# I wish...



## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

I wish that people knew that this isn't my first baby. I get really upset when people assume that this is my first pregnancy. I want to wear a shirt that reads, "My Big Sister is in Heaven!" plastered across my belly. I want people to know about Emma, that she lived, that she was such a WONDERFUL little girl. I want them to know that I have done this before. I just wish that other's knew, that there was some way...something that would identify me as a Mother who has lost her only child and is hurting desperately. But mostly, I wish that I didn't have to do this anymore...









What do you wish? What are things that are hard for you to deal with on a day to day basis?


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

My first wish would be for my daughter to be here with me. But I know that can't happen. My other wish would be for stupid people to stop making stupid comments. No your dog dying is not the same as my baby dying and I don't care what your faith is I don't want to hear you say it was gods will. I guess that is the kind of thing that still really bothers me. Or people saying I know how you feel when they have never experienced the loss of a child.

I did have an experience that cheered me up the other day though so I thought I should share the story here.

I was at work, watching a 7 year old I watch every week. He was the only one there and so we were drawing pictures and talking. He drew a picture of a dog with angel wings and confided in me that he was still sad that his dog had passed away. I said "I know it is hard when some one you are so close to dies." The oddest look of understanding crossed his face and he said "Your daughter died in December didn't she?" I said "Yes she did." then he asked "Do you miss her?" I answered "Yes, everyday." He shook his head in a knowing way and said "She misses you to" I asked how he knew that and he said "Well I would miss my mom if I wasn't with her." So then we went back to drawing for a while. Then he tapped me and said "Look at my picture." He had drawn a baby angel sleeping against the dog angel he had drawn. It was so sweet. Then he said "Don't worry, Rexy will take care of her, he loves babies." I told him I was glad that Rexy would be looking after her for me. When his mom came to get him he showed her his picture and told her that Rexy was going to take care of my baby for me. At first his mom seemed worried that he might have upset me, but when she saw that I was alright with it she smiled and said "Well Rexy did take good care of you when you were a baby." I was so touched that he wanted to comfort me, and that he remembered that I was supposed to have a baby and that she had died. When I was pregnant he used to talk to my belly and swear that she was talking back to him. I wish other people responded to my loss the way he did. So innocent and caring without a bit of judgement.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Oh,







that is just so sweet!! Children can be the best healers of our hearts. My sweet 7 year old nephew told me that when he thinks of Emma he doesn't always have tears in his eyes, but they are always in his heart. Just gives me such comfort.

There is a lady that my Mom is friends with who said after Emma died, "I know just how Kim feels, my cat died this year." Yeah, that's the same.







I was NOT happy with that comment. Whenever we hear of someone who has a child die, I like to write to the family and friends of the parents if I can. Jeremy always tells me to tell them not to say anything stupid. I just think that unfortunately people don't know what to say, so instead of just saying, "I'm sorry", they keep going and say really stupid things! I agree with you about faith too. I am a very religious person, but it makes me SO mad when people tell me, "Well at least you will get to see her again." Ok, that doesn't fill my arms or heal my broken heart. Drives me batty!!!!








to you Mama!!


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

*Oh the things I wish for...*

Well...to start with I would wish that I too had my daughter to hold ALIVE and HEALTHY. Next, I would wish for compassion and love to come over every person who comes into contact with us grieving mamas and our families.
I have a 5 year old son whom has a very old soul...he shared with me that his baby sister Gracie's body worked just perfect and that he talks to her a lot. I asked him where he talks to her and he said in his dreams he talks to her, holds her and kisses her anytime he wants. He also shared that some kids don't understand that his baby sister died. He went on to share that he knows that some kids aren't as smart as he is







and that he knows all about where ones spirit goes when it leaves their body.
For show and tell he took a picture of Gracie to school and shared that she died 6 hours after she was born and that he is so excited that she doesn't have any hurts where she is now. He told his class that he gets sad sometimes but not as much as he used to. This is how he knows that she is "just fine" where she is now. His sister helps him to not be sad and gives him something to be happy about.
I smile whenever I think about my son and his connection to Gracie...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I wish that all your babies were here in your arms


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

The intelligence and mental clarity of a child can be so healing sometimes. I wish I had my babies with me and in my arms. For me, our lost pup Tunza is taking care of our angels.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

The unattainable wishes:
First, I wish that my baby boy at home growing up with us.
Second, I wish that everyone could have met my son.
Third, I wish that I had complete control over my life.

Now for the attainable wishes:
First, I wish that I will have siblings for Connor.
Second, I wish that I stopped fearing that I will never have a baby to raise.
Third, I wish that people would attempt to educate themselves on the subject of infant loss.

I probably could continue this list forever but I'll stop here.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
The unattainable wishes:
First, I wish that my baby boy at home growing up with us.
Second, I wish that everyone could have met my son.
Third, I wish that I had complete control over my life.

Now for the attainable wishes:
First, I wish that I will have siblings for Connor.
Second, I wish that I stopped fearing that I will never have a baby to raise.
Third, I wish that people would attempt to educate themselves on the subject of infant loss.

I probably could continue this list forever but I'll stop here.

I wish all those attainable and unattainable for myself and all of us.







Today I am really wishing that I could stop fearing that I will never have a baby to raise...*sigh*


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Kim thank you for starting this thread. I remember how devestated I was for you when you lost Emma. I agree that all us grieving moms should have something to wear so people wouldn't make assumptions and more importantly stupid comments.

My wishes: (like Wilkers)
unattainable
* to have Adia in my arms to raise
* to know the future
* for noone to ever know the pain of losing a child

Attainable
* to have a live child to care and love and (have them live past me?)
* to be happily married (preferably to my current DH)
* to educate those who are ignorant about the tramua of losing a child (miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, sids, etc...)

Thank you ladies for letting me share.







s to you all.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I wish that I didn't still hurt so much, 18 months later...it's been really hard again lately, and I find myself wondering when it will ever get better?

I should clarify that I'm not like I was in the first few months, don't want to scare the moms with more recent losses! For the most part I'm functioning fine and most people would have no idea I'm still struggling so much. It's more that lately I've felt tears very near the surface wherever I go, and I never know what's going to set me off. Yesterday some other moms at the park were talking about my friend's pregnancy. She's due in November, maybe even on Kevin's due date (I was trying not to listen) and I heard someone say, "Oh a Thanksgiving baby." That's what I said my whole pregnancy with Kevin, "A Thanksgiving Baby". That one phrase set me off and I sobbed the whole way home. And then I wonder what's wrong with me. It's been 18 months, does that mean it will always be this way?

Anyway, that's my wish for today, to not still hurt so much.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

, I wish that it wasn't so hard for you as well


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I wish I had gotten to hold her while she was alive.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of getting pregnant again.
I wish I knew for certain that I would get to raise a child.
I wish it wasn't so hard.
I wish I didn't feel so alone.
I wish I didn't feel like every pregnant woman's walking nightmare.
And sometimes I wish my heart would just break so this could be over. (No I'm not suicidal, just tired of the pain.)
Gossamer


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gossamer*
I wish I knew for certain that I would get to raise a child.

And sometimes I wish my heart would just break so this could be over.
Gossamer


I also wish I had some kind of guarantee that this baby would live. I told dh that last night. I told him that I wish this baby would come with a guarantee. It is just so hard.

I was also telling my therapist yesterday that I am just SO tired of it hurting. I want the hurt to stop because I am just tired of it. I am physically exhausted (I am sure that being 9 months pg has nothing to do with it either







). But, I am SO tired of being sad, of crying, of grieving...I just want it all to end also.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Besides the obvious of wishing I had Nazir alive and in my arms right now (and that all of us could have our babies),
~I wish that I could've seen the kind of person he would've grown up to be. As an early childhood teacher I have had the opportunity to love so many different kinds of children. I know and appreciate the many quirks and personality traits of young children and I was so excited to see just _who_ Nazir would be. Would he have been artistic, athletic, a great chatter like me?

~I wish my memories of him could be continuously renewed, not frozen in time, ending 6 months ago.

~I wish there wasn't such sadness in my eyes. I see it every time I look at a picture of myself.

~I wish I had clearer pictures of him from when he was born. Actually I wish I had my doggone digital camera with me at the time.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Today I went swimming for the first time without Emma. I swam for about 30 minutes, then I went to sit in the zero depth area. Well, I could only sit there for about 15 minutes. There were babies everywhere...2 little girls that reminded me so much of Emma. One was probably the age she was and one was the age she would be now. I watched them and wondered what would Emma be doing. I wish that those Mom's could understand why I so intently watched their children. I watch them with longing, I watch them with wondering, I watch them and my heart just breaks.

I also wish that my videos of Emma would continue...not stop on the day before she died. I wish that I had pictures past August 22, 2003. I wish that she were here. I wish that I knew what her speaking voice would sound like, I wish I knew what she would look like with teeth, how long her hair would be, what she would look like walking. I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish I could have a guarantee that this baby would live for a long long long time and bury *me*. I wish I didn't have the fear that I will bury another baby. I wish I didn't think about where I would bury this baby, what I would bury the baby in, what I would put in the casket...I wish I didn't have this experience. I wish that I didn't look so sad and so old. I am only 27, but I feel like I am 87 some days. I wish that I could protect my sweet husband from the pain he feels. I wish that I could take the pain that I see in his eyes, take that pain and get rid of it for him. I just want to protect him and I know he wants to protect me.

I wish, I wish, I wish....


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

I wish I wasn't having another birthday, with no baby.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gonnabeamom*
I wish I wasn't having another birthday, with no baby.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

gonnabeamom...your wish so hit home with me. I'm adding that to my unattainable wishes!


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

God it's good to have a place where you feel loved and normal, when you are cranky and sad.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

You can say that again Gonnabe. I am in such a mood today, without here and TTC, I don't think I could make it.

That said, I wish, that my IUI's take and I can share with you all some good news in 2 weeks.
And if that wish comes true, I wish, that my next pregnancy is without complications.








to you all.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Quote:

I wish I wasn't having another birthday, with no baby.
Yeah, I just had one of those on Friday the 21st. Totally sucked. Last year we had about 3 different parties, my mom came out and it was a blast. THis year, we had a very quiet dinner. That's it.
GOssamer


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

I wish that none of us had to be here on this thread. I wish we all could celebrate birthdays with our missed babies. I wish we all could just give each other a hug in person.

Kim~ I cried reading your posts today...something about them just struck me. I am speechless with what to say. Know that I wish for you never having to plan another child's funeral.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hmpc2*
Know that I wish for you never having to plan another child's funeral.

Thank you so much. I wish that for all of us. It is so hard, but it is so wonderful to have other women, Mothers who understand, who have walked and are walking the same path that I am on.
As I sit here, entering my 36th week of pregnancy, feeling my uterus surge, I wonder...will this baby live? How long will this baby live? Will I get to see this person become an adult? Or, will I have to use that extra plot my Mom bought "just in case". I just don't know...


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Today I wish that I could have one day where I didn't fall apart crying because I missed my daughter so much. I wish that I was crying happy tears because I just witnessed her first smiles.

I wish that my head didn't feel like it was going to explode and that my eyes didn't feel like they were going to bug out of my head because of all my tears.

I wish that each time I made love to my husband I didn't secretly wish that just maybe this was the time I would concieve.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ksjhwkr*
As I sit here, entering my 36th week of pregnancy, feeling my uterus surge, I wonder...will this baby live? How long will this baby live? Will I get to see this person become an adult? Or, will I have to use that extra plot my Mom bought "just in case". I just don't know...

crying huge tears now...you are in my thoughts, please know that...









Jackie


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

And you in mine Jackie, and you in mine.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ksjhwkr*
I wish that each time I made love to my husband I didn't secretly wish that just maybe this was the time I would concieve.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who does this. I feel so guilty sometimes, like I always have an alterior motive.
Kim, planning a child's funeral would just be so devasting.
I wish none of us ever needs to do that.
I also wish that this forum didn't need to be here, but I have to say, I'm glad and proud that it is.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
I also wish that this forum didn't need to be here, but I have to say, I'm glad and proud that it is.

Me too. It is so important to have others who understand and who we can lean on.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
planning a child's funeral would just be so devasting.
I wish none of us ever needs to do that.

Next week my daughters marker will arrive for us to place on her grave. Part of me is looking forward to seeing it, the other part of me is so damn sad. It just makes it all that more real for me.

I wish that the day we place her marker on her grave that it will be a beautiful sunny day. One where we can hear the birds singing, smell the flowers near by and feel the sun on our faces. I wish for it to be a day on coming together...a day of loving each other...just one more day.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Having Emmas marker done was so important to me. I really wanted it there, I want people to know that a very special little person is there. Someone who is very loved and very missed. I understand that so well. It is so sad, it makes it SO real, and whoever came up with the word "closure" for something like that, well, they never lost a child. People who say, "Well, that will give you some closure"...whatever. It's a bittersweet time. I think for me, it was so important because it was the last thing I could do for her. I think we did a good job of it, but it is certainly hard. I pray that the day is peaceful for you also, birds singing, that is wonderful. For us, we wanted it done before it snowed. Because if they waited too long, we would have to wait until Spring. So, I was thrilled(well, as thrilled as I could be about this) when it was set the first week of December. It was there before her birthday, that was important to me.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ksjhwkr*
whoever came up with the word "closure" for something like that, well, they never lost a child. People who say, "Well, that will give you some closure"...whatever.

I kind of laughed when I read this...I agree with you so much about the closure thing...I want to scream the f-word 100 times at the people that say things like that. Closure...OK...while you are at it, please CLOSE up the huge break in mine and my families heart.
Again, while you are it...maybe close up the hole in my bank account for the OUTRAGOUS cost of a funeral and special ordering a marker for my daughters grave...yah...could you help out with that too??? JERKS!!!

Thanks for bearing with me while I vented....







:


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:

Again, while you are it...maybe close up the hole in my bank account for the OUTRAGOUS cost of a funeral and special ordering a marker for my daughters grave...yah...could you help out with that too??? JERKS!!!
Yeah, tell me about it! All the things we bought for the baby, add a funeral on top and then have to fill out our forms in Jan and put *0* in the dependents box, to add insult to injury.

Kim and Jackie- I'm keeping you both close in my heart right now...

I wish I didn't wake up this morning in tears because I had a dream that the people who handled ds's body were not gentle at all. That really upset me.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Wow, I'll be honest, I don't have any idea how any of you made it through. I have such tremendous respect for you.
Sweet Teach, I don't know if this helps at all, but your dream kinda touched me. I have worked for many years as a volunteer fire fighter (I'm licenced as an EMT--I didn't actually fight fires, I just did medical stuff) I also was handler to my wonderful search and rescue dog Havoc who found far too many children throughout his career (he was retired a year ago due to rupturing a disc in his back) If it helps at all, myself and my entire crew were always VERY gentle and respectfull of the bodies of children, regardless of whether they were already gone or badly hurt. Havoc was called on a search once, a teenage mom had been found, bleeding out, all she could tell us was that the baby was in the park. Even though we found the babe quite quickly, Havoc and I both knew it was too late. When I caught up with Hav, he was laying beside the little boy licking him trying to make him wake up. He had no vital signs and was obviously gone. I picked him up, wrapped him in my sweater and carried him back slowly to the command post, all the while talking to him and telling him I was sorry I couldn't get there quicker but he would be a beautiful angel and I would remember him always.
I would like to think that myself and my crew (both S&R and FD) are not the exeption, while me may all steel ourselves and block out emotions in order to do our job properly, I've never met someone who could completely block out emotions where a child is concerned. I really hope Nazir was handled with respect and love.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Shannon thank you for telling me that...the tears are flowing again.
I have so many dreams at night but this is the first time that I dreamt something like that. I feel like I abandoned him...I can't know for sure that people were respectful to him and I don't even know who touched him. What kind of mother...I should've/wish I could've brought him home with me.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

It's very hard, often just what "needs" to be done, is invasive. A long time ago now, my fiance passed after brain surgery, I saw him start to bleed out, I knew he wasn't clotting, I also knew there was really nothing that could be done. I however was so horrified to watch them to CPR and then rush him back into an OR. I struggled with that for so long, I blamed myself for not insisting they leave him with me to die with me holding his hand. It wasn't until many months later that someone pointed out that because organ donation was VERY important to him, they had to take him to surgery and revive him at least enough to keep his organs viable. 7 different people received his organs and that's what he wanted, and I would want it too, but at that time, I wanted them to leave us alone so I could say goodbye before he was gone.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'd like to post my wish, it seems a little trivial compared to many of yours, but it's important to me.








I wish that I am pregnant again. It's what I want more than anything right now. I am 5 dpo now and had an IUI on Friday and Sat. So I wish that there is a wee soul growing in me now, and I really wish for him or her to stay with me this time.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Shannon, I'm sorry you had to go through that with your fiance- how sad! Your wish is so NOT trivial!!!! I wish that you are pregnant right now and that you have a wonderful, low stress pregnancy that results in a full term healthy baby who outlives you.

It's amazing how we can get so specific with our wishes after losses.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

Shannon....I'm really hoping that wee soul is growing with you!

This thread brought me to tears. I wish everyone peace as we all make the best decisions we can at the time we need to decide. The what ifs....the who did....We as moms did and do the best we can. Such strong women here!


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

I am right there with you Jackie!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! I guess it's a good thing that people don't understand...it means they haven't been through it. But damn, it sucks for those of us who are on the end of the STUPID comments!


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
I wish that I am pregnant again. It's what I want more than anything right now. I am 5 dpo now and had an IUI on Friday and Sat. So I wish that there is a wee soul growing in me now, and I really wish for him or her to stay with me this time.

Sending you lots of peaceful vibes and baby dust!!!! I pray that none of us every have to go through what we already have.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Shannon....sendinglots of love and special thoughts your way today...looking forward to hearing what the outcome is...


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jackieg213*
I wish that the day we place her marker on her grave that it will be a beautiful sunny day. One where we can hear the birds singing, smell the flowers near by and feel the sun on our faces. I wish for it to be a day on coming together...a day of loving each other...just one more day.

My wish came true... Sunday we went to the cemetary to place Gracie's marker on her grave. It was indeed a beautiful day, full of sunshine, birds singing, the scent of flowers and the laughter of children visiting their loved ones also.
My sister and her 3 children met us there. It was important for me to have the support. My parents took picutres and watched the kids while we placed her marker. Her marker is beautiful. Exactly as I had pictured it in my mind. She lays next to my maternal grandmother. So that is even more special to me.
My husband and two other children were there as well...of course. My husband is pretty shut off still...it is lslowly changing.
Life is OK today.


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

What a wonderful thread.......

Quite simply, I wish that Sophie had lived, and was sitting on my lap right now.

I wish that I never, ever, have to go through this kind of pain again!

I wish none of us were going through it now.....

I wish that my son had gotten a chance to at least see, and maybe even hold, his little sister, and not just have pictures of her, lovely as they are.

I wish I could approach any future pregancy with the same ignorant, blissed out attitude of "it won't happen to me!" .

I really, really wish that any future pregnacy came with a 110% guarantee that this child (and my son, too) would have long happy lives and live to ripe old ages, outliving me and my dh in the process.

I wish I dreamed of Sophie more often, and if I am, I wish I remembered those dreams.

I miss her so much..........


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Wow Jackie! That's great, and you know what, my wish came true too. I got a







this morning. I'm scared but so happy.

So now I wish that this baby wants to stay here with us.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
I got a







this morning. I'm scared but so happy.

So now I wish that this baby wants to stay here with us.

Shannon,
I am so happy for you and I too understand being scared. Breathe deeply, surrender and accept. Try hard not to question your happiness right now and see where it takes you.
You are being thought of today and in the many days to come....very excited for you and hubby!!!

I wish too that this baby will stay with you. I also wish for your good health and over flowing love to continue to multiply...


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *painted horse*
I wish I dreamed of Sophie more often, and if I am, I wish I remembered those dreams. I miss her so much..........

Thank you painted horse for these words....i too wish that I dreamed of Gracie more often and if I did I remembered those dreams.

I also wish that her face wasn't fading when I closed my eyes...I sometimes have to look at her pictures to see her again. Make me very sad...


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Jackie~ I am so glad the day was so beautiful for you and your family. I know how important that is.









Shannon~







I am SO happy for you, I am PRAYING for a very very sticky pregnancy for you and a sweet healthy baby at the end...one who will stay for a VERY long time.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Painted Horse,

What beautiful wishes...Our angels are watching over us, I know that much for sure







. But it is so hard not to have them here. I wish that this baby I am carrying would know his/her sister also. All my children will only know Emma through pictures, that is so hard. I wish that my talking about her in most circles didn't make people uncomfortable. She was born, she lived, she loved, she died. It sucks. I cry, I hurt, I laugh, but it doesn't make me unstable. I think people think I am. It really bothers me. I wish the people that knew Emma, knew her personality, knew what she looked like, how she sounded etc., wouldn't pretend that she didn't exist. I have stopped being friends with people because of that. It is just so hard. I wish that my new friends who are so loving and supportive, would have had the opportunity to know and love Emma too.
I wish, I wish, I wish...everyday I wish something new. I also wish I dreamt about her more...but more than that, I wish that when I do dream about her, when I wake up, she'd be snuggled to my breast again.


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

.......for all of us:

I wish that all of us could have known each other's children before they passed. It is so obvious that these children are very much loved, and very much missed. I would have loved to have known Emma and Gracie and Julianna and all the precious others whose names I've yet to learn. It gives me so much comfort knowing that there is a place where I can come and share about Sophie's life, short as it was.

To Shannon:

Yay!!!!! A Big Yay for you. Congrats on the positive test!! I feverently wish that you have a wonderfully uncomplicated pregnancy, an easy labor and delivery, and a robust, healthy baby who does indeed "stay for a long time"! This wish, by the way, also applies to all you others out there who are trying to and/or have conceived! May you in Blessing give Birth, may you easily give Birth!

Be brave, oh lovely mama!

All of you be brave!

Peace of the summer stars to you,

Jen


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Hi Ladies, I really need you to keep up the "wishes" for me. I'm so concerned and worried that things are not going well. When I tested originally at 9dpo, I got a super faint positive, tested the next day and it was much darker, but I tested yesterday and today and it's again so so so faint. I'm worried this is another chemical pregnancy and I just don't know how I'll handle it. I had blood work done on Monday and the level was 21 in the afternoon, I'll have more blood taken today and I can only hope and pray it will be doubled, but I'm not that optimistic. I'm just so sad and stressed right now. I have cried almost non stop since yesterday and I just don't know what to do.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Oh Shannon, I'm praying for you and your baby to be okay. I wish that when we were stressed we could let it go because being stressed won't change anything, right? Why is that so hard for us to do? Well, if I were you I'd just keep talking and crying about it as a way to process it all- the fears, the worries. I'm sending you positive, sticky vibes right now...


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Painted horse...Thank you for the lovely wishes...gave me chills when I read your post...

Shannon...Oh honey....I too am sending you lots of love and good vibes. You are so special and I pray that you and your baby are doing well. Keep feeling your feelings, drink lots of warm tea and be gentle with yourself, your spirit and your baby.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Oh sweet Shannon....you are in my thoughts, I am holding you close in my heart sweet Mama.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Thank you ladies. I'm feeling a bit better now. Saw my OB and she has a wonderful way of putting my mind at ease. She said not to trust the HPT's as far as colour, she said even from the same company the sensitivity can vary substantially and the darker one I had was likely the fluke, she said without even being late yet, she'd be surprised by real nice dark positive. She gave me a requisition to have beta levels done every other day for the next 2 weeks. Saying I could stop at any time if I wanted to but if it helped keep me at ease to go for it and she would email me the results as they came in. So tomorrow morning I will know the next beta, as long as it's around 40 we're alright---and she didn't laugh at my bag-o-tests I brought in and patiently looked at all my lines. She's very sweet, even though she was sick as a dog.
So keep hoping, praying, sending vibes, whatever you do, that's great and I'll keep everyone posted.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Shannon, I hope things come out well. I will be sending sticky baby vibes your way.


























































I will definately have my fingers crossed for you. Just remember to breath.


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## Kabes (May 17, 2004)

Crying. . rivers of tears. I don't know how you all feel. My mother was murdered when I was 18 (leaving me to care for my 13 yo brother), I have had 3 miscarriages at 8 weeks, and I came very close to loosing my oldest daughter to anethesia when she was 11 months old. I still have no idea how much it must hurt to loose a precious child.
My wishes for you all:

For the memories you do have to become clearer and crisper in you mind's eye everyday. That they wouldn't fade but you would have them there to comfort you whenever you need them.

That you would have peace not guilt over any decisions you may have made at such a hard time. We all know you love and loved your babies sooo much and would have done anything for them. What ever you decided in those moments where made with that love.

That all of you who wish to have another babe would concieve and have happy, healthy pregnancies. That you would be able to have peace of mind and a trusting heart towards the little one growing inside you. And that when they join you through birth that you would be able to parent them with love and trust and without fear.

I friend of mine (Mary) who lost her precious 18 month old told me this story. (It made me feel that the babies I miscarried might be with my mother and made me feel better)

Not long after Mary's son, Michael, passed away she got a phone call from an old family friend. This friend had also just lost her own son named Michael who was 16 years old. The day after the funeral this friend had had a dream. She saw her son Michael, and he was holding hands with a very small boy. He said to his mother "Mom I'm O.K., I'm here with Michael and we are happy". This mother was extremely relieved to know here son was O.K., but she couldn't figure out who the little boy was. Not until a week or two later when she finally heard about my friend Mary's son did she figure it all out. That's when she called Mary to tell her.

I wish that all of you could have a similar story to comfort your aching hearts.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Warnign: Ambien rant: I wish I didn't have to take pill at night to make me go to sleep but also make me miss her more than ever. I was listening to a song tonight from Man of La Mancha and he sings a song about bearing the unbearable sorrow. Then it hit me, I do bear the unbearable sorrow. Losing a child is unbearable. I wish I was not a childless child.
Gossamer


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gossamer*
Warnign: Ambien rant: I wish I didn't have to take pill at night to make me go to sleep but also make me miss her more than ever. I was listening to a song tonight from Man of La Mancha and he sings a song about bearing the unbearable sorrow. Then it hit me, I do bear the unbearable sorrow. Losing a child is unbearable. I wish I was not a childless child.
Gossamer

I wish that I could sleep too. I wish I could sleep on my own without any help. These days it's a double edged sword...I can't sleep because of my grief and because of my discomfort.
You are right, we do bear the unbearable sorrow...I wish none of us had to bear this.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I want to thank you all so much for your strong wishes and hopes for my littlee appleseed. My beta levels doubled, progesterone came back a little low, especially since I'm on progesterone support so my dose was upped substantially and we continue to hope and wish.
I'm suddenly feeling really positive about this pregnancy and a little less scared. Part of my fear was knowing dh and I had decided we would only give it one more shot, we simply couldn't take the grief again. He and I talked last night though and since we now know what seems to be causing the m/c, we agreed that if for some reason we do loose this little one we will try again.

I wish for you all to feel a bit of peace in your lives today, a moment in time where you can think of your lost little ones and smile, knowing that they are indeed with you and know how much they are loved.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you Shannon for your wishes...
I am so excited for you I can hardly see straight!!!








So glad to hear you and your babe are doing well...
Thinking of you...


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Shannon,

I am so thrilled for you!!!!!!!!!!!









Thank you for your wonderful wishes...I will think of my Emma and smile as I swim today. She loved the water, she loved to swim...it warms my heart to think of her swimming and watching me and this bug swim too.

Again though, I am SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Shannon I am so happy for you.







I hope this baby sticks around to. Hey maybe you could have the baby on my birthday Feb 3rd.







Keep thinking positive I really feel like this is your time.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Shannon - I hope your pregnancy is fabulous and sorrow-free.

This is such a wonderful thread. Reading everyone's wishes is so positive even though we are all wishing for some unattainable things.

I think we should all be proud of bearing the unbearable. We are strong!

I wish -
my Julianna was with me
my pain would ease
my clothes would fit
some joy would creep up on me sometime soon
we could all have all our wishes come true
nothing this bad would happen to us ever again
that I can have a healthy baby to raise by my 25th B-day (Jan. '06)
I could stop walking around feeling like i'm in a daze

I am thankful -
for the gifts our angels have given us
for this forum (I don't know what i'd do without it)
for all of you who have such wonderful hearts
to be alive and healthy
for my dh, my family, my friends
for my faith that life goes on and will one day be wonderful for me again.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *berkeleyp*
Shannon - I hope your pregnancy is fabulous and sorrow-free.

This is such a wonderful thread. Reading everyone's wishes is so positive even though we are all wishing for some unattainable things.

I think we should all be proud of bearing the unbearable. We are strong!

I wish -
my Julianna was with me
my pain would ease
my clothes would fit
some joy would creep up on me sometime soon
we could all have all our wishes come true
nothing this bad would happen to us ever again
that I can have a healthy baby to raise by my 25th B-day (Jan. '06)
I could stop walking around feeling like i'm in a daze

I am thankful -
for the gifts our angels have given us
for this forum (I don't know what i'd do without it)
for all of you who have such wonderful hearts
to be alive and healthy
for my dh, my family, my friends
for my faith that life goes on and will one day be wonderful for me again.

Oh Berkley~ Huge hugs to you dear. I like that you added what you're thankful for. It is so easy to lose sight of those things. I know I do on a daily basis. I forget that I do have things to be thankful for. It is so much easier to focus on what we don't have anymore. You and your sweet Juliana are in my thoughts


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

I wish Emma were here to see her new brother. I wish that she were trying to "help" me nurse him, I wish it didn't hurt so much and that I weren't so scared of him dying too now.


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)




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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Kim,
CONGRATS of the birth of Seth...how was birthing him, how big is he, how are YOU....how is husband....

So very happy for you!!!! Lot of love to you honey...


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Congratulations! It must feel so good to have a baby in your arms again although i'm sure it can also be painful. Be Brave. I'm so happy for you and am sending you lots of good vibes for the future.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Kim, Congratulations on the birth of Seth! I looked at your pics on the June board and he is just precious! I know Emma is excited to see him with you now, even if she's not here physically.

I pray that you find a peaceful place to be, knowing that although tomorrow is not promised, what you have right here and right now is truly a beautiful blessing to just revel in.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Congrats! This gives me hope that some wishes can come true.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Congratulations on your new baby boy. I am so glad he is finally here with you.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I want to see baby Seth too....where do I go to see the pictures????

THANKS!!!!


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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

Jackieg123,

Here is the link to her website where she has the pictures of Seth.

http://borchertbaby.aboutmybaby.com/


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Seth is so beautiful!!! And you look so wonderful!!!
Very happy for you...


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Kim he's just amazing! As are you!
I looked at all Emma's pics again too and I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I think Emma is with you again in Seth. She must be so proud to look down at her smiling mamma and baby brother. Seth will always have an angel on his shoulder.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

thanks! i'm a little slow reading!  Anyway, his birth story is in the homebirth folder called my hbac. It was fabulous and Emma was defnately there with us.


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