# teen still wetting the bed.....WWYD???



## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

My niece lives with us...has on and off (mostly on the last 4 years) since she was 5. Long story short, she still wets most nights...and is heck to get to clean up after herself , at 13 years old.
she leaves wet pull ups in the bathroom and her bedroom....she leaves wet sheets and blankets on the bed....
she has started her AF and now I still find pullups in the bathroom after she leaves for school.....and now its getting more gross!
Please tell me what to do?? everyone says I am too hard on her already...but she doesn't listen to anything I say!
she runs to her grandfather for everything ...and lies to people about how horrible I am....








I feel defeated and unappreciated and disrepected by her almost all the time....and I just can't take the cleaning up after wet and AF pullups....please help.


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## acannon (Nov 21, 2007)

I'm not quite sure *exactly* what to say, because I personally don't have any experience in this, but there might be a psychological reason why she's wetting the bed. Is she having bad dreams? Drinking a lot of liquids at night? Sleeps too soundly to wake up to go to the bathroom? Those are, from what I've heard, the most common reasons for wetting the bed. I would talk to her about it and ask her if those things are happening. I noticed that she's your niece. The reason for her wetting the bed *might* have something to do with her coming to live with you, however that happened. You could ask her grandfather about it and see if she talks to him about it at all, too, since she confides in him. HTH. Like I said, I'm not too knowledgeable about this.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

Besides anything psychological that may or may not be going on, there ARE physical reasons that she could be doing so and you may want to have a doctor look into it (anything from sleeping TOO deeply and not able to wake herself up, to bladder problems/shortened urethras, etc.)


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

My son was still wetting the bed occasionally at 5 or 6, and we took him to the doctor to make sure there was no physiological reason for it (there wasn't). Within 6 months he stopped - he outgrew it.

Since girls typically do not wet the bed into their teen years, my first concern would be a full medical checkup, to determine if there is an underlying physical cause.

Next I wonder how SHE feels about it. You talked a lot about how this affects you, but not her. Is she interested in staying dry at night, or does she not seem to care?

I get the impression that you don't have a terrific relationship with your niece. Is this part of an on-going power struggle? If so, I think you might need to concentrate on that, and treat the bedwetting (and refusal to deal with it) as a symptom, rather than the main problem.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

My son wet until around 12. It is genetic and usually is outgrown. It takes a lot of patience and lots of washing sheets. The biggest help was a thick mattress pad from Vermont County Store. I think being positive and supportive and not shaming is the best . Sallie


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

my problem is not only with this issue...but with everything I ask of her....
I only really at this time want her to be responsible for her own pullups in the morning and AF pads when necessary. She hasn't so far....and I'm very tired of cleaning it up.
she seems very uninterested in dealing with the issue and she has been checked by a doctor.
she does have another appt next week.....so we'll see what the doc says then.
in the meantime....How do I deal with her leaving her messes for me to clean up? I was okay when she was 5, 6, even 7 , but now its gone on long enough.
I am finding pullups with menstrual flow(yes, I am aware of when she started if there is any question) and Its gross.
She is not interested in doing anything I say to begin with...and even less so now.
she wants to live with her grandfather...because he lets her do pretty much anything....and she has had a rough go of it in her 13 years. But I have done my best to bring her into this family and treat her equally , even though she continues to fight and disrespect me at every turn.
She lies....and manipulates everyone.
its getting so i resen t having her here , sometimes...








please any more advice??
please understand , I am not shaming her for the wetting at all....that i am very understanding about...its leaving gross pullups on the bathroom floor so i step on them when I get up to go to the bathroom in the morning....and having to smell her bedroom like pee and then realize she didn't change / wash her sheets.
someone tell me why???
she also up until recently , would sit in a wet pullup after getting up (on weekends usually...and have to be reminded to remove it) and even pee in it and then change to get a new one before she actually fell asleep!
it seems like laziness , although I really hate the word lazy...and try very hard to never , ever say it.....
I just don't understand...


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## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

Put a plastic bag on her bed and dump them back on her bed...at least the mess will be contained in her room, and hopefully she'll eventually start to clean in up. Some people (even apparently normal people) don't appear to care how filthy they or their living quarters are, for some reason that most of us can't fathom. As far as getting her to clean up after herself, well, you need to make it very clear to her that she is expected to clean up after herself, and if that doesn't happen, there will be consequences. I don't have a child that age so I can't give you any suggestions, but I would imagine taking away whatever is most important to her would be pretty effective. Or, if she responds well to positive reinforcement, then institute some sort of a reward system if she cleans up after herself for so long a period of time.

Food intolerances can cause bed wetting, so that might be something to look into if she has any other symptoms. Although if she's not very cooperative I can't imagine you'd have much luck getting her to follow any sort of special diet.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

its most likely not a food intolerance....
I am going to take away her getting her hair braided. she was supposed to get her hair done...which is very important to her....and until she can be consistant about cleaning up after herself, no getting her hair done.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

oh and she shares a room w/ my daughter.....so leaving the pullups in her room makes the room smell.....and I feel thats unfair to my dd.


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## Snowflower (Dec 19, 2007)

Whoa.







Sounds like you are really a mama to all! Maybe a 'heart to heart' could help? Sometimes when there is issues I have to just sit down and hash it out, you know? I wonder if she did go live with grandpa if she would clean up after herself. Would she be too emberassed (sp?) to leave the mess for him?


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

I don't have a teen, but I peak in this forum sometimes and came across this thread, so I hope you dont mind me posting.

I was just wondering why she is still wearing pullups at 13? I realize it may help the cleanup aspect, but I would be causious about that. Especially if (and I think I understood this correctly) she is peeing in the pullups BEFORE she goes to sleep at night on ocasion. That sounds to me like quite a deeper routed issue than just bedwetting. This could be psychological. It could be a cry for attention, or to be babied. Has this been ongoing since potty training years, or something that just recently popped up??

I agree there can be lots of physical reasons for bed wetting. Sleep apnia, or heavy sleeping, a sphinkter problem, bladder infections, urithra blockage, etc.... What does her doctor say about this? Typically teen or adult bed wetting is reason for concern. GL


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I agree with putting them in a plastic bag and putting them back in her bed.

Then when she comes in from school, tell her to go make her bed, first thing every day. She can't eat snack, lay down, do her homework til she's cleaned up her mess.

Wetting the bed is (IMO) a separate issue. I can't even begin to have suggestions for that, because I don't understand it.

But, keeping some general cleanliness is something entirely different.

You should make it convenient for her though. You could buy a larger trash can with a lid for her to use (and empty every two days or so)

You can help her double sheet her bed. Put one waterproof pad on the bed. (the crib size pads are good) then make the bed. Then put another waterproof pad on that, and another set of bedding over the first. That way, she can pull the top sheets off and put them in a large laundry basket that is next to her bed.

If she is doing most of the work, maybe you can offer to wash her sheets for a while.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

she has all those conveniences.
trashbags , garbage can, waterproof mat, waterproof pad....extra sheets available without asking for them....the know how to wash her own stuff in the machine....all of it.
she has always wet the bed...since she was little...she never makes it through the night...or rarely. Her doctor has done a work up.....and found nothing.


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## kwg (Oct 3, 2007)

nak-----

it sounds hard...........










why is she in pull ups? im not saying i agree or not, im just wondering.

if it were me and there was nothing physically wrong, i would consult a therapist. it just doesn't sound very healthy to me. have you tried that?

about cleaning up, i dont see why she cant do that. i would have her morning and afternoon chores listed w/those things included and there would be consequenes if it wasnt done. is it bc she wants to live w/ her grandfather? does she not clean up there?


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

This sounds like it is a psycholgical issue to me (especially the messiness). I would make an appointment with a psychologist and get started with therapy in addition to ruling out all physical/medical causes of the actual bedwetting. I've worked with teenagers who bed wet, and it isn't an easy thing to treat, so I'd start now.


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## Julz6871 (Jun 14, 2006)

Yeah, it sounds psychological. Has she ever been sexually abused? That is a pretty common side effect of abuse.

You may also want to rule out a physical condition like overactive bladder, or eliminate liquids after a certain time.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

she wears pullups because she wants to....i guess....and it seemed to make sense....I am wondering if maybe she should just wear regular underwear ? maybe that will train her to not sleep so heavily?
weird is...she is up on time by herself and such when she wants to be....but not when there isn't something pressing she wants to do....so i'm thinking its mostly lazy(as much as I hate that word)
I told her 21 days in a row she had to take care of her stuff...and if she does it straight 21 days....(hopefully it will be a habit by then) she can get her hair done.
she was furious...but seriously...so am I to be cleaning up after a 13 yo personal products.
so....anyhow....I am pretty sure they checked most of the issues (physiological) and she's fine.
we'll see how it goes next appt.
as far as sexual abuse...not sure....its possible...for 5 years she lived with her granmother and a bunch of foster kids....and her dad on and off.
i am beginning to wonder.


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## MammaB21 (Oct 30, 2007)

It sounds to me like the messiness, the bedwetting, the wanting to wear pull ups, is all psychologically stemming from the same issue. To me, it all is in a category of being taken care of. Its not like she _cant_ do it herself, but would rather have the comforting feeling of having someone there to do it for her. ykwim? Maybe it is coming from her moving around so much. 'hugs' to you and your family. Hopefully she can get some help from a psychologist.


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

it sounds like there is something deeper is going on have you taken her to a therapist or counselor?


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## kwg (Oct 3, 2007)

"..I am wondering if maybe she should just wear regular underwear ? maybe that will train her to not sleep so heavily?"








i was wondering that too. maybe pull ups have become something she is used to? does she want to change and not wear them or is she happy to wear them?

when you take her to the doc they should be able to give you a referral for a therapist if you are interested in that. when my dsd moved in w/ us she did not have some basic self care skills. it was very frustrating.......we finally took her to see a counselor for other reasons but it ended up helping us w/those also. she was interested in going though- that helps a lot. for us she liked the thought of having someone who would listen to her side, etc. and she was not choosing sides between her mom and dad. it was good i think.








s to you and to her.....sounds like she has been through a lot

ETA I think that having her pick up after herself before she gets her hair done or whatever is a good idea. maybe once she has a reason she will pay more attention. it *might* (but i hope not!) be hard for her to do it for 21 days ......I am not sure. on the one hand, what you are asking is not at all too hard. on the other hand if she isnt used to doing it or slips up one day........i dont know. just thinking out loud.......


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## flminivanmama (Nov 21, 2001)

this definitely sounds like a different issue than mine - probably psychological like others have said....

but I just wanted to post that I wet the bed till I was a teenager. I simply slept too deeply to get up. my parents finally, in desperation, tried one of those alarms. it's a pad that goes under your sheet and the instant it gets wet it goes off - very loud. in the beginning it didn't wake me - but it woke everyone else haha - and they helped make sure I got up. after a week or so it worked - I really don't think we needed to use it more than 3 weeks - I have to ask my mom if she remembers.

there have been, believe it or not, a handful of times I have wet the bed since then - but thankfully VERY few and far between.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I think it's fine to offer a reward for her cleaning up after herself but as a behavioral therapist, I want to urge you to rethink 21 days as a first target. That's a LLLOOOONNNNGGG time to get anyone to change a habit, particularly one so ingrained with psychological issues. It takes me longer than that to remember to take any new asthma meds I might have. And I'm 30 and want to take them.

I fear you are setting her up for failure. And to encourage new behavior, it's essential to make the first steps easy and slowly increase the difficulty so that a person has success at first and continues to have success with more and more work on their part. If I were setting up a program with you, I would suggest finding smaller rewards after something like first 3 days of cleaning in a row, then 5, then 7, then 10, then 14, etc. with a big one at day 21.


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mothertoall* 
my problem is not only with this issue...but with everything I ask of her....
I only really at this time want her to be responsible for her own pullups in the morning and AF pads when necessary. She hasn't so far....and I'm very tired of cleaning it up.
she seems very uninterested in dealing with the issue and she has been checked by a doctor.
she does have another appt next week.....so we'll see what the doc says then.
in the meantime....How do I deal with her leaving her messes for me to clean up? I was okay when she was 5, 6, even 7 , but now its gone on long enough.
I am finding pullups with menstrual flow(yes, I am aware of when she started if there is any question) and Its gross.
She is not interested in doing anything I say to begin with...and even less so now.
she wants to live with her grandfather...because he lets her do pretty much anything....and she has had a rough go of it in her 13 years. But I have done my best to bring her into this family and treat her equally , even though she continues to fight and disrespect me at every turn.
She lies....and manipulates everyone.
its getting so i resen t having her here , sometimes...








please any more advice??
please understand , I am not shaming her for the wetting at all....that i am very understanding about...its leaving gross pullups on the bathroom floor so i step on them when I get up to go to the bathroom in the morning....and having to smell her bedroom like pee and then realize she didn't change / wash her sheets.
someone tell me why???
she also up until recently , would sit in a wet pullup after getting up (on weekends usually...and have to be reminded to remove it) and even pee in it and then change to get a new one before she actually fell asleep!
it seems like laziness , although I really hate the word lazy...and try very hard to never , ever say it.....
I just don't understand...

quick question....

What's the difference in picking up a pull up with piss in it and picking up a pull up with piss and blood in it. It's pretty gross both ways. But I don't think you have to touch the blood or pee in order to pick it up. Right? So either way, you're just picking up a soggy diaper.

Is the complaint that you have to pick it up at all? That is totally understandable. I would leave it until she picks it up. Or tell her that she can't watch TV until her room and bath are straight. Or something.

Also, I personally wouldn't worry about the bed wetting. I know she seems old - but I was old before I stopped. I actually had to have my bladder stretched because I just couldn't hold it. There are alarms you can wear that help.

Is she wetting every night? I would personally let her wet without a pull up. It may jolt her awake when she realizes she is wet. I think the pull up just masks it. She needs to be woken up while it is happening so that she can start correcting. That is pretty much what the alarms do.

This girl is dealing with a lot. I feel for her and think that perhaps there are other ways to help. It has to bother her that she is 13 and wears a diaper......


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

she leaves it early in the morning before I get up usually or after I have been to the bathroom but before I go back in(she has already left) I am not leaving it there all day. She has to do it...every morning .
while i understand what everyone is saying.....I have to find something that works.....her pattern is to not hear a word I say...and do nothing I say. Ever , and when she gets consequences....she just doesn't care...and she tells me.
so...this is where i am at.....I feel resentful for her being this way,. alot.
yes, its every night.....and yes...we will be going without pullups from now on.....hopefully, it helps.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

Not sure whether no-pull-ups will solve the wettig problem or not, but it *will* help the issue of not having to step on soggy smelly pull-ups. If she doesn't change the sheets after she pees the bed, who suffers? She needs to have 'natural' consequences that will make sense in her world. Does she have friends over to play? Does she have sleepovers with friends? Those are good reasons to learn better hygeine. Perhaps encouraging that might be a step in that direction.

I completely understand when you say you resent her - it's not the her in that ethereal, spirit sense, but the her in the soggy smelly diapers on the floor sense! For her, though, does she pick up on that attitude and feel like an outsider? Does she need more than she can get from you (becuase you two are in a bad cycle!), and is she pushing you harder and harder to get it?

My guess is that what she's doing here is forcing you to choose between her bad behaviours and HER. If she believes that you will love her no matter what, if she gets that in it's entirety, she will probably start to work on these issues herself (which is the only way that she will get better about them - nothing you are asking for is all that hard lol!). Her seemingly lazy behaviour may really be a call, a pecking so to speak, so that you pay attention to her in ways that she wants (right now those seem like negative things - asking her to do things, expecting her to be better at stuff than she is etc.) - do you guys do dates together? Movies, shopping, bowling/arcade? Kids need to feeeeeel connected (not intellectually know that you are caring for her, but FEEL cared for). You two need to change tracks. Since you are the adult, you will have to do it first.

I recommend reading Children are from Heaven (by the Men are from Mars Women are from Venus fella), and also How to Talk so your kids Listen. Both of them should be in your local library system. They may have more ideas about how to speak with her so that she listens and respects you more. I HATE not being listened to - it would drive me nuts having to live with someone who so blatently disrespected my needs and rules.

I think you are doing an amazing thing, raising this child as your own. Now treat her as if she's your own - there is no where else for her to go. Clearly in her place getting to go live with a guardian who sets no boundaries would not do her justice. (on that note - can you set up a vacation time where she does go and live w/her g'dad? Would that be safe for her? Would he begin to understand how difficult she is?)

No matter what, she needs your unconditional (ie: even with her smelly diapers on the floor, sullen, know it all teen routine) love, your acceptance, and your patience. I can only imagine how incredibly trying and hard this is/will be for you both, but if you can start on a new path with her, it will at least be your very best effort at getting her to be a responsible person, a young woman with principles that you respect, etc.

As far as the 21 days goes? I dunno - maybe you and she can make up a chart of the things she needs to be doing every morning - if you do it together she will be clearer about what it is you expect in a way that isn't a shouting match kind of thing? Then you can set up rewards with her too - if she wants new music, she can get one CD after every 6 days of getting the stuff done you need her to do, and after 3 weeks of that, she can get her hair done? So that there are small, meaningful rewards to help her along the way, yk?

No matter how hard her background was, where she is now doesn't have to be hard, and she can and will learn how to do the things you expect ALL your children to do as young adults.







Hang in there mama - in a few short years you will hopefully look back on all this with a tremendous sigh of relief for having helped her through, learned so much about raising kids, and having survived teen-hood together.

hth?

andy


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

I guess here goes all of my dignity, but I did wet the bed a few times as a teen. I had emotional issues with a torn household. Add in a small bladder anyways, and it was very embarrassing.

It sounds like your niece needs counselling and maybe an OBGYN visit. I would calmly and nicely try to explain things to her each time she leaves stuff out and show her how to do it. This can be very embarrassing for her.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

I have spoken to her....very calmly...I have explained to her between my own tears as well....that we have to find a way to make this work.....
problem w/ staying w/ grandpa is her babies her beyond words...and she can do no wrong....he is a horrid pushover who sets no rules or boundaries and she knows how to push his buttons and get whatever she wants...staying w/ him is what she wants and its because it will benefit her so much.
I'm just tired mamas.......I try to spend time with her and it always ends with her asking for things I cannot afford and her bounding off in a huff.....
i'm just plain tired. I keep trying and get nothing in return....no respect and no love....and I have loved this child for years.....will continue to.....if she will let me.


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## bluegrassgirl (May 8, 2007)

Has she been checked out by a doctor for the bedwetting? Sometimes, if bedwetting goes on longer than 10 years old, it can be because the spincter muscles are weakened and therefore can't hold the large amount of urine produced during sleep. Have you seen if she will do Kegel exercises? These can help for nighttime accidents, along with not drinking a lot of fluids past 8pm.
Sometimes, in rare cases, you can talk to the doctor about using medicine to help stop the accidents, but they have not so fun side effects (dry mouth and throat, constipation, drowsiness, and dry skin). I have taken Detrol, Ditropan, and Vesicare, and have found that Vesicare doesn't have as strong as side effects. Also, I know from experience that pull-ups don't hold very much at night. Prevail and Tranquility make adult diapers that are for overnight and they work very well. I use the Prevail PM briefs every night and they have a cloth-like cover and velcro-like tabs, so they are very quiet and not as noticible underneath pajamas.

As for her leaving all the wet pull-ups and sheets around, I'd really get on her case about that. Does she have a small trash can with a lid in her room for regular trash? You can ask her to put the soiled pull-ups in there and then the can be emptied out once every other day. Also, do what my Mom did when I kept forgetting to take my wet sheets and bedpads off the bed: tell her that she is responsible for laundry for those. I thought my Mom was joking, but as soon as I ran out of sheets and had to sleep directly on the mattress, I knew I better straighten up and wash the sheets when they got wet.

Hope this helps!

Jessie


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessie.gray* 
Has she been checked out by a doctor for the bedwetting? Sometimes, if bedwetting goes on longer than 10 years old, it can be because the spincter muscles are weakened and therefore can't hold the large amount of urine produced during sleep. Have you seen if she will do Kegel exercises? These can help for nighttime accidents, along with not drinking a lot of fluids past 8pm.
Sometimes, in rare cases, you can talk to the doctor about using medicine to help stop the accidents, but they have not so fun side effects (dry mouth and throat, constipation, drowsiness, and dry skin). I have taken Detrol, Ditropan, and Vesicare, and have found that Vesicare doesn't have as strong as side effects. Also, I know from experience that pull-ups don't hold very much at night. Prevail and Tranquility make adult diapers that are for overnight and they work very well. I use the Prevail PM briefs every night and they have a cloth-like cover and velcro-like tabs, so they are very quiet and not as noticible underneath pajamas.

As for her leaving all the wet pull-ups and sheets around, I'd really get on her case about that. Does she have a small trash can with a lid in her room for regular trash? You can ask her to put the soiled pull-ups in there and then the can be emptied out once every other day. Also, do what my Mom did when I kept forgetting to take my wet sheets and bedpads off the bed: tell her that she is responsible for laundry for those. I thought my Mom was joking, but as soon as I ran out of sheets and had to sleep directly on the mattress, I knew I better straighten up and wash the sheets when they got wet.

Hope this helps!

Jessie

I wanted to chime in here and make a comment about kids washing their own sheets when they wet the bed.

I personally think it is wrong. Now....if your kid washes their own clothes on a regular basis or everyone in the house is responsible for washing their sheets - then have at it....

But to me, making a child wash sheets when they wet the bed is like a punishment. When my daughter wet the bed, she would bring her sheets down to the laundry room for me, but this was only when she was older. I would never ask her to wash her sheets. That's just wrong. She can't help it. It's an accident. I have kids - they make messes - all sorts of messes.


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## mothertoall (Dec 30, 2005)

she doesn't care....she'll sleep on sheets that have been wet and dried.
she has been known to hide wet pullups in her closet as recently as a year ago....
she fights me tooth and nail about everything that THIS involves.
and to add insult to injury......now she's doing the typical teen crap of trying to wear provactive clothing and such..


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## acannon (Nov 21, 2007)

Maybe if she wears short skirts and shorts, kids will figure out that she wears pull-ups and ask her about it. Then she would have more motivation to wear underwear. It's probably not too easy to hide a pull-up under hip-hugging jeans or a short skirt/shorts.


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## mamato3cherubs (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mothertoall* 
she doesn't care....she'll sleep on sheets that have been wet and dried.
she has been known to hide wet pullups in her closet as recently as a year ago....
she fights me tooth and nail about everything that THIS involves.
and to add insult to injury......now she's doing the typical teen crap of trying to wear provactive clothing and such..


OK, i am seeing alot of sympathy here for the teen age girl that wets the bed. I do not see this is the case. I see that there is a teen age girl that is being manipulative. that is enjoying every bit of negative attention she can get. She knows she is in complete control over the situation. She knows you dont want her at her g-dads, sounds like she is getting enjoyment from seeing you upset.

number *1* she needs a therapist. sounds like the sooner the better. She is not going to talk to you, she needs to be working this out with someone. I suggest really finding out who deals with troubled teens the best as well and is willing to keep on trying until she breaks as she will probably be very defiante in the begining too.

others have said things about waking, alarms, she must not want to wet, etc. I think that is not the case. If she has been known to wet then change the pull up before sleeping, she is doing it on purpose as well as when she is sleeping. this is not the time for sympathy. She needs to get her act together and on track now, or this can be the begining of a bad downhill spiral, before she even has a chance to start her life.

I would consider seeing the therapist as well. alone. probably the same one she sees. you need help to get through this as well. Someone who can know what is going on with her and help you with how to handle this. You need to be working together. I know sometimes money is an issue, but i would beg, borrow, whatever it takes for this one. I see this as a situation that will take a very proactive consistant aproach to get anywhere with. It is not an issue of bedwetting as you have already figured out.

oh and yes, she should be cleaning her own sheets. Every day. wet or not. She can help it. This is not a case of a little kid with an immature bladder who strongly desires to stay dry. this girl has trouble, emotional, mental, whatever, and is being a brat (sorry, sont mean to sound harsh).

I hate to sound this way too, but i was a teen, remember how me and my friends and others i knew were. I dont care what the books say, as they seem to not see the reality. 13 isnt 13 anymore. it is 17. That is how a 13 yo girl thinks she should be acting. If she isnt already, I would be worried about sexual behavior as well. Sounds like it very well could be her next outlet, as well as drugs and the negative spiral that goes with that. I dont think you have much more time to mess around with this.

I am so sorry. My Ex DH and I took in my highschool aged nephew. It was difficult, different, cant really be explained. Hugs to you and I hope you can begin a good realationship soon. She is not going to cooperate until that happens.









disclaimer: these are strictly my opinions.


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## Sage.Naissance (Feb 5, 2008)

Mama, you are a good woman for taking in your neice who obviously has troubles, and you are obviously a great mama. If you can manage to make it happen you NEED to get this kid to a therapist. Seriously, you will rip your hair out trying to deal with this and its probably very deep trauma stuff that a therapist needs to deal with. You will be doing the best for her and for you.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mothertoall* 
she leaves it early in the morning before I get up usually or after I have been to the bathroom but before I go back in(she has already left) I am not leaving it there all day. She has to do it...every morning .
while i understand what everyone is saying.....I have to find something that works.....her pattern is to not hear a word I say...and do nothing I say. Ever , and when she gets consequences....she just doesn't care...and she tells me.
so...this is where i am at.....I feel resentful for her being this way,. alot.
yes, its every night.....and yes...we will be going without pullups from now on.....hopefully, it helps.

You would need to get up earlier to make sure it gets done then.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Op, I can sense the frustration and resentment in your posts, and as well you should be.









I don't belong in here, but I just wanted to tell you that this sounds like a deep issue and that maybe you should get a psychologist or a therapist to help work thorugh this with her. I do speak with experience when I say that you can't alwas hope, what is obviously deep psychological issues, to work itself out on its own. I can speak from a lifetime (from teenage years through to young adulthood) of experience when I say that it never does any good in situations like this for the parent to push the problems under the rug and hope that enough "discipline" will get the child to snap out of it. (Not saying that's what you're doing, but that's what I have lived.) That only causes frustration and delays the child dealing with the problem with a professional.

The earlier a child that has issues such as these it dealt with and worked out in therapy, the greater chance the child has at becoming a successful happy adult.

I'm only speaking from my own life experience with my own issues. Please don't put seeking a therapist on the backburner, it sounds like you got a lot of issues dealing with her and if the possibilty of physical problems are ruled out, then the next step is to look at psychological...it's the same in importance and pertinence as the physical aspect.

You wouldn't get mad at her if she physically can't help what she's doing, and you should also not get mad at her if she can't help what she's doing mentally. But you don't know whether or not it's the case until you take her to talk to someone. Help her get the tools she needs to get better, whether it's to do with a medical condition or a psychological condition.

I hope things get better for you.


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## Teensy (Feb 22, 2002)

Is she interested in trying to stop wetting the bed? Because IF she IS, then you may have luck with a bed wetting alarm. My DS #1 wet the bed every single night for over 8 years. We bought this:
http://www.bedwettingstore.com/Bedwe...ting_alarm.htm
and within two weeks he was completely dry at night. It was the best $100 I ever spent. I left him pick the color. He wore it attached to his underwear with a pullup on top, so went the alarm went off indicating he had wet, he only had to change his underpants, not the whole bed. I also offered to sleep in his room to assist him when it went off, but he never needed my help.

It sounds like there are many other issues, but maybe conquering this one thing will help your niece feel better about herself in other respects.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamato3cherubs* 
OK, i am seeing alot of sympathy here for the teen age girl that wets the bed. I do not see this is the case. I see that there is a teen age girl that is being manipulative. that is enjoying every bit of negative attention she can get. She knows she is in complete control over the situation. She knows you dont want her at her g-dads, sounds like she is getting enjoyment from seeing you upset.

number *1* she needs a therapist. sounds like the sooner the better. She is not going to talk to you, she needs to be working this out with someone. I suggest really finding out who deals with troubled teens the best as well and is willing to keep on trying until she breaks as she will probably be very defiante in the begining too.










:

I feel for the girl, but as I read this thread I can't help but think she is acting out for the negative attention. It's not really an issue about the bed wetting. It's the lack of respect for others.

I wet the bed off and on until I was 13. For me it was a sleep issue, to this day I still have sleep problems. But even at the age of 8/9 I was so embarrassed about this that when I woke up and realized I had wet the bed I would get up and clean up. That included putting a few towels on the wet bed, changing the sheets, then the next morning taking all the sheets and towels to the basement for washing. I would tell my Mom they needed to be washed, and she never said anything she just knew why.

So as much as I feel for this girl, and the situation she is in, she has to have some knowledge that leaving wet pull ups for another person to pick up is not kind. If this had happened a couple of times on accident, okay. On a consistent basis it's her creating some sort of control.

She needs therapy, long term, for her to sort out all the things in her mind that are troubling to her. Anybody in her situation would benefit from therapy, even if they weren't crying out for attention in this manner.


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