# Friend Spanking her 2-Year-Old - so sad!



## Katrinawitch (Jan 8, 2004)

I was visiting with a friend from work the other day. She has three girls, 4, 2, and 5 months. The 4 and 2-year olds share a room, and she and her husband had just purchased a nice white bedroom set for the 4-year-old, Emily. Well, apparently the 2-year-old, Jessie, had gotten the newel-post from the footboard loose and off the bed, and proceeded to hammer the rest of the footboard with the nail that was sticking out, resulting in lots of little holes. Nothing that can't be fixed with some wood putty and paint, and her husband is extremely handy around the house.

When relating this story to me, she proudly said that when her husband found out, he spanked Jessie. Then she, even more proudly, told me that after he spanked her, she said to him, "I don't hear any crying", and then spanked her *again*!!! I was aghast! First of all, when she was relating the story about the nail sticking out of the newel post, I thought she was going to say that Jessie had cut herself on it, or maybe accidentally hurt one of her sisters. Secondly, the little girl is only two, for gosh sakes! I don't think she really knew that what she was doing was wrong, and the furniture was definitely repairable. Third, and the saddest of all, she was *proud* of the fact that she had spanked Jessie a second time.

Sometimes you have to just shake your head and walk away!


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Ugh, that makes my stomach turn.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

My question to your friend would be, "Why was she left unsupervised long enough to do all that?"


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## isosmom (Apr 23, 2004)

That irks me to no end. And makes me so sad.
Why people think it is ok to hit their babies, and then brag about it is beyond me.
Dh was at the beach with dc, and he met a woman with a dd about the same age as ours. They were talking about how it can be such a tough age. The woman's response, "Yeah, but we fixed that. We spank."
Dh didn't know what to say and as he was leaving he could hear the woman's little dd crying as the woman hit her because she wouldn't "come here".
Man, what did you say to your friend? Sounds like she needs some help!
I don't hear any crying. WTF!!!!!!


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## kellers1384 (Nov 8, 2004)

thats really disturbing. i don't understand why the little girl would be in trouble, i would think the parents would be yelling at themselves for leaving her alone so long unsupervised, or for not noticing that she could get ahold of a nail like that....sigh.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Ugh. Did you say anything to her about it?


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

That is terrible.The baby didn't cry so it made mom feel real big to spank again to make her cry.What a great mom. That poor baby.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

omg that makes me want to vomit. i hope you mean "ex-friend". i can't believe that woman. her 2 year old had something with a NAIL on it and the big deal was the furniture??? SHE needs to be spanked!


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## pugmommy7 (Jul 30, 2004)

great point melknee.
my mouth is hanging open.
poor babe


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:

Dh was at the beach with dc, and he met a woman with a dd about the same age as ours. They were talking about how it can be such a tough age. The woman's response, "Yeah, but we fixed that. We spank."
Honestly, I think people who spank are missing out on a lot of joy in the 2 year old stage. When I could just accept my 2 year old as they were it was truly a magical time--- their excitement, their perceptions, even the emotional roller coaster :LOL Well, that's what I tell myself to keep from pulling out my hair









I don't even know what to say regarding you "friend" though.


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

That is messed up. My dh and I are both....
















This makes me so sad....and I hug Willow a little tighter.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)




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## Milky Way (Sep 17, 2004)

I personally think you should just be happy with the way you raise your family and not worry about how other people raise theirs. As for saying something to her I'll repeat what I was told by members of this board after confronting a tough situation(the girl Kim down the street) basically I was told mind your own bussiness and leave their family alone so I'll have to go with that on this one to!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

screw that! these kids are getting abused! isn't it our duty as fellow humans to do something about it?


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## devmom (Nov 2, 2004)

That's sad. I'm new to GD, but I just knew that the things I was trying with my own 2yr old weren't working and didn't make me feel like a very good parent. Just the other day I left Connor in the tub while I went to dry his sister off. Silly me left the rinsing cup in there with him. I came back to find at least 1/3 of the bath water on the floor!! I was angry, and I told him that it's not okay to throw water all over the floor - but I didn't SPANK him for it! Good grief, who was the responsible adult that left the two year old with a big cup and tub of water?!! Once I got over my initial moment of shock I realized that there wasn't any harm done, some towels that already needed to be washed maybe helped to get the floor cleaner than when we started! I can't believe that someone actually said "I don't hear crying" and did it again! Even when I condoned spanking (which I don't anymore) that still isn't the point of doing it, just to hurt and cause tears. Terrible. Just terrible.


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## Katrinawitch (Jan 8, 2004)

I honestly didn't know what to say to her, so I just left it alone for now. Another friend of mine, Mary, was also there, and we just rolled our eyes at each other. Of course, we didn't waste time talking about it after we left. I don't know how to approach her about this. I'll have to think long and hard on it.

Of course, this woman, when we were talking about extended breast feeding, said she thought it bordered on child abuse! WTF???? I'm seriously re-thinking why and if I want to hang out with her any more.


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## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

bia...

so hitting is okay but nurturing is abuse! ugh!


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## carolsly (Oct 5, 2004)

I don't know..maybe give her a copy of a positive dicipline book...

It's harder to be creative than it is to just raise your hand and whop a bottom.

I was taking a leadership class and I was comparing leading adults in an office to leading children..I was right on! It's the same thing! Creativity...

It's a lost art. I have to admit I yell more than I should, but I haven't spanked in a long time. The kids hear 1 2 and..and all is well.

Age typical behavior is not punished in this house. We talk about it, and we talk about appropriate times for appropriate actions and behaviors.

Be a positive role model. Share your ideas...that's what I do.


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## alex-lynne (Oct 9, 2004)

yuckie, yuckie!
You know, though...some people think our lack of spanking is spoiling...for lack of a better way to put it..they don't get us..we don't get them..
I was sharing another way of approaching discipline in a group setting..when the angle was going very clearly.."what wrong with the world is that we don't hit our kids anymore, they don't know discipline and teachers can't get involve"..everyone looked at me when I spoke about reinforcing good behavior and redirecting undesirable behavior like I just walked off of a spaceship.
The mom who spoke next said..but you don't have our child..she doesn't mind!!..I didn't but should have pointed out that if she wasn't minding still (the young girl is 4)..maybe she should try another approach.
a-l


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Our forum guidelines:

Quote:

Quote:
Welcome to Gentle Discipline. This forum has a specific aim: to help parents learn and apply gentle discipline methods in raising their children.

Quote:
Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *graciesmama*
willowsmom--I REALLY like your response to Damabonita's post. Much better than my initial response which was a combo of, "Why in the world are you on mothering at all?!?!?" and "Are you serious?!?!"
So my new and improved response is, "I totally agree with willowsmom."








That was a silly thing to write on a gentle discipline post.


Thank you







That was my initial reaction too...like..."What the Huh?"









Sometimes I just don't understand people







...lol know what I mean?

At any rate, Thank you kindly


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

Right on Pamelamama! Thanks for posting the guidelines.


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## DamaBonita (Nov 14, 2004)

Other than pamelamommas response, I don't appreciate the personal strikes against me and my motives for coming to this site. I have every right to own my opinion on corporal punishment and I don't believe in judging others who do spank or don't spank their children.

The moderators can choose to run their site as they please, since I am not the one paying for it. But when it gets defensive and personal comments are made about my character, then I get annoyed.

I refuse to roll in the dirt with any of you. Good night


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

You know, if I went into a room and found a NAIL sticking out where my toddler was playing, I'd just be thankful that she wasn't permanently injured. Who cares about the #$%@ bed?!


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Please don't take this post as rudeness. What kind of a friend gossips behind their friend's back and airs their dirty laundry for the world to see and gawk at? I beleive that if you have a problem with someone you know or disagree with something they do or have done, you should go the them privately and confront them rather than whispering behind their back. How would your freind feel if they knew you posted this here?


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## devmom (Nov 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
Please don't take this post as rudeness. What kind of a friend gossips behind their friend's back and airs their dirty laundry for the world to see and gawk at? I beleive that if you have a problem with someone you know or disagree with something they do or have done, you should go the them privately and confront them rather than whispering behind their back. How would your freind feel if they knew you posted this here?

I don't think it's "gossipy" to go to a place where people share the same ideas and views as you do on a particular subject and ask for advice on how to do the very thing you suggested - she said originally that she wanted tips on how to talk to her friend about what happened I believe. <-- Sorry, it's not till her second post that she explains that she didn't know what to say to her friend and that she'd have to think hard about it. I had to recheck that.

It's not like she went to her friends neighbor and said, "Do you KNOW what she did?!!" I believe there's a bit of a difference between gossiping and asking for heartfelt advice. Have you never shared a personal matter for input or advice?


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Heldt123--I think this is the perfect place for her to do that. She did not give any names. She did not post her phone number for all of us to call her friend and share our outrage. She heard something that was very disturbing to her and wanted to share those feelings in a place where she knew that she was safe in giving her opinion. As I am sure you know, confronting people about their parenting is really hard because it is such a personal issue. Unsolicited advice can easily ruin friendships. Sometimes it is better to vent to an empathetic audience and move on.

I think Katrina wanted people to share her hurt, her outrage and her sympathy for the child. What better place than here, where she knows her feelings will be honored and understood?


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

If you notice, Katrina had a later post that said that she and her other friend talked about it after they left. In my opinion, that is gossip.

And I do not try to solve other people's problems by gossiping with other people. This forum should be for people to talk about problems that they are having, not for condeming others for their parenting methods, and making it a public spectical. I may or may not agree with her opinion, but I would be outraged if I found friends of mine talked like that behind my back.

I think that it would be better to have no freindship with someone at all, than to have that person hiding resentment and unexpressed feelings and live with a "fake friendship lie." Personally, I would rather know the truth behind my freind's action's rather than have people talking behind my back and not know the reason for them avoiding me. And if I was doing something stupid or unreasonable to my children I would hope that someone would kindly tell me.


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## DamaBonita (Nov 14, 2004)

You know, if this site is truly anti-spanking, there should not be ANY topic allowed that's related to it. Whether or not the poster agrees with it. I think it's fascist to delete someone's post just because they agree with corporal punishment, but considered perfectly ok to leave someone's topic up who berates people that choose to spank.

If this is really a Gentle Discipline board, then nothing except gentle discipline should be discussed by it's members


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

That's sad! I remember being spanked as a child and the same thing was there...that whole mentality of, "You're not crying, I'll spank harder". Children don't undertsnad that adult rage is simply anger to the adult. Your child should not be terrified that they are going to be spanked (which based on my experience I think happens to the majority).

We were in the store the other day and I found this ridiculous set of tapes and books about parenting that was done way back when and I jokingly asked Beto if we need it. Beto replies, "Not one that was made in the fifties." and we laugh it off. This stranger who was wlaking down the same aisle said, "Sure was a better time. You could spank your child and not be called in for child abuse. That was the good times."

My mouth dropped to the floor and I looked at Beto with a look of shock in my face, don't these people remember what is was like to be spanked? Why do they think it's ok!?

In regards to your friend, I would probably laugh my ass off at her after the brest feeding moment and tell her she should read some books or get out more often. Let her know there are other ways to go about things. I'd have a hrad time keeping my mouth shut and hang out with her. Hope you figure it out!


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## carolsly (Oct 5, 2004)

ooooo. Okay, we agree to disagree about the spanking issue. The original post was about pp and her "friend". She was asking us how to deal with it. Obviously she didn't want information about spanking. The great spanking debate should be left to another board! On to the next topic!


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Closing this thread for administrative review. I am not convinced there's anything more to discuss. To reiterate, we won't host debates about the merits of spanking. Discussion regarding alternatives to spanking, or efforts to reach out to prmote change are welcome.

Reach me for questions via PM.


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## christmanr64 (6 mo ago)

Katrinawitch said:


> I was visiting with a friend from work the other day. She has three girls, 4, 2, and 5 months. The 4 and 2-year olds share a room, and she and her husband had just purchased a nice white bedroom set for the 4-year-old, Emily. Well, apparently the 2-year-old, Jessie, had gotten the newel-post from the footboard loose and off the bed, and proceeded to hammer the rest of the footboard with the nail that was sticking out, resulting in lots of little holes. Nothing that can't be fixed with some wood putty and paint, and her husband is extremely handy around the house. When relating this story to me, she proudly said that when her husband found out, he spanked Jessie. Then she, even more proudly, told me that after he spanked her, she said to him, "I don't hear any crying", and then spanked her *again*!!! I was aghast! First of all, when she was relating the story about the nail sticking out of the newel post, I thought she was going to say that Jessie had cut herself on it, or maybe accidentally hurt one of her sisters. Secondly, the little girl is only two, for gosh sakes! I don't think she really knew that what she was doing was wrong, and the furniture was definitely repairable. Third, and the saddest of all, she was *proud* of the fact that she had spanked Jessie a second time. Sometimes you have to just shake your head and walk away!


 I say call Child service and remove the kids that's what needs to happen to all parents who spank their kids


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