# One day at a time******January******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Sorry I didn't get this thread started earlier in the day but today was the day that my baby girl twins would have been born and today has been excruiating. I just imagine smelling them, the excitement of the other 3 dc and learning how to bf twins....all something that will never happen.

I talked to my husband about the fact that more and more I am thinking about that my reality might only be three children as opposed to four children like I have always hoped.

I explained that it is much different than "coming to terms with the fact" because that reality is something that I am still fighting with every breathe in my body.

But even with the understanding that this may be my reality, it comes with a significant amount of grief.

I will be looking to book an appt with an RE tomorrow (one of my ny resolutions) as my body still hasn't had its first af since the loss of Aubree. Wish me luck.


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## Kimmiepie (Dec 21, 2006)

This thread has come at the perfect time. I have been feeling excrutiating pain from a pregnancy "loss" that I never dealt with. The four year anniversary of that day is coming up in March. Just about a week ago (after all these years) it really hit me, and I literally wanted to die. My dh had to stay home from work tonight because I could not function. I'm feeling "better" now...I've been looking up support groups online and am calling tomorrow. I really need this. I'm glad you started this thread. I have not been able to grieve, and I need to.










I am so sorry for your losses Rosemary.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

for both Rosemary and Kim.

Rosemary, I can understand where you are coming from. I posted on the other thread (but just couldn't keep up) about the loss of my daughter and my uterus in August. I have three living children but always imagined having a very large family. The loss of my daughter was and is excrutiating, but the loss of my fertility (and, in my mind, part of my womanhood) has been extremely hard to deal with. In fact, I haven't really dealt with it yet. I'm still concentrating on just getting through each day.

Kim, I'm so sorry tonight has been so hard. As time passes (and it has only been since August), I'm finding the grieving is getting more intense, not less, and I think, for me, it is the numbness wearing off.

Life is so difficult right now. I feel like it is such a struggle to keep my head above water. But I keep going, because I know that life will be good and fun again someday, I just have to get through this.....


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Jumping back in here again, and I'll ty to keep up this time. I read the other thread, but I tend to get lost in conversations like these









Rosemary







You've been on my mind, I know this is such a difficult time for you and I'm wishing you peace and strength like crazy mama!







for your sweet babies.









Kim, I am sorry for your loss







I hope that you will finally be able to grieve and find peace. If you need anything, to talk or just vent, feel free to pm me.

Eclipse, I can only imagine what you're going through with the loss of your swete baby and your fertility. I am so very sorry







Strength and healing to you mama.

Hmm... Well, as for me. I'm doing ok, to my surprise. I am at peace with the loss of my son, and I am thankful for that. I have sad days and angry days, and of course I miss his so much, but I do believe there is a reason behind this and hopefully I am able to grow and be better because of it.

I have my pp appt. with my MW soon and hopefully I'll be able to get some answers, we'll see.

The boys are needing me, so I'll be bakc later. Peace and love and light to you all mamas!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Rosemary-Thinking of you these past few days. Sending you light and love.







s!

Kim-Hope this thread brings you some comfort and peace.

Today I am ok. AF should have come yesterday but who knows?

I have my appt with Maternal-Fetal medicine this afternoon. Wish me luck. I have never been to Peri
pre-conceptionally so I do not know what to expect.

Take care all!

Hugs


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

haha, I just posted a novel on the December thread.I get the new year, but not a new month!Right now a year is easier to swallow than all that a new month implies.The thought terrifies me.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Eclipse, I just want you to know, I'm thinking of you.

Rosemary,her_story, and srw I wrote to you in the dec thread.


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## BookFlower (Jan 4, 2008)

Sorry. Double post.


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## BookFlower (Jan 4, 2008)

I registered to join in. I'm sorry this is so long, you can skip down if you want to.

We tried for two years. Saw a reproductive endocrinologist, the whole deal, and then, as we were taking a month off to decide whether we wanted to/could afford the next step of treatment, we got pregnant on our own.

I went in for weekly ultrasounds (I know that isn't really kosher on this board, but there you go.) My progesterone levels would be low. Really low, like a 7, and then would go up, and then drop again despite progesterone supplements.

At nearly 9 weeks, my husband came in to the doctor with me, and we saw a strong heart beat, and we saw the baby respond by wiggling his/her arms and legs. The RE set us up with an ob/gyn, we discussed where to deliver, and I only had one more visit to go before "graduating." My last day I went and brought cards and candy for all the great nurses, whom I presumably would not be seeing again. And there was no heartbeat and it looked like the baby died very shortly after we saw him/her move so actively the week before.

They sent me home with misoprostol, and it was physically and emotionally gut wrenching and at 1:30 the next morning I was standing in my kitchen with a plastic take-out container of what looked like a fish-gutting and a kalamata olive that either was my baby or had my baby in it- I wish I knew. The "sample" went for testing, which was inconclusive.

That was Sept. 6.

It has been four months. I have been getting better and getting worse for four. months. Christmas was very difficult with baby Jesuses and the flood of Christmas cards with everybody else's babies. It seems like everyone we know had number 2 this year. Today I am 33.

I feel like I am doing worse instead of better. I feel I have been a complete failure at everything, I can't get past the images of my last "good" ultrasound juxstaposed against what fell out of me, I blame myself for not getting in better shape for the pregnancy, and I haven't gotten through a day without crying for almost two weeks.

I don't know if this is normal grief made worse with the holidays. I can't seem to find info online to tell me.

Does anyone else feel like this? Is this normal?How long does it take to feel better?


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## Empathmom (Aug 15, 2007)

I had a miscarriage 8 years ago and I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and I felt and feel a lot like I do. It seems so unfair, to feel better and then for some reason you are sobbing and mourning again. I think you are grieving and it sounds normal to me.


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## Empathmom (Aug 15, 2007)

I forgot I wanted to post. I feel pretty sad as well. 3 weeks ago I had my miscarriage. I feel so sad and disappointed. I feel tired. I'm happy Xmas is over. I didnt' care about it that much. Now to get over hearing about my friends birth that happened last week.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Bookflower - First off...HUGE







s on the loss of your baby. The loss of your baby, especially after trying so hard for so long must be extra frustrating and the sense of loss must be profound.

I too understand your pain of seeing the babys' heartbeat and being told that the next u/s was just to "sign off" only for that next ultrasound to deliver the news no mama wants to hear. No heartbeat. That was for our last loss a month ago.

I too was given misoprostol, which is so nicely called the abortion drug, because of my history of hemorraghing, and it was excruiating...the contractions came so hard and so fast it was hard to catch my breath.

The grief has been unbearable for me and was made worse by the Christmas holidays because of seeing baby Jesus everywhere and Christmas letters announcing pregnancies/new babies. To compound things, January 1st was the due date of my twin girl babies that I lost in July at 14 and 15 weeks.

Just yesterday I screamed to my dc that "Mommy wishes that she was dead". Definitely not my finest moment. But I do. I wish I would have died with my babies. That is the kind of grief I feel.

No worries about any judgement on ultrasounds. I birth UC (unassisted) and my last pregnancy I think I had an 4 u/s in 7 weeks. I is so hard to get over the fear without seeing the baby.

Welcome and feel free to come and talk about your grief as much as you need.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

If I can, I would like to join. I miscarried this morning. I was six weeks today. I have spent a lot of the day reading on here and crying. It has been a tough day. We are just starting the process of telling people that knew that we are no longer expecting.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Oh mama, I am soo sorry for your pain. Please rest and take as much time as you need as you are a mama that just had her baby die plus you went through the trauma of birthing that baby too early.

Please be easy on yourself and feel free to post here as much as you need. We are all here for you.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

to the new names I see here; BookFlower, Empathmom, & BlissfullyLoving. While I am very sorry that you ladies even have to be here, I do hope that you find the support you need and I wish you all strength and peace


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## Empathmom (Aug 15, 2007)

I'm here again. I'm not sobbing huge sobbs lately which I'm happy about but this deadening saddness sometimes seems worst. I notice it a lot in the morning when I wake up. It feels like this emptiness. How do you continue when you have a miscarriage when you aren't crying but can't figure out what direction to go in.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Empathmom -









I find the whole "fake it until you make it" to be helpful somedays. Like going to a public event where no one really knows you and participating.

I have also kept myself busy with work and always putting something in front of me with a deadline to finish...like say, I want that bedroom painted by next Saturday and I make sure that I get it done because then the next week I am painting the hall.

The best thing for me before Christmas was to be a Holiday Helper so that I turned my attention from myself and my pain and focused on helping another family in need.

This definitely was the most gratifying and I wish that I could do more.

Hope that helps!!!


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## Empathmom (Aug 15, 2007)

Thanks for the hug. I think I might try that keeping myself busy.


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## JJJJBlue3333 (Sep 9, 2004)

I posted in the last thread but then didn't come back to it after a few days. I'm so glad the holidays are over. Everything was so painful. My due date would have been feb. 3. I don't know if I'll be relieved to get past it or not.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Day 13 here.I am in a whole other world I could never have seen 13 days ago.I went to my first family event last night-my brother's birthday.I had some family members who were seeing or talking to me for the first time since it happened.I felt annoyed that I had to use my energy to accept their condolences and then walk them thru the whole process to where I'm at now.Also, a woman in church who knows my parents in law knew.My MIL told her!HELLO!!! Can I not keep my own personal life private when I want?Isn't it MY call who knows and who doesn't!I am SO angry with her right now, and she keeps calling to talk to me in person.The kindest thing I can do is NOT speak to her right now.I am not editing for kindness these days!If she called right now she would get an earfull!She keeps asking dh why we didn't call her when we called the ambulance....














:Gee wizz, I wonder why!!!

Yesterday was my first day of no bleeding.Bittersweet.She's gone forever now, my body has moved on without her.














:
I don't want my body to move on.I don't want another ovulation,another preganancy,and I don't want to worry about it until I am ready.I am not ready!I'm charting again, to not get pg,and I hate the whole process.I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!!!!!!!

I also have been keeping insanely busy,my house is totally rearanged, I'm cleaning like crazy,I'm also ripping down wallpaper and painting.Not to mention shoveling and salting the icy walks and driveway.Putting the kids in school actually eats up a lot of my day,I'm running around in the van a lot more too.
I wish I could keep this corner of my mind busier-It is only quieted by books, movies I have not seen, and sometimes music, but most music tends to feed it.NPR is a good mind filler too.Then I can talk about the news and politics when I want the subject removed from my state of being.

I think I need a yoga class so I can work some of this out without having to verbalize it in my head.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

RedKind -









Take all the time you need....it has only been 13 days!!! As for the MIL, why, why, why?!?! I will never understand people and how inconsiderate they can be to a grieving mother.

I just got back from the Dr. and he confirmed what my heart alread knew. My baby was a girl...I just wept when he read the report that states "normal female karotype". No chromosomal issues either. I lost a baby girl, my baby Aubree Lynn.

I started Zoloft today because I just can't get it together. I haven't been on an antidepressant for 15 years so it is a *giant* step for me.

I am starting all of the testing again....we will see where this goes.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

*KindRedSpirit*
















*~Mamaterra~*


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Mamaterra





















I'm so sorry you have to go thru all the tests in the middle of all of this.
Couldn't there be "paperwork doula's" to read the reports to us in kind words and offer a hug?The nasty wording!So,so cruel.My heart really hurts for you.I hope the Zoloft can help regulate some things in your life, so you can focus on what you need to.
It's just SO MUCH,you are amazing,working your way so gracefully through all of this.I really am in awe of your empowerment and endurance, and kind graces.Aubree is so fortunate to be a part of you.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm back from visiting in laws. FIL had a major stroke and will forever be impaired, if he lives. 7 weeks since Norah died. I feel like crawling into a hole until May. Sorry this post is a downer.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Huge hugs Namaste mom. Thinking of you!

Also thinking of you Rosemary.

Update on me- I thought I might be pg this cycle. Was really nervous. Tuesday I was a week late, had pink spotting on the tp thought, implantation. By Tues PM bleeding, soaking a pad every 2 hours. Wed AM bleeding is awful, Thursday, bleeding gets worse soaking a pad in less than an hour call the Dr, he says it is a early m/c. Thursday was the worst of it. FRiday AM call the Dr again hae says come over and see me. I go over, he fits me in and says that yes, it was a m/c and he took bloodwork.

So, here I am again. Now I have had three losses. I do not know physically and emotionally how much more I can take.

Thanks for reading.

Love and hugs,
Jen


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)

Hi JJBlu Jen. Did you get your shoes?







:

Mamaterra: I also found HH '07 really helpful, i.e. distracting. Then yesterday, I came home to the largest box I sent out sitting on the doorstep, stamped UNCLAIMED.














: I think someone didn't let the MIN know. anyways, i'm taking it as a sign that I should eat the truffles inside.

nothing to report after a couple of months, so this is the perfect thread for me.

Thanks.


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## Shy0717 (Jun 14, 2005)

My name is Shy and I'm new here. I found out Tuesday morning that I would be losing my first little angel and ever since I've been so heartbroken. I'm almost 8 weeks and I'm still waiting to miscarry and everyday is like tortue. I've never hurt so much, or sobbed so hard, or just wanted to curl up and die. I have a lot of guilt because I think part of it was low progesterone. The doctor I was seeing blew me off and I had to fight. I feel like I didn't fight hard enough or I waited too long and as a result I'm losing this baby. My heart aches. Just when I think I have no more tears left to cry there's more. I'm and RN and work with babies and I've found myself avoiding going back to work. I don't want to see everyone with their happy healthy babies because its not fair and I feel bad thinking that. But you get people who don't appreciate what they have, think their babies are an inconvenience or just plain don't care. You get people who use drugs or alcohol and their babies come out perfect and I just feel like I can't even carry a baby right. I just don't know what to do. And even worse, I feel like my friends are horrible (not all but several). I've had some ask details carelessly and even a couple ask me to babysit so they can go gamble knowing I had started bleeding that day. I just don't understand how people that are supposedly friends can be so cold. I am however finding support with people I never thought possibly. My mother is my rock and without her I don't think I would have made it this far. It does help to see that I'm not the only person that feels this way and is going through this. I'm sorry for rambling but things just seem to build up and its nice to vent.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shy0717* 
My name is Shy and I'm new here. I found out Tuesday morning that I would be losing my first little angel and ever since I've been so heartbroken. I'm almost 8 weeks and I'm still waiting to miscarry and everyday is like tortue. I've never hurt so much, or sobbed so hard, or just wanted to curl up and die. I have a lot of guilt because I think part of it was low progesterone. The doctor I was seeing blew me off and I had to fight. I feel like I didn't fight hard enough or I waited too long and as a result I'm losing this baby. My heart aches. Just when I think I have no more tears left to cry there's more. I'm and RN and work with babies and I've found myself avoiding going back to work. I don't want to see everyone with their happy healthy babies because its not fair and I feel bad thinking that. But you get people who don't appreciate what they have, think their babies are an inconvenience or just plain don't care. You get people who use drugs or alcohol and their babies come out perfect and I just feel like I can't even carry a baby right. I just don't know what to do. And even worse, I feel like my friends are horrible (not all but several). I've had some ask details carelessly and even a couple ask me to babysit so they can go gamble knowing I had started bleeding that day. I just don't understand how people that are supposedly friends can be so cold. I am however finding support with people I never thought possibly. My mother is my rock and without her I don't think I would have made it this far. It does help to see that I'm not the only person that feels this way and is going through this. I'm sorry for rambling but things just seem to build up and its nice to vent.

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Huge hugs Namaste mom. Thinking of you!

Also thinking of you Rosemary.

Update on me- I thought I might be pg this cycle. Was really nervous. Tuesday I was a week late, had pink spotting on the tp thought, implantation. By Tues PM bleeding, soaking a pad every 2 hours. Wed AM bleeding is awful, Thursday, bleeding gets worse soaking a pad in less than an hour call the Dr, he says it is a early m/c. Thursday was the worst of it. FRiday AM call the Dr again hae says come over and see me. I go over, he fits me in and says that yes, it was a m/c and he took bloodwork.

So, here I am again. Now I have had three losses. I do not know physically and emotionally how much more I can take.

Thanks for reading.

Love and hugs,
Jen

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shy0717* 
My name is Shy and I'm new here. I found out Tuesday morning that I would be losing my first little angel and ever since I've been so heartbroken. I'm almost 8 weeks and I'm still waiting to miscarry and everyday is like tortue. I've never hurt so much, or sobbed so hard, or just wanted to curl up and die. I have a lot of guilt because I think part of it was low progesterone. The doctor I was seeing blew me off and I had to fight. I feel like I didn't fight hard enough or I waited too long and as a result I'm losing this baby. My heart aches. Just when I think I have no more tears left to cry there's more. I'm and RN and work with babies and I've found myself avoiding going back to work. I don't want to see everyone with their happy healthy babies because its not fair and I feel bad thinking that. But you get people who don't appreciate what they have, think their babies are an inconvenience or just plain don't care. You get people who use drugs or alcohol and their babies come out perfect and I just feel like I can't even carry a baby right. I just don't know what to do. And even worse, I feel like my friends are horrible (not all but several). I've had some ask details carelessly and even a couple ask me to babysit so they can go gamble knowing I had started bleeding that day. I just don't understand how people that are supposedly friends can be so cold. I am however finding support with people I never thought possibly. My mother is my rock and without her I don't think I would have made it this far. It does help to see that I'm not the only person that feels this way and is going through this. I'm sorry for rambling but things just seem to build up and its nice to vent.









I am so sorry. I really can relate to much of what you said.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I'm back from visiting in laws. FIL had a major stroke and will forever be impaired, if he lives. 7 weeks since Norah died. I feel like crawling into a hole until May. Sorry this post is a downer.

I'm thinking about you, D.









Shy - I'm from you DDC. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and that people IRL aren't being more sensitive. Thank goodness for your mom.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Shy,

Welcome. I am sorry for your loss. Will be sending healing thoughts your way!

Please take care,
Jen


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

KindRedSpirit-







s mama

Rosemary:







s to you too, and









Namaste mom:







s and thinking of you.

I have a question for all of you who have had multiple losses. This is our 3rd loss. My family thinks we "should" just give up and adopt. I just do not want my last pregnancy experience to be a loss. I know this is selfish. I'll admit it. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to give up either. I've had tons of testing-all of it is NORMAL! I do have 2 alleles of MTHFR but without other issues, that is really not a big deal.

What are your thought? Would you keep going or just accept what has happened? If this was not ok to post here, just let me know? I just do not feel like I can really post this anywhere else.

Love, peace and prayer,
Jen


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
KindRedSpirit-







s mama

Rosemary:







s to you too, and









Namaste mom:







s and thinking of you.

I have a question for all of you who have had multiple losses. This is our 3rd loss. My family thinks we "should" just give up and adopt. I just do not want my last pregnancy experience to be a loss. I know this is selfish. I'll admit it. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to give up either. I've had tons of testing-all of it is NORMAL! I do have 2 alleles of MTHFR but without other issues, that is really not a big deal.

What are your thought? Would you keep going or just accept what has happened? If this was not ok to post here, just let me know? I just do not feel like I can really post this anywhere else.

Love, peace and prayer,
Jen

I think if you want to keep trying and feel you can handle it go for it. There is no "harm" that will come from continually trying, just hard emotionally. We are going to try again one more time, if it doesn't work out we are going to stop and just have our son. I can't go through this more than 3 times personally.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen - I'm so sorry to read that this is happening to you again. Regarding your question about losses...this is a very timely subject to me. I've had two losses and one was full-term. Everyday the question enters my mind "Am I supposed to have a 3rd living child?" I wonder if I am pushing too hard to get the 3rd living child that I wanted even though it was never meant to be. Does that mean I will continue to have losses? I don't know the answer to that. I know when I experience the death of one of my children, the only thing I can think of is that "I will never do this again, it hurts too much." And then as time passes and I can incorporate that pain into my life, I start to hope again. Hope is dangerous and intoxicating. One day it makes me feel very positive and the next day I feel that I am without hope and I feel horrible. I think only you can answer whether you can continue to try again for another child. If adoption is an answer for you and your husband, you can always start the process -- maybe you would end up with two blessings. Anyone, there is no real point to this post, just to say your decision to try again or not is really about how you feel and if you feel like you can endure.

Shy - with a loss, all ranges of emotions are acceptable and normal. Many people do not know what it is like to lose a baby and thus, have no idea how much it effects the parents. I wish I was innocent like that again. But, until you tell them that what they said or do hurts you, they will never know.

Megan - thanks for stopping by. I hope that your pregancy is progessing well. I haven't been able to go by PAL in a long time but I think of you and Amy and Em often. You all will be my inspirations.

Me - 8 weeks tomorrow since Norah died. I should be counting the weeks as she gets older, instead I count the weeks since we were separated. I can't help but not the irony in that.


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## Shy0717 (Jun 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 

Shy - with a loss, all ranges of emotions are acceptable and normal. Many people do not know what it is like to lose a baby and thus, have no idea how much it effects the parents. I wish I was innocent like that again. But, until you tell them that what they said or do hurts you, they will never know.

.

Namaste-I actually took the advice of one of the threads here and sent out a Do's and Don'ts list of things people could do to help and in that I included things that would upset me, including asking specifics about a miscarriage (i.e. hey did it happen yet??, did you pass the baby yet??...and yes they do ask that). At some point though people HAVE to have some type of common sense. If my long time friends have known from the beginning what was going on and how upset I was, why on this green Earth do they think I want to babysit their baby while I'm losing mine so they can go gamble (I was told that they really NEEDED me to babysit). I love him to pieces, he's my godson but it just wasn't the right time. And they knew I'd started spotting heavier that very day because I was upset and told them. Eventually you just have to think are my friends selfish or what? For the most part I try to let everything roll off my shoulders...and I do realize I've been slightly sensitive and neurotic but there has to be common sense somewhere. I'm sorry, my post was going well but then it turned into a vent. But I meant seriously, I gave them a list...what else do they want.


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## Shy0717 (Jun 14, 2005)

BlissfullyLoving, Megan, and Momoftworeadheads thank you so much for your kind words and welcome.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

*Hi D (namastemom)*.







I saw your post in PAL and figured I'd make it easier on you and put my response over here too. I can imagine how difficult reading some of the posts over there are for you. It's hard to be happy for anyone else when you lose a baby. Anyway, here's what I wrote:

*D-* I think of you everyday.







I won't ask how you are doing, because I already know. I always hated when people asked me that over and over, like I was going to fall apart right in front of them. How are you doing with all the postpartum issues? Those were horrible for me. Milk and hair falling out really got to me.









Don't feel guilty at all, about not keeping a journal or about pulling away. The only way my DDC knew Calliope was stillborn was someone seeing my thread in Grief and Loss. You had more strength than I had at that time just by posting what was going on. You're stronger than you think.









And for everyone else in this thread,







to all of you. I'm so sorry for all your losses. Rosemary, this thread is definitely needed.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

to everyone on this thread. I posted on this thread last month, and thought I would be ready for the HHT thread this month, but I really dont know if I am. Everyone seems to be getting pregnant over there. And though I am so happy for them, it still makes me feel sad that I am not pregnant right now. I had to have an emergency d&c 2 weeks ago, because I developed an infection 2 weeks after my m/c. I spent New Years in the hospital. I go in today for the 2 week checkup. I really dont know what dh and I are going to do. I really want to have a baby and be pregnant again. In fact, I think I started oing on Saturday, but dh thinks we should wait awhile until things are straightened out. We are behind on things because he had to take so much time off of work with this m/c. So we keep going back and forth about things. What really gets me right now is that my sister told me about a week after I m/c that her and her dh are trying to get pregnant. It was like a blow to the stomach, and though I am happy for her, if she does get pregnant right now, I do not know if I could even talk to her. I cant wait until I can "get over this" because I feel like I am bugging everyone by talking about it.


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## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Everyday the question enters my mind "Am I supposed to have a 3rd living child?" I wonder if I am pushing too hard to get the 3rd living child that I wanted even though it was never meant to be. Does that mean I will continue to have losses? I don't know the answer to that. I know when I experience the death of one of my children, the only thing I can think of is that "I will never do this again, it hurts too much." And then as time passes and I can incorporate that pain into my life, I start to hope again. Hope is dangerous and intoxicating. One day it makes me feel very positive and the next day I feel that I am without hope and I feel horrible.

Oh, yes, mama... I know what you mean!

We have had three losses now... ran the gamut, sort of. We're officially experts, we've decided.







After our son died from a birth injury, we immediately knew we had to try again. Right away, despite doctor's orders to wait. (And I do think waiting a while after a full-term loss is important. Your body needs the rest.) We got pg again really fast... and I miscarried. It was so heartbreaking. You really think it can only happen once. Yeah, well... no...

Finally got our second living child, and at first thought we were done. I hemorrhaged and he got stuck... very scary stuff. But I'd always wanted at least three LIVING children. *sigh* I hate adding that word. Dh was happy to stick with just the two. I spent 2 years constantly thinking about it- will we, won't we? Should we/shouldn't we? I decided several times, absolutely (I thought), each way. I was a basket case.

Then dh deployed, got hurt, came home early. I'd planned to get an IUD before he came home on leave... in the chaos of an injury there just wasn't time. And I started to think... hey... now's a pretty spiffy time to get pg again...
Didn't get pg that cycle. Suddenly wholeheartedly changed my mind. No baby! Not anytime soon, anyway! No way, Jose! Got pregnant.

Freaked out for about two solid months. Then, relaxed into it a bit.
Baby died, don't know why yet, 22 weeks.

Seems like maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I'm being greedy, wanting Just One More?

Right after the horror that was the induction to get my Camelia born, I told dh that I was done. I couldn't do it again. Going into the induction I wholeheartedly (for whatever reason) was certain that I was going to die. I wrote secret letters to my children and husband... how could I tell them ahead of time what I thought/knew was going to happen? I was terrified, but had to do it anyway. So, right afterward I was wrung out. I couldn't imagine doing anything like that again. And the fear... knowing so <bleeping> well that getting pregnant doesn't necessarily end in a baby... but like this last time, you still have to get the baby OUT. I know some people fear normal birth... I love normal birth. I fear abnormal, dead birth.

Anyway... I apparently had a lot to say, huh?

I'm now really wanting One More. Later. No idea when... at least a year, probably two. But I won't tell dh I'm thinking this... he feels so very done. He was so scared for me. I'm hoping time will lessen his fear. I mean, if *I* feel strong enough to try again, he ought to, too, right? *sigh*


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

wow.I'm so sorry we're all here, but I'm so greatful to have found each of you.I made myself busy enough to not mourn for a few days, and now, as I catch up on this thread, I'm a mess again!It's just too much!And them more and more for some.It's so messed up.In the next stage of our existances, lets all get together and have a playgroup with our babies, k?I'm starting to miss some of you babies as much as mine!We should have them!They should be here with us!!!!







I'm so angry about this situation!!!So hurt!

I'm also twisted up in the be done or have more decision.We have 4, 2 boys 2 girs (here).How could I want more,right?I had decided when we were pregnant with Elvie,we would just let as many babies join our family as wanted to...Well, it didn't work.I'm at ground zero again.And I can't not decide,or we'll get pregnant again.And alive or dead,that baby will have to come out too.There will be another line of continuation...Makes me feel done,but I'll change my mind 3 times before the day's over...

See, I just did.I want this in the past.I want to try again.I want to feel success!Here, now,I feel like a failure,in the worst way.I failed to keep my baby alive.I was failed by myself, by nature, by happiness,and by God.By the things most precious to me.
Part of me can see past this,I can rationalize and comfort.But I still cannot fix it.I'm broken.I'll have these cracks forever,and this peice is lost, leaving a hole in me.

One day I'll see the beauty in this.I'll appreciate this experience,I may even have an understanding.One day I may even hold my misplaced babies,see their faces,feel their fingers,toes,hair...hear their voices

We should be allowed to go mad,to yell randomly,to talk about blood, to cry whenever,to laugh into sobs or sob into laughter.We should be allowed to express gratitude and bitterness at the same time.Our babies have been taken, at least allow us to greive openly,as openly as you would let us rejoice.

I'm thinking too much again.








and







all around.And a huge plate of fudge brownies.Help yourself.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

*Junegoddess*









Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
In the next stage of our existances, lets all get together and have a playgroup with our babies, k?











Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
*We should be allowed to go mad,to yell randomly,to talk about blood, to cry whenever,to laugh into sobs or sob into laughter.We should be allowed to express gratitude and bitterness at the same time.Our babies have been taken, at least allow us to greive openly,as openly as you would let us rejoice.*

Thank you for saying exactly what I have been feeling. I want to send this to everyone that has ignored my loss or thought that saying "I'm sorry" was enough. I do not want to be selfish...I just do not want to walk this alone.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Shy - sounds like you are doing all that you can. Your "friends" are being totally unreasonable. Its alright to be sensitive, and angry and even neurotic. You gave them a list,that is more than I did.

Amy - thanks for posting on here. PAL is difficult because I can see that life continues on around me while my life is stuck on Nov. 18th. Babies are being born, more people are pregnant and I'm happy for them but it makes me miss Norah even more. PP issues are mostly gone - I'm still larger than I was before Norah and it bothers me that I have to go through the effort to lose the weight because if Norah were with me, she would be bfing and all the weight would come off. So, my weight is a constant reminder of her or more accurately, not having her.

punkrawkmama- sorry to read that you had an infection. I really wanted to be pg too after Norah but I realized that I was just trying to fill the void. You won't "bug" us by writing about it.

Junegoddess - I'm so glad that you understand when it comes to not knowing if we are meant to have more children. Sometimes I think I am irrational and have no idea what is going on. How long do you think people should wait after a full-term loss. I go back and forth every day -- should we try again, should we not, should I just be happy with two, or will I be unhappy because we didn't have the 3 that I wanted. And if I do have three is that going to make me want 4? I could go insane thinking about all the issues. I guess you could say that I fear abnormal, dead birth also.

KRSpirit- I'd love to get together at our next stage of existances with our babies, how cool! We should have them here, we should have to wait to hold them again. I'm with you right now on not knowing how to decide. I want success also, I don't want to end on Norah's death. You may be broken but that doesn't mean a little super glue can't fix you up. Super glue fixes everything or wait, was that ice cream.

We should be allowed to everything that KRSpirit says --scream, yell, laugh, cry. Our babies were taken from us! Its unimagineable.

BlissfullyLoving - I'm sorry people ignored your loss. People are mean (see Shy's post) even when they don't mean to be. You aren't alone....you've got us.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Mamas - Sorry I haven't posted in a week....I started zoloft and since then have been crawling out of my skin!!! The side effects are almost more than I can handle and I spend my day just trying to get over the jitters.

Jen - OMG, I am soo sorry for your loss again. It just isn't fair, it is heartbreaking. After awhile, I found myself numb because it just couldn't be real....I mean it just seems so surreal that one woman should have to endure so many losses.

As for your question about trying again, if you have it in your heart, you will find room in your life. I know that I have always wanted four children (actually six, but will adopt two when ours are older) and that desire will always be there. Although I currently don't feel like TTC, we are going through the motions of "getting there" in a month or two...

Shy - Huge







and







to this thread. Please feel free to spend as much time as you need here. I am soo sorry that your support network is so lousy. I actually gasped when I read your post.

Namaste - You are always on my mind as the time goes by I think of what Norah would be doing because one of the births that I attended was on Nov 17th and I see that little girl often. I say to myself "that could be Norah"...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
PAL is difficult because I can see that life continues on around me while my life is stuck on Nov. 18th. Babies are being born, more people are pregnant and I'm happy for them but it makes me miss Norah even more. PP issues are mostly gone - I'm still larger than I was before Norah and it bothers me that I have to go through the effort to lose the weight because if Norah were with me, she would be bfing and all the weight would come off. So, my weight is a constant reminder of her or more accurately, not having her.

I unfortunately know all to well what you mean....

Punk - I'm so sorry that you got an infection...it is like insult to injury. As for your sister trying to get pregnant...IMHO, I think that she should have kept that information to herself considering your recent m/c. It was rather inconsiderate and I totally understand your angst over your feelings. And as for your dh and the comments that he said during your m/c, he need to be slapped upside the head for his insensitivity. As you can tell, I am not in a very charitable mood right now :









As for me, I have an appt with a specialist OB on Thurs and another appt on Fri with the GP for the results of the blood test that were done last Mon. In the meantime I will be trying not to go crazy!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
We should be allowed to go mad,to yell randomly,to talk about blood, to cry whenever,to laugh into sobs or sob into laughter.We should be allowed to express gratitude and bitterness at the same time.Our babies have been taken, at least allow us to greive openly,as openly as you would let us rejoice.

I second this!!!!


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Three and a half months ago I lost a baby at sixteenweeks. I pushed it aside very quickly being the people pleaser that I am and went back to work immediatley. Now I find myself Isolated from my husband and from my sister who is now pregnant with number two. I don't know what to do. My baby would have been born in March. Everyone is moved on with their life and I am afraid that I am losing it. This is such an isolated event. NO one can understand everyone has something to say though. I find myself angry and jealous at every person that has a baby. I cry every night. I just don't want to be this person anymore. The pain is becoming anger and I have no one to talk to. Every day is a new struggle I am so angry and so sad and I do feel like this is one of those circumstances that because it is akward for other people to deal with everyone just hopes/expects for you to get over it . It is affecting me at work I just find my self in a daze not really wanting to committ about anything. I want a new baby but then again I don't. I even tried the logical excuse that there was something wrong with the baby. My husband is a fisherman so the worst part is I am dealing this alone while he is in Alaska and he tries to be sensitive but in the end he just couldn't know and now I resent him for that .


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hoping for a baby* 
Three and a half months ago I lost a baby at sixteenweeks. I pushed it aside very quickly being the people pleaser that I am and went back to work immediatley. Now I find myself Isolated from my husband and from my sister who is now pregnant with number two. I don't know what to do. My baby would have been born in March. Everyone is moved on with their life and I am afraid that I am losing it. This is such an isolated event. NO one can understand everyone has something to say though. I find myself angry and jealous at every person that has a baby. I cry every night. I just don't want to be this person anymore. The pain is becoming anger and I have no one to talk to. Every day is a new struggle I am so angry and so sad and I do feel like this is one of those circumstances that because it is akward for other people to deal with everyone just hopes/expects for you to get over it . It is affecting me at work I just find my self in a daze not really wanting to committ about anything. I want a new baby but then again I don't. I even tried the logical excuse that there was something wrong with the baby. My husband is a fisherman so the worst part is I am dealing this alone while he is in Alaska and he tries to be sensitive but in the end he just couldn't know and now I resent him for that .









I am so sorry.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

aww you guys. I've been reading this thread and crying. I feel so badly for each of you going thru these problems. I can't imagine being alone, or feeling alone....i do sometimes but usually because I am the kind to push others away. I keep getting invitations to the local SAID and it makes me mad because I don't want to go to a room of strangers and hear their stories to remind me of what i have lost. I hope all of you find peace and heal. I'm trying my best to do both, and it's a b*tch.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Rosemary - when you see that little girl, say a prayer for Norah and I. Luckily I do not know very many pregnant women. I'm not certain how I would deal with a little one that is Norah's age. Most of my friends have babies over 1 year old and I seem to be fine with that age. I hope you get from your appointments what you need.

H4ababy - You will find that everyone will move on, except for you. It is OK to get angry on this thread, it is part of healing. Just writing down what you are feeling in a journal or on this board may also help.

Last night I wandered my house for hours searching for something. I can't figure out what but I looked everywhere. Just restless, lonely in a house full of people.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Thank you guys so much for your support. I feel so much better ten hours later. namaste mom I understand the restlestness and the searching for something. IT is like an itch you can't scratch. You know that you need something and you aren't going to rest until you get it but there is nothing. I want to use this opportunity to heal I am just so happy I found this . Thank you all.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

to all you mamas....

Today I feel very empty. I don't know what possessed me but I went to my last DDC and read a couple of posts. They are all comparing the movements that they are feeling and belly pics. It depressed me so....

I have this lonely pain inside my chest, so deep and so painful it is almost palpable. My dh is out of town again and I am alone with my 3 dc. I could just scream I am so lonely.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 







to all you mamas....

Today I feel very empty. I don't know what possessed me but I went to my last DDC and read a couple of posts. They are all comparing the movements that they are feeling and belly pics. It depressed me so....

I have this lonely pain inside my chest, so deep and so painful it is almost palpable. My dh is out of town again and I am alone with my 3 dc. I could just scream I am so lonely.

I know, I know, I know! I get to the July page and I want to click on it so BADLY (sometimes I do) but most times I have to make myself stay away. It is just SO painful. I can click on the other DDC's and check in on the mama's but July is just really tough.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

So today was a little better than usual. I wonder if it was the coffee. J/k. I saw a baby brand new and I didn't feel any animosity towards the mother.








I have this fear that when we try again in March that I will lose a baby again and it is so scary. I don't know if I could go through it again. Sometimes I just don't understand. These things in life don't make sense.
The hardest thing for me was four days after I lost the baby the manager at my work called me in to work. I told her that I was not ready and she gave me a guilt trip about how they are really busy and that after she had her miscarriage she was forced to go to work the next day. She really isn't an awful person but this is the general attitude that I have been faced with by people. I told so many people I was pregnant to once it was three months because I thought it was safe and now months later people are asking me what happened. It makes it so hard to heal when you have to talk about it .
Its like I am finally okay with it and then a customer brings it up and catches me off guard and my defenses fall to the floor and I am crushed again. Sunday I was at the doctor and I told them what happened and out of nowhere Im sobbing.
I want to be better. I used to be so happy and so funny. I worry that I will never fully be myself again.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
Empathmom -









I find the whole "fake it until you make it" to be helpful somedays. Like going to a public event where no one really knows you and participating.

I have also kept myself busy with work and always putting something in front of me with a deadline to finish...like say, I want that bedroom painted by next Saturday and I make sure that I get it done because then the next week I am painting the hall.

The best thing for me before Christmas was to be a Holiday Helper so that I turned my attention from myself and my pain and focused on helping another family in need.

This definitely was the most gratifying and I wish that I could do more.

Hope that helps!!!

I just read about how you were redirecting your pain to others. I have been donating lots of money to charities and the Aspca things to let go of my own self and focus. During the day it helps alot and I think that it is a selfless and tremendous thing to do . It would be easier to give up but reaching out in your own pain MamaTerra is so important. I hope that all of you mamas know that you are not alone.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Rosemary - to not go to your last DDC, step away from the keyboard. Please don't torture yourself any more than you already do. By going to your DDC, your inviting more pain. I could see where people might think it is healing but not for many more months. (((HUGS))) I know what you mean about being lonely but I can be lonely in a house full of family.

Amydoula - you too, stay away from your DDC

H4baby - my restlessness has passed, now I'm just suprising myself with my lack of ability to function at work. I'm sorry that your manager guilted you back to work so quickly.

Me - coping, supposed to be working, not doing much. Thinking about going for a run but I'm still sick with a cold.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Today was another good day. I read all of these threads and I feel like I wrote them myselves. My husband has tried to be really supportive of everything and he is doing great. Do any of you ever feel like a broken record when you try and talk about your miscarriage? I feel like when I want to talk about it to other people they are secretly rolling their eyes.







:


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hoping for a baby* 
Today was another good day. I read all of these threads and I feel like I wrote them myselves. My husband has tried to be really supportive of everything and he is doing great. Do any of you ever feel like a broken record when you try and talk about your miscarriage? I feel like when I want to talk about it to other people they are secretly rolling their eyes.







:

I have not had this experience, but only because I really have not talked to anyone since the miscarriage. We made the initial calls, and no one has checked in since. It has been two weeks. Actually, my MIL called the next day, but she was talking to DH about something else. She did ask how we were doing in the beginning. One of my BFs has definitely been supportive. I am not sure what happened to the other one. I have not heard from her since the day after I told her too. It makes me really sad. I admit that I am not calling up anyone either (I am emailing both BFs). I am dealing with all of this by avoiding the insensitive comments and questions. I had enough that first day. Even the doctor (that I saw once) called me on Monday to check in. It will be two weeks tomorrow...not one sympathy card or (in my opinion) true acknowledgment of our loss.

We told the people we would want to support us in a loss. We talked about telling people early, and we both agreed that these are the people we would want to know we had a loss. It is so painful to realize that the people we thought would support us have not at all.

I am in a wedding, and the bride got in touch to ask if I wanted to go dress shopping on Saturday. She has not said anything about my loss.

Anyone else having a difficult time balancing their life and their grief? I seem to be walking a tightrope and on either side are two extreme sides of this situation. One side is complete denial and the other side is deep depression. It is like I always keep one foot on the rope, but my body tips on either side moment to moment.

I wrote an email to my BF the other day. In the beginning I was describing how sad I am about this loss and then just abruptly I started talking about a package I had gotten that day. I ordered some new linens, and they are great. She called me and immediately commented on the abrupt change of tone in the letter. She thought that maybe I had taken a break in between writing, and I had not. This is really how I have been living.

I really try to stay present in the now. If I stay in the moment there is no future to think about (all of the developments and life experiences are not relevant), and I do not think about where I was a few weeks ago. I feel good when I am present, but I also feel like maybe I am not properly grieving the baby's death.

Oh, and I seem to be occupying my mind with shopping and tv. I have done so much shopping these last two weeks. Sadly, being a consumer is really numbing some of the pain. I have been eating terribly, and I can feel it. I have not cooked in weeks, and most of our meals have been take out.

I did mostly finish the baby journal/scrapbook last week. I just have to add the pictures. I am really happy with it. The belly pictures should be arriving in the next few days. I wanted to add one last part. I want to write a letter to the baby. I think it will give me a little more closure.

Thanks for reading.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

BlissfullyLoving - I'm so sorry to read that no one has checked it with you. When I had a miscarriage 1.5 years ago, I didn't tell anyone. And it was just as you described it, a tightrope. Then, I let myself fall into a depression which lasted about 2 months and I felt much better afterwards, like I had taken to time to grief for the baby. My full term loss is a different experience. I asked that people not call us on the phone and asked that my colleagues not bring it up at work. Mostly because in the beginning, I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it. Now, I'm starting to process grief and am beginning to let people know that it is OK to talk about the loss of Norah and they can ask questions if they want.
I agree that being in the present is the best way to handle things. However, that also means acknowledging your thoughts at the moment. Now, I sad. Now, I angry. Now, I don't feel anything. Just acknowledge and let them go. Your feeling are going to run the gammut (Is that a word?) for quite awhile. Just stay in the present and acknowledge them. I also give myself some time each day to think about Norah. That seems to help me avoid the train wrecks which might occur when people ask about the new little one and I have to tell them that she died. I can hold it together at least until I am by myself.
I don't know if this will help you, I'm kind of rambling, sorry.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Bliss-I SO hear you on the tightrope thing!That is such a good description of this experience!
I realized yesterday, that I am not involving my kids in this recovery.I totally involved them in the pregnancy, and we spoke about Elvie on a daily, if not hourly basis. Now, I mentioned something about her yesterday, and realized it was the first we spoke about HER since the day after Christmas, when I had the dandc.They see me cry, bleed, sleep,read,sob,take extra vitamins, etc...but WE have not had any conversations about anything about this baby since.We do talk about other babies, and Dd-4- involves babie Elvie in her play,but that's it.
Mamaterra- You need to get out of the house,go to a park,if it's too cold, go to a fast food play area,or a home improvement store-they have different carts for the kids to play on, and huge aisles.You can pretend to look at hardware or wood and they can run around or play on the cart within sight.-we do this on occasion...It sounds like you need a major support person right now.Maybe even a post-partum doula.You should rest or you won't be able to get a grip, and you'll slip,mamma!You need backup, cos you are being expected to do too much right now.














:


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlissfullyLoving* 
I have not had this experience, but only because I really have not talked to anyone since the miscarriage. We made the initial calls, and no one has checked in since. It has been two weeks. Actually, my MIL called the next day, but she was talking to DH about something else. She did ask how we were doing in the beginning. One of my BFs has definitely been supportive. I am not sure what happened to the other one. I have not heard from her since the day after I told her too. It makes me really sad. I admit that I am not calling up anyone either (I am emailing both BFs). I am dealing with all of this by avoiding the insensitive comments and questions. I had enough that first day. Even the doctor (that I saw once) called me on Monday to check in. It will be two weeks tomorrow...not one sympathy card or (in my opinion) true acknowledgment of our loss.

We told the people we would want to support us in a loss. We talked about telling people early, and we both agreed that these are the people we would want to know we had a loss. It is so painful to realize that the people we thought would support us have not at all.

I am in a wedding, and the bride got in touch to ask if I wanted to go dress shopping on Saturday. She has not said anything about my loss.

Anyone else having a difficult time balancing their life and their grief? I seem to be walking a tightrope and on either side are two extreme sides of this situation. One side is complete denial and the other side is deep depression. It is like I always keep one foot on the rope, but my body tips on either side moment to moment.

I wrote an email to my BF the other day. In the beginning I was describing how sad I am about this loss and then just abruptly I started talking about a package I had gotten that day. I ordered some new linens, and they are great. She called me and immediately commented on the abrupt change of tone in the letter. She thought that maybe I had taken a break in between writing, and I had not. This is really how I have been living.

I really try to stay present in the now. If I stay in the moment there is no future to think about (all of the developments and life experiences are not relevant), and I do not think about where I was a few weeks ago. I feel good when I am present, but I also feel like maybe I am not properly grieving the baby's death.

Oh, and I seem to be occupying my mind with shopping and tv. I have done so much shopping these last two weeks. Sadly, being a consumer is really numbing some of the pain. I have been eating terribly, and I can feel it. I have not cooked in weeks, and most of our meals have been take out.

I did mostly finish the baby journal/scrapbook last week. I just have to add the pictures. I am really happy with it. The belly pictures should be arriving in the next few days. I wanted to add one last part. I want to write a letter to the baby. I think it will give me a little more closure.

Thanks for reading.









Omigod! That is all I have been doing eating and shopping. Im slowly finding a balance now. Im online all the time its just instant gratification to get us thought this time.
I am so sorry that not everyone is there for you like you hoped. It seems to me that in tragedy we find out who our true friends are. Even though some disappoint now people will really pull through. LIve in the moment but at the same time don't let yourself get to distracted like I did because your grieving will come out sooner or later. People just don't know.
A customer at my pharmacy has had her third this year and I just wonder how she does it. We are all together. I think the balance will come naturally. I have felt like myself for the first time these last couple of days in months. I hope it stays.
much love


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## Bella Catalina (Aug 19, 2006)

I am new here... we lost our little one yesterday at 9w4d. I posted in the HHT (is that right?) thread, but I don't think I am ready to be there yet.

I am so sorry for all of you here







The only people we've told about the loss so far are a couple of distant (in miles, not closeness) friends--my BF in Detroit and my other BF in PR, and my mum in Australia... all by email, and another good friend who lives close by. I birthed the placenta tonight and I can't understand why I felt so good about it... I did not want a D&C, so maybe that is a big part of it. But I am confused. I feel numb, like my grieving is already done with, and while I know that isn't true in the least, it makes me feel horrible about myself.

I am considering sending a big impersonal group email (though how can something so devastating be so impersonal) to let everyone know, and I am also considering requesting no replies. I don't want to deal with the insensitive comments, but I am worried everyone will think I just want them to pretend this baby never existed. And to be honest it's only been 24 hours and already life has moved on for everyone else, while I am here at a standstill...

We'd told my family at Christmas, and then MIL announced it to her whole extended family. That was DH's fault because he forgot to tell her not to say anything, but she still should have asked, and that hurts. But then again, our first pregnancy was fine, so why should anyone expect any different with #2, right? As painful as this is, I am glad I am not naive to the suffering of others. Only those who have been here can truly understand, and this means that I will be able to help others at some point.

Sorry for rambling... I am struggling to talk much about it with DH. He tries but he can't understand. I am grateful that he at least attempted--or pretended--to understand why I need to give our daughter a name, though nothing has come to me yet.


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## proudpoppa (Feb 11, 2007)

I read the last couple of pages and I am tears. However, I would be like that anyway. It's been a hard week. It has been a month since I m/c at 9 wks. On Monday I went to visit a friend and her 3 wk old new baby. I've been talking with her over the phone lately and I seemed so ok. Then when I visited and saw that little baby I just felt like I couldn't do it. I went to the bathroom thinking that I could pull myself together but it didn't work. I definitely looked like I was crying. I went down and started crying again. This is hard emotional work. I've been crying a lot this week. Like another poster said, I think I'm all cried out and then there they are again. I was at our local home school gym and had a normal time then a mother told me she was sorry about what had happened. She was perfect about it saying that it must be horrible situation etc. Still my equilibrium is so precarious and I basically could manage saying "Thanks, I'm fine" and had to walk away because I was on the verge of falling apart. I keep reminding myself that it is only 1 month since all this happened. My partner and I were trying for 4 years and the pregnancy only lasted 2 months really. Its a lot to absorb and unfortunately accept. Anyway, enough. I guess like the thread title said"One day at a time..." thats all I can expect of myself and I"m going to try and do that for myself.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bella Catalina* 
I am new here... we lost our little one yesterday at 9w4d. I posted in the HHT (is that right?) thread, but I don't think I am ready to be there yet.

I am so sorry for all of you here







The only people we've told about the loss so far are a couple of distant (in miles, not closeness) friends--my BF in Detroit and my other BF in PR, and my mum in Australia... all by email, and another good friend who lives close by. I birthed the placenta tonight and I can't understand why I felt so good about it... I did not want a D&C, so maybe that is a big part of it. But I am confused. I feel numb, like my grieving is already done with, and while I know that isn't true in the least, it makes me feel horrible about myself.

I am considering sending a big impersonal group email (though how can something so devastating be so impersonal) to let everyone know, and I am also considering requesting no replies. I don't want to deal with the insensitive comments, but I am worried everyone will think I just want them to pretend this baby never existed. And to be honest it's only been 24 hours and already life has moved on for everyone else, while I am here at a standstill...

We'd told my family at Christmas, and then MIL announced it to her whole extended family. That was DH's fault because he forgot to tell her not to say anything, but she still should have asked, and that hurts. But then again, our first pregnancy was fine, so why should anyone expect any different with #2, right? As painful as this is, I am glad I am not naive to the suffering of others. Only those who have been here can truly understand, and this means that I will be able to help others at some point.

Sorry for rambling... I am struggling to talk much about it with DH. He tries but he can't understand. I am grateful that he at least attempted--or pretended--to understand why I need to give our daughter a name, though nothing has come to me yet.

Brooke, I am so sorry to see you here.







I am so sorry for your loss.

We were in a similar situation after the miscarriage. We told our immediate family on Christmas, many of our friends, and my mom told anyone that would listen. After the miscarriage I just could not face any questions or discussion, so I did send out an impersonal email to friends. My DH called his mother and sister. I talked to my brother which is my best friend and very sensitive to my needs. I told him, he asked no questions, and asked him to spread the word. It worked for us.








We are always here to listen.


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## skybluepink02 (Nov 9, 2005)

This is the first day I've had no pregnancy symptoms. My boobs are soft, I'm not queasy, I can eat whatever I want.... I hate it. I'm hardly bleeding anymore. It's like my body has just accepted what happened. I wish my mind could accept it that easily. I keep looking at the few pictures we have of our positive pregnancy test. That's all we have to remember that we were even pregnant! How can something so devastating leave so very few signs on the world?


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

I wish that I had kept the pregnancy test. I found out on my honeymoon that I was pregnant with my baby. I never named my baby but I think maybe I will now. I remember we talked about having one for so long. It was our dream. Finally I got pregnant. I took six different pregnancy tests. It was great. I couldn't eat or sleep.
I want to know why did I lose my baby and why is mysister healthy and pregnant with her second? I feel like so torn how ami supposed to be happy for her and at the same time I am so angry at her. Angry because she tried again so soon after I lost mine and now she is consumed with her pregnancy and talks about it with no regard to my feelings.
maybe that is not fair/ Im so confused. I just don't understand we all would have been good mothers. I want to have a baby so bad. I want to be a mommy I want to look into my little ones eyes.
I never got to say good bye to my baby. Maybe this is my first step but I want to name my little girl Ramona. I can't stop crying now...
I just loved her without her even being born. Then .. She was just ripped from me and no one understands. NO ONE!
Im so angry Im just so angry.


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## Shy0717 (Jun 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hoping for a baby* 
I wish that I had kept the pregnancy test. I found out on my honeymoon that I was pregnant with my baby. I never named my baby but I think maybe I will now. I remember we talked about having one for so long. It was our dream. Finally I got pregnant. I took six different pregnancy tests. It was great. I couldn't eat or sleep.
I want to know why did I lose my baby and why is mysister healthy and pregnant with her second? I feel like so torn how ami supposed to be happy for her and at the same time I am so angry at her. Angry because she tried again so soon after I lost mine and now she is consumed with her pregnancy and talks about it with no regard to my feelings.
maybe that is not fair/ Im so confused. I just don't understand we all would have been good mothers. I want to have a baby so bad. I want to be a mommy I want to look into my little ones eyes.
I never got to say good bye to my baby. Maybe this is my first step but I want to name my little girl Ramona. I can't stop crying now...
I just loved her without her even being born. Then .. She was just ripped from me and no one understands. NO ONE!
Im so angry Im just so angry.









I feel like I could have written your post. I'm so sorry for your loss







I know how hard it can be with all those emotions swirling around in you. If naming your baby is something you've wanted to do I think you should. Its helped me in my healing to name my little one. To me it made them seem more real...and more mine. I don't know I guess its hard to explain. But I think if its something you feel strongly about you should do it. The anger and bitterness is normal and you're justified in feeling that way. I still feel it. I really am sorry for your loss.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Wow last night I was so mad. There is nothing like a good night sleep. When I finally do get pregnant again will these feelings subside? How has anyone else dealt having a child after a miscarriage? Does anyone have any concerns about when they do?







:


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

H4baby - I had a miscarriage in October 2006 and then got pregnant with Norah in Feb. 2007. I was very nervous for the first trimester but that subsided. Anger is a very natural part of the grieving process. Its OK to be angry in fact, experts (whoever that is) say it is better than bottling it all up.

skybluepink - it is a while before the mind accepts what is happening

proudpoppa - I'm sorry for your loss. This is the place to express your feelings.

BellaCatalina - I'm sorry for you loss also. You are welcome on this thread.

KRSpirit - I hope you are having a better day. It is important to involve kids in the grieving process. They need to know it is OK to talk about the baby and what they are feeling.

My 3 year old still talks to my belly and then we have to have a chat about how baby Norah is no longer in there and that she died. My 5 year old insists that there is another in my belly at all times. I have to tell her that there is not. It makes me so sad that they do not have their sister to help take care of and to play with.


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## Bella Catalina (Aug 19, 2006)

I've been dealing with the insensitive comments... and it hurts. even worse is that these comments have come from someone who has been through this. The "Well at least you know you can get pregnant again" comment made me angry because it took us a year to conceive Bailee, and this friend conceived first try both times, with her BO and the baby she holds in her arms before AF even returned post BO m/c... And yes, we most probably can conceive again. But Bailee hadn't even been gone 3 days and she says this... and DH asks me why I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere *sigh*

The other thing she proceeeded to tell me was "well, I hate to say this, but I never had a good feeling about this [my] pregnancy." Seriously? Who says that? Although I had told her I think I knew from the beginning, that's just totally inappropriate to say to someone.

On the other hand, my old boss went through a traumatic m/c the week before DS was born, and when I told her today, she told me that the one thing she's learnt is that the grief comes in waves, and that nearly two years later she still cries, that it's something you never forget or get over, but it just becomes a part of your history, your family life.

And I finally decided on a name for our angel. Bailee Nöel. Nöel is always a name I have liked, but it seemed especially fitting, in that knowing of her presence gave us great joy over Christmas.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bella Catalina* 
I've been dealing with the insensitive comments... and it hurts. even worse is that these comments have come from someone who has been through this. The "Well at least you know you can get pregnant again" comment made me angry because it took us a year to conceive Bailee, and this friend conceived first try both times, with her BO and the baby she holds in her arms before AF even returned post BO m/c... And yes, we most probably can conceive again. But Bailee hadn't even been gone 3 days and she says this... and DH asks me why I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere *sigh*

The other thing she proceeeded to tell me was "well, I hate to say this, but I never had a good feeling about this [my] pregnancy." Seriously? Who says that? Although I had told her I think I knew from the beginning, that's just totally inappropriate to say to someone.

On the other hand, my old boss went through a traumatic m/c the week before DS was born, and when I told her today, she told me that the one thing she's learnt is that the grief comes in waves, and that nearly two years later she still cries, that it's something you never forget or get over, but it just becomes a part of your history, your family life.

And I finally decided on a name for our angel. Bailee Nöel. Nöel is always a name I have liked, but it seemed especially fitting, in that knowing of her presence gave us great joy over Christmas.

That is a beautiful name Brooke.


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## Shy0717 (Jun 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bella Catalina* 
I've been dealing with the insensitive comments... and it hurts. even worse is that these comments have come from someone who has been through this. The "Well at least you know you can get pregnant again" comment made me angry because it took us a year to conceive Bailee, and this friend conceived first try both times, with her BO and the baby she holds in her arms before AF even returned post BO m/c... And yes, we most probably can conceive again. But Bailee hadn't even been gone 3 days and she says this... and DH asks me why I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere *sigh*

The other thing she proceeeded to tell me was "well, I hate to say this, but I never had a good feeling about this [my] pregnancy." Seriously? Who says that? Although I had told her I think I knew from the beginning, that's just totally inappropriate to say to someone.

On the other hand, my old boss went through a traumatic m/c the week before DS was born, and when I told her today, she told me that the one thing she's learnt is that the grief comes in waves, and that nearly two years later she still cries, that it's something you never forget or get over, but it just becomes a part of your history, your family life.

And I finally decided on a name for our angel. Bailee Nöel. Nöel is always a name I have liked, but it seemed especially fitting, in that knowing of her presence gave us great joy over Christmas.

I'm sorry that your friend is being so insensitive.







Sometimes silence is the better choice if people have nothing nice to say. And your little one's name is beautiful.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hoping for a baby* 
Wow last night I was so mad. There is nothing like a good night sleep. When I finally do get pregnant again will these feelings subside? How has anyone else dealt having a child after a miscarriage? Does anyone have any concerns about when they do?







:

I have dealt with this. I had a miscarriage, then my son, and now a miscarriage again. When I was pregnant with my son I was a nervous wreck the whole time. I'm sure when I get pregnant again it will be the same way.


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## Bella Catalina (Aug 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hoping for a baby* 
I wish that I had kept the pregnancy test. I found out on my honeymoon that I was pregnant with my baby. I never named my baby but I think maybe I will now. I remember we talked about having one for so long. It was our dream. Finally I got pregnant. I took six different pregnancy tests. It was great. I couldn't eat or sleep.
I want to know why did I lose my baby and why is mysister healthy and pregnant with her second? I feel like so torn how ami supposed to be happy for her and at the same time I am so angry at her. Angry because she tried again so soon after I lost mine and now she is consumed with her pregnancy and talks about it with no regard to my feelings.
maybe that is not fair/ Im so confused. I just don't understand we all would have been good mothers. I want to have a baby so bad. I want to be a mommy I want to look into my little ones eyes.
I never got to say good bye to my baby. Maybe this is my first step but I want to name my little girl Ramona. I can't stop crying now...
I just loved her without her even being born. Then .. She was just ripped from me and no one understands. NO ONE!
Im so angry Im just so angry.









Honey I just wanted to give you some






















I don't have a sister but I know what it's like trying to be happy for someone else yet so angry at the same time. Ramona is a beautiful name. I don't understand it, either. I don't understand why so many people who don't want to be mothers find themselves pregnant when so many who do want to be mothers cannot make it happen.

Just know that it is okay to grieve. It's not something you will get over. It will just become part of you. And so many people don't understand it, even some who have been through it. Do not ever let anyone tell you you should "get over it", I don't believe there is such a thing when you lose something so precious.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

I feel like I had a tough weekend although outwardly things looked fine. That is the way it is so often.

I am talking about the baby and my loss more...to anyone that will listen. I am not sure if it is to remind people that this baby was real and missed or just because I want to talk about him. I definitely want to talk about him, but part of me cannot understand why people say nothing.

I saw a pregnant friend on Friday (we were trying at the same time), and she looks great. Her belly is getting so big, and I am really excited for her. While we were together I saw at least two other pregnant women. I feel so sad for us. Their bellies are just a reminder. On Saturday I did some shopping for a wedding I am in. The bride never said anything about the baby, and her mother told me to hurry and try again. I immediately started crying behind my sunglasses. I do not think she ever realized how hurtful that was to me. She lost her husband a couple of years ago, and I never told her to hurry up and get a new husband. I lost a baby, and I need time to heal and grieve. I miss him, and while I would love another baby I am not ready to even think about that.

Interestingly, on Saturday my DS asked me if I was pregnant. He is 3, and does not even know what it means. He overheard me telling a story, and later asked me. I felt like I was in The Scarlet Letter and Pearl was asking me about the letter A. I could not even respond to him.

I have been getting comfort from shopping, and so I spent a lot of time doing that. I picked out new furniture for the living room and DS's room...now I just need to find the money for them. Of course while I am shopping I keep running into all these happily pregnant women. Sadly, I find myself questioning if they deserve to have a baby. Are they a good parent? Do they want that baby, etc? I indulge these thoughts for only a few seconds.

Do you know the song "Round Here" by Counting Crows? I am not a huge fan of the song, but I always loved the section that says, "But the girl on the car in the parking lot says: "Man, you should try to take a shot. Can't you see my walls are crumblin?" Then she looks up at the building and says she's thinkin of jumping. She says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something." I heard that on Friday and again in a dream last night. On Friday during that part in the car I turned it up, and I felt the energy through my whole body, especially my head. It was like the energy was coming alive (sort of the same feeling I have had with the tiny bit of Reiki I have done). It was active and super charged. I am not contemplating suicide by any means, but wow, can I relate to feeling like the walls are crumbling and being so tired of the sadness. I feel like it is so hard to hold it all together all the time, and yet, I cannot even think of dealing with all of this in another way.

I did not intend for this to get so long. Thanks for reading.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

I am so sorry. To be in a wedding so soon too. all of these beautiful things and here you are in your own sadness. You are not alone.
Take your time I am realizing that people will try and say things that in their minds are helpful but it is your baby and you lost a child and any mother to say these things has lost sight of what it was like to carry a child in their womb for any amount of time. Grieve if you need to.
Don't stifle your tears for anyone as you wouldn't expect this of others.
This is hard but aren't you glad to have a place like this.
Seeing people who are pregnant and having babies when you were supposed to is so hard. OF course we are happy for them but really it should have been us too.
Hugs for you and please know that you aren't alone. I think that song is actualy beautiful and it seems everyday at some point I feel like my walls are crumbling down. take care.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Bella Catalina - Yep, I get angry too because nobody knows how much effort we put into conceiving our babies. I'm so glad that your boss is supportive. I love Bailee's name!

Amydoula - I don't think we will ever not be nervous about being pregnant, the innocence is gone

BlissfullyLoving - I think it is great to talk about your baby. wow, that brides mom was very insensitive. My 3 year old asks me all the time where baby Norah is, it is so heartbreaking. Yeah...tired of being sad...I'm right there with you.

H4baby - Hi, hope you are doing a little better.

Me - very very bad weekend. I miss Norah so much. DH and I were talking last night about spirits and souls and wished that she would come sleep between us for a night so we know she is OK and so we can experience what it would have been like to have her with us.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Hello ladies,

I just wanted to post that I am praying for everyone who posts here.

D- I just cry thinking about your Norah. The only peace I find is that I think about her and Avery playing in heaven and waiting for us. I pray that we see their spirits someday soon.

Bella catalina- My thoughts are with you. I am sorry for your loss.

Blissfully loving- I know that the questions our DC ask us can be so difficult, especially when it comes to this. My sons ask me a lot about Avery and since her DUe date was right after Easter this year, they are asking a lot about babies. Lots of







s to you.

Me:having a sad day, thinking about my Mom-Mom and that she is holding Avery right now. Also, praying for a close friend's baby who is in surgery to repair a hole in her heart.

Take care mamas.

Jen


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

The woman (bride) I mentioned above emailed today to say she was sorry about the baby, and that she had not said anything because she did not want to say the wrong thing. That made me feel better.

I went through pictures today from Christmas, and all I can see was the baby we were so excited about.

Thank you for your kind words *hoping*, *namaste* and *momoftwo*. It really helps.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

it is really hard when people say things that they don't realize are hurtful, and it's the worst when those words come from people close to you. When we lost our ds, the hospital gave us a book about dealing with loss of an infant, and they gave us pamphlets for the grandparents. In these pamphlets, there was information for the grandparents and basically a checklist of what to say and what NOT TO SAY, and i swear to you all, my MIL did everything she SHOULD NOT DO, and said everything on the NOT TO SAY list, and it was horrible. She was pushing us saying we should have a full funeral and everything, and he was 19 1/2 weeks and we decided to cremate him and that wasn't right to her. It was so maddening that I made my dh talk to her and deal with her, because if i had had to talk to her when she was being so intrusive and opinionated, i would have gotten us disowned (which at that point seemed like a joyous thing). At the time I was dealing with my own parents, who had come to visit me in the hospital after the loss, and my own mother saying, "Well, I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the beginning, you always looked really thin and pale and not pink and chubby like you did with the first one, and I always thought you might lose this one." I didn't know what to say. I was mortified that she would even say that to me. She has since repeated the statement (on thanksgiving) and i told her, i was sick when i was pregnant with dd, and i don't see that this pregnancy was ANY different, so please don't say that because it only hurts me." and since then she hasn't said anything like that again. My dad was with the statement "well at least you have your daughter and you can try again". also not helpful. I swear, at least once my parents read their pamphlet they didn't say anything on the bad list, but still...in the spring when the ground thaws we're going to plant a tree for ds at a cemetary and place his ashes underneath, and we just want it to be us, no extended family, so at that time i'm sure my MIL will try to butt in again. it sucks when you go thru something as terrible as losing a child and instead of keeping their fat mouths shut people have to chip in their two cents, and all it does is make me angry and make me want to take those two cents and shove it someplace they won't be able to find it again.

i hope all of you are blessed with more sensitive people around you, but by the sounds of it many of you have had the issues I have.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen - I hope that Avery and Norah are having a good time together. I also hope your mom-mom is hanging out with them. That makes me feel better.

Bliss - I'm glad the bride talked to you

apmama - your MIL sounds like a real pain and I'm sorry that your parents were not more supportive of your decisions. I think parents try to control their kids even when their kids are adults. My MIL refused to speak for fear she would say something to upset me -- that was fine with me. My Mom didn't say much either.

Me - OK day, not great, not bad


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

I had a good few days.Put all my energy into ripping off my bedroom wallpaper and painting 3 times,til I liked the color.I finished today,got everything put together and moved back in and set.Now my mind returns to me.I'm tired again.I haven't slept well for two nights,I'm up alone stressing about things I can't change.Everyone is accustomed to me being fine,if manic,and nobody is offering help.Not that I need much, just companionship without expectation.Just someone to be with, not FOR.I've given too much again, and I'm on empty.I'm going to put the kids in the van and go get a soda and a candy bar.maybe a movie.If I can stop crying enough to speak.








s to all the newcomers.

I really feel like Elvie is way gone now,I don't feel her spirit here anymore.It feels like a long way to talk to her.I HOPE she's just busy playing with your babes.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

KRSpirit - Yep, I agree that you need to take care of yourself and get some alone time to grieve for Elvie. For weeks after Norah died, I need an hour or two a day to spend thinking about Norah and working through the grief. I walked in the woods, wrote to her, stared at her picture. I hope you can find some relief to your stress. Even though you can not feel Elvie, she is near. I know this to be true. Our babies do not stray to far. I found for the first month or so that I couldn't feel Norah and was so sad because I couldn't. Then, I slowly come to feel that she has always been around but my grief was so overwelming that I couldn't feel her. Elvie is near and I hope she is playing with Norah.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Tough day. I woke up to a phone call from my brother informing me that my mother was in the hospital. I spent the day there with her. She seems ok, but they want to keep her there because she failed one of her tests. She is freaked out, and she takes a lot out of me. While at the hospital I saw multiple newborns in the ER. They were sick and crying. I was heartbroken for them, and I could not stop judging the parents. I let myself indulge in these thoughts longer then usual which is good for no one. It does not matter if I think I would be a better parent and more deserving of a baby...it just does not matter. I have a terrible headache, and I just want to get to bed.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

to all in this post. It is such a sad group to be a member of - a sadness I could never imagine - never wanted to experience. My best friend/aunt had two losses years ago, and I called her yesterday after I visted the dr and found out I had a m/c. She said "No words will help. I love you. No one else in our family understands - it's just you and me, kiddo." Her words broke my heart and brought healing at the same time.
I thought that after I had cried all day yesterday my tears were gone - but here they are again.
And here's one for insensitive comments - from MY DAD - a chuckle and the words - "Well, you're in your thirties. It's not as easy." I'm so angry about it - it makes me sick.
I am thankful for my aunt. She's wonderful. And my dh has been amazing. He's cried with me and held me. He's left me alone, but has been right there when I call for him. He is hurting, but he's not making his grief his priority. I am blessed.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

*youthpastormama*







I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your aunt and DH are a wonderful support system.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

oh youthpastormama








i just cried when i read what your dad said.
i am so sorry.
thank goodness for your aunt.
i'm sending you lots of love.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

youthpastormama- I am so sorry for what you have endured. Your Aunt sounds lovely.

Thinking of everyone here and praying. I am just sad today







. It is damp and cold and I am thinking of our wee one and what she might be doing if she were here, (well if I were still pg with her at the moment). I really do not like winter, it just gets me down.

Have a good day ladies!

Jen


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

IT is Five in the morning and I can't sleep. I have thrown myself into projects around the house. Its quite desperate how I throw myself into things to distract myself. I don't know how many charities I have joined. I know that I have been doing better during the day, Its at night I always watch TV to make time pass and at some point in any show I am watching if I see something sad I unravel and sob. My poor puppies actually seem confused.
I just want to say to everyone keep writing on this site because it has already helped me so much. Dad's and uncles and bosses tend to all be jerks when dealing with news that involves tragedy much less something personal. Gather around the people who get you and what I am learning is share your grief with your husband now that I have opened up more I realize how much pain he is in too.
God b less you all and I will be thinking of all of you.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I have a hard time staying out of the baby section when I go to stores. I have a hard time staying out of Carter's even though it makes me cry. I think I am torturing myself.

Seeing people with babies and small children makes me swell up with tears.

Now I know exactly how much I want a baby. A LOT!!!

I started lactating a few days ago. I was really looking forward to breastfeeding.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

i got an email yesterday from a cousin in vancouver who is "out of the loop." it said YAYYY! congratulations a new baby on the way! i just found out you're pregnant!
well, it was only that afternoon that i found out for sure the baby is gone. i sat there stunned, silent reading it.
i kept wondering why her sister hadn't told her i was miscarrying, as she knew.
i closed the computer and began to go very quiet and then i lost my temper with my husband and son. it took an hour for me to talk about it.
on top of it the cousin talked about her newborn, and toddler, and how she is running a 1/2 marathon in may.

i know it wasn't her fault. bad timing. communcation break down. but it was shocking how much pain i felt.

i feel fat, sick, crampy, yecky and empty.

i tried to go out and buy myself a new outfit today, and it did nothing to lift my spirits.

i've been eating cinnimon rolls all week, toast and peanut butter, enough carbs to add another 10lbs. i just need to comfort myself.

life kinda sucks at the moment.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Bliss* - I hope your mother gets better. Take Care of your health.

*Youthpastormama* - I'm so sorry for your loss. Nobody knows what you are going through unless they have been in your shoes ((HUGS))

*Jen* - hope you are having a good day today and a good weekend. Try not to get depressed by the weather, maybe you could get a happy lamp

*H4baby* - Maybe distraction isn't good. Maybe if you can focus on grieving now then maybe you can heal.

*honeybunch2k8 -* I'm sorry for your loss. When your milk comes in, it really really really sucks. I know. So sorry.

*Leobabe* - sorry that you had to read that email. It is hard to get those. Sometimes eating is a good thing. ((HUGS)) Life will suck for a bit, but it will get better.

Me - I'm OK right now, the weekends are hard. Norah died on a Sunday, so I keep track of how many Sunday's have past.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

D (Namaste Mom) - I hope you can have a good weekend. I am so sorry about Norah. Words are not enough to express my sorrow for you.








s to all here.

Take care,
Jen


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

to everyone here. I am so thankful to have a place like this to come and not be judged, not be rushed, just loved and supported. I would never talk in person with another woman (other than my dear aunt and SIL), but I feel comfortable and welcome here. My heart reaches out to all of you.
This has been a very interesting time for me. For those of you who have read my other posts, you know that my parents have been less than supportive. Well, this is something that I have been dealing with for the past year and a half with them. When I was six months along with my dd, one of my father's employees hit me. My father did NOTHING about it. NOTHING. Ever since that time I have struggled with depression, anger, and confusion. Well, after everything that has happened since Tuesday, last night I finally had clarity and an amazing sense of peace as far as my parents are concerned. After getting off the phone with my mom (who finally agreed to take my calls) and thinking about the hurtful things she had just said, I decided that I would no longer let them hurt me. I imagined this wall around myself, my husband, and our three dc. My parents are outside that wall, and I will not let them in to hurt us any longer. This has given me a sense of freedom that I have not felt in so long.
This weekend we are going away. We are taking time to just be our family. We will cry. We will laugh. We will be together and love eachother.
Thank you, all, for being here for me. I am so sad that any of us are going through this. But we are not alone.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I think I am trying to destroy myself mentally.

I put in for a job at a baby clothes store. I know the site of that stuff and people with babies makes me cry, but still I did it.

I still don't understand how this all happen. One day I'm happy and pregnant, the next day I'm babyless.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

:









These stories are killing me. I'm just so sad for us all!


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

*honeybunch2k8*I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you.
*MamabearTo4*


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

A big







for everyone here.

@Leobabe, I know what you mean about the fat feeling. I've been comforting myself with food and shopping. It only helps temporarily.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

I thought long and hard about having another baby today. I am on the fence I really feel like I am ready to be a mom but not ready for a miscarriage again. Has anyone recovered from a second mc? Is this something that I should even stress myself over. All I know that if it happens again and my husband is in Alaska I think I just could not do it alone again.


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## hoping for a baby (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youthpastormama* 







to everyone here. I am so thankful to have a place like this to come and not be judged, not be rushed, just loved and supported. I would never talk in person with another woman (other than my dear aunt and SIL), but I feel comfortable and welcome here. My heart reaches out to all of you.
This has been a very interesting time for me. For those of you who have read my other posts, you know that my parents have been less than supportive. Well, this is something that I have been dealing with for the past year and a half with them. When I was six months along with my dd, one of my father's employees hit me. My father did NOTHING about it. NOTHING. Ever since that time I have struggled with depression, anger, and confusion. Well, after everything that has happened since Tuesday, last night I finally had clarity and an amazing sense of peace as far as my parents are concerned. After getting off the phone with my mom (who finally agreed to take my calls) and thinking about the hurtful things she had just said, I decided that I would no longer let them hurt me. I imagined this wall around myself, my husband, and our three dc. My parents are outside that wall, and I will not let them in to hurt us any longer. This has given me a sense of freedom that I have not felt in so long.
This weekend we are going away. We are taking time to just be our family. We will cry. We will laugh. We will be together and love eachother.
Thank you, all, for being here for me. I am so sad that any of us are going through this. But we are not alone.

Enjoy your time away.


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I'm just going to jump in with out reading the whole post... I'm glad this post is here.

is anyone not trying again? we won't be trying again. we were TTA when we got pg with this baby, that's not to say the baby wasn't loved and won't be missed.. I want to try again but DH does not. I think it might be easier if we were trying again..

our good friends are due one week before this baby would be due. everytime someone mentions them it's like a knife in my heart. I had all these great hopes that our children would be friends and we'd go through the pregnancy together. Of course I'm still happy for them, but I feel really raw when I think they'll have a healthy baby at the end of it and we won't have anything.

I'm thankful for my MIL. she experienced 11 losses in her life. she's been really kind to me.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen - thinking about you too

youthpastormama- you are welcome here. There is something wrong when your father did not stand up for you after that person hit you. I think you are right to cut ties and focus on your immediate family.

honeybunch2k8 - maybe seeing a couselor would help you come to terms with "trying to destroy yourself mentally". Nobody will ever understand why we lose our babies.

hoping4baby - it takes some time to recover from a miscarriage. Give yourself some time to heal. Maybe you will be able to face being pregnant better if you are stronger.

texaspeach - I hope you are feeling better again. Once you get further out from your miscarriage then you can make a better decision on whether to TTC or not. Its tough to think straight the first couple of weeks.

((HUGS)) to everyone.
Another weekend without Norah....


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

, mama...


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

namatse_mom-







s.
This was a hard weekend for me too.Saturday was the one month anniversary of the ER dandc.I sawed wood and made shelves for my closet and put them in.It's too hard to think of it.If I focus on the EXPERIENCE it has brought to my life I'm fine,but if I think of my tiny baby gone.I am not fine.I found out another mom in my church is due around July.I just watch her oput of the corner of my eye.That would be how big i would be...That's how tired, how gracious...
I can't even imagine myself being pregnant now.This is SO permanent.We may not have more kids.Then there's the haunt in my head of twins.I keep hearing too much of twins, and I can hear Elvie planning to hitch a ride with another fertile egg.It would be too much.I'm not sure I can allow it.Part of me doesn't want to stop it, and the rest of me wants to take care of me before anything comes along.That's just not possible without not getting pregnant.I HATE this conversation in my head!I'm so tired of it's unrelenting optimisim and then doubt.YUK!!!!!

I Talked to a very close friend in the next state over,we always have babies at the same time,within 6 mo. or so.It would have been 6 on the dot.She gave birth on Christmas, a day before me.We labored at the same time.She has a 9lb 1 oz boy.I could hear him making sounds over the phone.I am glad I have no bad feelings.I can feel joy for her,i have no resentments.It just hurts that that is a joy i won't have this time.And he will always remind me of Elvie.His name even starts with E.

Also a close friend here just lost her mom.Our grief is different.But greiving the same.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I have thought about counseling.

I felt a lot better today.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

KRSpirit - the conversations in our head's is noise. I once read that if we could shut off the noise and the chatter that it would make a person happier. I don't know if that is true because I've never been able to shut it off all the way but I try to find something to distract me from the noise when it turns negative -- stuff like "you must have done something wrong" or "your being punished for something" isn't helpful. I let the positive continue on but I try to stop the negative.

honey - Many people feel that counseling has saved them. maybe just check it out.

me - OK


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I though about counseling after losing Avery, I was such a mess! Then I realized I had PPD and found help.

Keep posting here, maybe try a pregnancy loss group locally (this did help me) and keep talking about what you need. I think that our culture is terrible with pregnancy and infant loss. Insensitive of our feelings and what we have lost. Talking about such loss should not be so taboo.

Please take care! Hugs and prayers to you.

Jen


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

Tough day today. One week anniversary. Wondering if I'll ever get back to normal.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*YPmama* - normal is a tricky word. You will feel better but you are a different person after a loss so you will never be back to the way you were before hand. ((HUGS))

*Jen* - I agree, we need to be able to talk about our losses as much as we talk we would have talked about our newborn....if only society would listen

*Me* - Weepy day, I'm just feeling sad and feel like crying which I've already done here in my office, had to close the door.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I will look to see if they are any m/c support groups in my area.

I don't think my SO quite understands how much this is hurting. He's sad and disappointed, but I don't think to the degree that I am.

Yesterday was not fun. I have begun to feel physically weak. Yesterday I started feeling disoriented (sp?). I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to eat,cry, and think about babies. It's hard for me to get things done.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

i am going to see a therapist tomorrow.

today i had very little emotions. i was more productive today than i've been in a looooong time. did dishes, did laundry, vacuumed, organized, got dinner....

i talked a lot on the phone to friends and family.

my body feels like it's old self, and this feels good to me.

there is hope.......


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hi ladies. Yes, I know, I've been mia for over a month now. I've just been...ugh....can't explain it. Some of you know that I had some testing done and an appointment with a Peri and it all came back fine. I'm fine. Well....I don't feel quite fine thankyouverymuch! We went ahead and had dh and I both give blood for dna/chromosomal testing but the Peri doesn't think it will bring much results as we have two previous healthy ( and beautiful ) children. They could do a uterus scan, but since I have had two cesearans, and they have SEEN my uterus, they know everything is okay, there aren't two of them, it's not tilted, nothing, she doesn't see the point.

So dh and I had a heart to heart, and man, it feels like that is all we have done this year....and said we are taking a break. I feel like I need a break emotionally and physically from being pregnant. I got pregnant in Sept. 2006, and with 2 months off I had been constantly pregnant until Nov. 2007. I asked him if he was done ttc, and he said that he doesn't want to say never, but this is just too much, too hard, to awful. I get that. And I told him how I hate that I feel empty inside when I have SO much. I'm not ungrateful, I'm not. I just feel like this little soul is trying to find his or her way to me and they just can't. I feel like if I stop ttc that I will be locking this soul out, and I can't do that. A few days later he said that he thinks that maybe we can try ONE more time, in a few months...but not now. I'm fine with that.

Hugs and love to everyone here...I wish you weren't here.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

HB2k8 - do your best to get out of bed. Take a shower. Eat some food. Even if you don't want to. Maybe get outside and go for a walk, even if it is cold. Force yourself to do "normal" things, even if you are just going through the actions. It will be hard to get things done for some time, just keep trying.

Leobabe- Distraction helps a whole bunch, yes, there is hope.

Heather- ((HUGS))- so glad to see you post. I've been thinking about you. I'm sorry the doctors can not find anything wrong. I know you are frustrated, tired, and just sad. I've been pregnant since August 2006, so I'm with you on that one. Pregnancy takes a lot out of you and out of the family also. I agree that it is too hard, too awful and that nobody should have to feel the pain you are experiencing. Empty inside, yes. Like your family is not complete. I agree, I feel the same way. I don't know what to do about it but for some reason there is still hope left within me. I think you will also feel hope too, in time. Happy 3rd Birthday to Carlee. My DS, Eli, just turned 3 too on Jan. 15. I hope you will remain around...lurking. ((HUGS)) my friend


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## momma2be (Aug 15, 2006)

my story (hopefully the short version):
we were actively trying to prevent conceiving. when i found out we were pregnant, i wasn't thrilled, i was scared that i wouldn't be able to be a good mom to dd. i was scared that our relationship would suffer, that she wouldn't be able to continue nursing, i don't know what all i was afraid of.
and then i was so excited, so happy, bursting! - i couldn't wait to meet her. it seemed like too long to wait. and then we lost her. i've felt guilty and ashamed and just plain awful. but it's getting better. i'm able to focus on work and family, and i can go all day without crying.

now:
i want her back. i know she's waiting for me to let her come back. but i'm just two months (or less) away from leaving my job and becoming a full-time SAHM. we can't afford another baby right now. i'm choosing between SAHMing with dd or WOHMing to afford having her. i know she'll wait for me. she's more patient than i am!

i'm not much of a poster, but really felt like getting this out. thanks for listening.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Lurking lately, not wanting to be here if I don't HAVE too.But







I do.Still no period.I'm getting nervous.I took a test a week ago, neg.







But I'm going to be very nervous until I have a regular cycle back.Making an apt today with a NDgyn.An hour drive away...she's worth it.I'm almost out of vitamins, and I can feel myself slipping.I had a major head fog day yesterday.Thinking of an IUD.If I'm not already pregnant.If I am, dh is getting a vasectomy so we don't have to think of it after baby 5.BLEACH>>>>

I keep comming up with great plans...There may very well be no truth to any of them.Life is too sensetive for plans.









Thinking of all of you.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

KR spirit - Hi, glad to see you post, check us out on the febuary thread

momma2be - I don't think anyone saw your post because a new thread was started for Feb. Check us out over there is you want.


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