# So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?!



## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

My DD (7) goes to a very small private school. There are only 4 girls in her year at school. She was very upset today because we watched as the other 3 girls all left school together to go to the birthday party of one girl.

This is my DD's second year at the school. She received an invite last year (and we bought a very cool present I think lol). And the girl was invited to my DD's party. My DD isn't best friends with this girl or anything, but I've never heard of any issues/fighting/problems. She seemed very confused about why she wasn't invited. I ran into one of the other moms later and she said that only girls who were at the school for the preschool years were invited this year. ???? That is ridiculous! She confirmed there were no invitations...it was verbal. Why invite her last year but not this year?









The mom seems like a nice enough person. She has a fairly high-profile business in the area. I just can't imagine excluding ONE child in such a small class.

Honestly I am seething right now. Even if my DD said she didn't want to invite one of the girls, I would tell her too bad....it is all of them or none of them. But then again, what can I do? Nothing. I am planning my DD's party and I feel like not inviting her kid, but of course I wouldn't do that. Because it is tacky, cruel and horrible.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

That is truly awful and painful. Probably more for you than your dd. Totally crass and tasteless on that mothers part. I don't have any advice just


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm not on board with the "invite the whole class" trend in cases where there are 20+ kids in a class, but your case with just a handful of girls in the class definitely seems exclusionary -- I'm sorry she did that. I bet your DD is really upset, I would be too!


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I'm not on board with the "invite the whole class" trend in cases where there are 20+ kids in a class, but your case with just a handful of girls in the class definitely seems exclusionary -- I'm sorry she did that. I bet your DD is really upset, I would be too!


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

No, I don't believe you have an obligation to invite the whole class either if it is big. But it is such a small school and it was so obvious (they even waved to my DD as she walked by!). I can't believe an adult would want to make a 7 year old child feel bad about herself.







She asked me what was wrong with her and why she wasn't allowed to go to the party. Sigh.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Have your dd tell the other girls that it really hurt to see them leaving for a party she wasn't invited to. Nothing more than that statement of fact and then move on. If the other girls have normal empathy, it'll guarantee that they'll at least be more subtle if it ever comes up again that someone in a group isn't part of a separate activity.

And as for the other mom, what was WRONG with her?? I mean, I could see if there were a number of new girls, but leaving out the ONE new girl??

And I have to say, I know it's petty, but if it were my dd when it was her birthday I wouldn't be able to help but make a few remarks about how I made sure to include everyone.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
And I have to say, I know it's petty, but if it were my dd when it was her birthday I wouldn't be able to help but make a few remarks about how I made sure to include everyone.

LOL I have lots of petty things going on in my head right now. I will try hard not to act on any of them.







But jeez, I can't get over how ridiculous and rude that was!


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## loveandkindness (Feb 1, 2005)

That would really hurt my DD, and so it would really hurt me, too. Give your DD lots of extra hugs and attention in the next few days! We also go to a small private school, and the school rule is that no one can talk about a birthday party at school unless everyone in the class is invited. The kids all know the rule and are good about following it, so perhaps you could suggest that to the principal at your school.


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## Mom2M (Sep 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
No, I don't believe you have an obligation to invite the whole class either if it is big. But it is such a small school and it was so obvious (they even waved to my DD as she walked by!). I can't believe an adult would want to make a 7 year old child feel bad about herself.







She asked me what was wrong with her and why she wasn't allowed to go to the party. Sigh.

That is so sad







Hugs to your DD!
With a school that small, I think it is horrible that the mother allowed that. I would probably not be able to resist talking to her and just telling her straight out what your DD said.
It makes no sense at all to have invited her last year and not this year!


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

That's awful!


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

That is rotten. I'm sorry she had to deal with this.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.

I started out thinking this too. I know that spa type parties at salons often have a hard cap on numbers. It's very possible that the mom could only accommodate three kids in her car safely. That all makes sense.

However, when the OP ran into one of the moms, and the mom acknowledged the exclusion without the tiniest bit of sympathy or explanation (since I don't think "only kids who went to preschool together" is a real reason), then it really started to sound crap to me!

It's true that disappointment is a part of life. However, you'd think that these moms would be more inclined to teach their children a lesson about being kind and mindful of other people's feelings - especially considering the size of the class and the age of the kids.

Our oldest asked to invite the whole class to her sixth birthday party specifically because she didn't want anyone to be sad that they weren't invited. She took it in stride when she wasn't invited to some of the parties at school, but it was really nice to know that we were raising a child who thought about how her actions would make somebody else feel.

Everybody can't be included all the time, but that doesn't give license to be horrible to a seven year old girl for no particular reason.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

The etiquette generally is that if you want to invite _almost_ everybody, you invite everybody. If you're only inviting a smaller percentage of people, then it's no biggie.

Maybe do something special with her in lieu of her going to that party, but sadly this is just the first stop on the exclusion express.







It goes on and on through high school and beyond. All kids get excluded sometimes, though knowing that might not make your dd feel better.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
I just can't imagine excluding ONE child in such a small class.

so she invited the boys too? or are there no boys?

i am lost about this. i empathise with you OP but at 7 i see my dd becoming v. picky about whom she invites to her bday party.

its something i struggle with too. because i have been on both ends. while i encourage dd not to leave out people, i do go with whatever dd wants.

i empathise with my dd and sit and support her.

however i do not stay mad at the mom or that family. it has happened over girl scouts for us where dd was the only one not invited at one party. however that girl and dd just dont get along.


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## Gismobabe (Apr 21, 2009)

I do not know what to say but could it be she was simply forgotten when the mom did th invites? It has hapend tote best of us...
On the other hand when this happens to my daughter (more often in a class of 22) I tell her that not every houe is vey big and that when I was a child I was only allowed to invite five children. It might be that there is a rule like this.
Although I understand you are upset for your daughter's experience, our children need to learn that they are not always invited to every activity. I try to do something fun with her or invite a friend over who is not from that school.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.

Just to clarify a few points (not that it matters either way, it is over and done with)....

1) She held the party in her (very large) home. The same place it was held last year, right around the corner from the school. So it wasn't a case of not having enough room in a venue.

2) Last year the parents just drove their kids to the party and picked them up. So she didn't have to not invite one child due to lack of space in her van.

3) She didn't forget. She did it on purpose. My kid only started last year, so she didn't go there for pre-school (but the other 3 girls did). She only invited kids that went to pre-school together (even though my DD was invited to the party last year). Therefore, in a normal universe it appears she is using a stupid, flimsy excuse to exclude 1 child.

4) The boys weren't invited (there are a lot more boys in the class). Only the girls. Minus 1 girl, that is.

5) My DD and the girl get along fine. DD even saved certain silly-bands for this girl because she loves horses.

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!!







My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!!







My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

I think you need to chill out a bit. This happens EVERY year with girls - its not limited to high school, and as much as parents try, it can't be eliminated. I think your energy would be better spent empathizing with your dd about how yes it hurts, and its not fair, but she's still an awesome little girl. NOT placing blame (when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger), and getting angry about it. It happens, it will happen to your dd more than once. Should it? No. Will it? Yes. It's part of life, it sucks, but thats life.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I think you need to chill out a bit.

Yeah, I know.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
the mother could have just been the messenger

Are you serious?? At 7? You would let a *7 year old* make a cruel decision like that? Just...wow. But whatever. At least I know there are all kinds out there.

peace.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I just think that was so mean. The least the mom could've done was tell her dd not to talk about the party in front of your dd. I agree there will be times when kids exclude other kids but why is the mom not getting that it hurt your dd?? I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago. It was the episode on bullying and there was a psychologist on...Gail Saltz or something and she said how sad it was that parents aren't teaching their kids to be kind. It's like the majority only care about good grades and excelling in sports and kindness isn't important. Well, I don't buy it. It is great to try to do your best and all that but what matters most is who you are as a person. Looks like the mean girl crap is starting in first grade.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I just think that was so mean. The least the mom could've done was tell her dd not to talk about the party in front of your dd. I agree there will be times when kids exclude other kids but why is the mom not getting that it hurt your dd?? I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago. It was the episode on bullying and there was a psychologist on...Gail Saltz or something and she said how sad it was that parents aren't teaching their kids to be kind. It's like the majority only care about good grades and excelling in sports and kindness isn't important. It is great to try to do your best and all that but what matters most is who you are as a person. Looks like the mean girl crap is starting in first grade.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

That's tough, I'd be upset for my kid too. It's not the way we work, but we have to deal with the fact that not everyone does that and there might be a lesson in that for your DD. On the petty part, I'd probably make certain that her party is phenomenal though.









DS1 just had his party this weekend and invited a whole slew of kids, when I realized that something like 3 kids in his class weren't invited, I asked DS1 about it, and he immediately invited them because he didn't want anyone feeling sad about being left out. He recently wasn't invited to a birthday party that a lot of other kids were invited to (I wasn't surprised, given the parents). He thankfully rolled with it, he's 5 though and a boy.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 

Are you serious?? At 7? You would let a *7 year old* make a cruel decision like that? Just...wow. But whatever. At least I know there are all kinds out there.


Not necessarily, and I have a toddler right now - but I remember being 7 and girls already being catty towards each other (heck, they were in kindergarten too).

I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace







I guess I don't worry too much about kids self esteem b/c it doesn't come from their friends, their friends parents, or their teachers. It comes from HOME and what parents do at home with their kids. My self esteem comes mostly from my DAD believe it or not - not getting invited to the b-day party of the year back in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade isn't even something I remember now.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace







I guess I don't worry too much about kids self esteem b/c it doesn't come from their friends, their friends parents, or their teachers. It comes from HOME and what parents do at home with their kids. My self esteem comes mostly from my DAD believe it or not - not getting invited to the b-day party of the year back in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade isn't even something I remember now.

I hear you. But really, we are all different. My self esteem was severely affected by several things that happened in elementary school (I was very very shy). I don't recall feeling worthless when I was 4 or 5. It was only after dealing with cruelty and exclusions in grade 2/3 that I started viewing myself as different and "less than" other kids. So that's probably why I'm so sensitive to the entire issue. I never wanted that to happen to my child because I know how much it hurts and how damaging it is. But it is good to hear that your self esteem came mostly from home....I think we do our utmost to build good self esteem.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

The whole things sounds odd....and inconsiderate at best.

Like you said, the preschool excuse is pretty flimsy and probably not the real reason. So then, it seems likely that there is an friend issue that you might not be aware of.

Could you talk to the teacher to see if she has any insight about the situation? Not from a standpoint of indignation, but from a standpoint of "Can you help me understand why this happened how it happened?"


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace









I hear you, and normally I'm on your side of the debate when this topic comes up here at MDC. But many people who start this topic have a problem with a kid inviting only 4 of his 20 classmates and "excluding" the rest, and I think that's a silly outlook to have. But to just exclude ONE of the 4 girls in the class is more glaring and does seem unnecessary IMO. Many schools these days have a policy that says something like:

1) Don't pass out invitations at school unless all the kids in the class are invited.
2) If you invite more than half the class (or more than half of the students of your child's gender), you should invite all of them, but if you invite less than half it's okay to pick and choose.

I think those are reasonable guildelines, and they're the ones I tend to go by (mostly by making sure I invite less than half of the kids, since I have no intention of ever having a whole-class party







).


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I can't imagine how hard it would be to help a child get through something like that. Kids use their birthdays as ways to exclude and really hurt other people, or to try to get someone to be nice to them all the time. It may not have been something the mother intentionally meant to do and she may have made that excuse to try to save feelings once she realized what was going on.

Last year I let my dd pick four friends to invite for a special lunch (because I couldn't afford more than that). She chose to pick a two very close friends outside of school and two girls because they were popular while leaving her two close friends out. I was very sad when I realized this, her friends were crushed, and I am going back to inviting the class so it doesn't happen again now that I can afford to do so. The whole class never shows up anyways and there are many places that do parties cheap but fun in our town and her grandma has a big house if all else fails.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
I hear you. But really, we are all different. My self esteem was severely affected by several things that happened in elementary school (I was very very shy). I don't recall feeling worthless when I was 4 or 5. It was only after dealing with cruelty and exclusions in grade 2/3 that I started viewing myself as different and "less than" other kids. So that's probably why I'm so sensitive to the entire issue. I never wanted that to happen to my child because I know how much it hurts and how damaging it is. But it is good to hear that your self esteem came mostly from home....I think we do our utmost to build good self esteem.

I can see that. I understand that all kids are different, and their different personalities definitely need to be considered.

My parents always acted like these things were no big deal, and would say things like, "Why would you want to go to a party you weren't invited to?" It didn't make sense at the time, but it sure does now! If the host doesn't want you there, being there would just be AWFUL! Even if the mother had forced the issue, if the 7yo didn't want your dd there, it might have been an awful party for your dd.

I do think that as parents we should strive for our children to be inclusive, but I think we should also be striving to teach our children that they are perfect the way they are - and if other people don't like them its the other persons loss.


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## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

I agree w/ the OP, it's cruel. Kids start to exclude one another at a young age & form cliques, and it's the parents' responsibility to teach them how hurtful this behavior can be. Where is the empathy?


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Just to clarify a few points (not that it matters either way, it is over and done with)....

1) She held the party in her (very large) home. The same place it was held last year, right around the corner from the school. So it wasn't a case of not having enough room in a venue.

2) Last year the parents just drove their kids to the party and picked them up. So she didn't have to not invite one child due to lack of space in her van.

3) She didn't forget. She did it on purpose. My kid only started last year, so she didn't go there for pre-school (but the other 3 girls did). She only invited kids that went to pre-school together (even though my DD was invited to the party last year). Therefore, in a normal universe it appears she is using a stupid, flimsy excuse to exclude 1 child.

4) The boys weren't invited (there are a lot more boys in the class). Only the girls. Minus 1 girl, that is.

5) My DD and the girl get along fine. DD even saved certain silly-bands for this girl because she loves horses.

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!!







My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

I think that is ridiculous. I'm sure I'll get flamed, but the mother must be either super insensitive or have only air in between her ears. Who does this kind of thing? It's like a given...of course you will invite the 4th child. There isn't any excuse to exclude like that. *Especially* since she was invited last year. For pity sake, preschool? What was that, like 2 years ago for them?


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I can see that. I understand that all kids are different, and their different personalities definitely need to be considered.

My parents always acted like these things were no big deal, and would say things like, "Why would you want to go to a party you weren't invited to?" It didn't make sense at the time, but it sure does now! If the host doesn't want you there, being there would just be AWFUL! Even if the mother had forced the issue, if the 7yo didn't want your dd there, it might have been an awful party for your dd.

I do think that as parents we should strive for our children to be inclusive, but I think we should also be striving to teach our children that they are perfect the way they are - and if other people don't like them its the other persons loss.

I don't think it's a matter of really wanting to be at a party she was invited to. It's more about how it feels to know you were not invited and everyone else was.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.









Ditto.

I'm sure the mom and girl had some reason for doing it but it still has to hurt.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Have you contacted the school? Most schools have policies in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

The problem, IMHO, isn't that there was a party that she wasn't invited to. It's HOW it was done. And it's important to make sure that this doesn't repeat for other kids parties or every year. It's really unacceptable.

Talk to the school!!!!!


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I truly hope I only ever have boys.

Contact the school? To make an example out of the children? So that the OP's dd is never invited to anything? Don't think the kids won't know whats going on if they get tattled on.

I don't do drama, so its a good thing I have a son and not a daughter.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I truly hope I only ever have boys.

Contact the school? To make an example out of the children? So that the OP's dd is never invited to anything? Don't think the kids won't know whats going on if they get tattled on.

I don't do drama, so its a good thing I have a son and not a daughter.

I agree about the contacting the school thing. I guess I could see calling them (or looking in the handbook) to see if they have a policy on this sort of thing, but not to try to somehow get the birthday girl and her mother in trouble -- that seems like an extreme reaction.

That said, I don't agree that drama only occurs with daughters -- I've been astounded to overhear some of the ridiculous drama on the sidelines at my DS's soccer games. Some parents are just nuts.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.



















The mom sounds elitist and stuck up to me...from the sounds of it maybe your family doesn't have enough social standing or a large enough income in her eyes







I've been around people like that, it's beyond awful.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

OP i will have to agree that your emotions for me are a little out of place.

i can totally understand how hurt your little girl was. i can understand esp. coming from the history of your childhood.

but i have noticed - having a super sensitive child myself - what truly matters is how we as moms support our children.

life is cruel. children are cruel without knowing it. they do cruel things.

however this is not about oh how dare they leave your dd out. it is about how to support your dd who is so deeply hurt. it has nothing to do with the other parent or the child.

this can happen again. very simply. your dd might want to join in someone's play at recess and they may refuse to let dd play.

the point here is helping your dd with her feeling of rejection. to help her see it as 'not a big deal'. not by denying the truth but by sitting with her and empathising with her feelings.

yes life sucks. you sit and cry and vent out your deep hurt and then move on. by helping your dd by dealing with her feelings, you help and guide her to handle such things as she grows up.

i strongly believe our non verbal communication is where the majority of our communication lies. so i would let that anger towards the mom go. it really isnt that important. the point is not that. the longer you hold on to how unfair life is, even though you dont show that side to your dd, she will see it through your body language.

instead focus completely in your child. her feelings.

i am a single mom. my dd has had to deal with far more things thankfully many children have not had to deal with. she learnt very early on that life sucks. but sitting with her and doing greiving circles has helped her understand that life is what you make it. it has taken everything in me to control my own emotions and just focus on my dd's hurt feelings. but we've gone in depth about how dd feels. how hurt she is. and just that airing out the hurt feelings takes the sting out of it and its not something dd holds onto forever. YOU are key here. you help her vent, have a good cry. its a great gift to reduce the power other people have over you and your child.

the non invitation is just a story. what matters are your dd's feelings. the story will change but the hurt remains.

so leaving your dd out to me is not that big a deal. if anything its a great opportunity to learn and discover.


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes. Unless you see a child's self esteem shatter which could in turn lead to a life of depression and eventual suicide is not a fun thing. I remember being suicidal at 7 and the kid's at school were definately a part of that feeling. How cruel to tell someone to get over it.

There is scientific studies that prove bullying does NOT build your esteem nor does it make you "toughen" up.. that it actually affects you for the rest of your life and in bad ways.. not good.

That scenerio was simply cruel!

On top of that, the "flimsy excuse" makes it even worse. That's not even a flimsy excuse. That's an outright lie but by technicality. It's like they sat around thinking of some BS they could say to you when obviously you would comment on their cruelty. It's like pouring salt on a wound. Definately not an excuse AT ALL!

I'm not as good of a person as you. I would be very tempted to find mom on FB and send a curt email saying thank you for inviting all the girls in the class to the party but mine. I spent the evening answering questions like what's wrong with me and why am I hated by a tiny innocent 7 year old. Things I will need to keep answering for months until she finally gets over it, wiping away tears of destress and depression. Thanks so much for your insensitivities.


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## rainbringer (Dec 2, 2007)

I would be very upset if this happened to my dd.

Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out, sounds terrible to face every day.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger

I like to think that at 7, if a person seems nice, and plays nice, and acts like they like you--they actually like you. I'd hope that a 7 year old would still have the basic honesty to say "when you do xyz, it makes me mad" and they decency to accept "I'm sorry, I won't do xyz." or "I have to do xyz, but if I did xyz this other way, would that be okay."

Being passive aggressive and playing oh-so-nice at school and then cheerfully waving good bye to the girl she told her mom not to invite?? If that seriously was what happened? I'd leave the school and never go near there for fear of screaming at a child. And I certainly wouldn't want my kid anywhere near that child for fear of the child becoming worse and worse with age.

And as a mother, if my kid decided she didn't want to invite a kid who'd been to the party the previous year, I'd find out why, and I'd do what I could to help her work out the issue.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

As for excluding the boys, I personally think it is FAR more cruel to exclude one girl of 4 girls than 5 boys of 9 kids. (OP said there were more boys than girls, so there have to be at least 5 boys.) Especially if none of the girls had gone to a boy's birthday party the previous year.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbringer* 
I would be very upset if this happened to my dd.

Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out, sounds terrible to face every day.

See that's where I'm thinking the girl had nothing to do with it. I know I said earlier that the OP's dd should tell the girl she was hurt, but that was so the girl would make sure to raise a fuss if her mom tried to pull a similar stunt in future.

I don't think that kind of thing could be happening at the school without the OP knowing about it, since she knew how the girls left for the party. Clearly her dd is sharing plenty of information about her days and doesn't have problems telling her mom about stuff that upsets her.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

I think it is crass. I could be way off, but an idea - does the mother have some issue with you, and is being a little passive-agressive and taking it out on your DD? Or is it the child that decided not to invite your DD, and her mother just went along with it, not caring how hurtful that was? In either case, then I'd avoid the person like the plague. No one needs that kind of unhealthy nonsense in their life.

I can't imagine that this mother could just forget 1 child, out of 4. Or just not think it mattered. That just doesn't seem plausible in my mind. A class of 12 or 15 or 20 and you forget someone, yea, I can see that. But 4? No way.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

rainbringer;16010573Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out said:


> Exactly. It's part of the reason that you need to talk to the school.
> 
> (and this isn't just a girl issue -- boys do the same sorts of things, just in slightly different ways)


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babygirlie* 
I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... *Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes.* Unless you see a child's self esteem shatter which could in turn lead to a life of depression and eventual suicide is not a fun thing. I remember being suicidal at 7 and the kid's at school were definately a part of that feeling. How cruel to tell someone to get over it.


I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.


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## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

OP, I agree with you. It was totally wrong for your daughter not to be invited to the birthday party. Sorry she had to go through that.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's?

No, because being one of well over a 1000 women who aren't part of a group that spends a great deal of time together over the course of four years isn't the same as being 1 of 4 girls excluded from maybe 5 hours out of one day.

(It's also not like all the women of one dorm will form a sorority and exclude 1 person. Heck, they wouldn't even through a party in the next dorm over and deliberately avoid mentioning it to one person--unless things were already so strained that the person knew that the whole dorm was upset. The person probably would've already been told off by an RA or three.)

My kid wants to exclude one kid from her party--and it is just one kid, the kid who had been to the party last year--it means she either has a reason that's worth working on fixing, or she can get over it.

ETA: Seriously, someone called uni to get their kid in a sorority? O. M. G. They needed a life.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 

ETA: Seriously, someone called uni to get their kid in a sorority? O. M. G. They needed a life.

Yes, they did need a life, and their dd REALLY needed to grow up.


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## red and lulu (Oct 6, 2009)

Exclusion hurts, and for it to be happening so blatantly at such a young age is sad. If it were my daughter I'd be upset, too. OP, I'm sorry your daughter had this happen to her, and I hope she comes through the experience with her head up.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.

I'm sure her mother is doing just that. She's on here to vent because it is hurtful to watch her child be hurt because she was excluded. I'm sure her mother is saying and doing all the things she needs to do to build her self-esteem and to be secure. It doesn't mean it hurts any less.
As far as contacting the school or the other mother, I think she definitely should. At 7yo it's a big deal and not something I would let slide as there seems there must be something bigger going on. It's not the same as if the child were 13. She's in first grade. 3 of the 4 girls in her class were invited to a party. She was blatantly excluded for a reason.


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## MamaHappy (Dec 5, 2009)

It is one thing for a 7 year old to exclude someone, but I am appalled that the mother would allow this behavior. Wow....just wow. I totally feel your pain OP. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.

This is a seven year old child. I think it is easy to assume that seven is old enough to deal with these things on your own when your child isn't anywhere near that age yet or has gone so far past that age that you really can't remember them being anything but confident, but they really aren't that mature and capable of dealing with these types of problems without a lot of devastation. It is earth shattering to be excluded at this age and if there is a pattern of it, especially in a school where there aren't a lot of choices for avoiding it, it can have very negative life long effects. Children do get to a point where they need to just deal with things without a parent calling the school, but seven isn't that point.

OP I think you should call the teacher and ask if she can give you more insight into the how the girls interact. Tell her what happened and that you are worried that it is part of a bigger pattern of exclusion. Sometimes kids put up with a lot of meanness because they really don't want to be the only one without a friend. My dd did this with the girl who lives around the corner from us and she didn't really start talking about it until she stopped going to the same school and found some friends who actually treat her nicely.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
I'd hope that a 7 year old would still have the basic honesty to say "when you do xyz, it makes me mad" and they decency to accept "I'm sorry, I won't do xyz." or "I have to do xyz, but if I did xyz this other way, would that be okay."

I think this is oversimplifying the friendship dynamics of kids. Many 7 yo children will not have the maturity to understand exactly what makes them mad, how to fix it, and how to communicate it. Hurt feelings, competition, jealousy, etc can all come into play and make things hard for young kids to be this clear and effective.

I don't think the OP should turn to the school to "fix" the situation. I think she should turn to the school (the teacher) for better understanding of the real reason her dd was not invited.


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## Three~Little~Birds (Jan 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
This is a seven year old child. I think it is easy to assume that seven is old enough to deal with these things on your own when your child isn't anywhere near that age yet or has gone so far past that age that you really can't remember them being anything but confident, but they really aren't that mature and capable of dealing with these types of problems without a lot of devastation. It is earth shattering to be excluded at this age and if there is a pattern of it, especially in a school where there aren't a lot of choices for avoiding it, it can have very negative life long effects. Children do get to a point where they need to just deal with things without a parent calling the school, but seven isn't that point.

OP I think you should call the teacher and ask if she can give you more insight into the how the girls interact. Tell her what happened and that you are worried that it is part of a bigger pattern of exclusion. Sometimes kids put up with a lot of meanness because they really don't want to be the only one without a friend.

I agree with all of this. I would definitely be interested in knowing what the teacher(s) think the dynamics were at recess, too. Hopefully there isn't any bullying going on - but there might be.

Discussions with the school do not preclude the OP helping and supporting her DD deal with this in a positive manner - to suggest that is ridiculous.

OP - I am sorry that you and your DD have to deal with this. Nothing hurts more than watching your child hurt.


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

I was TEN when I was completely iced out by my only friends. I didn't know how to express it to my mom. Thankfully I had an awesome teacher who stepped in and said this wasn't right at ALL because we were so close all of a few days ago. She made the four of us see... it must have been a counselor... to work out our problems.

even at ten I would have been devistated to be the ONLY person left out and very confused when I wasn't left out the year before.

In the OP's situation, I could MAYBE understand if the daughter hadn't been invited the year before either, but she WAS invited and now she isn't. only four girls at a large house around the corner and she was invited before.... I feel like something else is going on and I agree that the OP should call the school to find out if her daughter maybe hasn't figured out how to explain that these girls aren't very good friends and something hurtful is going on and has been going on.

I wouldn't say it is the school's responsibility to deal with party invitations, but certainly the teacher can give insight so the OP has a better understanding of why only one girl of only four girls wasn't invited when she was invited before.

I think that is the key, she was invited before. Why not this year? why now to do the preschool only thing? Were they spending the whole party reminiscing about preschool and watching videos and looking at photos of it? It is unusual when this wasn't an issue the year prior. Especially when the mom doesn't seem to care at ALL that ONLY one girl was left out... and KNOWS she was left out.


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## Mom2M (Sep 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
I agree w/ the OP, it's cruel. Kids start to exclude one another at a young age & form cliques, and it's the parents' responsibility to teach them how hurtful this behavior can be. Where is the empathy?

Exactly. This is what's wrong, parents are supposed to set the example and teach kindness. There is no reason for 7 year old girls to learn how to be nasty and exclude others, this is the age to teach them to be aware of others and their feelings and how their actions affect others.

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean it is right and should be left unchanged.


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## 3xMama (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm totally appalled at the situation. The excuse of only inviting the girls who "went to preschool together" is really freaking lame, especially since that was two years ago which is a big chunk of time to a seven year old. Kids live very much in the present, they don't need to have a preschool reunion, kwim?!

I do agree with checking in with the teacher to make sure that this isn't a bigger issue. Whereas I'd like to think kids that age aren't deliberately mean, I also know they can be. At a young age (4 or 5), I was taunted by our next door neighbors granddaughter that she would have a friend over, but *I* couldn't go over because she didn't like me. She'd yell this at me in the yard and then turn around and ask to come over to my house cuz she liked me--then play with my toys and ignore me. So yes, I think kids at that age and younger can be mean to each other. Its also very possible that they are just emulating the behavior they see from their parents.

That being said, I certainly hope it isn't catty meanness on the part of the other girls in your dd's class. Its possible that it is the parents (or the mother, who sounds like a real piece of work) don't think your dd is good enough to be with their kid. Maybe they think your social levels are too far apart-that's what I really get from it. I kinda feel like the mother is looking down her nose at you from atop her high horse giving you an obvious lie.

Whatever the cause, I think it would be a good idea to see what's going on in during a typical day at school and then plan your course of action-if one is needed at all. Hopefully, this is just a blip on the timeline and everyone is actually getting along well. No matter what, with extra love and support, your dd will get past it. Hugs to you both!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Going to the school won't teach your dd anything.

My kids are 12 and 14 and have attended both public and private school. The schools they've attended all have policies in place to prevent exactly this sort of thing because it is considered unacceptable behavior.

At the schools my kids have attended, the teachers would WANT to know what was going on.

You are right that how the mom deals with this with her DD is VERY important, and that there are lessons for her to learn. None the less, I still think that parent should talk to the teacher.


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I think you need to chill out a bit. This happens EVERY year with girls - its not limited to high school, and as much as parents try, it can't be eliminated. I think your energy would be better spent empathizing with your dd about how yes it hurts, and its not fair, but she's still an awesome little girl. NOT placing blame (when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger), and getting angry about it. It happens, it will happen to your dd more than once. Should it? No. Will it? Yes. It's part of life, it sucks, but thats life.

Just my $0.02, but I think this statement is out of line.

I do not think it is okay to exclude one girl in four. I do not think that exclusion is a "necessary life lesson". This is the road to bullying. When I was growing up, this would be more of middle-school behavior. I am VERY disturbed to see bullying behavior start younger and younger. Namecalling in DS' preschool. Exclusion in this elementary school. We need to teach our children better.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

IMO whatever the reason was, it was mean and it stinks.









I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place _at_ school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Putting my daughter in school is going to break my heart. She is that kid who loves and wants to be friends with everyone. Everyone gets left out eventually and it HURTS, I don't have any idea how to protect her from that - but I can certainly set an example and enforce the rule that we don't do that to other people.

OP, I'm so sorry. This is something that would upset me, too. It's not like there's anything you can do about it other than be hurt for your daughter and that's the frustrating part. You can't MAKE kids be friends or make parents instill basic kindness in their kids.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I empathized up thread--I don't think it's right. But if you're looking for some ideas on how to handle, the more I read the more I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class? (Other than formal bday parties last year) Have you invited them to your home for playdates or been to theirs or done any outside of school activities with the other kids/families? Perhaps it's time to help your daughter make friends by inviting them over one by one and deepening her friendships?


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place at school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.
YES!

while this is sad- I wonder how the school will take it given it did not take place in school?

How much do you expect or what is expected from the school regarding forcing a parent (for what ever reason) to include all?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.

No, we aren't saying go to the school to resolve the issue. We're saying go to the school to see if you can better _understand_ the issue.

The relationship between the op's dd and the birthday girl primarily exists at school. Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?

The girls themselves?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
The girls themselves?

At our school, the teacher would discuss the friendship issue with the girls. Our teachers, at least, are experienced and skilled in exploring this kind of issue sensitively--far more experienced and skilled than the girls themselves.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babygirlie* 
I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes.

Um....yes, my thoughts exactly. As someone who was bullied for being really shy (and the youngest in my class) in grades 2 - 5, I have to say this way of thinking totally reminds me of the bully's moms.







And yes, being bullied definitely affected my self-esteem. For years.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
I think it is crass. I could be way off, but an idea - does the mother have some issue with you, and is being a little passive-agressive and taking it out on your DD?

She couldn't possibly have any issue with me....she doesn't even know me. We only started at the school last year. But she invited my DD last year (and like I mentioned, the party went well and we sent a very nice gift). And her DD was invited to my DD's party (but they were going to be on vacation so her mom RSVP'd no). As for social standing, we definitely are way below them, but they don't know that...they've never been to our house.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3xMama* 
I do agree with checking in with the teacher to make sure that this isn't a bigger issue. Whereas I'd like to think kids that age aren't deliberately mean, I also know they can be.

I know they can be too. It is a really small school, so there aren't a lot of friendship choices. But overall, I don't think the girls are the kindest. Of course I'm not always there, but I have to say that in settings when I am observing, I definitely see a bit of an exclusionary attitude at times. My DD happens to be very shy in a group (I guess she got it from me







) and if someone has a stronger/more aggressive personality they can run right over her.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class?

Out of the other girls, she has one "best friend" and we have had several playdates with her. I tried to set up a playdate with another girl but it didn't happen. But we have decided to try to foster more of a relationship with the other girls as well.









I will speak with the school from the standpoint of a check-in just to see how the group dynamic is day-to-day. I will not be confronting the other mom. I don't feel like creating a "thing" with her. Her DD will be invited to my DD's birthday party this year again. Hopefully this will not happen again.

Thanks so much for all the replies.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

It involves the school because of the way it was handled. Leaving directly from the school together makes it a school issue as well. It was very "in your face."

Had everything about the party happened outside of school, you would be right.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

So it's okay to exclude all the boys?


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
So it's okay to exclude all the boys?

Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

I stopped letting the kids go to birthday parties last year.The expense got to be to much.And declining only some invites led to hurt feelings.We do however still get invites every year,and usually it is not an issue for my kids.One birthday however the parent picked up the kids at school,and that upset my ds seeing them all excited going together.So I can only imagine how hard it must have been for your dd to see the other girls,and worse to know she was not invited.

I would let it go.Talk of the party should fade quickly among the girls.The bigger issue will be if this type of exclusion will continue not just with this girl,but will the others start excluding her too. I would worry about the daily interaction at the school.The excluding mom is teaching her dd it is OK to leave out one girl,so what if she starts doing this every day???

Emotional bullying is sometimes more painful than the physical bullying,and females are soooooo good at getting away with the emtional bullying.

All you can really do is keep treating others and their children with respect,and hope they will do the same.Avoid negative people when you can. I have dealt with both emotional bullies and physical ones in regards to my kids.Anti-bullying policies are a joke,because if the bullies parents are ok with it then it will not change.And schools really don't want to deal with social interaction issues.

Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.

I don't know about the school pick up issue.We get invited usually via the mail.If the school pick ups were to happen more often I might ask the adm. to request parents not pick up party kids during drop off.Not sure if they would do it,but it sure makes it hard on the kids not going to a party!

Hope it all passes soon and things resume to normal though I know you probably won't forget what was done.It has been 3 years and I still remember every detail of what my kids went through!

Best wishes!


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.

Weird it's different here, at that age the parties include both boys and girls but I am sure the boys would not appreciate princess themes! LOL


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mattemma04* 

Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.


I don't know how to quote multiple people so I will paraphrase the other poster who said they were mean because of their "large incomes".

I don't see how either of these things can be gleaned from this story...

Having said that, OP I am so sorry this happened for you dd. I know her life isn't ruined and she'll have other good times, but it stings so badly. At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom2M* 
Exactly. This is what's wrong, parents are supposed to set the example and teach kindness. There is no reason for 7 year old girls to learn how to be nasty and exclude others, this is the age to teach them to be aware of others and their feelings and how their actions affect others.

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean it is right and should be left unchanged.

Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.

And no I wasn't the bully I was the bullied AND I survived not being invited to parties too. Sometimes I think it is a much bigger deal for the Mommies than it is for the kids.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

Just horrible. I'm so sorry.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so.

Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

_*"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."*_

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught!







In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.

Well I can understand how it would sound like maybe she is a trouble maker. But she isn't. And definitely in no way a bully. If anything though (when observing at the school) I would say the dynamic is there are 2 girls (one of who is the birthday girl) who have strong personalities and could be described as "bossy". She does make up games that can only have a few players which leaves my DD out since she tends to be the shyest. But I don't notice anything beyond that, and my DD never says anything to me about any type of issues. In fact, the only time DD even mentions this girl is in terms of saving this sillyband for her because she loves that animal, or "hey, ____ has that book too!". I don't get it.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

It really does seem like an odd thing to do...


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## firefrenzy (Sep 9, 2010)

forgive me, I'm a newbie, but I do have a question. Have you talked to the bday girl's actual mom? or just to another mom? The excuse given was just plain stupid and I wouldn't assume that the other mom knew what she was talking about.

I'm so sorry that this happened to your daughter. I remember being excluded a lot in school. Here is something you may want to explore, I remember in 1st and 2nd grade, the girl I called my best friend would come up to me at recess and tell me she wasn't my friend anymore just to see me cry. I still talked about her like she was the bestest friend ever and would save special things for her. I also didn't tell anyone what was going on. (we worked through our issues and are still good friends today) Maybe the teacher could shed some light on some classroom dynamics that could be playing into this?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Do the other moms seem to have established relationships with each other?

Considering that you don't know the bday girl's mom, and the invites were verbal, I wonder if she just failed to consider the "classmate" dynamic of this party. She invited the daughters of her friends' kids, without considering that amounted to 3 of 4 girls in the class. Who knows, maybe she, too, is shy, and she feels uncomfortable reaching out to you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

That's awful









But, if no one RSVP'd, why not call a few days ahead and check if they were planning to attend? Did you have your ds ask his friends if they were coming?


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....
but there is no saying the OP would get the _real_ answer even if she spoke to the mother

in our area, just because you pick up at the school does not really mean this is a school issue, many people pick up at the school but would not mean the school should be involved with this

the teacher may know why she wasn't asked and there could be issues the mom does not know about going on with the girls-again, how would you force a school to be involved and make a child be invited?


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Just horrible. I'm so sorry.









Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

_*"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."*_

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught!







In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.

Thank you for this, I couldn't agree more. I also recommend the book "You can't say you can't play," and this post http://marthabrockenbrough.squarespa...-our-kids.html
Here is one quote from it:

Quote:

But for crying out loud, don't make it seem like rejecting another child's friendly overtures is some sort of noble or enlightened choice. It's not. It's mean and selfish. Unless there are safety issues, it's a way to send a message to your child that you don't have to care about anyone unless it's an easy thing for you to do.

Loving other people isn't always easy. But if we don't teach our kids how to love--or at least respect--their fellow human beings when they are small, they will never learn this.


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## brackin (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
Have you contacted the school? Most schools have policies in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

The problem, IMHO, isn't that there was a party that she wasn't invited to. It's HOW it was done. And it's important to make sure that this doesn't repeat for other kids parties or every year. It's really unacceptable.

Talk to the school!!!!!

I agree here, but I'd talk to the teacher, actually. As a pp said, ask if s(he) has any idea why this happened and if your DD is being included while at school. Most schools do have rules meant to discourage this type of exclusionary behavior.

I think that was an awful thing to do to a little girl.

I also have a huge problem with how it was done. Why did they all have to leave school together, in front of your daughter? Ridiculous.


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.








So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if.







I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.

This situation points to the possibility of some deeper exclusion going on which can be bullying and that is the responsibility of the school. The schools my dd has attended and that I have worked in have wanted to know about things like this so they can look for, redirect, and prevent as much as possible because they can get in a lot of trouble with the district and with lawsuits. They also like to step in and redirect to more appropriate interactions before a cycle/bullying occurs. It is not something that can be dealt with at home if it mostly happens at school and kids aren't always accurate about the friendship because they really want friends or they are the ones doing it and they don't see anything wrong with doing these things.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.








So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if.







I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.

Wow. I don't even know what to say. I just can't believe this.


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

EarthMamaToBe said:


> Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
We always invite the whole class....even though DS said no goat chewer he had to invite him anyway, and lo and behold, they really hit it off at the party over a box of army men. They now have a good friendship that they probably wouldn't have had if I had of listened to my 7 y/o and NOT invited him.


Obviously you are a kind, thinking, reasonable adult and you are teaching your child well.







: blowkiss Not sure why everyone can't act this way, but such is life.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I was bullied as a child. I was excluded from parties. Through high school. Dd (8) gets excluded from parties. (She is not bullied.) She is in a private school with only 5 girls in HER class. I'm aware, first-hand, of the dynamics that are involved here.

I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

See, I think that parenting a child is teaching them that they are not ENTITLED to be invited just because they happen to be in the same school room as another child.









It's O.K. to exclude the boys, but not the one girl that for *whatever* reason, they didn't want to be there? Why is one any worse than the other? It's O.K. to exclude because they have a penis, but not if they're just not wanted there.









I'm sorry, but I just think that being included is a privilege and being excluded is the norm. It's life. At 7 or at 70. And I absolutely do not think this is a "mean girls" syndrome or queen bee issue. It was probably either an oversight or the little girl just didn't want the OP's dd or the OP herself at the party. It is their prerogative. There is no way I'd want to be invited to something just so I'm not the only one excluded (or dd for that matter). You should want people to invite you because they truly want you there. If they're doing it out of pity, what kind of invite is that, in the end???? How would you feel if you found out after the fact that they didn't really want you there, but invited you anyway? IMO, that would be worse.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

*This situation points to the possibility of some deeper exclusion going on which can be bullying and that is the responsibility of the school.* The schools my dd has attended and that I have worked in have wanted to know about things like this so they can look for, redirect, and prevent as much as possible because they can get in a lot of trouble with the district and with lawsuits. They also like to step in and redirect to more appropriate interactions before a cycle/bullying occurs.

bolding- really? do you know for sure-none one her really does
is a school forced to make a parent have a "bully" (what ever child it is) come to a party or prevent the "bully" from having a party outside of school?

and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

if the school is so small, go to the teacher-question the teacher to see if there really is another issue here or not instead of jumping to conclusions

Quote:

I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.
-wondering the same???


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
thday girl) who have strong personalities and could be described as "bossy". She does make up games that can only have a few players which leaves my DD out since she tends to be the shyest.

Um ,that would actually be a huge problem if she's doing that every day. I certainly hope the teacher mentions it to you when you ask about dynamics problems and outlines what she'll be doing to stop that. If she can invent games for 3 people, she can invent games for 4 people. (And 5 and 6 and 7 when/if boys want to play too.)


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.








So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if.







I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.

I know it's harder to think in the moment, but as someone who is looking at the situation from the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I wish you you had gone up and knocked on the door and taken your dd and the present away. (And bought a little cake or balloons or whatever your kids like about birthday parties.







)

"I'm sorry dd, you can't stay at this party because I can't trust Kid's Mommy"


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
It's O.K. to exclude the boys, but not the one girl that for *whatever* reason, they didn't want to be there? Why is one any worse than the other? It's O.K. to exclude because they have a penis, but not if they're just not wanted there.









See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks!














Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

Parents should validate their child's feelings, but they might also want to teach their kids to be mindful and aware others.

Yes, you have feelings, but other people have feelings too.

I hope to teach our kids to consider their wants and needs within the context of what other people want and need.

All kids can't be included in all things. That doesn't mean kids can't learn sensitivity and tact.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks!














Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.









But now you're generalizing the boys by making blanket statements about them. My little brother got invited to EVERYONE's bday party when he was a kid - even the girl parties (yes, even an all girl slumber party, it is a little ridiculous how charming he is) - and LOVED to have tea parties with them b/c he just loves to be around people (girls in particular, not really sure why).

If we're going to teach children not to exclude others, lets at least try to teach them that people, girls AND boys, are individuals and should not be defined by their gender.

ETA - I also don't like how some sarcasm is coming through in your posts. If you can't post sincerely, can you please just not post? When you post on a web-board, you get a lot of different perspectives, and saying that we're from different universes is kinda rude.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Out of the other girls, she has one "best friend" and we have had several playdates with her. I tried to set up a playdate with another girl but it didn't happen. But we have decided to try to foster more of a relationship with the other girls as well.










I will speak with the school from the standpoint of a check-in just to see how the group dynamic is day-to-day. I will not be confronting the other mom. I don't feel like creating a "thing" with her. Her DD will be invited to my DD's birthday party this year again. Hopefully this will not happen again.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

You sound really level-headed.

I think it was mean and wrong for this party to go down the way it did, but I do think going forward strengthening relationships is a good approach.

I also think that sometimes when our kids are hurt and it is unfair the best we can do is teach them how to deal with hurtful, unfair situations with grace. Good for you.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. ... So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts.











unbelievable!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
... how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

I'll bite. I've said over and over to talk to the school.









Last year, my DD didn't invite her entire class, or even all the girls, to her birthday party.

We didn't hand out invitations at school, and the parents had to drive their kids to my house. How hard is that? Pretty basic, pretty simple. It's just polite (it's also the policy of the public school where she going).

People can make their guest list however they choose. *Most* schools work to avoid exclusionary behavior. Both statements are completely true.

As far as the only boys/only girls thing, most kids learn about this very young, and it was hard on one of my kids when she realized that one of her best friends wasn't inviting her because of her gender, but it's SO common that kids get over it pretty quick. It's not personal. Being the only of your gender left out is different because it IS personal.

None the less, the rules at the schools my kids have attended are exactly the same without regard to gender. In elementary school, if you aren't inviting the whole darn class, no invitations are passed out at school.

This is pretty much an elementary school issue, so concerns that it will carry over to college are bogus. Once kids start changing classes for each subject, the dynamic is totally different.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

It is pretty simple, really. "You don't have to be best friends, but you do have to be kind. Inviting all but one girl is unkind and unacceptable. How would you like to handle it? Would you like to invite all the girls? Would you rather choose just one classmate and do something special rather than having a party with all the girls? Do you have a different idea that would work?"

It is teaching kindness. If they really don't want to spend their birthday with that child, there are ways around it. But inviting everyone except that child is not an option I'd allow my child.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *serenbat* 
and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

From the time I was a child, it has been generally accepted in the places I live that it is ok to have "girls only" or "boys only" parties. So the boys complaining is not a realistic possibility, ime.

No one is talking about having the school force the issue. It helps for the school to have a guideline/recommendation, but it is, of course, up to the individual parents to support it.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
ETA - I also don't like how some sarcasm is coming through in your posts. If you can't post sincerely, can you please just not post? When you post on a web-board, you get a lot of different perspectives, and saying that we're from different universes is kinda rude.

Yes I suppose I am being somewhat sarcastic. I guess that is my way of dealing with what I find impossible to understand. Sorry. By saying we are from different universes I meant different areas. Here, there is just no way that boys not being invited to a party is a problem. It is simply a non-issue. Nobody takes offense. Everyone does it. It is not the same at all _in my area_ as leaving out one girl. So to bring it up is really just muddying the waters because I'm sure there wasn't one boy that felt left out. The girls don't get invited to the boy's parties either (and I know my DD doesn't care or feel left out).

Also, I just wanted to add that I am being sincere. I am sincerely glad to have the opportunity to see what people think. Because for the life of me I cannot understand/fathom how any thinking/caring/kind person could do such a thing. So to hear from people who obviously seem to think it is ok is enlightening. Not that I agree with that way of thinking. But enlightening nonetheless.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.









But OP, I think that's exactly the attitude Velochic was talking about. What if it was a Hannah Montana party, and at some point your DD said she wasn't into Hannah Montana? So the birthday girl said "So and So doesn't like Hannah Montana, she won't care if she's invited or not..."

I understand that it's a small class and the girls are all the same sex, but that doesn't automatically make them a group with common interests--or actually friends. I feel that either you can't pick and choose boys or girls or this one not that one...or you do choose and peoples feelings are understandably hurt.

I can hear that you are hurting for your daughter--but rather than MAXIMIZE the situation with these terrible bully girls and their horrible mothers who have purposely excluded DD--why not minimize it? Your daughter is one of the _majority_ of the class who was not invited. It might not feel like that because of her sex, but it is true.

Anyway, I hope your DD makes some true friends this year and is able to move past this with the resilience of youth.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
But OP, I think that's exactly the attitude Velochic was talking about. What if it was a Hannah Montana party, and at some point your DD said she wasn't into Hannah Montana? So the birthday girl said "So and So doesn't like Hannah Montana, she won't care if she's invited or not..."

They are 7, not 12. If my kid said that, then I would say: "Okay, let's just invite her anyway and let her know the theme. Then she can decide if she wants to come". Maybe other people have 7 year olds that are way more mature than mine/these children at her school. But they are still little kids here and need their parents to help them make appropriate choices!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
I can hear that you are hurting for your daughter--but rather than MAXIMIZE the situation with these terrible bully girls and their horrible mothers who have purposely excluded DD--why not minimize it?

Just to be clear, I am only venting/hurting HERE in this message board. My DD has no idea (and yes, trust me on that....she doesn't know how I feel). I totally minimized the whole thing and took her out for a fun evening. I'm not maximizing anything in real life with the "horrible mother"....I haven't done anything/said anything. I'm not stalking her or emailing her or phoning her. Like I've already said, I will speak to the school low-key at some point just to get a better idea of the group dynamic and to make sure there are no issues. And her DD will still be invited to DD's party, just like last year.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
That's awful









But, if no one RSVP'd, why not call a few days ahead and check if they were planning to attend? Did you have your ds ask his friends if they were coming?

I had a new baby at the time. His party was on his birthday which is New Years Day. He hadn't been to school for two weeks when it happened. I think most invitations got left in backpacks. I didn't have their phone numbers. We aren't going to try to celebrate on his birthday this year. We took a chance last year and it made him suffer.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 

It is teaching kindness. *If they really don't want to spend their birthday with that child, there are ways around it.* But inviting everyone except that child is not an option I'd allow my child.

.

All of this....I think this sums up the whole point.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?

Did you mean this for the OP? I thought that her plan sounded really sensible.


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## bea694 (May 20, 2006)

OP, I'm sorry your daughter was excluded in this manner, especially at such a tender age. This sort of thing really makes me dread sending my children to school.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.









Mama. I felt an immediate ache in the pit of my stomach when I read this. I'm so sorry you and your son had to go through this.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
Did you mean this for the OP? I thought that her plan sounded really sensible.

I did . But, that's true that she now has a plan. Maybe the posts helped with the plan. Hope so!


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?









Yep, I know! Yes, I am worked up on here. Not outwardly in real life. I take her to school, I smile, I act like nothing happened. Because really, I have no idea what to do/say. I am just trying to formulate a plan so it doesn't happen again. I don't want to start a "thing" with the other mother or anything like that. It is a small school.

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing







) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.

ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks!














Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.










I guess we are from different universes. Because while we would not exclude one child or have a party that even touched any aspect of school (leaving from there or inviting there or discussing it there), I also don't live life expecting my dd or myself to be included, even if "everyone else" is. And when it does happen that we're excluded, we learn to live with it and deal with it and not take it personally.

And in my universe, if your child doesn't want someone at their party and you insist, then you might as well tell them that they can't have a tea party and make bracelets because it wouldn't include the boys because that is being too insensitive to the boys.







.

Around here, you don't get excluded or included just because you happen to be a different sex. People don't want their kids being raised with gender bias, but it doesn't get more gender biased that that, for sure!!

I'm not saying the situation was properly handled by the other mother, but at the root of it, I don't see the actual exclusion as a heinous crime. It's no different than excluding 4 other girls in a class if there were 12.

ETA: FTR, almost this exact thing happened to dd last year for a friend's b-day party. Dd always said this little girl was her "best friend". But the other little girl felt that others in the class were HER best friends and dd was not invited to her very fun night on the town with horse-drawn carriage. I didn't feel that dd was done wrong. I helped her understand the dynamics of friendships. She an the girl are *still* great friends and we'll see if they are good enough friends for dd to get invited this year.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol *And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing







) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.*

Then maybe you need to find a way to separate your emotions out, so that you don't feel that way. You can't very well teach your dd how to deal with disappointment if you don't know how to deal with it yourself, yk?


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Then maybe you need to find a way to separate your emotions out, so that you don't feel that way. You can't very well teach your dd how to deal with disappointment if you don't know how to deal with it yourself, yk?

Thank you for your feedback.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.

I don't agree with this. I think in a bigger class it's understandable, but would you really invite two of your co-workers if you only had three? I wouldn't. I would invite all of them or figure out a way to do it diplomatically.

And with small children, there's really no way to be diplomatic.

I also think there's nothing wrong with men having a "guys' night" and women having a "gals' night" or having an all-boy or all-girl birthday party IF!

(1) It's not just one or two people, or let's say a very small minority being excluded;
(2) It is not used as an excuse to discuss business matters without the opposite sex, i.e. conspire;
(3) It's done in good humor and there are opportunities to do things together if co-workers or classmates agree.

I mean... sometimes you wanna talk girl stuff, and sometimes guys just really don't want to hear it, and I can respect that, LOL!

OP, I would be sad, too, and no, I would never do that. I understand that children at that age are very sensitive and there's no use in excluding ONE PERSON. I want to raise my kids with a "we're all in this together" spirit and I don't like excluding.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
And in my universe, if your child doesn't want someone at their party and you insist, then you might as well tell them that they can't have a tea party and make bracelets because it wouldn't include the boys because that is being too insensitive to the boys.







.

Again, you don't have to insist that they invite the child they don't want there. You just insist that they can not invite all but that one girl. There are other, kinder options.

Choosing a theme or activities with guest preferences in mind is not comparable at all.

Quote:

It's no different than excluding 4 other girls in a class if there were 12.
Because it is the same proportion?

Of course it is different. The point is that they excluded *one* girl. It is similar to excluding 1 girl in a group of any size. It is not similar to excluding 1/3 of the girls in larger sized groups.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 







Yep, I know! Yes, I am worked up on here. Not outwardly in real life. I take her to school, I smile, I act like nothing happened. Because really, I have no idea what to do/say. I am just trying to formulate a plan so it doesn't happen again. I don't want to start a "thing" with the other mother or anything like that. It is a small school.

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing







) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.

ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo

Crashing because my DS is still little but I helped raise my younger sister and we went through stuff like this. My heart hurts with you mama, it is hard I know. You have every right to feel the way you do and people can disagree with that but they can't tell you what to feel ya know?

There is truly no feeling in the world then when you feel an injustice has been done to the little person you love with all your soul. I'll never forget my little sister bursting out in tears one day saying "I have no friends". My goodness, I tear up just thinking about it and that was 10 years ago!

I dread these situations in the future with my son because of course I want to protect him from all the cruelty in the world. You sound like a very caring and warm mama and your DD will grow up to be kind and considerate. I'm glad that there are parents like you in the world








I hope you get some closure with this.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

eh, I grew up with the mentality that everyone had to be invited and I still don't like it. I also think there is an element of entitlement in the concept that we have to invite everyone and accomidate everyone all the time. You know sometimes you just want a certain type of party that may not be appropriate or work for everyone. I encountered this problem when my dd was getting older and she wanted to do a scary halloween theme, but her BFs much much younger sibling was not going to appreciate it. And their mom just didn't get it. Apparently my dds party was supposed to revolve around her friends much younger sibling. We ended up being forced to invite him and of course he got scared and ended up going home even though we toned it down, for one kid. That my dd wasn't even really friends with. At some point enough is enough. No one is owed an invitation to anything.

Everyone is going off on this one person concept, but really it's not like the whole class but one person was invited. In reality 2 girls out of the whole class were invited. 1 girl and all the boys weren't. As a kid that was forced to invite everyone I hated it.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

Of course it is different. The point is that they excluded one girl. It is similar to excluding 1 girl in a group of any size. It is not similar to excluding 1/3 of the girls in larger sized groups.
Totally!

Just like it would be to exclude ONE boy, or the only two boys. I wouldn't do that, either. However... I might ask my child to consider bringing them cupcakes or doing something very small at the school. If the boys are a group, then none of them need take it personally.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

Yeah, I don't really know what is going on here, but I'd be angry and would feel like she and I clearly don't share the same values. But I'd probably ask her directly why she invited her last year, and excluded her this year, 1 girl out of a class of 4 girls when it was bound to make my child feel bad. Exclusion may be a way of life, but you don't have to support it, for goodness sake!!!

I had my daughter invite all the children in her class to her 7th birthday, even though the class has over 30 children in it. I made her invite the boys she doesn't like because they have behavior problems--they are also a different race. She said she didn't want to invite certain kids because she doesn't like them. I told her that they probably wouldn't come because they probably don't like her either, but that she'd find out that she enjoyed the kids who came because she'd get to know them better. And that's what happened, of course. I told her that if she wanted to have a private party and invite a few friends, and not half of her class, we could do that. But that's what birthday parties at fun zones are--they aren't intimate little gatherings, and if she wants a different kind of party and presents from her parents, then that's a different thing.

We didn't really have birthday parties growing up, so my husband completely doesn't get why our children need to have these birthday parties at these fun play places. I am not all that on board with it, but my kids want to have these parties, and I let them choose that as their birthday present from us. But I kind of want them to realize that these things are social obligations and have etiquette and things attached, and aren't just "you get to have whatever you want" types of things. So I'm coming from a different place, I'm sure.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
eh, I grew up with the mentality that everyone had to be invited and I still don't like it. I also think there is an element of entitlement in the concept that we have to invite everyone and accomidate everyone all the time. You know sometimes you just want a certain type of party that may not be appropriate or work for everyone. I encountered this problem when my dd was getting older and she wanted to do a scary halloween theme, but her BFs much much younger sibling was not going to appreciate it. And their mom just didn't get it. Apparently my dds party was supposed to revolve around her friends much younger sibling. We ended up being forced to invite him and of course he got scared and ended up going home even though we toned it down, for one kid. That my dd wasn't even really friends with. At some point enough is enough. No one is owed an invitation to anything.

Everyone is going off on this one person concept, but really it's not like the whole class but one person was invited. In reality 2 girls out of the whole class were invited. 1 girl and all the boys weren't. As a kid that was forced to invite everyone I hated it.

I think I would be scarred by this type of thing too! But this is a completely different situation. Nobody had to modify the party for my DD. And again, I think it might just be very different here because many people keep mentioning the fact that the boys were not invited. Boys are NEVER invited to girl's parties here. I don't know why...that's just how it is. I didn't invent this concept -- people just have smaller home parties and invite only the girls or only the boys. Probably because having a party with an entire class scares them! So for this example, we might as well just pretend there are no boys in the class because she definitely isn't identifying with the boys. The girls only play together at recess. I don't know why....I've tried suggesting she play soccer with the boys (or whatever) and she doesn't want to. I just assumed it was the age.


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

I feel for the OP and her daughter. It totally sucks to be left out, and my feelings would be hurt. My feelings are STILL hurt when I'm excluded, or when my kids are...at the same time, though, if my child chose to exclude someone, even when I put it to her she might be hurting someone, I guess I'd let it happen. Maybe that "preschool" excuse was just that, maybe there's a deeper reason.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
I will speak to the school low-key at some point just to get a better idea of the group dynamic and to make sure there are no issues.

The birthday party part of this wouldn't faze me, but the classroom dynamic _you_ described sounds like it might be an issue. Your dd is frequently not included in play time with the other girls, right? That's the pattern from what you said upthread, so it's not surprising she was left out of the birthday party, as well.

And, I don't feel that people are obligated to invite anyone to their birthday party. I'm sorry your dd's feelings were hurt, and mine probably would have been, too...but this is 3 girls, in addition to the birthday girl. This isn't a group of 12 where one child was left out. This is _two_ girls being invited.

Oh - and to whomever asked about inviting only two coworkers to something? Yes, I'd do that. If I were inviting coworkers to a social event, it would mean we were friends. If we weren't friends, I wouldn't invite them (might make an exception for someone who was really new). And, if there were people in my office who frequently got together for lunch, etc., I wouldn't expect them to invite me, either.

Several people have said that the birthday girl didn't have to invite OP's dd to the party, but it should have been handled differently. Okay. How, exactly, could this have been handled without OP's dd feeling left out?


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

So now I'm evil? Well, I guess it's not rubbing off on my dd because she just got an award at school last month for being "respectful" and a "good friend to all".

I'm coming at this from the other side because this very same thing happened to my dd. I did *not* get upset about it at all and I guess I can't understand why it's such a major thing to get so worked up about, as it's going to happen hundreds of times and something a person learns to deal with and teach to our kids. Of course the whole leaving from school was not kosher, but the mother and girl do not "owe" it to you or your child to include her.

In our case, I just told dd that there was a reason that perhaps we wouldn't understand. I told her that friends don't hold grudges and that being her friend is not based on getting invited for the fun stuff. She has worked on cultivating the friendship more and I think they are even closer now. Nothing negative came of it, but dd did learn to not take things like this personally. We are very carefully raising her to not be entitled, though.

I'm sorry we don't see eye-to-eye, but I assure you that we're not EVIL people.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
The girls only play together at recess. I don't know why....I've tried suggesting she play soccer with the boys (or whatever) and she doesn't want to. I just assumed it was the age.

To clarify myself more, this is NOT the dynamic at dd's school and never has been (they are all 8 or 9 now). I don't know how that plays into my opinion on this situation (which seems to be in the minority... and I'm O.K. with that







as I don't need to feel included), but I'm sure it does influence it somewhat. When dd talks of her "best friends", it includes 2 girls and a boy. They all play together at recess and get invited to each others' birthday parties (usually, but not always). Segregation based on sex is just not the norm where we are.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
So now I'm evil?

eh, I guess I'm evil too then. Oh well.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.








So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if.







I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.

Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?"







It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones"







and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
That's awful. Why lie? It made it so much harder for you all!

Quote:

Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?" It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones" and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.
Shocking. Can you imagine inviting only certain people to an adult party... aloud? And excluding the others? Do people do that? WTH?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know?











Quote:

ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo
I really surprised by the comments as well, since the PUBLIC SCHOOL my kids attended didn't allow this sort of thing.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
the classroom dynamic _you_ described sounds like it might be an issue. Your dd is frequently not included in play time with the other girls, right?

I agree with this. At the small private school my kids go to now, exclusionary play is NOT allowed on the playground. It's a big deal.

I'm a playground monitor. Saying "You can't play with us because..." means the child speaking is now finished with recess and will go inside and have a chat a staff member.

Quote:

Several people have said that the birthday girl didn't have to invite OP's dd to the party, but it should have been handled differently. Okay. How, exactly, could this have been handled without OP's dd feeling left out?
The party should have been totally separate from school. It wasn't.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
eh, I guess I'm evil too then. Oh well.

Well, maybe "evil" was too strong. I don't think you eat babies or anything. And I will allow that PERHAPS I haven't explained it well enough to get across how very bizarre the whole thing is....even the moms of the other 2 girls have approached me unsolicited to say they were very sorry and that they didn't understand why she would do this and that they felt uncomfortable. But I stand by my feeling that any adult who would do this and allow 1 young child to feel left out is not very nice (in MY opinion). You can have your own opinions about yourself.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

A similar thing happened to my DD, age 7. A few weeks ago, she saw all the neighbor kids playing outside down the block. She asked if she could join them (as she frequently does) and I said ok (as I usually do). Come to find out it was the birthday party of 1 of the kids. ALL the neighbor kids had been invited ... except my DD. It was a house party so there wasn't a facility limit or a problem with transportation or anything else.

It was either extremely insensitive or really mean. I go back and forth on which I believe. Either way, I wish the bday kid's parents had to dry my DD's tears for the next several days and reassure her again and again that there wasn't anything wrong with her but that those parents had been extremely rude. I'm getting mad all over again thinking about it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OP, you and your sweetie have my sympathy. At age 7, "that's life" just doesn't cut it.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
A similar thing happened to my DD, age 7. A few weeks ago, she saw all the neighbor kids playing outside down the block. She asked if she could join them (as she frequently does) and I said ok (as I usually do). Come to find out it was the birthday party of 1 of the kids. ALL the neighbor kids had been invited ... except my DD. It was a house party so there wasn't a facility limit or a problem with transportation or anything else.

I am so sorry.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
Well, maybe "evil" was too strong. I don't think you eat babies or anything. And I will allow that PERHAPS I haven't explained it well enough to get across how very bizarre the whole thing is....even the moms of the other 2 girls have approached me unsolicited to say they were very sorry and that they didn't understand why she would do this and that they felt uncomfortable. But I stand by my feeling that any adult who would do this and allow 1 young child to feel left out is not very nice (in MY opinion). You can have your own opinions about yourself.









It's a good thing my opinion of myself isn't based on other peoples opinions of me - if it was, well, we'd have a problem.

Just b/c we don't agree with you doesn't mean we aren't nice people. If you didn't want to hear from people who diagree with you, you shouldn't post on a web board.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
It's a good thing my opinion of myself isn't based on other peoples opinions of me - if it was, well, we'd have a problem.

Just b/c we don't agree with you doesn't mean we aren't nice people. If you didn't want to hear from people who diagree with you, you shouldn't post on a web board.

I did mention that you are free to think anything you want about yourself. In my opinion, nice people do not go around excluding and purposely (not to mention unnecessarily) hurting the feelings of a young child. If in your opinion that's coolio, then that's fine by me. If you lived near me I'd probably steer clear of you (and keep my child away), but other than that I would do you no harm or be rude/mean.









I'll bet if someone hurts Lincoln one day you _might_ understand where I am coming from. But even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. Because as you said...this is just a web board.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

this seems like an awful lot of time spent venting and not helping the child that is so crushed - IMO

fact is you can not undue a party, you can only cope and show your child how to do so and get over and get on

it's not a perfect world and things like this happen and keep happening

it's all well to include everyone and a few years later they stop doing so and the child _wonders why_, it's a hard lesson to learn but one that needs to be learned

as far as co-works and growing up, no I would not include everyone, people to do not always like each other and even children do not, forcing is not reality to many and even at the sake of hurting someone-if it is not a party they hurt in other ways too, is the OP really sure nothing happened prior to this that changed the b-day's child's and her mom's mind? could there have been other children (outside of school) that were at the party making the number too many and thus the dis?

is it at all possible that the child _was asked_ and didn't say so? or told the b-day girls no? and only later told mom a different story later on?


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *serenbat* 
this seems like an awful lot of time spent venting and not helping the child that is so crushed - IMO

She's fine. I did help her work through it by listening to her and I downplayed the whole thing by saying maybe there was a mistake (because there is no way I'm telling a 7 year old that "maybe she just didn't want you to come, and that is something that will happen to you many times as you grow up"). She lives in the moment for the most part. We had a very fun time together and all is ok.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
In our case, I just told dd that there was a reason that perhaps we wouldn't understand. I told her that friends don't hold grudges and that being her friend is not based on getting invited for the fun stuff. She has worked on cultivating the friendship more and I think they are even closer now. Nothing negative came of it, but dd did learn to not take things like this personally. We are very carefully raising her to not be entitled, though.

This doesn't sound too different from how the OP describes interacting with her dd after being excluded. I think most of us would act similarly if/when our child is on the side of the excluded (note again, going to the teacher is not about forcing an invitation, but rather about gleaning insight about the friendship dynamics, and alerting the teacher to possible exclusion issues).

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
I did mention that you are free to think anything you want about yourself. In my opinion, nice people do not go around excluding and purposely (not to mention unnecessarily) hurting the feelings of a young child. If in your opinion that's coolio, then that's fine by me. If you lived near me I'd probably steer clear of you (and keep my child away), but other than that I would do you no harm or be rude/mean.









I'll bet if someone hurts Lincoln one day you _might_ understand where I am coming from. But even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. Because as you said...this is just a web board.

I'm sure it will hurt when Lincoln gets excluded from something. But our job as parents isn't to judge those other parents, and say they're bad people. It's to teach our children how to deal with their feelings about it in a constructive way. I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled, or feeling like he is required to do things based on how other people will feel (so long as he is not purposefully bullying - which I will not put up with).


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *serenbat* 
bolding- really? do you know for sure-none one her really does
is a school forced to make a parent have a "bully" (what ever child it is) come to a party or prevent the "bully" from having a party outside of school?

and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

if the school is so small, go to the teacher-question the teacher to see if there really is another issue here or not instead of jumping to conclusions

-wondering the same???

Do I know that it points the POSSIBILITY, yes anything is possible especially with this age group. Is it absolute, no. That would be why I said the possibility is there and why I suggested earlier that the OP go to the teacher and ask about the dynamics. This goes beyond the birthday party thing and I don't think the solution to bullying in the classroom has anything to do with a birthday party that is already over, I think the birthday party is a big clue that something is going on because it came as a shock when everything seemed to be going well.

Do the schools need to demand that all kids go to birthday parties? No, but they do have to monitor kids and prevent bullying, at least in my area and in many areas where school districts take bullying seriously because of lawsuits and because they care about kids. My dd's school last year dealt with the boy who was hurting my dd frequently by having principal and counselor taking turns monitoring the children in that grade at play and redirecting the play, having the two come together to talk with the counselor, training the new duty teachers on spotting and gently redirecting bullies, and monitoring the boy a lot more closely (he had already developed a reputation by this point). They did a lot of the same types of things with the beginnings of bullying behavior, not even letting it develop into a cycle, at the school I did my internship at and student taught at. They also do a lot of education about bullying, who to talk to, how it makes you feel to bully or be bullied, and what to do instead with the kids during all specials (pe, music, library) as well as in class.I am talking about public schools since I don't have a lot of experience with private schools. In this area a private school would most likely take it seriously because there aren't a lot of people that choose to pay for them but I don't know for sure.


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I'm sure it will hurt when Lincoln gets excluded from something. But our job as parents isn't to judge those other parents, and say they're bad people. It's to teach our children how to deal with their feelings about it in a constructive way. I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled, or feeling like he is required to do things based on how other people will feel (so long as he is not purposefully bullying - which I will not put up with).

I never thought it was my "job" to judge someone. I was just venting here. But of course we all have feelings and opinions about how other people behave and interact with us. If I see someone treat another person in a cruel manner, I will definitely judge them. Can't help myself!!


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

thyra; I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled said:


> With all due respect, having these thoughts when your lo is tiny are nice, but when you get there and see the crushed spirit and disappointment, it's really tough. Of course as parents we teach coping skills, that doesn't make it any easier being the parent who has to "talk them through it".
> 
> I don't believe they have the understanding to "man up" and think about the logical reasons they may have been excluded. I think many kids would assume there is something unlikeable about them. Not nice or fun.
> 
> ...


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?"







It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones"







and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.

"Chosen ones?" Seriously? He's someone the birthday child plays with, so he was invited. I'd find it really weird if someone I didn't interact with invited me to something, would assume it was out of a sense of social obligation, and wouldn't go. I find this whole thing soooo weird. Why would a child invite someone they don't play with to their party? (I have to admit that this particular way of handing out the invitations is bizarre. My best guess is that it was an attempt to forestall the "invitations left in backpacks" things...but it wasn't handled well at all.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I really surprised by the comments as well, since the PUBLIC SCHOOL my kids attended didn't allow this sort of thing.









My kids have never attended a school that attempted to dictate who they could/should interact with outside of school. I've been here for five years, and I still find this soooo weird.

Quote:

I agree with this. At the small private school my kids go to now, exclusionary play is NOT allowed on the playground. It's a big deal.

I'm a playground monitor. Saying "You can't play with us because..." means the child speaking is now finished with recess and will go inside and have a chat a staff member.
Seriously? A chat with a staff member for not wanting to play with someone? Why?

Quote:

The party should have been totally separate from school. It wasn't.
This is the part I'm not getting. How was it not separate? The kids left together from school. My son has left with friends from school to go to parties, shopping, non-school related extra-curriculars, etc. None of those things have anything to do with school.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
To clarify myself more, this is NOT the dynamic at dd's school and never has been (they are all 8 or 9 now). I don't know how that plays into my opinion on this situation (which seems to be in the minority... and I'm O.K. with that







as I don't need to feel included), but I'm sure it does influence it somewhat. When dd talks of her "best friends", it includes 2 girls and a boy. They all play together at recess and get invited to each others' birthday parties (usually, but not always). Segregation based on sex is just not the norm where we are.

Yeah. I find that so strange, and have never dealt with it. But, it's starting in our neighbourhood. DS2 wasn't invited to the parties of three of his playmates (well, two - the other one doesn't really play with him) in October, because they were girl only parties. He had a pretty rough time...but I don't think anybody is obligated to invite him, yk?


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Youngfrankenstein said:


> I think the OP has not been judgmental and is just expressing herself. I don't know why some of you feel the need to force her to let it go and roll with it. She is hurt and I don't think it's our place to tell her to get over it.
> 
> 
> > With all due respect, I completely disagree with this. The OP has told me (based on a few posts that I've made in THIS thread) that she would steer clear of me if she knew me irl, and keep her dd away too. She has said that people who would allow their children to decide who to invite (even if they didn't include everyone) are not very nice people. She has said that she doesn't understand how anyone could think that was OK.
> ...


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## Mom2GCNJ (Jun 6, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Now I understand why all the parties were on Saturday afternoon when I was a kid. It just makes it so much easier.

Handing out invitations at school, picking up most but not all kids - even if you argue that hey, it's life, suck it up, there's a lot of fall out that's going to be handled AT SCHOOL and teachers have enough to deal with without all this on the student AND parent level.

Send invitations in the mail or make personal phone calls and plan your parties for weekend afternoons. A little consideration goes a long way.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
Send invitations in the mail or make personal phone calls and plan your parties for weekend afternoons.

I very rarely had a class list for ds1. I was at work during the day for most of his school years, and had very little opportunity to meet/talk with other parents. In the early years (eg. at age 7), he didn't even know the last names of his school friends. So, mailing invitations and making phone calls weren't a viable option.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.

How does entitlement have a role?

I guess maybe we all see birthday parties different or something. I see a party as something I'd invite my friends to, and I'd expect that my kids would like to invite their friends, too. A friend, in my world, does not mean "someone who goes to the same school as me" or "someone who works in the same office as me", or any other variation on that theme.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
This doesn't sound too different from how the OP describes interacting with her dd after being excluded. I think most of us would act similarly if/when our child is on the side of the excluded (note again, going to the teacher is not about forcing an invitation, but rather about gleaning insight about the friendship dynamics, and alerting the teacher to possible exclusion issues).

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.

Very, very well said.


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## pinkshamrocks (Jul 4, 2007)

Youngfrankenstein said:


> I think the OP has not been judgmental and is just expressing herself. I don't know why some of you feel the need to force her to let it go and roll with it. She is hurt and I don't think it's our place to tell her to get over it.
> 
> 
> > This exactly. If the OP, a total stranger on the internet, has apparently hurt some people's feelings enough that they feel the need to keep hammering on a point, how on earth can a small child be expected to just let something as hurtful as being slighted irl go?


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 

And, somehow, my mom raised me in a way that I didn't feel entitled to be invited to b-day parties, and so that I don't feel responsible for other peoples feelings.

We aren't responsible for others feelings but I believe we have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to be considerate of others feelings. Who knows if there is a back-story but, if this is all there is to it, the autonomy of the b-day girl to exclude this little girl should have been over-ridden by the basic, decent kindness to include all the girls. There are very,very few scenarios where this courtesy could not have been extended.


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## OHmidwife (Feb 24, 2003)

Wowie mommahhh!
I am so sorry your little girl was excluded so rudely. (hugs!)

I don't know why I read through this whole thread- it's not any issue I'm dealing with atm, but read it, I did. And I have to say, that besides empathizing with your daughter's situation, I am also very impressed with your own STELLAR behavior on this thread, despite being repeatedly baited by people who have already made their point and should just stop posting in this thread now because it is oh so obvious that they are not helping you in any way.

Seriously. Why do some people seem to think it is their duty to tell other people that they are wrong? Sigh. Cruel world indeed.

So, back to the actual purpose of this thread.

1) I validate your feelings. I'd be pissed too! In the name of all that is kind and decent, if they did not plan on inviting your kid, couldn't they have had the party some other time than _right after_ school? And forbid the girls from talking about it at school? Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it.

2) I admire you for venting here instead of to your child or the other moms at school. And for even taking the high road and still inviting the other girl to your dd's bday party. Bravo! Kill em with kindness, I say. And I don't give a hoot if I get flamed for this, but I do hope that other mom and girl feel extra guilty when they get that invitation and buy your kid and extra nice gift because of it.









3) My son's school has a rule that if you plan to discuss or give out invitations at school, you either must invite ALL the kids in the class, or ALL the girls, or ALL the boys. You might suggest this to your child's school.

4) I don't know if I would have the guts to do it, and I don't know if it would be a good idea to do it even if I did, but I would be sorely tempted to write a note to that girl's mother and tell her ever-so-delicately-and-politely that your girl was hurt by being excluded and that if she intends to exclude your dd again, to make sure the other girls don't let her know that there is or was a party to which she was not invited.

Kudos to you mama. You sound like a wonderful mom with your child's best interests at heart. May she grow up to be as kind and loving and level headed as her own dear mommahhh.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
We aren't responsible for others feelings but I believe we have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to be considerate of others feelings. Who knows if there is a back-story but, if this is all there is to it, the autonomy of the b-day girl to exclude this little girl should have been over-ridden by the basic, decent kindness to include all the girls. There are very,very few scenarios where this courtesy could not have been extended.

Yes this! Thank you. I am so baffled by people who think it is ok to elbow their way through life without taking note of the people who get hurt on the way. Are those people just collateral damage? Life sucks, learn to live with it? I don't think so.

And, yes it is a type of entitlement to plan birthday parties so exclusively. The social world of children is different than that of adults...loyalty to certain friends is often fleeting and kids are very fickle. This is why inviting entire groups is perfectly appropriate. If a kid doesn't want to come they don't have to, but at least they were invited.

To do otherwise shows a serious empathy deficiency. Or it shows that you have never had it happen to you.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
How does entitlement have a role?

I guess maybe we all see birthday parties different or something. I see a party as something I'd invite my friends to, and I'd expect that my kids would like to invite their friends, too. A friend, in my world, does not mean "someone who goes to the same school as me" or "someone who works in the same office as me", or any other variation on that theme.

I wonder if class size or being from a small town has something to do with how people view this. In my area, and especially in my middle school years, it wouldn't be too uncommon to have a very small class. It's not like oh, I have my group here and you have your group over there, there are four or five girls (or maybe six kids altogether) in a class. Excluding ONE is just...exclusive. Including five out of a group of thirty? Oh well. There are far more left out than included. But including all but one? Is rude.

Maybe I'm just an odd duck. I say please, thank you, and excuse me. I am not a door mat, but I try to be kind or at least a bare minimum of polite. I teach my child and believe myself that people are responsible for nothing and also being kind is free.

I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
"Chosen ones?" Seriously? He's someone the birthday child plays with, so he was invited. I'd find it really weird if someone I didn't interact with invited me to something, would assume it was out of a sense of social obligation, and wouldn't go. I find this whole thing soooo weird. Why would a child invite someone they don't play with to their party? (I have to admit that this particular way of handing out the invitations is bizarre. My best guess is that it was an attempt to forestall the "invitations left in backpacks" things...but it wasn't handled well at all.)

I thought it was obvious that my whole problem was with the WAY it was handled, not with the mere fact that they were inviting their DS's playmates to the party, so I agree with your statements in parentheses and don't really understand how the rest relates to my post.


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## quaz (May 24, 2005)

Sorry.
I honestly just do not get the side of those that are okay with the idea of inviting all girls, except one.

When I was 10, I came to school, and every single girl was talking about a slumber party. I came to find out, that out of all the girls in the class, me and one other girl were not invited. We were the two girls that didn't dress like everyone else. That party only made me that much more excluded from everyone, because "I was the girl that wasn't invited". There was yet one more reason to exclude me.

It feels lousy at 10, when you are the only one excluded, when you have no reason why. It has to feel lousy at 7, especially in a class that is that size.

It isn't about a child being 'entitled' to going to a birthday party, but simple human decency. You don't select every girl except one girl. Girls are already mean enough in grade school. This only sets up a very negative school situation. I think when kids are in Junior high, they are savvy enough to understand social dynamics better, but just excluding one girl, really sets up bully fodder in elementary.

Tammy


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## WifeofAnt (May 2, 2010)

Okay so I don't have children yet but I *was* the excluded 7 year old. Long story short I went into foster care and spent 9 months living with my aunt and 3 female cousins. They were all buddy-buddy and since I lived there I was pushed into everything they did. If they wanted to go across the street and play with the neighbor girl, they had to let me go (even if I didn't want to). I did gymnastics with them, I was at all their parties. We spent nearly every waking moment together and I was *still* a '4th wheel', always present but never actually emotionally included. We were relatives and housemates but not friends.

I'm also a bit confused on why she should _have_ to invite everyone. The class is SO tiny. Its not like she's inviting 6 girls and leaving the 7th one out, she's only inviting two. Its IMHO a bit of an exaggeration to say she invited "everyone but her" when "everyone" is 2 people. If there were only 3 girls in the class (counting the birthday girl) would it be exclusionary if she only invited one? One girl more (2 of 4 invited) or one girl less (1 of 2 invited) and it would be a totally different situation. Yeah it was extremely mean to rub it in her face but if the birthday girl didn't actually want her there its just a pity invite and has no effect on whether or not she'll be *honestly* as included as the other girls at the party.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.

All this. One reason we moved Ds to a new school recently was the pervasive atmosphere of exclusiveness and cliquishness fostered by the lack of a school policy regarding passing out invitations *in the class, in front of kids who weren't invited.*

I'm not a fan of "invite the whole class". Thankfully, that's not "done" where we live. It's considered over the top. I also think kids should get to have some say in who they invite. But I also think kids this age need some guidance. As a parent, there's a difference between forcing a kid to invite another kid s/he doesn't like, and gently saying, "You know, s/he invited you to his/her party" or "S/he would be the only kid in the class not invited. How do you think that would make him/her feel?" There's also an element of discretion. Email/call/send them, or *discreetly* give out invitations (although I think that's pretty hard). Have the party on a weekend so it's not obvious that certain kids are being picked up from school for a party. Generally be kind and considerate. It's not that hard!


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## mommahhh (Oct 17, 2004)

I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all those who allowed me to vent my shock/frustration/pain here.














I appreciate your kindness and I am so happy there are decent people in the world.

I had no idea this thread would create such a stir or controversy. I thought it was universally agreed that it is wrong for adults to harm children on purpose, be that physically or emotionally. And believe me when I say that my child was emotionally hurt by the actions of this adult, very unnecessarily (given all that I have since learned from the other mothers). I won't be responding anymore here because yes, it does get me a bit riled up







and I really just want to move past the entire issue. I have a plan in place to make sure my daughter does not feel excluded at her very small school overall. I certainly don't want this to blow up into a chronic issue.

Since I'm "signing off", I will end by saying that I tried hard to stay calm in this thread, but if I'm being completely honest I can only hope that some of you on this thread aren't truly as cruel and callous in real life as you have portrayed here in words. But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OHmidwife* 
....Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it....

Best.Advice.Ever.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.
if that was the way I felt, I would be glad my child was not invited to the party

in the end a full social calendar does not make you have true and lasting friendships


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't think this is an issue of what the school should do. No, the school can't tell people who they can or have to invite to a party. It's just an etiquette issue. If you're inviting almost everyone in a class, or almost all the girls, the polite thing to do is invite that other person so no one is left out. Though that's more of a clear etiquette issue when it's 19 out of 20 than when it's 2 out of 3, for sure. And then the second etiquette issue is not making it obvious to kids not invited to a party that there is a party at all, and picking up the kids from preschool with discussions of the party they're going to breaks that as well. It's unkind.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommahhh* 
I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all those who allowed me to vent my shock/frustration/pain here.














I appreciate your kindness and I am so happy there are decent people in the world.

I had no idea this thread would create such a stir or controversy. I thought it was universally agreed that it is wrong for adults to harm children on purpose, be that physically or emotionally. And believe me when I say that my child was emotionally hurt by the actions of this adult, very unnecessarily (given all that I have since learned from the other mothers). I won't be responding anymore here because yes, it does get me a bit riled up







and I really just want to move past the entire issue. I have a plan in place to make sure my daughter does not feel excluded at her very small school overall. I certainly don't want this to blow up into a chronic issue.

Since I'm "signing off", I will end by saying that I tried hard to stay calm in this thread, but if I'm being completely honest I can only hope that some of you on this thread aren't truly as cruel and callous in real life as you have portrayed here in words. But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.

























Whether you come back or not... I think it needs to be said that not agreeing with you does not make people "not decent" nor does it make us cruel and callous. Perhaps you should take a dose of your own medicine. Are you any better than "that mother" when you make statements such as you are?


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## dida17 (Sep 10, 2008)

I know this discussion has been long, and I didn't get a chance to read it all, I did read the first dozen or so posts though. As a young girl I was often invited to birthday paties where i wasn't really good friends with the girls who's birthday it was. Quite frankly, I think I was just invited because I should have been, to be nice. I never enjoyed these parties, because once there I was excluded and treated bad by the clique that didn't want me there. Cruel, so cruel. But sometimes I wonder if it was better if I hadn't even been at those parties. I do have wonderful memories of parties of true friends.

Maybe those 3 girls spend alot of time together, sleepovers, play dates on the weekends. So they just wanted to have those three girls.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I do not look forward to the day that I have to feel these things about my own kids. Mine are only 3yrs and 9 mths right now, so we haven't had any crappy experiences like this.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dida17* 
Maybe those 3 girls spend alot of time together, sleepovers, play dates on the weekends. So they just wanted to have those three girls.

I think this is probable, esp since the invitations were verbal. The mom must spend enough time together to talk, likely because their girls spend a lot of time together.

BUT--in a class of only 4 girls, when 3 of them are an established "group", that is all the more reason for the adults to be proactive about making sure the 4th girl is accepted into the fold.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaHappy* 
It is one thing for a 7 year old to exclude someone, but I am appalled that the mother would allow this behavior. Wow....just wow. I totally feel your pain OP. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous.

Exactly. A kid can't learn empathy from a mom who has none...so sad.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

A point on the boy/girl alleged exclusion--

Is it possible that there are children who don't know that [insert: boys/girls] have cooties???

I'm being silly.....mostly. My dd does, in fact, have some friends who are boys. But it is developmentally normal for kids to prefer friends of their own gender in the elementary school ages. Parents might not always get it, but usually the kids do.

Apparently, there is even an evolutionary theory about why boys have cooties


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
I don't know how to quote multiple people so I will paraphrase the other poster who said they were mean because of their "large incomes".

I don't see how either of these things can be gleaned from this story...

Having said that, OP I am so sorry this happened for you dd. I know her life isn't ruined and she'll have other good times, but it stings so badly. At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

I can't believe that happened to your son. That is so mean. I'm sorry.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.








So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if.







I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.

Wow...also unbelieveable. WTF is wrong with people???


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## WifeofAnt (May 2, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dida17* 
As a young girl I was often invited to birthday paties where i wasn't really good friends with the girls who's birthday it was. Quite frankly, I think I was just invited because I should have been, to be nice. I never enjoyed these parties, because once there I was excluded and treated bad by the clique that didn't want me there. Cruel, so cruel. But sometimes I wonder if it was better if I hadn't even been at those parties. I do have wonderful memories of parties of true friends.









That was my general experience too. I would have much rather been invited to one party I was wanted at than a handful of ones I was invited to 'just because'.


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## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

this thread is closed for review.


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