# feelings sad during intimacy with DH



## arianascrunchymama (Dec 9, 2009)

The more I research circumcision, the more I get a pit in my stomach during intimacy with DH. I hate that it's happening to me, but I can't help it. (TMI) he has a purple ring from his scar line around the shaft of his penis and a skin bridge underneath where his frenulum would be. He has a scar on his glans from a skin that was removed when he was a little kid. he says the skin bridge doesn't bother him at all, and he inching toward agreeing to not circ any boys we have but still is more on the pro-circ side of the fence. Seeing was done to him sans pain meds when he was a day old makes me wish I could take undo it.

Has anyone else with a circ'd dh felt this way?


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

I think the vast majority of women who learn the damage of circumcision and it's lifeling effects upon the intimacy a man has with his partner feel this way.

I cannot remember a time when I ever thought circumcision made sense. As I've learned more about it, I have had increasing sadness at what was done to my dh as a non-censenting baby.

In May 2008, I had a son.

I attend an annual event whose sole purpose is to educate about circumcion and protest that female children have legal protection and males do not. At this event in 2009, there was a gathering to recognize the long time work of three specific people. A documentary on the movement to educate about male infant circumcision was shown. It contained still pictures of a circumcision. I saw them and I wept.
Having my own baby boy, the issue just became real to me in a manner that it had never before. My thoughts about my husband experiencing his circumcision were rather persistant for a long time after this event.
I can say that over time, it's subsided a bit. I think it's a very empathetic and compassionate response to pain suffered by someone you dearly love.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

I know that I have absolutely no sadness about DH and his circ, because he has no sadness about it. I can honestly say that he doesn't consider it at all, so why would I? I mean all kinds of things happen to everyone as children that are traumatic, or without their consent or knowledge - to me this is no different. Caveat - neither DH nor I believe in consensual child rearing.

I think it is fine to be empathetic towards a person, and even to grieve a loss they have long since forgotten, but if your grieving process is getting in the way of your marital intimacy you might need to find a way to speed up your grieving process.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I think it is pretty common when you first learn about circ to feel this way. I did at first but over the years it has become less so. I wish that dh never had to endure that pain as an infant and feel sad for "baby" dh

So the way you feel now will pass but keep it in mind when it comes time to stand your ground for your own ds's.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Interesting rhiandmoi.
I'm not familiar with the phrase "consensual child rearing" so I don't know what you mean. If you want to explain further, PM me. I don't want to derail the thread.


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## SH346 (Mar 14, 2010)

arianascrunchymama and PuppyFluffer- Have either of you ever talked to your husbands about foreskin restoration? If they don't know about it, they might be interested.


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

No. It doesn't bother him so it's not an issue that I choose to spend time feeling badly about. I have too many other issues to deal with in my life. I cannot change what happened in the past so it just isn't worth the energy to feel sadness about it.


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## arianascrunchymama (Dec 9, 2009)

I think it's more about wishing that he had been left intact for the sake of any sons we ever have. If he was intact we wouldn't be struggling with making a decision before we TTC again. Or more getting him to agree with me.









I do wish I could take away any pain he endured as a newborn because he's my hubby and I love him. He has no recollection of it and says he's glad his mom decided to have him circumcised.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

i feel bad about it, too. and not only for the pain he experienced as a newborn, and for how it made him want to circumcise his sons (he has two from previous marriage, circumcised) -- i stood my ground on our son (who is intact) in order to validate what was done to him. ALSO and not insignificantly, i feel bad about it for MYSELF and for the loss of what could otherwise be even more extraordinary sexual relations (we're pretty excellent together... how much more fantastic could it have been with the full complement of equipment).

circumcision is such an ODD thing to do. it just makes me shake my head sometimes, in disbelief. it's so PRIMITIVE and downright MEDIEVAL...


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

My husband and I are aware of the process of restoration.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

As a teen I knew enough about circ to know what was stolen from and so did he. But as we continue our education (both interested in sciences) I find the impact to be overwhelming at times. E.g. consider the study that found infants who experience pain/trauma as newborns develop fewer opioid receptors....we are altering baby boys and are still learning how this is impacting them on every plane....anatomically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically...

My heart has ached for DH and what he experienced, and the reminder he has marked on his body. I've been through my own abuse so I know you can't dwell on it or let it take over your feelings, but it is entirely healthy and good to acknowledge what happened, to feel normal human emotions over it....so the last part? How will you turn this into a positive? Where will you go from here?

In DH's opinion, a huge healing factor is knowing that he will have intact children. Knowing that he is informed and he can stop the cycle right here, right now, and that I support him 100% really helps.

Another thing has been to consider restoration. I like this product: (eta I think it might not be allowed bc the link shows how to put it on: PM) because it is less intimidating and can give the man a chance to see "what it's all about" and decide what he wants to do if anything. And then it can still be used no matter what his decision.


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## K-Mom3 (Apr 27, 2009)

It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *K-Mom3* 
It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.











Not to mention I couldn't imagine what making a big deal out of it would do to him









Quote:

I think it is fine to be empathetic towards a person, and even to grieve a loss they have long since forgotten, but if your grieving process is getting in the way of your marital intimacy you might need to find a way to speed up your grieving process.









And perhaps seek some outside help, mama.


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## katiesmom (Dec 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
I think it is pretty common when you first learn about circ to feel this way. I did at first but over the years it has become less so. I wish that dh never had to endure that pain as an infant and feel sad for "baby" dh

So the way you feel now will pass but keep it in mind when it comes time to stand your ground for your own ds's.

So true. I felt bad about my dh's circ when I realized what a horrid thing it is. I don't think about it any more. He's happy, so I'm happy.


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## GreenGranolaMama (Jul 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *K-Mom3* 
It never occurred to me to be sad for my dh about being circed. We are pretty AP parents and didn't circ our son. But dh doesn't really care and doesn't give it a second thought that it was done to him. So I don't care either.

Same here


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## arianascrunchymama (Dec 9, 2009)

I would NEVER, EVER bring it up to him! He is the epitome of the man with a sensitive ego to boot. I never told him he had a skin bridge, just casually asked "does this hurt you?". He replied no, and we moved on.

This is so sad to say but I never knew you could NOT circ until 8 months ago. I was raised Jewish so my brother is circumcised. I'm only 25 so every man I've ever been with has been foreskin-less. When we found out we were pregnant with DD my midwife asked me about circ in case the baby was a boy and we replied "oh, of course we will!"







it makes me sooo thankful that she's a girl and was spared my ignorance.

I'm sure I'll get over it soon, but I can't help but to continue to immerse myself in research which probably only aggravates the problem.

thank you for relating and giving your kind words.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

I was a bit sad for DH...especially after his 2nd Meatal Stenosis surgery. He's okay with it though and would have been on board with leaving any son's we had (we only have a DD) intact. He really doesn't understand my passion for the subject though.

I feel more sad for me...for us...for what we are missing. But it is what it is and I know it will stop with my DH for our family. I get some peace from that.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I don't understand how anyone *wouldn't feel sadness* at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Emphasis mine.
Exactly!


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## shishkeberry (Sep 24, 2004)

I feel sorry for my DP, but I don't bring it up. He's agreed that we won't circ any boys we may have together, and that's the only battle that was worth winning to me. He doesn't like the idea of leaving them intact (and thinks I'm a little crazy for being so passionate about it) but he knows it's the one thing that I will not abide.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Hi, just a friendly reminder of the forum's guidelines:

Quote:

While circumcision has sexual impact, any discussion of a sexual concern needs to remain clinical in nature, focused on the actual impact of circumcision and in keeping with the MDC User Agreement:

Quote:

Do not post profane or sexually explicit text. Discussions of a sexual nature should be within the realm of topics inherent to Mothering discussions such as sex after delivery, sex and the family bed, etc.
Please avoid slang terms for anatomy. Posts containing graphic sexual discussion or that link to or reference sexually explicit material are inappropriate for the forum and will be removed. Foreskin restoration discussion is beyond the current scope of this forum, however, we encourage those interested to check the Web Resource Thread for further information and helpful sites devoted to this topic.
Please PM me with any questions, thanks!


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Amen. In fact, the lack of emotion seems to suggest a lingering discomfort with intactivism and that perhaps circumcision is still perceived as no big deal. It is a very big deal, no matter how old the victim.

To the OP: I definitely went through a phase of grieving for the baby dh and grieving for what could have been in our sex life. He doesn't have any complications (aside from the amputation itself) and was left with a fair amount of looseness, but I am/was sad for his lack of finer sensations, and the fun things that can be done with the foreskin.

I know that a huge part of the grieving process is to feel the emotions and not try to rush right to "there's nothing I can do so I won't feel anything." In most/all cases, that is counter-productive as the feelings will eventually worm their way out in a less-healthy way. Like perhaps in denying that others may feel sad about their husbands being circ'ed.

Anyway, I suggested restoration to my dh, and he never wanted to do it. Eventually my own feelings wore themselves out and I never feel sad during sex itself. So, like everything else in life - it will pass, you will heal, but for now, yes, it sucks.


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## annablue (Apr 6, 2010)

Another reason I'm glad my husband is intact... I would probably have issues with sadness, guilt, wondering "what could have been," etc if he was circumcised.


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## Tiana (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I don't understand how anyone wouldn't feel sadness at knowing what happens to men when they are circ'd particularly in infancy and childhood.

Exactly this.

It definitely makes me sad to think what happened to DH as a baby and for what all he (and us, together) lost as a result. I don't dwell on it, and it doesn't affect our intimacy, but I do feel sad.

DH and I have actually talked a fair bit about it, as I'm extremely passionate about this subject. I told him as angry and sad as I am that this happened to him, I in no way blame his mum. When he was born, circumcision was still covered by government insurance here, and I don't think MIL was even really asked. The way she kind of talked about it (in passing once), it sounded like it was more of a '_When_ do you want this done?' as opposed to 'Do you even want it done at all?'

He doesn't have as strong of feelings about his own circ as I do. To him it's just the way he's always been, so it's 'normal'. However, he thinks it's a completely unnecessary procedure and was totally on board with keeping our children intact. Knowing that my own son is intact, and that every other young boy I know is as well, has really helped me. I still get a little sad thinking about it, but I don't let it rule my life.


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## nsmomtobe (Aug 22, 2009)

I mostly feel sad for myself because DH doesn't seem to care. I understand that it's probably just a defense mechanism but every time I bring up the subject, he tells me I'm making too big a deal out of it, so I don't bring it up anymore, but in my opinion, DH's circumcision does impact our sex life.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NSmomtobe* 
I mostly feel sad for myself because DH doesn't seem to care. I understand that it's probably just a defense mechanism but every time I bring up the subject, he tells me I'm making too big a deal out of it, so I don't bring it up anymore, *but in my opinion, DH's circumcision does impact our sex life*.

It has to. It's a basic principle of physics. You cannot change form without altering function.

The damage of circumcision ripples out far and wide. The emotional pain and sense of regret that women of circumcised men experience is just another one of the ripples of harm.


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## shishkeberry (Sep 24, 2004)

I also feel sad that I will probably never know what it's like to have sex with an intact man. The only intact adult male that I know is my brother (not going there!) and I hope to be with my DP for the rest of my life. I have to desire to cheat on him. So if we stay together until we're old, I'll never know what it's like.


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## elanorh (Feb 1, 2006)

Yes, I went through some grieving during the first six months or so that I really started learning about circumcision. I was sad for dh for what happened to him as a baby, what was taken from him .... I was also sad for what was taken from US as a married couple.







It took awhile to work through.

I was sharing what I was learning with dh, so he learned about it too -- we'd been anti-circ (but not really informed about it) prior to that, anyway. But dh did begin to feel sensitive about it -- I don't think many men want to think too deeply about it (at least, dh doesn't). We do know that it has negatively affected our love life (we had a real a-ha! moment reading about that). He knows what he's missing now, I've mentioned that we can do things to try to adjust but he's not interested. It's a really deep scar, you know?







So I did work not to be SO sad about it, because it made him feel sad and defensive, too.

It's been a few years since I became so strongly anti-circ. Dh is just as supportive as I am of intactivism ... I love the whole him, even while wishing he had been spared.


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## heidirk (Oct 19, 2007)

I went through a period of mourning over my 'baby' DH's circ. IT was connected to the fact that my intact brother chose to circ HIS sons, and so the images of tiny babes and RIC were just too real.

as time passed, the sadness has faded, and i'm glad we have what we do have. Things are good, and I do not EVER bring it up to him.

Stand strong for your DS's and mourn if you need to.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

I absolutely had a period of sadness for my DH. I think it did effect my enjoyment of sex for a very short period of time (but I was also pregnant or had just had my son, can't exactly remember, so sex was wonky anyway, KWIM?

I had a real Ah-ha! moment after looking at some of the links I found here. I instantly went from a dispassionate mother of an intact son to a passionate intactavist. I think the thing that finally got me was looking at photos of what a skin bridge looks like, what a typical circ scar looks like, etc... and I realized every single adult penis I had ever seen was damaged. I cried for all of the babies that had ever had a circ and could not help feel sadness for what my DH had lost. I learned about how the foreskin works and what it looks like (I had never seen an adult with a foreskin). Then I cried some more for what DH had lost.

I got over it... without any professional help I might add. I just need time to absorb this new understanding of something that our culture treats so casually.


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## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

This thread may help you as well. I struggled for a while with the fact that my DH was circed, but am much better about it now.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1106496


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## Fellow Traveler (Jan 8, 2008)

I just will jump in and say that I think it's fine to feel sad or remorseful but ultimately I think it's best to put those feeling to positive use. We can't change what happened but we can make the future better. Not just by keeping your boys intact but doing what you feel comfortable doing to speak out. Try not to dwell too much on what can't really be changed.


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## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

It bothers me a bid, because it negatively (for me) affects our sex life.

Being as DH isn't sad or hurt by it, I quickly got over the "grieving" in the sense referred to in this thread.


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## myk (Nov 24, 2006)

i feel sad when i think about it. he agrees that it was done without his permission and objects to it. i'm glad he feels that way, if we have a son he won't worry about "matching".

my nephew is circ'd and apparently slept through the whole thing. it still made me cringe to see it.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

It had never even crossed my mind to feel anything about DH's circed penis (well beyond the normal woo sex emotions). I honestly have no feelings about it at all except for occasionally wishing he wasn't so he wouldn't even be thinking about circ-ing any boy we may have.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Just a reminder:

Quote:

In an effort to minimize language which might alienate those seeking information, we are cautious about using pejorative terms such as abuse, barbarism, mutilation, etc. when routinely discussing circumcision. Let the facts speak for themselves.
Please keep this in mind when posting.


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## hakunangovi (Feb 15, 2002)

myk said:


> my nephew is circ'd and apparently slept through the whole thing. /QUOTE]
> 
> I understand that this is what many of the nurses are instructed to tell the parents. However I do not believe that any baby "sleeps" through a circumcision. What is known is that many little ones go into shock - it is their coping mechanism - and therefore might appear to be sleeping.


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