# How do you co-sleep and have asex life???



## damian'smom (Oct 8, 2004)

My husband and I decided to do the partail co-sleeping thing for many reasons more than just our sex life. However I must say since we don't have the babe in the bed for the entire night now, our sex life is soooooooooooo much better. We began to wonder how full on co-sleeping parents still have a healthy sex life with thier partner??? I have to say I read some of these posts on mothering and as much as I am into AP parenting, I am also into keeping my marraige healthy... I just wondered how you all maintain good relationships and are that AP with your child rearing?? I am not knocking anyone's choices or even trying to debate the issue. I really want to know how it works? We are comfortable with our choices and our son is a very secure little guy, he is on my hip and in the sling for hours of the day, I am at home with him all day and attentive to his needs...and my husband is there every hour that he is not working, we partail co-sleep etc., so I don't think we are too far from the AP thing... I just think it is amazing that you can all stay secure with yourselves and each other and just be the 24/7 AP person.
Just curious I guess


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

What we do is put the baby to sleep in our bed and then head back out to the living room for grown up time. There are many other places in the house to have sex, and we've utilized most, if not all of them. The couch, the bathtub, the balcony outside...









At least for our family, co-sleeping doesn't seem to hurt our sex life.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm not currently "partnered" but when I was, our sex life was NOT a problem!! We would have "quickies" in the afternoon while the kids were occupied- and we made good use of ALL the rooms in the house when somebody was asleep in our bed!!


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Our relationship has actually grown closer -- we have a "we're in this together" type of attitude and we actually have fun sneaking off to another room while our dd is sleeping or when we get an actual "date" we really appreciate it. OUr youngest is 3 so as we move further away from the less intense baby/toddler stages, the easier it gets. Plus, sleeping together has eliminated all of night waking and we all sleep better.


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## livviesmommy (Jan 22, 2002)

I agree with utilizing the _whole_ house! When you're dating it's OK to "do it" anywhere, but once you have kids lots of people think it has to be missionary sex in the bed b/c they are parents. Even though we don't have sex nearly as often as we used to, it's still just as fun. And a quickie in the shower while the kids watch a video adds some of the "naughty" risk back! Go back tot he dating days!


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

We cant have fun time on the couch, because we also have older kids....17 & 14. but when our youngest was with us everynight, all night.....we either made love on the floor, or if the baby (he's 6 now) was in his sleeping bag on the floor next to our bed (his choice entirely!), the we had sex on the bed. Either way, we had to be quiet


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Not to knock you for asking, but I always wonder about the capacity of people's imaginations who ask this question. As PP's have attested, the bed is most certainly not the only place for action to occur!


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

It's easy ... have sex somewhere other than the bed.


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## damian'smom (Oct 8, 2004)

zinemama---trust me i have a great capacity to imagine. We just have a tiny home and an eight year old that wakes to a pin drop... my question was based more out of curiousity than anything else... I am glad that people make it happen!!!








Some of the posts I read seem so doom and gloom in regards to AP and sex life! So I really was asking the question out of shear curiousity!!! Besides how can you imagine without being curious??!!!


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

well i personally do have a problem with our sex life because of co-sleeping. since still bfing i have very low sex drive and not sleeping next to my DH creates distance between us - sexually. I need more then just a quicky on the couch, that does not do it for me. I need touch, and I need to sleep next to my DH.
I'd like to go to partial co-sleeping, but don't know how. We don't have a crib (I know my DS would be totally fine in one) and it's too late to buy one now I think. So I don't know. We are kind of waiting it out until he is bigger. Hopefully it's not gonna be too late for our relationship.


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## ~Jenna~ (Dec 7, 2003)

My ds is a really heavy sleeper at night....so we just wait til he's been asleep for about half an hour and then do it in bed. I know that is too weird for some people but it doesn't bother us.


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## livviesmommy (Jan 22, 2002)

Has anyone mentioned the side-car arrangement yet? We have the crib between the wall and our king size bed with one side off; and I keep a body pillow over the crack. When DS was younger (and sometimes even now!), we would just pile the pillows between us and him as a sound barrier. Isn't is funny how quiet you can be when you need to? Also, we have a small house too - so some nights we let DD fall asleep on our bed, then we sneak over to her bed. As long as I take off all the stuffed animals! But I can relate to the low sex drive while bf too - hence the quickies in the shower ... doesn't always "do it for me" but keeps DH happy for a few days. And i try to remind him that, in the long scheme of things, a few "down" years really isn't too bad. What't he gonna do when the kids move out and it's just me and him 24-7?!? :LOL


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

We NEVER had sex in our bed at night. Once I am in bed, I am sleeping. I think maybe once pre-ds we got in bed and then decided to have sex. We always have done it during the day out where there is more interesting furniture, so ds didn't change that at all. Now we just do it during his naps. I am very impressed by people who have sex before bed. They must have a lot more energy than me! We have less sex now than before ds b/c he is awake and about, but it has nothing to do with him being in our bed.


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## eminer (Jan 21, 2003)

I'm not lacking in imagination, but I don't enjoy having sex in most places in my apartment besides bed. However, we have always either used the spare bed, or temporarily moved dd into it or onto some blankets on the floor. I don't consider this "partial co-sleeping" anymore than I consider it partial co-sleeping when dd sleeps for awhile on the couch before I put her in bed.

As far as the broader marital harmony thing, we have always used the time when dd was sleeping, either at night or in the morning, or during a nap when we are both here. When she was much littler, some of my favorite times involved our going out for pizza or coffee while she slept in the booth, reclining umbrella stroller, or sling. Now we get time "alone" while she is immersed in some other activity, or hanging out with her godmother or grandma.

But we also connect when we are not "alone". We still think of dd as coming from our love and are very comfortable with her around, don't feel the need to be constantly parenting or entertaining her in a deliberate way. When she was smaller, we might have cuddled or kissed or talked while she nursed. We are always talking, and don't really censor our conversation around dd (except for sometimes talking over her head a little). I guess that is the main thing about being on 24/7 for us: it is about being able to handle a lot of togetherness comfortably. Since having dd, we have moved into a smaller apartment and totally restructured our rooms to reflect this. A lot of the things dh and I were still keeping separate from each other -- e.g. bookcases, desks, filing systems, sides of the closet -- started to seem silly, and we consolidated. We have a family bedroom (with a twin bed dd sometimes uses, sometimes doesn't, clothes for all 3 of us in one dresser, and a bookcase with books we like to read to each other in bed), but it feels much cozier and more romantic than our pre-dd bedroom, which included a desk with a computer on it and a bunch of other junk. Becoming a mother (including after dd's birth) has triggered my becoming much more aware of my sexuality and more comfortable in my body and home. So it is definitely different from when it was just the two of us most of the time, but not worse.


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

My 11 mo old wakes up if I leave the bed for any length of time and my sex life is suffering esp since I am co-sleeping with her in a different room so don't think it is an unimaginative question at all.

Plus the parrot does NOT help!


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

We've done all kinds of combinations of the above: sex in bed with sleeping babe, sex in dd's bed while she is in our bed, sex in other rooms of the house while she is in our bed, move dd while she sleeps and then return to her side when done with sex.....and our approach has changed as she grew and grows.

I agree with pp that *I* can not give up sex in my own bed completely--that is where I feel the most comfortable (physically and emotionally), and consequently is where I am the most adventurous and have the most pleasure







But quickies around the house are fun, and can be quite satisfying, as long as it is not our only approach.

I "hear" a little bit of insecurity in the op. Maybe I am reading it wrong, but I am hearing that you worry that your sleeping arrangement is not "ap enough", and are trying to justify it. But, however you and your family (including your child, of course) are the happiest is the best night parenting approach for your family. If dc is happy with this arrangement, and you and dp are happy, then you don't need to justify it to anyone! If dc is struggling, then that would be a different story. But it sounds like things are working well, so, congrats on finding a system that works for you!


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## bizarrogirl (Jul 12, 2003)

We always head off to another room; it's never bothered me at all that the bed is "taken." It doesn't necessarily need to be a quickie, either, just because it's not in bed.

When DD was smaller and more sensitive to being left alone, we would just catch as catch can, and felt pretty comfortable in the knowledge that it wasn't going to be like that for very long. And it wasn't. We also had an Arm's Reach for a while, and that allowed us to cosleep with her on one side of me, but I could cuddle DH like normal.

Things aren't quite as frequent as they were before the baby came, but I can't say that has anything to do with cosleeping, particularly; it's just life with baby.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I'm not sure if it is cosleeping, or hormones, or living with my mom







: that has most hindered our sex drive... My husband works nights four times a week and him getting home at 11.30 has certainly not helped either. Luckily we have a big bedroom with an attached bathroom because (due to the fact that we live with my mom right now) we can't really do it in other rooms of the house. This means...when we do it, it is on the floor in front of the walk in closet. Someone tell me this gets better!







:


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## JavaFinch (May 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Jenna~*
My ds is a really heavy sleeper at night....so we just wait til he's been asleep for about half an hour and then do it in bed. I know that is too weird for some people but it doesn't bother us.


LOL, I'm glad someone admitted to doing this







We live in the country, so our room is pitch black at night, plus ds is a SUPER deep sleeper - so at night, we push him over to the other side of the king bed, usually I'll put a pillow on the side of him, and dh and I have the rest of the bed. And it's not like I'm screaming or we're really rowdy about it









If we were going to bd in the morning, though, we'd move to another room.


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

All right, you asked for it! :LOL

When we happen to do it (usually once a month), it's usually during the day and our DS is usually up







We just "mess" around in our bed, naked of course, and our son thinks it's some kind of game he is somehow part of and he keeps running in and out of bedroom playing hide and seek - it's halarious! He keeps brining all kinds of books and toys and tries to entertain us while we are having sex. It's kind of hard to have sex when you laughing really hard :LOL


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## love2all (Dec 13, 2003)

During the day when the big kids are at school and the baby is asleep in his car seat-
WE HIT THE SHEETS


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## ChattyCat (Sep 7, 2004)

I actually posted a similar thread about a week ago. I think it's hard to find the time and location to be intimate when you cosleep. We put ds down on his mattress on the floor in his room (he has to be in a cooperative mood to go and stay asleep there). Then we go to our bed or the couch or whatever...

But, it's a lot harder to get him to sleep in his room than it is in our bed. And, we can't leave him in our bed, because it's still up off the ground. We've coslept since we brought ds home, and we love it. Most nights we all sleep great. But I do think that sex has become much less spontaneous, since we have to plan to have ds sleep for the early part of the night in his room. I gues it's just another challenge of parenting.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
well i personally do have a problem with our sex life because of co-sleeping. since still bfing i have very low sex drive and not sleeping next to my DH creates distance between us - sexually. I need more then just a quicky on the couch, that does not do it for me. I need touch, and I need to sleep next to my DH.
I'd like to go to partial co-sleeping, but don't know how. We don't have a crib (I know my DS would be totally fine in one) and it's too late to buy one now I think. So I don't know. We are kind of waiting it out until he is bigger. Hopefully it's not gonna be too late for our relationship.

We do family bed until our children are 3, then start weaning them out of our bed. I've ALWAYS slept next to DH except when nursing the baby on that side. I sleep in the middle, the baby on the outside.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

We also had sex on the floor in our room with our sleeping child up on our bed. We had to be quiet, which added to the risk and fun, and the baby was just a few feet away so we would know if he was going to roll off of the bed.


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## Friendly botanist (Nov 23, 2004)

I'm glad to hear that co-sleeping and sex exist for some couples...but not for us. DD goes to bed with us at night and wakes up if my breast is more than 1 inch from her mouth. So except for spooning, it's difficult to have sex in bed. Although we have twice gotten up in the middle of the night to have sex on the pull-out bed downstairs, we were both very tired and it wasn't all that fun. We also sneak down to the basement while she naps, but I find it a *huge* drag to have to run up and settle her back down when I'm right on the brink of an orgasm. It just puts a damper on things, and I find it hard to get back to the same level of arousal after a few such interruptions. We also sometimes put blankets on the floor by the bed, but I just don't find it as comfortable (those floors are really hard, and usually a bit dusty - housekeeping is suffering as well). I know that this is temporary (for a few years...) and I try to keep it all in perspective, but sometimes I wish that once, just one night she would sleep by herself in a crib (she is now 11 months). We used to have sex approx twice per week.

Elisabeth


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## MoMommy (Oct 8, 2004)

We wait until dd goes to sleep and then just have sex in the bed.

To the poster who feels she can't sleep next to her dh...why don't you sleep in the middle with baby on the outside?


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
our son thinks it's some kind of game he is somehow part of and he keeps running in and out of bedroom playing hide and seek - it's halarious! He keeps brining all kinds of books and toys and tries to entertain us while we are having sex.

ROTFLMAO... :LOL :LOL :LOL
Way to find a way to do it, mama!


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## achintyasamma (Aug 4, 2004)

yep...we have sex with the baby in the bed too. i'm glad we're not the only ones. i had read a thread earlier where no one even mentioned this so i started wondering. we have a small 1 bedroom den apt with a roommate living in the den so we don't have many options (although we did do it in the living room once when we knew our roommate wasn't going to be home).


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## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

I am the only whos sex life sucks so kicking my kid out wouldn't matter. Though now husband claims its because son is in our bed, yeah right. Then he claims guys lose it married for so long.

I am unhappy about it when I start thinking about it but cannot change it and have pretty much given up.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

--how full on co-sleeping parents still have a healthy sex life with thier partner???

well there's the floor, the bathroom counter, the bathroom floor, the bath-tub, the shower, the office, the chair in the office.....







:










-- as much as I am into AP parenting, I am also into keeping my marraige healthy...

i don't think these are mutually exclusive (healthy partnership / attachment parenting).








my daughter is fully breastfed, slung, and (usually exclusively) cloth-diapered, and we co-sleep... and we still manage to take care of ourselves + each other.

i think it's just a matter of finding a balance that works for everyone.









eta ~ i'm suprised at how similar my response was to some (a lot!) of you all









and also, i must add that since we moved our bed (it's a futon) out to the front room, our bed has lost it's sensuality for me ~ i literally cannot get aroused in my bed anymore.







so really, finding other places has become kind of a necessity for me. (i know this is a totally psychological thing for me too ~ it's hard for me to get aroused in the place where our company sits during the day... including my dad... it just feels weird.)


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
All right, you asked for it! :LOL

When we happen to do it (usually once a month), it's usually during the day and our DS is usually up







We just "mess" around in our bed, naked of course, and our son thinks it's some kind of game he is somehow part of and he keeps running in and out of bedroom playing hide and seek - it's halarious! He keeps brining all kinds of books and toys and tries to entertain us while we are having sex. It's kind of hard to have sex when you laughing really hard :LOL









ok I am so glad we aren't the only one's who do this.
Ya'know this isn't uncommon trhough out history. When people lived in tents and one room houses and caves, they had sex infront of their children. In fact there are some schools of thought that believe that if children don't see this they are missing out on a part of development. I personally don't know if I would go that far, but I feel ok with my DD seeing us interact in this way. We do have the sheets pulled over the "main stuff going on". But to me it's natural thing, a part of life.

Courtney

PS I know this thread is old but i have been wondering if anyone else was like us so i did a search, and sure enough there are pople like us.


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## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

I do wanna say something though. When I was a teenager my sister used to have sex with her boyfriend in the same room I slept in. I don't remember how old I was, I think about 13 or 14 and they would do it in the middle of night and it would wake me up and since I knew what they were doing I felt ashamed to "interrupt" them. But I did "suffer". And it did "damage" me in a way. Perhpas if I was a teenage boy I'd enjoy it, but I HATED it. It happened only couple of times, but it really left scar in me. Then few years later, we moved and my mom was having sex with her presnet husband in next room and I could hear it and again, I heard it every night and it was very distressing fom me. Again, I don't know why, it's just the way I felt. I was afraid to tell her and one time I took sleeping bag and went to the kitchen and slept on the floor so I would not hear them. She found me there, and I told her, crying.

Again, when I think about it now, 20 years later, I don't know how I felt that way. Perhaps it was the age, or the fact my mom was divorced to my dad for not too long after that happen and I could not stand her having sex with someone else.


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5*
What we do is put the baby to sleep in our bed and then head back out to the living room for grown up time. There are many other places in the house to have sex, and we've utilized most, if not all of them. The couch, the bathtub, the balcony outside...









At least for our family, co-sleeping doesn't seem to hurt our sex life.

Big FAT ditto! Except we don't have a balcony and the bath tub is a lil to small for dh to fit into. Our favorite place is the living room floor!


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
I do wanna say something though. When I was a teenager my sister used to have sex with her boyfriend in the same room I slept in. I don't remember how old I was, I think about 13 or 14 and they would do it in the middle of night and it would wake me up and since I knew what they were doing I felt ashamed to "interrupt" them. But I did "suffer". And it did "damage" me in a way. Perhpas if I was a teenage boy I'd enjoy it, but I HATED it. It happened only couple of times, but it really left scar in me. Then few years later, we moved and my mom was having sex with her presnet husband in next room and I could hear it and again, I heard it every night and it was very distressing fom me. Again, I don't know why, it's just the way I felt. I was afraid to tell her and one time I took sleeping bag and went to the kitchen and slept on the floor so I would not hear them. She found me there, and I told her, crying.

Again, when I think about it now, 20 years later, I don't know how I felt that way. Perhaps it was the age, or the fact my mom was divorced to my dad for not too long after that happen and I could not stand her having sex with someone else.

I do think as a teenager it is diffrent then fomr a 2 year old. By the time you are really coming into your own sexuality and being exposed to that of your parents or siblings can be traumatic. At that point I wouldn't do it. in fact we we will cut off from doing things in front of her I don't know around 5 or 6. I imagine. Maybe younger.

I caughte my brother having sex when i was about 11. i was not scarred or even scared(of the actual sex). I was just afraid he'd get up and beat me up ( not entirely literal there)

Courtney


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## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

Just as everyone else has said - other places. Although, I have to admit, sometimes I'd like to just have sex then fall asleep in eachothers arms for the night...like we did that one night pre-dd when ds was at a sleepover. LOL


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

You don't.

Seriously, though, you don't. :LOL

Okay, honestly, our sex life has changed dramatically since our first was born and joined us in the big bed. Now, we have two with us. I think it bothered us both more in the beginning, but now, just know that we're in this marriage for the long haul and that the sexual side of our relationship ebbs and flows. And the time when the kids are little will really be just a small ebb in the big scheme of things.

Okay, and we got a pull-out sofa for a spare room. Now, if we could only make it into that room more often...


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bearsmama*
You don't.

Seriously, though, you don't. :LOL

hey, speak for yourself.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

klothos-Ahhh, sex. A distant memory for me...Okay, it's not that distant. Didn't you notice the clearly bouncy happy face? :LOL


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## orangebird (Jun 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama*
Not to knock you for asking, but I always wonder about the capacity of people's imaginations who ask this question. As PP's have attested, the bed is most certainly not the only place for action to occur!

Or the night time right before bed, is that the only time most of y'all have sex? I prefer the afternoon myself. Once I've gotten up, feel clean, have had coffee, that is when I am most likely to say OK to sex.

But seriously, when the baby was tiny we would just do it with him in the bed or next to it. Otherwise we usually would do it while he was playing or in a different room from wherever he was napping. I don't really see how co-sleeping effects sex life any more than your baby sleeping in a different room. It seems if you are up and down all night feeding a baby who sleeps in a different room you would be more tired the rest of the time and it seems that would affect your sex life more, YK?


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## orangebird (Jun 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yin Yang*
All right, you asked for it! :LOL

When we happen to do it (usually once a month), it's usually during the day and our DS is usually up







We just "mess" around in our bed, naked of course, and our son thinks it's some kind of game he is somehow part of and he keeps running in and out of bedroom playing hide and seek - it's halarious! He keeps brining all kinds of books and toys and tries to entertain us while we are having sex. It's kind of hard to have sex when you laughing really hard :LOL









This happens to us sometimes too. With the toddler though not the 12 year old :LOL He runs in and out showing us things and we basically just try to keep the more graphic stuff hidden under the covers


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## my2girlsmama (Oct 21, 2004)

Well, we put dd in her crib and enjoy our time in our bed alone, or usually we just end up in living room.........sex is fun in other areas of house too.

We place her in her crib now that she is over 1 yr old and a horribly tossy-tunrny kind of sleeper...dangerous. So she needs to be within a safety area. But prior to her crawling/moving, we just did the same or popped her in our bed and went wherever.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

the dogs are really more of a problem for us. they're always staring at us when we try to do it in other parts of the house. it's creepy. LOL


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Our sex life was actually boring before we had dd because we only did it in the bed. Now we do it all over the place.







You just gotta get creative.


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