# Share your wackiest rules



## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

Hi there mamas,

My 3-yr old son had his best pal over the other day and they were playing on the porch/backyard. I figured, perfect place for those goofy rowdy boys--there aren't any rules out there except staying within the gate! Within an hour I realized we do have rules there:

No pouring a bucket of water on the cat
No painting the dining room window with mud
No wacking the porch furniture with beams

:LOL

Have you found yourself spouting any rules you never quite expected were necessary? I thought it might be fun to share'em!

Hilary


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## canadiangranola (Oct 1, 2004)

no fishing in the toilet
no throwing mama's tampons all over the bathroom floor/in the sink


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Don't kick Poncho (my mom's little dog)
No wiping your nose on the couch
Only a few spoonfuls of protein powder at a time
Put a diaper or pants on before helping to cook
No spitting in the house
No playing with Daddy's nipples


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## pinkersmommy (Sep 3, 2004)

:







those are great. i lol so hard.
i cant think of any wierd ones we have ill try


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## Geofizz (Sep 25, 2003)

You can only jump on the bed.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

No licking the furniture.
Wipe your snot on your own shirt.
No pouring/sprinkling your drink on your sister/brother.


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

I can't think of any weird rules we have.... I'm sure they exist, but nothing's coming to mind right now.

My neighbor has a "no whistling" rule in her house. The sound of someone whistling is like nails on a chalkboard to her. My son plays with her daughter, and both of my kids are big whistlers... so when my son is over there he gets lots of "reminders." :LOL


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## djs_girl517 (Feb 29, 2004)

Don't lick the dog
Don't drink from the dog dish

(My 7yo step-daughter likes to pretend to be a dog. Sometimes she takes it too far.)


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nikirj*
Wipe your snot on your own shirt.

LMAO!!!!


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## Book Addict Jen (Mar 1, 2004)

I am one with the no whistling rule. I have fibromyalgia. One problem with it is, I have a sensetivity to lots of light, sound & touch. So I like it darker & not so noisy. Otherwise it is like messing up the wires in my brain & I go crazy. Twice as bad if I have a migraine.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

OMG... I have actually said "Wipe your snot on you OWN shirt!" My best buddy here and I laugh about this all the time, but I am drawing a blank right now. I will try to remember some and post again.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Mine are backyard rules.....

No building a ramp to help the dogs jump over the wall onto the street.

No greasing the propane tank. (dogs stand on tank to try and jump over wall to get out of yard, kids think it's funny to grease it up so the dogs fall off).

Inside rules...
Please pick your own nose, not your friends.
If you sneeze in your hands go wash them, don't wipe them on my new sofa.


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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

*No sitting on the kitchen table without underwear.
(My friends think I am crazy: does that mean he is allowed to sit there WITH his clothes on??? :LOL )

*Do not throw cars from the second floor and down to the first floor.
(It hurts when the cars hits mamas head...







)

*Do not let Barbie take a bath in the toilet.

*No farting on mommy!







:


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## raleigh_mom (Jan 11, 2004)

"No licking your sister!"

Actually I don't usually mind it, but not the whole time we are in the grocery store! :LOL :LOL :LOL


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## Myboysmom (Nov 19, 2001)

No peeing in the front yard.


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## mountain (Dec 12, 2001)

Man, that's strict. I hope you allow peeing in the back yard


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## JayGee (Oct 5, 2002)

Don't eat all the kitty treats ~ DS LOVES those crunchy cat treats that come in a little bag and will eat the entire bag if he gets his mitts on them! DH jokes that it gives him shiny hair and clean teeth







.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

No climbing on Mama's head.

The Powerpuff Girls wooden block race must be cleared from the kitchen floor before suppertime.

The back of the futon is not a balance beam. It's not the uneven bars either.

No hula hooping over your brother's head while he's doing his algebra.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

- No peeing or pooping in the bathtub

- Only grown-ups changes diapers

- Keep your boogers to yourself

- Don't lick your sister/brother

- Don't tell the baby Daddy's home when he isn't. It's mean.

- No singing at the table (except for grace)

- The breast pump isn't a toy

- No drumming before 8 AM

- No talking to Daddy while he's preaching

- No pushing old ladies out of the way to get to Daddy after church

- Only Mama gets to give LLL advice (Michael has been known to try to take over meetings and helping calls)

We have a lot of weird rules. Then again. we're sort of a weird family.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

No mooning when there is company in the house


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

these are SO funny...
keep in mind, dd is 2, ds is 5 months:
No sitting on your brothers head
No wiping boogers in mommys hand- keep them to yourself
No picking the red leaves off the bush out back and sticking them in the planter.
Do not bring the rose pots inside
No hanging from the bookshelf
No dancing on the table
No throwing your shoes off at people while in the stroller
No twisting daddys nipples
No pulling daddys chest hair
No screeching "hello" at people
No biting brothers toes
No dancing on brother
Don't dance on the drum
Don't dance on the guitar
Don't eat (insert messy food item here) and then wipe your hair out of your face

I can't think of anymore.I am sure there are a few funny ones.Great thread!


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

no flushing 8 feet of toilet paper down the toilet.
no wiping your nose on mama.
no compulsive handwashing.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

You can only sit on mama's head for one minute... and you must at least have chonies on!
Please don't eat oo much of the dog/cat/mouse/rabbit/fish food.
Don't lick strangers, even if you are playing "puppy" when you meet them.
Don't eat things you find in public places.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

Quote:

Don't tell the baby Daddy's home when he isn't. It's mean.
Holy cow, that is mean! I hope my big kid doesn't figure that one out.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Oh, here's another gem we say often...

It's only sharing if you BOTH agree to share it. Otherwise, it's just taking.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

One more- no eating yard berries (anything that grows wild in the yard)


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## jenaniah (Nov 23, 2003)

No spinning in the computer chair @ the computer desk...move it away first.
No licking the toys and then giving them to someone else
No licking somehting so no one else will eat it
No giving me the food out of your mouth...I love to share bites with you but please give me a fresh bite
No jumping from the 4th step...you must be on the bottom step to jump
No building forts around me so I can't see what you are doing (so you think)
No eating the gum off the bottom of the tables in food courts @ the mall


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

No telling little brother that your parents are gone and it's now just the two of you.
No asking little brother to go near your rear and then farting.
Potty-humour is only funny for short time-frames and must stop when it becomes too redundant.
Wrestling is not allowed at the top of the stairs nor is it allowed on the stairs or the kitchen table.
If you have a burning desire to know why someone is wrinkly or large or "smelly" etc. please ask me later and not right in front of said individual.
The bookshelf is _not_ a ladder.
It is not "playing" if the other person is crying while you are attempting to sit on his head. (what is it with kids and sitting on heads??)
It is also not "just playing" if you are scaring the heck out of your crying little brother pretending to be a monster and chasing him around the house with a magic wand that will turn him into a rock.
Laundry detergent is not magic dust that will grant your little brother's wishes if you dump it on his head.
You do not "clean" the bathroom by dumping all your bathwater out of the tub onto the bathroom floor.


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## mountain mom (Nov 6, 2003)

This is such a funny thread!

For us its this:
No playing in the bedroom, its for sleeping only
No jumping on the furniture only the rebounder
Only two probiotics a day
We must go outside for at least one hour a day no matter the weather
No eating anywhere but the table or the kitchen
No pooping in the yard without the camp potty
No whining or begging
Say please and thank you and excuse me
No picking of the nose without a tissue handy
Wash your hands first thing upon arriving home


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

This is fun! So far we only have a few...

No eating toilet paper from the potty (we only flush poopies to save water).
No drinking the dogs water.
Don't lick the spills from your dinner off the window (her chair is right next to the sliding glass door & when something gets flung or spills it's a race to see who licks the window first, her or the dog!)


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## cassblonde (Oct 27, 2004)

:














:


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

-No licking the baby.
-Only touch your own penis.
-Nothing around the neck.

There are probably more...


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

oh-
-No fingers in the ears when I'm talking to you.
-No blowing. (This is usually done in the baby's face.)


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bearsmama*
--Only touch your own penis.


:LOL I shoulda put that on my list as well.
ooo and:
Colourful bits of plastic found outside on the ground are not candies.

The stuff in the kitchen garbage, although it may sometimes appear to be edible, is in fact, not.

You may not pat the fish.

Although the houseplant is yours, that does not mean that you need to feed it bits of your supper or carry it around the house to play with it.

Even though you "accidentally" push your brother off the couch because he is in your way, you still need to apologize.

You still need to go to bed even though your friend gets to stay up all night so you want to go live at his house.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

No licking somehting so no one else will eat it
He he. I used to do that to my little sister.

I thought of a few more:

- You must put on pants before you can come with us to answer the front door (unless we know it's grandma - she doesn't care!)
- Only flush once. And let go of the handle after you flush.
- Only two vitamins a day.
- You can only bring with you as many trains as YOU are able to carry, not as many as I can help you carry.
- No wrestling while chewing your food
- No pouring your cup of milk into the container of orange juice
- When we tell you to stop licking us, it is time to stop.
- Wait until the person is looking at you before throwing the ball at them.
- No jumping on mommy's back when she is bent over trying to change the baby's diaper.
- And no picking anyone else's boo boo's.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dodo*
Holy cow, that is mean! I hope my big kid doesn't figure that one out.

Just so no one thinks my son is a sadist...
dh drives an '86 chevy nova that has a very distinctive sound. So, whenever someone is mowing their lawn, it sounds like Daddy is home. Michael did this once by accident, and thought the baby running to the door saying "Da! Da!" was so cute, he kept doing it over and over.







:

Annette nak


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## RosieTook (Sep 4, 2004)

:







:


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## ~*max*~ (Dec 23, 2002)

~you have to wear clothes when we have company
~no dress up clothes on the dog
~no riding the dog
~do not wipe your nose on me or the furniture!
~no licking people, especially the babysitter
(I did not realize the last two were so universal, just thought my kids were strange.







)


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## Alstrameria (Sep 8, 2002)

These are funny!!

We have:

No peeing in your diaper (she was pee-trained and went coverless for poo)
No wiping snot on Daddy

:LOL


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Oh. My. God. There are so many other people out there in the world who have kids who wipe their snot on them!!!!!!







And here I've been feeling like the only one......

:LOL

We have a few boring rules, like no running with food in your mouth, don't put strings around your neck, don't put strings around your _brother's_ neck either, no spitting food at the table, please flush the loo after a poo, etc. etc. And I am definitely not to be used as a hankie!









I'm sure we must have some strange ones, too, just can't think of them at the moment.....


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

We definitely have the "nothing around your neck" rule....she always wants to pretend she is a tied up animal









We can play rhyming in restaurants while waiting for food, but no rhyming the words: smart, hoop, three, shiny, mutt, sugar, venus, or mulva


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## lunchbox (May 14, 2003)

Biting and pinching are not allowed. Licking and kissing are fine.

Do not put food in daddy's boots.

Do not chase or bother our old dog. She is old and doesn't feel good. However, you can chase or bother Mommy, even though she is old and doesn't feel good. lol

If you insist on taking seven toys on a hike, you must carry them. Mommy is not a sherpa.

I am sure there are others.







We also have the snot-on-mom-or furniture problem.


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Quote:

If you insist on taking seven toys on a hike, you must carry them. Mommy is not a sherpa.










Yep, we've got that rule too.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

You can't play with your penis while in the tub with your sister.

Don't touch the hole under the dog's tail.

No pulling daddy's finger, especially when he asks you to.

I have more funny rules for dh than the kids.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

We have a few oddball ones:

-Don't stick _anything_ into the dog. This includes fingers and toes.
-Leave the dog's penis alone.
-Don't stick anything into your nose/eyes/ears/vagina.
-Don't put stickers on Daddy, he doesn't like it.
-When your little sister starts to cry, it's time to stop hugging her. Yes, I know you were just loving her, but she's finished.
-You may not pet the fish. No, you may not kiss them either. Yes, kissing the tank is fine.
-No sitting on your sister's head (seems to be a lot of that going around. I guess it's not so unusual)









Bec


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Two more that came up just this morning...

Penises are private

and

Don't play the harmonica with bread in your mouth

Annette


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## cozymama (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunchbox*
Mommy is not a sherpa.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunchbox*
If you insist on taking seven toys on a hike, you must carry them. Mommy is not a sherpa.

Oh, I like this one alot!! I'd like to think that we have no "rules" in our house, except for safety issues of course, but the truth is I've heard myself utter these tidbits a few times. All of them have been broken by the way......

1) Please do not use the toothbrush to brush your penis.....Ok, fine, use yours but not anyone else's.....um, ok, use mama's but you aboslutely can not use daddy's.
2) Mama is not a jungle gym. Daddy is a jungle gym. Please act accordingly








3) Not everyone wears a cushiony diaper. Please be careful when bouncing on mama and daddy.
4) Grown-ups need privacy to poop.
5) Please don't try to latch on to daddy's nipples. Especially in public.








h*mama


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

When I first read this thread, I thought, "Oh, I have so few rules and they are all so obvious and boring, like 'don't stand up in the bathtub, you could slip', 'the stove knobs are not for you' and 'please keep the water in the sink.'"

But then this morning ds was helping me fold the laundry, which is his new absolute favorite game, and I said, "Those are Daddy's underpants. Please don't put things that go on other people's tushies on your head, honey. Remember?"

Okay, I guess that is a bit arbitrary of me...


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain optimism*
I said, "Those are Daddy's underpants. Please don't put things that go on other people's tushies on your head, honey. Remember?"

Okay, I guess that is a bit arbitrary of me...

Underpants make the very _best_ hats. Didn't you know?









Bec


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## mich (Apr 19, 2002)

: This is great!

No putting coins in the dishwasher vents -he likes the jingly sound it makes when mommy opens the door.

No M&M in your diaper

No pretending your on a deserted island and you have to eat my houseplants

No jumping from my dresser to my bed while I'm sleeping in it! Wait till I get up please.

And we also have the snot and penise rules as well.

I'm definatly instituting the -Mommy is not a sherpa- rule, Thanks!


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## squintz22 (Feb 4, 2004)

I am laughing SO hard right now!

Ours are pretty boring....mostly general no beating up the baby rules.

And
no licking the kitty and complaining to me about hair in your mouth
no playing in the litterbox or the toilet
no sticking the end of the tp in the toilet and flushing repeatedly
no spitting on the baby
no licking the food off the babies face
no teasing the dog with your food
no unraveling momma's crocheting just for funsies - if you want to know what it looks like I'll chain you a big long one!
no putting things in the babies diaper
do not leave crayons on the floor - dog and baby both eat them and we had several rainbows in the yard and the diaper for a while!


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

Don't take food off other people's plates (as she tries to swipe some stranger's fries :LOL)

No, you may not pour your drink on your plate and lap it up like a dog or drink it with a spoon in public. (ok at home though).

No, mommy does not like her bread to be dipped in water before she eats it.

No, you may not eat just plain margarine or butter.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

:LOL :LOL :LOL







:














:


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## Jordansmommy (May 26, 2004)

:LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL

I am excited and horrified to reach the stage where we make rules like this.

For now, we are limited to:

1. No grabbing fistfuls of the cats' skin/ fur
2. No grabbing fistfuls of mommy/ daddy's skin/ hair
3. Yes I know it's fun, but still... no


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## JesiLynne (Aug 25, 2004)

I just put this one down, 5 min. ago.

I heard my 15 month old wake up from his nap and decided to get my 6 year old up from hers b/c I knew she wasn't asleep anyway.
I go in there ( they share a room) and was going to use dd bed to dress ds. I discovered she ( my 6 yo ) had chewed ( yes chewed ) the corner of her comferter on her bed. IT WAS SOAKED WITH SPIT!!!
THIS COME 2 DAYS AFTER SHE CHEWED THE CRAP OUT OF HER SHIRT WHILE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE A NAP.

SO, new rule: NO CHEWING ON YOUR CLOTHES, COVERS, PILLOW OR SHEETS.
I WILL GET YOU A TEETHING RING IF NEED BE!


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

:LOL These are too funny! The only one I can think of right now is "Keep your feet away from the baby!" (Distilled from "don't stand on the baby" "don't kick the baby" "don't use the baby as a footstool") Oh and "Don't touch the baby's head".


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I'll add:
no asking other people for french fries at In and Out.
don't roll your brother across the floor
don't kick brothers face repeatedly
don't spit out one bite of food to eat something more enticing
no touching brothers penis
don't throw things in the shopping cart when I'm not looking
don't sit backward in the cart
don't eat cd's
don't try to drink daddys wine
don't steal brothers pacifier and use it yourself


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## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

Just instituted this one tonight for my 20 mos old.

No practicing jumping in the bathtub.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JesiLynne*
I just put this one down, 5 min. ago.

I heard my 15 month old wake up from his nap and decided to get my 6 year old up from hers b/c I knew she wasn't asleep anyway.
I go in there ( they share a room) and was going to use dd bed to dress ds. I discovered she ( my 6 yo ) had chewed ( yes chewed ) the corner of her comferter on her bed. IT WAS SOAKED WITH SPIT!!!
THIS COME 2 DAYS AFTER SHE CHEWED THE CRAP OUT OF HER SHIRT WHILE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE A NAP.

SO, new rule: NO CHEWING ON YOUR CLOTHES, COVERS, PILLOW OR SHEETS.
I WILL GET YOU A TEETHING RING IF NEED BE!









T I just entered into the realm of chewed up fabric with my older son. In doing a little research I learned that, in fact they _are_ teething at this age. The big teeth are growing down, others getting loose etc. I offer a cloth. I also heard it could mean they have worms.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

the dogs' water dish is not a pool
the toilet is not a pool either
no more balls in the subwoofer
don't ride napoleon (yorkie)
we don't *eat* bubbles, we *blow* bubbles
flowers like their petals, don't keep ripping them off
the sofa is not a trampoline


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## aussiemum (Dec 20, 2001)

Oh Jesilynne, she's your first chewer, isn't she?







I do sympathise!! If you come up with a good, gentle solution to the problem, I'd love to hear about it! Just for a bit of background, my DD (6) has chewed the necks of about... oh 8 or so nice shirts or dresses recently. Just today I took her out in public & she chewed her hankie the whole time. I see her school uniform & can count the teeth marks, although this is getting better now. And just for good measure, DS (now 4) is on his second woven cloth blanket, after chewing the first one to bits. It looks like he is up for a third blanket soon. What can ya do, ya know? At least chewing doesn't seem to disrupt the teeth like thumb-sucking does......

oh yeah, mamajama, just a quick thought..... we live in the tropics & worm regularly. My little darlings still chew, bless 'em......


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## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

:

Gosh, an anthropologist would have a lot of good material here! Lots of snot issues, sitting on heads, and Daddy's nipples seem to be in great danger! :LOL I'm writing a book on gentle discipline and I'm getting some great inspiration here, too, and some quotes I may be able to use in a little side-bar. Thanks! And keep'em coming!


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

No eating the catfood and then giving Mommy a kiss
No wrapping Mommy's bra around your neck!


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## aja-belly (Oct 7, 2004)

* If the baby is crying, it's not a fun game.
* Do NOT hop on pop (trying to keep my nephews off
of my FIL while he is sleeping)
* Tampons are not nunchucks (sp?)
* The cat box is not for digging.


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## kazmir (Nov 21, 2001)

No drinking the bath water, you just farted in it.

No laying, sitting, sleeping on the cat, she will eventually scratch you.

Once food is in your mouth, chew and swallow it.

Please leave all pincher bugs, rolly pollies, worms, spiders, crickets, banana slugs, and salamanders outside. They like it there!

We have others, but they are mostly about how many books you can look at/read while on the potty/going to bed....


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## pickle it (May 16, 2004)

Kazmir: is it ok to drink the bathwater before you fart in it?









We have lots of weird rules but the strangest one is actually for grownups: Before using the toaster, check for little plastic animals- our last toaster and a 2 inch zebra shared a sad and smelly demise. No idea how it got in there, she can't reach the toaster.


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

Only touch your own penis









Mama is not a Sherpa









Also:

Do not climb into the front windows while naked!

No hitting up total strangers for money!

And _no bludgers in the living room!!_


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## sovereignqueen (Aug 5, 2004)

noses are not for biting
yes its fun to feed the baby like she was a puppy, but she's not
people who make excuses must wear a (clean) diaper for each excuse on some part of their body unitll I say it can be removed
no jumping on the bed unless mommy is present
mommys shirt is not a napkin
(and for DH) no distracting mommy at the store so you can put goodies in the cart!


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## djinneyah (Sep 4, 2004)

no running on the couch
no climbing on mama's butt
the toilet plunger is not a toy
please stop biting mama's back while we're out in the mei tai
and, last but not least, mama's boobies are not drums :LOL


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## cozymama (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *djinneyah*
the toilet plunger is not a toy









In our house it is.....we had a new one we'd never used and ds found it one morning. He loves it so much, I don't have the heart to take it away.

I'll add a new one though:

Chopsticks may be used to:
1)eat 2)drum 3)retend drive 4)hug
Chopsticks may not be used to:
1)perform nose surgery on mama 2) put in your diaper


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

We figured out this one last night with my 16 month old...

No sticking car keys in mommy's ear.

And...I think that's it for right now....


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## RosieTook (Sep 4, 2004)

Oh man, this is a great thread! I don't have any yet, dd is 3 months next week, but I sure can't wait to try some of these out!! The most important one though...

Mommy is NOT a sherpa! (and for dh, WIFE is not a sherpa!)


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

: What a great thread!

-You can play "bongo butt" (yep, playing bongos on daddy's covered butt cheeks) but no "bongo penis" when he's changing clothes because that hurts and you can only touch your own penis anyway

-No eating the cat food

-No telling Grandma that her food is dry and yucky, even though it is, because that hurts her feelings

-Do not wipe your gooey hands on other people's clothes, use a napkin

-Do not lick people

-Only eat by sticking your whole face in the plate when you're at home and we have no company


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## Losgann (Jun 24, 2004)

"Don't chew on your underwear."

To dd, 4, last night.

Pick your own nose.
Don't yell "Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck" unless we are at home.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

-"Mommy I'm done poopin'!!" is not an appropriate way to request that I wipe your butt. Question form, with a please at the end, is the only way your tushie is getting wiped. Also, ask daddy occasionally too. I know I'm the "best butt wiper ever" but give daddy the chance to become great also.

-No riding the dog. No, she's not your horse.

-No showing the dog your vampire teeth in your mouth. It makes her nuts.

-Little green army men do not need to slide down the blind strings (2 new sets of blinds in the last 3 months







). Do not touch the blinds.

-No petting the fish.

-No tying anything up. Not the chairs, the stair railings, the dog, your clothes, my nice purses, the door knobs or yourself.

-Don't scrape anything on the walls. That noise makes me come completely unglued.

-No making your own toast, especially when mommy is outside with the dog.

-No answering daddy's work phone.

-You bring it, you carry it. I will only carry hats and gloves. Lemurs, bears, lions, baseball hats, lightsabers, swords, baseball gloves, handcuffs and trains are not mine. I carry my things, you carry yours. I love the mommy is not a Sherpa rule. I even got ds a tiny backpack when he was 2, he's carried all his own stuff since then, even diapers


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## sovereignqueen (Aug 5, 2004)

here's another one

no sticking fingers in people's ears while they are sleeping :LOL


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

no pouring the water from the peri bottle(used for diaper wipes)in the frisbee and drinking from it!

dd loves to do this


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Oh, and: ob tampons are not candy!


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

#1: It's ok to lift Mama's shirt 1000 times a day to ensure my boobs and belly button are still where they were on times 1-999, but please don't do it in public and never do it to anyone other than Mama. People, especially women, find it disconcerting.
#2: Although I wipe your bottom, I really don't need your help wiping mine. Thanks anyway. And it's ok to scream "bye bye poopie" or "bye bye peepee" while we flush at home, but it's probably not that appropriate elsewhere.
#3: No licking Mama's glasses when she's wearing them ... or even when she isn't wearing them, for that matter.
#4: When Mama says "Buttons!" in a loud voice, that means don't touch the: remote controls, the phone, the stereo, the stove knobs, my cell phone or Palm Pilot, etc. We've already lost the color on one TV after you did something I have yet to figure out. You have lovely toys with every manner of button built for futzing with; please play with them instead.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

No, you may not redistribute the mail.

(we live in an apt, and people put mistaken mail in this box on the bottom of the actual mailboxes and dd likes to take it and stick it into the slots on random people's mailboxes)


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## TEAK's Mom (Apr 25, 2003)

Only three animals in the sling at one time.

The baby does not want a mohawk, honest.

Please keep all body parts away from the pug dogs' rectums.

Toddlers who cook have to wear a diaper.

A protein powder facial is not the best idea even if it is cool to have a green face. Please use makeup instead.


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

No, you do not know how to fly. Do not leap from the chair to the couch five feet away across the hardwood floor.

No touching Mommy's vagina. And yeah, I do mean vagina, really, that exact part.

No riding the big stuffed dog with no diaper.

No calling China. (She likes to push buttons on the cordless phone, and I told her once that I didn't want her to do it because she might call China by mistake, and she said, "But I want to call China!" Now when I try to take the phone, she says, "I. Want. To. Call. China!")


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

No eating gum you find stuck under chairs. Especially in the doctor's waiting room.

The dog doesn't like being put in a headlock, please don't.


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fiddledebi*
No calling China. (She likes to push buttons on the cordless phone, and I told her once that I didn't want her to do it because she might call China by mistake, and she said, "But I want to call China!" Now when I try to take the phone, she says, "I. Want. To. Call. China!")


Willow has called 911 and Alabama. We unplug the battery out of the phone now. lol I'm sure when she starts talking we'll have to find something fun to say.


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## Maggie Mae (Sep 14, 2004)

Barbie is an Outside Toy. Unless you give her a crew cut and dye it green - then she can come back inside.

No, you can't call Grampy when he's in Uganda. And no, you don't have enough money to cover the long distance charges.


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## Jenivere (Aug 4, 2003)

Oh Boy!

Do not;
Maul, sit on, lay on, step on, squeeze, pinch, roll across the floor, lick her head, push over, take toys from or pinch the cheeks of your baby sister.

Do not climb on the deep freeze, the kitchen counter or the computer desk.

Don't hit me or scream at me every time I say no, pinch my cheeks, play drums on my breasts or climb on my back every time I lean over to get something.

Dad is a jungle gym, not me.









I know you like pillow fights and hiding under pillows but you can not do either too/with Emma; only mommy and daddy.

Don't drink your bathwater.

Don't play with the cat's food, water or litter box. Don't throw cat food or anything else at the cat.

Don't throw my laundry clean or dirty all over the place.

Please don't drag every dish I just washed all over the house. ( he needs his own set of cooking utensils just to play with)


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## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

No touching the dog's penis.

No picking up goose poop off the grass.
And the accompanying rule -

No picking up dog poop off the sidewalk.


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## amebt (Jun 26, 2004)

This thread is too funny. Here are some of our rules...

*Pick your nose in the bathroom or your bedroom.
*Do not wipe your boogers on the wall.
*When we go to MiMi's (my mom) you have to wear underwear.
*Do not take your clothes off outside.
*Peeing in your pants on purpose is not funny!
*No putting your fingers in the babies mouth.
*No jumping off of Daddys guitar cases.
*No running around the house naked, screaming "naked baby butt" while Mommy is on the phone.
*No using the cell phone to call your "friends".


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## mittendrin (Nov 5, 2003)

<tuna and turkey do not go in your ears>

<don't spit off your highchair>

<don't call oma (grandma) in germany 3 times a day. at least not after dinner, cuz it's the middle of the night there>

<no jumping on the baby>

<don't eat out of the trash>

<no licking windows, mirrors, shoes, the floor, chairs in the dr's office....>


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Man, some of these are hilarious!

Don't bounce on daddy's testicles.

Don't play with your bum unless you're in the tub.

Don't play with the dirty dishes in the sink.

Don't stand in the patio door when you're naked.

Hamsters don't like to roll off chairs.

Please don't jiggle mommy's breasts so violently.

Grandma's cat does not need help to eat, leave her food in the bowl.

Talk to grandpa, don't just make funny sounds at him (dh's dad lives in England and we talk to him on yahoo, ds can hear himself talking though the speakers, so he just makes strange sounds over and over to hear himself)

I know there's probably more, but that's all I can think of for now.

BTW, we don't have this rule, since we haven't needed it, but when I asked ds what funny rules we have, he said "Don't pull the hamster's head."


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

The cat doesn't need help licking her butt.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Oh man, YOU WIN!!!!!

Yuck.

Annette


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

This thread is so hilarious, I've been LOL with every single post! Man, it's been a long while since I've laughed this hard... thanks all.








:

This just in from our neck of the woods:

_No singing songs about poop while in the grocery store. "Some people find it offensive, honey. Save it for home, please."_ There of course was a lady standing next to us with eyebrows raised all the while, I'm trying very hard not to laugh that my dear almost four year old is singing at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS about the "little nugget in his pants."

Um, he didn't really have a nugget in his pants, btw... just currently obessed with potty talk.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Dang, I have NOTHING this good.

We have

* No feet on the table

* No playing with your vulva infront of other people

* No poking Moo in her anus. Yes, that is where her poop came from, but you don't need to poke her there...

* Yes, mommy has an anus, but we don't need to talk about it in public

* We are outside, you cannot use your inside voice here. Let's use our outside voice! :LOL


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## amethystrse (Dec 4, 2004)

*No opening the curtains if not everyone is dressed
*No dancing infront of the window naked
(my son loves to run around naked)
*No playing with yourself/touching private parts infront of other people (he's at that stage where his penis is just another toy)
*No food up the nose
*Don't touch the swords without Mommy or Daddy holding it too (we collect swords)
*Don't throw toys at people, expecially their heads
*Don't jump on Mommy's belly. The baby doesn't like that.
*Don't throw things out the window, including yourself (he has tried)
*Bathtub water should stay *in* the bathtub.
*Don't push "send" on Mommy or Daddy's cell phones
*Don't paint the walls (I love his paintings, just not on the walls or the floors. lol)
*Don't carry a cat around by her tail
*If the cat scratches you, then it was probably something you did
*You can jump on the bed, but not when Mommy or Daddy are sleeping on it.
*Treat books with respect (that's actually a big one)
*Don't put your head up Mommy's skirt (doesn't apply to Daddy when dc are asleep)
*Food is *NOT* a toy.
*Mommy's "toys" are not for children to play with. Please don't demand that she share them.


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## amethystrse (Dec 4, 2004)

Oh, and I just remembered.

*Mommy does *NOT* like it when you fart in her face.
*Watch where your feet and knees go when jumping on Daddy
*Book shelves are not for climbing
*Don't take pictures of Mommy or Daddy in the shower (he's figured out how to use the camera)


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

I'm a little embarrased to add mine:

No playing with Mamas special vibrating toy. It's only for mama and daddy.
























Kids find _everything_ you don't want them to!


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## amethystrse (Dec 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *indiegirl*
I'm a little embarrased to add mine:

No playing with Mamas special vibrating toy. It's only for mama and daddy.
























Kids find _everything_ you don't want them to!

Oh I know! I still remember when we had some friends over for dinner once. Orion comes into the room, puts my big purple dildo on the table and asks if he can play with it. :LOL When I told him "no" he insisted that I share!







: Scary part is, no matter where I hide it he always finds it and then insists that we're supposed to share out toys.









Needless to say all my friends thought it was just the funniest ever. hehe


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

The funniest two I can think of:

You may not drink the bath water after you've peed/pooped in it uke

You may not stick that carrot, veggie dog, pen, bean up your butt/nose.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

When the baby drools on you, it's cute.

When you purposely drool on the baby, it's gross.

Annette


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## Jordansmommy (May 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *willowsmom*
The cat doesn't need help licking her butt.









:







:







:







:







:







:







:







:

OMG! DH and I were rolling on the floor over this one (we are also a little worried as DD loves to lick everything we have not one but two cats to worry about...)


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

ug. just had to invent a new rule:

Do not put used tissues back into the box.


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## stirringleaf (Mar 16, 2002)

the only ones i can think of right now are

you have to put your own pee pee back in "his house" yourself ( i.e. foreskin)

dont open the public bathroom stall door till mommys pants are zipped


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## MommytoMJM (Aug 3, 2004)

Don't brush anything but your teeth with yours or Mommy and Daddy's toothbrushes....
Don't open your g-tube so stuff leaks out......
Don't pull your used diapers out of the pail.......
Don't open the public restroom door when mommy is peeing....
You can only go potty with Mommy and Daddy, not everyone else.....

That is all I can think of for now, I knwo there are more...gotta get to bed tho....


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## Thmom (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles*
I can't think of any weird rules we have.... I'm sure they exist, but nothing's coming to mind right now.

My neighbor has a "no whistling" rule in her house. The sound of someone whistling is like nails on a chalkboard to her. My son plays with her daughter, and both of my kids are big whistlers... so when my son is over there he gets lots of "reminders." :LOL

OMG! LOL this is me!! We had one of dh's co-workers over for dinner and he started whistling and 6yr dd went up to him and said "that's not allowed" he looked bewildered and asked what wasn't allowed she says "you can't whistle" and he thinking she's talking about something else again says '"yes I can" and starts whistling again when the 4yr comes up and says "that's a no no" and our guest thought he meant the way he was playing with them (I think he was tickling one of them) it went on for at least 10 min before my 9yr spoke up and said "mom doesn't like whistling" okay maybe it was funnier at the time

some of my rules
no nursing my belly, lol all of my kids have at one time or another gotten confused/tired/over hungry and just started looking for something to latch on to and it tickles when they get the stomach area (which isn't to far away from my nipple







)

only clean dipes on your head

no peeing on the neighbors lawn







:


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## boston (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stirringleaf*

dont open the public bathroom stall door till mommys pants are zipped

oh I have been there! My dd and I have had many a talk about "how to be a dressing room ally."


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## Henry's_Mamma (Jan 23, 2004)

:LOL







:LOL These are GREAT!! I've got to remember some of them!

We only have one "named" non-safety related rule thus far ... No playing with Mommy's pubic hair.

I came out of the bathroom w/o my robe on and ds (who wasn't walking yet) crawled over to me, pulled up on my legs, and started yanking my pubic hair. I can't be naked anywhere near him any more.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Henry's_Mamma*
We only have one "named" non-safety related rule thus far ... No playing with Mommy's pubic hair.

Or, as my daughter calls it, a bumdi beard!

Annette


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## FillingMyQuiver (Jul 20, 2004)

:ROFL :ROFL OMG!!! These are TOO funny!!! I am trying so hard not to wake up DH and DS in the next room by laughing!!! Hmm..... well, DS is only 8mo, so we don't have very many rules yet (except safety ones)
~ don't lick our shoes, you don't know where they've been uke
~ no chewing on the Christmas tree lights (we just put the tree up tonight and DS is OBSESSED with chewing on the light strands

That's all I can think of right now


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## myjulybabes (Jun 24, 2003)

Oh geez, these are killing me! I'm gonna wake up ds if I laugh any louder. Here's ours.

1.) The cats are not furniture, don't sit on them
2.) The cats are also not purses, do not attempt to sling them over your shoulder and tote them around.
3.) don't expect me to punish the cat for scratching you if you were in violation of rule 1 or 2.
4.) Keep your hand out of your diaper/underpants when your grandparents are here, it disturbs them, and trust me, they are all disturbed enough without your help.
5.) Yes, mommy has hair on her "oonie", no, you cannot touch it. By the same token, if Daddy says he doesn't want to show you the hair around his penis, he means it, don't argue.
6.) You may only swear at home, sometimes it offends people (ok, not funny, but one we've REALLY had to enforce lately)
7.) Big people poop in the potty, babies and toddlers poop in their diapers, dogs poop in the yard, cats poop in the litter box. No switching it up! (this didn't actually happen, but dd did express some interest in trying both the yard and the litter box)
8.) You may use the bed as a trampoline, but only if noone is in it, and you may NOT use it as a landing pad for leaping off of other furniture under any circumstances.
9.) Do not tell the cashier that mommy didn't pay for the photos or prescriptions at Walgreens when you KNOW she did. That just isn't funny.


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

nak okay, i'm seriously thinking of just making a blanket rule--no touching the baby! ( the less comprehensive rules don't seem to help much)


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

And a new one that just sort of came to me this morning after my shower....

If you have an accident and get a towel from the bathroom to clean it up, kindly do NOT hang the pee towel back up where you found it. It makes Mama's hair smell yucky.

Annette


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

These are funny - I totally needed this humor tonight mamas!

Here are some of ours quirky rules...

-No head butting your grandma (seriously never thought I would need this one but both of my guys began knocking heads with my mom around their first birthdays...it was gentle and affectionate sort of like a mama cub thing but understandably grandma is not a fan)

-Put your hands on your head when I close the car doors (I am super afraid of pinched fingers)

-Put your hands over your head if you are choking on food (my parents did this one - that way somebody will know right away) If one of my babes starts to choke on something at the table they both put their hands over their heads - it reminds me of the college drinking game a**hole









-Ask before you touch other peoples babies or dogs & you can only touch babies feet

-Don't jump on the bed unless mommy or daddy are with you

BJ
Barney & Ben


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

okay, I thought of one that we had to really work on about a year ago....

even though it is helpful to tell me when your baby brother smells bad so I can change his diaper - it is not helpful to tell me when other people (ie. Aunt Kathy, kids on the playground, the neighbor who smokes, etc. etc.) smell bad as there is nothing mommy can do about it









BJ
Barney & Ben


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## JesiLynne (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Henry's_Mamma*
:

No playing with Mommy's pubic hair.


Me TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But for some reason he hasn't noticed Daddy has any









No playing with the door stopper, the noise drives mommy CRAZY























NO talking to GrampBill about the packers and how bad they lost.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







:







:







:


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## shelliesarahsmom (Nov 18, 2004)

Those are some pretty funny rules! :LOL The only one I can think of right now is no wiping snot on mommy.


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## wildfarmsmama (Jun 27, 2003)

No laying on the floor at the grocery store
Never put anything in the fish tank
Never, ever push my butt when I'm bent over with my head in the pantry!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## kunama (Oct 19, 2004)

Since Owen is only 8 months old we dont' have rules yet really, although we are trying to enforce the "no licking/chewing mummys shoes - they are gross" and also "no tryiny to rip daddys eyeball out of its socket" (we think it's cause everyone else he spends time around wears glasses and he is just trying to grab them!)


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

"no talking with Mama's booby in your mouth"

I think that is really the strangest or only strange one. She oddly enough does not wipe her snot on us, although she does like to lick it off her face, but as of yet i have not made her stop.

"only two squares of Toilet paper"

"the dishwasher is not a jungle gym"

"don't waste water"

"don't ride the dog"
"don't pull Dazey around" (our rat terrior doggy)

"don't lay on the cat"
and of course "don't pull the Dogs/Cats Tail"
"don't pick the cat up by the neck" She especially likes to do this to the littlest Kitten Raisen.

OK that's it for know I will share any new ones.

courtney


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## s_kristina (Aug 9, 2004)

* If you have an accident please put all wet clothes involved in the laundry, not the dryer. Mommy does not like finding wet stinky clothes in the dryer.
* Only 2 times on each side while nursing, switch more and we are done.
* Don't feed the hamster turkey bacon, yes I know she is eating it, but its not good for her. Get her a treat or share some of your fruit with her.
* Please don't walk around the house like a dog with your butt up in the air for me to wipe it until you find me. Just call me to let you know you need help and I'll come wipe it.
* Please don't chew on your clothes, I'll help you find a chew toy if you need one.
The next 3 all came about in one day and I think she was trying to scare me to death!
* Do not every sit in the dryer!
* Do not climb on the back of the couch to get the cord for the blinds down then wrap it around your neck and sit down!
* If you are playing hide and seek you have to tell mommy. I can't come looking for you if I don't know you are playing. Also if you have decided to play hide and seek without telling mommy and she is calling for you please don't sit in your hiding spot crying because mommy didn't find you!


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

you can eat off your own plate with your fingers, but when you are eating off of mommy's you have to use a spoon.


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## Dreaming (Feb 8, 2004)

:


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## Caroline248 (Nov 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *s_kristina*
* * Please don't walk around the house like a dog with your butt up in the air for me to wipe it until you find me. Just call me to let you know you need help and I'll come wipe it.
!











Have you been hanging out with my three year old????

~C~


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

From today's project:

You may not lay your head down in the frosting. Especially not when you then move to lay your head down in the sprinkles.

Oh boy, what a mess!


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## proud mama of 2 (Dec 16, 2004)

This is great!!! I can't stop laughing!

Here is all I can think of now, but i can relate with alot of them.

"You can't go outside with just your boots and sun hat on, the neighbor's don't like it."

"yes, Daisy (the dog) does poop in the yard, but you need to stop doing it, your poop goes in the potty"

"please don't pull your pants down and show: the neighbor girl, the ultrasound tech, customers at work... etc, what kind of underwear you have on today"


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## NatureMama3 (Feb 25, 2004)

don't lick the windows

if you must draw on the walls, make it those in YOUR room

no jumping off the top of the organ

leave the wheels ON the cars

no eating just the PB & J out of the sandwich


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## NatureMama3 (Feb 25, 2004)

Quote:

"You can't go outside with just your boots and sun hat on, the neighbor's don't like it."
now THAT'S one I gave up on! :LOL


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

: :LOL

We only have a few so far...dd is only 11.5 months!

"Even though mama's boobies look like silly putty, they aren't! Please don't try to walk away while nursing!"

"Yes, the nipples may look like radio dials to you. They _aren't_! Don't twist them when we are trying to go to sleep. This station comes in just fine."

"No tugging on mama's pubic hair when we are taking a bath. And, if you must do it, at least have the courtesy to not laugh at me when I say: 'ouch!'"


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

Its been a while but this thread is reminding me
control your a** when your are sitting on the furniture
no climbing the door jam
no baby talk
maybe usually means no
if I say no it doesn't count if you ask your dad
no painting the house with nail polish
no painting the dog
no abc gum from the pavement( after this I lightened up on sugar and gum and bought some)
no standing in the tree and peeing on people
you cannot invite people to parties I don't know about
----------------------------
for the older kids and a teen mom who lived with us

no booty call boyfriends


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

We now joke that I should have told my son:

No sleeping in the car trunk!

Four years ago my son went to Florida to see a concert. The cars were lined up waiting to enter. It was hours until they would allow the cars to start moving and my college age son decided to sleep in the trunk (with the lid open) because he was tired from having been driving for hours. There was camping equipment and sleeping bags in the trunk.

A drunk driver in a big truck drove over my son's car with him in the trunk. He had to be air lifted from the Everglades to Ft. Lauderdale with head injuries. Seeing pictures of the car it is amazing he survived. I was home in Indiana, my youngest son was sick and there was no way I could fly to Florida. His friend was not injured in the accident because he was far enough away from the car.

Somehow the camping equipement protected his head and he recovered completely. He does have scars on his face and scalp where they put him back together. His brothers now know - No sleeping in the trunk! Actually they have learned a lot of things not to do because of their older brother.


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## terrarose (Dec 2, 2004)

Oh, these are funny! I'm so glad it's not just my house! Our only rule is respect( for yourself, others and the environment) ut I have said:
No, I am not going to let you cut off mommies nipple with those scissors
soap stuck up your vulva might sting
an almond might get stuck in your foreskin
people in the grocery store do not need to know mom wears thong underwear
when you say on the phone that your mommy went away and left you all alone, people might eleive you
pee can go in you potty or the ig potty- your sister is not an option!

I'm sure there is more but those were the memorable ones! :LOL


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

Does anyone have more? I laughed until tears on some of these.


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## sftbllwdw (Oct 5, 2005)

Do not keep things in the pouch on the front of your underwear, it is not a pocket.

The actual use was explained as best as I could to my 3 yr old son and he just laughed at the idea and took off to find something else to put there.


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sftbllwdw*
Do not keep things in the pouch on the front of your underwear, it is not a pocket.

The actual use was explained as best as I could to my 3 yr old son and he just laughed at the idea and took off to find something else to put there.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
- And no picking anyone else's boo boo's.

eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww







:







:







:


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NatureMamaOR*
leave the wheels ON the cars


thank god, i thought that was just my son :LOL


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

I am literally crying with mirth, here! I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard!


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## mandachris (Apr 1, 2005)

please don't ask your cousin to take his clothes off. it disturbs me.

when i lock the front door so you can't get outside, it does NOT mean it's ok to go out the front window instead.

rearranging the furniture is MY job, not yours.

your sister is not a dog, quit putting the leash around her neck.

don't sit on the couch naked and play with your penis...if you must play with it, go do it in your room.

your sister does not want to put her finger in your butt (whether she knows it or not)...quit trying to get her too.

don't turn your head to talk to me while you're peeing, because the rest of your body turns with your head...and i'm the one that has to clean up the mess.

don't talk to strangers. if you must say something, just say hello. don't tell them you whole name...my whole name...where we live...where daddy works...where we're going...what we did yesterday...etc.

you are a 65 lb. four year old. that may not mean much to you, but to me it means no more jumping on mommy. it could crack my ribs.

the fact that your legs are too short is NOT the only reason you can't drive daddy's truck.

and this new one from last night: it's your job to tell me when you're full. i didn't know you ate at your grandmother's house, because you asked for dinner when you got home. it's not my fault you ate too much and threw up, it's yours.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

This one isn't mine but borrowed from a friend:

"You may not pee in your Auntie's purse even if it IS open on the floor"


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

dont give mommy a big juicy kiss after u just ate a booger
dont lick the window on teh bus
dont LICK the cat if the cat licks u. its ok to kiss it.
snot rules of course. and clothes rules.
when 'when u r older' does not work as she comes back 5 mins later saying she is older, i now say you can do it when u get ur drivers license.

this thread has me in tears.


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## mandachris (Apr 1, 2005)

more from dinner:

no, you can't sit in the highchair naked, crumbs will stick to your butt

you're not allowed to negotiate food trades with your sister when she doesn't understand what she's agreeing to

:LOL
Amanda
ds cole 2/26/01
dd grace 10/3/03


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## lisahas2cats (May 4, 2004)

"Pet the kitty gently, with soft, *open* hands!"

I started telling DD that several months ago (she's 11 m/o now). For some reason it cracks DH and DS (almost 16 years old) up to no end.

I can't remember any from when DS was small, but I know there had to be some real doozies.


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

My just turned two yr old is potty training herself. From just this week...

"Only your fingers are allowed to explore your vulva."

"Please do not attempt to put a pen in your vagina"

And "Screaming "I pee and poop in the potty now!" is wonderful...doing it in the middle of the sermon at Mass is Not Appropriate!"


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## mama2manykidlets (Oct 4, 2005)

oh i had to share some of ours..this thread is too funny!

-Don't jump into daddys lap knees first when he is napping on the sofa. it hurts him.
-your brothers penis isn't a pull toy. leave it alone.
-don't blow in the babies faces to see them jump
-if you poop in the cat box please leave it there. do not carry it to the toilet and flush it.
-when mama is in the shower,don't flush the toilet to hear her scream
-don't pull on the babys head when he's nursing and yell "it's my turn!"
-pulling down daddys pants to show strangeers he doesn't wear underwear is not allowed.
-mamas "toys" are not to used in the front garden as decorations.i don't care that it's shiny like the reflecting ball.

there are others but i am out of steam right now..i'm sure they will come to me!


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## amberielle (Apr 4, 2005)

These are so funny! :LOL

Wait until you get to the bathroom to pull down your pants and underpants... DD has been known to pull everything down then run to the other end of the house to use the bathroom... usually she trips over her clothing and falls. She does this even when we have company.

No peeing in the yard. Especially in front of strangers.

You should wear at least underpants to dinner. If they get stains on them from dropped food, I will take care of it.

Ladies don't lift their dresses to play peek a boo with the baby and with strangers.

I know that there are more! :LOL


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## passionfaerie (Oct 4, 2005)

1. No wallpapering the bathroom with kotex.
2. If its a school day you have to wear underwear.
3. No tying ropes to the furniture and then jumping off it.
4. NO DOODLEBOPS. EVER.


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *passionfaerie*
1. No wallpapering the bathroom with kotex.
2. If its a school day you have to wear underwear.
3. No tying ropes to the furniture and then jumping off it.
4. NO DOODLEBOPS. EVER.

I must know... What is a doodlebop?


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## mama2manykidlets (Oct 4, 2005)

oh i know this one! it is this horrid childrens show on disney channel or nick jr...it is the most irritating thing in the world! my neice watched it once at my house for 10 minutes..i hated it so much i unhooked the wires when she wasn't looking, oops,the tv isn't working right now!...lol..i'm soo mean,but it really is an awful show!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APMom98*
And "Screaming "I pee and poop in the potty now!" is wonderful...doing it in the middle of the sermon at Mass is Not Appropriate!"

Be thankful that it's not during the Consecration







.


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
Be thankful that it's not during the Consecration








.









!


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## mamabohl (May 21, 2005)

you know my son is absolutely terrified of the Doodlebops? :LOL


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## passionfaerie (Oct 4, 2005)

They are horrible. There are very few childrens shows that terrify me the way they do.


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## littlecityfarmer (Apr 27, 2004)

Am I the only onw who thinks these rules are pretty standard? The rules at our house are:

1) You must have a diaper and pants on at the table
2) You may neither hit nor bite the cats, knock them off chairs, or pull their tails. Same thing goes for sister (except the tail part).
3) Don't ask for help to climb up onto the counter to dance. You're not allowed to dance on the counter...


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

Oh what a great morning laugh!

My wacky rules are (dd is 3-1/2)-

no jumping on the trampoline with sticks.
no helping mommy clean up dog poop (maybe when she's 7)
The dog is NOT a horse
It is not funny to grab the cat's tail and "drive" her around the house.
If you are planning on tackling me, you have to yell tackle first.
no climbing on the kitchen counter to get your own cup out of the cupboard.
CLOSE the freezer/fridge when you open it. GRRRRRR....
Do NOT scream in the car
I will only come into your room one time to tuck in your "foot that is sticking out". LOL.
no playing with mommy's scrapbook stuff. LOL. (she has her own stash)

I am sure there's more. LOL.


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## J-Max (Sep 25, 2003)

We have a lot of these same rules :LOL

You can only ride the horses, and only if I am with and tell you you can.

Even if you already took a bath (this morning, yesterday, last night, ect) If I say you need a bath, you have to take one.

No swimming or diving in the above said bath.

Your sisters are not dogs, please don't whistle at them, pat your leg, and say, "come on girl."

Please don't chase cars along the fence and howl and bark with the dogs.

Sticks stay outside - no exceptions!

Please don't poop in the bath, it is not funny (to the 2 year old)

If you don't like your food after you have chewed on it, please don't put it on dad's plate, it makes him gag.

You have to wear underwear to the table, and please don't touch your vulva, vagina, bottom, ect while we are eating.

Please don't hide in the shower, closet, bed, ect, and try to see dad's penis when he is getting dressed, you know he does not think it is funny.

You can only sneek up behind people and ans scare them once per day. If you are not quiet when you sneek up and they are not scared, you can not be mad at them










From last weekend:

(for dd#1 - 6) If you have just spend the last hour showing your little sister how to run and slide through the fresh cow poop, DO NOT expect to ride home in my car, even if dad is not done fixing fence, you must wait and ride with him)

I didn't think we had so many! :LOL


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

I have never laughed so hard at a thread in my entire life! I'm reading this at work and my coworkers keep giving me strange looks when I burst out laughing in a silent room...

Well, DS is only 9 months old, but we have a few:

- No pinching Mommy's nipple when you're nursing.
- No digging your nails into your scrotum. It makes Daddy wince.
- Smacking the cat is not the same thing as petting the cat.
- Paper is not a good snack.
- No digging your nails into Mommy's face.
- Yes, you may play with Mommy's cell phone in the supermarket, but don't throw it out of the cart onto the floor.
- Just because Mommy's drinking it doesn't mean you have to try it too. This especially applies to alcoholic beverages.
- Don't pull the kitty's ears, even if you think he likes it.
- Pick your own nose, not Mommy's.
- Don't eat food off the floor. You don't know how long it's been there.

*Whew* If I have this many now, how many am I going to have this time next year?


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## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

Oh my, those are hilarious! We have a couple:

- Sing songs about poopy butts, farting, poop, etc in the bathroom only

- Don't encourage your sister to run away from mommy when I need to change her diaper.

- Make your dolls cry without doing a "fingers on the chalkboard screech" PLEASE make them cry quietly!

- Don't hit the cat with your toy vacuum

- Nature that is alive (ie: caterpillars and other insects) needs to stay outside

- Please PLEASE don't point and scream "Scary man!" and run behind me laughing whenever we encounter a man in the store.

- Don't say the same thing over and over again very loudly while mom or dad is trying to drive!

I have also told Rachael that she can't eat food she has found underneath isles at the store or other various places she seems to find food. I have told Rachael she may not eat the earthworm she is carrying. Please don't pick up the decaying dead bird and play with it like it's alive.

I am sure I have had others. Being a parent has you saying the weirdest things sometimes!


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

No plastic castanets in the toilet
No peanut butter finger painting on the back fence
No using library books (i.e., with plastic dust jackets) as sticker boards (which actually works quite nicely as they peel right off but anyway...)

and

No pretending its raining while shaking the finch feeder


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## Attila the Honey (Mar 15, 2003)

23 mo dd is potty learning and going undie/diaper free alot of the time, and she's learning new... interests, shall we say?

1. Don't tell Busha (gma) about your vulva. It freaks her out.

2. Don't talk about about other ppl's vulvas, esp. not in public. ("Look, a lady! Ladies and girls have vulvas!") It freaks them out.

3. Don't tell everyone you have ringworm. It freaks them out.

(of course, she can say 'ringworm' and 'vulva' as clear as a bell, no problems pronouncing THOSE words!)


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## obiandelismom (May 31, 2005)

:LOL These are great! I'm feeling so "normal" all of the sudden! :LOL

Here are ours:

1. Potty talk is only allowed in the bathroom. (my 2yo will stand right next to the threshold of the bathroom, dart in, shout "POO ON YOUR PEE!" and run back out again)

2. No touching anyone else's penis.

3. No farting on Mama's head

4. No head-butting Daddy's "package".

5. If you are wrestling, and someone says "HALT!", then you must halt.

6. No bandaids unless there's actual blood.

7. No drinking chocolate syrup straight from the bottle.

8. Playdoh only at the table.

9. You can't have pb&j for more than one consecutive meal.

10. Your bottom does not need to suck a pacifier. Any pacifier that gets used in this way will be going into the "big trash."


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

laughing so hard I"m crying!!!

15mo. old rules:
no climbing into the dishwasher
no taking dirty dishes out of the dishwasher
no turning off the computer
no pulling everything out of my wallet and eating it
no playing in the toilet
no flushing an entire package of wipes down the toilet
no playing with your dirty diaper
no touching your penis while I'm changing your dirty diaper

4 yr old rules:
no sitting on mommy's head while changing the baby's diaper
no tying ropes to and from every door in the house
no jumping on the bed with shoes on
no jumping in the dirty/clean laundry
no closing all the windows on the computer
no jumping, walking, or "flying" on or off of furniture
don't stick your tonue out at strangers
when momy is readin to the baby, let the baby trun the pages
no clothes lining the baby
no sitting on the baby
no sharing food with the baby without asking mommy first
no covering the baby's eyes
no putting blakets over the baby's head (while he's walking)

it is okay to pull out all the pots and pans and bowls and play with them, and it is definitly okay to pee outside and run aroung naked

i'll think of more later


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

Just said this one today! And it's a brand new one! :LOL

Only one person may go potty on each potty at a time. Said as 2yr old dd is pooping on the regular potty, and dd (3 yrs) is pooping on the kid potty and ds (6yrs) comes in and says "I can just pee behind her." while pulling out his penis to pee behind 2 yr old!!








!


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

new rule, just enforced

if you have just spilled and broken a potted plant, do not sit and play with the broken pieces.

also

no bitting mommy's booby
no repeat flushing of the toilet (doesn't it seem that when one stop the other starts?)
no unraveling the toilet paper
no loud noises when mommy is nursing the baby (the baby bites)
no standing directly in front of the story-teller at the library when all the other children are sitting down
no collecting the "run off" on the shower from mommy's private hair

and

if you've just gone poopy, don't sit ANYWHERE before wiping your bottom.


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## delphine (Aug 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles*

My neighbor has a "no whistling" rule in her house. The sound of someone whistling is like nails on a chalkboard to her. My son plays with her daughter, and both of my kids are big whistlers... so when my son is over there he gets lots of "reminders." :LOL

When we were kids, we had a "no singing at the table" rule. I always thought that was so silly! :LOL


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## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

Well.. my parents had a "no passing gas while at the dinner table" rule


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APMom98*
Just said this one today! And it's a brand new one! :LOL

Only one person may go potty on each potty at a time. Said as 2yr old dd is pooping on the regular potty, and dd (3 yrs) is pooping on the kid potty and ds (6yrs) comes in and says "I can just pee behind her." while pulling out his penis to pee behind 2 yr old!!







!

my twin sister and I potty trained ourselves by sitting back to back on the toilet. (this after my mom spent months trying to find a potty identical to the one she already had)

sagira I had to institute a no passing gas at the table rule b/c of dh. he doesn't follow it all that well.

only pick up kittens by the body.


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

a meal at our house rarely goes without singing or humming at the table.


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## delphine (Aug 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sagira*
Well.. my parents had a "no passing gas while at the dinner table" rule










:LOL If we had that rule, we'd never eat!


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

My DS is only 8 months so it's not like I can really enforce these rules, but I still say them thinking maybe he'll get it someday...

No pulling on the puppy's fat rolls to stand up
No dropping things down the heater vent
No pulling open the broiler door while mama is using the oven


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## KnitterMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APMom98*
Just said this one today! And it's a brand new one! :LOL

Only one person may go potty on each potty at a time. Said as 2yr old dd is pooping on the regular potty, and dd (3 yrs) is pooping on the kid potty and ds (6yrs) comes in and says "I can just pee behind her." while pulling out his penis to pee behind 2 yr old!!







!

:LOL my twin sis and i used to pee at the same time







: :LOL


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *little bird*
no collecting the "run off" on the shower from mommy's private hair

Yes!!! I can't tell you how many times I had to repeat that rule! (I don't think that's gonna make it into the reprint, though!)


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

no penises on the table....


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## JustVanessa (Sep 7, 2005)

My babe is too little yet...but I remember one from my childhood....
Do not hang your siblings on the coat hooks and walk away


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## zrhmom (Sep 21, 2005)

you must wear pants or undies to eat

no spitting on one another

dont jump on the new couches-beds are fine though

the new tables are not stages for the kids "shows" although the old ones are ok to dance on

you must wear pants or undies when grandma comes over- otherwise she yells at mommy

no using the bathroom outside

no wipping snot on mommy new sofa

dont throw mud at the house or paint the house with mud

no lawn chairs on the trampoline

dont eat rocks,or sand, or mud!!

sadly, i have a ton more!!-you get the idea-


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## KnitterMama (Mar 31, 2005)

one of my favorites from when i was little though :

No spaghetti sandwiches.

You could eat spaghetti. You could eat bread WITH the spaghetti, but god help you if you made it into a sandwich. My Mom hated that ... never figured out why tho







.


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zrhmom*
no lawn chairs on the trampoline


Oooo, I forgot...you may jump on the trampoline. You may nurse. But not both at the same time. It hurts Mommy!


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## P-chan (Jan 23, 2004)

You can get high when you finish swallowing your cereal.

(My toddler likes to climb on chairs and say, "I getting high." He tried it once at the breakfast table--thus the above rule. I never thought that combination of words would ever leave my mouth!)


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

These are great. So far are only wacky rule is for my daughter NOT to attempt to eat the dirty diapers that have just been removed from either her or her brother's bottom.


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *obiandelismom*

(my 2yo will stand right next to the threshold of the bathroom, dart in, shout "POO ON YOUR PEE!" and run back out again)


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

no eating sand?







:







:

we live on the lake, and beside breastmilk, sand was baby's first food, it's fun, it's clean (sun bleached goodness!) and it's plentiful. sand everywhere. all over everyones face, in everyone's pants, in everyone's hair/food/bed/ you name it.
a day without sand in your ears is abnormal.


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## Tygrrkttn (Jul 10, 2005)

OK, DD is only three months old, so, only one rule so far.............

You May look over your should at things that catch your interest.
You May nurse as often as you like.
You May NOT do both at the same time, it hurts.
I would really Prefer that you not grin at the faces I make when you break this rule.

Wincing,

Beth


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## soladeo (Feb 19, 2005)

OH man this is soooo funny!!

The last year I taught third grade I became pregnant and had SERIOUS "all day" sickness, so here were some of my rules.

No breathing on the teacher unless you eat a mint
No eating anything with cheese or meat around the teacher
If teacher leaves the room, sit quietly in your sit (yeah right) until she returns and girls:
no running to the rest room to watch the teacher throw up

I also had to make up this rule on the playground my first year of teaching

When swinging, no trying to hit people with your legs as they walk by!

I also have this rule for my husband







:
No throwing trash on the floor.

Seriously.

My son is 13mos. so we don't have any "rules" as yet- I'm sure we'll have some humdingers.


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## little bird (Oct 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *little bird*
no eating sand?







:







:

we live on the lake, and beside breastmilk, sand was baby's first food, it's fun, it's clean (sun bleached goodness!) and it's plentiful. sand everywhere. all over everyones face, in everyone's pants, in everyone's hair/food/bed/ you name it.
a day without sand in your ears is abnormal.


on the other hand, I don't want anyone to eat sand at the park, you never know who/whats been doing there!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Don't lick the windows.
Don't put your dinosaur's tail up your nose.
Don't put your dinosaur's tail in your eye.
We do not wash stuffed animals' hands.
We do not paint stuffed animals.
Books may not "swim" in the bathtub.
Don't climb the cat furniture. It is his only refuge.


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

These are hilarious.

No dancing with grapes in your mouth.
No sticking your penis in the tub faucet.
No putting your feet in mama's face while you nurse.
No using the nice sofa as a napkin for your chin.
No pooping in the tub and then fishing for the poop.
No drinking the bath water, especially after peeing in the tub.
No decorating the dogs with markers, crayon or stickers.


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee*
This thread is so hilarious, I've been LOL with every single post! Man, it's been a long while since I've laughed this hard... thanks all.







:

This just in from our neck of the woods:

_No singing songs about poop while in the grocery store. "Some people find it offensive, honey. Save it for home, please."_ There of course was a lady standing next to us with eyebrows raised all the while, I'm trying very hard not to laugh that my dear almost four year old is singing at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS about the "little nugget in his pants."

Um, he didn't really have a nugget in his pants, btw... just currently obessed with potty talk.









I'm laughing so hard...thanks for this thread. Sounds like one kid is proud of his body.


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## sinistermommy (Oct 2, 2004)

My favorite of ours is:

"No umbrellas in the bathroom."

I'll have to come back when I can remember some more.

I just made up another one:
"No drills near the couch!"
"Drills are for walls, not people."

He was playing with DH's drill. With all damage-inducing parts removed, but I dont' want him to get in the habit of doing certain things with it if he happened to find it with bits or something in it.


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## Apryl Srissa (Oct 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bec*
Underpants make the very _best_ hats. Didn't you know?









Bec

This is SO my husband. Recently, while shopping for undies for me, while dragging my nine year old through a section he really didn't want to be in, dh snuck up behind him and put a bra onto poor ds's head. He wasn't impressed, but his face was priceless!







:

You guys have me laughing so hard I had to put the baby down!









Our rules are mostly safety, though the others all seem to be toddler related
No sitting on top of the baby, no matter how much you want to hug him
the same no snot rules
no pulling up mom's shirt in public
no giving the ferrets the thomas train toys
no kissing the tv, no matter how much you love Blue
no dancing on the table
no perching on the back of the couch (cute, but he falls really quickly)

Think that's it for interesting ones


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## LuvMyBabos (Mar 21, 2005)

Gee, I thought I had an original one with "Don't lick your sister!" :LOL

Another one is: don't wipe snot on the walls. Our ds said, "But I'm saving them for later". UGH!


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

No painting with toilet water.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Oh a new one from today:

When washing dishes at the kitchen sink, it is not OK to empty the entire bottle of dishwashing liquid into the sink because you want to give the dish sponge a bubble bath.


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## tiafit (Oct 25, 2004)

I love these rules ! :LOL
No wiping nose on couch
No BRITE pink , blue, or purple foods( ie: blue ketchup , pink donuts, purple skittles etc....)







:


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## WinterBaby (Oct 24, 2002)

Some of ours








No coloring the pictures on the TV.
Your vulva is not a good hiding place for things.
There is no such thing as a butt detector, no matter what your cousin said.
Don't put your fingers in your bottom, then in mommy's face.
Don't pinch the puppy's penis.
Don't pinch daddy's penis.
Don't sniff the dogs' butts.
Don't sniff other people's butts.
Don't bury your face in my butt, only to tell me it's stinky.
Mind your teeth when kissing the worms.
Never put your face in other people's bathroom plungers. Only your special
one at home.
Don't pull things out of the little trashcans in ladies' restroom stalls.
Stop putting spiders on the bed for daddy to see while he's sleeping.
You may only ask DADDY to "pull your finger." It's a daddy game.
When you have a poopy accident, you do NOT clean up by feeding it to the
dog. I don't care if she likes it, it'll make her sick. 

Edited to add 2 of daddy's -
Urinals are not for handwashing,
We don't stick our heads in the hole in the port-a-potty for a "better look"
Don't give the fish baths


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## mama ganoush (Jul 8, 2004)

no putting boogers on the walls.









i was so in shock that i actually had to say that to another human being.


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

oh, some of these are hysterical!

dh came running when i burst out laughing after reading, 'don't touch the hole under the dog's tail' (or something like that-sooooooooooooo funny)

safety one: quiet body when you have food in your mouth (this covers jumping, hopping, running, dancing, somersaulting, etc).

don't touch ANYTHING in the stalls of public washrooms.
don't wipe your hands on your clothes or towels if you get something on them when you wipe yourself-wash them.

no tickly touches for mama (i HATE light pressue touches-they are like nails on a chalkboard for me and make me feel creepy-crawly!)

you may play with the creatures in the garden (snails, worms, etc) as long as you are gentle. we had to add,

no snails in your mouth (for our ds who popped 2 in while dh wasn't looking-ewwww)


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

no pretend guns allowed...but alien blasters are okay


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## LovinLiviLou (Aug 8, 2004)

These are cracking me up. I only have a few wacky ones I can add to the list:

1) Once toilet paper goes into the toilet, it stays in
2) Do not feed the dog toilet paper (don't ask me why she will eat it, but she thinks anything the 2 year old gives her must be good!)


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## veggiemomma (Oct 21, 2004)

Hehe, these are funny.

Some of our for our 18 mo:

No throwing all books that have turtles in them into the turtle's tank. He doesn't know how to read them, they are too heavy for him to carry, and it gets them really dirty.

No writing on the church pew with crayons or an ink pen

Some diapers don't go in the washing machine (What a mess when he put a disposable diaper in w/ his cloth ones and I didn't know until after the cycle finished!!!!)

No dipping a sock in the toilet and slurping the water out.

I know the cat brought a mouse onto the porch, but she didn't bring it for you.


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## arimama (Feb 13, 2004)

No playing with your penis while we are making pancakes together.

Don't drink bathwater after peeing in it.

If you are goiing to be naked while you are eating you can't dig in your butt.

if you are going to pee out side, do it in the backyard, not the front porch.


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## theskuldt (Jul 24, 2004)

what NOT to do when nursing:
experiment with how far a nipple can stretch.
squeeze nipples in order to squirt milk all over the room.
pull mama's shirt up over her head when nursing in a crowded subway car.

and

don't use teeth when eating mama's nose.

tricycles should crash into the couch (not people).


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

Wow...this is so great. I just said to DH, I thought we were the only ones who had a no pinching/hitting daddy's penis rule! And the other one about pulling fingers - you're so right, it IS a daddy game.

Some of ours:

No sucking on the vacuum cleaner hose
No plugging/unplugging anything - no matter how fun it is or how many sparks there are.
No eating the keyboard keys.

DS is only 13 months, so we don't have many yet, but I bet we will!


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## Heffernhyphen (May 3, 2005)

Only touch your own penis. Except for Mommy. I can touch all the penises.


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## Heffernhyphen (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie*
If you have an accident and get a towel from the bathroom to clean it up, kindly do NOT hang the pee towel back up where you found it. It makes Mama's hair smell yucky.

:LOL My girlfriend's kid did this, except it was poop, and her husband's hair. Which was so appropriate, because the guy's such a shithead!


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

"yes..you must wipe EVERYTIME"
"You may not bounce the baby in the bouncy chair" (picture a catapult)


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins*
"yes..you must wipe EVERYTIME"

And for potty training dd.....Please do not attempt to wipe yourself after you've pooped. Let's work on getting the poop in the potty first and *then* we'll work on the wiping part. When you do it yourself, you end up with poop all over your hands and therefore the toilet and therefore your legs and therefore your clothing....and I get tired of cleaning all that poop!!


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

No running over the rice crispies...

My dd gets the box of rice crispies out of the cupboard and runs over them with her ride on toy....brings a whole new meaning to snap crackle and pop!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

My craziest home rule to date is 'You can't eat Mama's cell phone" (he is 1 and he likes to try to eat my antenna)

My craziest rule for my preschoolers---the other day I had to tell one of them that I was NOT a climbing toy, thank you!


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## Goddess3_2005 (Oct 20, 2004)

This is soo funny!









Ok heres ours

Only use a few sheets of toilet paper to wipe our bums, not the entire roll (yes we have had a couple incidents with the roll in it whole sate being used)

Only 3 max vitamin C's a day

The baby is not a horse, no riding him

No smelling daddy's feet ( yes my 2 yo likes to smell his feet, and they don't smell good, LOL)

No jumping on the bed when daddy is sleeping

No diving off the toilet into the bath tub

No horsy rides with daddy unless you are wearing a diaper or pants

No putting the baby under laundry baskets, he can not be a part of your zoo


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## Apryl Srissa (Oct 1, 2005)

I second the TP one, my oldest used to put tons in there lol. My toddler just wants to unroll it, all over the place.

We made a new rule this week. For the 22 month old. No matter how much you love the baby, when he is in his bouncy seat, no laying on top of his to hug / kiss him. Same goes if he is in the swing, no swinging with him.
:LOL


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## napless (Mar 20, 2003)

No driving motorcycles on the baby's forehead.


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Apryl Srissa*
I second the TP one, my oldest used to put tons in there lol. My toddler just wants to unroll it, all over the place.

We made a new rule this week. For the 22 month old. No matter how much you love the baby, when he is in his bouncy seat, no laying on top of his to hug / kiss him. Same goes if he is in the swing, no swinging with him.
:LOL

We are in the middle of this issue with my 2yo dd. She likes to a) unroll it all, b) put it ALL in the toilet, c) run around the house dragging it behind her, d) dry her hands on it, e) poop on the rug and clean it up with toilet paper (I swear she waits until I take her diaper off for the bath and immediately runs into the bedroom to poop. I like letting her be naked, but it's getting to be a constant routine!). The other day I was in the bedroom and heard her saying "no! no!" and came into the bathroom to see her unrolling the tp. Somehow I don't think the intended message is getting through...


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

No eating food out of the trash can
No need to wipe your butt until it bleeds
No pulling mom's public hair while in the shower (has lead to mommy showering ALONE!)
No feeding the baby dirt

H


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

How about 'your fingers do NOT go in MOMMY'S mouth!!' (my 12 mo old has an obsession lately with sticking his fingers in my mouth, dont ask me why but it's a favorite before-bed while snuggling game and it drives me CRAZY!)

fortunatley I have found if I shut my mouth real tight he tries again but then he will just look, smile and give up.....

I don't really know WHY that drives me insane it just does.

I liked 'paper is not a good snack' I would like to add that neither are the plastic wires that hold the toy in the box, or a piece of styrofoam cup (we were at a hotel)......neither is MOMMY'S CELL PHONE ANTENNA!

I really hope I never have to tell my son that pooping in the tub is not funny or that his butt does not need a pacifier..........

And I have a new one inspired by the neighbor kids--NO DUMPSTER DIVING!! (I live in a little 9 apartment building across from an elementary school so a couple kids that age live here and today they were playing in the newspaper recycle dumpster.....I came in and told DH I have a new aspiration in life--to be an attentive enough parent to know and go out and STOP MY KID if he is DUMPSTER DIVING....eww....LOL)


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## vermonttaylors (May 17, 2005)

No, you may not toilet-paper the cat!

Please don't try to help the dogs poop. It will come out on it's own.

Please don't suck on the sidewalk chalk. (Just the thought makes me squirm)

Once something goes in the garbage, it should stay there.

I LOVE this thread


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

No death scenes during dinner.

Our DD is very dramatic. Always has been. She and her father create all these "Backyard Thespians Productions" (little plays, skits, songs, dances, etc).

She went through a phase where she pretended to faint (dramatically! - hand to the forehead, eyes rolling up, "Ooooh!") during dinner. It progressed to death scenes. Long, overly dramatic, really funny death scenes, complete with willing her earthly posessions to her father and I.

Yes, they were hilarious. The first several times. And then they moved more towards disruptive interruptions to a family dinner.

Gee, now I miss them, ha ha. DD is nine now. She still does "Backyard Thespians Productions". Sometimes they grow to include neighbor kids, ha ha. And yes, we're letting her explore dance, music and acting just as much as we can.


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## jefnsean (Oct 6, 2004)

We've only got two really odd ones:

- Don't lick the floor
- Feet don't belong in the castle

And while she may exhibit odd behavior, we don't usually have a problem with it. However when we add a son to the mix - I'm sure it'll get interesting!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

don't put stickers on the dog. he doesn't like it.

don't put your finger in the dog's butt. he doesn't like it.

don't try to wag the dog's tail for him. he can do it himself.

don't draw on the wall with your wooden doll (horrible noise!!)

don't lick the fish tank


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## frogcatcher (Jun 18, 2005)

This is the greatest! Here are ours (some repeats I noticed, glad to see I'm in good company)
-You can only touch your own penis!
-Only "drink" your brother's "baba" (breastmilk) if he OKs it
-No pooping in the yard, EVER!
-No pooping on the front porch or the back porch
-No laughing when someone poops in the yard (or does another known illegal act)
-Do not ask your brother to bite you and then tattle on them
-Only talk about poop if whomever your talking to says they don't mind
-You have to talk or scream or yell everytime we are outside
-Please do not go outside naked to greet company (my 5yr old actually GOT nakie, wasn't already undressed, when my grandma came over and ran out to the street and greeted her!)
-Don't "wag" your naked butt at me, it's rude!
-When at other people's houses shut the door when you go potty, and wait until you get to the bathroom to undress
-Don't ask your brother to bite you and then tattle on him (it's mean)
-Sit down in shopping cart, and buckle seatbelts or we won't go anywhere (I really enforce that one)
-Wash hands every time we come home, and EVERY time you go poop
-mommy is the only one in the house allowed to do the wiping
-No putting mommy's nipple in your ear during naptime babas (it's ok during any other time were he's not supposed to sleep) (It's really a strange thing I think, anyone else's kid had a weird nursing quirck like this?)

wow that's alot of rules! didn't realize we had so many, I'm sure there is more too. Maybe I should eaze off on some.....nah!


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## Heffernhyphen (May 3, 2005)

No nursing while mommy is pooping. That boy has no couth.


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## Myboysmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Do not climb on the church balcony railing and say "MOM! LOOK AT ME"!!!

Do not crawl into mom's bed in the middle of the night if you are NAKED!

You may not dance and sing on the coffee table with only a shirt when we have company!!!

*FYI: THESE ARE FROM MY NINE YEAR OLD!!!*


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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

You many only bite your own fingernails (my 5 y/o likes to chew on mine - completely freaks me out).

You may only talk about pooping in the bathroom.

You may only touch your penis in your room or the bathroom.

No, no one at church wants to see where you had your operation (hypospadias repair). Please do not show them your penis.

You may only eat your own boogers.

Don't lick anyone else's feet.

If the baby cannot climb or get somewhere, do not help her. She is too small to be on the kitchen table.

Cereal must be eaten from a bowl, not the box.

Your nose, ears, eyes and bottom are OUT holes. Do not put anything IN!

Dang, I'm so restrictive!


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## Myboysmom (Nov 19, 2001)

OH, I FORGOT THIS ONE:

If you MUST bite your toenails, PLEASE DO SO IN PRIVATE!!!! I don't want to know!


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## napless (Mar 20, 2003)

No stuffing broccoli behind the piano!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

Two more just from tonight

No you may NOT have a KNIFE from the dishwasher!!

and

NO you may not have a SHOWER by climbing in the dishwasher with the dishes!!

(I had some major dishwashing to do today, ran it twice, and discovered DS is OBSESSED with taking the KNIVES (of course the BIGGEST SHARPEST ONE) out of the silverware thing. When he figured out that was NOT going to be allowed, he attempted to climb INTO the dishwasher LMAO!)

oh and another newly-enforced rule
If you are going to bite Mommy, you may not continue to sit with Mommy. (I think he's teething, either that or it's the joy of having 2 teeth on top and 2 on the bottom...he is OBSESSED with BITING lately. Arms, thighs, whatever he can get.) Maybe it's a little mean, but I refuse to spank him or anything like that, and I've been saying 'NO' and "NO biting, that hurts!' for a good couple weeks, so now just tonight I decided that if he's going to bite while sitting on my lap, I'm going to put him down. Hopefully, EVENTUALLY he will get the idea.

Oh and one more--ONLY water in your juice bottle if you are not in your highchair!
(DS hates sippy cups. Regular open cups make a gigant-o mess. I have just discovered what works really well--those little plastic Gerber juice bottles. I get WIC, they give us a dozen a month. He loves drinking straight out of them and the opening is small enough he can do it without a mess. I'm pretty stingy with the juice, but I have cups with lids so I can dump the juice in one of those in the fridge and ration it out. The rest of the time, he can have the little bottle with water. Fortunately, he likes ice water. The only-water-unless-you're-at-the-table rule got invented tonight after he took a drink from the bottle and then proceeded to accidentally pour it all over the light couch!) He IS only 12 months old, he flipped his arm back not realizing that would make him dump the water he was holding all over the couch!


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

you may *not* stick your fingers up my nose
poop is not for painting







:


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I have *loved* this thread, and finally have one of my own that I said tonight:

"You know how to use your fork, please don't lick the corn off of your plate." (picture DS hunched way over, practically face down on his plate, tongue poised to take a big lick :LOL )

OK, not as good as a lot of others on the thread, but as soon as it was out of my mouth I thought to myself...now there's something I never thought I'd hear myself say!


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Underarm farts are only allowed outside!!


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## Apryl Srissa (Oct 1, 2005)

Our newest rule today, to 22 month old who napped through lunch

no matter how hungry you are, we don't like our bowls while we wait for more lunch (mac-ee-oni, his favorite







)

This topic is just so funny, I'm enjoying all these rules and feeling SO much more normal now!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

And just in the last day or two...
"yes baby, I KNOW attempting to feed yourself with a spoon is a fun new skill and you want to practice, but PLEASE do NOT attempt it with a dirty spoon you just dug out of the dishwasher thing while Mama's trying to load it!"

(phrased to 12 mo old DS more like "No, no, YUCK!!" followed by taking the pilfered spoon)

And "I KNOW you are getting your lateral incisors (the teeth next to the two middle ones on top) but if you need to bite something....PLEASE FIND A TOY!!" (rather than random body parts of the nearest person...)

(phrased to child more like "No! Biting hurts Mama. Bite this" while handing child an approved bite-able object)


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

You may not hold your dirty diaper.

(This rule isn't really working. Yesterday she grabbed hold of the dirty diaper and dragged it, poop side down, all along her leg and belly. And then peed. It was the kind of thing where there was no hope but to pick her up under the armpits, hold her at arms' length, and march right up to the bathtub for a bath. All the wipes in the WORLD wouldn't have helped.)

When her gastric reflux was at its height, to the point that she had stopped gaining weight, we had the rule "Milk stays in the baby." She didn't follow that one either.


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## annarosa (Aug 30, 2004)

very funny - especially the one about the dog !


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## guestmama9911 (May 24, 2005)

I'm one week past my due date for my first child (a boy) and all I can say is that it looks like I'd better get ready for lots of penis rules!


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## mysweetfiona (Apr 4, 2005)

First of all, I have to share one that's not mine. My little cousin was LEAPING through the air from the coffee table and landing loudly on the floor. (They have neighbors below.) His father yells, NO JUMPING!!! We thought that was reasonable, but then he continued......ONTO THE FLOOR, use the couch! He's a extreme yeller. We were like, huh? Guess you had to be there....









*to the boys...If you don't hear water, then it isn't going IN the water! Pee before you sit. (They are trying to pee while pooping.)
*All stickers are not for peeling!
*Do not attach yourself to my butt, with my shirt over your head. I may fall over you and my threads are popping!
*Please don't hold onto my bra. Try my arm. (18mo on hip)

I'm having fun reading these! Thanks to all!
Lori


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

"please stop licking the fishtank."

AND

"you may only eat your OWN boogers."

halloween and colds... argh!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

"no, your peepee doesn't want to eat a piece of your pancake."


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