# How do I stop spanking?



## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

My DS is 21 months old and he does not like to listen at all but what toddler does? If I tell him to do/or not to do something, he hits me. I have tried not spanking him because everyone knows that toddler repeat what they see you do but it doesn't work. Spanking him gets his attention for 2.5 seconds and then he's doing what he's not supposed to again.

How do I gently discipline my son and get him to listen? Thanks.

Chelci


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

so you are spanking him to get 2.5 seconds of attention? spanking does not work. period. the way to stop is to stop hitting him. take control of YOU before you expect a toddler (not even 2 years old) to control his own behavior.

there are lots of resources in the stickies here but first you have to stop hitting your son.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I agree with PassionateWriter. I hope you don't think it sounds harsh or judgmental, as I know that is what a lot of people fear when asking these type of questions. For ideas on how else to discipline him, just browse the boards, I'm sure you will find something that works for you. But to stop hitting him, you have to take responsibility for your actions and feelings, and remind yourself that you are an adult, and that you are capable of controlling your actions. It seems a lot of parents who spank feel that they have no other option. Think about what spanking teaches your child vs. what you want him to learn. Instead of focusing on stopping the behavior, think of why the behavior is taking place, and try to remedy the situation from that angle. Think "What is he feeling that is making him do this? What do I need from others when I am feeling that way?" It's not about finding an alternate form of discipline, but rather altering your own understanding of the situation and your child's feelings.

Hope that helps!


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

1. You have to give yourself room to admit that you have made a mistake in the past. Forgive yourself, and then move forward.

2. Just stop, and have a plan for what you will do when the urge comes up to spank. Make a commitment to yourself, right now, that not spanking is way more important to you than getting your child to do something you want him to do.

3. With those two steps in place, you can start to learn about getting cooperation in other ways. But at the beginning -- you may have to do some "detox" and take a few steps back.

I believe you can change your own behavior. Once you have changed your own behavior, your child's behavior will change. The stickies are a great starting place.

Good luck. Forgive yourself for being wrong in the past, so that you can embrace a new future.


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## my_baby_love (Jan 15, 2006)

With our DS (who is almost exactly the same age - I think we were in the same DDC!) we just have to repeat everything. Over and over and over. It seems like he isn't getting it and then all of a sudden it's like it just clicks for him. We usually model the proper behavior, while briefly explaining to him the appropriate behavior. For example, he loves to play outside, but is constantly in the street. When cars come through the neighborhood I tell him, "We need to be very careful around cars and not be in their way. That is why we need to be on the sidewalk. Cars can make bad ouchies." I say all this while I am leading or carrying him back to the sidewalk. I did this so many times this summer and then the other day he saw a car coming down the street and went and sat on the sidewalk. I was completely shocked, but it felt good to see it make sense for him. After he did that, I recognized his behavior with something along the lines of, "Mama saw that you moved out of the way of that car. I really appreciate that. I like that you sat on the sidewalk. Thank you." And followed it up with a hug and a kiss. It takes more time to be calm and choose not to spank, but I believe that in the long run it will pay off with a child who knows what you expect and can act appropriately, instead of acting out of fear of getting spanked. Good luck, and good for you for being willing to change what you are doing.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

"How do I stop spanking"

Just don't do it!

Do you hit your boss? How about your friends? You have the self control not to hit people - just extend that to your child.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

I have not found spanking to be effective; however, I *definitely* still wanted to feel that I was doing something to address my daughter's undesirable behaviors. We have a pak-and-play set up for "time-out" and she goes into it after one warning (or immediately for a repeat offense). We always talk about what she has done a little bit before and more extensively afterwards. For her, <1 minute is effective. It seems to be working on curbing her constant desire to play in the dog's food








This is as close as I can come to a "natural" or "logical" consequence to her actions-- she's being separated from the temptation.


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## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

It's sometimes hard to break habits that we have developed or to stop the cycle of what we have learned. I'm glad that you want to stop spanking...that's the first step towards not doing it anymore.

2.5 is also such a hard age to get attention b/c their attention span really is only 3 seconds sometimes. I think redirecting them and/or finding a different approach to how we talk to them during certain situations can make a difference. (If you have certain situations that seem difficult for you, ask about those so we can give more detailed ways of how we have all dealt with those without spanking.)

We all grew up differently and sometimes the way we grew up affects the way we parent our own children...I have experienced this in the negative aspect with spanking being involved. For me, if I feel like I want to spank or say something out of anger, I do put my children in their room, even if it makes them cry. Sometimes I just need that moment to think about what I can about the situation.

I've even gone as far as to tell my dd that mommy doesn't know what I'm going to do about this right now so you sit in your room for 2 minutes and I'll come back and let you know.

You can also check out this accountability thread and give yourself the opportunity to become a new mama.

We're here to help you with this so browse around because you aren't the first mama here who has spanked and developed the desire to stop.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

First, ask yourself why do you keep spanking if it isn't (by your own admission) working? Are you angry? Frustrated? Maybe you need to give yourself a few seconds to calm down and focus and then react. Remind yourself in your head that spanking doesn't work, and *don't do it*. Really, that's how you stop.

Toddlers can be very frustrating because they don't really have the ability to control their impulses. They need to be re-directed over and over again, but they will grow and learn. Hitting is also normal, while frustrating. I think it helps to remember that a toddler is not trying to anger you on purpose - they are trying to figure things out, and they have limited ways to express themselves.

I think it might be helpful for you to read a little on child development so that you know what is reasonable to expect - expecting a toddler to listen and obey isn't really age appropriate. Then come up with 2 or 3 ideas of things you will do instead of spanking. Redirection, for one. Removing them from the situation, for another. For hitting at that age, we would simply say, "I don't like to be hit," and then put her down so she couldn't hit us anymore. Yes, we had to do it over and over again for a little while. And yes, she did eventually get it and quit. Toddlers need repetition to learn.


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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

I am going spanking free. Weird but it is kinds hard because it becomes a habit and a resort. So, when my son started hitting me I had to first make sure to really calm down. There is no way you can help someone gain self control when you are emotional, especially not a "sponge" of a little one. Then I take his hand and say, show me how we use our hands on mommy" and I've helped him learn he can pat, massage, rub, and touch gently. Let me tell you, I think *I* am getting more discipline than my kids right now- learning to be objective in teaching them how to act is a huge act of self control!

One thing I've been doing is keeping lists of what time of day and what was going on to create more harmonious day flows to reduce situations that cause bad behaviour.. and doing a meditation at the end of the day where I reflect backwards through the day starting from the current moment to when I woke up, watching myself as though I were a bystander- not being judgemental, but objective. I end up having a lot more compassion for myself and my kids.


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## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

Oh yes, and when one of my children hits, I always tell them that hand are for playing and helping.

Repetition equals Retention.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I agree with the pp's.

But I wanted to acknowledge that you have a tiny new baby and a toddler. That is incredibly hard on any mama. So I would accept the fact that right now you have two children who need a lot from you. Your infant has obvious needs and your toddler needs you to watch him, redirect him and repeat over and over what is ok to do and what is not ok. A toddler not listening is perfect normal and common. I would rid that expectation that he listen...it's not going to happen right away. And the more you listen to him and engage with him, the more likely he will reciprocate in the future.

I agree with everyone, the first step is to just stop hitting him. If he doesn't listen or does something infuriating, remind yourself that this is normal and breathe. You don't always have to respond right away. Create situations where you don't have to correct his behavior too much...stay in an enclosed area, go to playparks designed for toddlers, etc.

There is SO much information on this board for you. I would start looking through it when you have time and aren't too exhausted. You are catching this before it becomes a real problem for your family and that is great.

Good luck with it...parenting is really hard.


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

Thank you for all of your advice, even if some of it was hard to read.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma_unlimited* 
Let me tell you, I think *I* am getting more discipline than my kids right now- learning to be objective in teaching them how to act is a huge act of self control!

I'm in the same boat. I tend to yell when I get angry these days and it's really unsettling for my 5yo. There's part of me that feels I'm entitled to let off steam but I know that's my own justification for my much-less-than-ideal response. So I totally get how this is more about my own discipline. I want to model anger but one has to be calm to do it effectively, I think. This is definitely something I struggle with philosophically. But that's for another thread!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma_unlimited* 
One thing I've been doing is keeping lists of what time of day and what was going on to create more harmonious day flows to reduce situations that cause bad behaviour.. and doing a meditation at the end of the day where I reflect backwards through the day starting from the current moment to when I woke up, watching myself as though I were a bystander- not being judgemental, but objective. I end up having a lot more compassion for myself and my kids.

I love this! I'm going to do it, too. And I love the meditation at the end of the day. Is there a reason why you start at the end and work your way back? I'm gonna steal this one from you!


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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

It's called the Ruckshau meditation, developed by philosopher extraordinaire Rudolph Steiner... Dr. Thomas Cowan explains it in his book "The Fourfold Path To Healing" as a means for "strengthening our capacity for thinking objectively" & experienceing "our emotions without becoming a slave to fears, anxieties, passing feelings, and conditioned responses". Who doesn't need that? The first time I tried it I was so blown away with how I could envision myself as if I was standing there, an "innocent bystander" to my own joys and frustrations, and without all the emotion it is so much easier to problem solve how things could have unfolded differently, and yet I saw myself and my kids as very human and normal and well-intentioned, so I have all this compassion well up inside. Then I say my prayers and drift off to sleep with many things feeling resolved and plans for a better tomorrow!


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

I took a child abuse prevention class when I worked in child care. There was a discussion about breaking the habit of spanking, since it's usually not just the parent's habit but also their parents' habit and so on. They recommended wearing a brightly colored bracelet on the hand used to hit so that when the parent raised it they would see the bracelet and remember to try something else. Someone else recommended clapping both hands together when one was raised to hit. Then the parent gets to use the motion of spanking without hitting the child. Both of those methods were meant to be transitional while the parent adjusts to a new way of guiding their child. When you are raised in a home where hitting is ok it is hard to break out of that cycle. (ever heard of the cycle of abuse? same idea)

Kudos to you for being brave enough to admit that your behavior isn't what you want for your child and trying to find ways to change it.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CTH3989* 
Thank you for all of your advice, even if some of it was hard to read.

I hope it didn't leave you feeling worse. You are human and this role of parenting is new to all of us...it unfolds and we learn as it goes along. There's just no way to prepare for all that will arise before you find yourself in this situation.

Are you getting enough sleep? I know when my babies were that little, I barely survived the sleep deprivation that occurred. I wonder if that's a contributor? Can you get help? Are you alone all day with your kiddos? I would try to make sure you are in the company of other adults for at least some part of everyday if you can. Or have an outing so that you can get a change of scene.

Like another pp said, if there is a particular instance that is problematic with your toddler maybe sharing it hear will generate some alternatives to managing it.


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## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MrsAprilMay* 
Someone else recommended clapping both hands together when one was raised to hit. Then the parent gets to use the motion of spanking without hitting the child.

That's, funny...I do this clapping motion. No one ever told me about it, it just sort of happened. I find that it gets their attention too.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

I don't spank but I yell unfortunately. And grab. Not good. I like the advice given here.







: Forever trying to improve, day after day after day. Progress not perfection.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Good catch about OP having a toddler and a baby. That can be very challenging! My children are 22 months apart and it was a major challenge for me to keep my temper with my older daughter.

You can do this!


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## amis2girls (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CTH3989* 
My DS is 21 months old and he does not like to listen at all but what toddler does? If I tell him to do/or not to do something, he hits me.

Reword your request to what he *can* do. This can be really hard in the heat of the moment.

"Don't jump on the couch" becomes "jump in this pile of pillows on the floor" or "let's go outside and jump in the puddles." That's really hard when you want to scream, but it gets easier the more you do it.

My 2.5 yo gets a light in her eyes when I give her the power to go do something.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I wanted to add a second response.

It may be counter intuitive - but what I've found the most helpful in overcoming urges to smack my DD (who is 21 months) is this: What would I do it she _wasn't_ my child.

I've done alot of childcare in my life - from being a fully booked babysitter in highschool (almost always both Friday and Saturday night) to watching my sister's kids on a regular basis, to running a dayhome this summer. And - spanking has NEVER been an option.

So - when I am overwhelmed I ask myself "what would I do if this was a babysitting kid"...

Often the answer is almost always to remove my emotional investment from the situation. She won't let me put her clothes on? (Big thing a month or so back) OK. That doesn't really affect me. It's her body. Does it matter if she sits in the carseat in a diaper? Not really. So I stop being invested in making it happen my way.

The other answer is to 'babyproof' more... We have cats. I very quickly realized that I could either spend many many month fighting with her about leaving their food/water alone - or I could put it our of reach. We have a small home - so there wasn't a good place for the food. So I had to give up a corner of our buffet. Does it suck? Yes. I wish I didn't have to wipe up the food crumbs every day. I wish the cats didn't have permission to be on that piece of furniture. But - it's worth it because then I don't have to worry.

I guess - we would all be horrified if a post read "My child's nanny/daycare provider spanked my kid today!". Because we accept that it is completely inappropriate for someone else to spank our children. Are we really holding them to a higher standard? Or should we just hold ourselves to the same standard?


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.


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## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CTH3989* 
Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.

I hear you on this...it's very frustrating...But it's probaby not going to stop anytime soon either. My dd is 4 and she still does this, not as frequently though.

It was really frustrating when I was still nursing ds as I am a 'sit down and nurse' kind of mama and I would try to get her attention without physically getting up. That definitely didn't work.

What I did find that worked was setting her up with something to do at the table like play-doh or coloring.

I wonder too if your ds is sort of acting up b/c of the baby. Sometimes this doesn't happen until the baby starts crawling, etc. He may need some more reassurance and cuddle time since he was use to being the only one and this is still new for him.


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## Herausgeber (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaterPrimaePuellae* 
I have not found spanking to be effective; however, I *definitely* still wanted to feel that I was doing something to address my daughter's undesirable behaviors. We have a pak-and-play set up for "time-out" and she goes into it after one warning (or immediately for a repeat offense). We always talk about what she has done a little bit before and more extensively afterwards. For her, <1 minute is effective. It seems to be working on curbing her constant desire to play in the dog's food








This is as close as I can come to a "natural" or "logical" consequence to her actions-- she's being separated from the temptation.

My DD likes to play with the dog's food, too. I just take it away from her and give her something else to play with.


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

DS has always been like this. He actually hasn't been acting any differently because of the baby. He is a very good child. He's just very headstrong like me and has a temper, again, like me.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Herausgeber* 
My DD likes to play with the dog's food, too. I just take it away from her and give her something else to play with.

all babies/toddlers love pet foods. i think its our responsibility to keep it out of her way and redirect, like Herausgeber stated. I found putting the pet foods and water on a separate butcher block until kids can understand not to eat it is most effective. I had originally put a curtain around the island and put the food down there but he figured out what was behind the curtain! lol!


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I have two little ones, too. I have never spanked, but do fight the urge a lot. I try to remind myself she is young and still learning how to act appropriately and safely. I treat her the same as I treat adults. I do not yell at or hit my husband or other adults, I talk to them about their behaviors if necessary.


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

I've been thinking a lot about this thread, but I don't think I ever responded.

Here are a few things that help me.

My mantra is "I am 30, he is 2." What that helps me remember is that I am the responsible one, I am the adult, I've lived (comparatively) a long time, I'm educated and with all those advantages I must be able to figure out some solution.

I also try to mentally step back and put a more positive spin on what he is doing. If he is crying and having a fit that seems really unreasonable to me, I try to step back and think, "Is he tired, hungry, teething, over-stimulated, going through something, etc." and "How can I help him through this moment?"

When he is pitching a fit or refusing to do/not do something I try to move to a place where I feel more pity for him than anger at him. Pity in that something is obviously not right in his world and is causing him to do things I don't like.

If I'm truly feeling very angry and feel like I might do something I would regret I will close myself in a closet for a minute or two to take a few deep breaths. My DS hates this and it's hard on him, so I use it VERY sparingly and only as a last resort to keep myself under control.

I really like Naomi Aldort's book, "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves". I also found "Connection Parenting" to be helpful.

Many hugs, mama!


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## textbookcase (May 31, 2007)

Everyone else has great suggestions, I just wanted to say good luck. You can do it, mama!


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

Since I started this post I have only spanked once and it was a quick swat. I did it before I thought about it. For the past 2 days I have been speaking in a calm voice. If he hits I ask him what he is supposed to use his hands for. Then I tell him hands are for hugging not hitting and then I smother him with hugs. It's really working. Now when I ask he hugs me.


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## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm so glad there has been progress.







: Did you catch that tidbit about clapping when you want to or think you should spank? It kind of seems like a natural thing to get there attention also.


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

I did but I haven't tried it yet. I just remind myself that I don't want to spank him.


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## ricemom3 (Jan 29, 2008)

I just wanted to say







:

sounds like you are making progress, and with the sleep deprivation that goes with having a new baby, that is awesome. Many of us were raised with spanking being ok, then when we have our own kids, it doesn't "feel" right, but its what we were taught. I will admit, I spanked my older kids a few times. Afterwards, I would cuddle with them and cry, because it didn't seem right. I quit doing it, although it was hard, because I just couldn't handle the emotional termoil anymore. It was difficult to do because I had to find some other way to teach them that what they were doing was not acceptable behavior. At that time, there weren't many tools in my parenting toolbox.

Keep up the good work.


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## CTH3989 (Sep 28, 2006)

Thanks!


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## Ms. B. Sprout (Nov 30, 2006)

I really needed to read all of this today. I have been yelling at DS more often than I care to admit lately. It's HARD with two!

I often find myself fighting the urge to spank. I'm going to start using that clapping technique. I think it'll get his attention without yelling, and it'll also channel my urge to spank.

CTH3989 --







, mama. It's just hard sometimes. Thank you so much for posting this thread! And I'm so glad things are going better the last few days!


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## brooklyngirl (May 15, 2003)

Just couldn't stay away from this one...

I've recently spent time with a child that gets spanked. What struck me as so unusual is that I would speak to him and try to redirect some behaviors and he would completely ignore me. It was like I wasn't in the same room.

I finally asked him to sit down and I explained that I was afraid that I was either going to lose him or he was going to get hurt (I was on an outing with him.) I had to explain that I was not going to hit him but that I really needed him to cooperate with me. He was kind of stunned.

I believe spanking has made this child worse behaved. Why listen if you think the only time interaction with an adults matters is if you are about to get hit?

Having said that I know there are times that I have been tempted because it is what I was taught as a child. But I want my relationship to be different with my child. It also doesn't make sense if you think about it rationally.

The last time I was tempted was when my 9 year old pushed my 4 year old down on to the pavement and the 4 year old almost cracked his head open. As I stood in front of my 9 year old, with steam coming out of my ears, it dawned on me how ridiculous it would be to hit my son to teach him NOT to hit my other son. At the moment any blow coming from me would have only been an outlet for my own frustration and anger.

I also go through an examination of conscience ever night and I look over how I lived that day. I don't want to live with violence, there is too much of it in the world already. If you are asking these questions you probably feel the same way.


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## ilovebabies (Jun 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CTH3989* 
Thanks everyone. Really I don't spank very much. I yell or grab him more than anything. What irks my nerves is that he will be 2 feet away from me and completely ignore anything that I'm saying. He won't even turn to look at me sometimes. Or even when I know he's going to hurt himself and he doesn't listen when I tell him not to do it.

I don't continue to repeat myself to my toddler who has her back turned to me or is engrossed in something else. I move to the front of her and get on her level and tell her to look me in the eyes. I then tell her whatever I need to tell her and make sure she understands. Continuing to try to get their attention and yelling and getting upset when they don't respond is so incredibly frustrating. Toddlers have a one track mind! Now of course it's not *always* possible to get up and do that (nursing a babe, in the middle of something you can't walk away from or whatever), but when possible, this really works.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I have a question for the OP: do you find yourself getting furious and spanking almost before you realize it, so that it's an automatic reaction, mostly because it's how you were raised? Or have you consciously chosen to spank as a method of discipline, and you're wondering about alternative methods of discipline so that you can consciously change to other things?

If it's the former, I learned not to yell (much) at DS by counting to ten breaths, then counting backwards again, whenever I felt the urge to yell. I also made a decision that wouldn't be right for everyone, but was for us at that time: I decided that whatever harm too much television did to DS, it would be less than the harm too much yelling would do. When the TV is on he tends to dance and sing and play in the living room, which is the most childproofed room in the downstairs, so he doesn't get into as much mischief, so it gives me a break even if I am sitting on the floor drawing with him, because I'm not constantly on edge knowing that any second I will need to leap up and stop him from destroying something. The excessive-TV-for-a-while approach actually broke our vicious cycle, because I yelled less, so he became calmer and better-behaved, so now we are able to cut back on TV again (which we are doing). That might not be the best approach for you, of course, but if there is something (more help from family? paid babysitting?) that could break your cycle of misbehavior-spanking-agitation-misbehavior, it could be worth a try on a temporary basis.

If it's the second (spanking as a conscious choice), from what you describe the best alternative at this age is removal and childproofing.

If you are expecting a 21-month-old to respond to verbal instructions, he must be very verbally advanced; but that doesn't make him any more self-controlled than other babies his age. Look in the Gifted Child forum for more on asynchronous development.


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