# I lost my baby :(



## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm pretty numb right now but I feel like I need to post&#8230;

We found out at my 17 week appt. today that our baby is gone









We couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler so my midwife brought the ultrasound machine in to the room to check. No heartbeat on that either but she didn't want to jump right to conclusions so she told be the machine was old and maybe it just wasn't picking it up. I knew better, in fact, I've bad feeling about the pregnancy right from the very beginning, beyond normal worries, even after we hear the HB at 12 and 13 weeks and it was nice and strong. I just knew something wasn't right.

So I went to the birthing unit and had another ultrasound, and of course there was no heartbeat. It looks like the baby passed around 15 weeks. No ideas on what may have happened, and we may never know.

So now I get to decide whether or not I want to be induced and deliver there as planned with my midwife, or go to a hospital about an hour away to have a D&E. while it would be nice to have this over with quick, and I hate the thought of laboring and delivering to leave my baby behind, I feel like delivering with people I know and am comfortable with is the right thing, rather than some "procedure" in some cold sterile room with someone I've never met at all.

God, this is going to be so hard. I know when it really hits me it is going to hit me hard. It is just so unfair.







:


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

mama I know this is a really hard time and very unfair.


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I'm pretty numb right now but I feel like I need to post&#8230;

We found out at my 17 week appt. today that our baby is gone









We couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler so my midwife brought the ultrasound machine in to the room to check. No heartbeat on that either but she didn't want to jump right to conclusions so she told be the machine was old and maybe it just wasn't picking it up. I knew better, in fact, I've bad feeling about the pregnancy right from the very beginning, beyond normal worries, even after we hear the HB at 12 and 13 weeks and it was nice and strong. I just knew something wasn't right.

So I went to the birthing unit and had another ultrasound, and of course there was no heartbeat. It looks like the baby passed around 15 weeks. No ideas on what may have happened, and we may never know.

So now I get to decide whether or not I want to be induced and deliver there as planned with my midwife, or go to a hospital about an hour away to have a D&E. while it would be nice to have this over with quick, and I hate the thought of laboring and delivering to leave my baby behind, I feel like delivering with people I know and am comfortable with is the right thing, rather than some "procedure" in some cold sterile room with someone I've never met at all.

God, this is going to be so hard. I know when it really hits me it is going to hit me hard. It is just so unfair.







:

hugs to you, hope you heal emotionally sooner then later. find the joy from your little boys and know that all is well, this is a transition time for you. be easy on yourself. whatever you decide i know it will be the best decision for you
light and much love
Heather


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i am so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is, I just lost my son at 19 1/2 weeks. I ended up with a d&c at the end of it. I hope you can find comfort here and in family and friends, they're invaluable at times like this. take care of yourself.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm so sorry. I have both had a d&c and delivered (although I was in the 1st tri both times) and I really thought going naturally was better. I got to see my baby and now he's buired in my flower garden. It's hard to choose though when really you don't want to be in this position to begin with.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

mama

It is a horrible thing to hear those words, 'no heartbeat'. It just sucks.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I'm so sorry.

Listen to your heart, if you want to do this naturally at home then you have every right to do so, this is still your baby. I wish I had been able to "see" the one I lost at only 12 wks (stopped growing at ~9wks) and the one I "passed" at 6 wks, I was able to at least see the big clot that it was and it's like it validated that I WAS pregnant and there was a baby, and now I see that it's gone. The D&C was very different, I went to sleep and woke up and just bled forever. But, for other people, it's traumatizing the other way, and they just want to start healing- and only YOU can know what will feel right.

A very sad loss


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Hi mama, hugs to you, I am miscarrying right now and as I write this having horrible pain. I found a couple books at the library on this subject that are helping me and I JUST read about a situation very much like yours. I want to share with you... this is from "Help, Comfort, and Hope after Losing your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year" by Hannah Lothrop. Barabara, a midwife, contributed this observation: "I've learned that it may be good for women- only if they want to, of course- to be able to feel the pain of contractions at a stillbirth. Where they would normally be numbed and silenced due to shock, they are able, during the delivery, to scream out their emotional pain as well, and this has been helpful to some of them." This is just one passage that really stuck with me. Other professionals and mamas have said that they never heard anyone regret seeing their baby after the delivery. I am so sorry for you. No one should have to go through this. I am holding you in the light. Hot baths and time alone in the sunshine are the only things that are helping me I can't stand for anyone to touch me because it makes me feel like I will shatter completely.


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for you loss







you're right, it's not fair.


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## gadivapeach72 (Dec 27, 2005)

my prayers are with you and your family


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## blissful_maia (Feb 17, 2005)

Oh wow, mama. Read this in New Posts and couldn't not post. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Wishing you clarity and support during this time... just take it one day at a time.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

So sorry for your loss, mama. Peace and healing to you, whatever your decision.


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

My aunt was grieving with me and read me a passage that was written by Saint Thomas Aquinas, I will probably misquote here, but "I have found that the only thing that can cure the melancholy is good friends and hot baths." In miscarrying my baby I have found this to be true.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Just wanted to offer a


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, vermillion, I am so sorry.
It is simply not fair.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

Oh Mama - I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## cubasianchica (Jun 18, 2007)

i am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation that ended in a stillborn daughter at 21 weeks. One thing I want to let you know about induction that I was not informed of until after the fact is that it doesnt always take as long as they say. for instance my dr told me it would be 1 day in the hospital and at most it would be an overnight stay. WRONG i was there for 4 days! 4 horrible miserable days! on top of that anytime you are induced in the 2nd trimester there is a chance that in future pregnancies your cervix will start to dilate again in the 2nd trimester... something about being a shortened cervix. When i had to make this horrible decision I felt very rushed and uninformed. whatever method you choose I suggest that you do everything you can to remember your little one including: taking pictures, holding your little one, dressing him/her, reading it a poem or prayer. if you have other children have them see the baby. If the baby has hair already I would suggest taking a little clip of hair... i wish I had done that. get foot and hand prints. do everything you can to take some memories. I am so sorry it is painful but you dont want to regret no doing something after the fact. my prayers are with you.


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## SaraGriffin (Nov 19, 2007)

I have had four pregnancy losses and did them naturally and with misoprostel. In your situation, if you are able to (barring infection) I think you would find the greatest comfort in delivering naturally. With a D&C they just "take" your baby and that's it.
I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with this. Hold your sons tight and love them


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry you have to go through this.








Sending you love and strength... ...


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