# Toddler Won't Play Alone



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I'm at a loss . . .my toddler (she's about 2.5 years old, will be 3 in February) WILL NOT PLAY ALONE. I can get her started playing, but the moment she thinks I'm not actively involved (and sometimes I am, but she doesn't see it that way) or go so far as to leave the room, she tells me "Play with me." If I've left the room, she'll sometimes scream this at me. Even if I've been playing with her for a few hours straight, it's not enough.

I don't see my primary job as a mom to be her playmate, and I'm getting resentful. I'm finding that I get a very angry tone with her (not GD!) and want to just COMMAND her to play by herself. I've tried . . ."You NEED to play by yourself" and stupid phrases like that (she doesn't NEED to). I don't like what I do.

My DD is very, very creative, but the only way I can have time to myself is to let her watch TV. I don't like that either. I've tried weaning her from TV (she'll only want to watch if we're not playing with her) but it's either let her watch or play with her.

At this time, I'm doing my student teaching (my mom, who is wonderful, cares for her). Prior to that I was a SAHM, and was planning on being a SAHM until both children (I'm PG) would be in school full-time. Now I'm wondering if I'm just not cut out for this, and if she would be better off with someone else to care for her most of the time. I can't even imagine what she'll be like when the baby comes (not due until April). We haven't told her about the baby yet.

Thank you, mamas. I'm lost.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Congrats on the pregnancy!

My dd is a year older (4 in feb), but the way you describe dd reminds me of her. She plays by herself much more now than she did one year ago, but still often pleads for me to play with her.

I find the problem to be worst when I am sitting and doing something--like one the computer, or resting, or reading. So I try to limit those activities until she is involved in something else. Or sleeping :LOL (we do still include one video a day in her schedule, so that is usually my big "break")

When I am working (cooking, cleaning, etc), I offer to involve her in my work. She can help me fold laundry, scrubs with her own rag and spray bottle, mixes and dumps when I am cooking. On my best days, this works really well. On my worst days, I still plead (angrily) "You NEED to play on your own!" But now, much more than a year ago, I get my work done. I insist on it, but I offer to include her.

Ironically, just this week, I, too, have been having doubts about my decision to be a SAHM--thinking that I may just not be cut out for it afterall. I think we all have days/weeks like that. I do work pt (6 hours a week), and know that I am a much more patient and playful mama after I've taught a class--it just renews me! Sometimes we just have to find that balance that will allow us to be happy mamas with happy children


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## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

I expect my baby will be this way so its nice to listen in.







:

Balance... yeah... I'm gonna get me some of that.

Julie


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

We have an issue at night with this. Goo wants us to stay and she won't fall asleep until we leave.

Here's what we did. I started to tell her that mommy has to clean up from dinner. I even ivited her to help one night. She didn't like it at all. She wasn't allowed to play with toys, just help me clean.

Now she understands that mommy (or daddy) has to do things that don't involve her. We have told her that sometimes mommy and daddy have to do other things.

Why not start some practice things of "mommy needs to wash the dishes. can you play in the kitchen? I will be right with you, but I can't play with you". See if things like that work?

And while she doesn't NEED to play alone, you NEED some down time. It's ok to tell your child, Mommy needs a break. Please play alone while mommy reads this book. Then mommy will come back and play with you.


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## CindyC (Mar 22, 2002)

I noticed this between 18-24 months. I was like, "Do other moms play with their kids constantly?" But as with everything else in DDs development, I tried to be patient. Now, she does play by herself for 5 minutes at a time. Sometimes she'll even go to her room by herself for 10 minutes or so.

Hmmm...maybe you can start by playing with her for 10 minutes, then just sit next to her. Then maybe you can be reading in the same room. Then you might be able to do something else in the same room? I guess it depends on each child's temperment.

We kept her high chair and I've started putting her in it to color while I work in the kitchen. Right now I'm trying to work around her needs and I'm just grateful DH is not complaining about the state of our house.

I do notice that DD starts looking for me after awhile. It may be a part of their development that they don't want to be far from mommy.

Maybe your DD 'knows' the baby is coming?


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## HippieMomma2Chloe (Oct 6, 2004)

Ohhh I am SO glad to read this! DD is 21 months, and I swear if I even *think of leaving the room, we end up in a temper tantrum. My house is a mess, my mind is a mess, and I'm running out of ideas. Add in the fact that she sleeps 6 hours a night and takes no naps... it's enough to make any mama crazy! I have no advice for you - none. LOL But I sure hope it's just a stage and that there is hope for an end to it!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Thank you, mamas, for the ideas and support!

sunmama, you are right that being actively busy does help . . .it seems like DD understands that I actually am busy. However, since I'm student teaching, the work that I have to do primarily is on the computer. Since I can't even get 5 minutes in (and it's hard to stop/start constantly), I generally have to wait until DD is in bed (she doesn't nap) and stay up late.

Awnj, maybe not! I think that I paid TOO much attention to DD when she was a baby. For example, when she was very small and playing with her foot and content, I'd think she needed constant interaction. Once she got older and I saw the error of my ways, my DH was home for several months (unemployed) and he insisted on having one of us constantly play with her. So, this didn't happen on its own!

Foobar, I tried your idea last night, "Mommy needs to rest," (since I was too tired to be busy!) and DD threw a short tantrum, something that is not common for her. She even threatened to hit me with her toy trucks. I was trying to rest right near her and talk to her while she played, but it didn't matter.

CindyC: I think (once I'm home again) I'm going try your idea. I know it won't work when DD is playing with animals/people/trucks (she always wants an adult to do the voices to play with her) but I bet it would for other activities.

HippieM: I feel your pain! DD is also not a long sleeper at night, doesn't need naps usually, but doesn't get cranky often. Where do they get the energy??? Oh, and one suggestion for leaving the room to clean is maybe a carrier and put DD in the back position while you clean? That's how I managed to get laundry done for a long time, even when DD was 2.

One other thing I've been thinking about . . .DD doesn't have any friends. When I was home, I'd set up playdates, but this isn't happening with my mom. She does take her to classes, but it's not the same. So, maybe once DD is around friends again it will help!


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Elena-

Don't expect it to work on one try. Remember that she has been having a playmate in you since she was born. This will help her understand that in the future, you can be near her and not be playing with her and that it's ok. When you have the baby, there are going to be times that you need to attend to your second, and your first is not going to be happy about it. If she has a way to understand this, it will help once the baby is born.


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## kazmir (Nov 21, 2001)

"Play with me Mama" was my DD's mantra until recently. She is now 4.5 and plays by herself for up to 1/2 hour. During her 3rd yr she always wanted someone to play with her. It must be a stage of development that children go thru. We still play alot with her and now she directs the play more, which means sometimes all I have to do is be on the floor with her and provide encouragement. It is easier since I too am due with a new baby in a couple of months and need to rest more....

It slowly does get better!


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## HippieMomma2Chloe (Oct 6, 2004)

<<HippieM: I feel your pain! DD is also not a long sleeper at night, doesn't need naps usually, but doesn't get cranky often. Where do they get the energy??? Oh, and one suggestion for leaving the room to clean is maybe a carrier and put DD in the back position while you clean? That's how I managed to get laundry done for a long time, even when DD was 2.>>

I'm actually now to the point where I find some way for her to be involved in the cleaning. It makes everything take twice as long, but it seems to be working and I know she benefits from it. But yes, my asian baby carrier was a life saver up until recently!!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Yesterday I tried again (and BTW, this isn't the first time I've tried this . . .I've been trying for the last year!) but I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it when she has a tantrum . . .this is an area where I just don't understand how to react in a GD way. Not tantrums in general, but ones related to this topic.

Anyway, yesterday she was painting and I read while she did that for a few minutes. Then she said she wanted her trucks, so I told her that after I brought them to her, I was going to rest for a little bit. She didnt throw a tantrum or cry. She protested a little, and then my mom came in shortly after (so maybe that's what did it) but she never got upset. Maybe preparing her in advance helped.

Thanks again, mamas!


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