# UPDATE! I spanked and I'm so ashamed.........(long)



## OKMommy (Mar 4, 2005)

:

Hi Mamas,

This is not my usual username. I am too ashamed to use my real one.

Changing DS's (17 months) diapers has been awful since he was about nine months old. He kicks, screams, and flails around most of the time. OCCASIONALLY, if we give him something fun to distract him, he will concentrate on whatever it is and lie still. However, that only seems to work if DH and I are changing him together (which we almost always do, if we are both home). The problem is so bad that we stopped using cloth so that we could change him last often. Another







: .

I am home alone with DS on weekday mornings before he goes to daycare and I go to work (DH leaves the house before 6a). Obviously, this means that I change his diaper alone. This morning, DS had a massive poop that wasn't soupy, but wasn't firm (sorry for the details). To my surprise, he was very willing to go upstairs to be changed. I thought that this was a good sign. Boy, was I wrong.

We got upstairs, and I gave him his favorite lighting toy to play with (reserved for changes). Things seemed to be going well, but then he started to squirm. I remained calm and said, "DS, please lie still for Mommy. We'll be done in a minute." Then, he started to push his legs against my hand. Poop started getting all over the place and I started to lose it. I said, "DS! Please don't start this now! I need to change your diaper! It will be over in a minute! LIE STILL!!!!" Of course, this made him cry and push harder and he was moving so much. I finally took my hand and slapped him quickly and sharply on the side of his thigh. He stopped pushing immediately and started to cry (big surprise, since I hurt him







).

One of the most shameful parts of this whole thing was that for a little while, I felt satisfied because I was able to clean him up and change his diaper with no further problems. By the time I was done, he was smiling, laughing, and acting totally normal. I stood him up to pull his pants up and I saw the pink mark on the side of his thigh. My heart sank. How could I have done this to my sweet, soft little boy? I looked at his face. Although he was smiling, and saying, "Mama!" I could see the old tears on his cheeks, and the tear tracks from his eyes. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry and I kissed him everywhere. He hugged me and put his head on my shoulder.

How could I have done this? This morning, when I was waking him up, I climbed in to bed with him and was looking at him and thinking of how perfect and beautiful he is. I was kissing his feet and legs and whispering to him that the sun rose to see him this morning (this is how I usually wake him). Less than 30 minutes later I was yelling at him and slapped him!?!? What is wrong with me? With all of the lip service that I pay to GD - suddenly I behave this way?!?! I feel like such a LOSER. He deserves better.

Has anyone else been through this? How can I prevent this from happening in the future? It felt as though I was possessed!

Thanks for reading. I love that I have all of you for support.


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## hlkm2e (Aug 24, 2004)

I don't have any good advice for you, my dd is younger, but I didn't want to read and ignore you. First,







I think the most important thing is that you know that this is not the way you want to treat your child. Maybe, take a step back and see how you could change the situation around, I don't know how to do that,but maybe someone else will.


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## mommyofshmoo (Oct 25, 2004)

Big hugs to you!

We all make mistakes and I don't think you need to beat yourself up for too long. You know it was wrong.

I would look at his the same way you would look at dealing with your child's misbehavior- consider the things that caused it and try to figure out solutions so that you won't be in that situation again.

For example, this is why I don't force my dd into clothes. I would end up smacking her.

I only have a girl, but around that age I started to just changer her standing up. would that be possible given your son's activity level, balance, and anatomy? For really gross poopy daips, you could stand him the bathtub or shower maybe?

Howabout considering IPT/EC soon? If you feel an end is in sight maybe you won't have such a hard time.

If he doesn't watch TV, maybe turn on a very short video while you change his poopy diapers. TV is total mind control for kids who never see it.

good luck to you!


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## coopnwhitsmommy (Jan 13, 2005)

I'm sorry! I was there with my #1 ds. What helped was keeping diapers in everyroom so the disruption to his fun was minimal and changing him on the floor so I could lay him between my legs and keep him from squirming so much. it's tricky the first couple of times but it does work. I'm sorry again it's so hard when we lose it even momentarily. We are just human don't worry Your ds knows you love him, and knows it was an accident.


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## OKMommy (Mar 4, 2005)

You guys are so awesome! Thank you!

Those ideas are great!

DS doesn't watch TV, so we could definitely try that for poopy diapers. Standing up might also work - I've always felt that part of the problem is that he doesn't want us to have control over his body (understandable, of course).

EC might be a possibility. He is in daycare five days a week. Can we really EC with a schedule like that? Forgive my ignorance - what is IPT?

When we are home on the weekends, DS is usually in just a snap bottom T-Shirt and an overshirt. So, changes are faster and easier. Unfortunately, it's quite cold where we live (NE US) so he needs to be fully dressed to go to daycare.

When, I get home tonight, I'm going to make sure that there are diapers stashed everywhere! That's a great idea! DS doesn't definitely get upset as we go up the stairs.

Thanks again for all of your support and advice! It means so very much!


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## jessemoon (May 31, 2004)

We all make mistakes as mamas. You know it was a mistake, you know that it isn't something you ever want to do again. Now you need to acknowledge that and move forward. Try to work on the diaper changing issue as a problem that needs solving so that you don't get to that frustrated place again.

We have all flown off the handle in some form or another (yelling, snapping, being rougher than we need to). I am certainly not blameless. Of course it is never right to hit your child, but you are not alone in reaching that frustration point.

I have a dear friend who called me in tears from the library bathroom because she had impulsively slapped her little boy back after he slapped her on the face. She was ashamed and mortified and scared that she had begun the slide down the slippery slope to being a violent mama. She used it as a learning tool and continues to be a fabulous mother who made a mistake. She used the experience to examine what had brought them both to that place and did some reexamining of their routines and interactions and her impulses. She has never hit her son again and he is a fabulous healthy little boy. Of course it shouldn't of happened, but since it did, she made the best of a bad situation and learned from it.

Maybe you could have an assortment of things for him to play with during diaper changes that he is other wise not allowed to have (not dangerous...but not toys either), like fun kitchen gadgets, keys etc. Can you make him a diaper changing puzzle toy by puttiing little items in some sort of small box or bag that he can see into and will need to try to figure out how to get them out during a diaper change? What about having him hold wipes or diaper cream (my son loves to "help")? You may have tried all of this...good luck.

Remember to be gentle with your son _and_ yourself.


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

no advice just had to send you a


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

What do you need mama? Would you like to talk about hitting your child, how that makes you feel, any fears you have or would you appreciate practical help to make sure you don’t get to that place again?


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

BTDT!! And it does seem cyclical for me--the amount of patience I have, etc. I had to stop kicking my butt, remember how crappy I felt, and move on!

We have adopted the, "Let me know when you're ready for a fresh diaper." approach, and that helps a lot.

Sometimes, when it was really going badly at that age I would just do a bath or wash off in the tub--water and toys always help my guy.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Great questions ICM!

And some great advice too. The only thing I would add was talk to your DH about it. I really believe honesty is so important in parenting and I know I would freak if I found out my DP had a spanking moment and didn't talk to me about it.

I've only lost it once with DS, last year, and the first thing I did was call my DP and tell him we were on our way to work to pick him up, that I had lost it with DS and we both needed space and time out from the house, but all together. So we went out for dinner, discussed what happened more specifically and moved on from there. The key was acknowledging what happened and that it was wrong to myself, our son and my partner. I'm a big believer in accountability and when we're accountable to others we are way less likely to slip up again.

I know my DS is older, but I did make it clear right away that I should not have hit him and that no one is allowed to do that: not mommy, daddy, friends anyone and that if it ever happens it doesn't matter who did it he can and should tell someone. I also explained that his behaviour was also not OK (he purposefully broke the legs off two of our kitchen table chairs.) but kept that seperate from my actions so it didn't sound like I was excusing or justifying what I did.

And then I made a plan to try and come up with ways that a similar situation becomes avoidable in the future.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Does it make it any better if you know that others have done the same thing? I too have lost patience and struck my child, so I know how awful it feels when you realize what has happened. I suspect many of us of done exactly the same thing as a result of rising frustration and a sense of urgency. It happens, you know it was wrong, and you are taking steps to make sure you don't get to that place again. Forgive yourself.

As to the actual situation, some things that helped us through difficult diaper changes for toddlers have already been mentioned. I second working with child standing and being able to change in all rooms. I generally only go to the changing table for really poopy diapers at this point -- pee diapers I change anywhere and always allow child to stand or lie down -- her choice. (I have an older son too, so I know it works with both genders.) Unless it is so icky that I have to have her on the changing table, I don't even interupt what she is doing -- I just kneel behind her and change her. About this age I also outlawed shirts with crotch snaps because it only made it harder.

I have also found that when my patience starts to wear thin more often and more easily, it is time to do a "self care check". I ask myself if I am getting as much sleep as possible, when the last glass of water and/or meal was, do I need to use the bathroom, do I need to schedule a kidlet break soon... That sort of basic stuff. I find that I loose track of those things for myself, even if I am careful to monitor the kids for hunger/thirst/sleep needs.

You are human. You are allowed to make mistakes. This will not have any lasting impact on your child. You need to model self-forgiveness for your child and others around you.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Wow, I don't have much to add. . .the pps thought of many more excellent suggestions than I could have!

Here's another trick, though, that may get you through those tough moments (and I hear you-- that diaper change WAS a tough moment). I think to myself,

"What would be the lesser of the two evils at this moment?"

For example, if I am at the point of losing it (and as E and A's mom says, I find that those moments come usually when I am overtired or generally stressed, so a self-check is very important!!!) I give myself two options for my behavior. Neither one of the options might be the "ideal" choice, but one is always better than the other. If I were tempted to hit or yell in your case, my other option might be to let DS stay in the nude, get things gross, while I go to another room and get mad.

ALWAYS give yourself a choice about your behavior (ignore the voice that says, "I MUST do x.") even if, like I said, it isn't a choice that is going to be in the Parenting Hall of Fame (is there such a place?).


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyofshmoo*
.
I would look at his the same way you would look at dealing with your child's misbehavior- consider the things that caused it and try to figure out solutions so that you won't be in that situation again.

This is so well put and I am going to keep it in mind. I am often very hard on myself and don't take lots of factors into account, like I would with my ds. Or indeed, almost anyone else.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius*
ALWAYS give yourself a choice about your behavior (ignore the voice that says, "I MUST do x.") even if, like I said, it isn't a choice that is going to be in the Parenting Hall of Fame (is there such a place?).

Yeah. I also find the really messy toddler poops a big trauma. They do feel imperative, but it's also true that we are going to have clean up anyway, no matter what, so... relaxing can make it easier.

Is your ds walking around? I sometimes change my guy standing up in the bathroom, and that helps. A little.







: When we do a diaper change on the table (really it's a converted bassinet) I let him turn on the radio and the light first. I let him have a toy with him. I make faces. Basically I will do almost anything to get him to be mellow while I deal with poop.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

For messy poops I used to put my kids in the tub and clean their bums under warm running water. It was way easier than trying to do it with wipes.


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## OKMommy (Mar 4, 2005)

Thanks mammas for all of the wonderful replies! I really needed to feel that I'm not a terrible mommy for doing this, and that other wonderful mommies have been there. And, I appreciate all of the wonderul ideas for making changes easier. I am so thankful for your candor and warm feelings.

ICM, I think that I really wanted to hear that others have BTDT as well as practical ideas for making changes easier. Who knows, if these wonderful ideas work for us maybe we can return to cloth!









I did tell DH right away, as DS and I were driving to daycare. He is a wonderful, understanding man. I told him that I was planning to post, and he thought that was a great idea. He was very happy, and thankful, for all of your replies. We are going to read together tonight after DS goes to bed.

I think that I need to work to make life less stressful, or in the short term, work on being less stressed out about life!

Love to everyone!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

You're human, and you're not perfect. I've lost my temper and spanked too.

IMO, the important thing is recognizing that spanking is NOT a good thing and working to change our behavior. There are people who actually advocate spanking as a discipline tool!! The fact that you felt ashamed after spanking him is a GOOD thing.


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## Dechen (Apr 3, 2004)

I pin my 17 month old down for poopy diaper changers. Would that work with your son?

Basically I put my feet on the top of her arms so she can't go anywhere. Then I wipe like lightening. :LOL This works for my toddler but not for a friend's, so I have no idea if it would be helpful to you. I wanted to throw it out there.

My dd will fuss and kvetch about it, but mildly enough to make it our best option.


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## terrarose (Dec 2, 2004)

I don't even try to get ds to lie down, it just wouldn't work. Poopy butts go straight in the tub. Before he started using the potty in the day (he still needs a dipe at night), I tore my carpets up and just wiped up the mess and mopped well at night. It was just easier than dipers. At night, i get him to stand somewhere where he can't easily leave, like in front of the mirror on the bathroom counter and diaper hm standing. I guess the key is to find whatever is easiest for you. I'm glad you see the slap as a sign that omething needs to change and posted for ideas.

Dechen, we all have to make our own decisions for what is best for our families but I'm just wondering if there is a different way for you to get tdiaper on without pinning your dc down? I know that creative parenting takes more effort sometimes but I think in the long run, it is well worth it.


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## Petranis (Feb 15, 2005)

I find it really worrying that you didnt have more control with such a young child. At least you knew it was wrong though. I mean hitting a 17 month old and leaving a mark. You must ensure this doesnt happen again or what will you be doing when he is 10? At least you have had the courage to talk about it. I cant give you any support though as I am too alarmed.


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## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Petranis*
I find it really worrying that you didnt have more control with such a young child.

I mean hitting a 17 month old and leaving a mark.

You must ensure this doesnt happen again or what will you be doing when he is 10?

At least you have had the courage to talk about it.

I cant give you any support though as I am too alarmed.


I don't usually visit this board, but I did want to read this thread, and I'm sorry but I have to say that I'm suprised you would say something like this. If you read her post, and it seems you didn't read it all, then you can almost read the pain in her heart she has from hitting her child. And if you have children, which I'm assuming (but that makes an @$$ out of you and me) you do, or are planning to, then you should know that it's not always easy to get a child to cooperate. He (the child in question) is apparently used to most of his changes by both parents, and his daycare provider, perhaps his father has just as much trouble changing him when he's alone too.

I have a 3 yr old who is still in diapers, and he doesn't always like being changed (and who ever posted about saying 'when your ready for a change let me know, works great for us, but sometimes we gotta go NOW! lol) and when we 'gotta go now' he usually fusses and will try to kick me, ect. It's not that I can't 'control' my child, it's that he is young and has a mind of his own. Her child is even younger, not even 1.5 yrs old, it's difficult for a child that age to grasp exactly what is expected of him!! Please before you decide to say such things to someone perhaps you should get to know people on the board a little better (seeing as it's your first post as well) and have a heart, she came saying " I know what I did was wrong, it isn't something I set out to do, and I FEEL HORRIBLE!!"

Sorry I've said my peace, to the mama who started the thread, GOOD FOR YOU FOR ASKING FOR HELP AND ADMITTING THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE WHAT YOU DID! I APPLAUDE YOU. (not in the spank, but in the asking for ideas and help)


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## terrarose (Dec 2, 2004)

Petranis, the reason she is here is becuase she knows it is wrong and wants ideas and help so that it DOESN"T happen again. We all come from various upbringings and pasts and we are all human. We all do things that aren't great but being willing to learn from those thing and move on is what will be important in our children's lives in the long run. When people feel attacked, they are less likely to post and get the help they need which, IMO, doesn't do anybody any good! Guilt can make you hang on to things(and then repeat them) instead of learning, letting go and moving on.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Let's let the non-supportive post go. Please.


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## placenta (Feb 9, 2005)

when i realized when i did it that it was ALL me, NOTHING to do with him.

i don't actually believe that the diaper situation is particularly the problem, although i'm sure some help with that will be a positive.

for me losing it was definitely all about how *I* responded to a situation in one case, and my kid did nothing to like, bring on the situation (intentionally or not).

like, maybe if you were in a better mood, you would have just waited longer and been more patient with the diaper wrangling. or maybe there is something else stressing you out? or some other frustration? maybe it is just the impatience of still doing the diaper thing, lawd knows that can seem like forever.

anyway, that's my $.02. make sure you take some time for thought on how to take care of the YOU part of the situation, because this time it may be the diaper change that is the last straw, next time it could be a dinnertime drama, etc., who knows.

good luck and hugs...
e


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

No advice (though you've gotten some great ideas), just hugs.


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## Dechen (Apr 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *terrarose*
Dechen, we all have to make our own decisions for what is best for our families but I'm just wondering if there is a different way for you to get tdiaper on without pinning your dc down? I know that creative parenting takes more effort sometimes but I think in the long run, it is well worth it.

I am not sure why I'd want to look for a different solution right now? It works, and I don't see the harm.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

So, now you know you're not perfect. You can be pushed, can snap.

Ok. So now that you know that, you'll be more prepared the next time, you've gotten some tips here. Don't waste time feeling guilty and awful, just learn to do better.

I hate squirmy diaper changes!

Give yourself a break. You do the best you can, every day. We all screw up form time to time.


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## GatorNNP (May 17, 2004)

Okay, here are some thoughts.....
start with your favorite dipes (yes the easiest or "coolest" so dh will use them too [if you have that trouble]) so you look forward to the first few changes.

then start a before diaper tradition (like a song, if your poopy and you know it!)

Okay, then break out a cookie, or popsicle or string cheese or some other coveted snack... while starting the change....

after the old dipe is off and toddler is wiped (at least the big carpet harming chunks)....

time for a Mini-bath, in the sink in front of the mirror for lots of silly face games, a little soap and water full blast for bubble action. get a little wet and pretend it is soooo funnny.

time for new dipe. Get kiddo from towel to dipe as fast as possible. If wiggly/squirmy, try belly-zirbits (rasberry, whatever you call it)

blow the zirbit and gently use your forehead while kid is laughing to keep him in place while you fasten the diaper. Wa-lah

then allow to "escape" while you try to catch and put on onesie before new diaper is unfastened.

Adjust strategy to the personality of your child.


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## I'm A CocoNut (Jul 22, 2004)

I must absolutely agree with DoulaMommy....

Is your child maybe now anticipating your stress level and also playing off of that a little too? I've not dealt with this particular diaper dillemma...but I have dealt with the lost temper dillemma(am I spelling that right??) As far as I can tell, none of us anywhere is perfect...tempers and patience are tricky businesses...recognizing a behavior we do not want to continue shows amazing strength and courage. We are humbled by our mistakes every day. They help us grow and become better people. Your description of how the diaper change ended and your ds's smiles and love and your love and apologies has helped to show him how to fix mistakes. That mistakes are not the end of the world...we still love each other. A mistake and abuse are not the same thing...which is what it seems a pp was implying.








to you...
Jennifer


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

BTW . . .even though I love cloth, I vote that your sanity comes first. Stick with the 'sposies if that's what works!!!!


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Petranis*
I find it really worrying that you didnt have more control with such a young child. At least you knew it was wrong though. I mean hitting a 17 month old and leaving a mark. You must ensure this doesnt happen again or what will you be doing when he is 10? At least you have had the courage to talk about it. I cant give you any support though as I am too alarmed.

I find it worrying that you are being so judgemental and that you obviously have unbelievable control as you yourself have never made a mistake that possibly hurt someone else...physically? or maybe _just_ emotionally?








Since it is your 1st post I will chalk it up as







or...now why did they take that troll icon out?







I can't really decide right now though as I am too alarmed at your lack of support.







:


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## Petranis (Feb 15, 2005)

I dont see that how many posts I have made makes a jot of difference to my thoughts and feelings!


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## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Petranis*
I dont see that how many posts I have made makes a jot of difference to my thoughts and feelings!

It makes a difference because you are joining a COMMUNITY.
And when you are new to a community, you do not just jump in and jump all over people. Particularly people who are hurting and asking for support.

MDC is a special place.
It has grown a great deal recently, but it is still a place where people come for safe space to share and learn. Sometimes to debate too. Sometimes the conversations here are painful and intense. But it is a community.

It also makes a difference because when you start right off posting abrasive and unsupportive things, you make it impossible for the rest of the community to know whether you are a troll or not. And trolls are incredibly disruptive to internet communities like MDC.

You need to BACK OFF and introduce yourself and take some time to get a feel for this community.
We don't jump all over people who are sincere in sharing their pain, learning from their mistakes and seeking help here.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Petranis*
I dont see that how many posts I have made makes a jot of difference to my thoughts and feelings!


Maybe offending people in a new community you wish to become part of isn't a great idea. And we aren't all here to truthfully express our thoughts and feelings. We are here to support each other as we try to parent, often in a way drastically different than our own parents.

How many kids you have, how long you've been a parent, what YOUR experiences are, affect your advice. Since it was your first post, we don't know if you have any kids, or a clue. THis is your 'first impression'.

If you've never lost your temper, than you are just a fantastic person. OR maybe you haven't been tested. Yet. But someday it could be YOU who needs support and help. Maybe you'll lose your temper with your teen. Do you want to be attacked? Or would you like to talk to folks who'll offer new ways of doing things?

Hmm, I'd apologize to the op and blame it on hormones, if I were you!


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## nuggetsmom (Aug 7, 2002)

Please forgive yourself. It was a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes, and it is OK.







ignore the dissenters, and know that we have all been at the end of our ropes. In fact tonight I was just done, and had to let DH take over (thankfully he was home) because I had visions of horrible things in my head. Mothering is a learning process and the more you forgive yourself, the better you are able to learn.
I have no diaper changing tips though. I try to change them standing up. With DD1 I changes her at the sink while she was playing with water


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## OKMommy (Mar 4, 2005)

Hi Mamas!

Thank you for your supportive replies! They mean more than you know! I'm sorry that I haven't posted a reply - I've been busy at the office and haven't had a chance to go online, and then MDC was down.....

So, we've definitely made progress in the diaper changing arena! I talk to DS about his morning diaper change before we do the deed. I tell him that his diaper seems full and that we should change it so that he has a dry bottom, and I let him pick out a toy to hold. He gets to stand for wet diapers, but I explain that he must lie down for poopy diapers. I keep him engaged and thank him every step of the way (he ADORES the term, "Thank you."). It's working!

Unfortunately, I need to wake DS most mornings because I WOH and rely on scheduled public transportation to get to work (after I drop him off at daycare by car). I've been waking him about 10 minutes early so that I don't feel so rushed to get through the diaper change. "Scheduling" extra time so far seems to work.

Again, thank you thank you thank you all for your support! Your ideas, your understanding, your sharing of experiences, and of course your support against unsupportive contributions (the type of thing, obviously, that made me feel the need to go undercover







: )

I LOVE YOU GUYS! (DS thanks you too because diaper changes are a lot more fun when the diaper talks to you about how much it wants to be on your bottom! :LOL )


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *asherah*
It makes a difference because you are joining a COMMUNITY.
And when you are new to a community, you do not just jump in and jump all over people. Particularly people who are hurting and asking for support.

MDC is a special place.
It has grown a great deal recently, but it is still a place where people come for safe space to share and learn. Sometimes to debate too. Sometimes the conversations here are painful and intense. But it is a community.

It also makes a difference because when you start right off posting abrasive and unsupportive things, you make it impossible for the rest of the community to know whether you are a troll or not. And trolls are incredibly disruptive to internet communities like MDC.

You need to BACK OFF and introduce yourself and take some time to get a feel for this community.
We don't jump all over people who are sincere in sharing their pain, learning from their mistakes and seeking help here.


Amen, and Alleluia (even though it's lent)


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