# it's not my job to embarrass my son



## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

So, why am I always doing it? I really feel frustrated right now at the state of our relationship. I find myself falling into some really bad patterns with him

The way I dress embarrasses him, so does my car, our house, the things I say while in earshot of other people







:

he just turned 12, and I had this fantasy of having this amazing relationship with him because I reallt appreciate teens and their issues/causes. I thought he was lucky to have me as a mother. He won't even listen to me. When I try to discuss something with him, he says "mom...stop, you're making me feel bad" when I'm trying to talk through something that happened earlier. When he makes up his mind that he's not listening to me, that's it!

Whats more, he calls his dad on a reg basis and they talk for a long time. He never calls me from his dad's house (used to) there is such a rift between us









I feel so awful, like I am creating the absolute worst relationship ever









thanks for listening.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

BelovedK,

Sounds like _individuation_. I am not sure how much creedence I give psychological explanations for anyone's behavior but it makes sense that a 12 year old boy may begin to identify less with his mom and more with his peers. This might look like annoyance and embarassment to you. Often "talking about feelings" is not a style that works with boys. Don't take it personally. When you do, he probably "feels guilty" and then you "feel rejected". It gets to be a "feelings" mess. So what if he hates your car and the house? Come to think of it, we all hate my car... it has become something of a family joke. Hey, if money is not an object, maybe you can let him pick the next family car -- or at least invite a fantasy about it? "What car would you trade this in for if you had the chance?" Could be a fun (and less feelings-laden) way to communicate with him and work on the bonding that is so important to you.


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## greenhaven (Feb 25, 2007)

Ah, welcome to puberty! lol! Usually a rude awakening, at best. I think you are not as alone as you think...this is very much the age when boys start gravitating toward their fathers, generally. That is good and important; don't stifle it.

I can't really tell you what is right for you to do with your own kid. Try not to take it personally, and you have taken the right first step in recognizing that it is hurting you. Let as much of the 'embarrassing to him" stuff roll off, because he most likely doesn't think any less of YOU...he's just growing up.

Don't let him shut you out of his life, but give him some space. Sometimes when we stop crowding our kids they come forward on their own. Not saying you are, of course...I would have no idea!

I do think he should always be respectful to you, even if he is mad or emabarrassed.....just remember it is a phase, he will grow up and learn not to be embarrassed.

P.S., junior high is the worst age to get through, I think...high school was much better, imo and experience. Don't despair!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

He's 12? Then it IS your job to embarrass your son. The most embarrassing thing a 12-year-old can have is a caring, involved parent.


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## fishface (Jan 6, 2007)

It's just puberty. It's normal. Give him space but be loving, open, and supportive. By the end of high school and beyond he'll slingshot back and be one of those guys who tells his friends how great his mom is and how he can tell her anything.


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## doulamomvicki (Nov 4, 2003)

to you mama, I feel it too sometimes.


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## Suzukimom (Mar 1, 2007)

I agree with all the others. This is a stage. My son went through it when he was 11-12 but then one day he observed a girl in his class get all embarassed when her mother came into the classroom. He thought the mother was fine, but the girl was embarassing herself. He had an epiphany and realized that you are the only one who could embarass yourself.

My mother used to embarass me when I was a young teen. I remember my father saying that people won't look at you if she is doing something "embarassing" - they look at the person, not you. They will look at you if you respond the the "embarassing" person. Make sense?


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

My oldest DS is almost 12 and used to act like this in 4th grade last year but changed when he saw other kids hugging their parents, going out of their way to show off their parents, etc.







All the kids in his class this year think I'm cool and he is okay with how I am now. The problem I have with him now is that he likes to talk back and disrespect my authority in private, not around others. He doesn't do it with his dad, just me. So I feel like the constant bad parent having to tell him no and argue with him about little things because he refuses to listen to me.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Thanks guys, I was just having an 'i am a bad parent' moment... The bickering, the disrespect on his part really bothers me. I really hope this is just a phase. I want my boy back


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## Blue Dragonfly (Jun 19, 2005)

My girlfriend is going through this with her daughter, and I think she is the best mom ever.

Someone reminded her that children act out most with the parent they feel the most safe with. Like toddlers and their temper tantrums.

Hugs mama!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK* 
Thanks guys, I was just having an 'i am a bad parent' moment... The bickering, the disrespect on his part really bothers me. I really hope this is just a phase. I want my boy back









You won't get your boy back, but I bet you'll get a lovely young man.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

Umm, from what I remember of being a teenager, this is *totally* normal. Parents are like the most embarrasing thing ever, and the more involved they try to be the more embarrasing it is. If you've ever read the comic strip "Zits", it pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I know it's probably impossible, but try not to take it too personally... you could be Carol Brady or whoever and he'd still act this way. No boy that age wants to be seen as a "momma's boy".

From what I understand about boys (not as a mother though, so take with salt ) this might help a little bit: do what you can to maintain your dignity. You are the parent: he doesn't have to like your clothes/music/causes/whatever but he should *not* be allowed to ridicule you or treat you disrepectfully. Your personal choices are not dictated by what *he* wants and in the end he will respect you even more for being strong and independent (from him) than for being clingy or overly concerned with what he thinks.








I hope things smooth out some!


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 
You are the parent: he doesn't have to like your clothes/music/causes/whatever but he should *not* be allowed to ridicule you or treat you disrepectfully. Your personal choices are not dictated by what *he* wants

thank you, this really speaks to me...it's nice to hear that my son is behaving in a totally normal way, we usually have such problems with him (bipolar related stuff) it's nice to know that this is a normal preteen thing









thank you thank you


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I embarrass my ds1 just by existing.









I think one of the best things I ever said to him was recently when we were having a talk about his attitude.

I looked him in the eye and said, "Listen, I know you think I'm an idiot sometimes."

Ds1 - *speechless*

Me: "Everyone your age thinks their parents are idiots sometimes - I thought my parents were the stupidest people I'd ever met."

Ds1 - *big grin*

Me: "Just do me a favor, and remember that even though I embarrass the heck out of you, I'm still your mom, I'm not a total idiot, and there will come a day again where I no longer embarrass you and you think I'm pretty darned smart."

Ds1 - *bigger grin* "I will, Mom."

I honestly think it really helped him to hear that I understood how he was feeling. Geez, don't we all remember feeling that way? It was a good way I think to take a potentially tense moment and turn it into connecting on a humorous level.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I remember being so upset that my dad wore socks with his sandals, now my son thinks I look 'unorthadox' (his words)


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

I think there are many benefits to the teen thinking the parent is an idiot, or embarassing, or whatever. --
"who told you I was drinking???????" Uh, your eyeballs, but I'm not gonna tell you that since I'm gonna catch you again if you ever lose your mind like that in the future. Keep thinking I'm stupid, honey, and that I never did anything like smoke pot in college.
"but so and so is best friends with her mom" uh huh, and we can be best friends too when you're 30. Until then, I get to be your mom. Your friendly mom. By the way, I don't buy my best friends new fancy schmancy underwear after they have a "slip" or give them allowance. I may have a glass of wine with her, but that's because I didn't personally create her liver.
"you wear mom jeans" uh huh, and someday you'll figure out why it's no fun to pull your pants up every time you move, and you can laugh at the 40 year old mom wearing stuff that she stole from her kid.
When you're 25, you get to watch all the silly films the "embarassing" parents took of you as a kid, and have a real tickle of love. (But not until then).

Some kids don't have the benefit of the embarassing thing, but they sure are jealous of the ones who do.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lanamommyphd07* 
you can laugh at the 40 year old mom wearing stuff that she stole from her kid.

The thing is, my son thinks I'm *that* mom (I'm 40 too)
He wrote me a note that said:

Quote:


COMPLAINTS:

! How you dress-

*unorthadox
*imbarrasing*
*You look BAD! and I want to put you on the t.v. show "what not to wear"
*never get me at school*

2. about home

*unhealthy*
*dirty*
*you don't keep it clean
*i hate it hear!
*too gothic
*i hate you!
In my defense..My home is NOT dirty or unhealthy. it is simply an old home, circa 1920, with a clawfoot tub and all







DS complains about the fact that there are cracks in the walls and on the ceilings. We've repaired them and it never lasts. I thought the note was funny, thought I'd share. He thinks I dress in an 'unorthadox' fashion...I tend to be _sort of_ gothic in my look, not to the extreme, but I tone myself way down when in his presence. I also am told that I look and dress much younger than my age (40)

I am not making light of his concerns, simply trying to find some humor in a painful situation


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Well this is all normal and it has NOTHING to do with you.

Many pre-teens want their peers to believe that they are fully functioning autonomous individuals who were hatched from eggs...unfertalized eggs sent to earth by space aliens.

So OF COURSE your child is going to be embarrased. Your very EXISTENCE, on some level, is embarassing because it remind him that he is not quite what he would like to pretend.

Please consider reading "Get out of my life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the Mall." by Anthony Wolf. It will do your attitude a world of good.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

What a funny title







I'll check it out







thanks.

I had a bad night last night, my feelings were really hurt even though I KNOW it is normal. I just thought we would have a different relationship. I'll try to relax a bit


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Kelly,
My BF is going through this with his daughter. She's turning 14 in a couple of weeks, and lives with her mom about 1500 miles away. She comes up in the summer and on school vacations, and they used to talk a couple of times a week, but as she's gotten older she doesn't return his calls or emails, and when he does reach her she's with friends. She doesn't share her feelings as much as she used to. And when she's here - she hates his house ("it's too messy, the kitchen is bad, the cabinets should be replaced, etc."), his clothes, his car. She hasn't gone so far as to write him a note about it, though.









I try to explain to him that it's her age, and normal for her to pull away from him (and her mom) as she's grows up, but it is obviously painful. I don't think I spoke to my father when I was that age and we lived in the same house.

You seem very "hip"







would I think would just make it worse for your son, especially if he is feeling awkward as he grows.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Kelly,
My BF is going through this with his daughter. She's turning 14 in a couple of weeks, and lives with her mom about 1500 miles away. She comes up in the summer and on school vacations, and they used to talk a couple of times a week, but as she's gotten older she doesn't return his calls or emails, and when he does reach her she's with friends. She doesn't share her feelings as much as she used to. And when she's here - she hates his house ("it's too messy, the kitchen is bad, the cabinets should be replaced, etc."), his clothes, his car. She hasn't gone so far as to write him a note about it, though.









I try to explain to him that it's her age, and normal for her to pull away from him (and her mom) as she's grows up, but it is obviously painful. I don't think I spoke to my father when I was that age and we lived in the same house.

You seem very "hip"







would I think would just make it worse for your son, especially if he is feeling awkward as he grows.









the 'cabinets' thing reminds me so much of my son. I wondered if my youthfulness and playfulness was hindering my DS's comfort level..It's not like I will start wearing sweats everyday and completely change who I am









I can see that it is normal, it just took me by surprise...His letter to me was hysterical, though I feel guilty for thinking it is funny...I mean, those *are* his concerns and I should take them seriously


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.

When my friend and I were 16 or so, I went to visit her in California and we wanted to go to the "cool" coffee shop but we needed her dad to drive us. He drove us in his Aries K car (I don't even know why he had that, it was the kind where the horn was on the turn signal lever), and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

So, it never really ends.


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## greenhaven (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

ROFL! Some day our kids will lighten up! We have always taught our kids to be able to laugh at themselves...it's an important skill for all of us!


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## mlsantarem (May 4, 2004)

No real words of wisdom just reminds me of a Mark Twain quote

`When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.´


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz*
> Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.


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## Linda in OZ (Sep 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenhaven* 
ROFL! Some day our kids will lighten up! We have always taught our kids to be able to laugh at themselves...it's an important skill for all of us!










When I take my boys 12 and 8 grocery shopping, I threaten to hold their hands if they start running amok or I will do my best "lost my false teeth" impression and chase after them yelling "give your mother a kiss" We all end up in hysterics and hey it makes a boring shopping trip fun.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I was so embarassed of my mom at 12. I remember picking out my mom's clouthes on parent teacher conference day (and all her clouthes were within the realm of "normal," so there was no logical reason for it).

But I was never embarssed of my Dad (though he was the one liable to say something shocking). Perhaps it had to do with power dynamics in the family. Perhaps just regular mother daughter stuff.

I was really embarrsed of myself. I felt "wierd" and wanting desperately to be some version of tv normal and projected that on my mom. In high school I felt more comfortable about myself, found a close group of friends, and embassmesnt over my mom completely stopped. My mom annoyed me, but she no longer embarassed me. In the end it was all about me and had nothing to do with my mom.


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## glendora (Jan 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.

When my friend and I were 16 or so, I went to visit her in California and we wanted to go to the "cool" coffee shop but we needed her dad to drive us. He drove us in his Aries K car (I don't even know why he had that, it was the kind where the horn was on the turn signal lever), and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

So, it never really ends.

OOH. My best friend's dad went to the grocery store in overalls with no shirt, a trucker's cap, and mismatched flip-flops just to embarrass us.

And, yeah... it was embarrassing... but it was also hilarious. At some point we became more embarrassed _for him_ than about him.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK* 







I remember being so upset that my dad wore socks with his sandals, now my son thinks I look 'unorthadox' (his words)

Yes, it is acceptable if you fit some TV version of MOM, but the slighhtest deviation (and there will inevitably be a deviation) results in horror. It is worse for the unorthodox. My mom was an aging hippie in a town where there were no hippies. Our house was nothing like my friend's houses. It was terrible in jr. high, then in high school, when I felt more secure with myself, my "wierd" family suddenly became my "interesting" family Close friends and a good boyfriend helped (cause I felt so accepted).

Jr. high is just a tough time socially.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Though my oldest is not quite there yet, I can begin to see the signs that she is. (she's almost 9) Previous things that used to make her laugh, now she says, "Um... you're weird mom." So its coming!









The thing that helps me, is to really think back to my own childhood. I can remember being very embarrassed by my grandmother (she raised me) She dressed in checkered shirts, and always smelled like cow dung since we lived on a farm.







I was embarrassed of our house, and how she cleaned or didn't clean. Our yard. Everything!

The oddest thing is, we all lived on a farm in that area so she and our house weren't odd to other people. Just to me.









Years later after she passed away, I still have pangs of feeling guilty about being embarrassed. Even though I know its a totally natural thing that happens to all children as they grow up and move into becoming more of their own person.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
He's 12? Then it IS your job to embarrass your son. The most embarrassing thing a 12-year-old can have is a caring, involved parent.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blue Dragonfly* 
My girlfriend is going through this with her daughter, and I think she is the best mom ever.

Someone reminded her that children act out most with the parent they feel the most safe with. Like toddlers and their temper tantrums.

Hugs mama!











Also, it's normal for adolescent boys to want a male role model, more so than for adolescent girls. Calling Dad a lot, and not calling you from Dad's place, has a lot more to do with him being an adolescent boy than it has to do with your parenting or even how close you are to him.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Just wanted to share-- my mother embarrassed me today! I had an OB appointment (I know, a midwife would be more MDC but I'm high-risk and this OB practices w/ a group of midwives) and she talked the doctor's ear off with long anecdotes. So, OP, if you really cultivate it, you can continue to embarrass your son well into adulthood.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I think he's a little confused about his role in life. I don't think anyone's kid has the right or the obligation to patrol his mother's choice of clothing, approval or disapproval. He's narrowed in on that and your home because they are _your buttons_. In the same way that a toddler whose mother hates screams, he screams, and the pre-schooler whose mother is OCD about dirt, he makes mudpies. Your son knows that you've got a vulnerability there because it hurts. He probably gets a lot of "correction" in his life and wants to make other people feel that burn, too. But that doesn't make it okay to hurt you on purpose.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
if you really cultivate it, you can continue to embarrass your son well into adulthood.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I was never embarassed by my parents. Im not sure how i would handle my own kids being embarrassed by me. Normal or not, I'd let them know i didnt like it....is this a school thing? Do homeschoolers automatically get embarrassed by their family?


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

On a similar topic, this post came up. I tend to agree with this.



Dar said:


> Have you tried to pin down exactly what it is that embarrasses her? It could be something that seems really minor to you, like that she thinks you have a weird laugh or your husband wears unusual neckties. Some kids that age really have that "invisible audience" thing, where at some level they believe that the whole world is attuned to every little thing they do. Could you negotiate with her? Maybe start by saying that you suspect that you or your husband is inadvertantly doing something that embarrasses her, and that you won't get upset with her if she tells you what bothers her, so you could try to find a solution that works for everyone.
> 
> And if she really is that embarrassed by something you're doing, I would be concerned that she's so dependant on others' perceptions of her, and maybe think of ways to help her become less peer-oriented.
> 
> dar


Quoted from a similar thread-
http://www.mothering.com/forum/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=8299131


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

BelovedK said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by *lolar2*
> _if you really cultivate it, you can continue to embarrass your son well into adulthood._


Ha, my Mom managed to embarrass me and dd1 at the same time last week! Maybe in another decade or so she can try for 3 generations. Shoot for the stars, Mom!

In my experience homeschoolers aren't exempt. Maybe a bit less because they're all around each others' parents more, but we still have the power of embarassment. Mwahahaha.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

I don't think homeschoolers are immune, but I think it's less common. Why? Because homeschooled teens tend to be less immersed in a peer-oriented environment and therefore less likely to think their entire well-being depends on how cool other teens think they are. And because they have grown up in families where, by virtue of their unconventional educational choice, conformity is clearly not seen as the most important value. 

My kids (age 12-21 now) and I have a sort of running contest with respect to embarrassing each other in public. We're usually a little bit subtle, but we take delight in creating awkward situations and fleeting bits of weirdness that leave other people snickering quietly or wondering whether they actually heard or saw what they thought they did. We simply worship eccentricity in our family, though! 

Miranda


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