop-talking-about-it it just gets shoved back down. I feel so SO lonely crying by myself. I just want to be held and cared for and for him to have some semblance of understanding/sympathy/empathy.

I find that my son is far more of a support than my husband. I don't rely on him for my support, but he comes to me and tells me he misses Fiona and we hug and sometimes cry together and it goes so far to make me feel less alone.

Its so hard to fathom. How can my husband have lost his daughter and not have it even be a blip in his road of life? He tells me all the time about how people are amazed at how he looks (weight loss) and he tells them "I feel great!". I'm jealous and I'm also mad. How can he be great all the time?


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

thank you all so much for sharing. this thread has been both wonderful and horrible to read.

i had an early loss, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks and i think hubby didn't quite know how to handle it. i'm the strong one, the one that charges ahead and makes decisions and suddenly there i was floundering. i think not only was he greiving, but he was probably worried about me not being me anymore.

i realized much later how much more it affected him than i thought it did. we never cried together, didn't even really talk about it for a long while. but his mother mentioned to me how hard it was to understand him when he called to tell her b/c of his voice being all choked up from crying. that surprised the hell out of me, and oddly, made me happy too. it helped me realize that it wasn't that he didn't care, it was more that he didn't know how to show it.

i also realized how hurtful i was right afterwards. i was all over TTC as in, we are TTC immediately, screw the doctors who told us to wait, screw the folks who think i need to heal emotionally first.

when i got my first + on the ovulation test i wasn't even kind or caring or interested in him at all i was all - go upstairs and get naked and give me your sperm.

the next night i did the same thing, but he wasn't feeling well and wasn't into it b/c of how i was behaving and i yelled at him about how it was going to be all his fault that we weren't pregant again and how unsupportive he was being. he never said anything back to me which i interpreted as him not caring instead of realizing that he had no idea how to deal with the person who was taking over his wife's brain. i cringe when i think about that night now.

we're fine now, and he tries so hard to keep reassuring me about the baby i'm carrying. i've had a hard time before appointments, and having a hard time being happy and excited b/c i'm so scared.

but there are def. times that i get annoyed that he seems to think that b/c of the new baby i must be ok with losing the last one. i feel like he doesn't understand how you don't forget, you don't "replace" that baby with the new one in your heart, you always have that little hollow place. plus, my original due date is looming and i have no idea how i'll feel that day.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Thinking about how many of us feel 'crazy' somedays...

Dh and I had a hard night a few days back. After realizing that we were fighting about grief and not the laundry, money, etc we laid in bed and were holding each other. Dh suddenly says "It's not fair that you got to know her. I never got to know her." As he's doing this he's studing my pointer finger and I know he's thinking about the picture of Amelia's hand on that finger. He says "her hand was so tiny." and puts his head on my chest. Out of nowhere he jumps up and rolls over saying "I just can't listen to heartbeats now!' He was flustered and frusterated. Same way I feel when I am smacked with 'crazy' thoughts of normal things being so damned not normal anymore.

It was sickly comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling crazy.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I love you ladies.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Bringing up older thread because I don't know where else to post.
Just got into a big fight w/ dh about the baby. We were already fighting and I said something about him not even remembering our dd, even though he knew it was in Nov, it's on the calendar etc. He started screaming at me that I need to know the baby is NOT here and won't ever be.
I said I knew that, but grief for a mc is different, because we have our dd and it's a sad day. That it's different grief than a regular loss, because it's not like someone passed and we can move on-we think about how far we'd be, see other preg women/nb's, our dd etc.
So then he yelled on about how "right, it wasn't a person, it was just inside you. It was never born, cried, never opened it's eyes.....". I told him maybe I should have made him hold the baby then, though briefly that I did. And told him he could be very cold, cruel and heartless sometimes.
He kept going on about what was he supposed to say on his dd-I was supposed to tell him. I had to let it go. There is no baby and it didn't technically exist I guess.
I'm just upset and venting I guess. That baby was very real for me. I held it very briefly. I felt it kick. We it's hb and we saw it on u/s, so I don't see how he's saying it wasn't a person. I didn't know a person had to be born and alive to exist. All I can think of is he's upset by it-but really he's not. He wants me to be over it, he thinks I don't understand the reality of the baby not being here and stuff and shouldn't drag it on. That I act like it was here and alive and we lost the baby. He said any time I brought it up I got [email protected]#$-well, I apologized and said I was upset and didn't mean to come off that way. I prob have been that way some, as other than here, I'm going through all of this alone, on top of any other problem we are having.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

I'm sorry







. My husband and I were seperated when our baby's edd came around and I know it can be incredibly difficult to handle on your own. For a while after it happened and before we decided to live in seperate countries, I know we said some pretty hateful things to each other and I still feel terrible for bring out little one into it. I wish guys could understand. I wish I had more than words to try and bring you comfort.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bbrandonsmom* 
Bringing up older thread because I don't know where else to post.
Just got into a big fight w/ dh about the baby. We were already fighting and I said something about him not even remembering our dd, even though he knew it was in Nov, it's on the calendar etc. He started screaming at me that I need to know the baby is NOT here and won't ever be.
I said I knew that, but grief for a mc is different, because we have our dd and it's a sad day. That it's different grief than a regular loss, because it's not like someone passed and we can move on-we think about how far we'd be, see other preg women/nb's, our dd etc.
So then he yelled on about how "right, it wasn't a person, it was just inside you. It was never born, cried, never opened it's eyes.....". I told him maybe I should have made him hold the baby then, though briefly that I did. And told him he could be very cold, cruel and heartless sometimes.
He kept going on about what was he supposed to say on his dd-I was supposed to tell him. I had to let it go. There is no baby and it didn't technically exist I guess.
I'm just upset and venting I guess. That baby was very real for me. I held it very briefly. I felt it kick. We it's hb and we saw it on u/s, so I don't see how he's saying it wasn't a person. I didn't know a person had to be born and alive to exist. All I can think of is he's upset by it-but really he's not. He wants me to be over it, he thinks I don't understand the reality of the baby not being here and stuff and shouldn't drag it on. That I act like it was here and alive and we lost the baby. He said any time I brought it up I got [email protected]#$-well, I apologized and said I was upset and didn't mean to come off that way. I prob have been that way some, as other than here, I'm going through all of this alone, on top of any other problem we are having.

I'm so sorry.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

I am very fortunate to be married to the most perfect man in this world created just for me!









It was around 10 on Wednesday night and I started to see pink... he asked if I wanted to go to the ER right away. My sister and my mom and everyone all have talked about how it's usual to spot but at about 2 AM when I woke up, I just had blinding pain and lots of blood. My dh just held me







... I kept saying "I'm sorry... I'm sorry"







but he never even gave it a thought that it was something that I did. He asked me again if I wanted to go to the ER and after talking with my sister (the NP) on the phone, I decided to go.

He did know quite how to handle himself but he held me when he saw tears and he made me laugh when he saw I needed it. We decided from... well, even BEFORE day one of our marriage... that the D-word (divorce) was not in our vocabulary. That helped me... knowing that he was there "through sickness and through health".

Sometimes there will be something in church or on TV and he'll just put his arms around me.







He knows that I still cry but he knows it's not as much now. The other day we were actually watching Smallville (of all things to cry at!!!!) and someone was able to take DNA and clone and so this man gave this heart-wrenching speech about being able to hold his son in his arms... and I completely lost it. DH put the TV on pause and came and just hugged me tight!







And then I told him the only way for me to get through it is to just keep getting through it.

Rodney Atkins song:
"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
'Fore the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
'Fore the devil even knows you're there"

I don't know if this helps anyone else but it really helps me. Keep on moving... the path is not covered in tears but those tears can still fall to water beautiful flowers on the path!


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)




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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Thanks for the bump Mosaic.

I wanted to add something as this PAL is so exactly and opposite as I imagined it would be.

Dh is still hurt by the sounds of the baby's heartbeat. If he's around, I don't/can't listen to it while in our bed. Listening to Amelia's heart as I labored in our bed just becomes all he can think about. I imagine that once I get beyond the point of loss this might change...or not.

Another thing that is really interesting is our sex life....or total lack thereof. The night before I pPromed we made love and while every dr said that wasn't the cause it really stick wth us......him. I expected some issues once I became pregnant again but I didn't expect him to flat out refuse. The few times I've even gotten him to touch me we had to stop because the wetness made him think I was bleeding. So it was turn on the light and inspect then turn the light off and......nothing. I guess I'm having issues
too....I'm fine without the sex and I think the fact that I'm not pushing us to do anything makes me see that I'm not ready either. Just another way loss has touched Dh.

Today marks 6 months exactly since we lost Amelia. Looking back on my posts about Dh and our marriage I see how far we've come. I'm so blessed with this man.

I read a short (fictonal) story about a marriage that suffered baby loss. It said...
"having a baby is glue to a marriage. Having a dead baby is acid". Boy oh boy, it
certaintly can seem that way can't it?


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Oh my, do I ever need this today. Thank you for starting it!!

I've got to start by saying that I have a wonderful husband, I really do. He works hard, is kind & gentle, has adopted dh and is a good father to him, puts our needs before his own most of the time. The list goes on and on. BUT - he's depressed. He's been depressed a long time and has many issues to work out thanks to a super abusive father. We were in counseling but had to stop until he gets his meds right (he's seeing someone for that on his own) our counselor says we are not getting our money's worth until he pulls out of this depression fog a little bit with meds.

So day after Thanksgiving I miss my period and discover I'm pregnant. We were NOT expecting it & it was a big shock to both of us. Dh does not want more children. It was big drama. But he started to come around and we were excited - and I was BEYOND excited. I was already thinking about being able to have a homebirth this time, breastfeed longer, buy itty bitty cloth diapers, snuggle with a newborn. It was pure joy for me.









Then I started bleeding, and it was confirmed - m/c. We were both very upset. Dh cried in the hospital room with me and said he felt like he'd been kicked in the stomache. He hugged me that night and said he loves me and is here for me through thick and thin.

But now? We are doing really crappy. We've been having issues with me not getting my emotional needs met - it's why we were going to counseling. He's emotionally cut off most of the time because he's so depressed. He does not hug me, tell me he loves me, initiate sex often at all. I get lonely and sad. He's here - but he's not my partner I once knew, if that makes sense.

So now I'm feeling this huge loss. I wanted this baby. I'm very, very upset and very much want to try again. I want another baby, badly. He does not. So I'm sad & lonely in my marriage and longing for a child I will never have. It makes me take a step back and wonder what the hell I'm doing with him. And that makes me sad too!









Last night I started crying because it's been nearly 2 weeks since we had made love and like every other night he just puts a hand on me, then rolls over and goes to sleep. When I told him why I was crying it started a big fight where he says I make him feel bad and he'll never be enough for me. He gets so wrapped up in how my feelings are making HIM feel, that he does not take the time to listen to how sad I'm feeling. It sucks.

I feel like the m/c was sad for him, but also kind of a solution. He didn't want the baby anyway.







He does not understand my loss, my sadness. What I'm going through. And I can't talk to him because he's so clueless. Meanwhile I'm not getting what I need from him anyway.

Wow, this turned into a pittiful poor me rant. Sorry.


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## birthdancedoula (Nov 13, 2002)

Wow ladies, thanks for this thread. Men and m/c is a really sensitive subject and I have found little information and advice out there about it.

I had an early m/c on December 29th after a very surprise pregnancy test. Dh and I both were in shock at being pregnant. I was accepting but he was very upset and confused. His stress level went through the roof and he had several sleepless nights. A few days before the m/c he began to come around, saying he was excited we'd be having another babe.

Then the bleeding started. He clung on to the hope that it was just normal early pregnancy bleeding. He tried to keep me calm and focused on the positive. His support through the whole experience was amazing but I feared that his denial of what was happening could hinder the grieving process. We did cry together several times but soon he began to seemingly get back to normal life, and I interpreted this as relief I was no longer pregnant. After this he didn't talk about his feelings, further convincing me he was relieved.

Our best friends came over a few days afterward and the guys talked about the loss. My friend told me the dh was confused and sad and not sure how to handle his feelings. Why then couldn't he tell me that? I felt so confused and separate from him. My tears kept coming but he appeared to be keeping it together. Why was he not feeling the pain of our loss?

Finally I let him know how I was feeling. I was cold and mean and said hateful things to him. I called him an ass. I called him insensitive. I said I could hardly stand to be around him. How could I when he was relieved that our baby had died? Later I e-mailed him and said I was sorry and that I needed for him to talk to me about his feelings. We have had several emotionally tense conversations but he finally opened up and let me know that he is grieving, too.

The first time we had sex since the m/c was very, very emotional for me. I was going to get a Paraguard before we found out I was pregnant but now can't even talk about birth control w/o feeling profoundly sad. Dh is adamant that he doesn't want to get pregnant right now, if ever again. I told him that we need to take it day by day and that I am not the person I was before I had the m/c. I can't go back and say yeah, I'll get an IUD and you get a vas, our family is complete. There is someone missing from our family now and I'll always feel that way. Dh says we can never replace what we lost with another child.

We are at an okay place now but it is not resolved. There is still so much left to work through and get out on the table.


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## HeatherKae (Jun 4, 2006)

OMG, MistyMama and BirthDanceDoula, your stories are very similar to mine.

We were done at 3. Well, we said we were. I really wasn't. I would pray for one more baby. One oops baby b/c I knew we'd never set out to try for one more. Last February, I discovered I was very unexpectedly pg. In April I m/c the anembryonic pregnancy and almost died from hemorrhage. He deployed to Afghanistan a few weeks later. We had a second honeymoon in Sept after his deployment ended. When we returned, he announced that we will NOT be trying again and that we are DONE. I was devastated. But... a few weeks later... I POS and it was positive.

I was over the moon with joy. I don't think I've ever been that happy. At 7 weeks, I had an u/s and there was a perfect baby with a strong heartbeat. At 10 wks I started to worry for no reason that something was wrong. He convinced me that his guy told him the baby was fine. He was happy, etc. But that nagging feeling climaxed on the day before Thanksgiving. I went in for an u/s that revealed what my heart already knew: our baby's heart had stopped.

Fast forward to now. I have moved our homeschooled children and I in with his elderly parents temporarily until they can be moved in with us b/c his siblings won't do a thing and he has to work. I am taking the brunt of it all (his dad recently went downhill and requires tremendous care) and during this whole crisis he announces that there will be no more babies. We are done.

To quote him: "If you get stopped for speeding and then get let off, you don't go out and speed again. If you stopped again for speeding and let off a second time, YOU NEVER BREAK THAT SPEED LIMIT AGAIN!"

Yes, you read that right. My husband likened our losses to speeding tickets while I sat in a puddle of emotion hardly able to raise my head off the ground.

He also said that if I got pg again he'd have to look at himself in the mirror everyday and know that he was a "p*ssy" for giving into me, that'd he'd have nothing, not even his self respect left.

He was in this weekend for a visit and never touched me. Last night he said he was afraid to have sex with me b/c he doesn't want me to get pg and he doesn't trust that I will tell him it's safe (we do NFP).

I just don't think I can stay in this marriage with this hanging over me. I'm pushing 40 and don't have a lot of time to play with this. I feel like I'd be better off a single mother of three than a grieving mother of four. Does that even make sense? He says no. He says I'm crazy and need counseling.

All I know is that I have NEVER felt pain like this before. Even our kids are hurting over it. My 8 yr old prays every night that I have another baby. My three year old lifts my shirt and asks if the baby is back yet.

My heart broken.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

s everyone. It's amazing how many of us are in similar places.

I ended up going to counseling alone last week which really helped me sort out my feelings. Then dh and I went out on a date Friday night and had a really good talk about everything. It's not like he's magically changed his mind about a baby, but I do feel he understands what I'm feeling now.

I'm praying for healing for all of us.


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## birthdancedoula (Nov 13, 2002)

mamas. It is so hard when we are on different pages than our partners about this.

Dh and I are talking everyday in some capacity about what happened and what the ramifications are, but he's still not on board with trying again. Heather, I know exactly how it feels when your dh doesn't trust you to not get pregnant again. We use NFP too and ever since the m/c dh has worn a condom. Even though I know I ovulated last week he still said he wants to be safe. I hate the lack of trust and that fact that he doesn't hear me when I say I don't want to be pregnant right now. Ugh. It sucks how much loss changes things.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

My DH does not want to be pregnant again either. He was on board for a couple weeks after our loss on July 29th, and then just changed his mind.

I try to tell myself that I really shouldn't have another baby and that I can do so much without another baby, but I want another so so bad. In actuality I want 2, my twins.

I wish DH understood a bit more, he says some really thoughtless and mean things sometimes. Like the PP said, my kids are grieving too, my 3 year old talks about the babies, well... he actually talks about angels that he claims he sees in the back yard. It's really cute, he's reassured me that we will be having more babies, he's so certain.









I'm hoping that DH will want to try again some day, I feel like we are missing something and even though a new baby will never replace my twins, I still don't want to end with a loss.


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