# 2 yo DD ripped her shoes apart - consequences?



## EzzysMom (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm steaming. My 2 year old DD just ripped her sneakers apart in a non-repairable way in the car. She started to do it, said "it broke", I was somewhere I couldn't stop safely or even see quite honestly since she's facing backwards. I told her to stop and put it down. She continued and ripped the shoes the rest of the way apart.

I'm ticked, obviously she's not old enough to have her buy herself another pair of shoes like a 10 year old with an allowance could. I'm not buying her another pair for at least a few weeks. She has a pair of keens which are appropriate for the weather now, so she'll have no choice of shoes for a while. Obviously that's a natural consequence.

Erg I'm mad. What else makes sense?

Maybe she won't be allowed to wear shoes in the car for a month or something, I'll have to take them on and off as we get in and out.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

Am not sure that there is much of a consequence here except explaining that those shoes are broken now, and can't be worn, and explaining to her that it's important to take care of things like shoes, so she has something to wear on her feet on the playground, etc.

And maybe explaining that you don't want her to destroy things like her shoes, as well.


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## Abraisme (Mar 8, 2009)

This sounds like totally normal 2yo behavior. Perhaps the "no shoes in the car" rule could happen for a couple of days, but I think a month is far too long at that age. My son hated it when I wouldn't let him wear his shoes in the car, so I would often use that as a consequence, but only in the moment.

Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

Am not sure that there is much of a consequence here except explaining that those shoes are broken now, and can't be worn, and explaining to her that it's important to take care of things like shoes, so she has something to wear on her feet on the playground, etc.

And maybe explaining that you don't want her to destroy things like her shoes, as well.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Abraisme* 
This sounds like totally normal 2yo behavior. Perhaps the "no shoes in the car" rule could happen for a couple of days, but I think a month is far too long at that age. My son hated it when I wouldn't let him wear his shoes in the car, so I would often use that as a consequence, but only in the moment.

Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?

















to both


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## EzzysMom (Mar 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

She told me it was broken. She is very verbal and I don't believe she was out to destroy her shoe, I believe it started as an accident but then she didn't listen and stop when I told her to. She then came home and told her daddy that she broke her shoes.

She ripped the cushioning off of the insole to the shoe which gives arch support and such (not just a flat cushion) into several pieces so we can't put it back together. They were in fine shape when I put them back on her at the grocery store (the stop before she took them off again and ripped it up).

Thanks for the thoughts


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## EzzysMom (Mar 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Abraisme* 
Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?









They were pediped flex's. I like to buy the flexible ones so she can move well, she tends to fall down more in the stiffer shoes, but that also means that they are softer for breaking.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Sounds like she was just curious...it is annoying, and not like you want or can be a fountain of new shoes, but it will probably be a loooong time before she really listens to you when you tell her to stop anything.

Maybe when you have a quiet moment show her the shoes and say you are sorry they are broken but reinforce that what really bothers you is that she didn't listen when you told her to stop?

That said, it will still take her a while to learn how to do that. I have a delightful 5 YO DD and I still have to physically redirect her sometimes when I ask her to stopy xyz.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the others. She didn't know what she was doing, and at 2 she doesn't really understand that some things just can't be fixed. She's confident that you can fix ANYTHING.

That said, I understand the frustration of telling a 2yo to stop and have them continue. I really don't say "no" or "stop" very much, so when I do say it, I really really mean it... someone is or is about to get very hurt, or something is being destroyed. I'm really trying to figure out how to get across that my commands to stop doing something are not arbitrary, don't exist just to be background noise, and it's actually important to listen to me when I say it. As I said, I really don't say it very often: she's generally a cautious and careful kid and most of the things we do and places we go are relatively safe for her. When I say it, I REALLY mean it.

As of yet, I haven't figured out a way to get that across yet, and sometimes it's very frustrating.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Or maybe the company will send you a free replacement pair.


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## Artichokie (Jun 19, 2007)

i guess i have to disagree with the majority.







:

I have a very verbal 2 yr old and i would fully expect her to obey me and put the shoes down. I would also come up with some sort of consequence if she destroyed perfectly good shoes. I guess I would come up with something she loves to do (for example, help let the dogs out), and then tell her she couldn't because her shoes were ruined. If she, on her own, came up with a substitute pair, I would accept that and let her help, but only if she came up with that solution on her own.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Except it's about more than being verbal. You can't really expect a 2 year old to have full understanding of the situation, nor the understanding at the time that ripped shoes are gone for good.


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## Artichokie (Jun 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Except it's about more than being verbal. You can't really expect a 2 year old to have full understanding of the situation, nor the understanding at the time that ripped shoes are gone for good.

Mine would have adequate understanding, and the OP thinks her would, too, which is the reason I spoke up. There is a whole lot of variation in what a child of 2 can understand, and in my case, my dd would definitely get it.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

There's a big difference between understanding and having the impulse control to stop, which is what I'd imagine most 2 year olds would lack.


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## Sarah W (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EzzysMom* 
She told me it was broken. She is very verbal and I don't believe she was out to destroy her shoe, I believe it started as an accident but then she didn't listen and stop when I told her to. She then came home and told her daddy that she broke her shoes.

I wouldn't do anything. It's frustrating, but it wasn't really intentional. I don't really think it warrants a consequence.


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## Sarah W (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.

This.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I also have a very verbal 2yo, and I'm on the stricter side, but other than expressing my displeasure and explaining that the shoes have to be thrown away (I would do this in front of DS so her understood) I would not impose any consequences for this. It's irksome, but yeah, she's 2. Impulse control and compehension of end results...not there yet.

We normally do not sit immobile on our butts and expect toddlers to obey our words 100% of the time. Sometimes, often, you have to get up and intervene--not possible in the car, obviously. As we joke in our house, "the child is not yet under voice control."


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Twos are, by nature, deconstructionists. It sounds incredibly frustrating, but since you couldn't stop the action in the moment it seems unfair to punish her after the fact.


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

"Very verbal" doesn't mean "older." Just because a child is "very verbal" does not mean they somehow are more mature, or possess more self-control than a child who's less verbal.

2-year-olds destroy things sometimes. I'd be annoyed too, but you have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
"Very verbal" doesn't mean "older." Just because a child is "very verbal" does not mean they somehow are more mature, or possess more self-control than a child who's less verbal.

2-year-olds destroy things sometimes. I'd be annoyed too, but you have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Agreed. It also doesn't mean that they understand time or permanence. The most verbal 2yo in the universe just doesn't understand that when something is ruined, it's really ruined for good. I'm definitely not a "no rewards or punishments" mom, but I only punish when it's something that DD should have known not to do, but did anyway. She knows that she shouldn't hit her brother, she knows that she's not allowed to leave the back yard. Impulse control I make allowances for even in these cases, dependent upon the situation.

But for the situation mentioned here, she had no idea what she was doing or what was going to happen: which was why she was doing it. Being verbal doesn't make her understand the universe better.

Back to the time punishment, if she did it earlier today IMO it's too late to punish now anyway. They have no concept of time yet. My (very verbal) 2yo didn't remember that we went swimming (her very favorite thing in the world) 1/2 an hour after we did it yesterday. Tomorrow, she'll think that we did it tomorrow morning. Time isn't linear for them.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I'd call pedipeds and ask if they can send a replacement insert, and have a talk with my child about how we can't be ripping up our things.







But then, that'd be my *ideal* reaction... I may well not handle it as well as that when emotions get in the mix







(sorry, my 2 yo has been *really* trying lately - it's been difficult so I hear you on how irksome it is!







s )


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyNY* 
"Very verbal" doesn't mean "older." Just because a child is "very verbal" does not mean they somehow are more mature, or possess more self-control than a child who's less verbal.

2-year-olds destroy things sometimes. I'd be annoyed too, but you have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Kinda like, DS is very verbal. He can talk, and make himself understood, about what he's doing (as he has started doing recently "I eat now" or "I hit now") but he doesn't understand the world beyond him and his actions at that very moment.

ETA: The only thing the verbal part does for the rest of us, is let us know a fraction of a second earlier when we need to intervene.


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## EzzysMom (Mar 24, 2008)

OP here! Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I do agree that while my DD is very verbal, she does not understand the concept of ruined permanently and does expect me to fix everything. I had her throw out her shoes to help reinforce the concept (although I may go dig them out given the suggestions of new insoles).

I gotta say it's just been a rough day, no nap, and pregnancy hormones are rearing their heads. This just bothered me more than it should.

That said, she does usually listen when I yell stop, since I don't do it often, but I know that is not typical of her age either. Thanks for helping me think through this.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Eh... at two, she doesn't realize that it can't be fixed. She probably completely expected it to be magically fixed.

If she were six, then I'd be more angry. But, even then, kids tend to do things to their clothes that makes you wonder what they were thinking. My daughter wanted a pair of $40 sneakers in fifth grade, and on the first day of wearing them, she drew all over them with ball point pens.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MoreThanApplesauce* 
i guess i have to disagree with the majority.







:

I have a very verbal 2 yr old and i would fully expect her to obey me and put the shoes down. I would also come up with some sort of consequence if she destroyed perfectly good shoes. I guess I would come up with something she loves to do (for example, help let the dogs out), and then tell her she couldn't because her shoes were ruined. If she, on her own, came up with a substitute pair, I would accept that and let her help, but only if she came up with that solution on her own.

Gently, let me point out how it might feel from your dd's POV to know that the things she loves are always up for removal. I don't think it will encourage her to share with you, trust you, confide in you, or look to you as someone who will lovingly support her.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EzzysMom* 
OP here! Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I do agree that while my DD is very verbal, she does not understand the concept of ruined permanently and does expect me to fix everything. I had her throw out her shoes to help reinforce the concept (although I may go dig them out given the suggestions of new insoles).

I gotta say it's just been a rough day, no nap, and pregnancy hormones are rearing their heads. This just bothered me more than it should.

That said, she does usually listen when I yell stop, since I don't do it often, but I know that is not typical of her age either. Thanks for helping me think through this.

Glad you were able to understand.









Personally I wouldn't bother trying to get replacements for a shoe that a 2 year old could rip apart on their own. I need to check the brand DS wears, because he has put those things through a whole lot and they still look pretty darn new.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

You talk to her about it then let it go.

Honestly, IMO, for a 2 year old to tear a shoe apart that easy the shoe was poorly made and not worth the emotions -- easier said that done when pregnant.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.

This. A pair of shoes for 2 year olds should be sturdy enough to hold up to a 2 year old playing with them. My DD wore See Kai Run shoes at that age. They are very flexible. We bought most of them on ebay because of the cost of the ones from the actual company. You should call the company. With our last pair of See Kai Run shoes, the insoles became unglued after getting wet inside. I sent the company a picture and called them and they sent us a new pair of shoes.

Also it doesn't matter how verbal a 2 year old is they still don't have much impulse control.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

I suggest Preschoolians, if you can afford them. The insoles come out easily, (I seem to recall numerous occasions of having to hunt for them because DD took them out and left them somewhere as a toddler) but if any part of the shoe fails to hold up to the child's wear they'll replace it. They're guaranteed to not wear out.

As for consequences, being stuck with her other pair of shoes (though honestly at that age my DD only had 1 pair of shoes to begin with) and being shoeless in the car for a week or so (i.e., a bit longer than she's likely to even remember the incident) would be plenty. And those aren't punitive--I wouldn't be running out to buy new shoes because they aren't in the budget, and would want to preserve the remaining pair.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Funny, while I was reading this thread last night my 5 YO left her flipflops on the floor in the living room and our 7 month old lab puppy ate half of one.

Her favorite flipflops! And now they are RUINNNNNNNNNNED. She is bummed out. Shoes are supposed to go in her room with the door closed for the dog...


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I would buy cheaper shoes. Really, if she's going to be breaking things she doesn't get "nice" (read: expensive) things until she doesn't break them anymore.

I buy cheap shoes for my son (they last what, a few months tops at this age??) and then if something happens to them I can buy a new pair for not much money.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Hey, at least they didn't get thrown out the car window! I have to lock my youngest window now.

I can't think of any logical consequence, TBH, besides taking shoes off in the car and buying more sturdy, undestructable ones.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.


That's exactly what I was thinking. If she could tear them apt then they must have been very poorly made. I would go back and ask fir my money back, it's not jut about the money there is also a safety element involved too.


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
As we joke in our house, "the child is not yet under voice control."


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## Pumpkin_Pie (Oct 10, 2006)

I would think an appropriate consequence is no shoes in the car. I would have no problem taking shoes off after getting into the car seat and putting them back on when you get where you are needing to go. It doesn't hurt anyone and your DD will most likely make the connection. If she doesn't, at least her shoes aren't trashed in the car.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

You could have her, and you, pull out a bunch of shoes and clean them together - with the focus on "this is a way to explore our shoes that's also good for them - it's good to take care of the things we have". Sortof a 'consequence', also a teaching tool for taking care of shoes so they stay in good condition.

I'm also with the complain to the company camp here.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Wow, she was able to tear apart shoes that were in one piece? I have a pair of shoes that I got at a thrift store, dd wore for several months and then I cut out the toes so she could still fit in them when she wanted to wear them after she out grew them. So very old cheap shoes that are already cut up and I don't think dd could tear them apart.

I think whenever you find yourself thinking "she should know better" it's time to come up with a solution that doesn't depend on your kid knowing better.

Not getting new shoes until she outgrows her current pair is reasonable, she doesn't really need more than one pair anyway. Taking off her shoes in the car is sensible, but probably less effective than making sure she's got things that are okay to play with. I'd also keep a toy or two upfront with you so if you hear mischief you can hand back a toy (make them soft so you can just drop them on her) as a distraction.

Frankly, anything "more" would just be about trying to make her feel bad for something that isn't in a toddler's capacity to actually feel bad about. Scream into your pillow about why toddlers are







: froot loops and move on with life.


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## sunshadow (May 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Frankly, anything "more" would just be about trying to make her feel bad for something that isn't in a toddler's capacity to actually feel bad about. Scream into your pillow about why toddlers are







: froot loops and move on with life.

I agree. One thing I'm trying to tell myself is to remember the age. Am I punishing my child to teach her a lesson that she isn't capable yet to learn so I feel better? Even with my 3 year old daughter at times I just have to accept that she isn't going to get it and the behavior might even continue. I can explain to her why I am upset about it and move on. I am coming to terms with the fact that things get ruined and sometimes she gets hurt, but they are only things and she heals. I can't go around making it just a negative environment all the time when she is just learning about her world. In time she will learn.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pumpkin_Pie* 
I would think an appropriate consequence is no shoes in the car. I would have no problem taking shoes off after getting into the car seat and putting them back on when you get where you are needing to go. It doesn't hurt anyone and your DD will most likely make the connection. If she doesn't, at least her shoes aren't trashed in the car.

ITA. At the very least, she won't rip apart any more shoes! For a while, my DD took off her shoes in the car, so I stopped putting them on her until we arrived at our destination. But I didn't really think of it as a punishment: just a labor saving strategy for me







Especially since she'd throw her shoes after taking them off, so I'd have to crawl under the car seats to get them. Or she'd hand them to her brother and he'd be chewing on the soles of her very dirty shoes: yuck. And if she did ask to put them on, I'd tell her that sorry, but she always took them off so I wouldn't put them on until we got there. Eventually I started putting her in them and all was fine.


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