# guests asked to pay for the birthday party?!?



## jake&zaxmom (May 12, 2004)

Please confirm for me that this is VERY unusual/tacky...

My kids are good friends with my niece's step-son, Marshall. We received invitations to his party for Feb. 9th at Chuck E. Cheese at 6:00pm. My sons are excited and counting the days until we go.

My niece called to see if we were coming. I told her that we were looking forward to it and asked her for some birthday gift suggestions. Then she mentioned that the party will cost $10.99 per child. At first, I just thought that she was complaining about how expensive kids' parties can be but...NO! She expects the parents of the guests to pay for their portion of the party cost. I was speechless. I have never, ever heard of such a thing. We have already accepted the invitations and the boys are looking forward to it so we will definitely go, but I am







:

First, it includes 2 slices of pizza. Since it is a dinner time party, I KNOW that my boys will want more than that. I guess I will feed them a bit before the party because I think it would cause problems with the other kids if I ordered something extra for just my kids.

We have decided to buy the birthday boy a DVD that he has wanted for a long time for his present. It costs $15-$20 depending on where I can find it locally. It will cost us about $40 to attend this party!!

We combine our boys' parties each year into a "Brother Bash" We join forces with my parents to supply cake, ice cream, lunch, treat bags and last year even had an ice cream truck come to the house, park in the driveway and we paid for everyone's treats that they chose. Our budget isn't that large every year,of course, but I can't imagine charging the guests!

I think one should do what one can afford. There is no shame in cake and ice cream for a few friends at home.

Your thoughts????


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I think it's EXTREMELY tacky to have guests pay for their own meal. When you invite somebody to a party, you're feeding them. Otherwise, it's "let's all get together at a restaurant" not "I'm inviting you and I'm the host/ess".

I'd go with a very inexpensive gift. Normally, the host pays for the party and the guests bring gifts that sort-of offset the cost of the party. You were planning to spend about $20 for your boys to attend the party- since you'll be spending that just to attend, I wouldn't spend more than about $1 on the gift itself.


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## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

I've never heard of asking guests to pay for their child's portion at a party. I think it is very tacky. I wonder if she is doing this because you are family and she somehow thinks it is ok to ask that of you, or if she is asking all guests. In any case, it she is asking everyone, it should have been on the invitation, and parents could choose to participate or not based on that, similar to a potluck party.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

When we do the kids B-day parties with family everyone buys their own Pizza and such (we are 45 + when we all get together) but we pay for any guest that we invite. So we still pay for the "kids" b-day party. But ours are more a family get together with added friends from school.

I would probably still but the more expensive gift if I could swing it as it is not the kids fault that mom is tacky. But if you cant then you cant. Besides it is supposed to be more important that you are able to attend not just what you bring.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Yes, it's tacky. As far as the overall expense in terms of attending, I would not feel pressured to spend more than I could afford.

However, I wouldn't want the child to suffer for the parents' behavior, so if I could afford it, I would not skimp on the birthday present. As always, I'd try to find the gift he'd enjoy the most within my price range.


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## J's Mombee (Aug 21, 2006)

:, ok, its tacky.

Last year, I was a SAHM, and DH worked at a crappy job until he found his current positon. I wanted to take DS to Sesame Place for his Bday, because I could not afford a party. A lot of people asked if they could come, and I said yes, and told them a price







:. Most people didn't show up, and I didn't care, bc I had a blast with DS. My friend's husband called me tacky (through my now ex-friend (our relationship did not end over this though)).

I explained that I could not afford the $44 for every person over 2 years of age. I wanted to have a party there, and I would have supplied cake and food, but I could not afford to get the people into the park. So, I never called it a party, but I guess it was still tacky.

So, maybe your neice can't afford to pay for everyone. I couldn't, but it was tacky none the less.

Sorry.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Very tacky. I am astonished.


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)

LJ's Momma--I don't think what you did was tacky. They invited themselves, and $44 a person!! I can't believe anyone would expect you to pay that!!! You did the right thing.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I agree with that too - if people invite themselves, especially if it costs that much, it's a different situation.


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## quest4mom (Nov 8, 2007)

Pretty tacky. I could see if they didn't want to pay for all the kids to play video games for hours on end, but they should be paying for the food at a bare minimum.

If they expected you to pay it should have been clearly stated on the invitation.

We've been to parties where you had to pay your own way, but it is usually when there is some fairly expensive individual cost. Like once we went to some ride-a-pony place. The family provided all the food and decorations back at there house, but if the kids wanted to go and ride the ponies they had to pay their own way. It was clearly explained on the invitation how much it would cost and when everyone would be back at the house for cake, etc. if you just wanted to meet them there. That I'm cool with.


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## annekevdbroek (Jun 5, 2005)

Tacky - as all of the other PP have noted. I would be tempted to decline the invitation and just say "Birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese are out of our budget!"

10.99 per kid is astronomical, even by Chuck E Cheese standards. We spend maybe $40 when we go for food (bad as it is) and 100 tokens. Granted, we use coupons, but still.

I am trying to imagine the thought process behind issuing an invitation such as this. Seesh.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Do you think she knows? Maybe she thinks that this is how it's done..maybe not tacky but just doesn't realise how things go.

I would call her up and tell her that I had never heard of such a thing as guests paying their own fees and I would presume the other guests hadn't either and that she might be stuck with the bill because honestly if I didn't know that the hostess expected that I might show up without any money or if I was in a bad mood anyway(which places like Chucky Cheese tend to do to me) I might just refuse.

and since it wasn't on the invitation, isn't common practice(never practiced?) then you would be actually doing her a favour.

LJ"s mommy...totally different situation. They invited themselves. tough.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LJ's Momma* 







:, ok, its tacky.

Last year, I was a SAHM, and DH worked at a crappy job until he found his current positon. I wanted to take DS to Sesame Place for his Bday, because I could not afford a party. A lot of people asked if they could come, and I said yes, and told them a price







:. Most people didn't show up, and I didn't care, bc I had a blast with DS. My friend's husband called me tacky (through my now ex-friend (our relationship did not end over this though)).

I explained that I could not afford the $44 for every person over 2 years of age. I wanted to have a party there, and I would have supplied cake and food, but I could not afford to get the people into the park. So, I never called it a party, but I guess it was still tacky.

So, maybe your neice can't afford to pay for everyone. I couldn't, but it was tacky none the less.

Sorry.

This is different. You planned to go with just your family, people wanted to join in, and you told them they could hang out with you guys but that you weren't in a position to treat them.

That is NOT the same thing as inviting a bunch of kids, not mentioning anything about paying on the invitation, and then throwing the money thing at people after they've already RSVPed and gotten their kids excited about going.

If the neice can't afford to pay for all of her guests, she could have invited fewer children or planned a less expensive party (such as homemade cake at her house.)


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

We have experienced this twice except we were not told in advance that we'd be paying to attend. We were sent invitations in the mail so it is not like we invited ourselves. We RSVP'ed as requested. Both parties were at restaurants- pizza places- at a meal time. They invited a lot of people. All guests had to buy their own food and drinks.

I found it to be incredibly rude and tacky to invite someone to a restaurant party at a meal time and expect them to pay. If they didn't have the money to feed everyone a slice of pizza then they should have had a different party time/location/size -or- at least included in the invitation that only cake was provided.

I've been to restaurant parties where a meal was only provided for children and adults paid for their own and I understand that.


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## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
Do you think she knows? Maybe she thinks that this is how it's done..maybe not tacky but just doesn't realise how things go.


This was my thought as well. Maybe she just doesn't know that 10.99 per child doesn't mean you charge the guests of the party. It is EXTREMELY tacky in the worst possible way and in case she doesn't realize, you might want to let her know before she tells more parents. Some parents can be very catty, I'd hate to think that 'those moms' would say something to their kids and your niece's son get snubbed because of it.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

WOW! Incredibly rud.
Two years ago we were invited to a Chuck E Cheese party. The closest one is in Fayetteville, about a 45 minute drive. The person who invited us was a casual acqauntance, but our girls are friends. They paid for all three of us to party at CEC! I thought that was so very cool! And we hardly knew them. We expected Kailey to be served, but not us.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

sorry. in a hurry and not paying attention to key strokes.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

_Totally_ tacky. I'm actually sitting her laughing out loud at how tacky that is. Seriously.


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

Yes. Tacky.

But, I went to a wedding once (STBXH's step-brother's - except their parents were married when the kids were in their 40's) and we actually had to pay for our own plates. It was an expensive NY wedding and it cost us $500 to attend. We also bought them a gift that cost about that much.

I was floored that we had to pay for our dinner and my MIL said, "Well, then dont' come." It was SOOOOO weird. Where I grew up, people throw whole weddings for $500 and there's always plenty of food and fun for everyone. Then it wasn't an open bar, so we had to buy our drinks too.

That was tacky.

I don't know what I'd do your situation. I'd prolly suck it up and just pay the money since they're either really hard up for cash or just don't know any better.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

you could buy a whole pizza for 10.99


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

The party host is expected to pay for invited guests. Parents, additional kids, etc expect to pay their own way.

As for whether you should say something, that depends on the closeness of your relationship. If you are close and think this person will trust that your remark is not meant in a catty way, you might mention that you were not expecting to pay because it was not mentioned on the invitation, and it was a surprise because it's unusual for a person to invite someone to a party and then expect them to pay.

If you don't have a close relationship, make your peace with whatever you decide to do and let it go.


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## roomformore (Apr 28, 2006)

What are you getting for 10.99 per child? The coupon that came in our Sunday press is for 1 large pizza, 4 drinks and 30 game tokens for 19.99. If you have to pay for your own, you might as well get more for your money. If you'd like my coupon, pm me and I'll mail it to you.


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## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

I just wanted to chime in with my opinion. SOOOOOO TACKY! I wouldn't even want to go.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

I have never heard of it. I would be shocked if I received such a request. It is not done in these parts.

There was some talk on a local board about some kind of party where you send out some kind of e-vite asking for donations for .... I don't know, it was some kind of environmentally motivated thing to cut down on birthday wrapping paper waste, and the guests were to be asked to give money, some of which was so the birthday child could have one larger present selected by his parents.

And I think my reply was, well I'm never going to feel good about doing that. I am not supposed to presume the attendee will bring a gift. I hope for the pleasure of their company only.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

No way. The host(ess) pays. I woull agree with the pp that you might call her and ask her and say that people dont expect that etc. If you dont feel comfortable w/ that I would seriously get the child a coloring book and crayons from the dollar store. Not to be mean, but there is just no way I would spend that money PLUS the money for a gift on a kids bday party.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Tacky . .. . very tacky.

It's simple. If you can't afford to pay for those you invite, then you shouldn't invite them.

What's wrong with a party at home with cake and ice cream and some games?

At any rate, if you're close enough, I might try to mention in a nice way that it's "not done" and maybe she should clarify the invitation.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LJ's Momma* 







:, ok, its tacky.

Last year, I was a SAHM, and DH worked at a crappy job until he found his current positon. I wanted to take DS to Sesame Place for his Bday, because I could not afford a party. A lot of people asked if they could come, and I said yes, and told them a price







:. Most people didn't show up, and I didn't care, bc I had a blast with DS. My friend's husband called me tacky (through my now ex-friend (our relationship did not end over this though)).

I explained that I could not afford the $44 for every person over 2 years of age. I wanted to have a party there, and I would have supplied cake and food, but I could not afford to get the people into the park. So, I never called it a party, but I guess it was still tacky.

So, maybe your neice can't afford to pay for everyone. I couldn't, but it was tacky none the less.

Sorry.

See, that's like a destination birthday. You're holding it some place that costs money to get to, but you're covering everything for the party yourself. Plus, you told people on the invitation where it was and they got to decide before RSVPing whether they were willing to spend the money to get there.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

For this Chuck E. Cheese fiasco, I'd be soooo tempted to show up and "forget" to pay the hostess back--ever. (I would definitely bring the good gift in that case, if it was possible to put the cost right back where it belongs.)


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I pay for my children's guests.

But it wouldn't make me gag to know that someone wanted me to pay my child's way.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Totally tacky!!

I have had parties at Chuck E Cheese and I would NEVER expect guests to pay for themselves. I even order extra pizza, salad, and drinks for the adults and siblings as well, but that is just an extra that I like to do. Plus, I usually buy extra tokens because you don't get that many for $10.99 and hand them out to the kids as they need them.


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## momofayden (Jan 8, 2007)

There a re a couple of things you could do:
(1) call her and talk to her about it before hand
(2) go and don't pay, tell the party hostess to bill the mom of the birthday child
(3) do not go and treat your children at another time
(4) Go and use the family coupon for 19.99 for you and your boys.

She should atleast pay for the childrent o attend the party. Not paying for the adults is understandable.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Tacky as all get go.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I would go, but not pay towards the party. I'd come in separately and use the money to buy tokens/food. You'd get more for the same amount of money.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

It's tacky, but now that you know that she expects you to pay a certain amount per kid and you've said you'll go, to show up and not pay "your share" of the party would be just as rude.

If you're close you could talk to her about how things are usually done, but as far as we know, this is typical in her circle of friends. Unless she's generally clueless or just moved here from another culture I'd assume she is aware that hosts generally pay for parties, and she has made a conscious decision to do it differently.

If you really don't want to pay, you could always call back and cancel.

ZM


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
you could buy a whole pizza for 10.99









Not at Chuck E Cheese.

As someone who recently investigated throwing a big party at Chuck E Cheese, I can tell you that the official birthday party package is $10.99 per child. This includes 2 slices of pizza, a drink, a bunch of tokens, and a couple of special perks for the birthday kid.

To answer the OP, totally tacky.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roomformore* 
What are you getting for 10.99 per child? The coupon that came in our Sunday press is for 1 large pizza, 4 drinks and 30 game tokens for 19.99. If you have to pay for your own, you might as well get more for your money. If you'd like my coupon, pm me and I'll mail it to you.

You can print that coupon off the chuck e cheese website


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

I do think the hostess should plan on paying or make different plans.

You can take your own cake into Chuckee Cheese without useing the party tables/packages. At least it used to be possible. We have done this and know friends who do so. You can then use coupons for the food and tokens. Our kids know they will only get x # of tokens and then they are gone. They save their report cards to get more. CC gives out tokens for grades. It is possible to go and save a little. Our kids would also prefer to have their food as a snack and then get happy meals afterwards since they are too busy playing to eat.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

the $10.99 is the party price. they charge that per child & it includes the party room/area, cake, etc. guests do NOT pay their own way. period. it sounds like she really does not know and if you don't give her a heads' up she could wind up very embarrassed when other guests are taken aback by the situation.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

Very tacky. And it would be one lonely birhday party if she invited me or anyone else that I know.


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## RainCoastMama (Oct 13, 2004)

I would never do that to people. Ever. I couldn't ask families who make I- don't-know-what to spend grocery money on 2 hrs celebrating someone else's child. A close relative, maybe - it's a gray area, but still VERY tacky and rude. In a way she's holding the kids ransom cuz I mean, how can you say no to your kids after they already know about it?


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## GinaNY (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
I have never heard of it. I would be shocked if I received such a request. It is not done in these parts.

There was some talk on a local board about some kind of party where you send out some kind of e-vite asking for donations for .... I don't know, it was some kind of environmentally motivated thing to cut down on birthday wrapping paper waste, and the guests were to be asked to give money, some of which was so the birthday child could have one larger present selected by his parents.

And I think my reply was, well I'm never going to feel good about doing that. I am not supposed to presume the attendee will bring a gift. I hope for the pleasure of their company only.

The website you mentioned is www.echoage.com. I actually think this is a great idea! In fact I was going to do it, but I had no interest in the organizations they have so far. They are 2 women that just started it. I ended up sending out my own e-vites and said ---"Your Presence is your Present! However, if you wish please consider a small donation to (local environment group protecting a local river)"---I agree with you. I don't ever want to presume the attendee will bring a gift either but c'mon have you ever attended a child's birthday and NOT brought a gift?

I got so many duplicate gifts which meant I had to drive to the store return the gifts and end up with a credit of $100 that would have been better spent by the organization. Many of my guests commented that they liked the idea. My 1 yr old received a letter from the organization listing the guests who had made a donation (No disclosure of amount) thanking him. I thought it was super cute.

The echoage website itself divides the money contributed by the guests. Half to the organization you choose and half to your child. (A cut for them 2 of course--so not reallly 50/50) Then you can choose 1 or 2 gifts you really want or need ie clothes music class etc and you gave something back. I think that's something everyone can feel good about! Just my 2 cents.

As for the OP- Definitely tacky! Like PP maybe she doesn't know. I would be annoyed, but chalk it up to inexperience. If you can swing it moneywise, go. If not.... say something came up and send the gift. It's not the kid's fault. If you go, have fun!


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Tacky tacky!

I have been to gatherings where someone said "I'd like to treat [friend] to dinner at this restaurant for his birthday. Can you come? Entrees tend to run $x per person and I'm estimating about 8 of us total, so if we can all kick in to cover his meal, that would be great..." And that's only really for a very casual adult celebration where people know the deal when they're invited. But for an actual party with invitations? Just horrible.

That said, I would try to go if you can swing it financially because I hate for the birthday child to be punished for the parents' tackiness. I'm afraid many guests may drop or even walk out when they hear that she's expecting guests to pay for her party. Maybe you can say "oh that's not in our budget. That sounds more like pricing for a party package... you know, where the hosts pay for a specific party experience for their guests. If we're all paying our own way, the kids and I can buy our own pizza and tokens and drinks for far far less than a package thing."


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

I can see the issue where someone wants to have a special party, wedding.... that is their dream but they can't afford. All of us want something we can't have at one time or another. But this - asking others to pay after the invite, is NOT the answer. Just vulgar. The solution could be to have it at the expensive place, but only invite a few people, so you can afford the cost; or have it somewhere else instead; or save money ahead of time specifically for your dream party. (Or in this case, if you find out after the fact gee, I can't spend the money on chuckEcheese afterall, you cancel the party with an aplogy and move said party to your home. This is still a bit flaky and tacky, but no way near as tacky as asking guests to pay.)

Every year friends of ours come up with free, or nearly free, imaginative ideas for the kids birthdays. Once it was at a farm, where we played all sorts of fun games, once at a mountain, a park, a zoo on a day when kids were half price... They send an invitation that clearly says we will meet at xyz zoo, entrance fee is x(something cheap) but we will supply lunch, cake... No gift necessary." And normally they meet at a park or home, where there is no entrance fee. The same friends wanted a big fancy wedding at a specific church - way out of their budget. They were engaged before DH and I were even dating, and we were married 2 years bfore their wedding. It was always a big joke. But you know what, they put a little money aside each month so they could have their dream wedding. Yea, it took 6 years and 2 kids later, but it was a blast.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Erm, no. Could she really be clueless enough to think that the price breakdown implied that charging admission was acceptable? Maybe if she's never thrown a kids party before? Hoping.....? By the op's location we're in the same area and I've never seen that done here.

We go with a friend sometimes and make the coupon last 3 kids 2 hours or so at least.


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## spsmom (Jun 19, 2004)

I know this is just repeating what everyone else has said, but that is oh, so tacky! WOW! If $$$ were an issue, a party at home with a cake is what they should be doing. that's what we do.

And to the poster who mentioned the destination party, totally different. We went to Disneyland for my ds2 2nd birthday. We chose to do this instead of a party. (we have passes since we live in SOCAL) We made it very clear to family and friends that we were not having a party. Anyone was welcome to join us.

DS1 wants to go to Sea World for his birthday this year. I have made it very clear to him that if we do this, we will not be having a party. we will tell anyone (family and close friends) this is what we are doing and they are welcome to join us but they will know we are not paying for anything! It worked well for Disneyland, it will be fine for Sea World. I couldn't imagine hosting a party and asking guests to pay.

No advice on how to handle your situation. I think it is just plain rude.


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## ebethmom (Jan 29, 2002)

Yep, tacky.

This thread reminds me of when I threw a 40th birthday party for my dh. He tried to convince me to invite people to our favorite restaurant and ask them to pay.







He tried the "but everyone knows that we can't afford a big, expensive party" line. Well, if you can't afford a party then don't have one. Do what you can afford. Invite people over for something simple.

It reminds me that I need to offer some sort of refresher course in party planning etiquette, since my 40th is coming up next year. I would hate to arrive at my own party and deal with that sort of fiasco!


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

I dont think its tacky for people to pay if its somewhere like chuck-e-cheese. But if its at a house etc, then its very tacky


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Tacky.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Double post, sorry.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Oops, double post.


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## JennP (May 4, 2004)

I have never heard of this. I can't believe it.


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## tuck (Sep 4, 2004)

Something similiar happened to me...
I was a teacher, and the OT, who I liked very much, got engaged. I saw her in the hall and congratulated her. We hugged and she was so excited telling me that they were asking all of their friends and family to the wedding ( they wanted a big one). She said she hoped I could go- it was going to be on a weekend cruise and she'd love for me to be there, etc. Well I was shocked/surprised/excited and saying wow great when in the next breath she told me of the discounted rooms she could get if enough people could come. I was ( of course) expected to pay.







: I didn't go- it was pretty awkward. She did understand because it was so expensive but it rubbed me the wrong way...


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## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

That is just wrong and someone needs to tell her before she embarasses herself. Yikes!!!

Dd had her 4th bday party at Build A Bear. I set the limit for each kid at $12. THey could pick one of about 6 bears and get it stuffed, bathe it, make a certificate, etc. But if they wanted extra stuff, the parents were in charge of that. It worked great!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

my thoughts?


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

yes, very tacky. i would tell her if you can't afford it and let her know you'd like to do something special for the birthday boy in your home when it's convenient (or have a park day with him, etc.). That's plain rude.

We always put on the invitation "We have rsvped for the number of children invited. If you decide to bring siblings, please bring $__ to cover the cost for them.". We always had people show up with siblings without even asking.







:Alot of the parents would even drop off their kids WITH siblings then leave. Now, that's rude. I'm not a babysitter!


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
We always put on the invitation "We have rsvped for the number of children invited. If you decide to bring siblings, please bring $__ to cover the cost for them.". We always had people show up with siblings without even asking.







:Alot of the parents would even drop off their kids WITH siblings then leave. Now, that's rude. I'm not a babysitter!

That floors me as well, that we are put into the position of having to say 'no siblings.' As if it's perfectly normal to invite yourself to a party because someone else was invited.







:


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I would be quite shocked at this situation. Would I still go. Definately for family or close friend. Probably for a school friend. But my kids hate Chuck E Cheese food so I'd just buy tokens.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *ebethmom* 
This thread reminds me of when I threw a 40th birthday party for my dh. He tried to convince me to invite people to our favorite restaurant and ask them to pay.







He tried the "but everyone knows that we can't afford a big, expensive party" line. Well, if you can't afford a party then don't have one. Do what you can afford. Invite people over for something simple.

I actually consider this a bit different. DP & I have been to several parties where everyone pays. It has always only been for adults and generally been for a "big" one--- 30th or something like that. No one has seemed to mind, everyone is upfront--- they just want to celebrate the persons birthday, it costs each person like $5 extra for the "birthday person" (and IME, the birthdays persons SO) and IMO, then you don't need to get them an actual birthday present.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

My first thought was, "Oh no, no no no no, you must have misunderstood. She couldn't have meant for you to pay." Then I kept reading.









My second thought was, you couldn't pay me enough to go to a chuck e cheese, so there would be no problem here. My kids would never have been told about the party.


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## serenetabbie (Jan 13, 2002)

Another vote for tacky.

I have had to turn down invitations for the kid's classmates regularly because we had to pay our own way. But, that was very clear on the pre printed invitation from the place(s). If I showed up to a party with my child without money and then was informed of "my share" I would be horrified. I would never even think that there would be a fee if it was not clearly stated on the invite. This makes me think that if we do accept any of the planned out-of-home parties (which seems to be every single one we get... a lot of them quite a distance from out home), even if it is not on the invite perhaps I should ask what our share is? Or is that tacky too!?


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lberk* 
Well I was shocked/surprised/excited and saying wow great when in the next breath she told me of the discounted rooms she could get if enough people could come. I was ( of course) expected to pay.







: I didn't go- it was pretty awkward. She did understand because it was so expensive but it rubbed me the wrong way...

So she was inviting people to come to her cruise/wedding so she could get discounted trip. Nice.









ZM


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
We always had people show up with siblings without even asking.







:Alot of the parents would even drop off their kids WITH siblings then leave. Now, that's rude. I'm not a babysitter!

Absolutely. I have only heard of that on MDC, fortunately.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I've had people bring siblings to parties when uninvited. I hate that. In one case, I was paying about $20 a kid, plus I didn't have goodie bags for the siblings, and then of course they cried because they didn't get goodie bags. Maybe next time I'll get a backbone and think of a way to tell parents not to bring siblings.


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## jdedmom (Jul 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I've had people bring siblings to parties when uninvited. I hate that. In one case, I was paying about $20 a kid, plus I didn't have goodie bags for the siblings, and then of course they cried because they didn't get goodie bags. Maybe next time I'll get a backbone and think of a way to tell parents not to bring siblings.

I don't understand it being rude to bring a sibling to a place like CEC if you plan on paying the siblings way. For us, it's not likely that either of us would just have 1 of our 3 children on the weekends. DH usually has 2 or 3 of the kids all day Saturday as I get other stuff done. What about single parents, should they not take a child to a party if they have more than one child?

Just yesterday my middle son (7yo) was invited to CEC for a birthday party. My youngest son (3yo) has been begging to go to CEC for months. We thought nothing of bringing the 3yo along and we paid his way. It turned out that that they had extra loot bags and stuff but we wouldn't have expected them.

If a party was hosted in a home we wouldn't bring the sibling but in a public place I think it's okay. Last week my oldest turned 12. We invited two neighbor boys over. One of the boys mother decided to come over with her two younger (4 and 7). She does this all the time but she's an inconsiderate b***h.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Well this wasn't at CEC. It was at a public place but they counted the number of people there and I was charged (beyond the deposit) per guest who showed up, including uninvited siblings. And, again, the uninvited siblings were upset that they didn't have goodie bags.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
I don't understand it being rude to bring a sibling to a place like CEC if you plan on paying the siblings way. For us, it's not likely that either of us would just have 1 of our 3 children on the weekends. DH usually has 2 or 3 of the kids all day Saturday as I get other stuff done. What about single parents, should they not take a child to a party if they have more than one child?

Just yesterday my middle son (7yo) was invited to CEC for a birthday party. My youngest son (3yo) has been begging to go to CEC for months. We thought nothing of bringing the 3yo along and we paid his way. It turned out that that they had extra loot bags and stuff but we wouldn't have expected them.

If a party was hosted in a home we wouldn't bring the sibling but in a public place I think it's okay. Last week my oldest turned 12. We invited two neighbor boys over. One of the boys mother decided to come over with her two younger (4 and 7). She does this all the time but she's an inconsiderate b***h.

I don't think there's a problem with bringing siblings if you pay for them and let the host know that so they can make extra goodie bags should they choose to, and you are going to stay there with them. I think the most inconsiderate thing is LEAVING siblings and not paying for them.


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## hermionesmum (Feb 8, 2007)

I would say that was tacky! As she's family member I'd give her a gentle phone call and suggest that that is not what you're used to. She could be alienating a lot of her kid's friend's parents here!

We have a circle of friends with whom we go out for dinner and all pay our own way for adult birthdays, and in that circle, that is comfortable.

With a kids party, imho, having them at a play centre of some sort is a form of "cheating." As a host you purchase the services of someone else to do the mess and catering that you would otherwise have in your own home with jelly and ice cream. To not cover that expense for the kids you want to invite is almost like a non-invitation, it's in lieu of efforts you'd traditionally make yourself.


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## Swandira (Jun 26, 2005)

I usually host birthday parties at home so that I don't have to worry about the sibling problem. Most of my friends tend to bring at least younger siblings, and occasionally I've seen older siblings brought along as well. I always say explicitly on the invitation that parents and siblings are welcome to stay for the party, so they don't have to wonder. I usually wind up with a couple of extra bags of stickers and superballs, because not all the possible siblings always show up, but we always eventually find a a use for them around here. That said, I ask before bringing the sibling to other kids' parties, because I know sometimes it would put you over the allowable headcount at the party. If I were a single parent and it wasn't a drop-off-the-kid party and siblings weren't allowed, I'd probably just explain to the parent why we had to decline, thus leaving it up to them to make an exception if they felt like it. ;-)

I really like the idea of only having a full-blown party for a special birthday, such as maybe 5, 10, and 16. We considered doing a party for our two-year-old this month, but decided we'll just take her on an outing to the Seattle Aquarium the weekend after her birthday instead. I've invited my sister, whose toddler is Lydia's best friend (identical cousins... ), and another friend whose three kids all play nicely with our two. I figure I'll pay for the admissions to the aquarium (it's kind of pricey), but even if I paid full price for everyone (and I won't because we do get a discount), it would still cost only about $90, which is less than half the cost of a birthday party package at most venues. Then we'll probably go to lunch somewhere kid-friendly afterward, and my sister and her family will probably have cake and ice cream with us later that evening. I think, as little as she is, Lydia will like that day at least as well as she would a big party with lots of kids and presents, and she may like it more.

What do you guys think about the number of guests at a party? I know that some situations will lead to uninvited kids feeling rejected, but what do you think is a good number of kids at a party? From the point of view of fun for the kids attending, anyway. At some point it just gets overwhelming. What's been your experience? (I'm thinking of my son's recent 5th birthday party. We all had fun, but wow! That was a lot of kids in my living room at once.)

Also, how much do you overinvite to make sure you get the number of kids you actually want? If you invite only exactly the right number, you can sometimes wind up having paid $250 for a party of ten kids and only two can make it. This isn't a problem with home parties, but now and then a party somewhere else can be nice too.

Nealy
Mama to Thales, 12/9/02, and Lydia, 2/26/06


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

IMO - The only thing I really thought was "tacky" was to tell you after you accepted the invitation that you'd have to pay. That should have been included in the invite; that anyone who wanted to join the fun would have to pay their way in because she couldn't afford it. I'd also tell her so.


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## anhaga (May 26, 2005)

Pay to go to a party? Probably not. Tacky to drop children off at a party where only one sibling was invited? Of course.

Have some games at home, serve cookies, lemonade and cake and have a good time. If you can't host everyone at CEC, then make it a present to your child for your family to go. Don't invite others, expect them to pay and then call it a party.


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## GinaNY (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lberk* 
Something similiar happened to me...
I was a teacher, and the OT, who I liked very much, got engaged. I saw her in the hall and congratulated her. We hugged and she was so excited telling me that they were asking all of their friends and family to the wedding ( they wanted a big one). She said she hoped I could go- it was going to be on a weekend cruise and she'd love for me to be there, etc. Well I was shocked/surprised/excited and saying wow great when in the next breath she told me of the discounted rooms she could get if enough people could come. I was ( of course) expected to pay.







: I didn't go- it was pretty awkward. She did understand because it was so expensive but it rubbed me the wrong way...

Wait. Do you mean HER rooms would get upgraded OR that guests would receive better discounts if more guests attended? When you have a destination wedding, the couple does not need to pay for guest accomodations. Often the couple gets group discount rates for their guests' rooms. Rates are usually sent out in the save the date or invitation. Often couples block out rooms in different hotels to allow for budget flexibility. I am not sure how cruises do it though.


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## tuck (Sep 4, 2004)

She was hoping my room would be discounted, for me. I don't at all think it was meant in a bad way- but the mention of me having to pay for the cruise came after the invitation was given. So I felt really awful that I couldn't go and it was awkward.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

I think it's tacky, too, but it's not uncommon, unfortunately. In fact, the printable invites from Chuck E Cheese have check boxes on the bottom for if food will be provided or not. That's not asking you to pay, of course, but if food isn't provided, it essentially means you are paying to go to the party, because of course most kids will want pizza.


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## aliinnc (Jan 10, 2008)

Absolutely unbelievable!

And to think I didn't like it when we were asked to give checks for a charity. The problem was that they asked us to give them the checks.

When I buy a gift, I can make it, buy something on sale, or use a coupon to save money. But I had to spend more than I would have. Partially my fault because I didn't want to look cheap.

I don't mind the charity thing when they let me make the donation directly. That way I can spend within my comfort range.

But I've never heard of anything like that!
Ali


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## aliinnc (Jan 10, 2008)

I just saw the dropped off sibling part of the post. How about this one: My DD's birthday party. An all girl party. The father of one of her best friend's is dating a woman who has a son the same age. She dropped him off! Didn't even get out of the car and say a word. Just stopped and let him out!
Ali


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## icequeenash (May 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Swandira* 

how much do you overinvite to make sure you get the number of kids you actually want? If you invite only exactly the right number, you can sometimes wind up having paid $250 for a party of ten kids and only two can make it.

I invited sixteen and sixteen showed up!...so be careful with that.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aliinnc* 
I just saw the dropped off sibling part of the post. How about this one: My DD's birthday party. An all girl party. The father of one of her best friend's is dating a woman who has a son the same age. She dropped him off! Didn't even get out of the car and say a word. Just stopped and let him out!
Ali

now that's the tackiest. how rude.


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## jdedmom (Jul 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aliinnc* 
I just saw the dropped off sibling part of the post. How about this one: My DD's birthday party. An all girl party. The father of one of her best friend's is dating a woman who has a son the same age. She dropped him off! Didn't even get out of the car and say a word. Just stopped and let him out!
Ali

I can relate to that! I have a neighbor who is obnoxious about it.

My sons 12th birthday was two weeks ago. We invited 2 neighbor boys over for cake and to decorate posters to take to a professional wrestling match they were going to two days later. One boys mother invited herself and her other two kids in and hung out the whole time. We didn't have plans to entertain or feed her and her other kids.

She and her kids just showed up for a baseball party we had in the summer.

During my youngest 2nd birthday, after he got a bike as a present, she drove to walmart and bought her daughter a bike and gave it to her at my DS birthday party.

Of course we are not invited to any parties she hosts because two years ago she did the occasional "my kids are not allowed to play with your kids" during the week of her daughters birthday party. I sent over a gift and a note saying we would no be attending the party since our kids were not getting along. Since then we've been cut out of the invites.


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## AuntNi (Feb 26, 2003)

I know this is an old thread, but I just encountered this for the first time yesterday. I remembered this thread and had to check it out to see what was the consensus.









DD got an invite to a Build A Bear party - the birthday girl is in DD's Daisy troop, but I've never heard DD mention this girl as being a friend. The invite says "Note: Outfit & Bear Fee $25." So, unlike the OP, we are forewarned. But the party will cost us at least $40, including our party fee and gift. Truthfully, I would never spend that on a 7-year-old birthday gift, outside of my nephews. And since I'm currently unemployed, I wouldn't even spend that on my darling nephews right now. Heck, DD's barely getting that for Christmas. It's not like the $40 would put us in the poorhouse, but when you're living off savings for God knows how long, every penny counts.

So I really don't want DD to attend this party. But I will feel so bad for this poor child if nobody comes to her party because of her mom's ignorance/tackiness. It's not really fair to punish the child, is it? I could lie and say we'll be out of town. Or we could go separately, buy a $10 bear for DD and bring a $15 gift. I'm struggling with how to handle it without getting caught in a lie, or hurting the girl's feelings.

Grrr, I wish my Emily Post covered this topic. But in reality, I guess it's such a tacky thing that it's off the Emily Post etiquette meter!


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AuntNi* 
So I really don't want DD to attend this party. But I will feel so bad for this poor child if nobody comes to her party because of her mom's ignorance/tackiness. It's not really fair to punish the child, is it? I could lie and say we'll be out of town. Or we could go separately, buy a $10 bear for DD and bring a $15 gift. I'm struggling with how to handle it without getting caught in a lie, or hurting the girl's feelings.


Economic times are hard right now; I bet lots of people can't afford to attend a party at a cost of $40. I'd tell the other mom that dd will be sorry to miss it, but BAB just isn't in your budget right now.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

We spent $60 at Chuck-E- cheese this past October for DD birthday party that included one large cheese and 1 medium pepperoni pizza 12 small drinks
2 salad bars and around 250 tokens. This fed 5 kids plus gave 5 adults at least a drink and a slice or 2 of pizza. (The kids were really more intrested in the games than pizza) plus around 50 tokens per kid. (then DH and I got the salad bar) On of the reasons we limited the guest list was I wanted to provide food tokens ect for all guests and at least a drink (refillable) for the adults. I couldn't have imangined asking the parents to pay for there kids..

Deanna


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AuntNi* 
I know this is an old thread, but I just encountered this for the first time yesterday. I remembered this thread and had to check it out to see what was the consensus.









DD got an invite to a Build A Bear party - the birthday girl is in DD's Daisy troop, but I've never heard DD mention this girl as being a friend. The invite says "Note: Outfit & Bear Fee $25." So, unlike the OP, we are forewarned. But the party will cost us at least $40, including our party fee and gift. Truthfully, I would never spend that on a 7-year-old birthday gift, outside of my nephews. And since I'm currently unemployed, I wouldn't even spend that on my darling nephews right now. Heck, DD's barely getting that for Christmas. It's not like the $40 would put us in the poorhouse, but when you're living off savings for God knows how long, every penny counts.

So I really don't want DD to attend this party. But I will feel so bad for this poor child if nobody comes to her party because of her mom's ignorance/tackiness. It's not really fair to punish the child, is it? I could lie and say we'll be out of town. Or we could go separately, buy a $10 bear for DD and bring a $15 gift. I'm struggling with how to handle it without getting caught in a lie, or hurting the girl's feelings.

Grrr, I wish my Emily Post covered this topic. But in reality, I guess it's such a tacky thing that it's off the Emily Post etiquette meter!









Just be honest. That way if *no one* is coming she will know why, and can come up with an alternate party plan.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greeny* 
_Totally_ tacky. I'm actually sitting her laughing out loud at how tacky that is. Seriously.

















ME, too!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AuntNi* 
I know this is an old thread, but I just encountered this for the first time yesterday. I remembered this thread and had to check it out to see what was the consensus.









DD got an invite to a Build A Bear party - the birthday girl is in DD's Daisy troop, but I've never heard DD mention this girl as being a friend. The invite says "Note: Outfit & Bear Fee $25." So, unlike the OP, we are forewarned. But the party will cost us at least $40, including our party fee and gift. Truthfully, I would never spend that on a 7-year-old birthday gift, outside of my nephews. And since I'm currently unemployed, I wouldn't even spend that on my darling nephews right now. Heck, DD's barely getting that for Christmas. It's not like the $40 would put us in the poorhouse, but when you're living off savings for God knows how long, every penny counts.

So I really don't want DD to attend this party. But I will feel so bad for this poor child if nobody comes to her party because of her mom's ignorance/tackiness. It's not really fair to punish the child, is it? I could lie and say we'll be out of town. Or we could go separately, buy a $10 bear for DD and bring a $15 gift. I'm struggling with how to handle it without getting caught in a lie, or hurting the girl's feelings.


I'd just rsvp with regrets, saying that BAB doesn't fit into the budget this month.


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## RufusBeans (Mar 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AuntNi* 

The invite says "Note: Outfit & Bear Fee $25."

OMGoodness this is SOOO tacky, not only for the obvious, But Build-a-bear party prices per child start at $10! So they are getting the fanciest bears too.

UGH


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## acsammel (Jul 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Swandira* 
What do you guys think about the number of guests at a party? I know that some situations will lead to uninvited kids feeling rejected, but what do you think is a good number of kids at a party? From the point of view of fun for the kids attending, anyway. At some point it just gets overwhelming. What's been your experience? (I'm thinking of my son's recent 5th birthday party. We all had fun, but wow! That was a lot of kids in my living room at once.)

We allow our kids to invite one kid for each year of age they are turning. My son is turning 6 this year, so he will invite 6 kids. I find this works well because as they get older we are able to handle more kids at the party. After about age ten, we will stop that policy and start doing something else. Possibly inviting a couple close friends for a sleepover instead of a party.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

No way would I send my dd to a party if I were expected to pay. That's beyond just tacky. It's also incredibly rude.


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