# no one understands....



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm 7 months out. MIL died last Sunday. Funeral Friday. The whole family was here. I should have a 7 month old. Hubby's nieces and nephews all have little baby boys. How come everyone wants to pretend Micah didn't exist? I KNOW it's uncomfortable for them....but geez. I'm ticked and mad. I did hold a 2 month old boy for quite a while. that was hard at first then okay. but I'm still ticked. I'm *all* about nursing. I'm a retired LLL Leader, HUGE breastfeeding advocate. All mommies are nursing. and I am not. and no one cared. I'm pissed. I did encourage one first timer....

I need counseling....or support group. You guys are the only ones that understand. My own mother got a hold of me during a weepy time a few months ago and said, "what's wrong? You are always so cheery when I call you, what happened?" So I put up my wall again. it's the only way people will talk to me.

I HAVE A DEAD BABY!!!!!!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

It's so hard being wtihout our babies.. I hate every minute of it! Seeing other babies is still so hard, I can't even imagine holding one - but it's probably a great healer. I think people don't know how to react to us.. if you're happy - they're surprised that you're so happy! If you're sad - they're shocked that this is STILL affecting you so deeply.. I do believe that most people mean well when trying to deal with us grieving mommas.. it just doesn't make it any easier on us, does it?


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

: I'm sorry you have been going through so much. I know people don't understand at all. If it helps, you have all of us here and we do understand. Have you thought of calling your local hospitals and seeing if there are any groups around you?? Maybe you can start up a group since you are experienced in group settings??


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Mommato5 what a great suggestion for her. If there aren't any support groups in your area I bet there are other moms (and dads) who could benefit from one.

As far as your mom - if you have a decent relationship try using her questions as a way to educate her on grief and on a loss that she hasn't experienced. She'll never completely get it but, if she cares for you she will want to try. (not sure what your relationship is like so please take with a grain of salt - I don't want to make it worse for you)

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom and sister and though they try I just haven't wanted to share much with them. But, I know they are hurting, too.

I'm sorry your family doesn't get it. It is nice to have our children acknowledged for having been here but most people don't know how. Like you said, it's uncomfortable for them.

My DH says it is somewhat of a social experiment. There are some in our lives that we would expect to know what to say that ignore the topic all together and those that we would expect it to be weird or hard for them are the ones who ask how we are doing. They are the ones who can be our friends through our tears and aren't afraid of them.

I think another part of it is that maybe some people are afraid it can wear off on them. Like it's contagious??? Anyone experience that kind of vibe?

Hugs to you. I hope you can find some IRL support soon.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
I think another part of it is that maybe some people are afraid it can wear off on them. Like it's contagious??? Anyone experience that kind of vibe?

Oh yes, I've had this. DH has tried to gently suggested it might be paranoia on my part but I don't think so. One mother who I know _reasonably well, completely blanked me in the opticians the other day and I swear she held her daughter that bit closer as if I might be a child snatcher or infectious or something.









Having said that, most ppl I know have really come through and been much kinder, sympathetic and upfront that I expected.

Cuddlebaby, I hope you find some IRL support._


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:

I think another part of it is that maybe some people are afraid it can wear off on them. Like it's contagious??? Anyone experience that kind of vibe?
Oh my gosh, have I ever. The one DDC I had belonged to on another site actually tried finding reasons to blame me and I believe it is because they don't want to think that it could happen to them.

Would any of you be up to maybe exchanging some phone numbers???


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I know just what you mean about the avoidance thing. People do that to me too. But, luckily I have may more who want to see Josie, which is why I carry pictures of her about in my bag.

I think it has something to do with them not understanding how you can still be alive. They figure they'd never survive the pain, and just don't get why we're still walking about. It's a primal fear thing, I think - since they don't understand, they avoid: it's just too unfathomable for them I think. Perhaps they lost a child too, or know someone closely who did, and never ever dealt with that death properly, so they didn't gain any wisdom from it - just fear. Perhaps they're just scared.

All in all it's sad really, because they're choosing to remain ignorant about something they could be wise about. Perhaps some of them will come around and choose to accept life at it's fullest at the very least from an outside point of view. Maybe they won't. We all have a new viewpoint on life here - we've seen the fullest spectrum of colors now. While that might freak another out, we've been given the vision, as it were and now we can see the bigger picture. That means we can probably all appreciate the joy more acutely then, too - at least, some days.

We're not damaged goods, ladies - we're lovely people who have been through an awful lot. We don't have to be broken people - having some skirt around us doesn't make us broken - just misunderstood.

If anyone wants my number, I'd be happy to give it out - but by PM probably - safer like that. Hugs XXX


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## Dov'sMom (Jan 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Oh yes, I've had this. DH has tried to gently suggested it might be paranoia on my part but I don't think so. One mother who I know _reasonably well, completely blanked me in the opticians the other day and I swear she held her daughter that bit closer as if I might be a child snatcher or infectious or something.








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I know it won't make you feel better, but a good friend of mine lost her baby right around when my son was born, and every time I email her or talk to her I have to go find my baby and hold him close out of love and gratitude that I have him to hold and because thinking about her I start to feel that horrible aching terror of it could have been me. And I don't doubt that I get a little more introspective, quieter, absent when that chill comes over me and I picture life without my loved one and I have to whisper a silent prayer of thanksgiving that my son was born healthy and whole and I really have no earthly idea of what she is going through.

I'm not sure where I'm going. I guess I just wanted to put it out there as the mother who might have "held her child that bit closer" that it's not fear or alienation but just a deep appreciation of the fragility of life and how close we all are to being in the same place._


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dov'sMom* 
I'm not sure where I'm going. I guess I just wanted to put it out there as the mother who might have "held her child that bit closer" that it's not fear or alienation but just a deep appreciation of the fragility of life and how close we all are to being in the same place.

Oh I do understand that. I'm an optimist by nature and, although that's taken a battering of late, I still want to believe the best of people - that their motives and behavior towards me are genuine. It just hurts when I'm feeling so raw. As for the grabbing our children closer, I have 2 older children and, boy, do they get squeezed a lot right now because, as you say, I have a profound awareness of the fragility of life and treasure the fact that they were birthed whole and healthy. (They are also getting away with a whole lot of mischief too).

Mommato5: I would LOVE to exchange phone numbers but, alas, I live in the UK and I think DH would have a fit if I started racking up calls to the US. Would be very happy to get PMs from you all though, not quite the same but still good support ...


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh Jill, you're so sweet. I love your positive attitude because it's the same as mine! Just gotta keep plodding along...we'll get to the top of the mountain.







XX


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 







: I'm sorry you have been going through so much. I know people don't understand at all. If it helps, you have all of us here and we do understand. Have you thought of calling your local hospitals and seeing if there are any groups around you?? Maybe you can start up a group since you are experienced in group settings??

an older 'lunch lady' at the school was recently widowed shortly after Micah was born. She's been trying to talk me into going to her support group @ the funeral home and since it just happens I spent a BUNCH of time there (MIL's funeral on Friday) I think I will go even though losing a spouse/grandma is probably lots different then a baby/child. There is zero support for grieving parents around here. and only TWO grief supports groups at all. (funeral home one and hospital)

AND I'm going through the process to become a MISS 'facilitator' (missfoundation.org) and what all that entails. They say the best way to stave of depression is to GIVE. and since I have almost no one I can actually 'vocalize' (it's SO different than typing) my feelings to maybe listening to everyone elses will help me deal with mine.

I think I am going to call a counselor friend's associate this week too. It's going to be a tough week.

thanks for pegging me perfectly.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

MISS is a great foundation and I'm so glad you are working with them to get a group started!

I can honestly say that I don't think I would be able to go to a group with people who only know about other losses. I need someone who understand infant loss.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I'm so sorry about your loss and that you are having a difficult time. I know the feeling of no one understands. Its STILL that way for me. On Alexis' birthday no one really mentions it. IDK if they think it will upset me or what..on this board here was where I first connected with other women who'd lost babies as well and even though I don't know them irl, it means alot to have support and to have someone understand your feelings and pain


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
Oh Jill, you're so sweet. I love your positive attitude because it's the same as mine! Just gotta keep plodding along...we'll get to the top of the mountain.







XX

Thanks JayJay


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