# "uncle" is very affectionate...



## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right place...but here goes...

My sil has a boyfriend who is wonderful. He treats her very well, makes a real effort to get along with her family and friends...is an all 'round great guy. I am very happy she found him.

My issue is this:

He is very affectionate with my kids, especially my dd. Which honestly, does not bother me. I honestly do not believe that he means anything inappropriate by it. He is from Cuba and I have learned from my experiences with him and also with Cuban families I have worked with in daycare that it is common for adults to be affectionate with children. By affectionate I mean he hugs her and asks for kisses, he's not doing any touching that concerns me.
What does concern me is that Grace is the sort of kid that is sort of stingy with her affection. When she figured out that smiling had a super reaction as a baby, she only doled them out when you really deserved it. Same with kisses...she is affectionate with us, although she will tell us no if she does not feel like giving a hug or kiss. We respect her for it and do not force her. He doesn't force her exactly, but he pesters at her asking her over and over and holding her to try and get a kiss. I know he does not mean anything by it, it's a cultural thing and he is just letting her know in her way that he cares. Usually she has to start forcefully pushing him away before he relents.
And she has become wary around adults she does not see on a regular basis. She sees my parents at least once a week and it usually takes her a little bit to warm up to them, she's a toddler and acts like a toddler. Sometimes he understands that she is standoffish because she is at that age, other times he seems to really try to get her attention.
My real concern lies in that I do not want my children growing up to believe that just because someone pesters that they need to comply with affection they do not want to dole out. I have heard too many stories where children have gone along with a molester because they were told to comply with requests from adults, I think it's a dangerous message to send to your children.
My question is this;
I want to tell him that I do not want him to try and force affection out of my children, but I am not sure how to do it. I certainly do not want him to think that I am accusing him of anything, because I am not. It's not that he adores my children that bothers me, I think that's great. And until I have this conversation with him, I do not want him and my sil to babysit my children. At least when I am around I can usually step in and I have said "She doesn't want to right now...let's play with this toy instead" or just take her into my arms since she usually will try to get to me anyway. And when we say goodbye I make a point of holding her and having her wave. I talked to my husband and he agrees that while he is not concerned about his motivations, he does not want dd or ds to think that they have to give affection to adults simply because they ask. But neither of us seems to know exactly how to word it so that feelings are not hurt.
Any advice?


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## SexyMama (May 31, 2006)

I found a great book called "Uncle Willy's Tickles" which deals with this situation. Sounds like you're stuck between supporting/protecting your daughter and trying to explain to a person with different cultural norms what is acceptable to your family. As your daughter's teacher, I think you're doing just the right thing by holding her to "wave" goodbye. It puts you in control of what you know she can handle. It does amaze me how adults will dismiss when a child says "NO!" Good luck to you! It is not easy, but it sounds like you are already doing a great job in protecting and teaching your daughter.


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## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SexyMama* 
I found a great book called "Uncle Willy's Tickles" which deals with this situation. Sounds like you're stuck between supporting/protecting your daughter and trying to explain to a person with different cultural norms what is acceptable to your family. As your daughter's teacher, I think you're doing just the right thing by holding her to "wave" goodbye. It puts you in control of what you know she can handle. It does amaze me how adults will dismiss when a child says "NO!" Good luck to you! It is not easy, but it sounds like you are already doing a great job in protecting and teaching your daughter.









thank you.


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## MamideDani (Nov 29, 2006)

--


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

When he starts pestering, I would say, "I don't think she wants kisses right now" and maybe even take her from his arms if he's holding her "hostage", so to speak. I totally understand you not wanting her to feel like she HAS to kiss/hug someone.


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## SharonAnne (Jul 12, 2004)

You are right on target. I was raised to believe that if a family member wanted hugs and kisses, I had to give them hugs and kisses, like it or not. Which is probably how my grandfather ended up molesting me.

Your instincts are RIGHT ON. If she doesn't want to kiss him, help her to be empowered not to.


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## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

I guess my main concern is that I want to actually discuss it with him, because they have been offering repeatedly to babysit for us and if they do then I will not be there to say "I don't think she wants a kiss right now". I am just not sure how to approach it, but I do know that I do not want them to babysit until I do and are able to see how he reacts to it (for example, if he is dismissive then I will not ever allow them to be alone with my kids, I doubt that will be the case since he has told me he has a lot of respect for me as mother, I think it's because I am home and raising them, he has a fairly traditional outlook on how the family should be set up).


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## sphinxie (Feb 28, 2006)

Ah! I can relate. My DH's family is Central European and they are generally very affectionate with kids, which is great. But DSD is pretty N. American. They have a family friend who tries to be affectionate with her and even though I'm quite sure there's nothing improper about it in the worst sense, she's uncomfortable with it--and when he persists, he's not observing and respecting her boundaries.

It's very important for a girl in this day and age to have as much experience of her boundaries being respected as possible, IMO. Unfortunately even though our blended family gets along, I think that if I said anything as a non-mom it wouldn't get interpreted correctly so given all the factors & that it's not that serious it isn't worth it...

But since you're the mom, maybe it would be better understood if you said "Hey, you have this wonderful cultural affection with kids. But my DD isn't used to it, and she's generally on the shy side. I want her to feel like she can be shy if she wants to, so I wanted to ask you to follow her lead a bit more with affection..."?


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I think it is a great idea to say something to your dd like "It's ok if you don't want to give kisses right now" Maybe you can discuss it with him and let him know that you think it is important for her to make her own choices about her personal space. I think it is really important for children to be able to trust their instincts and to have adults respect their personal space.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Let your SIL discuss it with him *first*. You talk with her first and let her be aware of your concerns and ask her to bring it up with him in private.

So as not to make it a "Him" issue, she could carefully phrase it to say "Oh, by the way, as a family, we are all going to start giving Niece a little space so she can feel more comfortable around us as a family so we all decided to let HER initate hugs and kisses okay?"

Or something to this effect, but I would speak with SIL *first* and maybe you and she can come up with the best way for *her* to bring this up with him.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Next time he starts in, just tell him straight up - we are trying very hard to teach her it's ok to say no and set boundaries. Even with family. Even with us. I'm sure you understand - you know how it is. Blah blah blah. Like you just assume that now he knows, he will of course get it and want to help you out.

And if he keeps it up, then speak to his SO and have her explain it in private and let him know you're very serious about it, but it's not personal.

Even before I had kids, I was so uncomfortable when my friends and family would nearly force their children to kiss/hug me goodbye. My usual response is, it's ok if you don't want to hug, let's just wave/shake/blow kisses.


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## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

OK, I am thinking of sending this e-mail to all the members on DH's side, this way no one feels singled out and it also addresses the issue of them not giving dd enough space....

"Hi All,

I am sending this out to everyone, because there have been a few things that have been bothering me and I hope that you realize I know that there are no ill intentions here, but I just wanted to point this out. I have noticed that when we all gather that there is a tendancy to hold Grace, hug and kiss her, and try to engage her in play. While this is not a problem (and who wouldn't want to scoop her up? She's too darn cute!), my concern is that Grace is the kind of child who needs a bit more space and needs to do things on her terms.
So please:
When you come in, let her greet you. She is less likely to become overwhelmed if you let her come to you when she is ready.
Ask her if you can pick her up/hug her/kiss her/etc. And respect her decision. If she wants to curl up on your lap she will let you know, same with hugs and kisses. I just don't want her to believe that because the request is coming from an adult that she has to comply, there are too many bad implications this behaviour can have later on. And she also needs to know that her body is her own and if she says "no" to affection it's ok. I have heard, and been guilty of saying it myself "Oh poor (name), no hugs and kisses for them" but she is not responsible for other peoples feelings in this regard and I do not ever want her to feel guilty for not doling out affection that she does not want to hand out. I remember as a child being instructed to go give someone a hug and a kiss that I just did NOT want to, and it always felt awful. That goes for Cameron as well, although the big difference there is that he is able to articulate when he is not comfortable (ie he tells us he is feeling shy), whereas Grace is just learning these things.
Obviously picking her up does not apply when you see her doing something that is dangerous or if you are the one bringing her to the table or so on. My concern is more when she is playing and gets picked up, or constant "Come and see me" from well-meaning visitors. I know that everyone is just trying to show Grace that they love her and trying to spend quality time with her, but I do need everyone to respect her decision when she says "no" or tries to get away."

I'm not sure how to end it, I don't want to overtly say that I am not singling any one person out, but that usually sounds like you have one person in mind when you say that, lol! If anyone has anything to add or edit, please let me know!

And many people have said it's important to empower her...does anyone have any tips on how to do that with a 22 month old? If she was older, like her brother, it would be so easy to just tell her she does not have to hand out affection if she does not feel like it, but where she is so young, how exactly do I teach her that it's ok? I already ask her if she wants up, or if I can have a hug and kiss, and if she says "no" I say "ok"....is there anything I can do?

Thanks for all the responses so far, it's been very helpful and encouraging


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

I think you should just be direct and plainspoken about it with the person involved. A mass email to a bunch of people who aren't involved is only going to cause confusion and possibly conflict in the family (and end up unnecessarily embarrassing the "uncle" if you end up having to explain what you really meant to multiple people).

If you want to teach her that it's her right to say no, start by modeling that one shouldn't be afraid to approach a situation like this directly. Frankly I think you are overconcerned for the "uncle"'s feelings. How are you going to teach your kids that it is OK to say no without beating around the bush or apologizing if you won't even do it yourself, as an adult?

Bear in mind that you have no way of _knowing_ that he is not a perv. It is kind of you and DH to assume that, but you don't know. You need to focus on his obligation to respect your daughter and her feelings, not on respect for him and his "culture." Because frankly I have a lot of Latino relatives and guys pushing unwanted affection on little girls in their new girlfriends' families is _not_ a Latino cultural trait!!!!!!!!

Have you read _Protecting the Gift_ by Gavin DeBecker? I highly recommend it. In a nutshell, this is what he says: Predators take advantage of our fear of offending innocent people. But men who are _really_ innocent are sensitive to the vulnerability of women and children and aren't offended when women and parents protect their own and their children's boundaries.

If you send an avoidant, not-singling-out-anyone-in-particular email like that, and it turns out he really is a predator, you effectively communicate to him that you are reluctant to set boundaries around your child.

Child safety above adult feelings, please.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I wouldn't send it. I know and support what you're trying to do, but unless your family is very very unusual...I just can't see how it will go over well, y'know?

I think your best bet is to step in and say, "It's ok not to hug, why don't you (shake? wave? say hi?) instead" and then to the adult, "We want her to understand it's ok to say no." Really, I think having A Big Talk will take focus off what you're trying to say and just get everyone talking about you being all weird and not wanting people to hug your kid.

In my personal experience, it's just been more successful to state what I want and keep moving as if OF COURSE people are going to do it. You'd be surprised how little opposition I get. I know sometimes my family members go home thinking, "WTH just happened there"









Steamrolling with a smile!


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I have a similar problem with my sisters 3rd husband. He is very affectionate towards little girls in the family, mostly the ones under 6 years old. I have another sibling that witnessed this man kissing their 1 yr old daughter on the lips a few times. We don't know how to approach it. He's weird IMO and I watch my youngest child closely around her. I notice he isn't this way with the little boys in the family only the girls and that worries me. I never let her stay alone around him and we only visit with them on holidays or no more than two or three times in a single year.


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## Dael (Jan 1, 2007)

I'm Cuban and we are very affectionate to our children, one of my kids is not affectionte when I ask him for a Kiss and he says no he blows me a kiss instead.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Give him a link to this post? You worded it out great here and it makes total sense.


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

I think a parent has to take the position that he IS a pervert based on what he's shown you already. This man does not respect boundaries. That's a big deal, IMO. I'd bring the hammer down, make it REAL clear that this a non-negotiable rule. "Back off. Be friendly and polite, but don't attempt to be affectionate." Tell him you have explained to her that she need be responsive to him at all, and in fact, if he was to disobey this rule, she has been given permission to scream her little butt off.

Either she stays in my sight, or you stay in my sight. Not worth risking our little angel faces.

If you can find a nice way to do this, that's great, but, put some balls into the job. Tell him your husband is going to do something.
Good Luck
S


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

You know what? Nevermind. Considering the post above this one, DON'T send him this link.

Viewfinder - Your post disturbs me. Why on earth would it make sense to advise someone to consider a family member/friend to be a pervert, when they have stated that they do not think that the behavior has anything to do with (intended) inappropriateness? It seems like you have some misdirected emotional hostility. While your advice would be valid in a situation INVOLVING someone that was trying to molest a child, in this case it just adds pointless toxicity to the thread and, in my opinion, is not only totally irrelevant, but potentially very harmful.

So much for cultural diversity and open-mindedness... Yay sexism, too. Yep - all men are perverts or potential perverts. Lets teach our little girls to fear all men, starting in toddler-hood. The concept of pervert/molestation/etc should not even exist for a young child - it is the parents job to be a filter, an advocate, and a protector... Not the toddler's responsibility to have a parent teach her to scream if touched. There ARE perverts out there... and I have no idea if this person is one of them. NEITHER DO YOU. The OP, however, seems to feel that he is not, and she is asking for some help on how to cross a cultural barrier tactfully and communicate clearly (thus protecting and advocating for her daughter).

It is hard for someone to respect boundaries that they do not know are there, and you cannot assume that someone will pick up on intentions and subtleties if it is different than their cultural norms. I think that the OP was asking for help on how to create and communicate those boundaries, right?

I also find this sexist: "...put some balls into the job. Tell him your husband is going to do something."
She can be effective without testicles... and the assumption here is that she should threaten violence to this person (and that men are violent enforcers). HOW is that helpful AT ALL to the situation... delicate and inner-family as it is?

Read, think, and post. Do not reverse order.


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## maliceinwonderland (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I think your best bet is to step in and say, "It's ok not to hug, why don't you (shake? wave? say hi?) instead" and then to the adult, "We want her to understand it's ok to say no." Really, I think having A Big Talk will take focus off what you're trying to say and just get everyone talking about you being all weird and not wanting people to hug your kid.

In my personal experience, it's just been more successful to state what I want and keep moving as if OF COURSE people are going to do it. You'd be surprised how little opposition I get. I know sometimes my family members go home thinking, "WTH just happened there"









Steamrolling with a smile!

This is exactly what I did with dd when her grandfather and uncle were doing the "come give so and so a kiss" when she was younger. And I think adding in the "You know how it is these days.." kind of thing gives the message that you don't view them as a danger, and that you fully expect them to get it, and back you up on what you're trying to teach.

Btw, love the phrase "Steamrolling with a smile", that's exactly how I do things!


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