# OK, how do these people find me? (depressing)



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

This is just too strange...

A couple months ago, I was settling this car accident thing and since it was in the records that I had been undergoing treatment for the accident while pregnant (lots of chiro), she just had to ask me, did we have a boy or a girl?

I answered her, "we had a little girl, and she died at birth"

And she starts in with the oh I'm so sorrys the oh-I-did'nt-knows of course- and then says, "I lost a baby myself. I don't think you ever get over it" and I'm just like, "what are the chances?" I'm just trying to take care of business, and this comes out of left field.

So a couple weeks ago, I had a bad sore thorat (ended up being tonsilitis, ugh) and had to go to the doctor. Questions were asked regarding this pregnancy and wether or not it was my first, and of course I said what had happened. So she starts asking me all these ?'s about how we're planning on doing it this time -"oh, how can you think of doing it out of a hospital?"- asking if I was in counseling, and I was like, "look, I don't know you but it seems like you are taking a greater interest in my business then I would expect from a doc I'm just seeing for a sore throat"... most people don't pry like she was prying!

That's when she stopped, got all pensive, and then told me of the 8 miscarriages and the 6-mo stillbirth she endured before she bore a live child... "and we did'nt even bury her, and I never dealt with the loss, I just wanted to move on..." she choked. Suddenly I understood... the baby had been 'disposed' of by the hospital... oh! And no one acknowledged that she lost a child. It made me too sad.

How awful that must be for her, I know things have changed in the 12 years since she lost that child and when I lost mine, and I am grateful for that. I don't even know if she got to hold her baby. She went on to say how hard it has been for her and that she did'nt want me to have to be as miserable as she was. I pointed out to her that times have changed and we were able to grieve our daughter as we would have any other beloved being. We also had a lot of love and support, and that helped as well...

I just thought that this was such an odd coincidence, has anyone else experienced this? XM


----------



## Chanley (Nov 19, 2001)

No but I am still getting congrats calls from uninformed folks who have "just heard the great news". Ugh!!! I want to rip thier heads off!

This is a sadness that is so often swept under the rug. I feel so alone in my grief as if I have no right to cry because everyone has just gone on wiht thier life while I have a dead baby waiting to be burried tomorrow. I dont want to move on, I want a baby. I want to be pregnant, I want a soft fuzzy little head to snuggle next to this spring. I dont want to "get over it" or look forward to the next one. I spent eight weeks of feeling like crap only to have an incredible amount of physical and emotional pain and no baby cutsie little baby.

I am sorry for the pain it must cause having this brought back into your life so often.

((((HUGS)))))


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh, Chanley, I am so sorry. You have every right to mourn your baby. You lost something precious, and dealing with that takes so much time and energy... it's hard work.

I did'nt mean to imply that having people share their stories brought me pain per se, it's just that these ladies and I are going about our days, and one simple question, "is this your first pregnancy?", brings the most painful memories to the forefront. It just kind of blindsides you, kind of like when you get those calls of congratulations. I guess I'm just still getting used to it.

XM


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

When I lost my last baby I was amazed at how many women I knew or met came out of the closet so to speak on lost babies. So many women had them & I had several cry on me about their abortions & their miscarriages. To me it was almost like they were experiencing some form of relief coming across someone who understood where they were coming from. It did freak me out at first whilst the pain was very raw but it helped as well as it made me feel not so alone. I certainly found them miles better than the "it was god's will" or "it was meant to be" brigade who I just felt like punching.

I think it is a massive problem in our society that we are not supposed to grieve our lost spirit babes as real people or not for long anyways. Then we're supposed to get over it. I read somewhere that the recommendation of waiting 3 months to ttc after a miscarriage is in fact so we can emotionally get over it - as if!

I s'pose too, like us, these women also liked a chance to talk about their babes to keep their memory alive. & maybe they also felt that we wouldn't give them the usual hurtful insensitive lines a lot of people do.


----------



## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

I too have had these sorts of experiences - maybe our receptiveness to our own experience shows on our faces? so others can connect with theirs?

or more likely we pick up on cues they have been giving out, waiting for someone who can hear what's underneath

the hospital I work at ( a large women's hospital) has several chaplains, wonderful compassionate women, who are often called upon to hold services for stillborn or other lost babies - one of them described to me one day how so often these services are healing ceremonies for the grandmas or other elderly relatives who never had a chance to grieve for their own lost babies, they were just waiting for someone who understood, sometimes it takes a really long time, but it's so important


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Yes, I used to think I had some kind of scent or something that other greiving mothers were drawn to.

I can't even tell you how many times this has come up in the 8+ years since I lost my daughter.

A few weeks ago I had a really weird encounter. Someone I see often at a shop said "I remember you, you lived in Oak Park and came to my garage sale. You bought all my daughers baby clothes".







I was totally floored by this! It had been over 9 years. But, I remember the garage sale and talking to this man about his daughter. It was really uncomfortable to tell him that she had died.

It seems things like this do creep up on us often. A friend of mine wrote a poem called 'The Motherhood Club' I've got to find it because it really summed this up well.

Chanley, thoes calls are so hard







. That's the kind of thing that makes many people NOT tell others when they're pregnant. I think they're really doing themselves an injustice though by greiving in silence.

Chanley, please take some time to remember your child you lost. Do you have a name for him/her? I always felt you were carrying a boy for some reason? We're they able to determin the sex? If not you could use a more generic name. Make some memories that you can use to remember this child. Maybe a special plant that reminds you of your pregnancy. You could plant a little garden in the baby's honor?

I'm currently involved in two organizations who work with hospitals and help them come up with rituals for mothers who have lost a child. It's taken me years to be ready to do this. I think it's so necessary though.

When I meet an older woman who was denied the opportunity to greive and is still carrying the pain in her heart - I know how important this is.

XM, I know this is a long and difficult pregnancy for you. Please know you can reach out here any time.


----------



## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

The simple fact of the matter is more children are lost due to umbilical cord accidents than from SIDS. While we are constantly hearing about SIDS we rarely hear about children who are stillborn or miscarried.

Society is just reaching the point where it is recognizing these as legitimate and very painful losses. In the middle ages children were not considered to have souls until they hit about age 8. Many children died before that age and I must assume this is some way of dealing with the constant losses.

While some SIDS research has been effective in lowering the numbers not nearly as much has been accomplished to reduce the number of miscarriages or stillbirths.

Isn't it 1 in 3 pregnancies result in live birth?? Or 1 in 4?? With those numbers it is obvious it is going on a lot more than we are hearing about. But I am glad it is getting better. I think the internet has done a lot for that. A lot more of us are able to reach out and find comfort when our own circle has asked us to "get over it" But we do not have to rely on just our own circle anymore and a lot of women are finding strength in that. I do not think without the internet the changes on the views would be happening.

Maybe us gen x'ers are doing some good after all...


----------



## gamrgrl (Jul 9, 2002)

I have discovered, since my loss, that many people I know have suffered a loss (mostly miscarriage, some stillbirth). It is truly sad how many women and families have to suffer the awfull pain of lossing a baby. Babies just aren't supposed to die! I also think it is sad how with so many of those people it is a "secret" something no one knows unless they suffer a loss themselves and that no one talks about. I will never allow my son to be a forbidden topic!


----------



## MysticHealerMom (Oct 7, 2002)

When I went to my cousins wedding, it was about 1 month after the edd. I didn't think about it, to me he was born on xmas. One of my younger cousins hadn't heard about the loss. Word doesn't always get around. And I didn't tell everyone, but my mom and gma did. She said "How's the baby?" And I was feeling ok, and this was a wedding and I didn't want to share my pain, anyway. So I said, "It didn't happen". And she freaked out. "OH!! I didn't know! I didn't know!" So I had to comfort her and tell her it was ok. She couldn't deal with it and ran off. Geeze. It prly sounds unkind, but I didn't want to deal with that, too.

My mom told me she had a still birth at the same stage that I did. I never knew this. My aunts had trouble conceiving, and one was never able to. I didn't know this, either. And I had asked them about their histories and I told them why I wanted to know, planning purposes, potential birth attendants were asking me. It was just something you don't talk about. Too sad.

A couple friends told me that they were so sad, thinking about my loss that it brought them back to their own births, which they were supressing, and they were able to think about it and heal their own birth wounds. That made me feel better.

I didn't bury him and I didn't choose a name for him. He didn't tell me his name before he went. It just wasn't right for me. His body was not his soul. His soul went back into the universe and he had no need for his body. And I have him in my heart. I created a little altar for him by my bed. I have a candle for him and one for his mom and dad.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

It is strange going through this.

My MIL told me after my daughter was born, that she also had a stillbirth. She gave birth to the child at home. Dosn't know if it was a girl or boy and told the kids that she was wrong, she wasn't really pregnant. Dh didn't see why I thought that was odd?

So she never dealt with this loss and his family tried very hard to sweep it under the rug. The family does everything in their power to pretend it didn't happen.

I feel very strongly that women need the support and understanding of others. We've lost a child and all the dreams we had for that child.

Things have come a long way though. Now hospitals have a protocal for pregnancy loss and tend to counsel the family. But there's still a lot of work to be done there.


----------



## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

When I lost my son, it seemed that everyone had a story to tell.

My stepmom lost 5 babies . Five of my aunts lost numerous babies. I didn't know any of this.
Right after my son died, it seemed that every person I encountered (strangers, aquaintences, friends) had had a loss or two.

I wonder why we (society) don't talk about our lost angels. I'm guilty of that, too. I rarely mention my son, except to close friends and family.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I did want to say that while I do not want for Xiola to be a forbidden topic, there are only *so* many times I can explain it to people before I have had enough! Some days are hard enough without discussing dead babies with complete strangers. At the same time, I realize that these ladies (especially the doc) did'nt have the support I have and that it is probably a releif for them to share their loss with someone who will see it as a valid reason to grieve.

I think that is what compells these people to share their stories with a stranger... they know their loss will not be dismissed, and for some ladies, that may be a rare thing.

Right now, there are people in my life who do not know that I am pregnant, let alone that I lost a daughter (new friends). I guess in a few more months, I will be showing and the cat will be out of the bag... not sure how I'll be answering the question of wether or not this is my first... right now when people ask if I have any children, I say 'not at this point' which is a half truth, and also communicates that my reproductive tendencies are not a topic for discussion with strangers...

I really *don't* consider Xiola only being discussed with loved ones making her a taboo topic... losing her was the singular most horrific thing that has ever happened to us. If I had been traumatized or violated in some other way, I doubt I would discuss it with anyone who was not a close friend.

I am just choosy about who I share her with I guess...


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

XM - you hit on something that's always been odd for me. What *DO* you say when the question is asked? I got pregnant 3 months after Amanda died, so I felt I'd been pregnant for over a year. When someone tried to tell me of the 'joys' of pregnancy or give me the 'get the Epidural' crap it really got to me. I actually DID tell people "I had a daugher, she died". Oh the looks I got.

After ds was born the question came "is this your first?". I was dumbfounded on how to answer that?

Though now, I'm selective on who I share my precious Spirit Child with. If the topic comes up, I'll usually talk about it. For me, it's become very 'natural' to include her as part of the family.

I also didn't tell people I was preg. again untill It was totally obvious. I just couldn't deal with it. In situations like this, we just have to do what feels right at the time.


----------

