# so horrible... i don't even deserve him...



## Synchroqueen (Nov 19, 2008)

OK, this is my first time posting here, although I have been subscribing to mothering for 2 years, and lurking around reading other postings.
My son (ds, is it?) will be 3 in january, he is still nursing at night, I liked to think that we practice attachment parenting, in all his life we have not spanked him, we use time-out's minimally, we try and be gentle and nurturing, and loving... but last weekend I threw it all away - the 3 years of nurturing, loving parenting that we have been striving for - and I hurt him.

We were at my sister's house last saturday for my niece's b-day and they are very close in age and tend to fight alot - she won't share, he gets rough, etc... and on top of that, there were a lot of family members there and he was SCREAMING at the top of his lungs because I would not give him cake before dinner. so... I lost it. I grabbed him by his upper arms and marched him into their office and sat him down roughly in my niece's "time-out chair", and left him there to scream.

He came out a few minutes later and was fine, red-eyed, but smiling and he was really good for the rest of the night...

BUT here is the worst, most horrible part... on monday, I took him to my mom's house (she watches him while I'm at work) and she called me after I dropped him off, she was crying, and asked if I had seen his arms... I said no, he hadn't had a bath since sat morning, and she said there were bruises on his arms - finger shaped bruises. I had left bruises on my baby's arms. I, literally, abused him. The allegedly AP, LLL, GD, BF mother that I have claimed to be... I am a fraud, and I cannot even live with myself right now.

What have I done? How, am I supposed to ever get back to being the mother that I thought I was (which, apparently I was deluding myself, because obviously, I am NOT that mother, and never was.)

He wasn't even being that bad... he is the best kid usually, the sweetest boy, so loving, and how could I do that to him? I read the posts here... you moms freak out at your kids and yell, or put them in a time-out... not physically abuse them.

I was not abused. Spanked yes, but my parents never left bruises on us. I can't even bear to call my self a mother right now... I feel like a fraud even picking up Dr. Sears from my bookshelf.... I am just so ashamed, and I'm sure there are better words but I can't think of them right now through my tears and jumbled thoughts....


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

I would like to think that our best moments make up for our worst ones.


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## debfsb (Aug 29, 2008)

oh, you poor dear. it will be okay.
it must be that he bruises easily?? even though you are devastated by this, it doesn't sound like it was as traumatic for him as for you.
hugs.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

You made a mistake...we all do, in one way or another. You are not an abuser! You didn't intentionally leave bruises on his arms and were horrified when you found out they were there. Abusers justify their abuse, you are broken-hearted over making a mistake. You are not a failure as a mother! Just because we are striving to be AP and GD doesn't mean we are always going to be perfect and not mess up. We live in a society that believes kids SHOULD be treated roughly and spanked and screamed horrible things at because we "own" them. The fact that you feel so sorry about this PROVES you are a WONDERFUL MOTHER who has a great deal of empathy for her son.


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

Oh, mama I am so sorry that you're going through this. I did the same thing to my dd about a year ago and I was absolutely devastated. I really felt that all the work I had done building her trust was undone in that moment. You need to forgive yourself and give yourself permission to be imperfect. You'll get through this and so will he.


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

You didn't mean to hurt him, mama, and you are not a fraud. Most children would not have been bruised by being lifted like that and you had no way of knowing that it would happen. Now you know that you have more force than you think you do, when you're upset. Being mindful of this is a good way to help yourself stick to the gentle way you want to do things. Please don't let it be a reason to get discouraged.

There's a reason why we need so much support from each other in order to stay on track. More mothers have been in your shoes than will ever admit it.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Does he always bruise that easily? Is he on any new meds or anything such as corticosteroids?


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I hurt for you reading your post. We've all done things we wish we could undo. Hopefully it is worse for us than for them.

On the up side, that is great that your mom was concerned. So often we hear how the older generation wants us to be more punitive and controlling with the kids. My mom watched my dd when I worked when she was little - it is so nice to have someone taking care of them who loves them so much while we are working.

Try to be as gentle to yourself as you try to be with him. You did NOT undo 3 years of gentle parenting and relationship building. You still have your connection with him, and that will get you BOTH through the rough spots!










Tracy


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## Synchroqueen (Nov 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Does he always bruise that easily? Is he on any new meds or anything such as corticosteroids?


no... he has had a few bruises and scratches here and there (mostly from torturing our dogs) and he is not on any medication. I just hurt him. I wish there was some other reason for it.

thanks everyone for the kind words. I really do appreciate it. I just want to make it up to him (not that he even remembers it) and most importantly, never get that angry again! I just remember my dad yelling at us when we were little and being so scared and I never EVER want him to be afraid of me. :-(


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I grabbed dd today - not hard enough to bruise her, but far too hard - and accidentally whacked her head on the arm of the couch. I was losing it, and the kids were being a handful, but not behaving really badly. I scared them. I scared myself. I said to myself for about two hours, "I don't deserve kids like this - and they don't deserve a mom like me". You know what? I _have_ to let that go. I can't parent at all if I'm constantly beating myself up and thinking how bad I am. I forgive dh when he makes mistakes, even bad ones. I forgive the kids when they make mistakes, even bad ones. I have to forgive myself, too. So do you. I just also have to remember that it was a mistake, and it's not okay.

Try to learn from it. Try to figure out what the triggers were that made you slip up. Walk away if you feel it building up again. _Don't_ tell yourself that 3 years of loving, attachment-oriented parenting is completely gone because of one mistake. I'm not being a very good mom in general right now - too tired, too drained, too easily frustrated, and _way_ too inclined to start screaming over every little thing. I'm working on that _every day_. If I write myself off, then my kids have no mom at all...and the same goes for you.

Give that little boy a hug, and remind yourself that this was _once_. That doesn't make it okay - but it does make it human.


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## Mama_Michelle (Mar 15, 2006)

:

I scared my DDs on Tuesday and still feel horrible for yelling like I did. We all make mistakes. I am really trying to move past mine and learn more about myself. You are definitely not a fraud...you sound like a wonderful, loving, caring mama that made a mistake.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Bless your heart. I am sure 99.9% of us have story in some way similar. Use it as a learning experience. Most importantly forgive youself. I am sure he already has.

Hugs.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

My first thought is that he bruises easily







:

That said, the first thing you need to do is apologize to your ds for making a mistake. Then work on why the mistake happened and what you can do to fix it.

Just as you'd do if your ds had lost it and hurt another child, look at the situation before you lost it, think about how you were feeling beforehand, identify the signs that will let you know in the future that you need to act to change the situation, and also the signs that you've let the situation get too far and you need to step back and calm down before you act.

Finally, decide if physically moving him to a time-out place is how you're going to respond to high pressure discipline situations. If it is, practice moving him gently--for instance scooping him up for a cuddle when he's squirmy (and then putting him down, and scooping up, and basically repeating until you see signs he's done with the game







). If it's not, practice whatever it's going to be.


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## angelachristin (Apr 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I grabbed dd today - not hard enough to bruise her, but far too hard - and accidentally whacked her head on the arm of the couch. I was losing it, and the kids were being a handful, but not behaving really badly. I scared them. I scared myself. I said to myself for about two hours, "I don't deserve kids like this - and they don't deserve a mom like me". You know what? I _have_ to let that go. I can't parent at all if I'm constantly beating myself up and thinking how bad I am. I forgive dh when he makes mistakes, even bad ones. I forgive the kids when they make mistakes, even bad ones. I have to forgive myself, too. So do you. I just also have to remember that it was a mistake, and it's not okay.

Try to learn from it. Try to figure out what the triggers were that made you slip up. Walk away if you feel it building up again. _Don't_ tell yourself that 3 years of loving, attachment-oriented parenting is completely gone because of one mistake. I'm not being a very good mom in general right now - too tired, too drained, too easily frustrated, and _way_ too inclined to start screaming over every little thing. I'm working on that _every day_. If I write myself off, then my kids have no mom at all...and the same goes for you.

Give that little boy a hug, and remind yourself that this was _once_. That doesn't make it okay - but it does make it human.

Beautifully said. We ALL make mistakes.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Just reiterating what the other mamas are saying. We have ALL made mistakes. We will make more. It's human. It's ok for your ds to learn that you made a mistake, that you are sorry and that you will do better next time, and that hurting people doesn't solve anything.

I definitely consider myself an Attached Parent, and I discipline gently. One day, a year ago, I was under EXTREME stress, trying to get my ds dressed because I HAD to take both my kids with me to my dr appointment, and my ds kicked me HARD right in my lactating boob. My immediate reaction was to swat him on the thigh. When I saw the red mark on his leg, I just about died. After my dr appointment I went to my husbands office and completely broke down. I still feel awful about it, but I guarantee my ds has completely forgotten about it, and not only has it not happened since, but I have made huge headway in dealing with my anger and reactive responses.

I agree that the guilt and feelings you have right now prove that you are not an abuser but a loving caring mama.

Remember to be gentle with yourself too, and learn from your mistakes. It's all we can do.


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## Sophienaz (Nov 5, 2008)

You poor thing, the same exact thing happened to me a month ago, I freaked out with my 2 year 8 month old, held him up in the air by his arms, shook him, then thew him on the bed. I burst into tears and he was howling and I freaked out. I went to work and cried for the whole day and found this forum. It made me feel so much better, everyone here is so nice and loving and non-judgemental.

But yes, the fact that you feel bad is a good sign. Real abusers I reckon dont' care and over justify what they did. So embrace feeling bad just a little because it means you are a good mom.

This was the first time I have ever ever hurt my son and it almost killed me.

There are plain and simple reasons, you are over-tired and cannot handle toddler behaviour as well as you could if you slept 10 hours per night. This happens.

This forum helped me enormously, but in terms of not repeating it again, I have a great suggestion. Go see a hypnotherapist, I did, 2 sessions, and I am a different person. I do not even get an inkling of anger when my boy plays up and I am so chilled and at peace and ridiculously calm. As a result of me being more calm, he is far better behaved, its jsut shocking. I explained to the hypnotherapist that I hurt my kid, I am so depressed, I hate myself, I hate my life, blah blah blah. After 2 sessions of intense relaxation and going into this trance thing, I am sorted. I feel fantastic actually. I am eating less, sleeping more (like on trains, buses, etc) so I am recharging even though my toddler doesn't let me sleep at night. I am so laid back I am practically horizontal.

You need to relax. And remember toddlers are very forgiving. You didn't mean it. And you need to find a natural way to calm down. Once you're calm, you can handle anything.

The only downer is that hypnotherapy can be costly, but when your sanity is in question, you need to spend the money. I put it on my credit card and forgot about it, my needs outweighed my cashflow situation.

Best of luck and keep checking out the posts on this site, I do everyday now, I love it and it makes me feel like I am not alone.

XXX


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## novaxmomof2 (Nov 3, 2008)

You are definitely NOT an abuser. In fact, you appear to be a very sensitive, loving mother who made a mistake just like we all do. You have definitely not undone the 3 years of attachment parenting by this one mistake. Children have an amazing ability to forgive and are very resilient. This doesn't mean that it is ok to yell at them or hit them; it just means that when we as moms get overwhelmed and lose it they will forgive us if we apologize and learn from our mistakes. I've had a horrible day (week actually) with my two boys and have been feeling very guilty for being a real grump today and raising my voice a bit too much. But before bed I read several books and cuddled with my 3.5 year old and let him know how much I love him. Parenting is the hardest job there is and it's even harder to do while we're stuck in the mire of past mistakes. I've learned this by being on this forum and reading the posts of so many wise mommies. So, I'm sending big hugs your way and I hope you realize that you are one of the good ones (mommies that is)!


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## soccermama (Jul 2, 2008)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but I know how you must feel as I've done something similar to my DS who is the same age as your DS. I felt awful, sick to my stomach, and to read your post has brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly how you feel. We all try to be the perfect mother, to do the right things for our kids, practice whatever discipline style that we've chosen, and the pressure can certainly build up and we make mistakes - eventhough we're mamas, we're still human and we need to understand that.


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## Synchroqueen (Nov 19, 2008)

wow thanks to everyone! all of you mamas make me feel a lot better. NOT ok with what I did, but at least able to see ways to stop it from happening again. I think I really need to sit down with the hubby and figure out which behaviors really bother us, and why he is doing them, and how we can correct them - gently!

offhand, I can think of a few: the screaming when I tell him that he can't have candy, going through my purse looking for candy (my fault - but now I don't keep any in there, HA!), being rough with the dogs, being rough with my niece when she won't share.

whew... it makes me feel better to just isolate these things and think of them in a calm way rahter then when he is doing them and i get so upset...

thanks mamas! i feel so lucky to have found this great group of women to learn from!


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## Mom'n it (Nov 3, 2005)




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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

First off, I'm so glad I found this. DS and I had a very difficult night and I completely lost it. Anyways, its good to hear I'm not alone. The suggestion for hypnotherapy is great.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sophienaz* 

The only downer is that hypnotherapy can be costly, but when your sanity is in question, you need to spend the money. I put it on my credit card and forgot about it, my needs outweighed my cashflow situation.

XXX

A cheaper way to go is to try CD's if you can't afford a treatment. I love Barry Konicov's CD's, I'm going to order the one for anger management today. Thank you!!!

http://www.potentialsunlimited.com/d...-cds.cfm?id=86


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## grantskismom+1 (Mar 8, 2008)

Everyone has said what I would say but I wanted to add one thing.

I screw up more than I like to admit. We all go through phases where we aren't at our best. Recently I've even totally questioned the way I parented due to outside pressure and spanked my child. I instantly hated myself for all of it. It felt so wrong. I sat down with my son after each instance where I yelled, spanked or just plain lost my cool and talked about. I hugged my son and told him that I was sorry. I explained to him that what mommy did was wrong and there was no excuse for my behavior. He'd hug me back and it would all be over.

Here recently whenever my son yells at me or does something he's not supposed to do....like all kids do.....he apologizes to me. After he's gotten control of his emotions he comes to me calmly and tells me that he's sorry. I scoop him up and give him a big hug and tell him that I love him, I forgive him and always will.

I realized that even when I screw up, if I do the right thing and own up to my mistakes I'm teaching him to do the same. After all, our lives are full of mistakes. We can't prevent ourselves from making them but we can own up to them and deal with them in a loving manner.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

This happened in a moment of anger, perhaps your own stress levels are too high. The important thing to remember, this happened with your DS having a firm foundation in the gentle way he's been parented up to and past this incident. He was stronger for it and now you will be a more mindful parent in light of it as well.

HUGS, I think the best you can do is learn from it. I've had moments like these too and have had to move on and be conscious of every word and look, and of my own emotions before I react to something DD has done.


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## Deir (Aug 19, 2005)

Stop this right now!!! You are not an abuser. You made a mistake. It is not fair to treat yourself this way. It will be ok. ((((((hug))))))))


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

The first step towards healing is admitting that you made a mistake, forgiving yourself, and moving on. Let this be the jumping off point for creating a whole new way of looking at yourself and your relationship with your son. I think focusing on whether or not this was abuse is a red herring. The point is, this mama wants to change and prevent it from happening in the future, whatever it was. The advice here is great! I am taking notes myself.

I would start with the simple questions about your trigger points. Who really cares if he gets a piece of cake before dinner? Do you feel tense around these inlaws? That sort of thing. Then make a plan for when you might lose your cool and implement it. Even if your plan is to claim sudden illness and jumping in the car and driving away with your kid away from the stressful situation. Then when those feelings come up, you know what to do, you have already planned it, and you can circumvent. From there, you can work on digging into your past and figuring out what's really going on.

It's going to be OK, and you can find a safe and peaceful solution that protects your heart.


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm so glad you posted here. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Raising kids is HARD work and anger-inducing situations will come up.

One of the most important things that has been helping me has been reminding myself that DD has to figure out how to express her feelings and how to determine what her guidelines for life are. She's not enjoying those moments when she's being difficult more than I am. My job is to stay calm and help her navigate her way out of her disagreeable behavior.

Someone on here recommended this site to me: www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove I've signed up to receive the daily emails. They offer gentle reminders and thoughts on parenting that help you focus on how to keep up that good parenting even when you're having a rough day.

You haven't ruined all those months of trust you have built up! Just try to use this experience so that you better understand your own triggers and figure out ways to defuse that.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hokulele* 
She's not enjoying those moments when she's being difficult more than I am. My job is to stay calm and help her navigate her way out of her disagreeable behavior.

This totally strikes a chord with me. DD is very intense and sometimes just absolutely flips out - flat on her back, screaming and flailing her arms and legs in the air and screaming/crying. I get so frustrated by it and find myself wishing she'd "act her age" (5). But, the bottom line is that this is where she's at. That's the only way she knows how to process her intense feelings when she gets to that point, and it's up to me to help her find a way through...not make her feel worse.


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## LittleBlessings (May 26, 2008)

We all make mistakes. Please don't beat yourself up over this


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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

Oooh, you poor thing.









You are not an abuser! You are human. Big difference. Huge.







:


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## tjlucca (Jun 16, 2008)

I have had days like these. I have grabbed DD to hard and yelled to loud. I understand the feeling of not deserving your own children. You are a good mother. Your are hear bearing your soul to others like you in search of a way to to better. Here are a couple of ideas that I have been working with myself. For me, it's key to realize what is going on internally before I get to the point of loosing it.

1) recognizing what triggers my anger (For me it's feeling like I am being manipulated or ignored).

2) Understand where my stress level is at BEFORE I get in to it with DD.

3) Cortisol is the stress hormone that the body releases after Adrenaline. Cortisol causes negative thoughts, feeling, exhaustion, depression, etc. The supplement Glutimine (it's a digestive enzyme that occurs naturally in the body) works the break down cortisol very quickly. I have found that in times of stress that this can help me to not stay "in that place" with my frustration or what ever I am feeling.

4) Remember to connect each day. Taking time to do a puzzle or blocks or some activity totally for DD every day lets her know that I love her and that I am there for her. She feels more connected to me and cooperates more easily and joyfully with me.

We get so busy, I forget to take time to connect. All of my adult tasks make it easy to brush aside sitting with DD looking at her and really connecting. When I do this, she works hard to try and please me-not wanting to lose the connection.

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your experience Mama. Be Well.


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## tessa67 (Jul 27, 2007)

Oh my gosh, poor mama. The fact that you are completely devastated over this is proof that you ARE a great Mom.


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