# "What happens in this house, stays in this house"



## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

A mom IRL approached me about her 9 y/o dd's ped visit. My friend was surprised when the ped started asking her dd about "how mommy and daddy dealt with discipline and what do they do when she does something wrong...?" My friend was in the office, so she interrupted the ped, saying, "Oh, Dr. So and So, that sounds like parenting issues! While we appreciate all of your medical advice, we don't need to discuss parenting ideas..." or whatever. After the visit, she spoke to her dd about keeping things private and how you don't share family things.

My friend went on to say that in discussing this with some other mothers in our hs group, a mom shared that she has a very strict policy in their home and has taught her boys that "what happens in our house, stays in our house". I like both moms very much, and the mom with the boys I mentioned has great kids, dad is a little bit strict. I should add, the first mom is very "ap", extended nursing, cosleeping, GD (as far as I can tell). I don't think she is hiding spanking or anything.

I never thought much about this before, but have been thinking about it a lot snce the conversation. I have never told the kids anything like this, and I guess I have mixed feelings about it. Some history, I grew up in an alcoholic family. My mom drank when I was very young, and was in and out of recovery in my teen years. So, the whole issue of family secrets has a negative conotation to me...it seems isolating and deceptive. It also seems potentially dangerous...at least it felt that way to me as a kid. I wish more had been done when I was little and often resented feeling secretive, often ashamed. I don't want to have family secrets or be afraid to be open.

I am really just trying to sort this out and wondering how other families view this? Thanks for reading!


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Our ped has asked similar questions and I guess I kind of expect it. The ped is probably just trying to make sure everything is fine at home. I don't see what the problem is. Seems a little odd that the parent doesn't want the child to discuss discipline. I think that would make the ped wondered if something was going on.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

My folks had the same thing, that what happened in their house was not to be shared elsewhere.










Nothing happened in their house. If you're seeing this issue through the gentle discipline/abuse prism, that's how I'm responding to it. So my parents weren't AP but were totally decent, gentle parents ...

So I guess I always thought it meant that we weren't to spread our family's personal business around, like talking about if mom was getting fired, or dad was going back to night school or or or or ...

IYKWIM.










Otherwise your kids will talk a lot about you and your personal stuff. Really. A lot.

Does that matter to you?

Not sure if it does to me, and we haven't had a rule like that till now ...

In re the pediatrician asking those questions, well, I don't see it as out of line, but do find it odd if the ped hadn't asked such things before. Maybe there's some new edict from the insurance companies that doctors must do this? Or something like that?


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Thanks Amy and Houdini.

I don't really have an issue with the ped in this case. When dd was old enough to answer some of her own questions, the ped asked about "what she rides on in the car?", etc., but it related to safety. I love our ped, so I didn't think anything of it. I catually respected my friend for thinking so quick on her feet, when she got uncomfortable. We speculated it may be in relation to hsing? The ped's radar is up for that reason.

Amy, that is what I was thinking...is this a rule that many families have, and I just missed it?







One time in knitting class, dd shared with her whole class how thick and awful my pea soup was...her friends mom (the mom of the boys I mentioned!) told me about it later. I was a little miffed with dd, so maybe the rule could apply to how I cook?

Like said, when I first talked to my friend about this, I was conflicted and it resonated as "unhealthy"....though, honestly, at the same time, I realized I may be misinterpreting because of my own issue with 'family secrets'. We have many family traditions and perhaps teaching children about family "boundaries" is like an extension of that?? See, I am still sorting this out









Thanks for your help


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## Rainbow (Nov 19, 2001)

I hope my kids are very open about such things. I want the world to see that GD and kindness to children and even *gasp* permissiveness works. We had a similar rule in my house as a child, and it was essentially to hide abuse. I won't ever put that burden on my kids- I want them to share whatever they feel comfortable sharing without having to look over their shoulder and wonder if it will make Mommy mad.


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## mama ganoush (Jul 8, 2004)

i, for one, wish that my childhood ped. would have asked such questions. without my mom present. though like most abused children, i probably would have kept my mom's secrets.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

My mother would say that....she wasn't hiding abuse, but *everything* embarasses her. She wants the world to think we (and she) are perfect, and wouldn't want our imperfections getting around.

All in all, the message bothered me as a teen. It made me feel shameful--as if being merely human was unacceptable. I will definitely avoid this phrase with dd. Regarding things like the pea soup, I feel it is more appropriate to talk aobut how that specific comment hurt your feelings. Not that mom's cooking is off-limits for conversation.


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## wasabi (Oct 12, 2004)

I get the idea that we don't share personal stuff with everyone. I think that's a good rule as someone else said Dd doesn't need to tell everyone that Daddy lost his job or that Mommy got mad at Daddy when he said her butt was big. But yeah I also get a weird feeling on the issue that "anything" that happens at home should stay at home including things like GD. I just think that's odd and must put a lot of pressure on the child and like to cause issue if say your child starts to talk about something and then suddenly remembers they're not supposed to talk about home stuff and stops talking. The teacher asks what's wrong and your child says they're not supposed to talk about what happens at home. Man that just sounds like something begging for a CPS call. I understand not wanting to discuss parenting issues with your ped but why put it on your child? Why not just flat out say to the ped sorry we're only hear for medical issues not parenting issues? I think we had this sort of rule growing up though it wasn't explictly stated. I would never have talked to anyone about the kind of discipling my parents did and yeah it bordered on abuse so maybe that's why it's a bit of a weird subject for me.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I wouldn't say this was a "rule" in our house, but it was definitely understood. Nothing bad was happening, but my parents were very alternative in their views and my sister and I always just kind of knew to keep our mouths shut about things because most people had weird reactions to them.

Dh and I also make some decisions that would not be viewed positively by the mainstream community, and while they aren't anything bad, talking about it to just anybody could cause unnecessary problems. I'm not sure how or if I will address this with the kids as they get older. But I don't think it's necessarily a problem for some families to have that rule.


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## wasabi (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
My mother would say that....she wasn't hiding abuse, but *everything* embarasses her. She wants the world to think we (and she) are perfect, and wouldn't want our imperfections getting around.

All in all, the message bothered me as a teen. It made me feel shameful--as if being merely human was unacceptable. I will definitely avoid this phrase with dd. Regarding things like the pea soup, I feel it is more appropriate to talk aobut how that specific comment hurt your feelings. Not that mom's cooking is off-limits for conversation.

Yes your post does a good job of describing what I was floudering around trying to explain.


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## meco (Mar 1, 2004)

I agree with Rainbow. I want my kids to talk about things, to be open with people. I do not want them to think just because it happens in my house, it is a secret.

I never had a rule like that growing up--ever. With 5 kids (and at different points, a relative like my grandmother), I imagine my parents rarely knew what was going on entirely :LOL We were encouraged to discuss our feelings at home. With close adult friends and the doctor. And I often did. My parents were receptive to our feelings on how the home ran, how they disciplined, how they dealt with the other kids (I often stuck up for my younger siblings), etc. They listened to us and made appropriate changes.

I also knew to go to my parents with any parenting issues I had first rather than talk about them to others. And I never went and blabbed my personal life to every person I met. I knew that they would listen. I knew they would understand. My parents were often the go to parents for help (like if someone was in trouble and needed help, when my friend got pregnant and felt could not tell her parents, etc). They were willing to help out no matter what.

While there are parts of my life I would like to remain private, I would not be horrified if they did not. I do not do or say anything I would be embarassed by the whole world knowing. But I also will encourage my child to come to me first before voicing concerns to others. So that we may work the problem out and make them feel comfortable/happy/whatever again.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

I also knew to go to my parents with any parenting issues I had first rather than talk about them to others. And I never went and blabbed my personal life to every person I met. I knew that they would listen. I knew they would understand. My parents were often the go to parents for help (like if someone was in trouble and needed help, when my friend got pregnant and felt could not tell her parents, etc). They were willing to help out no matter what.
This is how it was in our house too. So maybe that's why I never talked about our home life to others too much, because I always went to my parents first. I never really thought about it!


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## Oh the Irony (Dec 14, 2003)

that attitude scares me mom4tot. i am concerned about how it affects the kids.

if the only people they discuss family issues with are their own family i think they grow up not being able articulate their concerns well. if stuff is secret then it does lead to shame. they miss out on the richness of interaction with others if they cannot share their true thoughts and feelings.

some of it is a fear of "what people might think". not good. i can directly trace my frantic housecleaning before having company to this parenting attitude.


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

Yep,
we had that growing up. Our business ir OUR business. Otherwise i'd tell all my mamas business. I have told my son not to tell everyone our family business. He talks ALOT. Peopel don't need to knwo about every fight Dh and I have. About me walking around naked from teh bathroom, about DH sleeping nude.Kids talk ALOT. I definitly want it understood that there are things people outside our hoem just don't need to know, espcially embaressing stuff.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama*
All in all, the message bothered me as a teen. It made me feel shameful--as if being merely human was unacceptable. I will definitely avoid this phrase with dd. Regarding things like the pea soup, I feel it is more appropriate to talk aobut how that specific comment hurt your feelings. Not that mom's cooking is off-limits for conversation.

This really articulates how I feel about this matter. Kids do talk a lot, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong for them to talk a lot. Eventually they will learn through example about what is appropriate when. They will learn social norms, but I don't feel like we need to push them towards them. I personally would rather kids just be themselves even if that means that things I might be embarrassed about come to light at inappropriate times. I think in general people understand that kids are kids and if I have to quickly explain our at-home, non-mainstream practices so that people don't give me strange looks, then so be it.


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## mommyofshmoo (Oct 25, 2004)

Interesting thread.

As an extrovert, I find it very stressful to keep secrets. I would think an extroverted kid would feel the same way.

I think it would be tough if an extroverted kid had intoverted parents for this reason.

Also, I think that blanket statements about not talking about "anything" are hard on kids. It's like- "dude! Take the time to explain to your children what exactly is OK to mention to others and what is not."

It's a tough subject though.

I have to say that I have a bear of a time keeping "secrets," but I learned early on that some things can be discussed and others not.

You can't blame a 3 year old for saying whatever, but a 8 or 9 year old should have an idea about what is and is not appropraite to share.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

We've basically had the rule...well, it's not a rule but whatever... that personal family business isn't to be shared around, but I dont think my ped asking about discipline falls into that category really. Discussing mom's health problems in detail, and how Dad argued with his brother last week are the kinds of things we generally keep private.

My son's ped once asked (as they often do know I guess?) if we had any guns in the home, if the kids wore helmets and pads when bike riding and skateboarding, what time they usually went to bed, etc. I was suprised at the questions but not really ticked off or anything. We answered them... and then he was the one who was suprised


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama ganoush*
i, for one, wish that my childhood ped. would have asked such questions. without my mom present. though like most abused children, i probably would have kept my mom's secrets.

Yeah. Though also, as a little kid, I didn't know that it wasn't normal for people's moms to act like that. Also, as a little kid, I knew that my mom wasn't punishing me for what I did wrong, but losing her temper and taking out on me whatever was going wrong with her. So all in all, I wouldn't have been able to accurately answer the question.

When I was slightly older, maybe 11 or 12, my mom, in the heat of one of her angry spells, yelled something at me like, "You are so crazy, we should take you to a SHRINK!" I yelled back, "Good! Take me to a shrink so I can tell them how you treat me!" Shocked silence.

I'd rather be able to say to my child, "Please let's not tell anyone outside of the family about my losing my job" than have a blanket rule like "what happens in this house, stays in this house." I would rather take my chances that my ds won't like my soup and would tell people that, than have him raised with a big gap between inside and outside behavior.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meco*
We were encouraged to discuss our feelings at home. With close adult friends and the doctor. And I often did.

Yes, I want to encourage this, as well. I hope that dd can always come to me....but if she does not, then I want her to be able to talk to *someone* she trusts, kwim?

I am sure there will be things that I do not want dd to share, and I guess we will handle those things seperately. For now, I just don't do/say things in front of dd that I don't want blabbed to the world, lol.

A parent losing a job keeps coming up--but I hope that this is not necessarily shameful! Seems that the secret-keeping would increase the shame factor, kwim? Seems that a parent who loses a job has enough pressure and worry without adding shame on top









This discussion reminds me of a TV commercial that I used to see (not sure if it runs anymore, cause I watch little now) for Chewy Granola bars. Anyone remember that one? It showed kids saying *really* embarrassing things about mom and dad, and recommended their Chewy granola bars to keep them chewing more and talking less :LOL


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Thanks, everyone for the input. I am seeing that my initial reaction of, "why would you need such a rule?" wasn't so far off. Personally, I would like what happens in our family to stand up to the light of day. Nobody is perfect, however, and I can see whay some families might want to keep certain things private (health issues or perhaps recent extended family turmoil or something). I used the soup example as a "ha ha"...I certainly wouldn't say, "Don't talk about my cooking!" :LOL The kids are very cute at knitting and







the whole time...I never worried about it









My friend that initially brought it up is concerned with appearances, I can say that having known them for 5 years. I certainly hope my kids feel a sense of trust and can come to us. Both dh and I talk about our feelings and try to help the kids share theirs.

wolfmama~ I agree that one of the reasons I was uncomfortable with this is because of the pressure on the kids..."what can I say, what can't I?" My children have seemed to pick up on this instinctively...they are pretty sensitive. Dd is of the age where she doesn't like to be embaressed, so she probably takes some cues from that.

I think for me, a little embaressment for myself is better than such blanket statements, it just feels more comfortable.


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

I especially appreciate the point about extrovert vs. introvert because I am *way* more introverted than Ds (or DH for that matter). Ds is, well, 6







and DH has that ADD characteristic of talking about (almost) anything to (almost) anyone, so he's having this chat that *I* would only have with a good friend, only he's having it with the total stranger at the cash register and I'm just dying of mortification because _who does that??_ :LOL

Yet I must have been more extroverted than my own mom, at least as a kid, because I remember her being, like a PP said "embarassed about everything". Well, not embarassed, exactly, but her family was 1st-gen German and apparently it's cultural that Germans are really private, reserved people. You never talk about personal things so other people can overhear you (even if it's personal in the sense of the new jeans you bought yesterday kwim?) because "other people don't need to know your business". Gourd forbid anyone should overhear you *argue*







That was just not the kind of thing decent people did -- having loud conversations, audible arguments, talking about finances or family tiffs outside the family were for tacky low-class types.

So there's yet another element to consider -- different families will have different ideas about what's "personal" and in some of them "personal" will encompass, well, almost everything. Mind, my mother was also abusive, so she had a vested interest in sticking to her family's protocol, but it extended to *all* elements and not just ones that would camouflage abuse.

I've been known to have little chats with Ds about things we don't discuss outside our family, but it's on a case-by-case basis & I emphasize "privacy" not "secrecy" -- I explain that some people are really uptight about xyz, and I don't for the life of me know why but it can cause them to get upset, so we just talk about it with people we know real well.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *girlndocs*
Gourd forbid anyone should overhear you *argue*







That was just not the kind of thing decent people did .

Do we have the same mother? :LOL


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Note to self, refuse soup at Joan's house!!

I don't really have anything useful to add, but I grew up with the don't tell rule, and the abuse, so I guess they can go hand in hand.

But I wouldn't stop the dr. asking.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

IM~ ha ha ha :LOL My pea soup is delicious! It was just a little 'thick'...dh asked if we were mortaring the house after dinner...









I was curious that my friend did this (interrupted the doctor). Makes me want to know what her dd may have said


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## chickiepickie (Nov 6, 2004)

I just have to add my 3 cents. Some of the posters indicated a negative feeling toward being private. When I was a kid, my dad considered himself an "outlaw" of sorts--even though he never was in trouble with the law when we knew him.

I remember him talking about being an American and that he had a right to privacy. He wasn't abusive at all, ever. They weren't drug users or alcohol users. I think he just didn't want his dirty laundry aired all across our *very* small town.

My parents were so private that it was kinda frustrating. I remember how they used to sit in the VERY back of the gym during our plays or games or whatever. They also never participated in any parent/teacher activities. When the play or game was over, we'd have to leave immediately. That was sometimes embarrassing, but other than that, not a big deal.

They did have a few friends who were Questionable though. But that's a different topic.

Some people just like their privacy.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I would be bothered by my ped doing that. I also wouldn't let my 9 year old do a visit without me. I am struggling with allowing my 10 year old do a visit without me in the room. I would be more incline to ask the doctor why he is asking those questions. Also, those types of question being asked in front of parents would/could cause lying. An abuse child is not going to say she spanks or starves me. It also would provoke a reaction in most parents in today's climate. It just does not seem like an effective way of watching/looking out for abuse.

That being said, I do and have worked on some things being private. My middle child made my doctor blush one day. She had an odd rash (stubborn eczema) that I took her to the doctor for. She informed the doctor that if she was wearing my underwear he would not have to pull her underwear down to see the spots. He/we did his best to try to get her to change the subject but by the time we left the office he had a very detailed description of my various undergarments. I wanted to die and he was very embarrassed.

My son, 10, still comes in our bed. It does not bother us. We do let the children know that them sleeping in our bed is not socially acceptable in America. So we do not need to broadcast it. We also have looked into different cultures sleeping arrangements.

We do not have a blanket statement though.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I know a child who obviously hears statements like that from his parents and it worries me because it crosses the line to where many things are "private" that really aren't private and he gets very upset if anyone else talks about them. I suspect certain things are going on at home (not abuse of him) which his parents tell him to keep private and so when I hear him get very concerned about other private things I worry.l


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Hmmm. I see so many different sides to this issue.

I taught first grade and during red ribbon (drug free) week, those little darling were telling me all sorts of crazy things about their families (my older brother has a pipe like that! My grandma drinks beer! Mommy throws away daddy's beer!) You'd be surprised how much younger kids share with a teacher.

The ped. asked me questions about guns and stuff-- is this some script?

I don't think it is very useful to ask a pre-adolescent about discipline. When I was 11 and pissy and FEELING abused, I sure would have given the doc an earful about how opressed I was. What would that have told him? Nothing about my family, really, jsut that I had an attitude problem.


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## Benjismom (Aug 24, 2002)

Just to add a little color here. Although I have no idea what might have prompted the ped in this situation to ask about discipline, my mom, who is a family therapist, says her radar is always up around homeschooling. When she first said this I thought it was because most homeschoolers where she lives do so from a religious-right perspective, which is not where she's coming from. But her answer surprised me.

She said so-called homeschooling is very common among her mentally ill patients, who just can't get it together to actually get their children to school. So they say they're homeschooling, and the state is extremely lax about figuring out whether there's any schooling going on. What is really going on is that the kids are sitting home all day in their PJs watching TV and eating junk food because mom is substance abusing or too depressed to get out of bed. Or other scenarios too depressing to mention.

I guess what I'm saying is that having kids enrolled in school keeps you on someone's radar screen (for what it's worth, which is not much in many places) to monitor for suspicious developments or incidents. So a medical or mental health professional might feel a heightened obligation to inquire into possible areas of concern to make up for that.

Beth
DS (almost 5) and DD (2)


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## Sofiamomma (Jan 4, 2002)

I wonder if your friend was just thinking that it was none of the doctor's business! Maybe she is on a mission! You know, peds need to give *medical* advice, not *parenting* advice. The responsibility for parenting advice has definitely shifted in the last century or so from experienced family members to the medical profession and "parenting experts." A little weird if you ask me, but we are very scientific in this culture. I'm sure there are those that feel the medical professionals have strayed out of their arena.

Anyway, I am almost positive that there is a general script from the APA that is recommended to be followed for different age groups re: safety and such. Violence has been near or at the top of the list of children's health concerns for at least a decade. If it is addressed as a health issue it gets top billing and something definitely needed to be done. All the questions about guns, bicycle helmets and discipline go along with recommended screening guidelines for safety, domestic violence, etc. I just finished my peds course for my MSN and there are lists of stuff you are supposed to cover at visits. The idea is that you get a routine going of what you ask, since, because of managed care, you only get so many minutes to see a child. So, for each age, you have a different set of stuff to cover. For instance, for crawling babies you ask about babyproofing, smoke alarms, immunizations, whether the child is in group care, etc. You are also supposed to go over developmental milestones and what comes next, as well as discipline issues for each age group. If you suspect abuse in an older child it is recommended to screen the child alone. Of course, it is also recommended that women be screened for domestic violence outside the presence of their partner. I work in L&D and I rarely see that happen. It just isn't realistic, unfortunately. We all just have to do our best, you know? It may just be that the ped was trying to blow thru his list of questions, and since he did not suspect abuse, he did not take the time and trouble to interview the girl alone. (Not saying that is okay, but may explain it.) Or maybe the PP was right about homeschooling.


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## CherylE (Oct 9, 2003)

hmm - Dh and I are very introverted with most of our children being very extroverted. I have had to talk to Melissa about things like answering the phone and telling the person on the other end that mommy is going poo. Or telling people in the store that she has new pink panties and then describing MY underwear of the day. We don't have a rule about things that are in the housing staying in the house - but we do try to talk to her about not saying things that embarass other people!

We homeschool also but our doctor knew we were going to ahead of time so no odd questions over that. But we're blessed with a wonderful family doctor who sees all of us for everything and did all the prenatal care and deliveries (except for the twins and she still came to visit them in the nursery). So she just knows us really well. Enough to to ask how my parent are doing what we're planning for holidays and what my Dad (also a family doctor 3000 miles away) thinks about whatever we're in for! :LOL


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## Benjismom (Aug 24, 2002)

The PP cracks me up. My husband had a terrible stomach flu attack in the car once and ran into the house as soon as we got home. He stayed in there a while and to explain it to my two-year-old DD I said "Daddy has bad poops." For four months now she has occasionally said to someone, doesn't matter who, apropos of nothing, "Daddy has bad poops."

Beth
DS (almost 5), DD (2)


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Hmmm. There are definitely things I told my daughter were private. Not because I was ashamed, but because I was worried about losing custody of her. Perhaps I'm more worried than most - when she was born, I was an single mom with an extensive history of mental illness, living on financial aid and government benefits. I wasn't allowed to take my child home from the hospital without passing an interview with a psychiatrist, and a social worker from the state came out to check on us a few times when she was little.

So, while I think co-sleeping and child-led weaning are wonderful things, and I did them, I wasn't sure how the state would react... so we didn't tell the doctor about them. Later, with unschooling, I had similar feelings... so to some people we say "homeschooling", and talk about an "interest-based curriculum". I would not tell a doctor that my daughter sleeps until one many days and only rarely does anything even vaguely academic, and I wouldn't want her to tell them either.

I do think family secrets can be dangerous and hard for kids, but I have to balance that with my need to keep my kid safe...

Dar


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## wasabi (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benjismom*
She said so-called homeschooling is very common among her mentally ill patients, who just can't get it together to actually get their children to school. So they say they're homeschooling, and the state is extremely lax about figuring out whether there's any schooling going on. What is really going on is that the kids are sitting home all day in their PJs watching TV and eating junk food because mom is substance abusing or too depressed to get out of bed. Or other scenarios too depressing to mention.

That's what homeschooling meant when I was homeschooled for a year. In fairness my mom had been a teacher and she did have two toddlers at home so she was busy. But yeah there wasn't a curriculum and after maybe a week or so there was no attempt to actually even attempt to have me do any sort of lessons. My GPs were concerned enough to consider telling someone but didn't. After about a year and a half of just hanging out at home they put me back in school. I had been a year ahead so the net effect was that I was in the normal grade for my age.







but yeah I can see the point that not everyone who says they are homeschooling really is or even unschooling from an educated pov.


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmoreno*
I taught first grade and during red ribbon (drug free) week, those little darling were telling me all sorts of crazy things about their families (my older brother has a pipe like that! My grandma drinks beer! Mommy throws away daddy's beer!) You'd be surprised how much younger kids share with a teacher.

So TRUE! I taught preschool and we heard every detail of every arguement, issue and situation that happened at home. I had one 3 yr. old child describe how daddy holds a cigarette "like this" and then he takes a lighter and makes it smoke.... You get the drift....

However, I too am a child of an alcoholic and although we didn't have an overt "don't tell" rule, it was clear that some things were not to be discussed. Then as I got older and my parents divorced my mother inappropriately informed the whole world of what my dad did/said/drank/etc. All my teachers, parents friends, my friends, neighbors, everyone, knew and at 17 that's alot to handle. To this day my mother will tell everyone everything and doesn't seem to know what is OK to say and what isn't. It's like keeping things w/my dad "in the closet" for years caused her to no longer withhold any information from anyone!

It's such a delicate balance- teaching your children what to share and what not to share. And why you want them to be honest about their feelings/actions but not about their thoughts regarding the size of the cashier's nursies







We spent a lot of time in preschool talking about empathy & sensitvity!


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I can't imagine anything my dd could say about our lives and parenting that would be so bad I need to issue a total gag order... and I'm an introvert.

It seems odd to make such an intense rule esp. with a medical professional. It isn't a supermarket clerk or a stranger on a bus.
I'd be concerned that the child develop shame over things they needn't be ashamed about. They might feel something is wrong with them or their family. Or maybe feel like they couldn't talk about a problem they were having with a counselor or pastor. Or maybe with the blanket don't tell anything the child doesn't learn to disern what is important to keep private and what is okay to talk about.


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

As the child of an abusive alchohalic, I never said anything to anyone. I was far too scared to talk.

I appreciate drs screening though. It's more than i got as a kid. Hell, we had no food when my parents finally broke up and no one knew, or noticed that I wore the same clothes all the time, which weren't washed, etc. No one cared.

I heard the "family business stays home" alot as a kid, and I really believe that contributed to my fear of reprisal, that and my fear of the foster care system.


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