# Tired of hearing "it was for the best"!!!



## TiffanyRN (Apr 27, 2006)

its kind of refreshing (lack of a better word)







to see that other ppl have miscarried. By reading everyone elses stories has helped me cope and feel better. I dont feel so alone now. i have learned alot by reading everyones responses on other topics.
I just had my first miscarriage april 15th after a few days of spotting which i read up on and stated that this wasnt "abnormal" this wouldve been my first child







and i cant help but feeling so angry







when ppl say oh well it was for the best!!!!








how the HELL do u know???








What IS the BEST???























i know its better than having a deformed child and having a stillborn child, but this comment doesnt make it FEEL LIKE ITS FOR THE BEST!!


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## Jane's4 (Oct 18, 2005)

I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, this kind of comment seems to be what everyone says when they don't know what to say. When I had my m/c I heard the same thing, so many times. I knew it wasn't badly intended--people just wanted to say something to make me feel better. What people don't realize is that there isn't anything they can say to make it better. Only time can help with that.

Check out the stickys at the top of the forum, they are wonderful. Take care of yourself and let yourself grieve.


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## firstkid4me (Nov 11, 2005)

I am so sorry that these insensitive people are saying these things, I think I would look at them point blank and say, "Why would you say something like that?" It's really not something people can understand until they go through (or almost go through, in my case) something like this for themselves. You lost a child, it's not for the best. I read on another board something so sweet, it was that the soul of her baby left her body because it knew the body it was in wasn't strong enough, and would return when there was a body strong enough. Your baby is coming.


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

*


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

I actually cut off friendships with people I had known for *years* after getting comments like this after my m/cs. The guy I was best friends with in college actually told me that "God must be trying to teach you a lesson". I was floored by the insensitivity.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

hugs tiffany.

i have been very clear with people who have responded to me like that (just a few) that i do not care for thier responses nor do i think they express any caring or sensitivity.

i think it's a good idea to say something when people are offensive like that. it helps the next time they open their mouths without thinking about what they are saying. one response is "best for who? do you know why i lost my baby? i guess you don't know most pregnancies are lost for unknown reasons. if your child died at 1 year old would it be "for the best" since something bad might have happened in the future? what a horrible thing to say to someone who just lost her baby." and then i would walk away.

no-one knows, unless you have fetal testing, why a woman loses a pregnancy or even a full term baby for that matter. i have some spiritual ideas, but it would be inappropriate for me to offer them to anyone, just as it's rude and offensive for people to tell you it was "for the best."

i'm sorry people have been so horrible to you. maybe if you have anyone else you need to tell, that you say "i need to tell you something, but i don't want you to tell me if was for the best or really anything for that matter other then you are sorry."


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## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

Hi Tiffany,

I am so sorry for your lost. I really think there should be some kind of public awareness campaign on how to offer emotional support to someone who has suffered any kind of personal tragedy. I've learned after going through both the loss of an adult brother and now two pregnancies that all someone really has to say is "I'm sorry" and affirm the tragedy, sadness etc. There is no need to offer personal "wisdom" or "creative theories" on why things happen or why it's actually good etc. It's really quite simple and people don't get it.

I read the book "Preventing Miscarriage" and I've learned that there are many causes of miscarriage and it's not just situations where you are "better off" otherwise.

I hope you find the support you need.

Mary


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## valmc (Apr 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiffanyRN*
its kind of refreshing (lack of a better word)







to see that other ppl have miscarried. By reading everyone elses stories has helped me cope and feel better. I dont feel so alone now. i have learned alot by reading everyones responses on other topics.
I just had my first miscarriage april 15th after a few days of spotting which i read up on and stated that this wasnt "abnormal" this wouldve been my first child







and i cant help but feeling so angry







when ppl say oh well it was for the best!!!!








how the HELL do u know???








What IS the BEST???























i know its better than having a deformed child and having a stillborn child, but this comment doesnt make it FEEL LIKE ITS FOR THE BEST!!
















OH MY FREAKIN GOSH, I AM WITH YOU! I hate it when they say it was meant to be or it wasn't the right time. Yada Yada Yada. Bull crap. It was my right time and it wasn't meant to be. I want this so bad and the feeling of not knowing if I miscarried is killing me but I hate even more when people say not to stress. WHAT? Have you been through it? NO they haven't so how can they say not to stress, come on that doesn't work! Wow that felt good!


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## isaiahsmommy05 (Jul 1, 2005)

i'm really sorry for your loss and i'll never understand why people think that the loss of a child is for the best for anyone.


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## maigheach (Aug 31, 2005)

I miscarried my first in November 1987 at 8 weeks. Nobody showed me anything, they told me, "Oh, it was just a blob". To me, "it" was a baby. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, "it" was a baby. And mostly what people said was, "It was for the best". Huh.... I suppose if I'd had that one, I wouldn't have had my oldest, who was born in November 1988. But still.... after all this time, it still hurts.


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Now don't all







me at once! I too agree that it is a really stupid thing to say to someone who's just lost a baby. That being said, however, I have to add that the people who have said that to me have been good-hearted, well-meaning people. I tried to just understand that they didn't know any better, but appreciate that they were trying to comfort me. And often people subscribe to the idea that everything happens for the best, and that we don't always see that until later. I believe that while not everything happens for the best, we can find the positive in all experiences, good and bad, although it often takes time. I've lost 4 babies to miscarriage, and although I wish they had been born, I can see how the experience has turned me into a stronger, wiser woman. I am able to be compassionate and understanding in a way I never could have before. I am able to be a better friend to other women, and I am way less judgmental of people. The pain and sadness of grief has changed me, and I believe that change has been good. Of course I didn't see it at the time; I just wanted my babies back! So I reiterate that people should not say things like that, and threads like this are good bc they may educate others who've never experienced loss and might read this and learn what not to say. But let's not be too hard on those people who are just trying to find something helpful to say. They are simply misguided, and uneducated in this area.








to all you ladies who have lost your babies. It is so hard, I know.

Liz


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Said to us by some real crummy folks:

You can always have another one.

He might have been retarded or something.

It was God's will.

Maybe you weren't ready.








: People can be dumb and cruel.


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## rishmommy (Jan 12, 2006)

I know people are trying to be helpful sometimes; but what happened to that old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?" Can't people just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish there was a way to take away your pain."

I am sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how many children you have or want; a loss is ALWAYS painful, no matter what the age or cause. You have still lost your baby and that hurts. I am sorry for your hurting. I hope you will feel peace soon.


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## monocyte (Jun 17, 2004)

"At least you know you can get pregnant."

Personally, I would rather not get pregnant than suffer the pain I am feeling now of having a child grow inside me and then suddenly stop growing.







Tomorrow I could feel differently, but right now, it seemed like such an insensitive thing to say. I have a child, I know I did get pregnant, thanks for filling me in.

Sorry, I think I am having an angry day.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Hi Tiffany. I know what you mean. I just lost my daughter on the 11th (full term stillborn loss) and a nurse actually told me "Well you can have another one." I hate comments like that. I requested ANOTHER nurse to care for me that evening. Sometimes people really don't mean any harm. They don't know any better and they have no earthly idea what you're feeling. They don't understand. Kids/babies are individuals. Niether can replace the other. A new baby will not bring back my Alexis whether I decide to have another baby or not. So I know how you feel...I've also heard "Well you have to beautiful kids!" While beautiful and I love them, they also cannot replace my daughter. I've heard "it was for the best" as you did also. Sometimes comments like that hurt, but like I said, most of the time, ppl mean no harm. They just don't know what to say. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss as well but we can make it through!


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## mercyrus (May 16, 2006)

You know, before pregnancy - I was going through this thing where I was wondering if I needed to explore and persue a "personal relationship" with God. I thought about it and then when I became pregnant I thought about whether or not my daughter should be baptised and then came to the conclusion that she needed to find her own way.
Everything changed for me on April 18th...I guess my searching for a personal relationship with God is done, for now anyway.
I had so many people who would tell me that..."She's with God now...and she's an angel watching over us." Ya know what, I'd rather have her here in her bassinet with my husband and I waking us up at all hours of the night. Others have given us the "what if...?" speech...what if she had been this...what if she had died later...it's better this way. And I have to think to myself that those people have never held their dead babies in their arms. To look at their child and think, she looks like she's sleeping, she's so pink and then touch her and she's ice cold.
My husband and I have tried to make sense of it...the whole issue of God making us more humble? It's complete BS...as if anyone deserves to learn this lesson.
Sorry for the rant...I'm angry , I'm hurting and I completely understand what you're saying.


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## jenn1971 (Jun 8, 2006)

Im sorry for your loss, I miscarried in March of this year at 19weeks, very very difficult! I know alot of people say either it wasn't meant to be or it was for the best







: those are the last things they should be saying to someone who has just gone through a m/c

Jenn


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)




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