# My 13 yo dd/short skirts/school dance



## VisionQuest (Dec 28, 2001)

How's that for a confusing title?!

My dd is 7th grade and 13 years old. She purchased a skirt from a resale shop to wear to the dance. It's a jean skirt that's waaaay too short - shows off her undies if she bends over, so we returned it and went to the mall to look.

Every skirt that she wants is that short! She's very skinny and I don't think she needs to be showing off her "stuff" to everyone. I picked out a denim skirt that was longer but still above the knee and she doesn't like it. We looked for something for over two hours!

How do you compromise on clothing like this when your child just wants to resist and be stubborn? I don't think a little bit of modesty hurts, especially when you're a 13 yo girl!

Let me know what you think!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

That's a hard one. I don't have a preteen or teen, but here's my take. Maybe there isn't a skirt that will work that will meet both of your requirements (yours and hers) Perhaps she can come up with some other cute outfit? Cute jeans and a top maybe?

good luck

-Angela


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Well, I dont have to compromise because my kids (11, and 13) make all their own clothing choices for themselves. My opinion on their wardrobe is just that... an opinion.







But that's not going to help you so....

I agree that perhaps you and she should move away from a skirt (since you can't agree) and onto something else like some cool pants and a top she likes? Maybe a long skirt with some side slits that you can agree on? Best of luck, and I hope she has a blast at the dance!


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

How about a skort? My dd is also very skinny so by the time you get the size small enough to fit on her waist, it is very short! Some of the skorts are too obvious - look like a skirt in the front but shorts from the back. BUT some look just like a short skirt but have a pair of shorts under (in the same color - barely noticeable at all). Think they have them online at www.gap.com and www.landsend.com - if you don't see them in the regular section, check the school uniform sections. I found quite a few different styles and they were pretty cute. I know they have denim and khaki.

I second the long denim skirt with the slits - my dd1 has one and really likes it with boots.

It is hard - I totally understand kids wanting to choose clothes they like. But I also understand not wanting her to go to the dance with a skirt that would show her underwear! There must be a skirt out there somewhere that would work for you both.

My dd1 really likes Limited Too but I find much of their stuff to be not age appropriate (besides being overpriced). We have to stick to pants there as the skirts are all WAY too short given how skinny she is.

Good luck finding something!


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

This is going to sound contrary to my opinions on just about everything else but I would not let my 13yo dd wear a skirt that shows off her underwear. I am basing this on my own personal experiences. I liked clothes like that when I was 13 and I had some serious self-esteem issues. It actually started much younger, around 5th grade, that I started wearing very short shorts and other tight clothes. I was starved for attention and thought the only way to get boys to like me was to show off my body, be sexy and do what they wanted. My mother never gave me any guidance about what to wear or how to behave around boys or how to respect myself or anything like that. I got into a lot of things that I was way too young for and got hurt many times in many ways. If my 13yo dd wanted to wear clothes like that, I'd be wondering why, especially if she is not willing to compromise.


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## CincoDeMama (Dec 9, 2001)

my 12yo dd is also in the 7th grade and her school would send her home if she wore something like you described, lol

as a matter of fact, she HAS called me from school before so i could bring her up a cahnge of clothes because a teacher did the fingter tip check on her skirt and her fingertips did not touch, lol

i would not let her wear it, but i'm really into her keeping her "goodies" put away until it's time to "get them down" and use them


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

My girls both have dress codes for school and school activity, so I don't really have that issue. On the other hand, what they wear when they are not in school is pretty much up to them.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

Could she wear something under the skirt? Short shorts or something? You're right, all the skirts now are really short like that. It's great for shrimpy people like me because mini skirts are actually mini instead of practically down to my knees, but tall people are showing their butts. Poor tall people!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

1. teach her why and how to bend down and pick up a pencil in something that short.

2. Let her suffer the consequences of getting in trouble at school.

3. Not pay for it. Tell her if she wants to wear something that short she has to pay for it herself. You do not think it is appropriate but it is HER choice because it is HER BODY. Since she is old enough to become responsible of how she clothes HER body then she should earn the money for HER responsibility.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I like Marsupialmom's answer. Gives dd the choice, but you haven't compromised your standards.

And regarding Marinewife's concern, I think the fact that you have gone shopping with your dd, expressed repeatedly your opinion about the short skirts (and presumably why you think that way), she's going to know you aren't indifferent. Though you might remind her that you aren't just being controlling or stubborn, it's because you care about her. Then leave it at that.

It could all be moot if the school has a dress code for the dance. You might look into that.


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

I don't like the idea of letting a girl that young wear something that short... regardless of *it's her body* she's still a minor and MY daughter and reponsibility. I would NOT let her show off her panties like that. But, what about a compromise like suggested of wearing short shorts under the skirt... or maybe the cheerleading pants... goes over the panties, but won't peak out the edge of the skirt. Heavy material, no seeing anything. It's probably the closest I would ever let my daughter get to wearing anything that shows her butt.


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## sleeping queen (Nov 10, 2003)

I have a 12 yo. dd and do not allow skirts above the knee or any shirts that show the belly. I find it unacceptable when parents let their very young dd dress like little tarts. It is our job to guide and protect our children. I always tell my dd that it's not good to advertise what she isn't planning on giving away.


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## chersolly (Aug 29, 2004)

Maybe you can find a longer skirt in a fabric/style that she likes and have it hemmed to a length that you can both agree on?


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## elyice (Apr 7, 2003)

I make no compromises with decency. In our house we, including myself, all dress modestly, no boobies spilling over the top, no panties showing, no g-strings hanging out from the back and no bellies exposed. I do have a level of sexiness but not in slutty trashy way. I also _explain_ to my dd why she does not wear those things. She understands that revealing clothing is sexy/ provacative- it is enticing to boys and men. She also knows that being sexy is fine when it is the right time in your life, when you are seeking a spouse or have a spouse. And she know there is no positive point to being "sexy" as a child/teen because you are not dating, and not ready for marriage. Why flash your boobs and have strangers drooling all over you, when you don't want that type of attention? We have many open discussions and she is just 9. Kids need to know the honest whys of a issue not just be forbidden from doing things.
on a daily basis I see pre-teen girls walking down the street in my neghborhood with their skirts so low that heir pelvic bones hang out and cut so short that their panties show. When I am driving down the street, My dh and I just glare at all the ADULT MEN that break their necks to get a good look at these very young girls. As a woman, I notice their age. But really they are dressed like hookers not 12 year olds, I wonder if the men think they are 12? I cringe when I see them being gawked at.


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## sophiesue2 (Jan 15, 2005)

is there someone your daughter really loves? singer, actress, etc. i know we focus too much on celebrity, but it may work to your advantage. if there is, see if you can find a picture online of her in a really cute cocktail dress, or something of the like, and see if your daughter might like to find something like that. i'd be glad to help you find a picture.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Tough decision. But a thirteen yo is not ready to accept the consequences of sex, llike a baby, so she shouldn't be advertising.

That said, my youngest two went to a dance last year. Both bought denim skirts of the same length, about halfway between the knee and butt, and white shirts. One wore a white tank top, one of the less revealing kinds, one wore a button down blouse. (and they're twins)

Whoa! When I dropped them off I was ...gaping open-mouthed shocked. One looked like a 'clean teen' and the other , woo-hoo, the boys were drooling just following her in. Yet, if I had switched the outfits, they'd have still drooled over the same kid! I was relieved they weren't going to wear them more often!

So, some of it is attitude, hair, make-up, and in this case, just, well, woo-hoo! (However, she's such a tomboy, the boys are afraid of her.) One walks with confidence, one hunches and hurries a bit.

Skirts are short these days. Pick a freckle or scar, or just a number of inches from her knee and stick to your guns. SHe's way too young to be advertising. On the other hand, make sure you're letting her 'fit in'.

I think a skort or cheerleading pants is a perfect compromise!


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

I think there's a difference between short shirts and skirts and dressing like a tart. There's nothing wrong with the latter either as long as it's a girl or woman who is old enough to handle herself and understands we are not enlightened enough a society to be free of jerks. My dd wears halters and bike shorts and is so tomboyish and NOT into the girl thing, that I don't worry about it. It's an attitude and appearance that would bother me. Since she was always very conscious about covering up, far more so than we would have liked, even- always wore bike shorts under dresses for tree climbing at the Waldorf school- I don't mind this gradual foray into fashion and shorter items. My dd would never wear a skirt though- it must be a skort. That's her preference, not mine. And she has just begun liking shirts from limited too, so I don't mind her wearing them. But her tastes are quite "conservative" in the true sense of the world (we are anarchist radicals in our house) so I don't worry about it. I have wondered if she'll eventually go nuts for that sort of thing? I wore all kinds of punk stuff and short skirts and even fended off annoying comments from the Ramones, but that was in NYC and in my opinion you're a lot safer there when it comes to wearing any types of clothing.

If the skirt in question is just for the dance, is it such a problem? Assuming the dance is reasonably supervised, and she isn't going to be sent home due to her clothes, maybe it's a special occasion kind of thing? Often girls this age like to flirt with the big girls' territory but the short skirt is really the beginning and end of it. I wouldn't necessarily judge it on the length of the skirt alone but the occasion and your particular daughter. Besides, she might just borrow something from someone and change once she's there and again before you get her- I know we sure did stuff like that.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Lots of interesting thoughts and solutions here!

SO?? When's the dance? Has it already taken place? Do you have news yet, Shannon? :LOL


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Red*
Tough decision. But a thirteen yo is not ready to accept the consequences of sex, llike a baby, so she shouldn't be advertising.









You consider wearing a short skirt "advertising" for sex?

Do you also think a woman in a short skirt that gets raped was "asking for it"?


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elyice*
I make no compromises with decency. In our house we, including myself, all dress modestly, no boobies spilling over the top, no panties showing, no g-strings hanging out from the back and no bellies exposed. *I do have a level of sexiness but not in slutty trashy way.*

Good to know that if you met me you would think me trashy and slutty.. Because I wear low rise jeans and show a belly I'm proud to have after 3 kids.. Good to know..


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

That's why I asked if it is such a big deal if it's just for the dance. Like wearing makeup- you might not allow it for everyday school but for special occasions you would.

I also know plenty of wholesome "decent" women who wear all kinds of clothes- and in FL we have nude beaches too and those people are perfectly "decent." Can we keep the topic of conversation relevant to what we allow daughters to wear and how, rather than applying labels of "decent" and "modest?" I am trying not to be annoyed by the implication that I "compromise" on "decency" because I have no problem with certain types of clothing and don't see them as necessarily "advertising" for something or other. I don't like feeling labelled trashy and slutty either just because I don't dress like a Mennonite.

And teaching her how to get something and *not* bend over is a useful skill anyway, since she'll be wearing short dresses at some point; like learning how to sit with crossed legs in a dress, etc.


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## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

How about some opaque tights under it?

L.


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## VisionQuest (Dec 28, 2001)

Sorry I haven't posted back about what happened...you wouldn't believe this, but dd was running a fever and was too sick to go to the dance. We had gone out a couple of days before and she picked a nice top and new belt to wear with jeans.

This thread has really made me think a lot about her choices vs. my choices. I didn't even think of a compromise in terms of her wearing some type of hose or tights. I was thinking mainly of the BOYS in her class! She had worn a short cheerleading skirt with shorts underneath and the boys kept asking her to bend over!

I guess what shocks me about the whole thing is I was hoping not to have to deal with this issue...I'm finding out that our children are being exposed to many things at a much younger age than we were! I'm not sure I'm ready for the roller-coaster ride of teenage years, but I guess I have no choice!

Thanks!
Shannon


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionQuest*
I was thinking mainly of the BOYS in her class! She had worn a short cheerleading skirt with shorts underneath and the boys kept asking her to bend over!

Yikes! I don't blame you for reacting the way you did, especially if the boys in her class are already behaving that way. It's a tough time and I am SOOOO not looking forward to it with my daughter (8). She's already asking questions I never asked about until I was 11 or 12! Kids do seem to grow up much faster these days... personally I don't think it's a good thing.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Parents need to do more to teach their sons how to treat girls and women. It's one thing to be interested in girls. It's another thing entirely to ask them to bend over.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionQuest*
Sorry I haven't posted back about what happened...you wouldn't believe this, but dd was running a fever and was too sick to go to the dance. We had gone out a couple of days before and she picked a nice top and new belt to wear with jeans.

This thread has really made me think a lot about her choices vs. my choices. I didn't even think of a compromise in terms of her wearing some type of hose or tights. I was thinking mainly of the BOYS in her class! She had worn a short cheerleading skirt with shorts underneath and the boys kept asking her to bend over!

I guess what shocks me about the whole thing is I was hoping not to have to deal with this issue...I'm finding out that our children are being exposed to many things at a much younger age than we were! I'm not sure I'm ready for the roller-coaster ride of teenage years, but I guess I have no choice!

Thanks!
Shannon

Boys were doing that when I was in middle school (I am almost 30, yikes!).....I was on the "spirit squad" in 8th grade, I was 12, and we wore cheerleader outfits, and the skirts had thouse built in underwear........anyway, we had to wear them every Friday, and the boys would always try to get us to bend over, they'd even drop stuff, lol.

I don't think that's an uncommon behavior for 12-15yo boys......

Kristi


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pynki*
Good to know that if you met me you would think me trashy and slutty.. Because I wear low rise jeans and show a belly I'm proud to have after 3 kids.. Good to know..

I must be slutty, too







I'm wearing tight, low rise jeans and a top that does show a bit of cleavage.

Thanks for the judgement, elyice







Sorry you have issues with the human body.

Kristi


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
I don't think that's an uncommon behavior for 12-15yo boys......

Kristi

It's not uncommon at all. That doesn't make it acceptable, though. I have an almost 14yo son and I talk to him all the time about how to treat girls with respect. He is very much interested in girls and would look at a naked girl or woman any chance he got. However, I tell him that it is not acceptable to treat girls with disrespect in that way.

I've been thinking about this a lot. I was harassed in school by boys from the time I was in the 5th grade, so maybe 10 or 11 years old. That was about 25 years ago. I remember walking down the hall with my backpack covering my rear end so the boys couldn't grab my butt. I hated it! I felt attacked, afraid and ashamed. I never thought to complain to anyone about it. No one ever told me that I didn't have to put up with it. No one ever told me that it was not okay. Boys will be boys, right? I think it's very important that we teach our sons to treat girls with respect and teach our girls to demand respect from boys.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

I didn't mean to imply that it was acceptable. Certainly boys grabbing butts is unacceptable, too! I have two boys, and they are taught to respect girls, as well as themselves.

My comment was just that the behavior isn't *new*, kwim?

Kristi


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
I didn't mean to imply that it was acceptable. Certainly boys grabbing butts is unacceptable, too! I have two boys, and they are taught to respect girls, as well as themselves.

My comment was just that the behavior isn't *new*, kwim?

Kristi

Oh, yeah.







Too bad things don't seem to have really changed much in all these years.


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## elyice (Apr 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
I must be slutty, too







I'm wearing tight, low rise jeans and a top that does show a bit of cleavage.

Thanks for the judgement, elyice







Sorry you have issues with the human body.

Kristi

HAHAHAH
I don't have issues with the human body at all. I have issues with the sexualization of children in our cluture. The in-you-face sex sex sex message that our kids are being fed every single day. It saddens me. It's no wonder that promiscuity is so rampant at a early age and teen pregnancy is so common. You may think it is unrelated, the way we dress, the shows we watch and the music we listen to but it's not. There is a message of sexuality that is so prevalent in America. If you want to show the world your butt crack, fine. It's a free country.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elyice*
HAHAHAH
I don't have issues with the human body at all. I have issues with the sexualization of children in our cluture. The in-you-face sex sex sex message that our kids are being fed every single day. It saddens me. It's no wonder that promiscuity is so rampant at a early age and teen pregnancy is so common. You may think it is unrelated, the way we dress, the shows we watch and the music we listen to but it's not. There is a message of sexuality that is so prevalent in America. If you want to show the world your butt crack, fine. It's a free country.









I agree that CHILDREN shouldn't be sexualized.

However, calling an ADULT "slutty" because they wear clothes that accentuate their physique is totally different. I AM a sexual being, and I'm not going to hide that.

And, my butt crack doesn't show in my low rise jeans









Kristi


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
However, calling an ADULT "slutty" because they wear clothes that accentuate their physique is totally different. Kristi

I agree. My teenage ds says things like this about girls and women on TV and in movies sometimes based on what they are wearing. I always tell him that it is not acceptable to call women things like sluts and whores no matter how they look or act because it is degrading and demeaning to all women.
This is the type of thing that allows those boys to think it's alright to ask the girl wearing the short skirt to bend over. After all, she wouldn't be wearing that if she weren't looking for something, right? I used to wear lots of skimpy and tight clothes. I was not advertising anything since I was/am married. I wore those things because I thought I looked good and my dh liked it as well. He picked out a lot of the clothes I had. As soon as I can fit back into them, I plan on wearing them again.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Oh I am so glad to be seeing a thread on this.
My DD is going to be 13 and has been pushign the envelope a bit when it comes to her clothing.
She tries in every way to push thelimits of the dress code. And I am getting really tired of arguing with her over how much belly she is allowed to show.
(Idont mind a little, but I hate to see her hip bones above her pants).
Part of me wants to let go and let her be herself.
But part of me says that I am being lazy and my job here is not done yet.
Usually I vote for the kind reminder and the compromise. (she wore boy cut bathing suit bottoms under her last short skirt). She doesnt 'really ever go WAY OVER the line, but is always always pushing.
I am so glad to hear some moms say that what she wears is her business.
No matter what we do as parents there is a little guilt that we are doing it "wrong"
The truth is that she is still pretty innocent and thinks things that are populare are "cute" even when she has no idea about the sexual nature of the attire.
I had to draw the line when she bought some pink fish net stockings with some Christmas money. "They are pink so they are not slutty".
So I waS FORCED to explain that if her dad and I think they look slutty than some perve on the corner or the bus is also going to think so,







even if she and her friends think they are just "cute".
UGH! As she hits her teen years I wonde why I insisited so on having more!!
Joline


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## carolsly (Oct 5, 2004)

My father used to take me shopping and wow! He picked out some classy clothes and you know I got noticed much more than the girls with the skin tight jeans.

I wear whatever I want now..especially after being obese for so many years, but I try not to wear anything too reavealing. That is my thing. I have to admit though..dh will sometimes start a fight with me if my clothes are too nice looking (he was so used to that fat girl).

Set standards, stick by them, and keep talking about why and what in the clothes and looks arena.

Talk about what kind of men she wants to attract vs. what kind of men are attracted by short skirts. I'm a jeans a t-shirts person (and I also used to be in the Coast Guard where I met dh) and he was terribly attracted to me..but not because of the way I looked in my uniform (ha ha) but because I have a great sense of humor and I think that he hung the moon.

Good Luck. How about dh talking to her about how men see women who wear clothes that are not appropriate for their age.


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## malibusunny (Jul 29, 2003)

i know i am probably too late, but here's my two cents:

as long as what she is wearing is not dramatically different from what her peers are wearing, no one is going to think anything of it. you see a child in sexy clothing-- her peers see someone dressed normally. it's not advertising if it doesn't stand out.

like a previous poster said, teach her how to wear clothes, let her pay herself, and then step back. i always valued my mom's opinion on clothing because it was just that -- her opinion.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
Oh, yeah.







Too bad things don't seem to have really changed much in all these years.

Maybe because we cannot control 13 year old boys hormones. UGH!!! I am not ready for this. LOL

These behaviors are not right but 13 year olds are still learning acceptable behaviors, they have this strong hormone surge, curiosity, and then there is lovely peer pressure.

If it is not doing this I honestly think it will be something else just as "moronic" and wrong. (The same goes with girls).

I think it is hard for us to remember how hard it was to turn into sexual beings. Sex/sexualty brings a whole need set of rules and boundries testing.


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## ericakruz (Feb 25, 2005)

I am really amazed at what some of the teens girls are wearing, and not looking forward to when my daughter gets to be that age, (she's 8). They only are asking to get a lot of un-wanted attention...in all kinds of ways you can't even imagine.
The other day I was shopping at the mall, 2 girls about 13-14 years old were walking in front of me, wearing very short jean skirts. They got on the escalator, just as they did a middle aged guy cut in front of me & stood right behind them. I noticed the guy looking down, moving his head around as if he was looking for something, then I realized what he was doing! The escalator had a shiny panel down by the steps on each side that reflects up like a mirror. He was looking up their skirts in the reflection of the panel! I didn't want to call out because who know what else this guy might be up to, I probably should have said something to the girls but I was so shocked, this guy had to be at least 40. I certainly don't think any girl that age or her parents would like to see her getting that type of attention from a middle aged man.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ericakruz*
I didn't want to call out because who know what else this guy might be up to, I probably should have said something to the girls but I was so shocked, this guy had to be at least 40.

It's probably unlikely that you will witness anything like this again and I wouldn't have thought of this at the time either, but maybe reporting him to security would've been appropriate. Even if he wasn't up to anything more sinister than looking up their skirts, it would give him something to think about if he were thought of as a pedophile.


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## ericakruz (Feb 25, 2005)

Yes, in retrospect I should have let security know. I was just so surprised at the whole thing, especially that he had it figured out to do that. I just wish the parents of the girls would know that that's how they can be looked at, especially if they are dressed that way.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Ya know, my dh would never do something like that and neither would my father or brother. The more I think about it the more disgusted I get that a middle aged man would look at teenage girls like that, no matter how they are dressed.







That man is a pervert!


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## ericakruz (Feb 25, 2005)

I agree, it was pretty disgusting...what I really didn't like was the look on his face, like he was really having a great time doing this. My guess was that this was not a coincidence, but that it's a regular thing for him.


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