# I can't talk to my sister about her pregnancy



## hipmom (Dec 5, 2004)

Hi its the first time I've posted in this forum but I have read a number of posts and I'm hoping for advice. We lost our baby at twelve weeks at the beginning of December. Christmas was rough but we got through it. What has made it harder I'm sorry to say is that my sister and I were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were one week apart in June. When she visited at Christmas time (she lives in a different city) it was OK but I did avoid talking to her a bit (although we had talked on the phone a fair bit before she arrived). When she visted recently she was showing quite a bit and all I could think when I looked at her was that would have been me. I didn't ask her a single thing about her pregnancy and I feel so bad as we're quite close. It just seems that no one in my family has acknowledged what to me is so huge and obvious that we were both going to have babies at the same time and now I'm not. My family is great but they do tend to avoid conflict or uncomfortable/awkward situations. But now I just avoid talking to her because it seems to be always lingering under the surface. I don't know what do.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

(((((Hipmom)))))

My sister was pregnant very shortly after I lost my first son. He was born at 24 wks and lived for 38 dys. It was very difficult to talk to her because she never acknowledged my grief. One day, my mom and I were on the phone and arguing about my sister and how insensitive she was being and my mom said, "Well, don't you think it's right that the older sister (my sis is the older) have a baby first?" I just said, "Mom, *I* had a baby." and I hung up.

I'm so sorry that your family is treating you so bad. Could you write your sister a note? She may not know how much your loss is affecting you. Unless a person has been there, they really can't know how much it hurts. Also, I know that my sister was very overwhelmed thinking about the bad things that could happen to her baby. She avoided me so she wouldn't have to think about those things. Not an excuse, but a reason.


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## Leakyboobs (Feb 3, 2005)

Or she may just not know what to say... Maybe having some guilt?


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry hipmom. I think perhaps sending her a note telling her where you are coming from is in order.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

hipmom,
when my daughter died, three of my friends were due any time that same week. i was equal amounts attracted and repelled- i wanted to know that they had had their babies, how their labors went, what their babies looked like, and at the same time i wanted nothing to do with it- it made me cry just thinking about their sucessful births and new babies. over the past weeks, i have wondered about them- and eventually i received very meaningful letters from them, expressing how they worried that i felt that way- and that's why they avoided calling or writing. my one friend wrote of her lost chance to know my daughter, and the sadness of our friendship not growing into a new relationship as mothers. this meant so much for me to read.
it is a very uncomfortable situation when this happens- the joy of new life needs to be expressed, but when a pregnancy is lost or a baby dies at birth or shortly after, there is an equal amount of sorrow- yesterday my therapist told me 'babies are _supposed_ to live- when they die, it is a loss for the whole world- people don't know how to express this sadness as well as they know how to show joy'.
i wondered if my friends would ever bring the subject up so we could talk about my loss. they have, and i am relieved. i guess everyone is on a different time table. your sister may feel awkward, just as you feel the loss of your child even more accutely when you look at her of think of her. i think when the right time comes up, you will be able to breach the gap with her, its just a matter of being patient for that time to come. you don't have to rush, because you have to honor your own grieving process.
i am sorry you are going through this sad time.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

First,







I'm sorry you lost your baby.

While this is not the same, exactly, just after my loss, I learned that my sister was adopting. I had those same feelings of "It should have been me." and I just couldn't talk to her about it. Our babies would have been about the same age--only a few months apart. I WANTED to be excited for her, and involved and up-to-date on the whole process, but it was soooo painful, so I avoided it for a long time. It took months before I was able to talk to my sis at length about her baby without breaking down in tears or having to leave the room. I'm not saying it'll take you that long, but it'll take however long it takes. Give yourself time.

I still get a pang of sadness when the family is discussing names for the baby, or when I see my mother knitting a baby blanket. OTOH, I've begun knitting a sweater for my new niece and while I will always be sad that our babies are not growing up together, I no longer think I'll die of grief. I fully expect to cry when I hold her for the first time, I *know* that will be hard.

If you feel up to it, a letter to your sister would be a nice idea and may create a bridge between the two of you. But give yourself time, expect that it will not be easy and the pain will not go away entirely, but that it will get easier.

Peace.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Hipmom-
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have some idea of how you feel. I have 2 sisters. One sister has a new born and one sister is 12 weeks pregnant. I cried the first time I held my new nephew after my miscarriage. Thankfully, my sister was so sweet and understanding. She had had an early miscarriage a few years earlier. I have a harder time talking to my sister who is pregnant, because I want to tell her everything will be OK when she worries about something, but who am I to say that. I also don't want to scare her. She has been very sweet, but it is my nervousness that often holds me back. I think a note would be perfect. That way you both can both take the time to express your feelings without the fear that yuo might say something without thinking about the effect it will have on eachother.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am sorry you lost your baby, i too have lost a baby at christmas and it sucks!!

my sister, step sister and i were all due within 3 weeks of each other. last summer we were all starting to show and excited about the 3 new babies. mine died







and i was the only one of the three that was in any position to even have a baby. it was really hard when the babies were born, there was alot of crying secretly (they live across country so i didn't have to see them), we also cancelled our trip to visit this year as that would be too hard. now that the babies are 3+ months old it is getting a bit easier, i can look at pictures and be proud of my nephew without thinking of what i should have, but i don't know how it will be seeing him for the first time.

i gave myself permission to be as removed from it as i needed to be, i don't care who was hurt by it i had to think of *me* and how i would hurt because no one else would. i did avoid my sister and she understood without me telling her a thing.

good luck to you and remember that your feelings count too

tara


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## juju's mom (Mar 30, 2005)

Sorry for your loss.

Jenn


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am sorry for your loss. My SIL and I were due at the same time (the exact same day even). After my daughter died it was really hard for me to see her. Luckily she has been incredibly understanding about everything. My MIL however has said and done some very insensitive things.







She tries, but she just doesn't understand and so she does things that make it worse. I still have a hard time seeing my niece who just turned a year old. I can't see her without thinking about my daughter and how old she should be. Watching MIL and FIL fuss over my niece makes it even worse, so dh and I try to avoid it if at all possible.

I think a letter to your sister is a great idea. She probably just doesn't understand how you feel because she has never been there.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

My situation is pretty different, but I thought I would try to offer some perspective as I am "the sister." After the birth of my first son, my younger sister was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, and has been told that unless she is one of the miraculous 1%, she will never conceive a child. When I then became pregnant with my second son, I know it was really hard for her. I tried my best to be supportive to her - go with her to fertility doctor appointments, share research, etc. - but in the end I know she doesn't feel like any of us understand what she is going through. And she's right - we don't.

I have gone through periods of feeling really guilty, of feeling really sad (I would love for her to have kids, and it feels like a loss for me too), of feeling angry that I feel guilty and sad.

For how close we are, she has not been as involved in my kid's lives as I would like. I know much of that has to do with it being hard for her to feel like I have everything and she has nothing. I struggle with totally understanding that, but also feeling like she is missing out on the best years of her nephew's lives, and feeling robbed of the close family that I so wanted. My parents were estranged from both of their families, so it was just us growing up. I always envisioned my kids having aunts and uncles and cousins all around, and it isn't turning out that way.

I guess I don't really know what my point is, but I wanted to share "the other side" if you will. I think it's really hard that no one in your family has acknowledged the obvious grief of watching your sister go through the stages of pregnancy and birth that you would have also been going through. But if she's anything like me, your sister probably understands why you aren't as involved, and she probably feels guilty. But if you think it's appropriate to your relationship, I think a discussion or a letter about your feelings would be a great idea. Both to let her know about your feelings, and also to let her know that your distance from her isn't because you don't care about her or her child.

I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby, and am so sorry for your loss.


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## hipmom (Dec 5, 2004)

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It really helped just to tell how I felt and hear other people's stories. I talk to my dh about it but its nice to hear from people who have gone through a similar time. And I appreciate oceanbaby sharing her experiences as "the sister". A card is a great idea - I think it will really help bridge the gap that has grown between us.


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

No advice, just







s


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