# anyone have adult children living at home?



## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

and Idon't mean kids in college....Imean children that are adults in age...but just can't seem to figure out what it means to BE an adult....are afraid to move into the world...get a job....go to school....what have you....anyone???????? I need a support group....or something...anywhere....


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Mine live with me because I want them to, mainly. They both have jobs and go to school. They don't make enough to pay all their rent in cash, but they certainly pull their weight and help out in other ways. I treat them with the same respect I would any other roommate and hope that they will stay with me for a long, long time.

I don't see it as a sign of immaturity or fear on their part, it's just a difficult world out there and a bit of symbiosis is a good thing. I would need a roommate if dd moved out anyway and I prefer having her and her partner here than a stranger.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My 18 yo son is at a crossroads right now. He was registered for upgrading but decided not to go this term, so he isn't in school and isn't working. We'll see how long it goes on - all my kids know that they have one 'free' year of living at home and after that they pay room and board. If they aren't going to school, the time counts toward their free year. So if ds is out of school for Feb to Aug inclusive, that's 7 months towards his free year. If he gets a job hopefully he'll use the free room and board to save up some money. He wants to go to either a trade school or university in September, but may hold off for another year. If he does go to school then he'll still have 5 month of his free year left when he's done. I don't count summers towards the free year if they're in school before and after the summer.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Not just yet, but it's very likely that my kids will be home into young adulthood. I've encouraged them to do so, and so far Ds has said that he sees himself being home until at least 19. None of us can see into the future so we don't really know what will happen, and I will be there for them whatever they decide to do, but I can see them being home for a bit.










I don't think it has to mean a young adult is "afriad" to get a job or attend college. Often there is a period of adjustment between teen/kid and adulthood and it can be a little intense sometimes. I hope that my kids will be able to navigate that time smoothly, but I understand that the may need space and/or gentle support or ideas from me too.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

Well I don't have adult children living here now. But I did for quite awhile. My ds lived with us until he was 26 yo. And his fiance moved in and was here for 3 or 4 years too. They did get a house of their own and move and truthfully, I had mixed feelings. I was sad that they weren't here anymore. But I also found that I got along better with them when they weren't living there...the whole "I have one way of doing things and they have another". YK? Tho I tried real hard not to say "it's MY house and we do things my way" cuz it was also his house for 26 years. And also, my teen dd found it difficult because essentially, she seemed to have 2 sets of parents instead of parents and a brother. That part was hard for her.
But with the state of the economy, and with finances so bad all over, I have told them as well as my adult dd and her family that if push comes to shove, they can move back here. Oh, and I followed that by saying that if that happened, I'd probably move to a cave somewhere. LOL. But I agree....a support group would be nice.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

My dd is almost 19 and her partner is 21, they have a 2 year old so I am quite happy they are still living with us. Dd very much wants to have her own home but obviously does not have the means. Her partner has had a couple of jobs, but seems to want to spend his money on fun things instead of starting their lives together. I know that frustrates her, but I think she doesn't feel she has any say in the matter (which frustrates me, but that's another story). Her new plan is to start school at the community college and get a grant, she hopes that will be enough money to pay rent. I know she wants to have some independence and feel like she can stand on her own 2 feet. I know however that she needs additional support as far as caring for the baby. So I feel split on the issue, plus I really like having the baby at home ... I would really miss him if I didn't get to see him every day.


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## carlylovesthesims2 (Mar 22, 2007)

im 28 but i live with my parents because im disabled/choniclly ill


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Why does our society see multigenerational living as a problem? Shit, I hope my kids grow up and build a house on our (hypothetical future) land. I dont think living on your own is any better or more pleasing than living with your loving family!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I have to agree with earthie. What is wrong with multi-generaltional living.

If your child is taking advantage of you you need to treat him like the adult they are. If you need to have rules to the house have them. He is an adult he can choose to obey them or move. Also, make sure your rules would apply to anyone else that would live with you. Are you being respectful. If he doesn't come home until 2 why is that a problem? If they are bieng loud that is the issue. If you are worring accept that if they were in an apt. you wouldn't know.


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## Crystal Pegasus (Jan 24, 2008)

My sister lived with our parents well into her 20's.

I'd hope my son would want to stay here until he felt ready emotionally and financially to move on. In fact I don't ever really want him to leave home (although, since he's recently become a teenager....







) but I realise he'll no doubt want his freedom one day.

Oh... and I also hope to have an abundance of beautiful, natural land where we can build a home for him and his future wife and children... assuming he has any. Put my parents in another house... build my sister one if she wants... with a bit of space and privacy in between each and we'd have "heaven on earth", so to speak.


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## GreenKnitPocket (Feb 2, 2008)

If you are afraid that your children aren't moving out just because they are afraid to move on. Give them the same responsibilities they would have if they moved out. My next door neighbor's daughter stayed in the house for 5 years after graduating college. The girl still had to pay rent and utilities, the surprise was her mother never used any of the money her daughter gave her--instead she saved it all and when her daughter moved out she gave her all of her money back plus the bit of interest it accumulated in the bank.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama* 
Why does our society see multigenerational living as a problem? Shit, I hope my kids grow up and build a house on our (hypothetical future) land. I dont think living on your own is any better or more pleasing than living with your loving family!

exactly. And yes I have an adult living at home. One that doesn't even have a job oh the horror. I'm fine with it.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal Pegasus* 
Oh... and I also hope to have an abundance of beautiful, natural land where we can build a home for him and his future wife and children... assuming he has any. Put my parents in another house... build my sister one if she wants... with a bit of space and privacy in between each and we'd have "heaven on earth", so to speak.










Ahhh... my dream as well


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## momof7 (May 6, 2005)

Anyone read the book by Leonard Sax. "Boys Adrift?" I'm sure much of it applies to girls, too, but so far our experience is with boys because they are the oldest ones of our brood!
We have 7 kids in a blended family(ages 8, 10, 13, 15, 17, 18, 22)- the oldest son, 22, tried college for 2 years, and has been home on and off. The next son, 18, is first year in college and I don't think he'll ever want to live at home again! So far it's working okay- there are minor bumps, but all in all we are happy if ds is happy and productive (doesn't have to be school or a job, but needs to be doing something- like his art work or music) and contributes around the house.


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## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

My family and I lived (we have 2 boys) with my in-laws for 2 yrs while we saved money for a down payment on a townhome. We have now lived in the townhome for 3 years and are preparing to rent it out and move back in with my in-laws to save money for a downpayment on a house. When we moved out the first time both my in-laws cried even though we were only moving 10 minutes away. To be honest if we could afford a big enough piece of property we wouldn't mind sharing a house with them forever. The benefits to our children of having the bond that they do with their grandparents can not even be put into words.

At the other end of the spectrum, my brother moved back home with my parents and it was horrible. He slept all day, went out all night, and did not contribute to the household at all.

So, I think that the success of adults living at home all has to do with expectations.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I would not mind if the children wanted to live at home here and there. I love having them around! I would encourage them to travel and use us as a homebase. I loved that I could travel so much and still find a place to dump my sleeping bag. My dh's parents recieved and paid our bills (with our money!!!) when we backpacked through Europe and more. We can't wait to be the stopping place for our kids as they move about.

We've told our kids that seeing the world is a really awesome thing, and they enjoy looking through the family photo albums. If they needed to be home to save money for an adventure or school etc, we even have a whole cottage for free on the property for them. (The extra house on the land was a major selling point for us, thinking into the future where we could assist our kids).

Our kids seem to be the adventure types. Absolutely we would be there in whatever way possible to help them feel the world is their travel guide. I absolutely want to be the touch-base place as they travel. So far, at least one of our our kids wants to do a stinit in the Peace Corps.

Dh and I have been very lucky. We were able to travel, and we were so greateful that both sets of parents welcomed us back from adventures with open arms. I hope we can be as supportive for our kids. Knowing we always had a home base made all the difference.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

The idea that adult children living with parents is automatically unhealthy has irked me for a long long time. It may not be for everyone, but I think it can be a wonderful experience.


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## hippie chick (Mar 21, 2007)

my husband, son and i are living with my parents right now. my husband is unemployed, i am a sahm, who also takes care of my dad, who has Alzheimer's, while my mom works. i try not to have my parents watch my kid while i am here, although my mom loves it. my husband is job and life surfing to find something he wants to do in life. i think if adult children do live at home (still home to me) setting ground rules and expectations are so important for all!


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

There is a difference between multi-generational living, which I am extremely in favor of, and parasitism, which I am against.

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Some personal experiences...

I have a 23yo sister who still lives with my parents. She has not attended a class in almost a year. She has worked a handful of days during that time. She gives my parents horrible attitude. She spends half the day sleeping and the other half hanging out with her friends (drinking, drugs, promiscuity). My parents give her money for everything. My parents pay about $10k per year just to keep her covered under their medical plan. And they are just middle class, so this hurts them. She never does housework -- not even to clean up after herself and her friends. She, and they, eat all the food in the house, and drink all the juice/soda and all my parents' alcohol. They leave dirty plates and glasses and napkins everywhere. They get into drunken fights and break things. She has no motivation to ever do anything more with her life than party with her friends.

I've talked to her about this. Does she have so little self-respect that she can continue to suck all my parents' resources and energy and not contribute anything to the family besides negativity and stress? She immediately explodes in anger that she refuses to do anything for them since she feels like they are horrible and only exist to make her suffer. They are the enemy. I have no idea where she gets this from. They do EVERYTHING for her. She has such a nice lifestyle with them and she doesn't appreciate it. She just feels victimized and wronged by the whole universe. She feels like it owes her a pampered life and she doesn't have to make any effort to earn that.

It is hard for the rest of us to understand. We are very motivated and passionate people. We look forward to getting up in the morning because we have more things we want to do in this lifetime than can ever be done.

Her attitude seems to me like the stereotypical teenager 10 years younger than her. I can't really relate to that. I never saw our parents as the enemy. They were extremely non-restrictive and supportive. Any guidelines they had were clearly about safety, not control. We didn't always agree about what was best for me, but it was obvious that their preferences were based on caring about me, not wanting to harm me. They are very giving, and constantly offer her more and more opportunities to explore her interests at their expense. Their feeling about her floundering is that "she's just going to be a late bloomer."

Our landlord's son is similar. They live upstairs and I talk to him a lot. He is 21 and does nothing with his life but have fun with his friends. His father supplies him with everything he needs and wants. Yet still he has this attitude that his father has wronged him and owes him something more. He has a tendency for what I call hyper-self-righteousness. This is where the person can be abusive of the good nature of everyone around him/her without seeing the harm he/she does, and then overreact to the tiniest perceived offense against himself/herself.

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I don't think anyone wants to shove their children out the door. You love them and want to have them around. But you also want them to have some interests they feel passionate about and do something productive with themselves. Is it possible that continuing to indulge these hyper-self-righteous individuals could be providing a safe harbor so attractive that they never leave it, and therefore never venture out to see what the world has to offer? At what point does support become an unhealthy crutch keeping them from ever taking a step towards some kind of accomplishment that would make them feel some self-worth?

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I've heard that "26 is the new 21." Is that true? Maybe. Is it because the world doesn't have space to absorb more people into society -- that they feel there is no room for them -- they are unwanted. Does that create the hostile feelings?


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## CindyC (Mar 22, 2002)

I come from a family of adult children living at home. We are Mexican, so my mom preferred that we stay at home as long as we wanted. I've been working since I graduated from college, so I contributed to the family in many ways until I bought my own home when I was 30. My two single sisters still live at home (37 and 45, respectively). They are both gainfully employed and help out alot with taking our father to his many appointments. My brother did take awhile to figure out where he was going. He did not graduate from high school, because he got a job offer in his senior year. But he started moving from job to job (even trying to start his own business) and at one point wasn't working at all. Luckily, he did find something about the same time he met his future wife. That pretty much gave him a reason to stay employed and he's worked through the ranks to become a manager.

I feel living at home can work up to a certain point. But there is something to be said for being on your own to create your own life. I see my sisters "trapped" in old roles and not being allowed to create who they want to be.


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

We lived in Europe for six years, where we were exposed to multigenerational families. It is considered normal there to have adult children, their parents, and even the grandparents all living in one home.
We brought that model home to America with us and with our large family, have a beautiful, peaceful home with our adult children who live with us. I have Zach, who will be 22 this year, Jesse age 19, and Jaimie (our adopted niece) age 19 living with us. Our daughter just moved out last summer when she married her husband. The children all have responsibilities which they do cheerfully. They have jobs and go to college. I wouldn't have it any other way. Why should they pay rent when they can live at home and save money? We have plenty of room and everyone has his or her own room. In fact, our oldest son and his wife just moved into their own home with our grandson not more than six months ago. They're both 27.
I don't understand why Americans don't choose the multigenerational family dwelling more. It just makes sense. Everyone saves money, and with a little work, family life is very peaceful. There are always people around to help with whatever needs doing.
It works for us and I think would work for a lot of people who are into gentle parenting of teens and adult children.


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## niki_73 (Oct 6, 2004)

I live in the same house as my parents. Our house has enough space for three suites, one is a smaller 700sq ft one bedroom for my grandmother who watches my children (we pay her) and another suite of my parents that is 900 sq ft and has two bedrooms and we have the whole upstairs which is 3 bedrooms and 1600sq ft. My parents built the house 11 years ago so they got to choose the layout to incorporate future suites and as I got older they made the renovations. We pay 90% of the mortgage payment which is small anyway and my parents pay the utilities, this arrangement works quite well. The prices of houses has really skyrocketed in the last 10 years and and we could go get a 3 bedroom townhouse for $400,000 but we pay less on the mortgage here so why not save the money for something else. I love that my kids get to see their grandparents everyday and are taken care of by my grandmother who is still fairly young and active. I think it would be really difficult to move now.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lissacamille* 
I don't understand why Americans don't choose the multigenerational family dwelling more. It just makes sense. Everyone saves money, and with a little work, family life is very peaceful. There are always people around to help with whatever needs doing.
It works for us and I think would work for a lot of people who are into gentle parenting of teens and adult children.









:

I am so sick of having to say over and over again that I don't have a problem with the 22 year old living here and if I did, I certainly wouldn't be shy about letting him know. The young couple need to build a life for themselves but with the cost of rent these days, they would have to choose their relationship over their educations if both sets of parents kicked them out.

The reality is that his mother feels the same way about my daughter as I do about her son: we're not losing our children, we're expanding our FAMILIES. My son-in-love surprises me with unexpectedly large rent payments when I most need money and has been worth more than his weight in gold as far as mentoring my teenager, maintaining our automobiles, and doing "husbandly" chores around the house, especially during my pregnancy when I was physically unable to stack wood, do yard work, etc. without it taking forever and being very uncomfortable.

We are very happy with our nontraditional family structure and i only hope that we can find a larger place to live when my sons partners appear in the picture and/or buy a big enough piece of land that my as-yet-unconceived grandchildren by my oldest can live with both grandmothers.

It's symbiosis, not arrested development.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Am I the only person addressing the concern in the actual OP? All these stories of posters or their adult children living at home but doing something productive or contributive are kinda irrelevant. Nice to hear, but not really addressing the issue of the moochers.

OP, you wanted a support group, I will be your supporter -- even if it is just the 2 of us.

I hereby create a support group for parents with adult children who are unmotivated, direction-less, un-productive, or non-contributive. Here's to hoping they eventually find their passion!

Being a SISTER but not a parent of one such adult child, I expect it must be kinda frightening to think of how that child will fare when you, the parent, are no longer able to support him/her.

Do you have an approaching retirement? My father is already retired (his job was eliminated, and he wasn't really in a position at 60yo with outdated skills to get another one) and my mother is getting close to the point where she would like to retire, but she doesn't see how she can do that because they are supporting my sis.

Also, my mother's medical plan from work was supposed to cover her until she turned 23. After that, they started paying for COBRA, to keep her covered, but it only lasts 3 years. After that, they would have to pay out of pocket for any medical expenses. They can handle routine medical things, since she is generally healthy, but they are terrified of an accident or major illness that involves any hospitalization. They realize that if she doesn't have insurance and something like that happens, they will have to sign something guaranteeing payment for treatment. Then they could lose all their hard-earned and carefully-saved retirement savings.

My father feels confident that if she could just get her bachelors degree she would have a lot of job options. But I know that a BA is no guarantee. I had a tough time finding a job after I graduated. DH did too. So, at this point my father is gently encouraging her to take classes towards a BA. She has been officially a college student for more than 5 years, and is only about half way towards a bachelors. She has been taking fewer and fewer classes, and now it seems to be none since last spring.

I thought maybe she would feel like the goals were more attainable if they weren't such long-term ones. So I offered to help her with a short-term training program. I figured she could feel like it was less of a huge task, and she would see some progress and have feelings of accomplishment sooner. There are some programs for as little as a few weeks, like getting a bartender's license (i think she would like being a bartender, and be good at it) or as little as 3 months (certified nursing assistant). Then she would feel a bit better about herself, hopefully, and less intimidated by other possible goals. It would also put something on her resume, and give her options past minimum wage. She didn't seem interested in any of my suggestions, because any of them involves actually studying something, and actually having to show up at a job. Both of those actions seem so exhausting and oppressive to her. She really wants to be free forever to just hang out and party.

My concern for her is that if she doesn't learn to swim now, when the flood comes she is going to have it much harder. Eventually she will find herself working a miserable job and living a horrible lifestyle. She prefers not to think ahead and just live for the moment's pleasure. Imagining a future where she may have to get up on a schedule for a job or class is just too horrific to her.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I didn't actually realize the thread was about 'mooching' children...I missed that. I am not sure why a fully grown adult would want their parent to support them without offerring to asist...I mean even my older teens have had jobs...or wy they would want to live in Mom's basement without excitment about life. That would worry me. I would consider depression or something or other and encouage the child to maybe speak with someone who is their parent to sort it out.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I didn't actually realize the thread was about 'mooching' children...I missed that. I am not sure why a fully grown adult would want their parent to support them without offerring to asist...I mean even my older teens have had jobs...or wy they would want to live in Mom's basement without excitment about life. That would worry me. I would consider depression or something or other and encouage the child to maybe speak with someone who is their parent to sort it out.

Somehow this affliction seems to have affected most of my sister's peers too.

I was thinking just a few minutes ago about something I heard Dr. Phil say yesterday. He said that people form an idea in their head about themselves, and then make choices that result in them becoming like that. I think my sister has the idea that she can't do anything. She also has the idea that no decent man would want her, so she goes to meet men in the places that losers hang out and ends up feeling lucky that illiterate junkies showed an interest in her. She sets her sights so extremely low. I think that she isn't sure she has the ability to perform consistently at a class or job.

I also find she is extremely frustrated. She feels like the whole world is full of ridiculous things and hipocrasies and nobody seems to care. Why do adults tolerate things that are obviously so bad?

I guess the world is a pretty depressing place when you feel like there is nothing in it for you.

I also think part of the problem is that these people lack internal motivation. In a world that functions on behavioristic concepts of how to interact with each other, they have become dependent on external motivation. If nobody makes it unpleasant for them to mooch, why should they change that behavior? It is certainly more unpleasant to do anything else, like work or go to school.


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## lynnia manis (Oct 26, 2006)

multigenerational living is readily accepted in Europe and other countries, but in the US, by many, it is frowned







on, what a suprise, so is nursing toddlers, etc..........I believe it works well with a strong family structure







......with kids who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, and generally doing nothing, this destroys the family structure and creates stress







for the parents, and other family members which makes living peaceful impossible...........now, when the adult children are pulling their weight














:, and many do, this creates a wonderful enviroment to build cherished memories.........







......the price of everything these days, it makes complete sense to live in an extended family structure........PEACE


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

My ex-dh is like this. At 27 years old, he has no stable job, plays video games all day, & is unmotivated to look for a job or even get his GED. If you nag him to study his GED books or go fax out his resume, he gets verbally and physically abusive. When he does work, he will give his mother money, but when he's unemployed, he bums money off of her to buy weed, sports magazines, and porn. When I met him he was living with his mom, stepdad and younger brother but since he had a very good job at the time and was basically paying her rent, it didn't faze me that he lived with her...3 or 4 generations in a household is totally normal to me.

So I'm not the parent of an unmotivated, immature adult, but I was married to one and I sympathize. Even though I believe that he suffers from severe depression because of the absolutely horrible childhood he endured, there is no excuse for a grown man to sit around acting like a 16 year old. Sometimes he just seems like a lost little kid that just needs someone's unconditional love, but then he gets angry when you try to get him help. I begged his mom repeatedly to kick him out so that he would be forced to grow up, but she enables his behavior. Since I left him, he has gone back and forth between his mother and father's house..toting his PS3 and xbox.


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## lil_earthmomma (Dec 29, 2006)

Well... I'm 24 and maybe a moocher... I don't know. My dh and I live in my parents summer home, and dh plans on getting his BA of Ed. I stay home with our ds, and do some wahm stuff. Have I always been this "productive" and "driven" and had vision for the future. NO.

My parents have a really great attitude about this, and tell people when they give them $%#& over helping their children so much:

20 is the new 40. 20 somethings are expected to have a great job, a degree, a house, a car and a booming portfolio. But a generation ago, and back, people were not expected to be worldly successful and "have it together" until their late 30's ish.

I agree with this idea, which my parents just shared with me recently, when I was feeling so bad that we are just getting our lives "on track". There is so much pressure on young people to succeed, that it's really easy to just tune out and want to rebel and be a kid and do nothing. It's also harder for some people than others to get used to the working world, and it's something that takes time, maturity and life experiences.

Try to give your "moocher" some time to germinate, and maybe they will suprise you soon with great aspirations and dreams. I know I have grown so much from the person I was at 20. I am a harder worker, a more responsible worker and more focused.

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lil_earthmomma* 

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.


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## Joyce in the mts. (Jan 12, 2003)

All three of my children are over 20 and two of them live here on the property. One son lives with us in our house, and the other lives in a cabin that he and my husband built, up the path.

They both work for a living and contribute regularly to the household by doing chores and contributing to bills, i.e.: they haul wood in for the woodstove because it keeps everyone warm, they contribute to the power bill and the phone bill... they buy food and sometimes cook. They pay their personal expenses such as car insurance. They help with clearing snow and with other maintenance around our property- my husband and I are not getting any younger.

We all pull together and really... with the economy as it is, and as it may be for a time in the future before it gets better, we feel this is not a bad way to live. It works for us.

BONUS: By the way, because we have this arrangement, my husband and I feel darn lucky to have live-in dog and house sitters. We can go on vacations and feel secure that all is well. One time we were gone and strong storm caused a power outage and there was an issue with our waterpump... the guys dealt with it and all was well. Good to know we can leave our home in their hands with peace of mind.

Our daughter, also in her 20's has her own home in a neighboring town with her boyfriend. That is what's right for her. She and her boyfriend work very hard, as do both our sons. Our oldest son has lived on his own several times over the years. We certainly expect he will do so again if/when the time and situation is right, as will our youngest son.

We have no issue whether or not they choose to move on or stay. Either way, we're good.









J.


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## Joyce in the mts. (Jan 12, 2003)

Forgot to say: I think that this nuclear family idea was a big mistake anyhow... y'know the mom and dad and 1.2 kids or whatever it was. I don't much like the culture that it has spawned.

I prefer a more tribal, extended family anyhow where there is always a safety net for all generations.

My mom was born at the beginning of the Great Depression. Her extended family came to live with her and her parents and siblings. She never knew that they were all poor- they had a farm, a garden, worked together and had fun together. Her grandmother lived with them too.

What a wonderful, upbringing that was- and it did have some serious warts, but still was more conducive to relationships- compared to what is accepted as the "norm" today. We have a whole generation- one generation at least- that is so detached that there is some attitude of not caring about anyone else.

And y'know... I cannot say that the accompanying centralization of many cultural infrastructural necessities such as medical care, education and separation of elders from the family and other things that have come about since establishment of the nuclear family, is all particularly positive. Who knows what our culture would be like if after WW2, our culture had developed in a different manner?

I know that is not the only factor in cultural development, and I know my historic perception may be off, but perhaps you see what I am saying. I think that too much emphasis is put on everyone fending for themselves in a one size fits all manner- you're 18 or 21 or whatever age, and now you are OUT. We expect a level of independence from birth in many families- outside those who are a bit radical or resistant and have found value in more compassionate ways of living or whom have found a different practical sensibility.

So be it. That's my two cents...for whatever it is worth. Perhaps it's just ramblings that don't make sense. So be that too.









J.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lil_earthmomma* 
Well... I'm 24 and maybe a moocher... I don't know. My dh and I live in my parents summer home, and dh plans on getting his BA of Ed. I stay home with our ds, and do some wahm stuff. Have I always been this "productive" and "driven" and had vision for the future. NO.

My parents have a really great attitude about this, and tell people when they give them $%#& over helping their children so much:

20 is the new 40. 20 somethings are expected to have a great job, a degree, a house, a car and a booming portfolio. But a generation ago, and back, people were not expected to be worldly successful and "have it together" until their late 30's ish.

I agree with this idea, which my parents just shared with me recently, when I was feeling so bad that we are just getting our lives "on track". There is so much pressure on young people to succeed, that it's really easy to just tune out and want to rebel and be a kid and do nothing. It's also harder for some people than others to get used to the working world, and it's something that takes time, maturity and life experiences.

Try to give your "moocher" some time to germinate, and maybe they will suprise you soon with great aspirations and dreams. I know I have grown so much from the person I was at 20. I am a harder worker, a more responsible worker and more focused.

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.









You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Joyce, your kids are absolutely not moochers either.

Not that I have appointed myself the judge of mooching. Just that I don't think what you describe at all resembles the concerns of the OP. I don't think anyone on this thread has expressed any complaints over multigenerational living -- only when the adult children do not either contribute or work towards bettering themselves.


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## lil_earthmomma (Dec 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.

Thanks







! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.


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## JamSamMom (Apr 17, 2007)

I am 35 years old and live with my parents with my 2 kids and my dog and cat! I certainly am not living here for financial reasons I sold a great house last year (I thought it would take much longer than one month to sell) and wanted support and help with my kids. My husband is a major in the U.S. Air Force and is in Afghanistan for 15 months. He left when my DD#2 was 3 weeks old and I moved at 6 weeks PP into my parents house and sold my home a month later. My parents love seeing the kids every day my DD#1 was born in Japan and my parents did not see her until she was 9 months old. My parents love having us here and I really needed the help last year with my thyroid crashing pp and I got mastitis 5 times in a three month period. My mom helped me so much and now that I am feeling better I am able to help my mom clean, do laundry, grocery shop. My husband will be home in April and we will be moving again maby overseas or half way across the country so my parents will really miss us when we are gone. We might see each other once a year. It has not always been easy for all of us but I am so glad my parents have bonded so well with their gandkids. My dad just turned 84 last month and is very healthy but I still get concerned about his age and I will always be glad I had the opportunity to live here with the kids and spend more time with my parents.
Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lil_earthmomma* 
Thanks







! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.

Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:

Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.
I think my parents would be ECSTATIC if my sister showed any interest in ANY possible course of study or potential career. An earning a bit of her own spending cash is more than they could even imagine.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

doobla postage-ness


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

edited-- not that interested in this convo


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## lil_earthmomma (Dec 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?

I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lil_earthmomma* 
I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.

I can see that -- burn out. I felt it too, but was too afraid for my future to give myself a break. So I just got more and more mediocre for a while. Skipped some opportunities for college-level courses during high school and opted for the slightly less demanding equivalents. Half-assed my essays on college applications. Was relieved when they didn't accept me. Chose a not-so-strenuous course of study in NYU. Wasn't ambitious about my career.

I don't see where my sister could claim burn out, though. She has never done anything "extra." She did what was needed to just pass in junior high. She failed everything her first year of high school. She then went back to just passing, except math and spanish and gym which she cut 2/3 of the time and failed. She got accepted to Brooklyn College because of her great SAT scores. (She has a brain, and a good vocabulary from having read a ton until she was about 12.) Then she took about 4 credits per semester (full time is usually 16ish) and failed or barely-passed for a while. Then they sent her a letter that if she doesn't get her GPA above 2 by a certain deadline she was out. She got Bs on a few classes and squeaked by that problem. Then she stopped taking classes at all for almost a year. She SAID she was looking for a job, but when I talked to her it sounded like she had only checked out 3 leads and given up.

Truth is, this is a SPECTACULAR record compared to her friends. Most of them lack basic reading and arithmetic skills. But she seems to have this HUGE potential. Like she could do almost anything if she put her mind to it. She just never puts her mind to anything besides hanging out.


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## Sage.Naissance (Feb 5, 2008)

Sounds like your sister has not found her niche and truth be told I doubt she will find it in the comfort of the parents home.
I enthusiastically moved out at the age of 17, raised in a house where I got lots of love and support but had to get a job at 14, and definitely HAD to pull my weight in the house. I was a bratty teenager but a bratty teenager that could cook excellent meals, do laundry, and knew how to make a toilet bowl sparkle using vinaigre.
I moved out and struggled like mad, living in a francophone city 10 hours away from my parents house trying to make $$. I didnt go to uni straight away, and have done a bit here and there but in this struggle and in branching out I found my calling, Midwifery, and have developed into a successful hardworking woman who absolutely adores and respects her parents. My brother(19) is about to go to uni and he's terrified but he'll do okay.
I think living with your parents is very situational. I could have/ could not live with my parents as an adult because a)I grew up pretty quickly and developed my own ideals about living that are important to me(ie not living a TV centred life, being calm & low stress) that are very contrary to the way my family lives, b)The place my parents live I have NO desire to live, c)Im nearly ready to get it together and have a family myself in the next few years.
However if my parents place was in a great city I wanted to live in, and I had a path that I could maintain while living with my parents, and they didnt watch so much bloody TV I would consider living with my parents because they are amazing. But for kids who dont seem to do much, dont have a path, and are sort of freaked out at the concept of independance & figuring it out should be pushed out a bit. I also think that kids who don't respect their parents or the sheer expense of living and act like spoiled brats should be pushed out. They just have to try to make rent and feed themselves to get a reality check.


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

If you need a support group, I take it that this arrangement of your adult kids living at home is NOT working for you. Sounds like it's time for your adult children to move out. At some point you can only do so much and then (for some kids) the whole mama bird making the baby bird fly thing needs to happen 

Not easy, but good luck.


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## susan0314 (Feb 19, 2008)

so glad i "came upon" this forum and thread today, as i just had yet another "blow out" with my dd..







i think one of the reasons i feel so upset about this whole situation is that i helped create it.

a little history:
dd is 25 yrs old. just graduated in december with her masters in teaching. fortunately got a job and now makes more money than i do. my dh retired in november. to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean...she always has worked since she's been 16..and besides going to college has maintained at least 2 part-time jobs. of course all the money she has made she has spent...on her loser boyfriend who doesn't work or trying to pay off her credit cards!

i also have a 21 yr old ds who is away at college and works co-op jobs during the summer. he pays for his own food, car insurance and when home keeps his room clean and helps us in the yard!

today the straw broke the camels back when i told my daughter she was going to have to start paying for her own groceries. she got so angry she cursed at me and then left.

now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *susan0314* 
now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.

Sounds like we are in about the same situation. My 24 year old daughter could have rented a flat in our house, but I think she is much better off moving out and getting used to taking care of herself. It has been two years now with increasing frustration for all of us. She has finally found herself a flat to rent somewhere else, and she's moving on Wednesday. It was not voluntary on her part - I just couldn't handle anymore of her attitude and lack of contribution. I never thought I would be so happy to have my child move out.







It has been really hard for me to get to the point of actually forcing her to move, but I really think it's for the best.

I wish you luck - it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to build that house and rent it to somebody else for a proper price - your daughter will most likely manage fine and will probably feel better about herself when she gets more independant.


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## susan0314 (Feb 19, 2008)

thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

we moved in with my parents last year after a tornado took our home for about 4 months. it was awesome. my mom and i enjoyed the "villageness" of it. It was nice to put a load of laundry in and come back to it folded, and same for mom, if I found clothes that needed laundering, I'd keep the process going. It was like that for everything, trash, dishes, cleaning. It was awesome. They didn't allow us to pay rent but we did contribute groceries and cleaning. I can't imagine letting them do all that. For those of you who have kids freeloading like that I'd be tempted to encourage them to get their own place, too. I'm no spring chicken, though, I'm 30.


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## nicolelynn (Aug 18, 2006)

My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.


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## nicolelynn (Aug 18, 2006)

My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.


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## mom2 5 3ds2dd (Feb 19, 2008)

My oldest daughter is 24 ,she is still home she does work full time but is just not ready to be on her own ,we are fine with that I figured when she is ready she will move out ,she is great help to the family if I need a babysitter and she is off never a problem ,helps with the house ,my other daughter who is 20 is gone on her own (COLLEGE) has been for 2 years now its just the way each one is .


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

Susan:

"to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean..."

You have GOT to be kidding me! Your daughter has a master's degree - she a teacher, she is an ADULT. Wow, I'm just in shock - what does your husband think about letting DD take, take, take and give nothing in return?


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *susan0314* 
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.

I used to think exactly like you are thinking. I was going to have her pay rent (we were considering putting it in a separate account so she could use it to get her own place later on), we were going to demand that she contributed in terms of housework, paid some of the food, bought her own shampoo etc. My daughter was also shopping a lot, and it was making me annoyed because while I had to be economical to pay for us all, she was just wasting the money I was saving her.

My thought was that she would realise she might as well get her own place and be her own boss, if we made it just a bit less comfortable for her to stay at home.

But that's not what happened. What happened is that she said she was ok with the conditions we set up for her, but then when she was actually expected to do something, she stalled, argued, developed a horrible attitude - I felt like she was fourteen years old again, and it just got worse and worse. She seemed to resent me more the more I did for her, and the more I did to try to create a workable way of living for us. In the end this - how to help her - took up my thoughts every day, night and day. It was making me resentful, because she has two younger brothers, one of which is only two years old, who also needed and deserved my attention.

I think I should have demanded that she move long ago. It just took me a while to realise that there was no way letting her stay was going to do her any good at all.

Making some demands of your daughter is probably worth a try, but if it doesn't work, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about telling her to move. Children are, after all, meant to eventually grow up and create their own lives, and your daughter sounds like she is perfecly capable of taking care of herself. My daughter has moved out now, and I really feel like I have done the right thing. Now both of us can get on with our lives.

Btw I think you are right about your daughter not managing to take proper control of her economy while she's living with you.


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