# What to Say List



## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:



> "No one knows how to talk about miscarriages. Why don't we make a list that you can hand out to friends and family detailing the helpful and unhelpful things to say?"
> 
> She laughed a bit at that. We sat there, imagining such a list, neatly typed, quickly handed out to co-workers and sister-in-laws, before they are permitted to speak. The idea of such a list, ridiculous as it was, seemed to cheer her.


Just read this in this mothering article: http://www.mothering.com/pregnancy-birth/gods-will?page=0,0

I wish that I had such a list to hand out. Maybe printed on small foldable cardstock, so it fits neatly in your pocket, so you could discretely hand them out. I realize how ridiculous this would be, but also sort of really wish it was an acceptable thing to do. What's more I wish I had read a list like this before it happened to me so I wouldn't have been a jerk so many times before.

*UPDATED*: I've compiled a general list of inappropriate and appropriate responses below. It seems a lot of the hurtful things fall into the same categories, and I thought it would be helpful to explain why they are hurtful. Let me know if you think anything needs to be edited. Also, please continue to post specific responses if you like, because your experiences are the most helpful. It's especially encouraging to me when I hear positive responses!

*Inappropriate responses:*

*1. Dismissive or insensitive statements deny that the loss was real. Sometimes this is done out of ignorance, or unfortunately, just plain meanness. Talking crudely wouldn't be appropriate in the loss of an adult, and it isn't in the loss of a child either.*
It will be okay.
Why are you sad? It was just a fetus/bunch of cells.
I know how you feel. (if you don't)
That's too bad. Yeah... so anyway, as I was saying...
Hope you don't have anymore your uterus may fall out.

*2. Minimizing the loss. Even though the intention is usually good, this is not helpful. Each child is unique and unrepeatable, and will be missed.*
Be grateful for the child you have. Some women can't get pregnant at all - count yourself lucky.
You weren't very far along, and it probably wasn't viable anyway.
Miscarriages are normal/really common.
You'll have other children, you have plenty of time!

*3. Calling it providence may be well intended, but it implies that it's God's fault, or that it was deserved for some reason. *
Maybe you aren't supposed to have a baby.
God wanted him more than you did. 
It just wasn't God's plan.
He's in a better place (than with you).

*4. Trying to "fix it" or diagnose it often assigns blame or is just insensitive. It also minimizes the loss to a problem to be solved, rather than the death of a loved one.*
Do you think its because you're small/big/old/young/vegetarian/whatever?
Have they figured out why this keeps happening to you?
I wish I could have a baby for you.
Anyway, how can you afford more kids?
Well, now you can continue... (fill in blank).

*5. Making it about you instead of the grieving family. It is not the responsibility of the bereaved to console you.*
I felt the same way..... (talking about your own feelings about their loss)
I'm really hurt that you didn't tell me yourself.
Your experience really upset me during my own (healthy) pregnancy.

*6. Avoidance. It's understandable if you don't know what to say, but not acknowledging the loss can be more hurtful than saying the wrong thing.*
Silence, avoiding the topic or completely avoiding.
Wow! you have lost so much weight. You look great.
 What's going on with you?

*Appropriate Responses:*
*Acknowledge the loss. Listen. Give hugs, send flowers or bring food. Offer to watch the other children or do chores around the house. Remember the anniversaries or due dates, if possible.*
I'm sorry for your loss.
I am here for you if you need to talk about it.
How are you?
I think of your family and (insert babies name) often.
I had a miscarriage/lost a child, too. Let me know if you want to talk about it with someone who's been there."
One day at a time.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

*What NOT to say -*

Well atleast you have children already

be thankful for the children you have

there is a reason for everything - god has a plan

*What to say :*

i am here for you if you need to talk about it.

HUGS - Lots of hugs

Anything that gives validation to the loss of your baby - funny now that i am trying to think of stuff i cant .. lol


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MegEliz*  funny now that i am trying to think of stuff i cant .. lol


I noticed the same thing! I have found myself to be irritated at some people no matter what they say. I've heard a lot of terrible things people have said to others on this board, but really no one has said anything that terrible to me. I think the hardest thing is just when they forget or don't acknowledge it.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Acknowledge my loss - many think that if they bring it up it will make you sad but they need to realize it's not something we ever forget.

not to say - you'll have another baby

Please feel free to wordsmith these better, typing with one hand so trying to be quick.

Great idea and list!


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Things NOT to say:

maybe this is god's way of saying you shouldn't have any more children.

hope you don't have anymore your uterus may fall out.

You have such wonderful children here you should worry about them and not worry about the baby. God is taking care of him anyways.

He is in a better place.

Too bad he didn't take a breath then you could have claimed him on your taxes. (This one wasn't said to me but I heard it at a share meeting. All the others were said to me at least once many of them several times)

Don't you think enough is enough

Have they figured out what is wrong and why this keeps happening to you

Are you pregnant again? (No just the fat from last time OR yes I am but not telling anyone and none of your damned business)

I am sure there are more....

Things TO say:

That sucks.

We will bring dinner by. What is your address we will put it on the porch. Or we will..... Whatever (NOT if you need anything just let me know, I can't get out of bed, I can't shower and I can't brush my teeth what makes you think I am gonna give you a call to tell you what to do, just do!)

Months later... How are you. I think of your family and (insert babies name) often.

Remember the birthday/deathday, etc.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I wanted to add one to the things not to say list:

You would think this is a given you really would BUT

this was said to my dh by a friendshortly after our son died at 17 wks.

My dh: "yeah I have been kind of mia lately as our baby died last week"

Dh's "friend": "I hear dead babies taste like chicken"









My dh tried to blow it off but they don't talk anymore. People should come with filters.


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## angelashn (Jan 5, 2010)

Do not say:

Well at least you know you can get pregnant.

Focus on your children that are alive.

Well now you can continue (fill in blank). For me it is, well now you can finish school like you planned.

This baby was just not in God's plan for you.

Things to say:

Here is a casserole you can throw in the freezer.

I'd be happy to watch your kids for the evening while you and dh get some much needed time off.

When YOUR ready to talk, yell, cry, etc...I'll be ready to listen.


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## angelashn (Jan 5, 2010)

WOW. I'm glad to hear they are no longer friends.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Oh, Nicole. Where do these people come from?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

my dh didn't even know what to say. He blew it off at first then was like I really can't be friends with someone that thinks like that.

I wish we could hand out filters since people don't seem to come with them.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

What not to say:

I know exactly how you feel.

I wish I could have a baby for you. (unless the mom expresses an interest in surrogacy or adoption)

Yeah........... so, guess what happened to me today

Why does this keep happening to you?

What are you going to do? Something is obviously wrong. I think it's........

You already have three that's more than a lot of women get

I felt the same way..... (talking about your own feelings about MY loss)

It will be okay


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## mamacolleen (Dec 16, 2009)

The worst responses I've got so far are:

Well, you weren't that far along.

At least you know you can get pregnant.

and, one "friend" has responded with silence. I emailed her to tell her soon after the loss and I have yet to hear anything from her in response. Not even a quick email back to say "that sucks". That hurts more than some of the un-thinking responses I've had.

The best responses for me are a hug and an "I'm so sorry". I've never had anyone ask me if I want to talk about it.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Krista, my dad pulled my DH and I aside at Christmas to tell us how hard this was on him. I think he was hurt we didn't invite him to our private funeral. I just felt like, hey, I don't care how you feel, don't you want to know how I feel?

I've been thinking about you, hope you're doing okay.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Kind of an aside, but another mama & I were picking up at preschool the other day, and we were talking about babies (hers is a few months old) and I mentioned the loss. She just reached over immediately and squeezed my hand. I don't know her super well, and that somehow touched me so much.

Several friends have been calling more often just to chat, giving me the chance to talk about the m/c if I wanted to, which I did a lot at first. Now they are calling just to chat, and I like that too. I agree the hard thing has been the people who have avoided me since the loss, that hurt most. I get it, some people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I am happy with just being asked, how are you.

I have realized how much I have to get over my own fear of not 'imposing' when someone is in a hard time. Just calling to say, "I am thinking about you. Lemme know if you want to talk." So basic but really meaningful. It's easy to get isolated in illness or grief or hardship.


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## angelashn (Jan 5, 2010)

For my first 2 mc I was so early that we had not announced I was pregnant except to immediate family. With this one we told everyone so I am getting a lot more feed back than the previous times.

In the last week I am shocked at the number of people that have shared with me about their mc. Some have been close friends who had mc before we became friends, while others are just acquaintances, even an aunt that I had no idea had one sent me a card today saying that she had several. No one has tried to make it about them but rather their just saying, "I've been there in that dark place and I'm sorry you have to be there."

It's also made me wonder if I have been a good friend in the past and responded inappropriately during times. I to will try and be more giving. These ladies have revisited a painful time from their past to help me not feel so alone and it means so much.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> Krista, my dad pulled my DH and I aside at Christmas to tell us how hard this was on him. I think he was hurt we didn't invite him to our private funeral. I just felt like, hey, I don't care how you feel, don't you want to know how I feel?
> 
> I've been thinking about you, hope you're doing okay.


I am doing much better with this one than my others. The EFT and Matrix re-imprinting has made a huge difference. <3 Thanks mama


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## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Great list! I heard far too many of the "What not to say" ones, even from DH (oy...).

Maybe some of these are repeats...

*The worst:*

- Why are you sad? It was just a fetus/bunch of cells. (Thanks for the biology lesson; I know how embryos develop. Still sad anyway!)

- You just have to accept that some people weren't meant to have kids. (Said after my 3rd miscarriage.)

- That's life.

- That's too bad. Yeah so anyway, as I was saying, I got these great boots on sale the other day...

- It wasn't meant to be. (Heard this one a lot and HATE it.)

- Miscarriages are normal/really common. (I know that. It doesn't mean I'm not entitled to be sad about mine.)

*The best:*

- Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

- How are you feeling/doing?

- I've had one too. It's awful, isn't it? Let me know if you want to talk about it with someone who's been there.

The sweetest thing was when my SIL baked me a batch of cookies and left them on my doorstep. I wasn't up to facing anyone at that point, so it was nice to have the acknowledgment without the requirement of interaction. It really meant a lot to me.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Can I share this list on another board?


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Vespertina*
> 
> Can I share this list on another board?


I think, since these are things we wish we could tell people, that it would be fine to share this elsewhere.  If anyone objects let me know.


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## GMum (Apr 25, 2008)

Oh my, where do I start on this one? It brings up a lot of tears and anger because I think my MIL alone has said most of the things off the 'what not to say' list. Another one is : "well, be grateful for the child you have. I feel sorry for xxx who can't get pregnant at all - that is much worse - count yourself lucky" I also get " do you think it's because your a vegetarian or because of your age or because of [insert a blaming statement]?"

The best: "Oh no, I am so sorry for your loss [big hugs]" and a lovely anonymous neighbor who left 6 red roses on our doorstep when we lost #6 and must have somehow found out.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

today, my in-laws made their lovely contributions.

Sister-in-law to DH (his sister) when he told her he was sad for dd to not have a sibling: That's not important. And anyway, how can you afford more kids? What's your plan? Do you have a plan? Are you staying in your apartment? [note, dh works for himself] What are you going to do for work/money?

My MIL had dropped by Saturday uninvited and unannounced. This was the morning after I started bleeding and I was still in shock and not really accepting it yet and not saying anything to anyone (but dh) yet. DH wanted to get some support so I said if he wanted to tell her he could. He greeted her at the door by saying that we were having a family emergency. Her response was: Oh, you're always having an emergency. When are you not? This really pissed dh off and hurt his feelings. She never asked what was wrong or what was going on and dh didn't end up telling her that day b/c he was too upset by her response. She then stays for lunch and I have to put on my "oh everything's fine" face.

Today she was invited over with my sil. (dh told her on the phone yesterday) She gives me a hug when I first see her. Later today, right before she left, she tells me that she's really hurt that I didn't tell her myself, that she had to hear it from her son. She's upset b/s she thinks of herself as supportive to me independent of dh and I denied her the opportunity to do that and she hopes I can understand why she'd be upset about that. I was seeing red when she said this to me but I didn't want to say anything in front of the kids but I'm just thinking, WTF!? B/c I didn't open up to her that first day after she came in with a chip on her shoulder I lost my opportunity for her support AND I'm supposed to feel bad for HER feelings. Please note, she NEVER said I'm sorry this happened to YOU.

UGH UGH UGH. DH just said he thinks I should call her up and tell her all this. what is wrong with all these people?


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Wendlynn, it's sad that she can't understand that your grief is yours and you aren't responsible for anything but getting yourself and your family through it! Some people just can't seem to support anyone else without making it about them, and they lose the opportunity to really show love and care when they do that.


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## Jaimee (Jun 7, 2007)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *wilson* 

Well at least you know you can get pregnant.

I've had several friends go through miscarriages and several that were unable to get pregnant at all. I've had two m/c's, but they were very early, so I often feel like a bit of a fraud when I'm trying to comfort them. It actually was a comfort to me to know that I could get pregnant- it offered me hope that I would conceive again. And I have found myself saying this to a few of my friends when they m/c thinking it might be of comfort to them as well. It certainly isn't the only thing I say, but is this really a bad thing to say do you think? I don't want to seem insensitive!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jaimee*


IMO anything that tries to make it sound better can hurt. Most people really only want validation when they are in pain and something like this, while meant to help, can make them feel like their emotions are being trivialized and their pain compared to others'. If someone were to tell me that I would take it as them saying my problems are not as big as someone else's so I should be so upset....yswim?


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## Jaimee (Jun 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> IMO anything that tries to make it sound better can hurt. Most people really only want validation when they are in pain and something like this, while meant to help, can make them feel like their emotions are being trivialized and their pain compared to others'. If someone were to tell me that I would take it as them saying my problems are not as big as someone else's so I should be so upset....yswim?


I can see that. The context in which I said it was not to compare to the infertility problems of others, but to point out that she was in fact able to conceive when she had previously seriously worried she could not. It doesn't take away the current pain, I know, and I hope that I managed to validate her feelings and be there for her when she needed it. I saw it more like a hopeful sentiment after the grieving process. I guess maybe this particular statement must be evaluated on a person by person basis.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Our gem for the day: Do you know why you keep having miscarriages?

We haven't even had this second one yet. We're old. I don't know what the answer here is!


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I guess that question would have been more appropriate once we were out of the immediate grieving. It just struck us, as we are trying to survive until I start to actually miscarry this lost babe, as an insensitive thing to ask. I am all ready trying to figure out if something I did or didn't do is responsible!


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

I heard a winner today. From someone from an online DDC who was pregnant the same time I was.

"It took me a long time to get over the similarities in our births after I had my... [perfect, healthy, live baby]" Implied - I'm so glad it was YOU and not me! Gee... so freaking sorry my birth story traumatized you so.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *L J*
> 
> I heard a winner today. From someone from an online DDC who was pregnant the same time I was.
> 
> "It took me a long time to get over the similarities in our births after I had my... [perfect, healthy, live baby]" Implied - I'm so glad it was YOU and not me! Gee... so freaking sorry my birth story traumatized you so.










That just sucks :-( I've got a friend who got pregnant not too long after I did with Kadence and she has let me know how my miscarriages have traumatized her and caused her so much anxiety. Why do people think that it's about them?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

laura and krista- wow that is just terrible!!!

People think it is contagious too. uggg, so frustrating.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I don't think this one is one here yet.

"wow! you have lost so much weight. you look great" (ummm. I was pg last time you saw me) and definately don't follow it with how much you hate your body while you ARE pg. thanks but no thanks.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Never, ever, in the history of ever, tell someone who is dealing with infertility or miscarriage, "But you're so young! You have plenty of time!" I get this a lot even from other friends of mine who HAVE been through the same thing. Like because I'm ten years younger means it doesn't hurt as much, or it doesn't matter at all that *I* might be young but my HUSBAND is twenty years older. Rawr.

~Rose


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> IMO anything that tries to make it sound better can hurt. Most people really only want validation when they are in pain and something like this, while meant to help, can make them feel like their emotions are being trivialized and their pain compared to others'. If someone were to tell me that I would take it as them saying my problems are not as big as someone else's so I should be so upset....yswim?


Quote:



> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Wendlynn, it's sad that she can't understand that your grief is yours and you aren't responsible for anything but getting yourself and your family through it! Some people just can't seem to support anyone else without making it about them, and they lose the opportunity to really show love and care when they do that.


These both so true! I think there are three categories of stupid comments:

1. just plain stupid

2. trying to "fix it" by minimizing the problem

3. making it about them instead of you


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Don't forget dismissive/mean. Some people hurt on purpose unfortunately :-(


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## ekandrmkb (Mar 1, 2011)

The worst thing I ever heard said directly to me, from a friend who knows we will want to (eventually) TTC again:

"Wow, you don't want to go through THAT again, do you??? Why don't you just adopt?"

Um...that's not the POINT...nothing wrong with adoption, but that's our decision, not yours.

Also, a very close almost-family member (my great-uncle's long time girlfriend) said to my sister, "I think God just needed another angel." My sister's response (bless her) was, "well, He didn't need THIS one." She was pretty furious on my behalf.

And, the best thing said to me was actually a guy at work who, when I came back, saw me, threw an arm around my shoulder, and said, "One day at a time, eh? One moment at a time." Somehow (for a single jet-setting kind of guy), he knew how I was just trying to get through each minute.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

And I actually got "Do you want me to have a baby for you?" AGAIN from the same friend. Seriously, really, really stupid thing to say.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

from my best friend who recently had a baby: (when I first told her) Are you sure it wasn't a late period? [Um, I was 6 weeks along.] And today after I told her about my ob app: Well, maybe next time don't test early.

WTF? I chart and temp and knew I was preg. the second I had an elevated temp past my expected AF day.

And there was today's OB who was trying to explain how there's not really any cause or treatment to pinpoint, since only my 1st loss "counted" b/c it was 11 weeks (vs. the other 2 at 5 and 6t weeks).


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## bstandlee (May 14, 2007)

I have some to add (and it's only been 3 days...I shudder to think how many more I'll have to add over the coming weeks):

I'm not surprised, you're so tiny

It's so common (already on the list I think)

At least you still have one (referring to my lost twin)

immediately launching into a story of a friend who had 3 stillborn babies

in response to my losing one twin: telling me how she thought she was having twins once and was ready to give one away because she would have just "died" having 2 babies at once


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## bstandlee (May 14, 2007)

Here's another one:

A friend calling to say she can't come over and help out with DS and visit/support me because she has to finish washing baby clothes for her granddaughter's baby who was born the same day I miscarried my second twin.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

The next person who even so much as hints, insinuates, or suggests that I miscarried because I am too thin is getting their teeth knocked down the back of their throat.

~Rose


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

((((((((((HUGS))))))))) People will come up with whatever they can think of to separate themselves from us.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Just wanted to let you know I updated the original post. I've compiled a general list of inappropriate and appropriate responses because the list of specifics was getting so long, and sometimes repetitive. It seems a lot of the hurtful things fall into the same categories, and I thought it would be helpful to explain why they are hurtful because sometimes people really don't know. Let me know if you think anything needs to be edited.

Also, please continue to post specific responses if you like, because your experiences are the most helpful. I don't want to have to keep updating the list, but I do appreciate reading your responses. It's especially encouraging to me when I hear positive responses!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I was thinking that one topic we haven't mentioned is announcing your own birth to a loss mama. It's such a hard topic, because we don't want to make their news/happiness about us (the same way we don't want them to make our loss about them). But it understandably has an affect on us, and it would be great if at least those close to us could acknowledge that.

I had a little drama with my mom last week. My sister called to tell me she's pregnant - it was unplanned and she's trying to adjust - which I completely understand how that feels. She was 8 weeks and talking about how she had to change a bunch of their plans. Later that day she posted it on facebook. This was the day after my due date, and I knew this wasn't about me, but I was already feeling raw. I said congratulations and everything, but it made me sad. Later my mom called and we had this weird conversation. She apparently misread something I said and thought I didn't want to talk to her (I had no idea she thought that) and got off the phone quickly. The next day she called to talk about it, and I didn't know she was upset at all, so it was all a surprise to me. We talked and I told her she just misunderstood me, and she seemed to feel better. UNTIL, I said something like, and you know, Sunday was my due date, so sister's news just kind of struck me a little, so I probably did sound sad - so it's not all your fault. Then, my mom got all upset again and started to cry, saying she'd forgotten my due date, and got off the phone quickly. It left me feeling like I shouldn't have mentioned it, like I had done something wrong. When she finally called me back several days later she just acted like everything was fine.

I really am happy for my sister, and sympathetic to a surprise pregnancy. I think my feelings for her and about her baby are positive and separate from my grief, but at the same time they stir up my grief. I feel like they don't understand that and they think I"m just really self-centered. I don't know, maybe I am.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

((((((((HUGS))))))))) I feel like I come across that way sometimes too but, you know what? I have every right to be "self"- centered if it means that I am remembering my babies and standing up for myself. <3


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## BeachLove (May 10, 2011)

I agree with PP that hugs are one of the best things anyone can offer!!

Asking how you are doing/holding up was a comfort to me. Even though I told everyone I was "fine... getting better, etc.", it felt nice to know that they were concerned enough to ask.


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## RosieL (Feb 8, 2011)

Thanks for this thread. My cousin just lost her first at 22 weeks. My mom immediately started asking (me, thankfully, not cuz) about her weight and speculating about reasons. I tried to gently correct her and suggest that the loss, not the cause (if any) should be the focus and supporting mama. Anyway I'm getting an engraved charm for her with baby's name. I have a couple questions:

1) Would you put a birthdate on the charm?

2) Do any of you have ideas for a memento for dad?


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *RosieL*
> 
> Thanks for this thread. My cousin just lost her first at 22 weeks. My mom immediately started asking (me, thankfully, not cuz) about her weight and speculating about reasons. I tried to gently correct her and suggest that the loss, not the cause (if any) should be the focus and supporting mama. Anyway I'm getting an engraved charm for her with baby's name. I have a couple questions:
> 
> ...


It's good that you're being so supportive - it warms my heart.

Different women hold on to different dates. If she delivered, the due date might be special for her. If you're unsure I think the name is fine.

For a dad, I guess it depends on what kind of guy he is, but a tree or bulbs or other plant might be nice for him. Its something you can take care of watch grow, so it can be kind of a positive reminder. I can't think of anything else though - guys are so funny about how they deal with this. Sometimes they say nothing for months and you think they've forgotten, and then they mention it and you realize its always been there.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I think you find out who your true friends are when these things happen. My best guy friend called me out of the blue and when I answered this is what he said

" I haven't talked to you in awhile and I know you're hurting, I just want you to know I care about you and I really hope you'll be okay. You're a tough lady but that doesn't mean you can't tell me about your hurt. I love you".

Validation! Wow I got of the phone and literally bawled after that call. DH reminded me I do have some great friends who do really care so screw the rest who don't know how to respond to someones hurt.


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## Alphaghetti (May 26, 2005)

About 13 years ago, my sister in law lost her second child at 16 weeks along. I had not been pregnant yet at this point. My DH told me that she was getting flowers and cards from people, and asked if we should send flowers. I remember saying no and honestly wondering why people were making such a big deal about a miscarriage. Ugh. I had NO idea, and I think that's the reason that some people respond with insensitivity - because they have no idea how it feels to lose a child. It took me becoming pregnant with my first baby to realize how absolutely devastating it would be to lose the baby I was carrying. Stupid, I know, but I really didn't understand. Thank goodness I didn't know SIL very well, so it wasn't weird that I didn't reach out to her. We have become very close, and have talked about this since.

Some horrible things people said to me after I lost James:

- "Oh that's too bad. Anyway, I am just so SICK of being pregnant. I can barely sleep at night and my sciatica is really bothering me."

- from my obstetrician at my follow-up after delivery - "I don't understand why you're so upset. Miscarriages happen all the time. You can have another baby."

- At my nephew's bday party, about 6 wks after my loss (upon breaking down in the bathroom after seeing a pregnant woman due the same time I would have been) "Wow, you're still upset about that?"

- "At least you already have kids"

- "What did you do wrong?"

Another thing that REALLY hurt, and something I will never forget - my mother came to help out with my girls, as I was a mess and needed her help. DH could not take any more time off work, as we were paycheque to paycheque, and he had no sick days or anything like that as a buffer. I appreciate that my mother dropped everything to come and help me, but she wasn't much help. The second day she was there, I stayed in bed and she got up with my girls (ages 3 and 1 at that time). When I went downstairs after a couple of hours of crying, she told me I was selfish, and how could I just lay in bed all day and leave her to take care of the girls. They need me too. Also, about four days or so after she got there, I was hugging DH in the kitchen and crying. She came in and look bewildered, and kept asking what was wrong. I kept telling her I was ok just sad. She asked me what I was sad about....







. When I finally snapped at her, "Mom, my baby died. I am sad!", she followed me up to my bedroom and began berating me about how I spoke to her, and told me I needed to get over it, it had been long enough. Um...it wasn't even a WEEK after I had delivered my dead son. Her behaviour after our loss has permanently impacted the way I feel about her. Sad, but true.

Good things to say:

"I am so sorry"

"I love you"

A hug or as a previous poster said, a hand squeeze speaks VOLUMES over any words you can say.


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## RosieL (Feb 8, 2011)

Well, at a family thanksgiving gathering (16 people in a small house) my cousin was visibly upset by my presence (I'm about the same due date as she was), and muttered under her breath that she was miserable with a pregnant lady in the room. I felt terrible and just tried to say out of the same room for the rest of the night, thanked the stars there were two separate dinner tables, and quickly replied and changed the subject when people asked about my pregnancy. She so swiftly moved away from me that I didn't make any gestures of support at the party. I feel so bad that I'm such a terrible reminder of her loss. Hopefully some of the immediate will dissipate by Christmas.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Rosie- I am so sorry that you are in this position. I have been on both ends of it and it is so hard. I would suggest talking to your cousin before hand. Maybe sending her an e-mail or letter would be better than a call, then she can process it on her own time. I would say something to the effect of I am very very sorry for your loss and deeply sorry that my pregnancy is a constant reminder for you and causes you so much pain. I would never intintionally cause you pain/harm and would like to know what I can do to ease your discomfort. (she is hormonal (hormones from pg carry on for a while and definately affect ones behavior after a loss), possibly depressed, and grieving so focussing on what you can do for her will make her feel a litttle better (i think)). If you send a letter maybe send her a token like a piece of jewelry (forget me nots are good) in memory of her baby. If she named her baby make sure ot address it by name. Also at your family gathering it is ok to tell people that you don't want to talk about your pregnancy/baby as you are aware that it is very hard for your cousin. I personally would have been very honored if someone stood up for me in that way. I don't know how recent her loss was or what your relationship with her is but I think some version of the above would be helpful for your christmas get together.


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