# "Do you have kids?" how do i answer this question?



## her_story (Jul 10, 2007)

I lost my twin boys at 20 weeks because of twin to twin transfusion syndrome on Oct. 19. Their time in this world was too short, but somehow their journey made me a mommy. What do I tell people when they ask me if I have kids? This was my first pregnancy. I am especially concerned about answering this question at work (when I go back to work). I am a physical therapist and the majority of my patients ask this question.

How do I get the words to come out without crying or making them feel uncomfortable?

Please help!


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.








You don't have to answer the question "do you have kids"? The same way every time. Some days you may have the emotional energy to explain that you had two little boys who died. Or you could simply say, "I don't have any living children". People can either let that statement pass, answer with a simple "I'm so sorry", or ask if you mind sharing details. You may be surprised at the comfort you can sometimes receive from a stranger who will tell you how something similar happened to her.
Some days, or with some people, you may not feel like sharing the story of your little boys, and that's okay, too. You're not dishonoring your boys by not telling strangers about them.
I'm sorry that you're going to have to deal with this painful question. Don't feel like you have to worry about making people uncomfortable, though. Your loss is enormous, and you don't need to keep it to yourself all the time.
Sending you many hugs and peace and healing vibes.


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## her_story (Jul 10, 2007)

This helps. Thank you so much.


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## a&c&kwithwings (Nov 13, 2007)

I don't know if this helps, but I have two boys and I lost my first baby girl in August. I have learned to respond by just saying I have two boys. If they ask about girls I will figure they care enough to learn that she was stillborn. Otherwise if they don't ask its fine. Most people do reply very sincerily that they are sorry and then change the subject to not make you uncomfortable- which will probably make you uncomfortable but you will get more comfortable with the topic as you get farthur away from your loss...it is so raw right now. Hopefully you have time to take from work before returning! Good Luck!


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

A friend had a fullterm stillbirth- she now replies 'i have 2 living children' and goes into more detail if asked. Her lost baby was in between her 2 living children.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I have three living children and just lost a litle girl in October (at 16 weeks). I tell people I have three living children. If it is someone I know well, then I do talk about Avery as well.

My close friend lost a baby at 22 weeks and she says she has one living child and a child in heaven. It really depends on how much you want to open up to someone.

You are a mama though and do not forget that! If you want to talk about it, you should. I do not know if you work with children or adults as a PT but as a parent, my son's therapists have told me about their personal experiences and I think it does help.

Huge







s!

Take care


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I'm sorry. I lost my twin boys in July at 20 weeks as well and had to determine what to tell people. It's especially hard, since you have no children yet (I don't either) and commenting on how many living children you have isn't helpful and I thought it sounded odd to say "I don't have any living chhildren." I was actually surprised at how well people generally take it when I tell them that I had two boys who both died at birth. Some people ask, others say nothing and most people have been incredibly respectful about understanding if I don't want to talk about it. I've found that most people who are rude would have been rude regardless of what I said. It's very hard at first, but it gets better with time. You'll have to work out for yourself what feels the best to you and how much detail you want to get into with people.

I usually base my answer on the person asking too. If a cashier asks me if I have children, I'll say no but a coworker I'd be a little more open with (although that probably depends on your coworkers).








mama. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm also a mommy with no kids on earth. I have been since July.

I've gotten into the habit of saying "One in Heaven" or "non living."

The following moment begins either a brief explanation or a subject change from me. Depends on who I'm talking to.

Only one lame response so far - and it was more awkward than bad. May your luck be just as good on this.

And just to encourage you; I know it's hard to be a mommy when others can't see your baby(ies). We're in this together. Lots of us, unfortunately.


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

If I do share my loss with someone who asks me if I have kids, I always thank them for asking. Some people are just horrified that they've stumbled on this huge loss, but I want them to. I've found if I thank them for asking, it lets them know that it's ok with me to talk about.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry about your lost little ones. Whether your babies are here are not does not change the fact that you are a mother.









I also change my response depending on who I am talking to and my mood at the time. I do think the "I have no living children" is a good response because it gets the point across. And people can feel free to ask for more info or not. I'm just like starlight, I like it when I can talk about my lost dd after someone asks me about her. I think I will start that thanking idea myself.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Starlight, love the thanking idea. I read that thinking, "Hey! That would help!" I'll give it a shot and see if I can say it naturally.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

In the beginning after losing our daughter @ 39 weeks, i could not talk about her at all without bursting into tears and that made *everyone* feel awkward. I found that for me, I should give myself time. Now, its been over a yr, and I say I have 2 children and 1 in heaven.

I also have a hard time telling pregnant women that (i do not want to scare them), so I usually don't bring the death of Alexis up if I do not know them.

Sorry you are going though this.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

I usually say "none living" or something similar. To say "no" feels like a denial of his existence to me.


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