# I need to get this out...



## MyHeartInOz (Nov 30, 2007)

I posted a couple of times maybe about my issues with DC and custody and my parents. I normally post under another name but made this one to post about the issues with DC because I don't feel comfortable posting under my regular username. For those who don't remember (and probably no one will since I rarely posted about it anyway) the run-down on DC is this: my parents called CPS on us (I will be truthful, it wasn't ALL for vindictive reasons, it was partially because at the time my bipolar was out of control), they did a terrible job and due to miscommunication gave my parents temporary custody, I gave up (it just fueled the bipolar) and things got worse. I got kicked out of my parents house, blah blah blah. Things have started to get better, but again due to lack of communication, I got more screwed by CPS and have lost custody of DC and can't legally fight it for year from that court date, though I have since acquired a lawyer and found some things that weren't in various papers I signed, etc etc etc. Anyway, so I may still not be able to fight until a year, or it may not be wise to do so, but that year comes up in September so I'll do what I can and see how things go. Now I KNOW that I will get DC back by September, if not before then.

But here is why I'm posting here. And, please, do not flame me. Do not judge me straight out as a terrible person or selfish or anything, at least not without remembering that being in that situation is completely different from saying what you would do (because, trust me, I never thought it would be like that until I went through it). You are free to post your thoughts (negative, positive or neutral), I just need to get this out in a place where I feel I am most likely to have understanding women to talk to. If you can't deal with this post, then please just leave. I'm warning you now.

I got pregnant about halfway through all of this, not long after I got kicked out. I went so far downhill, started drinking a lot and sleeping around (the bipolar kicked in big time, even if I was taking my meds, and I just didn't know how to handle things). Once I got an ultrasound and figured out with my last period, I was quick to do the math and figure out who the father was. He didn't want the baby, and I have no clue if he would've been involved. Child support wasn't a problem, my DC's biological father is not involved so being a single mom and getting child support is nothing new. The situation with the father (besides the fact that we didn't have a partnership and therefore no stable relationship) had little influence on things. But I was soooo scared. I always said I would never have an abortion. After DC was born, I KNEW I could never do it. Until I got pregnant this time. I was scared. I had no regular place to live, and even if I did find a place (which I eventually did, after jumping between three other temporary places), my main worry was that I would not be able to be the mother I wanted to be since I figured I would have little or no support from my parents this time around and how was I supposed to afford just to live even if I just took 12 weeks maternity leave at partial pay? My biggest fear, the one that tipped the scale, was that my parents would take this baby away. They already went back on almost every decision I made for DC and I didn't want this baby to be screwed up even more. So I had an abortion. I didn't know what else to do. I tried to do it myself with herbs but they didn't work and I wanted to use the chemical one but I was just a couple days past the allowed gestation (I wanted chemical so I could at least do it at home, in private, and bury the baby bean). But I couldn't, so I had a surgical abortion. They wouldn't let me take the bean home due to "health hazard regulations with the state" but they did allow me to look at it. I remember going in and being unsure yet sure the whole time. I didn't have anyone to pick me up and they explained that they couldn't give me the normal ones in that case (because they make you groggy and disoriented) so I called the one friend who I knew I could trust and she agreed to pick me up so they gave me the normal ones...I didn't want to "be there" for it. I remember laying on that table and as they were sticking in the needle tears started streaming down my face, and then they injected the drugs. Afterwards I saw what was there (it'd all been torn up during the procedure) and it hurt so much that I couldn't see my bean (whole, anyways), couldn't touch it, take it home, bury it. I went home and slept for hours. I got even worse, and drank almost every night for about two weeks until I finally realized I had to get it together so I could at least keep my job and hopefully eventually fight for DC back. When I cried on the table (and I didn't even cry out loud, I just had tears run down my face), that was the first and last time I cried for a long time. It was months before I finally cried over it. I told everyone (except for a handful of people) that I miscarried...and I did feel like I miscarried. I felt like I had no choice and that he (I say he because I'm convinced it was a boy) would just be taken away and hurt more. I still feel that it was the best decision. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. Had I known I would have support, that he wouldn't be taken away, I'm as sure as I can be that I would've kept him. I have since found an amazing partner who I told early on about it and he holds nothing against me for it. We would love to have children together but are smart enough to know we need to wait until we get DC back first. But it still hurts. I feel like he was stolen from me. I loved that baby so much. But I didn't know what to do and that was the best foreseeable answer considering not a single thing else was foreseeable. I still don't necessarily regret making the decision. What I regret is not doing the chemical earlier so I could have at least passed him on my own. What I regret is not going to my midwife (I went to the local hospital knowing it would keep me feeling disconnected - that's how I felt with DC, disconnected until I went to my midwife, since the local hospital just tosses you around like you're getting an oil change or a normal physical checkup or something). But what I regret most is having to go through it in the first place, not having the support, feeling the way I felt. I regret getting pregnant to even put myself in that position. I still feel it was for the best, but it hardly makes it easier. I'd be a mother to two right now. But I also know that I wouldn't have found my partner if things hadn't gone that way (and subsequently wouldn't have renewed faith of getting DC back - his father is a lawyer in family law and is helping me pro bono). I have such mixed feelings about it, and I'm more at peace than I'm not, but it still hurts every time I think of him, and I think of him every day. I even named him. I believe in reincarnation so I pray that I will get him back, but I don't know, and I don't know that when I do have another baby if I'll be sure or not if that is the one I lost. At least with DC I know I will get DC back, and I see DC as often as I can. But that's not the case with the baby I lost. I didn't even tell my midwife that it was an abortion. I lied and told her I miscarried (I did make an appointment with her before I was sure about what I was going to do, but backed out because I was scared it would make me want to keep him and that I'd make the wrong decision and give birth only to lose him). Though I know she won't judge me, it's just not something I wanted to go into with her. She was the woman who helped me give BIRTH to my DC; I didn't want her to be the person who helped me through the loss of another that I made happen.

I just wanted to get that out. Maybe someone here has gone through something similar, maybe no one has. I just needed to let it out. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I still think of him every day, and I still love him.

So, there's my story. I just needed to share. Please be gentle.


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## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

That's all I've got. You're in my prayers, sweetie.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

I'm so sorry.


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## Quickbeam (Jan 6, 2009)

I'm not here to judge you, mama. You and your bean are in my prayers.

I hope you will heal and be whole, and I wish you the best with your custody situation.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Hang in there.


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## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm so sorry, hon. My sister has bipolar disorder as well so I've seen how hard it is to control and deal with. I hope that your love for your son can fuel your continued healing so that you'll be able to do what it takes to have the life that you want and deserve. Please try to forgive yourself for the past and the choices you've had to make. Something that I've learned lately is that we have less control over life than we like to think. We just do the best that we can with the situations we're given.


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## lostmomof3 (Jan 11, 2009)

I HAVe bipolar to and battling cps over my girls good luck mama. ever need to chat msg me.


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## Mama2Dane (Aug 24, 2007)




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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

No one will judge you here ( I should hope). You are suffering from a loss too. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. I'm glad that you felt this was a safe place for you to share but so sad that you're hurting, mama. I remember reading your posts about DC... I hope for the absolute best outcome. You are clearly a loving mother and just because you're bi-polar ( I am too







) doesn't mean you are incapable of being a GREAT mom.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm sorry - I can imagine how much pain you're in right now. I'm sorry for the way you feel - HUGE hugs to you. *HUGS* XXX


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I am so sorry for your very sad loss.















for your little bean.

I used to work in psych and I know what bipolar looks like, it is incredibly tough on a person. I also have seen how very stable people can be even w/bi-polar. There were two staff members who had bi-polar disorder. It may be what drove them to work in psych in the first place. But they had it all together. You will too, you are working on it.

~Tracy


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I can't read and not give you a







:

Have you heard of this place?

http://afterabortion.com/


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

for you.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)




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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Mama, big hugs. I am much older. still struggle with depression. have dealt with DCF MANY times. cried through an abortion. still need to heal. That you took the time to write it out is a huge sart. Lots of love.


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## michanders4 (Jul 24, 2008)




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## slowtime (Sep 25, 2006)

One of my best friends, who lives in another state, had an abortion a couple of years ago. She told me about it after my miscarriage in November. She was so nervous about telling me - her mother had been completely unsupportive, and the only friend who knew she was pregnant was doing IVF herself, and kept telling my friend to just have the baby and give it to her. But my friend knew she was in no position to go through with a pregnancy and have a baby. She made an extremely difficult decision. I was glad she told me. Loss is loss, and it can be so difficult to find room to grieve.

I wish you peace and luck.


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

I have a mentally ill sister. It can be a hard, hard life. Big hugs and big prayers going out for you. God bless.


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