# How do you deal with 3 1/2 year old's temper tantrums



## shoefairy3 (Jun 15, 2006)

Without completely loosing your minds









Everyday...if Promise doesnt get her way (in one form or another) she will have a full fledge all out kicking and screaming tantrum. The thing is...she isnt that spoiled...i rarely "give in" to her rantings, but i feel like i am not teaching her to deal with her own emotions.

Currently, when she is screaming...she gets taken to her room until she can talk nice to me. But obviosly this is not working b/c she still continues to rant and rave when she doesnt get her way.

I will take any and all sugestions







:


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## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

I think we need a forum just for 3 y/o issues.









3.5 years is a tough age, if you read through a lot of the posts on here, you'll see that a lot of them have to do with 3 year olds.









I think this is a time when they are realizing they do and can have control over things, and well, they try and control everything they can sometimes (well at least in my case with my 3.5 y/o DD







).

I am very strong willed, stubborn, pig headed sometimes and can be rather defiant some days too, and well, my DD is very much the exact same way, so it makes for some interesting situations







.

What I have found that works for my DD, is to respect her, validate how she is feeling and let her know she is being heard. Basically I treat her and talk to her (and DS too, he is 2) the way I would like to be treated. I don't try to control her anymore which has resulted in no more power struggles between her and I - and it is sooooooooooo nice not fighting with her for control. If she is throwing a fit, I try to step back and look at why she is feeling the way she is (ie is she tired, over stimulated, is she fed up with her little brother teasing her all day etc etc) and that helps. And also, sometimes a million times a day, I keep reminding myself how *I* felt when I was 3 and what it was like to be a child. But for me, just knowing what might be setting her off or making even little things seem huge to her, really helps me to not lose my patience with her because I can empathize more with her that way.

I let her know I hear how she's feeling (ie I understand you are mad/frustrated/sad etc because you can't do zyx right now) and for her, just the simple fact that she feels heard and validated goes a long way. It doens't mean I'm permissive, I'm consistent, if I say no, I mean no (for example). But I do try and empathize with her and I also try and make sure that what I am requesting of her, or saying no to and what not, is reasonable.

But basically I just decided I am not engaging in power struggles with her and I've found just by doing that, she is much happier, more helpful, she is much more patient and willing to listen now herself and she is much calmer, and I try and give her little things she has control over. It's not all roses of coures, but it is definitely an improvement from where we used to be.

So next time your DD has a melt down, take a deep breath, step back for a moment and ask your self how you would like to be talked to and treated if you were feeling the same way and then go from there (and if that sounds snotty the way I typed it, I don't mean it to!







) That is what has truly worked for me, just doing that. And ya, some days it is sooooo hard to do that I know







but it's really the most effective thing I have found that works for us in our home.

HTH!









And btw, Welcome to MDC!


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## Tonia80 (Jun 10, 2006)

My son is 3 and when he gets to screaming I kneel down and whisper to him. Usually he will stop to try to hear me. I say calm reassuring things like understanding he is upset and I love him but he cannot scream cuz it hurts mommy's ears. If he is so wound up he doe snot stop I realize he needs a time out so he is brought to his room. He usually will lay on his bed with his blankey and be calm within a minute or two and then will seek me for some love.


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## shoefairy3 (Jun 15, 2006)

Thanks for the advice and welcome









Usually when she is screaming...she isnt talk-to-able







adn i think 9 times outta 10 mommy needs the time out







We are trying to take one tantrum at a time and hear's hoping she grows out of this phase asap


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Yeah, 3 is hard. When DS gets mad, I stand by his side reassuringly. I try to hug but he will push me away and I respect it by not keep trying....

He comes out of it on his own and we try to talk about his problem and I kiss him and he goes about his way.

I think they mostly just want validation in their little feelings.


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## siouxm (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz*
I think we need a forum just for 3 y/o issues.









3.5 years is a tough age, if you read through a lot of the posts on here, you'll see that a lot of them have to do with 3 year olds.









I think this is a time when they are realizing they do and can have control over things, and well, they try and control everything they can sometimes (well at least in my case with my 3.5 y/o DD







).

I am very strong willed, stubborn, pig headed sometimes and can be rather defiant some days too, and well, my DD is very much the exact same way, so it makes for some interesting situations







.

What I have found that works for my DD, is to respect her, validate how she is feeling and let her know she is being heard. Basically I treat her and talk to her (and DS too, he is 2) the way I would like to be treated. I don't try to control her anymore which has resulted in no more power struggles between her and I - and it is sooooooooooo nice not fighting with her for control. If she is throwing a fit, I try to step back and look at why she is feeling the way she is (ie is she tired, over stimulated, is she fed up with her little brother teasing her all day etc etc) and that helps. And also, sometimes a million times a day, I keep reminding myself how *I* felt when I was 3 and what it was like to be a child. But for me, just knowing what might be setting her off or making even little things seem huge to her, really helps me to not lose my patience with her because I can empathize more with her that way.

I let her know I hear how she's feeling (ie I understand you are mad/frustrated/sad etc because you can't do zyx right now) and for her, just the simple fact that she feels heard and validated goes a long way. It doens't mean I'm permissive, I'm consistent, if I say no, I mean no (for example). But I do try and empathize with her and I also try and make sure that what I am requesting of her, or saying no to and what not, is reasonable.

But basically I just decided I am not engaging in power struggles with her and I've found just by doing that, she is much happier, more helpful, she is much more patient and willing to listen now herself and she is much calmer, and I try and give her little things she has control over. It's not all roses of coures, but it is definitely an improvement from where we used to be.

So next time your DD has a melt down, take a deep breath, step back for a moment and ask your self how you would like to be talked to and treated if you were feeling the same way and then go from there (and if that sounds snotty the way I typed it, I don't mean it to!







) That is what has truly worked for me, just doing that. And ya, some days it is sooooo hard to do that I know







but it's really the most effective thing I have found that works for us in our home.

HTH!









And btw, Welcome to MDC!









WOW! This sounds exactly like me. I am stubborn and bull-headed, and recently decided that giving up the power struggle is on my shoulders. I began reading "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" and love the concepts. (It sounds like you have already read the book, if not, you seem to have the concepts down pat.)

My little non-emotional 2 1/2 year old has become my very sensitive 3 year old. I think she now feels safe to show me how she feels because I am validating her feelings. But it could just be the age.


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