# Can i disclipine my MIL?!



## Brojakee (Jul 14, 2006)

I am more furious than i have ever been in my life. My poor DD(3) is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to potty training. If she has an accident she cries and cries and cries, which i have always reassured her that it was no problem, and i am very proud of how well she is doing, accidents happen.

We went to IL's to pick up somethign for DH, my DD said "mommy i really really need to go potty" In laws house is about 45 minutes away from ours so i knew she probably really had to go. Here is the conversation that happened"

MIL: Brooklin you need to ask me if you can use the potty, this is my house not your mothers.
(brooklin looks confused)
Me: Please just let her go, she has had a long car trip.
MIL: No she will learn to respect me in my home, or she won't be welcome to use any of the facilities.(SERIOUSLY!) (YELLING) ASK ME PLEASE NOW!
DD: (starts crying) I have to go peepee, please gramma.
MIL: Say "Gramma can i please use yoru potty?"
DD: starts crying hysterically and i feel a warm wet spot--

No we will never step foot in her home again. No i couldn't have just taken her, the bathroom is where she shuts her VICIOUS dog in. This dog has bitten me and cause stitches, the dog goes after the kids if he see them. What should I do? I want to let them all have it, including DH for not saying anything(hasn't cut the apron strings yet). I am so angry and sad for DD who was humilited and bullied, and had a accident







DD kept saying I"m sorry mommy, i'm sorry to peepee on you. I was near tears myselfa nd kept telling her i didnt mind, she peepeed on me when she was a little baby, which she tho ught was hysterical. After i got her changed gramma had a towel ready for DD to go clean up her puddle, i todl gramma she could go f*** herself. NOt my brightest moment, but anyway. Do i email, do i say anything else what do i do?


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Honestly, I think you should never have gone there ever again after having been bitten by the dog. I think it's really wrong to bring a child into a home with a vicious dog. I am sure your DH insisted that you give the house another try, though, so I can understand, but please just stay away from now on. How scary!

Next, your MIL's behavior was HORRID. What a selfish, thoughtless, poor excuse for a biological-grandmother. No, I don't think you should apologize AT ALL. If anything, send her a curt e-mail telling her that from now on, you and your children will never be visiting her house. If she would like to visit, she can do so at your home or at some other neutral location that you find suitable. Also, when she visits, she had better do so with respect and without hurting DD's feelings, or else those visits will also be curtailed.

Blech. I can't imagine how horrible it would feel to have a grandmother who made me feel like crap. Powertrip anyone?







:


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
NOt my brightest moment, but anyway. Do i email, do i say anything else what do i do?

I don't even know you, but that moment actually made me proud of you.







I think you did great. Hopefully, MIL will actually learn something from that. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.


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## G-Mama (Sep 2, 2004)

Un-frikkin-believable.

No advice- can't even imagine what I'd do if anyone spoke that way to me or my kids.

Hugs to you and your dd. Grrrrrr to your MIL.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Ugh. Can you imagine what kind of mother she must have been?


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I don't even know you, but that moment actually made me proud of you.







I think you did great. Hopefully, MIL will actually learn something from that. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.









Me too! I don't know you either, but I am proud!

Your poor sweet dd. I hope she's feeling better.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

I cannot believe your MIL did that!!!!
And you really told her to go f herself??!!









I am soooo sorry that you and your dd had that terrible experience.

My MIL has done some really B*&chy things, but nothing that terrible. I have many issues with my MIL and DH has not cut the apron strings either. He does not like to stick up to her. When our DS was 2 months old my MIL tried to convince my husband to leave me, because I stuck up to her after she yelled at us for 20 minutes. I hadn't even said anything bad to her, just basically told her to stop yelling at us. She told him that she couldn't believe he would stay with a woman who disrespected her!!

She and DH did go to a little bit of counseling together a couple years ago, and it really helped a lot. DH finally got a chance to tell his mom how her actions make him feel, because he felt safe in the therapists office. I don't know if that is something that your DH and MIL would even consider, but I bet it would do wonders for the situation. It is really frustrating when your dh wont take care of his own crazy family!









I would not ever go over there again, especially because of the big dog. If it were me I would also limit access to my kids until she was ready to agree to some ground rules, like to respect when your DC need to use the bathroom. What she did is pretty creepy and sadistic. Just plain weird! I felt so bad for your DD when I was reading your post.

If she did this then what else is she going to do?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I think "Go EFF yourself" was the only possible and reasonable response to that situation, frankly.

Oh, and neither you nor DD should ever set foot in their house again. Nor would such a vicious and abusive person be welcome in my home.


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## MommaLyon (Apr 11, 2007)

First, what the hell!!! I would have punched her for the way she treated your dd. So give yourself a pat on the back for only saying go f yourself! I am stunned that people actually behave this way...holy crap.

Second, your husband needs to defend you and HIS daughter. Good grief!

Finally, lots of hugs to you lady...you are a good woman for having so much control of yourself.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
I think "Go EFF yourself" was the only possible and reasonable response to that situation, frankly.

Oh, and neither you nor DD should ever set foot in their house again. Nor would such a vicious and abusive person be welcome in my home.









:

I'm stunned. Protect your baby and yourself.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

OMFG - Seriously, I think what you said to her was nice, considering what a complete and utter *%&#($ she was. I would never go to her home again, nor have her over to mine.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a real heart to heart talk about her behavior.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Seriously







: How dare her treat your daughter that way!!!!! Not cool at all, and she really felt no remorse, nothing??!? I just don't get how people can be so mean. HUGE HUGS to you and your sweet little girl, my god, she's still a baby, If I keep typing it will be a big ramble!! TG she has a good mommy who sticks up for her! Unfreeking believable














:


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

What do you do?

"Dh, I will not go to your mother's house again, nor will dd. Not after being bitten by her dog and not after the way that she treated dd and me today. Apparently, hearing the 'right' words is more important to her than our daughter's well being.

Your mom is welcome here, as long as it's a short visit."

Do you talk to MIL about it? Only if she asks why you don't visit any more. In a week, write out what you want to say. It'll take you that long to be mildly calm. Take out the note when she calls.

Dh can go visit himself if he needs to. No way, no how would my kids go visit that woman.


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

That was beyond awful. I never had to ASK to sue the bathroom at my grandparents house ( still don't) and none of the grandchildren do at my parents house either.


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## BowenTherapist (Apr 25, 2002)

ok, so i don't really have anything intelligent to say, but couldn't read this and not give a hug to you and your dd















really, i am so glad you told her to f' herself! i can't believe a gramma would do that, especially after a long car ride and a potty training 3 yr old

karma will be back at her when she is in a nursing home one day...


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

:

I live with an incontinent grandparent- sometimes things come around quicker than you think.

Personally, I think that she'll interpret any further contact on your part either as an apology or as you fishing for an apology. I would just keep the phone unplugged until you calm down, and speak eloquently but non-profanely at that point. The only other thing you could have done would have been to take your daughter back outside and let her use the gutter/ a potty next to the care and shame your MIL in front of the whole neighbourhood.
I don't know about other people, but my 3 year olds have generally needed help in the toilet with handwashing, getting up and down, etc. The way your MIL reacted was bizarre in the extreme.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
I live with an incontinent grandparent- sometimes things come around quicker than you think.






















































































:l ol


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## pixiesmommy (Apr 19, 2007)

I just wanted to send you hugs. That was beyond awful- that was abuse. Kudos to you for sticking up for your poor baby!!!
This thread literally has me in tears- and it's not just the pregnancy hormones.

You're doing the right thing by not going back. Believe me- someone who was verbally abused as a child- children don't forget. If you go back, you are condoning this abuse. I still have a hard time with my relationship with my mom for the things she let other people say to me when I was very little. It sticks. It hurts, and it doesn't ever leave your memory







:

You did the right thing.
Manda


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## FireFrog (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
After i got her changed gramma had a towel ready for DD to go clean up her puddle, i todl gramma she could go f*** herself.


















You go, mama! Like others have said, I am proud of you for standing up to her!

I had a friend do something similar to my DD when she was that age and I never allowed them to be alone with DD ever again. Just because they share some DNA does not mean your MIL should be treated any differently then my ex-friend.

I say, cut her off. And if DH won't get behind you, do it for him. Your DD needs to know that SOMEONE will be protecting her from abusive people.


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

I am so, so sad for your little one after reading that. That is just awful.

I have no advice (I'm sure great advice has already been given). I have never heard of anybody demanding a child request permission from the owner of the potty. How weird.

Give your little sweetie some extra snuggles to try to take the sting out of that bad experience.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
MIL: Brooklin you need to ask me if you can use the potty, this is my house not your mothers.
(brooklin looks confused)
Me: Please just let her go, she has had a long car trip.
MIL: No she will learn to respect me in my home, or she won't be welcome to use any of the facilities.(SERIOUSLY!) (YELLING) ASK ME PLEASE NOW!
DD: (starts crying) I have to go peepee, please gramma.
MIL: Say "Gramma can i please use yoru potty?"
DD: starts crying hysterically and i feel a warm wet spot--











This is physical abuse and it is beyond words HORRIBLE. What posesses some people????

You are seriously AWESOME for telling MIL where she could stuff that behavior. And good decision to never go back. More people should be so strong with abusive relatives!!!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)




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## DoulaClara (Jan 3, 2006)

: Poor baby. I agree with the PPs- way to go for telling her off. And good for you for not ever going there again- no one can protect your little girl right now except for you and your DH- she's just not big enough to keep herself away from toxic situations.

I wouldn't even give her the satisfaction of an email. DH or you can verbally tell her that you simply are finished, you will not go there again, and it's not up for discussion. Be strong, mama!

Clara


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

How awful!!

If your MIL wants to see the kids she can visit you on your terms. But no way would I take the kids to her house again.


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## Vypros (Apr 10, 2007)

Wow...just...wow.

I'd have her committed. And I'm only partially joking.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I can hardly think of a thing to say that doesn't violate the UA.







: Yikes. I hope you don't let her make any more contact with your DD, and that DD knows that what MIL did was mean, cruel, and horrible.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I wouldn't visit or run errands for dp over there. If asked, I would simply say that under no circumstances will you visit a home where the bathroom is not available at all times and without question to all guests.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Holy UAV Batman! I am not a bit into condoning cursing at people, but in this case, I'm applauding you! What a crazy, jacked-up woman.

I say that when she's over for her short, supervised visits, you make her ask to use the bathroom, the sink, the chair....

"Um, MIL, before you sit down on that chair, you have to ask me for permission. You need to learn to respect me in my home."


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## stellimamo (Jan 9, 2006)

OP Your post made me cry. I feel so bad for your dd. My dd is a huge perfectionist when it comes to the potty so I totally understand that. DD cries that she pottied on Elmo and made him sad. It truely so sad to see a child upset with them selves.

I think you did the right thing by telling MIL to go F herself I probably would have done that and possible done something more physical... But then again I have a super short fuse when it comes to stuff like that. I rhink its high time to have a long chat w/ your dh about your MILs behavior. He needs to back 100% in this matter.

Good job for standing up to your MIL and letting her have it.

Next time MIL is over make her ask for permission to use the restroom. I think I might even lock it so she had to ask...


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## mamatojade (Jun 2, 2004)

This makes me so sad. What has your dh said about this?


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DoulaClara* 







: Poor baby. I agree with the PPs- way to go for telling her off. And good for you for not ever going there again- *no one can protect your little girl right now except for you and your DH-* she's just not big enough to keep herself away from toxic situations.

*I wouldn't even give her the satisfaction of an email.* DH or you can verbally tell her that you simply are finished, you will not go there again, and it's not up for discussion. Be strong, mama!

Clara

(Bolding Mine)








:

I don't think you need to explain yourself to your MIL. I wouldn't email or call. If she calls you
and wants an explanation, I would have your DH reply to her. It would personally take me
sometime before I would calm down enough to have a productive conversation with a person
who treated my dd like this. *Her* actions are beyond psychotic. By NO means is this an issue
that can be ignored, and there needs to be serious consequences for your MIL's actions.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I don't even know you, but that moment actually made me proud of you.







I think you did great. Hopefully, MIL will actually learn something from that. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.









actually i spontaneously cheered when you told your mil exactly what she could do with her towell.


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## living_organic (Sep 25, 2006)

You did exactly the right thing!!!

I wouldn't go back till she apologizes nicely to you and your dd!

And tell her so! Oh, you should also add the bit a pp said about Karma and Nursing Homes!


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

You go mama - I think the f**** yourself was warranted and quite honestly I'm not sure i would have kept it to that!! I would not call, email, visit or anything else - she should ask if you would accept her apology - not sure if that is even enough - honestly, your poor sweet dd, give her an extra hug from me and mine.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I like to see try to see the good in things (not always good at that myself) but in this case... it seems fantastic that you now have a solid, clear-cut reason for distancing yourself from this woman (and I'm sure it's not the only reason...). It sounds like this distance may be a great relief to you and a means of enhancing your life and your daughter's life (and hopefully your husband's too since you and your daughter will probably be happier and less stressed!)!!! I hope your MIL eventually improves... but as someone with a problematic MIL myself... distance can be a blessing.


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## sandy'smama (Oct 16, 2005)

I am speechless.
I'd never go back there after such a terrible treatment!
If she needs to practice parenting skills and teach anyone respect she should start with herself and her dog!








to you and your poor DD


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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)

Big hugs to your poor little girl and to you too. I totally agree with everyone else. Don't ever go back and don't email her. You don't owe her an explanation or an apology or even telling her off. Screen your calls. Don't talk to her until you are ready and even then tell her that due to her behavior, you can't do what ever it is she is calling about.

You absolutely did the right thing! Stay strong and keep your precious baby safe.


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## rileysmommy (Dec 11, 2004)

wow.
i don't even know what to say.

how can a person be so horrible, so hateful and do cruel to a small child!
just dreadful.
poor kid.
wow!

no, i'd never go back.

the afact that your sweet girl held it for a 45 minute ride! just amazing! and to have her gramma just stomp all over that? ugh what a nasty human, evil in fact!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

omfg!


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

here is how the conversation ought to have gone:

DD "mommy i really really need to go potty"
MIL (discretely to you so as not to embarrass dd) "does she want to go on a potty or on the toilet, if the toilet i will take out my big nasty dog which i am incidentally re-homing for the protection of my grandchildren"
YOU "thank you she usually goes on the..."
MIL makes appropriate arrangements for DD
DD comfortably goes to the toilet
MIL gives her a big hug "wow you are getting so grown up well done"


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Wow. I would have smacked the ish out of her. I can't even express how utterly pissed i would have been at this woman. Please never subject your dd to her ever again under any circumstances.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Forty two posts & not one saying you were out of line for cursing at your MIL. I think that should tell you something. If anyone had ever treated Joe like that, they'd be out. of. his. life. Permanently. I am really glad that you are taking this so seriously, & that you defended your daughter. I can't imagine what she must have been feeling. Grandmas are not supposed to be so mean.


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## Sheal (Apr 19, 2007)

In all my young years I've never, ever seen a bio family member or anyone else for that matter treat a child in such a manner. How deplorable that her own gma would ever think she could do something like that to her.

She obviously has no concept of the fact that a child who needs to go just has to go. The bathroom use is not a question of asking and respecting (especially a family member) the person you are asking. If she wants to teach her grandchild respect how about she dole out the respect for her grandchild and family members first before even asking anyone for respect.

It's the old adage: to get respect, one must give it!

That was the most disgusting story of disrespect and tactlessness I've ever read in my life!

I hope your DD is feeling better and you handled it so much better than I would have, I would have knocked her lights out (and I'm not one for violence because violence begets violence).

Her actions remind me very much of a power trip on her part and more in the way of trying to use your DD to get at you, or at least from what you describe that is how it seems. If she can't control you directly she is trying to control you through your DD.

Hugs mama, you did the right thing!

ETA: joesmom - that's 43 posts now!!!


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

Weird sadistic behavior from Gma. Excellent response to her. I would leave it at that.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen a multiple-page thread on MDC where *every single poster* agreed. Add me to the list -- that woman is sadistic! I would just completely ignore her, and if she calls you then lay down the rules -- visits should only take place in your home from now on so that you control the environment.

Show your DH this thread if he needs some outside perspective on the matter. I know it's really really hard to go against your mother, but he's your DD's daddy now, and she needs someone to protect her from cruelty, no matter the source.

Good luck to your family.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Any updates? I'm dying to hear what MIL comes up with when she calls DH to complain.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I don't even know you, but that moment actually made me proud of you.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
I think "Go EFF yourself" was the only possible and reasonable response to that situation, frankly.

Oh, and neither you nor DD should ever set foot in their house again. Nor would such a vicious and abusive person be welcome in my home.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *BowenTherapist* 
really, i am so glad you told her to f' herself! i can't believe a gramma would do that, especially after a long car ride and a potty training 3 yr old

karma will be back at her when she is in a nursing home one day...

What they said!!!!!

Unbelievable. I would not apologize. I would expect an apology FROM HER! And even then, I would limit contact severely. What a sad excuse for a gramma. I hope your dd has other grandmotherly types in her life - if not, find her some. Your MIL is terrible. So sad.

I'm really proud of you - I had been reading through your original post, horrified, chin on the floor... until I got to the part where you told her off, then I smiled. Good for you for standing up for your dd!!

What did your dp do? Has he talked to her since? He really needs to be as outraged as you are. My dp would have walked right past her on the way to take dd to the bathroom, regardless of ridiculous conversations like the one she was trying to have. The vicious dog is bad enough, but to add this type of sadistic (insert UAV here......)

I agree with a PP - what a perfect reason to be done with her.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

Your pour dd. I can remember being about 2 1/2 or 3, just potty learning. I really had to go and my grandfather wouldn't get out of the bathroom. He had been in there a long time. I wet my pants and he yelled at me. It's one of those memories that really stuck with me. It's an awful thing to do to a child.


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

Wow! I can't believe your MIL did that. A big







to your DD, good for you for standing up for her!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
What do you do?

"Dh, I will not go to your mother's house again, nor will dd. Not after being bitten by her dog and not after the way that she treated dd and me today. Apparently, hearing the 'right' words is more important to her than our daughter's well being.

Your mom is welcome here, as long as it's a short visit."

I think this is a great way to handle it.


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## leelee2 (May 18, 2006)

Wow, that's just MEAN for anyone to treat a child like that, especially a grandmother. I think maybe you could send her this thread just to show her how rude and inconsiderate she really was!
lisa


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## gibsonsmom (May 21, 2004)

As with everyone else, I totally agree and support you on this. Your MIL is a child abuser, period. Not allowing a child to use the bathroom, at will, is abusive, especially when they are just learning. What a control freak.

There is just no excuse or rationalization for her behavior adn I don't think you need to tell her anything if you dont want to, tell your DH what happened and make him deal with his mother.

Walk away from it, you don't need that kind of toxicity in your life. I am also going through MIL issues so I'm bias.

Good luck!


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## Brojakee (Jul 14, 2006)

Thank you all for the support, its so nice since DH doens't support me whenever i try to tell him how his mother is, or say anything against her.

Just to make it more clear, since i left that part out of OP: DH and the boys were in the front yard with his dad, i walked in to let her know we were here to get the paperwork DH needed. Dh and the boys didn't come in until i was in teh kitchen cleaning DD up. And she isn't biological--DH is adopted, thank the lord because i am not sure i coudl deal with anyone that came from MIL's genepool.

I decided not to speak/email her because i know that she feeds off of it, and i wanted to have the exact right thing to say to her. So i let it go, and she showed up at my house this morning. She wanted to know why i didn't call her and check on her after her last dr. appointment. So here is how this conversation went.

(I was in teh front yard, getting ready to walk my dog whenever she pulled up).

MIL: You are the most disrespectful peice of white trash i have ever met you owe me an apology.
Me: Get out of my yard, and go home Brenda i want nothing more to do with you, and my kids will have nothing else to do with you, because you are mean, spiteful, and you DISRESPECT my children.
MIL: Is this the way you to talk your elders?
Me: Just because you are older than me doesn't mean you get to act however you want, and that i will let you abuse and humiliate my children. So again get out of my yard, and don't come back.
MIL: Brian(my DH) will not ahve you treating me like this, he will not have it, if he has to choose between me and you, trust me he will choose his mother.
(Meanwhile DH came outside to and was waiting around the corner listening, while the kids were inside with my mother)
Me: Neither of us would win, because he will choose his daughter.
MIL: You are not good enough to shine Brians shoes, and your daughter would not have pissed all over herself like a sniffling little baby if she would have treated me the way a grandmother should be treated.
my DH: You will not come onto my property and insult my daughter. It takes a really big big person to insult a 3 year old. Get in your car, turn it on, go home, and never contact me or any other member of my family again. I choose my family. and he walked off.

I am so so proud of him for standing up to her, and he told me inside that he never wants her around the kids again. She is a child abuser and he will protect his children from her pyshocticness.

FIL send an apology email to me, brian and one to brooklin(through my email of course) and he came over on his lunch break today and brought her a dolly and said he was very sorry she was treated that way. and that anytime she wanted to visit she was more than welcome. Though that won't happen it was nice of him i guess, although i do think he has alterior motives to get me to l et the kids go out there. Anyway sorry for the huge rambling post and thank you smuch for all of yoru support, it means alot!


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## KermitMissesJim (Feb 12, 2004)

You must be so proud of your dh, and relieved that he's on your side and willing to be proactive in getting her out of your lives.

I am so sad for your dd in the original incident, though.







:


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## mamatojade (Jun 2, 2004)

Wow! I can't believe that she turned up and behaved like that. Can she truly not see how she is wrong her. I am glad that your FIL is recognising your DD's hurt and is being so sweet.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

Your DH is a rock star for the way he handled that. Good on all of you. Your MIL goes beyond toxic; she is a flat-out abuser and should frankly never be permitted to be around any children, much less ones she is nominally related to. Good lord.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
my DH: You will not come onto my property and insult my daughter. It takes a really big big person to insult a 3 year old. Get in your car, turn it on, go home, and never contact me or any other member of my family again. I choose my family. and he walked off.

That made me cry, seriously. GOOD for your husband. I am really glad that he stood up to his mother. Your daughter is lucky to have TWO parents who stand up for her rights.

Your FIL sounds sweet- unless he does have ulterior motives... I hope your MIL leaves you in peace now. She sounds about as toxic as anyone I've ever heard of.


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## ashleyhaugh (Jun 23, 2005)

she sounds AWFUL.... im sorry your dd had to go through that, but the way you and your dh stood up to her is wonderful. she sounds seriously crazy

and for what its worth, never in my life have i had to ask permission to use the bathroom at a family members house- or even a friends house. the only time i "ask" is when im at a new place, and dont really know the people, and even that is more of a "can you tell me where it is" kinda thing


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I am totally flabbergasted at the response you got from her. This woman has some serious problems, and I'm glad your husband grew some balls and stood up to her. I could only wish that my husband would do the same my passive aggressive MIL.

I was also wondering if you somehow let your 3 year old know that what "g'ma" did was wrong, and that no one has the right to treat her that way, but I'm glad she got to get a dolly out of the whole incident. She deserves to know, even if it is a simplistic 3 year old way that this is not the way normal adults are supposed to act.

That lady is surely mental, and she doesn't need to be around children, period. I can only shudder to imagine what kind of mother she must have been.

P.S. Editing: I always thought my MIL was the worst one on earth, and every person I've ever met told stories of their MIL's that never added up to my own MIL....But that lady is a whole heck of a lot worst that my MIL.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Wow. That really takes the cake.






















For you, your poor sweet daughter, and your DH, who must be hurting. My DH has been through hell with his mom too and while he feels good about himself when he is assertive and firm, he also feels sad because at a deep level it hurts so badly for your mommy to treat you badly.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

your dd is lucky to have 2 such strong devoted parents, i feel a little sorry for your fil getting caught up in all this, he doesnt seem to be responsible for this but will suffer from being cut off from his grandchildren.

and your mil is just nuts.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaLyon* 
First, what the hell!!! I would have punched her for the way she treated your dd. So give yourself a pat on the back for only saying go f yourself! I am stunned that people actually behave this way...holy crap.

Second, your husband needs to defend you and HIS daughter. Good grief!

Finally, lots of hugs to you lady...you are a good woman for having so much control of yourself.









:

that is absoloutly appauling how your mil treated your dd, i too would never ever set foot in that house again







to you and your dd


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## Meredith&Alexander (May 23, 2005)

I admire your restraint in only telling her to eff off. I might have just dropped trou on the spot and made a bigger puddle than DD.

Your DH is a gem. Your daughter is lucky to have both of you.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:

Ugh. Can you imagine what kind of mother she must have been?
I can not imagine how she must have been treated when she was a child either.










Pat


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## Vortexing (May 11, 2006)

mama. Sounds like you handled it perfectly in my mind, even calmly compared to what stupid thing I probably would have done!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rhiannon Feimorgan* 
Your pour dd. I can remember being about 2 1/2 or 3, just potty learning. I really had to go and my grandfather wouldn't get out of the bathroom. He had been in there a long time. I wet my pants and he yelled at me. It's one of those memories that really stuck with me. It's an awful thing to do to a child.

This post made me think about how I really hope that your DD doesn't remember that humiliating experience when she's older.







I hope she's put it behind her!







: I'd consider talking to your DD about it just to make sure that she knows that it was not her fault and that it happens to the best of us (particularly when we're preggo














. I'd hate for her to think that the experience was at all her fault and she seems pretty sensitive about that sort of thing.


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## Vortexing (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meredith&Alexander* 
I admire your restraint in only telling her to eff off. I might have just dropped trou on the spot and made a bigger puddle than DD.


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

I've got to say, afte the first part of the story, I did think it was a truly awful thing, but was wondering if grandma needed to be completely banned. I had little thoughts of "maybe grandma was having an off day; maybe if you guys could all discuss it she might see the light and understand how wrong she was, etc.". But after reading your update, I can see how wrong I was. I really does not sound like there is any hope there that she will ever have any respect for children, so best to cut ties now. She sounds like a truly awful person (and narcissistic to, I'm thinking, based on how she thought you guys should be so worried about her health problems or whatever)


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

for your DH and







for you


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

She, in essence, wanted your DD to beg her to use the potty?! F that, indeed! I'd never speak to that bag again.







:


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
i told gramma she could go f*** herself. NOt my brightest moment, but anyway. Do i email, do i say anything else what do i do?

good for you!!!! way to stand up for your dd!! i think that's a perfectly bright moment and you should be proud!


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I think you handled it very well, and with more restraint than I would have. And your DH was wonderful.

My only question would be, has she always been like this? Sometimes increased aggression is a sign of illness with the elderly. If this was totally out of character, then she really should see a doctor. Maybe you could make this suggestion to your FIL if you think it's appropriate.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

You might as well mark the day on the calandar, because if you are anything like me, you will look on that moment as the most changing moment in your relationship with your husband. It isn't even that you know where he stands, because I knew that he was my partner for life and he considered us his family, it is that she finally understands it and he found the courage to stand up and say it. The last vestige of his boyhood is now gone. Even if she tries to pull crap, it will never, ever have the same impact on him and she will never get that control back again.

I am sad for you guys that you lost any hope of a healthy relationship with her, and your dh will probably grieve the loss at times, but he will also now start to be able to heal and bond with you in a way he was unable to before.

A new era has begun. I celebrate for you.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Wow! How wonderful of your DH! Bravo to him.

(((hugs))) to you and your DD...I'm so sorry she was treated like that. Totally, 100% unacceptable.

Yikes. My MIL might be a witch sometimes but at least she 'gets' kids for the most part...She would never dream of raising her voice to James unless he were doing something dangerous...and that would be more of a panic deal than an anger deal...(((hugs))) to you.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

1. Don't apologize. Why should you? Your MIL is abusive and treated your daughter like crap. She really does need to F-off.

2. You should have reported the vicious dog. Seriously. It needs to be destroyed.

3. Your husband needs to tell his mother off royally. He also, if he were my husband, would not be seeing her again. I hate to sound so controlling. But, if my mother treated my husband and child like that, I would not see her, and neither would my children. Ever. If my husband chose to see such a person, I would do my utmost to make sure HIS time with the children was limited once I served him with divorce papers.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
Thank you all for the support, its so nice since DH doens't support me whenever i try to tell him how his mother is, or say anything against her.

Just to make it more clear, since i left that part out of OP: DH and the boys were in the front yard with his dad, i walked in to let her know we were here to get the paperwork DH needed. Dh and the boys didn't come in until i was in teh kitchen cleaning DD up. And she isn't biological--DH is adopted, thank the lord because i am not sure i coudl deal with anyone that came from MIL's genepool.

I decided not to speak/email her because i know that she feeds off of it, and i wanted to have the exact right thing to say to her. So i let it go, and she showed up at my house this morning. She wanted to know why i didn't call her and check on her after her last dr. appointment. So here is how this conversation went.

(I was in teh front yard, getting ready to walk my dog whenever she pulled up).

MIL: You are the most disrespectful peice of white trash i have ever met you owe me an apology.
Me: Get out of my yard, and go home Brenda i want nothing more to do with you, and my kids will have nothing else to do with you, because you are mean, spiteful, and you DISRESPECT my children.
MIL: Is this the way you to talk your elders?
Me: Just because you are older than me doesn't mean you get to act however you want, and that i will let you abuse and humiliate my children. So again get out of my yard, and don't come back.
MIL: Brian(my DH) will not ahve you treating me like this, he will not have it, if he has to choose between me and you, trust me he will choose his mother.
(Meanwhile DH came outside to and was waiting around the corner listening, while the kids were inside with my mother)
Me: Neither of us would win, because he will choose his daughter.
MIL: You are not good enough to shine Brians shoes, and your daughter would not have pissed all over herself like a sniffling little baby if she would have treated me the way a grandmother should be treated.
my DH: You will not come onto my property and insult my daughter. It takes a really big big person to insult a 3 year old. Get in your car, turn it on, go home, and never contact me or any other member of my family again. I choose my family. and he walked off.

I am so so proud of him for standing up to her, and he told me inside that he never wants her around the kids again. She is a child abuser and he will protect his children from her pyshocticness.

FIL send an apology email to me, brian and one to brooklin(through my email of course) and he came over on his lunch break today and brought her a dolly and said he was very sorry she was treated that way. and that anytime she wanted to visit she was more than welcome. Though that won't happen it was nice of him i guess, although i do think he has alterior motives to get me to l et the kids go out there. Anyway sorry for the huge rambling post and thank you smuch for all of yoru support, it means alot!


You should have called the police on her. She has no right to come to your home and say anything. I am also glad your DH supported you. If he hadn't, well....he would have deserved what he got from that.


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer Z* 
You might as well mark the day on the calandar, because if you are anything like me, you will look on that moment as the most changing moment in your relationship with your husband. It isn't even that you know where he stands, because I knew that he was my partner for life and he considered us his family, it is that she finally understands it and he found the courage to stand up and say it. The last vestige of his boyhood is now gone. Even if she tries to pull crap, it will never, ever have the same impact on him and she will never get that control back again.

I am sad for you guys that you lost any hope of a healthy relationship with her, and your dh will probably grieve the loss at times, but he will also now start to be able to heal and bond with you in a way he was unable to before.

A new era has begun. I celebrate for you.









What a beautiful post. Absolutely right.

Good for you for not e-mailing her/feeding her drama.

No contact, ever again.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Good going, both of you.

The only possible way you could have not told her to f off would have been if you'd already walked out the door before she had the chance to bring a towel.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Wow, that is one of the most riveting updates I've ever read here!

I just want to say how brilliant it was when you responded to her here. I actually got chills:

Quote:

MIL: Brian(my DH) will not ahve you treating me like this, he will not have it, if he has to choose between me and you, trust me he will choose his mother.
(Meanwhile DH came outside to and was waiting around the corner listening, while the kids were inside with my mother)
Me: Neither of us would win, because he will choose his daughter.
I think that response gave your dh the courage to stand up to his mother. I really think it did. It was the kind of answer that cuts the bull, kwim?

I also love your dh's response to his mom that went like "It takes a really big person to insult a 3 year old". Indeed.

As a pp said mark the date on the calendar and remember this as a turning point in your relationship. As awful as this was for you and your dd, it must have been terrible for your dh, to have his own mother behaving that way towards him. It was so brave of him to stand up for his family in the face of such dysfunction


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## Brojakee (Jul 14, 2006)

thanks mama, yes a new era has begun, one of peace and it is beautiful if i do say so myself









A little background on MIL: She has always been the most manipulative, controlling person i have ever met. She will not let anyone wear green in her hosue because she says it hurts her eyes. No kidding. She will tell you to leave, the first time i met her i wore a green shirt and she told me to leave or change my shirt. It has only gotten worse with the grandkids









Dh is sad, but he says mainly because he has never believed me that this is the way she acts, and he feels stupid for believing her. But also that his father is going to suffer because of his mother.

I did decide to call animal control on the dog, the bite happened a while ago but i know there are hospital records, from the stitches. I don't want her showing up here with her dog, she brought him to my home right after the bite so she could show me he wasn't mean. I am afraid she will do it again, and i can't chance that with how much the kids and i play outside and how much my dog is outside. DH fully agrees.


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## Margot Adler (Jun 2, 2007)

what a monster! i think you said it all when you told her to go f herself. i just don't think you can unlearn cruelty and what she did was cruel to your daughter.
so sorry that you have to deal with such a negative person in your life.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I was so moved by your story, both part 1 and part 2.







to you and especially your dd for having to experience such hatefulness. I loved how you and your husband stood up to your mil.

In case you haven't thought of it, I was thinking it might be good to bring the subject of that experience up with your dd on a few occassions, so that you can help her interpret such very confusing actions.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I might be inclined to get a PFA, if you think she really might come back, especially if she might come back with the dog.

FIL sounds like an okay dude, and if he really doesn't want to put up with her crap, he's a big boy and can get out. Maybe this'll help him take the initiative!


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## JessasMilkMama (Oct 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brojakee* 
After i got her changed gramma had a towel ready for DD to go clean up her puddle, i todl gramma she could go f*** herself.











Grandma would have to do a complete change of character for her to ever see my kid again. I'm sure most people here can remember a time they were humiliated or bullied and it sticks with you. It needs to be nipped in the bud NOW. Also a serious talk with your DH about your daughters needs and how you want to raise her, because being around a grandma like that is not what I call healthy.

Now I have to read ahead.


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## JessasMilkMama (Oct 24, 2004)

Having read ahead, I agree with everyone applauding you and your dh! That was great that he stood up to her! She seems like a horrible, crazy person!!


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## FireFrog (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer Z* 
You might as well mark the day on the calandar, because if you are anything like me, you will look on that moment as the most changing moment in your relationship with your husband. It isn't even that you know where he stands, because I knew that he was my partner for life and he considered us his family, it is that she finally understands it and he found the courage to stand up and say it. The last vestige of his boyhood is now gone. Even if she tries to pull crap, it will never, ever have the same impact on him and she will never get that control back again.

I am sad for you guys that you lost any hope of a healthy relationship with her, and your dh will probably grieve the loss at times, but he will also now start to be able to heal and bond with you in a way he was unable to before.

A new era has begun. I celebrate for you.

Wow. Just wow. You so beautifully put into words what I have felt about my DH ever since he protected our family from his mother.

It is true -- I always *knew* my DH was strong, but when he stood up to his mother, I *felt* his strength. Truly wonderful.







:


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## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

Wow, can you PM me this woman's phone number so I can call her up and tell her to go F herself?? Seriously, your post has me so angry and sad. I can't imagine how it must have felt for your poor DD (and you, and your family) to be treated this way. I would have totally lost it on her.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Well I cheered when reading your update







: - great for you, great for dh and great for your family - well done all of you - give yourselves a







Granma sounds like a real nutcase







:


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

Brojakee said:


> i todl gramma she could go f*** herself. QUOTE]
> 
> thats putting it mildly. i would have wanted to punch her, i am sorry! that is cruel and also just plain STUPID! i am sorry that you and your daughter had to go through that. i would not go over there again for a LOOOONG time.


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## eviesingleton (Jan 18, 2007)

I am so happy you told her to f*ck off.

Asking permission to use the toilet!?!?!?!?!?!?!?








:


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## Teyu (Jun 10, 2007)

Good call on telling your MIL to f*ck off. I want to high five you through the screen for that! Your poor daughter.









I haven't read all 5 pages but I hope your MIL never sees your daughter again. I saw that you said that you aren't going over to her house anymore. I think that's a wise decision. That was some unnecessary bullying on your MIL's part and I wouldn't have my child anywhere near that.


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Wow, good for you telling her to F off and the whole second conversation was spectacular. Your DH was awesome too, I'm so glad he finally stood up to her!!!


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