# MIL on babywearing, help



## iana703 (Mar 8, 2007)

I need help. My MIL is in town until Wednesday and is driving me crazy about my parenting especially wearing her.

She got here Saturday and wanted to babysit while we went to the movies. So she decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller (which was buried in the closet because I have only used it once). Ok fine, we will see how this goes I thought. Well she didnt even get half way down the block when I heard my DD screaming. So we decided to take DD with us to the movies and all was well. Sunday DF decided he wanted to walk with his mom and the baby so he was going to take her out in the stroller while I took a nap. Now DF walks the baby everyday IN THE WRAP. But he was trying to conform to whats "normal" I guess and took her in the stroller so "his back wont hurt"







. Five minutes later I get a screaming baby back once again while DF hurries to put on the wrap. I told him to just put on the wrap before he left but they dont listen to their SO's when MIL is around







:.

Today the baby, MIL and I went to the zoo and as I was getting my things in the car she asked, if I was leaving the stroller? Yeah I am just going to carry her in the sling I replied. Here is MIL's comment that seriously ticked me off. She was talking to the baby "I just don't understand why your mom would go through all that trouble of strapping you on her when she could just plop you in the stroller and be done. But NOOOO you have to be carried everywhere so now no one else can watch you...."





















:









Excuse me plop and be done. Um how could I be done with a 7 month old baby. I am not very tactful so I have learned to not say anything if I cant say something nice so I continued to load the car. While at the zoo, I had to buy the baby a child bucket hat because she has too much hair for an infant one and MIL said "If we would have brought your stroller you would have had some shade" again I just continued with my purchase. Every baby there was in a stroller and several were crying while mine was just as happy as can be! We even got lots of comments on the sling and my beautiful baby of course. DD fell asleep while walking and happily nursing in the sling.

I need help talking to my MIL about my choices. I have a secure attachment to my baby and I love that she only wants me. My MIL thinks the baby is spoiled because she cries when we leave, and she doesnt want to go to her while I am around. If I were to say something it would be really mean. I need some help tactfully educating her. There is more to this, like why would we want to cloth diaper, you are wasting water and electricity, and why dont you just give her a chicken bone to chew on. BUT that is for another thread







.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

Ok your baby is so darn cute!
I wish I had some good nice advice. I too get sick of just listening to this sort of garbage. Why is it bad to carry a baby? Hey wait... let me see if I can find a link to an article I really like about baby carrying and holding.

H


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

http://www.naturalawakeningsmag.com/.../3_07/skinship

Ok here it is... see if your MIL will read it. I love it!









H


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

With someone who genuinely meant well and was just feeling a little neglected because she felt she was missing out on getting to push the baby in the stroller (my mom was like this), I'd gently explain that my baby really appreciated the closeness of being in the sling/wrap and that I liked the closeness too, so it is really not a big deal for us not to use the stroller, and in fact we prefer it our way. I would personally offer to show the other person how to use the wrap/sling if I felt comfortable with that and they took me up on it.

For someone who was just interested in being snide and providing rude commentary on my parenting style (which is kind of where it sounds like your MIL is coming from), I'd simply tell her that I am not discussing this issue any further. For example:

"You can't spoil a 7-month-old. I won't discuss this any further."

"We're not using the stroller today. I won't discuss this any further."

"We prefer to use cloth diapers. I won't discuss this any further."

And then honestly don't discuss it any further. If she makes snide comments, ignore them, or change the subject. If she won't let it drop, again repeat that it is a topic you will not discuss. I'd try my very hardest to nip her commentary, especially when made directly in front of your child, in the bud before your baby is old enough to understand her words.


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## TanyaS (Jun 24, 2003)

Would your MIL be open to wearing your baby? Tell her that you'd be happy to show her how.







Maybe she'll enjoy the extra closeness with her grandchild and understand.


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## iana703 (Mar 8, 2007)

That was a great article thank you!

I never thought about having her wear the baby. Great idea. Then I actually wouldnt have to say anything and she can see for herself how great it is. I do not see why she wouldn't want to so I will try that tomorrow! Thanks.


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## lilysmama1124 (Aug 26, 2006)

When I told my MIL I was getting a doula and and wanted a natural birth she said "whats the point of that?" I also am not very tactful so I didn't say much. She also made comments about how since we were in a 2 bedroom apartment my dd could go into her own room now. I can't wait to hear what she says when she realizes that my dh sleeps on the couch so I can co-sleep with my dd until we get a bigger bed. I do think letting her try would be good idea. My mom always wants me to use the stroller so she can see my dd while we are out. She won't try the mei tai because she thinks it will hurt her back. I keep pointing out that she carries my dd without a carrier so this would actually help her back.


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## jbpoetmom (Feb 26, 2007)

OK, the passive aggressive talking to the baby really got me, and I might not have been able to stop myself from being not so tactful . . .

I personally think you do need to be very clear about drawing a line and stopping the comments, even while be tactful as possible.

If my MIL started talking to my DS about his mommy . . . I would stop her, look her right in the eyes, and say something like:

"We may be parenting differently than you did, and even differently than 'other people' do, but we have made very careful decisions about using a wrap and other parenting issues. How about you and I go out for a coffee and talk about them because I can tell you are uncomfortable. It is important to us that you understand and support us . . ."


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

I like the idea of her trying to wear the baby too.







Then she will get to see the baby and be close to her. Of course as long as she doesn't have back problems... that is always my mom's excuse.

H


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## ladybugchild77 (Jun 18, 2004)

Do we shre the same MIL?







Seriously - the exact same thing has happened to me with her concerning both my girls. When Kiera (my 2yo) was 2 months old and in the sling my MIL said to the baby, "Well, your Mama has to hold you all the time so I can't. No one else gets to love you!" OK. Whatever. I was so hurt and tried to explain about babywearing and she continued talking to the (sleeping) baby like I wasn't there. Kiera also is not used to her Granny and does not like to go to her; especially since Granny forces herself on her - not trying to hijack your post -just trying to offer a sympathetic ear. Now I am on kid #2 and have perfected the icy stare!














:

I would also offer to see if MIL wanted to wear the baby but if not (or if the baby doesn't want to be worn by her) then perhaps a nice game of roll the ball on the floor or Peek-a-boo will suffice. My MIL just wanted to see the babe and I get that - they just have very wierd ways of telling us they are feeling left out!

P.S. - ADORABLE baby - and you're adorable too of course!


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## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

I'm so sorry you deal wit this. It's really hard for grandparents to understand why you chhose to do things differently. My parents really don't understand how I turned out to be a "hippy" (I'm not a hippy....grrrr







: ) but that's another thread....

lilysmama1124 - that's true. If they can carry lo around it would only help to use the carrier..... do they actually think we carry them to make it harder on ourselves??? My sis is always complaining that she can't do anything...I don't have that problem!

Good luck!


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I saw your thread and even though my dd is not an infant anymore, I wanted to post. When my dd was six months old my own mother said, to baby, "You're never going to get out of that thing." About the sling.
I said, "Yes, that's true. She's going to grow up and get married all in the sling."
This was the same trip where my mother tried to feed dd a french fry when we stopped(soley for my mom) at Jack-in-the-Box and was furious and beyond hurt when I said no.
Now, my dd is four and totally secure. My mother is in love with her and they have a great relationship. She keeps saying how loving and affectionate my dd is. (I fully believe she is mainly because I carried her all the time and met her needs as an infant.)
By the way, you and your dd are sooooo beautiful. Enjoy wearing her--it really does go so fast.


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## HerbanGirl (Feb 15, 2007)

Boy, I can really empathize with your situation even though I haven't experienced it myself yet. All the PP's are great, and I especially like the straightforward response, "I'm not discussing this any further."

If she persists in shaming your daughter for having needs and getting them met, I would feel the need to get more direct and say something like, "We are committed to giving our daughter the nurture she needs, when she needs it. And we are also committed to not using shaming language with her. When you are feeling left out, please do not blame and shame her. Be direct with us and we will do our best to meet your needs as well."

Good luck!!!


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## samantha546 (Aug 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jbpoetmom* 
I personally think you do need to be very clear about drawing a line and stopping the comments, even while be tactful as possible.

If my MIL started talking to my DS about his mommy . . . I would stop her, look her right in the eyes, and say something like:

"We may be parenting differently than you did, and even differently than 'other people' do, but we have made very careful decisions about using a wrap and other parenting issues. How about you and I go out for a coffee and talk about them because I can tell you are uncomfortable. It is important to us that you understand and support us . . ."

I agree with this. I, too have issues with my MIL who has VERY different parenting ideas than us. My MIL was out for a week and didn't really get the "bonding" she wanted and I know that she felt in some way that it had to do with my attachment parenting ways. She even made a ridiculous comment about how it was obvious that it was too late to get a crib but it would have been nice because then I could just leave my daughter in the crib and shut the door, knowing she was fully safe. This was towards the end of her trip and I had had enough so I said, No, that wasn't an option as we prefered less barbaric ways.







: (I believe we all do what we feel is best so this is not to offend anyone. I was just ticked at my MIL.)

I just couldn't take those side comments anymore and I was tired of letting them slip by. My therapist suggested that I confront her, just as jbpoetmom suggested. So on the second to last day, I said to her that I understood that we have very different parenting skills and while what worked for her, wasn't going to work for us. DH is a fantastic man and I truly appreciated how well he was raised and for the same reasons that she feels DD is a wonderful child, she has to acknowledge that it is in part due to my parenting style. She sorta didn't say anything and was blase so I just said fine, let's just agree to disagree. I no longer want to just sit back and bite my tongue. How in the world is my daughter really supposed to bond with a woman who she hardly knows in such a short period of time?

I know it may be hard to be "confrontational" but there are ways around it.. and as long as you let your MIL get away with her passive agressive ways, she'll continue doing so until you stand up to her.

Good luck!


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## iana703 (Mar 8, 2007)

The MIL thing is really out of control now. The issue is even bigger and it is beyond me trying to explain and into me just being frustrated, bitchy, and emotional.

When DF came home from work he tells me that he wants the baby to start sleeping in her own room and not pick her up so much. I do not really want to go into the conversation because I would just be ranting. But basically it is not because he is tired or wants us to be together again. His reasons include but are not limited to we are bad parents, it will stunt her growth, she needs to become independent, she cant have seperation anxiety if she cries when we turn our back, she needs to be seperated from us to have seperation anxiety (ie. teaching her what being by herself really means), and she will not die if she cries for 10 minutes or a half an hour. Not to mention if we were to put her in her own room who would be getting up to get her....... NOT HIM.

My baby falls asleep nursing which I like and she nurses all night at her leisure, she is not ready to be on her own and I am not ready to be without her. So in a nut shell I told him that he could sleep in the babies room. I cannot believe he let his mother get to him like that. He is the main one talking about how we are going to change our lives be natural and stuff but is easily being influenced by his mom. Yeah, your mom raised you and you think you are all that, but this is not your mom's baby its mine.

He now feels like he has no say in raising our baby. Am I wrong? He hasnt read a single book, done any research, let alone watched a kid before he had one. He doesn't even want to try to research, I asked him to show me something that said we are stunting her growth by holding her. He waved me off, like I am not doing that. What should I do? I need to do something to put this flame out before he actually does end up sleeping in the other room.


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I'm sorry.
My only advice would be to stand your ground, talk about the research--and the example of people on this board. Research means very little to my mom but she does give a tiny bit more credit to real life examples.
Also, your baby is happy and healthy--how does he think she got that way???
You sound like such a great mom. I'm so sorry you're having to defend yourself now.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2mygirl* 
I'm sorry.
My only advice would be to stand your ground, talk about the research--and the example of people on this board. Research means very little to my mom but she does give a tiny bit more credit to real life examples.
Also, your baby is happy and healthy--how does he think she got that way???
You sound like such a great mom. I'm so sorry you're having to defend yourself now.

Sounds like your MIL is jealous. She needs to be put in her place, she's the grandma, not the mommy.

I have the same problem with mine. She had two grandkids before mine came along and she was allowed to care for them constantly from the time they were newborns. Their mom is very mainstream. So it was quite the shock when I refused all offers for her to babysit and my dd didn't act like grandma was her mommy. To this day my dd is almost 4 and my MIL makes comments about the situation and it's started all over again with the new baby. I've tried to explain to her my philosophy. Since she's taken some child development courses in college her attitude has improved on some things like spanking. But for the most part she will probably never change completely. She's from a different generation.

So I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but your MIL is most likely not going to change her ways. You can try to have a conversation with her, actually what I always say when dealing with inlaws is to have your dh talk to them because they seem to listen to their sons more than their dil's. Unfortunately it sounds like your MIL has converted her son to her backward ways of child rearing so you have to first work on him so you can provide a united front. She's dividing and conquering here, getting to him so she can get to you. Don't let her do that. It will wreck havoc on your marriage and your parenting.

If all else fails I would just put my foot down and say NO cio, no moving baby to own bed yet etc. My MIL tried to convince me to cirumcise my son and had my dh trying to talk me into it as well. I just kept telling them about all the studies now and stood my ground. In the end it was a choice that I felt strongly would harm my baby if it was done so I didn't care what either of them said. After the baby was born my MIL hasn't said a word about it and my dh actually commented that he was glad we didnt get it done!

So keep that in mind with your dh, later on down the road when you have a well adjusted child who falls asleep on their own without waking up constantly in the middle of the night like many children I know who were left to CIO, he will probably be glad you didn't listen.


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## TanyaS (Jun 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iana703* 
He now feels like he has no say in raising our baby. Am I wrong? He hasnt read a single book, done any research, let alone watched a kid before he had one. He doesn't even want to try to research, I asked him to show me something that said we are stunting her growth by holding her. He waved me off, like I am not doing that. What should I do? I need to do something to put this flame out before he actually does end up sleeping in the other room.

He may really feel like he has no say in raising the baby. Even if it's not true. Assure him that you are researching everything regarding your baby and letting your instincts guide you. Tell him that you are trying to do what's best for the baby you created together. Ask him to trust in that. Be firm, but calm when you tell him that you are happy to recommend books or even just a few internet links about the topic. If he is going to make such outlandish statements then he needs to be able to back them up. Talk to your pediatrician about it. Tell the pedi what your DF said. Ask if there is any evidence proving the claims (there won't be any). Tell you DF that "the doctor said....." and it should override the MIL. If he won't believe you, recommend he go with you to see the pedi and have HIM ask the questions all over again.

A great website for you dh would be www.askdrsears.com It looks very "mainstream" but promotes AP in a very gentle way. Also, make sure that when you discuss this that you have not been fighting. Make sure it is a good time and tell him that you want to discuss it calmly. Assure him that you understand his concerns and ask him to trust that you would not cause harm to your child.


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