# oldest is 10, am I craZy to want another baby?



## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

I have a 7 yr old ds and a 10 yr old ds.....I have never felt the urge to have another child, until now! I fear that I have no idea what's in store for me now that the boys are getting a bit older. My boys are really great, we have really wonderful relationships. Can this change in the teen/preteen years? Am I going to have too much to deal with that a baby would distract me from? I guess really I'm starting to get worried in advance - sex, peer pressures, alcohol. Anyone have any experience they can share?


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## Mamame (Sep 21, 2004)

I say, if your DH is for it, go for it! I have 4 kids - 2, 4, 12 and 14 so there's an 8 year gap. It certainly wasn't planned but I have to say, it's a great way to have kids! LOL - I have a bit more freedom since I have built-in babysitters and the girls (there's the one difference) are wonderful with the little ones. My girls are so happy to be sisters to little ones and love to show off the kids to everyone. I'm not sure how that would work with boys but they're young enough that they'll probably enjoy the little ones too! Teen years can be different but nothing says that you're going to have hard times with your boys and that having a baby would make it that much harder. The only tough thing that I find is, now that my oldest is in high school (she was homeschooled up until now) is getting up in the morning after a rough night with the baby - or staying up late with the teen to talk when you were up at 5 AM with a baby who was all set to play that morning.







There's definate pros and cons but I don't think you'd regret having another baby but that's really up to you and DH.

Ann


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I was 8 when my liitle bro was born and I think it was a good thing. Maybe having a little one to be a good role model for will make dealing with those presures easier...


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## onthemove (Aug 5, 2004)

my best friend wanted another baby when her youngest was 6. She had an older dd 8. she was blessed with twin boys and the older two are such a great help to her and best of all company. she is sooo pleased with the way things worked out. She is doing amazing.


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## CincoDeMama (Dec 9, 2001)

one of my favorite aspects of being a mother to many widely spaced children has been seeing my oldest ds (15) interact with my newborn









i've seen the future and already know what kind of father he'll one day be.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4xmamamia*
i've seen the future and already know what kind of father he'll one day be.


Ditto. My oldest was 9 when our youngest was born. Dd was 5. Ds1 was there for the birth and has been just wonderful with his little brother all along. In fact, he couldn't wait until he could babysit, which is really nice for me! Ds2 adores his big brother. The only snag we've hit so far is that the older is needing more private time lately and the younger doesn't "get it." He wants to play with his brother all the time!

But that's certainly not a biggie.

We had been expecting another baby, and my kids would have been 14, 10 and 5 at that time. The age range didn't concern me in the least.

Good luck with your decision.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

My mom had my baby sister when I was 18 and my brothers were 14 and 10. I love it. I was at the birth and cut the cord, and my sister has been the greatest gift.


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## doctorjen (May 29, 2003)

My oldest was nearly 15 when my youngest was born, and my middle 2 were 6 and 8. I wouldn't change a thing and really enjoy how all my children interact. There's nothing like seeing your teenage son carry his baby sister around in a sling at a varsity cross country meet!


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

you can see by my signature line my oldest is 10 years older than our youngest. Wasn't planned but turned out very well. My mother is 5th of 15 kids and is far older than her youngest siblings- her 3 youngest brothers are closer to me in age.


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

This is just what I wanted to hear. How nice that you all have experience with this in one way or another. Each of you said something that made me smile. My boys really would like to have a new brother/sister. If it weren't for DH I probably wouldn't be wondering about having another, he is only 35 and I'm 34....he thinks in 10 years we're going to be too tired to be chasing kids around the soccer fields and so forth







I think kids keep you young! I have to admit as my boys are getting older and need me less...I miss that! My Mom says I should go back to school or get a full time job, but I love being a sahm.


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## lisahas2cats (May 4, 2004)

I have two children...DS will be 15 y/o in March, and DD just turned 3 months old. So far it's been a marvelous experience...DS is now getting confident about picking up his baby sister (he was nervous before because her head was "too wobbly"), and they will just sit and study each other's faces, grinning and making sounds. While DS was pretty skeeved about BF in the beginning, he's now comfortable enough that he'll sit right beside me while I'm nursing her (he covers his eyes while I latch, tho...LOL).

Having a baby has led naturally to many topics that would have come up in a more artificial, forced way otherwise: sexual abstinence before marriage, responsibility, choices, abortion, love, relationships, even depression. While we've had many of these talks over the years, having a baby makes it more tangible to him.

Lisa


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## Kerlowyn (Mar 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisahas2cats*
Having a baby has led naturally to many topics that would have come up in a more artificial, forced way otherwise: sexual abstinence before marriage, responsibility, choices, abortion, love, relationships, even depression. While we've had many of these talks over the years, having a baby makes it more tangible to him.


I could not agree more with this! Most of the topics Lisa mentioned, my oldest DS and I have discussed, all due to having the 2 younger children.
I know I am having a positive influence on my oldest DS (11.5) on how he will someday parent his own children. We talk often about the choices DH and I have made, like cloth diapering, GD, not circ-ing, BFing, selective delayed vax, etc.... We let DS know about the research we have done, and about how we came to do things the way we do.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Didn't have time to read the responses, but when I was born my mother's oldest was 12 and her youngest was 7. Growing up it was a fabulous experience and mom thinks she was a better mother to me than for the others. She says she was far more relaxed about bed times, temper tantrums etc. Plus all of her contemporaries were thrilled to have a baby to hold again, so I got a lot of in-arms time.

I have two sisters and a brother and I'm pretty close with them, given they are all over 1,000 miles away. My sisters have children around the age of mine, so we have 5 under 5 now! We have a lot in common. My mom wasn't exactly a soccer mom, but she did give up smoking when I was 5 and she couldn't pull me and the sled up the hill. Sure, she probably had less energy, but she also had more help, unlike when she had 3 children in 5 years. I think it was a fine experience, she had a lot of life knowledge to pass on. Comparative religions for example was something she knew a lot about and was able to talk to me about those things. Mom is 76 now and still going strong.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I really want another one as well. For many reasons. I will be forty next year, but I'm still very healthy. I most likely will talk DH into it.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

My kids are 12, 10, 7 and our new little bundle o' joy is 3 months-old. The big kids are so wonderful with their new little sister. The other day the 7yo said "Eve is the best thing that has ever happened to me!" And I know my husband and I are more relaxed parents this time around. We realize how fast it all goes by. I say go for it!


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## Maggi315 (Aug 31, 2003)

Well, I'd have to say, no you are not crazy. I am pregnant with #5 and my oldest two are almost 15 and 10. I know many large families and the teens really adore their small siblings. I think it teaches them so much about love, kindness, sharing, responsibility. I mean, why get them a hamster, when they can have a baby? LOL. My two oldest are girls and are already fighting over who will be holding the baby more, etc. etc. Although, I do know from experience that will wear off quicklly enough!

Good luck with whatever decision you make!


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

It is so nice to read all of your responses, what nice kids you all seem to have.







I've started talking to my DH about it, he may be a hard sell. He went to the doctor yesterday due to some back pain and also asked him about a recommendation on a doc. for a vasectomy. I knew he was going to ask while he was there, so it wasn't a surprise to me. We've talked about that for a while now. I swear until last week or so, I didn't want any more children. I was happy as things were. Now I'm just not so sure. I know this isn't a crazy idea, I don't know why I put that in my thread topic title. I think this is just a very natural maternal reaction to several factors one especially being how independent my boys are becoming. Perhaps my change in view point has been as a result of all the nice stories you all have shared.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

My oldest is almost 12, middle is almost 10...and the baby will be 1 a week from today. It was NOT how I planned things, as things were getting so much easier.

BUT...things aren't as hard with a little one as I remember niether. Partly because of how relaxed my parenting style has become, partly because the older ones ARE a big help (I can shower whenever I want to, always someone there to keep an eye on him! :LOL )

I just wonder if the change of heart is BECAUSE of the finality your DH is putting on it? I've never been a baby person, was perfectly content with my older two. The baby was an OOPSIE!, but now that he's not so much a baby anymore, and I had my tubes tied...I'm feeling a tiny "pang" that he IS my last. KWIM?


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

That may well be one of the maternal factors I was speaking of, it was something on my mind.


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## velcromom (Sep 23, 2003)

I have one boy 13 yrs and one who is 2. It is a lot of fun for both of them. It's great to see them together, and to have a helping hand too - big brother is proud of his childcare skills and how much help he is to me. It does take purposeful concentration by both parents to make sure the older one gets the kind of attention he needs. I have a lot of support from dh on that. I wouldn't change a thing and in fact we may have another in a year or two!

But I think most of us feel a pang when we come to the end of our babymaking years... I know my sis has bad babylust and says it's a darn good thing she had her tubes tied because she knows realistically three children are enough for her. It's that female biological drive, I think.







So she tells ME to have more kids instead!! :LOL


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

As long as you're sure it's a baby you want and not just the babylust from having the older ones get older, I think a wide age gap can be great fun. It definitely has its disadvantages though so think it through.


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## ombra*luna (May 1, 2003)

My kids were those exact ages (10 and 7) when our little guy was born and it's been great. They each get along much better with youngest ds than they do with each other (I say this as they sit on opposite couches gesturing as if they were throwing stuff at each other) and it's very nice to have him.

Btw I was 43 and dh was 40 when he was born.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

My oldest was 11 when I had my second. He is a great help, it was like my second child was also an only child, my son being old enough to count as an grown up in her eyes!


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## fourangels (Jun 23, 2004)

I don't have time to read all the responses, but I wanted to share. I have 4 children. Their ages are 14, 8, 3 and 3 mos. Quite the gap. My oldest is a boy and is so in love with his baby sister. I am really glad that he is having this experience. I really feel it is going to help him to be a wonderful Daddy! My 8yo is a girl and is a mother hen so is a wonderful help with the littles. I say, if everyone in the family has positive feelings about adding another little one then go for it! Letting the boys witness the birth will add greatly to the bonding process!


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## threeforme2005 (Sep 12, 2004)

I say go for it too! My oldest DD is 11 years old and she was 10 when I gave birth to her little brother







She was a huge help when the baby was born. I have just recently (11 days ago) given her a little sister too and it's nice to have such an age gap between the oldest and youngest.


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## 2boys2girls (Feb 10, 2005)

If both you and your husband desire another child, then go for it! I have 4, and I had 12 years between the oldest and the youngest. Was it hard, at times, yes! Would I do it all over again, YES!! I had the last two only two years apart, so they had each other. It has sort of been like raising two sets. But I managed better, having the older ones be independant, while the little ones were young, for me that helped. Even though I spent many a day nursing a baby at the baseball field, driving to 3 different schools each morning. You need to know that it's not easy, but it's well worth it. I'm glad I started out young, because you definetely do NOT have the same energy level as you go past 40. I'm also glad that I'm not finished parenting, had I had them all close together, I would be done, and I know that I would not be ready for that. For me, spacing made for a more enjoyable experience. But I might also add, there were very hard times when I had a difficult teen (who was a really good kid before that time), and a toddler who was also testing the boundaries. All in all, I wouldn't change a thing! You've got to look at the big picture.


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

It is so nice that all of you took the time to share.

I don't think DH is willing to go for it


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

My boys are 25, 22, and 16. The oldest was 8 when the youngest was born. There are times that I am just plain tired of being a mom. However, my situation is unusual. My husband left us while I was pregnant with the youngest. I decided not to date and have been a single mom 24/7. We homeschool and it feels like I have been doing that forever.

Until last fall we all lived together and I helped my two oldest with whatever they needed help with while they were going to college. Last fall we moved for me to finish my doctorate. The 22 year old is working full-time as a nurse and is a part-time student. He has his own university apartment. My youngest and I also live in a university apartment but a different complex.

There is nowhere to park on campus and I drive him to his classes and sometimes his girlfriend. My 16 year old works and doesn't want to get his driver's license. People drive crazy and we see all kinds of accidents in this university town. I drive him back and forth to work at Subway. I am a full-time doctoral student. I do work for my courses while my son is working. He usually works 4-5 hours a day. He has bipolar disorder and it is a lot easier now that we aren't together ALL the time. No one should have to be around a bipolar teen 24/7. He does do well on medication and is well like at work.

I think it is as important to be a as close to a full-time mom as possible for teen-agers as it is for babies and young children. My kids have really appreciated me being a full-time mom, homeschooling them, and being there to help them as college students. My 16 year old is home alone while I am gone to classes 2-3 nights a week and he misses me. I will have my regular classes done this semester and then will work on my dissertation at home. The plan is for me to get my EdD about the same time my middle son gets married and my youngest passes the GED. I will also celebrate my 50th birthday.


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

I'd say go for it!!!! There are 7y kids in my family. The oldest is 23 and the youngest is 2!!!!!! There are five years between me and the oldest and me and my youngest brothers. In my husband's family the oldest is 34 and the youngest is 19. They get along great!!!!! They are constantly doing things. As long as you think you could handle it I'd say go for it. Age is never a big deal between siblings in my opinion.


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## cresorchid (Nov 14, 2004)

If it's truly what you want, great! I am pregnant with my 2nd now and my 1st will be turning 17 next week (the largest age dif on this list so far). I'm not at all sorry. I wanted another for a long time, but as I'm single, everybody kept trying to talk me out of it, and being a single parent already I knew how important support it.

I finally approached my 40th birthday and realized, it's now or never. It took me a year to get pregnant, but I have never been happier.

My only concern in your situation is that your husband obviously doesn't share this desire. At least not yet. Unless he comes around wholeheartedly, you will probably either not have that child or have a good likelihood of becoming a single parent down the road some.


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## threeforme2005 (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cresorchid*
If it's truly what you want, great! I am pregnant with my 2nd now and my 1st will be turning 17 next week (the largest age dif on this list so far). I'm not at all sorry. I wanted another for a long time, but as I'm single, everybody kept trying to talk me out of it, and being a single parent already I knew how important support it.

I finally approached my 40th birthday and realized, it's now or never. It took me a year to get pregnant, but I have never been happier.

My only concern in your situation is that your husband obviously doesn't share this desire. At least not yet. Unless he comes around wholeheartedly, you will probably either not have that child or have a good likelihood of becoming a single parent down the road some.

Wow! I just had to comment and tell you congratulations! That's truly wonderful!!!














:


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cresorchid*
I am pregnant with my 2nd now and my 1st will be turning 17 next week









That's great! Congratulations.


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## zjande (Nov 4, 2002)

My dd is 13.5 & my ds is almost 7 & I'm just barely pregnant.







I've LOVED the spacing between my kids, and it's been amazing parenting them during such different stages of my life. I'm so excited to be having another one. My dd may even be at the birth. What's weird is that I'm only 16 years younger than my mom, & my dd will be only 14 years younger than her own sibling, and there's a chance we may have one more! It'll be interesting when I have one child potty training while another is learning to drive & dating. But I love a busy life full of childrearing.









Your family sounds wonderful just the way it is, good luck with whatever decision you guys come to!!


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

My dd1 was ten when her brother was born! It was wonderful! They love each other so much and now she has two little brothers and a little sister, and she had been an only child for 10 years!
It is a challenge for instance to be dealing with 2 year old tantrums at the same time as the 12 year old tantrums that seem pretty much the same. But there are benefits too.
When my ds was born I thought all babies should come with 10 year olds! She could help put him in his carseat. She could watch him while I used the bathroom or took a shower. She could keep him happy while I made dinner.
She never really got into the whole diaper thing. But my dd has become more sensitive to other's needs as a result of having babies in the house.
Sure, dealing with an adolescent might be easier without the distractions of three babies, however at a time when kids start leaning away from the family, the littlest members really act like a little magnet keeping the older ones involved.
Joline


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## velcromom (Sep 23, 2003)

johub, I so agree with how you described having the two kids further apart... ds1 is proud of his abilities with ds2 and really is helpful. He'd be a great daddy someday. He even voluntarily changes a wet diaper now and then, lol. It has been very positive for both of them.


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## CluckyInAZ (May 4, 2004)

my husband is 23, his sister is 20, then there is an 11 year difference between her and the next oldest daughter. There are four girls in the second "set" of children, the youngest being 2. The 20 year old lives with the other four daughters sometimes and helps with taking care of them. My mil told me she doesn't really like having an 11 year difference between them (she was trying to help me plan her grandchildrens' spacing LOL so I think she just wants me to keep the grandkids coming without a big wait!) but I don't think she would have done it any other way. The last four are with a different husband.


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## Indea88 (Dec 4, 2004)

My boys are 11 and 2. My little one was a big surprise at 42!. Im really tired this time and realize how different it is to be a mom to more than an ONLY!! It is all together different and takes some juggling to make sure the older one receives the time and attention he needs. He has been a tremendous help to me since the baby has been born - I was sick for well over a year after his birth. To see them together and witness the joy my 11 year old has knowing he finally has a brother is the most precious gift.


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Indea88*
To see them together and witness the joy my 11 year old has knowing he finally has a brother is the most precious gift.









That's sweet


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## beatgirl (Dec 10, 2003)

When I had my third babe, my dd was 14 and my ds 10. Now dd2 is 20 months and I have so much more help than I ever did when they were babies! I knew I wasnt done at 2 kids...it just took me awhile to have the third!


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## HoneyBear (Sep 30, 2002)

I am the mother of two boys, age 22 and 20 and a little girl, age 18 months. I also have two stepsons, ages 17 and 13. So we have a 12-year gap in the line-up and I have a 19 -year gap between babies.

It has been a great joy to see how one so little can do her work in the world. She has brought great joy to many - to our sometimes surly teenagers, to our friends whose children are grown, to older kids who need to see how much they were loved and cuddled when they were little. She has been a unifying force in our blended family and brought about several epiphanies to its members.

It will be different this time around - you're older and a little more used to your routine, etc. But you also are wiser and know what's important and how fleeting the time is when they are little.

My baby called to me for 19 years. Maybe a little one is calling to you!

P.S. Now we are expecting again and our little ones will be 22 months apart.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

I just had to jump in here too and agree that having a baby later in life with older kids at home is truly great.









I thought I was a pretty relaxed first-time mom 11 years ago but this time it is even easier. My dd was 10.5 and ds 8 when baby was born this past November. Big bro and sis just love the little baby







and I am so relaxed this time. I am really cherishing every minute of this baby (as I did the pregnancy too). I'm enjoying the nursing like before but have added babywearing.

I say go for it!
BTW - I was 40 and dh was 44 when #3 arrived.


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

Too late for me at this point, DH had a vasectomy.

I am comforted by the fact that I enjoyed every minute of my boys babyhood.

Now I get to enjoy their wonderful childhood


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

Add me to the list of those lovin' life as an older/ experienced mom with a grown child at home. I enjoy my babies so much more now than I did as a first-time mom at 23.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

My eldest will be 12 at the end of this month ds2 is 8 and dd is 2. Dd loves her brothers desperately.

They are very patient with her which I appreciate because she has is doing a lot of unreasonable shouty stuff right now and if they were younger I don't think they would be so understanding.

They are more independent themselves so are less physically needy, which has been a real bonus this time round. All in all it has been a great experience for our family and we seem to have tempted at least three other mums at school to take the plunge for a third time as they think it looks easy this way!

We are planning another next year though because as well as feeliong that we are not done yet with babies; I know that my boys really enjoy each other and I would like her to have a similar opportunity with a buddy.

On the Dh front, I know that the partners of friends who have older children are reluctant 'to go back in time' by having another baby. They don't want to lose the freedom that they have earned from all that hassle. We don't see it that way; in a sense there are more of us to parent our youngest child and she just gets swept along with what everyone else is doing, she hasn't taken us on a retrograde journey. My decision to not work has hit our finances quite badly though as I had been earning well since ds2 started school. But they are only lttle for such a short time and with older children already you really appreciate that.


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## Bufomander (Feb 6, 2005)

dh and i have a 14 mo dd. I am 29, he will be 32 in the fall. we are both pretty sure that we don't want another child for at least two years. we are both sure that we don't want more than two children period. the uncertain part is do we have a second child and if so, when. we've promised each other to wait until dd is at least 2 before we make any final decisions (ie, vasectomy)

in a way, it's good to hear that we could wait for a long time before having our second. (obviously, we knew that, but just to hear others' positive experiences is nice).

i'm also somewhat tired of worrying about birth control and in that way the vasectomy appeals to me in a way that condoms or pills for the next 7-10 years don't.







(i don't want to go back on the pill. i was on it for about 2 years and have been off since feb 2003.)

those of you with big age gaps between your children, what did you do about birth control in the intervening years?


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Birth Control? Condoms then divorcing my first husband!

No seriously, I have had 2 IUDs, one after ds2 and one now after, dd. Not a popular choice around here maybe, but I have blood clotting issues and cannot be pregnant unexpectedly nor use hormonal contraceptives. It has suited us just fine so far and means that we can't make a spur of the moment decision; we have to make a conscious decision and have it removed. I was pregnant within days of having the first one removed and dd was very welcome!


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