# rewarding one child but not the other



## feest (May 25, 2007)

i know this is not exactly discipline but i just feel like this is where i shoud post idky.

sometimes one of my children will do something amazingly awesome,helpful,thoughtful and i want to reward them in some fashion for their good deeds, but i feel so aweful giving something to one child and not the other, but i feel aweful giving the other something for nothing and his brother who's gone above and beyone looks at him and thinks (wow he did NOTHING and he gets treated)

for example for the past 3 days i ahve been REALLy sick







: really really really sick my 4yr old has come to my aid helping me clean up, getting things for me, playing with his 10mo old brother when i was to sick to move, he even put himslef to bed one night(WOW ey, he got his bed ready, brushed his teeth, went potty, got pj on and then said i didn't have to read him a story that night...i was almost in tears at how thoughtful he was) mean while my my 2.5yr old has taken advantage of my weakness in every way, steeling, hitting his brother, while i was in a state of about to vomit he actually kept hurting me (pulling hair, pinching etc) just cuz i was soo helpless







: i couldn't believe it, i kept telling him to please stop you hurting me etc but he just laughed and kept it up...so now that i'm feeling better i would like to show my gratitude with more then words to my oldest...but no matter what i do my 2yr old is going to feel left out...what do i do??? do i expaline to my 2 yr old that his bother was extra helpful so he gets rewarded? do i treat my oldest behind the youngest back?( i don't think that will work because the first ting my oldest will want to do is tell his brother, and i don't want to make id reward a 'secret' to be hidden) and i also do NOT want to treat them both my son seen how horriable his brother was to mei don;t want him thinking that behavior is something that gets rewarded... idk what exactly to do...any sugestions would be greatly appreciated


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Well, at 2 1/2 I think he was just being 2 1/2. Your 4 yr old sounds like he was really trying to help!

At this point I thnk you say, "We're going for ice cream/special treat because ds! was SOO helpful while mommy was sick. DS1 gets the special honor of picking where it is he wants to go for *insert special thing*.

I treat just my kids when they are incredibly helpful. I just bought my 8 yr old a special Yugi Oh pack of cards last month. I try to do it in such a way so that the 4 yr old and the 7 year old don't see that I've done it. I don't want their behavior to improve with the hope of rewards, but I do want my 8 yr old to know he was appreciated.


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

To be frank, I think people worry too much about things like this.

Your 4yo was exceptionally nice to you. There's nothing wrong with showing gratitude in the way of a special treat. Your 2yo was not nice, and yes....he's 2....but that doesn't mean he automatically deserves a treat just because he can't help his behavior.

If I were in your position, I would take the 4yo out for a mom-and-son date, and share the treat together. You don't have to mention what the treat is....I'm sure your 2yo will ask where you're going if he's used to everyone running errands together. A simple, "DS1 was so helpful and kind to me while I was sick, that I would like to take him somewhere special," should be enough.

You don't have to flaunt it. Just be matter-of-fact. I don't think this teaches kids that they should only be kind to get rewards. I think it can teach kids that when they're kind to someone, they're more likely to receive some extra kindness in return. Call it karma, what-goes-around-comes-around, natural or logical consequences, etc.

I have a pair of cousins who are sisters, and they're about ten years apart. I'm a year younger than the younger one. I remember when my older cousin would have birthday parties, lots of the relatives would bring some small gift for the younger cousin, so she wouldn't feel "left out." That boggled my mind even as a kid....to me, it was logical that you got presents on your own birthday, and that it made the older sister's birthday less special if her younger sister was getting personal gifts, too. A tangent, I know.....


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, you could just tell your four year old thanks. Tell him how much it meant to you to have his help and that you're so glad to be feeling better, and that you think you got better faster because of his help. That will probably help him think of himself as someone who helps others and is kind and compassionate, and is a far better reward than ice cream.

And if you do decide to get him a treat, I just wouldn't even mention it to your ds2. If your ds1 does, I would hope it wouldn't be in a gloating way.

Or, you could think of one helpful thing that the two year old did, something that is helpful for a two year old, and take them both out for ice cream for those things. No need to mention the totally normal two year old behavior of torturing you while you were sick.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

One thing to keep in mind is that your 4 yo was helpful to you because the reward was built in, not because he expected ice cream or a new toy out of it. He did it to feel his place in the family, to feel productive and helpful, because there is joy in giving and caring for another. There probably was a sense of "being grown up" that he was trying on, in this case where the person who normally takes care of all his needs was herself in need. He got to be the caretaker, and that can feel very special. Taking care of you WAS the reward! He got to experience himself as helpful, as needed, as reliable, as gentle, and as useful to the family unit.

Both your children behaved in developmentally appropriate ways... meaning 2 yos can be the most trying when we are the most in need of a break! And even though he wasn't helpful, he did see what his brother modeled, and those things make an impact.

I agree with the PP that you could take your 4 yo out for ice cream, and simply not get into a big discussion with your 2 yo about how it's a reward for behavior. Or you could take them both out, after thinking of something 2-yo-sized that your younger son did that pleased you.

One thing about parenting though is that it's not always going to be equal. It should always be "fair" but that doesn't mean totally even. It means that sometimes your 4 yo will have a need for a hug, when your 2 yo son does not. Giving one a hug, and giving the other space is *fair* under those circumstances.

I would say that neither of your sons needs a reward in this case, however, if you have a need to give one then that's a legit need too. And you can certainly do something special with your 4yo if you are craving some one-on-one time with him. If you are responsive to your children's needs overall, then there will come a time when you will do something for or with your 2 yo and not your 4yo. It all evens out. Not moment to moment, but day by day, it does.


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## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

But........isn't it important that we treat each child individually as is appropriate? So, your example aside, why indeed would we as parents feel obligated to include all the children in everything, all the time? As your kids get older, it's going to happen more and more that child A is in need of something special that child B isn't. We can't deny child A just so child B isn't left out, and we can't always include child B. Just like they might have separate bedtimes, we have to treat them like the separate beings that they are.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
Well, you could just tell your four year old thanks. Tell him how much it meant to you to have his help and that you're so glad to be feeling better, and that you think you got better faster because of his help. That will probably help him think of himself as someone who helps others and is kind and compassionate, and is a far better reward than ice cream.


Yes, exactly. Give him a big hug and a very sincere heartfelt thanks.

To me it cheapens the kindness your son expressed to you to give him ice cream in exchange. Sure, he might like the ice cream in the moment - most of us do - but the long term message of that isn't a particularly good one.

Also, I'm a big believer that we are doing the best we can at the time can at the time given everything that is going on developmentally, emotionally and physically. Are you more deserving of an ice cream treat on the days when you are a super great mom and you were less deserving the days you were sick and couldn't do a lot for your kids? No, the entire idea of evaluating your day to day performance and connecting it to your receipt of ice cream would be just weird wouldn't it?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
Also, I'm a big believer that we are doing the best we can at the time can at the time given everything that is going on developmentally, emotionally and physically.

Great post! We don't do rewards, though we do things like go out for ice cream to celebrate happy things.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *feest* 
sometimes one of my children will do something amazingly awesome,helpful,thoughtful and i want to reward them in some fashion for their good deeds, ...

so now that i'm feeling better i would like to show my gratitude with more then words to my oldest.

I think that you are not understanding how much the heartful gratitude of a parent means to a child. A dish of ice cream is of far less value than knowing one did the right thing and made a difference to the most important person in their life.

Quote:

i also do NOT want to treat them both my son seen how horriable his brother was to mei don;t want him thinking that behavior is something that gets rewarded..
I think that human behavoir is far more complicated that X gets rewarded, so I'll do X, or Y gets punished, so I won't do Y. There's a whole book about this topic, if you are interested -- "Punished by Rewards" by Kohn.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "I'm really grateful for the way you helped me when I was sick. I would like to do something special for you, too. Is there anything you would like to do?" And if he can't think of anything, you might say, "I'd love to go out for ice cream with you. Would you like that?"

As for the 2-year-old, children learn alot by observation and modeling. If he witnesses this interaction between you and his older sibling, all the better - he will see gratitude and respectfulness being modeled.

Perhaps on that day the 2-year-old could do something special with his papa at home while you two have your "date." Not out of punishment to him, but because each child needs his own special time with you, and work to make it as easy as possible for the 2-year-old but still go.


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## violet (Nov 19, 2001)

This is a very interesting post.
In our family, we do celebrate with special outings/treats, we have done rewards (unexpected and infrequent - I don't think that leads directly to a 'token economy' where the kid expects ice cream)
But what has been the most powerful is talking about it and stories. My DD loves to hear stories about herself. You know, "When you were 3 and your brother was only 1 you used to try to hold him on your lap . . . ." How powerful would it be for you to occasionally rememeber and reminisce about this time you had the flu and he was so helpful. This is what family life is about - these moments. They are so powerful. They can't just be for the babybook! Share them with each other. And you gotta think they will reinforce the good behaviors and attributes you are talking about.

We also do "kind words' each night before bed. We go around and each say something we are grateful for about each other person "I'm thankful for DS because she showed she was so patient when she...." The kids don't quite have the hang of it, but it's really brought a kinder feeling to family interactions. We watch for kind moments to recall at bed time. And the kids regularly ask for stories to be told about their "youth" and exploits. And stories are by definition unique to each sibling -- the flu story might be about DS1, but DS2 will be working on some of his own.


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

wow i never even thought of ice cream...


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