# Why no, its not fair of you to ask me to spend a week with my neice three weeks older than Fiona would be.



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Ugh. This extra sucks because its about Matt's dad (who I've never had an issue with).

They rented a house for the last week in July. We planned to go, after figuring out that Matt's brother and family was not going (their daughter is 3 weeks older than Fiona would be).

Several weeks later that changed. They are coming. I thought about it a lot, and told Matt that no just taking a few day trips was not enough of a break, this was my vacation too, and I simply couldn't deal with spending an entire week living with a wee one so close to Fiona's age, who looks so much like Fiona too.

The IL's knew we weren't going the entire time. They knew why.

Today at 7am Matt's dad calls to say he's thinking of just canceling the whole trip and going to see BIL on the East Coast instead after Matt's other brother said he wasn't going. And Matt's sister lost her job, so I guess she's not going?

So Matt says he'll talk to me, maybe with me being pregnant it'll change how I feel, and call him back.

I explained to Matt that I didn't want to be guaranteeing that I'd spend a week there, and how hard it was going to be (its hard for me to stand in line at a grocery store with a mom with a baby girl close to Fiona's age or younger). I told him I shouldn't be put in a position to be in deep grieving because of the beautiful baby reminder all week *for my vacation* and stuck there because leaving would make *someone else* upset. Certainly I'm not going to avoid his brother's family forever, I mean I did say I would be willing to go for a few days and if I was feeling ok we could even stay longer. But its only been 6 months. And its not like they came to town and we see them in the daytime and they go back to their hotel. We're going to be LIVING with them. Sharing bathrooms. Making dinner together. Hearing the little one if she wakes and cries in the middle of the night. Watching them care for her 24 hours a day.

Once I explained to him that this burden shouldn't be on my shoulders he got it and agreed. He'll be calling and speaking to his dad later on today about it.

My needs as a grieving mother are not going to be put on the back burner. I will not be guilted into agreeing to do more than I think I can tolerate. Especially grieving around his family (his mom tells me I should feel sad since Fiona is in heaven and I shouldn't feel lonely because God is with us everywhere). And I'm really angry that Matt's dad would call *us* after *other people* back out of plans thinking about canceling unless he can change my mind about going for the full time.

We had even told them we might go camping part of the time (since we'll be near yosemite) and his dad said "Should Lisa be going CAMPING while PREGNANT?". Um, I went camping pregnant with Fiona. For Pete's sake, I *got* pregnant camping (interestingly enough since we didn't bd while camping... not since the 2nd, and I ovulated on the 6th...)!

This is all being laid in my lap, but I'm refusing to be guilted into anything. I'm not responsible for other peoples happiness, or what other people choose to do. Certainly it sucks that other family members are backing out, but its not my responsibility to make it better by sucking it up.

And seriously, canceling now? He wouldn't get his $$ back from renting the cabin. BIL's family has I'm sure already bought plane tickets from the east coast to California.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:

My needs as a grieving mother are not going to be put on the back burner. I will not be guilted into agreeing to do more than I think I can tolerate.
Good for you!!!!! It's so great that you can draw those boundaries and take care of yourself. I still do way more than I'm ready for, I find... I need to bottle some of your self-care skills!


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh these self-care skills are hard for me, I'm usually so passive and find I get walked on a lot. But I've decided that I'm not going to tolerate it. I've been taking steps to be assertive (or at least try), and I have also gotten my husband on my side to speak to his mother when she gets to be too much/too intrusive.

If I don't take care of myself, no one else is going to. If I don't take care of myself, I'm not going to be able to take care of my family.

But it is hard. My natural inclination is to just go with the flow. I have to think for a minute and realize that no I don't have to just be a doormat.

This is good practice I suppose, huh?


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
My needs as a grieving mother are not going to be put on the back burner. I will not be guilted into agreeing to do more than I think I can tolerate. Especially grieving around his family (his mom tells me I should feel sad since Fiona is in heaven and I shouldn't feel lonely because God is with us everywhere).

you don't need this. i was groaning reading your post, imagining how miserable you would be if you went. seriously, why would someone second-guess your decision to go camping... and telling you that you shouldn't feel sad???

i completely support you in caring for yourself in this way.

just last week, dh's grandmother suggested that I (who was still recovering from the c-section, nevermind matthew's death) could possibly do a favor for another family member by dropping their son off in a neighboring town for her. i was furious that people would expect so much from me and i said a vehement NO. i felt really empowered that i stood up for myself in the face of dh's family and i hope you will feel the same too. (((hugs)))


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Good for you Christie! I'm so sorry to hear about Matthew.







Just when we need the support of our families the most they seem to be completely clueless. My MIL was supposed to watch my daycare for 2 weeks after Fiona was born. Fiona was born on the 6th a saturday, on the 8th a tuesday, she left me with the daycare children to go to a lunch. On thursday that same week she was gone half the day. By midweek the next week I just told her to leave because it was too much to have her being upset about being there. I'm very glad I didn't let her talk me into being open the week of christmas and new years (because as she said, *she* could cover for me).


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

that is terrible! just days after you lost your baby, that's unbelievable.

you know, i know that we all say, 'oh, people just don't know what to say, what to do," but i don't want to give them that pass. i just want to be angry at them!


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Yes I hear you there! Sometimes I get that people are just being uncomfortable. And sometimes like now, I know people are just not thinking about me and my needs. And if there is one time in the world where I can be selfish about my needs, or at least stick up for myself to make sure my needs are met, this is certainly the time.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Don't do anything that you don't feel ready for! I'm glad you're sticking to your guns on this! I have a niece that gave birth one 3 weeks after Dresden was born. She moved to Las vegas a few years ago, and I'm SO glad! Not because I don't love her and her baby girl.. but because I don't have to see a baby at EVERY family function who is so close to Dresden's age. Now 10 months out, I'm feeling more ready for things like this.. I still don't think I'd want to 'live' with a baby for any amount of time.. nice to visit for a bit, then go on our way, so I can just BE with my family. This grieving stuff is hard work.. and it takes time.









Also, I'm 29 weeks pregnant now, and just went camping last week! hehe So, yeah.. camping while pregnant is perfectly fine!


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Yeah the camping thing just strikes me as grasping at straws really.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

I let them walk on me once. When they sent the sister in law I HATE to the funeral as the family representative. She has in the past called me names, terrorized my other children with her mongrels, is drunk and inappropriate all the time, ALWAYS makes a scene. My dh said he couldn't tell his sister she couldn't come. I promised him that if his brother (who came with her) didn't keep her on a tight leash and away from me he would lose his wife because I had enough rage inside at that moment to literally murder her. It honestly felt like she was gloating the whole time. From that moment I decided no one told me who to be with, how to be, what to do, until I felt my grieving had been completed - however many years that took.

Just as an aside, two years after that an uncle died and my dh went to the funeral (I did not go as I was pregnant and sick). Sister got stupid drunk and went off my husband about what a B**** I was and how our daughter's death was no big deal because we didn't know her anyway. He disowned her that day and now I never have to see her again! The only good side. The bad side was that his whole family thought he should just "get over it" (her comments). Not to hijack your thread, but I totally get that. The guilt trips over the fall out on that were outrageous.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Sheesh, reading these stories just makes me crazy. My family is no different. Families really suck sometimes!


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I think it is great that you stuck up for yourself!







What are people thinking? Being stuck in a cabin 24/7 with a baby the same age as your dd, can you say torture? People just live in their own bubble worlds, sheesh.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

*


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm glad you were able to draw some boundaries and take care of your needs.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Now I'm not even sure I want to go at all, and my husband is supportive thankfully. Going after now miscarrying on top of everything?! *And* they are going to come two days before vacation and stay at my IL's (5 minutes away) and stay another 2 days after. I need Dh to talk to BIL though, because MIL said he said "We don't want to be upset about going." and I need to know what he was talking about. I don't want them to feel *bad* about going, they did nothing wrong, but I also don't want them to expect me to be happy cheery all the time or I'm making them "upset".... Dh thinks that his mom got his brother's words twisted around, which is quite possible.


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