# I think it's worse to feel forgotten and alone, than hear inappropriate replies...



## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello. I just lost my baby thru m/c almost 3 weeks ago now. It's amazing the reactions of others. I don't regret telling anyone about my pregnancy. Most people have been supportive...usually strangers though: women on the message boards, in conversation with the librarian while looking for m/c books, etc.

I have a friend who is pregnant and I told her about our m/c, and I haven't heard from her since. Nor have we had a "hi, just wondering how you guys were" phone call from my sister-in-law, or my mother-in-law or other "close" friends. This feels worse to me than people who say "weird and awkward" things. I feel as if they forgotten about us. Do they not know how painful this is?

I'm trying not to judge and I know people don't know what to say, but a simple card or e-mail to say "I'm thinking about you" would be nice. I know this is my anger speaking out. The people that you thought would be most supportive haven't been, at least that is our experience. Thanks for listening. Do others feel the same way?

Big hugs to all of us. Abylite xo


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

dear abylite

lots of people really don't know how painful it is, if they are important to you I would take the trouble to inform them, if you can muster the energy

similarly lots of people say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing - I know you just want hear some response, but they are out there worrying that they will make it worse by saying something daft

this sounds like excuses but I know people feel like this

re your pregnant friend - she is in an especially tough spot, most likely feeling terribly guilty because you lost your baby and she is pregnant. Once again, if she is important to you, this experience could actually bring you closer, but someone has to make the effort and maybe you don't feel up to it

when I had my first m/c a close friend was pregnant also and our due dates were very close. After I lost my baby she had to think hard for a while but after a few months sent me a wonderful letter (we lived in different cities) outlining all her feelings - guilt b/c she was still pregnant, sorrow for me and dh, confusion over how to be happy for her own situation but still respectful of our loss, but mostly her desire for the whole thing to be clear between us - I treasure this letter 12+ years later. I hope your friend can find some way to reconnect with you, or you with her - maybe a third party, a friend to you both, could help?

getting the support you need can be quite hard, thank goodness for MDC


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Yeah, people say some of the stupidest things. And it's very hurtful, wether intentional or not.

I think some of that is just representative of the 'detachment' we see in society from pregnancy and babies, some people may think that since you were'nt all that far along (or perhaps since there was only a sac from a blighted ovum) that you had'nt gotten attached yet, so you should'nt be upset. When in actuality, you are really hurting because you had so many hopes and dreams for this child, which have been taken away by something beyond your control.

Also, many people have issues about loss, especially some women who have themselves miscarried or had a stillbirth. To acknowledge your pain makes then revisit their own loss, which they may have been in denial about, so they avoid the subject.

I agree with what Emmaline said about your pregnant friend. That must be so painful for you and I hope she overcomes her issues and makes right on your relationship as Emmaline's friend did.

But as grateful as I am for MDC being here for me, I wish as well that more of the people in my life would have handled our loss with more grace.

XM


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

It is a really hard thing for people to react to, it isn't something that people have a lot of good information about and a lot of women are discouraged from talking about it around their family members..

So when something like it does happen people are just floored and competely in the dark about what to say..

There should be a book about "what to say when..." for all those times they are surprised by something and often say the wrong thing...

I am sure your friend hasn't forgotten about you, she is probably just concerned that her presence may cause you pain right now..


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I agree, Abylite! I would so much rather that people try to say something, even if it comes out sounding lame. I am still having encounters when I see people for the first time after my son's stillbirth (at 38 weeks, so I had been plenty pregnant!), when people don't say anything about it. My initial thought is, "Oh, they don't know." But then I realize that if they didn't know, they would be commenting on the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore and that I must have had my baby. So obviously, they're not saying anything because they're so uncomfortable. And I hate it. I want my baby's loss to be acknowledged!

Something I've noticed about stupid comments is that they were so much worse after my early losses than after my stillborn son. I think that goes along with what XM is saying about the detachment in our society from pregnancy. After my early losses (a miscarriage at ten weeks, an ectopic pregnancy at five), I had plenty of comments like, "You can always get pregnant again." Not one person has dared say that to me now, so I think that shows that when the loss is early, it's easier for others to discount it. They don't comprehend how deep and real the grief is.

Could you get ahold of a handout that lists helpful/not-helpful things to say to a couple that's had a miscarriage? I got one from a local support group called Sharing Parents. You could give copies to the people close to you, to help them get through their discomfort.

I also want to recommend the book, "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John James. It discusses the myths our society has about grief, and it has been so helpful for me to read. I can see that so many of people's dumb comments are an effort to get me to "feel better" because most people view sad feelings as bad. They are an effort to get me to shut up and "move on" because the listener can't deal with the reality of grief.

I think it's very true that many women have their own buried grief about pregnancy loss and stillbirth. My husband's family doesn't talk about my son, Kevin. I finally remembered that when my MIL was a girl, her mom had a stillborn baby boy. Seeing how grief-stricken my own daughter is to have lost her brother, I asked my MIL about her experience. She doesn't know for sure how old she was when her brother died (she thinks she was four or seven), and it was never talked about. No wonder she's uncomfortable talking about my baby. She was never allowed to grieve for her brother.

Another thought for you, Abylite, is to perhaps contact your pregnant friend. She may be waiting for you to take the first step, because she doesn't know if you want to talk to her. It's also possible that she's completely ignorant of how she's coming across. That happened with one of my sisters-in-law. I finally called her and told her how hurt I was and that I missed her support. She was completely bewildered, because she had perceived herself to be supportive. To her credit, she handled the conversation very gracefully and has made a noticeable effort to have more contact with me. I don't know if you would be comfortable having such a conversation with your in-laws who have been so silent. Are they normally supportive people?

More than anything, I'm just so sorry that you haven't received the support you need from the people around you. Losing your baby is so incredibly hard, and you need that love and support.

Wishing you love and comfort,
Katherine


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

There aren't a lot of people who even know about Sweetpea. We hadn't had a chance to tell. We were going to tell our parents at Thanksgiving and extended family on Christmas. I have some friends that know and some people I told after the fact.

My friend Krista had a hard time getting pg. She had IVF twice before she carried and out of 3 babies the last time she only has one. Her dh basically had a natural vasectomy (his vas deferens went nowhere) Sorry, now the point...she is due 2 days after Sweetpea. She knows about her. I ask her everytime I see her how she is doing and everytime she asks me. It' hard for me to think of her still being pg and me not but its nice that she wants to know how I am.

I have another friend who had a baby a week ago and she is always asking if i'm doing ok and if af has shown up etc...

But my mother has never mentioned it. She doens't even like me to talk about it. That is hard......

I guess people think if they don't bring it up we'll forget about it or that if they bring it up we'll break down into tears (which may indeed happen







) I think they think they're doing us a favor......

And i believe in some cases some people don't see an early loss as something that "counts". I guess they think that because we didn't see our babe, or feel them, or even get into maternity clothes that somehow our loss isn't as great as someone who bears a stillborn child or looses one to SIDS. I'm not saying that our losses are equal. I think they are different "types" of losses. And different types of losses have different feelings and different responses.

Does that make sense at all?

Megan

Megan


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I know how you feel, the only friends who knew we were pregnant don't bring it up (at least anymore) I think part of that is they are afraid they will "reopen" any wounds, which we know it's true but still. Most people who haven't been through a miscarriage don't know how to handle it and don't realize how upsetting it is. I know I was one of those people before I miscarried. I understood that people would be sad but didn't realize how much it has affected me.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

In an awful coincidence, my two closest friends both hadn't paid thier phone bills when I found out my baby was dead, and so I couldn't call either of them. I emailed one, who told the other, and they mutually agreed "to give me a few days to myself". I felt completely abandoned- no way to talk to them, no response to my email, and not a word for four days. And then I got, "are you okay" with the silent undertone of "please don't start crying". It has hurt friendships that have lasted for ten years, that they wouldn't call me, and even now try to change the subject when I bring it up.
You're right, I can deal with "weird and awkward" as long as it's not mean-spirited, but being ignored makes it so much harder, (and makes me feel more defective, which is another problem I'm having right now).


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