# Precocious toddler jealous in home daycare



## fnwilliams (Sep 10, 2010)

I don't know if my 2 year old qualifies as gifted but she in multi sentence thoughts at this points, knows her letters and can count one to one to the number 5, knows colors and could listen to books for hours (literally).

I run a home daycare with an 9 month old, 18 month old, my daughter and an almost 3 year old. In the past (with different children) my daughter did really well and didn't even demonstrate the jealousy some infants show when their moms hold other babies. When the 9 month old started as a newborn my daughter could not get enough of her and then when my DD turned 2 she had a 1.5 month period where she would yell," Go away J..." over and over when she saw me hold the baby and especially in the mornings when the mom dropped off the baby. Around the same time the 18mth old started care part time and DD acted the same way when he was dropped off. She also freaked out every time he would try to hug her or touch her. A few times he knocked her over when trying to hug her and her rxn to him got worse and worse. She settled down for awhile and had been more positive generally with him until he started coming full time. She is more testy with him, has grabbed his cheek and yells Go away at him when he is not even near her. I feel so horrible for this little boy and I'm struggling to understand my daughter's motivation. Last year when the older boy in care started coming, she reacted similarly to him only she couldn't really verbalize it then. She would just scream in fright if he got too close and avoid playing with him. Now they are best buddies and she hugs him and accepts interaction with him.

Maybe I've dealt with her reaction to the younger ones in the wrong way. I've done alot of explaining to her about how babies and young toddlers behave (pulling hair when they don't mean to, touching you to get your attention since they can't talk yet, screaming for what they want). This has been somewhat effective. I've explained that it makes their mommies feel sad when she yells at their babies and that I wouldn't want someone else yelling at her that way. There are times I've placed her somewhere by herself because she has been so verbally aggressive and has attempted to swat at the little ones or push them. She gets so angry and agitated when I do this. In frustration , I've raised my voice to her and explained that if she keeps treating them this way they will treat her the same way. She is very intense in general and needs so much stimulation to make her happy. I've tried setting aside special times for us and I've asked her if she has a hard time sharing her mommy with the little ones. She agrees to this statement. I've told her to say "Pick me up too" instead of "Go away" to the other little ones. I hoped redirecting her to focus on what she really wants and to verbalize that would help. It has helped with the baby. DD is great with her again. She just persists with this negativity toward the 18 mth old and he does nothing to provoke her except try to hug her! He's stopped doing that because of the yells he hears when he gets close to her. If I ask him if he wants ________, her immediate rxn is to state he doesn't want that. She'll say things like ___________ says go away! When I asked her why she was so upset this morning she said "_________was going to try to take me home .

I don't know whether this is a sensory issue or just a jealousy issue. Do some kids just take longer to warm up to new people? Sometimes when it gets really bad I tell her that if she wants to say something mean then don't say anything, just to be quiet. I get so frustrated hearing a torrent of negativity from her to the babies. If she gets physical I know how to handle it, but what about the verbal abuse? Should I consider time out for that? Ignore it and simply tell her I will play with her when she is ready to be nice to all her friends? Any advice about how to deal with her would be much appreciated. It makes it so much harder that her main weapon is her words.


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## junipermoon (Nov 19, 2008)

No advice, but wanted to offer support. My 23 month old is going through an insanely jealous phase too. I am homeschooling my nine year old and as soon as I focus my attention on him my toddler comes barreling over, grabbing the book from my nine year old and tearing it, jumping in between us, roaring, anything to get the attention back onto him.

It must be really stressful to manage this with younger kiddies around!

I do think it is so natural and developmentally normal!

I might work with ignoring the verbal outbursts in favor of focusing attention, in those moments, on the other child. And be ready to hugely reinforce anything positive she says or does re: the younger kids, or even to hugely reinforce her when she does NOT do something inappropriate when you pick up another child. Ie, if you pick up the 18 month old and your toddler ignores this or continues doing her own thing, reinforce the heck out of that.

Good luck!


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## physmom (Jun 15, 2009)

Just some thoughts. DD's younger but we've had to deal with jealousy (mostly if I'm talking to DH about work and we're not talking directly to her). It helps if she is physically close to me. Like sitting on my lap or in a carrier. If it's at certain times per day (like close to naptime?). Could you try putting her in a carrier on your back so you could still play with the other kids but she'd have the closeness that she wants?

The verbal things. I sympathize. Yesterday she started hitting DH for no reason so he said he didn't want to play with her like that and that he was going to the other room. Normally she then stops and will play nice but yesterday she said ok and byebye. DH was pretty sad about that! Can you point out that what she is saying hurts the other kid's feelings? That helps DD sometimes if we explain that to her.


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## fnwilliams (Sep 10, 2010)

I'm so relieved to hear I'm not alone







I'm really thankful that she has these other children around-it is so good for her in so many ways. She would be content to listen to books all day but with the other kids there she has more opportunities to play and act more her age and let loose a little. Physmom--my daughter acts similarly with my DH as well. It hurts his feelings very much. She often acts like it is fine if he withdraws his attention after being rejected. I try to remind him that she knows very well what gets our goat and the more hurt he acts she knows she's gotten a reaction.

Sometimes it seems like the explanations are working-but other times(when she is sick, tired , teething or during times of change) the extra explaining only eggs her on.

I'll try to remain more calm and ignore the verbal outbursts while focusing attention on the other children when they act like a good friend and on her again when she acts more social. She can be very sympathetic when the little toddler is upset or hurt and then she wants to help him.

Thanks for the idea about the back carrier-I have a ring sling she still fits in but a back carrier would be great for hiking and for dealing with the other kids and giving her some touch time. I'm able to rotate her and the other boys onto my lap to keep them calm while I spoon feed the infant which helps them all out, especially close to lunch/nap time.

Any other tactics or ideas would be much appreciated. It is so hard to outsmart her when she knows what gets to you!


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Have you tried disciplining her? There was an excellent list of ways to discipline on this website last week. It gave lots of good ideas.


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## HeatherB (Jan 30, 2003)

Moving to Gentle Discipline for more input...


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