# Mama's with long haired boys...how to not offend?



## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

Okay, so I'm a more traditional sort of mama, and my boy has a very short hair cut. My dh is a Marine so we live in an area where the majority of men/boys have rather short hair as well. My point is only that that is what we (my children and I are accustomed to).

Twice, once out of town and once here, we came across a boy with long hair and it was very hard to tell if the child was a boy or a girl. Both times DD labeled them with "girl" before I was able to guage myself which to say. The second time the boy was wearing a football player costume, but had beautiful blonde hair streaming around his face and through the helmet. He easily could really have been a girl, and if I'd guessed boy in that case, I'd be offending someone who wants to teach their daughter that girls can be anything. It was a totally awkward moment.

What to do? I don't want to offend child or parent.

Should I try to teach dd to say "child" instead of boy or girl? How do I smooth it over when dd guesses wrong, especially if I don't know which the child is either?

What do you do? What offends you and what doesn't?

I'd really like to be accomodating here...


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## Hedgehog Mtn (Jan 14, 2008)

After about the 3rd summer my boys all have at home buzz cuts. It's quick and easy and matches daddy.

However I have hair that you can't curl to save my life. My boys ALL have this awesome blond curly hair and it truly pains me to do that first haircut I mean those curls!!!

I leave it until it just can't be left any longer and then we shave it off. My boys have been referred to as "she" at least a million times. Sometimes I correct it (usually with "actually it's a boy but I just can't bare to cut off the curls . ) I can see 100% why they think it's a girl and I totally don't blame them. That's why I mention that I can't stand to cut it - that way it's obvious to them I'm not offended.

You wouldn't offend me (or your DD in the slightest) my kids think it's funny.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't know the answer to your question. Both my kids (boy and girl) have longish hair, but it is usually my daughter who gets mistaken for a boy because she's something of a "tomboy" and also prefers wearing her brother's more neutral hand-me-downs to girly stuff. (Actually, I think dd might be leaning toward cutting her hair short due to the work longer hair is requiring. She hasn't asked, though, and I'm not eager to present it as an option-though I would cut it if she asked-because people seem "thrown" by her enough.) Neither kid seems too phased by it yet. They are still at the stage in which they're 100% guessing half the time when they reference "he," "she," "woman," "man," "boy," "girl." Thus they aren't bothered when others are "guessing" too. They're 3 and 4. Gender identity is so complex anyway. I don't worry about it much, but I do talk to my kids often about various types of diversity including but not limited to gender expression. We also talk about it being respectful to call people how they self-refer, and I try to model gender-spectrum respectful language myself.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

My son used to have hair down to his bum (this was by the end of 6th grade, but it was always long, and at least halfway down his back by the age of 7 or so). He also had fine facial features. He also has a name, which is much more common as a girl's name (that wasn't really my plan, but it worked out that way). He was almost always mistaken for a girl. It didn't offend me and didn't offend him. Culturally, long hair is _still_ usually a girl thing, and I know that. He figured it out at an early age. We simply said, "I'm a boy" or "he's a boy, actually" (or even nothing at all if it was just a chance encounter and really didn't matter), and left it at that.


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

My son often made the same mistake when he was 3/4, only he would keep protesting the kid was a girl because "She got long hair". Until I pointed that his grandfather (my dad) and some of the men in DH's family had long hair and pony tails. Then we discussed gender identity and stereotypes.

Recently DS decided to grow his hair long. We had a talk about expectations (clean hair, brushed and his responsibilities) and the realization some people may call him a girl. He has first name that is often a nickname for a girl's longer name. He also has long, long eye lashes and one of his best friends is girl. The few times its happened, he just says "I'm a boy."


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Ask the child his/her name, or ask the parent.
Just matter-of-factly state to your child "Honey, he's a boy".

As a Mom who's child was called a girl the first three years of his life (his hair was never *that* long, go figure) and can suggest not saying:

oh, he's just so pretty, I thought he was a girl.

I don't mind if you think my kiddo is a girl and have no trouble telling you he is a boy. I understand he doesn't have a traditional boy's haircut. For some reason though, I find the follow-up comments irksome, about how pretty and delicate he looks.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

TBH - its only annoying at first - not offensive. (and that was just when I was getting used to it as my sons hair is long due to his choice)

I think those of use with boys with long hair just get used to the fact that they will often get mistaked as a girl (probably as much as those whos girls were born bald and took ages to finally get some hair - often get mistaken as boys). As most comments are made in a passer-by way - there never is really that appropriate time to ask my childs name or what sex they are or whatever. Its usually just the 'what a beautiful girl you have' comments or the like.

To me its obvious - but then again, he is _my_ son! lol... I never have him dressed like a girl either and if I did have a girl, youd probably be able to tell the difference then! hehe Up to about a year he was assumed a girl because he was born with a lot of hair and we did not cut it till then. Then around 2.5 he just decided he didn't want his hair cut anymore and as it is his hair and his body, I felt it was my job to respect that - which is why he has long hair. I don't even bother correcting people any longer unless we do get into a long conversation - then I simply say 'Oh hes a boy' or 'Oh hes my son' and they just say 'Oh - he has such a beautiful face/hair I just thought he was a girl'. Thats fine with me. I have never actually been offended by people mistaking him for a girl! lol

Eventually I can imagine he will correct people himself. As it stands, hes just bloody confused about the whole boy girl thing - despite the fact he has it down that boys have a penis and girls have a vulva... its not exactly something you can immediatly see on a person! lmao

And just cause I like to show off - my beautiful long haired boy!


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## mamassong (Jan 28, 2009)

My son is just 2.5 and had curly shoulder-length hair. We had several children at the park ask if he was a girl, or just assume he was a girl and refer to him as 'her' and 'she'. He's so young, I know he wasn't offended, and I wasn't either. If their parents had asked, I wouldn't have been either. Unless they were criticizing, which I know is not what you're asking.








To the kids that did ask me if he was a girl, I said no, and they said why does he have long hair? And I said I just love it too much to cut it!
I make the choice to keep his hair long, so I kind of expect people to have comments or questions. It doesn't offend me.

I respect your question about the child in a football costume. Thats a good thing to think about. I would think it was just best to not say anything if I didn't know for sure. I guess I will explain the same to my daughter when she understands. Like, girls can wear play football, just like boys can have long hair, etc.









Ann of loxley- Beautiful!! Just gorgeous.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

My oldest son is almost always mistaken for a girl , he has beautiful hair that is down his back. It's not offensive to be mistaken as a girl but it is rude to make comments about how he should cut his hair. He also gets the 'but he's so pretty' comments and I only think it's offensive because people seem to think males don't come pretty (my two sure did







). My youngest son is getting mistaken for a girl some now that his hair is getting longish and he also has a pretty face and long eye lashes.

I do think it's offensive our culture tries so hard to force people into little gender boxes but being mistaken for a girl or a boy in itself is not offensive to me.

Ann-of-loxely, your son is beautiful!


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## OhMeOhMy (Apr 2, 2004)

My youngest are boy/girls twins and she has short hair and he has longish hair. I don't mind when my son is mistaken for a girl. What I mind is when I correct ("Yes, HE is ......") someone and then they insist on continuing and saying SHE. Or when they tell me I should cut his hair so people know.







My son has gorgeous blond ringlets that give him a bigg poofy head of curls (to just above his shoulders). There is no way I want to cut his hair, but more importantly HE does not want to cut his hair.


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## mama crane (Apr 11, 2008)

My 10 year old DS has beautiful golden curls, large hazel eyes and a smallish beaky nose....he gets told he looks like an angel at least once a month LOL
His hair is his choice and as such I think he enjoys the attention his hair attracts. The times he gets called a girl ( while wearing his Carhart jacket and green wool pants) he finds it funny....

I agree that it is way more annoying for him to be told he "needs to get a haircut" blah blah blah...


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

It's so hard. I don't worry about offending the parents so much. But, I've seen older kids (5-9 age range) and you just can't tell if it's a girl wearing boy's clothes, or a boy with long pretty hair. So, I just say "That kid in the black tennis shoes" if I need to. I'd rather offend the parents than the kids.

We have a neighbor kid who's all grown up now. But, he was SO beautiful!! He made the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Long waist length thick black hair. Super long black eyelashes, and huge brown eyes. He would walk into the boy's bathroom and yell "I'm a BOY!" as he walked in. It didn't even matter if there was nobody else in there. LOL.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I'm not usually offended when people mistake my boys for girls. It's only after we've corrected the person and they keep up saying girl that I get annoyed. The comments about how if he's a boy he should have short hair or long hair is for girls, or when are you going to cut it; those are offensive. My dh's uncle was teasing my oldest about being a girl one day and my 3 year old marched up and told him that boys can have long hair too.

Innocently mistaking a child for the other sex doesn't really bother me.

I don't see how anyone can mistake my boys for girls, they look like boys to me. There's a picture in my photo album if anyone wants to look and tell me what they think. I see them as boys with long hair, but maybe that's just because I know they're boys.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
There's a picture in my photo album if anyone wants to look and tell me what they think. I see them as boys with long hair, but maybe that's just because I know they're boys.

All of you are beautiful! Your younger child in the middle looks like a girl. If I had only seen that photo, and you hadn't said you had boys, I would have assumed she was a girl. LOL.

But, in the other picture with the muscle shirt and the hat, he has long, but boyish hair. However, if you still insisted she was a girl, I would have believed that too.

He's perty.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
All of you are beautiful! Your younger child in the middle looks like a girl. If I had only seen that photo, and you hadn't said you had boys, I would have assumed she was a girl. LOL.

But, in the other picture with the muscle shirt and the hat, he has long, but boyish hair. However, if you still insisted she was a girl, I would have believed that too.

He's perty.









Ok so I'll be a little more understanding when people try to tell me he's a girl! Thank you, btw.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I have a long haired 4 yo boy, and he is regularly mistaken for a girl. It's really not a big deal when it happens. I don't care, he doesn't care, none of us care. Like others have said, I don't like it when I (or especially when he) tell someone he's a he, and they keep saying she. Or, when they say he needs a hair cut. For one thing, it's likely to make him cry to even mention getting it cut, and for antoher, it's not really anyone's business.

My longhaired kiddo:

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e2...e799/007-6.jpg
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e2...e799/006-6.jpg


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I want to add that my oldest son sometimes let's his hair grow a little long, and it does annoy him to be mistaken for a girl. When it starts happening, he usually decides to get it cut. The last time he had it longish, some older man we passed at the grocery store commented on my "Three beautiful daughters" (I only have one daughter







) and as soon as we turned the corner he asked if he could get a hair cut on before we went home







.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

One of my sons has long hair and the other has medium-length hair (it would be called short on a girl). They both get mistaken for girls, especially my oldest with his shoulder-length blonde curls. They think it's funny and will just say, "I'm a BOY!"
I don't think it's anything to worry about. Gender isn't always obvious, and that's kind of the point, isn't it? No one should be offended if you guess wrong.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I don't understand why anyone would be offended by a simple mistake. Long hair *is* traditionally a "girl" thing in a lot of places.

The time to be offended is when people go on and on about cutting hair or keep calling the child "she" or otherwise being rude.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

My 10 year old son thinks it's funny and perfectly fine when people mistake him for a girl (ummm, like every day someone will says, "your girls" referring to he and my daughter). Right now, his hair is a little bit longer (shoulder length) than my 8 year old daughter's bob. It doesn't bother him at all and he's totally used to it, and never feels offended by being called a girl. He has the choice to cut his hair any way he likes, and even though people sometimes mistake him for a girl, he doesn't care, he is growing his hair longer.







Totally worth it to him. No biggie.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I don't understand why anyone would be offended by a simple mistake. Long hair *is* traditionally a "girl" thing in a lot of places.

The time to be offended is when people go on and on about cutting hair or keep calling the child "she" or otherwise being rude.

Exactly.

And the point of telling the story above about my older son deciding to get a hair cut as soon as he's mistaken for a girl is this - any boy with long hair, particularly kids with hair as long as my youngest's hair, is probably going to be used to having this mistake made and not overly bothered by it. If a boy is one who gets upset about it, he'll likely decide not to keep his hair long. So as long as people aren't being mean about it, it's not going to be a problem to make a simple mistake. It's when adults go on and on about it, or kids tease about it, that it becomes a problem.


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

Ah...thanks for all the responses. I guess I didn't understand what exactly it was that causes offense. As I have NEVER made a nasty follow-up comment, I guess I'm in the clear.







But, I do hate the awkwardness...


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

Such gorgeous kiddos on this thread









My 8.5yo boy has long hair. Longer than his sister's, in fact. He gets mistaken for a girl on a daily basis. He and I just exchange knowing glances at each other. He thinks the gender stereotyping is hilarious. The other day when it happened I said I thought it might be good to just smile and say "i'm a boy with long hair" so people have an opportunity to challenge their own image of what makes girl v boy. It is funny that hair trumps all. My son picks very stereotypically boy clothing - he just likes his hair long. My daughter has short hair and loves pink and princesses these days. She never gets mistaken for a boy...


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## tinawoman (Feb 28, 2003)

my son is only 4, but already getting the girl comments. i find it amusing actually. especially since he's always dressed very boyish, but then you can't always judge by their clothes. you can't tell by his name either because his name is tyren (pronounced TEERen), so no one has ever heard of that name and doesn't have a clue about his sex from it.

his hair is curly blonde and only just starting to get down to his shoulders...the curls keep it a halo around his head mostly. he looks like a dandilion, lol!

i have run into a couple little boys with the same exact hair and its funny because we always end up talking about how everyone thinks they are a girl. one of the dads said that he suspects its because everyone cuts their son's hair off before the curls get this long. but we all agreed we loved our sons' curls and had no intention of chopping them.

as a side note, his daddy has very long hair that he wears in a ponytail and i have always LOVED boys/men with long hair so i have never had any intention of cutting my son's hair short. i expect the girl comments and they don't bother me, for the most part. sometimes its a little annoying because i think the way he is dressed makes it very plain that he's a boy...frankly, i don't think there's anything feminine about him. but then, i AM his mom, LOL! it just irritates sometimes because its automatically assumed that longer curls=girl...and i feel like people need to open their minds a bit more. but oh well. it doesn't seriously offend me, just kinda annoying at first, like someone else said.

i would say...when in doubt...observe and listen. eventually the parent will say something about their child that will let you know the gender.







and don't worry, i guarantee they are already used to the confusion.







i expected it and actually find it amusing once i get past the initial annoyance.









and since we're sharing pics: http://smithantics.shutterfly.com/1006
that was in july, and his hair is actually longer now, but you get the point.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I have to add, the thing that's most offensive to me is when people know I have an older boy and assume that I have my youngest's hair long because I wanted a girl. Apparently letting a boy choose when to cut their own hair will make them a girl.

I have some issues with the stereotyping that my kids experience so I could be a bit bitter.


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## anywaybecause (Jul 9, 2008)

The first time that happened to us (dds thought a long-haired boy was a girl) I just explained to them that boys can have long hair, just like girls can have sort hair. Easy-peasy.


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## Litcrit (Feb 23, 2009)

As the mother of a short-haired girl who sometimes gets mistaken for a boy, I don't see anything offensive about it. I don't even correct people who refer to her as a 'he', unless the conversation demands it.

What I don't like is when people get worked up because I didn't label her 'girl' well enough - like, why isn't she wearing a pink frilly dress so her gender is clear? My child's hair is short because it's convenient; her clothes are comfy and in pleasant colors; that's what these things are for, not for labeling her for the sake of perfect strangers.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Litcrit* 
As the mother of a short-haired girl who sometimes gets mistaken for a boy, I don't see anything offensive about it. I don't even correct people who refer to her as a 'he', unless the conversation demands it.

What I don't like is when people get worked up because I didn't label her 'girl' well enough - like, why isn't she wearing a pink frilly dress so her gender is clear? My child's hair is short because it's convenient; her clothes are comfy and in pleasant colors; that's what these things are for, not for labeling her for the sake of perfect strangers.

I find it silly that so many folks have to see it as an "awkwardness"-thing!

People have sometimes mistaken my girls for boys, and I've sometimes made the mistake of referring to a "he" as a "she." All you do is say Oops I'm sorry!

I just think gender is not often all that obvious until puberty. There's this preteen girl at the playground with facial features that used to seem very masculine to me.

I would have thought she was a boy, even with her long hair, except that I heard other kids calling her by a girl-name. Then as time went on I noticed some very womanly curves emerging. And I don't think she looks like a boy at all now.

And even if she still did -- what's the big deal?

I assume that if at some point a child decides it's very important that others make no mistake about their gender, they themselves will make the move to dress and wear their hair in ways that make it abundantly clear.

But really, why should gender make any difference in how we relate to others?


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## ShadowMoon (Oct 18, 2006)

Ds gets mistaken for a girl all the time. He has long, fine/curly blond hair and soft features. I don't find it offensive or awkward when people make mistakes. I just correct them and move on. It can be hard to tell when they're little.


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## waldorfknitmama (Sep 16, 2007)

My boy has super long hair. He's almost 4 and I've cut his hair maybe 2x. People always say what a beautiful girl I have- in the begining I was always like he's a boy!!!! But now I just smile and say thank you. It doesn't bother me and for my little guy, he just looks at the people who think he's a girl- like they are stupid for not knowing, he knows he's a boy I know he's a boy.


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## BabyMae09 (Sep 19, 2008)

Ugh. So here's my awkward situation: We were in a store, and I needed to try on clothes. I needed DS to come with me, becaue he's seven. So we walk up, and I say 'we need to use the family dressing room.' The attendant looks at my son (who is JUST learning to read) and asks 'can you tell me which side you normally go to?' (asking him to read the woman/man signs)

I was so confused. He looked at me, and I was like 'he usually goes with me, into the family dressing room.' To which this brilliant







woman replied 'oh, well, I couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl, so I had to ask.'

Not only did she put him on the spot for his gender, but also his reading skills! I told the manager.

Because - I said 'HE usually goes with me.' At that point, you'd think she'd drop it. But nope. Jeeze.

He's over it now. And I LOVE his curls!


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

All of my boys have been mistaken for girls before their hair ever got long. It's actually still not all that long, and def a boyish cut, but people still often think one or another is a girl. It doesn't bother me, or them. I know people who get really annoyed when their son/daughter is mistaken for the opposite sex, and they go out of their way to genderize their dressing, etc. So, I doubt those are the people who let their sons' hair get long.


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## Peachthief (Nov 19, 2008)

My boss used to bring her youngest son into work with her. When he was 2, be had that beautiful long curly baby hair. A customer came in and saw him and remarked, "Oh, you must be L's little girl!" He put his hands on his hips and replied indignantly, "I not a girl, I a KID!"


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

Halloween experience.
My son was dressed in a "masculine" costume that covered him head to toe. Only his eyes were visible. Everyone referred to him as a boy until, at some point, a few locks of hair stuck out - the next house we stopped at, it was "hello girls". I thought it was quite interesting.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
Halloween experience.
My son was dressed in a "masculine" costume that covered him head to toe. Only his eyes were visible. Everyone referred to him as a boy until, at some point, a few locks of hair stuck out - the next house we stopped at, it was "hello girls". I thought it was quite interesting.

Same here. My younger son was dressed as Batman. Once his hair started escaping the mask, people kept referring to him as "she" in the Batman costume.

ETA: my point is how weird it is that people seem to have no issue with a little girl dressed as Batman, but think it's strange to have a long haired boy.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

You all have such beautiful boys! I absolutely adore boys with long hair, I think it's me rebelling from growing up as an army brat







I will be very upset if my boys don't want their hair long.

I also think that unless a child is dressed in very gender obvious clothes, it's hard to tell which gender they are. They're little kids, who cares? I've seen boys in skirts with long hair and girls in camo with short hair, they're all equally beautiful!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
Same here. My younger son was dressed as Batman. Once his hair started escaping the mask, people kept referring to him as "she" in the Batman costume.

ETA: my point is how weird it is that people seem to have no issue with a little girl dressed as Batman, but think it's strange to have a long haired boy.


My son was Batman, too, and the mask/hat wouldn't fit over his hair, so he didn't wear it. His costume was so clearly a BatMAN costume, but people called him Batgirl all night. He didn't seem to care, though.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

My son had longish hair until he was 4 and a half. He was often mistaken for a girl by both adults and children. Neither of us were ever offended by it. What was offensive was the few times I got comments from people saying something along the lines of "isn't it time he get a haircut?!" I wouldn't worry about teaching your kids anything about it.


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## beebalmmama (Jul 21, 2005)

Ds is 4 and has often been mistaken for a girl. Although his hair really isn't that long, just goes over his ears, down to his collar and he has bangs. But it's either that or the curls in the back. He also has long dark lashes which might add to it.

I don't get offended, but just correct the person. Ds has only gotten upset when it has been other kids who have called him a girl. I think he's less worried about that since I've told him to just tell them he's a boy.


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

My boys have always had semi-long hair, and from the age where their hair got too much in their eyes, also with bangs. They've been mistaken for girls SO MANY TIMES I can't keep track of it . I do not really MIND this mistake happening, to me and dh, they are obviously two boys, but I can see how people who are not used to boys with longer hair just mistake them for girls. I do surprise sometimes when people actually get it right .
My kids are also mixed so look a bit different than most locals, and the oldest has a finely built face for sure. I DO correct people about it, or (afterwards) joke with my child that the person was mistaken.
But what DOES offend is when people INSIST on calling them 'girl' or saying things like 'sister' or 'daughter', and definitely when they say sth like 'inappropriate hair for boys', mention the need for a haircut, etc. THAT, as other pp mentioned, is where offense does start.

I recently had a grandfather/neighbour suggesting (almost insisting







) on cutting MY ds's hair himself, he had a good razor at home (well how do you call that machine) and it would be done quick and easy if it depended on him. Also saying something that came down to 'normalising' my son by giving him a head shave as his grandkids always have (implying boys should have short hair). Just because I somehow mentioned I'd like to trim ds's hair a little (LITTLE!) but also that we like it this way and I just wait for a good moment to do that because he's VERY sensitive to things like hair cutting. His reaction was like 'bring him to my home and I'd do it for him' and 'just do it by force', 'the boy needs a haircut/shave'. Huh???
I know we won't socialise with that person again, like this time when we 'ran in' with him and his grandchild on the playground, no way!
He could have upset my son (spd-suspected) VERY much, and he did upset ME.

I also had someone remark 'I must have preferred daughters over sons' by realising they were boys, not girls.

KIDS HEAR that kind of stuff they are surely not deaf and insensitive to such comments! Sigh.

I have felt on few occasions that it WAS needed to reassure my (young) children that they were looking totally fine and gorgeous and that there's nothing wrong about boys with longer hair nor girls with shorter hair, but that it appears some people just have more gender-limiting ideas and get confused when sth is not according to what they're used to (in a way my kids understand). And I do randomly point out other boys with long hair to them as antidote to comments. So when someone seems to want to give us a feeling again of 'don't be so silly, just cut the hair', 'you womanise your son by keeping his hair long' or similar, I give an appropriate antidote to my sons if needed. We may mostly joke about the silliness of the person commenting, (note, only among ourselves, later and only when the person's comment was out of line or person was insisting)) about not knowing (my) boys are just beautiful with long hair (too) .

Also, if we would never had such (negative) comments, I would never have felt the need to 'explain' this to my children, but unfortunately, as shows the above, I needed to do this.


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## catters (Nov 20, 2007)

my son has longer hair and, as he's only two, is quite "neutral" looking, so gets referred to as a girl quite a bit. It doesn't bother me at all as long as no one makes a big deal about it, like say something to me like, "Why don't you cut his hair??". That would bother me! LOL It's not like he's not groomed, he just looks cute with longer hair.


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## rhianna813 (Apr 3, 2009)

Our son is almost 6 and just started school. He has very curly (think ringlets) long hair which we just can't cut - it's too freakin gorgeous. We'll cut it when he asks but so far he likes it long. He is also very pretty with porcelain skin and long lashes, however; he dresses and acts all boy. We live in a total hippified west coast town with tons of "alternative" people and guys with long hair.

Still people think he is a girl 99% of time they first meet him.

We are totally used to this and not at all offended. If it's a casual encounter at the grocery store where someone comments "oh I love her hair" I just say thanks. If they go on about "her" or "your daughter" I say something like " oh, he's a boy". If people get embarrassed I say don't be - I would make the same mistake. No biggie.

DS started on his own correcting people LOL He will just upfront tell them he's a boy.

Rhianna


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

That's a great question. It has happened to me too...it's hard sometimes to tell little boys and girls apart these days.

I felt bad for one of my children who pointed out a little girl who had really pretty hair. The little "girl" turned around and angrily told my child "I am not a girl, I am a boy." Of course my child was embarrassed. The only thing I could say was that it was ok because I didn't know either.









I guess you just do your best and hope it the right thing. you can't please everybody and no matter what you do someone will always be offended, even if it's not your fault anyway.


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## outside everywhere (Nov 3, 2009)

my 3 year old ds has long hair and is so often mistaken for a girl.
it doesn't upset me at all. i don't usually correct the person and say he's a boy, but rather in conversation say he when referring to him. sometimes the person will hear me, and apologize, other times not.
the only time i'm offended is when i am told that i need to cut his hair.
i hear this repeatedly from my parents...they are so concerned with him having long hair and being mistaken for a girl.
a few weeks ago we went to visit my parents for ds's birthday and when we came home he started saying he wanted to cut his hair. he had never said anything like that before, so i was suspect of my parent's having said something to him about it. sure enough, when asked, my ds said he wanted to cut his hair because pop told him he needed to cut it because only girls have long hair. i was so mad! now, he loves his long hair again and says he will never ever cut it.
and thanks to those of you who posted pictures of your long-haired boys...i showed several of the pictures to my son and he was so excited to see pictures of other little boys who have long hair too.

funny story:
we were visiting a city not near where we live and found a really neat park. we were playing when a little boy near my ds's age started playing with my ds. they ran around and played and the little boy kept calling my ds "that cute little girl". i didn't say anything because it didn't seem to bother my ds, i don't even think he heard him. then a few minutes later i heard the little boy say "where'd my new girlfriend go, grandma?" it took me a second to realize he was talking about my ds. for the rest of the time we were there, he (and his grandma) kept calling my ds the little boy's girlfriend. at that point, i definately couldn't say ,"um, he is actually a boy."


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
I felt bad for one of my children who pointed out a little girl who had really pretty hair. The little "girl" turned around and angrily told my child "I am not a girl, I am a boy." Of course my child was embarrassed. The only thing I could say was that it was ok because I didn't know either.









If I had a son with long hair who was getting upset when people mistook him for a girl -- that would be one time when I'd ask him if he wanted to switch to a hairstyle that made it more clear that he was a boy. But as long as my child was happy with his long hair and didn't mind being mistaken for a girl, it wouldn't be any big deal to me either.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Just for fun, my long haired Batman
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e2...799/004-11.jpg


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

My son (almost 8 yo and very tall) has long hair and gets very offended. He's the only boy of 4 siblings and my dh used to have long hair. Long hair is neither a boy or girl thing. Think Da Vinci or Louis XIV. Or Thomas Jefferson, for that matter. It's best just not to make assumptions. My oldest used to love frilly pink ruffly dresses and pigtails and STILL people would call her a boy. My son is usually dressed in dino clothes and has shoulder length hair and still gets called a girl by every.single.person we meet.

My son has started to get angry about it and says "I'm not a girl-I'm a boy". Sure he's cute, but I hated the "What a pretty little girl" comments when I was little, too. So I can't blame him. I do try to get him to say it nicely, but I can understand why he's mad. He wants long hair. I would never make him cut it just to fit in to a narrow view of what boys "should" look like. I don't think it's important for them to try really hard to look like boys or girls.

I was a big tomboy and wore only boys clothes for years. Partly for that reason. I wanted to play baseball but wasn't allowed to-girls had to play softball and not football or any cool games. It wasn't fair. People shouldn't have to pigeon hole themselves because some people can't tell the difference between a girl or a boy. Just like I don't wear a big "I'm not 12 and yes, I'm married" shirt and a gray wig when I go shopping with my 4 kids and get called a teenager and verbally abused for being irresponsible with birth control.


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## twig (Nov 2, 2009)

My boys aren't offended. One has long hair, but both are beautiful, and the one with short hair has my big dark eyes and lashes, so... yeah everyone calls him a girl too.

They are 11 & 12, utterly boyish, dress like boys, walk like boys, talk like boys, but *so* many people refer to how many girls I have.

They either say that they're boys, or just let it slide. They aren't offended in the least. Irritated occasionally, but not too often.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittywitty* 
My son (almost 8 yo and very tall) has long hair and gets very offended...

My son has started to get angry about it and says "I'm not a girl-I'm a boy". Sure he's cute, but I hated the "What a pretty little girl" comments when I was little, too. So I can't blame him. I do try to get him to say it nicely, but I can understand why he's mad. He wants long hair. I would never make him cut it just to fit in to a narrow view of what boys "should" look like. I don't think it's important for them to try really hard to look like boys or girls.

And of course he shouldn't cut his long hair if he really likes it! I imagine in a few years he will go through puberty and then his maleness will be more readily-evident.

My 9yo daughter has very curly hair which she prefers not to have too long, because of how much it tangles (plus it grows really slowly, so it just doesn't get very long anyhow, and always looks shorter than it is because of the curl). And she doesn't enjoy when people mistake her for a boy.

And she has very delicate feminine features, so I don't quite understand why people think "boy" -- but some do. The only time I think it's rude is when kids tell her, after learning she is a girl, that she has a "boy haircut."

But I don't think it will last too long, because she's starting to develop a little. You know, when grown men have long hair people usually don't mistake them for women, LOL, and vice-versa.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittywitty* 
Just like I don't wear a big "I'm not 12 and yes, I'm married" shirt and a gray wig when I go shopping with my 4 kids and get called a teenager and verbally abused for being irresponsible with birth control.

I'm sorry if people are verbally-abusing you because you look young!

I'm 45, I didn't have my first 'til I was almost 36, and I sometimes have people assuming I'm "Grandma." And, yeah, I don't always enjoy it when someone asks if I'm "Grandma." It kind of depends on my mood that day.

And since there are now lots of older mamas like me, it seems like adults-with-brains would have sense to start off by assuming the older ladies with kids are "Mama," since in our culture this is usually considered more flattering, even if it's really "Grandma" she'll take it as a compliment -- but I feel it would be really ungracious for me to bite people's heads off for their blunder.

I did feel kind of irritated when some child got really shocked and kept going on about "You're really her MOTHER?" -- LOL, adults usually just say, "Oh," and don't keep at it like that. But even so, it was just a clueless kid so of course it would be very immature of me to snap at her.

I guess we all just need to get more centered and secure in who we are, and help our kids with this journey, so we and they can learn to accept others' mistakes without getting bent-out-of-shape needlessly.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I
I did feel kind of irritated when some child got really shocked and kept going on about "You're really her MOTHER?" -- LOL, adults usually just say, "Oh," and don't keep at it like that. But even so, it was just a clueless kid so of course it would be very immature of me to snap at her.

I guess we all just need to get more centered and secure in who we are, and help our kids with this journey, so we and they can learn to accept others' mistakes without getting bent-out-of-shape needlessly.

















Were their parents there? I don't snap at people for calling ds a girl, I laugh it off, but he's quite sick of it. I have in the past snapped when people basically verbally abused me about how old I looked, though. Not kids-we're talking much older people. I know some people mean it as a complement, so I usually brush it off. But once it gets into the "don't you know what causes that" conversation, I do end up losing my niceness. My mother had a friend I babysat for who was in her late 30's when she had her first ds. She ended up dyeing her hair gray because everyone used to insist she was too young to have kids and would be rude. Most women go the opposite way! Grass is always greener, right?


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## amandaleigh37 (Jul 13, 2006)

My DS had long hair (just got it cut last week!) and was often mistaken for a girl. Honestly it didn't bother me. I know people didn't mean any harm, and it wasn't really offensive to me or DS. I'd just correct them... like "Oh she is so talkative!" and I'd say "Yeah HE is really outgoing!" Sometimes people wouldn't even get it... other times they would be embarassed & apologize.. I'd just say "Oh it's no big deal"

I don't think you should worry about it, aside from mentioning it to your kids when it comes up "Usually we see girls with long hair, but boys can have long hair too."


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittywitty* 







Were their parents there?

LOL, no, I was in a friend's home, my friend had gone upstairs for some reason, and dd and I were just hanging out in the kitchen when a child who was visiting my friend's kids just came in and started chatting with me. And just went into shock when she found out I wasn't Grandma.

Most people think I have a very youthful face -- but I am heavy, which I know makes me look "matronly." I'm actually only 3 years older than that friend, who has a LOT of kids. But she is very slender, so even though she has more grey hair than me (I wonder why?), I don't think anyone assumes she is "Grandma."

I guess if it bugs me enough I'll just turn into a skinny person ... about as easy as getting a haircut, huh?

Quote:

I don't snap at people for calling ds a girl, I laugh it off, but he's quite sick of it.
Oh, I wasn't thinking you were doing the snapping!

And, yeah, I guess I never thought of how some very rude people might read the riot act to young-looking parents. Or act like they don't know how to take care of their kids. I'm sure that would be just as exasperating as having people think you're "Grandma."


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## spughy (Jun 28, 2005)

I think people are generally pretty clueless about this. My daughter has short hair and gets called "he" a lot, despite wearing pretty girly clothes. Lots of pink in her wardrobe, yet somehow that doesn't register as much as the short hair. Her features are really fine too, and my friends are all surprised that she would be taken for a boy. The fact that she has a name that's usually masculine rarely comes into it - most people who mistake her for a boy don't even know her name.

It doesn't really bother me, except - as noted above - when they persist in their error after being corrected.

FTR - my "boyish" daughter. I can kind of see it in this photo, actually - but her hair's grown out now and it's cut in a short bob, and STILL she gets called a boy. While wearing a dress.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

As a girl who had very short (crew cut) hair and was a 100% 'tomboy' till I was 15 or so, and constantly mistaken for a boy (especially in bathrooms... I seriously considerd just using the mens' room for a while), I can honestly say that it never bugged me except when girls were extremely condescending with the 'this is the GIRLS bathroom' eyeroll, and even then, I learned to reply equally conescendingly 'I know. I'm A GIRL'.

ETA: Just for reference, this is me at like 14:

http://tajhq.tripod.com/Pics/emily.jpg


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## lovemybubus (Oct 2, 2007)

Just a funny story:
We were on vacation in Maine over the summer. We were eating breakfast at the hotel when a woman came over and complimented dh and I on our gorgeous girls. 'Well, he's a boy." I politely corrected her pointing to my 2 year old with long curls. "Really!?" "Him!?" "Are you sure!?"
Me: "YES! He has a PENIS, I'm SURE!" I could tell she felt bad/stupid for her comment. So for the rest of our vacation we were never treated nicer at breakfast and she was sure to mention "him" every morning. Ugh, some people.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

My ds: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hpCk0jvAa...h/IMG_0916.JPG

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9hpCk0jvAa...h/IMG_0830.JPG


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## ~Katie~ (Mar 18, 2007)

Mistaken gender when it isn't obvious isn't really offensive, it's the follow-up, rude comments that are. For example, one day at the zoo a woman referred to DS as a girl. I explained to her that he was a boy and she said rather rudely "Well I didn't know, boy's clothing and girl's hair!" This woman had very short, shaved hair BTW. My DS has longish hair and is growing it out again after getting it trimmed to his chin at the start of the summer. My DH is in the Army, and I'm finding that among military families longer hair on boys is becoming a more common thing to see. I think it's more of a rebellion thing because they have to keep their hair short. For us it's mostly because I love DS's curls, and DH is going bald and living vicariously through him







Maybe just explain that both boys and girls can have long hair, and if she's unsure of their gender maybe just ask the child his/her name and refer to them that way.


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## katt (Nov 29, 2001)

my son has long hair. We've never cut it and he's almost 3. he was born with a full head of hair, so it is about past his shoulder blades now. i LOVE it. We're leaving it up to him to cut it. Sometimes he says he wants it cut other times he says no. I even made an appointment with a stylist for him to get it cut but he said No Cut when we showed up so I got my hair styled.









I have no problem when people mistake him for a girl. 1/2 the time i don't correct them, i just use the proper pronoun when talking about him and say Thank You when given a compliment. No worries. if I were bothered by it I'd get his hair cut.

With a pony tail

From the front in a pony

Out of the pony tail

From the front out of pony tail. his normal look


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