# Babysitting for your friends' kids...



## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

How do you handle it? Or having your friends watch your kids? I'm talking about on a random/occasional basis (maybe once every month or two)... Do you pay your friend? Do you expect your friend to pay you? Are you expected to reciprocate childcare?

I guess I'd like to consider asking a friend to watch DS for me (she is the only person in a 2-hour radius that I would trust with him, yes I know I'm overprotective!) but I don't know that I'd be very comfortable watching her DD (although I'd of course do it if she asked, but I don't think she'd want me to). And I have a feeling she wouldn't accept money to watch my DS which would just make me feel uncomfortable like I'm freeloading...

Then there's a different friend that I'd like to offer to watch her DD when needed... her DH works 24/7 & I know she could use a break, and her DD & my DS get along great so it wouldn't be a burden on me. But I wouldn't want to put her in the uncomfortable position I mentioned above of feeling like SHE'S 'freeloading' but I wouldn't want to take $$ from her & I also wouldn't want her to watch my DS in exchange (because I trust barely anyone







).

So how do you handle situations like these? Really, how do you handle any financial interactions with friends? I hate to bring money into any relationship and always end up doing things like giving my friends items [I was trying to sell] for free when they reply to my Craigslist ads. I don't mind giving things for free but sometimes I could use the $$ and also hate to leave people feeling awkward or passing $10 bills back & forth ("I don't want it" -- "No I'm not taking your stuff for free, take it" etc.) Maybe I'm over-thinking this...

And how would you feel if a friend asked you to baby-sit? I know she loves my DS but we haven't known each other long & I don't want to overstep, you know?


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I wouldn't expect to pay a friend for the occasional babysitting favour and nor would I expect a friend to pay me. When I've asked that kind of favour usually it's with the understanding that the other friend could call on me to return the favour at some point in the future. We don't really keep a tally or anything, but just are open to helping each other out as we're able. Also, before some of our friends had kids we would occasionally ask them for babysitting help with the tacit understanding that it was just a favour (unpaid) and of course we couldn't return the favour per se since they didn't have any kids for us to babysit (though now that some of those same friends have had kids we do plenty of babysitting for them).

The 2 times we've had money involved in babysitting from friends were a) when a friend was out of work and she was babysitting on a regular basis, and b) when we were essentially doing "summer camp" for our friends' son - meaning that he was with us all day every day during the summer - and they insisted on paying us (and though we don't usually accept money from friends it seemed to make sense in this case - at least to help pay for the extra cost of food, outings, etc).

ETA if you want to ask your friend to babysit your ds and she agrees why don't you bring her a nice bottle of wine or something as a "thank you" when you go to pick him up. That way you don't have to feel stressed about money, but at the same time you've "paid her back" and she might be less likely to ask you to babysit her dd (since you mention you don't feel comfortable doing that).


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## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

I provide daycare for one of my friends, so obviously there's money involved there. But there have been times when she's in a bind and can't come get her kids for a few hours later and she'll say, "I'm asking you as my FRIEND, can you keep my kids?" And this means, you are my friend and I am asking for help...no money involved.

We need to have friends as part of our community who we can call in a jam or just because we need a break or whatever. In my circle, I only have two super close friends, but many others that I know who have kids and we would watch each others' kids in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I do this because I care about you. Yes, there is an expectation of a willingness of reciprocity, but not like tit for tat. I would encourage you to find people you do trust and be willing to trust people unless they give you reason to think your child would be unsafe.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My friend and I watch each others' kids on a very occasional basis (a few times a year). No money changes hands. I do think, though, that if you ask your friend to watch your DS you should be open to the possibility of watching her DD (which it sounds like you are).

As for your other friend whose DD you'd like to watch for her sometimes (so nice of you!), maybe you could just phrase it like a playdate instead of like babysitting. That way she'll know there's no expectation of payment.


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## cedoreilly (May 21, 2005)

Once in great while, I would not expect money. I have done this as a favor for one of my DD's friend's moms. "Hey, the girls are both going to at such and such birthday party. Can you pick up my DD and keep her until I get done with work?" On the other hand, we have had been together more than once at the pool or something. My DD will want to stay but my boys have had enough so she will stay with my DD and drop her home after the girls are done.

We don't keep track but if it seems like I have ditch her with my DD one too many times, I will give her a quick call and volunteer to take her daughter somewheres for an afternoon to try to even it off.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I wouldn't expect to be paid and I'd just look at it as a fun playdate that helped them out.

I've had/done both--friends took DD last summer all day when we had a funeral to go to, and we had their kids one time the year before when they had late work in the city and couldn't get home.

No formal arrangements needed!


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

The one time dh and I babysat for a friend before we had kids, they left a $20 to order dinner.

You could give her a bottle of wine or chocolates or a casserole or something if that would make you feel more comfortable.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

No payments here either. I can't imagine offering to pay my friend to take my DD for a couple of hours, nor would I ever accept payment for having a friend's child here.

This, of course, assumes that it wasn't getting to the point where a friend was taking advantage of another friend's kindness. But in that instance I would just be inclined to start saying 'no' instead of asking for money.

I run a home daycare, so the only instance where I would have to ask for money would be if a friend wanted their child to have a permanent space with me. That is only because if I didn't charge I would be losing out on charging someone else, and it would cost me income. I would maybe cut a friend a deal, but I would still have to charge them something. I have watched a friend's kid from time to time during my daycare hours but it was only when I happened to have a free spot and it was only a once in a blue moon thing so I didn't charge them.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I trade babysitting with a friend once or twice a month. We don't pay each other, but if whoever's out stops for coffee or lunch they pick up one for the person babysitting. The one time I watched her daughter for longer than a couple hours I got a bottle of premixed margaritas, yum!


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I'll be the dissenter. If it's an exchange, then no payment is necessary (although as I've posted before, I have started to feel taken advantage of by a friend who *always* seems to need a sitter as a "favor). But...in your case, you aren't looking for an exchange as you said that you don't ever want to watch her dd. You are looking for a sitter, and in that case, then yes a payment is standard. I don't think you can say "you're my friend. Will you watch my child but I'll never watch yours?" and expect that still to be a favor unless you do something for her - say, fix her computer or mow her lawn.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom* 
I'll be the dissenter. If it's an exchange, then no payment is necessary (although as I've posted before, I have started to feel taken advantage of by a friend who *always* seems to need a sitter as a "favor). But...in your case, you aren't looking for an exchange as you said that you don't ever want to watch her dd. You are looking for a sitter, and in that case, then yes a payment is standard. I don't think you can say "you're my friend. Will you watch my child but I'll never watch yours?" and expect that still to be a favor unless you do something for her - say, fix her computer or mow her lawn.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm worried about, although I'm not saying I WON'T watch her DD, I would, I'm just not too comfortable with it, but in general no, I don't want an exchange. Maybe that's weird... maybe I need to just commit to either 'exchange the favor' or not ask her to sit for DS. Paying a friend just seems SO awkward (whether I'm the payer or the payee)...


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Yes, I do think that you need to expect that if you ask her to babysit your ds she would likely feel comfortable asking for an exchange in future. I'm curious why you don't feel up to babysitting her dd? Is it because she's still a small infant, or has sn or ???. It might be that whatever reason you feel uncomfortable at the thought of babysitting her dd would also make her less likely to ask you to babysit (ie. her dd is only a small baby and therefor she's unlikely to want _anyone_ to babysit besides, perhaps, close family members). You could always the idea of "paying" her with a bottle of wine, nice dessert, take-out meal, etc, and just hope that that will make her less likely to ask for an exchange at a later date. But, yes, you do need to be prepared for the fact that she very well might ask you to return the favour at some point.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

we trade childcare with friends from time to time, and we have also asked friends as a favour. But it's always left me feeling uncomfortably in their debt if we haven't been able to reciprocate somehow. With some friends though we 'trade' all the time, they do us a favour & we do them the same, so it's no big deal...


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## seagull (Jun 29, 2005)

I agree that the money vs favor aspect can be awkward. On the rare times, that I needed a caregiver for a few hours, I do offer to return the favor. In cases where I know that isn't really an option, I will do a nice thank-you card and share some goodies from the garden or baked goods.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Well my DS is very attached to me and doesn't really play with her DD the same way & I feel like if I wasn't there, she'd entertain them well, but if it was just me & her DD & my DS, then my DS would be all clingy etc. and I just wouldn't be able to give her DD the proper attention (she's very smart & energetic). Plus I just don't have any toys etc. that she would like, everything is geared toward 'baby' still, DS is only 1.5. Whereas my other friend's DD and my DS are almost the same age & play well together and my DS is less clingy to me when he's around her and I have age-appropriate activities available for her. I have a chronic illness and I think that's why seemingly simple things (like watching her DD) stress me out, I just don't have the extra energy required, but I do love her DD and would certainly watch her if needed, it would just be stressful!!

So then there's also the issue of if I watch my other friend's DD (this is getting confusing lol!) then do I 'have' to let her watch my DS? I wouldn't want her to, not yet, she is wonderful but I am not comfortable with a few things she does with her DD (i.e. modified CIO, doesn't cut up choking-hazard foods, lets her DD do things I would consider mildly dangerous).


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

You aren't comfortable with exchange in either case (albeit for different reasons), so you shouldn't ask for (or offer) exchange with either of these friends.

You will probably find a friendly-exchange relationship that works for you eventually. For right now, it would be better to interview paid sitters until you find one that you can trust.


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## TnMsMama (Jul 12, 2010)

Is there something you do/can do that your friend can't? My BFF doesn't cook - ever - so when she watches my kids, I always drop off a pan of lasagna and a salad for that night (so my kids aren't eating pizza or mac n cheese) and then another casserole or dish of some sort for her to use on another night. She's got 3 very active (annoying, poorly behaved) kids so I "can't" watch them (legitimately, my house is tiny - her 3 kids plus my 2 is a prison sentence waiting to happen) so we barter. She's also in school so I'll help her research a paper or whatever, help her with school work, and she'll watch the kids.

I have another friend that sews, and so I'll watch HER kids for a few hours in exchange for her sewing the kids halloween costumes or making curtains or something. It's not anytihng official, I just call her and say "Hey, would you make M's costume? I'll watch D and L for a couple hours so you and hubby can go out!" and she's always thrilled to do it.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

This has always been awkward for me. But i can't think of a situation where I haven't at least been willing to reciprocate.

To pay people where money would not have been accepted but I wanted to show my thankfulness and such I have given a small gift card for food, a bottle of inexpensive wine, flowers, a cute thank you card with a pack of live saves (get it? you're a lifesaver!) .

For your first situation you can always take her something nice. Someone I babysat for gave me a gift card for pizza so I didn't have to cook after watching his kid (and several others) all day. It was so sweet I cried. Not from a financial aspect but just because I didn't have to cook. Maybe you could do that or bring a meal for her to use or freeze so she doesn't have to watch your child and try to cook and stuff. Of if the kids will be eating lunch maybe pack a really fun lunch for them. Or take some fun fizzy drinks. just something small. Or when you pick her up come with their favorite alcohol (a nice beer or inexpensive wine) or a little bakery treat or high end ice cream. I think it is so much more fun to bring a treat to someone who has babysat than give them cash








but I also know some people need the cash.

The second situation you mentioned is easy. Just ask if their child can come over for a play date. Tell them your dd would love to have theirs over. easy peasy.

rummage sale. OMG this is so me. My friends come and pick out all kinds of stuff and there is no way I can take money from them. (I actually have a friend I just give stuff to now. Really once you start giving stuff away people start giving you stuff and it all works out). So here is the best thing that ever happened to me for clothes and this might work for you. My friend was going to have a rummage sale. Tons of nice stuff. High end Disney clothes and costumes from their trips to Disney World, Gymboree, Baby Gap all in pristine condition. So she called us up, about 6 of us with kids younger than hers who would need those sizes, and let us sit in her basement and go through everything. I don't remember if everything was already priced or not. It was either priced or she had a price list or everything was $2. Whatever, we got FIRST PICK! and it was all fairly cheap and air conditioned garage sale shopping. win win win. Since she we got first pick we were happy to hand over the money. It wasn't awkward for her. it didn't seem weird at all.It was actually super fun, kinda a party atmosphere, she had refreshments for us so she didn't feel like she was just fleecing us. And it brought her great joy to see our babies wearing her baby's clothes







So if you have a lot of nice stuff to sell, why not invite the people you would feel inclined to give it to over for a glass of wine and a pre rummage. If taking money kills you offer them half price or just make a flat fee for everything. They will still not being paying full price but you will still be making money to reinvest.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy* 
So then there's also the issue of if I watch my other friend's DD (this is getting confusing lol!) then do I 'have' to let her watch my DS?

Nope. My DS is 5 and there are some neighbors whose kids I'm happy to have over here, but DS isn't allowed to go to their houses without me. So even with big kids, I don't think there's ever a time when you "have to" let someone have your kid, even if they let you have their kid.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

We exchange babysitting a few times here and there. No money is involved. Maybe a treat like bringing home a latte or something. One friend is adamant that if I go into labour at night, we call her and she'll come over to watch the boys til grandparents can take over (otherwise grandparents would wake up boys in the middle of the night and take them home), in that case, I will have a bottle of wine or something like that to give her.


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## rhiOrion (Feb 17, 2009)

DD's daycare was closed July 4th week, so my good friend watched her for three days. I paid her the amount that I would have paid daycare.

But she didn't agree to babysit with an expectation of payment. She actually looked pretty surprised about the check I wrote. But, in this case, she was truly acting as a babysitter.

Plus, it's unlikely that I would babysit her son in the near future for more than maybe a few minutes. I would do it, absolutely, but I have a 4 months old, and he's a very active toddler and our house is very non child proofed, plus he is pretty attached to mama, so it's just never really happened.

If she watched my DD for an hour or two I'd likely just bring her back some small token- a dessert from the restaurant if we were going out on a date, or something of that nature.

As both of our kids get older I imagine we'll trade play dates every once in a while, but for right now, watching a 4 month old when she also has a toddler isn't a playdate. I think it's probably a form of torture- but at the very least I thought it deserved payment


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## liberal_chick (May 22, 2005)

We have no family where we are, so we frequently rely on our friends to baby-sit when needed (or sometimes just for a date night if we haven't gone in a while).

With one of our friends it is a true exchange. She'll keep mine pretty much anytime she's available and I return the favor. I never tell her 'no' as long as I don't have a previous engagement that can't be rescheduled. And it is wild! She has 3 boys and I have 2, so it is chaos when one of us has them all.









I have another friend that has kept our kids before, but I don't ask her too terribly often b/c she's never asked me to keep hers and I don't want to take advantage. I know that she doesn't ask me, though, b/c she has tons of local family that WANTS to keep hers, so she just doesn't NEED me.

I've never asked for money (and never would!) and have never paid. I tend to think it is just what friends do for one another.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

So many good ideas! I think part of the issue is that DS is only 1.5 and as he & our friends' kids get older, this won't be as much of an issue (once DS is out of the toddler years I think I will feel a little more comfortable having people watch him, having playdates without the other parent present, etc. So probably some of this will just naturally evolve. I'm honestly not sure I'm even ready to have someone watch DS but it occurred to me the other night that HEY I actually would trust this friend! So I got excited but I think I'm not quite *there* yet -- maybe by the time I'm ready I'll also be ready to watch her DD & it won't be an issue.

I think I'll just let my other friend know, "Hey if you ever want to drop DD off for a playdate with M, let me know, we'd love to have her!" I think that makes it clear that there's no $$ involved?

That rummage sale idea is great (except I don't have enough stuff for that lol) -- Craigslist is tricky because it's anonymous etc. Maybe I'll offer things to friends first and then list it...


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't expect my friend to pay me when I watch her child and she doesn't expect me to pay her. Before I was willing to let anyone except my mom and daycare watch dd I would watch her son on occassion as a favor and I wouldn't take money. He was over way less than some of her other friends who came on playdates so I didn't feel like it was right to accept money from a friend and not expect to see a dime from the dad who kept dropping his kid off for hours (and sometimes overnight and into the next evening).

I didn't think that my friend would be a good person to watch dd, but she is really awesome with her now that we do a more even swap. Once your dd gets older you may find that she does great with the friend you aren't sure of now.


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I'm part of an awsome group of moms, and if one of us needs a babysitter (usually its some sort of 'emergancy'), then we just post and see who can help! I was lucky enough to have someone watch my ds for a few hours one day when I had to work, and next time she or anyone else needs someone to watch their kiddos, if I can do it, I will.

No money is involved unless it was a pre-set up, regular type of thing.

I did bring muffins though!


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

My friend and I exchange babysitting, though to be honest she has probably watched my kids more.

I don't pay her, but I do try and bring her a couple of her favourite (non-alcoholic) drinks that she likes to drink every day or some other kind of treat.

Usually though we both have our parents to babysit when needed so the babysitting we've done for each other is usually when, for example, I've needed to go to an appointment and my Mum and Dad have been away or busy or something. Not that I don't trust her, I just don't want to put her out really, together we have two four year olds, a two year old and a 4 month old so it can be busy.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I thought I'd add this to the thread, even though it doesn't pertain directly to the OP, since several posters have mentioned the chaos of babysitting your own kids plus a friend's multiple kids. Something that we do with one set of friends is regularly exchange "date nights". Instead of having the other couple's kids over here to babysit them (or vice versa) we send the dad to the other house to babysit while the mom (ie. me or my friend) stays at home with her own kids. That way we can maintain a normal bedtime routine without it devolving into the chaos of a "sleepover party" (which, when you're talking about two 2 yr olds and two 5 yr olds can be pretty nuts!).


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

OP - I definitely think (as you suspect) that as your ds gets older babysitting exchanges will become easier and make more sense. When he enters the age of being able to really play _with_ other kids it can sometimes even be easier to have a playmate over than to entertain him yourself! (I have a set of friends who regularly "borrow" my dd to play with their ds so that they can get work done!).


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## Lilygoose (Oct 27, 2009)

My best friend and I have done this both ways. She has a 6 year old son and I have an almost 2 year old daughter. Prior to having my DD my friend would ask me to babysit occasionally when she was in a tight spot and I did it for free. Payment was never expected or offered, because it was occasional. After having my DD, once she was older and I felt comfortable, my best friend and I babysat for each other more often-still no payment but it was an exchange (not formal, no one kept track if it all matched up or anything, but we helped each other out). When I wanted to take my DD out of daycare except for 2 days each week (she was that odd child that thrived and loved it as a baby but needed extra one on one around 18 months) my best friend was willing to watch my DD for one day each week. I paid her, a modest fee, probably less than the going rate, but not a tiny amount either. We were able to discuss this pretty easily. She was not currently working and the extra cash helped her out. Now she is working and I watch her son 3-4 times a month for her, so we are back on an exchange (she still watches my daughter once a week). We usually just do whatever seems right at the time. On the side note of your being uncomforatable with your OTHER friend watching your child becasue of choices she makes for her own, it is possible that she would follow your expectations regarding your child. My best friend is a lot more lax than I am about certain things. However she feels that my decisions are whats best for my chold so she follows my expectations regarding my DD. Things such as car seat safety. Only I install the carseat in her car and judge when it is safe. She was more lax with her son (followed the law, but turned him at 1 year, never made sure the seat was installed exactly perfect, etc.). I trust her to understand my more nervous nature and follow my expectations becasue she knows its important to me and therefore to my DD. Not saying that all people are good at this, but some are.


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