# My mother says cosleeping is dangerous



## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

.


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Then tell her not to do it. I would thank her politely for her input and change the subject.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I've got some!

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/cosleepindex.shtml
(James McKenna's are especially good)

http://www.drjaygordon.com/developme...cosleeping.asp

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/familybed.html


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natural Mommy*J* 
She then told me that I need to do my research, because there are many families like us that have killed their babies from rolling onto them and suffocating them.

I'd say that rather than YOU feeling you need to present her with research showing co-sleeping is safe -- SHE should be the one providing the proof that "many families" have killed their babies by rolling onto them. She needs to prove that NONE of these cases are in any way related to drug or alcohol use, also that they were ALL cases where MOTHERS rolled over onto their babies -- NOT where babies were placed in beds with siblings.

Once she presents you with all this documentation -- she needs to prove that babies who sleep with mothers have a higher death-rate than babies who sleep in cribs.

Any time she brings up her concerns -- you could say, "As soon as you introduce me to these 'many families' -- THEN I'll evaluate what you have to say." If she gives you an article, read it -- but if it's just more "speculation" by "experts" about "risks" -- let her know it didn't provide any kind of proof.

And I'd explain that since mother-child co-sleeping is the ancient, tried-and-true practice, whereas crib-sleeping is fairly new in human history -- that's why the burden of proof is on HER, not YOU. Well, also the burden of proof's on HER because she's not the mother, you are, and she's trying to change what you, the mother, are doing.


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## MissSJ (Oct 23, 2005)

My ILs did something a little similar but instead of outright saying it my MIL included the pamphlet from her new bed that cited the cosleeping study done by the JPMA and the CPSC that "proved" cosleeping is dangerous in a stack of papers (junk) she thought we would find interesting. We countered by giving her this article that counters the "facts" in her pamphlet and shows the stats from the original study: http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ep/kimmel.html. Good luck with your mother. There are always going to be people that don't disagree with how you parent and it is tough learning how to deal with people.

SJ


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## miguelsmom (Jul 8, 2005)

Wasn't there just an article about this in Mothering.... let me check... yeah in the last issue Peggy O'maras "a quiet place" is about sleeping with your baby.

We live with my parents and my mother has said on many occasions how knowing I co-sleep with both my kids keeps her up at night. I reassured her that I was very aware of my children at night and its what works best for us and that she shouldn't loose sleep over it. I actually left the magazine laying around open to the page. Although I don't know if she read it- I do know she hasn't said much lately. But to her credit she is very repectful of our parenting choices and when she voices her concerns I listen and then only take what I want from it.

I don't know if that helps but I know how you feel-

Good Luck


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## NotTheOnlyOne (Oct 23, 2006)

My ds is almost 9 months now and we have been co-sleeping since he was 4 months (prior to that he was in a co-sleeper) My mother says her favorite thought about me being a mother is picturing us lying in bed with Simon crawling from me to dh until he wears himself out and falls asleep and then we all snuggle together all night long. SHe she never got to have her babies in bed with her (it wasnt something she knew she could do) so she is jealous that I get to. Maybe my mom could call yours?


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

I blatantly ignore my mother when she gives me parenting "advice".

And I tell her I'm ignoring her.


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## kaspirant (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2bja* 
I blatantly ignore my mother when she gives me parenting "advice".

And I tell her I'm ignoring her.

That I love!!!

Oohhh and I'm more afraid of getting on the highway's here with my son safely strapped in his rear-facing Britax than I am of our sleeping arrangements. Want me to get those statistics for her?


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

.


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

You can tell her that almost all SIDS deaths occur in cribs, and there are a lot more SIDS deaths than accidental suffocation deaths, so actually it must be crib sleeping that is inherently dangerous! She would not want to risk SIDS for her grandchild, now, would she? It pays to be cautious









Of course, telling her that assumes that you have to defend yourself. You could just thank her for her input and let her know that you have done your research and feel very comfortable with YOUR decision.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

For that data to be meaningful, they have to say
was the bedding soft or firm
was either parent a smoker (and did the mother smoke during pregnancy)
was the child exclusively breastfed or not
was a parent obese
was a parent doing drugs or drinking alcohol

And probably other things.

and if they don't have detailed records about these things, then looking backwards over several years will not be accurate.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *summerbabe* 
You can tell her that almost all SIDS deaths occur in cribs, and there are a lot more SIDS deaths than accidental suffocation deaths, so actually it must be crib sleeping that is inherently dangerous!

Of course, telling her that assumes that you have to defend yourself. You could just thank her for her input and let her know that you have done your research and feel very comfortable with YOUR decision.









: and







:

depending on which way you go, you could also send her links about crib injuries and how you want to prevent them by cosleeping. But maybe standing up for yourself as the authority here is the better strategy.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

"Mom, I really appreciate how concerned you are for the baby, and I see you spent some time on this issue. I want to assure you that I of course have also spent a great deal of time on this question, and my research shows that the statistics about suffocation and cosleeping are flawed in a number of ways. Sadly, there are indeed cases of infant suffocation, and I wish there were none. However, it appears that the risk factors go beyond merely cosleeping/not cosleeping (and the biggest incidence of accidents actually occur with those who are NOT cosleeping - that is, those who have fallen asleep or passed out without intending to sleep with their baby, which logically increases the risk of injuries drastically). I also have seen statistics on the injuries and deaths associated with cribs, and therefore have come to an informed decision to practice safe cosleeping. Here are some links that may interest you. While I do appreciate your concern very much, I would like to ask you to not bring this up anymore. I feel there is a big difference between expressing a concern about something I may not be aware of, and a campaign to change the decision I have consciously made as a parent after research. Love, Daughter."


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## MadysonMom (Mar 15, 2007)

My DD is also 5 months old and my mom made some comments at the beginning. She watches my dd three days a week and I told her that I had a good mag. for her to read and left the new copy of Mothering on the table. When I got home she said "wow I never knew how great it was to sleep with your children". The point really hit home when they said it was twice as safe to sleep with your baby than not to. Maybe you could try having her read that article. PS now my mom just says "good luck ever getting her out of your bed" and DH and I say "I hope she never leaves".


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
"Mom, I really appreciate how concerned you are for the baby, and I see you spent some time on this issue. I want to assure you that I of course have also spent a great deal of time on this question, and my research shows that the statistics about suffocation and cosleeping are flawed in a number of ways. Sadly, there are indeed cases of infant suffocation, and I wish there were none. However, it appears that the risk factors go beyond merely cosleeping/not cosleeping (and the biggest incidence of accidents actually occur with those who are NOT cosleeping - that is, those who have fallen asleep or passed out without intending to sleep with their baby, which logically increases the risk of injuries drastically). I also have seen statistics on the injuries and deaths associated with cribs, and therefore have come to an informed decision to practice safe cosleeping. Here are some links that may interest you. While I do appreciate your concern very much, I would like to ask you to not bring this up anymore. I feel there is a big difference between expressing a concern about something I may not be aware of, and a campaign to change the decision I have consciously made as a parent after research. Love, Daughter."


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Ok, I just had a long, very civil converstion (well, debate kind of







) about cosleeping and vaccinations and we just agreed to disagree. Everything is fine between us, so I'm happy. And she decided to drop the subject when I asked her to, so that's a good thing. I told her I understand that she loves my DS very much, but that DH and I make informed decisions that we are comfortable with. Thanks again for the responses and links.

Michele


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## calidarling (Jul 14, 2006)

Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
"Mom, I really appreciate how concerned you are for the baby, and I see you spent some time on this issue. I want to assure you that I of course have also spent a great deal of time on this question, and my research shows that the statistics about suffocation and cosleeping are flawed in a number of ways. Sadly, there are indeed cases of infant suffocation, and I wish there were none. However, it appears that the risk factors go beyond merely cosleeping/not cosleeping (and the biggest incidence of accidents actually occur with those who are NOT cosleeping - that is, those who have fallen asleep or passed out without intending to sleep with their baby, which logically increases the risk of injuries drastically). I also have seen statistics on the injuries and deaths associated with cribs, and therefore have come to an informed decision to practice safe cosleeping. Here are some links that may interest you. While I do appreciate your concern very much, I would like to ask you to not bring this up anymore. I feel there is a big difference between expressing a concern about something I may not be aware of, and a campaign to change the decision I have consciously made as a parent after research. Love, Daughter."

Can I just say that this letter ALMOST makes me wish that I had someone to send it to, just so that I could bash their well meaning advice into the ground.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calidarling* 
Can I just say that this letter ALMOST makes me wish that I had someone to send it to, just so that I could bash their well meaning advice into the ground.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!


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## MissSJ (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
"Mom, I really appreciate how concerned you are for the baby, and I see you spent some time on this issue. I want to assure you that I of course have also spent a great deal of time on this question, and my research shows that the statistics about suffocation and cosleeping are flawed in a number of ways. Sadly, there are indeed cases of infant suffocation, and I wish there were none. However, it appears that the risk factors go beyond merely cosleeping/not cosleeping (and the biggest incidence of accidents actually occur with those who are NOT cosleeping - that is, those who have fallen asleep or passed out without intending to sleep with their baby, which logically increases the risk of injuries drastically). I also have seen statistics on the injuries and deaths associated with cribs, and therefore have come to an informed decision to practice safe cosleeping. Here are some links that may interest you. While I do appreciate your concern very much, I would like to ask you to not bring this up anymore. I feel there is a big difference between expressing a concern about something I may not be aware of, and a campaign to change the decision I have consciously made as a parent after research. Love, Daughter."









:

What an awesome letter!!!








Sometimes it is so hard for parents & ILs to understand that you may do things differently than they did and that it is your decision. Good luck with your mom, especially on the vax issue - my mom does not know we don't vax for these reasons!

SJ


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## juliebird (Jan 26, 2007)

Just a quick note: check out James McKEnna's stuff at the Mother-Baby sleep lab...http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/longterm.html

an excerpt
While advocates of solitary infant sleeping arrangements have claimed any number of benefits of infant sleeping alone, the truth o the matter is, none of these supposed benefits have been shown to be true through scientific studies. The great irony is that, not only have benefits of solitary infant sleep NOT be demonstrated - simply assumed to be true, but recent studies are beginning to show the opposite that is, it is not, for example, solitary sleeping arrangements that produce strong independence, social competence, feeling of high self esteem,good comportment by children in school, ability to handle stress, strong gender or sex identities - but it is social or cosleeping patterns that might, indeed, contribute to the emergence of these characteristics. Consider, for example:

* Heron's (1) recent cross-sectional study of middle class English children shows that amongst the children who "never" slept in their parents bed there was a trend to be harder to control, less happy, exhibit a greater number of tantrums. Moreover, he found that those children who never were permitted to bed-share were actually more fearful than children who always slept in their parents bed, for all of the night (1).

* In a survey of adult college age subjects, Lewis and Janda (2) report that males who coslept with their parents between birth and five years of age had significantly higher self-esteem, experienced less guilt and anxiety, and reported greater frequency of sex. Boys who coslept between 6 and 11 years of age also had higher self-esteem. For women, cosleeping during childhood was associated with less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults. (While these traits may be confounded by parental attitudes, such findings are clearly inconsistent with the folk belief that cosleeping has detrimental long-term effects on psycho-social development.

* Crawford (3) found that women who coslept as children had higher self esteem than those who did not. Indeed, cosleeping appears to promote confidence, self-esteem, and intimacy, possibly by reflecting an attitude of parental acceptance (Lewis and Janda 1988).

* A study of parents of 86 children in clinics of pediatrics and child psychiatry (ages 2-13 years) on military bases (offspring of military personnel) revealed that cosleeping children received higher evaluations of their comportment from their teachers than did solitary sleeping children, and they were underrepresented in psychiatric populations compared with children who did not cosleep. The authors state: "Contrary to expectations, those children who had not had previous professional attention for emotional or behavioral problems coslept more frequently than did children who were known to have had psychiatric intervention, and lower parental ratings of adaptive functioning. The same finding occurred in a sample of boys one might consider "Oedipal victors" (e.g. 3 year old and older boys who sleep with their mothers in the absence of their fathers)--a finding which directly opposes traditional analytic thought" (4).

* Again, in England Heron (1) found that it was the solitary sleeping children who were harder to handle (as reported by their parents) and who dealt less well with stress, and who were rated as being more (not less) dependent on their parents than were the cosleepers!

* And in the largest and possible most systematic study to date, conducted on five different ethnic groups from both Chicago and New York involving over 1,400 subjects Mosenkis (5) found far more positive adult outcomes for individuals who coslept as a child, among almost all ethnic groups (African Americans and Puerto Ricans in New York, Puerto Ricans,, Dominicans, and Mexicans in Chicago ) than there were negative findings. An especially robust finding which cut across all the ethnic groups included in the study was that cosleepers exhibited a feeling of satisfaction with life,.

But Mosenkis's main finding went beyond trying to determine easy causal links between sleeping arrangements and adult characteristics or experiences. Perhaps his most important finding was that the interpretation of "outcome" of cosleeping had to be understood within the context specific to each cultural milieu, and within the context of the nature of social relationships the child has with its family members! For the most part,s, therefore, it is probably true that neither social sleep (cosleeping) or solitary sleep as a child correlates with anything in any simple or direct way. Rather, sleeping arrangements can enhance or exacerbate the kind of relationships that characterize the child's daytime relationships and that, therefore, no one "function' can be associated with sleeping arrangements. Rather than assuming that sleeping arrangement produces a particular "type" person it is probably more accurate to think of sleeping arrangements as part of a larger system of affection and that it is altogether this larger system of attachment relationships, interacting with the child's own special characteristics that produces adult characteristics.

Hope this helps!


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2bja* 
I blatantly ignore my mother when she gives me parenting "advice".

And I tell her I'm ignoring her.









Fantastic!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Cosleeping is not 'very' dangerous at all. It's _slightly_ dangerous, as is nearly every other activity in life.

There are about 50 deaths per year attributed to "bedsharing", which is about half the incidence of death by lightening strike in this country. This number includes every case of a drunken blotto father who rolls on top of his sleeping babe, every bed full of multiple aged children all piled into one adult bed along with a newborn, every non-childproofed bed in which babies hang by their necks from the slats in the headboard, or smother in deep down comforters when left unattended face down.

Responsible, sober parents sleeping next to their baby in a childproofed environment never seem to get looked at as a separate group in these studies. But rest assured that this group records an _exceedingly_ low incidence of child injury or death while sleeping, and that some studies have even shown a reduced incidence of SIDS for cosleeping children.


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## ChristinaLucia (May 1, 2006)

1


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Juliebird- thanks for the info!


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## Happily Blessed (Feb 19, 2007)

My Mother is not the one who has a problem with us co-sleeping. Its other people. And for these people I have started asking them "Do I ask you what you do in your bedroom?" To me, it a privacy matter.

along with the stupid A$$ question of "does your baby sleep through the night?" I respond with, "he sleeps like a baby" and babies need to eat every 2-3 hours!

laural


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happily Blessed* 
My Mother is not the one who has a problem with us co-sleeping. Its other people. And for these people I have started asking them "Do I ask you what you do in your bedroom?" To me, it a privacy matter.

along with the stupid A$$ question of "does your baby sleep through the night?" I respond with, "he sleeps like a baby" and babies need to eat every 2-3 hours!

laural

Ohhh...those are BOTH good comebacks!


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## foehnjye (Mar 4, 2005)

I overheard a friend of mine telling this to her father, who was lecturing about who knows what aspect of her parenting:

"Dad, I love you very much. You raised me as best you could. When you and Mom were raising my sisters and I, you had your opportunity to parent us the way you chose to parent us. It is now my opportunity to parent my children to the best of my ability. You had your turn, and now I have mine."


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *foehnjye* 
I overheard a friend of mine telling this to her father, who was lecturing about who knows what aspect of her parenting:

"Dad, I love you very much. You raised me as best you could. When you and Mom were raising my sisters and I, you had your opportunity to parent us the way you chose to parent us. It is now my opportunity to parent my children to the best of my ability. You had your turn, and now I have mine."

This makes a lot of sense to ME, and I've shared it with my mom.

It doesn't seem to make as much sense to her -- maybe because her generation accepted a lot more interference from "elders," and also she didn't diverge as much as I am from the norm.


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

My mother also informed me that it was very dangerous to co-sleep. I let it go in one ear and out the other -- less conflict that way.
I'm not going to change her opinions with any amount of information. So I have freed myself from the obligation to do so. I don't have time anyway.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

when someone gives me sh*t about co-sleeping i just mention that it's called "crib death" not "co-sleeping death". and then i tell them to mind their own business.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellymama* 
when someone gives me sh*t about co-sleeping i just mention that it's called "crib death" not "co-sleeping death". and then i tell them to mind their own business.

Good point!


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## katsmonkeyhouse (May 31, 2006)

I am sorry to hear your mom thinks its dangerous. I have co-sleep with all my girls..still trying to get our 3 yr to slowly convert to a big gurl bed.Since I have some medical issues and need more rest now. But I do love her to be in my bed still. My mom co-sleep me..not by choice lol..but did it. It was a different time back then cause she didnt BF cause it was frowned apon.Weirdos..even though she wanted to. Anyhow. I have had no probs with the cosleeping at all. Your natural insticts kick in when they are in your bed. I know when she comes in to my bed and we accomadate her. Even when I am sooo tired..lol..anyhow I hope mom grows to understand the issue of why and its your choice.If not then tell her that is what your doing and leave it at that not gulit needed.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

My grandpa brought this up on sunday when they were down, said the newspaper had an article about how bad/dangerous it was... 5 babies were suffocated or something this past year. My reply? About how SIDs is *far* less common in co-sleeping babies, and how some peple think its cause' babies *need* to be able to hear other people breathing, etc. I had to repeat it a couple times, but he did drop it, thankfully!


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## Charlibearsmom (Apr 17, 2007)

I have the same problem w/ the MIL thanks this helped me also


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