# 5 Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job"



## Shohanee (Dec 16, 2001)

Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

By Alfie Kohn

NOTE: This article was published in Young Children, September 2001;
and, in abridged form (with the title "Hooked on Praise"), in Parents
Magazine, May 2000.
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Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child's birthday party, and there's one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: "Good job!" Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation ("time out"). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you'll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.
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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I amm not sure I agree with the article. Yeah, it can definitely be over used, but heck, i get pretty pi$$ed if i don't hear some compliments on a clean house. (tonight for example) and I hate when I have to go fishing for them "how about this clean living room?" "did you notice I even scrubbed the walls.?" maybe it was because I was never ever praised as a child. ("A's are good, next time I want to see A+s"). But also sometimes my dd needs to know what constitutes a good job. Getting your shoes on in a timely manner is good. getting them on the right feet even better. Getting them on after 20 minutes of me asking - not so good. She does beem with pride when I tell she has done a good job. and yeah that is a judgement but the world is full of judgments. let them be good.

I guess if it over used and there is no weight to it, like everytime they do anything "oh good job coming this 20th time that I asked. Glad it wasn't 21 times I had to ask" it is just dumb and meaningless, but when dd finally acomplishes something she has been working on or is showing improvement somewhere I think iot would suck if noone seemed to notice. I know it would suck for me.


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

I didn't read the article.

When I hear parents saying this to their children, I can't help but feel it is condescending in some way.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I think one can acknowledge someone's achievement without saying "Good job!" or something similar. Kohn - and many people - advocate specific descriptions rather than blanket praise. It's more personal and more meaningful to both parties. I'd rather hear: "Wow, I just said 'time to get ready to go' a minute ago and you're already here at the door with your shoes on!" said in a happy tone of voice than "Good job". "Good job" can feel condescending, too, although I don't think it always does.

OTOH, when Rain has worked and worked on a scene in a show and she comes off-stage after doing a marvelous job, and hitting all the things she'd been working on, and I know *she* knows she's done well *and* she knows why, then yeah, I may say something like, "Good job!". She does the same to me, too...

Dar


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Alright, I must admit when I first saw this post and started reading the article I thought "oh for crying out loud here we go again overanalyzing something that is so benign - why do we have to make things so [email protected]$# complicated?!







: "

But - the article does raise some good points. And I can see how one end of the pendulum could be to raise praise junkies rather than support and nurture the innate good qualities in the child.

I like the alternatives offered and think they will be helpful, although I'm not sure I'll totally eliminate good job.

Thanks for sharing this!

Lisa


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

I agree with Dar. WHat I meant was when children go down the slide and the parents jump up and down and say, "good job"


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

I remember learning this in some classroom mgt class years ago. So, I went back to class and tried not to praise children. Rather, I'd ask them, "well, how do YOU feel about it," etc. Didn't work or maybe I wasn't patient enough. They'd just look at me confused and ask, "teacher, don't you like it?" So, even though I think about this issue, I always give praise on a project a child has worked hard on; ie. "Wow, what a beautiful picture. I like how you wrote sun next to the picture of your sun. You are such an awesome speller." BUT, I also have very high expectations and they KNOW they have to try their best, etc. I do this w/my kids, too.

lol My son climbed up on his learning tower last night and checked out dinner prep and said "good job on dinner, Mommy!"

So...







Yes, I believe in praise but w/specifics and when it's truly warranted.


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## rosebuds (May 23, 2003)

Thanks for posting this article!

I have been hearing about over praise yet never really understood what it was or what affect it had on our children.

I think that I have always said 'Good Girl!" to my children but didn't really think of it, kind of how the author referred to it as a verbal tic.

I also can say tho that I always back up my good girl comments with more discussion as to why or how it was good and how things were better from her actions.

I like the idea of getting my dd's to explain to me why what they did was good and entering into more of a discussion about their actions. I agree this helps a person gain more understanding of what is 'good' or 'not good'.

Let me practice this for a week and see how I do!

Thanks again for posting.


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## mamabeard (Sep 27, 2002)

sorry, i don't have time to read the article, but i pretty much agree. there's an excellent chapter devoted to this subject in nathanial branden's book the 6 pillars of self esteem . basically his reasoning is that it is, infact, a judgement, and that if a person continually doles out this kind of blanket praise, the child will begin to perform in order to recieve such praise, rather than for the inner satisfaction it brings. he says to praise specifically, and to express gratitude when a child's done something you approve of ("thank you for putting your clothes away in your dresser!", "thanks for doing _________, it really helped me."). to me it's a very similar issue to the 'good boy/good girl' thing.

but, suckily, almost every day someone we have contact with on a daily basis says one of the above things to my son. i don't have the guts to challenge her with this reasoning..


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## Shohanee (Dec 16, 2001)

And I must say that I'm entirely in agreement with his philosophy. I want my dd to develop intrinsic desire vs extrinsic motivation, and I believe this is one thing that being mindful of will inspire.

"Good Job" is as much of a judgment as "Bad Job", plain and simple. I wouldn't dream of saying "bad job" to her, so why should "good job" be any different? It's my judgment of her behavior, which can be internalized as "I'm good" or I'm bad."

The next time an adult does something that pleases you, in a sugar-coated tone, say "Good mailbox checking!" or whatever. See what the response is.









I'll post more about rewards (praise included) but I'm pressed for time.

Oh - and BTW everyone - "Gooood Postiiiiiiiing!" lol


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## Mona (May 22, 2003)

A little Off Topic, does this also mean that we shouldn't tell out babies how beautiful they are all the time?
Seriously, I tell my dd this all the time! I think she thinks her middle name is beautiful. LOL


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

I use the term "good job" with my kids at times. It is simply part of my parenting "bag of phrases." While I never say "good boy" to them (they are always GOOD boys, even when they are misbehaving -- then it is just bad behavior) I don't think the occasional "good job" is harmful as long as it isn't overused. If my youngest climbs up the monkey bars at the park and is very proud of myself I will say "wow, J, you did it! Way to go!" There are a lot of different ways to say "good job" or at least what we mean "good job" to be. It is a lot of semantics. Sort of like trying not to overuse the word "No."

I tend to agree with lilyka on this one. Seems like we are looking for more ways to torture ourselves and make parenting much more difficult than it needs to be. Yes, it may seem silly if my dh said to me "good job cooking dinner." I would probably look at him like he was nuts, but I really appreciate it when he tells me "good dinner" when I have worked to make a really nice dinner for the family. It shows appreciation for my effort, and by golly, it is nice to hear. He likely won't tell me "good job cleaning the living room" but when he comes home and tells me that the living room looks great, it shows me that he appreciates what I do during the day.

I read the article and thought he went way overboard on his reasoning for not saying "good job." He went on and on when he could have made his point in a paragraph or two. Had he spent more time on telling parents ways to word "praise" it would have been a much more effective article, imho.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I think acknowledging someone for their effort is not necessarily a bad thing. If compliments and praise are realistic and appropriate I don't see the problem. If I accomplish something that I have worked hard at my dh will say "good job" and vice versa and we will say it to ds as well. Other types of "praise" are used as well when appropriate and heartfelt. I have never felt dh was being condiscending nor did I suddenly feel only motivated by his praise, I simply felt pleased with myself and I did like the recognition for what I had done (especially as a SAHM, its nice to have someone notice how hard I work







). Dh and I have discussed this point and he feels the same about being praised, so we assume ds would too. I could see that using praise as a way to manipulate a child into a certain behaviour would be harmful (and maybe disrespectful) but acknowledging them for trying hard, or succeeding at a task, or treating someone nicely, or finally attempting something they might have been to scared to try before, etc. and truly meaning it can be a positive thing. Maybe sincerity and motivation are the real issue?

Laurie


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

I just printed out the article for DH and myself to read. I have always been wary of too much praise, but I do feel encouragement is vital to our children's self-esteem. That said, I try to be more detailed in my comments to DS, instead of "good job" tend toward, "You got a cloth and wiped up that spill all by yourself. Good for you!"

DH OTOH, is a habitual user of "good job" and whenever I've tried to bring it up to him, he thinks I'm nutz! He's a great dad, very "hands on" but sometimes not "tuned in" if you know what I mean. I'm hoping this article might give us something to talk about.

Thanks.


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## mamabeard (Sep 27, 2002)

still haven't read the article (maybe i should, huh?) but the difference to me is sort of like this:

i'm going to use the example of a boss and an employee and take it out of the context of parenting just as a reminder that we are not our children, nor do we necessarily know what's best for them, or see things from their point of view.. if i'm working for someone who expects certain behaviours from me, and praises me by telling me i've done a good job when i meet his or her expectations, well, i think that's dangerous for a few reasons. one is that, depending on what kind of person i am, i may devote all my energy to keeping up the behaviour that wins me praise, even if it is something that normally would not fulfill me.. and then on the occasion when the 'good job' isn't forthcoming, i will be left confused and empty, basically feeling like i've done a bad job. however, if i am working in such a way that my boss is pleased, i see that i am being helpful and he or she is appreciative, then the focus is on my real ability to be helpful and appreciated. in this second scenario i'm much more likely to want to be helpful and do the best i can, because i see how my actions are beneficial to others, rather than constantly weighing and measuring how much approval i'm recieving from those around me, which is an anxious feeling and one that can very easily leave one feeling empty.

and i think children always want to please us, so we do have to be careful about honouring their feelings and needs before assessing whether they're doing things according to how we expect them to be done.

edited cuz i was tired and distracted when i typed this and left a few things out..


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## Shohanee (Dec 16, 2001)

I don't see a problem with sharing your delight with your child when you are genuinely pleased with their behavior, or disappointed as the case may be. But the difference is on the *effects* of their behavior rather than on *them*.

"I see that you shared your sandwich with Sarah. Good job!"

That doesn't say much about what effect the sharing had, it merely expresses my approval - and should my approval be the motivation? I hope not!

"Look at the smile on Sarah's face, she looks really happy and content. I'm guessing that when you shared your sandwich with her, she was very grateful and pleased. She must have been hungry!"

This DOES draw attention to the *effects* of the sharing...not just sharing cause it's something grown-ups expect us to do and we get a "goodie" (praise) for doing it.

So, my dd might share when there's an adult around dishing out praise, simply for the "fix" of getting praised and approval for who she is. Or she might share when she has a friend who's hungry for the simple joy of contributing to another's well being, whether an adult notices or not. I hope it's the latter.

Therein lies the difference for me. This example could be about sharing, it could be about housework or anything else!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I guess "Good job" (or "Way to go!" or "Excellent!") feel right to me when I'm sort of celebrating with the person - when we both know that she achieved her goals in an area and we're sort of celebrating, like a high-five thing. Since theater is our life at the moment those are the examples that come to mind, nut we're always saying stuff like this to each other there. I said, "Good job!" to a guy in his forties today because he hit the A flat he'd been struggling with - and he was beaming before and after I said it, because he knew he'd hit it. I saw it as a sort of sharing his joy thing....

I guess it doesn't work for me when it's a value judgement, but it doesn't always have to be.

dar


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

I clicked on the link and read the article, and I think the author has some good points. I do try to use simple description to acknowledge good things my dd does, so that she is able to feel proud of herself rather than needing my approval. This is something I learned from the "How to Talk" book (Faber and mazlish, too lazy to type the whole title!).

On the other hand, I don't think that saying "good job" on occasion, or "good listening," "thank you for sharing your toys," or anything similar is as damaging as he makes it out to be. Yes, I have definitely seen parents who overdo this - even praising SITTING, for heaven's sake. I can see how this could easily produce an insecure child who is overly dependent on the approval of others.

Overpraise like that always reminds me of a week I once spent visiting a friend who was in the process of training a puppy. The method was to give a command, then follow it with praise: "Sit, doggy," doggy sits, then you say, "Good sit," and add some petting or other reinforcement. It was a constant thing throughout the day. But this was a DOG, and dogs are trained to be submissive to humans. Not intended for human children!!! Remembering this keeps my praising in check!


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## MoonLissa (May 3, 2003)

I haven't looked at the article yet, but I plan to do so immediately after I post a little something about the word "job" in our house.

"Job" is not really a positive word (to us!), so we rarely say "good job!" to our ds. My husband goes to a "job" and it takes him away from our family. It's necessary for the moment, but we still treat "job" as something that is an obligation.

"Work" however we treat as projects that we "like" to do that make the world a better place. We "work" in the garden, we do "work" at our church...stuff like that. We work to praise in ways such as thanking each other for the efforts they have put into something. We want to raise our children (and ourselves!) to enjoy doing something simply for the pleasure of making the world a nicer place. "Work", we feel, is something we look forward to doing for our spirit. We would do it without thought of money. "Job" is something we are obligated to do, usually for a paycheck or other reward. Maybe we look forward to it; maybe we would rather be doing something else.









My husband has a job in finance. It's a temporary thing for him. I "work" as a massage therapist on my own because I love to do it and it helps people. Many times I volunteer my time for a race or something. My husband doesn't volunteer his financial services.









If someone has a "job" that they love, than we would see that more as "work" and that's really the best of both worlds!

Yes, this is semantics. I am simply offering another point of view on these words and to get the brain blood flowing on how we can encourage our children in more effective ways.







We want them to all have healthy self-esteems, right? This whole discussion seems to be about that.

I'm off to print and actually READ the article. I appreciate your sharing it, Shohanee.

^^Liss


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Thanks Lunamom, The training analogy is kind of like what I was trying to say.

If praise is used ONLY to gain an "expected" behaviour then I can see it being bad (like in training a dog). Authentic praise and compliments are different (IMO anyway) and not harmful. The idea that a child will only be motivated by praise when praise is truly meant and well deserved doesn't seem to give enough credit to the child. If the child felt insecure or was lacking in bonding and attachment to the parents, and praise was the ONLY positive thing received from the parents then I could see a problem, but that would be a problem of attachment and not praise.

The problem I have with this idea is that I think children learn by *example* more then anything. I want to set an example of showing gratitude, acknowledging others when appropriate, and noticing when others have done something well. If I say "good job" to someone it is because they HAVE done a good job. If ds helps with the dishes, and does them well I will say "good job" because he is 2 and I am impressed with the JOB he has done. If he shares something with me I say "thank you for sharing your apple with me" (or whatever) because I am THANKFUL. If he draws a picture and shows me I say "wow, nice picture. I like all the blue you used" because I LIKE THE BLUE. You get the idea.

I don't feel this is dangerous, or that I am teaching him to only do things for the praise. I am being honest and sincere. I think it would do him a disservice to avoid saying such things. If I only praised him because I wanted whatever behaviours to continue I would not be being sincere. I wouldn't say "good job at sitting quietlly in the restaraunt" I would say "thank you for being patient during dinner, I know it was hard for you to sit that long" (again only if it was hard for him to sit and we were thankful he was patient).

I think we spend to much time worrying how everything we do affects our children, and following what this author or that author has to say. This makes our job as parents so much more difficult. Being honest with children and treating them as we would like to be treated will go much further IMO









Laurie


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## NoHiddenFees (Mar 15, 2002)

Quote:

If praise is used ONLY to gain an "expected" behaviour then I can see it being bad (like in training a dog). Authentic praise and compliments are different (IMO anyway) and not harmful.
This is my understanding of why "good job" and related praise can be harmful (not will be harmful). However, the intentions of the praiser are not the only variable. In Deci's _Why We Do What We Do_, he explains that praise is counterproductive -- either fomenting rebellion or reinforcing inauthentic behavior -- to the extent that the person being praised interprets it as being controlling. Spontaneous, authentic praise is far less likely to be harmful... provided it is interpreted that way. Likewise, global praise (good boy, good job, etc.) is more likely to be interpreted as controlling than is descriptive comments or praise. The book is an interesting read.


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## Mattia (Jun 15, 2003)

GREAT article!!!







Thanks for posting it... I'm going to share it!


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

Dh and I read the article together. It was very helpful and insightful and I thank you. I've read a similar article before and there is also a good chapter in Kids Are Worth It along the same lines...

That said, I *TRULY* needed the reminder, and subsequent reality check of how lazy I've become with encourgement vs. praise. DH and I both are making better effort to say: "when you water those plants, it sure makes 'em happy!" or a simple "thank you for helping me." instead of, "you're helping mommy water the plants. Good job!"

I have to think about it sometimes, and this makes me sad. I admit that this is one area where my instincts aren't as honed I suppose. It's such a habit to "good job" everything. But like I said before, it's probably more bad habit/laziness on my part rather than following my instincts (aka, knee jerk reaction and instinct are NOT the same thing!)







Add to that, checking my motive for saying such things (i.e., said in order to perpetuate good behavior vs. encouraging DS for DS's sake).

Anyway, I ramble... but suffice to say, I'm in much appreciation!

THanks again.


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## rosebuds (May 23, 2003)

I agree with Embree. Since having read the article I have kept my sensors up to watch how I have been using 'praise' with my dd's and I am appalled at the times where I was going to use 'good job!'. Ashlin was rocking on her rocking bike thing and I caught myself about to say "Good Rocking!" Totally lazy language on my part! Also we went to the drop in center yesterday and one of the ecp had said Good Job to my dd's three times within the first 15 minutes of us being there! (I am going to print out the article and bring it with me next time and see if they want to post it up on their info board.)

Thanks again for the heads up! I am truly making an effort to be more mindful.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I find Kohn really interesting, I read Punished by Rewards a few years ago, which imo was a ground-breaking book. He challenges the blanket 'praise/positive teaching/positive parenting' philosophy and gives new insights into the way that parents and professionals were heading.

On the other hand, he makes an assumption that all children are blank slates with no prior experience - this is particularly true if you try to put his methods into practice in schools. Some children do need direct praise and rewards, over and over, to establish understanding of what are good behaviours. However, if this is needed, I believe they shoudl then be 'weaned' off it asap.

In terms of parenting and the 'unspoilt' child in school, then I believe he's spot on. I hate it as an adult if someone gives me sugary praise, and I don't think it is a useful tool for children - although as someone said, it is different if it is a celebration rather like a high five for achieving a commonly understood goal.








T I have always been really irritated by the phrase, particularly when I first came to the USA. When I was in labour with dd#1, I couldn't believe that nurses really thought that shouting "Good job!" would inspire me to push that baby out. I threatened to strangle the next person who said it, and I truly believe I meant it.


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## KandD (Dec 27, 2001)

I liked it when my little guy (who is 4) hovered over my shoulder as I was fixing something with a screwdriver, and then spontaneously said "good job, mommy!" with utter sincerity.
I took that as he understood the value of the compliment.


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## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

What a sad article.

"Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we're telling a child how to feel. "

Mommy look what I did. Yeah whatever. Oh wait, you are making them feel.... what... perhaps sad by not saying good job? Lets not make our children feel any freakin thing so they can grow up to be zombies.

Possitive comments go farther.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

How about we not make our children feel anything, but allow them the freedom to have and own their true feelings, and honor and respect those.

Dar


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## gurumama (Oct 6, 2002)

This made me think about how I, as an adult in a job setting, would feel if I were told "good job" every time I did something my boss wanted me to do, the way he/she wanted me to do it.

It might get kind of old, KWIM?

I've been catching myself all week saying "good job" to ds1 (I read this thread last week) and trying to find more attentive ways to pay attention to him. I go deeper now--"I like how you sounded out that word" or "Thank you for giving Reilly (15 mo brother) his cup as I asked" or "Do you see how Reilly is smiling?" and so on.

There IS a qualitative difference between reinforcing positive behaviors with off the cuff cliched platitudes vs. letting the kids' intrinsic interests blossom.

I'm just starting to grasp this--the article helped me to see that there's a certain level of dependence that's created by setting up a cycle of praise.

It reminds me of a child in school who is praised for getting "A"s and who then learns to do whatever is needed to get an A--studying, writing analysis that the teacher will agree with, being a model student--and then develops an intellectual dependence on the teachers' approval.

That was me! All the way through until grad school, when suddenly I was asked to produce ORIGINAL thought and asked to DISAGREE OPENLY with my teachers. Ack! What did they mean? The rules were suddenly very different and I found myself scrambling to find some norm, some way to getting that A. But there was no anchor inside me for what analytical and critical thinking meant to me. I had no framework for how to think independently.

So if a child learns to rely on the praise as a guide for how to earn adults' approval, what happens when they are an adult and no longer have that external anchor?

I think that's how I'm reading this article. That praise is important--but it's a tool that must be used carefully to help the child find his/her own intrinsic worth.


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

When my ds says, "Mommy I go down the slide" I say something like,

"Yes, Honey, I SEE you going down the slide."

THis way, he knows that he has my attention, and that I acknowledge that he is communicating to me something he's excited about and yet I'm not grading him.

Like Dar said (in not so many words) I'm not going to tell him how he should feel about going down the slide and whether I thought it was adequate or a GOOD JOB or whatever, but rather, I think he should have his own feelings about it and at the same time I want him to know that I acknowledge him.

OK major grammar violations going on in my post....

Quote:

_Originally posted by kimmysue2_
*What a sad article.

"Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we're telling a child how to feel. "

Mommy look what I did. Yeah whatever. Oh wait, you are making them feel.... what... perhaps sad by not saying good job? Lets not make our children feel any freakin thing so they can grow up to be zombies.

Possitive comments go farther.*


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## MoonLissa (May 3, 2003)

I've been working on changing my phrasing AND way of thinking about praise. For example, we are working on potty training and rather than saying "I'm proud of you!" when ds uses the potty, we have borrowed the tune from Dora the Explorer, "I used the potty and we flushed it away and I did it! I did it! I did it, HORRAY!!". He says this himself and I believe it teaches him to be proud of his OWN progress. We give him goals to work toward and then dh and I work to just be present. Happy as he is happy, not BECAUSE of what he is doing. We see this as teaching him to do things for his own personal accomplishment rather than for seeking praise of those around him.

^^Liss


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

Can anyone tell me if this is what I am looking for? I seem to recall a thread that listed ten reasons not to say "Good Job". Can anyone point me to that? I tried searching and I only found this one.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Seems to me that this is another one of the "moderation is everything" and "depends on the circumstances" sort of issue. I agree that "good job" for everything, or used insincerely, or used only to motivate a particular behaviour is probably not the best answer. I also think that how much impact it has depends on the age and understanding of the child.

I tend to use the same "praise" words and phrases with my 4 YO and my husband. Which means that I say "thank you for X" a lot. As in "Thank you for cleaning up your toys" and "Thank you for cooking dinner". Because we should notice when people (of any age) do things that make our lives easier and we should say thank you for it. But I also use good job, way to go, excellent, etc. when it feels appropriate. My general standand is "would I say this to my husband?" If so, then I think its equally appropriate for the kids.

What troubles me is the idea that judgement and control of children are inappropriate. We judge and control our kid's behaviour all the time. It's one of the key jobs of parents--to help children understand what is and isn't appropriate in the world. Which means they do need to know when things they have done aren't "good". No, we probably shouldn't say "bad job", but we most certainly should tell them that pushing through a line and going down the slide out of turn isn't appropriate. So, yes, we provide guidance on what is good and bad and I don't see why telling them this is a problem, as long as its done respectfully and with specific reference to the behaviour.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I don't give a bunch of knee-jerk "good job" phrases a lot for the same reason I don't say "no" a lot.

Usually, when the kids do something I don't want them to do, we'll talk it through. If it is dangerous or I need it to stop immediately, I'll say "no". I use "no" so infrequently so that when I finally DO use it, it stops them in their tracks. I see parents who use "no" until it doesn't have an effect on their children at all.

When I give my kids praise, usually it is explained praise. I want it to have an EFFECT when some day, my kids come home with a great report card or with a wonderful project or something similar they are truly proud of, and I beam and say "good job!" I don't often praise the kids for doing what I told them, unless I know it was difficult for them - I will praise them for doing something exceptional or doing it exceptionally well ("wow Becca, you got ready so fast!"). And they always get hugs and kisses from me if they do something particularly nice for one another (or for me or DH) out of the blue. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little encouragement - they'll find themselves eventually - as long as it isn't ALL about my approval.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Ok, I think the problem is not the praise itself, but empty praise. I do say "good job" a lot. But I usually follow it up with, "Good job, you drank from a cup for the first time by yourself!" Or, "You look really proud of that colorful painting. Good job!."

I feel like I am my daughter's first cheering squad. I also tend to narrate her day. "Oh, you're playing with your blocks/cars/trains/dolls, etc."

She will also praise herself. She'll run an errand for me (throwing something in the garbage, for instance), and will run out of the kitchen saying, "Good Job!" I will thank her for helping me, and we move on.

I don't think this is making her dependent on my praise, or that she won't do things on her own just because of it. I don't talk down to her. I'm not condescending.

Oh, and I do praise the adults in my life as well. When my mom was quitting smoking after being a smoker for over 40 years, I often told her she was doing a good job. It made things easier for her, because her efforts were being acknowledged. She appreciated it.

Bec


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## Nurturing Mama (Nov 11, 2003)

This article gave me something to think about, but I'm really not convinced that praising children is bad. Where does "stealing a child's pleasure" come from? I don't believe that I steal my child's pleasure or tell him how to feel when I praise him.

I also praise adults, and appreciate when I am praised.

The article is thought provoking, but doesn't seem to be based in facts or research. It seems to be the author's theory, and I'm not buying it.


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## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

I was talking to dh about this thread, and he had some interesting insight. Shocked the h*** out of me, actually, he usually just rolls his eyes and says I'm thinking to much about stuff







Anyway, he says there are 3 steps to efective praise: 1) recognise the accomplishment, 2) Express your feelings about it 3) Express the effects of the accomplishment. This actually is from a management course he is taking. So he's supposed to say stuff like, Hey, you finished the thingy! That's great! Now the hardware guys will have lots of time to meet their schedule








Or, I see you put a lot of thought into this design. I really like the setup. People will find it much easier to use this product. Or whatever. Seems wordy, but I know when I've recieved praise like that it's really made me feel like part of the team, and it has felt much more sincere than the standard atta girl/good job. I think kids are much the same way.

And ITA with nurturing mama, praise doesn't steal joy  If no internal motivator and praise is used as a reward, kids may become end product driven etc. And how the heck else am I supposed to convince dd of a million things that I want her to do other than try and use praise to shape her behaviour?? She's not very verbal yet, and the 'natural consequences' of spilling her juice on the floor and splashing in it are pretty much completely lost on her @@ We are *supposed* to be shaping and influencing our kids behaviour, for gods sake - that's why we're parenting instead of caretaking kwim?


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I really don't like the term "good job." I've never used it-- not when I taught formally, and not with my DD. I think it's condescending, plain and simple, when used with ANYONE.

I do believe in sharing the joy of an accomplishment, so I get excited when DD gets excited . . .that's completely different from me judging her. If I am happy with something she's done, I let her know: "Ohh . . .Sam (the cat) looks so happy when you pet her on her body!" (as opposed to pulling her tail or some other off-limits behavior).

I also am one of those people who needs praise. I thrive on it. It's quite sad, really, and I don't want my DD to be that way. I want her to be happy within herself over what she does, instead of doing things in order to get praise.

I didn't read the article, BTW, but I have read the "Punished by Rewards" book. I think it has good points, but a bit too extreme for my taste . . .I'd love to see Alfie Kohn as a classroom teacher test his theories!


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Funny...I was just thinking about the whole "good job" thing today. Julia and I were playing ball and she was really doing a great job of catching, throwing, and kicking. I said it because I meant it. I also get more specific...like.."thank you for helping me clean up." I can understand how ridiculous it could be if you said it about everything. I think I started thinking about it because Jamie Lee Curtis said something like that in an article. She said she didn't like that parents praised their kids for everything..like good climbing or whatever and the kid is big. I also thank my dh when he does something..like go to the store or something for Julia and then sometimes I think..but that's what he should do. But you know? People appreciate it when people they care about acknowledge their efforts. Being a sahm, I know I appreciate it when John tells me thank you for doing his laundry or whatever. I would have done it anyway but it's nice to know someone is happy. I think we worry too much I really do.







:


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I don't know if I'm talking nonsense (hey, could be, I'm tired...) but I think that thanking and praising are different. My DH and I thank each other all the time for doing routine around-the-house things (mainly because we don't divide up chores - it is more a matter of who is occupied and who wants to do it) and we thank the kids for putting stuff away or whatever, but we don't "good job!" them or each other for getting things done. I think knowing you are appreciated and being praised up and down are two different things, you know? If I've told one of the kids to put a dish in the sink, and they do it, I will say "thank you" but I wouldn't say "good job!" just because it feels ingenuine.


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## NoraB (Dec 10, 2002)

Quote:

What troubles me is the idea that judgement and control of children are inappropriate. We judge and control our kid's behaviour all the time. It's one of the key jobs of parents--to help children understand what is and isn't appropriate in the world. Which means they do need to know when things they have done aren't "good".
I agree. A huge part of parenting is guidance. I think that guidance involves a lot of value judgements. Hitting is generally bad (unless you're protecting yourself from harm and there's no other option). Being kind and gentle is good. Stealing is wrong, etc etc. It seems like much of parenting is instilling a moral foundation in children. KWIM?

I have always disliked the phrase "good girl/boy." That just sounds like something you say to a dog. I am guilty of saying "good job" though. I don't believe I've said it w/ any manipulative intent, but I haven't analyzed my motives very closely in that regard. I had heard that too much praise can be harmful, and have tried to stay away from it. I didn't stop to think that "good job" can sound just like "good girl."

I do think recognition is important though, as long as it's genuine. I don't do things to get DH's (or anyone else's) recognition (though I used to be a recognition/praise junkie as a kid), but I do enjoy it when I get it. I also think kids are pretty good at reading body language and tone, especially from those ppl they know intimately. I think they'll know if the praise/encouragement/recognition is genuine or not.

I'll definitely be paying more attention to what I say to DD from now on!


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## tricia80 (Oct 28, 2003)

I do not believe i necessarily agree with the whole article...

I do give dd praises when she accomplishes something... especially if shes come and told me with that great big smile..

i dont say good going to the potty by urself cuz well shes done it for 3 yrs now...lol... i dont say good _____ to everything she does... but sometimes she will say mommy look at _____ and i will say thats great or whatever is appropriate at that time...

and im guilty of calling her beautiful alot too... her first word was pretty... so i think she knows it :LOL


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## Marlena (Jul 19, 2002)

I agree that mindless praise is senseless.

However, the comment that someone made on page one strikes me as rather inapposite: "Think about how it would sound if you told an adult something like 'good job getting the mail!' after they went to the mailbox."

Yep, that would be pretty silly. But many things that we consider simple and ordinary are in fact difficult and novel for our small children. Is it bad to praise people for a job well done, particularly when the task accomplished is new and challenging? I hope we'd all agree that that's not the case.

Instead of comparing the situation to praising an adult for getting the mail, try comparing it to a situation in which, say, you've just successfully executed your first attempt at standing up on a horse's back while trick riding. The person assisting you says, "Good job!" Would you be offended? Would you think the person was patronizing you? Or would you be pleased that your accomplishment was recognized?


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Oh, and can someone tell me why I shouldn't call my child pretty? I mean, she is. I also tell her she is smart, clever, funny, and silly. Are those wrong too?

I just feel like sometimes we get carried away with all of this. I'm not sure the kids care all that much!

Bec


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## Morgraine (Mar 1, 2004)

Good Article - The point I took away was that there are effective ways to communicate with children besides the often pat - Good Job.
I like the idea of being honest and providing feed back that really matters. If my dh said good job cleaning the house honey, I would feel patronized. If he said I see that you scrubbed the floors, tub and sinks, did our laundry and put it all away. . . Thank-you. How are you feeling tonight? I feel that he is really paying attention to what I did for the family. Are "good jobs" toxic? No, but they don't have to be a staple in our communication pantry.


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## Morgraine (Mar 1, 2004)

I think that calling you kids beautiful, sweet, wonderful, amazing, and everything else is natural because you are in love. And when we are in love. . . who knows why we do what we do. . .!!!!

If I rode a horse while standing and then you looked at me and said "Good Job!" I would not be offended. But come on "Good Job" is kind of a no brainer. I just rode a horse while standing!!! Could you not think of something more inspired? ie, My heart was pounding as you pulled you legs up! or That was incredicle, how did it feel to see the ground rushing beneath you? or Your looked so strong up there. or How did you learn to do that? English is a fun language. So many great ways to express ourselves. Let's not limit ourselves with boring old "Good Job, what's next"


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## CTMOMOF2 (Aug 7, 2003)

And i'd like to go further and say that I think that our own kids don't know the difference it the words we use as other's might see. Whether its "good job" "excellent" or "i like the way you did that" It is all the same to them, they are too little to know the difference. They hear that they're mommy is happy or excited. They know the meaning of the words, but if they grew up hearing "good job" meaning a positive happy thing. I don't see what's wrong with that.

I will continue to tell my son that he's doing a great job!!! I love to see him excited about something he's achieved.

I don't know if i necessarily agree that you can over-do praising, except in the case of the other poster that mentioned about coming after 20 times of being called and praising that you didn't have call the 21st time... I agree there is nothing to praise there. But when there is, why not say... "Hey, Great Job!!"


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I went searching for this thread b/c I am "good job" junkie. The article gave me a new way of thinking. I don't think I am harming her at 17 mos by saying it but it is a habit I should break now so it doesn't become monotanous(sp). I printed it out, too so my DH can read it and make fun of me :LOL


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

I'm one of the middle-of-the-road moms on this one. I think we can easily over-analyze. I use "good job" in the co-celebration sense, and try to be more specific with my compliments when possible. I do think it's good to monitor the praise so that it doesn't become rote, inappropriate, or too frequent. I've been guilty of these from time to time and it's good to have a reminder.

Quote:

I use "no" so infrequently so that when I finally DO use it, it stops them in their tracks. I see parents who use "no" until it doesn't have an effect on their children at all.
:LOL I just had to comment on this. I've used "no" a bit too much for it to be a good tool in an emergency. I tend to use it like, "Nooo -- don't chew on money, it's dirty!" But watch my kids when I say "STOP!" They freeze like statues, and nearly always obey whatever command follows.







If they don't, I step in immediately with a consequence so that the phrase doesn't loose it's effectiveness. So as long as you have *a* word that works when you really need it to, that's what matters. Those parents may have a different word that they use in safety situations. (Or not -- I saw some frightfully ineffective parenting in my retail days.







: )


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## Leonor (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:

maybe it was because I was never ever praised as a child. ("A's are good, next time I want to see A+s").
Hey, could it be that our mums were twins?









I think this is praise, this is the worse kind of praise there is! This is so destructive. I have so much problems also (but maybe not exclusively) because of it. It's so painful not to be able to draw joyfully like I used to. I just struggle with loads of rubish in my head and I'm always craving praise.

I do think the praise theory in the article makes sense but there's something missing, and I can't figure it out right now.

I struggle everyday in not harming my child with the same old parenting "tics" but I think I'm failing, it's too hard.


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## Leonor (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Dar_
How about we not make our children feel anything, but allow them the freedom to have and own their true feelings, and honor and respect those.
Hmmm... Okay...
This led me to think how the solutions suggested in Kohn's article are not quite right.

Quote:

_from Kohn's article_
you might provide feedback - not judgment - about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"
Yes, but... Do you like it?

I know I am a grown up with hang ups, unlike a child who just started doing art, but when I draw I'm trying to achieve something, to contribute with my individuality to do something new, something good. So if I show my art to someone, I want to know if they like it.

If I show them this http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/l/...ababy.gif.html and someone tells me "Boy, you sure used a lot of green on that one!" I will think "duh".

If someone says "the baby is lovely", like so many did, then I know I achieved something. If someone goes "wow" I know that person is probably impressed.

If someone comments that the mother looks old, as someone did in private with a previous version of this drawing, although negative, it's still good criticism, it means I got the shading and line art too heavy on the wrong places, or I missed proportion and I needed to improve if I wanted the mother to look younger. So I need to look for help on that.

If people ask me what do I like best about my drawing, like Kohn suggests, I feel a bit cheated. If you cook a meal for someone do you want people to ask you if you like it? It sounds like people are suspicious of your meal or something.

I don't really want to talk about my feelings about my art (they are not good usually) I'm sharing something and want to know how people react to it. I don't mind people ask me the story behind it. But if they ask "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" I hope I really did good feet and they are really interested in my feet skills.









I had one friend telling me "Don't take me wrong, but I really don't like that kind of realist art". Thanks to his honesty, I now know I won't be showing my art to him anymore!









Kind honesty usually never comes across as bad to me.

BUT!...

What happens with children is parents are usually in a very powerful and exclusive position in their children's life, so what they say is the world to them.

So parents have to be more careful about their honesty, how they say things. Children usually don't have much people to turn to.

One day my dad said of a drawing of a dog I made "That's crap, it looks like a pig!". I went to my room crying.

I took his opinion very seriously not only because he was my dad but because he was an artist. I tried so hard and it was like a double slap in the face.

Gladly he apologised and helped me make the dog look better, with good criticism "you see, you made the nostrils too big and blured the fur too much... etc".

The person I gave the drawing to still commented happily "what a pretty pig"







Oh well.

Anyway, I was ten by then, and trying to draw realisticlly, so I think it's different from a toddler who doesn't have much of a goal but splashing a bit of paint. If toddler fills a page with purple there's nothing much to praise there, is it? So keep your mouth shut. Smile if anything. Say "YAY!" Join in!









A toddler is just testing how paint works, how it spreads, how it mixes. He could be trying to represent something, say a big wheel, but if it's not clear leave it, unless he asks for further feeback or comments on it. Listen then. Smile. Is he happy with it? Leave him be. If he wants your feedback be honest: "mmm... well, your wheel looks a bit square to me, you want me to show you how I do a wheel?". Give him a top or a small plate to help him draw wheels if he wants to improve on that. If he's frustrated, help and comfort. If he wants to quit by now, let him quit.

Conclusion, Kohn did a good job analising the "good job" problem, but some of his advice is not universal.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Thanks Leo! You helped make it click what I really objected to with this article.

I really like to celebrate when my child accomplishes something. Especially something new and totally different. We are currently in the midst of potty-training.

Katie has been doing a fabulous job at it, and is really trying so hard to get it right. It's a lot for a busy kid to think about, and I think her effort deserves some recognition beyond a mere description.

When I get excited, she gets excited and her determination is doubled.

Bec


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## brandywine (Mar 25, 2004)

I tell my kids 'good boy' and 'good girl,' which I know really raises the hackles on some people. However, I don't say it in response to a behavior. I usually tell them they are good in the morning, or just throughout the day, at random.....sometimes when they are having a hard time. I usually say something like "You sure are a good boy, and I like the way you're growing, I'm glad I get to be your mom." My kids tell me they're glad to have me for a mom too. I also give specific praise like "I saw how you shared your bike with Tommy, that's a nice way to treat your friend." I also make up and sing goofy songs about the good qualities of the people around me-also my animals, although the songs about the animals often poke fun at some not so appealing qualities (like a habit of rolling in cow manure). I praise my husband too...."Wow, the garden looks great, thanks for moving those boulders to the front yard." Although I think praising someone for checking the mail is silly (perhaps worthy of a song?) I find that most adults do like a pat on the back now and then. My mother-in law works really hard to have a beautiful home, and scours flea markets and such for inexpensive things she can revamp and use in her place. It's just gorgeous and takes alot of upkeep. I always mention one or two things specifically when I'm there-not because I want a reaction from here but because I'm truly amazed at what she does.

Good job irritates me though. It sounds insincere and flippant-I think because I worked at a homeless hselter with a day-care for a few years and the staff said it about 200 times a day. Drove me nuts.







:


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

I just had to post this: I'm currently reading Touching My Father's Soul: A Sherpa's Journey to the Top of Everest by Jamling Tenzing Norgay, the son of Tenzing Norgay Sherpa (the first, along with Edmund Hillary, to reach the summit of Everest.) Jamling climbed Everest with the 1996 IMAX expedition.

When the climbing party reached the summit, Jamling radioed back to base camp to report that they had made it. The response from the folks at base camp? "Great Job!"


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I don't think there is anything wrong with a heartfelt compliment and a sincere thank you. But I agree, empty praise is damaging.

I'm working hard to rid myself of lazy responses (lazy language, like someone mentioned here).


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## quodlibet (Apr 12, 2004)

I don't think you can overdo honest praise. In fact, I consciously praise my partner and family for trivial things (things I might not naturally/instinctively praise), whether by thanking them for doing simple tasks or telling DP that his hair looks great, or whatever.

In one of my psych/child development classes, the professor said that it takes ten positives to balance one negative (true for both adults and children). That is, if ten people tell you that you're beautiful, and one person tells you that you're ugly, you feel neutral, even though the opinions expressed have OVERWHELMINGLY reinforced the idea that you're beautiful. Criticism is much louder than praise.

And here's the kicker: a correction counts as a negative! So if a child is performing a task and you say, "Do it this way instead," no matter how politely you phrase it, it has the psychological impact of a criticism and the child needs TEN positive reinforcements to get back to neutral.

It's sort of a shocking idea written down like that, but I also think that at some level people understand it to be true and that is why we all say "Good job, baby! You blow great spit bubbles!"

PS - I can relate to Leonor's story of her dad criticising the dog drawing. I had babysitters so infrequently as a child that it was always a big event. My parents were going to a seminar and left me and my sister in the care of three high school girls...I drew them each a picture and wrote their names on them in backwards pre-K handwriting. I was particularly proud of one picture....and what did the recipient say? "Oh great, I got the one with the big mouth!" I was MAYBE four years old and I remember how hurt I felt. It didn't matter that the other two girls really liked my pictures, her comment is the only one I remember more than twenty years later.

Don't stop praising your kids. There are plenty of people in the world who will do the opposite. I agree, of course, that there are more constructive ways to praise than others, but the simple gift of your approval is a huge thing that will stay with your kids forever...or at least I hope it will stay with mine.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

I don't necessarily think that saying the occasional "good job" will ruin my child forever, but I was really taken back by the amount of times I say it. I hadn't thought of how important ecouragement vs. praise is. I feel like a big lazy oaf of a parent. I will definetly start elaborating on my praise instead of just the token, no thinking, "good job". I believe it could be the difference between raising a "good" child and raising an exceptional, articulate child.

I also think praise is sooooooooooooo important, whatever way you want to give it. As long as it is not self motivating or to control someone else. After all, for all you Christians...praise is the one thing that God wants from us, over and over again.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

in short, i disagree with the idea that parents should stop saying "good job."

Quote:

If I show them this http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/l...iababy.gif.html and someone tells me "Boy, you sure used a lot of green on that one!" I will think "duh".
:LOL









ok, with that said...

i would much rather praise my child consistently when he works on what i want him to / plays nicely / does good stuff than let it slide, not praise him directly, and then apply negative consequences when he *happens* to not do what i want him to. i've seen only good things come of consistent praisal and positive reinforcement.

i use the phrases "good job," "good work," and "wow, you put a lot of effort into that" a good deal of the time to let him know that i'm happy about what he's done and i think it's a behaviour worth repeating. if he goes potty in the toilet, i have no problems telling him, "great job using the potty!" if he puts a ton of work into a picture and shows it to me, i'm not going to just say, "yeah pretty picture," or "gosh you used a lot of black in that," i say "WOW i can tell you put a TON of work into this, and i like it a lot! good job!" with lots of smiles + positive body language (looking at him, giving him my attention, facing him, etc). in this way, he knows that 1) i'm acknowledging what he's done, 2) what he did was good, and 3) possibly most importantly, he sees that i care.

when he was a baby and toddler, i used "good job" plus hugs and smiles to encourage things i wanted him to learn, like various motor skills. even now, when he does something really cool (for example, masters a yoga pose that he picks up from being with me while i'm doing yoga, or climbing all the way up the rope thing at the park) i don't mind telling him what a great job he's doing, or even that i can see he's putting a lot of effort into it -- mainly because i really am honestly impressed that he can do what he's showing me.

some of my motivation for treating him like this comes from the fact that i, too, was raised with phrases like, "great, but..." and "yeah, you got a 90% on that test -- why not a 95%? i know you're smart. maybe you'll do better next time." i began to interpret even mostly benign phrases like, "i can see you used a lot of green in that" as negative comments because i learned that's how my parents really were using it. but i don't think that motivation nullifies my own actions; if anything, it strengthens them, because i remember how it feels to be a kid, and how i interpreted their comments. i'm careful to avoid senseless praise -- just telling him "good job" without even really acknowledging what he's done.

bottom line: i think parents need to evaluate their actions and words, sure, but cutting praise and/or criticizing parents who do praise their kids consistently isn't going to solve anything.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

Bump


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## glitterbits333 (Nov 17, 2003)

Thank you Bippity!


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## EmmaJean (Sep 26, 2002)

I tell James Good Job a lot, but also follow it w/ why I think he did a good job. I think that helps give more weight to the praise and turn it into encouragement. But what else do you say to an infant when you're proud of her for learning a new skill? Good Job is always part of my vocab, although that's not all that I say to her. I'm just so genuinely proud of her! "Good job! Look at you trying to get on all fours. You're doing so well and getting so big...."


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## LittleYellow (Jul 22, 2004)

Hello - this is my first post. I've been lurking for a while, but since I've been thinking about this topic in my work a lot lately I've decided to stop being shy and finally join in........

As a Museum Educator (good for someone who is TTC and will likely be an unschooler) I strive to have respectful and meaningful interactions with the kids who visit instead of being a "preachy" educator (as most other educators I run into are). Recently I was with a one year old visitor and we were passing a cup back and forth and cooing into it - until one of my co-workers came over without observing at all to be "preachy" saying "you have one, two cups." Um OK -thats not what I or the one year old happened to be concerned with at the moment. Would you walk up to two adults having a conversation and jump in by saying "the capital of Illinois is Springfield???"

While praise is way way way better than punishment and negativity I feel like there are even more positive interactions that go beyond praise, are more authentic, help kids keep thier intrinsic motivation, and make for very interesting conversations between kids and adults.

I stay away from generic "good jobs" with kids because I feel like that makes it about doing the activity for me and not for themselves and that I would loose out on a chance for real conversation. At my current museum (which is only a temporary position thank goodness bc/ of a short term transfer for dh) most of the activities are "color in the ...." product oriented activities which drives me crazy and pretty much goes against everything I believe about developing creativity, spirit of exploration etc. As I sit there with these insipid activities though I have a chance to reflect on how I interact with kids and watch how others interact and watch how theseeffect the kids. Some of the phrases that drive me crazy and that usually result in kids not being interested in doing much more are....

- "Good Job"
- "Color it pretty"
- "You're only using red, use ..."
- "Thats enough glue"
- "Are you done yet?"
- "The lady will tell you how to do it" (oh no I won't!!!)
- "you didn't finish"

- "get another color" often followed by grabbing childs hand and forcing in another color. Of course the child often decides that they are done after that interaction.

- "you're gonna make one and you're gonna like it"

-"Take your mask. Turn it over. Write your name on the back. Write it small. Turn it over again. Color it - All I ask is that you make it look nice" - this one from another museum
"educator" ggggrrrrrrr.

With each kid, I always try to find something specific to interact with (unless of course they are very focused on what they are doing - in which case I give them thier time and space). I try and talk about colors or lines that I genuinely like or combinations of colors or thier use of materials - the differences in pressure creating different effects. I give the basket of crayons to a toddler and let them explore taking them in or out, I share the experience of stacking the crayons on the project and not using them for coloring at all. I guess for me I am truly facinated by each childs unique perspective and when I am in that mindset there is always something to say that goes beyond "good job". I still stuggle sometimes when kids ask me "am I doing it good" and co-workers who don't even bother to think about how thier words affect the kids that come to visit at the museum (usually my co-workers are full of 'don'ts' and 'nos'.

But I could go on on this topic forever, and I have to let it end sometime - so now's a good a time as any.







Sorry for the long post.


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## MarissasMama (Jul 27, 2004)

We tell Marissa Good Job, but I also try to say other things to her, like thank you when she is obedient (not often these days, so I try to reinforce that I am pleased with her). I dont really mind saying good job. I do mind when people say "good girl" when she does what she is told. I really feel that it is telling her that she is only a good girl when she obeys others. I want her to be a free thinker and still behave herself when weneed her to. I tell her when I think she has done something well and when I dont like what she did (if it is serious, running intot he street, biting, etc). We just talk. Maybe it goes something like this:

MArissa, sit down while you are in the tub. Sit down. (she sits) Thank you. Are you ready to wash your hair?...

Or like this:

Wow, honey, that's great. You did a good job with those blocks. Do you like the tower you built?

She usually answers me with "yup, i like it" ot knocks it over.

I think the good job thing is fine, in moderation and with other interaction. I mean, It's one thing to just say "good job" and another to tell them that you think they did a great job with what ever it is and ask them a question to encourage the interaction.

Anyway, I didnt read the article, just everyone else's posts.

my 2 cents.
Jacqui


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## uberwench (Jul 25, 2003)

LittleYellow - that was a great post, well said!

I try so hard to steer away from a constant non-specific "Good Job!" - although i did use a somewhat cavalier "Good Job" early on to wean my DH from telling DS "Good boy!" (which made me NUTS!).

I try to make it action specific, and in line with what i'd say to anyone who impressed me (which ds does every day):

"Thank you for _____" and "I really like your picture!" and "It really makes it easier for me when you ask in that way, thanks so much."


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Bumping.

Pat


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