# Did you have the circ conversation before choosing your partner and deciding to have children?



## Erinz (Mar 1, 2006)

Just curious. For me it was a topic while dating just as self-sustainability, organic gardening and eating, whether or not to have children, where to live, etc etc.


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## latinalonestar (Jan 26, 2008)

dh is intact so it really never was an issue. That said, we didn't really think about circ at that time. I never realized the harms and damage it caused.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

No we never talked about it. Back then though I didnt even think I would ever have kids though we did discuss how many we might have and how long to wait before starting a family.

Since I knew I would never circ if I did have kids I really didnt think about bringing it up to dh. I guess I just assumed he would feel the same way I did.


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## bremen (Feb 12, 2005)

brought it up within the first 3 dates.
it came up cause dp is cut, and he is the first i have "had" that is, and i didn't know what to do with it!
i feel that no child should ever have genitals cut for a non-medical reason.
ever.
and dp agrees with me.
(although he is more sympathetic to religious reasons, which are fortunately not applicable to us)


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

my answer would be no i never did have that talk. i am 200% against it and everyone knows it, but i said n/a because if i was talking to a guy who was cut then it would be educating him how it was wrong and make sure he knew no child of mine would have ti done to him. if he couldnt get past it and demanded that his child be cut then no we couldnt be together and no having kids.


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## Kyamo (Jun 14, 2006)

No, because when I met DH I didn't think it was very important. I thought there was no reason to do it, so I wouldn't, but didn't think it was a big deal since they won't remember it when they are older anyways.

I became much more strongly against it later, when I found this board. Luckily, he has no problem with leaving any future sons intact. His current opinion is a lot like my old one, no big deal, but no reason to do it.


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

No, neither of us realized the horror of it until many years after we started dating. I learned how awful it is during a human sex class in college and shared that info with him. He was on board nearly right away.


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

Yes. Absolutely. We talked about it as soon as things stated to get serious. I said something like, "I think you should know that if we ever have kids I am absolutely opposed to circumcizing or vaccinating them." DH was in full agreement, and had made the same decisions on his own before we even met.


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

Not at all, I had no idea about it really.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I voted no because my dh and started dating when we were 16 and wasn't something I ever even thought about! I don't think we discussed it until I was pregnant and I said "i don't want to circ" and dh said "okay, sounds fine with me"

lol end of discussion!


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Yup. And I left a guy as I couldn't trust him not to take our potential child and get it done behind my back. My dh looked at me like I had two heads when I mentioned it, it would never have crossed his mind to do something like that (circ, not talk about it).


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

no, IMO it isn't up for debate. Just like no one else has to talk to their partner about FGM.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

I guess I'm the obligatory 'other'!

When DH and I met, I had decided that I was NEVER having children. So it was a COMPLETE non issue.

but...After a few life changing events, I decided now or never. At 37 years old, I gave us a 6 month window to TTC (I wouldn't even call it that...we just threw away the BC and decided to see what would happen.) If I wasn't pregnant by my 38th birthday 6 months away I was getting my tubes tied for my birthday. Needless to say, I was pregnant 3 weeks later









I don't think the circ issue even needed to be discussed...when DH and I met, I already had 4 anti circ bumper stickers on my car and was already dropping pamphlets in baby isles and in baby sections of bookstores (much to his embarrasement) and we had discussed the possibility of him restoring. The subject was never even discussed in reguards to our DD even before we knew her sex.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Yes, we did. I told my DH that if we ever had a son we would NOT be circumcising. I explained all of the reasons why not, and he didn't feel very strongly about it so we really had no issues.

It was a really important conversation for me to have with him before we actually started trying for a baby.


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## thixle (Sep 26, 2007)

nak
hehe, I had only known dh 3 months when I got pregnant... but it didn't register to talk to dh because i had been told i was infertile, _and_ i was on bc









like kriket said, i didn't think to talk about it, just like FGM... no one would do that to my kid

most of the men in my family are intact, and i have a strong grandma that was proud of protecting her boys (after a c-section in the "good ole days," she snatched up my uncle and stood on the bed screaming at the docs not to cut on her baby!)...


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

Before I married dh I made it perfectly clear to him where I stood on various issues. I told him there were some things that were 100% non-negotiable (like no circ, and breastfeeding until the child is good and ready to wean, and no spanking) and things that I was interested in but wouldn't file under "non-negotiable" because they were things we would just see how they worked out (like cosleeping, which he said sounded really sweet, cloth dipes, and homeschooling) He didn't then, nor does he now, agree with me on circ, but I made it clear to him that marrying/impregnating me was "implied acceptance" to an intact son. Its not a topic he likes to discuss, at all. I think he's slowly getting used to it, even if he doesn't LIKE it. (we're having a boy in may) and it definitely helps that we live in a low circ area (oregon) and everyone in my family except like 1 person is anti circ (and even that family member couldn't find anyone to circ his 2nd ds, YAY) At my midwife's office she has a table with business cards/pamphlets on various topics and there's anti circ literature there. He's pretty much been immersed in an anti-circ culture so I think he knows he has no leg to stand on.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 
no, IMO it isn't up for debate. Just like no one else has to talk to their partner about FGM.


Agreed, it's not for debate, hence leaving the one I couldn't trust.


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## mamanurse (Jan 22, 2006)

My dh and I thought we wouldn't have kids until we conceived dd1 with an IUD in place. When I was pregnant, we didn't even know circ was an issue. MY OB asked if we wanted to circ our baby if it was a boy and I said "Of course."







: I'm of Jewish descent and all the males in my family get circed or have a bris. We are so incredibly lucky dd1 was a girl and not a boy. I would have felt eternally guilty for doing such a thoughtless, permanent, and atrocious thing.

Fast forward a few months when I discovered MDC. I saw a post on "New Posts" in this forum and clicked on it. That's when I started doing research and actually got fairly passionate about it. I was just so apalled that I had never even considered not circing during my first pregnancy. I even did a presentation in nursing school on the reasons to keep baby boys intact.

When I asked dh about circ, he said "Of course we'll circ if we have a boy next. I want our son to look like me."







I presented him with information and he soon decided for himself that we would NEVER circ. I was so proud and happy. He's now even more of an intactivist than me


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## becca_howell (Jan 3, 2009)

*We never brought it up until we started having kids. DH is very unhappy with his circ. He didn't want the same thing happening to his kid, so the more research we did the more we decided that no action is the best action! The more I research, the more horrified I am by circ. I would NEVER allow it to be done to a child!*


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

We didn't discuss it until after we'd had our first child. I was so naive. I didn't know you had a choice. (no flames, please) After we had DD and I started to get more into the natural, gentle lifestyle I learned more about it and we decided to leave our kids intact.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

It just never occured to me that he would want to.


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## bluetoes (May 12, 2007)

It never came up because in our 'world' it would have never been an issue. I met and married DH in Ireland where almost no one is circ'ed. I didn't really even know what was involved. When we moved to the US I understood it as something silly and optional Americans do to their babies and figured if and when we had children we wouldn't bother. It was only when I realised I was having a boy that I researched it was horrified by what it actually entailed. Since then I have very much become and intactivist.

I am presuming I would have done the same sort of research if I'd gotten married to an American. Even then over my dead body would I let that sort of mutliation happen to my child.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I voted n/a because I honestly can't remember exactly when it first happened, we have been together almost 20 years.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

No, I didn't really know much about it and didn't even think about it.
When I was pg I started researching and quickly changed from, its something that everyone does, to why the heck would anyone do that if there's no reason...

Harder discussion to deal with religious reasons, but dh gave in and doesn't have regrets... just not his 'issue'.

Jessica


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

DH and I never talked about it in regards to what we would do because we were NOT having more kids (I came with two, he came with one) I also was deathly afraid of having a child with him because of some family issues.

I got over that and after being together for 5 1/2 years I am pregnant with a boy and this IS becoming an issue. Both of my sons are intact and my DH knew that, but he isnt really open to the idea of his son staying intact. I wish we would have talked about it more before. I don't think I would have not married him, just maybe really considered what it meant to have a child with him. But then again, I was sure we weren't having kids.

I am sure this will be a battle in our home until our son is born. I will win though, I am pretty sure of that


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

No,

I guess I didn't really consider someone really would want to.







A relative of mine was severely circ damaged. We don't circ in my family.

I was shocked when dh thought we would, he admitted he had "no real argument in favor" and we didn't circ our son.


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)

I am another 'other'. On our second date, I asked DH 'are you circ or not?' He was like 'sort of'! And explained his situation. (They tried and failed, he was a preemie, what did they expect?)

So we had the conversation, but not really about what we would do with our children. However, it was resolved pretty easily. We touched on it a little while I was pregnant but not seriously, but then at the hospital, I sat straight up, pointed to the doctor and said "don't circumcise him" as soon as they said 'its a boy!'. After working so hard to free DS from my body, that was that! <3


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

Sort of. Dbf is intact, and happy that he is. He would never dream of going through the procedure himself, and therefore, wouldn't consider doing it to a newborn.


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## njeb (Sep 10, 2002)

No. I already had one intact ds when dh and I started dating. When I was pregnant with our ds, I told dh that I did NOT want to have him circ'ed. His response? "Ok."







Thank goodness it was a total non-issue with him!







He didn't care one way or the other. Yes, he's circ'ed.
So, we ended up with two intact sons!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

No, because I had made up my mind before kids that none of mine would ever undergo a slice-n-dice on their parts. I wouldn't even entertain a circ conversation because it just would not be done.

I married an intact guy who agreed w/ me.


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## herbanmama (Jun 10, 2005)

Yes. I discussed it with my hubby when we decided to start ttc. I don't think he'd ever really thought about it. I showed him a video and enlightened him with some facts, he was horrified, and it was a non-issue even though he is circed.

However, we are now pregnant with a baby girl.









But it's good to know if a boy ever comes along, it's something we agree on beforehand.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Nope I didn't have a specific circ discussion because it wasn't on my radar. However, I did make sure that my partner had similar values as mine, and a lot of those values would preclude routine infant circumcision.


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

We didn't discuss it. We both assumed that it would be done. Until we actually had a son...he's intact. (and trying to eat the mouse)


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## Deacon's Mama (Jan 7, 2009)

No, DH and I didn't really talk about how we would parent at all


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I notice a lot of you are saying you didn't ask as there is no way you would circ, so it wasn't up for debate. I read the op as "did you make sure he was on the same page as you?", not "did you discuss should we or shouldn't we?"


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
I notice a lot of you are saying you didn't ask as there is no way you would circ, so it wasn't up for debate. I read the op as "did you make sure he was on the same page as you?", not "did you discuss should we or shouldn't we?"

But she asked that directly

Quote:

*Did you have the circ conversation before choosing your partner and deciding to have children?*

Just curious. For me it was a topic while dating just as self-sustainability, organic gardening and eating, whether or not to have children, where to live, etc etc.
I didn't have a circ conversation with dh. I didn't consider he would even want to circ. He kind of did but didn't really know why, we discussed it a bit and agreed not to.


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## sadean (Nov 20, 2001)

No, we did not discuss it before hand. My oldest was a surprise baby and we did not find out his sex until he was born. I knew I would not circ regardless and honestly, DH did not have a voice in that decision. I said no, and he said o.k. End of story. Not all decisions at our house are democratically decided. I guess

As to whether we had a discussion while we were dating to ensure we were on the same page, no. Kids were not a huge topic of conversation at the time. We discussed that we would like to have kids someday, but the conversation didn't go beyond that until it was a foregone conclusion.


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

We were only 16 and 17 when we met, so I think we had other things on our minds.









The topic didn't come up until we had been married nearly five years (together 10) and we were already expecting our first. I researched and said no way, he said okay and that was that.


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## SleeplessMommy (Jul 16, 2005)

Since DH is intact and from a religion that discourages circ (Hinduism) ... we did not really need to talk about it -


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
I notice a lot of you are saying you didn't ask as there is no way you would circ, so it wasn't up for debate. I read the op as "did you make sure he was on the same page as you?", not "did you discuss should we or shouldn't we?"

Hm. Well, I didn't make sure we were on the same page because we weren't planning on kids. Once we did decide to have kids, though, we were already on the same page. It wasn't really discussed, it was just the way it worked out.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erinz* 
Just curious. For me it was a topic while dating just as self-sustainability, organic gardening and eating, whether or not to have children, where to live, etc etc.

Heck yes. I knew at the time that my ideas were crazy.









So I brought up everything. Vax, circ, organic/TF, homebirth, u/c, homeschooling, AP, etc.

Hm, well, make that almost everything. I just discovered EC and we talked about that a month ago.

But chances were, what with DH being the most AP/hippy guy I know, he wasn't going to bat an eye over EC.

Of course, he stopped quite adamantly at male lactation.
















Oh and he swore he would never. ever CD. Too many bad experiences w/ siblings!


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Neither of us were even aware back then, eventhough dh is circumcised. We found out together about the fact circumcision is unnecessary and some of the negatives. I then went on to research more and found out how horrific the procedure actually is and why males have foreskin ect (I passed along said info to dh). We were on the same page after finding out though, obviously both against it (to put it mildly).


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

No, we didn't. We were only 18 when we got together, so it wasn't something we were thinking about, and at the time, we we both assumed that circ was the norm anyway. Even while I was pregnant, we had planned to circ "just because". But once I discovered the truth (thanks to a mama online), he agreed after about 2 minutes of reading.







He agrees with most of my decisions and is very easy to convince because he is very logical and doesn't have the macho ego thing going on (*cough* BIL *cough*). And that IS one thing that I loved about him from the beginning.









That being said, I'm single now (though me and the ex live in the same house right now) so in the future, it is definitely something I would bring up to someone before things got too serious. I doubt it will ever be a huge issue though, because I don't tend to be attracted to people that are that stubborn anyway.







So if they didn't change their mind after doing the research that I have, then they aren't the type of person I want to be with.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovesdaffodils* 
Not at all, I had no idea about it really.

Same here. I grew up in the South with fundamentalist parents who did not discuss sex and body parts. I didn't even know that this was an issue until I was pregnant and taking Bradley classes. Thank goodness we did. That convinced the dh and me that this was not needed and cruel.


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## Crystal Pegasus (Jan 24, 2008)

No... never even thought of it, especially as I wasn't planning on having a child.







Nature had other ideas. lol

But, before our son was born, I knew there was no way I was having it done, and he was in perfect agreement... and I waited for them to bring it up at the hospital so I could put across my views loudly







... but they never did. No mention of even any possibility of it being done.

I guess here in Australia, or at least at the time our son was born, it wasn't a standard sort of procedure. Don't know what the situation is like now. But it must have been done fairly routinely done in the past as all of the men I have ever *seen* have been circumcised... except for my brother... and my DH is much the same age.. only a few weeks different... and he is circumcised, so 2 men the same age, one is, one isn't. He was born in a different state though, so maybe that made the difference, or maybe my mum just said no. Maybe I should ask her.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

It simply wasn't on our radar screen -- we started dating in college. I was so completely ignorant about circumcision back then....I'm embarrassed to say that I clearly remember arguing at one point in a class that FGM shouldn't be called female circumcision because, after all, male circumcision is a harmless, even healthy procedure.























It wasn't until I was pregnant with ds that I started researching it (thanks to Mothering) and quickly became an intactivist. Better late than never, and I'm so grateful I found Mothering and CAC!







:

If for some reason dh and I weren't together any more I would want to be with someone who was also an intactivist or at least understood where I come from on the issue....not because I think I'll have any more bio kids (I'm already 40) but because it's such a huge part of my values and moral outlook on life. I don't think I could be with someone who opposed me on this issue.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

DH and I never talked about it. He's cut and I didn't really even think about whether we'd circumcise or not until a very wonderful, uncut friend of mine set me straight. After that it wasn't hard to convince DH--he leaves most of the important baby decisions to me because he knows I spend hours and hours every day doing the research.

Not that it was ever really open for debate; there was no way I was going to let anyone circumcise my son once I realized what it entailed and how unnecessary and barbaric it is.


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## OurGift (Nov 27, 2008)

No, we didn't have the convo before I chose him. Fortunately it turned out just fine. No circ'ing.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:

dp is cut, and he is the first i have "had" that is, and i didn't know what to do with it!
I had to comment because the above is my story entirely and I can't say more because it would be too explicit.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

actually, yes, dh and i, when we were first seriously dating, discussed all the "big" topics-money, work, babies and how they may best be cared for, food. it wasnt like a checklist situation, we just talk(ed) about EVERYTHING









we were/are on the same page. then at age 14/16, now at 29/31. we are with all the biggies. i just can't imagine being with someone who felt differently about the things that i consider to be deal-breakers, like circ. is.

gotta give dh credit here-i was always very radically lefty and progressive about everything, including being anti-circ and anti-interventionist birth (my mama had natural births) but i was a ffed baby, and i never even saw anyone breastfeed in real life before I did it for my own dd. we live in the south, too, so it just wasnt something i saw at all.

Dh was bfed and cd'ed and he was for both of those things when i was very ambivalent/negative about them. through research while preg. w/ our first baby, i came around, and he was/is SO supportive of my crunchy mothering ways. i am very blessed


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

nak

we did, and he was wishy washy. so i didn't have to "fight" hard when DS came along. In fact I had that convo with all 3 of my long term partners. i didn't know a good reason to be anti-circ except that it would hurt my baby, and that was reason enough to be against it. the more i learn, the more horrified i am.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

No, but we were 18 and pregnant when we got married.







:

We disagreed about circumcision. I allowed it with our first son and will always regret it. I put my foot down with our second son, and he is intact. DH never mentions it.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

Nope, it never came up. Homebirth and homeschooling did, as well as what size family we thought was ideal. But circ never even occurred to me, since I just assumed everyone did it and it never crossed my mind to think otherwise. (Same with vaccines.) During my first pregnancy it was one of the things that I came across that we then discussed. Thank goodness for women mentioning it on UC boards, or having links in their signatures to information... otherwise I may never have known that it wasn't some strange fringe idea.


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## graceomalley (Dec 8, 2006)

I voted 'other'. To be honest, our baby wasn't planned and we hadn't had any parenting discussions before we discovered he was on his way (we'd been together for a long time, but we hadn't even discussed having children together).

I just told him I didn't want it done and he said he didn't care either way. After telling him exactly why I didn't want it done he became anti-circ.


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## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

Well I knew before we got together where he stood on the issue. He's intact and at the time we came together as a serious couple I had already had T, who was also intact. So intact father, intact son... it wouldn't really make sense for the rest of our children to be anything but intact.

He did admit to me the first time it actually did come up in conversation (which it does sometimes because I'll get upset by something I read or am told) that he was so glad when he found out that T was intact, because he wasn't sure he would've felt the same about me if I'd circed a child, and that he knew for sure that if we had children together he would put his foot down and say no to it being done to them


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## MyBoysBlue (Apr 27, 2007)

No we didn't discuss it. DH was intact and it just wasn't something we discussed. I can't wrap my mind around why we would have needed to discuss it. To me discussing weather or not we would cut off a healthy part of a hypothetical child just seems silly. It's just not something either of us had been exposed to. No one in our families circed so of course we wouldn't. The only thing either of us knew about circ was that the Jews in the Bible did it.

When we had DS 1 in the hospital the Doctor asked us the day after he was born if we were planning on having him circed. We were both surprised by the question. We both said and emphatic NO. The Doctor said "Good". That was it. We never researched Circ and we never even discussed it, even when I was pregnant.

When we had DS 2 I came here to research UC. People's signatures led me to CAC. That was when I realized what Circ was and how big of a problem it really is. Every now and then I tell DH something I have learned here and we are now both against circ. Not that we weren't before we just now have reasons and knowlege to back us up.


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## MorgnsGrl (Dec 14, 2001)

No, because DH is intact so it never occurred to me that it would be an issue.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

My hubby is intact. I was pretty young when I had my first son... one of the first articles I had read when I was pregnant just stated that it was unnesscisary. I wondered why anyone would put thier kiddo through such a thing, besides religious reasons, and left it at that. I remember in the prenatal class that I was required to take, having the circ discussion.For me it was a no brainer. I was truly shocked when the " locker room" and " looking different than daddy" concerns came up. I was pretty naieve and remember getting all flushed and all in a tizzle inside. Yeah... so for us as a couple with the facts layed out before us, we didn't even question the fact that we werent going to circ.


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## leighann79 (Aug 4, 2005)

I hadn't thought of it at that point. In fact, if DD1 had been a boy, we probably would have circed. I didn't like the idea of it, but didn't have access to the internet and so had no better info than that in the "What to Expect" books. Thankfully I had better info by the the our DS was born.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

We didn't discuss it - DH is intact because his mom couldn't pay for it so didn't bother. We're of a very "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mindset so it was never an issue at all.


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## Haselnuss (Sep 20, 2008)

First husband, no. After having him threaten to circ a boy against my wishes (baby turned out to be a girl), I wasn't about to be put in _that_ position again. 2nd husband is European and intact, though, so it's moot... plus, all my kids are female, so it's doubly moot.

Sometimes I feel like a waste of an intactivist.


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## Poogles0213 (May 18, 2008)

DH and I got together when he was 15 and I was 17, and at the time I was dead-set against ever having kids







DH actually talked me into eventually having kids within the first year of us being together and we both decided we wanted to wait until we were much older before TTC (we're still waiting







: hoping to start end of this year, maybe).

At the time, I was completely oblivious to the whole circ "issue" and just assumed everyone did it and there must be a good reason (I have 3 younger brothers, all circed, and since I practically did all the child-raising for them, I just assumed circ'd was "normal"). Then I caught baby-fever and started reading all baby-related stuff I could get my hands on.







So, of course, I eventually came across MDC and read about circ and what it entails and the "reasons" for doing it, and just couldn't believe so many people don't really understand what it is or why it's completely unnecessary (except in very rare medical cases).

When I approached DH about it, he was opposed at first. A friend of his had a circumcision as an adult due to recurrent infections and other problems, and assumed any intact male would have to deal with those problems (I personally think his friend was probably not really aware of the correct way to care for himself or what is normal for intact penises...either he confused smegma with pus/infections or was suffering long term consequences from a, probably repeatedly, prematurely retracted foreskin). I explained all I had learned and appealed to his logic...and he saw the light. The logic was what really won him over







:


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## DahliaRW (Apr 16, 2005)

I had no idea about circ at all until I was pregnant with my first (and already married). My sis had mentioned circ to me at that point, and I knew I wouldn't do it but wasn't sure what dh thought. On the day we were going to get our "big" u/s (only child we did that with and found out) dh asked if it was a boy what I thought about circ. I said I thought it was unneccesary. He said he agreed and didn't see any point to doing it. SO that was easy. I later researched it a bit and then became a full-fledged intactivist!


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

The circumcision issue didn't even come up on my radar until I started frequenting MDC a couple years after I had dd1. And then when we conceived dd2 we talked about it and I was very adamant that it would not be done if we had a boy and dh said he would just go with whatever I wanted. He doesn't have an opinion on it either way.


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## hakunangovi (Feb 15, 2002)

I have always been really unhappy with my mother's decision to circ, and consequently had brought the subject up with several partners prior to getting married. DW has two intact brothers and three circumcised half brothers and , luckily, was pretty much ambivalent about the issue. At the time that DS was born the circ rate here was about 50%, so at the very first doctors visit I made it clear that if this one was a boy, he was going to keep ALL his parts.


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## Bazile (May 31, 2008)

I voted yes, but that's not entirely accurate. When DH and I first got together, we were in our late teens, and children weren't on the radar. My knowledge of circumcision was my brothers were circ'ed, gym teacher during sex ed telling us that the foreskin is cut off at birth for most boys and has no purpose (she actually compared it to the appendix), and that God had commanded Abraham to circumcise everyone in his family. I assumed that when I had kids, any boys would be circ'ed because that's what you do.
We did discuss it a few months before we got married, and children still weren't on the radar. DH was not circumcised. Though what I know of my MIL, it probably had more to do with finances and not any sort of latent intactivism. DH got it into his head, not from me, that girls don't like uncircumcised penis, and that he needed to get circ'ed. He asked me what I thought, and told him I'd never thought about it. He told me he'd get it done if I wanted him to. I agreed to get back to him. I did a bit of googling and found a site providing Biblical back up to circumcision net being a requirement for Gentile Christians, and a you tube video showing an actual circumcision. Watching that baby cry, I knew that 1) I didn't want DH to have it done just for me, and 2) there was not way I was ever going to do that to a child.
I told this to DH, and sent him the video link. He agreed he didn't really want it done to anyone, and especially not to himself.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

No...neither of us thought about it much before I got pregnant and started reading about it. Thankfully I was able to bring DH on board once I realized how awful circ is, and we were in agreement long before our son was born.

We did discuss a lot of other parenting issues, though, for which I'm very thankful today. I talked with him about wanting to be a SAHM, and he was skeptical at first but warmed up to the idea before we were engaged- for me it was a dealbreaker. And we talked about discipline styles and stuff.


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## wild fire child (Jun 25, 2008)

We didn't talk about it specifically before moving in together, but we both kind of knew each other's stance. When we got pregnant he decided that he didn't even want to talk about it, if we had a boy I would just get to make all decisions regarding health. He knows I will not back down, but he doesn't want to back down either so he'll just leave it up to me to avoid confrontation.
It does bother me a bit that he's in favor of circ, but as long as it doesn't affect our children or cause arguments between us, I'll leave it be.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Nope, it never even crossed my mind. I feel very lucky that a) circ isn't routinely done in NZ, so we wouldn't have been offered it at the hospital, b) I married a guy who turned out to be as anti-circ as I am after I gave him the facts, and c) I learned about circ before the in-laws blithely informed us we'd 'have' to circ a boy because the males on their side of the family end to get UTIs (!!!).

Then we had a girl anyway, so.









Knowing what I know now, I couldn't have married DH if he'd been pro-circ. But I like to think I gauged his character and his opinions on other issues pretty well before we got married, so you could say it was an 'educated guess' that he'd be anti-circ. Sort of like I never actually asked him his position on genocide either, but can confidently assume he's agin it! Now if I were to marry again, you bet I'd find out the other person's position. I told my sister to make sure of her boyfriend's position on the matter, so she did and he agrees with her (albeit in a less impassioned way, mixed with a bit of 'what a weird question to ask'... oh well).


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## LilMamiBella (Nov 13, 2002)

Well I didn't need to since Dh is intact.


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## MisaGoat (Jul 10, 2006)

No, but my husband is intact so we were in agreement. I don't remember having a conversation about it though.

I do remember early on deciding I wouldn't do it to my sons. I remember my aunt telling me about when her boys had it done and how she cried and felt bad (but still did it and also her second son). I didn't understand why you would do it and I still don't.

I also remember having the conversation about why my husband and 2 previous boyfriends weren't,(in the US I managed to find more men that were intact, go figure). It is interesting the reasons why they weren't one bf's mom said he was born with it why would i cut it off, another was born in europe and my husband wasn't done because his dad had a botched one that needed to be repaired as an adult (don't ask me for details on what happened because that is all I know, I can't really ask my FIL about his penis). My FIL is very much against circ so there really wasn't any conflict about this issue for us.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I voted other, because I can't remember. I'm pretty sure I said in passing at some point, "Yeah, not gonna do that!" but I can't remember for sure. Dh is circ'd, but it was never an issue for him.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I did not talk about it with my child's father til I was pregnant, at that time I was content to leave the decision to him and had no idea, nor did I care, either way. Thankfully he was intact and anti-circ, and taught me about the issue, then I did some reading on my own etc. I can easily see how mamas might not know it matters until they are pregnant.


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## Triciabn (Nov 6, 2005)

By "having a conversation"...you mean I told him there wasn't a chance in hell that I would ever circ another baby of mine (already had one son when I got married)....then : "yes we had a conversation".
I know I clued him in.... and I don't recall hearing or caring what he said...so he must have nodded out of fear of hearing a tirade.
Tricia


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I marked but no but that is only 1/2 true......

I have been married twice.

With my first marriage it was something that never crossed my mind. I really didn't know what it was until I had my son. My mom told me to not do it with a plasti-bel if it was a boy. I asked my doctor if it was necessary and he said no. So it wasn't done.

It wasn't until later did I learn all about circ and why it would NOT happen to my child.

I did discuss it with my second husband. He was on board with my decission but didn't become against it until he learned a little more.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I haven't read anything but the first question.

There was never a conversation with my ex. When I was pregnant with ds1, we went to a prenatal class. They were showing a bunch of pictures of various typical newborn features ("baby zits", stork bites, etc.), including an intact and circ'd penis. I looked at the circ'd penis, and said "someone tries to do that to my baby, and they'll have to kill me first". I have no idea if he agreed or not, but he never argued.

When I got together with dh, I was pretty sure I couldn't have any more children. We did discuss circ briefly, though. I told him that ds1 was intact, and that no child of mine would ever be circ'd. He thinks I'm way over the top about it, but I don't care - he didn't try to fight me on it.


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## tpintsch (Jun 26, 2008)

I guess I'm in the minority with my yes answer. My intact son was 2 when I met DH. I researched the circ issue when I was pregnant with him and came to the conclusion that I would NOT being having my son cut. When DH and I were dating and things started getting serious I told him that I would never have any of my sons circumsized and that if he wanted to eventually have children with me he would have to agree. He was quite suprised about it, but agreed.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

No, both our girls were surprises!

However, both my brothers & my dad are intact - and so is dh.

The circ discussion never came up, because it's not common AT ALL in my circle of friends & family.

I'm in Canada FWIW.


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## mamabens (Aug 23, 2006)

No we didn't have the discussion beforehand. HOnestly we had 2 kids before I ever researched it enough to know I wouldn't do that to my child. Before, I jsut thought it was what you did. I discussed it with DH & at first he said he definitely wanted it done, but after showing him my research & telling him what I found he's definitely against it now. Why disfigure a perfect little boy?


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

I voted "yes" because we did talk about it when we were dating. I think I would have been pretty clueless about the issue since I was only 17 when we met and it was the 80s when circ was the norm and the internet was still a dream, but I had some cool neighbors who had a little boy and left him intact. I'm not certain, but I really think she must have been a Mothering subscriber...no circ, extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, natural childbirthing, etc all back when it wasn't so cool.

Anyway, I was very close with the family and helped with and babysat the boy a lot basically from birth so it just seemed very normal and natural to me that he was intact. Having seen him, I could never imagine circ'ing my own son. My then bf now dh knew the little boy too. We decided we would never circ our son if we ever had one. It just took us another 20 years to actually one.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

I'm not a parent and am currently single, but my last relationship actually rapidly ended after my then boyfriend waged a bitter war against my intactivism. I told him that someone would have to pry my kids out of my cold, dead hands to circ. Needless to say, two days later it ended. However, yes, I would certainly discuss my feelings before marriage/children, whichever comes first.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

I mentioned it on the first date. Sometimes prior to the first date on the phone. I prefer an intact penis anyway. DF is intact, but his son is circed. He was not given an option and was ignorant about it prior to meeting me.

I told him how I felt and we watched the video and I showed him the research and articles and he agreed and felt really bad for his son.

I could also not be with anyone who was presented with information and still doesn't see it is wrong. I have met men like that and to me, that is just plain stubbornness and ignorance.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kaylabeanie* 
i'm not a parent and am currently single, but my last relationship actually rapidly ended after my then boyfriend waged a bitter war against my intactivism. I told him that someone would have to pry my kids out of my cold, dead hands to circ. Needless to say, two days later it ended. However, yes, i would certainly discuss my feelings before marriage/children, whichever comes first.


good for u!


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Haselnuss* 
First husband, no. After having him threaten to circ a boy against my wishes (baby turned out to be a girl), I wasn't about to be put in _that_ position again. 2nd husband is European and intact, though, so it's moot... plus, all my kids are female, so it's doubly moot.

Sometimes I feel like a waste of an intactivist.









I feel that way too! LOL I hope this baby is a boy so I can leave him intact and be proud of that.

You are not a waste though. Anyone who fights for a human beings rights is not a waste!


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## akaisha (Apr 14, 2008)

i said yes, because we did talk about it, but he's intact so it wasn't really an issue.

that said, i would never ever even consider having children with someone who would circ, so it's absolutely a conversation i would have if i wasn't with my current DP.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

When I got pregnant with my son (highschool boyfriend), it was just assumed that I would circ my son, because everyone I knew was, so it didn't really come up, it was just DONE.









I didn't discuss it with my Husband (married 4 years, dating 4 years before that, probably won't have any more kids, but I can always hope) before we married or before we dated, because I didn't really know all the details. I knew more than I did 13 years ago when my son was born, but not exactly how much damage it does. In all honesty, if I'd had a son 3 or 4 years ago, he probably would have been circed because of his brother and Dad and I would have thought insisting on general anesthesia and thought that would take care of it.







: And then I found MDC... Anyways, my Hubby doesn't want any more kids, so it's probably a moot point, but I've told him, if, for some reason we ever have a son, there will be no circing. Over my dead body!


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

I didn't discuss it with DH before getting married but it was something we "discussed"







: and I then decided we would not ttc until we agreed not to circumcise. We had our "discussion" about 3-4 years into our marriage but didn't ttc until a few years after that (we agreed on circumcision long before ttc, he just wasn't ready).

I didn't vote because there wasn't an answer that totally applied.


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## perspective (Nov 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaturalMindedMomma* 
I mentioned it on the first date. Sometimes prior to the first date on the phone. I prefer an intact penis anyway. DF is intact, but his son is circed. He was not given an option and was ignorant about it prior to meeting me.

I told him how I felt and we watched the video and I showed him the research and articles and he agreed and felt really bad for his son.

I could also not be with anyone who was presented with information and still doesn't see it is wrong. I have met men like that and to me, that is just plain stubbornness and ignorance.

Wait, if your husband is intact why would he circ his own son? If he knew he was fine, I cant imagine someone convinced him of any the myths.


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## njeb (Sep 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *perspective* 
Wait, if your husband is intact why would he circ his own son? If he knew he was fine, I cant imagine someone convinced him of any the myths.

Remember, a whole generation of intact men was persuaded to circ. their sons in the mid 20th century.







The doctors of the era were treated like gods; everything they said was considered gospel. So, if he said to circ, you had your ds circ'ed.

This intact father might think that he was one of the "lucky ones" who had escaped the "evils of the foreskin." Or maybe he was left intact because his parents were too poor to have him circumcised. I suspect that is why my brother, born in the 1940's, is intact.

He could be intact, but he could still believe all the myths out there.


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## smeep (May 12, 2006)

Being the intactivist it's come up many times, pretty much once we got serious. He was as uneducated on the subject as most (he's circ'd) but now he knows where I stand and is a little more educated. I told him that I will NOT let any of my children be circ'd, end of story, and he seems cool with it. (DS is not biologically his and we are waiting to have more children together just yet.)


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *perspective* 
Wait, if your husband is intact why would he circ his own son? If he knew he was fine, I cant imagine someone convinced him of any the myths.

He didn't even know what Circ meant. He was unaware that he was uncircumcised. He was ignorant to the difference and was embarrassed to admit it. His son is 6 and when his ex wife got pregnant, she was told it was cleaner, she made the decision, he didn't think he even had a choice. He didn't even know what was involved. When Iexplained it to him and he watched the video and explained what he took away from his son, he was SO sorry. He immediatly started researching and found out about restoration. He plans to talk to his son about it and hopefully my DSS will decide to restore.

Unfortunatly, as he was getting in the shower (DSS) the other night I looked at it briefly and it is HORRIBLE. Tons of scar tissue and a huge ridge. Very tight as well. It pulls and itches him and hurts him all the time.

Df was horrified when he finally learned the difference.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

My DF was also uncirced because he was an extreme preemie. His mom did not want to chance it with him. But his younger brother "had" to be circed due to an infection. She had never talked about any of this with Jose. He actually thought he WAS circumcised. I know that sounds crazy, but I get the feeling sex and genetalia are very privatized in his family becasue of the severe sexual molestation that occured. I dont pry, because it is a sensitive subject.


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

No. It wasn't even on my radar at that point.


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## rere (Apr 21, 2005)

Well,my husband and I were in high school when we started dating so we didn't talk about it before we started dating but we did talk about it before we got married and had kids.I'm not even really sure when though.He's against it so all our conversations are about why would someone do that?


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## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
I voted no because my dh and started dating when we were 16 and wasn't something I ever even thought about! I don't think we discussed it until I was pregnant and I said "i don't want to circ" and dh said "okay, sounds fine with me"

lol end of discussion!

That's pretty much my story too.


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## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

I voted n/a since I wanted to put yes for one and no for the other. With the kids' dad, I did NOT bring it up beforehand. I was already passionately against it, but I guess I just assumed I'd win the argument?







We did end up fighting about it but in the end I just said "it's not your decision and I'm not signing the consent form". He was pissed off for a while but he came around and he's even thanked me a few times for being strong and standing up to him!









I'm getting divorced though and I have a BF. This is someone I've known a very long time and we used to date when we were younger. We don't know what will happen eventually. At this point, even if we get married, we aren't planning on kids. But I brought it up anyway. I told him very early on that I was against circ. He was a bit shocked and I had to dispel all the myths he'd been fed through the years.







He still didn't "get it" until I said, "You know what? It's HIS penis. Shouldn't he be the one who decides how he wants it to look?" It was like a light bulb went off over his head. He has no issue being circ'ed and it never occured to him that anyone WOULD have an issue.

I'm glad I brought it up already. It's very important to me not to have to go through that fight again, even though it all worked out the first time. It was very emotional and hard for me.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

The way circ was done years ago was horrifying. My mom didn't even know what it was when she had my brother. Her ex-husband (brother's dad) was intact, and mom had never been with anyone else. When the nurse asked her to sign the form - not even really discussing that it was a permission form, as it was just presented as a a routine form to sign - mom asked her what it was. When she was told, she didn't think that sounded right, and felt that if her son had a foreskin, he was supposed to have a foreskin. So, my big brother is intact. He was born in '63, and I don't get the feeling that too many of his contemporaries (or mine, for that matter) were left intact around here. I believe we now have a circ rate of 10%, but it was much higher back then.


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erinz* 
Just curious. For me it was a topic while dating just as self-sustainability, organic gardening and eating, whether or not to have children, where to live, etc etc.

It was definitely part of my decision to have children with DH (we are both anti-circ). I feel so strongly about this subject that I wouldn't have wanted to have children with somebody that would want to do that to them.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

Circ wasn't even a blip on my radar when DH and I met and married. I had honestly never given circ any real thought. I didn't even know what it was beyond it being something about cutting off "extra skin." I was so clueless that when I saw "The Case Aginst Circ" board here I wondered if there was some kind of class action lawsuit or something. It never occurred to me that circ was something people would be against all together.

So I clicked and started reading. Since I was pregnant and didn't know the sex of the baby I wanted to know #1 What circ was. #2WHy it was done. and #3 Why people would be against it. It took maybe 2 hours of reading and researching to decide that I was never, not ever going to allow that to be done to my children. I was all fired up and marched into DH's home office and announced that if this baby was a boy he would no be circed. Dh looked surprised and somewhat confused and said "uhh, ok. Fine with me."

Then we had DD.


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

I met my DH when I was a teenager, so that'd be a heck no.

However, my Dad and brother are intact, so even if my future partner ended up being cut, it wouldn't have changed my perspective much. I came to the decision on my own about whether to circumsize my son. DH was on board, of course, as he is intact, but even if he were not on board... too bad. When it comes to cutting off useful body parts, I'm okay with disagreement in a marriage.


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## groovynaturemama (Mar 8, 2007)

i voted no b/c we never discussed having children, let alone circ. it just so happened that we got pregnant 4 months after we started dating and then was it up for discussion (as was homebirth, cd, breastfeeding, etc.). it ended up that we were on the same page about all of it after some research







even though dh is circ'ed, it took minimal articles, and less than the first 10 minutes of the penn and teller video to decide that he wanted to keep our son (if we had one) intact.

i have to say that if we had not been on the same page (ie: he wanted to circ), i'd still insist that we not circ, and not consent to it no matter how hard he pushed. in fact, it would be a deal breaker if i found myself fighting with him about cutting a part off of my perfect little baby.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

we met as teens so i didn't even know it was an issue. he is intact though, so there was never a worry.


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## treetop (Jul 9, 2008)

We never discussed it until this pregnancy (my second). I had never considered it an option until one of the more recent Mothering magazines was sent to me. YIKES! I showed it to my DH and we both agreed that, if we have a son, he would remain intact. If our son would like to be circumcised when he is older than we would support him 100%.


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

I think both my partner and I had discussed EVERYTHING under the sun, even before we had sex, let alone committed out lives to one another and decided to try for a baby.

Our first few dates were more interviews, with both of us taking the other's inventory and trying to find the red flags. We spoke all the way from politics to personal goals to circumcision to parenting.

I think I fell in love with him then - when I knew he was as serious and rational at taking my inventory as I was his.


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## beatnikbean (Aug 27, 2004)

I hate to admit this, but when I was pregnant with DS #1, _I_ was the one who wanted to circ. DH is intact and although it didn't gross me out or anything (I'm not one of those!), I was concerned about DS being ashamed, teased, etc. Finally I realized it would be better to err on the side of staying intact. I said if DS ever wants it down the line, we would pay for it. Shortly after he was born, he was injured by his pediatrician multiple times who forcibly retracted his foreskin each appointment. I had NO idea it was wrong, but I knew DS was in pain. So then I started researching. I was appalled by what I discovered. I felt like an uneducated idiot. Thank goodness DH insisted on keeping him intact. Second DS is intact as well.

Years later DS #1 had to be circ'd for multiple (as in MANY) instinces of paraphimosis. It was horrible to experience and scary that he almost lost function of his goods. So we choose circ. The Urologist said the pediatrician who first injured him was at fault.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, I never even thought to discuss these things when dating.


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## Night_Nurse (Nov 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beatnikbean* 
The Urologist said the pediatrician who first injured him was at fault.

That is so sad. I hope you took the time to write the pediatrician who did this and tell him or her what they did.


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## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

It was on the list of questions I wanted to know the answers to before I'd agree to marry. I grew up with a very anti-circ father who was very vocal about it, so I had a clue, but not a full clue until I started researching it myself while pregnant the first time.


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## jenP (Aug 22, 2002)

I didn't even know what circumcision WAS before I got pregnant! Oh, I was vaguely aware that some men had this thing called a foreskin and that Jewish people cut it off for religious reasons... but since my Jewish boyfriends looked EXACTLY like the non-Jewish ones I figured this foreskin thing must be really small and insignificant...
So glad I met some European and South American mamas who got me interested enough to really look into the matter! DH was on board as soon as I described the procedure to him. He had no idea what had been done to him.

Jen


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