# Pregnant Women who complain CONSTANTLY?



## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Anyone else get extremely angry about it?
If I hear one more woman go on and on about how freaking hot it is outside and how they just wanna get their baby out cause they are uncomfortable and they can't sleep and yada yada yada, I am going to SCREAM.
Do they not realize that they should be greatful they made it that far in their pregnancy? They should be greatful their baby is alive and likely to be born healthy?
I sometimes just wanna tell them - well I would give everything to have my baby moving around in my belly making me hot and uncomfortable right now.


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## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

I know what you mean. I love being pregnant and will never take it for granted when it does happen. People that haven't experienced issues or loss probably just don't realize how lucky they are to be naive about it. My sil complained a lot when she was pg with twins and I was "waiting" at the time, but I wanted to be pg so baaaaddd...and this was before my losses last year. I just wanted her to see how fun it is to be pregnant and stop complaining!!!!

I also get irritated with people who worry about how their baby will look. I once heard a girl say she was going to have a c-section just because she didn't want her baby to have a cone head.







:

So yeah, I'm sorry, and I feel you!


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

yes, i feel resentful about it.







my due date is in 7 days and i wish that i was sitting in my recliner, sweating like a pig and feeling my baby boy move. oh, i wish it so bad!!!!!!

i don't even feel guilty about being resentful. I am pissed. I want my baby, they have theirs and they're complaining.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

Totally know where you're coming from. I recently had the experience of (finally!) being successfully pregnant after a string of miscarriages, and everybody kept trying to *commiserate* with me. "Oh poor you, to be so pregnant" "you must be so tired in this heat", that kind of thing. They just didn't get it, I was so freaking happy to be pg, who the heck cares about heartburn or insomnia? I wish everybody would celebrate pregnancy a little more-- not just pregnant women themselves, but society in general. Why do people treat it like such a burden?







:


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 
I recently had the experience of (finally!) being successfully pregnant after a string of miscarriages, and everybody kept trying to *commiserate* with me. "Oh poor you, to be so pregnant" "you must be so tired in this heat", that kind of thing. They just didn't get it, I was so freaking happy to be pg, who the heck cares about heartburn or insomnia? I wish everybody would celebrate pregnancy a little more-- not just pregnant women themselves, but society in general. Why do people treat it like such a burden?







:











I'm dealing with the same thing. Everybody asks me how I'm feeling, and seems to be baffled when I tell them I'm feeling *wonderful*. Sure, I have insomnia some nights and heartburn and swollen ankles and all that other stuff, and I'm huge during the hottest part of the year, but WHO CARES?!? After all the pain and heartbreak and tears, I don't care what discomforts I have to endure - they're all worth it if I get to bring this one home. The only person I "complain" to is my DH - because I know he wants to hear every little detail... I'd think he'd wrap me in cotton for the next 3 months if he could.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
Anyone else get extremely angry about it?
If I hear one more woman go on and on about how freaking hot it is outside and how they just wanna get their baby out cause they are uncomfortable and they can't sleep and yada yada yada, I am going to SCREAM.
Do they not realize that they should be greatful they made it that far in their pregnancy? They should be greatful their baby is alive and likely to be born healthy?
I sometimes just wanna tell them - well I would give everything to have my baby moving around in my belly making me hot and uncomfortable right now.

I don't know if this helps, but after reading many of the birth stories from this board and hearing you and other mothers talk, I don't take one second for granted! I look at those sweet pics people have of their sweet babies and remind myself of being in their shoes.

I can't change other women but I know that so many of you here have given me an entirely, new and permanent perspective.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

I think its completely insensitive to complain to someone who has had a loss, or suffered through infertility, about pregnancy aches and pains. Are you guys really getting this IRL or is this something you are just reading on the boards?

Just because someone might be uncomfortable and express that during pregnancy doesn't make them any LESS appreciative of the life inside them or the baby they are carrying than someone who doesn't complain at all.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

One of the biggest reasons I don't hang out in the due date clubs very often.. I just can't stand to hear complaining!


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I think its completely insensitive to complain to someone who has had a loss, or suffered through infertility, about pregnancy aches and pains. Are you guys really getting this IRL or is this something you are just reading on the boards?

Just because someone might be uncomfortable and express that during pregnancy doesn't make them any LESS appreciative of the life inside them or the baby they are carrying than someone who doesn't complain at all.

Nope - its in real life. I was at the doctors last Thursday listening to a woman talking to her doctor holding a Pregnancy and Childbirth book showing him that in it, it says that she can safely have a her baby at 36wks and insisting he "get him out cause I am tired of being pregnant now."







:

I am sure some people really are uncomfortable - I can only imagine what it is like to be 36wks pregnant as I have never been, nor ever will be. But must they be sour, and go on and on and on about it? Maybe they are ignorant to the fact that some people lose babies - and you NEVER know WHO you are talking to?


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

This is a hard one for me. I've lost 6 babies. I have a 4.5 y/o dd and a 2 y/o ds and I'm 27 weeks pregnant now. I have hyperemesis now, and did with my other two. I literally want to die. This one has been so bad, I actually entertained the idea of termination when it was brought up to me as an option becuase I was so sick, not responding to meds, etc. I am miserable pregnant. My abs separate, I have SPD so my legs and pubic bone hurt all the time, and I lose 30-40 pounds. At the same time, I struggle with my emotions and near hatred for pregnancy because of the babies I've lost, and I'm so grateful to be feeling as bad as I am because for me it means a healthy baby. It's such a yo yo coupled with pregnancy hormones, which just makes me a mess. Sadly, dh is having the big V, so this is our last bio babe.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I have a really hard time with this. I know A LOT of women IRL who are pregnant right now. I have really stepped back from the ones who are complainers. They know about my loss, and how hard we are ttc. So, WHY would you complain for one second to me? A couple of times I have actually responded with comments like "well, I'd love to have morning sickness right now." That being said, recently I've been making an effort to curb my negative thoughts about pregnant women, and celebrate what they have, even if they aren't. It's hard though







:


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I guess I feel differently about chronic complainers than people who are expressing discomfort or pain or whatever... there's a difference between someone who just constantly complains about everything - ugh, the sky is so BLUE today and the grass is SOOOOO green, I can't stand it... you know the type? That drives me generally crazy anyway, and if it's a pg woman doing it, I can't tolerate it anymore, you're right...

However, if I get pg again, I won't say I'm not going to complain and that I'm going to enjoy every moment etc. That's too far in the other direction for me. Sometimes pregnancy sucks. Sometimes life sucks. The glass is half full or half empty all the time, ya know? And one minute it looks one way, and the next minute, the light shifts, and it looks another.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I ran into a woman that I knew at the University on the bus today. She and I were to be due at the same time. August 21st. She looked amazing. My throat just locked. She was all smiles and sat down next to me and started going on about how uncomfortable she was, how she USED to love children, but now she HATED them because of this pregnancy....and on and on.....I wondered if she had a brain tumor....she never once mentioned that I had once been pregnant at the same time as her. She never mentioned the fact that she knew I'd OBVIOUSLY lost my baby as everyone in the psych dept at the University KNOWS. EVERYONE KNOWS! She never offered any understanding...just "You are SO lucky to not be dealing with this!!"

OMG! I wanted to grab her beautiful belly and put it on MY body! I wanted to tell her "HEY...if you are so unhappy, I will take her off your hands!!"

But I just smiled, sat silent, and wondered why they do not teach psych majors anything about empathy. I guess you have it, or you don't.

She obviously doesn't have it.


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## francesmama (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I ran into a woman that I knew at the University on the bus today. She and I were to be due at the same time. August 21st. She looked amazing. My throat just locked. She was all smiles and sat down next to me and started going on about how uncomfortable she was, how she USED to love children, but now she HATED them because of this pregnancy....and on and on.....I wondered if she had a brain tumor....she never once mentioned that I had once been pregnant at the same time as her. She never mentioned the fact that she knew I'd OBVIOUSLY lost my baby as everyone in the psych dept at the University KNOWS. EVERYONE KNOWS! She never offered any understanding...just "You are SO lucky to not be dealing with this!!"

OMG! I wanted to grab her beautiful belly and put it on MY body! I wanted to tell her "HEY...if you are so unhappy, I will take her off your hands!!"

But I just smiled, sat silent, and wondered why they do not teach psych majors anything about empathy. I guess you have it, or you don't.

She obviously doesn't have it.









I could not read this without saying how breathtakingly stupid, mean and insensitive this person is. Unbelievable


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Emerging Butterfly, I had to post and say how awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And, I'm sorry for everyone else who runs into insensitive people.

A loss makes our lives so different - the gild really is off the lily.

Hugs to you all.


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

I so know what you mean!! You described my sister in law. I flew 3weeks after miscarrying Michael (still bleeding) to help her and my brother for a few weeks, while she was 33 weeks pregnant. She whined and complained the whole time and never once mentioned my loss. every groan and whimper made me feel both angry and overcome with grief all over again.

I saw a woman at the store yesterday she was whimpering about being pregnant in July. I felt like telling her " You know I have been pregnant and delivered in late July,...And in fact I should be ready to pop right now myself. But the baby boy who would be due in 8 days is in the ground in the Visalia cemetery instead of my belly. Enduring even VERY hot days is so much easier than burying your child." Instead I forced a smile and said " It could be worse."


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

It could be worse is a very very appropriate responce.

You know...I have to say that before I lost my twins, I was pretty careful about whineing during pregnancy anyway...I always felt like my babies could feel my emotions, hear my words...so..it mattered to me to see the bright side for THEM. I struggled with morning sickness, heartburn, lose joints and nerve pain, back pain, and tiredness. I have stretch marks and saggy breasts. I have a c-section scar from my first born that disallows me from having a nice taut tummy. But...no matter what...I LOVED being pregnant, and having babies. I wouldn't trade any of it for the reality I have now which is not being pregnant, no morning sickness or heartburn or nerve pain...I would take it all back if only I could have my babies that are beyond the veil right now.

most people don't understand what a blessing all that pain and discomfort really is. maybe that is nice for them to NOT know...

I like to think that when my babies are born that they know I love them more than I disliked the discomfort of bringing them here. That they were worth it all. That they always will be.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
most people don't understand what a blessing all that pain and discomfort really is. maybe that is nice for them to NOT know...

I hear you









I try to be understanding and not judge, but it's hard for me to hear the pregnancy and baby complaints. Those things will pass&#8230; How hot and uncomfortable you were during pregnancy, or how your new baby kept you awake all night&#8230; those things won't matter down the line. The hard times aren't fun, for sure, but it's definitely better than the alternative.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I won't always be 100% thrilled with every second of my next pregnancy (Goddess willing!) but I'll grin and bear it and know that every.single.second will be more than worth it!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I did this with my 1st pg. I was in my 3rd trimester going on and on to a friend and a woman I had just met about the trials and tribulations of being pregnant. I asked the woman if she had kids (she was probably in her late 40s) and she said no, and so then I started "educating" her about pregnancy and she said quietly, "I have been pregnant."

I was, and still am, so ashamed of myself. I felt so horrible.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)




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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
Anyone else get extremely angry about it?
If I hear one more woman go on and on about how freaking hot it is outside and how they just wanna get their baby out cause they are uncomfortable and they can't sleep and yada yada yada, I am going to SCREAM.
Do they not realize that they should be greatful they made it that far in their pregnancy? They should be greatful their baby is alive and likely to be born healthy?
I sometimes just wanna tell them - well I would give everything to have my baby moving around in my belly making me hot and uncomfortable right now.

Yes, that drives me crazy. I had to hide a few friends on Facebook because they are pg right now and complaining and they know I just lost my baby.

If you are overhearing this from a stranger at the store or some place, I guess the best thing is to just ignore it unless you can think of something just generally positive about being pregnant that might make them think. If it's someone you know, especially who knows you've have a loss, I don't see anything wrong with saying something about how you feel and how much it hurts you to hear them talk like that.

I think one of the problems with people not getting how tragic the loss of a baby is is that we don't talk about it. We can't expect people to know how we feel or what we need if we don't tell them.


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## janelleinca (Mar 22, 2005)

I know just how you feel!! After having 2 miscarriages and 1 full-term stillbirth I do not complain at all to others. I don't think I complained before anyways. People always ask me why I don't complain. I never really thought about it until recently. I don't complain because I know what a MIRACLE this is. I know how many women would LOVE to be in my shoes. I don't take pregnancy for granted. I don't know what the outcome is going to be. I will gladly go through all of the aches and pains to hold a living child.

I don't complain because I know what it's like to give birth to a full-term baby boy who is not living. To have to bury that child. Why would I complain about pregnancy?

Like you, it really annoys me. It makes me sad. I actually heard a mom of twins say something that broke my heart. Apparently her pregnancy wasn't her easiest and the first year was hard. I can get that. Understandable. But, when someone asked her about having twins, she said "I wouldn't recommend it". To hear someone say that just blew my mind. Do you know what I wouldn't recommend? A full-term stillbirth and 2 miscarriages. Give me twins anyday. Would it be more difficult? Yes. But oh what a blessing.

Thanks for letting me vent that on your thread! People don't understand.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Wow....I agree! I would rather have my twins ANY DAY over having LOST them!
Some mama's have no idea how wretched their words are...they have no idea that they sound so ugly. sigh....and here I am WISHING for the exhilaration and demand that twins would have been. I would have LOVED to tandem nurse! I would have loved to cuddle with two new babies at the same time. I would give anything to rewind my life and fix whatever wasn't right to have my twins in my arms.

Sometimes life seems very very unfair.


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## Temperance (Sep 9, 2007)

Having had 4 pregnancies and no living children, I can say this with all honesty and absolutely NO guilt.
I hate being pregnant. I hate the food aversion, I hate the insomnia, the constipation, the nausea, the paranoia, the depression...
the list goes on...I hated all of it. The only thing I liked about being pregnant was the part that makes you feel special that you get to clean the house everyday...even when you can stand up straight from nausea.
Doesn't mean I'm glad I miscarried, doesn't mean I hated my babies.
Pregnancy sucks...and people who say it's not that bad are either in denial or they are beyond lucky.
I said more then once that I would give anything to be a kangaroo. Carry it for 6 weeks, then move it to a pouch for a year. I'd get a nice backpack and I'm mature enough to know that the umbilical cord is not leash.

On the other hand, I have a serious muscle/bone disorder that will leave me in a wheelchair within the next 15 years. I really hate to hear people without back trouble complain that their feet hurt. There are starving children right in your own back yard, how dare anyone complain about disliking certain foods.

Just because some women can carry to term over and over doesn't automatically make pregnancy a walk in the park.


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

It bothers me too. Plus, don't they realize they won't get much sleep after is baby is born either?

Losing babies and seeing people close to me go through it gives me a whole new perspective - can't complain much. Yes, I may grumble about aches and pains, but I also am thankful for them.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Temperance* 
Pregnancy sucks...and people who say it's not that bad are either in denial or they are beyond lucky...

Just because some women can carry to term over and over doesn't automatically make pregnancy a walk in the park.

I don't think anyone here has said that pregnancy is a walk in the park. I also don't agree that women who say pregnancy isn't bad are in denial or beyond lucky. I am neither. I've had one very easy, walk in the park pg, one very difficult and uncomfortable pg, and one middle of the road pg that all made it full term and resulted in healthy babies. There were definitely some things at some times that were very difficult. Although I might mention that this or that hurt or I couldn't eat it was not as a complaint. Those were just statements of how things were. That, to me, is different from someone who complains about being pg.

I think it's safe to say that most women know what gets them pg. If one really didn't want to be pg, there were certainly things she could've done to prevent it. A choice is made each and every time we do and say and even feel (to a certain extent) anything. We can choose to focus on the positive or the negative at any given moment.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

PLEASE read the forum you're in! this is the loss forum!

we are not saying that pregnant women should never complain or that they are bad for complaining!

we are saying that we are GRIEVING the loss of our babies and it's PAINFUL to see pregnant women complaining because it's what we want so bad. that's all!

and i am FURIOUS at the implication that we will get pregnant again sooner if we are not jealous and resentful.


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## mammabunny (May 8, 2008)

I had a "friend" (not really a friend anymore) do this to me right at the same time she found out I miscarried. I told her I miscarried and not only did she not say one word to me about it, like "I'm sorry," she completely ignored what I said and went on to talk about how she was pregnant and was having a hard time waddling around with her big belly. It probably has been one of the worst times I've ever been hurt.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

There have already been posts removed from this thread and I suspect more will follow or this thread will get closed. No one is saying that it's not okay to for pregnant women to ever feel bad and complain. This is simply about women who are venting in their safe place and trying to work through their personal feelings. Please, respect the forum you are in and respect that everyone deals with their pain in a different manner and that we all have days when we are less than charitable. Venting amongst your peers and people who understand where you are coming from is exactly the right thing to do when you are working through grief. Please don't try to make women, some of whom are very fresh from full or near term losses, feel bad for working through their grief.

And, I am sorry, but the mama bear is coming out in me. The women in here are very near and dear to my heart. I feel protective of them and their space here.


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## earthzizu (Mar 6, 2009)

I know exactly which forum I'm in as I've suffered a tragic miscarriage of my own. I apologize if anyone here was hurt by my statements. My intention was to offer a wee bit perspective from a different point of view while still showing empathy to the women who are hurting. It's not like I haven't been there. I've been hurt just seeing pregnant people happy - it would kill me from the inside. I'm suggesting that we ALL feel pain, pregnant or not. My opinion is that pregnant women should be able to freely express their pain with acceptance as empathy equally as women who have suffered the tragic loss of a baby.

In an effort to find common ground, can we all agree we don't like to see anyone in unwanted pain? I sure don't.


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)

I can't stand preggo complaining either! Especially about the most minor things.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

I can only speak for myself here but I do not come to this forum for perspective. I come here for support and sympathy. I don't want anyone telling me to look at this from another side, I just don't.

I can't come back to this thread because it's making me very upset but I want to let you know that yes, I have been deeply hurt by your comments. I cried last night after reading your post. I felt as though my safe space had been invaded.

My baby is rotting in the ground and I have nothing of him but pictures and then I read your post saying that my body will self heal if I avoid jealousy and resentment. I would never direct my jealousy and resentment directly toward a pregnant woman (this is why I don't go outside of this forum) but I accept it as a part of my grieving.

I really felt safe here in this forum but now I feel scared to post something for fear that someone else will come in and offer me "perspective" instead of empathy.

And also, I don't consider people like you the "enemy". That couldn't be farther from the truth. You have obviously had your share of pain and I don't begrudge you your complaints. The simple truth is that you have what I want. Your baby is alive and mine is in his grave. It's not your fault of course but I just want my baby. That's all, I just want my baby.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:

I really felt safe here in this forum but now I feel scared to post something for fear that someone else will come in and offer me "perspective" instead of empathy.
*Calmom*,









I was going to respond to some other stuff, but I'm just going to refrain for my own sanity right now









I just wish for the best for everyone... and happy, healthy babies all around! That's really it.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

I so appreciate this thread. Having been TTC for 9 months and now miscarrying at 8 weeks has made me intolerant of anyone complaining about anything. Being on the TTC boards and now this board has just made me so grateful for everything I already have. I don't want to hear about your pg complaints, and I don't want to hear that you're having pet troubles, and I don't want to hear that you have to take care of the children all by yourself because your husband is out of town buying a new Escalade (to name some totally theoretical examples







).

That said, there are degrees of complaining. I do not get mad at my friend who throws up multiple times a day almost every day for her entire pregnancy for complaining once in awhile. Nor do I get mad at someone who says "the baby has been nursing all night long for two nights in a row" (in this case, it was literally nonstop for many hours). I do get mad at someone who's complaining because she's 38 weeks and wants to be induced because she's "uncomfortable". I do get mad at someone who is complaining because her 5mo is waking up all the time, "like, every 2 hours!".

I occasionally regret having told most everyone about this pg since now I have to tell them all about the m/c, but I hope that my pain will cause them to have a little more gratitude in their own lives.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

I would like to add my perspective about something I've seen on this thread that may help some women here: those that have had to deal with pregnant women completely disregard their losses and then talk about how much they hate being pregnant...from someone who has a difficult time knowing what to say when someone is grieving (especially if my mere presence pokes sharply at the grief) I can understand, on some level, why they said what they did. I don't know these people, so I can't speak for them, but I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt...maybe in some twisted way they thought that by complaining about being pregnant this would somehow make the grieving mama feel better. In their minds they might be thinking, "If I can help her see that she's not missing much then maybe this will help her heal." Now, I'm not saying this is the best way to go about it, no way no how do I see things that way, but for some people who don't know what to say and are self-conscious about being pregnant around someone who just lost their baby, this way of going about it seems to make sense to them.

A lot of people avoid those who are grieving because our society doesn't know what to do with death. We push it away, cover it up, pretend it doesn't exist for as long as we can. So when it does happen, especially when it happens much too soon in a person's life, it can make people very uncomfortable. If you add on top of that being a trigger for the grieving person's pain then it's almost impossible to be present and thoughtful. I'm reminded of an old friend of mine...when she was around 10 or so, her grandmother died. She wasn't terribly close to her grandmother, so it didn't affect her much. After the funeral, though, her and her family were gathered at her grandparent's house. Not long after she got there, her grandfather (who had been staring at her strangely) gets up and leaves the room crying. She learns later that she looks exactly like her grandmother used to during the earlier years of her life....thus, her mere presence poked sharply at the pain her grandfather was experiencing. She, of course, didn't know what to say to her grandfather after this and basically avoided him as much as she could. So, although those women who made those seemingly heartless, thoughtless comments could have been more present and compassionate, I feel that they were probably doing the best they could considering the circumstances.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
So, although those women who made those seemingly heartless, thoughtless comments could have been more present and compassionate, I feel that they were probably doing the best they could considering the circumstances.

I've been reflecting on this thread a lot this week, because, well, I saw a pregnant woman last week who gave me a sour look and it really hurt me. But I reminded myself that pregnancy *is* hard. I'd love to be doing it, or, in this case, to keep doing it for what will eventually be a baby. I don't know if that's the case right now and that's why I'm feeling like this.

But I keep trying to remind myself that I don't know the paths these women have been on. Long ago a friend of mine had a miserable pregnancy. She didn't complain much, but she did complain occasionally. Over time I learned she'd had a loss at 37 weeks. Another woman at church last week was quietly complaining about her pregnancy. I seethed with jealousy. Come to find out, this is her fourth pregnancy and she only has one child earthside.

For *me* there's a difference between pregnant women with some complaints. . . and pregnant women who complain constantly. The former is very easy to deal with. The latter is nearly impossible.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Calmom


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

All of the women in this forum know and appreciate that pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, stressful, and tiring. Most women here have experienced that personally, and no one is begrudging other women the right to those feelings.

However, I believe this thread was created to support those who find these complaints particularly painful or trying. I have removed a number of unintentionally hurtful posts from this thread, and I would hate to remove any more. Thank you all for remaining on-topic and supportive.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
and i am FURIOUS at the implication that we will get pregnant again sooner if we are not jealous and resentful.

Really? Wow... I missed that one.

I understand the concept that negative thinking often breeds negative results, and positive thinking often breeds positive results, ala "The Secret" and that sort of thing. If we remain bitter and angry, it can be toxic. I get that.

But mourning and grieving aren't negative, nor are the feelings that come along with it. Jealousy and envy are part of the process. And it comes and goes in waves. If it's a CONSTANT feeling, and it consumes your life years after a loss, then we're talking about something that might be a problem.

But if it's a fleeting feeling, if it comes and goes, there's nothing wrong with feeling triggered about your loss by seeing something that makes you remember. Like the story about the grandfather that Zenful posted, things happen that will bring it up.

In the early days (the poor man was at his wife's funeral) you can't control that feeling. Later, as mourning goes deeper and becomes more complex, you can learn to recognize those feelings and separate them from the person who triggered you.

Of course none of those women (generally speaking) complaining about pg symptoms mean to hurt anyone else. Of course not. It's not about them, anyway, it's about our pain and loss. Sometimes I watch those near-miss cases on tv - "Oh my god, my baby almost died!" and I scream at the TV: "Yeah!? Well my baby DID die!"

But if that woman was in front of me, I'd never in a million years say that out loud to her. Just like we say things here in this forum, where it's safe to do so, that we wouldn't say outside of it. There really does need to be a safe place for this kind of work to be done, in community.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mosaic* 
All of the women in this forum know and appreciate that pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, stressful, and tiring. Most women here have experienced that personally, and no one is begrudging other women the right to those feelings.

However, I believe this thread was created to support those who find these complaints particularly painful or trying. I have removed a number of unintentionally hurtful posts from this thread, and I would hate to remove any more. Thank you all for remaining on-topic and supportive.









I think this is why, as I was considering this thread, that I was trying to make the distinction that's clear in the title -- there's a difference between pregnant women who complain (because pregnancy is hard and we all know that) and pregnant women who complain CONSTANTLY.

When my son was a newborn, I complained CONSTANTLY. Our days were tough, but I also lived in an emotional place where I complained all.the.time about it. It wasn't healthy and I cannot imagine how it felt to the women around me who'd suffered losses. Now, in retrospect, after 1 loss and 1 potential loss, I'm apalled at my behavior. My friends would easily tolerate some complaints - because newborns ARE hard. . . but how my friends who suffered losses tolerated my constant complaints, well, I will never understand.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MFuglei* 
When my son was a newborn, I complained CONSTANTLY. Our days were tough, but I also lived in an emotional place where I complained all.the.time about it. It wasn't healthy and I cannot imagine how it felt to the women around me who'd suffered losses. Now, in retrospect, after 1 loss and 1 potential loss, I'm apalled at my behavior. My friends would easily tolerate some complaints - because newborns ARE hard. . . but how my friends who suffered losses tolerated my constant complaints, well, I will never understand.









:

I've never experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, but this pregnancy has been tremendously difficult in many different ways (mostly emotionally) that it has made me greatly appreciate every little nuance of being pregnant as well as the prospect of caring for a newborn. When my son was a newborn, all I did was complain...looking back now, I'm glad that no one who has experienced that type of loss heard me at that time...it would have been like pouring vinegar on the wound.


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## Dov'sMom (Jan 24, 2007)

I have a friend who is going through a very difficult sixth pregnancy. She has three children. Her pregnancy has been so difficult that she has entertained the option of terminating, though it is completely antithetical to her beliefs, and said that she doesn't think she can do it again.

Yet every time she complains, she precedes it with "I am so glad to be pregnant, and I know that every pregnancy is a blessing, but sometimes when I am feeling so ____."

Thank you for that insight into what's going through her mind.

I know that I find pregnancy exhilarating and I am ALWAYS grateful for every ache and pain because it "assures" me that the baby inside me is still there, alive and well. However, I know that I have been guilty of complaining about a momentary discomfort without explicitly saying what's running in the back of my mind -- "but of course it is so wonderful to be pregnant and every discomfort is worth it many times over for the joy of having a healthy baby!" Having read this thread, I will make a conscious effort to voice that background thought whenever I am driven to complain (which, being both human and a particularly wimpy human, I am bound to do no matter how glad I am to be experiencing whatever the ache or pain is at the time).


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 







:

I've never experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, but this pregnancy has been tremendously difficult in many different ways (mostly emotionally) that it has made me greatly appreciate every little nuance of being pregnant as well as the prospect of caring for a newborn. When my son was a newborn, all I did was complain...looking back now, I'm glad that no one who has experienced that type of loss heard me at that time...it would have been like pouring vinegar on the wound.

Is this your first, Zen? Congratulations.







I've been one of the lucky ones, in terms of pg complaints. Very little nausea, no actual vomiting, no real complications (well aside from my first, when I got gall stones in the fifth month and a kidney stone in the seventh! eek!) but mostly just the basic run-of-the-mill tired and achy kinds of things.

Still, when you haven't done it before (I've been pg five times now! eek again!







) you don't have perspective, you know? This is the first time your body has done all these weird things and it's quite an experience, and in a way, a rite of passage. But I know lots of non-pg mamas who roll their eyes about the normal complaints of pregnancy, and even who dis all the first-time-mama joys and tribulations of having a newborn.

I think that's why we sort of gravitate to those who are in the same "boat" as us, so to speak.

And it's kind of the same with losing a baby... (well, minus the rite of passage part...







: ) if you don't have that perspective, it's hard to understand what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. It is a perspective we all wish we didn't have, believe me.









Love your sig line, btw.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

calmom...







:







:









I hear you.


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