# Why do people say this???



## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

Why do people say "Call me if you need anything!" I'm sitting here a day aftere miscarrying. I'm bleeding and cramping. My children are running around like crazy people. DH can't take time off work because we can't afford for him to. OF COURSE I NEED SOMETHING!!!! I need someone to watch the kids so I can rest..I need someone to bring us dinner so my poor tired worn out DH doesn't have to cook again tonight. But I'm not going to CALL someone and say "Hey! Can you bring us dinner tonight? Yeah, we'd like chicken and rice with all the fixin's! And do you think you could watch the kids for a few hours so I can crawl into bed with a heating pad and sleep for awhile? Thanks!"

I have never felt so alone..It's absolutely absurd..I know miscarriage is uncomfortable and talk about..I don't wan't to talk about it with the people at church..I don't want to hear "You can try again" or "At least you weren't very far along" I just need help..Why can't someone just help?


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

I saw a sign yesterday that said "If you don't ask, the answer is always 'no"." ASK! You might be surprised by the help you'll get.


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be increadibly difficult for you right now to physically feel horrible, greive, and take care of your dcs. In my experience, many people do not know what to say or do when someone is having a m/c. Now that I have gone through it, I know how to be supportive - dropping off food, calling to check on them, etc. Maybe the person who said this to you would like to help but doesn't want to invade? I would take them up on it and ask them to help.







to you during this difficult time.


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## Nkenga (Dec 11, 2005)

Call them. It's always easier to give help than to receive it. Give people the opportunity to give you help.

Most people have no idea of what specifically you would need help with, and they may not want to seem pushy because you may want to be alone with your grief - there were times when I did. But people want to be needed - they genuinely WANT to help, they just need a little direction.

Please call them - please be gentle with yourself and give someone the chance to help you. It will be good for you AND them.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I know people really want to help. I just can't bring myself to be so specific about what we need. I wish someone would just volunteer to bring dinner or something, you know? I guess I just have a complex about being a burden on people. I haven't even told my mom yet because she's on vacation with my dad (the first vacation they've had alone in 6 years) and I can't bring myself to ruin it for her. I know she's going to be furious with me when she finds out but I just can't bring myself to cut their trip short when they need it so badly.


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## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

Sorry for what you're going through. Yes, call your friends and even acquaintances! I often say this emphatically "Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help", and people don't take me up on it. And I DO like to do things for someone when they ask.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I guess it just all feels wierd b/c most people didn't even know we were pg so they don't know we've miscarried. It's just wierd to think about callng someone and saying "Hey we lost the baby. Can you make dinner?"

I know most people mean it when they say it. I just wish someone would say they were bringing dinner on Thursday instead of having to ask someone, you know? I already feel emotionally strung out and vulnerable. I don't want to have to ask someone for help..I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do!


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

One thing we did that helped was to ask one person if they would coordinate having people bring dinner. We gave her the e-mail addresses of people we knew who might want to help, and she sent out a message to all of them. She then coordinated who would bring what on what day.

It was helpful because we felt like we only had to ask once: we told our friend what we needed and she did all the rest. And it wasn't that hard for her either.

Do you have one friend that you could call? I know it's hard, but we were SO glad we did it.

I have a friend whose husband died of a brain tumor, and all along during his illness and afterwards there was a group that was bringing meals, babysitting, and housecleaning. There was nothing we wouldn't have done for them. One person coordinated meals, one did babysitting, and one did cleaning. I know it's hard to ask, but people want to help and will do so if you can just ask.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, mama. It's so hard.


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## mom2olivia (Apr 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia*
One thing we did that helped was to ask one person if they would coordinate having people bring dinner. We gave her the e-mail addresses of people we knew who might want to help, and she sent out a message to all of them. She then coordinated who would bring what on what day.

It was helpful because we felt like we only had to ask once: we told our friend what we needed and she did all the rest. And it wasn't that hard for her either.

Do you have one friend that you could call? I know it's hard, but we were SO glad we did it.

I have a friend whose husband died of a brain tumor, and all along during his illness and afterwards there was a group that was bringing meals, babysitting, and housecleaning. There was nothing we wouldn't have done for them. One person coordinated meals, one did babysitting, and one did cleaning. I know it's hard to ask, but people want to help and will do so if you can just ask.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, mama. It's so hard.

















:


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## pixie-n-hertwoboys (Aug 17, 2003)

OH mama!!! I'm so sorry!!!!!! I saw this in the new posts.

I would be willing to bring you dinner. I'm in cowpens. I am dead honest serious. That is so awful of a thing to go through alone. I don't know how to make chicken and rice and all the fixings but I can sure try!







please let me know. I'll pm you my phone number. :bighug


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

I am sorry you arent getting the support you need and I understand. i just posted my long stroy in another forum before i found this one, but I know how you feel right now.
I hope you get some supprt soon. I know how hard this is to do alone!!


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I emailed someone from church and let them know and word leaked out. We got dinner tonight anda sweet couple stopped by with flowers and fruit so things are better. DH commented how it was great not to have to cook or run to the store tonight.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

I am sorry for your loss.

Maybe you could have your DH be the one doing the asking? Maybe it wouldn't be as personal for you that way, and you wouldn't feel so self-conscious.


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

Quote:

I emailed someone from church and let them know and word leaked out. We got dinner tonight anda sweet couple stopped by with flowers and fruit so things are better. DH commented how it was great not to have to cook or run to the store tonight.
Hooray! I'm so glad that you've gotten some support!


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I was having such a bad day today that I was just frustrated. We were waiting until I went to to dr to tell people we were pg. Then when we found out what was happening we wanted to wait until I actually started bleeding to tell people for some reason then I didn't anticipate it hurting this much and got thrown for a loop. So no one even knew and I was sitting here in all this pain not knowing how to ask for help.

I've always been very independent so I figured we could just handle this on our own..Not such a good idea..Thanks for encouraging me to ask for help. Things are looking better..


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

When I was pg with DS our homebirth class leader gave us an assignment to ask a favour of one person the next week. I couldn't do it. Which shocked me! I made a point of _trying_ to ask for help but I still suck at it, and then end up resentful that I don't get the help I want/need.

With both my miscarriages I had a hard time reaching out to people since it was such an intensely personal experience that few people understood, but the poeple that did reach out and help impacted me deeply.

Glad you're getting some help now, and I would also say that right now it is your DH's job to put the word out and coordinate some support for you. It's hard to put yourself out tehre when you're in such a vulnerable/fragile state yourself.

HUGS.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nkenga*
Call them. It's always easier to give help than to receive it. Give people the opportunity to give you help.

ITA w/this. Generally, people are more than willing to help and are glad you thought of them.

I'm sorry for your loss.







s


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

Thanks for the encouragement to ask for help last week. I actually told DH I needed someone to help. I was on the phone with him last Thursday morning and I told him I was really hurting and didn't know who to call. We got cut off and he called me back and said his mom was on the way and was going to take the kids out and go to the store for me.

MIL came and took the kids to McD's for 3 hours then to the store then brought them home and let them play in the backyard until DH got home. I took some Lortab, crawled into bed with the heating pad and slept then took a shower. That all helped so much!!

Thanks again guys! You all are awesome!!


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## Kristeremy (Feb 4, 2006)

I'm glad you were able to get help. I totally understand. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I had lots of those, "Call if you need anything," comments. And I know they were heartfelt. But it's much easier if they just take initiative to do something. Even those I know who've been through it would say, "Call if you want to talk." But I was too sad to pick up the phone and make a call. But if they had called, I'd have been all over it. Silly. I've had to make conscious effort to call and ask. But we really are doing people a disservice when we don't allow them to help.

And my rambling is done.


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Stayseeliz, believe me, IKWYM about not being able to ask for help. BUT, you just have to, and as you have found out, just getting dinner brought over can make a world of difference. When people say, let me know if I can do anything, just say "anytime you want to make a dinner it would be greatly appreciated" and let it go from there.

I remember when some people from church were having a baby shower for me, and they asked what I wanted. I said I wanted people to bring a dinner, frozen, for me to have on hand after the birth. I didn't want presents for the baby, I wanted food in the freezer. I was so specific, and then what happened? No meals, just presents for the baby, which of course I couldn't help but be happy about, but I guess they just didn't want to give me what I really needed. All that to say, you can and should ask for help, but then the ball is in their court.

I often feel frustrated when ladies post here in the p&l forum that they've just had a loss, and I wish so much I lived nearby so I could bring dinner over, or offer to do housework. We all get so close here emotionally, but most of us are physically too far away to be of practical help to one another. I'm sure others feel that way too.

Liz


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry Stacey!!! Sorry for the loss of your sweet baby!


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