# The things people say...



## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

I just wanted to make a list of the the silly things, the bizarre, the ridiculouse, the hurtfull or shocking even, the things that people will say to someone when they have learned that they have had a m/c or loss. I've just heard so many different things in the last three months... if anyone else feels like sharing.

My favorites:
"Everything happens for a reason"
"You're young enough to try again"
"You are lucky that it happened now and not further along in your pregnancy, or after the baby was born" !!!!
"SO, are you done now?" ......!!!!! ARG!!!!





























:


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## heatherh (Jun 25, 2005)

"Have you thought about trying again yet?"


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## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

The best (worst!) one ever came after my first m/c six years ago. I had two women over to visit me from church about two weeks after I m/c. The should have known that I had miscarried, but didn't. A few weeks before, we had just bought some new furniture that we had saved for for a while.

They asked me how I was feeling. I said something to the effect of I was recovering physically okay.

They didn't understand, so I proceeded to tell them that I had miscarried about two weeks before.

One of the women looked at the other and (no joke!) said, "Well, at least you have nice couches."










They were NOT invited back to my house.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

So, when are you going to get around to giving G a little brother or sister?

Were you trying to have another? (are you kidding me???!!!! Like that matters - my baby's dead!!!!!)


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I think one of the best was my SIL. She bugged us non stop from the time we lost Arawyn about trying again. It took 4 months to get the bleeding under control (retained placenta that required a D&C to remove) and then 11 months of TTC to get pregnant. She was really obnocious about it. Then we announce the pregnancy and she looks at me and says "Are you sure it is safe for you to get pregnant again with your history?"







: WTF after bugging me for so long about getting pregnant now she doesn't think I should have done it?

Then there was the usual,
"It was God's will" Uh I'm not Christian and my MIL knows it, and even if I were great way to make me angry at god.

"You can have another"
"It was for the best"
"These things happen for a reason"
"You should just move on"

Then there was dh's aunt. Dh's 13 yr old cousin was killed in a car wreck a few months after Arawyn died. His aunt was understandably upset. I wanted to comfort her I really did, but she kept saying such horrible things to me. Finally sitting in MIL's (her sister) living room she said "None of you will ever understand how hard it is to lose a child." I just glared at her. I made dh take ds and I home, I couldn't take it any more. MIL forced Dh and his brothers to be pall bearers at the funeral but I refused to attend. MIL asked dh why we didn't go and he told her I was very upset about the things R had said to us. She didn't get it. Then she said, "oh well losing B was totally different. She was a teenager, we actually knew her. It is a harder loss. Shannon needs to get past this and help the family."







: I would give anything to have known my daughter outside my body for even and hour. To have heard her cry or seen the color of her eyes. To have not had death inside my body, in my womb where life is supposed to grow. To not have to doubt myself as a woman and mother. To have had her first words, first steps, favorite toys and books to hold onto and look back on. It isn't about who has a worse loss. I am a mother mourning my daughter and I deserve to do that. We are not supposed to outlive our children, be they moments or years old. I still avoid R and her whole family.


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## CaraNicole (Feb 28, 2007)

the worst i've ever been told...it's a good thing it happened, you are too young to be a good mother...i was 19 almost 20 at the time...guess i was old enough at 21...i was actually told this by a family member...i did make a snarky comment to this person a few weeks ago..."do you think me and dh are old enough to be good parents now?" i did get a reply along the lines of "yeah your a great mother never thought you would be" can i say this person makes my blood boil?


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

!


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

"At least your move will be simpler."

"You get to have fun trying to conceive again."


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## *Aimee* (Jan 8, 2007)

"trying again is the best part right?"

Said by my DH's boss 1 week after


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## debe (Jan 30, 2007)

To all of you that suffered poopy and stupidly callous remarks- I am soo very sorry. Unfortunately, there seems no way to enlighten people. I also hate the; 'every thing happens for a reason' comment, as I do not find predetermination plausible. I find it interesting that the persons that would seem to be the most likely to commiserate, are those who say the most callous things. I am really sorry for the loss you each are enduring.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Wow. I was compelled to respond.

We lost Adia the same weekend as Hurricane Katrina.

"Well, at least you still have your house!" Indeed -- but no baby to help fill it. Thanks for that glaring reminder. Said by a woman who had lost 3 herself and whose dil had lost one 3 mos before.

"Do you know what killed the baby?" No, we don't. I'm just assuming something was wrong. The woman continued, "I bet is was stress. It must have been stress."

And you know, when I share these ridiculous thoughts w/ others who have suffered miscarriages, they are just as stupefied as I am that people can say such thoughtless things.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

"Thank God it happened now, what if you had carried it all the way and then it had been born all deformed?"

"There was probably something wrong with it anyway"

"These things are sent to try us"

*Pat on back* "Oh well, don't worry about it"

"Count your blessings, some women never get to have ANY children"

"At least you aren't bitter"


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

When Elora died, my grandmother told me that she knew how I felt because her dog just died that week @@


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Yes, yes, we can always try again, we're never bitter, and my babies are just like my pets!







:


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

Said by (future) SIL ,who was due around the same time I would have been: "Be glad you're not pregnant", while making a big scene about having to pee all the time. Yeah, I'm sure it can get annoying, but surprisingly enough, I wasn't exactly thrilled that I wasn't pg anymore.

"Be glad you don't have children", same SIL, about two weeks later, while complaining about her 20mo DS having spilled juice on the carpet. (this was followed by "especially boys". She really isn't happy about having had a boy and does make it clear to everyone, including her DS. 'Cause, you know, obviously 20mo girls never spill juice)

Same SIL: "So, when do I get a niece?" over and over and over again. Like a f-in broken record. Back off, lady. It's hard enough that my body isn't cooperating with this making babies thing at all right now, you don't need to rub it in. Also, when it does happen, it might just be a nephew. I know boys don't exist to you, and that's the only reason I hope it'll be a boy. Just so I'll have an excuse to keep it away from you.

(talking about the benefits of breastfeeding) "You don't have any children, you'll change your mind, you don't know what you're talking about." Guess what, d!ckwad, I am able to read even if I couldn't carry my baby to term. I never claimed to know what BFing is like, all I did was tell you how it benefits babies. I never commented on your decision to switch to formula at 2 weeks because "she wasn't getting enough, she was hungry every three or four hours" (eh? sounds normal to me. but of course, having no children, I couldn't possibly know). If you don't want the facts about infant feeding, don't start a conversation about it with me. I don't think squeezing a live one out would make me any more capable of processing information thankyouverymuch. Just as I don't need to have had cancer to read about it and know what it does to your body, I don't need to have breastfed to read about it and know what it does for your baby.

(talking about circ with a pro-circer) "I know you don't have children yet and that's maybe why you attack parents so lightly because you don't know the deep love and caring and how we're just trying to do the right thing for our children." In all fairness, this person did not actually know I had m/c'd, but still that really, really hurt. I think I got a glimpse of the love and caring you have for your child, and I can only imagine that it gets stronger and stronger once the baby is born. But you know what, even if I'd never been pg, I think I would be just as opposed to genital mutilation.

Oh yeah, and "do you think it might because you were moving at the time, maybe you lifted things that were too heavy and made it happen". Gee, thanks. That's just the kind of support I needed. Actually, yes, I think about what I could have done to make it happen every single day. Nevermind that the "lifting heavy things" has been pretty much disproven. Nevermind that there most likely was no real reason for it to happen. Thank you for making one of my better days into one that ended with me crying uncontrollably for hours, because obviously I don't have the right to forget that I am to blame for what happened.

I think I need my venom glands milked







:


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

My mw told me "Try not to think about it." when she sent me home from her office with an appt to see an ob later that week for a d&c. She seemed sincerely sorry for us and I can only guess that she was flustered and didn't know what she was really saying, but still


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

After I conceived my son the cycle after my loss several people said, "Well, if you hadn't m/c then you wouldn't have this baby!" It was always said so cheery like I really should be happy and thankful for my lost baby.








:

Another friend called to comfort me and proceeded to complain about all the drama happening around her upcoming wedding. Ummm, I just lost a CHILD, I don't give a crap who walks you up the aisle!


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

"Why didn't you just have a c-section?"

Said to me the day after the birth of our son... he was somehow deprived of oxygen during a relatively routine labor and delivery (probably pinched his cord) and passed away after five days.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

My grandmother email me yesterday and in reference to my multiple miscarriages and resulting testing we are going through she had this to say:

"You know, I had lots of miscarriages and I just didn't think about it. You need to stop thinking about it and if it's meant to happen it will - WITHOUT HELP!!!"

It's as if I was personally offending her by seeking medical assistance in staying pregnant. She had multiple miscarriages, my mother had multiple miscarriages, I have had multiple miscarriages ... don't you think it's time one of us got some answers?







:


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## momto4boys2girls (Apr 27, 2007)

I've heard some pretty "ignorant" comments this past week (lost Id twins)...I guess since we have 6 healthy children already, we don't "deserve" to have anymore. Here are some of the most shocking......

*"all of your other kids are so healthy and active..these 2 were obviously not healthy and you wouldn't want to take care of 2 kids that probably wouldn't be able to walk, talk, etc....all they would do is lay around and need your 24 hour care"* (unbelieveable!)

*"I bet you have a hard time paying your grocery bill now, 2 more kids would have put you in debt. You should consider yourself lucky"* (how is losing 2 children "lucky"?????- and we do better than okay financially,thank you! UGH!)

I even have had several people LAUGH and joke that now I won't need to purchase a 15 passenger bus to haul all of our kids around in!

Since I haven't even officially miscarried as of yet (meaning, the babies are still inside me)....the comments are the worst. I'm seriously thinking of just hiding out at home until this is all over with!

Many {{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you that have had to endure thoughtless, ignorant, even downright cruel remarks...I know it's not easy.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I also get a lot of the, "If you hadn't have lost him, you wouldn't have Xan!" (who was conceived by surprise 6 weeks after).

For one, don't say that. Secondly, I don't believe it's true. I believe all of my children's souls are with me until a time is right for them to come into this world. I would have Xan now, or five years from now, whenever I would have had my next pregnancy.

Or, "But you have Xan now... " Like having another baby makes it all better. He isn't a !#*@$ing goldfish.


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## Zoeanne (Dec 4, 2005)

From my MIL (who I love) "I always had a feeling that something wasn't quite right with the pregnancy"


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

I forgot to add one special one that came from a family "friend" after my 06 m/c, this baby was a surprise, and dh and I were having a hard time all around... this person said to me "so now are you going to be smart enough to not have anymore unwanted children"!!!!!! ARG!!!!


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momto4boys2girls* 
I've heard some pretty "ignorant" comments this past week (lost Id twins)...I guess since we have 6 healthy children already, we don't "deserve" to have anymore. Here are some of the most shocking......

*"all of your other kids are so healthy and active..these 2 were obviously not healthy and you wouldn't want to take care of 2 kids that probably wouldn't be able to walk, talk, etc....all they would do is lay around and need your 24 hour care"* (unbelieveable!)

*"I bet you have a hard time paying your grocery bill now, 2 more kids would have put you in debt. You should consider yourself lucky"* (how is losing 2 children "lucky"?????- and we do better than okay financially,thank you! UGH!)

I even have had several people LAUGH and joke that now I won't need to purchase a 15 passenger bus to haul all of our kids around in!

Since I haven't even officially miscarried as of yet (meaning, the babies are still inside me)....the comments are the worst. I'm seriously thinking of just hiding out at home until this is all over with!

Many {{{{HUGS}}}} to all of you that have had to endure thoughtless, ignorant, even downright cruel remarks...I know it's not easy.

WOW, BIG HUGS to you mama, why do people think that they can make such flip comments? I don't get it. I live in a community where big families are a blessing, one woman asked a father, "you have 7, why do you want one more?", he aswered, "if each child is worth a million ($), woudn't you want one more?" I am sorry for your loss mama, lots of love to you and your family.


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## strmis (Dec 31, 2006)

"The water quality in our environment is so bad. You never know, that might have been why you m/c'd"
-said to me by the lady trying to sell us a water filter... which we bought because i NEEDED one (shouldn't have gotten it from her tho!) Are you f** serious lady?? Using my baby's death as a sales tactic?









AND

"I had three m/c's before I had my daughter, and two more after. And you're still young, there'll be others"

-thanks auntie. those were _real_ words of encouragement there. In fact, just makes me wanna get right back on that high horse and get goin.







:







:

I know they mean well, but ... really. Better off just biting your tongue.


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## ShannaW (May 22, 2006)

"you'll be pregnant again in no time!"








:


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShannaW* 
"you'll be pregnant again in no time!"








:


Oooooooh I *hate* that one!


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

"your baby probebly died because you had your kids too close together" i got this from someone the day i found out i had mc and "if it was healthy you wouldn't have mc"







:


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

Quote:

_"You know, I had lots of miscarriages and I just didn't think about it. You need to stop thinking about it and if it's meant to happen it will - WITHOUT HELP!!!"_
My MIL kept saying this







to me. She kept saying things like, "Well, I had a baby at 36 with endometriosis. And I had lots of miscarriages before >child< was born, but I never let it bother me. If it was meant to be, it would have stuck."

Right, because my infertility condition induced miscarriages were "meant" to happen. Because that's totally normal and appropriate, and I should just get over it, forget about it, and not be upset. She can be so aggravating. She has such a talent at dismissing the feelings of others.








all around. All of these comments are awful. Sometimes I think people just don't know what to say, but in that case, I think "I'm so sorry" and a hug if appropriate are all that's required.

Julia
dd 1


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## GSMama (Jul 26, 2006)

You know after reading these today I was sure I wasn't going to have anything to add, I've heard variations of them all over the past week.

But this afternoon a friend of mine gave me a new one...

" I guess I was just really careful when I was pg with my second, you know I hardly went for a walk or anything during the first tri"

I very calmly explained that I could have gone windsurfing and it wouldn't have made a difference considering it was a blighted ovum. Thank goodness she lives an hour away from me or I would have gone over to her house and popped her one. Can anyone tell I'm moving into the anger phase of grieving?


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## 2shy2post (Oct 11, 2005)

I saw this. It's been a while since my last m/c and I lurk here every once in a while when I'm having one of those "remembering" kind of days. Hope you don't mind me posting...

"Well, you weren't planning to get pregnant anyway"

After our fourth m/c, a "friend" said, "Why do you even bother?"









She went on to explain that since we'd had so many m/c, we were probably just going to always miscarry and that it was "cruel" to our unborn children to get pregnant with them only for them to die. My husband should get fixed and we should adopt.

The other thing I hate - The fact that in medical terminology miscariages are termed "abortion" and that b/c I have had more than three, my pregs are considered "habitual abortions". I despise being lumped in with someone who CHOOSES to end their pregnancy!!!!







:

What kind of surprised me was that when my DS was born all this emotion about my m/cs came flooding in. It was a new level of realizing what we had lost when our babies died. I was sharing that emotion with someone and they were like, "Your son is fine, they weren't even real babies, it's time to get over it."







:

I think what's really hard about the comments (and I have heard a lot of the ones that PP mentioned) is not so much when they come from strangers, but when someone you thought you were close to can be so cruel/thoughtless... it stings just a little bit more. KWIM???


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

"God did this to you because you always do everything right in your pregnancy, and S is drinking and smoking through hers, and the fact that even you can have a stillbirth is a wake up call to her" (BTW, she continued to drink smoke and drug and had a relatively healthy baby)
I believe in God, but not THAT kind of God.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

My neighbor said to me today that maybe Connor died to 'help us realize that five kids is enough for one family, and you don't really need a sixth'


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

When I told my grandma about my first m/c, she asked, "what did you do?" like I caused it. She went on to explain that she miscarried her first pregnancy and that everyone was mad at her and told her it was her fault because she hung curtains earlier that day.







: I explained that it wasn't because of anything she had done. Can you imagine carrying that guilt around for 50+ years?


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

"You already have a boy and a girl, be thankful for them"

"You can try again to have another"

"Get over it already" (my DD died less than a month ago)

What really bothers me is the staring. I know people don't know what to say, but they just stare at me. . .it drives me crazy!


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysmom2* 
When I told my grandma about my first m/c, she asked, "what did you do?" like I caused it.

I got that from my SIL.







:


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

People have said to me:

"So are you back at work?" I lost my baby at 30 weeks. Now I do feel fine physically, but it's only been 3 weeks. No offense to those wanting / needing to work, but I really need the time.

Also, looking at me like I should be 40 pounds lighter, when I was VERY pregnant just 3 weeks ago. No one has actually said I should lose weight, but they look at me like they think I'm fat. There's worse things to be than fat, I know, but it irks me.


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## momto4boys2girls (Apr 27, 2007)

Jayme,

As a mother to 6 kids (and recently lost twins at 12 wks), the comment you received made my blood boil! Even before our loss, I would get some crude comments on the amount of kids we have, but I would just kind of shrug those off. Now in your case, it would have taken everything in my power not to smack your neighbor! Seriously! I just wanted to give you a bunch of {{{{HUGS}}}} and let you know that I hope & pray you have as many kids as you want, despite what other ignorant people say!









Much love to you, Momma!

Christi

www.theeidfamily.com


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

Thanks Christi


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## wwisdomskr (Dec 25, 2006)

"It's nature's way of weeding out problems..."









To the clueless responders of the world:

Seriously...what's wrong with just saying "I'm so sorry," and then just zipping your lips? Being fully present with someone is so much more important than anything we can say.

If I ask "why did this happen?" I don't really want your personal answer!! Just say "I don't know," because you DON'T... You can always add "It totally







sucks!" for good measure if you just have to say something...

Sheesh.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

A woman I worked with her daughter had a baby born around 20 weeks







she went to church for comfort and 2 old woman came to sit with her and actually had the nerve to tell her that loosing the baby was her punishment for having sex out of wedlock







: needless to say she hasnt been back to church since.


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## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

After my 3rd m/c, my sister (6 years younger, not married, no kids) asked me..."Whats wrong with you?"


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## Rosie_Kate (Dec 6, 2005)

"I hope you get pregnant again really soon" But I'm not looking for a replacement! Would you say that to someone who's spouse just died? 'I hope you get married again really soon' arg!

Also, "Oh, it's so common... 20 percent of pregnancies... blah blah blah" Yeah, well it's pretty common for children and adults to die, too, but we don't "comfort" peopel that way, do we?


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## ShannaW (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2shy2post* 
The other thing I hate - The fact that in medical terminology miscariages are termed "abortion" and that b/c I have had more than three, my pregs are considered "habitual abortions". I despise being lumped in with someone who CHOOSES to end their pregnancy!!!!







:

I think what's really hard about the comments (and I have heard a lot of the ones that PP mentioned) is not so much when they come from strangers, but when someone you thought you were close to can be so cruel/thoughtless... it stings just a little bit more. KWIM???

ITA, I had to do a bunch of paperwork at the OB for my m/c followup and I couldn't bring myself to fill out the "abortion" part. I just let it look confusing.

What was worse was that I called the OB after delivering our baby to ask if they needed to exam the body or placenta before we took the baby to the mortuary. The nurse kept telling me to take the "specimen" back to the hospital for geneic testing (which would hold no bearing to DH and I anyway) and even after I told her TWICE we were having our *Baby* cremated, she continued calling it a "product of conception" and "tissue speciman"







:


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## wifenmommy (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShannaW* 
ITA, I had to do a bunch of paperwork at the OB for my m/c followup and I couldn't bring myself to fill out the "abortion" part. I just let it look confusing.

What was worse was that I called the OB after delivering our baby to ask if they needed to exam the body or placenta before we took the baby to the mortuary. The nurse kept telling me to take the "specimen" back to the hospital for geneic testing (which would hold no bearing to DH and I anyway) and even after I told her TWICE we were having our *Baby* cremated, she continued calling it a "product of conception" and "tissue speciman"







:

I just would have to rip the nurse a new one!! It would have went a little like this......."Hold up Miss Coldhearted witch----That is my BABY you are speaking off and you had better remember that and quick!!" Followed by a complaint in writing to her boss, the newspaper and anyone else.....It is one thing to use medical terminology, but they need to remember that they are dealing with real live people with real feelings..........so very sorry for all you mammas......my heart goes out to each and every one of you......














:


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## Mommy2Austin (Oct 10, 2006)

My MIL meant well (was trying to lighten the mood) but we were in Denny's and I had just returned from the bathroom where I realized what had happened and she says "Well Gosh Sarah we really wanted this baby. We already went shopping for clothes!" She was just joking but it still was NOT what I needed then. It was another 20 minutes before we could leave because we had to wait on the check


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

The doctor who told me my 19 week old baby didn't have a heartbeat then said "it happens to lots of women". I believe he then said something about how it "wasn't your fault...it wasn't that glass of wine you had last night"

Sure, if you consider less than 1 percent of all pregnancies, lots of women.







: And I didn't have a glass of wine. Moron.

Then there's my sister. Let's see. The day after I found out my baby was dead, and I was still carrying my dead baby inside of me and was completely out of my mind with shock and grief, unable to get out of bed or eat or stop crying, and she asked me
"what's wrong with the baby?" (I guess there had been some kind of miscommunication when my dh talked to her dh).

then she advised me to take up cross-stitch or sewing to "take my mind off it".

Then she sends me an email 2 weeks later and starts off with "I hope you're not feeling sad all the time now"

and last but not least, she emailed the rest of my family and said I wasn't grieving properly because I didn't find the idea that she spouted, that "at least your baby didn't feel any pain", a comfort. According to her, many women find this comforting. Okaaaaay.


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## sweetpetunia (Jun 7, 2006)

Wow, there really are so many clueless people out there, huh? I know don't hang around her anymore, but I just thought I'd add my experiences.

After my 1st miscarriage, I got the 'you can always try again' response from my SIL. That really stinks because I like her.

That side of the family never mentions Peter. He was stillborn @ 41 weeks last summer.... Ooops, let me rephrase, no one but my MIL mentions my loss, and then she doesn't talk about Peter by name. She just opens wide and shoves her big 'ol foot in her mouth. Even while we were still in the hospital she couldn't resist... We'd been holding Peter for several hours. MIL told me I'd better have them take him away because his color was starting to look bad.







I wish I'd had the sense to smack her, or at the very least, to tell her if she didn't like his color, then she knew where the door was. And of course everything has to be about her. She made sure to tell me that Peter died on the anniversary of her mother's death. I understand she was grieving, but couldn't she let me grieve my son's death without making it about her? Her mother had lived a long life. She was in her 90's. My sister miscarried on the same day Peter died, but she was gentle enough and had enough sense to tell me later.

Just a couple of months ago, MIL called DH, after her nightly ritual of getting drunk on vodka and white wine with dinner and told him that my girls told her that while he's at work during the day, I go into my room and scream and that they think I'm crazy. When DH asked them if it was true, they had no idea what he was talking about. So obviously she lied, but even if it were true, what would be wrong with that? My baby died!

Even before Peter died, MIL was trying to make it all about her. When I was pregnant with my DS, (I'd already had 2 miscarriages) she got drunk and started to babble about how hard she fought to 'hang on to' my DH, implying that she'd almost lost him during pregnancy. This never happend. She just had to insist she'd had problems during pregnancy too, just because I had.







:

Oh and I almost forgot this one. The first time I miscarried it was a long, drawn out process. There were lots of blood draws, an ultrasound, etc.. After the first blood draw, I was told by a nurse that everything was fine. When things started to look bad, MIL starts to argue with me, "But you told us everything was fine!"

I physically miscarried just a few days before Christmas. We were at her house and I was in pain and wanted to go back to my mom's so I could rest. MIL says, "Why didn't you just get a D&C??!!" and proceeded to tell me that after the very difficult birth of her first child, who was huge and a month 'late', she had so many problems and bled for months afterward that finally she insisted her Dr do something about it. He performed a D&C and she felt _so_ much better. What she just didn't get was that my Dr wasn't completely sure I was miscarrying till it actually happened and he didn't want to do a D&C just in case my dates were off and also to avoid any potential damage to my cervix. I completely agreed with his suggestions. I wanted to miscarry naturally too just to be sure my baby really had no chance to make it. That's very different from what her situation was.

Oh, and one from my side of the family- a few weeks after Peter's death, one of my aunts, who I love very much asked my mom, "Julie's not going to have any more babies with _that midwife_ again, is she?" Aaaaargh!!! My midwife was the only one trying to get Peter help!!! Yes, Peter may have died anyway, ( His cord prolapsed and 2 of the local hospitals tried to push us off elsewhere, an ambulance was called, my midwife wasn't allowed to come with us and the paramedic did nothing but joke around when my water broke. Peter was dead by the time we got to the hospital.) but it was the nurses and paramedics that made sure he had *no chance* of survival. Why would I suddenly trust them more than my midwife? Ugh! It makes me want to strangle someone!









Oh, and of course, the comments from the Dr and nurses... "It's so sad, you were just too far away from the hospital." Yeah, well, if your idiot friend Heather (the nurse we'd called for help) had not told us they were in the middle of a cesarean and 'It would be an hour." we probably would have made it on time instead of wasting time trying to find a hospital that was competent enough to deal with our emergency situation! Isn't that what hospitals are for?? _Actual emergencies?_

<Sigh>

Can you tell I'm having an angry day?









More hugs all around Mamas, I'm so sorry we've all had to deal with such clueless people that don't bother to think before they speak.









Julie


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## Moonprysm (Jun 2, 2006)

I've been lurking on this thread for awhile and just remembered something that was said to me...

When I got pg for the first time with DH, we didn't tell anyone but his mother because of my history of miscarriage. That way, when I lost the baby, we didn't have a bunch of people to tell.

When I got pg with DS, we went to tell DH's grandmother. She looks at me and says "for real this time?"

Yes, because the child I lost months ago that you weren't even supposed to know about wasn't REAL.







:


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## unityco (Jan 17, 2007)

I've been thinking the phrase "lost the baby" isn't nice. It implies the mother was careless. Although the phrase rubs me the wrong way, I can't think of a better "gentle" way of saying miscarried.


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## silly_scout (Aug 31, 2006)

The worst thing anyone said about me losing my baby at 20 weeks:
At least you know you can get pregnant (it was my first pregnancy)
The nicest thing anyone said:
When I was in the hospital, the specialist doctor who had just informed me that the baby had no chance of survival held my face in his hands, looked me squarely in the eyes and said "It's a random universe; but I think it's also a benevolent one."
That always stuck with me.


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## Andy_ryansmom (Jun 1, 2007)

I'm new and have found a lot of support from the posts here. So thank-you to everyone for sharing.

I "lost" my son Kaelan May 5th at 27 weeks.

When I told my dad that the baby had died he said "well it's not the end of the world, you're young & you can have another"

Withstanding the horrible reference that children are interchangeable I'm no longer considered "young" in childbearing years (I'm 34) so the second part is just another smack in the face.

Also...this one tops my list.....

I was being induced as Kaelan died in utero. Doctor inserted hormones to kick-start and sent me home to wait, however I was supposed to check in every 4hours to let them know how I was doing. I called the nurse after 4 hours of very painful contractions that were occuring every 2 minutes and the nurse said (and I quote)

"Please wait for another 2 hours - we don't have room and I'm just looking out for you. If you come in now I will have to put you in a stretcher in the hallway - we can put you there because we don't have to monitor your baby."

If you don't have room to deliver my baby I would suggest that you don't induce me!!

Sigh - I expected more from health care workers.


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## loislaneisamama (Mar 16, 2007)

I just lost my twins last week at 11 weeks. I've had most of these things said to me in the last week and often even thought them myself. People are uncomfortable with death (for the most part) and really don't know what to say. I understand alot of these things can be hurtful to you, but people (IMO) are just trying to comfort you. Yes, there are better things that can be said.


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