# no heartbeat at my 19 week ultrasound



## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I don't even know what to say. I spent all day trying to decide whether to find out the sex and my whole family dh and two ds's went to the ultrasound together. We were so happy looking at the little baby. But I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound tech said she had to go out for a minute and check some measurements. I said to my dh, that is not normal.

Then she came back in with the doctor and they told me.

It took me years to decide to have another baby. I was so scared to do it. Scared it would be something I couldn't handle. I can't believe my life has taken this turn. I don't know where to go from here.

Someone please pinch me and wake me up.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Oh no







I've been where you are right now, it's just so unreal... I'm so, so sorry









I wish this would not happen to anyone... it's just so unfair.









You are not alone. This forum and the mamas here are so amazing & supportive. We're here for you


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

I am so, so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself.


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## Carolyn R (Mar 31, 2008)

Oh Mama...words fail at a time like this. So deeply sorry that you and your family have started down the road of grief.

It is terrible each time someone joins this forum, but please know we have all been there and will support you 100%.

The coming days and weeks will no doubt be exhausting and unreal. Please be as gentle as possible with yourself, and accept any offers of help.

Wrapping you in thoughts of peace and healing. May you be carried through on the wings of strength and grace.

Sending love to your precious little one.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm so sorry. We had all our kids at our u/s last year when we found out our son had died & it was so hard.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

So sorry for your loss mama. There are no words


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## Bubblette (Apr 26, 2009)

I am so sorry mama


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## feminist~mama (Mar 6, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss!


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

oh, mama, I am so so sorry. I'm sending you strength and peace. Be gentle with yourself down this path of grief. it's a long road, but it's one many of us in this forum are on and we are all here when you need us.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

thanks everyone. i am so sad and unsure of what to do. I havent spoken to my midwife but my dh did. She said my option were a d and e or an induction in the hospital. I am 19 weeks but the ultrasound showed fetal demise about 15 weeks. Although I did have a midwife appt at 15 1/2 weeks and everything was fine. I don't want to labor and deliver this baby. I don't want to go tp the hospital. I dont want to go tan abortion clinic. I dont know what to do . Its so unfair that I took so many years to decide and now this loss so far along. and this was my last chance. i will be 40 in a few months. i just dont even know how i will get out of bed again.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

Oh my I am so so incredibly sorry. I don't know why these things happen.








I send you and your family peace as you make this very difficult decision.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I am so sorry.
Since you are questioning what to do and don't seem happy with your options I want to offer some more. There are herbs you can take that may start labor if you want to deliver at home. There are things they could give you at the doctor (pills or suppositories) that you can take at home to start labor (they will probably also give you pain meds if you want them). There is also the option of waiting it out. I know it is very hard but some women find more peace with that than anything else and believe their body will let go when it's ready. They really can not make you do anything with this baby, at 19weeks you don't need a death certificate or anything and can bury the baby in your backyard if you wish. Take your time and find what is in your heart mama, make sure you have peace with what you decide and don't let anyone pressure you into anything.








Once again, I am so, so deeply sorry


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)




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## mamatogirls (Nov 23, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar situation 6 weeks ago. I had my daughter at 18w 2 days. There was no heartbeat at the ultrasound and everything was fine at 15 1/2 weeks, strong heartbeat.

I know the options are not good but I chose to be induced(even thought I hate hospitals) b/c for me it was closure to see and hold my baby even though it was a very hard thing to go through. The hospital took pictures of her feet and hands, gave me footprints and other keepsakes, we named her, they filled out a birth certificate for us with her weight and length. They are nice to have b/c you will feel so empty inside at least they are memories to hold and cherish. I did not choose to wait for labor to happen on it's own b/c I was scared of the changes that death would have on my baby and wanted to see her as soon as possible so that was another reason I chose induction.

Placentas often to not want to come out on their own in the second trimester and you can loose alot of blood. I was planning a homebirth with this pregnancy and was going to try to have the baby at home still once I found out she passed but I was glad I didn't b/c my placenta had to be manually removed in the OR after 3 hrs of waiting for it to come on it's own and I lost alot of blood.

The one thing I wish I did was actually hold her longer but I was in shock and scared, but I do not regret 1 second of being induced over having a D&E. I got my wish to see my baby and it really helped. Whatever you choose I hope you heal quickly. Take care.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamatogirls* 
The one thing I wish I did was actually hold her longer but I was in shock and scared, but I do not regret 1 second of being induced over having a D&E. I got my wish to see my baby and it really helped. Whatever you choose I hope you heal quickly. Take care.

Yes, this. I know you're scared now, but my feeling about this is - do everything you wouldn't want to regret later. You can't go back and have a do-over. So DO it all. Get the pictures taken, hold the baby even if you're scared. You will at least have the memory, and the pictures to look back on, later. Rarely do we regret doing those things afterward. But you may regret NOT having done it.

I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I wish my words could hold you.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry mama


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry, mama. Mamatogirls has given you some great advice, I think.







Sweet little baby


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

Thank you so much. I am going to have a D and E. I can't bear the thought of delivering and seeing my baby dead. I can't bear it. There is nothing there but a body which is not in good shape according to the ultrasound. I want to remember my baby alive, floating, beautiful, perfect. What could have been not what really is.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Sending my love


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts.


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## mamatogirls (Nov 23, 2009)

Just wanted to add that I was very scared to see what my baby looked like b/c in the ultrasound she didn't look quite right but when I had her she wasn't scary at all, she looked like she was sleeping. I wish you strength to get through this hard time.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I'm glad you are making choices that bring you the most peace. We're here if you need to talk.


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## Jen+6 (Nov 5, 2009)

We were in a very similar situation last October - went in for a regular visit at 18 weeks and had an ultrasound showing no heartbeat. I wish I could tell you there is some easy path, but there isn't. Though all my other births were homebirths, we chose to go to the hospital for an induction. I'm very glad I went that route as my placenta refused to let go after she was born and I ended up bleeding tons and getting a D&E to take care of the placenta.

I did hold my daughter, and though she did not look perfect, I do not regret seeing her and holding her. Still today I ache to be able to hold her once more. I wish I had held her just a little longer, held her little hands and feet. I also wish we had taken hand and foot prints. I know other people who did that and I so wish I had those so I could remember how little, yet how perfect her hands and feet were.

My best friend said, "I've never known anyone who regretted seeing their baby, but I have known people who regretted NOT seeing their baby." But only you can decide what is right for you.

Please take care of yourself and your husband. You both have a long and difficult road in front of you. Please do not let this tragedy come between the two of you.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

I'm so sorry. Do what is right for you. ((HUGS))








sweet baby


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## mothergoose518 (Feb 3, 2010)

I am so sorry mama. My son died at 17 weeks and was born at 17 weeks 4 days. Even though his body evidenced several days worth of decay, he was so perfect and exquisite. We spent 18 hours with his body and it will never be enough. I have a friend who lost her son at a similar gestation and had planned to do a D and E but changed her mind... she is so thankful she had that time with him, has the pictures, etc. If you would like to see some pictures to help kind of prepare you I posted an album of pictures on the Honoring Our Babies thread.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I had the D and E yesterday. It was horrible, but all of the alternatives felt horrible. We had the little baby cremated, and I found out that it was a girl. And that has completely put me over the edge. I have boys and even though I would never have admitted it to anyone, I desperately wanted a girl. To lose my baby, and to have it be a girl. I can't even bring myself to tell anyone that I know the gender of the baby. I don't know I'm going to survive this. Every piece of my life is tied into having this baby. All my plans up until her due date in august, everything. I feel completely destroyed. I know I have to get out of bed and take care of my kids but I can't. My ds is doing a good job for now. My MIL was here but she has left. I am not coping at all. It just feels so unfair. I keep telling myself it could be worse, it could be worse. I have two beautiful children already. But, I had that girl I always wanted and I didn't get to keep her. And it is so uncommon to miscarry at 19 weeks, and why me. I am healthy, in good shape. The eholw last 4 1/2 months have been a complete waste and the next 4 1/2 will be a nightmare.
I did manage to call a therapist today, clearly I am going to need help. Akk my friends are trying to come over but I just want everyone to leave me alone. No one can make it beter for me. It's all ruined.


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## Jen+6 (Nov 5, 2009)

I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. You are not alone and you can get through this. There is no magic wand to wave to make the pain go away. It hurts - I know, I've been there. Try to take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

These days are dark, hard days.


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Grieving is horrible. It's so dark and painful and so hopeless.


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## green23 (Aug 3, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are in a very difficult place at the moment. I was there two months ago when we lost our baby at 16w6d. The first month was so hard. We are blessed with four other children and it was very hard to get up and care for them not to mention deal with their own grief and understanding of what had happened.

But I want to tell you that you can and will get through this even though it doesn't seem like it. I so understand your feelings of having planned the next few months until the birth and beyond. In some ways, the re-planning the next year has been one of the hardest things. I don't think I was even conscious of how much I had planned in my head! But slowly, with the help of friends and family and this forum, I have learned to deal with the loss.

The disappointment, sorrow and hurt are still there but less so. Just take each day as it comes, or even just each hour that it comes. Look after yourself. I found massage really helped. Being selfish and choosing carefully who to spend time with also helped. Telling people and dealing with their reactions was hard but once I got over that, it was done.

My four year old still talks about dead babies and a month ago that would have made me cry but today I just give him a hug and tell him I'm also sad the baby died and it's okay.

I hope the replies to your thread will be helpful.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry, hun.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I just so badly wanted to have a daughter. I should never have found out the gender. I feel like that has made it so much worse. Now I am the mother of a daughter I will never know. And I can never take that back. I can never just be the mother of all boys again. But I don't get to have a daughter. I just can't believe how bad this hurts. I just can't ever envision feeling happy again. And then I think, I'll get pregnant as soon as possible.....but that won't be this baby. And it just all comes crashing back down.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I am so appreciative of all your replies. Thank-you so much. I went and talked to a therpist today and it helped a bit, sort of. But just getting in the car and going somwhere and coming home again felt a little normal. That was nice. And talking about having another baby, like it was a real possibility made me feel a little better too. Although, I really can't imagine it as a real possibility at this point.

thanks all you wonderful mamas


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I went through something very similar about 15 months ago. I know that right now everything seems like it couldn't ever get better, but it does. Time does make it easier. Until then, you have a lot of support from the women here who have walked this path before you.







s


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## Carolyn R (Mar 31, 2008)

Hello, Mama...

I had posted yesterday, but I saw your update and wanted to let you know how much you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

The first days and months after a loss, in my experience, are completely disorienting. It's as if someone drops your life on the ground; it shatters into a million pieces and you spend your days trying to put it back together in a way that makes sense again.

The tiny things that make up a day must all be relearned and experienced in a new way. And it's all hard. But as many of the other posters have said, it DOES somehow get easier over time.

I had a few thoughts:

- Does your community have a SHARE group? SHARE is an support organization for infant loss; there are hundreds of chapters nationwide. I attended meetings for months after losing our daughter; it was a lifeline to talk to other parents going through similar emotions.

- Have you thought about naming your daughter? It can really help validate her existence. I am so incredibly sorry that knowing her gender is adding to your grief. Even though she is no longer with you physically, she will always be your daughter, and you her forever mother.

- Could you start a memory box for her? You could include things such as ultrasound pictures, belly pictures if you have any, a journal you keep, momentos from others, etc.

Again, please know there are so many moms on here that are holding you close in our hearts tonight. Wishing you a journey of comfort and healing.


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## jemika (Jan 15, 2010)

Sorry for your loss. I am posting just to let you know that I went through the exact same thing. The midwife, told me to go to the hospital for an emergency sonogram, there was no heartbeat. They wanted me to vaginally deliver the still born baby. I told them after i deliver they might as well put my recovery in the psych ward, b/c I would go crazy. They inserted seaweed sticks, I believe. This was around 7pm, and the next day they did a D&C.

This happened November 2003. I was unsure of the sex, my 2 daughters gave the baby the nickname Sara Star. It does get a little easier, but the angel baby will always be a member of your family. we still speak about Sara star, and I saved her sonogram pictures.

I found out my lil angel Sara Star had Trisomy 18, this condition is incompatible with life, so s/he would have died shortly after birth or in infancy.

Each day it gets a little easier to cope.














s


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss mama. We found out our last baby didn't have a hb at my 15 week visit.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

So sorry...I've had two m/c but never that far along. I desperately wish I knew the genders, because it would make it feel more real. Those are my babies, I may never get to hold them, but they are still mine. I also encourage you to consider naming her...I know everything feels so awful right now, and maybe months from now..maybe it'll take more than a year, but I think one day you'll look back and be happy you knew you had a daughter, and that her name was ___, and she was yours, and you are glad that you got to love her and be with her, even if it was just in your womb for a few months. Please be gentle with yourself. I know no one can say anything to make it feel better...it will be a lifetime of grief...right now is the worst stage and there's sometimes nothing better to do than cry. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to and seek whatever support you need...I don't know if this will comfort you or not, but I am so thankful my babies are in heaven, they are being taken care of. This is so hard...loss is just so hard. Prayers for you mama.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

thanks everyone for all your kind words. Today started out a little better but I am really really strugglig with the fact that this was our last baby. I feel like the only shred of hope I have is that I could have another baby. But then I realize that it isn't a realistic hope at all. There ia no way my dh will ever allow me to go through something like this again. I am about to be 40. THis was my last baby. I spent years trying to get to a point with dh where I felt like we could handle having another baby. This was it. we agreed at the beginning that if anyhting happened, this was it. Of course I never believed anything would happen. Not a chance. This baby wanted to come so bad which is why I was plagued by an inability to just move on and love the two boys I have and be done having children. It has already been a long road if marital issues surrounding my eed for another and my dh feeling very ambivalent towards the idea. I know in my heart ftaer what we have just experienced it would be years before he could ever get me pregnant. And I already feel like three months from now would be too late.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

I'm so glad today started out better for you. It's a journey. If months from now you and DH both feel like another baby might be a possibility, don't get yourself down by the number 40, it could still happen for you and be just fine. Just allow yourself that possibility if you both feel strongly about it. But if you do decide this was your last, I hope you will be able to find a feeling of contentment. I know that feeling of needing another baby...it can be such a strong feeling, and it's so hard to overcome. Stay close to you DH, it's so hard for men to understand all the feelings women go through, with wanting babies, and with loss, because they don't have to physically experience it. Anyways, you keep posting and keeping us updated if it's helping you in any way...we are all connected and there's nothing but compassion & empathy from all of us for a woman experiencing loss...a big virtual hug to you!


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamapajama* 
I spent years trying to get to a point with dh where I felt like we could handle having another baby. This was it. we agreed at the beginning that if anyhting happened, this was it. Of course I never believed anything would happen. Not a chance. This baby wanted to come so bad which is why I was plagued by an inability to just move on and love the two boys I have and be done having children. It has already been a long road if marital issues surrounding my eed for another and my dh feeling very ambivalent towards the idea. I know in my heart ftaer what we have just experienced it would be years before he could ever get me pregnant. And I already feel like three months from now would be too late.

First, I'm sorry for your loss. My dh and I were in a similar situation with the baby I miscarried in August. It's hard for others to understand the pain of losing what seems like a "last chance" baby. But I was surprised by my dh's response to the miscarriage, or rather to the pain I felt. I kept saying over and over again, "I can't end like this. I can't end with a loss." I was heartbroken. Dh didn't lose all of his ambivalence, but I believe his witnessing my heartbreak at the m/c did make his ambivalence go down...mostly because it was so important to me. I'm not sure he understood just how important another child was to me until we lost the baby.

We chose to go ahead with trying to conceive, and I'm so thankful for that. Take some time to heal, talk with your partner about how you're feeling and what you think would heal your hurt, and see what happens.







You may be surprised.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Couldn't read and not post.

I lost my first baby at 12.5 weeks. I had two u/s before that were perfect and then I started to M/c at home and i had no idea what was going on. In fact it was really terrible because i kept calling my OB and she kept telling me the pain was "in my head" and i was "probably just constipated" YEP SERIOUSLY SHE SAID THIS. I labored all night and the baby came shooting out into the toilet







It was the most devastating thing I had ever ever gone through







I still have sad thoughts about it on weekly/monthly basis (at least not daily any more).

I wish I could give you a GIANT hug. I also wish I had more people in real life to talk with about these things...it's so hard and for people who've never gone through it it can make them feel really uncomfortable or say really awkward things









I am glad to hear you found out the gender. I didn't ...I probably could have but the "baby" looked like a giant bloody ball and i didn't know or have the energy to sort through it (if you kwim). I "feel" like it was a girl and had several dreams about a girl named Ava. So i feel like that is her. I still feel bad that I don't know though...as if like what if it is a boy and it's unfair that i think of it as a girl? and then i think how crazy that all sounds...









Giant hugs mama and know that there are (unfortunately SO many of us out here)


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