# Third Goodbye Last Night



## DoulaClara (Jan 3, 2006)

I lost one baby in 2000, at about 6 weeks. I miscarried by myself, in my college dorm suite.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on July 18, 2007.

I lost my third pregnancy, my second goodbye, on February 9, 2009 (this past February). I was around 12 weeks and 3 days when I passed my baby, who was about 7-8 weeks developed.

Last Friday, my midwife came for our first initial appointment. On May 21, at about 6 weeks and 5 days, I had an ultrasound that showed a healthy heartbeat, a healthy location in my uterus, a healthy yolk sac. On Friday, though, she searched for a heartbeat for more than half an hour, to no avail. I had been spotting for a couple of days prior. This past Monday, when I would have been 12 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed a very small baby, clearly defined, at about 9 weeks gestation. With no heartbeat. A perfect, perfect baby, that even had little chubby cheeks.

Last night, the miscarriage started. Unlike the last two times, though, it rapidly became a serious emergency, and we went to the ER. When I was stabilized, a D&C was performed.

I've now reached the dubious distinction, obstetrically-speaking, of having had three miscarriages. The last two were within months of each other. The first, I strongly suspect had more to do with the Lo-Overal 29 that I was taking.

Not sure why I'm sharing. I feel empty. I really thought this baby was going to be in my arms in January. Then I thought that I would be having my super tiny baby at home, where I could bury him or her with his or her sister or brother, in our memorial garden in our yard. I feel like this is a grief beyond tears. I don't even recognize myself today- all of the fluids they had to pump into me in the hospital to keep up with my rapid and enormous blood loss have migrated to my face, and it's so swollen that I look like a pig. I feel like if one more awkwardly kindly intended person tells me to count my blessings, or that this is God/ nature's way of taking care of something, I will start screaming and never stop.

I believe strongly that all of my babies- the ones that did not survive and the precious little girl that did- are blessings. I have no idea why three were created just to die, and I may never know, but I do know that they all did serve a purpose, and all have blessed me. Oh God, I just want my baby.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Big hugs. I'm so sorry for all three of your loses. People suck and I'm sorry they keep saying things that are really no help.

Take gentle care of yourself and we're here for you.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry







Take care of yourself


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## RaelynsMama (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DoulaClara* 
I believe strongly that all of my babies- the ones that did not survive and the precious little girl that did- are blessings. I have no idea why three were created just to die, and I may never know, but I do know that they all did serve a purpose, and all have blessed me. Oh God, I just want my baby.

I am so sorry for your losses, you and your babies, both here and beyond, are in my heart tonight. I recently suffered a loss and I feel your pain. This quote touched me because I feel I could've said it myself. It captures the grief of a loss but the attemp to try to find SOME positive that could possibly come out of it. I'm new here, but if you need to talk, I would be more than happy to listen. I wish you love, light, peace, strength and comfort.


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)




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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh, i know. i know you want your baby. i'm so sorry, mama, just so sorry.

stick around here and let yourself be loved by the wonderful women here. no one will tell you to count your blessings.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)




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## gumby74 (Jan 2, 2005)

I'm so sorry....I wanted to let you know that when I had my first miscarriage it happened naturally, but the second was later on in development and so the decision was made to do a D&C. My reaction to both miscarriages was completely different. The first happened naturally and slowly. I firmly believe that the D&C was harder on my body emotionally. It was as if my body went from being pregnant one second to not the other second and the rush of hormones knocked me on my feet. I felt a low I have never felt before. Maybe it was because it was my second or that it was Christmas or that I was further along....or a combination of everything. In any case there was a clear difference and I hear what you are saying. Take care of yourself.....


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's so hard to understand why life throws this at us, let alone more than one loss. Shouldn't we get a 'free pass' once we've had one loss so we have no more pain. All of the little ones have blessed you and the purpose may never be known, but maybe they have all been given to you to make you a stronger person for something later on. Or simply to give you a lot of angel babies waiting for you some day. They will be there and I do like to think Isabel is up in heaven, or whatever is waiting for us, she's up there with family and being loved until I join her.

You're a super strong person and with the right support anything's possible. Look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to keep some part of your sanity over the next few weeks.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Yes...you want your baby..of course you do! Me too.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)




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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)




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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry for each of your losses.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DoulaClara* 
I just want my baby.

Me, too.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm desperately sorry for your loss. I really wanted this for you. I couldn't quite believe it when I read your post about the miscarriage starting. It is really really really unfair & I just don't get it.







I am so sorry.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

mama. I am so sorry for your losses


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry for each of your losses. Of course each of your babies were precious to you and were blessings. I'm so sorry.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

I am so so so sorry for each of your losses. All of our babies are precious...whether they are with us or not.







:

It is NOT fair. Not not not fair.














: There isn't even an icon that adequately represents the injustice of multiple losses.


















Claire


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## Nillarilla (Nov 20, 2007)




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