# It's been two weeks..



## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

It has been two weeks since Luke was delivered full term and still. That just sounds awful even as I type it. I don't know how I would describe how I am feeling today. Sad, empty, lonely, exhausted. The Dr. has me on blood pressure medication due to it going crazy from hormones and stress, there is no protien in my urine, so that's good I guess. I feel awful when it drops, I get the chills and am very weak. The Dr. says that its ok as long as the bottom number doesn't go down to 50. I feel like I have been hit with a ton of bricks and my heart has been ripped out. A girl from work called me yesterday to say that she had some things for me whe wanted to drop them by (girl scout cookies I ordered last month and that I owed her 7$). I felt like telling her where to put those cookies! She asked how my incision was and was dismissive with my reply. I guess some people don't know how to react. Whatever, I feel like I need to crawl into a hole today. It is raining and gloomy today. My husband is at home thank goodness. He is taking classes online fulltime. Every time he thinks he hears me crying he runs down the stairs and wraps his arms around me. It's a wonder he is getting any work done at all!! The people from the tax office called to say our check was ready to pick up. I don't even care about that check right now. All the plans I had for it are ruined.
I am sorry I am so negative today, Hopefully it will pass.

SArah


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## jetsmom (Feb 24, 2005)

sarah-
its really good to hear you. i lost my daughter in august. sometimes it seems like it was yesterday, but when i read your post i realize i have done some healing. do whatever you need to do to heal.
i reacted by making a lot of dark jokes, some people found that hard to take
i also felt it sucked to be postpartum and no baby to show for it. i still think it sucks. thats another thing you ARE postpartum, take it easy if you can.
you're in my thoughts
genevra


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Genevra,

Thanks for the encouragement. I find myself making dark jokes as well, even from the hospital bed where this all started. After being massacared by a couple of intern nurses and bruised up from blood work and IV's (most of my care staff were terrific) a nurse came in and stated that she would have to take blood again (unfortunatelly) due to the house keeping staff sticking herself while cleaning up the surgical room where I was. I told the nurse to go tell her not to worry that I had just done it with a bunch of gang members and was sure to be positive. I know it was a routine thing to check for, but it was just one more thing, ya know? Anyway, I wanted to thank you for your words. I am trying to rest but I have a hard time sleeping and really don't want to sleep during the day because in the past I always had a hard time going to sleep at night if I nap during the day. Also, it seems like every time I go to skeep I wake up crying, realizing it wasn't a bad dream. I hope in time I will heal some. I am sorry for your loss as well. If you want to, I would love to hear about your daughter.. Luke was almost 8 lbs and 22 inches just beautiful in every way.. Thanks for listening...

Sarah


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Dear Sarah,

(((HUGS))) to you. You have been through even more than I went through, I was lucky enough to escape my nightmare without surgery. I cannot imagine going through postpartum, grief, AND surgery recovery.

My husband was home for the first month too, due to being laid off just 2 weeks before Christmas, and not able to find any job until the beginning of this month. Thankfully financial help from friends, family, and even strangers! helped us keep from going under financially. Having him there was a big help. I'm glad your husband is there for you.

Postpartum without any baby to show for it. That captures exactly how I feel. Although "sucks" doesn't begin to cover it. I'm not much of a one for cussing, but I could wax eloquent about how horrid it is.

My baby would have been 8 weeks. Eight lovely weeks. I miss him so bad.

I know this tunnel is long and dark, and at the beginning of it you can't even see if there is light at the other end, but I hear voices from waaay up ahead, in books, from other mommas here, and from the few people I've met IRL who have lost a baby, and they tell me if I keep moving forward I will find the light again. That is comforting to me, and I hope it is to you as well.

Much love to you. I only wish I could be there to give you a real hug, and cry with you. I'm not you, so I can't say I know how *you * feel, but I can say I have felt the loss of my child, and that physical ache of missing him, and I am sad that you have to mourn your little one too. (((HUGS)))


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

You're right in the middle of the worst time after loss. Postpartem - no baby sucks so much i know. I remember feeling so pissed that i had to go through everything for nothing and i didn't even have a c-sec. I was pissed that i didn't feel good, that i was fat, that my tits were leaking milk all the time, milk that was supposed to be for my baby. I think i cried most of the time and hardly left my house or even made myself a meal for at least two weeks. Dh was home a lot too and that helped. Its OK to cry as much as you need to and you may find that napping does help even if you do wake up re-realizing that it wasn't a bad dream. I remember having this thought in the back of my mind every time the phone rang, that someone was calling to tell me that it was all a bad dream or that they had made a mistake and (despite the fact that my daughter was already buried) she was actually in the NICU and doing OK. Unfortunately, it isn't just a bad dream - it's real. Sometimes the reality of it still strikes me and it hurts so much.

The tunnel is very long and very dark but i hope that you can hear the voices of those who are up ahead and trust that there is light to look forward to. The pain gets less raw and the darkness slowly gets less dense. I wish there was more i could say to help you through this. Know that i'm thinking of you and little angel Luke.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I hope today will be a good day. Thank you for the support, tomorrow will mark three weeks since Luke was BS. I only hope that he is in a better place than I am. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do with myself. I find there are so many things to do around the house, but don't feel like doing anything. I wish that I had the pictures of Luke from the hosp. but it will probably take about a month they said. I just need to see him, since I cannot hold him. At least I can look at him, hopefully sooner than later.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Has anyone pointed you to the thread below? It's by a member who delivered her first child stillborn and posted a journal of sorts on her experience. She is now babymooning her second child who was born last week (and has a thread on that pregnancy also). If you haven't seen it, I hope it helps in someway. Feel free to come here to create your own journal of thoughts, if it helps you. I think of you often and wonder how you are.

wilkers thread


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## rileysmommy (Dec 11, 2004)

sarah, i am just so so so sorry. i will not blather on about feeling well or finding peace, as thats just nonsense. just know you aren't alone. with all my heart i wish it could be different.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

-Keri, Yes I have been reading her posts and it gives me great hope! Thank you.

-Kelly thank you for your kind words.

I just came back from the Doctors office and he said that the autopsy report came back from the hospital. There was not anything significant to explan Luke's death. The cord was around his neck, but the Dr. said that may or may not have been the cause. He said that he was anxious to get the my tests results back for the clotting d/o's due my symptoms in the hospital. He seems to think that I may have a clotting d/o and talked about the steps we will be taking when we decide TC again to help prevent another loss. This does give me some piece of mind, but does not bring Luke back. Sometimes I think that maybe he was sent here to save my life. I could have a d/o that can cause me to have a stroke or other complications. I just wish he was here with me, and it didn't have to be this way. I love you Luke, with all of my heart I love you


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Sarah









I'm so so sorry for your loss. You must miss Luke so much. I cried when I read your last post and wish there were words I could say to help.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

sarah9774 I love you Luke said:


> I know you love Luke, Sarah....I can hear your love for him each time I read one of your posts. He knows how much you love him too....


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Hello Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your posts are so eloquent. I can hear your love for Luke in your words. Yes post partum with out a baby just plain sucks. And waiting for test results isn't any better. I remember desperately wanting results, but at the same time knowing that the results wouldn't bring my daughter back to me. Please keep coming here to share with us.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
Your posts here just resonate with me...you describe very well so many feelings I have also recently been through. I have felt too that my daughter's life purpose may have been to save mine and others in my family. I found out that I have a clotting disorder and that I could have died from a stroke or something and never would have known had it not been for her. My sisters are also being tested for the d/o so they do not experience this kind of tragedy with future pregnancies. I find myself more lately being about to have some peaceful thoughts about Adelaide's death instead of only anger and sadness.
I hope your pictures come soon and give you some peace...
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

You are like beam of sunshine for me today. Thank you.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I'm sorry that the autopsy didn't give you any answers. I think its beautiful to think that your son's death may save lives of other people you love. Despite that, it is still so hard to have to make the sacrifice. I am thinking of you.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I am sitting here thinking about my next appointment with the Dr. who did all of the blood work for the clotting d/o. I don't quite understand if Luke's death was caused by a clotting d/o, shouldn't the autopsy have shown a blood clot some where? Or maybe it was the flow of blood to the plecenta (sp?). I dunno I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out what could have possibly gone so wrong. I heard his heartbeat just the day before.. I hate this feeling so much. I feel so out of control of teh situation, and I am not use to this feeling at all. Tomorrow has GOT TO BE BETTER!!


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## streetkitty (Feb 6, 2005)

Sarah-

I was compelled to read your post- I knew it wasn't going to be a happy story from the forum that it was in. I cried when I read it and continue to cry now just thinking about what it must be like to experience something so horrible. I don't know how I would even think of moving on. You are in my heart and thoughts- as is your wonderful baby Luke who didn't get a chance to make his own impression on the world- but he really made an impression on me. Stealing from a yogic song- May the pure light within you, guide your way home. Thank you for sharing your story- it really helped me put my own life and trivial troubles into perspective. I'll be on the lookout for your follw ups.

Traci


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Sarah, I'm so sorry you lost Luke, your love for him is so apparent in your posts









Your so fresh in your grief right now. Please know that what your feeling is all normal. Your world has been shaken and it's going to take a great deal of time to sort through it all.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

It has been three weeks.. three long, emotional weeks. I have not had a day go by without a breakdown, but feel like I am going to be "o.K." I just have to push on. Sometimes it feels like I am just going through the motions. I pass by Luke's room and look in for a brief moment and say hello, or go in and make minor changes, as my cat's are trying to figure out what is missing. It is funny how animals can sense things. The youngest cat (a female) feels the need to sleep in the crib. She started doing this the day I came home from the hospital. Instead of scolding her, we just put a sheet over the crib to help keep the hair out. I feel like she knows that Luke should have been there. I don't think I will ever be ready to pack things up. People have offered to help me do this "when I am ready". But, I just don't feel the need. Maybe later in this journey, maybe not at all. I went to look at grave markers with my sister-in-law today. She has always been such a sweet person. I can't believe how much those things cost! It is going to take months before we will be able to afford something for Luke. I guess he will understand. Things are difficult right now. I have not even been able to bring myself to go out to his grave since the funeral. I hope that does not make me a bad mommy. I do love him...

The Dr.s office called today and said that our (mine and my husbands) Cholesterol (sp?) was too high, and that we either needed to go on medication or try a diet and exercise first. This was kinda another slap in the face. I know that we have not been eating the best, but my gosh! Anyway, this will be another part of our journey through this. We will make it..

Thank you for the support today.. all of you..


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Sarah, my heart goes out to you.....this is all so incomprehensible and the journey ahead is hard......peace to you mamma.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Last night I was having all sorts of weird dreams. I was trying to get Lukes clothes and things together and noticed things missing so I went to the neighbors house looking for the items that were missing. I woke up in the early am around 3 or so and got out of bed, I thought I heard a baby crying. This is so weird, I almost started to cry, but then just told Luke goodnight and got back in the bed. I hope this doesn't happen much, I haven't told my husband of the experience yet.. he is already worried about me enough.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

Oh Sarah. *tears* I am so sorry. Words really can't say how very sorry I am, and how your posts really hit home for me.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Sarah, from what I've been reading dreams like that in the first months are normal.

Are you going to a support group or getting any greif counseling?


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
The fact that you have not been to his grave since the funeral does not make you a bad mommy, he has been always in your heart and thoughts these past three weeks...you have been loving him and grieving for him and you will go again when it feels right for you to go. Be gentle with yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through all this health related stuff on top of losing Luke.
I am thinking of you and your husband today. Hang in there.
-Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Today has been kinda yucky.. the weather is cold, rainy with a mixture of snow. I am sure that this has had an impact on my mood today. I have pretty much laid around and done nothing. I got on the scale today, and have lost 35 lbs in 3 weeks. Normally, I would be very happy about this... but for some reason it just doesn't seem right. However, I know that I need to start taking better care of myself and pay attention to things more. I need to be healthy so that when the time comes I can try again. My younger sister (she's 30) teaches yoga and "hot" yoga, so I want to try it out to see how it is. I was going to start pilates (sp?) today, but when I saw how much stomach muscle it took I decided I needed to heal a little more.

Wheezie, Jenna, Angela- thank you all for being here for me.. it really means a lot. I have been to a support group with my husband 1 time so far. It was o.k. the women there had earlier losses at 20 weeks.. so I was really wishing there was someone who coud relate more. I know that a loss is a loss at any time during a pregnancy, and we all hurt from them, but I need that person who can say. I know what you mean.. I have not been to individual therapy, as I am a therapist and work with many therapists. (all of my friends at work are trying to be helpful, but you would be surprised at the lack of training we have in this area.. that will be changing when I go back to work) However, I am begining to feel like I need to talk to a therapist who specializes in grief work.. The woman who does the support group offered to see us individually.. so I may in the future.. I just don't know.

We are hanging in there..


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I know what you mean about so many things.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

Quote:

I have pretty much laid around and done nothing.
You're allowed. I did that every day for weeks. Don't feel pressure to do or not do anything. Healing and greiving at the same time is pretty much all consuming of your emotional and physical energy. Take care of yourself.

Don't beat yourself up about anything you are or aren't doing "for Luke". You are grieving in the way you need to right now. My daughter died 10 months ago and we still haven't even looked at markers and we don't even have a money excuse because Dh's grandmother is going to pay for it. Sometimes i feel really guilty about this but i remind myself that a marker doesn't really mean anything. I love my daughter more than anything and she has to know it from all my tears for her. I don't feel really attached to the grave site anyway so that's probably why we haven't done it yet.

I never went to an in person support group but i know what you mean about wanting to find people whose losses are as similar to your own as possible. I have been lucky in that i have connected with two women who live near me who both lost their daughters in the final stages of labor at home just like me. I feel like they understand me so well. I wish for you that you may find others who have had similar losses to your own in real life. Of course any loss hurts and there are many things that all of us share but i think there are other things that are different depending on what stage the loss happened and its good to know that you are not alone in your specific situation.

Take care.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

berkeleyp,

Thank you for "getting" me....today I managed to get up and go for a walk with my husband. It was a bittersweet time as I need to walk to get in shape and be healthy for the road ahead, and it was kinda sad to think that this could have been our first walk out with Luke. I really didn't feel like walking, but I just kept thinking of Luke and lasted a mile. I need to to do this, to get stronger, to get healthier, so that I can possibly get fit and stay fit throughout a future pregnancy. I keep thinking of Wilkers and her words about her new babe Sean and son Connor and think... yes one day I am going to do this again, I have too...


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Today marks one month since my Luke was born still. I walked for him today, for me... I want to get stronger and recover from this c-section the best I can. I am having a hard time remembering things and my days are still running together somewhat, but I am getting stronger by the day. I called a woman from work today, who delivered her still born daughter full term when she was only 19 years old, with her husband out to sea. We talked for a bit, and she offered to meet with me on Friday afternoon to talk and share our experiences. She is so kind to even offer. She said she could tell me what helped her through and how she got through her sub. preg. Anyway, I think that it may be helpful.. I don't feel mad at other women when I see them pregnant, or with little babies, not even do I feel envy. I just pray that one day that will be me with a little one that God will give me another chance to be a mother. I know that there might be a phase that I go through that I may be angry, but I haven't had anger towards other's yet (except for initially towards my Dr., because I didn't understand).

I miss feeling Luke kick me in the ribs and keeping me up at night, I miss the heartburn, I miss the swollen feet, I miss my clothes getting on my nerves, I miss everything I could of possibly complained about during my pregnancy, and promise I won't complain about these things next time, I just need a next time.....


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I think you'll have one. You'll get to experience all the discomforts of pregnancy again with a new appreciation and you'll one day hold your own living child in your arms. I'm glad to hear that you are already focusing on getting back into shape in preparation for another bug and for yourself. I'm sure that's what Luke would want his mom to be doing.

That woman you know from work sounds like she could end up being a great resource and friend to you. I'm sure she has a lot to give.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

berkeleyp-

Thanks, I really think that I need to focus on something positive. I want to be a mommy, so I figure that the best thing to focus on right now is getting healthy. How are you doing with your preg. and everything?
HOpe all is well..


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## lovelittleb (Dec 19, 2003)

((((Sarah))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Ok. now I have to gain the courage to either 1) give myself a shot every day for the next 14 days as directed by my Dr. 2) let my husband give me the shots, or 3) go to the Dr. office every day and let them give me the shot. Has anyone else gone through this. Dr. says these are for post op. which should have started the day I had c-section, but they did not know I had the clotting d/o.

And when TTC again I have to get these shots every day until 6 weeks post op. It makes me a little anxious to say the least. However, it will be a labor of love ... maybe I will post on the Preg after lost board, just to see what I will be in for. I think I recall wilkers saying she had the d/o. Thanks for any input you may have.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I also have clotting disorders and had to do the shots post op for 6 weeks. It really sucked! My husband hates needles so there was no chance he was going to do it for me. I remember the second day I was home it took me an hour to give myself the shot, all the while on the phone with my husband crying and saying over and over "I can't do this!". I can't say it was ever easy, but it did get better. I was shown how to do it in the hospital and they had me stab it in my leg...well, when I was home I kept chickening out as I would stab it in and so I had like three or four stabs for every one shot I would actually get in. Someone I know who does daily injections gave me the advice to push through slowly while taking a deep breath. That relly helped and it wasn't too big of a deal after that. Not looking forward to 40 weeks of shots when I am pregnant again but will do anything for a healthy baby. Anyway, I've been there and it sucks and I'll be thinking about you. Hope it goes easy...
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

Thanks for the advice. I think that my husband will be able to do them, but I am still anxious. Today I am going for my second shot and my husband will learn how to do it







WIsh me luck!!!


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Warning details...Today we received Luke's pictures.. I went to the mailbox and saw the large yellow envelope and my heart skipped a beat... I collected all the mail and quietly walked upstairs to where my husband was.. He looked at me and then my hands and back at me.. I said his pictures are here.. I was on the cordless phone at the time on hold so I hung up the phone and rubbed my hand across the address, my Baby is all I could get out of my mouth. I slowly opened the envelope as I felt Luke was inside himself and gently took the pictures out. I looked at my husband and said I'm scared... he and I both looked as I pulled the pictures from the cardboard and I was taken back by the dark color of my precious son's lips and the purplish color of his face, and nail beds.. He was still so perfect in everyway, our beautiful son. He looked just like his daddy.. We both sobbed for him and I told him how muc I wanted him and that I loved him. I wish so badly that we had taken our own pictures as I do not remember him as being so lifeless. I am greatful that the hospital staff were kind enough to take the pictures and send them to us.. I miss him so much, and feel like I can rest a little more easy now that I don't have the anticipation of waiting anymore.. It is good to have pictures to look at, now I know that I really am a mommy...
If I can bring myself to sharing I will post his picture on the memorial thread. My little angel...


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I am glad you got your pictures and that you and your husband were able to look at them together. I would love to see a picture if you ever feel up to sharing. Take care.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Well, I went for my shot today, and they let my husband do it.... I was a little anxious, but he was a pro!! Now I just have to get the prescription filled. I have to go to the next city to get it filled because the pharm around here don't carry it due to it's cost. So, I guess we will be doing a lot of driving today as we have suport group in another city as well.
Happy thoughts to everyone!!


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm glad you got his pictures. They will help, I know....

It's good that you found a woman to talk to, who has been in your shoes. I hope you have plenty of chances to get together.


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

Im so happy you have your pictures of your sweet luke.

Sarah, I am thinking of you and praying for you and your husband. Be ever so gentle with yourself...you are doing so well. I really admire you.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thanks for all of your support.. last night I went to my second support group. I went better than last time, there wer couples who had similar SB stories like mine. It was a great comfort to just be in their presents.. kinda weird feeling. My husband got my prescription last night while I was at group and it cost $35 for 24 shots.. Yikes!! It will be well worth it!! I just have to keep that in mind money wise when we are TTC again. I must have started my cycle again, lots of dark blood at first but now getting red again. I guess it is my cycle, might be the blood thinner. I dunno, I have gotten this rash on my face, but I think it was before I started the shots, might be my hormones. I guess I will call the Dr. tomorrow and ask.. I went to get my hair done today, my mother insisted that I go and she pay for it. I got it colored with red highlights kinda chunky so it looks kinda punk.. I needed a change.. I saw a couple of people that I hadn't see in a while who asked about Luke, and this got me choked up a bit , but I was able to talk about him for a while and they let me, so I was glad to see they were interested. I know it will be hard from time to time and it really sucks bad sometimes, but being that I am in the profession of helping people recover, I know I need to get myself out there and deal with my grief instead of isolating myself.. so I can heal.. I know we all grieve in different ways, mine is good foe me right now, maybe it will change later, I dunno. I hope you guys are doing ok and you all are in my thoughts...

Sarah G.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Today I ventured out to a speaker Dr. Brian Post, who specializes in working with children with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). I must say it was quite overwhelming at first, I cryed when people I knew came up to me and hugged me, I cryed when one of the videos for the presentation came on and had all kinds of babies and pregnant woman on it, I cried when someone looked at me and smiled.. and so on, It was kinda exhausting but I feel like I have healed a little bit by confronting that which I was scared of... seeing people from work and seeing how they were going to react to me.. I think that it was very helpful. Tomorrow I have to get US doen of my legs to check for blood clots. I am a little anxious, because I think that they are going to tell me I have one and admit me to the hospital... I hope not!! I was able to share Luke's pictures with one of my best friends.. She was so good with me, she said he was cute as a little bug!! I did not expect that response. But it felt good to hear her acknowledge him as a person!! I love her....

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a peaceful night!!

SArah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. Sounds like things are going alright with you and I'm glad to hear it. I am also glad to hear that your going to a support group. My husband and I have been going to one once a month and it has really helped me to feel less isolated. It was also interesting last month because a couple that had had a recent loss came and it was amazing to see how far I have come in my grief process in just three months. It also felt sort of good to show them that we do live through something like this and made me almost realize that fact, sort of gave me hope that if I have come this far, I will continue to move forward. Just some thoughts for today... Take care,
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

I do find the support group helps a lot.. I think I will stick with it


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
we posted at the same time and so I wanted to comment on your post from today. I am glad to hear your experience was almost healing. I feel sometimes like the anticipation is almost worse than the event we are anticipating. It sounds like people were great with you and appropriate with how they treated you. Maybe it will make going back to work a little easier. I am glad to hear you shared Luke's pics, your friend sounds very supportive to you.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Well tonight my husband and I decided to go out to eat for the first time since before Luke was delivered.. as we waited in line, across from us was a couple who was in our parenting class and of course they asked the dreaded question "how's everything going?" I felt the tears well up in my eyes and all I could say was "not too good".. I started to cry and my husband grabbed my hand. I could tell by the look on her face that she was a little uncomfortable, but I could not get myself together enough to talk anymore at that particular moment. Just as I was pulling myself together, my old boss walks in and smiles and asked how I was, noticing the tears in my eyes she just gave me a hug and asked if everything was ok.. I was able to pull myself together a little more and by this time the other couple had gone to sit down. I was able to get out to my old boss what had transpired and how difficult it was for me to deal with at times. She completely understood and encouraged me to stay and not to worry about what other people may have thought. After we were seated and I was able to relax a bit, I told my husband that I thought we should go over and talk to them a little and explain. And to also ask how they were doing. We walked over to their booth and sat down beside them.. the tears started again and she started to rub my back, telling us she was so sorry.. I was able to tell her what had happened and about the blod clotting d/o and how we were coping. She and her husband were very receptive and kind. After talking to them we went back to our seats and ate dinner.. then as we were leaving I realized that I had not even asked her about her baby.. so on the way out we stopped again and asked about their baby and how they were doing.. she said her baby was doing well and already weighed 15 lbs!! He is about as old as Luke would be and that is about a month and one week!! Anyway, I felt a sense of relief as we left and I told my husband, maybe that was good therapy for us... I hope so...


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I feel sometimes like I am just fumbling through interactions with people. You never know how they will react and since the grief is still so new to me, I never know how I will react moment to moment. You're not alone in your emotional state, I'm right there with ya. Hang in there.








Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

You always know how to comfort me.. thanks.. I hope you are well today


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Tonight I went to support group and there were only three of us there.. It was a good group for me as the two women who came both lost little boys too.. I gave a new member of the support group the link to this site, so hopefully she can use it as a means of support! I hope all are well.. I went back to work today and it was ok.. not too bad I didn't stay the whole day.. better than the last two days were for me ARGH!!! I think I am going to stay part-time until May..


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I must say it was pretty difficult to try and get back into working.. I have only been one other time since my last post.. I think that it will take a little more time than I thought. I just can't focus.. I am suppose to take an exam for certification CSAC on april 23rd and don't know how well I will do.. I can retake it later but not cancel it now.. great... I hope I get it together before then.. might try a little hypnotherapy..


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Sarah,
I saw you had posted on a thread I started a few days ago about my daughter, Coral. I saw your name authored at this thread, and have read thru all of your past weeks' thoughts and experiences- it is encouraging... you seem to be slowly moving along... there are times that I am really questioning my ability to move along with my life. My partner and I own and operate a restaurant- we live in a seasonal tourist town- and we have to open on the third wknd of May- I am really dreading this- on one hand it will provide me with an enormous amount of work to do, and on the other it puts me squarly back into the community and out front seeing people again... people who have been away and don't know, who will ask about the baby, and I worry I wont be able to get thru a night if someone asks. I read about you and your husband looking at Luke's pictures. I am hoping to do this this afternoon if they are ready like they said they would be... it is a sad thing to have in common... but to know that you have recently done this and have managed to begin a new day is SO helpful to me. Thanks for posting all of the updates. I am curious what your doctor had to say about TTC after a SB... did they give you a safe time to start TTC, my midwife thus far gave a vague answer, but I didn't really ask directly. I read most places to wait 2-3 cycles, but when I look at timing between some mother's SBs and their new babies, it seems as though it happens quicker often. I am sure it is different for each woman. But thinking about TTC, being pregnant again, and getting another chance is something I think about as a reprieve for my usual current thoughts, which are all about my daughter. You're in my thoughts Sarah- thank you for reaching out to me... Coral's mom


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

It does get a little easier day by day.. but then sometimes you will have a setback.. you will see or hear something that triggers you.. but know that it too will pass.. as far as seeing people you know and them not knowing what happend.. they will have different reactions. some will be scared to say anthing too you or about Coral and leave it at that, some will be warm and loving and ask about your Coral.. I now like it when paople ask me about Luke.. I even share his picture if they want to see him..

As far as TTC again.. it really depends on you and what your Dr. recommends. They say to wait three cycles so that your uterus has a chance to heal and you are physically ready.. some women "accidentally" get pregnant sooner, due to being so fertil. I have to wait at least three months, but I want to wait at least five.. I had a c-section so I want to be sure I am healed inside and out.. Also I am trying to get in shape and doing a yeast cleanse... so it will depend where I am when August comes.. but that is when I want to try. Due to my blood clotting d/o I have to let my dr. know before I even start to try so that he can set me up with a specialist and consult with my hemotologist. Since Luke was full term they want to be sure that I am ready physically to go.. I will have to take shots everyday and possibly take baby aspirin.

I live in a tourist town too.. Virginia Beach, VA It is hard for me to be out sometimes, when I see little babies and kids it kinda makes me sad.. You will be going through a whole host of emotions so just recognize when you are having them, stay with them if you can and then release.. try not to hold things in, it only makes it worse.

Did you have any test done?? I can't remember.. Although I have a clotting d/o there were not blood clots in the baby or in me.. Dr. said that it was probably a combo of the cord around his neck and with the BC d/o it narrows the blood vessels and restricts blood flow, so with the cord around his neck it probably was even harder for the blood to get to him.. I dunno

I hope all goes well come may with the rest.. just take it day by day and know that you can get through it.. I know that there was a point when I thought I needed medication to get me through.. but a few wise women advised against it and I got better after a couple of weeks.. just know that in the begining you are in shock.. then I would say for me at the six week mark it was horrible.. now that I am two month's past Luke's death it has gotten a little better.. I don't cry at commercials with babies in them or when I see a baby I can pull myself together..
I will be thinking about you.. take care..


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Sarah...
I didn't have any tests done- my midwife seems to feel that I was healthy, she always thought this even more than I did- but believe me, I have thought and wished I could have every test done since Coral's death. I would not want this to happen again due to something wrong with my body. My entire pregnancy I worried about my uterus- I had had a large tumor removed from the outside of it 8 years ago, and although the surgeon, my midwife, and her consulting OBGYN assured me my uterus had not been cut into in any way, I still worried about it rupturing or having some other problem to not allow me to carry full term- this was silly though as I went past my due date by 12 days! I seem to be healing up well- I can remember my surgery for my tumor and it was basically the same as a c-section... i needed my mother's help for 10 days after... and then it was slow going. i think the initial results are back from Coral's cordblood and placenta tests, and they should tell whether we have genetic issues to think about- i don't know what else they would tell as to why she died. the hospital didn't call about the pictures- another wknd with no photos and no info. i've been trying to keep an eye on my health- its hard when you're so depressed and sad- but i want to keep my body healthy for the next try. i decided not to go back on caffeine or alcohol- am even still drinking the remainder of my pregnancy tea... does that seem wierd? i need to exercise more- that just requires motivation- but i know from my past that that is key to improved mental health. i never knew how important it would become for my partner and i to have a family... i hope you are doing well. its been nice to 'talk' to you. coral's mom


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

I would ask about possible blood clotting d/o.. my pregnancy was very normal and I was healthy as well, there were no clots in Luke, myself, or any part of the plecenta/cord.. but the dr. said there is a strong correlation between SB and clotting d/o.. due to it narrowing the blood vessels.. It may be that you don't have any of them.. however, it would be a good thing to check.. because there are precations you can take when TTC again..that is the weird thing about SB you never really know what the cause could have been and may never have any answers..

About taking you tea still.. I was told by my dr. to continue my PV's so I take them every day.. I guess it doesn't hurt to be gearing up for the future.. so no I don't think it is a weird thing.

It took about a month for us to get our pictures back and the nurse called and let us know that they were in and offered mail them to us, or we could pick them up.. I got her to mail them..

Hang in there I know they will be beautiful!!

Talk with you soon

SArah


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Sarah...
I will ask about that when I talk to my CNM. I don't remember if you said- and you don't have to if its too much- but I wondered if you had an autopsy done on Luke. We decided not to with Coral, my midwife said that they could detect genetic stuff with the cordblood & placenta, and my 17-week sonogram had shown no internal organ problems at that point. I wonder what an autopsy would show- I know so little about this- it makes after-the-fact testing on me a bit more valuable as a precautionary measure for our next child. I worry about money and what insurance covers and all that- my personal policy is pretty lame- I had state coverage for my pregnancy that lasts 6-weeks after the birth, and I doubt it covers investigatory testing... we'll see, I think my midwife's calling on monday with some reluts, so I can ask her more then. You had posted about seeing a hypnotherapist- and i just wanted to comment how extremely helpful self-hypnosis was to me during my pregnancy and birth... my best friend is a Hypnobirthing practitioner in another state, and there are none near me, so I self-taught the class with her assistance over the phone- and it worked like nothing i could have imagined- i was so relaxed, at-ease, full of peace... i'm sure the baby felt it during my pregnancy, and it really helped me stay calm and relaxed during labor- helped me 'keep it together' after we found out Coral had died... i would highly recommend it for your next pregnancy if you're interested, the website is www.hypnobirthing.com, but there are other methods and teachings out there, i think hypnobabies, and hyp-birth. While I would practice the breathing techniques, and listen to the tapes, I often would think that this could all apply to other areas of my life that had elements of stress or fear to them. Havn't tried with my grieving side-effects, but maybe I will soon. Hope you're doing well, and I've been thinking about you. I had a thought this morning about all of the SB babies, all being together, comforting and sharing love with eachother. It made me feel good- my partner and I do not practice any religion, and are not particularly spiritually-inclined, (this situation has really put it out there, though), so its difficult at times to think about Coral and where she is now... she is so alive in me... it gives me a great deal of relief when I imagine her being comforted and cared for by someone, something, anything- as long as she is safe... this is a very unfulfilled mothering instinct I have been dealing with-needing to know that my daughter is safe and loved. Take care- Coral's mom.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

I did allow an autopsy for Luke beacause I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with him and to see if he had blood clots.. The Dr. actually suggested it and told me that it probably wouldn't show anything significant, but I am glad that I had it done.. I kinda allowed me to go over him inch by inch and see that he was perfect!! The hospital paied for the autopsy so I didn't have to worry about that.. I have a copy of it and have read over it twice just to read about him!! Kinda weird huh? There is a post on this page about blood clotting d/o and give's teh recommended panels to get done. I agreed to have them done at my doctor's request because I needed to know "just in case" and I am glad I had the test done so that I can be under the specialized care that I will need fo rthe next time around. My doctor stated after finding out about the d/o that "I would not feel comfortable with seeing you through another pregnancy unless you were being treated for the clotting d/o" He seems to think that it was the cause of Luke's death and I beleive him!

I hope you are doing well and talk to you later

SArah


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## Scorpio (Nov 2, 2004)

Reading your posts could be me talking ... I lost my son Quinn at 39 weeks during labor, after the most healthy perfect pregnancy you could imagine. This morning I'm having a very hard time, looking at his picture and just crying my eyes out. How could I have had such a beautiful baby only to lose him? He has been gone 2 1/2 months now and, like you, I am missing my baby so much ... even missing being 9 months pregnant. I just wanted to say I understand exactly how you feel and I'm sorry ... And I hope everything you are feeling is normal since I've had all those feelings too.
Thanks to Coralsmom also for the reassurance.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Scorpio-

Thanks for the support.. I know that it can be VERY difficult some days and others not too hard.. I find it nice to be able to share Luke with whoever wants to listen.. I carry the hospital picture around with me in my purse and for those who ask, or if I think thay want to see him I will ask them if they would like to see him.. most say yes, few say no.. but either way I get to talk about him.. kepping busy with things seems to help me too. I went out and bought a memory album to make for him, but haven't brought myself to doing so.. I have only been to his grave twice since the funeral and feel kinda guilty about that, but I will be ordering his marker within the next couple of weeks so I will fell much better about it I think.. I have not been terribly upset for a couple of weeks now.. Except yeaterday when I went to my husbands 1st softball game.. I forgot about another wife who was just weeks behind me and she had her baby girl with her.. I started to cry and was ok after a little while, I was able to share Luke with them and they made me feel better talking about him. I hope you find peace today mamma..


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Sarah-
I saw my midwife last night, and asked her about any testing that could be done on me as a precautionary measure for any future pregnancies... I mentioned the blood clotting d/o and a little about what I had read in the links you posted in another thread. She said she remembers hearing about the link, but felt that for me, the clotting d/o wouold be 'reaching for straws'. I don't know what to think about this- my midwife is pretty relaxed about pregnancy issues- she felt that I was very healthy during Coral's pregnancy, didn't feel the need for me to supplement with prenatal vitamins, was very laid back about all of my partner's and my sort of 'out-there' ideas about how we wanted to birth the baby- I should say non-conventional, because it all depends on who's listening... Before she practiced up here, she was ijn the peace corps and delivered hundreds of babies in Africa and Somoa- this experience left her with the feeling that in the US, we are pretty over-nourished, and extremely fortunate to have the access to the healthcare we have in terms of delivering babies- I guess her experiences in those countries were pretty hardcore- alot of stillbirths, alot of m/cs, a lot of infant deaths in general- she said 4 in 10!! So I guess I'm painting you a picture of where her comment about clotting d/o was coming from... She did somewhat agree to a few of the TORCH tests they do on the mother- toxoplasmosis, hepatitis, rubella, etc. but also said that is a long long shot- I think she felt that Coral may have had a genetic problem- her eyes were 'larger than normal'- and I would agree, although I don't know WHY they were larger- it may have been due to her intrauterine death- and they weren't extremely large- just swollen looking. She's waiting for the results maybe coming in on Friday. I don't feel comfortable pushing her to order the tests/panels- I wrote them down from the thread but never gave them to her- I may, if it stays with me, at a later date, get them done thru a different doctor. I don't want to become focused on every thing that could go awry with my future pregnancy. Its very confusing- especially because there may never be a clear reason why she died- I thank you for your imput on the clotting d/o- I learned a lot reading about it, and still don't know what to do about the testing. Do you have to start treating the d/o before you get pregnant? Can you start treatment during your pregnancy?

I hope you are doing alright- I am so-so... feel like I'm dragging a depression around. I am happy about one thing though- having Coral's pictures! Knowing she looked like us! Seeing her existance! I don't know if we will ever show them to anyone- they seem so intimate and private- I know you've mentioned that you like to show Luke's picture, and I wonder if you felt like this when you first saw them- I feel like if we show Coral's picture- there would be a lot of explaining to do before hand... that fact that she had died, and why her skin looks a certain way, etc. etc. WE think she is a beautiful, perfect little baby girl... if anyone ever said anything differently I don't know what I would do... Take care...


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

I think that your midwife should do whatever makes you comfortable.. If you are comfortable with her way of doing things then that is good.. However, My Dr. suggested the tests, because I had a stillbirth with a healthy pregnancy. He wanted to do the test to rule out the d/o.. If I tried to go through another pregnancy without treatment, there would be a good chance for another adverse outcome. So it is a good thing to know, not for the cause, but for prevention of another SB.. did she suggest genetic testing since she hought it may have had a part? I dunno.. Anyway, I think that another women got tested further along in her prenancy.. But I think the sooner the better.. and your MW is right it may not be a factor, but I am not sure that is good enough.. I hate to sound so harsh.. but If I had been tested proir to my pregnancy there is a good chance that I would have had Luke in my arms today...

I hope your depression eases up some soon.. It will be nine weeks for me tomorrow and I feel that some of the fog has lifted.. I did cry last night and this morning but went to the gym and worked out and feel much better.. please take good care of yourself.. I will be thinking of you..

I think I share Luke's picture because I don't want to let people forget, or to show them that I really did have a son. I know that Coral is beautiful and it is a personal decision to share or not share her picture!

Sarah


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Sarah...
Thanks for your answers. I talked to my mother yesterday and she said she would pass along the names of the tests/panels for the blood clotting d/o to her friend who is a obgyn and to whom they always refer obgyn-ish questions to- he was very helpful when I had my uterine tumor, and she will ask him about what he thinks of it all. It is so strange to be wrestling with this issue- I want answers, but feel uncomfortable asking for them. Yes, my CNM thinks that from her physical observations that there is a chance that Coral could have had genetic problems- none she personally had ever seen or knows about, even, but I think she is waiting on the results as much as I am- she commented that in her experience with stillbirth, it it almost a relief to see a knot in the cord, because there is a concrete answer right away. Coral's eyes were large- the consulting obgyn thought it could have been from anything, our CNM still feels that it could be genetic, some syndrome she doesn't know about, possibly, but she still says things to make me think it will never be known. I don't know what I am hoping for- if her tests come back positive for a chromosonal problem, then we have to totally enter the world of genetic counseling, etc, and it will make the next TTC so much more complicated. I really know nothing about this world- am feeling its too soon to delve into it if there turns out not to be a reason to right now. If the tests come back negative, it means that Corals' death will be an 'unknown', which is so difficult to accept- as her mother I want to know if she was sick or had other health issues. I just love her so much!!

I am wondering, Sarah, because you are planning another baby, but waiting a few months, do you think about it alot? I know we will wait till June/mid-July before TTC, if we can, and in some ways I know that it is in the future, so I don't have to think about it, or shouldn't because I don't want to become obsessive about it. I think about it anyway. If we miss the June opportunity we have to wait till December for timing. Are you at a point where distractions enable you to put the thoughts out of your mind for a while? I'm just wondering when I am going to feel like distraction, like doing things again. Probably when I return to work, but even then I worry I won't care too much about what I'm doing because of my thoughts about Coral and TTC. You're are six weeks ahead of me- just wondering what it's like up the road a bit. You're in my thoughts today. Coral's Mom


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's Mom-

Quote:

I want answers, but feel uncomfortable asking for them
Please don't let yourself feel uncomfortable when asking questions.. It is not that you are questioning the integrity of your MW or Dr. but that you have lost your Precious Coral and need all the answers you can get.. you may come up with nothing.. but can get rid of any guilt of why didn't I ask?? You can ask now or later.. so take your time.. I felt kinda bad asking questions at first too. But then I decided that I didn't care and my Dr. didn't make me feel like my questions were silly either.

Quote:

you are planning another baby, but waiting a few months, do you think about it alot?
I do think about it a lot.. I don't get hung up on it like I was at first.. but I so much want a baby.. I give myself hope by talking about TTC in late July or August.. but that time may come and pass as I might change my mind to wait longer.. I just like talking about TTC again late summer.. we shall see..

Quote:

Are you at a point where distractions enable you to put the thoughts out of your mind for a while?
It has been two months and almost two weeks since we lost Luke.. I tried to go back to work part-time the end of March, but I went in for one day and felt a little overwhelmed. I have been going in 2 to 3 days a week just hanging around the office and doing paper work. I have not started seeing ct's yet. I will go back full-time MAy 1st.. I think that getting out of the house in the begining was hard for me.. I would go out to lunch with a friend or shopping and then all of a sudden 1 to 2 hours later felt like I have to be home.. but it gets easier with time.. I signed up at a local gym and have been going everyday.. even if I just do 30 min cardio I feel a lot better.. Plus it is something I can control.. Luke dying I couldn't control, my grief I can't control, what happens next time.. I can take precautions, but not control.. driving to the gym everyday and working out.. I got that one under control and that means something to me!! I hope you can find something.. yoga, walking, a new hobby/old hobby that you can start to help you start to live in the moment a little and get back to a "new normal" . But be sure to take your time with the grief.. sit with it when it comes, feel it, then move on.. it is ok to grieve.. It will get better.. I have my good days and bad.. more good than bad lately!! I try to concentrate on getting healthy and that seems to incorporate all my future plans!! Take care and I am here whenever you need to talk.

Sarah


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Sarah 9774 and Corals mom-
I have been reading through this thread and feel hopeful that things will get better, but also thankful that I'm not crazy about how I am feeling now. I am currently obsessing about having another baby. Unfortunately my husband isn't sure how he feels about it. I know he thinks we should wait to make a decision until I am feeling a bit better, but I feel like knowing we were going to try again, even if not knowing when, would help me to feel better. I daydream about being pregnant again, but I gues it is stillto soon, because sometimes I'm not sure if the daydream is about the pregnancy I lost or the new one I would like. OK, that sounds really crazy, doesn't it?


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Quote:

I daydream about being pregnant again, but I gues it is stillto soon, because sometimes I'm not sure if the daydream is about the pregnancy I lost or the new one I would like. OK, that sounds really crazy, doesn't it?
No I don't think that sounds crazy.. I often wonder the same thing.. sometimes I feel like I am still waiting for Luke to be in my arms.. I look at his picture a full term perfect baby.. and it is hard not to daydream about him.. I know in my heart that he isn't coming back.. but I do think about him often.. as far as having another babt.. I don't obsess as much as I was.. but my husband too is kinda scared I guess is the word.. he thinks that it is too soon to talk about it.. but it will come.. I think by the end of July or August is when I will be ready.. but as I posted before.. it could be longer.. just hang in there your perspective will change many times as the grief process unfolds..


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i think it must be a combination of many things that makes the feeling of wanting another baby so strong after a pregnancy/infant loss. the obvious one is that your body and mind are in 'baby-mode', you are already thinking about it, and it would be strange to just stop thinking about those things. another one is the natural hormones your body is producing- they seem to make you just have to be raising a baby right then. i think there must be another cause, though. i think it must be like an ancient, instinctual need that affects us deep in our psyche, the mothering spirit, or something like that...may sound corny, but i am convinced there is something else deeper working here.
they say you have to be able to know that you aren't 'replacing' the child that you lost. i don't think i ever had an issue with that right from the get-go.
but dealing with the fears of another pregnancy and having the same thing happen, that is definately something i am going to have to work on, probably for years to come... it was a traumatic thing to happen, and there will always be scars to remind me of my fear.
it seems like you have a very healthy perspective, sarah... taking the time to let things settle and heal, knowing things may change, and going with the flow of what may come.
i still feel pretty hardcore about the desire to have a baby (to raise) with my partner... there is the possibility/maybe probability that we are going to have to wait until _late December_ to try again, if we miss our little window of opportunity in June- and that's if I can get my cycle back in due time! so i know that there may be a need for a conscious tempering of this desire for a new pregnancy.

i just want to quickly comment on how when i am writing about having a new baby, i feel so hesitant on how to phrase this- my experience with coral has shown me that you can't count on anything happening the way you think it will... so when i write 'a new baby', 'a new pregnancy', 'another child', 'a new baby-to raise', i just feel like i am somehow _assuming_ that this will happen, but i don't want to assume anything anymore. i feel like i have to be so vague... 'we _may_ want to _plan_ for a baby, but only if nothing goes wrong'... it is so different than how i thought about coral's pregnancy. i totally took it for granted that sometime in march, 05, i'd be in her nursery rocking her to sleep. i feel like i was so stupid!! blind! when we saw a new batch of expectant parents at the hospital leaving their childbirth class, all holding their pillows and fact sheets, we both commented that they had such an innocent look about them, and our innocence had been totally and forever robbed from us. this is a hard thing to deal with.

on the other hand, i wouldn't want to 'rob' a future baby of my excitement in their existance, their expected arrival. it is a terrible outlook, to be scared to do anything because of 'what-ifs'... i want to give the baby inside me that same delirious, obliviously happy experience that coral must have felt inside me. this is my goal, i guess. to be healed enough to give that to the next baby.

sarah & race_kelly, i just want to give you both a







. it helps so much to be understood and listened to..


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

Thanks for sharing your feelings.. it is interesting that we share so much of the same fears, hopes and wants in this group.. and it is comforting to know that we are not alone. I hope tonight is a peaceful one for you..

Sorry this is so short but I don't feel much like typing..

hugs to you all too.

SArah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
Thinking of you today. Hope you are hanging in there. Sending







to you.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

Thanks for thinking of me.. I think of you often too.. I have been doing ok.. just kinda going throught the motions.. I have had days where I thought everything was going ok, and then fall apart.. It seems like it never ends.. but I know in time, in time.. I am trying to focus on getting healthy so that I will be ready when TTC again. It feels good to workout and eat healthier, but boy do I miss the ice cream..

Today is 10 weeks it seems like just yesterday.. I look at his pictures and wonder where he is and what he is doing now..

I hope that your days are getting brighter.. I know how hard it is.. love to you mamma..

SArah


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

Sarah, I've been thinking of you too. Hang in there hon.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Reva-

Thanks, it's nice to hear from you.. hope you are doing well.. How are you?? I am trying to get back to work.. will be going back full time May 2nd


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I'm ok. Some days are better than others I guess. How do you feel about going back full time? For me it was a relief to have something to take my mind off of losing Ryan, so going back to work was a welcomed thing.

Hang in there!


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Reva-

I have been going to work off and on part-time.. I am looking forward to it.. It will be good I think too.. I am just a little anxious about seeing my clients again.. I work with juveniles and when they were told what happened it really had an impact on them.. but I will get there. Take care and I will keep you up to date!!

SArah


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Well, I have not been here in a while, but just wanted to check in and see how things were.. It has been just over 7 month's since my Luke was born still. And though my heart still hurts for him.. it does seem to be a little bit easier.. but it seems like the emotions still overcome me at times, the waves that were knocking me down are just getting further and further apart. I just wanted to post this in hopes that others can see that it will get better.. peace to all of you..

Sarah


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Thank you for updating us... I'm glad to hear you're having more good days...that's definately helpful to hear that it gets better... Peace, mama...


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Sarah,
I am so glad to hear that things are improving. I still often think about you and Luke. It is like all the mothers and lost babies have made an imprint on my soul that I will never forget. I recently went through my Sept. 12 due date, and decorated a beautiful box with dss and dh and put all the things in it from my pregnancy and misscariage in it. Although I am still sad and miss Therese, the rawness seemed to pass a bit, and it gave me a bit of closure and more peace. I hope that all the mothers who have lost a little one will find that and more as time passes on.


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)




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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Hi Sarah,
It is nice to see you post, and I am glad to hear you are doing alright. I have also been feeling better as time passes and I am starting to think about what to do for Addie's birthday as it is just a few months away. That has sort of been stirring up some emotions and so I have been lurking around here a bit. I think of you and Luke often. Sending my love your way....
Angela


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

My Sweet Sarah,
You know how much I love you? A WHOLE LOT!!!!
Thanks for checking in!!!

Angela,
So good to hear from you. Will be thinking of Addie as her birthday gets closer.
Love and Peace mama!!!!


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Sarah, I've just been reading your posts about Luke, and everyone's replies. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading about light at the end of the tunnel gives hope. I am so grateful that my four losses were miscarriages; I can't even begin to imagine your pain. My farthest along mc was 13 wks, and I saw my tiny baby boy, completely formed, perfect but never to be. I just want you to know that I am so glad that you are healing, and my heart goes out to you and all the other mothers of stillborn children.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Liz- Thank you for your compassion.. I too am sorry for your losses.. they are still as important as my Luke was and I know that they were just as difficult to bear.. Thank you again, and peace to you..

Angela- It is so good to hear from you.. I have thought about you a lot and hoped you were fairing well.. I know that Addie and Luke are smiling down on us.. and I will be thinking of you both as her birthday approaches.. I am going to TTC starting the end of November.. Any thoughts for TTC for you? How is your little one doing?

race_kelly- thanks for checking in with me..the box sounds like a wonderful idea.. I hope that you are healing mama...

AllyRae- Thank you for the support and I hope you are doing well mama.. hugs to you..

Jackie- YOu are always so sweet and I love you!!

Thank you to everyone here that has been such a support... you have really gotten me through some rough times..

Love
Sarah


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Deleted duplicate


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
We actually began to TTC in August and got pregnant our first month of trying. I am about 10 weeks along and due the end of April. That is another reason I have been lurking here a bit, this new pregnancy has stirred up tons of emotions and fears. I am cautiously excited as well but just kind of expected to be trying a few months before we actually got pregnant so it kind of took us by surprise.
Anyway, I am glad to hear you guys will be ready to try in November, I will be thinking of you and sending baby dust your way.
Take care,
Angela


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

s

Thinking of you. It's encouraging to hear that the "waves of emotions" get fewer and far between.







s


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela- Oh, I am so happy for you!! I know that you must be anxious.. but this is a new chapter for you.. Be strong, and know that you will be in my prayers... Does the Dr. have you on anything other than PN? I will be looking for your updates! Any thoughts of coming to MOA?

HDM- hugs to you..


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
My OB has me on lovenox injections, a folate vitamin, and a prenatal. I had my first appointment on Friday and she did an ultrasound just to give me some piece of mind. The baby looked good and I think it helped the reality sink in a little more for me. I will meet with a perinatalogist at 20 weeks since I am high risk and have a level II ultrasound. I will be sure to keep you updated along my journey.
Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Angela-

I am glad that the baby looks good!! I know that it has got to be reassuring.. I think that I am going to be on the same meds and vitamins you are.. right now he has me on 81 mg baby aspirin, xtra folic acid, pn vitamins and upon positive pregnancy test I will be taking the Lovenox shots daily..

Please, please keep me posted by pm or this thread.. I will do the same!! Grow baby Grow!!!!


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Sarah,
I am so sorry I am just getting used to this postings thing and I thought on my way to work that I had done something wrong (used your thread). So please accept my apologies. I have tried to delete my story and put this message in instead so I hope it works.
I was touched and very upset when I read all your postings which made me want to start to talk to other people about my first baby - 'Angel Emily' (38 weeks gestation) Born still 26th July 2005. I don't know how 'you' feel but I can certainly undestand the loss of a child (devastating). So please know that I have been thinking of you and your beautiful baby.
Em's Mummy


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Em's mummy-
Please.. no need to apologize.. you are welcome to post here.. I have not been here in a while.. I am sorry to hear of your loss as well.. I hope you are healing..

Sarah


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