# Mom's without Mom's part 5



## mum4boys

I have started a new thread for us. The other one was getting long.


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## mum4boys

I am having a really really rough time. I think it is almost worst right now loosing my mom then it was 6 months ago. I keep on trying to think of the positive that I got to say goodbye to my mom and that she knew how much I loved her and she got to tell me how much she loved me too. That she is not suffering any more. The end was bad. But my heart is just breaking. I miss her so much. I keep on asking over and over why did she have to go. I know she is watching over us but there is so much I want to share with her. My kids miss her so much. I have no idea how to deal with their pain when I cannot even deal with my own. Levi my 9 year old has sprouted up a few inches in the last month. My mom was really small 5'1" so it was a mark of accomplishment to be taller then my mom. My mom would joke about it and play around with the kids about how big they were getting etc. It was a real big deal in my family. Now Levi is at the height that he would be almost taller then grandma...Anyway I thought it was suppose to get a little easier not worst.


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## mamasgroovin

Sorry, Heidi.

It does get esier, but not that quickly. You'll always miss her, but it _will_ seem less painful some day.


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## earthgirl

The pain has been very cyclic for me and it's been over 11 years. I will say that those first few years were the worst, though. I am sorry that it feels so painful right now, but it's true that it won't always feel this way.


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## papschmitty

I just found our new thread!

Heidi, I'm so sorry your pain is so intense right now.







I'm somewhat local; if there's anything I can do for you, please just let me know.

Well, my sister and I had to confront my Dad last night. He went behind my sister's back (she's his office manager) and had another staff member cancel all his patients for Monday morning so he could "sleep in". When he says "sleep in" he means "have time to run around with a married woman so her husband won't find out". We're still struggling so much financially; we can't afford for him to keep taking time off. We sat him down after work last night and told him as much. He went on and on about how he deserves a vacation, deserves time off. I wanted to say, "OK then I have no problems calling in horny to take some time off too" but I bit my tongue. Mind you, my sister and I both came back to work 1 week after having our little ones, and we NEVER take vacations right now. I told him that all I'm trying to do is protect is financial livelihood and I will not sit back and let him run his office into the ground. We basically told him that we have no respect for him anymore and that he's destroying his relationship with us. He seemed genuinely shocked by that. He thought everything was fine. Apparently he's too smitten with his affair to notice anything else around him. He agreed to go to family counseling with us so we could work through some of this. I had written a very honest 3 page letter about all my feelings but opted not to give it to him. Maybe I can read it in our first counseling session. I'm glad he agreed to counseling. I have so much I want to get off my chest; I won't feel any better until I have a chance to say my peace. I feel like my dad is turning into Britney Spears. He's self destructing before my eyes and all I can do is sit back and watch this train wreck. When my mom was dying, I promised her over and over again that I would take care of everyone, that she didn't have to worry. I don't think I'm doing a very good job.


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## Petersmamma

Mind if I join?









My mom died when I was 14, so it will be 14 years ago this May.

I'm an only child, and I'm fairly certain my dad didn't want me (I recall asking my mom when I was about 7 whether I was an accident. She said no, but the fact that I asked indicates to me that she was probably lying. Kids are pretty perceptive. Plus, she took bc and they used condoms, so I kinda think she got pg "on accident" i.e. SHE wanted me, dad didn't). After my mom died, it was a rough 4 years as my father proceeded to date starting 2 months after my mom died, and I moved out on my 18th birthday.

My dad and I are not in contact today, but I still occasionally "talk" to mom. I know she would have LOVED ds SOOOO much (which makes me sad, to think that I could have had some help with this handful, and also that he would have had an AWESOME grandma, since dh's mom is the least maternal woman you will ever meet who is still a decent human being (i.e. she's not horrible or mean, but would generally prefer to read a book than to talk to you, and is happy seeing ds for about 30 min every 2 years. Poor ds!)).

It still hurts sometimes, but I haven't had a mom for half my life now, so it's my norm. Which doesn't mean I'm not jealous of women with great relationships (or even crappy ones!) with their moms, but it's just that it's a fact of life that just IS, rather than hurting. If that makes any sense. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's hanging out with me sometimes, especially since I am an only.

And to Papschmitty: I feel you. From your sig, I'm guessing that your mom died not too long ago? And now your dad is acting crazy?
Yeah, my dad actually LIED to the women he dated and increased the time my mom had been dead by a year and he told me not to say anything. Since I didn't really give a crap what he did, I simply said nothing. I didn't lie for him, but I never corrected their assumptions. You can let your dad know that if he continues down this road, estrangement may occur, as I haven't spoken to my father in about 5 years. And don't ever plan to speak to him again, if I can help it.


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## mamasgroovin

Hi, Sara! Of course you can join! My mom has been gone a long time, too. She died when I was 24, which was 15 years ago (in April). Most of the mom's here have had more recent losses than ours, but we can still have challenging times as well. I am mostly over Mom's death, at least as over as one can be. She was my best friend. Actually besides my dh, she was my only friend for a long time. You never really get over that completely, YK. I have mostly good days now. Occasionally a bad one sneaks in though, generally related to me needing comfort or advice. Or to brag about my kids to her.







OK, well that makes it sound like everyday...but it's not. Finally.

Papschmitty, as hard as it is, you need to stop beating yourself up!! You cannot control him OR be responsible for his actions. You have done what you can...told him how you feel and encourage him to make better choices. The rest is up to him.







I am sorry you are going through this. Sending you some







:.


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## earthgirl

Petersmamma, I think we are living parallel lives. I lost my mom almost 12 years ago, and my dad has not been in my life since, well, really never. I am also an only and my MIL is less than stellar (putting it nicely) as a grandmother. I could go on and on w/ the ways she has completely disregarded and ignored DD, but I won't. Anyway, I find that so much of what hurts now is the realization that my DD is not going to have the kind of grandmother she deserves. My mom would have been doting, overly involved, nurturing and fun. MIL is not even one of these things. It breaks my heart and it also makes me angry.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
I just found our new thread!

Heidi, I'm so sorry your pain is so intense right now.







I'm somewhat local; if there's anything I can do for you, please just let me know.


Thank you. I have no idea what to even do. It just hurts so much. The only thing that makes it a little easier is I keep telling myself I got to say goodbye.

I am glad your dad agreed to go to family counseling. I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Petersmamma* 
Mind if I join?









My mom died when I was 14, so it will be 14 years ago this May.

I'm an only child, and I'm fairly certain my dad didn't want me (I recall asking my mom when I was about 7 whether I was an accident. She said no, but the fact that I asked indicates to me that she was probably lying. Kids are pretty perceptive. Plus, she took bc and they used condoms, so I kinda think she got pg "on accident" i.e. SHE wanted me, dad didn't). After my mom died, it was a rough 4 years as my father proceeded to date starting 2 months after my mom died, and I moved out on my 18th birthday.


HUGS and welcome


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## KJoslyn78

i've been reading the old thread and the new one for awhile. Like a lot of you (from the sounds of it), i'm not doing well either. I'm having a terrible hard time with the realization that my kids will not have great grandparents (only my dh's step-mom is pretty decent and we currently live with her - so that is pretty strained at the moment).

I agree with you Heidi, it's harder now that it was back in July when she died (if i remember right, our moms died only days apart?). And yes - i am greatful i got to say "goodbye" (where as i didn't get that chance with my dad). Add in that i am still upset daily over what my mom's (ex)BF did to the house and all her belongings (which my odd reminds me of daily, when she asks if we can get this or that from grandma's house, and i have to tell ehr no







).

I turn 30 in just over 3 weeks time... and it's hitting me HARD that i don't have a family to celebrate this with (yes, i realize i have MY family, DH and the kids, but i mean my mom, dad, brothers (who i never see now that mom is gone), etc).

It hurts when i see other posts (like in TAO), about wanting to cut family out of their lives, for petty reasons (in my opinion i realize, and i do realize that sometimes people need to cause they are abusive, toxic, dangerous, etc)... cause i would all but kill to have my family back...

This sucks. *sighs*


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## papschmitty

Welcome Petersmamma! I'm so sorry for your loss but am glad you found us.

My mom just died 6 months ago. My dad has been having an affair with this woman for the last 4 of those. He didn't have to lie about how long my mom has been gone, this woman wrapped her tentacles around him the minute she heard my mom was dead.









Thanks to everyone for the support. I hate having no respect for my dad. My parents used to walk on water to me before my mom died. Now it's hard for me to see my dad as anything more than weak and immoral. I had to call him after our little intervention last night. I had been paying for him to see a counselor to help with his grief. When I found out about the affair, I insisted that he tell his counselor. He did, and then promptly stopped going because supposedly he's doing great and over my mom's passing. Her bill didn't reflect one of my payments and didn't list her phone number so I had to call my dad to get it. He was extra nice to me but told me he couldn't find her phone number anywhere. I found it online and asked him if he wanted it. He asked why he would need it. BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SCHEDULE US ALL TO GO TO FAMILY COUNSELING WITH HER YOU IDIOT!!! Ok, I said it nicer than that but give me a break! My dad is living in a fantasy world. I'm so glad I don't have to work with him everyday like my sister does! His married girlfriend bought him some new cologne and it is horrific. It makes my head pound to even be in the room with him. It seems rather fitting, doesn't it? uke

Heidi, have you thought about some grief counseling? I didn't adore the counselor I saw but I do think it helped.

Hugs to everyone!


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KJoslyn78* 
i've been reading the old thread and the new one for awhile. Like a lot of you (from the sounds of it), i'm not doing well either. I'm having a terrible hard time with the realization that my kids will not have great grandparents (only my dh's step-mom is pretty decent and we currently live with her - so that is pretty strained at the moment).

I agree with you Heidi, it's harder now that it was back in July when she died (if i remember right, our moms died only days apart?). And yes - i am greatful i got to say "goodbye" (where as i didn't get that chance with my dad). Add in that i am still upset daily over what my mom's (ex)BF did to the house and all her belongings (which my odd reminds me of daily, when she asks if we can get this or that from grandma's house, and i have to tell ehr no :cry







.

I turn 30 in just over 3 weeks time... and it's hitting me HARD that i don't have a family to celebrate this with (yes, i realize i have MY family, DH and the kids, but i mean my mom, dad, brothers (who i never see now that mom is gone), etc).

It hurts when i see other posts (like in TAO), about wanting to cut family out of their lives, for petty reasons (in my opinion i realize, and i do realize that sometimes people need to cause they are abusive, toxic, dangerous, etc)... cause i would all but kill to have my family back...

This sucks. *sighs*

Now I am bawling reading this post. I hate not having mom here for all of our traditions. I hate that my kids are growing and she is missing out on it all. I am so I am even sure of the word when people say oh I do not want this person in my life. Well why couldn't that person die rather then my mom. Why my mom. It is shocking to me that I feel this way. I am not normally such a mean spirited person.


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## KJoslyn78

i'm sorry if my post bothered you Heidi


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum4boys* 
Now I am bawling reading this post. I hate not having mom here for all of our traditions. I hate that my kids are growing and she is missing out on it all. I am so I am even sure of the word when people say oh I do not want this person in my life. Well why couldn't that person die rather then my mom. Why my mom. It is shocking to me that I feel this way. *I am not normally such a mean spirited person.*

I don't think this is the case. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ not understanding why your mom had to die, while watching others intentionally cut their own mothers out of their lives. I used to get really hung up on this. My best friend has a terrible mother. They fight constantly and actually haven't spoken for months. It's not that I ever wanted for her mother to die, but it has always felt unfair. At some point, I just learned to make peace w/ it. It's not always easy, some days I'm really not OK w/ this bit of irony. There's just nothing I can do about it, which is equally sad and liberating, if that makes any sense.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Feel whatever you need to feel.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KJoslyn78* 
i'm sorry if my post bothered you Heidi









No no Your post did not bother me. It the nail right on the head what you are feeling is how I feel.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I don't think this is the case. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ not understanding why your mom had to die, while watching others intentionally cut their own mothers out of their lives. I used to get really hung up on this. My best friend has a terrible mother. They fight constantly and actually haven't spoken for months. It's not that I ever wanted for her mother to die, but it has always felt unfair. At some point, I just learned to make peace w/ it. It's not always easy, some days I'm really not OK w/ this bit of irony. There's just nothing I can do about it, which is equally sad and liberating, if that makes any sense.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Feel whatever you need to feel.









I am really am a rational person but that has gone all out the window. I hate feeling out of control. My husband had a horrible childhood. He went 16 years without talking to his mom, so I get horrible moms and good moms. I just get hung up on why couldn't the horrible ones go.

I have kind of toyed with grief couseling but right now I do not want to share my mom with a complete stranger. Does that make sense?


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## mamasgroovin

I had to go into counseling. It literally saved my life. I will elaborate, but I need to get my daughter to bed. I will say, though, that talking to a total stranger about her was actually kind of comforting, because I could paint the picture for her about how wonderful she was. So it helped me to focus on some of the positive memories, and not the horrible sick and dying memories or the memories that were never going to happen. Does that even make any sense? Anyway...off for bedtime rituals.

Big







to all the sad mamas out there. Wishing you peace and healing.







:


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## mamasgroovin

I just realized we both had does that make any sense comments.


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## fairydoula

I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me. But sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who "gets" it. My mom died of cancer when I was just 18, in 1991. Old or new loss... you don't "get over it", but living day to day does get easier. I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends and then she couldn't fight anymore and gave up life as we know it on Feb. 19th, 1991. So it was weird that her birthday and deathday were so close together (for me) and I still remember buying her a hat brooch, because I wanted her to have something that was pretty and decorative, and there were so few things at the end of her life that were pretty. It made her cry anyway, because she didn't have hair, and I guess that giving her a decorative pin for her hat that was covering her baldness was maybe not very sensitive.... or maybe she just cried because she knew it was the last birthday, or because she would miss me. I don't know.

I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen


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## mamasgroovin

Awww, Jen...







.
Thanks for coming and venting.








Welcome to the tribe.


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## channelofpeace

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairydoula* 
I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends

I have said this exact thing so many times over the last few years.

Hi all. Hope i can join







I lost my Mom to cancer when i was 19, just shy of 20. It was 6 years this past August. My now husband and i got engaged the day before she found out she was terminal. She had really wanted to come shopping with me for my wedding dress, but she was too weak, so i ordered it in the mail and she got to see me in it the last time she was really coherent, four days before she died. Then she went to sleep and never really woke up. She died surrounded by my father, my sisters and brothers-in-law in her own home. Her death was so sad, but also so beautiful and spiritual. Her hospice care was handled so beautifully... i am no longer afraid of death.

We got married nine months after she died, and those were easily the nine hardest months of my life. I think the first year was the worst... the first holidays, birthdays, get togethers, and each time feeling that acute sense of loss. She was there in spirit when dh and i got married. And when i had my first daughter nine months later (who was named after my mother, Isabelle) i looked at my baby and i understood my mother. I finally understood that fierce, protective love that a mama has for her child. And she made sense.








s to all those of you who are struggling with fresh grief. It is work. You don't have to shove it down, you don't have to "get over it". Feel the hurt as much as you loved. It is an honor.


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## mamasgroovin

My we are an active tribe of late! Welcome, milkydoula! And thanks for coming and sharing your story.

Hearing all theses stories of our new tribeswomen makes me think more and more of my own mother's death. That IS the problem with being a part of this group, YK. Since we have a new thread going and lots of new mamas, does anyone want to re-share their stories from the previous threads?

February has historically been hard on me since my mom's passing as well, but I had kind of related that to my move back to the midwest from San Francisco. Her birthday was 1-24, and then her diagnosis in March, death in April, blah, blah, blah...so maybe it's just all my penned up anxiety about all the upcoming oh-so-important dates.

Anyway, I think I'd like to reshare my story, at some point...maybe closer to her deathday.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairydoula* 
I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me.
I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen










Welcome to our sad sad little tribe.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasgroovin* 
Since we have a new thread going and lots of new mamas, does anyone want to re-share their stories from the previous threads?

Sometimes it is so hard to share what my mom meant to me. I know a lot of people struggle with their mom and their relationship. I was not one. I had an awesome mom. We talked 15 times a day. I am at a loss without her. I do not even know how to feel the void. I have great friends none of them are my mom. I have a great husband he sure aint my mom. My dad is awesome too but again he makes a lousy mother. It is funny...we were blessed with a daughter this past year. We thought 8 years ago we are done having children. I never want to pin my hopes and wants on my children. Make them into something they are not. But Boy, I pray that Maggie and I have a great relationship. I know it is something not to force. I pray she likes me when she is a teen (my mom and i had no problems during my teen age years). I have so much hope with Maggie's future that I hope it is not putting too much on our relationship. does that makes sense? You know what is funny...people have stopped us to go WOW Maggie looks like your mom. A few people did not even know my mom had passed. No buddy has ever said that before with any of our kids.


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## Petersmamma

Thanks for the warm welcomes!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Petersmamma, I think we are living parallel lives. I lost my mom almost 12 years ago, and my dad has not been in my life since, well, really never. I am also an only and my MIL is less than stellar (putting it nicely) as a grandmother. I could go on and on w/ the ways she has completely disregarded and ignored DD, but I won't. Anyway, I find that so much of what hurts now is the realization that my DD is not going to have the kind of grandmother she deserves. My mom would have been doting, overly involved, nurturing and fun. MIL is not even one of these things. It breaks my heart and it also makes me angry.

It's such a bummer to know that your dc won't have the family relationships you wish they could have.

It makes me excited to become a grandma just to be able to do the things my mom wasn't able to do!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairydoula* 
I'd like to join here, although I have to say I'm a big ole chicken, because this stirrs up so much in me. But sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who "gets" it. My mom died of cancer when I was just 18, in 1991. Old or new loss... you don't "get over it", but living day to day does get easier. I miss her and wonder what our adult relationship would have been like. We were just starting to be more than just mother and daughter, we were starting to be friends and then she couldn't fight anymore and gave up life as we know it on Feb. 19th, 1991. So it was weird that her birthday and deathday were so close together (for me) and I still remember buying her a hat brooch, because I wanted her to have something that was pretty and decorative, and there were so few things at the end of her life that were pretty. It made her cry anyway, because she didn't have hair, and I guess that giving her a decorative pin for her hat that was covering her baldness was maybe not very sensitive.... or maybe she just cried because she knew it was the last birthday, or because she would miss me. I don't know.

I do know that I really don't like February.
THanks for listening to me vent.
- Jen




















I often wonder about how my relationship with my mom would be now.

She died when I was 14, and in the middle of that tumultuous teenage turmoil. However, we were starting to understand each other more, and I think we would have had a nice relationship.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *milkydoula* 
I have said this exact thing so many times over the last few years.

Hi all. Hope i can join







I lost my Mom to cancer when i was 19, just shy of 20. It was 6 years this past August. My now husband and i got engaged the day before she found out she was terminal. She had really wanted to come shopping with me for my wedding dress, but she was too weak, so i ordered it in the mail and she got to see me in it the last time she was really coherent, four days before she died. Then she went to sleep and never really woke up. She died surrounded by my father, my sisters and brothers-in-law in her own home. Her death was so sad, but also so beautiful and spiritual. Her hospice care was handled so beautifully... i am no longer afraid of death.

We got married nine months after she died, and those were easily the nine hardest months of my life. I think the first year was the worst... the first holidays, birthdays, get togethers, and each time feeling that acute sense of loss. She was there in spirit when dh and i got married. And when i had my first daughter nine months later (who was named after my mother, Isabelle) i looked at my baby and i understood my mother. I finally understood that fierce, protective love that a mama has for her child. And she made sense.








s to all those of you who are struggling with fresh grief. It is work. You don't have to shove it down, you don't have to "get over it". Feel the hurt as much as you loved. It is an honor.











I'm glad that your mother had such a beautiful passing.


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## windorabug

Hi
I lost my mom to ovarian cancer may 2006. I can not believe it is almost 2 years now. I had lost my dad in 1991 to lung cancer. I am an only child - An orphan at 34! I got pregnant with my sweet dd during my mom's illness. And felt her move for the first time lying with my mom while she was dying.
My mom was my best friend & I miss her terribly every. single. day.
I wanted her to be with me when I delivered (& she was in spirit) I wanted her to hold my hand & tell me to stop crying & suck it up.
I have so much grief. And anger.


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## mamasgroovin

Welcome windorabug, and







.


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## candiland

I hope it's okay if I join.

My story is a bit different, as my mom passed when I was four. I think this was both a blessing and a curse to be so young. A curse because I feel like I never really got to "know" her - and a blessing for that same reason. I didn't have a dad.... I was an "oops" baby born twelve and fourteen years after my siblings, respectively. Apparently he was married when he and my mom had an affair. She went in for an abortion and as they began prepping her for the procedure, she freaked out and left. Whew!

I was raised by my grandparents, who were nuts, to say the least. After they passed by the time I was 13, I felt. So. Alone. My 23 year old sister, who had a 1year old by a man who had just committed suicide, got custody of me. She was bipolar, an alcoholic, just in a really terrible place back then. I became a very angry teen.

But I guess that's neither here nor there.







I, too, have many, many moments where all I want to do is call up my mama and cry. Drive over to "her house" and have her hold me and drink some tea and just have her in my life. When I'm really down, thinking about that makes me feel sorry for myself and really pushes me over the edge. Because I had no real maternal influence growing up, having my first at twenty left me utterly baffled. In a way, it was freeing - I homebirthed, coslept, extended nursed, etc. I was free to create my *own* definition of motherhood. OTOH, I didn't know what being maternal *was*, if that makes any sense. Every day, with my two kids, I'm a bit scared and overwhelmed and never quite sure if I'm being a proper "mommy".

Oh, jeez, I think I just wrote another novel, lol. I'll stop now before I hijack your entire thread.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candiland* 
Every day, with my two kids, I'm a bit scared and overwhelmed and never quite sure if I'm being a proper "mommy".


Of course you are welcome here!

I pulled that line out because everyone feels that way!







It sounds like you have made your own path to suit you and your family. Right on! Coming from such a difficult upbringing, it seems like you've done a fine job choosing a proper path.


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## papschmitty

Welcome Candiland and windorabug; I'm glad you decided to join us.









We had a beautiful day here in Seattle today. My sister and I rounded up our kids and met some of my mom's family for a trip to the zoo. It was so nice spending time with them but it definitely felt a little empty without my mom. She would have loved it!

Since our little intervention with my dad, he's been going out of his way to be nice to us. We actually went to the zoo on after church on Sunday too. We didn't tell him we were going; his phone was vibrating with _her_ incoming call during church so I was too upset to want to spend time with him. I felt bad not inviting him but there was just something about getting a call from his married girlfriend during church that was too much for me to handle.

He actually followed through and scheduled us for our first family counseling session this Friday. I'm sure it's not going to be pretty but I'm glad we're moving forward with it. My sister and I are both tired of harboring so much anger. I'm spending way too much of my precious energy being angry and devastated about something that I no control to change.







I really hope I can let go soon. It's hard enough grieving for my mom.


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## mamasgroovin

OMG!! That all sounds wonderful, Papschmitty!!
Sending healing







: for Friday!


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## papschmitty

Thanks! We need all the good vibes we can get!

I had kind of a bummer day today. About two months ago, my sister had a suspicious mole removed from one of her breasts that came back pretty bad on the biopsy. They had to go back and dig a bunch more tissue out to make sure it was completely gone. This was her second one so now she has to get body-wide photographs taken of all her moles every 6 months. Given my sister's experience and the fact that I just lost my mom to cancer 6 months ago, I decided to be a little more proactive. I saw my sister's dermatologist for a routine skin check today. She took one look at me and said that I had two moles that had to come of "RIGHT NOW". She shaved them off and they're being sent off for biopsy. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing, but we haven't really had the best track record lately. When my mom's hip started hurting, we all though nothing of it. Three months later she was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and two months after that she was gone.







: I usually don't over react like this but it's just bringing back a lot of painful memories. On the bright side, my two year old DD loves putting bandages on my "owies".


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Welcome Candiland and windorabug; I'm glad you decided to join us.









We had a beautiful day here in Seattle today. My sister and I rounded up our kids and met some of my mom's family for a trip to the zoo. It was so nice spending time with them but it definitely felt a little empty without my mom. She would have loved it!

Since our little intervention with my dad, he's been going out of his way to be nice to us. We actually went to the zoo on after church on Sunday too. We didn't tell him we were going; his phone was vibrating with _her_ incoming call during church so I was too upset to want to spend time with him. I felt bad not inviting him but there was just something about getting a call from his married girlfriend during church that was too much for me to handle.

He actually followed through and scheduled us for our first family counseling session this Friday. I'm sure it's not going to be pretty but I'm glad we're moving forward with it. My sister and I are both tired of harboring so much anger. I'm spending way too much of my precious energy being angry and devastated about something that I no control to change.







I really hope I can let go soon. It's hard enough grieving for my mom.


We were at the zoo on the 18th too and the 14th also.

I hope counseling helps.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Thanks! We need all the good vibes we can get!

I had kind of a bummer day today. About two months ago, my sister had a suspicious mole removed from one of her breasts that came back pretty bad on the biopsy. They had to go back and dig a bunch more tissue out to make sure it was completely gone. This was her second one so now she has to get body-wide photographs taken of all her moles every 6 months. Given my sister's experience and the fact that I just lost my mom to cancer 6 months ago, I decided to be a little more proactive. I saw my sister's dermatologist for a routine skin check today. She took one look at me and said that I had two moles that had to come of "RIGHT NOW". She shaved them off and they're being sent off for biopsy. Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing, but we haven't really had the best track record lately. When my mom's hip started hurting, we all though nothing of it. Three months later she was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and two months after that she was gone.







: I usually don't over react like this but it's just bringing back a lot of painful memories. On the bright side, my two year old DD loves putting bandages on my "owies".









HUGS and prayers your way. I hope it is nothing.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:

HUGS and prayers your way. I hope it is nothing.








: Good for you in your proactiveness...reminds me that I still haven't had my mammogram.







:


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## papschmitty

I just heard back from the doctor today. One of the moles she removed is a melanoma.







: Lucky for me, it's in a very early stage. It is most likely in situ, meaning it hasn't spread to any other place. They determine prognosis based entirely on how deep the melanoma goes. Mine is very shallow, which is great news for me. The biopsy did not show clean margins which means there's still some melanoma left in my leg. I go back in two weeks to have more flesh dug out. They have to have a full 5 mm margin of clean, cancer-free tissue around the original site to give me the all clear.

Usually I'm pretty laid back about things related to my health but this really threw me for a loop. I've been crying on and off all day. I'm not worried that I'm going to die - I know that I'm going to be just fine. It just brought up a lot of difficult feelings and memories after losing my mom. It just seems way too soon to even have to say the word cancer again, let alone experience it myself. It's especially hard not to have her to call and share my bad news with. It was pretty rough telling my family. Again, not because anyone is worried about my wellbeing but because it's just a cruel reminder of what we've lost.

The dermatologist was apologetic about how much more tissue they were going to have to remove. I told her that they could take my entire calf if they wanted; I just want it OUT. I'm going to be pretty antsy for the next two weeks while I wait for my next appointment. It's a pretty creepy feeling knowing that there's cancer hanging out in my leg right this very second.


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## mamasgroovin

Wow, papschmitty.







I'm glad it's so treatable, but that it still quite a blow. I'm so sorry.


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## mum4boys

HUGS papschmitty I am so sorry.

This has been a tough week for me. I lost a cousin to cancer. It has brought all those feelings to the surface again and I keep on trying to call my mom to discuss funeral plans etc. for my cousin.


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## papschmitty

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum4boys* 
This has been a tough week for me. I lost a cousin to cancer. It has brought all those feelings to the surface again and I keep on trying to call my mom to discuss funeral plans etc. for my cousin.

I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with loss all over again.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with loss all over again.
























I can so much relate when you said it is having to deal with the cancer and all the feelings all over again.
My family does not do cancer, lol. I have a huge huge family 49 first cousins on one side, not counting their spouses or kids. No one has ever died of cancer until my mom so loosing my cousin to cancer well come on.
I hate that out of control feeling. I cannot tell you how many times in the last few days I have tried to call my mom or thought got to tell mom this or that. I can feel my mom with me but you know I really need her feedback. I know she would give it if she could.


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## papschmitty

I totally hear you on the family thing. My family isn't quite as big but, especially on my mom's side, we're super close. We're a pretty healthy bunch, all living rather healthy lifestyles but we seem to be plagued with cancer. My 26 year old cousin has had leukemia and colon cancer. My grandfather has had colon and bladder cancer. His sister had breast cancer, his brother had lung cancer. His wife has advanced Alzheimer's (not cancer but still very bad). My uncle had bladder cancer. My grandfather's siblings both lost their battles with cancer, but the rest of the family has always beat it. When my cousin was diagnosed with leukemia, she was given a 30% chance of survival. She beat it and then went on to be colon cancer many years later. We all assumed that my mom would be her cancer too.







I'm very grateful that my cancer is so minor. I just really wish I had my mom to talk to about all this. She was such a good listener. I agree with you that I feel her presence but really miss her feedback.

When my mom was diagnosed, I bought her a T-shirt that was plain white with black letter that just said F**K CANCER (censored to comply with MDC UA). It's a short statement but seems rather fitting.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
When my mom was diagnosed, I bought her a T-shirt that was plain white with black letter that just said F**K CANCER (censored to comply with MDC UA). It's a short statement but seems rather fitting.









I love it.


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## mamasgroovin

Me, too. I'd wear it.


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## papschmitty

When my mom was first diagnosed, she would say that during radiation treatments she imagined her cancer cells as weak and stupid. She imagined them to wear thick glasses, have buck teeth, and looking nerdy. A family friend joked that in sounded like Kipp from the movie Napoleon Dynamite. (If you haven't seen the movie yet, this probably won't make much sense to you. The movie is hilarious so if you haven't seen it, you should!) After that, we referred to her cancer as Kipp. I actually posted about it on my blog, you can read it here if you'd like. When she was admitted to the hospital for what turned out to be the final time, her sister brought some Rex Kwon Doe pants that she tracked down on Ebay. If you don't remember the movie, he wore these 80s pants that were like the American flag. We hung the pants up on the armoire by her bed as an inspiration for her to kick Kipp's butt. She got quite a laugh from it. (Humor is a very important aspect to our family if you can't tell already.) When she died, we had her creamated in those pants. We would have had her in the F**K CANCER T-shirt too but it wasn't at the hospital when she died. I might just have to wear it in her honor. Good thing my DD can't read yet!


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## mum4boys

that is so funny.

My mom went basically unconscious about 2 days before she died. We would all be in her room joking and laughing, and she would smile right along with us.


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## KJoslyn78

sorry i havent been here much







to all of you

My 30th Birthday was on Sunday - and it was - without a doubt - my worst birthday ever. The first one since my mom died... and with my dad already having been dead since 2003 - i felt really really alone. My 1 brother is no where to be found, and the other was working and had a dead cell phone - so no one called me. My step-MIL was just rude to me, and i just feel (still) horrible about how she acted that whole day to me, esp considering how well DH was treated the sunday before for HIS 30th birthday. We live with her, so this only compounds my anger for her. Basically i spent my birthday alone, loney and ignored (even though everyone was here).







DH was the only one who attempted to make the day better for me (which is odd - usually he's the one to make me feel worse).


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## mamasgroovin

Oh dear!







That sucks, mama. I'm sorry.


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## mum4boys

hugs


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## notwonamesalike

Hugs.

I would like to join this thread. I lost my mom in 2004 after a 6 week battle with pancreatic cancer. I was 26. I had two younger brothers in their late teens, early 20's.

It hit us especially hard because we lost my father to colon cancer 8 years earlier. We felt like orphans.

My parents never got to meet their grandson. Some days it breaks my heart. Other days I look at his smiling face, and we lean into each other and rest our foreheads together and as the energy passes between us, I know she's here, loving her grandson and watching over me as I make decisions as a parent that I always thought I would be able to confer with her about.

I miss her desperately. But the part that bothers me the most about this is that my son will never know either of his grandparents on my side. Yes, he's got grandparents on DH's side that love him, but DH and I live several states away from those grandparents for a reason.


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## mamasgroovin

notwonamesalike~ Welcome to our tribe.







I lost my mom to breast cancer after a six week battle. I was 25. While it was an eternity to watch her die, I guess we were blessed that she went so relately quickly.

I was fortunate enough to have her at my first birth







, but I am sad that she will never know my other dc.

There is another mom here who has lost both parents as well. I can't even imagine.

Anyway, thanks for joining us.









Paige


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## mum4boys

Welcome notwonamesalike to our sad little tribe.

I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer this past July. She hung on much longer then the doctors said, so she could see her granddaughter. It still makes me very sad that my baby girl will never know her grandma. My boys still talk about my mom in the present tense. I wonder when that will change.


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## apurrfectplace

Hi,

Reading this thread brought me so much pain... I feel the "aloneness" you all feel.

I am about to become a mother for the first time, at age 45... to twin sons. They will never know their grandmother, my mom. I am an orphan... my mom died of melanocytoma (a rare form of malignant melanoma that drops down thru the skin and into the central nervous system, or brain in her case). She died horiffically, in my arms, after lapsing into a 5 day coma.

My mom was not the perfect mom but she left me alone and terrified for my sister, who is mentally retarded and physically handicapped. She left my sister defenseless and penniless. It was terrible. Her death rocked my world completely, 3 years ago. We packed up and moved to New England, to help my sister become independent for the first time in her life (sis is doing so-so).

Upon my mother's death, the family unit as I knew it basically imploded over a short period of time and I find myself totally alone... with just my sister, who I love but who, being retarded, is a perpetual teenager and "all about her". It is hard, and it is painful.

I feel a lot of anger at my mother for dropping the ball and not being a proper mother... she had told us years before that she had a handicapped trust for my sis and a life insurance policy, etc. She lied. So I am really bitter about that, as my sister is at the mercy of me and the State, basically. That is not right and that is NOT how I will move forward in planning my children's futures.

I have this feeling based on reading MDC that parenting will truly challenge me in bringing up both positive AND the negative memories of the way I was parented. I kind of dread the negative side, because I was a child of the 70s and my mom, being a single mom and all, parenting twins and a handicapped child, was basically a "non-parent" and let us run wild and parent ourselves, basically. I will fight tooth and nail to be the best mom I can be and overcome that negativity.


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## mum4boys

Welcome apurrfectplace,

Congratulations about becoming a mom for the first time what a very exciting time for you. Your boys will be very lucky. You know what kind of mom you want to be. You can learn from the mistakes your mom made. I can understand about your sister. I know how hard that must be on you to have that as your only extended family. Babies have a way of bringing out the best in people. I bet she will delight in her role as Aunty.
I have a sister who fried her brain. I was so angry with her for years and years. Then one day I realized my anger serves no purpose. I was treating strangers better then her. I now just go along with the flow and do not take anything she does as personal. Any positive, is a bonus. Since my mom passed away, we have seen a lot of changes in her and she actually has become less selfish.


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## mum4boys

papschmitty how are you doing? I have been thinking about you.


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## papschmitty

Awww, thanks for remembering!







It's been a rough week.

We had another counseling session with my dad last Friday. My sister said he left work in tears Thursday afternoon and then he called me to say we could cancel the appointment because they had broken things off. He was devastated of course so I went to his house after getting DD to bed and talked him into going to counseling the next day. By the time we had our appointment, he was all happy again - they had gotten back together yet again. I swear it's like being in junior high. I was much more angry in this session. I basically told him that she was like a cat playing with a half dead mouse and that she was going to keep doing this over and over again until one day she slaps him with the reality that she's done with him as her boy toy. He basically said that he didn't care, they were in love, and we didn't know all the good things about her.







My poor dad is such a mess. Our sessions have changed from trying to help my dad to helping my sister and I set boundaries for what we will and will not tolerate regarding his relationship. Now he's been totally depressed again. This time it's lasted for 3 days so far. I'm hoping it means she called things off for good. I hate seeing my dad so heartbroken but it's what's best for everyone. We have our next session in a couple weeks so hopefully we'll know more then.

As far as my melanoma goes...I had the surgery to remove more tissue yesterday. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal so I went by myself on an extended lunch break. The MD was shocked that I was alone and horrified when I told her I was planning to go back to work. Her exact words were, "You do realize I'm cutting a chunk of flesh out of your leg, right?" I told her not to worry, that I was tough. I have about 2 inches worth of stitches going diagonally across my calf. She stitched it up with a technique that leaves a "prettier" scar but itsn't quite as strong. I have to very careful not to tear it open over the next two weeks. It hurts but not as bad as she made it sound. I just have to be very careful to keep it elevated and try to stay off my feet. When I walk, I have to do so pretty gingerly or else it kind of pulls on the stitches. I'm working but luckily I spend most of the day sitting. The other nurse I work with has been nice enough to see most of the patients so I can just sit. I'll hear back in 10 days as to whether or not they got it all. I asked to see the chunk of flesh that they cut out. It was so weird to see a chunk of me just sitting in a jar. It looked so innocent, I can't believe it contained something that could have been fatal. I wish my mom could have been so lucky.







As long the surgery truly did remove everything, I go back in two weeks to have the stitches taken out and then have to every 3 months to be photographed from head to toe.


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## mamasgroovin

Wow.


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## mum4boys

Oh man. I would be half mind to go do some talking to that woman or her husband.









I am glad they got the cancer. I pray they got it all.

I got some weird news yesterday. It is funny how that my mom has died i make sure everyone is going to the dr. nothing festers. Anyway I did a sleep lab a couple of weeks ago and I am having alpha intrusions. I wake up 44 times an hour. No wonder I am always feel tired.


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## mamasgroovin

So what do they do for that, Heidi??? That's crazy!!







for some good







!!


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## papschmitty

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum4boys* 
Oh man. I would be half mind to go do some talking to that woman or her husband.









I am glad they got the cancer. I pray they got it all.

I got some weird news yesterday. It is funny how that my mom has died i make sure everyone is going to the dr. nothing festers. Anyway I did a sleep lab a couple of weeks ago and I am having alpha intrusions. I wake up 44 times an hour. No wonder I am always feel tired.

Wow, that's weird. What are they planning to do for you? Do you suffer from fibromyalgia?

Believe me, I'm so tempted to contact her. My sister and I actually serious entertained the idea. She has broken up with my dad 4 times in their 6 month relationship. He's beyond devastated every time. Every time she changes her mind within 24 hours. She's been stringing him along saying she's going to leave her husband but obviously that hasn't happened. We were so tempted to tell her to please do my dad a favor and stop torturing him like this. He hasn't even had a chance to heal after losing my mom and now he keeps losing her over and over and over again. In the end, we decided against it. Obviously, she doesn't care about what we think. If she did, she would not have hopped into bed with our grieving father two months after my mom passed away. I don't want to tell her husband because I'd love for nothing more than her to go back to her intact family for the sake of her little boy and leave my dad alone (FOR GOOD) so he can move on with his life and find a REAL new life partner.








I hope for her sake we don't run into each other on the street. I don't think I'll be able to bite my tongue.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Wow, that's weird. What are they planning to do for you? Do you suffer from fibromyalgia?

Believe me, I'm so tempted to contact her. My sister and I actually serious entertained the idea. She has broken up with my dad 4 times in their 6 month relationship. He's beyond devastated every time. Every time she changes her mind within 24 hours. She's been stringing him along saying she's going to leave her husband but obviously that hasn't happened. We were so tempted to tell her to please do my dad a favor and stop torturing him like this. He hasn't even had a chance to heal after losing my mom and now he keeps losing her over and over and over again. In the end, we decided against it. Obviously, she doesn't care about what we think. If she did, she would not have hopped into bed with our grieving father two months after my mom passed away. I don't want to tell her husband because I'd love for nothing more than her to go back to her intact family for the sake of her little boy and leave my dad alone (FOR GOOD) so he can move on with his life and find a REAL new life partner.







I hope for her sake we don't run into each other on the street. I don't think I'll be able to bite my tongue.


I was actually diagnosed with fibro after I was electrocuted about 6 years ago. I had a lot of issues from it. It took about 6 months to figure out what it was. They thought at first I had lupus. Anyway after they recalled viox I have not taken anything for my fibro. I have flare ups occassionally.But really it is not that bad. I think my arthritis medicaiton helps some. Heck I remembered to tell the dr. at the sleep lab about the electrocution but not the fibro. Anyway it was not until last night when I looked up the alpha intrusions that I saw that it was linked to fibro. So I have had this medication to take. So far not going good. The dr. says I need a weekend or two or three days where I can sleep as long as I want to get adjusted to the medication. Off hand I cannot remember the name. I took ambien and the other one when I was first diagnosed. Those were awful. I mean awful. The dr. I see says he does not prescribe them because they do not put you in a natural sleep. Oh I work 7 days a week and I work usually at 2 am. So not sure how I am going to do this.


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## mum4boys

bump

how is everyone?


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## mamasgroovin

So far so good. This _is_ when Mom was diagnosed, though...so I don't know if in the next couple of weeks things might head south. But it is spring and I feel fine!


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## papschmitty

Mamasgroovin, I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well so far!

Last weekend was pretty rough but I'm seem to be back on an upswing again. I'm taking Stella and my two nieces to our church's Easter egg hunt tomorrow which should be a lot of fun. Sunday, we're going over to my dad's house for Easter. This is the first time he's had us over since Christmas. He and his idiot girlfriend have broken up and gotten back together at least 3 times since my last post. It's so hard and so frustrating to see him suffer through such low lows. Oh well, that's what he's chosen for himself. He did renew his subscription to E*Harmony so I'm hoping that's a good sign. I've had a few dreams about my mom which is comforting but so far we haven't spoken in the dreams, I wish we could!

My leg is still pretty tender after my surgery last week. I did hear back and the melanoma is officially gone.







I go back to have my stitches taken out next week and DH is getting his own skin check at the same time. Hopefully, he'll come out with the all-clear too!

How is everyone else doing? How's the sleep stuff going mum4boys?


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## Mountain Diva

I was looking for a tribe for new moms over 40, or Montessorians, or homeschoolers, or mothers of children with physical special needs ... it never occured to me there were other women who had lost their moms. My beautiful beloved best-friend mother was diagnosed in May of 2001 with Pancreatic cancer that had matasticized to her lungs. I had had 4 miscarriages and was pretty hopeless about having a baby. She said, You'd better get going on that baby. From her lips to God's ears. I found out I was pregnant, and it was sticking, and I was due in February. She held on, with all she had, my god did she fight it, but she died 6 weeks before Ben was born. The only ONLY reason I survived her loss was having him. Then, 2 years later, my daughter was coming ... and all heck broke loose. Instead of the no-drugs birth I had had with Ben, this was an emergency C-section, she almost died, I almost died ... Every doctor was amazed by my strength and purity of focus - she was going to make it, I was going to make it, there was no question in my mind. I knew that on the other side was a mothering goddess giving us all her love. Monday Naomi Dean will be 4 years old. Like the woman for whom she is named she loves chocolate, horses and sunshine.


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## mamasgroovin

Wow...that was truly beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
Welcome to the tribe, Mountain Diva.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Mamasgroovin, I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well so far!

Last weekend was pretty rough but I'm seem to be back on an upswing again. I'm taking Stella and my two nieces to our church's Easter egg hunt tomorrow which should be a lot of fun. Sunday, we're going over to my dad's house for Easter. This is the first time he's had us over since Christmas. He and his idiot girlfriend have broken up and gotten back together at least 3 times since my last post. It's so hard and so frustrating to see him suffer through such low lows. *Oh well, that's what he's chosen for himself.* He did renew his subscription to E*Harmony so I'm hoping that's a good sign. *I've had a few dreams about my mom which is comforting but so far we haven't spoken in the dreams, I wish we could!
*
My leg is still pretty tender after my surgery last week. I did hear back and the melanoma is officially gone.







I go back to have my stitches taken out next week and DH is getting his own skin check at the same time. Hopefully, he'll come out with the all-clear too!

How is everyone else doing? How's the sleep stuff going mum4boys?

Way to go on the surgery...that is wonderful news!!

And you sound much better about the dad stuff, too.







It is his choice and he will have to figure it out on his own. You have tried to help and sounds like you've done a stellar job. Sometimes it is hard to sit back and watch the ones you love make mistakes...but that is part of this life we live in.









And finally...Mom dreams. This is still very frustrating for me, too. I see her in her dreams, and usually it is a post-cancer type situation and we are just going about our lives as normal. When I wake up I am so sad that I didn't hug her and tell her I love her and miss her.







I even had a dream about her last night (and am just now remembering it). When I woke up this morning I searched out Mom's coffee cup (the one I gave her as a little girl) and gave her a little Easter toast. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad...but now I realize it was because of my dream.









I hope everyone is well!







:


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## Mountain Diva

I have a couple of thoughts on some of these other posts I'm reading, but I don't want to intrude on your privacy, which is odd because here we are pouring out or hearts to the ether of the internet.
My parents were married for 50 years, and together for 60, they had met as teenagers. My father had been very much the "father" and mom was an incredible mom. As he put it at her service, she excelled in academics and sports, but she was born to be a mother. He totally stepped up when she fell ill. To see their bond was a true gift to me and my 4 sibilings, we saw that before "all of us" it was "just them," it was beautiful. That's why it was so shocking when he started dating. And the women ... just the polar opposite of my mom. It went on for a while, and bothered all of us kids. I came to accept it, oddly, after seeing a movie, "Must love dogs" and the scene were the very randy widower father explains to his daughter that he's already had the love of his life, he can't even look for that again, so he's just going to have fun and be with different women. For my dad, I know his feeling stems from his belief in heaven, and he says, I'm going to be with your mother again there, so I can't get too serious with anyone else down here.
As for helping my children, who never knew my mom on this plane of existence, I have told them alot about her. And we do things she would love and I say, You know who would love this? and they chorus joyfully, NANA!
On her birthday we have hot dogs and brownies with a candle. And my children do amazing things sometimes that really blow me away. DS will say, Nana is in my heart and my heart is full of love, so Nana is love. And then the night before my DD was going to have surgery, at the age of 2, I was holding her and looking at her and praying, and she looked right into my eyes, took my face in both of her tiny little hands, and smiled. It was like my mom was coming through to reassure me.
The truth of unconditional love is really only understood when you are the one giving it. I'm in awe of my mother now more than ever. I try to honor her every day by being a good mom, but I know when I mess up, she still loves me, and she wants me to keep trying and not give up.


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## papschmitty

Welcome Mountain Diva. Your posts brought tears to my eyes! That's an interesting perspective regarding your dad. My dad's current idiot, married girlfriend is so polar opposite from my mom. Maybe he wants it that way for a reason. I'm trying to just let all the difficult feelings around that go and just try to enjoy being his daughter and sharing his grandchildren with him. It's hard, but at least I'm trying.

I hope everyone is enjoying Easter! Many blessings to all of you!


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## Mountain Diva

Thank you for your welcoming. I was telling my sister about finding this tribe this morning, and I she is happy for me, because she is not married and is childless, so while she listens to my sadness, she cannot fully empathize - though we respect that we mourn our loss of our mother equally.
We have been very lucky in that dad has stopped the active dating, but he really shattered us a few Christmas's ago when he invited a lady friend and her daughter to dinner at the country club where he and my mom had met as kids and spent so much of their time together as a family. Luckily, I was safely 2000 miles away, I didn't have to participate - but each sibling called at some point during the evening by slipping out with their cell phone to give me the play-by-play. Now, he seems more interested in going to lectures and playing tennis, and keeping his mind active. I'm sure he doesn't lack for interested ladies since he is 81, healthy and a great dancer. He does make it a point to only date independent women, though, I've noticed.


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## mum4boys

welcome Mountain Diva.

The one thing in my life I am thankful for is my father is not dating. He says he cannot imagine dating. My mom and him were married almost 52 years. I am not sure if I mentioned this before but apparently some family members are okay with him dating over him becoming a priest. I jokingly said oh dad you can become a priest now(we are catholic). My sister about had a melt down and she still brings it up how my dad just cannot be a priest and I better stop encouraging him. BTW my dad has no interest in dating or being a priest.

papschmitty how is your leg now. How are things with your dad.

I had a interesting reaction on Friday. I had to have an ultrasound and almost lost it at one point. I was with my mom when they found her tumor through an ultrasound. They were not looking for a tumor. They were just trying to figure out why her bladder was not working. Anyway I almost had this moment of panic.


----------



## mamasgroovin

I was going to wait to post this, but since it has become active, thought I might as well go ahead now and then I can update you later.









Friday I am going out of town! I am driving 5 hours away to see a concert, getting a nice room and then driving back fourish hour to the Red River Gorge...where we "scattered" Mom's ashes. I say "scattered" because when we put them into the River we pretty much expected them to be washed away down the river. Apparently Mom wanted to hang out with us a while, because those ashes didn't move an inch. There she was, in a clump. Right there.







I'll never for get that as long as I live.

I guess I didn't mention that this is a solo venture for me. Dh is staying home with the kids. I've never gone anywhere without _anyone_ before...this is a new gig for me.







I'm am very excited, and a tad nervous.

Mom died April 13, 1993. So I am coming up on the 15 year anniversary. Today, April Fool's Day, is the anniversary of the day I met my soul mate...20 years ago. And I will be 40 in July. These numbers are playing some serious mind games with me.

I have known my husband half my life, and my mother has been gone nearly half my life. I can't really even fathom this. It's unreal to me. I had a bit of a breakdown over the weekend. I was completely over reacting to a situation...it took me a few to figure out that I wasn't really pissed off about screwing up my hotel reservations...it was about the whole trip and Mom and such. I'm better now.







And VERY excited for my trip.


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## mum4boys

Wow that is a neat trip you have planned.

The ashes sound like something that happen at my mom's funeral. We had doves released (it was part of the package). Instead of the dove's flying up into the sky like they are suppose to instead they dived bombed us and then went about 30 feet into the air and roosted in a tree. We were all dying laughing. My mom would have loved it. We could never have planned it


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## KJoslyn78

Sorry i haven't updated in a while i've not been doing well lately and just not up for sharing - but i've been reading - add in a sick baby this month and time has been sparse... and hello to anyone new.

I just wanted to share some pics i recently scanned. It's of my Mom and Dad at their wedding back in 1975... I just got them from my uncle a month ago - but hadn't been able to scan them (usually the scanner is covered with stuff!)

http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r...s/scan0006.jpg
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r...s/scan0005.jpg
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r...s/scan0004.jpg
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r...s/scan0003.jpg


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## papschmitty

Mum4boys, that story about the doves was hilarious!

KJoslyn78, I'm sorry you're having a rough time.







Those are great pictures!

My dad has been out of the town for the last 10 days vacationing with his best friend. I spent the week staying at his house babysitting his neurotic dogs. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but there were definitely some times that I really missed my mom. Now DH is out of town for his annual dirt bike race. Every other year when he'd go I would stay with my parents for the company and extra help with DD. I'm feeling pretty lonely and sad tonight.







It's a good thing I'm exhausted. I'm off to fold some laundry and go to bed!


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## mum4boys

It is hard sometimes staying at my parents house too. I understand that loss of not having your mom around when dh is out of town.


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## mamasgroovin

I survived! Here's how it went.

Friday I drove to Chattanooga. I had traffic problems, so it took 7 very long hours.







: But it was fine...I enjoyed the peace and quiet...well, other than my tunes crankin'.







During my drive something REALLY cool happened. I had just crossed into Tennessee and was listening to Taught to Be Proud...the current song link in my siggy...I was thinking about my mom as I always do when I hear this song (there's a story as to why) and it was in a serious jam right before coming back into the chorus when I drove over the Red River!!!







I was shocked...could this really be the same Red River that I put my mother into 15 years ago?!?!?! I didn't think it went that far. And it might not...I still haven't checked to see if it's the same. I almost don't want to, YK...ignorance is bliss.









So I go to the concert and SEVERAL of the songs that were played were loaded with significance about either my mom or just the journey in general. It was a great show and I had a great time (perhaps TOO great as then next day was a bit difficult







)

The next day I drive up to the Gorge...another 6 hours...this drive was much more difficult. I finally got to the Mountain Parkway ~ where the road becomes awesomely beautiful ~ grabbed a random cd. The Moody Blues...Mom's favorite band. The song _You Can Never Go Home_ came on and I lost it. It was the perfect song for the weekend. I tried to find a link but couldn't.









Here are the lyrics, though...

I made it to the lodge, dropped my stuff in my room and hiked up to the top of Natural Bridge. Spectacular...as always.









The next morning I got up, ate, packed the car and drove into the Gorge and parked at the trail head. The hike to mom should have taken 45 minutes, but I got a bit lost. Oops. I finally got back on the right trail, found the spot. Mind you, this is a VERY primitive trail...more like a deer trail to be honest. It's pretty hard, too. I want to take the kids, but I don't think the younger one's would be able to. Still thinking on that.

So I got to the spot. I forgot to mention that it was sunny and 70. Perfect! It was beautiful. I built a rock memorial by the river with 15 rocks...one for each year. Stuck a stick of Nag Champa incense in it and just hung out. I didn't cry until the end when I needed to leave. I felt very calm and peaceful the entire time I was there. I didn't want to leave.







But I did. I had a nice hike back to the car...going the proper way this time, and drove on home,another 3 hours.

I'm not sure exactly what I learned on this journey other that I can do things _for_ myself and _by_ myself. I guess that's a pretty good lesson.


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## mum4boys

ARGH MDC makes me mad...I replied here yesteday and now my post is gone.









mamasgroovin sounds like a great weekend.


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## mamasgroovin

Well, this weekend sucked.









I got a weird call Friday night. It was my dad, he was just chatting away. He said he called to toast Mom. OK, but she died on the 13th, not the 11th...but I decided not to say anything. So I got a glass of wine and we had a toast over the phone.







So then he says, well perhaps you can settle this dispute, your brother says Mom died the 11th, but I think it was the 12th b/c Mom and my dad died the same day, right? (different years). So I was shocked that neither of them remembered it was the 13th...especially my brother. Well, I pulled out the Death Certificate and scanned it and emailed them both a copy. Weird...whatever.

But then it turns ugly. My dad's wife, who I _loving_ refer to as the ESM (evil step mom), wanted to talk to me. Great...I'm thrilled just what I wanted on a Friday night. She told me that she had talked to my mom (have I mentioned that she is a total lunatic?) and Mom thought that I needed to participate in this Oprah online class or whatever about anger and resentment and letting things go. Apparently, I was angry when I was pregnant with Grant...13 years ago...and because of this I need help. WTF???? Sorry, but this situation completely deserves a WTF. So she starts going on and on about how this program will really help me let it all go. Well, I mourn the loss of my mother...but I am no longer distraught...time really does have a way of healing such wounds. I had a great weekend (before) celebrating my mom's life...and mine. I am currently more at peace with the Universe than probably ever before. I have a great life...I _really_ do, and I know it.

If my mom wants to communicate with me she is NOT using THAT woman as her vessel. I think Mom is pretty clear on my feelings regarding the ESM (especially of late)...if she really needed to tell me something she would find a better way.

I was up for hours crying Friday night. Why does she do this to me? And why now?? Does she really think it is appropriate to tell someone on the day they believe is the day the persons mother died that they talked to her? (OK...that's hard to follow, but I think you know what I am trying to say.







) I don't know what to do about her. She just keeps crossing that line. She was disrespectful towards me (well, a lot...but specifically) a few weeks ago by buying something for my daughter that I respectfully requested she never do (buy a Dora dress) and I have clearly stated my reasons why. She told me she bought Carrie a dress and said she hoped I didn't mind. I said, no as long as there isn't a Dora on it we are cool. She said it had butterflies and flowers. She hands it too Carrie when we see her and sure enough it has a big fat Dora head on it. I was pissed. So I saw her again a few days later and gave her the dress back and simply said, I am returning this to you because as you know I do not want my daughter wearing this type of clothing for all the reason we have discussed before. It was the first time I stood up to her. THAT is why I think she is doing this to me. I really think she is evil.

Sorry for the long post.







If you made it this far thanks for reading on.


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## mum4boys

Oh HUGS I think I would have responded with my mom and I only discuss these things directly between us and that is not what my mother said.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum4boys* 
Oh HUGS I think I would have responded with my mom and I only discuss these things directly between us and that is not what my mother said.

















Yes...that would be good.


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## thewaggonerfamily

nak, oht
I will share my mom's story later (Its in greif forum abt the 1st week in Dec) and I'm going back to read all of yours... but I was in Meijers and started crying when I saw the Mothers day cards. I just wanted to share with someone who understands. <sigh>


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## thewaggonerfamily

copied and pasted...

<sigh>Well, I think I belong here, now. My mom died Friday evening. She had been waiting for a liver transplant but had been too weak to get on the transplant list (the surgery would have killed her) and went into total kidney failure, so the Friday before my dad made the decision (in total accordance with mom's previously stated wishes and supported by all of us) to take no heroic measures as there was no hope of recovery. So all the tubes were removed from her and she was kept comfortable. She was in a coma by that point. Friday evening, my dad and sister (who were sitting with her) went to dinner and 5 mins later the hospital called and said she was gone. The funny thing is I had gone grocery shopping to Meijers with DH (we had been by the phone on the death wait for a week and couldn't wait any longer) and while I was shopping I got an ear worm (you know, a song that wont get out of your head?) and I kept singing the chorus to "I'll fly away" under my breath over and over again. (For those that don't know the hymn it goes "I'll fly away oh, glory, I'll fly away, When I die, Hallelujia by and by, Oh I'll fly away. After my DH was giving me a dirty look, I said I couldn't stop, I just couldn't get the song out of my head. then I said, "I wonder if it has anything to do with my mom." then as I was checking out I said that I though it was because we had sung it at a funeral a few weeks ago. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I called my sister to check in and I asked her if mom was still "snoring comfortably" (Our little joke from that week, I never knew people snored while in a coma...) and she said, not exactly... and told me the hospital called after they left. (At the time, they were ordering dinner and had decided that they would call people after dinner, but would tell people if they called.) Any how, she told me that mom had died at 7:30pm which was 8:30 our time and (I'm sure you guessed it) right when that song got in my head and would not let go. I'm so glad DH was there to witness it, so I knew I wasn't crazy. I'm quite certain, that was mom's way of saying goodbye. I feel okay that I wasn't there since my mom had come to see Matthew right as she was starting this last downward slide. She was pretty sick, but I'm so glad she could see and hold him, since she had been so sick, she hadn't even seen me pregnant nor got to participate in his pregnancy like she usually did with my other kids. And the whole time she was here we did nothing but talk, which was wonderful, since she has been so sick and weak that it has been little more than a "hello" and then "here, talk to your dad" for the last year and a half.

Even though I've had my crying moments, I still don't think it has quite hit me. I feel really bad for my dad, perhaps because I know some of his pain from my experience with DH this summer. Basically for those who don't know, June 15, Scott was lifeflighted from our community hospital to the big regional hospital ICU. He went from talking to me to crashing in about an hour. He crashed (heart raced really fast and they had to shock his heart) at our local hospital, they intubated him and lifeflighted him, where they worked on him the entire 12 minute flight to keep him alive (including shocking his heart again)until he got to the ICU at the regional hospital and then later that night when I was in with him he crashed again (His BP dropped out the bottom that time). He ended up having necrotizing fascitis (the flesh eating bacteria) from an infected hair follicle on his inner thigh (a boil) and they removed a 6" x 6" x 10" chunk from his leg, he had toxic shock syndrome (which is staph in your bloodstream) and was in septic shock that caused all of his organ systems to shut down. (lungs, heart, digestive, liver and kidneys) He gained about 25# of fluid from the sepsis and had to get dialysis. He was unconscious and intubated in the ICU and was not expected to make it. They told me that if he made it he would be critical in the ICU for 3-6 months. He was not expected to be awake for our baby's birth. He is my walking miracle; was extubated and left the ICU after 3 weeks and went home in 4 weeks. (A week after leaving the ICU!) They also had told me that he would have to go to a rehab hospital for a few weeks before he went home. He never did. He came home with a walker and very weak and on dialysis 3x a week on July 10. The last concern for permanent damage was whether or not his kidneys would come back or if he would permanently be on dialysis and need a kidney transplant. Amazingly a week after we came home he was off of dialysis. A week after that his bloodwork was good enough to have his dialysis port removed. He was on a wound vac, but that ended on his birthday August 27 and his wound is now completely healed into a neat little seam. September 7th the visiting nurse came to discharge him from home health care along with the home OT and PT. Now he will be going to outpatient OT and PT so he can regain his strength to return to work. DH works transportation for a state prison so need to be able to run across the prison in case of a riot, wrestle prisoners to the ground and shoot a handgun and shotgun. He doesn't do those things very often, but needs to be able to, KWIM? I am sooo happy, that not only is he alive, but he is doing great recovering and my greatest hope when he was sickest was that perhaps he might be well enough to be wheeled down to the birth in a wheelchair to just witness our baby's birth and now he is well enough to drive me to the hospital and be an active participant. Woohoo! His only ongoing issue right now other than getting stronger is that he now appears to have a post-infection type of arthritis that should last a few months, and he has painful joints that makes his rehab to get stronger more difficult, but with all we have been through, we'll make it through this bump in the road. A side benefit, although I would recommend Weight Watchers instead of becoming critically ill, is he lost 50 pounds from when he got sick. (He was overweight) He is doing great and I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts while we were going through the worst of it. It sustained me through some of the darkest hours when I thought I would lose my beloved husband and I am absolutely certain, that the prayers and good thoughts are why he is alive and recovering so well. There are too many things that happened the one and only way they could for him to survive and that happened many times over.

Well this is already way too long, but I just wanted to introduce myself, since I suspect I'll need the support as losing my mom really sinks in. We're having her memorial services the beginning of March. My mom was only 60. <sigh>


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## Cherie2

this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thewaggonerfamily* 
nak, oht
I will share my mom's story later (Its in greif forum abt the 1st week in Dec) and I'm going back to read all of yours... but I was in Meijers and started crying when I saw the Mothers day cards. I just wanted to share with someone who understands. <sigh>

Hugs and welcome to our sad little group.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her


I think there are a lot of us here that this will be our first mother's day. I am not sure how I will handle it. I keep on finding my mom the perfect mother's day gift. You know how hard it was to find on perfect gift? This year I have found like 10.


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## notwonamesalike

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her

My family, and mom's sisters and her own mother all get together the weekend of her birthday. We all go out to eat and share memories of Mom. We've been doing this for 3 years, and I love it.


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## mum4boys

bump


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## mamasgroovin

How ya doing??


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## papschmitty

Holy @#$%! I just took a pg test this morning and it was positive! We had to do fertility treatments to get pg with DD. I haven't been on birth control since we started TTC DD and she's two. I've been doing acupuncture and TCM for about 6 mos now but I never thought I'd really, truly get pg on my own. I am in total shock. It's 5:45 am so the only person I've told is DH. I'm so happy, so scared, and so sad for my mom all at the same time. Holy @#$%, I'm PREGNANT!







:







:







:


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## mamasgroovin

:







:


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Holy @#$%! I just took a pg test this morning and it was positive! We had to do fertility treatments to get pg with DD. I haven't been on birth control since we started TTC DD and she's two. I've been doing acupuncture and TCM for about 6 mos now but I never thought I'd really, truly get pg on my own. I am in total shock. It's 5:45 am so the only person I've told is DH. I'm so happy, so scared, and so sad for my mom all at the same time. Holy @#$%, I'm PREGNANT!







:







:







:

I am so happy for you. Congratulations.


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## papschmitty

Thank you so much everyone! Yesterday, I had a little conversation with God. I asked him to please give me a sign that my knows about this pregnancy and is watching over me. As I was driving home from work, there was the most beautiful, huge rainbow in the sky. I felt such peace. I really miss having my mom to be excited with me but I'm feeling remarkably strong in the emotions department (though I'm starting to get choked up as I type this). It's kind of surprising really. I debated about whether or not to tell my dad this early. He can't keep happy secrets like this very well and doesn't have my mom there to keep him in check. I thought about it, though, and I knew he'd be devastated if he knew I chose not to tell him right away. So far he's kept his mouth shut but it's only been 24 hours.







I stopped by his office on my way home (DD's daycare is next door) and he kept giving me that silly "I know something special" grin. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this pregnancy a secret very long. I'm just still is such shock! If my mom were here, she'd already be out shopping for stuff for me and the baby. She loved getting stuff for her grandkids!

How is everyone else doing?


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## earthgirl

First, congrats on the pregnancy, papschmitty. I hope it is a peaceful one for you.

OK, I seldom post on here, but I am compelled to do so tonight. I'm having all of those horrible feelings that resurface whenever mother's day is approaching. Last year was my first as a mom, and it was mostly a good one. I don't know if I was just excited about my first mother's day or what, but it wasn't so hard last year. But this one's killing me. I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit but I am F---ING pissed that my mom died. It has been almost 12 years and I am surprised to find myself feeling so angry again (still?). I want so badly to make sense of losing her. I don't know that I can ever get over how unfair it feels.

Mother's day is a cruel reminder in so many ways. I find myself reflecting on the ways I mother my own DD and how could memories of my own mom not be part of that? And I'm reminded of how much time has passed, how much of my life my mom has not been a part of. It's too much sometimes. And don't even get me started on having to wish my MIL a happy mother's day. That is completely painful for me. I mean, it's seriously, seriously difficult.

Anyway, I'm rambling w/ no real point. I know that I'm not the only one that hates this time of year.







to all of you that are also struggling.


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## Dar

Back for the annual Mother's Day blues... last year (or the year before?) I emailed the lyrics to Eric Clapton's "Motherless Children" to my sister on Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day, my dad and his new wife are coming out to visit Rain and me in Kansas... they arrive Saturday and leave Monday. The timing is not so great... New Wife is also a mother, and we (my sibs, Rain, and I) are not all that fond of her. My dad hasn't come to visit me since I moved here, though, over 3 years ago. My dad has left his mother, who is 95 and in assisted living in Arizona, all alone for Mother's Day... unless my sister goes to visit, which she might. My brother is in Iraq.

My mom died in December of 2001, so maybe I should be over it... but I'm not. I keep thinking that this would all not be happening... my dad wouldn't have drifted away from his kids (and my bro and sis miss him), my grandma wouldn't be alone, my daughter would have a grandma... it just sucks.

I told Rain I didn't want anything for Mother's Day.

Dar


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## sunanthem

Oh earthgirl, many hugs to you! I think I posted a long time ago here.
My mom died 8 years ago. It is unfair. I was just thinking the other day, that though I try my best, have a good life and love my family, that there will always be this underlying sadness in me. My heart is broken. I'm in a weird place right now where I feel like I'm really drifting from her.. maybe to not feel the pain? I need to bring her brightness back into my life. I need to talk w/ her more, put up more photos of her and me, and tell more stories about her to my kids, and hear more stories from my grandmother and uncle and her friends about her. I just feel like she is now really slipping away, as my life moves on and I dont take the time I need to reflect on her.
Happy Mothers day to all the mamas and to OUR moms.


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## sunanthem

Dar I hear what you are saying about the family drifting apart. That has happened to me too. She really was the glue in our family and now, we really barely keep in touch.


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## Cherie2

This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.

Our mother lost her mother when she was only 13 years old and she grieved that loss her whole life. I think mothers day must have been the hardest day for her because she had a very hard time enjoying the appreciation we would try to bestow upon her, she was sad and grieved for her mother.

so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.









thats all


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.









thats all

Wow. Nicely put.









That's all.
For now. I reserve the right to change my mind as I have much on my mind. OK...I guess that wasn't all.


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## KJoslyn78

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.
<snip>
so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.









thats all

This is my first without my mom too... and the thing that has been killer is seeing all the Mother's Day stuff in stores, the stupid Zales commerical, etc. It hurt so much more i think because, the last time my children saw my mom alive, was mother's day weekend last year when she spent the weekend with us. She was in the hospital 2 weeks later.

I'll try to keep that "let my kids have their mothers day" idea in my head... but i imagine it will be much like my 30th birthday was in March... no one will notice or care


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## sunanthem

I am letting my kids have their mothers day, shoot, I need all the special admiration and attention I can get! I work hard at being a mom and I deserve it! And you all deserve it, too!


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## mamasgroovin

Hey, sunanthem! I keep bumping onto you.


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## mamasgroovin

OK, ladies, I think I am ready for my perspective.

I've been through a lot of motherless Mother's Days now...this is the 15th. And I have been a mother for 15 years, too. The very first one we scattered her ashes in the Red River Gorge. It was a great hike and a beautiful day. And it was so new I hadn't realized the scope of the pain I was going to be going through. The next ones were hard. Really







hard. I felt so cheated. And angry. And everything the rest of you feel or felt. And I have had some Mother's Days that were just plain awful. One in particular that I remember I had just had a miscarriage, the anniversary of my mom's death had just happened, I was sad and hormonal and confused, my husband and kids (2 at the time) did NOTHING for me. And I was VERY angry. I was really tired of it all and had little hope of ever being happy again.

But I have other Mother's Days that were beautiful and peaceful. At my old farm I started a tradition of planting something in the Mother's Day garden every year. It started out as a garden of plants I got from her garden. I feel very fortunate to have these (had, actually, I need to go back and dig some of them up and transplant them here).

I can't remember who said it now, but one of you were talking about finding the perfect gifts for your mother now when you couldn't before. There was a lot of that. Not so much now, but every now and then it happens. And when it happens again I think I am going to buy it for myself; I think this must be a gift from my mom, otherwise it would not evoke such an emotion. That sounds hoaky...I know. But why not? If it makes me think of the woman I cherished most in my life, and I would have bought if for her if she were alive, then I think that it must be something I am supposed to have. Yeah, I know. I'm a nut job.









At my mom's wake my dad's sister gave me a writing about the passing of 2 children's mother. I haven't read it for years now, but oddly, it made me feel kind of good. I believe I know where it is and I am going to post it on Mother's Day. I am not a religious person, and this is a bit...but I found it to be quite comforting.

Wishing you all peace, love and healing!








Paige


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## sunanthem

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasgroovin* 
Hey, sunanthem! I keep bumping onto you.









HI!


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## papschmitty

I think Mother's Day is going to be a bust for me this year. DH has yet to ask me what I'd like for myself. The only thing he has done is volunteer us to host brunch on Saturday for his mom and sister, who is flying in as a surprise from out of state. He has yet to confirm where his sister is staying. I don't want her at my house given the emotional state I'll be in but of course, in classic DH fashion, he's just avoided the issue with her thus far. Sunday, my sister and I are going to spend the day at my dad's house. We know he's going to have a pretty hard time and he's all but asked for the company. It's a mixed bag for me. I want to be there for him but I really don't _like_ him right now. He's still having is affair with the married woman. She's broken up with him at least 3 more times since I last posted but they always get back together. I alternate between feeling really sorry for him and being really angry/disappointed that he's doing this. Hopefully, Mother's Day will be a sorry day instead of an angry one.










I was filling out paperwork for the midwife the other day and the fact that I was going to have a baby without my mom hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been crying off and on almost every day since. Thanks pregnancy hormones! My mom was with me for almost my entire labor with DD. When I delivered, the room was filled with DH, my mom, sister, and my dad. My dad even cut the cord because DH was too grossed out by it! This time, I won't have my mom and I don't really want my dad anywhere near me.







We did decide that if we have a girl, her middle name will be my sister's. DD's middle name was my mom's. It only seems fitting to have my next child honor the other most important woman in my life. Crud, I'm crying at work yet again...

Paige, I'm looking forward to reading the writing you plan to share.


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## mum4boys

I am so sorry that you are going through this papschmitty without your mom. I understand wanting to share your pregnancy with your mom. Are you and your dad still doing counseling?

I am not sure what mother's day is going to be like for us.
It has been a rough few days around here. I cried the morning of my daughter's first birthday last Friday. I miss my mom so much and she missed out on her birthday. She also missed out on the fact that my brother and dad went shopping for a baby girl and bought Maggie a dress. Something that they never done in the history of time. It still makes me giggle thinking about it. I know my mom is laughing in Heaven over it too. Just wish I could share the laugh with her.

This week has been rough. We are 99% sure Maggie has juvenile arthritis. Her blood work has come back to indicate it. She has been having a few health problems on top of her reflux. It makes me miss my mom even more. I do not have anyone to share what I am feeling etc. like I did with my mom.


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## mamasgroovin

_"The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is the way long?" she asked. And her guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed with them in the clear streams; and the sun shown on them and life was good, and the young mother cried, 'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said, 'O mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come, and the mother said, 'This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage.'

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary; but at all times she said to the children, 'A little patience and we are there.' So the children climbed and when they reached the top, they said, 'We could
not have done it without you, mother.' And the mother when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said, 'This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage, today I have given them strength.'

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth ~ clouds of war and hate and evil ~ and the children groped and stumbled and the mother said, 'Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.' And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, 'This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God!'

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months' and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong and walked with courage. And when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, 'I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.' And the children said, 'You will always walk with us, mother, even when you have gone through the gates.' And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, 'We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living Presence.'"_

Thinking of you all and wishing you love, hope, and healing.


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## mum4boys

Just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day. For me it is a bittersweet day.


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## sunanthem

Thankyou, MG! What a touching story.


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## DocsNemesis

I dunno if I qualify here since my mom is still alive....

My mom has mental health issues, she always has, and refuses to get help. Basically 2 years ago, I told her I didnt want my kids going to her house anymore, because it is unhealthy (not just messy...we're talking dead rats in her bathtub, cat feces all over, maggots in her food...yeah). She flipped out on me, which resulted in me telling her how friggin abdnormal her house is and her whole outbursts (she acts like a kid half the time, having temper tantrums, getting mad out of the blue and then forgetting she ever did, etc) and that she really needed to get help. Since then, I've gotten one phone call yelling at me and thats the extent of her contact with me and my kids.

Its sad, but I never really felt like I had a mom, mostly I connected with other friends parents and would avoid my house as much as possible. I feel bad still though, but at the same time, my own life has improved so much since she stopped having contact with me. I never realised how much she was still dragging me down







. Anyway, like I said, I dont know if I belong here but it still feels good talking about it!


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DocsNemesis* 
Anyway, like I said, I don't know if I belong here but it still feels good talking about it!

I don't know either ... but I am glad you did ... your mom sounds like she has pretty severe mental illness... has anybody every been able to get help for her? perhaps institutionalized?


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## pia

It´s been a long time since I posted, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.
Today is 2 years since my mom died and I miss her so much.
















Lighting a candle for all moms today!


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pia* 
It´s been a long time since I posted, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.
Today is 2 years since my mom died and I miss her so much.
















Lighting a candle for all moms today!

















I'll light one, too.


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## papschmitty




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## Twinklefae

I think I belong here too. I lost my mom when I was 11. (Breast Cancer) I've been struggling with this since Mother's Day, which, as someone said was bittersweet.

I think I'll lurk a bit.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twinklefae* 
I think I belong here too. I lost my mom when I was 11. (Breast Cancer) I've been struggling with this since Mother's Day, which, as someone said was bittersweet.

I think I'll lurk a bit.

Lurk away.







Talk whenever you like.


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## TexasSuz

I am almost a member of this "Club" and I do not want to be. I am caring for my mom in the last stages of cancer. It is awful. She can do less and less for herself everyday. We start hospice next week. I feel like I am going to die with her - or at least the me I have always known. I will never be the same person. It makes me so sad that I will have to live with the pain of missing her for the rest of my life. The only comfort I have is in our reunion in heaven someday.

Any ideas how to make her last months better? I feel like I should do something special. Instead we just sit and watch HGTV together and don't talk about the future. It is sad. She does not want to talk about what is happening.

Anyway, coming here helps me see that others have survived this even if it is painful. Thanks for the thread. I hope it is okay if i post once in a while. I don't want to be a painful reminder of the past for anyone so I won't invade often.

Thanks for listening...


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## mum4boys

Welcome to our sad little group.

I was in your shoes last year. My mom died of pancreatic cancer July 5th.

I am not sure if you really need to talk about what is happening as long as you know what her wishes are. I think just being with your mom is enough. I always made sure when I left my mom knew I loved her. We would talk about things going on in the world and our life not necessarily death. We watched a lot food network and we laughed. My mom did not want to die and she fought it hard. In the end she finally accepted it. It definitely has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, not only having my mom die but living without her. I still cry. I miss her so much. She was my rock. My comfort is I know she is watching over us from heaven.

BTW hospice rocks. They are a special kind of angel.


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## mamasgroovin

Yes, welcome.









Please do not hesitate to post, if we didn't want to talk about it, we wouldn't be here. If we can help you get through this just a teensy bit better, then that actually helps me and I am sure many of the others feel the same way.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, then she's just simply not ready. Maybe she never will be be. All you can do is what she wishes. I hope you have someone else to talk to...my husband was great when my mom was dying. Sadly, though it was only over the phone as I came home to be with mom. But you will need a support system and your mom probably won't want to be that person. I talked with my own mom a few times about dying, but generally when she was well enough to talk we talked about regular things...THAT made her happy. Like about the huge thunderstorm that was approaching, or my stupid aunt giving my 9 month old _frosted_ cheerios or letting him eat the dog food.







When we talked about what the future would be like without her it was hard on everyone.

Hospice does rock. I loved our nurse. She helped everyone so much. If I have one regret it is that I did not accept her help for myself. I was the strong one, or so everyone told me, so that is the role I played. That hurt me even years down the road, I suffered from severe depression, but I couldn't tell anyone because that would be disappointing. I didn't allow myself to grieve until it was too late.

I have many thoughts darting in and out of my head right now. If you want please feel free to pm me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I won't lie, my mom dying was the hardest thing to have ever happened in my life thus far. Not many days have gone by in the 15 years since her passing that I have not thought about her. But now when I think of her, I think of the good stuff, not the bad. This will be hard, but you will survive it. Pain and all.

Paige


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## TexasSuz

Thanks for the support Paige. I know that this is my biggest challenge yet. My mom is my best friend and watching her slowing slip away is soo hard. I always thought she would just have a quick heart attack and die at home. Now she is living with me and I am caring for her - I am not a good caregiver and I hate it but I do it because I love her. I never want to be a caregiver again.

On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TexasSuz* 
Thanks for the support Paige. I know that this is my biggest challenge yet. My mom is my best friend and watching her slowing slip away is soo hard. I always thought she would just have a quick heart attack and die at home. Now she is living with me and I am caring for her - I am not a good caregiver and I hate it but I do it because I love her. I never want to be a caregiver again.

On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.

My mom signed her house over to my brother and I...otherwise she wouldn't have qualified for any medical benefits. When she died there was no one "responsible" to pay off the debt. There is no way we could have afforded her all her bills. I'd speak to a lawyer if I were you b/c they can take her house to pay the debt. I know it is an awful lot to think about, but if this is your sister's home and then she would have no where to go, this needs to be discussed. Mom sold us her house for $1.

Theoretically, yes, you will be responsible. You mother does need to get her affairs in order ASAP so that will be one less burden on you. Sending some







: your way. Not an easy conversation to have.

Also...I am remembering writing a lot of letters after her passing to credit card companies, doctors, etc. letting them know that there was no money and that she had passed. Some of the companies we never heard from again...other kept sending us notices for a year or so, but in the long run we never did pay much off. Once they got a copy of the death certificate that pretty much did it. It was a huge headache. I just really hated that part and wanted all those idiots to leave me alone.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TexasSuz* 
On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.

Any assets your mother has to be applied to the bills she has.

The laws have really changed in the last 5 years or so. You cannot sell an asset below the value to avoid paying a debt. I am hoping your mom has a Will. That will make life a lot easier. Depending on the value of the house you might not even have to probate the estate.


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## papschmitty

Welcome TexasSuz. I'm so sorry for your family's suffering. I, too, was by my mom's side until the very end. It was SO hard; especially in the final days when she was no longer conscious but hadn't passed away yet. Those days felt like years. As time has passed, I am so grateful that I was there despite how hard it was. I wanted my mom to write a love letter to each of her grandchildren; they were everything to her. But the end came much quicker than any of us could have imagined so we never got the chance. That's my biggest regret. Knowing that my DD and future child never got to know their amazing grandma is even harder than me losing my mom. Please post any time, this is an amazing group of women!


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TexasSuz* 
Any ideas how to make her last months better? I feel like I should do something special. Instead we just sit and watch HGTV together and don't talk about the future. It is sad. She does not want to talk about what is happening. ..

My mom died quite suddenly and young, if I had been able to have time with her I would loved to hear some stories about her parents and childhood, and her younger life ... I really would have liked that.


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## papschmitty

I agree. I wish I would have paid closer attention to my mom's family stories. Her mom has advanced Alzheimer's and my dad is a terrible historian so a lot of those stories are now lost.


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## mamasgroovin

That is the hardest thing I think...losing the history. I wish I had asked more questions and learned more about my family before she died. My mom's sister is evil and has moved and we can't find her now. She stole my brother's and my inheritance that she promised my mom on her death bed that she would give us. I don't REALLY care about the money, but it is a lot. My grandfather was a multi-millionaire. He didn't think Mom would die before she received her portion of the inheritance. But she is greedy. And there is no one left on that side of the family, so now I can't get any info. It makes me so sad. There are so many questions I have for my aunt about my mom as a little girl. THAT is what she stole from me. And the sad thing is, she doesn't even realize it.


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## Sopho

Hello, sadly i belong to this tribe.

I haven't read all the posts yet, i'm working on it...

My mum died of Breast Cancer in April of 1998, i was 14.
It had a big impact in my life, as i was very close to her in every possible way, her prescence maked me feel good you know. We could just sit close by and do nothing but just by the fact that she was there maked me feel good.
I'm the youngest of 4 and the surprise of the family, it was a busy time for us as my dad was in the peak of his career, my mum who had just retyuned to the working field, opted to quit to raise me, just as she did with my siblings.

I grew up to be dangerously close to my mum as a toddler she couldn't escaped out of my sight becuase, oh the Drama!.
When i started kindergarten she was always helping the teachers around, becuase i insisted, i wanted to have her there with me.

It was that way all my life, she was my best friend, my everything. She was the greatest, i didn't need to say a word to her to show her my feelings.
In my teens, my friends just loved her, she was just fun.
When she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 1995, we had to spend some time in Arizona as she was going to recieve her treatment there, i had to be homeschooled as there was no way in heck i was leaving her side during those times.

She went into remission the following year, we just travelled around ice places in the US, finally she relapsed in October, she passed 6 months later, i was by her side when she died, it had to be the hardest thing to me. I felt her prescence in a very strong way during the first year, it was so strong that i could even smelled her, it was relaxing but also hurtful. And it was not only hurtful for me, but for my dad and my siblings, who felt her prescence the same.
I still feel her around me, not as strong but enough for me to call her name at times.
I think of her everyday, and of course i will never forget her.

My babies never "met her", but in dreams you wanna bet they do. I named DD1 in her honour, and you know the name fit DD and my mum









"Forever Linda"


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## mum4boys

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I am not sure how I feel sad but much more. I miss her so much. Ironically enough my baby girl is the spitting image of my mom.


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## papschmitty

I hope you survive the day alright. Our one year anniversary is next month and I'm dreading it. Hugs to everyone!


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## wendyland

It seems unimaginable that I am here posting to this tribe now. I read through the posts last night. I really needed to connect to others. My mom died yesterday afternoon. It was pretty sudden, but not entirely surprising. She talked before about dying young, but she thought she had a while. She lived hard. Lots of drinking, staying up late, not taking her blood pressure medicine, ate bad, didn't exercise, and apparently, she also did coke (although I don't know how much or how often). The combination of these things killed her at age 45. The coke set off seizures and heart attacks. I so hoped and prayed that she would get a wakeup call and turn back around.

I have had a hundred different emotions cycling through. I'm mad that she did this to herself, I'm sad that I have to raise my kids without her, I'm hurt.... Sometimes I'm even peaceful. I hope that she has peace. I hope that she knew we were with her and knows that we love her.

This is all so surreal and weird. I feel for all of you. I've read some of your stories and posts and it's been a big comfort for me.

I also posted a longer story in the grief forum.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=926874


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## KJoslyn78

Today is 1 year

i'm hating it and not doing ery well.... i was even worse last night, thinking about the hour in which i signed the forms to terminate life support (she was on a vent)..
can it please be september now?


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## mum4boys

Wendy I am so sorry for your loss.

KJoslyn78 hugs.

This morning I had a mini break down.


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## KJoslyn78

((((((Heidi))))))))

i was thinking about you Saturday - i just couldnt get on here...

((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))))

i very much so understand your pain. My mother died from a comination of everything (well, not coke, she was a hard drunk, and did pot, other drugs - i have no idea - on top of health related problems). Somedays i'm soooooooooo angry that now my children will not know her (or my father, he is also dead - so they dont get to know either of my parents - and i get mad at her for knowing that with my dad dead, they only had her, etc...) and other days i feel almost peaceful knowing that the "drama" that came with her life is no longer a part of mine/my children's lives (my oldest dd had more then once helped my moms drunk BF walk - without my knowledge).

Anyways... i am sorry you are here too


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## FallingLeaves

I'm new here. Today is my moms birthday. She would have been 63 today. She died 9 years ago. It was sudden, I found her in her bathroom. There was no autopsy (sp?), so I really don't know what happened. She was a smoker and her doctor said her heart just stopped. I miss her so much. I fussed at her the night before she died. I handled her money for her and she couldn't find one of her bills and wanted me to call to get the mailing address and I fussed at her and told her to do it herself.

My baby just woke up so I've got to get her back to sleep, but I will read through these posts so I can get to know everyone.


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## mum4boys

Sorry JL's mom about your loss. I do not think the pain will ever go away no matter how much time pass.


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## papschmitty

Hugs to all of you. I'm so grateful to be connected to people that really understand my pain. Sometime people think my grieving should be passed. It will never pass.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant now and really starting to get sad at the thought of having a baby without my mom. I started bleeding two weeks ago and it was a very stressful time. I'm still spotting on and off but so far the baby seems to be OK. It really sucks not having my mom here for me.









I'm praying for all of you.


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## mum4boys

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
Hugs to all of you. I'm so grateful to be connected to people that really understand my pain. Sometime people think my grieving should be passed. It will never pass.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant now and really starting to get sad at the thought of having a baby without my mom. I started bleeding two weeks ago and it was a very stressful time. I'm still spotting on and off but so far the baby seems to be OK. It really sucks not having my mom here for me.









I'm praying for all of you.









I am so sorry. Is everything okay now? My mom had the stroke a month after I announced I was pregnant with Maggie. She lost her speech and was paralyzed on her right side. So even though I was with my mom all the time I really was mourning the loss of her. If that makes sense. We did not get to do all the fun baby things that we had done in the pass with my other kids. Although I brought everything to the hospital and talked and talked to her about it and she understood.
Now a year later...my heart still breaks. It looks like my daughter has juvenile arthritis as well as my son. I have tons of friends and family but no mom to share this news with. My son gets remicade infusions and yesterday at the hospital the nurse went to give him his medication and I yelled Stop...they had twice the amount they should have. Of course I wanted to call my
mom.


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## mamasgroovin

I have much to say, but can't right now. I am on vacation and should not be thinking about such things at the moment. Hugs to all! I'll check in next week.


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## TexasSuz

WEll, my mom died yesterday in my home (she has been living with us this year). So I guess I am now an official member of this club - I hate it! It hurts so much right now and everything I see in this house reminds me of her. Why did she have to be such a great mom that living without her seems so bad and impossible? Having my kids helps and hurts at the same time if you know what I mean. UG! I am numb.


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## mamasgroovin

TexasSuz...








I am sorry.







I know your pain and numbness. We all do.


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## earthgirl

I'm sorry, TexasSuz. We all know what you're going through.


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## mum4boys

I am sorry TexasSuz...I think we all know the pain you are going through. I would not wish it on anyone. I hope you have happy memories of your mom.


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## KJoslyn78

:


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## Olives

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this group. I not a Mom yet but I really want to be and it kills me that my Mom won't be here with me to share it.

I'm an only child and my Mom was my very best friend my whole life. I had a MC almost 2 years ago and am so glad I got to share the news of being pg with her at least once and here her excitement and see all the plans that she made for my future children. She died when she was 47 of lung cancer at home on April 12, 2007. She was with me through all of my fertility struggles and yet here I am still trying. I really want to be a Mom but I cry just thinking about giving birth without her in the room with me. Sometimes things are just so unfair.

Hugs to all of you Mom's out there, while I hope to be a Motherless Mother someday soon... I know it isn't going to be easy. I'm glad to know there are other people out there who understand how terribly painful it is to be in our shoes in some weird way.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Olives* 
Hello everyone,

I'm new to this group. I not a Mom yet but I really want to be and it kills me that my Mom won't be here with me to share it.

I'm an only child and my Mom was my very best friend my whole life. I had a MC almost 2 years ago and am so glad I got to share the news of being pg with her at least once and here her excitement and see all the plans that she made for my future children. She died when she was 47 of lung cancer at home on April 12, 2007. She was with me through all of my fertility struggles and yet here I am still trying. I really want to be a Mom but I cry just thinking about giving birth without her in the room with me. Sometimes things are just so unfair.

Hugs to all of you Mom's out there, while I hope to be a Motherless Mother someday soon... I know it isn't going to be easy. I'm glad to know there are other people out there who understand how terribly painful it is to be in our shoes in some weird way.

Your story touched me b/c it's very similar to mine. I am also an only and was super close to my mom. It was really awful being pregnant w/out her, but it's even harder having this beautiful child and knowing that she'll never get to know what an amazing woman my mother was. This pain is made worse by the fact that my MIL is pretty emotionally devoid. She's not the doting, fun-loving, involved grandmother that my own mom would have been.

I wish you the best of luck TTC and know that you can always check in w/ us. It's not nearly so bad when you know there are other people who can relate to what you are going through.


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## mum4boys

Welcome Olives


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## erinspice

I'm one of you too! I'm 26 and married with 2 kids and my mom lost her battle with leukemia 17 years ago this past July 19th. She was 38 and I was 9. It has been especially hard since I had kids. I keep wondering what kind of grandmother she would be. I wish she had got to meet her grandchildren.


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## KJoslyn78

: welcome Erin


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## earthgirl

Does anyone else have a problem leaving your child(ren) with someone else b/c of the loss of your mom? I am really struggling with this. I'm having a hard time being objective about it. I mean, I don't know how much of it is that I don't feel the need to leave DD w/ other people (I'm a SAHM), or if it's just b/c I'm acutely aware of how every single second counts, that our time together could be cut short. I recently had a neighbor tell me it wasn't healthy for me to want to always be w/ DD. I wanted to tell her, "Well, until you spend every night praying that you have more time w/ your children than your mom had w/ hers, then we can talk!" Of course, I didn't say what I thought, but the fact that I got so defensive must mean something. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. Just thought I'd put this out here to see if anyone can relate.


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## papschmitty

I felt this way for quite a while after my mom died. I just felt desperate to cherish _every single second_. FWIW, my mom died after only a 2 month battle with cancer - not very much time to emotionally prepare. It has eased with time quite a bit. In fact, next weekend DH and I are going away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary and leaving DD with his parents (whom she loves). It's going to be hard on me but I have to remind myself that _DD_ enjoys the time. I need to honor her desire to be with other family and try to appreciate the break that it affords me. Sometimes taking those breaks is hard but I wouldn't push it just for the sake of doing what other people think is right. Would your DD enjoy time with other people? If so, maybe start small, like a lunch out or something. Do something just for you. If you don't think she's ready or you know you're absolutely not ready, don't force it. Give it time; it gets better, I promise.

Today is the 1 yr anniversary of my mom's death. I'll post more later. I'm at work right now and don't want to be a sobbing mess.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 

Today is the 1 yr anniversary of my mom's death. I'll post more later. I'm at work right now and don't want to be a sobbing mess.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
I felt this way for quite a while after my mom died. I just felt desperate to cherish _every single second_. FWIW, my mom died after only a 2 month battle with cancer - not very much time to emotionally prepare. It has eased with time quite a bit. In fact, next weekend DH and I are going away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary and leaving DD with his parents (whom she loves). It's going to be hard on me but I have to remind myself that _DD_ enjoys the time. I need to honor her desire to be with other family and try to appreciate the break that it affords me. Sometimes taking those breaks is hard but I wouldn't push it just for the sake of doing what other people think is right. Would your DD enjoy time with other people? If so, maybe start small, like a lunch out or something. Do something just for you. If you don't think she's ready or you know you're absolutely not ready, don't force it. Give it time; it gets better, I promise.

Today is the 1 yr anniversary of my mom's death. I'll post more later. I'm at work right now and don't want to be a sobbing mess.











Those anniversaries can be really hard. I just had the 12th one last month. My mom also died of cancer and it was 2 months and 1 week from diagnosis to death. I know how hard that is to process. I remember being optimistic in the beginning, but so quickly I was forced to accept that she would not get better. On the one hand, I'm glad she didn't suffer for very long, but still. It was too much, too fast.


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## papschmitty

Yesterday wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I've struggled with much less significant milestones like father's day and Easter much more.

The other night, I was thinking about all the progress I have made with my grieving over the last year. Six months ago, I can remember finding it hard to enjoy life. I so desperately missed spending Sundays just hanging out with her. I missed having her to run all of life's mundane errands. I still miss her for all those things but I've found new ways to enjoy that time. My relationship with my sister is even tighter now than before my mom got sick. I didn't even think that was humanely possible! I've also gotten a little more comfortable being alone, though it isn't nearly as fun. Things have gotten much worse with my dad but I'll save that for another post. I don't even like thinking about it.







:

In the last year, I think I have felt every emotion under the sun. Immense heartache, anger, sadness, fear, joy, peace, the list goes on and on. I'm just glad that the positive emotions are starting to greatly outweigh the negative ones. That's how she would have wanted it.

I made it through most of the day being able to think about her without crying. After, DD and I met up with my dad and my sister and her kids and went to the hospital where my mom spent her final weeks. We brought a thank you card and chocolates to the nurses there. We have always been so grateful for the amazing love and compassion they showed for her.

Smelling all those familiar hospital smells-the cleaner, the soap, the cafeteria-so vividly brought me back to my mom's final days. Those are some of the hardest memories to relive and still bring me the most grief.

My niece, who was 3 when my mom died, had a ton of questions about my mom and heaven. She was pretty upset when she realized that we wouldn't be bringing Baba (my mom) home with us and is still trying to reconcile God and heaven and death. That makes two of us!

DD and my oldest niece have both been rather difficult for the last few days. DD has been acting up a ton and is much more clingy and insecure than usual. I wonder if they are having their own one year anniversary grief somehow.

Thanks for listening. I hope everyone is hanging in there OK.


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## KJoslyn78

s:


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## FallingLeaves

I posted back on 7/8, my mom's burthday. I wanted to read all the posts so I could get to know everyone. Would you believe my brother stopped by to visit the next day 7/9 and died 5 days later on 7/14? He was only 43. I can't believe my mom and my brother are gone. I am still in shock. I can't believe I lost both of them suddenly. Hopefully soon I can read all the posts so I can get to know everyone.


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## mamasgroovin

for everyone. Rough night for me tonight, too. Can't think about it now, though. I really need to try to get some sleep tonight.








: to all.


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## KJoslyn78

I am so very sorry for your losses JL's mom... that would be an intense shock to have lost your brother, on top of losing your mom.


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## papschmitty

JL'smom, I can't even imagine...I'm so sorry for your losses!


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## mum4boys

earthgirl said:


> Does anyone else have a problem leaving your child(ren) with someone else b/c of the loss of your mom?
> 
> 
> 
> I went through this too.
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *papschmitty*
> Yesterday wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I've struggled with much less significant milestones like father's day and Easter much more.
> 
> I was thinking of you...it does not get any easier does it? the pain is just different.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago we had to take my 17 year old to the same hospital my mom was in. The dr. in the emergency room thought he felt something in my son's swollen testicle. My son was taken to the same ultrasound room my mom was in when we found out she had cancer. I was a basket case. I was outside the door with our daughter and my husband was with our son. The ultrasound technician could see we were all visible shaken more so then we should have been so she asked my husband and he told her about the room and how my mom had died etc. Bless the technician heart she told us the results of the ultrasound right then and there. Oldest herniated a disc in back a significant injury but not a death sentence. And the swollen testicle was a communicative hydroseal.
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *JL'smom*
> I posted back on 7/8, my mom's burthday. I wanted to read all the posts so I could get to know everyone. Would you believe my brother stopped by to visit the next day 7/9 and died 5 days later on 7/14? He was only 43. I can't believe my mom and my brother are gone. I am still in shock. I can't believe I lost both of them suddenly. Hopefully soon I can read all the posts so I can get to know everyone.
> 
> I am so sorry.
Click to expand...


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## mamasgroovin

My best friend's mother was just diagnosed with incurable brain cancer. I am now on the side of giving support and not receiving. It is all so weird. I do not want to be all high and mighty, but on the other hand I want her to get what she needs before it is too late. A strange place to be.

And of course it reminds me of Mom.


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## Sonya77

I've read this tribe off and on since I've joined here, and I've yet to see any mention of mamas without mamas - but not because of death...

Is there a tribe for mamas like me? My mom is not in my life by her choice...and it's tough sometimes raising a girl with my history.

Just looking for a little commiseration I guess...hope I didn't tread on any toes. If there is another tribe someone could recommend, please do.

Thanks,
Sonya


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
It was really awful being pregnant w/out her, but it's even harder having this beautiful child and knowing that she'll never get to know what an amazing woman my mother was. This pain is made worse by the fact that my MIL is pretty emotionally devoid. She's not the doting, fun-loving, involved grandmother that my own mom would have been.

I am in a similar situation -- my MIL, on the other coast, hasn't so much as sent a birthday card to ds since he was a baby. No gifts, except when we went there she let him have some of her old crap that she collected over the years. Here it is, 5 1/2 years after ds was born and 12 years after my mom died, and I still feel a deep sadness that she is not in my life.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I am in a similar situation -- my MIL, on the other coast, hasn't so much as sent a birthday card to ds since he was a baby. No gifts, except when we went there she let him have some of her old crap that she collected over the years. Here it is, 5 1/2 years after ds was born and 12 years after my mom died, and I still feel a deep sadness that she is not in my life.











It's beyond hard, isn't it? I'm really trying to accept this. My hope is that DD will grow to think the lack of connection is just b/c of the distance. We're in Boston, ILs are in Dallas. I'll be heartbroken if DD somehow ends up feeling responsible for the emotional gaps. The really bad part is that there are multiple pics of our nephews in my ILs home, but none of DD. The last time we visited my MIL showed me a tote bag that SIL had sent w/ a pic of our nephews on it. MIL told me she takes it everywhere so "now everyone can see my grandchildren."


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## Pookietooth

My DH doesn't think it's a big deal -- he minimizes most of my concerns in general, and tells me that I should stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I have. Easy for him to say, he's got a mom. Not that he's at all close to her or anything.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
My DH doesn't think it's a big deal -- he minimizes most of my concerns in general, and tells me that I should stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I have. Easy for him to say, he's got a mom. Not that he's at all close to her or anything.

It is a big deal...but he's right. You SHOULD focus on what you have...YOUR family. I have spent YEARS resenting that my children do not have my mom as a grandmother...of all the grandparents she would have been the most involved and most loving. My dad is cold and pretty much hates kids. So even though geographically he is close, he is not grandparently at all. And dh's mother has never really done much with the kids at all b/c she is very old and has had health issues. Dh's grandfather passed away before I met him. The only thing that will drive a wedge between your children and you ILs is you. Even if you don't say anything negative about the lack of involvement from the ILs, kids will still pick up on your negative energy. I speak this from experience and my heart. Sometimes you just need to take one for the team. What your heart is probably longing for is _your_ mother with _your_ children, not you children with the IL's. So no matter what they do, there will always be resentment there. In one way, you might even be better off that they ARE so far away b/c they could never live up to your expectation anyways, YK? Now a lot of this is my experience which could be WAY off what you are experiencing...just a thought. And I am not trying to tell you to just forget about it, either. Just that if you provide a loving home for you kids, they will do well. Not a day goes by that I didn't wish my kids knew Mom and what an amazing grandmother she would have been. No one else can take that place.


----------



## papschmitty

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasgroovin* 
It is a big deal...but he's right. You SHOULD focus on what you have...YOUR family. I have spent YEARS resenting that my children do not have my mom as a grandmother...of all the grandparents she would have been the most involved and most loving. My dad is cold and pretty much hates kids. So even though geographically he is close, he is not grandparently at all. And dh's mother has never really done much with the kids at all b/c she is very old and has had health issues. Dh's grandfather passed away before I met him. The only thing that will drive a wedge between your children and you ILs is you. Even if you don't say anything negative about the lack of involvement from the ILs, kids will still pick up on your negative energy. I speak this from experience and my heart. Sometimes you just need to take one for the team. What your heart is probably longing for is _your_ mother with _your_ children, not you children with the IL's. So no matter what they do, there will always be resentment there. In one way, you might even be better off that they ARE so far away b/c they could never live up to your expectation anyways, YK? Now a lot of this is my experience which could be WAY off what you are experiencing...just a thought. And I am not trying to tell you to just forget about it, either. Just that if you provide a loving home for you kids, they will do well. Not a day goes by that I didn't wish my kids knew Mom and what an amazing grandmother she would have been. No one else can take that place.









My mom was the most amazing grandma a kid could ever ask for. DH's mom and step-mom are good, but nothing compared to my mom. After my mom died, I think more of my grief was for my children than myself. My dad was a great grandpa too but he's gone off the deep end since my mom died and is barely around. His idea of being a grandpa now is slipping DD a piece of candy, giving her a quick tickle, and then going about his business.







We used to spend at least 3 days a week with my parents before my mom died. My dad hasn't come to my house is over a month. In a lot of ways I hate my dad right now but I don't want DD to lose him too so I just try to make the best of what our relationship is now. I guess it's a good thing I have kids because I don't think I'd be speaking to him otherwise. The IL grandmas have tried really hard to fill some of the void. While DD is closer with them now than she used to be, it's still not my mom. Again, I'm trying to appreciate what I do have. It's definitely not easy though.


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## jwoodbri

I'm new here to MDC and just found this thread. I lost my mom to cancer nine years ago when I was 21. She missed me graduating from college, getting my master's, becoming a teacher, getting married, having my two boys and so much of the little daily stuff in between. I felt like I lost my family when she died. (My parents were divorced and my older brother I am not close to.)

My MIL died of cancer not quite four months ago. She did at least get to meet both of our boys but DS#2 won't remember her and we are really hoping that DS#1 will as he loved her very much.

Now our boys are down two grandmothers. And we are out both of our mothers. It just doesn't seem fair.







But the boys keep us going and I hope that we can share with them memories of their grandmothers. I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

Anyway I'll have to come back to this thread when I have a bit more time to read. It seems like a supportive place.


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jwoodbri* 
I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

Wow...so true. There are so many little things that you forget. Oh, and welcome to the tribe.









It's funny that you mentioned that. 2 weekends ago I finally went through the trunk that had my mom's stuff in it, like her art work, letters, favorite t-shirt, things like that. I've looked though it before, but never in depth. So we were cleaning out the basement and I found something that the movers had taken out of the trunk (because it was glass) and I needed to put it back in. The trunk was a mess and I was thinking I should straighten it out before it was too late and some of the newspapers and her childhood artwork were ruined.

I found a card she had given her dp and it was simply signed with her butterfly. She had this cartoon-y looking butterfly that she ALWAYS doodled and when she divorced my dad she had it tattooed on to her







. For YEARS now I have been trying to remember what that thing looked liked, I was so sad thinking it was just another lost memory.









But I have it now!!







: And I have even made a batik t-shirt with it. I'll try to post up a pic of it.







:


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## mamasgroovin

Here's the t-shirt I made with my mom's butterfly.


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## papschmitty

jwoodbri, welcome to our tribe. I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

mamasgroovin, I love the T-shirt. What a cool idea!

We saved a trunk of my mom's stuff that was just too painful to even look through. At her memorial service, we asked people to bring a written story about my mom: a silly story, how she touched their lives, etc. I have yet to read any of them but am hoping I can muster up the courage to do it soon. My mom was such an amazing person; she touched so many lives in such a special way.


----------



## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jwoodbri* 
I find it harder each day to remember my mom. I wish that I had written more down after she died. I of course remember lots of things but it's more the what was her favorite ice cream? book? It's just sad to feel the memories slipping away.

I know what you mean. I didn't keep any of my mom's writings (she was an amateur writer) which I now regret.


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## LadyAlathia

Hey everyone.

This is my first post on MDC. Yay for me!

I've read most of the posts in this thread, and it seems that most if not all of you had beloved mothers that you've lost... but I was wondering if there was room in this tribe for someone whose mother is still alive, but was quite frankly never much of a mother at all, and due to circumstances will never be allowed in her daughter's (or grandson's) life again.

The story goes thus:

My mother never wanted children. She was 24 but hardly grown herself when she fell PG with me (still living with her mom... had no job...). My father, trying to be a good Catholic, married her and tried to make us a family. After 9 years and three kids, my mom left my father, taking away the one thing that he cared about the most - his kids. I haven't seen him since - my mother didn't allow contact.

My mom, and later my stepfather, were emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. From a VERY young age (we're talking six or seven years old here) I had to care for my siblings, entertain them, put band-aids on their boo-boos, fix breakfast and lunch for them and myself, even babysit when my mother decided she had somewhere she needed to go. When I was older (uh, ten?) it became my responsibility to manage the household cleaning, laundry, and dinner, as well as take care of my always-angry stepfather, who was disabled and on morphine and xanax. Yeah. He was fun to be around. Not. These responsibilities came BEFORE my schoolwork. I still made honour roll every year. They didn't care. They didn't even want to attend my high school graduation. It took a personal phone call from a (personal favourite) teacher to convince them to go.

It's amazing how a set of "parents" can make you believe nothing you do matters, that you've never accomplished anything and you are completely incapable of survival on your own. I finally got the courage to move out at 20 years old (it suddenly dawned on me that I was the only person in the house with a full time job, and I was STILL doing all the domestic tasks). They actually told me "There's no way you'll be able to afford to live by yourself." Three DAYS after I moved out, they called me asking to borrow money. I've never felt so empowered in my life.

I met my husband, we married, and just this past October I picked my little sister up and took her out for her 16th birthday. We had a good time, and we were nearly back to her house when my mother TEXTED her, demanding she pass on orders that I was to stop and buy her (my mother) a candy bar or something stupid like that on the way back to the house. We were no where NEAR a store, we wouldn't be passing another one before we got back to the house, and the woman didn't even ask nicely... so I said no. Mom's response to Mary was "You just remember that for next time". Oh no, you did NOT just threaten my baby sister over a candy bar. (this whole living independently thing gives you guts, srsly. ^_^) I confronted her about it when we got to the house... told her I thought it was pathetic to hold something like that over a 15 year old girl's head and a 45 year old woman should be fully capable of buying her own [email protected] candy bar, thank you very much. That started a huge argument that ended with my mom holding me against a wall and beating me repeatedly in the face.

My stepfather (who had recently been sucking up to me, since he and mom were having marital problems) told me it was my own fault, and I shouldn't have reported her because what would people say about the girl who had her own mother sent to jail, and he bailed her out.

There were still scratches on my arms when the restraining order was processed.

I still had tender spots on my face (though you couldn't see the bruises anymore) when I found out I was pregnant with my son.

My sister is not allowed to have contact with me any more because of them... though we manage to sneak text messages once in a while, and email through Myspace from time to time. I haven't seen her in almost a year.

My mother is NEVER allowed to see my son. Period. He has no grandmother, no stepgrandfather, and no uncle (that's another story entirely). Unfortunately, he also has no grandpa, since all of my efforts to find my dad have turned up blank. Twelve years is a LONG time to be separated.

It's been really hard, going through a pregnancy without any support. There were a LOT of nights I cried myself to sleep, apologizing to the baby inside me for not bringing him into a big, loving family... that all he would have is Daddy and me to care for him. Then I would promise him that the bad people would never come close to him, and he would never have the childhood I had. Mommy and Daddy would always love him, and (equally importantly) always love each other.

Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

*sorry for the novel. If you made it through that, you're a braver person than I*


----------



## trinity6232000

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LadyAlathia* 

Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.


My story really does not compare to yours, but I wanted to share something with you.

My Mom was a brilliant and lovely woman. I truly owe who I am in and out to her. She also was plagued by serious depression issues that she #1 never would admit to, and #2 never received any help for. The majority of my memories of my Mom are of her laying on the couch.

I spent a lot of time alone as a child, and in many ways I was plainly forgotten about. My Mom seemed to like me more as an adult, and that I'm blessed with, but those years as a child are still very painful to think about.

Then I had my beautiful daughter. I know all children are special, but this little one has healed so much hurt in me, just from her sheer presence in my life.

There have been times in her life where I'm caught in a Mommy moment. Reading a book, cuddling, running around in the yard, and it's like time stands still for a second. It's this moment of real sadness, and pure joy all wrapped into one. It's really hard for me to describe. But in this moment I'm sad for the child still in me, who never had these moments with a loving parent. Yet I'm so happy seeing the joy it brings my daughter. Over the past 8 years these moments have actually healed a large part of resentment I was holding onto regarding my childhood. It's almost like I'm mothering myself. Making these memories with my daughter, is filling that empty spot in my heart that wished for those memories of my own.

You can make these memories with your child. May they be magical and heal your heart as well.


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## trinity6232000

I came tonight to say hello, but needed to first respond in my previous post.

The two year anniversary of my Mom's passing is coming up soon (September 10th) and my Dad is getting remarried this coming October. This week I'm moving out of the house I shared with my Dad while I helped him care for my Mom, and although I'm happy for him, I am very sad over all the changes in my world.

It seems like I don't really have a family anymore. I do like my Dad's soon to be wife, but my Dad has changed. He is far more self centered than he once was. I'm not included in anything in his life.

I gave up a lot when I moved back home to help him. I never wanted a pay back, I never even wanted a thank you. I knew I was being helpful, and I couldn't allow my Dad to go threw it alone. I also cherish all the memories I got to create with my Mom in her day to day life, even if she was sick. Plus those memories my daughter got to create with my Mom.

But since he started to date N, I feel like I'm always in the way. The way I'm treated sometimes is as if I moved in with my Dad cause I didn't have anywhere to go or that he never needed my help. I thought at first I was being paranoid, then others picked up on it to.

I had a really productive talk with my Dad today. I hope he heard me, I think he did, but I feel like we've been having the same talk for sometime now. He and his new gal seem to think that I don't except her, that I'm bitter, and I don't want them together. I told him I don't feel that way, that I hold no resentment toward her, but I feel like I've been lied to by my Dad, and I feel actively left out.

He agreed, even if that wasn't his intentions. As I talked he couldn't look at me. He tried to explain it away, and I told him I understood he wasn't excluding his child on purpose, but that he was excluding his children from his life.

I am excited to start this new life for myself and my daughter. Her whole life we've lived here, so a lot of my day to day has been shaped by first taking care of my Mom, and then my Dad. I'm still sad. I miss my Mom a lot. I feel lost.

I guess I'm mourning the life I thought I would have. One where my Mom stayed healthy, and where somebody wasn't taking her place. One where my childhood home wasn't being sold. One where I had a place to go for holidays.

I'm really trying to stay positive, but with the anniversary coming up I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.


----------



## KJoslyn78

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LadyAlathia* 
Sometimes, I have to admit... I really wish I had a mommy of my own. Just once... just to know what it feels like to be loved by a mommy.

*sorry for the novel. If you made it through that, you're a braver person than I*

No need to apologize, really.







: My mother was a real... "winner" herself, though not so much as badly as your mother. I am grateful and lucky i had a father who fought tooth and nail for 3 years in court to win custody of my brothers and I. So, i do understand some. My mom got a tad better after i had kids, my dad died... but she still drank herself to death last year. Her alcohol was always, ALWAYS, more important then my brothers and I. And liek you, i was the one baby sitting (at like age 8), cooking, cleaning, when we were not shuffled between baby sitters. I wish my mom would have cleaned up her act so she could have still been here today







i always wanted the mother-daughter relationship i always hear/read about too. But i digress and am rambling... mostly i wanted to say i understand where you are coming from







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trinity6232000* 
I'm really trying to stay positive, but with the anniversary coming up I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.









: sorry you are feeling left out by your dad.. i hope he really heard what you said and he trys to start including you more. Have you talked to his soon-to-be wife at all as well? Or maybe both of them together?

I hope that the anniversary passes swifty and without incident for you







:


----------



## TexasSuz

I really have been missing my mom this weekend. She has only been gone since the end of July. Dh had military drill this weekend and before she had to move in with us my mom would always come and stay with me when Dh had drill. I loved our weekends together. We went shopping with the kids, went out to dinner, watched her favorite HGTV shows, etc. I loved being around her. I loved her friendship. I miss her so much and feel the hugeness of what I have lost. Life is just not as sweet without her to share it with. I am so lonely without her...

Thanks for letting me vent...


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## papschmitty

*LadyAlathia*, I'm so sorry for your trials. I can't imagine growing up like that. I'm glad you're able to stay connected to your sister even if it's limited.

*TexasSuz*, I hope you were able to survive the weekend OK. I used to spend every Sunday with my mom and it took me at least 6 months to even _being_ to enjoy spending a Sunday without her. My DH is gone almost every Sunday so it was a huge void not having my mom around.

*trinity6232000*, I know how you feel - except I truly hate the woman my dad has chosen to be with. My dad is such a different person now. VERY self-centered. It's like he forgot who he was when my mom died. He's still seeing this woman despite the fact that 1.) she's married and has a young child and 2.) she treats him like garbage. She has broken up with him at least 6 times in the last 10 months which devastates him every time. He is spending all sorts of money that he doesn't have trying to impress this evil, disgusting woman. I used to spend at least 3 days a week with my parents and now I'm lucky if I spend one evening a month with my dad. I shouldn't be too upset though, I don't even really like being around him anymore. He's being a terrible father, a terrible grandfather, and not a very good person in general considering that he's trying to break up someone else's family for his own personal gain. He's such a mess; he's destroying his life and eventually it's going to leave me and my sister picking up the pieces. My mom would be horrified if she could see him now. I'm so sad for the life I used to have.

I'm pg w/#2 and the thought of doing it without my mom just kills me. My sister has been hugely supportive but she has her own family to worry about. When I had DD, my entire family was there (mom, dad, sister, and DH). When i told my dad I was planning a homebirth this time, he asked if he could be there and I told him no. It's amazing how much things can change in the blink of an eye.


----------



## Olives

Hugs to all of you out there, so much of what has been said from many of the the posts here are like words coming from my own heart.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trinity6232000* 
It seems like I don't really have a family anymore.


Quote:

I guess I'm mourning the life I thought I would have.

Quote:

I just really miss my Mom, and the life we led with her in it.

Trinity, I feel very much the same way a lot of the time. It is so hard for me to reconcile this life that I have when it looks nothing like what I thought it would be. It's as if I took a very wrong turn and there is no way to ever go back. I feel this void that will never go away.


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## the_juniper_tree

Hello.

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Thanksgiving last year...... I miss her so much.

If you have time then please watch her memorial video.





I am sorry for all of your losses.


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## Pookietooth

LadyAlathia, that sounds horrible. I am so sorry for what your mom did to you, and continues to do to your sister. You are most definitely welcome here. There are lots of ways to lose a mom -- sounds like you never even had one, which is the biggest loss of all.







to you. As far as your sister, have you reported your mom's treatment of her? Do you think you could get custody of her? I have heard of people doing that in cases like yours. Or maybe she can escape on her own? Will she be 18 soon?


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## welsh

I just wanted to say that I've shed a few tears reading all of your posts! My Mum died on 7/18/07 and just over a year later I had DS, my first. My heart aches everyday for the Grandma he'll never know and the Mum and Best Friend I lost, the center of our family. As she slipped away I said, "If I can be half the Mother you were...."
My Dad is so lonely without her and drinks way too much. He is a good man and great Dad/Grandad in many ways but can be difficult. I live overseas and my Sister is back home, near Dad. I know she feels alot of responsibility towards including him in weekend activities etc and I feel guilty about that. Her DD was 9 months old when my Mum died and I think my Sis put a block on her own grief to care for her baby. She can be brittle at times and I feel bad for her that she couldn't wallow like I did.
Anyway...here I am!


----------



## papschmitty

So my relationship with my dad has hit an all time low and it's killing me inside. He's still having an affair with the married woman. He rarely spends time with me, my sister, or our families. He didn't even want to spend his birthday with us until his girlfriend cancelled on him at the last minute. I'd like to think that I'm coming to terms with the fact that my relationship with him will never be what it was. It's hard but I'm trying.

I work full time as a nurse but work an additional day at his office managing the finances. I make less half what I do as a nurse but I've done this work for the past 8 years as a favor to him and because I loved working with my family. My sister is the office manager.

When our relationship starting going south, my sister and I convinced him to go to counseling. He had no interest in stopping his affair but we set some ground rules that we could all live with. Mainly, he's to keep his relationship with her separate from his relationship with us (no texting around us, no talking about her, etc at home and at work). To his credit, he stuck with this for a while.

My sister and I have several major objections to this woman. First of all she's married with a 5 year old son, so that alone makes this relationship immoral and wrong beyond words. Second of all, my dad had an affair with this woman when I was young. It nearly tore my family apart but we moved on to have many amazing, wonderful years together. Third, from my outsider's perspective, she's emtionally abusive to my dad. Fourth, she started persuing my dad the minute she found out my died which I view as predatory. Yes my dad is a grown an with free will but a man who lost his wife of 35 years is in no position to be started a new relationship. Shame on her for preying on his vulnerability. Fourth, this woman is evil and a horrible person anyway and NEVER someone I would want to be around. I will NEVER allow her anywhere near my children.

About 2 months ago, my dad went to a continuing education conference for work and notified me at the last minute that he would be staying in a hotel so he wouldn't have to drive the 45 minute commute each way. First of all, he gave me no notice so I didn't budget the office to pay for it. Second of all, I got stuck staying at his house dog sitting while my husband who just had surgery had to stay at home and take care of our DD. I got the bill for his 3 night stay about 3 wks later and it was amost $2,000! I looked at the meal receipts and he very clearly had his girlfriend there with him and the office paid for all their meals and drinks. I was beyond livid. He lied to me, broke our ground rules, took advantage of me, and spent money the office didn't have to play house with this disgusting woman. (We took a huge hit financially while my mom was dying because my dad was away from the office so much).

He recently informed me that he IS going to a continuing education seminar in Hawaii in January depsite the fact that the office can't afford it. We got in a fight when I told him there was no money to pay for it. He stormed out but apologized later saying "we could try to work something out". Mind you, this conference is right around the time that I'm due to have a baby. He'd rather play tropical playboy than support his daughter birthing his LAST grandchild. Last week, he brought it up again. He basically said that if there wasn't money to pay for the trip that meant that there was something wrong with the office finances. Except for catching up after my mom's death, we're in the best financial shape we've ever been in. I do a very good job with the finances. The argument got ugly pretty quickly and we parted ways without resolving it. I haven't spoken to him since other than being professional at work on Friday in front of patients.

I am so angry that he thinks the office can bankroll his affair with a married woman. First of all, we can't afford it. Even if we could, it's a stupid way to be spending money. He doesn't even need the continuing education credits! He admitted to my sister that "if she's going it's none of our business" which means she's going. So much for keeping their relationship separate from the office. I looked at his personal bank account (I helped him get his finances in order after my mom died) and he recently cashed out some of my mom's retirement because his personal finances are so bad. He's trying so hard to pretend that he's rich to impress this woman. It makes me so angry and breaks my heart all at the same time.

I was so angry last week that I had decided his personal relationship with me and my family was over until his relationship with this woman ends and he (hopefully) comes to his senses someday. I felt some obligation to keep him in my life for the sake of DD but his relationship with her is a joke. I've settled down a little but still am so torn about what to do. I've decided I'm not going to quit working at his office. My dad is a great doctor but a terrible business owner. His office would fall apart without me and my sister. If I quit, it will all fall on my sister's shoulders and she has enough on her plate as it is. Once the baby comes, I will be doing my work after hours anyway so I wouldn't have to see him nearly as often. Though I would get stuck dealing with him trying to use the office to play rich doctor.

He stopped by my sister's house last night and got choked up when I came up so he is bothered by the fact that we're not speaking. They couldn't really talk about things though as my niece was there. I'll probably go over to his house Thursday night (when DH can watch DD) to hash things out. I just don't know what to do. All this drama and watching him self destruct is killing me. It's bringing such negativity into my life and I just can't handle it. If he weren't my dad, I would have cut him out of my life a long time ago. This affair has been going on a year now. Sometimes I feel like I need to cut him out of our lives - he's so selfish and not even the same person anymore. Then the thought of life without my mom _and_ my dad pains me beyond words. I promised my mom over and over again on her death bed that I would take care of the family. I'm not doing a very good job.









I really hope that my mom is in a place where she doesn't even know this is happening. It would break her heart. Our family meant everything to her.

Sorry for the novel, I needed to vent.


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## papschmitty

*welsh*, you must have posted while I was writing my previous post. I'm so sorry for your loss.







Welcome to our tribe.


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## welsh

I can only offer a







to you Papschmitty....your situation with 'that woman' and your Dad sounds just awful...she sounds like a piece of work.








My Dad is getting round to the idea of meeting someone new but claims that he wants a platonic friendship. I think this'll be hard to find. He is so used to female company (2 daughters and Wife, no Sons) and misses that.
His drinking is really affecting his relationship with my Sister though and I feel bad for her. We've both tried talking to him - me diplomatically, her more confrontationally and have realised he's not going to change.
My Mum kept him in line so to speak...she'd be so mad at his behaviour regarding drink but would probably defend him too which is kind of what I do.
Anyway, I'm rambling....


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## KJoslyn78

:

i just need one of those lately

thinking of you all







s


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## mamasgroovin

Nice
















:
Sorry I've not been too active lately, welcome new posters.


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## Pookietooth

to all Thanks K and mamasgroovin. Not too active here, either. I have been regularly having dreams with my mom in them, in most of them lately she's alive and well, not even close to being ill like she was towards the end. Which is nice, although kind of sad to wake up and realize it was only a dream.


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## trinity6232000

It's been awhile since I've posted here in the MWM thread. My dd and I moved out of my parents home, it's being sold. We found a nice place to live. We're happy here.

Today my Dad is getting married, and it's weird, but okay. I'm strangely numb about the whole event. His new wife is not my biggest fan and my relationship with my Dad has changed so much since they got together. I imagine it will change even more after today.

I don't have much more to say about that. I just I didn't have anywhere else to share those feelings, so I came here.


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## KJoslyn78

((((((((((((((((((((((((Janna))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))


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## trinity6232000

Thanks so much for the hugs.









The wedding went well. I had more emotions (a few silent tears) during the wedding than I thought I would, but held it together very well.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for my Dad. He found a woman who really cares about him. I just wish she didn't dislike me so much. It's all going to be fine, I just need to get used to it all.


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## papschmitty

Janna


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## Pookietooth

(((hugs))) Janna. Sounds rough.


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## Glittery

*love for all of you*

Wanted to introduce myself...

I'm not a momma yet, just 23 weeks into my pregnancy. However, I lost MY momma at age 11 and the Dad to some woman shortly after. I notice the older I get, the more I miss my mom and need her around!


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## Pookietooth

Glittery, I am so sorry about your losses. And I agree that getting older in many ways makes me want my mom more, especially having kids. I am a bit jealous of people who still have their parents, and sometimes it gets in the way of our friendship. I can't sympathise when they complain that their parents give their kids too many gifts, for example.


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I can't sympathise when they complain that their parents give their kids too many gifts, for example.

Seriously .. I know what you mean. Even when they complain about difficult things too... like mom being too overbearing or nosy or stepping on their toes ... or whatever ... I mean I would love to be dealing with those issues


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
Seriously .. I know what you mean. Even when they complain about difficult things too... like mom being too overbearing or nosy or stepping on their toes ... or whatever ... I mean I would love to be dealing with those issues









Yeah, I sort of want to say "talk to the hand" or something. I mean, do they really think that their complaining about their parents doesn't bother me? Kind of like when people complain about how they get pregnant too easily when they know that I have had so many struggles.


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
Yeah, I sort of want to say "talk to the hand" or something. I mean, do they really think that their complaining about their parents doesn't bother me? Kind of like when people complain about how they get pregnant too easily when they know that I have had so many struggles.

I know, even on this board in some of the parenting threads people complain about things with their parents - especially now around the holidays ... i have trouble holding my tongue sometimes


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## papschmitty

Welcome Glittery. I'm sorry for your losses.

I'm also pg and due in January. Last Christmas was my first Christmas without my mom but it seems even harder this year. I'm guessing it's because I'm about to have a baby without her.









It's hard to hear people complain about their parents. I'm just as guilty though. My dad has gone off the deep end since my mom died so I'm complaining about him to my sister and DH all the time. I'm trying to salvage some tiny thread of our relationship but it's so hard. He's making all sorts of horrible decisions and has decided to sacrifice all that used to be near and dear to him for a very disgusting new woman. Believe me, I have TONS of complaints. I forget, sometimes, that I could lose what I have left with him as quickly as I lost my mom. I don't think it would be as hard but it would definitely still stuck.

I try to be patient with people who complain about their parents. We're all in different places and have very different connections to our families. It is really hard sometimes though!


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## Cherie2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 
I try to be patient with people who complain about their parents. We're all in different places and have very different connections to our families. It is really hard sometimes though!









Good reminder







thanks

i found a story i wrote about my mom shortly after she died this morning in my purse - i posted it here in the grief section - wow what an experience - i am glad i wrote it down, i forgot a lot about what all happened

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=794703


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## mamasgroovin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papschmitty* 

I try to be patient with people who complain about their parents. We're all in different places and have very different connections to our families. It is really hard sometimes though!









Thanks for saying this papschmitty...I wanted to say the same thing.







One thing I really don't want is for people to walk on eggshells around me. Losing my mother was the most horrible thing to happen in my life, but I do remember a time when she annoyed the crap out of me! There were times where I really wanted (and perhaps needed?) to bitch about her. Now I realize that it was all very petty, but at the time it was just part of our existence. A lot of people don't know we have lost our mothers or can not even fathom how it would impact their lives. People are not being malicious or insensitive when they make such comments, just living in that moment.

I am going into this holiday season with great cheer this year. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday...she really got into it.







She _is_ a beautiful soul, and I am grateful that I have Christmas to think about her. At least I feel this way now, so that is what I am going with. I know the one thing my mom always strove for was my happiness. So I am going to start there.

Peace and love to you all!
~Paige


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## mamasgroovin

Also I wanted to add that you cannot make yourself be happy if you are not ready for that, I didn't want anyone to think I am saying be happy or else! That is sooooooooo not where I am going.

Own and recognize your anger and sadness. It is the first step to healing.







:


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## Pookietooth

I guess that's true, I don't want people to walk on eggshells, but still, it seems to me that they would at least ask how it is for me? Nobody ever says, "is it hard for you to hear this?" or even ask at all how it is to not have parents. Maybe it's the taboo around death or something. People stopped a long time ago asking if the holidays were hard without my parents. They just assume you move on after a few months or so...


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## mamasgroovin

I totally get that. It is taboo. I think people in general try to stay away from emotional wrecking situations, therefore they don't ask. And I can't really blame them you never know how one is going to react. I remember once when I moved back to the small town where my mom lived I ran into a friend's mother and she asked me how my mom was. This was a REALLY small town...everyone knows everything. Well, I was pretty shocked and looked coldly at her and simply said, "Dead."

And then there were times I wanted people to say, how are you without your mom this year? And when people did ask me how I was doing I'd feel like saying, "Duh...I'm a wreck. My mom is dead, do you even need to ask?" Of course I would respond politely, most of the time.

I was never happy because I didn't want to be happy. Or maybe I just wasn't ready. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Healing takes a long time.

So on a side note, I was putting my daughter to bed last night and she is kind of like a connection for me to my mom even though they have never met (she's almost 4







: and mom died 15 years ago) and I often get emotional after visiting this tribe. So I gave Carrie an squeeze but she was already fast asleep. She did move a bit so I quietly whisper with a chuckle, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cramp your style." And she sat up in a TOTALLY daze and said, "It's OK, mama," and was out like a light again. Weird!!!


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## MominTN

I'm so glad you have this group... I just read a bunch of your posts and am so sad for all of you, particularly those with recent losses. I lost my mom about 3-1/2 years ago when I was 32 and she was only 48. She had a quick battle with an aggressive cancer and died only 5-1/2 weeks after diagnosis. I have felt pretty good about how I've coped over time, feeling like I have been able to continue some kind of connection with her that has been very reassuring. But now that I am pregnant for the first time, it is very hard to think about how she will miss everything, how I can't talk to her about all the related issues. My younger sister has two children, who were about 4 and 1 when our mom died, so she had a very close "mother-to-mother" relationship with my mom. Now I am beginning to understand all the value of that relationship and am mourning the absence of that relationship. Fortunately, I have a terrific mother-in-law, but it will never be the same.

Wishing you all healing and peace.

Crystal


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## papschmitty

Welcome MominTN. I'm so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your pg! I'm pg too, due in January and not having my mom around has been really hard on me. I had to warn the midwife and doula that I might be a blubbering, sobbing mess during and after my labor and delivery. I'm glad you have a great MIL, but believe me, I understand that it's just not the same.


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## prairiebird

I thought I would introduce myself into this thread even though I'll probably lurk for a while so I can go back and read it all. I am 32 and a mother of 5m and I lost my mother to breast cancer the day after I turned 14. She'd been sick for 5 or 6 years by then trying to fight it.

I'm finding as I grow older and as I've had my children, I keep going through these periods where I miss her like crazy. I keep thinking I'm weird to have these bouts of fresh grief so many years later, but I guess it's more common than I thought.

So hugs to everyone, and I'll be around reading things here to see what sorts of things have been discussed.


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## papschmitty

Thanks for joining us prairiebird. I'm so sorry for your loss.









Last week, my mom's mom passed away. She's had Alzheimer's for almost 10 years now so it wasn't particularly unexpected but losing her so soon after losing my own mom has been rough. My grandma was an amazing woman, just like my mom. I just happened to be visiting her the day before she died. She was in a long term care facility a few hours away so I never get there as often as I like. She had taken a turn for the worst but seemed to be doing better the day I saw her. She died the following day.







I know she and my mom are having a grand old time in heaven together, but it's so hard losing some of the most influential women of my lifetime. The memorial service is next Monday. My grandpa wants all the family to have some time together in the days leading up to it (we're a huge family and really close) so DH, DD, and I are headed over there this Saturday. This will be the first time that _everyone_ has been together since my mom died. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again but I know it's going to be really, really hard. To complicate things, I'll be 37 weeks pregnant then and I hear it's supposed to snow! I'm praying that I don't go into labor early while I'm out of town. I wouldn't miss this for the world though...


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## Theoretica

My mom died when I was 12 from non hodgkins lymphoma. It was brutal to watch her die and I still can't even type that without crying. My 31st bday was last week. I miss her so much still. I can't believe how much it still hurts, and how hard I work to not think about it. I would give anything for her to see my babies, to meet my husband, to see the life I have and the people I love. I grew up without her, after she died I bounced around to different placements and ended up w/my biofather, who didn't want me then anymore than he did when I was born. He's a nutcase anyways, I actually have legal guardianship of him now.

I hate having to learn how to be a mother without remembering my own.

I hate the ache that is always there in the back of my soul.

I hate the feeling I have of dread wondering if I will live to see my own children grow up. My mom was 31 when she had me, I just turned 31 so it's this weird. I was in therapy for a long time, my therp said once I pass the age she was when she died (43) I'll relax more.

We shall see.

Thanks for this thread. I've always felt alone in this situation, seeing other mamas going through it really helps.

Bellevuemama


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## Pookietooth

to you, Bellevuemama and Prairiebird. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your mom at 12. It was hard enough at 30! I do identify with the whole wanting your mom to meet your kids -- mine didn't get a chance to meet ds.

I was just reading an article about family traditions, and realizing how different ours is, with no close relatives near and only one, flakey grandparent left. DS will probably receive no gifts or cards from MIL, as usual. We have to be both parents and grandparents for him, which I don't like. Sigh.








s to everyone. The holidays can be hard when you have lost your moms.


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## HrCreuzi

I am so happy to have found all of you (well, ok- that sounds wrong. I hope you know what I mean!). I lost my mom 9 years ago. She had a lot of mental health issues, got drunk, hit her head and died from the concussion.

The holidays are very hard in that they were her favorite and (usually) most sober times. And trying to parent without her is VERY hard. My dad remembers almost nothing, my step-mom is nice but not a lot of help and my MIL is WAY different and doesn't understand "our ways".

It's been so hard as I meet other moms and on some of my other groups because they don't understand why it's so hard. They think that it's been so long or that since I'm a mom now I should be ok. They don't get how when I say that it's important for me to do something or that it's in honor of or from my mom just how important it is.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I'm not used to getting to talk about it.

I'll try to go back and read all the other posts too. But big hugs to all who have become mom-less. (and if you haven't- I really suggest you read "Motherless Daughter's" when you are ready. It helped me a lot!)


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## RubyOrganique

prairiebird - were you in the July dd club? If so, I think I remember you. I didn't realize our stories were so similar. I lost my mom just before I turned 10. I am mother to my first who is 5 months old.

I, too, go through certain periods of time when I miss her terribly, even though I hardly knew life with her. It seems cyclical. But there have been some surprising times when I feel she walks with me. During my pregnancy and labor, I felt like she was right there. Her 24th anniversary happened a month before I gave birth and I was shocked at how good I felt that day. We call her "Angel Grandma" (as my dad is married and it is important to me to differentiate her from Dad's wife and from dh's mom)

During my _long_ labor, I kept thinking about how my mom had done this 4 times. I hung a photo of her at the hospital after her first baby on the wall in the baby's room where I labored. A friend of mine from a motherless daughters group I belong to suggested that and I'm so glad she did.

I would second the suggestion to pick up Motherless Daughters when you're ready. It took me almost 10 years from the time I got it to when I was ready to read it. Even better, I think, is Edelman's newer book Motherless Mothers. It was integral to the process I went through before deciding I wanted to be and was capable of being a mother.

Hrcreuzi - look at meetup.com They might have a motherless daughters or motherless mothers group you might be interested in joining. I have found my experience with a group so transforming.

Know you're not alone.


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## trinity6232000

I could really use some advice, like I'm desperate to find anybody who has been in the situation I have found myself in.

Basically my Dad's new wife can't stand me. I have tried for two years (while they were dating) to bridge the gap, to get along, and it really got bad over Christmas.

If anybody could read my post in Personal Growth, and give any advice you have.

It's times like these when I miss my Mom the most. She always had my back, was always able to help me find my self worth in bad situations. I feel so broken right now. I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I feel so alone in this situation, and could use advice. Thanks.


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## KJoslyn78

It's been awhile.. how's everyone doing?

Ther eis so much drama in my family life right now - i wish my mom was here to help deflect some of it (she was good at that)


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## Pookietooth

to all. It's rough living without mama.


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## socialworkmamma

My sister-in-law just became a mother without a mother. I would love to hear from some women who have been there some special ways I can help and let her know I'm there when she needs me.
TIA
Pamela


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## FelixMom

Pamela,
How long ago did your SIL's mother pass away? Try and see whether there were any beloved traditions, baby articles from her own childhood or stories that your SIL wants the children to experience, that she wants to pass along to her children as a way to honour the grandmother they'll know in spirit only.


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## RubyOrganique

Hi all,

As Mother's Day is approaching, I've been trying to come up with a charitable way to honor my mom. I started doing this last year when I was pregnant - I donated books on mothering, pregnancy and natural childbirth to the library in her hometown.

I found it an excellent way to connect with my mom. She's been gone for almost 25 years. This year, I'm thinking about donating to a birth center or a nonprofit that helps women during pregnancy and birth.

Does anyone else have a tradition they do around mother's day? For a long time, I acted as if the holiday didn't exist. Now, even though it's tough to watch other families taking their moms to brunch, being honored at church, etc. I embrace it as a special day to think about her.


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## katmann

Just found this thread.

My mom died at 61 in 2005. She had breast cancer that spread to her bones. She had had it for years and been in and out of treatment and remission. I was 16 when she was diagnosed and 25 when she died.

I just had my first baby in January. Throughout the whole pregnancy and since he's been born, it's been really hard not having her to talk to. I can't believe how many questions I have and how many things I didn't think to ask when she was alive. Was I born naturally? How long did she breastfeed me? Did she use cloth diapers? Also, she was a feminist writer and didn't tackle maternity care as one of her issues, but I would have love to discuss with her all the things I learned while deciding to have a homebirth. And above all else, she would be absolutely wild about my son. He would have been so loved and spoiled by her. It just sucks that he's missing out on this amazing person.

My husband was very close to her as well and I'm so happy that they got along as well as they did. This time of year she used to call us and say "You've got to come visit, the red bud's out," since that was one of her favorite trees. Now we live in the house where she used to live and we think of that as we drive around the area in April and May. It's a pleasant reminder of her. But if I think about her too much the sadness and the void is almost overwhelming. I'm comforted to know that other mamas are going through this and I hope to be able to read every post soon.


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## mkarntz

Hi everyone,

My mom commited suicide on October 10,2003...I was 38 weeks pg with my 2nd child. We were very close, she was very close with my son and it was really hard on me. Now my 2nd son has autism, and I wonder if its due to the stress of her death during my pregnancy. I miss my mom soooo much


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## RubyOrganique

Hi Katmann. You must have been blessed with a similar talent as your mom - your writing is eloquent.

I lost my mom when I was 10, so I didn't ask any of the things I'd like to know about. My dad is amazing at remembering obscure details from long ago, but it's just not the same. I interviewed him about Mom's pregnancy with me, not expecting him to remember much and was blown away at how moved I was with the information he gave me.

It is really challenging sometimes to be a motherless mother. I just had my first babe last summer and I was very concerned as to how my labor would go and how I would manage not having her there to usher me into motherhood. It felt like a right of passage had been denied me somehow. We birthed at home as well and I had a photo of her at the hospital when she gave birth to her first baby hanging on the wall where I could see it from my birth tub. Needless to say, I called upon her during labor.

I was surprised during pregnancy how strongly I felt her walking with me. Her anniversary happened about a month before my DD came and I was shocked at how it was probably the easiest anniversary for me. So while I get angry that she's not here to show me how to nurture and protect my baby, I know she's with me every moment and somehow I'm empowered by that.

My missing her lives much more at the surface than it used to. Maybe you're feeling that way to. I've lived without her for almost 25 years and it is a constantly changing experience. With each major milestone, I miss her in new ways and know her in new ways.

You're lucky that your spouse knew (and loved) your mother. I wish I had that. My husband is incredibly supportive of me, but he never knew her.

You said it - it just sucks. But know that you're among women who can relate. We can't know everything about each other's experience, but we certainly can relate.

If you haven't picked it up, you might take a read of Motherless Mothers. It helped me see some of the things I struggled with in a clearer way.

I hope you have a peaceful Mother's Day.


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## katmann

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RubyOrganique* 
Hi Katmann. You must have been blessed with a similar talent as your mom - your writing is eloquent.

*blush*

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out.


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## Nourishing Bodies

I'm so grateful I've found this thread and all of you. My mom died 9 years ago, just 5 days after the birth of my first son. It has been a crazy ride since then, but the first 5 years were certainly the hardest. I am finally at a place where I believe I can offer support and advice instead of always receiving it. How wonderful to be able to give back.

I am in the very early stages of writing an article for Mothering Mag. about my experience of giving birth at home and then, in the same week, supporting my mother as she died at home. The "labor" of both was uncannily similar. I would love to share my story with you and get all the feedback possible. It has been a goal of mine to write about this, and it hasn't been until fairly recently that it has proved to be therapeutic rather than difficult. My experience has shaped my spiritual beliefs and given me explanations of life and death that calm and comfort me. I'd love to be able to share that.







:


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## AuntG

Hi mamas. Has anyone got any stories to share about what they did today, on Mother's Day? I added a short bit to my blog about my mom (in my sig).

I'd like to hear about how you all remembered your moms today.


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## ee_lime

I have never posted here before, so...








My mom committed suicide 6 years ago. I finally felt that the time was right to spread my mom's ashes so I went down to the pretty little river by our home on her birthday (the day after mothers day this year) and spread them. It is such a relief to not feel that I am keeping her spirit boxed up anymore.







:


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## mamasgroovin

I've been a bit AWOL here. A sad welcome to all the new posters.








I haven't read up on all the stories, I will try to do that later.









ee_lime...very touching what a nice feeling to unbox, eh? My brother, her dp, myself, dh, and 1st child (who was 11 months old at the time) took my mom's ashes to the Red River Gorge to release them on Mother's Day just a month after her passing. It's a long and difficult trail to get to her, but worth the hike. It was one of her favorite places in the world. Last year I made the trek on Mother's Day to visit her on my 1st solo journey. Very healing.

Nourishing Bodies, I'd love to read that.









We did nothing special for Mother's Day this year. I do believe everyone finally got around to wishing me a good one at least. Normally I would garden in honor of my mother on Mother's Day, at the old house I had an entire garden devoted to the day and each year I would expand it and add new plants. After 11(?) years it was really flourishing and so sad to leave it behind. I should really think about doing that here because it brought me great joy.









I've been in a major funk lately. I hadn't even realized Mother's Day was so near. My mother has been gone now for 16 Mother's Days. So hard to believe. I decided it was finally time to get my mammogram. Results next week. I am not worried about them, it was more just the whole addressing the issue, seeing the other women there, knowing most of them had breast cancer, wondering about their stories, wondering if I'd be sitting in that waiting room for treatment one day as well.

Love and healing vibes to you all!







:







:


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## Mommy2Austin

Howdy ladies...

I came into FYT to look for a Law Enforcement/Correction Officers tribe and instead I found you lovely ladies.

My mom past away this past January after a 2 year battle with cancer. I have my good days and my bad days. At first i thought I was doing fine, but then I started getting anger and bitter towards my kids and DH so I sought out a counselor which helped. Then I started having panic attacks at innocuous times (like while watching a movie or reading a book) so the counselor referred me to the my PCP who put me on Celexa and Xanax. The panic attacks have stopped now and I'm much happier and have even finally been able to get some grief out. Up until I got on the meds I hadn't even cried. Not at her funeral and not after.

I'm still processing everything and trying to keep my life going. My relationship with my dad is strained at best. I had issues with him before my mom died and now that she's no longer there to buffer them I tend to avoid him as often as possible.

I'll be back a little later on to read some more of your stories...


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## xenomama

Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.


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## Dar

I'm sorry about your mom, xenomama. Is there someone who can go with you to get your meds? Or is there a pharmacy near you that delivers? It would probably help you to be taking the full dose right now.


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## trinity6232000

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xenomama* 
Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.

WOW. I could have written your post just after my Mom passed. I'm so sorry your going through this. You have to get out there and get your meds, or ask somebody to pick them up. This will help you cope. I tried to adjust my meds after my Mom's passing, and I was just kicking myself for making my body cope with more, when I wasn't ready. Plus, no guilt okay. Screw the house, and anything that can wait. Just do what you can that makes you feel okay. Give yourself some time in bed, but then get out of bed and do something.

I'll be praying for you, vent here when ever need be.


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## KJoslyn78

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xenomama* 
Hi, folks. Sadly, I now qualify for this tribe. My mom died 10 days ago. I posted a response in the Grief forum, but thought I'd come here as well. I'm having a bad day today. I just feel really alone, and I don't really care about anything. I'm angry with the kids, the house is falling apart, and well, I don't care. I know I'm depressed, and I'm only taking half my meds because whenever I think about venturing out to get the others, I get anxious. I'm just a mess right now.









s:

I'm so sorry about your recently loss of your mom... those first days are surely the roughest ones to go through, when emotions are still so raw. Post about it as much as you need to - i think it does help to get it out and not bottle it up

I agree with the other poster in finding out if your pharmacy delivers (most stand alone ones do i've found), or if a friend/family member can pick up your medication for you.

Going to go find your post in G&L too...







s:


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## xenomama

I'm still feeling really off, not that that's surprising. I'm giving myself permission to leave my girls at the daycare this afternoon, and I'm going to go pick up my meds. Then I'm going to go to get my tires rotated and spend some time with a magazine. Even that seems exhausting, but I'm just going to have to suck it up.


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## 80'smum

Hi everyone. I have not posted here either. I am so sad for the loss of everyone's mother here, but - at least I know I am not going crazy with the way I feel. I lost both parents 3 years ago......and I do not feel any better mentally then the day that it happened. But, I put on a great front to all of my friends (I mean, lets face it - who wants to be around a miserable person or someone who always talks about the loss?? right???) but, secretly inside - I am so lonely I sometimes want to crawl away...secretly I am so jealous of my friends who get to talk about how their moms/dads love their kids, etc. Secretly I want to beat them up! LOL!







But, mostly, I just feel bad for my kids. My husbands father also died young, so we are a small family unit. I feel bad that they don't have a grandparent who adores them like they deserve.

But, anyway, I know I still have alot to be thankful for, and I try to focus on that to get me thru the days! I big ol' hug to all the motherless moms. BTW - that is the name of a book I read recently "*the motherless Mom"* (or something like that)...thought it had alot of insight.









I am working on child no. 4. But, I am awaiting an operation so I can conceive again! Wish me luck!!


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## xenomama

Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.


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## Mommy2Austin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xenomama* 
Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.

I'm glad you felt some closure.


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## Mommy2Austin

I found out I'm pregnant again and due within days of the 1-year anniversary of my Mom's passing. Very bittersweet, but I'm trying to keep my head up and look on the bright side of things. I just keep picturing her and God up there plotting twins on me


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## xenomama

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I imagine anniversaries will always be tough, but you seem to have a good attitude about it.


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## Pookietooth

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am pregnant as well, and am finding that my pregnancy is bringing up a lot around my mom's death. I miss her and wish I could ask her things like "what was your pregnancy with me like?" and "how long did you breast feed me?" and "what was my birth like?" but she is gone and I don't know anyone who knew her then (and anyway, I don't think she talked to many people about it).


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xenomama* 
Good evening, ladies. We interred my mom's cremains today. Rather than purchasing an urn, I created wrapping paper from my daughters' drawings and wrapped the box in that.

I performed the graveside service, my dad placed her cremains in the ground, and my daughters helped "decorate" by putting in potpurri, drawings, and tissue paper.

All in all, it was a peaceful time, and I think I really got some closure from it.

Very sweet. What a nice way to have your own ceremony and make it yours.


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## RubyOrganique

Mom2Austin: congratulations on your pregnancy. I, too had a lot of things come up during my pregnancy. It will be 25 years next week for me, and I've learned over time that feelings pop up unexpectedly. But they are almost always associated with big life changes.

I was concerned that my pregnancy and birth would be really difficult given the circumstances. And I discussed it with both my doula and midwife as they would be involved should it play into my birthing time. But I found it to be an amazing experience. I felt like she walked with me every step of the way. I really felt closer to her than I ever have since she passed.

I had a home birth and hung some pictures of her (one of when she was in the hospital having her first baby) in the room where I spent most of my birthing time. Even at the most challenging moments, I could see her, smiling. And I would think to myself, "she did this 4 times. She's with me. I can do this too." Another motherless mother friend of mine gave me the idea of having a photo of her with me during delivery. At first I thought that might make it harder, but it really brought her into focus for me and gave me strength.

Your pregnancy is going to be calm and beautiful, as will your birth. I wish you peace during this special time.


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## Mommy2Austin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RubyOrganique* 
Mom2Austin: congratulations on your pregnancy. I, too had a lot of things come up during my pregnancy. It will be 25 years next week for me, and I've learned over time that feelings pop up unexpectedly. But they are almost always associated with big life changes.

I was concerned that my pregnancy and birth would be really difficult given the circumstances. And I discussed it with both my doula and midwife as they would be involved should it play into my birthing time. But I found it to be an amazing experience. I felt like she walked with me every step of the way. I really felt closer to her than I ever have since she passed.

I had a home birth and hung some pictures of her (one of when she was in the hospital having her first baby) in the room where I spent most of my birthing time. Even at the most challenging moments, I could see her, smiling. And I would think to myself, "she did this 4 times. She's with me. I can do this too." Another motherless mother friend of mine gave me the idea of having a photo of her with me during delivery. At first I thought that might make it harder, but it really brought her into focus for me and gave me strength.

Your pregnancy is going to be calm and beautiful, as will your birth. I wish you peace during this special time.

Thank you for that







I do hope that I'll be able to focus on her in a happy way. I'm planning on bringing this up in my counseling session tomorrow because I feel like it could come up in a negative way during labor and I need to work through my feelings to make sure it doesn't happen.


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## dislocator3972

I'm so glad I found this!

This is my first pregnancy and I'm having a really tough time missing my 'mommy'. I knew that being pregnant without her would be hard, but somedays I still feel blindsided with everything that I feel without her. It's nice to think that I'm not the only one!

My background:
My father was/is a violent alcoholic and my mother pretty much checked out. I was an accidental child, and I walked in on a phone conversation once and overheard my father complaining about how upset they were that they had to stop smoking pot and doing drugs when they found out my mother was pregnant with me. These people should probably never have been parents. My mother is still alive, but she currently refuses to speak to me, and when I've been able to get her to speak she's pretty mean. My personal theory is that she's upset I no longer have to deal with my dad they way she does every day. She spent most of my childhood trying to ignore her home life so I and my little brother were raised by our Godmother, Mimi.

Mimi was wonderful. She is exactly the mother that everyone wishes they had, and she is exactly the mother I hope I can be. She was our source of love and support from the day we met her to the day she died. She was my babysitter, my Godmother, and my absolute best friend. I continued to hang out at her daycare through my first 2 years of college. She died shortly after I left home for AmeriCorps of a crazy staph infection. She was fine on Wednesday, I talked to her and told her I was coming home that weekend, Thursday she thought she was having a bad reaction to a spider bite (she was allergic), she started slurring her words and appearing REALLY ill on Friday so her (adult) children took her to the hospital, she died Saturday. I considered her my 'mommy' (and called her that) from a very early age, and feel as orphaned and lonely as I can imagine without her.

I suppose this may not really be the group for me, because my mother is actually alive, but I hope no one minds if I join anyway.


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## Mommy2Austin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dislocator3972* 
I'm so glad I found this!

This is my first pregnancy and I'm having a really tough time missing my 'mommy'. I knew that being pregnant without her would be hard, but somedays I still feel blindsided with everything that I feel without her. It's nice to think that I'm not the only one!

My background:
My father was/is a violent alcoholic and my mother pretty much checked out. I was an accidental child, and I walked in on a phone conversation once and overheard my father complaining about how upset they were that they had to stop smoking pot and doing drugs when they found out my mother was pregnant with me. These people should probably never have been parents. My mother is still alive, but she currently refuses to speak to me, and when I've been able to get her to speak she's pretty mean. My personal theory is that she's upset I no longer have to deal with my dad they way she does every day. She spent most of my childhood trying to ignore her home life so I and my little brother were raised by our Godmother, Mimi.

Mimi was wonderful. She is exactly the mother that everyone wishes they had, and she is exactly the mother I hope I can be. She was our source of love and support from the day we met her to the day she died. She was my babysitter, my Godmother, and my absolute best friend. I continued to hang out at her daycare through my first 2 years of college. She died shortly after I left home for AmeriCorps of a crazy staph infection. She was fine on Wednesday, I talked to her and told her I was coming home that weekend, Thursday she thought she was having a bad reaction to a spider bite (she was allergic), she started slurring her words and appearing REALLY ill on Friday so her (adult) children took her to the hospital, she died Saturday. I considered her my 'mommy' (and called her that) from a very early age, and feel as orphaned and lonely as I can imagine without her.

I suppose this may not really be the group for me, because my mother is actually alive, but I hope no one minds if I join anyway.

Mom's come in many forms. They aren't just the people who birth us







I say welcome to you


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## Pookietooth

Sarah, you are very welcome here. Like Sarah Lynne said, moms come in many forms. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Godmother sounds like she was a wonderful woman with a huge heart. Staph is nasty -- my mom died from it too, although she was already quite ill at the time. She never really had a chance once the staph took hold.


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## wendyland

Hi! Today is the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. It feels weird. I don't really feel more sad today than I did a week ago. But, everyone keeps saying that they'll be thinking about me today. It's nice of them to say, but she's just as dead today as she has been all year. I guess today just doesn't feel different to me.

In a way, it feels like it just happened. At the same time, it feels like it's been SO LONG since I've seen her. It's a weird feeling. I try to picture everything about her so that I don't forget. I think that's my biggest worry. I (hopefully) have so many years without her. I can't imagine being 60 and thinking that it's been 30 years since I've seen my mom. It makes me so sad.

I have had some great lucid dreams where I think she visited me. I had one last week, the night before I was to go to see psychic medium John Edward. She was sitting at a table & I was asking her questions about being dead. I asked if she could talk to me in my dreams then why didn't she do it more often. She said that she really wanted to but just couldn't & she couldn't tell me why. I also asked if she could read my mind of if I had to speak out loud what I had to say to her. So, I thought of something *dirty* because she would think that was funny & she started laughing.

So, I didn't get a reading with the medium, but I was ok with it. It was still amazing to watch. The people that got readings needed it more than I did.

I hope all of you are doing well!


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## trinity6232000

Wendy I relate to your post so much. Down to wanting to go visit with John Edward, and not getting a reading. I actually have thought this to myself. I feel my Mother is great peace, so I'm a great peace with my Mom's passing. I am slightly jealous of your dreams. I felt my Mother quite heavy the day she was burried.
My brother is ALWAYS late to everything. We joke that you have to lie to him and tell him to show up an hour early and then maybe he'll be on time. The morning of my Mom's funeral, my brother busts into the house, and I'm sitting there calm. He's all hurried, and saying we're all late. All his clocks in his house, and also his car clock turned a hour early, so he thought he was late. Later when he went to get in his car, the clock was correct, and same with all his house clocks.
I kept laughing and telling him it was Mom making sure he'd be on time. Then I said "Next we'll all be finding pennies". Not even a minute later I heard my dd in the other room say "Hey look, a penny". It sent shivers down my spine.
I wanted to be alone during the processinal from the church to the cemetary. In the car I hit the scan button. The radio station it hit first was playing a song my Mom liked. The next two were her favorite songs of all time (True Colors and Dancing Queen).

I never have felt my Mother again. I feel she is totally done with her earthly life, and has better things to do some where else. I miss her, but I'm not in pain. I know things worked out to be how they ought to be. When the first anniversary came around I thought about her a lot, but it was really another day. Now Mothers day is hard for me, I miss her a lot on that day. I want to celebrate with her.


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## wendyland

Janna - That's cool that you saw John Edward, too. So, many of those weird coincidences happened in my family when she passed. I know we could have been looking for those things, but there were way too many for it to be coincidence to me.

I also feel mostly at peace with her passing. It was so sudden and she was only 45. That's what bothers me most. I guess she learned what she was here to learn. She did do a lot in 45 years. Her birthday was probably the saddest day for me this past year. She was really a birthday person.


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## LoBleusMama

Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!


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## KJoslyn78

Today has been 2 years since my mom died... i always think its the 5th (which is the date on the termination of life support papers), but then realize it was after midnight when she officially passed.

she waan't the best mom, not even a mom really... but i miss her


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## Pookietooth

to you LoBleusMama. It's a different sort of loss when you didn't get a mama who was a mama to you. My mom was not the greatest mom (she was emotionally distant and probably suffered from depression at the very least), and I grieved that loss before I lost her. It's similar in some ways, because it's just as permanent -- yet death is so much more easy to understand in its finality. Unless of course you have those experiences of beyond the grave communication as some folks do.
The 13th anniversary of my mom's death passed recently, and while I did think about her, I wouldn't say it was more than most days (although I did dream of her more often in the days leading up to it).


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## ee_lime

I can't sleep- missing my mom tonight


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## Mommy2Austin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ee_lime* 
I can't sleep- missing my mom tonight









*hugs* I keep going through that. I haven't had my anxiety meds for a few days while waiting on a new prescription and I managed to have a panic attack at work. I don't know when or if I'll ever get over this... I feel like pregnancy makes it magnified. I'm worried about whats gonna happen to me during labor.


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## Pookietooth

to you. I have been dreaming about my mom a lot lately and missing her. Being pregnant always does that to me. I hope you both feel better soon.


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## Mommabean

Hello all!
I was around in a tribe like this one about 2 years ago, but I wasn't online much for awhile after my surgery.

My momma has been gone 7 years now, this time of year is hardest, she passed in Sept 2 weeks before my 22nd birthday from metastasized breast cancer. My son was born the following year on Oct 1st. So bittersweet times.

To top it all off this year in September we found out we are expecting a surprise baby. So again I am having some mom issues. It is the hardest because you can't just pick up the phone and scream Mom I'm having a baby. Nope I had to get excited for the MIL and dh's family instead.

So HUGS to us all. and


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## ee_lime

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommabean* 
Hello all!
I was around in a tribe like this one about 2 years ago, but I wasn't online much for awhile after my surgery.

My momma has been gone 7 years now, this time of year is hardest, she passed in Sept 2 weeks before my 22nd birthday from metastasized breast cancer. My son was born the following year on Oct 1st. So bittersweet times.

To top it all off this year in September we found out we are expecting a surprise baby. So again I am having some mom issues. It is the hardest because you can't just pick up the phone and scream Mom I'm having a baby. Nope I had to get excited for the MIL and dh's family

I can relate- I wish more than anything that I could share my kids, her grandkids with her, that she could have held them just once before she passed away








hugs to all of you


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## Pookietooth

Yes, Emilee, I sure wish my mom could have met ds, and could meet the new baby due any day now. It's hard especially when you see other kids with their grandmothers. All babies deserve to be spoiled by grandma and it sucks when they can't.







to you all.


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## stayinghome

My Mom died June 2nd of this year, from colon cancer that had metastasized. Today was my middle daughter's bday, and my oldest dd's, first homecoming. Every first without my mom hurts so much. I had some pictures framed for her memorial service, and just got the guts to hang them up for the party we had today. Felt like i should do it for some reason. But the pics make me sad when i walk by them. but it's important to have them up, right?

Every day, every event, every everything, is so hard.


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## ee_lime

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherE* 
My Mom died June 2nd of this year, from colon cancer that had metastasized. Today was my middle daughter's bday, and my oldest dd's, first homecoming. Every first without my mom hurts so much. I had some pictures framed for her memorial service, and just got the guts to hang them up for the party we had today. Felt like i should do it for some reason. But the pics make me sad when i walk by them. but it's important to have them up, right?

Every day, every event, every everything, is so hard.









I lost my mom 6 years ago, when I was 18, after the first year you really do start to have more good days than bad. I think in the first year I had to get a good cry in once a week- now maybe two or three times a year I have a little cry while fallilng asleep at night.
The first year I had very clear dreams of my mom, unfortunatly[sp?] most of them were not good dreams, I broke my heart to dream of my mom in such a negative way- I never ever felt the way about her as I did in my dreams.


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## wendyland

I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. My mom passed a year ago July. I'm tired of feeling so much pain about it. I want to be able to remember my mom and think about her without feeling my chest tighten and feeling how unfair it seems. I want remembering her to feel happy. It's almost like I make myself pain or otherwise it means that I don't care enough. Does this makes sense to anyone?


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## ee_lime

Wendyland- I still feel short of breath, six years later, everytime I think of my mom. So, no advice from me, but I agree that it would be nice to feel good when remembering her. And that sounds bad because there was nothing bad about it- but the loss overwhelms the happy thoughts


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## sosurreal09

i wanna join this tribe i lost my mom when i was 15 yo due to suicide. im 22 now and have a 8 week old DD.


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## sosurreal09

im at almost 7 years since my mom died and it is just as painful as ever. my whole pregnancy i was miserable b/c i needed my mom and now that i have my daughter i cry all the time. i think about my mom so much. i know how badly she would want to be in my DD life and it breaks my heart that shes not here to help me and to love her. my mom used to always sing you are my sunshine to me so i tell my daughter when the sun rises its babcha (grandma in polish) saying good morning and when it sets shes saying good nite. i really want to incorporate my mother into her life even though she will never meet her. its so hard to deal with loosing a mother especially at a young age. i remember in high school the school nurse who was in her 60s mother died and i told her i was sorry and i know how she felt and she proceeded to tell me i had no idea how she felt because she loved her mother longer than i did and she had more memories. needles to say i was ripshit lol i told her to f off but neways i think its harder to not have had enough time with your mother. all the memories and years we were jipped out of. my mother never got to see my prom dress or me graduating. she wont be at my wedding and she wasnt at my daughters birthing. it can make you feel empty inside like you are really loosing something constantly. everyday my mother is out of my life i miss her more and long for the days when i could just hear her voice. id like to say it gets easier but for me it never did... i still cry whenever i think of her or hear certain songs. sometimes i will cry when im so happy and realize she can not share that with me...


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## sosurreal09

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ee_lime* 
I lost my mom 6 years ago, when I was 18, after the first year you really do start to have more good days than bad. I think in the first year I had to get a good cry in once a week- now maybe two or three times a year I have a little cry while fallilng asleep at night.
The first year I had very clear dreams of my mom, unfortunatly[sp?] most of them were not good dreams, I broke my heart to dream of my mom in such a negative way- I never ever felt the way about her as I did in my dreams.

i had horrible nightmares about my mom for the first few years after she died. she had committed suicide and i found her...still alive. she died in my arms when i was only 15. she had overdosed and she looked very scary, she spewed blood all over me during a seizure. its very hard to forget. but i felt very badly as well having such negative scary visions of my mother. i would wake up screaming and scared - your not supposed to be afraid of your mother. i dont have them anymore thank god i hope yours have faded as well. just remember she wouldnt want you to remember her like that. or imagine her however you were.


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## sosurreal09

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoBleusMama* 
Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!

my father physically abused me my whole childhood after my mom died he gave me up to the state and threw me in a foster home. it really screwed me up...anyways when i was pregnant my sister (who was 18 when mom died so she didnt have to be given up tot the state she was just sent out on her own) convinced me to call him and tell him i was pregnant. we have been healing our relationship...its not perfect and i still can not except a lot of things and its hard to forgive someone who has broken your jaw and nose several times and beaten you with weight belts everyday for years on end...but not having any type of relationship hurt too. but idk if its different b/c my father was like 2 different people one side was kind and funny and the other side was a monster, but maybe it would help to try to talk to your mom...sometimes the constant rejection screws us up more than we think and need to have some sort of acceptance... good luck and remember girls are usually daddys girls lol your dd loves you and you love her dont worry about youre relationship as long as you are a good mom you will be fine.


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## KJoslyn78

I never saw this the first time - we both posted at the same time that night

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoBleusMama* 
Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!

I could have written this post. My dad won custody of my brothers and I when i was 9... after fighting the courts for 3 years. As a young child, all i remember about my mom was her shuttling us form baby sitter to baby sitter, and that she had many a boyfriends, and would drink, a LOT. She always tried to "re-establish" that close mother-daughter relationship once i hit my teen years, but by then it was too late - i had so much distrust in her and her lies and her addictions, etc - i always kept her at arms length so not to be re-hurt when she would screw things up yet again. By contrast - my father and i were very, very close and it was his death (he died 4 years before she did) that rocked me to my core. I very much feel like i lost her years, decades, before her physical death. I have a LOT of guilt from our relationship and her death. And i do worry about how that has made and effected me as a mother to my own children, i only hope i that i can do better then the example she set for me.








i am so sorry - i hope you are able to find some peace


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## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anielasmommy09* 
i wanna join this tribe i lost my mom when i was 15 yo due to suicide. im 22 now and have a 8 week old DD.

Hi there, I'm not active much on this thread but I wanted to tell you I also lost my mom to suicide almost 3 years ago. I started a Suicide Survivors Thread here as well. You might find some solace there too.









ETA: I don't know wtf is going on every time I cut and paste it's messed up. so in the GRIEF and LOSS subforum is a thread titled Suicide Survivors.









try this OK I just checked it and it works, so idk what the heck is going before. I tried it and checked it 3 times and then came back and it was still going to some other link.


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## sosurreal09

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
Hi there, I'm not active much on this thread but I wanted to tell you I also lost my mom to suicide almost 3 years ago. I started a Suicide Survivors Thread here as well. You might find some solace there too.









thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...


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## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anielasmommy09* 
thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...

sorry, I don't know how that happened, I fixed the link.


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## ee_lime

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anielasmommy09* 
thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...

Same for me


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## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ee_lime* 
Same for me

I think its fixed now. Click on Try this in my original post. something is up either with my computer or with MDC. Anyhoo, it's under the grief and loss forum called Suicide Survivors.


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## Mommabean

Here comes Christmas...

*sigh*


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## Pookietooth

everyone; the holidays can be rough. I dreamed about my mom again last night.


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## sarahsmiles

Hey everyone. I haven't been keeping up with this tribe, but had a revelation last night I thought y'all could relate to.

My mom was frugal. Penny pinching frugal. I really struggled with this growing up, but I do now respect that she made a little money go very far. I didn't get "nice" clothes, we didn't eat out, I had to reuse paper bags for lunches, etc. I thought I had made my peace with all this until the other day when DD (3) discovered the box of Batman band-aids and wanted to open all the them. At once!

I was really irritated. She wasn't making a mess--she was putting the wrappers in the trash. I realized I just had some instinctual "don't waste the band-aids" response. Like we were "saving" them for something. Now luckily a $2 box of band-aids is not going to break us, and it kept her busy so I could do a few other things, and brought her so much happiness.

I just wish Mom hadn't always been saving *things* for something, and that we had occasionally been able to splurge on a wacky treat, or do something goofy just for fun even if it made a mess. I remember eating stale cookies because they were rationed, and jars of fancy lotion that separated because we weren't allowed to use them on a daily basis.

I guess if she were alive right now I'd probably be criticizing her, and that's not what I mean. I just mean I wish the great memories I have of her weren't clouded by this sadness, that somehow we missed out on the chance to have more fun together and be happier sometimes.


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## wendyland

Thanks for your message, Beth. I used to be frugal with bandaids. Now, I let them have one anytime they want. Your message was a good reminder to me to let go and have fun more.

I also don't remember having much fun with my mom. She'd color with my sometimes. That's about it. I was an only child and she treated me mostly like an adult.


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## Organique Gal

I only read the first few posts in this thread, but will come back when I have more time and "catch up".

I lost my mom to Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma when I was 22, 11 years ago. My parents had been together for 25 years when she died, and dad sort of freaked out. He went hunting for a new wife before she was even buried (I had to witness a close family friend in hysterics when he proposed to her before the funeral. She was helping me clean mom's stuff out of their bedroom... ).

Ironically, in the last couple weeks dad and I just started talking about the hurt that was done to our family by his actions. I have huge feelings of rejection because his excuse for remarrying so quick is he needed help with the kids. I offered dozens of times during mom's sickness and after her death to move back home and provide round the clock care to my 3 younger sisters (they were 11, 13, and 15 at the time) and he refused my offers.

My mom was only 47 when she died, and has never met any of the 8 grandkids. My son is the only grandkid that lives close to grandpa and granny (my stepmom, who is also my best friend) and spends any amount of time with them. I miss mom a lot, but I can also see where life is easier for dad now than when she was alive. He tends to put her on a pedestal and forgets the negative aspects of their marriage. I love my dad dearly, I've idolized him my entire life, and facing old hurts has been difficult.


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## KJoslyn78

Beth, i use to be frugal with bandaids too, esp with teh kids wanting them for every teeny tiny bumps, etc... until i had read about how younger kids (toddlers/preschoolers) precieve being hurt and it really opened my eyes... i never thought about your view on it too

April - I am so very sorry







s


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## earthgirl

nevermind.


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## mamacatsbaby

t1h

no time to read or post right now, just subbing again

blessings mommies...


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## tashantx

I'm here now..
I lost my mom on 3/17 today is one of those days where she really would have helped me feel better. I am trying so hard to ''hang in there''. My kids need me and I'm trying to be there for my dad (they were married for 28 years) they had a rocky marriage and I think he has a lot of unspoken regret. That bothers me.....I have a lot of regret also. I wish I was strong enough to type it all out here for the world to see but I'm not. Things are so hard!! I had such a great mom. One day I'll come back and tell it all it's still so fresh, I've tried to journal but it never works. I will say I've learned so much about the world god and myself since she died and she'd be proud of that.


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## Pookietooth

to you tashantx. It is so hard to lose your mom.


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## lebrbria

I'm new to MDC and just happened across this thread.

I lost my mom when 7 years ago when I was 16. She had broken her leg and developed a blood clot. She was in the hospital because the clot went to her lungs and being stubborn and wanting to go home, she got up to use the bathroom on her own. The blood clot moved to her heart and killed her. My mom passed away on 7/31/03 and I hadn't seen her since 2/14/03 because I had moved in with my dad in a different state.

I had a lot of guilt after my mom died- had I just stayed living with her I could have helped her more so she wouldn't have been in such a rush to get out of the hospital. I could have talked to her more- I rarely called her after moving in with my dad. I could have visited her- my grandparents had come out for my brother's graduation (my mom wasn't invited) and they offered to take me back with them so I could see my mom, but I was in too much of a hurry to get braces, which I didn't even end up getting the week I could have been with my mom.

Now that I'm a mother, I miss my mom even more. I know my mom would love being around her grandchildren. And I have so many things I'd love to talk to her about- how I was as a child, get advice from her, etc. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to and I know if my mom was still here, she'd be someone there for me. Based on things my dad has said, I favor my mom's parenting style more than his, so I know I could turn to her when I need advice. I have a completely new respect for my mom as well since having my own children. I realize how terrible I was when I was younger and how I don't want my children to treat me like that. I still have a hard time every other month or so when I realize my children will never REALLY know their Nana. I see my mom in my children every day, either in personality or looks, and I would love nothing more than to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about it.

I just really miss my mom...


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## wendyland

lebrbria - I think we all have regrets about what we could have done better. I wasn't very close to my mom, but my world was better with her in it. I try not to think about what I could have done more with my relationship with my mom. I think about how it can help me have a better relationship with my children.

I really miss telling my mom what is going on with the girls. I hope that somehow she knows. I started a journal to write down those things to my mom, although I haven't written in it much.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Make your other relationships better because of what has happened. Actually, I think that advice is really something that I need to take more seriously. Thanks for posting. It has helped me think through some things.


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## mom2tatum

I really want to hear this group's thoughts...please please comment on my blog.

"Ponderings...post 30th birthday"

http://ourdaleylifemehimandthekids.b...-birthday.html


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## granolamom

I lost my mom 18 months ago..It hasnt gotten easier...it is now just part of who I am...I miss her daily...wish I could hear her voice...even though there were times ( many of them) when we did not get along, I always knew she was in my corner...someone once said to me, "No one will ever love you like your mama does"....so very true..Blessings


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## just__angel

Sad to be joining this tribe. I apologize in advance for the length. I wont be insulted if you dont read it all ;-)
I didnt know when I started writing this how badly I needed to write it.

Mom was my very best friend. We finished each others sentances, laughed at the same things, have the same voice.. She is the only person I've ever know who honestly knew how to love unconditionally. She was wise, gentle, silly, playful, beautiful, skilled at every homemaking skill imaginable, selfless and always saw in me what I couldnt. She was everything I want to be.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer just as complications in my pregnancy started.
We sat together at the high risk pregnancy wing,staring at the u/s, showing us the girl we both had been waiting for for years.
We cried together when they told me to abort, cried again when they told us she'd be born deformed, and at the labor and delivery room we held hands as I birthed the little girl the drs said wouldnt, couldnt breathe. We sat and waited for silence..
We rejoiced and praised in my girl shocking the medical community, laid together in my bed and marveled over her.

Chemo began and the spiral downwards was excruciating.

She'd sit at my table and cry. She was too weak to dance with my daughter, too weak to hug the boys or play and be silly.
My heart ached to hug her hard, squeeze her to me, feel her heart against mine. And couldnt. She hurt. All over, all the time.

When the phone rang, I considered not answering. That feeling in the pit of my stomach.. "you'd better get here. Moms got pnuemonia"

Hubby hadnt gotten the car stopped when I jumped out in the hospital parking lot.
Distant images of family members grabbing me, crying against me, Aunt telling me my dad had a shrink nearby for me just in case..
Just in case? In case I snapped, right? I know what they've been saying.
Mom and my relationships never been natural. Too close, too intimate, they said.
"They shouldve been able to cut those apron strings long before now."
I knew what they thought and said. I knew they didnt understand.
Nothing ever even the slightest bit improper about mom and I..we just felt like each others half, like our souls were linked.

I marched in, head high but blinded by tears and speechless from this ball of pain in my throat.
Moms 7 siblings, various nieces and nephews, cousins lined the corridor, my grammie at the end, near moms door. Her grief is palatable and she cups my face. "favorite child of my favorite child," and she encloses me in her softness.
My body is convulsing, an unfathomable ache rocking me.
The corridor is longer than it really is..its like the green mile.

Im at the doorway and look in. She got so small. This woman who spanked my butt all the way up the stairs when I said a swear, who'd put her hands on her hips and asked just what I thought I was doing..
It felt just like a scene from a movie. Her lungs were full so her breaths were shallow and gaspy. The oxygen mask kept creeping up her face.

I was so strong and brave. I told her it was ok, to just relax and let go. Heaven had a place prepared just for her.
And then I wasnt. It was like flicking a switch inside me and I was 5 yrs old begging her not to leave me. Im half draped over her, stroking my face with her hand. Dont go mom.please. oh God please I'll die if youleave me. you said you'd fight this and win. you said you would never leave me. Dont you want to dance with Bitsy? (dd nickname)
and then again back to telling her to go.

She was exhausted. Opening her eyes for a second meant she had to sleep for a few minutes.
The nurse comes and is looking at something attached to the bed.
Im cool and detached and the information junky Im known to be.
Its urine, she says. When the output goes down, we know its almost time.
I stare at her and I know. Next to nothing in that bag. I cover it with the blanket b/c mom would be mortified having people see her pee..

I lay across her again and grab her hand. Stroking my face I start singing our songs. The songs she sang to me as a baby, the ones we sang when we did dishes, or went shopping or just needed a break and we'd sit in the car and sing our hearts out.
My brother touches me and it feels like Im waking up. He's so scared and Im so selfish. I hug him and cry and all his says is, "Angel, thats our mom. thats mom. Thats mom"
We're all quiet again. My crying is silent. My shoulders shake and Im so tired.
I hyperventilate, matching my breathing to hers and I realize, less than 1 yr ago her and I were at the hospital, waiting for silence. Waiting for no breathing.
Awaiting death.

She is looking at me and I just know. She's hurting for me, for us, so badly.
She knows and cant do a thing. Her mama heart is breaking for ours breaking.
She closes her eyes and says very simply, "Im sorry."
My dad babbles on, he feels so helpless, no idea what to say to make her not feel bad.
But I know. I place her hand on my check, my head on her belly and start telling her everything good I can remember. All the indoor picnics and tea parties, baking and camping, the late nights we spent walking. remember whens..
I got this feeling..I dont know what it was or even how it felt now but I grabbed my baby brothers hand and brought him into the corridor.
When I looked in the room, mydad was sitting on one side of her and my grammie on the other, kissing her face, rubbing her head and then it was silent.

I ran outside and just screamed and screamed and screamed. I laid on the sidewalk and let my hubby gather me up into his arms and rock me.
Im going to go crazy. I cant live thru this much hurt. I cant feel all this and stay inside me. I want to run and I struggle, hubby holds me firm and cries with me.

Im calm and rather detached. I accept hugs from the family, politely say thank you for the "if you need anything at all.." and walk stiffly back to her.

I decided Id kiss her goodbye and then leave. hubby said he'd make sure I did.
I kissed her and went to put her hand on me one more time and she was cold.
Suddenly I understood the true meaning of temporary insanity.
I went banshee. I screamed at the nurses, called them horrible names, accusing them of negligence and neglect. Moms in the hospital and you cant even make sure she's warm?! How the hell can you do this job and be so careless and incompetant?!
Oh..it wasnt pretty. Hubby dragged me away and finally got me to look in his eyes and it was over.
Gwendolyn Mae williams 3/14/55-9/2/08

The first few months I leaked tears nonstop. I heard her voice everywhere. (my good God Angel! dont you ever dust? lookit those cobwebs!) and saw her in my house, sitting at the kitchen table waiting to play yatzee. I called her by accident/out of habit twice. I bought her a christmas present w/out even thinking.
By 6 months I still couldnt say her name without crying, had short term memory issues and woke up thinking of her.
Just went by her 2nd yr of being gone. I sing her songs, use her cookbooks and tell the kids her stories and about her.
I still ache as if something inside me was literally cut away. Theres an empty place inside that gnaws.
If I let myself think about it enough I get ragefull.
I talk to her as Im going to sleep, telling her what new thing each child has done.
From the day I got home from the hospital, I held my daughter tight to me and danced with her, sending as much of my mom to my babygirl as I could.

Im mad. mad that the older kids miss her and think of all the plans she had with them. mad that the little ones wont remember her. Mad that Bitsy is missing out on a woman who waited 13yrs for her to be born.
Mad that I didnt soak up all the knowledge mom had. Mad that I cant call her and cry to her About missing her. Mad that her shirts lost her smell and her perfume doesnt smell in the bottle like they did on her.
Mad that she left me and I'll go the rest of my life missing her.

*big deep breath*
Thank you all the opportunity and place for me to let go of some of it.


----------



## 2Peaches

I just read the last post by Just_Angel, and many of the previous posts and my heart goes out to all of you. I have never seen this thread on here. My mother died when I was 15 and while I felt like the wound was healed when I had my first daughter 5 years ago, this time after birthing my second daughter I felt the wound ripped open again. You never get over losing your mom, just more used to it I guess. So that is what I have been dealing with for the past 3 months since my daughter's birth.
I wanted to recommend a book to everyone by Hope Edelman called "Motherless Daughters." It has a great section about becoming a mother yourself in there.
Live well and love well


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## earthgirl

just_angel, I just read your post and teared up. So much of what you wrote resonated deeply with me. I've shared my story on here somewhere before, but I'm sure it's buried. Anyway, I was raised by my mom after my parents divorced. My dad had major substance abuse problems so he has not really ever been a part of my life. My mom and I were very close and often people would comment on how special our relationship seemed to be. When I was 21 (she was 44), she got diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. After being diagnosed, she lived for exactly 65 days. It was such a rapid progression. Like you, I did not think I could live through the hurt. And I wish I could say that it does not still hurt, but of course it does. It has been almost 15 years and there are still days where I just get kind of shocked that she's gone. And I still sometimes struggle with the anger and the unfairness of it all. I just constantly miss her, but for the most part I have moved into a place of acceptance, hard as that is at times.

I know you are not necessarily seeking advice, but I want to tell you that however you're feeling at any given moment is OK. Maybe that's obvious to you, but I remember in those first few years thinking that I should be feeling a certain way based on how much time had passed. I know now that these feelings are completely cyclical and I will almost always be faced with the emotions her loss brings about it me. It's not always unpleasant, either. Sometimes I am overjoyed by the things I learned from my mother and the dynamic person she was in this world. I am often able to feel really grateful for what we shared. That's bittersweet, of course, but it's nice to be able to sometimes reflect upon those things that I don't know if I would think about were she still here.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself. And please don't be afraid to seek out help wherever you can find it. Being motherless is a whole different kind of loneliness so don't hesitate to reach out to any of us.


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## just__angel

Thanks for those kind words Earthgirl. <3


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## shanetedissac

Hello, Have not read through the thread, just came across the title. My mother passed away of alcoholism when I was 17yo. I did not grow up with her (divorce). I do wonder at times what it would have been like to have her in my life as I became a parent. She herself was an awful parent, hence father getting full custody and move to next state over. I do still wonder....


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## Smalls181

Hi All,

I'm sad to be joining, but Ive known for years that I would be here eventually. My mom passed away on November 20th. She had some unknown illness that attacked her cerebellum. She moved in with her mother in 2003, and by 2005 it was never really the same with her. A part of me has been grieving her ever since. She had been completely immobile and living in a nursing home for over a year. We lived 4 hours apart, so I only got to visit her a few times a year. Phone conversations were difficult because her speech was so garbled. Then she got an UTI, C-Diss, and finally pneumonia, all within a week of each other. Her muscles were so constricted as well. I made it down to be with her for the last hour of her life. I held her hand. Stroked her hair. Told her I loved her and thanked her for being the most amazing mother. I held her hand as she went to be with the Lord. She was only 80lbs by that time, and it didn't even look like her. She couldn't talk, but I know she was telling me she loved me, too.

I've always felt robbed of being a mother with a mother. My older sister got many years as a mother when our mom was relatively healthy and still herself. Her 3 older kids actually got to know my mom, eat her "poop cookies" (chocolate no-bakes that are purposely not cooked long enough to harden, so you have to eat them in a bowl with a spoon.) got to get Christmas presents from her, birthday cards from her, hugs and kisses from her. My daughter is 4.5 and never got to experience any of that. My mom did hold her and hug and kiss her as a baby, but she won't have any memories of that. All she will remember, if anything, is my mom in a nursing home. Her being sick. I grieve that a lot.

Doing the dishes is a huge trigger for me. That's probably my most vivid memory of her.. standing in the kitchen doing dishes. That and Karen Carpenter Christmas songs.


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## sarahsmiles

Smalls,

So sorry for your loss.

This seems to be the season for me to lose it. I had lunch with a friend whose mom died 10 years ago, and we both fought back tears in the restaurant. We had never really talked about our moms before. The next day, I went to lunch with another friend whose mom died earlier in the month. I was trying to be supportive and helpful, and of course as soon as she started talking about her mom, I broke down. Some helpful friend I am, huh, basically crying like a baby over five years after mom is gone. I guess the message to her is it is always there, the loss, whether your 20 or 50, whether it's been a month or 10 years. Or maybe it's just sleep-deprived me ...

But definitely gearing up for the crying season at our house. DH lost his father in February, so this is the first Christmas without his (token) presence. I just realized some Christmas decorations of my mom's, that I thought I'd find at some point, are gone for good and even thought I made a conscious decision NOT to want any more of her stuff, I desperately want them now!

Ugh. Not a good week.


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## Pookietooth

((hugs))) Beth. Wow, Christmas decorations. I wonder whatever happened to my mom's? My brother got rid of most of her stuff by throwing it out, and although she was a bit of a hoarder, it would have been nice to have been asked. Anyway, it's totally understandable to cry even years later. Don't feel too bad.


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## Sol_y_Paz

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *just__angel*
> 
> Mom was my very best friend. We finished each others sentances, laughed at the same things, have the same voice.. She is the only person I've ever know who honestly knew how to love unconditionally. She was wise, gentle, silly, playful, beautiful, skilled at every homemaking skill imaginable, selfless and always saw in me what I couldnt. She was everything I want to be.
> She was diagnosed with cancer.
> 
> My heart ached to hug her hard, squeeze her to me, feel her heart against mine. And couldnt. She hurt. All over, all the time.
> 
> mom and I..we just felt like each others half, like our souls were linked.
> 
> It felt just like a scene from a movie. Her lungs were full so her breaths were shallow and gaspy.
> 
> I was so strong and brave. I told her it was ok
> 
> She is looking at me and I just know. She's hurting for me, for us, so badly.
> She knows and cant do a thing. Her mama heart is breaking for ours breaking.
> 
> Im going to go crazy. I cant live thru this much hurt.
> 
> I accept hugs from the family, politely say thank you for the "if you need anything at all.."
> 
> I understood the true meaning of temporary insanity.
> 
> I'll go the rest of my life missing her.


I am so so sorry. This is me too, it is shocking to read how closely our experiences are, we were so blessed to have such deep love and someone on our side with unconditional and unfailing love yet so cursed to have our favorite woman in the whole world taken from us way too young.


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## just__angel

Hows your week been Ladies?

Im 30 weeks pregant and in full hormonal glory ;-)

Was miserable last night. Sat at my brand-spankin new sewing machine wishing mom could show me how to use it. Decided it was a good night to loosen that cap and let some of the shaken-bottle-of-soda feeling to escape so..I put on the "MOM CD." lol. The kids know this cd well enough to know that if its playing to just give me til its over.

Do you have a mom cd? Or just certain songs that engulf you in memories?


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## Mommy2Austin

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *just__angel*
> 
> Hows your week been Ladies?
> 
> Im 30 weeks pregant and in full hormonal glory ;-)
> 
> Was miserable last night. Sat at my brand-spankin new sewing machine wishing mom could show me how to use it. Decided it was a good night to loosen that cap and let some of the shaken-bottle-of-soda feeling to escape so..I put on the "MOM CD." lol. The kids know this cd well enough to know that if its playing to just give me til its over.
> 
> Do you have a mom cd? Or just certain songs that engulf you in memories?


I have certain songs that can set me off. I try to avoid them. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant  Gotta love the hormones.


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## McGucks

I am so joining this! My mom died in June of 2010, but she completely cut me out of her life when I was about 20. I don't have time to write more or read everyone's posts right now, but I feel relieved to be a part of this. I feel the same as a PP in that my relationship with my MIL is not great and pretty annoying...and sad because I wish our DS had a grandma that I truly loved. I do get really jealous of other women who have wonderful relationships with their MILs or moms. I have found my sadness about this (and my lack of a relationship with my mom when she was alive) to have really increased since I had my second child and hit 40. Will look forward to being around this tribe. My dad and younger brother are both dead, too, so I have a lot of feelings of emptiness and the like. Thanks to whoever started it and to all who are participating and sharing their stories.


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## ExpectantMama19

I'm glad to have found this thread on here. I lost my mom when I was 7. It was really sudden, so I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. We went to bed one night, and when I woke up the next morning, I went into her bedroom to wake her up, and I couldn't. I kept shaking her and calling her, and I was confused as to why she wasn't waking up, but I just FELT that something wasn't right. I went to my grandmother's room and told her I couldn't wake up my mom. After waking up my grandpa, older brother, and twin sister, my grandma tells us that she was "gone to a better place." I don't remember much of the next few weeks, or even the next few years. i know they were tough for me, and I've repressed most of those years until my grandma passed away when I was 11. That opened up the wound from my mom's passing again, and I was inconsolable. Again, I've repressed most of the next few years, up until the time I turned 17 or so. My dad was never really a part of my life. And I didn't meet him for the first time until right before I turned 18. Of course THAT in and of itself brought forth so many questions that I wished my mom was there to answer. I'm 19 now, and there are memories and feelings rushing back to me, sometimes so painful that they leave me curled in a ball gasping for breath. Knowing that I'm going to be a mom myself soon, I want more than anything to have my mom here to talk to. I want to ask her how she felt when she was pregnant with my siblings and me. My mom was my best friend when I was little. I was her shadow. Wherever she went, you could be sure that I was right there beside her. Growing up has been so hard without her, and I wish more than anything that she were here to witness this wonderful experience with me and to hold her grandbaby and spoil it rotten like I know she would. My heart aches because I know that my children will never know their maternal grandmother and will never get to experience firsthand how much of a wonderful person that she was. I can only hope that I am able to tell them everything I can about her and have them know that she would have loved them very much.


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## amlikam

Is there a more recent thread for us without mamas?


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## CI Mama

Start one!


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## trinity6232000

Has a new thread been started on this topic? I haven't been on Mothering for some time now, but I got an alert that this thread was commented on in my email. If a new one was started let me know. If nobody starts one, I guess I will.  I used to start them every other month so they didn't get too long.


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## amlikam

I started one I thought but cant find the tread on my iPod which is being glitchy tonight. I probably should have come back and linked to redirect. Sorry.


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## amlikam

Ahhh it worked.

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1372435/moms-without-moms-6#post_17233501

Here is te new thread


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