# 6 year old punishing himself...



## JsJa2002 (May 9, 2008)

Our son is almost 6 and he has gotten into this punishing himself phase. Usually when DS is misbehaving we send him to his room to think about what he did wrong, a few minutes later we go in and talk to him about the situation. For the last 6 months or so, when he misbehaves and we repremand him about it, he says "I'll just go to my room then" and proceeds to go to his room. Now this doesn't always happen but quite often. If we tell him it's not necessary to go to his room he will just continue and then if I don't repeat again that it's not necessary again he throws and all out fit. He has also been throwing major fits when we tell him to do something, and after a few repeats, he goes into a time out but when it comes for him to do the actual time out he flips out and says he'll do what we ask. AHHHH I know I'm not explaining this well. I'm sure this is typical behavoir but I have no idea how to deal with it. Both of us just get so frustrated sometimes with his mind games that we yell at him. I also don't like sending him to his room so often because he doesn't listen. Almost all of his misbehavings include him being told not to do something like climb across our furniture or being told to do something and he doesn't do it after 5 times repeating it. I repeated at least 4 times last night to brush his teeth and he didn't move until I raised my voice at him. WHY? Please tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Thanks,
Stephanie


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It sounds like you and your husband are in a power struggle with you son and maybe a bit like he feels like you don't want him around unless he is doing things your way so he is protecting his feelings by choosing to go to his room rather than being sent there. He may also feel that he doesn't have a lot of control over any aspect of his life, which may be what is leading him to dawdle, refuse until faced with punishment, and push to get his way. I think you should rethink how often you send him to his room and for what behaviors. He is a human being and should have the right to have some human behaviors and feelings in front of you even if they aren't the funnest ones to be around. I don't think he is playing mind games at all. I think he is reacting from his feelings and trying to protect himself while also pushing for more autonomy and I think you should try to figure out ways to help him do this without him needing to act out.

I also think you should decide on what the point of the time-out is for your family. Is it to help him calm down, is it to force him to comply, is it to punish him for not complying, is it to punish him for complying but on a slower than desired time frame, or is to punish him for not complying at all? If he goes slowly but goes then I think you should accept that. If he says he will do something then he is complying and I also think you should accept that rather than punishing him for annoying you by not complying until faced with time-out.

I think if he feels that you accept him completely on a more frequent basis and that you are trying to help him come up with a solution he will be more willing to work with you instead of against you. Have you tried bringing the problem of not brushing teeth and of climbing on the furniture to him and asking him to help come up with solutions for this. He is plenty old enough to talk to about these issues in depth. How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a great book for helping to start solution oriented conversations and parenting.


----------



## JMJ (Sep 6, 2008)

It sounds like time outs are becoming a power struggle for you on top of the power struggle that you're already facing when you try to tell him what to do. You've got to break the cycle. You're doing the right thing in asking for help about what you can change. It's not that you're doing something horribly wrong. It just happens a lot that you get into a situation that is constantly recurring, and you don't know how to change it. I second the recommendation of How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives you several tools that you can use to cut power struggles off and open true communication.

Time outs are notorious for not helping as punishments. It can help to separate a child from what he is doing wrong so as to immediately stop the offending behavior, but I've never known a child who actually goes to his room with parental prompting, thinks about how what he did was wrong, and comes back truly penitent. When I was a kid, I would spend time outs angry with my parents and then apologize just so that I could get out. I learned the valuable lesson that Mom and Dad don't like that, so if I want to do it, hide it.

What kids really need are "time ins," time with a loving parent to discuss good decision making and how their actions affect other people. They need to experience the natural consequences of their actions, the consequence that they don't get to do something fun since they wasted time not listening, the consequence that you can't trust them when they develop the habit of lying, etc.

Finally, I'm a big fan of proactive discipline instead of reactive discipline. What can you do to help him behave well? When you notice a pattern of the same problem coming up over and over again, what can you do to break the cycle? Give him some control by asking him what you can do to make things easier for him.

Perhaps, if he suggests going to his room, say something like, "If you think that going to your room would help you cool off, you may certainly go, but feel free to come back as soon as you are ready." If a while goes by, and you haven't heard from him, go check on him and just ask how he's doing, if he wants to come back or if he still needs more time.


----------



## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Both my brother and I did this, in slightly different ways, at about this age.

For me, the typical scenario was that I felt criticized and ran to my room to cry loudly and dramatically, showing how unfairly I'd been treated and hoping for an equally dramatic apology. I was trying to escape criticism or punishment by being already so heartbroken that they wouldn't kick me while I was down.

For my brother, the typical scenario was that either (a) like your son, he realized he'd done something wrong and set out to punish himself so it wouldn't be done to him, or (b) he failed to meet his own expectations (for example, he was trying to make a cardboard robot and it didn't work out) so he punished himself for that. He would bellow, "I'M GOING TO MY ROOM WITHOUT SUPPER!!!" (our parents never withheld meals!) and stomp into his room.

For both of us, part of the problem was witnessing our parents' high standards, not so much for us as for themselves. They would agonize over making the right decision (about what to buy, how to do something, etc.) and then if they felt they'd chosen wrong, they'd go on and on about all the trouble it caused and all the reasons they should've known better. I have very mixed feelings about this: thinking out loud is GOOD for showing kids how we reason through decisions and cope with the consequences of our actions, and it's good to know that adults aren't perfect and don't always know what's best...but modeling excessive self-criticism is not such a good thing.

In part, this was a stage we each went through that resolved itself. In part, my parents helped by talking with us WHEN WE WERE CALM (not in the moment) about how the big, bad feelings of having made the wrong choice can be very overwhelming and how to calm the self-punishing urges and direct your focus toward solving the problem. It was really helpful to have my parents explain some of the self-calming strategies they used themselves, which were less evident to me than their ruminating over what had gone wrong--I'd thought that the only reason they simply grumbled about these things rather than shrieking and crying and slamming doors was that they'd outgrown that behavior, so it was interesting to learn that there are ways to talk yourself down from throwing a fit.

So, it's worth looking at how you handle it when YOU do something wrong, to see what you're modeling and what self-calming strategies may be hidden from your child.

Other ideas:
I think One Girl is right that he's protecting his feelings and sense of self-control by imposing the time-out on himself rather than letting you do it. I like the idea of talking (at a calm time) about solutions for specific problems that are coming up repeatedly. My mom used to do that, and I think it's a good way to give the kid more control over his own behavior and help each of you understand the other's point of view.

He may also be testing whether your love for him (in the form of willingness to have him around) is conditional on his behavior. You could try distracting him from the unwanted behavior with a sudden fit of hugging, and see if that helps.









In general, more redirection might help. My son is only 4, but I've found that often when he continues an unwanted behavior, it's because I've only said "don't" without giving him anything else to do. It can be hard to think of something to redirect him to, when I'm already trying to do a zillion things myself and just want him out of my hair, but it often pays off!

For times when you're telling him TO do something and he isn't, try to resist repeating yourself too soon. This is really hard for me because we're often in a hurry, but again, it pays off when I do it! Say, "Please brush your teeth now." one time and then move on, doing your best to give every impression that you expect he will do it.

Also, try saying, "When...then..." First use it to motivate him to do what you're saying: "When you've brushed your teeth, then I'll read to you." Then use it to stop whatever he's doing instead of what you told him to do: "When you've brushed your teeth, then you can finish your Lego building."

For persistent rowdy behavior, my mom used to send my brother to run around the house 5 times. It was an excellent distraction as well as helping to burn off his excess energy.


----------



## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

my six year old also punishes herself. She even made this ridiculous construction paper traffic light that she clips a clothespin with her name onto the different colored lights. She wrote, " 4minutes" on yellow and "10 minutes" on red for how long she has to be in time out if she moves her clip. It's actually quite infuriating in itself as we don't use timeouts and never have.


----------



## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evergreen* 
my six year old also punishes herself. She even made this ridiculous construction paper traffic light that she clips a clothespin with her name onto the different colored lights. She wrote, " 4minutes" on yellow and "10 minutes" on red for how long she has to be in time out if she moves her clip. It's actually quite infuriating in itself as we don't use timeouts and never have.









i wonder where it came from. friends maybe?


----------



## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

I agree with One Girl with regards to the OP, but this made me laugh:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evergreen* 
my six year old also punishes herself. She even made this ridiculous construction paper traffic light that she clips a clothespin with her name onto the different colored lights. She wrote, " 4minutes" on yellow and "10 minutes" on red for how long she has to be in time out if she moves her clip. It's actually quite infuriating in itself as we don't use timeouts and never have.

I think it's a peer thing. They want to know they're like their friends. I heard ds (10) and his friends talking about ALL the groundings they've gotten (we've never grounded ds, at least not in the manner he was talking about!). One of his friends turned to ds and scoffed, "YOU don't get punished!" It honestly made me giggle. I remember trying to rebel and have rules set down when I was a kid and wondering why I was given more freedom than my friends.
Anyhow, we slipped in some more explanations to ds about how we discipline/learn here and that pretty much stopped that and got him a little more aware of his responsibility in the matter. I expect it to flare up again here and there, though.


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

One Girl and MJM: Great posts!


----------

