# Catholic and Stillbirth Questions



## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

We are new to this and have no where to turn for answers..

Does the Catholic faith do a funeral service for a stillborn infant?

We were told at the hospital that we could not have her baptized because she was stillborn, and that the Catholic faith doesn't allow this for a stillborn child.

But nothing else has been said to us about anything else. The Funeral home keeps just saying about graveside service with burial or they will cremate and give us the remains in a little urn.

I am so lost and confused. I cannot even decide whether or bury or cremate, and hubby is pushing the decision since it needs to be made soon.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

what does your parish priest say?

is there a church you attend? was there a catholic clergy at the hospital?

you should look for a funeral home that has a chapel that will allow a clergy of some kind to do a service for you.

to my knowledge catholics do funeral masses in churches, and masses can be done for non-members of the church depending on what the priest will do. but as far as i know the baby cannot be buried in a catholic cemetary. but really you should speak to a priest, as each run their parishes differently.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please contact a local Priest in your area. Even if you have never met them before or attended mass, they can help you.


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## MomToKandE (Mar 11, 2006)

You might try asking your question on the Catholic Families board at baby center http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/f...ebtag=bcus5714

I've lurked there a little in the past and it seems like they have many people who know a lot about officiall church teachings.

I can't find my copy of the Catechism right now. I'll look for it later tonight and see if it has anything useful to say. I'm told that it's available online at the Vatican's web site.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## apcanadianmamma (Sep 30, 2004)

I went through this almost six years ago - it almost made me leave the church. In a nutshell a baby who is stillborn doesn't need to be baptised because they aren't born - therefore they don't have original sin. It was explained to me (although by a Lutheran minister) that they just are immediately admitted into heaven. At the time we lost our son our "priest" told us he was too busy to come to the hospital. He suggested to my mother that she get a cup of water and make the sign of the cross on my son's head and give him a blessing and "that would be good enough" We ended up getting my in-laws Lutheran minister to do a service at the funeral home, he also said a few words at the cemetary. I didn't attend mass until I ended up finding a wonderful Catholic priest a few years later who said that he would generally go to the hospital to do a blessing (although he concured with the Lutheran minister that a baptism wasn't necessary) and that he would do a mass for the baby if that is what the parents wanted.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to make whatever arrangements you are most comfortable with.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

DH is catholic and I will tell you what our priest told us. That ANYONE can peroform a baptism. He said that if a woman is pg and having complications the husband could do it right there and it would count and be viewed as a blessing. We were asking if or how it would be possible to get DD baptised in Guatemala and he said anyone can perform it. I would think most church's would allow it.


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## Paddington (Aug 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starr* 
ANYONE can peroform a baptism. He said that if a woman is pg and having complications the husband could do it right there and it would count and be viewed as a blessing. We were asking if or how it would be possible to get DD baptised in Guatemala and he said anyone can perform it. I would think most church's would allow it.

This is true--we recently went through a baptism class and the deacon and the priest present both said anyone can perform it. My mother lost her first born at 3 weeks. He had not been baptized yet and was buried at a Catholic funeral --well, at the San Fernando Mission actually. So I know that you can still have your child buried in the church. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybeedreams* 

but as far as i know the baby cannot be buried in a catholic cemetary. but really you should speak to a priest, as each run their parishes differently.










I think one of the cemetaries we are looking at is catholic, and they have a babyland area.

Melissa S.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

They had the chaplin come, but we also requested our parish priest (even though we are not active right now, it is just too hard to manage the kids at mass and still be respectful). So, it has been a few years since we attended mass, but we still do stuff and attend the parish festival, etc. Also, members of our family are also active in the parish.

The priest did come to our room, and he did do a blessing with the sign of the cross on her forehead. I do remember that, but a lot of the stuff that was said, has come and gone between everything else that has happened....both DH and I were very tired and very upset. We had been up for over 24 hours and been through heck and back in that time.

I have been remembering a few details the last day or two as my mind has cleared a bit and I am coming to terms with what has happened.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

My mother baptised my baby during her bath (pics on on the link, I think.) Then the parish preist came to visit me & welcomed my dd into the church. We could have had a mass if we wanted. I did not. We had a prayer service with readings & a gospel & homily with the priest at the church.
I think that you need to contact your church to see what they will do for you. Our parish welcomed my SB daughter with open arms, and I was not a practicing catholic, just raised as one.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Debstmomy* 
I think that you need to contact your church to see what they will do for you. Our parish welcomed my SB daughter with open arms, and I was not a practicing catholic, just raised as one.

yes, a friend of mine's husband died and neither of them had been to church in years and years and were not members there... but the priest did the servce and the mass and they were able to bury him in the cemetary. he was a priest who served the migrant community mostly and he basically did what he wanted.

my GF told me none of the other churches she contacted would even consider doing what he did.

call around and find a priest that will help you.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Ry was both baptized and had a Catholic funeral. He had an emergency baptism 45 minutes after he was born (he died seconds before he was born)--in the Catholic faith, you don't know when the soul departs the body, so we didn't want to take chances.... The priest for the hospital ran across town at 4 AM to do the baptism.

For the funeral, it was a Catholic funeral service in the church (not a full mass, because we chose not to have it--we were offered, but there were only 3 of us in attendance that were Catholic, so we chose to forgo communion). They also did the Catholic internment service at graveside...


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Our son Griffin was baptized by our parish priest. He came to the hospital shortly after we found out that he had died. He said some prayers for us to help get us through the birth. After Griffin was born we called him and he came back and baptized him.

We chose not to have a full catholic funeral mass. It would have been available to us, but we chose to have a graveside service where the priest did a few readings along with the chaplain from the hospital where I work. Griffin is buried on top of my brother. Not a religious cemetary though.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby. Many healing thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Patti


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

How much help did your parish priest give you in making your decisions?

He came to the hospital, the chaplin called him, on Thursday (10/12), but we have not heard a single word from him since. We got a card in the mail today from the parish but that is it. I did put in a call, to see what our options were today, but it was late and he has not called us back.

Melissa S.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat* 
How much help did your parish priest give you in making your decisions?

He came to the hospital, the chaplin called him, on Thursday (10/12), but we have not heard a single word from him since. We got a card in the mail today from the parish but that is it. I did put in a call, to see what our options were today, but it was late and he has not called us back.

Melissa S.

do you not have any family members or friends that can help you? what about your husband? is there not anyone there who can make a bunch of phone calls for you?

what about the social worker fro the hospital or the clergy from the hospital. what about a the funeral director at the local funeral home. they *should* be able to find someone for you. usually they are very good about that. i would not bother calling back a priest who never responded to you. find someone else.

i am sorry you seem so alone at this time. how terrible for you. where do you live, maybe there is someone here who can help you.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Our preist was very helpful. Before we left the hospital we knew what funeral home we were going to use. We used the same one that did my brother's funeral in the town where I grew up. We met with the funeral director a day and a half after Griffin was born. We arranged everything with him. The following day we met with our priest to talk about our options for the religous part of the ceremony. He was very supportive of our decison. He would have done whatever we wanted.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time getting someone to get back to you. That is really awful. We were treated so very well by everyone involved in the process. The funeral director even provided his services for free because Griffin was a baby. We ended up paying him, but just the fact that he would do that is comforting.

Maybe a family member can help you out by calling your priest back or contacting another church. Try contacting a local funeral home. Good luck with getting some arrangements made and getting some closure. BTW feel free to share your baby with us when you are ready.

Patti


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat* 
How much help did your parish priest give you in making your decisions?

He came to the hospital, the chaplin called him, on Thursday (10/12), but we have not heard a single word from him since. We got a card in the mail today from the parish but that is it. I did put in a call, to see what our options were today, but it was late and he has not called us back.

Melissa S.

We called the priest from the hospital and then he made an appointment for us to come see him when we got out of the hospital. We had to meet one more time before the funeral and he came to our house...it was really quick--I had only been out of the hospital 36 hours before the funeral...


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Well, we played phone tag all day, with broken promises of return phone call w/in an hour.

So, Hubby talked to his mom, and she called their parish priest or lector (not sure which one) and they pulled strings/kicked some back side. 6 hours after DH made the initial phone call back we finally got someone to call us and explain our options.

I don't think she is happy with what we are considering (cremation with internment not happening until much later - ie possibley years in the future), as she tried to give us the impression that unless we either bury or intern immediately there is nothing they can do...

But it is settled, we will be having a funeral service, but not a full funeral mass for my Isabella. We have a lot of family and friends of various religious faiths and I don't think we need a full mass as well as funeral service, as most everyone will have been to church on Sunday.

Now, I just wish I had a sign of what my darling daughter would want.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

i'm so glad that someone finally helped you.

later, when you are feeling up to it, you should complain to the bishop's office about this priest. the way you were treated was reprehensible. your family in a state a grief and shock should NOT have had to chase around a promise breaking-priest. that priest should have been right there at the hospital asking your family what they needed. shame on him.

i'm sure whatever you chose will be what your daughter wants.


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