# How Do I DISCIPLINE A 17 month-old??!!



## Aziah (May 10, 2005)

I love my daugheter dearly and up to this point I never disciplined her. But she is getting to the point where she blatenly disobeys the word "no" and refuses to be redirected. She also is getting in the habit of throwing temper tantrums and when playmates come over she doesn't like to share. At meal-times she is constantly throwing or spitting her food on the floor.

She is such a sweet girl...but she is getting into some bad habits. Can anyone advise me as to waht to do?


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## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

You'd probably get more help at the GD board. But really developmentally most 17 month olds aren't willing to share. Even my 25 month old immediately wants stuff some other child is playing with.

You might want to take a step back and try to determine where the behavior is coming from. Maybe she doesn't like playdates. Are you telling her No all of the time? Is spitting food and throwing a sign that she's done? etc., etc.

IMHO I don't think a 17 month old is actually developing bad habits. Mostly it's probably a phase of beginning to assert independence. I think if you view it as such and deal with it as such you might get more positive results. And I'm probably not GD at all although I'm certainly not the opposite. I just don't think a 17 month old is completely ready to deal with the concept of "discipline" or even consequences necessarily.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

IMO "discipline" is not appropriate for a 17 month old. They simply do not have the level of self-control that you are expecting. The name of the game for toddlers is redirection. Distract, offer something else, put safety issues out of reach, redirect, redirect, redirect.

She's not getting into "bad habits" She's being a toddler. A toddler's JOB is to explore and master their world. Help her to do that.

-Angela


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## Aziah (May 10, 2005)

Thanks guys...I was thinking she may still be too young to understand but the looks I am getting from other moms, not to mention my husband being disappointed at her behavior caused me to look at it again.


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## mraven721 (Mar 10, 2004)

_moving to discipline_


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Discipline means teaching. We discipline from the very begining.
My answer (it may be short- I'm NAK) is to respectfully *help* her do the "acceptable" thing. (obviously, make sure its a developmentally appropriate thing to expect)
My ds is 17 mos. When he does something that is unacceptable, say, hitting, I do a number of things to help him to NOT hit. I give information "It can hurt when you hit." I actually stop him from hitting, by either holding his arm, or moving away. I give him acceptable alternatives "You can touch me gently" or "You can bang on your toys" depending on WHY he was hitting. If he's really having trouble stopping hitting (very rarely), I figure we both need a change of scenery, and to move on to another activity.

Quote:

But she is getting to the point where she blatenly disobeys the word "no" and refuses to be redirected.
imo, it would help for you to re-examine your dd's intentions. I would be inclined to think in terms of "she was so involved in what she was doing, she couldn't stop" or something like that.
imo, it's important to give explanations and information for every "no." Also, use a "yes" instead of a "no" when you can. Or follow a "no" with a "yes." WAY easier for a kid to understand, and follow through with, "yes."
Then help her to stop, and redirect.
If it were a big deal that ds was throwing food (its not, we have dogs lol), I'd tell him that when he throws food, I have to clean it up. And I'd ask for his assistance in cleaning it up. I'd say "Food is to eat, not for throwing." I'd give him examples of things that ARE for throwing, and let him choose if he wants down to throw THAT. I might give him smaller portions at a time- that way the temptation to throw food isn't there.

I got an awesome suggestion a while back, on how to avoid repeatedly saying something, and being ignored- Say it once or twice, then change tactics. Obviously, allowing time for dc to understand, and all that.

This article may help: Looking Past the Behavior http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/looking_past.html

Quote:

Appropriate, loving, and effective messages to a "misbehaving" child have three elements:

Reassuring the child that his feelings are important, and have been heard and taken seriously, through full, loving attention. Without this message, he will feel rejected and misunderstood, and those feelings will only lead to further unwanted behavior.

Informing the child that the behavior in question is not the best way to have his needs met. Without this message, he will miss important, valid learning about the needs of others.

Modeling the preferred behavior to show the child what more appropriate and effective behavior would look like, so that in the future he can have his needs met in an easier and more productive way. Without this message, he will be limited to the same behaviors he has already tried, and little will change.

Quote:

She's not getting into "bad habits" She's being a toddler. A toddler's JOB is to explore and master their world. Help her to do that.










ok, not short. And a bit rambly. lol But i hth


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

3 year olds don't share - so I'd let that one go right away.

As for bad habits - I don't think that is the right way to think of it - she is probably just moving into another developmental stage.

At 17 months, IMHO, they are babies and too young for "discipline". Continue with redirecting and distracting - even tho I am sure it is very frustrating - eventually she will move through the developmental phase she is in.

Another idea is to examine your expectations too. Are they age appropriate?

Above all - patience.

Hugs to you.


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna*
IMO "discipline" is not appropriate for a 17 month old. They simply do not have the level of self-control that you are expecting. The name of the game for toddlers is redirection. Distract, offer something else, put safety issues out of reach, redirect, redirect, redirect.

She's not getting into "bad habits" She's being a toddler. A toddler's JOB is to explore and master their world. Help her to do that.

-Angela









:







:







:

Sorry - should have read this first - this sums it up. Babe is not neurologically capable of much, if any, self control at 17 months. For hitting - someone once told me - address the issue - take her hand, say "no hitting" firmly, something like that -- then expect to do it 1 million times -- baby has no cognitive ability to exercise that kind of self control.

That really helped me feel like a better mom when my DS was in that phase - like I was doing the right thing.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

I have a 19 m.o., and like Becky, I intervene physically A LOT to stop unacceptable behavior like hitting and touching dangerous objects. This is not a punishment, it's me helping him to not hurt himself or others. We always try verbal direction (either "no" or distraction or both), but if it doesn't work, I remove either the object or, in the case of venue-inappropriate behavior like screaming, I remove the whole baby









I used to be very frustrated when "no" didn't work for something really important like hitting or biting, but I don't feel that way any more, at least not most of the time. My ds doesn't do anything with malice, he just doesn't have much empathy or conscience yet. I do think that MINIMIZING negative incidents is important as both of you deserve a pleasant day together. Part of that is avoiding situations she can't handle, and part is intervening decisively without getting all stressed about it.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

A 17 month old is not too young for discipline.
Redirection, distraction, guiding and explaining are all facets of discipline.
17 months is too young to expect any type of noticeable result from this discipline. But discipline is a foundation where the fruits of your labor show up slowly over time.
Right now she may be driving you crazy. But have patience and keep redirecting, reminding etc. . . and you will someday be surprised that she has mastered some of these very behaviors you wish her to have.
Joline


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
A 17 month old is not too young for discipline.
*Redirection, distraction, guiding and explaining are all facets of discipline.* 17 months is too young to expect any type of noticeable result from this discipline. But discipline is a foundation where the fruits of your labor show up slowly over time.

Yes. I agree with Joline








But I'd take it one step farther, and say that 17 months is NOT too young to SEE (not expect) noticable results. My ds proves that to me over and over.
We sometimes lie on the floor and play, and of course it's fun to him to bounce on my stomach. I told him, starting about a week ago, that it hurts me when he does that. I said "lets try to think of other fun things we can do with you sitting there" we could...play pat-a-cake. We could kiss. We could "touch gently". he leaned over and put his foot by my mouth- his way of saying "you could kiss my feet" (he loves that lol).
The next time we were laying on the floor like that, I noticed that he did NOT bounce, and that he DID do some of the things we had talked about the day before. The next time we were laying on the floor in another room, he bounced (obviously "bouncing hurts" didn't generalize lol). I just told him it hurt, and mentioned something else to do, and that was that.

Dp sleeps way later than ds and I do. When ds plays with a loud toy, and dp is still sleeping, I tell him that it's loud, and daddy's trying to sleep, and it might wake him up. (I don't stop him, because neither dp or I think that is fair.) The last week, TWICE he stopped playing with a loud toy when I told him that (hadn't really happened before that). I didn't *tell* him to stop. I didn't even offer another toy, in one instance. He did it on his own. (I was more than impressed!) Oh, and it could just be coincidence, but he hasn't played with either of his loud toys while dp was sleeping, since then.

It obviously doesn't happen all the time. And I don't *expect* it. I'm not going to ask him to stop something, and be upset when he doesn't- I'd either help him stop, or decide that it must be important to him to continue.
I constantly give him information about how his actions may affect others- even on things that I am not going to *make* him do, or stop doing. I figure it will sink in, and he'll choose to do what feels right to him.


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Just FYI about sharing... I think Magda Gerber (RIE Founder, I wish there classes close to me!)
http://www.rie.org/dpexcerpts.htm

said this... that young children need to OWN before they can share.

Often, well-meaning parents, trying to teach good manners, expect/encourage/demand







sharing because it's "polite."

Well, young children need to own their own stuff before they can freely hand it over. I learned that at my son's Parent Co-op preschool. I find it liberating.

It honors the child (your daughter.) "No, she is playing with that right now. What else would you like?"
"You can wait till she is done with it."
You can ask your DD, "Can she borrow this for a minute?" Sometimes my toddler will hand things over (and sometimes she won't.)

Temper tantrums at playdates? If your husband had a friend over and kept taking the thing out of your hand every minute, you might throw a hissy fit too.









Throwing food? Yeah, it sucks. It usually means she's DONE with her meal.









Won't listen to no? Try telling her what you WANT her to do.

Instead of "No, don't do this..." Say, "Do ...." over and over and see if that helps.


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