# feeling rage when putting the baby to sleep--update & another question



## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I am so embarrassed to even admit this, but it seems lately that when i have to struggle to put ds to sleep, I feel the most intense rage,wanting to squeeze him or handle him roughly, because I am so frustrated. He is SUCH a good baby---easygoing, transitions well to and from daycare/grandma when I go to work, cheerful, friendly, so much fun, he's such a a joy to have around. But I NEED for him to goto bed at night! I know he's tired, but some nights getting him to sleep is a battle. we follow an exact routine every night (flexible on the exact time dpeending on when he gets tired, but pretty much always between 7 & 8): WE have dinner, then he plays in his room while I tidy up and lay out his pajamas, then bath, get dressed, brush teeth, songs/sometimes stories if he's not fidgety, leche (nursing), and when he is asleep or almost asleep I lay him down. He usually goes down ok. But then 5 minutes later he is up again, crying. I pick him up, rock him back to sleep, lay him down. I try to be sensitive to the fact that onm days when I have been gone from him, he is craving that closeness. But...I am a single parent, I work FT, go to school MORE than FT, I have to pump twice between his bedtime and mine, do laundry, cook his lunch for the next day because he won't eat baby food, etc. I need that window from 7 PM to 12 to get stuff done, especially schoolwork, because the deadlines for assignments are at midnight. I am not a totally GD person when it comes to other things, but I really, really want to make him feel secure and loved. I don't want to CIO, but I don't want to feel so angry when he wakes up. I feel really, really overwhelmed right now...sometimes when I hear him crying I go through the house saying, "I just want him to shut UP. This kid is getting on my nerves..." etc etc But my heart aches for him when I hear him cry, and I go an get him, and then I feel so angry because I have to nurse him AGAIN, and now I have ton stay up longer so I can pump, and then the dryer buzzes or a dog barks or something and he wakes up AGAIN, and I have to hold him tightly to me because now he is kicking and screaming and pushing me away (and I have very tender breasts, it HURTS and I feel like smashing something) and rock him FOREVER. I already take medication for bipolar disorder and I had hoped it would help with these feelings, but it's not. Please help me put this in perspective....I know it won't last forever and I know he's a baby, but I'm so TIRED.


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## XanaduMama (May 19, 2006)

Oh, mama.






































I know exactly how you feel--after almost 3 years of sleep deprivation and sleep battles, I can say that I've totally been there. I'm thinking it's got nothing to do with bipolar: it's about been sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

So let's see. You already know that this isn't about him--it's about you. You know it's not fair to expect him to sleep just because you need him to: you're angry because you've got other things you can't stop thinking about.

My first thought is this. You have WAY too much stuff going on. Any one of these would be overwhelming and exhausting in themselves! (1) single mama; (2) to an infant; (3) full-time WOH; (4) full-time+ student....OMG!! I can't believe you've been doing all this--you're amazing, truly. But something's got to give: you're obviously (and understandably) overwhelmed.

So here are my thoughts.

- can you cut back on school, even for a semester? I don't know your situation, but this seems like the first thing to try. Honestly I would drop everything if you can and start again in the spring.

- can you get any help? Someone to help with laundry or housekeeping stuff, at least?

- GET A WHITE NOISE MACHINE! It's saved our sanity, for sure: ds was also the lightest sleeper and it's made us so much less paranoid about making noise after he's in bed.

- cut corners as MUCH as possible. Do you really need to COOK him a lunch, at this point? Can't the sitter/grandma just give him some fruit or veg or something that doesn't involve much prep? He's only 8mo: he doesn't need meals.

- I can't believe you're pumping twice between 7pm and 12... Is that really necessary? (Not saying it's not; just asking.) This seems to be a big issue for you: honestly, if something has to give, there's no harm sending one bottle of formula if you can't manage this nighttime pumping. I'm a huge lactivist, but formula is going to be less harmful to your LO than an angry mama.

- is he teething, perhaps? Waking so soon after he goes down, crying, makes me wonder.

- would swaddling help? Is he too cold/hot? What about leaving one of your shirts from the day with him?

My random musings...hope something in there is helpful. I really feel for you, mama. You're doing a great job and your son is lucky to have you. Look after yourself, though, too--ok?


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## locksmama (Jun 7, 2007)

Hugs to ya mama. I've been there. I'm still there at times. I also have the sweetest little one. I had to change things around bigtime to alleviate tension. I also got into counseling again to help sort it all out. It's been a lot of basic issues teased out of complicated looking problems with many commonsense solutions.
First of all, it is ok to feel angry and tired like you do. You are stressed out and tired and lacking sleep so it is normal to be reactive, you just need to step back and say to yourself that until you have a better plan this is how it is. You can only control the environment for sleep, you can't force him to sleep.
In the meantime develop a new strategy.
Somehow somewhere the schedule needs to change so he is even more relaxed for bed. Remember too, if you are stressed he will pick up on that.
It may be that you need to call in reinforcements and help you at night somehow if possible. I nurse and my dh puts her down. Perhaps you can nurse him and someone (if possible) lays him down and goes to him when he cries 5mins later. He will cry but he will not be alone and he WILL get used to it I promise. Be willing to ask for help but also be willing to take it--that would mean letting him cry with someone. It's not CIO.
I don't have a solution beyond that. Just some words and prayers. We are also still working on this.
Try the common books like No Cry Sleep Solution and so on.
And yes, yes, yes mama it will get better. I myself am also banking on that advice...


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## elizaMM (Nov 10, 2007)

PP said it all.

I just wanted to add that its so great that you notice, acknowledge, and admit the problem!!!!!!! You'll figure something out.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

I'm right there with you on the feelings of frustration at bedtime - and mine is an easy, happy baby, too. I WOH full-time, but I have a DH who is extremely helpful. But, the WIGGLES at night, and the craziness before bedtime...

Sunday evening, I was alone, so I took DS into the guest bedroom - with a low futon, rather than our regular bed. I nursed him down, but he was still up. Climbing around, flopping like a fish, flailing. So I told him it was sleepy time, and I left the room. After a few minutes (less than 3), he was fussing and crawled to the door. I went in immediately, and nursed him back down. He was up again...I got up, told him it was sleepy time, and left the room. This time, he didn't even wait to fuss -just started right up. I had just shut the door and I opened it again and went to him. I picked him up, told him it was sleepy time, and by the time we laid down together, he was asleep Whole thing took less than 15 minutes, including the initial nursing down.

Last night, I did a similar thing, but I didn't leave the room. As I stood up and told him it was sleepy time (as he's crawling around the futon), he crawls toward me with his arms up. I picked him up, and he relaxed into my arms. I was able to sing him to sleep in my arms - something I haven't been able to do since he was a few months old. I think he quickly learned that I mean business. Sorry if that sounds harsh to some mamas here, but it's much better for all of us if he gets to sleep rather than futz around on the bed for 45 minutes. DH can deal with the futzing - he just grabs the remote or his laptop, and grabs one of DS's ankles so he won't fall off the bed. (all of this after the bedtime routine, stories, and nursing). But I can't deal with it that way.


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## firsttimemama (Nov 4, 2005)

(((hugs)))
I have been there too. Sometimes, I still am. I have found that when I try to control my son's sleep it just makes me angry. I try to roll with his own idea of when he wants to go to sleep as often as I can.
I think there are some very good suggestions in the previous replies.
Can you let some things go?
Would cutting back on pumping, or cooking lunches, or laundry, etc - help?
Could you wear the baby in an ergo while he sleeps from say 7-10 or 7-12 at night while you're doing homework? maybe he'd sleep if he were close to you?
Maybe a later bedtime would help? My son was "napping" around 8 and then he wanted to stay up very very late. Now we gently discourage the 8 pm nap (nothing harsh, we just don't nurse him to sleep/walk him outside at that point which makes him go to sleep). We wait til 9 pm, give him a bath, nurse again at 9:30 pm and he's out. It works most of the time.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Do you have some friends or family who can help you out?

more hugs!


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## Delaney'sMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

You've gotten _great_ advice. Your frustration is understandable. I just quickly wanted to add that a sound machine might really help with the sounds waking him back up. We have one & I set it to white noise all night long. There's no way my girls would sleep through the night without it. Just a fan wouldn't do as well, the sound machine has volume control. I know this is just part of the issue your having, but it could help.


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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

OMG, I can't believe you're doing all that you are!!

I recommend a white noise machine. What we use is an air purifier running on high all night a few feet from where ds sleeps. We also still swaddle at 1year







.

I'm only working PT and going back to school this semester, but decided to take only 1 class. Maybe you can drop down to just 1 class?? I know its a drag to think about not getting more done, but seriously, his sleep should keep improving as time goes on and by next semester you'll probably have a better sleep situation.

And don't worry, I think many of us have felt the rage you explained. I know that it happens for me when I'm way too sleep deprived.


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## tuscany123 (Feb 15, 2004)

Quote:

I am so embarrassed to even admit this, but it seems lately that when i have to struggle to put ds to sleep, I feel the most intense rage,wanting to squeeze him or handle him roughly, because I am so frustrated
nak

mama, i could have written this. i have my hands full right now, but will write more later .....


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Here's the problem: I'm taking 15 credit hours. If I take less than 12 which is full time, I won't qualify for the financial aid that I desperately need. I am depending on my student loans coming through in October so that I can get a car. That at least will make my life a little easier. nevertheless, I appreciate your replies SO MUCH. It means a lot to me that someone out there understands what /i'm going through. Keep em coming, you all are making me feel better/calmer just from reading your helpful replies!!! Oh and for those of you who suggested the white noise machine, I will most definitely look into getting one when I get paid friday. a 4-5 hour chunk of sleep would be HEAVEN and totally worht the money.

ETA: I found one!!! for $10 on craigslist!







:


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Oh, mama! I'm sorry! The sleep issue was a huge one for me when I NEEDED my DD (it was only with my oldest) to sleep so I could study. It was horrible. Once I was done with school, those feelings went away . . .it is completely situational.

How much time do you need per night just for the schoolwork? That is what I'd focus on finding SOME help for-- will your mom help a few more hours at night? Can you move in with her so that you don't have to work FT? Can you use formula instead of pumping? (I think formula is preferable to a nervous breakdown, and with the demands you have, just about ANYONE would be on that path.)

This is what I'd try to do:
(1) Get his basic needs taken care of ASAP (right after work/school). Some play/cuddle/reading time and feeding for both of you.
(2) Start schoolwork right away, even when he's awake, even if you have to nurse while you do it. This will be the toughest part.
(3) Do chores while you wear him in a carrier on your back. Save the mindless stuff (cleaning) for last-- you don't need to be running at full capacity to do it like you do with school.
(4) Skip the bedtime routine, and bring him to bed with you when you sleep.
(5) If he falls asleep while you are nursing him, set up an area on the floor where you are working so that he can sleep there if he won't sleep in a carrier.

The main thing is, try not to count on him going to sleep. Once you erase that expectation, it helps a LOT. It doesn't mean getting everything else done will be easy, but it will help with getting that feeling of OMG, he needs to sleep!


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

I know you're co-sleeping, but have you thought of setting up a pack n play next to where ever you're studying? My babies didn't sleep right away until around a year (& they still have pretty late bedtimes - 8:30 PM, sometimes 9), but they'll play happily while I read or do crochet or something, as long as they were right near me & could see me. If they were not in the pen, they'd be all over me (& everything else!), but they're safely contained, & I rotate the stuffed toys, board books, etc, that's in there, & they have a ball bouncing around, pulling up on the sides, cruising around the inside, & pitching all umpteen toys over the side (takes a while, then I pitch them all back & get back to my stuff).

Just wanted to add, this is just to keep your DC company & keep him happy until he's tired enough that he's ready to go to sleep - but you can get needed stuff accomplished too.


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## momasara (Apr 17, 2008)

Mine is 10 months and we are right there with you. I have a husband who is in his first year of grad school so we don't get to see him very much, and I have been trying to get homework done on a course I know I will not be able to complete in time.

Last night I was at wits end. I was calling my easy going little boy a nightmare. He was having a Velcro day and I desperately needed to get some homework done. He fought sleep. Thrashed and flopped and flung his arms everywhere. Bit the boobs. Woke up every 5 min or so.

When I think about it after the fact I understand that he is just having trouble winding down, but it is very hard to rationalize when it is all happening and all I want is for him to freakin go to sleep and leave me the heck alone.

Hubby told me to drop the course if that would drop my stress levels because DS is the more important project at this point.

Dropping it all sounds easier than it really is. First, there is all the money I already put into it. Then there is this nagging feeling that if I do not finish, I will be a failure. I was really counting on the money I could make from home after I finish the course, but I would have to put even more money into it because I would have to pay for extensions with money I don't have...

We decided to try to wear DS down before bedtime. Today he had a long bath. He played and played and only took 20 min to get to sleep. (last night took 2 hours















He has been in bed for a couple of hours now and has only woken once...


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

(edited by mod for spam quote







)

To the OP, LOVE TO YOU.
I too could have written this post.
I get so frustrated with my 19 month old who doesn't want to sleep at night until 11 p.m. some nights that I have carried him out of the bedroom to my dh UNDER MY ARM LIKE A FOOTBALL!
I have also raised my voice at him like "GO TO SLEEP!" or "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOUR MOMMY???" in moments of extreme exhaustion when I am hanging on by a thread.
I get very little sympathy on this issue from my dh who gets 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights in his own room, in his own bed.
He believes I am being abusive to the baby. He believes that if I am so sleep deprived, perhaps I should wean the baby.
To give him lots of credit, he will stay up with him on a lot of nights when I can't keep my eyes open.
Anyhow, I want you to know that you are not alone. And yes, this does pass. I have a 7 yr old who left me feeling like a sleep deprivation experiment. Night-weaning changed everything







I was hoping to nightwean the baby at 2 years of age but now I'm thinking just a couple more months tops. I do believe in family bed but most importantly, you and your sanity come first. If it's getting to be a bit much, you might consider some night-weaning/seperate sleep surfaces (not necessarily different rooms).
Oh, and YES we use a sound machine too!


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Oh, major hugs to you.

So, though a white noise machine I feel started my tinnitus that is driving me mad right now, and everyone else has given you good advice, I want to give you major kudos for saying "out loud" your negative feelings. I think that's the biggest positive thing you can do about those negative things, to share it with others. I think that many people (most?) feel things like that, but they keep it inside, feeling fear of sharing, thinking they are alone, and letting it fester. So I'm so glad you were able to say it in a safe place, so it doesn't have to fester.

I've felt rage too. DS had a very long involved bedtime routine, and even though I have my spouse here, I was the one making something for him to eat, so it was so much more draining to me, and I remember lying there just waiting for him to be asleep enough so I could sneak away just for a little.

Hugs to you, and I hope the white noise machine works without side effects for you!


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## treehuggermama (Jan 3, 2007)

I second wearing baby down if that works in an ergo or other carrier so that your hands are free to get things done. I work part time and I find that the days I too my LO is understandibly clingier and wanted to be close to me. My many carriers are lifesavers! I also use a white noise maker that I got from Amazon- it sounds like a loud fan and even dh and I sleep better with it on (babe co sleeps). Take care of yourself Mama- you have a ton on your plate and I don't know how you do it!


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

you guys are all so sweet. thanks for not judging...I do appreciate the help my mom offers, but she has a different way of doing things so then I feel guilty forcompromising the way I want ds cared for. It's such a tough call. I'm just glad I have the 3-dayweekend to rejuvenate myself and do some major cleaning. I think if I get better organized I will feel better. But the chaos is so overwhelming I don't know where to start. Any VA mamas want to come to my yard sale?


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## jadzia's_mommy (Jun 9, 2005)

Just wanted to send some hugs and agree with the others...do whatever you can to give yourself a break. Take 12 hours instead of 15, use formula, let the housework go, whatever. It sounds like you have SO much on your plate! Good luck!


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## Contrariety (Jul 16, 2007)

I've had periods like this. We are in such a period at the moment. DS is just not. going. to. sleep! Ugh!

If I had any advice, I'd lend it, but I SO don't! Just


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Heck, I don't have anywhere near the time constraints/work load you do, and I still feel angry with DD when it's time for sleep and she.just.won't.

You sound stressed and stretched too thin and tired and that makes any person cranky and irritable and quick with the temper.

It ebbs and flows for us, how easy or hard it is to get DD down, how easy or hard it is for me to handle the difficult days.

Hang in there.


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## veganone (May 10, 2007)

to you momma. I can't believe how much you're doing!

I agree with white noise. It helps, but for us DD still wakes a lot. But at least little noises don't wake her up!

Also, if you are taking 15 units, but need 12, you can drop one class and still be at 12, no? I would think about that... It's still early enough to drop.

I also agree on not pumping so much and having easy lunches. I have been known to throw O's cereal and a half an avocado in for lunch for DD and it works fine. She's fine. And formula is better than a breakdown!

More


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## henny penny (Mar 26, 2008)

One note on the sound machine: ours has to be up LOUD to drown out all the teeny, tiny household noises that wake ds. Don't be afraid to turn that thing on high, mama.
Hugs to you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until October. I hope it gets better then....

eta: Pumping for me was maddening. I agree with others that a bottle or two a day of formula won't harm anyone and might give you a little break.


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## babymaggie (Nov 11, 2007)

Oh I totally understand your frustration and rage. My DS is 19 months old and I just started night weaning him two days ago because I can't stand the hour long nursing him down session and then the million times a night wake-ups to nurse again. He goes down for a nap in the afternoon like a dream but it takes forever to get him down at night. I am doing no way near what you are doing either. I am pg though and am totally exhausted.
I have nothing else to add suggestion-wise but you got some good ones. Good luck!


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)




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## smellyann82 (Feb 6, 2006)

my dd is 2.5, and i've struggled with similar things on and off. granted, i have a dh (who works 50 hour weeks and is in grad school and travels a ton), but still. until about a month ago (dd is actually 2 years, 8 months, so until 2 years, 7 months), i nursed dd to sleep at my computer every night. i work from home only while she's sleeping, so i could typically get 30-60 minutes of work in while she was settling. if she wasn't quite ready to sleep, i'd just let her get up and putz around a bit--my computer is in a room with a lot of her toys, so a lot of the time she'd play for a minute to wear herself out and i could get started on whatever i needed to do. even if it was just getting myself organized. then while she was nursing/getting into deep sleep, i'd start to work--reading, anything that required only one hand. i'd then lay her, at different points over the years, either on our bed or on the couch or on a blanket on the floor--where ever she slept best. She knew that the time right before sleep was also mama's time to start working, and she knew that she was welcome to nurse.

as other pp's recommended, for quite a while, when she'd go to sleep, dh or i would wear her in a sling, wrap, mei tai, or ergo, depending on the stage. that seemed to help (until she got too big to get things done like that).

could you try doing a TON of cooking and freezing, maybe one weekend morning? when dd was that age i was still working out of the house, so i'd stearm little cut up apples, carrots, squash, etc. on the weekend and freeze it in food cubes, and send it for her lunch in a little container. i'd also cook pasta, rice, and other grains and freeze the same way. it will be cold but thawed by lunchtime. then just send things like cut up cheese, crackers, cereal, bananas/other fruits/veggies that you don't have to cook for grandma to cut up and serve. you really can give yourself a break on that one!


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Oh, mama! I'm sorry! The sleep issue was a huge one for me when I NEEDED my DD (it was only with my oldest) to sleep so I could study. It was horrible. Once I was done with school, those feelings went away . . .it is completely situational.

How much time do you need per night just for the schoolwork? That is what I'd focus on finding SOME help for-- will your mom help a few more hours at night? Can you move in with her so that you don't have to work FT? Can you use formula instead of pumping? (I think formula is preferable to a nervous breakdown, and with the demands you have, just about ANYONE would be on that path.)

This is what I'd try to do:
(1) Get his basic needs taken care of ASAP (right after work/school). Some play/cuddle/reading time and feeding for both of you.
(2) Start schoolwork right away, even when he's awake, even if you have to nurse while you do it. This will be the toughest part.
(3) Do chores while you wear him in a carrier on your back. Save the mindless stuff (cleaning) for last-- you don't need to be running at full capacity to do it like you do with school.
(4) Skip the bedtime routine, and bring him to bed with you when you sleep.
(5) If he falls asleep while you are nursing him, set up an area on the floor where you are working so that he can sleep there if he won't sleep in a carrier.

The main thing is, try not to count on him going to sleep. Once you erase that expectation, it helps a LOT. It doesn't mean getting everything else done will be easy, but it will help with getting that feeling of OMG, he needs to sleep!

I think Mizelenius gave the best advice right here. About a year and a half ago DH and I had a couple month seperation. DS and I were living on our own in a small apartment, I worked FT and was in school FT. I did everything while DS was awake and then just took him to bed with me. He was about 8 or 9 mo at the time and I'd just set several things out to occupy him and I'd sit on the floor next to him with my laptop/books/notebooks/whatever and get to work. Sometimes he'd crawl all over me and push buttons on my computer but he knew if he needed me I was right there and that was usually enough to keep him comfortable so he could play.
Big







to you mama! It WILL get easier.


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## jamiew (Oct 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehuggermama* 
I second wearing baby down if that works in an ergo or other carrier so that your hands are free to get things done.


Agreed as well. A sling or ergo would be great, he can be close to you but you can still do things around the house.

He obviously wants and needs you to hold him, after he doesn't see you all day. Perhaps wearing him down in a sling or similar carriers is the answer.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jamiew* 

He obviously wants and needs you to hold him, after he doesn't see you all day.

This is exactly it. This is what my heart tells me. Last night we had another rough night...my mom actually heard me yelling (well, not yelling, but not talking very nicely) to him and came out to see what was going on because he was crying so loud. It was because I had scared him with my manner. I felt TERRIBLE, like, I can't even describe it.














The worst feeling in the world, to think you've in some way hurt your child. She said I should leave him in his own bed all night so he gets used to ti, but I think you mamas are on point...he needs MORE of me, not less. I brought him to bed with me after he fell asleep and snuggled up with him the rest of the night. I'm so glad you all are reminding me of this, that he is just a baby who needs his mommy, not spoiled o manipulating and not old enough to be left on his own. I love the suggestion of cooking ahead...why didn't I think of that?


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

I swear, cosleeping is what has kept both me and my daughter sane. Seriously. But the thing I learned early on----I could not plan. Not anything. Every time I tried to have some kind of personal schedule for the evening or weekend day--it was dashed by a teething, or ill, or needing-some-cuddles, or just plain perky kid. I have this list of "things I could do if I had a few minutes" on my refrigerator. When she's down for the count at night, and I still have some energy, I get back up, take back my poor beaten boob, turn on the monitor, and wash that window or take out the trash, or clip the grass around the fenceposts. Tonight, I'm low on energy so I get to indulge here a while. (no, really, I'm checking the ebay sales. really I am). I managed to write a dissertation, work full time, and nurse the kid and get a house ready to sell as a single mom--but I honestly did the dissertation with help. Could not do that little chore with the wee one -- so I'd leave for two hours or so on a weeknight while my mom played with the babe in between nursies. That's how that one got finished. And we cook on Sundays--but I don't plan on the time we start, just that the number one project is cooking. and dd can help now so that's a plus for entertainment. She gets slapped in the Ergo if she's too clingy or needs a closer mom (who needs to mow the lawn). And she's usually quite content there. Everyone's needs get met. The house, though, that's another story. My floors need to be washed, the windows need to be washed, the mess with a toddler is endless with the goo. But I let a lot of that go, and get to it another day.


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## Alison Cole (Mar 6, 2006)

Just chiming in to say that even though I have way more support and way less going on than you, I still get frustrated when it's so obvious that the baby needs sleep, she's rubbing her eyes and so tired, but she is just fighting it so hard. You've gotten lots of great suggestions, but just know that what you're feeling is normal, and raising your voice in frustration is not harmful or abusive; when you're feeling more calm you can lovingly explain to the babe why you were so upset, and apologise for yelling. We're all human and we all get frustrated and it absolutely doesn't make you a bad mom. You're working so hard and it's a hard job being a mommy. Love and light to you.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Please go easy on yourself. I have no medical issues, am a full time stay at home mom, and I used to feel those same feelings of rage with my first child at bedtime. Just reading your post brought back some really dark memories for me.

I really have no solution for you, other than to remind you that it will end. I promise, it really will. I know you know this logically, but when you're laying there, being pummeled, wanting to scream, it feels like this will be your life forever. But pretty soon he will sleep. You have so much on your plate right now, but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, and before you know it, he will be sleeping longer and longer.

One practical suggestion, however. How much caffeine do you drink? If you are nursing, it's possible that your baby is sensitive to caffeine. My first wasn't, but my second was - if I had caffeine after 3pm he had a really hard time sleeping. Just a thought . . .


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

So...I took all of your suggestion to heart. my mom is helping me out with keeping ds's room clean, since she watches him M-Th. she also washed and folded some of his clothes today too.









In a couple months I will be getting some financial aid money and I have my eye on a full size platform bed from ikea. right now we sleep in a twin daybed which is kind of tight. what if I got the platform bed and then a toddler bed right near it in my room, to give us each our own space but still leaving an open invitation to cosleep? Has anyone done this with a baby under a year? I could still put a bedrail on the toddler bed, but it would be low to the ground and the one I'm thinking of I could stand up during the day and store, to give me more space in my room. This is the advantage over the pnp which is a pain to undo every night.(plus ds is NOT a fan of anything with "walls"....he likes to sleep on the big bed; I don't see him being any happier int he pnp in my room than in the crib) he would be around 10 months when I do this. fwiw he is already creeping holding onto things and can get down out of his stroller and carseat feet first. does this seem crazy? then ds can actually sleep right near me while I work on the LAPTOP I'm buying with that same financial aid $$....


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I would skip the toddler bed (based on my children-- yours could be different). Put him right to sleep in your bed, but teach him how to get off the bed properly. Children can learn this very early! Put up a bed rail when you aren't there, pillows to block the sides, or just put the mattress right on the floor.

I am so glad for a happy update! Thinking of you!


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## kokonutmama (Feb 12, 2006)

I feel you.

I ended up making all kinds of compromises and imperfect decisions because of just absolutely needing time I didn't have.

Try listing to really loud angry music on earphones when you're traveling or between classes or something... get the rage out.









You love your baby, and you're doing what you can. Keep it up, mama.


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## veganone (May 10, 2007)

I would probably go with a full size mattress on the floor with a crib mattress on one side of it, if you want him to have his own space. No risk of falling, and easy for both of you.

I have said it so many times I probably sound like I'm advertising for them, but I love this bedrail, and it's cheap. If you get a bed, get one without a platform that extends beyond the mattress so you can sidecar his crib/toddler bed. Then you have your own space, but are still close enough to co-sleep.

I'm so glad your mom is helping!


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