# DH wants to try CIO - I need a way to convince him it's wrong



## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Well that about sums it up. Lately dd has been going to bed pretty well, but not sleeping well. She's been waking up all night long, fussing, and being a general pain. (You've no doubt read about all of it in other posts)

Anyway, DH wants to have her CIO so that she will learn to self-soothe and I just think it's wrong. She's only 5 mos old and I feel very strongly that she will learn to self-soothe when she's ready. I don't like that she keeps waking up, of course, but I don't see what CIO is going to do that would be beneficial.

Long story short, we have very different views on this and keep arguing about it. I keep telling him to research more sites/books and he is resistant.

What can I do so that we are on the same page? Or at least an amiable compromise?


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

We had this discussion about 6 years ago and decided to let ds CIO with dh b/c that's what everyone told us to do. So, I hid in the basement and 5 mins later they both came downstairs and dh was in tears and said that was the most horrible thing he'd ever done.
So, we've happily coslept since although they've been on the "big boy bed" next to ours for the last couple of years.

So, I have no advice but maybe have him consider what CIO actually means physically. Would he be able to sit and watch????


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

What would you say if he wanted to hit her to teach her to sleep? Just absolutely put your foot down. Make him understand how horrible it is.

She is JUST 5 months. A baby. A young baby. She is not being a pain. She is being a baby.

-Angela


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Yes - it doesn't bother him nearly as much to listen to her cry.

And yes, I have told him I don't find it acceptable, it is one of our major points of contention within the relationship. I am tired of the arguing - I want us to be able to agree on this and it just seems like we can't. Our house is more and more stressful come bedtime every night and it seems to me like he is going to end up being an unwilling participant in the nighttime routine because he disagrees with my methods.

Maybe we just have to agree to disagree .... but really, any suggestions would be so helpful.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

First I would try to figure out why your little one is in pain, I do know that cry too well, it's heartbreaking. if you identify that cry as pain, it problably is









If I were in the same situation I would simply say that " i'm going to follow my instincts that god gave me when I became a mother" It feels wrong to just let her cry, she's crying because she needs (comforting, fed, etc...) and stick to my guns. If that didn't work, I think DH could CIO everynight on the couch


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kailey's mom* 
First I would try to figure out why your little one is in pain, I do know that cry too well, it's heartbreaking. if you identify that cry as pain, it problably is









Yes. Usually she is crying because she needs to be parented to sleep. She can fall asleep but she really needs one of us to help her.

Do I love it? (Okay, yes, sometimes I do) Not always. But I can't see how it's right to do it any other way.

I feel in a way that it undermines dh's role to say that as a mother I know best - even if it is true. I do not plan on conceding my point, but I want us to be on the same side with this issue because it is so big.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nylecoj* 
Yes. Usually she is crying because she needs to be parented to sleep. She can fall asleep but she really needs one of us to help her.

She's only 5 months old. Hate to break it to you, but it's likely she'll need to be parented to sleep for another 2 years.

-Angela


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## Rico'sAlice (Mar 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kailey's mom* 
If that didn't work, I think DH could CIO everynight on the couch









That was my thought when reading the thread title! If he wants to be left alone in a room to cry, I don't see any problem with it.









But more seriously, if he's not willing to do the research I think you just have to be MamaBear and veto his suggestion.









ETA- Also, any chance of finding out where DH gets his expectations of 5mo sleep behavoir? Maybe he just needs someone to tell him that your daughter is perfectly normal and that a BABY needing help/comfort to fall asleep does not mean that you guys are "failing." KWIM?


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Is she in bed with you? Will she nurse to sleep? Can she latch on by herself?

Can you get her nursing before she starts crying?

good luck!

-Angela


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
She's only 5 months old. Hate to break it to you, but it's likely she'll need to be parented to sleep for another 2 years.

-Angela

Alegna is right. I feel like saying "Congratulations it's a girl!" when I read posts like this. I don't mean to be snarky or offensive, and I know that you probably are getting all sorts of what I would consider bad advice from people who think babies should be in their own room and sleeping through the night on their own. But really, this is what parenting is. You don't get to punch out your time card at any hour of the day, it's a 24/7 job.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

I feel like I'm being unclear or something ....

_Of course_ she needs to be parented to sleep - she's a small baby, and that's what babies need. *I* know this - *I've* done the research.

Nobody I know is saying the baby should be able to sleep on her own, all night long or anything of that sort, EXCEPT DH.

Where he gets his expectations? I think because he read "What to Expect During the First Year" and because we have a couple of friends who have kids - literally a couple. One of them has a set of twins who comfort each other, and the other did CIO. He definitely needs someone to point out to him that children need to be parented to sleep - because somehow I am not swaying his opinion.

Perhaps I wasn't clear, but what I am looking for is a way to change his thinking about the subject so that we are a team. Dh is a wonderful man and I respect him enormously. Doesn't mean we don't have our differences and it doesn't mean I'll just roll over and let him do something I think hurts our child.

Also doesn't mean I won't stop looking for a way for him to truly be on board with parenting dd to sleep.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rico'sAlice* 
But more seriously, if he's not willing to do the research I think you just have to be MamaBear and veto his suggestion.









Yeah, sounds like this might be the only option. And I'm doing that, but man, I wish it wasn't a fight ... ya know?


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## mothragirl (Sep 10, 2005)

maybe try explaining that when a baby CIO, they aren't "self soothing" (i HATE that term), they're giving up on anyone meeting their needs. realizing that they can scream for help but no one will come to them. doesn't sound very soothing to me?


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Yeah I agree, if he won't even listen or look into other options I would just put your foot down and say, "Sorry honey, but this is not something I am willing to compromise on."

Oh and by the way, even though my son is 3 years old, I still once in a while look at DP and say to him, "Congratulations, it's a boy, you're a parent." Especially when he just doesn't get things like this.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Is your doctor, baby's ped, ob etc.. against CIO, if not..maybe find a health care professional that is (call ahead)? if so next visit bring up that your baby is still crying at night etc..and make sure DH is with you so he can ask ?'s and get facts about CIO.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 

Oh and by the way, even though my son is 3 years old, I still once in a while look at DP and say to him, "Congratulations, it's a boy, you're a parent." Especially when he just doesn't get things like this.

Hahaha! That is perfect. I'm gonna try using it.

Thanks for listening and offering suggestions - I really appreciate it.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Does he not love and respect YOU enough to take your word on this? Does he not love and respect you enough to do some reseach if he can't take your word?

As for books- try Sears. I'm not sure though.

-Angela


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## Rico'sAlice (Mar 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nylecoj* 
Where he gets his expectations? I think because he read "What to Expect During the First Year" and because we have a couple of friends who have kids - literally a couple. One of them has a set of twins who comfort each other, and the other did CIO. He definitely needs someone to point out to him that children need to be parented to sleep - because somehow I am not swaying his opinion.

That's what I was thinking. Is there _anyone_ else in your lives that he respects and is AP that could drop a casual comment about their non-CIO'd kid's sleep patterns?


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

If he's not willing to be an active participant in the learning process that is part of being a parent, I'm not sure anything anyone says will change his mind.

We're not trying to be snarky or argumentative, I guess we're confused as to why having him on your side is so important to you when it seems obvious in your post that it's not at all important to him. So if it's not important enough to your partner, then do what you think is best! Yes, pull the mom card out and flash it around.

There are a few things that I couldn't care less if DP agrees with me about and CIO is one of them. Breastfeeding, homebirth, vaxs, circ, gentle discipline and co-sleeping are the others.


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## misseks (Jan 12, 2005)

One thing I said to MIL on the subject was:

I wouldn't let dh cry in a room by himself, and he is an adult with coping abilities. We don't let people in our family cry for help and not go to them. That is how we show love for one another.

Duh.


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## taterbug1999 (May 5, 2006)

Another point is that she may be cutting teeth. My ds has always been restless at night when he was cutting teeth and that started for us around 6 os. And finally ended last month with the last of his two year molars. But you could always play on his heart strings and tell him that she is his "daddy's little girl" and that as frustrating as it might be at times she really needs him close too. And remind him that he will cherish these times when she's 16 and has a boyfriend! Sometimes they are lacking that mommy vibe and mention the CIO thing though ( I know my hubbie has said it too) but I didn't argue I just simply said "It ain't happening, no way no how" He can't argue very well with someone who is not open to having their opinion changed. So his choice would be either to get on board or get on the couch.....


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

They're not learning to self soothe, they're learning that the beings upon whom they are entirely dependent for their survival don't come when they are called. It teaches them that they cannot count on or trust those who are supposed to love and protect them. I believe these basic trust issues last a lifetime. I worked for a psychiatrist one time who believed strongly that the problem many of his patients had with sleep issues could be traced back to being left to CIO.

I agree with a pp - this is an issue on which I would not budge. He can go sleep in another room if he must. I would no sooner smack a 5mo than I would leave them to cry alone in the dark.


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## eightyferrettoes (May 22, 2005)

I think that if I were really interested in getting him on your side, I'd get some books and _read them to him._ Cuz I know men don't read parenting books.









Like sitting around the house, you comment, "Well, listen, Dr. Sears says.... 'blah blah blah' [insert pertinent brief passage] about developing sleep patterns."

I think that a lot of people, especially dads, need some sort of theoretical/intellectual/philosophical grounds to object to CIO on, and for him to fully understand your principled objection to it (which probably strikes him as merely indulgent or irrational right now) he'd have to understand the intellectual background from which you are approaching this issue. Which he probably has no inkling about.

To him, he just wants the kid to sleep like a decent human being, and his wife to come back, and he is told by people he knows and respects that CIO is the way to accomplish those goals.

Some of the PPs suggestions would totally strike me the wrong way if I were diagreeing with DH about a parenting issue-- I don't like being talked to like an idiot, even if I'm sort of being one.









And yeah, he's going to meet a lot of parents, even GOOD parents (!) IRL who swear by CIO, in some form or fashion. If he's a stubborn sort, he's going to merely dig his heels in if you talk to him like he's a dumbass. And that's not gonna be real productive, lol.

Plus, if you and he don't get on the same page about this, I think it's going to be hard for you to trust each other as parents... which seems like a worse fate than CIO, even.

JMO.







Good luck!


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## ani'smommy (Nov 29, 2005)

Here is what worked here:

Dh was never really in favor of CIO, but there were times when he definately wanted to do it. Sometimes it would take a very very long time to get DD to sleep and he thought that if we did CIO, it would save us hours and hours of trying to get her to sleep. But the thing about CIO is that you have to do it over and over again. When you first start you have to do several nights of CIO. Then over time your baby invariabley has teething pain, gets sick, ect, and will not go to sleep on her own. After she's better, you will have to do it again.

I had a friend who let her baby CIO, and claimed that since they let her CIO that she always slept through the night. When her baby was about 18 months, she bought a pair of earplugs because they STILL had to let that poor girl CIO. It is NOT an easy fix and it is not easy for you OR your baby.

Also, I have always tried to get DH to read about parenting and he never would do it, so here is what we did. DH is an avid reader, just not interested in parenting stuff. So I agreed to read whatever he wanted me to read and he would have to read the same number of pages of whatever I wanted him to read. It has worked out really well so far. Also, try printing articles and putting them in the bathroom.
















This must be so hard for you!


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

I don't see why you should have to do all the work to convince him. If he wants to have a harmonious home then he should be willing to try to understand your POV.

I would sit him down and explain that it's a non-negotiable and he can either try to understand WHY or he can resent you for the next 2 years. The choice is his.

I think by frantically researching and throwing information at him you are letting him off the hook too easily. This is a very important part of parenting (CIO/no CIO) and he can't just sit back and be uneducated about it.

By not being willing to consider your POV he is being disrespectful and a little unkind, IMO.










Any idea what's causing the waking (besides the fact that she's 5 months old)? Has she always been like this?


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## sarahwpen (May 9, 2007)

I agree with the teething thing. When mine were about 5 or 6 months they would get soooo cranky especially at night and wake up over and over. It always took a couple of nights before I would realize the problem. Get some baby orajel and keep it on your nightstand, and a bottle or sippy cup of ice water. When they wake up and cry get a little dot of the orajel on your finger and rub it on her gums, if she is still hurting or won't nurse then give her the ice water and she will probably take a good drink then go right to sleep. Mine would wake up a lot less during teething when we tried this.

I don't think crying it out will help any either. Whenever my dh would suggest it I would simply say "why?, we would just be up longer that way!" and if he got crabby about it i would suggest he go sleep on the couch or on the bottom bunk in dd's room.

I do think you have to be firm and let them cry if they won't cooperate sometimes, but never alone, and only after you have tried everything and determined that they really aren't hurting or needing anything, that they are just being picky or don't WANT to do what you're trying to get them too.


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## DigitalSuze (Dec 20, 2005)

Will he read this?

http://askdrsears.com/html/5/t051200.asp#T051205


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## wflcpw (Dec 4, 2006)

Personally, I wouldn't leave it up to him at all. I would find a bed for you and dd and leave him in his room in his bed to himself. This is what I did. He gets uninterupted sleep, since that is important to him and not me, and I get to nighttime parent. I strongly believe parenting doesn't end at 8:00 p.m. This has alleviated any contention and we are a much happier family. (And yes, we still have time to be a couple







) Win-Win.
Just so you know, my children needed nighttime parenting for a long time.....like 5 years. But it really is a blink, really. I have a 13, 12, 8 year old and an 8 month old babe....all parented at night. and my oldest 3 - EXCELLENT sleepers!!!


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## Nan'sMom (May 23, 2005)

This is one of those issues that I have made it clear that there is no room for compromise, as it would seriously impact my childrens' emotional well-being (as well as mine!)--although my dh has never even considered it as a possibility. There's a lot written about how harmful it is out there, although I don't have any links handy. I would remain calm and friendly about it and educate him, but make it clear that you will continue to protect your baby.

BTW, my dh is a light sleeper and works long hours, so I bunk in with the nurslings and for now, he sleeps in his own bed. That way everyone gets his/her needs met.

Best of luck!!!!!!!


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## Nan'sMom (May 23, 2005)

Oh, just read that you have the What to Expect book. A relative gave us a copy. After hearing me muttering about it one too many times, dh threw it out. It has so much garbage in it. Try the Sears baby book instead. It's way more helpful and sensible. Rather mainstream in some areas in my opinion, but that also gives it authority in some peoples' eyes.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eightyferrettoes* 
I think that if I were really interested in getting him on your side, I'd get some books and _read them to him._ Cuz I know men don't read parenting books.

They do if you take all the other reading material out of the bathroom.


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## crwilson (Mar 13, 2007)

I completely understand why you want your husband to agree with you. It doesn't mean that you aren't ultimately going to put your foot down, but it makes life a whole lot easier if he agrees with parenting choices, especially this one. I can also sympathize with your dh because if he's getting the "Just let her cry it out" from all sides, it seems like an easy solution to the problem, and the long-term goal seems to justify the means. And, culturally, many people seem to believe that babies are "just babies" and don't deserve respect. Is it possible for you to have a conversation with your husband where you find out why he wants to let dd CIO? Is it just an issue of sleep? Is he worried dc is going to be "spoiled"? Is he feeling like he needs more time with you? Does he worry about his own parenting abilities and think that's the "right" thing to do? Maybe he feels insecure about how to comfort dd at night and so feels helpless. Whenever my dh is being unreasonable, it usually turns out that there's some sort of underlying issue, and if we get to that, we can usually come to some sort of agreement.

One analogy that I've found helpful with people (especially MIL/FIL) is this: When you are elderly and perhaps even confined to bed, and I am taking care of you, I would never ignore your cries for help just because I was tired or busy or because it is 3 am. Even if I thought you were being unreasonable, I would still come help you and try to make you feel better.

One last suggestion, and I don't know if this will work but does with my dh - think of some concrete, gentle actions you can take to help dd sleep better - bedtime routines, songs, whatever - and say you're going to implement them. It doesn't actually matter if any of these things work for my dh, he just feels better that concrete action is being taken. And since babies change so frequently, dd will probably start sleeping better regardless. Good luck!


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## melissakc (Nov 13, 2006)

I would tell him that CIO is not the quick-fix that everyone thinks it is. Sure, it may "work" after a few nights, but once something changes, like illness, teething, vacation, you have to do it all over again. Hearing my baby cry was so torturous that I couldn't fathom doing that for 3 nights, but the idea of having to do it again and again is just horrible.

A child who CIO goes to sleep out of exhaustion, not out of "self-soothing." I think this causes problems later, like elementary kids who hate to go to sleep and stall and stall and stall. No wonder they don't want to go to bed--they have negative associations with going to bed. So CIO is not a long-term sleep solution.

Therefore, it's not a quick-fix or a long-term solution. It's not a solution at all.

I also would mention, if we do CIO, how will we know if she is crying bc she has a dirty diaper or she's sick? I have a friend who told me the other day that she went into her DD's room to find that she had vomited all over her bed during the night. I just can't imagine my poor little baby being that sick and not being right there with her.







:

There are lots of other reasons, and I think they've been pointed out by PPs, but I would focus on the practical stuff, since that seems to be how he thinks.

Personally, my reason is that I want my children to know that I will be there to help them no matter what, no matter when. I want them to know, deep down in their hearts, when they are teenagers and in trouble that they can always come to me and I will be there, even if it is inconvenient or disappointing. I want them to trust me.

Good luck. I hope he will come around soon. It's hard when you're not on the same page.


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## taterbug1999 (May 5, 2006)

Quote:

One analogy that I've found helpful with people (especially MIL/FIL) is this: When you are elderly and perhaps even confined to bed, and I am taking care of you, I would never ignore your cries for help just because I was tired or busy or because it is 3 am. Even if I thought you were being unreasonable, I would still come help you and try to make you feel better.








:
I really like that quote!
To OP if it is teething we have always done the Hyland's teething tablets. They melt immediately and you can always give them to her in a spoon of water before bed if you worry about putting them in her mouth. We would do a few before bed and it usually helped him sleep more soundly and if he woke up we'd give a few more then too. I just had to always remember to keep 'em by the bed







Hang in there momma! You guys will find common ground!


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Where is his evidence that a 5 month old is even capable of understanding why no one is responding to their cries?

Also, since women's bodies physically react when their child cries, it is cruel not only to the child but to the mother to force them to CIO. Does he understand that?


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

One analogy that I've found helpful with people (especially MIL/FIL) is this: When you are elderly and perhaps even confined to bed, and I am taking care of you, I would never ignore your cries for help just because I was tired or busy or because it is 3 am. Even if I thought you were being unreasonable, I would still come help you and try to make you feel better.

I love that!!!!!


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
We're not trying to be snarky or argumentative, I guess we're confused as to why having him on your side is so important to you when it seems obvious in your post that it's not at all important to him. So if it's not important enough to your partner, then do what you think is best! Yes, pull the mom card out and flash it around.

I think this is a very valid point, and honestly I'm not sure why it matters so much to me - I guess it's more frustrating than anything that he's coming at it from an ignorant place.

I'm going to keep suggesting that he research everything, but bottom line is that CIO just isn't gonna happen. I don't mind a little fussing/settling, but full on crying and screaming is just not okay with me.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
Where is his evidence that a 5 month old is even capable of understanding why no one is responding to their cries?

Also, since women's bodies physically react when their child cries, it is cruel not only to the child but to the mother to force them to CIO. Does he understand that?

Thank you everyone. You've all given me some great suggestions and ideas to think about.

Gwynthfair, I mentioned your point last night- that a 5 month old has no idea *why* we aren't responding to her cries - for all she knows we could have abandoned her, or been killed, or whatever. That and crying is one of her most fundamental ways of having her needs met. Cry = response = need met. Seems like a good system to me.

For me, a lot is going on here and I am using this forum to sort it out. I feel undermined by him in the way I choose to parent our child. I took a visceral reaction and found data that shows the reason I feel so terrible when she cries is because I am supposed to go to her and address her needs.

To me, this seems like a *great* quality and yet I feel somehow like I am being punished or not taken seriously. I resent that he questions my judgment enough to even need me to back something like this up..

I think his mom might actually be able to talk to him because I'm pretty sure she never let her kids CIO -whereas most of my family did.

I told him to spend one week researching CIO (for and against) and that if he's not swayed by the end of that week, we'll discuss it. I can't honestly see how he could agree with it after becoming more informed. I think if he's not motivated to do the legwork then he's not informed enough to make a good decision and I can't allow an ignoramus to make decisions on behalf of m daughter.

Dh is a very logic-based, rational creature, so appealing to an emotional side probably isn't the best thing here. He's very loving, but when it comes to perception or emotional issues he almost always needs facts to support a claim before he can grant it any validity.

Anyway, I need to be telling him this stuff, not you guys.









I really appreciate all the support, criticism, ideas, etc. It's a lot to think about.

As far as sleeping in separate beds, I would do that but my dad is currently occupying our second bed - so it's either solve this, or put dh on the couch. Some of you will say to go ahead and throw him out but really, I'd like for everyone here to have their needs met -- that's probably why I'm the mama.


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## wflcpw (Dec 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nylecoj* 
Some of you will say to go ahead and throw him out but really, I'd like for everyone here to have their needs met -- that's probably why I'm the mama.

*I* moved to the couch at first.....not dh.







:
Then a futon on the floor in the Living Room, then a full on bed - yeah me! Could you get a futon mattress for the floor? This worked well for us. DS sleeps in the crook of my arm - still does at 8 months.


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

I think a lot of people that are very compassionate and loving and caring normally, sometimes are not with babies, because they just don't realize how emotionally vulnerable they are.

Culturally, we've gotten so far away from natural child-rearing, and so obsessed with independence, that many people believe they're doing a good thing for their children by letting them CIO.

Personally, I think that babies are much more emotionally fragile than physically fragile. Everyone freaks when I hang DD upside down (she's giggling hysterically), but roll their eyes when I immediately tend to her when she's CRYING. It makes zero sense.

When I want my DH to learn about something, I give him books and articles. IMO, the person who does the research should get to make the decision (if the other person is unwilling to do any.)

Here's a start:
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1...enNeedTou.html
http://www.continuum-concept.org/


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## letniaLynne (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1...enNeedTou.html

I love to use this article to back me up since it is hard to dispupte since it came from a fairly reputable institution.


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Me too.

"Harvard. Ever heard of it?"







(If you watch The Office.)


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## McMandy (May 18, 2007)

I was wondering, do you swaddle your baby before going to bed? Swaddling may help her self-soothe, if that is the goal.

Secondly, with our first, we tried CIO. IT KILLED ME.

Everyone kept telling me we should do it, it would work, yadda yadda. I was young, didn't research anything back then (wasnt much of a computer person at the time), and gave in.

I would end up sitting on the porch, listening to my daughter's wailing. It was HORRIBLE. I decided it just wasnt worth it. It wasn't until later I learned that there was actually a big debate on this, and that it had a labeling "CIO". I was so unexperienced and, well, mentally handicapped, with my first because I didn't even THINK to research. Oh, all the things I would have done differently if I WOULD have researched things more!


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## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gwynthfair* 
Everyone freaks when I hang DD upside down (she's giggling hysterically), but roll their eyes when I immediately tend to her when she's CRYING. It makes zero sense.

Wow, that is the greatest observation I've seen in a long time!!


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## lucyem (Apr 30, 2005)

When my first DS was around 10 months old my husband had had it with sharing the bed. He decided to try a modified CIO method. It backfired big time. Previous to this DS would take his naps in his own bed and at night would be in our bed. Both beds were 2 feet away from each other. My husband and I are very tall people and even a queen can get small for just us. So a baby sleeping sideways was not fun. I did not mind but DH hated it. For a week DH tried a modified version of CIO. We got in a bunch of fights and my poor DS got traumatized. He would scream and scream until DH gave up. Then he would hand DS to me. I say modified CIO because it was more like the Baby Whisperer book way of doing things. (bad book IMO) What ended up happening was that DS stopped falling to sleep in his bed at all. Suddenly I had a child who refused to fall asleep at all in his own bed. I lost my quiet time during the day. This eventually turned into 6 months of driving around the block to get him to nap. Meanwhile at night DS was in our bed until 2 1/2. And then had to hold my hand for another 4 months or so anytime he woke up. His bed was right next to ours. My DH finally admitted it was a big mistake. It also gave me a lot of leverage this time around with our second DS. This time DH has been willing to be more creative about how & where we sleep. We are all much happier. Looking back at DS1 & DS2 I think part of trying CIO was an exhausted man wanting his old life & wife back not to mention to feel in control again. By the time DS2 came back DH was more into the flow, he knows it will work itself out, he will get his wife back, and any sleep is more important then where one sleeps.


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## LolaK (Jan 8, 2006)

There have been ape studies that show that apes with elevated levels of stress hormones that won't go down die much earlier and are at the bottom of the pecking order compared to apes whose levels go down quickly - they live longer and tend to be the dominant apes.

So here are some articles that might help. The first two are about how bad stress and hormones that go along with it are for humans - you are going to need to pick through them to pull out the important points. The last one is from Dr. Sears and is a compilation of research on babies and kids left to CIO. You can use it in combination with the facts from the first two artciles I think.

http://www.cio.com.au/index.php/id;1...fp;;fpid;;pf;1

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/m...52/ai_20068468

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp


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## JoyofBirth (Mar 16, 2004)

Try this.


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## AlbertaJes (May 11, 2006)

All of our RL friends with kids CIO. Every last one. DH remembers being made to CIO himself, even. But he figured that since he now sleeps fine, it's an okay route to go.

I think that the statement I made that made the most impact on him was "if it was your grandmother crying, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you wouldn't allow it." Made a big impact because he was there first hand to watch his grandmother deteriorate and need people to help her all the time before she passed. I also mentioned to him that my sister and I never had to CIO (okay I did once, but my mom says that I was overtired and overstimulated otherwise and she was right next to me. and only once) and we both sleep just as well as DH does.


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## nylecoj (Apr 24, 2007)

Well thanks everyone.

We talked about it and looked at some research and I explained that more than anything I can't do it because of my own reaction to it and the stress it places on me. It's just too difficult. I'd rather spend the extra time rocking/nursing and not have to deal with that.

That and everytime someone mentions how happy our baby is I say, "See? She's happy because we never make her CIO."


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