# I am so mad!



## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

So my little brother is getting married this weekend. There was a party this Friday that I really didn't want to go to because my step dad would be there. He sexually abused me and my sister and even though I have only seen him once in 9 years he still tries really hard to talk to me and tell me how beautiful I am and so on. My whole family knows. We have fought all about it but in the end I never go to my mothers house and have not been there in over a decade. He is not allowed to talk to me or be near me. Well in 2011 I had my own child. My mother is not allowed to have pictures of him because I don't want my Step dad o be able to see them. Well I knew we would have too see him this weekend. My whole family knows the drill he has to keep his distance and NOT interact with my son.

My sons dad did an amazing job of not letting any one hold the baby and just kind of distancing him and the baby from the whole group. There were 80 people there so its not like it was a small intimate affair. I made all of the food. Spent 100's of dollars.

Well at the end my brother (the groom) wants to hold my son which is fine. We all take photos. Then my step dad approaches me to tell me that my son is soooo adorable. And that when he was talking to him he was giving him the weirdest face. FIRST he is not supposed to talk to me. I ignored him and walked away and tried to think of a time when he got to see my son so up close. THen the photos get posted on facebook and there is my brother with my son and my step dad. I am so livid. So much more angry than I anticipated. I cannot believe I let this happen. Let him see or even touch my son. I thought my family knew better. I am so upset. AND THE PHOTOS ARE OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. I am so hurt.

Well his wedding is tomorrow and I DO not want to go. I WILL NOT bring my son. Am I over reacting. I thought my 7 brothers and sisters and inlaws would intervene. OR MY MOTHER! SHE EFFING KNOWS HOW I FEEL! I just feel like I subjected my son to the worst man I have ever known who would continue to victimize me if he could (I had to stop going to my moms house because he would hang out my window hoping I would change my clothes)

Am I being unreasonable?


----------



## Escaping (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm not sure what to say because I haven't been in that situation and I can't imagine what it would feel like, but I just wanted to add, if you report a photo to facebook, they'll delete it without any notification to whoever posted it. The only way they notice it's gone is if they go to look for it.

I would definitely speak to your family about uploading photos of your son. I never upload photos of other people's children anywhere on the internet no matter what the situation.


----------



## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

I am sorry this happened.

It seems to me that there is, at least, the possibility that your brother asked to hold your son in response to your step dad requesting his help to see his step grandchild.

About the wedding, do your best to figure out what you would regret ten years from now. Will you regret not attending? Will you regret attending, but without your son? Do you have someone you trust to watch your son, if you go without him? Remember, your step father will see that your son is missing. Would he leave to try to see your son? By answering these questions, hopefully you can reach a decision you feel comfortable with over time.

On a personal note, I didn't see my father before he died. It just wasn't possible to make the trip without putting my son and myself in a difficult position. That was more than a year ago. Do I regret it? Not yet. And I don't think I will, down the road, either. I did what was best at the time. I am comfortable with that decision.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well!


----------



## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

You are not being unreasonable and I am sorry to hear you aren't getting the support you need from your family. (and horrified that they still have your abuser in their lives) The event is probably over but FWIW, I say don't go if you don't want to go.


----------



## vermontgirl (Aug 15, 2006)

> Am I being unreasonable?


Absolutely not. I feel your anger and your need for distance. I also feel your desire to not attend the wedding.

What is your mothers reason for wanting to still be with a man who did these things? I just cannot imagine continuing a relationship with such a monster. I personally would demand that all photos of this man with your son be destroyed. I would also not attend the wedding, but that is something you have to think deeply about. Is there a possibility that a close friend could watch your son? I think whatever reaction or feeling you have is reasonable.

Good luck, and so sorry mama.


----------



## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its tonight. My partner is staying home with our son and I am just going to the ceremony not the dinner afterwards. I thought I could accept this part of my mom but I can't.


----------



## grumpybear (Oct 5, 2006)

So sorry about this situation you are in.

Though I suppose I just have to ask why do your family members still keep a relationship with this man?

And once they've made their choice to, why do you still maintain relationships with family members who seem to want to ignore the damage that this man has done to you?


----------



## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

Its mostly my mother. if not for her he would want nothing to do with my brothers his bio kids. He also only willing goes to events where he knows I will be which in 9 years has only been three including the two this week. When they split up for 6 years after she found him lurking out side of my window many many times as a teenager he did not see any of our family that entire time. I knew as a kid that when i moved out of the house she would go back to him and sure enough she did. He doesn't work and just mooches off of my mom. She always jokes that if he had a car or a job he would not be with her. They have a terribly abusive relationship. I was trying to look past all of this over the past few years in hopes to have a relationship with my mother. But its quickly becoming obvious thats not possible. In the thirty minutes we were at the court house he tried to talk to me twice and was waiting by my car when I left. I cannot do it. I tried and i can't. I hate her for everything that has happened. all of the stuff she let happen and all of the stuff that continues to happen. She protects him at every turn and we have lots of arguments about it. I am just done with the whole situation.


----------



## Escaping (Nov 13, 2012)

Have you had any counselling for this? I know it's easier said than done, but you're giving him a lot of power over your life and emotions. I have a friend who is going through something very similar right now and it's so painful to see her so destroyed over something that means nothing to the other person, and her family doesn't seem concerned either. There has to be a way of dealing with it or trying to heal because you can't live your life like that, and when your son gets old enough, he will be effected by your emotions as well. It isn't your fault and it isn't your son's fault. Neither one of you should have to live like that.


----------



## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

I had a lot of counseling after it happened and through my teen years. They told me I was too disrespectful to him. That I needed to make more time to spend with him and that I needed to be more understanding of his feelings.

Obviously they were being fed something from him and my mom but it made me distrust that whole situation so I have never gone back.

It is all really messed up in the end.


----------



## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

Someone told me some great advice once. She said "Just because someone is related t you doesn't mean you have to be friends with them. You can develop your own family" This was very freeing for me. I hope you find some peace Mama. Enjoy the family (your baby and your partner) that does love and support you and distance yourself from the ones who disrespect and cause you pain. Then grieve the loss of your relationship with your mom and take back your power. I wish you lots of peace and love.


----------



## brigala (Apr 26, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LLQ1011*
> 
> I had a lot of counseling after it happened and through my teen years. They told me I was too disrespectful to him. That I needed to make more time to spend with him and that I needed to be more understanding of his feelings.
> 
> ...


Wow, that's messed up.

You obviously didn't get the healing you needed from the so-called "counseling" you got.

Other counselors would not be like that. They are there to listen. Occasionally to guide you, but mostly to listen.

I would humbly suggest you pick your own counselor now that you are an adult, and try to get some help through this.


----------



## michelleepotter (Apr 8, 2013)

It sounds to me like this man is still obsessed with you and is harassing you. Have you ever considered getting a restraining order? Then he couldn't come near you, and you could safely attend family events without him bothering you.


----------



## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

I have thought about a restraining order but wouldn't a judge just tell me not to attend the events?

My mother and me had a big fight abut it today. She called me a liar. That I was exagerating the situation and making it up. She told me I was trying to make my brothers chose between me or their dad (He would not go to their stuff unless I was there anyway but she doesn't see it like that) She said it was my families fault for letting him come up to them. Then even after I showed her the photo of him with my son she said he was not even looking at him. Its a 30 person photo and he is so obviously by my son and looking at him and interacting with him. In the four photos before it he was not in the photos at all he blatently jumped in at that time because he saw my son was not with me and saw a chance. I found out later he approached my son on many occasions. Once with my sister as well who quickly averted he situation and once with my partner where he followed them out into the field. Throw that in with how much he talked to and approached me (She said she was there and that I approached him which is a lie) he must have spent most of the night following and watching where we were. She doesn't see it that way. In fact she had to leave because my lies and exagerations were making her uncomfortable. She told me I was just trying to make it so he wouldn't be allowed to attend his sons events and that I should not force them to chose and since it is my problem that I should not go. So that's it for my mom. I am done. She did not understand at all and it went way not how I thought it would I was shocked with how she responded. When I said I thought my family would be better at protecting my son she said "What did he abuse him at the party?" I don't know why I thought she would understand. She didn't protect me why the ef would it be a priority to help me protect my son at all? I hate her.


----------



## michelleepotter (Apr 8, 2013)

I am not a lawyer, but I think the whole point of restraining orders is to allow the victim of harassment to go wherever they want (within reason -- I don't think you could go to his house and get mad that he's there) without worrying about the harasser. The one breaking the law is the one who has to change his plans, not the victim.

Sounds like your mom is being pretty unreasonable. You should have the right to attend family events without being stalked by this man. If he didn't want to put his sons in an uncomfortable position, choosing between seeing their dad or supporting their sister, then he should not have abused you.


----------



## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I'm sorry your Mom is not on your side, but at least she's made it abundantly clear that she very much is not, so at least you know not to trust her or bother trying to talk to her further about this







It sounds like your siblings might still be on your side, I hope they are, but do what you need to do to protect yourself and your son! I'm not a legal expert either, but I too think it might make sense to get a restraining order. And it isn't fair that your siblings will have to choose between inviting you or inviting your Dad, but that's a situation your Dad created, not you. You shouldn't have to "let it go" to "keep the peace", that's a bunch of BS!!! I don't think you are, but don't feel even the slightest bit guilty about standing up for yourself on that one. I'd just tell your siblings you won't be attending any further events your Dad is invited to and let them decide who they want to invite. If your Dad shows up uninvited, I think this is where a restraining order would be helpful, but if no one will make him leave, then I would leave if I were you. It isn't fair that you have to leave, but I would do what you need to do to be safe.


----------



## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

What a pp said about the restraining order is completely true. I had one a few months ago( long story) and it protected me and my son and the person it was against wasnt allowed to contact me or come within 50 feet of me. If he tried to come into my work or home he also would be in trouble. If you feel that strongly(which you seem to) you should definitely look into one for you and your son. Its no cost, and the court advocates will help you with the entire process. Its a great piece of mind.


----------

