# Is this reasonable? Handholding while walking



## redvlagrl (Dec 2, 2009)

My 22 mth old DD is starting to enjoy walking places. I insist that she either hold my hand or she is carried/strollered. If she tries to twist away I ask her if she wants to be picked up. She usually says "no, hand" and stands up and walks properly.

I have noticed that many other people with toddlers allow them to walk alone. I just don't trust that my DD won't suddenly run into traffic or not see that a car is about to pull out of a driveway.

Is this a reasonable thing to expect or am I being overprotective (I can take criticism if I am). DH does tend to be overprotective of her on play equipment etc, but I don't want a squashed child.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Try walking around with your hand up over your head for awhile. I can't last 5 minutes. It's not very comfortable at all. For my kids, if they didn't stay close enough for my comfort, I used child leashes. I only had one that was really a runner/wanderer/not responsive to requests to stay nearby - and he love his "leash." I think hand holding for short periods of time (to cross a street, walk from the grocery store to the car through a parking lot, etc) in extra dangerous situations is fine - but it's not a very fun or interesting way to travel for an actual walk.


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## redvlagrl (Dec 2, 2009)

I hear you on the hand above the head thing. In fact before DD was walking I had read a leash thread and people mentioned this. But her hand actually isn't above her head because I'm pretty short. But I do get your point.

How do you get your toddler to hold hands in these specific situations unless you're totally consistent with it for all public walking situations?


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## Lucy&Jude'sMama (Jun 4, 2010)

My daughter is 2 and maybe a little bit tall for her age. I'm 5'7 and when we hold hands her arm is almost at a 90 degree angle... not quite there but almost.

Anyways I don't think you are being overprotective, but maybe there are certain times when you can allow a little more freedom? For instance, I make my daughter hold my hand when we are near cars or in an area that would be dangerous if she runs from me. If she refuses its stroller or being carried. She has gotten very good at holding my hand and she even asks to hold my hand now. But in places like a trail walk area, the beach, the pier... non-threatening type places I let her walk beside me or just a little bit ahead of me. I have a rule that if I ask her to come back to me or tell her to stop she needs to listen. If she doesn't then she is back to holding my hand or stroller/carried. She was a bit of a pill at first about it, but she is now starting to show some improvement and is stopping when I tell her to. I think she likes having a bit of independence and I like to teach her that its ok as long as she is listening to mommy/or daddy. I don't put up with her running away or throwing a fit about it. There is no wiggle room in that rule because I do want her to be safe at all times. When we are around cars I make a point of telling her that she needs to hold my hand because there are cars around. Slowly I can see the light bulb going off in her head and like I stated earlier she is now starting to listen to me when she is not holding my hand and I tell her she's gone to far and needs to come back or stop, but she is also asking for my hand when we are in car areas.

Of course then we will have a day when she absolutely does the opposite of everything I just said and ends up strapped into her stroller with a very irrated mommy. LOL! Oh the joys of two year olds!


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## Pumpkin_Pie (Oct 10, 2006)

I think it is completely reasonable if you are in areas that she can't run safely. I don't really buy the whole "it is hard to walk around with your hand over your head" argument. My son holds my hand for very long stretches of time and has never complained of being in pain or discomfort at all. For the most part, I hold his hand and he dangles his arm from mine. He is not holding the weight of his arm up over his head in any way, and honestly, his arm is MUCH lighter than an adult's arm. Granted, his muscles and skeletal system are all much smaller too, but for the most part, I am holding up the weight, so it is not the same at all.

I too had a runner at that age, and a leash was a wonderful thing for about 6 months. It saved his life, literally, and the sanity of both of us. What we did do was practice running and stopping in safe spaces and eventually he got it. I would go to the mall when there were not a ton of people (early in the morning just after they opened, or even before opening) and put my running shoes on and practice having him walk with me. If he ran, then I ran after him and held his hand for a while. We did the same things in fields as well. I also practiced saying "STOP" and then stopping my own body and stomping both of my feet down in an exaggerated way to make it a game. He would eventually say "STOP!" and stop his feet and expect me to stop too. I would always stop when he asked, and eventually he stopped every time I asked him to. I started practicing with him in more and more "risky" areas, and by the time he around 2.75, he was about 99% good when walking with me. Now at 3.5, I trust him completely. Go with your gut, and please don't feel badly about holding your little one's hand.


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## Lucy&Jude'sMama (Jun 4, 2010)

Pumpkin Pie: Those are some great ideas!


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## redvlagrl (Dec 2, 2009)

Sorry I should clarify - I mean hand holding on sidewalks and car parks, not public parks or other safe places. I mean, she is learning to walk on the sidewalk independently, but I worry about someone reversing quickly out of their drive even if she is just a few steps ahead of me. PLUS I have a 3 month old too, so it's not always easy to wrangle both of them. I would really like her to have more independance, but I am scared too.

I think I will try the STOP thing, though.


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## redvlagrl (Dec 2, 2009)

I am LOLing right now. We just went out for a practice walk (trying out the stop thing) and actually, she wants to be carried. So we got to the end of the block (and she asked to hold my hand a couple of times) and then she did the boneless thing so I asked her if she wanted to walk properly or be carried. She said "carry?" and was happy for me to carry her home even though I tried to put her down a few times (she wasn't having a bar of it!).

Le sigh.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I did with mine on the sidewalk and in parking lots, with both of them, until they demonstrated the control necessary.

"I started practicing with him in more and more "risky" areas, and by the time he around 2.75, he was about 99% good when walking with me. Now at 3.5, I trust him completely. Go with your gut, and please don't feel badly about holding your little one's hand."

We stopped practicing when DD1 seemed to think this was the funniest thing ever, to not stop. I didn't want to teach her that when I say "stop" it's a good idea to giggle and run, so we had to stop that game.

However, she learned to stay with me around the same age as your son. Maybe it's a milestone of some sort.


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

We hold hands in parking lots, crossing streets or in busy stores, crowded public places etc. for safety reasons. There's no exception. He must hold my hand or DH's or both if he'd like. If he refuses and begins to make a fuss we offer to carry him.

We did stop holding his hand at our apartment complex when leaving once he learned to not run out into the parking lot. When he was younger he'd sprint out there but these days we can allow him to walk by himself and he will walk straight to our car (which is always parked by the sidewalk so he never crosses the lot alone or anything.)

We don't leash him. We have one but he thinks it's hilarious to get down on the ground and get pulled around by it. He also likes to pretend to be a dog when it's on.







So obviously, it's useless for us.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

DS1 knew from about 18-24 months (somewhere in their, I forget when exactly) that he either listend, or he held my hand and those were (and still are!) the only options - I was pregnant w/ ds2 at ~19 odd months and thus wasn't into carrying a 25+ pound toddler around, so those were his options... he learned rather quickly to listen to STOP!/PARA!/AQUI! as he generally hates holding my hand for extended lengths of time (probably because I'd imagine its fairly uncomfortable


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I allow ds to walk without holding hands except when crossing streets & in busy parking lots. On sidewalks I make sure I am between him & the street & keep a close eye on the upcoming driveways. He's rarely more than a step or two away from me.


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## LuminosaJane (May 10, 2007)

My dd has always walked independently on sidewalks. We live on a busy street but she does not wander into it. I suspect this is mostly due to her personality and also due to habit. She's been walking long distances since 11mo and it's simply been our habit to stay on the sidewalk. I hold hands to cross a busy street, but not a quiet one and in parking lots. I keep an eye out for reversing cars though and discourage stopping in driveways.

The most important thing is to follow your gut because you know your child best. Mine is not the type to dart into the street, though I'm always on the lookout for the possibility. I love the "stop" game--we'll have to play that one.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

We lived on a busy street so we got lots of practice with walking. Basically, she'd walk, and I'd walk to heel on the street side of the sidewalk. The rule is that we hold hands when cars could do driving, e.g. driveways. DD likes to stop in the middle of streets, so it's only very recently that I've let her walk across a street at all and I still carry her across big streets or streets with traffic (seriously, you can run to the end of the block (new neighborhood isn't busy) in 10 seconds, but it takes you 45 seconds to cross the street?? toddlers







)

Based on what I've seen with my SIL's kids and cousins' kids, you and I don't have darters. Our kiddos might run off if they get mad, but they won't be doing fine and then just bolt for the hills. My nephew is 3 and will still just take off with no clue that he's about to go. But he was ALWAYS a runner. There was never a time when he'd walk holding hands for any length of time. DD, otoh, follows "stay with me" and "HOLD!" and only runs off when I've made it clear that it's a kid-friendly place (annoyingly enough, this includes the Children's Museum, which would be fine except when I had a full bag of library books and wanted to just take them to the car to drop them off







).

We're working on "stay where you can see me"

Oh, and right before your dd's age, dd went through a testing phase where I was seriously considering getting her a leash for my own sanity. I now go to the library with a stroller, so can just fasten her into that when it's time to check out the books and head home. If I needed her to stay close before it was time to leave, I would get a leash at this point.

She rides in the stroller to go home from the library because I'm not coordinating a stroller, bag of books, and toddler over streets with traffic. I do give her the option to walk when we get to the bike trail though, which she never wants.


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## em123 (Jun 9, 2007)

We are like you - my 19 month old either holds my hand or is carried if we are in a parking lot, anywhere around cars (sidewalks) or anywhere I deem it necessary like a crowded area. If he won't hold my hand I'll carry him.

We've been doing it since he learned to walk, so he actually tends to request "hand" when we are in any of the above situations. He runs free at the park, in the yard, etc.

I can't see how this could be overprotective. Kids this young do bolt when they see a puppy or if you're my crazy son, trash that he needs to pick up to give to me.

I do look forward to the day he can walk safely beside me without holding hands, but under 2 years...no freaking way.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

My 20 month old always wants to run into the street so if we are walking on a sidewalk or through a parking lot shes carried, I don't trust her not to run. My 3 1/2 year old has always been great at not running into the street so for her starting at around 2 1/2 she was allowed to walk next to me without holding my hand as long as she listens. She still has to hold my hand to cross streets/parking lots because I like to be able to yank her out of the way in case someone is driving stupid. I know that sounds bad but I had to yank her out of the way of a guy that turned a corner without looking and almost hit her. After that she had to hold my hand when we crossed.

ETA: Outside of parking lots/sidewalks I usually let my girls walk by themselves as long as its not crowded. If its crowded or they won't listen and stay with me they go into the stroller or shopping cart.


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

I held my son's hand in parking lots and crossing streets until he was 5. I don't think that will be necessary with my daughter but my son is a serious airhead. He has very little awareness of where he is in space and what's around him. Even now, I have to keep a close eye on him. I expect my 35 month old daughter will be able to look after herself sooner because she already is equal in ability to my son in some aspects (bathing, dressing, following carseat rules etc). However, I don't expect to "let her loose" until at least 4.

One more thing, my son just turned 6 and I still "supervise" him closely. I remind him constantly to look around him, go slowly, get out of the center of the aisle in the parking lot, etc. When we cross the street, it is his job to look both ways and tell me when it is clear to go.

I did let my kids walk without holding hands on sidewalks in my neighborhood from about 18 months and on other sidewalks if there weren't a lot of alleys and parking lots to pass. (At those, we would hold hands and then let go after.) They weren't dashers and I want them to learn to safely supervise themselves eventually. Because I don't let them learn from experience in busy traffic areas, I figured I would give them experience in the neighborhood.

I have a not completely rational fear of someone backing over my child and I am not afraid to admit it or to accommodate that fear.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

DD is nearly 2.5 and she holds my hand while walking especially at the mall where she's been known to try and run off and into the LV store to chat with the sales girls. If she wants to get out of the stroller and walk in our neighborhood she doesn't have to hold my hand if she holds on to the stroller as I push it.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

My dd is 21 months and if she is walking she is holding my hand. The only exceptions are of course our own yard, and parks and other locations where the area is open and not full of dangers like cars etc. But walking in parking lots, malls, down the street to the pool etc etc, she holds my hand.

The reason is that she is a runner and she is fearless. There is little to nothing that scares her (except strangers, thankfully) and she will take off running, get 20 feet in front of me and hang a left and be in the street so fast. We went on a hike, part of the path was on the edge of a "cliff" (like a 4 ft drop, not a real cliff just high enough that a toddler would get hurt.) and the INSTANT she wasn't being held onto, she was heading for the edge. She's just fearless.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *redvlagrl* 
How do you get your toddler to hold hands in these specific situations unless you're totally consistent with it for all public walking situations?

"Parking Lot" is what we say, and DS knows he has to grab a hand. Sidewalks and the like, he doesn't have to hold. His personality is also quite controlled, so he rarely runs off. When he does run, it has been fairly predictable.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *redvlagrl* 
I think I will try the STOP thing, though.

My sister taught DS the following (to the tune of Frere Jacques):

Walking, walking
Walking, walking
Hop, hop, hop
Hop, hop, hop
Running, running, running
Running, running, running
Now we STOP!
Now we STOP!

Perform the actions as you go along, with an exaggerated STOP until they catch on.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I have more of a dawdler (sp?) than a runner. I usually let her walk independently on sidewalks, paths and in stores and she usually keeps close to me, unless something has caught her interest and she falls behind.

We always hold hands when we cross the street though, and always always in parking lots.

It is not so much that I am afraid she will dart off, but that other drivers may not see her. A car backing out will most likely be able to see me, an adult, out of their rear view mirror, but likely wouldn't see 32inch DD at all. So I keep her close by me around cars and will continue to do so no matter how well she behaves until she is tall enough to be seen on her own.


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