# weird experience today.



## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Okay so today we were at the local public play center.

My daughter and another girl were both playing with a large dollhouse. The girl started grabbing things from my daughter and pushing her. She told my daughter that she wanted to play with the ENTIRE dollhouse herself.

She got upset when my daughter didn't leave.

She yelled to her mom. And her mom said "what do you say when you want to play with something all by yourself."

So the girl said "Please I want to play with this by myself"

And my daughter didn't leave.

So the girl started to get upset and told her mom again. And her mom said" What do we say when children don't listen to us?"

The girl,tearing up said. "We tell an adult"

The mom...looked at me, I think fully expecting me to tell my daughter that she could not play at the dollhouse center.

Instead I held my ground. OUR RULE IS that the play center is for all the children and all the toys are for everyone and the my children must share and take turns. No pushing or grabbing toys.

So the little girl (5 years old), started bawling her eyes out on her moms lap.

My question is....how could I have or should I have dealt with this? I mean, it would you tell your child that because another child didn't have to share that they had to give up a toy that they were playing nicely with? Would you have said somthing to the mom?


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I feel really sad for that other little girl.







Obviously, she was just playing out the script that her mom had taught her.

Honestly, I would have taken my kid aside (I'm assuming your little girl is around 5 as well?) and explained to her that this other little girl was having a rough time and wanted to play alone, and would she be willing to show love and let her have a wish. And then I would have explained to the other little girl that my daughter wanted a turn with it as well, and could she please let us know when she was finished.

But yeah, it sounds like a really awkward set-up by the other mother.


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## Apple Girl (Nov 2, 2007)

Wow. Who died and made that mom Queen of the World?

What a horrible experience. You were right for standing your ground. Your daughter needs to see that the sharing rules apply to everyone. That girl (the other lady's daughter) needs to see that she lives in a society full of lots of other people, with just as much right to its limited resources (in this case, the fun doll house) as she has.

Sometimes I wonder what planet other people are from.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I would have done the same. If it had been a ball or some other 'one person' toy it would be different and I would encourage them to take turns but IMO a large toy in a public place isn't something you can expect to claim as your territory and push other kids away from. I wouldn't allow my child to do it, at any rate.








If you were talking about toddlers I might even try to get my child to do something else for awhile when tears broke out but at 5 y.o.? Not so much.


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## Girlo (Oct 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I feel really sad for that other little girl.







Obviously, she was just playing out the script that her mom had taught her.

Honestly, I would have taken my kid aside (I'm assuming your little girl is around 5 as well?) and explained to her that this other little girl was having a rough time and wanted to play alone, and would she be willing to show love and let her have a wish. And then I would have explained to the other little girl that my daughter wanted a turn with it as well, and could she please let us know when she was finished.

But yeah, it sounds like a really awkward set-up by the other mother.

This.....except I would have talked to my child loud enough for the other mother to hear that I was explaining that the other child was having a hard time sharing the community toys.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Girlo* 
This.....except I would have talked to my child loud enough for the other mother to hear that I was explaining that the other child was having a hard time sharing the community toys.









I get the urge to that, but I just really have compassion for this other child, who was only doing what she'd been taught. From the OP's description, I get the feeling she was really struggling with this. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to make her uncomfortable or teach her a lesson.


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## Multimomma (Jan 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
The mom...looked at me, I think fully expecting me to tell my daughter that she could not play at the dollhouse center.

Instead I held my ground. OUR RULE IS that the play center is for all the children and all the toys are for everyone and the my children must share and take turns. No pushing or grabbing toys.

So the little girl (5 years old), started bawling her eyes out on her moms lap.

My question is....how could I have or should I have dealt with this? I mean, it would you tell your child that because another child didn't have to share that they had to give up a toy that they were playing nicely with? Would you have said somthing to the mom?

I would have said something to the little girl, loud enough for mom, like "I'm sorry, these toys are for everyone to share, and right now she wants to play as well." Community toys are for everyone, and it's not okay to say that you don't want to share them...at that point HER mom should have been over there saying the same thing, directing her to another toy, or even bringing her at a less busy time, instead of expecting everyone else on the planet to bow down to HER wishes. That's just odd.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

It sounds like you and your DD had a close encounter with Veruca Salt, LOL. I am sorry to say that I probably would have just tried to distract DS into playing with another toy. I avoid conflict and that kind of awkwardness to a fault though. And my son is really easygoing about stuff. This thread has made me wonder what I'm really teaching him though when I back off so easily instead of being assertive.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

It was very ackward for me. I had no idea what to do. The way the mom was talking seemed as though she wanted me to step in and tell dd to leave that area.

If I told dd that she had to leave because that girl wanted to play alone.....well....the next we went my daughter would have a meltdown saying that she wanted another kid to leave because she wanted to play alone. I don't want to deal with that.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

That is so strange.

I probably would have just reassured my child that it was ok for her to play with a community toy and ignored the skit the girl and her mom were playing.

I mean really, if I were at the park and the little girl wanted all the swings or the slide, I wouldn't make my child stop playing.
















I would not participate in over indulgence.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 

So the girl said "Please I want to play with this by myself"

And my daughter didn't leave.

Just playing devil's advocate here I guess... but, when you saw that the little girl wasn't up for sharing, and she stated her need (scripted or not) to play by herself, why did you continue to encourage your daughter to try to "share" the dollhouse?

I suppose since it was a public play area, both your daughter & the other girl had "rights" to the dollhouse... but were it me, I'd have explained to your daughter that the other little girl wasn't currently feeling like sharing (as she said both in word & deed), then peacefully encouraged your daughter to move on to something else. She really didn't want to share, why force the issue? I wouldn't want to encourage any hostility - either in the girls or between you & the mother.

I don't ever see the benefit of forcing children to share. In our house, if either of my children are really not up for sharing, that's their right. I remind them to state their wishes clearly (as opposed to snatching or blocking), and if the other sibling still really wants to play with what they are playing with, I encourage them to offer a trade, OR, to go play with the toy in another place, in order not to be "teasing" the other child by playing with something they can't have. They realize that not sharing usually isn't fun (because they end up having to play alone or play with something they didn't really want to).

But stepping in as a parent, insisting that the children share, doesn't help either child problem solve. And _certainly_ making snide comments either to the mother, or to your child about the other child/mother serves no positive purpose whatsoever, and really contradicts the whole idea of sharing (which is cooperation, working together, etc.)... I'm really surprised to hear mothers suggest that.


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## anywaybecause (Jul 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Multimomma* 
I would have said something to the little girl, loud enough for mom, like "I'm sorry, these toys are for everyone to share, and right now she wants to play as well." Community toys are for everyone, and it's not okay to say that you don't want to share them...at that point HER mom should have been over there saying the same thing, directing her to another toy, or even bringing her at a less busy time, instead of expecting everyone else on the planet to bow down to HER wishes. That's just odd.









:

Although it's not the little girl's fault that her mom hasn't taught her how to behave fairly with community property, and I'd have a hard time being loud and obnoxious about it b/c it would hurt her feelings, she does need to know. The mom does, too, because it sounds like she's probably not giving her daughter necessary tools.

Now if, after a comment like Multimomma's, if there is more ill behavior on the part of the little girl and/or her clueless mommy, I would probably guide my daughter away from the dollhouse, with a loud "why don't we play over here in the play kitchen? {insert protests about fairness from my child} . . . *You're right,* it's not fair, but for some reason the girl's mommy thinks it's okay to not help her daughter learn to cooperate (or play fair, or whatever). Why don't we just try to avoid them?"

Also, if this was at one of those indoor playgrounds where you have to pay to get in, I would have complained to the management. Perhaps they would have stepped in and spoken to the mother, explaining that toys must be shared.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

A few weeks ago we had a similar encounter in a book store. The other girl kept taking things from my daughter and putting them back saying, "NOT FOR YOU." I gave the dad three chances to step in, then I'd had enough. I got down on my knees, took the toy back from her and gave it to my daughter and said, "Yes, she can have this, these are for everyone to look at. Can I help you reach something else or would you like me to find you one of the same?" Dad didn't like it but oh well. The girls played, if not exaclty together then peacefully along side each other.

It makes me sad that the daughter in the OP's post was set up by her mother to be so disappointed, but I would not be helping her OR my daughter in any way if we caved. And I do not want to teach my daughter to just cave when someone else is being demanding. I'm happy to model working together or finding solutions and if the other child in my situation and I want my daughter to stand up for herself (something I didn't learn till adulthood).


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

It is really interesting how we all focus on different aspects of this. I would have seen it more as an opportunity to teach my own child about compassion than an opportunity to teach someone else's child about sharing.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Okay....

Why didn't I get dd distracted or move to another toy?

Because I didn't tell her or force her to share...she was playing nicely and trying to make a friend.

She has Sensory Processing Disorder and if I would have pulled her away from that area....pretty good chance of a huge meltdown......just to allow another child to monopolize an area.....not gonna happen


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

annettemarie_

I understand your point but because my daughter has SPD, I was happy that she was playing nicely, sharing and offering the girls toys. She didn't even get upset when the girl grabbed toys out of her hand. Yelled at her, and started crying.

So....I was happy that dd handled a bad situation so well.

I think that sharing, being kind and nice to others is very important too!


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

It sounds like your little girl is wonderful, and was trying her best to make a friend. I am really sorry it ended up being unpleasant.

What ultimately ended up happen? Did the two girls end up sharing the dollhouse? Did you have to explain it to your daughter later?


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Well, the other girl cried on her moms lap. My daughter found another smaller house and asked me to take it down. She hoped the girl would come back and play if there were two houses....nope. She wanted it to herself. So, a little boy came over dd played with him at the dollhouse. And the other girl left. Then the boy got trucks and played trucks around the house while dd played......


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I would have seen it more as an opportunity to teach my own child about compassion than an opportunity to teach someone else's child about sharing.









:

This is what I was trying to say as well. You said it quite succinctly, thanks.


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

I probably would have addressed the mother and not the daughter..after it became clear in her skit she was actually expecting my dd to leave the public play area so her dd could have it all to herself, she woudl have gotten the openmouthed "are you serious?" look...if that didn't get her changing her tune, I probably would have said something like "Are you actually telling you daughter to to ask my child to leave the play area?"
all while being very sweet and acting just completely confounded/bewildered. ( not that it would take much acting)
hopefully, that would shame her into feeling some..uh..shame?
If at any point she got rude, trust me, i can dish it, and "who made you queen of the world?" almost certainly would have been included in my tirade.


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

Hmm, well I've spent a good bit of time teaching DS that in public places (parks, etc), the toys/equipment are for everyone. And that if he isn't able to accept that then we have to leave. I've repeatedly stopped him from trying to exclude other kids from climbing equipment in parks. (He claims that he and his friend are in their clubhouse or whatever--I'm not buying it. Your pretend game doesn't give you the right to exclude others from community property.)

So, it would have been pretty hypocritical of me to tell him that he couldn't play with the dollhouse in those circumstances.

And, while I agree that compassion is a very important lesson in life, so is standing your ground. And, ironically, DS also has trouble with that. I've seen him drop a toy at an indoor play event just because another child walked up to him and looked at the toy. He just couldn't figure out how to manage the potential conflict.

So, I proably would not have tried to get DS to leave the dollhouse. I most likely would have said to the other child something like, "this is a public play area. Everyone is allowed to play with all the toys. DS would be happy to share with you." I probably would have sat down with them and tried to facilitate play. If the other child ran to her mom and cried, I might have said something like, "I'm sorry she's so upset. We're happy to share the toy."

Catherine


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
She really didn't want to share, why force the issue?

I guess it depends on how you view a dollhouse -- it's of a size that could be interpreted as appropriate for use by individuals or pairs/small groups, I suppose. I view a dollhouse as being large enough for multiple kids to play with at once, kind of like a train table. And I can't imagine insisting that my DS leave a train table alone because another boy wanted it all to himself.

But maybe some other people see it more on par with something like a puzzle or shape sorter, where to insist on concurrent use would be rude and a more appropriate thing to do would be to ask for a turn once the other child was finished.


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I guess it depends on how you view a dollhouse -- it's of a size that could be interpreted as appropriate for use by individuals or pairs/small groups, I suppose. I view a dollhouse as being large enough for multiple kids to play with at once, kind of like a train table. And I can't imagine insisting that my DS leave a train table alone because another boy wanted it all to himself.

But maybe some other people see it more on par with something like a puzzle or shape sorter, where to insist on concurrent use would be rude and a more appropriate thing to do would be to ask for a turn once the other child was finished.

I would think of it as more of an individual toy,depending on the size. I would want my child to share if it was large enough, but if another child had it first and didn't want to share, I'd find something else for my daughter to do.


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## amma_mama (May 20, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99* 
I probably would have addressed the mother and not the daughter..after it became clear in her skit she was actually expecting my dd to leave the public play area so her dd could have it all to herself, she woudl have gotten the openmouthed "are you serious?" look...if that didn't get her changing her tune, I probably would have said something like "Are you actually telling you daughter to to ask my child to leave the play area?"
all while being very sweet and acting just completely confounded/bewildered. ( not that it would take much acting)
hopefully, that would shame her into feeling some..uh..shame?
If at any point she got rude, trust me, i can dish it, and "who made you queen of the world?" almost certainly would have been included in my tirade.

I agree, my problem would not be with the other child, as she is only modelling the behavior she has been taught, but with the other mother who was clearly pushing her daughter to be rude and selfish. Scary mom. That girl is going to have a very rude awakening in the not too far off future.

While the immediate PPs brought up an important point (that some toys are not "sized" for sharing, I would expect (obviously wrongly) that other parents teach their children about taking turns with toys. While a "fair" amount of time with a given toy is arbitrary, we make an effort to teach DD that it is fun to share. She has lots of time at home to play by herself but when others are around, she needs to be considerate. That does not mean giving up her toy at a drop of a hat, but I do encourage her to move on to something new if another child has been patiently waiting their turn.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99* 
I probably would have addressed the mother and not the daughter..after it became clear in her skit she was actually expecting my dd to leave the public play area so her dd could have it all to herself, she woudl have gotten the openmouthed "are you serious?" look...if that didn't get her changing her tune, I probably would have said something like "Are you actually telling you daughter to to ask my child to leave the play area?"









:


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

Usually, if it's a "one-person" toy or can be, our rule is the first person who has it may choose to play with it. Someone else must wait until the first is finished. But I will sometimes encourage dd to let the other child use it, especially if that child is having trouble coping.

A whole area is another problem though; the kitchen area at playgroup or play structures are really for everyone, as long as they can play together.

I don't know where a dollhouse would fall, I guess it would depend on the set-up and who was there first.


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## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

Yeah, I do feel bad for the little girl









But I would have stood my ground, too.

First, your daughter was sharing and playing nicely. She was doing the right thing and, therefore, in my opinion, had the right to carry on.

Second, while I do think I would have asked my dd if there was something else she wanted to play with (to avoid the awkwardness with the other little girl), if she said no, I would have respected that. I don't want her to learn to be a doormat. I know that sounds harsh, but I DO want dd to learn to stick up for herself when she is in the right (which I think your dd was). I don't want her to think that she can be bullied (again, this sounds harsh, but the other little girl was essentially bullying her by pushing and trying to take away the toys--which I do not blame her for, it is obvious where that has come from).

Again, I am sorry that the little girl has been taught this by her parents, but I also need to teach my dd some things: 1. Sharing toys and turn taking is the way to play in a public play area--the toys belong to everyone and are not her personal possessions to monopolize or demand. If it is an "individual" toy, then you must give another child a turn after you have played for a few minutes and if it is a "group style" toy, then you must allow others to play with you or you should not play at all 2. You have the same rights as everyone else and because someone isn't acting fairly doesn't make you wrong.

Just my 2 cents.


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EVC* 
Yeah, I do feel bad for the little girl









But I would have stood my ground, too.

First, your daughter was sharing and playing nicely. She was doing the right thing and, therefore, in my opinion, had the right to carry on.

Second, while I do think I would have asked my dd if there was something else she wanted to play with (to avoid the awkwardness with the other little girl), if she said no, I would have respected that. I don't want her to learn to be a doormat. I know that sounds harsh, but I DO want dd to learn to stick up for herself when she is in the right (which I think your dd was). I don't want her to think that she can be bullied (again, this sounds harsh, but the other little girl was essentially bullying her by pushing and trying to take away the toys--which I do not blame her for, it is obvious where that has come from).

Again, I am sorry that the little girl has been taught this by her parents, but I also need to teach my dd some things: 1. Sharing toys and turn taking is the way to play in a public play area--the toys belong to everyone and are not her personal possessions to monopolize or demand. If it is an "individual" toy, then you must give another child a turn after you have played for a few minutes and if it is a "group style" toy, then you must allow others to play with you or you should not play at all 2. You have the same rights as everyone else and because someone isn't acting fairly doesn't make you wrong.

Absolutely! And in my home, "not feeling like sharing" is not an option. End of.


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## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

These types of situations have happened a number of times to my now 21 mo daughter. Obviously, I think the age of the child matters how you deal with a sharing situation. But, in all of the situations we experienced a much older child was telling my daughter to leave or physically making it difficult for her to play. I was very frustrated that their parents were never around to "help" their child play more cooperatively. And I don't think that "nicely" stating your wishes automatically gets you what you want. I would have been really annoyed at this "skit" as some have called it and certainly would have interjected my own comments. In public places, sharing is really not an option. I think if a child is only in the mood to play "alone" than they should be the one taken to a more solitary area (like home, maybe).


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## hedgewitch (Jan 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
It is really interesting how we all focus on different aspects of this. I would have seen it more as an opportunity to teach my own child about compassion than an opportunity to teach someone else's child about sharing.

Could that 'lesson' also be internally interpreted as "Other peoples needs always come first especially if they are rude or demanding". My sense of fairness would say that in this situation the mother was being really weird and rude and that it isn't my child's job to play into that and validate selfish behaviour in others.

Community toys are for sharing, if you aren't prepared to share then play at home where it is valid to say "That's mine". When they are 'owned' by everyone then we have to learn to be accommodating. Understanding social norms and embracing alternate rules is just as important as letting people remain in their comfort zone. I would not want to show my ds that being rude and demanding are rewarded by acquiescence.

I encourage my ds to be compassionate (and he displays this in ways that are so spontaneous and surprising) but I would not encourage him to sacrifice his needs/desires in an unfair situation to avoid a confrontation. I suppose I just can't stand unfairness!


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## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:

In public places, sharing is really not an option. I think if a child is only in the mood to play "alone" than they should be the one taken to a more solitary area (like home, maybe).










Quote:

Could that 'lesson' also be internally interpreted as "Other peoples needs always come first especially if they are rude or demanding".
That would be my concern as well.

Quote:

I encourage my ds to be compassionate (and he displays this in ways that are so spontaneous and surprising) but I would not encourage him to sacrifice his needs/desires in an unfair situation to avoid a confrontation.
Exactly. This is not the message I want to send to my child.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Could that 'lesson' also be internally interpreted as "Other peoples needs always come first especially if they are rude or demanding". My sense of fairness would say that in this situation the mother was being really weird and rude and that it isn't my child's job to play into that and validate selfish behaviour in others.

I'm not sure. I can definitely see where that would be a concern. My own moral code/belief system is probably coming into play here as well, and we're big believers in the Golden Rule, even if other people aren't playing by it. We teach our kids very early on the important of loving and serving one another even when (maybe even especially when) the other person doesn't seem to deserve it. But again, that stems from our personal beliefs and faith, and I certainly don't expect everyone to be starting from the same place we are,

I would definitely take the time to talk it over once we were removed from the situation and explain that the behavior the other little girl was displaying wasn't OK.

I personally would not ascribe motives of selfishness and rudeness to this child. She is clearly (to me at least) only playing out what her parents taught her. I think she's as much a victim in all this as the OP's daughter.


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## catters (Nov 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
Okay....

Why didn't I get dd distracted or move to another toy?

Because I didn't tell her or force her to share...she was playing nicely and trying to make a friend.

She has Sensory Processing Disorder and if I would have pulled her away from that area....pretty good chance of a huge meltdown......just to allow another child to monopolize an area.....not gonna happen









I feel like you did the right thing. It does not sound like you were defiantly forcing your daughter to play in that area. Even at my son's rather tender age of 1.5, I don't jump in and "rescue" him when another child takes something from him, or he wants to play with something in a public area, like the Children's Museum, or public play areas, and some child gets upset because he's "in the same play area" or something. (obviously if he is excessively grabby and or going to hit - which he so far has not, but he is still a baby). And I see parents do this ALL THE TIME. It makes me crazy. Children need to learn that people are different and have different reactions, have different personalities, etc, and that the world has conflict. Whisking your 5yo DD away to encourage her to play elsewhere would only show her that other people (children, too) can control her and dictate what she can and cannot do. If your daughter was being pushy and grabby, that's one thing, but since she was not, it was up to the other girls' mother to realize that her child's actions were not in the right. It's unfortunate that she did not do this. Like many have said, you are not obligated to parent someone else's child and I would think that the take home lesson your DD learned here was that SHE is every bit as valuable as that other little girl and her desires are just as respected as someone else's.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

What would matter to me was WHO had it first? If the other girl was at the dollhouse first then I would have taken my child & found something else for her to do. Yes I understand she has SPD, so does my dd except my dd would have been the one who insisted on playing by herself becuase she got overstimulated around others especially if they're in her personal space.

Since there was a 2nd dollhouse I don't see what the big deal would have been had you gotten that one done prior to it getting to the point it did.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Was OP's child joining into play with other child or were they both starting off at the same time? I wouldn't have a problem calling my dd over to try a different toy if she was attempting to join in after the fact- a dollhouse can be a personal item. If they both began playing at the same time I don't consider it a favor to either child to give in to the demands of one.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

I would take my kids aside and remind them that sharing is really difficult for some children, that not all kids like to play with boys and girls they don't know, and unfortunately, some kids don't know how to say that in a nice way. If the other child is noticeably younger, I'll also remind them that sharing is something kids generally get better at when they grow a little bigger... usually after watching bigger boys and girls show them how sharing works.

I'd probably point out that it isn't very fun to play with somebody who is snatching toys, and suggest they do something else for awhile. Our girls are more than capable of calling another child on poor behaviour, requesting better treatment, or making their needs known... but I also want them to know there is a point where they need to cut their loses and walk away. It's important to me that our girls learn how to choose good friends and good playmates.

Personally, I wouldn't want to get into a pissing match over a dollhouse with this pair. I doubt it would set any kind of good example for my kids. The mom and daughter don't sound like either of them would be receptive to changing their ways.

The fair thing is certainly that your DD be able to continue playing with dollhouse, but it just doesn't seem very nice to have one little girl playing, while the other child, the one who lacks some social skills through no fault of her own, sobs in her mother's lap. Sure, you'd expect the mom and the other kid to have a clue about how community play spaces work, but I really wouldn't feel good about playing while another kid cries. Even if you're right and they're wrong, is that fun?


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

My almost 3 year old is terrible with sharing, and though it is a lesson we work on daily, it isn't sinking in. She just uses new justifications to not share. For example, she'll take a toy from her baby brother (almost a year old), saying, "You can't have this, Baby. It's dangerous. Not good for baby." To HER, she has now stated a perfectly reasonable justification for taking a toy away and not sharing it with him. She hears us say things like this to her when she gets something dangerous, delicate or inappropriate.

Sometimes she remembers to trade him for another toy. That works great with him, because he doesn't have much of an attachment to a particular toy. But for older kids, obviously taking one toy away while making an excuse and trading it for another toy is not going to work. That doesn't stop her, however. And no matter how many times we interject and remind her to share, usually we end up having to carry her away screaming.

So while I think the other mom here handled the situation poorly, and I don't understand why she expected you to take your child away from a community toy that I think the two girls should have been at least attempting to share, I can also understand having a child who is very bad at sharing, struggling to learn the lesson and ending up with nothing but confusion, tears, frustration, and disappointment every time.

I also think that sometimes children work these disputes out best directly between each other, particularly if they're of a similar age. However, parental interruption and "fixing" of every toddler/young child dispute is pretty much expected, so that's what we do too.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
Could that 'lesson' also be internally interpreted as "Other peoples needs always come first especially if they are rude or demanding".

This is exactly what I was thinking. My parents stressed "considerateness" so much when I was a kid; I grew up putting myself on the back burner and always feeling guilty to want or need anything. Didn't learn to stand up for myself until I was nearly 30.

I'm all for teaching kids compassion, but I've tried very hard to make it an _option_ for them, and not a demand. I won't ever tell them to lie down and be a doormat for someone else's temper tantrum.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hedgewitch* 
I encourage my ds to be compassionate (and he displays this in ways that are so spontaneous and surprising) but I would not encourage him to sacrifice his needs/desires in an unfair situation to avoid a confrontation. I suppose I just can't stand unfairness!

For me, being confrontational simply to show you're "right" in the situation is not a good message to send. I strive for peacefullness in our interactions, and teaching good behavior by example. Calling someone out (either directly by confronting the mother, or indirectly by loudly talking to my daughter within earshot of the mother/child about the inappropriateness of the behavior) for their rudeness or unfairness or weirdness only serves in demonstrating rudeness. How does it rectify the unfairness? Certainly a conversation with the "wronged" party, in private, without nasty looks towards the "offending" party would be apppropriate, but I really don't think doing so at the time, in order to prove that something isn't fair, is the right course of action & it isn't the way I'd handle the situation. Gentle words towards the little girl, perhaps could serve the purpose. But if that is fruitless, then to continue to push the point isn't worthwhile.

Honestly, I think the whole example really borders on "small stuff". And I never sweat the small stuff. Life's just too short to carry on about "injustices" like this. Not everything in life in fair, but not all unfairness needs to be fought.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I'm not sure. I can definitely see where that would be a concern. My own moral code/belief system is probably coming into play here as well, and we're big believers in the Golden Rule, even if other people aren't playing by it. We teach our kids very early on the important of loving and serving one another even when (maybe even especially when) the other person doesn't seem to deserve it. But again, that stems from our personal beliefs and faith, and I certainly don't expect everyone to be starting from the same place we are,

I would definitely take the time to talk it over once we were removed from the situation and explain that the behavior the other little girl was displaying wasn't OK.

I personally would not ascribe motives of selfishness and rudeness to this child. She is clearly (to me at least) only playing out what her parents taught her. I think she's as much a victim in all this as the OP's daughter.


I agree with this.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slylives* 
Absolutely! And in my home, "not feeling like sharing" is not an option. End of.

Really, in your own home with your child's own things? Don't they have anything that they can consider "theirs"?

What if your child wanted to play with your jewelry or wallet or your toddler wanted to play with your scrapbooking supplies? I often don't feel like sharing my personal things with my children, and I believe my children should have the same option.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

I don't think there was any clear right and wrong here. I can see both sides of the story.

If my DD was playing with a doll house in a play center and another child joined the play she might have a hard time with it (especially if it was near lunch time). I would encourage her to use words rather than grabbing or pushing to let the other child know that she does not want to play. Then I would step in and let her know that she was in a public place and if she didn't want to play with anyone else she needed to finish up so others that were waiting could take a turn. DD needs help with transitions so forcing her to share or ending the play immediately would end in a melt down.

If my DD was the one playing with another child and that child started having a hard time sharing I would have suggested that she move to another doll house or activity. A simple. "I think the other child needs a little space." resonates with her since she is often one that needs a little space.

I like to keep in mind that these are little kids learning to navigate in the world. Not everybody has the same tolerances for stimulation or mastery of social skills. When hanging out in a public play space getting along with the individuals present at the time trumps any universal sense of fairness. I agree that there are rules that everyone should respect, like no hitting, but the rules for sharing are a lot more flexible and need to be molded to the personalities and abilities of those playing together.

Now if that child had joined in my DD's play already in progress and started getting upset it would have annoyed me to be expected to remove my DD from the situation. That seems a little pushy and disrespectful of my DD's right to be there. (I said I can see both sides.







)

To me it really is a difficult thing to be judgmental about. It all depends so much on the context. I am learning to be more tolerant of other's parenting since you never know just what they are working with.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

It sounds like you handled it well.

I would not have expected my child to cater to the other mother and child's unreasonable expectations.

If the dollhouse was in her home, she'd be able to set the rules. A dollhouse in a public play area is for everyone to play with regardless of who was there first.

A single doll would have to be taken turns with, but not a dollhouse.

Enabling bad behaviors in others doesn't seem compassionate to me.


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## anywaybecause (Jul 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slylives* 
Absolutely! And in my home, "not feeling like sharing" is not an option. End of.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
Really, in your own home with your child's own things? Don't they have anything that they can consider "theirs"?

What if your child wanted to play with your jewelry or wallet or your toddler wanted to play with your scrapbooking supplies? I often don't feel like sharing my personal things with my children, and I believe my children should have the same option.

I have to agree w/ Ks Mama -- my kids both have many things that are their own personal possessions, and they each decide how they want to handle those possessions. Ever since they were old enough to express interest in how they wanted to dress, what they wanted to play with, etc., I have guided them in asking permission when necessary. For example, if Emma wants to wear Penny's pink bunny shirt . . . she asks Penny. Penny has the option of saying No. Most of the time, they grant permission. Sometimes, though, they choose not to, and they have learned that I will stand behind them and protect that decision -- which is not to say that I don't console the girl who can't borrow what she wants to borrow. I definitely do, and they know they can count on me to not stomp on *anyone's* feelings.

Now, in the arena of playdates, the girls both know that if they have any toys that they don't want to share, we need to think about that before the playdate (which I help them remember to do), and we put those toys in Mom & Dad's room and lock the door so there is no chance of these toys becoming an issue during the playdate. Growing up, I had plenty of toys that my mom would suggest get locked away before friends came over -- usually, it was because the friend had a track record of breaking things or had proven to be somehow untrustworthy or disrespectful of personal possessions. So my mom would help us protect the possessions she knew we liked the most.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

sounds like the mom is trying, but missing the mark imo. In that situation if it were my child I would have said "this toy is for everyone to play with. or we can take turns." and if its in my house and it's their toys I tell them, "next time we will keep this toy away when we have company, but anything we have out we will share" sometimes (when its the kids own toys) they have toys that are special to them that they dont want to share - I think that is okay as long as they put it away before company arrives and are willing to share other things.

I dont know what I would have done in your situation. Probably coached my daughter.

"that girl wants to play with that toy all by herself. if you want to play with it too, let her know you think you two should share or take turns.."
then the other girl says she doesn't want to share I would say to my child
"it doesn't feel nice when people don't share. we can be gracious though and find someone friendly to play with. we'll come back to the playhouse when this little girl is done. Sometimes people are mean to us, but we can still be kind."

but truthfully, I'm stuck because I wouldnt want to teach my child to "give in" but I would want to take the chance to teach my child that they can still be a good person even when the other person is not being a good person.

I would then let my child hear me talk to the mom.

"I don't agree with the way you handled that situation. I don't think your daughter would like if someone did that to her. I think we can all work on the golden rule here"


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I don't think what you did was wrong. The other mom was wrong. There is a time and place for shareing, community play areas are one. If the child cannot share then they need to leave. I might make an exception of model ways to "Join in". But the other parent was wrong.

I am not a fan of "forced" sharing. But there are times and places if you want to stay you have to share. When we have guest or are a guest we share. If my child has something they don't want to share the rule it goes up before the guest comes over. If we have guest and they can't share then they have to go play alone in my room (If the visit has gone long I will send my kid to the room and then get the guest out, politely).


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
That is so strange.

I probably would have just reassured my child that it was ok for her to play with a community toy and ignored the skit the girl and her mom were playing.

I mean really, if I were at the park and the little girl wanted all the swings or the slide, I wouldn't make my child stop playing.
















I would not participate in over indulgence.


I think you would do a disservice to your dd and the other girl if you made you dd leave. The other mother was way out of line. I do understand some kids have a really hard time sharing but as their parent it is your responsibilty not other people's kids to handle that in a shared play place.


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karemore* 

Enabling bad behaviors in others doesn't seem compassionate to me.

This is how I feel. I think that you did exactly the right thing, OP.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
I am not a fan of "forced" sharing. But there are times and places if you want to stay you have to share.

I agree.

I'd be torn, in some ways. I want my children to be compassionate towards others, and the little girl in the OP was obviously having a hard time with sharing (dd frequently does, too). OTOH, I don't want my children feeling that they have to let people have whatever they want, just because the other people are being pushy and demanding. I don't have anything negative to say about the little girl's behaviour - she's still learning, but I'm really unimpressed with her mother backing her up in this situation.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
What would matter to me was WHO had it first? If the other girl was at the dollhouse first then I would have taken my child & found something else for her to do. Yes I understand she has SPD, so does my dd except my dd would have been the one who insisted on playing by herself becuase she got overstimulated around others especially if they're in her personal space.

Since there was a 2nd dollhouse I don't see what the big deal would have been had you gotten that one done prior to it getting to the point it did.


I think they were playing with it at about the same time (within a minute). The other girl started grabbing and pulling stuff out of dd's hand and yelling for her to go away.

I had to address the second dollhouse. I didn't know there was a second dollhouse....my daughter pointed it out to me (it was up on a shelf) and asked me to take it down, hoping the other girl would come and play again.

I realize now that I should have done or said something. The other mom was definitely in the wrong IMO and it isn'tthe little girls fault, she is only 5 years old. BUT.....

I think if there is ever a next time with this little girl/mom I have received good advice from this thread.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Super Glue Mommy said:


> "that girl wants to play with that toy all by herself. if you want to play with it too, let her know you think you two should share or take turns.."
> then the other girl says she doesn't want to share I would say to my child
> "it doesn't feel nice when people don't share. we can be gracious though and find someone friendly to play with. we'll come back to the playhouse when this little girl is done. Sometimes people are mean to us, but we can still be kind."
> 
> ...


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

definitely a tough situation I think you did a good job overall. I mean, I had time to think about it and still am not sure whats the best thing to do in that situation. who knows what would happen if I were in the situation, but I do think we'd take the back down approach (After our best efforts to problem solve, but not really sure how to do that in this instance)

on one hand I don't want my child to be a push-over, but at the same time life is too short for power struggles with other people. in reali life I tend to back down unless its really important. I guess it would depend how important I felt it was to my child, and if they would be happier just moving on or what could be done etc. you can't control someone elses childs actions, you can only teach your child the best way to problem solve. unfortunately problem solving usually requires 2 peoples efforts so if one person isnt willing to work things out sometimes its better to just walk away and cut your losses then to get in a battle over it. then again, sometimes its good to fight for what you believe in. very tough situation, truly... good discussion!


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
Really, in your own home with your child's own things? Don't they have anything that they can consider "theirs"?

What if your child wanted to play with your jewelry or wallet or your toddler wanted to play with your scrapbooking supplies? I often don't feel like sharing my personal things with my children, and I believe my children should have the same option.

I think I expressed myself poorly here. When I said "in my home" what I meant was "if this situation involved my child". Within the confines of my home, my child will certainly have things over which she has complete control. But in public, in a communal play area - no, not sharing is not an option. If my daughter cannot or will not accept that group toys need to be shared with other people, then we will leave the group area. I agree with a PP that if the child needed to play alone, I would remove her to an environment which enabled her to do so. I think part of raising your children is modelling behavior where we react positively to things that don't necessarily please us (like sharing toys at the communal play area). I see this scenario as an example of this.


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
Okay....

Why didn't I get dd distracted or move to another toy?

Because I didn't tell her or force her to share...she was playing nicely and trying to make a friend.

She has Sensory Processing Disorder and if I would have pulled her away from that area....pretty good chance of a huge meltdown......just to allow another child to monopolize an area.....not gonna happen









Is it possible the other girl had something going on with her? I mean are you SURE she was just being spoiled and wanting her way? Or was the script her way of saying her space was being invaded by someone else wanting to share things with her? I am not saying it was RIGHT to not share community items, BUT having an autistic son, I have had to teach him many times different ways to tell other kids he does not want to share. It doesn't mean the kids have to leave, just leave HIM alone. Of course he has to be exposed to other kids to learn to eventually deal with life and the situations that come up, BUT... sometimes he has an off day.

Just a thought. Now if it was a friends kids who I knew was typical and just being queen bee, well I would probably say something along the lines of "sorry, this isn't your house, we have to share here". But if I didn't know the kid at all, I couldn't full assume that there wasn't some underlying reason.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I would have said that the things are to share but that I would make sure my dd doesn't follow hers if her daughter walks away to get some privacy. If I paid to be there I would point out that I paid for dd to be able to have fun sharing cool things she doesn't have at home. I have stepped in a few times before it even gets to that point and told the children that same thing before it gets to that point when they are trying to hog up a particular toy at the indoor play gym we pay a lot of money to enjoy. I really think that it was rude of that mother to expect you to sacrifice your child's fun just so her child could have her way. If she had special needs and couldn't share that day then she should have been at home having her alone time with her own toys.


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## gingerbane (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I personally would not ascribe motives of selfishness and rudeness to this child. She is clearly (to me at least) only playing out what her parents taught her. I think she's as much a victim in all this as the OP's daughter.


You keep saying that she is a victim of the "script" that her parents taught her but, complying with that script does nothing but keep her victimized by it. I believe in compassion also, but being compassionate doesn't always mean doing what's "demanded" of me.

In this case I think MomtoS was spot on. She handled it in a very compassionate way that also perhaps signaled to the other family that they need to re-write their script (at least when they are in the confines of a community play area).


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

To me this sounds similar to the time my son sat down with some other kids in a playground structure that is like a restaurant booth with a roof over it and walls around 3 sides, and they said, "Hey! We're having a fancy dinner here! You can't just sit down!" He got up and looked to me for help. I explained to him that they were in the middle of playing restaurant; when we eat in a restaurant, people we don't know don't just come along and sit with us, do they? And when we get to a restaurant and all the tables are full, we have to wait until a table is vacated. He understood that, so he did something else for a while but kept glancing to see if they'd left. At one point he went over and said, "More water?" and they let him pretend to fill their glasses.







Finally they left and he did get to play there.

But this was a situation in which the other kids were there first and had started playing something which my son was interrupting. If he and they had arrived at the same time, then yes, it would have been unfair for them to make him leave. MomtoS's story sounds like the two girls started off playing together but then the other girl wanted it all to herself. That does seem wrong. It's like if you and I each are eating alone in a crowded restaurant and sit at the same table, and in the middle of lunch I grab the salt and pepper away from you and say, "Please, I want to eat by myself." That's not cool!

I can see how a dollhouse is the kind of play equipment that might be used in a way that another child with different ideas could disrupt: You're getting the dolls ready to go to sleep in that room, when she suddenly moves the bed to the other room!







: If you've been setting it up for 10 minutes when somebody comes along and starts doing her own thing in the same space without consulting you, I think you have a right to ask to play with it alone. And if the other child really wants to stay, what I as a supervising adult would advise is that the other child find a way to play along without disrupting what was already in progress. I'd ask the child who was there first to tell us about what she's playing, and I'd help the other child to find compatible things to do. If the other mother wouldn't stand for that and came over demanding that I remove my child from the area, THEN we'd have a problem! But I'd hope that "Tell an adult" means, "Ask an adult to help you resolve the situation," and that this type of resolution would be acceptable.

Just because something is public doesn't mean we all have a right to use it AT THE SAME TIME. Think of restaurant tables: You're sitting there; now it's "your" table until you are done. Even if there's only one of you and 4 chairs, someone who wants to take one of your chairs ought to ask you politely. Even though the ketchup on your table is really the restaurant's ketchup not yours, people should ask you before they grab it. And if someone is looking for a place to sit, you should move your newspaper and offer to share the table.








: I think it's lunchtime!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Just because something is public doesn't mean we all have a right to use it AT THE SAME TIME. Think of restaurant tables: You're sitting there; now it's "your" table until you are done. Even if there's only one of you and 4 chairs, someone who wants to take one of your chairs ought to ask you politely. Even though the ketchup on your table is really the restaurant's ketchup not yours, people should ask you before they grab it. And if someone is looking for a place to sit, you should move your newspaper and offer to share the table.








: I think it's lunchtime!

Again, I think it just depends on how you view things. A table at a restaurant, sure, is "yours" until you're through (in most cases). But what about a lunch counter? You can't sit at the counter and then get annoyed when someone comes and sits near you.

I think a dollhouse is one of those in-between-sized toys that some people see as a "restaurant table" and some people see as a "lunch counter."

Going back to my example of a large, obviously sized-for-multiple-kids toy like a train table, would you really be cool with your kid insisting that an entire train table was his to play with alone until he was through?


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

Envirobecca... that is such a well thought out post! You really stated that well.
This was my first thought as well.

I am on the special needs end as well... I think that I often sound like that other mom! I really am trying to help my son state his needs without it getting to the point of grabbing or yelling or other nastiness. I feel like he can diffuse a lot of situations by learning this skill first. ( it doesn't mean that I wouldn't ideally love it if my kiddo was just easy going and a go with the flow kind of kid... he isn't. But that would be a lot easier!) I think that we expect so much of kids in terms of sharing personal space and also give our kids a ton of leeway when they are invading someone elses space instead of modelling more adult problem solving and awareness. Like encouraging our kids to put up with really invasive behavior that we would never in a million years put up with as adults.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

limabean said:


> Again, I think it just depends on how you view things. A table at a restaurant, sure, is "yours" until you're through (in most cases). But what about a lunch counter? You can't sit at the counter and then get annoyed when someone comes and sits near you.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> While you are expected to share the space of a lunch counter you would probably be irrritated if someone touched your food or helped themselves to the cafe newspaper ( which is a communal item) without asking if you were willing to part with it first.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Village Mama* 
While you are expected to share the space of a lunch counter you would probably be irrritated if someone touched your food or helped themselves to the cafe newspaper ( which is a communal item) without asking if you were willing to part with it first.

Right ... I'm confused. Is the dollhouse the counter or the newspaper now? Because I don't see it as an individual item like food or a newspaper. That's what I'm saying -- some people (like me) see a dollhouse as big enough to be played with by multiple kids at once, and some people (like you, I'm guessing) see it as an individual toy. Differences arise when kids with differing opinions on that issue are trying to play with it.


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

OP: Is the dollhouse quite large?

Based on the follow-up (you pulling down another dollhouse from a shelf), it sounds like maybe these toys are individual toys? I can see where this may have been tricky if that's how the other mom/kid were approaching the dollhouse.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

Maybe I am seeing the things inside the dollhouse as the newspaper. Something that the child is engrossed in while at the " lunch counter". I see the dollhouse as a toy that can be used by multiple children potentially but it may be a personal thing that a kid can't just barge in on without much thought and just start doing thier own thing. My newspaper analogy was kind of for that reason. I am happy to share sections that I have read with a couple of other people at the lunch counter, but say , if I know that I am a fast reader and I only have 5 min, I may not want to give you the last section that I have been looking forward to reading because then I know that I wont have time to read it. I might say " I am not quite finished with this portion of the paper but I will give it to you when I am done". I think that that is fine to state that desire. The other adult may insist that it is a communal paper and therefore they are just going to take it... but that would be a little pushy and rude to interrupt in that way?
Things get all muddled when we use too many analogies I think! lol
What I am trying to say is that I can imagine being in my own space with a game or item. I think that there are polite ways to join into an activity and I don't think that kids should just expect to bypass that step of social grace either. I also think that it should be well within a childs right to do something solo for a min and I fully encourage my kids to state those needs as well as they can.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Village Mama* 
What I am trying to say is that I can imagine being in my own space with a game or item. I think that there are polite ways to join into an activity and I don't think that kids should just expect to bypass that step of social grace either. I also think that it should be well within a childs right to do something solo for a min and I fully encourage my kids to state those needs as well as they can.

I completely agree.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Village Mama* 
Things get all muddled when we use too many analogies I think! lol

I agree!







And now I want a rueben sandwich or something at a nice old fashioned lunch counter.









(I still wish someone would answer my train table question. That seems like a toy that's more obviously intended for multiple kids, where it'd be rude to monopolize it. But I can see that a dollhouse is in a more gray area, and your points about individual play are good ones.)


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

There is no question in my mind that a train table would be for multiple children at once and that it would be rude to monopolise it. It still is an opportunity in my mind for cooperative play however.... but at least there are usually four sides so that someone can have a little bit of space to build something really cool, for example. Just because it is a multiple kid space doesn't mean that each kid has the " right" to all of the space and all of the toys within it.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

The first dollhouse was about this size:
http://www.dolldiaries.com/images/fi...-dollhouse.jpg

The second one, that my daughter pointed out after the girl was crying was smaller...about this size.

http://www.storyboardtoys.com/galler...tional-toy.jpg

The about pictures are not the exact dollhouses....just posting so everyone can get an idea of the size.


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

I would tell the mom that the dollhouse was public property and made for sharing.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Both of those I'd be okay with single-play, even in a public/group setting. So I'm standing by my assertions on the subject.









Thanks for the photos!


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

A train table is a good comparison and one that I have lots of experience with: There's a train table at our local library, and my son ADORES trains, and it's only a 2'x3' table with half a dozen traincars and not much track. We have been in every one of these situations at some point:
1. He and another kid start playing at the same time, and eventually the other kid is vrooming the traincar my kid wants or changing the track my kid laid out.
2. Another kid is playing when mine arrives and disrupts what the other kid was doing.
3. My kid is playing when another kid arrives and disrupts what my kid was doing.

In #1 I believe they have equal say in deciding what happens on the train table. I tell them that each of them will have to work around what the other one wants to do. The trains are Sharing Toys that belong to all of us. If my kid can't handle it and is flipping out, it's time to do something else and maybe return to the train table when nobody else is there.

In #2 I explain to my kid that the other kid has something set up already. If the other kid can talk, I ask him/her to show my kid what he can do here. If it's a toddler, I tell my kid that we'll have to be patient because this baby is just learning about sharing. If my kid insists on ignoring the other's plans and the other is getting upset, I say, "Let's go read a story. We'll come back to the trains later."

In #3 I tell my kid to explain politely instead of grabbing. Usually he needs help figuring out how the other kid can be involved: She can push this car; she can help you look for the track that will connect those two, etc. If my kid is too bossy and is hurting the other's feelings (or fingers!), I remind him that these are Sharing Toys and that he has his own trains at home; if he wants to play with these trains, he has to share them with other kids; now, can he work it out, or would he like to read a story?

Seems to me the same approach could apply to a dollhouse. Where there's another dollhouse available, I'd definitely try to interest the later-arriving child in that one. With a big dollhouse, maybe they could divide the rooms, dolls, and furnishings--much as "who's going to vroom the train" issues can be resolved by breaking it into two shorter trains.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I don't think the other mother handled the situation nicely. She could have come over to you to discuss it.

There's a dollhouse at our local library. I view it as something to be shared.


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