# I do not enjoy parenting



## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

And I do not know what to do about it. I'd say I enjoy it about 25% of the time. Those are the times my child is sweet and makes me laugh and it's just nice to be around him. The rest of the time I cannot stand parenting. He is the main stresser in my life. For the past few years (he just turned 4) I get headaches and body aches almost daily because of the stresses of parenting. Before a few years ago I did not. I have to take ibuprofen almost daily just to not be in pain. He started daycare/preschool about 2 months ago and attends a few days a week so it's really nice having that down time and I thought it would feel better during the days I have him all day long after starting daycare, but it hasn't been any easier to deal with. He's extremely fussy, impatient and ALWAYS wants instant gratification or he just freaks like a total drama queen. Has gotten excessively worse since starting daycare because now he gets to see all the little brats there (and there are a few just straight out punks!...sorry to be so blunt) and he's bringing this behavior home. He does not play with these kids because he actually is intimidated, but he can't help but to pick some of their nasty habits up.
So, on a daily basis when he's around me and I am not happy I am anxious to drop him off w/ his dad or daycare or for him to go to sleep. He wakes before the crack of dawn almost always, is an extremely picky eater (has been since he stopped breast feeding), is temperamental, hard to please, and loses his patience with almost everything he gets himself involved in that's supposed to be nothing but fun. All this and still....I am constantly told he's the sweetest, most well tempered, patient, loving and happy child most people (even ones standing their w/ their own toddlers!) have ever seen. I just don't knew what to do and it's gonna take a hell of a lot more then deep breathes and re-configuring my thinking. I do not like being a parent and really never have. Goes to show that no matter how much a woman thinks she's ready and how many years before she desired to have a child...that has absolutely nothing to do w/ actually readiness. I was one of those women who wanted a child for a very long time and not to fulfill some fantasy or anything. I just "knew" I wanted to be a mommy and as prepared mentally and emotionally as I thought I was or at least tried to be, I was nowhere near prepared and now know there's no way to be such. A person either has the "parenting gene" or they do not and I do not. It upsets me and worries me daily. I think of the rest of my life having to be a parent (primarily till my son is capable of being on his own so to speak) and it's a horrid thought to me. I do not harm him in any way, I show him love all the time and I do love him very much...I'd die for him! I am the best I can be considering my state of mind. Just limited enjoyment.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Find a job and a very good daycare and don't look back. Seriously. Unless you can change your attitude you are not doing your son any favors. Not all of us are cut out to be the primary caregiver.

Once you and your son are gone from the house each day... your hands on parenting time will be small. Just a few hours a week. Try to keep things as calm and cheerful as possible during those hours for your son's sake. You don't want to send him any signals that may suggest to him that he unloved or unwanted in life.

Good luck. Seek a therapist to talk to if you feel the need.


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## H & J's Mom (Jun 1, 2008)

I really hope someone has some ideas for you ... this sounds so sad to me.

Hormones were the first thing that came to mind when I read your post ... they can really mess with you.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

My first thought is depression. Have you looked into that with your dr?

Your son has a symbiotic relationship with you, he can pick up how you are feeling, even if you think you are "hiding" your feelings about him he is definitely picking up on them and acting out.

Take care of yourself and use my mantra "This too shall pass" because it will.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I would seriously look into counseling for yourself -- it sounds to me like you're majorly stressed, possibly depressed, and really need to talk to someone.

Parenting is hard work (are you a single mom? that would make it triply hard - the only reason I can be a half-way decent parent is because my husband takes a large part of the burden). It's not always enjoyable, no matter what the magazines say! But it shouldn't be unenjoyable 75% of the time, I don't think.

I would second the thought of employment outside the home for you -- my mom is a mom who would have been a better parent if she'd had outside stimulation. I know I certainly am.


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## H & J's Mom (Jun 1, 2008)

Just a thought, it sounds like you and his dad are not together ... would his dad having full custody be an option? There are lots of amazing dads out there being the primary care giver.


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## evinmom (Jan 17, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear of your saddness. I would highly recommend therapy. It helps to be able to talk about these feelings with someone who won't judge you. I hope things get easier for you.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

I was in therapy for relationship issues w/ his dad b4 we decided to divorce a couple years back (and no, the divorce has nothing to do w/ any issues I have. The divorce is the best thing ever! and his dad and I are friends and local to one another). I did not have depression. Was tested. I have at at home job and have been trying to find one out of the house for months, but due to the economy and having no real marketable skills...it's more than impossible yet I search every single day. His daycare is very good and very high rated. I searched and searched before choosing the one he's in.
Could not continue therapy for myself after a year and a half ago or so because of the cost and I have Kaiser and Kaiser is horribly awful if someone needs therapy. So, no option there. I have seen a variety of therapist over my life time for different issues and have never benefited. I'd try again one day if I can afford it, but that's a long long time from now.
Through all my stress of parenting I believe I do very well at not showing it to my son. Yes, I get that he naturally picks up on it at times, but I do as well as I can. You can see our love for one another and he always wants to be around me. I know what he's like when he doesn't want to be around someone. I am lucky he's the happiest child I have personally ever seen and apparently many people have ever seen. That fact alone shows I am doing a decent job. No matter how happy and sweet he is in one moment though he turns like the flip of a switch to massively bratty and dramatic in his frustrations and it's stuff like that that gets to me cuz it's constant!!!!! Just when I think he's calm and having a good time he morphs into a little tyrant and I need to leave the room and take deep breathes all day long.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Hey there. That was really brave to post.

I have a few thoughts. The first is to remember that we are not all the best parents/finding it easy at every single stage. The person who loves babies may have a hard time with teens; people who aren't super fond of the preschool stage can adore their school aged kids. So it will not be like this forever - it really won't.

You didn't post your child's age but I'm guessing 3-ish. My son is 3.5 and has been in daycare with "brats" (they aren't really) since he was 22 months and it's only the last while that he's started to display that behaviour. I'm sure your child is picking some of it up at school, but also remember that kids do try that at some ages and stages - it doesn't mean they keep those behaviours forever. It might even be better to work it out now than at 14!

Trust in your family structure too.

Okay practical advice:
-try to pick one area or time of day where you can just back off and have some fun again. Is food stressful? Fine; take a week and just serve snack platters for meals with lots of easy EASY choices. A week of carrot sticks, cheese, good quality bread or crackers, and fruit is not going to harm your son in any way and it may give you the break you need.
-Try a space outside the home that is calm - park, beach, favourite hang out spot - and see if you can relax there with your kid. Can you bring a coffee or iced tea and sit and enjoy the sun while he plays in the sandbox? Anything that increases your joy quotient
-I agree with the idea of bringing in other caregivers and getting a job, seeking counseling, and I wanted to add in do you have playgroups or other mom friends to talk with? You may these things help you


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebandg'smama* 
My first thought is depression. Have you looked into that with your dr?

Your son has a symbiotic relationship with you, he can pick up how you are feeling, even if you think you are "hiding" your feelings about him he is definitely picking up on them and acting out.


















: ITA, but I'd look into at least a part-time job.


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## Lindsay1234 (Dec 19, 2005)

This must be really though but all the posters have great ideas! Maybe, if you dont want a job, try school? For several semesters, I just needed a break with dd1 and I put her in the community colleges on campus day care and then took some classes for fun!! A few (marine bio and environ bio) even had some day and overnight field trips!

Good luck!!!


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
Hey there. That was really brave to post.

I have a few thoughts. The first is to remember that we are not all the best parents/finding it easy at every single stage. The person who loves babies may have a hard time with teens; people who aren't super fond of the preschool stage can adore their school aged kids. So it will not be like this forever - it really won't.

You didn't post your child's age but I'm guessing 3-ish. My son is 3.5 and has been in daycare with "brats" (they aren't really) since he was 22 months and it's only the last while that he's started to display that behaviour. I'm sure your child is picking some of it up at school, but also remember that kids do try that at some ages and stages - it doesn't mean they keep those behaviours forever. It might even be better to work it out now than at 14!

Trust in your family structure too.

Okay practical advice:
-try to pick one area or time of day where you can just back off and have some fun again. Is food stressful? Fine; take a week and just serve snack platters for meals with lots of easy EASY choices. A week of carrot sticks, cheese, good quality bread or crackers, and fruit is not going to harm your son in any way and it may give you the break you need.
-Try a space outside the home that is calm - park, beach, favourite hang out spot - and see if you can relax there with your kid. Can you bring a coffee or iced tea and sit and enjoy the sun while he plays in the sandbox? Anything that increases your joy quotient
-I agree with the idea of bringing in other caregivers and getting a job, seeking counseling, and I wanted to add in do you have playgroups or other mom friends to talk with? You may these things help you


Hey!
Thank you. I actually did post that he just turned 4. His caregiviers and me, dad, and Grandma who lives with me. My son stays with me all monday till tues morn when he goes to daycare then I drop him off w/ his dad aroudn 6-7pm. I get my son again early wed morn and he's with me till Thurs morn when he goes to daycare. Then thurs when I pick him up till fri next morn till daycare then around 5pm fri till saturday morn. No one besides us 3 to take care of him. The few friends I have do not have school age kids. I need a part time job for money, but hoenstly know there's nothing about getting a jbo that will de-stress me. I already get little sleep and the thought of getting less because I'd have to get up in the 5am hour is so upsetting a thought I could cry. I am already trying to manage my time w/ my son, his dad, my mother who I can barely stand living with and my boyfriend who's the only reason I do not totally lose it. I bring my son to the beach, playgrounds, parks, museums and all kinda of places for both entertainment and relaxation purposes. No other family to speak of besides the above mentioned. And a I stated, therapy ain't an option right now. Too expensive. I have tried therapy thru Kaiser and you can go a few times one on one and one on one is how I work best.


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## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *veggigoddess* 
For the past few years (he just turned 4) I get headaches and body aches almost daily because of the stresses of parenting. Before a few years ago I did not. I have to take ibuprofen almost daily just to not be in pain.

Mama, I would definitely get your progesterone levels checked. The anxiety, stress and headaches sound VERY VERY familiar. I lived with daily headaches for several years after my DD was born. She caused me anxiety and a tremendous amount of stress--people brushed it off and told me "oh, yeah yeah, I get that too."

Turns out, something wasn't right and I wish I hadn't listened to people around me. My doctor figured out that my progesterone had plummented, I'm now on bioidentical progesterone (which isn't causing me any side-effects), and the headaches, anxiety and stress are gone!

I figured it was worth mentioning since your situation sounds very familiar. I hope you get it worked out!


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rzberrymom* 
Mama, I would definitely get your progesterone levels checked. The anxiety, stress and headaches sound VERY VERY familiar. I lived with daily headaches for several years after my DD was born. She caused me anxiety and a tremendous amount of stress--people brushed it off and told me "oh, yeah yeah, I get that too."

Turns out, something wasn't right and I wish I hadn't listened to people around me. My doctor figured out that my progesterone had plummented, I'm now on bioidentical progesterone (which isn't causing me any side-effects), and the headaches, anxiety and stress are gone!

I figured it was worth mentioning since your situation sounds very familiar. I hope you get it worked out!









Thanks! I will check that out. I do take bc pills so that aids in higher progesterone levels too.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It sounds like you need to find a way to get out of the house and around other people. There are many wonderful volunteer opportunities in most communities. With time and consistency with the limits and expectations at home, your ds will most likely come stop acting like the kids at daycare soon. My dd does this for several weeks when she is adjusting to a new class setting and new rules but gets over it when she realizes that I am not going to give her everything she desires just because she screams and talks to me rudely.

It may also help to use the time when your son is in daycare to decide on what your limits are and how you are going to enforce them. I find that I am most miserable, and my dd is most whiny and demanding, when I want to set a limit but am going back and forth with it so much that my dd realizes that she just has to make a big fuss for me to give in. I walk away from big fusses and don't give in now. I will give dd hugs and talk her through them if she is willing to have a hug, but I don't bend over backwards to tear down a limit that I need for my sanity.

Track your headaches too. I get migraine headaches when I ovulate and when I menstruate because my hormone levels go out of wack. I used to think there was no connection to my period, but I tracked them for a year and there is a clear connection.


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## Whistler (Jan 30, 2009)

I would definitely try to find out if there is a health issue. It sounds like you are doing "the right things" in your parenting just not enjoying it. You son doesn't sound worse than any typical 4-y-o (they can be very annoying!)

There are a lot of times I don't enjoy parenting either so I try to find satisfaction in doing a good job at it and let that suffice. I love my kids to death and I tell them often but there are a lot of times I don't really "like" them if you know what I mean? IMO that is perfectly normal... what adult would like to hang out with a loud, demanding, childish person just for jollies? Not very many. So I would say give yourself permission to not enjoy every minute of parenting. It doesn't make you a bad mom. And take care of yourself and your own mental health and do the best you can.


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## dancingmama (Dec 18, 2001)

It sounds like you don't have any girlfriends with kids? The AMAZING group of mamas and papas with little ones that I befriended when my first was a babe have been my saving grace. We have a playgroup once a week, dinner group once a month, and the friendship and support from these folks is more valuable than just about anything.

It can take a little effort to reach out to people and create community like this, but it is so worth it. Perhaps even just starting with striking up a conversation with a mama who seems interesting at a park or playground.


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

It sounds like your son is getting bounced around quite a bit. I have trouble keeping your weekly schedule straight, and I am an adult! This could be affecting his temperament/mood.

When my stepdaughter was exactly your son's age, we started transitioning to her spending alternating weeks with each parent. Is your DS's father willing to take on more parenting time? She has always been a child that needs a lot of attention, and I think both of her parents kind of like having the week-long break.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dancingmama* 
It sounds like you don't have any girlfriends with kids? The AMAZING group of mamas and papas with little ones that I befriended when my first was a babe have been my saving grace. We have a playgroup once a week, dinner group once a month, and the friendship and support from these folks is more valuable than just about anything.

It can take a little effort to reach out to people and create community like this, but it is so worth it. Perhaps even just starting with striking up a conversation with a mama who seems interesting at a park or playground.

I have 2 GF's w/ kids, but one (who's next door) her daughter is 21 and my other friends has 3 kids and she lives 10 hours away from me and we have only ever seen each other once in person. I have tried many times to make friends w/ mommies at the park and even a few times in stores where our kids took a liking to one another and due to the fact that most people are flakes...it just never turned into anything more than a meeting or two. Gets a bit tedious always being the one to keep calling and trying to arrange stuff and getting cancelations and excuses etc... Not trying to be the martyr here btw..just a fact that most people are flaky. I have been wanting to meet some parents of the kids my son gets along w/ at daycare but almost never run into them when I pick my son up. I do not stop trying to make other mommy friends and especially ones my son gets along w/ and that mommies child, but it gets discouraging always being the instigator w/ no results. I joined a mommy group once, but moved away from that city so could no longer attend. Was a very frustrating thing because all the mommies and their kids would go to local cafes and such and playgrounds and my son (after the age of about 15 months...when he started walking) was no longer a child I could bring to a restaurant setting. Once he realized legs could walk my world became hell. He went from being the best child ever to brig to restaurants to the worst and still is! Only in car seats, strollers, and shopping carts does he sit still. Any seat that's not moving he will not sit still for more than a coupe min. Total add in regards to sitting and most of his entertainment. All the other kids will be focusing on stuff lie bldg sand sculptures, digging, slides etc...and my son will be the one walking around the perimeter of the playground ignoring everyone. Or if he is paying attention to people it;s the mothers of the kids, but not the kids...ever! Kids LOVE him too and he could careless. He does adore babies though! The younger kids at daycare are his favorites! He's intimated by kids his age and older unless they are very passive and shy.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinksprklybarefoot* 
It sounds like your son is getting bounced around quite a bit. I have trouble keeping your weekly schedule straight, and I am an adult! This could be affecting his temperament/mood.

When my stepdaughter was exactly your son's age, we started transitioning to her spending alternating weeks with each parent. Is your DS's father willing to take on more parenting time? She has always been a child that needs a lot of attention, and I think both of her parents kind of like having the week-long break.

I don't think so. Only since daycare has it been different. Other than that it's been the same for over 2 years. Before I had him all day every weekend and every other weekend (fri-sun morn) and his dad had him 3 weeknight and the opposite weekends. No other way arodun that so he could see both his parents weekly. Now that daycare is part of our lives there's no other option. His dad works from 8am-6 or 7pm daily so there ain't nothign else that can be done and once I start working (hopefully!)...it may be ever wackier, but that's just part of it. My son has been this way from the beginning and his dad & I lived together for the 1st 2 years of his life.


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## glorio (Mar 8, 2009)

I was going to mention depression too, but I see you don't think it's applicable, and that counseling wasn't helpful. What about some form of support group? Or a better therapist (one with a sliding scale?)- one that's a better fit. Constant frustration, physical reactions, etc really sounds like dysthymia to me. Not trying to push that one you- you obviously know your situation better that I do.....

Or what about finding a Mommy buddy to hang out with as a pp mentioned? (Place an ad on craiglist, scout out Mommies at the park, lol) ((Oops, just read your previous post explaining your search for Mommy friends already, feel free to ignore this part!)

Being the only adult in the home, trying to meet the needs that can be sooo demanding at times... it's really hard! I find that when I find someone I'm compatible with it's such a relief to get together with them and their dc (as long as dc get along- we've had bad experiences before). I am still responsible for ds and able to meet his needs, but it's a different dynamic. He needs more interaction that I can provide at times, and I need a grown up to relate to.

Do you like writing? Or reading? I recommend Mother Reader: essential readings on motherhood. I found it therapeutic.

It talks about motherhood and creativity/literature, but I think even if you aren't drawn to some aspects of the book, it really reflects the conflicting nature of motherhood. You have a child that you crave to nurture, and would do anything for. And at times you want to rip your hair out because you feel like you have to give yourself away to this child. I love the works in this book by Adrienne Rich and Jane Lazarre.

One more thing... you mention ds is a picky eater. How? Does he eat only a limited amount of foods? Textures? You mention frustration, is it with self regulation? I don't know if the things you mention are within the age appropriate spectrum, or beyond, but if you think they are beyond... have you looked into a sensory issue?


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## nikkiethridge (May 6, 2008)

Big hugs.
I think you have to be careful with this kind of attitude because I believe LOs can really pick up on it. It seems like alot of the things he does badly are things that get him attention? I may not be reading that right though.

Also, the fact that daycare has made it worse doesn't surprise me. There are so many studies that show the more time a child spends in non-maternal care, the more anger and behavioral issues the child will have.

What a tough situation, mama.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

A lot of what you mentioned sounds like "normal" 3 & 4 year old behavior. There are a couple of threads for support of mothers of 3 year olds.

I would get all of your hormones checked. The fatigue you mention could be thyroid or iron or depression.

As far as therapy goes, there are quite often therapists who will work on a sliding scale with you. I am sure you can google, or ask friends, or Dr.'s or even look on your city's website for resources to question.

It sounds like a lot of back and forth between you and your son's dad. Is there a way to give him a bit more stability during his week?

It is obvious how much you love your child and how much he means to you, but it is also obvious that things cannot stay the way they are. I hope you are able to find some resolution that works for you and your son.
Gossamer


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## glorio (Mar 8, 2009)

oops- double post


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Could you sign over full custody to your ex?


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

From a totally different perspective--have you thought about asking your doctor for a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication?

I loved parenting until my DD turned 3 last year. This past year has been so challenging, and frustrating, and stressful--parenting, marriage, the economy...I finally asked for a xanax prescription a few weeks ago and I feel much more "in control" than I did. The prescription says it is for anxiety. I am sleeping at night (which you mentioned as an issue) and I can even sleep past 5 am now--but, I still hear her if she wakes up in the night--it doesn't complete knock me out, but it really helps me relax. I also have some chronic back pain and the xanax helps relieve my back muscles. Obviously, talk to your doctor--it might not be for you, but it might help you get back into parenting.

Exercise--it sounds like you are pretty active but it will only help you both.

I really did not like myself as the parent of a 3 year old, and I am trying really hard to make 4 better. Hang in there.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

3-4 year olds are umm an experience thats for sure lol.I think what you are feeling is probably how many people feel at some point esp single parents but most people dont admit it. Luckily you can be pretty anonymous on the internet. Its easy for people to scold you about how you feel ,because they dont walk in your shoes. I disagree with giving up custody to his father...I agree with others, I think you sound like you are depressed or you need to maybe look into better ways of coping. It really sounds like depression and you said you dont get much sleep and that causes depression. I have 5 kids and when I am tired I am not a good parent at all. my hugs to you momma, you can do this you just need to figure out what the problems are and fix them.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Nothing new to add to what has already been said. But I've BTDT. I can say that while I loved Erica, I didn't like her for her first 5 years. As she got older, she developed the self control to become more likeable. Now that she is an adult, we have a great relationship.


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## evinmom (Jan 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
3-4 year olds are umm an experience thats for sure lol. I think what you are feeling is probably how many people feel at some point esp single parents but most people dont admit it.... I disagree with giving up custody to his father...I agree with others, I think you sound like you are depressed or you need to maybe look into better ways of coping. It really sounds like depression and you said you dont get much sleep and that causes depression. I have 5 kids and when I am tired I am not a good parent at all.

I completely agree with this. I found 3-5 years very challenging with my DS. I was angry most of the time. I also wasn't sleeping at all since I my DD (who was born a couple of months before DS turned 3) had severe sleep problems. I found myself becoming irritable with everything my DS did. It didn't help that he was in a very frustrating stage. I put him in preschool a few days a week, but that still didn't help. I often thought about just running away. I had tremendous guilt about not being the mother I wanted to be. That's when I realized I had PPD. I went to counseling which helped, especially with my marital issues. However, my depression lasted for almost 3 years because that is how long it took for DD to learn to sleep. I'm not sure that giving up custody or getting a job would necessarily make things better. Getting better sleep and checking on hormone imbalances may. I hope things get easier.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Hey, I have used some on line support groups now and then. I am so damned busy each day and especially in the past 3 months since I have been heavily searching for jobs that I have no time to go to actual groups and such. Really, no time! I list my vintage clothing like mad on etsy.com just to have enough pocket cash for stuff and I do get some alimony from my ex, but that's all my money. My mom moved in with me about 2 months ago cuz she was helping me w/ my rent and some bills and then her job fired her cuz she was one of the head secretaries making 70K a year w/ the whole recession thing and she hasn't been able to find work since. I cannot be doing much of anything besides upkeep of my apartment and finding a job. Going to volunteer and stuff is a great idea as some have said, but I need something that pays. No time to do stuff like that. Kaiser doesn't have "sliding scale" options nor therapist that see a patient more than a few times before they're forced into group sessions. I was at a therapist outside Kaiser when still married which was around $90 a session, but cannot afford even that and that was the lowest I found. I write poetry when I can actually focus.

Picky eater as in he never ever would eat baby food. Nothing mushy, gummy, soft, or liquidy i.e. cream of wheat, yogurt etc.... Up till 14 months when I stopped bfing him that was all he ate! After that he's only eat these freeze dried snap peas from Trader Joe's, granola bars and sometimes apple. He'd shock us now and then w/ eating something like raw broccoli or a baby carrot. Sometimes he'd pick off a plate mashed potatoes or my fake chicken (we are vegetarians). Used to adore string cheese then over did it and he's never wanted it again. At daycare he's broadening his horizons a touch and eats cashews all the time and certain crackers but never eats any of that when here. He's been seen by his pediatrician a few times with this topic a focus and every time I am told this is "normal". May not be as common as the typical toddler boy, but it's still normal. Somehow that doesn't remotely comfort me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *glorio* 
I was going to mention depression too, but I see you don't think it's applicable, and that counseling wasn't helpful. What about some form of support group? Or a better therapist (one with a sliding scale?)- one that's a better fit. Constant frustration, physical reactions, etc really sounds like dysthymia to me. Not trying to push that one you- you obviously know your situation better that I do.....

Or what about finding a Mommy buddy to hang out with as a pp mentioned? (Place an ad on craiglist, scout out Mommies at the park, lol) ((Oops, just read your previous post explaining your search for Mommy friends already, feel free to ignore this part!)

Being the only adult in the home, trying to meet the needs that can be sooo demanding at times... it's really hard! I find that when I find someone I'm compatible with it's such a relief to get together with them and their dc (as long as dc get along- we've had bad experiences before). I am still responsible for ds and able to meet his needs, but it's a different dynamic. He needs more interaction that I can provide at times, and I need a grown up to relate to.

Do you like writing? Or reading? I recommend Mother Reader: essential readings on motherhood. I found it therapeutic.

It talks about motherhood and creativity/literature, but I think even if you aren't drawn to some aspects of the book, it really reflects the conflicting nature of motherhood. You have a child that you crave to nurture, and would do anything for. And at times you want to rip your hair out because you feel like you have to give yourself away to this child. I love the works in this book by Adrienne Rich and Jane Lazarre.

One more thing... you mention ds is a picky eater. How? Does he eat only a limited amount of foods? Textures? You mention frustration, is it with self regulation? I don't know if the things you mention are within the age appropriate spectrum, or beyond, but if you think they are beyond... have you looked into a sensory issue?


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *evinmom* 
I completely agree with this. I found 3-5 years very challenging with my DS. I was angry most of the time. I also wasn't sleeping at all since I my DD (who was born a couple of months before DS turned 3) had severe sleep problems. I found myself becoming irritable with everything my DS did. It didn't help that he was in a very frustrating stage. I put him in preschool a few days a week, but that still didn't help. I often thought about just running away. I had tremendous guilt about not being the mother I wanted to be. That's when I realized I had PPD. I went to counseling which helped, especially with my marital issues. However, my depression lasted for almost 3 years because that is how long it took for DD to learn to sleep. I'm not sure that giving up custody or getting a job would necessarily make things better. Getting better sleep and checking on hormone imbalances may. I hope things get easier.

Unfortuantly more sleep isn't an option. My son has to sleep in my bed (queen) when he stays overnight here because my apartment is small. Now that my mom lives here there's no room for anything and espeiclaly not a toddler bed. Had oen briefly, but a toddler beds way too tiny for my son who's rather tall and moves to crazy insane amounts when he sleeps. I get bashed, kicked, smashed and everythign in between when he sleeps over. So that on top of him waking between 5:15-6am no matter how late he goes to sleep (usually 8-9







m) he still wakes at those horrid times.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
3-4 year olds are umm an experience thats for sure lol.I think what you are feeling is probably how many people feel at some point esp single parents but most people dont admit it. Luckily you can be pretty anonymous on the internet. Its easy for people to scold you about how you feel ,because they dont walk in your shoes. I disagree with giving up custody to his father...I agree with others, I think you sound like you are depressed or you need to maybe look into better ways of coping. It really sounds like depression and you said you dont get much sleep and that causes depression. I have 5 kids and when I am tired I am not a good parent at all. my hugs to you momma, you can do this you just need to figure out what the problems are and fix them.

Yes, I agree that custody to his dad is not an option. Even if his dad instilled authority correctly and could be more of a stay at home parent it still would not be an option. All that would mean is some stranger would have to be hired when he's not in daycare/preschool to take care of him and even if I were ok w/ that it's not an option as my ex lives in nowheresville! Deep in the mountains in a really old "town" in the mountains and though only 40 min from me it's like a different world! Part of the reason my son can get away with so much w/ daddy is because his dad doesn't think to scold him the ways needed because he lives in the mountains w/ limited neighbors and such. I share walls w/ mine so my son constantly screaming and whining needs to be acted upon right away. My ex does not care that I need him to still instill the same types of authority so my sons easier to deal with when in my hands. His dad travels once every few months for a min of a week and sometimes 2 so there's no choice but for me to share custody even if everything else was awesome! I also never not want to be a staple in my sons life. I have done so much for him that I didn't really have an enjoyment to do, but knew it was best for him. Like breastfeeding. I hated it! I was never one of those glowing "I love the bonding experience of breastfeeding" type f mothers. Was time consuming, annoying, tedious and more than inconvenient and may I say HOT! Having to sit in the back of my car on 90+ degree days (ac or not) and smash myself between his carseat and the side door till he was finally done bfing! I did it for fricken 14 months though for his sake cuz I knew it was the most beneficial. Nothing, besides a condition of some sort, could had gotten me no use a formula.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
From a totally different perspective--have you thought about asking your doctor for a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication?

I loved parenting until my DD turned 3 last year. This past year has been so challenging, and frustrating, and stressful--parenting, marriage, the economy...I finally asked for a xanax prescription a few weeks ago and I feel much more "in control" than I did. The prescription says it is for anxiety. I am sleeping at night (which you mentioned as an issue) and I can even sleep past 5 am now--but, I still hear her if she wakes up in the night--it doesn't complete knock me out, but it really helps me relax. I also have some chronic back pain and the xanax helps relieve my back muscles. Obviously, talk to your doctor--it might not be for you, but it might help you get back into parenting.

Exercise--it sounds like you are pretty active but it will only help you both.

I really did not like myself as the parent of a 3 year old, and I am trying really hard to make 4 better. Hang in there.

I will ask, but sleeping solidly isn't the issue. If I am actually not being abused by flying limbs I sleep just fine.







Melatonin works great if I can actually sleep through the night. I could use something for my stress.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I would go to your local library and get the book: Sensational Kids by Lucy ******. If they don't have a copy, they can get one for you from another library.

Once you get it, read the sections on kids who are sensory seeking (see chapter 8). Your son has a lot of the signs of a sensory seeking kid, and that book has some good suggestions for things to do (at home) that might make your lives easier.

I'd recommend the book "Women's Moods" too.

Finally, are you venting here or asking for suggestions? both are OK, but will get you very different kinds of responses.


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## veggigoddess (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
I would go to your local library and get the book: Sensational Kids by Lucy ******. If they don't have a copy, they can get one for you from another library.

Once you get it, read the sections on kids who are sensory seeking (see chapter 8). Your son has a lot of the signs of a sensory seeking kid, and that book has some good suggestions for things to do (at home) that might make your lives easier.

I'd recommend the book "Women's Moods" too.

Finally, are you venting here or asking for suggestions? both are OK, but will get you very different kinds of responses.

Don't recall the last time I stepped foot in a library. Not since Amazon. Will just look on Amazon for those books then re-sell once done. Was hoping for some tips I didn't think of. Mainly just to see if there were other mothers going through the same thing. I have been dealign with this feeling for a long time now and have never posted anythign on a forum regarding so I felt it was time. After this mornign w/ my son just going from totlaly sweet & happy to a hellian in a matter of seconds I was like "I need to post how I am feeling" and remembered this site.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

: for you


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I couldn't read this without offering














to those who need it.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Have you looked at a list of fibromyalgia symptoms? It isn't normal to be in pain all the time and having to take meds just to function unless there is a problem. I have fibromyalgia so I know how that feels.


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## guestmama9915 (Jul 29, 2004)

What do you do to unwind? Have a beer, maybe?







Meditation? Find some ways to just really let it go? What do you do when he starts acting up? For discipline?

I think sometimes it's just kind of changing your expectations and how you respond to things. Easier said than done, but... I know I used to be a lot more anxious and stressed when my kids (or just kid, as this happened a lot when I had only 1) was acting up. I still get stressed and frustrated but a lot more (3 kids later and now single) just kinda rolls off my back. Want to scream and throw a tantrum? Mmkay, I'm going to go in the other room and take a break while you feel like doing that.









Anyway.. just some thoughts.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

You could sell your queen and get two twins so that you would each have your own sleeping space. You can get decent twins extremely cheap used and then at least you would be sleeping.


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

Many of the others are suggesting being away from your son more. I think the problem may be that you and your son aren't together enough. You don't have a symbiotic relationship. You aren't breastfeeding and having hormonal benefits (very few people are when their child is age 4) or sleeping together every night. Your son is being raised/cared for by you, his father, your relatives, perhaps his fathers friends and relatives, and paid care providers. It's no wonder the little guy has rapid changes in behavior. He has so many different expectations. Of course you are are unhappy mothering.

I know how hard it is to be a single mother, I am the single mother of 3 sons. Giving up custody may be the worst decision you could ever make. You may not be depressed and counseling may not help. It is hard to find good counseling.


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## maymorales (Dec 9, 2006)

I'm not a "fun" mommy in contrast to daddy. I always feel guilty. Not exactly what you're going through but I can commiserate a bit, ykwim?
I love the book suggestion. Also







on a beer here or there (of course, I'm not saying get plastered).
Hope you find suggestions to give you some relief soon.


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## Cascia (Apr 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Find a job and a very good daycare and don't look back. Seriously. Unless you can change your attitude you are not doing your son any favors. Not all of us are cut out to be the primary caregiver.


I agree with philomom completely. You need to get out of the house more and take time for yourself. Sometimes I get board of being around my kids all the time. Parenting is hard work. If your child is constantly misbehaving or is just not a lot of fun then it makes it even harder. I discuss parenting with my counselor all the time too and it really helps.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

I've only read the OP, but here are my thoughts. I amreally sorry your parenting life causes you sooo much stress. As I read your descriptions of your sons attitude I could see you in there IYKWIM. It sounds like you are more into the instant gratification andhaving a hard time seeing the long haul results. THis is not a blaming... just a wondering. I think maybe you would benefit from some conseling about how become a parent in reality has failedyour dreams of it.

I also agree that getting a job, part time or otherwise could be god for both of you. As I read what you wrote I can see your ds is picking up on your unhappinesses... and becoming a self fullfilling prophecy little dude.

Best wishes,
seriously consider therapy, at the very least to come to some peace about your life, ease those aches and pains, (not saying your "broken" and need to be "fixed").


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

It sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression, but that it seems like the issue is your son, because he is around so much. You can get treatment that will be life changing. I realize that I cannot diagnose depression by a post on MDC, but some of the signs that make me think it is depression are the body aches, the lack of patience with normal toddler behavior, but most of all, a focus on the dark side of life.

I am sending you love and healing vibes so that you can fnd the strength to get the help you need to deal with the underlying issues.

I also think going back to work and full time day care are good ideas in the interim.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

Nobody "enjoys" parenting in every moment, the goal is to enjoy the overall experience. Do you look back on the past 4 years of your life with regret? To you look to the future with hopelessness?

How, exactly, do you expect your son to behave? I think you have unreasonable expectations for children, judging from your attitude towards your son and towards the other kids at day care.

Children experience a wide range of emotions that they do not yet have the tools to understand or control. Excitement in an adult results in a smile, a hand clap, a simple "yay!"; in a child your son's age the normal response to the same emotion is screaming, running aimlessly, jumping up and down. Anger in an adult results in a tensed facial expression, deepened tone of voice, maybe a rant; the same emotion in a child results in hitting, yelling, crying, etc. This is all very normal and is to be expected from a 4 year old, the key to parenting is not to make sure that they "behave well" or that they never experience these emotions, it is to gently guide them and teach them the appropriate way of handling their emotions.

Also patience is a skill artfully mastered over the course of many years, and a 4 year old has many years to go before you can expect patience.









It sounds like you are doing a great job so far, based on the outside responses you mentioned!

My advice really is take care of yourself, get sleep. If you can't, see a doctor. The next step is to lower your expectations for yourself, then lower your expectations for your son.

Remember also, that even though your son is too young to articulate this, he loves you and he wants you to be happy. I know this because you are his mother, and he is your child, and that's just the way it goes.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

First off, good for you for posting this. It's hard for many parents to admit to the hard times and the times when parenting is not fun - it's really good that you are trying to find answers.

So I've read all the posts up to this one and when I read this part I just had a strong reaction (and let me say I work professionally with parents who are having a hard time with their kids so I do talk to a lot of parents who feel like you do):

Quote:


Originally Posted by *veggigoddess* 
I also never not want to be a staple in my sons life. I have done so much for him that I didn't really have an enjoyment to do, but knew it was best for him. Like breastfeeding. I hated it! I was never one of those glowing "I love the bonding experience of breastfeeding" type f mothers. Was time consuming, annoying, tedious and more than inconvenient and may I say HOT! Having to sit in the back of my car on 90+ degree days (ac or not) and smash myself between his carseat and the side door till he was finally done bfing! I did it for fricken 14 months though for his sake cuz I knew it was the most beneficial. Nothing, besides a condition of some sort, could had gotten me no use a formula.

When I read that I really got the impression that even though you have always wanted to be a mom and you felt ready, something about how this little boy came about was not right for you. I have all the respect in the world for your efforts to find some solutions and some peace so I'll be straight with my opinion: you sound bitter about something. I don't know what it is or what happened, but it sounds like your DS represents something you have negative feelings for beyond his actual behavior.

Everyone here who said your DS picks up on your feelings and it no doubt affects his behaviour, they're right. Still, you can't control your feelings and your feelings aren't anyone's fault, so it's not like you can just will yourself to feel differently. But please do understand that even when you feel like you're doing well hiding your feelings, your son is probably picking up on them at some level.

All that is to say that I really really hope that somehow going back to therapy with these specific issues becomes possible and affordable. When you were last in therapy did these issues with your son come up and did you get to get any advice on them? It just sounds like what's getting you down is much bigger than your son's behaviour and if that's true and there's some way to address the bigger stuff, you could get a lot more peace of mind and joy, even when he's driving you absolutely nuts.

Have you thought of calling any universities or colleges nearby (basically wherever the nearest graduat school of social work is) and asking if they have anyone who is skilled but also willing to work with you for free or at a dramatically reduced rate? Of course it's a little bit of a throw of the dice that way - not sure how good a counselor you'll get, but it is possible you'll get someone great and maybe not have to pay at all and they get more experinece. Just something to think about, it might make counseling affordable.

The fact that you're trying to figure this out shows what a good parent you are, so I wish you the best and hope it's soon that you and your son find a great balance and you feel much better.

Best of luck!
p.s. Just read the prior 2 posts to where my response posted - I totally agree with what they say and just reiterate that maybe going through a school of social work may be better than nothing, especially since your mom also lives with you which sounds like yet another source of major stress to you that you need to be able to process.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Not sure if this has been mentioned already, but I will say it anyway because I feel it's important to address: low self esteem. The way you talk about your son and the pain you keep experiencing physically says to me that you have pretty low self esteem. I've also had low self esteem for much of my life (have just started really addressing it in the last few years since my son was born) and it can really eat away at your life. Things that would seem minor to someone with healthy self esteem can feel 100 times heavier for someone with unhealthy self esteem. So, in the case of raising your son, he really doesn't sound like too out of the norm in terms of behavior, but the way you describe it and how exhausted you seem to be with it all on several levels, sounds to me like it feels like you're carrying the world on your shoulders. Does that sound/feel accurate? If so, then helping yourself heal your self esteem issues might be the answer to dealing with the core of this problem. Even if you have other people raise your son, the real issue won't be addressed.

You can start by asking yourself this: Do I feel good enough to be his mom? Why or why not?

Whatever pops up inside of you first is typically the most accurate answer, but feel free to keep coming up with answers to see what's there. I've found writing it down helps with the flow. This question will really start to help you understand why you feel so low and overwhelmed raising your son and what you can do to help yourself. If you don't feel like this type of exercise is going to help you understand yourself better then there are probably lots of books on the subject of selfesteem, and some that are targeted towards self esteem when it comes to parenting.

What has helped me is going within myself as much as possible and reflecting on what I'm feeling. I'm very in tune with my emotions, though, so this is easy for me. If you're not that in tune with yourself, then practice will certainly make it easier over time. Every time you feel like escaping, hiding, judging yourself or your son, or anything else that feels "off" then tune into it and see what you sense about it. This might be very subtle (it usually is for me) so practicing tuning in as much as possible will help you hear the messages come up. They may come in the form of words, images, bodily pains, etc. The fact that you keep experiencing physical pain is a signal from your emotions that you feel very burdened. Learning how to look into these types of signals is truly a gift in the long run for no one can tell us what's going on inside of ourselves...only we know how to help ourselves. The best anyone else can do is share their experiences and give some tips and pointers.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Find a job and a very good daycare and don't look back. Seriously. Unless you can change your attitude you are not doing your son any favors. Not all of us are cut out to be the primary caregiver.

Once you and your son are gone from the house each day... your hands on parenting time will be small. Just a few hours a week. Try to keep things as calm and cheerful as possible during those hours for your son's sake. You don't want to send him any signals that may suggest to him that he unloved or unwanted in life.

Good luck. Seek a therapist to talk to if you feel the need.









that is very sad advice.

My youngest child (DD) was a very diffcult baby. For that reason I put her in daycare from a very young age and kept her there for several years. She kept me up most nights, fussed all the time and made me regret having her for the longest time. I feel sooo guilty about that now. She's a child..a child. She can't help it how she acts. It's how I "react" that makes the difference.

Have you gotten counseling or help for this? Perhaps reading a book about how to handle your child may help. I had to do that eventually. By the time my DD was 3 I realized I had to do something. I figured out she had a sensory disorder and with the right diet, exercise and "attention" from the most important people in her life (her parents) she has since thrived. She hasn't been in a daycare since she was 3 and I totally regret the time that she spent with strangers all day because I couldn't cope. I'm not trying to be hard on you but this is an innocent child. They don't know how to act sometimes and not all kids are born 'easy' but that doesn't mean we should give up and let someone else handle it.

I also agree with someone else. Maybe you have depression or another disorder. I have dealt with depression off and on for many years. I am also the type to not handle a lot of stress very well. I've had to seriously work on myself in the last seven years in order to handle my high maintenance child. Now I have a loving, close, best friend relationship with my DD and proud to say she is homeschooled and has been for the last two years. I wouldn't have it any other way.







It can get better for you and your child. It just takes some work, not giving up. This is your child forever, not just for a little while. I found it best to learn how to deal with my child and understand WHO they are.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *foreverinbluejeans* 
Many of the others are suggesting being away from your son more. I think the problem may be that you and your son aren't together enough. You don't have a symbiotic relationship. You aren't breastfeeding and having hormonal benefits (very few people are when their child is age 4) or sleeping together every night. Your son is being raised/cared for by you, his father, your relatives, perhaps his fathers friends and relatives, and paid care providers. It's no wonder the little guy has rapid changes in behavior. He has so many different expectations. Of course you are are unhappy mothering.

I agree.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Checking in. Still







:


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *H & J's Mom* 
Just a thought, it sounds like you and his dad are not together ... would his dad having full custody be an option? There are lots of amazing dads out there being the primary care giver.

This would be my advice. It doesn't mean you failed. My sister had two children raised by their dad because she simply wasn't cut out for the day-to-day childrearing responsibilities, and her daughters were raised to adulthood and have great relationships with their mother.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I have difficulty with anxiety when DD1 goes into her tyrant modes. This was especially difficult when I was home for 12 weeks on maternity leave. I had to train myself to be as neutral to her as possible when she had a tantrum...not feed into it, and not get angry. If she demanded something and then began sobbing and acting nasty when I said no, I left the room and told her that once she was able to calm down, we would talk. I simply just blocked her out until she could regain control and constantly said to myself, "this will pass". I made her sit at the kitchen table while I was doing dishes one afternoon because she had just been especially angry and acted out quite nasty (molars are turning her into the devil). She decided to take all the placemats and everything on the table and throw them on the floor. My "old" self would have gotten quite angry (because I had just cleaned) and would have felt the anxiety wail up in me, BUT instead I MADE MYSELF block it out and focus on finishing the dishes. I kept saying this will be fine. I casually told her, "that was not very kind, I know you are angry." "You can get up from the table only after you calm down and clean up". 5 minutes later she was doing it.
Sometimes you just need to mentally learn how to brush it off and say "whatever" because our LO's feed off of us and how we are addressing a certain situation. DD would see me getting upset and it would make her want to turn it up a notch that much more. When I started simply not reacting and not talking, she calmed down a whole lot more.


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## guestmama9972 (Jun 5, 2003)

To the OP, I am glad you posted. I think it is brave of you to admit what a lot of us feel at times, that parenting sometimes stinks.

A couple of things came to mind when I read your post. First, I think that ages 3 and 4 are generally trying. My older dds were both fine as babies and two year olds, but once they hit 3 and a half to 4 they turned into crying, whining, tantrum-throwing banshees. Now they are 7 and 5 and have mellowed considerably. For a while there I was about to pull out my hair.

Second, it sounds like your sweet boy may be a high-needs person. Kids like this are exhausting to parent. Totally exhausting. I understand because I have one. In fact, she is asking for me right now!

I don't have any great advice. It seems like you've gotten all manner of advice from both sides of the spectrum. I just wanted to say that I hear you and hope that you can get over this hurdle in your journey.


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