# so called *friend*...



## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

I'M PISSED. ladies, you are not going to believe this. *and i must warn in advance*, *this is sensitive material*, including a _brutal_ joke made by a so-called-FRIEND of ours. (mostly DH's)

so... DH had 2 shows on the weekend, and with all the gear, etc, Lily and i weren't able to fit in the van this time. (we usually go to visit my parents when he plays shows over that way) so friday night was awesome, then saturday night he was playing in my hometown on his birthday with a couple other bands, one of them being his good buddy (we'll call him 'J')'s band.
so everyone's hanging out, having a good time, J's band is going on right before DH's.
both J (and DH) are known for their stage banter containing a really weird and twisted sense of humor... it's usually just hilarious stuff like making jokes about all the girls in that particular town who just sit around and text message eachother but never really actually hang out, how all the girls are pretty and the dudes are horrid and that they're all lucky cause living there they all have a 100% chance of scoring a bombshell etc... pretty harmless stuff, (and really funny to a crowd of show kids who happen to BE texting at that moment and get busted...)
but THIS oh.... THIS. WAS. IT.
J starts off his set with "so what's funnier than a dead baby? NOTHING!"
and followed up with announcing DH's birthday...
*W T F ?!*

he came home today and told me about it. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. this guy KNOWS what we've just been through and are STILL going through, and has been a friend of DH's for YEARS. i asked DH if he said/did anything about it, he said he was so blown away by it that he didn't/couldn't.
so i did. i just wrote a message to 'J' ripping him a new a$$hole.

lying in bed an hour ago i felt like my blood pressure was so high that it was going to come out my eyes. felt like i was going to throw up when DH told me about it. the whole thing hasn't sat well with me. at ALL.

i'm really glad i tore into him about it, cause he _deserves_ to hear about how that joke impacted DH (and myself). but i'm still bothered.
how do i let this go?


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

that sounds horrid







I'm so sorry your DH's friend thought it was okay to joke about that.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

yes, i'm glad you tore into him too! that's just despicable.

you know, my only thought is wondering if this guy is on drugs??? how could someone think that is acceptable say?

i'm so sorry. if someone "close" to dh said that, i would be livid.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

uhhhhhhhhhhh,














, wth is that ABOUT? was this like a comedic skit? did people laugh?
oh my...even before i lost a child, if i heard that i would be livid. i would have left (i know you weren't there), but if i was i would have been








your husband did the right thing by telling you this; i would certainly want to know. and i definitely would say something or write something to said 'friend'. that person is not his friend. i know some people just don't know what to say. some say nothing, others just say "i'm sorry for your loss", and that's it, but people can't go joking about this.
and how on earth is it funny?


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I cannot believe that. Wow.

I'm glad you said something to him. I would ask DH to say something to him too, just so the "friend" KNOWS it wasn't appropriate and doesn't think it was just a reaction from you, does that make sense?









I certainly would have left if I was in the audience.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

I have never understood that kind of "humour" and it's REALLY not funny







I worked for ChaCha (i would search online and answer questions via text messages) and I had to STOP working there because they had a whole "dead baby joke" section...







It's just horrible, disgusting, sad, sickening and cruel. I have NEVER understood why people think it's funny









I think you did the right thing by sending J a message and letting him have it. Where you go from here? I'm not sure. I do know that nothing J says will ever take that pain away from you or dh, and you will always be waiting for him to make another rude, horrible "joke" or comment. Seems like the Jokes have gone to far. I hope you, in time, come to terms with J and what was said, because it's not doing any good for you to keep that pain and anger locked in. I hope you were able to educate J about how bad jokes can hurt, and that one should never joke about a dead baby








My thoughts are with you tonight


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

I haven't been where you are, I can only imagine how much that hurt, so I couldn't not reply.
A lot of times guys (and some girls) act like a$$holes to cover the fact that something hurts, or makes them feel awkward and powerless. Try not to take this as a lack of him caring for you ad DH, or your situation. But an immature, insensitive, awkward attempt to cover his insecurities.
I am sure I've said inappropriate things in the past. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't know what else to say, and I wasn't smart enough to keep my mouth shut. You're MORE than justified in being angry. Just try not to take this as any sort of attack on you.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I am speechless.







Good for you for telling him how it is. Have you gotten a response?


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

OMG... OMG... What in san heck is wrong with that guy... I am sorry that that had to happen to your husband... NOT A FRIEND!


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

What a disgusting, callous, sick thing to say.









I am so sorry.


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## geekgolightly (Apr 21, 2004)

These days I'm pretty sensitive to jokes of that nature and wouldn't see anything funny in it, but I don't think it's out of left field for someone to make a dead baby joke. When I was a kid, everyone was telling dead baby jokes. Books were made on the subject giving hundreds of jokes as material for the budding kid comic. And most people see them as harmless and ridiculous.

Of course they aren't. Especially to people who have been through what we have been through.

If he has any moral center, when he receives your text he will realize how awful that must have been for your DH to hear and he will apologize. I just don't think he's a demon for making that joke. Thoughtless, yes.


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KeyToMamasHeart* 
how do i let this go?

Nothing says you have to. I wouldn't. That wasn't just insensitive, it was cruel.


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

Okay, I totally get why you are upset and offended. I cannot say that I would not have been. But I am someone who makes jokes off the cuff and I have even made those kind of comments recently about our situation because that is one way I process and handle grief. Making stupid, jokey comments.

Please don't hurt me too badly--

But--

Perhaps seeing your DH his friend had your miscarriage on his mind. Is he the kind of guy that could say that he's so sorry and been thinking about your family? Probably not. So instead he goes up on stage and cracks a joke to deal with it.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset but I come from the family of "say the wrong thing because you can't figure out how to say the right thing". If he is truly a friend and has been a good friend to your DH hopefully he will apologize and try to patch things up.

Could this be the case?

If not, no worries! He's a UAV who deserved to have his head removed from his "wrecked em".

I'm sorry you and your DH are having to deal with this...

Jenne


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

Wow. BIZARRE! I'm so sorry that happened and hope he thinks long and hard before doing something like that again. I guess it is possible that he never even made the connection between his "joke" and your DH--other people seem to forget so quickly.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

First of all...




























Yeah, I'm basically going to be echoing everything that everyone else said on here but how in the world is that funny??? Did people laugh??? And if they did, I would want to rip each of THEM a new one too!!!! OMG

You were absolutely right to be angry at him. I call that "righteous anger" and that is absolutely OK!!! OMG

Maybe a sensitive question... but did your husband do anything so that this guy would realize that he's an a$$??? I mean, it sounds like they're basically "business partners" but the line between business and personal DEFINITELY got crossed. I think your husband needs to back you up on this.

How to move on? Wow... I couldn't exactly say. I pray... and crochet... and watch the Disney channel to get my mind off of the sadness. But then again, I don't have an insensitive pr!ck saying horrible things about an absolutely devastating occurence that so many women have to experience!!!





























I'm so sorry...


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Stupid people...


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

thank you ladies! i feel better knowing you're here.

"J" called i guess this morning, 9:30am but didn't leave a message and i wasn't up yet.
i just think it's CRUEL y'know? he KNOWS we lost our daughter, and lost her full term at that, he KNOWS what we went through... the funeral, the pain, he was actually one of the people who called as soon as he found out to see how we were doing. so to me, there's no excuse for it.

i'm feeling a little bit better now that i've slept, but i don't regret for one second writing to him last night while i was so angry. i would probably say the same things i said last night if i were to write it now.
i, too, have never found jokes like that funny. i've always hated them. i have a whole new hatred for them now, and it amps by millions when it comes from someone i know.
as for being on drugs, he thinks they're super lame like we do and doesn't touch anthing but beers. but even if he was drunk...

and i know some people don't know what to say... and will make jokes... i actually have a sort of soft spot for most of these people because i have been there too, not knowing what to say... feeling totally awkward...
but this was like a wrecking ball to my gut. i felt/feel like i have to stick up for DH too, he wasn't gonna say anything and just sit with it. i can't do that. he hasn't said anything to 'J' yet, but i hope he does.

so... i don't know if he was trying to get hold of me or DH when he called this morning, (seeing as i was the one who contacted him) but one of the things i wrote in there was that he'd better start to work on one awesome apology to DH, and that it had better be [email protected]$%*&g FANTASTIC.

i will totally update when/if 'J' gets hold of one of us.

i'm just so glad i have this place. and all of you. you hold me up, you really do. thank you


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I don't even know what to say. That's so horrible.


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## sharr610 (May 14, 2008)

. That sucks. Thats wrong.

I remember once, being in grad school, and this otherwise sensitive guy did a marketing project about dead babies and thought it was hilarious. I remember lots of us being up in arms, but other smart, sensitive men and women thinking it was really funny.

I did a lot of thinking about that moment and thought about the Jonathan Swift piece. Its total satire to many people. Dead babies being the ultimate NOT FUNNY thing that, when put in a different context is suddenly funny to lots of people. Its like the bad plane crash jokes that people made after 911. Its a way people deal with an otherwise un-deal-able situation, make sense of senselessness, etc.

It doesn't make it any easier to hear from a dear friend. It doesn't make what he said was right. BUT, if he has been a good friend for a long time, if he was the first one to call and see how you all were after the loss, if he called after your text, he is obviously not a heartless guy who would want to hurt either of you, probably just a good guy who had a really big lapse in judgement for a moment.

Again, doesn't make it ANY better to have heard, doesn't make it hurt any less, but, personally, I wouldn't write him off. I'd expect an apology, but would then move on.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Oh my gosh, this would have just made me livid. I had a friend who made a 'joke', saying that good wine was made out of dead baby blood. I was just stunned. I didn't know what to say, so I pretended he hadn't said it. It made me so angry and sad, though. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and told him how his stupid joke made you feel. I'm sure he'll think twice before he says anything like that again. My friend, on the other hand, has gone on to make another dead baby joke. It's so NOT COOL!


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Wow, in reading all these responses after mine, I had NO idea that dead baby jokes were so popular. I have never heard a dead baby joke.







But I suppose these explanations are more likely than mine that he is on drugs. Whatever, Key2mama'sHeart, I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. (((hugs)))


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

seems like a lot of people are more compassionate than i am and are trying to find the best in what happened. i'm sorry to say, he would be kicked to the curb as my friend. i wouldn't tell dh what to do, but he wouldn't be allowed near me. when we lost my daughter, it was hard, but i HAD to accept it. i couldn't bring her back, but i could control what people were allowed to be near me or have an influence in my grief, ya know? i felt like some were pushing me back down when i was getting up (all on my own!). OP: i hope you do what is best for you and your family and i know i sound really bitter (i am), but just giving a different point of view. the no excuses one.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am just so sorry.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I have to agree that it is pretty outrageous that people joke about these types of things.
Having said that, alot of the time: Men. Don't. Think.
Call it foot in mouth disease. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be pissed, or that you shouldn't yell at him - just that sometime people say stupid stuff.

Take my DP for instance, the other night I was joking with him about some hot actress on tv, and he said: 'don't worry babe, I prefer plain jane types'.
Wow, thanks for the compliment LOL.

I know thats not the same, and he obviously hurt you.


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

omgosh seriously ladies, if it weren't for you...









so 'J' called again, around noon and DH talked to him. i guess he got my message early this morning, went in to work, and came home not an hour later because he felt SO bad about it, that it was making him sick. he asked his drummer what to do and he said to just call and somehow try to make it right.

he told DH what happened that night was this:
he started out the set saying "let's start with a joke people..." and someone from the crowd yelled out "DEAD BABY!" (DH didn't hear that part) and then he just blurted it out without thinking.
he actually cried toward the end of the conversation on the phone to DH, and after apologizing a million ways to DH, he asked DH to please apologize to me as he didn't think he would be able to talk to me and not fall apart.

i'm SO GLAD he called and apologized. DH said i was fully and completely justified in writing to him from being so hurt and angry. (and he was glad i did because he too, didn't want to leave it as it was.)

i don't want to hold this against 'J', i think his awesome apology really set some things back to normal.
'J' also said from now on he's going to really think about what's NOT GOOD to EVER blurt out on stage. (like DB, drunk driving, cancer jokes etc...)
i'm happy with that.
DH said he thinks he should feel bad about it for a while. i do too and i still feel hurt by the whole ordeal but i have no intention of 'punishing' him further about it, yk?

so i guess that's over... maybe i'll sleep tonight? i've been having bouts of nausea all friggin day and i don't know if it's from this or something ELSE?...
xo


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

So glad that you got it sorted! It takes a strong character to admit you are wrong and apologize. Obviously he values your friendship and didn't mean to hurt you intentionally. He probably won't forget either.
Fingers crossed the nausea has a different culprit


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so glad to hear he was so remorseful, and definitely glad to hear that he didn't initiate the "joke" himself. Not that it makes it okay, but it gives an explanaition other than him just being a jerk!


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

Oh, I'm so glad that he was able to stand up and apologize. Wow. He really is a good friend! I hope you feel better from your nausea.









Jenne


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

You know you are living in a real life idiocracy when that's the kind of "funny" people enjoy. I don't care who you are or where your from... Making light of dead babies is just plain ugly. Its just a matter of being insensitive and ignorant. Not funny. Not a joke. Not acceptable. Just MEAN! BOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOO!







People like that scare me!!


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## TTC Catholic (Jul 7, 2008)

I am so sorry this happened to you. Sadly, it doesn't surprise me after many of the experiences I have had. I have found that tragic situations bring out both the best and the worst in people. Anyone who couldn't be sensitive enough to respect what you & your DH have experienced is not somebody you want in your life. As my mom would say, with friends like that, who needs enemies? I know how badly this hurts. You're already dealing with the grief of losing your precious baby (who I will keep in my prayers), plus you may be dealing with postpartum hormones, so you are in an emotionally vulnerable place. Anyone who would take advantage of that situation is not worthy of your friendship. You need to surround yourself by those who love you, will be positive, strong, and support you through this painful time (and who will always be there for you). You deserve lots of love and support. Many hugs to you.









~ Kristin


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

even with his apology (which is good!) i still don't get it. he could have said, "dead baby? well ANYTHING is funnier than THAT." you know?







i would try not to hold a grudge, but for me that would take a lot of work.


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

thanks to all of you







you're all amazing women and i can't thank you enough for just... being here. i wish all of us _weren't_ here... but since we are, i'm glad we at least we have eachother








xoxoxoxo


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