# Lost my third baby/pregnancy



## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

Hi all,

Many of you probably already know that I discovered a non-viable baby via ultrasound yesterday. I had a bit of light spotting and was concerned. I was 10w2d pregnant. Ultrasound showed a 7w gestational sac, and a dead 6w4-5d embryo.

Such a kick in the stomach. I've been thinking for the last month that things were just fine. Sure I didn't have much in the way of pregnancy symptoms, but I had been exhausted since conception.

Early this morning the miscarriage began. I lost a lot of blood quickly and nearly passed out twice on my bathroom floor. I called my OB (she was the on-call OB for the group, thank goodness), and she told me to go to emergency right away. I needed aspiration and curretage (not really D&C because dilation was complete). I spent some time after recovery in a hospital room. I had a really sweet, compassionate, Christian nurse and a great view of the mountains. This hospital experience was quite different from the last one - I was well-cared for and treated with respect and compassion.

We're home now. I have drugs to help with the pain and anxiety. I've received a number of private messages and e-mails from MDCers. I can't thank you enough for caring. After the August miscarriage I thought I had hit rock bottom. After the second miscarriage I was sure I had hit rock bottom. These past 2 days have truly been the worst days of my life, and I'm having a hard time seeing my way out.

To top it all off, the OB said that my cesarean scar is too thin to ever try vaginal birth. I have been 5 times betrayed by my body. I'll never be the same.

Sorry it this is a difficult read for some of you. I just don't know where else to "verbalize" the intense despair that I am experiencing.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Oh, Kimberly, I am so so sorry.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Kimberly, I am so very sorry.
There really are no adequate words.
Many hugs to you.
Please take gentle care.

EM


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

kimberly, I am so so so very sorry for your loss. I've been wanting to email you but I just couldn't find the words yet. You so do not deserve this. 3 losses is just more than anyone should have to bear. I'm glad your hospital stay was better than last time and hopefully you will be able to be physically comfortable w/ the drugs they gave you. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of healing vibes to you and your family. There aren't really words to express this kind of devastation. Many, many hugs to you, mama. Always feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
much love, jenna


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I'm so very sorry


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

There are no adequate words. I am just so incredibly sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you.


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## Carley (Aug 16, 2005)

I am so sorry


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

Oh Kimberly, it is exactly what I just went through this past week. I totally feel and understand your grief, and send you so many hugs and warm healing thoughts. The pain can get totally engulfing, like it is going to sweep you right away or just flatten you! Sometimes I feel numb, in fact I feel like that a lot. I give myself permission to cry and grieve, but it's like, my mind cannot handle so much grief and only allows me to feel it in short, sharp bouts. Maybe it's better that way. I dunno. I think it makes the grief drag out longer probably.

There is nothing I can say to lessen your pain, I know that. I just send you lots of hugs. You and I were on the same exact pregnancy calendar. Let's hope that our babies just decided that they felt like playing together somewhere in the universe, they were having too much fun to do the hard work of coming to earth right now. I like to think of my little baby as back in her angel body, just hanging around somewhere above me, watching us and playing, missing us as much as we miss her but knowing she'll come to us when she's ready.

Yesterday I was with my 5-yr-old (my true angel on earth), we were taking a hot bath. I was worried I might bleed in the water, but I didn't. Anyway, I was very quiet, and she said, "Mommy, are you missing the baby?"
"Yes, honey, I miss the baby very very much."
"Where is the baby now?"
"In heaven, honey." (Well, I didn't know what else to say, it might be true, and I knew it would make my little girl comforted. Even though we don't talk much about religion, but just go to a really nice church every weekend.)
My girl's face literally lit up and she said, "You mean, she's with the ANGELS? Hey Mom, you know what? She'll get BIGGER there!"
I was so happy when she said that. Fresh from heaven herself, the little one knows what she is talking about too.
She added, "She's going to get THIS BIG!" and stretched out her hands with a big grin. "And then we'll get to meet her later, because I think she'll want to come to our family later." Another big grin from her.

This conversation was more precious and healing to me than any other. I hope it gives you some joy too.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Kimberly, I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss, and the shock and the pain that came with it.








I hope you are surrounded with love and comfort and people to hold you up when you need it.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Kimberly,

Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Please post when you can and PM if you need to. There are no words to express how sad I am for you.

Please take care.

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

Oh, Kimberly, I am so so sorry for your loss


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry, Kimberly.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm thinking about you, Kimberly. I hope you can find the answers you need.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Kimberly -
I'm so sorry. You've been deal a really tough hand. No doubt. My prayers are with you and your family. Gather your strength to make it through the coming weeks. D.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I really don't know what to say.


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

All I can say is thank you for your kindness. It means so very much.

I'm still here.

~ Kimberly


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

kimberly, your experience has brought tears to my eyes.
i'm so sorry, and i wish life was more fair for all of us.
i wish you strength and all the nurturing you need in the coming months.


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## shannjane (Feb 13, 2008)

I am so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately I understand a little bit about what you are going through. I have had three losses in the past 7-9 months. The pain of going through them is mentally exhausting. We are also trying to stay poisitive and think about the many people who go through multiple miscarriages and still have children.
I feel that we don't even get excited about pregnancy anymore and just wait for the doctor to tell us that there is no heartbeat and give us options again and again
It's hard to even identify what the grieving process is supposed to be for this. My thoughts are with you and if you ever need to commiserate, vent or share anything I am just a click away.It's nice to have people who have gone through similar experiences because our friends and family mean well----but don't completely know how this feels.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## hazeleyes (Sep 20, 2006)

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry to hear about your loss.


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

Gosh, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say but I know there are no words.
((((((Hugs)))))))))


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labortrials* 
Sorry it this is a difficult read for some of you. I just don't know where else to "verbalize" the intense despair that I am experiencing.

Kimberly,







I am sorry for everything you are working through. I really appreciate all of your openness here and on your blog. I read your words with sadness, but also with hope. It's comforting to read the griefs, that are each unique, but that we all share. Thank you. I wish you continued healing.


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## A Mothers Love (Nov 1, 2006)

So very sorry.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

I am so sorry for all you have been through.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I am so very sorry. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.


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## MaryLang (Jun 18, 2004)

I am so sorry


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

Thank you all for your support. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have somewhere to write this where people would understand what it means. Pregnancy loss is so intangible and transient for people who haven't been through it, no matter how well they mean.








Kimberly


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Just wanted to send you lots of hugs & love


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

Kimberly, I just want you to know that you are still in my thoughts daily. Sending you much love...


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hugs Kimberly!! From one mom to another. I understand your pain, as you know about my three losses last year. But I am 3 months past the last one and I am surviving and living. I will pray that you will do the same. Noone should have to go through what you are going through one time, let alone three times. I'm thinking of you!


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss. YOu and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## maryjane (Jul 13, 2004)

. I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine how sad and betrayed you must feel.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I understand... Just lost my third myself.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

Kimberly -- I just read your story and wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your losses. I intimately understand your feelings...


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Kimberly


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Kimberly, my heart bleeds for you!! I am so sorry...








Just able to get online again after returning from our trip, and wondering how everyone is doing... this was the last thing I expected.







Prayers and strength to you....


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