# Were you spanked as a child?



## Island Mommy (Mar 26, 2003)

Jeez, I wanted to make this a poll but I must have done something wrong and now I'm not allowed to delete the post. If someone can set up a yes/no poll for this question, please do so.

I am constantly astounded as to the number of members who remark on these boards that they were spanked as children. I was a child in the 60's and perhaps I had remarkably lenient parents, but I was never hit as a child. Punishment was in the form of disapproval or removal of privileges.

I actually must be one of a very lucky minority. I have never been hit by anyone, as a child or an adult. If it ever happens it will be quite the experience!!

_mod note: poll added here: poll_


----------



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I was spanked...I don't believe in spanking my own child though.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I was spanked a few times. I remember after a spanking sitting in my mother's lap and crying together.

-Heather


----------



## Elphaba (Nov 19, 2001)

I wouldn't call it spanking, because to me spanking is a hand hitting the butt. My parents hit us in the head, the face, the torso, the legs, wherever. They threw things like dishes, books, glasses, and toys at us, hit us with belts and kitchen implements, pushed and shoved us, pulled me by the hair. My sister had her earring ripped from her ear lobe.
I think you get the picture.


----------



## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

I was spanked on the butt.
My mom would also back-hand me in the mouth with a couple of fingers.


----------



## QueenSheba'sMom (Feb 4, 2003)

spanked and slapped, but not very often


----------



## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

My parents spanked me like twice my whole life. It wasn't something they liked and they worked on finding other ways to get my attention.


----------



## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I was spanked as a child. But only for outright rebellion, and my parents did it out of love for me and did not enjoy it at all. Actually, I much preferred a spanking to my mother yelling and screaming and being sour at me all day (she was depressed, which contributed to that). Spanking was over and done with and fellowship restored with my parents very quickly. When mama was unhappy, it lasted all day and we were all miserable.


----------



## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

I was spanked. I got spanked with a wooden spoon when I was "really bad". I have some memory of being spanked, but don't ever remember why.

My most vivid memory is of my brother getting WAILED on with the wooden spoon by my Mom & later seeing him crying in the tub with red spoon-welts on his butt.







Sadly, at the time I didn't feel bad for him - I was more glad it wasn't me.

My Mom has apologized for spanking us and asks that we don't spank our kids (but, yet my brother spanks his boys).


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Formally, ceremonially and controlledly spanked by my father "in love." Whatever that means.

Spanking by my mother. But also slapped on the hands, occasionally accross the face, punched on the arms, smacked on the top of my head, cursed at, shoved, and screamed at.

I don't know that she would remember it that way. To be fair to her -- she was battered much more severely as a child. I understand the lack of resources she had for motherhood, and I don't pretend I would necessarily have done better in her shoes.

I have no idea why my father did what he did. They both had such egalitarian views about ever other relationship in their lives. It blows my mind -- but they have told me since that they were never taught to view children as actual people.

Fortunately, I believe I am doing much better with my children, though it is hard work and I'm sure my kids could tell you of times that I have lost my temper.


----------



## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Bippity_
*My Mom has apologized for spanking us and asks that we don't spank our kids*
Interesting, until I read your post it never occured to me that I would want or need an apology from my mother for abusing me (spanking, yelling, soaping, etc.) but now I think it might make a huge difference for me.

I could never ask her for an apology, bc I think it would be too humiliating, and I don't want to make her feel that she is a failure as a mother (she already thinks she is to a certain extent bc she divorced my father...)


----------



## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

My Mom has grown & changed a lot over the years (I have too). She apologized on her own. I did bring up the subject of spanking - in general and I eventually told her how I felt about being spanked & that I still to this day cannot remember one single reason why I was ever spanked. Just the more we talked about it in a relaxed & general way the more things came out & the deeper the conversation got. I had just decided beforehand that I would be 100% honest about my feelings & not try to "spare her" from how I felt. For me the goal wasn't so much to get an apology as to just get the skeletons out of the closet & be honest about my life and how I felt (or actually didn't feel-I felt numb most of the time) growing up.

It has helped a lot and she surprised me with her level of sensitivity - I didn't know she had it in her! I didn't give her enough credit... I see my Mom as more as just an ordinary adult now rather than the "all powerful Mom". It changed our relationship - for the better!

I hope you can find a way to talk with her! Feel free to PM me if you'd like to bounce some ideas around some more a bit more privately!


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Yes, I was spanked. I was also just hit, at random, in anger. If you met my mom you would never believe that she would do that. She is a great teacher and never loses her cool with children of any age in the classroom. That's why she felt that it was MY FAULT that she hit me.







:

Right. Whatever.

When I was a child I swore to myself I would never be like her--even though at the time I used to punch my sister.







: Oy. Then as a college student I started to put the whole picture together and it made me really scared to become a mom. If I couldn't even stop myself from hitting my sister, would I be able to control my temper as a mom?

I can see now that some of my mom's attitudes toward me, and toward children in general, set her up to be abusive in that way. For example, when I was 17 or 18, I said, "I just want to know you will love me unconditionally." She said, "Oh, no, I don't love you unconditionally, I will only love you if you do what I want."








:

She is crazy about my son, but she still wants to push me to get him to develop FASTER and be more advanced. I hear her telling him, "That's right, that's the way you are supposed to do it" as she tries to get him to drink from a sippy cup, or "Say, 'Mommy, I want to get down'" (to my preverbal pre-toddler.)







:

No wonder she lost her temper--it must have been so hard for her that I was a separate person. Maybe I have a good chance to be a better parent, just because I don't have these attitudes.

But you are all going to support me too, right?


----------



## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

I'm here for ya - Capt'n!









I think working thru childhood issues is so important and soooo hard to do sometimes and then sometimes we just figure it all out with no help at all!

Ya know - we're pretty darned amazing!


----------



## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Support is here for you CaptainO!

Yes, I was spanked as a child. Rarely in lashed out at, always with a clear reason.

Never hit other places than my butt.


----------



## Daffodil (Aug 30, 2003)

My dad spanked me a few times. I didn't like it (and it had no positive effect on my behavior), but I don't think it was particularly damaging, either. It was his general overall attitude toward me that was the real problem - the spanking didn't make things any worse.

My mom slapped me in the face once. That wasn't typical of her at all, and it was quite a shock. I can't remember for sure what brought it about - something rude I said to her or one of my siblings. Once one of us kids (can't even remember if it was me) said "God damn" without realizing she would consider it totally unacceptable, but I'm not sure if that was a separate incident or not.


----------



## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

Yes, I was spanked as a child as well. Only a few times, though, and only for deliberate defiance/disobedience.

I only remember Dad spanking us, never Mom. We were spanked with a 'rod' - it really stung, but was over fast. I do remember my younger brother hiding it once!

I don't have any really negative feelings about being spanked, although I don't think it is appropriate to hit a child. Other than the spanking, I do think my parents used a lot of GD type approaches with us.

I can never remember my dad yelling at us, and Mom I can remember yelling only once (and I remember her apologising afterwards).

All of that to say - despite the spanking, I think they are/were great parents!

And they are very supportive of our decision not to spank, and don't at all feel threatened by it.


----------



## ja mama (Sep 6, 2003)

All four of us kids were spanked, quite hard and often, on the bottom, with a wooden spanker, and of course always for a 'good' reason, out of love. Hah!
My Mom is very gd by nature, I doubt she's ever heard of it. She always would be sorry after she spanked us and give us extra attention.

Dad was all about "spare the rod and spoil the child". We had to actually say "I have sinned and the rod will drive it far from me" before every spanking session. He never apologized, nor do I think he's ever thought twice about it.

It was last week I made Mom cry inadvertantly, when I was telling her about friends of mine that spank their out of control boys and how much that just drove me nuts. The view I shared with her was the one that: It's illegal for an adult to hit another adult, it's either battery or assault, depending on the circumstances. It's illegal for a husband to hit his wife, it's called domestic violence, or spouse abuse, if a child hits another child, it's being a bully and they would be expelled from school. But if it's a parent hitting a child one fourth to one eighth their size, well, that's okay, it's discipline.


----------



## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I don't remember any actual spanking, but I do recall my mother threatening to "pop" me. The threat was enough for me to shape up, so I can only assume she had actually done it one time or another - how else would I know it was something I wanted to avoid? These memories were when I was very small - 3 or 4 years old. As I got older, there were no spankings.

My mother was the one who disciplined us, for the most part. As I grew up, I became more and more aware of my father retreating from us when he was angry with us. I remember feeling like I was such a disappointment to him... like he was too dusgusted to deal with me. By the time I hit my early 20's, my aunt (my dad's sister) told me all about how physically and verbally abusive my grandfather was with them. He was an alcoholic and my grandmother actually divorced him - something that was unheard of for an irish catholic woman in the 1950's. Anyway, my father vowed he would NEVER do that to his children, that he would remove himself from any situation before he would allow himself to become so out of control. I think my dad didn't trust himself with his anger, and he chose to retreat ratehr than risk hitting us. Hearing about that made my preception of my father change DRASTICALLY. It made me realize that he wasn't disgusted with us, he was disgusted with his father's abusiveness and his own potential abusiveness. I am very proud of him and how he handled it.

His brother (my uncle), OTOH, grew into an emotionally and physically abusive, as well as extremelly controlling father and husband. To this day, my father and his brother are not close, mostly due to my father's dislike and disrespect of his brother.

I only wish my father had been able to tell me how he was feeling at the time, rather than me having to learn it on my own in adulthood. But I believe he did his best and I am grateful for his control and efforts to break the cycle of violence.

Megan


----------



## CTMOMOF2 (Aug 7, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mamaduck_
*Formally, ceremonially and controlledly spanked by my father "in love." Whatever that means.
*
Me too! Bare hand to Bare ass though. (can i say that on here?)
Like maybe 5 times in my life when i was really "BAD"

but i remember i also had to hold out my hand to get it slapped when i did something wrong.

The WORST thing i remember (worse than the spankings and slapping) was standing in the corner!! I HATED standing in the corner!! I've tried it with my son when he has done something completely unacceptable, and he hates it too! What's the big deal w/the corner?? Well, i've only sent him there like twice.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Spanked and hit on no more than a dozen occassions. Screamed at, belittled, humiliated, and verbally abused on a regular basis. Horrible.

My mother apologized on her death bed.







I had already forgiven her, but it was nice to hear and important for her peace of mind.

She got hit with belts regularly. My father was tied to a tree. They did the best they could. It still sucked. But, they tried.


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Spanked, slapped and SCREAMED at. Lots of empty threats, too. I never knew what to expect. I really believe my parents had no other tools available. They did what they knew how to do.


----------



## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

_mod note: poll added here, as requested: poll_


----------



## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I was not. My sister was beat a few times.


----------



## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Bippity_
*My Mom has grown & changed a lot over the years (I have too). She apologized on her own. I did bring up the subject of spanking - in general and I eventually told her how I felt about being spanked & that I still to this day cannot remember one single reason why I was ever spanked. Just the more we talked about it in a relaxed & general way the more things came out & the deeper the conversation got. I had just decided beforehand that I would be 100% honest about my feelings & not try to "spare her" from how I felt. For me the goal wasn't so much to get an apology as to just get the skeletons out of the closet & be honest about my life and how I felt (or actually didn't feel-I felt numb most of the time) growing up.*
Sorry - I didn't mean to imply that you had to have asked for the apology or anything; I was just thinking about how I personally don't ever expect my mom to offer the apology and I don't think I could ask her for it, now that I am thinking how much I would like it.

I do like what you are saying about how you had the relaxed conversation about it. Maybe I could take this approach, too.

I didn't mean to be offensive - just thinking out loud, IYKWIM.

On another note:

I think my dh was also spanked, but he has no interest in spanking our ds. His older brother, however, is definately a spanker. I asked ds the other day why he thought this was so, but he didn't have any answers. (Maybe bc his brother is older and remembers the spanking better? Their father died when they were kids).


----------



## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Daffodil_
*My dad spanked me a few times. I didn't like it (and it had no positive effect on my behavior), but I don't think it was particularly damaging, either. It was his general overall attitude toward me that was the real problem - the spanking didn't make things any worse.

My mom slapped me in the face once. That wasn't typical of her at all, and it was quite a shock. I can't remember for sure what brought it about - something rude I said to her or one of my siblings. Once one of us kids (can't even remember if it was me) said "God damn" without realizing she would consider it totally unacceptable, but I'm not sure if that was a separate incident or not.*
That's pretty much how it was with me, too. Dad had a general lack of respect for me and my brother, and it was really that that was the problem, not the occasional spanking that was doled out when they were pretty much at their wits end. Spankings were always the result of repeated defiance, and usually about something dangerous, like running out into the road. I can still remember dad's face all scrunched up in rage, and speaking through his teeth though.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I was spanked very occasionally--a smack on the butt. Can only actually remember one time when I was in grade school: my sister and I shared a bed, and we were supposed to be asleep. Instead, we were styling each other's hair. I somehow got a brush painfully twirled in my long hair, and we had to wake my dad to get it out








He carefully removed the brush, and then smacked me with his hand on the way out of the bathroom.

Then, when I was about 13, my mother chased me around the dining room table yelling "stop so I can spank you!" (she was losing-it-frustrated). And I kept running away screaming "can't you just TALK to me????!!!! Why are you trying to HIT me???!!!"

I also know that we were hit on the hand as toddlers--mostly because I saw them, and joined them







, in "smacking" my little sister's hand as a toddler.

The really interesting thing to me is, I can only actually remember being spanked once, but I do remember an urge to "protect my rear end" whenever I was in trouble (I think it must have been threatened...). I always felt vulnerable--not safe in my parents loving hands. And that is what one hit can do


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Edited to give more thoughtful reply in a bit


----------



## ParkersMama (Jan 29, 2003)

I was spanked, by hand and belt. I don't really remember it, but I have anger issues now, and when I was a teen I remember hitting friends to control them ... luckily that didn't last long, and those friends have forgiven me and maintained the friendship. Oftentimes, my first instinct is to lash out and spank (which I don't!!), and I truly feel it is because I was raised that way. It is that feeling that keeps me strong in those moments, because I don't want my child to go through it. My mom has told me that when she was a girl, they had to go out to the willow tree and pull their own switch ... and it had to be a good one, or the parent would go get one instead ... I can't even fathom that.


----------



## EllasMummy (Dec 10, 2003)

I was spanked with a wooden spoon when I was really bad and slapped on the hand pretty often.

It was always my dad that punished me. My mum would get upset and make me stay in my room until my dad came home. I remember waiting for her to tell him what I had done and then he would call be downstairs to his study.

Thinking about it now has upset me.







I can remember how frightened I was and how I would back into a corner with my hands behind my back. It was never as bad as my mums reaction. My mum would be upset with me for what seemed like days. She would ignore me and walk off if I tried to talk to her.

She still does this today even when its not me thats upset her.









I never go to my parents if I have a problem. I am still scared of their reactions today and I am 28 years old.









I really don't want this for my daughter. I am here to learn how to do it gently.


----------



## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

Yes, I was spanked often. And it was traumatizing to me. I always felt that my mom didn't love me anymore, regardless of how the spanking was done. I didn't understand how someone who loved me could do that to me.

My parents later went through counseling and apologized to me.


----------



## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

Not spanked as an "educated" and thought through part of pareting.

But my mom spanked me out of anger several times. She also hit me in the face a few times, and kicked me in the back a few times.

But mostly, she yelled and belitteled me.

She still does this to my youngest brother who lives at home. And to the 3 of us that DOESN`T live home, if we try to talk to her about anything we don`t agree about.







:


----------



## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

Wow, 23 of us have voted, and only 2 voted no.









I don't remember being spanked in the traditional sense (on the behind in a planned way), but my mother used to smack me on the upper arm if she lost her cool. She did it until I was somewhere in my teens, so Iremember it pretty well, and it really hurt.

But the worst part was that it totally took away any power I had. I could argue and argue and argue and try to get her to see my point, but once she smacked me it was like saying, "Shut the hell up; I'm bigger than you, I'm the mom, and you're nothing. And there's nothing you can do about it."


----------



## cinnamonamon (May 2, 2003)

Spanked occasionally as a child - before I was a teen. She used a spoon or 1 x 2 stick usually. Never left marks or did more than sting for a few minutes and was reserved for the worst mischief.

I never felt abused, and still don't, but I don't know that it did a whole lot of good. Perhaps made us a little more careful not to get caught if we were going to do something we weren't supposed to. As teens they switched to grounding & other removal of privilege, with the same effect -- not that we were terrible, but ykwim.

Since I've come here, I've found so many better alternatives. Things to actually help a child understand, not just teach him that *you* are boss and to do as you say.


----------



## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Twice, as I recall, both times by my mother after I really worked at pushing all her buttons and just would not stop being a complete PITA. I wasn't especially traumatized by it, but it did make a big impression on me. Mostly I got sent to my room if I was misbehaving.

DH's mother used to hit her kids fairly regularly with some kind of wooden gadget. She had five boys, and FIL worked pretty much all the time. MIL felt overwhelmed most of the time. I think she regrets it now. She really has become a different person, and while dh would never advocate hitting our kids, I think he understands where she was coming from back then.


----------



## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

My mother's favorite implement- the wooden spoon. G'ma used it on us (grandkids) too. Also been smacked with an open hand, & remember those metal & plastic flyswatters? Those too. I must have been about 10 or 11 when my mother used that one for the last time. It left a mark & I told her I was going to call child services on her if she ever left a mark on me again.

I have been held at the throat by my father, against a wall, with his fist in my face threatening to punch me. He was drunk at the time. Come to think of it, he was usually drunk when he lost it.

Quote:

I never go to my parents if I have a problem. I am still scared of their reactions today
Ditto. And I'm 33. The whole family is under very strict instructions that whenever we visit, NOBODY is to hit my kids, or else we don't visit anymore. And they know I mean it.


----------



## Nate (Sep 3, 2003)

My mom spanked. I don't think my dad ever did. And yet I've always had a closer relationship w/ her--go figure.

My mom now says that she only spanked if safety were an issue--like if we'd just run into the street or something. And yet I remember being spanked for sneaking frosting off a cake (I used to run my finger around the edge & the middle, where the frosting was. Unfortunately, I couldn't just stop at taking stray frosting off the plate...). My brother still spanks his ds (just turned 8) occasionally, and mom has said that he should stop--that he's too old for that, and yet I have a very strong memory of running away from her & protecting my butt w/ my hands to no avail when I was at least 12 (I know I was at least that old, b/c of the house we were in). I think she meant to reserve it for safety times, but her anger would get the better of her when we misbehaved. I'm not mad at her, just sad that she didn't feel she had any other resources. I definitely think it means I have to really think about my own reaction to misbehavior, though--a few months ago dd was crawling around, exploring her room, and kept trying to unplug something, and my first reaction when she'd done it more than once & wasn't allowing herself to be re-directed was to lightly slap her hand. I HATE that my instinct is something like that!

DH was never spanked, although I have other issues w/ the way he was raised (boarding school at age 13 for a very shy, sensitive kid? Humpf.)

Of course, we were visiting my parents last month, and dd (11 mos at the time) was going through a phase of biting me on the shoulder & upper arm, and I was







w/ my mom about how to deal w/ it, and she said "well, when she does it you could try just flicking her w/ your finger."









Oh, yeah, that'll teach a good lesson to be stored up for when someone at playgroup bites her. "I'll just hit back!" When I said "uh, no" and explained why, she seemed to think my reasoning was good. Geez, that's a relief...


----------



## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

&=**


----------



## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

I was spanked on my bottom with a hand, maybe five times. My mom's emotional abuse was tons worse. My mom slapped my sister in the face once when she was 15, then she (my mom) cried.

L.


----------



## Overproducktion (Aug 31, 2003)

My mom never spanked me--but she did slap me once when I was a teenager--and I can't blame her.

My dad always spanked me. I LOVE my dad, but I have more respect for my mom than I do my dad.

I have spanked my children before-







But, it was because I lost control of myself.

Like one time ds 3 tried to run across a busy street-(i should have been watching him more careful)-One time ds 2 tried to stick my keys in an outlet at the dentist (I shouldn't have gave him my keys to play with), and my reaction was to smack his hand away--things like that.

I know that I could have prevented it. But we all make mistakes.


----------



## majazama (Aug 2, 2003)

I was spanked on several occations that I remember vividly. My dad was 6'4" and I was a four year old., on one such occasion. I remember being so scared, running away from him. I ran into my mom's room where she was breastfeeding my 2 year old brother, and she wouldn't help me or hide me. He always used his hand, and we were put across his lap.

My mom, on the other hand prefered the wooden spoon. She would always say "I'm going to get the wooden spoon" and my brother and I would scatter... we would hear the spoon being taken out of the utensil jar. She rarely used it.

My parents are great and I understand why they would spank me. They were both abused in one way or another, so I'm happy that they didn't take it all out on us kids. Spanking was very rare.


----------



## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

I know I was spanked as a child, because I have a vague memory of one occurance. I have no idea how often or for what, or even who did it, though. I don't remember much from my childhood, though I think I must have been yelled at and had my hand slapped quite a bit, because those are my first reactions with ds.

I do remember one time, when I was 11 or 12 and I was being mouthy, my mom slapped me across the face, hard, then sent me to my room. It was Christmas Eve.

I think dh's mom must have been quite verbally abusive and a yeller(his dad was always at work) because that's how dh interacts with ds. He's working very hard on stopping it, but he does still have a tendancy to lash out when he gets angry. He also has a knee-jerk reaction when ds hurts him (which is unfortunately often) to shove ds away or tell him to go away.







We're trying to work on that, too.


----------



## dado (Dec 31, 2002)

yep. physically, verbally and emotionally, from about as early as i can remember, mostly for reasons i never understood. mother only, dad rarely and for very specific reasons.

no, i will not spank my children.


----------



## Juliacat (May 8, 2002)

I was spanked, hand on clothed bottom, when I was between the ages of 2 and 5. I remember being spanked for

-slapping my dad in the face
-unraveling a whole roll of toilet paper
-stepping in a pumpkin pie that was cooling on the floor of our car's backseat
-saying "oh my god" and "damn"
-yelling in my mom's ear while she was driving on an unfamiliar road
-being cranky

On the whole, I was spanked probably a dozen times. Never abusively. My parents were not emotionally abusive either. I don't blame them for it; they honestly thought that not spanking would be neglectful and unloving. And yet, being spanked had a terrible effect on me and I am still not "over" it.


----------

