# MIL being emotionally needy to my children...



## HannahsMomma (Oct 2, 2006)

How do you deal with that ? My mil visits us about once every two to four months. The visits only last a few hours. Dh and I are fine with it. He isn't very close with his family for many reaasons ie: his parents are alcoholics (functioning), they have no respect for us as far as our parenting and there are so many other reasons that I could probably write a book







.
Anyways, mil is constantly trying to get our 4 yr old dd and our 14 month old ds to say I love you to her. She is always whispering to them about how she is going to meet all their needs and she will always get them what they want because she is their grandma or see how much grandma loves you ? she bought you candy/clothes/whatever! She keeps saying she'll buy them this and that even though they don't have an interest in stuff..they just want to play. I'm really at a loss as far as what to do. It's disturbing. We just had dd's bday party and people around her (dh and my friends) were looking at her like "what the heck is she saying?!"
Does anyone have any books or links I could read about how to deal with this type of person? I want to deal with this in a postive manner. I don't want to start any sort of fued with the family but I'm kind of afraid it will only get worse as our kids get older.....

TIA
B


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

It WILL get worse as the kids get older. I had to stop emotionally needy grandma in her tracks.

When she said, "You don't love me" to my toddler because he refused to give her a hug, she heard an earful!

There is no "nice" or "polite" way to deal with this, unfortunately. You just have to set boundaries. Be very clear. "Do not say that to my child" -type of thing.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Listen to your gut. She's trying to convey to your children that they are responsible for making her feel loved, that it's their job to make her happy. That is seriously toxic and emotionally dangerous.

I agree with A&A. Put some boundaries down that are set in stone, and make sure that there are consequences for overstepping them. Say, "Do not say that to my children ever again. If you can't refrain from [saying x, doing x] we will have to ask you to leave." Then, follow through.

Hugs, mama. I know it's very hard, but your children simply MUST be protected from this sort of madness.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Oh, and book ideas: _Emotional Blackmail_ and _Toxic In-Laws_, both by Susan Forward. Get _Toxic Parents_ for DH, if you think he'd be receptive.


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## misswerewolf (May 7, 2008)

I would recommend nipping it in the bud right away. I think that it is best to be direct and blunt about it, or if she is anything like my mother, she'll purposely misunderstand what you're trying to accomplish. This is what I did with my own mother, who put up a fuss and told me that I was mean not to allow her a "proper" grandmother-granddaughter relationship (okay, whatever!). But it ended. Our relationship was a little strained for a while, but it's okay now, and she doesn't overstep her boundaries anymore...at least, not that particular one!


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

Having problems myself with MIL, and I really think a lot stems from this kind of issue (paired with total lack of respect for me & dh as parents, bad combo. . .). I just want to tag along for ideas here. She has become all about buying things, is unable to regulate herself about it and takes great offense at us setting up any restrictions on her.
I really try to take the stance that I know she's doing stuff out of caring for dd, but yeah - she's laid some of this "don't you love me, if you do you'd do this" stuff on her. It helps me to just focus on the kid and explaining to them that what she's saying doesn't really make sense/gee, I don't know why grandma would say that to you when it probably makes you feel like X. I do this around grandma too (cause I have to, and for some reason she only listens to me when I'm indirectly talking to her through talking to my kids







).


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## Luckiestgirl (Nov 10, 2004)

My own mother has certainly been guilty of letting her emotional neediness affect her relationship with my kids. As with your situation, she sees them every 3-4 months.

We had two issues. The first was the "Please give grandma a hug/say I love you/do you like the present I gave you/You're going to hurt grandma's feelings" thing. The second was where she would give one of the kids a present (like a birthday gift) and then threaten to take it back if the kids did something during her visit that upset her (like not cooperating when she asked them to wash their hands).

Once I started to address it directly, the overt neediness DID stop. In addition to being good for the kids, it was incredibly empowering for me. I grew up believing I was truly resposibile for others' happiness.

That said, my directness with my mother has been a contributing factor in my mother and I not being as "close" as we once were. Basically, my mother prefers my older sister, who doesn't call her on stuff. I have come to accept this, and to understand that true closeness and emotional enmeshment are different things.

You will be doing your kids a huge favor if you confront your MIL's behavior.


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## MoonWillow (May 24, 2006)

Moved to Parenting


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

OP, I think you are doing the right thing already - limiting visits to a few hours once every 2-4 months. So you haven't completely cut her off, but your limiting visits will limit impact - tremendously. And when your kids get older, they will know the real deal - even if you say nothing to them. Because they will have a solid, loving base from you, day in and day out, they will know that this "you must love me" BS they get from MIL 4-6 times a year is completely phony.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

:


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## paphia (Jun 22, 2007)

In the past we have directly said to the kids' grandma, Auntie, etc:

Please don't try to force our children to kiss you/hug you/say I love you. You need to interact with them on their level and let them come to you. Why don't you sit and play with them and see what happens?

Lather, rinse and repeat until they get the message.


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## cspal0670 (Jul 2, 2009)

My mother started doing that when my DD was about 6 months old. She would pout when my BABY didn't want to go to her and say "you don't love grandma?" I stopped her immediately and told her not to guilt my child. ever.


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