# My mom tried to break in to our house today!



## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Hmm, where to start. My mom and I have had a difficult relationship for the past 2 years. I moved across the country and she followed me and my daughter here. That's when everything started. She's a very negative person who dislikes me very much, points out all of my flaws, and tries to tell me how to raise my daughter. The thing is, she LOVES my daughter and my daughter sees her as a second mother.

I've let them together without trying to have too much contact myself b/c I end up feeling really down and upset for several days after being around here. She used to babysit my daughter a lot but I have slowly weaned that down and in the past few months they have only seen each other when I've been around, too. But even that was so hard on me, and every time my daughter is around her she regresses with baby talk, whining, and disrespecting me and my partner.

I decided 6 weeks ago that I couldn't be around that anymore. She wrote me an email 1 week before we left on a family vacation together that she doesn't like our family (especially my partner...well, she likes him but she doesn't like us together) and that she doesn't think we're parenting correctly, etc etc. It was a really hateful/hurtful email, not at all in a kind "trying to be helpful" sort of way. We questioned not going on vacation but it was my daughter's bday present go disney world so we did go for her.

When we got home, I sent her an email about the things that were upsetting me...she has disrespected me and my partner in front of us and to my daughter, talked to my daughter about how the baby (I'm pregnant) will be a sweet girl, but boys are not sweet (we dont' even know the sex) and boys are "yucky" kind of attitude. My daughter now wants nothing to do with a potential brother! She also says things about us, as her parents, to my daughter and my daughter comes home with all sorts of weird ideas about us. So I wrote her an email that I would really like her to acknowledge these things. She ignored it. She asked after a week of not being in contact if she could take my daughter to the museum. I didn't feel comfortable with them being alone, so I invited her over for dinner. She never appreciates our food, etc, and she ignores me and my partner and just talks to my daughter.

Again more regression, and so we just decided not to hang out. I wrote my mom another email about what was bothering me since she didn't respond to teh first. No response again. And after 3 weeks she emailed to see when she could watch my daughter again. I didn't respond.

Today she came over and knocked. I opened the door and told her that she couldn't come in and she said rudely "I need to see (my daughter's name here". I again said "no, you can't come in" and I started closing the door and she pushed it open. Luckily I was stronger and got the door closed and then locked it. She took her key out and unlocked it! Luckily she doesn't ahve a key to the top lock so I locked that too. I really hurt my arm in the process of trying to get the door closed. I turned around and unfortunately my daughter had come out of her bedroom and had witnessed the whole thing. She started bawling and crying and I was shaking...I took her into the bedroom and rocked her and held her and I tried to comfort her, but I wasn't sure what to say. I told her that we couldn't see her grandma right now and she cried and said she was really mad. I asked what she was mad about, and she said she was mad at me. Then later she was crying and said she was scared that I was mad at her. She really doesn't understand and it's so hard for her. They were really close, but my mom is such a bad influence. I was so scared and stressed that I called DP to come home from work and comfort us.

She tried to enter my house without my permission! That just really bothers me. The whole thing bothers me. My midwife a few weeks ago thought it best that I keep her out of my life right now b/c she's adding stress to my already stressful pregnancy. I feel like I really do need to disconnect, at least until the pregnancy is over, but then I start feeling guilty about it. Family is family, but sometimes they just don't seem to really love us.

I don't know what I'm seeking...I guess I just needed to vent.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I would tell your mom that there is no debating any issues....her relationship with your child is a privilege not a right. Does she have mental health issues? If she cannot agree to your rules, she is going to continue to be toxic.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Funny enough, she is a psych nurse. I'm almost wondering if being around crazy people too much makes you crazy.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

My friend works at a psych ward and SWEARS that she has become crazier since working there. lol


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

You may need to get a restraining order. Entering someone's home without permission is never acceptable.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Oh, and spring for the couple of hundred dollars to change the locks.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Sounds like this is a perfect opportunity to talk to her (instead of writing) and let her know what your boundaries are. Trying to get into your house without permission is over the top!

Maybe you could use this incident to really force her to talk to you and address the concerns you've already brought up. If it were me I'd say no contact until you acknowledge and discuss with me what I've brought up with you. (But only if you could actually follow through and feel good about it)

Sorry you went through this, and sorry for your little bug...this must be so hard for her to understand.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Your mother sounds incredibly toxic, unstable and dangerous. I personally would be doing a 100% full-time, complete and total cut-off after this incident. I would also STOP with the emails. In her twisted mind, she could try to use them against you. NEVER put anything like this in writing. It could come back to haunt you.

As a mother, it is your responsibility to protect your child(ren). You have done that and are doing that, even though it is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

CHANGE THE LOCKS TODAY!!!!!

GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!!!!!

Not to scare you, but, with your mother being so close to your daughter(read that your mom thinks she is just as much a parent than you are, if not more so) that she might, just might try to sue for "grandparent's rights." She sounds full-on obsessed with your daughter and her behavior proves that. I would contact an attorney who specializes in this and find out what your particular state laws are. Most consultations are free.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Change the locks and your phone number and block her e-mail. I understand that she is your mother, but honestly can you name one positive impact she's had on your life? Once she began trying to poison your OWN CHILD against you, it was crossing the line and time to call it quits before she does too much damage to you, your DD, and your relationship with your DD. My own mom and I have our issues, and on occasion she's made a dispariging comment about my parenting in front of the kids, but it's normally something very benign (Your mom needs to stop letting you have snacks before bed!) and stops with that one observation. I'm not trying to scare you, but you also need to look at the legal potential on this one. You said she sends home your DD with "wierd ideas" about you and your partner. What if some of those wierd ideas are really out there and DD mentions them at school one day and you end up in a CPS investigation? Your mom is a psych nurse, and I can just see the potential for disaster.

I'm very big on family and doing all I can to resolve any issues, but I think this has gone too far to be resolved without professional intervention. ((Hugs!))

K.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

Not really, unless her mom has been financially supporting the grandchild for a certain amount of time the "grandparents rights" thing will NOT ever come into play.








to OP this sounds like an awful situation! do not engage her!!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
Your mother sounds incredibly toxic, unstable and dangerous. I personally would be doing a 100% full-time, complete and total cut-off after this incident. I would also STOP with the emails. In her twisted mind, she could try to use them against you. NEVER put anything like this in writing. It could come back to haunt you.

As a mother, it is your responsibility to protect your child(ren). You have done that and are doing that, even though it is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

CHANGE THE LOCKS TODAY!!!!!

GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!!!!!

Not to scare you, but, with your mother being so close to your daughter(read that your mom thinks she is just as much a parent than you are, if not more so) that she might, just might try to sue for "grandparent's rights." She sounds full-on obsessed with your daughter and her behavior proves that. I would contact an attorney who specializes in this and find out what your particular state laws are. Most consultations are free.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
Not really, unless her mom has been financially supporting the grandchild for a certain amount of time the "grandparents rights" thing will NOT ever come into play.








to OP this sounds like an awful situation! do not engage her!!!!

I understand this completely, but, the OP's mom sounds like she really thinks she is just as much the parent. I know she wouldn't win, but, she could TRY to go this route. Just something to keep in the back of her mind.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm sorry for what you're going through with your mom. If you feel like the restraining order is going too far, I agree that you would be wise to at least change the locks and document anything unsavory that your mother has done.

I know how you feel about the guilt over cutting out a family member, but family members don't have the right to hurt us (and our children in the process.) Disconnecting at least until your baby is born sounds like a great idea.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
aI feel like I really do need to disconnect, at least until the pregnancy is over, but then I start feeling guilty about it. Family is family....

Disconnect. Stay that way. Your mother sounds like an incredibly toxic human being, with massive boundary issues.

FWIW, my mom thought "family is family", too. She allowed us to continue to be in contact with the grandmother we loved sooooo much...and who was sabotaging our relationship with our mom. My relationship with mom has mostly recovered, but I'm not sure my sister's or brother's ever will. Not cutting off her mother is my mom's only real regret about her various parenting decisions, and it's the only thing that _I_ wish she'd done differently. I might have loved that evil old woman when I was little, (because buying treats _can_ be effective on a small child), but I've had to work daily since she died (almost 20 years ago) on letting go of the hate and forgiving her for allowing her own misery to screw up her grandchildren's lives so badly. I'm almost there. So is one of my cousin's. Another cousin hates her every bit as much as she always did. My sister still thinks that none of it affected her.

Toxic relatives are still toxic people - and, at some point, the "toxic" far outweighs the "relative".


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Change the locks and cut her out of your life. She is definitely toxic and will continue to cause problems in your family. Bad news!


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I agree completely. Also, I would like to say that the courts do not take grandparents "rights" type situations lightly. If she is doing crazy things that WILL come to light! Be sure to record everything!!! Even if it's just in a notebook!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
I understand this completely, but, the OP's mom sounds like she really thinks she is just as much the parent. I know she wouldn't win, but, she could TRY to go this route. Just something to keep in the back of her mind.


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## TwinsTwicePlusTwo (Dec 7, 2008)

s I feel for you. I have a restraining order against my sister because she's tried to kidnap one of my children twice. I also have no contact with my parents and they've never met their grandchildren. It's hard, particularly with my sister, because when I think of her I see her as a 10yo playing dolls with me and teaching me to braid my hair. But she's schizophrenic now, and dangerous.









You have to do what's best for you and your family. And change your locks.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Change the locks. That was a rather dangerous escalation.

And if she breaks anything on your property in an attempt to break in, you must file charges on her

I feel that she assaulted you this morning (though not by the legal definition).

Please don't blow that off, or discount it.

But the first step is that you MUST get the locks changed now, and keep the top bolt locked at all times.


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## mormontreehugger (Feb 25, 2009)

Pretend she's not your mother for a second, but the the next door neighbor. What would you do?


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## michelleklu (Aug 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mormontreehugger* 
Pretend she's not your mother for a second, but the the next door neighbor. What would you do?

Good point.


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## Mamafreya (May 13, 2004)

I'm sorry Raene.







It sounds like your mom is a bit off. I don't want to sound mean but this sounds like something my MIL might pull and she really does have a mental illness. She's gotten to the point where her kids(the one's who speak to her) won't let her be alone with her grandchildren because of violence and verbal attacks that come out of nowhere. I don't know if she still does but she used to call her granddaughter (our niece) "my girl, my daughter, my child". It really freaked me out and that was before I had kids.

I would maybe consider having a talk with your daughter about never going anywhere with your mom. I think that you might want to make sure that your daughter knows to come get you if she sees your mom anywhere around your house. Don't let her be alone with your mom at all. I got weird vibes when I read your post.

Just be careful and make sure you change your locks. It's really not too hard to do it yourself. My dh and I did it ourselves after we bought our house. I think we spent around $50 or so on new doorknobs and locks.

Oh, please don't let yourself feel guilty about cutting off contact with your mom. It really isn't okay to let anyone treat you this way just because they're family. You don't need the stress right now either. I liked what the pp said about pretending that she was a neighbor. Don't hesitate to call the police if she does that again.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *londonmoon* 
she's just probably just really attached

Attempting to open the door after the OP had already locked it was beyond "really attached". That's not normal behaviour...aside from all the other wackiness the OP described.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *londonmoon* 
she's just probably just really attached

Welcome to MDC! I see this is your first post. What brings you here? Tell us a little about yourself.

FTR - I'm really a family is family kind of person, but I think your mom has serious boundary issues. She got her chance to raise children and do all of the "right" things with you. You get to raise your kid your way. It's totally unacceptable to force your way into someone's house and moving cross-country to follow you is pretty over the top. She needs to let you be the adult, live your life and raise your DD the way you see fit.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

What she did is *really* scary.

Is it too late to make a report to the police? However she feels, that she did not accept your "No" and physically tried to force her way in (on top of her previous behavior) is absolutely a bad, bad sign.







I agree with the others. New locks, new phone number, delete her emails without reading them, and get a restraining order.

I know people find this really hard with parents/siblings/spouses, but you need to be able to look at her behavior rationally. Any other person doing that, you would have called 911, wouldn't you? I would! Mother or not, the behaviour was outrageous and scary and should not be given a pass.


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## Una (Aug 16, 2008)

Just because she's your mother does not mean you have to continue to take abuse from her and it certainly does not mean she gets access to your child.

Change your locks and file a police report. You don't need to press charges, but should you get a restraining order it will help.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
I understand this completely, but, the OP's mom sounds like she really thinks she is just as much the parent. I know she wouldn't win, but, she could TRY to go this route. Just something to keep in the back of her mind.

The interesting thing is that the same sort of thing happened with her mother when I was little, and I lost contact with her from age 3. And apparently the same thing happened to that mother...this is a vicious family cycle, according to some of my relatives who have refused to have kids b/c of it. Who knows, maybe that's a bit superstitious, but it is all very strange. Or maybe we all have some genetic flaw. I'm not sure. But there is a lot of manipulation with the women in my family and it's really scary.

I did talk to DD's school yesterday about not allowing my mom to come in at all and to call if she ever turns up there. I'm not quite sure what to do b/c we are on the same cell phone plan and it's in my name but the bills come to her. I do also have a landline.

Another hard thing is that I talked to my dad yesterday (they're divorced) and he basically told me that he feels obligated to always let her know where we are, so if we were to move, I'd pretty much have to cut the rest of my family out of our lives too. While he tries to see my side, he's a counselor and just wants everyone to talk things out and have everything be perfect. (Tried that...doesn't work). He doesn't see this act as "crazy" he sees it as "an act of desperation" b/c he thinks she misses my dd so much. ??? I feel like people in my life don't understand.

Yes, I think the restraining order is a great idea. I will do that. And we have already changed the locks.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm afraid there are grandparents' rights laws in NY.

http://www.brandeslaw.com/grandparen...s_siblings.htm


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

fortunately this does NOT mean grandparents are entitled to a relationship with their grandchildren. ESPECIALLY if said grandparents are unstable. it's much more complex than just saying there are "grandparents rights" in NY.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I'm afraid there are grandparents' rights laws in NY.

http://www.brandeslaw.com/grandparen...s_siblings.htm


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
fortunately this does NOT mean grandparents are entitled to a relationship with their grandchildren. ESPECIALLY if said grandparents are unstable. it's much more complex than just saying there are "grandparents rights" in NY.

I'm glad to hear that, though I'm not sure how easy it is to show that someone is unstable. I hope the OP called the police when this happened, because that would be step #1 to showing she's unstable.


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## BtotheG (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I'm afraid there are grandparents' rights laws in NY.

http://www.brandeslaw.com/grandparen...s_siblings.htm

If you look at the date on that link, it's from 1991. In 2000, the US Supreme Court ruled that state laws giving visitation rights to grandparents violated the US Constitution.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

I've actually read up on Grandparent's Rights laws, due to my own situation with my mom. Those lawsuits only go anywhere if the parents have divorced or one had died, and the remaining parent/custodial parent suddenly breaks off contact with grandparents that have been a main part of the child's life(like the grandparent has actually been a main caregiver) up until that point.


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## PinkinPA (Feb 26, 2007)

Yikes! I have had experience with this in my own family. I had drawn two critical questions from all of the trouble we went through.

One, what type of family life did I want for my children?

Two, would these toxic family members be in my life if they weren't family?

I believe that if these were just strangers or aquaintances doing these things, they'd be gone! We wouldn't put up with these behaviors. Being family members do not entitle them to do these things either.

My kids come first. Period.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
The interesting thing is that the same sort of thing happened with her mother when I was little, and I lost contact with her from age 3. And apparently the same thing happened to that mother...this is a vicious family cycle, according to some of my relatives who have refused to have kids b/c of it. Who knows, maybe that's a bit superstitious, but it is all very strange. Or maybe we all have some genetic flaw. I'm not sure. But there is a lot of manipulation with the women in my family and it's really scary.

It sounds to me like it's more of a pattern of behaviour than anything else. Your mom probably doesn't see anything wrong with acting that way, because she saw it modelled when she was young. So, even though she broke that off with _her_ mother (that's what I'm getting from the "lost contact with her" part of your post), probably in self-defense, she still hasn't completely broken the pattern.

Quote:

I did talk to DD's school yesterday about not allowing my mom to come in at all and to call if she ever turns up there. I'm not quite sure what to do b/c we are on the same cell phone plan and it's in my name but the bills come to her. I do also have a landline.
Can you get the phone changed over so that you get the bills?

Quote:

Another hard thing is that I talked to my dad yesterday (they're divorced) and he basically told me that he feels obligated to always let her know where we are, so if we were to move, I'd pretty much have to cut the rest of my family out of our lives too. While he tries to see my side, he's a counselor and just wants everyone to talk things out and have everything be perfect. (Tried that...doesn't work). He doesn't see this act as "crazy" he sees it as "an act of desperation" b/c he thinks she misses my dd so much. ??? I feel like people in my life don't understand.
Your dad obviously doesn't understand this. I'd tell him, in plain terms, that if he will tell your mother where you are, then that means that you can't trust him. If you can't trust him, you can't have him in your life. See what he makes of that. You need to protect yourself, your dd and your partner, and your mother _and_ father are just going to have to deal with that. Perhaps even tell your dad that you're getting a restraining order against your mother? I don't know what he's like, but maybe that would get it through his head that she is not a safe person to have around your family?

Glad to see you've changed the locks.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I don't think that is the sole basis of grandparent right case(sanity







).. If the parent wants no contact with the grandparents it is usually upheld unless the case is extreme, as in the grandparents (or sister, brother, cousin) can establish that he/ she was taking care of the child for a certain amount of time in a maternal/paternal role (not only emotionally but financially,etc). Basically just because someone is a blood relative it doesn't give them entitlement unless they can prove that their relationship is/was essential in the upbringing of the child previously.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I'm glad to hear that, though I'm not sure how easy it is to show that someone is unstable. I hope the OP called the police when this happened, because that would be step #1 to showing she's unstable.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
I've actually read up on Grandparent's Rights laws, due to my own situation with my mom. Those lawsuits only go anywhere if the parents have divorced or one had died, and the remaining parent/custodial parent suddenly breaks off contact with grandparents that have been a main part of the child's life(like the grandparent has actually been a main caregiver) up until that point.

Yikes, b/c I was a single mom and lived with my mom, so technically she was like the 2nd parent for the first 18 months. After that, we moved away. But my daughter has no second parent...so I guess that gets hairy.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BtotheG* 
If you look at the date on that link, it's from 1991. In 2000, the US Supreme Court ruled that state laws giving visitation rights to grandparents violated the US Constitution.


Oh good. With parents like mine, I'm someone who is terrified of laws like this. Parents shouldn't have to explain why they think someone isn't fit to watch their kids.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

I went to the police station and filed a report, but he warned me that b/c my daughter saw my mother pretty regularly for 5 yrs, and b/c we both lived with my mother when my daughter was a baby, she could easily send us to family court and get partial custody (!!). I am shocked.

The policeman didn't seem concerned at all about what happened ("Well, she had a key...") he did file a report and told me to talk to her/email her that she must not come onto our property or she will be arrested.

I don't know, but really I feel worse now than I did before.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow I'm shocked that the police said that. I thought that you and your partner, raising the child together are the ones who get to decide who sees and has a part in your childs life. That is so wrong.
If she kept it up I'd want to move to a state that has proven to hold up parental rights over nutty grandparents.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I think you need to keep her away 100% from your daughter especially, and your family. Until she can learn to handle the adults, your daughter should not be subjected. Your daughter will only come to serious emotional harm. You never expected your mother to try to force her way in like that..which was illegal. When she kidnaps your daughter, will you expect that? Also, when she turns your daughter against you?

Time to shut her out completely and if she won't stay away, then call the police and consider a protective order.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
I went to the police station and filed a report, but he warned me that b/c my daughter saw my mother pretty regularly for 5 yrs, and b/c we both lived with my mother when my daughter was a baby, she could easily send us to family court and get partial custody (!!). I am shocked.

The policeman didn't seem concerned at all about what happened ("Well, she had a key...") he did file a report and told me to talk to her/email her that she must not come onto our property or she will be arrested.

I don't know, but really I feel worse now than I did before.

Do you still have the emails you sent her, that she didn't respond to? I'd advise you to keep them, as they may help with any documentation you may need later.

I hope this all works out for you.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Keep in mind that police are not lawyers (most of the time). They are not always totally up to date on the latest in family law. It sounds like the officer was giving you their opinion. This is different from fact.

Though if you are worried it might not be a bad idea to go to your local bar association and see if they have a low cost "consultation" service. Normally it's $30 for 30 minutes. You could just ask about how "Grandparents rights" work in your state (dont' get bogged down in your details, otherwise you'll run out of your 30 minutes without getting a good understanding of things).

But please don't take the police's word for how things legally will go down.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Do you still have the emails you sent her, that she didn't respond to? I'd advise you to keep them, as they may help with any documentation you may need later.

I hope this all works out for you.









Yes, I do have them.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
Yes, I do have them.

Document everything.
If you start to cut her out, she'll up the anti.
Good luck, My Mil tried to get me out of the country and divorced from Dh so she could have Ds#1, luckily Dh knows her games and cut her off himself. We are still married 18 years later.


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## akaisha (Apr 14, 2008)

have you and DP thought about DP adopting DD?










would you consider a move after your birth? you really don't need this stress right now mama, i'm so sorry.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *akaisha* 
have you and DP thought about DP adopting DD?










would you consider a move after your birth? you really don't need this stress right now mama, i'm so sorry.

Yes, we've thought about doing that, but according to NY law, that wouldn't matter b/c one of her birth parents is MIA (my fiance and I broke up during the pregnancy b/c he became abusive, so she only has me) and that, with the fact that we lived with my mom for a while, gives her a chance to have some custody.

Yes, considering a move...it's just hard to do b/c of the economy...DP worries there won't be any jobs available.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

but she is not supporting you or your child now and hasn't been for some time. There are definite limits on that. Something that occured 2-3 years ago isn't going to be so relavant now.

there is no law saying you have to have relationship with your family if you choose not to and your mom has proved toxic. it is going to be ok.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
Yes, we've thought about doing that, but according to NY law, that wouldn't matter b/c one of her birth parents is MIA (my fiance and I broke up during the pregnancy b/c he became abusive, so she only has me) and that, with the fact that we lived with my mom for a while, gives her a chance to have some custody.

Yes, considering a move...it's just hard to do b/c of the economy...DP worries there won't be any jobs available.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Raene* 
Yes, we've thought about doing that, but according to NY law, that wouldn't matter b/c one of her birth parents is MIA (my fiance and I broke up during the pregnancy b/c he became abusive, so she only has me) and that, with the fact that we lived with my mom for a while, gives her a chance to have some custody.

Yes, considering a move...it's just hard to do b/c of the economy...DP worries there won't be any jobs available.

A friend of mine was in a similar situations where she had a baby and the dad was MIA, then she remarried and her new husband adopted the child. Since they could not find the bio dad and he had been completely uninvolved they had to place an ad in the paper looking for him for 30 days. Once that 30 days expired without him contactin for parental rights he lost his rights and they proceeded with adoption.

I'm not entirely up to date on NY laws but having been a single mom myself for a while I know it is REALLY, REALLY hard for a grandparent to get any sort of legal custody unless both mom and dad can be proven unfit. I looked into it because my ex inlaws were people I'd NEVER ever want to have custody of DS. My attorney told me it is almost impossible.

I think changing the locks was a good idea. Send her an e-mail letting her know you'll call the police if she comes by again, then print it out and follow through. After being escorted away by the police once or twice she'll get the message. It is not ok for her to undermine and disrespect you to your child. That is emotionally abusive towards your DD. I think you are sending your mother a clear messae that this is not acceptable and she needs to hear that.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCR* 
Good luck, My Mil tried to get me out of the country and divorced from Dh so she could have Ds#1, luckily Dh knows her games and cut her off himself. We are still married 18 years later.

Some people really are scary like that. My grandmother totally wanted mom and my uncle to divorce their spouses, so that she didn't have "outsiders" involved in her family. This is the same woman who figured that when my uncle got married (mom and dad already were), it would be _perfect_ if the three families bought a triplex. Never mind that my mom and dad already owned a house. It's scary when people are _so_ unable to let go.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)




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## BabyBugsMom (Jun 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
Not really, unless her mom has been financially supporting the grandchild for a certain amount of time the "grandparents rights" thing will NOT ever come into play.








to OP this sounds like an awful situation! do not engage her!!!!

Grandparents' rights law varies widely, depending on the state. This may not necessarily be true in the OP's state.

Protect yourself and your dd. I would seriously consider looking into a restraining order, if for no other reason than it would protect you in any future court case.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Yikes. OP, I hope you're doing okay. She sounds scary. Please keep us updated!


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

Just wanted to say BTDT. DPs father has done the same thing with trying to break in to our house. We called the cops several times and every time he made a big deal about it to the rest of family, telling them how awful we were and how I was poisoning DP against him, even though they never got along due to his abusive nature. He too sent horribly abusive emails and voicemails. We ended up blocking his emails, changed cell phone numbers, moved. Of course, DPs sister was so kind as to give their father our emails, (he never had mine) our phone numbers, our address. We're far enough away now that he probably won't look for us, but still.
I hope you can find the solution you are looking for, but honestly, I think you know the answer. You need to cut her out, esp with the pregnancy. Good Luck momma!


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

** sorry, double post


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

i think a restraining order is too much at this point. if she is a psych nurse maybe she would be willing to go through some therapy with you so you can sort out your differences in a safe place.she needs to know that if she wants to be a part of YOUR daughters life it is under YOUR terms no exceptions. If she doesnt like it then i guess thats the way it is. i would have a face to face talk with her in a public place like a coffee shop or somewhere you feel safe. good luck and i hope this all works out. you already have shown how strong you are just stay that way and protect your family.


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## Raene (Jul 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pomplemoose* 
i think a restraining order is too much at this point. if she is a psych nurse maybe she would be willing to go through some therapy with you so you can sort out your differences in a safe place.she needs to know that if she wants to be a part of YOUR daughters life it is under YOUR terms no exceptions. If she doesnt like it then i guess thats the way it is. i would have a face to face talk with her in a public place like a coffee shop or somewhere you feel safe. good luck and i hope this all works out. you already have shown how strong you are just stay that way and protect your family.

We've gone to therapy numerous times. She pretends that I'm the one with problems and that she's perfect. She refuses to look at her own issues and therefore we accomplish nothing. Doesn't help. Talking doesn't help either...I just end up crying and she comes out feeling like she "won".


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Yeah, therapy will not work with someone like that. Have you read up on BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder) - it might be an eye opener.

My understanding is that a grandparent has to prove that the child will be harmed by not seeing the grandparent, kinda hard to do. But definitely talk to a lawyer to put your mind at ease.

Please think about a will and about documenting in that will why you do not want your mother to have custody. This is something we have, unfortunately, had to do.

Cutting them out is never easy, but sometimes it can be for the best. Good luck to you.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I just wanted to reiterate to tell your daughter not to go with her and to tell you if she sees her. Everyone else needs to know that your mother does not have permission to see/talk to/be with your daughter or on your property. Sadly, most kidnappings happen by someone we know and the child knows.


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