# Do you agree with gender specific birthday parties and if so, from what age?



## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

This issue has just come up in our family. Ds (4) has been left out of an all girls party. The birthday girl is his 'best friend'. I'm surprised that this has come up so soon and also, I'm surprised how strongly I feel about it now my kid is the one being left out. I used to think it was a sensible way to keep the numbers under control but now I think it's teaching kids that it's ok to exclude based on gender. I just can't fathom allowing my kid to leave his friends out of his party based on something that is outwith their control. And, for the record, ds loves all things princess and sparkly so its not that he wouldnt enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what others experiences and thoughts are.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Up until this week, DS (4) has been excluded from all the girls' parties in his class. He has been invited to all the boys' parties, some of which included the whole class and some included only the boys. Unless it's a really small class, or everyone there really are friends, I don't agree with inviting the entire class just to avoid excluding anyone (unless there's only one child not considered a "friend" and then that's different) and I don't agree with exclusion based on gender (or race, or anything else like that). Birthday parties are for celebrating with FRIENDS, whoever they are. If you're not a friend, you're not invited.

I'm sure someone will point out the error of my thinking here, but I do agree that it seems wrong to exclude a real friend just b/c of gender.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

We've done all girls parties several times and we've done the whole class parties several times. We're doing another all girls party soon (for my dd2's 8th b-day) mainly because my dd2 is not friends with the boys in her class. This is a new school for her and she hasn't known many of the boys for very long and hasn't connected with any of them. She did invite all the girls in her class, though, since she enjoys playing with most of them. I had to encourage her to invite ALL the girls. She initially wanted to leave 2 girls out and I just couldn't see doing that. She also invited several friends that she doesn't go to school with. The party is at a public place.

If my child was friends with one or two boys in particular I might encourage her to invite her boy friends, but since she isn't friends with the boys it's a nice arbitrary cut off. I don't like exclusion (hence strongly encouraging her to invite the two girls she wanted to leave out), but it's her birthday party and I don't want to make her invite people she's not friends with. It seems like I struggle with this every year. I think I am just not a natural party mama.

I think it may be that parents who exclude a kid of the opposite gender who is a friend are doing so in an effort to draw the line somewhere because their child doesn't want to invite the other kids of that gender who they are not close friends with. It's hard to figure it out sometimes.

I like mixed gender parties, but really I like small parties, and that's hard to accomplish without leaving someone out.

ETA: As far as teaching gender exclusion, it's common developmentally, that boys play with boys and girls play with girls. Of course, there is some mixed gender play, which is great. However, if you have a child who does not have friends of the opposite gender, should you "make" them invite kids (who are not their friends) of the opposite gender just for the sake of not teaching gender exclusion?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter usually has both boys and girls at her parties, but she has had all-girl parties. Most parties of kids older than about 4 are gender specific around here. Even at 4, they're often "princess parties" with only girls all dressed in princess dresses. I suppose if a girl wanted one of these princess parties she might only invite friends who are girls even if she often played with boys as well. She wouldn't necessarily ask the boys ahead of time if they'd want to go to a princess party.

I'd get used to your ds not getting invited to every birthday party for every friend though. Parties are expensive and people can't afford to invite everyone. He'll have a hard time if he feels personally excluded every time he doesn't get invited to a party. He will also find himself in the position of having 8 really good friends and only being able to invite 5 somewhere.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I don't agree with it. I think it's _really_ weird, TBH. It just so happens that all my friends in elementary school were girls -- so in my case, yeah, I just invited girls, because I had no boy friends. But my sister had a 50/50 mix of boy & girl friends (some years almost all boys, actually), why on earth would she exclude her good friends just because they were male???

And now, my 2.5yo DS has all female friends. He would be devastated to be excluded from a party because it was 'girls only' and I can't imagine any of his friends doing that. He doesn't care if he's the only boy at a gathering. But so far we have only been to parties for up to age 5, maybe this will change in a few years...

Basically, I believe that kids should invite their friends, whoever that may be, regardless of race/religion/gender/etc. I also believe that if the kid is part of a group (class, close group of friends, kids in a mom's group, whatever) that an effort should be made to avoid excluding just one or two kids in that group. So don't invite 9 of the 10 kids and leave the last one out, either invite all 10 or just pick the 2-3 closest to celebrate with if you don't have room for everyone.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

I hate the gender exclusion thing. Milo is 8 and I have seen very little of it in his play. When I have seen it, it's been when a new kid is added to the mix and it usually doesn't last long. I think I got lucky because the parents of the kids we tend to hang out with aren't big on gender-izing in general. None of the girls we know are super girly, or they will show up to playgroup one day in something pink and frilly and the next in jeans and a tee shirt. We used to have a very close friend who was very much into the pink princess barbie cr*p and her dd was all about princesses all the time, but Milo was much younger then and loved this little girl and was completely thrilled to dress up with her and walk around in her high heels. If she had had a princess party I have no doubt he would have loved it.

I've gotten lucky because Milo's been in such small classes that people usually just invite everyone. There is one kid in his class (parent?) who hasn't done this and they've left out Milo every year (these kids have all been together for four years now) and now all of the sudden this kid and Milo are like best friends. I don't necessarily think that everybody needs to invite everybody to their party, but I do think Milo has bonded with kids he wouldn't have otherwise if he wasn't going to parties with them. And he and this kid would probably have liked each other all along if they were more open. It would be different if it was a class of 30, but their class is really small. I think it's always been between 11 and 15.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I think I got lucky because the parents of the kids we tend to hang out with aren't big on gender-izing in general.


And our situation is that we happen to be friends with families that have girls. Both dd1 and dd2 closest friends are all girls, either only children or with little sisters. The girls and parents aren't big on gender-izing either, but they just haven't made a close connection with any boys. They're not super frilly, but are not particularly rowdy and are fond of imaginative play primarily. In preschool dd1 had a boy friend who liked those sorts of things, but he went on to a different school. A lot of the boys they've been in contact with do like more physical play. My girls would, I think, be up for playing their kind of games with boys, but not so much for changing their play just so they could play with boys. Give it some time and I'm sure it will change.

FWIW, I was a total tomboy as a kid and one of my closest friends when I was little was the son of my mom's good friend down the street. He was a year younger, though, so when we got to school he wasn't in my classes.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think four is a little young for this type of party but I don't see a problem with them. My DD went to her first all girls party last year, second grade, and had an almost all girls party this year. The only boy was her friend she has known since she was two. My DD hangs out mostly with girls so it is a non-issue for us. It sucks to be left out but it is something kids work through for a variety of reasons beyond gender. This probably won't be the only party he isn't invited to and at least this way you have an explanation for why he couldn't go so you can spare his feelings.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Around here, it seems to start about 8-9, depending on the type of birthday party and who the kids' friends are. Kids who have sleepovers have gender specific parties. When ds wanted to go bowling for his 10th birthday, we invited both boys and girls. When dd wanted to go swimming for her 7th birthday, we invited boys and girls. When she was in Kindergarten, she didn't have many boys to invite, and so invited only girls.

Ds was invited to a few parties at age 7-8 where he was the only boy, and it was a little awkward for him (at one point in time, the girls were trying to get a girl to kiss him -- the mom put a stop to that ASAP, but it reduced his enthusiasm for parties with girls a lot).

IMO, 4 is too young for gendered birthday parties. There's nothing that 4 year olds usually want to do that needs to be gender specific, IMO.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

I tend to think that gender-specific parties are just an easy way to keep guest numbers down without anyone feeling hurt or excluded. Sure...it's easy to say "just invite your friends" but that can get complicated when a child has different groups of friends (ie. neighborhood friends, school friends, church friends, scout friends etc.) and then you get into situations like "if we invite these neighbors, then we need to invite those neighbors" or "if we invite these 3 girls from our girl scout troop then we really should invite the 4th", Add siblings of guests that may or may not need to come along and things can get very complicated.

We do birthday parties every year and every year I majorly stress over the guest list. You think I would learn by now now to have them, but my kids love having a birthday party with their friends. We've done all girl parties and we've done mixed-gender parties. I do find that all-girl ones are a bit easier to manage (due to smaller numbers) and easier to find activities that everyone likes.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I don't have a problem with it. Even if the OP's DS plays really well with the girl, he could be the only boy that she would want to invite and then that could be awkward so they could be faced with inviting more boys that the DD may not want there or making it girls only. DD1's class at school only has 2 girls in it out of 15 kids. She isn't invited to most birthday parties even though all the boys like her. Her birthday is coming up soon and I gave her the choice of a class party or inviting the one girl out to go bowling, she choose the one girl over having a party. DD2 turned 5 last month and she wanted to only invite her girls from her class which I did veto because her class only has 2 boys in it (I know talk about gender imbalance at the school!) but then I felt like I had invite more boys because there was no telling if both boys would show up so then I opened the party up to all siblings since a lot of the girls had boy siblings.







Party planning gets crazy sometimes.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.

There are 25 kids in my sons class. 15 boys. There is just no way that my DH and I, both who have to take an afternoon off work, can watch 25 6 year olds. So we did boys only. It was overwhelming enough with the 13 boys who showed up. This year they were mostly 7 years, and only 12 boys, and that one year made a big difference in maturity. But no, I can't do 25 kids at once at that age by myself.

DD just turned 5, and she wanted an all girl party. She only has 12 in her kindergarten, and here the teachers also come, so it could have easily been the whole class. But she is mostly friends with the girls and this was what she wanted.


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AllisonR*
> 
> The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.


I think it's a bit strange for the school to dictate who to invite and who not to... I mean, it's your party, kwim? Say you can only manage six kids- say you're of the mentality that you only invite the number of kids as the kid's age. How would that work? Only allowed to invite family?

I hate the gender role dividing line. My kids are having a birthday party next month. Of the 8 invited, 5 are boys, and 3 are girls. The party is for two girls...


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Thanks for all the feedback. I actually agree that girl or boy only parties are fine when the child doesn't have friends of the opposite gender. In our case, however, DS is mostly friends with girls. He wouldn't even notice if he was the only boy at a party. It's happened several times. The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him. He would still say she is his best friend however. He doesn't know anything about this and I'm not going to tell him if i can help it. I love that he doesn't see any limitations of gender yet and I want him to keep enjoying friends for who they are, not their gender. I'm just sad that its even an issue at his age.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Boot*
> 
> This issue has just come up in our family. Ds (4) has been left out of an all girls party. The birthday girl is his 'best friend'. I'm surprised that this has come up so soon and also, I'm surprised how strongly I feel about it now my kid is the one being left out. I used to think it was a sensible way to keep the numbers under control but now I think it's teaching kids that it's ok to exclude based on gender. I just can't fathom allowing my kid to leave his friends out of his party based on something that is outwith their control. And, for the record, ds loves all things princess and sparkly so its not that he wouldnt enjoy it.
> 
> Anyway, I'm just wondering what others experiences and thoughts are.


I'm a bit anti birthday party. Dd hasn't had a party since she was 3 years old.

I feel that children should have the people they truly want at their party rather than who is in their class. I think the idea that you must invite everyone you know is more problematic than a single gender party. I feel that a lot of kids would enjoy spending their birthday with one or two good friends or just family and skipping a big party every year but because everyone else has a party they must reciprocate. I would think kids wouldn't really separate by gender until they were at least 6 or 7 years old. I wouldn't hesitate to invite boys and girls to the same party. There are plenty of activities and themes that would appeal to all children.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Boot*
> *The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him.*


I suspect that this is more the issue than a 'gender specific' party. It's sad when friends grow apart, but it does happen. The boy who was ds' good neighborhood friend last year essentially dropped him completely this fall. While I wasn't all that sad (the boy is 12 to ds' 10, and puberty is not improving him), it was hard on ds.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AllisonR*
> 
> The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful.


I don't agree with you that it's rude and hurtful to only invite your friends to your birthday parties. My dd has 20 kids in her class and usually invites about 4-5 of them to her party (the ones she considers her closest friends), and also invites family friends, neighbours, etc. I do think it is rude and hurtful to leave out just one kid, or invite all the girls but one, or that kind of thing. But I don't feel like there's anything inherently wrong in inviting only the handful of classmates who you are actually good friends with. FWIW we always make an effort to be discreet with invitations, either calling or emailing the invitee, or (if we don't have their phone number or email address) slipping them an invitation at school but trying to keep it "under the radar". In kindergarten we could put invitations in dd's bag and the teacher would take them out and distribute them to the other kids' bags without anyone else knowing about it.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
> 
> I suspect that this is more the issue than a 'gender specific' party. It's sad when friends grow apart, but it does happen.


I had the same thought... maybe if they were still just as close, she would have invited him regardless of gender, but this works as a good 'excuse' since they are now growing apart...


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## MamaMunchkin (Feb 3, 2011)

As several PPs alluded, there seem to be 2 issues - not being invited and gender-specific party.

Gender-specific party:

For a few bdays DD wanted just girls - at the end of the day, it's her bday, so I let her. With respect to others, I don't second guess why/how others come up with the invite list - partly just lazy, I don't want to think about it. But also, ultimately, it's their party, their resources, they get to do what they wish - I truly don't want to be the arbiter on how others should throw a party.

Not being invited:

Same rationale - I really don't want to know how/why they invite whomever - life is short, the clock is ticking, and all that. DD has been all over the map of being invited/excluded, not inviting/excluding etc. No, I didn't like it when she vehemently refused to invite this one kid from her class - we ended up negotiating about it. And, yes, it hurt DD when she found out not being invited. But all in all, things blew over pretty quickly. It probably bothered me longer than it did her ... 

One thing I've learnt, at least for my DD, she picked up cues from me in terms on how to respond. If I don't make it a big deal - in most cases, she won't make it a big deal either.

In terms of at what age bday parties get complicated - I suspect it basically starts at whatever age bday parties start. Around here, that'd be around 3-4 yrs old, when lots of kids go to preschool.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't automatically dislike gender specific parties. If the child wants an all girls or all boys party, and won't be shutting out any close friends, then it makes total sense to me. However, it's kind of upsetting when someone has one because a parents wants them to, and they end up unable to invite a close friend. (I actually remember ds1 going to one of his first birthday parties with a classmate. She was one of his two best friends, both girls, and ds1 was the only boy there.) I've always had mixed parties, partly because I always invite the siblings (so dd1 and ds2 will both be there), and the cousins, who are a mix of boys and girls. DD1 is showing signs of possibly wanting an all girls party next year. We'll see what happens...

Four seems awfully young to be having gender specific parties, at least to me.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i third that this is more about growing apart than anything else.

where gender is concerned - really is it all about gender? sometimes i dont think it is and we tend to slap on the 'gender eyes' when it really isnt.

it helps that at our house we have a lot of 'parties'. dd is an extremely social child and feeds off others. having people around her makes her happy.

her absolute best friend is a boy. but hse has her clicque of girls too. so when she wants to do girlie things she has a party for that without making her bf feel left out.

i really do think - this growing apart has everything to do with personality - not necessarily about gender. dd has grown apart from her few other boy friends she's had over the years. but her bf is beyond being just her friend. he is family and so are his family. personality wise they compliment each other even though their likes and dislikes are 180 degrees polar opposites.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Boot*
> 
> Thanks for all the feedback. I actually agree that girl or boy only parties are fine when the child doesn't have friends of the opposite gender. In our case, however, DS is mostly friends with girls. He wouldn't even notice if he was the only boy at a party. It's happened several times. The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him. He would still say she is his best friend however. He doesn't know anything about this and I'm not going to tell him if i can help it. I love that he doesn't see any limitations of gender yet and I want him to keep enjoying friends for who they are, not their gender. I'm just sad that its even an issue at his age.


This would really bother me. If it was my kid having the b'day and they wanted a gender specific party that excluded a very close old friend (even if in a new class, yada, yada) I would really encourage them to rethink that. At four, it is probably the parents rather than the kid who's behind it anyway. But even if I wanted to only choose a few friends -- like if I didn't have the money to feed dozens or whatever -- to me, how my kid views things like gender is *really* important and I would find some other way to whittle down the numbers. From what I've seen as a parent (ie, the different social groups of children we've known) I believe that the gender dichotomy thing that is supposed to be so natural comes from the parents and it has upset me so much when I've seen my ds touched by that, not so much because he's being excluded, but because I'll be really bummed the day I hear him say "no girls allowed" or some such. At 8 years old, I think he is in the thick of that time of life that it's supposed to happen.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

We didn't start the all girl's parties until about age 8 or 9-ish. That was when we began doing the circle of hell which is called Slumber parties. But, we still did something special with the boys in her friend group.

Although, I would have given her whatever kind of party she wanted. If that was an all girl party, I probably would have said "sure".


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

By the time they were in school, I left the invitation list for DC to decide. I'm not fond of gender-specific parties, but I didn't prohibit them either, if that was DC's choice. Some years they invited a mix of girls and boys, some years it was gender specific. Once they were middle school age, most of the parties were mixed. By the time they were in high school, they usually had smaller, special celebrations (eg. an excursion to a play or concert) with a friend or two, rather than a party.

At 4 y.o., it seems a little odd to have a gender specific party, but perhaps the parents are using it as a way to control the guest list. It is hurtful to be left off the list, I feel for your little one.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AllisonR*
> 
> The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.


I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension?

It seems terribly heavy-handed and interfering in a family's private lives. I can't imagine any "authority" telling me how to host a party in my own home. Most of our parties had 8 or 10 guests. There have been some disappointments, not only kids who didn't get invited to my dc's parties, but also when my dc weren't invited to classmates' parties. So yes, it was hurtful, to an extent, but nothing that wasn't manageable with some sensitivity and guidance on the part of the parents. It really isn't reasonable to expect a family to host 25 children at a party.

Rude, no, not really, unless the children themselves were rude in a "You aren't coming to my party, na na na" kind of way. In which case, I'm pretty sure those brats were rude in all sorts of other situations in class and on the playground too. I'll bet they would indulge in rude behaviour at their parties, even if they invited everyone to be there.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

People have such vastly different ideas about birthday party etiquette. I figure the only thing I really have control over is how I teach my children to respond to the myriad birthday situations they'll encounter in their childhood, so we treat parties very casually from the beginning, making it clear that people's routines and circumstances change from year to year and family to family, and that even close friends might change the way they do things sometimes, and that's okay. So far my kids haven't expressed more than slight disappointment at not being invited to a party, and they haven't questioned the veracity of a friendship or anything over it.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

That's a pretty common school "rule." If you don't want to do it that way, you just don't have the invitations passed out at school.

DD's going to be five in February. Her best school buddy is a boy. She'd be crushed if she wasn't able to invite him. Her Pre-K program doesn't have a rule (that I know of) but since I'm passing out the invitations at school, we'll invite everyone (all 14 or 15 children.) She's only one of three girls in her class so it would be a small party if we limited it to just girls, anyway.

DS (and DD and I) went to a school friend's b-day party last weekend. The whole class was invited (it was at the park) and it went well. The kids are in first grade so it's not like you need to supervise them as closely as you do when they are little. He'll probably invite the whole class.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *WindyCityMom*
> 
> I think it's a bit strange for the school to dictate who to invite and who not to... I mean, it's your party, kwim? Say you can only manage six kids- say you're of the mentality that you only invite the number of kids as the kid's age. How would that work? Only allowed to invite family?
> 
> I hate the gender role dividing line. My kids are having a birthday party next month. Of the 8 invited, 5 are boys, and 3 are girls. The party is for two girls...


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree*
> 
> I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension?
> 
> ...


The way this plays out at our school is that the children learn to keep their mouths quiet about parties. It isn't against the rules to have a party and not invite everyone, but one cannot hand out invitations at school unless everyone is getting one. Kids aren't allowed to by nasty about parties. Children breaking the rules would be called in for a conference with their parents and the policy would be explained.

It's easy to say that kids shouldn't be hurt, but the truth is that it is often the same kids who are excluded over and over because their behavior is such that the other children don't like them. There isn't any reason for those children, who are already struggling socially, to have it in their faces.

If your kids doesn't get invited to every party of every child they've ever met, it's not personal. It's just the parents trying to keep the parties sane. But there are some kids who in spite of knowing many children, never get invited. Being in the special needs community, I see it, and for the some of the kids who understand they are being excluded, it is extremely hurtful.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> People have such vastly different ideas about birthday party etiquette. I figure the only thing I really have control over is how I teach my children to respond to the myriad birthday situations they'll encounter in their childhood, so we treat parties very casually from the beginning, making it clear that people's routines and circumstances change from year to year and family to family, and that even close friends might change the way they do things sometimes, and that's okay. So far my kids haven't expressed more than slight disappointment at not being invited to a party, and they haven't questioned the veracity of a friendship or anything over it.


I think you are very wise, and I'm sure that your mellow attitude about the whole thing is helpful for your children. When we, the parents, read more into this stuff than exist, I believe we do our kids a disservice.

I'm still confused about the title of this thread. I don't see what there is to agree or disagree with about how another parent does a birthday party. We've had a few hurt feelings at our house over the years, and my kids lived to tell the tale. One of my children is much more likely to take it to heart than the other, and so I can see how the impact can really vary from kid to kid, regardless of how the parent handles it.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I'm still confused about the title of this thread. I don't see what there is to agree or disagree with about how another parent does a birthday party. We've had a few hurt feelings at our house over the years, and my kids lived to tell the tale. One of my children is much more likely to take it to heart than the other, and so I can see how the impact can really vary from kid to kid, regardless of how the parent handles it.


Hmmm.. I thought the title of the thread was clear but since I'm not American I could be using an unfamiliar idiom. I mean 'do you agree with' in the sense of 'where do you stand on' or 'what do you think of'. I was looking for people's personal opinions and experiences. I didn't mean 'do you agree with me that other parents shouldn't have gender specific parties'. Hope that's clears up your confusion.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree*
> 
> *I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension? *
> 
> ...


Yes, they are given an F in class and a royal beating and then thrown out of the school while stones are thrown at them. Geez. Different people live in different cultures, with different rules and different social etiquette. How it works: kids go to class until 12 or 1. From that time until 5 is an after school program called SFO - which is at the school. If you have a party during the SFO, which most parents do, you come to the SFO to pick up all the kids. So kids would see right then that they were being excluded. And since a class can be up to 26 kids and some parents can't manage so many, they are given the option to have the whole class or just boys/girls. Some opt out entirely and just bring in a cake to school, though most have a gender specific party. Now if the same parent had a party on Saturday or Sunday or evening, then of course they would invite whomever they felt like. And after a certain age, kids can be discreet about it. Though in DD and DS case, I don't know too many 4-6 yo who can.

To answer your question - the parents committee sends a reminder email at the beginning of the year with that info, as well as a bunch of other stuff. If a parent "hand-plucks" then another email reminder may be sent out, or the parents would be asked not to hand-pluck because it is hurtful to those that are excluded.

Big private parties are not well-known here, people generally just have the school party, or have a very small party with immediate family and close friends.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The way this plays out at our school is that the children learn to keep their mouths quiet about parties. It isn't against the rules to have a party and not invite everyone, but one cannot hand out invitations at school unless everyone is getting one. Kids aren't allowed to by nasty about parties. Children breaking the rules would be called in for a conference with their parents and the policy would be explained.
> 
> ...


I'm not convinced gender specific parties do much to alleviate that. DD was invited to four all girl parties this fall. Two of the girls are also friends to ds2. We've had days of crying, and thinking he's a loser and jerk and nobody likes him. The fact that the parties were girls only made no difference at all. His sister was invited. He wasn't. End of story. In fact, the rule kind of backfires in some cases, because explaining "oh, I know that girl isn't a good friend of T's, and you are a good friend of T's, but you're a boy" isn't going to make a kid feel any better.

I was invited to a couple of parties in school that, looking back, I'm pretty sure i was only invited to because the parents had some variant on the "all the kids/girls" rule. They weren't fun. Sure - being invited toa party is great. But, if the kids who are there don't like you, it's going to show...and if they're going to be exclusionary, they'll find a way to do it, and all the well-meant rules in the world won't change that.

I hate that rule. I'm really glad ds1's school didn't have it. And, I don't see it as rude for a kid to invite his/her friends to his/her birthday party. Yes - it can be done in a very rude way, but that can't be eliminated with rules.


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## Spring Lily (Sep 26, 2006)

This topic is so strange to me, but maybe I just haven't run across it yet. I've only heard of parties where kids invite their friends, some of which may be all one gender. I haven't heard of all-girls or all-boys parties, except for slumber parties. My oldest is 5, so maybe that's part of it. Also, our schools haven't had any party rules.

I sure hope this doesn't come up, because I have boy/girl twins and party invites based on gender could cause some seriously hurt feelings.







It would be difficult for me not to be upset at the parent for excluding someone for something so trivial.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

Same issue here. At 3, everyone got a party invitie. At 4, the boys all invite everyone but some of the girls are having girls-only parties. Some fo the boys are very sad because they are the same ones that play with the girls all the time. As a parent, I don't really understand it. Why much a four year old boy be excluded. If they are just trying to reduce the numbers, that makes it even worse. Kids talk about parties all the time at preschool.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree*
> 
> I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension?


I suspect the policy is actually that invitations may not be handed out in class unless all kids, all girls or all boys (respectively) are invited. That's how our pre/elementary schools handled this issue. I think that's fair enough.


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

I don't have a problem with it if regular friends aren't excluded. But the fact that your son is her BFF makes it not OK. FWIW, when my twin boys were 4, they were invited to a princess party for their best girl friend. They were the only boys there and they got to be knights. There are ways to include boys if the mom wants to. I think it's a shame she let this happen.

That said, last year, at age 9, was the first time girls weren't invited to my sons parties. My dd, for some reason, loves hanging out with her brothers, but has never had a good friend who's a boy. It's weird because my boys were each good friends with girls and had many playdates with girls. But my dd's not. interested. at. all. So she never invites boys. But I don't think there's anyone out there who cares.


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