# blame



## yamamama (Mar 15, 2003)

It has been about a month since I lost my baby at 13/14 weeks. My first and only other pregnancy was a breeze my ds is 3 now. I am completely convinced that if I had done something or possibly everything differently I would still be pregnant and having my baby in October. I go over and over the first trimester in my mind and in hindsight realize that i knew something was wrong and even though my doctor didn't advise it I should have been in bed or at least hardly doing anything which in reality is impossible while staying home with a 2/3 yr. old but I'm just posting these feelings to hear from other moms and how to deal with this feeling/knowing of "it's my fault"


----------



## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I honestly dont think its your fault. please, dont blame yourself!

You could have stood on your head and spit wooden nickels, and it wouldnt have made a difference. (in my mind)

Try very hard not to spend too much time blaming yourself. Instead, spend your time addressing your grief....feeling sadness, anger, fear. go easy on yourself. allow yourself time to heal.


----------



## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Boy..this is a toughy!

Easy to say "don't blame yourself" but I remember going over and over in my mind hashing out every last detail of what I could've done differently to make my pregnancy not m/c. It's not something someone else can tell you but something you find peace with inside yourself in time. Life is always a journey. Tread lightly, and take care of yourself. If it's all you can do get through the day, just remember your ds loves that you're his mommy!

Take care...


----------



## Mutherluv (Apr 19, 2003)

This might sound crazy to some, but I have guilt about something that happened the night before I lost my ds. I saw a large spider on the celing, and instead of just smashing it, I grabed a chair, and a jar and put it around the spider. Every time I would scrape it in, it would start to climb out. I stood on that chair for at least 20minutes, with my arms streched up. I lost my son at 36wks due to a cord accident. I always have felt that maybe if I wouldn't have been standing on that chair with my arms over my head maybe he would still be here. I think it is very normal when you lose a baby to blame yourself. We take such good care of ourselves, eat right , take vitamins, don't lift anything too heavy, and yet, we really don't have that much control over the outcome.

I have watched soooo many stories of mothers that are crack addicts giving birth to drug addicted, but basicly healthy babies. It always blows my mind that the life growing inside of some woman means so little, when we so desperatly wanted our babies. I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss, I'm sure that you didn't do anything to cause your m/c. I'm sorry to go on and on, but it felt good to get that all out







:


----------



## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Quote:

I have watched soooo many stories of mothers that are crack addicts giving birth to drug addicted, but basicly healthy babies. It always blows my mind that the life growing inside of some woman means so little, when we so desperatly wanted our babies.
My friend who is dealing with infertility and I have had problems with carrying say this exact thing!! Thanks for sharing our seniment!


----------



## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

yamamama,
I just wanted to say how I am for your loss. I think that looking for someone or something to blame is a normal part of dealing with a mc or sb. I can't think of a single person that I have met IRL or online that has not had similar moments. Sometimes it branches out to blaming the dr/midwife, your dh, anything to give a " cause" or reason to make the senseless make sense. The truth is, it doesn't and never will "make sense"even if you find a medical cause, and it is not your fault. It too me many weeks/months to wrap my head around this and just accept it as is, without being able to understand it.

As for the healthy drug babies, unwanted babies, abused babies, etc. that is probably one of the things that makes it so difficult for me. I can't ink aobut it too long, or I get really upset, worse now than when we were dealing with infertility.

Carrie


----------



## yamamama (Mar 15, 2003)

thank you so much for your words of support. I do spend a lot of time trying to make everything make sense and if I'm not blaming myself I have had moments when I want to blame my doctor/midwife and on and on but I think that as time goes on my need to rationalize it and understand it in a cause/effect way will dissipate or at least I hope that's what will happen.

~eunice


----------



## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Eunice, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I recently saw a study reported in the papers that said that bedrest was not actually good for women with preterm labor or at risk for preterm delivery. That the body actually does much better up and moving around to keep blood flowing normally, and that the "bedrest prescription" is actually a medical myth that's never been demonstrated to be helpful.


----------



## turquoise (Oct 30, 2002)

I think we all blame ourselves at some point or to some degree. It's the only variable that we control and it's so much harder feeling helpless. I've lost 4, and I still blame myself even though I try not to. It's tough.

But I also have to agree with Mutherluv, there are so many women that do the worst things while pg and the babies turn out fine which is so unfair. Then there are some, I know a few, who would make the absolute best parents but can't have kids while at the same time you can find a bunch of abusive/neglectful parents who can't stop having kids. It's rotten and depressing.

Please don't blame yourself







s


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I had some huge guilt issues when we lost our daughter... still do. It does get easier with time, and I have to *really* remind myself that we made the very best decisions we possibly could for her, and if we were'nt given the correct information at the time, that is out of my control and not my fault.

It does get easier with time... although I don't think it will ever get easier to hear about children who are abused, or the latest crack mama to have a live baby. I just have to choose not to think about those things, although at one time they were all-consuming.

XM


----------

