# She's gone (long)



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am new to this forum, but I needed to find somewhere to share my grief. Just a few weeks ago my dh and I were thrilled to find out that our second child would be a baby girl. We had her name all picked out, and we went out and bought some cute little girl outfits. We hadn't been planning this pregnancy, and I had really wanted to wait until Ds was three, but when I found out that I was expecting just after his second birthday, I couldn't help but get excited. I was being so careful, eating the right things and trying to keep myself healthy. Things were going really well too, aside from a little MS at the begining I had made it to 5 months without any serious problems. I had been feeling the baby kicking for almost two months, and I had just celebrated 22 weeks of pregnancy. I never thought anything could go wrong.

But then Saturday morning I woke up feeling sort of sick. I just ached some in my hips and back. I assumed it was something I was going to have to live with for the next several months and went on with my day. I went shopping for some last minute stocking stuffers for Ds and went out to lunch with my family. By early afternoon I was feeling run down so I decided to nap with Ds while Dh went to a moving with my dad. By the time Ds and I got up from our nap I knew I was sick. I took my temperature and it was 101. I figured I was comeing down with the flu, and cursed my luck to catch it right before Christmas. So I popped a movie in for Ds and layed back to wait for Dh to get home. When Dh got home I took my temp again and was up to 102. Dh was worried that the temp might affect the baby and convinced me to take some tylenol. Afterwards I felt better and had some dinner. My temp came back down to about 99 and I figured I would just try to ride out this bug. I occured to me at about 9:30 that evening as my temp was headed back up that I couldn't remember feeling the baby move all day. I couldn't actually remember her moving since the night before when she was kicking me while I worked on wrapping Christmas gifts. I mentioned it to Dh and he brought me a snack and some more Tylenol. However even eating didn't get her moving. This time the Tylenol didn't help my fever or the aching as much and I resolved to sleep on the couch so as not to disturb Ds and Dh. My mother finally convinced me to call in to the Dr.s office and just ask about the temp and the lack of movement. The office assured me that a midwife had been paged and she would be returning my call shortly. I lay down to sleep on the couch, and went in and out of fever dreams all night. By morning things were much worse. The tylenol was no longer doing anything for my fever or pain, and I was desperately worried that I hadn't felt my baby moving. My mother found me at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep and in alot of pain. We called the office again, and finally some one returned my call. The midwife on call said I should head to labor and delivery at the hospital, she would call a head and they would check me out.

I got to the hospital at about 6:30. I was still fevered, but I was also still convinced that I just had the flu. I was sure it was my temperature or some other such thing that had the baby lethargic. In an antepartum room they hooked me up to a monitor and found a heartbeat. It was about 132 bpm and the nurses were sure it was the baby. They took some blood and tried to decide what was wrong with me. No longer concerned about the baby I relaxed and waited to see what they would discover. They came back saying I was dehydrated and needed I.V. fluids. I had an infection, but they still didn't know what kind. The midwife was supposed to be on her way to check me out. The heartrate on the monitor had slowed. Was it possible that they had been tracking my heartrate all this time instead of the babies? THey came in with a doppler to try to find out. They couldn't find a conclusive heartbeat with the doppler so they paged the midwife again. She still hadn't left home. She ordered an ultrasound to check the baby. THe nurse assures me that everything is fine and I will get another chance to see my baby. This way they can know for sure that she is alright and they can concentrate on treating me. My midwife will be in for the ultrasound they assure me. 45 minutes later the ultrasound tech arives with an impressive machine. He is sorry it took so long, but he was helping with an emergency C section. My midwife still isn't here so the labor and delivery nurse stays in the room. I can see the baby on the ultrasound screen, but she isn't moving. Something seems wrong to me, but no one will say anything. The tech finishes and pats my leg. He seems somber compared to how he was when he came in. The nurse assures me once again that my midwife will be in soon. If not a Dr from my practice is on duty and they will have her in. There is still nothing for me to worry about but they are still concerned with why I am sick. An hour passes and I call Dh. I tell him I still don't know anything. The nurses assure me that the midwife will be in anytime the Dr had to go to an emergency C section. Do I need him to come in? No I am sure everything is fine, I have mom with me and I will call him when I know more. Go ahead and let Ds sleep a little longer. A lab tech comes into my room. She doesn't speak much english, but my midwife ordered bloodwork over the phone. She wants to do prelabor blood work. I'm not in labor I tell her and I won't have any more blood work done until some one tells me what is going on. She runs out of the room upset because I won't let her draw blood. A nurse comes in and assures me that the midwife will be in any time now. The tech was confused she tells me they just need to do more indepth bloodwork to see why I am sick. I tell her I won't have anymore blood work done until Some one tells me what is really going on. She says she will page the midwife again. 30 more minutes pass and still nothing. My mother is getting antsy and so she goes to the nurses station to find out what is going on. The nurses page the midwife yet again and tell my mother they don't know why she hasn't come in yet she doesn't live more than 5 minutes from the hospital. 20 minutes later the Dr from my practice comes in followed by the nurse who has been caring for me. I haven't seen her before but she introduces herself and is very kind. She is sorry no one has been in to talk with me. She just came out of surgery or she would have been in before. She has bad news. She sits next to me on the bed. The ultrasound showed that my baby is dead. I have a uterine infection and I need to be treated imediately. Can I understand what she is telling me? The uterine infection killed my baby. It isn't my fault there isn't anything anyone could have done. We need to induce labor imediately. I have to deliver my daughter and start I.V. antibiotics. I am in danger if the infection continues. Would I like to see the ultrasound for myself? So she shows me my daughter on the ultrasound. She shows me her head and her face, and then her chest where her heart should be beating, but it isn't. I cry and my mother calls my Dh for me. I am moved to a labour and delivery suite.

Dh arives as they start the pitocin and the atibiotics. We cry together. The dr comes back to explain to Dh what has happened. We don't know how long it will be till I deliver, but I have all of the pain relievers available to me if I want them. Some women prefer to sleep through this and I can if I want. The nurse gives me demerol for the intense pain I am experiencing. The infection is causing this labor to be worse than the whole 27 hours I was in labor with my son. I ask for the epidural. While the epidural is administered my mother leaves to take Ds to stay with my in-laws. She will be back as soon as possible. The epidural makes me shake, and I feel like I need to push. Dh calls the nurses and my mother. The nurse says it is just my bag of waters and it will pass on its own. She will be right back with the midwife, who has finally made it to the hospital. Before she even gets out of the room I have to call her back. I have just delivered the bag of waters and the baby's foot is out. She yells down the hall for the other nurse and the Dr. The dr makes it in time to help me deliver my daughter and cut the cord. My labor only took three hours. Do I want to hold her? Yes. They lay her up on my chest. She is so tiny and in that moment I imagine that she is still alive. She is so warm from being inside me and her little body is moving because I am shaking so hard from the epidural. Dh takes her because I am afraid I will crush her. The nurse turns off the epidural and I deliver the placenta. The nurse helps me sit up in bed and the Dr. leaves with her apoligies. She will be in to check on me again soon. My mother arives and the nurse leaves. I finally stop shaking enough to acctually hold my baby. She is so beautiful. She looks just like her big brother. She has his nose and lips. Her eyes are closed tight and I cry as I realize that she will never open them. My mother holds her and says how beautiful she is. We call her by her name Arawyn Lorraine. I want my son to be there to see her, but then I decide maybe it isn't for the best. The nurse weighs and measures her. We take plenty of pictures. She is 1 lb 3 ozs and 11 inches. The nurse puts a little pink cap on her and wraps her back up in a blanket. She tells us we need to make our goodbyes soon. We keep our daughter in the room with us for three hours. I delivered at 3:03 pm and I finally kiss her goodbye and hand her to the nurse at 6:30. The nurse tells us that they take special bereavment pictures. She finds her a tiny pink dress for the pictures and tells me the hospital will call me when they are in, they are free to the family. She brings in a special box full of momentos for us. In it are the hospital bracelets that they make up, and the tiny pink dress and knit cap. Also a little card with her tiny foot prints. We need to make plans for a funeral if thats what we want. We call a funeral home that says it offers free services for parents who have lost babies under one year of age. The kind gentleman who runs the home comes out to meet us at the hospital even though it is the middle of the night. He fills out the death certificate for us, and we make the plans. I want to have a funeral and veiwing before we have her cremated. He makes arangments and everything except for the cremation is free. He tells me to let him know when I will be out of the hospital and we will have the funeral then.

I spend three days in the hospital running a high fever. The infection is worse than we thought. I spend eight hours under a cooling blanket with ice packed around me. Dh stays at the hospital with me and my mother brings Ds by to visit several times every day. I finally get released Dec 23rd at 6:00 pm. I have been there since early morning on the 21st. I have enough time to run to a specialty childrens shop to pick out a dress for her funeral. I pick out a beautiful white doll dress. It is very old fashioned and has pink roses on it. The next morning is Christmas eve, and her funeral. We only invited imediate family, I am not up for anything more. The reverend from my church does a beautiful service in her honor, He even holds my two year old ds through part of it. I introduce Ds to his baby sister, and tell him how much she loves him. He doesn't seem to understand, but hugs me and gives me a kiss. Dh and I say a final goodbye to our daughter who we never really got to know. We choose a wooden urn in the shape of an old fashioned building block for her. The funeral director hugs us both and assures us he will call as soon as the ashes are in. We say goodbye and head for home. Without our baby.

I have felt a little better since the funeral. I feel like I did right by her memory in holding it. I just don't understand why this happened. The Dr. says it is Coriamniitis or something like that. My midwife, who unfortunately wasn't on call when I went to the hospital has assured me that I didn't cause it. She says I will be able to have another baby, and I can start trying in three months if I would like. I don't know if I will be ready in three months, but I would like to try again sometime. But I no longer feel the same as before. I never realized that in a normal low risk pregnancy something like this could happen. I always thought that I could stop worrying around 12 weeks, and surely long before 22 weeks. But somehow I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks. And now I am confused. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't. I feel afraid that if I get pregnant this could happen again. I feel lonely and most of all I feel empty. My body no longer looks full and pregnant, and my milk came in but I had no baby to nurse. My sister in law is due the same day I was and she is also expecting a baby girl. I feel so jealous when I see her. She is pregnant and so happy. I don't begrudge her her happiness, and I would never want anything like this to happen to her, but I can't help feeling bad when I see her. Why did I lose my baby girl? Sometimes I imagine that this didn't happen, that I was never pregnant, but I know that isn't true. I don't want to dishonor her memory in that way. I think about how tiny and perfect she was, and about how much I miss her. I just want to hold her. Dh is greiving too, and I think this has brought us closer as a family. Just seeing how much he loved her has made me love him more. Ds is keeping me busy and I feel blessed to have him. I just don't know how to get past this. Everyone asks how I am, and I don't know what to say. They don't want to hear about how empty I feel without her. Sometimes I feel like just walking up to everyone on the street and showing them pictures of my baby girl. I want other people to acknowledge that she existed. I don't want Dh and I to be the only ones who remember her.

I'm sorry this was so long, but thank you to everyone who made it all the way through. I just really haven't been able to relive the experience with anyone. I just had to get out my sadness at the loss of my baby girl, and the anger I felt towards the midwife who never showed up to help me. The hospital staff knew for almost two hours that my baby was dead before anyone told me. The ultrasound tech and nurses were prohibited from saying anything, and the midwife couldn't be bothered with comeing in. I feel like I wasn't important to her because I wasn't going to give birth to a live baby, and that still really hurts. I just wanted to share my story with others who might know what I am going through. Thank you.


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## cassdarrow (May 29, 2003)

Mama, I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious Arawyn.


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## sweetfeet (Jan 16, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something poetic or soothing to say to you.


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## AmandasMom (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.. i'm so very very sorry for your loss. <hugs>


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## Oklahoma Mama (Feb 12, 2003)




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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Shannon, I have tears running down my face after reading your story.







I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter Arawyn.

Please take extra good care of yourself in the days and weeks to come.


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## Oklahoma Mama (Feb 12, 2003)

Shannon I cannot imagine the pain you are going though. I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. My prayers are with you. What a beautiful name for your precious little girl!


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling daughter Arawyn. Thank you for sharing her story and your story with us.


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i am so so sorry. what a terrible shock it must be to have lost arawyn when everything seemed alright before. i appreciate you sharing her story. the image of her in the little pink dress and then in the old fashioned white one with pink roses is really beutiful.
i can totally see how you would want to share pictures with people, so that they know she exists. some moms have posted links to pictures of their little ones in their sig line, if you know how to do that and think you would like to.
i am wishing you and your family healing and peace.


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## wolfmom (Jan 10, 2003)

I am sorry for your loss. I have no magical words but just wanted to express my sympathies for you. thank you for sharing your daughter's life with us.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

aw, mama, so sorry


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

I've been sitting here all night trying to think of something I can say to you. Your post brought me to tears. In my grief there was never anything anyone could say that made me feel better, sometimes people's comforting words made me feel even more bitter. So what I have to offer you is love and support.









Lauren


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I know that nothing I can say will ease your pain. I am very, very sorry for your loss. For you whole families loss. I don't think I will ever forget your precious daughter.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Shannon, I feel so deeply for you and your family. Please know that you gave everything you could to Arawyn Lorraine and for those 22 weeks she knew your warmth and love.

I don't know why these things happen to people who so desperately love and want their child. It seems so cruel at times.

It's been 10 years since I gave birth to my daughter Amanda. She was born still at 38 weeks. Reading your story brought so many memories and emotions back. Let me say that you will NEVER forget your daughter, but there will come a time where you find some peace.

It's so hard because others around you didn't get to know her as you did. They don't understand the intense grief involved when a child is stillborn. It doesn't excuse their behavior in any way, but it brings you to an understanding. I'm glad you had a service for her. You'll come to treasure it one day and the 3 hours you spent holding her.

The coming months are going to be very difficult for you. As the numbness of what's happened wears off you're left with some very raw emotions. People around you may not fully understand what you're going through. If things get too difficult you may want to seek out a Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group in your area. Many hospitals support such groups and it's a beautiful place to come together and share.

There's a sticky in this forum with resources you may find helpful. Please feel free to lean on us, ask questions and share. There are no rules in this forum on how you grieve









I remember a few days after Amanda died, I woke up and made myself some oatmeal, but when I sat down I though 'why bother, nothing there to nourish'. But there was - me. I just couldn't see it then. Please try to take care of yourself. You're body has given birth and has been weekend by infection. You need to take especially good care of yourself now. Please make sure your eating well and keeping hydrated. Also, try to rest when possible.

How are you doing with your son? I didn't have any other children when I lost Amanda, so I got the luxury of grieving however and whenever I wanted to. It must be very hard to care for your son while you're feeling so sad inside. How is he handling thing? He's truly too young to understand death, but by you introducing him to her and talking about her he'll one day understand and know that you made him a part of it.

When you're ready, you may want to find some ways to honor Arawyn Lorraine's memory. You could do this by making a baby album with all her mementos or hanging a picture of her in a special place in the home. I have a wall in my hallway with her hand/foot prints, pictures of her, ultrasound pictures, poetry, pressed pictures and her tiny burgundy dress. It's so comforting to have her with us every day. My kids know they have a sister and both have even told me they talk to her - it warms my heart.

Something else that many people find comforting is to write a letter to their baby telling them how much they loved and wanted them and how hard it is to say goodbye. You can tie it to a balloon and let it go or put it in a special place where you keep her mementos.

Again, I'm so VERY sorry about your loss. I know there are no words that will truly comfort you right now, but please know we're here to listen.

I've lit a candle tonight for Arawyn Lorraine I wish you peace.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

dear shannon!

ms. mom has just said so many of the things i wanted to tell you (and she said them beautifully!)... so i'll add my heartfelt sympathies and wishes for peace for you and your family.

thank you so much for sharing your precious daughter's story with us. i know i will remember her, and your strength and love for her shines through with every word.

she is so fortunate to have chosen such a loving mama and papa.

it's not going to be easy to get through this, but you will. please have faith that there will be an eventual easing to the pain... it will never go away, because you will never forget her, but you will someday find peace. and don't let anyone tell you when that is, because it's very personal and individual! you will know what is best for you... just listen to your heart.

warmly,

katje


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

shannon,
tears are rolling down my face as i sit in the dark and type this to you. i don't know why things like this happen. i am so sorry that it has happened to your family.

you did do everything right and your beautiful daughter knows that. i know that for sure.

Quote:

Everyone asks how I am, and I don't know what to say. They don't want to hear about how empty I feel without her. Sometimes I feel like just walking up to everyone on the street and showing them pictures of my baby girl. I want other people to acknowledge that she existed. I don't want Dh and I to be the only ones who remember her.
Are you sure that everybody feels this way? I know that if a friend or relative of mine had lost a baby, I really would want to hear everything she had to say. I'm sure I wouldn't know what to say but I really really really would want to be able to be there for her. Maybe there is somebody who feels that way?

I am just so sorry.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Shannon, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl.

Nothing can ever prepare you for such a shock and such grief. Be extra gentle on yourself. It is so easy to want to find someone or something to blame it on (especially yourself) but you truly did everything you could.

I am so sorry.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the depths of your grief. My heart just breaks for you and your family.

Please take care of yourself. You have a lot physically and emotionally to heal from.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandra


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter Arawyn. I want to second Ms. Mom's suggestions, since she expressed them better than I think I could have. Please be easy with yourself, it is normal to go through a period of blaming everyone, including yourself, jealousy of pregnant women and those with babies, and pretty much every other emotion under the sun. Something that we did to aknowledge our daughter was to wear a specific piece of jewelry, for me a birthstone angel pin that my dr's nurse gave me and for dh a small butterfly pin, in family photos, on significant days, or when we just needed to feel her presence more. It is our private way of staying connected, and I have often been asked if it is my birthstone, and when I say No, it was my daughter's, people seem genuinely interested in hearing about her. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.


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## bonbon mama (May 16, 2003)

I am so sorry you didn't get what your heart craves. I will pray for peace for you.

I understand the utter dismay you feel in your body. I felt so let down with my body after my losses.

Hug your son; warm toddler hugs were so therapeutic for me.

The only things that brought me peace were the little memorial my husband and I performed for my babies and "talking" to the babies at night and welcoming their spirits to join our family in bed.

Please, pm me if you'd like.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Shannon, I am so sorry you lost your precious girl...


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It's so wonderful to be able to share Arawyn's story with people who understand. Today marks two weeks since my little girl left this world. I miss her terribly. But it is comforting to have my son with me. He makes me get up everyday and keep things together. I am afraid that this sorrow would have completely swallowed me if it weren't for him. He always manages to make me smile and reminds me that there are many wonderful things left to live for. I do feel sorry that he will never get to know his sister though. They will never get to whisper secrets to each other or fight over who got the bigger piece of cake. I realized when I was pregnant with Arawyn, what a wonderful gift she would be for Kearnan. I am certain now that I want to give my son a sibling. When I have recovered physically and most of all emotionally from this loss I know I want to try again. I just hope I won't be a complete basket case through my next pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like getting pregnant again as soon as my midwife gives me the ok, but I want to wait till I am sure I am not getting pregnant to ease the pain, or because I feel like I should be pregnant.

Thank you to those of you who reminded me to take care of myself and most of all eat right. As Ms. Mom said I have found myself not bothering to eat well because there is no baby left to take care of. This is the first time in over three years that I am not either pregnant or nursing. I must admit my diet has gone to He!!. I need to remind myself everyday that I need to take care of myself, and that I am worth taking care of. It's hard because I feel that my body has let me down. My pregnancy with Ds was so easy and I never thought something like this could happen to me. Now I feel betrayed and guilty.

I am thinking about trying the local support group for pregnancy and infant loss, but I am nervous. I don't know what to expect from such a group. Has anyone else tried one?

Thank you all again for your support at this time. Thank you for sharing your own stories and strength. It is nice to have such a great group to lean on.


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

The support groups were nice...they were strangers, but you all had something in common...and you go around the room and can tell your birth story, and sometimes issues that have come up for you. They were helpful for me. I think I stopped going about 4-6 months after...I was doing better, but also someone I knew and didn't like very much (angry man from DH's work and his wife) started going...and I didn't feel as comfortable with them there.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I loved our local support group. I went to 2 and the 2nd one really clicked for me. We get together the first week of October for a ceremony. It's grown so much in the last 10 years.

I also got involved with an organization called Heartsongs (It was Pen Parents at the time). You gave them info on your loss and they put you on a list. You're given a copy of that list and can write to other mothers or they may right to you. I met one someone who is still dear to me today. We've been friends for 10 years now. We've gone through grief, pregnancy and beyond. That might be another option for you. I'm going to check and see if they're still around and I'll post here.

Do what feels right for you. There are no rules and there's now one way to grieve.

You're still in my thoughts.


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Shannon~ I am so sorry for your loss of Arawyn. What a difficult time for you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing her with us. Ms. Mom gave excellent suggestions...it is sometimes very difficult to follow though









As far as support groups...I have found a support group for pregnancy & birth loss that I faithly go to 1x a month. For me it is comforting to have people be there that know exactly what you are going through. The first time I went I was terrified, but I knew if I didn't go I would be worse off then going. Depending on how the group is run...you get to share your birth story and then get to share any thoughts or concerns that you have been going through the past month. It is always sad to meet a new member, but it is always with open arms.

Take care of yourself to best that you can.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

I just wanted to send you a big







I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i don't have much to add but wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts ((hugs))


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

I am so sorry for the loss of Arawyn. She must have looked so beautiful and perfect. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Natalie


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrid thing to go through at the holidays. It must seem especially cruel.

I completely agree on the taking care of yourself thing. Keep taking your prenatal vitamins.







That'll be good for you. You want your body to be in good shape for when you're ready to TTC again.

I was wondering if you would like to share a piture of your little angel with us? I would love to see her.

I too had an infant loss after birth in 1998.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I would love to share some of her photos here. So far I don't have anyone but close family to share them with. I have been afraid to broach the subject with friends as I am unsure how they would feel. I can imagine it would seem a little morbid to some however when I look at her pictures I see a very tiny baby but I am her mother. I am anxious to see how the pictures the hospital took turned out. It was really kind of them to take pictures at no charge to the family. ANd also very touching that someone took the time to sew and donate tiny outfits so the nurses could dress the babies in somthing special.

Can someone explain to me how to share photos here? I am a little technologically challenged.

Thank you all again and I will definately be looking into some of the local support groups. I guess I was just afraid I would get there and all of the other parents would have lost infants after birth and I wouldn't fit in.

Thank you


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss, Shannon








I'd love to see a picture of your beautiful daughter.
Take care of yourself.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, Shannon.

Arawyn is such a beautiful name.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear SHannon,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Arawyn. I lost my daughter in July of 2003 at 24 weeks gestation due to Pre-eclampsia. I have discovered that there are no words that make it better but there were a few things people said that were comforting. One of my friends told me that love passes through the placenta and babies can feel the love their mothers have for them. SHe also told me that I was the mother God meant for me to be to my daughter. SO I say these things to you, that Arawyn felt your love and you are the mother that God meant for you to be to your daughter. IF you want to pm or e-mail me do not hesitate. I have been where you are and I can tell you that it does get better. Please be gentle with yourself during this journey of grief.
Gossamer


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## Zannalyn (Jan 5, 2004)

Dear Shannon,

I just read your post, and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Arawyn! Tears kept filling my eyes as I read. Your story is so sad, and parts of it are so like my own story.

My son Dimitri was born Dec. 19, 2002 , after only 23 weeks gestation. I also had an infection, and a fever, and at first thought I had the flu. Although he was alive at birth, his tiny heart kept beating for only an hour and a half. We held him and told him how beautiful he was.

I sympathize so much with you! I am sorry that people at the hospital were so slow to tell you what was happening. That must have been torture! I remember the pain of milk filled breasts, the empty feeling...

Please remember that none of this is your fault. It's just one of those things that happen. No one seems to know how these infections happen, or how to stop them.

Do take care off yourself, and do eat!! It can make a big difference. When I was very sick with a fever again a couple days after we came home, dh took care of me and cooked for me. I remember tasting the food would bring out the part of me that really wanted to live and recover, a part I sometimes lost touch with.

A dear friend of mine said something I found comforting and want to pass on to you; all your child ever knew was you meeting all her needs. You were always right there for her, and she felt that, and I'm sure she felt your love.

There are many stories from many times and places about the birth of the sacred child at the winter solstice, the time of year when both your daughter and my son were born. This is literally the darkest hour, and the rebirth of hope. Slowly, slowly the days are getting longer, and as they do your strength will continue to return. You will never forget Arawyn, but I can tell you that it will get easier. It may feel like it takes a long time, but it will happen, just like Spring will come again. Hold you ds in your arms and Arawyn in your heart, and you will heal.

write me if you want. I'll be thinking of you.

Jezanna


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## WarriorqueenBea (Oct 7, 2003)

I just want to say how very sorry I am. Arawyn is such a lovely name. I cried throughout your story, and am **** crying. It sounded so much like mine.


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## MaryKate (Dec 6, 2003)




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