# Feeling violated at Doctor's Visit



## hennaLisa (Jan 22, 2009)

I would like to know a better way to do doctor visits. We've found a friendly, fun, doc who sings and plays with our son so that he loves her. But today when I brought him for his 2 year check up, something happened that I still feel very uncomfortable with.

Things were going great and then she wanted to look at his tummy and genitals etc. and asked that we lay him down on the paper (I had been holding him). Things moved pretty quickly, so there wasn't much time to think through what was happening from this point on. I tried to lay him down, and he got really upset and scared and started kicking. I picked him up and she said we could try just having me hold him, so she started to try to pull down his pants and lift up his shirt. He was struggling against her and my husband and I found ourselves trying to hold his arms and legs and even help her pull his pants and underwear down. He was screaming as though in agony and I stopped and asked the others to stop. They did. He immediately tried to pull up his pants and pull down his shirt while still sobbing. We tried talking with him and he did calm down, but after a while when our doctor tried again to touch his tummy or genital area, he resisted. She just got a brief check and seemed satisfied enough.

Other than this incident, this doctor has been wonderful and I know that 2 year olds often fight us on things. What do the rest of you do in these situations? Do you insist that the child be treated with dignity, or do you hold them down and get the deed done? I get the impression that doctors are accustomed to the latter.


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## ~cassie (Aug 31, 2009)

Mine have never fought the genital and hip pulse check but our Dr is pretty good at respecting boundaries if the child doesn't want to do a certain part of the checkup. I am fairly confident that I wouldn't force any part of the exam unless it was crucial to their health.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I have not experienced this as a parent, only as a child. I wanted to thank you for telling them to stop and insisting that they respect your son's boundaries. That was a courageous thing to do, however imperfectly you feel that you did it.








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## HeddyBee (Feb 28, 2008)

I would like to hear more thoughts about this. My daughter is very sensitive and hates to have anything done to her, from wiping her nose to any kind of doctor exam. Really, she screams no matter what is being done or how much it actually hurts. I attribute her sensitivity to the med tratments she had as a tiny baby (for clubfoot). It's interesting to hear that others would stop an exam or procedure if the child is uncomfortable. I would love to do that, because I really do believe kids need to have their boundaries respected. But we'd never get her to go along with anything we need her to do. We have opted to do some role playing at home (re-enacting doctor visits) with toy stethoscope, thermometer, etc. so that she can look at and play with the equipment and feel more in control of it. I think it helps when she knows exactly what to expect. Maybe you could talk to your son about the doctor's visit a bit to help him understand what happened and how he felt about it; before an office visit we try to go over what will happen and what her feelings might be.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Can you call ahead next time and work out an exactly-what-will-happen plan with the doc so you can rehearse it at home? My DD is fine at doctor visits (though they never want to see her genitals, unless i took her in because i felt there was a problem with her genitals) but didn't like having to open for the dentist for a good while so we took to "doing dentist" after tooth brushing of an evening (not the morning though as she tended to be higher strung then and found it harder to cooperate). Before a dentist visit we'd run through exactly what was going to happen and it really seemed to help - i bought one of those kits with a metal scraper and a little mirror to practice with. It made a massive difference, and she thoroughly looks forward to dentist visits now.


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## Baby_Cakes (Jan 14, 2008)

I would (gently) hold my DD still for getting her ears checked, eyes checked, or if she were sick and they needed to hear her lungs. But for the hernia/hip thing I wouldn't go to extremes. I think 2 year olds know what being uncomfortable is, and they can be embarrassed. What helps w/my DD (so far) is explaining to her for even a day before what the dr is going to do. I like to get her prepared. I remind her the dr is going to push on her tummy, and check her girl bits really fast, as well as listen to her chest, etc. Usually, no problems. She might get *scared* in the moment, but I just remind her that the dr is going to look and hold her hands, and she might whimper but by that time it's over.

I give you props for stopping the exam. IMO there is no real reason to hold anyone down to do a routine check up. If there were a problem, *maybe*. But no, I think you did the right thing.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

It depends on how necessary something needs to be done.

I would find out what they are going to do at a doctor's appointment and prep him. Try to schedule it during the "good" time of day.

For a basic check up, I would let it slide.

For something more serious that "has to be done" I would use bribery. With bribery it is ok to cry but the doctor needs you to be still. If they are still the get the bribe if not they don't. We would hold hands, touch, et through the procedure.


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## Picard (May 10, 2009)

I would have done the exact same as you -- respect my son's boundaries. It does depend on the situation, though. At one point we were dealing with a life and death medical situation with DS and unfortunately he had to be poked, prodded, held down so that they could save his life. It was very violating also for us parents. So, it depends.

Good on you to respect your son.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm also in the camp of, "For something really and truly serious I would hold my kid down but not for something routine." I think that in your situation you did the right thing in letting your kid have some dignity.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I think you did the right thing in stopping. I wonder if next time you could stay 'in control' rather than the dr. -- i.e. when the doctor says lay him down, just say, "I'd rather hold him, what do you need us to do?" and then you & DS can take off his shirt etc.

I had a horrible experience with bloodwork where I repeatedly asked the tech to stop & she didn't, and I would never ever put DS through that again.







I think next time, know that it's a tough thing for him, I will ask for someone very experienced with kids, and let them know right off that they will only be able to stick him once so they better get it right the first time.

On the other hand, DS also had to have a chest xray, and although he did scream for this, I felt like in that situation it was best just to continue on (the whole thing was done in less than a minute). I think in the future (especially since DS is older now, he was just under 1 I think then), I will try doing some modeling for him first. DH or I could be the patient & have the doctor 'practice' on us first. BUT, just occurred to me that that may be a problem too, my DS hates anyone touching me & freaked out both when I had a neurological exam and also when I got my teeth cleaned.

So I guess there is no easy answer, but if it's just a routine thing I would skip it (or maybe ask the doc if she has time to take it really slow with him & respect his boundaries), whereas if it's more emergent or to diagnose/treat a specific problem, just do the best you can to keep him calm during the exam/procedure.

I remember hiding under a chair to avoid a strep culture, I hated doctors and still do.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I would have stopped the exam too. My DS is ok with Dr visits but the Dr gives him plenty of notice about what is going to happen and let's him play with the instruments. If she just reached in and tried to pull up his shirt he would scream. Also he does not like to lie down for the exam so that takes some time and coaxing as well. It's a very vulnerable position and we instinctively know that.


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## Maggie05 (Jun 20, 2003)

I think you did the right thing, and I think the doctor sounds great, too. She was trying to do what she needed to, and stopped when she was asked to stop.

I don't think that the doctor violated you or your son in any way whatsoever. I just wanted to point that out. I know it is hard to control what we feel, and maybe past experiences contribute, but from what you described, it seems that the doctor worked hard to make you NOT feel violated! Hopefully, thinking on that will make you feel better, or a little more positive.


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## reignbelle (Feb 13, 2010)

I would not force anything at a wbv. I would force if something was wrong and I had brought the child to the doctor to figure out what. Dd2 does not like people at her 2yr She didn't even get weighed. They listened to her heartbeat through her back for a second till my dh stopped them. He just said "ah well we'll just have to try next time. Dd say no thanks all done." Then he handed her a snack and talked to the doctor about any questions she had. I did hold her still when I was worried about a ear infection


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maggie05* 
I think you did the right thing, and I think the doctor sounds great, too. She was trying to do what she needed to, and stopped when she was asked to stop.

I don't think that the doctor violated you or your son in any way whatsoever. I just wanted to point that out. I know it is hard to control what we feel, and maybe past experiences contribute, but from what you described, it seems that the doctor worked hard to make you NOT feel violated! Hopefully, thinking on that will make you feel better, or a little more positive.

I agree with all of this.

I'm sorry you felt that way though.








I don't have any constructive advice. My 2 year old has to be pretty much held down for ANY part of a doctor's visit no matter what we try.


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## mermaidmama (Sep 17, 2008)

My dr has not "checked" my sons genitals since he was an infant and I wasn't aware that drs still did this to toddlers. Is there a reason?
I would not force it unless there were real concerns.

I say go with your gut. You know your boy. Maybe he felt the same way you do.


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## QM2 (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm not a parent, but I was a little girl (about 4 or 5) at a doc visit and had a genital exam. It was a routine visit before I started elementary school. I remember feeling so violated and on display. I can still hear the male doctor saying, "I need to take a good look". I wish I could forget this memory and move on, but I just turned 23 last week and feel that it will always be with me. Please...don't just hear your child, LISTEN. I still cry and get angry, but I try to ignore the memory when it enters my mind. Which may be the reason I don't know how to let it go.

DO NOT HOLD A CHILD DOWN!

http://www.wddty.com/case-study-geni...-children.html


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## fyrwmn (Jan 5, 2009)

yeah, something routine i wouldn't force my child to do. i still remember feeling embarrassed and self concious during the genital checks as a child. of course it never helped that i'm the oldest of 4 and my mom just naturally brougth all of us kids to the dr's appts no matter who it was for. hmmm, note to self, as dd gets a little older we need to schedule appts when dh can take ds. i actually hadn't thought of that till just now, so thanks fo rmaking me think
 






. i know dd was a little uncomfortable at her 4yr appt with getting checked. her dr (female and WONDERFUL with the kids!) just does a really quick visual check unless there's an issue. with ds, she actually feels his testicles because he had a problem with extra fluid in the sac for a while, but he's 1 and doesn't seem to care. anyways, i reassured dd that 1. it was okay for the dr to check, as we've had the conversations with her about how those are special parts of her body that need to be kept private and that no one is to touch them, and 2. that the dr was going to just look really quickly. after that it wasn't an issue. i honestly hadn't even thought about that being part of her appt so hadn't thought to prepare her for it. i think they do the genital checks for several reasons...to check to see that things appear normal, no noticeable infections, no trauma, etc. both of our kids have had normal genital issues, dd had labial adhesions that cleared right up with application of topical estrogen and ds had the extra fluid issue, so it never occured to me that it might be out of the ordinary fo rthem to check


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## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QM2* 
I'm not a parent, but I was a little girl (about 4 or 5) at a doc visit and had a genital exam. It was a routine visit before I started elementary school. I remember feeling so violated and on display. I can still hear the male doctor saying, "I need to take a good look". I wish I could forget this memory and move on, but I just turned 23 last week and feel that it will always be with me. Please...don't just hear your child, LISTEN. I still cry and get angry, but I try to ignore the memory when it enters my mind. Which may be the reason I don't know how to let it go.

DO NOT HOLD A CHILD DOWN!

http://www.wddty.com/case-study-geni...-children.html

I'm so sorry. I have a very unpleasant memory of an exam by an older male doctor in kindergarten, at a school physical. Yours sounds worse. I hope you are able to get past that horrible feeling.


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## QM2 (Jun 30, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeminijad* 
I'm so sorry. I have a very unpleasant memory of an exam by an older male doctor in kindergarten, at a school physical. Yours sounds worse. I hope you are able to get past that horrible feeling.

Thank you. I just wish I knew where the healing or dealing path begins. I am so scared of becoming a mother some day; I never want my child to go through that trauma. I know that everyone experiences situations differently, but I don't think I would be able to sit through a doctor visit if I knew that my child would be getting a genital exam. I understand if there is a serious issue it is needed. I also agree with an earlier post by someone that said to schedule different exam times for each child instead of bringing all of the children to one child's exam. Privacy is important even at an early age. During my exam it was not only the older male doctor but my mother, my little sister, and my mother's (female) friend. When I mentioned that I felt "On-Display" I really meant it. The male doctor had to pry my knees apart and didn't explain why it needed to be done.

I hope this post helps someone out there, either a parent trying to help their child or someone with a similar experience to mine. Maybe talking about it is what heals.

God Bless


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## littlebabydoll (May 15, 2008)

What does everyone do for vaccines? My son knows its coming and freaks out but I feel they are nessesary and quick so I hold him down.

I am always really upset though how they weight and measure my son, not letting me hold him on a scale or trusting my home taken measurements. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal with this?

My son basically screams all his dr's appointment from fear of strangers, being touched or not. I have just breastfed him as much as he will take it and rush out of there.


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