# Leaving an infant alone in an apartment?



## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

My MIL has told me a few times that when my DH was a baby/toddler (he's the firstborn) she would have to leave for work during his nap so she'd leave him asleep in his crib, lock the door to the apartment, and the lady in the apartment next door would turn on a baby monitor. When he woke up and cried, neighbor lady would go fetch him and bring him back to her apartment until MIL and FIL were home from work.

Does that sound totally scary to anyone else? She says it like it was 100% normal, totally fine, not a problem in the least. The thought of this scenario makes me so nervous though, and it happened 20+ years ago!

Would this be illegal in this day and age? What about in the mid-late 80s when this occurred?


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## neetling (Jan 24, 2006)

It seems wrong to me and I would have put the baby down for a nap at the sitter's.

But it also doesn't seem so much worse than working in the yard or being on a different floor from your sleeping child either.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

Considering neighbor had a baby monitor, to me its just like having a big house and being inthe basement while your lo is alseep. It just sounds worse because babe was technically alone in the actual apartment. Plus it was probably nice for you dh to go to sleep in his own bed with his mom.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I don't think I would really be ok with that. One wouldn't be aware of issues that might not make a baby cry.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

I don't see how thats much different from being outside while my boys sleep, or downstairs or anything with a baby monitor. So... yeah, I'd be OK with that.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

My gut reaction didnt have any bells going off, and I am the biggest worry wort on the planet! I am one of those idiots who wont leave my kids in a locked, cool, car to go in the station and pay for gas with cash or buy a gallon of milk. Like PPs said, with the monitor in hand, it just seems like being outside while the baby was inside sleeping.

Hell, I just did this with DS1 yesterday during his nap. He went down, but DS2 had already had a nap and it was to beautiful out to sit inside for 2.5 hours. So I just kept popping my head in the sliding glass door to make sure he hadnt woke yet. We were prolly 20 feet from him.

My only question is did MIL lock the front door to the apartment and the neighbor lady had a key? If Not, and she just left the door unlocked, then YES, that would be a problem for me.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

I'd be okay with that. It doesn't sound any different than leaving a baby sleep inside while mom is out working in the yard or in a different part of the house.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

The fact that she needed to lock the apartment makes it unsafe to me.

If she felt safe enough leaving her apartment unlocked and the neighbor lady peeked in on the baby about every half hour then it'd be fine.

When we leave a baby to go do laundry in the basement or outside for yardwork or what have you, we come back in from time to time to check on things.

Personally, in that situation, I'd feel more safe rolling the crib to the neighbor's place.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

On the surface, it sounds bad to me-baby alone in an apartment. But when you think about it, I have put my little one down for a nap in the house upstairs, and then taken the moniter out into the yard to work in the garden. And I am not sure that's all that different.

Now, when you say apartment next door, I am thinking apartment building where the units are actually right next do each other with adjoining walls, making the neighbor's apartment just as close as the next room really. If what you really mean by next door is like next building over in the complex, that's too far for me.

Today though, even with neighbor being right next door and having a monitor, I can absolutely see this resulting in a DFS investigation at some point.


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## Mommy2Austin (Oct 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
The fact that she needed to lock the apartment makes it unsafe to me.

If she felt safe enough leaving her apartment unlocked and the neighbor lady peeked in on the baby about every half hour then it'd be fine.

It doesn't matter how "safe" where I live is. I'm locking my door regardless of the potential for someone breaking in or not.

Since the door was locked and the neighbor had a monitor, I think it was just fine. No different than being downstairs or upstairs or in the basement or outside.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

We did things like that all the time when I was a kid. It was totally normal back then.

Parents would leave the kids sleeping at home while they did a quick grocery shopping or took the older kids to school, or took dad to work. I remember having a friend who's sons were little when we were in high school. She refused to even leave them alone in the house while she went out front to water the lawn. We all thought she was crazy.

We wouldn't do it now, but at that time, it wasn't uncommon.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

I don't love the idea, but it doesn't sound too terrible. As long as someone was paying attention to him.

My mom used to leave the babies asleep in their cribs while she walked to the store for milk and stuff. Now the thought of that makes me panic a little.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

20 yrs ago? Doesn't even raise my eyebrows. My stepmother told me she used to give her son whatever anti-colic thing was popular then--perga-something?--because it would make him sleep, and then she'd go down to her complex's pool, leaving him 100% alone in the crib. She said she needed a break.























Honestly, I think the hands-on/AP/helicopter parenting we see now is a direct result of the horribly lax parenting of the 70's-80's.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:

Honestly, I think the hands-on/AP/helicopter parenting we see now is a direct result of the horribly lax parenting of the 70's-80's.
I believe it. I know that sometimes I go overboard with giving my kids time/attention/things they don't really need cause I'm trying to prevent them from feeling like I did as a kid (neglected).


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I live in an apartment complex and my neighbor has left me with a baby monitor while her kid sleeps and she needs to do something. The distance from her baby's room to my living room is the same as the distance between the kitchen and master bedroom in my parent's house. I wouldn't do it myself, but I'm too paranoid to let my kid sleep in a crib. No kidding, I'm afraid to let her sleep on a separate surface from me and dh.


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Honestly, I think the hands-on/AP/helicopter parenting we see now is a direct result of the horribly lax parenting of the 70's-80's.[/QUOTE]

I think it may be due to 24 hour news channels. People were way more laid back in the 50's and earlier.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

Considering neighbor had a baby monitor, to me its just like having a big house and being inthe basement while your lo is alseep. It just sounds worse because babe was technically alone in the actual apartment. Plus it was probably nice for you dh to go to sleep in his own bed with his mom.
I would choose an alternative (because I am paranoid). But I agree with this.

My children sleep in a room in our house that is farther from me than a next-door apartment would be. On another floor.

Because apartments have shared hallways, the locked door makes sense and doesn't mean it's any more dangerous. I lock my doors too, not because we're in a dangerous area, but because I don't want the possibility of random strangers walking in (especially the neighbor kids, who are prone to wandering.)


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
*The fact that she needed to lock the apartment makes it unsafe to me.*

If she felt safe enough leaving her apartment unlocked and the neighbor lady peeked in on the baby about every half hour then it'd be fine.

When we leave a baby to go do laundry in the basement or outside for yardwork or what have you, we come back in from time to time to check on things.

Personally, in that situation, I'd feel more safe rolling the crib to the neighbor's place.


I dont see how this is relevant. I never used to lock my doors. We are one block over from the police station and the neighborhood is filled with a few SAHMs and a lot of elderly who love to sit in their bay windows watching the world go by. One morning I awoke to a strange man sleeping in my basement on the couch. Judging by looks and cleanliness he wasn't homeless. He was dressed in dress pant, shirt, and tie. Dh and I didn't know who was or why he was there. Before waking him, we checked out the house, purse in plain sight was still there, back sliding door that we did always lock was open, all electronics and jewelry were there. Turns out our neighbors had friends from out of town for a wedding. We live in a mirror-image duplex, and the dude was too wasted to know which house was which. He was completely innocent, and embarrassed beyond belief but I will never again leave my doors unlocked.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

good question. i wouldn't do it, but then i'm probably a bit paranoid.
i've heard of moms leaving their babies in the crib sleeping while they went out for a jog around the neighborhood or taking their older kids to the park down the block leaving their baby at home in a crib, so the apartment scenario with a monitor actually sounds pretty safe in comparison.

my mil used to send my husband down to the lake fishing for the day when he was 5 (and drownings were fairly "common" where they lived). by himself. not in view of the house. and would tell him to come home for supper. i don't know, people were a lot more lax back then i think.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
Honestly, I think the hands-on/AP/helicopter parenting we see now is a direct result of the horribly lax parenting of the 70's-80's.

I think it may be due to 24 hour news channels. People were way more laid back in the 50's and earlier.[/QUOTE]

There's another thread going on this but I think it's a perception that it's due to news scare tactics and that may well be part of it, but I can assure you that most of my more "helicopter moments" come from the way we were left on our own as kids and not an irrational fear of stranger danger or whatever.









OP...speaking of which, it's probably not entirely rational since I too gardened outside with a baby monitor when my son was little but I don't think I'd be super comfortable with that.

But yes for sure - my mother used to walk me halfway to JK (7 blocks total) or go to the corner store while my sister was back in the house sleeping. (mid-70s) Many parents would also set up a playpen in a shady spot and stick an older infant/younger toddler in there for a couple of hours outside while doing chores inside so that the child would get fresh air.

I don't think people wondered or cared if it was illegal. It was really common at that time.

So if you're feeling all mama-bear horrified at the practice, just remember that one way or another we're all products of our time and culture. It doesn't mean you have to do the same!


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

This sounds like the stories of farm families in earlier generations who would leave infants/young children untended while the crops needed to be planted or harvested etc.

Different times, different cultures, different standards.

I'm curious why you're concerned about something that happened so long ago? Is your MIL making suggestions about how closely you supervise your own children and using her own experiences as a comparison?


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
The fact that she needed to lock the apartment makes it unsafe to me.

This. My first concern would be the neighbor losing the key.


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## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

OP here! Thank you for all of the insight into this. I totally see the logic in the fact that the apartments shared a wall and therefore were not much different than a large house.

The idea doesn't make me cringe because of kidnapping or a break-in though. The thing I would have worried about would be fires or baby being injured and the monitor not working so that no one heard the cries. I am a wee bit paranoid about fires (not sure why, never been in one) and the thought of not being able to grab kiddo and head out the nearest door or window is really rattling to me. What if the neighbor didn't know that the apartment was on fire until her walls were burning too? Ack!

And someone asked the valid question of why this bothers me when it happened 20 years ago. That is because I just completely overthink and worry about everything, especially when I'm pregnant and extra hormonal!


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## Mommy2Austin (Oct 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
OP here! Thank you for all of the insight into this. I totally see the logic in the fact that the apartments shared a wall and therefore were not much different than a large house.

The idea doesn't make me cringe because of kidnapping or a break-in though. The thing I would have worried about would be fires or baby being injured and the monitor not working so that no one heard the cries. I am a wee bit paranoid about fires (not sure why, never been in one) and the thought of not being able to grab kiddo and head out the nearest door or window is really rattling to me. What if the neighbor didn't know that the apartment was on fire until her walls were burning too? Ack!

I've been there with the crazy pregnancy hormones 

I still don't see it being different than being in another part of the house. That part of the house could catch on fire and I might not know it until its too late.


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## flitters (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
Honestly, I think the hands-on/AP/helicopter parenting we see now is a direct result of the horribly lax parenting of the 70's-80's.

Sorry to derail a bit... I see how you can group hands-on and AP together, but lumping helicopter parenting into that category seems way off to me. In fact, I might have agreed with you if you had just said "helicopter" above.

The parenting choices of *most* of the other APish parents I know are the result of research, natural mindedness, and instinct... certainly not the result of their own lax parenting. (As an example, my mom raised me in a manner quite in line with AP, and without helicoptering. Even as a child I recognized that my friends were parented differently, and that many aspects of those differences did not seem better at all... it's no surprise to me that many years later I would identify as an AP parent and most of them would not).

As for the original post, it's not something I would do, but it doesn't freak me out as negligent either.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Like others said, I see no difference between this and leaving the baby at one end of a large house, or inside with a baby monitor while you're outside gardening, watching older kids, etc...


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I'm in an apartment building, and I think the setup makes all the difference. Our building is all brick. There are 2 fire stairwells, but you can't go out a window, it's literally a skyscraper. No fire escapes, no exitable windows as such. The building therefore has to be fireproof and have sprinklers, and such. Its made of poured concrete and brick. There was actually a kitchen fire on the first floor a couple years ago, and while it damaged the second floor balcony directly above, it did nothing whatsoever to any of the adjoining restaurants nor floors above. So I don't think I would worry about a neighbor watching a child in case of a fire in such a building.

I probably wouldn't lock the door so the neighbor could get to the baby easier, but on the other hand, we have doormen downstairs and most neighbors leave doors open to the hallway anyway. More friendly. (I don't, but that's because the dog has tried to go visiting other apartments before, and gone for a surprise--to her--elevator ride). I know people in giant houses where they leave their babies 3 floors away and then leave the baby monitor where they can't hear it easily either... unless the baby is really young or is old enough to climb out of the crib, I think checking periodically and a monitor seems okay.

I do go down the hall to do laundry or recycling while my kids are asleep or just watching TV, but they're a bit older. The only stairs and elevator to the exit is by the recycle/laundry so no one's coming in or kids coming out without me knowing it; I feel pretty safe in our building. I can also hear them in our apartment if I leave the door open, and vice versa.

So I don't know, picturing where we live now, I wouldn't do what your MIL did, but I wouldn't think it a horrible thing to do either.


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## Pavlovs (Dec 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
One morning I awoke to a strange man sleeping in my basement on the couch. Judging by looks and cleanliness he wasn't homeless. He was dressed in dress pant, shirt, and tie. Dh and I didn't know who was or why he was there. Before waking him, we checked out the house, purse in plain sight was still there, back sliding door that we did always lock was open, all electronics and jewelry were there. Turns out our neighbors had friends from out of town for a wedding. We live in a mirror-image duplex, and the dude was too wasted to know which house was which. He was completely innocent, and embarrassed beyond belief but I will never again leave my doors unlocked.

That's hilarious! (although I'm sure at the time it was a bit scary for you - but wow, what a story!) That guy must have wanted to crawl under a rock. That reminds me of a time when my friend got into "her" car after work, noticed things didn't look quite the same as when she left it. When the actual owner came to get into the car and saw my friend there poking around looking for her "lost" stuff, it was just then that my friend realized the embarrassing coincidence that her key opened up this identical car, and her car was about 4 spaces down.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

The scenario in the OP makes me feel a little panicky because of the locked door. What if the neighbor lost the key? What if the mom left the key on the table, and didn't realize until too late? What if something happened to the neighbor and no one else knew where the key was? So many what if's going on in my head!
I will admit, though, that I'm paranoid about kids being locked in cars and homes.
If the door wasn't locked, I probably wouldn't think that much of it.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annethcz* 
I'd be okay with that. It doesn't sound any different than leaving a baby sleep inside while mom is out working in the yard or in a different part of the house.

See but I would NEVER do that!! I'm not judging anyone who does but i could never even be on another floor while ds slept as an infant. 99% of the time he slept ON me anyway







I don't trust baby monitors either!


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Knowing that she'd be leaving when her baby was napping, and the neighbor would be babysitting anyway, why didn't she just put him down to sleep in the neighbor's apartment to start with? To me, that would have been the logical thing to do... and the safest.

No, I'd never leave a small child or baby alone in an apartment with a locked door.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

When I was little...my parents used to let me sit in the "special seat" (the arm rest between the front seats) and my mom used to use her arm as a "seatbelt"







. Or I'd ride in the "way back" of the station wagon. I was TOTALLY happy (blanket, toys, and the dog rode back there with me) but I would have been a projectile if we'd ever had an accident.

(and the ped started me on OJ at 3 months...yikes)

I think it's a case of "when you know better, you do better." My mom is horrified and defensive when I bring this stuff up, but it WAS the norm (70s, not 80s) I wouldn't leave my kids alone as babies...my own sense of responsibilities (plus legal) liability. Leaving your baby alone in an apartment is inviting social services to visit. Obviously, walking down the hall, etc to do laundry is a judgement call, but leaving for work for the day? I wouldn't go there.


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## LilacMama (Aug 18, 2008)

I would assume they would have tested the monitor to ensure that it was working well. In my apartment complex, we have very good fire alarms (they work a little too well, if you know what I mean), and not so good insulation (you can hear people walking around the apartments next to yours). The neighbors really CAN tell what's going on -- add a baby monitor and they might as well be in the next room.

I would have literally no problem with that scenario at all. All of the "what ifs" are very, very far fetched and the baby was well-cared for.


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## ancoda (Oct 17, 2005)

I really do not see it as a really bad thing. I do think it would be frowned on a lot more now then then, but really like others have said to me it is no worse then having a sleeping baby at the other end of your house.
I knew a two ladies about 12 or so years ago would almost every day put their babies down for a nap. Both kids were around 1 at this time and then take turns going next door to each others houses to visit with each other taking a baby monitor with them. To me this is worse then what your MIL did.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

It sounds reasonable to me.


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