# I think my BFF hates my son *long*



## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

I know that sounds really extreme but I really do. He's 27 months old and everytime she visits she always _looks_ for something to complain about concerning him. She's always trying to discipline him (which I don't like in the first place) but always over things that I wouldn't even discipline him about.
Just the other day she was visiting and he was playing "peek a boo" in my curtains. No biggie, he's not hurting anything and he's enjoying himself so what do I care? She started nagging him and then told me I should make him stop or hem my curtains so he can't reach them. Uh...why? When I told her it didn't bother me she rolled her eyes.
She just had her first child and I have 2. I'm not saying that makes me a better mother but she never wanted kids and she gets annoyed at her 2 month old son very easily.
Anyhow, when DS wants someone to play with him he'll sometimes toss a toy their way (literally) not always realizing that he could harm someone. He tossed a toy to my friend saying "Cicki, play!" (her name is Vicki and that's how he says her name) and she was holding her son and the little plastic alligator hit him in the head and he started to cry. Now, I understand mama bear instinct and all that but she whipped her head and eyed me crazily and said very dramatically, "Oh my f***ing G-d! He just threw that at my baby!" DS really did not mean to hit him but I picked him up, explained that we should not throw things, etc. etc. and then asked if he could apologize and kiss the baby's owies. He did so very sincerely.
However, she didn't seem to think my "punishment" for his "horrible misbehavior" was severe enough and started to berate me for my parenting strategy.
Now generally when things like this happen, discipline/talking occurs, apology, etc...then it's over and done with. At least that's how I handle things. She has gone to every single one of our mutual friends and told them about how my "horrible, horrible" child "terrorizes" her and her son and according to her all I did was stand there and look at her with a blank stare.







:
I love this girl and we've been best friends for over 16 years but she hates my son and I've tried and tried to talk to her about it but nothing helps. I don't know what her issue is! Help!


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Part of me wants to cut her some slack because she has such a new baby and it's her first so it's easy to be tired, short-tempered, and very protective.

Then I think even if that is the case, clearly she's just not handling it very well and maybe it's a good time to hold off on visiting with the kids around...at least till hers is older and maybe not so fragile-seeming to her.

However, the business about bad-mouthing your kid to all your friends is just unacceptable. It was an accident and one day her child will do something similar. I hope she apologizes.

Hugs for you. It's so hard to find friends, it's hard to know when to cut ties and when to hang in there.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I went through those same feelings when I had my dd. EVERYTHING bugged me. EVERYTHING was a huge deal. I think I was like that for about two years.

Looking back, I probably could have used some counseling or medication, because obviously I was completely out of whack. But, at the time, I thought it was everybody else, and it couldn't possibly be me.

Maybe make your visits a little shorter, or fewer and farther between. Give her time to settle in, she will probably come around soon.

DON'T suggest medication. LMAO. I would have been appalled if someone had told me they thought I had gone off the deep end.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Yikes!

How long has this been going on? Could she have PPD (not saying she has it, just wondering)? You mentioned she never wanted children in the first place. Did it start when she was pregnant? Could it be crazy pregnancy hormones that haven't quite gotten back to normal yet?

I'm not at all excusing her behavior, just trying to figure out what her issue could be.

I can see why she'd be upset about the "punishment" or lack of. Parent's who believe in more conventional punishment would probably be pretty peeved about their newborn being hit by a toy and the child throwing it not being punished. I can understand their POV on that. And I'm not saying you should have punished him or anything, cause he is young and it was an accident. I'm just saying I can see how she would be upset.

But, honestly, if it's like that every time she's around your son and she just seems to look for things to snark at him about, I probably wouldn't have her around him. Does she hurt his feelings with the way she is? Because if she did I really, really wouldn't want her around him.

And I have to say, it wouldn't have been so bad if she were just complaining to her friends about you "not punishing" him for throwing the toy, but to start talking bad about a child is really crossing a line. And she should have realized it was just an accident and he's a little boy.

If nothing helps at all, not even talking to her about it, what about becoming more of phone buddies and not hanging out together much? At least not until she's dealt with her issues.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I third the suggestion that she might have PPD. Check out the Postpartum depression board - there's a link to some quizzes you can give her.

Some friends are best seen without kids. See if you can't arrange to see her without your ds. That might mean you need to see her less frequently. I suspect that as soon as her newborn gets to be 2, she'll see that your child is not a holy terror. Until then, you need to just keep the 2 apart.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I'd say dump her. Sorry if that's harsh, but she's bad-mouthing your family behind your back. I understand depression, but I don't think it excuses that behavior, or that it would necessarily be caused by depression. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life, she sounds toxic. Sheesh! I'm getting mad at her just thinking about it! Even if you completely disagree with someone's entire parenting philosophy, you're going to refer to your best friend's child as "horrible"? Way out of line!


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## go0ber (May 26, 2008)

she sounds like a nitpicking bitch to me. i understand the mama bear instinct too but it sounds like she always has to find something to bitch and moan about. meh i'd cut your losses with this one.







i have a feeling she's going to get worse as her kid gets older and she will pull passive-aggressive moves like "my son never does such and such" while your son is doing it. i dunno. she just sounds really uptight.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Yikes. I too, thought ppd. I don't know how your dynamic is with her, but is there a way you could (VERY gently) suggest it? I had severe ppd for a long time after dd1. And EVERYthing bothered me. Now, having dd2, I see that's just not normal. I'm much more relaxed with dd2, I can let things roll off my back, and can step back and look at the big picture. I was totally incapable of doing that with dd1.

Other than that, I would try to sit her down and have a talk about parenting styles. You chose one way, she may chose a different way, let's just agree to disagree. She doesn't HAVE to hang out with you if your son stresses her out so much, you know? And tell her if she has a question or concern about how you handle anything, to ask you, not to gossip about you, and you'd be happy to explain. I had a friend like this. It was very frustrating. Everything we did came under scrutiny-co-sleeping, extended nursing (she almost fell over when she recently found out I was nursing dd1 who is 3 AND dd2







) unschooling, CL, everything. And you know what? I was pretty darn judgmental before I had kids too.







I was a nanny, so I thought I could handle any kid. Well, it's much different with your own!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I would create some space between yourself and her. Distance yourself as much as you can. Don't call her, learn to say "Not today" when she calls you to get together. Don't be rude and don't burn bridges. If she calls asking for help -- then go ahead and help her. Go to big important things like birthdays, etc. But create some space in terms of everyday activities, and don't trust her with the things closest to your heart right now. And don't ask her for help.

If she asks what's up -- you could say that you know your kid gets on her nerves, and you think it would be good to put some space between them until he grows out of his current "phase." (Or until she grows out of hers! But you probaby can't say that.) If she doesn't ask though, then don't tell.

In a year or two, its possible that she'll be more understanding and your connection to her could grow strong again. Or maybe not -- but try to leave open that possibility.

Thats what I would do, anyway.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I've had PPD very severely 3 times, and honestly I did not have the energy it takes to be that much of a U/A violation.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I bet if you wait 25 months, she'll be more understanding about 27-month-old kids.

Till then, I might limit time. I had PPD and I was too tired and weepy to be like that. These hormonal things don't hit us all the same way, though, so I wouldn't rule it out.


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

sounds to me like shes hurting...maybe having a hard time with her own mama feelings. It is really unfair for her to be critical of you like that. There is a big difference between being judgmental of the way you do things and being critical. I thinks all moms do a little bit of judging when we are around other parents who may do things differently than us. I think it's normal and help us decide how we would handle things in certain situations. this kind of berating is not how friends treat eachother, though.

maybe she needs some reminders about age appropriate behavior. two year olds sometimes throw things...it's unfortunate that it hit her baby. accidents happen and I don't think you handeled it wrong.

I think I'd be having a big fat talk if someone labeled my child as "horrible"







:







I am so sorry mama...thats hurtful.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I would tell her to stop dissing YOUR CHILD behind your back and I'd personally say she should get back to you when she is ready to be civil and then maybe, if she cares, you can share what it's like to have an older child and how your parenting philosophy differs from her. And then don't talk to her. yeesh.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I have a good friend who sort of went off the deep end when she had her son. She screamed at my child when a nerf ball bounced down the stairs and into her baby's head -- something about doing permenant brain damage. She also yelled at me when I jostled her stroller once, accusing me of giving her son shaken baby syndrom. Um... not too likely. She was definitely suffering from PPD and admitted it, but was too terrified of the potential effects on her breastfeeding son to seek medication. All of which sort of goes to say BTDT. No fun. Ultimately, we limited the time we spend with them for a bit. As her son got older (now nearly 3), she got more rational. Though honestly I still only see her when I have lots of energy and patience because now she's into this phase that her son hits my kids and she doesn't intervene at all. I don't expect discipline per se, just for someone other than myself to stand up and take the stick/bat/toy that he's bashing my kid with out of his hands. Luckily my 8 YO is incredibily good about not fighting back!

I think you will need to step back a bit, limit your time with her, try to visit without your child in tow, and wait for things to level out a bit.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I had PPD and I was too tired and weepy to be like that. These hormonal things don't hit us all the same way, though, so I wouldn't rule it out.

I had PPA (postpartum anxiety) and can clearly see how "every little thing" could bother someone. I was bothered by ds' BREATHING for heaven's sake!


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

If you can't reason with her, perhaps you need a new friend









Swearing at/about your son is so not ok. Neither is him throwing stuff and you rationalizing it, but he is a baby and they are impulsive. Either that or meetings without kids.

I 'had' a girlfriend who was wildly jelous of the attention my dd got. We used ot be best friends. She really started to hate me whe she realised my dd was #1 and that was not up for negotiations. And dd never did anything to her. Dd was 6 months old last time I talked to my friend-dd is 6 years now. I stopped calling and stopped being available for getting together. I did try to tell her why I was weaning her(friend) off me, but she wouldn't hear me.
Life is easier with out that needy, bitchy friend.


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## amis2girls (Mar 2, 2005)

another vote for PPD


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

BunnySlippers said:


> If you can't reason with her, perhaps you need a new friend
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I would create some space between yourself and her. Distance yourself as much as you can. Don't call her, learn to say "Not today" when she calls you to get together. Don't be rude and don't burn bridges. If she calls asking for help -- then go ahead and help her. Go to big important things like birthdays, etc. But create some space in terms of everyday activities, and don't trust her with the things closest to your heart right now. And don't ask her for help.

If she asks what's up -- you could say that you know your kid gets on her nerves, and you think it would be good to put some space between them until he grows out of his current "phase." (Or until she grows out of hers! But you probaby can't say that.) If she doesn't ask though, then don't tell.

In a year or two, its possible that she'll be more understanding and your connection to her could grow strong again. Or maybe not -- but try to leave open that possibility.

Thats what I would do, anyway.

This sounds like a good solution. Sorry, I'm naking so I can't reply to everyone right now but thanks for all the advice!!


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

aaronsmom said:


> BunnySlippers said:
> 
> 
> > If you can't reason with her, perhaps you need a new friend
> ...


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

It is really hard sometimes to be around someone & their child when you don't agree with how they are disciplining &/or feel that their child is not well-behaved. I have been the "judgemental" one (although I always kept my mouth shut as I knew it was MY issue) & honestly a lot of it was pure jealousy - we struggled with fertility for a long time.

I wouldn't end the friendship. I would have the hard conversation (without the children around if at all possible) & explain how you feel & perhaps your discipline philosophies. I bet a frank conversation would bring to light things you don't even realize are there & would likely fix the situation.

If this is a long term friendship it is worth putting the work into. A LOT of people have conflicts with friends during this tough parenting time & find that as the children age the tensions go away. In the meantime maybe you will need to keep your interactions to those that don't involve your children.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

She's your BFF and she's talking behind your back like that







??? IMO, I'd lay it all on the table, this is your child we're talking about.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunnySlippers* 
Don't get all huffy, it was just a thought. I know people who kids ATTACK babies and they think its cute and/or rationalize it. It never seems to occur to them that not everyone thinks thier child tackling one year olds adn/or hugging thier heads really tightly, or gently bonking newborns in the head is cute.

How on earth did you get THAT as a possibility from "He tossed a toy to my friend saying "Cicki, play!" (her name is Vicki and that's how he says her name) and she was holding her son and the little plastic alligator hit him in the head and he started to cry"?


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
I'd say dump her. Sorry if that's harsh, but she's bad-mouthing your family behind your back. I understand depression, but I don't think it excuses that behavior, or that it would necessarily be caused by depression. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life, she sounds toxic. Sheesh! I'm getting mad at her just thinking about it! Even if you completely disagree with someone's entire parenting philosophy, you're going to refer to your best friend's child as "horrible"? Way out of line!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *go0ber* 
she sounds like a nitpicking bitch to me. i understand the mama bear instinct too but it sounds like she always has to find something to bitch and moan about. meh i'd cut your losses with this one.







i have a feeling she's going to get worse as her kid gets older and she will pull passive-aggressive moves like "my son never does such and such" while your son is doing it. i dunno. she just sounds really uptight.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I would create some space between yourself and her. Distance yourself as much as you can. Don't call her, learn to say "Not today" when she calls you to get together.

If she asks what's up -- you could say that you know your kid gets on her nerves, and you think it would be good to put some space between them until he grows out of his current "phase." (Or until she grows out of hers! But you probaby can't say that.) If she doesn't ask though, then don't tell.









: to all of the above. PPD or not, she does not sound like much of a friend. Sorry if this is out of line for me to say, but being depressed (and believe me I've been there) is NO excuse to talk so much smack about your friend's CHILD. Sure, I've been annoyed with other people's kids, but I usually vent to DH or my mom, NEVER to anyone who would spread it back to the mom and NEVER to her face.

Parenthood changes people. It sounds like it changed your friend for the worse. I don't know how she acted before she became a mom, but now she sounds like one of those people who always has to put down what others are doing, because she is ALWAYS RIGHT and they are ALWAYS WRONG, no matter what the situation. That is toxic behavior, and I wouldn't want that kind of holier-than-thou attitude in anyone I'd consider a friend.

I would loosen, but not entirely sever, my bond with her and wait till she either grows up, realizes she's being a huge bitch, or learns a thing or two about older babies. Or all of the above.


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

It's really sad, but true, parenting styles/issues CHANGE friendships. Most of the time not for the good. Whether or not she has PPD, you need to look at how you want you and your child to be treated. If she can't be supportive of you, then I don't know how you can be supportive of her. If you want to support her during a period where she could be struggling with PPD, then make sure she's not around your child. Separate from what she's going through, if she doesn't like - or can't support your parenting - then you need to decide if you want to continue to be friends with someone that treats you and your child like she does. (Honestly, if it were me, I couldn't be friends with her. I'm a big believer in people should be respectful of other people's parenting - even if they don't agree with them. And everyone should be respectful of little kids, they are people too.) While I do understand that until you've btdt, it's hard to understand why kids do what they do and why parents do what they do. But at the same time everyone can be respectful of other peoples individual choices, even if they haven't been in that situation themselves.

Being BBF for 16 years only makes the situation that much harder. Give yourself slack, ending a friendship of that long is going to be hard and your going to grieve. But sticking it out because you have a history isn't going to make your present or future very easy.







I ended a 10 year friendship for several reason, one of them being she wasn't respectful of my parenting and didn't treat my kids very well. It was HARD! And I grieved for a long time and I still miss her from time to time, she was a great friend. But she's not any more and I don't want my kids to see the example that I will allow people to treat me - or them - poorly. I want my kids to know there is a lot of really good people in the world and those are the people we want to interact with. Being a good friend and supporting friends during hard times is completely different than letting friends walk all over us because we have a history together.

(Now I'm really rambling....)


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## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

I think Katwoman's post summed it up for me and was beautifully written....it looked like my thoughts exactly.

I know with ds I took EVERYTHING personally too (and it didn't help that I tend to do that even when I'm not post-partum) and while I didn't have PPD I was hormonal for a good while and it wasn't a good thing at all, I said and did a lot of things that were just not nice (though I personally cannot EVER imagine bashing someone's child, in person or behind their backs). I would distance myself quite a bit. Maybe the friendship will be saved, maybe it won't be...only time will tell and time and distance sounds like the best thing here. Maybe she does have PPD, maybe she is just like how I was. Let her do the contact and maybe then only talk on the phone for a while...something that dosn't involve kids being present.


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## bronxmom (Jan 22, 2008)

I guess I"d vote for putting some work into resolving things with her - separate from the kids. It may take some time and your friendship may take a hit in the short term, but if you are literally talking about your best friend then you're going to need each other as the years go by. I think it's possible and worth working out.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Katwoman* 
It's really sad, but true, parenting styles/issues CHANGE friendships. Most of the time not for the good. Whether or not she has PPD, you need to look at how you want you and your child to be treated. If she can't be supportive of you, then I don't know how you can be supportive of her. If you want to support her during a period where she could be struggling with PPD, then make sure she's not around your child. Separate from what she's going through, if she doesn't like - or can't support your parenting - then you need to decide if you want to continue to be friends with someone that treats you and your child like she does. (Honestly, if it were me, I couldn't be friends with her. I'm a big believer in people should be respectful of other people's parenting - even if they don't agree with them. And everyone should be respectful of little kids, they are people too.) While I do understand that until you've btdt, it's hard to understand why kids do what they do and why parents do what they do. But at the same time everyone can be respectful of other peoples individual choices, even if they haven't been in that situation themselves.

Being BBF for 16 years only makes the situation that much harder. Give yourself slack, ending a friendship of that long is going to be hard and your going to grieve. But sticking it out because you have a history isn't going to make your present or future very easy.







I ended a 10 year friendship for several reason, one of them being she wasn't respectful of my parenting and didn't treat my kids very well. It was HARD! And I grieved for a long time and I still miss her from time to time, she was a great friend. But she's not any more and I don't want my kids to see the example that I will allow people to treat me - or them - poorly. I want my kids to know there is a lot of really good people in the world and those are the people we want to interact with. Being a good friend and supporting friends during hard times is completely different than letting friends walk all over us because we have a history together.

(Now I'm really rambling....)


Strongly agree with this.

I'd also have strong feelings if some one was that touchy over my toddler playing with _my_ curtains and if they were going to go calling him horrible to everyone behind our backs. I'd be very clear to her about my disdain on that one. I don't know if I could keep up a friendship like that. (I'm speaking as some one with horrible chronic depression and who can be a real ua violation when I'm hormonal for whatever reason (pms/pregnancy/postpartum) and unmedicated....I'd NEVER do what this "friend" did about going behind your back to people about your ds.)


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