# My intro (long)



## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

Hi everyone. I just wanted to tell you all about my beautiful little boy Ryan. I had a completely normal pg w/ him and delivered him by c section at 37 weeks. The first 2 days the doctors were a little concerned w/ his breathing, but they chalked it up to him being too early. (even though I *knew* when I got pg b/c I took Clomid). I was discharged home Thanksgiving day, and as we were pulling into the driveway, the hospital called us on the phone and said they were shipping him out to a children's hospital. When we got to the new hospital, they knew right away something was wrong w/ his heart, and they knew it was bad, but they didn't know how bad. I remember sitting there, as most families were gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner, wondering if my baby would live or die. It was an awful, awful feeling.

We were told he had aortic stenosis, but that hopefully they could fix it w/ a heart catheterization. They were successful in opening up the aortic valve, but they opened it too much so blood was flowing back up into his heart. He underwent another heart cath when he was 2 weeks, and then finally open heart surgery when he was 3 weeks. All along one ped cardiologist kept saying he had no doubt Ryan would live, he would be "normal", etc, while all the other doctors just shook their heads and said how very sorry they were. We should have known that PC was full of it, but we chose to believe him, so we were shocked when Ryan died. We thought he'd do fine b/c he made it through surgery fine (they were so impressed w/ how well he did) but they had let him lay there for too long and his liver gave out. Most HLHS babies have surgery w/ in the first week of life, they waited until he was 3 weeks, and in to renal failure and liver failure before they did surgery. So I have LOTS of anger and unanswered questions about that. They had even told us we could avoid surgery (at the beginning)-that the heart cath would "fix" everything. I never knew he had HLHS until I read it on his death certificate. They NEVER told me that was his diagnosis.









It's been 10 months since he died, and some days it seems like yesterday, while other days it feels like years since I held him. I miss him so much. My dd has really had a hard year too. I never knew a 3 yr old could grieve, but she has proven me wrong.

I'm due w/ another boy in December. While I am *so* thrilled about it, I have hesitations. I've already heard the "Oh, it will be like nothing ever happened".  People around me have the attitude that it's time for me to move on, but how do you get over losing a child???? I can't get over it, and I doubt I ever will.I'm just afraid that people will think that this new baby will fix everything, and he will just be Ryan's replacement. I know better, but I don't know how others can't figure it out.

Anyway, that's my story. I hate to have to join over here, but I do look forward to getting to know all of you, and hearing about your angels.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear Reva,
I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard for you to see your son so sick. Ryan is a great name. Please know you are welcome here and we all share your pain and are here to support you.
Gossamer


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Outsiders never seem to understand that a new baby can never replace the baby you lost. You are not alone here.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

A Gentle Welcome. I am so very sorry for your loss of Ryan. The mothers here are an extremely supportive group.

My son was stillborn and I am pregnant again (due in March) after a few months of his death. I have the exact fears of wanting to make sure people don't forget that Connor was my first born son. I've found that while people acknowledge this pregnancy, I force an immediate conversation about Connor so that maybe they will get that this baby does not replace Connor. I usually mention something regarding buying something for this baby from his older brother Connor. Some responses express the look of horror but I'm not going to stop talking about him. I hope you can find peace with this also...well, as best as any of us can be comforted after the death of our beautiful babies.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'd like to warmly and gently welcome you to Mothering. Thank you for sharing Ryan with us. I feel honored to know him through his mothers loving eyes.

Yes, you have a million unanswered questions. I'm sure with the new pregnancy you're feeling torn between wanting to find ansers and wanting to just make it through this pregnancy. I wish you peace in getting through it all.

One think I can tell you is that you don't have to 'get over it'. Grief is a journey with many paths that you must travel. One day, you'll find a gentler path, but now, you're grief is still fresh and there are things you need to work through.

Please, feel free to cry and grieve here. The women will show you the compassion you need as you travel through this.

You also may want to take a moment to look through our Pregnancy after Loss forum.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

welcome to mothering. i am very sorry that you lost Ryan, i can't even imagine the pain and heart ache of losing your precious son after being told everything would be alright. thank you for sharing his story with us.
congrats on the new pregnancy







but sadly people that haven't been through a loss don't understand that a new baby doesn't make everything better and doesn't replace the child you lost. i found that people's reactions ranged from thinking the new baby would replace Keena to not talking about the pregnancy incase "we lost that one as well". i won't get into my rant about those people because right now it is pretty fresh still.

tara


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## fernlink (Jul 24, 2003)

I don't know why a child could ever make up for one that was lost. My other children do distract me from feeling sad with the joy they give me, but I will always always miss Nora and our family will never feel complete. I lost a twin, my daughter Anika is 3 weeks old now and she is the last baby we plan on having. I love the tiny baby stage and am trying to feel happy with my new baby. This isn't hard, but feels weird to not feel more grief over Nora...then as soon as I wonder where the grief is, it comes. Mostly at night when all others are asleep and I can be alone with my thoughts.

Our daughter was diagnosed with HLHS only three days before she was born. I have wondered what would have happened if we hadn't found out before. Were you at a big hospital? I am surprised at how they treated it, but then I am far from being an expert on this disease.

Good luck with this pregnancy and know that you shouldn't feel that you should "get over it". I need to talk about Nora and also usually have to bring it up first. But I had her for such a short time and need to do things that make it feel like she was my daughter.


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## saintmom (Aug 19, 2003)

You will always,and have every right and reason to remember your little angel.


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