# Losing My Baby At 20 Weeks Pregnant



## mhaigh

I had my regular midwife appointment today. To my surprise we could not find the heartbeat. I was sent for an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear that the baby was dead. Now I am faced with all sorts of decisions like when to induce and burial arrangements. The baby looked normal on the ultrasound and appears to be about 16/17 weeks developed. I'd like to take a picture of the baby when it is born, but my husband thinks it is a bad idea. I'd like to hear from anyone else who has had a second trimester loss.


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## Ambrose

I'm so sorry.

I haven't had a 2nd tri moment, but if I did I would take a picture. I actually hate not having pics of my two angels. I feel selfish when I take pictures of my DD, thinking, "I should have had pictures of my other kids too."

So yeah, I haven't been through that, but I would take a pic.


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## theboysmama

both of my losses have been in the 1st trimester, but i would also take pictures. they don't have to be public, they can be just for you. here is the link to a thread i came across about photos. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=427166
hope this helps


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## TBA in PA

Mama, I am so very sorry! I KNOW the raw pain in your heart all too well. I lost my last baby girl at 19 weeks, but waited for labor to begin on its own at 24 weeks.

I have a couple of pictures of her and encourage all moms who are experiencing a loss to do the same. Even if you take the pictures and put them away for a while, you will at least have them for later if you can't deal with it right now.

Take time to jot dates and notes, they will be of help in remembering your journey later on. Mine ended up being a mini-novel.

Please PM me if you want a shoulder to cry on.


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## meister31

I am so sorry for your loss, We lost our son last year at 20+ weeks and it was devasting. I would def. take pictures--we have pictures of our son--the delivery was quite peaceful, the nurses let us be with him for as long as we needed--and I wanted every minute b/c it would be the only time we would ever have. I have never shown the pictures to anyone else but it is a great comfort to have them--I also have a little knit hat & outfit they gave us at the hospital. We chose not to have a burial--we were looking to buy a house at the time and didn't know where we would end up---and chose cremation instead and that way we could take him with us.
If you have a questions or just need support please feel free to pm me--anytime. ----Jen


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## runes

no words...just


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## 5thAttempt

Hug to you, mama. I am very sorry.


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## philomom

We lost our baby as a complete surprise. I only have terrible little polaroid shots of him (from hospital nurses), but I treasure those as proof that he was here.

Take care of yourselves. This grief work is a hard job.


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## Synchro246

I am so sorry. I encourage you to take the pictures. I think they will be very useful in your greiving process.
I can't imagine how you feel right now, and deciding whether to induce or not is a very personal decision. I myself would not induce unless I started getting a fever, but that is me. I can see the upside to inducing too.
I wish you luck in whatever your decision is.

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## zion

the nurse at my delivery took pics with a disposible camera. I still haven't gotten them developed but I am thankful to have them. Someday when I am ready I will get them developed. We lost our baby at 20 weeks and I got my devistating news at my routine U/S too. I am so sorry mama. Huge hug to you. We are here for you!!


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## iris0110

I am so very sorry for your loss.







I lost my daughter 2 yrs ago at 22 weeks. The most healing thing I did was have pictures of her taken. We have a partial role of film of her, as well as the photos the hospital took. When I am having a hard time I like to take the photos out and look at them. Just to remind myself that she was real, and that I deserve this time to grieve. I also share her pictures so that she will never be forgotten (the link is in my sig line). Don't let your husband discourage you from taking pictures if that is what you want to do. He never needs to look at them, neither do you if you don't want to. But I think that some day down the line you will be glad to have them. I have pictures from Arawyn's funeral, we never look at them, but I am glad we have them for if I ever want to. Spend as much time with your baby as you need to, don't let the nurses or any one else discourage you. This is a very personal experience, and no one can tell you the right way to handle it. There are a few things I wish I had done that I was unable to/ didn't know you were allowed to do. I will list them here for you just to think about. Your time with this baby is short, but that doesn't mean you can't make some memories to help you through the long road ahead.

Bathe and dress your baby if he/she is not to delicate(alot of hospitals have premie gowns)
Get hand and foot prints (some hospitals will do this)
If possible take one of the keepsake handprint molding kits and make a hand and foot mold.
Sing to your baby
Name your baby
Take lots of pictures of your baby, you with the baby, baby with other family members, whatever you want
Take a lock of hair if the baby has any
Take as much time as you need to say hello and goodbye

You should also ask your hospital about support groups or materials they may have. Some hospitals will get you that information, but others aren't so prepared.

I am soooo very sorry that you have to go through this. I will be thinking of you and your family.


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## mimi_n_tre

I am so sorry to hear about your baby. I lost my son last year at 26 weeks ( but he was small and they said he was about 22 weeks or so) and it was horrible, as any parent who has lost a baby will say. Unfortunately, I didn't find this site until after I had already delivered my son, but I found it in between delivering and having him cremated. Shannon's (iris0110) suggestions helped me a lot in preparing me to do stuff for him when I got to see him again.
I took pictures, and they are the only pictures I have of my son that not a lot of people may *recognize* since he is not here today. If I could take more, I would as I regret taking only a couple, especially as I wanted to get one special one that I did not...
Did you by chance get to find out the gender of the baby? I didn't until I delivered, and after that it was too hard to go out and look for something special for the baby. Instead I made a burial blanket for him at home, something a momma would make for her baby. It would have been nice to know what he was earlier though, as I would have loved to have some of *his* clothes to put on him while in the hospital. They only gave him a preemie hat and wrapped him in a blanket.

Again, I am so sorry about your baby.
Love,
Mary


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## Debstmomy

You have recieved very good advise. I totally agree with Shannon's post.
I wish you some peace during this tragic time.







s


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## makawee

hugs to you - lots and lots of them.


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## AllyRae

I am so sorry for your loss...







: I agree with everyone else...take the time to create all of the memories you can with your sweet baby...


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## soccermominsd

You've received so much wonderful heartfelt advise. I agree with the above pp's; try to take photos of this babe that you've grown to know and love. I had an early 2nd trimester loss when I was very young and it was very sad and painful. I didn't ask to see the baby or know if it was a boy or girl as I was in shock emotionally and physically from blood loss. BUT I wish I had known, cuddled and held that little angel.

I am SO very sorry for your loss,







: and







to you & your family.


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## UrbanEarthMom

I am so sorry - what a terrible tragedy.


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## theboysmama

This was a new post that just came up. I wanted to paste the link here just in case you hadn't come across it. Maybe having a professional photographer take the pictures might be a more comfortable option.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=448001


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## Lact-o-Mama

I could not read without posting. I find myself sobbing at my computer desk. I feel so unworthy to share in your pain but my heart is just crumbling reading and seeing some of your pics.








...for all of your little angels...


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## dziejen

Mama, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.







When our daughter died at 33weeks the nurses took some Polaroids and a professional picture was taken and I am so grateful that I have those. I also have a lock of hair and some stuff from the hospital that I pull out every now and again. If you think you might regret not having done it, be sure and take those photos even if you put them away for awhile. Blessings to you and your family.


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## coralsmom

i am so sorry for this terrible news and the pain you must be feeling. there is no preparation in life for finding out your little baby that you loved and wanted and expected has left so soon. i agree with the previous posters, whatever you can do to make memories you will probably be grateful for in the coming weeks, months, years- you never will forget this baby and having memories to look back upon are priceless and so important. it may be scary, but it may help a little to know that many many mother's have had to say goodbye in the same way, and it is totally ok to be with and love that little baby after you give birth. my thoughts are with you...


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## Bella'smamma

my dear friend,

all i can do is cry and pray for you right now. i am devistated that this is the journey that you will be taking. my heart will be walking beside you with every step. all the mamas who have lost thier babies will be there in spirit to help guide you through this time; and those of us who are oblivious to this pain, will be there to help you pick up the peices. please lean on us.

i think the pp's advice is perfect. listen to your heart and don't be pressured by other's ideas. you are the mama.........and there is no way for a man to ever truely, deeply know what that means. your heart will always lead you to the perfect answer. know that and trust that.

we love you and we are here for you, no matter how long it takes for you to reach out. you are free from obligation, we will wait for you.

sending love and strength and prayers

cecily


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## HaveWool~Will Felt

Hope that you are doing OK...thinking of you...I agree with alot of what has been shared here....


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## HoosierDiaperinMama

I'm so sorry for your loss.














s My loss was full term, but I agree w/everyone else. You will not regret having those pictures or that lock of hair down the road. You're in my thoughts and prayers.







s


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## isaiahsmommy05

I am so sorry for your loss.








You've been given some wonderful advice. My son was stillborn at 33 weeks and we have tons of pictures and I treasure them greatly.


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## mamabijou

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mhaigh* 
I had my regular midwife appointment today. To my surprise we could not find the heartbeat. I was sent for an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear that the baby was dead. Now I am faced with all sorts of decisions like when to induce and burial arrangements. The baby looked normal on the ultrasound and appears to be about 16/17 weeks developed. I'd like to take a picture of the baby when it is born, but my husband thinks it is a bad idea. I'd like to hear from anyone else who has had a second trimester loss.

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a baby girl at 19 1/2 weeks. Actually went into labor and delivered her (incompetent cervix). I was amazed at how she looked and how perfect she was. It was very difficult to go through and I still think of it quite often. The hospital had a great bereavement program and had pictures taken. At the time I couldnt really look at them. However, I have all my pictures and keepsakes in a box which now I can look back at and appreciate the fact of having that done. It is a personal choice and one that is hard to decide at the time of loss. I wish you the best and pray for you. Bless


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## momoftworedheads

Praying for you and terribly sorry for youre loss.

I had a loss at 16 weeks and I delivered my baby and had her baptized, then cremated. I do wish I had pics of her.
I have her u/s picture and her ashes.

I have a close friend who lost her son at 22 weeks. She took pics of him, dressed him, etc. I think it is tough to do but important for later.

Please take care!

Jen


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## Aliviasmom

Take pictures.

I had an early miscarriage. But I have an aunt who got in a car accident when she was 8 months pregnant and lost the baby. They took her via c/s when my aunt was unconcious and sent her to the morgue. My aunt was still in the hospital for her funeral, and no one thought to take a picture. Ever. Some people tell her that Rachel was buried in a dress. Others say it was a T-Shirt. She doesn't know what her baby is wearing, let alone what she looks like!

You don't have to put them in view. But do if YOU want. There's days you will want to look. And others that you don't.

While not the same, I placed my son for adoption. Many have said that the feelings of loss you go through with that are similar to death. I can't attest to that, but I can see SOME similarities. Especially at the beginning, there were days when all I wanted to do were look at the pictures and examine every detail. And there were days that I would break into tears at just the sound of his name (which is VERY common) or another baby.

Take them.

Put them away if you don't want to look at them, but I'm sure you will kick yourself forever if you don't.


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## Parker'smommy

HUGS momma. Unfortunately I've had two second trimester losses this past year. My first one was at 20 weeks in Feb. ( I just had my one year anniv.) and then this past Nov. I had a 17 week loss.

For me, I'm so GLAD that they took pics of our 20 week stillborn baby. And I have to be honest....I haven't looked at them. I'm still not ready, but they WILL be there when I'm ready. We had our baby cremated and still have the ashes in our home. I regret not holding my baby girl. I hate that I was so distraught that I couldn't hold her and look at her with my own eyes. I can't take that back, it is what it is, but I know that I have her pictures to look at too. I was induced and the hospital treated her with the outmost respect and treated her like a person. I am so grateful. They took pictures, took footprints ( so small...omg....but PERFECT!), gave me her bracelet. Gave me a special memory box for her and had a priest come in to pray with us and to pray for her and for us. It really helped us.

My second loss was more dramatic with me giving birth at home, being transferred via ambulance because I was fainting and wasn't delivering the placenta. The hospital wasn't Kaiser so they treated me poorly and I had to fight for them to keep him/her body for us. ( they said he/she was too small, whatever....she/he was only 13 weeks size despite me being 17 weeks and having heard a heartbeat just 2 weeks prior at 15 weeks).I have no pictures or anything, but I did see him/her briefly. We did have him/her cremated and him/her ashes are with us and his/her sisters.

ALL of this is such a personal decsion but I would urge you to honor your baby and like I said, you can always look at the pictures later. I regret not seeing my first baby with my own eyes, and I can't change that.

HUGS to you and I'm thinking of you and your family!


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## honeybunch2k8

I'm so sorry.









I had a second trimester loss, and I regret not have something to remember baby by. If I could do it again, I would at least get a copy of the ultrasound. I say if you think taking a pic will make you feel better do it.


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## mytwogirls

I am so very sorry for your loss mama. Please take pictures of your angel. I have my pictures of mine and I look at them EVERY SINGLE DAY, no kidding. Please take gentle care of yourself and we are here for you.


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## apmama2myboo

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 19 1/2 weeks. He had a heartbeat until he was born. it's terrible. I will tell you what helped me; of course every person is different but it's good to know you're not alone in this event, as you really feel sometimes that you are. that it happens to other people. that it doesn't happen in the second trimester. that it sucks to be the one percent or whatever it happens to. It's terrible.

After he was delivered I didn't hold him. I was given the option to hold him many times through the next day. i declined. The nurse who handles bereavement at the hospital gave me a memory box. In it were pictures of him in an envelope, a cast of his hands and feet, his footprints on the inside of the box lid, a small gold ring for me to wear on a chain if I chose to, and the clothes and blanket that were donated for him that he was wearing in the photos the nurse took of him. I have six pictures of him. we received cards and flowers from family and friends who were told, and I kept those along with his pictures and memories in a scrapbook my dh purchased just for him. The photos, clothes, all of it, were very cathartic grieving tools. So much so that I am starting to knit and crochet items for the hospital where he was born so other parents can have something to take home and remember their child by.

Please feel free to PM me anytime. It's a terrible thing to endure, and you are not alone.


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## ikesmom

I'd take the pictures too. I didn't hold my little one and I REALLY regret it. I was so disoriented and didn't think straight for quite a while. Embrace what you can if it feels comfortable for you.







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