# I am very new and very sad.



## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

On Thursday, I started spotting when I was sitting in a meeting at work. I just walked out and didn't go back. That evening, I kept convincing myself that everything would be fine. I went to my prenatal yoga class and spoke with the woman at the yarn store about a baby blanket and went about my business.

Friday morning, I knew something was seriously wrong. I spent the day reading in bed and crying and waiting for the radiology clinic to call me back. I finally called them mid-afternoon and was told that they'd be able to see me in an hour.

My ultrasound was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

The sonographer tried and tried and tried but couldn't find anything abdominally. So then I had a transvaginal ultrasound and it took her a long time yet again, but then I saw this small, sad fetal pole on the screen. I knew what an ultrasound image was supposed to look like at 9 weeks and that wasn't it. But she wouldn't say anything to me, because she was just the sonography tech. And the radiologist wouldn't come in to talk to me either because of regulations and litigation concerns. And 30 minutes later, they finally got my local midwife-in-training's boss (with whom I had absolutely no relationship) to speak with me over the phone and confirm that there was a small fetal pole with no heartbeat and no limbs.

The midwife encouraged me to have hope for the pregnancy. The sonographer encouraged me to have hope for the pregnancy. Screw hope. I knew my dates, I had early pregnancy confirmation, and there was absolutely no way that an embryo at that stage of development was viably compatible with the date that I ovulated. After a desk clerk waylaid me with platitudes on my way out of the door, I called my Brooklyn midwife from my car and she agreed that my interpretation was sadly accurate. I deeply appreciate that she didn't try to feed me false hope when I desperately wanted to be wrong.

Then I had to drive a half hour home to break my husband's heart. I wanted so badly to buy more time for him to be happy, but there was nothing I could do.

Friday night was horribly, horribly sad.

Saturday morning, I went to the midwife's office to have blood drawn for what was to be the first of two beta hcg levels to confirm the miscarriage. The weather was cruelly beautiful. I saw two rainbows on my drive there and a brilliant cardinal flitting in a tree. I also stood outside for a half hour waiting and freaking out before the midwife showed up.

I went to Barnes and Noble after my appointment to get a book on pregnancy loss and some vacuous fiction for distraction. I cried in the aisles. I went to target. I cried in the bathroom. Everywhere I went, there were pregnant women and adorable small children and I just kept wondering why this horrible thing had to happen to me.

I spent today knowing that my body was actively beginning to miscarry and being alternately thankful and heartbroken for that. Once I learned on Friday that the pregnancy wasn't viable, I very much hoped that my body would be able to handle this in a peaceful and private way rather than needing to be surrendered to medical intervention. And so I miscarried all day today. I miscarried in bed with my husband this morning when I crawled back in to be held once I knew it was happening. I miscarried at the french patisserie and I miscarried while trying to pick out movies to watch. I miscarried while having sushi because i don't need to avoid raw fish anymore. I miscarried in Whole Foods when a cute little girl ran by, calling for her mommy. I miscarried on the walk home. I miscarried watching videos and I miscarried while talking on the phone. And then the contractions started when i was preparing supper.

Having never given birth, I almost wasn't certain that this weird sensation of breathtaking pain and pressure was a contraction at first. But after about the 6th one, my body expelled the podling inside his gestational sac at 6 o'clock this evening. His little home was one of the saddest things i have ever seen, yet I am grateful to have had that opportunity. I buried him in the backyard with an agave plant and sobbed as I said my goodbyes.

I feel so very hollow. And after having so carefully planned and wanted and embraced my pregnancy, sensing this void where a baby should be seems like it must be the saddest feeling in the world.


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

Your story is sadly familiar. I am holding you and your baby in my heart.


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

i am so sorry.









That's something I did, too, after the loss of my first pregnancy* -- eating "forbidden" food since I didn't need to be careful anymore. We find ways to take care of ourselves however we can.

*_In my case there was no fetal development at all, since it was a complete molar pregnancy. Had it been otherwise, I would not call it the loss of my "pregnancy," but of a baby..._


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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

I'm sorry


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## fenix (Apr 22, 2006)

Many hugs and prayers for you, your dh, and your little babe. May you find some healing.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so very sorry


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *starkyld* 
Then I had to drive a half hour home to break my husband's heart. I wanted so badly to buy more time for him to be happy, but there was nothing I could do.

Letting my dh know was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life too. I imagined him happy and then receiving that phone call from me. Almost made me want to never call. But I needed him there with me so I did it.


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## perl (Jan 17, 2006)

I'm so, so sorry.

I know it's no consolation, but your post was so beautifully written and captures a lot of what I was feeling but unable to put into words. You are brave


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry.









Letting my dh know was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life too. I imagined him happy and then receiving that phone call from me. Almost made me want to never call. But I needed him there with me so I did it.

Telling my DH my water had broken was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I thought I would choke on the words. He'd gone to finish up the nighttime stuff like feeding the cats, locking the doors, etc. and I just kept begging him in my head to take a little longer and hold on to our hope for just another minute. I completely understand how hard that was. Peace and healing to you.


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## OwensMa (Apr 15, 2004)




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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

You're right, it's not fair that it happens to you but others get to have kids.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry that you're here.







Sadly, alot of us know just how you feel, and we embrace you, your sadness, and the loss of your sweet babe.

Peace and love to you and your DH...







Again, I'm just so sorry.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that empty feeling.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I am very sorry for your loss and I know that sad empty feeling too.


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

It breaks my heart that another mama from the November DDC is here to join us. Our stories are also similar, with the first ultrasound being the first indication that our wee babes weren't with us anymore. I'm so sorry for your loss mama.


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

I am so very sorry for your loss mama. Your story sounds very similar to mine too, and many other of the beautiful women here.

Peace, love and strength to you.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so very sorry mama.
Thank you for sharing, and so beautifully too.
Many heartfelt wishes for healing and holding you in the light.


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## erin_brycesmom (Nov 5, 2005)

I'm am so sorry. I can really relate about others encouraging you to have hope when you know there is none. It isn't fair. My heart goes out to you.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i'm so sorry. it's a terrible loss and there is no other way to really look at it despite what some people say. Please take care of yourself and know you're not alone.


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## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)




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## annamama (Sep 23, 2005)

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. I understood, and identified with, every word you wrote. Wishing you healing and peace.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts.


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## William's Mom (Oct 6, 2004)




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## immamama (Mar 3, 2008)

I am so very sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) Unfortunately I know all too well that pain and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Take care of yourself... and allow yourself time to grieve. Don't try to be the strong one and hold it all in.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope writing about it and continuing to come here will help you through your grief. We are all here for you.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry. I wish I could do or say something more helpful.


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## treespeak (Nov 30, 2007)

There are tears running down my face. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

You're right. It is the saddest feeling in the world. And having to tell the ones we love is so, so hard. I'm so sorry.


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

Thank you all so much for the support and the empathy. It helps to know that I'm not alone. I cried reading your responses, over and over again.


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

Hang in there. Keep talking. We're here and we hold one another in our thoughts and prayers. Hope you can sense the love that is headed your way this evening. It's an awful thing that we all carry in our hearts together.


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