# Do you let your kids say, "hate"?



## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I do...but my friend does not allow it. I was just wondering if this was sort of common.
I, for instance, hate ketchup..and I say so.
I don't mind if my DD says it (my son doesn't talk outloud yet) . I don't like when she is mad at her brother and says, "I hate Michael" and I tell her to tell him she is angry with him and doesn't like....."

That said though I do not ban the word.

I'm just wondering what you guys do.

This is out of sheer curiosity.


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

My dd is allowed to say she hates something. But she really rarely uses it.


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## glorified_rice (Jun 5, 2005)

I try not to forbid any words. My son is still a little young to make sense of the subtle differences between words like hate and dislike. Hopefully it won't be a word he uses often. I personally don't like the word, but I find myself using it from time to time.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Has your friend read the book 1984?

My child is entitled to feel how he feels whether or not I enjoy it. If he hates me at somepoint b/c I won't let him ride his bike without a helmet that's ok he can hate me for it, but he still has to wear the helmet.

Some times I hate DH, and I'm entitled to. However, I still don't pumell him with a frying pan.

Actions need to be limited for obvious reasons, but feeling just are what they are. If we don't allow our children to express their feelings we are robbing them of their most basic human rights.


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

My ds can say whatever he wants. If I think his words are having a negative impact, I discuss it with him.


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## lurable (Jul 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Has your friend read the book 1984?

My child is entitled to feel how he feels whether or not I enjoy it. If he hates me at somepoint b/c I won't let him ride his bike without a helmet that's ok he can hate me for it, but he still has to wear the helmet.

Some times I hate DH, and I'm entitled to. However, I still don't pumell him with a frying pan.

Actions need to be limited for obvious reasons, but feeling just are what they are. If we don't allow our children to express their feelings we are robbing them of their most basic human rights.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I'm not sure if she ever read that book. I never read it so I'm not sure about the connection.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 

Actions need to be limited for obvious reasons, but feelings just are what they are. If we don't allow our children to express their feelings we are robbing them of their most basic human rights.


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

I ask my kids not to use the word 'hate'. It's just a bit too extreme for our family. There are lots of other more interesting words to choose from, and sometimes we have fun figuring those out. My kids are entitled to their feelings, and we talk about them a lot. I make sure they have lots of ways to express them too.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Also, "hate" usually means anger.

I try to help them figure out that they are mad without condemning the word hate.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

I don't get why someone wouldn't want their child to use the word "hate".

hate (hāt)

1.
a. To feel hostility or animosity toward.
b. To detest.
2. To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes.

My son certainly has animosity toward me going to work. He also really hates getting wet. Why shouldn't he say so?

I guess I just don't understand what the big deal is with this word?


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## karlin (Apr 8, 2004)

Yeah, I allow almost anything. My son isn't quite 4, so when he hears a new word, he experiments with it. I was a little taken back when he first started saying he hated something I admit, but so far he's only using it for food or activities and not people.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

My kids ae fairly young, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it if they said they hate _something_ (activity, book), rather than _someone_. In that case, I will not tolerate it in this house to say they "hate" someone.
I remember as a kid that word wasn't supposed to be said...so one day when my sister ticked me off, I wrote it on a sheet of paper and gave it to her..







the good ol days...


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momz3* 
My kids ae fairly young, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it if they said they hate _something_ (activity, book), rather than _someone_. In that case, I will not tolerate it in this house to say they "hate" someone.

See, I don't understand this. I'm not being snarky, just curious why you do this. What is wrong with saying they hate someone? I have people that I hate.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

we don't fear words or feelings and we try to teach our kids the same.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShaggyDaddy* 
we don't fear words or feelings and we try to teach our kids the same.

seriously, what does that even mean?

so if your ...say 7 year old kid tells his cousin...or better yet - you.... they're an f'ing idiot and they hate them (extreme example of course) ....is that is embracing their feelings fearlessly? i mean, don't you think words are very powerful?

for example, i could seriously NEVER hit my child and still break their spirit with my words alone. isn't that saying something about how we should caution our use in them and teach children this as well???


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I usually provide some sort of expansion when my 4 y/o says he "hates" something, both to validate what he's feeling and also to provide him with other ways of expressing what he feels. Stuff like "you sound very angry" or "it really, REALLY bothers you when your brother does that," or "it's frustrating when the pieces don't fit together the way you want them to."

I don't think I'd like it if my kids told me they hate me or said it to each other, but I'm not sure there's anything *wrong* with that particular word.

It bothers me when somebody tells a child "no, you don't...you don't hate your brother, you love him" much more than when the child uses the word hate.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowMom* 
See, I don't understand this. I'm not being snarky, just curious why you do this. What is wrong with saying they hate someone? I have people that I hate.

have you ever heard of hate crime? people literally hate others for their sexual preference, color of their skin, religion, and the list literally NEVER ends. WHY would you teach a child it is acceptable to hate anyone? seriously, i am blown away.


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

I wouldn't forbid something like "hate", especially with younger kids who just don't have the vocab to express themselves with greater subtlety. But I might take "I hate Joey" as an opportunity to teach them about manners, empathy, or more subtle language.

I look at kids using "hate" the way dd used the noun "kitty" to identify all animals when she was little. Dogs were kitty, birds were kitty. Then she learned distinctions.

With an "I hate Joey" I might encourage her to talk about her feelings differently, like "I get really angry when Joey takes my toy," because it's a more specific way to let someone know what's bugging you, which gets you closer to solving your problems. But I wouldn't get upset about the word "hate" as such.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
have you ever heard of hate crime? people literally hate others for their sexual preference, color of their skin, religion, and the list literally NEVER ends. WHY would you teach a child it is acceptable to hate anyone? seriously, i am blown away.

Wow, are you seriously equating "hating" something or someone, with hating someone just because of their sexual preference/color of skin/religion/etc?

That is so over the top it doesn't make any sense at all to me.

I can think of many people that I strongly dislike (you might even say hate! gasp) and it has absolutely nothing to do with any of those things.

Since "love" can sometimes mean an unhealthy kind of love, should we not use it either? Since "sex" can sometimes mean an unhealthy kind of sexual attraction, should it be off limits?

That just makes no sense whatsoever to me. I guess the "we don't say we hate people" crowd's message is completely lost on me.


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## towsonmama (May 19, 2006)

I fall in with those that don't forbid words in the house. That said, the word "hate" has developed a connotation much stronger than its literal definition in our society and because of that I want to make sure my children understand the impact of that word before I allow them to use it without question.


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## cpop (May 3, 2006)

I don't forbid any words, but I try very hard to explain to my dd what they really mean. I'm fine with her using whatever words she wants but it's my job to make sure she knows what she's saying and that some words can hurt people.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
people literally hate others for their sexual preference, color of their skin, religion, and the list literally NEVER ends. WHY would you teach a child it is acceptable to hate anyone?

I do want my children to learn that "hate", in the above sense, is wrong. But I don't forbid my children from saying they hate someone, because for my children "I hate" means "I'm angry." What I would like to teach them is that we can be so much more clear, and more compassionate, in how we express our anger or frustration or disappointment. Forbidding the word creates a new power struggle, and that gets in the way of their learning. So I translate when they say it, I'll say "you're really angry. You didn't like it when she did that, you want [whatever]" or something like that. We do talk about the fact that saying "I hate you" can be very hurtful, and that we can say what we feel in other ways-in ways that are true to ourselves, that are respectful of others, that are compassionate, and that foster cooperation and understanding.

I really like the Nonviolent Communication model, and that is what I try to use with my children, because I find that it allows me to both communicate more effectively and to have a more compassionate understanding of others. I would like my children to learn the same.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
so if your ...say 7 year old kid tells his cousin...or better yet - you.... they're an f'ing idiot and they hate them (extreme example of course) ....is that is embracing their feelings fearlessly? i mean, don't you think words are very powerful?

In your example consider these two ways of handling it:

1. "We don't use the word _hate._ You can not say you hate your cousin." 7 yo now feels that he must supress his anger, he is less important than his cousin and that his feelings aren't valid. or...

2. "Why did you say you hate cousin." allow 7yo to talk about what happened. "It sounds like that made you very (angry, scared, sad, whatever is correct.) If that happened to me it would upset me too."

If the reason 7yo said it was simple anger over one small thing "I don't think you really hate cousin, I think you were just angry. I bet it hurt cousins fellings when you said that you hated him. Would you to try to express how you feel to him more clearly." then help 7yo put his feelings into a less hurtful format.

If it turns out that cousin tortures 7yo every time they see each other then validate his feeling of hate talk briefly about being civil in social situations then work on strategies for avoiding cousin in the future.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowMom* 
See, I don't understand this. I'm not being snarky, just curious why you do this. What is wrong with saying they hate someone? I have people that I hate.

Hello. Well, I'm truly sorry if you do not _understand_ what goes on in my house. I don't understand many things ppl do...that does not make my method right and theirs wrong (in most cases). We just have a difference.
I will not allow "I hate (person's name here)" Period. The end.Luckily we don't use that word around here and they have never said it (as I've mentioned, they are young).They probably will and thats where explaining will come in.
Not jumping on the bandwagon . I'm siding with Eliza on this one. If you all allow your children to say all/any the words they want, GREAT if that works for your family!! *Not* in this house.

Peace!!


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
In your example consider these two ways of handling it:

1. "We don't use the word _hate._ You can not say you hate your cousin." 7 yo now feels that he must supress his anger, he is less important than his cousin and that his feelings aren't valid. or...

2. "Why did you say you hate cousin." allow 7yo to talk about what happened. "It sounds like that made you very (angry, scared, sad, whatever is correct.) If that happened to me it would upset me too."

If the reason 7yo said it was simple anger over one small thing "I don't think you really hate cousin, I think you were just angry. I bet it hurt cousins fellings when you said that you hated him. Would you to try to express how you feel to him more clearly." then help 7yo put his feelings into a less hurtful format.

If it turns out that cousin tortures 7yo every time they see each other then validate his feeling of hate talk briefly about being civil in social situations then work on strategies for avoiding cousin in the future.


Good suggestions!


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

I was not allowed to say "Hate" when I was younger, but it was always the first thing I said to my mom when she told me no or sent me to my room. "I hate you!"

I say it a lot now too...because I'm lame and its a lame word and no one taught me how to find what was really bothering me. I hate my boss. I really do. But how lame is that? Couldn't I find something better? I think I say it more because it was denied me. I hate peas. I hate my computer at times. Lame. It just sounds lame. I think I must have been denied the use of the word lame too







.

Dd doesn't know the meaning of it yet, and she hasn't picked it up from me, yet, thank goodness. But I think when she does, we will talk about the word and try to find better ways of describing our feelings. If she still wants to use the word, I guess she can. I think she ought to be able to express distaste for something, and if that distaste happens to be hatred, then so be it.


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *forestrymom* 
Couldn't I find something better? I think I say it more because it was denied me. I hate peas. I hate my computer at times. Lame. It just sounds lame. I think I must have been denied the use of the word lame too







.









I feel that way about cool. Really, can't I find a better word?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

This thread is fascinating to me. Dp's mom doesn't allow lots of words because her religious belief is that they have power. So, one cannot refer to the low spot in the trunk where the tire sits as a "depression" because one cannot say the word depression, lest one become depressed. One cannot say one "loves" a thing or activity because love is only for people and God. One cannot say "hate." One cannot say something or someone is "perfect" because only God is perfect.

I can't say it's made her children really open up their heart and minds to her.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

sledg said:


> I do want my children to learn that "hate", in the above sense, is wrong. But I don't forbid my children from saying they hate someone, *because for my children "I hate" means "I'm angry."*
> 
> 
> > I agree with you. My children have also said they hate things or people...and I don't freak out or make some big deal out of it. But I absolutely talk to them and help them recognize they are angry and frustrated with the person, and we address the situation for what it really is.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
This thread is fascinating to me. Dp's mom doesn't allow lots of words because her religious belief is that they have power. So, one cannot refer to the low spot in the trunk where the tire sits as a "depression" because one cannot say the word depression, lest one become depressed. One cannot say one "loves" a thing or activity. One cannot say "hate." One cannot say something or someone is "perfect" because only God is perfect.

I can't say it's made her children really open up their heart and minds to her.


now that's just amusing to me. i certainly wasn't referring to "words can be powerful" in that context.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
In your example consider these two ways of handling it:

1. "We don't use the word _hate._ You can not say you hate your cousin." 7 yo now feels that he must supress his anger, he is less important than his cousin and that his feelings aren't valid. or...

2. "Why did you say you hate cousin." allow 7yo to talk about what happened. "It sounds like that made you very (angry, scared, sad, whatever is correct.) If that happened to me it would upset me too."

If the reason 7yo said it was simple anger over one small thing "I don't think you really hate cousin, I think you were just angry. I bet it hurt cousins fellings when you said that you hated him. Would you to try to express how you feel to him more clearly." then help 7yo put his feelings into a less hurtful format.

If it turns out that cousin tortures 7yo every time they see each other then validate his feeling of hate talk briefly about being civil in social situations then work on strategies for avoiding cousin in the future.

I really agree with you. I don't invalidate my children's feelings and I think to say NO, I FORBID THAT! and to never discuss what is really going on is a missed opportunity with your child.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

*Wow, are you seriously equating "hating" something or someone, with hating someone just because of their sexual preference/color of skin/religion/etc?*

yes, i seriously am. i'm not using the word "hate" out of context at all. that is hate.

*That is so over the top it doesn't make any sense at all to me.*

i agree it was an exaggerated example, but you asked, why is it wrong to let a child hate someone? hate can grow into many things. and let me ask you, how is it beneficial to teach a child it is okay to hate someone? People can do wrong things to me all day long, but only I can control my reactions and feelings. I was abused by my uncle as a child and I have every reason to feel justified in hating him....but it is NOT beneficial to me at all and I have worked very hard to let that go. Hate is like cancer to the soul imo.

*I can think of many people that I strongly dislike (you might even say hate! gasp) and it has absolutely nothing to do with any of those things.*

Of course you can hate someone and it not be tied at all to being a racist or homophobic, or fill in the blank ....but is the root of your emotion (not the reason) all that different?

*Since "love" can sometimes mean an unhealthy kind of love, should we not use it either? Since "sex" can sometimes mean an unhealthy kind of sexual attraction, should it be off limits?*

Love is not unhealthy. People do thing in the name of love that have nothing to do with love. People do things out of hatred because they hate.

*That just makes no sense whatsoever to me. I guess the "we don't say we hate people" crowd's message is completely lost on me.*

I don't want to debate about this, so we can agree to disagree. If you were at my house right now, we could talk over coffee, but often in these threads the real point of what one is trying to say gets lost in cyberspace.

I assume you are saying that you don't mind if your child uses the word "hate" loosely, and that is obviously your right. For me, I always address it when used by my children. They are still very young and it's important to me that they understand what they are really implying.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momz3* 
Hello. Well, I'm truly sorry if you do not _understand_ what goes on in my house. I don't understand many things ppl do...that does not make my method right and theirs wrong (in most cases). We just have a difference.
I will not allow "I hate (person's name here)" Period. The end.Luckily we don't use that word around here and they have never said it (as I've mentioned, they are young).They probably will and thats where explaining will come in.
Not jumping on the bandwagon . I'm siding with Eliza on this one. If you all allow your children to say all/any the words they want, GREAT if that works for your family!! *Not* in this house.

Peace!!









(shrug)

Well no one has offered any lucid explanation other than "sometimes when people say hate they mean hate crime, therefore the word hate is bad". So I guess I'm firmly in the "why would anyone disallow the word hate" camp.

And actually, I don't "allow" my child to say any words he wants. But if he told me he hated me I would chalk it up to the tempestuous emotions of children who have strong emotions and are in limited situations.


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

That's a really good point. The other day I was dealing with my 7yo not wanting to go back to camp. When we started our conversation I thought it was because he wanted to stay home and play instead of having to wake up early in the morning. But I was wrong: turns out he was being left alone at the university dining hall, and was scared. But it was hard for him to talk about, because it's not "cool" for a 7yo boy to be afraid of being alone and he didn't want to tell the staff he was afraid.

Sometimes strong language is really helpful in cueing us in that something really upsetting or scary is going on, and the child is asking for help in dealing w/it.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

No. Hate is a bad word in our house. So is stupid.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 

i agree it was an exaggerated example, but you asked, why is it wrong to let a child hate someone?

You may prevent your child from saying the word hate but you cannot prevent a child from feeling what she is feeling.

I think explaining the word hate and having discussions about it is much more effective.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

There is a world of difference between expressing your feelings and expressing those feelings in a way that is unkind to someone else.

Saying to me 'I hate my cousin" to me, not in hearing range of cousin, is experssing your feelings only. That is fine.

Saying TO the cousin "I hate you" is allowing your feelings to hurt someone else.

YOu are allowed in my home to express whatever feelings you have. I do expect though that you are not deliberately unkind to others and that includes saying mean things to them.

The peas, though, the peas don't give a f**ck if you hate them. So why would I care if you say that!


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## HeidiAnn67 (Jun 12, 2007)

Hate isn't a big problem here. Especially when refering to "things". I personally HATE liver, grocery shopping, hot, humid weather







and I'll express it. When my children say they Hate an object or activity, I'm sure they do. As for saying "I hate (person)", well if that's how they feel, that's how they feel. I remember many times as a child Hating my parents or brother (and at the moment I really did Hate them). Doesn't mean it's a lasting emotion. It's the emotion of the moment. My dh use to tell my kids "don't say that, you don't hate (who ever)" and I'd tell him "you cant tell them what they feel and what they don't feel". I do explain to the kids that it can be hurtfull to someone elses feelings if you say you hate them. For me personally, I know it's just an expression of their "in the moment" feelings and it doesn't mean they hate me forever, so I let them have their feeling and express it.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
You may prevent your child from saying the word hate but you cannot prevent a child from feeling what she is feeling.

I think explaining the word hate and having discussions about it is much more effective.

did you even read any of my posts????

because i don't ever remember saying if my child uses the word hate, i will say, You know that's a forbidden word! ...and the conversation ends. when did i say i want to invalidate my children's feelings or emotions????

i mean seriously.


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## clarinetb (Jul 31, 2007)

Our little one isn't quite at that stage yet. However, I don't like the word hate. A huge number of the problems in our world stem from hatred. Not saying that the use of the word is directly associated with actual hatred, but I find the word hate has very many negative and strong associations in this world. Deep down in my heart, even if I'm really angry and upset at someone, I can't truly hate them.

So, I won't let our daughter use the word when she is older. However, I don't think the answer is just saying 'you can't use that word'. There needs to be some deeper explaination or discussion, as many here have talked about.

I've worked with lots of children and usually the word 'hate' comes out of anger and frustration, which needs to be worked out.

That being said, if you hate brussel sprouts, that would be okay. Just don't think hating people is to be simply 'allowed'.

Interesting discussion! Thanks for all the view points.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Of course they can! I hate things & they naturally will find theings they hate also. Why can't they express what they feel?


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

They can totally express how they feel. It is my job as the adult to help them understand the words they are using to express those feelings have power. Power they don't fully understand yet. I think "hate" is a simple way to label other feelings like pp's have said- anger, frustration, disappointment. I would probably not forbid it but when it comes down to it I really dislike the word "hate" being used when talking about other people. It can be hurtful and little ones are often not empathetic enough yet to know that. I definately would be hot if my child said it to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. I think that intention is more wrong than the word itself. That will not be acceptable. There are better ways to solve a dispute than setting out to hurt someone and I want my children to learn that. How does that jive with Consensual living/gentle discipline? (honest question- it's frustrating how tone can't be read







)


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

opps double post sorry


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
did you even read any of my posts????

because i don't ever remember saying if my child uses the word hate, i will say, You know that's a forbidden word! ...and the conversation ends. when did i say i want to invalidate my children's feelings or emotions????

i mean seriously.

Yes I did read, and if you read the part i quoted, you specifically said why is it wrong to *let* a child hate someone, not why is it wrong to say the word hate?

Perhaps you should proofread before you hit submit.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I also think banning words that describe feelings is dismissive and invalidating.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Yes I did read, and if you read the part i quoted, you specifically said why is it wrong to *let* a child hate someone, not why is it wrong to say the word hate?

Perhaps you should proofread before you hit submit.

You said:
*You may prevent your child from saying the word hate but you cannot prevent a child from feeling what she is feeling.

I think explaining the word hate and having discussions about it is much more effective.*

I do explain -- did you read any of my posts???

i guess we have different definitions of hate when it comes to allowing our children to hate others.

my child has never hated anyone. i have hated a person, and it is not something i want my child to do. it is a terrible feeling that encompasses energy and emotion and bitterness, and it sucks the life out of you.

there is a difference between a child being very angry at someone and a child actually hating a person. if my child ever really hates a person, then i will help her work through those emotions.. the same way i help her work through frustrations and anger now.

proofrrrread? why? you'll figure it out.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Why? I wasn't saying that because of typos or misspellings. I have enough of those myself. Because you said something that I directly quoted that you denied saying? So you probably didn't mean to write that.

I agree with you about hating people, but I disagree that banning a word is going to do anything.

I also have no issue with my kid saying I hate a certain food item, for example. I hate olives.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I'm not sure if she ever read that book. I never read it so I'm not sure about the connection.

It was much more popular before the year 1984. It's a petty so few people read it these days just b/c it is set in a future that has passed IYKWIM.

In it they have devised what they call _new speak_ the point of new speak is that emotionally descriptive words are being left out. The idea is that if people don't have words to express things like _love_ and _hate_ or _joyful_ they will be easier to control.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Yep I allow. My boys dont really say it much. But my 3 year old daughter tells me that she hates me all of the time...lol. My mom told me it would break my heart the first time my kids said that to me...lol. Well I a proud to say it didnt. My mom is such a goof!


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## Mpenny1001 (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *towsonmama* 
That said, the word "hate" has developed a connotation much stronger than its literal definition in our society and because of that I want to make sure my children understand the impact of that word before I allow them to use it without question.


That exactly. We use it very sparingly. I can honestly say there are very few things in my life that are worthy of my hatred. (Obviously, my definition of hatred is pretty strong.) If DD is upset with someone, she knows to say she is angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. rather than that she hates them. I would think it easier to just label the emotion correctly from the start rather than starting with "hate" and then deducing that it's actually anger/frustration/whatever.


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## Sabo (Sep 22, 2006)

Here is my take, and it relates to what some pp's have mentioned, even those with differing views. We are all in agreement that *young children do not have as extensive a vocabulary as adults and they also may not be able to define their emotions fully yet.*

It takes time, experience, and guidance to develop those skills. Heck, its even hard for us as adults sometimes. I think that definitely, when a child uses the word hate in reference to another person, it should be addressed by the parent for the bolded reason above. In all likelihood, the child hates what the other person is doing or said. However, if left without guidance in defining those emotions, the child will view that person in light of the negative emotional response rather than simply viewing the person's action with the negative emotional response. Ultimately, hating a person is hating the whole of that person, the person's very essence or existence. That is A LOT of negative emotion for a child to handle, but it would be easier for the child if he/she realized that it was hatred or dislike of a behavior, not a person.

I think that banning the use of the word would be ineffective b/c those children who are not allowed to use the word won't learn about the emotion as fully. It is a very powerful word and can cause harm to those people that it is used against, but it is also important to realize that it can also harm the user of the word.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

We hate things but not people.

If my kid starts saying they hate something we do dive into emotions more. Well, unless it was something like I hate ketchup.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cpop* 
I don't forbid any words, but I try very hard to explain to my dd what they really mean. I'm fine with her using whatever words she wants but it's my job to make sure she knows what she's saying and that some words can hurt people.

This is me too. I make sure that my children understand the impact of their words to other people.


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## towsonmama (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 

my child has never hated anyone. i have hated a person, and it is not something i want my child to do. it is a terrible feeling that encompasses energy and emotion and bitterness, and it sucks the life out of you.


Do you think we can prevent them from hating someone? I totally agree that feeling hatred negatively affects you but I don't think it's easily avoidable. Sure, not everyone experiences it (Ghandi??) but I think it might be part of our human condition to at least have a little flare at some point. It's how we deal with it that's most important in my mind. I once heard someone say "anger and resentment eat their containers" and it really rings true with me. The hard part is acknowleding those feelings then letting them go. Seriously letting them go--not tucking them deep down inside and polishing them like a little pearl...wait, that's my own issue for another thread someday.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sabo* 

I think that banning the use of the word would be ineffective b/c those children who are not allowed to use the word won't learn about the emotion as fully.

How so? What if parents place no restriction on language but also never discuss the feelings behind specific words?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I also have no issue with my kid saying I hate a certain food item, for example. I hate olives.

Even the green ones when they're stuffed with feta cheese? Those poor little guys get me through PMS like noboby's business.









Okay, I better go. I think I'm feeling too giddy to be jumping in on a such a serious thread.


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## Sabo (Sep 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *towsonmama* 
How so? What if parents place no restriction on language but also never discuss the feelings behind specific words?

What I meant was that children who are never allowed to use the language will never have those meaningful conversations with parents and therefore they will not learn to completely process the strong emotion. Sorry that was unclear. If children just use whatever language they choose with no guidance whatsoever, they will never learn the full meaning behind the words and the related emotions.

One poster mentioned how her dc used to call all animals "kitty;" if left with no guidance, it would be much more difficult for the child to differentiate between the many different "kitties" of the world.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *towsonmama* 
Do you think we can prevent them from hating someone?

my daughter doesn't hate anyone, and she never has. she's 5 and my son is 3. i just want them to understand what hate really is. why is that such a big deal to anyone on this board? why is it wrong if my daughter says, "i hate you" & then we discuss her feelings and figure out where that statement really stemmed from??? imo, it's a good thing to help her share her feelings and recognize what is really troubling her. "i hate larry" can mean "i hate that larry never shares with me, and i always share with him." so we talk about it. we don't dissect it or spend a lot of time there, but we address it for what it really is and then call it that. i don't make a big deal about it, but it's worth discussing in my opinion. i never said hate was even "banned" in my home. if my daughter said she hated smelly feet or sweet pickles - i'm not going to go all sigmund freud on her and try to break it down. but if she says she hates a person, i want to talk about that with her or my son. it's worth a conversation in my opinion. i recognize hate is often used by children to describe something as simple as frustration or anger, and i don't ever invalidate their emotions or ability to express their feelings. i already said in another post on this thread, if my child does ever hate someone, i will help her work through those emotions, the same way that i help her work through her emotions now. i don't expect that my children will never feel hate, but i don't want it to consume her or him, so we will dialogue about things and learn how to handle all of these emotions by responding instead of just reacting. i don't think it is healthy to say, "well it's totally fine if my kids hate people. what's the big deal?" and that's what my original post was responding too....that question.

as for not wanting my child to ever feel hate to the magnitude i have...YES - i hope they *never ever* will. it is not natural to feel that way about another human being. it's horrible.


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## towsonmama (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
my daughter doesn't hate anyone, and she never has. she's 5 and my son is 3. i just want them to understand what hate really is. why is that such a big deal to anyone on this board? why is it wrong if my daughter says, "i hate you" & then we discuss her feelings and figure out where that statement really stemmed from??? imo, it's a good thing to help her share her feelings and recognize what is really troubling her. "i hate larry" can mean "i hate that larry never shares with me, and i always share with him." so we talk about it. we don't dissect it or spend a lot of time there, but we address it for what it really is and then call it that. i don't make a big deal about it, but it's worth discussing in my opinion. i never said hate was even "banned" in my home. if my daughter said she hated smelly feet or sweet pickles - i'm not going to go all sigmund freud on her and try to break it down. but if she says she hates a person, i want to talk about that with her or my son. it's worth a conversation in my opinion. i recognize hate is often used by children to describe something as simple as frustration or anger, and i don't ever invalidate their emotions or ability to express their feelings. i already said in another post on this thread, if my child does ever hate someone, i will help her work through those emotions, the same way that i help her work through her emotions now. i don't expect that my children will never feel hate, but i don't want it to consume her or him, so we will dialogue about things and learn how to handle all of these emotions by responding instead of just reacting. i don't think it is healthy to say, "well it's totally fine if my kids hate people. what's the big deal?" and that's what my original post was responding too....that question.

as for not wanting my child to ever feel hate to the magnitude i have...YES - i hope they *never ever* will. it is not natural to feel that way about another human being. it's horrible.


please don't feel personally attacked, ew!! when i reread the posts, it seems like we all basically agree that children sometimes use "hate" in lieu of more appropriate words to express their emotions and we're all interested in tapping in to those real emotions.

btw, the horrible experience you mentioned with hatred in your own life will probably make you more sympathetic to your kids when helping them deal with their negative emotions. it sucks that you had to go through that but if it's any cosolation it might make you that much stronger in parenting.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
for example, i could seriously NEVER hit my child and still break their spirit with my words alone. isn't that saying something about how we should caution our use in them and teach children this as well???

I think this is a really good point. So often on this board people talk about how words are just words and shouldn't be taken so seriously, but don't we all put a great deal of thought and care into the words we use when addressing our children? We try not to label them, we don't call them names, etc. because we know it could hurt them and we don't want to do that.

I don't see what's so wrong with teaching kids that words *can* hurt people, and if they go around calling people names or telling them they hate them, the other person might feel really bad, and that's not okay (I'm assuming here that they're using the word over something like not sharing, etc., not a truly hateful action).

Sure, there's nothing inherently wrong with the word, but it seems rather logical to me to have a rule about not using that word against people when you really mean that you're angry. My kid's freedom to use language as he pleases stops when his language could hurt someone else. Of course, there's a learning curve that needs to be taken into consideration -- a few slip-ups are expected as he's learning what is and isn't acceptable when interacting with others.

As a side note, my DS is not quite 3, and we were watching a movie the other day in which one of the cartoon characters had a stomach ache and said, "My stomach hates me." My DS thought it was funny and has been saying that since then, and although I admit at first it sounded a little off-putting to hear that word coming out of his little mouth, I don't have a problem with him using it that way. But if he ever told the little girl next door that he hates her because she won't hand over a toy, we'd discuss the power of words and how some words are hurtful, and we'd come up with a more appropriate way for him to tell his friend that he's upset.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

We don't ban any words in our home but due to our extensive modeling of kindness and love (though of course we are not perfect!) and our core belief that all beings are born into this world as loving beings, I don't expect our daughter to be spouting racist or homophobic slander, or hateful words except perhaps as experimentation to gauge our reaction or to inquire about their meaning (or in an attempt to express a strong emotion she may not have words for). We trust that our daughter is a loving being who feels good when she is loved and is acting lovingly so I honestly don't expect a free-for-all of hatred just because we don't ban words.

Banning words really creeps me out to be honest. Of course, we will discuss the implications of words, the power of words, educate and inform her in a loving and open environment about how certain words (generally) affect people -- brainstorm ways she can feel heard and validated and feel she is effectively communicating her strong emotions while still being mindful of how that expression may affect someone else.

That having been said though, we don't ban words. If she said she hated something, of course there would be a discussion about it (as some pps touched on) -- if she said she hated a person, that would be explored -- because I do believe expressions of hatred of other people have a deeper meaning (as pps mentioned) relating to being fearful/angry/upset/hurt by someone's actions or beliefs...

I am curious as to how the pps who said they *don't allow* the word hate or for their children to even FEEL hated are monitoring their children's thoughts or even words?

Our goal is not control, but understanding and coming together to create solutions that are mutually agreeable to everyone in our family while still honoring the comfort level and moral code of each individual.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

The peas, though, the peas don't give a f**ck if you hate them. So why would I care if you say that!


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
I am curious as to how the pps who said they *don't allow* the word hate or for their children to even FEEL hated are monitoring their children's thoughts or even words?


honestly...if your question is for me in any shape or form, i'm not even going to answer you, you obviously never read all of my posts, and it's completely a waste of my time to keep typing the same thing over and over and over

{seacrest out}


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 

Our goal is not control, but understanding and coming together to create solutions that are mutually agreeable to everyone in our family while still honoring the comfort level and moral code of each individual.

Just because one sets boundaries doesn't mean their goal is control. I think it's noble to do the whole "mutually agreeable to everyone in our family" consenual living thing. It intrigues me but it's not for me. My child is just that, a child, and while I don't think he is ill willed, he does not have the life experience to always know what is best for him so I parent him. I don't think that it's oppressive - I think it's my job.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I set boundaries but that is the difference... I set boundaries for _myself_ and advocate for myself that those boundaries are honored. One of the greatest lessons I could ever empart to my child (imo) is the ability to set her own personal boundaries and help her learn to enforce said boundaries while honoring the boundaries of others.

Are you suggesting that because we live consensually that we don't "parent" dd? If you are using the world "parent" interchangably with the word "control" I suppose we don't "parent" like your family


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
I usually provide some sort of expansion when my 4 y/o says he "hates" something, both to validate what he's feeling and also to provide him with other ways of expressing what he feels. Stuff like "you sound very angry" or "it really, REALLY bothers you when your brother does that," or "it's frustrating when the pieces don't fit together the way you want them to."

This is what I do, too. Personally, I think "hate" is too often used to express feelings that aren't actually hate. I'd prefer my son be more in touch with his feelings. I also feel like words with such intense power shouldn't be used lightly. I don't *ban* it, but I do try to get to the bottom of the comment and give him other, more meaningful ways of expressing things. But, hey, if it turns out that he actually does hate something, then so be it.









The only word I've banned in my house is "stupid" (in relation to both people and objects). It just came to that. It's a major trigger word for me and I feel like it serves no purpose except to denigrate. There are also 10 million and one less offensive and more productive ways to say it.


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## moonyoungi (Jul 3, 2007)

...
i agree it was an exaggerated example, but you asked, why is it wrong to let a child hate someone? hate can grow into many things. and let me ask you, how is it beneficial to teach a child it is okay to hate someone? People can do wrong things to me all day long, but only I can control my reactions and feelings. I was abused by my uncle as a child and I have every reason to feel justified in hating him....but it is NOT beneficial to me at all and I have worked very hard to let that go. Hate is like cancer to the soul imo.

Love is not unhealthy. People do thing in the name of love that have nothing to do with love. People do things out of hatred because they hate.
...

I agree with what eliza said...although...learning that hating someone isn't beneficial to your spiritual growth comes little later in your life. I think 7 or 8 is little too young to understand that. I started to realize that hating someone was holding ME back and making ME rehash negative emotions in me throughout my life. It wasn't fun and it wasn't helpful to me. I let it go, and it feels better that way. And when I say hate, I don't mean like I disliked or I was angry....I mean I hated someone like I wanted to go find that someone and kill him and mutilate his body kind of hate.....
Although I wouln't "ban" the word in my household, we would definitely talk about what someone is actually feeling when they say, "hate."
Words are powerful and they do work into your subconsiousness...


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## moonyoungi (Jul 3, 2007)

I think most of us are saying the same thing...just coming from different perspective. There is varied definition of word, "hate," and varied emotions, feelings and intentions behind it as well.

For example, when people say they hate peas, they would mean they dislike the taste, right??(or maybe they do hate peas, like they want to destroy all the pea farms....but I wouldn't know)
And that's obviously different from hating someone to the guts like it poisons you every time you think about them.
semantics semantics...


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
I set boundaries but that is the difference... I set boundaries for _myself_ and advocate for myself that those boundaries are honored. One of the greatest lessons I could ever empart to my child (imo) is the ability to set her own personal boundaries and help her learn to enforce said boundaries while honoring the boundaries of others.

What does that even mean? Sorry, I don't follow in terms of boundaries v control. So you set boundaries for yourself and by example your dc will learn to do the same?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Are you suggesting that because we live consensually that we don't "parent" dd? If you are using the world "parent" interchangably with the word "control" I suppose we don't "parent" like your family









No I wasn't saying that at all and I hope I am mistaken when I say I think your tone was snide. I said that I didn't think setting boundaries = control. I meant parent in the sense that SOMEONE does have to be "in charge". Whether you like that word or not. We all love our kids and want them to feel validated. But the truth is we will not know whether or not we have been successful for a while. So the "I'm right and you're wrong and unenlightened" tone I often read on this board is pointless. I wish everyone would view it more as information sharing rather than an trying to rip people apart.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

My apologies for the perceived snide tone -- but I am having trouble understanding... why does someone have to be "in charge" ... no one is "in charge" in our home... we all get our needs met and *most* of our wants if humanly possible (I can't for example, set up a mutually agreeable solution where our daughter gets to go to the moon right now







but I can help create a fantasy or imaginative situation to help get that desire met)...

Quote:

What does that even mean? Sorry, I don't follow in terms of boundaries v control. So you set boundaries for yourself and by example your dc will learn to do the same?

Yes, personal boundaries are different than setting boundaries _for_ someone else. Yes, many boundaries are collectively held and agreed upon (such as most people don't consent to being hit) which is what I tell dd... but almost always, I inform her of _my_ personal boundaries in any given situation --

With regard to the conversation at hand, I wouldn't place value judgments on the word "hate". I would tell her _I_ don't like the word hate and _I_ don't feel positively toward someone who says they hate me. I would tell her I don't like being spoken to in that way and ask that she express herself to me in a way where we can both be heard and validated (of course, modifying language for where she is in her development) ...

(she has never used the word hate but then she is only two, though extremely verbal)

However, I would never say to her "we don't use that term" or "we don't do this or that" -- I would tell her what I do or don't do... or do or don't like, and explain to her how most people *generally* feel about that term and how *many* people *may* feel when confronted with it...

Similarly, if she chose to ignore all that (doubtful, as she trusts my counsel but it could happen) and say "I DON'T CARE... I HATE YOU!!!!!" (after all the discussion above) I would tell her I love her but choose not to converse with people who speak to me in that manner -- I wouldn't ignore or shame or isolate her, but I would let her know that one of my boundaries is that I believe I deserve to be spoken to respectfully. I would tell her she has a right to her feelings but I have a right to live peacefully -- maybe she can create a story about a mean mama who she hates







Maybe she can draw a picture of what hate looks like to her









I don't give my daughter an occasion to hate me so I feel pretty safe about it









If she "hates" other people, she will soon learn (if she chooses not to follow my counsel or information) that people don't want to be around people who hate them and then a natural consequence will present itself (mama told me this may happen but I wanted to try it out for myself and now Johnny won't play with me, and I don't like that.. let me brainstorm ways with mama or daddy about how to rectify that) ...

It is more an organic process that way in my opinion rather than just "we don't hate people around here" or "don't say that word" type parenting which I don't adhere to.


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
My apologies for the perceived snide tone -- but I am having trouble understanding... why does someone have to be "in charge" ... no one is "in charge" in our home... we all get our needs met and *most* of our wants if humanly possible (I can't for example, set up a mutually agreeable solution where our daughter gets to go to the moon right now







but I can help create a fantasy or imaginative situation to help get that desire met)...

So you are not "in charge" but you have the final say in what is "mutually agreeable" - seems like semantics to me. But I respect that this works for your family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Yes, personal boundaries are different than setting boundaries _for_ someone else. Yes, many boundaries are collectively held and agreed upon (such as most people don't consent to being hit) which is what I tell dd... but almost always, I inform her of _my_ personal boundaries in any given situation --

With regard to the conversation at hand, I wouldn't place value judgments on the word "hate". I would tell her _I_ don't like the word hate and _I_ don't feel positively toward someone who says they hate me. I would tell her I don't like being spoken to in that way and ask that she express herself to me in a way where we can both be heard and validated (of course, modifying language for where she is in her development) ...

(she has never used the word hate but then she is only two, though extremely verbal)

However, I would never say to her "we don't use that term" or "we don't do this or that" -- I would tell her what I do or don't do... or do or don't like, and explain to her how most people *generally* feel about that term and how *many* people *may* feel when confronted with it...

Similarly, if she chose to ignore all that (doubtful, as she trusts my counsel but it could happen) and say "I DON'T CARE... I HATE YOU!!!!!" (after all the discussion above) I would tell her I love her but choose not to converse with people who speak to me in that manner -- I wouldn't ignore or shame or isolate her, but I would let her know that one of my boundaries is that I believe I deserve to be spoken to respectfully. I would tell her she has a right to her feelings but I have a right to live peacefully -- maybe she can create a story about a mean mama who she hates







Maybe she can draw a picture of what hate looks like to her









I don't give my daughter an occasion to hate me so I feel pretty safe about it









If she "hates" other people, she will soon learn (if she chooses not to follow my counsel or information) that people don't want to be around people who hate them and then a natural consequence will present itself (mama told me this may happen but I wanted to try it out for myself and now Johnny won't play with me, and I don't like that.. let me brainstorm ways with mama or daddy about how to rectify that) ...

It is more an organic process that way in my opinion rather than just "we don't hate people around here" or "don't say that word" type parenting which I don't adhere to.

I have worked with kids my whole life and I feel that this way COULD be confusing to some. Kids like definates and often thrive in an environment of more clear cut expectations. Once at a professional development workshop a presenter was talking about how the most ADD kid could sit and play a video game for hours - it would keep his attention. And in that situation he knew the consequences of his actions - if my guy goes over this cliff I lose a "man" or whatever (can you tell I am not into gaming?







) Anyway, it is just my opinion that if everything is up for negotiation it will take a child that much longer to really learn where the boundaries are.
We actually agree more than we disagree because I am not in the "we don't say" that camp either. I would rather discuss the reasons why ( like you nicely explained with the "but that makes so and so feel.." ) But I will have the final say as the parent in what is and is not acceptable behavior.
I just think there are some things that are not up for negotiation.
But thats just me







I appreciate you taking the time to clarify.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I too think the important thing is to make sure the child understands that it isn't generally ok to "hate" people. It is ok to hate what someone did or said, but to actually hate someone? I find that is and should be pretty rare. I also think in most cases when people hate and even when they don't like a person, they often really don't like what they did or said and should realize that because it is very possible to love someone but hate/dislike something they did or said. I know my husband can really piss me off at times, but I always love him









So I don't think it is something I would forbid, but I would be sure to teach them to use the word appropriately.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

So you are not "in charge" but you have the final say in what is "mutually agreeable" -

See, now that is just ridiculous. I only used an example where a mutually agreeable solution may not be able to be reached -- such as my daughter wanting to GO TO THE MOON... if you are going to take such an extreme example of not being able to provide my child with a way to LITERALLY...go..to..the..MOON... as me controlling what is mutually agreeable, then there is really nothing left to say.

However you want to handle things in your home (with sole respect to the word hate in this discussion) is your business, but it seem quite out of this world (pardon the pun) to suggest that I control my child because I can't literally take her, at this time, TO THE MOON.

Sheesh...









Oh and we disagree on one other thing. I don't think my words or actions or my child's "make" anyone feel a certain way. I think people can choose how to feel in *almost* any given circumstance.


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
See, now that is just ridiculous. I only used an example where a mutually agreeable solution may not be able to be reached -- such as my daughter wanting to GO TO THE MOON... if you are going to take such an extreme example of not being able to provide my child with a way to LITERALLY...go..to..the..MOON... as me controlling what is mutually agreeable, then there is really nothing left to say.

You are totally misunderstanding me. I wasn't referring *at all* to your example. I was talking more about CL in general. Maybe I should have quoted your post differently. I was saying that although you don't call it "in charge" you DO in fact have the final say in what is "mutually agreeable" no?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
However you want to handle things in your home (with sole respect to the word hate in this discussion) is your business, but it seem quite out of this world (pardon the pun) to suggest that I control my child because I can't literally take her, at this time, TO THE MOON.


I never started using the word "control" until you said control and boundaries were equivocal and were snide about me saying that it's my job to parent (you said parent = control). So yeah sheesh...







I don't really know where you got that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Oh and we disagree on one other thing. I don't think my words or actions or my child's "make" anyone feel a certain way. I think people can choose how to feel in *almost* any given circumstance.

What made you think that we disagree there?


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abac* 
My ds can say whatever he wants. If I think his words are having a negative impact, I discuss it with him.

We don't censor speech in our home. My 6 year old son just seems to know what is appropriate for other people to hear outside the house. I'm thankful for that since he goes to public school and some things can be a "problem" with them at school. Like the time he corrected a little girl when she said the baby came out of her mom's tummy and he said "for the most part babies come from vaginas but if your mom has a cut on her stomach then the baby came from there." His teacher said she tried to head off the conversation but I told her not to do that to him. It was wrong to do so.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

My kids are *only* allowed to say hate if it's about Walmart or War. Those are our rules. They can use other terms for anger and dislike, but hate is reserved for more philosophical reasons.


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## mackysmama (Jan 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dnw826* 
My kids are *only* allowed to say hate if it's about Walmart or War.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
have you ever heard of hate crime? people literally hate others for their sexual preference, color of their skin, religion, and the list literally NEVER ends. WHY would you teach a child it is acceptable to hate anyone? seriously, i am blown away.

I am with you on how awful hate crime is. But we differ in that a child (or adult) hating peas or hating hot weather or hating having blood drawn - or even hating her sister at the moment is her true and honest feeling at that moment. I am ok with that being expressed, and we discuss it.

My mom would go nuts if I said I hated my sister. "No you don't!!! You love her!!! She is your SISTER!!!" Um, ok, now I hate her even more because you aren't hearing how angry I am. I will just sit here and hate her silently, and stew in the anger - instead of it diffusing if she'd said what I tell my kids - "wow, sounds like you are really mad!! What happened?"

She was a really great mom, but hate was a trigger word for her. Which I understand as I have my own trigger words (we don't say fat or stupid at my house). Difference being that those are insults. Hate is an emotion.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Dp's mom doesn't allow lots of words because her religious belief is that they have power. So, one cannot refer to the low spot in the trunk where the tire sits as a "depression" because one cannot say the word depression, lest one become depressed. One cannot say one "loves" a thing or activity because love is only for people and God. One cannot say "hate." One cannot say something or someone is "perfect" because only God is perfect.

Oh, that would make me absolutely







: I would seriously have a hard time censoring myself that much for too long.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
*Wow, are you seriously equating "hating" something or someone, with hating someone just because of their sexual preference/color of skin/religion/etc?*

yes, i seriously am. i'm not using the word "hate" out of context at all. that is hate.

Well, you can hate someone because they killed your brother. That is different than hating someone because they are gay. First is justified, and for a specific reason about a specific person (though still damaging to you to carry around that hate). Second is about an entire group of people, and is just plain wrong. The root of hating the murderer isn't racist or homophobic; the root of it is that he took away someone very precious to you.

Quote:

Hate is like cancer to the soul imo.
I agree with you. I heard that carrying hate for someone is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. It is so true.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
Saying to me 'I hate my cousin" to me, not in hearing range of cousin, is experssing your feelings only. That is fine.

Saying TO the cousin "I hate you" is allowing your feelings to hurt someone else.

YOu are allowed in my home to express whatever feelings you have. I do expect though that you are not deliberately unkind to others and that includes saying mean things to them.

Exactly the same here.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Kirsten, I also stated this:

*I can think of many people that I strongly dislike (you might even say hate! gasp) and it has absolutely nothing to do with any of those things.*

*Of course you can hate someone and it not be tied at all to being a racist or homophobic, or fill in the blank ....but is the root of your emotion (not the reason) all that different?*

regarding your previous quote from me , the above quote which you omitted was my only point. even if i hate someone who murdered my brother -- it's no more beneficial to holding onto that than a person who holds onto hatred for a gay person. either way it is poisonous. i never equated hate to things - i only ever addressed hate toward people. if you take excerpts from what i say, but don't look at all of my posts - it can easily be misunderstood. please just read all of my posts here....if you still disagree - so be it. i'm not bothered by it at all. but i have shared my opinions, and have read everyone elses & i assume we are all saying the same underlying thing. this thread is now more af an argument between people that sounds a lot like this to me


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

We just went over to our 90 y.o. neighbor's house tonight and my dd said, "I hate Rocky!" She was referring to my IL's dog. I was kind of embarrassed, but not sure what to say. I told her that hurts Rocky's feelings, except that's kind of lame to say since I'm sure it doesn't actually hurt his feelings.

My niece's daycare provider has the kids say "I don't care for..." instead of "I hate..." I need to teach that one to dd. I remember my niece correcting her uncle when he said "That stinks!" My niece told him to say, "I don't care for the smell of that."


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Yes, but then my kids can say the F word too so I am not sure how much that helps you.

If they were saying _"I hate you xyz person!"_ I might share that it could be hurtful to hear those words, and maybe help them explore their anger and/or another way to share what they are feeling.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Yes, but then my kids can say the F word too so I am not sure how much that helps you.

If they were saying _"I hate you xyz person!"_ I might share that it could be hurtful to hear those words, and maybe help them explore their anger and/or another way to share what they are feeling.

Yes, this is us, too.

I use the word "hate" all the time. Just in a casual, not-intense-hatred kind of way. I just like it.

But, I have also chosen to make an effort to not carrry resentment, anger, and "true" hatred in my life. Because for me, it is corrosive.

But I can't make that decision for my kids. Maybe anger and hate don't affect them the same way. Maybe what they feel as "hate" isn't the same as how I experience "hate."

And maybe, like me, they will need to go through a period of time where they try on "hate" and "bitterness" for size and realize that it is causing them enough discomfort to try to rid themselves of them.

Who knows?

But I don't think any of that happens--or not--by telling my kids that they can't say the word "hate." I find that dictating words like that can be very easily construed as shutting down the expression of feelings (like a pp mentioned about, "GASP! Of course you don't HATE your sister!") or even as shaming for kids who wonder, "Well, I think I DO feel hate. What's wrong with me for feeling that?!"

I've sort of trained myself to hear my kids' use of "hate" as "I'm really, really angry." And so I try to reflect that back to them in the moment.


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## golfmom1233 (Aug 2, 2007)

Itll happen


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## Fletchersmama (May 23, 2003)

well, this subject is bringing quite a few strong thoughts and emotions - still I would like to add my opinion - which is not really tied to strong emotions as far as the word hate goes:

We don't ban words in our house. It does not make sense to me. I believe our world problems with HATE have nothing whatsoever to do with the actual word. It is a learned/taught behavior that grows with ignorance.

We also use Non-Violent Communication, we talk about our feelings and take responsibility for them. My son has at times or great frustration told me he hates me. (I also was surprised to find this does not hurt my feelings - it is just a word conveying a message.) We talk, we get to the root of the problem - why he is angry/frustrated/sad and deal with it. I don't let that word become the problem or the focus. There is a real reason behind using this WORD - that is the important part. If we focus on the WORD we loose sight of what is really going on.

I believe as parents it is our responsibility to raise our own children's awareness of the beauty and wonder and sanctity of life. We need to raise them up to be a better generation who communicate for the better of everyone. We should not continue the cycle of being stuck by words and actions that lead to fear.

Just my opinion, not a judgment of others!


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

We use other words for common dislikes - "i don't care for red grape juice, i want white instead please", "i don't like Damien today, he wasn't nice to me", that sort of thing. We reserve "hate" for serious stuff, which honestly we never really encounter. I like this, b/c it helps my oldest find gentler words to express his anger, and if he does need strong, serious words, he can use them. Sort of like saving the big guns for the big deals.


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## littlelentils (Feb 15, 2007)

growing up, we weren't allowed to say "bad words" as well as the word "hate." we weren't really punished if we did but of 5 the kids in the fam, i think it was rarely ever said. in my opinion, it made me look at the impact of my words at such a young age and think at a deeper level than most of my peers.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:

Do you let your kids say, "hate"?
Depends on the context. "I hate vegetables"? Sure. "I hate my sister"? Nope. "I hate how she treats me", "I hate how she changes channels", I hate how she won't let me..." are okay. "I hate HER"? Not. They are both old enough to find alternate ways of expressing their anger. Because the fact is - they DON'T hate one another.

But then.... I don't let them say "shut up", either.


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

There were so many words I wasn't allowed to say when growing up that I swore that I would never censor my children. *Hate* was one of those words. The thing is my mother never gave me a reason why I couldn't say it. Her answer was always, "Because I said so."









I don't really use the word. I don't think I've ever used it around my dd (who is 4). It has come up. She asked me what it meant about a month ago. She asked me what it meant and I asked her where she heard it and what the context was. She told me that her teacher said, "I hate peas." Before I could tell her what it meant, she told ME that it means you don't like something.

I told her that she was right, but that HATE is a stronger way to say that you don't like something. Not sure if she understood, but as she picked the cheese off her pizza, she said, "I...don't like cheesy things," with a sly grin.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
There were so many words I wasn't allowed to say when growing up that I swore that I would never censor my children. *Hate* was one of those words. The thing is my mother never gave me a reason why I couldn't say it. Her answer was always, "Because I said so."









Lame response from Mom, IMO. I've told mine that it's a very strong word, and one that can be very hurtful to people. So we need to be careful how we use it in reference to others.
Because generally we may be angry at people, but it's their actions we hate - not them. And some words, once they're said to someone, can be hard to take back.


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## srbushey (Sep 27, 2006)

I applaud those who recognize that when a little person tries out the word hate, he/she doesn't understand what it really means, or that there are much better words to describe strong feelings.

I haven't read everything here but I think it's like anything else that's new for them and they need a patient adult to sit them down and say "Really? Tell me why you feel that way?"

Then, once you've diagnosed the underlying situation, you can say, "Hate is a very strong word and it hurts people. Maybe next time ____ happens, you can say 'When you say/do ____, I feel [hurt, angry, sad, etc.]; because [situation] seems like ____ to me.' Then they can have a chance to understand you and make things right. Isn't that what you really want?" and teach them people skills they can use productively for the rest of their lives.

And most importantly you won't roadblock their learning to express their true feelings by simply banning that word "Hate".


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

Quote:

Lame response from Mom, IMO.
I was also not allowed to whistle. Apparently whistling was only for boys. Wanna know why? "Because I said so."


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