# WTF was she thinking?!?!?



## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

So, my "friend" just emailed me. Her daughter is pregnant, due within days of when I was, announcing the gender. I *really* did not need to hear that, knowing I should've been finding out soon too. What a freakin' slap in the face.

Should I respond? What should I say without being too big of a &%#@^??


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

I am really sorry that this happened to you. I am approaching what would have been my EDD and I somehow ended up with a lot of friends due at the same time. It is so hard to listen to them complain about being tired of being pregnant, etc... when I would be happy to have those issues instead of a big hole in my heart









Anyway, I don't think people *think* about these things... they forget, get wrapped up in their own joy, etc... which they should be. I try to remember that they have the right to express their joy/frustrations the same as I have the right to still mourn my loss.

For me, my loss(es) will always be with me. Whether other people I know have babies or not. It is a sadness that is now part of me forever. When I witness other's joy it doesn't "make" my pain, it just reminds me of it. That makes me feel less angry towards them (if that makes sense). It puts me in control of my reaction. I can simply feel the pang and move on or I can choose to be bitter towards them. Sometimes I feel like getting past it and focusing on the future and other times I allow myself to feel bitter. But it is always my choice.

I hope that makes sense. I just recently figured it out and it is hard ot put into words. But it has really helped me get through this time where I would have been meeting my baby, but I am still trying to get pregnant.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Yeah, I get that she's excited and all, but seriously, to throw that in my face was really, really low to me.


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## Snugglebugmom (Mar 17, 2008)

I think letting you know like that was horribly insensitive, considering you were due around the same time. She should have waited a couple of months or so, and could have mentioned it in passing at some point, like:"Oh, did I tell you? So-and-so is having a girl." and then move on. I can totally understand that you felt like you were slapped in the face. Very unthinking of a "friend".


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i don't think she was trying to give you a slap in the face... but maybe expressing her joy of what is going on in her life.

having had three losses myself, i try and always remember that not everyone is as wrapped up in the sadness as i am. not even my dh.
i would hate for someone to feel like they could not share their joys with me even while i am experiencing sadness. being with in that circle of life has always given me hope.

anyway many many ((hugs)) to you. and i am so sorry for your loss.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

I'm not replying, because it wouldn't be very nice words I send. It gives me ***0*** hope at all that she gets her baby, and I get nothing but tears, grief, and sadness.

It's a boy, of course. Just what I'm longing for desperately, of course. I just knew it, and I bet that girl at work is having a boy as well. I'ms ure she will be announcing that in a couple weeks or so.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i feel very bad for you. i am not sure how long ago your loss was, but it is obviously still very close to the surface for you.
please be careful how you react to others in their time of joy. being so full of anger will not bring back that baby. why would you say something mean to someone just because they are having a baby and you are not? what would happen if later down the line you find yourself pregnant again and some one close to you looses a baby, would you want them to be mad at you for being pregnant?
right before my most recent loss a friend at work was also pregnant. even when i miscarried, i was happy for her. i was happy she continued to share her joys and struggles, and the sex of her baby. i couldn't imagine being mad at her for her still being pregnant OR for her to keep her mouth shut when she is so full of life and joy.
i hope you find some peace soon, it is not good for the soul to be so full of anger.

many many hugs.

h


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. We have two bookmark babies at our offices (my DH's friend had their son weeks before ours was born and a friend of mine at work had her son a couple of months after).

Do you think it's possible that your friend didn't want to leave you out - that it might hurt your feelings more if she told her other friends and didn't tell you (say you found out through the grapevine that she had announced and you weren't included in the announcement - would that have been upsetting, too)?

You know her best - if she's normally sensitive then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's clueless just add her to your list of those who show you who they really are in times like this. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about my friends.

Probably the best thing she could have done would have been to send you an email to let you know that she didn't want to leave you out, that she knows the news might be difficult and acknowledge your grief.

Seeing other kids close to the age my son would have been (he would have been two in August) is hard. I know that I will carry that pain and longing with me for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaofthree* 
i feel very bad for you. i am not sure how long ago your loss was, but it is obviously still very close to the surface for you.
please be careful how you react to others in their time of joy. being so full of anger will not bring back that baby. why would you say something mean to someone just because they are having a baby and you are not? what would happen if later down the line you find yourself pregnant again and some one close to you looses a baby, would you want them to be mad at you for being pregnant?
right before my most recent loss a friend at work was also pregnant. even when i miscarried, i was happy for her. i was happy she continued to share her joys and struggles, and the sex of her baby. i couldn't imagine being mad at her for her still being pregnant OR for her to keep her mouth shut when she is so full of life and joy.
i hope you find some peace soon, it is not good for the soul to be so full of anger.

many many hugs.

h

I'm sorry, but I just can't be happy for others right now. My loss was a little over 2 months ago, so still very painful.

I was having a pretty good day so far, til I got that email. She could've waited to tell me. She could've thought about what I'm going through, or how it might affect me before hitting "Send".


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. We have two bookmark babies at our offices (my DH's friend had their son weeks before ours was born and a friend of mine at work had her son a couple of months after).

Do you think it's possible that your friend didn't want to leave you out - that it might hurt your feelings more if she told her other friends and didn't tell you (say you found out through the grapevine that she had announced and you weren't included in the announcement - would that have been upsetting, too)?

You know her best - if she's normally sensitive then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. If she's clueless just add her to your list of those who show you who they really are in times like this. I learned a lot about myself and a lot about my friends.

Probably the best thing she could have done would have been to send you an email to let you know that she didn't want to leave you out, that she knows the news might be difficult and acknowledge your grief.

Seeing other kids close to the age my son would have been (he would have been two in August) is hard. I know that I will carry that pain and longing with me for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you.

No, I wouldn't have been upset to find out through the grapevine - I would've preferred that, or an email later on that acknowledged that it might've been painful to hear at the time.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I'm so sorry. Obviously the grief is still very raw for you.


















That said, I don't think she was *thinking* about anything at all except the joy that new life is for their family. And if she *had* thought about it, she had a good chance of still being wrong, because while some would feel hurt by a direct announcement, others would feel hurt by someone not telling them out of fear of hurting them. It's a no-win situation for everyone. When we're hurting that much from the loss of a little one, there are just so many raw emotional nerve endings that we're ripe for further pain even when that's the last thing on the mind of those around us.

Right now it may be just too much to ask that you be "happy for her". I totally understand that. But I do think that it is unfair to those around us to channel that grief into anger at them because their life seems to be going along hummingly while ours is shattered.


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## Multimomma (Jan 25, 2008)

Quote:

And if she *had* thought about it, she had a good chance of still being wrong, because while some would feel hurt by a direct announcement, others would feel hurt by someone not telling them out of fear of hurting them. It's a no-win situation for everyone.










I am feeling your pain. I've lost four myself, three of them late enough to hold little bodies. Following those, there is nothing people could have done right. And now I'm on the other side, my SIL just lost a baby during birth, and I got pregnant the weekend she lost her baby. Our relationship really sucks right now because she doesn't want to hear things are going well, but she doesn't want me to act like things are wrong. I honestly can't say or do anything right, and I really understand why because I've been there.

Allow yourself to mourn. It's a side of life that people, if they're lucky, don't ever have to feel, witness or experience. Have you talked to a grief group about it yet? It took me a year to do so, and it's been two years since my last loss and we still have his remains. I can't bring myself to do anything with them. I've gotten pregnant, had a baby, and gotten pregnant again. But he's still there. The others were all buried within two days of birth, so I get to hold on to him until I'm ready.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

I haven't talked to a group or therapist yet. I'm calling on Monday morning to schedule an appointment.


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt. We miscarried around the same time, I know how fresh the pain is.









Recently a friend announced (in an email) that she was pregnant with her fourth child, with lots of exclamation points. I was shocked at the lack of sensitivity in the announcement, it hurt. I had to remind myself (and am even still reminding myself 3 weeks later) that all she is thinking about right now is her happy news, and I don't have to feel happy, but there's no reason for me to rain on her parade, so I congratulated her.

People who have never experienced a loss, and some who have, do not know how to handle these kinds of situations. I've had 1 friend announce her pregnancy to me (after my third loss) with incredible kindness and sensitivity. ONE. But what seemed kind to me might hurt another's feelings. It's so individual.


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## Multimomma (Jan 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama~Love* 
I haven't talked to a group or therapist yet. I'm calling on Monday morning to schedule an appointment.











I'm glad to hear it. I'm thinking of you. It's really hard, especially when you have older children because a lot of people dismiss the pain that we feel as we should be thankful for what we have, and it shouldn't hurt so much, and and and. Hello! It doesn't work that way. If you ever want to email me, I'm a listening ear. I lost my first child, and then had seven with no problem, then lost three in a row. It was a nightmare because of the dismissal I received from everyone. And it hurt even more.

lots of hugs, and lots of thoughts. Two months is so very little.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Thanks hannybanany & Multimomma. I appreciate it. So sorry you've gone through that, especially many times, how awful.








's!


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm sorry. Shortly before my son's due date I got an email (part of a mass email, so not to me specifically) announcing the birth of an acquaintance's baby (a boy, of course). She had been due a couple weeks after me. It hurt so much (and of course she included a picture of her beautiful new SON) and caught me off guard, all I could do was cry and cry. I never have congratulated her or anything. At the same time I know it probably never occured to her that it would be like a knife in my heart, I don't even know how much of my loss she knows about (we're members of a small group so she just sent the email to the group).

I don't know. It hurts, I know.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

people just don't get it. Since we lost our baby in March, I have received multiple birth announcements. One in particular made me completely end my friendship with the woman and her husband. They never even acknowledged that I lost my baby. Then they sent me a birth announcement knowing I was in great pain. They just were not thinking of my loss, just their own joy. And I understand that. I'm sure I've done the same to others without even knowing it. But, it still hurts. Both my SIL are pregnant right now. One, who I have no relationship with is due almost exactly on my due date. I can't even go to my MIL house right now because it is full of new baby gifts and excitement. While I understand it, it makes me angry because I feel like a little more effort could be made to protect my broken heart. But, then again, why should everyone walk around on eggshells for me. It's so hard.
I'm sorry for your loss.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

just wanted to add after reading some more that I also feel like everyone around me is pregnant with girls.....of course, and I feel very angry at some people (such as my sil) for getting what they want while I got months and months of grief. The anger is just a mask for the deep sadness caused by the death of your sweet babe. I always wish people just wouldn't tell me they were pregnant. I understand the anger. It isn't fair. Not at all.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamapajama* 
people just don't get it. Since we lost our baby in March, I have received multiple birth announcements. One in particular made me completely end my friendship with the woman and her husband. They never even acknowledged that I lost my baby. Then they sent me a birth announcement knowing I was in great pain. They just were not thinking of my loss, just their own joy. And I understand that. I'm sure I've done the same to others without even knowing it. But, it still hurts. Both my SIL are pregnant right now. One, who I have no relationship with is due almost exactly on my due date. I can't even go to my MIL house right now because it is full of new baby gifts and excitement. While I understand it, it makes me angry because I feel like a little more effort could be made to protect my broken heart. But, then again, why should everyone walk around on eggshells for me. It's so hard.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Wow, I feel the same way. I get that their happy, but think about *my* feelings too, darn it! It's also the no acknowledging of my lost baby that really makes me angry! S/he WAS here, WAS real, had a beating heart, if ever so short, and I loved him/her so much for their brief life. To completely dismiss that is really insensitive and heartless.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama~Love* 
I was having a pretty good day so far, til I got that email. She could've waited to tell me. She could've thought about what I'm going through, or how it might affect me before hitting "Send".

I completely understand your pain - my due date should have been in just a little over a week. I too am surrounded by pregnant women - two of which are my sisters - and they all seem to be having the little girl I was dreaming of before my loss. In fact my sister shared her good news of her pregnancy with me just weeks after my loss. I'm betting that in her excitement over the news she never imagined that it would hurt you - those that have not suffered the pain of a loss don't realize how long a mom may grieve for the loss of her child. If you can, send a simple reply that says "congratulations" and put it past you. Believe me, I know how much it hurts to see others have so easily what seems so hard for us to have. I try to reserve my moments of sadness for late at night when the rest of the world around me is asleep - it just seems easier that way.

Hugs to you - I can completely understand your pain.


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