# So So Mad. Please Help. Stillborn, now this!



## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I hurt so bad right now. My head hurts, my body hurts. Maybe a part of PPD, but still.
It's been two weeks and a few hours since my son Jase was born still at 29 weeks. I thought I was doing okay, I was getting as much support as I thought I needed from (husband) and was doing okay. We went down to visit Jase before his cremation on Weds. and got a call on Friday that I could pick him up. I then went to work and got home around 1 in the morning. I was already in a not great mood due to Jase and don't know why. I asked ( husband ) to leave me alone and finally he went to sleep. While I was on the computer I decided to look up the history and see if there was anything on there for some reason. ( Me and ((husband)) have had problems with him looking at porn and thought we had come to an agreement.) So upon looking I noticed that on the Sept 9th, the day AFTER I found out that Jase was dead, and the day BEFORE I was supposed to go in for laminaras, that my (husband) had looked up porn on the internet, WHILE I was at work with his dead son in me.

Is it just me or is that just plain insensitive? I never thought anyone could do something that insensitive, but he did and now I don't think I can be with him anymore. I now feel that Jase had died for a good reason, to show me what an a**hole his father was. I really believe that Jase did that for me. I hold Jase now, in his cremation box, thinking how much he did for me in those short but great 29 weeks. Mommy's little boy alright.

We were planning to try again in December, but now I don't think we will ever be able to get together again because of this. I have been with him for three years, married since June, and think I really want an enollment (sp?). I know that guys and girls are different, but I could never imagine that anyone in their right mind would do something so hurtful. I just found out that the kid I am carrying is dead, I have to go to work, and he's at home on the computer jacking off to someone else!!!!























Please respond and tell me if it is just me and I am wrong, or if I am right and there is no reason he should be doing this at this very depressing time (at least for me)

Thank You,
Love Mary


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

First, I am so sorry for your incredible loss! You must be feeling super terrible and super sensitive lately.
You have a right to be upset with your husband, especially if this has been an issue in the past. However, what comes to mind is that Maybe not the best method, but it porobably allowed him some escape from a real, horrible pain. I know you're very upset about this, but I think your dh needs you to be there so you can help each other with your griefs. Maybe attend some sort of loss group together?







s to you both


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

Im so sorry for your loss...we are on this earth for many reasons...give yourself time to heal, and the space to do that...time heals...if this addiction is causing issues for you , you need to work on that , or let him know this and go from there...**hugs** you can instant message me um_hanna on yahoo and wahm2hanyas on aol...im usually up late hours








heather


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## JLav (Mar 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and I'm so sorry you are feeling betrayed by your spouse. You have every right to be hurt and disappointed in your husband. I would talk to him about going to couples or group therapy before talking to him about an annulment. Everyone deals with stress and grief differently...like the PP said, he was probably trying to disconnect from reality for a bit. I can totally understand being hurt that he didn't take your feelings into account, especially since this has been an ongoing issue for you. Though it would most likely be difficult, try to be gentle with him when you talk to him about it. He has lost his child too and if you are angry he will most likely just get defensive. Porn can be an addiction, just like alcohol or smoking...we are most vulnerable to our addictions when we are going through a hard time.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If you need to talk send me a pm.
Jessica


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