# pregnancy fears



## olenikgirl (Apr 25, 2002)

Let me start by saying I have panic attack disorder. Among other things, it manifests itself by making me terrified of being trapped. The thought has become this feeling of being trapped an intolerable monster. It's why I can;t stand to get on a plane.
I want to become pregnant. I have always wanted to have children. There's a part of me that is waiting to begin my "real" life until I have children - if that makes ANY sense to ANYONE.
The panic disorder has made pregnancy this huge monsterous ordeal. One recurring fear thought is what if I get to the middle of the pregnancy and I can't take it anymore. What if the symptoms get really bad? What will I do? What if I can't stand it and I have 5 months to go?
It's really just aweful.
I'm tapering off klonopin so I can be med free for at least the first three months. I'm seeing a therapist who is helping me.
But the fears remain.
I do feel a little better than I used to. I'm not sobbing in terror while watching deliveries on the Discovery channel...But I still have the fears of being trapped during pregnancy.
Anyone have experiences or ideas? Did you have moments like this for real during pregnancy?
Thanks so much.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Thank you so much for sharing - and Welcome to Mothering.

It sounds like a very painful time for you. Your feeling very scared right now. I do have panic attacks, but not even close to the scale that you do.

What I did find in Pregnancy was a sence of control. I felt such a warmth for my child and a will to bring them into the world safely. Never once did I feel trapped.

Not saying you'll feel as I did. We're all individuals and we all feel differently. It sounds like you have a good support network on you side. You may also want to see an herbalist or naturalpath if that would be something comfortable for you. They may be able to guid you naturally. I know Chamomile is very calming and safe with pregnancy (but check with your physician). Also, if you use caffein you may want to cut that out. Red and Blue dye also cause agitation and anxiety.

Of course these adjusting your diet isn't going to resolve the issue, but it may help keep you calm while you deal with the other issues.

I wish you the best. You may want to post to our Welcome Board so that others can get to know you. Keep us informed on how things are going for you.


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## olenikgirl (Apr 25, 2002)

Thanks for your experience. Sometimes I think I just need to know women who've had empowering experiences. I don't have the worst panic attacks in the worls but it's the anticipatory anxiety that's the real problem. I hear so many stories of women who just fell like they lose control over their bodies while pregnant. But that doesn't even make sense to me. Of course, losing control over your body and being trapped are kind of the same thing in panic attack world.
But pregnancy, if I'm lucky to get pregnant, seems like the time when you should be most present. Most grounded. Until of course labor which is another topic.
I'm sorry I'm rambling. And I was so wrapped up in the problem I totally forgot to post int he welcome board which I'm going to do now.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I would recommend you take a Bradley birthing class...baby doesn't want me to type more...sorry os short


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## karen t. (Mar 2, 2002)

i hope i can encourage you with my experience. during my pregnancy, i did fell very vulnerable at times, and i did have some terrible dreams, BUT i also felt empowered! pregnancy to me showed me just what my body could do to grow and sustain life. at times, in my mind i just sort of sat back and watched my body take over the decision my husband and i made to get pregnant. (does this make any sense?) plenty of times i just had to let out a deep breath and trust what would happen, that my body knows what to do. (my mom passed away when i was a teenager, so i missed asking a lot of questions from a wiser, older woman.) my husband encouraged me to be good to myself! something i found soothing was being outdoors (at the time, we lived in colorado) and also, no matter what time of the year, i found a place to swim!!! that might sound silly, but being in the water felt good to me. it allowed me to relax, and i felt a sort of connectedness to my baby, as she was in her own little pool!! also, i know what you mean by watching the births on discovery channel - it sort of sucks me in!! BUT for all of the writhing and screaming that's shown, i firmly believe that there are just as many if not MORE births that are gentle and enjoyable and wonderful. i wish there was a t.v. show that would depict pregnant and delivering moms in a positive light, as opposed to thrashing about!! my pregnancy was enjoyable (i actually miss being pregnant!) and i had an excellant mid wife. although the outcome was not what i had expected, (i want to be honest with you, but not freak you out) i did have what i would consider a good delivery. i didn't tear at all or lose much blood. after the fact, i felt like telling everyone who scared me about pregnancy & delivery how wonderful it was!!!! there should be more encouragment!!! when you feel the time is right for you, seek out positive and gentle women who are encouraging. and if someone starts to tell you how wild and painful and out of control you'll be during delivery, just thank them for sharing, then toss it out!!!! there ARE enjoyable pregnancies!! and enjoyable BIRTHS !!! i worked myself into a frenzy half the time because i was listening to how hard it is, instead of how gratifying and beautiful it is !!!!!

mahlah's ma,

karen t.


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## hypatia (Apr 29, 2002)

My first feeling when I took my pregnancy test was of being trapped. I mean, I was like you, I really wanted to have kids, I had been hoping to get pregnant. I really wanted to test postive. But then I got the test back, and I thought, "Oh my God, I am trapped with this whether I like it or not. I have to be really careful with what I put in my body, I can't take Advil, my clothes won't fit, I'll never be able to travel ever again." It was terrifying to still feel normal and yet, know that a certain course of events was going to take over that I had no control over.

But despite all of that, I was still really happy to be pregnant... I was so excited!

And of course then I had a miscarriage, and I was devastated, and cried for days. But I also was like, I'm oging to take as many trips as possible right now while I have a chance.

Hypatia


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Olenikgirl,
I don't think any of what you posted is crazy. The prospect and then the reality of pregnancy and birth is different for every woman, for every birth.

I never felt trapped during pregnancy, but I did during labor. First, let me suggest that you not watch too many more horror deliveries. Instead, seek out empowering experiences women have had giving birth. Read "Birthing From Within" by Pam England and "Immacualte Deception" by Suzanne Arms. Also, there are some really good birth stories book that I borrwoed from my midwife. I can get the names if you want them.

Now, about my labor. I can recall a very specific moment when I was only about 3-4 cm dilated and my midwife suggested a shower. I was frantic in there. Outwardly calm, inwardly searching for a way out of the pregnancy. I had decided on a homebirth, and I had a great midwife who made me get through all the parts of labor on my own. I was in so much pain. I was thinking, "no way can I make it through 12 more hours of this." Of course, I didn't know I was only 4 hours away from birth. I was furious at every contraction. I was thinking if only there were drugs here, i'd take them. I was thinking, forget the drugs, just cut the baby out.

But that would mean going to the hospital, leaving my home, my shower, getting dressed, riding in a car. All of which sounded worse than another contraction. Which came of course. So, I decided to stay at home without drugs. I knew it was up to me to came up witha plan as to how I was going to make it through the next contraction. A light bulb went off. I would just breathe. I would not think about the next hour, or even the next contraction. I would only think about the next breath. And not the whole breath. Only breathing in, then breathing out.

I learned the lesson of birth: the way to get through fear and pain is to walk through it.

The next several hours were a blur: all I did was breathe in, breath out. Then, at some point I went back to the bathroom to take a bath(I had spent those hours breathing in the bedroom). I was 6 cm before the walk down the hall. On the toilet waiting to get into the water I went into transition. In the bath my body started pushing, me just breathing in and out. I didn't even realize I was so close, thought I was still 6 cm. I got up from the bath tub and my midwife asked how far until my baby's head was out. I felt his head right inside my vagina. I decided I wasn't going back to the bedroom. A few pushes later he was out.

I am very glad I had a good midwife. I am extremely happy to have decided to give birth at home. Otherwise, I would have opted for the drugs and I know for sure I would have missed out on all the blessings that come from making it on your own. You can do it. Your body is made for this work. Gather people around you who are convinced that you can do it.
Sarah


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Sarah, thank you for sharing such a personal and loving tribute to the baby you lost. Your an amazing woman...


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