# Do you ever feel genuinely envious when you compare your kids to others?



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Not a rhetorical question. This is something I have really been wondering. Hope the thread can stay civil.

I have sometimes felt jealous over little things, like wishing I had kids who stayed close in crowds (both my kids are such wanderers!). In the broader picture--I used to feel sincerely jealous of people who had easygoing kids who did not freak out and throw tantrums and generally...obstruct. This was when I had just one. As it turned out, kid #2 IS easygoing, and I don't really have that worm in my heart anymore.

In terms of being jealous of other kids' accomplishments or talents or looks or whatever--no, not really. However, I know my DH feels a little envious when he runs into kids who are really musical. (DH is musical, but the kids don't seem to be.) I don't. I truly feel happy for the kids/parents when I see awesome, unique, amazing attributes that my kids don't have.

But I do know what it is like to feel jealous of another parent whose kid seems to BEHAVE so much better than yours, or to be so much easier to parent.


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

You know, I think everybody is jealous of something about other kids or parents sometimes. It's human nature. Unless you live with a lot of jealousy, constantly, I think just let yourself feel it and let it pass on.


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Maybe I should clarify, because I think my title is misleading. I'm not concerned about my own jealousy levels. I just wonder how common it is in other parents, and how serious the feelings are. I wonder this in part because of some situations in my life that are making me feel the need to get a feel for how common jealousy of other parents/other kids is.

I suppose it will be really hard to get accurate answers.


----------



## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

All the time. And I comment on it, and we bond.







I'm jealous of the way my niece is so polite all the time. My SIL is jealous of the way my two kids can play together and entertain each other.

I'm jealous of the way my friend's kid listens so well. She's jealous of the way my DD is so outgoing and makes friends so easily.

Everyone has something.


----------



## Petie1104 (Oct 26, 2010)

Yup, I'm jealous that other parent's don't have a child that is as demanding as my dd. I'm jealous that other parent's have children that are coordinated enough to excel at sports. I'm jealous when I see children who know what an inside voice is. Doesn't mean I love mine any less, but jealousy is a human emotion and I believe we possess it for a good reason. It can go overboard, but it can also make us reach for higher goals. I accept it.


----------



## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

No, but I get really pissed when other people don't appreciate how lucky they are to have healthy, whole children. My daughter is profoundly deaf, has a tremendous language delay, and struggles to learn to read because of brain damage caused by a doctor's negligence. My daughter doesn't deserve to have to struggle every minute of her life because of the arrogance of one man.

Jealous, no. Mad, yeah.


----------



## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Nope. I wish my kids were easier to deal with sometimes, but I'm never jealous when someone else has easier kids.


----------



## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I am, my DD has been _extremely_ difficult at times. She would scream, throw crazy tantrums, run away and just be awful. I would see other moms with kids her age who mellow children and wonder "WTH?! am I doing wrong?" Really though, she is an amazing, precocious, spirited little girl who now makes me laugh most days. As a toddler she was just _rough._ Still there are days I wish she would just calm down a bit.

I'm jealous of my SILs who are both mothers of more kids who do it more gracefully than me, I feel like a boat being tossed in a hurricane half the time. My friend tells me I run a tight ship, but I always feel like it's half sinking.

Mostly though I am happy, I have 2 beautiful bright children who are wonderful for who they are.


----------



## VBMama (Jan 6, 2004)

When I just had one, and he was an INCREDIBLY high needs baby/toddler, I was jealous of the parenting experience that I thought other parents were having with their children when it looked easier than mine. Now, a few more years and a few more kids into parenting, I realize that everyone has different struggles and different joys with their children, no matter what you see on the surface. So in answer to your original question, yes, I used to feel envious of other children sometimes, but I rarely do anymore.


----------



## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

When DD was a baby, yeah. Other people had babies who'd sit happily for hours in a bean bag or bouncinette. Mine wouldn't do that for two minutes. I loved holding her, but, you know, _occasionally_ I wanted to do wild things like brush my teeth or make dinner.

Now as a toddler, I mostly feel lucky. She's not abnormally good, but she's healthy and happy and attractive and smart and generally delightful. I occasionally feel guilty about how easy/privileged she is.


----------



## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

My jealousies are mostly perceived behavior ones. I say perceived because literally EVERY time I have mentioned it (generally only to people I am close to/trust), the mom enlightens me that yes, they did/do have difficult moments! And not in a self-deprecating or putting their kid down way--just in a very real way.

Those conversations have helped me grow immensely--both in how I perceive my own kids, but also in modeling how to compassionately respond to parents having a hard time/going with their kids through a difficult phase.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Never when it was just ds1. I have had envious moments over some behavioural things with dd1 and ds2. I envy my own mom, because my sister and I didn't fight, and dd1 and ds2 squabble. all. the. time. I was sometimes envious of the other moms at ds2's preschool, when their kids followed them to the car, and ds2 ran outside or went into the squash court and started screaming (it echoed - yes, it was way cool, and I'd have loved it as a kid). I envied moms with babies who wanted to cuddle, bedshare, be worn around the house, etc. when dd1 was a baby (she wanted none of those things). I sometimes envy people who can offer the advice of "just read to him if you're not feeling well", because their child will actually sit still and be read to for more than one short paragraph (dd1 will - ds2 won't).

So, yes - I have my envious moments. Like you, OP, I'm okay with them. I adore my kids - they're a crazy, highly energetic, creative, intelligent, active, engaging bunch, which is a lot of fun. It's just very tiring sometimes.


----------



## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

I am jealous of people whose children have beautiful, luxurious heads of hair, and the ones who are totally potty-trained by their second birthdays, and I am a teensy bit jealous of people who have girls. DS1 was a high-needs baby, but it actually never occurred to me that other babies were any different. I assumed EVERYBODY'S babies were like him. DS2 is pretty mellow, and I am grateful every single day for that. Really, I think my guys are pretty wonderful, and I have no complaints. They will grow hair and take care of pottying themselves if I just keep waiting. Chances of one of them turning into a girl are pretty low (though I suppose not inconceivable).


----------



## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I am jealous of people that have children that actually sleep. 3 children and almost 8 years and not a single one actually STTN. Apparently my genetic material does not produce sleeping children.









I am slightly bitter after weeks of even more nightwaking then usual and a 18m old who has been up since 1am.


----------



## Jaxinator (Dec 28, 2009)

Quite honestly, no. He's completely perfect for me.
Sometimes I wish my kid was a bit less picky with food, but other than that....

I'm pretty sure I lucked out completely and I'm scared if I have another child that it'll be difficult.


----------



## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
I am jealous of people that have children that actually sleep. 3 children and almost 8 years and not a single one actually STTN. Apparently my genetic material does not produce sleeping children.









I am slightly bitter after weeks of even more nightwaking then usual and a 18m old who has been up since 1am.



















As I was reading I was thinking that the only thing I'm ever jealous about is parents who are well rested- or at least better rested than me. Everything else I just attribute to the ups and downs of each stage and personality type.


----------



## Ninetales (Jan 25, 2009)

The only thing I ever really envy is when my sister puts her baby in her crib for a nap and she just...lies there, and goes to sleep. Mine thinks naps are a joke and it can be really hard going for a visit with someone when she gets tired, because it's very hard to get her to sleep anywhere, especially when we're not home. But at least she sleeps well at night so I cling to that.


----------



## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

The only time I'm jealous of other parents is when I'm in a store and my kids are all over the place and then I see some family walking along with their kids being nice and quiet and just behaving.

Other than those times, I'm glad I have kids with energy and curiosity. I just wish they weren't so curious when we are shopping.









I do wish ds2 didn't have a food allergy. It just makes his life so much harder when he can't have what everyone else has.


----------



## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

I try not to. I mean I REALLY REALLY try, because I do know how lucky I am. They are healthy, happy, have two arms, two legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, no sickness, no behavioral or developmental delays. REally, im very blessed, and I remind myself of that every.single.day.

But on days where I see a 10 month old sitting in a stroller, quietly occupying himself with a baby toy, giggling and squealing to himself, I get slightly jealous that neither of my kids were every like, and STILL arent. They are go.go.go all.day.long, and I get worn out. But when i put them to bed, and i sit in the quiiet living room after picking up the toys, putting away the dirty clothes, cleaning up the juice spills and dirty floor, and reflect on the evening and the moments of pure bliss, I remember just how lucky I am.

WAs that totally hokey or what?


----------



## petey44 (Nov 6, 2008)

Nope, my kid is the kid everyone else is jealous of








But seriously, in my mind it is like that. I think my daughter's great, and I just assume that she's her grandparent's favorite and a favorite at daycare. I guess I could be wrong...


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

You mean like when all the other toddlers were willing to try doing the circuit of activities at gymnastics class and dd wanted to go out and play with the train table? (We did head out and do that, but man did I feel jealous that all the other 2 year olds were cheerfully following instructions.







)

Or like when all the other little babies and toddlers were happily clapping along with the songs at storytime and dd headed for the door?

yeah, definitely some envy there. It helps that I can see dd improving in some ways and I can see that she's ahead of some kids in other areas. It helps keep the two important ideas in my head, i.e. "every kid is different" and "she'll get there".


----------



## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I like my kid better than other people's. Even though he's a challenging kid, we've got a good relationship going and we understand each other. I don't always understand other people's kids... It was great that he liked to hold my hand so much when we were out, still does at 9. But the drawback was he didn't want to be any place without me either, still doesn't like drop off playdates or staying with cousins.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
I am jealous of people that have children that actually sleep. 3 children and almost 8 years and not a single one actually STTN. Apparently my genetic material does not produce sleeping children.









Yeah, the sleep thing is the main thing that gets me... When I see those babies that can be put down for a nap. Those older kids that can be tucked into bed and not seen until morning. Ds still clutches me half the night.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
I am slightly bitter after weeks of even more nightwaking then usual and a 18m old who has been up since 1am.


----------



## Purplegal (Jul 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wild Lupine* 









As I was reading I was thinking that the only thing I'm ever jealous about is parents who are well rested- or at least better rested than me. Everything else I just attribute to the ups and downs of each stage and personality type.


Oh yea me too. That's the only thing I get jealous of...a child that sleeps! 4 years and still she sleeps terribly and not much.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

never, in fact it's just the opposite.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jaxinator* 
Quite honestly, no. He's completely perfect for me.
Sometimes I wish my kid was a bit less picky with food, but other than that....

I'm pretty sure I lucked out completely and I'm scared if I have another child that it'll be difficult.

LOL I felt the same way, scared I wouldn't be so lucky next time. It's not that my kid is perfect, just that she fits perfectly with our family we all understand each other and get along very well. Of course I'd probably have answered the question differently when she was a toddler but the childhood and teens years were quite uneventful.


----------



## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I am posting because I hear a lot of "no" responses and I don't want others to feel shy about posting "yes" responses. Jealousy is a normal feeling that can take us by surprise as much as the next thing...anger, sadness, grief, etc. No, of course it shouldn't be overpowering for long periods of time, etc., but I've worked with 100s of families over the years, and I think it is totally normal for parents

I occassionally feel a twinge of jealousy when my kids are giving me a hard time in a situation (most recently, on Sunday at church...where I *work* to make matters more difficult), and other people's kids are not. But I think I get jealous more often of certain things certain parents have worked out that I am struggling with. For example, right now my dw and I are coming across some big differences in specific aspects of our parenting style. We talked a lot about parenting before having kids together, so you'd think we'd have worked it all out. But nope, people and situations change, and here we are diverging on some issues. I get jealous when my friends have not come across these impasses with their spouses.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

All the time.

I was jealous of kids who stayed tiny, when my daughter was doubling her size every three weeks. Her newborn clothes only fit for a few weeks.

I was jealous of kids who had long hair that mom could put in pony tails.

I was jealous of kids who brought home awesome grades, when my daughter had report cards with "satisfactory" on it. I wanted "She's brilliant!".

But, I had just as many things to brag about as I did to be jealous about.

I am also a very jealous person anyway... so, I'm jealous if someone even looks at my husband, or if my daughter wants to hang out at someone else's house, or tells me what a good cook someone else is. (I hate to cook, so why do I care???) I'm jealous that my friends OLDER sister still has great hair, and skin... she's freaking older than me, it's not fair!

I'm not jealous of other people's belongings, just their personal lives. LOL


----------



## BarefootScientist (Jul 24, 2007)

Yes. I do get envious of other kids' behavior. Usually, it's this type of thing:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
The only time I'm jealous of other parents is when I'm in a store and my kids are all over the place and then I see some family walking along with their kids being nice and quiet and just behaving.

It seems like everywhere I go I'll see a totally composed mom with four kids shopping for clothes FOR HERSELF and her kids are _just standing there!_ HOW does she get them to do that? Meanwhile mine is flopping around on the floor, running away unless I have a death grip on his hand, and making loud annoying noises.







It's like some sort of highly coordinated military operation when we go shopping - ok, let's get in, head straight to the back, I think we only have time to try on three shirts before he flips out so make sure we grab the right sizes...ready....GO!

I do try to remind myself that I am just seeing a tiny snippet of their lives. There are many times when DS and I are out in public and he looks like the sweet curious 3 yo he is and is very well-behaved. Although he NEVER stands still like those other kids.







Actually I had a mom with a 2 yo at Barnes and Noble tell me I looked so composed and organized a couple weeks ago, and that my kid was so good. It made me glow.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

No, I guess not. Not even the high needs one who still has trouble sitting still at 8. She's so amazing in so many other ways and her intensity and high activity level just feel like part of the whole package.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i was 37 and my marriage was going down the drain. and i had a v. v. high needs baby who screamed if there was one inch between us.

the thought never even entered my mind. oh i felt so lucky and honoured. i never took pregnancy for granted. and even today - in all these 8 years i have never ever had those feelings. i just kept seeing her potential and her uniqueness. i think watching my marriage break down made me far more protective to even be envious of 'frivolous' things you know.

so while my 6 month old shreiked at the top of the lungs for the half hour bus ride in a foreign city and i was freaked out of the driver asking me to get off, i was not jealous of the other baby in teh back row remaining silent.

perhaps if those werent my circumstances i might have been.

even now i dont feel that way. honestly i dont know why. but i have never ever - even just one time been envious/jealous of another. i have been furious at my dd and fuming.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I've been extremely jealous of children/babies who sleep easily







I have friends who have children 3, even 4 years old, who nap AND go to bed early!

But I am also very analytical, and am always aware of the flipside. If my dc needed that much sleep, it might make it difficult to do things during "nap time", or we might have to be home early every night. My kids can go, go, GO! from an early age, and I do appreciate that flexibility.

Generally speaking, I prefer my dc's quirks and challenges over other people's kids' quirks--both because I am accustomed to the, and also because I am invested in viewing my own children in their best light. Which is to say--I am highly biased


----------



## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I know I do. I mean, kids who can go grocery shopping and not need an entire court of cowboys with lassos on standby to wrangle them back to me would be great.

I think jealousy is a totally natural thing, it doesn't mean we don't appreciate the kids we have, but for a mom of really intense kids- glimpsing less intense kids really can be a challenge. It makes us think, 'gosh, what did I do wrong?!' And that's ok! We evaluate our parenting in moments like that and either realize that we are doing the best we can and our kids are different people, or maybe we realize that there is something we can learn from that parent in that moment.


----------



## ErinYay (Aug 21, 2008)

Behaviorally and developmentally, V is the baby people envy- she's independent and happy to play by herself for hours, not clingy or needy, she sleeps well, she eats any solids you throw at her, cries only when something's wrong, was an early sitter/crawler/walker. If money and my age wasn't an issue, and we could be certain all our babies would be like her temperamentally, we'd have a dozen kids. She's just plain EASY.

BUT.

I do get a little envious of people, like my sister, who were able to conceive #2 while breastfeeding- she's almost 11-months-old, nurses anywhere from 2-6 times a day (her choice- not mine!) but still no PP AF. I know it's wrong to feel that way, as my sister in particular struggled to conceive her first and V was conceived the 4th time DH and I made love, but it's still hard, as we had our hearts set on having 2 very close together.

And even though her motor and cognitive skills are awesome, she's still not verbal, and I do get jealous of similar-aged babies who have mama and dada regularly. She says "hi," and will occasionally toss out a new word, never to be heard again. There are many days when I'd trade her ability to "read" to herself (it's super cute- she goes through her books, turns the pages, and hums "hmm hmm hmm" as she "reads") for just one "Hi, mama!"

Her independence is a blessing and a curse. Yes, my daily routine is a breeze because she would rather be off on her own than in-arms, but it's also very hard to have a baby who doesn't want to be held or cuddled unless it's entirely on her terms. I really look forward to bedtime, which is lately the only time she'll be cuddled facing me- otherwise she has to be looking out or she gets pissy- and nurse for more than a literal minute or two.

The grass, she is greener on the other side.


----------



## StrongBeliever (Apr 24, 2007)

Genuinely? No. There is the occasional(maybe even frequent) moment where my patience with my children is absolutely gone, and I'll think it'd be easier if they would just walk by the grocery cart quietly like the other kids and oh-how-I-wish-my-kid-were-like-that or something of that nature. But just as quickly I turn around and think of the stuff that must really suck for those parents... Maybe their six year old pees the bed every night. Maybe their three year old is allergic to everything. Maybe their kid doesn't know their colors. Whatever. I think we all are really sensitive to the things that are hard about raising our kids... It becomes easy to look over all the things that are !!!FREAKIN' FABULOUS!!! about raising them.

My kids have got gobs of great attributes. EVERYBODY has kids with rough spots. So no, I am never GENUINELY jealous of anyone else's kids. Maybe the little fleeting moment of fantasy, but nothing that ever lingers. Mostly I am *extremely grateful* that my kids aren't as horrendous as many of the other children I have encountered.


----------



## mich (Apr 19, 2002)

For everyone who posted they were envious of other kids behaving in public, this is a true story.

I was shopping at BJ's with a 2 and 4yo. At the beginning of the store they got in a fight, screaming, loud, and a woman walked by and said "really, can't people control their children!" I was so embarrassed, felt like a loser, but needed stuff so I kept going and shopped. A half hour later the kids were happy and quiet and an old couple said "What well behaved children you have, you must be a great mom!"

I will never forget that day. It was such an eye opener for me. We all judge so quickly on what we see.

No I don't feel envious of other children. We ALL have burdens to bear, you just don't always see them.

But I do remember being crazy jealous of babies that slept! Sleep deprivation is pure torture!


----------



## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Jealous? No. Sometimes frustrated at the hand I was dealt? Yes.

The feeling that I usually get during this moments of frustration is mostly...why me? WHY ME?!!!


----------



## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Okay I said I was never jealous, but reading the responses has reminded me that I am definitely jealous of moms who have babies that sleep! That's it though.


----------



## Jaxinator (Dec 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
LOL I felt the same way, scared I wouldn't be so lucky next time. It's not that my kid is perfect, just that she fits perfectly with our family we all understand each other and get along very well. Of course I'd probably have answered the question differently when she was a toddler but the childhood and teens years were quite uneventful.

You know, that's it exactly. I'm mellow, I like quiet time, love cuddles and my boy is the same way, and we understand each other. He's only 4 though, we'll see how he gets when he's older









Oooh I love him so much!!!








Now I want to hug him but he's napping.


----------



## GardenStream (Aug 21, 2007)

I had to go look up the exact definition of envious.







After reading that, my answer is no. I'm not delusional enough to think that my boys are perfect, I know they have a couple faults and quirks.









There are definitely times when I see my DS struggling with something that other kids find easy and I think to myself how much I wish it was that easy for my DS. I think those things a lot, but it's not malicious or resentful.

It's generally when I'm running around trying to stop one DS from breaking something and the other DS is pulling on my shirt trying to get my attention and I'm unable to satisfy either one of them. Then, I look over and see the mom with 4 kids under the age of 5 who are quietly standing next to her. Yep, at those times I'm definitely thinking that it must be nice to have such well behaved children.


----------



## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

OP you sound a lot like me! I could care less about academic achievements (DD has a friend who in shear volumes definitely speaks more than her and I find it a lot of fun) but my sore spot is sleep/earlier self weaning (I'm talking around 2 or a little before). DD's nowhere near sleeping through the nights and rarely naps so I'm a very tired mom! DH was the "perfect baby" in the sense that he slept a lot and rarely held tantrums so I do hope next time around we get a kid more like him instead of life me!







Don't get my wrong. I absolutely love DD and couldn't imagine her any other way (I keep reminding myself that she's very opinionated and knows her mind so that might very well help her out later on in life, maybe she'll be an activist of some sort







) but my mantra is "maybe next time I'll get the easy baby!". Although with my luck he/she will probably need even less sleep than DD!







Oh, and nursing DD at almost 2 non-stop is wearing me out to no end.

ETA: Oh, and I totally agree with others who have said there's a flipside. DD was easily potty trained and and early talker so that helped in numerous ways (ironically my friends whose kids STTN early had a hard time potty training.. I always wondered if there was a correlation?







). Given the choice I'd probably sacrifice the sleep for those two things but one can dream about having it all, right?


----------



## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Yes, but mostly only of the sleep. I have two HN kids - one superHN, the other a bit mellower but still definitely a challenge. I have moments of fleeting envy over the kids who can sit happily and entertain themselves for a while because I *always* have to be on with mine. But mostly it's just the sleep I'm jealous of. I swear if I weren't sleep deprived the rest of parenting HN kids would be sooo much easier


----------



## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Ya know, when I was a newbie at this mothering thing, the whole one-upper dynamic would bum me out (as subtle as it was...)

HOWEVER now as I've matured as a parent, and have gotten to know hundreds of other kids, I realize that while a child may be fanTABulous in an area I would wish for my child, I also realize that no one's lives are perfect or free from worry or problems, and I am grateful for what my kids DO have as a package (health, loving family, their own special talents). I've never seen a family or kid to 'have it all', so I am grateful that they do have whatever it is that makes them special, giving them and their parents happiness.

So no, I am not envious.


----------



## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I wish my daughter would let me put pretties in her hair. I think it so cute when I see other little girls with their hair done. Past that I think I have the kid people envy.


----------



## RaeDyCo (Jul 21, 2010)

Definitely! Not all of the time, but sometimes I am.

I will always be thankful I have 2 happy, healthy, beautiful little boys.

But I am envious of parents of little girls because I know I will never have a daughter and never have the mother-daughter relationship that I wished my mum and I would have had (but don't).

At the moment, I am wishing for a baby who needed more sleep when he was teething







and I am really envious of those parents who say they didn't even realize their kids were getting a tooth until it magically appeared.


----------



## Daffodil (Aug 30, 2003)

I've never felt seriously envious of anyone else's kids. I sometimes feel slightly envious about certain things, but it's not a strong feeling, and I've never thought, "Wow, I wish I had a kid like that!" about any kid I know in real life. I often imagine people must be envious of _my_ kids, especially DD, who is the kind of kid who never causes any trouble. But I wouldn't be surprised to find that the people I imagine are envious actually feel just the same way about their own kids.

An interesting thing that I wouldn't have predicted before I had kids is that I feel proud of almost everything about them - even their weaknesses. I'm proud of DD's terrific poems and drawings, and her sweetness and cleverness, but when I think about how she still can't remember when her birthday is, or pump on the swings, that's sort of a proud feeling, too. It's all just part of what makes her the interesting person she is.


----------



## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

My son has an aquired brain injury resulting from the removal of a brain tumor. He's a beautiful, loving boy but I envy mothers of intact, healthy sons. My son is 7 and should be playing soccer or tennis...instead, he's still learning to crawl.







I worry about his future. I have a hard time looking at healthy boys his age, a really hard time. I feel so incredibly envious and sad.

And with my "normal" girls I envy the ways in which other kids seem more advanced than them. Sometimes even that other girls are prettier than them. I always feel so stupid that such shallow comparisons form in my thoughts. Ugh.

Anywho, yeah, I feel genuinely envious.


----------



## MaryElizabeth (Jan 13, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErinYay* 
Behaviorally and developmentally, V is the baby people envy- she's independent and happy to play by herself for hours, not clingy or needy, she sleeps well, she eats any solids you throw at her, cries only when something's wrong, was an early sitter/crawler/walker. If money and my age wasn't an issue, and we could be certain all our babies would be like her temperamentally, we'd have a dozen kids. She's just plain EASY.

BUT.

I do get a little envious of people, like my sister, who were able to conceive #2 while breastfeeding- she's almost 11-months-old, nurses anywhere from 2-6 times a day (her choice- not mine!) but still no PP AF. I know it's wrong to feel that way, as my sister in particular struggled to conceive her first and V was conceived the 4th time DH and I made love, but it's still hard, as we had our hearts set on having 2 very close together.

And even though her motor and cognitive skills are awesome, she's still not verbal, and I do get jealous of similar-aged babies who have mama and dada regularly. She says "hi," and will occasionally toss out a new word, never to be heard again. There are many days when I'd trade her ability to "read" to herself (it's super cute- she goes through her books, turns the pages, and hums "hmm hmm hmm" as she "reads") for just one "Hi, mama!"

Her independence is a blessing and a curse. Yes, my daily routine is a breeze because she would rather be off on her own than in-arms, but it's also very hard to have a baby who doesn't want to be held or cuddled unless it's entirely on her terms. I really look forward to bedtime, which is lately the only time she'll be cuddled facing me- otherwise she has to be looking out or she gets pissy- and nurse for more than a literal minute or two.

The grass, she is greener on the other side.


you just described my DD







well without the BF..she weaned herself way early and without the night time cuddles.. only the crib alone for her. She refuses to lay with my DH and I. Sometimes I bribe her with cartoons and a cup of juice to lay with me...







I do get jealous that other people's kids want to snuggle and sleep in the bed with them. But, I suppose it just means more sleep for me!


----------



## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Honestly, my 3 year old son pretty freakin fantastic







. I have never been jealous. My daughter is only 2 weeks so we'll see. The only thing I am envious of right now are parents getting a full nights sleep.


----------



## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 
I think jealousy is a totally natural thing, it doesn't mean we don't appreciate the kids we have, but for a mom of really intense kids- glimpsing less intense kids really can be a challenge. It makes us think, 'gosh, what did I do wrong?!' And that's ok! We evaluate our parenting in moments like that and either realize that we are doing the best we can and our kids are different people, or maybe we realize that there is something we can learn from that parent in that moment.

I totally agree.

I remember when my twins were little there were times when I was jealous of other moms with singletons. Having twins can be just be so challenging, especially when they are little babies, because it really is twice the work of having only one baby. On top of it all one of mine had horrible reflux the first year or so and screamed a minimum of 18 hours a day the first 3 months of his life. I would take them on long walks in the stroller to try and calm him down, and when I saw other moms happily out and about with their cooing or sleeping singleton I often felt a pang of why can't that be me?

I absolutely refuse to beat myself up for feeling that way though. Of course I felt blessed to have my babies. We struggled for over two years to have them, and they were very much wanted. But there's nothing wrong with feeling unhappy sometimes and to get overwhelmed with a stressful situation. Of course there will always be someone who has it worse than you do, but that doesn't make a woman any less entitled to her own emotions.

Just my $.02


----------



## Purple Sage (Apr 23, 2007)

I'm not envious of the way other people's kids are better behaved or whatever. What I am envious of, though, is the way other parents react to their misbehaving kids. I wish I was a fount of patience....but the reality is that I can be quite the opposite.


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

OP here--just thought I would mention that once we got past infancy, my kids have been pretty awesome sleepers, and I TOTALLY appreciate it, you betcha. And yet...still I used to be pretty jealous when watching kids who were "milder" and easier-going than my very intense DD.


----------



## colsxjack (Dec 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Daffodil* 
An interesting thing that I wouldn't have predicted before I had kids is that I feel proud of almost everything about them - even their weaknesses. I'm proud of DD's terrific poems and drawings, and her sweetness and cleverness, but when I think about how she still can't remember when her birthday is, or pump on the swings, that's sort of a proud feeling, too. It's all just part of what makes her the interesting person she is.

I am like this also. Fiercely proud of EVERYTHING about my DD. I strut with pride about how passionate she is, whether it is anger, happiness, excitement...any feeling she has she has with immense passion. Some may call her high needs. I just think she is passionate and awesome!

I do not feel envious of other parents or their children. Even parents who sleep. But DD is only 15 months. I am actually fairly surprised by this as I can be somewhat of an envious person.

Although, I have on occasion felt happy when I have known other parents to have to suffer through something that we have suffered through. Kind of like "hahaha, welcome to the club buddy!"

For example, we have a SIL who bragged about her kid and the way he napped anywhere and for hours at a time. She once wondered what was wrong with our DD who would only nap for 20 minutes tops. Well, now her little sleeping infant is a 7 month old who fights naps and actually wakes at night and wants to party. Our DD wakes frequently but quite quickly goes back to sleep with a little bit of nursing. I am somewhat secretly happy that she has to deal with that and she got knocked off her high horse of having a perfect kid and being a perfect mom. But that might just be because she has rubbed me the wrong way for other things too.

But when I hear other people have spent more time pushing an empty stroller and carrying a baby I feel a little good that other people have to go through those things too.


----------



## AnalogWife (Sep 8, 2007)

I got to experience pregnancy, anything beyond that is gravy.


----------



## Shannie77 (Jan 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *petey44* 
Nope, my kid is the kid everyone else is jealous of








But seriously, in my mind it is like that. I think my daughter's great, and I just assume that she's her grandparent's favorite and a favorite at daycare. I guess I could be wrong...

I am glad I am not the only one.


----------



## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

I get envious of how easy parenting some kids can be. My youngest is the kind of kid that GD and a lot of the parenting advice stuff works well for because he is just a "go along" kind of kid. He is far from perfect, but if he were my only, I would truly believe that raising kids is easy.

My oldest? Ha. He is much more of a challenge, and while dh and I celebrate his personality and respect his needs, and think that he is 10000% worth all the effort, he sure isn't an easy child. He was diagnosed with aspergers and anxiety this summer, but he has been different and unique since birth.

I am envious of families who do not get two or three calls a week from the vice-principal of their school reporting their kid has hit someone or thrown a huge tantrum. I am envious of families who don't know what it is like to have their kid kicked out of summer camp, causing the parents to miss work. And I am envious of families that don't have to pay serious amounts of money for non-insurance covered therapy.

But where I get really resentful when sometimes encountering parents of easy kids who truly believe that their kid is so easy/well behaved/advanced or whatever because of their superior parenting. And the implication that if they had my kid, due to their superior parenting skills, he'd also be easy/well behaved/advanced or whatever.

Sure, it may be true. Or it may be that their kid is just easy to raise and my kid isn't. I think we are damned good parents, imperfections and al. We are working our asses off and we are seeing progress (slow, but steady), but yeah, I get envious at times seeing other people who seem to have it easier.

I also try to have more compassion and empathy for all parents, even the ones who seem to have perfect kids... : )


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

I've never felt jealous of other people b/c of their kids, or wanted anything to be different about my child. I just love him for exactly who he is, even if his behavior is sometimes challenging (he was a colic/reflux baby, and now is a temperamental soul). Sometimes I actually feel very glad that other people's children are not mine. Also, at times I'm annoyed by the "gifted" epidemic that seems to be so popular in my area (though the truly gifted is only a tiny fraction of the population, you wouldn't know it by talking to some of the moms here). But I've never wanted my own kid to be anything other than himself. Maybe some of my devotion can be attributed to biology, who knows. But I'm smitten.

However, I do sometimes feel twinges of envy when I meet people who really have fabulous _careers_, and made all the right choices in life to get there. Now that I'm 40, my options are more limited. Some people really do have ideal jobs, it's amazing (ie. travel the world doing hugely important international work, along w/ teaching/editing and doing clinical practice on the side.... really fulfilling stuff).


----------



## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I used to get jealous of the parents with kids who were so "easy" but then I had dd who IS easy and so I feel gratified now.









plus, even though I don't want to make a habit of it, I did enjoy some snuggles with my ds tonight after he very stubbornly kept himself awake until 1 AM because he was determined to get some alone time with me. but I still want him to stay in bed all night!


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
However, I know my DH feels a little envious when he runs into kids who are really musical. (DH is musical, but the kids don't seem to be.)

I get this. If I felt my children couldn't or didn't want to share something really important to me, I think I'd be a bit hurt by it or jealous of others. My MIL once admitted to being a little hurt that 3 of their 5 kids have careers pretty closely related to FIL's but none ever considered doing anything like her.

When my kids were younger, I remember feeling jealous of people whose kids would just sit and be or who were easily redirected/took "suggestions" of things to do. Redirection simply doesn't work for either of my kids, especially my hyper-focused DS. On the whole, though, I realize as they get older that we're much better off. I see a huge maturity leap in them whereas those kids who were redirected away from everything seem to be hovering at the same place. I'm sure that all will change a lot over time.


----------



## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starlein26* 
My son has an aquired brain injury resulting from the removal of a brain tumor. He's a beautiful, loving boy but I envy mothers of intact, healthy sons. My son is 7 and should be playing soccer or tennis...instead, he's still learning to crawl.







I worry about his future. I have a hard time looking at healthy boys his age, a really hard time. I feel so incredibly envious and sad.

And with my "normal" girls I envy the ways in which other kids seem more advanced than them. Sometimes even that other girls are prettier than them. I always feel so stupid that such shallow comparisons form in my thoughts. Ugh.

Anywho, yeah, I feel genuinely envious.









I'm so sorry about your son.









Although I wish mine slept better and didn't have a problem with getting cavities so easily, I mostly feel like I won the lottery that he is a typical kid and hasn't had any real health problems.


----------



## nwatt (Sep 3, 2009)

I think that my DD is the most wonderful, perfect little girl in the world. With that said, I have had many pangs of jealousy when it comes to sleep. She is much better now, but at about 9 months when she was still up every 45 minutes to an hour if someone mention what a great sleeper their LO was I would be jealous enough that I am surprised I wasn't literally green. Now I don't feel jealousy, just worry when I see LOs the same age doing things/saying things that my DD cannot do yet.


----------



## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Not really. Sure I think my kids are the best in the world, but it's not really coming from a place of "Oh my kids are perfect, I'm never envious!"

DS1 is an easy going guy, always has been, sociable, compliant, helpful, sweet, loving you name it. He has his moments, but we deal and move on.

DS2 is not so easy going. He's very loving and sweet, but sociable and helpful, not so much (except at school, go fig!). He has a mild speech delay and he's catching up in spades, but I think it's caused a lot of the difficulty, plus he's a stubborn little guy, just like his mother. He's just coming through a patch it seems where he's been a bear and throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat.

DS3 is 2 months old and sleeping through the night...okay, he's IS perfect. lol

I mean, sure it would be cool if DS1 had more advanced computer skills or DS2 was through his speech delay, but I just think a lot of it will come in time and I'm just having faith that it will work out in the end. I've seen people who've had a lot more difficulties than we have, so I try to keep things in perspective.

Oh, I did think of something I'm jealous about. Not that I'd trade my guys in for anything, if I were to have another child, I do have baby girl wishes.


----------



## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

For years I envied people who had girls. Then I had one.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starlein26* 
My son has an aquired brain injury resulting from the removal of a brain tumor. He's a beautiful, loving boy but I envy mothers of intact, healthy sons. My son is 7 and should be playing soccer or tennis...instead, he's still learning to crawl.







I worry about his future. I have a hard time looking at healthy boys his age, a really hard time. I feel so incredibly envious and sad.











I have 2 DDs. One has autism. I'm completely incapable of being friends with women who have daughters the same age as my sn daughter. Its just too painful. I don't anything in common with them.

I envy parents who know that their children will grow into independent adults.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starlein26* 
My son has an aquired brain injury resulting from the removal of a brain tumor. He's a beautiful, loving boy but I envy mothers of intact, healthy sons. My son is 7 and should be playing soccer or tennis...instead, he's still learning to crawl.







I worry about his future. I have a hard time looking at healthy boys his age, a really hard time. I feel so incredibly envious and sad.

And with my "normal" girls I envy the ways in which other kids seem more advanced than them. Sometimes even that other girls are prettier than them. I always feel so stupid that such shallow comparisons form in my thoughts. Ugh.

Anywho, yeah, I feel genuinely envious.










I'm sorry about your son. I can't even pretend to understand how it feels, so I won't, but it must be so scary and worrying.


----------



## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

I had a bit of jealousy the other day with regard to my little cousin who is the same age as dd2 and is naturally singing harmonies. Sometimes I feel a bit that way about babies that have a long afternoon nap by themselves, which none of my three have ever done unless they were sick.


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Never been envious yet! Honestly I love having a spirited high energy kid even though she can be incredibly difficult to parent. I feel like every part of her, the good and the bad, makes her who she is. I don't know if that makes any sense...


----------



## Birdie B. (Jan 14, 2008)

My daughter is wonderful, sweet, funny and amazing in every way. She is also special needs. I am envious of people whose children are developmentally normal. Not all the time, and it's getting easier, but it is sometimes hard to be around normal healthy children. I feel sad for the things my daughter may not get to experience. Therapy has helped me with these feelings though, and now I'm in a better place.


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

at the beginning absolutely. My son literally screamed for the first 4 months.

I felt jealous of people who were able to leave the house, have others hold and compliment their kiddo. I remember going to babies r us 6ish week pp and seeing mom's with their nb babies there. How I hated them!

_My_ baby was in the car with my husband listening to static blaring on the raidio to keep him asleep. They couldn't come inside, because he might wake up and start screaming. I couldn't leave them at home, because he might wake up and start screaming. I couldn't leave him with anyone else... because no one would take him because he might wake up and start screaming.

It doesn't mean that I loved him any less. But yes, I would definitely feel ugly, ungrateful, envy when I saw or heard about other children. And it quickly turns into heartbreak when you think of your kid lacking of suffering-- There is only so much you can do-- I tried everything I knew to keep my child from crying, and he still cried so much. How could you not feel envious?


----------



## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 









I have 2 DDs. One has autism. I'm completely incapable of being friends with women who have daughters the same age as my sn daughter. Its just too painful. I don't anything in common with them.

I envy parents who know that their children will grow into independent adults.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 








I'm sorry about your son. I can't even pretend to understand how it feels, so I won't, but it must be so scary and worrying.

Thanks for reaching out.







I appreciate it, especially when feeling so vulnerable with my admission.


----------



## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I haven't read the thread, I don't feel that way about my kids though sometimes I wish I was a different kind of mom, the relaxed kind that cooks meals from scratch. But the thread reminded me once when DS was about 3 I'd just washed his hair and told him how handsome he looked and he said "Yes. All the other parents will say, gee, I wish I had a cute kid like that." I have no idea where that came from but it still cracks me up!


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

Redirection simply doesn't work for either of my kids, especially my hyper-focused DS.
Yes, my DD was really hyperfocused and unredirectable too. It used to drive me insane. Now that she is older, I see how well this will serve her. She is incredibly driven and inner-motivated.

starlein, I am the OP, and while my kids are healthy now (we think), we've had pretty bad scares with both of them. I do remember feeling painfully jealous, for a while, of people with kids with "normal," everyday kid problems who didn't even realize how lucky they were to have only xyz to complain about. That is the hardest kind of jealousy, I think.


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I don't get jealous comparing kid to kid, because really, they're all different and the things that mine do that drive me crazy are well balanced by the things i think are awesome and funny and adorable.

I do, though, when I see moms homeschooling their single child, or playing with their one toddler, think how lovely it would be to be able to focus on DD's homeschooling without preschooler chaos. Or how lovely it would be to spend long stretches of time with the preschooler while his sibling were in school.

I figure that's about like when I worked from home and thought how lovely it would be to SAH/ miss working and office life when I was SAH. I'm perfectly happy with the grass I've chosen, but it doesn't mean I don't notice how lovely and green the grass looks on the other side!


----------



## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *texmati* 
at the beginning absolutely. My son literally screamed for the first 4 months.

I felt jealous of people who were able to leave the house, have others hold and compliment their kiddo. I remember going to babies r us 6ish week pp and seeing mom's with their nb babies there. How I hated them!

_My_ baby was in the car with my husband listening to static blaring on the raidio to keep him asleep. They couldn't come inside, because he might wake up and start screaming. I couldn't leave them at home, because he might wake up and start screaming. I couldn't leave him with anyone else... because no one would take him because he might wake up and start screaming.

It doesn't mean that I loved him any less. But yes, I would definitely feel ugly, ungrateful, envy when I saw or heard about other children. And it quickly turns into heartbreak when you think of your kid lacking of suffering-- There is only so much you can do-- I tried everything I knew to keep my child from crying, and he still cried so much. How could you not feel envious?

I totally know where you're coming from. DS1 was that baby. And I TOTALLY envied moms who could just bring their babies places. Babywearing, cosleeping, on-demand breastfeeding... none of it helped. I'd look at other, non-AP moms and envy them, I'd look at other MDC moms and envy them. I was doing all the hard work (no CIO and suchandsuch) and getting NONE of the supposed benefits.

I think DS2 might be different, though at a week old, it's hard to tell. Maybe I'll get to see life from the other side. I'm not holding my breath... prepare for the worst and hope for the best, eh?


----------



## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

Yes, I do.









I feel more sadness than anything else. My son is my world, it's just really hard with a special needs child sometimes.


----------



## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Only when it comes to dd's severe food allergies. I am deeply envious of people who can take their children to restaurants, who can just go to birthday parties without worrying about having to pack a meal/treat, who don't have to treat other kids with snacks as possible biohazards, who don't have to think about things like school snack procedures. I wish my dd wasn't left out of so many things, I wish every vacation and outing didn't revolve around figuring out what/when she can eat, and I wish I didn't have to worry about kissing her or touching her right after I eat.

On the other hand, if the options are my dd + her food allergies and some other kid with no food allergies, I'll take dd every time.


----------



## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
starlein, I am the OP, and while my kids are healthy now (we think), we've had pretty bad scares with both of them. I do remember feeling painfully jealous, for a while, of people with kids with "normal," everyday kid problems who didn't even realize how lucky they were to have only xyz to complain about. That is the hardest kind of jealousy, I think.

It is. Painful mind-space to be in, unbeknownst to them (other parent).


----------



## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *petey44* 
Nope, my kid is the kid everyone else is jealous of









But, of course, I am speaking about my youngest and he isn't even three yet. My other kids are all young adults at that stage where it feels like looking at yourself through a funhouse mirror--of course I wanted to raise dd to value education and not to be afraid of being poor, but I never dreamed she'd call me up from Guam to tell me that sheb was thinking about going to a university in Cambodia because she can't afford tuition in a first world country!! GAAAAH!!!!!

When I was coparenting two high needs kids with a high needs ex, I was jealous of other parents for their patience, their perceived ability to do more and better than me, their support systems, etc. but I loved my kids and overestimated my own shortcomings as a parent until #4 came along and turned out to be that super-easy kid that makes me look good. A few years and a few close friendships where I could see my "heros" toppling off their pedestals and needing my support during their own rough times helped too.


----------



## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I wanted to raise dd to value education and not to be afraid of being poor, but I never dreamed she'd call me up from Guam to tell me that sheb was thinking about going to a university in Cambodia because she can't afford tuition in a first world country!!
I'm already jealous of you. That's a really brilliant idea.

I do get flashes of jealousy, but I also try to remember that for me there are days, however rare, when we are the ones walking through the store and they're both doing well. Or rather, moments. And another mom might have walked by with her kids in monkey-mode and thought that was our normal life (it is not... oh, how it is not...).

I thank God every day that we do not have allergies and I knock on wood every time it comes up in conversation. I would be so jealous of me for that if my kids did have allergies. I love food and that would just... be one more thing to put me over the edge.

Tell you what. I'm jealous, massively jealous of other people's marriages. How the husbands help, how they say kind things, how they don't mess up the whole house, how they can go on dates...







How their work is not belittled, and so on. I don't want the men themselves. I want the relationship and it will never happen, and that's what I'm jealous of. At least he's a fairly good dad.

Quote:

But where I get really resentful when sometimes encountering parents of easy kids who truly believe that their kid is so easy/well behaved/advanced or whatever because of their superior parenting. And the implication that if they had my kid, due to their superior parenting skills, he'd also be easy/well behaved/advanced or whatever.










Yeah, that's less a feeling of jealousy than one of sheer... not hatred of the people, but hatred of their ignorance. LOL!


----------



## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Oh yeah... and for the moments others see... at the doctor's earlier this month, DD1:

"Can you name three foods?"
"Broccoli, apples, tomatoes."

She hasn't eaten any of those for the past 6 months, bless her heart. Okay, maybe apples, if they're peeled. But the parents outside sure looked wistful. IF ONLY THEY KNEW!


----------



## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

Yes, when I talk to moms who have EBF infants who sleep 4-5 hours consistently and have from a young age. I don't think I'm asking for the world here! And yet, my baby only started doing it a month ago and now appears to be regressing. Shoot me now.


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I have 2 boys with autism spectrum disorder. I often feel like I have 3 kids and 2 jobs also. (I have 5 children total). I feel like I cannot even reach these 2 and wonder what to do all the time. I feel so frustrated.

On the other hand, for as hard as things are with those 2, other people seem envious of me over my other children. I get asked by parents how I managed to get my children to be this way or do that.

I think maybe overall, I guess I have it good. It is really hard to have 2 kids who everyone thinks are the best things on the planet and then 2 kids with special needs. Then others must compare. My 5th child is only 13 months old so who knows how things will go with him. But I cannot even have the children in the same schools, same extra curricular activities, etc. Plus, as awful as this sounds, I dread the day my "easy" children leave and I am at home with 2 children with ASD and still feeling clueless.


----------

