# Comments about our new baby...



## luvmy2girls (Dec 23, 2006)

So, I'm hoping someone has btdt and is going to "get" what I'm saying here. I just had my 3rd child, a beautiful baby boy. My first two children are girls. I CANNOT STAND when people see us out & about and make comments like the one my DH & I received today, "Oh, finally a boy. Now that you got your man-child, you can be done, huh?" This was an acquaintance of my DH- well, actually a client (DH owns a local business). And yes, he actually used the word "man-child."

Not only do I not appreciate the fact that he said this in front of my girls, which implies that we basically had them to bide our time while we waited to have a boy, it also implies on a more global level that boys are better than girls. I won't sink to the level of the people who make these comments, esp. not in front of my kids, but I would like to have a handy one-liner in my back pocket on such occasions (more to show my daughters that I don't appreciate their implications, intentional or unintentional).

Anyone have something that doesn't come off as too catty/immature, but gets the point across maturely? I thought about something like, "No, we always planned to have 3 children."


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## Ellen Griswold (Feb 27, 2008)

"Man-child"? Not only do I find that insulting, but ridiculous too. Isn't that what they called Tarzan?

Frankly, it IS easier to be catty or snarky, but I do like your comment. I don't have any suggestions to add, but HAD to comment on the man-child thing.


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## luvmy2girls (Dec 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellen Griswold* 
"Man-child"? Not only do I find that insulting, but ridiculous too. Isn't that what they called Tarzan?

Frankly, it IS easier to be catty or snarky, but I do like your comment. I don't have any suggestions to add, but HAD to comment on the man-child thing.


Thanks for at least making me feel validated. I talked to my sister on the phone and she thinks I'm being WAAAY too sensitive. Of course, my sister has one child, a boy.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls

maybe you could use a deflection like "yes, DD1 and DD2 are fabulous big sisters; DS1 simply adores them" which stops the "man child" ridiculousness and puts the focus back on your girls

my DD and I are of different ethnicities and I use this technique when someone says something boneheaded to us


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## anywaybecause (Jul 9, 2008)

Especially in light of the "man-child" (what!?!?) comment, I would take the snarky route, and say something like, "Nope! We plan to keep on going until he has a little brother to pal around with."

Since I had twins, I used to get the "instant family" comment. Idiots are everywhere.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

We have six sons and we get exactly the same (well the opposite really  )! "Oh, you must be trying for a girl!" or "Six BOYS!" (and then a comment implying that it must be terrible! AARRRGGGHHHHH!

I think the sex of the person making the comment is relevant. I find that men think it is great that we have so many boys and women think it is awful!

(((HUGS))) I wish I could find an easy answer to these people to just point out to them how ridiculous they are, but I haven't found one, yet!


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## BugMacGee (Aug 18, 2006)

I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"

















Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!

Seriously.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I've just started to get some of these comments, "hoping this one is a boy". I have two girls, and am pg with #3. Since we won't know until baby is born, I just say that we are hoping for a third girl.


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## bmcneal (Nov 12, 2006)

What?!?! "Man-child"? I agree with a pp that said sadly, some people *do* think it's "better" to have male children.







I don't have any suggestions on what to say, but I just wanted to offer







People say some insensitive/crazy stuff sometimes. A lot of people, upon finding out we are expecting a boy, say stuff like "Oh, now you have the perfect little family."







: (First was a DD.) I don't know what to say to people either, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone with people saying stupid stuff.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

You know, when I just had two (a girl and a boy) I had people to tell me I was crazy for wanting more "Why would you want to mess up a perfect set?"

It seems strange to me for people to assume that everyone believes that the "perfect family" must contain at least one of each sex.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Oh. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I had DS1 prior to meeting DH. DH and I had DD first. I cannot tell you how many people asked me, "Is your husband dissapointed?" "Oh, I'll bet he wanted a boy huh?" etc. DH got MAD and said, "Hey, you are talking about my DAUGHTER!" I got it the other way, "oh, you got your girl huh?" And when I was pg. with DS2 it was, "Well, since C finally got his boy, you can stop now" or the teasing, "Oh, so you CAN make a boy" or to me, "a boy huh? Too bad" (from women). And "So youre done now right?" me: "um no..." them in utter shock, "but you have a boy and a girl!" When I was pg but before we knew my mom said even though she wanted another girl, she was glad dh was getting "his" boy so we would stop now.

But people think this, becuase people are like this. My step sister wanted a girl so bad...the day she found out it was boy number two (and they had agreed no more, mostdays I dont think they even like kids and was really surprised they had another) she was so mad AT THE BABY,that she told me she was going to beat him to make sure he didnt turn out as bad as her first son. Wow.

Anyway I just handle it when asked what we want by saying "A baby". Or field the other insulting comments with, "We just want a healthy baby, we dont care what the gender is".

I also feel this attitude is sending a message to girls that they arent "enough". And thats very sad. Yes, those comments make it seem like you had to keep having babies until you got the "right" one. That is an awful thing to say, espeically in front of your girls! Problem with comebacks, you cant use one that turns the insult around, cuz you dont want to insult your ds either! Maybe you could say, "Actually we were really hoping for a chimpanzee, we're very disapointed...." or look shocked and exclaim, "This is a boy??! Hold on, I have to call the hospital...."


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BugMacGee* 
I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"

















Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!

Seriously.

A horse??? Now that is a good response.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I'm PG, and we found out gender this time around. I let it slip at work, and have gotten at least 3 idiot comments about DH must be disappointed (Nope, he's THRILLED! Loves his Daddy's Girl and is totally looking forward to another girl), or Are you going to keep trying - I haven't even HAD this kid yet!

I answer back with a grumpy "Females have value!"


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## VBMama (Jan 6, 2004)

I don't know why people do this either, but it doesn't seem to matter what gender the first 2 are. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me, in front of my darling two boys, "Oh, you *finally* got your girl!" Oh yeah, these other two here, they don't matter, just had to take them as they came along before the girl.







: Ticks me off and makes me worried my boys will get their feelings hurt.


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## springbabes (Aug 23, 2003)

I have 4 kids and my third child is my only boy so I totally get what you're saying. When I was pregnant with my DS and when he was a baby all the "You finally got a boy--third time's the charm!" comments got rather tiring.

One of the more annoying comments happened last summer when I left DS at home with DH and went to the mall with my 3 DDs. A man doing Tarot readings tried to get me interested by saying, "I know what you want to ask the cards--when am I ever going to have a boy?" This was right in front of my 3 beautiful daughters. I just don't know how anyone thinks that kind of comment is acceptable. And since I do have a son, some psychic that guy turned out to be







.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

How about something along the lines of 'No? Why would it make any difference that he's a boy?' as in 'duh, what a stupid thing to say, I'm so confused!'


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

"We really wanted a siberian tiger, but babies are cheaper"?


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luvmy2girls* 
So, I'm hoping someone has btdt and is going to "get" what I'm saying here. I just had my 3rd child, a beautiful baby boy. My first two children are girls. I CANNOT STAND when people see us out & about and make comments like the one my DH & I received today, "Oh, finally a boy. Now that you got your man-child, you can be done, huh?" ."

Me!! Me!!








I had 3 kids in 3.5 years ... two girls and then a boy. I had the same comments, but the one that got the prize for me was from a _friend_, "I'm so lucky I got one of each. I don't have to keep having more."








I just explained how I wanted 3 children, it didn't matter what gender they were, I was NOT trying for a boy, I would have loved another girl.
I went on to explain how I felt every girl should have a sister (I don't) and that I felt sorry for her daughter because without a sister she will be all alone in the world. I love my brother but it's not the same as having a sister. She was silent.

No advice, but you can really shock people by acting disappointed and saying "I wanted ALL girls". Of course, that's awful and not true, but it shuts people up.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

I get the same thing in reverse, two boys and then a girl. Everyone assumes we're done since we "finally"







: got a girl. It's ridiculous. It was worse being pregnant and getting the "are you hoping for a girl?" question all.the.time.

I usually just mutter somethinglike, "Yes, ALL of my children are such blessings to me..." or the like, and I like to say, "I dunno, we're really, *really* good at it!" when we get the "now that you got a girl, you must be done?"


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## Meg_s (Apr 13, 2006)

I'm just commiserating. I'll admit I really really REALLY wanted a girl, and I got 2 boys. Believe me, I'm not complaining about my boys I love them to death and I am probably finished having kids... I'm so in love with my sons. But so many people are ecstatic that I have boys, oh god I wouldn't want a girl they're so horrible, their attitudes! boys are so much easier and on and on and on.. it makes me so angry for the girl I never had. And for the girls out there who are just like someone said fillers until these people get their boys. It just gets my back up.


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## pantufla (Jun 7, 2007)

I am really good at dead-pan comments, so when people say stupid things to me about the sex of my children I say things like, "Well, we were really hoping for puppies this time..." A friend of mine asked me "Did you get your girl yet?"







: I played dumb. "Huh? What are you talking about?" He said, "Weren't you trying for a girl?" I said, "Well, frankly, we weren't trying at all." (This baby is uh, a surprise.







)

Stupid comments get snark, in my world.

I get asked if we know the sex of the baby ALL the time. Except, people say, "Do you know what it is yet?" My standard response is "Well, we're pretty sure it's a baby..."

"Are you hoping for a girl?" "We're hoping for a healthy baby."


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## Onemagicmummy (Jul 27, 2007)

i have had this before a bunch of times. i have 4 kids, boy, girl, boy, girl. after my first girl i was TOLD to stop by my mum, i was TOLD i should stop by strangers cos i have "one of each" i was happy to have jsut two, but by the time i made that decision i was all ready pregnant with my 3rd. when i found he was a boy i was happy. when i had DD2 i wanted another boy, as soon as i saw her scan and found she was a girl i want for oh i really want a boy, to Woo Hoo its a girl happy happy joy joy, another daughter, a sister for DD1, how wonderfull. i was so happy, when my mum found out her first words were "are you not disapointed" err no, i have my two girls (i was so desperate for a boy because i lost DD1's twin at 11 weeks gestation and i had it in my head that if DD1 couldnt have her twin she should be the only girl. i sharp changed that thought)

we are going to be TTC again after chirstmas, whats the betting i will get comments alonghte lines of

"are you crazy" my answer "yes, crazy about my kids, so crazy about them i just had to have more" or if i am especially annoyed "i think the proper response jsut now should of been "Congratulations""
"dont you have a TV" My Answer "well yes i have 3, and a pc, playstation, Wii, game boy, and i crochet, spin, and i enjoy reading too, why?"
"your fond of a treat" My Answer " well i do like chocolate"
"do you want a boy or a girl" My Answer " well as i have 2 of each i want a what ever comes out"
"what does your husband think" My answer "i dunno ask him"

it crazy that people think they actualy have the right to comment on other people families. a simple "oh thats lovely" or "oh how sweet" is enough.

Kiz


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I don't think it implies that someone thinks that a boy is better than a girl. I think when people make this comment they are making it because it seems like (to them) that you were in fact trying for a boy since you had all girls and finally had a boy.







They probably figure you were happy to have a boy this time around since you've only experienced girls thus far.

I've known pregnant women who have said themselves that they were trying for the opposite sex after having three girls in a row or two boys in a row. They will openly admit they want the opposite sex and be crushed if they don't have it. And, I will admit when I see someone with all boys or all girls and they have like 4 or 5 of the same sex child - I usually figure they're wanting the other sex.







I'm sorry I think that but I've met other people who think the same thing. I don't mean anything by it.

As far as the comment the guy made - I think most people just don't think before speaking. It was rude for the guy to say that to you. I might think one thing in my mind but I'd never make a comment to someone to their face. That would be incredibly rude.


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## bmcneal (Nov 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BugMacGee* 
I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

*"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse???* Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"

















Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!

Seriously.









Maybe because I'm tired... but when I read that, my mental image was a woman getting a scan/having the baby, the MW/OB/DP saying "It's a (insert gender here)!" And the mama saying "What?! Not a horse? Have to keep trying."









Quote:


Originally Posted by *pantufla* 
I am really good at dead-pan comments, so when people say stupid things to me about the sex of my children I say things like, "Well, we were really hoping for puppies this time..." A friend of mine asked me "Did you get your girl yet?"







: I played dumb. "Huh? What are you talking about?" He said, "Weren't you trying for a girl?" I said, "Well, frankly, we weren't trying at all." (This baby is uh, a surprise.







)

Stupid comments get snark, in my world.

*I get asked if we know the sex of the baby ALL the time. Except, people say, "Do you know what it is yet?" My standard response is "Well, we're pretty sure it's a baby..."*

"Are you hoping for a girl?" "We're hoping for a healthy baby."


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## Blucactus (Nov 20, 2006)

I had a boy first, and when I was pregnant with my second there were MANY people around us (including in our families) who made no effort to hide the fact they wanted a girl this time. Too bad. I had another son and I was delighted. Just wanted to point out that it works both ways. *shrug*

ETA: Congrats on your new baby, OP! I don't think you're being too sensitive, I think ppl making those comments are being too INsensitive...I think it's normal as a mama to be protective of your children when comments like that are said around them...You never want them to feel the pain of thinking that perhaps they were loved or wanted less bc of their gender.


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## larzanna (Jan 23, 2008)

I think that most people say what it is that THEY would want. So its not about one of each, some people want boys, others girls, others one of each and some really don't care. For me if i saw a person with 3+ boys, i would for sure be THINKING that i would never want that, and truthfully be too scared of getting another boy to even try again (ha that might shut em' up as long as the kids arn't in ear shot) The difference is that i would NEVER comment on somone else kid situation. Other people don't seem to have that frontal lobe control as much.









-L


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Learning_Mum* 
How about something along the lines of 'No? Why would it make any difference that he's a boy?' as in 'duh, what a stupid thing to say, I'm so confused!'









:

Where I live it seems to be common that everyone wants a 'pidgeon pair' ie. a boy & a girl.







: I didn't want to know the sex of my baby when I was pregnant, so why should it be anyone's business after the birth. I did try to be diplomatic about it, though....


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

After ds was born, we got a lot of the "oh, you have your boy and your girl," implying that we must be done. I said, "No, actually, we have our boy room and our girl room. Now we'll just keep piling them in."

If I had 2 of one and was getting comments about trying for the other, I think I'd say something like, "Oh, no, ALL my children are special!"


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

I have three boys and then a girl.. I get those comments all the time, too.

We ( the boys and I) usually giggle as bit, but none of us really care. Sometimes I'll look at the boys and say something like " yeah... these boys are AWFUL... I wish I could trade them in"... while looking at the boys.. then we all sort of snicker..


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls


why??? what is the history behind that? i've seen so much of it, especially from older generations. i don't get the "carrying on the name" thing or any of that. and if DH's mother insists BOTH my boys look EXACTLY like her boys one.more.time....


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## heidirk (Oct 19, 2007)

when I was pg with ds1 a male mw said, 'you know what uo're having?' I said, "human I hope!" He actually laughed, and said no more about it.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Well, i know for us, we would like to have at least one of each, which would mean that as long as we can afford more children, we will keep having more until that happens. we have a boy now, and we love him and would love another boy, but we would also love to have a little girl. sometimes these comments, although they are annoying, may be coming from that point of view and not a "boys are better than girls" pov.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BugMacGee* 
I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"

















Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!

Seriously.

Oh man, that cracks me up. I have two girls, 16 months apart and I STILL get comments about it. I had this one lady ask me I was going to "keep going" (like I am the damn energizer battery bunny) and I said no our family is complete. She kept insisting and I finally said "Lady, I had an emergency hysterectomy after the birth of the second girl so NO we are not having any more. Would you like my complete medical history or is this enough for you?"







: Yep, idiots are out there lurking around every corner.


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luvmy2girls* 
So, I'm hoping someone has btdt and is going to "get" what I'm saying here. I just had my 3rd child, a beautiful baby boy. My first two children are girls. I CANNOT STAND when people see us out & about and make comments like the one my DH & I received today, "Oh, finally a boy. Now that you got your man-child, you can be done, huh?"

How rude! I can honestly say nobody has ever said anything like that to me.







:


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

We have a boy and a girl and I am *constantly* getting the "Oh, a perfect family" comments, like 2 boys or 2 girls would have been devastating to us. Some people.

Maybe next time someone calls them a 'perfect set', I'll say "Oh yes, they look so nice hung up on my wall."


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## Logan's mommy (Jan 19, 2007)

When I was preggo with ds2 and still working I took my sono into work yo show (we had an uncooperative babe and didn't know we were having a boy until birth.) the joke at work was that I was having a dinosaur. One of my co-workers asked me what I was hoping for. I said "I'm hoping for a baby." I just would tell people that all I really wanted was a healthy baby, boy or girl. Now that I have 2 boys I guess I should be waiting for such comments about wanting a girl. We don't know if we're done yet (ds2 is only 8 weeks old) and I would like a girl, but I wouldn't be dissapointed if I were to have another boy.


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## Logan's mommy (Jan 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
Maybe next time someone calls them a 'perfect set', I'll say "Oh yes, they look so nice hung up on my wall."


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## mollusk (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meg_s* 
I'm just commiserating. I'll admit I really really REALLY wanted a girl, and I got 2 boys. Believe me, I'm not complaining about my boys I love them to death and I am probably finished having kids... I'm so in love with my sons. But so many people are ecstatic that I have boys, oh god I wouldn't want a girl they're so horrible, their attitudes! boys are so much easier and on and on and on.. it makes me so angry for the girl I never had. And for the girls out there who are just like someone said fillers until these people get their boys. It just gets my back up.

People said that to me--Oh you must be so happy you had a boy, boys are great. Girls are too much.
How odd to listen to a woman saying that the female gender is "too much".
What does that even mean? ugh!


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls
I think just as many people think girls are better. I have noticed that almost everyone I know who's gotten pregnant within the last 3-4 years has openly wished for a girl. I don't understand any of it. I would have been thrilled with either, and still would be.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

meh. We have all girls in our family, we get the "you dad must be ..... from having all girls" Its just small talk. I think you may have taken the "man-child" comment further then it was intended. (IDK how it was said tho.) I know I call people's children strange things in jest. Jellybean, he-beast, Micro(Your first name).


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## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

This drives me nuts. *Everyone* seems to assume that I want/need (yes, need!, I've been told that) a girl this time since I already have a boy at home.

The truth is when I got pregnant I didn't care, and then I started getting really strong boy feelings again and now I'll have some adjusting to do if a girl pops out







(I'll be thrilled







I'll just be surprised as well).

I am loving the thought of two boys. And after this one if I have another dozen boys that will be great too







and if the next one is a girl that is also perfect









It bothers me that other people project on my family what would make our family perfect...


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

My favorite reply to "Do you know what you're having?" is, "Well, dh thinks its a baby, but I'm hoping for a PUPPY!"


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

It's not about a particular gender. I have three boys andp eople assume my second and third sons were "failed attempts" at getting "our girl".







It drives me nuts, especially because they always say it in front of my boys.









OTOH, there are also those commenters that say "Oh, you're so lucky to have boys. Girls are horrible to raise."

I wish people would keep those kinds of thought to themselves.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

people just say stupid insensitive things.

you should hear some of the stuff people said when i had a miscarriage, or to my friend who lost a baby at birth. just breath taking in the scope of it's stupidity.

i wouldn't take it personal, people just open their mouths to just say something, anything, and then most amazingly thoughtless things spill out.

he probably thought he was being funny. my best friend from childhood is one of 4 girls and you wouldn't believe the things that were said to her baby sister. so sad, i do think it affected her in a very negative way.

it's always nice to have snappy comebacks memorized, so that you can manage to say something when you are just reeling from the idiotic thing someone just muttered.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Many of my friends who have been pregnant recently had a gender preference-- most wanted boys. Also, I know of two families who had all boys who were open about wanting a girl-- one family so much so that everyone in the delivery room knew about it and started shrieking when they finally had one. So some people are probably just projecting their own desires, you know? FWIW, I have seen this equally (and with equal nastiness) regarding both genders.
Some posters have said this makes no sense to them, they would not care if they only had children of one gender. On the one hand, of course this is true-- healthy, happy children of either gender are the most important thing. However, I know that my mom has had very different relationships with her sons than her daughters, and I know she is happy to have been able to experience both sides. That seems like a pretty normal desire to me.









It *is* rude for people to inquire about this, especially in front of the children.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Yes, I have to say that I strongly wanted a girl. I have three sisters, so I "know" girls, and I really wanted the experience of having a daughter. Dh and I knew we were having an only, so it felt like we only had one shot, yk?









That said:
1) I would NEVER imply that another family should WANT a child of a different sex, as though the one(s) they have are not sufficient.
2) I would NEVER assume that because, pre-pregnancy, I had a desire for a particular gender, that anyone else would share that desire and/or want some sort of gender parity among their only children
3) I'm sure, obviously, that had I had a boy, I would have been ecstatic, because he would have been my child and, once he was there, I wouldn't be able to imagine having it any other way

BTW, if we were having more kids, I love the idea of having a whole pack of girls (or boys). I think there's something really appealing--not sure why--about families with many kids of the same gender.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

People will always find reasons to make stupid comments no matter what!!! Just ignore them.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

I also have 2 girls and then a boy. I get a ton of idiotic comments as well. The worst ones are usually from friends and family. My grandmother was just so pleased that I gave DH a son, like somehow it was a present from me to him? Excuse me?? She then commented that we have such a perfect family and that we're done now with having children. I responded with "Oh, no Mimi, we're not done having children! Besides DS needs a brother you know!" She then said "but you'll stop at 4 right?" and I told her we were going to have 18 and be on TV like the Duggars. I haven't heard any more comments from her since then about our family size.

Seriously though, my heart is telling me I want 5 children. DH doesn't like to plan more than 1 child in the future though so we'll have #4 and then see how he feels. However many girls or boys we end up with will be up to God to figure out, we'll take them.

Just wanted to add that I've BTDT. I usually respond to ppl with "Oh, we weren't trying for anything, this little guy was a surprise!" If they continue on or make some rude comment about birth control I typically reply with "Well, my husband just can't keep his hands off me, you know." That usually stops them in their tracks.

Beth


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

My sister is pg with number 4, she has 3 boys already everyone is convinced that the only reason she is pg again is because she wants a girl, also I too, get the comments about a complete family 1 girl 1 boy and how I mustn't have any more or want any more, but little do they know that I have endured 2 miscarriages and these comments are very hurtful to us all. I want more kids because I would like a bigger family, I have no preference for the sex I love both.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I think that it's easy to be a bit overly sensitive about things like this (just like I will openly admit that I'm overly sensitive to comments about only children, since my dd is an only!) I think that I'd make a point of mentioning it to your dds and how you're so happy to have each of them for who they are-- but I'd also try not to take it as some heavy insult or anything more than small talk, really. People want to talk, the new baby is an obvious choice of conversation topics-- the gender is probably just something that's obviously different and so people comment on it as a way of making conversation. I doubt that they mean to project anything negative at all- and I think that, unless someone has a strikingly snarky tone or something, it might benefit everyone's spirits to give folks the benefit of the doubt.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

Some posters have said this makes no sense to them, they would not care if they only had children of one gender. On the one hand, of course this is true-- healthy, happy children of either gender are the most important thing. However, I know that my mom has had very different relationships with her sons than her daughters, and I know she is happy to have been able to experience both sides. That seems like a pretty normal desire to me.
I was one who said they didn't understand it. Maybe that's not the right way to put it. I don't think people who want to experience both are bad people. But I've had miscarriages, have a child with special needs, and have secondary infertility. I understand superficially wanting to experience raising both genders, but not caring so much to the point that you'd be actively disappointed even after your child is born. I truly have no gender preference and would gladly take three more girls, or boys, or both, I have absolutely no preference for either- I can sort of understand why some people do, but not to the extent that they would complain about either. IMO, that's taking your children for granted. To me, having kids should be about wanting to provide a good life to another person and having a wonderful relationship, not projecting your own selfish desires and living vicariously through preconceived gender ideals. That sounds a lot angrier than I mean it to







Like I said, it's fine to want what you want, as long as it doesn't affect your actual relationship or treatment of your child, which for some people it really does. My MIL was the fourth of five girls, and believe me, they suffered for not being boys.


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## babysnyder'smommy (Jan 20, 2008)

My DH and I have chose to have one child and we made that clear to everyone! When we found out we were having a girl everyone kept saying "doesn't Josh want a son to carry on the name?" or "you guys are probably going to change your mind so Josh can have a boy"

My DH would not have it any other way, and he tells people that!!


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## fancyoats (Jun 12, 2008)

to the OP: honestly, i probably would have assumed it was a (failed) attempt at a joke. who says "man-child" unless they are trying to be funny? but i wasn't there, maybe it was snide.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I have 2 boys and constantly get, "are you going to try for a girl?" Right after having my second, people made so many comments about how now we'll have to try for a girl. We tried for our children, not a particular sex.

Now that we're done with our 2 boys, people act so disapointed that we won't "try one more time for a girl"


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## amnda527 (Aug 6, 2006)

Ya know, what I really can't stand is that other people have their "choices" for what they want you to have. I'm newly pregnant, and I already have a girl. My mom, and one of my friends are both "rooting" for a boy this time. My mom started calling this baby her grandson weeks ago.







I feel like slapping them.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls

maybe you could use a deflection like "yes, DD1 and DD2 are fabulous big sisters; DS1 simply adores them" which stops the "man child" ridiculousness and puts the focus back on your girls

my DD and I are of different ethnicities and I use this technique when someone says something boneheaded to us

Except that girls are actually more desired than boys. There's a longer wait to adopt a girl, and most gender-swaying technologies are in favour of girls. And yet you get people thinking that boys are more desired. Weird, hey?


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

OP, I'm sorry -- it does suck when people say thoughtless, potentially hurtful things in front of our kids.

On one hand, I agree with those who have said that these comments aren't usually intended to demean one gender or the other universally -- I think that most people who make such comments would say those things whether you had 2 boys or 2 girls already -- they just assume that everyone wants one of each.

But on the other hand, our first child was a boy, and honestly there was this weird undercurrent, never really spoken aloud but just hinted at, that we had fulfilled our procreational duty. People would just say stuff obliquely, like, "Oh good, you got your boy first!" as though the sex of our next child didn't matter because at least we had created a Boy.







: So I think there may still be some subconscious undercurrent of the whole "carry on the family name" thing.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wannabe* 
Except that girls are actually more desired than boys. There's a longer wait to adopt a girl, and most gender-swaying technologies are in favour of girls. And yet you get people thinking that boys are more desired. Weird, hey?

Where? In the U.S.? Because girls being more desired than boys certainly isn't a global truth -- think of how many girl children have been murdered/cast aside in China so that her parents could replace her with a boy.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

We have 6 kids and I'm expecting (due date only in July and we're not planning to find out the sex) and whenever people ask my dh if we are trying for a girl he says: "Well, if it is a girl then we'll have to work on balancing things: 6 of each sound GREAT! Actually 12 of any sex sounds great!" That normal causes their jaws to drop and then we just change the topic!


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wannabe* 
Except that girls are actually more desired than boys. There's a longer wait to adopt a girl, and most gender-swaying technologies are in favour of girls. And yet you get people thinking that boys are more desired. Weird, hey?

I don't think the very small percentage of parents who adopt are indicative of attitudes of the larger population. My experience is that most parents who come to adoption after infertility have a variety of concerns/issues/experiences/whathaveyou that influence their gender preference. I'm no anthropologist, but offhand I can't think of a country or culture that prizes girl babies over boy babies. Maybe there are a couple of unique examples?


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
You know, when I just had two (a girl and a boy) I had people to tell me I was crazy for wanting more "Why would you want to mess up a perfect set?"

It seems strange to me for people to assume that everyone believes that the "perfect family" must contain at least one of each sex.

I get the same thing. First two kids are a boy and a girl at the apparently "perfect" spacing of 2 years apart. Now, that I'm having #3 I hear things like "so this one was an accident, huh?" (!) and "why go and ruin a perfect family" (!)

Some people are just idiots.


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## guestmama9915 (Jul 29, 2004)

...


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:

I understand superficially wanting to experience raising both genders, but not caring so much to the point that you'd be actively disappointed even after your child is born. I truly have no gender preference and would gladly take three more girls, or boys, or both, I have absolutely no preference for either- I can sort of understand why some people do, but not to the extent that they would complain about either. IMO, that's taking your children for granted.
I don't even know how many miscarriages I've had because I stopped counting, at least 12, so I definitely don't take my kids for granted, but I still desperately want a girl this time, as does h. So much so, that we tried gender swaying for the last 3 pregnancies. This one finally stuck & we really hope it's a girl (little monkey wouldn't let us find out at the ultrasound). Doesn't mean we don't love our boys & wouldn't love another one if that's what this baby turns out be, but we will both be extremely disappointed if this isn't a girl. I never even remotely imagined I'd end up with one boy, much less 2.

OP, I think he was probably trying to be funny & it backfired. Not cool to say in front of your dds.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

OP, I think your daughters just got an object lesson in why feminism is important. At the same time, I had my boys first and you wouldn't believe how many people offended my sons by saying stupid stuff about mummy's little princess and all that crap. Some people just require surgery to get their feet out of their mouths and that's all there is to it.

Oh, and you wouldn't believe how many people look at my beautiful son (who more or less perpetually wears navy blue or boy colours) and say oh, so you have two boys, two girls then? That bugs me.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Mum told me yesterday that when B, my little sister (Mum's fourth daughter) was born by emergency C-section, Mum woke up to a nurse saying sadly "Oh, you had another girl". Mum thought from her tone that something had gone horribly wrong--like B dying!--but no, the nurse was just sad that she wasn't a boy!

Mum went on to have two more daughters, incidentally.







Yes, we've gotten comments...

I have to say, though, it never offended me as a kid to hear the 'trying for a boy' comments. I think it never occurred to me to feel threatened--our family was close, and I had the natural childhood huge ego which knew my parents couldn't possibly have gotten a better deal than ME. Naturally.







So I just thought the commenters were a fraction stupid... no major psychological harm done.


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## SuzanneDeAz (Dec 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MOMYS* 
We have six sons and we get exactly the same (well the opposite really  )! "Oh, you must be trying for a girl!" or "Six BOYS!" (and then a comment implying that it must be terrible! AARRRGGGHHHHH!

I think the sex of the person making the comment is relevant. I find that men think it is great that we have so many boys and women think it is awful!

(((HUGS))) I wish I could find an easy answer to these people to just point out to them how ridiculous they are, but I haven't found one, yet!

So do you think that women with children of one sex is more open to have more children so she can get a child of the opposite sex?







:


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## SuzanneDeAz (Dec 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaskyla* 
I don't even know how many miscarriages I've had because I stopped counting, at least 12, so I definitely don't take my kids for granted, but I still desperately want a girl this time, as does h. So much so, that we tried gender swaying for the last 3 pregnancies. This one finally stuck & we really hope it's a girl (little monkey wouldn't let us find out at the ultrasound). Doesn't mean we don't love our boys & wouldn't love another one if that's what this baby turns out be, but we will both be extremely disappointed if this isn't a girl. I never even remotely imagined I'd end up with one boy, much less 2.

OP, I think he was probably trying to be funny & it backfired. Not cool to say in front of your dds.


So do you know yet if your are about to have a girl or a boy?


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## KaliShanti (Mar 23, 2008)

Yeah, people are weird like that. When we found out we were having a boy, my Dh got comments such as, "I bet your glad you got your boy!" Like if we had a daughter he wouldn't be happy? Weird.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

My reply would be "All children are precious, boys or girls. Wouldn't you agree?"


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## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

I would say "oh no we aren't Done yet. WE make beautiful babies don't ya think?" And wink at my kids. LOL.

I got that after two. I had a boy and a girl. One of each. I miscarried my third baby and then we had Erin. I was just so thankful she was healthy! I could have smacked my fil when we announced it and he said, "well you have one of each, what more could you want? and "well we know what causes THAT."

Yes we do and we WANTED more. Genuinely WANTED more. Ppl really struggle with that concept.

My sister has 3 boys and she gets the same baloney. We are just happy with what we got.

I guess these ppl didn't learn "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit in preschool."









I would like to have had another one, but my health won't allow it.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

You never know what you're going to get from people, eh?

We have two dds, and while I never got any comments while preggo the second time, it became obvious that my FIL wanted a grandson shortly after dd2 was born.

He'd make jokes about 'I read in the paper that women who eat breakfast cereal have boys' or make remarks to dh about not holding his laptop on top of 'his boys'









I completely ignore it.

My paternal grandmother gave birth to eight boys. People constantly asked if they were trying for a girl. She was honestly baffled - she said that if she didn't love and want her boys so much, did people not assume they would stop?


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkymamajoy* 
I get the same thing. First two kids are a boy and a girl at the apparently "perfect" spacing of 2 years apart. Now, that I'm having #3 I hear things like "so this one was an accident, huh?" (!) and "why go and ruin a perfect family" (!)

Some people are just idiots.

I have two boys and am pg with baby #3. I have only told family so far about my pregnancy, BUT just about everyone has asked the, "was this an accident or were you trying" question. I find it kind of annoying. I am sure that soon they will switch over to the, "you must want a girl" comments, which is true, I would love to have a girl, but really another boy would be just fine as well. I wish that ppl would just see the positive in the situation. Whenever, I find out that someone is having a boy or girl, I try to say something positive about it, instead of making a negative comment about the different sex of their children.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

People say that whether you have had all girls or all boys. Its rude.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

As you can see in my siggy, I will soon be the very proud and happy mom to my third daughter (and last child.) People were ugly when they found out that this baby was a girl. Because there was such a big age difference between dd1 & 2, and because dd1 is from a previous relationship and dd2 is by my dh, it was like it was "ok" to have another girl b/c it was like "starting over." Well, now that I'm pg again, people were open with telling me that THEY wanted me to have a boy, I "needed" a boy, etc. I was on the phone w/ my dh crying after calling everybody to let them know what I was having b/c the comments were not at all supportive.

I'm perfectly happy with all girls. It's what I know and am used to.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

From the sound of it I don't think he meant that boys are better than girls. He probably just meant then you would have both genders and get the best of both worlds.

We're having our second boy and plan to have at least one more, and yes, I hope I have a girl next. Not because I think girls are better than boys, but because I want both.

It sounds like he was kinda rude the way he said it, but I really don't think he meant anything by it.


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## LivingforGod (Jul 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anywaybecause* 
Especially in light of the "man-child" (what!?!?) comment, I would take the snarky route, and say something like, "Nope! We plan to keep on going until he has a little brother to pal around with."

Since I had twins, I used to get the "instant family" comment. Idiots are everywhere.

" Idiots are everywhere" sure made me laugh and I bet that would be enough to make them feel pretty stupid for even opening their mouth! lol


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VBMama* 
I don't know why people do this either, but it doesn't seem to matter what gender the first 2 are. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me, in front of my darling two boys, "Oh, you *finally* got your girl!" Oh yeah, these other two here, they don't matter, just had to take them as they came along before the girl.







: Ticks me off and makes me worried my boys will get their feelings hurt.

ITA. I don't think the gender has anything to do with it. If you have girls, stupid people make comments about getting 'your' boy. If you have boys, same stupid people make comments about getting 'your' girl.

Some people are just stupid, that's all.

I had the same thing when I had ds after my girls. I would just look at people as if they were crazy and were talking nonsense. If my girls were there, I'd quickly correct them and say that we'd have been equally delighted with another girl, which we would have been.

As I say, some people are just stupid.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

I would hesitate to use it in front of my kids, but I'd be tempted to tell the guy
"No, actually. We were hoping for another wonderful girl. We're a little dissapointed, but he's cute so we'll keep him"


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

yeah, we have 3 girls and then a boy, and people say that ALL THE TIME. I can't go in public without people saying that. If we didn't have four kids already, I would almost consider having another just to prove that we didn't keep trying till we got a boy.


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## ~*Jackie*~ (Dec 28, 2008)

Ew, I'm sorry you had to deal with those ridiculous comments. I have 1 dd and we just found out that this baby is also a girl. I was talking about my kiddos and said that we'll have 4 or 5 and someone (can't remember who, a co-worker) said, "Oh so you're going to try for that boy?". My usual comment is "I just love kids, I do not care what sex they are."...... the snarkier side of, "A kid is a kid whether they have a penis or not. I don't care what sex it is."

It's very frustrating, but gender stereotyping runs rampant and the more I learn about it the more I notice it.


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Eh, people are odd about the gender thing. I'm expecting my first, so you wouldn't automatically assume I wanted one or the other by virtue of having "one of each" or "some of each" but people still ask all the time, boy or girl, of course, to which I reply, I don't know, I'll find out in February! And then they never fail to ask, so which do you WANT? I suppose some people really do root for one or the other, with a first or a subsequent child, but honestly, if gender was that important to me, I probably would have gotten the gender ultrasound don't you think? I never know what to say, it's like they are asking an either/or question and the answer is neither.. or either one really!

Sorry you've had to put up with such comments.. people can be really ignorant..


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

My stock response for "Do you know what it is?/What are you hoping for?" is
"Well, I'm hoping for a baby, cuz the last one was a zebra, and the hooves tore the #$%# out of my vagina!"


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## Eresh (Jul 17, 2007)

Honestly, when we were first trying for DS, I not so secretly wanted a girl. Not because I didn't want a boy, but simply because I want a daughter at some point. At the ultrasounds, when we saw he was a boy, it took me all of about two seconds to get used to the idea. I absolutely adore DS and wouldn't change anything about him for the world.







I still would like a daughter at some point, though.

The "matched set" kind of amuses me. I have a brother almost exactly two years older than me so we got that "perfect family" thing a lot. Of course the people making comments like that didn't know about my oldest brother who died at 9 yrs.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

We had hoped at first that we would have a girl, and I admit to being kind of disappointed when I found out DS1 was a boy, but I certainly never dwelled on it. I accepted it and I was excited to be having a healthy baby. DS2 was a total surprise and a wonderful blessing because our oldest would have a brother to grow up with, and now they are best friends and totally inseparable. When we were TTC #3, we were again hoping for a girl, and we got her







But to be honest, if she had been a boy, we'd probably "try again" for our little girl. Sometimes I feel bad now knowing that DD won't likely have a sister unless by some miracle DH's vasectomy fails (he's already tested sterile) or we adopt a girl. But we are very happy with our family and wouldn't change the gender of any of our kids for anything.


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## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

My longtime girlfriend was pg w #3 after 2 boys. I knew she had wanted a girl w/ #1 and w/ #2 - even though she loves her boys. (She had been saving her favorite girly things for eons to give to her baby girl.) When she called me on the phone after her US to tell me (in a rather disappointed voice) that it would be, "my three sons" I replied with a very enthusiastic, "CONGRATULATIONS" and a more moderate, "... and I'm sorry, I know you were hoping for a girl. How are you feeling?"

That having been said, I'd never say anything like that in front of kids, or to someone I didn't know really, really, really well. I have 2 - 1 of each, and I get the "now you can be done" comment all the time and it irritates me. I want more and DH doesn't. If that comes up in public, people will actually say they could understand my wanting another if I had 2 of the same sex, but since I have one of each... well, what's the point? OI VEY!


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## luvmy2girls (Dec 23, 2006)

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmmsunshine* 
My longtime girlfriend was pg w #3 after 2 boys. I knew she had wanted a girl w/ #1 and w/ #2 - even though she loves her boys. (She had been saving her favorite girly things for eons to give to her baby girl.) When she called me on the phone after her US to tell me (in a rather disappointed voice) that it would be, "my three sons" I replied with a very enthusiastic, "CONGRATULATIONS" and a more moderate, "... and I'm sorry, I know you were hoping for a girl. How are you feeling?"

This is a much more considerate response. I'm not saying it's wrong to hope for one gender or another, or even to hope for the experience of raising each gender- that's normal. My post was more in regards to commenting in front of my DDs in a way that (to ME) sounded chauvinistic and rude. Interesting that people have different takes on it, and a lot might depend on your own family situation/make-up. All the more reason to carefully word your comments to ppl, kwim?


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what the perfect family is. And it usually isn't the one you actually have!
I remember being in a restaurant with DH and my boys, DS2 was just a week old. The hostess said something like "Aw that's too bad it's another boy. No girls for you!" I was hormonal enough to tell her what I thought of that, that I'd be happy with 5 boys, and who said we were not going to have any more? She backpeddaled by saying something about "well I guess if you're a good parent" and then said something about kids being so expensive. DH retorted that they are the best investment you can make.

But on a positive note, some older gentleman stopped me in the grocery store one day and said I had the million dollar family. I looked at him quizzically because generally that means one of each but he stated again that it's the million dollar family to have two boys. He had two boys and thought it was perfect


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

I like that response.


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## luvmy2girls (Dec 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Little grey mare* 
But on a positive note, some older gentleman stopped me in the grocery store one day and said I had the million dollar family. I looked at him quizzically because generally that means one of each but he stated again that it's the million dollar family to have two boys. He had two boys and thought it was perfect









That's a perfect story!


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## amj'smommy (Feb 24, 2005)

I'm pregnant with our 5th dc.... 4th in a row boy, our only dd is the oldest. I *ALWAYS* get the "trying for another girl" since pregnant with our second ds


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm expecting baby #2, another girl, and she will be our last - partially because we feel 2 is right for us, and partially because of my age (I'm 41.)

I get so many comments about how it's too bad we're not having a boy, and of course we'll HAVE to try again for a boy, but I was quite happy to hear we were having another girl. My dh was too. I'm sure if we were having a boy we'd be happy with that too, but we were both immediately happy when we heard she was a girl. Dh gets more of it than I do - people say, "Don't you want a boy to work on projects with you" etc. And he'll say that having a boy doesn't guarantee that, and there's no reason to assume a girl wouldn't like to work with tools.

Anyway, yes it's annoying, and worse so that people are saying it in front of your dds. They don't need to hear that.


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