# Please be gentle...



## theirmomjayne (Mar 21, 2006)

...with me. I've had it.

I know someone is going to chastise me for this, but I blew up and spanked my 6 yr old son. He has been...oh, I 'm just gonna use the word...a total brat this morning. (like almost every morning) I actually woke up well rested and happy this morning. It's like this kid gets JOY from pushing everyone's buttons. What's the purpose?

We are a homeschooling family, and when I try to share struggles, it's like everyone tells me to just put him in school. Yeah, but that will only solve my problems for about 3 hours a day. No, for him it's either homeschool, or boarding school.

I've asked my husband to stay home from work this evening because I'm a total basketcase.

I mean, I literally SCREAMED aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I was so frustrated. I'm surprised I didn't wake the dead or that any of the neighbors didn't knock on my door. I'm no longer shaking, but I still want to VOMIT, I'm so upset.







:


----------



## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

:
















I hope you get the help you need.


----------



## kittn (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theirmomjayne* 
...with me. I've had it.

I know someone is going to chastise me for this, but I blew up and spanked my 6 yr old son. He has been...oh, I 'm just gonna use the word...a total brat this morning. (like almost every morning) I actually woke up well rested and happy this morning. It's like this kid gets JOY from pushing everyone's buttons. What's the purpose?

We are a homeschooling family, and when I try to share struggles, it's like everyone tells me to just put him in school. Yeah, but that will only solve my problems for about 3 hours a day. No, for him it's either homeschool, or boarding school.

I've asked my husband to stay home from work this evening because I'm a total basketcase.

I mean, I literally SCREAMED aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I was so frustrated. I'm surprised I didn't wake the dead or that any of the neighbors didn't knock on my door. I'm no longer shaking, but I still want to VOMIT, I'm so upset.







:

It definitely sounds like your at the end of your rope. You need to find a way to take a break. Perhaps if you can tell a little more about what you child is doing then maybe someone can help you with strategies?


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I'm sorry







I know it's tough when you have a child that pushes your buttons. My daughter pushes mine too. I'm reading "raising your spirited child" and I realize that a lot of our problems are because I'm an extrovert and impulsive, whereas she's an introvert and analytical. She needs lots of time to consider things and I push her, so she shuts down, then we have problems and temper tantrums...mostly me having the tantrums!

I don't think that your a horrible mom for spanking. At least you're out looking for the tools to deal with the problem better in the future. There are people here who will bash, but everyone has their own situation and judgement never helps anyone, only keeps you from coming here in the future when you need help.

I too have spanked when I had absolutely no other tools to deal with problems. I explained to the kids that it's never ok to hit, even when I did it to them and that I am trying to teach myself how to not hit. I also apologize.

I have a friend who's mother gave her good advice when she saw that my friend had adopted a child that could push buttons really well. She said "honey, don't ever hit that kid because if you do...you'll never stop." and my friend has never hit her kid. I'm awed by her, she's awsome and so much better than me.

My kids will most likely need psychological help when they're older, but who doesn't, right? J/K!

Lisa (Mom to 3 wonderful children)


----------



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

I'm just going to say I know how you feel. I had a very similar day.


----------



## punkprincessmama (Jan 2, 2004)

I'm sorry you are all hurting







:


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I don't have any advice. But, I SO understand the "standing on the edge" feeling.

It feels a little better to vent it in writing, but not enough to get you through the day.

You need some time away. Even if that is a Gym membership, or walking at the mall every night. Your husband needs to carve out some time for you each day (or at least five days a week) and you need to get out of the house.

I don't know where you live, but maybe you could buy an ipod and just take a hike each day with nothing but YOUR music, and whatever you see around you.

Hang in there.


----------



## Live~Laugh~Love (Dec 21, 2004)

I totally understand. I agree yo are at the end of your rope. It happens, you are not a bad mom or anything, you made a choice your not happy with, we all do it mama. What actions are ticking you off the worst, lets start there, i will try to help... i have ben to parenting classes, and a lot of trainings, I dont agree with all that they say, but maybe some advice will help you.


----------



## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

Honey, you're a human being! We make mistakes. You can let your child know that you are working on handling your anger better. I think it's good for relationships to apologize. You could offer to make a special effort not to touch him when you're angry. To walk away, or even just scream "Argh!". Then, you could ask him to work on his behavior, and get his ideas on how you can help him change.

My dd is six, and she can even remind me when I start to lose it. You could have a "secret" word that you say to each other to remind you what you're working on. The sillier the word is, the better.


----------



## Mia Sara (Dec 19, 2006)

There was one time I lost it with DD (5) and spanked her and I felt like the most horrible beast of a mother that ever was... I had always sworn I would never hit a child. After it happened I went to her and apologized and explained to her as simply as I could why it happened and that it shouldn't have happened and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "that's ok mommy" and jumped on me and showered me with hugs and kisses. How wonderful children are! They are forgiving and loving by nature. Looking back now I am glad we had this experience because it taught me such a powerful lesson. Anyways that was the only time I spanked her. Use this as a learning experience. Move on, talk to your child, apologize and learn from it. Don't punish yourself any longer!










Mia


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

In the future, I want you to say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your son calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk to your son about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask him to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of him around to help remind you of his smallness and vulnerability. He is learning. You are learning. This thread "Parenting and Rage" has helped many mamas. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=rage

Be gentle with yourself. Can you talk more about what led up to the intensity?

Pat


----------



## Soundhunter (Dec 13, 2003)

scuba had some very useful and practical advice, nicely posted.

I just wanted to offer a







...you guys will be ok, he'll be ok, but everyone will certainly be better if you can do what you can to not let this happen again. It's just not necessary, there is always another way, whenever I've screwed up in anger I alsways see so many other ways I could've handled things better, when looking back in retrospect. But you'll both be ok, forgive yourself, and grow.


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
In the future, I want you to say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your son calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk to your son about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask him to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of him around to help remind you of his smallness and vulnerability. He is learning. You are learning. This thread "Parenting and Rage" has helped many mamas. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=rage

Be gentle with yourself. Can you talk more about what led up to the intensity?

Pat

Awsome! I'm not the OP but that was great advice for me too


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I had a similar period yesterday, sans spanking. Love the "adult" phrase and getting water. Love it. I'm going to do both. Actually, I think when DD has a tantrum I will offer her a drink, too.


----------



## kittn (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
In the future, I want you to say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your son calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk to your son about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask him to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of him around to help remind you of his smallness and vulnerability. He is learning. You are learning. This thread "Parenting and Rage" has helped many mamas. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=rage

Be gentle with yourself. Can you talk more about what led up to the intensity?

Pat

Im not OP but that was GREAT


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Theirmom,

I read through some of your old posts and saw that you are Catholic. That sounds like an important aspect of your family life, so I wanted to suggest the Grace-based discipline message board at Gentle Christian Mothers as an additional resource on your path toward gentle parenting. http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...rystal/gbd.php

Pat


----------



## theirmomjayne (Mar 21, 2006)

Thank you for the responses.

Even though he is not a good disciplinarian, my husband does give me time away when I need it. I really appreciate it. Generally, I'm a "housefly"....I don't even like to go out a lot....so when I need it, he gives it to me. (And I do the same for him; he'll be at a friend's house this Sunday for the football game!)

More later.....need to fix dinner.


----------



## damyen's mommy (May 5, 2005)

we all have these days. You have great advice on this thread advice that I will use also. Enjoy your break momma we all need it


----------



## mommy2girlies (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mountaingirl3* 
Honey, you're a human being! We make mistakes. You can let your child know that you are working on handling your anger better. I think it's good for relationships to apologize. You could offer to make a special effort not to touch him when you're angry. To walk away, or even just scream "Argh!". Then, you could ask him to work on his behavior, and get his ideas on how you can help him change.

My dd is six, and she can even remind me when I start to lose it. You could have a "secret" word that you say to each other to remind you what you're working on. The sillier the word is, the better.


This is great advice! I know the "secret" or we say "safe" word works alot. Especially when its silly. It kinda lets a bit of the frustration out in a laugh. My girls are 4 and 2 and my 4 yr old is very good at knowing exactly what will trigger me. I have to constantly remind myself that she's not doing it maliciously, but more out of curiousity. I've not spanked because I wouldn't know if I was spanking out of anger or trying to use it as a discipline tool and I think its too confusing to use hitting as a way to teach your children not to hit







:

Hugs mama,







Hope you get a much needed break. Even if its just holing yourself up in your room when dh is home and painting your toenails or reading a book/magazine.


----------



## mommy2girlies (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
In the future, I want you to say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your son calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk to your son about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask him to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of him around to help remind you of his smallness and vulnerability. He is learning. You are learning. This thread "Parenting and Rage" has helped many mamas. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=rage

Be gentle with yourself. Can you talk more about what led up to the intensity?

Pat

I think this is some of the best advice I've ever heard! Wow! Thank you Pat. This is something I will do in the future. Spanking is not a problem in our house, because its not something I will ever let myself do, but I sure can scream if Im pushed to the breaking point. It scares me, it scares the kids and its something I don't want to happen again. Thank you for your sage advice. Its empowering to feel like I can "handle" the situation better when it happens again.


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

How is it going mama? I know you have a lot on your plate.

Pat


----------



## almama (Mar 22, 2003)

As a homeschooling mom who has a six year old (and a 4 and 2 yo) who can push every button to the *max*, sometimes the best thing for all of us is for me to go away for 5 minutes until I can put his behaviors in perspective and handle things rationally. It helps me calm down and models for him a way for him to calm down when his world is going screwy.

He's smart, emotionally intense, sensitive and explosive - he also tries hard a lot of the time to keep his behavior in check. I read a great book called "Horses don't lie" (yes, it is about horses not kids, but. . .) and one thing the author emphasized was to pay attention and recognize "the try," even when it is tiny. It is the start of something much bigger.

Do you have a set quiet time during your day - a down time when everyone spends an hour or so alone? We all need it here and the kids are really off balance without it. An added benefit is when they are going wild at other times during the day, I suggest they take a quiet time rest and come back to us when they feel ready. It helps us all.

Best of luck.


----------



## theirmomjayne (Mar 21, 2006)

Thank you everyone again.
I know this is an old thread; it's been a while. Things are going somewhat better but we have a lot to work on. Old habits die hard....for each one of us in this household!


----------

