# Articles on pregnancy loss - why do they always have a "happy ending?"



## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I recently read 3 articles in magazines about women who have either had a miscarriage or stillbirth (one of them is in March? Mothering). Though its great to have my feelings validated and to hear about women who have gone through the same thing, the articles/stories ALWAYS end with the woman having had a successful pregnancy-usually soon after the loss. IMO that either gives some of us false hope because in reality that may never happen, or make the rest of us feel inadequate for not being able to get pregnant again. At least that is for me.

Is it too taboo up overly upsetting to have an article from a woman who had a lost and was never able to have a baby? Why the happy ending? I know its suspired to give hope, but not everyone is able to accomplish that same goal.


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## CurlyTop (Jun 18, 2003)

Just wanted to say I'm sorry, it sounds upsetting to read these articles. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a stillbirth - so I guess the articles are meant to (like you said) acknowledge how you might be feeling. People who have not been there may say silly and ridiculous things that they's know better if it had happened to them.

I did have two m/c's before my spontaneous twins were born. I didn't like hearing about anyone having m/cs or especially not stillbirths while I was pg, I was very scared something bad would happen to my babies. Happy endings were all I could take. Maybe the magazine editors insist on happy endings for people like me?

I wonder if you're a writer- would you consider writing an article and sending it to Mothering or other mags to give the less-happy ending? I'm sure there are people out there like you who'd appreciate knowing it isn't always a fairy tale ending.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

You did bring up a good points: Maybe happy ending are _required_ by the editors. Sometimes the birth of a baby isnt a part of the actual article, but listed after the article has ended; as some sort of an "update". Maybe they can just leave that part out.

I'm sorry for your loses too


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## widdlelou (Feb 28, 2006)

I know what you mean. I could never imagine a stillbirth.. it would beyond thought for me. But I had an early miscarriage and I kind of know what you mean about the happy endings. I just had a miscarriage just last month, and in the back of my head the thought that maybe I can 't concieve again makes me very scared. I do already ahve a baby...so then there would be the well at least you have Reagan. but it does haunt my mind. I know for one friend it took her over a year to get a normal period and wieth the help of meds she is pregnant finally. But then there are people who have bene trying for years and I have two immeidate family members (an uncle and an aunt) both were not able to coniceve and it scares teh day lights otu of me. And they dont' address that... and the happy ending stories make me even mroe scared b/c for me I already feel kind of broken. I'm the only one in the family to ever miscarry on all sides (well not my husband's but mine) evne though there is infertility there isnt' miscarriages and for me I feel like I"m a defect a bit.

I'm so sorry for your loss but I second the thougth that maybe one day you will be in a place that you can write your story for Mothering or something of the like. The what if the happy ending doesn't happen story. I think it could be very healing for many women to read that, b/c you knwo there has to be many women out there with your story.


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## kaspar (Nov 9, 2005)

barose - so sorry for your loss. i don't read arrticles about m/c;;s or stillbirths - i just can't - but i know what you mean. i sometimes feel like i can't talk abouit my feelings or experiences honestly because someone else will find it upsetting - well, sometimes listening to people's happy-ending stories is upsetting to *me* - but that doesn't seem to "count" for some people.

published magazines - even the good ones - have to sell copies, and i guess the publishers think happy endings sell better... i agree with linda though, i think it would be healing and comforting to a lot of women to read your story instead of the fairy tales.

hang in there, and be gentle with yourself.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I know several women who had still births but I never knew about them until recently. One women didn't want to upset me becuase I was having some complications with my pregnancy. Another women, didn't think she should tell me. I think they were trying to spare my feelings. For me though, I would have rather have them share their experience. For me, life is the good and the SAD.

I think as a culture we do not honor the death of a baby like we do other deaths. Often times the overall message people tell us is "you can always have another." WTH?
What if you never really "get over" the loss of your baby? What if the baby you lost is your only child?
I hate when people ask "how many children do you have?" I sometimes say "2 and 1 on the way". Sometimes I say 6....then people look at me all weird becuase you can only see 2 of them. There is a politeness to people that lacks real honesty. Oh, you didn't want to hear that I lost 3 of my children? It makes people uncomfortable.

Sorry about this being so long. I have a friend who lost several children and never had a child stay with her on earth and it seemed like no one "got it." (this doesn't relate to anyone on mothering. everyone here seems to get it.)


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Karen - I think you hit the nail on the head. We do not honor pregnancy losses and even infant loss like we do other deaths. I've heard people tell a woman who lost a baby to SIDS that she can have more!







:

Somehow the happy endings (to me) makes it seems like 'its all going to be better once you can have another baby'.

Thank you for all of your responses.


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## jessicaSAR (Mar 14, 2004)

I completely agree! The whole "happy ending" nonesense is stupid and unrealistic. And it makes me mad too. I have had two losses in the last six months, I am 40 years old, and it is very likely that I may never again have a successful pregnancy. Even if I could figure out what the problem is, I may be too old to get pregnant.

I did have a miscarriage before my first dd was born, and I think I feel better about it because I did have two successful pregnancies following the loss. Those pregnancies did give me some closure on the first loss. But with these recent losses I am worried I will never get that closure. Ending on a successful pregnancy is a gift, and not everyone gets that. And it is an unrealistic picture of the tragedy of pregnancy loss.


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

What I would really like to see are a variety of "happy endings" that don't necessarily all include getting pregnant again: couples adopting a child, for instance, or finding a way to come to terms with their loss without having more children, even if it takes years and years. I know for me personally, in the middle of the infertility journey, it was so healing to talk to couples who had decided to adopt after infertility and/or a miscarriage, or who were still sorting out whether they would have kids at all. It was good to see them living life, even without a biological child or any child at all.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm glad that some stories have happy endings, but those stories aren't the ones I hear about, IME. I can count at least a dozen people off the top of my head who have had a stillbirth (including myself) and then had a subsequent loss. It's not all kittens and roses and once you have a loss you're not somehow immune from another. Maybe my perspective is really skewed, but I totally get what the OP is saying.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessicaSAR*
Ending on a successful pregnancy is a gift, and not everyone gets that.

Amen to that!


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I can completely understand the frustration with the "forced" happy ending. BUt for me, I really needed to hear the happy endings. I was so scared I would never be a mom and every story I read where there was a subsequent baby gave me a glimmer of hope that I would be a mom. I needed to read these stories to know I wasn't alone, but I needed the happy endings too. So I can see both sides of the issue.
Gossamer


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## snugglebutter (Mar 19, 2003)

There is a book called "Life Touches Life" that does not have a subsequent pregnancy. I don't remember much about the book, but the author does talk about not being able to conceive again.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

The book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis covers issues from losing another baby, having another baby and deciding to try again.

I remember too there was a magazine (or organization) about being Child-Free. Some people had to come to that.

I do know one online friend who wasn't able to have another baby but found healing in being with her step-grandbaby.

I am so sorry for your pain.


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## flwers4me (Jun 11, 2007)

i can see both sides of the coin. for me, right now, i need happy endings. i need to believe that after this hell i have been dragged through, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. for me, at this present moment, it would mean getting pregnant again and having a successful birth. If God doesn't bless us with a child or for some reason, it's not in our cards, then i will have to find a way to deal with that if it comes. I think everyone is different. I'm just trying to get through tomorrow and the next without breaking down. hugs to all of you.


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoosierDiaperinMama* 
I'm glad that some stories have happy endings, but those stories aren't the ones I hear about, IME. I can count at least a dozen people off the top of my head who have had a stillbirth (including myself) and then had a subsequent loss. It's not all kittens and roses and once you have a loss you're not somehow immune from another. Maybe my perspective is really skewed, but I totally get what the OP is saying.

Yep, I can really relate to all this. I had a first trimester miscarriage (I accepted that this is pretty common), then a SIDS death (baby was born healthy, died at 6.5 weeks of age), had 1 beautiful healthy daughter, now age 6.5 years, and in April, lost my baby at 7.5 months of pregnancy, I was in the home stretch. What can I say? One loss did not make me immune. Seems like I've had them all.

As for happy stories, it could be a function of the author coming to terms with their loss, and finding peace. And OP, I'm sure that many folks in your exact situation have found some sort of peace. I read a story about a couple who couldn't conceive, adopted twins, and then had a biological child. Have you heard many of these stories? Seems like there is much more happiness and joy, peace and acceptance than we can sometimes comprehend.


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## ladybug13 (Oct 29, 2005)

Unfortunately, readers want those warm fuzzies and writers know that's what they need to put out there. It is difficult when you are in the midst of grief and have not yet gotten to a point where you feel more happiness and hopefulness than sadness and emptiness. Sometimes all we need is to share in someone else's similar stage. I guess that's what is great about message boards. You can walk through it with someone else doing the same thing. I lost my first baby full term in 2002 and for two years, every waking moment was shear agony as I dealt with our loss and suffered from fertility issues getting pregnant again. I didn't want to hear happy endings... I just wanted to not feel so painfully alone anymore.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Again, thank you ladies. I haven't been back to MDC lately...well my sig says it all but I still appreciate your responses and I am very sorry for your losses.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Barose--

How about a different type of happy ending?

I know someone who had 3 miscarriages, the last one resulting in a hysterectomy. Due to medical issues, they never pursued adoption. But they are blessed with nieces and nephews and godchildren, and friends and family have always made sure that this couple have a special place in the lives of their children. It's not what they would have chosen, but they look on this as a blessing they would not have otherwise received.

Or my aunt and uncle who could never conceive. They have a lovely life, lots of friends, travel a lot, have dinner parties. I know they wish they had kids, because once in a while they will say something. But it doesn't consume them. My aunt is back visiting us now, and they will be going to Italy soon.

I don't know if that helps. But I hope it does. I know it helps me to think of them, not knowing how my own story will end.


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