# would you feel that MIL was still an acceptable babysitter?



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Long story short: My MIL forgot to pick up my 7th grader from school the other day when my dd had a half day. (And my dd had reminded her just the day before. MIL had completely agreed to picking her up. Otherwise we would have made other plans.) I had to leave work early to get my dd. The jr. high had locked their doors. MIL had no excuse for forgetting her. Of course I was livid.

MIL is 68. Her own mother starting getting Alzheimer's at 62. How strong is the genetic link for Alzheimer's? We invited MIL to a party today, and she got the time wrong. She of course, doesn't think there's anything wrong with her memory.

My dd is 12 and my son is 6. She babysits for us occasionally, mostly so the kids and she can spend some time together. We don't really need her to babysit except on rare occasions. Dh thinks it's perfectly fine for MIL to babysit, as long as we're not counting on her to pick the kids up any more.

I, however, am no longer comfortable with her driving the kids anywhere--she likes to take them to a movie or the fair, etc. (Local places.) As I see it, there are only two possibilities for her forgetting my dd -- either she's slipping mentally, or she's WAY too wrapped up in herself. Either way, I don't really want her taking my kids places.

She also is very hard of hearing. She can't understand me or the kids most of the time.

So WWYD? Still let her babysit and drive them places? Just babysit but not drive? Neither?

Dh thinks I'm paranoid or just disliking MIL. So I need honest opinions I can show him of how other mothers see this situation as I've described it. Whatever you say/vote is fine--again, I just need honest opinions. Thanks.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

She also is very hard of hearing. She can't understand me or the kids most of the time.
This might be a problem for me if she isn't doing anything to adapt to her hearing loss. Lots of people with varying degrees of hearing loss have kids and do fine. If she's refusing to admit it and the kids just can not communicate with her (or if it's making her driving iffy?), then it's a problem.

As for forgetting to pick your daughter up - my mom has always done stuff like that...half days, ball practice, dance, friend's house. It just happens. If it's not something that's happened before, I might let it slide. Sometimes people forget things. If she's ever supposed to pick up one of your kids again, you might give them the five minute rule - if Nana is more than five minutes late, call her. If they can't get her, move on to the next person on the call list. Or you might call her yourself to remind her.

Forgetting one pick up is not necessarily the beginning of Alzheimers.


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

Well, the hard of hearing issue would bug me more than the not picking up your daughter thing. I mean, I'm half your mom's age, and I forget things occasionally - even things like picking up your daughter. A few weeks ago, I agreed to meet someone. We confirmed the morning that it was scheduled for. Guess what? Four hours later, I'd gotten so caught up in something that it totally slipped my mind. I think in my case it was because it wasn't at my normal time to meet someone for a social thing, and I was busy, so I forgot. I felt awful, but I can pretty much guarantee that it's not early onset Alzheimer's. I just spaced it. It happens.

In that situation, I'd maybe give your MIL a call that morning or an hour or two before she's needed to pick someone up.

I can understand being annoyed at having to leave work early because of this, but livid seems really excessive for what you've described. For me, livid would be where someone said they'd do something when they knew all along they wouldn't, not that they just forgot.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
Well, the hard of hearing issue would bug me more than the not picking up your daughter thing. I mean, I'm half your mom's age, and I forget things occasionally - even things like picking up your daughter. A few weeks ago, I agreed to meet someone. We confirmed the morning that it was scheduled for. Guess what? Four hours later, I'd gotten so caught up in something that it totally slipped my mind. I think in my case it was because it wasn't at my normal time to meet someone for a social thing, and I was busy, so I forgot. I felt awful, but I can pretty much guarantee that it's not early onset Alzheimer's. I just spaced it. It happens.


But I think forgetting a social engagement with another independent adult is completely different than forgetting to pick up a dependent child.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I dunno, my kids are so much younger and we've never really even used a babysitter







(family all out of state) but I think in your sitch I would make sure the kids saw lots of MIL, but def no driving and maybe not babysitting, unless you think your oldest is mature enough to pick up any spacey slack. That's tough, though, b/c I can see you DH thinking it's a personal thing against his mom.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

But I think forgetting a social engagement with another independent adult is completely different than forgetting to pick up a dependent child.
But people don't choose what they forget. Sometimes things just slip your mind. You don't get to pick which ones.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

I have forgotten my own kids on a mini day at school. I did finally remember and was 10 minutes late, but only cause I saw a school bus go by. Changes in schedule throw me for a loop. I have to write things down and pin it where I'll see it, then worry I'll forget.
I'd give her another chance if this is the first time she has missed a pick up. As for the time wrong for a party, I do that too, I get the wrong time and for some reason I stick with it. No idea why, I've been doing stuff like that forever.
I went to the hairdresser a day early this week, the holiday weekend threw me off on the calender.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

It sounds like you're not very comfortable with her taking care of your kids even before the half-day incident.

But on its own, an unusual school circumstance when she regularly picks up the kids at a different time would not make me think someone was unfit. I have had a few near misses just this year when there was a half day, and I don't think I am unfit.

If you're not comfortable and can never forgive her for this incident, then you shouldn't use her as childcare. You don't even have to have a "good" explainable reason to fire someone as your childcare provider, if your gut is truly telling you to do so then do it.

But I do kind of hope that you did not bring up Alzheimers to her during the incident...considering how internally mortified she probably was, that would be pretty cruel in the heat of the moment, even though if I was enraged I would probably think it too.

So I dunno. DO you dislike her, and are just using this incident as an excuse to finally do what you've wanted to do (fire her)? In some ways it can be a relief to have something concrete to blame for firing someone. But I think that if that is some of what you're feeling, admitting that to DH and then logically showing him your other concerns is probably the way to go--because if he can tell that you dislike her and you won't admit it, he'll probably think you're bluffing on this incident as well.

To me, I think that if I'm getting the right impression that you've been uncomfortable with her for some time is reason enough to fire her as a babysitter, forgetting a kid is likely to happen once to almost everyone. I think you are being overly harsh in your "there are only two reasons why" though.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I voted let her babysit but not drive.
My FIL is 78 and "slipping" a bit. He still drives, but very slow.
He comes here to watch ds, but he doesn't drive him anywhere.

If it were a younger child, I'd be more hesitant, but ds is almost 7.
So it works out fine, and they really enjoy each other's company.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
But people don't choose what they forget. Sometimes things just slip your mind. You don't get to pick which ones.

Personally I'm a lot less likely to forget my children than anything else. Forget something at the store? Sure. Forget my kids? Never. It depends on what is a priority in your brain.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
But I do kind of hope that you did not bring up Alzheimers to her during the incident...considering how internally mortified she probably was, that would be pretty cruel in the heat of the moment, even though if I was enraged I would probably think it too.


Dh talked to her today about getting tested for Alzheimer's because if caught early, Alzheimer's can be slowed down by medication. He wasn't being cruel. He's concerned about her. (Especially when she forgot the time of the party, as well.)


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Wow, with just what you've described I think you are way over-reacting. My kids have a minimum day _every Thursday_, have had for five years now, and I forget to pick them up on time at least twice a year.

Her poor hearing I suppose is more of a problem.

It's obvious that you are upset with your mother-in-law about more than this, which is fine.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

I'm wondering if the hearing loss is the real issue. She may not have forgot, she may not have heard correctly when you told her when/where.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twinklefae* 
I'm wondering if the hearing loss is the real issue. She may not have forgot, she may not have heard correctly when you told her when/where.

She repeated it back to us so she did get the details right. I appreciate you thinking of that, though.


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

I'm not sure what I'd do. I don't think forgetting a child one time is a huge deal--it happens to lots of parents. If that and getting a party time wrong are the only things causing concern, I probably wouldn't be all that worried. One thing I would consider as far as having her watch the kids at your house is that a lot of people let 12 year olds baby sit all by themselves. I started babysitting when I was 13. . . . So I think I wouldn't worry too much about leaving both kids with MIL.

Catherine


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twinklefae* 
I'm wondering if the hearing loss is the real issue. She may not have forgot, she may not have heard correctly when you told her when/where.

I'm wondering this also. It seems in the media that there is a strong genetic link to senile dementia, Alzheimers or otherwise, but my grandmother had severe dementia much younger than my father is now and he's fine without any sign of dementia at all.


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

I forget my son when things change, like the regular routine. He knows if I am not there within 10 minutes of him getting out, he just goes to the office and calls me. He is 12, and while he is technically dependant, he also knows how to reach someone to get him if I do forget. It just happens sometimes. If this if the first time your MIL did it, I wouldn't be too hard on her. And with her hearing, maybe she is just hearing you guys wrong.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
Wow, with just what you've described I think you are way over-reacting. My kids have a minimum day _every Thursday_, have had for five years now, and I forget to pick them up on time at least twice a year.
.

Just curious-- did you eventually remember to pick them up? How late were you? 15 minutes? A half hour?

MIL didn't remember at all.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Because your kids are older and could call you if there was a problem, I'd let her continue to babysit. But they need to stay close enough that the kids can walk to her house or a neighbor's home and call you for help.

Frankly, aside from letting the kids have time with their grandmother, I'd see what I could do to make myself comfortable with the 12 y.o. babysitting the 6 y.o. if that's at all reasonable. Like asking a neighbor across the street to be on call to tell her if it's safe to open the door if someone is claiming to be a police officer, for instance.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

I know parents who've forgotten to pick up their kids. i have to phone DH sometimes and remind him to leave work at a particular time if he needs to be somewhere.

I totally agree that since your kids are older, and one of them is 12, it's not like they are dependent on your MIL like a couple of toddlers would be. I'd trust a lot of 12 year olds to babysit a 6 year old.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Personally I'm a lot less likely to forget my children than anything else. Forget something at the store? Sure. Forget my kids? Never. It depends on what is a priority in your brain.

Ouch -- so all of us who say we have occasionally forgotten to pick up a child don't have them as a priority in our brains? Please. Some people are more likely to forget things, even very important things, than others.

Back to the OP -- If she is so hard of hearing that she cannot hear a car horn or siren, I would definitely not allow her to drive. If she is so hard of hearing that she could not hear a child call for help (or a smoke alarm), I would not allow her to babysit. Beyond that though, I do believe that you could allow her to babysit and compensate for her shortcomings and the kids would be safe. I probably would feel differently if these were babies or toddlers, but school aged children should have a certain amount of self-sufficiency skills, so this would be OK with me.

I would obviously make sure there is a backup plan for pick-ups and make sure your children feel safe/comfortable. If they are uneasy, that would be the end of sitting for me. But given that your older child is nearly babysitter aged, I think I would generally be OK with it.

And if you do decide not to allow sitting any more, definitely make sure your children continue to spend time with her, just with another adult there to take final responsibility.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

No driving unless cognitive issues have been ruled out.

I wouldn't leave her with toddlers, but I would leave her with my 8 yo (I trust my 8 yo, so I don't need to trust her babysitter, kwim?). I'd likely be ok with her spending time alone with a 12 and 6 yo together, depending on the kids. I wouldn't call it "babysitting", though....just an afternoon with gma. If I needed a responsible babysitter for some reason, I'd choose someone else.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

The one year my son did go to school we "forgot" one day that it was half day







It isn't the first time it has happen at the school trust me.

About the time of the party -- We have done that.

These two things alone does not have me to worried-- especially at your kids age. I would watch closer. I would also be a PITA about hearing test and aids if needed. Even though she repeated back things she is still missing things.

Also if this isn't normal for her routine it is easier to forget.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Long story short: My MIL forgot to pick up my 7th grader from school the other day when my dd had a half day. (And my dd had reminded her just the day before. MIL had completely agreed to picking her up. Otherwise we would have made other plans.) I had to leave work early to get my dd. The jr. high had locked their doors. MIL had no excuse for forgetting her. Of course I was livid.

MIL is 68. Her own mother starting getting Alzheimer's at 62. How strong is the genetic link for Alzheimer's? We invited MIL to a party today, and she got the time wrong. She of course, doesn't think there's anything wrong with her memory.

My dd is 12 and my son is 6. She babysits for us occasionally, mostly so the kids and she can spend some time together. We don't really need her to babysit except on rare occasions. Dh thinks it's perfectly fine for MIL to babysit, as long as we're not counting on her to pick the kids up any more.

I, however, am no longer comfortable with her driving the kids anywhere--she likes to take them to a movie or the fair, etc. (Local places.) As I see it, there are only two possibilities for her forgetting my dd -- either she's slipping mentally, or she's WAY too wrapped up in herself. Either way, I don't really want her taking my kids places.

She also is very hard of hearing. She can't understand me or the kids most of the time.

So WWYD? Still let her babysit and drive them places? Just babysit but not drive? Neither?

Dh thinks I'm paranoid or just disliking MIL. So I need honest opinions I can show him of how other mothers see this situation as I've described it. Whatever you say/vote is fine--again, I just need honest opinions. Thanks.

I would no longer have her driving or taking the kids out. And I would insist her son go with her to a doctor to make sure that she is not getting Altzheimer's. There is a genetic component to it in many cases and there are meds she could be on that could help stave off these symptoms if they are related.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
I voted let her babysit but not drive.
My FIL is 78 and "slipping" a bit. He still drives, but very slow.
He comes here to watch ds, but he doesn't drive him anywhere.

If it were a younger child, I'd be more hesitant, but ds is almost 7.
So it works out fine, and they really enjoy each other's company.

Suppose they forget they aren't allowed to take them anywhere?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
Suppose they forget they aren't allowed to take them anywhere?

That's a good question, but I'd tell my kids not to let G-ma take them anywhere.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

My dad .... who had his kids young, so we're only talking 30's and 40's here.....used to forget to pick us up when we went to the library after school so regularly we had a rule that we should wait 20 minutes, then go call him. He was always precisely on time when he remembered and it took 20 minutes for him to get from work to home.

No biggee.

My dad had a lot of priorities .... but no one doubted his family topped all of them.

I think before cell phones, people were pretty used to this happening regularly. That's what pay phones were for.

Maybe your mother in law has something weighing on her mind. Medical checks are great...the hearing might be a problem, but of course, deaf people are legal to drive. If she's got a cognitive impairment, also good to know.

But coming late to your party and forgetting to pick up a 12 year old....inconvenient, annoying, but not "never alone with the kids" worthy.


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## Agatha_Ann (Apr 5, 2009)

I don't think these issues are so serious that I would be concerned leaving my children with her, especially older kids. I think half-days are so hard to remember! To be honest though, from your responses, it kind of seems like you have already made up your mind?


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## futurmama8 (Aug 15, 2008)

:

My mother used to forget us sometimes and actually go on about her day. When we finally got home is when she realized what happened







and she was only in her mid 30's even at 40 she does it. My grandfather forgot us a few times but my mother never told him he couldn't see us. I think that is a little drastic. Even if your MIL was getting Alzheimers having her stay home with your kids isn't all that bad and it may help her with her memory. Your daughter is 12 right? It seems like you aren't getting the answers you want but thought I would throw my .02 in. goodluck


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## saimeiyu (Aug 13, 2007)

It really sounds like you've already made up your mind and you just want someone to agree with you so you can tell your DH "See? It's NOT just me!"

I'm not one of those people, though. Forgetting things is something that happens to everyone, once in a while. I think you're grasping at straws looking for a reason to not let her babysit your kids and probably have been for a while. That's probably the main reason your DH thinks it's a grudge or something on your part.

A twelve year old should be able to call grandma or home or something when someone forgets to pick her up. Heck, I'd expect that level of self-sufficiency from a nine-year-old. So, ok, it's not cool and certainly not something you want to happen all the time. But I still don't think it's something to freak out over. Forgetting the time of a party? Again, not a big deal. Forgetting both of those things in a week's time? Still, not a big deal. I mix things like that up all the time. I've got a memory like swiss cheese, and for that reason I have a giant big white board in my living room to write stuff down on where I can see it. If there's something my DH wants me to get done, I tell him-- write it on the whiteboard. Don't just tell me and expect it to get done. I won't remember 85% of the time.

So if there's something you don't want her to forget... write it down someplace she can see it.

As for babysitting/driving... Yeah, I don't think either one would be a problem. It's not like she's going to forget that green means go, red means stop, check before you change lanes, you know?

I think you should just be honest. If you don't want her watching your kids, that's your prerogative as their mother, but it wouldn't bother me just from what you describe.


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

i said let her babysit and drive. other then forgetting you gave no reason that she can not still drive well. i forget things like that sometimes when its not the norm. and i am only 25. if this happened time and time again then i would say something different









with that said... i would use your mama instinct! you are there and see everything going on, i am not!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
It really sounds like you've already made up your mind and you just want someone to agree with you so you can tell your DH "See? It's NOT just me!"


Yeah, and I admitted that, pretty much.

It's interesting that the poll shows a dramatically different response than the majority of posters who have written something. Right now, the poll is 47 people saying "don't let her drive kids" ( the "neither" response also includes not driving) with 15 people saying "let her drive kids."


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovebug* 
i said let her babysit and drive. other then forgetting you gave no reason that she can not still drive well.

Recently she drove on a flat tire for quite awhile because she didn't notice/feel/hear that she had one.


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

For what it's worth, my own mother forgot to pick me up from school - more than once, lol. She was a single mom, and busy working ... and it just slipped her mind.

I always thought that was pretty "normal" - forgetting to pick up a kid from school. I bet it happens to quite a few parents, at least once in their parenting lifetimes.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sailor* 
I always thought that was pretty "normal" - forgetting to pick up a kid from school. I bet it happens to quite a few parents, at least once in their parenting lifetimes.

That's just outside of my paradigm. I can't fathom it.

And FWIW, dh says that MIL never forgot to pick him up from school, so it's not like she's always been this way.


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## ebethmom (Jan 29, 2002)

My dh and I agreed a long time ago that his mother would not drive our kids anywhere. We actually agreed on this before we ever had kids! We noticed that her reflexes were really slowing down, and that distractions took her focus off driving. She was probably 72 when we made those observations.

I would be concerned about her hearing loss in relation to driving. Does she wear hearing aids? Is her hearing loss significant enough that she wouldn't hear an emergency vehicle?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ebethmom* 
My dh and I agreed a long time ago that his mother would not drive our kids anywhere. We actually agreed on this before we ever had kids! We noticed that her reflexes were really slowing down, and that distractions took her focus off driving. She was probably 72 when we made those observations.

I would be concerned about her hearing loss in relation to driving. Does she wear hearing aids? Is her hearing loss significant enough that she wouldn't hear an emergency vehicle?

She does wear hearing aids. I can't always judge how well she hears--it seems to vary from day to day. (And she hears some tones better than others--she can hear dh almost all of the time because his voice is deeper than mine.) She's certainly not going to hear an emergency vehicle as QUICKLY as someone with normal hearing.


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## rparker (Jul 15, 2008)

I wouldn't let her drive them until cognitive issues were definitely ruled out. I only voted "yes" to baby sitting because a 12 year old is old enough to watch a 6 year old and to call for help if grandma does something weird.

Yes, there are some people who are forgetful, but if this is new and out of character for her then that's a red flag, especially when combined with hearing loss. Your husband should really encourage her to see a doctor. My grandmother started having problems with her memory when she was in her late sixties/early seventies. Nothing "major," but small things often enough that my mother became irritated and made her go to her doctor to get checked for Alzheimer's... she had a huge brain tumor. (She also "voluntarily" stopped driving pretty quickly after she was diagnosed.)


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

just being honest here - not to be mean: it won't be long before your 12 year old is able to babysit grandma. seriously. and there's nothing wrong with that! i was a babysitter by age 12, and not long after that, i had some jobs babysitting elderly people.

in all seriousness, if the whole point is for grandma and kids to get some quality time together, what's wrong with having young teen (or tween) sit with grandma for a few hours, watch some TV, read books together, perhaps do a little light cooking, such as making a simple recipe. it can help your daughter learn responsibity (ie., make sure grandma turns off the stove), and empathy for someone who loves her, but maybe needs a little help herself. when your son is old enough to help, he can be a part of it too.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I think you are lucky to have her help, and I hope you appreciate her appropriately.

My kids have an early day on Wednesday (every Wed.) and there have been times where I have forgotten them and thought that they were getting out at the regular time. More so when they first started with it, but also later. My kids know to go to the office and call me, and every wednesday there is a handful of kids in there for the same reason. If I am not there, after a while they will call my emergency contact person to come pick them up. Luckily it never got this far, but I had to pick up a neighbor's kid for this reason on a minimum day just last week. I didn't mind at all, and my neighbor was sorry but appreciated the help. We are all human and can forget when the routine is different.

My mom certainly forgot me enough times when I was a kid--especially if I was staying late for a sports practice. I remember waiting for a long time for her many times.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I voted neither, not because I personally would restrict her involvement with the kids (to me, forgetting to pick someone up as an isolated incident is not as big a deal as it appears to be to you), but just because I don't think anyone is _obligated_ to leave their kids alone with someone if they're uncomfortable with it. Since you say you hardly ever need a babysitter, there's no reason grandma can't just come over for a visit with the whole family rather than being there as a babysitter.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I can't answer based on what you have here. I know my MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD at all and certainly not in a car but there is a LOOOOONG history of why...
As for forgetting the kid count me in there as well. I've fallen asleep only to wake up to a call from the school C is waiting in our office when your ready to come get her














.. Opps







This past Tuesday if it wasn 't for the fact that was the day shes comes home ith a friend I would have been late because I TOTALY forgot there was early dismisal the entire last week of school so I was honestly suprised when she walked in the door at 12:59 in stead of 2:45. Despite thinking about what is my DD doing wondering how she did on a test did she eat her lunch did I give her enough water its hot today ect despite spending the day washing and folding her clothes picking up her toys seeing her drawing planning dinner with her in mind talking to another parrent to set up a possible play date for HER after school ect I've had the time get away from me.









Deanna


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
i voted neither, not because i personally would restrict her involvement with the kids (to me, forgetting to pick someone up as an isolated incident is not as big a deal as it appears to be to you), but just because i don't think anyone is _obligated_ to leave their kids alone with someone if they're uncomfortable with it. Since you say you hardly ever need a babysitter, there's no reason grandma can't just come over for a visit with the whole family rather than being there as a babysitter.

ita.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

you know what, everyone forgets things from time to time. There was one occasion where I was on the way to work and started heading in that direction before I realized that I had forgotten to take DS to daycare (which is in a different direction). It wouldn't have been that big a deal because my boss doesn't care if I bring him to work with me (but I take him to daycare because I can't be the kind of mom or the kind of teacher I need to be when I bring him to work, but every once in a while, it's okay). Anyway, the point is that I had a really busy day ahead of me and had a lot on my mind. I remembered before I got too far down the road and I did have enough time to turn around and take him to daycare, but I could have just as easily ended up halfway to work before realizing what I had done.

There was another time that I was supposed to be assisting a friend with her childbirth class. I spent the whole day feeling like I was forgetting something. The next morning I shot up realizing that I had totally missed her class. I felt just awful about it.

Anyway, life happens and people forget things sometimes (especially if something is out of the ordinary). If she was forgetting to pick your children up on a regular basis or if she forgot again, maybe then I would be making some adjustments with the childcare situation, but if it is just a one time thing, I think I'd talk to her about it (just say that it really has you worried that she forgot to pick them up and what can you do to make sure it doesn't happen again), give her another chance and move on.

I also don't think I would be worried about alzheimer's just because she forgot two things within a week of each other (I mean maybe she's got stuff on her mind this week and she's feeling a little pre-occupied). Just keep a watchful eye on her. If she starts forgetting more things on a regular basis, or if she starts forgetting things that she ALWAYS remembers, then maybe I'd worry about alzheimer's or some other kind of dementia... but at this point I wouldn't stress about it.


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## FuzzyOne (May 3, 2005)

based on your description, no i wouldn't restrict her from babysitting or driving.

but then, i'm coming from a place where my mom truly cannot safely babysit or drive my children. and it's hard and heartbreaking and a situation i would wish on no one.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
there's no reason grandma can't just come over for a visit with the whole family rather than being there as a babysitter.

I agree. My dh thinks she should get "alone time" with them, though, because he thinks all grandparents should be entitled to that for some reason.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

If there are no other incidences of MIL forgetting things, I would not be worried about Alzheimer's

Many parents have forgot to pick kids up.

It might be good to make sure she has a cell phone so you can keep in touch.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Recently she drove on a flat tire for quite awhile because she didn't notice/feel/hear that she had one.


I am only 41 and I did that recently. I just didn't look at the tire. There was no vibration or anything. A man at a stoplight told me.

I also forgot that my son got out of school an hour early once, and was not home in time for his bus to drop him off. I had to go to the school and get him, and the office staff was none too happy with me. But, it was not on purpose.

It also does not mean that my kids are not a priority in my brain, as some other poster suggested.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 

I also don't think I would be worried about alzheimer's just because she forgot two things within a week of each other (I mean maybe she's got stuff on her mind this week and she's feeling a little pre-occupied). Just keep a watchful eye on her. If she starts forgetting more things on a regular basis, or if she starts forgetting things that she ALWAYS remembers, then maybe I'd worry about alzheimer's or some other kind of dementia... but at this point I wouldn't stress about it.

The forgetting PLUS her own mother getting Alzheimer's at a relatively young age is what has us (me?) concerned.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama* 

It might be good to make sure she has a cell phone so you can keep in touch.

She does have a cell phone. Dd tried to call her. MIL doesn't bother answering her phone (she probably can't hear it ringing.)


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
I agree. My dh thinks she should get "alone time" with them, though, because he thinks all grandparents should be entitled to that for some reason.

How do the kids feel about this? Are they willing to see her despite her forgetting to do something that isn't normally in her routine? They have had alone time with her to do fun things for a while and it has worked out well. I think there is a huge difference between forgetting to pick someone else's child up and forgetting the child you brought with you to a fun outing that you wouldn't normally go to on your own. If the kids have had fun time with her for years it may be devastating to them if you just shut them off from this because you don't want her in their lives. It may also hurt your marriage if you start denying her time with the kids that your dh feels she should have.

You seem very adamant about demonizing her for two incidents in twelve years. Is there more going on? Have you two had a rocky relationship that makes you leap at an opportunity to shut her out more? I think you should not follow that impulse if that is what is going on because it can hurt your marriage and your children and it also seems unreasonable at this point.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 

You seem very adamant about demonizing her for two incidents in twelve years.

Wow. "Demonizing" is a harsh word. I'm concerned about my kids. And yes, their safety is my priority, even above my marriage. (Not that I think it has to come to that.) This is kind of a tangent, but "hurting my marriage" is just not something I worry about when it comes to parenting. Hopefully our marriage will survive the way that dh and I both parent---because we agree on a lot of things--but if not, parenting comes first. And dh feels the same way.

PS. Look at the poll results.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm surprised you didn't get page after page of:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

What does your inner voice say?

I would be very reluctant to tell a child THEY had to enforce the no traveling with Grandma rule. Maybe a teenager, depending on their temperament, but I think that would put the kid in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation. Possibly even dangerous, since it's hard enough for an ADULT to say no.

When my kids were small their beloved grandparents announced they were taking them to an amusement park by plane in a far away state, despite having fallen asleep while caring for them in a public place. That got a no.

As for what I would choose here: no driving, and no babysitting the younger child alone, and only babysitting the two if the temperament of the older child told you in your gut it was a good idea, and if you put the older child in charge of the younger child and they clearly understood it was their responsibility to watch the younger child as much as it was Grandma's. (And if your gut said the 12 year old wouldn't be the right kind of personality to do that, listen.)


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Unless there is more to things than what you've said here, I wouldn't have a problem with her driving or babysitting. Maybe I'd be hesitant to leave just the younger child but I'd be fine with both together. It's easy to forget things that aren't routine. So even if you would never forget to pick up your kids because they are part of your daily life (even if you don't actually pick them up every day), it isn't unreasonable that grandma did.

I would think about getting the 12 yo a cell phone and I'd think about pursuing the hearing issue, though.


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## babymommy2 (May 14, 2009)

Based on these 2 issues (forgetting topick up a 12 year old and forgetting the time of a party) I don't think there is a reason to not let your mIL babysit. Every one does forget on occasion. Especially since you said the reason she babysits is to spend time with your kids, I don't see the problem. Your daughter is 12, unless she is really immature I would think she could call you if something was really off or inapropriate with Your MIL. She is old enough to babysit independantly. I'm not sure why you don't want her to drive, there was no mention of problems with judgement when driving. That said re: the alzhemers thing, I think making her get cognitive testing based on these 2 incidents is pretty insulting to a person who is has full cognitive power. These are 2 things the majority of people have done. But I would be on the look out for other issues. If she really is starting to have dementia, believe me, there will be a lot more that 2 incidents. Maybe do some research into signs of dementia, it is not all about memory, there will be other types of signs as well, behavior changes, mood/personality changes, difficulty processes certain types of information. In the beginning a lot of people will compensate and may be defensive if you suggest there is a problem.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

I said neither, but I wasn't really thinking about how much older your kids are than mine when I voted. a 12yo and a 6yo, yeah, I would probably let her babysit but not drive the kids.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

***


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
She also is very hard of hearing. She can't understand me or the kids most of the time.

This would concern me most. Maybe she forgot to pick up your child, maybe she just heard the instructions wrong- the memory thing could be either way- but if someone has no clear way of communicating with my child, why would I let them babysit? MAYBE the 12 year old, not not for the 6 year old at all.


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

at your dc age if they are together w/ MIL, staying at your home, then I would say its ok. But w/ this kind of medical issue, one day it may be fine and the next NOT. So I would also "test" her often to see if she is still mentally all-there.


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Wow. "Demonizing" is a harsh word. I'm concerned about my kids. And yes, their safety is my priority, even above my marriage. (Not that I think it has to come to that.) This is kind of off-tangent, but "hurting my marriage" is just not something I worry about when it comes to parenting. Hopefully our marriage will survive the way that dh and I both parent---because we agree on a lot of things--but if not, parenting comes first. And dh feels the same way.

PS. Look at the poll results.

Your daughter is TWELVE. She's not two. Most of us on this forum were babysitting ourselves by the time we were 12 or not long after. Do you really think you're not blowing this out of proportion?

If you don't feel comfortable having her drive, then don't. But are you really prepared to not allow your MIL alone time with your kids (one of whom is babysitting age herself) because she's gotten a little forgetful?

Time spent with a loving grandma is an incredible gift. My favorite grandma died when I was your dd's age, and I would have given anything (would still give anything) to be able to spend more time with her. Also, fwiw, at age 12, I don't think the full impact of that loss really hit me. I loved her, but I was also 12 and able to be annoyed by the things she did as an elderly woman. But my time with her was a great gift, and I am extremely grateful that my parents were able to overlook her deficits and allow her and me to have that time together. Time spent with grandma and with parents is also fine, but it's not the same, and it doesn't allow for that same relationship and connection.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
I'm surprised you didn't get page after page of:

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.


Thank you.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
Is your MIL defensive about the forgetfulness or is she willing to admit the mistake and apologize for it? If she is defensive and unwilling to admit she did anything wrong, that would be a big red flag to me that something might be very wrong. And the fact that she is unwilling to do anything about her apparently significant hearing loss is very concerning as well.

.


She was incredibly defensive about having forgotten our dd. Like, "I was having a bad day, of course you can't expect me to remember her on a bad day" kind of thing.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
This would concern me most. Maybe she forgot to pick up your child, maybe she just heard the instructions wrong- the memory thing could be either way- but if someone has no clear way of communicating with my child, why would I let them babysit? MAYBE the 12 year old, not not for the 6 year old at all.

If they can't "get through" to G-ma, they can write notes to her. Of course that's a little awkward and time-consuming.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

From the poll and responses it seems that the majority of people think that you are blowing this out of proportion. I chose babysit but not drive because I don't like people who are "out of it" driving. I'm temporarily avoiding driving because my end of preggo brain is not the best on the road. I wouldn't have been "livid" about her forgetting to pick up a 12 year old. I've done that stuff before. I wouldn't take away "grandma time" for forgetfulness or hearing loss


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
She was incredibly defensive about having forgotten our dd. Like, "I was having a bad day, of course you can't expect me to remember her on a bad day" kind of thing.

Maybe she was defensive because she picked up on the way overblown attitude that a lot of people on here have also commented on. Most people don't respond well when someone is so critical of them as you are of her.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

OP, ultimately, they are your kids and it is your family. If you are set on not having you MIL babysit, then just say so. I guess after reading all of the responses (yours and everyone else's) I'm not really sure why you asked or put up a poll, because it seems like you already have your mind made up.


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## SimonMom (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 

As for what I would choose here: no driving, and no babysitting the younger child alone, and only babysitting the two if the temperament of the older child told you in your gut it was a good idea, and if you put the older child in charge of the younger child and they clearly understood it was their responsibility to watch the younger child as much as it was Grandma's. (And if your gut said the 12 year old wouldn't be the right kind of personality to do that, listen.)


That's exactly what I was going to suggest.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

***


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

If it happened often, I would be concerned, but once is not a big deal. My mom forgot to pick my brother and me up several times over the years.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Just curious-- did you eventually remember to pick them up? How late were you? 15 minutes? A half hour?

MIL didn't remember at all.

Almost every time I don't remember at all, my daughter calls to remind me. I'm not exactly proud of it.







:


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## alicia622 (May 8, 2005)

I think I'd have her just have the kids at her house with no driving or trips out to the community. Then you can continue to assess the situation to see if there is a problem or mistakes.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
She was incredibly defensive about having forgotten our dd. Like, "I was having a bad day, of course you can't expect me to remember her on a bad day" kind of thing.

That attitude would be a problem for me.

It's one thing if she apologized and said that it wouldn't happen again. By saying that she was having a "bad day", she not only making an excuse for this current incident, but also giving herself a pass for any future incidents of forgetfulness. That is not acceptable.

However, she is not a hired employee, and I do think that time with grandma is precious. She is showing signs of having difficulty with some aspects of caring for your children. Instead of babysitting and counting on her to pick up the kids, can she spend time at your home visiting and doing fun things with them? That would take the pressure off of her, and also put your mind at ease.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Boy, I'm hard of hearing and forgetful. And I'm a great mother.

I'd think a phone call to remind someone to pick up a kid to be in order. Also, unless you live somewhere scary, I don't see the 7th grader waiting as being a big deal.

I think you're bring harsh, unless there's more going on. Ask the kids how it seems to them. You're older one should have a good handle on it.

If it is Alz. and if the genetic link is strong, be kind. THat link runs through your dh and kids! There are lots of good meds to help her keep healthy and to delay the disease.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Umm, I've completely forgotten that my older children (ages 11 and 14) had a half day at school till they walked in the door! It doesn't mean that they're not a priority or that I'm going downhill







. It just means that I got busy with my other children and tasks and I forgot. People aren't machines; they forget...even important things, sometimes. My dh has forgotten about important meetings at work - it doesn't mean that he's a bad employee or irresponsible - it means he's human and prone to error, as we all are.

I hope you decide to give you MIL a break on this.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I chose still let her babysit and drive...

But I would not want her driving in certain places/circumstances. You didn't mention the route for yours. E.g. is she driving 1hr both ways? Going down to the city everyday? Or just driving down the street to a park?

I know things are different nowadays but honestly, 12yrs and needing a babysitter....I was babysitting most of the neighborhood by that age. If it's a relationship you want, just have MIL come over to the house.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I don't think anyone is _obligated_ to leave their kids alone with someone if they're uncomfortable with it.









:

I would have a hard time with her forgetting to pick up the kids. I know it happens to everyone, and I'm honestly not judging anyone who has forgotten their kids, but it's outside of my experience. My parents never forgot to pick us up, and I haven't had that happen with my kids, either. (We don't really have a routine, though, so we don't have changes in our routine for me to forget. I know that's very different from a regular school or child care routine that changes once and it slips your mind.) So, it would worry me. And I would also wonder if it was reasonable or not.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Dh talked to her today about getting tested for Alzheimer's because if caught early, Alzheimer's can be slowed down by medication. He wasn't being cruel. He's concerned about her. (Especially when she forgot the time of the party, as well.)

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but I did want to go ahead and comment. I lost my mother this past year to alzheimer's related things (she quit eating, broke her shoulder then the meds just sent her over the edge, then she broke her hip in a fall in the nursing home and suffered massive bleeding in her brain from the fall). We also talked to my mom about being tested and medication for alzheimers. The thing with the meds, according to my mom's doc and a friend who is a doc, the meds destroy the liver. My friend said that it slows the progression of the disease, but you never get back to where you were before beginning the meds and in the meantime your liver really suffers and people die from liver problems which can be really painful. My mother's biggest fear was getting alzheimers and I'm sure your MIL has the same fears if not more so since she has seen what happens.

Every summer my brother would send his children to my mother to stay. She still drove to certain places with them in the car (places she knew and never forgot how to get there) and was very capable in taking care of them. Yes, she was forgetful, but she was still able to care for them and have fun with them. The last time they stayed with her was this last summer (she died in October) when they were 12 and 9 years old. They both have wonderful memories of being able to spend this time with mom. Since your children are older, they can take care of themselves more so I think they should be allowed to spend as much time as possible with their grandmother. They can tell you if her driving freaks them out, then maybe you can say no to the driving with your children. . .but please don't take them away from her. I think one of the things that kept my mom more lucid for so long were the summers she spent with my niece and nephew.

About the defensiveness, well, my mom also got really defensive about her memory problems. . .sometimes when we would talk about it on the phone she would hang up on me







I'm not sure I would continue talking about it. I'd probably just not put her in situations where she has to remember things like picking up your children from school. I also don't think she should be forced to admit her mistake. I mean, she's got to be scared and feeling guilty about forgetting to pick your DD up. . .why make her feel even worse about it. I would just move on and, again, not ask her to pick her up again.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
But I think forgetting a social engagement with another independent adult is completely different than forgetting to pick up a dependent child.

The child in question was 12, not 2. Not exactly earth shattering.

ETA: should have read the whole thread, I am repeating what another poster already said...


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## futurmama8 (Aug 15, 2008)

OP please let your children spend time with their grandmother because you don't know how much time they will have left together. I think it is very wrong to do that to someone who did something EVERYBODY does. People forget but should they be judged and have consequences for it??? Umm I don't think so.

Quote:

That's just outside of my paradigm. I can't fathom it.

And FWIW, dh says that MIL never forgot to pick him up from school, so it's not like she's always been this way.
This is very offensive..it is like a holier than thou attitude and I think I would be pretty defensive if it was directed towards me. My mother forgot me sometimes but I moved on it didn't scar me for life. I also think it is great that she never forgot your DH so give her a break when it comes to BOTH of your kids.

P.S. the poll results are going along with what almost EVERYONE is saying to you. Sorry we all don't agree with how you see things but it must say something if most of the people posting are saying to let this lady see her grandchildren.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Haven't read the replies . . .

My own parents forgot to pick me up several times during my childhood, so an isolated incident wouldn't make me worry.

However, if you feel there are other health issues at hand, then I think it's fair to find out more. Has she been to the doctor lately? Is she on any medication? If you or your dh is close with her, these are things I would be discussing even if she wasn't watching your kids.

Dh's dad has Parkinson's, and we would not let him watch the kids for any extended period of time, or drive with them. He is very shaky, and is on many different meds that have various side effects. He is just very slow these days. However, he adores them and we value his relationship with them. When the kids were older I would probably feel okay with them hanging out at the house with him for a few hours, but not driving.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Definitely think you are overreacting.

About her being defensive, I can see how she would be if you are looking for Alzheimers in every mistake she makes kwim?

I would be more cautious if your children were younger, but yeah a 12 year old could be babysitting. ITA with those who say if you are not comfy with driving, that's cool, but let the kids spend time with their grandmother. Even if she does have Alzheimers, so what? Her memory would gradually worsen. But that has no bearing on how she is *right now*.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

There was no "other."

I there had been an other I would have voted that, but since there wasn't I went with letting her babysit and drive.

I wouldn't be at all concerned with her "babysitting" a twelve year old. A 12 yo is old enough to be in charge herself, unless she is unusually immature. If the 12 yo is present, than she can be mostly responsible for the 6 yo, again unless he is unusually immature. The forgetfulness level you describe isn't life threatening. Depending on how mature (and not likely to take advantage of the situation) the 6 yo is, I would even let her babysit him, under the currrent circumstances.

I wouldn't really start worrying till she gets much worse, and by then maybe you 12 yo can spend time taking care of her. As a teenager I sometimes watched my great aunt when my dad's cousin (her daughter and full time caretaker) need to go somewhere with out her mom. I also clean my grandmother apartment (she had physical not mental failings.) Taking care of our grandparent generation as teens, then our own parent at middle age is just one of the shifts in life that happens.

As for driving, I would have you DH ride around wiith her and see what he thinks. If you really worried, then call the department of motor vichles and anonomimasly subjest they retest her.


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## intentionalmama (Aug 23, 2008)

I feel for you. I haven't read the other posts but just wanted to chime in. Dealing with aging parents is a hard thing. For 2 years my father used to look after my son one day a week for approx 5 hours while I took a course at university. It was a great arrangement, except that he was really starting to forget things, he had bad eye sight, and after one espisode where he thought he lost his keys and was so full with anxiety that he really couldn't think straight, my husband and I both realized we could not have him responsible for our ds any more. ( He was around 72 at the time)

It was so hard to tell him that my dh was going to stay with my ds on the day I went to school. He was upset at first and thought we were overreacting, but we both believed that after awhile, deep down he was relieved. It is a lot of responsibility to look after a child and that was causing him stress. We told him he could come over anytime and see ds and we would love to have him over more for dinners etc.

For me, I really need to feel confident that the person who is looking after ds is on the ball. IF there is an emergency I need to feel that they are able to think on their feet and that my child is in safe hands. While my father loves my ds and would probably give his life for him, his forgetfulness was becoming quite stressful for him - which then clouded his ability to think clearly.

We thanked him profusely for all the help he had given us -it was very hard to do end this arrangement. Even thought I believed this was the right thing to do, I felt so guilty as his daughter "doing this" to him. I was so glad that my husband was insistent.

Lesley


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
Suppose they forget they aren't allowed to take them anywhere?

In our case, FIL drives a two seater van. He does not have a car seat, and he knows that he is not to drive ds without a booster seat, in the back seat.
He drove special needs kids to school in a wheelchair van for years, so he's very good about that stuff.

Any time ds needs to be somewhere while FIL is babysitting, my friend (who has a son the same age) comes and gets him for me.

FIL is not that forgetful, and he still drives himself around everywhere, just not ds.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *futurmama8* 
OP please let your children spend time with their grandmother because you don't know how much time they will have left together.

OP didn't say anywhere that she won't let kids & grandma spend time together.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I think it depends on your goals.

If your goal is to be able to ask her to babysit, wash your hands of it, and not worry at all - it might not be the best situation at this point. I have a daycare that is golden that way so I get it.









If your goal is to run your family in a way that is safe for your kids (of course) but involves intergenerational pitching in, I'd just call her the next time to remind her or support her in other ways. As far as dementia goes, no, I don't think these are necessarily early signs - if she's young enough to still be going through menopause it's probably more that (like 'pregnancy brain'). But I would watch it.

You might want to read that Washington Post article on kids being left in carseats to get more perspective on how memory works too (in that extreme circumstance)... forgetting a child once or twice is *not* a failure of love or care, it's a failure of short-term memory, can be related to lack of sleep and driving because of how your basal ganglia takes over, and can happen to anyone.

I mention this because it seems to me to be important to understand both that your MIL's mistake does not relate to her love. And also because I think all of us caregivers need to understand that loving our kids is not protection against mistakes.

Personally I do think you are being a little harsh, but I also appreciate that you are worried about your kids. I'm sure you can work it out, including having someone do the driving.


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

So, that said, I personally wouldn't let her drive with the kids or have her responsible for pick ups and drop offs. I also wouldn't let her be alone with the 6 year old if her judgment (for whatever reason) is iffy. I might be OK with short babysitting stints if the 12 year old would be there as well, but would probably just have the visits become a family event rather than just the kids.


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

You're the only one who knows what's best for your children and know the entire situation, so you should follow your gut on this.

That said, anybody can forget to pick up their kid, it happens. I never thought I'd forget something like that, and I did last year on a Wednesday (early dismissal day). I just forgot; I was thinking it was a regular day. It was the only time I forgot in five years, I'm a sahm whose family is priority, but it happened.

I wouldn't keep MIL from babysitting just because of this one incident; driving is a totally different matter. I voted that she should still do both solely on what you wrote.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Eh, my mom forgot me more than once. It wasn't because she was a bad mom it was because she got busy doing whatever it was she did while I was in school







and lost track of time. Doesn't mean she was slipping mentally or didn't care about me, she simply lost track of time. *shrug*

I wouldn't ban MIL from sitting over this. I might, however, gently suggest that she get her hearing checked and maybe get a hearing aid.

ETA, or maybe get her a day planner with an alarm? Heck I'm roughly a third your MIL's age and still rely on my cell phone a lot to remind me of events/appts...even though the calendar is like 2 feet away from my face right now.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I think it's important in this case to realize that the forgetting that your MIL has done is NOT the type of forgetting that is a symptom of dementia. By all means, she should be aware of her genetic risks and discuss this with her doctor, but forgetting to pick a child up (which I have also done) or forgetting the time of the party are not indications of Alzheimer's.

If you forget to do something, or where you put something, that's everyday slips of memory. They happen to us all. We don't choose what to forget.

If you get in the car and can't recall where you're going, why you're going there, or how the car works, that's a symptom of dementia.

If you don't want her being responsible for your kids, fine, but I don't think that she's demonstrated that she's incapable or uncaring, or that she is in the beginning stages of senile decline.


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## futurmama8 (Aug 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brisen* 
OP didn't say anywhere that she won't let kids & grandma spend time together.

I know she didn't say that, and I never implied that. What I am saying is let them spend as much time together as possible and I don't agree with limiting their time together alone just because of two isolated incidents that people of all ages do. Guess I should have been more clear.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I voted still let her babysit but not drive.
I think it has to do with your comfort level really and you seem very uncomfortable with your mil driving or being solely responsible for your children on outings.

The incidents you describe are not alarming to me but if you are uncomfortable with her taking your kids places alone then I would just have her babysit at her house or your house instead. Your kids are old enough to handle themselves, know what to do if the smoke alarm goes off or call you if there is a problem they need help with. I don't see how your mil would be unsafe as a babysitter in her home or yours.


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## Chloebeansmom (Jul 16, 2008)

If it's only those two occurences I would still let her babysit. I know things slip my mind on occasion (the anniversary mass for my late grandmother a few weeks ago was one, luckily my mom reminded me in time).
My grandmother forgot me at school once when I was 14, it completely slipped her mind that day. She was just about your MIL's age at the time, but was totally "with it" mentally. She just had a "brain fart" as we like to call it. She wasn't irresponsible or unable to care for us (she also had my 7 and 3 year old cousins in her care at the time), it was ust an off day. IF it had become a pettern of behavior, I'm sure our parents would have had other feelings.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Green Eyes* 
You're the only one who knows what's best for your children and know the entire situation, so you should follow your gut on this.

That said, anybody can forget to pick up their kid, it happens. I never thought I'd forget something like that, and I did last year on a Wednesday (early dismissal day). I just forgot; I was thinking it was a regular day. It was the only time I forgot in five years, I'm a sahm whose family is priority, but it happened.

I wouldn't keep MIL from babysitting just because of this one incident; driving is a totally different matter. I voted that she should still do both solely on what you wrote.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say... right down to forgetting to pick up my kids last year on a Wednesday early dismissal day


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I remember sitting on the steps outside a locked school when I was 13 or so. My mom had forgotten me before she drove the half hour home after work. About 7 in the evening she finally picked me up- AFTER realizing as she set the table that I wasn't there.

She wasn't a bad mom. She simply had a lot going on, and sometimes something slips your mind, even if that isn't related to dementia in any way.


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## BellaRose0212 (Apr 3, 2009)

If it were me in the situation I don't know how I would feel but I have two reactions to your post.

A. The 12 year old is old enough that if something went really wrong, like she started a fire or went to leave without the 6 year old, she could intervene.

B. "A" does not matter because you are uncomfortable with the situation. Your mothering instincts know best. Tell DH that you just cannot be relaxed and comfortable with her watching the kids anymore, even if it is irrational, it is how you feel and nothings going to change it. So, no more babysitting. It's not like she is barred from seeing them.


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

When I was little, my aunt forgot to pick up my sister and I once from daycare, which she normally did every day. She went out to dinner with a friend, a total brain fart - we still tease her about it.

I had a university prof who had a brilliant idea one day at the park, and went home to write it down. Trouble was, his two kids were still at the park...


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

With a 6 and 12 year old, you're dealing with kids who are old enough to look out for themselves to a pretty decent degree -- and the 12 year old should be able to look out for her sibling, too.

I don't know how I'd feel about driving . . . that would depend on what her driving ability was like . . . but I think she'd be ok to take them out otherwise. Maybe give your 12 year old a phone so she can call you if something crazy happens?

I wouldn't leave babies with someone who seemed to be having memory issues, but your kids should be old enough to keep themselves pretty safe.


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## Jeannettea (Apr 2, 2006)

I just wanted to mention that while everyone is suggesting that OP's MIL get her hearing checked and remedied, that may not be feasible especially if MIL is on a very fixed income.

I went w/ my Gramma (82) a few months back to have her hearing checked. She needs hearing aids in both ears. The cost will be close to $5000, and insurance doesn't cover this at ALL.

I wish I could afford to buy them for her, but we just don't make enough. I checked w/ our insurance about having her listed as our dependent, but it doesn't work that way. So we are stuck, and she has no hearing aids. She did pick up a couple of small cheap ones from the store, and while they seem to help some, it's obvious she still needs good ones, and her hearing is probably going to just get worse.

Just thought I should mention the cost of the hearing aids......


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