# Preteen - is a cell phone a neccesity?



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm starting to feel like a a cell phone is a necessity for my 11-year-old daughter. I drop her off at day camps and other activities and I want her to be able to reach me if she needs me. I don't think an iPhone is a necessity, but just a plain old cheap phone so she can reach me. There aren't pay phones all over like there were when I was her age.

What are your feelings about cell phones for preteens?


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

My 10 year old has a phone. We felt it was a necessity. There were three or four instances where my husband and I were calling all over the place to locate our son after some sort of mix up or another. Our schools bus company is a nightmare. It is so much easier just to call him or he call us if there is a mix up instead of all of us trying to figure out how to get in touch.

Our son is also starting to be allowed to stay home for brief periods of time while I run an errand or something and we don't have a home phone just cell phones.

Just a few years ago I was one of those parents who sighed and tsked when they saw preteens with cell phones and couldn't imagine why that would be necessary. Now my own son has one.

Now if only I could get him to remember to carry it with him when he's supposed to.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I got my kids phones when I needed them to have them. That was about 9 for us. My kids do a ton of theatre.... the youth theatre keeps on a predetermined schedule but the professional and community theatre's will let the kids off at random times. I wanted the freedom to go take a walk or run an errand while they were doing their thing instead of having to just wait for hours and hours on a daily basis. I didn't want my kids bugging the adults for a phone and there were rarely any public phones. My kids having phones gave ME freedom lol.

I know DD started with a pay-as-you-go phone but it was really not cheaper than adding a line to our plan. She didn't get a smart phone until 11th grade and she pays for her data plan. My DS 12 has a bare bones texting phone... no data and he won't get a data plan until high school.

Obviously, you put your restrictions down and re-evaluate rules at different stages but honestly, my kids having phones has been very helpful to me and saved us a lot of waiting and pointless run-around.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Ya...I was an eye-roller until recently; now I'm looking at phones for dd's 12th. Bday. She'll be going more places on her own very soon and I'm getting tired of dh insisting she take my phone on solo trips to the store,etc.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I suspect our kids will have phones as pre-teens. We don't have a land line at our house, so if they're old enough to stay home alone, I want a cell in the house in case of emergency. And once they're old enough to take the bus on their own, they absolutely need phones.

I agree, too, that it doesn't have to be an iPhone. I just need them to have something that makes calls.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

It sounds like you're all dealing with the same issues I'm dealing with and coming to the same conclusion I've come to. There must be something to it.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Are her day camps and other activities supervised by adults? If so, most of them will have cell phones and/or access to a land line, so if she needs to call you she will be able to do so.

I have never owned a cell phone. The last time I borrowed one for a solo road trip, I found that every single time I used it was unnecessary and could easily have been avoided. (Read the whole story on my blog if you are interested.) The only situation in which I can imagine it being truly useful is in an emergency where there are no other people around and no land lines. My child will be significantly older before he's going anyplace like that all alone. In our everyday lives in the city, I've consistently found it easy to get access to a phone if I really need one. Compared to 20 years ago, businesses are more likely to let you use their phone for a local call, probably because it's rare for anyone to ask them now that the majority carry cell phones. Random passersby often will let you borrow a cell phone for a moment. Pay phones certainly are scarcer than they used to be, but they do still exist. And on top of all that, many of the situations in which people make phone calls these days can be handled without the phone call if you plan ahead and are patient.

Last school year (2nd grade) my partner gradually reduced the number of days when he walked to the school to meet our son, wait for him to finish playing, and walk home together. EnviroKid is now allowed to play for up to an hour and then walk home. We got him a wristwatch so he'd know when time's up. Well, he often forgets to wear his watch, and I think the only reason he hasn't lost it is that (when he does wear it) it's attached to him. I don't think he is ready to keep track of a phone, remember to charge it, and keep it dry. However, he's shown that he IS ready for the responsibility of coming home on time: If he forgot his watch, he asks others with watches or phones what time it is. He has occasionally borrowed a phone to call his dad to ask permission to go to a friend's house. He has never failed to come home on time or earlier. We've never felt that we needed to be able to call him during that hour.

Think about when you were 11 years old. Did you really use pay phones a whole lot? How did you and your parents communicate, and how did you work around the fact that you weren't able to be in constant contact? The same strategies will work now.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

EnviroBecca, when I was 11, I lived in the suburbs, my parents paid for a full-time nanny, and sometimes my dad got stuck in traffic, stranding me at ballet school after they theoretically closed. Some of the teachers would hang out and wait with me, but sometimes I wound up sitting on the steps, freezing my butt off.

If my neighbors saw an unescorted 7 yo at the park, they'd call the cops. So would I.

My house is a place where my kids, as preteens, might conceivably be alone with no land line.

I won't lend my cell phone if approached on the street. Around here, that's how cell phones get stolen. A lot of businesses that are sympathetic to the grown-up white lady who needs to make a call are openly hostile to teens and pre-teens. If my kid is old enough to take the bus alone, on this public transit system that breaks down on me as often as it does, they need a phone.

I'll put it in a waterproof otter box. I'll plug it in at night and make sure it's charged. I'll clip it to their backpacks. It'll be cheap, because I expect to have to replace it. I never want my kids to be at the mercy of strangers because a bus broke down.


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> Are her day camps and other activities supervised by adults? If so, most of them will have cell phones and/or access to a land line, so if she needs to call you she will be able to do so.


First time I wished my son had a cell phone - my husband had to unexpectedly go out of town for a family emergency so we asked a friend to pick son up at bus stop on Monday. On Friday we get a notice that the bus drop off time had changed from 2:55 to 3:20. Babysitter was there at 3:00 to wait for my son. Unknown to any of us the bus had dropped him off at 2:55. He went home. Waited for a while to see if anyone would show up then went to a neighbors to ask them to call his parents. He did the right thing and it all worked out. We take responsibility for son not getting informed of the change in plans, though we did try getting a message to him at school and the message was never delivered. However, we had 1/2 hour to 45 minutes of unnecessary worry while we called everywhere looking for him.

Between the first time and the last time - numerous late buses due to substitute drivers, stuck in snow drift, or other issues where he ended up not being where he was expected when he was expected. For some reason there aren't phone calls made to parents even when the bus is running significantly (30-45minutes) late. And a few simple youth mistakes such as forgetting he had a meeting after school and riding the bus home. One morning my daughters bus simply never showed up to pick up kids, many of whose parents were already gone for work (she doesn't have a phone yet, but she also doesn't ride the bus home, and I wait at the stop with her in the morning).

Final straw - Son's bus stop was changed for drop off to an unacceptable stop across the busiest street in town from his sitters house. I told him to get off at his regular stop after confirming that the regular stop was still on the route, just was no longer the one he was scheduled for. Tried to get things straightened out and was unable to reach the person who I needed to speak to to get his stop corrected. When they got to his new stop the bus driver insisted he had to get off on that stop even after he explained that his mother and sitter were expecting him at the other stop. He thought he knew the way to the sitter from the new stop so started walking. Unfortunately, the wrong direction. He was missing for over an hour with his sitter, my husband, and his school principle driving around looking for him. I was stuck at working calling anywhere I could think of. He eventually realized his mistake, 15-20 blocks down) turned around and made it back to where he was dropped where he found those looking for him getting ready to call the police. Yes the principle yelled loud and long at the bus company for their screw up. He made an understandable mistake, and did the right thing once he realized. However, a cell phone would have allowed him to call the sitter from the random street corner the bus driver dropped him off at and there would never have been an issue.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

Ds2 is 11yo now and wants a phone. I won't allow one full time, but I am thinking of activating an old $10 tracfone so that he can ride his bike the half mile down quiet streets to his dad's. It'll also come in handy when we visit NYC, just in case we somehow got separated. But it will live in my sock drawer with the power off and he will only have it when he truly needs it. My kids are tech addicts and the last thing he needs is one more device to play with.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

"The same strategies will work now" Sure they work but that doesn't mean it works better. When I was 11, my parents spent hours and hours waiting around for me. I was limited on what activities I could do because of that. We didn't live in walking distance to anything and so I needed to be driven places. I carried tremendous guilt about rehearsals running late and being unable to tell them in time to stay home. My parents continually tell me how lucky I am to have kids in the days of cell phones lol. Like all things, there are positives and negatives. If going phoneless works for you that's great! For me personally, the family on phones gives us all more freedom and further aides in our communication. I sort of love getting a text between classes from my 16-year-old saying "don't let me forget, I have the funniest story from you." I like that my 12-year-old sends me funny pictures when he's out with his friends. I love that my own parents send me pictures from all their adventures. I love that my husband randomly texts that he misses me and can't wait to see me. It's a nicety for our family. I think relying on other people having cell phones is a little problematic. It tends to frustrate others. Not everyone has unlimited minutes or texts. In the end, others are paying for your preference of going phoneless. Just something to consider.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

My soon to be 13 yr old has a safelink phone. Its just a basic calling phone. He walks to swim club, he is home all day while I go to work, He does homeschool. He will be able to walk to the corner market and such this year. Like a PP poster said, I DO NOT want my child at the mercy of some stranger for a phone or help. I want him to be able to call if he needs to. DS had the phone for the past couple years, never goes over on minutes and its not a problem. I have a gadget phone which is our 'main' phone.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

For us it was. He's had a phone since he was 11.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> Are her day camps and other activities supervised by adults? If so, most of them will have cell phones and/or access to a land line, so if she needs to call you she will be able to do so.
> 
> ...


Many of the strategies here involve relying on strangers to provide assistance. I'd rather buy a $15 Tracfone and $10 of minutes every three months than to make my daughter dependent on others' goodwill. I also don't want her approaching strangers and announcing that she's alone with no way to call for help.


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## pt33333 (Jul 30, 2013)

My son was 11 when he got his first phone and that was only because he was going to start getting home from school on his own. He would be taking a public bus and getting home when I was still at work and would be home alone for an hour. If he missed the bus or was otherwise running late, there are no public phones in the downtown area where he caught the bus. I would be expecting a call from him within a certain time frame to let me know he made it home. I certainly did not want him relying on strangers to borrow a phone. And businesses aren't all that thrilled to let people use their phones, especially tweens. This was also around the same time when I felt I didn't need to stay and wait around during all of his sports practices and other activities, especially since it also meant his little sister hanging around with me. With the phone, he could let me know if practices were finishing early so I could come back for him and coaches (who are generally volunteers giving up their own time) wouldn't have to wait around longer than necessary for me to get him.

My daughter is 9 1/2. I don't have a hard and fast age rule on the phone. Like with my on, it will depend on when I feel it will be useful for her to have one. Pretty much when she is able to get around some on her own. I would guess it would be around 11, though.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

For us it is. DD1 is 10. In our circle, I don't know of one kid who is 9 and up who doesn't have some type of device at least capable of texting. Most have phones even if they are cheap phones, a couple have iPods touches with some type of app that allows texting on them.

She got a phone younger then most but for multiple reasons. We don't have a home phone. Her old, small school didn't have a school phone but instead you called the teacher's cell directly. We ran into problems with teacher's phones being dead or them not checking them and relying important messages like mom running late at work and DD1 needed to ride home with the neighbor. She is also a serious competitive athlete. Practices last hours and again I'm relying on the coach and their cell phone.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Well, I guess I was the parent that everyone else was rolling their eyes at. We gave our dc cell phones when they were 12 and 9 y.o. That was 8 years ago. At the time, I took a fair amount of flack for it from people who made the same arguments as EnviroBecca. We had good reasons though. Both dc were taking the school bus or public transportation. They were both involved in many extra-curricular activities. It was a convenience to everyone to be able to communicate directly when there were delays or changes of plans.

We tried relying on third parties (school secretaries etc.) to pass along messages. That was an immense failure. The fact is, the more people involved in passing along a message, the more likely the message will be mangled or undelivered. At minimum, I found those mangled or undelivered messages frustrating. In the worst scenario, it was downright dangerous.

A cell phone isn't a "necessity" like shelter, food and clothing. It is a convenience that can make life much easier for busy families. If your kids are with you almost 24/7, then it probably isn't worthwhile to get them cell phones.

It's funny, I'm still using one of those old, quaint flip phones from 8 years ago. My kids have moved on to my DH's hand-me-down smartphones (courtesy of his employer). I've noticed that they rarely use them as phones anymore. It's all about texting now.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

We gave DS a phone this year when he was 10. It's a cheapy basic one that has around $10 on it. It helps us let DS be free-range. Free range is and always has been our ideal But as DS goes to a school outside our neighborhood now, with kids he wants to play with outside our neighborhood, it became more of a necessity. Also, DS has a few activities (clay class, chess club) that he can go to on his own, as long as I know he'll call/text me when he's leaving and when he arrives. It gives me and DH peace of mind, but also gives DS peace of mind, as well. He knows if there's a problem he can get in touch.


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## Fortune Teller (Jan 28, 2013)

My daughter is 13 and does not have her own phone. There is just no circumstance in her life right now that warrants that, and frankly I just feel kids and cellphones are an obnoxious combo. (Hell, I think adults and cellphones are often obnoxious too!).

However, this week she is camping with her best friend's family over 3 hours away, and so I did send her with our spare phone to check in with me every day just to put my mind at ease (this is her first time away from home for more than a couple of days). Already I had to tell her to put the phone away and have some real fun, after she sent me 6 pictures in a row (of the campsite, nothing special) and a short video of her friend in a lounge chair.







I didn't send her camping so she could play with a phone the whole time!!

Her best friend, on the other hand, has had a phone for the past two years. My daughter has often had to ask her to put her phone away, because the girl couldn't stop texting and playing games during their time together, even at my kid's birthday party. I just don't want my daughter to fall into the same trap. Phones are an easy way out- Bored? check your phone. Needing human contact? check your phone (as opposed to seeking out real connection). I just think it's unhealthy, even for grown ups.

I have considered getting her a phone that is stripped down, and will probably be forced to do so next year when she goes to high school, but it won't be a fancy smart phone, and there will be rules in place for it's use.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

My sons got cell phones when they were 18, and headed off to college. Their dorm does not have land lines, and a cell phone was the only way I could reach them, or they could reach me. They are 75 miles from home.

DH has a cell phone; I borrow it if I'm traveling by myself. I don't have one.

I don't think kids "need" cell phones, but I can see where they would make parents feel more comfortable at times.

One of the problems with relying on a cell phone is that we get so dependent on them, we don't know how to deal with situations where the cell phone doesn't work (no service, battery is dead). Folks tend to panic If they can't reach their 11-yr-old on her cell phone because she forgot to charge it, or left it in her locker at school, or left it in her backpack at Mary's house when they went outside to play.

My neighbor, a high school teacher, told me a story yesterday about a young teacher at his school. He was complaining to my neighbor that he needed to contact someone, but wasn't able to do so because his cell phone was dead. Neighbor said "Dude, there is a telephone in EVERY room in the school!" This young guy was so stuck on his cell phone that using a land line simply did not occur to him.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead*
> 
> I don't think kids "need" cell phones, but I can see where they would make parents feel more comfortable at times.


I think this statement is pretty much the line between people who live in urban areas and people who don't. If I was living now in the town I grew up in, where there is no public transit except the school bus service that runs door to door for every kid up through high school, and we had a land line in the house, and DH and I didn't both work full time, I wouldn't feel that my kids needed phones.

We gave up our landline the day that the line fell to the sidewalk across the street, and the phone company told us it would take five days to get it repaired. I live in a city where kindergarteners are routinely assigned school bus stops half a mile from their homes. I have arranged for my elementary school child (age 6) not to be on that bus, but if he was on that bus, he would carry a phone now. Twelve year-olds in this city take the city buses to school, and I will want my child to have a phone when he reaches that stage.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead*
> 
> My neighbor, a high school teacher, told me a story yesterday about a young teacher at his school. He was complaining to my neighbor that he needed to contact someone, but wasn't able to do so because his cell phone was dead. Neighbor said "Dude, there is a telephone in EVERY room in the school!" This young guy was so stuck on his cell phone that using a land line simply did not occur to him.


If I were the young guy in that scenario, having a land line available wouldn't help because I don't know anyone's phone number anymore -- they're all stored on my cell phone!







I swear, that thing is like my brain's external hard drive.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> If I were the young guy in that scenario, having a land line available wouldn't help because I don't know anyone's phone number anymore -- they're all stored on my cell phone!
> 
> ...


LOL! This is so me! I can't remember anyone's phone number at all.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> I think this statement is pretty much the line between people who live in urban areas and people who don't.


Funny, I live in the "outlying suburbs" and I feel like my kid needs a phone in part because we're so rural, lol. There is no public transit so if her ride flakes she's stuck wherever she is, there aren't a lot of businesses that might have a phone she could use in an emergency, etc. We do agree that phones are potentially very useful for teens/tweens, though.

And as I wrote above, my kid does not have a fun phone with apps and a camera and a data plan and all that good stuff. She has a plain phone that talks and texts and doesn't really do much of that since I'm only willing to pay for the minimum number of minutes. It's not a distraction or an amusement. It's purely functional and it has come in very handy in situations that weren't quite *emergencies* but had the potential to go bad.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

We got one cell phone for the kids to share when they started becoming more independent. One of my kids has special needs, and the notion that she is going to *ask* to use someone's phone, be quickly able to figure it out (they are all different) and then remember my number was just more than I was willing to wager on, so handing her a phone, programming the numbers in, and making sure she knew how to use it made sense. Our other DD is a totally different kid, but there have been lots of times when I am quite happy for her to have a phone with her -- such as spending the night at a friend's house who we don't really know the whole family. Yes, this is about me feeling safer letting her have freedom, and no, she has never needed to use it to get an emergency ride out of a bad situation, but I'd rather give the kid a phone and freedom than to limit her ability to move about OR make myself crazy with worry.

When we got to the point that the needed a phone at the same time, we got another phone.

We have a family texting plan, and I love it. I love it that we all so easily can let each other know that we are running late, or need to pick up something from the store. Is it a need in the true sense of the word? no, but it sure is nice.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Okay, I see my point of view is unpopular, but maybe this is worth mentioning: The times when I am "relying on strangers to provide assistance" and "dependent on others' goodwill" are extremely infrequent, have never seemed to annoy the people, have never made me feel the slightest bit at risk, and generally increase my faith in humanity and sense of interconnectedness. I live in a relatively friendly city where cell-phone thefts are not very common, and I'm apparently a non-threatening-looking person, so I'm sure those are factors. But honestly, the last time I borrowed a phone from a stranger was more than 3 years ago; it's just so rarely necessary to make a phone call away from home or work. My child has never borrowed a stranger's phone; where I mentioned him borrowing a phone to ask permission to go to a friend's house, that's the friend's parent's phone--and if the friend's parent didn't have a cell phone, he's surrounded by other parents and older kids who do (people he knows, not strangers) or it's possible to go into the school and use the phone in the office.

It's true that by occasionally borrowing a cell phone I am taking advantage of the fact that other people are willing to put their $50/month or whatever, their electricity, their diligence in carrying and maintaining the phone, etc., toward their having that phone that I can borrow. I don't want to pay for and bother with that myself, so maybe it's wrong for me to ask them to share? But a lot of people don't carry Band-aids with them at all times, and I do, and if I see someone who just got a small injury I'll stop and offer them a Band-aid; that seems like about the same kind of thing, and I don't resent it in the slightest; I actually like helping. My impression when I've borrowed phones is that the people felt good about getting a chance to help someone. If I'd encountered a lot of resentment or suspicion, I wouldn't be considering this a viable option.

I didn't say that the strategies that allowed all of us to survive in the pre-cell-phone era are BETTER than using cell phones, just that they still work and I don't think using cell phones is always better than using those other strategies. In particular, a lot of people I know these days do not make plans about when and where to meet, assuming they'll locate each other using their phones--and then if there's no cell service in the area or a phone goes wrong, they're completely lost. As for not knowing anybody's phone number, that idea terrifies me--what if your phone gets lost or stolen or broken, and you can't contact anyone you know? Nothing to LOL about, I think, but I guess I'm just afraid of different things than you are.

Clarification: My child doesn't go to the PARK alone. He stays in the schoolyard playing with his friends for a while after school, then walks home, sometimes alone and sometimes with his friend who lives across the street. He and his friends like to go to the park after school on Fridays, but they always have parents along for that, and we expect to keep that up for another couple of years. However, if I saw a 7-year-old in that park alone who was not causing any trouble or in any distress, I certainly would not call the police about it.

It seems to me that problems like JollyGG detailed are the fault of organizations that are supposed to be supervising children and taking them places in a predictable manner, failing to do it correctly. I can understand deciding that you want your kid to have a phone so you can avoid the confusion and worry that result, but even so I think it's crucial to ALSO expect and demand that the bus company (or whatever entity is being irresponsible with your child) get their act together. (It's great that your son's principal was directly involved in resolving the problem and took a strong stand.) It bothers me that I hear some parents these days assuming they can't expect that, for example, a coach who decides to end practice early will stick around until all the kids are on their way home, or that if their child is going to a friend's house they don't dare ask for the friend's parent's phone number in case they need to reach their child.

I have commuted by public transit every workday for 16 years. For more than 3 years my toddler/preschooler and I rode 2 buses each way every day. Yes, I sometimes get home later than expected because of transit problems--or a tree fallen across the road or some other obstacle between work and home--and once in a while that causes significant inconvenience, like we're late getting to some evening activity and I didn't get any dinner before it. That's life. A cell phone wouldn't get me home any faster; it would only let me tell my family to go ahead without me--a convenience, not a necessity, and something they can decide to do at a certain point without my contacting them; they can leave me a note. We are pretty good at not worrying when someone is a little late. Again, I think it's a matter of what you choose to fear.

I do agree that if there is no land line in your home, your kids need a phone if they are home alone, in case of emergency. Same thing with living in a dorm where there is no land line.


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## michelleepotter (Apr 8, 2013)

I don't feel cell phones are ever *necessary*. Phones are not *necessary* - food, water, shelter, warmth, and love are necessary. But, cell phones are very useful. The extent to which that is true, and the age, is different for each family. It's totally possible to get by without one, but no reason not to if it would make your life easier.

We bought our oldest a cell phone when she was 12. Her other mom doesn't always have a phone, either landline or cell, and we didn't want to be unable to contact our daughter for days at a time. Now we don't have a landline, and I wouldn't want to leave the kids home without any kind of phone at all.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> If my neighbors saw an unescorted 7 yo at the park, they'd call the cops. So would I.


Wow, where did that come from? No one in this thread said anything about sending a 7yo to the park alone, and even if they did, what's up with the judgment when you yourself are talking about giving your kid more independence by giving them a phone?

If that's how you respond to a child playing in a park, I hope you stay out of my neighborhood, where kids as young as six (mine and others) enjoy the park without adults all summer and all weekend. Of course, if you did call the cops on my kids, they and CPS would probably say the same thing they did last time, which is that we did nothing wrong, and they wish people would stop overreacting so resources could be focused on kids who actually need them.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> As for not knowing anybody's phone number, that idea terrifies me--what if your phone gets lost or stolen or broken, and you can't contact anyone you know? Nothing to LOL about, I think, but I guess I'm just afraid of different things than you are.


Well, I exaggerated a bit -- I know the phone numbers of a few close people. It's just that I don't dial numbers anymore (I just tap a contact name) so the numbers don't stick in my head like they used to. I also keep a physical address book at home, and my cellular contact list backs up to the cloud, so I could access it from any computer. But if I needed to get a hold of a specific non-close person, like the parent of one of DS's friends, and my cell phone got stolen, I was away from home, their number was unlisted, and I didn't have access to a computer, yeah, I'd be unable to call them. But that's not really different than it used to be in the old days -- you wouldn't typically carry your address book around with you, so phone calls to those outside your inner circle would have to wait until you were home.

That said, I think you make a lot of good points. My kids don't have cell phones (but they're only 5 and 8), and I have no intention of getting them phones any time soon. The whole "I'll call/text you when I get there so we can meet up" annoys me, although I do see its usefulness. I hate having to have my phone handy so that someone can give me a play-by-play of their drive instead of us just setting a time/place and me assuming there's a 15-minute window to allow for traffic, etc. I don't need 7 texts explaining that you're leaving, oh wait the littlest one had to go potty so NOW you're leaving, ugh there's traffic, oh wait it seems to be clearing, by the way should you pick up some snacks, you forgot change for the toll booth so you had to go the long way, and now you're pulling up. And after all of that, you still get here within the same damned 15-minute window during which I would have expected you anyway!!!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

All my phone numbers are in my google contacts list, so I can get them from The Cloud or wherever Google keeps them from anywhere if I lose my phone.

I've never been good at remembering phone numbers, or any numbers. I mix up the digits all the time. I have trouble with PINs too.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Cell phones are pretty much required for my work. I hate talking on the phone, I'm not sure I could even be friends with someone I can't text lol


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## justmama (Dec 24, 2002)

My 13 year old has a prepaid cell that gets 100minutes per month. If she goes over and I don't have a way to reach her, she must put minutes on with her own money. If she doesn't have money, she must do chores to earn money to put minutes on. She's had it about a year now. It doesn't do anything other than call or text. It doesn't have any games and she really has to watch her minutes so she doesn't go over so she texts infrequently. I got it originally because of all the places she's been going without me recently like after school programs, walking to the bus stop alone, helping watch her sisters for 15minutes or so and we don't have a home phone. This summer I've tasked her with watching her two younger sisters(8 and 5) for 10-20 minutes every morning while I drop off two children I watch at camp. It's less than 2miles and so I feel safe doing that only if she has a way to contact me. There are strict rules of course but having no home phone I wouldn't feel safe leaving them alone. The phone has also been great for times she wants to ask me last minute if she can attend an after school program or when I am stuck in traffic trying to get home to get her off the bus.


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

My 13 year old does not have a cell phone and it has never been a problem. He takes the school bus to school - a couple of times the bus has been delayed and I got a text from the school system. When he is not with me, he is usually at school (with teachers/phones), at sports practices (with coaches/phones), at a friends house (with adult supervision/phones), or at our house with our landline. He does have an IPod and he uses it to text his friends because texting seems to be how they make plans and he bought it with his own money and there is no montly expense because it operates off of our existing wireless. A couple of times he has gone to the frozen yogurt place or generally riding his bike around the neighborhood and I gave him my phone. Honestly, my husband who commutes into DC from the suburbs on the train everyday for nearlyl 20 years has only had a phone for a couple of years. We will get him a phone next year for Christmas so that he has one going into high school because I do think that he will have more social freedom and that it will be convenient for afterschool activities. I don't roll my eyes at anyone who has decided it is convenient, but I do sort of roll my eyes at the idea of it as a necessity.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Dylan just got his first cell phone; he's 15. His sister got a smart phone and gave her old phone to Dylan.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Michelle, the 7 yo at the park thing was a response to EnviroBecca's first post on this thread, and really wasn't about judgment. It was intended as a partial illustration of the fact that different things are safe and appropriate in different places.

Like EnviroBecca, I've commuted via public transit for my entire working life. My experience differs from hers, however, in that if a bus breaks down here, they kick you off to just wait for the next bus, even if that's not scheduled for a long time. There are plenty of places where, if my teen or preteen was off the bus there, I'd want to get a cab and go get them. There's also a big difference in my reaction when dh or another adult is delayed, and my reaction when a child I'm responsible for drops off the radar for a few hours. The cause may be the same, but my reaction is not.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I think, in most cases, young kids getting cell phones is the result of parents being willing to pay for the convenience and peace of mind that comes with being able to contact a child directly. As others have said, it's a benefit to the parents as much as it is the kids.

I have nothing but respect for EnviroBecca's stance on the issue. Clearly she has reasons for not wanting to have cell phones and so she has found ways to get around it. All families have different values, and I do believe it is entirely possible for kids to get along without them.

Me, however, I love technology and anything that makes my life simpler. I have no issue with kids using smartphones, etc. and I see how they use it as an issue that is more about where the child is at than the fact that they have a phone. My daughter just turned 11 and we are going to get her a cell phone because she is now engaging in activities where it would be handy for her to be able to text us and she is a pretty responsible kid. It is more for my peace of mind than anything else. She will be required to pay for some of it, probably the data plan since I want to be able to phone and text her. And that is because it is a good life experience to do so, good practice for having bills to pay, etc.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

I also think a 'preteen' at 10-12 is different than a child at 7-8 getting a cell phone. At 7-8 my kid wouldn't be responsible enough for a phone but at 10-12 he is just fine with it. He has way more freedoms now that he is older etc.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

With pay phones and land lines in general becoming rare, I can see cell phones for any child old enough (as defined by the parents and local/state laws) to be without supervision either at home or in public. It just was a non issue with our girls simply because when they were children, land lines and pay phones were the norm. We still have a land line at home (it's my work phone) so Dylan being home alone wasn't an issue. But last year, Dylan started needing to use other people's cell phones to contact me so we said yes when his sister offered him her old cell phone. All of our cell phones are on pre-pay plans. Dylan and dh can text on theirs but mine can't and none of us have internet access.


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## EllieM (Aug 1, 2013)

As a parent you must weigh in the health ramifications of cell phone use by children and teens. Yes, they are convenient and there is a safety element involved. However, excellent independent studies and even some industry funded studies have shown that cell phones are causing cancer wherever they are held. The World Health Organization classified this radiation a possible human carcinogen based on an increase in lethal brain tumors associated with mobile phone use.

So while your may think you are keeping your child safe by giving them a cell phone, you may be jeopardizing their future health. And children and teens do absorb more of the radiation that an adult. The American Academy of Pediatrics has expressed their concern recently as have many doctors worldwide.

If you do give your child a cell phone it should be with strict stipulations. They should use it only for emergencies and they should never hold it to their head or keep it on while in their pockets or bra. Read the user manual with them as each one does say that in order to not exceed the exposure limit the phone should be held a certain distance from the body. The iphone now hides that info in the phone and does not give the consumer a manual! According to Pew Research 87% of teens sleep with their phones under their pillows or near their head- THE PHONE SHOULD BE TAKEN OUT OF THEIR ROOM AT NIGHT.

Many countries have banned the marketing of cell phones to children; some have banned the use. The United States is far behind as they continue to allow industry to call the shots. Similar to GMO labeling- we want the hidden warnings posted at the point of sale so that parents can make informed choices for their families. The telecom industry is vehemently fighting this and unfortunately because they have money on their side, they are winning.

So, please try to strike a balance. And stress to your children about how things they use now can affect their health in the future. Brain tumors have a long latency period. Please err on the side of caution. For more info go to www.ehtrust.org and www.cabta.org. We do not advocate against the use of this valuable technology- we do advocate for the industry to make safer equipment and for our government to step to the plate also- this is a ubiquitous device used by millions and as advertised and used now they are not safe.


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## Cushla (Jul 22, 2013)

I decided to pass on my obsolete but functioning Nokia phone to my 8 year old when she started catching the bus to and from school. For two reasons: if the bus breaks down (and it has) and is left stranded and secondly, if she's ever in a situation that she finds uncomfortable, she has the peace of mind that I'm just a phone call away. It is pre-paid, and I top up the account every 12 months. It is not turned on and it is just there if she needs to use it as precaution. She's not permitted to call her friends or use the credit for any other purpose than in an emergency. It is a comfort to me to know that she can reach me if she needs to. As she gets older, we will be more relaxed with how she can use it, but as a 9.5 year old, I think this arrangement works well for us.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

My older two are 12.5 and almost 11 and I am considering either getting one for them to share or one for each of them. Future shop (Canada) has a basic pay as you go phone on sale for $30 right now so I could pick 2 up very cheaply. My son (the oldest) doesn't really have need of one bc he doesn't do any lessons, someone always drives the kids to school (private school 20 minutes away), and he isn't allowed to walk through the neighbourhood by himself but I wouldn't feel right about getting one for his younger sister and not him. My oldest daughter is involved in tons of activities (competitive gymnastics, choir, theatre, student government, etc) and it would be very beneficial for her to have one. It would just be a basic phone for sure - no texting or internet access. They are going into 6th and 7th grade and I have told them when they get to highschool I will get them a phone with texting and data.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zebra15*
> 
> I also think a 'preteen' at 10-12 is different than a child at 7-8 getting a cell phone. At 7-8 my kid wouldn't be responsible enough for a phone but at 10-12 he is just fine with it. He has way more freedoms now that he is older etc.


Depends on the kid. My 8 yr old is very responsible while my 10 yr old is not.


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.

Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If "everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If "everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


Okay, *this* is just a ton of judgment.

I would want my preteens to have phones in case of emergency, and for my convenience. They aren't tracking devices. I just want to be sure that if there's a jumper on the subway, or the bus breaks down on Murder Mile or the local equivalent, they can call for a ride. Plus, have I mentioned we canceled our land line? If something caught fire while I was at the grocery store, I'd want the kids to have access to 911.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If "everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


I used pay phones, and they just aren't around like they used to be. It was the disappearance of pay phones that caused ME to get my OWN cell phone.

One of my kids is in college, and and the other plans to go. We are far more into study for the long term rather than "if you want it, pay for it." That just isn't how we approach anything.

I don't have any harsh words for a parent who can't or won't get their child a cell phone. I'm fine with your child using mine. No big deal.

Why are you so hateful toward people who make another choice? Your child will most likely end up using someone else's phone to call you at some point, and you are deeming that parent a failure.

You are actually counting on other parents doing this, and yet judging them for doing it.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If "everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


Eh, you could say that about any technology. It's not a necessity for survival -- same with lots and lots of other stuff that many people find convenient and useful enough to allow/pay for. My kids don't have cell phones, but if another parent decides it's a convenience worth having, and doesn't mind paying for it, then it's no skin off my nose.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If "everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


Simple--pay phones were every where. Outside the library, at every gas station, every strip mall, every grocery store, etc. And calling only took a dime. Everyone had a land line. There were more stay at home moms (not that that was what they were called). At least in my neighborhood and those moms had no second thoughts about letting the neighbor kids call home on their phones. Heck, they wouldn't think twice about calling my parents if they saw me doing something I shouldn't have been doing, after yelling at me to knock it off. I anticipate my grandchildren getting a shared cell phone by the time they start being home alone. None of my daughters have land lines.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

in my situation the cell phone was not for anything else - but my peace of mind.

no dd didnt need the cell phone. she got hers a long time ago due to different reasons.

however i discovered dd having a cell phone gave me peace of mind.

but now having had the cell phone and testing out certain situations, i find it is not necessary. at 10 dd went sight seeing, to a movie, eating out, windowshopping all by herself on public transportation. without a phone. without a watch. multiple times. in a new city on vacation.

not having a cell phone on her as a life line i think actually provided her more of a moral boost in this experience.

she'd left the cell phone at home.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Both of my kids got cell phones at the point they started walking to and from school on their own -- DD was 9 and DS was 12. When I switched to being full-time employed, I wanted them to have a phone in case of emergency. They also spend a fair amount of time at sports practice, theater rehearsals and such and I want them to be able to call me if necessary without having to bother the adults around them to use a phone. And if something really awful happened (this is So. CA so for us it's "the big one" monster earthquake) I would want them to maybe be able to reach me without waiting for the other 25 kids to use the phone at where ever they are.

So yes, more for my convenience and peace of mind than any real "need" for them. I view their cell phones the same way I viewed other safety measures as they were growing up - cabinet latches and pool covers, for example. "Need them"? Well, no, families certainly did without them for ages. But did they make my life easier and more comfortable? Yep. Some thing now that they are older, just the tools are different.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

I do like my dd having a cell phone. We just have a tracfone--no monthly plan. We pay enough to keep it in service and available for basic use. If she wants more minutes, she buys them. She got it at 11, but it didn't really get used a whole lot that first year. Now, she does so many things independently that I really like being able to touch base with her and for her to be able to call us if needed.

Amy


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> Until my kids can afford to pay for one on their own, their not having one. If *"everyone else has one," then it should be no problem to borrow a friend's phone in the event of an emergency. And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.*


Nice, your kids will never go anywhere with out you and never have an emergency. If they do they can rely on the good nature of their friends whose parents did buy them a cell phone. Weird


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Lol yep, wanting ds1 to have the freedom to communicate with his dad who I'm divorced from totally makes me a failure of a parent. Wanting to be able to call him while he's babysitting in homes that don't have a landline totally makes me a failure as a parent *rolls eyes*


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> One has to wonder how we all survived long enough to produce children of our own without the "necessity" of cell phones.
> 
> And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


We also survived without antibiotics, automobiles, dishwashers, central heating, and the Internet. Doesn't mean we can't find them extremely useful.

I don't think anybody here said they "need" a cellphone, nor did anyone say they use it to "keep track of their kids" as if there were a trust issue and the kids need GPS tracking or something lest they knock over a convenience store. It's just really, really convenient.

Attacking peoples' parenting is never a good way to engage in productive discussions.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sharlla*
> 
> Lol yep, wanting ds1 to have the freedom to communicate with his dad who I'm divorced from totally makes me a failure of a parent. Wanting to be able to call him while he's babysitting in homes that don't have a landline totally makes me a failure as a parent *rolls eyes*


What? Can't he just walk to pay phone? If you were a good parent you'd be able to communicate telepathically.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> What? Can't he just walk to pay phone? If you were a good parent you'd be able to communicate telepathically.


Lmao I don't even know where a pay phone is.


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## Penelope1212 (Aug 4, 2013)

All parents should be aware that the research is increasing that cell phones cause serious health effects. Please read what I have to say.

If you choose BPA free toys and breastfeed and generally try to live in a healthy natural way you should know these facts.

1. Due to increased Brain cancer in heavy users with over ten years of use the WHO has deemed cell phone radiation a Class 2 B carcinogen. Adults who started useing cel phones as teen had a Four to Six times as much increase in brain cancer.

2. Compared with adults, research on children shows that microwave radiation is absorbed twice as much into their brain, up to triple in their brain's hippocampus and hypothalamus and up to ten times as much into the bone marrow of skull. This information has prompted the American Academy of Pediatrics to ask the FCC to reconsider the current safety standards"

3. Cell phone radiation is also associated with oxidative stress, DNA damage, decreased melatonin and damaged immune system function.

John Wargo, Ph.D., professor of Environmental Risk and Policy at Yale University and lead author of the EHHI Cell Phone Report, said, "The scientific evidence is sufficiently robust showing that cellular devices pose significant health risks to children and pregnant women. The weight of the evidence supports stronger precautionary regulation by the federal government. The cellular industry should take immediate steps to reduce emission of electromagnetic radiation (EMR) from phones and avoid marketing their products to children."

For the Environment and Human Health Report on the State of Science around cell phone radiation please go to http://www.ehhi.org/reports/cellphones/

4. The Environmental Trust is a great resource to learn about precautions that parents should take with children and cell phones. Dr Darvis is a renowned epidimiologist and toxicologist raising awareness on this issue and all should hear what she has to say.

http://ehtrust.org/leading-epidemiologists-conclude-that-cell-and-cordless-phone-radiation-is-a-probable-human-carcinogen/

Mothering Magazine really should do an article on this because pregnany woman should be aware of this issue and not keep the cell phone in their pocket... or in the pocket of their ERGO carrier as I did for both my children.

The Environmental Working Group has a lot of details on their website as well.

http://www.ewg.org/enviroblog/2012/12/cell-phone-radiation-may-alter-brain-dna

Healthy Child Healthy World did a did a recent piece http://healthychild.org/cell-phones-radiation-your-childs-health/

Thank you for raising this question. Please read more parents. Remember these simple tips:

1. Use speakerphone or a headset and minimize cell phone calls

2. Do not keep phones in your pocket or on your body

3. Do not use the phone in the car where radiation can be higher.

4. Turn off WIFI at night or better yet.. use a wire to your computer

5. Talk to parents you know and share this information.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sharlla*
> 
> Lol yep, wanting ds1 to have the freedom to communicate with his dad who I'm divorced from totally makes me a failure of a parent. Wanting to be able to call him while he's babysitting in homes that don't have a landline totally makes me a failure as a parent *rolls eyes*


That's why I got a cell phone. None of my girls have land lines. So when I would babysit the grandkids, they would have to leave me one of their cell phones. But that only works if they are going out together.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sharlla*
> 
> Lmao I don't even know where a pay phone is.


I'm not sure that my grandkids even know what a pay phone looks like.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Funny...we ran accross a pay phone yest and my kids thought it was the coolest thing ever! Go figure.


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## Penelope1212 (Aug 4, 2013)

Important information!


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

My kids will have cell phones as soon as they are able to play on our farm while Im in the house. When I was a kid, we had walkie talkies whenever we went places like camping or in the woods, but because of our hills cheap walkie talkies dont work. In case of an accident, Id want to be able to reach them for sure without having to wander 12 acres. Also, Id probably use it for things like calling to give them warnings about how much longer till dinner, etc. We don't have a landline, and don't ever plan to get one. Basically, my kids are young enough that I know that cell phones, or some other technology will be primary forms of communication when you are not face-to-face with your kid. I mean, that's already the case- look at all the teens that hate talking to their parents but will text with them.

When I was a teenager, we got away with A LOT of stuff that my little sisters could never get away with. You know why? Because we could always use the excuse that we were somewhere with no phone (like we went out to eat, or we went to the movies, etc). My sisters are required to check in everytime they change locations, and my parents always know/knew where they were. A few years ago, my SIL didnt answer her mom's calls or texts for 3 hours and MIL went looking for her, only to find her drunk and passed out at a party (behavior, btw, that she would NEVER have done, and everyone thought she was such a good girl and making all the right decisions.). When I was in middle/high school, I could have gone way longer than that before anyone came looking for me because there wasnt the expectation of constant communication.

Im not saying it's awesome, or that I like it- but it's the way the world is working right now and you can either get with it, or depend on other people.


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## Alexsandra (Apr 25, 2013)

Depends on a number of things.

Ds was interested in business from age 4 or 5. At 12-13, I gave him a choice as to how he thought it would be wise for us to use the money for a cell phone: "We can do 'X' amount every 6 months or a year. Or sacrifice 'Y' . . . Or, you can pick out a cell phone for Xmas or birthday." He continued to leave me written notes, planned well, or last resort if he was going to be late, borrowed someone's phone (or he could have used the school's phone). I was a single mom.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OldFashionedGirl*
> 
> And if you "need" a phone to keep track of your kid, you're failing as a parent.


Wow - that's a bit judgmental.

My kids shared a tracfone at 9 & 11, when they were getting more involved in afterschool activities and spending some time home alone between their getting home and my getting off work. At 10 & 12, when they were usually off in different directions, I got a second so that each had one. At 15 & 13, they had both shown that they were responsible with their phones/usage, so I passed the tracfones on to my parents and added the kids to my plan. At 19 & 21, they both now have iPhones. The youngest got a smartphone at 16 - and it really was a necessity IMO based on her activities. My oldest only got his this past spring when he needed an upgrade as his other phone was pretty well shot. I just got one a few weeks ago (when my dog ate my dumbphone).

COULD I have contacted them/tracked them down w/o cell phones or vice-versa? Sure. But it would have been more hassle for all concerned. I don't think that makes me a "failure" as a parent, thank you very much.


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## ILoveMyBabyBird (Sep 2, 2006)

Ds is 7 and I anticipate he will get one about 11 because he will be allowed to stay home alone around that time and we don't have landlines at xdh or my home. I would not feel safe leaving him alone in the home without a way to call for emergencies, even if it were for 10 mins.


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## ILoveMyBabyBird (Sep 2, 2006)

exactly, how many times has a babysitter came to my home or xdh and they had their own phone thank goodness because landlines are history for us. And being divorced does add another dimension to the mix!

And as for borrowing a parents cell phone, what, in an off chance, the other parent, coach etc, is an issue, giving the child flack or being inappropriate. Sorry but it happens all the time both male and FEMALE parents being inappropriate with teens and preteens, I would like my Ds and DD someday to have their own indpendence.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *stormborn*
> 
> Funny...we ran accross a pay phone yest and my kids thought it was the coolest thing ever! Go figure.


I have tried to explain the idea of a public phone that takes money and my daughter immediately saw the flaw in that - but we never carry money!


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## bthuntamerc (Jun 11, 2013)

My daughter is only 2, so I could change my perspective, but this is my policy:

No cell phone until age 16, and they must have a job and pay for a portion of the cost. Also, no texting if they also drive. Before 16, they can have a phone that only calls 911, myself, and my husband, in case of emergency.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> My daughter is only 2, so I could change my perspective, but this is my policy:
> 
> No cell phone until age 16, and they must have a job and pay for a portion of the cost. Also, no texting if they also drive. Before 16, they can have a phone that only calls 911, myself, and my husband, in case of emergency.


This makes zero sense to me. Why 16? What if they have the money to pay for it before then? Would you forbid them to spend their own money on it?

Why would it be an issue to you for a 15 year old to speak to a friend on the phone? How is that a big deal? Will they be allowed to use a land line? What is the difference?

Why can't they text if they drive, as long as they are doing them at different times. My 16 year old drives. She also texts. She never does both at once. (They now make new drivers watch lots and lots of films about what happens to people who text and drive).

If you do give your child a phone with the very limited calling rules, will you really check all the time to make sure that they don't use it to do something horrid like call a friend? For a child with no troubling behaviors, that seems really invasive to me. I don't go through my kids backpacks. I don't read their diaries or notes from friends, and I don't go through their cell phones. Big exception if the parent fears the teen is involved in drugs/suicidal/etc, otherwise, I believe that routine invasion of privacy just erodes a parent/teen relationship.

My kids actual phones were gifts for either birthday or Christmas, and most people buy their children gifts. I honestly don't see what the big deal is about the cost of the actual phone (especially for basic phones). Our bill is a FAMILY plan. I understand that everyone's finances are different and am not knocking a family for whom an addition cell line is a big deal. However, if paying for the additional isn't a financial big deal, why it is a big deal otherwise? I pay for all sorts of things for my teens -- things they need, things they enjoy, things that fall into a grey area of sorta of need but could mostly get a cheaper one, etc.

My parents made it very clear to me that the HATED spending money on me and that they felt I didn't deserve anything. It made me feel like they thought I was worthless. I don't do that to my kids. Our family's resources are for our whole family.


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## clh5117 (Aug 5, 2013)

I haven't read all of the replies, but I'll give my opinion on this.

While I don't think that it's a necessity, I do believe that they are a great invention when it comes to having an extra safety precaution. Before cell phones if my car had broken down on the side of the road I would have had to walk to find a pay phone which could have been miles upon miles, leaving me vulnerable to an attack. And that was if I knew where I was going in the first place, if I was in an unfamiliar town I may not even know which way to walk to find the nearest pay phone or gas station. Having a cell phone can make these situations less dangerous. Same for our children. I see no problem with kids having cell phones when they are going to be out as a safety precaution, but I don't think they need to have one 24/7 and they definitely don't need smart phones!

I have no real problem with it as much as I don't think that cell phones are completely healthy for us. Instead I would want my kids to use a tethered landline, which is what we have in the home. It's just my thoughts


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

An additional food for thought. DS is in middle school. Last year the school went into lockdown. Each student was allowed to text one pre-set phrase to their parent. It said "School in lockdown, I'm safe". Then they all had to put phones away so they weren't distracted from emergency instructions and teachers weren't distracted as they followed the situation. They were only allowed to send one, so DS couldn't have sent one for his friend and the teacher couldn't send one to parents.

I was so glad I knew that something was up, that DS was safe for the moment, and I should watch the news coverage. Without a phone, I wouldn't have known and would have been even more terrified when I heard the news since its always "a local school in the X neighborhood is in emergency lockdown because..."


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Last night DD1 called me from the bathroom of a friend's house with her cell where there were some inappropriate behaviors going on. She called to ask me to come get her out of there. There was no landline, her friend didn't have a phone, the nearest store was 7 miles away. She would of had to ask one of the adults whose behaviors were making her uncomfortable if she didn't have her cell. No one is going to convince me that her having her own phone that I require she takes everywhere with her, is nothing else besides a very useful tool.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> My daughter is only 2, so I could change my perspective, but this is my policy:
> 
> No cell phone until age 16, and they must have a job and pay for a portion of the cost. Also, no texting if they also drive. Before 16, they can have a phone that only calls 911, myself, and my husband, in case of emergency.


Yeah...pretty sure your perspective will change. At least I hope so. I remember being the parent of one toddler and I had so many rules and guidelines and things I knew I was going to do one way or another. Things change when you actually start to realize that your kids are real people with their own needs and wants. The rules you are saying honestly sound ridiculous to me. Especially because your daughter won't be 16 for another 14 years and cell phone use will be way more prevalent. My little bit of parenting advice would be don't set so many rules for how you're going to do stuff a decade from now.


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## bthuntamerc (Jun 11, 2013)

I never said I would invade their privacy or check their call logs, I meant that their phone literally would only be capable of calling a few emergency contacts (these plans exist). I also do not allow my kids to have computers or TVs in bedrooms or private areas. I am not a controlling parent. I spoil my girl all the time, and I allow her a lot of freedom as long as she obeys basic rules about safety and polite behavior. Yes, we will have an available land line, and most schools, churches, friends, etc. have phones that can be used when needed. I simply believe that technology should be limited. I place my emphasis on children completing homework and chores and then relying mostly on interpersonal interaction, physical activities, books, etc. for entertainment. I think it's unhealthy to be glued to a screen for too long. I am flexible. If my child makes a convincing argument for why they need a cell phone, I may change my mind. I just think it's a good idea to have some idea of how you'll handle a situation before it comes up so you're not totally unprepared.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> I also do not allow my kids to have computers or TVs in bedrooms or private areas. ... I simply believe that technology should be limited. I place my emphasis on children completing homework and chores and then relying mostly on interpersonal interaction, physical activities, books, etc. for entertainment. I think it's unhealthy to be glued to a screen for too long...


My kids didn't have internet or TV in their rooms when they were 2. At this time, both my kids own portable devices capable of internet or video and they both use them without us looking over their shoulders. However, I admit that internet capabilities in a bedroom was privilege earned in the mid teens, not as children.

I think that eventually you will need to lighten up or you will end up with a rough relationship with your teens, and that they will move out the minute they can. The rules you have in mind are fine for children, but really over the top for highschoolers.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

My parents did not allow me to have a television or a telephone in my bedroom when I was a teenager. (Internet and cell phones weren't yet available.) It was not "over the top" although the majority of my friends had one or both of these things. I was allowed to watch TV in the family room without supervision and to use the telephone in the kitchen without anyone purposely listening in. (There was one incident when my mom picked up another extension and overheard something, and others when my parents overheard something I said that they felt they needed to talk to me about--but I believe these truly were accidents rather than spying on me. They could have overheard me if I were talking on a phone, even a cell phone, in my own room, as the walls are very thin in that house.) There were times when I would have liked to have more privacy and/or quiet for my TV or phone use, but it wasn't a big big deal. Actually, I've never had a TV in my bedroom in my whole life--although I do sometimes watch video on my iPad while lying on my bed now--if watching TV alone was such an important need for maturing humans, I would've bought a TV for my dorm room the second I could find one cheap enough, wouldn't you think? Meh. I had my first Internet access when I started college and was much more interested in that--even though I had to use it in a public computer cluster.

I agree with Bthuntamerc: It's a good idea to plan how you want to handle issues that will come up as your children grow, but to be flexible about changing your plan as your children present good arguments or circumstances change. The process of thinking through what you want your family life to be like is valuable even if you end up changing the specifics. I know I'm really, really, really glad that I had "plans" for how to give birth, for how to feed and diaper my baby, for how my baby would sleep, for how my partner and I would share child-raising tasks, for going back to my job, for my child's bedtime routine, for allowance, for homework, for teaching kitchen skills, etc. etc. etc. I have had to rethink SOME parts of some of those plans, but the core principles and a lot of the details have stayed intact, and it's been really good to feel like I know what I'm doing instead of having to wing it all the time.

Heavenly: We can't take for granted that cell phones will be more prevalent in the future. If it turns out they really do cause brain cancer or have any other serious health or environmental consequence that gradually becomes obvious, communication technology will shift drastically. Another possibility is that text messages of various kinds will become much more popular than voice communication. A lot of people 15-25 years old tell me they communicate almost entirely by text and email.

Evan & Anna's Mom wrote:

Quote:


> DS is in middle school. Last year the school went into lockdown. Each student was allowed to text one pre-set phrase to their parent. It said "School in lockdown, I'm safe". Then they all had to put phones away so they weren't distracted from emergency instructions and teachers weren't distracted as they followed the situation. They were only allowed to send one, so DS couldn't have sent one for his friend and the teacher couldn't send one to parents.
> 
> I was so glad I knew that something was up, that DS was safe for the moment, and I should watch the news coverage. Without a phone, I wouldn't have known and would have been even more terrified when I heard the news since its always "a local school in the X neighborhood is in emergency lockdown because..."


I'm glad he was safe and you knew not to worry--for that moment--although since that's how you knew you "should" watch the news, it seems to me it was also the moment when you DID worry. I think the school's policy was wise ***for those students and teachers who do have cell phones*** but it is a massive leap from there to the idea that every family is obligated to provide their child with a phone just in case of this situation and that the school couldn't possibly inform other families in any way. My son's school would have done a phone message using an autodialer (we get the voice recordings; I think they also have a text option you can sign up for) and it would have taken a secretary a few minutes to inform all 700 families. It calls our home land line, and my partner works from home, so he would then call me--or if he wasn't home, as soon as I heard the news, I would use my office land line to call my home voice mail system and listen to the message. Technology can work for us even if we don't all carry it in our own pockets at all times.

I work for a psychiatric hospital, but my research study's offices actually are in another building half a mile from the main hospital. Last year there was a shooting rampage in the hospital, and my building was locked down. This didn't affect me really as I would have been in the building the whole time anyway. However, knowing that my family and long-distance friends might hear the news and recognize the name of the hospital but not know that I wasn't in that building, I sent an email. (Email to multiple recipients is a lot faster than calling everyone, so it seems to me like the better choice if you have the option.)

When there's any possibility that anyone I love might be involved in a dangerous situation that I know to be happening, of course I am concerned. But I have suffered so much unnecessary worry from people telling me about dangerous situations that turned out NOT to affect anyone I knew! (I grew up in Oklahoma and still have family there. The way I learned about the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing and every major tornado that's hit Oklahoma was that some well-meaning person grabbed me, or called me, to gasp, "Is your family okay?!") The odds of a false alarm are much higher than the odds that a news-making disaster actually involves anyone you know. So I'd kind of rather not worry unless/until there's really something to worry about. If my child's school is locked down, yes, it's good to know that my child is having an upsetting experience at this moment so I can pray for him...but if he's actually okay, so far, then being alerted that the school is locked down instantly gives me something to worry about yet something I can do nothing whatsoever about, except prayer. Unless I can maintain constant communication with him (and as you said, there are good reasons to put the phones away) there is no way of knowing if or when something happens to him after the first message. I would really kind of rather have a call from the police or hospital telling me exactly what's happened to my child be my first notification IF anything actually happened to my child, than get a message that says essentially, "I'm okay for now, but better start worrying frantically!!" and find that when I respond to that message he doesn't get back to me at all so that could mean he's hurt or could mean he's put away his phone and there's no way of knowing, and watch the news that says, "Six children were killed," and not know if my child is one of them and aaaaaaaaaaaiiiigghhhhhhh, you know? It's not that I DON'T want to hear from any loved one who's able to contact me at a frightening moment, but that hearing from him has negative effects as well as positive, so I can't really see it as such a good thing that it would be a reason to buy and maintain a cell phone.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> Actually, I've never had a TV in my bedroom in my whole life--although I do sometimes watch video on my iPad while lying on my bed now-


yes -- that's part of my point. Technology has seriously changed. Neither of my kids has ever owned a television. I don't know if they ever will. But TV shows are readily accessible from other devices that they own for other reasons, one of which is an e-reader used primarily for reading books. The internet is available from several devices in our home, and we have wireless internet through our house.

Everything is very merged now, so old fashioned rules don't make sense. I can't imagine telling my 16 year old she can't use her Kindle in her room, or that she sure better not be watching Top Gear alone.

In our house, if we had a rule that no device that could access the internet or view TV shows could be used in a bedroom, then neither child could do their homework in their bedrooms. If we required that homework had to be done in public parts of the house, then no one could listen to music, watch TV, or game while someone else was doing homework (and with a college student and a highschool student who take their studies seriously, a lot of time is spent studying here). We'd have to spend all our time together not making noise, which really wouldn't be very good for our relationships with each other.

Family harmony is more achievable if you trust your kids. I'm fine with my 16 year old watching shows like Top Gear on her Kindle in her room all by herself. It really is totally beyond me that other parents would get worked up over such a thing.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> My daughter is only 2, so I could change my perspective, but this is my policy:
> 
> No cell phone until age 16, and they must have a job and pay for a portion of the cost. Also, no texting if they also drive. Before 16, they can have a phone that only calls 911, myself, and my husband, in case of emergency.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> I never said I would invade their privacy or check their call logs, I meant that their phone literally would only be capable of calling a few emergency contacts (these plans exist). I also do not allow my kids to have computers or TVs in bedrooms or private areas. I am not a controlling parent. I spoil my girl all the time, and I allow her a lot of freedom as long as she obeys basic rules about safety and polite behavior. Yes, we will have an available land line, and most schools, churches, friends, etc. have phones that can be used when needed. I simply believe that technology should be limited. I place my emphasis on children completing homework and chores and then relying mostly on interpersonal interaction, physical activities, books, etc. for entertainment. I think it's unhealthy to be glued to a screen for too long. I am flexible. If my child makes a convincing argument for why they need a cell phone, I may change my mind. I just think it's a good idea to have some idea of how you'll handle a situation before it comes up so you're not totally unprepared.


Hi! I actually live in the same town as you (if your info is current/ correct). Just a heads up--- if you're planning on using public school, this is going to be a tough row to hoe. All children are given individual laptops in 6th grade that they are expected to do their homework on. Homework assignments are often given via email. In 8th grade, DD was expected to be active on certain networking sites to communicate with class members. In 9th grade, the letter home during the summer said that kids needed to bring their cell phones to the first day of school for a school activity--- DD took hers and they were actually assuming the kids had smart phones (they ended up sharing). I can't imagine it being less tech heavy in another 5-15 years. The kids my daughter knows who homeschool are actually just as likely to have a fully functioning phone by 14 because they do a lot of activities (classes at BC, riding Metro, etc...) that puts them out of contact for hours.

Anyway, when my DD was two we were TV free (started watching a few videos while I was pg with DS), no video games, etc... but for *most* people, there is a lot of change from 2 to 16 and it doesn't happen all at once. Even the Waldorf schools around here (because of the high tech presence) don't seem to get very far with no tech in the household.


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## ANNEE (Oct 22, 2008)

Although I REALLY hate it, I would get a MIDDLE SCHOOLER a cellphone with the following stipulations: no camera, no texting, limited minutes - for contact calls only.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

For us, it's not a "need" but it is well up there.

We don't have a land line. DD got a cell phone when she turned 12 (in junior high). DS will get one this month before he starts middle school. That is also the age they started staying home alone. As others have mentioned, I like them to be able to contact me at any time and there are places where they are that don't have phones (DD babysits for many people who do not have landlines because they only use cell phones).

I think DD had one friend this last year who did not have a cellphone and she got one midyear. Before that she just borrowed friends phones. DS was in elementary school last year and while several of his friends had phones, they were in no way ubiquitous and still seemed to be used more for necessity versus entertainment (kids who didn't have a parent home after school, for example). When DS wants to call a friend the default is still to call the parent's phone while DD's default is definitely to call the friend at this point (she will be a 10th grader in the fall).


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
> 
> In 9th grade, the letter home during the summer said that kids needed to bring their cell phones to the first day of school for a school activity--- DD took hers and they were actually assuming the kids had smart phones (they ended up sharing).


Ya know? I would be prety ticked off if my kid had to share his/her smart phone for school work because another parent didn't eel his/her kid needed one. Heck no! Not unless they would like to help pay the bill!


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

> Evan & Anna's Mom wrote:
> 
> I'm glad he was safe and you knew not to worry--for that moment--although since that's how you knew you "should" watch the news, it seems to me it was also the moment when you DID worry. I think the school's policy was wise ***for those students and teachers who do have cell phones*** but it is a massive leap from there to the idea that every family is obligated to provide their child with a phone just in case of this situation and that the school couldn't possibly inform other families in any way. My son's school would have done a phone message using an autodialer (we get the voice recordings; I think they also have a text option you can sign up for) and it would have taken a secretary a few minutes to inform all 700 families. It calls our home land line, and my partner works from home, so he would then call me--or if he wasn't home, as soon as I heard the news, I would use my office land line to call my home voice mail system and listen to the message. Technology can work for us even if we don't all carry it in our own pockets at all times.


 I didn't mean to imply that I thought everyone was obligated to provide a phone for their child or that the school required it. I just wanted to put the situation out there for other parents to consider as they thought through the issues involved. And the school does have auto messaging and it did send a message after the fact. During the incident they were too busy figuring out what the unauthorized person was doing at the school and dealing with emergency personnel. But the auto call goes to my home number, where I wasn't until the end of the day. For *me* I was glad DS had the ability to text me at the beginning of the situation and again when the all clear was given. No one wants to think about these sorts of situations but I believe they are worth considering when we make decisions about technology and our children. And ourselves, for that matter.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> Yes, we will have an available land line, and most schools, churches, friends, etc. have phones that can be used when needed.


I'm not sure I would assume that now, let alone what might be true in the future. I mean, yes you have a land line now. Who knows if there will even BE landlines 10 years from now. And I know that most public places in our area will absolutely not allow a child/youth to use their phone. My children's schools will not allow the student to call their parents -- the staff person calls for them. But there are times when I would much rather speak directly with my child. And the school won't call with the "Is it OK if I go to Mary's house to play?" sorts of situations. Your community may be different and your situation may be different then ours. But these are probably issues that you will need to think about as you make decisions about your children and technology in the future. Though you are completely correct -- no one (well, no one I can imagine) needs a personal cell phone at 2! And thinking through a general philosophy about issues such as technology is smart. But so is realizing that situations change and you need to be open to reconsidering as they do so.


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## pt33333 (Jul 30, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> Ya know? I would be prety ticked off if my kid had to share his/her smart phone for school work because another parent didn't eel his/her kid needed one. Heck no! Not unless they would like to help pay the bill!


I would be, too. I just found out that my daughter's school has now approved that 4th graders could bring in their iPads or other tablet devices for using for projects in class. Previously, it was only the middle school level (her school is K-8th). She's excited by the idea, but I told her I wanted to find out more about what is involved before I actually let her take it in. I want to know what happens to the devices when they are not in use - where do they stay. They don't have locks on their lockers, so they can't be secured there. And what happens when the kid sitting next to her doesn't have one. Are they expected to share? I don't want to seem like a jerk, but it is an expensive thing. The only reason she even has one is that my sister bought them each one for Christmas. I know that she is very careful with how she uses it, but I know not every other kid is. Especially at only 9yo.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pt33333*
> 
> I would be, too. I just found out that my daughter's school has now approved that 4th graders could bring in their iPads or other tablet devices for using for projects in class. Previously, it was only the middle school level (her school is K-8th).


i actually think this is a great idea. dd's school did the same from 4th grade too.

4th grade is upper elementary. their amount of work goes up. unfortunately due to the budget the number of computers avaialble at school is limited.

bring your own laptop or other device so you can do your work at school and not have to take it home to do hw.

dd was sooo thrilled to take her laptop to school with her. for about a week. then she got sick and tired of lugging it and only did it when she needed to.

i never felt unsafe about anything being stolen. the teacher never left the empty classroom unlocked. so the chance of stealing was never there. and really none of the 4th or 5th graders wanted to steal bulky ipads or laptops. they would probably go for other devices like DS, etc and the games or smartphones. these they were not allowed to bring to school and if they did they were responsible for it. however i am only talking about dd's school.


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## bthuntamerc (Jun 11, 2013)

I feel like some responses are getting a little judgmental.

First of all, I would never listen in on calls, and my children's TV use wouldn't be monitored, it would just need to be in a room where we have a TV. We plan to have a dedicated room for our children to study that will have computers they can use, and if necessary, noise-canceling headphones. This is because my husband is an animator/computer programmer, and he needs his own office and compute to work.

I came from a household when my sibs and I had pretty much unlimited computer/TV access. I do not feel like it was a "necessity" or that it really enriched my life, and it was often a huge distraction from more important things.

We do not plan on sending her to public school, but if a laptop or a phone are required for school, she'll be allowed to have them. We would simply set limits on her use.

Again, nothing is set in stone. I understand that technology changes. By the time, my daughter(s) are in school, they will be used to our rules. We already have a routine of allowing her to watch a certain amount of Mickey or Sesame Street, then making sure she goes to the park or dances or plays with her books, etc. This is simply the way we have chosen to parent. I am not judging anyone else here for their choices.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> I feel like some responses are getting a little judgmental.
> 
> First of all, I would never listen in on calls, and my children's TV use wouldn't be monitored, it would just need to be in a room where we have a TV. We plan to have a dedicated room for our children to study that will have computers they can use, and if necessary, noise-canceling headphones.


I'm not being judgmental, I just think that as a the parent of a baby and toddler, you might be able to learn from parents of teens. *The teens years are best used when parents focus on helping their teens developed independence and life skills.* I feel this very strongly. This phase is not about creating what your ideal family life with kids is like -- that really the elementary ages. Your plan is really solid for CHILDREN, but not teens.

I think that harmonious relationships between parents and teens are only possible when parents realize what the teen years are really about. Your rules don't accommodate different ages or stages. They are the same for an 11 year old and a 17 year old. Unless your kiddos leave the minute they turn 18, these are rules you are planning for adults still living at home.

I'm suggesting a more fluid approach based on maturity, technology, and the kid one actually has in front of them.

Also, a plan needs to make sense in light of current technology. Kids watch TV shows from all sorts of devises that aren't television sets. The notion of using the location of television sets to make rules doesn't make any sense at this point, and I suspect that will be even less true in another 10-15 years.

The dedicated room thing sounds good, but isn't possible for many families. We do have an office, but the desktop is my primary computer and both DH and I have things to do in here from time to time. Besides, our home office is about as far away from the kitchen/dinning/family room as possible, so a teen doing something in here when no one else is in her isn't any different than doing something in their room. That situation alternates with us having too many family members trying to do things is what is the smallest room of our house.

When they were younger and we shared our computer, we kept our computer in a very central location so we could keep an eye on things. This gradually changed.

Both kids have lap tops, and the idea that they can't STUDY where ever they feel most comfortable seems fairly absurd to me. There are enough real issues in living with teens that parents really don't need to invent any by saying "study only in the study room."

BTW, I do monitor my teen's TV and internet habits in the sense that I'm aware of what the do and how much time they spend. It really isn't a big deal and doesn't require much beyond having real conversations with them and being on the same basic schedule. We have very solid family relationships from a lifetime of APing, GDing, etc. We really don't need tons of rules to keep them in line or artificial constructs to make sure they aren't up to something evil. They actually turned out to be responsible and trustworthy.


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## Backroads (May 4, 2013)

My baby doesn't need a cell phone yet.

To answer the question, I don't think phones are a necessity (are kids really doing different activities than they did a decade ago that makes cell phones so much more appropriate?) BUT they sure are handy devices.

I'm sure I"ll get my daughter one or whatever the communication technology of the day is when she starts going around by herself.

But necessity is such a strong word.


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## pt33333 (Jul 30, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> 
> i actually think this is a great idea. dd's school did the same from 4th grade too.
> 
> ...


Theft is only a minor concern, really. But, these are expensive things they'll be bringing in, not just notebooks and pencils. LOL! I mostly want to hear the details of how they are used and how they are handled. Actually, the possibility of her having to share it is my bigger concern. I know we have to sign some document about acceptable use of electronics or something like that, and I've been told part of the document includes language that the school is not responsible for anything that may happen to the device if they bring it to school. Which is fine if my daughter has an accident with it and something happens to it, but is not fine if she is told to share it and something happens while it's in another student's hands.

Basically, I just want to have all the information in hand first and my daughter and I will have a chance to discuss it properly before school starts. Which I just realized is later THIS MONTH.


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## bthuntamerc (Jun 11, 2013)

Well, every family is different. I am not qualified to speak on what will work for everyone. As a side note, if my children are legal adults and still living at home, they can have a computer/phone/computer anywhere, in any form that they wish.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bthuntamerc*
> 
> Well, every family is different. I am not qualified to speak on what will work for everyone. As a side note, if my children are legal adults and still living at home, they can have a computer/phone/computer anywhere, in any form that they wish.


I really think that you may change your mind the first time your kid is using your phone to call their friends. Or they're missing out on fun kid activities because they can't talk to their friends. But maybe not, maybe it will be fine and your teen will be completely compliant. Good luck


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:


> I really think that you may change your mind the first time your kid is using your phone to call their friends.










Really? You feel that sharing your phone with your own child, one time, is such a bother that you can't stand it???

My son is 8 and sometimes gets really into calling his friends, using our home land line. If my partner or I need to make a call or are waiting for a call, we tell him this is not a good time to use the phone and he'll need to wait. No big deal. Rarely comes up. We adults average about 1-2 phone calls per day, usually non-urgent.

A few months ago, my son and his friend were doing a science project together and got into video chatting to show each other what they'd done at home. His friend has her own iPod Touch. I let my son use my iPad. After a while I felt it was necessary to set some limits because he was getting a lot of extra screen-time by hanging out chatting with her after the science talk, because he was sometimes overexcited and running around the house with the iPad which made me nervous about breaking it, and because I wanted to use my iPad some of the time. So we discussed these things and agreed to rules about asking before borrowing it, keeping it in the case, not running, and handing over the iPad within 5 minutes of my asking for it. I never felt any urge to get him his own device to avoid these negotiations.

*About schools requiring students to bring their own technology:* This is one reason I'm glad to be in an urban public school district that doesn't assume affluence. My child's school provides paper, pencils, glue, folders, all that stuff. (They take donations; because we can afford it, I spend roughly twice what I would spend on equipping my own child, buying large quantities of the supplies I find at the best prices, and donate them.) The school (K-8) has a few classroom sets of iPads, as well as desktop computers. Projects that require using computers are assigned in such a way that students have adequate time to get them done on the school's computers--although of course it's easier if you have the option of working on it at home, too. I am happy to pay property taxes and donate to the school so that all the kids can have what they need for school. I'm concerned by how selfish a lot of aspects of our society are getting, but it particularly bothers me when public schools demand that students provide things at their own expense that not all families are able or willing to provide. (For example, when I was in high school, my journalism teacher assigned us to sell ads for the newspaper during class by driving to the businesses--none of them were within a mile of the school--and completely refused to acknowledge that some students didn't have cars!!) If your kids are in a school that requires every student to own a particular technology, I agree that you're going to have to provide it so your kid can get by in school, but I would question the school policy and try to make sure they at least have a work-around for students in financial need.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> *About schools requiring students to bring their own technology:* This is one reason I'm glad to be in an urban public school district that doesn't assume affluence. My child's school provides paper, pencils, glue, folders, all that stuff. (They take donations; because we can afford it, I spend roughly twice what I would spend on equipping my own child, buying large quantities of the supplies I find at the best prices, and donate them.) The school (K-8) has a few classroom sets of iPads, as well as desktop computers. Projects that require using computers are assigned in such a way that students have adequate time to get them done on the school's computers--although of course it's easier if you have the option of working on it at home, too. I am happy to pay property taxes and donate to the school so that all the kids can have what they need for school. I'm concerned by how selfish a lot of aspects of our society are getting, but it particularly bothers me when public schools demand that students provide things at their own expense that not all families are able or willing to provide. (For example, when I was in high school, my journalism teacher assigned us to sell ads for the newspaper during class by driving to the businesses--none of them were within a mile of the school--and completely refused to acknowledge that some students didn't have cars!!) If your kids are in a school that requires every student to own a particular technology, I agree that you're going to have to provide it so your kid can get by in school, but I would question the school policy and try to make sure they at least have a work-around for students in financial need.


I absolutely agree with this. It's a huge problem when schools assume that all students will have a certain level of electronics. I want my kid to have a cell phone, but I certainly don't expect that every family sending a kid to his school will have the same means or the same concerns that I do. If a teacher wants certain equipment to be used for a project or a classroom experience, it should fall on that teacher (or the school more generally) to assure that all the students actually have that equipment.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Just wanted to say that the 9 y.o. that I mentioned in my first post is now 17 y.o. and has been away for most of the summer. She has been out of touch for most of that time, hiking up mountains, or on safari, or living in a Masai village, and in other places without e-mail or Skype or any convenient form of communication. While I've missed her and wanted to hear the exciting details of her trip, I've been okay with the lack of communication.

In the meantime, there are high alert terror threats for that part of the world and last night a major international airport burned to the ground in a nearby country, on the anniversary of a major terror attack not too far from where she is.

Let's just say that I would welcome some modern communication technology right now.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

just wanted to add - the invitation to bring technology to school is a choice - not a demand in ours. due to the lack of enough computers many students feel they dont get enough time for research and thus i guess why the teacher said kids could bring in their own technology if they wished to.

and bleeding heart that my dd is i KNEW from the beginning that dd would share her laptop. no way on earth would she not. i also know the kids in her class. i was willing to take the gamble.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

DD's highschool is in an affluent suburb, but there is still some economic diversity. There is never the assumption of gadgets or technology, and kids are encouraged to use the school library (and computers/internet connection) after school for homework. On the sheet about what graphing calculator kids need for math classes, there was a note at the bottom stating that if you need assistance in getting a graphing calculator, call the PTO because they supply them to kids to ensure that all the students have what they need to be successful.

My DD would never take a laptop or iPad or anything like that to school. For one thing, they don't have lockers so everything that is brought to school is carried all day long. For another thing, stuff gets stolen and broken. The school has 2 computer labs and a set of lap tops for class checkout, and the teachers must coordinator who gets to use what/when. It might sound like a lot, but there are 2,000 students.

I work in Title 1 elementary and kids at that school really shouldn't bring anything valuable to school with them because we have a lot of problems with thief. A lot of problems. We have a computer lab with enough workstations to accommodate every student in a class. Each class has one hour a week of time in the lab, but there are also open spots that teacher can sign up for. Some teachers use this time really well, some just let the kids play educational games.


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## Penelope1212 (Aug 4, 2013)

Cell phone radiation is making the news.

*In Israel:*

*Israel: The Connection Between Cell Phones and ADHD

Arutz Sheva (Israeli TV National News), Aug 7, 2013

"In a recently published article, Dr. Gil Yosef Shahar seeks to alert pregnant women to the possible results of exposure to cell phone radiation. The fetus can be affected during pregnancy, and the results not seen until a few years later, in the child's behavior.

Dr. Shahar presents the conclusions of several studies that have been done throughout the world. His first study is from 2008, and was conducted by researchers at the University of California, where 13,159 children were examined."*

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/Flash.aspx/273898#.UgMVSG1NHnh

*In the USA:*
*New Study that links cell phones to oxidative stress*
http://www.medicaldaily.com/cell-phones-and-cancer-2-studies-provide-new-evidence-possible-link-249317

*the lack of testing and...Cell Phone / Cancer Link to be Revisited by FCC:
http://news.discovery.com/tech/gear-and-gadgets/do-cell-phone-safety-standards-need-upgrade-130717.htm*

Please contact me with any questions. *Dont panic yet.. There is a lot you can do..*

Take precautions with your cell phones. Here is the Austria Medical Association's guidelines

http://www2.aekwien.at/dlcentre/uploads/Handyplakat_EN-1372920488.pdf


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## Alexsandra (Apr 25, 2013)

Thanks for your posts everyone. My ds got his cell phone around age 13 (2003). Sounds to me like CURRENT society demands a cell phone for kids! They'll have to make their own choices as to how much of a slave they are to it later in life because we cannot really control such things. The best we can do is provide an inspiring example for them to follow. Rules need to limited, esp. with teens!! Pick your "MUST DO's" wisely!! Although, I just took my 12 y/o son out of school to come home and make his bed. Wow, was he angry. He thanked me for it 2-3 days later though and it was only unmade once after that until he left the house at 18 yrs. So, that was nice as it was no longer a real rule. He just did it. In fact, he chose the event as his subject for his college entry essay. (It appeared to be effective in his applications for college!)


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not talking about an 8 yr old. I'm talking about an older kid.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


You said, "the first time your kid is using your phone to call their friends." That happened at 4 with my kid. But okay, you're talking about an older kid. I'm still puzzled about why it's so difficult for you to share.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i have a days way 11 year old.

and this discussion has brought up a lot of issues for me. not directly about cell phones but about shared values between my dd and me.

its been a struggle this past few months trying to figure out how to parent an almost teen (for her age dd is v. mature).

what really HAS been the struggle is the fight between the old world and new world.

as my dd grows older i realize i am no longer in control. it was so much easier before. now not so much. dd has a voice too. and she needs to be heard. and we both have to try to see from each others point of view.

for instance dd's school gave her a lot of hw (she will start middle school next week). initially i was hesitant of sending dd with the laptop. but then i thought about it and the impact it would have on all our lives. had a talk with dd and then said ok.

since puberty hit dd has become v. forgetful. i was taking a hard stance on that (mostly lecturing her on the shoulds) till i realized i need to give her some strategies instead of just yelling and getting frustrated. she forgets her phone quite often, but she takes care of her laptop even when sharing with friends at school.

mainly i dont want to seem a tyrant and old fashioned. i remember how my parents placed their stuff on me in the guise of safety and protection. how i had to fight constantly to be heard. its a painful place to be. i certainly dont want that for dd.

i dont want to judge her today by the society that existed then. yeah i didnt even grow up with cellphones. but dd did and that is very present in her life. i have to accept that sometimes she is going to be on it more than i'd like. but then on the other hand too all the old fashioned things i had present society no longer provides access to.

so i have to look around at current society and decide what to do. not with basic morals. but with technology mostly.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> 
> dd has a voice too. and she needs to be heard. and we both have to try to see from each others point of view.
> 
> ...


I liked your post. My parents put their crap on me too -- they were convinced that I was an evil sinner and had to be controlled or all hell would break loose. There were very, very controlling and said derogatory things to me when I was really very innocent and naive. They also lumped so much stuff into the "forbidden" category that I left home without any idea of how to make a moral decision. Since they believed that everything was wrong, all I learned was that they were idiots.

This all blew up in my face. I left home while still in my teens (I HAD to get away from the crazy) and had no moral compass. Part of the reason that I don't forbid much is to help my kids understand the seriousness of certain issues. I'm a former addict. I have a very difference reference point than most parents. I keep really, really short the list of things that are in the same category as addictive drugs. (I also tell my kids that no decision will "ruin their life." It might make their life a whole lot harder, but you can always make a different decision.)

So much of the stuff that parents get all worked up over really doesn't matter. At All. And if you feel you are keeping your kids safe by CONTROLLING them, you are really just making life far, far, far more dangerous for them when they get away from you (which is most likely how they will look at it). I believe we need to teach them to make their own choices, help them figure out what possible outcomes are for different choices, and that we can't do that if we don't let them have real control over their lives (within reason for their present maturity).

We talk moral issues into the ground with very solid reasons about why some behaviors are really best to avoid, and some are best to keep at a minimum. *I want my kids to leave home capable of making solid decisions that we help them build a life they can be happy with.* My goal is not to raise them to make decisions that I will be happy with, but that *they* will be happy with.


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## Serafina33 (Jan 24, 2013)

My kids got cell phones at age 7 but would use it only to talk with whatever parent they weren't with at the time (I'm divorced from their dad). It was nicer for them to be able to have a direct link to the other parent, when they wouldn't be seeing that parent for days, rather than relying on me and my ex to be constantly calling one another and handing the phone to the kid. But elder never carried it around until about age 9, and younger DS still doesn't, and and even then DS1 only carries it when out and about. At home, the phone lives in a corner of a room, charging or otherwise dormant. It's definitely necessary for my ten year old to be able to do things out and about with his friends unsupervised, as without a phone I simply would not feel comfortable not accompanying him on these events. My 8 year old uses it sporadically. He's sort of practicing for when he's older, and mostly keeping it stationed somewhere at home as a surrogate landline, since neither their dad or myself have landlines anymore.


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## Dela (Jul 8, 2013)

Mine have gotten phones at 7/8. This is the age in our house where they start going places alone, venturing off the property for their adventures, walking to stores and friends' houses. It's more of a security net for me rather than for them. I don't require them to treat it like an umbilical cord, always texting or calling me to let me know where they are, but they do know that I appreciate them calling and letting me know if their plans have changed or whose house they're at if it's different than who they set out for.

Right now my oldest two bio kids share a phone between them. Which in reality means the older one has it 90% of the time, and we need to think about getting the second oldest her own since she's making a lot of friends now and going places, doing things, and the two girls' plans often conflict with each other. We're also thinking of getting our older nieces and nephews phones, since they're gradually developing the same freedoms as our kids as they gain more street sense and integrate into the house a little more.

I view phones, as all devices, as tools. How they're used is what makes them good or bad. Simply having one does not make a child anything {spoiled, tech obsessed, materialistic, sex-crazed, ADHD, a brain cancer patient, a social misfit, etc.}. If we see them over-using them or using them for immoral pursuits, such as bullying or sending inappropriate pictures, we'll either take them away or have some more serious talks about it and rules set in place, but I guess I don't see the point in pre-emptive restrictions. I'm not going to treat my kids like they're prone to doing something bad just because they have the ability to do so using a piece of technology, unless I set up all kinds of monitoring features, rules, restrictions and threats.


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## saharasky (Dec 20, 2002)

A necessity? Absolutely not!

A convenience ... perhaps. Nice to have for those semi emergency scenarios.

As a portable game system ... absolutely.

The caveat here is that I have never had a cell phone and I have no desire to have one at all (even with the inconvenience of finding a pay phone while out and about) and my husband has whatever the newest one is every few months. Both of our kids have his cast offs without sim cards ... keeps them entertained while waiting in the car without the constant need to text their friends. If it were just me though they wouldn't have any at all. Marital compromises are difficult.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Well, actually, I believe that a cell phone IS a necessity to my youngest. She works at a farm (and has for several years), where there are times she is the only one there, and there is no landline. Then, too, she drives 6 hours to college, through some pretty remote areas. Just this summer, her car caught on fire. Darned tootin' I was glad I was paying for that cell phone so that she could (a) call 911, (b) call AAA, and (c) call me.

Maybe not for an 8 yo. But for an older kid, with the above circumstances? Yeah, it really is. IMO.


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## dancingmyrtle (Feb 12, 2011)

This is interesting. We do not give our kids cell phones. One is now 19 and is on his own now. He did just fine without one. One is 15 and does fine also. We just have not seen the need. I do not really care what other people do with their kids though. To each his own. I just know that we have not seen them as necessary. We have lived both in the suburbs and downtown. Our kids have tried public, private, and home schools. For what it is worth. Follow your gut instinct and it usually works out. Good luck.


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## Fillyjonk (Sep 21, 2007)

I think its down to circumstances. I think most parents are pretty responsible. Most of us probably wish it was like when we were growing up, where there were lots of payphones.

My reality is that, living in a relatively safe city, I have a choice. I can let my older kids-nearly 10 and 8-have more freedom, and have a phone, or less freedom and have no phone. We've opted for the former. My 9 year old has a reasonable amount of freedom, provided he has his phone with him. He can go out when and, largely where, he wants. He's been incredibly responsible with it. For him it represents pure freedom. My 8 year old has just started going out and about alone and for her the phone provides not just a way to contact her but backup and security in case she doesn't know what to do-like if the shop is out of raisins, is it ok to bring mixed fruit? Daft as it might sound that is helpful to her.

Of course a separate issue exists around phone usage. But I don't see any reason why a preteen could not learn, just as an adult needs to (in some cases, REALLY needs to) that texting while there is a live person present is basically rude, as is answering a phone and chatting for ages when you have a guest, etc etc.

TBH though it seems like a bit of a straw man. I don't really see the issue. I pay $60 a year for my kids phone usage, and that gives them a lot of freedom. No way could they have the level of freedom they do in our particular city without a way to contact me. I do have some qualms about talking on the phone for long periods esp for kids, but for that reason I insist they mainly text, and they are on a mainly text-only plan. Their actual phones are obviously cheap, secondhand.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

We did end up getting her one. She might be by herself after school sometimes, and we don't have a land line. No one should be home alone without the ability to make phone calls. And we have some carpool transportation issues for some things and I want to know that if someone flakes out, she can call me.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

Just recently we've been talking about getting a phone for my 10 year old. Her birthday is in September so we will probably get her one then.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

Our older girls got phones in their early to mid teens. My husband saw it as an "electronic leash" so that they could reach us and we could check on them. There were one too many times of "There was no pay phone there!" or someone getting stuck somewhere and having to borrow a phone.

Our youngest got her phone at 11 when I returned to work outside the home. Before this I saw clients in my home or in the evenings and weekends. When I joined an agency and was going to be sent on 55 mile round trips to see clients, I needed her to be able to get hold of us if need be and to call me when she got home from school on the occasion that I was running late. I think it was a good decision. She doesn't use it much, she's not much of a talker. She occasionally sends and receives texts, but we have rules about not using phone during meals and late at night or during home work. Her school allows phones, but they must be silenced and put away during school hours.

There has been more than one time when our plans changed and our children having phones, even as pre-teens was very helpful. I work erratic hours, and sometimes a consultation may run over time. She has a key, but I like to let her know if I won't be there when she gets home. I make every effort to be home when she gets home from school, but with Tollways the way they are, I can't always do that.

She also bought her own iPod that receives internet and email. She is usually responsible with it, but at the end of last school year we were having a problem with home work being left undone, so I limited her internet access and she continued to use the iPod. I had to made the difficult decision to take the iPod until the school year was over (about a month) but we did leave her her phone as she still needed to get hold of her parents, sisters and other family members.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

Aso there is a free app called Find My Friends, which allows you to know where your kids are at all times. It's especially helpful with younger kids.


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