# Angry Boys (11yo)



## anansay (Feb 25, 2002)

This is my first time posting in Mothering in a LONG time so I hope I haven't done this wrong. I've looked and haven't found a thread that deals with this. If there is, just point me to it and I'd be very grateful.

Here's my dilemna:

I have a 11yo son (and a 12yod and 9yod). He's been angry for the last... 5 years. And it's gotten worse. Now, maybe that five years has coincided with the time when his father and I split up, or maybe it's simply hormones, or maybe I've been doing something wrong all this time.
My son is very angry. He blows up at everything. Nothing pleases him. He hates everything, and I mean everything: school, home, what I make for supper, what I ask him to do. He'll scream and yell and rant and rave and throw himself to the ground in a fit. I can ask him nothing!

In school: he bugs the other children until they tell the teacher and when the teacher does something about it, he claims it's because she hates him. He has been moved around in the classroom about five times since September to try and find someplace where he can't bug the other students. Now his desk is facing the blackboard and he has to turn to the side to see the teacher. The other students are behind him. He doesn't understand why he can't just get up and go see the teacher himself. He doesn't understand why no one wants to play with him--he can be quite rough with people. He hates to follow any type of rules for anything: in games, behavior, anything.
If he sees something he wants, he takes it. Then he lies about it.
He has broken every single one of his toys since birth. The only one he has left are his Legos, because they CAN be broken and the put back together.
Nothing of ours (the family) is sacred, he'll just go and get it and keep it. I've tried to teach him that if it isn't his, then don't touch it. He doesn't understand/care.

I swear I am terrified of what his life is going to be.

He was homeschooled from birth until this past September. (there was an 8-month school 'thing' from sept99-apr00 when I pulled them ALL out). I did the unschooling approach. He knows how to read very well. He is really good at math/numbers. His writing is absolutely atrocious! He knows many things, except how to behave/act like a conscientous 11yo person. It's almost like he's still 5 years old in his head and still in that very selfish, very greedy stage of life.
He was breastfed until 18 months. I used the 'don't offer/don't refuse' "method" and he weaned at 18 months, in other words: ceased to ask. He slept with me in the family bed until he was about seven. Then it was a very slow process to get him to sleep elsewhere. Now he's sleepin with his 9yo sister (only because my brother is staying with us until xmas and there really isn't any other place for him to sleep.) But he would sleep with her anyway. He doesn't like to be alone at night, but I honestly cannot sleep with him: he moves around so much and kicks off the blankets, and yanks up the comforter and he's ALWAYS touching me: his foot or his hand has be in some way connected to my body.

He doesn't see very much of his father. He's married to another woman with her two children and their new baby (3yog). His father works a LOT and therefore not really there for him, or his other children. Even when they visit him he's too busy with other things to spend any sort of time with them. So they all come home frustrated.

There's not really any other men in my life (my brothers all have their own life and don't really have time for such an unruly boy. My father lives too far away and my step-father... doesn't like him).

He doesn't see how his actions have a direct link to the consequences he's experiencing. According to him, it's everybody else's fault!

I know this is a very long post and I hope I've been more or less clear in it.

If anybody is experiencing this kind of anger, or knows of any books, or any advice... Is this normal? What can I do? What shouldn't I do?
(I'll tell you this: my patience is zero right now and I'm not being a very good mother to him these days, or to my other children. We are all being affected by this. I've come very close to quitting my job... but I can't quit because I have nothing else to live on.)

Thank you for reading this far.

-Anansay


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Hi, this must really be wearing you down. My ds1 is 11 and just starting to get a bit teen-grumpy but he is not angry (as yet).

The lack of men in his life may be an issue but you have already identified that. Being surrounded by women at this age in the family and at school with a female teacher may be adding to his feeling that no-one understands him.

The only thing I can think of to offer you is that there may be something constructive that he would enjoy doing and if he can focus on that and find some pride and achievement there, that may fan out into the rest of his life.


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## anansay (Feb 25, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *orangefoot*
Hi, this must really be wearing you down. My ds1 is 11 and just starting to get a bit teen-grumpy but he is not angry (as yet).

I am worn down.









Quote:

The lack of men in his life may be an issue but you have already identified that. Being surrounded by women at this age in the family and at school with a female teacher may be adding to his feeling that no-one understands him.
Heck, even the cat is female!

Quote:

The only thing I can think of to offer you is that there may be something constructive that he would enjoy doing and if he can focus on that and find some pride and achievement there, that may fan out into the rest of his life.
The thing is (and I really don't mean to shoot down perfectly great suggestions) he is so temperamental about succeeding that if he doesn't get it on the very first try, he gets very frustrated and refuses to try again.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

*The Trouble With Boys* by Angela Phillips

I think that could really help. Talks about the pressures and problems boys face in society. Has chapters on boys without fathers etc. Really really good book. Just had a look on www.abebooks.com and found a second hand copy for $1 so it shouldn't be too hard to get hold of.

Cal xx


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

Might want to consider having him assessed for depression. Teenage depression is often more irritable than sad. It is like everything (not just mom) is nails on the blackboard. Also, consequences often don't work because they hurt so bad,nothing you do to them has much impact. On the other hand, boys roughest years are 10-13 and by 14 you can sometimes start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would suggest at least trying to find a family therapist to help you. Good luck, I was often temped to just leave my eldest on the side of the road to save us both some misery. He's a lot better now but did need antidepressants from 10-17.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Have you approached the school to have your son evaluated for an Emotional Disability? While it sounds bad, whatever his emotions are, they are preventing him from having a successful school experience (one of the criteria for ED), they have been going on for more than 6 months (another criteria) and they are not related to a specific experience (another criteria - although they may have been associated with your breakup, 5 years later is no longer directly connected with it.)

I would ask them to do this because then he would be eligible for free counseling, therapy, etc. from the school as well as to have actual goals for helping him deal with his anger in the classroom (and this often affects his behavior at home too) and to help his teacher make accomodations for him.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I would also read "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian.

I would do your research and see if you can get him a male mentor. Big Brothers and Sisters, church groups, sports (serves 2 purposed), Boy Scout (or like groups).

Some of these groups will reduce cost if you are financially unable to afford it. You have to sometimes ask.


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

s to you









Don't really have anything to add. The book suggestions are great.

I have a 10 year old ds who has a short fuse. And a very angry, depressed brother. Talking to someone other than mom always helps. He probably could benefit from some sort of counselor.

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like you are on top of it though. Your son is lucky!


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## beatgirl (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh mama...11 is a tough age no matter what the sex.

My 15yo dd went through a weird and difficult time at that age and now my ds who is 11 is driving me nuts too!

He does the 'blame game' too. he has an excuse for everything...and not very good ones. He just doesnt want to take responsibility for anything...ever! It is really frustrating because he is a loving and sweet child with a huge heart but I definitely blame hormones for a large part of his behavioI am divorced but my ex and I are best friends and he sees him everyday. We have the exact same techniques as far as parenting goes so I know thats not it...with us at least. I am also with my new partner of 3 years and they get along pretty well...so having men around is important but its not the whole answer.

I also have a 13 month old dd...so being outnumbered by girls is a way of life around here. I sometimes feel he is resentful of the new baby but he loves her to pieces and vis versa.

When these situations arise...I try to sit down with him and find the 'root' of the problem. He always says that he will work on the problem and 'promises' to never do it again....but no matter what privelages I take away...he goes right back to the bad habits. We dont want him to develop bad habits for the future...so we try to communicate with him as much as possible and just hope that some of it sticks....I feel your pain mama.

This will pass...but the waiting sucks!


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## paganmommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I have an 11 year old boy and I am also a social worker. It seems there are many issues at hand here. I would suspect you are correct that he is reacting to your divorce and his absent father and his anger would be appropriate in those circumstances. I am hearing that you are really not liking your son very much right now and this is not meant to be a judgmental statement. We all go through periods where we don't like our children. His needing to touch you and be next to you sounds like a way to be closer yet I fully understand how that is, as my six year old does the same thing. My 11 year old sleeps on the futon in front of my bed and will go in and out as he feels safe and will sleep in his room occasionally.

I am also hearing some disturbing behavior at school and his inability to empathize and his manipulation of the situation by saying no one likes him. That is coming from another source and I suspect he is feeling that from many people; his father and you as well, as you said you don't want him near you at night. I would also suspect that you are holding onto your anger towards him and this is getting played out in many ways.

I seriously recommend that you seek family counseling. This isn't going away and I would also say that as he gets older you will see more destructive behaviors if it is not addressed now. I wish you well and hope that you both find your way back to each other.

Blessed Be, Nancy


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