# The 5 Love Languages and Punishment



## dulce de leche (Mar 13, 2005)

This was my latest blog entry, but I wanted to share it here, too.

My dearly loved sister in law loaned me her copy of the Five Love Languages for Children, and I am really enjoying it. I haven't finished it yet, but a few things have stood out for me. I imagine that most of you are familiar with the basic idea of the book, that there are five primary ways (languages) that we give and receive love: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts While most of us are multilingual, there is usually one or two of those that cause us to feel loved, and we often use that to express our love to others.

So far, there are two points that got me thinking: that it is difficult to pinpoint a child's love language before the age of five and that misuse of the love language, particularly if it is used as a method of punishment, can be devastating. Ironically, the most popular methods of punishment all are correlated to the love languages.

*Physical touch--spanking, popping, hitting, smacking, slapping, whatever you want to call it. For a child who is extremely sensitive to touch and uses it to show love (hugging, kissing, always wanting to touch you) the hurt goes far beyond the physical sting.

*Quality time--time outs, "go to your room", ignoring, banishment/isolation. A child desperate for attention gets the ultimate rejection in a parent who clearly doesn't want to be with him/her.

*Words of affirmation--shaming, scolding, yelling, praise/manipulation. The damage from hurtful words can last far longer than physical blows. Likewise, using praise to manipulate kids behavior is hollow and deceitful, and they will know it.

*Acts of service--assigning chores as punishments, refusing to help as a "natural/logical consequence" (I don't think that children should be shielded from all the results of their behavior, but I have seen parents call it a "consequence" when it was really their own form of revenge).

*Gifts--taking away the child's belongings. It surprises me how easily parents will steal from their kids or trash their child's things as punishment. I guess to them, the child has no property rights. Another misuse would be manipulating behavior with rewards. If it isn't freely given, it isn't a gift.

To me, the obvious conclusion is that punishments of pretty much any sort can be more hurtful than healing, and some will be more harmful than others by striking a blow at our children's way of giving and receiving love. Since primary love languages change over time and it is difficult to discern the love language of a young child (when most parents rely on punishment), we risk damage to our love relationship with our child when we impose punishments.

So, what is left? Gentle guidance, grace, healthy boundaries. Discipline, in the form of teaching. Modeling the behavior and attitudes we want to see. Working together to find solutions. This is far from permissiveness. It is active work. But love covers a multitude of sins, right? I believe that the fruit from speaking love and choosing not to twist a child's love language into a weapon will bring health to all of us.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

thank you for sharing this! EXCELLENT and very insightful, also gives a lot of insight into my own childhood and even marriage. this series had been recommended to me before, but I have yet to get a copy.


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## theresal (Jul 6, 2005)

Thanks for posting. I really enjoyed your analysis.

I have yet to read the book though it has been on my list for some time.

Theresa


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I'm reading this book right now as well, and am really enjoying it. It is one of the very very few gentle parenting books written by Christian authors, and one I would recommend for every parent.


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Thank you for sharing this! This was one of the first parenting books I read when I first discovered I was pregnant- I may have to get it out again and re-read it again sometime. I know there is also one written for adults/relationships based on the same 5 "languages" but I haven't read that one.

Another thing that the book brought up is that if we are not conscious of it, we may assume that the things that make us feel most loved (our primary language/s) are the things that make others feel loved, and can lead to frustration and imbalance if our child or partner doesn't share the same languages. That we can think we are showing our love clearly, but it might not be as clear as it could be to someone whose needs are met in a different way. Tying in with what you said above, I think that oftentimes, children act out because they are feeling the need for love/attention (not always, certainly many behaviors are simply a normal part of development and growth, and I don't mean to imply that unwanted behaviors are always a sign of feeling unloved or anything), and we can misinterpret that and punish them in a way that makes the problem worse, not better. Or in some cases, I think one can "punish" a child unintentionally without realizing that your actions are being interpreted by that child as a withholding or retraction of love and affection.

I think for me growing up this was a big problem. There can be a big gap between parents trying hard to express their love for their children and the child feeling unloved- it doesn't mean that either perception is right or wrong, just that there is a lack of a shared understanding. I would get really upset and act out, and feel like my parents didn't care about me, and meanwhile they would say I was too sensitive, and was overreacting, that my perception were not accurate. It makes sense to me looking back that the ways they expressed their love and the ways I needed it/felt it differed, so they felt they were meeting my needs and felt confused when I expressed otherwise or lashed out. And I think in my case, the punishments they used directly (physical punishment/spanking and taking away possessions/privileges) were actually less devastating than the unintended punishments that naturally came about, which was that they would spend less quality time with me and offer less positive communication since they were frustrated with me. We have a much better relationship now, but I can see looking back how this impacted both sides of the equation. And of course, I can see how for a child whose primary language was physical affection, the spanking would have been the most devastating punishment, etc.

It is interesting to me as well, the point about not being able to tell early on, up until age 5 or so. I think that makes sense, and that for those first five years, it seems logical to strive for a balance of all five elements rather than try to pick one out over the others. I think some insight can also be gained by seeing how your child expresses their love for you as they get older- I do think we tend to transfer our own needs to our expressions of love for others, so if your child tends towards one type over another, it seems possible that this could be a good insight into what makes them feel loved and meets their needs, too.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

this is so totally my problem with DH, and his with mine. He thinks he is showing love, but I dont feel it. And I think I am showing him love, and he is missing it. Maybe I need this book lol


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

my dh and i received the five love languages as a wedding gift. i've not read the version pertaining to children yet & constantly hear great things about it. i guess i need to buy a copy!







OT: i'm currently reading "grace based parenting" and enjoying that a lot!


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I found this really insightful, too-- thanks for giving me something to think about!


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## kay4 (Nov 30, 2004)

thank you for sharing that!


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