# My story



## haydensmom06 (May 8, 2007)

I figured that I should introduce myself and share my unfortunate story with you all since I've read a lot of yours. My name is Jess, I'm 26 (27 in a few weeks) and I have two kiddos. Hayden is 3 and Ava is 19 months. Dh and I were actually talking about more permanent forms of contraception like the big V because we felt that our family was complete and we were really happy. About a week after having the V discussion, I found out I was pregnant with number three. We had dtd 4-5 days before O, which I thought would have been long enough (we also use Astroglide and we've never gotten pregnant on that, even when ttc for my daughter). We also dtd with a condom the day before O, so I'm not sure which one did it. BUT it was a huge shock. I actually almost hyperventilated when I got the bfp. It wasn't planned, we didn't want another child at this point in our lives, and it just completely threw us for a loop. However, we (especially I) quickly warmed up to the idea and I was just ecstatic after about a week or so.

When I was 7w1d, I had a little spotting - brown, very minor, but I was SUPER anxious about the pg. I had this feeling of dread. So I went in for an u/s. The baby measured 6w2d and had a hb of 135, which was really great for the gestational measurement. I was worried that babe was measuring almost a week behind, but I tried to be faithful. I had my next appt 6 days later and I was talking to my midwife about my anxieties and asked for another u/s (just at the office). She couldn't find the baby with the belly wand. So we switch machines and we try again - still nothing. So we tried the vag u/s and there was baby, measuring 6w5d and no heartbeat.







A piece of me died. Because of my feelings, I wasn't super shocked, but it still rocked me to my core. They sent me to diagnostic imaging for a second source to confirm, which they did. I was told I could wait, take Cytotec, or do a D&C. I decided to go home and decide. I couldn't believe my world was just crashing down on me.

I decided to wait to m/c naturally. The next day, I was listening to my ipod and decided to just go upstairs by myself. I ended up in my dd's room in the glider. I let loose. I cried and mourned. I just rested my hands where I knew that little baby was and cried. I professed my love, my sorrow, and how sorry I was that we had to wait to meet face to face. This all took about an hour and as soon as I stopped crying, I started feeling twinges. That night I started spotting, the following day I started bleeding, and the next day I passed the baby.

Everything was completely intact which was really shocking to me, even inside the placenta. I opened the placenta up, had to break the amniotic fluid, and looked at the baby. I just had to see it. I had to make sure that it was the baby and not just a large clot or just the placenta, even though I was pretty sure it was everything. It was already a lot smaller and less formed than at my ultrasound on Tuesday (so just a week past the time the baby passed on).

I have to say that I'm feeling pretty relieved that it passed on its own and so soon. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere once I started bleeding because I was afraid it would come out when I wasn't at home. But it was sad at the same time to see. We put the little on in a box, in the freezer. We're going to plant it under a weeping willow tree (my favorite kind of tree) on my mom's property since we'll be moving in a few years.

I can't believe it's over. I can't believe it happened. I can't believe I'm no longer growing a precious baby inside my belly. Luckily my mom stopped by so she took care of the kids when I felt the baby pass. I was actually laughing heartily at Ava (19mo) when I felt the placenta fall out. I thought it was a sorta kinda happy note that it happened through the joy of one of my other kiddos.

So that's my story. I'm sorry to "meet" most of you this way, but I'm so happy to have support and your stories to read. (((HUGS)))


----------



## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


----------



## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

I'm so sorry, mama








It's amazing how quickly we get attached and how profound the grief is.


----------



## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

I'm sorry for your loss.

Jenne


----------



## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

i'm so sorry for your loss mama







.


----------



## SusanMy (Apr 17, 2008)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


----------



## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss mama


----------



## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your story.

I know all too well that feeling of letting it all go. Every single time I have had one day of just letting it all out and bawling all day. And usually it has something to do with my daughter, I will see her sleeping and just lose it. I have sat in her room and just sobbed. I think it is a healing process and I am glad you found some bit of peace in that way.


----------



## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

Jess. We've been thinking about you guys.


----------



## sept04mama (Mar 3, 2004)

So sorry. I hope you find peace in coming here like I have these past few weeks.


----------



## amrijane128 (Jan 6, 2007)

I'm so sorry. It's such a hard place to be, but this place helped me tremendously. Feel better soon.


----------



## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Momma, I'm so sorry.


----------



## WillowsWay (Oct 28, 2009)

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

I had a missed m/c at 12 weeks, but the baby stopped developing at the same time as your little one. I also had a natural m/c at home and was shocked at how beautifully formed and perfect the tiny baby was. It really was amazing.








to you. I pray that you find healing and peace.


----------

