# is there such a thing as too old for co-sleeping?



## GroovyMommy (Apr 10, 2007)

my kids (son is 10 years, daughter is 6) still sleep with me.. I've just ordered new furniture and will give them each their own room but I also just got a new king size bed and I expect they will still go night-night with me most of the time.. most nights one or both will sleep with me (up til now we've been trying to sleep in a queen bed, not enough room and I usually wake up with a backache) or I sleep on a trundle in the room they now share, with them sleeping in their twin beds.. really I'm putting them each in a room so they'll feel like they have more privacy and their "own space" when they're playing or doing homework; I still expect them to come into my new bedroom to sleep (my daughter is okay sleeping alone or with me; my son is very attatched to me and insists on sleeping with me most nights)... anyway, is this okay?.. I'm okay with it (I'm a single mom and don't have any significant other that shares my bed anyway) but my family seems to think "It's time for them to sleep on their own." (They don't address the fact that when the kids go to stay with them, one or both sleep with grammy and gramps.) I just feel like I need to be close to them while they still want to; very soon they're going to be coming home from school and shutting themselves away talking to pals and messing on the internet and so forth and won't want anything to do with me!! Mamas: your thoughts on this????


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I think it's fine, as long as they have their own space ready so they can decide when they want to, to sleep in their own bed

that's great that you have that nighttime right near them , still. I bet your relationship with them as teens and adults will be warmer and closer as a result.


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## joy2bmom (Aug 3, 2006)

I totally think its fine!
My dc are welcome to co-sleep as long as they wish, but my 15yr old dd has reached the point of shutting herself in her room and wanting her privacy


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## Glover_Girls (Mar 20, 2006)

Keep at it! Enjoy this closenesswhile you can. I know that people's opinions can keep you second guessing your choices. But really, who cares what other people think? I hope my dd is still sleeping with me when she's 10 (some of the time anyway!).


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I coslept with my parents till I was 12. I have AP type of parents and they never made me feel like I was too old. I just naturally went to my own bed after a while, when I was ready.


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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

Once my kids were around 6 or 7, they wanted to be in their own beds, with me in there putting them to bed at first. All my kids (even the 12 yo sometimes climbs into bed and snuggles once in a while).


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## cheenya (Dec 17, 2001)

I have 2 sisters and never slept entirely on my own until I was in 8th grade, there was always a place where I could sleep by myself if I wanted to, but I didn't want to until then. Who slept in which bed was always very flexible.
I went through a really rough time as a Junior in High School and spent many nights in my parents bed again. It was a wonderful way to connect to them, there are things that can be talked about in the dark that can't be as easily at other times.
I still will join my parents in their bed in the mornings when I am visiting if everyone is feeling lazy.
So, in summary, no, as long as the child is making the choice, I don't think there is a time when you are "too old" for co-sleeping.


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## IndyNanny (Sep 20, 2007)

We were never really a co-sleeping family, but my 13yo DD has started sleeping with me during the week while my DH is at work. I think it's fine as long as you and the kids are ok with it.


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## Muminmamman (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *traceface* 
I bet your relationship with them as teens and adults will be warmer and closer as a result.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

The child is too old to co-sleep when the child decides that he or she wants separate sleeping space. There's no specific age that's "innapropriate" just because of the child's age. It's also fine to stop co-sleeping earlier if the parent(s) is uncomfortable with it. As with all things involving 2(or more) people, it's fine as long as all the parties are fine with it, and no longer OK when somebody doesn't want to do it anymore.

Having separate sleeping space available is a good idea; this way every night the child makes the choice of where to sleep, and you know that the child isn't feeling forced into co-sleeping because there's nowhere else to sleep- if the child is co-sleeping it's because he or she wants to.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Nope, no such thing as too old.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

My in-laws tell me I should get my 1st in her own bed because their daughter (My SIL) slept with them til she was 9, at which point they locked her out as she screamed and pounded on the door til she passed out from exhaustion. Nice! IMO they're too old when it's not working anymore. That's going to be different for different families.


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## locksmama (Jun 7, 2007)

see I think when they are comfortable is fine with me, but my dh wants to start bedweaning and nightwaening as soon as we move into our new house in Feb...I'm really sad about this as she will not even be a year....








I agreed to because we were fighting about it too much. My gut bemoans the thought and I was crying thinking about it today...so I think if you are comfortable and they are comfortable then all is well!


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Another mama said to me that when your child brings home a girl/boy friend to sleep in the family bed it's probably time to reevaluate.








My 11 year old is so long and lanky tho' that we have developed a system to let her sleep right next to our king bed..with my 3 yr oldDS and DH. Privacy is a bit of an issue but love is in the air!!!


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## KentuckyDoulaMama (Mar 11, 2004)

Subbing.

I'm getting a lot of flack from my mom and my husband, and everyone else too, I guess.
Since my husband left us, our 10yo dd insists on sleeping with me.
(she has a lot of anxiety issues- and bedtime is always a hassle in the best of circumstances)
I dont have a problem with it, but pretty much everyone else who knows does.


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## auntiehallie (Apr 25, 2005)

isn't it ridiculous how some people will insist they know your family better than you do? it's such silliness. my favorite is a version of, 'well, s/he will never learn to sleep alone this way!' coming from some adult who sleeps with their own partner every night...









i think, culturally, the aversion to family sleep arrangements comes from struggling with a sort of 'lolita' fascination/prejudice. the older the kids get, the less we're able to ignore that they have a sexual future, and people start to get panicky about what an appropriate expression of that sexual being they shall become will look like. but what better groundwork can you lay for intimate relationships than being gently welcomed into the arms of someone who has always loved you? rather than shut out or made to pound on the door, for instance. (sheesh) kids can be very literal - but they're not THAT literal. they don't expect every loving relationship to look exactly like the ones they have with their parents. my god, if we did, how screwed up would we all be?

anyway, it's hard to ignore these (probably) well-meaning people, when their puritanical neuroses get the better of them, but that's why mothering.com exists. so we can hear from each other, and ignore the peanut gallery.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lucky.* 
My parents kicked me out of bed a couple of years ago. That's why I come here, to fill that dysfunctional gap.


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## thirdeagle (Dec 22, 2007)

I agree with all the others - give them a space to go to when they are ready.

At this point we even ocassionally have a three generational bed if DH is not in town. I'm 39. Mostly its me mom and DD at DD's nap time in mom's bed when we're all at my parent's place (my parents sleep in separate rooms bec Dad snores). But when DD was last sick and DH was away, DD and I stayed with my parents and Dad took some night shifts in the bed on the other side of DD. It was very sweet (and helpful when DD was up coughing or throwing up).


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## heket (Nov 18, 2003)

Can I offer the yes, there is a limit idea?







:

My brother co-slept from about day 2. On day one, my parents tried to put him in the crib. By night 2, my mom said forget it, and took him to bed.

He was there until 16 yo. But, I don't think this was entirely by his choice. He had a room he could go to starting at age 12. I think he wanted to sleep on his own starting around 14/15, but my mom wasn't as willing to let him go. She wasn't physically forcing him to stay, but he knew her disappointment if he were to go. So he stayed, but hated it.

Is this part of natural parenting, no. Is this normal? I can't say on that. But I do know that at that point where my brother was ready for privacy, he couldn't really succumb because he wanted to please my mom.

He finally moved to his own room at 16. But there was a bit of a stumbling period till all parties were settled.

Does my brother have a different relationship to my mom? Yes and no. His relationship isn't the same as mine. But I don't know how it compares to other sons who co-slept as long as he did. Does he feel that his co-sleeping interfered with our parents's relationship? Yes. Did it? That's not for me to answer. I just know how it made him feel as if it had.

I co-sleep with my dc who are now 4.5 and 2.5yo. I fully expect there to be a day where they will want to no longer co-sleep and wish for their own privacy. I will lament that they are no longer in my bed, but that is their right of passage. I could not expect them to stay. If they wish to return, that is fine. I hope, though, that I can nurture them enough and have grown enough myself to let them move on and not try to hinder them.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

My children are welcome to sleep with me in my room as long as they want. Right now DD sleeps on a futon next to our mattress on the floor, but a lot of the time gets on the mattress with us. Typically in a Japanese home (at least where we live), the child will stay in the "family" sleeping room until they graduate from junior school (around 15 years old). However, we know many Japanese families who still sleep in the same room with their older teenage children. It isn't a big deal. Enjoy it while you can!!!!


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## Lori Gehringer (Dec 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamahart* 
Another mama said to me that when your child brings home a girl/boy friend to sleep in the family bed it's probably time to reevaluate.









My 11 year old is so long and lanky tho' that we have developed a system to let her sleep right next to our king bed..with my 3 yr oldDS and DH. Privacy is a bit of an issue but love is in the air!!!









What are you farmin?


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## evergreenmom (Oct 18, 2004)

My 6 yr old dd still sleeps with us...she has her own space but chooses to stay with us.

Lisa


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