# Overly Attached to Grandma?



## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

It seems strange to wonder if a child can be overly attached to a grandparent, but I have a hard time believing that Colwyn's behavior is normal. I'm hoping for some insight, if anyone has any.

My parents live downstairs.. we're in sort of a two-family house. Colwyn and my mom have always had a close relationship. Part of it is that she goes overboard with gifts, wacky, involved activities, junkfood, etc. It's a constant source of tension between me and my mom. But Colwyn just adores her.

At least once a day, Colwyn will burst into tears without any warning, sobbing that he misses my mom. In addition to that, if I have to put my foot down about something, that will often trigger crying for my mom. I get that part of it, but the random, out of the blue hysterics worry me. For instance.. my mom has Sat-Tues. off this week. Colwyn and Lachlann 'slept over' her house last night. They wake up super early so they came back upstairs to let my mom sleep. Colwyn was walking down the hallway and I said, "Okay, let's get our socks and shoes on so we can go to the playground and then get some milk." Colwyn ran into his bedroom, burst into tears, saying that he missed my mom and needed some alone time.

I just don't get it. It doesn't seem normal, and I don't know if I should do anything about it. And to be honest, it pisses me off every time he does it.. not at him, but at my mom, for being this over-the-top grandmother that I can't compete with, who often puts me in frustrating situations where I either have to let the boys eat candy at 9am or else look like the meanest mom ever (to them). They're too young to understand.. all they see is my mom trying to give them whatever they want, and me saying no.

Anyway.. I veered off topic a bit. So, do you think this sounds like normal behavior, or should I be worried?


----------



## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

I think it's normal given your living situation. A lot of children cry for the more sympathetic/indulgent parent or caregiver in stressful situations are as a manipulation tactic. I think that is very normal.

I can easily see your child testing out these grief sessions as a way to bend you to do what he wants. And I think if we put ourselves in his shoes, wouldn't we also want to go eat candy and be with someone that will do whatever we ask?

I also think your child could honestly and seriously also wish grandma was upstairs with him.

I think the problem lies in boundaries, and perhaps your children feel torn over who's really in charge. Your mom might mean well, but I think she should respect your wishes about food and how you discipline (or whatever term you prefer) since she's around them so much.

P.S. Your kids have great names!


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

you know in cultures where gparents live with the family - your situation is pretty common.

plus your mom is fairy godmother.

it is really hard to draw a balance isnt it? if your sons ate a proper bfast would you still object to candy.

bottom line is you have to see how much you value your sons relationship with gma. do you feel gma is contributing in a huge way to your boys?

gparents can be so special. and nothing, nothing comes close to a gparent and gchild relationship. there is that special bond.

for me it was worth it. i allowed my 82 year old neighbour give my dd an ounce of watered down pepsi. i could not stop her. she had lost her mom when she was my dd's age. she just couldnt understand my boundaries. i noticed my insisting was affecting our relationship. so i let it go. there were other things i let go too, some i didnt too much. she moved when my dd was 2 years old. we never saw her again. to date my dd still talks about that 'gma'. her own gparents come second because she saw less of them. but one set is gone and my dd misses out on that special relationship. i am about ready to go adopt some. she remembers her gma so clearly i know she will carry that special memory all her life. i will say though gma taught me a lot to have patience too.

looking back nothing compares to the special relationship i had with my gpa. the magic of it. nothing has come close to that kind of relationship. it was the most magical part of my life and its my 'happy place' to go to during my bad days.

to me every child should have one person that spoils them rotten. usually its the gparent who fulfills that role.


----------



## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
you know in cultures where gparents live with the family - your situation is pretty common.

plus your mom is fairy godmother.

it is really hard to draw a balance isnt it? if your sons ate a proper bfast would you still object to candy.

bottom line is you have to see how much you value your sons relationship with gma. do you feel gma is contributing in a huge way to your boys?

gparents can be so special. and nothing, nothing comes close to a gparent and gchild relationship. there is that special bond.

for me it was worth it. i allowed my 82 year old neighbour give my dd an ounce of watered down pepsi. i could not stop her. she had lost her mom when she was my dd's age. she just couldnt understand my boundaries. i noticed my insisting was affecting our relationship. so i let it go. there were other things i let go too, some i didnt too much. she moved when my dd was 2 years old. we never saw her again. to date my dd still talks about that 'gma'. her own gparents come second because she saw less of them. but one set is gone and my dd misses out on that special relationship. i am about ready to go adopt some. she remembers her gma so clearly i know she will carry that special memory all her life. i will say though gma taught me a lot to have patience too.

looking back nothing compares to the special relationship i had with my gpa. the magic of it. nothing has come close to that kind of relationship. it was the most magical part of my life and its my 'happy place' to go to during my bad days.

to me every child should have one person that spoils them rotten. usually its the gparent who fulfills that role.

I don't know.. in cultures where extended families living together, do the grandparents spoil the children like this? Or isn't grandparents spoiling grandchildren a function of not getting to see them that often?

I would object to candy at 9am regardless of what they'd had for breakfast. I've compromised on SO, SO much that I said I would never do. Some of that is just me changing as a parent, but a lot of it is just getting worn down by my mother.

I have no problem with them having a close relationship. I grew up with lots of extended family around, and that's what I want my kids to have. But it just KILLS me to hear my son go on and on about how he wishes his grandmother was his mother, how he wants to live downstairs with her, how he's going to marry her, etc. I love my mother dearly, but our relationship is complicated now that the kids have entered into the mix. I can see her doing to them what she did to me (nothing terrible, just overly materialistic, bad eating habits, linking junk food with love/comfort, etc) and it's frustrating.

I guess my question is really.. is it normal for my son to get *that* upset (hysterics) not in relation to me being stern about something. I get the manipulation aspect and just the plain old, "Mom's being mean, I wish I was with Grandma!" thing.. it's when it happens randomly and he reacts so strongly that worries me. He's not highly sensitive in any other way.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

do you feel he is picking up on your ambivalence towards mom.

personally yes i find that normal. not in the western context, but definitely in the eastern context. my friend who lived next door with her inlaws mainly just fed her dd. the gparents took care of cosleeping and bathing. dd got along both with mom and gparents but when seh wanted something seh went to gparents because she knew they would say yes.

come on your mom is the disney parent. if she gave me chocolate at 9 am even i would want her. not saying that she is manipulating your children that way, but that's just the way it is.

i am sorry you are at a bad place with your mom.

with your dynamics you know what's best. whatever your heart is telling you.

if she has been not respecting you then you need to put up the boudaries and insist upon them - not coming from blame, but really from a place where you tell her how it affects you.

so what i am saying is your parents are like another set of parents. so yes i defintiely find it normal. is that right he should behave that way - thats for you to decide. instead of choosing his dad your son chooses your mom. either way you would feel rejection. because he would pick the other parent.


----------



## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

I was very attached to all my grandparents, and they didn't even live that close.

I sometimes see threads about people not wanting their parents (or, more commonly, their ILs) to be too close to their kids. Like it somehow dilutes the parental relationship if the child is bonded to the grandparents.

Think of it another way. What do you tell your child when a new baby comes home? That you won't love them less because you love the new baby - that you have enough love to give each baby the same huge amount of love.

So I don't think that attachment to other adults is any problem - the more attachments a child has to family and caregivers, the more support and love and strength they have in their lives.


----------



## mama_Agnieszka (Apr 21, 2005)

I would probably be worried as well. In fact, I've had a very similar experience recently (we were on a brief - thank Goddess - holiday with my in-laws when, at one point, my dd (4.5) was upset about something and whey I went to her, she cried that she wanted her grandma, ignoring me completely; in another situation, grandma walked out of the room and dd started crying that she can't see her).

Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about it. My instinct is (right or wrong) to create distance between them - I'm thinking, shouldn't my kid prefer me, I mean when I'm there, shouldn't I be my child's first choice??? I also have the complicated factor of having had severe postpartum depression - my attachment to my dd (and vice versa) has always been on shaky ground - and so I always wonder, are the various separation issues that arise over time "normal"? The other problem (or at least that's how I see it) is that this grandma has a tendency to "take over" - she tends to act like I'm not there, responding to dd even though I already have, offering things even though I just have, etc.. (undermining, really).

Anyway, all I wanted to say is, I hope you figure it out and please share what you figure out. I'm not sure what I would do...

One question: does your dc's behavior make you wonder about his attachment to you???


----------



## mama_Agnieszka (Apr 21, 2005)

Just wanted to add that those two instances I described are really just a tip of the iceberg - this grandma really does want to be "the bestest grandma in the world" kind of thing and she can't see that she might be doing damage to my relationship with my child... maybe if she saw the damage (like my almost crying when she went to my dd and didn't even wonder why the hell my dd is pushing me away - that makes me so MAD I could start swearing) she does, she's stop, but it's as though she's in competition with me over my dd's attention! Anyway, after I posted the previous message I realized that I am going to create distance between dd and grandma - again, rightly or wrongly in the bigger picture - I need to know for myself and my daughter is securely attached to me. Perhaps this is a selfish approach, but hell, it hurts just a tad too much, really... Of course, I want them to have a good relationship but I am the mother, at all times, and dd is only 4.5... there'll be plenty of times ahead when I fade into the woodwork... Is it so wrong not to want to be shoved as side just yet? I think you're right to be uncomfortable with the situation... Something's up for your son... I hope for your sake that you and him work it out, and that grandma has the eyes to see that she can't encourage that sort of over-the-top attachment/obsession.

Ps. I hope I'm not projecting too much of my own situation onto yours! I'm sorry if I am! It's just so darn fresh for me and reading your story just got my hackles up again!







:


----------



## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

But why would anyone want to break an attachment their child has formed, if it is with a loving family member? Why would you want to *cause* your child *grief and loss*, because of your own issues??

Do you really think your child has a limited amount of love available to give? Do you think that your child can only form a certain number of attachments in life, and is using them up on grandparents?

If there were a limit on love, or a limit on number of attachments, then the youngest children of large families would be kinda out of luck, wouldn't they? Would you tell someone not to have more children because their attachment to their second child dilutes their love for their first?


----------



## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_Agnieszka* 
I would probably be worried as well. In fact, I've had a very similar experience recently (we were on a brief - thank Goddess - holiday with my in-laws when, at one point, my dd (4.5) was upset about something and whey I went to her, she cried that she wanted her grandma, ignoring me completely; in another situation, grandma walked out of the room and dd started crying that she can't see her).

Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about it. My instinct is (right or wrong) to create distance between them - I'm thinking, shouldn't my kid prefer me, I mean when I'm there, shouldn't I be my child's first choice??? I also have the complicated factor of having had severe postpartum depression - my attachment to my dd (and vice versa) has always been on shaky ground - and so I always wonder, are the various separation issues that arise over time "normal"? The other problem (or at least that's how I see it) is that this grandma has a tendency to "take over" - she tends to act like I'm not there, responding to dd even though I already have, offering things even though I just have, etc.. (undermining, really).

Anyway, all I wanted to say is, I hope you figure it out and please share what you figure out. I'm not sure what I would do...

One question: does your dc's behavior make you wonder about his attachment to you???

I do wonder about my son's attachment to me. When he was a baby, we were trying to get our old condo ready for the market while we lived at my parents house.. it was a 45 minute drive, so we'd leave him with my mom while we worked at the condo for a few hours. She never watched him so much that it was more like she was the parent (I see this with some other relatives, it's really dysfunctional), but she definitely watched him a lot more than she has the other two. We even went away for the night twice before our second was born. I don't think that in itself caused the problem, but I wonder since my younger two don't go into hysterics over missing my mom.

I don't think the answer is in creating distance, though I do fantasize about moving into our own place and having a more normal relationship with my mom. I do think it's how she behaves around the kids that causes it. My dad has a close relationship with the boys, though he doesn't overindulge and is stern with them from time to time when needed. He's also very discreet when he has something he wants to give the kids, he asks me privately, so the kids don't notice if I have to say no. I think it's a two-part issue. First, she goes over the top with toys, treats, and wacky, messy activities. Second, she undermines my parenting and comes across as the one 'in charge.'

I guess I do need to have a talk with her.. the problem is, we've talked to her in depth about it many, many times.. she never changes. I'm hesistant to tell her too much about how Colwyn cries for her and how he says he wishes he lived downstairs.. I just don't want to admit that to her.


----------



## travlr (Apr 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savithny* 
But why would anyone want to break an attachment their child has formed, if it is with a loving family member? Why would you want to *cause* your child *grief and loss*, because of your own issues??

Do you really think your child has a limited amount of love available to give? Do you think that your child can only form a certain number of attachments in life, and is using them up on grandparents?

If there were a limit on love, or a limit on number of attachments, then the youngest children of large families would be kinda out of luck, wouldn't they? Would you tell someone not to have more children because their attachment to their second child dilutes their love for their first?

I think the OP has identified the problem with the attachment. All attachments are not healthy and it shouldn't be up to a child to determine this. The healthy attachment to a parent/gardian is the most important attachment and if someone is getting in the way of this, regardless of their intentions, I think a parent needs to make changes. I don't think that the OP has any intention of severing the relationship between her son and his grandma but she needs to insert herself strongly into the role of parent to make her son and her mother respect and comply with her wishes.

I have parents and my MIL in town and I have totally experienced the tantrums in which my 5yo wants grandma and no one else. I'm totally fine with that. It shows a good healthy relationship where she feels safe with grandma. But random crying for grandma would have me concerned too especially with the background that the OP has described, where her parenting is being undermined by her mother. I would try to stay busy and out of the house for several days or a week, so that spending time with grandma becomes a special treat for her children and her mother. I've found that not seeing grandma everyday works well for us. We see at least one grandma most days but I find my girls really look forward to grandma time when it's been a few days.


----------



## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ColwynsMommy* 
she undermines my parenting and comes across as the one 'in charge.'

I guess I do need to have a talk with her.. the problem is, we've talked to her in depth about it many, many times.. she never changes. I'm hesistant to tell her too much about how Colwyn cries for her and how he says he wishes he lived downstairs.. I just don't want to admit that to her.

this is the real problem. that she undermines your parenting, and comes across as being in charge.

if your mom doesn't get that yet, she might not ever get it. that's unfortunate. if that's the case, you're right, she might enjoy hearing that she's #1 in your son's mind.

i haven't dealt with this situation personally, as my mom is pretty good about respecting my parenting and, although she does express her opinions, i can put her in her place pretty quickly with a few words related to, "this is what i'm doing, and you're not in charge" (said a little more nicely).

is it possible that you can begin to turn around the situation by talking instead with your son. such as when he cries for grandma, really sit down with him and talk, trying to truly understand what is motivating such pining? if you can get the insight from your son as to the root of his attachment to grandma, then you can work on that from your end -- directly with your son. maybe (don't know, just guessing), she gives him a feeling of connectedness, and one on one that you can somehow find a way to replicate. if it's truly just the treats, can you find some things that are not necessarily candy, but perhaps experiences that are special or something, and begin to "take back" that role of providing specialness and connectedness with him... not to take over grandma's role completely, of course, but rather to provide a bit more balance ?

just some thoughts. hope it helps. good luck.


----------



## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ElliesMomma* 
is it possible that you can begin to turn around the situation by talking instead with your son. such as when he cries for grandma, really sit down with him and talk, trying to truly understand what is motivating such pining? if you can get the insight from your son as to the root of his attachment to grandma, then you can work on that from your end -- directly with your son. maybe (don't know, just guessing), she gives him a feeling of connectedness, and one on one that you can somehow find a way to replicate. if it's truly just the treats, can you find some things that are not necessarily candy, but perhaps experiences that are special or something, and begin to "take back" that role of providing specialness and connectedness with him... not to take over grandma's role completely, of course, but rather to provide a bit more balance ?

just some thoughts. hope it helps. good luck.

This is a good idea. I'll need to talk with my husband about it so I can practice wording and whatnot (I don't want to come across as bad-mouthing my mom). I can guarantee that it's the treats/candy/wacky activities. Not that she doesn't ever have conversations with him, but they're usually more into watching TV, having "tea parties", or making the Lego guys go scuba diving in a pan of water. I'm more likely to have long talks with him (on his terms) about things he's thinking about, things he'd like to do, pretending, making up stories, etc. I think we connect pretty well. I think he may also get frustrated with the fact that I try to pretty evenly divide my time between the three kiddos, as well as getting chores/errands done. When he's with my mom, she's usually focused on them, and while she tries *very* hard not to show favoritism, I think she sometimes unintentionally favors Colwyn with her time. We've had that discussion before, and her favoritism is partially my fault, so I have to give her credit for trying.. I think that battle's been won. But I bet he at least subconsciously picks up on it.

I'm going to talk to my dad and see if he can give me a heads up as to when would be a good time to talk to her. She's had a lot of health issues recently, has mega-stress at work, and is menopausal, so..







It makes finding a good time to talk tricky.


----------



## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

We co-habitat with my in-laws. It was important to our family relationship that my husband and I sit down and speak with my in-laws about our guidelines. For example gpa can only take the kids to get fast food once a week. Candy and desserts are ok with us but only if the kids have already eaten a good meal. That kind of thing.

That being said all 3 of my kids go through phases where they want gpa and gma time. Sometimes that takes the form of the kids climbing up in bed to watch t.v. with the in-laws other times it is going to the park with them. When my boys were young they would sometimes cry for my in-laws if they wanted something that we (my dh and I) would not give them. But because my in-laws did/do not undermine us this passed.

My dd is 13 months and sometimes she wants my in-laws or my parents instead of my husband or me. This does not mean she loves me any less or is any less attached to me. It means she knows my Dad will take her outside to play in the pool, my FIL will putt around in the garden with her, my MIL will let her play with her yarn and that my mom will fill up bowls of water and let her splash around in them.

The memories your children are building with your parents are going to last them a lifetime. Not only are they going to be able to count on you and your dh to provide them with stability as they grow they will have your mom and dad with them too.

Kids are smart, your kids know you are their mom and that you love them. I hope having someone watch your kids while you are working or running errands does not hurt their attachment to you; because if so we would be in a world of hurt as I have always worked full time. LOL.

Not to be flippant, but when kids are young long, deep conversations are usually not at the very top of their list of must do activities. Making lego men dive in pans of water is.







Those conversations will mean more and more to them as they grow.

I know I bounced around a bit in my response but I wanted to try to address everything you said. In the end you need to do what works for you and your family . Good Luck.


----------

