# alternate names for a grandpa-figure?



## myniyer (Feb 24, 2004)

My father has passed on and my mother is remarried. She wants her husband to be "Grandpa Jim" to my daughter. I agreed very reluctantly because I want him to have a relationship with her - but on a gut level I am uncomfortable with the "grandpa" moniker because I feel it diminishes the importance of her blood grandfather, with whom I was very close.

As time is passing, my mother is dropping the "Jim" part of the designation more and more and referring to him only as "Grandpa."








I am NOT comfortable with this. They live out of town, so we do have some time to address this problem before their next visit.

I thought of coming up with a new name for him, and referring to him by this name when we look at pictures together (which we do frequently). Then hopefully she will use that name as well, and my mom and stepdad will accept it as just "the name she chose to call him." However I am blanking out at the actual name part.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what he could be called? If it helps, my dh is from India, and his parents are Thatha and Paathi to her. Thanks in advance


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

your dd is too cute!!

my son calls my stepdad "poppy"


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

What is your nationality? Are you comfortable using that sort of name instead of Grandpa, or do you not want any version of Grandpa?

There is Pop, Poppy, Umpah. My dhs uncle goes by Jaju ( the polish word for Grandpa) and it is cute.

Don't have any other ideas sorry HTH

Edited to add ITA your dd is just too too cute! Chrissy you are quite the beauty yourself! as is the rest of your family


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

My dad is Poppy to my DD. My grandpa is Papaw. Are those to related to Grandpa?


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## RBinTEX (Apr 16, 2004)

I'm from the south, where we use all kinds of funky names to refer to relatives. My kids have a "grampa" and a "papaw". My dad passed away before my kids were born. My mom's husband is the only "grampa" they have ever known, and he is good to them. They would have called my father by that name. They know he is not my father, and that they have a "grampa" that died, but they are living, and so is the man that builds them swings and takes them to rent videos and eat ice cream. He deserves the title. I don't know how you feel about your mom's husband, but err on the side of love. The more people your kids feel close to, the better.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I'm from a family of **multiple** divorces. I don't think there is a single parent, aunt, uncle etc who is still on their first marraige.







But don't get me started on *that*.









My children call my mother's current dh "Gran-pa Joe" (FTR, I should say this is the only Gran-pa Joe my kids have had). My father is GrandDad, and nobody else will have that moniker.


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## BklynJen (Mar 11, 2004)

How about GrandJim, Granjim, Geejim, or something like that?

Edited to add:

Or.....

You could call Jim and ask him what he would like to be called. You could mention your senstivity to the name "Grandpa" because of your father while letting him know what an important figure he will be in your DD's life. He could take a little time to think about what he would like to be called and come up with something personal, meaningful, and fun. He'd get to pick the name of his choice, and nobody's feelings would be hurt.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

If this guy is a grandpa to your child let him have the title.

My dh was always denied calling the only grandfather he knew "grandpa" because his mom somehow took offense that her dad (who died before dh was born) somehow was losing out.

My DH hated that he wasn't supposed to call this dear man grandpa.

My mom's husband is a wonderful grandfather to my children. It does not diminish my departed father!

Blood is NOT thicker than water. Actions and love are the most important.

Let this GO!


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I agree with maya43.


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## spacedog (Jan 3, 2005)

I used to call my moms dad (both 100%polish) .. jaja also and my grandma was busha
My dad is half welsh and so we call him Teid (tide) I'm not sure of the spelling off hand... and my mom just wants to be called Nana...

Neat thread! I'm interested to see what others have to say!









Andrea


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## earthenware (Oct 26, 2004)

I lost alot of sleep over this issue when I was pregnant! Both my DH and I have divorced parents. Of the four parents, two are re-married (one on her 3rd marriage), one is in a very long term relationship (over 16 years, no plans to marry) and one is single. I had issues with my baby having (possibly) EIGHT grandparents - I felt it was too many and diminished the special status of the blood grandparents, especially my dad, the only single one who has alot of (understandable) issues with my mom's spouse... who would now also be 'Grandpa' to *his* grandbaby. This was further complicated by the fact that my DH and I have a good relationship with one step-parent but the other two have not always been loving and kind towards us. One of them was downright cruel to my DH as a child (when she married his father). So, then it was hard to find a way to paint them all with the same brush. I also have issues with the stability of one of the relationships, and that aside, not all marriages last forever, so what if someone gets divorced (um, again)? Will Grandpa-Joe (a step-parent) be out of our lives and Grandpa-Bob take his place when she re-marrries? Is that fair to a child?

In the end I got very wound up about this issue and consulted my mom who suggested I just let each grandparent pick their own special names, hoping that each one would be unique. So far this is working well, although we do have two Grandmas but that was *their* choice, so no hurt feelings there. The two step-parents we were not feeling comfortable labeling Grandparents have started calling themselves simply by their first names (signing cards that way, etc) so that is fine with us. And my Dad has chosen the traditional German name for Grandpa, Opa, which we kids also call his father.... and I am thrilled with that!

The important thing is for your step-father to feel included and for your daughter to feel like he is a special part of her life, which hopefully he will be. I would choose any term of endearment, some mentioned above, maybe something physical about him (we have a very large grandpa who was named Big Papa by his first great-grandchild), or any name from another language. I really understand your need to honor your father. By calling your step-dad another special name he will still hold a special place in your daughter's life - a rose by any other name will still smell as sweet! I think your idea to guide your daughter through pictures to call him by this name before she sees him again is a nice way of handling it without hurting his feelings but if you think he might be understanding you might try talking to him and asking if he has a special name in mind. Good luck!


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## girlzmommy00 (May 15, 2003)

When I was growing up, I had Pop-Pop & Grampy. The girls have Poppy. Any grandmothers were Grandma "last name" for me & they are Grammy & Grandma for the girls now. If Grandpa doesn't feel right for you, I'd find another variation. My in laws picked their own titles & that was fine by me.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

We have Poppi & Big Harry


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## onthemove (Aug 5, 2004)

My mom is also remarried to a Jim and my dd's call him Poppa or Poppa Jim. When I was a child i had a step- grandparent and we called him Poppa Harris(his last name)

My dad and my dh's dad are Grandpa's.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

My dad is poopaw ~ don't ask. I like PawRan (spelling?).

Maybe Grandad rather than Granpa.

I called my mother's father Mike and DD calls my step father by his first *and* last name (another long and funny story).

Could you talk to your step-father? Does he have other grandchildren?

I know my step-mom had 'grandma' name picked out like 20 years ago ~ it's not like I had any choice in the matter. I like the name, don't get me wrong. I'm just throwing that out there to remind you that often the person being called the name decides, yk?

The child may alter it as time goes on as well. These things seem to have a life of their own, ime.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Before ds could say "grandpa", he started calling my dad "baha" and it stuck. (Pronounced ba-ha)


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## OnTheBrink (Jan 24, 2004)

When Emma was born, my husband Mike (her dad) was Daddy to her, logically. Then he died, I remarried and Rob (2nd husband) adopted Emma. She calls Rob Daddy because he IS her Daddy. He's the one that is here now. She has no memory of the man she now calls Daddy-Mike. I agree with the posters that say call him what he is.

I had multiple Grandpas growing up - Grandpa O, Grandpa J, Grandpa M, and Grandpa D! Can you distinguish like that?

Emma calls Mike's father Opa (german derivative). Maybe something like that?


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

DD & DS have a "Poppa" but that in no way is to diminish his grandfatherhood, it is just a preferece (that way they have a Grandma & Grandpa AND a Nana & Poppa).

Honestly, though, I would look at your motivations and really consider what message you are trying to send.

Is this man going to be a grandfather to your children? Is he interested in them (at least as much as his wife)? Etc...? Because, IMO, it in no way diminishes your attachment to your father to accept that your children may have a grandfather that is not *him*.

I would assume that your children (esp since they are not close) will call him what you call him (not what your mom calls him). Well, really once you have something long like "Grandpa Jim" there is a good chance it will be shortened anyway if your children have contact with him while still young.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

My nephew called my parents moggle and puckle for several years. He came up with it on his own and it was very adorable. He uses grandma and grandpa now. My nieces were taught to call my parents grandma last name and grandpa last name by my sil. The children use grandma and grandpa when they talk to them so it is really my sil who says it.
My dd uses grandma first name and grandpa first name for my parents, mil and fil. Mil and fil divorced and both re-married before dd was born. Mil has gotten divorced again so dh's stepfather is kind of out of the picture now. Fil's wife is just called by her first name because she is actually younger than I am and it is too weird to call her grandma.
I think if the man acts like a grandpa it doesn't diminish your own father being a grandfather too.
I never knew most of my grandparents at all because they died before I was born or when I was a baby. The only grandma I did know did not remarry. I really feel sad as an adult that I didn't know a grandfather or know my other grandmother. I can only wonder what having a grandfather in your life is like. I always wonder if they would have liked me or what they would have thought of me and my life. My deceased grandparents will always be my grandparents no matter that I never met them.
I think the best thing you can do to make sure your father isn't diminished is to first feel lucky that there is someone there for your child and then talk to your child about her other grandpa often. Talk about things you did together growing up. Talk about what he was like and how he would've reacted to things. Point out any traits your child shares with your dad to help make the connection. Example- Grandpa Steve loved to ice skate just like you do. He would be so proud of how well you skate!


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## swngrrl (Nov 24, 2002)

I have a related issue. My DH decided that he wanted to be called "Papa" rather than "Daddy", and now we're at a a loss as to what to call my dad. My sister's two boys call him "Pappa Jerry" (which is just shortened to Pappa or Pappi now). We've been resistant to that, as it seems confusing to have both Papa (which has now also become Pappi to my Mommy) and Pappa/Pappi. My dad does not live here, so we only see him a few times a year at best. But I do know he likes being called "Pappa".

I rather like "Opa" that someone's suggested. My mom is German, but my dad is not. But I think it's similiar enough to Pappa that it might fly.

Keep suggestions coming!


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2*

Honestly, though, I would look at your motivations and really consider what message you are trying to send.

Is this man going to be a grandfather to your children? Is he interested in them (at least as much as his wife)? Etc...? Because, IMO, it in no way diminishes your attachment to your father to accept that your children may have a grandfather that is not *him*.


I agree. If you would like him to treat your dc as a grandchild, let them call him grandpa. If he is supposed to treat them differently than a "blood" grandchild, then let him have a different name.

My stepson has a ton of grandparents through multiple divorces and marriages. He calls them all grandma and grandpa (and aunts, uncles, cousins-- I am the only "step"-- his choice) . He sees his "step" grandparents more than his bio grandparents. On our wedding day, he was excited to be getting two new grandparents. he is excited for his mom to remarry to get even more. It really isn't an issue for the kids, its just about us (adults).


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmoreno*
I It really isn't an issue for the kids, its just about us (adults).


HOW TRUE!!!!


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## myniyer (Feb 24, 2004)

Interesting and thought-provoking replies. Thanks for the suggestions, all.

I was surprised that so many people said go ahead and leave him as grandpa. I'd like to explain my feelings on this more completely, and give you some background.

I guess the crux of this issue for me is that he does not act like I feel a grandfather should. He has two biological grandchildren in addition to my daughter and he treats them quite differently from how he treats mine.

When they were out to visit this last time I was very excited. I called him and asked him what he would like to do while here, so I could make plans and make our time together, although limited, as special as possible. He replied that he wanted to go visit his grandchild who also lived here. This hurt my feelings... I replied, "I meant, what would you like to do *with us*" and he hemmed and hawed and couldn't think of anything.









I don't feel he deserves to be called Grandpa. I feel this elevates him to a status he doesn't deserve and belittles the memory of a man who would have been so much more to her. Who knows, things may change... but for right now I bristle every time someone uses that name to refer to him. It's like calling him my father... he is a family member, and a friend, but not my father, and never will be.


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## HerthElde (Sep 18, 2003)

My gramma's fiance is "Papa Ray" to my cousin's 3 year old, and dd'll be using the same. So, my suggestion is "Papa Jim"


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## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

I had this very similar hurtful experience myself as a child. My dad's mother died when my dad was 12, and his father remarried soon after. Because my dad was uncomfortable calling this new wife "Mom," his stepmother was abusive to him and worked hard to keep his father away from his life once he grew up. The issue was mostly that this 12 year old boy, whose mother had just died a year before, could not bring himself to call his stepmother by the same name he called his mother.

When I was born, my parents lived in the same town with my grandfather and his wife, and my grandfather had to sneak in visits to see me (his only grandchild) by doing it on the way home from work. My parents said I used to stand at the screen door every evening, hoping my Grandpa would come.

When my parents moved away, somehow the relationship healed to the point that my grandfather and his wife would visit us twice a year. I was told to call his wife by her first name. I never knew the sad history or what significance she took in my not calling her Grandma. I knew my dad had a mom who died, and that was my grandma, and that "Sue" was my dad's stepmom. She was not really very into my brother and I, but was pleasant enough on our visits. I was very close with my Grandpa and loved his special packages that he'd send me four or five times a year -- trinkets and candy and cheese popcorn.









My grandfather died when I was 10. At the funeral, his wife took me aside and said, "You know all those packages you got from us? That was your grandfather's thing. There won't be any more of those." A few weeks later, a box came addressed to me, full of dozens of pictures of my brother and I that my parents had sent them, with a note that "Sue" thought I might want those now.

Calls slowed down from "Sue," and visits stopped. She came to my Bat Mitzvah with her boyfriend, breaking my heart. Over the years, whenever she'd find more pictures, she'd mail them to me. I told her once, when I was about 16, that it hurt my feelings -- made me feel like she didn't want to think of herself as my grandmother. She said she just thought I'd like to have them.

Now fast forward to the birth of my daughter. I sent her pictures apparently a little too late, because she called me 5 weeks after DD's birth to scream at me -- that I had never liked her, that I had never seen her as a grandmother, that I couldn't even take the time to send her pictures of my child, that I REFUSED TO EVEN CALL HER GRANDMA! That was the biggie. She blamed me for that. All those years of nastiness -- mostly for the same reason that she was nasty to my father: we couldn't call her by the name she wanted.

I have no lesson here. I would do it the same way; she didn't deserve to be called "Mom" by my dad, and didn't deserve to be called "Grandma" by me. The only thing that might have helped both of us is if my dad had been honest with her from the beginning: "Sue, I am telling Debi to call you by your first name because I am not comfortable with her calling you Grandma. This is my decision and not hers -- if you have any issues with it, please let's talk about it now while she is still young enough to learn a new name." At least discuss this with Jim, before any bitterness seeps too deep into the relationship...that's all I can recommend.

It's a tough decision. Good luck.


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## threeforme2005 (Sep 12, 2004)

My dad is "Papa" to his grandkids

My FIL is "Opa" to his grandkids

Good luck finding a new name


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Myniyer, I read your post where you explained your feelings and I understand where you are coming from. However, I agree with the other poster who said that this is an adult's issue and not a child's issue. I think it would be a shame if you went out of your way to make it obvious that this man is NOT your dc's grandfather, because what your dc is going to take from that is that she does NOT have a grandfather.

Is it possible that your stepfather treats your child differently because of the way you treat him? I don't know what your relationship to this man is, but if you treat him like an imposter, he'll probably respond in kind.

My granddaddy died when I was six. When I was nine, my gramma married my grampa. He was my grampa. My granddaddy was my granddaddy. I remembered my granddaddy vaguely and knew he loved me, but my grampa was my grandfather because he was the one who was there.

My own kids have a Gramma and Grampa [surname] (my mom and stepdad), a Gramma and Grandpa [surname] (my stepmom and dad), and a Gramma [first name] and Pappy (dh's parents). I don't consider any of them to be more or less her grandparents just because some have blood ties and some don't. (And both of my stepparents entered my life when I was an adult.)

That would be like saying my son's birthparents are more his parents than we are because they have blood ties and we don't.

Regardless of whether you feel that your dad would have been a better grandfather to your child, the fact remains that your stepfather is the one who will be filling that role. How old is your daughter? Can she say "Grandpa" or does it come out sounding cute and funny, like "Gappa" or something like that? How about using her mispronunciation, if she has one? How about asking Jim what he wants to be called? How about talking about this whole situation and trying to clear the air and clear up any misconceptions? If *you* want to choose another name to call him, don't tell your mom that your *daughter* chose this name. That would be lying.

In the end, you have to do what you can live with, but as I mentioned before, I think that it will do your daughter a disservice to have this man treated like an imposter in her life.

Namaste!


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

DS came up with the name Fafa for my dad, our kids' only living grandfather. Both he and DD still use that.

With DD, we started calling the Grandmothers Yaya: Yaya firstname is my mom, Yaya last name is DH's. Now DD uses Granma for DH's mom, but I encourage Yaya for my mom, she loves the unique name. We didn't know it at the time, but Yaya (or Yiayia?) is an eastern european word for grandmother. We learned from a family up the street that it's Greek and from my best friend that it's apparently also Polish. It's probably Slovak and others as well?

In any case, Mom liked Fafa because it's like a shortened form of father squared (Mom's degree is in math). It also follows the pattern of American Sign Language for father (open hand, thumb touches forehead) and grandfather (sign "father" then move hand out from forehead in 2 arches).


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

It seems like this stuff is like some vicious circle. My mom's mother died before I was born, and my grandfather remarried. My mom was furious about the circumstances of the remarriage, which I think she had a right to be. (I don't want to elaborate, but I suspect you would agree.) But it wasn't her stepmom's fault that her dad was such a jerk. Anyway we called her Jo-Jo (her name was Josephine.) She was, I have to say, so nervous around me as a child that she seemed kind of terrified.

Not all grandparents are so great, even the ones that aren't step-grandparents.

I think Grandpa Jim was a good compromise, or another honorific title + first name would work. I like HerthElde's idea, "papa Jim"--it sounds good.


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## MamaHippo (Dec 4, 2004)

My sis's DD, born when she was 16, has a lot of grandparents via divorce but she and my sis lived with my mom and dad for 4 years. She is very close to my dad, so she developed a more special name for him. So she called my dad Papa, her biological dad's dad Grandpa Brad, and her biological dad's stepdad Grandpa Randy. Her Papa was special because he was the male figure in her life, as her bio-dad is flighty and unstable. She came up with Papa all on her own, with no prompting. Papa started out as "Gappa", then went to "Bappa", then evolved into "Papa". Maybe let your babe develop his own word?
My paternal grandparents are Dutch, so i have always called them Oma and Opa. I have had friends that have called their grandfathers Peepaw, Poppy, GrandDad, Nonno, and Grancha (Welsh).


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I am going to have to agree with Maya on this one. I have the EXACT SAME situation in many ways. My parents are divorced, my father is dying and my mother is remarried pretty recently and for the 4th time. This husband will be my DD's only grandfather soon as my dad will die sometime in the next 9 months or so.

Part of me really resents having my DD call my mother's husband "grandpa".

But...when I was growing up, my grandfather was remarried later in life to the most wonderful, lovely, happy, vivacious woman. I loved her with all of my heart, she was definitely "grandma" to me. But my mother wouldn't allow me to call her that because it upset her too much. I was always pretty resentful of that. And this woman had biological grandchildren and maybe even treated them differently - I only know the way she treated me and I adored her.

So...I'm sorry if it isn't what you want to hear but I think I would go with what ever the children are comfortable with.

It's a tough situation, hugs to you.


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## Saiahma (Jul 2, 2003)

My DS calls my step-dad Papa Rick, and my real dad is Papa Larry. I'm not sure how that happened now that I think of it because I don't call my real dad by his first name, but DS does lol.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BklynJen*
You could call Jim and ask him what he would like to be called. You could mention your senstivity to the name "Grandpa" because of your father while letting him know what an important figure he will be in your DD's life. He could take a little time to think about what he would like to be called and come up with something personal, meaningful, and fun. He'd get to pick the name of his choice, and nobody's feelings would be hurt.









ITA! I would think he'd feel even better to be included in the decision and to understand your concerns.

We have Grandpa & Arlie (my parents- my best friend's daughter has Down Syndrome, couldn't say "Kathy" as a little girl & Arlie just stuck!), Grandma (dh's mom) and Opa & Oma (FIL & wife). It seems to work for everyone having their own special name.

My cousins had Grandma & Granpa _______ on each side, but instead of last names, they used their dogs' names!! :LOL


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