# 4 yo DD lying about physical abuse



## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

This is actually for a very dear friend of mine. She doesn't have internet access atm and is at her wits end with her DD.

She has a 4 yo (almost 5) DD who is very spirited/sensitive, and she has been lying a fair amount recently; mostly about little things.
However, the other day she told her Dad that her Mom had hit her.
Mom absolutely did not, and never has hit her DD, and was (obviously) very distraught at the accusation.

This is not the first time she has lied about this, last year she took a large tumble off of a chair at her Grandparents house (G'parents, Uncles, Aunts, and Parents were all there to see it happen), scraped the side of her face and later that day told a cashier that her Mom had done it to her.

My friend and her DH have been having some marital problems, and their DD has started to play them off of each other in order to get something she wants, and it seems to be escalating.

My friend has talked to her DH about the importance of creating a united front for their DD, but that doesn't seem to be happening.

So, back to the issue at hand: the DD told her Dad that Mommy had hit her hard on the head, Mama corrects DD, saying that no, she hadn't (there was an issue with the DD hurting the toddler, and my friend had separated them and tried to deal with it in a GD way), but the Dad said that he believes DD, she has a good memory, and how Mommy is wrong, etc etc.









So, any insight on this situation? IMO (and my friend's too) it seems obvious that her DD is definitely playing her parents off of each other, but how do they get it to stop?

I guess the more appropriate question would be how does she get it to stop when her DH won't back her up?

I trust her 100% when she tells me that she has never hit her DD. I think marital counseling would be a good thing, but she doesn't think he'd go for it.


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

Bump. Nearly 100 views and no one has any opinion?


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

Sorry. I read it, but I don't really know what to do about it.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

It's not really a GD issue at this point.

It's going to be impossible for that poor mama to resolve this when her DH is not believing her. They need to go to counseling. Your friend is absolutely right, they DO need to put up a united front for their little one.

4/5 years is the time when lying is a developmental stage. My DS had been doing it, and I always say: "That is a lie and it is not true. It isn't nice to tell lies."

I feel so bad for your friend. She tries so hard to GD and now her child is telling people that she hits her.


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## prettyflwrs (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Breeder* 
It's not really a GD issue at this point.

It's going to be impossible for that poor mama to resolve this when her DH is not believing her. They need to go to counseling. Your friend is absolutely right, they DO need to put up a united front for their little one.

4/5 years is the time when lying is a developmental stage. My DS had been doing it, and I always say: "That is a lie and it is not true. It isn't nice to tell lies."

I feel so bad for your friend. She tries so hard to GD and now her child is telling people that she hits her.









I agree.


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## springbabes (Aug 23, 2003)

4 year-olds typically have very active imaginations--I don't know if I'd necessarily call it "lying." It's important to take everything they say with a grain of salt. It's too bad that your friend's husband has so little faith in her--that sounds like a huge problem in a marriage. Unless their child has lots of unexplained bruises there's no reason to assume this is anything other than a 4 year-old's fantasy.

My DS is 4 and has made up stories about physical abuse too. For example, I noticed scrapes on two of his knuckles. I asked him what had happened and he told me that DH had picked him and threw him on the ground really hard twice, once for each knuckle :roll. And when I asked what happened next, he replied, "Well, then I picked Daddy up and threw him in the bathtub!" And I should mention that the finger scrapes happened while he'd been playing outside when DH wasn't even home.

I don't really have any advice except to maybe try to catch the little girl in the "lie."


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

I would suggest that she find some literature on developmental stages, so she can show her dh what is going on, because soon it might be him that she's lying about!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Well a 4 year has a very creative sense of reality. It's completely normal for a 4 year old to say things that aren't factually true.

The bigger issue is that for whatever reason there is a lack of trust between the parents. And that is what needs to be worked on.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Hmmm, well, is this a case of overactive imagination or malicious manipulation?? That's the big thing. Is she using it to garner sympathy, attention, get her mom in trouble, what? What's the payoff for her? Or does she do like my boy and make up all sorts of weird stuff and when pressed when burst into a fit of giggles? Has she been exposed to some sort of violence that she's trying to express her feelings about?

I agree that this isn't really a GD issue anymore; this is going into the kind of stuff that a counsellor or psychologist should be consulted for if it continues. From what I've read, the behaviour is driving a wedge into the marriage and that's just not acceptable. Maybe a little touch of the Elektra complex early?? (Female Oedipal complex) I dunno, this is sad and scary and beyond me if its not just a kid being a goof.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

I think Arduianna and Datura are definitely on to something here. This sounds like a divide and conquer strategy with an unhealthy dose of mistrust between the parents. Why would her dh believe that she's hitting the girl? Has she ever given him a reason to think that? I'm not saying never believe the girl, but a good idea would be to have her explain what happened, and catch her in the lie. If this isn't nipped at the bud now, CPS could be knocking on her door because a teacher or nurse reported the "incident". And that would be lamentable when nothing is really going on. In worst case scenario, she could be accused of abuse, and he of enabling (since the girl told him and he did nothing). Therapy, therapy, therapy. NOW.


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

No, this doesn't seem to be a funny thing for her (the DD). My friend says that she has been doing things like this for some time now; she usually gets what she wants by causing her parents to fight, and then one of them gives in.

To the best of my knowledge my friend has never given her DH reason to distrust her. It sounds like he's just trying to tick her off.

So, what if the DH isn't willing to do counseling?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

With mine, we just ask "Can you tell me more about that?" assuming that they are trying to communicate something (here, maybe, I'm mad at Mommy for the way she dealt with me not playing nicely with the other little kid...maybe something unrelated.)

Listening seems to have worked better than anything when what they are communicating doesn't make any sense to me.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AutumnMama* 
No, this doesn't seem to be a funny thing for her (the DD). My friend says that she has been doing things like this for some time now; she usually gets what she wants by causing her parents to fight, and then one of them gives in.

To the best of my knowledge my friend has never given her DH reason to distrust her. It sounds like he's just trying to tick her off.

So, what if the DH isn't willing to do counseling?

The moms interpretation is that she is doing to cause fights so she gets what she wants. We actually don't know if that is the case or not. Often times parent;s assume things about their kids motivation that is inaccurate. And the fact that the she thinks the dh is just trying to tick her speaks volumes about their relationship.

If a kid is actually attempting to manipulate the parents in this way then the whole family dynamic and their parenting skill need to be evaluated. Because the kid is doing it for a reason. Sounds like she most likely is acting out what is being modeled to her.

And if either parent refuses to go to counseling the other should go alone.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I have not read the other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating anything.

The problem here is with the Mom and Dad, not the daughter. What she's doing (the lying) is very normal at that age. In fact, my son did the very same thing right before he turned 5. He told DF that I had shoved him on the floor and hit him, and my son has never ever had a hand laid on him, ever. Then a few days later he told me DF had slapped his face. DF and I joked that we were sure glad we know and trust eachother so well.









We talked with Alex about the truth, and about the boy who cried wolf .. the point being we need to be able to believe him in case someone ever really DOES lay hands on him.

That phase seemed to pass pretty quickly for him.

So I would worry less about this lying phase and more about the whole family dynamic. Counseling definately sounds in order.


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## Mom2Joseph (May 31, 2006)

I find it sad that no one is even willing to consider that the child is telling the truth.

I'm not passing judgement, and I know that telling stories are common at this age as my own DS does the same.

I agree = therapy, NOW.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I read this book, Slaying Dragons...something something...I'll get the title for you. It was about helping kids with anxiety but it really described how a child might create some reaction because of the family dynamic. It had a "blame the parents" tone but there was something about it that I liked. I'll find the title now.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Monster...8816396&sr=1-1

Taming Monsters, Slaying Dragons.


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## cuddleluvinma (Jun 6, 2006)

I agree with both of these....

Mom2Joseph" I find it sad that no one is even willing to consider that the child is telling the truth."
*I lived with people whom where very respected by many people. Things happened to me in that home that shouldn't have. I never told anyone for fear that no one would believe me. It's an awful feeling. Still to this day, over two decades, I still believe that if I where to tell what had happened it wouldn't be believed by many. Loyalty is good. But, our job as adults is to give some of those loyalties to the children in your lives.

*I'm not saying that it IS happening. Just that IF it is it would be awful for NO ONE to believe her. That could affect her for the rest of her life.
.....and.....

Arduinna
"The moms interpretation is that she is doing to cause fights so she gets what she wants. We actually don't know if that is the case or not. Often times parent;s assume things about their kids motivation that is inaccurate. And the fact that the she thinks the dh is just trying to tick her speaks volumes about their relationship.

If a kid is actually attempting to manipulate the parents in this way then the whole family dynamic and their parenting skill need to be evaluated. Because the kid is doing it for a reason. Sounds like she most likely is acting out what is being modeled to her.

And if either parent refuses to go to counseling the other should go alone."

*I hope that they get this sorted out. What a bad situation.


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