# Refusal to attend preschool



## paula_bear (Nov 23, 2001)

I don't know where to put this, so I'm posting it a few different places. My almost 3 y/o daughter had been attending an "early 3's" preschool program for about 2 mos. We had a 2-week break for the holidays and now she doesn't want to go. She LOVED it before and I cannot understand this sudden refusal to go. She says she doesn't like it, but I can't elicit a more specific explanation. It is only 2 days per week for 2.5 hours. Last Tuesday (first day back) she cried when I left. On Thursday, DH was home so he took her and ended up staying the whole time. (This is discouraged by the staff, because soon all the kids will want Mom or Dad to stay...)

I don't want to force DD to do anything against her will. I just don't understand why the sudden change of heart. I feel confident in the teachers and the program. I like sending her because I feel she learns things there that I cannot teach her here at home. And, I guiltily admit, I enjoy the few hours it gives me to take care of my own needs. DD has always been very attached to me and has only recently (past 18 mos or so) been happy to stay with DH for brief periods. I try my best to respect her needs, but I do feel like I need to loosen the apron strings a small bit.

Any suggestions? I've tried talking to her about it but that hasn't really helped. She stubbornly insists she doesn't like it and doesn't want to go. When I ask why, she replies, "Because." I don't want to ask more specific questions (Is it X? Or Y?) because I notice when I do this (about other things) she just agrees with whatever I come up with.

All advise will be considered. Thanks in advance.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

i just wanted to start by saying that i work in a preschool room in a daycare and it is completely normal for children to start doing this even if she didnt do it before, it is a very typical 3 year old behavior and it can suddenly start, and is very common after a week or two off...

.. i also wanted to state that typically having a parent stay does not mean that all of the children will want their parents to stay. In my experience if you teach children empathy, which is what we try to do, they will understand that so and so's parents stayed a while today because she is sad and such..
... and might i mention we have never had that happen ( a child wanting his/her mom to stay because another did in the 6 years ive been working there).

that said, i must say that the more you stall the worse it can get which may be why the teachers said what they said about parents staying.. if you stay longer when she cries or pleads in my experience, it makes it much worse. children are very bright and i have seen kids cry for mom or dad, and stop the second even they are out of sight... or within a few minutes after they leave...
your best bet is to create a ritual you do every morning, come in, hang up her stuff, put everything away, go in , sit down, maybe read a book, or let her close the door as you leave, or if she can wave good bye out the window, whatever you can create as a ritual will help, and stick to it, dont linger when you say goodbye, kiss her hug her tell her you love her and she will be fine, hand her over to her teacher and walk out the door.....

i know it may sound cruel, especially to AP parents, but i know for a fact that this is the strategy that has worked the best... from what ive seen..
also try talking to her about what is going to happen before you even get there, tell her what will happen and what her day will be like, and even ask her ahead of time which teacher she would like to go see when you have to go..... all of these should help!! good luck!!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I agree with Angela.

LoveBeads
Maddy Moo - 2.5


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## Faith (Nov 14, 2002)

I in no way mean to be disrespectful, but...you asked so here is my two cents...

If this were one of my children (ds-3 or dd-1) I would accept their feelings as valid, and act accordingly, the same way I would want someone to do for me.

Where is the benefit in ignoring what your own child is telling you and forcing them to do something against their will (unless it is a basic safety issue)?

Also, what can a child be taught at pre-school that you could not teach them at home?
If it is just social interaction you are conerned about, join/form a play group.

I can't help but wondering, what exactly would be the dissadvantage if all the parents stayed?

I used to work at a daycare/preschool as well, and seeing all the kids cry for their moms made me so sad. I still remember *me* at age three clinging to my mom's legs while she left me at pre-school!

It may be "normal" but so are ear infections in formula-fed babies, KWIM?

Maybe it "sounds cruel" because it *is* cruel.







:

Of course the kids stop crying once the parent is gone, they are heart-broken, not brain-dead.

I could not turn by back on my crying child.


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## Ragana (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*If this were one of my children (ds-3 or dd-1) I would accept their feelings as valid, and act accordingly, the same way I would want someone to do for me. ...*
We were in this same situation last week after a three-week vacation. I do accept my child's feelings as valid, but for her, sometimes the thought of something is worse than the actual thing - she was fine after 2 minutes (we listened at the door!) and told us she had fun at school with her friends afterward. Of course, the teachers give special attention to the children having a hard time and explain it to the other kids - I think this helps them deal with these difficult situations.

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*Where is the benefit in ignoring what your own child is telling you and forcing them to do something against their will (unless it is a basic safety issue)? ...*
"Forcing" is a bit strong. This mother said that her DH stayed that day.

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*Also, what can a child be taught at pre-school that you could not teach them at home?
If it is just social interaction you are conerned about, join/form a play group....*
That's a family decision, isn't it? We send our daughter to both playgroup (parents stay) and to part-time preschool (parents don't stay) because she loves being with other kids. No cousins or sibs (yet) here. She has made friends there and is learning to deal with all sorts of kids and situations.

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*Maybe it "sounds cruel" because it *is* cruel.







:

Of course the kids stop crying once the parent is gone, they are heart-broken, not brain-dead.

I could not turn by back on my crying child.*
Great way to support this mom - by calling her cruel. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, she does not have to feel guilty for sending her child to preschool! She stated that she needs a little time for herself - well, not all of us have family around that will babysit when we need a little time off. If she doesn't take care of herself, she won't be able to optimally take care of her child.

Our daughter had this same problem for one day after Xmas. We are not big believers in CIO. She cried, we contemplated staying, then decided to leave because she is OK literally in 1-2 minutes after we go as Angela said. She was not "heart-broken" - she had fun with her friends once we were out of the picture. Of course, we listened through the door, and if she had really been hysterical, we would have taken her out. But this has happened before when one of us has left to go out in the evening - should both parents be home 24/7 because the child cried? I don't think so. We acknowledge the feelings, explain the situation, and then move on.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

welcome Back Paula!! Your PM box is full!!

peggy


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## Faith (Nov 14, 2002)

Ragana~

I think you need to pay more attention to what was actually said, and not just what you think was said.

If my child were having those "thoughts" (feelings) I would accept them and allow my child to make their choice. I would not to corerce them, or just leave them.

Paula_Bear was the one that started using the word "force," not me.

Yes, it's a family decision. Did I say it wasn't?

I never called the mom cruel, I as responding to what Avery said about how what she suggested "sounding cruel." Her words, not mine.

I also have *no* family that takes care of my children for me, other than DH.

No, I do not think parents should stay home 24/7. That is not the issue here. The issue is her child not wanting to be left alone at pre-school, isn't it? I just think that there are ways around leaving children to cry. If I was crying, I would want someone to help me. Not leave me and tell me I would be fine later. Expessially if I were a child. If the child likes pre-school so much, they would not cry when they were left there!


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## paula_bear (Nov 23, 2001)

Thanks for the feedback, both positive and negative. I don't think I was "cruel" to take DD to school this morning, and to leave (at the teacher's suggestion) while she was upset and crying. They said they would call if she didn't calm down, so I went home and waited by the phone, feeling a bit upset myself. They did call, to report that DD had calmed down after a short while and that she was happily engaged in the activities they had planned for the day. I felt relieved. When DD came home, we made lunch together and she related her day. I asked, "Do you like school again?" to which she answered with a resounding, "YES!"

So I don't think I actually forced her to do something she didn't want to do. I think I helped her to see that sometimes one needs to persevere beyond the feelings of the moment to discover new things, new experiences. I am not trying to justify my decision, but I think I did the right thing, for the long haul.

I do believe DD learns things in preschool that I cannot teach her here at home. Take sharing. DS is away at school each day and there is a 6 yr age difference btwn the two. So generally, unless it is a special toy, he will let DD play with something if she asks. Can you see me throwing a hissy fit because DD won't let me use the red crayon, or play with the brunette doll? If anything, that would teach her that adults act like spoiled brats! I think that preschool has lots to offer children, when they're ready, that moms simply cannot. I'll be the first to admit that I cannot (nor do I want to) be the be-all, end-all for my kids. I like that they also learn from other adults.

I do have family in the area since we relocated 18 mos ago. But DD still sometimes refuses to stay w/ them. We took her along on our last "date" because she didn't want to stay with DS and PopPop, even though he planned to take the kids to dinner (something fun & exciting.) We modified our plans (eliminating the movie portion of the date) and bought some more paints at the craft store instead. So we aren't callous to DD's needs. But with school, I felt it was simply a matter of DD getting re-aquainted with the schedule and "remembering" how much she likes it.

It seems like it worked out. She enjoyed her day today. I expected her to feel angry with me when she returned home, but she hasn't shown any hurt feelings. And she decided that she does like school, after all, and enjoys spending time with her friends. (One of the reasons we enrolled her is because her good friend also attends.)

I have thought of starting a playgroup, but my work schedule is so inconsistent that I probably couldn't commit to a specific time each week. Our next planned activity is ballet lessons - which DD is quite excited about, although we'll most likely wait 6 mos to a year to begin that. In the meantime, she's content to dress up in her costume and dance!

Thanks again for the feedback. I didn't intend to start an argument here....


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Paula...
peace to you to!

i have read this thread with interest, and i dont think you started any argument! with some people, you just cant win. no matter the subject, no matter the spirit in which it was intended, some people just get their panties in a bunch. it somehow validates their position, and elevates them in their own mind.


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## sozobe (Aug 5, 2002)

Really glad it worked out!

I do think it's important to remember that kids are not just small adults. Their brains are physically different, connections haven't been forged yet, etc., etc. It is not always possible to "accept their feelings as valid, and act accordingly". What do you do when your child refuses to have his/ her diaper changed? Just leave the poop there for a coupla days?









I think this is a situation in which all the safeguards were in place -- if she became truly hysterical, it would be dealt with -- and it was entirely reasonable to give it another try. Again, glad there was a happy ending.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

thank you ragana for supporting my words!! (and lovebeads too!!)


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I've followed this thread with interest.

I think we need to distinguish with children between what is real distress, and what is a protest because they can't imagine the alternative (eg that even once mum has left, preschool activities may well be great fun!)

A good teacher will only tell a parent to leave when she is confident that the child will be fine. I worked in a nursery many years ago, and I can't count how many times a mum would leave almost in tears, and the moment she was out the door, the child would be bouncing around playing. She would then go home and await my call to say that all was well, and probably still spend the rest of the morning worrying, when the child was having a blast.







:

But that is not to say that I won't be exactly the same when it is dds turn to go to school (if we choose to send her, that is). Even now, when she goes to my friend's house for an hour in the afternoon, which she loves doing, she often makes me feel terrible by crying as I leave. But I trust my friend and know that she's telling me the truth that the moment I'm gone, dd is running around bugging her older kids to play. But if I asked dd if she wanted to go, her answer would always be "No".

OTOH, when we went back to her first dance class after Christmas, she told me she didnt want to go. She's never been overly keen on the class or other kids, so in this case, I listened to her and we went to see the ducks in the pond instead. We're going to quit the class because I know she's not really very happy doing it, whether I"m there or not!

My point, and I'm rambling, is that I think we need to give mums credit for knowing the difference between real distress and a nervous flutter about something new, especially after there has been a break and the child is out of the routine.

Glad it worked out fine for your dd, Paula


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## guest^ (Oct 29, 2002)

This small problem seems cleared up, but in the case that it should come back....

I just wanted to offer that many children just are not ready for a group social setting at such a young age...a pattern will surely emerge if that is the case. IMHO- if it's for the *experience* and not a necessity-waiting till the child is a little older might be developmentally better.

An alternative for a mommy break that is less stressful on the child might be a playdate exchange with a friend or a mothers helper.








mamapoppins


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