# One day at a time******December******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.

Please feel free to make suggestions as a number of us mamas have been pming each other regarding some of these issues and by all means this is not inclusive.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I'll begin....we put up the Christmas tree this weekend and I unwrapped the "babys' first christmas" ornaments from our other dc and it cut at my gut so deep that it took my breath away....

And for the life of me, I couldn't put up those ornaments on the tree this year. So this year they went back into the box....maybe next year...


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I'm so glad you started this thread momma......









The holidays are tough for sure. Saturday night we were driving home after doing some Christmas shopping and we saw that a local church was doing a Live Nativity and ds begged us to stop so we did. As we got close to parking I started feeling that lump in my throat, and as we got out of the car I could hear the music they were playing and it was that song about how Mary must have felt during her experience. It just felt like someone had just punched me in the stomache....what about Mary??? What about me?????? ugh.... As we looked at the Nativity and I was pointing out the various scenes to ds- 5 1/2 my nose started burning. You know the burning you feel when you are fighting back tears? And my eyes just welled up. I just felt a big wave of emotions came over me and I could barely walk back to the car. It was if i was paralyzed in my grief. I keep thinking....3 babies gone this year.....


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Heather - I so know what you mean. As I unwrapped the nativity scene I had the same questions.

It looks like so far it is just you and me....

This morning I was thinking about how relieved I am NOT to be pregnant. I mean that because being pregnant this year has been all about stress to the "N"th degree, and worrying about every little cramp and every little twinge. I don't look at my panties now when I go to the bathroom to see if there is blood, I breathe deeply without worry at night before I go back to sleep.

I will be the first to say it but this year, pregnancy was hell for me and right now, I am glad to be rid of being pregnant.

Will I ever want to be pregnant again? I don't know.....I am kinda, starting to come to terms with the fact that my baby days might be over. We will see how things go...

But right now, I don't want to think about pregnancy, see a pregnant woman, here pregnancy or ttc talk....I just want to give my mind and body a rest....a very well deserved rest because I have been in hormonal hell this year.

But mostly, I just want to keep my head down and get through the Christmas season so that I can grieve properly come the new year....


----------



## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Jumping in here and saying hi before I go take a nap.

The whole not TTC thing caught my eye. Last week after our loss, the idea of another baby was still nice, now after all the trauma to my body and emotions from that plus the d&c I ended up having this weekend, I'm just feeling like I need to take a loooooong while to heal my body and spirit. Pregnancy just doesn't seem right anytime soon, maybe not ever.

Thanks for starting this thread!


----------



## Precious_Partum (Dec 11, 2007)

Thank you for this thread. I came to this forum looking for a way to share the dread of the upcoming holidays.

I survived my 3rd m/c this year. We had planned to announce this latest pg (







EDD June '08) to our families at Christmas. We _should_ have had a "Baby's First Christmas" this year (







#1 EDD May '07,







#2 EDD Sept '07), and I don't quite know how to deal with it. There is nothing to look forward to. I just want to hide in my house and "skip" the next 2 weeks. I'm having a hard time getting into the spirit of the holidays, as it is very centered around families, children and birth (Baby Jesus is everywhere!). I absolutely DO NOT want to attend any family parties. I have 3 cousins who had babies this year, and one cousin who m/c'd her 3rd dc shortly after my most recent loss. I can't face it; I don't want to talk to anyone about babies or pregnancy or miscarriage. Only my parents, my grandmother and one of my sisters even know about all 3 of our losses. I simply cannot share this information with anyone else. DH's family is blissfully unaware that we have even started _thinking_ about having kids. (I don't have a good relationship with my MIL and do not want her to know about the pg's.)

The majority of my extended family is pretty local, and my parents are coming in from out of state to "host" our big family reunion this Christmas. It is also their 40th wedding anniversary and I have already promised them that DH and I will be there to honor them and celebrate with them. How am I going to make it through in one piece? I keep having these horrible thoughts about being asked the dreaded questions ("where are _your_ babies?" "when are you two going to give your mom & dad a new grandbaby?" "what are you waiting for?" ), or being forced into admiring one of my cousins' new babies. I can already hear my dad telling me to get over myself or suck it up and stop being so selfish and taking away from other people's happiness. What if he tells people about our m/c's?? It makes me physically ill. Every time I bring it up to DH, I get very very depressed and he doesn't know what to say to me. He doesn't understand that I'm not asking him to make it better, I'm just asking him to hear me and acknowledge my fears. I can't expect him to grieve over this in the same way that I am, but he seems over it already. When I bring it up, it's like he's forgotten it ever happened. I just feel so alone in this.

Guess I just need to know that other people out there can understand and identify with this kind of holiday anxiety.


----------



## kgrands (Feb 26, 2007)

Thanks for starting this thread. I used to belong to the Healing thread but am not TTC anymore so I stepped away for a bit.

A little background, I had a loss in June and would have been due in about one month. What a strange (and difficult) time of year. For my husband and I it would have been the final christmas together before starting our family. I don't want to be upset about this anymore - it just shouldn't still be this hard.

On top of it all, I keep getting formula, diaper samples, baby wipes and coupons in the mail.

Yuck.

katie


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm coming out of lurkdome. I am also glad to see this thread. PAL is hard for me even though I am very interested in how people are progressing. Everytime I visit it though I am reminded that I was once PAL and didn't come away with a baby. I can't do the H&H thread because I don't want to talk or read about pregnancy. I'm grieving so the title of this thread "One day at a time..." Well, that is how I have to live my life. I can't think beyond the present day. I'm just trying to get through this day.

Background: 12 week loss in October 2006; 40 week loss in November 2007

Christmas was supposed to be joyous for us this year. We were supposed to have a new baby. We were so close. Now the holidays just suck. I am faking "holiday spirit" this year because I have two other kids to think about. It is December 17 and we haven't done any shopping. Uuuggh.


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

namaste mom- my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.

mamaterra-thanks for creating this thread. This month is hard for me, Dec 24 is the anniversary of my 1st m/c and on Dec 25th it will be 3 months since I found out our precious girl had passed. She no longer had a heartbeat. I was 16 weeks. It has been one of the hardest things I ever experienced.

I just want the holidays to be over. I do not want to put on a brave face and hang out (with our extended family) and pretend that I am happy when that's the last thing on my mind. I am just keeping it together for the kids, putting the tree up and all.

Hugs and prayers to everyone here. Please take care.

Jen


----------



## Steph C. (Jan 9, 2002)

How nice to see this thread. I am going in for my second D&C tomorrow. My previous one was back in September. I never thought I would be in this place again, and it hurts.

The holidays seem unbearable right now, and the thought of putting on a happy face and facing family is not something I am looking forward to. I have a sister who is 4 months pregnant, and I don't know how I can deal with being around that right now. As the title of the thread suggests, I am just trying to get through it one day at a time. I too am faking holiday spirit for the kids, but will be so happy when it is over with.

As far as having another baby goes, we'll just have to see. I am 39, and was so happy to be given the chance to have one more, but the clock is ticking, and I am terrified of having to go through this again. I have a son who was born severely disabled and functions at a 1 year old level, if that(he is 8), so out of 4 pregnancies I have had 1 healthy child. Maybe I should just be grateful for that, and not feel so compelled to have one more.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

First off....

*Thank you thank you thank you thank you mamas*....every post I read was like I had written it and now I know that I am not alone in my emotions and reactions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I'm just feeling like I need to take a loooooong while to heal my body and spirit. Pregnancy just doesn't seem right anytime soon, maybe not ever.

Vermillion - I so here you there. Whenever I think of the traumas/surgeries that my body has gone through this year, I nearly choke on my own bile. If and when I decide to get pregnant again, it will be a long time off.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Precious_Partum* 
I survived my 3rd m/c this year. We had planned to announce this latest pg (







EDD June '08) to our families at Christmas. We _should_ have had a "Baby's First Christmas" this year

Precious - Welcome







Us too...our first little one was due this Christmas season and our last little one, we were hoping to put u/s pics in the Christmas cards as an announcement...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kgrands* 
I don't want to be upset about this anymore - it just shouldn't still be this hard.
On top of it all, I keep getting formula, diaper samples, baby wipes and coupons in the mail. Yuck. katie

Katie -







Welcome. You have every right to feel upset. Those horrible reminders are even worse this time of year.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Christmas was supposed to be joyous for us this year. We were supposed to have a new baby. We were so close. Now the holidays just suck. I am faking "holiday spirit" this year because I have two other kids to think about. It is December 17 and we haven't done any shopping. Uuuggh.

Namaste Mom -














...we were all devastated on PAL after baby Norah was born still. I too have yet to do any Christmas shopping....maybe this weekend...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
This month is hard for me, Dec 24 is the anniversary of my 1st m/c and on Dec 25th it will be 3 months since I found out our precious girl had passed. She no longer had a heartbeat. I was 16 weeks. It has been one of the hardest things I ever experienced. Jen

Jen - I am so sorry for your upcoming anniversaries...nothing more heartbreaking than an anniversary of a loss during what is supposed to be a joyous time. Welcome to One Day.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Steph C.* 
I am going in for my second D&C tomorrow. My previous one was back in September. I never thought I would be in this place again, and it hurts.

Steph - Thinking about you and hoping all is going well with the recovery from your D&C... WFIW, I too have the same questions regarding my age and losses...

What are useful coping mechanisms that you have found for this time of year?

This year, my dh, dc and I are bowing out of all Christmas parties/dues at anyone elses house, especially the extended family because none of them know about any of my pregnancies or losses.

I am pulling together all I have to just get through this season for my dc and husband little alone worrying about anyone else and their thoughtless comments.
It has been a *huge* weight off of my mind!!!!


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Welcome to everyone here. It is sad that this is how we have to meet.

Rosemary-I wish I could just bow out of all of our extended family things but it would never work. Most of our extended family never acknowledged Avery or her death. We have her ashes and will bury them in the spring. I am not even inviting any of them after the reaction I got when we lost her.

How am I coping? Trying to clean my house. When I looked at Avery's one ornament today-it got me. I had to swallow hard, since the boys were going through their ornaments and talking about them. This is usually so fun. We put the tree up after school and decorate it before Dad gets home. Then we drink hot chocolate. While we take out the ornaments, the older 2 boys ask when we got the ornament and why. It is a blast usually (this year it is just hard).

My other coping right now is to cry after I put the boys to bed or while I am cleaning. It does help. I also started a journal and I write to Avery about how I feel and about our family.

Hugs all! Take care!
Jen


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

How am I coping??

Honestly...I don't know. I think I'm still in somewhat shock because it just doesn't seem possible. How??? How could I lose two babes in the second trimester in the same year? It feels like deja vou. It seems crazy that I'm going through this....again. And maybe that shock is nature's cushion right now to get me through? I don't know. I thought FOR SURE that if this happened again that I would just die, or crumble in a heap, and my dh would have to have me committed. Seriously. But I'm still here, living, somehow coping and going about my daily life...but in a fog of some sorts, going through the movements but not really feeling. I'm intensely aware of this for some reason, and I fear what might happen when it truely sinks in.

Currently my new ob is doing tests on me, because something is wrong. I mean, geez, someone doesn't have two healthy pregnancies with huge gigantic babies ( ds- 10 pounds, dd- 9.4 pounds) and then have two second trimester losses. That just isn't bad luck, something is wrong and I guess my biggest fear is that we won't find out what's wrong, because then what? Go forward and take that risk again? Don't have another babe and always wonder " what if"? I think I just want answers so that I can move forward. If I don't get any answers I think that will be hard to do.

HUGS and love to everyone on this thread and those who may be lurking and reading and not ready to post. We're part of a club that noone wants to be a member of...


----------



## her_story (Jul 10, 2007)

Background: At my first ultrasound (19 weeks) we found out I was having twins and they were both without a heartbeat (twin to twin transfusion syndrome).

When my world changed forever back in October, I didn't want to talk to anyone... Now, I get so depressed during periods of silence. I have to keep busy or have someone to talk to. I am grateful for MDC, and for this tread. I wish I had other reasons to share with all of you powerful women, but am grateful for your support.

It seems so normal for me to talk about "Our Babies." I found out during a recent visit with my husband's family that I make people uncomfortable talking about my loss. It seems I can't relate otherwise...I remember everything as _before_ or _after_ I lost my boys. I NEED to talk about them. I NEED to cry. My parents are coming to visit in a few days. I want my mother to help me finish the nursery. I am not sure how they will react to my emotions (like a rollercoaster)... I am blathering on and on now - sorry!









Anyways, keep posting here. Everything that you feel, I feel too. I need this!


----------



## JJJJBlue3333 (Sep 9, 2004)

This thread caught my eye. I was due feb. 3rd and m/c at 11.5 weeks in July. I have had a previous loss but was pregnant with my youngest 2 weeks later so I don't think I went through the cycles of pain that I have this time. We are choosing to wait to ttc for another 1.5 years while I apprentice to be a midwife and so that ds2 will be over 4 when we add to our family again. This Christmas is horribly painful. My due date was almost on top of ds2' b-day so my pregnancy would have mirrored the pregnancy I had with him. I know what it's like to be 38 weeks pregnant at Christmas. I was in the grocery store a few days ago and was excited to see they had cherries until I remembered that when I was pregnant with ds2 I craved cherries and it was like this extra treat to get them right before I had him and cherries were one of the things I ate during labor.... I couldn't even function the rest of the day. I just kept thinking how excited I would have been *again* to have cherries at the end of my pregnancy...except I'm not pregnant and don't even know when I will be again.

Sorry...I know this is so rambly, hopefully it makes sense. I wonder if my boys can sense how terribly sad I am. I hide it most of the time and I don't think even my friends really pick up on the sorrow I've been feeling so intensely. I really keep it to myself but lately I've felt like falling a part.


----------



## Empathmom (Aug 15, 2007)

I don't know if I belong here. Please feel free to kick me out if I don't. I miscarried last Monday, December 18th. Right now I'm just sitting on the couch. My dh doesn't want me to exert myself. He wants me to rest. I love him for taking on looking after the house and our dd 6yrs. I really connected with what you mums are saying about Xmas. Its right around the corner and I am dreading it so much. I want to try and celebrate for my dd but really I feel so numb I am having a hard time figuring how I can do it. I'm sorry for all of you who are also having a hard time this holiday season. Hugs to all of you.


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Coping...avoidance is the best coping mechanism that I have. I haven't allowed our friends or family to grieve with us. That might sound odd but I wanted to get through the tough part first before we had people hovering and feeding off what little energy that we do have. I hate to have to comfort someone just because they are feeling awkward around me. I'd just rather not have them around me.

Christmas - shopping for all the kids on our list is done; however, I think the adults are going to get delayed gifts.

Empathmom - as far as I know all are welcome here on this thread, esp. if you are not ttc or grieving

jjjjblue3333 - wow that is a tough screen name to type. Little things set me off also. I start getting all teary eyed and then my husband has to make excuses for me as I scoot out of a room.

her_story - I'm sorry for you loss. You will not make me uncomfortable talking about your loss. In fact, online is one of the few places you can find places to talk about how you are feeling without being judged.

Parker'smommy - I'm with you on the coping. Somehow each day comes and goes. I'm not sure how I make it through. It just happens and then the sun rises the next day.

Jen - I write in a journal too. I feel like I can talk to Norah there. In fact, I write to her. I just got some pictures made that I framed so I can look at her pictures on the mantle now.

Steph C. - Well it is nice to know there are other "experienced mommies" out there. I'm 35 and sometimes feel like I'm too old to be thinking about having more kids. I don't know what we will end up doing.

Mommaterra - yes, I know everybody hated to see me write the news on PAL and that is why I can not go back there. I really don't want to bring down anyone's happy vibes or have them think about negative things. I want them to focus on the positive in their pregnancies and try not to worry about their child being born still. Because, I know when they read my posts that they are things "How terrible, I hope that doesn't happen to me" Everybody thinks that but of course, they don't say it.


----------



## her_story (Jul 10, 2007)

namaste_mom - I talk out loud to my babies... it brings me comfort. somehow these beings which I had anticipated would be so fragile and needy (as newborn babies) have morphed into everything that I need now that they are gone. i guess that it is really me/my inner self/soul that I am talking to? I like to think that my boys are really holding me up - especially on those days that there isn't anyone else who will understand.

I think that makes Christmas difficult... I agree with Parkersmommy that the baby Jesus and Mary thing are hard to process right now.


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I miss my daughter so much now. Each day this week it gets worse. I did not cry yesterday, but I think of her a lot.

namaste mom-I am sorry that PAL made you feel the way you do. You went through something horrible, you should be able to talk about it where and when you need to and others should be undestanding. My heart goes out to you. Norah's name is beautiful.

Welcome to the new mamas here. This thread is wonderful. So many of us are hurting and not ready to see babies and ttc.

Hugs to everyone. Happy Friday! I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Take care,
Jen


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

First off, if you feel you need to be here, you belong here.







:

I also talk to my babies. We just recently named our latest baby. We named him/her Avery. It was the #1 name on my list and it's fitting since we don't know the sex of the baby. He/she was so little- 13 weeks 4 days despite me being 17 weeks along and hearing the hb at 15 weeks. Anyways, we finally named him/her and he/she is being cremated tomorrow. We hope to bring him/her home Monday, Xmas eve. I am glad that our baby will be with us physically for Christmas. I'm not sure how I will handle seeing this baby's box next to Mason's ( our dd we lost in Feb at 20 weeks) box but it is what it is. Also, dh said something today about not being able to do this again. That devestates me but I'm not going to make any decsions now, it's just not neccessary.

D- I'm glad you mentioned not letting people in. What I'm having a hard time dealing with is everyone else's grief. It's difficult to see others in pain over what I am going through and I feel the need to make them feel better. I know they are just feeling their feelings and they need to honor them, but it's too hard for me. I can't handle it. In the same thread, it's hard to see people ignore what has happened and act like it never happened. I want to scream, "hey, an I'm so sorry Heather goes a long way. A long way." Maybe I won't be happy with anyone's reaction? sigh.

Love to you all and your sweet babies. I hope we can all find peace one day....one day.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days....my dh has been out of town and I have been home with the three monkeys by myself as I try and work a ft job from home, had the furnace *&* the fridge go caplooy on me....ugh!!!

Namaste Mom - I didn't mean bring up any negative feeling in regards to PAL....my comments were just about how horrible I felt for you as I felt your unimaginable loss.

You bring up a really good point though...now I am going to express something that I hope I won't get flamed for...

On PAL and the DDC when I came there with my bad news, it seems like that I got the obligatory sympathies but it is like they can't wait for me to move off of the thread...

Why do I say this? Because I have been back a couple of time and have had my posts ignored....like I am persona non grata because I represent the failure that no one wants to rub off on them.

Empathmom - Of course you belong here!!! There is no "minimum required grief" here. Please take care of yourself and come here often as we are here for each other.

JJJJblue3333 - Welcome. I can relate to the cravings that remind you of your pregnancy....especially around Christmas. For me with this last angel baby, it was so many things that it is hard to go by a day without being reminded.

Her_story - Again, welcome to a dubious club that I wish you didn't have the painful membership of the loss of your twin babies.

As for not letting people in....I haven't even been letting my husband in. I feel like if I start crying I will just break down and will never stop and I have to get through Christmas for my monkeys sake.

After we lost Andrew in September, I was nearly done in and all I could fantasize about was dying. (ask the mods...they pulled many of my threads because they were too "suicidal" based.

With concieving Aubree so quickly after the loss of Andrew, it was like God gave me a miracle baby to give me a reason to continue. So to honor Aubree's spirit, I have to continue on for my other children....but it is a pretty slippery slope sometimes...

One question for you mamas....why can't we share with each other here about how somedays we wish we would have died with our babies? Isn't that a natural part of the grieving process? Why are we silenced because it is too uncomfortable or is it because people are concerned about liabilities?


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Just a thought on that notion....

Grief makes people uncomfortable because it makes them face their own and that of their loved ones, mortality.

But isn't that something that we should be aware of every day? Why is it that we want to live in this blissful haze ignoring the reality that everyone will die sooner or later.

Why is it that the loss of our babies should make other pregnant mamas or parents uncomfortable? Shouldn't they take our pain and carry it into their lives as a lesson to not take their babies/pregnancies for granted?

With the death of Jessica, I gladly carry the weight of her loss with me during my day as I am grateful for every little thing that I am able to do for my dc....

From that perspective, shouldn't we embrace the lessons that grief teaches us instead of ignore them and fold them up in a neat little package that we can put in the back of a dusty closet hoping to ignore forever?!?!


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Mamaterra - I don't have any negative feelings toward PAL, in fact, I do want to protect them. I know it is difficult for people to acknowledge a loss when they need to be thinking about growing their little ones. It is hard to say I'm so sorry and then in the next sentence talk about how much your back hurts because it seems so trivial. Yet, PAL is all about being able to acknowledge the pregnancy pains and fears. When the fears become a reality, there is really no place to go. I guess I want to use this thread as a place where I can acknowledge my grieving and not feel like I'm hurting others. Grief does make people uncomfortable but talking through your grief is a major step in healing so there needs to be a place to do that. I think that it is also important for people to acknowledge loss in order to be more thankful for what you have. Unfortunately, I think that is a gift that our little ones leave for us, our families, and our acquaintances. People just have to be open enough to accept the gifts. I also think it is important to let your husband in and share in your grief so that he knows the depths of your pain and help you through the process. My husband and I grieve very differently and we are on different grieving schedules but talking to him daily about Norah is very important to me.

Parker's mommy - I agree that I also what people to acknowledge the loss but then I don't want to talk about it with them. IT has been 4.5 weeks and now I'm beginning to reach out to people little by little and letting them in. BUt, I definitely couldn't handle their grief and mine and now I can only do it a little bit. I also think that is part of the healing process, to begin to talk a little bit about your losses and slowly letting people know it is OK to talk about it (but only after you are ready to deal with their grief). I hope you get some closure with the cremation. Our burial helped me with providing and end to the horror and let me know that I needed to just get through each day. I still dwell on my loss but I don't want to crawl into the grave with Norah.

her story - I told my husband the other day that Mary could have Jesus in a barn but I can't have my baby in a modern hospital. Then, he said, well "it is Jesus" but the point is that I can't help being singled out for such a horror that most people never have to face. Then, DH also reminded me that the story of being born in a barn has probably been altered through oral tradition and embellishment. Nice to be married to a historian.

Jen - do you think it gets worse each day because of Christmas coming? My grief is very cyclical. One day I'm feel OK and the next day I'm really emotional.

I pray (and send intentions) for peace for us all.
D.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I don't know why I am particularly verbose today but fwiw, I have been having lots of CM and I am cramping so guess what.....I am ovulating.

Such a big part of me want to jump on this egg coming down the chute (my one and only chute) because I am not sure when I will get another chance....

But a bigger part of me wants to stay far, far away from anything pregnancy related. But I still grieve that I am passing that egg up....

I'm just not ready and not sure if I will ever be again....


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Rosemary







s . I do not even have words. After my last loss, my first thoughts were that I HAD to get pregnant again. Now I am not so sure. I still need to grieve for my daughter that I lost. I still long for another baby but not right now. I am pretty sure I am Oing now also.

Namaste mom - I think I am more upset because the 3 month anniversary of finding out that Avery was gone is Christmas day. I have to put a brave face on for the kids, but I know in quiet moments, I will be sobbing somewhere.

Please take care everyone. I am having a cry night tonight. I did this every day the first few weeks, now those feelings are creeping up again.

Missing my sweet angel Avery and wishing I could meet her again.....

Take care!
Jen


----------



## mamatowill (Aug 23, 2004)

I am not entirely sure that I belong here but I am uncomfortable on the TTC thread. I am not going to TTC for a while since I have been very sick for 4 months and I am not ready to go through the rollercoaster of TTCing. My ND feels that I should build myself back up after the illness or the next baby will be weak like my DS. Unfortunately DH is not onboard. He wants another baby now.


----------



## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

I just wanted to give a big







to all the ladies who have posted on this thread. I also wanted to say thank you for starting it. I feel terribly alone right now, and am not sure what to do now. This was the first baby we actually ttc, so I am not sure if I am going to ttc again or just wait and see. I am so scared that since it has happened once it will happen again. And I am so depressed and feel so helpless and hopeless right now, that I am not sure I could go through it again. I always said that I am going to leave my family planning in the Lords hands. I guess, with this too, I need to leave it in His hands. Thank you for listening when I feel like no one else will.


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

punkrawkmama27 - sorry that you feel so alone, maybe you can find some companionship on this thread. I'm also sorry for your loss. And yes, it can happen again. But there are many mama's who are pregnant after a loss (check out the PAL) thread and have babies after a loss (another thread). It can be done.

mamatowill - Hi, I've seen you post on the H&H thread. I think you should listen to your body. If you are sick then sustaining a pregnancy might now be possible. It is hard when you and DH are not on the same page. All I can say is keep talking to him.

Jen - Christmas Eve was worse than Christmas for me. I had imagined myself playing with Norah and holding her during Christmas. It is tough for me that none of those dreams will come true.

~Mamaterra~ so what did you decide to do with your passing egg? From what I read grief lasts a very long time. You may still be grieving when you get pregnant again. However, 4 losses is a lot for your body. I guess, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not a medical doctor.

Me - as I was writing to Jen, Christmas sucked. can't wait for this day to be over.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Namaste mom - HUGE







s to you right now. I can't imagine your pain.

Christmas mass was the hardest part of the day because EVERY woman that was child-bearing age either had a new baby or was pregnant. It was like God was rubbing my nose into it!!!

I could barely make it through mass without crying and then we rushed out of church immediately after as I didn't want to talk to anyone or have anyone tell me how sorry they were.

As for my egg...well, it had a silent passing. It was excruiating to let it go without giving it "the old college try" because I decided (I guess) that it was too painful to be pregnant than not to be....

As to our other mamas, welcome to this thread...this is a place to share your feelings (all of them) surrounding your loss.

To all of the mamas on this thread, I have been thinking about you today and as this day progressed.


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Rosemary-huge hugs to you. Today does suck. I took my kids to the aquarium and we were in the shark tunnel and every mama in there was visibly pregnant. I would be have been 7 months yesterday. I wanted to scream but I contained myself. Today actually ended up being very low key and quiet which is what I needed.

I did not even attempt Mass, I figured why torture yourself. It is really nostalgic foir me, the singing, the pomp and circumstance. I just couldn't force myself to do it.

Namaste mom- I have no words.







I am truly sorry that Norah left this world so quickly. We do not know the Lord's ways-why does He do this? I get so angry at times.







Please take care and know that I am thinking of you and your family.

Today for me-I was kinda numb. Yesterday was actually worse, the build up of emotions, imagining what I'd feel like at 7 months, how big I would be. It is all so overwhelming. I even wrote my husband a letter and I was very specific about why I appreciate him. I discussed losing Avery and what it meant to me. It was a lot to get through.

To everyone here, grieving our losses is a process. It is a step towards healing. Please take care of yourself and know I have been thinking of you today.

Jen







:


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Mamaterra-Thanks for this thread.As a former mama in your last DDc, I am so sorry I never replied to your other posts.I remember your loss.It really struck me.
I am in the process of giving our baby back to earth,I'm bleeding a ton,since Christmas eve.We named her Elvie







our little (un)Christmas baby.I hope I don't need a D&C,I hope I can birth here here in the tub like our last mc.I want to hold her!!!!I think she died a couple weeks ago.Everything smelled like dead fish,now I know it's her.
I'll have to come back later-I'm sobbing too much now.

First,namaste_mom-I screamed in spite of myself reading of your Norah.( _______________ )the unspeakable.( ________________________ ).


----------



## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I'm hoping this might be a thread where I will belong.

I've got three living children (ages 12, 3.75 and 22 mo), two first trimester losses (in 2003) and we lost our daughter, Carina, born too early on August 9th of this year. I also lost my uterus that day due to uncontrollable bleeding.

Recovery has been very difficult for me, both physically and mentally. Christmas was nearly impossible to get through. I just keep thinking that I have to get through this, but I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

I am so sorry to read about all of the losses on this thread. But so much love pours through as well.....


----------



## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

Hoping I can join you all here. I don't think I've posted here yet. I lost my daughter, full term, in september to a suspected cord accident (we didn't have an autopsy). It was a second csection, and she was a planned home waterbirth. So I grieve the loss of an amazing, healing birth, but also the unfathomable loss of my baby girl. I hope I can find some comfort in your stories and hope in your subsequent successful pregnancies. I'm glad this space exists. Thank you.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

RedKindSpirit - Oh my





















....I am so sorry about the loss of little Elvie and on Christmas to boot!!!

She is so blessed to have you as a mama and the good home that you gave her over the last 9-10 weeks. Oh mama, I so understand your pain, your shoulders heaving with sobs, your emotional exhaustion. Please feel our arms surrounding you with love and support









And no apologies on not responding to my posts because you did!!! As a matter of fact, your post was the most touching and personal post that when I read it I just sobbed because I knew that *somebody* got my pain....

Eclipse95 - Welcome to this thread with a membership of such dubious circumstances...

As much as I am vasilating on whether to ttc or accept that my baby making days may be over, I can't imagine how devestating the finality of having my uterus taken from me must feel!!! I am soo sorry for your pain on the loss of Carina, but the compounding pain on the loss of your uterus and all that it represents. I can't imagine the physical and hormonal hell you are going through right now.

I feel my body preparing for its first mensus in a year as this is the first time that we didn't catch that post-miscarriage egg. And speaking of hormonal hell....well......I am its greeter and ambassador!!!

I know that I should be booking an appt with an RE but I am really not motivated to do it. I guess that goes to my state of mind...

Mamas, how did you come to terms with the loss of your baby-making days, whether you chose it because of circumstances or were thrust into it because of loss?


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Thankyou,Mamaterra, for your kind and caring words.
Eclipse95 and mountainmummy,I'm so sorry we get to meet here.
Eclipse 95 your post really got to me.I was rushed by ambulance to the ER on the 26,as the baby was passing due to uncontrollable bleeding.I was a hair away from a transfusion.I am SO greatful I did not lose my uterus and I'm terrified that I may have, and horrified that you lost yours in such a way.I feel like I can relate, in a small and awful way, as I was nearly there the day before yesterday.I'm so so sorry that you are having to endure those losses!

Yes, I had to undergo every thing I most hoped not to.My legs are sore from the D&C,it was absolutely inhumane,but neccessary to keeping my own life at that point.I kept every piece I passed so I could see and hold my baby,but I never found her in all of it.I had never been to a hospital, never seen by an OB,never had an ultrasound,never had needles and such drugs or machines in my body,never lost so much blood,and I never thought I would.I am in shock that this is all part of my life story now.I am in shock on a lot of levels over a number of things...but I am alive,I am home, with my children and husband,and I am healing very well physically.
I am so greatful to have this thread with you ladies to help me through this, and in return, may I have helped someone too.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Oh KindRedSpirit....You have gone thru SUCH trauma since your last post, I am truly sorry for your pain.

You may find, as I did with both the loss of the twins (I hemorraghed and had an emergency D&C) and with the ectopic (ruptured and I bled internally for three days before being rushed in for an emergency scalpictopomy with a subsequent stay in the ICU) that you will have a doubley difficult time.

This is because you are currently processing the trauma of the whole ordeal and somewhere underlying, you know that you lost a baby. But most overwhelming right now is the trauma that your body has gone through. I found that it was more difficult than the other miscarriages and I had a longer and harder recovery time both physically and emotionally.

Hopefully your husband is off during this week and you can stay in bed to recover. Sending love your way.







:


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Mamaterra-I just love you.I really appreciate your understanding.You totally understand what I am going through!I have not yet begun to work on my emotions.I am trying to keep alive.I think I may be officially physically safe tomorrow,as long as I keep my protein up.

WARNING_RANT
I can see already,that I will have to have 3 good talks with Dh for him to 'get' that he's got to step up big time or I will crash.He was already acting annoyed at me resting today!HELLO!!!!He left me here with 4 kids under 8 and one nursing!Alone!Half alive!I may call our midwife to give him a talking to about giving me good food-not ritz and Dr.pepper,Which is what he actually got from the store!!!!and doing more around the house and with the kids.He used to be good at this, but has backed off a ton!Now, he has no choice,and he shouldn't have to be told!No, he has not had time off, he took one day so HE could rest,after getting home from the ER at 1 am.I kindof prefer him gone, as I then have one less to deal with.He is home tomorrow-Saturday, and Sunday.It will be a long weekend.I'll be rallying my supporters IRL,and maybe finding new ones here in this new town(moved 5 mo. ago.)I'm tired, and frusterated,and I don't want to deal with my resonsibilities just yet-mostly the ones others can do!I'm feeling pushed back into life way too soon, and nobody cares or expects otherwise!Do I need to fake a breakdown just to protect myself and allow my own healing?Come on!I should not need to be addressing this a mere 36 hours into this!I guess I am dealing with one emotion-anger.I am furious to the point of tears and I am looked at with pity, and passed by.Make me a meal!Put in a load of laundry or dishes, take a kid or two on a playdate,is that SO hard?No, I know, because I will be doing it.All day tomorrow.As Dh yells at the kids and watches football.HE HAS GOT TO STEP UP!!!!!!!How can he forget so fast?I have other things I need to deal with, and SOMEONE PLEASE, I need someone to care for my kids!They are like lost little people in their own home!No one does anything for them but me, and I can barely put out a meal and turn on the blasted tv!

RANT_OVER.
I appologize for the rant.I have nowhere else to voice this.It has been too long of a day.


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Just changed my sig from a stork to my angels.It hurts.


----------



## srw (Dec 29, 2007)

I'm sorry KindRedSpirit.

I'm new here. I've suffered two losses this year. I had an ectopic in July of this year and I had a D&C last week. I found out today that this last pregnancy was a partial molar pregnancy. I'm still trying to figure out what that means. I have an 18 month old son and I wanted so badly to have children close in age. I had no problems carrying my son. I did have complications towards the end of pregnancy but I had no problem conceiving at all. I just don't understand why, now, I'm having problems. My doctor ensures that there is nothing wrong with me and I just had bad luck. I'm starting to wonder though.

My husband doesn't quite get why I'm so depressed. He doesn't consider the losses real. But to me, I have two children that I will never meet and hold. To him, they were never babies.

I haven't had a chance to sit down with my doctor yet. She just called on the phone this afternoon. I've been researching on the internet and everything I've read says I have to wait a year before TTC again. That seems like so long. I've also read that I can get cancer.

I'm scared and depressed.


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

srw-







My little guy is 18 mo. too.He brings me a lot of hope and joy these days.He is just so there for me.
This is SO much for you to be going through!
I wish there was a way to help Dh's get what is going on!
Even if you have a baby in the next 2 years, they will still be close in age!
I hope you have better news as you sort out what exactly is happening.It must be near impossible to heal with out knowing.
I am here for you.I really, really hope you get information that is uplifting and positive in the comming days and weeks.Take it easy on yourself.I'll email your Dh if ya want me to....


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I was just about to offer you that to you KindRS....because I soooooooo know what you are talking about!!!!

My dh was an absolute @ss with the m/c of the twins. We were out of town when the bleeding started and I was told that there was no fetal heart beats. We couldn't go home because dh was doing flight training so I was stuck in a hotel room with three dc ages 5, 3 and not yet 1, bleeding and miscarried baby number #1 alone at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. I spent 6 days miscarrying alone in a hotel room with my dc and my dh didn't miss one minute of work.

Then we went home and I think "finally, I can spend some time in bed". Well, apparently that was too much because it lasted a half of a day before my dh started getting snarky with me (Oh btw, this was ALSO our 6 yr anniversary). We had a HUGE fight where I begged him on my hands and knees for some compassion and understanding. And do you know what he did?!?! He turned around and walked the other way!!!!

15 minutes later, I started hemorraging and he got scared as we rushed to the ER. I birthed baby #2 but continued to hemorrage and so I had an emergency D&C and an overnight stay in the hospital.

Over the next couple of months, a ruptured ectopic and an ICU stay later, he still was being an @ss by not acknowledging my grief or even talking to me about it. I got the "this isn't a good time" speech so I finally blew up after he refused to participate in a memorial on National Birth Loss Day...

He saw this as an opportunity (I am still scratching my head about this one) and started contacting women on Facebook telling them he was no longer married. I found out a week later and brought down the wrath of hell on his head.

I found out a week later that I was miraculously (as I had lost one fallopian tube) pg again, and because of fear of what would happen in the pg, we stayed together. I lost that pg on Dec 5th but fortunately, he has been working very, VERY hard not to repeat the mistakes of past and was/is an absolute angel about everything now.

My point......

One, I soooo know how you feel and two, with the "get-it-together" conversations, they can change.....mine did.

Let me know if there is anything that I can help with. Maybe my dh can email him something too...

Whatever the case, hugs sister mama, hugs!!!

SRW, so very sorry for your losses. The fear around an ectopic then a subsequent pregnancy is something that I know all too well. My dd is 16 months old and I wanted the same spacing that my first two dc have, which is 16 months. I would have been due with my first angel right now. Guess what? I won't be getting that spacing and I am grieving that loss too.

All of your emotions are so acceptable and valid. Please feel free to express them.


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Well, Dh and I had a long talk last night and sorted out some fears and feelings and ideas for the future.It was good.We have a lot of work to do together and as a family, but we are all willing to try.He has been greiving more too,and not feeling supported.This is going to be a long road, and we're being changed by it already.

I am greiving most deeply about not getting to see the baby.I was counting on a goodbye and an image to remember.I never got that,even though I painstakingly saved every peice I passed,exept one, I now remember, before the dandc and i wanted the ob to look at it and he never did and it got lost in the dandc.If that was my baby, I am __________________________.I am comforted that I let that bit be close to me the longest.If that was her, we had a snuggle of sorts.Maybe that is what she needed most, and that is why it went that way.I really just cannot get over, how much i just want her.I want to yell it -I WANT MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!-I JUST WANTED TO HOLD HER BODY ONCE, AND LET HER REST ON MY CHEST.That moment, too was stolen from us.

I noticed a post I made a few weeks ago, about a dream i had.I was in a bay with Dh and we noticed two peguins float by and then a polar bear.We thought the bear was after the penguins so we tried to drift unnoticed back to shore.Almost there, the polar bear shot toward us under the water like a torpedo,it grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me to the bottom of the ocean and sat on me.This is when I woke up.This is still a very vivid dream, and it's comming true.I am at the bottom of the ocean with a polar bear sitting on me.And now, as when i woke from that nightmare, I have to try to sort it all out,and decide what i will belive would happen next.

I am considering drastic changes in my life and my families lives.I may very well put my unschooled older two kids in public school, I may get a part time job after 9years of being a stay at home mom,I may go to college and become the career holder in our family, as Dh becomes the stay at home dad.These are all things I was trying to decide on before this baby, that she answered for me-keep on doing what I always have.Now i may change it all....It's very bizzarre.I have a lot of soul-searching and family conversationing to do.Is this what it was all about?Pushing me over this edge?Or am i making it up?I do not want to run from anything, I want to carry this with me,I want to put my nurturing into this, where I can't put it into her.BUT I do not want this to make my world crash down even more as a defensive measure.I'm rambling now, sorry.Fortunately, all these things will take time, I cannot rush into any one of them,so I am somewhat protected from myself, if i am in fact losing my mind.It's a five year plan,and too much can happen in that time.I need control of the situation back.But I desperately need to learn how to share that control and situation with Dh and also the kids.But mostly Dh.I'm starting to think in some sick way, that this experience was given to us-The warning dream, the timing, everything...Is it a distraction or a point of focus?Someone stop me from rambling!

On a side not-I'm finding i am more and more terrified that I may lose our youngest now.I almost went and slept with him last night(he recently weaned from our bed, as he is a huge bed hog, and light sleeper.)but was distracted by talking and sobbing with Dh til 2 am.It feels a little paraniod-maybe ppdish?I do not like it, and it's freaking me out and making me uptight when I'm not with him, which is not often, really, as he is nursing, and we are best buds.I can see it may be a spinoff of losing a baby,and it better be just paranoia or I will not survive.Should i physically live, too much of me will be dead to count.And here things get too dark in my mind, so I will delete this.No,It's a part of this experience, I will try to overcome it.It's so early on,I'm still in shock, and i'm going to shut up now.


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

srw-I want to apologize. I feel I may have tried to side wall some of your feelings, especially your desire for the spacing of you children.I am sorry,it was incredibly rude of me ,especially on this thread.It was one of those moments of accepting the poor training of a lack of accepting others experiences as theirs in this society.I take it back, and i wish you could have your babies spaced so perfectly.


----------



## srw (Dec 29, 2007)

Hey, don't worry about it. We are all grieving here. I didn't take offense at all. I have been stressing over the age gap because I had this perfect little plan in my head. Apparently, the Lord does not have the same plan for me. Maybe he knows that I can't handle children that close in age. I firmly believe that every thing happens for a reason. Maybe I will have an only child and maybe I will be blessed and have another. Time will tell, eh?

I know exactly how you are feeling about losing your youngest. Since my first lost I have been very paranoid about losing my ds. I check on him several times a night and went back to using the baby monitor. I have nightmares of him dying. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he somehow fell through the cracks and was born by accident and will be taken away. I can't live thinking like this though. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy son that I need to enjoy every minute of. In a way, I feel much closer to him now. I love him more than anything but now I know just how precious his life is.

My losses hurt but I'm really trying not to dwell on it. What's the point? It's not going to bring them back. It just make me sad. It makes my husband sad and now my son is picking up on it.

We all have losses but we will see brighter days. It's important to actually enjoy those bright days.


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Hugs to everyone new here. I am terribly sorry for your losses. I cannot wait for 2007 to be over. This week just kept going from bad to worse. My SIL's sister is pregnant and due 4/5/08, 9 days after Avery was due. Well, she went into labor on Dec 26th. She is in the hospital 3 cm dilated on Mag,
every time the Dr stops the Mag, she contracts. Yesterday they told us that her water bag is bulging and that birth is imminent. She has not had the baby yet but it is a matter of time. I am so upset for her. She is 26 weeks, 3 days. The NICU team has told her that her daughter has a 90% chance of surviving her birth.

I was already grieving my babies. The anniversary of our 1st loss was Christmas eve. It has been 2 years. The 3 month anniversary of finding out that Avery became an Angel was Christmas day. Then Kristen went into the hospital on the afternoon of the 26th. I was so upset when I first found out she was pregnant. I was angry, I was jealous. Here she would be with her daughter after I lost mine. Now I feel sadness and worry for her and what lies ahead.

My Dh can have his moments but after we lost Avery he was ok. I had serious PPD and when my milkcame in, I wanted to die! Truly. I wished I had gone with Avery. Sometimes I believe that God only kept me here because of my sons.

I also fear losing my youngest son. He is going to be 3 next month. He has medical issues and Autism. He has had a feeding tube since he was 16 months old. I worry about him all the time. I am so glad that he still co-sleeps. He is a restless sleeper but I rather have him near me.

Please take care! Hugs to all. Happy New Year.

Mamaterra-thanks again for the thread. We need it!


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

OK, I am having a helluva time with no one to talk to, so here it goes....

My body is struggling, and when I mean struggling, I mean painfully so much that I am having to take 3 Tylonel #3 just to cope, to get its first AF since January.

I am cramping, my back aches to high freaking heaven, the insides of my thighs ache and my pubic bone feels like somebody smashed it with a baseball bat in addition with all of the usual suspects (bloating, mood swings, etc).

To make matters worse, I would have been due with my first angel right now!!!! So it feels like I am in labour when I should have been in labour but it is just to get my first menses since January.

I am rocking in pain because of PMS when I should have been rocking in pain from contractions. Life f-ing sucks!!!

And my husband is oblivious to all of this....


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

(((HUGS))) for all the new posters. I can sympathize.

Uuughh, When it rains it pours. Isn't there an old wives tale about bad things happening in 3's. FIL had a stroke yesterday and is in intensive care - the outcome is uncertain. We have to drive to NC today. Last night I told DH that it was all too soon -- having to face hospitals again and death again. I guess I may not be on for the next 10 days or so. DH will have to stay in NC to help his mom after I come back but I have to start the spring semester on Jan 9th. Kids will come back with me since a stroke recoverer needs quiet (if he recovers). What is the 3rd thing? I can't take any more death. DH's Grandpa died in May. I hope that was actually the first thing.

I guess I won't be checking in because internet access will be slim to non-existent. Be gentle with yourselves.
D.


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
OK, I am having a helluva time with no one to talk to, so here it goes....

My body is struggling, and when I mean struggling, I mean painfully so much that I am having to take 3 Tylonel #3 just to cope, to get its first AF since January.

I am cramping, my back aches to high freaking heaven, the insides of my thighs ache and my pubic bone feels like somebody smashed it with a baseball bat in addition with all of the usual suspects (bloating, mood swings, etc).

To make matters worse, I would have been due with my first angel right now!!!! So it feels like I am in labour when I should have been in labour but it is just to get my first menses since January.

I am rocking in pain because of PMS when I should have been rocking in pain from contractions. Life f-ing sucks!!!

And my husband is oblivious to all of this....

That is terrible Rosemary. I hope the Tylenol 3 help some. Can you get a hot bath or use some moist heat for the back pain?

Do you use a chiro at all? That is the only thing that helped with my 1st AF after my last loss.

Somoen needs to come and kick the Dh's butt in gear. I would have to flip out at him with that kind of pain.

I am sorry that your due date is looming as well. I know that it is not an easy time.

Please take care and make Dh help you out so you can deal with your pain.

Jen


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Oh God, now I'm the horrible mama to her angels....

I totally missed the due date of my first angel because of the passing of my last angel, it was December 2nd.









Tomorrow/New Years Day is the due date for my twin baby girls.





































I can't bear the thought....


----------



## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Rosemary,

I am so sorry that today in your due date for your twins. I am praying for you and sending you lots of love and peace. I will light a candle for the twins today.

Please take care! I am also sorry that you missed the date of your other DC. Loss is a terrible thing. None of us should have to bear this grief. I hope that 2008 is a much better year for you.

You are one amazing mama to your earthen children and angel babies. Never forget it!

Jen


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Angel

Jimi Hendrix

Angel came down from heaven yesterday
She stayed with me just long enough to rescue me
And she told me a story yesterday
About the sweet love between the moon and the deep blue sea
And then she spread her wings high over me
She said she's gonna come back tomorrow

And I said "Fly on my sweet angel,
Fly on through the sky,
Fly on my sweet Angel,
Tomorrow I will be by your side

Sure enough this morning came unto me
Silver wings sillouetted against the childs sunrise
And my angel she said unto me
"Today is the day for you to rise
Take my hand ,you're gonna be my mam*
You're gonna rise"
And then she took high over yonder

And I said "Fly on my sweet angel,
Fly on through the sky,
Fly on my sweet angel,
Forever I will be by your side."

*mam was man.

Taken at their literal face falue, the words ring so true right now.

Mamaterra





















today.


----------



## her_story (Jul 10, 2007)

Tonight I am burdened by feelings of being "used up."

I am tentatively anticipating that during this New Year I will be able to fill up my soul again with hope and rid myself of fear.

I hope for all of us, mommas, that we may rid ourselves of guilt and allow us to rise up from within ourselves instead of cowering to the expectations of others. May we all feel free to talk of our lost babies without worrying of other's reactions, may we again find happiness and look to the future without fearing the past.

Through the tears I breathe in HOPE and blow out FEAR.


----------



## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

her_story,So beautifully stated."Through the tears I breathe in hope and blow out fear." Is my new mantra!

I so hear you on the "used up" feeling.Honestly, this has been my biggest trial in recovering,to go back to allowing myselft to feel and be used up.I want to heal, I want to become more than I was,I do not want this experience to have been in vain.I am trying to convey this to my family, but what I am doing that is most making a difference is stepping out of a lot of my roles.I am no longer homeschooling.I am sharing what I feel with Dh whether it may hurt him or not,I refuse to clean a mess I did not make, just to get it done faster.These are SO hard!In some ways I don't have the option to not change.It is impossible now for me to cover everyone else.It is impossible for me to spare my husbands feelings at the cost of my own,and it is unfair to my children at this point to require them to stay home in this environment I can no longer foster in a healthy or educational manner.Fortunately, I feel good about these decisions.I am trying to see the line between nessecity and manic loss of control.I think I am finding that balance.I may cross that line if I start an out of home job,but I may not.I am not at that moment today.Though I may be next week, and I am really striving to know where the line is at this point.Likely a sign I am too close to it.But another path has not arisen yet to solve that issue,so until then...I remain on this path.If I stop moving, I feel I will colapse and not recover.

srw, I wanted to thank you for sharing your fear of loss of your toddler too.It helps so much knowing I am not alone, and a part of recovery.Also, I can think of someone in the same situation and not go too crazy about it,it kindof balances out when it is shared.Thanks, and may we all overcome this fear as we enjoy the young ones around us.

Mamaterra-Thinking a lot of you this week.Be so careful with yourself.I pray that those around you will know your needs and be able to help you in positive ways.(If not, may god send you a friend who will.)

I am SO glad to have "the holidays" done!Nobody (who would normally)would call us, like we were a pariah(sp?)Not wanting to contaminate their joy or our pain.It was all doubled, being the week between Christmas and New years.I'm glad it's over, and we can find our new normal!On that note, one of my sisters came over yesterday, and having company really helped me so much!It was my first dose of cheer.(after a day of manic cleaning and rearanging furniture.)We watched a movie and folded laundry,and I felt like my home WAS a good place to be!That means so much!


----------

