# MIL does our laundry.



## Farmin' with Baby (Jul 6, 2009)

My MIL in babysits once a week for 3 hours and somehow manages to do all our laundry, vacuuming, and dishes during that time. This is driving me crazy. I can post more details later but I"m in a hurry right now. But, help me out here, is it wrong to not want my MIL to be folding my DH's socks and underwear? (This is only one thing in a long list of resentments I'm building up but it seems representative.)

I had no idea how much I would be marrying my DH's whole family when I married him. argh.


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## Mama Mko (Jul 26, 2007)

I would just tell her not to do the laundry. I don't like anyone doing the dishes or laundry except me. I don't particularly love doing those chores but I like to have control over exactly how they're done.


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the arrangement but I can't really relate. I would be over the moon if someone did my dishes, laundry and vacuumed for me WHILE babysitting. *sigh*

I sort of see your point, but if she's not critiizing you and is just genuninely trying to help ease your load, I think you should graciously accept.

My two cents.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

:


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the arrangement but I can't really relate. I would be over the moon if someone did my dishes, laundry and vacuumed for me WHILE babysitting. *sigh*

I sort of see your point, but if she's not critiizing you and is just genuninely trying to help ease your load, I think you should graciously accept.

My two cents.

I agree! Let's see, in the last 3 years I've had a babysitter....twice. I'd love to have someone clean for me while babysitting.


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## Jemmind (Nov 13, 2007)

I'd be happy too, I'd just make sure my unmentionables were cleaned before she arrived.


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

Be prepaired for when she comes. Have everything done and next time your over at her house start cleaning anything u can find


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

That said I would also be over the moon if someone came in and cleaned up my house while I had a couple of hours to myself..









But Its been over two years since I have had time to myself..


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

Have you asked her to stop? She is probably trying to help.


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## 1growingsprout (Nov 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
My MIL in babysits once a week for 3 hours and somehow manages to do all our laundry, vacuuming, and dishes during that time. This is driving me crazy. I can post more details later but I"m in a hurry right now. But, help me out here, is it wrong to not want my MIL to be folding my DH's socks and underwear? (This is only one thing in a long list of resentments I'm building up but it seems representative.)

I had no idea how much I would be marrying my DH's whole family when I married him. argh.

I understand.... Laundry can be intimate, i wouldnt want my MIL or my mother to do that either... same with other chores.... unless i have a very close relationship with family (and i DONT) i really dont want them having free access to my stuff YKWIM? I'd really rather MIL use that time to babysit... play with the baby, have fun with the baby... focus on the baby... do something special with the baby etc...

Now since im a bit passive at times I would move the vaccuum so MIL cant find it ( put it in the back of the garage, up in the attic etc) I'd 'hide' the laundy etc but thats just me... sometimes i tend to get pleasure out of messing with people LOL


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

I asked my MIL if she would leave our laundry. I used some lame excuse about having some stuff that I hung to dry that looked like it could go in the dryer.

She does to the dishes and other miscellaneous stuff and I love that.


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## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
My MIL in babysits once a week for 3 hours and somehow manages to do all our laundry, vacuuming, and dishes during that time. This is driving me crazy. I can post more details later but I"m in a hurry right now. But, help me out here, is it wrong to not want my MIL to be folding my DH's socks and underwear? (This is only one thing in a long list of resentments I'm building up but it seems representative.)

I had no idea how much I would be marrying my DH's whole family when I married him. argh.

Sometimes when my mom babysits she does our dishes and light housekeeping, especially if I am not feeling well. Is this something you just don't like about your MIL--would you feel the same way if it was your mom doing your housekeeping? I wouldn't want my MIL washing and folding MY underwear, but since DH is her son, it would be between the two of them if she did his. So I would probably just make sure that my undies were all washed and put away and I'd let her have at the rest, with my blessing!!!!


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## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

It sounds like there must be more to this (back story with issues with her) than what we caught in the first post because I too would be pretty happy!

If it's specific items you don't want her washing, maybe have laundry day be the day before she comes or else have a hidden laundry basket.

Dishes and vacuuming really wouldn't bother me.

The only reason I can see this bothering me is if I felt like she had criticized my ability to keep house before and this was a sort of slap in the face that she had to do things that I wasn't doing or didn't have done. If that's the case, I'm sorry! That would be hurtful. Otherwise, I would just try to see it as a gesture of kindness extended to a busy and tired mom.


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## syn_ack89 (Oct 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1growingsprout* 
I'd really rather MIL use that time to babysit... play with the baby, have fun with the baby... focus on the baby... do something special with the baby etc...

A possibly easy way out of it is to say to your MIL "I appreciate the cleaning, but I want you to focus on spending time with/having fun with the baby". That way it's not about you not liking her cleaning, but about her and the baby bonding.


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## plum tree (Aug 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the arrangement but I can't really relate. I would be over the moon if someone did my dishes, laundry and vacuumed for me WHILE babysitting. *sigh*

I sort of see your point, but if she's not critiizing you and is just genuninely trying to help ease your load, I think you should graciously accept.

My two cents.









:

Really, I think there has to be larger issues at play here than her doing helpful chores while watching your children. Is it that she does it with a condescending attitude, implying that you don't keep a clean household? Or is it that you feel she's being nosy by going in to rooms to get the laundry? I don't see the problem with her folding your DH's socks and underwear - most likely she's been doing that longer than you have. I might feel uncomfortable with my MIL folding MY unmentionables, but you said DH's so I don't quite get that one either.

It sounds like an ideal set-up to me - child care and housework, while you get some time out of the house







. See if you can't think about it differently.


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

Thats a really good point about her spending quality time with your LO. How old is your LO and where are they while mil is cleaning your home?


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

Just ask her to skip the laundry, or pick out a specific load that's more okay for her to do and ask her to do just that one.

I can understand how it could lead to resentment, sure. And yeah, it's your laundry, it's totally ok to not want her to do it.


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

just do the dishes and put your laundry and vacuum into a locked room







prob solved


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## Katsmamajama (Jun 24, 2009)

I guess I can kind of relate, but don't see the big deal?

My mom would watch DD while I had symphony rehearsal on Monday nights. So, on Mondays, I would go to her house with DD (a block from our own), we'd have dinner together, I'd leave for rehearsal at 6:30, and while I was gone my mom would take DD back to our house to get ready for bed. There would be a good hour or so between DD going to bed, and when I got home, and my mom wasn't really big on watching tv at our house (our larger tv gave her headaches) and she definitely wasn't one to play on computers, so doing laundry or dishes made her feel helpful. I'd come home after rehearsals to laundry being done, or DD's room picked up, my dishes from the weekend done.....it was idle work for her. If I had stuff I didn't want her to touch (unmentionables, etc.) I just made sure they weren't in the laundry pile.

Did I cringe a bit the first couple weeks of the season where I came home to find especially my lacy bits hanging over the edge of the couch next to uniform piles of my t-shirts and whatnot? Definitely. Of course, I still have "blinders" on that my mom doesn't know I'm sexually active, and having certain articles of clothing would certainly destroy my lovely little house of cards-- and I know, I know, DD didn't come from the cabbage patch, and I'm sure Mom knows that....but still! Anyway, I couldn't quite tell her "no, you have to sit for 3 hours and twiddle your thumbs!" I just made sure that whatever idle chore I left for her was "G rated" and not going to lead to awkward moments!

With my mom, I know that even if I had the laundry or dishes all done, she would still find another idle chore to take care of for me-- i.e. picking up DD's toys. One week, since there were no dishes or laundry to do, she went through DD's toybox and picked out the Happy Meal type toys, and even sat with DD and picked the toys out that she had outgrown to bag up for Goodwill. It was a chore I had mentioned wanting to get to, and she was helping me out-- DD has a tendency to say, "no, (insert name) gave me that for (insert reason), I can't give it away," but my mom is better at getting the point across that she doesn't play with it and some other child could be made happy with that toy-- DD likes to dig in her heels with me!


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## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

Both my in-laws and my parents would do this for us when they used to come over to baby sit. One time I asked my mom about it and she said that she had always wished that she had help with the "mundane tasks" when we were kids so now she likes doing it for us. She said it is hard enough to be a famil with kids, work, be involved with the community, put a good dinner on the table, if by doing the laundry it gave us one less thing to worry about then she felt good.

That answer worked for me!







:


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

you could give her my number







That would get her out of your laundry room and into mine!


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the arrangement but I can't really relate. I would be over the moon if someone did my dishes, laundry and vacuumed for me WHILE babysitting. *sigh*

I sort of see your point, but if she's not critiizing you and is just genuninely trying to help ease your load, I think you should graciously accept.

My two cents.









:

I too only dream of someone coming and doing my chores. LOL Sure, I don't want to put anyone out, nor do I expect them to do it....but I would be very appreciative


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

I can relate to the feeling of discomfort. Last night my mom arrived to stay overnight so she could babysit DS this morning while DH and I were at the hospital with DD, who was having surgery.

I already felt like it was a HUGE imposition for my mom to have to come here and sleep here and babysit for much of the day, but she also brought cookies and emptied the dishwasher while she was here.

My mom is fantastic and I love her. There is no resentment or tension between us; we have an excellent relationship. The guilt I felt was purely my issue, not due to any sort of vibe she was giving off. What she did was done out of pure love and a desire to make things a bit easier on a very stressful day.

I still feel bad she came to help us out and did an extra chore on top of that, though.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

OMG! We married the same man! Either that or my DH secretly has a brother somewhere. Geez!!! The majority of people ask for my MIL's number when I vent about it, too...

Weeeell, anyone who whole-heartily claims they'd LOVE MIL to wash their laundry (including their and their partner's undies) has never had to deal with it...at least not in the light we have.









We're not talking about someone who generously offers or even announces their intentions. We're talking about someone who does it without asking if it's okay to go through another woman's (and her partner's) intimates..even after being asked not to. It's really not about being helpful at that point, but more of being in control, breaking boundaries and refusing to let go of the apron strings. Totally rude and passive-aggressive.

One time my MIL came to stay with us for a few days. She did our laundry after DH asked her not to)=. While rifling through our clothes, she pulled out a piece of lingerie that was mine and left it hanging on a nail in the basement.







:

Needless to say, it really caused friction in our marriage until I was pregnant with DD.... Then, all of a sudden, DH woke up, bc I told him he had to be the one to explain our birthing and parenting choices (so I wouldn't be treated like the bad guy). He got tired of being treated like a child. MIL doesn't do our laundry anymore without asking.

If he hadn't done that, though, I would have put a stop to things by doing my ILs laundry when we visited next, and when confronted (FIL would have had a cow) I'd pretend I was just kindly returning a favor. I think they would have got the point.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

i would also be happy, andI have had a MIL do it before. My first husband's mother would come clean, and that never bothered me. It did bother me when she would come over to make breakfast without calling or asking what my plans were. so I get it if she is forcing it on you, but if you need her to watch the kids and expect her to just sit there and do nothing but entertain your kid for three hours- that kinda sucks for her too.

I have babysat for others in their homes and find it really hard to not do chores.

I, even as a mother to two, do NOT enjoy playing with babies or children for three hours straight. Id go mad.

i include my kids in chores, they help out with laundry and what not.... so when i was stuck at my friends house with three kids- one of them mine, I did dishes and laundry... she acted thankful... it was all I could do to stay sane.... hmmm. I wonder if there is a post around here about me


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## nj's_mom (Jan 13, 2009)

Ugh. I have the same issue. Our laundry machine is broken so I ask to use IL's ... bring my laundry over in advance make clear (while being polite and gracious) that I am coming back to do it thank you very much ... come back to find it DONE including my underwear







I hate knowing that she knows what color my undies are! As kiddish as that sounds .... the only resolution for ME is to go to the laundromat.

In your situation, I would ask her pretty please, leave the laundry to me. GL!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

My MIL does our laundry sometimes when she visits. I used to find it upsetting but now I find it helpful... in my family if someone did that it was resentfully, but it's not the case with her.

When I was helping a family member with a newborn recently I did the laundry for them. I just realized now I didn't ask. I guess I just wanted to be helpful and it was something I could do without really taking a lot of time away from the baby.


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## mamachelle (Jul 24, 2009)

I completely understand how this can drive you crazy. My mom does the same thing with us. We moved 5 hrs away because I felt like I needed to get away from her for a million reasons, but then we had our DD and now she visits us every single month. And when she is here she cleans constantly. I will make our apartment spotless before she shows up, way cleaner than it usually is, and still she will find things to clean, she will move stuff around, etc. I tell her not to, I tell her to stop cleaning, and she doesn't listen. She makes me feel like a lazy mom because she somehow has energy to clean nonstop and in every spare moment of the day go out and do errands, take DD outside, move around all our stuff, etc.. I'm always exhausted trying to keep up with her. It absolutely drives DH insane. Sometimes I have fantasies about moving much farther away, but DH is close to his family so he doesn't want to. Well I know I need to do something about this, but the only way to get her to sit still for a second and listen to you is to actually yell, which I just can't bring myself to do.
I hope your MIL is more reasonable and that you can talk to her about it without much fuss.


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## valerie mom of 4 (Jul 9, 2009)

My mom does the same thing when she comes to our house.She cooks, cleans, does the laundry and the dishes..It drives me nuts but then again, it gives me a break


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

I think typically people want to be/feel helpful. So they do things that they think will be helpful, clean, do laundry, fix stuff. I know I am always antsy at other people's homes because I don't know what to do with myself so yea sometimes I wash dishes and such.

I get not wanting people to touch your underwear (kinda) my issue is not "sexy" but "bloody" but I live in a house with 7 people (my partner, our kid, and then 4 other adults who are not related to us but whom we love and live with) so lots of people wash the dishes, sweep, mop, move laundry from the washer to the dryer etc. So it doesn't really bother me.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Just give me a few minutes to hide my dirty underwear, then send her over to my house, she's very welcome


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## skylarsmom08 (Aug 17, 2008)

this same issue (well, kind of...mine's the dishes) has finally come to a head with me and my MIL. I've asked her a hundred times not to do them and she continues to do them EVERY time she comes over.
Well, I finally snapped and we had a HUGE blow up which has put my husband in a very stressful situation.
Since hindsight is 20/20, my advice is to have your husband talk to her and ask her to not clean your house. Tell him to make her understand it is BOTH your wishes and while you both appreciate her help, you would rather be the one taking care of it.
Good luck!


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I would love help instead of the useless advice I do get







:But, where is your little one while she does this? Does she spend time with them?

What would I do:

MAKE A TO DO LIST


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

I was wondering, is the laundry in a laundry room? Maybe you could keep your personal dirty laundry in a hamper in your room and mention that you appreciate all her effort but would prefer to do your personal laundry yourself? I do my mom's and stepdad's laundry when I'm visiting and my mom is appreciative...

When I was away earlier this summer, my male friend did about 10 loads of laundry for me... washed, dried, folded!!! I was in SHOCK!!! I felt a little uneasy about him seeing my personal wash, but overall GRATEFUL that I didn't come home to the huge pile of dirty laundry!!

I notice that older women in church groups and whatnot who gather around members of the congregation during times of need (my friend's recent birth of twins, for instance), they do what they know... cook & clean & change nappies... it makes them feel useful whereas playing with a baby for 3 hours while mom worked might not...

I do understand your boundary issues, but when my children are grown and have babies, I'm sure I will want to lighten the load because I know how overwhelming it can be with work and babies and a household to take care of... I would hope they or their partners wouldn't think that I was out of place...

However, if it bothers you, then I agree with the abover poster about gently guiding her toward activities that you would appreciate and delicately pointing out what you would prefer her not to do...


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I too would love to have my MIL babysit and do household chores.

If I were the op I would assume that MIL is just trying to be helpful. If I needed her to babysit for me, I would accept that some cleaning and laundry would be done too. Hide the unmentionables!!!!


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## moxygirl (Jun 23, 2009)

I wouldn't want my MIL doing my laundry/cleaning but that's only because I'm unbelievably anal about how these things get done. Otherwise I'm sure I'd be thrilled.

That said, if YOU don't want her to do it, or there are other issues that make it unpalatable, I'd just tell her to stop, as firmly as you need to to make it clear you mean it. Or get your DH to do it. If she keeps treading on your boundaries, get a different babysitter.

Is this an issue between you and your MIL or is it about your husband being too attached to his family (unhealthily attached)?


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## baglady (Jul 13, 2009)

If it's coming from a place of control, then I get why it would bother you. Whenever my mom comes over she looks the house up and down and says, "Do you need me to mop or sweep or clean something?" So annoying. I wish I could type tone of voice to give you all the full mom treatment. On the other hand, my mother in law stayed with us after DS was born and did some housekeeping which didn't bother me at all, because I knew it came from a loving place.

I'm trying to let the mom stuff bother me less. At the end of the day it is one less thing I have to do regardless of intent. I joked with DH the other day that the next time my mom babysits I'm leaving cleaning fluid and sponges out on the counters of the bathrooms. LOL.

The only thing you can do is have the laundry done before she gets there, but, if she's like I think she is, she'll probably find some other housework to do just to bother you.

Interesting that you said you didn't know you'd be marrying the whole family. I've been trying to explain this to my younger sister.


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I'm sorry that you're unhappy with the arrangement but I can't really relate. I would be over the moon if someone did my dishes, laundry and vacuumed for me WHILE babysitting. *sigh*

I sort of see your point, but if she's not critiizing you and is just genuninely trying to help ease your load, I think you should graciously accept.

My two cents.









:


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

It not only sounds like she is trying to be helpful, it also may just be what she is used to.

It is like a way of life for that generation to keep busy while watching children, at least from all the older people in my life. They like to keep busy. And being a mom, it seems like a "normal" function for her to be cleaning the house while watching the children.

So, unless it really is just a control issue, I would say to try and enjoy it. Just tuck away any "special" laundry you may not want her to do.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I agree w/ the pp who said maybe she's bored. My SIL is the least helpful person in the world, but when she watched my DS while I was having DS2 she tried to do some laundry (couldn't because I was all caught up). After a couple of hours with a 3 y/o she was bored I assume, and that would have been something easy to do. It's the only time she's ever offered to do anything. So IMO the cleaning might not be about power.

I know you don't want to hear this OP, but I would be THRILLED to have any relative babysit, additional cleaning would send me into a state of blissful shock.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Most likely, MIL is just trying to be helpful. If you haven't yet told her that it bothers you to have her do your laundry, then you need to tell her. Just let her know that you're picky about how laundry is washed and/or you like your privacy about what kind of clothes you all wear. If she's a normal, healthy person, she'll stop as soon as she knows it bothers you.

However, if you've already told her not to do your laundry, and she continues to do so, THEN she's overstepping boundaries. You might want her to babysit at her own house in the future so she can't mess up your house or snoop on you. Or maybe you don't want her babysitting at all (keep her to supervised visits only with the grandkids) if she truly has no respect for personal boundaries- if she ignores your requests about the house, will she also ignore your requests about how to care for the children? Will she feed them foods you've told her not to feed them?

But I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's a manipulative, controlling, disrespectful person based on what you've told us in the OP. My first assumption is that she's just trying to be nice, and will stop doing your laundry as soon as you ask her to.


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## Farmin' with Baby (Jul 6, 2009)

Thanks for all the conversation. I think I needed to just hear like someone was listening. That's part of the biggest problem with MIL. She refuses to listen. And listen in the big way we all want to be listened to...I mean she refuses to see me as me.

Another thing she does: buy me cleaning products. Without joking, I have 8 spare packs of vaccuum cleaner bags. I actually hand out buckets of sponges, softscrub, and costco size dish detergent to our farm workers (who have cabins on our land) because I have so much backstock. I was given (no joke) a dish scrubber for mother's day. This would be funny if it didn't make me so angry.

I have told MIL more than once that it is totally inappropriate for her to buy us cleaning supplies. We're perfectly capable of doing it on our own. ("Oh but you're so busy" she says.) And it's not just that but she buys the largest size of the nastiest chemical stuff you could dream of. She's actually burned holes in several of our clothes from dripping bleach on them. She's _so_ paranoid about germs...and about everything.

This is a good one: when we went on a short vacation last winter, we weren't going to lock up the house (I don't even have a key...we live in a friendly rural area and DH's grandpa was going to be by to feed our dog every day anyway) but she _insisted_ that we lock up because she was certain someone was going to break in and start a meth lab in our basement. That's what she told us.

She's continually asking when DD's next doctor appointment is and are they going to check for this or that (she can't feel good unless something is wrong so that she can worry about it and then fix it.)

I could go on. It'd be laughable if it didn't suck so much. The real issue is the difficulty I have in communicating to her, in finding my voice to stick up for myself. In claiming my house as my own, and my daughter as my own now, and not hers. (She's 4 mo and the first grandkid and the first great grandkid.) To make it all worse, I have very little social outlet besides DH's family. Not just his mom in the area, but also his mother's parents, and his dad and stepmom (who are slightly cooler). When I had a friend visiting for a week, helping on the farm and helping babysit, MIL actually had the balls to write me a letter telling me she "didn't have a good feeling about that girl Natania."







:

My DH (bless his heart) said he'd write her a letter this week laying down the boundaries and then we'll sit down with her on Friday and talk about it. What I hate the most is that I know we'll sit down together and I'll completely lose my voice and be unable to speak up for myself! I'm not a shy or passive person in other situations. Why do I let myself get so bullied by her!! It's just her unflinching fake front she puts up all the time! What's the point of even trying to talk to that!

I wish we could move far, far away. Like close to my own mother. But it's DH's family that has the farm, and this is where we are.

On good days I can see the humor in it and, yes, even be grateful that my laundry gets done. But on some days, I'm dealing with so much anger at being so invaded... I'm seriously thinking I'm going to have to go back into counseling to work this one over.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Like everyone else, I'd be thrilled.

But, do you feel like her doing the laundry is a sign of disapproval, like she doesn't feel that you can do it? Or that she still sees your DH as her baby?

Have you asked her to stop or why she does it?

If you really want her to stop, can you do all the laundry on Thursday?


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I had issues with this when ds and I first moved in with dp. Dp's parents were used to coming over and cleaning for him and doing his laundry and stuff. The first time I came home and all my/our laundry was clean and folded on the couch... it really weirded me out. I don't need my future in-laws seeing my thongs, ya know? I told dp I was weirded out, he talked to his parents, it's not been an issue since. Of course, new issues pop up all the time, but laundry/dishes/etc are no longer an issue.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Nasty chemical cleaning supplies, and dripping bleach that burns holes in your clothes are all very good reasons to want your MIL to stay far away from your laundry. I think most people thought she was just using your own chosen laundry detergent and washing them in an appropriate manner which is a different situation.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 

On good days I can see the humor in it and, yes, even be grateful that my laundry gets done. But on some days, I'm dealing with so much anger at being so invaded... I'm seriously thinking I'm going to have to go back into counseling to work this one over.

I'm with you. I am SO with you!!! My late mil drove me completely CRAZY with that kind of overbearing, controlling, obsessive, neurotic, psycho crap. Laundry, dishes, micromanaging the kids, etc. She wouldn't let my ds talk to me on the phone in another room because she was afraid the phone would get lost or something absurd. (He was 7!) He is an active kid and jumps around a lot. She was forever yelling at him that he'd break her glasses. Um, that would require your glasses to be off your face and on the floor. My daughter hated sleeping over at her house because they were only allowed 2 inches of bath water at 5 and 7 yrs old. Also, she BATHED them at those ages, even after I told her they could bathe themselves! She had ppl thinking I needed all kinds of help parenting the kids, indicated that I was inept as a person, and ppl revealed to me recently that I was her "pet project."

The woman died in November 2008 and I, for one, couldn't be happier.

I realize it's a horribly callous thing to say, but when someone drives you that freaking crazy for so many years, you look forward to and enjoy the peace.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

As unhelpful as this may seem, it sounds a lot more like this is just their lifestyle. Living in a tight family grouping on a farm, like in the olden days. When everyone helped everyone and everybodies business was everybodies business. In a way, it is quite like living in a very small town.

Her giving cleaning supplies really sounds like a glitch from her past when they did not have a lot and when you got someone a gift, you made it something they could use. (Not to mention her "facination with germs".)

A bit frustrating, but it really sounds like she is just trying to make you part of the "family". If you are not used to that level of involvement from family, it could be hard to get used to.

I may be totally off base here, but I would try and figure out a way to compromise a bit rather than fight it so much (as it seems you may be doing).

You have the son, the first grandchild, the first greatgrandchild. It does not really seem like they are excluding you from the family (as I have seen in some close families). But just that they are wanting to be closely involved with your family, as they see you and your children as just an extention of their family.

I hope I am making myself clear. In my head I can see it all, but for some reason, my fingers don't really want to make the words come out clearly today.


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## moxygirl (Jun 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
Thanks for all the conversation. I think I needed to just hear like someone was listening. That's part of the biggest problem with MIL. She refuses to listen. And listen in the big way we all want to be listened to...I mean she refuses to see me as me.

Another thing she does: buy me cleaning products. Without joking, I have 8 spare packs of vaccuum cleaner bags. I actually hand out buckets of sponges, softscrub, and costco size dish detergent to our farm workers (who have cabins on our land) because I have so much backstock. I was given (no joke) a dish scrubber for mother's day. This would be funny if it didn't make me so angry.

I have told MIL more than once that it is totally inappropriate for her to buy us cleaning supplies. We're perfectly capable of doing it on our own. ("Oh but you're so busy" she says.) And it's not just that but she buys the largest size of the nastiest chemical stuff you could dream of. She's actually burned holes in several of our clothes from dripping bleach on them. She's _so_ paranoid about germs...and about everything.

This is a good one: when we went on a short vacation last winter, we weren't going to lock up the house (I don't even have a key...we live in a friendly rural area and DH's grandpa was going to be by to feed our dog every day anyway) but she _insisted_ that we lock up because she was certain someone was going to break in and start a meth lab in our basement. That's what she told us.

She's continually asking when DD's next doctor appointment is and are they going to check for this or that (she can't feel good unless something is wrong so that she can worry about it and then fix it.)

I could go on. It'd be laughable if it didn't suck so much. The real issue is the difficulty I have in communicating to her, in finding my voice to stick up for myself. In claiming my house as my own, and my daughter as my own now, and not hers. (She's 4 mo and the first grandkid and the first great grandkid.) To make it all worse, I have very little social outlet besides DH's family. Not just his mom in the area, but also his mother's parents, and his dad and stepmom (who are slightly cooler). When I had a friend visiting for a week, helping on the farm and helping babysit, MIL actually had the balls to write me a letter telling me she "didn't have a good feeling about that girl Natania."







:

My DH (bless his heart) said he'd write her a letter this week laying down the boundaries and then we'll sit down with her on Friday and talk about it. What I hate the most is that I know we'll sit down together and I'll completely lose my voice and be unable to speak up for myself! I'm not a shy or passive person in other situations. Why do I let myself get so bullied by her!! It's just her unflinching fake front she puts up all the time! What's the point of even trying to talk to that!

I wish we could move far, far away. Like close to my own mother. But it's DH's family that has the farm, and this is where we are.

On good days I can see the humor in it and, yes, even be grateful that my laundry gets done. But on some days, I'm dealing with so much anger at being so invaded... I'm seriously thinking I'm going to have to go back into counseling to work this one over.










I thought something like this might be the case, based on the "feel" of your original post. I've had similar issues with my OWN family. I'm glad to hear your husband is on the same page as you.

Just a little advice based on my own experience (take it or leave it): I'd "practice" communicating with her over little things. Saying no or voicing an opinion over things that if she doesn't listen it won't really matter. (I'm not saying to make up things to say no about or to start an argument over things that really aren't important to you. But to pick issues that do matter to you but are things that, if she doesn't listen, it won't drag you down.) I found after doing that with my family that it got easier with time to stand up for myself about the issues that really bothered me. But I had to take time off from my family at first. Can you put some distance, with your DH's help, between you and his family (it sounds like cutting them off completely won't work) for a while? It would give you some space to get grounded.

Best wishes to you. I know working through boundary issues can be really tough.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
Thanks for all the conversation. I think I needed to just hear like someone was listening. That's part of the biggest problem with MIL. She refuses to listen. And listen in the big way we all want to be listened to...I mean she refuses to see me as me.

Another thing she does: buy me cleaning products. Without joking, I have 8 spare packs of vaccuum cleaner bags. I actually hand out buckets of sponges, softscrub, and costco size dish detergent to our farm workers (who have cabins on our land) because I have so much backstock. I was given (no joke) a dish scrubber for mother's day. This would be funny if it didn't make me so angry.

I have told MIL more than once that it is totally inappropriate for her to buy us cleaning supplies. We're perfectly capable of doing it on our own. ("Oh but you're so busy" she says.) And it's not just that but she buys the largest size of the nastiest chemical stuff you could dream of. She's actually burned holes in several of our clothes from dripping bleach on them. She's _so_ paranoid about germs...and about everything.

I think my MIL is your MIL's clone. She's also a germaphobe, buys us cleaning products, and will do our laundry.

I stopped inviting my MIL over. I still let her do my children's laundry though. I won't let her do mine because she has a tendency to use bleach on colors.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I think you should stop letting MIL babysit. Let her come over to visit with the grandbaby when you and/or DH are home, but I wouldn't leave her alone in my house anymore.

With the kind of personality you've described, I'd be seriously worried about her feeding the baby something she's not ready for yet (or giving formula if you're breastfeeding) not to mention- is she exposing the baby to these harsh chemical cleaners?


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## LemonPie (Sep 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I think you should stop letting MIL babysit. Let her come over to visit with the grandbaby when you and/or DH are home, but I wouldn't leave her alone in my house anymore.

With the kind of personality you've described, I'd be seriously worried about her feeding the baby something she's not ready for yet (or giving formula if you're breastfeeding) not to mention- is she exposing the baby to these harsh chemical cleaners?

This. I'd also be concerned about her medicating the baby if she's obsessing over perceived medical problems.


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## plum tree (Aug 23, 2009)

I had a feeling it went deeper than laundry and vacuuming. I hope the conversation on Friday goes well - stick to your guns, mama!


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## Walk Unafraid (Sep 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I think you should stop letting MIL babysit. Let her come over to visit with the grandbaby when you and/or DH are home, but I wouldn't leave her alone in my house anymore.

With the kind of personality you've described, I'd be seriously worried about her feeding the baby something she's not ready for yet (or giving formula if you're breastfeeding) not to mention- is she exposing the baby to these harsh chemical cleaners?

That.

It really sounds like the MIL either has control issues or she is obsessive compulsive (probably both). I know a lot of people here think it's great to have someone clean your house, but I'll reiterate what I've said before... This cleaning thing isn't about the MIL being "nice." It's about her not letting go of control. The big difference between it being nice and controlling is nice people usually ask if they can clean your house-especially the more personal parts of it (like laundry). Nice people respect your wishes when you ask them not to. Nice people don't snoop through your personal items while cleaning for you. Seriously, there have been days I really wanted to booby-trap our medicine cabinets when my MIL comes to visit.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

OP, this is why I live in a different country, far away from my MIL.

While I know she is (mostly) coming from a place of love, the lack of privacy, the lack of boundaries and the lack of respect for MY family and MY house are so, so frustrating.

And I know what you mean about keeping your voice around her. We are conditioned to be polite and respectful, it can be really hard to say "No."

Practice with little things. When DS was 4 months old, the ILs came and lived with us for 6 months. I learned to say no on the little things (like her obsessively putting layers on my son until he was sweaty, because SHE was cold). Eventually I learned how to end conversations with her. Reasoning and explaining don't work, so eventually I'd just end the conversation. "No. We won't be doing that." And leave the room. Or, "We're happy with the way things are." Walk away.

Good luck, you have all my sympathy.


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## ~ Wonderful Life ~ (Apr 14, 2009)

I don't think resentment would be the emotion I would be feeling...I think I would be feeling appreciative.


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## Walk Unafraid (Sep 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~ Wonderful Life ~* 
I don't think resentment would be the emotion I would be feeling...I think I would be feeling appreciative.









Until you've had the experience of having someone do something "nice" for you for not so nice reasons it's really hard to understand.

It's not about the actions, but the motivation and intent. You can tell the difference when someone is doing it to be kind versus when someone is doing it to go through your things or try to take over your life. There is a difference.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

yes yes that changes things...she sounds a little compulsive what with the cleaning supplies and cleaning and such....would it help if you dropped dd off at her house? Does she watch her allt he time or just for an hour here and there or somewhere in the middle? Perhaps there are some errends she could run with dd while she was watching her? some farm chores?


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## hippiemama76 (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evie's Mama* 
It sounds like there must be more to this (back story with issues with her) than what we caught in the first post because I too would be pretty happy!

The only reason I can see this bothering me is if I felt like she had criticized my ability to keep house before and this was a sort of slap in the face that she had to do things that I wasn't doing or didn't have done. If that's the case, I'm sorry! That would be hurtful. Otherwise, I would just try to see it as a gesture of kindness extended to a busy and tired mom.

If my mom did that, I would be thrilled (actually, she does, whenever she visits














. My MIL, not so much. We don't have a good relationship and have a loooooong history of her being critical of me. When she comes to visit, she is constantly rearranging and cleaning - took everything out of my pantry and put it back where _she_ though it should go while I was at the grocery store with my girls. I was very offended by that. We don't have a close relationship. I wouldn't go to an acquaintances house and start deciding that they put their bread on the wrong shelf! It would take us a week to find things after she rearranged!

Finally I asked DH to speak with her, and she has backed off. There's one thing she is right about - the fact that I don't 'take care of' her son. He's a grown man, and we are equal partners, and we take care of ourselves and each other!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

From your later posts I wonder if she actually does have OCD or some other mental illness - which might mean that she is actually not doing it to be aggressive but because she can't stop herself.

It does sound like some boundary setting is important.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

OP I feel for you....but here are my thoughts:

Your MIL sounds like a lonely, neurotic old woman who feels unimportant and uneeded and has to insert herself into your life in silly, frustrating little ways so she can feel a part of something, needed and like she "fis" into this family picture.

I'm a neurotic young woman, who loves to fuss over her family and who derives a great deal of comfort and self esteem through my daily rituals of mothering my youngling, fussing over my darling husband and cooking big meals that fills everyone's bellies nice and full so they sleep peacefully on the beds I wash and fluff up to perfection....filling bellies fills my heart, cleaning my home fills me with pride and being the "go-to" lady around the house, the person who "knows what's best" and all of that jazz....that's my thing, my place in this family.

I have a lot of other things outside of family life which bring me great happiness which are about ME...so there is balance there. But if I didn't have these outside activities...I'd imagine I would be well on my way to becoming the type of older woman your MIL is. It sounds like she probably loved running a house, mothering her children, etc....and then everyone left and she had no one to fuss over and suffocate with her irrational fears about germs, etc....and it looks to me like there is a natural leap to be made between hovering, germaphobe mama and hovering, germaphobe grandmama....

Your little family provides the ultimate opportunity for her to feel important again, to feel like an important part of a family unit...that probably brings her emense comfort.

So. I don't know where that leaves you...this is, after all, your life and you deserve to be left alone to run your home as you wish to...but at the same time...look at her behavior, closely exmamine it. To me, it screams of insecurity and a desperate need to belong and feel important....if you can look closely and see the same things...would it help you at all to maybe reframe this situation....to see her meddling as YOU helping HER, would that be okay at all?

I think for us women with younger children, growing families....it's hard to look down the road and see how much of what is MOST important to us in the prime of our life...just kind of slips away at some point, really with little fan fare or celebration. One moment you are needed in all things at all times....and then slowly needed less, until one day you sort of cease to be that "go to" all-important mama....you look in the mirror, and there is this old woman staring back at you and no one needs your advice anymore, not like they used to....and everyone is off making their own decisions, growing up their own families....and all those messes you used to clean up every day are gone and there are no hand prints on the walls anymore....a family takes a lot of time from us mamas. A lot of time and dedication....and we really tend, I think, to cement our sense of self, our value and identity, in this family....well, one day it goes away.

So....doing the laundry for a family again, shopping for the giant bottles of cleaner you no longer need at your own house...worrying about the influence of a "Strange guest" on the children....fussing over the germs on the clothing...all of these things probably make her feel good.

You need to decide how much of it you're willing to deal with...how much meddling and fussing you can tolerate...and draw your line.

But be gentle...be careful...yes, it's highly irritating and you feel annoyed, etc...but man, I'll tell you something I've learned in my short life on this planet which has served me well to know:

No harm ever came, from humoring the fussy needs of a lonely old woman.

I hope one day when I'm lonely and old and have no one who needs me (REALLY NEEDS me) anymore...that I have a kind, compassionate DIL who won't mind so much if sometimes I borrow some of her family life, just to give me a taste of the old days.

I know some of us are happy when our family grows up...I know some women move to Florida and take up water skiing in their old age and love every moment of "post family" life.....but some of us aren't built that way. Me, my mother, my mothers mom and her mother before that....we're the "work horse" mamas. A little crazy, but meaning well...we need to work to feel happy, work, fuss, fix, chop, sew, sautee, puree, butcher and freeze.....the trappings of family life suite us and old age does NOT...we just don't have enough to keep us busy and, therefore, happy. Maybe your MIL is that same way....

GL. GL and







s


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

My mil did our laundry while babysitting one time. She ruined a few of my things and I asked her not to do it again. Now she spends her time with the kids instead of trying to clean up or do laundry.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

I can see both sides here I think. My MIL is VERY helpful when it comes to stuff like that, but she has never done my laundry. I would politely tell her you can handle the laundry in some sort of way that does not belittle her maybe? I agree, it would weird me out if my laundry was done by someone other than myself (or Dh)


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
But, help me out here, is it wrong to not want my MIL to be folding my DH's socks and underwear? (This is only one thing in a long list of resentments I'm building up but it seems representative.)

When my MIL is up at our house, and doing laundry (because she's the kind of person who has to have all laundry done every day *sigh*) my only rule is that I don't want her IN my underwear drawer.

So she folds my underwear and puts it on top the dresser.


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## mommy2two babes (Feb 7, 2007)

I can totally understand.
When my MIL very occasionally even comes to my house she doesn't clean.

My grandma however does this. I love help cleaning don't get me wrong, so does my Mom.
Several issues though are that she just throws things out, if she thinks tha it is cluttering something out it goes and if you don't notice quickly enough to fish it out of the garbage you are out of luck.

Last winter my Mom threw my coat in the wash with some other things while we were at her house. money and some other stuff from my pockets when on the table. When the coat was dy and I went to retrieve my things Grandma had thown them out.

She does laundry but puts whites and colours together. Puts stuff in the dryer that shouldn't go. Folds stuff indescriminately meaning inside out ect.

To top all of this off she at least used to share with other how messy the house was or that she was cleaning every time she was over.


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## Farmin' with Baby (Jul 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moxygirl* 
Just a little advice based on my own experience (take it or leave it): I'd "practice" communicating with her over little things. Saying no or voicing an opinion over things that if she doesn't listen it won't really matter. (I'm not saying to make up things to say no about or to start an argument over things that really aren't important to you. But to pick issues that do matter to you but are things that, if she doesn't listen, it won't drag you down.) I found after doing that with my family that it got easier with time to stand up for myself about the issues that really bothered me. But I had to take time off from my family at first. Can you put some distance, with your DH's help, between you and his family (it sounds like cutting them off completely won't work) for a while? It would give you some space to get grounded.

This is the best advice. Thank you. It seems overwhelming to try and express everything I'd like to around her, but I could start with things like: do the diapers, but please leave my own laundry basket alone. And do _not_ use anything in the laundry but this particularly soap. Or when she wants to take me shopping for "whatever Jessie needs" I can tell her: you know, if you want to buy Jessie a gift now and again we greatly appreciate that, but we're perfectly capable of buying her the basic things she needs. (I do _not_ want to spend my precious free time shopping with this crazy woman.) And if I get rid of all the cleaning supplies I don't want around, replace them with the things I want, I can probably explain it to her, and even if she won't understand, I think I may be able to get her to do it my way. (So I don't have to air the whole house out after she leaves.)

(The first thing DH and I did after we came home from the birthing center was completely open all the windows the house smelled so strongly of chemicals. MIL thought she'd clean the house for us while we were away in labor. Again, nice thought, wrong action. I guess she needs guidance. And to be reminded again and again and again. And I need to get rid of the lysol, etc she bought so she can't get her hands on it.)

And, I think I am going to call my old counselor again. Much as I dream about moving far far away when I'm upset, that's not going to happen. And I really don't want the bad karmic points of every day wishing she'll just die. I'm hoping my counselor can help me work on the "skills" I need to step up to this.

DH is pretty good about working through the whole thing with me. He had to do it himself and he's come out the other side pretty chill. He says, "You have to give her the exact thing you want from her. You want acceptance. So you have to accept her. That doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you. But you have to just accept that she's a steamroller, and then get prepared to get out of her way, direct her to safe activities, etc."







. It's worth trying I guess.

Thanks for all your support! I know I'm not the only one with MIL issues and it's good to talk it out!


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

I still think she's really trying to help. You can make her feel useful on your terms.

When she goes to the store, ask her to pick something up for you (toilet paper, oatmeal, something easy but something you will use). My grandmother loves buying treats for the kids, so I ask her to pick up fruit. She still feels like she's helping and buying something for her great-grandchildren, but my pantry is no longer full of pop tarts.

When she babysits, ask her for a "favor." Again, make it something helpful but something you're okay with her doing (and maybe something you hate). When my family want to help, I ask them to vacuum and dust because I hate those chores.


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## kermittfrog (Sep 25, 2008)

lucky girl. i would be over the moon to have someone help me out a little so i could spend more time playing with my son and not having to worry about household chores for a few minutes. if your worried about her seeing his socks and shorts ? she saw them till you guys got married. if your worried about her seeing yours? the way i look at is shes got panties. she knows what they look like. if its the way she folds ? show her the way you prefer ? i hate that i married hy husbands family too but i love him so much ill take the not so good with the good. and after all he did get stuck with my sister and parents too ....


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

do the diapers, but please leave my own laundry basket alone.
No, it's all or nothing. How rude to say she can clean dirty diapers, but leave the "cleaner" laundry to you.







:

Have the laundry, housecleaning and dishes done prior to her arrival.

Get rid of all the cleaning products you don't want in the house, replace them with safe alternatives and put a lock on the cabinet where you keep these items (and any othe cabinets, as well). Tell her that you are making things safe for the baby. Do not give her the key. If she buys more of the things you don't want, IMMEDIATELY, ask her for the receipt and return them to the store and give her the money back.

Better to take her shopping with you and show her the brands you DO want. Then, when she goes shopping, at least you've SHOWN her the brands you and your husband want in the house. Make sure you husband goes with you and makes it clear, as well. It is HIS Mother, he needs to be involved in all this discord, as well.

If you want her to babysit, make sure the clothes are put away, the house dusted and vacuumed, and the dishes in the cabinets/drawers, she can spend her time watching the baby.

If you can't do that, then tell her she doesn't need to babysit anymore, that you appreciated her doing it for awhile.

A couple of questions:

How old is your mil?

Quote:

...But it's DH's family that has the farm, and this is where we are.

Quote:

...our farm workers (who have cabins on our land)

Quote:

This is a good one: when we went on a short vacation last winter, we weren't going to lock up the house (I don't even have a key...we live in a friendly rural area and DH's grandpa was going to be by to feed our dog every day anyway) but she _insisted_ that we lock up because she was certain someone was going to break in and start a meth lab in our basement. That's what she told us.
So, do you live on your in-laws property? Do you own your home, totally independent of your in-laws (your name on the mortgage/title)?

If not, she has every right to insist that you lock the house (I hardly think insisting you lock the house when you'll be gone for a vacation is worth getting all worked-up over). Maybe meth labs aren't a worry but, you need to be realistic, even friendly rural areas have burglaries (and, insurance companies aren't real happy about paying on a claim for a non-forced entry). A lock is an easy and inexpensive.

Quote:

She's continually asking when DD's next doctor appointment is and are they going to check for this or that (she can't feel good unless something is wrong so that she can worry about it and then fix it.)
Tell her you just went to an appointment and everything is fine, the doctor said he'd/she'd never seen such a happy, healthy child and that you don't need to come back for a year unless needed. EXCEPT: tell her that the doctor has serious concerns about the chemicals in the house and that you can't have anything to clean with other than vinegar, baking soda and other "green" products. Many older people won't listen to what their children say, but swear by what the folks in the white coats tell them.

I was so fortunate. I had the best mil (I called her Mom2, as she was so like my Mom). She died on Christmas day several years ago. I think of her everyday and miss her so much, especially as I see my own Mom crumbling.









AverysMomma said:

Quote:

_But be gentle...be careful...yes, it's highly irritating and you feel annoyed, etc...but man, I'll tell you something I've learned in my short life on this planet which has served me well to know:

No harm ever came, from humoring the fussy needs of a lonely old woman.

I hope one day when I'm lonely and old and have no one who needs me (REALLY NEEDS me) anymore...that I have a kind, compassionate DIL who won't mind so much if sometimes I borrow some of her family life, just to give me a taste of the old days.

I know some of us are happy when our family grows up...I know some women move to Florida and take up water skiing in their old age and love every moment of "post family" life.....but some of us aren't built that way. Me, my mother, my mothers mom and her mother before that....we're the "work horse" mamas. A little crazy, but meaning well...we need to work to feel happy, work, fuss, fix, chop, sew, sautee, puree, butcher and freeze.....the trappings of family life suite us and old age does NOT...we just don't have enough to keep us busy and, therefore, happy. Maybe your MIL is that same way...._
That is beautiful.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Farmin' with Baby* 
I was given (no joke) a dish scrubber for mother's day.

I was all on board with the "Don't be uptight, let her clean for ya!" crowd until I read this.

Honestly, I would have refused to speak to her or have her in my home if my MIL did that. Good that your dh is planning to talk to her. Don't be shy, yourself.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

My MIL sometimes helps with our laundry when she is here. It doesn't bother me, but it is because of the manner in which she does it... she genuinely wants to help us, and doesn't know many ways to do so, now that we are "grown up." I appreciate it, since that's the spirit of her doing it.

However, she does it when we are all home (including me














. I would be miffed if she was doing that instead of engaging with the kids during a period of time shen she was babysitting.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Maybe you can get all of the ingredients together for natural, healthy cleaners. Then, ask for her to make them up for you (give her a book about cleaning with essential oils). Then, she can occupy herself by making the kinds of cleaners that you're ok with. Maybe give her articles about different products that she's bought and why they aren't healthy to have in your house...maybe an article about how clean houses lead to allergies. If you're stuck with her and she needs to clean and feel useful, then you'll have to play her game...but better.









Don't allow bleach or those other cleaners in your house...PERIOD. Then, get all of the replacements and give her a list of what's ok to use. REad up on the chemicals and share the info with MIL.

I find that ECOS products work really well. I love their detergent and get it cheap at Costco. I make my own handsoaps (and other stuff) using Dr. Bronners lavender soap. I just put some soap and water in a pump bottle and place it near the sink. Dr. Bronners Peppermint soap might give her the impression of cleaning with chemicals, so she might clean and mop with that.

Have NO medications in the house...no tylenol, nothing....unless you have tylenol for yourself hidden somewhere. Tell her that the baby is to have NO medications or have some hylands stuff available for teething pain or whatever so that MIL has a safe option for when she's watching the baby and thinks that the baby "needs" something.

Good luck. I can sympathize. I moved overseas to be near my husbands family and that lasted all of 6 months before I was a depressed mess. We moved back costing us about 20,000 in moving fees. But so worth it to not have that insanity.


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## Farmin' with Baby (Jul 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98* 
A couple of questions:

How old is your mil?

So, do you live on your in-laws property? Do you own your home, totally independent of your in-laws (your name on the mortgage/title)?


Just to clarify, we live on the same land as and farm with dh's father and stepmother. They are much cooler, and when dh's SM babysits she can doit at her house, which keeps tensions down. she's never had kids and soismuch more willing to take guidance from me.

MIL lives an hour away but will drive up at the drop of a hat. She's 64. Right now she sits every friday for 3 hours but we may cut that back to every other week.

As I've learned working with employees, a lot of problems that seem interpersonal are often just structural. Look now it's myself giving me advice.


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## east carolina (Apr 5, 2006)

I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I would be super polite about it, but I'd tell her to stop doing our laundry and buying us cleaning products we don't need.

Good luck, she sounds like a piece of work.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkymamajoy* 
I still think she's really trying to help. You can make her feel useful on your terms.

When she goes to the store, ask her to pick something up for you (toilet paper, oatmeal, something easy but something you will use). My grandmother loves buying treats for the kids, so I ask her to pick up fruit. She still feels like she's helping and buying something for her great-grandchildren, but my pantry is no longer full of pop tarts.

When she babysits, ask her for a "favor." Again, make it something helpful but something you're okay with her doing (and maybe something you hate). When my family want to help, I ask them to vacuum and dust because I hate those chores.


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Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom* 
Maybe you can get all of the ingredients together for natural, healthy cleaners. Then, ask for her to make them up for you (give her a book about cleaning with essential oils). Then, she can occupy herself by making the kinds of cleaners that you're ok with. .

I agree with these two ideas.


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