# i lost my little girl.



## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

i've been in this forum a few times, reading all your stories, hearing about all the losses, crying with you, wanting to give each and every one of you great big hugs, and trying to gather the courage to write my story.

i still don't even know where to start... so i'll just start typing, and hope that it comes out... so bare with me.

it's been 7 weeks today, since i lost her. My beautiful baby girl. it was sunday april 5th, i was at 40 weeks exactly. right on the day she was due, my boyfriend and i were on our way to the hospital, i videotaped the car ride there, we were laughing between contractions, so excited, i asked Joel what he was thinking about soon becoming the daddy of two sassy little girls and he could barely talk cause we were smiling so much and just couldn't believe the day had finally come.

The night before, we had the night to ourselves, we had a cozy bath, ordered pizza and ate it in bed while watching saturday night live and enjoying the kicks and punches poking from my belly. it was so nice to just be alone with each other for the first time in a couple months. our almost two year old daughter was spending the night with gammy, gampy, and auntie Sarah. during a commercial i asked Joel if he wanted another soda as i went downstairs to get myself a drink, and ended up dropping his can of coke which got punctured on something and went FLYING around the kitchen, coating what seemed like every damn surface in the place! i yelled up to him saying i'd be a while downstairs.
so i cleaned it all up, went back upstairs laughing and then went to bed.
it wasn't but an hour or two i started feeling like something was finally happening, and from then my contractions got shorter and longer, and i thought, THIS IS IT! i called my midwives early in the morning, they said that my contractions should be a bit stronger and closer together, and to call again soon. so i had a little bath, and a nap. I woke up around 1:30pm, told Joel to call them again, and they said to come on down to the hospital and see how i was progressing.

we parked, grabbed the pink rolley suitcase, and went upstairs. we met with my midwives and went into a little room, i was SO happy to be there, knowing this was the DAY, the one i've been anxiously waiting for the last 9 months, the day we get to meet our baby!

i got into the bed, and Hailey (one of my midwives) checked me and told me i was already 7-8 cm, she said "good job!" i couldn't believe i was that far already, and being able to sleep through most of it was really surprising to me as my last labor was 32 hours long and REALLY painful for me.

they put the little heartbeat monitor on me...

she moved it around all over, i couldn't hear anything so i looked at Joel, he looked confused, Shawn (my other midwife) said "i think she's laying with her back to your back, and that's why it's hard to find." then finally, we all heard the faintest little beating... i felt a sigh of relief for a moment until she put her hand on my wrist...

then all these people started pouring in, like 4 nurses, a doctor, an ultrasound machine, i remember thinking... "i'm going to throw up."
i stared at the screen, seeing what they all were seeing but not allowing myself to believe it... a few minutes passed... a few more...
i had my head back and my hands on my face shaking with the worst fears going through my mind...
I heard the doctor say "Jennifer..."
his voice was soft and the room got so quiet... I looked at him with desperate eyes and held my breath as he finished his sentence...
"i'm sorry."

I felt the blood drain from my face.
I screamed "what do you mean?!" and I made them look again... and again... and again...

I remember saying "where's Joel?!" and him running to my side, his face pale and his eyes red and full of tears... he leaned over on me and i grabbed him in my arms, we were crying so hard, we could barely breathe...

getting the IV and rolling me into the birthing room is sort of a blur, all i can remember about that is watching the ceiling lights go by one after one, and not being able to feel much of my arms.

we got into the birthing room and the guy came in to give me an epidural, i didn't move, didn't feel it. i couldn't feel anything.
i laid down, held my belly, and cried with Joel for 4 long hours until it was time to push. during that time he made a couple phone calls, one to my parents and sister. they started the drive to our house.

My sister Sarah, was supposed to be in there with us, and the plan was to call her once we got to the hospital so she could come up and be there to share in the birth and experience it with us. My sister and i are best friends and are so close, i was so excited to share this time with her. but it didn't happen the way it was supposed to.

when it was time to push, i was asked if i was ready...
up until that point i was just waiting and waiting, anxious to have her out and in my arms, but when they asked me if i was ready i said no... realizing that this was it, she would no longer be inside me, and i didn't want to let her go, i wanted to keep her in there forever, because that was where she lived her whole life...

a part of me was still holding onto the thought that they had made a mistake, that maybe that faint little beating we heard WAS hers and she would come out and cry and surprise everyone...

4 pushes and she was out. she didn't cry.
it was so quiet all i could hear was my own breathing.
i was empty.

that faint little beating we heard was my heart, not hers.
she was gone, i had lost my little girl.

they bundled her up and brought her to me. she looked just like her sister. so beautiful, so perfect. Joel and i had her with us that night. i sang to her, told her all about her big sister Lily, told her of the loving family that's been waiting to meet her, and as i held her in my arms, i looked out the window.
the mild weather turned to rain, and then snow. hours went by.
i kissed her goodnight.

I came home with Joel and a little white box.
my dad hugged me for a long time. my mom looked so sad.
Sarah was curled up with Lily on the couch.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
I held Lily for a while. then picked her up and took her upstairs to bed.

3 days later we buried our little girl.
our little Ruby Jean.

i guess i'm just looking for a little added support along with the support of my family and friends, from the mama's out there who KNOW what this feels like and knows that no one can "imagine" what it's like unless they've actually HAD it happen to them. unfortunately there seems to be a lot of us out there. i'm feeling a million different things, and each day is different... i'll write more about those things soon probably, this is the first time i've actually wrote about what happened, and i think i should maybe stop here and get some sleep.
if anyone has read this far, thank you.
~xo~


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

Mama..







...you are my hero...you have strength and courage that I'm not sure I could ever conjure up.

I am awake too..after 1am...unable to sleep after my recent miscarriage...our little boy was only 18 weeks along..but my heart is broken and it is hard to see the future.

I am so "glad" you got to hold your beautiful little girl, sing to her, and talk with her. I really cannot imagine what you've been through, but my thoughts are totally with you. You are so brave to post this! You are amazing.

I am hoping that I see my little boy again someday....his spirit...his soul. Maybe your little Ruby Jean will come back to you someday, some other way. And thank goodness you have your little Lily. I have a 2 year old as well, my Llewellyn. She has been my only hope...my smile...through all this.

When you are ready, I'm sure we'd all love to see a picture of your little girl.


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## momof4peppers (May 31, 2005)

Sending you gentle hugs and wishing you peace.

Thank you for sharing your birth story with us. I love the name Ruby!

I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better, or the power to bring Ruby from the Angels. All I can say is that I'm sorry for your pain. Remember to breathe, and be gentle with yourself, no matter WHAT you're feeing. All feelings are ok.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

My heart is broken for you.







I wish, wish, wish that no one would ever have to go thru this ache. Thank you for sharing your story of your precious Ruby Jean.

I'm glad you've found your way here to us. This is a great supportive group of women who do know and understand. I've found it really important to find people, both online and IRL who have been thru it. It has been an invaluable support.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I have no words. I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry Jennifer.







So many of the emotions you went through reminded me of my experience with Lachlan, even though the circumstances were different. The rollercoaster of believing in some hope with the heartbeat monitor, then all of the commotion of doctors rushing into the room... I'm so sorry, it's so incredibly painful, I really wish you weren't going through this.







My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry you don't have your Ruby with you. It's so unfair.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very, very sorry that Ruby Jean didn't get to come home with her mama & papa. Everytime someone new comes here to tell their story, I want to stamp my feet and scream about how unfair it is that our children aren't here with us.

I lost my little girl, Emma, during labour on my due date too, back in October. The last seven months have been a rollercoaster - I finally understand that the word heartbroken isn't just a description. It's a fact. My heart has been hurt and fractured and it is physically painful.

I have found a lot of love & support & healing on this forum. I hope you do too.








Ruby Jean


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)




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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Ruby Jean

I am so sorry to hear another story like this. It breaks my heart to know of another lost little one, clearly so wanted and loved. We are here for you because we understand like so few do, this is quite a journey so I am glad you found your way to us because I know I couldn't have made it to today with out the women here. I'll be thinking of you today and your husband and two daughters. I am so sorry Momma!


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

oh no, I'm so sorry, it is just not fair that this happened to you and your family


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## amberchap (Jan 14, 2007)

I am so very sorry. I am sitting here crying for you and wish I had words to make you feel better but really there are none. It is just unfair that this happens. Sending prayers of love and peace your way.


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## girlygirl707 (Apr 23, 2009)

As you know there are no magic words that any of us can say to take any of your pain away. My daughter Marissa went to Heaven the day before your sweet Ruby Jean. I hope that you can find comfort from this board. It has helped me tremendously. I am not sure about you, but the last 7 weeks have seen so quick yet so long ago at the same time. I am sending lots of hugs and hope your way. I recently bought a wind chime for my angel's gravesite that says..."We do not remember days, we remember moments" (Cesare Pavese) as I try to cherish all the special happy memories my angel brought to my life.















Ruby Jean


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I am so very sorry.








Ruby


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## wbg (Mar 28, 2008)

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thinking of you, little Ruby and your whole family...and sending you warm, healing energy.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I"m so sorry for the loss of your little Ruby Jean. I know that no words can help out with your sorrow and pain. Please use this time to grieve for your little one but don't forget about yourself...take care of yourself too. You did nothing wrong. These crappy things just happen. I was on the losing end also. I lost my Norah at 40 weeks also. After 18 months, I can see the future but in the beginning, it was rough going. In fact, I know my story and posts exist in the archieves. I was part of this forum before losing Norah because I had a previous 12 week miscarriage and my story exists from beginning to now here on this website. Please email if you need more support or have questions. I remember emailing several ladies on this website who had full term losses to get perspective and connect with more women. We are here for you (((HUGS)))
Peace and Strength, D.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so very sad to see someone new join us here. But also very glad that you found us. I have found so much support here, and I hope you will too. All of us have such similar stories and emotions that it's easy to get the support you're looking for.







Huge hugs to you and your whole family.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i am just so so sorry ruby jean isn't in your arms. my heart is broken for you and your partner.









thank you for sharing your story with us. we will keep ruby in our hearts, and you and your family in our thoughts.








ruby jean


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Jennifer, I'm crying with you, Mama.








I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful girl.
Ruby Jean - what a lovely name.








Your story really touched me.
I also found out my son had died after I arrived at the
hospital in full-blown labor, all excited to meet him. I so
clearly remember that moment when I saw the u/s screen.
You and your family are very much in my thoughts.

Em


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so very sorry, Jennifer. My heart aches for you, mama. I just love her name. So pretty. The circumstances for being here really do suck, but these ladies are wonderful. I love these ladies. They've been such a great support these last 6 months. Many, many hugs. You and your family are in my thoughts.
















Ruby Jean


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## tillfordburrows (May 24, 2009)

I'm so sorry about what happened to little Ruby Jean and your family. It is so heartbreaking.









My story is similar to yours- I thought I would be delivering that day just to be safe, the ultrasound was horrible, and I remember just wanting to get everything over with-until they decided to break my water. At that point I knew he was coming and I didn't want him out of me. It is so horrible, I know. I am so glad that you got to meet her face to face, but I wish it was all different. Cherish her memory, mama. Please take care.


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## Steady Mom (May 23, 2009)

It is so heartbreaking to hear your story. I'm SO sorry for your deep loss, and can't imagine how it must feel for you and your family. Thank you for your courage and for coming here to share your story.

I will be keeping you in my prayers....


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Oh mama, my heart breaks for you







It just isn't fair.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.








for your beautiful Ruby Jean. I wish you peace and healing


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

Ruby Jean


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you will find the support here that you need.















Ruby Jean


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

Every story on here like this is so terribly heartbreaking. I'm so awfully sorry for you and Joel. Blessings on you both, and on Miss Ruby Jean.


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Ruby Jean


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## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

Ruby Jean


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## UberMama (Feb 27, 2007)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Ruby Jean. ::HUGS::


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## Yolonda T (May 17, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing in life prepares you for this type of journey this type of pain. I am wishing you peace underneath all of your grief.

Take care,
Yolonda
Angel D'Lon Grace Mommy


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Oh mama, I am just so deeply sorry....my heart is breaking for you


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am so very sorry this happened to you. This is one of those darker sides of life we all hope we never see, if we even think about them at all.

I've been where you are and it is unmistakeably the most raw time I have ever spent inside my own skin. It was very hard to know how to find my way through each day - even making tea was hard. I know this feeling well - it's something we have in common in the early stages, and only after that is given to us the choice of what to do with the pain...

I send my hugest love and my most compassionate hugs to you. I _can_ imagine how you feel, I really can, and right now, you need love and support to get you through this to a place where you can see life in all it's incredible focus once again.

XXXXX Many hugs and kisses and much love to you, mama XXXXX


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

We lost our little William at 39 weeks on April 1 of this year. I know the path you're on, mama. It's one we never ever hope to start down. I'm so sorry your little girl isn't in your arms today.








Ruby Jean







:


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

I am so very sorry for your loss. The pain and grief your feeling is beyond words and I am so so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ruby Jean and your family.


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## mrsbub (Mar 17, 2009)

So sorry, mama. Sending love and prayers your way.


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## Cari Norris (May 27, 2009)

I am so very very sorry. My prayers and love are with you.
I lost my baby at almost 14 weeks and was devastated. I can't imagine going to full term. I'm glad you got to hold your baby and have that time with her. I held my tiny baby too and cried over him. I will never forget his tiny hand. Never.
I do believe my baby's spirit is near me and that brings me comfort, though I still have huge waves of grief. I'm letting myself go very slow, and trying to be very gentle with myself during this grieving process. I hope you will do the same.
Much love,
Cari


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

i never thought there would be so many of us out here... i can't begin to put into words how comforting it is to know you're all thinking about us and keeping us in your prayers, to all you mama's out there, THANK YOU. you are all in my thoughts too, everyday. <3

after the funeral, we had family and friends come over to spend some time together, to just BE together. the feeling that someone very small and important was missing hit me so hard... i was in the kitchen stealing a moment to myself, stirring a tea, almost unaware that i had probably been stirring it for about 5 minutes straight, i took a deep breath and looked up as i let it go, it felt like someone had stepped on my chest and wouldn't get off, that's when i noticed the soda drops on the ceiling... i thought i had cleaned it all up a few nights back, when the can exploded.
and right now i can't bring myself to clean it off for some reason. maybe it's because it happened in the last few hours my baby was alive... i don't know.
you can't even really notice it unless you look up.

i'm in the middle of designing the marker for my sweet little Ruby. The people at the cemetery are total idiots. they just can't pull it together. i even had to tell the lady how to work her computer. i can't believe they have people like that, working in places like that. i've been back and forth with them trying to get this sorted out... but finally, i think we're almost there.

i never thought i'd be doing something like this. EVER. burying my own child, and designing her grave marker. i'm going through bouts of anger mostly today, i don't know what to DO with it... the other day i dug a huge hole in my front lawn, planted some lilies... cried uncontrollably and then sat on the porch for a while thinking about how old people are supposed to die instead of babies...

i'm realizing that i'm not only grieving MY loss, but of HERS too... the person she would have been, the things she would have done, and everything she would have brought to the world... it's so unfair that she didn't even have a chance to show the world what she could do.

i started a scrapbook. it takes an incredible amount of time to make a page look like you just dropped a bunch of random things on it.

sorry my thoughts are just as random... i'm not great at writing things in order, all i can do is write as it comes to my head.

to all of you... i'm so sorry for your losses. it's unimaginable and so completely sad that there are so many of you who know what it's like...
but i'm so glad there's a place like this where we can find each other. i have so much to write and let out, so if it's ok i'll just keep going with this...

xoxoxoxoxoXO


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:

but i'm so glad there's a place like this where we can find each other. i have so much to write and let out, so if it's ok i'll just keep going with this...
I'm so glad you're finding comfort here during this time


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Mama... I'm so so so sorry and I absolutely KNOW exactly how you feel. I wish you didn't need to be here and I wish I didn't understand. This is the hardest most awful thing you will ever deal with. There is no candy coating that could ever make it seem better. This is the reality of things now, but it will get better slowly with time. We're all on this path together unfortunately, but there are so many wonderful women here to hold you up so you do NOT need to be strong. Take as little or as much as you need from here. There's always someone waiting to "hug" you and listen.

You will make it, but for now you will feel like you never will. It's ok to feel whatever you need to. Take your time and do it your way. Somehow, grief is good.

All my love to you today mama...


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

It breaks my heart to hear your story







-- I hate that this keeps happening. I lost my son at 39 weeks 5 days, just about a week before you lost your daughter. I, too, am on this road that no one ever wants to walk down. So much of what you've written rings true, especially mourning the loss of who your child would have been. I was so excited to finally meet my son and see what he looked like and discover his personality and talents. And now I'm sad for me and sad for him that he will never have his first day at school, or go to prom, or go to college, or have babies of his own. It's just heartbreaking, all of it.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

I am heartbroken for you. So, so sorry for your loss...


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## ChinaDoll (Jul 27, 2003)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Ruby


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss of little Ruby Jean. My heart just breaks for your family.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)




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## flowers (Apr 8, 2004)

I'm so sorry mama.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Ruby Jean has a wonderful mama....

When I held my little lost son Simon Alexander...I found myself singing a song my great grandmother used to sing to me. The Riddle Song...it ends with the explanation that a baby when it's sleepin' "has no crying..." I sobbed so hard knowing I had "given my love a baby with no cryin'". Just like the song..only, he wasn't sleeping. I still hear that song in my head...I have sung that song to all my boys when they were baby's...Simon is no exception. I just wish he had been truly sleeping...instead of being lost to me.

I am so sorry for your terrible terrible loss.
There are no words vast enough to express this world we have found.

Hold your little girl tight enough to hold Ruby too.
with love...


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

mama may you find peace







: So Sorry for your loss


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## blissful_maia (Feb 17, 2005)

Sweet mama... I am so sorry for you and your family.
















Ruby Jean


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Ruby Jean

I am so, so sorry.


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

i can't believe how many of us there are out there... i wish you were all in a big room so i could hug each and every single one of you, look at your pictures, show you my pictures, cry and laugh with you... maybe even have one of you cry on MY shoulder, y'know?
all of the stories i read from all of you make me cry so hard, i'm thinking about all of you, and i thank you for thinking of me and Ruby and Lily and Joel... just to know that other people out there KNOW of Ruby and KNOW of her story, and KNOW that she existed make me feel incredibly comforted.

it's been 9 weeks now and things are about the same... i'm anxiously waiting for my cycle to return so i can start feeling like i'm getting "back to normal" or something. i grabbed some rocks out of a restaurant parking lot for my garden, (they were off by the back beside the trash so i thought, meh... no one will care) and now it looks finished.

on friday, Joel, Lily and I went to the place to order Ruby's marker. The lady was really nice, she took my drawing and assured me that they can do it the way i want, and told me that it's going to look beautiful.
we're buying the plot beside Ruby (it's on hold for us) so we can all be side by side one day. we're also doing this so that our families won't have to go through making arrangements for us one day, they won't have the burden of thinking "is this what they would have wanted?" and feeling the pressure of it all. it will already be done and no one will have to worry about it.
has anyone else done this? i feel a wierd comfort in knowing that i'm taking care of my own arrangements and no one else has to deal with the hassle of it all when i die. all they have to do is show up, say goodbye, and that's it.

it dawned on me as we were driving home, that although i've been hating all this cemetery/marker/ordering stuff STUFF, i've also NEEDED it and i didn't realize it. i have been so determined to get everything done and in its place, that i never stopped to think about how i would feel afterward...
i feel like i need to do something more... but there's nothing MORE to do.
and so, what's next? the last couple days i've been feeling HUGE waves of grief and every emotion you can think of, maybe i was too pre-occupied before? and now, with no more to really "worry" about, it's hitting me full force.
I did a tattoo today, it helps me focus on my art and its a good way to be creative and have good conversation. i've only done a couple since Ruby died but i'm working on getting back into it because it's something i really love to do and it let's me put my thoughts onto one straight path for a few hours.
one of the ones i did was on my mom. a little baby angel over her heart, a little smaller than a CD after adding the background in.
i thought it was going to be really emotionally hard to do that one but it wasn't. it was kind of nice.

I also drew a picture of Ruby and I, to put on the shelf with all of our other family photos. i feel good about that.

here is the link to it if anyone would like to see it:

http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b1...at/loveweb.jpg

~xo~


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## Maximeee (May 1, 2008)

The picture is gorgeous, Mama...

I am so SO sorry for all your losses, mamas


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I am SO sorry for your loss. I'm a year ahead of you. Wish none of us were thrust into our situations, but you are right it is great to know we are not the only ones too. We DO need each other.

I LOVE your drawing! are you going to get it tatooed?

I also really love that you are DOING things. that is how we get our grief (feeling) out, turning it into action. I went through grief class. 'mourning' is the action and is very important to keep you healthy, physically and emotionally.

You are doing some great things even though it's only been 9 weeks. so kudos to you.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

I am so so sorry for your loss.
Nothing I can come up with seems good enough to say, Just so sorry.
Sending you hugs and warm thoughts.


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

((HUGS))) sorry for your loss.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Ruby Jean








I know how raw the grief must be right now, mama. I lost my Georgia three days before her due date under exactly the same circumstances - I was in active labor and the midwife arrived at our house and couldn't find her heartbeat. That ultrasound of my perfect but still baby and the doctor saying "your baby is no longer alive" is a moment I can't stop reliving - even two years later. I know your agony. There is no sorrow like a mother whose baby has been stolen from her.
But there is healing ahead - be gentle to yourself and remember Ruby Jean in whatever way gives you comfort.


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

thank you to EVERYONE!
i can't begin to tell you how much i truely appreciate your understanding and support, it's funny cause even though i don't know you all personally, i feel like i have found new friends. your love and thoughts are helping me stand straight, and i'm so thankful for it.
finding this forum and all of you has really been a HUGE help for me.
hugs and more hugs to ALL of you from me and my little family









I had my final blood test today, it was AWFUL going back to the hospital and walking by the same room that i was in 9 weeks ago finding out my sweet Ruby wasn't alive. luckily, my midwife met me there today, took the blood FAST and i was out. maybe took 5 minutes.

so far everything has turned up negative. i'll have to wait for a few weeks to find out about the clotting test, but most likely that will be fine too as my search for a concrete answer seems to be going nowhere.

they say (and said at the hospital as she came out) that it was most likely the knot in her cord, which they noticed as she was born.
and it makes me so angry knowing that the knot had probably occurred when she was teeny tiny and had probably been there for MONTHS, only to get pulled tight somehow just hours before she was born.
i feel completely ripped off.

another theory i have, and it might not even make sense, but, maybe since i had a low lying placenta, maybe, MAYBE, somehow, she compressed the cord when she dropped down into my pelvis... or a little part of it got snagged beside her head... something like that... she was also heading down face first... i don't know... i don't know how to put it all together...

i'm making a cedar wood box, (with the help of my dad) with pretty gold hardware and i'm going to paint little pretty details on it, to put her stuff in.
that gives me another thing to do, to feel good about.

they say cord knots are pretty rare... has anyone else had this happen?

you know, today while i was walking with Lily... i started daydreaming and imagining all of our lost littles playing together, somewhere our eyes can't reach, but in a place our hearts can feel... and it made me smile.
~xo~


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

I have no words of comfort but know your pain.









I hope some peace will find you during this difficult time. I love her name... absolutely beautiful.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

For Ruby Jean. Yesterday was her birthday.







s she will never be forgotten.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)




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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Remembering Ruby Jean and sending love to her mom and dad.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)




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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)




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## sept04mama (Mar 3, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I didn't know how you feel- but since I do your post made me cry. Find something positive about your life and hold on to that- like your daughter. That's the only way I've made it this long. (25 1/2 weeks)

I'm so sorry.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

*HUGE hugs* on your daughter's birthday. I remember this last year with Josie. I remember feeling that she was somehow near me again, just for a few days. It was both poignant and interesting and curious, all at the same time. Very very emotional, for sure.

I hope that whatever you did, and however you marked the occasion, that you are feeling somewhat peaceful in your soul. Much love to you, mama... XXXXX


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Thinking of you, remembering Ruby Jean


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)




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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I'm crying reading your story. I am so so sorry.


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