# Slide s/o - Making Other Parents Life Easier



## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

Full poll options:

*Is it your responsibility to make other parents life easier - to have your dc follow the "rules" of "proper behavior"?*

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*Yes,* it is respectful to enforce the socially accepted rules of "proper behavior." _(eg. Telling your child to eat their veggies or finish their plate because that's how it's done. Or not letting them do the "superman" swing because others say only bottoms on the swing)_

*Yes,* only if I see someone else having a hard time. I don't want my dc's play to stress them out anymore. _(eg. You're at the park and another parent keeps spanking their child because they're going up the slide. Or you're at Christmas with your family and your sister keeps telling her dc not to play with the box of torn wrapping paper&#8230;. As yours goes crazy with it)_

*No.* That is their idea of proper behavior.

*Other*

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The climb up or slide down thread got me started thinking. It seems like a lot of the things we do are for other people - not our children. I know (dd is only 7 months!) I get caught up in the whole - Well, I feel bad because they are having a harder time disciplining their child mantra.

This does not mesh with my gentle living feelings. Why should she have to do things just because someone else does them? To quote my mother "If they were all jumping off a bridge, would you go?"

Any thoughts on how to overcome these feelings - or are they a good thing?

All thoughts welcome.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

It's not a matter of "other parents life easier" its more of "is my behavior adversely effecting someone else for no good reason."

That's why I don't let my kids go up the slide. It gets the slide much dirtier IME because the bottom of the shoe really clomps on the slide, thus making the next person who goes down the slide dirty. And it takes a great deal more time, is uncomfortable for those at the top.

As the saying goes, my right to swing my fist ends at your nose.

Whther or not I eat my veggies has no effect on you, Tearing up paper might or might not and I would decide whether to allow it based on things like does the person whose house we are at object.


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

Nope, not my responsibility at all. My child would be the one going crazy with the wrapping paper while other parents are saying no. We've been at the park with a friend who told her ds not to climb on a certain structure, only to have her ds get off and mine hop right on. I have absolutely no problem having my ds climb. I've also gone to a splash park with a friend who told her ds repeatedly not to run, while my ds ran around happily the entire time.


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## mamabear&babybear (Dec 20, 2004)

I love breaking social "norms". Ever not turn around once you entered an elevator? As long as it isn't hurting someone else then I don't have a problem. I often talk to dd about how other parents have different rules than we do and that's okay because it works for them.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

"Proper" behavior is SO subjective and I don't think it is my personal responsibility to control my child in general, so why would I attempt to control them because I am afraid of what someone else may think?

Of course we model respect for others, we model mutually agreeable solutions, it is my responsibility to model that and to provide assistance and guidance if dd is looking to me for it -- it is my responsibility to help her respect the boundaries of others while of course, advocating and helping her define and respect the boundaries she has set for herself...

However, there is no way on this green earth I would sanction my daughter just to please someone else, especially if she wasn't disrespecting their bodies or their property.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

This thread reminded me of a time I was at the park and my kids had taken their shoes off so that they could play in the sand with bare feet. A mom came up to me and said "you're one of those moms who lets their kids take off their shoes and then all the other kids want to take off their shoes too." Ummm...







: It is just impossible to predict all the rules other parents could have.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

ITA ---

Like I said in the other thread, I can actually respect a parent who plainly says something like "Because her mama said she could do ___ but I am your mama and I am saying I don't want you to ____" -- because at least it is honest and matter of fact (even if I don't agree)....

I usually get the looks and whatnot when parents have lied or have been manipulative or deceptive and I won't carry on the lie --- for example "if you take your shoes off to run in the sand your feet will get cut with glass" or "The people who take care of the park will come and tell you to leave if you climb up the slide" or something of that nature ---

Then they get all pissy when my kid is climbing up the slide (not bothering anyone) and their kid says "but no one is coming to tell that girl to leave" because their cover is all blown....


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I voted no but I do help him be conscious that his activities aren't interfering with other people and if it is something he doesn't feel strongly about, I may suggest we do it later so another person doesn't feel bad because they aren't allowed to do what he is doing.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
It's not a matter of "other parents life easier" its more of "is my behavior adversely effecting someone else for no good reason."

Definitely. However, "adversely affecting" is vague. One parent might *feel* adversely affected while I might feel that her situation is not something I have a responsibility to change. The following is, IMO, an example of that:

Quote:

That's why I don't let my kids go up the slide. It gets the slide much dirtier IME because the bottom of the shoe really clomps on the slide, thus making the next person who goes down the slide dirty. And it takes a great deal more time, is uncomfortable for those at the top.
I don't believe that it is my responsibility to keep other people's children clean at the park. Now, if my kids were tracking mud up the slide, ok. But in general, we're talking about sand or mulch. I assume when we go to the park that my children will come home covered in sweat and dirt.

With respect to other slide issues, I've noticed groups of children peacefully playing with slides in a variety of ways. Most kids are capable of negotiating that. When my kids need assistance or appear to be bothering other children, I help them with a reminder to be aware of others, or some assistance in resolving turn-taking issues, etc.

In general, I'm not a fan of blanket rules. I guess I find "climbing up the slide inconveniences other people" to be too much of a blanket statement for my taste, too. Situations can be very different. If the situation calls for not going up the slide, we discuss the reason why. I guess I feel like it's possible to have rules that are more general principles than hard and fast "we always do it this way" instructions???

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
"Proper" behavior is SO subjective...

However, there is no way on this green earth I would sanction my daughter just to please someone else, especially if she wasn't disrespecting their bodies or their property.

Yup. My feelings exactly.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnysideup* 
This thread reminded me of a time I was at the park and my kids had taken their shoes off so that they could play in the sand with bare feet. A mom came up to me and said "you're one of those moms who lets their kids take off their shoes and then all the other kids want to take off their shoes too." Ummm...







: It is just impossible to predict all the rules other parents could have.









I think I might have said, "Yes, yes I am one of *those* mothers." Seriously, though, WTF? Everybody does things differently. If another parent does something and my children observe it and want to change what they're doing because of it, it's up to me to discuss that with my kids. I can't blame that parent for causing an undesirable situation for me.

And like you said, who can predict what every other parent's rules are? Some people assume that their rules are the way that everybody does things. That simply isn't true, and other people are often completely unaware of what other people find to be "normal". Almost nobody is *trying* to piss other people off and make their lives harder.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

No way am I responsible for making other people's lives easier. I love being 'that parent' actuallly.







I think sometimes we (me included) get caught up in the trap of doing things 'just becuse' or because it's more 'accepted' and it's very refreshing to see someone who bends or breaks that mold. I love love seeing the 3 year old at the park in her princess dress and cowboy hat with mismatched socks and tennis shoes. It reminds me to relax and have fun.
If dd was hurting someone or destroying property, of course, I would intervene, but that has rarely been the case. Sometimes it's a hard call though. For example, recently I was at a Starbucks with dd. At home, she is allowed to climb virtually anything, minus the bookshelves which are not anchored yet (helllo dh!!) but anything else is game. She is very agile, and has never fallen and been injured. Well, at Starbucks there are these really tempting high counters with barstools. I was fixing my coffe and had my back to her and I hear "Um, maam, she's on top of the counter." I turn around and sure enough, she's standing on there, proud as anything. "Mommy, I climbed all the way up!" I felt like I should take her off, because it's not cool to stand on the counters of Starbucks.







But I stopped myself. I told her sometimes people dont like if you climb on their counters and would rather she stay on the floor. I simply told her so, asked her to get down, and she did. We even wiped the counter down with a wipe, since she had her shoes on it.







:
I am really trying hard to stop and think about my reactions to dd's behavior. I assess whether I am really concerned for her safety or the safety of others, or whether what she is doing really has the potential to damage property, and usually the answer is no. Usually my reaction to stop her is due to 'social' norms or wanting to avoid a scene or other people staring. I admit, it's very very hard to ignore. BUT, it's important to me to honor dd, and so I am trying vigilantly to let that reaction to stop her go. I'm getting much better the more I do it, which is a good thing, since she's opinionated anyway.







It would cause so many unecessary conflicts between us, and for what? To fit in or make someone more comfortable? Nah.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Wanted to come back with an example of a time when I did make choices based on what another parent was doing. We had a playdate last week with my friend and her children. After playing and eating lunch, my sons asked for ice cream (we were in a mall food court). I discussed it with them off to the side and told them that I wasn't sure if the other mommy was planning on having ice cream with her children, and that I would check and see if it was ok for all the kids to have ice cream. Then I told my friend (out of earshot of her kids) that my kids would like ice cream, and asked if I could treat them to some as well. I felt like this gave her the opportunity to take several different approaches. She could have said no, she didn't want her kids to have the ice cream (and since her kids didn't hear this discussion, they wouldn't be upset) - and I would have relayed this to my kids and suggested we wait and get a treat later. She could accept my offer to treat. Or she could offer to pay for ice cream for her own kids. She did the latter. I thought the way I approached it gave both of us the opportunity to make choices that suited ourselves while being sensitive to the other family at the same time. I *could* have just bought ice cream for my kids and we could have eaten it in front of her kids, regardless of whether or not they got any. This way I didn't drive her kids nuts with jealousy or put her in a situation where she felt pressure to buy.


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## mauimama5 (Apr 12, 2005)

:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
ITA ---

Like I said in the other thread, I can actually respect a parent who plainly says something like "Because her mama said she could do ___ but I am your mama and I am saying I don't want you to ____" -- because at least it is honest and matter of fact (even if I don't agree)....

I usually get the looks and whatnot when parents have lied or have been manipulative or deceptive and I won't carry on the lie --- for example "if you take your shoes off to run in the sand your feet will get cut with glass" or "The people who take care of the park will come and tell you to leave if you climb up the slide" or something of that nature ---

Then they get all pissy when my kid is climbing up the slide (not bothering anyone) and their kid says "but no one is coming to tell that girl to leave" because their cover is all blown....









:


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## WhaleinGaloshes (Oct 9, 2006)

My initial thoughts were "no, they can parent how ever they want and make whatever rules they want, but if they want to choose battles that I do not they can fight them themselves..." but I want to add a caveat:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captivatedlife* 

*Is it your responsibility to make other parents life easier - to have your dc follow the "rules" of "proper behavior"?*

*Yes,* only if I see someone else having a hard time. I don't want my dc's play to stress them out anymore. _(eg. You're at the park and another parent keeps spanking their child because they're going up the slide. Or you're at Christmas with your family and your sister keeps telling her dc not to play with the box of torn wrapping paper&#8230;. As yours goes crazy with it)_


In these kinds of situations, I would like to encourage my daughter to be sensitive to the other children. An adult parallel may be: if I went out to dinner with a friend who I knew was on dietary restriction, I wouldn't order a hot fudge sundae and let her watch me lick the spoon (and I doubt many others would either.) So if my daughter found herself in a situation where she was permitted something but other children weren't, I'd encourage her take her playing somewhere else where they wouldn't have to watch or to choose an activity that everyone can enjoy.

The degree to which I'd encourage her to do this varies..i.e. I think it's more appropriate at a family Christmas party than at the park (I would tailor my dinner order to be sensitive to my friend sitting at my table but not necessarily the whole restaurant's worth of patrons kind of thing.)

For the parent, though, I don't feel too much sympathy or pressure to make their life easier.


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## Hannahsmummy (Oct 12, 2006)

It really is subjective to what is happening at the time.
There are certain rules we need to follow for saftey reasons or whatever. There as also things we do on occassion but sometimes refrain if it is bothering someone else. For me, it comes down to respecting other human beings, not just their physical selves but their emotional one as well.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I agree with easy goer on helping your child be aware of others. We do this all the time. However we still give her the freedom to choose what to do, but we do point out that someone else may feel left out/jelous/ect. Ultimately though, while I want her to be sensitive to others, I dont want her to feel like she is responsible for other people's feelings or actions.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4evermom* 
I voted no but I do help him be conscious that his activities aren't interfering with other people and if it is something he doesn't feel strongly about, I may suggest we do it later so another person doesn't feel bad because they aren't allowed to do what he is doing.









, but

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
In general, I'm not a fan of blanket rules. I guess I find "climbing up the slide inconveniences other people" to be too much of a blanket statement for my taste, too. Situations can be very different. If the situation calls for not going up the slide, we discuss the reason why. I guess I feel like it's possible to have rules that are more general principles than hard and fast "we always do it this way" instructions???
<snip>
And like you said, who can predict what every other parent's rules are? Some people assume that their rules are the way that everybody does things. That simply isn't true, and other people are often completely unaware of what other people find to be "normal". Almost nobody is *trying* to piss other people off and make their lives harder.

This too.

Annnnnnnnnnd.....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
I thought the way I approached it gave both of us the opportunity to make choices that suited ourselves while being sensitive to the other family at the same time. I *could* have just bought ice cream for my kids and we could have eaten it in front of her kids, regardless of whether or not they got any. This way I didn't drive her kids nuts with jealousy or put her in a situation where she felt pressure to buy.

Sounds like something I would do.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *easy_goer* 
The degree to which I'd encourage her to do this varies..
<snip>
For the parent, though, I don't feel too much sympathy or pressure to make their life easier.

Right - my sympathy goes to the child who may be being continuously hounded by their parent to not do something my kid is doing, moreso than the parent really...so I weigh situations on their individual merit and if I think my kiddo(s) can have an equal amount of fun doing something similar *and* "acceptable" to the other kids' parents around, I'll request it from them. I will explain that other families do things different ways and say it would be considerate of us to do X instead of Y right now, or something along those lines.


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## HeidiAnn67 (Jun 12, 2007)

For me it depends on the situation what I will do. If we're just at the park and it's something there I usually let my ds do what ever he wants even if other kids can't. If it's with a friend or family I may have him not do things so there won't be anyone upset (I guess technically I'm more sympathetic to the feelings of people I know then those I dont, but that's not a good thing).

Once we were at a friends having Pizza. My son is 4, her dd was 2 1/2 at the time. She set a timer for her dd and she had to stay at the table for the allotted time (she wouldnt force her to eat, but she had to stay there for that time). Well, when my ds was finished he jumped off the seat and went to the toys. I actually said to him "why don't you come back to the table until R can get down" and the mom said to me "no, he doesn't have to. R needs to learn that we have our rules and even if other's have different rules she still has to follow there's"
So my son stayed playing with the toys, and I was impressed by her attitude about it.


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## malibusunny (Jul 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
It's not a matter of "other parents life easier" its more of "is my behavior adversely effecting someone else for no good reason."


This EXACTLY. Though, I hate it when other people let their kids run around restaurants because it makes it that much harder to keep my kid in his seat, so I get the "make other people's lives easier" argument.

Sometimes, just letting my kid be my kid encourages other people's kids to do things that will get them in trouble, and I care enough about the other kids to calm my child down. I don't want to be the reason anyone is harsh to their kid.

At my friend's house, I don't let my son go barefoot on the lawn when K doesn't want her daughter to go barefoot on the lawn. If she lets Emma go barefoot, though, I let Nick. It doesn't seem fair to my friend to let my kid track dirt through her house when she won't let her own kid do it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

No. This turns into a "strictest mom's rules go" thing and I'm just not going to make my daughter follow the strictest mom's rules. There was a case (I posted about it somewhere at MDC) where my daughter was playing with another girl who continually got in trouble for doing what my daughter was doing, and I suggested to my daughter that she might want to follow the other mom's rules for the period of time that her daughter was there so her daughter would stop getting punished, and my daughter agreed to that, but I wasn't going to force her to stop playing how she wanted for the benefit of this other mom, either. And I did that for the benefit of the girl, not the mom.

I have an example. This past winter, we went to a McDonald's PlayPlace with friends. (I know, ugh, but physical play options are limited in Illinois in the winter sometimes.) Anyway, she has a rule that her son and daughter have to sit and eat their food before they play. I have no such rule. In my opinion, the play is healthier than the food anyway. So I just let my daughter play, and get a bite here and there if she wants. I'm not going to make my daughter sit and eat unhealthy food, and more than she'd naturally eat anyway, and get less healthy play in because of this mother's IMO silly rule. If I go to a McD's playplace, I buy food because the playplace is only for customers, not because I want my daughter eating the food. This other mom didn't like that, but if she wanted us to do the same thing, maybe she should have discussed it with me ahead of time rather than assuming I'd just follow her rule - and a rule that I disagree with. Why should I be more strict to match her style rather than her loosening up to match my style or us meeting halfway? I'd be happy if my daughter didn't eat a bite of that food and then was still hungry when we got home and ate some proper lunch.


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## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

I voted for, "Yes, only if I see someone else having a hard time." My ds is just a toddler, so these situations are just starting to be part of our lives. Most of the pps refer to deferring to the stricter parent. Recently, I found myself relaxing my rules to accommodate another child. My ds was playing with another child at a tiny neighborhood park, and there were no other children present. The other child was climbing on the kid-sized picnic tables and marching around. Of course, ds wanted to try that too. Typically, I'd stop him from doing that sort of climbing ("We sit at tables to eat. How about climbing the ladder?"). The other mother was fine with her kid climbing the table; the tables were low and already filthy, so I let him join the marching fun. They had a good time, and haven't yet had any trouble with ds climbing other tables in other situations. I'm trying to teach myself to not be so quick to jump on my "danger" vibes (so now I join the ranks of parents letting their children climb up the slides







). So, I guess my point is ... if we weren't so busy judging other parents for their different choices, it could be an opportunity to learn something.


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I guess it would depend on the specific situation or issue, but in general no I am not going to base my interactions with my kids on other parents and kids. My kids have never had to wear a jacket when they didn't want to because other kids did, or told to sit down and eat because everyone else was even though they weren't hungry or interested or anything like that. That kind of thing would totally go against what we value. We don't intentionally set out to make things hard, but we do feel it's important to live in a way we can .._live with_.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
It's not a matter of "other parents life easier" its more of "is my behavior adversely effecting someone else for no good reason."

As the saying goes, my right to swing my fist ends at your nose.

Whther or not I eat my veggies has no effect on you, Tearing up paper might or might not and I would decide whether to allow it based on things like does the person whose house we are at object.

I like her answer.









I'm not going to enforce socially "proper" behavior for behavior's sake. I will enforce it out of respect for others...i.e., I'm not going to let my child fling sand and wood chips at the playground if other kids are near, I'm not going to let him climb up the slide when other children are lined up at the top trying to go down, I'm not going to let him hog the hands-on exhibits at the museum for an hour while other children wait.

Basic common courtesy.

My best friend's kids are way restricted when their grandmonster is there (she comes over sometimes when bf and I are hanging out), i.e., she actually told the little girl she couldn't wear flip flops and walk up stairs.







: I actually had the urge to put flip flops on my ds and encourage him to walk up and down the stairs repeatedly, just to make her nuts.







: Fortunately grandmonster isn't there that much, but when she is, I don't make my ds conform to her crazy over-the-top-put-your-kid-in-a-plastic-bubble "rules." She's a nutter.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Finch* 
My best friend's kids are way restricted when their grandmonster is there (she comes over sometimes when bf and I are hanging out), i.e., she actually told the little girl she couldn't wear flip flops and walk up stairs.







: I actually had the urge to put flip flops on my ds and encourage him to walk up and down the stairs repeatedly, just to make her nuts.







: Fortunately grandmonster isn't there that much, but when she is, I don't make my ds conform to her crazy over-the-top-put-your-kid-in-a-plastic-bubble "rules." She's a nutter.

She may be a nutter. I am sure she is. I will tell you though that my dd's best friend broke her ankle going up the stairs in flip flops. In a way that definitely would not have happened in other shoes, the flip flop did not make it up the stair but rather went flying off as the foot was raised and caused the child to trip.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
She may be a nutter. I am sure she is. I will tell you though that my dd's best friend broke her ankle going up the stairs in flip flops. In a way that definitely would not have happened in other shoes, the flip flop did not make it up the stair but rather went flying off as the foot was raised and caused the child to trip.

Yes, yes...I know.







You have to know this woman, though...she really does just want to put kids in a plastic bubble. She tells the kids not to run _at the park_. She freaked out when the parents got them an indoor mini-trampoline with a handle like the one ds uses at OT. She'd think MY house was a death trap, because we have this in my house and actually encourage ds to use it. She calls my bf whenever she's at my house, because she worries about her backing out of my "dangerous" driveway. My bf is 33.







:

The woman's a nutter.


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## Kitty_boo (Feb 9, 2007)

I voted Yes, if it was stressing other parents out - but this is a wierd one. I would ask DS to modify his behaviour if it was disrupting a lot of parents, or it was encouraging behaviour in other kids that wasn't age appropiate and therefore risky. Also, if a parent comes up to me and explains that they are having issues with DS behaviour and could give me a valid reason why. Perhaps there is something I am not aware of.

I wouldn't alter DS behaviour if it wasn't something that I felt fine with but another parent didn't for no obvious reason I could see. i.e. at the park today DS wanted to sit in the middle of the slide instead of the end. Another kid wanted to do the same, and asked me if he could. I pointed him straight back to his mother. If she said "No", then she had to explain why.

I take it that, "respectful to enforce the socially accepted rules of "proper behavior.", are rules above and beyond the ones we all want following. (i.e. don't hurt, don't make people upset, respect peoples property and space, don't steal, etc)


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

I only stop a certain behaviour if I was gonna do it anyway. I do not take responsibility for other children's behaviour, neither will I make my DD's life more difficult so as to make it easier for other parents to parent in the way they have chosen. This of course does not apply if my child's behaviour is physically affecting others (jumping on friend's couch, throwing sand at pg, spoiling other kid's toys- these are all not acceptable of course). But I will not stop my child from doing something she enjoys and I see no problem in just so that another kid doesnt copy that action presuming her mom has a problem with it. Its simple- just because my child cant have a colouring-infused lolly or a can of pop at the store does not mean I expect other moms not to buy that for their kids? That would be strange and ridiculous, wouldnt it?

But having said these, the above applies specifically to now because my DD is a spirited 3yo who already have enough age-related struggles







of her own. She doesnt need me to impose more arbitrary rules just so that I look better in the eyes of other moms.


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## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

I voted other because to me it's often also about respecting the other child, more than the other parent.

To give you an example, I have a good friend, who has a daughter the same age as my son -- the kids are good friends too. She is WAY more protective than I am. She also has a much more impulsive child than I do, which leads her to be even more protective. For example, she has a "no playing in bushes" rule because you might get scratched, and a "no riding your scooter on hills rule" because you might fall etc . . . Our rule is basically "use your common sense" which my DS has a lot of. He's played in plenty of bushes and ridden down hundreds of hills and lived to tell the tales. However, I can understand why she feels her daughter needs different rules.

When we're together there are often situations where her child asks to do something that DS would be allowed to do, and she's told no. I'll often call DS over and say "I just heard A's mom ask her not to do X. Since you and X are here to play together, why don't you guys think of something you can both do". DS will also often here her mom asking her to stop and stop on his own. It seems unfair to her DD to have to give up playing with DS because he's off doing something she's forbidden to do.

I am less likely to do this with a child I don't know, but if the kids are playing together nicely I might say the same thing. I've also been known to point out to DS if his play is making another child feel uncomfortable, or if a much younger child is copying him I'll say "I know you can do that safely, and I trust you, but I also worry that that little one's going to copy you and I don't think he's ready. Can you think of something else to do now, and you can do that later?"


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## 2much2luv (Jan 12, 2003)

Absolutely not, and I don't expect others to do it for me. I have been both the mom getting dirty looks for letting her children do "outlandish" things and the mom saying "Because that isn't my child, sweety".


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

I'm all for enforcing socially acceptable behavior when my child's behavior directly impinges on other people - laying down in the grocery store aisle, trying to play with other kids in a way that they don't like (scary roaring or whatever).

But the examples in the OP sound like I would be participating in other parents' attempts to overcontrol their children, and overcontrolling mine in a way I disagree with in the process. I wouldn't do that. And the 'superman swing' is super fun and the only way my kids can swing independently, so no way would I disallow it







.


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## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

I have a hard time with this. (this is all hypothetical as dd is 7 months!) I'm quite sure if my sister asked her dd to stop playing in the wrapping paper - I'd probably ask my dd to stop too - and then nothing else would appease her. I'd just ask because I want to keep the peace in my family - but kids are meant to be kids. Strangers I can stand up to - family I have a harder time.

I think, in a perfect world, I'd try to encourage empathy in my child by providing the knowledge that another child isn't allowed to do x..... and leave it at that. If they choose not to great, if not, as long as no ones hurt, ect (beyond the simple curtesy I plan on teaching my dd) they are allowed to do what I allow them to do.

Ask me though in a couple of years and I'll get back to you on this one!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captivatedlife* 
*Yes,* only if I see someone else having a hard time. I don't want my dc's play to stress them out anymore. _(eg. You're at the park and another parent keeps spanking their child because they're going up the slide. Or you're at Christmas with your family and your sister keeps telling her dc not to play with the box of torn wrapping paper&#8230;. As yours goes crazy with it)_

*No.* That is their idea of proper behavior.

I'm in between those two.
If a parent was having a hard time with their dc, and I could tell that it was at least somewhat contributed to by my son's behavior, I would definitely tell ds, and suggest that he stop doing x/start doing something else. I would maybe even *insist* a little bit (but not to the point that I would force ds to change his actions, if that makes sense).
But it's hard for me to say, because I can't think of a situation where ds has refused to change his actions in response to my giving him that information. I might feel quite compelled to stop ds from contributing to others' problems.

I let ds climb up slides. My rule is that people going down have the right of way, and I've never had a problem having ds respect that.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I voted other because it depends on the situation. At the park, I don't feel compelled to make dd follow anyone else's rules. In my friends' houses, I definitely feel like dd should follow the rules of their house, even if they're different from ours.


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## DBassett (May 15, 2007)

My children follow MY rules (well DBF's too) and that's it. My rules sometimes vary upon the situation though- for ex. if another kid is being punished for doing what my child is, I may ask my child to stop that activity until that child leaves but it's for the childs benefit, not the parents. As PP mentioned, I wouldn't (nor would I let my children) eat something in front of a person that that person could not have. Then again, I won't let my children eat in front of ANYONE unless they have enough to share because it's rude. I teach common courtesy but I most certainly would NOT make my child stop whatever their doing to make things easier for another parent. It's not my problem if other parents have different rules. My child is my responsibility and my child follows MY rules.


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## imahappymama (Feb 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnysideup* 
This thread reminded me of a time I was at the park and my kids had taken their shoes off so that they could play in the sand with bare feet. A mom came up to me and said "you're one of those moms who lets their kids take off their shoes and then all the other kids want to take off their shoes too." Ummm...







: It is just impossible to predict all the rules other parents could have.

HaHAHA! That's classic! If you begin to think freely,then your children will, and then my children will begin to question things and soon we'll have anarchy!


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

I voted the second yes, but it depends on how silly their rules are. I'm not going to ask my child to eat anything she doesn't want to, I'm not going to stop her swinging on the swing by hanging over it. But if they're having a really hard time I might redirect her, or apologise that my kid was just allowed to do it in front of theirs. I apologised about something recently, but I don't remember what it was.

Quote:

I'm all for enforcing socially acceptable behavior when my child's behavior directly impinges on other people - laying down in the grocery store aisle, trying to play with other kids in a way that they don't like (scary roaring or whatever).

But the examples in the OP sound like I would be participating in other parents' attempts to overcontrol their children, and overcontrolling mine in a way I disagree with in the process. I wouldn't do that. And the 'superman swing' is super fun and the only way my kids can swing independently, so no way would I disallow it .
yeah, that.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i remember when my dd was 3, my friend was over with her 1 year old. we had a two story house then, and my dd would go upstairs to her bedroom and play....and then come back down to check in with me every now and then. she wasn't trying to taunt my friend's dd or anything by using the steps....as they were visiting for hours. i remember my friend telling my daughter to please not go upstairs. she said if my dd would stay downstairs then her dd would stop trying to go up the stairs and follow her. my thoughts were, maybe that's true - but my daughter is allowed to use the stairs....so if you don't want your dd on the steps then watch her and correct YOUR dd - not MINE! i feel the same way about the playground. we abide by safety rules which for the most part cover courtesy as well, but if my dd wants to take her shoes off and play in the sand - go for it! if another mom is ticked because she has a "shoes-on" rule -- then she can enforce it on her kids - not mine!


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

I am also of the cast who does not impose arbitrary sanctions on my dc; the fact that others do doesn't encourage me to begin.

While I was reading through all of the examples, both factual and hypothetical, I was wondering how much this is an issue for families with several children. I guess that's because I found it sometimes difficult at the park when ds1 was there before siblings, but I didn't stop him from trying what others were doing. It was difficult because 1) I am ALWAYS pregnant and physically at my limit, and 2) because he then needed my assistance to do things he wasn't yet ready to do independently. I wouldn't have stopped him for safety reasons, though, since I was always there to make a potentially unsafe situation safe for him. This may not be universally possible, though- I don't feel confident to conclude on that, I just have my own experiences to convey here.

Now, with three boys four and under, I find these issues just don't arise in the playground because of the dynamic between my own children. They watch out for each other, and I've even heard ds1 tell other children to be careful around ds3 (19 months) because he's learning, but he's not ready to ___ yet.

Ds3 is, however, as my dh says, an adrenaline junkie, and he's actually very advanced in his motor skills, fairly unhindered by anything that isn't out of reach for him at the park.

I do notice other parents gasping at him jumping off of 3 1/2 foot high platforms and climbing up ten feet to the top of the big slide or the climbing walls, etc... and while I know they don't allow their dc to do the same, I would NEVER prohibit my dc from doing so.

We also don't have a baby gate at the top of our stairs, (which means a few of our friends won't come over) because it just provides a higher ledge off of which at least the youngest will then launch himself, let alone that there isn't any latch system we've found that is more difficult for them than for me







.

With one child, I found he definitely wanted to do what the other children at the park were doing, but that desire seems to have dissipated with the addition of other dc, and that the younger two also are not as interested in what children they don't know are doing as they are in what each other is doing, which almost always conforms to what we've all come to understand and agree upon as acceptable. We're a sort of moving organism together and feel little to no extrinsic pressure/influence when we are out. Maybe there are just too many of us to notice implied expectations or pressures at this point?

I should clarify that dc do definietely notice others and are considerate of them, very much so, and also LOOOOOOVE playing with new children; they just don't seem to desire to do what others are doing just because they're doing it. Again, ds1 did until he had siblings, and the others never have shown such an interest.

I also wouldn't have a problem with dc taking off their shoes; I've expressed to them that those are their feet, not mine, and if they want them bare, that's fine with me. Then I alert them to the possible obstacles to look out for and away they go. Sometimes they come back for their shoes, and other times not. I really don't see why their personal decision should be a point of contention for others. I cannot imagine being upset with another woman for taking off her shoes at the beach simply because I prefer to keep mine on...









Anyone else find the same?


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