# How to say "Please buy off the registry cause I REALLY need it"?



## jennmiller (Jun 28, 2005)

I really do not enjoy being the center of attention, and would much prefer to skip any kind of shower at all. Unfortunately, though, some outrageous medical expenses that are not going to go away for a few years have forced us to ask for help buying some things we truly need for this baby. Without help from others we simply wouldn't be able to afford the things that we need. So, I made a registry at MyRegistry.com and only added the things that I really, really, need and can't afford. Not one single cutsie or extravagant item. We're talking carseat, cloth diapers, mama pads and perineal ointment here. I can make a welcome page for the registry with a picture and a message. Now, I know a lot of people have an aversion to bluntly asking for gifts at a shower, but I wouldn't be having the shower if I didn't need this stuff. I've always felt like honesty is the best policy. So I'd really like to be straight with people and say something to the effect of "We can't afford this stuff, but we really, truly need it. Thanks for buying off our registry and lightening our stress load so we can focus on our growing family." Any advice on how I should word this?


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

There is no polite way to tell people what gift to buy you.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I agree with the pp - I don't think there is any polite way to tell people what to buy you. A gift is a gift and they get to choose what they give to you.

Do you maybe have a family member or close friend who you could get to help spread the word? That's the only way I see it working .. like if your Mom or someone could tell a few people how much you need x,y,z off your registry. Otherwise, I think it would come across as pretty rude since no one is obligated to buy you anything, kwim?


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## gardenmommy (Nov 23, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
There is no polite way to tell people what gift to buy you.

What she said. However, if there is someone close to you (your mom, best friend, etc.) who is attending or throwing the shower, I see nothing wrong with telling *them* (in casual conversation, not making a big deal about it) how much you really need those items, or how much you would really appreciate people buying off your registry.


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## jeannineb (Oct 17, 2005)

I would ask whomever is throwing the shower for you to help get the word out. Maybe they could put a note in the invite or something.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeannineb* 
I would ask whomever is throwing the shower for you to help get the word out. Maybe they could put a note in the invite or something.









I know how you feel OP. I hate the dishonesty associated with gift giving. Especially at baby showers. The only thing people seem to want to buy is cute little outfits. So you end up with loads of clothes, and nothing else. And here I thought that giving a gift was for the benefit of the person receiving the gift, not giving it??? Apparently that isn't a very wide spread theory, so I would agree to talk to the person throwing you the shower. I think it would be fine for them to say something about how much you guys need the things that are on the registry. Some people will call in advance (either you or the person throwing the shower) to ask what you need. In that case you can direct them to the registry.


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## Peace+Hope (Jul 6, 2009)

i disagree w/ PPs who say it's not polite. i think if you need to, people could understand that you'd ask them to really consider giving only what you've specified. to me, that is sincerity, not being rude or demanding.

i used myregistry.com too! and i ONLY registered for stuff i NEED.

what i did to help my case, was select the cash gift option, which shows up as the top item on the registry. i wrote a note in the cash gift details, thanking everyone for visiting the registry and supporting our family. i explained that we were only registering for a few things we really need, and that if they could not find anything there they wanted to get, they could contribute a small dollar amount (i think i suggested $10 or $20) towards the larger items to help us make sure we could get those ourselves.

i also agree w/ one PP who said if someone else is planning a shower, ask them to emphasize this for you. or even encourage them to say something like, please select a needed gift from the registry or join in to contribute to some of the larger items X really needs! they could even say they would track monies given and present the BIG item(s) at the shower, highlighting everyone who contributed. (i did a cyber shower for my sister specifically to gather money from close family and friends for one big item)

all VERY positive, thankful language.


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## MiaMama (Jul 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
There is no polite way to tell people what gift to buy you.

If this is the case, then it seems that showers and especially registries are inherently rude.

OP, I think that what you said is fine, honest and not rude. You are thanking people for helping you. If you said "if you can't bother to buy off this registry, then you should just stay home," then THAT would be rude.


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## lrgs (Jan 21, 2009)

Honestly........I know some people find this rude (asking specifically for what you need) but I wouldn't bat an eye at it. When I'm buying gifts for people I really prefer to get them something they trully need (especially if they are in the situation of need as opposed to want). I feel it is the best use of money so I would have no problem with someone specifically asking me for something they need for baby. I'd prefer my money go towards that. So.........I'm wondering if pp's suggestion of having your close friends or family spread the word?


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## lisko15 (Sep 26, 2008)

Personally, I like registries. I did a shower for a friend a year ago, we didn't have her register, and then I had people asking me constantly what she needed - and it was impossible to keep track of what I told people! She was having the a third baby girl (who was a surprise) - and didn't need clothes, but had gotten rid of a lot of baby-stuff. She ended up with a lot of cute baby frilly dresses.

My sister, on the other hand (who helped me do the shower), is VERY against registries.

So to each his own, right?

*I think if you tactfully word that you really need some things, and that's what you've registered for, its fine. Some will be happy to help and follow the registry, others will still buy clothes.* The person planning the shower, as was posted already, could definitely help out with organizing a "big present chip-in". Those are always nice!

I've had mixed feelings about registering this time around, but I think I'm going to go for it. We've had out-of-town family ask where I'm registered already! I have access to lots of baby boy hand-me-downs, but we have NO BABY stuff - its been 7 years!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I agree that there really is no polite way. Even with a registry, people are going to buy what they want (you know, cute tiny baby clothes and receiving blankets). I think the best way to go about it is expect nothing for your new baby to be given to you (ie figure out a way to get the things you truly need right away, and plan for the rest down the road), that way, if you do get gifts - be it unnecessary or necessary things - you will feel extremely grateful for having receiving anything.

I hope that doesn't sound mean, but I just don't think I would ever count on anyone else buying the essentials like a carseat and your mama cloth. The exception would be someone like your mom or sister that you are super close to - like I know my mom will ask what we truly need the most, b/c she wants to help out with a big ticket item. Otherwise, just registering for what you want, and hoping for the best is all you can do.


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## chattyprincess (Feb 24, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lrgs* 
*Honestly........I know some people find this rude (asking specifically for what you need) but I wouldn't bat an eye at it. When I'm buying gifts for people I really prefer to get them something they trully need (especially if they are in the situation of need as opposed to want)*. I feel it is the best use of money so I would have no problem with someone specifically asking me for something they need for baby. I'd prefer my money go towards that. So.........I'm wondering if pp's suggestion of having your close friends or family spread the word?

OMG YES!!! We live away and so therefore cannot make it to most showers/meet and greet parties. Dh and I are always SO very stressed by buying gifts for people. Even when most people are asked point blank..."We really want to buy you something you need, what do you need the most" they feel guilty and say "oh you know whatever". Irks me off everytime! Then I spend countless hours talking with these peoples friends and families and browsing thier registry....(and seriously I just refuse to buy some of the stuff...a $50 baby mobile to match your crib bedding set is great and all but $50 can buy a whole TON of baby stuff, diapers, wipes and if they are using it formula!)
Are you throwing your own shower? or is a friend/family member? I have attended 2 showers now where it is a "cash shower" where usually before hand the person throwing the shower collects a cash "gift" from all attending party goers and then goes out and buys the actual items the person needs (we have a friend who got her bassinett, highchair, jumper, and a couple other things this way. It worked SO well.) The card said something to the extent of explaining that they were doing this to make the shopping load easier on everyone and to help the mama/papa to get what they really really need. The suggestion was on the card that if you had already got a gift do not feel obligated to give the money.
Honesty is the best policy and I think sitting down and talking with the party thrower is going to be your best bet.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

There's a difference between having a registry and telling people they should buy off of it.

The only time I consult registries is for weddings, and then only to find out china, crystal or silver patterns.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

There is definitely a difference between holding a shower or having a registry and stating exactly what someone should buy.

**********
My experience has been that people generally don't buy from baby registries in my region. I registered for my first baby shower and got almost nothing from the registry, but yah, lots of blankets, cute clothes etc.
Having the host spread the word is a great idea, and about the only way to go. If you must, perhaps you could exchange the gifts you receive but do not need for other items that you do need. There is nothing wrong with doing that.


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

1) I hope you didn't tell the gender because if you did there's a greater chance of you getting a bunch of clothes and gender cutesy things. I didn't get a lot of clothes because people had a hard time finding gender neutral stuff.

2) A lot of people won't even look at your registry. I could tell who looked at mine and who didn't because of all the "will you be breastfeeding" questions when there was a breastpump, breast pads, cream, etc on it. Also, some people prefer to go to the store than to look online at a registry.

3)People are going to buy what they want to buy. The best way to spread your message would perhaps be through word of mouth. Your mom or your host can sort of spread the word in a low key way. That would come off better and might pull at peoples generosity strings whereas you doing it could be seen as a turn off.

4)There's always the option of returning things. Once again, having an in-store registry helps because if you don't get a receipt you can add it to your registry and mark it as purchased in order to return it for store credit.

5) Freecycle


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I agree that there just isn't a polite way. A registry is like a suggestion, and saying "please only buy off the registry" is more of a demand. It's kind of stupid, and I like to get people what they actually need/want rather than what *I* like, but most people just won't accept it, IMO.

I'm the one who bought my friend the diaper pail, and she returned the favor when it was my turn. Thank goodness somebody actually got me something useful. NOBODY bought me cloth diapers even though it was one of the cheapest things on the list. Most people just got onesies and receiving blankets, most of which ended up at the Goodwill because I don't really use either of them. And none of them were on my registry.

Good luck! If you can, put out the word through the coordinator and at least mention it to close friends and family who might be receptive. Or talk up a few items that you REALLY need so people can see how excited/serious you are. Maybe that will help.


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## ~Demeter~ (Jul 22, 2006)

I think it's rude to tell people they can only buy xyz. I typically don't buy off of a registry because many of the things I see on them _I_ feel are unnecessary and often too pricey for my budget. I tend to buy the little things that are usually forgotten and make up a nice little basket.


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## thefreckledmama (Jun 1, 2007)

I think the best way is to have whoever is throwing the shower to spread the word that you registered at xyz store for all the critical essentials you need.

Beyond that, there's not much else you can do, because as people have said, people will get you whatever they get you.

My husband's aunts are notorious for going and getting the cheapest/most generic gift that is appropriate for a given shower/occasion, and never look at registries. It's no secret that they're going for the food and gossip, and beyond that they honestly don't care about who or why the shower is being given. (They have even been known to walk in and when none of the food or guests appeals to them, turn around and leave







)


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## MommyNicoleTX (Oct 26, 2008)

my opinion is to not mention you even have a registry. i would say for the shower hostess to include a note with the invitations to say this "in lue of gifts, please consider cash or gift cards for the happy family." then at the shower have a "wishing well" or dedicated spot for people to place cards or cash in. if people ask you directly then just be honest and say that you are saving cash to buy some big ticket items like a carseat and would really appreciate the cash.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
There is no polite way to tell people what gift to buy you.

This may be true, BUT, if they are looking at your registry already, I don't see any harm in stating something like what you did in your OP: "These are the items we really, truly need. Thanks for buying off our registry so we can focus on our growing family."


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyNicoleTX* 
my opinion is to not mention you even have a registry. i would say for the shower hostess to include a note with the invitations to say this "in lue of gifts, please consider cash or gift cards for the happy family." then at the shower have a "wishing well" or dedicated spot for people to place cards or cash in. if people ask you directly then just be honest and say that you are saving cash to buy some big ticket items like a carseat and would really appreciate the cash.

Asking for cash and then a wishing well?!?!


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## rhiOrion (Feb 17, 2009)

I've learned recently that any registry questions are going to become quick battle grounds of what is polite and what is not.

But- you obviously know your guests better than we do, and therefore I think you know how it would be received to ask what you're asking.

I say that the invite should just say the typical "Mom and dad to be are registered at myregistry.com"

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."

Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most









Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

Hmmm am also planning my shower. Looks like my best bet is to make a registry with lots of onesies and blankets. LOL.

I've never registered for anything in my life, so I was confused when I read that people often didn't buy off the registry. Then why do we have them? It's like a bizarro part of the social construct. You're supposed to make one, so you think it out, but not actually expect people to buy off it. I'd rather just not make the damn thing LOL, but my mom wouldn't have that.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hannah32* 
Hmmm am also planning my shower. Looks like my best bet is to make a registry with lots of onesies and blankets. LOL.

I've never registered for anything in my life, so I was confused when I read that people often didn't buy off the registry. Then why do we have them? It's like a bizarro part of the social construct. You're supposed to make one, so you think it out, but not actually expect people to buy off it. I'd rather just not make the damn thing LOL, but my mom wouldn't have that.

In my experience, people around here don't use them because no one buys from them.
One reason people will use them is because the store will offer an incentive like if the items aren't purchased by others, you can buy them for a small discount yourself after the shower. Or, you get a free gift as incentive to register.


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## ivymae (Nov 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiOrion* 

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

*"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."*

Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most









Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!

Well worded Rhi.

And OP, do what you can to encourage people to look at the registry, but accept that many people will not. Remember that places like Walmart often take return items without a receipt, as long as they carry the item. There's also craigslist, if you receive items that you just can't use, but can not return for store credit. Once a gift is given, it is yours to decide what to do with just as if you had bought it, so don't feel obligated to keep the things you are given that will just clutter your life/home. Be sincerely thankful to the giver, but if the item itself is not useful, don't feel guilty exchanging it for what you Do need.


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## jennmiller (Jun 28, 2005)

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! My MIL has agreed to host for me and it sounds like we'll probably do a BBQ in the park near my house. It's going to be really casual and I think I'll run the PP's suggestion of having a cash shower by my MIL. I think she'll probably be on board. I know that idea would be out of the question for some, but honestly I think it would work for us. I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower? What's more, we truly, truly can't afford the things that we NEED. I buy used or accept hand-me-downs whenever possible, but some things need to be new and I just can't afford them and we won't be able to afford them for several years so trying to budget for them down the road is out of the question. I need help. Plus, if we do a cash shower then no one brings gifts. There's no big scene around opening them (which I really dislike) and we get the things that we actually need. Sounds like a winner to me! Now all I have to do is figure out what the heck we're going to do at a shower where I don't spend the entire time opening gifts! Sounds a lot more like a blessingway to me, which is what I wanted anyway.


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## naturegirl419 (Oct 28, 2008)

I really wanted people to buy cloth diapers off my registry but knew most wouldn't unless we somehow hinted at it. My sister, who sent out invites for my shower, wrote a cute little poem:

If unsure what to get for mother,
Help keep baby's bottom covered.
To make cloth work, this girl needs tons
Of eco-friendly FuzziBunz.

People actually loved it and I got more cloth diapers than I registered for! I think if you do something like this and keep it light, people will get the hint but not feel too pressured.

Good luck!


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## HaikuMommy (Jan 4, 2010)

Here's what I did... instead of telling them what to buy for me, I told them what NOT to buy for me. That seemed more polite and acceptable to me. So I registered for all the things I needed, then on the shower invitation where I listed the registry, I put a statement that said, "Please NO baby clothes or toys -- we've already got more than enough of these items. Thank you!"

But it didn't matter -- people will give you whatever they want to give you. Probably half the people who attended ignored the registry and bought baby clothes or toys, because they are cute and fun to buy. My guess is maybe one or two people were swayed by that request from buying baby clothes/toys and instead bought something from the registry, but that's it. I was pretty disappointed because we didn't have money to buy some of the things we really needed. But we ended up buying used items from Craigslist and it all worked out.

It has definitely made me more sensitive to only buying items off registries for baby showers and weddings! In the past I tended to buy one small thing from the registry and one cute little outfit or something fun I picked out myself. Not anymore! It's registry all the way now.

P.S. My sister organized my shower and did a raffle where if you brought baby diapers to the shower, you were entered to win a gift basket. Most people brought a gift plus some diapers, so that was very helpful.


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## jennmiller (Jun 28, 2005)

Ooooh! I could raffle off a gift basket for everyone who bought a cloth diaper. That's a great idea! Thanks!


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## Greenmama2AJ (Jan 10, 2008)

The real reason people buy onesies and blankets is because they can't afford to buy the items on your registry - or they dont _want_ to spend the money on your registry. People would much prefer to buy you a cute outfit as a gesture, than some bottle nipples and baby wipes. Just take this into account and don't buy any clothes or blankets yourself.

Either way, I think its rude and greedy to have the attitude of 'this is what I "need" - please buy it for me". The people who matter in your life won't need a baby registry, you'll be able to tell them straight out what you need and they'll spend the money. If your not close enough to talk to a person - then really you only deserve a onesie!

I didn't have an official baby shower for this very reason - I think the idea of a first time mom dictating what she needs and then expecting everyone to pick off a specified list greedy. People still gave us many, many gifts and I had more than what a little baby needs in the end.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennmiller* 
I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower?

Well, at least you are honest and not pretending that the shower is about celebrating an upcoming new life.


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## rhiOrion (Feb 17, 2009)

Here's my thing. Everyone keeps saying it's greedy.

It *is* greedy.

And this is one of the few times in my life where I feel completely comfortable being a consumeristic greedy pig.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

I'd also say that at least where I live, it is very uncommon to have a baby shower for anything but the first pregnancy.
We have Blessingways. I have one coming up along with some other pregnant mamas, and it's just a large group of women bringing something to eat and a bead for a birth necklace. Couldn't (and wouldn't) ask for anything more







.


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## <<<Scarlet>>> (May 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HisBeautifulWife* 
Asking for cash and then a wishing well?!?!










I read this as asking for cash, then having the wishing well as the spot to put the cards (cash inside).... Did I get that wrong??


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## thegreenbeagle (Dec 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Demeter~* 
I think it's rude to tell people they can only buy xyz. I typically don't buy off of a registry because many of the things I see on them _I_ feel are unnecessary and often too pricey for my budget. I tend to buy the little things that are usually forgotten and make up a nice little basket.

This is me too. Another thing is that in my family, well actually DH's side, they like going to a store. They don't shop online. I made a registry at BRU because of this, hoping that then I might get some things that we needed or we liked. I also did register for some things that were cute and I liked... I figured some people might want to buy a really cute outfit and having a couple on the registry would give them an idea of the type of thing I liked. I honestly don't know how I would feel about going to a shower where you were asked to just give $ towards the big items.

Freecycle and Craigslist are great too!


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## <<<Scarlet>>> (May 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Well, at least you are honest and not pretending that the shower is about celebrating an upcoming new life.

That is the ONLY reason I had my shower....
I had one with my first....
with this baby, I am in a different relationship and my DP's mother is over the moon with excitement and WANTED SOOO badly to throw a shower, so because the point (to me) of a shower is to celebrate the new baby I agreed, even though I held the 'shower for first baby only' belief.

Like many other people, I received NOTHING off my registry. Even after everyone asking what I needed !!!!.... I even made a point to register for EVERYTHING under $10 to avoid the 'its too expensive' problem.... I don't think people even looked....

We have everything we need. So not receiving these items wasn't a problem, Now I just have an abundance of bibs (that i've never used for my previous kids), disposable diapers (even though it was known i'm cloth diapering), paci's (that I never give my kids), ect....

My friends that came brought nothing.... I told them that I needed nothing, and they knew I wasn't kidding. Their presence meant the world....


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## possum (Nov 23, 2004)

Baby registries are rather new things. I think a lot of people don't expect them like they do wedding registries. Even with wedding registries, people are only making suggestions. I think it is really inappropriate to further suggest that people buy certain things for you (the general you).
I agree that the main purpose of a shower is to celebrate a new life and community member. Gifts are a way to honor that occasion, and lots of people don't feel like necessities are *real* gifts. Just as some people wouldn't feel right buying socks and undies for Christmas, others won't feel comfortable buying mama pads and CDs for a baby shower (although I would LOVE to receive any of these at a gift giving occasion).
Certainly do pass on through your shower hostess that you would like the things on your registry.
I agree with PPs that it is appropriate to go ahead and make plans to provide your own necessities.


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## Sagesgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MiaMama* 
If this is the case, then it seems that showers and especially registries are inherently rude.

Well, yeah, pretty much. Registries especially, but throwing any party whose very purpose is for people to give you stuff? And where people really _aren't_ (occasional protestations aside) welcome if they don't bring a present? Yeah, rude. "You can come, but you have to give me something" isn't nice, no matter how you slice it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennmiller* 
Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! My MIL has agreed to host for me and it sounds like we'll probably do a BBQ in the park near my house. It's going to be really casual and I think I'll run the PP's suggestion of having a cash shower by my MIL. I think she'll probably be on board. I know that idea would be out of the question for some, but honestly I think it would work for us. I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower? What's more, we truly, truly can't afford the things that we NEED. I buy used or accept hand-me-downs whenever possible, but some things need to be new and I just can't afford them and we won't be able to afford them for several years so trying to budget for them down the road is out of the question. I need help. Plus, if we do a cash shower then no one brings gifts. There's no big scene around opening them (which I really dislike) and we get the things that we actually need. Sounds like a winner to me! Now all I have to do is figure out what the heck we're going to do at a shower where I don't spend the entire time opening gifts! Sounds a lot more like a blessingway to me, which is what I wanted anyway.

To be quite honest with you, there's nothing good in expecting other people will give you the things you need. I mean, I _get_ being poor. I'm poor--even adding in my fiancè's income to the meager amount I get from child support, we're under the federal poverty level for what will be a family of five (let alone a family of six, like we will be once the baby's here). We may have to whittle what we're getting for this baby (new, anyway) _way_ down...but we're not going to ask anyone else to get it for us. Not to put too fine a point on it, the baby and the stuff for it are _our_ responsibility. DF's mother and stepfather are better-set financially, and there's a chance they will be willing to pick up the car seat or the breast pump (the two most expensive must-haves), and I won't hesitate to ask if they offer, but if they don't offer it falls back to us, and that's fine. The people who would be asked to a baby shower--not that I expect to have one--surely aren't people who are close enough to me for me to ever feel comfortable demanding they provide for my child (let alone for _me_, postpartum).

As others have said, the people you are really close to are going to ask what you need. Feel free to tell them. But don't expect, say, your partner's Great Aunt Sally to buy anything more than a nice blanket.


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

Ah now I am reconnecting with the reasons why I never liked the ideas of showers anyway. Am actually registering today. I think I will now think of it as my shopping list for the baby, not anyone elses. Showers and registries are obviously a loaded subject for many.


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## mosesface (Jul 25, 2006)

i am always so shocked by these shower threads.

i realize that "manners" are regional/cultural/generational and there is a wide spread of what's right and wrong.

in my region/culture/generation, it is profoundly rude to NOT purchase off the registry (if you plan to give a gift, going giftless to a shower is fine) unless your gift is handmade or some other kind of special, unregisterable item. if you feel absolutely compelled to buy a cute outfit or toy, it usually accompanies something the person has registered for or a gift certificate for the registry.

i view showers as an opportunity to celebrate a new life, the parents, and, as a community, help provide for the many needs of a new baby. just like a wedding, life changes radically, and it is a privilege to be part of a supporting community to help people move into a new season of life.

without knowing what people need, i am just wasting money, regardless of my good wishes.

ETA: to the OP, i really liked the way you worded your request in the first post. the people who are coming to your shower and plan to bring a gift care enough about you to know your family is struggling. i would not hesitate to express your true need or have your MIL express that to invitees for you. it's not greedy when people are OFFERING. most shower guests come offering something and will spend their money in some way.


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## Sagesgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hannah32* 
Ah now I am reconnecting with the reasons why I never liked the ideas of showers anyway. Am actually registering today. I think I will now think of it as my shopping list for the baby, not anyone elses. Showers and registries are obviously a loaded subject for many.

That's the only reason I ever registered (which the ex & I did with the first baby). To use it as a shopping list. I don't think I even told anyone about it.


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## Sagesgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mosesface* 
i am always so shocked by these shower threads.

i realize that "manners" are regional/cultural/generational and there is a wide spread of what's right and wrong.

in my region/culture/generation, it is profoundly rude to NOT purchase off the registry (if you plan to give a gift, going giftless to a shower is fine) unless your gift is handmade or some other kind of special, unregisterable item.

No one has said buying off the registry is rude. What has been called rude is the demand/expectation that people will ONLY buy off the registry, and/or that you should expect someone else to buy you your baby's necessities. If people want to, then great! But it is profoundly rude to imply that people can _only_ buy you certain things.


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## dachshund mom (Dec 28, 2007)

I made a small registry, but my favorite gifts were things I didn't even know I needed. My SIL with three LOs gave me mylicon drops and butt paste. A cousin with a new baby gave me a swaddle blanket. This is why showers are intended for first time moms, imo. I needed blankets and onsies.

Yeah I got a ton of pacifiers, washcloths, and bibs. I returned what I could and regifted some. Not knowing the gender kept the clothes to a minimum.


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## jennmiller (Jun 28, 2005)

I didn't realize this issue was so loaded! Again, I'm just being honest here, I don't see showers of any kind (bridal or baby) to be about celebrating the event at all. They're about the stuff. That's why you spend nearly the entire time at them opening gifts. What I wanted to truly celebrate the arrival of this baby was a blessingway. To me, that's the real celebration. Anyone who really knows me knows that I have never liked receiving gifts and my values are highly skewed towards the "less is more" philosophy. That's why my friends and family would never just send a gift for the baby. If I waited for people to offer to help it would probably never come. I need to expressly ask for what I need. That's why I had to ask for a shower, which by the way is going to be a picnic in the park. Anyway, I completely understand why some people view my original request as greedy and your comments don't upset me in the least. I'm hoping that I can ask for what I need in a kind but honest tone. Think I've done that with my original statement?


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## artemis33 (Jan 5, 2006)

I really LOVE the idea of having a gift basket raffle as an incentive to provide something like cloth diapers. I think that is a nice way to keep it light but still steer people toward something they may not be inclined to buy otherwise.

I have to say the 'cash shower' idea does bother me some. Only you know though how your family and friends would respond to that - and I truly understand the reasoning - but for many people, part of the fun of the shower is to oooh and aaah over the gifts, yk? The other thing is, I think some people may just decide not to come because it ends up placing an emphasis on the 'amount' of the gift. People who can only afford to spend $10 or $20 may feel much more self conscious about this and not want to participate if they are actually handing over the bills rather than choosing a gift the best they can and wrapping it nicely, etc. Just something to consider.

I think the best way to handle it is to have a registry and put a note on the registry itself about these being most needed items. Also, discussing this with anyone you feel close enough too that can maybe help guide others toward this.

One more thing.....if you do end up with a bunch of things you won't use, besides trying to return them for store credit or donating them, you can also take them to a consignment store for credit toward some items you need now or a few months down the road.


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## Lauren31 (Feb 25, 2008)

I had a "cash requested" baby shower back home and people did not think it was rude.







The reason I did it though was bc we were moving to Germany and the army had already packed up our household goods so we could not really take a lot of baby items overseas on an airplane, ykwim? People still expected that I open their cards though which was super awkward for me bc random money would come out and I just felt kinda rude hahaha. People like to be acknowledged in person so if you do that shower people might want you to open the cards, just an FYI.


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## kitkatkaddoodle (Apr 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennmiller* 
I didn't realize this issue was so loaded! Again, I'm just being honest here, I don't see showers of any kind (bridal or baby) to be about celebrating the event at all. They're about the stuff. That's why you spend nearly the entire time at them opening gifts.

While it's true that showers tend to emphasize the gift/present aspect of the party more than other kinds of celebrations, traditionally showers were thrown by close family or friends, not the parents-to-be, and it was still up to the guests' discretion about what to bring. I have to say, if I were asked to attend a shower but told it was not really the "REAL" celebration to acknowledge the mom to be and baby, and then _specifically_ told what to gifts to buy instead of a registry as a guideline, I'd be taken aback, and I might assume the only reason I was invited to such a shower was for my monetary contribution, not my friendship. I'd almost rather be asked for the money straight out.

However, every community is different, so you'll have to gauge how your circle of family and friends would feel. I can only tell you how it would probably appear to me and mine.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I could have totally passed on a shower. I wasn't at all interested in having a party JUST to receive gifts. It's kind of foisted on you by other people. My mom and sister threw it for me (it's bad manners to throw it for yourself, right?). So whether it's rude or not to have a party asking for gifts, it's a cultural norm here. So if you're going to do it, why not at least do it right? Ask for what you need.

I would much rather have had a celebrating the baby party, but that's not what people have in mind when they're planning it, I guess. Thank goodness the second time around we can avoid the whole thing.


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## jennmiller (Jun 28, 2005)

I just talked to my MIL who is hosting the shower and here's the final decision: We're going to have a "picnic in the park" shower at the beautiful park near my house. Kids and dads will be welcome. We'll serve a few different kinds of sandwiches, veggies, fruit, salads and cupcakes. As a way to encourage people to buy from the registry, we're going to include a line on the invitation that will say something to the effect of "Buy an item from the registry and enter into a drawing to receive a pedicure at _____ spa." In a few of the invitations I will include a separate insert inviting that person to a brief blessingway ceremony that will take place at my home about an hour before the shower. This way I get to have the best of both kinds of celebrations. Thanks for all the input. I fell really good about our decision.


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## guerrabug45 (Dec 30, 2009)

I grew up in Europe where "baby showers" are not the norm. I guess I was totally thrown by the baby shower culture. I always assumed it was a party for the gifts, which I am totally cool with. If giving gifts is the point of the party shouldn't the gifts be what the parents actually need?

I feel for you...with this baby I know he doesn't need much, but I will need some cloth diapers and if people are going to spend money I really wish it was for something I will actually use.

I agree about having the party hostess spread the word. Are party attendees aware of your financial situation or is it private?


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## HaikuMommy (Jan 4, 2010)

I agree with mosesface and I'm surprised at some of the comments here.

Having a shower and registry isn't rude, it is practical. Especially when a woman is about to give birth and doesn't have the energy/time to be running around exchanging the bibs, pacifiers, and onesies she got too many of. Newborn clothes are grown out of so quickly and yet everyone wants to buy them because they're tiny and adorable. Not to mention getting three diaper bags and four bathtubs, so poor tired mama has to go exchange them at 5 different stores. Now THAT is rude. That is why baby registries were invented -- so you could see what was already bought and what was still needed by baby.

I think a gift that truly comes from the heart is one where you KNOW the receiver wants it, because they have either said so (registry or otherwise) or because you know them well enough to know for sure. Wouldn't you hate it if your husband gave you beer mugs with his favorite team on them, instead of the foot massager you wanted for your birthday? It's rude to give someone what YOU want to give them instead of what THEY have expressed a desire for.

As an example, one Christmas my ex-husband got a holiday bonus at the last minute and ran out and bought me around 10 gifts that were very impersonal and rushed on Christmas Eve. I was not happy about it for several reasons: these were not gifts I wanted and were not my taste. (Ugly costume jewelry, unattractive clothes in the wrong size, etc.) Also, he had three kids from a previous marriage who we had been unable to buy many gifts for, and so Christmas morning when they were over, they each opened their few small gifts and then got to sit around watching me open a dozen things I would never even want. It was horrible! Especially since my ex sat there grinning, so happy with himself that he had managed to "spoil" me with presents. It felt so yucky! If he had bought me ONE thing I had expressed a desire for -- and spent the bonus money on his kids instead since I had said over and over I wished we could do more for them -- it would have been so much more loving.

As I said, baby showers have a practical purpose as well as being a celebration. There is nothing wrong with that! (I totally agree that most items on the registry should be affordable, though -- asking for all big-ticket items IS greedy.)


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## lrgs (Jan 21, 2009)

OP..............I'm glad you've settled on a way to handle the shower.........best of luck to you and I hope you get those needed items.

Again.....I wouldn't bat an eye at this..........I honestly don't think of it as rude, I think it's practical and as a gift giver I would appreciate knowing what you NEED as opposed to what cute thing I think you might need. I'm spending money on a gift.......I want it to be useful. Gifts are a reality of showers........they are going to be given so why not make the best use of my money and get you something you are going to get a lot of use out of. Seems like win win to me.


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## lunarlady (Jan 4, 2010)

One thing that works very well is having the person organizing the shower talk to people on an individual basis and say something like "they really need a carseat, but are struggling to afford it. We would like to buy it as a group. Would you like to contribute?" That way people can put that $10 or $20 together to buy you the things you really need. If they get enough for one item, they can make it two "they really need a carseat and a stoller. Would you like to contribute to that?". Many people like having the pressure of shopping for something removed from them, and they don't have to look at your registry at all.

That being said, I did register for my last baby and most likely will for this one too. What I've found works best is to clearly state what you do not want. For example, I put on my last registry, "Yes, it is a girl, but we really don't want anything pink, and we don't need clothing. The grandmas have that covered! If you want to buy something not listed here, feel free, but please know we prefer wood toys, natural baby care products, breastfeeding supplies, and items that will last for several seasons. Thanks!"

The other suggestion that was invaluable for me was to register not just for baby things, but for things you need as baby grows, like a training potty, training pants, toddler flatware, and sippy cups. That way even if people buy small things off your registry you have leessened the financial burden on yourself for the next few years.

Good luck and I hope your blessingway and shower are both a delight and a success.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
There is no polite way to tell people what gift to buy you.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sagesgirl* 
No one has said buying off the registry is rude. What has been called rude is the demand/expectation that people will ONLY buy off the registry, and/or that you should expect someone else to buy you your baby's necessities. If people want to, then great! But it is profoundly rude to imply that people can _only_ buy you certain things.

Finally. I knew I wasn't nuts. This is what I've been saying. Not that baby showers or registries are bad.


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## HaikuMommy (Jan 4, 2010)

Obviously, it's "nice" for someone to buy you a gift, any gift. It's just much NICER and more selfless for them to buy you something you actually want/need.

Baby items are so personal... they have to do with how you choose to parent (how girly do you like your girl clothes? pacifiers or not? cloth or disposable diapers? plastic toys okay or not?). Personally, I hate branded cartoon characters (elmo, pooh, etc.) on my baby things.

As long as there are many affordable options on a registry, what is the problem? Is it just that people want to have fun shopping for the gift and it's not exciting to buy items that qualify as "necessities"? I really don't understand that mentality.

To me, the gift I give is all about the baby and the new mama, not about me.


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

I totally agree with Drummer's Wife. You should expect nothing and be grateful for all that you are given. That way you're not disappointed.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I agree that there really is no polite way. Even with a registry, people are going to buy what they want (you know, cute tiny baby clothes and receiving blankets). I think the best way to go about it is expect nothing for your new baby to be given to you (ie figure out a way to get the things you truly need right away, and plan for the rest down the road), that way, if you do get gifts - be it unnecessary or necessary things - you will feel extremely grateful for having receiving anything.

I hope that doesn't sound mean, but I just don't think I would ever count on anyone else buying the essentials like a carseat and your mama cloth. The exception would be someone like your mom or sister that you are super close to - like I know my mom will ask what we truly need the most, b/c she wants to help out with a big ticket item. Otherwise, just registering for what you want, and hoping for the best is all you can do.


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## MommyNicoleTX (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennmiller* 
I think I'll run the PP's suggestion of having a cash shower by my MIL. I think she'll probably be on board. I know that idea would be out of the question for some, but honestly I think it would work for us. I mean, what is the purpose of a shower if it isn't to get the things that you need? I'm not at all trying to be rude here. Seriously. What other point is there to a shower? What's more, we truly, truly can't afford the things that we NEED. Sounds a lot more like a blessingway to me, which is what I wanted anyway.

exactly! I was hoping I was being helpful. It's really not a "jaw dropping" thing in my area (and I'm from the south where ettiquete can sometimes come before needs). You have needs, you're being polite, you're saving people the hassel of shopping--sounds like a good plan to me. Anyways even if someone thinks it's inappropriate, You do what ya gotta do for the best of the baby, put peoples feelings last. it's your shower-the don't have to come!!

Ps. Glad I didn't mention a money tree! We do that in my area a lot too. That would have been a double jaw dropper. LOL


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## MommyNicoleTX (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<<<Scarlet>>>* 
I read this as asking for cash, then having the wishing well as the spot to put the cards (cash inside).... Did I get that wrong??

Yes, the wishing well is basically a decorated box to discretely slip your card Or a sweet note Or cash into. Totally common here and not considered rude at all. I'm shrugging my shoulders here... I guess it's not common in other regions!


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HaikuMommy* 
Obviously, it's "nice" for someone to buy you a gift, any gift. It's just much NICER and more selfless for them to buy you something you actually want/need.

Baby items are so personal... they have to do with how you choose to parent (how girly do you like your girl clothes? pacifiers or not? cloth or disposable diapers? plastic toys okay or not?). Personally, I hate branded cartoon characters (elmo, pooh, etc.) on my baby things.

As long as there are many affordable options on a registry, what is the problem? Is it just that people want to have fun shopping for the gift and it's not exciting to buy items that qualify as "necessities"? I really don't understand that mentality.

To me, the gift I give is all about the baby and the new mama, not about me.

It'd be nice if someone paid all of my bills, too. Bought me a house while they were at it. The bottom line is that even though there are "affordable" options on the list, they still do not have to buy them or anything for that matter. And as it has been mentioned: No expectations, no disappointments. Buy the things you say you need and whatever else is a blessing and extra.

Just a thought.


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## kitkatkaddoodle (Apr 24, 2008)

I'm glad you've figured out something that will work for you, jennmiller. I hope your blessingway/shower is a complete success!

On a different note, what kinds of items do you feel need to be new for a baby? This is pure curiosity and I don't mean anything by it, but there aren't many items I didn't get as hand-me-downs or from yard sales. I did get a new carseat for my first, but I'll be using it again for my second as it won't have expired by then, and I suppose I'd want a new mattress for the crib if it were my first baby. Other than that, though, everything we got was used or could have been gotten used at a reasonable price.


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## HaikuMommy (Jan 4, 2010)

Wow, I guess some people really feel like a gun is to their head when someone asks "please buy off the registry, I really need these items". OP didn't say "Only buy off the registry, and if you don't bring a present don't come".

I'm sure if OP doesn't get the things she needs as shower gifts, she will manage to get them herself. But I see no reason why family and friends couldn't take into account that she has limited resources and be nice enough to buy from her registry instead of buying something she doesn't need. Dang, I want to buy something off her registry right now, just because I'm so turned off by the sentiments I've read on this topic!

P.S. I'm pretty sure house payments and bills aren't on the registry.


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## sarahb918 (Dec 16, 2009)

Honestly, I don't care how you word it, you gotta do what you gotta do. If you are truly in need, I don't think it's rude and I think that the people who are close enough to you to attend your shower will understand that. I do want to point out one thing though......

I saw you post a comment that said "some things just need to be new". If you're only asking for high dollar items (like carseats, cribs, strollers, etc), you might find yourself being gifted items that are used. There is a good chance that someone will look at your registry, see that you need a carseat, and either realize that they can get a carseat cheap at a secondhand store or decide to give you their no-longer-in-use carseat that is who knows how old.

Just wanted to throw that out there


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think anyone is saying it is rude to create a registry (maybe not 100% proper etiquette, but it's acceptable for baby showers), but I don't see why others are surprised by some of the comments on this thread.

This, IMO, is how baby showers work:

- Baby showers are first and formost a celebration of a new life, a day to pamper the new mom-to-be, not just with small gifts, but with love, laughter, cake/food, stories, hugs, congratulations, and excitement.

- Throwing a baby shower for yourself, or asking someone to host one for you, is really not the norm, and there will most definitely be people who think this is innapropriate.

- Gifts at a baby shower, while in general most guests will bring something, are not required, expected, and each one should be received with genuine gratefulness... even if they aren't what one needs/wants/registered for.

- again, registries are acceptable, but etiquette-wise, it's best to let that info travel by word-of-mouth of the host, not those pre-printed cards places like BRU give you to stick in invites. Registries can be thought of as a wish-list, and a way to organize for yourself what you want/need before the baby arrives. Bonus if anything off of it actually gets purchased. It is not rude, IMO, to NOT buy off a registry. A lot of older folks, especially, may prefer not to. Maybe they want to knit a special blanket, or enjoy picking out tiny pink dresses with bloomers - this is okay, and one should be just as grateful as if they had given you cash in a card.

-speaking of cash, I've never heard of a cash shower (diaper shower, yes) so I'm not sure how I would think about one if I were invited to one. If it were a good friend/family member, I'm sure I'd go and "follow the rules", but I'd really have to fight the urge to not pick something darling out at gymboree to include as well.

Not sure why I keep coming back to this thread, and the OP sounds like she's just confused about it all - not necessarily greedy, but needy. I just would hate for her to realize a week before her due date that she does in fact have to find a way to pay for a carseat, mama pads, cloth diapers, etc., b/c maybe she was counting on too much help from her shower. I think that's the issue I have, it's not something one should expect, at all.


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## kitkatkaddoodle (Apr 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HaikuMommy* 
Wow, I guess some people really feel like a gun is to their head when someone asks "please buy off the registry, I really need these items". OP didn't say "Only buy off the registry, and if you don't bring a present don't come".

Actually, it's not that hard to assume she absolutely meant the latter considering the OP's request for a way to pretty much say the "only buy off the registry" part, and her view that showers are for the gifts, so the second is rather implied. It's not a gun to the head, but it's not any stretch at all for the first message to be translated to the second.

The blessingway is obviously the celebration of her impending birth/parenthood, and the shower is just as clearly the gift-giving ceremony for her. I'd never considered them quite so separate before, but that's just from my experiences, not her circumstances.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Drummerswife: I couldn't agree more.


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## JoanCrawford (Jan 15, 2010)

Personally, I'd push for getting a registry gift, especially if it comes down to your finances. I found a poll about this, there's not many answers right now but it seemed appropriate.

http://www.tallyup.com/poll-answer/F...urpri-133.html


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## Peace+Hope (Jul 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennmiller* 
I just talked to my MIL who is hosting the shower and here's the final decision: We're going to have a "picnic in the park" shower at the beautiful park near my house. Kids and dads will be welcome. We'll serve a few different kinds of sandwiches, veggies, fruit, salads and cupcakes. As a way to encourage people to buy from the registry, we're going to include a line on the invitation that will say something to the effect of "Buy an item from the registry and enter into a drawing to receive a pedicure at _____ spa." In a few of the invitations I will include a separate insert inviting that person to a brief blessingway ceremony that will take place at my home about an hour before the shower. This way I get to have the best of both kinds of celebrations. Thanks for all the input. I fell really good about our decision.

awesome! great ideas! i hope you have a wonderful time


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## JoanCrawford (Jan 15, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
Drummerswife: I couldn't agree more.

I was thinking about this more, and realized it reminds me of The Office when Phyllis (or however its spelled







) offers to get pam "A romantic birdhouse" that her neighbor makes. I think it's almost rude to NOT buy off a registry. People can end up getting you things you don't need, and it's really a waste.


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## Loving1 (Feb 4, 2010)

I once hosted a shower for someone who later complained about all the stuff she still had to buy herself because people did not buy off the registry. I thought it was incredibly rude because it was as if she put the responsibility for caring for her child on guests who were trying to share in her special moment. I think the best advice given was enjoy the day with minimal expectations and have a plan to buy the things that are absolute necessities.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JoanCrawford* 
I think it's almost rude to NOT buy off a registry. People can end up getting you things you don't need, and it's really a waste.

I couldn't agree with this more.

I've seen so many people mention here how 'rude' it is to ask for what you need. What about how rude it is to buy something that _you_ want to buy with no regard to the needs of the baby and parents?

It reminds me of my ex MIL when DD was born. She _loves_ buying presents, so she always asked what we needed. She asked over and over, "Do you have a crib? Do you need one?" I told her no, we don't need one. It is a big ticket item and the money spent on it would just be wasted since we didn't intend to use the crib. Well, she went ahead and bought a crib anyway. And not a nice regular crib we could have tried using. No. A portable crib that we "could use when we were away from home." I'm sure it was over $100. Never used, not even once. Of course I smiled and said thank you when she gifted it to me, but I had to wonder what possessed her to do that? That type of gift is not for me or DD. It was for _her_, plain and simple.

There are exceptions to buying from the registry, like homemade gifts, something special or useful I forgot to add, or second hand clothing or hand-me-downs. I have a friend who has a girl a year older than DD. At every bday party she brings a gift plus a bag of clothes her DD has outgrown. I tell you, that is probably the best gift ever!!! I love that she was thinking of us, and that she is making the best use out of clothes that may have otherwise been thrown. I just can't wrap my head around the wastefulness associated with showers.

My best friend just had a baby girl. I can't imagine buying her something she wouldn't be able to use. I purposely waited until the last minute to see what all she got off her registry. Than I bought something from the registry that I knew she really wanted/needed but didn't get. I also gave her a box of baby stuff that I had left over from DD. There was plenty of small ticket items on her registry to buy. In fact, I can only think of maybe 3 things that were over $20.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaB21* 
What about how rude it is to buy something that _you_ want to buy with no regard to the needs of the baby and parents?


I would never buy a gift for someone with this attitude. A gift is by definition something that the giver wants to give.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sanguine_speed* 
I would never buy a gift for someone with this attitude. A gift is by definition something that the giver wants to give.

I think most people would agree with you. I guess I just meant that I think a disregard to the registry is also a disregard to what the parents truly want/need. (And I'm not counting the things I mentioned earlier as being obvious exceptions. I don't think it needs to be noted that, "please buy off the registry unless you plan on knitting a blanket". I think the main point is that I find it odd that we need to even be having this conversation. But it is SOOO common to disregard registries, which makes it just as common to be concerned about up coming baby showers with tons of gifts that need to be returned or exchanged.)


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiOrion* 
I've learned recently that any registry questions are going to become quick battle grounds of what is polite and what is not.

But- you obviously know your guests better than we do, and therefore I think you know how it would be received to ask what you're asking.

I say that the invite should just say the typical "Mom and dad to be are registered at myregistry.com"

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

*"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."
*
Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most









Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!

i truly love how you worded the bold.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mosesface* 
i am always so shocked by these shower threads.

i realize that "manners" are regional/cultural/generational and there is a wide spread of what's right and wrong.

in my region/culture/generation, it is profoundly rude to NOT purchase off the registry (if you plan to give a gift, going giftless to a shower is fine) unless your gift is handmade or some other kind of special, unregisterable item. if you feel absolutely compelled to buy a cute outfit or toy, it usually accompanies something the person has registered for or a gift certificate for the registry.

i view showers as an opportunity to celebrate a new life, the parents, and, as a community, help provide for the many needs of a new baby. just like a wedding, life changes radically, and it is a privilege to be part of a supporting community to help people move into a new season of life.

without knowing what people need, i am just wasting money, regardless of my good wishes.

ETA: to the OP, i really liked the way you worded your request in the first post. the people who are coming to your shower and plan to bring a gift care enough about you to know your family is struggling. i would not hesitate to express your true need or have your MIL express that to invitees for you. it's not greedy when people are OFFERING. most shower guests come offering something and will spend their money in some way.

i am totally with you! i think it is rude to NOT buy off the registry if you know about it! i know that anything i buy off the registry is a wanted idem and will be used. i am sometimes socked at how far PC can go.

i have no kiddos of my own so i can only speak about being a gift giver. i hate when people dont have a registry. i would not be put off by the (bold) above. i think its greedy to be a selfish gift giver too!

i think the greedy rant can go both ways. it just depends what side you are on. when i buy a gift i want to know they are truly going to help and not just be cute.

if you can afford anything off the registry then do a gift card for what you can afford.

maybe i am off my rocker, but i like to give gifts that i know people want. and in cases like baby showers and the such i would like to think people would want to give me gifts that they know i would want. i also like to think that i am a VERY thankful, not greedy person! with that said that is why i feel the same way when i give a gift.


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## Ola_ (Sep 5, 2008)

I have to say I always, always buy stuff off the registry (whether it be baby, wedding, or whatever). I figure these are items that the person has already decided they want/need so it will make them happy. On rare ocassion we've given money if we knew from the individuals that they are really strapped for cash.

But I have to say, if I got an invite that said "please only buy off our registry" I'd be really put off. And you don't need to say where the registry is, I'll find out (and people who don't find out probably weren't going to buy off the registry anyway). I think putting a note like what rhiOrion suggested (quoted above) for when they actually get to your registry.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ola_* 
But I have to say, if I got an invite that said "please only buy off our registry" I'd be really put off. And you don't need to say where the registry is, I'll find out (and people who don't find out probably weren't going to buy off the registry anyway). I think putting a note like what rhiOrion suggested (quoted above) for when they actually get to your registry.

Just curious here, how would you find out? Would you seriously contact every store that carries baby items to find out if they've registered? Or would you just ask the mom, or person throwing the shower? See I would just think that would be putting my guests through a lot of hassle when it is simple to just say 'registered at target'. In fact, a lot of pre purchased shower invites have a special spot to add where you have registered. I can understand the point of view of not saying, "please buy from my registry" (even though I don't totally agree with it). But not even including that your registered? I've never heard of that. Am I reading your post wrong?

Also, I think this depends on your guests as well. When I had DD I was only 20-21. Some of the guests were childless 20 year olds. They probably had no idea what to buy and were happy to have something to go on.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I think it would be super easy to ask the host when you RSVP if the mom-to-be is registered anywhere or needs anything in particular.

Did you all read the post in TAO about a baby shower? The OP was asking what she should buy, b/c items in her price range on the registry were bottles and crib sheets - which are not the funnest things to purchase (nor are they exactly AP, right?). It's similar in that, maybe those are the exact things that mom-to-be is needing. She got good suggestions of doing a combo of something off the registry, and something different... just saying, there really is no right or wrong way to buy a gift for a baby shower. You can buy off the registry if you feel like it, or not. The thing is, a gift is a gift is a gift. The recipient should be grateful for anything given.


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## Kikelet (Jun 21, 2007)

I think the OP is clearly not the kind of mama who is expecting people to provide for her family and would be really upset if people don't do as she wishes.. What I hear her saying is that they could really use a few things and she wants to find a polite way to ask people for them. I think in her situation, having a shower is a nice way to help cushion the impact of her medical situation, and she's not being ridiculous or selfish for assuming that she might receive items at the baby shower. Most Americans associate baby showers with gift giving and celebrating the new baby, making the family feel special and supported. If showers are for the guests to buy whatever they think the mom and baby need, how does that help the mom or the baby in the event that the mother is breastfeeding or co-sleeping and she ends up with a billion bottles and a crib set? I'm sure most women would be very appreciative of their gifts either way, but what if you have a small house and no where to put this crib and you really need to just take it back..? I hear the OP saying that she really just needs a few things and is looking for advice about how to word it.

My suggestion is to write something along the lines of: Baby needs very little, but here is where we are registered if you would like to help with the things mom & dad could use the most! I just sort of came up with that, but if I were to read it I would think it was practical and thoughtful without sounding rude at all.

Please don't get caught up in feeling like you're being selfish for asking for what you need. I think your friends and family will hopefully know you better than to think that of you, and will genuinely want to do something sweet for baby. If you get things you can't use, you can take them back. I got duplicates and so much pink stuff without receipts and I just went with it. I tried to find ways of using the gift cards from the returns for things we needed and it mostly worked out!


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## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovebug* 
i think the greedy rant can go both ways. it just depends what side you are on. when i buy a gift i want to know they are truly going to help and not just be cute.

i


My mom used to always spend her money on things we didn't want or need but she thought was nice. For a long time I just smiled and nodded. Finally I told her the truth. We live in a small city apartment and her gifts although appreciated were a burden to us, not a blessing. It wasn't an easy thing to say or hear, but we have both benefited greatly from that conversation. She now asks about her gift ideas, her spending has greatly decreased (meaning more of her money is going into her savings







), and the handful of things we get from her are a true blessing - beautiful to me and beneficial. I also try to buy off the registry or I ask about an idea I have and will only purchase the idea if it gets a thumbs up.
Resources are precious for so many, why not use them wisely?


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## reneeisorym (Oct 24, 2007)

Quote:

I have attended 2 showers now where it is a "cash shower" where usually before hand the person throwing the shower collects a cash "gift" from all attending party goers and then goes out and buys the actual items the person needs (we have a friend who got her bassinett, highchair, jumper, and a couple other things this way. It worked SO well.) The card said something to the extent of explaining that they were doing this to make the shopping load easier on everyone and to help the mama/papa to get what they really really need. The suggestion was on the card that if you had already got a gift do not feel obligated to give the money.
I know you've decided but this sounds like the best idea posted. I imagine that etiquette is different in different areas. I just really liked this idea.


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## DeChRi (Apr 19, 2002)

Glad you decided on a way to handle it! I think, personally, that a lot would depend on those attending the shower. If it was mostly close friends and family that I knew well, and I really was in need (been there) I would be fine putting a gentle suggestion on the invite. My last shower was thrown by a friend and invited the ladies from my DHs office, some of my coworkers at the time, friends, etc. I would not have been comfortable asking to that group.


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## Ola_ (Sep 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaB21* 
Just curious here, how would you find out? Would you seriously contact every store that carries baby items to find out if they've registered? Or would you just ask the mom, or person throwing the shower? See I would just think that would be putting my guests through a lot of hassle when it is simple to just say 'registered at target'. In fact, a lot of pre purchased shower invites have a special spot to add where you have registered. I can understand the point of view of not saying, "please buy from my registry" (even though I don't totally agree with it). But not even including that your registered? I've never heard of that. Am I reading your post wrong?

Nope, that's exactly what I'm saying. If someone in our circle of family/friends is getting married or having a baby it's an exciting event and the topic of many conversations! We usually find out from the person hosting the shower or the mom/dad/bride/groom's parents (depending on how we know the person).

Around here everyone registers for these kinds of events so it's just a matter of finding out where. And by the time we get the invitation my mom or MIL (if it's a relative) has already found out and it's very easy to get the info. Not a hassle at all, at least not to me.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ola_* 
Nope, that's exactly what I'm saying. If someone in our circle of family/friends is getting married or having a baby it's an exciting event and the topic of many conversations! We usually find out from the person hosting the shower or the mom/dad/bride/groom's parents (depending on how we know the person).

Around here everyone registers for these kinds of events so it's just a matter of finding out where. And by the time we get the invitation my mom or MIL (if it's a relative) has already found out and it's very easy to get the info. Not a hassle at all, at least not to me.

I see. I think it's just different traditions with different groups of people. When I had my baby shower, there was a mixture of family and friends. Some of my friends probably had never even met my mom (the host) so they wouldn't have known to (or been comfortable) calling her for questions about gifts.


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## llwr (Feb 24, 2009)

I HATE showers. It seems so rude that the whole point of them is asking for gifts. I feel better about giving a gift to someone who hasn't asked for it. I do not like being invited to a shower for someone I barely know. And I also don't want to ask people to give me gifts. If they do it because they want to I will gratefully accept, but I want them to give because they want to, not because they were asked.

And yet, I DIDN'T have a problem with OP's ideas.

Maybe there's a difference between needy and greedy?

I mean, I look at a lot of these baby registries and there is so much expensive, unnecessary (IMO) stuff.

I had a problem with BRU for a long time. I felt like was all about stuff babies didn't even need but you were supposed to buy it to be a good parent (I didn't buy into that, but I got the idea that other people did). And I really hated how all the cribs had quilts, bumpers.... Those aren't even safe. FWIW, I also have a problem with the wedding industry...

I don't think this was a particularly helpful post, but it's kind of nice to know that showers really are a big issue.

I LOVE the idea of a blessingway. I think that's what showers should be -- celebrating life. They just seem about gifts to me.


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

Slightly OT, but why ARE they still selling crib bumpers? I just registered last weekend and they are in ALL the sample cribs. They certainly cost a pretty penny. But you don't exactly have to be reading "crunchy" sources to read that they are unsafe. That's in pretty much all the baby books I've read.

I'm not loving the materialism aspect of all that baby stuff. It all seems so OTT. But my mom is really pressuring me about it. But I think that the OP was fairly reasonable.


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## Mamatoto2 (Sep 2, 2002)

I haven't read through every post so forgive me if I repeat, but I just had a shower last week (FWIW, this is baby #3 for me and the first shower I've ever had so it was a new experience for me). Initially when I was asked what I wanted/needed it felt strange asking for anything, but then the reality set in that there would be expenses/running around to get this and that and there were items that would be handy for us to have, especially because after 7 years, many items that we got for child #1 need yo be replaced for child #3. Likewise, people would be getting us something so it would be better to tell them what would be truly helpful rather than end up with another host of gender neutral 0-3 mo. outfits (sweet, but by #3 we have plenty). I made a registry at alternativegiftregistry.org because I really liked that it let me write however much text that I wanted about each item and to link to any internet link rather than be store specific if you know what I mean.

I think that it was a little more personal to be able to say, we could really use item X because of reason Y relating to our family, and here are some places where you might find it or something like it. It also allowed me to give a range of item prices for each type of item wanted, and to provide general examples/features of the type of item requested rather than YOU MUST BUY ME THIS (e.g. I requested BPA free bibs with sleeves or "catcher" pouches and gave some examples of different brands/styles).

I also was very clear throughout the registry about being more than happy to receive gently used/handmade items in cases where it was hygenic/safe to do so. In some cases, a friend might be able to give or loan me the infant car seat or stroller that I'd only need for a short while It would be no cost to them but a huge potential savings to me (and there are items like a car seat that I would not feel comfortable purchasing used for safety reasons but I would take from a trusted friend as a used item. I could even specify, "I'd love a gently used infant car seat or one to borrow, provided that it is within 6 years of the date of manufacture and has never been in a car during an accident. Please avoid any previously used car seats whose safety history is not 100% known to you. We would need the seat for approx. 6 months."). In other cases, the person themselves might not have a gently used version of the item, but maybe they'd find one in their price range on Craigslist, ebay, etc. when purchasing the item new would be cost prohibitive for them. Likewise, maybe someone has a talent, like they're a great seamstress/has a serger (or knows someone who is) and can bang out a bunch of cloth wipes at little cost to them if I let them know that I'd love them and give some specifics (e.g. I'd love 2-3 dz. 2-layer cloth wipes, around 8" square. Double velour would be great or velour/flannel-at least 80% cotton content for the velour, please. Examples can be seen =tags&includes[]=title]here, or =tags&includes[]=title]here, or here").

In the end, many people at the shower went in on group gifts, buying us the 2 "big ticket" items that I had listed and I also have an infant car seat on loan as well as a gently used jogging stroller coming my way. For the other "want" items, DH and I participated in a big "mothers" baby item sale that goes on here twice a year. We spent $40 total on a used stroller that will work with an infant car seat (our old one was awful) and an infant vibrating bouncy seat (the two would have totaled around $200 new). Maybe some of your friends/family are familiar with similar sales or are garage sale freaks or something and they can source out bargains for you too to help minimize your expenses and use some of their "talents/connections/resources" to fill out your registry in a way that is more affordable for everyone, and allows for honest communication and personal freedom for the guests (I of course always preface the registry by saying something like, "here are some ideas of items that we could really use to make life a little easier for our growing family, but of course any gifts, good thoughts, and well wishes are much appreciated. Many of the items listed have examples provided but please feel free to deviate-important features if any will be mentioned in the item description."

Anyway, long and wordy but hopefully something in there is helpful. Good luck to you!


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