# Isolating yourself, how to do it kindly



## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

Odd I know, I'm not quite sure how I want to say it, but basically yesterday one of my Mom's friends had a baby and another friend is due any day and I simply (at this point in time) cannot handle hearing about the joyful events, their joyful induced as they hated the pregnancy and wanted it over events as I sit here empty.

I've been bad and tried to put up a front and tried to be polite and ask questions, but honestly I wish my Mom would've clued into the fact that I didn't push it. Last night (this a.m, too), I am a bundle of news waiting for my interview and as I left their home last night my Mom called me back to tell me the (in her exact words) the delightful news that the couple had their baby yesterday. Why not just leave it and tell me later today when she saw me?

Honestly, I have to take news about that couple in small doses at the best of times (judgmental totally, I don't apologize) there was / is questions of paternity, she just used him for a baby and his family's money, he's younger only like 21 or so, and not the type of people that I can put aside my feelings and be happy for and she knows that. How do I step back and let her and others know that I just don't want to hear it right now? Especially after I opened the door by even asking? The second situation is very much the same thing and I cannot handle hearing that these people managed to have a healthy child when I have not, you know?

I just wished my Mom got it better, for the most part I think she does and I think she just got caught up in the moment of excitement, but honestly I am really hurt. Not angry, just hurt. I feel like she thinks I should just be over it by now on some level, but would also be really angry if anyone else suggested or infered that in any way, too.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

jaclyn, i am sorry. people, even your mom or ones close to you, can be insensitive at a time like this. I'm sorry it hurt, i know it does. I isolate myself without apologies (I tend to be an introvert anyways so nobody notices much), but I have had to deal with a lot of these things too. we all have. people just should shut up, think before they talk. they never do. I hope it gets easier for you, I'm still working on it myself. I hope people around you become more sensitive. I'm sure your mom was caught up with excitement, not that it makes it right, but it does explain the insensitivity.

If it's any consolation, after I lost my son last Nov, two of dh's unwed, young cousins gave birth to babies. one the father is not in the picture at all, and the mom weaned right away so she could go and party at least once a week, and the other is in a relationship and lives with the guy but is like 19. dh and I are both 35 with 10 years of marriage and a 4yo dd, and it's hard to not be jealous when we would have (and will in the future again) provide a loving home for the baby. I know how much that hurts. Please take care and know that you're not alone, and everything you're feeling is totally normal. it's other people who are screwed up


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

jaclyn - I isolated myself tremendously. I did not answer phone calls and let the answering machine get them all. Now, if I feel like answering on my cell I check to see who it is. I could email but talking was out of the question. I am getting better but still take great comfort in not talking to people all of the time. Maybe you could just not answer your phone right now, even if it is your mom, you could be "busy"


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## i0lanthe (Aug 1, 2005)

I screened all my calls too (we have caller id, it came as a package with some other funky phone ability that we needed for dh's job but oh it has been so nice to have.) When I started talking again to the people I had been avoiding one of them said "I haven't talked to you in so long, I hope you haven't been avoiding me" in one of those ha-ha-only-serious ways. Why yes, yes I have, and if you were a more tactful person I wouldn't have to (I didn't say that but wanted to







)


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I also screened calls and e-mailed close friends and family to tell them that I just wasn't up to talking quite yet but appreciated their calls and e-mails. I hope you are able to create the space you need to grieve and recover. I know it's really hard.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Honestly I don't know when I will NOT feel a painful tug at my heart when I hear such baby news. I suspect even if I have a healthy baby after my loss it will still sting to a certain extent.
Like others said, i do not pick up phones. I sent out an email about things i will really appreciate their consideration of.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Somebody told me it's like there was a war and you were the only one who notices. You walk around stunned and in another world. Others go on with their daily routines and their lives.
Perhaps you need to just tell people you need some down time and you will contact them when you are feeling up to it.
Preserve yourself and don't feel bad for doing it.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

Jaclyn, I am in your boat girlie. I live in a small town, (elise and I share this..







) And our children do not have school busses.. so we have to pick them up. I used to be so social at pick up time, I talked to a lot of people, and used to get there early to chat. Now I stay in my car till I see my little ones come outside. I just do not feel like talking to anyone. I am not sure if I am offending anyone, but part of me could care if I am. As far as your mom not understanding, there is no way that she could unless she went through this herself. I try to remember that a lot when I feel like the people I am closest to are oblivious, Hugs to you


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

Thank you everyone. My Mom ended up coming downtown with me to my interview and we had a long talk. For the most part it is a very real and close relationship and with that closeness there is imperfection and less than stellar moments, but I (as I'm sure you all got even when I was flustered and angry earlier) love her dearly.

I basically laid it out there that except for one situation (separate from the two mentioned) I am not available for small chit-chat, news, any thing baby related, as I simply cannot handle it right now. She was great, as always she provides different perspectives (she's a Libra & all about balance), but was genuinely supportive and understanding. I told her I wasn't really proud of how judgmental I am being, but that's the way it is and that if needed I was going to be very proactive in limiting my interaction with others for the next bit since I have a wonderful community that has let me know thats okay.

Thanks, so much for being that community.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Personally, I didn't worry about doing it kindly. I needed to protect myself, and if that person couldn't understand it, that was their own problem, I was in no position to explain.

Even now the people who pay attention tread lightly around me.

I'm glad that your mother understands. However, if there are people you can't have that open conversation with, don't feel bad about just walking away if that's what you need to do. The people who love you will understand and nobody else really matters, IMO.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Any consolation...I have dropped off the face of the planet for the last 3 months. I haven't returned a phone call or email.

I wonder if I have any friends left?


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I don't even think I am doing it so kindly anymore.


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
Any consolation...I have dropped off the face of the planet for the last 3 months. I haven't returned a phone call or email.

I wonder if I have any friends left?


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## heatherh (Jun 25, 2005)

I'm glad I'm not the only one who dropped off the face of the planet for awhile.







You guys rock. Seriously, I don't think I even reliably returned emails for several weeks.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Hey Mamas!

On Byron Katie's website she has a wonderful script for saying "no" kindly. HTHs!







for all the mamas and angels


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

Oh, I really liked her answers.

I'm just doing what I can to keep my head above water considering I only have two weeks of school left. I'm spending lots of time online, worrying about It's a Small World's destruction







, researching cameras, and not talking to people.


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