# Baby died in Labor



## JMFS (Jul 12, 2004)

My 6th child, a son named Conner, was born with no signs of life after 2 hours of pushing on June 7th. The midwife, and my husband, heard his heart beating a few minutes before his head emerged. They worked on him for 18 minutes and could not get his lungs to inflate or his heart to start. The only thing we were offered was that his chest cavity was small and that soemthing may have been wrong with his lungs. I was too numb to make any decisions and my husband really didn't want an autopsy..he just couldn't handle it. I have been told that many times the results are inconclusive and I can mostly live the the lung thing as cause but I just wish I could hear of other mother's who lost babies at the last minute like this.
I have been reading other mother's stories all over the internet hoping to find someone with a similar story.
I am trying to work through my grief. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere because I already have 5 kids so I shouldn't complain, yet I am aching to get preganant again..not knowing if I could do it.
I turned 40 the week after Conner's birth and feel like time is running out. I can't get back to my regular life and feel hopeless sometimes which is hard on my other kids, 3, 8, 10, 14 and 16.


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## shanetedissac (Apr 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JMFS*
I feel like I do not fit in anywhere because I already have 5 kids so I shouldn't complain









every child is special.


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine the grief you must feel. This baby was your child. It doesn't matter if you already had 20 children. You loved him for him. I recently miscarried (nothing even close to what you experienced) and also felt guilty for being so upset as I already have five children. I then realized that it wouldn't have mattered if this baby would have been my first or my 12th. I loved him/her and felt the loss deeply.

I wish I could say something to help you. I can only offer my support.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I am so so sorry for your loss


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## weesej (Apr 19, 2003)

My heart and prayers are with you. It is very unusual to not be able to get the lungs to inflate, it certainly does sound as if there was a problem there and also if the chest was small. There are times when lungs incompletely form and there is no way to fix or repair that even if baby is born alive. Let yourself and all your family grieve this baby. Was this a home birth?

Feeling hopeless is normal. And certianly life not getting back to normal is---life has forever changed. As time goes on you will find a new norm.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.









There are mamas here who lost their babies, and I can't imagine anyone ever ever suggesting that you don't get to mourn for ANY reason. If they do, they're wrong.
Welcome to the boards, but I'm sorry that you're here because your son died.


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## HRC121799 (Aug 8, 2003)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Welcome to MDC. I wish you were brought here under different circumstances though.

I'm so sorry for your loss.







I lost a baby soon after birth (but we did know she would pass though) so I do understand the wanting to be pregnant again. Take care of yourself, it's sounds so trite I know, but please try. Honor your baby Connor for the son, grandson, nephew, cousin and brother that he is and forever will be. Don't let anyone forget that!! You are his mama!!!


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## China white (Mar 29, 2004)

mama

Words cannot express the pain I imagine you must be feeling. Please, don't question *ANY* feelings you have right now - they are *ALL* valid. Of course you're mourning - the number of children you had previously does not diminish the pain you're going through now.

I'm glad you found this board - the mamas here have a wisdom and compassion about them like I've never seen anywhere else. Please post your grief, rage, sorrow, or whatever else you're feeling, whenever you feel it.








I'm soooo sorry, mama.


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## darlindeliasmom (Nov 19, 2001)

JMFS: I PM'ed you...

Take care of yourself. With much love, Mary


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I believe each child is special and different, and how can you not have the right to grieve over the loss of your son because you have more children. you have all the right to feel pain, I'm so sorry you are going through this.







's to you and your family. I will say a prayer for your baby boy







's


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. Like PPs have said, just because he was not your first or second, or third, etc. does not matter. He was your baby, your son...I am just so sorry that you have to experience this.







s







s


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

I agree with the things the ladies here have already said. Your precious son Connor is no less special because he was baby #6. If anyone implies that you should feel any less sad because of his passing is being way out of line.

Words seem so meek at this point.... I cant imagine your pain. Gemini is right - do try take care of yourself.









We are here for you if you need to vent or share your feelings.









You are in my thoughts...


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I can't imagine your grief. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through this right now.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Every baby is special and important.









I am so terribly sorry for your loss.


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss!









When I was 10 my mom lost my brother, Jevin, at the last minute. The cord had been wrapped around his neck and choked him as he came down the birth canal. No matter if its your 1st or 10th baby, they are special and it is not fair. Your family will be in my thoughts.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry, Connor is very special and always will be. Please talk and share here and know that NOBODY here will ever imply that Connor should be missed less because he was number 6.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

i am so sorry you lost your baby boy. It doesn't matter if he was your 1st or your 10th you loved him and always will. You have every right to feel all of the mix of emotions you are feeling now. Connor will always have a special place in your heart.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm so sorry that you lost Conner.
Know that this is a truly safe space where you can express all of your emotions around Conner's death. We understand how loved and wanted he was and is, no apologies or qualifiers.


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Thats so sad, and grieving is so important, for you and your family. Sorry for your loss, and take the time you need for yourself. There are some homeopathics like Ignatia and flower remedies like Sweet Chestnut, Elm or Oak, and even Rescue Remedy that can help too, nothing takes the pain away I know but it can help with your feelings and to deal with everything that seems so overwhelming.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

JMFS, a warm and gentle welcome to you







I'm so sorry that losing Connor is what brought you here









Many women here have lost babies in a similar way. Though I greive for every one of them - I'm thankful that we have this place to come and join together for strength and support.

You're story reminds me much of another member XM. This is the birth story of her dd http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=Xiola+Rose - you may find some comfort in reading her words.

Please feel free to talk about Connor - his memory will be honored here.


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## shimmer (Mar 17, 2003)

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of Conner.







rs:

My story is similar to yours. On 8/1/03, my daughter, Livia, died during labor. I was 40w5d pregnant with her.

I had had a very normal pregnancy and what seemed to be a normal labor. At the beginning of labor (around 12:30-1:00), Livia was wiggling and moving like normal. Labor progressed quickly and by 4:45 we were off to the hospital. When I got there I was 6cm and completely effaced. But, they could not find the heartbeat with the monitor. Within 5 minutes my doctor had arrived, I was dialated to 9cm and she'd placed a fetal scalp monitor. Her words were: "Oh good, got a better heartrate." It turns out in very few cases (ones that end in stillbirth) the scalp monitor can pick up the mother's heartbeat instead and that is what they speculate happened.

Livia was born at 5:14, about 15 minutes after our arrival to the hospital. She was coded and an attempt to revive her was done for about 25 minutes. She never breathed on her own and they never had a heartbeat. The speculation is that she died within an hour of delivery.









I hope that my story makes you feel less alone, it comforts me to know that I'm not the only one and my sweetie isn't the only one to experience this. (Although it is horrible that *any* family go through this!)

It doesn't matter the number of children you have....you wanted Conner and he isn't here and that isn't right. You have EVERY right to be heartbroken.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat about our similar stories. It isn't often you meet someone with a loss during labor. ((hugs))


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss mama. Conner is so loved. Regardless if Conner was your first or 10th child, he still is yours...
I hope you come and join us here. Please continue to share your grief and everything else that happens along the way.

Love to you Conner's Mama...

~Jackie


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## yorkies (Jul 20, 2004)

HI! I'm so sorry this has happend. I too have a son in heaven that only lived 1 week after birth. AND... I just had a miscar. last month. I want another one SO bad!!







By the way, I have 6 kids and two steps. The one I just lost would have been number 9. (10 counting Christopher in heaven) I'm hurting and I know you are too! God bless you, PM me if you would like to chat.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

I am so sorry to hear about little Conner. I also lost a son 2 years ago because of complications in labor. Even though I still grieve I am not good with words and there really are no words to describe the empathy I feel or what you are going through. Please feel free to pm me too if you like. I was also a child who lost an infant sibling so I am sending loving thoughts to your other children.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I'm very sorry for your loss and sorry that I can't offer any help but I appricate it when people listen to me so if you ever need an ear...


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## milk4two (Mar 20, 2003)

I am so sorry. I wish you peace and comfort.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

I too, lost my daughter Sophia just this past February. She was stillborn quite unexpectedly, after a very normal, healthy pregnancy and normal labor. With Sophia too, there were good heart tones and the midwives even saw her head move as I was pushing. We suspect it was a last minute cord accident of some kind.......I suspect we'll never know for sure. She was born white and unresponsive, never breathing and never drawing breath. She was my 2nd child, and was my husband's first.

JMFS, I am so sorry that this twist in the road has brought you here......but "here" is a very good place to be. The women on this board are compassionate, supportive, and wise. Educate yourself about the grieving process, if you are not already familiar with it. I will warn you now that you may run into some pretty insensitive remarks from people........and that is when you can "running" to us........we have "been there, done that....hated it!" probably more time than we care to count.......

Take good care of yourself, feel all your emotions fully, journal (it really does help!!!!!) and come hang our with us whenever you want to......Connor will be honored and treasured if and when you want to share him with us.

With much compassion,

Jen


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## JMFS (Jul 12, 2004)

I have been reading all of your replies. Thank you so much for your thoughts and wishes and prayers. When I heard that others have had this happen, I felt less alone. Much of what I have read in books and on the internet focuses on death before labor. I felt like the only person who had it happen during labor and it was not a cord accident. It doesn't make it any better but I do feel less alone.
I haven't felt much like writing but I have been reading a lot which I have found comforting.

Someone asked if she could be over her grief so soon. I felt the same way about one week after my son's funeral. I called my closest friend and told her that I must be a monster because I was over it. She assured me that I wasn't and that I just needed a break from the intensity. She was right and I was far from over it. Even now, almost 7 weeks later, when I have a good day I think I am getting on ok then I get hit again. When I feel ok, it is almost as bad as feeling bad. That is the thing about all of this. Nothing is right. My sister called to tell me that our niece was in labor. SHe wasn't sure whether to tell me or not but wanted to give me some time to adjust. I told her that there are no right answers anymore. I was upset to hear the news but would have been upset to be excluded from the news.

The grief just comes in waves. When I do not deal with it, it wells up like a volcano inside of me and eventually has to come out. It does help to know that what I am feeling is normal and takes a long time.
I went for my 6 week check up the other night to the birth center where my son was born. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
I know I have time to decide but I am plagued by what to do about another pregnancy. If you have been here, how have you decided what to do and when?


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I was the one who asked about being over my grief too soon. I'm glad to know i'm not alone in that respect. I guess I spoke to soon. Your right it does come in waves. I still feel like I should be more upset about it but with all the other probs going on i feel like i don't have as much time to think about it. But who knows maybe it's better to take a break once in awhile.


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JMFS*
IThe grief just comes in waves. When I do not deal with it, it wells up like a volcano inside of me and eventually has to come out. It does help to know that what I am feeling is normal and takes a long time.
I went for my 6 week check up the other night to the birth center where my son was born. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
I know I have time to decide but I am plagued by what to do about another pregnancy. If you have been here, how have you decided what to do and when?

Once again so sorry for your loss. I would do what feels right in your heart, and you will know when you are ready. I have not been through anything like you have but did have a miscarriage last year at 12 weeks, and was planning to wait, but I got pregnant right away and that was the one thing that most helped me heal (partly as for me I believe it was the same spirit) but I think sometimes people need a little (or a whole lot) of time to heal first, especially after losing a baby at term like you did, but sometimes they don't.

I think what happened would be unlikely to happen again, and would not worry about that, so just follow your heart, and Let Go and Let God when you are ready (or whatever fits in with your personal belief system.) Yes its important to take the time to grieve and it does come in waves, and will always be with you, but I would not feel guilty if you do decide to become pregnant again, as I think this sometimes happens. Really hope this helps and thinking of you.








Destinye/Anna


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

JMFS, I'm so gald you came back to update us - you've been in my thoughts.

I always look at Grief as a journey that has no end - only different paths to take. Yes, you need to give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally.

It's been 10 years since my daughter Amanda was born still. I did get pregnant right away - I wanted to one day, I didn't the next, so I don't know how you really come up with the right answer. You'll have to reach in your heart and decide what's best for you and your family.


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## ckc (Jul 2, 2004)

i had a boy on march 15 who was full term and had anencephaly, we had no idea until his head was born. i hear your shock, your numbness and your sorrow. when to try again? simplistic as it sounds, when it feels right...i have no idea when that will be. i feel anxious and terrified, maybe you do too? most of all, i hope you have good support and some trees or sky to gaze at, i know that helps me tremendously. you are in my thoughts tonite.


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## Mamm2 (Apr 19, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. We will pray for you and your little angel.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

JMFS,
I am so sorry for your loss. Today is my first anniversary of my daughter's death due to pre-eclampsia. So I have experienced the loss of a child. You are beginning a hard, bumpy, frightening and sometimes lonely journey. But please remember this is a journey which means there is a destination. That destination is not happiness, "normalcy", or moving on. The destination is peace. To allow your life to incorporate this loss rather than revolve around it. Be encouraged by the fact that many have traveled the road before you and made it through. You will too. You may take longer or shorter, detours or a straight line, but you are not the first. You are loved here and this is a safe place to fall. I wish you peace.
Gossamer


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