# Did your Hubby "get it"



## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

Our son Brock was stillborn just over 2 weeks ago onMay 22. We laid him to rest on May 26. Anyway, after the funeral my hubby told me to get over and to move on and to quit dwelling in the past. I cannot deal with the lack of support from him. Afterall How can he not get it? His son died too. I am trying to think he cant revisit the feelings after our twin daugheters were stillborn nearly 7 years ago, but PLEASE feel something!! I have been crying for 2 days strait and i cannot eat or sleep. I have lost 14 lbs since 2 days afer his birth. everytime I go to the bathroom I am reminded I am no longer pregnnat. My breasts are still full of milk for my son who will never get oursihment from me. I am in a mad dash to sell all of my newborn cloth diapers since i feel they are staring at me and taunting me. I ave freinds that zre pregnant and due the day after I was, all with boys, and I cannot even talk to tehm right now. My hubby says I am being stupid and I am dwelling. I spent last week at the Miss foudnation child loss conference. and it was a wonderful expeirence but I couldnt help but be jealous of all the moms whos hubbys seems to get it right away. I feel like my hubby must just be heartless, and it is hurting our marriage. I dont want this to hurt us. The death of our twins brought us closer, but after brock was born i feel a HUGE wedge!!

Someone tell me i am not alone!! or if I am I guess tell me that too


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## DoulaClara (Jan 3, 2006)

Melissa, you aren't alone.

My DH (then my boyfriend) did not get it at all when I miscarried our baby. I cried alone, and I remember her (in my dreams she is always a girl) alone and he to this day refuses to acknowledge it ever actually happened. My mom thinks that he is remembering or acknowledging her in his own way, but I'm not sure.

In your case, it sounds like the baby was much further along than mine was- you do both need each other right now very much, but he may be so wrapped up in his own version of how to grieve and cope, that your grieving style is derailing what he is trying to do (essentially, to forget away his pain).

Your baby was very much a part of you, and you have so much still going on inside of you hormonally. I would recommend asking your care provider or doula to recommend support groups or a grief counselor, if that is what you are into (even if your DH is not, go, and you will probably gain some tools to help you live with this -instead of "moving on" or "getting over it," as some callous people like to word it.)















Melissa, and we will remember your sweet little guy with you. I hope you and your DH get into step with each other soon- this is a hard thing for you both, but from personal experience, it does seem harder on the momma.

Clara


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## Plady (Nov 20, 2001)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. It is awful enough to have your heart broken once, then twice and now feeling disconnected from your dh must just be the final straw. I think it will just take time and men and women do really grieve very differently, at least my dh and I had very different experiences dealing with our dd's death. For quite a while he would refer to her as "the episode" or "the tragedy" but he only recently started calling her by her name.
I hope that you can find support here in the meantime.
I am so so sorry for your loss and what you are going through now.
:heatbeat
Penelope


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and what you are going through.







My dh was the same way after my miscarriage. The day after it happened he said "yesterday while it was happening I was sad, but now I'm over it". I am so glad I found the wonderful support system here. Just to share my story with women who understood and to read their stories of loss helped me so much. I think Clara had a wonderful idea of searching out whatever support group or counceling will help you the most. It sounds like your dh is in denial and until he comes around you need some support from people who understand.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I think your hubby is hurting and doesn't know how to express it. Everyone goes through grief differently and expresses it differently. It really does sound like he's in denial and he's just trying to surpress it because maybe it hurts less that him that way right now. I feel like I'm kind of in denial as well right now. It just hurts less to stay busy and not think about anything and pretend it didn't happen, you know?

So sorry you're going through this mama..I know it hurts..


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I could not read this post and not give you a HUGE HEARTFELT WARM







.
No words of wisdom from me.. just a







!!!


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you had to go through this not only once, but twice. I agree with what was said above. I, imo, think you're hubby may be grieving, just in his own way and doesn't know how to deal with a second loss. More than likely, its hard and frustrating for him, too. I'm not sure what advice to give you but I do wish you luck and I will be praying for you guys.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I also agree with what others have said.

When I had my son, also stillborn, the only grieving I saw from my DH was when I delivered and I wouldn't even have noticed if it weren't for the nurse who said "look at the father." He has never really cried before, at least in front of me, and he was bawling...

I asked him a while after it happened, and he said he had to be strong for me. He hurt, but just in a different way than I did. I spent many lonely nights crying myself to sleep, while he lay their snoring. I felt like punching him. Why should I be the only vulnerable one? After prying and prying, even though I probably shouldn't have, I got more of what I needed from him, but it still doesn't help me when I am thinking about my son, and he has *no* idea about why I am mad....

Mary


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

Thank you mamas, This has been tough and hubby sint making it any easier for me. last night I had a very strange thing happen and my midwife just confirmed after seeing what happend. Aparently Brock had a twin. I cannot bleive this myself so I cannot imagine how others must think, but hubby says it is stupid for me to be sad about a baby i didnt know about... maybe it is, so maybe I will have to go get a manicure tonigt so i feel better about me LOL


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

Oh Melissa- I am so soo sorry for your loss.
My dh definitely dealt with his emotions after our son Finn was stillborn very differently from me. For me he was good about trying to be there but when his good friend called about 2 weeks after it happened to ask how he was doing, dh said he was fine and just laughed and talked about football. When he got off of the phone I just yellled at him, asking why he couldn't admit to his friend that everything sucked and it wasn't OK. He just said "he knows that it sucks, he doesn't need to hear that." We went together to a suppport group a couple of times, but I got more out of it when I went alone. With him there I had to contain my emotions, because if I got upset it would upset him. I couldn't get much out of the support group when I had to worry about him and not just take care of myself. A friend and I were recently having a sexist discussion about emotions. Our emotions seemed to be housed in rooms inside our hearrs. It seems MOST men (this was a sexist discussion) can close the doors on those emotions when it would help them to move on while MOST women do not even have doors on the rooms. If we have an emotion we deal with it because we have to, while often the men in our lives will deny it because they can.
I don't mean to babble your post just seemed to fit so well with my discussion from the other night. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please be gentle with yourself and get what you need from wherever you can, trying not to fault your dh for what he can't give. My prayers go out to your family and your beautiful son Brock.
Peace and love.


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## FrozenMommy (May 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KYCat*
Oh Melissa- I am so soo sorry for your loss.
My dh definitely dealt with his emotions after our son Finn was stillborn very differently from me. For me he was good about trying to be there but when his good friend called about 2 weeks after it happened to ask how he was doing, dh said he was fine and just laughed and talked about football. When he got off of the phone I just yellled at him, asking why he couldn't admit to his friend that everything sucked and it wasn't OK. He just said "he knows that it sucks, he doesn't need to hear that." We went together to a suppport group a couple of times, but I got more out of it when I went alone. With him there I had to contain my emotions, because if I got upset it would upset him. I couldn't get much out of the support group when I had to worry about him and not just take care of myself. A friend and I were recently having a sexist discussion about emotions. Our emotions seemed to be housed in rooms inside our hearrs. It seems MOST men (this was a sexist discussion) can close the doors on those emotions when it would help them to move on while MOST women do not even have doors on the rooms. If we have an emotion we deal with it because we have to, while often the men in our lives will deny it because they can.
I don't mean to babble your post just seemed to fit so well with my discussion from the other night. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please be gentle with yourself and get what you need from wherever you can, trying not to fault your dh for what he can't give. My prayers go out to your family and your beautiful son Brock.
Peace and love.

Agreed...men not only deal with emotion much differently but they TALK to each other much differently than women do. The fact that the male friend actually _asked_ how he was doing is amazing to me! Men reveal their emotions in such different ways than we do.

Your dh may even be angry that you are "allowed" to be sad/angry/upset and he is not (or he thinks he is not), so he is maybe taking it out on you.
Maybe he's afraid to deal with it all again. And especially since this one was a boy, maybe he's taking it that much harder and so is hiding his emotions more.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

The only outward greiving I saw from my DH was during the first week she was gone, and during her funeral & reception. After that....no more tears.
BUT..... I know my dh still grieves for our daughter. It is just different. He also feels helpless because I am so sad..I think for him that is the worse. Now that our 1 year anniversay is here....no outward greiving from him, but he has had a headache everyday & is very VERY tired.
So....I think your Dh is grieving your baby. Just in a very different way.







to you. I wish peace for both of you.


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## valmc (Apr 30, 2006)

I did not go through a stillborn but a miscarriage/induced abortion due to a tubal pregnancy. He was there at first and stopped being there and later I found out it was because he was so sad and angry and wanted the baby. Men grieve in a different way and sometimes don't know how to handle it. Try to realize that he is probably feeling the same way just not in the way you are. Ask him to talk about it and ask him if he is feeling this way because he is sad as well. Just don't give up hope!


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

I am very sorry about the loss of your son and daughters. I wouldn't know what to think if DH reacted like that. I still don't understand some things that DH has done, but in general he has been very supportive. He has had the need to go to talk to a grief counselor on a couple occasions, and that was a major thing for him to do. Of course they would wish to have their wives back and "get over with" maybe because it's hard to admit that we will never be the same.








Baby Brock


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Melissa,








I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy, Brock. Please know that you are not alone. You are wanted and needed here. Please know that you are welcome. We will hold you up and support you for as long as you need!


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## jet1295mamajenn (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *valmc*
I did not go through a stillborn but a miscarriage/induced abortion due to a tubal pregnancy. He was there at first and stopped being there and later I found out it was because he was so sad and angry and wanted the baby. Men grieve in a different way and sometimes don't know how to handle it. Try to realize that he is probably feeling the same way just not in the way you are. Ask him to talk about it and ask him if he is feeling this way because he is sad as well. Just don't give up hope!

I just wanted to chime in. We lost our third baby to a ruptured ectopic (left tube--they were going to remove the tube and when they went in, I had already ruptured, so more extensive surgery was needed).

My husband was very strong for me while I was in the hospital. We cried when we received the final confirmation that this is what was going on--the ectopic, I mean. His brother (was visiting us when this happened) and he did a lot of goofing around that actually helped me in the beginning.

Then the day I came home, and my parents, one of my sisters, and one of his brothers, plus our kids, were around, he went off in our room for quite a while. When I went in to check on him, he was sobbing. He just needed me to be okay enough and have others around to help with my needs, long enough for him to take the time to grieve. A few weeks later he had a rough drive home from work thinking about things, then we were going away to visit his family. He did some STUPID things that really ticked me off when I learned about them, while he was hanging out with his brothers. I was so mad because it made me feel like I was kind of alone at that time. I was shouldering the pain and dealing with it as best as I could. He went and got drunk, and smoked pot for the first (and ONLY--thank goodness, it was an awful experience) time in his entire life. I felt very betrayed b/c he knows how I feel about that, and because he was not "really" there at that point for me, but took an "easy' approach to handling his pain. It was a blessing that it was an awful experience, and that it hit him that he was pretty much leaving me to deal with things on my own by doing it. But yet another example of how I think most guys deal with emotions compared to most women.

I'm sure your husband is going through some hurt, too. Perhaps he just feels he needs to be strong, can't handle seeing you upset because his emotions might boil over, something. Hang in there. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and for the losses you have all experienced.

JET


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