# My 9 year old just seem unhappy



## mlsantarem (May 4, 2004)

I have ask for advise here a number of times and it has been transforming. It has been a difficult year with my daughter but things are getting easier. Our morning routine is rarely anything but pleasant. Which before was just ...not.

I believe this is a developmental phase for her mixed with a bit more.
My dd is the eldest we have ds7 and dd 4

She is 9 yo and moved to a new school a year and 1/2 almost 2 ys ago. She is very very quiet and has now a couple of friends. Friends have been hard for her it is an ´international´school and kids come and go and two friends have left all ready as did a teacher she liked very much. The classroom has been together for 3 years now and there are strong group already formed and so making friends was hard but not impossible. We live in Brazil we came when my dd was 2 yo, moved from one part of the country to another. Some details about school dynamics, transient international students (10%), stable local students that are very elite and we are in the middle not transient speak language live in Brazil many years ect.., but new to the school definately not elite. Since she started there are sparks of interest in school and in her after school activities but she is generally unhappy with the school and her life at school. and she is a good student but it´s hard work for her. (it is the first time she is studing in an English language school)

Lately she seems more easily upset over small things, the wrong word, inpatient with siblings but having said that with recomendation from here that has really changed for the better.

I don´t know what is normal. I never really expected her to be so sensitive at this age though I read that it happens. Let say it about once every week a crying fit. I would feel ok if it was really about issue at hand but it seems like a general blow out about life.

School isn´t perfect and she doesn´t fit in completely, she doesn´t seem to be bullied, she does her school work and excell in certain subjects. She has two evenings a week doing volley ball which if frankly a group of neighborhood kids at the beach with a fun jolly instructor it´s for 1 1/2 hours it has been a life saver since we moved here. She doesn´t have to negociate much socially but still have fun. She loves it. I love the woman who organizes it.

I guess what I am saying/asking is this. I want to respect her difficulties but also recognized that they are part of life and as hard as it is she needs to resolve/accept...?

For example she said they `don´t respect me at the table` they have table of 4 children. This was after a bit of a crying tirade about doing her math home work (it´s extra homework and she is basically pist that she has to do it but she agreed and will be rewarded at the end of the year for the extra work for which she agreed). What does that mean I say ( I have be honest I didn´t have a lot of patience after the breakdown about the homework). She said `they said I put too much glue on something and I didn´t. I don´t fit in` . I said well what can you do about it, what do you want to do about? `I don´t know....loud at this point....I say sometimes the answer is now always right there but you have the power in you. School can crappy a times but you do have friends and friends in the classroom (she has one in her class).

I used to get draw into the drama arguing with her allowing my buttons to be pushed ect...after reading here and doing meditation. I am much better hence the drama is much less but I sometime do regress.....

I have to be honest I feel that it might be a way to distract from the homework and that school periodically stinks but there are ways to approach things in life. And she will need to decide which way she is going to. There seems to be a lot of self pity. Which is ok I guess .... if it´s only a phase but if is becoming a sort of view of the world...then that´s not ok. What do you do with that? We usually have a cool down/up period after these bouts of crying followed by self-pity woo is me kind of things, your this you never let me do that, life stinks.....

Just to add to the mix her 7yo brother has never been happier in school. He is the best student in the class, everyone loves him, he loves everyone. Before we moved here he was the miserable one, hated school crying all the time, only going to school twice a week. We actually made two trips to this city with him to help him transition. I know this affects dd that he is doing so well.

I also feel uncomfortable with her saddness because we have contributed to it by our life style. My husband´s job has required us to move a couple of times (this is our third city in Brazil in 7 years). And we will be moving back to USA for good in the next year or so. It is the challenge in our family that affects our dd the most. But it is our life. I grew up in the same house which is still in the family, didn´t have a passport till I was 23 yo. And that wasn´t a recipe for feeling accepted and understood. There are many families that have had similar trajectories and surviced emotionally.

I know I have gone on a bit but it´s just not easy to say.

Recapt.
- protecting self-esteem
- is this self-pity a phase or a something she has learned to distract her from something she doesn´t want to do...
-what can I do/not do
- my feelings of guilt reguarding our life style.
MLSantarem


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlsantarem* 
Lately she seems more easily upset over small things, the wrong word, inpatient with siblings...

That sounds very normal for her age.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlsantarem* 
I guess what I am saying/asking is this. I want to respect her difficulties but also recognized that they are part of life and as hard as it is she needs to resolve/accept...?

When a person is talking about their feelings, struggles and difficulties, the important thing is to feel heard and understood. We do not need to teach our children that difficulties are a part of life, any more than we need to teach them that if they drop something it will fall. She'll learn that just from being a part of the world.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlsantarem* 
For example she said they `don´t respect me at the table` they have table of 4 children. This was after a bit of a crying tirade about doing her math home work (it´s extra homework and she is basically pist that she has to do it but she agreed and will be rewarded at the end of the year for the extra work for which she agreed). What does that mean I say ( I have be honest I didn´t have a lot of patience after the breakdown about the homework). She said `they said I put too much glue on something and I didn´t. I don´t fit in` . I said well what can you do about it, what do you want to do about? `I don´t know....loud at this point....I say sometimes the answer is now always right there but you have the power in you. School can crappy a times but you do have friends and friends in the classroom (she has one in her class).

Try using "active listening"--An approach where you basically repeat back to her what she is saying, so that she knows you've heard her. Let her talk about her problems without trying to talk her out of her feelings or solve the problem. It can help to talk through feelings--it may help her uncover a solution of her own. Other times, feeling understood is all you need.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlsantarem* 
There seems to be a lot of self pity. Which is ok I guess .... if it´s only a phase but if is becoming a sort of view of the world...then that´s not ok.

When a person doesn't feel heard or understood it can cause that person to become more and more determined in those emotions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlsantarem* 
I also feel uncomfortable with her saddness because we have contributed to it by our life style.

This is key. Kids are sad sometimes. There is nothing you can do to make her be happy all the time. It has to be ok for her to be sad.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I recommend two books:

For you: _Liberated Parents, Liberated Children_ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It's about active listening and other techniques you can use to help your kids feel competent at handling their own lives while also feeling respected and heard by you.

For her: _Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day_ by Judith Viorst. This is a picture book aimed at slightly younger kids, but I think it would really resonate with her. When I first read it to my son I was startled that, after all the things that go wrong in Alexander's day and all the mishaps and unfairnesses that remain unresolved, the book ends, "My mother says some days are like that." What a downer! Yet my son loves this book; he seems to find it reassuring that he's not the only one who sometimes feels like EVERYTHING is going wrong.

Both of these books include the issue of siblings seeming to have an easier time and feeling that it's unfair.

I've had a couple of stages in my life (including as an adult) when I had lengthy sobbing fits approximately once a week because of the stress of life in general. Here are a couple of things I remember as helpful:

Don't discourage her from crying. In addition to the emotional release, crying can remove stress hormones from the body and really make a person feel better once it's over. If her crying is annoying you, gently guide her to her room, settle her in a cozy spot with her favorite cuddly toy and a big pile of hankies, give her a hug, and say, "I'll be back to check on you in a little while."

Offer to "make a list of all the things that are wrong" as she tells you. This is a surprisingly effective exercise (I've been on both sides of it!) for releasing bad feelings and putting things into proportion.

Try to have something particularly nice happen just as the fit is running out of steam or at the point when she comes out of her room to re-join the family. It might be especially effective if you can get the annoyingly happy brother to help with this. For example, while she's crying he could help you make her favorite dessert, or while you're comforting her he could draw a picture she would especially like.








for you and







for her! Good luck!


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## mlsantarem (May 4, 2004)

Sunnyside Up thank you for the detailed response it´s just what I need. I will review the link you gave me I scanned it a bit.

I definately feel the need to take these negative feels away from her but others in my life listening is not as difficult to just listen.

EnviroBecca; I actually have right beside me Siblings without Rivalry by the same authors which is a lot about communication. I will look for the other books you recommended though again I am out of the states but will try non the less

I like doing something concrete like helping her make a list

Again thank you it´s very helpful
MLSantarem


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## Wazabooz (Apr 27, 2006)

Hi ML: When my daughter was nine we were given an article from her Waldorf school that I found to be very helpful. I've searched for it online and I'm not sure if this is the right one, but certainly on the same topic:
http://waldorf2.intercast-media.com/..._old.html#more

At the most basic level, your daughter is beginning the big changes that will soon make her an adolescent. Hormones and life changes can make any of us moody, so try to educate yourself, and above all don't take it personally.
Good luck and don't worry -- whether it's "just a phase" or something else, this too will pass.
Waz


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## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

Thank you for sharing mlsantarem!

I like the idea of the list - it seems like another good way where she can share with you what is bothering her in a safe way and feel heard in the process.

During this tough time for you dd, I would suggest giving her as much verbal and even non-verbal signs of love as possible. I would add a recommendation of the book, The Five Love Languages of Children. It talks about how kids give and receive love through:
1. touch
2. quality time
3. acts of service
4. gifts (doesn't necessarily have to be material things)
5. words of encouragement

And though ALL should be used with kids as much as possible, the book helps identify how each particular child communicates love. Examples, my ds is a quality time guy. So I started seeing his "Mommy, come and play with me" more as a sign of love and a way for me to give him love rather than he's bored and just needs entertainment.

Sending hugs to you and your dd!


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## mlsantarem (May 4, 2004)

Thanks Wazabooz and Danaoc

My dd and I are doing much better. She seems like school which has taken a turn for the better, she seems happier about life in general. It is an ongoing process for the both of us. Learning each day

MLsantarem


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## mlsantarem (May 4, 2004)

A bit of an update and asking again for recomendations

My DD is doing much better as are we both. She seems to be more comfortable at school and with friends. Also she is more respectful to her brother, that was another thread again lots of good recommendations from MDC.

Now I am struggling with her relentless attacks on me now. I understand that she will feel frustated with certain requirements in the house or in a grumpy mood but the lashing out at me seem beyond the pail. She just seems cruel, disrespectful and rude mostly to me.

I try and be patient with her but I am human

This is just something I remember from this morning. The school van was picking her and her brother up and beeping out front. ( I told them eariler that they need to get going that the van was coming soon) My son wasn´t ready and she was told to go out and let them know her brother was coming but he would be a minute...She says to me why don´t you help DS with his bag ´if your not too lazy`. I said that was unnecessary rudeness and she left for the van.

It´s stuff like that. I am not calling anyone lazy in my house it´s a lot of that kind of stuff to me which is shocking. I can´t even IMAGINE saying anything like that! I try and respond patiently let her know when she has gone too far but really what it that. I can´t help but feel it show a hudge lack of respect.
It seems that she attacks me personally when she is tired and or frustrated. I let her talk about the frustration but there are moments when I feel it´s going to get personal and then it moves into a personal attack, your fat ect... I let her know that it´s gone to far and it´s insulting ect...
It´s just been going on for too long for my taste and not productive it shuts down the communication. I do go back and say I understand that she is trying ect... but generally get the eyes rolling sign...It´s unpleasant.

I understand she is trying to use her tool of attack, language, it just seem early for this display of contempt.

I looking for ways to manage it. Better yet my response to it.
MLSantarem


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Here's something that seemed to help my 8 year old dd with her acting out when angry/frustrated/tired. She really needed to learn to cope with her strong emotions in better ways, and to learn to better communicate her feelings. We worked a lot on developing a strong feelings vocabulary, and we started working on this only during calm/happy/good times. The idea was to just make this how we talk about feelings in our home, and to start working on it at times when it wouldn't feel like criticism and things weren't already heated.

For our dd, we started out by making a "feelings thermometer," which was a little posterboard chart. She and I made it together, with each color representing a group of feelings. We started out saying that yellow was "feeling okay/calm" and pink was "happy/really good", orange was "feeling bad" and red "really bad." She chose the colors. Next to each square of color we added feelings words, brainstorming together for words and choosing which color they belonged to. So for yellow she chose calm, okay, relaxed, nervous; for orange it was things like frustrated, angry, tense; for red it was really frustrated, really angry, really tense; pink was very happy, excited. She chose blue and purple for things like disappointed and sad. Along with that we had a section for physical feelings like tired, good, sick, something hurts, etc. We put velcro on, and made a marker that she could move around to each color-one for emotions and one for physical stuff. _Starting only with times when she seemed to feel good/happy/calm_, we asked her to check in with this chart a couple of times a day and move her marker to what she felt like.

At the same time, we began talking about what helps her relax/calm down, and why it's important to calm down (we resolve conflicts with others better when we're calm, we can solve problems better when we're calm). We spent A LOT of time talking about our (parents') own feelings and how we coped: like, "oh, such and such happened today, and I felt pretty frustrated. I didn't know what to do right away, so I took a little break to relax, then I went back and [whatever]." We tried to just talk a lot, using lots of feelings words and making sure to discuss what we did to cope.

After awhile, when she was comfortable with the chart and willingly using it and we'd been doing all this for awhile, we began suggesting she "check in with her chart" when she started to seem tired or frustrated. We tried to catch it early, and focus mainly, at first, at reflective listening. Later we added on suggesting coping skills (either suggesting a specific coping/relaxing activity, suggesting she choose one, or asking her things like "what's one way you could solve this?").

When she got really angry/frustrated, we found that focusing on reflective listening first was really important. And literally, it seemed to help most to just use one word, with some feeling in the tone: "_Angry_ (pause) I hear you, you're _angry_." When our therapist first suggested the one word thing, I thought that was absurd and condescending and annoying. Dd loved it.

Also, we would go back when dd was calm, after she'd been acting out, and do the whole reflective listening/empathy (and really taking time with this to get at what her concerns were, because there's always a concern with a feeling) and then ask: what could you have done _differently_? Not "better," because that would feel critical to her and make her defensive, but "differently." And then we could brainstorm together.

There are two books you might like. _One is Raising A Thinking Preteen_ by Myrna Shure. The other is _What To Do When Your Temper Flares_.

I have found that, as hard as it is, it's really important to not take this behavior personally. And also, it may help to set aside time (15 or 20 minutes) a few times a week for some one-on-one time, following her lead, and making it very positive time (ending it if things start to go badly, so that it remains a positive time). This really helped us connect, and get our relationship back on a more positive track.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Have you considered the fact that she may be approaching adolescence much more quickly than you expected (or probably wanted?) To me, everything you describe would be considered "normal" (not pleasant, but normal) if she were 13 or 14. Have you seen other signs of puberty? Given that the average age of puberty is dropping, you may just be experiencing what its like to be at the "cutting edge".

Not that I know how to handle that or what it means you should do -- my oldest is only 8 and a boy, so I haven't "been there/done that" yet. But I'm wondering if you would get help in the teen forum?


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