# throwing a baby shower for a baby who won't live



## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

I'm posting this in a couple of different places for some perspectives, and I hope it's okay to post it here. My mom is friends with a young woman who is about 34 weeks pregnant. The baby has chromosomal abnormalities and some major organ problems and the parents have been told that if he survives the delivery he will not live more than three weeks. The mom would like for someone to throw her a baby shower and I think I've been elected (I've never met the mom). I'm a little unsure about what to do for the shower, and others I've talked to are at a loss as well as far as what to do for gifts, whether to play games, etc. I was thinking I would probably suggest that people bring gifts that would be immediately practical (ie a few outfits in newborn or preemie sizes, maybe bottles for if he can't or is unable to nurse, diapers, etc) or perhaps things that they could bury with him if they chose to or keep to remember him by like stuffed animals, blankets, or picture frames.

Thoughts?


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## Sophiasmomma (Jun 16, 2004)

wow thats tough.
well if she wants the shower then I guess she is prepared to get things that may or may not be pratical for her situation KWIM?


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Yes, I would definitely recommend items that will be useful, particularly the remembrance items. I wish I had gotten a casting of Audrey's footprints and handprints, so that's one suggestion. Scrapbooking supplies like an album, paper, stickers, etc would be helpful because many moms like to make a scrapbook. Of course, not all baby-themed scrapbooking supplies will be appropriate, but many things will even though they aren't intended for that purpose. This site sells quotes on vellum specifically for moms who have suffered a loss: http://www.pregnancylossribbons.com/...ellumquote.htm.
I also received this memory box that had an engraved name plate on it, which I keep some of Audrey's baby clothes in. http://www.thingsremembered.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/TRproduct_10001_9951_999570116____4454____1_~|~|~| ~|~|~
Gift cards to restaurants would also be appreciated, so that she will be able to get out and have a nice dinner (or get to go if she doesn't want to go out). You could also give her gifts for her, like lotion and body wash, or gift cards for a massage.

As far as the shower itself, I wouldn't recommend games, as I can't imagine she would be interested in that sort of thing. Maybe the guests can have a chance to write a special message to the baby and to her, like "I can't wait to see your sweet face", "You are loved and wanted", "Your mommy loves you", etc. She could put those messages in the memory box or scrapbook. Basically, I wouldn't try to make the occasion happy, but also don't make it too somber either. Her baby is STILL a blessing, and she's STILL proud of him. Honor her as a mother and recognize the gift of her baby. Allow her to laugh, grieve, cry, talk, whatever.

You're on the right track, and I applaud you for trying to be sensitive and helpful to this momma. Best wishes for the shower, and blessings on you and her.


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## Soogie (Feb 7, 2002)

I had a friend of mine have her son diagnosed with anecephaly at 20 weeks. She and her husband had decided to carry him to term and whatever path was laid before them, they wre going to take. They knew deep down that he was not going to survive. But they didn't want their pregnancy to be all doom and gloom. They wanted to celebrate him. And they did that by treating their pregnancy as "normal" as possible. They took Bradley classes. She took care of her body by eating well, she exercised. They set up a nursery knowing that he would never see it. But it helped them through the process. And all the people around them, friends, family, their church community all wanted to celebrate him as well. They threw her a shower and she received everything from handmade gifts, tokens that were made for his remembrance, and everyday baby items. She also received word that all of these people had donated funds to bring her parents to the US to be their for the birth of their grandson. The day was truly a celebration.

This is probably the mind set of this young mom. She just wants her baby to be celebrated, loved, and remembered. We didn't play games at my friends shower but one of the most poignant and memorable things we did was make a blessing necklace. Everyone in attendance was given a bead and then we went around and each gave a blessing. And a necklace was strung with each of the blessings for her baby. We also recorded what we had said into 2 separate books. A memory book for my friend and a little journal that was tucked beside and buried with their son.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Soogie* 
Everyone in attendance was given a bead and then we went around and each gave a blessing. And a necklace was strung with each of the blessings for her baby.

I think this is a wonderful idea. Anything practical during those first weeks and remembrance items would be good gifts. And everyone else is absolutely correct in that just because they know he won't survive doesn't mean they want to celebrate his birth any less. He is their child and they want to make what little time he has special.

It's very nice of you to do this.


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## Sarah W (Feb 9, 2008)

Honestly, I think it is a wonderful idea. She is going to lose her child, but she'll get the chance to love and celebrate him.

You can always also buy presents for the mother, too.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I think smth along the lines of a Blessingway would be wonderful. A Blessingway prepares, empowers and blesses the woman as she prepares to go through a transition. So, words can be read for encouragement, comfort and blessing. Perhaps poems, or songs sang together.
I think commemorative gifts will be glad. Maybe everyone can bring a square of fabric to be made into a quilt, in memory of the baby.

I can imagine this is a difficult thing to organize, but it will mean so much to the brave couple. My heart goes out to them.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I would have a Blessingway. Its mainly about the mom and everyone brings a personal handmade gift, poem, food. My sons urn is wrapped in a blanket I received at my blessingway. I am so grateful to have that afternoon with women that love me and the bonds made. I would also ask each mom that attends whatever "party" you decide that they bring the mom a dish after the baby is born so she doesn't have to worry about food that is a wonderful gift, it made weeks so much easier. My friends brought meals to me for 3 months I can't tell you how wonderful that was all the way to the end.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

I have a coworker whose child was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, so very similar situation here. The mom's MOPS group at church gave her a blessing shower and prayed over her, offered blessings to the family, and gave gifts to enrich the family as a whole, spiritually and in their time celebrating the life of their daughter while they had her. I know they were very touched by their non-traditional shower.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

I think that this is a wonderful thing that you are doing. I agree with everyones input. I have regrets about how many pictures that I have of Michael... I wish I had more. Maybe making sure she has a working camera is another idea.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

gift certificate to a jewelry store.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

I think the little hand and feet print set ideas are great. As is making sure she has a nice camera and can take many pictures of her baby.

Maybe suggest everyone bring a flower and she can have a beautiful boquet and can preserve the flowers if she chooses? Just nice things that bring pleasant memories of her pregnancy and her child's short life. I think it's wonderful you're throwing her a shower.


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## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)

Can you suggest gifts to the guests? The mama might appreciate a "new mama" basket with postpartum comfort products in addition to gifts celebrating her baby. This site might give you ideas.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Also for the guests that come I would suggest a votive in a small holder that they can burn when after she has him for prayer


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

If they already know what the baby's name is, anything with that name engraved or stitched on will be welcome.

As for the shower, I would avoid games, but emphasize the blessing of children, and do anything that creates a saveable memory. An art project for at the shower itself might be good.

You are very kind to take this hard task on.


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## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

I just did the shopping for a welcome baby gift for the my coworkers baby born this week and not expected to live long...

I found a thing called "Seeds of Life". It's a tree starting / planting kit and they ship a seed that will do well in the zip where it's going to be planted, and there's all the starter stuff to get it going, and then it can be transplanted outside to commemorate the person's life/birth/passing.

I think it'll be really neat b/c it's something they can do to celebrate the baby's life with their children helping (4 & 2) to start the seed, move it out to the yard, and then watch it grow together as a family.


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

Earth Mama Angel Baby has some gifts intended for mamas surviving loss...

As far as a shower? There are no guarantees in this life. It's unfair to say that the baby "won't live," since the baby is living, and may live past birth. How long does a life have to be, to be "lived"? Besides, any "ordinary" baby shower may turn out to have been held for a baby who doesn't live very long, as life is fragile and unpredictable.

To hold a shower for this woman is to recognize that her baby's life matters, just as all our lives matter. The lack of this recognition is a common source of added grief for the already grieving mothers here. Yes, the typical frivolity of this type of occasion should be toned down, and all those on the invite list should be well aware of the circumstances. Still, this mother deserves to be congratulated and celebrated, as well as being supported and comforted, through the presence of her family and friends, at one of the precious few events that will ever be held in honor of her baby, who lived, and lives, if only for a short while.


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## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kaylee18* 
Yes, the typical frivolity of this type of occasion should be toned down, and all those on the invite list should be well aware of the circumstances.

Unfortunately the mother doesn't seem to feel this way--she talked to my mom today and she's wanting a big shebang complete with games and festivity. I'm starting to wonder if I should have volunteered for this, especially now that I've learned that she has family in town that she has a good relationship with (her cousin wants to be the co-host) and other friends. I guess I volunteered thinking she really didn't have anyone here, and now I don't quite understand why she didn't ask people who actually know her to throw the shower...especially since I'm roping people I know who don't know her into attending out of sheer goodwill and sympathy for her. Oh well, I'm sure it will all turn out okay in the end.


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

Tradition says family should not be involved in arranging a shower. However, if she does have friends in the area who know her better than you do, the best thing may be to step down at this point, telling the friend who asked you to do it that you are happy to help, but that the guest of honor deserves to have a party planned by those who know her best.

I don't think she would have asked anyone to throw a shower for her, since that would be considered rude. Rather, a friend probably asked her if she would like one, and then (for some reason) asked you to take it on.

No one can take advantage of you without your consent. If you actually want to take this on, and she is already aware a shower is being planned, you may want to contact her directly to ask what she would prefer (it could still be a surprise as to the time and day, of course, if that's what she would like).


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

EarthMama Angel Baby has some wonderful gifts - my sister gave me a small heart shaped heating pad, and I will cherish it forever. I would heat it up and cuddle with it at night, when I should have been cuddling my warm little baby. It offered some small measure of comfort.

You could also, for a "game", have packets of premie/newborn onsies that the shower guests paint and decorate for the baby. I would avoid the tasting-the-baby food games, as this baby isn't going to get to eat baby foods. You might have a game where folks try and name the baby, if they haven't named him/her already. If they have, you could have guests try and think of a word for each letter of the baby's name . . . .


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

OMG...this whole thread has me


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## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kaylee18* 
Tradition says family should not be involved in arranging a shower. However, if she does have friends in the area who know her better than you do, the best thing may be to step down at this point, telling the friend who asked you to do it that you are happy to help, but that the guest of honor deserves to have a party planned by those who know her best.

I don't think she would have asked anyone to throw a shower for her, since that would be considered rude. Rather, a friend probably asked her if she would like one, and then (for some reason) asked you to take it on.

No one can take advantage of you without your consent. If you actually want to take this on, and she is already aware a shower is being planned, you may want to contact her directly to ask what she would prefer (it could still be a surprise as to the time and day, of course, if that's what she would like).

The family-not-planning shower thing must not be very well known--all but one of the showers I've been to, and all but one of mine were thrown by family







And the co-host was happy to have help with the shower--I don't think she quite knew what to do herself. She (co-host) seemed perfectly happy with the plans that I'd come up with. My mom is kind of the go-between messenger and she told the mom that if she wants a fancier party than I'd planned, she and the co-host are welcome to make those plans for themselves. I don't have the energy or the money to plan anything bigger than what I've already planned at this point.

No, she did ask someone to throw a shower for her and was turned down (long story). I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of, I just don't quite understand why she didn't ask someone she knows well to host the shower (since she wasn't shy about asking in the first place). And I do think she has slightly unrealistic expectations about the shower, as far as how big of a bash it's going to be. I did try to explain the plans to her but I don't think she quite gets it. I guess I feel like if someone goes to the trouble of throwing you a baby shower, you should just be happy about it and not try to direct it (at least that's the way I felt about my baby showers)...obviously she feels differently. I do hope that she is not going to be expecting a lot of big or expensive gifts, as that is not what she's going to be getting, at least not from anybody I've invited. These are people who don't generally have a lot of money and tend to spend maybe $15 on baby shower gifts normally, so I hope she's not going to expect $50 gifts (I know these are the norm at many baby showers, but not with this group of people).


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

No, the family-not-planning-shower thing (more specifically, family-not-hosting-shower thing) isn't well followed anymore. It does tend to be better followed for bridal showers than for baby showers these days.

I am surprised she lacked the social grace not to ask for a shower. One hopes she'll show more manners at the event itself, and not look askance at the value of the gifts that are given. I suppose it's possible she's trying to focus on happy things such as the shower planning, maybe to keep her mind off the future? It does seem rather strange that she'd want an all-out celebration, but to each her own, I guess.

I just noticed that EMAB has a special website for birth loss and thought I'd share it.


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## dismalgrrrl (Apr 14, 2008)

You might also try contacting the prenatal hospice organization. They may have some ideas as well. They also have a number of resources for families facing this situation. Their website is www.perinatalhospice.org


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## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

An update for anyone who's interested...the shower was Saturday. There were about half a dozen members of mom's family there, and then 4 others that I'd invited. We did the usual foods, played a few games (at mom's request), and had scrapbook stuff for everyone to make a page so mom can add pictures after the baby is born and have a nice album. Mom got a few preemie outfits, a memory box, a hand and foot print framed kit, and a few other things. I think it went fairly well, mom was reasonably happy and most of the guests had a good time. I'm glad I hadn't met the mom in advance, though, as she turned out to be rather loud & opinionated, controlling, and obnoxious. (And after meeting more of her family, I'm quite certain it's a personality thing and not stress-related in any way!) Basically the type of person that gets on my last nerve really fast, and I would have had a real hard time planning the baby shower if I'd had to work closely with her on it. Oh well, it's done and hopefully she'll have some good memories to take away from it.


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