# We lost our baby



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'm probably going to put this stuff in several posts. I know I personally find long, long posts impossible to read.

I've had an off feeling about this pregnancy from the beginning. I usually am over-the-top nauseated and throwing up all nine months. This time I was nauseated, but it came and went, and mostly really tired. I thought maybe the tired was because I was older (I'm 36) and the not nauseated as much was because I had lost 35 pounds before the pregnancy. Also, my sex-drive was superhigh (sorry if TMI) which is unusual for me during a pregnancy. I stupidly thought maybe this meant a girl this time.

There were other signs. The midwife didn't catch the heartbeat and she didn't let me pay her "in case this wasn't a pregnancy," which seemed like an odd thing to say at the time. I wonder now if she knew something wasn't right.

Wednesday night I went to see Half-Blood Prince after dinner, and I was having what felt like Braxton Hicks. I was 13 weeks. I came home and was lying in bed and it occurred to me that it was way early for BH. I was trying to decide if I wanted to fire up the laptop and look it up when I felt a gush. I went to the bathroom and it was blood.

I woke my husband up and said "We're losing the baby" and he said "No, we're not."







Then he actually woke up and asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to go to the ER. I drove myself while he trolled Facebook to see who was awake and a very kind church lady came over so he could meet me at the hospital.

They did a urine dip-- positive for pregnancy. They took blood. The bleeding slowed down and stopped. The doctor was not very sympathetic or kind. He did an internal and said "I don't know where the blood is coming from but you're not having a miscarriage." I asked how I could not be having a miscarriage-- where did the bright red blood and the tiny clots come from? He said "Do you want to have a miscarriage?" in a really snotty voice.

The nurse was nicer and tried and tried to find a heartbeat, but nothing. They said my HcG levels were on target for 13 weeks, which turned out to be a lie.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

On Thursday, I had an ultrasound at 10:30. They wouldn't let me watch, but she left the screen up and I saw nothing that looked like a baby.

We had to re-register in the ER--I am really afraid of what this will do to us financially-- and got the results, which were very non-committal. It looked like a 7 week pregnancy, there might be a yolk sac, there might be a fetal pole. I knew this was bad, because it would mean I conceived two weeks after I had a positive, which would be impossible. We made some appointments and I went home and slept. I knew we'd lost the baby.

Like I said before, I never really had a good feeling or a connection. I prayed that God would tell me the baby's name, because I had no clue. Samuel was the name that came to me.

I went in at 6:30 for another blood draw on Friday and then had an appointment for another ultrasound at the OB office. The technician was excellent and I said "This could be my only chance to see my baby, or what was my baby" and he turned on a screen where I could watch. The whole staff was compassionate.

Even the stuff they saw yesterday was starting to disintegrate. No baby. My HcG levels had gone down as well. The baby had actually died about 5 weeks ago, and my body just kept acting like I was pregnant.

I wasn't pressured at all, but they gave me a choice to miscarry on my own or have a D&E. Because I wasn't passing any clots or tissues even though I had lost the baby five weeks ago and because I'm just not a very stoic person, I decided to have the D&E.

Between finding out my baby was dead and going to the hospital to have him removed, I had to have my homeschool affidavit notarized and turned into the school district. It was odd piece of normalcy to the day.

The wait at the hospital was excruciating. We got in at 10:30 and they didn't take me back until after 2:30. My last was a homebirth, and I forgot how much I hated hospitals. Don't get me wrong-- everyone was exceedingly kind. But the whole divvying out info on their own time and acting like I didn't have the right to ask questions about my own body really drove me nuts.

They gave me a little sedation before they knocked me out, and I realized why Samuel. In the Bible, his mother Hannah brought him to the Temple and essentially gave him to God when he was five, probably way before she wanted to. I was giving my baby to God way too early as well.

The procedure went well. I came out of the anesthesia really well, which I usually don't. No nausea. Very little pain or cramping or bleeding. They told me not to nurse for 24 hours, which I realized later was bunk, but I did ask my husband to sleep with Daniel (2) downstairs so I could have some space and not nurse him that night, and they did great. All my kids are being wonderful. This morning Nicholas was blowing kisses up to the sky. He said he was sending kisses to Samuel in heaven.


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

Many more hugs to you here in this thread too. You chose a beautiful name for your son. Lots of prayers for you as you proocess and heal.







Samuel


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## Elowyn (Nov 3, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you had to deal with crappy treatment in the ER on top of it.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

May God comfort you and your family.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I may have some practical questions, but I'll start a new thread.

We were supposed to go across the state this weekend for a long-standing college reunion with friends. I went ahead and sent my husband and all the kids. I'm hoping Daniel will do OK. I think he will. There will be 10 kids besides ours there to distract him, including a brand new baby boy, which is part of why I declined.

I'm here alone, and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I don't feel like talking to people, even online. I won't answer the phone unless it's my husband, although I suppose I have to since he arranged for people to call and check on me while he's gone. DH made arrangements for the local sub shop to deliver meals for me today and tomorrow (which they don't usually do, which is really a blessing) and I cried when the sub guy left. A dear friend came over this morning, and she's bringing me dinner today and tomorrow, and I handled that, but barely.

I don't want people to be pissed off if I can't talk to them, but I just can't. I'm an introvert. I just want to be alone. I feel guilty for not going this weekend and for leaving other people to deal with my kids. The other wives said to come and I could stay up in my room but I just couldn't do it.

And I'm so sad. We lost our first, and it happened almost exactly the same way. Baby died around 7 weeks, I miscarried at 13. Heck, it even happened on a Friday. I'm angry that I didn't realized what was going on. I'm angry that my body not only can't hold onto a pregnancy, but also can't figure out when to let one go.

I'm angry at my midwife for not returning my call. That's just inexcusable to me. It also puts me in the position of having to find another way to have a homebirth next baby, and there aren't that many choices around here.

So, that's my story. I hope writing it out brings me a little peace. I don't know if that's why I did it though. Even though he was tiny, it just seemed like his story deserved to be told.

Rest in peace, Samuel Paul. You were wanted and loved.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

I am sorry for your loss.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh mama, i think his story needed to be told *especially* because he was tiny. i'm so, so sorry you lost your sweet Samuel. i'm so sad for you.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

I'm so sorry, momma.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm so very sorry.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry, mama. *HUGE hugs* to you and your family XXXXX


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

i just lost a baby too, so i sort of know how u are feeling,
seems like hospitals haven't always treated you with the care you deserve









((((hugs)))))))

Jools


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't want to talk to any of my friends or family after it happened. I sent out an email letting people know what was going on and asking for space until I was ready to talk about it. I don't know if this helped or hurt my situation. Some people (like my mom) took that as an excuse to not talk to me at all about what I've been through and to act like everything is normal. Other people said, I'm here for you and let me know when you are ready. I know people handle grief differently, but I have been hurt by the fact that some aren't talking to me about the situation, even after I've reached out to them, letting them know I was ready to talk. It sounds like you have a really great support network and I hope that people will understand your need for space, and be there when you need them.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Thanks, colorclash. I've just been letting my husband run interference (wimpy, I know!) and not answering the phone. The worst is the people saying it's all for the best. These are mostly people who thought having a fifth child was a stupid move anyway, like my nan who sent an email that said "Sorry you lost the baby but it was probably for the best." I felt violent.

A lovely lady from church and her daughter, who is in the youth group and whom I love, stopped by with flowers and a sweet tea from McDonalds, which I really craved this pregnancy. And one of the first things she said was "Do you want to talk about how it happened?" She's about the only person in real life I've ever encountered who recognized that just as women need to tell their birth stories, I needed to tell this birth story, even if was a story that didn't end happily. She offered to bring me lunch tomorrow or pick me up to go out, and I said I'd like to go out. I think it will be good to get out of the house. I just need to pick a place where church people won't be likely to be (my husband is a pastor).

Also, I just discovered there's a name for this- a missed miscarriage. This is my second missed miscarriage. I feel like I can't even manage to lose a baby in a normal way.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Annettemarie,

I know there are no words that make it better. I know that no matter what you hear it will still hurt. I did just want you to know that I have BTDT, and it HURTS. But, that your love for your baby will always last, no matter if he joined your family or no.

I am so sorry you have lost another one. May God grant you a new blessing one day that you can have and hold. But for now, hide in God's arms. He will bring you through this.


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

This is so hard. My thoughts are with you.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been 7 months since my loss and I still feel like not being around people sometimes. Be gentle with yourself and take care.
















Samuel


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

annettemarie, I'm so sorry for your loss.







Samuel


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I'm so sorry, AM


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## JTA Mom (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 

I'm here alone, and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I don't feel like talking to people, even online. I won't answer the phone unless it's my husband, although I suppose I have to since he arranged for people to call and check on me while he's gone.

I don't want people to be pissed off if I can't talk to them, but I just can't. I'm an introvert. I just want to be alone. I feel guilty for not going this weekend and for leaving other people to deal with my kids. The other wives said to come and I could stay up in my room but I just couldn't do it.

And I'm so sad. We lost our first, and it happened almost exactly the same way. Baby died around 7 weeks, I miscarried at 13. Heck, it even happened on a Friday. I'm angry that I didn't realized what was going on. I'm angry that my body not only can't hold onto a pregnancy, but also can't figure out when to let one go.

I'm angry at my midwife for not returning my call. That's just inexcusable to me. It also puts me in the position of having to find another way to have a homebirth next baby, and there aren't that many choices around here.

So, that's my story. I hope writing it out brings me a little peace. I don't know if that's why I did it though. Even though he was tiny, it just seemed like his story deserved to be told.

Rest in peace, Samuel Paul. You were wanted and loved.

I am so sorry, AnnetteMarie. It hurts so bad to lose a little one, it just doesn't seem fair.







s

As for not wanting to talk to anyone, don't be hard on yourself. People need to realize it's NOT about them--it's about what YOU need & want. People who have never lost a child may not be able to really realize this, kwim? If they can't realize that & act however, then just try to let it slide off your back & let your dh deal with them. Some people just don't know what it is like, and can't or won't go there--it's too painful to think about.

I am also so sorry that you have lost two precious babies in a similar way. Please don't blame your body. You are probably feeling a lot of anger at what happened and I don't want you to turn it in on yourself like that. I don't know why you lost both of you little ones. I don't know why I lost Joseph. I don't think we are supposed to know the 'why'. My (Greek Orthodox) priest told me a very healing thing when I lost Joseph. He said that our babies experienced a very important & fulfilling thing in their short time on this earth: unconditional love & the feeling of being intensely wanted. Your little ones knew you & your husband loved them immensely & unconditionally, and that they were wanted. ((HUG))

As for your midwife, give me her name & number & I'll smack her myself!







: Pregnancy & infant (shoot child in general) losses are incredibly difficult & painful. It's still no excuse for why she is avoiding you. Perhaps, to get out some of the frustration you are feeling & to help your (ex?) midwife understand better in the future, write a letter to her, telling her why her actions are hurtful, and what she *should* do & why if this type of situation comes up again. Even if you don't send it, it will get a lot of inner turmoil out into the open.

Also, I know right now you are feeling really raw, but I found that talking to a Therapist speciallizing in pregnancy/childbirth traumas & losses helped me a LOT. I went to a counselor right after losing Joseph, and while it helped a bit then, I didn't fully process the experience until I went to the specialist. She just *knew* how to approach certain things in a VERY helpful way.

Sending lots & lots of







s your way.

Ami


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss









I couldn't talk to anyone either after my loss. I could type, but physically speaking was so draining I wrote an email to friends to ask them not to call or drop by, because it was too hard. And people were really good about that.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

AM~ I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Samuel







. I totally understand not going to the reunion, you need time to process what has happened to you and to process some of the grief. Assuming your husband is okay with it, I think it's perfectly fine to have him run interference. It doesn't make you a wimp, it's okay to have times when you are too emotionally raw to deal with other people.

As far as feeling like you're body can't even miscarry right-- I say this as gently as possible and with the full empathy of someone who has lost a child, too-- we each have our own reason, our own unique piece of babyloss that makes our story different and can make us each feel broken in some way. I have a lot of sadness and anger that my body didn't "know" something was wrong and go into labor before Soren died. I have a lot of anger and sadness that my body failed to sustain him. I could go on. I just want to acknowledge that I heard the pain in your words and wish I could make it better for you.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'm having a rough night. I don't know if sending everyone away was a good idea or not. I can't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time and I'm feeling a little crampy. I think we have some Tylenol PM here somewhere, but I don't know if it's a good idea to take it or not. I'm feeling rather sad and empty right now, and very alone.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I am so sorry for the loss of Samuel.

On the sleeplessness note, Tylenol PM is fine is you want to take it. I'd probably be hitting the codeine cough syrup. Or ibuprofen + a heat pack.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

This is all I have in the house. Well, I have vodka and rum downstairs, but that doesn't seem like a good path to go down. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired.


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## Aubergine68 (Jan 25, 2008)

Oh, honey, I'm so very sorry for your loss.







:

Praying for you and your family, and for little Samuel Paul. Peace be with you all.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I'm so sorry, Annette. I hope you can get some sleep.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I'm sending you sleepy vibes - warm virtual milk. Would a warm bath help?


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

, Honey I'm so sorry. I hope you get some rest.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry









I hope you're able to get some rest. The first few days are SO incredibly hard. I remember them like they were yesterday.

Take good care of yourself, and let others do the same. Be patient with yourself and do whatever it takes to get through right now.







Wishing you much peace, strength & healing~








for your precious Samuel


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## AstridS (Mar 9, 2007)

I'm so sorry


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## songtothemoon (Jun 3, 2009)

AnnetteMarie -- I'm so sorry for your loss. You, your family, and sweet Samuel are in my prayers. I don't know if you remember, but I was in your DDC and also had a "missed miscarriage." Your experience and humor meant a lot to me (a first-time-mama-to-be).

I also wanted to hibernate and my hubby ran interference, too. Definitely go for the Tylenol PM and take things slowly and gently. He even told family and friends not to call for a few days to give me space. That really helped. Then, it was possible to come out on my own.
Having lunch with that friend (when you're ready) will help.
It was strange for me -- I think, in part, I didn't want to talk about it at first because it made it more real, more permanent of a loss...

Finally, I am psychically going to slap your midwife with my flip-flop! She should know better!

Hugs to you, wonderful mama.
Take your time.
It will get better.







:







:







:


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## jgc920 (Jun 28, 2005)

so very sorry for your loss


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Thank you, all. Last night was rough. I am not sure if I am going to ask my husband to come home tonight or not. Probably I won't, because why should we all be miserable?

The Tylenol PM really helped. Hopefully, getting good sleep will really help. I'm just reluctant to take anything I could end up depending on.

Anyway, thank you all so much. I've had so many friends loving and praying for me through all this, and I truly do believe it's made a difference.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:

Thanks, colorclash. I've just been letting my husband run interference (wimpy, I know!) and not answering the phone.
Not wimpy. You're taking good care of yourself. That's the best thing you can do right now.








I'm so very sorry


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## JTA Mom (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Thank you, all. Last night was rough. I am not sure if I am going to ask my husband to come home tonight or not. Probably I won't, because why should we all be miserable?

Ask him to come home. You feel like you need them there, then you do. They won't be miserable, I promise. They are probably feeling really out of sorts too. It's not wrong to want to be with your family after someone passes. Just because Samuel was so little, doesn't mean his passing wasn't as big & painful as any other. So call them, they are probably wanting to be home with you too, just don't want to do anything you don't want to do.









Ami


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I felt the same way about wanting to just hibernate and not be around anyone. I will be praying for you and your family.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)




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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. Missed miscarriages are not unusual from what I understand. I had a late-term one, but early ones are more common.

If you have maybe one other friend who can run interference for you, in addition to your husband, that might be helpful. It was helpful for us.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry mama


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## crazychick (Aug 1, 2009)

I am soooo very sorry for your loss. Hang in there because it will get better and don't beat your self up for not wanting to socialize. it will come to you in due time


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi there. I'm so sorry for the loss of your boy.

I wanted to say I had a missed miscarriage too. I found out at 16 weeks that my baby had died at 8. I never even spotted and my uterus was measuring on target. I know how in hind site it might seem like you missed a bunch of signs. And for a while I too felt like my body did not m/c right. Now I think my body loved that baby so much it wouldn't let go...
I hope your getting all the support you need..


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

AM. take your time in the quiet, hold your family close when they are home, and know that we are thinking of you and Samuel.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I am so very sorry to hear this, AM. *hugs* Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Like someone else said, we always have a way to blame ourselves and our body when something like this happens. But the truth is, sometimes it just happens, through no fault of anyone. Be easy on your body while you recover.

Wanting to be alone is not uncommon. neither is wanting to be surrounded by your family. Realize that your husband and children may want to give you comfort right now, but don't want to overwhelm you.

*hugs* I am so very, very sorry. I'll be thinking of you, your family, and little Samuel Paul.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Big hugs Annette. This all hurts so badly. I'm glad that you are being taken care of. And what is up with people saying things are "for the best"?! I got that walking out of the clinic with Fiona still inside me, and a few times this time around as well. No, what would be for the best is to have our children alive, growing, living, and with us.


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## ShineliketheSon (Aug 20, 2008)

I had to post a








. I'm so sorry mama! I'm glad your sharing your story, I hope it helps you.








Samuel.


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

Just checking in on you.







Keeping you in my thoughts.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss AM.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Oh sweet mama I am so sorry


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think I was in your DDC, too.

Take your time -- I posted not too long ago about feeling like I was "wallowing" (my m/c was 3 weeks ago, at 8 weeks). I stayed in my house for about a week and let my mother and sister take care of me (DH was out of town). I think that time really helped me to process things and feel cared for (and better able to handle the "it was for the best" comments and the people who didn't say anything to me about it).


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I'm so sorry.









For Samuel


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss







s


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss of precious Samuel. My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

annettemarie,

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. You probably don't remember me, but I was also in your DDC and had a missed miscarriage. Like you, I've had exactly one other loss, my first. And like you, this one happened in pretty much exactly the same way. For me it was 8 weeks, 3 days, both times when I started bleeding. The only difference is that this baby probably didn't develop much at all beyond conception, whereas our first died at six weeks.

Like you, I felt very angry at my body for letting me go on thinking I was pregnant. Then, something shifted and I suddenly became profoundly grateful that my body did everything it could to try and sustain those babies, even after they were gone. I dont' know how to explain it. This is a little graphic, but it reminds me of when you see an animal mother trying to care for one of her infants that has died, carrying it around, grooming it. It is just so heartbreaking. That's how I felt about my body; sad that it was trying to keep things going even after the baby was gone, that it didn't know any better.

I'm just sharing this because it helped me. You have every right to be angry if you need to.

I'm praying for you and just so sorry that you are going through this.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Annette. I think that you named Samuel perfectly. I had a missed miscarriage also @ 15 weeks (baby was about 12 weeks) and so I completely understand what you are feeling right now. Let others take care of you during this time and do what you need to do to begin healing. Much love and prayers to you and your family.
















Samuel Paul


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