# Things I learned after finding out my son was acting out



## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

After I posted to another thread about our experience this summer, I was asked to share it on another thread with some of the things I've learned. I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this so I just want to invite anyone to ask questions and share their experience if they feel comfortable. The goal is to improve awareness and increase safety for our children.

The shortest version: On July 12th our neighbor came over and told us that our 7yo son had been acting out sexually with her 5 and 3yo boys. We talked with our son and he admitted it, and the world cracked open and swallowed us up. We called the local sexual assault hotline, we called CPS and they asked us to get a therapist for our son the following Monday which we did. Everyone was kind and supportive and we've been able to just focus on finding out that someone had sexualized our son, and finding out that he had sexualized other children as a result.

We did have a meeting with all of the parents on the street in the home of the other boys and put all the cards on the table about what happened and what we've all done about it, and then agreed as a 'family' what the new rules for all of the children would be no matter whose house they were at, where the boundaries are, gave authorization for kids to be sent home if they were being disrespectful, traded emails/phone numbers so that we can communicate better with each other as a community.

The top question I think is, *"Did we have any idea something had happened, were there any red flags?"*

Only in hindsight, and then it's too late. My 7yo is dynamic, emotionally articulate, energetic... a normal kid. He isn't shy, he didn't avoid or fear anyone. He didn't hide in his room to masturbate. We had conversations with both of our boys about everything from safety in a public bathroom to things someone might say to convince you to do what they want to grooming that happens long before hand. I felt really proud that I had three kids who so far had never been hurt. I would watch them play with each other, alone, with other kids, and look for signs of anything I might have missed. I saw nothing. I listened to them talk about their dreams so that I could see any recurring themes. I saw none. We were vigilant without being over-protective. No one watched our children, and when someone did, it was my aunt or mother in law, people we trust most in the world. They did ride the school bus but we talked frequently about safety, the smaller kids were seated up by the bus driver and the older kids were seated at the back of the bus. They played with neighbor kids who ranged in ages from a year older than my oldest down to my 7yo's age, but they had strict rules about where they could play, when, who could be there, etc.

I had no clue. I had NO clue. We looked back that night as we were gasping for breath and we wondered what we could have possibly missed. We had endeavored to prepare our children, not make them afraid. We knew they'd come across situations where they'd have to make a decision and we sought to prepare them to make it, not hide them from the world.

In retrospect and after having more conversations with my son and his therapist I could see a few things:

* He would stand in front of me (I sit cross legged on the couch) and would press his penis against my knee while talking to me. I would ask him to stop and he would, but the next time he came to talk to me he would do it again. I thought it was just that it felt good to him, and that is true, but it was the repeated crossing of my body space that was the sign I missed

* He's always had night terrors and nightmares and we thought it was just his brain letting out some stress from his busy days. He's more tightly wound than my other son, he cries more easily and loudly, he gets angry faster, he gets physical when he's angry, etc. We thought his brain was just letting some energetic stress out or something. He never really talked about his nightmares. After all of this, he did start talking and said he had a recurring nightmare. We talked about other dreams and there's a recurring theme of being chased by a large dog or wolf, and then being eaten, or having to see me being eaten.

* Something that isn't really unusual but he differs from my other son in this way, he has always talked about his genitals a lot more than my other kid. Not in a sexual way but he'll make reference to someone having been 'kicked in the balls', etc. I don't really think this is a sign but possibly it is, depending on how the conversation occurs and what kinds of things are said.

* There were a couple of boys in our old neighborhood who made me nervous and I was honest with the boys about it, and limited or eliminated their play. After we had a talk about how THEY felt around the one particular boy, they made the decision not to play with him anymore and I supported them. The other boy was 11 and my son was 6, and he came over to see if he could play. When I said no, the boy said, "Come on N, you promised..." Uhhhh NOOOO. Red flag red flag red flag!!! We moved shortly after that, but the boys were all at the bus stop together in the morning, rode the bus together every day, etc.

Other questions I've been asked:

*Do we know what happened to our son?*

No, we probably never will. The only thing he remembers is peeing in the woods. Whatever it was was most likely one of the other kids in our neighborhood acting out with him, and not an adult.

*Have you or your partner received therapy or other assistance in dealing with this issue, and what were the most helpful things you learned?*

I saw a therapist because of the anxiety this all caused, but only saw her once. It wasn't very helpful. The therapist my son is seeing is fantastic and the first half of the appointment is checking in with me and giving me the opportunity to gain some tools for how to talk with him about sexuality in a healthy way and reinforce boundaries, support him without being overly permissive, etc. Really, every single person we've talked to has been shocked and surprised with how assertively and openly we've addressed this, how thoughtfully we've approached our son so as not to make him feel isolated, bad, etc. We didn't make it about him, we made it about all kids, 'so that we could keep everyone safe'. We tried really hard not to corrupt any memories or feelings he was having, and tried to just keep things normal so that there wasn't a change in the family life day to day, and we could keep that structure in place. When we needed to fall apart, we did it out of their view or after they went to bed.

*Do you have any advice for parents, either parents in your situation or the parents of the other neighborhood children, on how to most effectively face and deal with these issues?*

I do. I had reached out to the parents of hte kids in my old neighborhood and told them that my goal was that all of our kids would be safe. To that end, if I saw their kids doing something dangerous, I *would* tell them to stop, go home, and would call their parents. Everyone appreciated that, but no one returned the favor. I wanted the village (and still do) so that our kids could grow up in safety but not overly sheltered. If the neighbors had made a more concerted effort to talk with each other regularly about anything going on that might be of concern to anyone else, to agree on boundaries for all of the kids, etc.

Also, most of those kids are home alone for a large portion of the day, ranging (at the time) in age from 8-13, and they hung out together. I was always home with my kids but I was the ONLY one. This meant that I had to be vigilant about making sure my kids weren't going to someone's house when a parent wasn't home. This cramped their private lives a bit but my oldest totally understood.

Kids reach an age where it can't just be playdates anymore.







They want to go out and explore their local world and as parents we have to find ways to make that be as safe an experience as possible. Know your neighbors, talk with them! Tell them the rules for your kids about food, about whether they can go inside the neighbor's home, ask the neighbor to give you a call if your kids are there. Give them the authority to tell your kids no. Have parents meetings on your block/street/whatever so that everyone is face to face and you can get a feel for who is in your neighborhood. This is by no means a guarantee but it will help.

The shocking thing is that when one adult molests a child, that child goes on to act out sexually with one or more other children in an attempt to understand what happened to him. Those kids go on to sexualize other kids to understand what happened to them. ONE act of sexual abuse becomes VIRAL and shakes up the world of not only the child who was initially hurt but any kids who are the aftershocks of that experience.

My son wasn't a victim, I don't feel that way at all. I would never look at him and think he was a victim. The mother of the boys he acted out with, she fully believes her sons were victimized. They have isolated themselves completely from the neighbors, their kids no longer play outside with the other children. It's very sad to see, and confusing for my son.

I am looking forward to the dialogue.


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

I want to _thank you so much_ for starting this thread and for talking about this. I think that only good things can come from sharing knowledge and informing others. I, too, am impressed with how well you have handled this very difficult situation.

I was surprised to hear that you don't consider your sona victim Could you expand on that a bit more? My guess is that your focus is more on helping him grow up safe and healthy rather than looking back.

In a case like this where you don't know exactly what happened (which, honestly, isn't something I ever thought about but I'm sure is far more frequent than we realize), how do professionals know if a child has been sexualized or if it's normal/curious child behavior, exposure to something read/seen on tv, etc.?

I have also heard stories of families trying to get help for a child only to be turned into the subjects of an investigation themselves; do you have any advice on HOW to seek outside input or anything you can tell parents who may be afraid to act? What organizations or resources have you found most helpful?

Also, would you mind sharing the tips that the therapist has given you wrt talking about boundaries, etc.? You seem to have given your children such a great foundation, and while that can't protect them from everything, at least you had open communication so that he can speak with you openly and honestly. Anything you do to foster that kind of relationship would be great to hear about, too.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Quote:

I was surprised to hear that you don't consider your son a victim
I think it's because I've seen the mother of the other two boys and the different way they're coping and how unhealthy it seems to me (even though they're trying and doing their very best). There is such an emphasis on "what N did to you" and how "Safe/unsafe you are" that it feeds the idea, IMO, that something happened to the poor kid and that he was unsafe. I don't see a value in emphasizing it. We know something happened to Niall. We don't NOT talk about it but we use language like "What happened" not "what was done to you", and ways to stay safe, not "how" safe he is. I think it's a mindset. We see whatever happened as something that happened and is over. It doesn't have to be any more traumatic for him than it is. By fussing over it and putting huge apostrophes and capital letters around it, we take some of the power out of it. For him, it's just something that occurred. He'll grow up, knowing it happened, but it won't be this 'horrible event in his life'. He'll integrate and go on. I don't know how to adequately explain it.

Quote:

In a case like this where you don't know exactly what happened (which, honestly, isn't something I ever thought about but I'm sure is far more frequent than we realize), how do professionals know if a child has been sexualized or if it's normal/curious child behavior, exposure to something read/seen on tv, etc.?
Different sexual behaviors happen at different ages. At 7, it's pretty much "ooh, this is my penis and watch what it can do!" Masturbation is pretty typical at this age. My son crossed these lines very obviously and was exhibiting behavior with these boys that was not exploratory, it was obviously sexual. There was also the 'it's a secret' factor which is almost always a red flag.

Quote:

I have also heard stories of families trying to get help for a child only to be turned into the subjects of an investigation themselves; do you have any advice on HOW to seek outside input or anything you can tell parents who may be afraid to act? What organizations or resources have you found most helpful?
We turned to the local sexual assault hotline and they told us we had to call CPS, so we did. That was extremely terrifying, we thought they'd come and take him away. They were so kind and supportive; it's considered a 3rd party complaint because there is no adult involved. If we'd had previous complaints against is we would have been investigated. But it worked to our favor that we called (so did everyone else of course), that we sought help, that we communicated frequently and proactively with CPS about our status and what we were doing, etc.

Organizations? I have no idea. I tend to be a 'research and read and get support' when things go bad but this time it was extremely difficult to read about children who had been abused and how to help, or to talk to others. I tried to come here to MDC and access the abuse forum but it wasnt' for situations like mine, so I just internalized and tried talking to family/friends instead.

If your family goes through something like this I would suggest being proactive, it works in your favor. The WORST thing you could do is pretend it didn't happen, hope it will go away, and stick your head in the sand. As terrifying and painful and gutwrenching as it is, the right thing to do is contact CPS (because SOMEONE will and it's better if it comes from you), get any physical exams you need (if any), and for goodness sake, don't hide. We told our whole family. We told ALL of my friends. I felt they had the right to know before we resumed playing with them (if they wanted us around), so that they could make safety decisions for their family. I did not want people to be uncomfortable if I showed up at a playgroup with my son. I would have rather played somewhere else and not disrupted everyone, if that makes sense. It turned out great, I had a lot of great support and people asked good questions and we've all integrated and gone on with our lives.

I think of everyone it has been roughest on me, and I'm not exactly sitting around hoping things will get better. I'm pretty proactive about getting support and asking for help with things like this but I'm still having trouble sleeping, still get scared sometimes when my doorbell rings.... it'll pass.


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## Theia (Oct 30, 2007)

I don't have time for a big reply. I just wanted to send you my support and thank you for sharing this experience with all of us. I think things like this should always be addressed and coming out to speak honestly and openly about such things is the best way of removing the fear that blocks true progress.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Couldn't read without replying. Sounds like you're doing the very best for you child. I hope if I'm ever faced with something similiar that I will manage the situation as well as you seem to be doing. Good luck, hugs and prayers


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Wow, you've handled this amazingly well!


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theretohere* 
Wow, you've handled this amazingly well!

Thank you.


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## sheasmom (Nov 6, 2007)

Wow. Thanks for posting your story.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## Flower of Bliss (Jun 13, 2006)

Thank you so much for sharing your story.







I'm sending love and light to you, your son, and your family as you heal.


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## hmberhalter (Jul 27, 2005)

thank you everyone for sharing your stories. i'm wondering if you could point me to a good source of information/support for a friend of mine. her children were just molested by a babysitter, and no one really knows what to do next (aside from call the police, which they have done). but on the emotional side for the whole family, they need some help, and i am trying to gather resources.

any thoughts from your own experiences?

thank you.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Therapy for EVERYONE. Critical to help everyone get back to baseline and cope with the experience.


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