# Did you know?



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

A spin off from Micah's thread, really.

I think I knew. I told my husband "If the baby died now, it would be awful" a few weeks before he was born. The night he was born, for some reason I looked up pictures of what he might look like to prepare myself. So in retrospect, I knew somewhere deep down.

What about you?


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

I knew. Mine was much earlier, so everyone chalks it up to first trimester nerves, but on the way to the u/s my husband kept making whooshy noises like a heartbeat and it made me really angry. I kept saying, "STOP! What if we don't hear that noise?!" When the u/s tech couldn't find a heartbeat, I wasn't surprised. I probably would have been more shocked to see a heartbeat.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I knew. I decided at about 6 weeks that I would be fine with DD being an only child. I even told DH about it, and I'm sure he thought I was really weird deciding that I didn't need another baby when I was finally pregnant after a year of infertility. When I got my first beta back at 7 weeks, it was within the normal range but it didn't seem high enough to me. Then my doctor told me the second beta at 8 weeks was normal, but I freaked out--I even told DH I was 95% positive I would miscarry. When I finally went for my prenatal appointment (the one that ended up confirming my baby died at around 8 weeks), the CNM came in & said, "You're going to have a baby." And I said, "I don't think so." And started crying. I was still exhausted, still nauseous, etc., etc...though I did start spotting the morning of that appointment. Other than the very slight spotting, I had no signs that I had had a missed miscarriage. But I knew. Absolutely.


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## lil_miss_understood (Jul 19, 2006)

I think about the same time that I lost my LO before ds2, I had a dream that she was born and I called her Euphrates. All I know is that I feel like even though I was no where near term (m/c in the first trimester), she was a girl, I got to hold her and I was blessed with a name for her.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

no, i didn't anticipate anything being wrong w/ my pregnancy. i was so involved in the birth aspect. i had a C/S w/ DD1 and worked hard to plan a homebirth for us. I read up on everything about some of the complications that arose around the birth of DD1, that i kind of thought i was prepared. in fact, i kept commenting to everyone how "good" about this pregnancy i felt. i was really nervous the whole time w/ DD1, and this pregnancy seemed smooth, i felt calm and connected to my babe. sigh. the weird thing though is that when i first found out i was pregnant, i bumped into the NILMDTS website and read a million of the stories and bawled my eyes out. i didn't tell my DH because i knew he'd tell me what an awful idea that was. i told my sister, who also told me that i should probably not spend a lot of time reading loss stories when i was newly pregnant. at one point in my pregnancy i thought how awfully ironic it would be if i actually would need the service of NILMDTS. then i found out i was abrupting...


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I think I knew. I was on pins and needles and even though I dreamed about the future - I didn't really have a lot of faith in my body wiht this baby.
Even the day that I lost the baby - we had been in the OB's and had an ultrasound showing a perfect baby with a STRONG heartbeat. I sobbed through the whole thing and cried the whole way home. I told everyone I knew I was going to lose the baby even though by all appearances it looked to be doing just fine.
Within hours - I was holding him in my hand.......


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I had a gut feeling that I kept trying to ignore after having the level II u/s at 25 weeks. It was noted then that my fluid levels were in the higher range of normal, almost borderline poly. I wasn't concerned right then because I had mild poly with Grace and everything turned out fine. But I just had a feeling as the weeks progressed that this low risk pregnancy would turn out not to be "low risk" and that I wasn't going to end up getting the homebirth we had been planning.

I became skeptical of the u/s because I had a lot of the extra monitoring done by specialists during the last 8 weeks with Grace due to them suspecting she had something wrong with her that ended up being nothing. I started to think the opposite would happen this time. I was convinced I wasn't going to get my much anticipated homebirth and that everything going smoothly was just some elaborate hoax.

As soon as I started putting on a lot of weight at 30 weeks and my uterus started to grow very large, I *knew* I had a significant case of poly. I was hoping it was me and that it was idiopathic like with Grace. But there was no way it was. I knew it, but deep down I didn't want to accept something was wrong with him. One just doesn't measure 41 cm at 31 weeks and there not be a problem. My midwife and I tried to remain optimistic because the level II showed everything was fine and I kept telling myself that. But then they're not always accurate and I knew that. The bigger I got I knew it wasn't me that was causing the build up of fluid. All of the homeopathics and herbal stuff didn't work and they usually don't if it's related to the baby. I just knew something was wrong. I just didn't think whatever was wrong with him was fatal. I didn't think it was possible for an ultrasound to miss 13 gross malformations or defects. It's not like they were minor or subtle.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I forgot to mention something. It was always a pain to read loss stories and there's always at least two in each of my due date groups that experience second or third trimester losses. I've read so many heartbreaking stories over the years and there for while during my first pregnancy I was completely obsessed with making sure she was fine by using my doppler and calling my midwife to reassure me. I had to take a break from some boards because I didn't want to read the stories fearing it would happen to me.

A few days before he passed I read JayJay's story and bawled my eyes out. The morning of the day he passed (I believed he passed away 21-24 hours prior to birth based on his appearance and I could have sworn I heard his hb when I tried the first time late morning) I read Kristie's post on life after stillbirth. I told myself, "Watch that turn out to be my case." I don't know why I thought that. I just had a weird feeling. That thought while reading part of her experience prompted me to go look for his heartbeat since it was then that I realized I hadn't felt him move in sometime.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I don't know if I 'knew' but looking back, maybe a little bit of intuition was there?
1- the biggest thing I remember is that Shaun and I decided to pay for a 3D ultrasound in June. Our hospital/insurance was giving us crap about paying for our first ultrasound - they didn't get good pictures, and I figured if I end up paying for an ultrasound it's goingt to be a cool one!







When we got back from the appt, and were showing MIL all the picures and video I made a comment that was very weird for me.. it was something like, I'll be so glad to have these if "anything" (and we all know what that anything could be.. the unspoken 'anything') were to happen. Well, that anything DID happen, and I am SO SO SOOOO glad to have those pictures. the only pictures/video I have of him ALIVE! So grateful.. the best 170 bucks I've EVER spent!








2- The night before we found out - Sunday.. I thought he hadn't moved much today.. I was trying to recline in my chair, which always made him move.. and still nothing. I didn't feel really worried, but I did let one tiny thought enter my mind - just a second before I got rid of it!- I pushed on his butt and it just moved under the pressure and I thought, it feels like he's dead? NOOOOOOOO Lets get those negative thougts OUT! Now I spent te whole next day tryng everything to get him to move - never once thinking he could be dead.. I felt like I would just KNOW! Now I wonder if I did, but couldn't allow myself to really KNOW...
3- as some of us discussed before, his NAME.. We liked Dresden since May on a trip to Tennesee for my sisters wedding. I was looking at a name book at the name Desmond, while passing under an exit for Dryden.. mixed them together and said HEY DRESDEN! (I also love the Dresden Dolls- a band) Shaun immediately LOVED it.. but then when Shaun would call him it just in conversation, I could never imagine him being called that.. but that was the case with EVER SINGLE name we tried! It was really strange. Maybe now we know why?


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## clicksab (Oct 15, 2006)

I knew but I kept trying to convince myself the baby was fine and everyone else kept trying to convince me the baby was fine. With my DD I just KNEW that everything was fine, I had such a peace. Around the time my baby probably passed, I told my DH that I didn't think everything was ok, that there was something wrong. I could never describe or explain exactly why or what I felt...it was just there. Even though it was devastating to hear that our baby was gone for sure, it really did feel more like a confirmation of what we already knew.


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## Pearl1 (Aug 29, 2008)

thanks for starting this thread, i've really appreciated reading everyone's experiences.

about a week before our first ultrasound, i had a sense that everything was over. i couldn't point to any tangible change in my body, i just had a feeling. the connection i had felt to our developing baby had slipped away somehow. my partner kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and i just had normal jitters, but i knew, deep down, the pregnancy was over. i couldn't imagine a good outcome, no matter how hard i tried. . .

still, seeing that still ultrasound was absolutely devastating. fearing your worst nightmare and having it confirmed are so very different.

love to you all,
~s.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abeecharmer* 
thanks for starting this thread, i've really appreciated reading everyone's experiences.

about a week before our first ultrasound, i had a sense that everything was over. i couldn't point to any tangible change in my body, i just had a feeling. the connection i had felt to our developing baby had slipped away somehow. my partner kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine and i just had normal jitters, but i knew, deep down, the pregnancy was over. i couldn't imagine a good outcome, no matter how hard i tried. . .

still, seeing that still ultrasound was absolutely devastating. fearing your worst nightmare and having it confirmed are so very different.

love to you all,
~s.

Oh Mama! I just realized that we lost our babies on the same day. Im so sorry for your loss


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## Pearl1 (Aug 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
Oh Mama! I just realized that we lost our babies on the same day. Im so sorry for your loss

















and i am so sorry for yours.

what an awful thing to have in common. . .









with love,
~s.


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## preemiemamarach (Sep 7, 2007)

yes. when I lost my son's twin (the twin was dying when we first saw him/her on ultrasound), I had strange feelings- I felt my baby was dying, but I also felt like I had a fighting life inside of me. Turns out, both were true.

With my recent miscarriage, as soon as I got my BFP I told my husband, 'if this one sticks- not that it will- we can do xyz...' and I always prefaced things with 'if this baby sticks'. I knew the morning it happened, even though I didn't have an u/s to confirm it for 2 more weeks.


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## ilovesun08 (Nov 29, 2008)

I never had any nausea (except when really hungry) or much tiredness more than normal, just sore boobs. No implantation bleeding, nothing like I had with DS. Everything was fine at my 8 wk appt but the spotting started the next day and I just knew it wasn't good, even though I know spotting is normal (I'm a L&D RN). 2 days later bright red and d&c...


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I've said a few times on here that, with the benefit of hindsight, I had some intuition all through Emma's pregnancy.

At 28 weeks I actually posted on an internet forum about how terrified I was about the possibility of a stillbirth ... I had NO reason. I'd had 2 healthy term pregnancies and Emma was healthy too. I really, really believed she was a boy for the whole pregnancy and just couldn't find a girl's name that fitted. When she was born and they took her to the resuscitaire, they told me to talk to her and encourage her to breathe - I did but my birth partner said afterwards that I knew then - and I did. I wanted to encourage her to stay with me but I KNEW she wasn't going to. I realised quite late on in the pregnancy that I had never really envisaged bringing this baby home to us - and I hardly unpacked any baby things and only bought a sling and a second hand pram. I remember being thrilled with the pram but looking at the tiny bassinette insert for a new born and wondering IF we'd have a baby to go in it ... I was 20+ weeks pg by then. Of course I was going to have a baby to put in it 'cos babies don't die after 20 weeks do they?









Also, I've never posted this but I first came across this part of Mothering when I was about 20 weeks pregnant - purely because my mouse was playing up and when I went to click on my DDC on the front page, the cursor slipped and brought me here. The first thread was Dalene's post about the loss of her precious Baker ... I read her post and was just so very, very upset for her. My heart ached - and her story stayed with a long time. I can't explain how it touched me. As it turned out, my experience labouring with Emma was not disimilar - Emma also died due to a cord issue during second stage.

I can't help wondering what is the point of the intuition we all seem to have. D'you think it makes it easier to grieve, because we "sort of" expected it? Because this DOESN'T feel easy at all ...


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

No. It doesn't make it easier. I don't think this gets easy. Ever. Manageable maybe, but never easy.


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## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

I really didn't know. It felt like a normal pregnancy. I had full blown morning sickness for 12 weeks. I started to worry when my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat. I then got an ultrasound. It was truly a shock to hear there was no fetus. Nobody home. Physically, I still feel pregnant even now, as I've had no bleeding yet.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I did not know during the pregnancy. I was happy and at peace the entire time (maybe a little stressed though because I was fostering at the time). I did have a stillbirth discussion with dh in the last week but not in a scared way. On the morning after dd's heart stopped I woke up terrified. No reason, her movements were fine the night before. But I did know something was wrong that morning. There were only about 2 hours time from when I woke that morning and I was sitting in the docs office trying to find HB.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I knew...all three times. I knew, and still I pushed it back. I found ways to explain my feelings. I think it was my natural defense mechanism.

With my first loss, I was sitting there at night, by myself, around the 17th week, and thought, " Ihaven't had any movement really" And I dismissed with my slightly overweightness and that the placenta MUST be on my csection scar and that's why I wasn't feeling any movement. I told a few people, but they helped me dismiss it. Heck, I think I posted about it on my ddc. When I went to the bathroom that early morning when I was 20 weeks, 2 days, and saw blood. I knew she was gone. I knew it. I had zero hope.

The night before I lost my early miscarriage ( 3-5 weeks) I told my mom and dh that soomething was "off" and that something was wrong. On the ride home I started getting bad lower back pain and I told my dh again, that something was off. I started bleeding the next morning.

During my entire pregnancy with my 3rd loss I knew it wasn't going to end well. I remember posting in the pregnancy and loss forum about how I had gotten some maternity clothes as a present from my mother and I didn't want to wear them because I thought I was going to waste them. I lost the baby that week- 17 weeks. I even know the exact moment she/he died too. I felt it. I told my mom the baby kicked....but I knew that it was the end. I just knew.

And knowing is what keeps me from ttc...one year later after my last loss...and almost two years after my first loss. I wish I was oblivious. I really really do.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I can't help wondering what is the point of the intuition we all seem to have. D'you think it makes it easier to grieve, because we "sort of" expected it? Because this DOESN'T feel easy at all ...

I think it actually makes it harder. I can't imagine that the ultrasound could have made me feel worse, even if I hadn't known. In fact, if I hadn't anticipated it, I probably would have had some of that lovely shock/numbness before the pain set in. Maybe even enough so that I would be able to drive home before I started sobbing uncontrollably. I think all intuition does is to make the weeks or months before it actually happens painful. I often wished that I could let go of my feelings that I would not have this baby, and just be happy to be pregnant--just be happy to have my baby with me--but I couldn't do it.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *no5no5* 
I think it actually makes it harder. I often wished that I could let go of my feelings that I would not have this baby, and just be happy to be pregnant--just be happy to have my baby with me--but I couldn't do it.

I so relate to this sentiment. It's what keeps me from ttc. I don't know if I could go through 9 months of pure unhappiness...waiting, dreading, questioning myself, my body....the baby. The 17 weeks that I was pregnant after my 20 week loss was pure hell...I never sighed that sigh of relief...never. My dh feels the same way. He says that the entire pregnancy we would be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I hope that one day ( and not to far away in the future) that I can get past this mental block and just take what ever comes. I hope that for everyone here. It's SO hard to take that leap of faith. It's the most difficult thing I' have ever gone through in my entire life. I feel so tested. Hugs to you....and everyone!


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I never felt 'inhabited' in this last pregnancy, in the way I immediately did with my son. I tried and tried to connect, but it never felt real, though I was very excited and spent a lot of time 'talking' to her. I knew it was a girl (though we'll never know), and I was worried that something was wrong, not in the usual way I would worry... but some darker, more gut-level feeling. A name, Yeshuel, flashed into my mind on the way home from the hospital after the miscarriage. I'd never heard it before, but when I looked it up, it was referred to as a girl's name.


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## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

I think I knew, in a way. At first things felt normal, & I was thrilled about the BFP. I'd felt like I knew I was PG, & even when I took a test (at night, the day before AF was due) & it was negative, I told DH, "It doesn't matter, I'm PG." Sure enough, I had a BFP the next morning.

But then I started worrying excessively that something was wrong, I just didn't feel right, thought maybe it was an ectopic... I pushed for an early U/S to check that out, & then right away they said I couldn't be as far along as I thought I was... but I knew something was off, b/c of when we'd DTD. I kept trying to rationalize it, thinking maybe I'd implanted late or something...

I got upset with DH for telling DD, b/c I kept saying "We don't even know if it's viable yet." I work as a labor & delivery nurse, so I definitely know too much about loss & complications during pregnancy, even though I'd never had one before. But with my first pregnancy (DD is now 2) I didn't worry AS much. With this one I just kept saying, "M/C happens to so many people - why NOT me?" I'd check every day to make sure my boobs were still sore.

Even after we saw the heartbeat, I started to get more excited & attached, but I still kept myself guarded. I'd told people at work after we saw the heartbeat, but even to them I'd say, "Well, hopefully things will go OK, you never know." They kept telling me I was worrying too much, & that I should just be happy b/c once you see a heartbeat the odds of M/C go down so much. But maybe I just knew in my gut.

It was at work that I found out. We were scanning ourselves (me & another nurse who was further along), & I just knew it didn't look right. It was smaller than I remembered DD being at the same gestation, & I didn't see movement, or a heartbeat, even though we'd seen one the week before. The nurses with me that day tried to reassure me, saying "We just didn't get a good view, we'll look again tomorrow when you have a full bladder." But I knew we wouldn't see anything. And sure enough, we looked again the next day & it was so still...

I had a co-worker doctor confirm it for me, & of course even though I "knew" I still broke down when he confirmed it.

So, yeah, I think I did know somehow that something wasn't right. And now I feel like next time I'll worry just b/c of what happened with this one, so maybe my "internal sensor" is all out of whack. How will I know if I can trust my intuition now???


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