# When your children hurt your feelings



## robin1377 (May 26, 2005)

Do you let them know?

I'm not feeling well today; fever, chills, the works. My 5 yo DD has been just NASTY to me since she got home from school and found out I was sick. She's been excessively demanding, told me I'm dumb and that she doesn't care about me or like me and on and on for the past few hours. She does this EVERY time I'm sick. When I tell her I need to lay down for a minute she jumps on my head. When I tell her I have a headache she yells in my ear. In general, this is a child who has a difficult time with me ever getting my own needs met if it involves me not being present and attentive (laying down to rest for a few minutes is something that NEVER happens for me)

So for the most part I try to let it roll off my back. I realize she is competing for attention and trying to get a rise out of me so I try to let it go. But at the end of the day, I'm exhausted, run down and trying to get her to bed. She's telling me I'm dumb and that she hates me and eventually I just can't take it. So I tell her I'm done. Anything she want to say will have to wait for morning. A screaming fit ensues, she wants a story, she wants to snuggle, she want this that and the other. Meanwhile my head is about to explode. So finally I told her, and I'm quite sure this falls under the category of shaming which I'm not ok with, that she was hurting my feelings and being disrespectful and that I didn't want to be around someone who treated me like that. I told that she had hurt my feelings and that I was so angry I need to be alone for a while. At which point she erupted into tears. Now she feels bad, I feel bad but at least she finally went to bed.

I know that I don't want to guilt my child into being nice to me. But I also feel like she needs to understand that her words and actions have an effect on me. Children often think of their parents as some sort of superhero that exists without the burden of emotions. I want my DD to understand that that is not necessarily the case but I'm quite sure I went about it in the wrong way.

Any thoughts, advise, stories? I'd love to get some input on this.

Thanks,
Robin


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

At that age, I absolutely would let her know.

When anything rocks the security of my DD's world (like me being sick, for example), I know that's what drives her out-of-character behavior. But I don't think it's ever too early for age-appropriate teaching that words and actions can have a bad effect on other people. Reassure her that you'll be fine and hopefully a lot of that acting out will resolve itself.

Would she be interested in playing that she's the doctor and you're the patient or that she's the mommy taking care of her sick baby (you)?

I'm a single mom, too, and being sick and parenting with no respite is just god awful no matter how you slice it.

Hope you're feeling better soon!


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:

So finally I told her, and I'm quite sure this falls under the category of shaming which I'm not ok with, that she was hurting my feelings and being disrespectful and that I didn't want to be around someone who treated me like that. I told that she had hurt my feelings and that I was so angry I need to be alone for a while.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with you saying this to your daughter. In my opinion you did not shame her or induce guilt: you told her your true honest feelings, that her actions were unacceptable to you, and that you were not going to let it continue.

If your daughter was playing with a friend and you overheard her tell her friend that she was stupid, dumb, and that she hated her... if the friend said she didn't feel well and needed some time alone and your daughter proceeded to jump on her head and yell in her ear on purpose...what would you do?

I am guessing that if your daughter were treating someone else like this you would not just encourage the friend to let it "roll of her back." Likewise, you should not let it go when she is treating you in this way. Your daughter needs to develop some empathy for you as a person, or at the least needs to learn that you are not her punching bag.

We are parents, and the needs of our children come first in a lot of situations. But I am a firm believer that children need to learn that parents have needs too, and that sometimes we need to take care of ourselves, or be taken care of in certain situations.

Maybe you can get to the root of why she feels like she needs to say abusive things and hurt you physically when you need to take time for yourself. Does she feel insecure and scared that the person who takes care of her needs care sometimes, too and then lashes out? Or does she not understand that you might have needs, and it makes her angry when you are not able to be there 100% for _her_ needs? Or is she feeling a strong need for attention and can't seem to handle "no" when you are unable to give it completely?

I think that talking to your daughter about this one-on-one after the issue is over would be a good idea. When the emotions are not so high on both ends explain that you love her, but that her words and actions hurt your feelings, and it is not okay for her to say or do these things to you. Maybe together you can figure out some ideas and solutions for next time.


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## uccellina (Jan 26, 2006)

I think you're doing everything right, but I just wanted to offer another perspective. When I was a kid, my mother had chronic asthma and was sick a lot. It made me VERY anxious when she was ill. Sometimes I expressed that anxiety as hostility or bad behavior, I think because if she was able to yell at me or discipline me, that meant she was okay, she was still able and in charge. Maybe your daughter is having similar anxiety?


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

My daughter is almost 5 and we talk about things like this. I think it is important for children to learn about empathy, through kind and compassionate communication. We talk about how her words/actions make other people feel both when she is kind and when she is hurtful. I will be honest though, that I have simply ignored hurtful comments when she is tired or not feeling well, or when I AM tired and not feeling well. Sometimes, I know I can't deal with it appropriatly, so I just ignore it. Hurtful actions, though, like screaming in your ear, I would absolutly put a stop to. I will not tolerate hurting other people in our home. We don't spank, and we don't allow our children to hit/hurt each other or us.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

What you said was perfect. You stood up for yourself without being insulting or mean to her.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

I think you did good! Respect goes both ways and she needs to know how you feel in order for her to respect your feelings!

Hope you feel better soon!


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## nalo (Oct 25, 2005)

what you told her was not shaming and given her age and the situation it sounds entirely appropriate to me.


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## robin1377 (May 26, 2005)

Thank you everyone for the reassuring words. I definately feel better about my response. I guess I just felt like in the moment I was coming from a place of anger and probably came across a little harsher that I intended to. But I definately agree that I need to put personal boundries in place and teach her to respect them. I was much more firm with her yesterday about what I needed for myself and what I expected from her and it went much better. I'm not sure if that was due to what I said yesterday or my blow up the night before but regardless, I actually got some time to lay down and rest while she painted me a picture.

Thanks for the good wishes.
Robin


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I think what you said was perfect-- I've actually said similar things to my 3 yo. The point is to communicate your feelings-- and if she then happens to feel a little guilty about it- well, I guess I think that's a healthy emotional response on her part. While I would never manipulate my child with guilt, I would really feel like something was wrong for a child to be unable to experience guilt themselves (not sure if I worded that well, but I hope you get my meaning) I also often make a point fo explaining- just like you did- that I don't like to be around people who hurt me (she still hits, etc. when angry occasionally) and I always try to take it a step further and say that I hope SHE will not let anyone hurt her either, and that she should go away from someone if she needs to to keep herself safe.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I think that she *should* feel badly for how she behaved toward you.

Don't you feel badly when you know you have hurt someone's feelings? Guilt is not always this horrible thing. We have it for a reason.

You have needs too. She is not the center of the entire universe and should not be allowed to think that she is. She needs to learn that other people matter too.

I think you did fine.


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## Freefromitall (Sep 15, 2008)

I let them know. I never saw it as shaming before, that's an interesting perspective.
I saw it as being honest with them.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

i am personally leary of folks who think any kind of talk about innapropriate behavoir is "shaming." as another poster mentioned, there is innapropriate guilt but there is also perfectly appropriate guilt. more importantly ALL of our feelings serve a really important purpose as our personal guidance system, including guilt or regret (which i define as feeling bad about actions vs bad about self).
when we cut off access to appropriate feelings that help us navigate this world, we cut off emotional maturity and a really important guidance mechinism.

what the op said is to dd is fine, not just because she wants her dd to be more respectful of people in general and especially people in pain - and thsi is NOT to early to learn about compassion and others feelings - but because she doesnt want to model behavior to her daughter that she should put up with abuse like her mommy does.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

I don't think that sounds like shaming at all. You didn't tell her she was a bad person for not understanding your needs, you just told her that you had to put limits on how she could treat you.

I do think I'd try to address her anxiety about you being down and not feeling well, I agree with the PP that said it sounded like she was testing limits to make sure you were still "there"

One thing that works for us when I'm ill is for me to give my son tasks to do rather than saying I need space, I send him to do something that will give me a bit of space. It makes him feel good to be helping mommy. (I was on bedrest all summer so we had a lot of practice)


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## RoadToAvonlea (Nov 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *robin1377* 
So finally I told her, and I'm quite sure this falls under the category of shaming which I'm not ok with, that she was hurting my feelings and being disrespectful and that I didn't want to be around someone who treated me like that. I told that she had hurt my feelings and that I was so angry I need to be alone for a while. At which point she erupted into tears. Now she feels bad, I feel bad but at least she finally went to bed.

can i ask why you would think this is shaming? i'm new here and have starting reading the gentle dicipline threads, and i dont understand how this can be percieved as shaming. if it were anyone else wouldnt you tell them they're hurting your feelings?


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## sharon.gmc (Nov 17, 2008)

I think your child's intellect can understand if you explain it to her gently. . .


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## robin1377 (May 26, 2005)

I guess I felt like I was shaming, or I guess guilting is a better description, because internally I wanted to make her feel bad and that felt wrong to me. I felt that the way I was talking to her was a bit harsh and that the situation could have been handled in a more gentle manner.

I had been explaining to her all day that the way she was treating me was unacceptable and she knew how I felt. She just didn't seem to care. It's not like I was letting her hurl insults at me with no response. But I was trying not to make a big deal out of it for both her sake and mine. I knew she was acting out out of insecurity and I didn't have the strength put up a huge fight. I asked her why she was treating me the way that she was and she said, because you're sick. So I asked what she wants from me when she's sick and she said, love. So it's not like she didn't get it, it's not like I wasn't very clear about what I needed.

So at the end of the day when my patience was gone I did what I, in the moment, felt was the last resort. I made her feel guilty for the way she had treated. And I agree with a PP that guilt is a valid learning tool but I also believe that it is something that should be felt internally, not inflicted intentionally.

I'm not saying that what I said was shaming, I'm just saying that internally it felt like that's what I was doing.


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