# How long can DC's of opposite sex share a room?



## thedevinemissm (Apr 9, 2004)

I'm hoping this qualifies as a "nighttime parenting" question...









In our joyous parenting philosophy of "do whatever works until it doesn't work anymore" our DS & DD sleep wherever they want; including, but not limited to, our King, the toddler bed at the end of our bed, and two twin beds pushed together in "their" room. They are only 18mos apart, w/DS being 3 and DD 20mos.

Among the gamet of unsolicited comments we get, our favorites include the phrase "they can't *insert unnapproved topic here* forever". As in: *sleep in your bed*, *breastfeed*, and the latest is *share a room*.

Really, I look at it like we all share a house, and nothing really belongs to any ONE person. However, I am aware that at some point the fact that he is a *HE* and she is a *SHE* will be an issue.

sooooooo, How long have any of your DC's of opposite sex shared a room?


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## ERSsmom (Dec 6, 2004)

I personally think they can share a room as long as you and they are comfortable with it. My younger brother and sister shared a room until my brother was eight or nine and my sister was five. No big deal. IMO. They also slept with my mother until my brother was eleven. Sometimes they slept on the floor and sometimes on the bed. I never even thought anything of them being opposite sex. I guess I think along the lines of, they are brother and sister, why does it matter that one is a girl and one is a boy? Basically, they determined when it was no longer comfortable on their own.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Due to my own personal experiance I would not be comfortable with my dd and ds sharing a room now dd is 5yo and ds is 21mo both are still co sleeping with me and dh tho. There is only one other bedroom in our house so sometime this is gonna become a issue have no idea when since I am not in any hurry for them to leave the family bed.

I will say that there were some major issues between me and my older brother and my younger as well. My older brother is 8yo older and youngest is 2yrs younger than me. I shared a room with my older brother until I was like 2-3yo and with my younger till I was like 7yo. In our situation it was a very bad thing to do.


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## Herausgeber (Apr 29, 2006)

I shared a room with my younger brother and sister until I was 15, sis was 12 and bro was 9. I left for boarding school then. They continued to share a room for 5 more years, until my sister moved out. We had a bunk and a twin when it was the three of us. Just the bunk after I left. When my brother was a preschooler, he usually just slept next to me if he wasn't co-sleeping with our parents.

We didn't have any real problems with this other than being cramped overall. But we were poor so we didn't have much choice. I don't think there's really a hard and fast rule about this; it totally depends on this kids, IMO. Some kids just need their personal space earlier than others, regardless of the gender of their siblings.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

The whole family co-sleeps, but legally dc's of opposite sex are supposed to have their own separate room after 12 months old.







: You can have a 3 bedroom, ie-parents room, girls room and boys room.

It's just stupid.

Co-sleeping is not synonymous with incest. I think that is where the fear comes from.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Well, we are moving next month & in the new house plan 1 bedroom. My kids are 8 & 6 (boys) and 4 & 4MO (girls.) No biggie. We'll change it when they decide they no longer want it this way.


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## ERSsmom (Dec 6, 2004)

Is the law for parents or housing regulations?


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## thedevinemissm (Apr 9, 2004)

MamaInTheBoonies said:


> but legally dc's of opposite sex are supposed to have their own separate room after 12 months old.
> 
> 
> > Legally? *Where* is it illegal???


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thedevinemissm*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaInTheBoonies*
but legally dc's of opposite sex are supposed to have their own separate room after 12 months old.

Legally? *Where* is it illegal???









As far as I know it is not 'illegal', but it is stated in the lease, or if CPS visits, it's in their guidelines.

Use google and type in "child welfare law" and then your state. Like one MDCer stated, "If you don't know your rights, then you have no rights."


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

In CA this law only applies to foster homes.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

oh, and in foster homes opposite sex children under 5 years old can share rooms.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:

In CA this law only applies to foster homes.
How about those on Section 8 or other housing authorities?


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## thedevinemissm (Apr 9, 2004)

Honestly, I am not trying to be dense here. I tried to google (I'm in Texas BTW) and I couldn't find anything...









I knew that was the case for foster/adopting children, someone even told me that your own kids could share a room, but the "fosters" had to be seperated by sex.

This really intrigues me. I asked the question in the "what do you think works" kinds of way ~ not realizing there might be legal implications....







:


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

There was a thread about this awhile back but I cannot find it







I just cant seem to type in the right words to hunt it up. Maybe someone with more search experiance would have better luck.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thedevinemissm*
Honestly, I am not trying to be dense here. I tried to google (I'm in Texas BTW) and I couldn't find anything...









I knew that was the case for foster/adopting children, someone even told me that your own kids could share a room, but the "fosters" had to be seperated by sex.

This really intrigues me. I asked the question in the "what do you think works" kinds of way ~ not realizing there might be legal implications....







:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=487616 Try this thread.


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## wombatclay (Sep 4, 2005)

To the OP...my whole family shared a room (but had seperate sleep surfaces) till I was 9, then bro and I shared a room till I was 12-13 an he was 9. I loved having my own space once he moved into his own room, but I really enjoyed sharing a room. I think it did a lot to build a strong sib relationship...even now people are amazed at how close we are. So I think as long as you and your children are okay with sharing a room it's fine!


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Child_Pr...tive_Services/ Here is the one for Texas.

http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/statu....000261.00.htm Defining neglect of child(ren) in Texas.


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## sarah0404 (May 28, 2006)

Hi, my dd - 6 and my ds - 2 are currently sharing a bed. I can imagine they will probably share for another couple of years at least.

We are living in a local authority house. Where we live there are housing rules (don't think it is the law) that say that children of the opposite sex over 8 years old are not supposed to share a bed room. So if you have a boy and girl over 8 they'd have to put you in a 3 bedroomed house not a 2 bed.

If your children are happy their sleeping arrangements then that's all that matters. FWIW I know of a co-sleeping family where the son 14 and daughter 17 still sleep in the same bed as their mother. They do have their own separate bedrooms though. Just don't sleep in them!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i shared a bed w/bro until around 5 (he was 7), then shared a room until 8 or 9 (he was 10 or 11). then he went next door but the rooms were connected so we opened the door btwn our rooms until i was about 12 or so. we found it hard to fall asleep without hearing each other breathing...so our beds were technically in separate rooms but literally right next to each other, in the doorway.







: i think i closed the door when i started noticing boys with any great interest at 12yo. soon after that he moved to the third floor.


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## thedevinemissm (Apr 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaInTheBoonies*
http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/statutes/docs/FA/content/htm/fa.005.00.000261.00.htm[/URL] Defining neglect of child(ren) in Texas.

Ahhh, yes, I should have known where this was...

*4.b.ii.* is the one that "required" CPS to pay us a visit.







:


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thedevinemissm*
sooooooo, How long have any of your DC's of opposite sex shared a room?

My kids were all in the same room until about a year ago. The oldest had always shared a room and then when we bought our house four years ago our daughter wanted the third room to be her room. She lasted about a month before she wanted back in the room with her brothers. About a year ago she decided she wanted back in her own room, so off she went. She is still in her own room with the occasional sneek into her brother's room.


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## ThatCrazyLady (Jul 7, 2006)

DD1 and DS, 3.75 years apart, moved between family bed and sleeping together all the time until ages 8 and 4. When their dad and I separated, they chose to have one room as a bedroom and one as a playroom rather than separate bedrooms. One would occasionally sleep on the couch or with me for the next couple years, but they mostly slept in the same room, sometimes same bed (twin over double bunk, so they had options).

When DD began sprouting breasts at 11, she wouldn't change in front of her brother but still slept with him most nights. At 12 and almost 9, they set up completely separate sleeping quarters but insisted upon having feline bedsharers. Does the boy cat sleeping with the 15-y.o. girl count?


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## speairson (Jul 25, 2005)

My bro and I are 22 month apart and always had separate rooms. However, we chose to sleep in the same room until I was probably around 9 or 10 and he was around 7 or 8. For some reason it was just more comforting for us to be together.


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## LindseyH (Oct 8, 2005)

I don't have two of the opposite sex, but if I did...I personally wouldn't see a problem in them sharing for years...I would take their lead...if they are entering puberty and want privacy, by all means give them their own room (if possible)

my friend who does have this situation found that when her son was 8 he wanted his little sister (age 3) out of his space, so they had to give him a room to call his own at that period of time...

I think your children will let you know...and if they don't, then I would say puberty is a good time to give them their own privacy.


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## Sarain (Oct 14, 2005)

My son is six months old and he sleeps with me now. I'm willing and interested in co-sleeping/breastfeeding with him until he's 4 or 5. I'm just about to move in with my boyfriend ( not my son's father) and I wonder what I will do? How do co-sleeping couples/parents have SEX? Not with the kids in the bed right!? I'm thinking of having two large beds in one room and sleeping with my baby in one, and then if I want, after baby is sound asleep, going in to my boyfriends bed for some good times...and then back to my baby's bed after.

I personally feel that co-sleeping between family members after puberty is a boundry issue. When and where do people masturbate/have sex, if they are in the same bed everynight? Where do they undress? Do they cuddle in bed or just sleep next to one another? To me brother/sister around the same age ( after puberty) is iffy, but mother/son or father/daughter is very worrisome. If I knew of a 13 year old girl who was sleeping in her fathers bed I would be making a phone call to the police.
I'm sure at least a few other people here feel the same way?


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sarain*
My son is six months old and he sleeps with me now. I'm willing and interested in co-sleeping/breastfeeding with him until he's 4 or 5. I'm just about to move in with my boyfriend ( not my son's father) and I wonder what I will do? How do co-sleeping couples/parents have SEX? Not with the kids in the bed right!? I'm thinking of having two large beds in one room and sleeping with my baby in one, and then if I want, after baby is sound asleep, going in to my boyfriends bed for some good times...and then back to my baby's bed after.

I personally feel that co-sleeping between family members after puberty is a boundry issue. When and where do people masturbate/have sex, if they are in the same bed everynight? Where do they undress? Do they cuddle in bed or just sleep next to one another? To me brother/sister around the same age ( after puberty) is iffy, but mother/son or father/daughter is very worrisome. If I knew of a 13 year old girl who was sleeping in her fathers bed I would be making a phone call to the police.
I'm sure at least a few other people here feel the same way?

Be creative, most co-sleeping couples rarely have sex in bed. There's the livingroom, diningroom, kitchen, bathroom, etc. As far as undressing goes...it's just a body, so do what you're comfortable with. We're a nudy family...and my dh isn't my dd's biological father. When she was about 3 1/2 he was no longer comfortable co-sleeping with her in the nude. So he wore boxer shorts to bed from then on. Now that the kids are both in their own beds he sleeps nude again, but if dd crawls into bed with us in the middle of the night he grabs a pair of boxers off of his nightstand and slips them on.


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## aprilsmapril (Jul 18, 2002)

I was terrified to sleep alone (still am







). I had my "own room" but slept in my younger brother's room on an extra bed (he's 6 years younger) until I was 18







(when i got married - lol - so I STILL didn't have to sleep alone)


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sarain*
snip .... If I knew of a 13 year old girl who was sleeping in her fathers bed I would be making a phone call to the police.
I'm sure at least a few other people here feel the same way?

Sorry, I don't have children or anything ... and while my family was far from AP, the one thing they did was co-sleeping. I was an only child, and while I had my own room from the beginning, I didn't sleep in it full time until age 13 or so. And even afterwards, I sometimes went to my parent's bed just because it was nice to be surrounded by the people who love me most, and the two people who mean the world to me. And, yes, sometimes I just slept with my dad if mom was away (even after puberty). The vice versa of that was true as well. In fact, I probably slept just with my dad more often than both of them due to the nature of my mom's job (she traveled a lot). And it was NEVER weird or uncomfortable. We're also nudists, though after a certain age (forgot when) my dad started wearing boxers to bed. I have great memories from it ... and at age 23, honestly, I still sometimes want to go crawl into their bed. I also can't wait to co-sleep with my children. So, I don't necessarily think that JUST because there is a 13 year old sleeping with her dad this requires police intervention. So many cultures used to sleep together, some still do ... why is it so weird to have that close, comfortable relationship with both parents?


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## Coyote (Dec 30, 2001)

My ds is 7 and dd is 5. They've always shared a room with two separate beds, although for the last 2 months they've been "camping" together on the floor in the middle of the room! (No beds to make







) I've worried about this too though, especially because my mother in law tells me stories about unwitting sexual exploration that may be natural, "but do you really want that to happen", etc. I've decided that I know my kids so well, and they are not 'over-sexed' by exposure to media, etc. like some of the other kids I know, and that they are still truly innocent. They know the rules about 'private parts' and a sibling is not on the list of people who are allowed to touch you there! We have a room that will be one of theirs when one of them wants it, but it's on another floor, and that will make the transition farther down the road I think. I tell my mother in law, (and my own mom), that I am not ignoring the situation, but I'm comfortabkle with it for now. The time will come.
The benefits of sharing a room are wonderful that I see--they don't have a sense of possession with their things that would encourage fighting. They share everything. There are still arguments, but not like I remember with my brother.
So...know your kids, most importantly.


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## MamitadeTian (Jul 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sarain*
My son is six months old and he sleeps with me now. I'm willing and interested in co-sleeping/breastfeeding with him until he's 4 or 5. I'm just about to move in with my boyfriend ( not my son's father) and I wonder what I will do? How do co-sleeping couples/parents have SEX? Not with the kids in the bed right!? I'm thinking of having two large beds in one room and sleeping with my baby in one, and then if I want, after baby is sound asleep, going in to my boyfriends bed for some good times...and then back to my baby's bed after.

I personally feel that co-sleeping between family members after puberty is a boundry issue. When and where do people masturbate/have sex, if they are in the same bed everynight? Where do they undress? Do they cuddle in bed or just sleep next to one another? To me brother/sister around the same age ( after puberty) is iffy, but mother/son or father/daughter is very worrisome. If I knew of a 13 year old girl who was sleeping in her fathers bed I would be making a phone call to the police.
I'm sure at least a few other people here feel the same way?

As far as sex and co-sleeping, I don't feel comfortable having the kids in the same room, even if it is the middle of the night. I think I started feeling that way when they were about 18 months or so. I just think sex is between DH and me, and the kids should not be a part of it, even as witnesses. You got some ideas from another poster about WHERE and HOW to do it. I have to say, whenever DH is home during the day, nap times are our favorite times and we practically have the house to ourselves!

About calling the police, it is so hard to know what is going on... it is good to feel protective of kids, but we should try to figure things out first if we are going to go to the authorities. In their effort to protect, they might do harm. Not that I have my own story about the police. But I do remember sleeping next to my parents as an adolescent, and next to my dad when my mom was traveling. I never thought anything of it.


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## Lovin' It (Jun 7, 2006)

My dp and I feel that the whole house is for everyone to share. I hope our dd and any future dc will agree.

My brother (4.5 yrs older) and I shared a room from when I was 8-13 yo due to financial reasons. He moved out when he was 17 and that ended that. We never had any problems other than that I had/have sleep issues and would keep him up talking. He was a very patient, good-listening big brother. I don't remember seeing him change or any feelings about changing or whether I changed in front of him. I guess it was a non-issue however we worked that out.


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## ju-cee (May 31, 2004)

I believe in CT they cannot share a room after the age of 5

this came up b/c my SIL has boy/girl twins and they were moving
to a smaller place....


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Sarain wrote:

Quote:

How do co-sleeping couples/parents have SEX?
We have the family bed in EnviroBaby's room and our original bed (where we slept before he was born) in our master bedroom. I do most of my SLEEPING with EnviroBaby, but after he's down for the night I often visit the master bedroom, for sex or just to hang out with EnviroDaddy, who mostly sleeps in there. I highly recommend this approach if you can afford two bedrooms. Another benefit is that when we're ready to stop co-sleeping, EnviroBaby won't have to get used to that AND sleeping in a different room; he'll just stay in the same room and bed where he's been since birth, while I move back to my old bed.

Quote:

When and where do people masturbate/have sex, if they are in the same bed everynight? Where do they undress? Do they cuddle in bed or just sleep next to one another?
I shared a room with my brother at home only until I was 9 and he was 7, but we continued to share a room (twin beds) at our grandparents' house every summer and sometimes shared a double bed on vacations, and just a few years ago I visited him for a week when he was living in a one-room apartment. I would masturbate during the day when I knew he was out for a while or in some other place. We had a rule that if the door was closed, we'd knock, so that allowed for some privacy in the room. If one of us was in the room already, the other would change clothes in the bathroom. When we shared a bed, we just slept next to one another.

Quote:

If I knew of a 13 year old girl who was sleeping in her fathers bed I would be making a phone call to the police.








Please don't do that unless there is some other reason to suspect sexual abuse.

Coyote wrote:

Quote:

my mother in law tells me stories about unwitting sexual exploration that may be natural, "but do you really want that to happen", etc. I've decided that I know my kids so well, and they are not 'over-sexed' by exposure to media, etc. like some of the other kids I know, and that they are still truly innocent.
Even if they aren't "innocent", they probably aren't sexually interested in their sibling. I was very curious about sex from an early age and did some exploring with my friends, but it never occurred to me to try any sexual contact with my brother because, eww, he was my brother!







I was deeply shocked when I first heard of sibling incest as a teenager.


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## ERSsmom (Dec 6, 2004)

Very well said!


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## supermuma (Dec 12, 2005)

My dd (7) and ds (5) still share a room, but they have their own defined spaces and it is a very large room. I am beginning to think that my dd would rather be by herself and so we are looking in to switching things around so they can each have their own rooms.

I would let them share as long as it felt okay, and only now has it felt like they need to be in their own rooms. I think they need to move due to personality differences mostly, dd is very quiet and likes to sleep in...ds is exactly the opposite and always wakes dd up! I am hoping it might be easier to keep him out, if she was in her own room.

Also, I think that she really just needs her alone time, she gets really cranky and kind of sad without it. I am hoping it would be easier for her to get it in her own room as well.


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## JoGoLemon (Jun 20, 2006)

i agree with do what works. i have a 9 yr. old boy, sharing room with 7yr. old girl & 2 yr. old boy. i have made sure eveyone feels they have personal rights and they have worked out the changing thing on their own (someones always yelling across the house asking to be able to change in mamma and daddy's room) they say when we move into the house we are building they would like to have a girl room and a boy room. for now we have a 2 bedroom. they will let you know when they don't like it anymore.


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## bauchtanz (Nov 15, 2005)

My brother and I shared a ROOM, but we did not share a BED. We had bunk beds. Worked great. I think that stopped when we were like 10 and 12 and moved.
Otherwise we co-slept with our grandmother with her in the middle.

I do think it i would have been disturbing for us to share a bed.


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## Hippiemommie (Jul 3, 2005)

Uhhh, people all around the world not only sleep in the same room but also in the same bed or mat. It isn't uncommon and doesn't have a set of problems that I'm aware of. My brother and I slept in the same bed sometimes (depending on how cold it was) and always in the same room till I was age 12 and he was 9. Then we got seperate rooms just because we finally got our own home. At some points we shared a bed, the whole family, because our house burnt down.


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## pjlioness (Nov 29, 2001)

My neighbors have a boy and a girl that are two years apart in age (the boy will be graduation HS at the end of the coming school year, and the girl just finished her first year of college) and an 8yo boy. The older two shared a room until the girl moved out at the beginning of the last school year.

I'd say let them decide.


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