# My mom wont stop saying "good boy"!



## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

This is driving me crazy! I have been coaching her on this since my ds was a newborn, and yet she still manages so say it every time she sees him!

Now that he is trying out all of those "challenging" 2 year old behaviors, I am just holding my breath until she calls him a bad boy!

How do you deal with this in your family? Maybe someone could help me explain it better.

I have told her that I don't want him to be labeled and that it is better to address the behavior and not judge him as good or bad. I had sarcastically told him he isn't a dog (in our family, we have always said good boy to our dog as a term of endearment!). I don't know.

She is sensitive to being told she is doing something wrong. She has issues, so sometimes it is hard to tell if she is doing it on purpose.

Help







I can't stand being around her because of this!


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## fromscatteredtribe (Mar 27, 2003)

we had to keep resaying GOOD JOB and saying "yes, mom...he is a good boy and always will be even when he doesn't act this cute"

it became a joke

we were sort of self-depracating (oh...you know all that pyscho bable we silly kids believe in now ...etc)

she eventually stopped and started saying "way to go" "nice work" etc


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## Madame Mamms (Aug 7, 2006)

I would begin rewarding her every "good" thing she does with "GOOD GIRL!" and a nice pat on the head.


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## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

quote:

"I would begin rewarding her every "good" thing she does with "GOOD GIRL!" and a nice pat on the head."

I LOVE this idea!!!! I can't wait to try this on her! She is a very sarcastic person and this is the pay back she deserves!!!


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## faithnj (Dec 19, 2004)

She probably believes in what she's doing...that it's good and right and necessary for his self-esteem. If you could present her with a brief print-out about why it's not good for his self-esteem, that might help her change her point of view. After all, if you think something is good for someone you love, how willing are you to do a thing that seems wrong, harmful, counter intuitive, without a good reason?

Other than that, I wouldn't stress about it. No offense, but this is like when people get in a lather over strangers who call others "Honey" or "Baby." It's not like one person's affectation is going to ruin every thing you show your child, day in and day out. He'll probably mention to you one day, "What's up with Grandma? LOL! She says good boy to me like I'm the dog? LOL!" And yet, he'll still love grandma despite it. Kids notice the difference between how their mom's and dad's treat them, and how other people treat them.

On top of that, unless the language is abusive/mean spirited, I don't agree with regulating how other people communicate with my dd. She encounters far to much a diversity of individuals, from many different cultures at that-- to be telling people "In my country, in my culture, we don't blah blah blah." I let her find each person where they are in their lives, and let her decide what she likes/dislikes about each person. The only problem I really have is when they want to force physical affection on her, and she's crying about it. But honey-dipped words and comments? I had to give up on regulating that as soon as we took her out and people started to say she was "pretty," all the time.

JMO. Take it or leave it.

Faith


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## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

Faith, I think you made some good points. I have to admit that I bring baggage from my own childhood. And come to think of it, good boy is better than what I got, which is no praise at all, ever! I have to learn to let go of that!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I Took early childhood classes in high school. It was drilled into us NEVER EVER say "Good boy/girl" to a child.

I took what seems like doozens of early childhood classes in college. It was drilled into us, not to say "good boy/girl" to a child.

I have read more books than I can remember, and they all tell you never say "good boy/girl"

Much less "Bad Boy/girl"

After 25 years of KNOWING with every fiber of my being that you don't use those words.......

This morning, I said "Good girl" when my challenging child used a spoon the right way for the first time. I wanted to wash my mouth out with soap. What a stupid thing to say. I made it sound like she was a puppy who had just pottied outside for the first time. GAG.

Just tell the family to stop talking to him like he is a dog. Hopefully they will be more mindful in the future, eventually they will pick up what you are saying, and learn from you.


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## Very Snoofly (Jan 13, 2003)

My MIL does this all the time too. In fact, one of my younger daughter's very first phrases was "Good girl!" (She's 13 months.)









I just try to follow it up with something concrete: MIL says "Good girl!" and I jump in with, "You used the fork all by yourself!" or whatever it is. But I also agree with faithnj --This is how my MIL expresses herself, she's always going to be part of my daughters' lives, it's not too likely she's going to change, and the fact is, she does adore my girls. She just does it differently than I would. So, I try to mitigate it, but I don't sweat it too much.


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## alba (Aug 20, 2006)

Well, I good all my kids, and somehow, in spite of this horrible mis-guided action, they're turning out great.









I don't think you have much to fear from these visits. The home structure is what matters most. (((hugs))) though, it so freakin' annoying when people ignore your requests regarding your children. Hello???







:


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I sometimes let good girl slip out but I'd rather word things better same with DH who does it a little more often but ohh well, I think when the overall dynamatics of a postive familuy is in place the occasional (or even frequent) from others becomes less of a problem. People in my home are set to a high standard we work as a family to meet these goals we share in the joy when those goals are met and no ones punished when the mark is missed.

Quote:

"I would begin rewarding her every "good" thing she does with "GOOD GIRL!" and a nice pat on the head."
Both DH and took careful notice of how often those words slipped from our lips when DD would stat patting OUR heads saying yes mommy/daddy Good girl good boy









Deanna


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## 2much2luv (Jan 12, 2003)

Our kids' grandma tells them they are "good girls" all the time, but she would never ever call someone a "bad girl" or "boy". She adores children. So just because someone says "good boy" doesn't mean they will also say "bad boy".


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faithnj*
On top of that, unless the language is abusive/mean spirited, I don't agree with regulating how other people communicate with my dd. She encounters far to much a diversity of individuals, from many different cultures at that-- to be telling people "In my country, in my culture, we don't blah blah blah." I let her find each person where they are in their lives, and let her decide what she likes/dislikes about each person. The only problem I really have is when they want to force physical affection on her, and she's crying about it. But honey-dipped words and comments? I had to give up on regulating that as soon as we took her out and people started to say she was "pretty," all the time.

ITA, Faith. My parents have been in town for a month to help us out with DS (I started working PT) and I have not been able to get them to stop saying "GOOD!!" to everything that DS does. My mom is a 1st grade teacher and I think it's just so ingrained at this point that she can't (or won't) overcome that urge. She understands why we don't say it, and even read Unconditional Parenting when I loaned it to her, but I think she's just most comfortable using praise in her interactions with DS. I know she would never turn it around and call him "bad", so I've decided to let it go. It still makes me crazy when I hear it too much, but I keep my feelings to myself now. DS's grandparents love him so much, and he loves them; I figure if the occasional "good job" is the only complaint I have, then I'm pretty lucky!


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

My mom says "good job" or "good boy" for EVERYTHING Benji does! She could be at my house for just an hour and say it at least 20 times. But with her I think it's because she doesn't know HOW to interact with him (she has issues) so all she can think to do is give him fake praise for everything he does and show him a lot of fake enthusiasm. She pretty much never says anything else to him except "good job" or "good boy," so I don't think she knows how to say anything else. (Totally different from how she raised me, which was 100% negative interaction.) So I just keep the visits short.


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## Deir (Aug 19, 2005)

I really thionk this is not something to worry about. I try to relax and let
my mom and in laws do their own thing for the most part. Now- I am lucky because they are pretty great mostly. They may do things a litle different than we do but maybe that is ok? Occasionally I bite my tongue. That being said if it more constant or or if she was blatantly disregarding your wishes that is another story. I guess saying "yes of course he is a good boy- even when he isn't" or something like that might get your point across.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deir*
I really thionk this is not something to worry about. I try to relax and let
my mom and in laws do their own thing for the most part. Now- I am lucky because they are pretty great mostly. They may do things a litle different than we do but maybe that is ok? Occasionally I bite my tongue. That being said if it more constant or or if she was blatantly disregarding your wishes that is another story. I guess saying "yes of course he is a good boy- even when he isn't" or something like that might get your point across.

ITA with Deir. As long as your mom is "with the program" in all the other important areas, I would try not to stress about this. Grandparents and other family members just aren't going to follow your program completely. As long as she's making a good faith effort to follow other AP practices, I think you should just try to ignore this. If it really bothers you, I do like the idea of correcting her to your DS after she makes the good boy comment with something like, "yes, you did a nice job of picking up your toys." This "correction" will also reinforce to your mom that you don't like her saying good boy and she might make more of an effort not to say it. You might also reinforce your mom's good behavior by complimenting her on the other areas where you appreciate her actions.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faithnj*
She probably believes in what she's doing...that it's good and right and necessary for his self-esteem. If you could present her with a brief print-out about why it's not good for his self-esteem, that might help her change her point of view. After all, if you think something is good for someone you love, how willing are you to do a thing that seems wrong, harmful, counter intuitive, without a good reason?

Other than that, I wouldn't stress about it. No offense, but this is like when people get in a lather over strangers who call others "Honey" or "Baby." It's not like one person's affectation is going to ruin every thing you show your child, day in and day out. He'll probably mention to you one day, "What's up with Grandma? LOL! She says good boy to me like I'm the dog? LOL!" And yet, he'll still love grandma despite it. Kids notice the difference between how their mom's and dad's treat them, and how other people treat them.

On top of that, unless the language is abusive/mean spirited, I don't agree with regulating how other people communicate with my dd. She encounters far to much a diversity of individuals, from many different cultures at that-- to be telling people "In my country, in my culture, we don't blah blah blah." I let her find each person where they are in their lives, and let her decide what she likes/dislikes about each person. The only problem I really have is when they want to force physical affection on her, and she's crying about it. But honey-dipped words and comments? I had to give up on regulating that as soon as we took her out and people started to say she was "pretty," all the time.

JMO. Take it or leave it.

Faith


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Forgive me for my ignorance, but why should we not say "good boy?"
I think I do say this to my ds. I know when I ask him to pick up his toys or something and he does, I say, "very good!" I probably do say "good boy". I know I'm a product of my own raising







Can someone please educate me?


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

I have no issues with Good Girl/Good Boy... it's Bad Boy/Girl that bothers me. My DH Uncle called my son a bad boy... and that has sort of stuck. Now when he does anythign wrong, he cries "I good boy. Sami good boy. Not bad boy." It has really traumatized him. I'm not sure what to do about it, other than say.. "Of course you are. Sami is a very good boy. A wonderful boy and we love him." But he can't seem to shake that bad boy thing. He also goes around calling other people/things good boy/bad boy.


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## themamamama (Jul 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *umsami*
My DH Uncle called my son a bad boy... and that has sort of stuck. Now when he does anythign wrong, he cries "I good boy. Sami good boy. Not bad boy." It has really traumatized him. I'm not sure what to do about it, other than say.. "Of course you are. Sami is a very good boy. A wonderful boy and we love him." But he can't seem to shake that bad boy thing. He also goes around calling other people/things good boy/bad boy.









This story makes me so sad. Poor Sami! This is exactly what I'm afraid of for my DS in his interactions with my MIL and FIL. They love him but just aren't aware of the impact of calling him naughty or telling him the things he does are shameful. Gotta have a talk with them before he sees them again...

I have to agree, "bad boy" bothers me a lot more than "good boy", although "good boy" annoys me too.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I know plenty of people who asy giood girl/good boy and would never ever say bad boy or bad girl. it really doesn't have to go both ways.

we try not to do it though.

with grandparents we pretty much ignore little stuff like that. there are so many battles . . this one just isn't even on the radar for us. the best you can do is modle appropriate things to say.


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## rainy32 (Apr 27, 2004)

my parents are really heavy into "good boy" (and they would say "bad boy" if they felt it was appropriate).

What we do is model very explicitly how we speak to ds:

"thank you, Wyatt" when he does something we had asked him to do, or when he spontaneously does something generous or kind or helpful. And, perhaps "Wyatt, that was very kind of you." or, "Its nice to be loved up by you!"

and "Wow. That looked like fun." or "That looked difficult" when he does something awesome like carry a bowl of water across the room without spilling, or scale the couch and jump off (we allow jumping), or run around the house hugging everyone.

or, "I see that you've put on your shoes. Thank you. Now we can go out!"

After 2 or 3 days of this in our presence, we've noticed that they start adopting our tone and words. But, as he gets older, I am prepared to ask them to really watch the "good boy" stuff -- and if they ever say "bad boy" or try to discipline him, I will nip it in the bud immediately, hopefully in a respectful way! (and not in front of him, because I don't want to disrespect them or undermine their legitimate authority in his eyes --of course, if they've hurt his feelings I will correct them in front of him).


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## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

I don't want my ds to be "labeled" a good boy or ugh, bad boy for his behavior. I want the behavior to be addressed when neccessary, without putting a judement on him. I believe labels have a lasting effect on children, especially when they are developing a sense of self. Imagine the self-fullfilling prophecy of a child told they are "bad" all the time!

I have been reading Alfie Kohn for years and also don't believe in offering praise such as "good job" for everything my child does.

So, that's where I am coming from


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## Madame Mamms (Aug 7, 2006)

Alphie Kohn is excellent. I wish I had his book in front of to quote him; I think it's in Unconditional Parenting that he comments on the good job thing- good job drooling, ect... I will have to look it up. I laughed so hard.

The problem is always attaching a value statement to everythimg our children do. Why does it have to be "Good"? (Which implies that they are always running the risk of being judged as "bad.") Why can't it just be going down the slide; simply drawing a picture; only eating their lunch. Maybe the child himself thinks his picture is, let's not say bad, but by his own standards, not so great. Why not let him make the value judgements for himself.

Kids are gluttened on every kind of sweet thing. Praise too. They then grow up craving it like chocolate. Unable to do anything unless someone else approves.


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jackaroosmom*
I don't want my ds to be "labeled" a good boy or ugh, bad boy for his behavior. I want the behavior to be addressed when neccessary, without putting a judement on him. I believe labels have a lasting effect on children, especially when they are developing a sense of self. Imagine the self-fullfilling prophecy of a child told they are "bad" all the time!

I have been reading Alfie Kohn for years and also don't believe in offering praise such as "good job" for everything my child does.

So, that's where I am coming from










Yes, this. I don't find myself 100% in agreement with what I've read of Alfie Kohn's work, but I totally agree with your first paragraph. I remember as a child having long sessions trying to decide if I was actually a "good girl" or a "bad girl."


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