# What do I do about a daughter shoplifting?



## yorkshiremama (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi all, I'm a bit of a lurker on here. I usually read the posts about bf and toddlers.
I have a 16 1/2 yr old dd. Never given me a moments trouble. I was wondering what the catch was!
She is an A* pupil in 6th form (I think you call it 11th grade in the US? it's not compulsory over here).
She dances 5 days a week at 2 separate dance schools, one of which she gained a scholarship to a top college for, by her own choice.
She is miserable at the moment... all her friends get to go out drinking (alcohol) seeing boys and basically having what she thinks is a great time.
She thinks I am holding her back, but not as much as she thinks her dad is (we are not together and haven't been since dd birth)
I try and explain to her that me and her dad are not overbearing or smothering her but that her friend's parents are slack. She doesn't have a great relationship with her dad, he is quite overbearing and hasn't exactly been a great role model in her life although he is trying now. Probably too late. He has never paid me maintenance and used to be very hit and miss about visiting dd. He is also a bit 'dodgy', wheeler and dealer type, and dd has suspected him of shoplifting/fiddling and has never had a full time job in all the time I've known him.
My dilemma is this. My dd got caught shoplifting last week, which blew my world apart.
I'm not sure if she has done it before, whether she would have done it again if she wasn't caught. I'm almost certain she wouldn't have told me if she hadn't been found out.
What do I do? I had a long indepth chat with her, not screaming and shouting, I don't do that. She seemed really sorry (for getting caught?) and said she felt like she had acted ungratefully because of the hassle she had caused us all.
I have said for the time being she cannot go to town with her friends. I haven't stopped her seeing her friend who was also caught shoplifting with her. I feel she doesn't have enough social life to impose that on her.
She literally has 2 sundays in a month to see her friends, and the odd hour after school/dance.
Her father and my partner think I'm being too lenient with her. How can I apply the attachment parenting and unconditional love principle to this situation. It's all new to me having a teenager, and a teenager in trouble!

Any suggestions welcomed
Yorkshiremama


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

My dd stole one time, got caught, she went through a "teen court" type of prosecution. (This is where a private community group takes over the charge and handles it with local attorneys acting as the judge and kids as the jury) anyway she has never done it since. She was 13 at the time.
Anyway as far as your other question, I have found a lot of great advice on this site: http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/index.html


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My daughter was caught shoplifting not quite a year ago. She was arrested, put in the back of a police car, and taken to a holding cell (which I thought was fantastic). She was also arrested with another girl. She tried to blame it on me, telling me that I never give her money to buy things (she has the option to earn money doing chores if she wants more than what I am willing to buy her normally) so I grounded her for a month (no computer, phone, going out or having friends over) and she had to do free chores to pay us back for the time and trouble of picking her up at the police station at midnight. I also didn't keep it a secret - I think she was most ashamed of having my parents find out about it.

So far she hasn't reoffended.


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## yorkshiremama (Sep 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
My dd stole one time, got caught, she went through a "teen court" type of prosecution. (This is where a private community group takes over the charge and handles it with local attorneys acting as the judge and kids as the jury) anyway she has never done it since. She was 13 at the time.


That sounds like a brilliant idea. I have only seen once it on tv before. I wonder if it would have more effect as teenagers seem to be more bothered about what their friends/peers think than adults sometimes.
Thanks for the positive discipline site, I have bookmarked it.


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## yorkshiremama (Sep 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BedHead* 
My daughter was caught shoplifting not quite a year ago. She was arrested, put in the back of a police car, and taken to a holding cell (which I thought was fantastic). She was also arrested with another girl. She tried to blame it on me, telling me that I never give her money to buy things (she has the option to earn money doing chores if she wants more than what I am willing to buy her normally) so I grounded her for a month (no computer, phone, going out or having friends over) and she had to do free chores to pay us back for the time and trouble of picking her up at the police station at midnight. I also didn't keep it a secret - I think she was most ashamed of having my parents find out about it.

So far she hasn't reoffended.

I wrote my original post when bleary eyed and didn't really give many details on my daughter's experience.
She was caught by store detectives/cctv, taken into custody by the police and was in a cell for about 6/7 hours, partly because the police weren't ready to interview her until much later and partly because I had to wait for my dp to arrive home to look after my 2ds.
She had a horrible time in the cell. It wasn't a normal police station, it was attached to the magistrates courts in town and it's where they hold criminals before going to court/remand.
The cell was filthy, splattered with blood, stinking toilet and the whole place looked very grim, more like a prison.
She had a lot of deep thoughts, she even at one point thought her recently dead aunt was in the cell with her. I don't know what that was about. (My mother is a Christian and doesn't believe people come back from the dead but mentioned something about angels.)
Dd even made up a dance while in the cell to express how she was feeling. Probably her way of coping. When I arrived to get her and sit with her on the police interview she looked very rough. They also took her fingerprints, photo and DNA. (I was shocked at the taking of her DNA, thought that only happened in major cases) So I was hoping the experience would be enough to shock her.

Her father seems more concerned that she was in the cell so long. He said he would have gone down and got her a lot sooner, which is why I didn't ring him until after I got her out.
He also said he was more bothered about the fact she had her DNA taken rather than the shoplifting itself, because "peoplev have been done for something they didn't so because of DNA". And he has more or less told her this.
Then on the other hand he is saying I'm being too lenient. I haven't yet decided what to. I'm still in shock, and have got her father and my dp in one ear.

I have put a ban on shopping in town for the time being but don't know what else to do that is both effective and appropriate.

She has next to no spare time after her studies and dance course. I feel that by limiting even further her access to friends, ie MSN or cell phone, could drive her into more depression and to reoffend to get a buzz or attention.
I don't know, I'm at a loss. She doesn't open up like she used to so it's hard to know what she's thinking.
One thing I haven't done is tell anyone outside my close family, I feel ashamed for myself. Like I've failed somewhere along the line. Is it because I have 2 smaller ds who take up nearly all my time?

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I haven't done this signature thingy before - do you have to do it every time you post?
Here's hoping it works...

Partner to best friend of 14 yrs, Troubled mum to 16 1/2 yrs DD, Tired but loving it mum to Nursing DS 3 1/2 and Nursing DS 19 mos


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. I can tell you that I was caught as a teen shoplifting on military property. Miraculously, I received no legal issues from it. My friend whose dad was military got community service for I think 6 weeks. My parents grounded me "until further notice", which I think ended up being a month. I was also not allowed to be around the friend I got caught with.

I think disallowing a child around the friend is a mistake. We were both "good girls" at that time and were just curious and wanted to try stealing, I guess to see if we could. She was not a bad influence on me, and vice versa. After that she actually ended up hanging out with the bad group in school and ended up getting killed in a drug related car accident.

I guess thinking more about it I may take this approach:
I would explain that shoplifting affects everyone around you. When you shoplift it causes prices to increase for all of us (long term). For that, you will give back to the community since you have contributed to putting them in a position to pay more for their goods. How about some community service, like volunteering at a nursing home, helping an elderly neighbor rake their yard, take out their trash etc., cleaning up the park, whatever you see that needs doing in your community. I don't know if this seems to harsh, and I don't know fully if I'd take this approach because I just thought of that in 2 minutes while sitting here, but that'd be my first idea.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I think community service is a great idea, that is what my dd was sentenced to in teen court. Also she had to write an apology to the store.


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

It is so hard to give advice to people online sometimes... but wanted to put in my two cents. Which is, that I don't think you are being too lenient. I would really try to talk openly about why, how many times, when was the first time, etc. and really _listen_ to what she has to say.

I was caught shoplifting when I was 13 and it was such a horrible experience -- having to go watch the tape of myself, ride in the police car, go to the youth center and sit in a holding cell, being searched, etc. having to call my dad and ask him to come pick me up, then facing everyone at home, going to court, and doing community service -- that I can honestly say that I am a better person _because_ of the whole experience.

I don't know your dd, but am hoping that this is the case for her, too. That this will put her on the straight and narrow.


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