# Call me ungrateful



## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

My in-laws are a little strange but harmless. They love my kids dearly, but most of the times they see the girls it's because I need them to watch them. Or if I don't need them to watch them, they either suggest that they come over so "you guys can go run errands" or they want the girls to come over to their house. Their house isn't too far, but it's still an almost half hour drive. She's been asking since they were less than a year old to let them stay the night. I've talked her out of buying cribs and baby beds and all sorts of furniture she thinks she "needs" to have for the once or twice a month that they actually invite us over. I have let the girls stay over on occasion, out of convience and neccesity, not because I thought, "Hey, I don't want my one year old twins bugging me tonight so I'm going to send them to Grandma's!"

She also buys a ridiculous amount of clothes for them. She always buys them on clearance, but this last batch of clothing she gave us for their birthday I totaled up to be around $300 (she leaves the tags on), on top of all the other toys they got them. They out-do us at Christmas too.

My mom, OTOH, has always wanted to come over here, even when I suggest that she could take the girls to her house. "All their stuff is there, and they're more comfortable at home." I think my mom feels like she doesn't "give" enough to the girls when she sees what my MIL buys for them, but my mom gives them the most time and that's what's most important to me.

So today I let my IL's take the girls all day so I could get stuff done around the house. Of course she has all sorts of toys out there, but today they went and bought MOTORIZED CARS for them. WTF?? I'm sorry but this just floors me. Who spends that amount of money on toys that the kids don't even take home with them?

I know I'm ranting, I just don't understand what the big draw is for her to have them at her house all the time, or why they have to buy big expensive toys. It's not like my IL's and I don't get along; we do.

So call me ungrateful, but while they were trying to impress me with the fact they'd bought them cars (which, BTW, my parents had got them the cozy coupe for their B-day and it was a big hit) I just said, "Wow, you girls won't even want to play with the toys you have at home anymore!"









And I don't like the clothes she buys. They're ugly, but she buys so many that I can't justify buying ones I actually like. I'm being ungrateful. And if you actually read to the bottom of this then you're a better person than I!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

You know, if she leaves the tags on the clothes, you can return them for ones you like. I give you permission.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

This is an ongoing thing here too, sorta. DS has 2 sets of Grandparents (my parents and his bio-fathers' parents). His bio-father's parents are mostly out of the picture so... whatever (his bio-father is mostly out of the picture too). My parents love ds to death but do not spoil him. They get him gifts for birthday/Christmas and it's never a lot (I have the added benefit, now, of saying if it doesn't fit in the car it doesn't come with us since we live 2 states away!). It's usually a couple toys/books/clothes for each occaision, from each grandparent. A good amount, I think. My dad might get him a random thing here and there too when we visit.

DP's parents, however, go WAY overboard. This last Christmas was their first Christmas with "grandchildren" (it was our first christmas together and dp's brother also got married last summer to a woman with a child so dp's parents, essentially, got 2 grandchildren last year). Anyway, we live near them (like 5 minutes away). I understand DP's mom was excited. But goodness gracious she went way to far overboard! It was a bit of a sore spot for dp and I. I didn't feel dp's parents should have gotten that much for ds. DP wanted me to let it go. When all was said and done they had maybe 8 wrapped gifts for him and then a huge bag of unwrapped gifts. It was bad. But, I didn't say a word to dp's parents. I asked dp to make it clear that the majority of things would be staying at their house, not coming back to ours. And, for the most part, it did. That will be our rule from now on. Gifts that they buy him, stay at their house (exception is clothing, but that's because they don't keep him overnight so it doesn't make sense for perfectly good clothes to sit unused while he outgrows them).

As far as clothes go.... DP's mom can buy DS clothes anytime she wants to and I won't complain. Honestly? It doesn't bug me because I know how much ds goes through clothes and it keeps me from having to spend money on it







She did end up buying him a "christmas outfit", which I just laughed at because we had already bought him *2* christmas outfits... what did he need a 3rd for?!? But, whatever, her money.

Anyway, my take on it? Make a hard rule that what she buys stays at her house. Period. And feel no guilt about it. If you need to make a rule about clothing then say something like "dd's closets are overflowing. In the future we would appreciate it if you only bought them *x* amount of outfits". Anything over that amount stays at her house.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Or.....

"Wow MIL, your generosity is just so overwhelming, I couldn't possibly be so selfish as to keep all of these things for the children. Since they have more than they could possibly wear I donated the rest to the local DV shelter"










Ok I realize it'll never be said, but just enjoy the thought LOL
Bellevuemama


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

It seems like they just have a really different way of saying "I love you guys" and "I think about you a lot". It doesn't make it less irritating that you're not feeling it or that you have all the stuff around, but it does sound like they're trying. If it makes you feel better, you probably drive them a little nutty in return...but I wouldn't say you're "ungrateful".


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Call you ungrateful? Yeah, maybe. They are their grandparents, and probably for them they feel that they have the right to spoil their grandchildren. So what if they "out do" you? They probably aren't even thinking about that. My grandparents were always the ones to buy us all sorts of things and it was such a treat and they had so much fun doing it. You can turn this into a positive thing. Have you come out and asked them why they don't seem to want to come to your place? Maybe there is a reason that is not obvious. (you never know what people are thinking). I am having a baby, and my MIL wants to have everything. Every time she sees a baby with something that we don't have yet, she'll say "we need that!" and she will sometimes go and get it. I don't necessarily have to use it, but I know that she just wants her grandchildren to have the best of everything, and I don't see anything wrong with that. If I were you, I would graciously accept her generosity, and donate anything that you don't want to use, like the ugly clothes that you don't like. Don't sweat the small stuff.


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## comfybuns (Apr 19, 2006)

Seriously? You are annoyed because your in-laws WANT to spend time with your children and enjoy buying them stuff. OK, I will say it--You are ungrateful.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I have twins too and 2 very loving sets of grandparents. My MIL is more down to earth and only buys the girls little things and doesnt go overboard on their birthday, etc. My mom on the other hand, always shows up with something for them. Books, clothes, toys, etc. I dont mind at all. If that makes her happy to spoil her only grandbabies like that, then let her have fun. My parents live 20 mins away, and we try to go there every weekend so the girls get out and they get to spend time with my parents. (this doesnt include the 3 days a week my mom comes over to my house)They have spent the nite with my parents twice. They have never and probably will never (for a few more years) stay with my MIL. She panicks easily and freaks out at everything and having 2, 2 year olds, I can only imagine the crazy calls I would get.

IMHO, yes you are being ungrateful. Let her spoil your kids with whatever they want. If you dont like the clothes and the tags are still on them, take them back or give them to a baby consignment shop.

Grandparents are precious things in a child's life. I grew up with none, my grandmother on my mom's side is still alive but she has over 40 grandkids, I was just another face among the crowd. My dad's dad died before I was born, his mom died when I was just 8, and my mom's dad died before I was born too. So I make it a point to let both sides of grandparents spend as much time as they want with my kids. I think it is such a special, wonderful thing for my kids get to enjoy and it is priceless for the grandparents.

Just let it go.....


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I might stem the tide a bit by asking if they mind helping us with storage for the toys. Then suggest a need for a professional organizer to come help you, because you are starting to get overwhelmed with what to do with it all.

Other than that, I would also let it go. Quietly pass along some of the stuff to other people you know of who can use the stuff.


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

They are using "stuff" in place of love, my parents do it all the time because they are unable to show normal affection. When I read the OP I thought "It's my mom!!" I can really identify with everything in that post! Well, anyway, if I don't like it I send it to Goodwill or exchange it at WM (it all comes from WM) for something useful. My mom also has that wierd thing of wanting me to drop the kids at her house all the time. I think it's because she wants to see them but has no interest in ever seeing me. (We only see each other like once a month at the most.)


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I disagree that they are giving stuff in place of love--because I am sure they love their grandkids very much. They are just different than your mom. Just as we as parents can't compare our kids (one is neat and helpful, the other messy and defiant) with each other and expect to come out equal, the same goes for grandparents. Everyone does their own brand of grandparenting, and for your IL's they like to do it at their house. For them maybe having them come to Grandma's house and having lots of toys their is just part of what they picture to be the best way for them to do it.

My parents are of the showering them with stuff mindset, but at the same time they were always frugal with me and my brother. I think they just want to give my kids all they can, and I know now that my dad is retired he has a lot of fun shopping for them as a way to connect with them. I know many people would look down on that, but it is how it is, and my parents love my kids so much. On the other hand, my MIL hardly ever buys them anything, but also shows them lots of love. Both are fine with both my kids and me. Different strokes and all that.

I really think you need to work on being more grateful, because you have what many people would LOVE to have. As far as your children never wanting to play with their toys at home and you feeling







about it--that is just silly. Their home will always trump Grandma's house--it is their home. But it is fine for them to have some big toys at Grandma's to use when there. Kids are really not about the toys, anyway--we all know that. It sounds like your MIL and FIL are trying to make a fun place for them to come to, and jumping through every hoop to do that. Give them a little credit for trying at least, and realize that no one is perfect--including grandparents.


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## Absinthia (Mar 18, 2008)

Well yes, I find that ungrateful.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I get your drift. I don't think your rant is ungrateful. I'm gonna read between the lines a little:
Your MIL may be a little overbearing, suggested by the fact that she has been asking you to leave your babies over night. And you are probably feeling overwhelmed with the amount of baby stuff (x2) entering the house.

And it's no fun being outdone at Christmas. I thoughtfully picked out ds's first train set last Christmas and was so excited about it, a small Brio set we would add to every holiday. It was his only gift for Christmas morning. IL's knew this, but went out and bought a 200+ piece set, and were planning on giving it to him on Christmas Eve. I was so sad. Dh told them to take it back.

So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the problem is not that your ungrateful; rather the problem is the dynamic between you and your MIL. And for that, I sympathize.

Or I'm completely wrong and you are totally ungrateful


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## Tilia (Nov 18, 2006)

My XMIL is the same way. She used to buy too much but we would never hear from her and saw her every couple of months. Then my XH left me. She still buys too much. Only now she doesn't let it come home with DD. She has clothes and toys at her house to use when DD visits with her dad, which isn't often. I am glad she keeps the clothes there, especially if it helps her feel involved or whatever. However, she makes no effort to contact us. I have to initiate communication and visits. It's backwards.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

And FWIW, I routinely receive at least two bags worth of dollar-store items, yard sale items, or just misc stuff from MIL's garage that she thinks I need. Because, really, don't we all need a ceramic bust of a man holding a baby?

I find the best way to handle it is a smile, a thank-you, and then conduct a redistribution of the material later on. People may think that is dishonest, but I think it is the most tactful way to handle it, b/c it's not worth a family war.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I agree - you are ungrateful.

My parents joke it's a grandparent's right to spoil their grandkids ... and since my kiddo is the one and only, he's spoiled ROTTEN by them. But you know what? I think it's really sweet. They love him so very much and deeply enjoy getting him new toys and clothing. I never once thought about them "out doing" me .. who cares?! Alex is going over there to spend two nights this week while he's on spring break .. he's super close with my parents and I would not have it any other way.

I'd relax and be happy you have in-laws who love and want to spend time and spoil their grandkids. Trust me, there are much worse things out there.


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I get your drift. I don't think your rant is ungrateful. I'm gonna read between the lines a little:
Your MIL may be a little overbearing, suggested by the fact that she has been asking you to leave your babies over night. And you are probably feeling overwhelmed with the amount of baby stuff (x2) entering the house.

And it's no fun being outdone at Christmas. I thoughtfully picked out ds's first train set last Christmas and was so excited about it, a small Brio set we would add to every holiday. It was his only gift for Christmas morning. IL's knew this, but went out and bought a 200+ piece set, and were planning on giving it to him on Christmas Eve. I was so sad. Dh told them to take it back.

So, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that the problem is not that your ungrateful; rather the problem is the dynamic between you and your MIL. And for that, I sympathize.

Or I'm completely wrong and you are totally ungrateful









Okay you said it way better than I did above, this is also what I think. What I see is that the love is missing from the relationship. There are a lot of people posting here saying "but they love the grandkids so much" but from what I'm seeing in the OP, no they really don't love the grandkids they just like showing off, that's the vibe I'm getting.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
I agree - you are ungrateful.

My parents joke it's a grandparent's right to spoil their grandkids ... and since my kiddo is the one and only, he's spoiled ROTTEN by them. But you know what? I think it's really sweet. They love him so very much and deeply enjoy getting him new toys and clothing. I never once thought about them "out doing" me .. who cares?! Alex is going over there to spend two nights this week while he's on spring break .. he's super close with my parents and I would not have it any other way.

I'd relax and be happy you have in-laws who love and want to spend time and spoil their grandkids. Trust me, there are much worse things out there.










I agree with your last sentence for sure. But sometimes situations cause feelings in us that we cannot help. And, for me, the history with the person and how I feel they've treated me in the past does play a role in my feelings, irrational as thay may be. Sometimes it's hard to just be happy about certain situations, even though there are much worse things out there.

I actively work on being more grateful that my IL's are a part of ds' life. Sometimes, honestly, it's hard. It's hard because of the drama, because of the passive-aggressive comments, and because of all that smoking. And it's hard not to feel undermined, when they are perfectly aware of how I feel about certain things, but joyfully tell me "wait until you see what we got dg, you're really gonna hate us for this one!!"

But ds loves them and they are trying to bring him joy, and I work on accepting that. I still might need to come here and rant sometimes, and I hope I'm not viewed as ungrateful for it


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## comfybuns (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Okay you said it way better than I did above, this is also what I think. What I see is that the love is missing from the relationship. There are a lot of people posting here saying "but they love the grandkids so much" but from what I'm seeing in the OP, no they really don't love the grandkids they just like showing off, that's the vibe I'm getting.

I don't get this at all. I see that they want to spend time with their grandchildren and the mom can't understand why they would always want to spend time with them.
The gift giving is in addition to spending time with them, not a replacement.
My parents spend a lot of money on my kids because they are in a position to do so and were not in that position when I was younger. They have told me before that they are glad that they are able to do for my children what they could not do for my brother and myself.
It sounds to me that their are other issues (jealousy) between the mom and in-laws. Her parents are _so_ good and his are not.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I posted above but wanted to add something else. As far as being 'out done', I can relate to that. My mom is like that. This past xmas, dh and I decided to buy the girls a kitchen. I told my mom our plans and the very next day, shows up with a HUGE kitchen for the girls for xmas..I was so







That was something that WE wanted to get them. I didnt say anything and just let it slide, even though it still bothers me. For their birthday, we got them an outdoor swingset (the big ones with the house, etc) It is $399 on sale, so I asked if my ILs and my parents wanted to chip in on it. They agreed, my MIL gave me $50, my dh's grandparents (that live out of state) gave $100, and my mom gave $200..so that means dh and I only get to spend $50...so yeh, that irritates me too. Again, I didnt say anything, but what I did was split her money and put $50 in each of the girls saving plan and then the other $100 on the swing set....Sometimes you have to get creative







:

I guess my point is, my mom is not doing it to be mean, she means well...I know it comes from her heart and I just learn to keep my mouth shut, be grateful and smile


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Well I can certainly see if there are other things going on with your relationship with the in-laws.

From what you posted I see grandparents that want to spend time with their grandkids often, and enjoy buying for them. Sure, you don't want your 1 year old going to spend the night .. but I do still think it's sweet that they want to do it.

I would try my best to not resent them. As your kids age, having the option to leave them with loving, caring grandparents is simply awesome. I really enjoy the fact that I can leave Alex without guilt, knowing he's having a great time, is well cared for, and is growing a wonderful relationship with my Mom and Dad.









I hope I didn't come across as bitchy .. MDC is a great place to vent about all kinds of things. You just asked if you were being ungrateful, and I answered that yes, in my eyes, you are. But there could be more here than meets the eye and I certainly didn't mean to sound mean.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
Well I can certainly see if there are other things going on with your relationship with the in-laws.

From what you posted I see grandparents that want to spend time with their grandkids often, and enjoy buying for them. Sure, you don't want your 1 year old going to spend the night .. but I do still think it's sweet that they want to do it.

I would try my best to not resent them. As your kids age, having the option to leave them with loving, caring grandparents is simply awesome. I really enjoy the fact that I can leave Alex without guilt, knowing he's having a great time, is well cared for, and is growing a wonderful relationship with my Mom and Dad.









I hope I didn't come across as bitchy .. MDC is a great place to vent about all kinds of things. You just asked if you were being ungrateful, and I answered that yes, in my eyes, you are. But there could be more here than meets the eye and I certainly didn't mean to sound mean.

Well, I'm not the OP, but I don't think you sound mean. I was just trying to present another side to it. I struggle with some of the same issues the OP posted about. On the surface, it looks like I have nothing to complain about. But the constant influx of stuff can cause stress.

I also have a very introverted disposition, and can get overwhelmed or stressed very easily. It's not always fair to the people around me.

We got the latest two bags of dollar store crapola this weekend, and I've had to get ds through two meltdowns when the items broke







Off to the landfill it goes I guess.......


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *comfybuns* 
Seriously? You are annoyed because your in-laws WANT to spend time with your children and enjoy buying them stuff. OK, I will say it--You are ungrateful.

Well, sort of. They want to spend time with them, but only when I'm not around. If I don't need them to "babysit" then there's a lot of weeks where they just don't see the girls. I know that's more than some grandparents do and I'm not trying to complain about that. And it seems to me that they want to buy them things to show them they love them. It's like a big show. A competition - if they buy them enough things then they win.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

It's okay - I don't mind the more negative posts. I really wouldn't even call them negative because I know I'm getting bent out of shape over silly things sometimes, but it's still what I feel and I'm not going to apologize for it.

And there's only so much I can post without going on and on forever, there are other things that make me go, "Hmmm?" While they do see the girls probably once a week, they really don't *know* them all that well. I feel alot of time too that they almost ignore my nephew, and she has said before that she's never going to be able to buy him the same amount of things she's bought the girls.

And the motorized car thing - dh was upset because he'd been talking about buying them for the girls next year. He said he wanted to see their faces when they rode them for the first time







And honestly they're a little too young for those cars right now anyway, that was a decision we'd both come to whenever we talked about buying them before.

And really - - who lets their small children (less than two?) stay the night with grandparents just because? It's not something I'm comfortable with. It's probably more of a first-time mom thing, but I just don't see the draw.


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## Tilia (Nov 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendyjoe* 
And really - - who lets their small children (less than two?) stay the night with grandparents just because? It's not something I'm comfortable with. It's probably more of a first-time mom thing, but I just don't see the draw.


Yeah, I don't get that either.


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## secondtimearound (Mar 19, 2008)

Wow I think we have the same in-law's. I could have wrote this 17 years ago.

From my own experience this will only get worse. My in-laws always went overboard. And when it came to babysitting it was done ONLY at their home. They wanted to be the parent and not the grandparents. And at their home they were in control.

At I first I thought they were being nice, but that was not the case. They would always have to one up us. And now I have a 17 and 16 year old who think their parent's are the worst meanest people in the world because we will not let the grandparents buy them a car. My in-laws went and told the kids they would buy them a car without saying a word to my husband or I. I only found out about the car shopping from my son. We spoke to the grandparents about this and told them that we wanted the kids to earn it ex. maintain good grades and get a part time job. Needless to say this has cause alot of problems. Anytime the kids want something and we say no they ask the in-laws. And of course they go out and get it. "It's their right as a grandparent."

With my in-law's it's about control. I bought you this so now you owe me. It's been this way since the kids were little. Most people agree the grandparents right to "spoil" the grandkids and so do I. But there is "spoil" and there is "SPOIL". And if you the parent feel it's to much try to put stop to this now while your children are still little. I tried when they were young, but at the time my husband was not on board with me. Now he is and it's a little to late.

It may seem innocent enough now, but just wait till they bring home a cellphone from the sleep over at the grandparents.

By the way when my kids were little 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 yrs old the in-laws went and bought them a riding motorized car after I expressed concern that they were to young to get one in the first place. It was something I wanted to buy them when they got older. The 2 1/2 yr old flipped it and ended up breaking his arm.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Much to think about. When the girls were in the NICU I had a hard time keeping my MIL from constantly opening and closing the isolette doors and touching them. Certainly preemies need touch but there is a limit to what they can handle.

I've always felt that it's a control thing with her. I forgot to mention that they got the girls a horse. Supposedly it was a free horse, but no horse is free (maintenence).

I don't know how to graciously, tactfully put a stop to it.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angie7* 
For their birthday, we got them an outdoor swingset (the big ones with the house, etc) It is $399 on sale, so I asked if my ILs and my parents wanted to chip in on it. They agreed, my MIL gave me $50, my dh's grandparents (that live out of state) gave $100, and my mom gave $200..so that means dh and I only get to spend $50...so yeh, that irritates me too. Again, I didnt say anything, but what I did was split her money and put $50 in each of the girls saving plan and then the other $100 on the swing set....Sometimes you have to get creative







:


I gotta say I just don't get this - you asked if they wanted to donate to a swing set and then you get irritated that your mom gave too much? How is this a bad thing? Unless you specifically said that they were only to chip in a specific amount and she chose to go above and beyond that amount then you have no right to be irritated.

Sometines when a grandparent likes to lavish their grandbabies with gifts it just means they love them and not that they are trying to bribe them or buy their love.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *secondtimearound* 

With my in-law's it's about control. I bought you this so now you owe me. It's been this way since the kids were little.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I just read the OP's post again, and I realize the the grandparents seem to want the kids to themselves rather than be willing to visit with the family.

I'm all for grandparent/grandchild bonding but it gets hard when there are control issues.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Nak, but I get you 100%. We have similar issues here as well. The gifts, the wanting 'alone time' with dd, the stealing the show at Christmas and Birthdays. And for us at least, it IS that the IL's (mainly MIL) has the need to show off, be the center of attention, ect. She is extremely controlling and manipulative, and the gifts are just an extension of that. And I'll agree with whoever said it was not an ungrateful issue but rather a relationship issue between you and MIL. I dont know what to tell you, yes there are worse things, but this is really annoying, I know.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I gotta say I just don't get this - you asked if they wanted to donate to a swing set and then you get irritated that your mom gave too much? How is this a bad thing? Unless you specifically said that they were only to chip in a specific amount and she chose to go above and beyond that amount then you have no right to be irritated.

Sometines when a grandparent likes to lavish their grandbabies with gifts it just means they love them and not that they are trying to bribe them or buy their love.

When I first mentioned it, I just said like $50-$100. There wasnt a 'specific' amount, but not half of what it was worth (yes, she knew which one we were buying and how much it cost before she gave her $)


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

ya know . . . its just a weird thing people need having the kids on their turf. its like it gives them a seperate relationship with the girls outside of you or something. i don't know. it goes along with wanting to be alone with them.

As for the stuff. . . feel free to return if the tags are on or take to resale (I am guessing if it is all clearance she has probably been stocking up for a while and some of it may be unreturnable) and get what you want. try not to worry abuot what is at grandmas huose. if she wants to waste all that money let her.


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## Missinnyc (Aug 21, 2003)

I think the expression you're looking for is "thank you."


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Two things stand out to me. First, don't talk about what you're getting the kids. Seriously. We've learned this lesson. We just make our plans and don't tell anyone because for DS' first 2 Christmases, one set of gp or the other went out and got what we said we were getting. So, we just make our plans, and if they happen to get duplicates, we return them. It makes for a lot less stress.

Second, my son absolutely loves a riding toy at my ILs that my MIL got for $5 at a yard sale. He likes it because it's his "bike at Grandpa's," not because it's big and shiny. It's not. He has nicer riding toys at home, but he doesn't see this one everyday. I wouldn't worry that their buying toys for their home (as I understand it, the toys are staying at their house) for the girls. As an adult, you see the price tags, but that doesn't matter to the kids.

Hoopin, what is it with the Dollar Tree stuff? My MIL does this, too. She will bring tons of stuff or bring her old stuff "because I was going to get rid of it." Yes, I need a Christmas tree with little lights, half of which are broken. Or a vase. Or 15 vases. I look through it and keep anything I like. If DH gets to it first, he gets rid of the whole bag.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

I don't think that you're being ungrateful.

I've been down this road many, many times with my mom. She means well, but I've had to talk with her repeatedly. I can't spend my time day in and day out managing the mounds of clothing and the mounds of toys. When we knew we were moving, I spent months culling everything (90% of which she had purchased) -- selling it, giving it away, throwing it out. It was hard on many levels. I appreciate her intentions, but it's not being ungrateful to ask family members and friends to respect your values, your space, your time, and your needs by not overloading you and your children with *things* that you didn't ask for.


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

I haven't had any contact with my relatives, who wouldn't knock this kind of thing off, for more than a year. Obviously there were other issues, but one of the things that made it really clear that none of those more serious issues were ever going to clear up was the continued refusal to respect my boundaries around giftgiving.

I am sure they think I am horrendously ungrateful. I am SO GRATEFUL to not have the stress in my life anymore. It's worth losing the free childcare.

People who have never dealt with this kind of thing hear "lots of presents" and "wants to spend time with the children" and they just refuse to hear the emotional content. And I think that's exactly why controlling people pull this stuff - they know perfectly well they are in a nearly unassailable position from which they can mess with you, because they've built up years of an image of being generous and caring, and when you try to get validation and support for the icky and toxic parts of the relationship, no one will believe you and they try to make you feel like the ungrateful problem.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

wow














ell said


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *urklemama* 
People who have never dealt with this kind of thing hear "lots of presents" and "wants to spend time with the children" and they just refuse to hear the emotional content. And I think that's exactly why controlling people pull this stuff - they know perfectly well they are in a nearly unassailable position from which they can mess with you, because they've built up years of an image of being generous and caring, and when you try to get validation and support for the icky and toxic parts of the relationship, no one will believe you and they try to make you feel like the ungrateful problem.

Thanks for that. Well said. We're thinking about moving (not just because of this) and I really wonder if moving a couple of states away will make it any better. Or it might possibly make it worse. Either way I'm going to have to work on setting boundaries. I think they'll work with me, at least for a little while. They did actually ask me at Christmas time if they could get the girls a video-game system (Um, no thanks) so I'm thinking that's why they didn't breathe a word to me about the motorized cars. They knew I'd probably say no.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I can understand how the dynamic feels awkward and frustrating to you and I definitely feel your need to vent. I don't have kids yet, but I feel my parents spend too much on gifts for me, DH and my siblings for Christmas. My mom does get us a lot of great stuff, but sometimes it is just too much stuff overload and I know about half will go to goodwill pretty quickly because I just have no need/want for the stuff. So I do try to gently suggest that they don't have to buy us so much if they don't want to and when we have gone on trips with them that they payed for I also gently suggest they spend less for Christmas, but that is as far as I go. It is their money and they aren't overspending themselves (which I would try to gently bring up if they were), so I don't feel I can do much more beyond give my mom a big Christmas list (which she asks for) so I minimize my guilt since I will be taking fewer things to goodwill. Also, in my parents' case, it isn't stuff to replace love, it is more that we didn't have much money when we were kids and they want to spend money on us now that they can while they are with us.

Also, my ILs do feel a bit uncomfortable because they don't get us a ton of stuff and can't afford to. I love what they get us and I am glad we aren't being overwhelmed by stuff from them too, but I know they feel a bit bad about it sometimes.

So, I guess I just wanted to lay out my similar example and say I sympathize, but beyond a few gentle suggestions every so often, I find it best to take things and be grateful and try not to feel guilty if I give some of it to friends/goodwill.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 

Hoopin, what is it with the Dollar Tree stuff? My MIL does this, too. She will bring tons of stuff or bring her old stuff "because I was going to get rid of it." Yes, I need a Christmas tree with little lights, half of which are broken. Or a vase. Or 15 vases. I look through it and keep anything I like. If DH gets to it first, he gets rid of the whole bag.

The woman has a three-car garage filled with things. No cars fit in there. I'm onto her. This is her slow way of cleaning out her garage.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendyjoe* 
I just don't understand what the big draw is for her to have them at her house all the time, or why they have to buy big expensive toys.

Really?

You *really* don't understand why your babies' grandparents want to have them at their house all the time? I mean, I know you are just ranting and whatever, but it sounds to me like you have had this running dialog with yourself about just not "getting it" when it comes to your in-laws with regard to their grandkids, and sometimes we have to work hard to keep those inner-voices in check.

Of *course* your in-laws want to have their grandkids around them often. They are their grandkids. Grandparents are notorious for wanting to spoil their grandchildren...usually it's because they have the means now to do for their grandkids what they couldn't for their own kids.

I don't know, it sounds to me like you're feeling like they are attacking your personal ability to provide for your kids (hence the comment about the girls not wanting to play with the toys they have at home), and I highly doubt that is the case at all.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

My mom gives my DD's A LOT of stuff, it's not that I'm not ungrateful, but that I'm not careful, we will be drowning in crap. It is always something to deal with, yeah you can return it, donate it, etc... but it is just something else to add to the list of things to do. My gentle suggestions that we really don't need more stuff, gets ignored so i gave up a number of years go. Now I keep what we can use and donate the rest, I always have a pile in the garage to get rid of and last year when my LLL had a garage sale, I think the sale was 99% of my stuff.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjanelles* 
Really?

You *really* don't understand why your babies' grandparents want to have them at their house all the time? I mean, I know you are just ranting and whatever, but it sounds to me like you have had this running dialog with yourself about just not "getting it" when it comes to your in-laws with regard to their grandkids, and sometimes we have to work hard to keep those inner-voices in check.

Of *course* your in-laws want to have their grandkids around them often. They are their grandkids. Grandparents are notorious for wanting to spoil their grandchildren...usually it's because they have the means now to do for their grandkids what they couldn't for their own kids.

I don't know, it sounds to me like you're feeling like they are attacking your personal ability to provide for your kids (hence the comment about the girls not wanting to play with the toys they have at home), and I highly doubt that is the case at all.


Despite what grandparents may *WANT* it can be highly stressful for a mother practicing attachment parenting to be asked often for the sleep-over visits.
And the grandparents wants do not trump the standards that Mom is trying to set in her own home with her children. (By standards I am referring to tryong to avoid consumerism, commercialism, happy meals, etc.).

Maybe my view is intolerant. The grandparents should be able to enjoy the kids, but certainly not to the point where it distresses Mom.

I think keeping toys at grandma's house is a phenomenal idea. I guess clothes would be harder to keep there.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjanelles* 
Really?

You *really* don't understand why your babies' grandparents want to have them at their house all the time?

To the point where they don't see them otherwise? Where they don't come over here to see them unless DH and I are gone? Does everyone else's grandparents act the same way?

I don't know. I have my own control issues I guess.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I can really understand why grandparents don't want the kids parents around. it creates an environment where grandparents can't be themselves and relax with the kids and have their kind of fun with them. perhaps your MIL thinks you are critical or controlling or judgmental. and that is perhaps why she doesn't want you hovering when she is trying to define her relationship with the girls. it soudns like everyone is contributing to this power play.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendyjoe* 
To the point where they don't see them otherwise? Where they don't come over here to see them unless DH and I are gone? Does everyone else's grandparents act the same way?

I don't know. I have my own control issues I guess.

See, I just think that's a bit strange. Do they visit you and Dh otherwise? I can totally understand them wanting to have *some* time alone with the grandchildren, but wanting it to be that way *every* time would be strange.

And I would be seriously annoyed if my mom or Dh's parents never wanted to visit us, but only the kids.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angie7* 
For their birthday, we got them an outdoor swingset (the big ones with the house, etc) It is $399 on sale, so I asked if my ILs and my parents wanted to chip in on it. They agreed, my MIL gave me $50, my dh's grandparents (that live out of state) gave $100, and my mom gave $200..so that means dh and I only get to spend $50...so yeh, that irritates me too.

I don't get this. You wanted to buy the kids a swingset that was from you, grandparents and great grandparents, right? And your mom chipped in more than you expected/wanted/asked for? And you're upset that you ONLY got to spend $50 of your money? Seriously? Did you put signs and dividers on the swingset telling the kids which section each person bought? If not then why does it matter? The kids don't understand the concept of money or who chipped in however much amount. It doesn't matter to them and they wouldn't know the difference if your mom gave $20 or $200.

Personally, if that had happened to me I would have been thrilled and saved the money for something else







But that's just me. As I wrote before- I have issues with FMIL, but I wouldn't care if she'd done that.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
we will be drowning in crap. It is always something to deal with, yeah you can return it, donate it, etc... but it is just something else to add to the list of things to do.

I totally get this, but that's not the OP's situation. GP buy tons of cool gifts and want to keep them at their house (thereby not causing the OP grief other than her not wanting the GP to have bought the toys in the first place). These things aren't interfering with the OP's daily life.

After reading the rest of the posts, I do think there are control issues between the OP and her MIL that have nothing to do with the girls. You say sometimes they don't see you for weeks, but then you say they see you at least weekly. I'm not sure the whole dynamic even makes sense to me, but from what you've posted, your issues don't have anything to do with the children.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
Despite what grandparents may *WANT* it can be highly stressful for a mother practicing attachment parenting to be asked often for the sleep-over visits.
And the grandparents wants do not trump the standards that Mom is trying to set in her own home with her children. (By standards I am referring to tryong to avoid consumerism, commercialism, happy meals, etc.).

Maybe my view is intolerant. The grandparents should be able to enjoy the kids, but certainly not to the point where it distresses Mom.

I think keeping toys at grandma's house is a phenomenal idea. I guess clothes would be harder to keep there.

I think my point is that Mom getting *as* distressed over this issue as she seems to be getting *seems* (to me) to be a bit of an over-reaction. AND I say that because it *seems* (to me) like she is taking it personally, as if the GP's are trying to out-do her, somehow belittle her as a parent, undermine her relationship with her kids, etc...and honestly, it is probably a lot more likely that the GP's are just trying to be good grandparents and that the OP's insecurities regarding the situation are bred more from personal, internalized stuff that it might do her some good to get to the bottom of.

If I were the OP, I would want to do a little more focusing on WHY it upset me so much that the GPs are behaving this way--this very NORMAL way for GPs to act. But that's just me.


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

I can totally relate, wendyjoe.

I don't know about your situation, but in mine, nothing is free. People don't get that. The gifts all come with strings attached.

Ours do live several states away. It's not easier; it's just different.

They want my children to visit them without me or dh. I suspect that the over the top gifting is supposed to make me turn my head to the obvious and say, oh, ok, you can have my kids for 2 weeks this summer, even though I know for a fact you habitually *drink and drive*.

And lest anyone tell me I'm ungrateful or not giving my ILs the benefit of the doubt (which I totally am, but not in this situation,)--that's how mine operate. I've heard the stories where they've "fixed" a goof-up with a gift. Some people think they can buy anything that's worth having. Sometimes those people are grandparents.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
I totally get this, but that's not the OP's situation. GP buy tons of cool gifts and want to keep them at their house (thereby not causing the OP grief other than her not wanting the GP to have bought the toys in the first place). These things aren't interfering with the OP's daily life.

After reading the rest of the posts, I do think there are control issues between the OP and her MIL that have nothing to do with the girls. You say sometimes they don't see you for weeks, but then you say they see you at least weekly. I'm not sure the whole dynamic even makes sense to me, but from what you've posted, your issues don't have anything to do with the children.

There's plenty of junk here, they don't keep it all at their house.

I know what goes on, sometimes it's hard to convey that over forums like this. After a few days of thinking, I guess I'll just have to let it go until it interferes with my parenting choices.


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## BabyBugsMom (Jun 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendyjoe* 
To the point where they don't see them otherwise? Where they don't come over here to see them unless DH and I are gone? Does everyone else's grandparents act the same way?

I don't know. I have my own control issues I guess.

I guess my thought would be to set boundaries you and your dh are comfortable with, and then graciously enforce them.

In all honesty, I do find it difficult to understand your problem. My in-laws can't be bothered to even send a card or make a phone call to wish my kids happy birthday. Forget gifts, they might as well not exist for all the relationship they've fostered with my children.

So, yeah, in some ways I do think you may be a bit ungrateful. I know other people's family dynamics are different, though. Maybe sitting down with your dh and coming up with boundaries together will help you feel empowered in your relationship with the in-laws.


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

It sounds to me like you dislike your MIL. You have lots of issues with her and this is the one you have decided to focus on. It seems ridiculous to me, she loves your children and wants to spend time with them. If she doesn't want you there, GET OVER IT! Go for a walk, get a cup a cocoa, make a few phone calls, then come back. Your children deserve a relationship with their grandparents, inspite of your obvious issues with MIL and what seems to be jealousy of their finanical situation.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I have a friend with ILs like this. We met up at a mall one time and she, the boys and the ILs had just arrived. We said hi to eachother, looked up and MIL had already bought the boys shirts. (Did I mention we were at the play area, not a store?) My friend started talking about how frustrating it is that the ILs buy so much for their kids all the time and all I could do was sit there and say to myself, 'are you crazy? this is great.' I am coming from the opposite extreme, both ILs are long dead, my mom is MIA and my dad isn't great with presents. After thinking about it long and hard though, I can see her point. She has to put up with a deluge of crappola and a difference of parenting styles or ethics.

OTOH, I almost cried today when I got an email from DH's aunt saying she sent DD a birthday present and would I please send a pic? DD doesn't have an extended family that buys her stuff so I am looking at it from the point of deprivation rather than excess. (DD's last b-day, my dad sent her a Starbucks gift card for her to take mommy out for coffee. To be fair we almost share a b-day and she did take me out.)

Since it is easier to set boundaries than raise the dead, I suggest you, your DH and your ILs have a small chat about all the buying. I also suggest you be very grateful for all they have done but tell them that you are feeling overshadowed and you want all major purchases to be discussed. Also tell them you will only accept a certain number of outfits a season because mom wants to pick out clothes in her style for them too. Boundaries!

Angie7, I don't understand your story either. Your kids don't have a balance sheet. The gift was from all of you legitimately so why does your mom kicking in extra money without getting credit bother you?

Just so my dad doesn't get a bad rap, last time he was here I showed him a kitchen I was planning on getting DD. He asked if he could buy that for her instead of me.


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

I really like how so many people on this thread are telling the OP that her feelings are wrong. That is a really awesome basis for AP.


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

What does AP have to do with being ungrateful? The gift and attention from grandparents is not unduely affecting her ability to parent her children in an appropriate way.


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

I just want to say that I understand what you mean 100%.. My IL's shower us with crap constantly. When they lived here MIL bought us brand new dishes TWICE, a mere 12 months apart. That's only one example.. They bring crap to our house every time they visit. If they lived here they would want the same things...

And, this Christmas they bought DS a huge Schwinn trike. It's gorgeous. The thing is, we bought him a little 4-wheeled wooden bike for Christmas _and they knew it_..

We get along great otherwise.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

I think it's really, really difficult for many people to understand how getting too much "free" stuff can be a problem. It's a dilemma that everyone thinks they want to have. But, honestly, it's bad for the planet, it's bad for the kids, it's a strain on the parents, and it does change the quality of interaction between grandparent and grandchild. Why not put that money aside for the kids' college or take the children fun places or pay for their lessons? Or, spend modestly on carefully chosen toys/games, and concentrate on other aspects of the relationship?

I think that if someone came on here complaining about being underweight and needing to take supplements to gain weight, she'd get a similar response -- be grateful that you're not overweight, I wish that I had your problem, etc. Either extreme is hard to deal with, though.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theatermom* 
I think it's really, really difficult for many people to understand how getting too much "free" stuff can be a problem. It's a dilemma that everyone thinks they want to have. But, honestly, it's bad for the planet, it's bad for the kids, it's a strain on the parents, and it does change the quality of interaction between grandparent and grandchild. Why not put that money aside for the kids' college or take the children fun places or pay for their lessons? Or, spend modestly on carefully chosen toys/games, and concentrate on other aspects of the relationship?

I think that if someone came on here complaining about being underweight and needing to take supplements to gain weight, she'd get a similar response -- be grateful that you're not overweight, I wish that I had your problem, etc. Either extreme is hard to deal with, though.

It's not difficult for me to understand the OP's stated problem of getting too much because I have that problem myself. I've posted openly about issues I have with my kids' grandparents overbuying for them...

HOWEVER--The OP's stated problem isn't the only issue at hand here, and THAT is what people are picking up on. The OP specifically stated that she didn't understand why her ILs wanted to have the little girls at their home, and she has further made comments that lead me to believe that she feels like they are deliberately trying to cause her distress, and I don't see that as likely to be happening, just viewing what the OP has said and applying my own perspective to it.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjanelles* 
It's not difficult for me to understand the OP's stated problem of getting too much because I have that problem myself. I've posted openly about issues I have with my kids' grandparents overbuying for them...

HOWEVER--The OP's stated problem isn't the only issue at hand here, and THAT is what people are picking up on. The OP specifically stated that she didn't understand why her ILs wanted to have the little girls at their home, and she has further made comments that lead me to believe that she feels like they are deliberately trying to cause her distress, and I don't see that as likely to be happening, just viewing what the OP has said and applying my own perspective to it.

My understanding is that she is upset because they ONLY want to see the girls at their house -- never at the girls' own home, and rarely with their parents present. That seems odd to me.

At any rate, you are right in that there is more here than just the "stuff". However, many posters were posting specifically that she should be grateful for the fact that they wanted to buy their grandkids things, and that they wanted to see the children -- regardless of the fact that they want to do it ALL on their own terms, and with little or no regard for the wishes/needs of the parents. I was responding to the idea that a grandparent's right to spoil the grandchildren is an inalienable one, and any parent who questions that is being ungrateful.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
You know, if she leaves the tags on the clothes, you can return them for ones you like. I give you permission.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendyjoe* 
It's okay - I don't mind the more negative posts. I really wouldn't even call them negative because I know I'm getting bent out of shape over silly things sometimes, but it's still what I feel and I'm not going to apologize for it.

And there's only so much I can post without going on and on forever, there are other things that make me go, "Hmmm?" While they do see the girls probably once a week, they really don't *know* them all that well. I feel alot of time too that they almost ignore my nephew, and she has said before that she's never going to be able to buy him the same amount of things she's bought the girls.

And the motorized car thing - dh was upset because he'd been talking about buying them for the girls next year. He said he wanted to see their faces when they rode them for the first time







And honestly they're a little too young for those cars right now anyway, that was a decision we'd both come to whenever we talked about buying them before.

And really - - who lets their small children (less than two?) stay the night with grandparents just because? It's not something I'm comfortable with. It's probably more of a first-time mom thing, but I just don't see the draw.

I haven't read all the responses yet, but I think your inlaws must be my parents, because I deal with he same thing.

I think it's more than just grandparents wanting to spend time with the grandkid.

There are "firsts" that are reserved for the parent, and my parents stole some of them away from me, and I hated it. My mom gave my ds his first bite of food (behind my back). I was livid.

She also does that thing where she buys a whole bunch of crappy clothes for him. She sends him home in these outfits and then "wants me to return them". I find it odd. She rarely babysits anymore. Why does she need all these clothes for him ruminating around her house? He won't wear them, because he's HERE.

It's depressing because my husband and I struggle,and my child constantly whines because he wants to go to their house, and we try so hard to make our place (we been here less than a year) homely and comforting and fun to him, but my parents still must show that they are better parents than us with their "things".

I don't know about other grandparents, but for my parents it goes deeper. My mom has voiced her feelings of my parenting being inadequate and that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't fix his hair right. I don't dress him right. I don't treat him right. I don't raise him right, etc etc etc etc.

I have come to see it for what it is: my mom feels that she has little expertise outside of anything other than children. She "needs" my child, to raise him, etc, to feel like she is doing something she's good at....(And that is debatable.) It feels sometimes like she's using him, and I don't like it.

I don't think you are ungrateful. I dont' have advice. Just a lot of comiseration.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I think inlaw relationships are tough. My mil/fil are very nice, and I think they try very hard to do the right thing by us and DD, but every once in a while I get the feeling that my MIL is messing with me, and I get bent out of shape over something small but annoying.

For instance, tomorrow is Easter, we are going to her house and I offered to bring a dish and she told me she doesn't want too much food. I am bummed because I like the way I cook, to be honest, and I just also like to cook. I get all bent that this is a control thing on her part, but perhaps she is just trying to be nice and let me off the hook for cooking. OR IS SHE?!!!

In your case, your a wee bit ungrateful but it's tough to be grateful for stuff that you're not asking for/don't want. I struggle with churlish feelings as well (I don't even want to go to Easter tomorrow) and sometimes I wonder why I can't just paste a smile on my face and roll with things better. Anyway, you're not alone.

The only thing I can say in advice though is that it's your family now. You're in charge, you make the decisions, and you can try to make this situation a little more to your liking if it's important to you.


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## One Art (Nov 9, 2005)

I think you are me. Except that mine are stbxils.... which doesn't actually help, it just makes it worse. For my stbxmil it is a total control thing. In fact, in a rare moment of acknowledgement, she told stbx that it was her job to fill in the gaps when our parenting wasn't up to snuff. ???????????? I can totally see the cellphone/car stuff coming in the future, too. I think it is difficult to separate the actual "time with grandkids" and "gifts" from the control issue, which may be why it sounds ungrateful. For me, I am the mom. Not stbxmil, or my own mother, or anyone else. If they want to do something/buy something that is "big" or a "big deal" anymore, I deserve to be *respected* as their mother, and consulted about it....


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emilyrose* 
I For my stbxmil it is a total control thing. In fact, in a rare moment of acknowledgement, she told stbx that it was her job to fill in the gaps when our parenting wasn't up to snuff. ????????????

OMG!!!

Then again, I've heard my mother say the same thing. Sigh.......

Someone on MDC once mentioned that grandparents may be going through an "empty nest" syndrome. I think it's true in some cases. They've had their chance to raise kids, they need to step back.

There are so many positives that can come from grandparents, it's too bad some get hung up on control.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I don't think you are being ungreatful. I would be upset too if I was in your shoes.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

The more I ponder over this thread (because I'm dealing with some of the very same issues that the OP is), the more irritation I have over people just telling her, "get over it, you're being ungrateful, this isn't even about the children, etc etc etc..." simply because they haven't been in the situation before and can't understand it and don't get it. I would like to recap over some of the things the op said throughout this thread:

Quote:

Of course she has all sorts of toys out there, but today they went and bought MOTORIZED CARS for them. WTF?? I'm sorry but this just floors me. Who spends that amount of money on toys that *the kids don't even take home with them?*
................................

I know I'm ranting, I just don't understand *what the big draw is for her to have them at her house all the time*, or why they have to buy big expensive toys.
.....................................
So call me ungrateful, but while they were trying to impress me with the fact they'd bought them cars (which, BTW, my parents had got them the cozy coupe for their B-day and it was a big hit) I just said, *"Wow, you girls won't even want to play with the toys you have at home anymore!"*
I'm just completely theorizing out of my own fuzzy pregnant head right now, but it always seemed odd to me when my mom keeps all sorts of toys and crap and clothes at her house for my child. It made sense when she kept him regularly, but it doesn't make sense now that he spends most of his time at home.

I think this is an attempt to create a life, a place of belonging, for the child, at grandma's house. I think to a certain extent, this is normal. But when you bring more and more and more crap to your house for a kid that's not even yours that you don't even babysit regularly, it gets to start an uncomfy feeling to a parent that you are trying to, passively aggressively, take over the parent's role. Why have cribs, and changing tables, and your own little dresser of clothing, and so forth, for a baby that you don't even keep more than maybe once a week or less? What are you planning? Are you planning to force the mom to let you keep the baby moreso? It just doesn't make sense.

When the child gets older, it becomes a subconcience jockey for the child's attention on the grandparent's part at a certain point. The grandparent's want the child to constantly beg mommy to come to their house because they've got much cooler stuff than you've got or can afford for them at their own home. More sinister grandparents know that the older, talking, kids are going to give grief to mom and dad regularly if there is a particularly cool toy sitting waiting for them at grandma's and pop's. It's a mind play thing, for sure. These sort of grandparents HAVE to reinforce to you on a regular basis (even through their own grandkids) that they are better equipped to raise YOUR children, and that their house is better equipped for the task. Even the kids can reinforce that by whining and whining and whining to you how they want to go to grandma's and granddad's, and this will erode your self esteem as a parent in your humble little home. Trust me, I understand.

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And I don't like the clothes she buys. They're ugly, but *she buys so many that I can't justify buying ones I actually like.* I'm being ungrateful.
To me, this looks like another control mechanism. She wants you to put the clothes on the children SHE wants instead of the ones you have a right to as their mom. If she buys you enough clothing that SHE likes, then you have to let your children wear them rather than purchase your own style of clothing for the children. I know this game WAY TOO WELL because it's one my mom pulls out of her sleeve on a regular basis. Don't buy into it. You CAN justify buying clothes that YOU like for YOUR children.

My mom plays this same crap with my niece, and she is now 12. She even goes to the point where she will actually GUILT my neice into wearing what she wants her to wear while she's there. One day she had a little dress on and my mom "gave her the choice" between wearing a pair of white sandals and a pair of black shoes. Both pairs went well with her outfit. It was beginning spring, and my neice was kind of eager to break out her sandals. My mom start acting like she would be all hurt if my neice decided to wear the sandals, because "I wanted you to wear your black shoes one more time before it gets too hot..." she says with a whiny fake-sad voice. So in effect, my mom "gave her the choice" but really DIDN'T give her the choice, because, my neice, being extra sensitive, LOVES her grandma and HATES making her sad, and GRANDMA KNOWS THIS, this is why she fake-whined/begged to her to wear them, knowing she would not make a decision that made grandma sad.

In a rare moment of clarity for me, I spoke up over her, and said, MARIAH, YOU CAN WEAR WHICHEVER SHOES *YOU* WANT TO WEAR. YOU ARE THE ONE HAS TO WEAR THEM, IF YOU LIKE THE SANDALS, GO FOR THEM.
(Maybe I was pmsing, but I had read up a lot on narcissism, and could see the whole exchange for exactly what it was, and It was making me ill to watch.)
My mom promptly knocked off the whiny bit and in a "peeved at me" kind of voice, told her nonchalantly it didn't matter which shoes she chose, she was allowed to wear what she wanted.(
















Make no mistake, this whole "control over clothing" thing she has going on started when I was a child, and filters over now even into adulthood, and now she tries to edge it into the life of my 2 year old son. It's not so much a "I would love to see you in this outfit" thing. It's the guilt she lays on you over freaking CLOTHING, (and hair too, seeing as I am an african american who has broken the bonds of chemicals in the hair and learned to embrace my natural texture, and my parents have a HUGE problem with that, and i'm endeavoring my son to love the texture of his natural hair, that is now as huge of an issue as the clothing this is) that in the grand scheme of things, doesn't matter. It will filter into your children's pre-and-teenage years, and may blow up into huge arguments if your mil is anything like my mom.

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They want to spend time with them, but only when I'm not around.
Now see, this is one of those things that I don't understand. I'm still trying to figure out the whole psychological motivations behind this, and I haven't quite grasped it yet. I know it is normal for gparents to do this SOME of the times, but all too often I've read (here and other places) about how gparents would almost rather not spend time with the gkids at all rather than spend time with them with the parents. (Especially so of parents of young children, often still bfing and still in need of mom pretty much 24 hours a day minus maybe a couple of hours something like that.)

The only thing I can think of, is that for some gparents, your presence is a constant reminder that your word goes over theirs. You are stealing their thunder by being present. Not to say that they want to rule with an iron fist in your absence necessarily, but it's a "feeling" the people come over them when they are temporarly sole caretakers of a kid. They are "in charge". Narcissistic minded people feed off of this control. If you are THERE, then the kids automatically look to you for control, and take away this power from them, even if you are just in the background, or just visiting them along with the kids. They want you to NOT be there, so they get to parent.

As I say, to a certain extent, this is normal for gparents. But everything is best in moderation, you can imagine what's going on in a gparent's mind when the seem to become obsessed with taking YOUR children, to your exclusion. Something is amiss in the mind.

Quote:

And the motorized car thing - dh was upset because he'd been talking about buying them for the girls next year. He said he wanted to see their faces when they rode them for the first time








That right there is heart breaking. I still see this as a part of a "race" on their part to become "better" in your kid's eyes than you are. (Especially if the gparents knew you wanted to get these things for them later.) I see it as one of those lists of firsts that parent's have rights too that they are concienciously trying to steal away from you, in a sweet way. You had in your mind, a proper age for which the children would be ready for a particular gift, and they railroaded over your parenting decisions, much the way my mom did when she gave my child a bite of food behind my back. (She purposefully did it, because she KNEW how I wanted to delay solid foods...) To me, this is a big problem.

I also consider it a problem if they wanted to get them something so large, and didn't discuss it with you as the parents, first. To me, that's completely underminding you, and ignoring your stand as parents, and assuming the parenting role upon themselves, pushing your opinion into the background.

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Much to think about. When the girls were in the NICU I had a hard time keeping my MIL from constantly opening and closing the isolette doors and touching them. Certainly preemies need touch but there is a limit to what they can handle.
............................................
I've always felt that it's a control thing with her. I forgot to mention that they got the girls a horse. Supposedly it was a free horse, but no horse is free (maintenence).
...............................................
I don't know how to graciously, tactfully put a stop to it.
I see all of these things as a jockey for "best" in your kid's eyes and huge control issues. I think they are overstepping their boundaries.

Now, for all of you "naysayers" who are saying that the OP is being ungrateful, I do think that parts of the things the OP is talking about, when done in moderation, are within the realms of normal. But there is a fuzzy border that some grandparents cross to where it becomes controling or even narcissistic behavior.

Understand behavior such as this (narcissistic parents and inlaws) is nearly impossible for an outsider, some one who has never dealt with the situation from day to day, to understand. There are many websites and forums on the web that are open to victims of family narcissism simply because others can't seem to understand the situation the victim is going through.

I feel that if you've never deal with it, and don't have a problem with similar issues in your own life, then it's not really fair to come in and tell the OP just how "ungrateful" she is. Especially with rudeness.

Apparently, the OP feels that there are issues that are "wrong" with this picture, or else she wouldn't be compelled to write to us her problems. If you can't relate, cool. But don't be rude to her simply because you can't understand being in her shoes.

To the OP:
I think you need to do a little research on "narcissism" and "adult children of narcissists." (Even if you aren't a "child" of one, it could still help you.)

I don't think that your il's have crossed the all out and out border into narcissism as of yet. (And I know this because I have a full blown narcissistic mil, and trust me, she is a CARD....we've cut her out of our life.) But i still feel that if you look info up on this, you may find some tactics,and techniques to help you, or at least find solace in the fact that you are not alone.

I hope this helps.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

While I don't disagree that there are some bigger issues here for the OP than just the grandparents buying too much stuff that Mom doesn't like, I think that one of the big things that stands out to me that so many people seem to take issue with is the concept that it is somehow wrong for the extended/immediate-extended family to want to have space and things in their homes for the kids.

I grew up in a family of many aunts and uncles and cousins. My grandmother had a room for all of the grandkids in her house; it included toys for all ages, clothes, beds (including a crib for the infants) and just about any other thing you could think of to make a safe, comfortable, homey place for every one.

At my home, I have a drawer of clothes that are specifically for nieces and nephews if they spend the night or are at my home and need a change of clothes. My sister has a pack n' play bassinet in her home in case my 10 mo DD is over there and falls asleep and needs a quiet place to nap. My MIL also has a "kids room" at her home to accommodate the grandkids when they are there.

I am very attached to my children, but our circle of close family is also very attached to my kids. We are all very close to our children, and our kids spend time at everyone's houses, so it makes sense to have things that are appropriate for them wherever we are. It doesn't make me uncomfortable for my sister to say, "Hey, I bought Willow a such-and-such for when she's over here."

I guess we operate from the idea of "It Takes a Village" (although I hate to quote Hillary) because we believe that the more people who unconditional love the kids and are looking out for their well-being and best interests, the better. We are not territorial with regards to who has more, does more for, etc...

NOW--as I write this, I can also see clearly that probably a big difference between what I'm describing and what the OP is going through is the fact that we're all on the same page with regards to what is best for our families and our children. We all respect each other as parents, family, sisters, daughters, husbands, wives...for the most part, at least with respect to the kids, so we're not ever dealing with an issue of one trying to out-do or undermine the other.

Like I said, I get that the OP has greater issues than just the ILs having things for the babies at their house. I only post this because so many people seem to be suggesting that it is inappropriate for other close family to make accommodations for the little ones in the family...I guess to each their own, but in our family, it is pretty standard that we all have the capacity to take care of any and all of those who might come into our homes...


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjanelles* 
While I don't disagree that there are some bigger issues here for the OP than just the grandparents buying too much stuff that Mom doesn't like, I think that one of the big things that stands out to me that so many people seem to take issue with is the concept that it is somehow wrong for the extended/immediate-extended family to want to have space and things in their homes for the kids.

I grew up in a family of many aunts and uncles and cousins. My grandmother had a room for all of the grandkids in her house; it included toys for all ages, clothes, beds (including a crib for the infants) and just about any other thing you could think of to make a safe, comfortable, homey place for every one.

At my home, I have a drawer of clothes that are specifically for nieces and nephews if they spend the night or are at my home and need a change of clothes. My sister has a pack n' play bassinet in her home in case my 10 mo DD is over there and falls asleep and needs a quiet place to nap. My MIL also has a "kids room" at her home to accommodate the grandkids when they are there.

I am very attached to my children, but our circle of close family is also very attached to my kids. We are all very close to our children, and our kids spend time at everyone's houses, so it makes sense to have things that are appropriate for them wherever we are. It doesn't make me uncomfortable for my sister to say, "Hey, I bought Willow a such-and-such for when she's over here."

I guess we operate from the idea of "It Takes a Village" (although I hate to quote Hillary) because we believe that the more people who unconditional love the kids and are looking out for their well-being and best interests, the better. We are not territorial with regards to who has more, does more for, etc...

NOW--as I write this, I can also see clearly that probably a big difference between what I'm describing and what the OP is going through is the fact that we're all on the same page with regards to what is best for our families and our children. We all respect each other as parents, family, sisters, daughters, husbands, wives...for the most part, at least with respect to the kids, so we're not ever dealing with an issue of one trying to out-do or undermine the other.

Like I said, I get that the OP has greater issues than just the ILs having things for the babies at their house. I only post this because so many people seem to be suggesting that it is inappropriate for other close family to make accommodations for the little ones in the family...I guess to each their own, but in our family, it is pretty standard that we all have the capacity to take care of any and all of those who might come into our homes...

I feel, in your case, it makes sense for relatives to have accomodations for kids that come over pretty regularly. It sounds like there was a lot of kids in your family too, so probably there were regular extended visits from kids just about any time. But what I wrote up there, applies to my mom, who only has 2 grandkids and rarely keeps any of them. (My sisters see how she is). It's become an obsession of hers to be ready to parent her grandkids at any time, even though she does so irregularly.

As I said, I think there is a very wide range for what is normal, depending on the individual family.

But I think the OP's inlaws took "accomodations" to a whole different extreme level. I highly doubt that purchasing horses is "accomodations". But it also depends on how many other grandkids they have, too.

I think what you describe compares to the op's situation like apples to oranges. It's a whole different situation going on. Just my opinion, though.

I wanted to comment on what you said here:

Quote:

guess we operate from the idea of "It Takes a Village" (although I hate to quote Hillary) because we believe that the more people who unconditional love the kids and are looking out for their well-being and best interests, the better. We are not territorial with regards to who has more, does more for, etc...
I think that it depends on the intentions of the family members in your life. Now my parents, for instance, do care, to an extent about the well being of the child. Which is why I still allow contact. (My MIL, on the other hand, doesn't, which is why I don't allow contact with her...) But if you are dealing with a disfunctional family, it gets to a point where a parent must project the appearance of having the best intentions of the kids at heart, but in reality they are feeding off the kids what they need. My mom had to look like she meant the best for me, but in the long run, it was more about what she needed from me than about what I needed to become an independant young functional adult. I still am dealing in therapy with the psychological effects that my parents have caused me due to their need to have me obey them rather than what is in my best intentions.

On the surface, of course to any outsider, they thought my parents meant the best. But only I know the effects, deep down, that their psychological disfunction caused me, and I have to protect my child from that.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I think you should flat out but politely tell her that she's buying too much for the kids, it's making you uncomfortable, and you'd like her to limit it to only one outfit or toy a month, and tell her that the very expensive things also make you feel uncomfortable, so please stop spending so much on the girls. Tell her you know how much fun it is to buy things and you know how much she loves them, but at the same time, the items are going to waste and you are concerned the girls will not appreciate the gifts if they are always getting things. Tel her that you want gifts to be a special thing for them, and that means it's only a few times a year.

I think open, honest, direct and kind communication will help you.

Good luck!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Just to add, I don't see a problem at all for a grandparent to have some toys and clothes on hand, if that's what they want. It's convenient if there is a diaper blowout, or you decide to play in the sprinkler to have an extra outfit or swimsuit on hand, and not to have to cart a lot of supplies around. I'd think of it as convenient and not worry about it that much.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
Just to add, I don't see a problem at all for a grandparent to have some toys and clothes on hand, if that's what they want. It's convenient if there is a diaper blowout, or you decide to play in the sprinkler to have an extra outfit or swimsuit on hand, and not to have to cart a lot of supplies around. I'd think of it as convenient and not worry about it that much.

Having stuff on hand is one thing -- my mom has always had extra diapers, clothes, and toys at her house, and it's a blessing, not a curse. What *is* a curse is when the children have as much as, if not more so, at the grandparents' house as they do at home, *and* the grandparents are competitive about it. Then, it becomes eerily similar to divorced families whose children have two homes (which makes sense when your *parents* live in two different houses -- with grandparents, it's just strange). The only time that it makes sense is when the children, for whatever reason, split their time between the grandparents and their parents.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theatermom* 
What *is* a curse is when the children have as much as, if not more so, at the grandparents' house as they do at home, *and* the grandparents are competitive about it.

I didn't get the sense that the OP's MIL is competitive, but maybe she is. I tend to think she has a fairly serious shopping problem. However, if setting up a room in her house for the girls makes her happy and she's got room for it, I don't see a huge problem. But I see what you mean if it's all overboard and I totally understand why the OP wanted to talk her MIL out of going down that path.

ETA out of my personal experience, I love my MIL dearly and she's made her home a very grandkid friendly place (she has 5 and soon to be 6!) She has extra clothes and diapers and sippy cups and a half closet of toys, and a garage of bikes and trikes. It's wonderful for the kids to play with some things that are only at grandmas, most of the large toys and trikes, etc. are from garage sales and it makes our near weekly visits a lot more comfortable. I love this arrangement but I realize my MIL understands balance where others may not.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theatermom* 
Having stuff on hand is one thing -- my mom has always had extra diapers, clothes, and toys at her house, and it's a blessing, not a curse. What *is* a curse is when the children have as much as, if not more so, at the grandparents' house as they do at home, *and* the grandparents are competitive about it. Then, it becomes eerily similar to divorced families whose children have two homes (which makes sense when your *parents* live in two different houses -- with grandparents, it's just strange). The only time that it makes sense is when the children, for whatever reason, split their time between the grandparents and their parents.

Wow, you summed up what I was trying to say so short and sweet!







I always get long winded when I'm pregnant.


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## urklemama (May 4, 2003)

Whoa, gabysmom617, you just summed up the dynamics in my birth family. That was an amazing post, thank you.


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## guestmama9944 (Jun 3, 2007)

Wow, gabysmom617,that was one of the most helpful posts I've read. Thanks for taking the time!


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

You have a gift, gabysmom! Thanks for sharing.


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