# The "How-To" Thread



## ~~Mama2B~~ (Mar 9, 2006)

I'm Kristi. Dh and I are ttc and we're doing a lot of research on pregnancy, birth and parenting.

It seems that a lot of the links that have been posted on this forum are anti-spanking as opposed to pro-GD. Without discussing the dangers of spanking (which I've read a million times now) can we talk about tips and guidelines for GD? I've read all of the "what _not_ to do" stuff, but that doesn't tell me what I _am_ supposed to do. If you have a complete list handy, please post it! Also, if there are some techniques you use and have found helpful, please list those too!

Thanks!

Kristi


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Here are my GD tips in very shortened form:

With babies or with any child where there is a safety issue:

Physically intervene Gently to prevent the child from doing something that she should not.

Use words to explain and guide but not to prevent

For example, when baby reaches for the stove you gently move them away and say "no touching that could hurt OUCH"

you never expect words to control the behavior of a baby or young toddler.

With a toddler when safety is not an issue:

Tell the child what you expect and why. If your words do not work to prevent unwanted behavior or to achieve desired behavior physically (gently) help the child to do so (e.g. tell your toddler to get in the car, explain why it needs to be done, if they don't phyically move them)

With an older child

Tell the child what you expect and why. Repeat once. Stand and wait for it to be done. If the child fails to do as asked state that expectations have failed to be met.

For example, you tell your child to clean up his toy cars because a baby is soon coming over. Child refuses. After first waiting for it to happen (with the demeanor of one waiting for a bus that is late), if it needs to happen do it yourself and state:

I"It was your job to clean up your toys. The baby could have been hurt by them so I had to do it when you refused. Next time I expect you to do it when I ask."

NO OTHER CONSEQUENCES. This is the 'strict' side of GD. Others can give you the more "consensual side"


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Always make an effort to stay connected. Use infancy as an opportunity to learn about your child. Learning to read your child's cues, and respond to them, becomes a basis of trust and relationship that makes it easier to direct and give feedback later.

Empathize with a child who is preverbal. Help them learn about words to describe their feelings.

Help a preschooler learn to use words instead of acting out. Set your child up to succeed by ensuring that he is rested/fed properly before attempting something potentially stressful (errands, visits, playdates, etc.)

Listen to your child. Doesn't mean you have to "give in." But listening, really listening, and letting them know you have heard and understand goes a long way toward soliciting cooperation.

Be yourself, because your child will detect "phony" and disrespect you for it. But work on the parts of yourself that need to change.

Be aware of how much structure your child needs, and provide it.

Learn about child development and have reasonable expectations. But always have positive expectations. They live up to what is expected. Or down to it, as the case may be.

At all ages, reframe irritating or annoying behavior in the most positive terms possible, and ascribe benign motives whenever you can. Try to consider what developmental milestones your child is seeking to acheive by his/her behavior. Help them to acheive those milestones in other ways when their behavior is unproductive or too disruptive.

Try to relax.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Mom: In 10 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: In 5 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: Put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No! Don't wanna!
Mom: I need you to put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No!
Mom: I need you to start putting your toys in the bin by the time I count to three. 1......2......3. Okay, you obviously need help putting the toys in the bin, I'll show you how.

And she took my little hands and *helped* me pick up each and every toy. That was the last time *ever* that either parent got to 3. Yeah, it sounds like a threat, but it's really more of a 'this is important and while we normally like to give you more time, this needs to be done *now*' They also only started counting all of 10 times during my entire childhood and that's including the times for my little brother (only ever got to 3 once with him either).


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
Mom: In 10 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: In 5 minutes you need to put your toys away.
Me, age 3: Okay.
(~5 minutes later)
Mom: Put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No! Don't wanna!
Mom: I need you to put your toys in the bin please.
Me, age 3: No!
Mom: I need you to start putting your toys in the bin by the time I count to three. 1......2......3. Okay, you obviously need help putting the toys in the bin, I'll show you how.

And she took my little hands and *helped* me pick up each and every toy. That was the last time *ever* that either parent got to 3. Yeah, it sounds like a threat, but it's really more of a 'this is important and while we normally like to give you more time, this needs to be done *now*' They also only started counting all of 10 times during my entire childhood and that's including the times for my little brother (only ever got to 3 once with him either).

Wow! You were a gem of a child, is that where you get your username?









These are great posts. There's so much to cover, though. It's easy to summarize the reasons not to spank, but it's hard to list all of the different things that are done instead. But I would say that one of my big ones is prevention. I try to keep my children well rested and well fed. I try to respect their schedules and rhythms (I might even be a bit of a "nap Nazi").
Like Mamaduck said, I listen to their needs and desires, even if they're not getting met. I try to give them enough room to feel everything they need to feel. All this helps them feel more cooperative and willing to do what I ask of them when I ask it of them.

And then there's MY side of the prevention coin. I try to get enough breaks and have strategies for calming down. I try to keep things in perspective of what is age-appropriate and reasons for behavior. I try to stay well-fed and well-exercised (well-rested would be nice, but...) And then, I also have decided what I can and can't give on. There are some very consensual parents on here, but for me and mine, I couldn't take that. I am not a patient person by nature, and in order for GD to really work for us, I have to be able to get compliance out of my children when I really need it. I'm not willing (or, I believe able) to negotiate everything, so we have a more "authoritarian" structure in our family.


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## ~~Mama2B~~ (Mar 9, 2006)

bump


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44*
For example, you tell your child to clean up his toy cars because a baby is soon coming over. Child refuses. After first waiting for it to happen (with the demeanor of one waiting for a bus that is late), if it needs to happen do it yourself and state:

I"It was your job to clean up your toys. The baby could have been hurt by them so I had to do it when you refused. Next time I expect you to do it when I ask."

NO OTHER CONSEQUENCES. This is the 'strict' side of GD. Others can give you the more "consensual side"

Glad that works for some, but I guess I'd be on the more consensual side as I believe that children need to learn to obey authority. I don't think I could have that kind of an arrangement (where my DD could do whatever she really pleased when it came right down to it) and have a child that wasn't completely out of control. (Please don't take this as a personal criticism - just saying it wouldn't work for me).

I like a lot of the stuff in Dr Sear's Discipline Book. I know a lot of people have a problem with it because even tho he is anti-spanking he does tell how to do it if you insist on spanking - which kinda seems to a lot of people to not be 100% anti. But anyway, I think he does have a lot of good ideas in there - espec if you are for gentle discipline but also for children having some boundaries. I just read and take what I like and leave the rest.

Congrats for seeking to be such an informed mama so you can do what's best for your child!!!!!!!!!!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I'm known to ramble, so I'll try to make this as short as I can:

- Read up on appropriate development so you know basic guidelines of what is appropriate for your child at various stages.

- Get off your butt, consistently, from the very beginning....if you ask them to do or not do something, ask once (or twice) and then facilitate (not angrily, but calmly and gently) WITH them (other mamas have mentioned this above, and I believe it's KEY).

- Only offer options if you're really OK with every choice - don't try to "trick" them into doing what you want by giving them an awful second option.

- Try framing your requests as statements more than questions (happily say, "Time for your bath!" instead of "Are you ready to take a bath?")

- Tell them what TO do instead of what NOT to do ("Please keep your fork on the table" instead of "Don't drop your fork").

- Sympathize, empathize, and comfort when they aren't getting "their way", but then help them move on and learn to deal with minor disappointments.

- BABYPROOF! Get things up and out of the way as much as possible so that you have as much of a 'yes' environment as you can...it's a total drag to constantly be redirecting and distracting...believe me, you'll be doing it enough without having all sorts of tantalizing things laying about.

- Don't stifle their negative emotions. Help them learn how to express them in a way that won't hurt others, but don't make them feel that they're bad.

- Don't be afraid to get goofy with them.....a LOT. It's such a joy to be able to let go and be silly.

*- Come to MDC with specific situations, and let the mamas here brainstorm with you!!*

I'm sure I'm missing a lot, but I also know others here will pick those things up!


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

I just got a great book on gentle disciple called, "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hillary Flowers. I loved her "Adventures in Tandem Nursing" book and this is just as good. Real Moms. Real Experiences.

The biggest thing I've learned is that most of it is about you... not your child. You have to learn to control your anger, your responses. You need to learn to analyze and empathize. When things get out of control, more often than not, I'm to blame, not my son(s).


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *umsami*
The biggest thing I've learned is that most of it is about you... not your child. You have to learn to control your anger, your responses.

Yes. Yes. Yes!!!! Learn YOUR triggers. Learn how to handle them. In fact, this goes back to the Natural Child Project. Jan Hunt has a "Declaration of Complete Confidence in Children" that I printed out when my oldest was about 18 months old (he's now 7!) and it STILL hangs on my fridge door.

_Here is a "declaration of complete confidence in children":

Adult-like behavior matures by the time we are adults.

No expectations means no disappointments for us, and no damaging pressures for our children.

Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.

Trust... and wait.

Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child's sense of self.

Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be - he will never be this age again.

Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.

Celebrate your child's uniqueness as well as your own._


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## ~~Mama2B~~ (Mar 9, 2006)

This is a lot of good info! Keep it coming!

Kristi


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## CryPixie83 (Jan 27, 2004)

I have been waiting for a thread like this! This is so helpful!

I definately agree it's more about the parents that the children!


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached Mama*
Glad that works for some, but I guess I'd be on the more consensual side as I believe that children need to learn to obey authority. I don't think I could have that kind of an arrangement (where my DD could do whatever she really pleased when it came right down to it) and have a child that wasn't completely out of control. (Please don't take this as a personal criticism - just saying it wouldn't work for me).

I like a lot of the stuff in Dr Sear's Discipline Book. I know a lot of people have a problem with it because even tho he is anti-spanking he does tell how to do it if you insist on spanking - which kinda seems to a lot of people to not be 100% anti. But anyway, I think he does have a lot of good ideas in there - espec if you are for gentle discipline but also for children having some boundaries. I just read and take what I like and leave the rest.

Congrats for seeking to be such an informed mama so you can do what's best for your child!!!!!!!!!!










Well what I will tell you is to try it. I am BIG on setting boundries. I do make the rules for young children. Though I will listen and consider their wishes. But I have the final say AND I expect my rules to be followed. I did not think it could be done this way with no real conequences. But it really can.

My dd's are very "obediant." Doing things this way and having expectations out there really can create obediant children if that is what you are going for.

The example I gave happened very seldom. What I found was that when children do not want to fail to meet expectations and that they do not just "do whatever they please" when those expectations are made clear to them.

For some this is too strict, for others it seems too leniant. I will say that in practice it is NOT leniant.


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## because (Sep 11, 2003)

I like How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen. I thought it had alot of how-to advice in a very gentle and effective way.


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

Not very many behaviors have to happen "Right this minute." You do not have to have such tight control over your children that they jump when you say jump.

In our house jumping is much easier if Mama is already jumping.

Even 6 year olds might be too young to jump in a room all by themselves.

However, if Mama says jump, before too long, everyone will be jumping. When Mama is well rested and kids are well rested, everyone will jump and laugh at the same time.

If some part of us is not feeling quite up to snuff, it's up to the rest of us to jump for that person.

If the person is too little to jump, we do not expect him/her to participate. If he/she wants to participate, a bigger person holds hands and helps that one jump, too.

Sometimes, little ones have to jump even when they REALLY do not want to. Then we might hold them to jump, we might cuddle them until they are ready to jump, we might make jumping a poop game (because my kids love ANYTHING related to poop), but ultimately, if they have to do it, they do.

Finally, on the rare occassion when they do indeed have to jump right this minute and just because I said so, I definitely get right beside them and help them jump just exactly how it has to happen.

(I do LOVE metaphors! I hope this hasn't been too tedious.)


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## kay4 (Nov 30, 2004)

great thread, I am learning alot


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I'm actually supposed to be working on putting together a "What is GD" stickie for the top of the forum (taken from Peggy O'Mara's Natural Family Living book). Thanks for the reminder


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kay4*
great thread, I am learning alot

me too







thanks mama's


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## MyLittleWonders (Feb 16, 2004)

Please, please keep it coming! This is an awesome help for me too!


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## ~~Mama2B~~ (Mar 9, 2006)

bump!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached Mama*
Glad that works for some, but I guess I'd be on the more consensual side as I believe that children need to learn to obey authority. I don't think I could have that kind of an arrangement (where my DD could do whatever she really pleased when it came right down to it) and have a child that wasn't completely out of control. (Please don't take this as a personal criticism - just saying it wouldn't work for me).

I'm going to go out on a limb, and say that you probably didn't mean "consensual". Imo, "consensual" and "need to learn to obey authority" don't go together in the same sentence! lol. Consentual parenting generally seeks to meet everyone's needs, and find "mutually agreeable solutions" and compromises.
Ds does do as he pleases most of the time. And he's not out of control







Usually, if he doesn't do something I ask him to do, there's a good reason (even if I don't realize it at the time)


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
I'm going to go out on a limb, and say that you probably didn't mean "consensual". Imo, "consensual" and "need to learn to obey authority" don't go together in the same sentence! lol. Consentual parenting generally seeks to meet everyone's needs, and find "mutually agreeable solutions" and compromises.
Ds does do as he pleases most of the time. And he's not out of control







Usually, if he doesn't do something I ask him to do, there's a good reason (even if I don't realize it at the time)


I think she was kidding. She was responding to MY post where I said that I was on the non-consesual side because I have lots of rules and boundries for my kids. But I don't punish or impose consequences. I said that others can talk about the other consensual side. And she, I think, meant, that she didn't consider herself on my "side" of the discipline thing.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

for me the biggest thing for my sensitive son has been to validate validate validate!! help him process his emotions, not stifle them. if he's angry, talk to him about it. "i see that you're angry...can you tell me why?" or if you know why "you're angry because you wanted to blah blah blah...". same for any emotion, really. including happiness! i've found that it helps rowan immensely if i meet EVERY passionate emotion with empathy. tantrums: i start with a hug EVERY TIME. he might not want one, and that's fine - i'll back off immediately. but i always try. no matter how pissed we both are. it always starts with a hug.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

That is a great list, and I've seen it different places online. Its bugging me though, that it is not referenced with the original source. So I dug it up. Credit should be paid where credit is due, you know?







So, *101 Positive Principles of Discipline* is originally developed by Dr. Katharine C. Kersey and can be found at her website: www.odu.edu/~kkersey/


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## ~~Mama2B~~ (Mar 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck*
That is a great list, and I've seen it different places online. Its bugging me though, that it is not referenced with the original source. So I dug it up. Credit should be paid where credit is due, you know?







So, *101 Positive Principles of Discipline* is originally developed by Dr. Katharine C. Kersey and can be found at her website: www.odu.edu/~kkersey/

Thanks so much for finding that! I was wondering who's list it was as well!

Kristi


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## LeslieB (Feb 17, 2006)

I loved the 101 Positive Principles of Discipline. I wish I had read that before my niece came to visit.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I really like Ten Alternatives to Punishment by Jan Hunt

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/punishment.html

I think this one is the most important (and often the hardest for me to achieve):

7. Stay on your child's side. Whenever possible, find a "win-win" solution that meets everyone's needs. To learn conflict resolution skills, consider a course in Nonviolent Communication.


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## t_etc (Apr 9, 2006)

Another thank you for all the great info on this thread... so helpful!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Put a bumper sticker on your van that says something like "Children learn kindness by example." Then you will be too embarassed to yell at them in parking lots where people can see said sticker.


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## Collin'sMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5*
Put a bumper sticker on your van that says something like "Children learn kindness by example." Then you will be too embarassed to yell at them in parking lots where people can see said sticker.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5*
Put a bumper sticker on your van that says something like "Children learn kindness by example." Then you will be too embarassed to yell at them in parking lots where people can see said sticker.

That is funny. I have a "treat your child as you would like to be treated" sticker on my car. Also, when I feel myself getting angry, I pretend there are cameras in the house and that all my GD friends can see me









I like what someone said about knowing yourself. Things have calmed down here quite a bit now that I know what MY triggers are in addition to DS's. If things are loud, I am short tempered. Same with temperature extremes. Some moms immediately respond internally to backtalk with "Oh, no, you just didn't..." and some innately want to hear their child's opposing view. Knowing what behaviors bother you most helps you head off less-than-desirable actions.

The main thing is to remember their little hearts. You don't want to break them.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Just have to emphasize a point made earlier that is key for me, and is the single biggest problem I've been trying to overcome all these years ... getting off your behind.

As in, don't just sit there from across the room and spout at your children ... get up and go over to them and interact/deal with the situation/talk to them/whatever. Get down to eye-to-eye level if need be, but _be *with* them_ in whatever the situation is.

Am still often guilty of violating this rule, and very regularly when it's violated, difficulties ensue. And when it's followed, difficulties are avoided or more easily redirected/rerouted, IYKWIM.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

-Create an environment that doesn't lead to battles - childproof, childproof, childproof. Then set up rooms where it's safe for the child to explore. That environment includes parental attitude. I like to think of parenting like fire fighting. Ideally, you'd have a good fire PREVENTION plan in action. If all you're doing is responding to crises, you're not going to be able to put out all the fires. You'll overwhelm the fire department and still have fires burning (I like metaphors too







).

-Pay attention to children when they're doing things RIGHT. Kids crave attention (heck we adults do too) -- if you notice and spend time connecting with them when things are going well, it prevents a lot of misbehavior.

-Ignore, if you can and it's not dangerous. A lot of 'inappropriate' behavior is desgined to get attention. If it doesn't, you see a lot less of it. I'm a firm believer in boundaries, but I see so many parents fighting battles over stupid stuff.

-Then redirect if it continues by telling them what TO DO -- people respond much better to being told what to do rather than to stop doing something. Sometimes something as simple as "keep your feet on the floor" rather than "don't climb up there" can work wonders. It's also helpful to remember that once toddlers have STARTED an action, they may not be able to stop without help. So, this is where prevention makes a huge difference.

-Get off the couch and help. Toddlers learn by doing. I've 'helped' my kids pick up things they've thrown on the floor. I work with them to pick up toys to clean the house. I will give them the choice of moving their own bodies upstairs to change into pajamas or having me help them. Gentle physical guidance does help teach. It helps the child learn what exactly you mean when you say "please pick up your blocks". It helps them learn that you mean what you say and that it's worth your energy to do this. My kids listen to me because I invest the energy in making sure they do. And because I listen to them.

-Learn something about development so you know what to expect and 'why' they might be doing something. A 1 year old is no more capable of manipulating than they are of driving a car. A 4 year old can't really lie in the same knowing way a 9 year old can. How you deal with situations depends a lot on where the child is.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

What a great thread!

I'll reiterate a couple of pieces of advice b/c I think they're vital:

1. learn what behaviors are age-appropriate for your child. When my son turned 3, he morphed from laid-back dude, to "I will do nothing you say and I will throw a tantrum when things don't go my way." We really butted heads until I realized this was a natural stage of his development and b/cing his own person. I realized that sometimes his emotions were more than he could handle, and that's frightening for a kid. Changing my perspective made a HUGE difference! I understood his behavior as a natural extension of his age and his need for a degree of independence. We spend a lot of time talking about emotions and using words to describe them rather than yelling and stomping.

2. babyproof, babyproof, babyproof. Yes, you will have to give up putting your collectables anywhere that baby could reach them. If there is something you don't want them touching, put it away. I know many people are advocates of teaching baby not to touch certain items, but I feel this stifles their natural curiousity to explore. Not to mention that you spend a lot of time running around telling them not to touch.

3. make sure baby is fed and well-rested before going out. I always take drinks and snacks with me to ensure an easier trip.

4. try to take a few minutes for yourself each day whether it be taking a bath, reading, talking on the phone, surfing the net. Just some time to regain perspective and refocus on what's important.

5. hug and kiss your babe all the time. Or just sit quietly together with them in your lap. Reconnecting is invaluable and helps difuse a lot of situations.

6. lots of time outside expending energy









7. if you're out and babe throws a whopper and cannot be calmed, I suggest dropping what you're doing and either going to the car until the storm is over or going home. I'm sure many mamas would suggest otherwise, but for me, these situations often escalate into me acting in ways that aren't consistent with the way I want to interact with my son. Sometimes trips just don't work out and you've got to throw in the towel.

8. Most important, always remember that your babe is a loving little being NOT a manipulative, willful one. Many people will likely try to tell you different and say you're spoiling babe or letting them control you. I say, nonsense, you are raising a human being that is learning at a fantastic rate about the world around them. They don't even understand the concept of manipulation (until they are MUCH older







).

Well, there is my incredibly long, rambling opinion







This thread is full of great advice and I think its really cool that the OP started it.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Some things I find quite helpful:
Don't see things as "me vs. dc" see it as you are helping dc to do the acceptable thing. I see my ds as having good intentions, and wanting to do the right thing. Sometimes he just needs a little bit of assistance









As a few pp's said (including donosmommy, I'm sure) if you want dc to stop doing something, Tell dc what they CAN do, something that "honors the impulse", meaning it is related to their reason for what they did in the first place. I find that by doing that, I am doing a lot to help ds stop doing whatever unacceptable thing he's doing. He doesn't have to just stop- he can move on to some other fun activity. I also explain why, when I do that. And by redirecting, and honoring the impulse, I think that ds sees that his reasons for doing something are valid, and I just want to help him find a more acceptable way to express them.

When I want ds to do something, like it's time to change a diaper, I make sure he's not in the middle of something, and that he's in an agreeable mood (most of the time he is), and I *tell* him instead of ask him. If he dissents, I (generally) respect that. But most of the time he doesn't.
But I think asking, when its something that you know must be done, is just inviting dc to say no, then you have to go through with it anyways, and that's not fair- after all, you DID ask. Plus, I think its too much responsibility for a child to be asked to make decisions all day. I let ds make the decisions he chooses to make of his own volition. (most of the time, including dissenting to something that I think ought to be done)

Oh, I'll offer ways to make the whole thing more agreeable to him- give him a book, or play a kissing game while we're changing his diaper. Or I'll tell him that we're going to take his diaper off, but we won't put one back on for a while. Anyways, we find a *mutually agreeable solution* (very very important, imo). There are tons of ways to let dc do what they want, in a way that is acceptable to you too. And imo, if you explain to them the workings of it, they learn a lot about consideration and cooperation from that.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Where you can, read up on normal child development. It's amazing to me how many people ascribe mental abilities to children (manipulation, trying to get you angry, etc) who are nowhere close to that level of development. Understanding how children's minds work, how they develop psychologically, can be really helpful in setting realistic expectations.


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## hypatia (Apr 29, 2002)

This is a great thread -- we are struggling right now with discipline and it is helpful to see all of this.

What are some good resources to learn about child development?


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I found "zero to three" helpful, personally - just in giving me ideas about what's going on in my child's development...i didn't really look at much else on the website (and I think I read somewhere that they teamed up to sponsor a baby video, which doesn't thrill me, but the info on development I'm gonna link here was useful to me).

link

This is just for up to 3 yrs, and handles more of the social/emotional development than many other sites do. I've also heard good things about the series of books by Ames & Ilg, but I haven't gotten them myself yet: They're "Your 2-year-old, Your 3-Year-Old", etc. Year by year.


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## RootBeerFloat (Nov 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *donosmommy04*
I've also heard good things about the series of books by Ames & Ilg, but I haven't gotten them myself yet: They're "Your 2-year-old, Your 3-Year-Old", etc. Year by year.

I wasn't in love with the Your One Year Old in this series. I can't remember what it was about it that bugged me so much, but it didn't come across as particularly gentle and respectful of the baby. I think there are some better resources out there.


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

subbing


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ally'smom*
I wasn't in love with the Your One Year Old in this series. I can't remember what it was about it that bugged me so much, but it didn't come across as particularly gentle and respectful of the baby. I think there are some better resources out there.

Ah, good to know; I haven't actually read them myself, had just heard good things about them until now.

What are some of the ones you liked better?


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## arelyn (Mar 24, 2006)

Maybe I'm just totally clueless (but I'm working on fixing that situation) but how do you raise kids this way without making spoiled brats. I was raised in a really authoritarian household. I definately don't want to live like that but I'm also worried about raising the kids too liberally and having them turn out to be terrors. And don't anyone say spoiled brats don't really exsist or I'll tell you all about my younger siblings-in-law!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arelyn*
Maybe I'm just totally clueless (but I'm working on fixing that situation) but how do you raise kids this way without making spoiled brats. I was raised in a really authoritarian household. I definately don't want to live like that but I'm also worried about raising the kids too liberally and having them turn out to be terrors. And don't anyone say spoiled brats don't really exsist or I'll tell you all about my younger siblings-in-law!

Because we're not letting them run around doing whatever they want whenever they want...we're just NOT hitting them, shouting at them, or otherwise intimidating them to 'make them behave'. We're taking into consideration their developmental abilities and working with them to guide them through things to understand WHY they should and shouldn't do something instead of just "because I said so" (cause what happens then when they're teens and we're not there to 'say so'?).

There is a wide spectrum of parenting techniques that fall under the GD umbrella, and I guarantee you that you could find some that work for your family and your values. Basically, it comes down to treating your child the way you'd like to be treated...and I can pretty confidently state that nobody likes to be hit, yelled at, or shamed to be taught things. There are countless ways to teach and guide a young person that treats them as an actual person. If an adult family member, a friend, or even a stranger wouldn't put up with being treated the way you treat your children, why on earth would you treat your own children that way? ("you" here is in the generic sense, I don't mean _you_, arelyn!!!)

Trust me, I was raised GD, and I'm no spoiled brat (in fact, I'm not only an adult GD'd kid, but also an only child - GASP! and I'm STILL not spoiled! Many of my friends, and my husband, could not believe I didn't have any siblings, and even said the words, "you can't be an only child, you're not a spoiled brat" to me. Yay mom and dad!







). The way I see it, GD is a TON more effort for the parent up front, but personally, I think our son, and our child due in June are worth the extra effort.

It's not always easy, and it's definitely not a "quick fix"; GD is more long term oriented and looks to building lasting relationships between parents and children, and raising responsible, caring adults, not "good kids". GD also looks into kids' motivations behind doing things, instead of just assuming they're "bad".

Stick around, we'll grow on you! Lurk in some recent threads, post some situations, and we'll give you solutions!


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## RootBeerFloat (Nov 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *donosmommy04*
Ah, good to know; I haven't actually read them myself, had just heard good things about them until now.

What are some of the ones you liked better?

I was remembering that the Ames book wasn't terribly supportive of extended breastfeeding and promotes CIO sleep training . . .

There are two that I've really gotten alot out of. _The Aware Baby_ by Solter (for 0-2, she has another one for kids 2-4 or 8 called Helping Young Children Flourish or something like that) was fantastic. She has a whole section on discipline and development. She believes that babies are incapable of willfully misbehaving. She frames all "misbehavior" as attempts to learn important information, as a baby's job is to understand the nature of his/her environment. This was really illuminating for me.

The other one that I got ALOT out of but didn't like quite as well was Lieberman's _The Emotional Life of the Toddler_. It reads like a psychology text but is loaded with good information. Her section on potty learning was especially illuminating. She also promotes sleep training, but the rest of the book was so good that I was able to disregard that part.

I think that _Becoming the Parent You Want to Be_ by Davis and Keyer also had good developmental info in it; it's for kids 0-5. But if I had to choose one or two to read, I'd go with the ones above. (They were both quick reads, especially The Aware Baby, think I plowed through it in a naptime and then re-read it a few times after that!)


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arelyn*
Maybe I'm just totally clueless (but I'm working on fixing that situation) but how do you raise kids this way without making spoiled brats. I was raised in a really authoritarian household. I definately don't want to live like that but I'm also worried about raising the kids too liberally and having them turn out to be terrors. And don't anyone say spoiled brats don't really exsist or I'll tell you all about my younger siblings-in-law!

GD'ers (in general) teach their kids right from wrong, socially acceptable behavior vs unacceptable behavior. Most just start with the belief that kids are innately social, and WANT to do the socially acceptable thing, and WANT our guidance to help them do so.
I help ds do the right thing- I give him info, I teach him appropriate ways to express his impulses, I try to keep all his needs met (because we all know that tired/hungry/lonely toddlers can = bad stuff!)
Imo, I can teach ds better if I don't cause stress in our relationship by punishing him. Its like that phrase that goes around this board a lot, something about - Why do we expect that making a child feel BAD will make him be GOOD?

Donosmommy- Congrats








I have to say that, ime, gd is NOT more work than mainstream discipline. Of course, my ds is only 21 mos, and I've not ever used mainstream discipline to compare, but... (plus, I think way differently than a lot of people. lol. So maybe my perception is just really skewed







)
It seems way easier to me to tell ds that I don't want to be hit, and to help ds to find appropriate ways to express whatever impulse was driving the hitting, and repeating a few times until he gets the hang of using the more appropriate way (which is literally the way most things go here). As opposed to saying "no hitting!" then dealing with putting a crying/upset child in a time-out, and trying to get him to understand (all the while being upset) WHAT he did wrong, and WHY it was wrong, and repeat the process until he either develops the impulse control to stop himself, or figures out an appropriate alternative on his own, or figures that he just won't try to express that (probably quite appropriate) impulse anymore, because he doesn't want time-out.
I probably do spend more time waiting for him to be ready to come inside, more time cleaning up blocks that he's just going to dump again anyways, more time finding fun appropriate ways to express certain impulses, and respecting ds's thoughts and feelings, but all that is happy fun stuff. I'll take that over spending time trying to punish the most effective way anyday.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
Donosmommy- Congrats









Thanks!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
As opposed to saying "no hitting!" then dealing with putting a crying/upset child in a time-out, and trying to get him to understand (all the while being upset) WHAT he did wrong, and WHY it was wrong, and repeat the process until he either develops the impulse control to stop himself, or figures out an appropriate alternative on his own, or figures that he just won't try to express that (probably quite appropriate) impulse anymore, because he doesn't want time-out.

I see your point, but I guess the assumption I'm making is that non-GD parents probably wouldn't go to such lengths to explain.....it would just be "STOP HITTING!" "STOP IT!" ad nauseum, or maybe with a good whack on the backside (irony, anyone?) or whatever. I don't see non-GD parenting as the kind that really cares to explain to a child the whats and whys, I see it as more of a "because I said so" and "he/she ought to know better" type thing.

BUT, I could be wrong.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Yeah, you could be right. But even your scenario seems like more work to me! lol. And, I'd have to imagine it would take saying "STOP IT" more times than I have to redirect.
But then, perhaps I'm confusing "more work" with "something I'd never consider because it makes absolutely no sense to me" ???

I really wasn't trying to disagree with you! (we agree on sooo much!) It was just something I was thinking in response to something on another message board. I was wondering why no one was really all that gd. Then I thought maybe its easier to be un-gd. Then I was thinking about "what if" I used un-gd methods with ds. In my head, it was definitely not easier (and definitely less pleasant)! lol.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
In my head, it was definitely not easier (and definitely less pleasant)! lol.

I didn't think you were disagreeing, I think we were just looking at it from different angles. And, as you said above the un-GD would be DEFINITELY less pleasant, for me too, for sure. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.


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## 3cuties (Mar 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *donosmommy04*
I'm known to ramble, so I'll try to make this as short as I can:

- Read up on appropriate development so you know basic guidelines of what is appropriate for your child at various stages.

- Get off your butt, consistently, from the very beginning....if you ask them to do or not do something, ask once (or twice) and then facilitate (not angrily, but calmly and gently) WITH them (other mamas have mentioned this above, and I believe it's KEY).

- Only offer options if you're really OK with every choice - don't try to "trick" them into doing what you want by giving them an awful second option.

- Try framing your requests as statements more than questions (happily say, "Time for your bath!" instead of "Are you ready to take a bath?")

- Tell them what TO do instead of what NOT to do ("Please keep your fork on the table" instead of "Don't drop your fork").

- Sympathize, empathize, and comfort when they aren't getting "their way", but then help them move on and learn to deal with minor disappointments.

- BABYPROOF! Get things up and out of the way as much as possible so that you have as much of a 'yes' environment as you can...it's a total drag to constantly be redirecting and distracting...believe me, you'll be doing it enough without having all sorts of tantalizing things laying about.

- Don't stifle their negative emotions. Help them learn how to express them in a way that won't hurt others, but don't make them feel that they're bad.

- Don't be afraid to get goofy with them.....a LOT. It's such a joy to be able to let go and be silly.

*- Come to MDC with specific situations, and let the mamas here brainstorm with you!!*

I'm sure I'm missing a lot, but I also know others here will pick those things up!

These are great -- I especially like the part on not stiflying negative emotions. That is actually a hard one to remember.


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## annarosa (Aug 30, 2004)

be playful, mess around, be silly you when you want your child to do something
eg. getting dressed - sing a song (this is the way we put on our socks to the 'mulberry bush' tune) and then instead of putting on socks put on her vest - my dd loves this and it always turns around an 'I don't want to get dressed' situation
do goofy things - eg. if dd won't get into the car - talk to the car seat -
'hey car seat, dd doesn't want to get in'
pretend to reply like the car seat ' oh no, why not, I'm all ready , come on dd let's go'
dd 'no'
' oh please, I'm all readyfor you, I want to go' etc. etc.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

These are really great! I'll add a few but hope I'm not too repetitive.

1) Phrase things constructively. Instead of "No, don't swing the bat in the house!!" explain: "We swing bats outside."

2) Remember that discipline is about teaching, not about punishing, humiliating, controlling, stifling. Model what you teach. Treat children respectfully if you want them to treat others this way. Don't be violent with them if you want them to be non-violent.

3) Don't assume GD isn't working when your child misbehaves. ALL children misbehave, regardless of which discipline method you employ. It is part of being a child and learning appropriate behavior. Remember that a lot of the "payoff" of GD comes later and is not immediate.

4) Don't confuse GD with lack of discipline. There is a whole spectrum of GD styles and you need to choose what feels right to you. It is not about lack of boundaries. It is about setting/enforcing them respectfully.

5) Educate yourself on developmental stages/phases so you won't be unrealistic in your expectations. Remember, for instance, that tantruming is entirely developmentally appropriate.

6) Discipline with empathy. If your child is furious that she cannot have another cookie, it is ok to acknowledge her feelings (without giving her the cookie!): "I see you are upset that you cannot have another cookie." For a toddler, you could keep it even simpler: e.g., "Sebastian is so sad!! Sebastian wants a cookie!"

7) Model what you want to teach. Not just with your child, but everywhere. If you don't tolerate violence, don't hit anyone (including your child, your pets, etc.). If you value compassion, show it to your friends, relatives, neighbors. And explain to your child ("Mommy is going to visit Auntie Sara because Auntie Sara feels lonely since Uncle Don died."). Etc.


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## BonMaman (Sep 25, 2005)

This is a great thread. Thanks to all who have shared their insightful wisdom, offered tangible examples & helpful metaphors, and honored their children by such loving care.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Reviving this thread with a new contribution from Harville Hendrix and Hellen Hunt -- (I changed some pronouns to make it about mamas)

*A Conscious Parent&#8230;*

Uses "I" instead of "you" to express her own point of view.

Learns to observe and question herself.

Uses her child's behavior as an opportunity to teach rather than punish.

Provides clear instruction when teaching new behaviors.

Focuses on her child's behavior rather than her character and motivation.

Honors her child's cooperation with more energy than she used to call attention to a particular problem.

Helps her child understand that decisions have consequences.

Never withdraws when things get difficult.

Offers love and support without conditions.

Stays in the present, avoiding negative references to the past.

Avoids manipulating his child's behavior by making comparisons to others.

Avoids criticisms.

Creates opportunities for fun.

Laughs deeply and often.

Creates opportunities for her child's creative self-expression.

Says, "yes" as often as possible.

Provides clear boundaries and sets limits that reinforce a child's sense of safety and support.

Teaches the child about appropriate personal boundaries by modeling them.

Learns about the stages of growth and development her child will go through before becoming an adult.

By Harville Hendrix and Hellen Hunt -- from "Giving the Love that Heals"


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