# Handling a very friendly, outgoing toddler in public



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

My DD (2.5) is very extraverted and loves to be around people. When we are in public, she often approaches complete strangers, says "Hi," starts chatting with them, asks them their names, and then eventually may hug them or lean her head on them if they seem at all friendly. It is VERY sweet, but I am never sure how to handle this situation. Do I try to restrain her from approaching strangers? Do I try to curtail the physical affection? Should I be herding her away after a minute or two?

I'm always right there, and she never picks questionable-seeming people for this--it's almost always friendly women, and often other moms--but I'm concerned that she is crossing too many boundaries. At the same time, it is clear that sometimes people love this, and it can be a sort of wonderful thing, too. I also feel a bit sad about the idea of saying "Don't talk to people you don't know" or "Don't bother those people" or whatever.







She just is such a friendly, trusting soul and she is so interested in meeting people.

Does anyone else have a child like this? How do you handle it? Have you set up any rules or had any talks with your child about it, or do you just play it by ear? Does anyone else have a random hugger?? I actually find that embarrassing, because I can't help but feel like people must think she's desperate for affection or something, but I realize that is probably me being neurotic!

(I usually let her have fun for a few minutes and then try to distract her or gently herd her away. I also try to get a sense for whether she is being annoying to the person and sometimes ask/apologize. The thing is, she can be quite persistent. For instance, we have a new coffeeshop in our neighborhood where we love to go, but the people there are sort of a captive audience and DD will keep on returning to talk or interact. I am struggling with whether this is appropriate or not. I don't want her to be seen as a "nuisance." (I hate thinking of my charming DD that way, but she certainly does







nonstop and I can see how it might be a little bothersome to someone who was looking for a quiet cup of coffee.)


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## punchy (May 26, 2006)

I think it's great that you have such an outwardly loving child. I'm sure most people on the recieving end of her affection take it with them as a compliment; and I wonder how many peoples bad days she's turned around as a result. My 18 mos. old can be quite charming, too, and had a spell a while back where she would go up to anybody and ask to be picked up. She also does this lean in and smile thing which is hilarious. I also think it's natural for you to be concientious of how others are reacting to your girl; we want them to have only the best experiences with others, right?

Basically I see it this way: let her be free to mingle with others and if you see a situation where you think her new *friend* is less than thrilled, ask them if they'd prefer privacy and then guide you kid away if so.
Her confidance in social settings is a wonderful attribute, though you are still her guide and mentor, she will need you to step in on occasion.

Not much advice, but I think you're doing a great job already.

Nicole


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## Shelsi (Apr 4, 2005)

I think she's totally fine except for the hugging/laying her head on them. That could make many people uncomfortable...it would actually make me uncomfortable. In our society it's not rude to go up and talk to people but it sure is considered odd to just hug random strangers lol. I think you should teach her to ask if she can give them a hug or teach her how to shake hands.

Then of course teach her the usual "stranger danger" stuff and make sure she knows not to ever go off with someone without mommy or daddy. My ds is social like your dd (except for the hugging) and that's really the only thing I worry about, that he'd be an easy kidnapping target since he loves everyone.


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## jennyriver (Jul 17, 2004)

my guess is, hugging strangers is something she'll grow out of. by the time she's old enough to be away from you in public, i doubt she'll still be wanting to hug strangers! for now, it woulds like you're handling it right...assessing the situation to make sure everyone is comfortable and redirecting her after a reasonable amount of time.

as a "stranger" i'd rather be "annoyed" by your child hugging me that screaming at or hitting me, KWIM? i wouldn't worry as much about the reactions of others simply because you know your child is well intentioned and being in a public place puts you at risk for social interaction...so, these people are already "out there" and risk others being nice, rude, loud, etc. to them. worse things than being hugged could, and probably have, happened to them!

plus, it's valuable for your child to learn to trust her instincts about people. if for any reason she ever became separated from you, she should be able to pick an "appropriate" (ie: mom with children) stranger to turn to for help. to teach her to be afraid of or distant from strangers is not only unrealistic but could be dangerous if the alternative is for a NON friendly stranger to find HER. it's a good topic of conversation for you to get into with her when the opportunity presents itself. and besides a safety issue, it's nice for adults to be friendly to each other and i think we all want to teach our children how to be friendly and appropriate with strangers. sounds like she's well on her way


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

I wonder how many peoples bad days she's turned around as a result.








This is a nice way to think about it. I remember one woman she took to who seemed so thrilled, and said "Oh, it's been so long since I had a toddler hug, and I forgot how wonderful they are."

Quote:

I think you should teach her to ask if she can give them a hug or teach her how to shake hands.
I've thought about telling her to ask, but--I think everyone would feel like they HAD to say "Yes," wouldn't they? Is that any better? I'm not sure.

Shaking hands could be good. Maybe we'll work on that. I might be able to deflect her with, "Do you want to shake hands?"

Quote:

to teach her to be afraid of or distant from strangers is not only unrealistic but could be dangerous if the alternative is for a NON friendly stranger to find HER.
This is a very interesting point. She has never gravitated towards anyone that I felt uncomfortable with, so either her instincts are good or perhaps she actually is aware of who I feel comfortable with. I think teaching a child to look for a mama with children if they get separated is probably indeed a good idea. I definitely don't really care for the idea of teaching her just "Don't talk to strangers" or some kind of blanket statement like that.

I am, however, mulling over the idea of saying something like "I think that lady would like some quiet time" when I get the "I'm done with this" vibe from someone and teaching her that when people want quiet time they want to be by themselves. This could be useful in the coffee shop--I think we're going to be going there a lot.


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## Nora'sMama (Apr 8, 2005)

"Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker has some great ideas about the whole "stranger danger" thing. ITA that it's best to teach kids to look for a woman, preferably with kids, if they ever get lost.

Your post made me







because my DD is only 14 months old but she has been like this almost from day 1. She started waving pretty early (8 months?) and would wave and smile at EVERYONE. She still does it, but she's a little more selective. I watch her try to catch people's eyes and then she waves. But she gets so sad if people don't wave back, and sometimes they don't







...either they don't see her or a toddler wave is just not on their radar (I've noticed since having DD that some people seem not even to be aware of kids, it's as if they are invisible).

When she's walking as opposed to in a cart, say at the bookstore or something, she always goes right up to other kids and smiles and tries to give them things. It really seems to confuse and disappoint her when they stare at her blankly or turn away (a lot of older kids seem to ignore younger kids). But the saddest thing is when a kid is really into DD and their parents take them away...

I wish I had a good way to explain to DD why not everyone is as friendly as she is. I'm afraid she will get jaded by age 2!

ETA: loraxc, the coffee shop is usually a very friendly place for my DD. All the Starbucks baristas know her and talk to her (and even fight over who gets to hold her!)...it's really sweet. A lot of the regular customers know her, too, and there are also several other toddlers who come in at the same time we do that DD "knows". I wish people were that friendly everywhere!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Nora'sMama, my DD also was like this from day one. I remember 6-9 months as just being over-the-top with this--she would try to "make contact" all the time, with everyone. As with your daughter, she's now more selective, although it doesn't take much to encourage her!

Interestingly, my DD is not as outgoing with other children as with adults, although she seems to be getting more so.


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## SparklyMoose (Feb 13, 2005)

Mine, too. He's been hugely social since he was little, and he's only getting moreso as he gets older. He's 14 months now. He also isn't as sure about other kids as he is of grownups. I do worry about drawing the line to not freak him out about strangers, while still keeping him safe. Who knows what will happen in even a few months...that's this parenting adventure. Who knows, who knows?


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## faithnj (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm another with a super friendly baby. Interestingly enough-- she's friendly with people she chooses to approach at stores or wherever. But if people come up to her all load and huggie, she shys away......I wish I had some good advice for you. I wasn't raised in a "Dont' talk to strangers" world, and I don't feel comfortable teaching my 18 month old about the dangers of strangers yet. (I was raised in friendly Ohio, but have lived several years in not-so-friendly New York and New Jersey.) How in the heck is she supposed to discern, aside form listening to her own, inner radar that lets her know she likes some people but not others? I'm really concerned about when and how I'm going to teach her that all people aren't so safe. But whatever the case, I'm fairly confident that I'm not going to be teaching her that before two, so.......


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

My 3.5 yo is like that. He'll talk to everyone and jump in people's laps.
If it seems like the attackee is less than thrilled I'll have a word with him about how you need to give other people their space. We've been working on that at home as even I don't like having a kid on me and in my face all the time. Also, "That man is trying to read the paper and it's kind of hard to do that when you're asking him so many questions" is not mean, IMO. They sometimes need the obvious pointed out.


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Well, I think you're really lucky to have this "problem." I have a super-shy 3.5 year old who, unless, I prepare him in advance that someone might want to talk to him, will scowl horribly at anyone who looks his way. After scowling, he'll flop himself to the floor until s/he goes away.

People look at me like I must be the world's worst mother, I swear, but he's been like this since infancy. He's just really hesitant with new people and in new situations. He is getting better, but it's a challenge almost every day.

But I just had one other quick thing... you might want to be careful with allowing physical contact with people who might be slightly immune-system compromised. My elderly father, for example, might be very friendly with a child in the checkout line at a grocery story, but he's on a medication for his severe arthritis that lowers his resistence somewhat. Not enough to be housebound, but definitely enough that an unexpected hug from a toddler might be a problem.

--Olive


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## webby (Feb 24, 2005)

I know you didn't necessarily get the answers you were looking for, but I did enjoy the post. My 14 month old DD is very outgoing and sociable and seems to have no fear of walking up to anyone. She says hi to everyone that walks by and today in the bookstore she walked up to man (a dad whose boy was playing at the train table with her earlier) gave him a book and climbed into his lap!!!!


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## Nora'sMama (Apr 8, 2005)

Faithnj, that sometimes happens w/ DD too. Today we were outside in the yard and the neighbor came by - we are at my parents' house so she doesn't know the neighbor (they've 'met' but she was like 5 months old so she obviously doesn't remember!). He was with his daughter who she DOES know and whose arms she tried to jump into the first time they met. But for some reason the guy freaked her out...I felt so bad, he's such a nice guy, and as soon as he walked into the backyard behind his daughter DD FREAKED. She screamed and leapt out of her kiddie pool and into my arms. She would not calm down so he had to leave and we went in the house. Ack! I think maybe it was that he had facial hair, since she's never been afraid of men but I have seen her shrink away from my dad when he has a goatee.

Anyway, you just never know with these kiddos! We went to Target and BRU later in the day and she was back to smiling and making friends...


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## Crazy Basil (May 22, 2006)

Not much advise either







, but another one with a super outgoing kiddo. Not so much with the touching, but says "Hi!!!" to absolutely everyone. Though he did actually RUN up to a little girl, probably about 8 or 9, and give her a big hug once before I could redirect him. She didn't seem thrilled about it, but her mom thought it was pretty cute.

I just gently tell him that not everyone is as friendly and outgoing and that he should ask first, but after reading a pp about worries about jading children early, I might have to think of something else. DP and I are just about the most introverted homebodies ever, so I'm thrilled he's looking like a social butteryfly and definitely don't won't to discourage it. I think in your case I would just follow your instincts. Like you said, if you get a sense that someone is "over it", I don't think it's bad to redirect her and say that whoever needs some space and quiet time or whatever. I think it's a wonderful trait to have though and that attitude can DEFINITELY take her further in life later on. So many times I wish I had the nerve to just walk up to people and say Hi.









It does kind of make me sad though when people don't at least wave back.







I know it shouldn't, but I was always raised that it was rude not to at least acknowledge people. For some reason it especially bothers me when it's other kids. I don't know if it's just our neighborhood or what, but more often than not Hayden will wave and say a big hello to other (usually older) kids and they just stare, completely expressionless, at him. It's like he's got two heads or something.... Maybe they're just shy, I am, so I can understand it to a point, but sheesh, at least a little wave or something.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

I think that teaching her to shake hands is an excellent idea.

A rule I am trying to teach my outgoing 15-month-old is, "We don't touch people we don't know." I present this in a very matter-of-fact way, sometimes with the explanation "it's not polite" or "it's not good manners."

I don't want to introduce this as a safety issue or give her the impression that she should be afraid of strangers. I think it's usually not appropriate to introduce concepts like "stranger danger" to toddlers - realistically, there's not much they can do to protect themselves, and it just introduces fears.


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