# Issues with my DIL's parenting (formula feeding, not babywearing or co-sleeping etc.)



## rosarosalind (Sep 7, 2014)

Hello everyone. I am a new member. I am a mother however all of my children are adults. I recently became a grandmother for the first time and this is where I am having problems. I have read around the forums here and am hoping that you wonderful mothers here could give me some advice and guidance. Sorry if this is long.

My youngest son recently married. He had moved in with his now wife before that. I'll admit that it was hard because he was the youngest and my baby, and the first of my children to move out (his older brother and sister are both single and still live at home) I resolved to be open minded when I met his now wife. However all of that has gone out the window now. Things started going wrong when she ended up going past her "due date". I was unconcerned because her pregnancy had otherwise been going well. We had butted heads a little because I felt she was going a bit overboard on the prenatal care but my sons convinced me she was just a little nervous because it was her first and she wanted reassurance. However then against my advice after being a week overdue she went to the hospital to get induced. When the baby didn't come even after that she insisted on a c-section and also asked to be sedated during it. I couldn't believe she didn't even want to be awake for the birth of her baby! After the birth we went to the hospital to visit but we turned away because it was too soon after the birth and the doctors weren't finished attending to them. The second time both mother and baby were asleep.

After they went home I offered to stay with them for a few weeks to help out but my son said they had it under control. I was disappointed but figured they were over the moon with their new baby and just wanted to enjoy him. When we did go over to meet him my DIL mentioned it was going to be feeding time soon. My son brought her the baby. He went to the kitchen and few minutes later returned with a bottle! I was so SHOCKED I was speechless. DIL could tell I was shocked but chose not to acknowledge it, so when I regained myself I asked about breastfeeding. She said after the birth her milk did not come in for 2 days, so she gave him formula until it did. She also said breastfeeding "hurt" so instead she was pumping as much milk as she could to give him and filling in the rest with formula. So baby is getting breastmilk in a bottle 1/3 of the time and formula the rest. I seriously almost started crying. I excused myself to the washroom and when I walked up the hallway I saw the door beside the bathroom was open. There was a nursery complete with a crib! There was also one of those baby swings, which my son later admitted they put moved there from the living room because he didn't want to upset me. I asked my son about breastfeeding and co-sleeping and he supported her in whatever choice she makes since they are effecting her more than him.

We left soon after and I cried all the way home. Over the course of her pregnancy I talked with her about breastfeeding, gave her resources like "So That's What They're For" and other books by Dr. Sears and said I would be there for guidance if she needed anything. Yet still she is not breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. I knew if there was any chance of saving the breastfeeding relationship that she had to get baby back on the breast so I called my friend who is an LLL leaders and asked her to go over to DIL's house to see if she could help. Friend told me DIL would not let her in and closed the door saying she was busy. She also refuses to discuss it any further with me on the phone or when I see her at family gatherings. When I talk to my son he just says he supports his wife. I have also found out that she doesn't wear her son ever, despite me giving her a wrap and showing her how to use it. My son also admitted that they have a bought a playpen for when the baby gets mobile and that he will be completed vaccinated and not homeschooled.

I am so heartbroken over this. I was a mother in the days before internet and email were "mainsteam" and "popular" to everyone. I practiced attachment parenting even though I had never heard that term. I gave at home with just my husband and me there, I breastfed all 3 of my children until at least the age of 5, as children they slept in the same bed as myself and my husband, I used cloth diapers, practiced gentle discipline and homeschooled. I never thought I would have to deal with this issued because I assumed my children would partner with like minded people, seeing as how they were raised in an attachment parenting environment. Please understand I don't want to be THAT overbearing MIL and I don't mean to be overdramatic, but the thought of my grandson being fed formula, being left alone in his crib at night, being vaccinated with chemicals and all the other things non attachment parenting things makes me want to cry. I need to know what I can do to get my son on board, and to convince my DIL. Please, any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank-you.
-Rosalind (aka Rosa)

p.s. I think you Momma's (and father's) are doing such a wonderful job with your children. Know that you are making the right choices, even if you get flak and opposition from the "mainsteam".


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My take? Nope, there's no way for you to convince her to start parenting your way. I breastfed and babywore, but I say good for your son for steadfastly supporting his wife even though her parenting decisions differ from yours. That's as it should be. 

If I were you, I wouldn't mention any of it again. If you alienate your DIL and criticize her choices, it will only drive a wedge between the two of you and keep you from seeing your grandchild as much as you'd like. 

Many of the things that matter so hugely to us regarding parenting really only happen in the first few years (BFing, BWing, etc.), but you have decades of time to have a relationship with your son, DIL, and grandchild. Don't ruin the long-term relationship over these parenting choices that, while important, are fleeting in the grand scheme of things.


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## sierramtngirl (Jun 19, 2013)

Yes, this is hard. Maybe you and my MIL can swap places. I get nearly constant crap from my parents and in laws for nursing my 2.5 year old & 3 month old and for co sleeping. But I agree, bless your son for supporting his wife. That is where his heart should be.... And, maybe she'll have a change of heart next baby.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Your DIL sought prenatal care, and was active in making medical decisions during a difficult induction, which led to c-section.
She, and your son, are feeding and caring for your grandchild in ways that acknowledge their needs and feelings while assuring that the baby's needs are met.
They have decorated and furnished a nursery.

You see these points as problems to be fixed. Most people would see them as evidence of loving and sensible parenting.

Your son and daughter-in-law appear to have decided that they will make parenting choices together, based on their needs and opinions. You lived your choices, and now they are living theirs - and theirs are fine. Everyone involved is safe and healthy, and the adults are looking out for the baby and for each other. So stay out of it. Stop offering advice. If you want to help, ask what they need. If you want to spend time with your grandchild, appreciate the (plentiful) positives in the situation.

(Oh, and: Take "hurt" out of quotes when you talk about your DIL nursing. That's just insulting.)


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## missmason (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with limabean and MeepyCat and want to add two thoughts.

First, your son and daughter-in-law know how you feel from the books you gave and your comments on prenatal care. It sounds like they are trying to avoid arguing with you about their choices, so I would not continue to push it. 

Second, I think it might be better for you to stop framing the situation as your DIL's choices and remember that your son is equally responsible for the parenting of your grandchild. He is at least supporting his wife. Maybe he isn't as interested in AP philosophies as you are.

If you try to talk to them about these things, don't make it you vs. DIL. Talk to both parents together and perhaps ask why they think formula/sleeping alone is best for their family, rather than why they are not bfing/cosleeping.

Finally, don't push to hard. Maybe your DIL has health problems you don't know about that made the induction or formula feeding necessary. Maybe her back is bad so she can't babywear. I wouldn't necessarily want to share that kind of thing with my MIL.


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## AlexisT (May 6, 2007)

Her body, her choice.

She has made her choices and her husband is supporting her, as he should. You've made your opinions clear, and frankly, I think you crossed the line by sending an LLL leader to her house. They are the parents and they get to choose how to raise their children. You can either keep silent and enjoy a relationship with your grandchild, or you can interfere again and possibly be cut off for good.


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

While I do believe that breast is generally better than formula, etc... I think that the difference between breast-milk and formula is less important than the difference between a family that makes their decisions based solely on what other people want, and a family that makes their decisions based on what works for them. So, while the baby's parents aren't making the decisions that I would make, they are making decisions, and they're supporting each other, and if they have the fortitude to ignore your advice when it doesn't work for them, they'll have the fortitude to ignore far worse advice when it doesn't work for them.


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

missmason said:


> I agree with limabean and MeepyCat and want to add two thoughts.
> 
> If you try to talk to them about these things, don't make it you vs. DIL. Talk to both parents together and perhaps ask why they think formula/sleeping alone is best for their family, rather than why they are not bfing/cosleeping.


I would not talk to them further about these issues unless they approach you first. You must realize that you are not mama or papa. You are grandmother. Focus on that role, enjoy it and leave the rest of it to the child's parents. As others have noted, you will only serve to drive a wedge between you and your family and it will be your fault. Grandparents can play such an important part of a child's life - don't miss that opportunity by focusing on decisions that are not yours to make.


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## MyFillingQuiver (Sep 7, 2009)

All of us parents have had the opportunity to raise our children how we see fit. Then, they grow and go out into the world and make their own lives. We will each see things our children do that we wish they may choose differently, but it's their lives. How they raise and parent their children is going to be up to them.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

You need to smile, mind your own business and be a grandma and mom. You're not the parent, your son and his wife are. Just because it's different than what you doesn't mean it's wrong. I really hope you haven't told them how you feel about their choices.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Congratulations on your new grandson. I'm glad to hear that mother and baby are doing well, and that daddy is taking care of them. 

I had 2 unplanned c-sections after complications, and what I felt from others who needed the details so they could judge if my c-sections were necessary, or who wanted to tell me how I could have avoided them, is that they really didn't care that my baby was here and doing well, or that I had just been through a very difficult experience. They only cared about my cervix. It was gross to me. I got to the point that I wouldn't tell my birth stories. 

Second, you son is doing the RIGHT thing by supporting his wife in her decisions about how to raise their child. One of the best things that can happen for that new baby is for his parents to love and care about each other, and treat each other the respect. 

If you put your son in the position of choosing his wife's side or choosing your side, if he is a good man, he'll pick his wife's side every single time. He's not your little boy any more. He's a grown man, and you could choose to be proud of him for living up to his responsibilities.

You have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. If you chose to be miserable because you need to control things that aren't yours to control, that's your choice. But make it with your eyes wide open -- you are unable to be happy about your first grandchild, unable to be happy that your DDIL is recovering well, and unable to be happy that your son is a good man -- because you have control issues.


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## farmermomma (Oct 30, 2012)

Anyone else smell a troll? Just seems too over the top to me.


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

farmermomma said:


> Anyone else smell a troll? Just seems too over the top to me.


A bit over the top, but I've met grandmas irl who said some pretty similar things.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I was formula fed, slept away from my parents but with my siblings ( I thank God that I didn't have 3--toddler and twins-less than a year apart), fed jared baby food when it was full of sugar and salt. But I was also cloth diapered and fed healthy, home cook meals, listened to and my opinions were respected as I grew up. I breast fed, cloth diapers, did co-sleeping (with the ones that wanted it), used car seats before they were mandated by law, see the rest in my signature. My mom respected our choices as parents. And I'm doing the same thing with my adult daughters with respect to their own children (I have 6 grandchildren). Every generation needs to find their own way that is right for them.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I've been thinking about this since I answered it a few days ago. Why is your issue with your dil? Why aren't you disappointed in your son for making different choices than you did for him?


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## Ragana (Oct 15, 2002)

farmermomma said:


> Anyone else smell a troll? Just seems too over the top to me.


Yes, that's what I was thinking, too!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

well she has never checked in since she posted this post - not even to see the replies - tells me - either a troll or doesnt really care.


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## crazyms (Jan 8, 2010)

Or just mad that no one here feels bad for the MIL not getting her way even if it is over AP stuff.

Honestly I'd keep my mouth shut. You're the grandmother NOT the mother. Your job is to play with and love on baby and that's it. If you really want to have full control and get to make all the decisions about how another child is raised then have another because this one isn't yours. I think it's great that your son and his wife are making decisions together and he's standing by her. That's a good father and husband there! You obviously did something right raising him so be proud. Remember that many MIL's have been cut out of their kids' and grandkids' lives sometimes for a lot less than this. Enjoy the baby and leave the parents alone.


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