# I'm not ready to let my dh take ds that far away yet



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

He wants to take our 1 year old son out by himself. No mama to comfort him if he gets hurt or wants to nurse. "Oh, but I will bring him right back if that happens." says dh. Me "So he can cry all the way home?" He asks about once a month and I tell him the same thing and that I will let him know when he can take ds out by himself.

Anyone else in the same position with thier dh. I feel ds can go with daddy when I feel no more anxiety about them going out by themselves and when ds is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?


----------



## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

My dh was taking dd out by herself at 1 year old. It might be a good thing for your dh to learn how to comfort him if he gets hurt. I think as long as he's not taking him out for too long, then I'd let him do it. He's his dad, which to me is a lot different than letting grandma take him.


----------



## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

My dh would take our babies out when they where just days old. He never stayed out long.

Dh is the parent so let him.


----------



## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

In my experience, there is no time where I would just have been okay with it, no magic date happened where I stopped worrying. I had to just let go and know that DP loves his son more than anything he is a great dad and I worried, sure. But with each time I worried less. DP and DS together were not going to learn how they would deal with difficulties without me if I was always there.


----------



## pumpkinseed (Aug 6, 2005)

I have always completely trusted my dh with my dd, so I don't know the answer to this. I understand you being the only one to nurse him, but does he ever go an hour without nursing now that he is 1, so your dh can take him out for an hour? If not, then I would wait until he goes longer between nursing sessions.

Would it be possible to try to ease yourself into it, and nurse him right before they go out somewhere (the park or something?) and you go along separately and watch where ds can't see you, to give yourself peace of mind that your dh is capable of soothing your son? Then once you know it might relieve your anxiety?








I know how hard it is to trust someone else with your child-but your dh should be the number one person that you would trust in the blink of an eye. One thing I learned (not that I know a lot, my dd is only 2.5) is that dh may not do things exactly the same way that I would do them, but the end result is the same. He adores her and would do anything for her. For the record, we are completely on the same page as far as discipline, etc...goes, we just might approach things a little differently and that is okay


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

My kids dad would take them out when they were newborns for little walks so I could rest. My kids are 7 and almost 5 now and there is never a time when they are away from me that I forget about them or don't have a little worry-bug floating around in the back of my mind somewhere. But I know it's my job as their mama, to provide a solid foudation for them to always come back to but that I must also let them go as well. It's hard







. I think that kids generally do quite well and he will probably need to nurse less when he's out with his dad than he would if he was with you. It's good for father/child bonding for them to do things together one-on-one. Basically, I do think that 1 is old enough to go on little outings with Papa and I don't think you will ever be 100% ok with it.


----------



## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

i would let dh watch my one year old for sure. is he high needs? not eating solids? jmo let him try but bring him home for nap time or bed time. he'll probably just be distracted looking around. he doesnt have to go far.


----------



## salmontree (Mar 29, 2004)

I agree with the previous posters.. You'll probably never get to a place where you don't feel anxiety about your ds going out without you. I'm not sure how your son is, but at age 1, my dd could easily go an hour without nursing. Maybe you could start by nursing your son right before they go for a short outing and gradually increase the time as you get more comfortable with it?
Waiting until he is primarily eating solid foods could still be a year away.. My almost 20mo old is still getting 80% of her nutrition from nursing.. She will take a sippy cup now though and I just left her with her daddy for 3 hours while I went and saw Spiderman 3.. I felt lots of anxiety about it but I had the cell phone in my pocket set to vibrate in case I got a call to come home.. She was fine..
I think that you should start out letting ds take short trips with daddy.. He'll be fine.. and really, it will mean the world to your dh.. It's time...


----------



## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

Yup, Dh would take Dd out for walks at age 1, and he'd stay out for about 1-1.5hrs at a time. I would prepack a diaper bag complete with a change of clothes, dipes, and some snacks and let them go. It gave me some baby-free time, and let Dh bond with Dd.

It also gave Dh some confidence as a parent without me hovering over him and micro-managing every little thing. I'm not saying that that is what the OP is doing, but its been a topic of many an discussion in our household...


----------



## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I also let (I don't really like that word, since he is a parent too) dh take the little ones out when they were small. He is their father, so what right do I have to forbid him? I also let my mother and my sister care for them too, and they loved it. We are a very close family and I wanted my children to be a part of that. I think you should encourage their bond and don't let your little one see or feel your anxiety. I think our children pick up on our feelings and they could have a negative effect.


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I agree with PP. Your child needs and deserves an independent relationship with his son. Now that he is not exclusively breastfed and not completely reliant on nursing for hunger, start encouraging it


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away. My dh is a dawdeler by the way and would keep him out longer than I would like. I like the continuum concept way of parenting. That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

When are you having your next child?

I'm sorry you're not finding what you want to hear


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamajama* 
When are you having your next child?

I'm sorry you're not finding what you want to hear









Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momto l&a* 
My dh would take our babies out when they where just days old. He never stayed out long.









: My daughter's father did this also. If she cried he just brought her back to me. At first they stayed within 10 minutes of home (but this was when she was maybe a month old).

At age 1, really I would let them go. If he is an attentive father. He will bring him back if he needs you, and it's really nice to watch them develop a bond with the other parent, yk?


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

I can't imagine my husband having to ask permission to take his own child somewhere. He has been taking them out and about since they were very young.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck*
That being said I know when *I'm not ready* for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.

Bold mine.

I think the key is the boldest part. If you wait until a new baby comes along that will be huge shock to your son. He will see mom go away for a day or two and then come back with this new little person who will monopolize her time. If you homebirth, he will still see this new little person monopolizing your time while you send him off with his dad.

I think it is critical for each parent to learn to parent their child. He won't do things just like you, but that doesn't make his way wrong (unless he is on the opposite spectrum as you -- spanking, CIO, etc.). It sounds like he just wants to bond with his son and strengthen their relationship.


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Do you mind explaining a little further why it is you don't want his dad to take him on outings for so long? I know you said probably sooner than fall 2008 but it just seems like a long way away. I would love to understand better.


----------



## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.

Good luck, I hope that you can find the support you need. I have to say I worry about the language you use in "letting" your DH care for his son.
And that's only from personal experience. I didn't "let" my DP comfort DS when he was a newborn, I was his mother I could easily comfort nurse him and had my own system for soothing DS firmly in place early on. What I didn't know I was doing was setting DP up for failure. By not giving him the chance to be a parent, and controlling when he had father son time, I created the issue, and when our son was 8 or 9 months old, DP had no tricks, no system, no place to begin, no method for soothing his son. That was not his fault, it was mine.


----------



## Stephanie L. (Jun 7, 2005)

I wish I could be helpful...

Some ideas that occurred to me were, maybe your DH could walk around the block/up the street with your son. They could be gone about 10 minutes or less. See if they can do that a few times. Or if you go to the store/mall/restaurant/somewhere together and DH wakls around somewhere else while you shop. They could be in the next aisle/very near, just not DIRECTLY next to you. DH could watch your son in the house while you vacuum another part of the house/garden right outside/take a bath alone.

These are examples of about 10 minutes intervals your DH could "test-drive" the Daddy Time. You could be there for your son immediately, if needed.

I did go through this with my daughter, too, actually. That was a few years ago now. Now she really cherishes daddy time and sees him as the playful one. I am the nurturer. I suppose that's fine, but was a little hard at first when I recently started to be away for work. (Unfortunately, she was SOOOO upset that I had to "retire" and quit working after just a few months because it was too hard on her--probably irrelevant, but she certainly is attached!)

Good luck, much love!


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini* 
I think the key is the boldest part. If you wait until a new baby comes along that will be huge shock to your son. He will see mom go away for a day or two and then come back with this new little person who will monopolize her time. If you homebirth, he will still see this new little person monopolizing your time while you send him off with his dad.

We homebirth and even so my ds would be there in the hosp. with us. My dh does know how to comfort our ds for things that don't need nursies. We have an acre yard and 10 acres total and I insist on them going outside to play or for him to put him in the carrier and wash his motorcycle or whatever he needs to do outside. I encourage it. I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet. Maybe I should just call up my cousin who would totally understand. I hope she is home.


----------



## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away.

Can't they just go for a walk? Dh could strap DS into an ergo or another baby carrier, or a stroller, and just head out and find interesting things to look at.

I realize you're not hearing what you want to, but I personally think that there may be a good reason for that.

I have good friends whose DH's seriously are incompetent with their babies because the DH's never step up and offer to bathe, change, rock, walk with, their children, much less take them out somewhere on their own. I personally think it is wonderful that your DH *wants* to take your DS out on his own for a little bit, and I would nurture that desire. He wants to take care of his child, and he wants to figure things out for himself. That needs to start early, because otherwise your DS might not be so receptive to it later on, especially if you have another child and the whole regression/jealousy thing sets in.

If you're worried about them going to far away, I agree, take baby steps and send them on a walk together. Or you go with them somewhere but then take a walk by yourself while they play at a park or somewhere else.

I fail to see what bad could happen, except that your DH and DS get to know each other better and strengthen their bond. Good for all involved!


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

I just want to add, in light of your x-post that I, and probably most mamas on this thread exclusively breastfed our babies. In case that seemed in doubt.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away. My dh is a dawdeler by the way and would keep him out longer than I would like. I like the continuum concept way of parenting. That being said I know when I'm not ready for them to go out by themselves. I guess I must have posted this in the wrong place to find people who feel the same way and would give me support on this issue. The soonest I'm thinking is probably when we have our next child.


This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding. I really hope that you get the agreement with your ideas that you seem to really want. I also hope that your husband doesn't give up and detach because he isn't "allowed" to take his child out.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. But when I see post after post on these boards about guys who seem to think that their only obligation is a paycheck and sperm, and then I read your post about how your husband actually seems interested in parenting, I got a little put out over your ideas. I mean the child is not a newborn. And next Fall is a little too long for you to wait to "allow" your husband to take his child out, IMO.

Maybe your cousin will give you the pat on the back and sympathy you want. Good luck.


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
This is support. Support for both parents.

What you seem to want is everyone to agree with you. Not a lot of people will agree that a parent should not be able to take their child out.

A one year old should be able to go couple of hours without breastfeeding.

read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


Oh I read your last post.

No one wants you to leave. But, you are not going to find people here who will simply tickle your ears with what you want to hear. You will find people who will give you ideas, and tell you what they think.

Good luck finding that board. But, I really hope you will at least open your mind to considering what some of the ladies here had to say. Good luck with your husband and child too.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.









Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.


----------



## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
read my last post please. I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands. I'm going to go now since everyone wants to scrootinize before asking questions and reading my answers.


You're just wanting to go to a place where everyone agrees with you? What good will that do? This is a DISCUSSION board--so people are discussing, giving you ideas--not an everybody agree with me board.

Not to mention, he is THE FATHER!!!!! How can you be married to someone you don't trust? I don't understand that at all. He has just as much of a right to that child as you do--unless he is abusive or something. Otherwise, let him parent, and be so happy you have a father who is so involved.


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

I wish you wouldn't leave! I would love to understand your position better!
When you first posted, you asked what ages we were comfy with...That's kinda what I was speaking to in my original reply. But I would never want to try to pressure a mother into letting her kid go with her/his dad if the mother wasn't comfortable with it. But for myself, I have trouble really offering insight unless I understand better.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
We homebirth and even so my ds would be there in the hosp. with us. My dh does know how to comfort our ds for things that don't need nursies. We have an acre yard and 10 acres total and I insist on them going outside to play or for him to put him in the carrier and wash his motorcycle or whatever he needs to do outside. I encourage it. I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet. Maybe I should just call up my cousin who would totally understand. I hope she is home.

Your son won't be able to stay in the hospital though.

I would suggest going to the nearest place with him, then stay in the car and read a good book while your husband enjoys bonding with his son.

I am still baffled that a man has to ask permission to take his own child anywhere.







:

You husband can't learn how to comfort his son if you do not allow it.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 







Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.


I certainly wasn't trying to invalidate anyone's feelings here.

I am very sympathetic and get really upset over daddies who seem to act indifferent toward their kids, etc. I honestly understand that this mama isn't ready for change. BUT, I also see insinuations that indicate that the relationship between father and child is micromanaged and it makes me sad. No father or mother should be "allowed" to take their child out. It should just be a given.

I would feel a little differently if this were a newborn. But this is a 1 yr old. Surely a car trip for a couple of hours out somewhere is not going to hurt anything.


----------



## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
I guess maybe I can find a continuum concept board that understands.

I'm a huge fan of the Continuum Concept, but I can't seem to recall where in that book she discouraged a father taking his 1 year old out for a walk?

I just want to say that you mamas are wonderfully gentle. This thread made me and especially my DH


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 







Aww mama. I happen to not agree with you on this one, but I know that feeling of people going on about 'his right to his child,' when it's about something you're not comfortable with. It's not a nice feeling, very invalidating.

I think you should take it slow, work together with your husband to expand the time he takes your son slowly. So that you both are comfortable. I think you will feel much better that way, then you can know if your child is upset, and have him returned to you quickly, while you all adjust to him being apart from you a bit more.

Thank you so much this is exactly what kind of respectful post that I thought I was going to get instead of being flamed for not letting my dh access to _*his*_ child. He spends lots of time w/other people esp. dh, but I am at a distance where I can get to him quickly without him getting too upset. Dh has not been home enough to have a bond like other dads and this is why I'm hesitant. There are a lot of times my ds doesn't see his dad for days and won't even let him hold him when he does see him and I insist on them being together when he gets home and ds is still awake. We are trying get him up earlier to remedy this, but it doesn't always help, he wants to sleep.


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rzberrymom* 
I'm a huge fan of the Continuum Concept, but I can't seem to recall where in that book she discouraged a father taking his 1 year old out for a walk?

I just want to say that you mamas are wonderfully gentle. This thread made me and especially my DH










I think if you read my last post you wouldn't feel this way. They go for walks, play in the yard that is an entire acre, they go for walks on our ten acres. If it takes a 30 minute drive to get somewhere then the shortest time would be an hour and that would be to drive straight there and straight back. They've never done this and I don't plan on my son being that far away from me for that long yet. They could go to the post office and back. I would be fine with that. That's 20 minutes and they would go and come back. Maybe I can handle that.
I do encourage them doing stuff on thier own. Your all taking it that I don't let them do *anything* together by themselves. So far from the truth.


----------



## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

When you say you insist your husband spend that time with him, your use of the word 'insist' has me wondering...is there hesitation on your husband's part? Is he kind of saying he wants to spend time with your child but on 'his' terms and not yours or your child's?


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
There are a lot of times my ds doesn't see his dad for days and won't even let him hold him when he does see him and I insist on them being together when he gets home and ds is still awake. We are trying get him up earlier to remedy this, but it doesn't always help, he wants to sleep.

This part makes it seem even more important to go with them somewhere that you can separate letting them bond out away from home. It is critical (IMO) if one parent isn't as accessible that they be given numerous opportunities when they are accessible to bond with their child.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
I think if you read my last post you wouldn't feel this way. They go for walks, play in the yard that is an entire acre, they go for walks on our ten acres. If it takes a 30 minute drive to get somewhere then the shortest time would be an hour and that would be to drive straight there and straight back. They've never done this and I don't plan on my son being that far away from me for that long yet. They could go to the post office and back. I would be fine with that. That's 20 minutes and they would go and come back. Maybe I can handle that.
I do encourage them doing stuff on thier own. Your all taking it that I don't let them do *anything* together by themselves. So far from the truth.

I understand your reluctance to not be with the little one, but you and your husband need to be in agreeance on this. It will only create unnecessary tension if he feels he needs to have permission to go somewhere with his son. If your husband "doesn't get it," then it sounds like you are the one controlling the situation.

I notice your posts keep saying things like "I don't plan on," "I would be fine with ....," or "he would keep him out longer than I would like." That makes it seem like you are making all the decisions regarding when the little one is going to be doing something. You guys need to be in agreeance and not have one of your making all the decisions about the little one.


----------



## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

Hi Mamas!

OP, I can really understand your point of view. I am a believer in CC, too. In an ideal world (and yes, I try to live in one and wish that I never had to compromise) I would never be without my babe. I had to grieve over letting go of that ideal. DH would take DS for MUCH longer than we agreed upon.

Maybe you could send DS with DH out after both naps (my DS didn't usually eat again after his second naptime until bedtime at that age). And have them come back for an early dinner (this would be incentive for your DH to be at home on time)??

I was always a wreck about my DS going out with my DH, but DS was always okay. *I* wasn't. Ugh. I feel badly that we live in a non-CC constructed society. Good luck, OP!


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamajama* 
When you say you insist your husband spend that time with him, your use of the word 'insist' has me wondering...is there hesitation on your husband's part? Is he kind of saying he wants to spend time with your child but on 'his' terms and not yours or your child's?

I guess from when he was little I've had to more than not tell him to hold, play with you name it w/ds because I wanted them to bond more esp. because he works so much as many dh's do these days. I have had a discussion with him a couple times about him taking ds outside or stay in the house while I do something inside or outside, but close enough he can get me if he needs help (his big thing is he tells me ds likes mama better than him, well I do nurse him and take care of him most of the time) . I guess I feel like I'm always telling him to get up because he wants to sleep more even after telling me he would take care of ds minus the nursing part for the whole weekend.

Quote:

This part makes it seem even more important to go with them somewhere that you can separate letting them bond out away from home. It is critical (IMO) if one parent isn't as accessible that they be given numerous opportunities when they are accessible to bond with their child.
That's a good idea. We actually do this at swim class sometimes because lately he has been afraid of letting go of me when not a month before he was fine swimming w/ the instructor or my dh just fine. I will have to have my dh play with ds at the park for awhile together and then I will join them for family time. Thanks.


----------



## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

I mean this in a very nice way, but do you have any personal abandonment issues? Did you feel like your mother was "there" for you?

I think sometimes we can go too far in the other direction. I do personally feel that a child needs to spend lots of quality time with both parents, and each parent must come up with their own strategy for soothing and caretaking. Breastfeeding isn't the only way to soothe a child. Your husband will discover his ways of caretaking, but I agree with PPs, you must relinquish your control over the situation. What your husband probably hears is< "I don't trust you."


----------



## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:

I'm talking about going out in the car and driving 30 minutes to the nearest place. My mama bear reaction is that is to far just yet.
I can really, really, really understand your position. I really can. I feel the same way. However.....I don't think it is a healthy position to be in.







: I always worry when my dh takes my kids out....and the further away...the more I worry. I worry about car accidents..I just feel uncomfortable. However, I have come to realize that is MY problem...and MY issue. It isn't fair to hold my child or dh back from a relationship because *I* am an overanxious worrywort. I have learned that I just have to let go and trust..I can't hold on forever.

I understand what you are saying, about being worried that your dh won't be able to comfort your son...but I would look deep within and see if that is the REAL reason. Is it really the comfort thing, or more that you just don't feel comfortable having your child "far away" or dh taking him 30 minutes away by car (I worry about car accidents a lot). Are you REALLY worried just about the comfort..or are you just not willing to "let go"


----------



## millionmom (Oct 30, 2005)

I personally never would have thought to say no if dh wanted to take ds out...he is also ds's parent and can comfort him in other ways. I don't remember when the first time really alone was, but he has been home with him a few hours every morning before daycare (I work full time out of the home and dh is a free-lance artist)...so he's alaways had alone time with him. I think it's very healthy to foster that relationship between dh and dc and to let them figure things out. I found that dh wanted to spend more and more time with ds as he got aolder (and I'm talking like 10 months older!)....I think he felt more comfortable with him once ds was able to do more.


----------



## wendizbaby (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
I guess from when he was little I've had to more than not tell him to hold, play with you name it w/ds because I wanted them to bond more esp. because he works so much as many dh's do these days. I have had a discussion with him a couple times about him taking ds outside or stay in the house while I do something inside or outside, but close enough he can get me if he needs help (his big thing is he tells me ds likes mama better than him, well I do nurse him and take care of him most of the time) . I guess I feel like I'm always telling him to get up because he wants to sleep more even after telling me he would take care of ds minus the nursing part for the whole weekend.

I was just wondering from this....my ds is a total mama's boy too, but when I'm not around, he's a daddy's boy,kwim? How is he when you are absolutely not around? Is he comfortable clinging to your husband? My ds is great with my husband and then I walk in to the room and it's all over.









Wendi


----------



## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

im here 4 u i am the same way i even talk to my dd on the phone when she is away from me i know it is just in you not that you go out of your way to be like this it is just how you are my dd was 2 and i would stand and watch the car leave and stay waiting for it to return when they went down the road for 10 minutes i cant help it but i know with me it is because of my past that i watch and want my kids with in arms reach and/or eye sight at all times ....since it is so far of a drive to anywhere and you have tried the bonding within the home/yard and it seems not to be working for dh what about all of you going to a store or the mall and you going to look at one thing while he takes the baby to go look at other stuff this is why i love my cell if anything happens i am a call away i can say were exactly i am


----------



## terrabella (Oct 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini* 
Your son won't be able to stay in the hospital though.









: My fifteen month old stayed in the hospital with us, and many years later our seven and eight year olds stayed in the hospital with us.

OP I know how you feel!

Actually their father and I are 100% attached full-time parents. But I am so sorry for some of the responses.

I read your responses, and understand your point.
Your DP has time with your son, comforts him, etc.,
you're not saying "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!!!",
you just don't want them MILES away from you!

Don't feel too bad. I'm holding a nineteen month old in my lap, that there is no way I would be *miles* from.

And anybody who has an issue with that can kiss my bum.

ETA: Honestly I wouldn't be MILES away from my nine and eight year olds either.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *There were roses,* 







: My fifteen month old stayed in the hospital with us, and many years later our seven and eight year olds stayed in the hospital with us.

They let them stay with you overnight?? I am very impressed by a hospital willing to do that. I am aware they can stay during the day....my kids did as well, but they were not there overnight.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *There were roses,* 
Actually their father and I are 100% attached full-time parents. <snip> I'm holding a nineteen month old in my lap, that there is no way I would be *miles* from. And anybody who has an issue with that can kiss my bum.









Is your DH ever miles from him? I think it just sends an odd message to dads, that kids always have to be with the same parent, and that's mom. What if your DH told you that he didn't want you to take your kids out alone, but he continued to take them out alone? I'd feel offended and like my partner didn't trust me.


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flyingspaghettimama* 
I mean this in a very nice way, but do you have any personal abandonment issues? Did you feel like your mother was "there" for you?

Maybe that is part of it. I don't know.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flyingspaghettimama* 
I think sometimes we can go too far in the other direction. I do personally feel that a child needs to spend lots of quality time with both parents, and each parent must come up with their own strategy for soothing and caretaking. Breastfeeding isn't the only way to soothe a child. Your husband will discover his ways of caretaking, but I agree with PPs, you must relinquish your control over the situation. What your husband probably hears is< "I don't trust you."

I think if he took the initiative to do so he would have taken ds out months ago, but he hasn't so we are not there yet. I know most who are posting here have a dh that is the best dad or close to it. Mine could use some work. He needs a push once in awhile to actually play or bond with his child. And this is probably why were not in agreement that ds is ready for this yet. Last year my dh worked long hours and for two weeks didn't see his ds awake and I think that put a damper on thier relationship. Sometimes its better and sometimes not.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *There were roses,* 







: My fifteen month old stayed in the hospital with us, and many years later our seven and eight year olds stayed in the hospital with us.

OP I know how you feel!

Actually their father and I are 100% attached full-time parents. But I am so sorry for some of the responses.

I read your responses, and understand your point.
Your DP has time with your son, comforts him, etc.,
you're not saying "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!!!",
you just don't want them MILES away from you!

Don't feel too bad. I'm holding a nineteen month old in my lap, that there is no way I would be *miles* from.

And anybody who has an issue with that can kiss my bum.

ETA: Honestly I wouldn't be MILES away from my nine and eight year olds either.
















Do you never run errands without your children (the older ones in particular) and leave them with you husband? I can understand (not that I agree) with the toddler, but why the older two kids?

My husband has frequent "dates" with all of our kids and they are gone most of the day going wherever the kids want to. I do the same with them. My kids are 11.5, 10, 9, and 5.5 years old.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Maybe that is part of it. I don't know.

I think if he took the initiative to do so he would have taken ds out months ago, but he hasn't so we are not there yet. *I know most who are posting here have a dh that is the best dad or close to it*. Mine could use some work. He needs a push once in awhile to actually play or bond with his child. And this is probably why were not in agreement that ds is ready for this yet. Last year my dh worked long hours and for two weeks didn't see his ds awake and I think that put a damper on thier relationship. Sometimes its better and sometimes not.

Bold mine.

My husband is far from the best dad or close to it, just as I am far from the best mom or close to it. We are parents learning as we go to do what works for us. My husband used to need prompting with our first son, but then I realized it was b/c I had something to say about how he did things with him. It ranged from changing his diaper to how he held him. I found I was commenting on the way he was doing things, not even realizing how much it bothered him. He took it as why bother b/c I am just going to get the how to do it the right way speech (ie my way was better than his). After a lot of tongue holding on my part b/c our son was fine, I learned to relax and let him to do things his way. His way wasn't wrong, just different than mine.


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *There were roses,* 







: My fifteen month old stayed in the hospital with us, and many years later our seven and eight year olds stayed in the hospital with us.

OP I know how you feel!

Actually their father and I are 100% attached full-time parents. But I am so sorry for some of the responses.

I read your responses, and understand your point.
Your DP has time with your son, comforts him, etc.,
you're not saying "DON'T TOUCH MY BABY!!!",
you just don't want them MILES away from you!

Don't feel too bad. I'm holding a nineteen month old in my lap, that there is no way I would be *miles* from.

And anybody who has an issue with that can kiss my bum.

ETA: Honestly I wouldn't be MILES away from my nine and eight year olds either.

















Thanks.


----------



## FarmerCathy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini* 
Bold mine.

My husband is far from the best dad or close to it, just as I am far from the best mom or close to it. We are parents learning as we go to do what works for us. My husband used to need prompting with our first son, but then I realized it was b/c I had something to say about how he did things with him. It ranged from changing his diaper to how he held him. I found I was commenting on the way he was doing things, not even realizing how much it bothered him. He took it as why bother b/c I am just going to get the how to do it the right way speech (ie my way was better than his). After a lot of tongue holding on my part b/c our son was fine, I learned to relax and let him to do things his way. His way wasn't wrong, just different than mine.

Yep, I've been getting better about holding my tongue and I think that is why there relationship is getting better, but in the beginning I wasn't that way, but he wasn't doing anything w/out prompting either.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Yep, I've been getting better about holding my tongue and I think that is why there relationship is getting better, but in the beginning I wasn't that way, but he wasn't doing anything w/out prompting either.

My husband, bless his soul, tried in the beginning. I just wouldn't let it happen. It finally came down to him getting mad at me and point-blank saying I didn't trust him and to back off. I had to really look in myself and I realized he was completely right.


----------



## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rzberrymom* 
I'm a huge fan of the Continuum Concept, but I can't seem to recall where in that book she discouraged a father taking his 1 year old out?

Same here.... I consider myself a CC mama but I don't see the link.


----------



## Emmeline II (Feb 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eaglevoice* 
My dh was taking dd out by herself at 1 year old. It might be a good thing for your dh to learn how to comfort him if he gets hurt. I think as long as he's not taking him out for too long, then I'd let him do it. He's his dad, which to me is a lot different than letting grandma take him.

My dd will be one next month and is not ready to be away from me yet. I'm not going to push it on her for anyone. It is not about "trusting" dh, of course I trust him, it is about dd's needs and right now she needs to be with me. She spends time with dh in the house and outside, but if he drove off somewhere and she got cranky, nursing is what she wants and she'd be a red, screaming, blubbering mess by the time she got home. By the time ds was 18mo he was ready go out for a bit in the car, and by two they could take off for hours.

Luckily, since she is #2 dh understands this.

Reading a bit more I see that there are other issues with the father/child relationship that we didn't have, but I think that can be worked out without taking the child for car trips right now.


----------



## Emma's_Mommy (Apr 28, 2006)

have a little faith in your DH....if something happens and your DS needs to be consoled i'm more than positive that your DH will be able to step up to the plate and get the job done.....it may not be the way _YOU_ would do it, but as long as the end result is a happy child who knows that both mommy and daddy are there for him emotionally then it's not the end of the world....

and trust me i know how you feel.....i use to let my DH take DD up to his parents house without me when she was a baby (i'm talking less than 3 months old) b/c i knew i was in no emotional shape to be spending time with the inlaws (they really drive me, and i was very very very tired and having a hard transition into mommyhood) and my inlaws are about 35mins away by car....it's hard to let your baby go without you, especally for the first time, but i promise your child will not be damaged b/c he went somewhere without you!


----------



## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Is there anyone out there that feels the way I do? Please post. I came here to ask for support. I totally trust my dh, but I know my ds and it's just not happening yet. The closest place he can go is 30 minutes away.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all if my dh took my 18 month old dd 30 minutes away, and honeslty he wouldn't even ask. He knows as well as I do that she isn't ready for something like that.

I have left them at home briefly together a few times so I could go doctors appointments. Also, a few months ago dh took her for a quick trip to the grocery store, which is about 5 minutes away. It actually went well. We have been talking about him taking her out more regularly on the weekends to places that are close by like the park or his mom's house.

Anyway, I don't think that just because you don't want your ds many miles away from you that you are being selfish or that you have deep-rooted abandonment issues. Actually, I think it seems pretty normal.


----------



## Cardinal (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
He wants to take our 1 year old son out by himself. No mama to comfort him if he gets hurt or wants to nurse. "Oh, but I will bring him right back if that happens." says dh. Me "So he can cry all the way home?" He asks about once a month and I tell him the same thing and that I will let him know when he can take ds out by himself.

Anyone else in the same position with thier dh. I feel ds can go with daddy when I feel no more anxiety about them going out by themselves and when ds is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?

To answer your question, I can't say "when" my son was ready to go out with DH or grandma or someone else as you put it. However, DH was ready to take him out alone when he was only weeks old. It was hard for me, naturally, because of my worry that something would happen to him. But, I knew that DH and DS would bond, and would enjoy each other's company. I think it built up my DH's confidence as a father, too. There are very few people I trust with my now 2-year old DS. I wouldn't leave him with certain relatives, that is for sure. Although I completely understand and can commisserate with your feelings, I do hope that you will consider allowing DH the chance to show you that he can be a good parent (away from you) to your child. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Besides, I bet he has a cell phone so you can have him call in every fifteen minutes.


----------



## shiningpearl (Jul 1, 2006)

I understand your feeling, But I think you need to come to some type of comprimise. Like go into town w/ him, but let them go off on their own while you have some free time. Kinda like a test. A 1 year old, I let my DH take my DD for an hour or two. I knew she could go that long w/ out nursing, she loves to drink water and was eating enough solids for him to get by w/ her.

I actually wish DH would want to take her a little more often, but I don't want them gone long. I think what most people aren't understanding is that you live in the country. For me DH might be 15 minutes away, but only 3 miles. I think it's something you need to start working on, but take baby steps. I am sorry you aren't feeling like you are getting the support you need here, I just don't think most people agree w/ not letting DH take the toddler. It's scary, I know, but I hope you can start to get past your fears and enjoy a little free time.


----------



## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *akafrogs* 
I think what most people aren't understanding is that you live in the country. For me DH might be 15 minutes away, but only 3 miles.

That's an interesting point. I think that might be part of what has shaped my opinion here. I don't live in the country per se, but we are in a smallish university town where everything is pretty close. 30 minutes away here is like a couple of towns over and nearly 30 miles.


----------



## Cardinal (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
That's an interesting point. I think that might be part of what has shaped my opinion here. I don't live in the country per se, but we are in a smallish university town where everything is pretty close. 30 minutes away here is like a couple of towns over and nearly 30 miles.

Following this topic --- since you do live out in the country, why not have the three of you go to town/city and you let DH wander off in a store or park or something away from you. Maybe you could get some shopping done or get some TLC for YOU, and let him have an hour away from you, (but still in near proximity), and get time with the babe.








: (I didn't read all the threads yet so if this already was suggested then I apologize).







:


----------



## Jes'sBeth (Aug 30, 2004)

I'm the non-bio mom of our daughter. She didn't start eating solids until 13 months and at 2 is still breastfeeding quite a bit.

For a few months, my daughter did NOT want to be with me. We're talking crying when I picked her up because she wanted my wife... the whole shebang.

I was home with my daughter for the first 5 months full time (as was my wife) and then home quite a bit for the rest of her first year as I was a new teacher working as a supply teacher. I am a VERY involved parent however, I cannot provide my child with breastmilk and that changes the way our relationship looks compared to the relationship my DD has with my DW.

Let me tell you, there is a HUGE, HUGE difference in how my child acts when her bio mom is around (even if just in the other room/ inside the house when we're in another room/ the backyard) And that's been consistently true since she started to have separation anxiety. When my wife is not around, my child is totally focused on me as her parent. I have an opportunity to comfort her and we are able to play and enjoy each other in a different way. This was specifically true through the months of major Mama preference. If my child knows that her Mama (and possibly a chance at a breastmilk snack) is close by there is no fun to be had unless Mama comes and joins us.

She's still quite capable of having a whole lotta fun with just me.

If my wife had disallowed me the opportunity to take her on errands (often quite a ways away) or on short hikes or just out for time with just the 2 of us I would have been LIVID. This is my child and for quite some time it was impossible to hang out with her happy unless my DW wasn't there. It was a huge struggle. We both needed to figure out how to find a happy compromise. My wife just saw our DD crying when we were leaving (or she was leaving) not all the happy time in between when we were having a blast hanging out together.

I of course, needed to respect my daughter's needs and that meant that long hang out times were restricted to times when she had just nursed significantly but still, at 1 (and exclusively breastfed at that time) she could easily go 2-4 hours without milk depending on the day (easy to tell from the day's nursing pattern)

Now at 2 (and nursing quite a bit when she can) she can easily go a full 10 hrs without nursing and with me (in fact she does it 4 days out of the week since my DW is working a compressed work week meaning she works only 4 days but she's out of the house for 10 hrs) I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to not have had long chunks of time with just my DD and me.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider. It's going to be SO hard for both your DC and your DH to have a good relationship if they don't have long chunks of time together until your DC is 2.5

I do see that your DC and DH spend lots of time together and that it's the distance that bothers you but you know, if we're walking, my child can easily tell me how to get back to her Mama. It's not the same as having time away. While it doesn't need to be far for the time to be significant, it sounds like your DH really wants to do something with his child. If you think he won't bring him back on time... well, why not let him go and fall on his face and then he'll listen to you the next time. I really only pushed the boundary significantly once and boy did I learn my lesson.

While not at all interested in letting my child cry or be upset, that's your child's way of communicating and when I got the timing wrong, boy did my DD communicate to me. Yeah, she was mad when we got home but you know, she's fine. She always was. She was safe, cared for and hungry but we got home and all was well within a few minutes and I learned a bit more about how to care for her.

Your DH will develop these skills very quickly. And you know, since I always knew that I couldn't feed my child I was pretty fanatical about timing. It's SCARY taking your child out when you can't feed them and your best comforting strategy is handing them over to their Mama for a feeding. You need time to build confidence in your parenting skills.

Sorry I can't be more supportive. Having our kids out of view is hard for all parents to do.


----------



## wendizbaby (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jes'sBeth* 
I'm the non-bio mom of our daughter. She didn't start eating solids until 13 months and at 2 is still breastfeeding quite a bit.

For a few months, my daughter did NOT want to be with me. We're talking crying when I picked her up because she wanted my wife... the whole shebang.

I was home with my daughter for the first 5 months full time (as was my wife) and then home quite a bit for the rest of her first year as I was a new teacher working as a supply teacher. I am a VERY involved parent however, I cannot provide my child with breastmilk and that changes the way our relationship looks compared to the relationship my DD has with my DW.

Let me tell you, there is a HUGE, HUGE difference in how my child acts when her bio mom is around (even if just in the other room/ inside the house when we're in another room/ the backyard) And that's been consistently true since she started to have separation anxiety. When my wife is not around, my child is totally focused on me as her parent. I have an opportunity to comfort her and we are able to play and enjoy each other in a different way. This was specifically true through the months of major Mama preference. If my child knows that her Mama (and possibly a chance at a breastmilk snack) is close by there is no fun to be had unless Mama comes and joins us.

She's still quite capable of having a whole lotta fun with just me.

If my wife had disallowed me the opportunity to take her on errands (often quite a ways away) or on short hikes or just out for time with just the 2 of us I would have been LIVID. This is my child and for quite some time it was impossible to hang out with her happy unless my DW wasn't there. It was a huge struggle. We both needed to figure out how to find a happy compromise. My wife just saw our DD crying when we were leaving (or she was leaving) not all the happy time in between when we were having a blast hanging out together.

I of course, needed to respect my daughter's needs and that meant that long hang out times were restricted to times when she had just nursed significantly but still, at 1 (and exclusively breastfed at that time) she could easily go 2-4 hours without milk depending on the day (easy to tell from the day's nursing pattern)

Now at 2 (and nursing quite a bit when she can) she can easily go a full 10 hrs without nursing and with me (in fact she does it 4 days out of the week since my DW is working a compressed work week meaning she works only 4 days but she's out of the house for 10 hrs) I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to not have had long chunks of time with just my DD and me.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider. It's going to be SO hard for both your DC and your DH to have a good relationship if they don't have long chunks of time together until your DC is 2.5

I do see that your DC and DH spend lots of time together and that it's the distance that bothers you but you know, if we're walking, my child can easily tell me how to get back to her Mama. It's not the same as having time away. While it doesn't need to be far for the time to be significant, it sounds like your DH really wants to do something with his child. If you think he won't bring him back on time... well, why not let him go and fall on his face and then he'll listen to you the next time. I really only pushed the boundary significantly once and boy did I learn my lesson.

While not at all interested in letting my child cry or be upset, that's your child's way of communicating and when I got the timing wrong, boy did my DD communicate to me. Yeah, she was mad when we got home but you know, she's fine. She always was. She was safe, cared for and hungry but we got home and all was well within a few minutes and I learned a bit more about how to care for her.

Your DH will develop these skills very quickly. And you know, since I always knew that I couldn't feed my child I was pretty fanatical about timing. It's SCARY taking your child out when you can't feed them and your best comforting strategy is handing them over to their Mama for a feeding. You need time to build confidence in your parenting skills.

Sorry I can't be more supportive. Having our kids out of view is hard for all parents to do.









: Awesome post...and great to hear from the other side of things!!


----------



## Yo Becca (Apr 17, 2005)

Since you asked... My DH was regularly taking my DD away from me by 1 year. THe time gradually increased from an hour or so up to a few hours, then half the day, then the whole day. I think they went camping together the first time when she was around 18 months. They would go run errands, visit other family members, go fishing at GFIL's pond, etc. If he was going to take her for more than a few hours I would send him with a bottle of breast milk in those earlier months for him to put her down for a nap, but as she rounded month 14 or so, she really didn't ask or need to nurse if she wasn't in my presence - she wanted it if it was available, but was fine with DH alone for hours at a time also. I also would pump breast milk so he could put her to bed or feed her other times also just b/c he wanted to, he wanted to both help me out and bond with her in that way.

They have an amazing relationship and I know it is so strong b/c it's *theirs* - they know each other so well, and he can make things okay when she gets hurt, help her have fun, etc. She trusts him completely. I don't have to mediate it at all.

Keep in mind that your DC is not going to react or behave exactly the same when you aren't around as he does when you are. If you aren't there, they will find their own way. Your DH may make mistakes, get frustrated, etc - as I'm sure we all did when learning how to comfort and parent our babes. The kids survive, and we learn how to be better parents.

My neice, OTOH, had a lot of time away from her dad in her first 2 years - SIL worked weekends out of town and instead of leaving her DD with BIL, stayed with her mom and she watched my neice. BIL never had quality time with his DD, and they still struggle with their relationship. SIL has incredible regrets that they didn't have more time together earlier.

Sounds like you need to give your DH some more space and time to work out this parenting thing on his own. I think the suggestions to ride along with them, then separate for over an hour is a good starting point - but is just a start. Good luck.


----------



## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

My son is a year old and is very attached.
I would NOT let dh take him that far away.
My son isn't ready for that.
Ezra is serious about staying with me.
Then one day when I dropped dh off at work he screamed and cried for his Dad. Eli took him to work with him all day-and then for two more days after that as well. After that the baby went back to wanting to be with me at home.
I was shocked to say the least and living it up at home lol.
But dh works close to our house, I'm only a phone call away and could be there in less than five minutes, and it was baby led.
If dh wanted to take him somewhere further away my comfort level would be shaken too. Especially with my first baby-which I believe is the case with the OP.
Even in the car with me there ds will cry and it's really hard on us. My dh makes me pull the car over and nurse him so he won't have to be that upset. I don't think either of us would think our son is ready to be a half an hour away from the boob. If they weren't stuck in a car it would be one thing. Dh COULD comfort him then, but in the car-ugh.


----------



## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I would not of even thought about DD1 and DH going off then. She was 2+ before she started going on short trips with DH, like just down to the grocery store for a one item.


----------



## dflanag2 (Oct 4, 2005)

If a child is solely attached to just his/her mother, how traumatic will it be if the child has to be separated from the mother? What if the mother is sick or injured and needs to be hospitalized? What if some other situation or emergency comes up?

The possibility of some period of separation (perhaps only hours) has always encouraged me to have some sort of preparation strategy in mind: I want my DH to be confident that he can care for our children on his own should the need arise, and I want our children to feel safe and secure with DH especially when I am not there. My goal (in addition to encouraging bonding between father and children) is to have things lined up so that if something happens to me, my kids have someone else to turn to for care and comfort.

I am very picky about who I let care for my kids, there are only 4 people (including DH) who I feel completely comfortable providing extended care for my children (more than an hour at this point). I pump breastmilk and keep a (very) small supply on hand in case it is needed and I am not immediately available. My children maintain a relationship with these trusted people so they feel comfortable spending time with each of them away from me for a few hours occasionally here and there. In case something were to happen to me, I would have some peace of mind knowing that my child was being cared for by someone who was able to comfort them.

I cannot imagine how stressful it would be to be the ONLY person who can comfort my children. (I also admit that I would go completely insane if I never had a break from being the 24/7 feeding center for the past 2.5 years to both a toddler and an 8 month old!) I can see how the OP views the Continuum Concept mothering style as having the child constantly with the mother and never separated, but I can't imagine that being an exclusive relationship with no other adult (dad? grandma? auntie?) having a connection with the child enough to provide care and comfort.

I, too, feel the undercurrent of anxiety when I am apart from my children, even for a short time, and I am always relieved when we are reunited, but that hasn't prevented me from setting up our Worst Case Scenario support system. When we planned the homebirth for Second Baby, we also planned for the possibility of having to be hospitalized, and prepared DS by building up to him spending the night away from us at Grandma's house (25 minutes away!) It was a long but tolerable night, DS had a fabulous time (he was close to 2 years old), and we didn't need it after all, but it was worth it for the peace of mind.

Just my 2 cents worth,
dflanag2
cosleeping, cding, aping, tandem nursing mother to DS (30 mos) and DD (8 mos)


----------



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand


----------



## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

I completely understand where you are coming from I still have all the anxiety with my kids alone with dh or anyone else - alot better since we don't have a car any longer - that was a whole other thread!! but dh didn't really take dd away for a couple of hours until I was pregnant with ds, it wasn't that I didn't let him or want him to - he didn't feel confident and she didn't want to go either a 1/2 hour in the park was all that she could cope with, 12 months IMO is still quite young for a probable 2 hour separation although I thought the idea of you going along with them in the car and letting your dh do the park thing a good idea you'd be on hand if the need arises for bfing etc. Also if they play outside in the yard etc that's already quite a good thing it's not as if they are NEVER alone together - it's just the going away thing that you have a problem with - and quite honestly I don't blame you.







my mum always says that the hardest thing in being a parent is letting go.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand


Would not "let"? What if he decided he would not "let" you do something? I can understand, since your child is younger, but I surely hope when she is older that your child's father is "allowed" to be an equal partner and parent.

By the time my boys were a year old, Daddy could take them out for a few hours. And the first two were exclusively BF too. By a year old, they were more interested in solids and discovering a cup. (I know some kids aren't)

Trust me, it was not easy watching DH take the children. Sometimes, even at ages 9, 8 and 2, it is STILL not easy. But he is their daddy. He is a huge part of their world. I cannot imagine that I have so much control that he would have to be "allowed" to parent them.

I guess I just don't understand one adult "allowing" another to parent their own children. The concept is simply foreign to me.


----------



## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

(()) to you.

One thing that strikes me as I read this thread is "why?" Why does your dh want to take the baby away? I guess if he wants to take his son to visit his dying grandmother who has expressed a desire never to see you again, plus the hospital only allows 2 visitors on the property at any time, well, I guess I'd say okay to that.

But, if he just wants to take him to WalMart or something, why? I guess I just don't see (from your dh's standpoint) why it's important to take your baby somewhere else in order to bond or whatever.

Of course, this is all from the perspective of having a dh that I'm not sure knows how to unbuckle the carseat.







Occasionally, I leave the house for whatever, so they do spend time alone together, but dh has never left with the baby.


----------



## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

my dh stays home with my 3yo he is a sahd. this just started in march. i have never felt comfy with him and ds out alone ever. note i say my child is 3 years and 3 months old now. he still cries EVERY DAY when i go to work and leave him with dh. i didnt plan on working. i just kinda had to as dh couldnt find a job. i wish i would have felt comfy leaving dh with ds for longer than a few minutes as maybe ds wouldnt cry so much now. its heartbreaking for me to deal with before work everyday. just something to think about. you never know.


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand

I am not being snarky....trying to understand.

Why do you see no reason for your husband to have the little one for just a fun time? If you are comfortable with them going off by themselves and you trust he will bring her home if she needs you, what is the difference where the location is or the reason for it? If the distance is an issue, go with and then stay away while they bond.

The pattern I keep seeing with the mamas who aren't letting their little ones go off with their dad is this......the word "let" or "allow." I still don't see why a parent needs to have permission to take their own child somewhere.

I am totally confused by that line of thinking.







:


----------



## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

At 1 my dd was staying at home with her daddy from 8 til 3 on Fridays while I went to college.

She was not eating many foods and still bf very regularly but I had a time limit to finish my course and I had to go back. They hung out all day, went to some little people activity or swimming then I came home and she fed like a maniac til I was empty! Then she made up for it even more by feeding all night.

My dh had to learn how to comfort her and she learned how to trust him. He is her parent too andI gave them space to find their own relationship. I think sometimes the mama-bear thing can be a bit exclusive of the other parent and undermines the whole reason that a baby has 2 parents.

The advantages of 2 parents are immense: 2 perspectives on life, different kinds of fun, different experiences, different wasys of speaking and accents maybe. These all widen our children's experience whist still keeping them within the security of our small family unit.

It is easy to think that you are the only one who can possibly do right for your child: comfort them, feed them, talk to them properly, keep them safe and so on and while it can be true, it can also be true that the other parent, although different to you, can be equally as effective.

I'm not talking about fantastic mums or dads; I'm talking about someone who loves their child and needs space and time to learn to become a parent - just as you did. Taking responsibility is part of that and going on mini-adventures or being home alone together are good ways to practice.

My dd has a very close relationship with my dh now that she is 4 an d she loves to go places with him. If you give your children the chance they can have the complete experience of having 2 parents, not just one and an extra who appears from time to time.


----------



## NotAMama (Jul 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand

My friend was sort of like this with his child. Other than short errands, he did not allow his wife to be alone with their child, unless he was a short (five minutes or less) time away. He would NOT let his wife take their daughter somewhere without him just for s#!ts and giggles. He knew he was being selfish, but he saw no reasons at all that his wife might need complete alone time with their (oops, I mean HIS) daughter away from the house or the park behind the house.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I don't think this 'why should he ask permission to take HIS child away' really holds up.

Fact is mama is nursing, and it sounds very much like mama has been primary caregiver. It's not like both are equal parents in terms of who does the actual work, and has the bond with the baby, right now.

When my child was that young, her father did need my okay to take her away from me. I gave it more liberally than this mama. But I don't see a problem with needing the okay from the primary caregiver, and the FOOD source, and the one who knows best what is going on with the baby.

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this? the mind boggles.







:

When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Thanks, the earliest would be fall of 2008. I probably will let him take ds out before then ,but right now it's a definate no.

I'm not sure about the use of the word "let" here. Dh is just as much a parent as you are, and he shouldn't need your permission to take his son out for a couple of hours. My dh and I don't ask each other if we can take one of the kids somewhere, we let each other know (though dh never volunteers to take our youngest, I wish he would).

Quote:

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this?
My dh generally knows our kids' clothing sizes. He had to ask me about ds1 when great-grandma called about the kids' easter clothes, but he knew for the other two.

Quote:

I'm sure I have no place posting here b/c my DD is only 8mo but other than me going on short errands and one day where dh and dd were a 5min walk away I would NOT let DH take dd somewhere w/o me just for s#!ts and giggles sorry i'm effing selfish as hell but I see no reason DH needs complete alone time with dd away from the house/park across the street... I totally supourt you and completely understand
You're absolutely right. You are being selfish. Doing that hurts not only your dh (by showing him that he's not as much a parent as you are) but also your dd (in not giving her as strong a relationship with her dad). If a guy came on here and said what you did, people would freak out.

While it's good that you have a strong attachment to your daughter, you need to give her that with your dh as well.


----------



## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
I don't think this 'why should he ask permission to take HIS child away' really holds up.

Fact is mama is nursing, and it sounds very much like mama has been primary caregiver. It's not like both are equal parents in terms of who does the actual work, and has the bond with the baby, right now.

When my child was that young, her father did need my okay to take her away from me. I gave it more liberally than this mama. But I don't see a problem with needing the okay from the primary caregiver, and the FOOD source, and the one who knows best what is going on with the baby.

And this is very, very gendered in our situation, as it seems to be IME in most. Even now she is 3.5, and he had to email me to see what size clothing she wears! He saw a shirt he thought she would like, but it was size 2. She wears size 4 and 5. How does he not know this? the mind boggles.







:

When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.

I think the point many posters were making is that how CAN the OP's dh partner/father more equally or more fully if she won't "let" him.


----------



## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

OP, a few things occur to me when reading your posts:

- do you have some prior issues with your husband that would cause you not to trust him completely?

- do you have anxiety about other areas of life, i.e. what if the house starts on fire, what if we can't pay the bills, etc?

I think the question you have to ask yourself, if you do truly trust your husband completely (and if you don't, that's something to work on, but it's not like it makes you a terrible person), then insisting on total control in this situation might be more about you than it is about your son and his needs - and I say that in the gentlest spirit possible, because I know how that can feel.







Really, though, there is no legitimate reason to stop your husband from taking his son somewhere alone, unless you have reason not to trust him (concrete, real reasons, based on your husband's prior behavior and his personality).

I'm kind of surprised at some of the posts to this thread about fathers not being equal partners - maybe my husband is different, but he has always been an absolute equal parent, sharing every duty, including diaper changes, babywearing, cosleeping, feeding, (except my short and disastrous nursing career














, literally everything, totally evenly. We are lucky in that he works from home, and has always been right there with me, doing everything I do, and his bond with his children is equal to mine - different, but equal.


----------



## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

**double post!**


----------



## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
When both parents actually parent equally I will buy the 'why do you get to decide' line.

I guess my opinion comes from my husband knowing just as much about our kids as I do.....and he isn't the "primary" caregiver. He is an equal partner in everything (though I tend to get the doctor appts more). I don't make decisions about our children and what is best for them, then tell my husband about it later. We decide together as partners. The fact that I am home with them more doesn't give him any less decision making abilities. If that were the case, then when we switch roles in the next year (I will work, he will stay home) he will be the one who would have to give me permission to take our children anywhere. That sounds just as insane to me as him having to ask permission.

I don't see how a person can become an equal partner if they aren't being given permission to do so.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.


----------



## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
I'm not saying that IMO the OP's position is entirely the valid one. But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too" that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?

I suggest that barring any real concerns from the OP about her partner's parenting skills, the two work together to slowly transition to more daddy time as works for the babe.

Good points all.


----------



## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

OP, I understand where you're coming from. I didn't leave my dd alone with my husband (even in our house) until she was about 18 months old. Even then, I was gone maybe 15 minutes and came back and she was screaming for me. Because of some things he does and does not do, I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with her or letting him take her places far away. Now, however, he's much better. I trust him to take her places and take the babies places. The few times he's been out with my daughter several hours, I get worried, but it all ends up ok. I understand the want not to though and I don't fully agree with most of the other posters. If you don't feel comfortable with it yet, don't do it. He's only a year old. There are other ways to apease your husband. Maybe go to the mall together and go different ways?


----------



## myhoneyswife (Apr 30, 2005)

I totally understand. I doubt my DH will take out my babe until she's maybe 18 months-2 years. And even then, it might be for a quick trip to the dump that is just down the road. I meet her needs better, both hubby and I know this, and it's just how our family works.

Maybe if he wanted to, we'd just split up while we're in town and he'd do one store with the babe while I did another. We have a similar situation with having a small town 15 mins away, but then the large city that we often have to go to is an hour away. That's FAR when you have an unhappy baby









And FWIW, my babe likely wouldn't even care that I wasn't there. She LOVES her daddy, but I just don't think it's time for her to be so far away from me yet. Right now Daddy drives us into town pretty often, and if she is content in the car I run into the stores by myself. If she's fussin then we all go.

It's not that I don't trust my husband with her at all, I just think that biologically babies were designed to be with their mothers for the majority of the time during their first couple years, and since we can, why not? She'll enjoy going on day trips with him when she's older


----------



## greenwoman2006 (Feb 1, 2006)

I completely agree. I also had a hard time letting dh take dd out, or just take care of her at home so I could go have coffee with a pal. But having that time to ourselves makes us better parents. And I felt better when I began to put more trust in dh to care for dd. As he built his confidence in caring for her, he also became a better parent for it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
In my experience, there is no time where I would just have been okay with it, no magic date happened where I stopped worrying. I had to just let go and know that DP loves his son more than anything he is a great dad and I worried, sure. But with each time I worried less. DP and DS together were not going to learn how they would deal with difficulties without me if I was always there.


----------



## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Just wanted to add that my dh looks after ds very well here at home but he hasn't taken him 'out' or 'away' anywhere - ds is nearly 22 months.


----------



## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

I have no qualms about dh taking his child anywhere. He has been doing that since the child was a week old. If you can't trust your husband to take the child somewhere, then you have more serious issues in your relationship. Just my opinion.


----------



## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

Wow, DH took our baby out when she was days old. They went on small walks right after she'd been fed. Everything was fine.


----------



## mcs (Apr 20, 2005)

i agree with the last poster .
i would have lost my mind if my dh had never taken our dd out during the first year. My husbands time away or alone at the house while i was away was really neccecary to build my confidence in him, his in himself, even dd's in him, and just for my freaking sanity! I really did feel better after putting some trust in dh.

it is true that i am always a little nervous when they are gone and it is true that i can more easily comfort her, but as long as she has a familiar and loving person to comfort her- i don't think that she will be "damaged" by the situation-really, i think it is helpful in the long run to build the relationship.

i wonder, if he knows how strongly you feel, why your dh would (or you feel he would) take ds for longer than you are comfortable with. have you thought of letting him read these posts and discussing it from there? it seems like something you need to work on together.

now- just a short, cute story about my dd who is now 23 months. she was sick this weekend and so we watched bambie (skipping what i thought were the upsetting parts.) the part came when they showed bambies father standing in the distant fog and this really upset her "papa! come here! papa!" she was yelling over and over. she just could not understand why he wasn't involved. i wouldn't trade that for a little uncomfortable feeling of my own.

call a friend to meet you in the big town so you arn't just thinking of them- go for a coffee or lunch and let your dh give it a try- knowing that you are close. i bet you will all feel better.

mcs


----------



## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
*But I also don't think an extreme response like, "They are HIS kids too"* that fails to acknowledge who is the primary caregiver, food source, and primary attachment figure, is all that helpful. Kwim?


Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.

FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.


----------



## charmander (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *henhao* 
Wow, DH took our baby out when she was days old. They went on small walks right after she'd been fed. Everything was fine.

Same here. My DH was a co-parent from day 1. And sometimes, he was better able to soothe DS and DD than I was.

I am just flabbergasted at some of the responses here. And it takes a lot to make me flabbergasted.


----------



## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *charmander* 
I am just flabbergasted at some of the responses here. And it takes a lot to make me flabbergasted.

Same here, but from the other side.


----------



## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

My husband has taken DD out alone from the time she was a couple days old, literally.

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc. He jumped right in, which suprised me (literally had never been around a baby under a year old, let alone held one). He doesn't get very much time with her, due to his job, so, I let him do the "firsts" as much as possible, b/c I get so many others by default(first smile, first laugh, first tooth, etc.). I also let him take her where he wants and do what he wants when he has time.

I may be the primary caregiver, but he's also her parent, and needs to have the opportunity to bond with her in their own special way without Mama controlling every aspect
.


----------



## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I make it a priority to allow each of my children time alone with their dad from day 1. I think it is good for all of us.


----------



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

I haven't read any other responses so I'm sure this has been hashed out thoroughly already.









My opinion is that your dh is just as much a parent as you and should have the right to take his son out when he wants to. I can see not wanting him gone all day or to miss a feeding but it's not right to forbid him to spend alone time with his son outside of the house.

Sure I was nervous when dh first took the kids but he's a competent adult and while he may do things differently than I do he still has their best interest in mind and he's fully capable. He would've been very hurt if I'd have said, "NO". Besides, I'm not his mother, I don't feel like I have the right to flat out say no when he is their father.


----------



## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mirlee* 
I have no qualms about dh taking his child anywhere. He has been doing that since the child was a week old. If you can't trust your husband to take the child somewhere, then you have more serious issues in your relationship. Just my opinion.









: I read this thread earlier and this was exactly what I was thinking as well. Frankly like someone else said if dh did not take dd out from time to time I'd lose my mind. My dh takes our 21 mo dd out when he runs quick errands to get coffee or the store, yes, I may have brief moments of worry, then again I worry when he goes out alone. However he is my child's father and while we don't always do things exactly the same, he is her Dad and I have 100% trust in him. I suspect that if I did not trust him he would not be around.

Its one thing to not trust a relative or friend with your child but if you don't trust that child's other parent and your life partner that says a lot.

Shay


----------



## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
DS is eating mainly solids and doesn't need mama like he does now. When was your dc ready to go out alone with someone like dh or grandma or someone?

I've read the whole thread and I'm choosing to answer this part. My DH stayed home with DD for the second three months of here life, so "ready" or not, that's when he spent substantial time alone with her. Our experience mimics Beth and her wifes.

I'll also let you in on a little secret, there have been times in the first year, when inexperienced me couldn't comfort my crying child. These things happen and we all find our way with our children. I shudder to think what would have happened if my mother or MIL (or a hospital nurse) had questioned when I would be ready to spend substantial time alone with my daughter, since I lacked childcare experience and might not know how to comfort her.

I'm a big CC-kinda gal and to me, one of the core concepts of the book is the idea of consensual living. No one sets rules or consequences for anyone else. They all accept each other as completely valid. There was no judgement among members of the tribe. No "letting" or pushing the boy to go off on the hunting party. No forcing the 8 year old to return with the adult members of the tribe when they left Jean's canoe party. They let that 8 year old stay with that western woman. It was his decision. Just something to think about in practicing CC.


----------



## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I think one of the most beautiful, yet painful and humbling things I watched happen with my 1st dc was when she learned to be comforted by my dh. They were awkward at first. I was the judgemental mommy offering a lot of overbearing criticism at times. But then they learned to *dance* together - clumsy at first, but my dd has been swept off her feet by my dh ever since. There are still times when only mommy will do, but it is really refreshing to not be the only *rock* in her world that she can cling to.

With dc #2, I've made sure they get alone time to build their private relationship, from the start. It's important to me.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ryansma* 
Bold mine. The statement "they are his kids too" is far from an extreme one. And only needed said because there was so much emphasis on the OP saying she would not "let" her husband take their dc. I am primary caregiver yes but also an equal partner-like Houdini said. One parent having the right to deny another parent access to their child just seems out of balance.

Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.

Quote:

FWIW I do agree with you thismama about the potential solution.
Cool.


----------



## myhoneyswife (Apr 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 

Then again, he was the first to hold her, first to change a diaper, gave the first bath, etc.
.

Eh, my husband 'caught' her, was the first to see her gender, did the bath/diaper/getting dressed/swaddle thing first, and I most certainly trust him with her, but I/we just don't think it's appropriate for our family to have her separated from me right now.

To us, it isn't a matter of trust, but a matter of what is right for our family. And that isn't right for our family, separating mom and baby for more than a few minutes. I'm not a person who needs 'alone' time away from her to be a 'good' mom, and I don't anticipate that happening in the future. I understand that some moms need time alone, but I don't think it's a necessity for all moms of 1 year olds...


----------



## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
Well, it is a statement of fact. yes they are his kids too. That is true.

The difficulty with it is that it ignores the fact that one parent is primary caregiver and food source. Both are not equal. Speaking of balance, if both provided equal care, then statements that infer that equality would be appropriate.

That was not/is not my parenting experience, and it sounds very much like it is not the OP's either.

What many posters are saying is that "primary caregiver =get's to make all the decisions about the child" may not be the wisest way to make decisions for your child or your marriage. More importantly though is the fact that the OP's dh *wants* to "provide equal care" by doing his part but she has said no. My husband is my partner in parenting no matter what - I am primary caregiver but we are BOTH ds' parents. I don't feel like I have more say in decisions about ds just because I am primary caregiver just like dh doesn't say it's HIS money even though he is the one who works outside the home. By your logic I wouldn't ever get to buy new shoes because we are not equal partners in earning it.


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ryansma* 
What many posters are saying is that "primary caregiver =get's to make all the decisions about the child" may not be the wisest way to make decisions for your child or your marriage.

Yep and I agree with that. I just saw the "it's his child too, he shouldn't have to get permission" as total invalidation of the OP's position, where I thought middle ground is better. Sounds like we're not in disagreement actually.

Quote:

More importantly though is the fact that the OP's dh *wants* to "provide equal care" by doing his part but she has said no.
Well, taking the child for an hour is not equal care. IME it's pretty hard to do equal care while an infant or young toddler is nursing, unless dad does every diaper change, a lot of the comforting, waking up in the night etc. I know ONE family that does this. However bottom line in a nursing relationship is that it's usually ALL about mama in the early days.

Which is not to say dad shouldn't get an active role in developing a bond with his child. My daughter's dad worked actively to bond with her and they are super, super tight now (she is 3.5).

I was comfortable with him taking her for short walks from almost the beginning, and by early toddlerhood he had her for 3 hours at a time. But the fact remained I was mama, and mama was a pretty damn important role at that age.


----------



## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cathysteck* 
Maybe that is part of it. I don't know.

I think if he took the initiative to do so he would have taken ds out months ago, but he hasn't so we are not there yet. I know most who are posting here have a dh that is the best dad or close to it. Mine could use some work. He needs a push once in awhile to actually play or bond with his child. And this is probably why were not in agreement that ds is ready for this yet. Last year my dh worked long hours and for two weeks didn't see his ds awake and I think that put a damper on thier relationship. Sometimes its better and sometimes not.

If your dh is asking to take ds out by himself, isn't that taking initiative? What else are you waiting for?

If your ds is asking to take ds out by himself, could you work together to find a time when ds is rested and fed? Could you send along a snack in case ds gets hungry?

What are you afraid of most here? That dh wouldn't be able to comfort ds? That ds might be permanently traumatized by getting hurt/hungry when you're not around? That dh doesn't know how to use the carseat correctly? That dh doesn't know what ds is capable of doing at the playground, and he may fall and get hurt? Imo, kids are pretty emotionally resiliant--crying while Dad's trying to comfort them probably isn't going to do any lasting harm. Safety issues can be a real concern, but they can be easily addressed (teach dh to use the carseat, enroll in a cpr class, etc.).

In our family, dh has always taken ds out on errands, to the park, played alone at home while I'm gone, etc. Maybe I'm the primary comforter, because I'm more often at home with ds, but I really try hard not to think of myself as the "expert" on ds. I don't want to be the expert--I want ds to have lots of different relationships with friends and family. I want ds to accept lots of ways of comforting/calming if I'm not around, or heaven forbid, if I'm in the hospital or worse. I love watching ds with his dad--they have their own special way of playing. I think their relationship is much stronger for spending time by themselves, away from me. There have been times when ds hurt himself at the playground when I wasn't there, but that's part of life. Who's to say I could have prevented it, or I could have comforted ds better than dh? Ds is now 2, and as he grows into the toddler years, I realize I could never do all this by myself.


----------



## Hippiemommie (Jul 3, 2005)

I was worried about the same thing when my DS was young however I went back to school to finish my last semester when DS was 9 months old. He was a 100% breastfed baby at this point and not eating hardly any solids so I was quite worried. I decided that if it was a problem I would drop out and finish some other time. Well it turned out great. There wasn't an ajustment period or anything. I went to school and DH had DS there by himself and DS never cried. DS never asked to nurse and DH kept water available. He did offer some solids and sometimes he ate, sometimes he didn't. I think this was a very important time for both of them. DS and DH became closer and DH realized that he did have the skills to take care of DS by himself which made him a more confident and active parent. DS would nurse as soon as I got home (2 hrs later) but didn't even ask when I was gone. Kinda like a fruit tray, if it's there you will nibble on it, if not you can wait till meal time.


----------



## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NicaG* 
What are you afraid of most here? That dh wouldn't be able to comfort ds? That ds might be permanently traumatized by getting hurt/hungry when you're not around? That dh doesn't know how to use the carseat correctly? That dh doesn't know what ds is capable of doing at the playground, and he may fall and get hurt? Imo, kids are pretty emotionally resiliant--crying while Dad's trying to comfort them probably isn't going to do any lasting harm.

I was going to post the exact same questions. I would be interesting to know *why* the OP and other mamas here don't allow their DH to take their DC "out." I'm not talking out like all day, but just out alone with just DH and DC for a little bit. My DH takes both our 11 mo. old and our 2 1/2 yo. out to the park and to the store regularly. I'd never even considered not allowing it. Actually I'm always incredibly proud that I've married a partner who *wants* to do that!!!


----------



## PapayaMom (Sep 6, 2004)

I get that you don't want your DH taking him so far away, that seems to be the major issue is that everything is so far away from your home. So what if you compromised and drove with them he takes your son to a park/playground whatever is nearby and you do some shopping or get a cup of coffee for a little while, maybe you would feel better about these outings if you were closer in case your son needs you and your dh could work on his comforting skills. And you can slowly work on letting them have more time together to make sure that your DS is fine to be away from you/nursing for an amount of time. I think he might surprise you.

FWIW I went back to work part time when our dd was a 13 months it was only 10 hours a week and was really hard on me emotionally but it was the BEST thing I ever did for my DH and DD's relationship. Up until that point he could use me as a fallback when she was cranky or upset but when I was gone he had to develop his own way of dealing with her and she grew to trust that he was there for her as much as I was, even though nursing wasn't an option. I wouldn't have be comfortable being away much more than that but I felt our dd was safe and taken care of and was ultimately really happy with her time alone with daddy, the issue was mine, not hers.

Now that baby #2 is due to arrive soon I am so thankful to my dh for taking the time to get to know our dd and to be there for her and to come up with their own special things they do together. It is going to help not only me but our dd when we are all learning how to transition with the new babe. The disruption that she is about to face is the biggest one in her life but knowing that I am not the only one who can comfort and take her places will make it easier for her.


----------



## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *myhoneyswife* 

To us, it isn't a matter of trust, but a matter of what is right for our family. ..

Isn't your husband part of the family? It doesn't seem like you're taking what's right for HIM into consideration here....just mama and baby

ETA: I don't mean to sound snarky; it's just that I'm dizzied trying to figure out how you're not considering your husband's needs as a parent, and your child's need to bond with dad on their own terms, mom sort of excluded, much as that sometimes hurts/worries/frustrates.


----------



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Would not "let"? What if he decided he would not "let" you do something? I can understand, since your child is younger, but I surely hope when she is older that your child's father is "allowed" to be an equal partner and parent.

By the time my boys were a year old, Daddy could take them out for a few hours. And the first two were exclusively BF too. By a year old, they were more interested in solids and discovering a cup. (I know some kids aren't)

Trust me, it was not easy watching DH take the children. Sometimes, even at ages 9, 8 and 2, it is STILL not easy. But he is their daddy. He is a huge part of their world. I cannot imagine that I have so much control that he would have to be "allowed" to parent them.

I guess I just don't understand one adult "allowing" another to parent their own children. The concept is simply foreign to me.

I guess I understand her alot more than I thought my DH is in the Army and she seemed to express that her DH was working for days at a time and when a father doesn't get to connect with their child on a daily basis they can't ead their ques as well and it takes longer for them to respond its not allowing to parent it allowing to take far away and parent she has said repeatedly that shes gone to town with them and they did something and she has a seperate activity but her DH wants to take her DC alone in to town while she stays home and I totally agree that thats not reasonable why can't she be in town too????


----------



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NotAMama* 
My friend was sort of like this with his child. Other than short errands, he did not allow his wife to be alone with their child, unless he was a short (five minutes or less) time away. He would NOT let his wife take their daughter somewhere without him just for s#!ts and giggles. He knew he was being selfish, but he saw no reasons at all that his wife might need complete alone time with their (oops, I mean HIS) daughter away from the house or the park behind the house.

WHY CAN'T HIS WIFE COME I MEAN JESUS EFFING CHRIST IT'S A 1yo BABY WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY AT HOME WHEN YOUR DH GOES TO TOWN 30MIN AWAY WHY CAN'T SHE COME????


----------



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I found it
_Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
Depends- does your ds respond well to daddy comfort? Or does he need mama?

Could you all go into town together then they drop you off and go off together so you're closer?

good luck!

-Angela

Yes, and we have totally done this. My complaint and what totally started this thread is the hour away they would be if they went totally by themselves._
This is from her post in Breastfeeding so I say again WHAT IS HER DHs PROBLEM WITH HER BEING IN THE SAME TOWN??


----------



## Cardinal (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treqi* 
I found it
_Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
Depends- does your ds respond well to daddy comfort? Or does he need mama?

Could you all go into town together then they drop you off and go off together so you're closer?

good luck!

-Angela

Yes, and we have totally done this. My complaint and what totally started this thread is the hour away they would be if they went totally by themselves._
This is from her post in Breastfeeding so I say again WHAT IS HER DHs PROBLEM WITH HER BEING IN THE SAME TOWN??

The OP hasn't posted in a while. I didn't read anywhere that her DH doesn't want to be in the same town. I think she'll have to come back and post again. I doubt she wants to read through all the posts though. She indicated she only wants support and not opposition and I think there is a good deal of opposition here in the thread.


----------



## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

That post was on the OPs xpost in Breastfeeding http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=669061


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cardinal* 
The OP hasn't posted in a while. I didn't read anywhere that her DH doesn't want to be in the same town. I think she'll have to come back and post again. I doubt she wants to read through all the posts though. She indicated she only wants support and not opposition and I think there is a good deal of opposition here in the thread.

I didn't read that either. She probably won't read through the posts. She got really upset, seemingly, because people were not saying what she wanted to hear.

I do wish them the best of luck. I hope they can work this out.


----------



## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AugustineM* 
I was going to post the exact same questions. I would be interesting to know *why* the OP and other mamas here don't allow their DH to take their DC "out." I'm not talking out like all day, but just out alone with just DH and DC for a little bit. My DH takes both our 11 mo. old and our 2 1/2 yo. out to the park and to the store regularly. I'd never even considered not allowing it. Actually I'm always incredibly proud that I've married a partner who *wants* to do that!!!









Well, I have one of those dh's that never takes the baby out by himself. He has no desire to.

He doesn't go to the store on a regular basis. I am the chief errand runner. I do all the post office, bank, dry cleaner, grocery type stuff. (And I have done it since we met--he shops for presents for me, hunting/fishing stuff for himself, and that is it) Occasionally, on the way home, I ask him to stop and get 1 thing I need. Rarely, he goes to the hardware store for something. But, those trips are usually as part of a big project, and *I* don't want to go because they take so long and are so incredibly boring. So, he doesn't take the baby, as it would distract him from the ever so important picking out of whatever.









We tend to spend our times on the weekend and at night together. If he's going to the park, he'd think it was more fun if I was there. Or the pool. And, that's about all that I can think of that we'd go in that vein.

If we go to church, we tend to go as a family. If I was sick, perhaps dh would take the baby, but I doubt it, as ds sometimes needs to nurse while we're there.

I do leave the house, and he stays alone with ds. I get my hair cut, occasionally yard sale, go to the grocery store (what a treat!), even go get coffee. He takes ds outside, he gets up with him for an hour before I get up on the weekends. He seems to have plenty of time to be with him alone, but in our house.

That's why I was curious why the OP's dh wanted to take him away from home. We must be huge homebodies, but we are plenty happy here. No reason to get away.


----------



## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I actually read all the responses and found the discussion really interesting.









I think the bottom line here, as I see it, is that the OP has specific circumstances that are making her particularly uncomfortable with the situation. If it were me, I would address these concerns with my dh. I would explain exactly why I'm uncomfortable with being separated from my child at such a distance, and suggest a compromise - as the pps suggested, everyone going into town together and then splitting up, with the ability to reunite quickly if the baby becomes unhappy.

I'm a big believer in the mama bear instinct. Lots of people would tell me I'm crazy for not leaving dd with a babysitter yet - not even her grandma (MIL) and aunt (SIL, who just turned 14). But I am not comfortable leaving her with them yet and I trust that instinct. There are good reasons for it, but it would take pages and pages to explain them all.

I do think it's odd that the OP's dh seemingly hesitates to go for a walk with the baby or spend time in the backyard sans mama, but wants to take the baby away from the house for an extended period of time. And if the town is 30 minutes away, we're really talking about at least a 1.5 to 2-hour absence.

My dd hates car rides, for the most part, and it would be very traumatic to me to imagine her crying hysterically in the car, needing me, for 30 min while my dh drove home (frustrated with/upset by the crying but unable or unwilling to stop to do anything about it). If I was genuinely worried about that kind of scenario, I would have to go with them. I'm NOT, because I know dh would pull over and comfort dd, give her a bottle, whatever.

We have a very different setup in our home because I work and dh stays home. I cherish the time that I have with dd, but it can be hard to do things in front of dh or spend time with dd in front of dh because I'm already insecure about not being around enough, and if he criticizes what I do (which he almost never does, thank goodness), then I really lose confidence, feel incompetent, and feel like I should just hand dd back to dh.

The best way to feel more comfortable with the other parent caring for the child is to let them be on their own, and find their own way. However, if you have strong instincts and/or good reasons to not be separated at a distance from your 1 year old, I think that's okay and it should be respected and worked with. It's not a matter of saying to your dh, "You can't take ds into town without me," but instead, "I don't feel comfortable being so far away from ds right now. Why don't we go together and shop in different stores so you can find me if ds needs me?" Then, when you do this, do everything in your power to NOT hover or check in with them every few minutes. That would be totally counterproductive and just upset your ds.

Hopefully, your dh will understand and respect your feelings, and you'll do the same for him by providing opportunities (real opportunities) to spend time alone with his son. I think it's great your dh wants to spend more time with his son - you just have to work together to find a way to make that happen so that you're both comfortable.

Have you asked your dh why he wants to take your son on errands? Maybe if you discuss it, he'll tell you things that will give you a better understanding of his needs and perhaps they can be met in a more mutually agreeable way. For example, he might say, "I just want to spend an hour with ds without you running out into the yard every time he makes a noise." That would be totally reasonable and something you might not realize you're doing, that really inhibits his ability to forge a caring, close, mutually beneficial relationship with his son, where his son learns that he can count on Daddy to care for him and comfort him.

Hope you're still lurking, OP!









Julia
dd 1


----------

