# How/when to stop co-sleeping



## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

My DS if 5, nearly 6, and he has co-slept with us his whole life.This has taken a few different forms, from sleeping with us in the queen, and then king bed, to having the crib/day bed next to the bed, to a period when DS and I slept in his room to "help him transition." After several months it became clear that he was not transitioning, my husband missed being part of the family, and I missed my husband and, truth be told, the master bedroom, so, DS and I moved back to the family bed, and there we still are. Now DH is saying that it is time for DS to sleep on his own. I have to admit, it would be nice to be able to put him to bed and then continue on with my night, and it would be nice to be able to wake up early to work without the probability of DS coming out to say, "mommy, I can't sleep without you!" On the other hand, I love the cuddles, and figure they won't last forever, so I should enjoy them now. Also, DS recently had a bad dream about being lost in a store and unable to get to his daddy, so this doesn't seem like a great time to move him. But DH says now that he is in kindergarten and nearing his 6th birthday, it is time to move him to his own bed, perhaps over the winter break. 

My gut feeling is that when DS is ready, it will happen. When he was potty training, it felt like it would never, ever end, and then it did. When he was breastfeeding, as much as I loved it, there were times when I thought, "will he ever want to stop? Will I at some point have to wean him?" But then, shortly after his 4th birthday, he stopped, on his own, and it was no big deal. So I imagine something similar might happen with co sleeping. At times it has felt like it was close to happening, when we were in the same bed, but he would sleep far away from us and be fine. But lately he wants to cuddle and snuggle all night. 

So, I guess I'm asking when people have stopped co sleeping and how you did it. Is there a way to make the transition easier?


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

I stopped with both mine when they were around 4. We used to put them to bed and tell them they were welcome to join us in our bed when we go to sleep. At first, they would come 2-3 times a week, then a couple of times a month, then they stopped.

If you really want to do it, I would recommend not leaving a night light or toys for him to play with, just make it really boring. It will help him fall asleep faster. Also, make sure bedtime is not too early. My youngest is 6 now; we start bedtime at 8 and lights are out by 8:30.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

My son also was reluctant to stop co-sleeping, and we had a couple of false starts. These were the strategies most effective in the transition:

"I will stay with you until you fall asleep, but then I will sleep in the other room, and we'll see each other in the morning." (If you have trouble staying awake while you lie in the dark waiting for him to sleep, have coffee after dinner!) After some time, change to, "I will stay with you for 10 minutes after lights out," and then, "I will leave after prayers." If you aren't religious, develop some other type of "closing" ritual that is the last talking you do before sleep, even while you are still staying with him--my mom used to chant, "Good night. Sleep tight. Wake up bright in the morning light to do what's right with all your might. Good night!"

Consider allowing him to keep his light on longer, to read or play in bed, ONLY if he is alone. If he calls you in, it's lights out after that.

If he's clinging to the parent who's putting him to bed, try switching to the other parent doing bedtime--if your schedule allows.

To prevent his coming into your bed in the middle of the night really often, or getting up too early in the morning, try having him watch the clock.

If you're not opposed to "rewards", try a sticker chart. (We didn't actually do this for sleeping alone, but we had great success with it for toilet training.) It's mainly just a way for ALL of you to see his successes accumulating, so you might make that the whole reward, or you could offer something special when he fills the chart, but make it something small (like a trip to the library) or something practical that's directly related to bedtime (like a new sheet set).


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## CrazyPatty (Mar 9, 2016)

We did co-sleeping for a few months. it was OK, but my husband snores and gets up a lot. At first my son would sleep through it, but then he started waking up and wanting to eat so I had to get up and comply just to get him back to bed. We moved him into his own bedroom and he had a rough month adapting. He's get up and come back to our room in the middle of the night (very disruptive for all of us) and cry a lot. Finally one night he slept through the night in his own bed and has ever since. He still asks us why he cannot sleep in our bed with us, though. 

My friend did co-sleeping until her two girls were 5. She had a horrible time transitioning them into their own rooms. Her opinion now is that she wished she didn't do it, or at least not for so long. I know it was really hard on the girls. I'm sure there are good ways to transition, though.


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## Nemi27 (Mar 11, 2015)

Have you heard of "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley? She discusses some really great ways to move from co-sleep to independent sleeping for all ages including older children. I don't remember off the top of my head since I read it a while ago, but her ideas for preschool kids seemed really valid and helpful. I think one involves a book or story about the child who will be transitioning to sleep alone. I'd look into it because she is all about gentle but effective transitions.


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## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks, all, for the suggestions. At this point I think we are going to try to make the switch this summer. (Winter break has come and gone, and this semester is too crazy and too busy for me to try to make the switch right now. Besides, there are some evenings when I get home from work so late that co sleeping IS the time I have with my child that day, so now is not a good switch time). I will definitely look into that book and try some of the helpful suggestions you all have made. If you have any others, keep them coming. I still have a few months to gather ideas.


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## Lucy-Goosey (Mar 21, 2016)

My first born coslept with us until just before 6 years of age. Around his 6th birthday we got him an IKEA kura bed, the frame of which I painted white and placed a blue tent-like thing above it. You can see these beds "hacked" online -- some of them have been painted/decorated to be extremely impressive. Anyway, my son loved it so much, especially because of the potential fort-like space underneath, that he was like: see-ya, wouldn't-wanna-be-ya!

And my husband and I have been lonely ever since, boohoo.

Well not quite. We just had baby #2 .

Do a search on the bed and you'll see what I mean. Gorgeous things have been done with this bed and the bed itself is so cheap!


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## lgalofre (Apr 29, 2016)

With my first boy it was easy because the second one arrived when he was 1 but with the second one it has been more difficult. I think it is worst when baby is older but you just have to be constant.


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## motherhendoula (Feb 13, 2009)

im in the exact same boat Mamade Rumi - my son will be 6 in a month - we have been co sleeping since he was born - he was huge and by 1 yr he was in a twin - us in our queen - it worked great for years - he sleeps very very very soundly- somewhere around 2 - 4 AM he will reach out his arm - find me...and fall back to sleep - possibly he would say 'mommy' - causing me to stick an arm out - touch him - and then were both back to sleep - really, a perfect system - i saw no reason to change this - about 6 months ago my DH felt 'it was time' - so i rearranged the beds to put a nightstand in between his bed and ours - now instead of just touching me at 2am - he leaps into bed with us - my DH and i are both overweight - in a queen sized bed...plus DS is still enormous - (4'3" 90 lbs) so sleeping all together like this is annoying and not working - if i then suggest DS and i go back to his bed - now hes awake - and hell bop around in bed and sing to himself for an hour.....
we started talking to him about eventually sleeping by himself - we have two teenagers who have their own rooms - DS wants no part of this! 
i know that when we finally move his bed - and then he inevitably comes into our bed - i will have to go back to his room - we wont all fit in the queen.....hes finally at an age where i can start looking to back to work full time and of course - ill be up half the night 'bed hopping' - my oldest has left for college - so we have the 'spare' room ..i dunno - i think we should just go back to what it was!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

motherhendoula said:


> i think we should just go back to what it was!


It sounds like it  I'm a big believer in "if it isn't broken..."

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## celeste_mom (Aug 17, 2016)

We did co-sleeping with our first kid, Amy, for 10 months. Then she got her own bed in her bedroom. Adaptation was hard, lots of crying and screaming, but after a month she got used to it


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## ljs (Aug 16, 2016)

We've co-slept with our kids each for a few years but once the first one had a bedroom the youngers by the time they're about 3 they want to play with older siblings in their bedrooms they share rooms now and love it except for our baby (1 yr) and one of our 4 year olds. For the four year old we'll probably try and transition her to her own room in about a year but were also big on the whole 'if it isnt broken..' so we dont really want to start messing with it as long as everyone is sleeping and okay with the arrangement.


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## Ambrossimo (Aug 14, 2016)

I have this problem. My daughter is 15 months and she doesn't want to sleep in her bed. My husband sleeps in the living room as it is not enough space for 3 of us. I don't know what to do to make her sleep alone.


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## hellen19 (Nov 26, 2016)

I think when the children are at least 3 years old. You should tell them about this a period of time before starting. Let's try to make it a interesting event. Then the kids will be willing to sleep by themselves. For one, I told my kid that if he wanted to be a police in the future, he must be brave and a brave child can sleep alone.:smile:


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## TheBugsMomma (Mar 24, 2015)

This might sound terrible, but we bribed our 3.5 yr old. Lol we knew she was ready and it was starting to get so bad I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom in middle of the night without her crying. Then I found out I was pregnant and it was just time. First of all we can see each other from our beds. Our rooms are really one big room with half a wall inbetween. We also let her know that if she wakes in the middle of the night she's allowed in our bed so she's not scared. But she's very goal oriented so having something to work for made her go from crying and anxious totally confident. She gets about $5 biweekly at target to buy a little toy if she sleeps in her bed every night. Since I'm pregnant and exhausted we go upstairs at the same time. She gets a story and 2 min cuddle and then goes to her own bed. She even turns off her own lights and music on. Most of the time she's still in her own bed in the morning too! Soon we will be starting the transition to get her to go to sleep when we're not upstairs😁


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## OneBed (Dec 19, 2016)

> This might sound terrible, but we bribed our 3.5 yr old. Lol we knew she was ready and it was starting to get so bad I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom in middle of the night without her crying. Then I found out I was pregnant and it was just time. First of all we can see each other from our beds. Our rooms are really one big room with half a wall inbetween. We also let her know that if she wakes in the middle of the night she's allowed in our bed so she's not scared. But she's very goal oriented so having something to work for made her go from crying and anxious totally confident. She gets about $5 biweekly at target to buy a little toy if she sleeps in her bed every night. Since I'm pregnant and exhausted we go upstairs at the same time. She gets a story and 2 min cuddle and then goes to her own bed. She even turns off her own lights and music on. Most of the time she's still in her own bed in the morning too! Soon we will be starting the transition to get her to go to sleep when we're not upstairs


Doesn't sound terrible at all. You gotta do what you gotta do to eventually ween kids off of co-sleeping and let them sleep in their own beds. Reward systems like that can work miracles, especially with goal-oriented kids like yours.  Besides, in a couple years, she might be sharing a bedroom with her little brother/sister.


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## xthoney (Dec 8, 2016)

Ran across this which is our life right now. My husband and I had a good laugh.








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