# Separation anxiety at 3.5???



## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

DD seems to be in the middle of some terrible separation anxiety (does that even _happen_ at 3.5?). To the extent that I can't be out of the room for 5 seconds, or she won't go to the bathroom by herself (even if I am in the very next room).

I could handle the infant and toddler SA fine. But this is driving me mad. She is very verbal, has excellent comprehension skills, but won't accept, "I am going to put this cup in the kitchen and come directly back" (basically in sight all the time, except the 2 seconds I am actually in the kitchen). Apart from the frustrating underfoot thing, it is very annoying because I can't ask her to do anything without coming along (which might mean having to stop what I'm doing, covering everything from flies, etc).

But right now she is watching TV happily in the next room (which is why it feels a bit more like a discipline issue than a childhood developmental issue).


----------



## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I think separation anxiety can happen at many ages, for many reasons. I remember my son at age 3 was afraid of everything, and wouldn't go anywhere in the house without me. My oldest has also gone through stages of not wanting to a different floor of the house without me, and there was a time when my youngest (now 3.5) wouldn't go upstairs alone. They're all fine now, and roam the house freely and don't get upset when I have to go in another room.

I think as kids develop they understand the world in different ways, they become aware of things in a new way, and it can be scary. Have you asked why she doesn't want to be alone? Has she talked about new fears? Investigate a little, talk about it. I remember with my son, when he went through this we started talking about what he was afraid of (he was afraid monsters were in the house), the difference between dreams/tv/stories and reality, being brave, etc. We talked, too, about my needs (to be able to finish what I've started, to not have to go everywhere with him every time b/c I sometimes I'm helping the other kids/cooking, etc.) and strategies for meeting both our needs (can he wait? can I wait at the bottom of the stairs? can his sister go with him? can he help me do stuff?). It did pass.

I wonder if maybe she's okay in the next room watching tv because she's busy, tv is taking her mind off of it?


----------



## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

yeah, we've talked about it, occasionally she will say she is afraid, but far more often it is something like "because I miss you so much and want to be near you always"









I know I should be glad she loves me so much. But right at this moment I'm going mad







:


----------



## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

My ds is 3.5 and just went through a period for about 2-3 months that sounds exactly like you describe, right down to the reason: "Mommy, I love you so much and I want to be with you always." Our living room/kitchen area is open, and even though he could see me at all times, he would flip if I got up to get a drink from the kitchen, even if I announced I was going.

He also talked about monsters quite a bit during this time, but whenever I would ask him if he was scared there were monsters, he would say, "No, I just want to be with you." I'm not sure what brought it on, or what stopped it, but he's fine now unless he's tired. I just went with it, similar to when he was an infant, (but I know what you mean when you say it's driving you mad at 3 years.) I announced every time I was going to another room, and we had a couple of talks about how it made me feel, so he got better at just following me without the drama.

This too shall pass.


----------



## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

thanks abac, it's great to hear that she is not the only one. Cause then I can just chalk it up to passing phase and tolerate it (at least part of the time







: )

It will end, right?


----------



## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

AP was so easy (to me) when she was little, but somehow it gets harder

*sigh*


----------



## daisylover (Sep 20, 2007)

My DS, just turning three today, has been having seperation anxiety for about six months, maybe longer. He is not as bad at home, and seems to feel safe being in another room from me here, unless it is night/dark. Oh, but he does do the bathroom thing, cannot leave him going potty for more than a few seconds. However, he does not want to be without his mom and/or dad under other circumstances. Family members/close friends who he used to stay with no problem, now he gets very sad and does not want to. Sometimes when his older brother is with him he can handle it. I think Sledge is right, it can pop up at different ages. We just keep talking about his feelings, what will happen while we are gone, where we will be, and the fact we always come back. Reassure, reassure, reassure. It is hard though, he gets so anxious and worried from the second he knows we have to go somewhere without him.


----------



## Luca'smum (Apr 1, 2005)

My ds is 3.5 too and he is having the same difficulties. He always has to be in the same room as me - preferably within a meter of where I am. It is driving me crazy but I am glad to hear that he isn't the only one. I think it is partly his developing imagination. He is now scared of monsters and giants in the house. He won't let me use the toilet alone as he is too scared to be on the other side of the door. I think perhaps he is a bit too young to grasp the concept of the imaginary versus real world. It is like I have my very own 1 meter high shadow. Sorry not to have any suggestions - but you have my simpathy.

Kelly


----------



## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

My 3.5 is going through this, and he never went through it as a younger baby (other than a few weeks when he was 6-7mos). When my boys go through this I try to totally succumb. Just flood them with connection as much as possible. It doesn't always make it go away, but sometimes it helps, and it feels better than fighting it. I think they sometimes just want to know I'm available at that level if they need it.


----------



## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

3.5 year old separation anxiety here. Although, we're on the tail end of it. My extremely verbal son will go with papa or me and a few friends, but will not participate in any classes/ do preschool AT ALL.

At the height of it he would get really upset if either papa or I left the house, even if the other one was still home. He wanted the entire family to go everywhere together.

But we've worked through it, and now he says he'll do stuff when he is 4. He will go to preschool without mama when he is 4, participate in capoeira, art, etc-- when he is 4.

I'm sure he might have some difficulties, then, but it is a starting place.

My oldest son never when through this at all--some separation anxiety around one year, but that was it.


----------



## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

It is sooo nice to hear others in the middle of this, that DD is just being a normal 3 year old









Thanks so much for the responses


----------

