# Can I pick up my toddler after I give birth?



## roses1001 (Jun 12, 2002)

I'm due with my second child in about a month, and my ds will be about 19 months old. My midwife has mentioned several times that I really shouldn't pick up or carry my toddler for about 6 weeks pp! My ds is high-need, and I still have to carry him a lot during the day to keep him happy. How in the world is it possible to not pick him up for 6 weeks?







I can't even imagine how it would be possible to wait just a couple weeks. My midwife just keeps saying, "just let him climb into your lap"; but that's not good enough for ds--I have to be standing up!

Has anyone else been given this advice? How important is it that I follow it? I had previously just told myself that things would work out somehow, and I was trying not to worry about it. But, I guess as the time draws nearer, I'm getting worried again. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt so sorry for my ds--I just feel like he's going to be traumatized by the new baby if I can't even pick him up!







He's not nursing anymore, either, so he doesn't even have that to comfort him. These days he usually gets his comfort from me holding him, walking, and bouncing him.

Sorry this is so long. Anyone have any advice?


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

i was carrying my then 35 lbs 2.5 yo within a couple of days of giving birth. i had a quick birth with no episiotomy or tear and i felt great within hours of birth (even after having had an epidural). i think it really depends up on how you feel - you should trust and honor what your body is telling you. i think its a good idea to have as much help pp as possible when you have another little one around. dh was thankfully able to take 4 weeks off work to be home with me and did a lot of toddler care, but there were definitely times that i needed/wanted to carry ds. had it caused my physical pain or increased my pp bleeding, i wouldn't have done it. anyhow, i don't think there's anything magical about 6 weeks pp. i would resume carrying your ds as soon as *you* feel ready. just remember that you might have to carry one in each arm :LOL.

btw, congrats and good luck


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

the big issue for me would be - how are your pelvic floor muscles pp? if you pick up yr ds soon after birth and your pelvic floor is weak or stretched or damaged then you risk prolapse of pelvic organs and long term problems like incontinence, this is no doubt what yr mw is concerned about

do your kegels and rest lying down as much as you can in the early days


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## roses1001 (Jun 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emmaline*
the big issue for me would be - how are your pelvic floor muscles pp? if you pick up yr ds soon after birth and your pelvic floor is weak or stretched or damaged then you risk prolapse of pelvic organs and long term problems like incontinence, this is no doubt what yr mw is concerned about

Yes, I'm sure this is what my mw is concerned about. So, how do I know if my pelvic floor is weak or stretched or damaged? Is this something my mw can check?

Thanks.


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

The issue isn't whether your pelvic floor is weak, stretched or damaged. The issue is you need to focus on healing.

I personally believe that it is pretty important that you follow her advice. And this is coming from a mother of a HN child (so I know _exactly_ where *you* are coming from and what your







sons needs are.)

I feel pretty passionate about this seldom discussed topic - postpartum care.

Women in third world countries (many cultures - even in cities - not just country folks) observe a custom 40 days of bedrest after birth. This is even mentioned in the bible.

Why? Because birth is a humongous physical event (blood loss, etc...) and new mothers are taken care of by other women in their families (mother, sisters, aunts, etc...) and fed nourishing foods that help re-build iron levels and give the mom strength.

Each culture has it's own foods/recipes for new moms. New moms just focus on resting, healing and BFing. Some mothers in some cultures are given daily massages in the first week after birth.

and they are *absolutely prohibited* from walking up and down stairs, bending down, carrying anything heavy, etc... (the other women take over household chores...) because it interferes with the internal healing (it takes about 6 weeks for the uterus to shrink back to it's pre-pg state, no?) Guatemalen women are made to wear a fabric over their abdomens (tight shawl) to help their uterus contract back into shape. When you lift something heavy, it strains your pelvic floor.

The problem with American/Western women are very independent/strong minded and we take pride on how fast we are mobile/active again. Many moms (even after a Csec







) are supermarket food shopping within a week of giving birth! In addition, we don't live near our female family members (and it's not understood here how important it is for them to fly in and really care for the new mom - hence we see more *postpartum depression.*) Sadly, this tradition is not a part of our culture.









The BIGGEST problem is... *uterine prolapse issues* are cropping up for some women. That means you feel your insides falling out.







I had this scare happen to me 6 months postpartum. I remember my El Savadorean cleaning woman chide me for climbing up and down the stairs when I was only 1-2 home postpartum. I dismissed her concerns (I didn't know any better.) IMO, my stitches gave me a false sense of security (other women believe the same thing) I really should have been resting.

There are threads on the Health & Healing board (and pg boards) on this topic, where other MDC mamas talk about it:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...earchid=103450

This is why your







midwife is telling you this.

I have learned my lesson. I am SO going to take it easy this time. I am NOT going to be taking care of my 4 year old during the postpartum. I'm so going to take it easy for the first 40 days - as much as humanly possible. No going out food shopping, no laundry, no nothing.... *I lined up a full-time babysitter for him... who will also prepare me/us meals, run errands, take him to preschool. I'm just going to stay in bed, recuperating and reading good books.*

Last time I was walking, up and down stairs and feeling REALLY overwhelmed and after 2 weeks - *suicidal* - I wanted to jump in my pool and drown myself. (Giancarlo was high needs and needed to be held 24/7. David was home, but tensed up holding him, so I was holding him all day). It was NOT postpartum depression, I was just physically overwhelmed and felt like I had no emotional support. My sister flew in on week 3 (we begged her) and basically held him the entire week, giving me a much needed break. That lifted my spirits tremendously. By week 4 and MIL's visit, I was fine.

A few months later I had some prolapse issues... I am now convinced it's because I didn't take it easy (it's not really emphasized in our culture - like others.)

Waking up every 2-3 hours (as I co-sleep with my newborn and probably 4 yr old) to nurse won't be a problem as long as I'm happy, well-rested and well-fed - which I will be!

*Is there anyway for you to line up care for yourself...* Can DH stay a week or home with you... helping to care for your DS. Any family members????

This is a real dilema, I know. You really need help at home. You should not be left alone the first few weeks dealing with a newborn, your own needs AND a HN toddler.

These are great books:








After the Baby's Birth by Robin Lim (more detailed, haven't finished this one yet.)

Natural Health After Birth by Aviva Jill Romm (shorter, great overview about other post partum traditions around the world.)


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

My mw hasn't mentioned anything about it yet. I'm due July 12, and have a 3yo. Dh is only going to be home for 2 weeks post partum, so it certainly can't be any longer than that!


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## CraftyMommaOf2 (Mar 23, 2004)

My mom is flying in for a week when I have the babe and the MIL will fly in for about 2 wks. They are going to try to make it so that MIL gets here on the same day or the day after. Can you arrange something like this?


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## roses1001 (Jun 12, 2002)

Thanks for all the replies. My mom will be coming out to help for a week, and my dh has a pretty flexible schedule right now, so he can take some time off. I guess I'm just worried about my ds because I know he doesn't do well with strangers (so I doubt that he will accept my mom as a comforter). Sometimes he doesn't even accept dh as a comforter, although we're working on that right now. We're trying to get ds comfortable with dh for bedtime and as the night-time comforter. I guess I was also just worried about the 6 week time-frame. Thinking about the help I will have, I guess I might be able to manage 2 weeks--but 6 weeks just seems like so long! I can't imagine how I'm going to be able to get my ds to take a nap if I can't walk/carry/bounce him--that's the only way he'll nap. I guess I could take a drive, but then that would involve me going down stairs (we live in an apartment), then lifting ds into his carseat. I guess that's better than bouncing a toddler for 15 minutes...


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## Jillerina (Apr 3, 2003)

Laura, I just want to say you can do it. You can care for your son and care for yoruself while you recover. I had emergency surgery with lots of complications when DD was 19months old. She was also a kid that was used to being held a lot and nursed to sleep for all naps and bedtimes (I had to wean her abruptly as a result of the surgery and meds). On top of it all, she also was not comforted very much by DHs attempts. When I went into hospital and eventually emerged very weak and barely able to care for myself let alone my daughter DH just worked VERY hard at establishing new routines. When he went back to work I learned all about creative parenting...I taught Clara to do all kinds of things I previously thought were too difficult and we worked on new ways for falling asleep. It took time and was mentally challenging BUT physically I was rested and was not overexerting myself.

Every situation is different and obviously you will be dealing with 2 babies but I just wanted to let you know that it can be done. Who knows what will work for you in the end but I know you, DH, and DS will come out of it with flying colours!

Good Luck!


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## roses1001 (Jun 12, 2002)

Laurel, thanks so much for the little pep talk! I really needed that.







I'm sure you're right--we'll find things that will work for us, and we'll get through the tough adjustment period somehow.


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## CuckooMamma (Aug 11, 2002)

I just wanted to add my voice to Jillerina's. My dd is almost 3, and we still have days where I'm almost always carrying her. Of course, when she wants to be independent she's off and running and playing by herself. It's those other times and sleep times that present the problem if I'm not feeling 100% like you won't be postpartum. Like your situation, dd doesn't find dh to be a comfort when she really "needs" to be comforted, nevermind anyone else.

Earlier this year I was pregnant and feeling pretty miserable for those early weeks. I found that as soon as dd saw me lay in bed, she asked to be held and seemed to lose her emotional equilibrium. On the other hand, if I went to wash dishes in the kitchen while she played and then just happen to sit down, well - that was okay. If I sat on the couch either watching her play or talking to her while she played and just happen to then recline and lay down, that was okay. We eventually moved her dollhouse onto a little table right in front of our bed. Recently, I was able to lay on the bed while she played and even drift off without her getting upset. If you can work out something like that in your bedroom, that may help your dc to need less holding and allow you some rest.

Unfortunately, we ended up mc at 14 weeks. No one had warned me that I shouldn't carry her and so I did even during the mc. Although dh did a great job with distractions, we did run into some difficulties. Again, I think she found the fact that mamma was definitely experiencing some pain to be scary. We did have both a nap and bedtime to conquer during the strongest part of the mc. I explained to her that I needed to lay down for nap time rather than "dance" and she handled it pretty well. We were able to nurse, but I also did a lot of back rubbing. At night we made sure she was good and tired, definitely later bedtime than usual, and dh bounced her with me holding her hand and kissing her face/hair periodically. She was tired enough that she passed out after only a few protests. Nothing heartbreaking. The rougher time was during the day when I think she felt more frightened.

My few words of wisdom would be to be very honest with your son and look right into his eyes, tell him that you love him more than anything, but that mamma's belly hurts like when he eats " fill in the blank" and she can't stand and hold him. If he still is sad, just sit and hold him and rock him. If he feels your honesty, he will be okay. Give him as much attention during the day aside from standing and holding him and that may help to keep some of his emotional equilibrium. And as Jillerina said, you will find that you're an even more amazingly creative parent than you imagined. You will all do great, and you'll be back here giving us tips!


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jillerina*
When he went back to work I learned all about creative parenting...I taught Clara to do all kinds of things I previously thought were too difficult and we worked on new ways for falling asleep. It took time and was mentally challenging BUT physically I was rested and was not overexerting myself.











I'm very happy to read that! It is possible. Avoid doing _anything_ that is a physical strain for you, like:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roses1001*
I guess I could take a drive, but then that would involve me going down stairs (we live in an apartment), then lifting ds into his carseat. I guess that's better than bouncing a toddler for 15 minutes...


Quote:

*Mothers who have just given birth and have relatively unstable joints in their pelvis from the birth process by are at even greater risk for injury.*
That quote comes from a Mothering Q&A.
I am trying to provide parents of young children with some suggestions of how to take care of their own backs given the physical stresses of caring for young ones. What would you recommend as basic strategies to help parents, especially in relation to all the carrying, lifting, and transferring of young children?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CuckooMamma*
My few words of wisdom would be to be very honest with your son and look right into his eyes, tell him that you love him more than anything, but that mamma's belly hurts like when he eats " fill in the blank" and she can't stand and hold him. If he still is sad, just sit and hold him and rock him. If he feels your honesty, he will be okay. Give him as much attention during the day aside from standing and holding him and that may help to keep some of his emotional equilibrium. And as Jillerina said, you will find that you're an even more amazingly creative parent than you imagined. You will all do great, and you'll be back here giving us tips!

























My apologies for sounding too negative, which probably added to your stress & anxiety. I'm very sorry about that.


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