# felling lost...



## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Hello to all,

My name is Sarah G. and I am new to this posting. One week and one day ago my son Luke was born still at 40 weeks and one day. I deliverd by c-section due to an unfavorable cervix. However, that was not the cause of his death. My husband and I heard his heart beat just one day prior to his delivery. At this visit my Dr. tried to manipulate my cervix with her hand and sent me home stating if I did not deliver by Monday she would schedule a c-section the following Wed. She stated that if i felt any change in movement to contact her. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood in my underpants and I was having cramps. I immediately called th Dr. and the nurse assured me that this was normal after the manipulation of the cervix. Later that night i told my hisband that i didn't feel right, but thought i was being too anxious and went to bed knowing i had an ultrasound and NST the next afternoon. I woke up the next morning and ate breakfast, and sat in the recliner. I told my husband that I had not felt the baby move at all. He came over and rubbed my belly, and said it was going to be o.k. (previously I thought the baby was not moving as much and had gone to the Dr. and did an NST and everything was fine) I began to get anxious so we left for the Dr. office an hour before my appointment. On the way to the Dr. office as we pulled up to the stop light I felt a tremendous kick from the baby and began to cry with relief thanking God for the movement that eased my fears. I asked my husband to then stop by to drop off out tax papers. When we reached the Dr.s office we waited for the
NST tech to call me back.. The tech hooked me up to the monitor and right away I knew something was terribly wrong. For the first time I did not hear my baby's heartbeat right away. I could tell the tech was new and after a few minutes she went to get another nurse to check. I started to cry and knew that this was it. She asked me if I wanted my husband to come back and I said not until we go to ultrasound to be sure, due to my husbands high anxiety, I did not want to put him through anything until it was for sure. I still hoped my baby was going to be o.k. As I laid back on the table my husband walked in and looked at me, I just cried and shook my head in disbelief, the room was silent as I looked around the techs and nurses looked shocked, and then that was it. The tech looked at me with tears in her eyes and stated "I'm so sorry there is no heart beat" and asked the nurse to go to get the Dr. After that everything seemed a blur. We waited in the dr. office until they sent us next door to the hospital. My husband just kept repeating "what are we supposed to do now?" At 10p.m. that evening I my Son Luke Harrison Garrett was born still. The Dr. stated that he was perfect and that the only thing he saw was the cord was wrapped around his neck once and body, but was not sure if this was the cause of death.

I am sorry if this is disturbing to anyone but feel like I need to tell my story to someone who has had the same thing happen to them.. I feel so lost and empty. I don't really know what to do or where to begin. My mind is so foggy from medication and my body hurts. Please, I would like some direction.

thank you in advance,

Sarah


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry about your loss!!!


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am so sorry for your loss

thank you for sharing Luke with us.

tara


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you so much. I too am sorry for yours.

Sarah


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## Slackermom (Jul 23, 2003)

I'm so very sorry, Sarah. Please take good care of yourself.

hugs,
Michelle


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Oh Mama!









I am so sorry to hear that you have joined us but welcome you here just the same.

My daughter died very unexpectedly last May at the end of labor just moments before she popped out. No one knows what happened to her.

There is nothing I can say that will take away your pain. All i can offer is my support and my own experience. For me the first weeks were by far the worst. You will feel better in time but the pain doesn't go away.
What helped me survive those first weeks and months was spending a lot of time with family and friends, coming here often to talk with other mothers who could relate, keeping a journal, reading several loss books (" Empty Cradle Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis was my favorite), Crying a lot, crying a lot, crying a lot. I'm so sorry that you don't have your baby in your arms right now. Please take care of yourself! My thoughts are with you.
Please feel free to come here as much as you like, ask questions, share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you.

How big was Luke? What did he look like? Where do you imagine he is now?
Don't feel pressured to answer these questions if you don't want to.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Oh mama, I am so very sorry for your loss. I would love to hear more about Luke too, if and when you are ready to talk. How is your family dealing with this? Dh? And most importantly, you? Let yourself feel, cry, scream, whatever it takes. I hope you have someone you can talk to when you need it. If not and even if you do, please come here as often as you need to. This place can be a saving grace.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you so much for your support. I feel like this site is going to be my saving grace when I am at my lowest of lows. (and even when I feel pretty good I imagine)

Our Luke had jet black hair with beautiful soft lips and looked like his daddy. He was almost 8 lbs and almost 22 inches long. He looked so peaceful and like a little doll. Though I could not bring myself to hold him my husband brought him to me and I stared at him for a long time . I almost regret not holding him but was scared that I would drop him or he would be cold. My family got to see him and hold him, so that ment a lot to me.

I would like to think that he is in heaven, but I sometimes wonder if his spirit lingers around us. I wonder if part of him will be reborn when the time comes for us to try again. I have so many thoughts that run through my head like this... Again thank you for your support.

Sarah G.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Sarah--

Thank you for telling us about your beautiful son. I am so deeply sorry for what you and your husband are experiencing, it is a pain beyond belief.

I do believe that my baby's spirit has stayed around me and my family. It has been a little over two years since he was stillborn, and I can still feel him at times. When I miss him I say his name, and I feel him comforting me.

Sending love and support,
Katherine


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Sarah,

I wanted to say I am so sorry, and thank you for sharing Luke with us. I have received so much love and support from these boards in the 2 1/2 years (I can't believe it has already been that long) since my daughter died from a cord injury. Please take care of yourself; a c-section takes a long time to recover from fully, even without the added grieving.

I too, still feel my child's presence at times, almost like a shadow out of the corner of my eye. Although the pain will not go away, it will become less intense over time. I know that in many families, husbands and wives grieve very differently; try to pull together rather than apart. For us, it was helpful to do "projects" together; we worked hard on focusing on the moment, minute by minute, it was less overwhelming that way.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Feel free to PM me if I can help you.


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## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

Sarah,

I am so sorry you lost your sweet Luke.







Thank you for sharing him with us.


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## dolphinsdive (Jan 16, 2005)

Sarah I so sorry for your loss. I hope someone puts their arms around you and holds you tight. Don't hold your feelings or emotions back for any reason.


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## blebba21 (Feb 7, 2005)

I also lost my son Jalen, December 24,2004 .I would just like you to know that I feel your pain, and believe me it will get better as the days go by. mind you not one day goes by and i don't think of Jalen.

Please note that I am currently reading (Empty Cradle, Broken Heart) " Surviving the death of your Baby" and loving it.I would strongly recommend you buying this book,and if you would like to know more about my story please feel free to read my thread (The lord gave me six wonderful weeks).

Luke will be in my prayers.

bye.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I sometimes like to imagine that loved ones who have died can be in heaven, here with us in some way, and possibly even reborn to us in part all at the same time. I know that right after Julianna died, i imagined her as a little fairy or pixie, flitting around in the dogwood blossoms and the other flowers that were in bloom last May. I imagined her with other little spirit babes having a good time. I haven't had a strong of a feeling about her lately but i wonder if it will come back with the flowers.
I thought i would share this poem with you that i read on another post at some point.

A Cherokee Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep,
I'm with you still. I do no sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still, in each new dawn.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand there at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.

Author Unknown.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you so much for the uplifting words, and beautiful poem.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you for your support. I too am sorry for your loss.


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

Sarah, welcome to MDC. I hope you will make some friends here. Just wanted to send a little support your way. You are very brave to share your story. I love the name Luke, by the way.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Sarah,

I too wanted to say I am so moved by your story and very sorry for the loss of your son. Luke sounds beautiful.


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

Im so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Luke.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
I am so sad after reading your story, I have recently been there...my daughter was still born November 28th. I too had a cesarean. The first weeks are kind of a blur, lots of crying and feeling really lost and empty. I was in my head a lot, probably a good thing I wasn't allowed to drive because I was so distracted by my thoughts. What helped then was talking with my husband and trying to process what had happened- I was really fuzzy with the details of my daughter's birth day because I went into shock as soon as they couldn't find the heartbeat. I wrote in my journal a lot because doing ordinary things seemed weird and unfair. How could I be watching t.v. when my daughter was dead? How could the world just keep on going when it had stopped for me on Nov. 28th?
My girlfriends were awesome, checking in every day, even though it was overwhelming it was good to have people calling and coming over. It could have been so easy to stay in bed and shut out the world. I hope you are finding people to connect to, my husband and I have been attending a support group through the hospital where I gave birth. It has been nice to meet people who have been through this too. I was given a great book called "Help, Comfort and Hope After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year" by Hannah Lothrop. Just know it is good to cry and okay to be sad all the time at this point, you are grieving and it is very normal. Any thoughts or feelings you have are normal and don't hold them in. Take care and I hope what I have shared is helpful to you.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you Angela. Today was the first time I didn't take pain medication all day. Tomorrow, will be twelve days since Luke was delivered. I still can't believe that this has happened. It is so unreal and very, very painful. I cried less today than yesterday. I guess it will come and go. I am afraid that I will go back to work in 4 to 6 weeks and break down while I am with a client. ( I am a therapist, and work with low income, troubled kids and their families ages 3 to 19). Have you had issues with work or anyone you know?

Take care,

Sarah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
I took my full 12 week maternity leave and just went back recently. I also work with clients; I am a social worker. I thought it would be hard to keep it together while at work but have been surprised that my emotions have stayed pretty managable. I know when people told me it would get easier with time I wanted to smack them and always thought yeah right, but it is sort of true. I still feel extremely sad and cry at some point most days but it is a less intense saddness. In the beginning it was like someone punched me in the stomach and stabbed my heart and it seemed like that pain would never end. In those first weeks I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare. I think letting myself really feel whatever emotions came was the best medicine and helped me to grieve in a healthy way. My boss was really flexible about me coming back when I felt ready and was open to me doing part-time for a while. Maybe when the time comes for you to go back you can look into something like that if you're feeling overwhelmed.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela,

Thank you again for the input. I really do appreciate all of your support. I think that my boss will be just as understanding, if I want to stay out the whole 12 weeks. However, I almost feel that I may go crazy if I stay home that long.. What did you do to occupy your time? I don't want to sit around and cry all day till I get sick.. I am thinking about exercising, but Dr. says I have four more weeks before I should do that. I have been reading a lot on the internet and a couple of books about loss, any other suggestions? I don't want to pack up Luke'ss room, people keep saying they will help when I am ready, but I don't think I will ever be ready. It is a comfort to go past and tell Luke goodnight as I walk into my own bedroom. I don't know.... i guess in time.

Sarah


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

FWIW, I pushed myself to be "out and about" way too soon after Kevin's stillbirth. At the time, I was homeschooling my three other children and thought that for their sake I should keep up with everything. In retrospect, I really wish I had waited! I think I postponed some of the grief because I had to hold it together to be around other people. If I could go back and do it over, I would make every effort to stay home as much as possible for a full three months. At the time I thought I would go crazy with grief if I didn't go out, but I really wish I had stayed home and felt it. Also, the idea of protecting myself from seeing babies in public, and from hearing other people's insensitive and hurtful remarks. I just wasn't strong enough to bear it at the time, so every hurt just sank in deeper and deeper, and I ended up even more of a mess.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I have a two year old daughter at home so I was busy during my leave. I think it would have been hard to be on leave so long had she not been home with me. Also, Addie was stillborn right after Thanksgiving so I was busy with holiday stuff for the first month I was off. Even if I didn't have a child at home I think I would have tried to take about eight weeks off just becasue I didn't really feel physically healed until then anyway. I did take walks those first weeks as I felt up to it and my house was never cleaner. I worked on a few projects that had been on the back burner like getting my photographs all into albums and starting my daughter's scrapbook. We also planned a service which we had the first weekend in January. As for the nursery, I think you should not feel rushed. You may not be ready for weeks or months and that is okay. For me it was a place that was for her and about her and it was almost theraputic to have a space like that to go and cry and just be sad. Hang in there....


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## bobacat (May 20, 2004)

Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I don't post here very often, but I read Wilkers journal about her loss and subsequent pregnancy. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my firstborn child in December. I went to my 29 week appointment and discovered that he had died almost a month before. I did not know because I was never feeling very much movement. This loss has been so hard for me, so I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to have gone so far only to lose your precious son.

There does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I was in shock for the first month and then major grief hit for the second month. But I have emerged from that now and I am trying to think about the future. My thoughts are with you. I have attended a local support group, and I found it very helpful to meet other women who have had this happen. For me, I felt very isolated and alone...that no one could understand...so it was helpful to know that unfortunately (oh so unfortunately) many women have gone through the same thing.

Much love and many hugs,
Roxanne


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Thanks for sharing your story Sarah.I have found writing to be one the the things that helps.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I just want you to know Sarah, that I am still thinking of you and Luke.
How are you feeling?
How is dh doing?

Wanting to send love and peace your way, one more time.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Jackie,

Thanks for the thoughts. I have been doing ok. I don't feel much like typing. I posted my past few days and experieces under "Thank goodness this is back up and running". You all have been so great for me. I am just trying to take it one step at a time.


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