# Moms of children with different colour skin...



## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I know that title doesn't make a lot of sense but I couldn't figure out how to word it.

I am white. Scottish & French ancestry although my family has been in north america for nearly 300 years. My husband is Filipino. His parents immigrated to Canada about 40 years ago. Together we have produced a child with the most beautiful, creamy light brown skin and gorgeous asian eyes.

Do you ever get asked really rude questions about your children?

The other day I had the following conversation with a stranger:

*Lady: Where is he from? *Pointing at Logan*
Me: Huh? Excuse me?
Lady: Where did you get him?
Me: Um, from my belly.
Lady: Oh ... he's just so ... dark.
Me: *Mouth hanging open in shock**

I have also been asked on other occasions if I "watch" him every day.

He has a pretty obvious speech delay and is quite large for his age and once at the grocery store I heard a mother telling her son that my son was talking "like that because he probably hadn't learned english yet."

How do you deal with people thinking that your kids are adopted? Do you deal with it at all?

I have considered getting him a t-shirt that says "I am not adopted" but then again, it's nobody's business.

Ahhh, now I know why we need a multicultural family subforum.


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## LotusBirthMama (Jun 25, 2005)

my sister is also married to a filipino, but i'm not sure if she's ever had comments. we had a friend who was blonde/blue eyed w/ a filipino dh. their dd was blonde w/ no filipina resemblance while their ds looked to be full filipino. they used to have great fun w/ the comments, saying dd was the husbands kid and ds was hers. you could see people trying to figure it out in their minds.

my son, otoh, is black and adopted. we have two other very white kids and people are always asking me vague questions like, "oh...you were married before....?" sometimes i explain the situation and other times i just say no, these are all our kids and let the asker be confused.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

One of my close friends is as white as wonder bread and her son's bio dad is from Guyana so her son has very dark features (black hair, brown eyes, chocolate skin) -- to make matters more delicate, she is now a single mama, so it is just her and her son (no partner with her when they go out so people can go "oooooh, I get it" or make the connection that one parent is a person of color.)

She handles it with humor mostly (she is a really funny person by nature). For example, her picture on myspace is one of her and her son and the caption reads "Me and my son... no, he is not adopted lol"

It is extremely rude of people imo -- even if a child were adopted (which is nothing to be ashamed of!) it is still rude to ask questions like "where did you get him" and the like -- he is a person, not a freaking souvenier.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

People can be so insensative.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
One of my close friends is as white as wonder bread and her son's bio dad is from Guyana so her son has very dark features (black hair, brown eyes, chocolate skin) -- to make matters more delicate, she is now a single mama, so it is just her and her son (no partner with her when they go out so people can go "oooooh, I get it" or make the connection that one parent is a person of color.)

She handles it with humor mostly (she is a really funny person by nature). For example, her picture on myspace is one of her and her son and the caption reads "Me and my son... no, he is not adopted lol"


Ooh, this is me in 5 weeks! DH is from Guyana, and I'm almost transparent I'm so white. I expect around here that it won't be an issue, as there are lots of mixed couples in our small community. But elsewhere, I wonder if people will comment. Or, if they don't comment, what will they be thinking?

I do need a few good comebacks handy for if/when the time comes.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

I don't have adopted kids (yet...been waiting and waiting!), and i dont have bio kids "of color", however i do have a child with very conspicous features....he's a redhead. I am not. When he was little, up until about a year ago (he's almost 11)we would get asked *every single time we left the house* some variation on "Where'd ya get that red hair???"

"does his father have red hair???"

"What *beautiful* red hair!!!"

"Is your husband a redhead??"

"Does red hair run in your family??"

Its as if these people think they are the *only* person in the whole world to see that my son's hair is red, and they must comment on it. It gets really old really fast, esp for my son who doesnt like being the center of attention w/ a bunch of strangers. And its not like redheads are even that uncommon anymore. And when his hair was really long, he got even more comments, including people thinking he was a girl, and telling him he should be a girl with such "beautiful red hair!!!"

So, while this doesnt address the bigger issue of living in a multicultiral/multiracial family, and dealing with people thinking your child is adopted, it isnt that different from families who's kids ARE adopted, or who have kids who look different from other children. You're getting a taste of the kind of rudeness adoptive parents/kids face on a daily basis, unfortunately. I choose to think that even though people are being incredibly rude in asking intrusive questions, they are probably just curious/interested....lots of kids are adopted internationally now, and so the assumption is your child is adopted. I inquired on two boys of Vietnamese heritage on an adoption photolisting (wasnt chosen), and could picture myself, when asked "where are they from? Where'd you get them???" telling people "Uh...Texas!"

People can be lame. How old is your child? When/if he is old enough to understand, i would just explain it like that...that people may assume he's adopted because he doesnt look just like you, that lots of kids are adopted from Asian countries, and that people are sometimes rude w/o meaning to be.

Katherine


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## Oka-san (Jan 3, 2006)

Yes, I get these questions a lot also. I'm white, with light skin and brown hair, and DD, whose father is Japanese, has darker skin and beautiful Japanese-looking eyes. She looks very Japanese, although you can see that she has one white parent, too, if you pay attention. She's starting to look more like me. Still, people ask those kinds of things often: "Where did you get her?" "Where did she come from?" "Oh, did you adopt her?" "Did you have to go overseas to get her?"

I just try to remind myself that:

1) Each person who asks me the question is asking for the first time. So although I've answered the same basic questions many, many times, for each asker, it's "new". It helps me stay calm and answer politely.

2) People aren't always going to be sensitive about these kinds of things. If I let it stress me out, then I'm the one who's going to be stressed, not the people who ask the questions. Similarly, answering politely is what helps ME deal with it. Being snappy or rude with people would end up in ME feeling bad later on, and I don't want that! So I just say things like "Well, her dad is Japanese, and she takes after him." Or "Yes, she looks just like her daddy." Things like that.

Although I did read in a magazine last month about a woman who, when people ask her where her daughter came from, answers "From my uterus." She said it makes her feel better and lowers the stress she feels when she's inevitably asked "the question".


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

I'm black and my dh is white, thus our children (4 and 8 months)are biracial. Fortunately, I haven't encountered any questions or rude comments, but I have seen t-shirts that were made for the reasons you described in the OP.

Quote:

I have considered getting him a t-shirt that says "I am not adopted" but then again, it's nobody's business.
Warning: They have been known to stir up a bit of controversy, but it's worth a look.

http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_nanny.html


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## Turtlecouple (May 11, 2004)

I just wanted to add that the way you respond to these questions will have an effect on how your child will view himself as a multi-racial person. I'm "mixed" and grew up with questions from strangers. My parents just would say "my wife is japanese" or " my husband is white". In fact, now that I think about it, my dad love having mixed kids...he'd kinda brag about it! I never had racial identity issues. I have multi-racial friends who's parents would make snappy comment to rude questions and they ended up feeling shame about their mixed heritage.

I agree with Oka-san, some people aren't going to be sensitive about it, all you can do is decide how you want to react to it.


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## sweettalker (Jul 19, 2007)

Oka-san, I think that's a really excellent list. Especially this: "Each person who asks me the question is asking for the first time. So although I've answered the same basic questions many, many times, for each asker, it's "new"."

I've tried to keep that in mind when I've been in similar situations, and it's really helped me keep perspective.

But people really can be insensitive, can't they?

That said, I do think some of those questions _can_ be just be people trying to make conversation; appearance is just an obvious thing to talk about. Not to dismiss your concern, as there are plenty if idiots out there. But people feel free to comment on my son's appearance all the time when we're out -- his eyes! his hair! his size! his eyelashes! And some people may simply be curious -- in a goodhearted, interested about the people around them kind of way -- and your child's apparent multiracialism is something more interesting than talking about than the weather. So _maybe_ some of them are just innocent -- albeit truly clueless -- about the import of what they're asking.

But still, urgh!!


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 

"Where'd ya get that red hair???"

I've taken to whispering conspiratorally "I think she dyes it"


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
Warning: They have been known to stir up a bit of controversy, but it's worth a look.

http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_nanny.html

I've thought about getting the Whitebread + Rice onefor him before but it's just more than I want to spend on a t-shirt that will inevitably be covered in blackberries by the end of the day.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I'm Irish American, married Irish American, and produced, well, an Irish American daughter. But the reason I clicked this thread was because coincidentally (for me at least) I was sort of that annoying other mama this very morning. Sort of. (Cause I didn't say anything, I kept all my thoughts in my head).

I was waiting outside this fine morning for my ride to work. I noticed people walking on the street while I waited. Among those people I saw a boy and a woman walking together. I saw he was dark, and then I saw the mom was white. And, I wondered what their relationship was. Sorry, sounds bad, but I did. At least I can say my first guess was that they were mother and son, but I also wondered if he was adopted, or if there was a different relationship (such as he was her student, or a neighbor's sion, or any number of other guesses).

Honestly, though, I would never dream of asking her, or staring at them. But I definitely wondered.

These days mixed race relationships are still so relatively rare that it isn't automatic for most people, I think. It's odd in our supposedly "melting-pot" society, but here we are. Our kid's generation won't be making the same assumptions as our generation; it will be common for them to see mixed-race families. And we're much more used to mixed-race adoptions thanks to certain celebrities, etc. We're more sensitive to some other stuff than we used to be - recognize people might be adopted, or part of blended families. Or that a family might have two moms or two dads. OK, the culture is not totally accepting of that yet but it's certainly entered our consciousness for processing now. Mixed race families are also moving into cultural consciousness.

Also, mixed-race individuals are also needing to fit in somewhere. I said I was Irish-American but like most people I'm a mutt. And that includes 1/8 Cherokee. So while I really do not have that cultural heritage at all (not taught any of that culture, period), whenever I am asked to select my race and can only choose one, I wonder what the heck mixed people are supposed to do. Sometimes I check two or check other - mixed - since my blood is really mixed (and whose isn't really?). So your kids are really going to lead the way to changing that.

Anyway, I don't really have anything constructive to add, but just that it really is new for a lot of people. Doesn't make it any less annoying for you, and it doesn't make it any more right for people to be rudely intrusive.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I am extremely white with dyed red hair. I used to be blonde but I found that people were nicer to me once I became a redhead.

DS's bio dad is Mexican. When I lived in KS, it was a daily occurrence for someone to go all bug-eyed with wonder that he was _my_ child. Idiots.
He looks exactly like me except he's dark with dark eyes and black hair. The only people who have a problem seeing that are _people who only see color._

When I moved to the Bay Area of San Francisco, I never heard another comment. Later we moved to Napa, and again, no comments. Now we're in Hawaii, and DS is lucky to be dark, because white people are the ones who encounter prejudice here.

It's sad that people are so negative and feel the need to make comments about our romantic choices and the differences within our families. I'm glad that DS was young enough to not really notice most of the comments, and I'm sad that DD is feeling the race based hatred here.

I still don't know how to respond other than with open mouthed shock.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Ugh! People really can be insensitive. My daughter has a Japanese name, and when people would ask about it, I'd explain that her father is Japanese. It really got me when people would say, "But she looks so white!" as if it were a compliment.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

yep, I'm am AA and my daughter is , too.Well, my hubby's mom is white...so that would make her...1/4 white....anywho he (DH) came out pretty nice bronzy color ...so am I, and so is my son (from previous relationship)...our daughter is the brightest one in the family...she was in the NICU at birth for sleep apnea and the nurses tried to kick us out of her cubicle because they didn't think she was ours at first!!
Here are we


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## ggs (Aug 6, 2007)

I'm Indian (South Asian) and DH is white, so our kids are a nice caramel color, with light brown eyes and hair. DH has dark blonde hair and blue eyes, I have dark skin, black hair and dark brown eyes.

DH gets stares and comments way more than I do, because the kids,just from their coloring, look more like me. But in reality, DS is the spitting image of DH, minus the blond hair and blue eyes. DH usually gets comments like, DD/DS look nothing like you, or, are you their father, or something similar. I've only had one comment directed at me. We were at a park, and DS and I were sitting on a park bench watching DD play, and the woman next to me kept glancing over. I smiled at her once, but she didn't say anything, so I ignored her. Finally, she said, "is that your son?" I said yes. She said, "his father must be white." Um, yeah. That was it, that was all she said.







: Strange how people think it's their business to know about your family make-up.

Anyways, we don't make a big deal out of it when people stare at us, or make comments to DH. I don't want the kids to think there is something wrong with them/us, or that we should be defensive about our family. I'm not sure how we'd react to overt racism-- luckily we haven't had to deal with that yet.


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## curvyred (Jan 27, 2006)

We're an interracial couple--I'm white, DH is AA, and we adopted our son who is about as dark as DH--a little darker actually. We get a lot of confused comments.

The other day I had the following conversation with a checker at the Gap.

Her-- "Is that your baby?"

Me--"Yes"

Her--"Huh . . . he doesn't LOOK mixed."

Me . . . went on my merry way. Most of the time I'd probably say, "He isn't" but I wasn't up for it that day. I have a policy that I don't get into details with strangers in public based only on random comments. If somebody wants to be bold enough ask me specific questions, and I have time to talk, we can have a conversation. But I don't reward "fishing" expeditions. I figure if you think it's too rude to ask the question, it's even more rude to go fishing with random comments.

We had another woman who saw DH, babe and I all together at the store. She was there with her kids--white mom, biracial kids. She asked the general, "Is he your son?" and we said yes, then she said, "But he's so dark! And his hair is so curly!" I kid you not . . . EIGHT times. It was annoying as heck. I've had people who just looked at the three of us and said, "You must have adopted him!" and somehow I find that WAY less annoying.

And yeah, I know what people probably mean when they ask "Is he yours?" but he's my son . . . I'm not the nanny or the babysitter and he doesn't need to spend his whole life hearing me say, "No, he's not mine." Yes, it's the first time for the person asking the question, but it's the eighteenth time that week for my son, and that's a far greater concern for me once he's old enough to know what's being asked.

Life will get really interesting when we have bio kids as well. I knew of an adoptive mom who had bio and adopted biracial AA/CC kids. Once a man asked if her son was adopted to which she replied, "Yes! How could you tell?"


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## Girlsmama (Jul 14, 2007)

So glad i found this thread! My oldest two DDs are biracial (white and Black) and one time about a year ago i was at a store with all my girls and this old lady came up and commented on my two younger DD's who are white, and then she started to rave about my 'friends kids' i just told her that are my kids also, and she said sorry but trust me i have had worse expericences.

My dh, who considers our oldest DDs as his own, (they are from a previous relationship) gets it alot when he's out with them by himself, or when he goes to their school to eat lunch with them, sometimes kids dont understand but my dh tends to just make a joke about it, he's a funny guy.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

We get that a bit at our house. My son and I are *VERY* fair skinned. I mean, if it weren't for our hair and eyes, we could be mistaken for albino. I have green eyes and light brown hair- my son is paler than pale, with red hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles. My Hubby's almost as pale, but he's got dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. My stepdaughter, however, is another story. Her Maternal Grandparents were Cicilian (Did I spell that right?) and she's got medium brown hair and dark brown hair and light brown skin, and especially by the end of the summer, medium brown skin. Even though you can tell we're all "white", I've gotten some snide comments, along the lines of, "Oh, she's your stepdaughter? I *KNEW* she couldn't be related to *YOU*." and, in front of the kids, "They're sister and brother! No they're not! Look at them, you can tell they're not really related, they look *NOTHING* alike!". Drives me crazy.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

I can't tell you how disgusted I would feel if I saw a child wearing a shirt that said "I'm not adopted". For point of reference, think of how offensive it would be if a dark skinned kid wore a shirt that said "I'm not black". Or a slightly built boy wore the shirt "I'm not gay".

Having said that, I agree strongly with the pp who stated that it is far more your reaction that will define how your dc feel about the encounter (and about themselves), and not nearly so much the choice of words of some clueless stranger on the street.

When someone comments on dd's ethnic appearance, regardless of how awkwardly they might do it, I always respond proudly and with simple honesty. I think it would be horrifically damaging to her if she saw me react to a question about her ethnicity by standing there with my mouth hanging open.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed* 
I think it would be horrifically damaging to her if she saw me react to a question about her ethnicity by standing there with my mouth hanging open.


Horrifically damaging?







Are you serious? I have caused horrific damage by being surprised?


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## astrophe27 (Aug 27, 2007)

DD is 3rd generation mixed.

My father is 50% American and 50% hispanic.

He married my mother, 100% chinese.

That results in me -- 50% Chinese, 25% American, 25% Hispanic.

I married 100% American DH.

Which results in 62.5% American, 25% Chinese and 12.5 Hispanic daughter.

I grew up just used to people trying to figure out my mix, and now we've grown used to people trying to figure out DD's mix when she's out with just one of us. When she's with me, her American side sticks out more in comparison to my Asian features. When she's with blond hazel eyed dad, her Chinese and Hispanic sides stick out more.

If people aren't trying to be mean like screaming racial slurs or something... I figure they are just curious. It's old hat stuff to us, but it is new to them. So I just answer politely -- that we're a multicutlural family.

We live in a medium city, so we don't get much flak for being a mixed couple. But then again... DH points out that here in the South, the mix that would incite more negative commentary would be Caucasian + African American. Our is mostly Caucasian + Asian -- so we'd have to live elsewhere in the US for that blend to cause more controversy... like it used to on the west coast.

Those old feelings linger in regional sub cultures.

A.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *astrophe27* 
DD is 3rd generation mixed.

My father is 50% American and 50% hispanic..

It would be interesting to define the 'american' aspect of your dd's heritage. English? Irish? Dutch? German? Also the 'hispanic'. Mexican? Guatemalan? Spanish?

Dh is 3/4 German, 1/4 Scotch-Irish. I'm English, Irish, Dutch, Scandinavian (not better defined that that, I"m afraid), Spanish and Native American. Dd is Han Chinese, but clearly has silky red tinted brown hair and almond eyes, such that it's apparent there is some european heritage in her past.


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## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

I come from a multi-colored family and so I never take anything for granted...I've been on the other end of the stick, assuming someone's nanny was the mother! LOL They always give me a look like "are you stupid? he's obviously not mine!" but in my world it's not so obvious....

FWIW, my family is hispanic and white - my hubby is italian and swedish - we are both olive skinned with dark hair (he has brown eyes, I have blue) - we have one brown eyed, brown haired olive girl and this ruddy, blond, blue-eyed fella - neither of my kids look like each other - but none of my cousins and I look alike either - we range from black to blond/white....

Maybe things will change in another generation...
peace,
robyn


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Ironically enough, we stopped at Starbucks on the way home from a shopping trip and dd and I were parked in a corner while dad waited for our drinks at the counter. There was a young couple with a baby sitting next to us, and they watched dd and I interacting with interest. The father then pointed to dd and said "What nationality is she?"

I could have answered that her nationality is - of course - American, and did they by chance mean her heritage? Or maybe looked at them bug eyed and said "Excuse me?"

But I smiled and tousled dd's hair affectionately, and said "Dd was born in China, right dd?" Dd smiled and nodded at them, and they responded with broad smiles of their own. The dad then added "She's just so beautiful." I smiled again and said "Yes, we think so too."

It was a nice moment.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippymomma69* 
Maybe things will change in another generation...
peace,
robyn

I personally think that's an inevitability.. I seem to remember somewhere reading that in 2 more genrations, we'd be largely 'mixed' on a global scale, with very little 'pure' percentages left (that we'll all be 'brownish')

I laugh inside when folks tally up percentages... jealous a bit since I've no idea what mine is. I'm part of a whole new era of ethnicity questions wherein the questioned simply can't answer. My mom was artificially inseminated in the 70's when it was still brand new and not well documented, etc.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed* 
Ironically enough, we stopped at Starbucks on the way home from a shopping trip and dd and I were parked in a corner while dad waited for our drinks at the counter. There was a young couple with a baby sitting next to us, and they watched dd and I interacting with interest. The father then pointed to dd and said "What nationality is she?"

I could have answered that her nationality is - of course - American, and did they by chance mean her heritage? Or maybe looked at them bug eyed and said "Excuse me?"

But I smiled and tousled dd's hair affectionately, and said "Dd was born in China, right dd?" Dd smiled and nodded at them, and they responded with broad smiles of their own. The dad then added "She's just so beautiful." I smiled again and said "Yes, we think so too."

It was a nice moment.


I love those moments. When they happen to us (dh is Cambodian, was adopted, and rasied in the Pac. N.W.; I'm Canadian mystery mix) we are pleasant and try to be humorous when we can.

Dd, 3 in Nov., is fascinated at brown-ness... "My daddy is big and brown and I love him." "Are you brown, Mama?" I answer, "Well, I have brown freckles, and brown hair... and I turn brown in the sun... what do you think?" She has a friend who was born in Pakistan, she calls her "My Brown friend" and another friend with strawberry blond hair and rosie cheeks she calls "My Pink friend".

Folks ask after her "Nationality" and I answer that "dh was born in Cambodia, and I was born in Canada, so actually, she's a 1st generation American."

People stare at her... openly gawk at her. She is so strinkingly pretty, and magnetic... folks are drawn to her. I try to model humility and graciousness along with a dose of humor... it'll go a long way.


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## peggyitaly (May 3, 2004)

Hi,
I'm an American living in Italy, married to an Italian. My dad is Chinese and mom is of european origins. I have darker skin and almond shaped eyes. My dd1 is very fair and looks like dh. I've had many comments like "Are the babysitter?"
I was annoyed at first, but now I just don't let it get to me.
Now i'm going to try and read other posts.

Peggy


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## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

we are a mixed/multi family and i have to say that i tend to hate the 'what are you/they?' questions in all forms (where are you from? what's your background? what does the father look like? do they have the same father?







: ) sometimes i ask "what do you mean?" or i say i'm from california and dc's are from nyc or i'll say "a little bit of everything" or i'll give the actual ethnic breakdown. it really depends on how it comes up. for the most part, it is 'white people' who ask and i think that my sensitivity to racism and prejudice also really affects my reaction to the question.

maybe it's not the most enlightened perspective and a part of me wishes i could be more like oka-san about the whole thing but i'm just not there.

i generally think it shows a lot of ignorance that people _need_ to know these things so they can categorize you in order to feel okay (or not) about your family's existence.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

We are a racially and culturally mixed family, and it's obvious. lol We don't get the questions because it is so obvious I didn't give birth to one of my children. Not even a question of being mixed. Maybe that makes it easier for people to not ask us pushy or rude questions?

For me, any questions would need to take into account what the intent of the person is. I love to talk about various cultural ideas, assumptions, foods whatever. Sometimes questions are people wanting to gain thoughtful information, so I am OK with some questions. I am not one who thinks "skin color or race doesn't matter' . I think it matters lots, and I think by sharing (with respect) we become emotionally richer and culturally knowledgeable.

That said, some people ask rudely, wrongly, ignorantly, and that is never a simple thing to deal with.

I also do not like the "No, I am not adopted' t-Shirt. That's just wrong.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *violetisadora* 
i generally think it shows a lot of ignorance that people _need_ to know these things so they can categorize you in order to feel okay (or not) about your family's existence.


As a member of a mixed race family, I don't think that is why I am curious about others. I also don't think I am ignorant for wondering how some families come to be. Heritage is interesting. I love learning where people are from etc. I wouldn't just approach someone out of the blue, but I think where we've come from, who we are , how we share our lives and background is a hugely interesting, wonderful topic.

I would never automatically equate curiosity and excitement about cultural background and ethnicity with ignorance.


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## ~gilli~ (Jun 30, 2005)

I get it and hate it too. My DH is white as wonder bread and I am African American. Together we have made 3 beautiful fair as fair can be kids! However, people ask me "where did you get them?" my uterus? is the best reply I have come up with, lol. I have also had people ask me if I was babysitting. Here, check them out!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v1...t=f42dfb19.pbw


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

~gilli~, your children are beautiful. Your oldest two could be twins...

I tend to be sarcastic. If someone asked me where did I get my kids, chances are, I'd tell them I got a great deal on them at a yard sale or maybe someone left them on my doorstep an a basket one night.









Someone above mentioned that they ask people because of curiosity. Maybe they do, but from the other end, it sounds like they can't believe you're family or even that your family is "different" or not a "real" family, by questioning your authenticity of being their parent. Know what I mean?


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## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
As a member of a mixed race family, I don't think that is why I am curious about others. I also don't think I am ignorant for wondering how some families come to be. Heritage is interesting. I love learning where people are from etc. I wouldn't just approach someone out of the blue, but I think where we've come from, who we are , how we share our lives and background is a hugely interesting, wonderful topic.

I would never automatically equate curiosity and excitement about cultural background and ethnicity with ignorance.

well i don't know you and so i wasn't referring to *you* when i wrote my response to the OP. maybe you don't, but plenty of people do come out of nowhere and rudely demand to know 'what' we are and how we are related to each other. heritage is interesting and yet i find it invasive and ignorant when strangers get 'excited' about my family's variations in skin color/hair etc.

i also don't agree that most people are as innocent as you make it seem and that is where my frustration comes from and what i am often responding to.


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## momof_3_boys (Aug 22, 2007)

I have very fair skin, light eyes, light hair. My husband is Mexican, and very dark. Our three boys look like their father.

Standing n line at the grocery store one day, my husband went to find something we had forgotten, and I was standing in line with the boys. A lady behind me asked if I made a lot of money babysitting so many kids. I didn't get what she was implying at first, so I just stood there. My husband walked up a few seconds later, and the lady just went pale.

I think she embarrassed herself enough, so I just let it go.

Multi-racial children are pretty common in my area, so I have not been in this situation but this once. I have no advice, but just wanted to comiserate with you.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *violetisadora* 
we are a mixed/multi family and i have to say that i tend to hate the 'what are you/they?' questions in all forms (where are you from? what's your background? what does the father look like? do they have the same father?







: ) sometimes i ask "what do you mean?" or i say i'm from california and dc's are from nyc or i'll say "a little bit of everything" or i'll give the actual ethnic breakdown. it really depends on how it comes up. for the most part, it is 'white people' who ask and i think that my sensitivity to racism and prejudice also really affects my reaction to the question.

maybe it's not the most enlightened perspective and a part of me wishes i could be more like oka-san about the whole thing but i'm just not there.

i generally think it shows a lot of ignorance that people _need_ to know these things so they can categorize you in order to feel okay (or not) about your family's existence.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *violetisadora* 
well i don't know you and so i wasn't referring to *you* when i wrote my response to the OP. maybe you don't, but plenty of people do come out of nowhere and rudely demand to know 'what' we are and how we are related to each other. heritage is interesting and yet i find it invasive and ignorant when strangers get 'excited' about my family's variations in skin color/hair etc.

i also don't agree that most people are as innocent as you make it seem and that is where my frustration comes from and what i am often responding to.

I've been taking part in the Racism Workshop here on MDC, and as a result, have had some paradigm shifting... your posts have got me thinking, and with your permission, I'd like to ask you about your experience... feel free to ignore my questions, or tell me off, if you'd rather not answer...









What would happen, how would you feel (would you feel differently) if the majority _was_ asking out of innocent inquiry? How would your experience differ if what you perceive now as rudeness or audacity revealed itself as an attempt to relate to or get to know you, and/or your family? If you were to allow for the idea that folks are _not_ attempting to categorize you, but rather are wishing to _know_ you or understand you, doing so through one of the first senses (visual acuity and relating through understanding that visual by giving it words), what happens to your history, your perceptions?

Incidentally, as a white-looking person (as I said above I don't know what I am, really, but I don't look totally anglo), I experience the opposite: mostly brownish folks ask what I am, and what dd is. Things always look different through someone else's lens, though, huh?

Anyway, I hope my questions didn't offend... just really wondering. Have a great day!


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## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

no offense taken PrennaMama







i am down to have these dialogues even when they are difficult - that's how we grow, right?

i've been sitting here trying to answer your questions for the past ten minutes and the truth is, i can't. i have so much anger and pain around issues of racism and oppression - it's very difficult for me to intellectualize it and hypothesize about "what ifs".

what if there was no racism? then i guess i wouldn't mind the questions but i also guess that they wouldn't be asked as much.

if someone wants to "get to know" me and my family or "understand" our history and experiences, then i would hope they might pick something other than "what are you/they?" as an opener.
i am more than happy to talk about my family and our experiences/heritage/etc with people that i already know or have some kind of connection with but don't come at me with that right off the bat.
talk to me about having kids in the city, talk to me about the weather or current events, ask me about my tattoos, ask me about my sling (but please don't ask if my baby can breath in there







). don't start a conversation asking why my children look the way they do or how the puzzle that is multiracial identity fits together in my family tree.

i have no way of knowing if someone's intentions are "innocent" or not unless i know them and unfortunately, racism is real and we have all internalized it to a certain degree and i just don't give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to that.

i don't know if that really counts as answering any of your questions but i'll keep thinking about them...

btw- thank you for your openness and gentle & respectful challenging.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *violetisadora* 

i also don't agree that most people are as innocent as you make it seem and that is where my frustration comes from and what i am often responding to.

I don't agree that I think all people are 'innocent'. Not sure where you got that... is this a conversation or a dissertation defence?









I like it when people have a lot to say, but being quizzed doesn;t feel friendly.

I can usually tell when people are curious Vs rude. I would not like to see people afraid to ask questions. That's how we learn-- from the source.

We're not an extrmely sensitive family. I do like top 'protect' my children, but that gets old fast. It's better, imo, to gently answer questions, however imperfectly they are asked. If I think a person is being a racist and rude asshole, I igrnore them.

I am not talking about racist rude assholes when I think about '
curiosity'. We've not be harrassed, in general. I did once get a lecture from someone who matched one of our family member's ethnicity, however. I took it in stride, knowing they cared about passing along info they felt was important. It had to do with making sure surgery was done to 'open the eyes'. We were told: "Your baby is so good- looking. It would be a shame to not do the surgery".

Odd questiuons and comments come from all sorts of places-- you can't always see it coming, and you can't really shut it down. Anyone 'different' is vulnerable to curiosity from *everywhere*. How we handle our fantastic diversity is up to us. We've been annoyed by some questions, and we've walked away. (My dh had been harrassed, long before we had children...so we've dealt with it on several levels). However, we try to be open to the spirit. I am not saying it's a cake walk. I am not saying some people are not frightening and dangerous. Just this is how *we* do this.


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## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I don't agree that I think all people are 'innocent'. Not sure where you got that... is this a conversation or a dissertation defence?









i guess i just equated "curiosity" with "innocence". kind of a 'gee wiz, i'm so excited to see a mixed/multi family. how'd that happen?'

as for the dissertation...







i guess i have a lot to say.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

*violetisadora*, thank _you_ for the chance to talk with you about your experience... and for being open to my inquiries. I can understand the anger and the difficulty. Race is so loaded with ancient paradigms and modern twists... it's so hard to even have a bead on my own feelings and perceptions and nail them down as "authentically mine" (not fed to me through the perceptions of those around me or those that came before me) much less another's personal story.

It's heavy... the weight of all that history... and it's not a burden I want dd laden with, kwim? But, as much as I want her to be free of racism and all its faces, it will sit on her shoulders as surely as it rests on ours, sister; I hope to reduce its weight a little with the openness we can share as modern mamas, exploring our perceptions and our experiences.

Blessings to you and your fam!


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

It is complicated. Some people do not know to keep a thought to themselves. I get "They don't have the same Dad right?" in front of the kids. They do, but whose business is that? Yes, they are different colors. Yes, she has straight hair, he has curly. No, I am not lying. And HELLO?!?! They are identical besides skin color!

I do not say all that of course. I have said "I don't know, waiting to hear back from Maury."

If it is worked into a friendly conversation, no biggie. But the blatant rude questions are jaw dropping! Add we/they are also not what is assumed it gets more complicated. As my kids have gotten older it has improved but now DD is moving into an older stage where I am sure kids may now begin to say DH is not her "real" Dad based on color and hair alone. They began telling her she was white at age 4 (grade school kids of varied ethnicities)... Then you have people who say "even if your child has a little "black" lineage, they will be seen as that!" No, not true, ask her. Add Dh is not african american albeit he has some african lineage... It is not all black and white people!

Race is such a joke.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *menudo* 
I do not say all that of course. I have said "I don't know, waiting to hear back from Maury."

.

OMG You rock!









I agree, it is complicated and it's good to keep talking to each other.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I used to get that a lot with my kids, especially when I just had one and she was a baby. I was asked if I was the nanny a couple of times even!!

I have come up with some smart-alec answers and other times I just answer in a straightforward manner. My smart answer is "I ate a lot of chocolate when I was pregnant and she just turned out like this! Amazing, huh?"









You can see pics of my family in the sig link.

My big issue right now is that my 6.5 year old considers herself Indian, not American or white. She looks so much like my dh and is a little confused about that right now. Luckily she is very confident and happy in every way and I'm not worried about it. She'll figure it out for herself, to her own satisfaction, someday.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Interesting thread! My family is mixed race/cultures and blended as I"m the steppmom. DP is black, I'm white, dsd 1 &2 are black/white mix, dss&dsd3 are Mexican/black, and I've got one on the way. We've actually not had too many questions about it, as people just assume they're all from me and DP. Of course, they all look nothing like me and very much like their dad.

When we lived in Vegas, one good thing I could say about that place, is that there is such a mix of cultures and mixed race people that it was really no big whoopdedoo. We've moved to Ohio, and sometimes I notice white folks around me act SHOCKED when I reference DP being black, or the kids' various mixes... Someone even said to me "well he is cute for a *whisper*black guy." I almost said, "no way, he's black?!?" But I just let it slide. I think mostly white folks, especially those who don't know many people of color, don't know how to address the differences, and are afraid to, because for so long and for so many of them still, there is venom behind the term.

I've spent a good bit of time with DP's fam, and I notice a very different way of speaking about race. They just address it and move on, but there's no disgustedness behind the word, it's just a descriptor. Just like any white folks would say, "she has brown hair", DP's fam might say, "go ask that mexican guy over there". That's it, nothing more, no underlying hatred in the word, no worry of it either. Of course, when I try to do that around white people, everyone freaks out - (like my family). If I reference dss1's tendency to address the family as "all ****** and ****** by association" they (the older folks in my fam)freak. I do feel it's good to use descriptions as only that, but I do think that white folks tend to be a little more cautious as the mainstream age old prejudices come from our lineage.

It's really funny when I say "my children's mom" (referring to dss& dsd3) is Mexican. People really don't get that one. heh. No one's ever asked me to explain how they're my children, if they already have a mom, but I just know that's brewin'. I figure, if there's no venom or hatred behind the questions, then it's a learning opportunity. If there is, then it's time to walk away.


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## mowilli3 (Jan 7, 2007)

I'm sorry you are getting that crap from people. I'm a brown African American. My DH is white. Our DD is very fair with blond hair and my DS is brown with brown hair. We get all kinds of double takes when we are out and I'm holding DD and DH is holding DS. We have gotten our share of rude comments. I think moms get more than dads, though, the saem as we get all the criticism about feeding them and all that.

People always ask me if I'm the sitter. I've started to expect it now, and I just respond with "I'm their care provide _and_ their mother." I think a good response to their ignorant questions is another question like:

"Why do you ask?"
"Could you elaborate on your question?"
"What do you mean by that?"

In cases where people make assumptions ask, "What makes you so sure?"

Then they have to come up with answers to their own ignorance. It gives you a chance to think of a comeback or just say, "I don't think that's any of your business. And we'd like to be left alone."

It takes practice because everytime you are approached, it throws you off guard.

I find it extremely intrusive even if people want to "learn." I am a highly educated person; both DH and I have taught in universities. But the subjects that we teach aren't around race and ethnicity, no university would pay either of us to teach a course on race. We just found each other and got married. That does not make us experts or teachers for monoracial families.

People ask me if I think DD's hair will stay blond, and I say, "I don't know." Why would I know something like that? I don't know anything about hair. Mine is the same color it was when I was born, so I'm guessing her hair will be the same color until it greys. My SIL kept asking DH if DD's skin were getting darker for an entire year. She might have been fascinated by the outcome of biracial genetics, but why treat a child (and her parents) like they are doing some kind of biology experiment? The part that bothers me about "curiosity" is that it treats us like we are here for other people's entertainment. The parents are too often asked to objectify our children to answer questions about their appearance from strangers, oftentimes it's 4-5 people approaching us a day. We just want to buy our groceries and get home for dinner, too. No multiracial families signed up to give our time to educating the public when we fell in love and had babies.

Good luck to all the mamas going through this. There are lots of us out here, and we know what you are going through.


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## mowilli3 (Jan 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
I am extremely white with dyed red hair. I used to be blonde but I found that people were nicer to me once I became a redhead.

DS's bio dad is Mexican. When I lived in KS, it was a daily occurrence for someone to go all bug-eyed with wonder that he was _my_ child. Idiots.
He looks exactly like me except he's dark with dark eyes and black hair. The only people who have a problem seeing that are _people who only see color._


That is sooo true. The same with my DD and me. We look just alike except that she's blond and fair and I'm brown with dark eyes and hair.


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## curvyred (Jan 27, 2006)

Mowilli raised a very good point that moms seem to catch a lot more comments and intrusive questions than dads. We've found that to be true--especially the intrusive touching. I can't keep peoples' hands out of my babe's hair, wheras only ONE person has tried that when DH had him.

Do you think that women are just more approachable in general, or do you think that people realize, at some level, that they're being rude and fear the consequences with men more so than women?


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

both


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

My DD who is an ethnic mix of about 7 different Asian and European "races" looks enough like me and enough like DH that neither one of us gets comments from anyone when we have her to ourselves.

But I do like the humorous responses some of you have. "She came from my uterus" had me in stitches.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *curvyred* 
Mowilli raised a very good point that moms seem to catch a lot more comments and intrusive questions than dads. We've found that to be true--especially the intrusive touching. I can't keep peoples' hands out of my babe's hair, wheras only ONE person has tried that when DH had him.

Do you think that women are just more approachable in general, or do you think that people realize, at some level, that they're being rude and fear the consequences with men more so than women?


I think it's both. Men give off a vibe of "don't mess" with me. People find it easier to speak to a woman because women are socialized to be nice and respond to others.


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## 50ftQueenie (Jan 24, 2007)

The next person who asks me, "Where'd you get that little Indian (Native) baby?" I'm going to answer, "From my vagina."
And it won't be long. Someone asks me about every 10 minutes.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *50ftQueenie* 
The next person who asks me, "Where'd you get that little Indian (Native) baby?" I'm going to answer, "From my vagina."
And it won't be long. Someone asks me about every 10 minutes.

Good comeback!!! Love it!!!!!


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## vermonttaylors (May 17, 2005)

That's funny because my kids ARE adopted and they are of a different ethnicity than me and I NEVER get asked. Go figure.


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## imahappymama (Feb 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Teenytoona* 
I figure, if there's no venom or hatred behind the questions, then it's a learning opportunity. If there is, then it's time to walk away.

I like this very much! I'm mom to two chicano kids; I'm irish/german and DP is Mexican. We've apparently been very fortunate that people have kept a lid on it with the dumb comments. The worst we've gotten is "Are they mixed?" "Yes, they look Mexican." when they find out who their father is.We definitely get the looks though. They look at the kids, at me, at DP and back. Weird and rude. I just smile and move on.


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## cancat (Jun 15, 2004)

My mom is filipino, and my dd has blonde curly-curly hair and blue eyes...my mom just makes a joke out of it "this is my granddaughter...doesn't she look JUST like me!"...secretly she is afraid of being mistaken for the nanny, so she refuses to wear sneakers







:


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## Momma_Camille (Jan 11, 2007)

My DD is adopted also - biracial. We get tons of comments about her. Mostly I think because she's so engaging & kind of draws people in & gets them to talk to her









Anyway - when she was a baby (she's 22.5 months now) people were constantly saying "where'd you get her" And when I'd say Pennsylvania they would look all disappointed! I was apparently supposed to say something exotic. (we were in Idaho - now Wyoming). People are so silly.

Mostly I just want to say things like "Aisle 7". hehe

It was interesting moving back here. We lived here in the early years of our marriage when we had no children. So when people see me without DH they assume I got divorced & had a child with an AA man.

I actually had one man ask me if I had an affair. THAT was rude!


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
we would get asked *every single time we left the house* some variation on "Where'd ya get that red hair???"

"does his father have red hair???"

"What *beautiful* red hair!!!"

"Is your husband a redhead??"

"Does red hair run in your family??"

Its as if these people think they are the *only* person in the whole world to see that my son's hair is red, and they must comment on it. It gets really old really fast, esp for my son who doesnt like being the center of attention w/ a bunch of strangers. And its not like redheads are even that uncommon anymore.

I get this all the time too with my two! Both of them are vibrant redheads while I am kind of strawberry blonde and DH is blonde.

People can be so rude sometimes!







: I think it is wonderful how diverse it can be with people of all colors, and I am more apt to say, "What beautiful children you have!" than anything else.


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## chime (May 9, 2007)

Good topic for all families out there that don't "match" exactly.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.. DS was adopted from Guatemala (almost a year ago!) and I'd like to work on having a few good responses ready before he's old enough to understand what's going on (not much longer, I'm afraid). I hate being caught off guard. I want to be able to answer confidently and in such a way that he feels secure in his family.

***


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chime* 
...I am waiting for the day when someone suggests "huh.. his father must be Mexican" so I can say "actually I don't know who is father is"....

...But really, what matters to me is how my son hears me answer...

I hope it's apparent to you how disconnected these two statements are.

Of course you know who is father is - as does your son. His father is your husband.


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

when people try to politely inquire about our son's racial background through questions about father I do respond accordingly:

Random stranger: Is his father tall?
Me: I don't know. They told me he was...

Random Stranger: Did he get his curls from his daddy?
Me: I don't know. Probably. I never met him.

Of course, I follow-up with: "He doesn't have a father. His anonymous donor was described as 6 foot 6 and African American. Is there anything else you wanted to know?"


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## chime (May 9, 2007)

*


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## wendy1221 (Feb 9, 2004)

My oldest son's bio-dad is filipino (well, half.) I have to say I really lucked out b/c while my son is darker than me and my dh (his stepdad), he inherited my blue eyes and freckles, as well as most of my facial features, so it's pretty obvious he's my son. Sometimes when the whole family is together people stare at him and even ask questions sometimes b/c he's pretty obviously not my dh's. I do think it's a little rude, but whatever, I just tell them what I feel like, which is either that dh is not his bio dad or that my own dad has dark skin, which he does--although only in the summer, and not quite as dark as ds's, and that D looks JUST like my dad, which he does.


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

Me: white Dh: Vietnamese Dd: smack in between. Vietnamese think she looks western, and whites think she looks Asian







.

I get people asking me about her, both in the US and in Vietnam. I do ascribe it to general human curiosity about something that looks different from what is expected ("expected" being that a child will look like his/her parents). As a white person who speaks Vietnamese fluently, I have experienced a lot of highly annoying curiosity here in Vietnam about how I learned, again simply because it is out of the ordinary. I used to be more annoyed about it until one day I met another white person who spoke Vietnamese as well as I did, and what did I do? -- I started asking her all the same questions that I hate people asking me! I was so curious about how she had learned!







So I look at the curiosity about dd's looks as annoying, but part of human nature that is not going to go away any time soon so I might as well deal with it in a way that doesn't make me feel bad (I usually just answer the question politely and move on).

That said, I understand that there is a HUGE difference between my experiences as a white woman and the experiences of a person of color. I have never felt threatened or degraded because of my skin color. When I get the annoying questioning, it never occurs to me that they do not approve of my family because in general both Western and Vietnamese views of the Amerasian mix are either neutral or positive, never negative. So I sympathize 100% with the moms that are people of color who feel threatened by the questioning.

On the level of general principle, I do think it is better to respond kindly if possible. Treat it as a teaching moment (unless the person is rude, of course). But I also understand that this may not always be possible, especially when racism is very much alive and well.

I have a friend who is black but looks white (I never really understood how arbitrary race is until I met her). She has an adult son with a black father who looks very black, and a small daughter with a white father who looks like Shirley Temple. One day the son took his little sister to the mall to play. And got shadowed and questioned by the mall security because he was a "black" man with a "white" little girl







.

I can't even imagine such a horrible experience. All I can do is send a big







to all parents of color who have to put up with this bullsh*t. I do think it will get better over time as mixed-race families become more common. That's the only hope.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I am so sorry for all the insensitive comment people have had made to them. That's so awful. I am Caucasian and DH is African American and we have two biological children and my step son also lives with us. They all look just like him but have a darker version of my coloring (my stepson too - except he is slightly darker than the little ones - and he's with me all the time, so everyone assumes he is my bio child most of the time) . I am very fair and have a lot of red/auburn in my brown hair, and the kids have curly, brownish red hair and light brown skin that gets deep tan in the summer. I am sort of surprised that no one ever makes comments to me. So much so, I asked DH one time, "If you didn't know me and saw me on the street with the kids, would you know right away they are biracial?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Ummmmmm.... yeah. Of course." I told him I wondered because I've never had anyone say anything weird to me about it. His response: "Good. One more reason we'll never leave California." I feel very lucky and again, I'm so sorry that so many of you have had these experiences. Yuck.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chime* 
Hmmm.. well there ya go... I think that's why I don't post very often and would rather lurk. Not good at being clear when I'm "talking" on the internet...

Are you kidding? That was completely clear.

Nice talking with you







.


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## puddingpop (Feb 1, 2004)

DH and I are caucasian; DS is Korean. Often, it's just DS and me out during the day, and people try to puzzle out our relationship. Usually, I get asked if DH is Filipino/Chinese/Vietnamese/Japanese. Or, more rudely "what's he mixed with?" I just answer that DS is Korean, smile, and move on.


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

Quote:

And I've had every other kind of random person under the sun ask in varying stages of rudeness the worst was a very terse "he mixed?"
Is the term "mixed" offensive or is it just politically incorrect or both?

My children are biracial. When I think of mixed, I think of dog breeds and drinks.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I got the "is he adopted" question yet again the other day. This time I responded with "I made him myself! Isn't he beautiful?"









I have also been asked "what is his Dad?" ... ummm, human?

It bothers me that people feel like the genetic/racial make up of my family is their business.

I am never offended by comments like "His skin is the most beautiful colour" or "look at those gorgeous eyes". Even though they are pointing out his more obvious asian features at least it is done in a complimentary, non-intrusive manner. I can choose to elaborate on the origin of his skin colour or eye shape or I can just accept the compliment and move on.

I AM offended by questions like "What is he?", "Where did you get him?", "Where is he from?". They are rude, intrusive and just flat out nobody's business. I would NEVER ask a person if their children were adopted or inquire about someone's racial makeup or immigration status.


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## chime (May 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
Is the term "mixed" offensive or is it just politically incorrect or both?

My children are biracial. When I think of mixed, I think of dog breeds and drinks.









Hehe..

I haven't really thought much about the term "mixed" being offensive or not (anyone care to set me straight? I'd hate to use it and offend someone), although I do tend to use the word "biracial" instead... It was more the abrupt, rude way the person asked that set off my alarms.

This incident happened when DS was still a pretty small baby, we were at a park looking at the fountains and this woman was sitting on a bench nearby. She couldn't even bother to form more than a two-word sentence, or start with a nice lead in, but just blurted out "he mixed?" in such a rude, demanding way. I was... less than inclined to share personal information with her.







Probably not fair or me, but I was so caught off guard by the way she asked I wasn't able to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I'm still pretty willing to share our story with people who ask nicely







and seem genuinely interested (since I'm still honestly just so giddy to have my sweet son in my life) and probably 80% of the time the other person will say something along the lines of "oh, my sister adopted a little boy" or bring up some other personal connection, so that's neat.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I have 5 kids who are technically interracial, but just one looks "ethnic." I don't understand this because their dad is much darker skinned than I am. I get asked a lot "where I got" my darker hued daughter. But worse, when DH is out with our light skinned kids (and 2 are even lighter than I am), no one believes he is their dad. "_He's_ your dad?!" etc..

I have also found that the kids and I are treated differently when we are out without DH, vs. when he is with us. I do live in an area where there are spots of racism, but it's still depressing.


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## Jade2561 (Jun 12, 2005)

I am white - my heritage is Irish, Italian and Native American. My husband is Puerto Rican and while my kids both look like me they look very different from each other. My oldest daughter is dark skinned with dark straight hair and dark eyes. The baby looks like my brother (weird) - a little Irish baby. Fair skinned, with big brown eyes and blond curly hair. People think my kids have different fathers and family members always joke that I was sleeping with the mailman (we had a mail lady when I conceived -so THERE)!

I never think of them as "mixed" or "bi-racial." It doesn't really bother me though, I have never had any comments from people. When my parents take out the kids people always ask what my oldest daughter "is"...um... obviously a child!


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

__
https://flic.kr/p/341634535


__
https://flic.kr/p/340238736

Those are my two. I'm very forgetful and very grateful when random people point out they don't look like brother and sister. They are both from the same place- love.


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## ncas72 (Sep 7, 2006)

I am AA and DH is Irish American. We haven't received any comments about DS skin color but we have received comments about his eyes. Everyone always seems shocked about his eye color.

One time, DH and I were out shopping and someone stopped us to look at DS. They asked if his eyes were really green. DH quickly responded, "No, they are contacts."

No one has questioned DH when he is with DS whether or not he is his but I have had people ask me if DS was mine. I don't really mind the question. I assume they are curious and just answer yes.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ncas72* 
I don't really mind the question. I assume they are curious and just answer yes.


Well let me tell you, after 13 years, you might get tired of it









BTW, I have never thought of my child as _mine_. They are my gift to the world.


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## Paddington (Aug 25, 2003)

My kiddos are tri-racial







My dh just thought of that phrase... Dh is half white/half korean... I am African American.... ds1 is a light brown, ds2 is... well, white with light brown hair with a bit of a red highlight.







Everyone says they look totally different but that they look like brothers







So far no one has called them not my kids though.... I think because ds1 has my color and ds2 has my features?


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

Dd and I have conversations about genetics and she understands that mixed breeds (like dogs) are generally healthier and stronger than purebreds because of the genetic diversity. So she proudly calls herself a mutt







.


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## Paddington (Aug 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 

__
https://flic.kr/p/341634535


__
https://flic.kr/p/340238736

Those are my two. I'm very forgetful and very grateful when random people point out they don't look like brother and sister. They are both from the same place- love.

They are beautiful!









Here are mine....

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z...5/100_3024.jpg

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z...5/100_3905.jpg


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paddington* 
They are beautiful!









Here are mine....

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z...5/100_3024.jpg

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z...5/100_3905.jpg


Way too cute







:


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

It happened to me today!

My dd (4 years old) and I have just started having special days together while DH stays home w/ds (9 months). It's our chance to reconnect. She really looks forward to these times. Anyway, this morning we went to Friendly's for hot chocolate and conversation and an older woman in the next booth kept staring. (BTW, I'm AA and my DH is white and my children are biracial.) I smiled the first few times she stared. I figured she just thought my dd was cute, 'cause she is.









After a while, the woman asks, "Is she your kid?"

I said yes. Then she said, "She must look like her dad then." I said, "She looks like both me and her dad."

"Well, I don't see any of YOU in HER."

"Well, we think she looks like both of us. Enjoy your meal."

Luckily, I don't think dd heard any of this b/c she was too busy inhaling the whipped cream on her hot chocolate.


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## Natalie12 (Nov 11, 2005)

I'm white and my son is adopted from Ethiopia. What's wrong with people thinking that your kids are adopted? It doesn't make them any less "yours". I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just wondering what the thought process is on that one.


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## Natalie12 (Nov 11, 2005)

I forgot to add that we get rude and curious stares all the time, so I can emphasize with that


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natalie12* 
I'm white and my son is adopted from Ethiopia. What's wrong with people thinking that your kids are adopted? It doesn't make them any less "yours". I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just wondering what the thought process is on that one.

Because many people act like, if you didn't give birth to them, what right do you have to mother them? And what I'm getting from the other people in this thread is that people are acting similar, even though the child is biologically theirs with comments or just acting like, "Are you *SURE* she's yours?" because the child looks nothing like them. There's nothing wrong with you child being adopted, but very often, when people start asking alot of questions about why you have this child, it coms off as questioning your right to be a parent, questions your parenting.


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