# "Aware Parenting Method" Anybody?



## Jimibell (Feb 18, 2003)

I have recently been trying to practice the "aware parenting" method, which I learned about in the book written by Aletha J. Solter.
Until we started this method most nights my 16 month old baby nursed herself blissfully to sleep and I was quite happy with this predictable and enjoyable routine.
However from this book I have found that I may have been "overnursing" my dd. This means that I was nursing her anytime she felt a little discomfort and needed to actually cry. So I have taught her to nurse instead of let her feelings out. In theory this sounds like it makes sense and it is most likey true in my case, however the alternative has been quite challenging.
Now my baby cries for 20 to 30 minutes before she falls asleep and I encourage her to do so with soft words and being right there for her through it all. This often makes me feel sad during the crying session and guilty after she falls asleep. However, these feelings may be a result of my not letting my own feelings out.
Well anyway, my question is: has anyone out there done this method and what do they think of it? Or have you heard of or are familiar with any criticisms of this method?
She has been quite agreeable since I've been doing this, except when she's screaming her head off. And she's been sleeping very well, also, she has gone from nursing 12-20 times a day to 6 or 7, quite quickly.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.


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## beanzer (Feb 3, 2003)

Wow, I'm sorry, but that sounds really awful. I am familiar with Aletha Solter, but I had no idea she recommended letting a 16 mo old baby scream herself to sleep because it's good for her.

Sounds like just another version of CIO to me.

No matter how reasonable Dr. Solter seems in writing, you are the only one who knows what is truly going on with your babe. If it feels wrong to YOU to let your little one cry for 20 - 30 minutes because she wants comfort and you refuse to give it to her, then it probably IS wrong.

She's just a baby. You can't "over-nurse" her. But you can neglect her, make her unhappy and harm her ability to trust you.

Be careful.


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## grumo (Dec 12, 2001)

I have read Solter and I agree that we tend to do whatever it takes to get a baby or child to stop crying, when perhaps a release of those tears is quite healthy and good. I do not agree that nursing for comfort is a negative thing.

When my child hurts herself or becomes very frustrated I wait to nurse until dd asks. Sometimes I encourage her to talk about what hurts or how she got frustrated to put off nursing for a few more tears.

My biggest conflict with crying is that if I hold off nursing too long, then the crying becomes ABOUT the lack of nursing instead of the original issue. And I am not okay with that. Solter promises that after the child gets over the need for the comfort object (breast, pacifier or whatever) they will stop crying on their own and be much happier. That has not been my experience.

I have tried to withhold nursing to the end of crying, but have never gotten there. It has not felt right. I feel strongly that she should cycle through the need to cry, but if I am withholding comfort, it seems and feels very very wrong.

Good Luck. Take from what you read and hear what feels right. If you cognitively believe what Solter writes, but after giving it a good try it doesn't feel right, then don't do it.

One question - did you make a change because something wasn't working or because this book made you feel like you were doing it wrong?

Okay two questions - Are you really comfortable with the sudden drop in nursing? While I would love it if my dd didn't nurse 20x a day, If she suddenly dropped I would have concern that she might wean prematurely or that she was avoiding nursing becasue she thought that I did not want to. (Boy, I hesitated writing this because I don't want to put concerns into your head. But if you have already had these thoughts, listen to them).


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## geekmom (Jan 12, 2002)

Yes, I went to a workshop on Aware Parenting. I totally agree that it makes sense to allow children to cry. Crying is NOT bad. Crying does not always mean soemthing is wrong. I think comfort nursing is totally okay, but first check and see if there's something else that is going on. At night, as I said in another post, I think it's great to let a child over about 9 months cry themselves to sleep, not panicky screaming, not hunger, etc. Just regular angry or overtired crying. It helps them process their feelings and such.

The scientific research on crying shows that for children or adults it is psychologically beneficial to cry when you need to. Adults would probably cry in far far more situations than they do but they've been trained not to. They've been trained that either solve the problem or don't cry about it. I think that we should try to encourage our kids to cry out anything their bodies feel like.

I probably wouldn't advocate something liek this to a group of non-AP parents, but my feeling is that AP parents are very in tune with their children's crying and with a little practice can probably differentiate the cries that mean things like hunger, tiredness, boredom, pain, panic, etc. so allowing children to do the types of crying that are not those listed above is really okay for the kids. If I can't figure out quickly what my kids' crying is about I just listen for awhile and watch. If they move towards soemthing or make an emotion clear I support them in it. If it's something easily solvable (like finding the lost blankie or getting a toy down for them or something) I do it other than that I let them cry and support them in what they're feeling.

I'm totally with you in feeling that Attachment Parenting and Aware Parenting go together.


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## tinams8 (Aug 3, 2002)

I'm not familiar with this method either, but it doesn't sit right with me. Of course, my son doesn't nurse 12 times a day either.

My thought is, if it's bedtime and I don't nurse him, he is crying because he wants to nurse, not because he wants to express himself or let out his feelings or whatever. It's the same as if he wanted me to hug him and I didn't want to for some reason, as I see it.

My philosophy on nursing to sleep is, it's easy, it works, and it's nice. If it ain't broke...

Tina


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## sea island mama (Dec 17, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Jimibell_
*Until we started this method most nights my 16 month old baby nursed herself blissfully to sleep and I was quite happy with this predictable and enjoyable routine.*
I am not familiar with this method either, but I have to agree with Tina. Why would you stop nursing your baby to sleep if you didn't have to







: I recently had to do this with my 2.5 y.o. due to a pregnacy nursing aversion & we went through he** getting her to sleep without it.
I agree with starting to set limits as the baby gets older & maybe the amount of nursing is affecting your parenting abilities (tired, irritable, etc.). Offering a hug or other consolation for minor causes of crying becomes quite acceptable the older they get. On the other hand, I have never heard of "over-nursing" at any age. Something I have heard from several different sources is that a need that is met will go away, whereas if it is not met it will become stronger & possibly manifest later in other behavioral problems.
I can't see how allowing your baby to cry herself to sleep can be good for her sense of security - whether you are there or not, it still sounds like a version of CIO to me








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## I Believe in Fairies (Apr 17, 2002)

I read that book and I have to say I have very strong feelings against it. I think it is just CIO in a different guise. I also think it is anti-extended breastfeeding and anti-AP.

If you were happy, and your daughter was happy with nursing to sleep then how, *how* is that making her not deal with her emotions?

I have had a "Don't offer, don't refuse" policy with nursing for my DD since she turned a year old. She is two and a half and nurses to sleep and nurses to wake up. She is a joyful nurser. When Annabelle is really upset she does not ask to nurse, plain and simple.

To me being an AP mom is not about refusing to let a child cry, but *responding* to the cries. Attachment Parenting was holding my daughter through her colic and trying to find a way to help her pain. It was *not* giving her pills, or shoving a boob in her mouth whenever she cried. When a child doesn't want to nurse, they don't. When they want to scream, they do. When a child arches that back and screams there is no wrestling that kid into anything, period.

As for the whole way to respond to crying - if someone did to me what that book suggests I would drop kick them from my life. When I read the book I asked myself "How would I feel as an adult if someone did this to me?" and the answer was that I'd be horrified. Say I were sitting in my bedroom sobbing. If my husband were to see this and just look at me or say "Go ahead and get those emotions out" I would be crushed. A hug would be in order, as would a "Why are you crying?"

Babies are not adults, they are not creatures of ration. These sweet little being are just learning that they have emotions and how to label them. They don't know the word for angry yet. We teach these words to our children just like we teach them to say "mama" or "water". My daughter can now say "I am very angry" when she is in fact angry. When she tells me her emotion we look at what can be done. Is she angry that she can't pull the cat by her tail? Well, there is nothing to be done. Is she angry because her toothbrush is just out of reach? Well then I can hand Annabelle her toothbrush or show her how to get it.

Another of my issues with this book is that it tell parents they are bad and have cause their babies to become addicts. During the first year of life we do offer to nurse often because often the baby is hungry! I am so happy that I had decided on a nurse on demand with my daughter. If I hadn't, I don't think I would have had good milk supply! But if a baby doesn't want to nurse, they don't! They arch their backs and turn their heads away and scream with mouths wide open. There is no getting a latch out of a baby or even toddler who doesn't want to nurse.

Please, please don't invalidate your own emotional response to your DD's pain and tears. I feed sad when I hear a stranger's baby crying. It's no wonder that you would feel sad and hearing you DD cry. I do too.

It's hard work nursing a toddler. There are days I feel like my breasts will never be my own. But I remind myself that this time is very short. Nursing will not last forever and in the blink of an eye weening will have happened. When it's gone, you can never get it back.

The reason I read this book is because a friend of mine thought it was great and was applying it to her son. I watched him go from a loving, sweet and deeply empathic toddler to a child who was withdrawal and had that glazed over look in his eye that CIO babies have. By the time he was two he "knew" his parents didn't love him enough to hug him when he cried. It broke my heart. I still cry when I think about how sad his eyes looked. I had to stop seeing his family to preserve my own emotional well being.

So this is how I see that book, this is what I think and this is what I experienced from it. I'm sorry this has been so long winded, but my emotions and thoughts on this issue just can't seem to be expressed in a few short sentences. I really like "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" from LLL. It has helped me with my own emotions about nursing my daughter.


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## stafl (Jul 1, 2002)

I'd have to say I mostly agree with what the other moms have already said. Your post made me sad when I read it. I thought, "so that's what they mean when I've heard someone talking about 'weaning behavior'."
If you had no problem with nursing to sleep, why change it? It works if it works for you. Don't ever let some "expert" tell you to do anything that goes against your gut instincts! You are the foremost expert on your child - nobody knows that baby better than you do! But don't let what we say influence your opinion, either. You have to do what's right for you and your family.
Your daughter will stop nursing to sleep when she doesn't need it anymore. My two year old sometimes goes to sleep without nursing now, but it was her choice, not mine! A baby who needs to cry will cry, regardless. Stuffing a bb in her face won't stop a well-needed release of emotions, and would just make my DD that much angrier! I also don't see how in the world you can "overnurse" a child. The whole concept seem ludicrous to me.


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## spatulagirl (Feb 21, 2002)

I think that "Aware Parenting" is a very bad name for this method!

I will simply agree with what everyone else here has said. I really don't think you can overnurse a baby or toddler. My son self-weaned at 17-months and I can tell you if he didn't want to nurse there was no forcing him! I nursed him to sleep until the day he didn't want it anymore. He is a happy outgoing wonderful little boy who knows his mommy and daddy adore him more than anything else in the world. We also think it is good for him to cry but we do it differently than the Aware Parenting method. We let him cry while hugging and rocking him and telling him it is ok to cry. Never have we told him to stop crying or to be a big boy. we let him cry and get those feelings out but with much love and support from us.


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## untomySelf (Apr 13, 2003)

I think Elizabeth's heartful and empathetic post said everything I would say on this as well.

I personally do not see anything AP about doing this to a child. I too, have seen the subtle (and not so subtle) changes in children left to cry, period.

A child left to cry, has to by nature develop self soothing techniques to cope. Translated into adult life, this can become oral addictions like smoking, an inability to show need and desire, an over compensation by crying too much..I mean the list goes on and on.

Trust yourself and your own heart


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## sarasprings (Mar 30, 2003)

I started reading that book, and some of her ideas made sense. I put it down and returned it to the library, though, when I read her theory on autism.

The one thing I did take away from the book, though, was to validate my son's feelings when he was upset, rather than stifle them. When he falls, for example, I hold him and talk to him about how the fall must or hurt or startled him. I give him lots of hugs and let him recover in his own time.


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## Jimibell (Feb 18, 2003)

Thank you all of you for your insightful responses!
I tried the method for 4 days and now I have decided not to continue.
However, I did learn some things from this experience.

The reason why I decided to try it was that my normally very easy-going, not clingy 16 month old dd became very, very clingy and whiny after having roseola. I suspected the sickness was the cause but I was not sure as it had never happened before. She also threw a few tantrums, which I had never experienced and I was quite shaken up by.

So I picked up the book and found that I agreed with a lot of what she had to say, in theory. She does very much advocate practices in keeping with AP, such as extended breastfeeding, natural weaning, co-sleeping, and playing with your baby.
So naturally I was open to her ideas as they seemed similar to mine.

The most important thing I've learned from this experience is that CHILDREN ARE WAY TOO UNIQUE AND MYSTERIOUS FOR SOME "EXPERT" TO WRITE A WHOLE BOOK ABOUT AND ACTUALLY BE CORRECT!

Also after having tried it I've found that a lot of the concerns that others mentioned in their post seem to be true.
My biggest doubt was, how does she know that what she is saying is true...she gives no empirical data to back up her claims and not enough anecdotal either.

I am happy that she nurses less now. Not because I'm so caught up in how often she does it, more because I feel like I have a choice...I do believe that I was giving her the breast often when she may have needed something else, such as my undivided attention or to cry or to be held, etc. And until now I always felt like I could never interfere with the sacred breastfeeding for fear she would flip out...now I feel quite liberated knowing that I can go 4 or 5 hours without giving it to her and she's perfectly fine with it.

Another point, the crying sessions are different from CIO in that you are there with the child the whole time. However, I agree with the argument that the child most likey has no clue what's going and it may lead to more frustration on her part, or worse yet, a feeling of betrayal, which is what I feared she was feeling.

Another positive outcome is that I have gotten over my fear of her crying and have come to accept it as not necessarily a bad thing. Now I do not encourage the crying (which Solter advocates) but I also do not hinder it.

We had such a great thing going before she got sick and now that she's not clingy or tantrum-like I feel much better.

And we have our sweet evenings back and she is so content. AND she breastfeeds less, which is good for me....it's a nice amount for me as I have no intention of encouraging her to wean anytime soon.

Please excuse the long post, it's been quite an experience and even though it was hard I feel more in touch my dd and feel more confident as a mom, knowing that the choices I make instinctively are the right ones for us...


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## rwikene (Jun 10, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Jimibell_
*The reason why I decided to try it was that my normally very easy-going, not clingy 16 month old dd became very, very clingy and whiny after having roseola. I suspected the sickness was the cause but I was not sure as it had never happened before. She also threw a few tantrums, which I had never experienced and I was quite shaken up by.

Another point, the crying sessions are different from CIO in that you are there with the child the whole time. However, I agree with the argument that the child most likey has no clue what's going and it may lead to more frustration on her part, or worse yet, a feeling of betrayal, which is what I feared she was feeling.*
First of all, your DD sounds like a normal 16mo...they all have tantrums, they all become clingy at times. I think maybe your expectations of what a 16mo can and cannot do are a little off balance. I find it very odd when someone says their kid "never" tantrums...how is that possible??????

Also, I disagree with you that the "crying sessions" are different than CIO simply b/c you are there with the child. Um, well if you are not filling a need in your child (the need to be nursed, the need to be nurtured, the need to be taken care of) and just listening to your child cry then it is in fact CRY IT OUT!!! At 16mo most children still need to be soothed to sleep, breastfed or not...I think it is horrible to let a child just cry and cry to sleep.

Ok, well I better leave this thread now, I'm getting all worked up....I'm going back to diapering where I don't feel so much like this


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## tinams8 (Aug 3, 2002)

It sounds like you made the right decision for you. It's so hard sometimes, to read all these books and weed out the useful info.

And as the mom of a 15 month old, tantrums, screaming and crying, and widely varying amounts of nursing sound absolutely normal. Alarming, but still normal!







:

Tina


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## grumo (Dec 12, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by spatulagirl_
*We also think it is good for him to cry but we do it differently than the Aware Parenting method. We let him cry while hugging and rocking him and telling him it is ok to cry. Never have we told him to stop crying or to be a big boy. we let him cry and get those feelings out but with much love and support from us.*
I just want to jump back in here and say that this is EXACTLY what I got from Aware Baby. Crying is natural, good and healing if it is done AFTER all needs have been met. I think the theory is good, but sometimes I think Solter takes it too far especially with regards to breastfeeding. She absolutely DOES NOT advocate letting a child cry alone. It is very important to Solter that you hold and support a crying baby, and you do this only after you have attempted to meet all her needs.

I wanted to clarify, because I and Jimibell and many people I know personally have gotten something particularly valuable out of Solter's book: that it is okay too cry and it is okay for children to cry. In fact to distract from their need to cry may be harmful. I feel like a lot of people who haven't read the book read the original post and jumped on it because it did sound a lot like CIO the way Jimibell described it.

I just don't want the book to be thrown out the window altogether. It does have some valuable insights and I know several people personally and on these boards who have gotten value and help from the book. Do a search and you will find many threads that do not condemn the book or the process (though they do offer deserved criticism, especially regarding nursing for comfort).


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I think geekmom had some very interesting points. As one who was very anti-binky, I was similarly anti-sticking my boob in my DD's mouth every time she made a peep. I didn't want my nursing to become the very thing that I can't stand seeing with other kids who have pacifiers - the second they start to express any type of crying emotion, you stick something in their mouth to quiet them. Not saying ALL people who use pacifiers abuse them, please don't be offended binky moms!

I think that there is a happy medium between CIO and chronic nursing. I absolutely do not believe in CIO and personally, I think 20 - 30 minutes of crying is too much. If my 16 month old were nursing 20 times per day, I would agree that that is too much.

And, of course, when we are talking about a very young babe then I don't think offering oral comfort 99% of the time is wrong either. It's just with toddlers that I think it becomes a way of quieting them when they have things they need to express.

I think it's an interesting theory actually. I would have to read the book to get a better picture but I don't totally disagree with it. I think I did when I first started reading the thread but upon reflection, I think it makes an interesting point.

But the most important thing is that if you are doing something by following the book that makes you uncomfortable, it's good to stop and follow your instincts.

Good luck!


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## Jimibell (Feb 18, 2003)

Just in response to rwikene's post:
I do not agree that all children need to throw tantrums. My daughter NEVER had until last week...so my expectations of my daughter were quite on-balance as it had never happened before.
She may do so in the future and when she does I will NOT approach it as if it's something "expected" of all babies but as a manifestation of her frustrations. The less frustrations she has the less prone she will be to tantrum, I believe. And Solter goes over this as well.
Babies who have had traumatic birth experiences and who have a lot of frustration in life may need to cry more than others.
In addition, the CIO method is where you leave the baby alone in a room to cry...the Solter method is quite different. I am not advocating it, obviously, but I do believe that it is very different. I never would have tried it if I thought it were the same thing!


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## Jimibell (Feb 18, 2003)

Another note:
I wrote in my original post:
"Now my baby cries for 20 to 30 minutes before she falls asleep and I encourage her to do so with soft words and being right there for her through it all."
How is this read as CIO?
CIO, as I understand, does not require the mom/dad to be there or else it wouldn't be done by people who just can't deal with their babies at the moment or as a method of teaching them to fall asleep ALONE, etc...
The Solter method of being right there for your baby requires undivided attention to your baby, holding her or caressing her, speaking to her kindly and lovingly, and dealing with your own emotions...She defines crying as a "need", just like hunger, etc.
It has nothing to do with putting the baby in a crib and closing the door.
Again, I am definately not advocating this method. I have stopped doing it...but please do not confuse the two.


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## Jimibell (Feb 18, 2003)

Sorry, I just have to add:
I found rwikene's response quite discouraging and negative. It is not appropriate to assume that one's own experiences with one's children are the same for everyone else.
Each baby is unique, therefore it may be more productive if we all accept things as they are.
Being annoyed that another person's baby does not do what your baby does is completely meaningless.
This discussion boad is for support, advice, and exchange of ideas, not for imposing your life view on others.


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## Curious (Jan 4, 2002)

Here is a link to a previous discussion of Solter's ideas.

When I first heard these books discussed on the boards, I thought, what a lot of nonsense. But I have learned some things from Solter. But I really pick and choose what to use and when to use it. And if she saw what I do, she would probably say I don't follow her suggestions at all. The most salient point I think I've gotten is not to distract Dd when she's crying, but to encourage her to tell me what's upset her. It's amazing how much a signing 1 year old can tell you, and how she clearly loves being able to tell her story and see that we get it.

But Solter's claim that the nightly release cry is necessary...I'm not so sure. She has a real problem with anything that offers comfort, especially, it seems, the breast. To me, it seems she has ISSUES.

On the other hand, as best as I understand, she never says to let the baby or child cry alone. She states in every book I have read (I've read only 2 or 3) that the child should be held and looked at attentively. This has worked very well with my Dd, but that is only my Dd, and has nothing to do with any other child. Also, I do things Solter probably wouldn't - I kiss her, I sing, I talk to her, and if she wants to nurse, I let her go ahead.

I have not gotten to thorougly read this full thread, but I thought this other discussion I've linked to might be helpful. I'm intrigued by Solter's theories, but they are only theories as I don't see a convincing amount of clinical experience cited in the book.

Even if there was, no one "expert" is the end all. No expert in a book, or anyone else for that matter, knows your baby like you do. The parent who spends the most time with the baby is the true expert. If things were fine with your baby, I'd leave it alone. If she has broken sleep and easy irritability, or some other problem, I might consider changing something and considering some of what Solter says in deciding what approach to take.

It's helpful to keep different viewpoints in mind so that you have a lot of tools at hand when it comes to dealing with your Dc. But the crucial component is Your Instinct.

If you feel like your Dc has had sources of stress that have not been allowed to release in some way, and this method feels right for you, fine. I only resort to it when other methods have failed - usually she just wants my one on one attention, or needs a nap. If it feels really wrong, don't do it. Just because one book says you're overnursing, that doesn't mean you're overnursing.

Know the experts, but listen to your baby and yourself. And after you listen to the voices, trust what you hear.

Edited: I went back and saw your decision. I think this sort of thing is the nature of parenting. You try something, maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. You look at what happens, you make the necessary changes, and you learn something that advances you on this journey.


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i did not get the impression that rwiken was imposing her life views on you. can we all take some deep breaths? i did get the impression that rwiken has not read the aware parenting books, however, or else took them to mean something very different than i did.

i liked them. like a few folks here, i walked away with some valuable reminders and left behind what did not work for us. i felt that she was advocating supporting and loving your child through a cry. arent we all familiar with the feeling of a *good cry*? when you dont want a solution or comfort or distraction, just a shoulder to cry on? (ok, maybe just me.) as others have said, soltier advocates making sure the kids needs are met and if they still seem to want to cry, have at it. she also discusses ways a child cues you that a cry might feel good, like if she says she wants one thing so you solve it, then she crys because now she wants the opposite. i think its a lot like the tantrum article in the november/december 2002 Mothering.

i did feel uncomfortable with some of her theories on 'holding therapy'. she might be right on, but it makes me nervous- the potential for damage feels too great a risk. i think the exception may be kids with certain severe emotional problems. where is the shrugging smilie?


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## I Believe in Fairies (Apr 17, 2002)

I'd like to say I am the mother of a daughter who *never* "threw a temper tantrum" until she was two. Not a single one. DH and I were getting very full of ourselves about how well behaved Annabelle was. That has sin of ego has left us now, LOL!

I have to say I don't like the term "throw a temper tantrum" You throw a ball, not feelings. Children just hit a stage of such pure frustration that screaming is the only way to express it. I have never been one to need a good cry, but I am the type who just needs to scream in pure frustration. Childbirth sort of underlined that one ; )

The ability for children to express emotions is both immature and pure in my experience. Their feelings are just so pure and untainted. However, they just plain don't know how to tell us what they are and why they are having them. Just as a newborn can't say "I really want a clean diaper please" a toddler can't say "The dog barking really startled me. May I please have a bit of reassurance." until we teach them.

For example, as my daughter has been learning the names for emotions she does everything she can to experience them. Right now it's fear. She does everything she can to scare herself. Every halloween book is out, we talk about hospitals and needles and if something scary comes on TV she does not want it to turn off. She sits in my lap and looks at it from between her fingers. When dead, whole rabbits were fed to the tigers at the zoo she wanted to stay and see the tigers eat. The second the tigers started roaring she said "I'm too afraid now, I want to go"

There is no better aerobic workout than a two year old who has just learned what "happy" means. So far "angry" has been a trial of fire. But through all this I know that my daughter will understand her emotions and how to deal with them. That is something most adults I know struggle with daily.

Temper tantrums are totally normal behavior for toddlers. They are part of the learning and growing process. I feel that to deny them denies the child the validity of being a child. Yes tantrums are childish and immature, just like a toddler. Anger and frustration are just as much valid feelings as love a joy in my opinion.


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## Rant n Raven (May 20, 2002)

I usually just lurk but I wanted to add my 2 cents.

I am an attachment/aware baby mama combo. Before baby I was AP only all the way. I did a Natural Birth with midwife NDs. DD never experienced a carriage until she was 8 months old. She was a total in-arms baby. I am an organic food eating, nursing stay-at-home co-sleeping Mom for my 19 month old.

Ironically my little one taught me that I needed to adjust my parenting. In the same way that I take or leave the Sears depending on what my little girl needs; the same goes for Solter.

I wanted to post because my dd needs some of the Aware Baby methods.

I could tell she was different from the rest of the babies in my Mama Group in a few different aspects. Please note that these are AP Mamas who are nursing, sling users, home birthers. All these babies are so fabulous and all have their special talents and traits.

My little girl was much more into being swaddled than the rest of the little ones. She is off-the-charts grower. She is very bold and very socially interactive. When she was an infant she would scream when she peed (not a UTI.) and often nursed every 15 minutes. She has always been very empathetic. At a 14 months she would point to a crying baby in a book and pantamime crying and become a little sad. She is sweet natured but very intense. Also we are very close; She has never slept without me. There is a lot of trust between us.

At night, she would have 'dancey legs' and have a real hard time getting to sleep. She would be exhausted and wanting to sleep but feel compelled to stand up or walk around. We refered to it as 'being possesed by the standing demon.' It is very rare that I can just nurse her down. We still use the front carrier (at 19 months!), the carriage or even the car. She needs alot of wind-down. We tried the usual methods of different bedtimes, schedule etc.

Sometimes she would cry and have a temper fit. If I nursed her, often she wouldn't go to sleep and just continued to flail and cry after each nurse. This sometimes would continue until she would spit-up. Often this would go on for hours with her getting more and more distraught and exhausted. Her lack of sleep would effect her the next day and so on.

Now I try to be there for her and let her do what she needs to do. Sometimes this means her yelling and throwing a fit. I try to put her emotions into words, she will nod and point at things and sadly say baby baby while crying. Sometimes I will sing, "It's alright to cry' with new words. I will sigh out comforting words. I am always there with her. After she is so relieved. She is in control of herself and calm and satisfied.

This will upset some Mamas but also there are times she needs to be held. She will flail and cry while I hold her tightly. What is strange is that she will not try to hurt me when she is doing this. She knows that if she tried to hurt me I would put her down. She knows she can say 'down' and I would respect that if it is safe to do so. We have a variation where she will push her feet against my hand or arm. It needs to be alot of resistance or it doesn't satisfy her. My theory is all this is related to her swaddling need when she was an infant.

Many times when I have let her go she stops crying, solemnly takes my arms and puts them around herself and continues to cry and flail. After she is done, she hugs me and smiles and lays down and goes right to sleep. Truthfully, it is the one of the most bizarre expereinces of my life.

These episodes are related to major milestones, standing, walking, growth spurts and talking.

I have only come across a few parents who have children like this. You have to use your judgement..because you know your child better than anyone. Sometimes I don't know why she needs what she needs but I do know it is what she needs.


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## Curious (Jan 4, 2002)

Rant: my Dd also loved being swaddled, still enjoys the kangaroo position in the sling, and also has shown that she likes to be held while flailing a bit. I did a tarot reading on it, and it said that being held tightly while pushing against me, reminds her of life in the womb.


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

rant n raven, this makes so much sense to me! i have felt that i would have liked to be held in this way too, but thought maybe that makes me sound a bit nuts. i'll bet this is just the thing for some kids, while others would be hurt by it. once again, mamma instincts must reign supreme. by the way, i am also a particularly empathic and intense person.


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## alie (Jan 1, 2003)

I just have to respond re temper tantrums, my three year old son has never had one, honestly, so it's kind of offensive to me hear that it is "normal" to have one. He's pretty darn normal imo. Each child is "normal"(what a word!), and does what he/she wants to and responds to his/her emotions uniquely. Jimibell, I think you are very brave and honest and you went thru an honest experience and learned, honestly. I think you should just get unjudgmental support for your honesty and humanity. That's it, thanks for sharing, vy interesting.


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## I Believe in Fairies (Apr 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by alie_
*I just have to respond re temper tantrums, my three year old son has never had one, honestly, so it's kind of offensive to me hear that it is "normal" to have one. He's pretty darn normal imo. Each child is "normal"(what a word!), and does what he/she wants to and responds to his/her emotions uniquely. Jimibell, I think you are very brave and honest and you went thru an honest experience and learned, honestly. I think you should just get unjudgmental support for your honesty and humanity. That's it, thanks for sharing, vy interesting.*
Normal - Function:adjective
Etymology:Latin normalis, from norma
Date:circa 1696
1 : PERPENDICULAR; especially : perpendicular to a tangent at a point of tangency
2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
3 : occurring naturally <normal immunity>
4 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from mental disorder : SANE
5 a of a solution : having a concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter b : containing neither basic hydroxyl nor acid hydrogen <normal silver phosphate> c : not associated <normal molecules> d : having a straight-chain structure <normal pentane> <normal butyl alcohol>
6 of a subgroup : having the property that every coset produced by operating on the left by a given element is equal to the coset produced by operating on the right by the same element
7 : relating to, involving, or being a normal curve or normal distribution <normal approximation to the binomial distribution>
8 of a matrix : having the property of commutativity under multiplication by the transpose of the matrix each of whose elements is a conjugate complex number with respect to the corresponding element of the given matrix
synonym see REGULAR

In my use of the word "normal" I would be using it in the sense of definition #4 A - "of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development". It is an average stage of development for toddlers to have temper tantrums. They are expressing their feelings in one of the only ways they can. We can teach them other ways of expressing their emotions.

I think to tell yourself that your children will be one way or skip a stage of normal development before you get there can be setting yourself up for a great amount of unneeded conflict. I read about stages of development so I have a general idea of what might be going on with her. You know how most development book talk about how many blocks a child can stack by this or that age? Well, my daughter could care less about stacking blocks. I don't care that she doesn't stack blocks, but I knew it was a prospect for her. I literally ran before I walked.

I believe very strongly in nature and nurture. I *don't* personally believe that a child is a blank slate to become whatever we want them to be.


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