# anyone else get a 'message' from your baby?



## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I was wondering if anyone else experienced a sense of communication or intuition either during your pregnancy or after your loss.
Even though I really wanted and was excited about this pregnancy, I never felt pregnant the way I did with my son. I felt immediately 'inhabited' by him.... from the day after we conceived, I felt like I had a star shining in my belly. I was SURE I was pregnant. This time, though I knew I probably was, I didn't really believe it, even though I was nauseated, tired...

I also had a strange horrible gut feeling whenever I looked at a pregnancy book and saw information about miscarriage... not a rational worry, but a gut-level, 'oh God, no.'
I worried a lot that this baby would not be whole.... this is harder to explain, but there have been a lot of bone problems in my family, from painful but not life-threatening deformities (which I have) to bone cancers and leukemia. Medically, there's no reason to think there's a hereditary problem, but it's a weird coincidence if it is one. All of us with 'bad bones' have had similar emotional problems, struggling with perfectionism, inner turmoil, and self-criticism. Some of us (including me) have made peace with ourselves, but some really struggled to the end of their lives. I was very worried, in a way that I wasn't in my first pregnancy, that this baby would be 'one of us' and would suffer a lot, physically and emotionally.

The weirdest thing happened on the way home from the ER last week after the miscarriage. I had been thinking that this baby needed a name of its own, since we had been calling it Alan-or-Eleanore and we still hope to use one of those names for our next child. Without thinking about it, the name 'Yeshuel' popped into my head. I had never heard the name.

Several days later I looked it up online. The only reference I came up with was some sort of new age 'resonance of your name' site, which said this:
Although the name Yeshuel creates the urge to be both logical and technical, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation.
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the elimination system, and solar plexus.
Your first name of Yeshuel has made you desire system and order and to progress step by step, yet you are taken into new experiences, turmoil, and change and rarely can you fully complete an undertaking to your satisfaction.
You are extremely analytical and sometimes critical of both others and of yourself, and must guard against sarcastic speech and temper.

... basically everything I had worried about for my child. It said it was a female name, and my mom, my son, and I had all found ourselves referring to the baby as a girl (even though it was far too early to know). Also, when I miscarried, the sac came out so long before the placenta, with almost no cord attached--it was all attached to the placenta. Though I know I'll never know what happen, I had already started to think there was some problem with the cord (ie the elimination system, attached more or less to the solar plexus).

None of this makes me any less miserable, but in some way I feel like she was trying to tell me that she just couldn't stay. Before I miscarried, I spent a long time trying and talking to her, telling her I wished she could stay, but that if she had to go, it was okay to go, that I still loved her.
Anybody else have any 'weird experiences?' I don't know how any of this life and death stuff works, but I do believe that the people we love stay connected to us somehow even when we can't see them anymore.


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## OrganicSister (Apr 16, 2008)

I've had a weird experience that happened years ago, before this miscarriage. I felt very strongly that there was a spirit baby, a little girl, waiting for us to conceive thru our infertility. We felt her name, and kept running into it everywhere or having ppl suggest that name to us (it wasn't/isn't a very common name). My mom and I both had dreams about her and I saw what she looked like. I really felt at peace knowing she was waiting for us and sending us so many signs and signals.

Then one day they all stopped and several months later a friend had a little baby girl with that same name. When I saw her she looked just like the baby I dreamt of. For awhile I had a hard time seeing this friend. As irrational as it sounds, I felt like she stole my little girl.









That feeling of loss has always stayed with me and when we finally got pregnant thru fertility treatments I had a horribly "empty" feeling - spiritually speaking. I hadn't felt a connection to a little spirit since all that happened and couldn't connect to a spirit this time (I had a strong connection with my son, knew he was a boy and knew his name before I got pregnant). So I feared this pregnancy wouldn't last...and it didn't.

I don't know if it was intuiton or coincidence. And I don't know what we'll do now or if we'll go forward. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in the "weird experiences" category, FWIW.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Our son was born on Monday, October 6th. Tuesday I dreamed of him. He came to me as a beautiful child. He looked like our living son but was blond like our daughter. He smiled at me and said "My name is Gavriel." That was it. Every time I woke (I tossed and turned), I said the name "Gavriel." When I woke up in the morning I found out that Gavriel is the Hebrew version of Gabriel. I had never heard of it before.

It's funny, but when I think of him, I some times shorten his name to "Gave" which seems apt. He gave what he could and I love him for it. In my heart I believe he visited me and told me his name.


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

I miscarried at 23 weeks in January 2007, the 4th to be exact. I felt similar to how the OP felt w/ that baby. I felt like he wasn't there. And I was so sad towards the end. But after he was born, I let my DS Sammy give him a name. He named him Zachary Jackson. We gave him a burial w/ my grandparents and GGP's and the funeral director gave us a little plaque. But I never felt that his name was right. The name Bracha kept coming to mind. Bracha means Blessing in hebrew.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Our daughter (one of twins) died at 24 weeks in utero last July. I also had a dream about her the day after she died. In my dream, she looked just like our older daughter, but I am sure it was meant to be Amalie. She was lying in my arms and smiling and reciting a list of all of the people who love her, and then she started to die in my arms, and I called dh as she was slipping away. But even as she was dying she was laughing and telling me about all the people who love her.

I awoke the next morning and knew that at least she knew we had loved her very very much, and that she was ok and at peace.

I still feel her around me frequently, and feel that she has kept a connection to our family. And of course am hoping that she chooses to come back to us.


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I haven't. But I'd sure love to have a message from our babies, just to know. I feel kind of lost lately. This may sound bad, but I am starting to doubt my connection to my losses. I wish I had some sort of way to know, where they 'real' souls, did they know me, did they know that I loved and wanted them...that kind of thing. I am also really doubting my faith and what exactly I believe. I suppose this is just my journey but I really hope I can get some clarity.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

Even though I was excited, and made plans, somehow I just *knew* that my Kennedy wasn't going to be born. I'd sit up at night and cry and beg her to be okay, even at just 7 weeks when I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. My husband said one day "Let's hold off on telling people for a while. I have a funny feeling." It turned out that my pregnancy was ectopic.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

To be honest, I think intuitivly I knew my daughter would not live. Back in March, I remember just crying because I thought she would die. Unlike me, I did things differently this time too. I had NOTHING for her. I did a belly cast, which I had never done before. I had no picture of her in our future. My mom actually once had to remind me that I was having a baby and would have her to take care. That morning when my husband brought her to me, I was calm (or in shock). I knew that she was gone. There wasn't any hysterical, screaming, sobbing, anything. However, I did kind of freak when I had to tell her goodbye after her funeral.

What's really neat is the day she was born/died our roses all began blooming. I had been waiting and waiting and it was like a breath of life was breathed into them. In all my yellow flowers outside along my walkway, one single pink flower grew. On her three month mark, I had a tiny white feather fall to the earth with no bird in sight!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

lisa_nc , I'm sorry for your loss, I haven't seen you post before and wanted to express my sorrow.

Sanguine - I had a full term loss and maintained a very deep connection with Norah for the first 4 months, after I became pregnant again that connection faded but I know she is still near.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

When I went back to my midwife's practice Friday for my follow-up, there was a beautiful picture on the wall calendar in the exam room. It must have been there when I went for my first and only visit, when they couldn't say for sure if there was a heartbeat, but I hadn't seen it. It was a Charles Rennie Mackintosh picture called Harvest Moon, with an angel circled by her wings in front of a huge orange harvest moon. It looked like my uterus, and the amniotic sac, and my baby. It made me cry.

http://irea.wordpress.com/2008/03/30...-harvest-moon/

On the up side, I'm a newly trained doula, and I attended my first birth this morning. It was beautiful, and gave me a lot of hope.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

When I was 8 weeks pregnant I had a dream. It was so clear. My baby told me she was a girl and her name was Ava. She said she had to go. That morning I woke up told my dh we were having a girl and asked what he thought of the name Ava. I never thought twice about the 'have to go' part. At 16 weeks I had a big 16 week size uterus and never any spotting. My OB could not find a heartbeat with the doppler. An u/s showed an 8 week size fetus passed in a huge uterus. It was a few days later that I remembered the dream. She was saying goodbye.


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## Ms. Cellaneous (Aug 2, 2008)

Wow, there are some amazing and beautiful stories here, mamas.

I don't have anything that profound, for me it was more of an absence... Even though I was hugely excited to be pregnant, I didn't really feel pregnant. I has some symptoms but I just couldn't wrap my brain around the idea that I was really pregnant. I kept waiting for it to sink in, and instead of course I miscarried. I had thought it was just because it was my first that I didn't "feel" pregnant, but now I wonder if my body/mind was trying to tell me something. I wonder if I will feel different next time.

And this was maybe a message from my babe, maybe a message from the universe, but I woke up the morning of my D&C with a very clear thought in my mind. I had been holding off on the D&C, waiting to check and double-check that the baby had really stopped developing, and it wasn't just that my dates were wrong or whatever. The day I had finally scheduled the D&C I woke up thinking, "This baby is gone, and I will have a baby one day." Just absolutely certain, as sure as I've been of anything in my life. Throughout the months of TTC I've tried to hold on to that certainty.


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## abigail_b (May 3, 2007)

I felt anxious from the beginning this time, and was at times filled with an overwhelming sense that something was going to go wrong. I never felt that way with my son. Then a few days before the lack of HB was confirmed I started to have a really strong intuition that my baby was gone.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

Wow... I guess it wasn't just me. I don't need to know how or why this stuff happens, but I find it very comforting. Thanks for all your stories


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## missmykael (Jan 7, 2006)

Other then having hereditary issues, you told my story. I "knew" I was pregnant with my son, but never felt pregnant, even when I started to show, with this little one. I've since lost her, and feel the need for a name, but one hasn't come yet. I chose not to D and C, much to the dr's dismay, but am still waiting for everything to be complete. I feel that I cannot begin to move on until we have comepletely separated.


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## mirtodd (Dec 2, 2001)

Summer 07 I had a dream in which a little blond boy told me his name was Wulff and that he was coming to us. A week later I discovered I was pregnant.

I was very happy to be having another child, but this pregnancy never felt 'real'. I have always felt that I was supposed to have another girl, and I went through that pregnancy with a surreal feeling. I only bought some clothes and a car seat/stroller combo the week before he was born. It was like, on some level, I didn't want to raise my expectations.

My placental abruption and Wulff's loss hit me like a ton of bricks, but I'm glad that I had not put together a baby room for him or purchased a lot of clothes and baby stuff. It was hard enough wothout having that visual reminder.

What is sad though, is that he was a fair version of DS1 (who was born with black hair and eyes) -- their faces were identical...


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh my, Mirtodd - we have a placental abruption in common. I almost died, which is still unreal to me - did you lose a lot of blood as well? I have a feeling you probably did because well, a complete placental abruption comes with blood loss. I had to have two transfusions. Gosh, it never did occur to me how sick I was until someone told me the crash cart had been outside my room for a day and a half after Josie's birth. Still so bizarre to me. I never wanted to die - I have too many good reasons to live.

Anyway, this pregnancy was awesome - I loved being pregnant and really felt so close to Josie the entire time. I'd play music to her and talk to her; vent about my day to her; tell her I loved her. Harry did the same thing. We did buy all the baby stuff she needed and we've kept it all, too - we will be having more babies and for me, keeping the baby stuff (albeit packed away) is part of the acceptance process. One day, Josie will help her little brother or sister and give her stuff to them in the same way she would have, had she lived. It's okay - I told myself - she would be happy to do that. Right now it's all in Aurora's closet and Aurora is looking after it until we have another baby in the future.

But, throughout the pregnancy I had one fear and one fear only - placental abruption leading to the death of my baby. That was the only fear I had. My mother had a placental abruption with Finn in the eighties and we nearly lost her. The feeling of dread over a placental abruption was enormous - I had to talk myself into the fact that I was going to have a living baby because I so feared what ended up happening. And then it actually happened. It took me about ten days or so to own up to the fact that my only fear had been abruption and I did so to Harry, crying in the car.

So there we go. It felt like my intuition was telling me this was going to happen the entire time but that I could not avoid it. Then it happened. Logically, it's really the fact that my mother had this happen that piqued my fear, and horribly coincidental that it happened. Nevertheless...

Having said all of this, now, I and other people who had a placental abruption (like my mother for example) are in an odd position - we know what a placenta abruption feels like. I had no labor to compare to - just a very high pain tolerance level. I know what this feels like now - I know the warning signs quite apart from any vaginal bleeding. Next time, like my mother, I will know. I have to tell myself this because anything else would bring about more fear. If I want another child I have to be able (for myself at least) to believe that I can carry a baby and that a placental abruption will not happen again, and that if it does, I will know and will be able to stop what I am doing and get to a hospital in time. Telling myself anything else would be quite foolish I think.

Actually my mother did start having another placental abruption (both of hers were caused by extreme stress) with my youngest brother; knew what was happening and got to the hospital where they gave her pitocin, and she pushed him out vaginally and naturally without any further ado, without any more problems. I have to believe I can do that same thing...


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## mirtodd (Dec 2, 2001)

I had an uneventful pregnancy. I was just shy of 32 weeks (just 5-6 weeks shy of when he should of been born -- I carry to 37/38 weks) and we had absolutely no issues, no hint that anything was wrong.

We went for lunch together on Jan 8th, and after that I returned to work for the afternoon. An hour or so later I went to use the restroom, and when I pulled down my panties a giant blood clot fell onto the floor. I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital and within 20 minutes I was on the operating table having an emerg. cesarean. Wulff showed sluggish vitals before the surgery, but never made it through the c/s. He was already nearly 5 lbs, so he would have been my heaviest baby had he lived. My DS1 was 5.5 lbs when he was born at 37 weeks.... I had no pain or symptoms of an abruption, nor do I fit any of the risk catagories. The pathology report showed nothing. I did require a blood transfusion, 2-3 bags I think and I developed MRSA from my IV, so a day after I was released, I was back in with a raging infection in my arm.

I still can't talk or think about it without breaking down... Even now we are trying to conceive, and we have not been successful, every month when my period starts, it stirs up all of the emotions and disappointment all over again.

What symptoms did you have that forwarned you that there was a problem?

Because of this I know that I'm at increased risk of another abruption and thanks to my vertical incision, I will need another c/s...


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, my pregnancy was totally uneventful and totally fine. I was measuring on, had no abnormal bleeding, was healthy, weighed what I was meant to, ate healthily, didn't smoke, use drugs or anything catastrophic like that. She was a very active baby and moved a lot even at 37 weeks just before she was "born" (my midwife said to me "you still gave birth you know!" but without being negative, I did NOT feel this way, being so unprepared for c-section and all of that - I feel she was extracted from me, not that I did anything amounting to giving birth, probably because of the sudden and traumatic nature of the c section - which in my case actually was a transverse incision, so for that I am grateful.).

In short there was no warning with me either. I went into what I assumed was labor on the Thursday night very late and got in the birth pool at home. I labored through what felt like one very long peak contraction for gosh...close to 4.5 hours before we realized anything was wrong. Thing is, some women labor like that - it's like one long contraction. So, that wasn't necessarily an indicator. There was a little blood every now and again, which we assumed was the cervix dilating. Josie's heartbeat was good and strong the whole time until...we lost her. Bam - there it was. We rushed to the hospital because our midwife thought she could still hear a heartbeat (I could not) but by the time we got there it was definitely gone. At that point I had the emergency c section. It was rough to say the least. Her birth story is here if you'd like to read it. We also made a website. I had to post it because to NOT do that I knew would probably leave me with post traumatic stress, so my way of definitively avoiding that was to talk as much as possible about it even if it made my head feel like it was about to explode. Post traumatic stress is nothing to be messed with - it can really screw up a lot of stuff unless you avoid it or get it taken care of.

I didn't get MRSA thank God - I'm healing well, physically. I did have a LOT of bruising though - I looked like I'd been beaten up when I got out of there: from the IV's, the blood draws, the section itself (Gosh - I tell you - a horse kicking me in the belly would probably have looked better!) because it was so quick - 8 minutes until they had her out. The medical team did a wonderful job though thank God - my incision is very neat and I have healed well. I got 4 bags of blood - two the first day, two the second.

I had no idea I was critically ill until after the fact. I'd been so woozy the whole time, but they had everyone coming to my bedside in case I decided to leave the world, which is why the whole family arrived so quickly. They kept Josie with me the whole day and night as well. I was deemed off the critical list after a day and a half. I'd had no idea I was even on there but they had everything hooked up to me - all the ICU equipment and everything.

Now, if I ever had that kind of a constant uterine pain again, I'd go straight in. My mother told me that was what it was like with her has well, but that she'd never have recognize it in advance - only afterwards, which is why the next time she felt anything like it she was off to hospital immediately. Such an immediate abruption though is soooo rare, you know?

Any sign of blood, I'd go straight in as well. I just had no idea - they were such subtle things and I have such a high pain tolerance. Things WILL be different next time around - they will be.

Now as for your risks - please, please please inform yourself even if it hurts to think about it. Now, our risk of another abruption is still incredibly small! It increases only by a few tenths of a percentage - there is nothing to say we will ever, ever have one again. So the increased risk is a very small increase. I would suggest reading as much as possible, though it will hurt your brain again - we have to inform ourselves. If something is hurting it's a sign it's not been tackled - please, sweetie, don't do that to yourself because you will end up with a bunch of ghosts in the closet and it'll be bad for you.

Also, here is a link to a great VBAC website. It's full of excellent VBAC information. Personally I want to try for a labor because I really want that not only for Josie (I want to finish what I started) but for the new baby, and for me. Now while the risk of uterine rupture is higher in a vertical incision case than a horizontal, it's still not very big. You could very likely go for a trial of labor if you want to next time around, and there are many women who have done this. Maybe I'd start a topic and see if there are people on MDC (after c section forum I reckon) who have been in the same boat medically as you. It's certainly not hopeless at all - that I know! But if you want another c section I could totally understand that as well.

Most of all though, I would really really recommend you write down as much as you can remember about the birth and post it here or at least tell someone as a start. Seems a huge thing but gosh, I really think you could benefit so much from other moms who have been through similar situations' advice. It will hurt, I know, and you will probably cry but you gotta expel those feelings - get them out of your heart and into the open because they are like a festering infection at the moment, and they are hurting you. I hope that's not too much - I know it's unsolicited advice, but I hate to hear someone hurting so badly and keeping all of that inside.

Here is an enormous hug for you. We will do this. Maybe we'll even have babies in the future at the same time and be able to talk to one another - who knows! We've just got to keep focusing on that though - the future and dealing with issues we are facing inside ourselves as they arise. That's what I think anyway.







XXX


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## mirtodd (Dec 2, 2001)

My Dh & I are both chiropractors - so believe me when I say that we try to do everything as naturally as possible. My first two were born with midwives.

My OB has stated that I will be a high risk PG with my next, so she will co-treat me with a specialist. I have very, very fast labors - my first was 2 hrs from first contraction to when DS was born. With #2, it was less than 90 minutes total. So given that and now my vertical incision and hx of complete abruption, they will go in at 36/37 weeks and deliver. This is absolutely fine with me, I'd rather have the baby out and safe than risk anything given what I've been through.

I never had a problem getting pregnant before, usually within the first month or two of trying, so it is especially frustrating now. I got the go-ahead to try again in July, but nothing so far. In fact, my temps, mucous signs, and fertility monitoring strips are all out of sinc with each other - so I am trying to bring them all together right now. I am really hoping that I get pregnant soon, for my own mental health and for insurance reasons. I have a high deductable plan, and I want everything to occur within a calendar year so I don't have to pay twice. This year is already paid, so I was hoping to have already gotten things started by now... I really don't think I could handle it if things dragged on into 2010.

Yes, recovery after the c/s was incredibly painful. The doc who did mine, made my incision crooked (so one side of my stomach bulges), and did a sloppy job of sewing/stapling me up. I had to get my new OB to fix some of it, and she will cut out this scar when I have my next. My scar is a big keloid, about the width of a finger, and it still bothers me periodically. I didn't notice if I had a huge amount of bruising, but I didn't notice much in the weeks after. I know it took a while before I could stand straight or wear regular pants. Even now the scar tends to be sensitive and I have to make sure that I wear underwear that cover it completely. If the underwear elastic rubs over it in the slightest, it drives me crazy.

I posted a bit of my story here in January, but we've never made a website or anything. We keep his ashes in our safe.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I don't blame you for having a repeat c section then - I think I will very likely get induced (I wouldn't be surprised...at some point I might just want the next baby out so that I can take care of him or her). My OB and I discussed the possibilities at my first follow up appointment and she reckoned an induction would be a good way to go to make sure I got a trial of labor in the first place (the time of day has a lot to do with that in that hospital).

My incision is healing ever so well, but just above it have this funny inch wide strip that feels like it's been scalded - I guess that is nerve repair at work! I am so thankful for the healing at least, you know - though I did have extensive bruising and it's only just gone away. I've been trying to communicate effectively with my uterus so that it will heal, and so far it has been healing nicely - my midwife came yesterday and I'm actually almost on par with women who have delivered vaginally as far as uterine shrinkage is concerned - even those who breastfeed, so I guess I'm a big believer in talking to your body now as well! I don't know what I would have done if I'd not healed so well. At one point I was so afraid in hospital because I thought I might lose my uterus - that was the only time I was really worried about myself in the haze of morphine - you see, I'd gotten up to walk that evening and immediately hemorrhaged all over the floor. Gosh I am so grateful that they didn't have to do more surgery.

I think keeping his ashes is a nice thing. It's nice to have ashes to keep because it's something tangible. I kept Josie's little blanket that covered her casket and sometimes I hold it but haven't felt the need to really cry into it as yet.

It's really good that this scar is getting fixed next time around for you. I am so sorry they did a bad job of fixing it up the first time around - you'd think they'd do a little better especially considering the circumstances... Only one stitch has ever bothered me - the last stitch on the left poked out a bit but I think it's totally dissolved now thank God! My whole abdomen was bruised, especially my left side which was a hundred shades of purple and the bottom of my stomach and pubic area which was almost black and terribly swollen. Hopefully when you do have another, the OB will be able to remove the entire scar and you won't get another keloid like that.

We will let nature take it's course again in a few months and see how soon we conceive. I have no idea how long because Josie was my very first pregnancy and I was surprised I got pregnant with her... So, it might be immediate - or it might take a year. I have no clue at all. We will just have to wait and see there...


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## mirtodd (Dec 2, 2001)

For your loss having just occurred, you are holding up remarkably well.

I can't think of mine without losing it. In fact, I've been crying all day today -- some days are fine, others like today - are really rough.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, thing is, I had depression as a teen and I know for that reason I need to be careful - very careful, or I think I'd be risking another depression - something I cannot have if we're going to have another baby - I am scared if I am not able to cope with life at that point, that I will fall apart and none of us will be able to have any kind of life.

We've got a seven year old and a five year old as well - they are my Harry's from a previous relationship and were basically rejected completely by their mom (something I cannot understand at all), so I am their mom. I feel sometimes that I need to be able to carry on to all intents and purposes for them - life needs to continue because if it doesn't they will be so badly affected. Harry and I kind of pull each other through the day. Some days feel like I'm walking through quicksand - others are easier. All are a mental challenge - it kind of feels at times like I'm pulling myself up a mountain. But, the gradient of the mountain is getting shallower.

I've had to relearn simple tasks like doing the laundry. I've had so much support though - my mother has been here for two weeks, so that has helped a lot. She's done a lot of the stuff I couldn't do while recovering from the section. We've had a lot of people coming around and even on days I haven't wanted to see anyone, I've been grateful because they kind of pull you out of the mire when all you want to do is sit and bawl.

Mind you, I have sat and bawled as well - mostly in the car. Harry is the one who comes out and pulls me out then - I tell him what's on my mind and we talk, and after a good talk and a good cry, I feel able to continue. It's a battle at times, but I so desperately want to carry on that I carry on sometimes one minute or one hour at a time.

Grief though is so individual - everyone deals differently, so there's no "normal" really. All I know is that for me, exposing myself to everything I was scared of slowly has helped me be less afraid. So, we have Josie's pictures on the wall and we go visit her grave at least once a week. I talk about her to as many people as possible, and am gradually going out again in town. The birth story I've written and rewritten several times, to get it out of my system. My midwife took notes and we are slowly going through them. I am also going to ask about my medical records so that I can see them too. All painful stuff, but I feel I have to get used to talking about it and working through all of it because I want that pain and fear out of my system - I really do. But, I don't want to just not think about it because I have a feeling it'll just pop out at me again if I do that, and that's something I won't risk - not matter what, you know what I mean?

I am sending you hugs - hugs are good - for me, they help. I have several good hug-givers I turn to. My midwife (awesome, embracing hugs), Harry, my mom, the kiddies, a few friends. So here I send you a hug...


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