# Someone give me advice before I lose my mind! Help!



## sweetangelbrynlie (Jun 23, 2005)

My kids are out of control, I just can't handle them by myself anymore. I can't even go out in public with my 3 year old son, no way I would even try.

My 6 year old DD mouths off, and put her hands on my shoulders and trys to shake me when I won't tell her where something is. Like just a few minutes ago she came to me and said

"where is my purple purse?"

I said I have no idea, maybe you should rethink where you took it in the house and then go around looking for it

She gives me a death look and puts her hands on my shoulders and screams in my face "WHERE IS MY PURPLE PURSE"

I honestly have no idea where it was, her room hasn't been touched.

Then she says under her breath "oh I remember where it is"

And then she found it, walking with it to her room she gave me another death look.

My 3 year old son is OUT OF CONTROL! This child is honestly over the top. He climbs out of his carseat and unbuckles the straps, he hits me, pinches me, trys to hurt our baby (2 months), he comes up behind me with toys to hit me in the back of the head, has never EVER listened to one word either my dh or I say. He runs from us in stores, and at docs office he heads straight out the door and runs laughing the entire time, Im so afraid he is going to get away from me and run into traffic.

My 6 and 3 year old fight like cats and dogs, they fight to HARM each other. Pushing each other down, hitting each other with toys, throwing things at each other.

I feel so out of control. Sometimes I cry my eyes out. They are so out of control and I feel powerless like there is nothing I can do about it. I cry at bedtime because I feel helpless with them and Im sure their picking up on it and taken advantage of it.

Please please PULEASE give me advice, tell me what I can do. Right now, I don't do much of anything. I don't spank and have never been consistent with getting either of them to stay in time out. They disrespect me and my Dh. We never do that to them, they have been spoiled and coddled and I feel guilty for letting it get this bad.

HELP!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

That sounds really tough. I think I would sit them down individually when they're calm and discuss these things. Discuss how they like to be talked to and that it hurts people's feelings when they are mean. See if they can "get it" when they're not in a melt down and go from there.

good luck!

-Angela


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetangelbrynlie*
Like just a few minutes ago she came to me and said

"where is my purple purse?"

I said I have no idea, maybe you should rethink where you took it in the house and then go around looking for it

She gives me a death look and puts her hands on my shoulders and screams in my face "WHERE IS MY PURPLE PURSE"

I honestly have no idea where it was, her room hasn't been touched.

Then she says under her breath "oh I remember where it is"

I don't have kids this age, but have you tried ignoring stuff like this? For example, if she screams in your face, I would just ignore it. If she grabs you and tries to shake you, I would make eye contact and say gently but firmly, "You may not shake me." and then remove myself to another room.

How verbal is your three year old? Does he listen to explanations?


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Ok mama, Take a DEEP Breath (and remember how you will be doing it often) and repeat to yourself "I CAN do this".
Right now it sounds like you are barely in survival mode, and this is a very NORMAL place to be right after having a baby.
The kids know nothign is expected of them right now because mom has been in no position to enforce any rules for the past several months.
In fact their behavior can almost be seen as a call for help "I need your guidance and consistency because I feel a bit out of control".
I would start with a family meeting and lay some basic ground rules, just a few biggies and work on those things first. Dont try to tackle all behavior problems at once because it will be too overwhelming.
Let them know that you are there for them and you are ready to take charge, and also let them know what to expect.
It will be harder at first and you will want to give up and not respond to these issues. But if you stick with it and respond consistently it will help.

As for your 3 year old's dangerous behavior. Is there any way to get him a different carseat? some of the toddler carseats have buckles that are kinda hard to figure (on purpose so the kids cant do it).
I would also put him in a harness. You dont have to walk around wiht him dragging at it like a leash. But somethign to hold on to when he tries to bolt will really save your sanity and keep him safe. It can even be his choice i na way. "Mommy knows you like to run away so today I need you to wear your special vest to keep safe. When you are ready to stand by mommy without running away you wont need to wear this vest any more."

It is your choice what to do when your children do behave violently. Sending them to time-out does not work as you say. But holding your ds in your lap and holding his hands so he cannot harm you reminding him gently to calm down and stop hitting. Time out for a 3 year old who wont stay in a chair can be in his bedroom with the door closed (with you on the other side at first) or a gate put up (but your ds probably isnt stopped by gates at his age/energy level).

You are tired and you have just had a baby. YOu can help them bring themselves under control but it will take a lot of energy for a couple of weeks.
Good Luck

p.s. I didnt talk about one on one time etc. . . not because it isnt a part of the equation but because it is a given, and I am sure you will get a lot of advice on those things on this thread.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

I know exactly what you are going through as far as your kids. My kids are almost the same ages as yours.

Let me tell you what my naturopathic doctor said to me. (by the way this happened about 9 months ago) My daughter (the eldest) was very violent and agressive. I also was suffering still from post partum depression.

I just want to let you know some of my background. I never hit my kids - ever. I am not really strict with a schedule. I never have been. We eat organic and try to eat as many fresh whole foods as we can.

My ND said that when kids act up like this it is because they need something. She said that I should try to set a specific bedtime and stick with it. She also said that nutrition can be a huge cause of behavioral problems, even in healthy eating families. When your child doesn't eat the healthy things you put in front of them, then that can really be an issue. We eat organic, and we eat lots of fruits and veggies, however my children would leave the veggies on the plate and not eat them.







So, I put my children on a multi-vitamin. However, my ND said that my kids didn't have a vitamin defieciency, that they had a whole foods defieciency. She recomended that we all start taking a supplement called Juice Plus and that multi-vitamins can actually cause more harm than good.

Anyhow, we started the juice plus and I began to try to be really consistant about bed time - that's it. Slowely it began to get better and now I feel that my children do not have the behavioral issuses that they had before.

Anyhow, I really think that Juice Plus could help you and your children. I found that I had more energy to deal with what ever arose and my depression that I have struggled with for years is pretty much gone. I don't want to say that Juice plus is a cure, but I really feel like it helped me and I feel like it could help you too. Here is a web site with some research and info on it.research and info Oh yeah, my oldest is getting her Juice plus for free through their childrens research study and could get it free for another two years.

Good luck.


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## Momma Aimee (Jul 8, 2003)

I do not have kids that age -- though i have worked with them --

here are a few suggestions:

1. you and Dh need to agree before hand and present a untied front.

2. you need to decide how you will handle thing -- lost of privilage, time out, extra chore, star chart, whatever works for your parenting style, time, pholophy and so on. and decide on a reward for improvement.

3. brainstorm with Dh what might be the issues -- not enough time with mom, iratic schdule, etc and a few simply, but noticable changes. what are fundemental changes you can make, and what are the details to come later? What can you change on your own, without the kids -- ie more veggie snacks, things you alone control....

4. family meeting. short and basic.
"ajusting to the new baby has been hard on all of us. things are not going the way we want around here and we all know that each of us has things we are unahppy with"
"so we are going to work as a family to make things more happy and peacful around here. Dad and I have some things to go over with you, but first what would you like to see change and what suggestions do you have"
give them each a minute or two to make suggestions, write them down, and assure them you and dad will talk about them and see how you can meet thoese needs. the things might be silly, or they might actually tell you something.
then say here is the new deal " the routine here is going to change, we are all going to bed each night at 8. Saturdays Dad will stay with the baby while Mom spends an hour with each of you alone. And we have some new rules and new consequences to go along with them. ...." from there you list 2 or 3 easy rules "no viloent behavior -- or only gentel touches in this house" and expalin what is going to be ther effect 'if you forget gentel hands once dad and i will remind you, after that you loose ten minutes of outside play time" or "as long as you can stay in your car seat and be safe you can have X int he car, if you unblucke mommy will take X and you will have to eran it back by staying in your seat a whole song on the raido" or wahtever.
I would suggest 2 or 3 rules; maybe one that applies to the problems of each and one general one -- " you will help mommy put toys away before bed, if mommy has to pick them up alone, she will put them in her closet till the next day when you earn them backl"
end with a positive thing, a family goal -- a all day saturday trip to the park wiht a picnic or whatever -- and expalin that once the family is more peacful and working together better this activity will happen.

Give it a week -- a week of you having to be on top of it constantly -- consistently -- you have to respnd every time, the same way, for a while before it will "click". it won't be easy, but you have to be consistent -- if you slip once the kids will know you can be gotten...

talk with DH about the things the kids brought up and see if it is something you can change "i don't like being rushed in the morning" "or i don't like mom holding the baby when she reads my bedtime story".....if tehre is any way to ajust things to address what they say -- do it -- it would likely help their behavior..........

then have another meeting. ask the kids how they feel things are going. re-discuss the rules and effects. Discuss the goal event again -- and ask the kids how they think you will know when the family is ready. Ownership of the family, the goal and the problems and the rules.

As things imporve, the big things, you can make other changes. different diet, more set meal time, no tv after dinner and only quiet toys, and so on.....

the idea is know where you want the family to be, and to set out ona series of steps to get there..... as you master each step, you can move on.....

and so on

rinse and repeat as they say --

you will get there little by little; you can add new "rules" or change the effects, they kids can help you plan the goal and help you assess when the family is reaching the gaol.....

Good luck..........

Aime


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I do have kids that were once that age (my oldest 2 are 15 & 18). I don't recall them ever touching me in that way while simultaneously taking to me in the way you describe either (I would remember it, because such behavior would enrage me, and I can sympathize with you!).

When my kids have spoken to me in a way which is disrespectful, I tell them I simply cannot have a conversation with anyone that talks to me that way. For instance, my oldest can be quite demanding and in the not so distant past would give me an attitude if I dint do what she wanted and when. Time and time again, until they got it, i would repeat "I simply cannot listen nor talk to you when you talk to me that way. Your 6 yr old is old enough to understand it. So tell her. My youngest got upset because he couldn't find his gameboy. I mean really upset. And he let me have it. I said the same thing to him: DS, I wont talk to you when you talk to me that way.

My youngest was also impossible in public at the age of three, but he did get better and is now fine. We can go to decent restaurants, to the mall, to Target, etc.

Gentle Discipline does not mean mom and dad get railroaded and treated like crap. Yes, we need to respect our children for the people they are, but we also have a right to expect the same. Setting limits and boundaries, and picking your battles well will get you far.


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## sweetangelbrynlie (Jun 23, 2005)

Thank you everyone for such great advice. Im still trying my best, it's not working.


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## Peepsqueak (Jul 5, 2005)

Sounds like the zoo I've got....

Here are things I have tried:

1. Separate the two of them during the day. The 3 yo should have a nap time.

2. Spend time separately with each if you can....there can be sibling jealousy. The girl, especially because she may need one on one attention. Do a project with each one that is their own special project.

3. Three year olds do not reason yet, so motivation with soft toys and treats can help. Promise an ice cream trip if both of them are nice for the day.

4. Carseats are a pain....incentive to sit in them is to give them a toy they like to play with (i.e. the 3 yo) that he only gets to play with in his carseat.

5. Have an activity schedule. Playground time to get rid of excess energy for at least 2 hours if you can spare a day (maybe am and pm times, etc.)

6. Eliminate sugar and processed foods from the diet.

7. Schedule a bedtime that is early. The earlier the more sanity you have....make sure they get up in the morning and start a good routine.

This will take about a week to redirect them, but it will help. If dh or some is available they should give you a break from them too.


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## Mar1 (Oct 12, 2015)

Just wanted to send you a *hug* - hope it gets better for you and your children...


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Lots of great advice here already. I agree on trying to ignore.


My kids can be terrible little people :lol kidding, but they can be downright irritating sometimes. I think my soon to be 6yo may have wandered into your house 


Honestly, when they're in a mood, being terrible, whatever, I talk to them like adults, I don't try to overly-reason with them, but I bluntly point things out to them in an obvious way that they can understand. Also natural consequences.


Example from this morning.


My almost 8yo got cheese sticks out of the fridge for a before school snack (they get breakfast in school). She opens the cheese stick partially for almost 6yo. 6yo flipped out and started raging and crying and screaming. This situation took time to figure out, and I wasn't able to pack their lunches (they are able to get school lunch, but they prefer home lunch). Walking out the door 6yo picks up her backpack and it feels light, so she screams about how she wanted a home lunch. Rage. Tears, etc. The situation was defused by an explanation of her reaction to the cheese incident causing us to have to take more time out of the morning to calm her down, and we didn't have enough time to make lunch. She understood.


She also didn't get enough sleep last night. Enough sleep is a big one with us, too.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

This thread is 10 years old! But I think the issue is still worth discussing. I have an angle on one of the specific examples:


> "where is my purple purse?"
> 
> I said I have no idea, maybe you should rethink where you took it in the house and then go around looking for it
> 
> ...


I've noticed time and again that when my son says he can't find something, shortly after he says so he tends to find it. Even more strikingly, when he says he can't do something (like open a package), the moment he says so he gets it! So when I first noticed this, I pointed it out to him, and we kind of laughed over it. After that, when he was seeking my help in a totally inappropriate way (for example, bursting in while I was showering to yell, "You have to find my fire truck NOW!!"), I would gently remind him, "When you tell me you can't, usually you find that you can." and typically within one minute he would have found it, opened it, etc. The times that he didn't/couldn't, his trying again at least gave me a moment to get ready to help.

It seems that he needs to ask when he's overwhelmed by the feeling of being unable to do it. I can relate to this; when I have been struggling a long time with a complex challenge, often the moment after I have emailed a colleague "could you take a look at my code" or whatever, before I get a response I'm suddenly inspired with a new strategy I haven't tried. Maybe releasing the "I can't" feeling helps the brain regroup?

I also find that "maybe you should" responses make my son ballistic when he's already frustrated, and that this is a feeling I sometimes have too. It's easy for something like that to sound condescending, especially when you are frustrated yourself or just tired. It might be more effective to phrase it like, "When I lose something, I think about where I was last time I had it, and then I look for it there."

After the problem is solved, if you still have hurt feelings about the way the kid spoke to you, try the formula, "You wanted X, so you did Y. You may not do Y. Instead, when you want X, do Z." In this example: "When you wanted to find your purse, you grabbed my shoulders and screamed in my face. That hurt my feelings, and it didn't help me think. Next time you are looking for something, please ask in a nice voice without touching, like this: (fold hands) 'Mama, could you please help find my purple purse?'"


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