# WHY does this child "listen" to everyone BUT me?!



## peaceful_mama

Seriously. I feel like the crappiest parent alive.

My 3 year old listens to everyone BUT me.

I took him to the library tonight for a meeting. A meeting where other moms and children were present. Kids his age. MY child is the only one running out of the room, running off to the bathroom by himself. I couldn't talk to anyone, and I felt like my kid was the greatest deterrent to ever having ANY birth ever again for anybody in that room. (it was a meeting working to try to change homebirth laws where I live.)

I also have a baby who just turned one Saturday. SHE is a delight to take anywhere, even with walking now. She might walk to the edge, just out the door a step, but she looks and comes back. Easy.

Honestly though the kid listens to everyone BUT me. (OK that's not true, when I am doing other things but can hear what goes on, he doesn't listen to my mom either. That is the ONE time I intervene and he listens to me.)

His dad can take him to the grocery store and he sits in the cart. Without jumping from the kid seat to the basket. No begging to get out. And it doesn't matter WHAT cart it is, doesn't have to be one of those stupid hard-to-drive car ones or anything.

I have watched him when I drop him off at preschool. He runs over to where he is supposed to be and joins right in the group. It's always greeting, so he knows he's supposed to get on a camel picture and he joins right in the song or whatever. Stays there too, I have stayed and watched for several minutes.
His teacher says he is 'fine' and she has not said anything about any problems at school.

So WHY can't *I* take him to the da*n store? WHY can't I take him someplace and have him stay in a room where he has activities that he thinks are fun at home (books, puzzles) and a couple of his best friends to play with???

and to top it off, we ended tonight with a major meltdown when the library was closing and we had to leave.
I was trying to get him in his carseat and he was screaming and wiggling his way out for all he was worth. My mother had found her way into my voice box. ("The library is CLOSING. This is NOT A CHOICE. GET IN YOUR SEAT!!!")

The only highlight of tonight was I realized just short of "FINE stay here and sleep in the parking lot then!" what was going on....
I've been reading (slowly) Raising our children, raising ourselves. And I remembered something out of there...
And I said "I know. You don't want to leave your friends. I don't want to leave my friends either."

And I think I am onto something.......because the full-blown wail turned into some sniffling and a sob or two, the wiggling and writhing out of the seat stopped. He was still saying he didn't want to leave, but I was now able to buckle the seat because he'd stopped moving.

and he fell asleep on the way home.


----------



## nathansmum

What worked here for my ds at that age was to have a talk prior to doing an activity or outing on what my expectations were to have the it all run smoothly for us. So I stated where we were going, what I was doing there, what would make it easier for us both if he were to do or couldn't do. So he is given a clear message. I found it impossible in-the-moment to try and get through to him, but I had great success with a pre-talk. If we were doing an outing he was not so cool with I'd build in a fun-factor for him as well. Say I wanted to go to the bank down at the mall and needed to run a few errands quickly, yet I knew he'd want to stop at the playground or have a muffin or just general wandering I'd maybe ask him what he'd like to do down there and when would he like to fit it in (we'd usually discuss this in the car on the way there so it was fresh in his mind but enough notice so he was focused on what I was saying)? So we had a plan and I was able to keep him pepped up with the plan (but allowing for negotiation along the way to keep it fun and positive). I didn't use the fun-thing as a bargaining tool though and it was never used so I could get my thing done (as in it was never threatened to be removed). I didn't need to though, he just looked forward to being able to do his thing too that it all just worked out. I was amazed at the turn around once I started doing this.


----------



## DevaMajka

I think that it makes sense that your ds listens better to other adults. Anthony Wolf talks about this is Secret of Parenting, and I know there's at least one other book I've read that talks about that (UP? Hold on To Your Kids? hmmm...).
But basically, he's comfortable with you, and confident about your connection. As SoP says, he can be his "baby self" with you.
My friend has a 4yo ds, and he listens fabulously to me. All the time, never a problem from him. And he's not that way for his mom. lol. I'm very very sure it's not that I do x better than her. It's because I'm not his mom.

My ds was the same about the grocery store- my dp would take him and they'd have a great time. I'd take him, and we'd have some sort of meltdown/whining fest/frustration going on. I'm not entirely sure what that was about, but dp is VERY easy going. When ds would ask for something, he'd put it in the cart. He'd remind him that he could choose one extra thing, and by the end they'd put every extra thing away but one. If I knew the answer was going to be no (like, if ds asked for skittles or other super junky junk), I'd just say no.
I also imagine that there was just a different tone set for their outings compared to mine with ds. I'm sensitive to sounds and lots of people, so I get easily stressed when I'm shopping. I'm SURE that contributes to it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nathansmum* 
What worked here for my ds at that age was to have a talk prior to doing an activity or outing on what my expectations were to have the it all run smoothly for us.

Very helpful with my ds too. Now that I do that, our grocery store outings go more smoothly.

btw, if it helps, I've had the screaming, don't want to leave the library, have to force him in the car and shut the door, thing. It sucked. sigh.


----------



## laoxinat

Oh my, can I relate. *My* problem was talking waaaay too much, but also, because of my own inner dialogue and beliefs, when I did act, it was out of frustration (mine) instead of compassion (for him). Long story short, I needed to grow up! You were able, even in a very stressful moment, to remember to be loving, kind and compassionate. YAY YOU!!!!! To me, you answered your own question, beautifully. Having run the comparison myself, (mostly only to myself) between my two dcs, I realize that even though I had the "easy one" second, I formed an expectation that ds act more like dd. But they are two very very different people, and it was soooo unhelpful.
Boys can be tougher for some mamas because we were never boys, and they really are different, in general. Though I had three brothers, I was the youngest, and so was never exposed to ways (good or not-so-good) ways of dealing with their sheer insanity. Hang in there, mama!


----------



## wagamama

Your story brought tears to my eyes, because I've been having similar struggles with my 2.5 year old DS. He acts up terribly with me, and is fine with everyone else. Even worse, he seems to laugh and have more other with other people (his father, aunt, other kids, etc.) than me. But, he wants to play with me all the time, despite the fact that he looks so serious while he's playing with me. While reading your post, I realized how much stress and guilt and sadness I'm feeling about all this.


----------



## IdahoMom

Because you're the one he feels safest with.


----------



## peaceful_mama

DH says I 'talk too much' Sometimes I'd agree with that. OTOH, this is the child who UNDERSTOOD my pregnancy with his sister, even though he was 18 months old when I found out. My mom and my son found out at the same time.
And it's because I took a minute to explain it in a way I thought *maybe* he'd understand--I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was fascinated with belly buttons at the time, so I told him there was a baby inside, behind my bellybutton. (which is pretty much true LOL) From there, we talked about it when he wanted to, the only thing I really initiated was picking up a couple books at the library. (OK so the conversations consisted mainly of him pulling up my shirt yelling "BABY!" and me telling him that's right the baby's in there....but it did evolve to include her name once we found out she was a girl--and one memorable night he tried to feed her a Dorito by shoving it into my belly button LOOOOOOOOOOL "Hi, Fo-fee! Want chip?")

I do think he gets more 'crap' at the store with Dad, he ALWAYS comes home with candy. And they buy chips. Sometimes cookies.
That is NOT me.

I think 95% of my problem is that that moment at the library was a major *breakthrough* of my parenting lately. Before the baby came, when he was the only one, I had all the time in the world to talk, explain, I mean--I explained a pregnancy to someone who spoke like 20 words on any regular basis!
Now, I can't count the number of times that I've just been like "GET AWAY FROM ME!" because I've just had it with being climbed on, clawed at, glasses ripped off, etc. etc. etc. Or I just have to get up and pee and that's the moment they've chosen to climb on me and not move.

if I had more patience, I think he'd listen better.....


----------



## bbsc

My son is like that too, in terms of behavior with people other than me. My mom can take him grocery shopping and browse the whole store with him for an hour and they do fine together. On the other hand when I take him, I need to have my shopping list and be out within 15 minutes or it gets too stressful for me.
I've been reading How to talk so kids will listen, and recently was able to stop a tantrum from escalating using their techniques. He woke up and asked for blueberries. I started how I ordinarily did, and just explained that we didn't have any, but here would you like this orange instead. Anyway this time I said "Boy, it sure sounds like you really want those blueberries." And "I wish I could get them for you right now and that we had a blueberry bush right here in the kitchen." After a few minutes of this we looked in the fridge at his request and found a pomagranite that he was just delighted to eat. I was amazed at how well it worked to grant his wishes in fantasy, he really liked it.


----------



## MamaRabbit

:


----------

