# what do they want?



## ariahsmum (Jun 15, 2004)

What is this crazy preoccupation with "How are you doing?" Asked in a greeting kind of way... do they want me to answer, seriously?

They ask if I am doing "better". Better than what? Better than yesterday when I was crying? God forgive me for crying. I must not be doing "well".

They tell dh to watch for depression... I LOST MY FU%^ING BABY AND MY UTERUS!!!! Watch out for DEPRESSION?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm not meaning to piss on depression, but good lord, what do people think?

They want to know if I am "getting out" Like it matters to me whether or not I slumped my filleted and crumpled body across the street to the mailbox... to them it is a sign that i am doing "Better" and am not getting too "depressed". To me it is a sign of nothing, other than i dragged my battle wounded and blood deficient body across the street. You know what? When I got home, my boy was still dead, his ashes still the only proof I have of him in physical form, my uterus is still in an incinerator somewhere, my body is still dilapidated and broken, and the mail is full of "so sorry for your loss" cards.

But the rest of the world can breathe a sigh of relief, "Jaya got to the mailbox today."

What do they want? They want to feel like, "phew, she's doing better. We don't have to sit with the pain of losing a child and all future children."

Rant over.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

I am so sorry mama.
I wish there was something i could say but i know it all just sounds pathetic...
so i dont know what to say, except im sorry.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Answer them realistically. Either they want to let you talk, or they don't and will not ask you the question again. You will find out pretty darn fast.

I don't know about you, but I have a little sadistic side that likes to scare people, to let them know that pregnancy is not always all 'happy, happy'. After talking to me, a little bit of blind optimism has been wiped out of their lives. As it should be. People will never forget your experience, your loss.

I'd probably be one of those people sending a 'thinking of you card', not knowing what else to do. Well, I would bring you food, to nourish your poor body. Wish I could.

Rage away, we will listen. Feel free to rage at me, if I said anything that makes you want to.

Keri


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

After we lost Raime, I'd always say I was 'fine' when people asked how I was doing. This time... I'm honest. If I don't want to get into it, I just say that some days are better than others. The other day someone I don't much care for asked me how I was... and I just bluntly said 'My daughter recently died and my husband just deployed for 6 months.' She just stared at me LOL
It felt good to be honest.


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## trini (Sep 20, 2005)

Hugs to you. After my son died, I could never answer even the flippant "How are you?" asked by a grocery cashier. I'm not "fine." I'm not "okay." Sometimes I'd just say, "I'm here." At least that was the truth.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

jaya,
in the immediate time after coral died, it didn't feel to me like i was even a part of the world going on around me. it didn't seem fair that i would have to 'jump back in'. it didn't even seem fair that i would have to speak words to have a conversation. what was there really to say? i just wanted to be alone in my stupor of heartbreak. and there was definately pressure to 'chin up' 'hold strong' 'get through'. people have no idea, and you're absolutely right when you say that showing a sign of 'doing ok' like getting the mail, would give some people the feeling of 'phew- well, i guess WE can move on now that they are doing better'.

i really wanted it to be back in the time when people wore a black band and were left to mourn for a good long year, before they had expectations put back on.

you should cry for as long and hard as you need or want to. and then if you feel like you want to have a break, make a smile, that is ok too.

sometimes, people inquiring about how you're doing is a nice sign that they care, but they don't know how just that very question can make it worse.

i remember like it was yesterday. i felt insane. or i felt like everyone else was. one or the other.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Jaya,

I don't think I have yet expressed my condolences for your loss - the loss of your child and the loss of your fertility. I read your story and you have been through so much and I have been thinking of you.

Your post brought me back. Going through something so deep and horrible as losing your own child brings out a side of people you will never forget. You begin to understand who you can count on and who you can't. People get divided into those that "get it" and those that don't. Unfortunately, for most people, the "those that don't" pile is bigger, usually much bigger.

Personally, I felt the need to educate and not give the chin up attitude. I didnt' want these idiots to move on without having some idea of what this is all about in case they run into someone else in the same situation and treat them the same way. I felt like I was saving future parents from other's stupidity.

To say it's all so hard is an understatement. I don't know of much that is harder in this life. As someone else said, feel free to rant and vent as scream here as much as you want. There is NOTHING you can say that will surprise or shock those of us who have been in your shoes. Nothing.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I felt the same way...
I think the weirdest was when the coroner called me two weeks after Jericho's death. She said it was routine that in any infant loss case that they do an investigation to make sure the doctor isn't at fault and that it's custom to call the parent and report the results. Obviously, it wasn't their fault (birth defect) so it was just a paperwork call.
There was this awkward silence after that and then she asks me, "How are you feeling?" and encourages me to talk to her. She was the !#%* coroner!! I don't know her! What does she want me to do? I felt so incredibly awkward...


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i think the only thing that any one could say to me that did not make me scream inside my head was:

i love you

so....sweet momma...i am so sorry and i do love you...i am holding you are your broken body in so much love...it think of you every day since i read trace's story.

it was so beautiful...and touched me so much...i was so afraid and disgusted to hold my Rain, when they handed her to me frozen...i kept on begging, please bringme my baby...and they finaly did and she was frozen.

i almost threw her.

it hurts.
it hurts and noone does understand.,..and they do want you to feel better so that they can go on....but you won't go on.

a part of me died with Rain.

my mom
(who i love and trust deeply) would constantly respond with "i know" when i would try and open up to her...and i would have to say over and over..."stop, you don't know....you don't f-ing know...all your babies lived. my baby is dead...you don't know"

she still says it though...
it is b/c she knows that she loves me...i am her baby.

and i love you.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

My condolences to you. It is SO hard.

You know, when people asked me that question I would just answer honestly. Sometimes with more detail and sometimes with less. The least detailed I ever gave was always, "I'm hanging in there"-- as in not worse than I was the day before. I would give that response if I was in a hurry at work or it was someone I didn't know well or something. But often I gave more detail. And with a very few exceptions (who were people who were always rude anyway even before my loss, they just were raised in a barn apparently), the reactions I got were usually very positive and sympathetic. Sometimes people would even ask me more questions about it and give me the chance to talk about how I felt more, and sometimes they would share stories about their own or their mothers' similar experiences.

Now that it's been more than a year I don't get asked nearly as much, so at least I can tell you with some confidence that eventually people will probably stop bugging you.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I had to just start telling people "I'm fine" because the "I don't really want to talk about it" wasn't working.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Sometimes I say "I'm fine" . . . .most often when I just cannot go into it and I know they really don't want to hear the truth.

Othertimes, I reply, "Do you really want to know?". Most often I get a funny look for this reply, but occasionally I get to unload my real feelings. It does help. Most often, I just come here.

Unload, vent here. We have been in similar shoes, walked your path.


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## Tan II (Sep 10, 2006)

Hi Jaya

I am truly sorry for your loss. To have to bury your child is the hardest thing one can imagine. In life we are conditioned to bury our parents, not our children.

My son died 3 years ago this sunday. He was 3 months old.
The "how are you " question said with a smile (optional), or the "are you ok" question still annoys the crap out of me.

People expect you to talk about your inner most feelings as if you are discussing Idol. The worst part, is that if you do open up a little, and they don't even listen.

I understand your irritation, and agree with you. People are just to damn nosy.

I normally say I am fine. As some have already said, people don't want to hear you're not fine. That you are falling apart and barely keeping it together.

I found joining this forum was my saviour. I could say what I felt without being judged, or make excuses. People here understand your pain. When they ask "how are you", they really want to know.
When u r having a bad day, people here don't feel uncomfortable with it. With your pain, loss and grief.

So do what I did ( and still do if I need to). I put on my "happy face" and say I'm fine. To those I can take off my "happy face" and say I'm not fine, I do.
It's easier that way.

People really do mean well, well most of them. They just don't know what to say. They feel really awkward, and land up saying silly things.

I'd rather people said nothing, than talk rubbish.








It does get easier.

Tan


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Jaya,
I so wish I could reach throught this screen and hold you. I am so sorry for the assclown comments that others make, either to your face or behind it...








Thank you for coming here and sharing...please keep sharing, keep talking, keep crying, get angry, punch a pillow, scream...do what you need to...
and screw those assclown!!!!


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I ask "how are you?" and I really mean it and want to know. I know how hard it is to lose a child/baby and when I ask another mom this, it is becuase I want to try and be there in the moment with you/them. It is sad that some people use that as a way of starting a conversation. If you are not "fine" etc, I want to know. i know there is nothing I can do to make you feel better...this is how i feel becuase...

It seems that people just want life to be rosy all the time and that if you are sad/mad etc for too long something must be wrong with you, like there is a certain amt of time you should grieve. I am still sad about my baby and no one seems to understand it (well not in my non- online life).

I miss my baby everyday!







:

Jaya- I understand how you feel. *hugs* and yet, i can't because your feelins are yours and you have to feel however you are feeling.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

My parents still get so angry when someone asks how they're doing. What do people expect? I know I should be understanding of what it feels like to have no clue (after all, I was one of the clueless at one time), but it gets old. I give a fakey answer especially if it's a fakey person asking in a fakey way (not genuine).








s Jaya


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

I say I'm fine. Because I don't have the energy to actually express my true feelings. Even in private I have a very hard time letting go.

But deep down I do know that I just want to scream out from the rooftops that my son died! HOW can you ask me how I am doing? WHAT do you want to hear? Because I cannot put into words how I feel. I feel like ----- If I had to express it these people who ask would be scared. Because I would cry out in a deep raging primordial scream from the depths of my soul. There is no other way to even remotely begin to express to someone else how I feel about my son's death.

I'm not angry, I'm not sad or depressed. I'm not any of these feelings that people associate with death. I'm beyond the feelings that have names to them. I am primal. A mother lion in the woods trying hard to wake up her dead infant cub. No way to for her to express it other than sounds. She has no words for which we understand.

That is how I feel. So if they really want to know. They'll be scared of my answer. They won't know how to handle it. No person who has not lost a child would know how to handle it.


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## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

We all do the generic "I'm fine" with a crazy look on our face that tells the true story.
But to all those that feel the need to scream; "WHY GOD??"
"WHY WAS HE TAKEN FROM ME"
Or whatever it is that is deep in your soul to scream...... Do it.
It really helps. It also helps if it is at your house and not in the mall.
But it helps.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bbaron* 
It also helps if it is at your house and not in the mall.
But it helps.









Hmm, I can see myself now- having one of my primal moments right in the middle of Hot Topic.









That sooo cheered me up.


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