# How many times can she call herself mommy before I flip out?



## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Yet another MIL thread here.
We are staying with MIL for 3 months until our apartment is done being built and a problem that used to mildly annoy me has now become a major issue to both DH and I.

MIL practically from the time DD was born has called herself mommy, mom, mother, mummy etc. when talking to DD...

For example, MIL "hey baby why don't you come play with Mommy! Oh oops haha, grandma!"

Or "Did you miss mommy!?" Followed by a half-hearted "just joking".

This woman is extremely passive aggressive and cries at the drop of a hat. DH told her yesterday that he didn't like it when she snatched up DD while he was playing with her and brought DD into her bedroom. She burst into tears and mumbled something like "well I'll never touch her again!" Before storming out the door to something she had to do. The point being we try to be very delicate with her just to keep the peace. Unfortunately I am losing my patience with this in a huge way because it is happening way more often than could ever really be considered a coincidence. Even after DH has talked to her about it. She also uses the term "my baby" constantly and the possessiveness of that tern is starting annoy me to.

I can't separate if I am just not thrilled living here or it is really something to be upset about, you know? Maybe I am just not used to sharing space with her and DD makes it more complicated? Then again I think about how often she does it and I get all steamed again.
Does anyone else have a family member like this? A grandparent who is very possessive of baby in a passive aggressive way if that even makes sense?
Or am I just overreacting?


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## DirtRoadMama (Mar 2, 2010)

I don't have that situation, but I think you have every right to be offended. Plus, how confusing is that for a baby? She should stop doing that, right now.

Can you find a different, temporary, living situation? Have you tried craigslist for temporary housing?


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

That is just weird, passive aggressive, boundry crossing behavior. Your MIL sounds like she has some serious issues that have never been dealt with. I can't imagine my mother or MIL acting that way EVER, whether we lived there or not. Just very strange. It would bother the crap outta me too.


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## Raine822 (Dec 11, 2008)

You're not overreacting and her behavior is not ok. My mother is very similar. The story of my mother is very long so I won't post again here. If you would like more details though I will be happy to provide.

You should, if possible, try to separate from the situation. You can also try talking to your MIL or setting clear boundaries. It sounds though like talking it out may not work(it never worked with my mother)

So sorry you have to deal with this. If you need any support I am here. There is an entire thread of this to. It is about toxic parents.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

You are not overreacting. That is crazy and totally inappropriate behavior and I STRONGLY encourage you to find somewhere else to stay ASAP if at all possible. I would also spend as little time as possible in the home with her in the meantime.


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## wife&mommy (May 26, 2005)

You are not overreacting AT ALL! I would be SO upset.

If she asks where her baby is, tell her XX is over there (your husband, that is her baby, not YOUR baby).

If my MIL pulled that crap there would be some serious words spoken! Calling herself mommy is NOT ok.

That would make me not want my child to be around here, that is just kind of freaky IMO!

If you have any other possible living arrangements, I would make them now!


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## newmommy7-08 (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wife&mommy* 
You are not overreacting AT ALL! I would be SO upset.

If she asks where her baby is, tell her XX is over there (your husband, that is her baby, not YOUR baby).


EXACTLY! and a bigYEAH THAT!

MIL would do things like this when DS was a newborn, and we weren't living with them. It still drove me up a wall. If she is doing it around you simply act like you're talking for your dd...

IE - Did you miss mommy? Yes grammy I was very happy to see her come home now we're playing! or I don't know if daddy missed you grammy you'll have to ask him.

They key, at least in my situation was keeping my voice very light almost a joking tone. She got the message faster than I expected.

Good Luck mama! and yes, I'd make other living arrangements, you need to put boundries in place for this woman NOW!


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

thanks for the replies! DH used to think I was overreacting about it but now that we are here it bugs him more than me I think...
Yes to everyone who guessed that yeah MIL has some serious mental stuff going on. She is quite "fragile". I mean once or twice is a mistake I can live with but doing it all the time makes me feel like she is trying to undermine me as a mother.

Also as someone pointed out, I know that DD knows I am her mother or rather the most important person in her life







but she is almost a year old (I haven't updated my sig in ages) and she does not ever call me mama. Daddy yes, mama no, which isn't a big deal but I do think it can be confusing to her. She doesn't need to have other people referring to themselves as mama to confuse her even more...

Unfortunately we absolutely cannot move out for at least 2 months and then we will be gone as soon as we can (our apartment is just not ready to live in)...I was thinking of spending a lot of time at my own mother's house but she lives 4 hours away and DH couldn't be there that often because of work. He would miss DD too much for me to do that and DD loves to be with her dada as much as possible.

Is it that out of the range of normal? I thought a lot of people would have grandparents doing that and now I am beginning to think that maybe it is not so common to have a MIL/FIL behave this way.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I would call her on it. She's got you jumping through hoops protecting her "fragile" self while she does whatever she wants. I call BS. She cries and such because it WORKS. Stop letting it work







Easier said than done if you are the type to get caught up in it, I know, but I sincerely believe that the answer is to simply stop playing the game. If she gets upset, it's because she got herself upset, it's not up to you to let her run ramshod all over your family just so her tender little feelings don't get hurt - which I doubt is even the case, it's just her method of control.


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## Raine822 (Dec 11, 2008)

It is sadly all too common but common does not make it normal or ok. It can (as in the case of my mother) become dangerous if the situation escalates. You know the most about what happens so only you (and DH) can decide how severe it is. It helped me to run the facts(keep how you feel separate) past a third party that I trust. I got good non emotional feedback on how my mother's behavior was unacceptable.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ldavis24* 
Is it that out of the range of normal? I thought a lot of people would have grandparents doing that and now I am beginning to think that maybe it is not so common to have a MIL/FIL behave this way.

Yeah, that's out of the range of normal. My mom and MIL don't need reminders to know that they are grandmothers, not mothers, of DD. It's either manipulative (that's my bet) or a sign of mental degradation if she sincerely forgets that she's not the mother of that child.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Well, when she starts crying, tell her "I know, you really want to feel like your dd's mother, but that isn't how things are. It's okay for you to be sad, but you are an adult and you can either get over it yourself or you can get professional help. It isn't my responsibility to let you lie to my dd and confuse her."

Maybe if MIL fake cries for a day or two, she'll remember not to pull that P/A BS any more.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't think you are overreacting unless she still has small kids at home and is used to talking like that right now because of that. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to be called Nana, Mimi, or something else like that instead of grandma. Grandma is a word that some people (my mother included) don't want to hear in reference to themselves.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

Definitely not normal, and way passive aggressive. I agree that it works because you let it work. But on the other hand, I don't see putting your foot down about her hysterics working, either.

It's happened a few times that my father has called himself "Daddy" while playing with my kids, and it's actually really sweet and kind of sad. He LOVES babies, and really loved being a father and now he only sees his grandkids once or twice a year because they live so far away. He always catches himself and looks really wistful and apologizes: it's obvious he was just caught up in the moment, kwim? That sounds miles and miles away from what your mother is doing. Her motives may be from a similar planet (she likes babies, feels possessive, misses having her own kids), but it's 100% about delivery.

How soon can you leave? In all honestly, while in a perfect universe I would say "ignore her until she stops," I have a feeling that will actually make the situation worse and her behaviors even more passive aggressive. Or she might just drop the passive part and really make your life miserable while you're there and after you leave. I think that all you really can do is set your boundaries, have DH continue to talk to her when things go too far, and get out of there as soon as possible.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Things to say:
"Awww poor grandma, she keeps forgetting that daddy is her baby!''

"Mil, I'm getting a little worried, you seem confused lately when you call yourself mommy. Are there other situations where you feel confused? Maybe we need to talk to the dr?"

"I guess that makes me grandma then!! Give me that sweet baby!!"

As for the crying thing, I'm nuts enough to give it right back. She starts in about how you're trying to keep her from having a relationship with her grandbaby you start in how you feel that when she calls herself mommy she's trying to take over your role as mother. Big tears, heaving sobs....give as good as she does.

Lach, my dad did the same thing a few times. It wasn't sinister, just a caught up in the moment type thing.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ldavis24* 
thanks for the replies! DH used to think I was overreacting about it but now that we are here it bugs him more than me I think...
Yes to everyone who guessed that yeah MIL has some serious mental stuff going on.

Trust me, it wasn't about guessing. That's completely over the top and out of line.

Quote:

Is it that out of the range of normal? I thought a lot of people would have grandparents doing that and now I am beginning to think that maybe it is not so common to have a MIL/FIL behave this way.
Yes. It's out of the range of normal. It might be fairly common, but lots of toxic behaviour is fairly common. And, I have to tell you that if _anybody_ scooped up my kid while I was playing with him/her, it would get ugly fast. That's _maybe_ even more over-the-top than referring to herself as mommy.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Yeah DH did not take her scooping DD lightly. I was getting dressed from a shower and heard this whole commotion.

I told him after their spat that there is really no point in trying to reason with her about why it upset him. She started crying right away and got dramatic and he was still trying to calmly and logically explain to her that he wasn't trying to hurt her feelings.

It sucks because she is really good with DD and DD loves her. She is cuddly and affectionate and playful with DD like she should be.


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## pammysue (Jan 24, 2004)

Could you sit with her and say: "DD is getting so big, she is saying Daddy now, can you believe it? I can't wait until she calls me Mama. Do you want her to call you Grandma, or did you have some other special name in mind? There are so many alternatives to "grandma!" Maybe we could start out with something easy for her to say."

I would do it very casually in the car on the road somewhere, on the couch during a commercial, etc. Hopefully she won't be offended and start the crying PA crap, but still get the message. Then constantly reinforce the name she chose for herself.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
I don't think you are overreacting unless she still has small kids at home and is used to talking like that right now because of that. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to be called Nana, Mimi, or something else like that instead of grandma. Grandma is a word that some people (my mother included) don't want to hear in reference to themselves.

It's not even normal then. I have a 4.5 year old DD and a 3.5 year old granddaughter. When I'm with both kids I'm mommy to one and grandma to the other, except the few times they decide to just call me by my first name.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

no it's not normal imo , my little sister often gets confused with what to call my children , we both have the same dad but different mums so she is my childrens aunty but cos she hears our dad refer to my lo's as grandkids she often does the same but she is only 6 so i think it is normal for her to be confused about it all sometimes.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Ooooh, that would drive me up a wall.

My mother used "my baby" a couple of times when DD was a newborn, showing her off to people at a once-a-year convention (people I didn't know very well). She was clearly a glowing-with-pride grandma, so it didn't really bug me - plus, I knew if it did all I'd have to do was raise an eyebrow and she'd get the hint. Because she's _not_ passive-aggressive, and well aware that she had her own (six!) children to call hers! As a normal parent should be, frankly.

I mostly have trouble these days making sure _I_ don't refer to DD's Gran as Mum, or to her Grandpa as Daddy!









Living situation or no living situation, I think something needs to be said. Would she take it any better coming from your DH? Could your mother come around for a visit and make some grandma-to-grandma comment? If your DD isn't talking much, maybe you could make a Thing of teaching her how to say "Grandma" (or whatever name you pick), so whenever she comes into the room you can be all "Here's Grandma! Can you say Grandma?" Hopefully your MIL will be flattered and join in because she wants your DD to learn to say Grandma before she says Mummy!


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## aurora_skys (Apr 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I would call her on it. She's got you jumping through hoops protecting her "fragile" self while she does whatever she wants. I call BS. She cries and such because it WORKS. Stop letting it work







Easier said than done if you are the type to get caught up in it, I know, but I sincerely believe that the answer is to simply stop playing the game. If she gets upset, it's because she got herself upset, it's not up to you to let her run ramshod all over your family just so her tender little feelings don't get hurt - which I doubt is even the case, it's just her method of control.

This right here. Address this issue immediately and firmly. My mother in law has done the exact same things you described. At first I tried to be nice and grin and bear it but that only made me feel worse.

When she calls herself mommy immediately tell her to please not do that and let her know in no uncertain terms that you find it offensive (heh, when this was a near constant problem with my mil I was sorely tempted to exclaim "Wow, I didnt realize ds came out of _your_ vagina!" but I restrained myself







). If she puts on the waterworks, take baby and leave the house. If she continues doing it in front of you (you know, for that extra passive aggressive jab complete with the "Oh, I forgot you don't want me to say that, silly me!") take baby away from her and leave. Go for a walk, whatever, even just a short time drives your point home.

Living there can make it difficult but if mil wants to play with YOUR baby then she must play by YOUR rules, get it?


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## ~adorkable~ (Nov 7, 2007)

wow sounds so frustrating, i agree it needs to stop.
a good angle is maybe to just understand that she wants to feel special too, and she equated that to being a mommy.
maybe you can find a great term of endearment for her and she can happy latch on to that. if this is her first grandkid, she may not be ready for "grandma" yet, but "nana" or or something else sweet may just do the trick to giver her something that is just hers.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

That sounds so manipulative of your MIL. I have a toxic MIL too, who has boundary issues and also manipulation issues. She does the crying thing too and I'm with you. Ignore it. Dont let her crying stop the situation from getting resolved. It is a control tactic.
I would start by correcting her every single time she does it in front of you. It can just be simply saying " Grandma, not mommy" very calmly after she calls herself mommy to your baby. Repetition works.
My MIL will keep trying and trying and trying to get her way, with different angles everytime. I just repeat, repeat, repeat. When she sees that I am standing my ground, she moves on to the next thing. It's like having a teenager for a MIL.

Stay strong and stand your ground, I believe it's the only way.. (((hugs))))


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## sophiesgrandma (Jun 22, 2006)

I don't think it's normal for her to keep referring to herself as mommy. And it's so important to respect the parents of your grandchild. I always try to do everything as they want me to. I know I am the grandma and I love being the grandma and it is wonderful watching my children be the parents. I am soooooo proud.
But I have to tell you something funny. When my grand-daughter was around 1-2 years old and she was visiting my home with her mom (my dd), if her mother would call me "Ma, ma, MOM" from upstairs, my grand-daughter would copy her and call "ma, ma" also and we both would laugh-it was so funny. she would speak in the same intonations as her mother. Then we would say
"no no it's your grandma". That only lasted a short time.
But if I were you I would just calmly express my wishes to mil every time she refers to herself as mommy or better yet, have your dh take her aside and calmly reiterate your and your dh's feeling about this. If she crys-she crys.
Try to get away from her a bit everyday. It won't last forever, you'll be in your own home soon.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I would call her on it. She's got you jumping through hoops protecting her "fragile" self while she does whatever she wants. I call BS. She cries and such because it WORKS. Stop letting it work


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

That is just not normal. I would call her on it and keep calling her on it whenever she does it. If she cries oh well.


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## buckeye_bebe (May 16, 2006)

Dear Original Poster;
I love you and offer you unconditional support with your MIL.
Kindest regards,
Buckeye Bebe

No really! I have the same problem with my oh so fragile and P/A MIL. And everything the others replied were everything I would reply too. Since I have the same problem and secretly desire snarking back like some others suggest...

I PRINTED OUT THIS THREAD AND LEFT IT ON MY HUSBAND'S DESK!


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buckeye_bebe* 
Dear Original Poster;
I love you and offer you unconditional support with your MIL.
Kindest regards,
Buckeye Bebe

No really! I have the same problem with my oh so fragile and P/A MIL. And everything the others replied were everything I would reply too. Since I have the same problem and secretly desire snarking back like some others suggest...

I PRINTED OUT THIS THREAD AND LEFT IT ON MY HUSBAND'S DESK!

You know I was seriously considering having DH read this whole thing. This just confirms that I am definitely going to do that!


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ldavis24* 
Does anyone else have a family member like this? A grandparent who is very possessive of baby in a passive aggressive way if that even makes sense?
Or am I just overreacting?

Ok, my ex and his mother tried to take my son away from me (thank god they did not succeed!) - and even she never, ever referred to herself as DS's "mommy".

You are not overreacting, you have every right to be peeved, and you also have every right to stand there while she cries and yells at you and say, "You are not my baby's mother. You need to stop telling her that you are her mother. I am my baby's mother, and that is the way it will stay." Stand firm. She can cry and moan and freak out all she wants about it, but in the end - YOU are mama, and YOU make the call.


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## r&mmommy (Oct 25, 2009)

You've already gotten some great advice, but I'll commerisate. We had a family member that would call the baby "hers" As in "Where is MY baby?" "Give me MY baby!"
Creeped me out - It is so inappropriate.
Can you get on the apartment people to get it done faster?


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

Yeah, you're right thinking this isn't normal.

My Mum will say "How's my [DS1 name] today?" or say "There's my boys!" but I consider that 100% fine! To me it just shows that she loves them. I can tell you though if she ever called herself Mama there would be a whole lotta trouble!

MIL will call the kids "our boys" which is similar, but DH and his family are from the UK and it's fairly common in different parts over there to refer to someone in your family as "our Renee".


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

my mother did this and to this day still refers to herself as "mama." I finally let it gobecause she has improvedon so many other points, but when she first did it ds had stayed with her for 3 weeks without her and when I saw him he had been retrained to call me "mommy firstname" and her "mama." up to that point she had always been grandma. she also un-potty trained him in that time by putting him back in diapers and not taking him potty.so I can relate...it is very hurtful and tressful dealing with a parent like that.no advice except to tell you it is NOT right and I don't blame you for being upset.


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## RiverTam (May 29, 2009)

Take a deep breath.

You're totally right and she's nuts. On the other hand, you're living in her house and I wouldn't push this issue until my place is ready. She might kick you out.

I would gently deal with the issue by making some of the jokes/comments others have suggested. You should make sure your baby isn't confused and ignore the rest.

When your place is ready, I would totally have a big freakin' blowout about it.


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## RiverTam (May 29, 2009)

RiverTam said:


> Take a deep breath.
> 
> You're totally right and she's nuts. On the other hand, you're living in her house and I wouldn't push this issue until my place is ready. She might kick you out.
> 
> ...


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:

but when she first did it ds had stayed with her for 3 weeks without her and when I saw him he had been retrained to call me "mommy firstname" and her "mama."
Wow. WOW. The gall. That would have me steaming from the ears. Words would be said. Weapons might be mentioned.


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## Magelet (Nov 16, 2008)

if she were just calling your child "my baby" and such, I don't honestly thing it would be that weird. It's the snatching her away, and calling herself mommy that is seriously not ok.

I think I've called pretty much every baby I've cared for a loved "my sweet little baby" or something like that, not meaning of course that I think she is MINE, but as a term of endearment. Particularly from a grandma, saying "my baby, my boy, my girl, etc", seems totally normal to me, IF everything else is normal. Since she does call herself mama, it becomes a part of that problem.

I agree with PP's to call her on it and keep calling her on it.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
my mother did this and to this day still refers to herself as "mama." I finally let it gobecause she has improvedon so many other points, but when she first did it ds had stayed with her for 3 weeks without her and when I saw him he had been retrained to call me "mommy firstname" and her "mama." up to that point she had always been grandma. she also un-potty trained him in that time by putting him back in diapers and not taking him potty.so I can relate...it is very hurtful and tressful dealing with a parent like that.no advice except to tell you it is NOT right and I don't blame you for being upset.

wow and I thought I had a problem on my hands. I haven't ever hit anyone but I might have slapped my mother for that deal


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## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

Ummm is your MIL a child? I had a problem with my MIL and DH telling my kids to call her mama too. This was when I had my first so I was very sensitive to this. There was a language difference, but I still wasn't comfortable with the behavior. Now they just call her by her name. I even get confused when I hear others calling someone mom who I know is not their mom. Why can't people be more original and come up with another endearment? Even my son now calls me Andraea sometimes go figure.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiesgrandma* 
But I have to tell you something funny. When my grand-daughter was around 1-2 years old and she was visiting my home with her mom (my dd), if her mother would call me "Ma, ma, MOM" from upstairs, my grand-daughter would copy her and call "ma, ma" also and we both would laugh-it was so funny. she would speak in the same intonations as her mother. Then we would say
"no no it's your grandma". That only lasted a short time.
.


We lived with my mom for a couple of years (who is inappropriate in other ways but luckily never went that far over the psycho line) and I'd call out "Mom!" and DD would do the same, so I'd change it to, "Nonna!" (what DD calls my mom)









So, I wouldn't call your MIL anything besides Grandma- or whatever reasonable name she wants the baby to call her. Your DH could do the same. With everyone calling her Grandma, and you and your DH consistently referring to you as mama only, hopefully she can't confuse the baby too much even if she tries.

Now, if I could just get my grandmother to stop calling my nearly FIVE year old "The Baby" all the time


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

Very weird, creepy and not okay. Probably confusing for your babe (if not now definitley in future). Needs to stop. Sorry you have to live there =(. We stayed with my ILs for 5 weeks last summer and it was literally the worst period of my adult life. It was awful for dh too. It completely obliterated any patience I had left for ILs quirks. So if there is any other option for you, please take it. Good luck mamma


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I tried to skim to see if this is addressed but didn't see it... OP have you simply asked your MIL why she keeps using mommy when she's grandma, and said that if it was once in awhile it would be no big deal but over and over again makes you really wonder what's going on in her mind?

That's a basic question that I'd really hope OP or your DH could/would ask, because for me honesty is always a starting point for trying to figure out what else may need to happen.

Yes I know she's P/A, cries at the drop of a hat, etc etc. But you're parents now, and you might as well start modeling what you'd hope your child would do as they grow older to have the kind of life and relationships that make them happy. Do you want your child to feel comfy addressing things that make her uncomfortable or being able to walk away if a solution can't be worked out? It's never too early to start modeling problem solving, cuz your kids will see how you do or don't handle stressful situations and learn a lot of lessons from that.


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