# need some support



## naiade (May 4, 2015)

I was informed that I had a missed miscarriage (11 weeks LMP, only 7 weeks developed) on the 9th of June, and have had a horrible month, ending in an emergency D&C. Throughout this horrible experience I have been told many times that I was over reacting, or otherwise been expected to carry on as nothing was happening. I guess I just want to vent my experience here, and ask for some kind words from anyone willing to read through this... sorry this is very long...

On the 8th of June I went to my midwife for a check up, and ultrasound to get a better idea of a due date (I have really long cycles that make it hard to pin down ovulation). The midwife told me that baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks, and that there was no heartbeat. I was sent for a second opinion, and same result. I was immediately scheduled for an appointment with the affiliated OB to determine "what steps were next". I decided to go the misoprostol route. 

I took the pills that afternoon. If you can believe it, I decided to not to postpone taking the pills because my MIL insisted on celebrating my husband and sister in law's birthday the next day, even though we asked for her to change the date several times. In fairness, she knew nothing of the pregnancy or miscarriage at this point, but the culture of the family is one of zero sympathy, and heavy judgement against any person that shares/has difficulty in their life, accompanied by attempts to force that person to act as if everything is just peachy. Keeping them in the dark protected me against a running commentary about how I was reacting to crippling morning sickness and prenatal depression, and after the miscarriage protected me against her meddling while my body did what it needed to do. 

My husband and I tried to keep up a front of quiet wellness throughout everything. But as the month went on, I became exhausted like I've never been before. Apparently becoming very anemic. I kept passing huge clots, but the nurse from the OB office told me I was overreacting, and that what I was experiencing was totally normal. But something in my gut told me something was wrong. Then on the 26th my bleeding went from dark to bright red, and I would have these... episodes, lasting 3 hours or so where I would bleed so badly, and pass huge clots, that I would need to change pads every 15 minutes. I called the OB office again, and was told I was overreacting. This was nearly 3 weeks after taking the pills. And the sudden change in color and amount of blood- I was sure something wasn't right. My husband was frightened by this whole situation, and called around to get a second opinion on what was "normal". No appointment was available anywhere for 2 days. The episodes continued and terrified us through the weekend. I went to my appointment with the new OB Monday morning, and was told "nope not normal", but you're fine for now. Was scheduled for an ultrasound the next day. Was sent home, and started bleeding more than I had even seen before. Pads were a joke. I had to stay on the toilet. I called the OB I saw for a second opinion, and she said "get to the ER". 

Enter the horrible MIL. We were scared, and needed care for our 5 year old, and we had no idea how long we would need help with her. We saw no other choice but to ask for help with childcare from my in laws. My husband called my MIL, and her first response to the news that 1) I had been pregnant, 2) that I had miscarried, and 3) that I was bleeding so badly we were going to the ER was: "The ER? why? what for?" My husband told her that our OB determined that I was _hemorrhaging_ and needed to go to the ER, and she reluctantly agreed to come to get our daughter. She took _forever_ getting to us, and showed up like nothing was going on, and said "sorry- I was getting gas". Then she looks at me and says "ok, see you later". We go to the ER, where things were insanely slow and bureaucratic, but very compassionate, gentle and competent. Two hours into our wait for an ultrasound (to identify where the retained tissue was) MIL calls my husband and says that they will happen to be by our house within the hour, and could they return our daughter to us then? My husband was incredulous, and said no, and that they would likely need to keep her for the night. They reluctantly agreed. I can't imagine what they were thinking. You can't "walk off" hemorrhaging. Pretending nothing is wrong when hemorrhaging leads to death, I'm pretty sure. Later that evening, after the ultrasound, but before the hospital OBGYN had come to transfer me to their department for the D&C, MIL called again and asked when the following morning she could drop my daughter off. My husband was incredulous again, and said that she should plan on keeping her at least through the end of the work day. I was discharged at 3 am, sent home, slept. My husband had to go to work, so I just slept all day. Then I get a call that the in laws want to go out to dinner near us, and that way everyone gets fed, and they get to drop off our daughter. I'm too fuzzy headed to say that it's not a great idea, so we go. They pretend nothing has happened. A little over 12 hours before I was in surgery to save my life, and there we are pretending like nothing has happened. In fact, MIL tells me how great it is to be a grandparent, because you don't have to follow parenting rules, and shares that she let my daughter stay up till midnight, skip nap, eat candy and do a bunch of other things that I have rules against. So, my daughter is a hellion at dinner- overtired, sugar saturated and rule testing. And I'm the one trying to manage her behavior! The drugs from the D&C were still floating around my system, and soothing and disciplining her was sooo hard- my brain felt like running though concrete. 

That was Tuesday. No word from them at all till Thursday, when we start getting harassed about going to a 4th of July party on Friday (yes, the 3rd). Its a big family ordeal. And the calls and texts keep coming. she won't stop with the questions "why not?", "oh come on", "what if we do x, y or z"? The only answer she would accept would be a yes. My husband had to work, so I took my daughter by myself to the party, which started at 8 pm and went to 11. Which isn't great timing for a 5 year old, or my anemic person. No one so much as asked me how I was doing. and as I'm leaving, my MIL invites herself over to our house the following morning for our neighborhood 4th of July parade. Our house was a wreck, b/c DH had been working so much, and I was busy either losing blood, or recovering from the D&C. And I wasn't sure if we would necessarily participate in the parade because we were all so tired. DH texted his Mom and told her that he wasn't sure of the time of the parade, and would get back to her. He tells me that this phrasing is the only way to get off the hook- if you say "no" she boundary stomps and pushes, but if you say "maybe" and put her off till its too late, you can make things work out. And that's what happened. On to that evening, the 4th of July, my sister in law invites us all over to her house, and local fireworks. More of the same bullshit. Ending in my inlaws not telling me how far the walk was to where they wanted to see the fireworks, and me walking 2 miles to where they were being set off. We could have seen them from my sister in laws house. But nooooo. FIL and MIL like to be close. 

so I'm exhausted. I have crushing headaches related to blood loss. I haven't even really processed the miscarriage. I have twinges of panic surrounding memories of the gushing blood and the D&C. I had cramping earlier today, and I'm near-tears scared that I'll start bleeding again. And the people I have most contact with are pushing, pushing that nothing is wrong, and that I need to do more, and be more-than normal.


So sorry for this epically long post. Any kind words would be soo appreciated.


----------



## Nemi27 (Mar 11, 2015)

naiade said:


> I was informed that I had a missed miscarriage (11 weeks LMP, only 7 weeks developed) on the 9th of June, and have had a horrible month, ending in an emergency D&C. Throughout this horrible experience I have been told many times that I was over reacting, or otherwise been expected to carry on as nothing was happening. I guess I just want to vent my experience here, and ask for some kind words from anyone willing to read through this... sorry this is very long...
> 
> On the 8th of June I went to my midwife for a check up, and ultrasound to get a better idea of a due date (I have really long cycles that make it hard to pin down ovulation). The midwife told me that baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks, and that there was no heartbeat. I was sent for a second opinion, and same result. I was immediately scheduled for an appointment with the affiliated OB to determine "what steps were next". I decided to go the misoprostol route.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear this horrible story! I realize that you want to have your MIL and family involved in your life, but I really think you and your husband and daughter should withdraw from spending as much time with them until you are much stronger and able to hand it" emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

It sounds as if they are very selfish and critical. I grew up in a similar household where anyone who was sick/injured was expected to pretend that everything was ok and to carry on for the team. Really though I think it was all about one person being kind of a bully and everyone else always enabling them. Weakness was seen as something really bad, even though now looking back we were all really weak and conforming.
It took me a really long time to grow out of that and part of it was not spending lots of time with my family because I moved away.

I really think that you and your husband and daughter need to grove out time without your MIL and create larger boundaries. Even if she has a 'fit' or whatever. It's about your peace of mind and health. You really shouldn't be running around. You need to take care of yourself and it's obvious she is really selfish because she doesn't seem to care about your daughter (filling her with sugar and letting her stay up isn't loving, it's making your daughter unhealthy and crabby... of course a bit of that with grandma is always ok).

Anyway, take care of yourself! Stay off your feet and rest. Eat some nourishing foods. Don't stress about the house. Let your little one watch a movie and color or other things that allow you both to be quiet. 
Good luck!


----------



## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

IF you like oj and molasses, that can help boost your hemoglobin fast. Rest also, but you know that.

And take your dh's advice about putting her off. Or just tell your MIL to check with your dh. If possible, hire a professional babysitter for your child so you can recover. You are going to need it.


----------



## naiade (May 4, 2015)

thank you ladies. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to protect myself and my family by limiting our exposure to her. I've made suggestions in that direction before, but it really distresses DH, who grew up with this, and has some coping mechanisms for her brand of crazy. In addition DHs work situation has become pretty stressful/ generally awful, so I am super hesitant to add to his troubles by telling him that his mother is toxic to me. I just feel like if it was one problem I could handle it, but everything seems to be closing in on me at the same time... 

thanks for the recommendation applejuice. I am looking for anything that will get me better faster.


----------



## avocet (Apr 8, 2014)

I am so sorry about your loss and the lack of support you have received. You deserve more support. It seems like some people can be so callous about birth loss, and others just need to be educated about it. I hope you can take the time to heal, and value your own needs through this process even though others are trying to minimize the physical and emotional pain you are working through. Maybe you can set some clear boundaries about contact with your MIL (who sounds awful) without getting too into processing why with your DH. I find if I am calm and clear about things with my partner, and not trying to get his approval about my choice but simply stating what will work for me it gets me better results. It is totally fine to say "no" to her once, and then refuse to engage further if she can't accept a "no". I have learned for myself how important it is to set clear boundaries about my needs instead of hoping others will show up in the way I need. And if they don't like the boundaries they might throw a little fit at first but end up showing me much more respect in the long run.

I had a missed miscarriage and loss at 12 weeks last year, followed by a hemmorhage and emergency d and c a month later and it took me months to fully recover. Looking back I wish I would have been more gentle with myself and not put so much pressure on myself to be better right away. Being anemic sucks! Its so hard to function. I took a floradix type supplement (homemade but same idea) and also made smoothies with raw beef liver. I have always been a super active person but it really took a good month before I could go on a walk with out my ears ringing. I also tried to eat tons of leafy greens and cook in cast iron. 

Many blessings to you in your recovery process. I have a couple books on birth loss, and if you want them I would be happy to drop them in the mail to you, just pm your address.


----------



## t2009 (Sep 1, 2009)

I am just so saddened to read your story @naiade. I'm so sorry you are not only dealing with the loss & related health issues but also the mental anguish of a difficult & callous family. I hope that you can find the support & love that you need & deserve in this difficult time (& always). I like the advice above to say no once & then disengage (stop responding). I think that will be important for you as you heal over the next month or two. Give yourself time--I didn't hemorrhage and it took me a solid month to get my hemoglobin/iron stores (& energy) back up. You need rest & nourishing foods. Perhaps now isn't the time to discuss family relationships with your DH if he's stressed out (& grieving) but you certainly can ask him for help in concrete ways (honey, make me a steak! Or please take our daughter to the park after work so I can take a nap). Many healing vibes & hugs to you!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## PitBullMom (Sep 22, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the horrible way you're being treated.

I really think you need to put up more than a boundary, put up a wall. "No, we are not coming." Period, end of story. That woman is toxic, and it sounds like your husband plays to it. You need to take care of yourself and your child, and mourn the loss of your baby. The next thing she suggests - out to dinner, party or whatever... the answer is "No, I can not attend." and that's it. Forcing yourself into more stressful situations is not going to help you in your physical or emotional recovery.

And, quite frankly, I would seek some joint therapy for you and your husband so he can learn how unhealthy this whole situation is. Just because he's used to it doesn't mean it's functional.

Please, take care of yourself.


----------

