# Another two babies gone...



## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

*deep breath* I don't know how to even find the words for this post. I have been trying to write it for the past day and just can't seem to find the words. I need to get this out though... please bear with me. The following will be graphic in parts, and does talk about more than one first trimester pregnancy loss, please be warned.

~This first post is the "birth" story of my most recent babies. The post that follows is a venting post and a place for me to sort out my headspace.~

On April 1, 2008 I woke up to a terrible feeling. I felt like I was falling apart. I walked into my washroom to find I was bleeding very very heavily. So heavily I had to clean myself and my bathroom floor up. I realized that this wasn't just normal menstruation, this was an early pregnancy loss. I hadn't known I was pregnant until it was happening, but having had three miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy before, I knew there was a difference.

I was sad, I called my closest friends to surround myself with love. I told everyone, including myself, that it was OK, that I was OK... after all I hadn't known I was pregnant, so how could I get attached to any potential child? My partner and I moved through it. It prompted some very good conversations between us and we decided to more formally turn our fertility over to God. We had been planning on waiting until our wedding in July to TTC, but we decided that we would not try/not prevent from here on out.

I continued to feel pregnant. I had decided I needed a month away from charting, so I kept trying to guess when I had ovulated, but without temping I was having a hard time confirming. My pregnancy symptoms increased as the month went on, and they got so obvious that even people around me were sensing I was pregnant.

On April 28, 2008 I finally got brave enough to test. There they were... two strong purplish lines. I *was* pregnant. What a miracle! My partner and I were thrilled. I told some close friends, surrounded myself with people to send me good thoughts as I was quite concerned with another loss.

On Wednesday (April 30th) I started having pain that I associated with ectopic pain (having had one before, I was on the look out again). Then I had a dream unlike any I have ever had before. In my dream my baby talked to me and told me that she got lost, but that she'd come back to me later. On Thursday I was totally fearful, and my pain intensified as the day went on. Finally Thursday evening I left my son with a friend and one of my best friends took me to the hospital to get checked out.

I felt so strange being there. I had sworn I was never doing this again... I was never going into the hospital pregnant, I was never doing another ultrasound. I was terrified the baby was in my tube though, so I went. My Mom had a tube rupture during an ectopic before having me, and with me already having had one, I knew I was at a higher risk of another.I waited several hours before I was seen. By the time I went in I had myself convinced that they would either tell me that my baby was in my tube, or tell me that I wasn't pregnant at all any more (I'd been having spotting/light bleeding as well). The doctor came in with the portable ultrasound and did a scan. Much to my surprise, not only was there nothing she could see in my tube, there was a baby IN my uterus. She could see the full developed sacs, but told me that the quality wasn't good enough to really get a good look at the embryo so told me I'd have to come for a formal scan in radiology the next day. She did a beta blood test and sent me home.

I was on cloud nine! I had seen my baby.







I realized I was much further along than I thought I was for what we had seen. I figured I'd wait for the next day before making any definite assumptions about that. My best friend asked if it were possible this was a twin to the baby I'd lost the previous cycle and I remarked I thought we would've seen a baby moving around by now if that were the case, but put it out of my mind for the night.

Friday morning I went in for my ultrasound. After waiting again for my results I got the news I was hoping to not hear. My beta was much lower than it should've been for what we were seeing, indicating it had already been decreasing. Also the baby had stopped developing long before I started to spot and get pain. I was told it was only a matter of time.

Matter of time came today (or I guess yesterday now, it's after midnight... Saturday at any rate). I woke up bleeding almost black blood, clots... and lots of it. To the point I'm not convinced yet I won't end up back in the hospital if the bleeding doesn't slow soon.







I need all the prayers I can get to try and avoid that. I am feeling very drained right now and hoping this physical part is all over soon.


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## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

I feel broken. I feel lost and empty and angry and sad and disappointed... but most of all... broken.

I am 21 years old. I *should* be at my peak fertility in these past couple of years and now (and I keep get reminded of this by the doctors around me). Instead I have endometriosis which causes me great pain and possibly contributes to my inability to stay pregnant.

My first pregnant was 4.5 years ago (for those doing the math I was 17). I have had a total of 6 or 7 pregnancies (depending on whether these last two babies were from one pregnancy or two). I have one living child. He is the light of my life of course, but I want so badly to have a big family, I always have. I had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy at 17, a miscarriage and a heterotopic pregnancy (which is when you have twins, one in the tube and one in the uterus) at 18, my son was born when I was 20, and now these babies are gone and I'm 21.

I am 21 and I have lost *7* babies. My heart aches for these children. I sat talking with other young couples last night about the number of children we/they wanted and was hearing people saying they never wanted any. My heart was breaking... not because they don't (I firmly believe every single person/couple should make the right choices for them regarding family planning) but because I do, and I can't seem to stay pregnant. My body is failing and I feel broken. I feel like I should be able to do something. I eat mostly healthily, I am a vegetarian, I don't drink alcohol or smoke or do any drugs (heck I've taken OTC meds twice in the last two years). I am not overweight, I am healthy. I just don't understand. All my prelimenary tests come back totally fine, and noone wants to do anything more... I'm not even sure I do, but I am not given the option because after all I'm young, and of course I will have lots of healthy babies if I want them.

I am just so frustrated and sad. I feel like I have no choice but to hold it together, but tonight I just can't... I just... I hurt. And I needed to get it out.

I have no idea if anyone is still reading. I am sorry it's so long. I feel better even knowing I've let some of it out. I'm not sure what I'm looking for... just... thank you MDC for being here.


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## laralee16 (Nov 12, 2005)

It hurts, and it sucks. I'm SO sorry.


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## nolansmummy (Apr 19, 2005)

s


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)




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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

momma. I am so sorry for all of your losses. It IS so hard.

I'm glad you feel better letting it all out. And vent, cry, scream, whatever you want whenever you want here. We are here for you.


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## DBZ (Aug 9, 2005)

I hope some peace comes to you soon


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

Mama I don't know you but my heart aches for you. I hope you find some healing in sharing your story here. I have no words of wisdom for you but know that many here share your pain.


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## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)




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## mclisa (Jul 26, 2004)

I'm sorry. If you haven't already, I would try seeing an OB about this.


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## fenix (Apr 22, 2006)

There just aren't the right words. It is so very hard. I pray that your babe comes back to you like she said in your dream. Believe that she can and will, as hard as that may be to believe right now. I pray that you find some peace and healing and that someone will help you to diagnose and treat what may be causing your losses.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

Alison, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I wish I had answers for you. I hope your body starts to cooperate. many of us here have the same problem with no matter what you do, how healthy you eat or are, it fails. it's frustrating and painful. please take care of yourself and let those around you do the same.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

Alison, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had something to say that would comfort you, all I can say is that I will be thinking of you.


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## Matilda_z (Dec 9, 2005)

Alison, I'm so sorry for the losses of all your little ones. And, I'm so glad that you are able to write about it here. Know that we are all thinking of you, that you are in our hearts.









In Spirit,


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Alison,

Big hug for you.
Glad you were able to share your feelings with us and I hope it helps to know others read your story and care and are thinking of you.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)




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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I don't know what to say,triscuitsmom. It's just not fair what your going thru. I'm sorry you've had so many angels.







:


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## DanAbimytwomiracle (Nov 29, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for all you've been through. I just wanted to share my story and how I finally figured out what the problem was, after 4 early losses that I knew of.
Basically, my progesterone level drops like a rock shortly after ovulation. Even at the infertility clinics I went to, they did not test often enough to catch it. Afte the first one where we tested a week apart and by the time the 2nd test came back very low, it was already too late and the baby never developed. With the 2nd one, though, I suspected it and told them I wanted to go in for earlier testing. Sure enough, 3 days before they would have tested me, it was already falling. I went on progesterone suppositories and finally had a successful pg.
I also had been diagnosed with celiac disease, which can contribute to miscarriages. I didn't go gluten-free until I was several months pg though.

It saddens me to know how many times I lost babies that *might have been saved, and it is frustrating to know the answer might have been so easy.

I wish you peace and healing, and I hope my story has been helpful to you.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for all you've been through. Many







. My thoughts are with you.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

I am so sorry for your losses.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for each of your losses. You will be in my thoughts.


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## wife&mommy (May 26, 2005)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.














s:


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

I'm so very sorry Alison. May you find much peace, love and stength here, mama


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## A Mothers Love (Nov 1, 2006)

I hope your heart can heal soon


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I am so sorry.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I am very sorry.


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## Tigerlilly_ (May 5, 2008)

I'm really sorry for your losses, it breaks my heart.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am so sorry for all your losses.


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## RedPony (May 24, 2005)

I'm so sorry, sweetie.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I'm so sorry. Wishing you serenity today.


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your losses.


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