# using both parents' last names



## VeryLovingMama (Oct 22, 2012)

Hi, not sure exactly where to post this, but wondering if anyone has thoughts/advice for me.....my hubby and i have different last names (I don't plan on ever changing my name). When my babe was born last year I conceded to giving his papa's last name. Lately I'm regretting that, feeling like I really want my last name to be a part of my son's identity. Right now his second middle name is my last name (Watson) but I'd like to officially change it to be part of his last name, while he's still too young to notice a change. Anyone out there been through this (either as a parent or child?) (btw, both of our names start with W and are 2 syllables, if that makes a difference.)

thanks.....


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

I never changed my name, and we hyphenated our last names for our son. My last name was put first, and that is the name used in some places (pediatricians' office, for example). I've been told that if he wants to drop one of the names, he'd better do it before 18, because it is easier to change the name of a minor. My son doesn't want to keep using both names.

What I'm saying is your child may have different preferences when older.

Whatever your decision, I wish you happiness.


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

I have two last names and it is so annoying. My name is 27 letters long. it does not fit on forms, and has cause confusion throughout my life in school, work, and so on. Leave ti the way it is. Your name is still part of his name, just leave it as a middle name. My BF does this with all of her kids. They all have the same middle name which is her last name.


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## LittleBlackBug (Aug 6, 2009)

DH and I negotiated before having kids. I wanted to pass my last name on and so did he. We agreed to give boys his last name and girls mine. We will be adopting to even out the genders.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

We had to consider this before DD was born. SO and I aren't married, so we have different last names. In the end we decided to give her his last name with mine as a second middle name. We thought about hyphenating but I read up on it a lot, including a lot from people with hyphenated names, and most seemed to really hate having a hyphenated name because of all of the problems and challenges it presented.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I kept my name and let the dh keep his. Our children bear a hyphenated name. I don't have any illusions that they will keep the unwieldy name forever but in the here and now, I get part "credit" for being their primary parent all these years. My kids both talk about re-adopting short surnames from the greater family tree... that's fine by me. Once you pay your own way, you can change your name to whatever you like.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

We have different last names and ended up giving the kids his last name. I am okay with it, though sometimes I wish I had added mine-my last name is much more unusual and has a pretty strong meaning for me. Part of it is that my stepdaughter also has just dp's last name and I wanted all the kids to have the same name, but I also just didn't want them to have to "pick" a name later.

I also know people who have hyphenated the last names and everyone seems fine about that too


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## VeryLovingMama (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks all for your replies. I feel relief to hear others who have done it, but also appreciate hearing from someone who had 2 last names and hated it. Hmmm....would love to hear from more people who actually had to live with 2 last names. Also, has anyone ever had any issues while traveling with a child who doesn't have the same last name as you? That's one of my bigger concerns.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I kept my name and let the dh keep his. Our children bear a hyphenated name. I don't have any illusions that they will keep the unwieldy name forever but in the here and now, I get part "credit" for being their primary parent all these years. My kids both talk about re-adopting short surnames from the greater family tree... that's fine by me. Once you pay your own way, you can change your name to whatever you like.


That is very much how we've approached it. I've told the kids that they're free to do whatever they want when they're adults. We won't be angry or hurt regardless of what they decide, but we made the decision based on the here and now. Our area has a large number of multiple last name kids because we have lots of progressive parents who don't change their own names and Hispanic families who use non-US naming conventions. DS is one of 4 kids in his class with hyphenated names; DD is one of 5. With that many people who have hyphenated names, I feel like it's less of an issue for our kids, but I understand that it's a bit cumbersome for them.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I have two friends who did the Two last names thing. In both cases, the father is not involved anymore...the mom remarried, and now has a different last name, but the kids have this double last name, no father and a Step dad with a different name.

It's confusing sometimes because sending Christmas cards is a mind bender. "The Davis/Garrfeildwebber family".??? <---seriously..I'm asking.. how do I address the cards?

I think combining names is a beautiful idea if the names mesh pretty well, and, if you know the Dad will still be there in five or ten years.

I named my daughter after me only. But, it was because her dad and I weren't married, and I just felt like he would not be in our lives a few years later....but, mostly because his last name is pretty awful, and would have set my daughter up for a lifetime of teasing...which is doable when Dad is in the picture, but when mom's last name, all the cousin's last name and grandparent's last name is a typical ordinary last name. (btw, it never worked out for he and I, but he's never left our daughter...I'm very pleased with how that worked out)


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

My exdh left us when I was pg with ds and I knew that after we got divorced I'd go back to my maiden name so I planned on naming him Firstname Middlename Mylastname-Exdh'slastname. I had an older son when I married exdh and he had my maiden name. I didn't want ds2 to be the only one with a different name, but I didn't want to be a total biatch and refuse to let him use ex's name. Honestly, it's unwieldy and most often, ds just uses his dad's name, like when heading school papers. On official stuff, the last letter of the compound name is always cut off. Strangely, ds is proud to have two last names.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *LittleBlackBug*
> 
> DH and I negotiated before having kids. I wanted to pass my last name on and so did he. We agreed to give boys his last name and girls mine. We will be adopting to even out the genders.


I hope you don't mean that last part the way it sounds...


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

I have never had any problems with my kids having a different last name, travelling or otherwise (like the doctor, etc.) It can be annoying, in terms of having to specify my last name versus the kids, but it has never been a big deal and is increasingly common.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VeryLovingMama*
> 
> Also, has anyone ever had any issues while traveling with a child who doesn't have the same last name as you? That's one of my bigger concerns.


Never. Not even when crossing international borders. Nor have we had issues at schools, summer camps, doctors' offices, hospitals or anywhere else where you might anticipate that paperwork or bureaucracy would make it an issue.

Having said that, I've always been prepared to deal with questions if they arise, by having the appropriate back-up paperwork.


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## LeighPF (Jan 20, 2010)

Traveling internationally, what ever the names, you would need a letter from the other parent (or proof that you don't need one). They fudge it for big kids who can say that the other parent knows they are traveling, but with my littles, we always do it.

DH's parents took eachothers names with a hyphen in the early eighties when they married, so DH has a hyphenated name, and I took it when I married him (which now I get to explain that neigth is my original make). Pain on the forms because of all the letters and the few old computer systems that don't recognize a hyphen. DH's brother dropped the second part of the name when he married. If I had a choice, I would have dropped the other part.

I dated a guy in high school that had a double last name with no hyphen and it was even harder to get it right on the forms.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

We hyphenated ds's last name. I was NOT willing to do only dp's name, we wanted a totally new last name but our names did not mesh together well to form a new name and we didn't come up with an alternative before ds was born. Ds likes that he shares a name with each of us, I think even more than if we all had the same name because he gets to have a special thing with each of us.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

Also I always say on the phone or whenever giving ds's name that it hyphenated before I begin
"What is the last name?"
"It is a hyphenated. It is firstlastname-secondlastname"

Granted I have a"harder" Italian last name and dp has a much more English/common last name so I was already used to name being spelled wrong mispronounced before ds was born.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I actually changed my older two's last names to include mine, they originally just had Dh's last name. I choose double last names no hyphen, but I add in a hyphen for all forms otherwise I've discovered that places get confused and end up dropping a name. My reasoning for legally choosing no hyphen was that I thought it would be easier as they got older if they wanted to just go by one last name for everyday life. Not sure if my thinking was flawed there! It has made for long names for my kids, but so far, my oldest is in 4th grade only, they like having both mom and dad's names.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

My kids' names are hyphenated, mylastname-dad'slastname. I kind of wish that we had just put the two names together with no space or hyphen or anything. It's only nine letters long all together and four syllables. Since we didn't, though, best case scenario is that they drop dh's last name some day because mine is much more interesting. It means "peace" in Swahili and Arabic, and it sounds nice, and sounds nice with their names. His is not Jones, but is pretty darned close in terms of how exciting it is. I have never told him that I hope this, though.







He's not that attached to his last name anyway. We used it because his dad said that it was really important to him and we love his dad... But until he chimed in the plan was to give them a completely different last name.


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## moderatemom (Aug 16, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LittleBlackBug*
> 
> DH and I negotiated before having kids. I wanted to pass my last name on and so did he. We agreed to give boys his last name and girls mine. We will be adopting to even out the genders.


Holy cow...I hope you have better reasons that that to adopt children!


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## MichelleZB (Nov 1, 2011)

I just want to chime in to say that both my parents kept their names, and I have a hyphenated last name: Momslast-Dadslast. My name is pretty long, and somewhat hard to spell. I just really wanted to say that I have never suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. I rather like having a unique last name, and for people who had trouble with it, I just spelled it out slower and we all survived.

When I married, I kept my hyphenated last name because I think it is cool.

There's nothing wrong with hyphenated last names! Go for it.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> Since we didn't, though, best case scenario is that they drop dh's last name some day because mine is much more interesting. It means "peace" in Swahili and Arabic, and it sounds nice, and sounds nice with their names. His is not Jones, but is pretty darned close in terms of how exciting it is. I have never told him that I hope this, though.
> 
> ...


LOL, they is my secret hope as well. My last name is unique, very few of us, and I am the last in my particular family branch that kept it. That is what happens when most of the babies were girls for generations and they all changed their names. Dh's last name is a four letter rather common name. To add to it, we have zero contact with any person in his family but my family all lives within a 30 mile range. I do hope at least one child decides to keep my name, but I won't put that pressure on them so I've never mentioned it.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

I have a hyphenated last name. When I divorced, I took a cherished family name as my last (as opposed to my "maiden" name). When I remarried, to my in-law's continued disapproval, I hyphenated. My pregnancy with DH was very rocky and I honestly didn't know whether the marriage would last (after a lot of work, we seem to be okay)...but one of my sticking points (especially since my in-law's had a big, big hope we could continue a family tradition of a middle & last name that DH has (which I thought was really pushing it, but I understand why they wanted it) was that our child have a hyphenated last name (otherwise I could've settled on my last name as a middle).

My older son has a hyphenated last name (family name + his dad's last name). He doesn't like it just because it's a hassle, but I've told him he can change it once he's 18 & he says he won't...it's not that big of a deal to him...he just finds it a pain to fill out forms and sometimes names get mixed up, like at the pharmacy (for me, not him 

There is no perfect answer.

To add to the mix, we ended up changing our son's first name also. We always had a nickname for him at home & decided when he was still quite young to legally change it. It fit him better and we've NEVER regretted it. We didn't tell anybody 'til the ink was dry, either.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> It's confusing sometimes because sending Christmas cards is a mind bender. "The Davis/Garrfeildwebber family".??? <---seriously..I'm asking.. how do I address the cards?


I came up with my own weirdo solution for our return addresses...I omit all of our last names completely. So it might read (pseudonyms):

John, Ellie, Marco, and Polo

6 Main Street

Or whatever. You can do the same when you address an envelope. Or you can write everybody's full names. People can and will be offended sometimes whichever way you go.

You can also ask the intended family for their preference.

I got very irritated for a couple years with MIL, who refused to acknowledge our little guy's hyphenated last name. Mostly I let it go. It makes me feel better when she orders him a kid magazine (which arrives addressed only to his first name and the part of his last name that they share) or whatever to call the company and have them correct it, and it will be an increasing issue when he learns to read. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Additionally, as a PP said, I typically preface explaining my last name (if I am on the phone with a doctor or whomever) by saying "I [or my sons] have a hyphenated last name...[give a couple second's for processing time], which is Smith-Jones."


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *McGucks*
> 
> I got very irritated for a couple years with MIL, who refused to acknowledge our little guy's hyphenated last name. Mostly I let it go. It makes me feel better when she orders him a kid magazine (which arrives addressed only to his first name and the part of his last name that they share) or whatever to call the company and have them correct it, and it will be an increasing issue when he learns to read. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.


Oh man! My FIL (who I mostly adore) always always always spells Augie's name wrong (2 g's) and leaves out my last name. Drives me crazy! But to tell the truth, I don't know that dh ever told him exactly what our kids' names are. I'm sure he's seen the first name spelled out a bunch of times in emails, though.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MichelleZB*
> 
> I just want to chime in to say that both my parents kept their names, and I have a hyphenated last name: Momslast-Dadslast. My name is pretty long, and somewhat hard to spell. I just really wanted to say that I have never suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. I rather like having a unique last name, and for people who had trouble with it, I just spelled it out slower and we all survived.
> 
> ...


What last name do your kids have? In these scenarios my mind always goes to imagining two people with hyphenated names getting married, both keeping their names, and both insisting on passing their names along to the baby, resulting in the baby being named John William Smith-Jones-Wilson-Reed.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

I have told my DS1 (hyphenated) that when he turns 18, he can change his last name to either of the last names or whatever he likes, and that if/when he gets married or commits to someone, they certainly have my blessing (not that they need it) to do whatever they like in the last name department.


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## IrishWristwatch (Sep 15, 2011)

Mine have hyphenated names as well. Mine comes first, as it does in my name (I hyphenated as well). They don't mind and proudly say their full name.

If at some point they want to drop one name, that's fine. I'll even help them do it. But for now I'm happy that they have both of our names.

IF we were to choose one name, Dh and I agree the kids should ahve my name. It's my family they know best and associate with; it's me who does most of the raising and parenting, by the nature of Dh's work he's just not around a lot. Not that they don't love their dad, but he's just not around much. I am. My family is. This is the name they know and are growing up with.


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## Neuromancer (Jan 15, 2008)

Our first child has my last name as a second (and seldom used) middle name and my husband's last name as his last name. This was a compromise. I wanted him to have my last name, but there is no other baby to carry on the "family name" for my husband's family, and there are several babies in my family line to carry on that name.

But it's been agreed that if we have a second child (regardless of gender) that baby will have my last name. Since my husband and I have different last names, it's clearly not important to us that everyone in the family has the same last name, so we are fine with kids having different last names.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Heads up for those whose children might be dropping one name from a hyphenated name!!

I was told that it's easier to change the child's name before either 18 or 21, not sure which. This is in the US. So, look into the laws. I have to, because I know my son wants to drop his father's name.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> Heads up for those whose children might be dropping one name from a hyphenated name!!
> I was told that it's easier to change the child's name before either 18 or 21, not sure which. This is in the US. So, look into the laws. I have to, because I know my son wants to drop his father's name.


It's easy to change your name in the states as an adult. I've had a friend go to court and do it twice.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> It's confusing sometimes because sending Christmas cards is a mind bender. "The Davis/Garrfeildwebber family".??? <---seriously..I'm asking.. how do I address the cards?


For both my cards and cards I send to other families with multiple names, I address it either as "The Smith Jones Family" (or Smith-Jones) or Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones and Family. If there were more than 2 names, I would probably do it the same way, The Smith-Jones-Davis Family.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> It's easy to change your name in the states as an adult. I've had a friend go to court and do it twice.


I was told it's getting more difficult, except for minors. How long ago did your friend do that?


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> I was told it's getting more difficult, except for minors. How long ago did your friend do that?


I changed my name 4 years ago - $50 and a quickie court appearance. It's super simple.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> I changed my name 4 years ago - $50 and a quickie court appearance. It's super simple.


Thanks for the info! I'll have to ask my friend what she means by "more difficult".


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> Heads up for those whose children might be dropping one name from a hyphenated name!!
> I was told that it's easier to change the child's name before either 18 or 21, not sure which. This is in the US. So, look into the laws. I have to, because I know my son wants to drop his father's name.


I'm not sure how this works for men (I sure hope it's the same!), but when a woman gets married, she can choose a new last name. It doesn't have to actually be the new husband's last name, she can choose any name she wants. I didn't want my husband's name, but I didn't like my family name either (it was an ugly terrible name and I didn't feel any great unity with my family anyway), so I just dropped my last name and wrote my middle name in for my new last. It was free (well, except it probably cost us something to get the marriage certificate, but nothing extra).


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

The court paperwork was no biggie, but changing the name on a social security card can be a pain. Depends on how "local" your local social security office is.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

the kids have just my last name we are happy with that


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I'm not sure how this works for men (I sure hope it's the same!), but when a woman gets married, she can choose a new last name. It doesn't have to actually be the new husband's last name, she can choose any name she wants. I didn't want my husband's name, but I didn't like my family name either (it was an ugly terrible name and I didn't feel any great unity with my family anyway), so I just dropped my last name and wrote my middle name in for my new last. It was free (well, except it probably cost us something to get the marriage certificate, but nothing extra).


pretty sure this applies to first names as well.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> I changed my name 4 years ago - $50 and a quickie court appearance. It's super simple.


it costs nearly $200 but yeah it was super easy


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## silversparrow (Oct 21, 2011)

I grew up having a hyphenated name and hated it. I now just use one of them. Like someone else said, my name never fit on forms, and I was always having to explain my name to people. I used to get teased about being married and people at school would call me by my last names as sort of a joke nick-name, which sucked, because I really like my much more unique first name and the nick-name for it.

For my son, we agreed that he should have my husbands last name because it's much more rare and he has few male cousins to pass it along. My name(s) is(are) quite common and I have lots of siblings and cousins on both sides to carry it(them) on. It would be like having Jones-Brown, or something... I have even met people who are not related to me, but have the same hyphenated name!

I don't really like the whole system of patriliniage, but I see how passing on my fathers or my maternal grandfathers name will change that. Instead, I have chosen my sons middle name to be after the first name of someone I care about, which means a lot more to me anyway. If I have a daughter someday, I will pass on a female family first name that has been passed on for at least 5 generations of women on my mothers side.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Changing our son's name was either $40 or $50.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

My ds has my dh's last name and my dd has mine. It's a bit odd, but both our last names are two syllables and they don't really sound good hyphenated. I kind of wish we had given ds my last name as a second middle name and dh's last name to dd as a second middle name, but oh well, they will be ok either way. I had a coworker who was born and raised in Sweden who said that there the husband and wife have three choices: both take the husband's name, both take the wife's name, or they start over with a different name altogether -- not sure if they just make it up or choose one from the country they live in.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I'm not usually a fan of long names and especially two last names placed on a child. They have to go through school and learn how to write all that from a young age. But my stepsister and her partner just had a baby and they gave their child both their last names and it's a really pretty name.


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## Oliver'sMom (Jul 17, 2007)

I also grew up with a hyphenated name and hated it.

What I disliked most about it was that it made me feel like we weren't really a family. I know that sounds dramatic, or weird, but as a kid growing up, I would hear people refer to families as the "Smith family", or the "Brown family". I felt that since we didn't all share the same name, we weren't really a team if that makes any sense.

My last name was super long too and just all around ridiculous. When I met my husband, one of the things that attracted me to him was his 4 letter, simple to say and spell last name lol. I couldn't wait to ditch my hyphenated name when we got married! My husband and I often give each other high fives and say "go team ****!!!" Cheesy, I know, but it feels really good to me


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## swede (Nov 21, 2010)

That's a strange reason to adopt.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LittleBlackBug*
> 
> DH and I negotiated before having kids. I wanted to pass my last name on and so did he. We agreed to give boys his last name and girls mine. We will be adopting to even out the genders.


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## LitMom (Mar 6, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I'm not sure how this works for men (I sure hope it's the same!), but when a woman gets married, she can choose a new last name. It doesn't have to actually be the new husband's last name, she can choose any name she wants. I didn't want my husband's name, but I didn't like my family name either (it was an ugly terrible name and I didn't feel any great unity with my family anyway), so I just dropped my last name and wrote my middle name in for my new last. It was free (well, except it probably cost us something to get the marriage certificate, but nothing extra).


DH and I both changed our names to a hyphenated one when we got married. No big deal, didn't cost anything. It's not a hassle very often, but we do live in a big city with many more unusual names than ours. Even hyphenated, it's 3 syllables and 11 letters, which doesn't seem terribly unwieldy to me. I do tell people its hyphenated before I start spelling. Computer systems that don't take hyphens take it as all one name without an issue, and it fits on most forms and such. My brother and sister in law liked the solution enough that they did it too, which I think is cool. Theirs is 3 syllables and 11 letters too!

I do like, however, that all our last names match with DH, the kids, and I. We can still be "the Such-NSuches." When the kids get married... it's their problem! No really, we won't be offended whatever they choose to do, so they can work it out for themselves. My hyphenated-maiden-name friend got married and they all chose an entirely new married name for their whole family. They went to a five letter, entirely new last name.


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## VeryLovingMama (Oct 22, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for your input. Update: I went ahead and legally changed my sons last name to include mine. So now he has 2 last names, mine and his dad's. I feel much better now that my child and I share a name. And i think down the road, when he's old enough to understand, he will appreciate it.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VeryLovingMama*
> 
> Thanks to everyone for your input. Update: I went ahead and legally changed my sons last name to include mine. So now he has 2 last names, mine and his dad's. I feel much better now that my child and I share a name. And i think down the road, when he's old enough to understand, he will appreciate it.


Good update and nice to know you've reached a satisfactory outcome.

Yesterday, after she answered the phone, DD commented on one very nice advantage we have since I didn't change my name. When someone calls, asking for MRS. Myhusband'slastname, the kids know right away that it's a stranger, likely a telemarketer. She said it's been a tipoff for her since she was very young. (Someone called trying to sell us a wholesale grocery share).


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## WalkingAround (Oct 21, 2010)

When I got married to my DH, I kept my last name. I have no plans on changing it. When our DD was born, we chose not to hyphenate and gave her my last name only.

My in laws were furious and even my own parents were uncomfortable with the idea. When people notice that DD has my last name and not DH's, I get a lot of raised eyebrows. No one ever says anything in front of DH, but people occasionally pull me aside to ask why. Out of the few who've asked, I've had mostly positive reactions. Although some people are weirded out by the whole thing. What's important is that DH and I are comfortable and happy with the decision.


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## VeryLovingMama (Oct 22, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *WalkingAround*
> 
> When I got married to my DH, I kept my last name. I have no plans on changing it. When our DD was born, we chose not to hyphenate and gave her my last name only.
> 
> My in laws were furious and even my own parents were uncomfortable with the idea. When people notice that DD has my last name and not DH's, I get a lot of raised eyebrows. No one ever says anything in front of DH, but people occasionally pull me aside to ask why. Out of the few who've asked, I've had mostly positive reactions. Although some people are weirded out by the whole thing. What's important is that DH and I are comfortable and happy with the decision.


Your hubby sounds very cool. Not many guys would be comfortable with that. Mine would not have gone for my name only.


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## Nimali (Feb 2, 2010)

This is something I've been thinking about as well, although I'm thinking about changing the name from a hyphenated to just one. When I got pregnant with my oldest son, my partner and I weren't married, so we hyphenated (mylast-hislast). Now, 5 years and another child later, we have decided to get married after all. I'm going to change my name to his, so it only makes sense that the kids have the same name as their parents. My last name can be a tricky one to have anyway, so that makes that decision even easier. The thing I'm considering though, is to allow my sons to make the decision to change their last name when they're older, and wait until then to legally change it. In the meantime, I want to just use their dad's last name as the name they go by, and only use their hyphenated name for official things.


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## ambernichole (Sep 22, 2011)

When I got married my husband and I discussed all the different ways to approach the last name issue and in the end we settled on us both keeping our own last names. It saved us the hassle of changing a ton of documents and worked really well for us.

When we started discussing having children, we again discussed all the options and settled on combining our names. We've since had two kids, whose last names are the middle syllable of my last name and the last syllable of my husband's last name. It sounds good, has a piece from each of us, and avoids the hyphen.

Even though we have different last names, we consider our kids' last name our family name, and people do address cards to us that way. It's of course a little confusing for folks because it's unorthodox, and my children aren't old enough to have opinions about it yet, but we're happy with the decision so far.


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## Meagan Palmer (Jan 24, 2012)

We decided on my husband's last name simply because his last name is more unique, and went better with our son's first and middle names. Kivig is way better than Palmer and goes better with Eno Valentin ;-). That's how wet choose our son's last name.
Now, if my husband hadn't had such a great last name,I would have wanted us to pick a whole new last name for the family. I've never been one to automatically take my husband's last name. Never understood the idea that women still take their last name in these modern times. We no longer need to do that seeing we're no longer property.


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## ahdancesing (Sep 27, 2011)

I want to make sure there is a post in this thread that is a strong advocate for babies having momma's last name...in case that is something you are considering. I have a tough time understanding why we maintain the naming tradition (changing the woman's last name to match the man's last name & giving the children the father's last name).

My daughter has my last name.

My friend's children have her last name.

A local lawyer gave his children his wife's last name because he believes women do more of the rearing so he believes that she should be honored for her contribution.

The list goes on and on.

Good luck! Naming my daughter was one of the hardest things I did!


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## velveeta (May 30, 2002)

[quote name="Meagan Palmer" url="/community/t/1370349/using-both-parents-last-names/30# Never understood the idea that women still take their last name in these modern times. We no longer need to do that seeing we're no longer property.[/quote]

Is it that hard to understand? I certainly don't consider myself my DH's "property". And I do consider myself modern. My DH, my children and I all share a name because we're all in this together and it feels right for us.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

But isn't the reason the changing of the woman's name was originally done because she was her husband's property? I can see that some might be offended by that. I just didn't like my husband's last name, and was slightly uncomfortable with his family, so I kept my name.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

yep. dh's last name ends in Dorf lol yeah wasnt taking that


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

We discussed this way before we married. I tried to talk DH into taking my name or into letting our kids have my name (particularly as I have only 1 male cousin with the name and no brothers, and he has 2 brothers, so his name is more likely to get passed on). He was totally unmovable on the issue--said he would have considered it but didn't like my last name. And this is a man who teaches feminist theory classes.







He liked the idea of combining our names or choosing an entirely new one, but I didn't like either of those ideas. My mom didn't take my dad's name and I didn't like not having the same last name as my mom, so I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. So we went with the cultural default where I took his name and the kids get his name (with the added twist that he take my last name as a middle name... which we never got nailed down legally but he's used socially and I think he forgets that isn't really his legal middle name). All this time later I sort of wish I had gone for the combined/reinvented name after all, but I don't feel like changing it again, and while I sort of wish I'd kept solidarity with the non-name-changers it's not worth it to me at this point to change back to my maiden name.

We did not give our daughter my maiden name as a middle name, because my mom did that and I hated it and gladly ditched it when I married DH. We also did not hyphenate because that would be 16 letters and both of us have names that nobody can ever seem to spell or pronounce correctly. I think hyphenation is better for Becker-Weavers and Smith-Watsons and such.

My sister has the same middle name and (obviously) same family background and kept her name. I don't think she's going to have kids, though, so they might not face that naming issue.


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