# My thirteen year old was just brought home drunk.



## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

She was at a sleepover, the mom just brought her home, they had been dropped off at a local arena to watch a hockey game, they stole vodka from the other mom's house, her and one friend drank it, the girl whose house the sleepover was at didn't drink any.

My daughter is staggering drunk..I sent her to her room to sleep it off.

I am livid.

I will not live with alcohol again. What do I do? She's barely thirteen.

She is not going anywhere unsupervised by an adult again..for a long time.

This is a new one for me. What do I do?

What do I say to her tomorrow..or next week when I calm down.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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## Fujiko (Nov 11, 2006)

OMG!
I can't give you any advice, since I don't have a teenager, but


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

no clue what to tell you, i dont have a teen, and never went home drunk, but see if she has a hangover in the morning, and see if she likes how it feels, etc. talk to her abou tthe effects and how the drunkeness made her feel against how she feels in the morning (if anything, or if its bad) and why or why not she liked it, etc...
all i can say is maybe make it a learning experience. other than that i truly have no idea what to tell you.


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

I would take her to her family Dr. and have her take an HIV test "just in case" - my Mom did this to me and and made me think of what bad decisions I could have made, or could have forgotten if I made for being so drunk. I've heard of girls getting STD tested with the same outcome but that rubs me the wrong way - a simple blood test seems less invasive but with the same mental ending and conversation opener.

It all depends on YOUR daughter and how YOU feel she would react, how well you'll be able to discuss this, etc.


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

s


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

Maybe wake her up really early tomorrow morning by playing loud music and ask her if she wants some eggs?







That's what my grandma did when my Dad and his brothers would come home drunk--that way, they really got the full effect of the hangover. I'm half-joking--not sure if you'd actually want to do that...

I agree with the PP about making it a learning experience. If you put too much energy into making it "bad" or "taboo," it's only going to make it seem more appealing. I do agree about not letting her go anywhere without adult supervision for a (long) while. Explain to her that she has broken your trust and must regain it. Hugs to you, mama.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.


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## wwisdomskr (Dec 25, 2006)

I have some things to share later today...based on my own experiences as a teenager. I'll be back.

Right now, IMHO, there is nothing more important than your relationship with your dd. This is what will sustain you both through the weeks and years ahead. Tell her you're angry and disappointed and that you need time to process this. Tell her you cannot tolerate this behavior. But, also tell her that you love her more than the earth, moon and stars combined and that you are soo, soo glad that she came home to you safely.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Love her and give her the I'm very disappointed talk.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I just woke her up...I am too angry to deal with her right now..it will all blow up.

She was to sleep over at a friends. They were to go to a hockey game. I generally don't let her go to the hockey games unsupervised. They stole booze from the mom's liquor cabinet and put it in a water bottle, the daughter where they were staying didn't drink but her mom is still really upset because she helped steal it and didn't stop them.

They drank it at the arena and my daughter was drunkest. I don't know if she drank the most but the other girl had some too.

When the other mom picked them up she didn't notice, they all piled into the back seat and then went into the basement family room etc.

She passed out right away as did the other girl.

The mom got a call from a friend who was at the arena saying "I hope your kid's not hanging around with the drunk kid" etc.a

so mom woke them up and they were busted. She brought my dd home. The other girl is there for the weekend because her parents are away.

The other mom apologised for not seeing them steal the booze and not noticing right away.

The only thing I want to find out is if the other girl actually didn't drink..I think that sounds fishy..she let them take the booze, smuggled it out in her purse..anyway..I guess that really doesn't matter.

And she took my digicam with her without my permission and it didn't come home so I don't know if she lost it at the arena or at her friend's house.

I am mostly scared. Her dad is an alcoholic and right now is in jail for drug trafficking. I think if that wasn't her background I would be in a different frame of mind about this.

This is very serious. She got her report card and was disappointed in her grades even though they were pretty good.

uh..what a mess...writing it out actually seems to have calmed me down.

My oldest had a rough time starting at 13 but now at 17 is turning a corner. Now I feel like it's starting all over again...gah..and I have 2 more daughters...grrrrrrrrrr

thanks for your replies ladies...it's all really helpful.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 









Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
Love her and give her the I'm very disappointed talk.

yep.







mama


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

The first thing I am doing is making her track down my digicam. I hope she didn't lose it.

Then she is getting a talk beginning with how horribly she treated her friend's mom who invited her into her home and then they steal from her and put in an awful position. She seems like such a nice lady too, very understanding etc.

Then she is going door to door in our neighborhood selling her chocolates for her fundraiser from school.

I know she is upset because we are losing the principal at our school also. I wonder if that's part of it. He's being transferred in January. The kids love him and are all very upset.

I dunno..I want to lock her away but I guess best I can do is lock away the liquor


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

I snuck alcohol at that age the mom might not know the truth or does and is embarrassed they got one by her.

Your dd could have drank more to show off and to get attention from the other girls. She also could have a different metabolism than the other girl/s and get drunker faster on a lot less alcohol.

As for you dd side. Don't expect it to be the full truth. There is a lot of peer pressure at that age.

I would put it back onto her. You drank and got drunk what do you think should happen? What do you think could have happen?

Please don't equate this one incident as she is alcoholic or on the path of alcoholism. Don't say I lived with it with your father I am not going to live with it again. That will do more to damage your relationship. It says YOU WILL NOT LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT. That is what your 13 year old will hear. Depending on her feelings towards dad she will take it as you are saying she is bad and worthless.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I think the honesty was squeezed out of them. I think we have the full story. It was my dd's idea. The others jumped at it.

I think the peer pressure comes from the others at the arena. She as talking to a kid earlier in the day that is a terrible influence, bragging about drinking and smoking etc. I think my dd likes to impress this "popular" crowd and whenever she hangs out with them at all, even a phone call something happens.

When she said she was with her today walking home from the library my first instinct was "trouble will happen" just because of the past. And to make matters worse she likes a boy in this group.

and these kids are not bad either..just terribly unsupervised with some stressful home lives.

And there is nothing supervised kids can do around here.

I think I am going to fix up my basement with a tv and dvd player and let a couple of the teens hang out there on Friday and Saturday nights. I am always home.

They just need to be quiet when the little ones are asleep and go home when it's done.

anyway..better go talk to her.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

I snuck alcohol at that age the mom might not know the truth or does and is embarrassed they got one by her.

Your dd could have drank more to show off and to get attention from the other girls. She also could have a different metabolism than the other girl/s and get drunker faster on a lot less alcohol.

As for you dd side. Don't expect it to be the full truth. There is a lot of peer pressure at that age.

I would put it back onto her. You drank and got drunk what do you think should happen? What do you think could have happen?









: The only other thing I can think of is closer supervision, I started drinking when I was 14.. basically spending the night at friends houses and sneaking alcohol like your dd did. I was busted when I started skipping school and my grades went down. It didn't stop me but in my case tigher reigns probably would have helped but as the mother of an almost 16 yo ds I know its a hard balancing act.

Probably the only bright spot for me is that by my early 20's I pretty much gave up drinking not because there was a problem but just because after drinking through my teens years, the thrill was gone.

Talk to her..

Shay


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

Oh, mama ... I have BTDT w/my son and I know how angry, sick, and scared you must feel. We had a very similar incident w/DS last year (right about this time, in fact) and it was HORRIBLE. DH just went totally knee-jerk postal on him, while I tried to get him to open up and talk to me about why he was making these poor choices. As it turned out, he was having a lot of girlfriend/school problems - insignificant to an adult, but of course everything to a teenager.

Almost a year later, DS is finally getting his bedroom door back.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 









Love her.

People make mistakes.

You must be scared to death for her.

ITA with the above, and with this:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Thank the girls mom for honesty!!

Thank her for her honesty, her understanding, and her willingness to bring your DD home safely to you. I hope the digicam is found.

Praying that you and your DD can mend fences and find peace & healing today.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

As far as the alcohol use in itself: I vote for closer supervision too, and just being honest about the effects (on both her and other people.) I would stay far, far way from the guilt-tripping. Who has that ever worked for when it was done to them? It's manipulative and only works (if at all) short term. In order for her to be able to take true responsibility for her behavior, she has to accept it based on her own understanding of why it's not good for her. Otherwise, she's going to obsess about it (like we all do with things we want that are "bad" for us) and at some point sneak around to get it. And then she'll have "lost your trust" even more, and it'll just keep deteriorating into a vicious cycle. Until she's old enough that she doesn't have somebody policing her, when she might (if she's lucky) finally figure out how to take care of herself.

The stealing is another matter. She should be making restitution and apology in some way.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I think 13 is about the age when people often (not ALWAYS) experiment with alchohol. I did at 13...(I didnt "start drinking" but I tried a little bit starting at that age.)

My dh "started smoking pot" at age 10. (Upper middle class family with totally attentive parents.)







:

I feel like even though its scary and devistating...it is within the realm of normal.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I did thank the mom for her honest..last night..we had a good chat.

I talked to my daughter..she's not all that remorseful at this point.

As to supervision. I told her that it's obvious that she's unable to make good choices when left to her own devices so now there will always be an adult supervising her. She won't go to a movie with her friends unless a parent is sitting in the theatre with her or a hockey game unless an adult is sitting in the seat next to her also.

There is no one home so I don't know where my camera is..she said she didn't take it to the arena.

She will not be sleeping at other people's houses either and no one will be sleeping here. We have no alcohol..well fil left some scotch...maybe I should keep an eye on it.

There really isn't anything for teens to do.

I am looking into piano lessons for her. there is a teacher here in town. I am also looking into a youth group. I think there is one at the local United Church. We live in a small town and have to drive to bigger town for activities and with the little ones I can't do it always.

In June she will get a job. That will keep her busy..idle hands and all that.

She's going out to sell her mint smoothies now. It's -15C...and windy. She is going around our subdivision only where I can see her and taking my cell so I can keep track of her.

I was supposed to paint pottery today..guess my plans are ruined unless dh gets home before 3pm. I can't leave her alone with the little ones..she was supposed to be my babysitter but I can't trust her alone now.

sigh..why is this so hard?


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

So they had about half of a 500ml water bottle. Two of the girls drank it..so quarter of a bottle of vodka each. She was falling down, staggery drunk, the other girl wasn't as bad but still drunk.

I am kind of glad she was drunk..because she was so staggery people noticed..if her tolerance had been higher she would have gotten away with it.

I am just trying to breathe through the day


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
So they had about half of a 500ml water bottle. Two of the girls drank it..so quarter of a bottle of vodka each. She was falling down, staggery drunk, the other girl wasn't as bad but still drunk.

I am kind of glad she was drunk..because she was so staggery people noticed..if her tolerance had been higher she would have gotten away with it.

I am just trying to breathe through the day

Goodness! Is she sicker than a dog?

If so, that might be a blessing in disguise. I would be after that much vodka! Ugh....I am just thinking....YUCK!!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!

They are too young to know about OJ too.









I know you are going to get through today.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
Goodness! Is she sicker than a dog?

If so, that might be a blessing in disguise. I would be after that much vodka! Ugh....I am just thinking....YUCK!!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!!

They are too young to know about OJ too.









I know you are going to get through today.









She's feeling a little bit rough...


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

see, now that wouldnt sdo anything to me...i dont get drunk super easily but when i do...im drunk. shows how different people are, lol i started drinking when i was 13, and staying with a friend, her mom gave us alcohol. never got drunk until a couple years later and i would go next door and me and my friend would get a ride toher bils house and have us 3 couples drinking together.

anyway,
im glad the other mama was honest and doesnt sound like she was straight up blaming your dd for everything like i know some people would have.
so it sounds like your dd isnt saying much about it? i wouldnt think just because of her dad being an aocoholic, she would be, but know one person who has to be careful, and my mom is scared to death of her drinking or me doing it because family history, so i do know where youre going with that. well







im glad she and the other girls got takenhome and are okay and you can talk to her about it and show her that it wasnt a great choice, especially to steal it!


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## Carley (Aug 16, 2005)

Wow mamma! What an ordeal!

Fixing up your basement for a controlled social area is an AWESOME idea!!!!! You're brilliant!!!


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carley* 
Wow mamma! What an ordeal!

Fixing up your basement for a controlled social area is an AWESOME idea!!!!! You're brilliant!!!

And you have endless patience.









Great idea.


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## emcare (Sep 11, 2005)

Oh, mama. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mom.

Sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. I wish my mom would have handled my reckless behavior in the same way.

I'm keeping notes to try to be ready when, in 10 years or so, I'm in similar situtations with my kids.


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## ***Heather*** (Sep 28, 2006)

I would also suggest that you talk to your daughter about the "proper" way to deal with emotions/stress instead of drinking/numbing herself/not dealing with it. You mention that she was upset about her grades and losing the school principal. Encourage her to talk to you (or someone else) about her problems. If she gets frustrated, sometimes physical activity helps: kick boxing, jogging, etc.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Not to give you something else to freak out about...but there has been interesting research coming out in the last couple of years about the long term brain effects of drinking during the teen years. It is serious even if it is just isolated incidents of binge drinking. It may be worth doing a bit of research and sharing this information with your daughter so she can make a more informed decision.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I know Roar..I read similar reports and that coupled with the fact that her dad is an alcoholic..well I am wayyy scared.

She is now in the garage painting a puppet theatre we are making for the little ones Christmas gift.

She sold a bunch of her fundraiser candy.

I talked to my dh and we are going to "teen-proof" the basement..set it up as a bit of a hang-out for her and her friends. It will have television, dvd player, we will lock the cold room(where our beer is..well dh's, I have Guinness, I think she will not drink that







) and we will lock the storage area as well..she tends to get picky and get into things.

I am now trying to think up rules for the area. They will have to keep it clean and tidy, kids will have to leave by 10pm etc. and there will absolutely be no alcohol etc. I think 3 girls max and no boys at all.

and I think it will wait until after Christmas. I don't want it to feel like a reward plus we can do the work over Christmas vacation.

any suggestions ladies.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

My only potential helpful thought is that -- if she is a popularity seeker, tell her that if she gets caught breaking the rules again, she is going to be homeschooled. That should scare the daylights out of her.

Also, it gives her a response to peer pressure from the in crowd: Dude, I can't smoke that because my mom will pull me out of school.


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## Carley (Aug 16, 2005)

Lady you are a fantastic mom! Sounds like she's really turned a corner. It might be hard, but try not to let once instance scar you. Your daughter really sounds like a really good kid. A true rebel would have told you to F-off instead of painting a theatre for her sibilings. You are totally on top of this!

Oooo your girl space sounds sooo cool! It might even encourage other girls to engage in more wholesome activities! Such a cool idea! You could even host themed slumber parties as an alternative to the "cool kids" parties (that sneakey sneakersons might sneak out to). Try to find out when these are & preempt them with your kicka** space! You & all her friends mothers will know your kids are safe since they will literally be locked in the basement!







AWESOME!

Chick magazines! Posters of awesome women she's into (female hockey players? Beyonce? etc)? Pillows & beanbags? A minifridge from goodwill stocked with juice, clubsoda & snacks? (& a dustbuster from goodwill to clean up messes?) T.V/VCR/DVD with movies! CD player! "Cool" board games (I don't know what they are anymore, but when I was 13 there were dating games & a game called "Nightmare"). Does she like to make jewelry or knit? Play guitar or like to do her nails? I bet she'd like to help decorate... maybe you guys could get a group of her friends to go thrifting together?

Man! I wish I had a basement!! I wouldn't think of it as a reward but as a BRILLIANT alternative to mischief! Keep it positive! Make it a place where they can be as loud & crazy as they want! Loud & crazy in your basement is infinately better than loud & crazy at some cool party









I can't wait to hear about your set up!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
I did thank the mom for her honest..last night..we had a good chat.

I talked to my daughter..she's not all that remorseful at this point.

As to supervision. I told her that it's obvious that she's unable to make good choices when left to her own devices so now there will always be an adult supervising her. She won't go to a movie with her friends unless a parent is sitting in the theatre with her or a hockey game unless an adult is sitting in the seat next to her also.

There is no one home so I don't know where my camera is..she said she didn't take it to the arena.

She will not be sleeping at other people's houses either and no one will be sleeping here. We have no alcohol..well fil left some scotch...maybe I should keep an eye on it.

There really isn't anything for teens to do.

I am looking into piano lessons for her. there is a teacher here in town. I am also looking into a youth group. I think there is one at the local United Church. We live in a small town and have to drive to bigger town for activities and with the little ones I can't do it always.

In June she will get a job. That will keep her busy..idle hands and all that.

She's going out to sell her mint smoothies now. It's -15C...and windy. She is going around our subdivision only where I can see her and taking my cell so I can keep track of her.

I was supposed to paint pottery today..guess my plans are ruined unless dh gets home before 3pm. I can't leave her alone with the little ones..she was supposed to be my babysitter but I can't trust her alone now.

sigh..why is this so hard?

One mistake doesn't mean she is permanently untrustworthy. Which is the vibe I'm getting from this post. If she drank as much as you posted and judging from the state she was in when she got home, she probably woke up feeling like crap and the biggest lesson usually comes from that.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Some of her future behavior depends on the attention she gets for last night at school. If they talk about it and make her feel like she was cool, then she probably wont feel all that bad about it. But if they make her feel like it/she was stupid, she is less likely to repeat it any time soon.

But, she WILL repeat this one day. It may not be for several years, but she will get very very drunk.

Hopefully waking up sick made an impact on her. As long as she understands it was the alchohol that did this.

My dd is 15 and has never gotten drunk (yet) I tell her it isn't O.K, BUT if she does, that she is to call me to come get her. No questions asked. I just want her to get home safe. I tell her the same thing for her friends driving. Call me, I will go get her (or them) from anywhere, and I will not bring it up again.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:

Some of her future bahviour depends on the attention she gets for last night at school. If they talk about it and make her feel like she was cool, then she probably wont feel all that bad about it. But if they make her feel like it/she was stupid, she is less likely to repeat it any time soon.
I don't know, there are a lot of variable to that possibility. We don't know that she got drunk to be cool, to escape from something or just to experiment and see what it was like.

Given that AFAIK this was a first time event, it is more likely was to experiment with alcohol and since only 1 other girl in the group participated it's less likely she did it just to fit in or due to peer pressure. All the other girls according to the OP didn't drink. So the drinkers were the minority.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
I know Roar..I read similar reports and that coupled with the fact that her dad is an alcoholic..well I am wayyy scared.
.

Have you shared this information and information about genetic risks of alcoholism with your daughter? That was helpful information for me as a kid. If you can do it not in a scare tactic way, but in a way to share meaningful information with her I think that would be a good idea.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Some great ideas Carley...only thing is they can't be as loud and crazy as they want...it will wake my little ones.

I think I will make it a music room. We have karaoke on demand on our cable chanels now. She loves to sing. She will take guitar in highschool etc. Stereo etc.

We have a mini fridge, vacuum but I will need to put garbage containers down there. It will be a shared space because the little ones have their toys down there and I have my exercise equipment(which they will be free to use of course) but on Friday/Saturday nights, yeah, it will be teen space. I have an older 17 year old daughter as well and it will work for them too. They all get along so it will be fine. My older dd's bedroom is not finished yet(it's in the basement too but once it is we can move her stuff in there. and make more room in the main basement space.

Next commercial..I think she will be thought of as cool by certain kids and not cool by others and those whose approval she seeks the most will make a difference. But since she's not going to get to hang out without supervision for a while I think the ones who approve will disappear.

And as to the trust issue, while I realise one event doesn't make someone untrustworthy forever, she has proven she's too young to be unsupervised. So untuil I feel she's ready to be trusted again she will be watched closely.

she's a really good kid. And I don't want her to make serious mistakes at this age. She's just too young right now.

AFAIK this is the first time but I can't say for sure.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

I've never been to an AA meeting, but can you maybe somehow show her what binge drinking will do to you as an adult? Not sure if she's the type of teen that it'll even faze her or not. I know kids experiment, but as long as she doesn't start doing that as a habit, she should be okay. I'd also have her pay for the digital camera she lost. Hopefully the hangover she may have will deter her from drinking till unconscious..but as you say she may bend to peer pressure.

Can you maybe try to keep her away from kids like that? They seem to be bad influence on your DD.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

We have the digital camera..she didn't take it to the arena thank goodness.

The other mom brought it by.

We had a little chat. The other girl's mom found out through the grapevine before the mom who had the sleepover could tell her. She's really nervous about the other mom being angry. Since it was her vodka in her house.

I am still angry but mostly disappointed. She's a great kid..all bubbly personality and creativity. She has a wicked quick sense of humour. She's pretty and sweet and loving.

Sometimes she doesn't know it though.

I am exhausted..it's been a long day. I am now sending her out to do a second coat of paint.

Thanks for the input ladies. It really has helped.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I'd watch out for her getting a job. Just keep an eye on her and those she hangs out with. As a teen, my first job was where I started smoking heavily and was introduced to drugs and drinking. Not trying to scare you out of that, just letting you know to check in on her at work to make sure SHE knows you're looking out.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

Please do all you can to nip this in the bud. As a mother of a teen who has been ticketed three times for underage drinking, and been in court twice, the last time was a couple of weeks ago, this is a issue close to my heart. I really don't know what to suggest because I feel like such a failure with my DD in this regard. I think she is now just getting it, dispite having gone through two diversion programs, community service, and now she is about to be evaluated for more alcohol therapy again.

Quote:

she's a really good kid. And I don't want her to make serious mistakes at this age. She's just too young right now.
I hear you







. My DD too, is basically a good kid who has made some not so good choices in regard to friends. She really never was a big drinker, just a couple of beers if that, but the city we live in is extremely tough on underage drinking. I think the biggest thing with my DD is she could never find something she was really interested in pursuing, she tried plenty of stuff, school volleyball team, track, gymnastics, but woud never sustain anything. If she had had an interest outside of her friends I am not sure this would have happened.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

UGh - What a mess. You really are handling this well.

Let tell another side of the story.

I drank at 13, too. I was the ring leader and I stole it (sort of) from my own parents. It was leftover beer in the basement fridge from my sisters wedding months earlier. My family didn't drink beer, so I didn't think they'd miss a few bottles. It was a sleep over at my house and we had to mix the beer with soda just to get it down. I got the drunkest.

We slept it off, no idea if my parents ever found out. I graduated high school with honors, went on the college and grad school and have not once tried an illegal drug. It was a one-time thing at 13 (and more underage drinking in college from 18-20 'cause it was much more available). I just want to say that it isn't the end of the world. It may just be one incident.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
I'd watch out for her getting a job. Just keep an eye on her and those she hangs out with. As a teen, my first job was where I started smoking heavily and was introduced to drugs and drinking. Not trying to scare you out of that, just letting you know to check in on her at work to make sure SHE knows you're looking out.

It will be at the Tim Horton's down the street.


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

I love most of the support and suggestions you are getting here.









Just had to add, that as the mother of 5 (and step of one more), I agree with your "No unsupervised time" rule absolutely!!

Our second child (soon to be 15) took it upon herself to abuse her comp time at school in a few ways, and was rewarded by:

Me printing out all emails

Loss of all comp time at home, unless a parent was watching, and NO internet,

And we walked her through what is now called, "The March of Shame," because she had to personally apologise to every teacher at her tech school whose comp time she had used to email. The teachers were very, VERY surprised as my Dd is a most docile, happy, and incredibly tutorial student (i.e., she loves to tutor others).

I actually walked that child through her classes for two days, and also through her swim team locker-room and out to the poolsde, then met her back in the locker room, etc.

She was so upset, but had no choice and understood she had broken our trust.

What made her see the light was that she had to personally apologise to all her female teammates, as they were subjected to me sitting in the changing room both before and after practice.

She finally realised the apology had to be HERS and not MINE.









good luck!

love, penelope


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

I think this will be a good learning experience for your daughter and i think you've handled it great. I've always allowed my daughters to have a glass of wine at dinner or a drink on occasion since they were 13. But because of this..both my girls (17 and 15) have learned to be responsible with their drinking and it's funny because neither of them will go to the regular weekend drinking parties their friends have. I live in Ohio, and here it is legal for them to drink at a restaurant or bar if they are with me, and occasionally they will have a drink at dinner. Just my 2cents on how I handle it...but no one in my extended family has any drinking issues...if there was any history of alcohalism I might handle this differently. Oh and no...I don't let their friends drink here unless they are staying overnite and only if the other parents are aware of it...but even then the drinking is very moderate. Just my thoughts on the subject. Barb


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
I'd watch out for her getting a job. Just keep an eye on her and those she hangs out with. As a teen, my first job was where I started smoking heavily and was introduced to drugs and drinking. Not trying to scare you out of that, just letting you know to check in on her at work to make sure SHE knows you're looking out.

from personal experience, i was thinking the same thing...


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## cherrymary (Apr 14, 2007)

memo to ANYONE with teens that do this kind of stuff: you are NOT, repeat NOT, a failure!!! both my mom and my dad were the best parents i ever could have asked for and i love and respect them both, always have and always will - but i still did all kinds of stupid stuff from the age of about 13 onwards! nobody lives in a vacuum, and no matter what kinds of influence you have on your children they are still free to make their own choices based on all kinds of external input they pick up from god knows where, and there's no way you can ever guarantee that they will make "good" choices 100% of the time. seriously, my mind boggles when i think back to all the insane things i used to do - i am incredibly lucky to still be alive and kicking, and i have no idea how my parents had the patience to let me find my own way. thankfully, i got it all out of my system early on, shaped up, and am pretty on track with my life, i think.

the moral of the story, well, is first of all that parenting must be TERRIFYING!!! and you all deserve a medal of honor and a paycheck for doing what you do, day in, day out. nobody is perfect, but i also believe that very few people are actually failures as parents. if you try, if you care, if you worry, if you love them, you can't fail. but there are things you can do that can help them make good decisions when the time comes, and you have all had great things to say about this, especially the OP. i particularly agree with the poster who encouraged responsible, mature drinking in moderation at home - in all my travels, the US seems to be the only country in the world with (a) such draconian drinking laws and (b) such horrific drinking behavior among teens.

good luck to you and


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm glad she's home safely and your camera was found.

I suggest sitting down and talking to her about her dad and your concerns about alcoholism in the family. Plus I agree with the others about giving her more supervision- she's just proven that she's not ready to have that kind of freedom yet. The "teen lounge" in the basement is an excellent idea.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KailuaMamatoMaya* 
I would take her to her family Dr. and have her take an HIV test "just in case" - my Mom did this to me and and made me think of what bad decisions I could have made, or could have forgotten if I made for being so drunk. I've heard of girls getting STD tested with the same outcome but that rubs me the wrong way - a simple blood test seems less invasive but with the same mental ending and conversation opener.

It all depends on YOUR daughter and how YOU feel she would react, how well you'll be able to discuss this, etc.

I have to say that I don't think this is a good idea at all.

1. HIV takes up to 6 months to show on tests. Even if she had contracted HIV that night, the chance of it showing up the next morning - slim.

2. There was no chance for her to have sex in this situation as the children were mostly supervised and she slept at the girl's house.

3. I see this as going way overboard. She'll want to do something that her daughter will take seriously and if it's too much, then she's probably not going to listen.

I think the kid's club area is a great idea.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

I agree, I like the teen lounge idea, too. But I'd let certain boys in there, occasionally. I had male friends that I really enjoyed (in completely innocent ways!) that I'd have to sneak around to see and it sucked.

Also, if she toes the line, give her the trust back. I did a stupid thing early on and my parents treated me like a criminal from then on.







It got to the point after a while that even though I *had* been being good after that initial incident, I gave up because they didn't trust me. I figured if everyone assumed I was bad, I might as well have the fun associated with it.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
It will be at the Tim Horton's down the street.

don't know what that place is, but mmine was a dairy queen, also right down the street, I was a "good girl" before working there and was exposed to more things than you'd ever think you'd find in the realm of dairy queen.


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## cherrymary (Apr 14, 2007)

also, since she's clearly experimenting with what she does and does not have control over in her life, as is only natural for a teenager, how about letting her have creative control in designing and putting together the basement hangout, rather than guessing what she might be into (damn near impossible for most teens i know)? obviously, she's got to run everything by you - no minibar, etc - but that way it will be a place that she will WANT to show off to her friends, and she'll feel as if she has that all-important privacy, but you'll still know that she's being safe, AND you'll come across as the good guy.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 
Oh and no...I don't let their friends drink here unless they are staying overnite and only if the other parents are aware of it...but even then the drinking is very moderate. Just my thoughts on the subject. Barb

Just be aware that allowing your kids' friends to drink in your home - even with their parents' knowledge - is illegal in most states. You can only provide alcohol to your own child. Not to anyone else's.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KailuaMamatoMaya* 
I would take her to her family Dr. and have her take an HIV test "just in case" - my Mom did this to me and and made me think of what bad decisions I could have made, or could have forgotten if I made for being so drunk. I've heard of girls getting STD tested with the same outcome but that rubs me the wrong way - a simple blood test seems less invasive but with the same mental ending and conversation opener.

It all depends on YOUR daughter and how YOU feel she would react, how well you'll be able to discuss this, etc.


This really seems like overkill to me..plus I am more of a "let the punishment fit the crime" and "natural consequences" type of mom.

If she had been caught doing needles or having sex an HIV might be more appropriate.

As to the job thing..I think sometimes you have to take your chances. The people who work there are mostly adults. She would be driven there and picked up so I would smell anything or her dad would. She may be exposed to all sorts of things anywhere.

I am not worried about her working at the local Tim Hortons. As an FYI we are in a tiny town (1200) in rural Canada there isn't much you can get away with here without someone ratting you out.

Which is how we found out they were drinking at the arena.









I am actually using this as a natural consequence. Who will hire the girl who is always drunk at the arena type of thing. Reputation is very important when you are looking to get a job in a tiny town.

CherryMary..while she will have some say as to the basement..it will be a shared space..except on Friday and Saturday nights because the little ones will be there too. So it has to be a family set up, not so much a teen set up. She has her own room where she has a lot of creative licence.

She's been really good this past couple days, helpful, quiet, respectful. I think she's sorry. She's not kicking up a stink and fighting us so I think she knows she screwed up royally.

and I also think she had no clue as to how much the alcohol would affect her. They had approximately 250 ml of alcohol between 2 of them. Even if she drank it all I wouldn't have expected her to still be that drunk 3 hours later and after a nap..she obviously has a really low tolerance.

Datura...the only reason i wouldn't let boys in there is because I know some of the other parents wouldn't approve of that. I think it's reasonable and if there are no other girls here and one of her boy friends wants to come over I have no issues with that.

And I will trust her again. I will give her chances to prove herself again. She has a whole lot of things to work towards, getting a job, her driver's licence etc. and none of those will happen if she's drinking.

My dh came home yesterday. He's too upset to deal yet. He just kept very neutral and said he's going to talk to her next time when he cools down. He is very disappointed in her and they have a really close relationship. I think his input will help a great deal. But right now he's just too upset.

Oh and she's going to apologize to her friend's mom. That's important because she put her in a very difficult position.

Thanks for all the suggestions ladies

Carolyn


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I can imagine I would want to talk about the need for apology/restitution to the mother from whom she stole the alcohol--I don't know if that was mentioned yet.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
I can imagine I would want to talk about the need for apology/restitution to the mother from whom she stole the alcohol--I don't know if that was mentioned yet.









I was thinking the same thing. The daughter owes this other mom a bottle of vodka. LMAO.

Maybe a reality check into how much the vodka costs might put a new spin on things for her.

I never got involved in drugs, drinking, or smoking pot. ALL because I didn't want to spend my money on the stuff. I would rather have had makeup, music or clothes.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
I can imagine I would want to talk about the need for apology/restitution to the mother from whom she stole the alcohol--I don't know if that was mentioned yet.

we talked about that today..she will be apologizing


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I totally recommend the piano lessons and the youth group, IF it's a good fit. Does she want to play piano? Will she be comfortable in the church youth group? I was in band throughout middle and high school. It was my bright spot in school. It made me feel like a worthwhile person, even when I was in trouble in other parts of my life.

======

Dang, I didn't even notice there was a second and third page! I hate when that happens. Anyway, you say she'll have guitar in school. That's very cool. If it's something she truly enjoys it's something that will help her feel good about herself. Your daughter sounds pretty neat!

Oh, and you've inspired me. I think I'll tell my 12 y.o. she can invite some girls over to watch a movie this Friday.


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## KermitMissesJim (Feb 12, 2004)

I wanted to share some ways that peers of mine had their smoking/drinking issues handled by their parents.

The most popular girl in my class never touched a cigarette. Her mother sat her down when she was 12, lit up a cigarette for her, and made her smoke it. The girl was completely grossed out by the taste and the crap in it made her slightly ill. She's never touched one since. So that was preventative.

One of my college boyfriends came home drunk in high school. His dad, seeing the state of him, said "Oh, you like to drink? Let's have a drink, then, son." Took him in the kitchen, took out two beers, and insisted on bonding over a beer. Sent boyfriend right over the edge from drunk to sick, and cured his overindulgence problem.

I'm not saying I endorse either or both of these methods, though each gives me a lot to think about. I just thought I would share. I think you're doing a bang up job so far. Five years till I have a 13yo; I'll need every one of them to prepare!


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

You guys are awesome!

Kermit misses Jim...I had thought of breaking out Grandpa's scotch and sharing a wee nip with her..but I'd probably wind up hammered..lol.

I think she would like piano, unfortunately the piano teacher doesn't have a spot left. I am still trying to figure out about youth group but she says she would like to join.

I have also suggested joining a church choir. Our neighbor is a minister at a local church and I think we may start attending. Their choir came to the door carolling the other night and it was awesome. She said she would like to do that.

I think his church has a youth group as well. Also it's right on our street..I could watch her walk there..lol. I can see if from my front door.

For a bit of an update

We finally got what I think is the truest version of the events.

The 12 year old girl whose house they were staying at came up with the idea, distracted her mom while the other 2 went into the liquor cabinet. They filled half a water bottle with the vodka.

They tried to get some orange juice but mom was around and couldn't get it.

The first girl tried it and didn't like it and couldn't drink it..the other two shared the rest. So the girl who didn't drink any wasn't being noble..she just couldn't stomach it.









My dd and her other friend were pretty drunk. They managed to get in the car, backseat and get home without it being noticed. The other mom feels pretty bad about not noticing.

About half an hour later she got a call from another mom. Her dd told her what she had seen at the arena. That's when she went and smelled their breath..they were all asleep.

She woke them up, got the story, brought my dd home, the other girl had to stay because her parents were out of town.

My dd was drunkest, probably because she's only half the size of the other girl.

The other girl got in really serious trouble, parents are outraged, angry and she cannot hang around with my dd again etc.

That's fine since my dd won't be going anywhere if there isn't a parent present.

So dh and I are working on getting the basement ready for them to hang out in over Christmas.

It will be pretty rough but good enough for a bunch of teens. We are not having sleepovers though. This is for the kids to hang out, watch movies.then go home.

Anyway. She has been pretty easy to deal with lately..she knows she screwed up and she hasn't once defended her actions.

Her older sister got the entire story out of her so that's how I know what's what.

She is working on a letter of apology to her friend's mom.

Thanks for all the suggestions/ideas and support!

I think we can never be too vigilant and I think it's a litte bit of rope at a time..but not too much they can hang themselves kwim.

Cheers


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
You guys are awesome!

Kermit misses Jim...I had thought of breaking out Grandpa's scotch and sharing a wee nip with her..but I'd probably wind up hammered..lol.

I think she would like piano, unfortunately the piano teacher doesn't have a spot left. I am still trying to figure out about youth group but she says she would like to join.

I have also suggested joining a church choir. Our neighbor is a minister at a local church and I think we may start attending. Their choir came to the door carolling the other night and it was awesome. She said she would like to do that.

I think his church has a youth group as well. Also it's right on our street..I could watch her walk there..lol. I can see if from my front door.

For a bit of an update

We finally got what I think is the truest version of the events.

The 12 year old girl whose house they were staying at came up with the idea, distracted her mom while the other 2 went into the liquor cabinet. They filled half a water bottle with the vodka.

They tried to get some orange juice but mom was around and couldn't get it.

The first girl tried it and didn't like it and couldn't drink it..the other two shared the rest. So the girl who didn't drink any wasn't being noble..she just couldn't stomach it.









My dd and her other friend were pretty drunk. They managed to get in the car, backseat and get home without it being noticed. The other mom feels pretty bad about not noticing.

About half an hour later she got a call from another mom. Her dd told her what she had seen at the arena. That's when she went and smelled their breath..they were all asleep.

She woke them up, got the story, brought my dd home, the other girl had to stay because her parents were out of town.

My dd was drunkest, probably because she's only half the size of the other girl.

The other girl got in really serious trouble, parents are outraged, angry and she cannot hang around with my dd again etc.

That's fine since my dd won't be going anywhere if there isn't a parent present.

So dh and I are working on getting the basement ready for them to hang out in over Christmas.

It will be pretty rough but good enough for a bunch of teens. We are not having sleepovers though. This is for the kids to hang out, watch movies.then go home.

Anyway. She has been pretty easy to deal with lately..she knows she screwed up and she hasn't once defended her actions.

Her older sister got the entire story out of her so that's how I know what's what.

She is working on a letter of apology to her friend's mom.

Thanks for all the suggestions/ideas and support!

I think we can never be too vigilant and I think it's a litte bit of rope at a time..but not too much they can hang themselves kwim.

Cheers


Yeah, tell that mom not to feel so badly. I was drugged at a party and raped. I was lucid enough to walk to my mothers car after and she NEVER noticed I was drunk and DRUGGED...

Do you have Alinon meetings in Canada? I truly believe alcoholism and depression run in families (sorry if people disagree). I think her being involved in an Alinon group may be beneficial. It is for the family members of an alcoholic. A lot of schools here offer them.

I def. think this was for attention. I think the teen room and the job, church group are all good ideas. I was a rebellious alcoholic drug abuser in my teens, let me tell ya, I never sold school candy, told me mother to F*CK off a lot though..

BIG BIG HUGS mama... and good luck!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMindedMomma* 
Do you have Alinon meetings in Canada? I truly believe alcoholism and depression run in families (sorry if people disagree). I think her being involved in an Alinon group may be beneficial. It is for the family members of an alcoholic. A lot of schools here offer them.

Just a word of caution -- my mom sent me to Alanon after she found out that I had tried smoking pot (my dad had alcohol/drug issues so she was really worried), and instead of getting anything useful out of the meetings, I just met a bunch of "wrong crowd"-type friends and 2 boyfriends who were way worse than any I had dated prior to attending those meetings.


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