# Leaving this Board



## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

DH is upset and mad at me because I am not my normal happy cheery self, and I am pushing everyone away.

So, in order to be happy cheery, I am not going to be able to come here, otherwise I will not be able to keep up the false sense of being happy and that there is nothing wrong.

Good luck to everyone.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

I hate to think that your husband--who is supposed to love and support you unconditionally--is trying to rush you through your grief and the grieving process.

You are not beholden to anyone to be happy and cheery just for their sake. If your husband is focusing on your sadness, maybe it's because he doesn't want to cope with his own.

Perhaps some grief counseling would be helpful?

Either way, I hope you are able to find a way to honor yourself and also your husband.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Stop in when you need to....this board is actually what helped restore some of my happiness.

Take care,

Keri


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

khaoskat first of all big







to you.

2nd, my husband felt the same way about this board & another I am on when we were early into our grief. I would get on here & tell my story & just cry & cry & cry. He thought it was making me worse. What he came understand is that it was indeed helping me heal. That I needed an unbiased safe place to just pour out my emotions too. I needed to know I was not alone in my mourning. I think that mourning our babies is different than mourning a father, mother, husband. Perhaps share with him the caring responses you have recieved. Let him know that this does not hold you in your grief, but that it helps you walk this journey. As it is a journey...that will be with you the rest of your life. Good luck what ever you decide. And if & when you want to come back....we will be here to hold you up.


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## ariahsmum (Jun 15, 2004)

Uh, I am so sorry you are feeling pressured to be happy and cheery when it isn't time to be that way. I wonder if pretending to be that way is more damaging in the long run than to just walk thru the very dark labarynth of grief in a real way- however ughly. I spent one day in bed 2 weeks after my son died, and I got all sorts of pressure to get up and continue on, and act normal for everyone else. So the next day I decided to be June Cleaver.

I told a dear friend about my new persona and he suggested I was really "June with a Cleaver" instead. He was right- boy was I angry at the suggestion that I act happy and productive when I had just lost soooo much.

So now I tell people you get what you get. Even if it is June with a Cleaver or stay in bed for a week Jaya. I hope you can get to the same place of authenticity with yourself and dh at some point soon.

Blessings, wise grieving one,


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

This board is the only thing that has helped me keep my sanity and made me feel like I was not going crazy. I felt like I was weak for grieving so hard, but I have learned here that what I am feeling is completely normal.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

khaoskat. I'm sorry you're feeling rushed away from this safe haven. Probably I should detach myself too ... Although it does help at the beginning to be here, I'm finding that sticking around is making me a little obsessive about things. I hope that you will find that having been here and grieved here and shared here was just what you needed, and that moving away from here is going to free you to move on and start to get back to your life.

Good luck and








Judi


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

I think men & women deal with things so differently -- hopefully he is just trying to help you the best way he jnows how & just isn't doing great. I hope you can get the time & space you need to grieve & heal.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Please don't do this.

Your DH needs to understand that you will never be the same person as before your baby died.

You don't have to "push everyone away" for them to scatter when you enter a room. The fact of our existence disturbs people's carefully constructed view of reality as a safe place where nothing bad happens to cute little babies, unless you "mess up" in some way. That's why many people's reaction is "What did you do?" when they find out your baby died. Thankfully most people don't say it out loud! But they just want to know what you did so they can pat themselves on the back that THEY didn't do that, so THEY are "safe."

It's part of the messed up backwards way this culture deals with tragedy. The other part is blaming you for feeling sad and grieving. They want you to act like stuff's OK so THEY don't have to deal with the fact that life sucks sometimes. Nevermind that stuffing your grief will literally kill you if you try to do it long term. The only way out is through, and stuffing it so no one has to see it will only make it eat you from the inside out until you can't pretend anymore and you snap.

Just because your DH doesn't understand that, doesn't make it less true.
Maybe he needs to sit down and talk with you and a grief counselor to help him get past this bizarre idea that pretending everything's OK is a viable solution to HIS problems.

My DH has felt similarly, but thankfully he is smart enough to recognize that stuffing the grief down will only cause more problems than anything. And also to realize I'm a woman, not a man, and I have to deal with things on my terms. It's not always going to be the same way he processes things, because I'm NOT HIM.








:

I hope you two can work things out, and come to a place of being able to support each other, in the REAL world.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Debstmomy* 
khaoskat first of all big 







to you.

2nd, my husband felt the same way about this board & another I am on when we were early into our grief. I would get on here & tell my story & just cry & cry & cry. He thought it was making me worse. What he came understand is that it was indeed helping me heal. That I needed an unbiased safe place to just pour out my emotions too. I needed to know I was not alone in my mourning. I think that mourning our babies is different than mourning a father, mother, husband. Perhaps share with him the caring responses you have recieved. Let him know that this does not hold you in your grief, but that it helps you walk this journey. As it is a journey...that will be with you the rest of your life. Good luck what ever you decide. And if & when you want to come back....we will be here to hold you up.


Same here. In fact I've went to a few memorial sites parents have in their links from here (even your Alexa Rose who btw is an absolute doll)...and I just cry and cry...but for me, it doesn't depress me...its just a way I cope.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i am sorry you are leaving, khaoskat.

my dh felt the same way. at first he thought it was good that i found some other people who really understood. then he became impatient, i think, for me to get 'back to normal'. sometimes i think he resents me or this place or something, because i am not the same person i was before all of this happened.

i just ignore dh when he gripes about the computer. we have talked about this with our grief therapist, and if i truely felt that coming to mdc was hindering me in any way, i would stop. but as i don't believe it is, i come and read and share and think and allow myself some space to feel whatever it is that i can't stop feeling since coral died.

maybe it would be good to take a break, but if you were feeling that it was helping you to come here, i hope you can come back when you need to.

carrying the baby inside our bodies, i think we as women experience the loss in a very different way- it might be hard for a man to really get this.

by the way, i really feel that an expectation to be happy and cheery after you have lost your baby is completely unreasonable. pushing people away when we are hurting is normal and healthy and necessary.

its been 19 months since coral died. dh himself commented how surpised he is at how bad he still feels. and it is so soon after for you... please know i am thinking of you and we all care so much about you...


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommysusie* 
This board is the only thing that has helped me keep my sanity and made me feel like I was not going crazy. I felt like I was weak for grieving so hard, but I have learned here that what I am feeling is completely normal.









:

I'm sorry your DH is rushing you.







I hope you are able to come back at some point. I would be lost without these mamas here. I hope your DH is able to realize at some point that you aren't like him and you need this time (however long that may be) and this place to grieve for your baby.

My DH and I grieve differently and I am often times at a loss when he breaks down and totally loses it. Maybe yours is the same way. He doesn't know how to help you and he feels like this forum is bringing you down even further. I hope you're able to work this out between the two of you and come to an understanding about each other's healing processes.







s


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry you are feeling the pressure to "get over it". The truth is you will never "Get over it". You will learn to live with it. One thing of which I am certain is that grief is very patient and if you do not face it and go through it now, you will eventually, whether it's a month from now, a year from now or a decade from now, you cannot hide forever from grief. I encourage you to have the courage to not "get over it" but to "Get through it."
Gossamer


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Two weeks after our son's death, my DH suggested I was "dwelling on it". I had never been so hurt, but after the anger and betrayl from that comment started to fade... I realized that his comment came from his own deep, deep denial.
It took over six weeks for what happened to really hit him. He kept getting wound tighter and tighter, until I thought for sure I had to leave him, and then one night he just broke. He crumpled into a heap on the kitchen floor and cried like a newborn, and I Sat with him for hours. He agreed to take Paxil, and he started to get better.

He still isn't very good with talking about him, but he's better. He knows now, and he knows that it will be different for me, and that's just how it is...
Your husband will understand too, I think his words come from the same place: denial.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am so sorry mama!








Please know that if and when you return, you are always welcome here. You are wanted and needed.


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