# Gave birth to my 18 week old, a precious little boy



## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

Hello everyone,

I am devastated to even be writing here, but I think it is time I come and share some feelings here. I have heard wonderful things about this board, the support and love that can be found here. I am lucky to have much love and support at home, with my family and friends...but I'd love to get to know some of you here as well.

Just this past Wed. I went in for my 18 week ultrasound, and my poor little one was only measuring about 16 weeks and there was no heartbeat to be found. That day was a living nightmare..and still it is making me cry as I write this. I fell into a million pieces, and despite everything we've gone through over the past few days, that has still been the hardest part for me. Knowing that my baby is not alive, finding out that something is wrong. It's absolutely awful.

I had some options...to go into a larger hospital and get a D&E, or to stay with my midwife where she attends and attempt a natural birth with induction. The latter is what I chose to do, and it happened just this past Friday. I didn't want to chance waiting out the birth at home without any induction, because that may have taken months...from what I understand.

My mom and sister came to town immediately, which is wonderful. My little 2 YO DD got to stay with my sister and her two boys. That was a great distraction for her, and she had a fun time!

My mom, my husband, and I went to the hospital on Thursday night. My wonderful midwife administered a medication vaginally to induce me. We were
able to sleep most of the night, while the medication took effect. I was awoken around 7am by very sharp cramps. They offered me percs for the pain...which I thought about...but opted for a nice hot bath instead. The bath was amazing and I was fine in there for a while. When I got out, things started to happen. The amniotic sac was protruding from me, and I laid on the bed so my midwife could take a look. It was so different than a full term delivery...I kept wanting to move around, or squat, but with so much trauma, they just wanted me to relax and be comfortable. After an hour, I said I wanted to get up and see if I could deliver. I got up to give my husband a hug, and out came everything. I caught my baby (still in sac) and laid him on the bed. Our beautiful baby boy was born around 8am on Friday morning, and he was absolutely perfect. My husband and I broke the sac, cleaned him a bit, and put him on a blanket, where we looked at him and cried for hours. The nurse and my midwife were so amazing and respectful...left us alone, gave him a birth certificate, pictures, the whole nine yards. He was amazing to see..the tiny toes, fingers, even ears and facial features. I told my son that I knew he would come back to me one day...in a different way. I know I will see his spirit again, and I am looking forward to a happier future. Our precious little one will be cremated and hopefully there will be some remains for us...we would like to put him (or at least his spirit) into a necklace.

It may sound strange, but now that the physical experience of labor is over, me and my husband are oddly relieved. We hold our little boy in our hearts, and we are still grieving him, but we look forward to the day that we may hold a new little one in our arms again...and maybe I will see traces of my little angel there.

Many of you on this board have experienced much more challenging times than I. I cannot even comprehend what a full term loss must be like, or to lose a precious child after they have already come to live with you. And to those whom have experienced repeated losses, my heart truly goes out to you. It is true what they say...only after you have experienced a loss such as this may you begin to understand the position of someone else who has suffered similarly.

Help me have strength to work through my emotions, and to move forward enough to nurture my little girl with love and an open heart.

Thank you for reading my story and passing along your courage,
Meag


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your little boy.







Losing a little one is the most heartbreaking thing. I'll be thinking of you and your family.


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## peanutmama (Jun 25, 2008)

i am so sorry for your loss. i had a loss last year and it was devastating. please take care of yourself.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so very sorry your little one isn't still with you, mama.







: Feel free to share anything here you want or need or feel moved to. I'd love to know your son's name, if you gave him one. Much support and







s to you on this journey.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Im so sorry for your loss mama. I hope you find comfort here with ladies who kind of know what you are going through. Be easy with yourself - its a slow process sometimes


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

Thinking of you and yours. I am so so very sorry.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so very sorry that you have needed to come and find us. There are so many of us - too many of us. But there is strength in our numbers. I am "glad" that you were able to birth your son in a way that allowed you to know him and love him after his birth.

What did you name him? We speak their names here often.

I wish you gentle days ahead.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss









Our stories are very similar. I lost my little one at 17 weeks and chose to deliver as well. It's something I'm thankful for every day! Having been able to spend time with my baby and now having pictures and mementos means so much to me! We had her cremated as well, and have a small urn as well as some ashes in memory necklaces. It's so comforting to be able to have her with us in that way.

I wish that you didn't have to be here at all, but know that the women here are so wonderful and supportive! I don't think I could have gotten through such a tough time without this place. I hope that you find much comfort here.

Peace and healing to you
















for your precious little boy.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

so sorry you have to join us here.


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

So very sorry. Strength, peace, and healing to you and your family.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Meag,








You're right - this is a wonderfully supportive group of women;
I'm just so very sorry about the reason that you needed to come here.
I also had a strong feeling that my son would return to me in spirit, and
indeed, when I hold and love and care for my Rainbow every day, I
do also feel the presence of my little boy who couldn't stay.
Peace to you and yours, Mama.

Precious Baby Boy


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Ah, mama, you are a good lady. This is a deeply upsetting thing to happen - that is true - but I think you made the right decision to labor and birth. In the long run, I do believe that it will have been a better decision for your soul. It's wonderful that you were able to hold and look at him - please, if you want to share the pictures, we are more than happy to adore him with you! It doesn't matter if he died, he's still your little one and you have every reason to be proud of the little miracle you created









We are all here for you to love and support you - this board is a terribly positive place - very uplifting in what is probably one of the saddest times in your life. We all lift each other up and carry one another.

*HUGE hugs* mama. I felt a lot like you when I delivered Josie - I just wanted another chance. I have mine now, and am hoping it all goes alright. Many ladies have traveled the same path.

XXXXX


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Peace and gentleness to you in the days ahead.







I've lived thru the shock of u/s gone wrong & remember how hard it was.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

How heartbreaking -- I'm so sorry for your loss. Do come back here -- these boards are so helpful during the grieving process.


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## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

Thank you so much, ladies, for all your loving words.

We have actually not named our little boy yet...and his birth certificate literally says "Baby Boy Gaffney". At first, I was really okay with that, and felt that I didn't want to name our little one. I should begin by explaining that my husband and I have a very hard time agreeing on names, so I guess part of my reluctancy had to do with not wanting a name battle on top of everything else. (Literally we named our DD on the day of her birth, because we couldn't agree until we saw her) But now... especially after reading some of your emotional stories...I am considering asking my hubby if we should come up with a name for him. No matter what his birth certificate says, we could still use our own little love name for him.

Vermillion...thank you for sharing some of your story with me...it really does help me to hear similar stories from other mommies. Yes, it is surprisingly nice to have pictures and momentos from the birth. At the hospital, I wasn't sure that I would want pictures, or a footprint....but now I am clinging to them. I am really hoping that we get some ashes back too..I won't know until Wed. or Thurs.

The grieving process is going so differently than I had thought...I can hardly sleep, and I find myself constantly on the computer trying to share my experience with everyone. I thought I would want to be more introverted about everything, but it seems trying to share my birth with others is really helping me.

I now find myself thinking that I didn't stay with him long enough...maybe I should have taken more time...I should have kissed him...he was just so fragile and well..."sticky"...that I never did actually kiss him goodbye...and now I guess I am regretting it.

I was walking into unfamiliar territory on the day of his birth, and I had no idea what to expect. The nurse and my midwife were so great and so respectful, like I said earlier, but it was almost overwhelming how much they were treating him like a live and full term baby. I knew they would give me space and time to do whatever I wanted, but I guess I wasn't expecting such an amazing response from them. It's wonderful now, as the reality of my son's death and birth set in, to have all the memories of a "normal" birth. I knew from the moment we had the ultrasound that I wanted to go through with a natural delivery, but I am overjoyed now to be able to have the memories of birthing my beautiful little boy. How much I would have missed with the D&E.

JayJay...I am so happy for you..thank you for finding me here!

I am so grateful to hear from such wonderful ladies here! It is sad that our pain brings us together to bond here, but it is so important to talk through these feelings. I'm glad we are here for eachother.

I have not had the time or the energy to go to everyone's blog or look at everyone's stories, but

MI_Dawn...I did have time to go to your son William's website...he is absolutely gorgeous..and I am so so sorry for your terrible loss. My sister-in-law lost her 39 week old as well...I was pregnant with my little girl at the time...and I remember asking myself how anyone could survive such an experience..such a tremendous loss. You are a living super hero, and a beautiful poet it seems. I am glad to meet you..well, at least here on MDC.

Thank you all...


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

About naming...you're not "bad" if you don't name the baby. You don't have to. Certainly not right away. I had always thought I would, always thought that I would really, really want to. But when it happened, there was just nothing. A month later, I've thought about it but still, nothing. To me it seems normal and proper and wonderful to name a lost baby...I don't know why I can't name my own.









I'm so glad you got to see and hold your baby. As painful as it was, I imagine that it was part of the healing and just what you needed. That's not something we got and now I wonder if I should have asked to see the baby, if that would have helped somehow. <sigh> There are always questions aren't there?


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

i am so sorry momma!
i am all for naming living and soaring babies after birth
how can we assign a name to someone we haven't met yet?
i want to get to know them a little before i stamp them so to speak (this is just how i feel about it).

baby boy gaffney is a name!
and if you read _an exact replica of a figment of my imagination_ you'll see that she along with some of us here use the name we called them in-utero, her name for her little one was Pudding, i think it's a sweet name. maybe there is something like that? that you and your husband have already really agreed upon (without knowing it) because it is what you were already calling him?

i am glad you had some time to hold him. i am so sorry again.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I am so sorry, mama. The only reason our son has a name is because the night after he died I had a dream that he came to me and told me his name.







You have to do what feels right to you. It made me feel better knowing that his certificate of fetal demise had a name, that his cremation certificate had a name, etc. To me he was a real person and it made me feel better to have others acknowledge that as well. Do what's right for you!


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

How heartbreaking. I'm so sorry, mama.







My thoughts are with you and yours.














I hope you stick around and find the support you need.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience 5 months ago. I hope that you are able to find peace and healing. The women on this board are amazing, and while we are the club that no one wants to join, I'm glad you found your way here.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *preggymeaggy* 
My sister-in-law lost her 39 week old as well...I was pregnant with my little girl at the time...and I remember asking myself how anyone could survive such an experience..such a tremendous loss.

I'm so sorry for your SIL's loss, yours as well. There's another mama here (Mischevium) who was in the April DDC with me, she lost her son just before mine at 39 weeks, and I had the exact same thoughts you did about how could anyone survive... and a week later, I joined this "club"...







You just think, lightning can't strike twice in the same place... and then it does...


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy.


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

Meag ~ I am so sorry for your loss. My loss was at fifteen and weeks and I too am so thankful to have delivered my ds. Even though my loss was beyond painful and awful I was so grateful to meet my ds. He felt like such a miracle to me. I am not sure if this will be the same but we had Thomas cremated and do have a small amount of ashes. One of the hardest things I had to do was walk out of the hospital not pregnant carrying a "memory box" and folder with stuff all about loss. Grieving is so hard and painful. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I am sooo sorry for yor loss. For ALL the losses. It seems so wrong somehow, even though it happens so often apparently. We named our little guy Simon Alexander...because I liked Simon, and my husband liked Alexander. It seemed like we both needed to name him...and though our names were different...we were able to find a way to express that together. My husband felt it fitting that my name of choice came first because I was the one losing a part of my very body...he was still of my body...I lost a part of me that day. I still can't seem to find that part. My husband feels so blissfully connected to our babe spiritually. I wish I could find that room of peace with him...but I still just feel pain and tears.

Take care....


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so sorry mama


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Peace, Strenght, and Love to your family during this time. Grief is such a strange creature- we think we will behave one way, or have done so in the past and then when the unthinkable happens we behave another. It truly is a strange creature.

I have had 4 miscarriages








All first trimester losses and only 2 have names
Kynon Zander and Lillith Rain. I knew those spirits were gone from me forever, but my other 2 didn't have names because that little spirit never left me. I could feel him with me until I was pregnant again. Then when Jacob was born-finally- I knew he had been the same baby through 3 pregnancies, 2 losses and one triumphant delivery. I cannot explain it more than that- and your words were so eloquent.

I hope you find great strenght here, as I have







These wise women have wonderfull ideas and suggestions, and I think that you would benefit greatly to read their struggles and triumphant moments, I know it's helped me. My Jacob is now almost 8, and my losses were before him, yet I still dream of Kynon and Lillith







They never really leave us, but it has gotten easier for me. I hope it is that way for you too...


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I'm sorry, mama.


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