# Ryland's story...(loss at 41 weeks)



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I know I posted this in the September 05 due date club, but I thought I should post it here, so that people would know why I'm lurking in this forum now.

Somehow I knew that I would end up going int labor on labor day--it was just too cliche... Sure enough, my water broke late labor day at 40w5d. Unfortunately, that was the only sign of labor I would have--I swear this whole thing was an eerie flashback to Brandon's birth. I never went into labor after that...well, nothing more than a few easy contractions. They ended up doing pitocin to jumpstart things at around 20 hours because I was GBS+ and he needed to be out soon. They started the pitocin on low, and every time they turned it off, labor would completely stop. I was having all of the pain and anguish of pitocin contractions, and very very little progress--very slow progress.

About 24 hours after my water broke, I had dilated to about a 6...I came into the hospital at a 3. After 24 hours, they just needed to get him out because of the GBS+, so I got the epidural (I was in too much pain anyhow) and they turned up the pitocin to get things going a lot. Unfortunately, Ryland got stuck coming down, just like Brandon, and after 2 hours of pushing, we noticed his heartrate was going from 150 to 38. I begged them to use the vacuum to get him out because it was really the last chance we had, but it was just too late--his heartrate never recovered after he was finally born--I think the monitor showed it as still varying between the two even as they were taking his body out (they did end up using the vacuum). I don't remember anything other than nurses yelling for me to push...I wish I would have heard if his heartbeat was still on the monitor then. To this day, we don't know if he was born alive or died a few seconds before birth (we requested his records, but they haven't arrived yet).

They pulled him out and put him on my chest while the doctor cut the cord--he never moved or made a sound. I knew something was wrong...he was limp and the doctor was cutting the cord so hurridly. She is the type of doctor who doesn't cut the cord until it stopped pulsating. She told me to stroke his head and everyone was yelling at me to talk to him. But it was all a blur...he was only on my chest until the cord was cut--something like 30 seconds. I asked the doctor why he wasn't crying, and she said he wasn't supposed to because he was covered in merconium and had swallowed a ton of it. So, they wisked him out to the little area of the room that was set up for the baby--I never saw what happened after this because I was still being stitched up, but I guess they were doing CPR, pumping air into his chest with a little balloon bag thing, and they gave him 6 shots of epinepheran (at the beginning, he wasn't breathing but his heart was working, but several minutes later when they were pumping him, his heart stopped too). I don't know how long it was, but I had been stitched up a long time before the pediatrician came out and said they just couldn't do anything else--it was at least 30 minutes, maybe 45 or 60 where they were trying to get him to breathe, and he just never did.

They wrapped him up in a blanket and put his hat on and brought him out for Dave to hold--it was at that time the priest finally made it and baptized him (I yelled for them to call a priest 5 minutes after Ry was born but noone would admit that it was that bad. So, the priest didn't make it in time--not that he would have been allowed in the room if he had, because the baby area was really small).

My God, this baby is beautiful. Ryland's face is an exact carbon copy of Brandon's...not Brandon as a baby, but Brandon right now. And he has a head of gorgeous thick black hair...and brown eyes. I thought Dave was lying when he said Ry had brown eyes because I thought all baby's eyes were blue, but he's right--Ry has my thick dark hair and very deep brown eyes. He is absolutely one of the most beautiful babies in the world. I have a couple pictures the hospital took--both color and black and white. I'm so glad they thought to take pictures of him. And I'm glad my husband took pictures of him too--he unwrapped Ryland and took pictures of him. I never saw him unwrapped...

Ryland Josef William Shardell was born at 3:09 AM on September 7, 2005. He was 7 lbs, 10 ounces and 20.5" long. His head was 14 1/2" around and his chest was 12" long. He is just absolutely beautiful and perfect and gorgeous and right up to the end, he was fighting for everything. Our only solace is that he never knew anything but being warm and safe and cozy inside his mommy...he never knew anything harsh about the world. He knew his mommy and daddy and big brother and spent many hours kicking back at us.

We will never really know what happened because we declined the autopsy. Today, the ob said something though that made sense. Most remember that I had an ob appointment at the end of pregnancy where his heartrate was documented at over 200 bpm. The next week, the doula caught it really low at 120 bpm. During the last part of labor, his heartrate was fluctuating so much...from the 30's to the 180's. She said that she believes he may have had a defect in his heart, but because there is no family history, no advanced ultrasounds were done during pregnancy to actually search for a specific heart defect. She thinks this defect in combination with the stress of the delivery caused him to pass a ton of merconium--there was just so much there. With everything that happened, he just never could have survived, and even if he did survive, the heart defect most likely would have just gone undetected and would have unfortunately been discovered within a few days after birth. The ob also says (actually the doula said it, and the ob agreed) that because both of my labors were nearly identical--both required inductions but even with the inductions I never went into labor with help--they think it is low oxytocin. That is the same thing that would contribute to low milk supply. She thinks that this is a case that no matter what, I literally will never be able to go into and sustain labor, and the fact that there was no sign of labor starting after 24 hours of having the water broke pretty much goes along with that.

The ob says if we ever get pregnant again, I will have an automatic c-section at 38 or 39 weeks, and I will be considered extremely high risk. I will have to have a heart specialist do very frequent high-level ultrasounds and fetal ekg's. It does make me feel better that in the future this will be monitored. Nothing is what we would have chosen, but it's better knowing that if we ever decide to have another child, we will be doing it surrounded by the best specialists in the state of Ohio and the chance of this ever happening again are very slim. This is all so hard to take--he was originally a planned homebirth until the GBS+ test...

We're still getting through minute by minute. Strangely enough, once we got home, it was just like life started where it left off--Brandon still has his routines and everything is just where it was when we left. It's just an odd feeling. It's really hard though because things weren't supposed to be the same when we got back, and it's really hard knowing that these two boys, so close in age, won't be the best friend playmates everyone expected. Brandon never got to know his brother, and we never got to know our sweet angel baby. I just don't know where we go from here...

Ryland's funeral was a week ago today. In fact, a week ago this very minute was the last time we saw our precious angel. I still can't believe this is real... It's something that happens to people you don't know...it's not something that happens to you. At least that's what I always thought... When it happens, it shakes your entire world up...nothing makes sense anymore. He was a baby...a perfect baby. My pregnancy was picture perfect. His heartrate was fine for the first 24 hours of labor. Something like this is like being hit upside the head and knocked down with a huge stick...noone ever saw it coming...

We still haven't packed away his clothes or his teeny tiny diapers. I keep trying, but every time I try, Bran stops me. It's weird--it happened twice, both a couple days apart... Once, I tried to unpack the hospital bag and then last night I tried packing up Ryland's diapers. Both times, Brandon would come over to me, sit on my lap, and give me a huge hug and wouldn't let go... I guess he's telling me it's not time for that yet....he's probably right too. That little boy is so intuitive...

So, that's my story... Like every single person here, I never thought I'd have to tell my baby's birth story in here... I never thought I'd be out of the hospital 24 hours after birth planning a funeral. Two weeks ago, when I imagined September, I imagined nursing my toddler and my baby together... (although I tear up every time I nurse Brandon because I know this milk was a gift to him from his little brother...)

Thank you for reading everyone...


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## MizLiz (Jan 23, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby... how heartbreaking for you.

Please take care of yourself.


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## mama de dos (Sep 11, 2003)

I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss. You and your family have been and will continue to be in my thoughts.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Oh Ally.







I know your pain and grief mama. I'm right there with you. Take care of yourself.







s


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Ally I am so sorry about Ryland. I am sad to welcome you to this sisterhood, that no one wants to be in. But know that we are all here for you. Reaching out to other Moms of babies born sleeping, really helps. Know that I think about you ds, all the time.
Hugs & Love Ally.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

ally,
i am sorry for you and your family's loss of ryland. it is totally a surreal experience to have a normal, picture perfect pregnancy and then at the last moment everything is changed. just six months ago i was so largely pregnant, anticipating with so much love and happiness and excitement meeting my baby... and then, in an instant, i became a mother of a child who has died.

i hope you can get all the support you need here and in your life there in ohio... there has been a great comfort for me here, writing to and reading the words of all of these special mothers who know how i feel inside my heart, and the pain in my innermost soul.

i'll never forget the love and happiness i felt, 10 days past my due date, rubbing my hands in circles around the baby's back and feet through my belly, feeling her 'little kickers' running around inside her little 5-star hotel, and this is the true moment of mothering that i like to rememeber with coral. ryland's life with you was short, but just as love-filled and purposeful as brandon's... he will always be your beautiful, brown-eyed second son... you are in my thoughts... coralsmom


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## Ms.Doula (Apr 3, 2003)

Oh Ally!! I know the pain is terrible! I so wish no mother ever had to feel the pain we all share!








Just know that we are here & it does get easier but your son is forver a part of you & everyone else who hears his story.....
You are all in our prayers.







Mama!


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

I am soo sorry to hear of your loss.
















I don't often post because I always feel that my typing does not properly convey the emotion welling up inside of me, but I was so moved by your reference to life going on as before because of your 2 year old son. I have 2 lovely living sons who were still running around and laughing the day after we lost Finnegan. They help me to function every day -- minimally I have to. But it's hard to not just be able to shut down and cry for a long period. My older ds is in kindergarten and ds#2 just started a once a week coop preschool. As I left his school on Wednesday I realized that this was the FIRST time I had been alone and without responsibility since Finn died. It was really hard, this was supposed to be my alone with baby time. But it was. I went to the cemetery and was able to sit there and just cry and talk to Finn for an hour - not something I can do with my 2 others and it was very helpful.

Brandon will keep laughter in your life and keep you going, but try and take some time to stop going when you get the chance. I hope this makes sense.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Ally,

I am so, deeply sorry for your loss. I have no words for you, but I am truly sorry and wish you comfort and peace.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Ally,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of little Ryland. Many hugs to your family.

~Nay


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

momma. your family is in my thoughts


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Ally,

I am so sorry for your loss of Ryland.








to you and your family.

Janetann


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## CRISSY (May 21, 2005)

Ohh Ally, what a story. My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family lots of love.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Ally,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Ryland is such a cute name. Please know that so many of us here (too many) that have gone through what you have and we are here to help you get through it if you need us. Please feel free to PM me. You have embarked on a difficult journey of grief and healing and it helps to have people who have been there. Many blessings to you and your family.


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

Ally, I am so sorry. It sounds like he was absolutely beautiful. You and your family are in my heart.


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## *Devon* (Aug 9, 2004)

There are no words. Take care of yourself.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Ally,

I am so sorry you have had to join us here.
I am wishing you some peace on this very rough journey you are embarking on.


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## lovinmama (Nov 23, 2001)




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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## corrio (Jul 11, 2005)

I just wanted to say I could of written what you just did..

My sweet baby boy was born on August 29.. at 40 weeks +4 days.. and passed away soon after birth..

Tears are just streaming down my face right now.. Its such a hard situation to be in and deal with..

I am also nurseing my 2 year old son..

I just want to say your not alone.

hugs and many more

Lisa


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

I am so terribly, terribly sorry for the loss of your precious son Ryland.

(((((((AllyRae and Ryland)))))))


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh Lisa...I'm so sorry for you.


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

You and Ryland and your family have never left my thoughts-peace to you all mama and take care of yourself.


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## Sandrine (Apr 14, 2004)

I'm soooo sorry for you loss.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

I am so, so profoundly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Ryland. My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Im so sorry


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.
















Ryland


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

I am so very sorry.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Well, we just got the answer we were waiting all weekend for. The chaplain from the hospital called...Ryland is officially classified as a stillborn who passed away literally 2 seconds before birth.







His apgars when he was born were 0. We weren't sure what he was going to be classified as because he had a heart rate, albiet low, 30 seconds before birth. Apparently the monitor stopped picking anything up the last few seconds though.









DH is really torn up about it now--I got to touch Ryland when he was crowning (and still alive), but by the time he was on my chest and dh got to touch him, he was already gone...


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Oh Ally.







s I am sorry.


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm really sorry


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## Maderella (Mar 20, 2005)

Allyrae,

You don't know me but I have followed you and the others from the September due date club since back in January because I was once a member. In fact my due date is Wednesday but it will be a day filled with sadness and pain, I lost my Annie Rae when I was 6 months along. I am so sorry for your loss. It's beyond comprehension, how this can happen. When I read of your dear Ryland I was stunned, please know that you and your precious son are in my thoughts.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I am so sorry ot hear of your loss, you are in my thoughts..


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## Maderella (Mar 20, 2005)

Tomorrow will be my due date. I want to hide from it but of course I can't. I want to "take the day off" just for myself but being a mommy I can't.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

for you Maderella. Thinking of you today.

Janetann


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Ally,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am really looking forward to getting to know you on MOA. Lots of peace and love being sent your way!!!


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## mamaBlue (May 27, 2003)

I'm so sorry.


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## mamamoo (Apr 29, 2002)

mama...there are no words.


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## grypx831 (May 22, 2005)

I'm praying for your family


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## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

Ally, I'm so sorry.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Ally,
Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful boy Ryland with us.

Patti


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Ally - I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain is unbearable and no one should EVER have to go thru what you have. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please be easy on yourselves.


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

((((Ally))))

No-one deserves to feel such pain and heartache. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Ryland with us - he won't be forgotten.


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## mykidsmama (Jun 15, 2003)

As I write with tears streaming down my cheeks I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry







Hang in there!







I am praying for you


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I am so, so sorry. My son had a heart defect that we didn't know about either until he was born.







I pray you find peace.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

Thank you for your beautifully written story. I am so, so sorry.


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## Tine (Jan 12, 2005)

Weeping for you. Also sending you prayers and love.


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## mighty-mama (Sep 27, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am touched to hear your words of the life your baby knew in your body. You provided him with the best world while he was here.


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## polka123 (Nov 27, 2003)




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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Ally, I am so sorry for your loss.

Did they say anything about the cord to you? This sounds like a cord issue to me...my labor was very similar to yours.

I hope you get the answers you need very soon.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

The cord was around his neck, but it was really loose the OB said, and the cord gasses show that he was plenty oxygenated. Actually, we got some new information this week...apparently he had a heartrate at 1 minute before birth, and then the strip showed that his heart was still beating at 30 seconds before birth. The internal monitor was removed at this point, but he wasn't alive when he was born. So, the ob's best guess is that he probably had a heart defect (resulting in the very weird heartrates we were getting during delivery, and also once or twice during pregnancy). Because of this, as his head was passing through the perinium, his body just became too stressed and he passed a ton of meconium...then he most likely took his first breath before his head was removed and he inhaled it (the doctors/nurses got 5 sucker-bulbs full out of him and there was still more).

So, this week we learned his placenta and cord were fine, but the stress of the last few seconds of the delivery was just too much for his tiny body to take.







The poor baby was less than 30 seconds away from being born.









So, these are probably the only answers we will end up getting, since we're done with our meetings with the OB and neonatologist. But, we are very comforted in knowing that when he crowned and I reached down to touch him, my baby was still alive and could feel that. Actually the touch of his mama was the very last thing he ever felt...in some ways, that is very comforting to us. Or at least as comforting as anything can be in this situation...it's still so hard.


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## Ms.Doula (Apr 3, 2003)

awwww ally!!!







:


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)




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## shimmer (Mar 17, 2003)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of Ryland. (What a wonderful name!) You've written so well about him...what a lovely tribute.

My daughter died during labor two years ago. It is a challenge to learn how to parent an older child and a child who has died. Time has helped but my heart still hurts...it hurts for you right now.


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## daekini (Jun 17, 2004)

Ally, ALLY! I'm so sorry for you. I buy diapers from you frequently ~ my babies are wearing things that came from you. I'd been lurking, keeping track of your pregnancy, but since my son's birth I've sort of lost track... then today I saw in someone's signature line something about Ally and Ryland and I instantly knew it was you. I'm devastated for you! My face is streaming tears and I just can't believe this happened. I wish I could somehow reach through the time and space between us and heal this horrible wound. I really wish I could take it back for you and for every other mother who has been through this. I've never experienced it - and in some ways it makes me even more emotional about it because I can't imagine life without my children - and I'm so sad that anyone would have to feel your pain. Please accept my heartbroken condolences, Ally.

love,
ali


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.







My heart breaks for you. I will say a little prayer for you and your family. Please take good care of yourself.


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