# Am I being unreasonable by not letting dd in my in-laws' home? *update in post #70*



## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

My husband seems to think that I'm being cruel and unreasonable, but my thinking is that, unless some serious changes take place, my daughter will *never* set foot in that house.

My inlaws are hoarders. I'm not using that term loosly. The thing that makes this even worse is that they hoard cats. It's sad and sickening. I've even came close to calling the health department, but if my hubby ever found out, I can see it being the end of our marriage as he's so protective of them. They have 32 cats in a doublewide home. Not all of them are fixed, they have fleas, and don't even get me started on the overwhelming smell as soon as you walk in. Before we had dd, I had to leave my purse in the car to keep it from getting 'marked'. The house is gross and dirty. There are 4 cats that dont get along with the others that are kept in one room with a litter box, 2 more that dont get along in another room with a litter box, and the rest are all in the living room/kitchen/dining room, which, as its a doublewide, isnt a very big space, with 2 more litter boxes. The cats are everywhere.

Dh seems to think I'm overreacting, and I had to fight like crazy to keep us from going there on Christmas. Actually, when we didn't his dad said his feelings were hurt and almost didn't come over. They all think that 'just a little while won't hurt her'. I've been using the 'shes too young' excuse, but I don't know how long it'll be until I have to just put my foot down. Am I the crazy one?


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

No - you are not crazy. That is not unreasonable. If for no other reason than fleas are VERY difficult to get rid of.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

If you are unreasonable, then I am too. There is no way I'd set foot in a house like that, let alone let my children do so. It's a health hazard.


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

You're being very sensible. 32!?! I don't think the shelter where I got my cat has that many cats at once! At best your daughter would probably end up with a fear of cats if she had to go there.


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## JD5351 (Sep 13, 2008)

I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's a health hazard!


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I love cats (I have 3) but couldn't even imagine that many. It is a huge health hazard. I was just watching a episode of some tv show that features hoarders and a couple had 80+ cats in a home (only 40 were still living). It was absolutely disgusting.

There is no way I would allow my children to go to a home like that. I would sit down with my DH and have a very loving non-confrontational talk with him about it. He has to realize that it is not healthy for his parents or for those poor cats.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

I think youare doing the right thing and protecting your dd. I could xare less about people having their feelings hurt in the situation you described. Further I would very strongly urge you to report the animal situation to animal control (you can do it anonymously if you need to) those conditions as described by you are animal neglect and possibly cruelty. Also most states do not allow more than 4 or up to 7 cats in one residence. I am not trying to be mean to your in laws but is not right that those animals are living in that state (people have a choice at least). Your dh may be so sensitive because he knows that things in general are very wrong over there for lack of a better term and your in laws need serious help. I would never ever at any age let my dd over there until conditions improved greatly.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

No way are you over reacting, that is such a major health hazzard.
Is there any way you could call the health department without him finding out? Like maybe right after the Electric meter has been read, or a plumber came out or something like that? Then your Dh may not jump to the conclusion that it's you.


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## odoole (Nov 19, 2009)

Maybe not a huge deal, but besides the fleas, exposing her immune system to that many cats at once would be setting her up for major pet allergies down the line.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

no your not being unreasonable, i wouldn't allow my lo's there either that many cats and litter boxes are deffenately not hygenic.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Ok I'm a cat lover. I mean HUGE, love them all, love, love, love! cats. And there is no way in you know what that I'd let my kids in a place like that. I wouldn't go to a place like that. Is there any way to help DH understand that his parents actually have a problem, not that you're not just being mean? Would he listen the pediatrician or a counselor if they told him that many cats indicates an issue? And really, 26 cats to 2 litter boxes? Wowza! This is something that indicates there may be actual legitimate mental issues at play and not only would I not let my children there, I'd really try to make DH see the light to get these people some help.


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## SleeplessMommy (Jul 16, 2005)

Here is a link to a long list of diseases she could be exposed to.

http://www.vet.cornell.edu/fhc/broch...icDisease.html

Ask the pediatrician next time both you and husband are there ... ped will be on your side I think.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

That many cats that few litter boxes







I love cats I have 7 myself 6 outside 1 inside she has her own room due to litter box issues and the kids are not allowed in that room because of the health risks. ie stepping in the poo and pee.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Breathing in that much amonia is dangerous even to adults.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

No, you're definitely not being unreasonable. Keep your focus on your dh. Hopefully you can treat this issue with some humor when you discuss it with him, so he doesn't get defensive. But tow the line. You're in the right.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

you had me at "32 cats"...HAVE MERCY!! There is no way I would go much less force my child to go.


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## lovingmylife (Nov 1, 2009)

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I would not take my child into a house like that either. That sounds disgusting and like a health hazard.


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## HeliMom (Jan 14, 2010)

No I don't think it unreasonable, but I do think you should make a big effort to get your DD to see her grandparents. I know, I know it's their problem why should you have to do the extra work? But really to me family is so incredibly important and you are going to hurt your husband and your in laws feelings when you stay away from their home. Hoarding is like an addiction, and it is very difficult to break. Chances are they had this problem when your husband was growing up and so he is probably defensive of his family. He might even feel your rejection of his parents' home is a rejection of them and by extension, a rejection of him.

Help your inlaws understand that there are just too many pets for you child to be around, but that you want them(the inlaws) around your DD. Plan activities that they can come to, meet them at a park near their home, be proactive about getting time together and you won't have to worry so much about hurt feelings and resentment.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

Nope, not unreasonable at all! Keep her away! And, for me, they wouldn't be allowed in my house either, because I am deathly allergic to cats. I can't image anything in that house not being covered in cat dander/hair. I'd die if they came over, even if they were showered and in clean clothes.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I'd call animal control. That's gotta be illegal, in any jurisdiction!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

You're not unreasonable. Let your husband know that while you love that he supports his parents and you want to help, your child's health outweights their emotional upset. They are welcome to visit you instead or whatever compromise you can work out - but their home is hazardous.

It is hard to be the person who points out what should be obvious but isn't because of their crazy way of life. But I support you.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeliMom* 
No I don't think it unreasonable, but I do think you should make a big effort to get your DD to see her grandparents. I know, I know it's their problem why should you have to do the extra work? But really to me family is so incredibly important and you are going to hurt your husband and your in laws feelings when you stay away from their home. Hoarding is like an addiction, and it is very difficult to break. Chances are they had this problem when your husband was growing up and so he is probably defensive of his family. He might even feel your rejection of his parents' home is a rejection of them and by extension, a rejection of him.

Help your inlaws understand that there are just too many pets for you child to be around, but that you want them(the inlaws) around your DD. Plan activities that they can come to, meet them at a park near their home, be proactive about getting time together and you won't have to worry so much about hurt feelings and resentment.

I agree with this.

And I would add that I think it might be worthwhile for you and dh to have a counseling session together at which you can discuss the issue with a professional who can help you talk through it. I say that because it seems like for your dh there might be a lot of emotional baggage attached to the situation. Perhaps a counselor could help you guys navigate the conversation in such a way that you could avoid hurt feelings.


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## Geist (Jan 27, 2010)

No, you're not at all unreasonable. My mom is a hoarder and my kids (or my sister's kids for that matter) will never set foot in her house simply because it is dangerous and hazardous to their health. My mom knows this but refuses to acknowledge it and that's just her way of saying that her stuff is more important than having a relationship with her grandkids (or children). It's a really hard situation and I hope you and your DH find a way to deal with it


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

There is no way my children would be going to that house, no matter whose feelings got hurt. I don't care if it is an addiction. Okay. Fine. But, I refuse to endanger my childrens' health to spare someone else's feelings.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Nope, your not being unreasonable. A house where peopl are hoarders, and hoarders of an animal (*ANY* animal - dogs, cats, mice, rats, whatever) would be a HUGE no freaking way. *I* wouldn't set foot in that house... *shiver*


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## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

no, no way are you being unreasonable. just invite them to your house instead, that's what I had to do with my family


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## SilverFish (Jan 14, 2010)

PLEASE call animal control. there is no reason anyone has to know it was you. that is so unhealthy for your inlaws and for those poor poor animals. maybe seeing an outsider's reaction to the situation (i.e. immediately coming in and taking away all the animals, recommending counselling) will help your DH and inlaws realize how serious the situation has become? if they started out with one cat, and then added a couple, and then a couple more, it could be easy for the situation to get a little fuzzy for the people most directly involved. often hoarders know there is a problem, but have convinced themselves it's not as bad as it looks. and it isn't going to get better without some serious outside intervention.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

I don't have any issue with them having 32 cats in the house, EXCEPT that the cats are not well taken care of. I don't agree about calling animal control because they will just kill them all and that would suck.

I actually know someone who usually has around 30 cats in their house (sometimes up to 60 or so) but they run a rescue, and change the multiple litters daily, mop and disinfect the floors daily, give all of them shots and Revolution (flea/tick stuff) and the cats are all extremely healthy and happy. Yes, the house still sometimes smells, but sometimes it doesn't.

That said, I would not take my little one into a house where my purse would be in danger of being peed on. I would wait until the child was much older. Instead, I suggest you start inviting the inlaws over as much as you can, so that you can control the situation. Perhaps you could invite them every Sunday for Sunday brunch or Sunday dinner. Or choose more neutral locations like parks, restaurants, venues, etc. As long as your inlaws see your child and family frequently, I think it will help lessen the blow.

And I know what you can get them for birthdays, mother's day, father's day, etc.... litter, litter and more litter, electronic litter boxes, multipacks of Advantage or Revolution flea control, etc.

If I were you, I might tell a white lie, say that you were bitten by fleas at their house once, and the flea bites got infected and drove you crazy for days, so unless all of their cats are on something, and their house is completely clean, you feel you simply can't go over. Claim you might have a flea allergy or something and apologize for your over-sensitivity.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

You should show your dh the show "Hoarders" that was on last night it was on A&E (google Hoarder Shirley to find it). Holy crap, there is no way I would let my child go anywhere near a house with that many cats. I would call animal control. It is just plain cruel to the poor cats.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

No way, mama. I wouldn't go in their house myself (I have severe cat allergies and would die lol) and I would not let them come into mine either. Fleas can come in on people and they really are hard to get rid of.
I would have a serious talk with my husband and not bend one bit on them coming over or us going there. He needs to realize what a crazy, hazardous situation this is and he needs to talk to his parents. Then it's up to them to either do something about it (ie get rid of most of the cats) or accept the fact that they've chosen this lifestyle over a closer relationship with the granddaughter.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

No, I would not allow my children in that house. I, personally, couldn't go there because of allergy issues.

Personally, I think you owe it to the animals AND to your in-laws to call animal control. There is a good chance that some of those animals are suffering (especially if they are not having regular vet care and it sounds like they have a flea infestation). It is NOT safe or healthy for animals to be kept that way. Is there any way they would not know it was you who called? I'm sure your DH is protective and if he has been there as the situation has slowly worsened there is a good chance that he is in denial about the situation as well. Maybe you could have *him* watch the hoarders show with the multiple cats and it might help him realize that this could be a mental illness.


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

Heck no!

And I think pianojazzgirl (per usual!) has excellent advice regarding getting a 3rd party to help y'all talk this issue out.









Best of luck!
Jenne


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## baglady (Jul 13, 2009)

You are totally correct on this one. I love cats. We currently have two that are great with our DS, but 32!! What you described is not a safe environment for any human (or cat).

I didn't read through all responses, so this may have been said. You described DH as protective over them. That means he knows it's a problem deep down. I'm sure he's just trying to tell himself it's normal. Maybe approaching it from a compassionate angle with him (I'm so sorry this is the situation your parents are in )? Of course, you may have already tried that.


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## mummyofan (Jun 25, 2008)

Pardon my response, but oh good god, no.
There's NO WAY my children would ever go somewhere like that.
I'm sorry if I offend , as I haven't read any responses, but that was my instinctive reaction.
It sounds (to be honest, I'm struggling for words to explain this reasonably) awful.

I wish you strength to get this through to the people who love her. (If this is whatyou decide)


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunshineJ* 
Ok I'm a cat lover. I mean HUGE, love them all, love, love, love! cats. And there is no way in you know what that I'd let my kids in a place like that. I wouldn't go to a place like that.

Yes, this! I love cats, we have 5 (and way more than 2 litter boxes, wow!). However, there is no way I would take my children over to that house. I agree with the other posters about you and your DH talking with a 3rd party about it.


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

Things will only get worse as your ILs age. They will not be able to take care of all those animals and the house will only get worse. I had a great-great aunt who had beginning alzheimers, by the time she was moved into assisted living she had 50+ cats, her house was piled in garbage and feces. I believe the conditions of her house further deteriorated her mental state. The house had to be completely gutted before it could be sold. She would have had almost a million dollars if she had sold the house...but everything had to be redone at the cost of several hundred thousand.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Tell your dh he has two choices: couples' therapy and your dd doesn't go to the inlaws house, or couples' therapy and you report your in laws to the health authority.

Sorry, that was a flippant response, but seriously, if he's not willing to take your dd's health and well-being into consideration over his parents feelings??

My parents have had hoarding issues. At various times as I was growing up the house was completely cluttered. When my dd was born, they worked their butts off emptying the house. Before we came to visit, my dad even refinished all the wood floors to make sure there weren't splinters and left them slightly rough so they wouldn't be slippery. That's what grandparents who want grandkids to visit do.

I didn't know about the cleaning and arranged with my little brother that if the house was going to be a safety problem for my dd that I'd stay at his apartment instead. And that's what a parent who wants their LO to be safe and healthy does.

You are 100% right in this case and your dh needs to open his eyes.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Do they live close enough that you could put a note on a neighbor's door asking *them* to call?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I don't have any issue with them having 32 cats in the house, EXCEPT that the cats are not well taken care of. I don't agree about calling animal control because they will just kill them all and that would suck.

Not necessarily, that depends on the animal control for the area.

However, the sooner the cats are where they can be cared for, the more likely they'll be in a state where animal control will offer them for adoption. Whereas if things go on until the cat problem is noticeable outside the home, likely many of the cats who would be offered for adoption now will be put down for being too mean or sick.


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## muldey (May 8, 2002)

You are not being unreasonable at all.I'm a huge cat lover,I have 5,but 32?!?It's not good for the cats nor your inlaws.







My 5 are hard enough to keep up with!I agree with the other posters,try to find somewhere to spend time with your inlaws so you can avoid some hurt feelings.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Good Lord!! I wouldn't go over there nevermind actually letting my kid over there. The idea of spending any time in such an environment makes me swoon.

Quote:

*Not all of them are fixed,* they have fleas, and don't even get me started on the overwhelming smell as soon as you walk in.
Please call animal control. Since the animals aren't fixed the 32 cats will soon be double that. A flea infestation isn't good for the cats, and certainly isn't good for your DH's parents.

Quote:

I don't agree about calling animal control because they will just kill them all and that would suck.
And what do will happen when the place is condemned? Call NOW while maybe some of the cats are still adoptable. It is a terrible idea to let the situation continue out of fear that some of the animals may be euthanized. Because, the more cats they have, the worse it will be, and the more that will be euthanized in the end. Make the hard decision now. It will be a lot better then later.

Both the parents and the cats need help. I would also be looking into a mental health organization as well to see what programs are available.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

My gut says that if your husband doesnt see anything wrong with bringing his child around such a health hazzard, (32 cats in a double wide with fleas and are breeding at will) then perhaps he needs some counseling to understand the disease his parents have. Because hoarding is a DISEASE.

They are actually doing those cats a disservice, if you ask me.

Thats my gut reaction. Take it with a grain of salt.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

I would NOT let my children go in a place like that either. I would also call the animal shelter and the health department ASAP. You DH doesn't know how bad it is, obviously.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't let my child anywhere near that house.

But I do think your daughter needs to know her grandparents, so I wouldn't keep them apart, just do other besides go to their house.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I agree with Betsyj. I love cats, but can't be around them much because I have very severe (not life-threatening) allergies. I think they are really wonderful animals. But they are already living in hell and even if they are put down, it's the humane thing to do compared to making them suffer like they are.

The environment is extremely unhealthy (both physically and mentally) for your in-laws, too, obviously. If your dh would divorce you because you cared enough to take steps to getting them help by calling the health department, then yeah, you might consider marriage counseling. He's in denial along with his parents. There is only so much you can compromise on to have your dh's parents in your lives without sacrificing your own health. It's your body and your child... you get to choose what is healthy and unhealthy. This isn't even a gray area... this is black and white. I would give an ultimatum in this case and I'm usually 100% against ultimatums. Either clean it up and get rid of the cats, or they don't get to see their granddaughter. Ask your dh if he would be O.K. to leave your dd there for a week while you went on vacation. If she's not safe there for a week, she's not safe there for an hour.

Good luck.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Um, I have 4 cats and as much as I love them, sometimes I can't stand it. It is no easy task making sure that my house isn't destroyed by them and is clean. A house with 32 cats....







. You are not in any way shape or form being unreasonable.


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## KempsMama (Dec 1, 2008)

I don't think your being unreasonable in the least. I tend to be more relaxed than most, and I wouldn't set foot in their house, much less let any child I loved in.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! I wouldn't set foot in that place myself let alone with a child.

Is there anyone else who can call the department of health instead of you?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Good Lord!! I wouldn't go over there nevermind actually letting my kid over there. The idea of spending any time in such an environment makes me swoon.

Please call animal control. Since the animals aren't fixed the 32 cats will soon be double that. A flea infestation isn't good for the cats, and certainly isn't good for your DH's parents.

And what do will happen when the place is condemned? Call NOW while maybe some of the cats are still adoptable. It is a terrible idea to let the situation continue out of fear that some of the animals may be euthanized. Because, the more cats they have, the worse it will be, and the more that will be euthanized in the end. Make the hard decision now. It will be a lot better then later.

Both the parents and the cats need help. I would also be looking into a mental health organization as well to see what programs are available.

This. Those cats are going to breed..or maybe already have. There will be easily 50 by next year. Then, there will be 50 cats going to a shelter. I can't believe your husband wants to expose his daughter to that. I wonder why your inlaws expect you to ignore their problem? Maybe if you ignore it, they can convince themselves that it's still acceptable?


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i find this is so much more than just hoarders.

absolutely i would not go over there. with or without my child.

however there has gotta be a relationship between grandparents and gdd. something needs to happen here.

either they come over to your house or they take your dd elsewhere.

like a pp mentioned - family is essential - no matter whatever kind you have. you may not get along (not saying that you dont) but there has to be some communication going on with your child and gparents. i remember my exh just met his gparents once in his life when he was about 4 when his gpa took him to the neighbourhood store to get him candy. today at 48 he still remembers that incident warmly.

while yes it is a health hazard, i think your dd is losing out on a lot. i dont remember reading how far the gparents live? can they take her to the park or mall or even a mcdonalds? anything. i just feel so sad your dd is missing out on her gparents. our 'gma' next door neighbour went to an assisted facility when dd just turned 2. to this day 5 years later dd remembers gma clearly. i feel sad ur dd is missing out on this.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

32 cats??!!??!! Thats, well, wow. I'm speechless.

Call animal control. Those cats need to be moved somewhere else. DO it anonymously, or give someone you trust the information and have them do it.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Not unreasonable at all. My MIL has a similar problem. Her house is overstuffed with STUFF, and you never know when you'll move a box or go around a corner and find a pile of desiccated cat poop or something. I'm afraid of how many black widows we're going to find when we eventually have to clean the place out. It's ridiculous. Oh, and that doesn't even cover the rat poison she leaves out on the kitchen counters or the rotten meat on the stove that she swears is "for the dogs."

No, we don't go there. And we told her why.


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

I have a similar issue with my in-laws. All the men in the house are hoarders and mil supports them in their illness.

My solution-I invite them here regularly and we visit them in the summer. We camp nearby their house and visit in the yard which is like a junk yard with lots to explore.







The kids run in and use the bathroom. For 2 years after the twins were born I didn't go to their house.

My bigger issue is that I see the hoarder in my spouse and *that* scares me.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

You aren't at all unreasonable! Usually I'd say that "too many animals" is a very subjective statement, but 32 cats?! I have two cats and two dogs, and cleaning up after them (litter boxes, mud tracked in and dear lord, the HAIR!) is more than a full time job. Then again, my grandpa swears up and down that we have way too many animals


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## Comtessa (Sep 16, 2008)

Good grief, PM me with their information and _I'll_ call for you!!!


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Those cats are living in an abusive environment and NO, my chuildren would not be entering that home. Nor would I. EVER.
Please make the call to animal control and get the cats some help.


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## K1329 (Apr 6, 2009)

My friend's MIL sounds similar to yours. Tons of animals - dogs, cats, goats, etc. - none of which had received vet attention of any kind. My friend DID send her dd over there and now seriously regrets it. Her dd was scratched by one of the cats and developed "cat scratch fever". She spent 2 weeks in the hospital and may have permanent kidney damage. If it were me, there's no way I would back down on this issue.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I wouldn't take my children to the place you're describing, whether the people were related to me or not.


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

We can only stay for a little while in my moms house that has one cat, and lots of dust. We never stay long.

What a challenge getting dh on board. good luck


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## SoulCakes (Dec 23, 2009)

Noooo. No no no no no. You're not the one being unreasonable, your husband is! It sounds like he's in serious denial about his parents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eclipse95* 
I was just watching a episode of some tv show that features hoarders and a couple had 80+ cats in a home (only 40 were still living).

Oh God.

Please, I know you don't want to be the bad guy, but surely you can place an anonymous phone call to the proper authorities. This is not healthy for anyone involved - cats or humans.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I don't have any issue with them having 32 cats in the house, EXCEPT that the cats are not well taken care of. I don't agree about calling animal control because they will just kill them all and that would suck.









Except that this is 32 cats in a trailer, with two litter boxes. A double wide trailer has about 1700 square feet. The cat:square footage:litter box ratio here is highly problematic.

Please, PLEASE call animal control. They will not "just kill them." Even if some of the cats do have to be euthanized, the longer you wait, the more cats there will be. Those cats are being abused. The longer they stay where they are, the higher the probability that each individual cat will develop more health and psychological problems and thus be less adoptable.


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## JB1972 (Mar 17, 2010)

I believe it's unanimous that you are not being unreasonable. The big debate seems to be over what people feel you should do regarding your in laws problem with hoarding. I only post because I think that your family relationships are so important, and will be for a very long time, so I don't think that calling animal control would be a good idea. Or perhaps I should say, it's probably a "good idea" that will likely have some very "bad" unintended side effects. It could not only damage your marriage, but your relationship with your in laws, and thus your DD's relationship with her grand parents.
They clearly need help, that much is obvious, and the cats are clearly not living in a healthy environment... but I still think that it would be best to deal with the problem without calling animal control. Counseling could be a good way to go, and/or a good heart to heart with the in laws (with hubby's help ideally). It would also probably help if you found some way to "give" something here too; since taking your daughter to their house is not an option, possibly there is some sort of token gesture that you could make to demonstrate that you are trying to reach a positive solution. If DH's parents think that there is a rift between you and them that is keeping their grand daughter from them, they will be upset and hurt... and that very well be an additional obstacle to dealing with the root problem. They have an addiction, and they need help.
Good luck


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JB1972* 
I believe it's unanimous that you are not being unreasonable. The big debate seems to be over what people feel you should do regarding your in laws problem with hoarding. I only post because I think that your family relationships are so important, and will be for a very long time, so I don't think that calling animal control would be a good idea. Or perhaps I should say, it's probably a "good idea" that will likely have some very "bad" unintended side effects. It could not only damage your marriage, but your relationship with your in laws, and thus your DD's relationship with her grand parents.
They clearly need help, that much is obvious, and the cats are clearly not living in a healthy environment... but I still think that it would be best to deal with the problem without calling animal control. Counseling could be a good way to go, and/or a good heart to heart with the in laws (with hubby's help ideally). It would also probably help if you found some way to "give" something here too; since taking your daughter to their house is not an option, possibly there is some sort of token gesture that you could make to demonstrate that you are trying to reach a positive solution. If DH's parents think that there is a rift between you and them that is keeping their grand daughter from them, they will be upset and hurt... and that very well be an additional obstacle to dealing with the root problem. They have an addiction, and they need help.
Good luck

I guess I am going to disagree with not alerting animal control for risk of causing strife in the family. It is extremely cruel to those animals to live in those conditions and very dangerous to your ILs. I would call animal control on my own mother if I had to. If she needs to she can make an anonymous call and they will still check it out. Animal control routinely does that.

Honestly OP I just wouldn't be able to even speak to them knowing how those animals are living (let alone the poor ILs) and not doing anything about it. As an animal lover this is what would make me pull away from them, never mind them pulling away from you because of hurt feelings.

Like a PP said, I would call animal control myself if you gave me their information.

I don't know if that sounds harsh or not? It is a really tough situation to be in all the way around. I think their feelings are going to be hurt a little bit no matter what happens y/k?


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## Pepper44 (May 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Magali* 
Um, I have 4 cats and as much as I love them, sometimes I can't stand it. It is no easy task making sure that my house isn't destroyed by them and is clean. A house with 32 cats....







. You are not in any way shape or form being unreasonable.

I have 4 cats too and it's a lot of work. I love them but often wish I did not rescue 4 cats.









I skimmed the responses and there's one thing I don't understand--everyone assumes animal control will solve the problem? Our animal control (in Kentucky) says there is no law about how many cats one person can have if they are feeding all of them. You could call and they could very well do nothing about it.

I called animal control because a lady down the street had 20+ cats--many lining the windows inside, many outside roaming around her home. The smell in the summer was SO bad, like cat poop and dead animal bodies. It made my DD dry heave as a baby when we walked past! Animal control went in with hazmat suits, and they said that since the cats were all fed there was nothing they could do.

The sad thing is the couple that lived there were actually very nice. I later met them and became sort of friends, though I never went inside their home. They took the kittens of feral cats from around town and got them fixed then tried to find them homes or tried to re-release them once they could no longer reproduce...


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Even if they can't do anything, it'd put them on the radar as a place that's had a complaint.

Also, the in laws might be living in a state with a health department that would address the unsanitary conditions of the home even if animal control has a policy about only intervening if the animals aren't fed.


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

I'd tell them she's allergic to cats. They can't argue with that. After all, contact with that many cats could make her very ill.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

I'd be setting up boundaries with dh regarding this issue and I wouldn't be budging. It is perfectly acceptable that you would not want your daughter there, let alone any human being.

I'd find someone (PM the poster who offered!) to call AC if i was afraid to do it.

Where I live animals in that condition would very likely be removed. There are laws about vaccines and an infestation of fleas would constitute neglect.

I'd have my ILs over and meet at neutral locations.

I would be in counseling with my dh to work through how this has affected him.

I really hope they get help.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Have your DH read this thread, or at least refer him to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

in particular go down to the heading about animal hoarding, involves keeping larger than usual numbers of animals as pets without having the ability to properly house or care for them, while at the same time denying this inability. ...


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## goodygumdrops (Jan 25, 2007)

I just want to say that NO WAY would that be ok with me and I've had many animals. At one point, we had 4 cats and 3 dogs. It was exhausted and we now have none. Eventually, when my son is bigger we may get 1 or 2 but that is IT.

As for your situation, I believe you should first call animal control and report them. I'm sorry but this is a very serious situation for their health and the animals. Then I would talk to you husband about marriage counseling.

Any updates on the situation?


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## Comtessa (Sep 16, 2008)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_hoarding
A more in-depth article on animal hoarding...


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

I've definitely drawn my line. And dh agrees, but still thinks its ok for them to have them. The cats are all well fed and none of them are sick, though the living stuation is just gross.

My mother called the health department and they said that nothing can be done since there are no minor children living in the household.

I want my daughter to have a good relationship with them, so we have them over for dinner every sunday. But thats starting to bother me a bit because theyre very dirty people, and fil steps on dd's play mat with dirty shoes so i have to clean as soon as they leave and not put her on it while theyre here, and mil holds dd and when she gives her back she smells like cats. it grosses me out.

dh and i have talked about counciling, and we're going to do it, but he says he wont even mention it to his folks, because hes sure that if we mention it to his father he'll never speak to him again.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *K1329* 
n of any kind. My friend DID send her dd over there and now seriously regrets it. Her dd was scratched by one of the cats and developed "cat scratch fever". She spent 2 weeks in the hospital and may have permanent kidney damage. If it were me, there's no way I would back down on this issue.

I always thought it was just a song until my cousin got it. She was trying to feed a ferral cat, and it scratched her. The illness is no joke. It's serious and painful!

I love cats. We had 6 at one time. I think when you have 32 indoors, though, you're crossing a line into issues that need to be addressed.


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

I would have them take off their shoes! Our guests remove them at the door, because it's a good way to reduce the amount of lead dust that gets tracked into your house. Tell them you read this article, and that you want to protect your baby. Everyone knows how bad lead exposure is for children.

And, uh, your pediatrician says that everyone needs to wash their hands before they hold the baby. Yes, even though she's not a newborn anymore.







I don't know what you can do about the cat smell though. Yuck.


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.

except for between cleaning up after dirty shoes and smelling fil's feet (like i said, theyre filthy people), i choose cleaning up


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
except for between cleaning up after dirty shoes and smelling fil's feet (like i said, theyre filthy people), i choose cleaning up









Some households with the no-shoe rule have slipper for the guests. If you got a few pair of guest slippers and bought a "special" pair for your fil that matched one of his interests it might be a way to avoid both problems.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Whoa.







Yeah, I'd definitely be trying to meet at a park or something. Ew.

And I had two cats (one just passed away recently from old age), and have lived with cats all my life. I'm definitely a cat person, but cats aren't supposed to SMELL bad, imo...


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Can you put her play mat up before they get there to cut down a little on your post visit cleanup? I really can't believe that there is no regulation against having that many cats in your home.

...and if they have fleas they are not healthy and with the fleas comes worms which are definitely not healthy for your dd.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
We had a no shoes rule in our house when my DD was small. No one had a problem with it. People just took off their shoes by the door.

This is our rule too.


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## caiesmommy (Feb 26, 2007)

there's no way I woudl let dc go to a place like that!

We have family friends that own a small farm and I would love to take dc BUT the farmers wife has gone a little off the deep end and has been keeping cats in the house, and last time my family told me she's in the high 20s. Theres no way I would go in there let alone take my kids..and these people live in a massive farm house, not a double wide.


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## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Another vote for a "no shoes" rule with a basket of slippers available for the ILs. I don't blame you a single bit for not going over to your ILs' house - I wouldn't, either, since I think it really is a health hazard - but I'm glad you have them over to your house in order to maintain a relationship with them. Stay firm on the 'dd doesn't go there' thing - get your ped to tell your dh it's a health hazard, if you need to - fleas and worms and other fecal/oral nasties just aren't worth it (not to mention the awfulness of cat scratch fever that a pp mentioned...).








Good luck, mama.


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## dancindoula (Jun 20, 2005)

OP, I know you said the health dept can't help, but try animal control. it can still be anonymous, and they can at least check it out for themselves to decide i anything needs doing. Even if the cats are well-fed, the litter box situation you described is really bad and a big health-hazard for the cats. The same is true for confining them in a tiny and filthy space - it can make them quite sick. The fleas are a very, very big health problem for the animals, even if the humans are willing to live with it. Besides, a healthy cat prefers to be clean and doesn't smell!

Oh, and one idea for getting together with them: now that it's getting so nice outside maybe on good weather days you all could have your Sunday dinner picnic-style at DD's favorite park?


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## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

Someone else said something about meeting outside of the home. It's getting nice out--park days on Sunday?

This is crazy. I mean, I had 10 cats in high school but they were clean. Holy crap.


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## painefaria (Jul 4, 2007)

Man what an issue. I would not allow my family to go to a house like that. We have 3 cats and 4 cat pans! In our area we have a small agency called ORCA that will investigate calls like this one. They do ask for your name but just so that they can call you with a follow up if you want one. You can call without leaving a name. We have had a similar situation with my IL, not with cats but smoking. We live almost 400 miles away and when DS was born DP told her parents we would not come to visit if they were smoking in the house. They have become a little lax about it and DP stood firm and told her mother (FIL quit smoking 18months ago







) that she would stay at her brothers when we came to visit and that we would not come to the house. It worked. But your DP/DH has to be on board with the limits.


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## honeyhaze (Oct 31, 2008)

My in-laws are also hoarders and I (usually) won't let my son visit them. They don't understand why, but my husband does. It still bothers him that it bothers me, but he does basically understand. Their house is filthy, dangerous, not even remotely child proofed (think teetering stacks of heavy objects + choking hazards all over the floor), so my son is basically confined to our laps on the rare occasions when we visit. I've tried to encourage my in-laws to remove some of the clutter, but it ain't happening at this point. They're both over 70 and they've been living this way for too long.

My MIL so badly wants my son to visit that she bought him one toy for his first birthday... and then took it back to "keep at her house." She literally took it back, knowing that he'll almost never use the toy over there.

So at least know that you aren't alone. I felt some relief when I came across this posting and realized that I'm not alone!


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