# I don't get to have a life apparently.



## ariatrance (Feb 12, 2009)

(I am really, really angry right now and lashing out, so there will be extreme statements written.)

I am so over having spirited children. I don't want kids if this is how it's going to be. Yesterday and today I tried to take an early morning walk with some other moms. Not working! My kids can't even sit for an hour in the stroller without getting so wound up and out of control. The rest of the day is just poop!! No one listens, no one cooperates, I yell, I distance myself mentally, kids start peeing on the floor, things get broken, etc. All because I wanted a bit of exercise so I don't feel like a tired, fat, broken old woman.

Why can't I have anything? Why do I have to spend all morning (literally 3 or 4 hours) at the playground so the kids get all their excess energy out just so we can go to the grocery store or read books or not pee on the floor?????? When do I get to do anything else? I don't enjoy standing there in the hot sun watching the kids play. If I so much as pick up a book, both are in my face wanting something when both were perfectly content not two seconds before.

I just want to scream!!!! I don't like this AT ALL. I hate that this seems to be the only thing that makes the day go smoother because I get nothing, nothing. No time to myself. I do all the parenting 24/7, though husband tries to parent on the weekends. Where are you for an hour in the morning so I can go pee by myself or shower or go for a walk????? Oh that's right, in bed, because you stayed up til 2 a.m. playing W.O.W.









I am so, so angry right now. It's just another poopy day that is not getting better and I feel like I have to sacrifice everything, everything and no one else does, just to make sure the kids don't drive the entire world into a tailspin tantrum.

I HATE MY LIFE!
























































:a ngry


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have been there, and mine aren't as close in age, and only one is spirited, and she's the one who is old enough where it isn't quite so big a deal anymore.

And when my husband is sleeping in, it's because he's been working till 2 am, not playing games.










I don't blame you for venting at all, mama!


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

You have two babies: 3 and 1. No, honestly, you don't get to "have a life" until they get a little bigger.

If your partner (who also doesn't get to have a life right now) isn't helping, you may want to consider marriage counseling.

It gets easier when they get bigger, but it's still a 24/7 committment until the last one is out of the house.

You can scream and fight it or enjoy it while it lasts. If you can't enjoy it, you may want to get some more help, practical or emotional. Unless this vent is a once in a blue moon occurence, you could miss all the good stuff, which would be sad.


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## Tway (Jul 1, 2010)

Hugs and hugs to you, Mama! Gad, those days are the WORST! You just want to run away... far, far away. I remember seeing a Dr. Phil episode about a young mother who ran away from home with some guy and thought "Duh! Who could blame her??" (she came back soon after, but I totally got the sentiment).

Our lives are a lot like Groundhog Day. It may look like nothing from the outside, but it's so draining sometimes. And there are some days where you look in the mirror, see a mess of hair, bags under your eyes, last-year's clothes that don't quite fit, and teeth that need flossing, and you think "Where the hell did I go, exactly?"

So vent away!!!! It can only get better right? One day soon, one day soon...


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I'm sorry your DH isn't helping out more. Just an hour a day in the evening and a couple of hours on the weekend would make you feel better. They do get alot better as they get older, but at 1 and 3 you still have a long time.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Have you talked to your husband about pitching in more? Toddlers are so difficult--and I only have one! I'm actually pretty terrified of what it's going to be like when mine are the same age as yours. But my DH is really good about making sure I get at least a little time every day to myself, whether it's to shower or take a walk or just sit in a quiet room with a good book and a cup of hot tea. Without that time to myself, I'd be a total mess! I can't imagine how tired you must be.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Maybe... if a 3 and 1yo can't get to an appropriate place to pee, they need to be wearing diapers or pull-ups? Seriously.

And otherwise... what sort of structure do they have?


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## ariatrance (Feb 12, 2009)

I agree, it would be incredibly sad if I missed all the good stuff. I think I have this vent about every six weeks or so. I get in a good groove and then try to adjust it just a bit to add something I want to do in and it just backfires so horribly!

I haven't got any good examples in my real life of parenting spirited kids. Other mothers try to commiserate that they too have high-energy kids but I'm sorry, if your two can sit contentedly in the stroller for an hour and then go home and take a nap, that's not high-energy in my book.

I also don't have any good examples of ap parenting in real life. My one friend that has children (one a few months older than G, one a few months younger than E) gets to go out nearly every weekend with friends. She goes on dates with her husband constantly. But she also dumps the kids on the grandparents all the time, quit part-time breastfeeding at six months, parks the kids in front of the tv, etc. Stuff I just don't want to do even if it means I get 30 minutes to do yoga or knit or read.

I sometimes feel that I am the only mother in the world who has to be 'on' 24/7. I'm having such a bad day. Thank goodness there is a tomorrow! And if there isn't, well, that still solves the bad day, doesn't it? *sigh*


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## love4bob (Apr 30, 2008)

I completely understand!!! I have days like that almost every day. I have a 3 year old, almost 2 year old, and a 6 month old. The older two are crazy! They have so much energy, and they completely destroy my house. It seems like I am CONSTANTLY cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes making them food, or being referee! They fight ALL the time when they are together! On top of that I have the baby to take care of. Oh and my husband is deployed too, so it is on me 24/7. It's stressful!

I recently have gotten a membership to our YMCA, and it has been GREAT! They have a daycare on site that you can use for 2 hours per day for free, and after 2 hours it is $2 per hour. A friend and I go almost every day and exercise. There is also a pool, so I can drop off the baby and take the older two swimming, or drop them all off and actually get to swim by myself. If you have a YMCA in your town, I'd highly recommend it!


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## ariatrance (Feb 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Maybe... if a 3 and 1yo can't get to an appropriate place to pee, they need to be wearing diapers or pull-ups? Seriously.

And otherwise... what sort of structure do they have?

We're okay without diapers 95% of the time. G only has pee misses if he's too wired to pay attention to his body (which would be today!). E only has misses if I'm not paying attention to her signals (which would also be today!).

As to structure, this is what we do which leads to a good day:

7:30 wake up, shower/dress, breakfast/nursing
9:30 arrive at playground (outside usually, if too humid or raining, it's inside)
11:30 go home, clean up, snack because I almost always forget to bring it
12:30 lunch, nursing/nap for E, quiet playtime/reading for G
2:30/3:00 snack, errands (usually just one - grocery store or library, not both for example)
5:30/6:00 dinner, walk after dinner, clean up toys
7:00 brush teeth, read stories, sing, nursing to sleep for E
8:30 I sneak out of bed and do whatever until I start falling asleep
11:30 lay in bed wide awake until E wakes up to nurse, bring her into bed and fall asleep

It ain't great. I hate being so structured that I feel inflexible because then I buck against the system. I can't seem to fit in new activities without the whole thing falling apart, such as yesterday and today.


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## Molliejo (Jan 7, 2006)

I feel your pain. I have four under four and I want to run down the street screaming some days.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Your schedule looks pretty much the norm to me, and if that leads to a good day, then why not just do that all the time? I think if you wanted to have more flexibility you could just make the snacks and the naptimes on point and then the rest could be whatever you like. I do find that if I am on with snacks and naptime, then it curbs hyperness/fussiness. When you go to the park, and you do remember to bring a snack, do you find that helps?


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

You say your kids are high energy. Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? I found it very helpful. My DD would only sit in a stroller when her legs were very tired and I was walking fast. It was never for an hour. Things got easier as she approached 4, and now at 4.5 we can really enjoy restaurants and baseball games and other things that involve sitting for awhile. She doesn't exactly sit still but we're not up and down the whole time either.


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## MommatoAandA (Jun 4, 2010)

I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

It does get a little better. In a few years.









I don't think letting Daddy sleep all morning because he stayed up too late is doing anybody any favors. Do you leave so the kids don't wake him? (cuz that'd be the first thing I put a stop to.







)

There's nothing wrong with telling him "TAG! You're it." and having him take the kids to the park so you can have the house to yourself. I bet he'll come home and look like it nearly killed him. LMBO! You should smile sweetly and say "Yes, it sucks some days".

But, in all honesty, in a few years, they will start getting party invitations, and sleepover invitations. Before you know it, you will have lots of time to yourself, and you'll miss them. Just like the song says "you're gonna miss this".


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## love4bob (Apr 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommatoAandA* 
I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.

I agree. If we don't take care of ourselves we will not be a better mom to our children! I am here to talk too if you want to pm me.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

You have every right to vent, super-mom does not exist and what you are doing now is the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs, not to mention hardest, most mentally-draining job in the world. You need regular breaks to fill up so you don't start the day on empty. Even 30 mins of tv for the kids is healthier than a mom on the fritz.

Also- 1 hr in a stroller is so odd to me. I don't know many kids in real life that would sit still for that long. In fact, I don't think I know any! It must be hard to feel like the only one with such energetic kids!!


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommatoAandA* 
I completely disagree that with a 3 and 1 year old the OP doesn't get to have a life. I'm sorry, I saw what happened to my mom who did that and I was not happier for it. She was always anxiety ridden, never bought herself a thing, would cry when her last bra ripped because the anxiety of juggling two demanding kids and buying a new bra tired her out. She also worked full time and catered to my very childlike dad. The 1 and 4 year old became 4 and 8 year olds and then on and so forth and that pattern never stopped.

I DO think, OP, you need a break. I think you are at your breaking point. You do deserve an hour per day to yourself. WAKE DH UP. DEMAND HELP. He cannot live with you and not see your struggles. He doesn't get to have leisure time till 2 am then sleep in because he is "tired". He forfeits sleep by staying up till 2.

In the am, I put DD2 in her pack and play with toys, I put on a DVD for DD1 in her room and remove any hazards or mess makers, I put a pull up on DD1 i I think she might have an accident and then I get in the bathroom and shut and lock the door. When crapping alone is a luxury, there is a problem. I then open the door and take a shower with my music on. DD2 is safe in her playpen and if she fusses, so be it. I also make it a point to go out for an hour or so 3 times a week when DF gets home. I go tanning, I go window shopping, I meet a girlfriend for coffee, I just take a drive or a walk or go swing on a swing. But I get the HELL out of my house.

I totally understand what you are going through (I have an 4/07 DD and 7/09DD).

If you need anything just to talk or vent please feel free to PM me.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ariatrance* 
My one friend that has children (one a few months older than G, one a few months younger than E) gets to go out nearly every weekend with friends. She goes on dates with her husband constantly. But she also dumps the kids on the grandparents all the time, quit part-time breastfeeding at six months, parks the kids in front of the tv, etc. Stuff I just don't want to do even if it means I get 30 minutes to do yoga or knit or read.

You might want to rethink that. Having children spend time with their grandparents is not "dumping". It's certainly better than kids spending all their time with a stressed out unhappy resentful mother. If you have family that can help you out by giving you a break for a couple of hours, I think that you would find it very helpful.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I also agree with MamatoA&A. You need to take care of yourself so you can give what is necessary to your children. Frankly, this is why I've always worked part-time -- just to avoid feeling like this. Some moms are really content with the live you describe. Some of us are not. And that is OK. What isn't OK is trying to live it anyway. So yes, wake up your partner and demand help. Better yet, talk to him about your needs in the evening, before it gets ugly in the morning.

Take the time you need for yourself. Do you have a Mom's morning out option near you? Would you consider PT preschool for your 3 YO? Can you at least set up playdate times so that you have other mom friends to chat with at the park? A once-a-week sitter for a couple of hours? Yes, most of these options will cost at least a little, but it is so worth it.

There is a difference between being an AP mother and being a martyr. Truly, you don't have to give up your life. But you might have to give up your ideal "perfect mom" image.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Mother's helper??? They are my godsend.

Also, at the playground, why not do some squats and brisk walking around the perimeter. They may bug you, but if you redirect consistently, they will eventually (may take more than one day) move on and ignore you.

I take DD to the park and she hangs out with DH while I workout. At home, she watches PBS while I do the elliptical. When I do my 20 minute dvd, she does it with me or goes off to play. I do a lot more working out wherever DD is than I thought I would, but it is a good compromise.

V


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## verde (Feb 11, 2007)

I hired a babysitter, twice a week for 3 hours each time. Made a world of difference. Saved my sanity. Totally worth the money. You'd be amazed at what you can do in 3 hours.


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## MariesMama (Sep 26, 2008)

I feel you! My DD is not high needs, but everybody needs a break from time to time! And I do have those friends whose parents will watch the grandchildren at any given moment. I do not. Seeing facebook status updates of "canoeing with my buddies!" or "out for a girls weekend" makes me stabby.

Today, I told BF that I had to go to the bank, and simply got a coffee and drove around and listened to NPR before finally doing the banking. Yes, BF thinks that it takes an hour to make a deposit. (DD was playing and he was cooking, not waiting to go anywhere.)

A wise woman at my co-op told me that her teenage son is totally under the impression that weekly grocery shopping is a four-hour excursion ... yes it might include a solo walk in the park or a child-free trip to the bookstore. Every little bit helps, even just for a half hour to clear your head and eat or drink something without a toddler hanging off of you.

And yeah, if you're going to the park in the A.M. to let your DH sleep, STOP IT IMMEDIATELY.


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## Peppermint Poppies (Jan 7, 2007)

OP, I could have written your post myself. Our children are similar in age, and it's hard having 2 young children with no practical support. My two are sick at the moment also, as well as myself, so that doesn't help either.

I wanted to write more, but DD is fussing, and DS needs to be dragged (kicking and screaming, no doubt) away from the TV. But hugs and commiserations from me







:


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
Also- 1 hr in a stroller is so odd to me. I don't know many kids in real life that would sit still for that long. In fact, I don't think I know any! It must be hard to feel like the only one with such energetic kids!!

I was thinking the same thing. The only time any of mine would stay in a stroller that long is/was if they fell asleep (_occasionally_, if we're somewhere completely new and different, particularly if it involves running water - but not often, even then).


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## Tway (Jul 1, 2010)

Just wanted to add some of my life-savers, since so many people here have great ideas!

There's a free service in our city I've been using since DD was about 2 months old. A nice lady comes once a week for 3 hours to watch her. At first, I did laundry and napped. And now I take off to get lunch and read a book and stare at the restaurant walls and think my own thoughts. Heaven! Also, DH takes over when he gets home while I prepare supper, clean, etc. When he takes DD for a walk (like now), I get a few minutes to myself. DH also puts DD to bed now, which saved my sanity.

Get DH on board and look for people around you who can come in and give you a break. You'll feel SO much better.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ariatrance* 
I also don't have any good examples of ap parenting in real life. My one friend that has children (one a few months older than G, one a few months younger than E) gets to go out nearly every weekend with friends. She goes on dates with her husband constantly. But she also dumps the kids on the grandparents all the time, quit part-time breastfeeding at six months, parks the kids in front of the tv, etc. Stuff I just don't want to do even if it means I get 30 minutes to do yoga or knit or read.

As other have said, AP parenting doesn't mean your needs cease to exist. If you have grandparents or other relatives around, I would absolutely use them for regular or occasional sitting. It's GOOD for children to have relationships with their relatives. There's no reason why you can't go on a date with your husband or go out with friends, and doing so will not make you "non-AP." Hire a mother's helper or a babysitter for a few hours a week. Given how burnt-out you're feeling, I don't even think 30 mins of a DVD a couple of times a week would be the end of the world. You cannot be a good parent to your children if you're not meeting your own needs.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I sooooooooooooooo feel you. My kids are about the same age as you, and some days they drive me crazy. I bring some of this on myself, by not parking them in front of the TV. But believe me, I don't blame anyone who does: everyone needs a break and they're probably less frazzled than I am. At the end of the day, being smug because I'm TV-free doesn't do me a heck of a lot of good if I'm really wanting to scream "Get away from me!"

Part of my problem is that, unlike literally every other family I know, we have NO family nearby. So I get no free breaks, whereas everyone I know gets date nights and to drop their kids off and go our to coffee or for a run or a pedicure. They go away for the weekend while their kids stay with grandma and grandpa. I can't even imagine how nice that must be. If you have family nearby who is willing to look after your kids, I would absolutely take advantage of that. I'm not sure why you think it's "dumping." The 1950s sit-com family, where mom does 100% of the child-rearing (with dad occasionally pitching in) is not the way that children have been raised pretty much anywhere over the history of the world. IMO it's good and healthy for children to have a range of role models and instructors. Obviously, if the family in question is toxic or dangerous I wouldn't do this: but I don't consider slight deviations from my parenting standards (junk food, TV with some limits) toxic or dangerous. My daughter well understands different homes have different rules.

Despite money being very tight, I finally broke down and got a one morning a week sitter this summer, and it is a godsend. I really just use that time to run errands, but it now takes me about 3 hours to run all the errands that I used to do in a week or two. Lugging two small children everywhere, particularly to places where you have to stand in line and wait for your number to be called, or where you have to try on clothes, or where basically ANY sort of quiet and patience is called for is just asking for trouble. Don't get me wrong, sometimes my children are absolute angels. But it's a crap shoot, and the stress of worrying about how long I have before someone starts screaming makes dull tasks downright awful. It's also just really nice to have a little bit of time sitting in my car, cranking my music, and being able to run into my favorite bagel store without unhooking two kids out of carseats and carrying the non-walking one in and making sure the walking one doesn't run into traffic.

An even cheaper option than a sitter, if money is tight for you, is a mother's helper. Around here that's a 9-12 year old neighbor girl who only makes about $2-$5 an hour (as opposed to sitters who make $10-$15 an hour). They're too young for you to be able to leave them alone with the kids, but they'll play with your kids and occupy them while you get some things done elsewhere in the house, or even just relax with a book. Kids that age are often really good with kids: they're young enough that they're still great at playing and they love getting down on the floor and playing games and being silly.

I also joined the Y, which has a wonderful childcare room. I'm currently having some pregnancy issues that keep me from working out (except swimming), but you know what? Who cares! It's air conditioned and I need some quiet time! I still drop them off for an hour or two most every morning and if I don't go swimming, I sit in the lobby with a book. It took them a while to get used to it, but there is a giant selection of toys and activities and they do arts and craft projects and I'm thrilled to let someone else clean up after their mess for an hour or two a day. Again, although this is an expense that we probably should cut to be fiscally responsible right now (and I did cancel my membership... for two days and then I went and begged for it back!) I really need that time for my sanity.

I hope you've also considered putting the 3 year old in preschool this year. That will also give you some quality time with your 1 year old. I never realized how easy one child was until I had two! My daughter went to a toddler program last year and will go to a Montessori program this year, and she just loves school. And I really like outsourcing keeping her occupied, which is a tough task. And I don't think she's even particularly high needs: I just think that 2 and 3 (and 4 and 5) year olds are very social creatures, and very rambunctious and energetic and have short attention spans and need a lot of structure and activities to be happy.

Your final issue is your DH. DH and I trade weekend mornings: one day I get to sleep as late as I want while he's up with the kids, and the other one he gets to sleep in. All bets are off if the kids are having an especially *ahem* "difficult" morning. I also don't do more than two poopy diapers on a weekend before deciding it's his turn and sending in said poopy child to jump on our bed until he changes them. I change enough during the week, that on the weekend I'm not putting up with getting stuck with all the poop too.









But seriously, it's DH's own fault if he stays up late and is tired the next day. Guess what? There are things that I'd love to stay up all night doing. When he's at work and you're at home, obviously you're responsible for 100% of childcare and housework. The second he gets home, the workload is 50% on each of you. Why does his job get to end, while yours is 24/7? That's just not how having young children works. And that's not to say that you have to have some tit for tat arrangement where neither of you ever get a break... just the opposite, actually. He needs cool off time from the stresses of his week, but so do you.

((((Hugs)))) to you. I'm really sorry you're so stressed, but it does happen to all of us. Just remember that a Martyr Mommy is not a Happy Mommy. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

to you OP. I totally get it. I can't even remember the last time I didn't have my 3 year old with me. Months maybe? And when I mean "not with me" I mean that really literally. I just don't ever get breaks. It's hard. It's exhausting. But I know it WILL get easier at some point. Someday. Not sure when that day will be, but someday!

Also, I guess I don't understand how those of us with unhelpful spouses are supposed to MAKE them be helpful. He says no. That's the bottom line. I can't MAKE him do anything. And I also don't want to leave my children in the care of someone who doesn't want to be responsible for caring for them right then. My DH loves our children, but he doesn't have a lot of patience these days, so leaving him to deal with our feuding sons is really sort of a recipe for misery.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

You gotta decide what works for you. Great suggestions...for me, the stress of feeling like I needed to find a sitter and, and and and and or I was a martyr was worse than waiting it out and grabbing the good moments.

My kids are both hn and the stress of transitioning them to someone else's care at those ages would have put more, not less work on my plate.

Gonna get better, promise.


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## ariatrance (Feb 12, 2009)

Thank you for all the good thoughts and good vibes. Sometimes I just need to get it out RIGHT NOW, so I don't overload my brain with the negativity. Didn't help too much though until my husband got home. Then it was magically better.









Some more thoughts on what has been written, in random order:

I do not take the kids to the park to let my husband sleep in. In fact, most days, we leave the house after he does. He spends the short amount of time awake getting ready for work and then goes. That does need to change, yes, but I don't really have time to run into the bedroom every 5 minutes to wake him up while tending kids/making breakfast.

I am financially unable to hire a sitter, mother's helper, preschool or anyone else to watch the kids for any amount of time. No, that's not going to change by switching around/changing habits - I am choosing groceries and gas over a sitter. It's not fair but I'm not working a full-time job to bring in chump change and never see my kids (did that for G's first 20 months, not gonna happen again).

I am a spirited individual myself with few coping skills for that energy. I actually started reading Raising Your Spirited Child and identified so much that I stirred up some inner melodrama and had to quit reading. I may be at the point that I can pick it up again and focus my thoughts on my kids and the whole family rather than just myself. Maybe.

My husband's entire family is local. However, only one person is reliable (and competent) enough to watch my children. He agreed to babysit one night a month (which is tomorrow, thank goodness!) so my husband and I can go out. The in-laws/grandparents would probably want to watch the kids, I think, but are unable to due to medical issues. The rest are worthless.







I am not really a fan of that family, other than my husband, and I sometimes wonder how he turned out like he did. He's not perfect and could certainly use some improvement but so could I, oh so much could I.

I'm sure tomorrow will be fine. I can go back to a morning routine of 3 to 4 hours at the playground/park and then starting the rest of the day. I don't like feeling restricted and I think that is why I buck against routine, even if it is good for us. I feel like I lose flexibility, spontaneity, joie de vivre when I have to do the same thing everyday. Guess I need to put on my 'big picture' glasses and look through those for awhile.

Thank you again for the support. This community is the best - I just wish you were in my face-to-face, 'real' life!


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## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Oh mama, I so feel for you! My kids are close in age and those young toddler years were THE hardest of my life. It's nice to say that now, because it is so much better just a year or two later! I don't agree that you have to sacrifice yourself until the kids are grown. I do think that during the very young/nursing era, you do to an extent because you can't ever be gone too long or too far. But that time will pass quickly in the grand scheme of things.

I felt like I was parenting 24/7 too. My dh works from home almost round the clock except when he comes down for the family meal and a little play time with the boys. Honestly, it was right around the timeframe where you are now, that I had had it! I needed OUT. I wasn't ever leaving the house by myself and I had no friends because we moved out of state. The kids were too young to leave overnight with grandma an hour away and I was suffocating. I finally had to just sit down with dh and say, LOOK, I AM DISINTEGRATING HERE! We had to make a deal, set in stone, so that I could have free time each week. DH has two nights per week that he does bedtime. Friday and Sunday. At 7pm, I am off the hook! I can either stay home and try to get things done, or I can go grocery shopping in peace, OR I can go to barnes and noble, buy a cheap coffee and hang out and read books for HOURS until they kick me out







For the first several weeks, I was outta there! I did everything I wanted to do. After a while, I didn't feel like I had to escape as much so I sometimes just read at home or get a project done, but alot of times I do go out to good ol' BnN. I don't know how that would work with your dh's work schedule, but you have to show him how important some time for you is. I can't see anyone wanting to get out of bed early every morning before work to do extra kid time, really. But how about when he gets home from work or after dinner or even one or two nights per week? There must be a workable compromise.

Also, is there anything else you could do with the kids during that morning time so you don't feel like you're in such a rut? Could you go to a big park with an open field and run around with them kicking soccer balls or something so that you feel like you're getting some exercise too? Or how about walking the mall early in the morning, and the kiddos walk/run with you? Are there any museums that are free? If you live near a big city, try doing an internet search for the best things to do with kids.

Oh, and my kids are spirited too. And I totally get how most people don't understand what high energy means. My ds1 hated to be in a stroller at all. Neither of them have EVER fallen asleep in a stroller or a carseat. It sucks. But it gets better, my oldest now runs his mouth more than his legs, which is a whole other ball of wax!


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

Op can you find a way to meet your kids needs and yours at the same time?

For me that was hiking with my camera in hand. I would strap the baby in the backpack and hit the trails with my older 3. The fresh air and exercise helped immensely and I truly felt recentered after spending an hour or two at the river or in the woods. I would get a bit of time to do something that mattered to me (photography and hiking). It also clearly helped my kids.

For some of my friends they found those recharging moments by bringing knitting or crochet or a sketchbook with them. Some would put both kids in the jogging stroller or in a bike trailer. Sometimes even just doing the park thing with a friend was enough to recharge me

Do you have a Y near you where you can get a discounted membership. Even if you could manage a yoga class or a swim for an hour while they are in the child care room, it might be enough to recharge you.

Can you do a swap with another mom if a babysitter isn't an option? Can you rejig your grocery and gas budget to find $15 a week to pay for a sitter for a couple of hours?

I hope you can find a peaceful way through this.
Karen


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I admire you for even having the motivation to get up and take a brisk walk before your dh leaves for work. I've never felt "up" to doing that, LOL, though he certainly would've supported me if I'd wanted to.

I fluctuate in and out of having some sort of fitness routine. At the moment, it's been a while since I got any intentional exercise. I have sometimes resorted to this minus the squats:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Violet2* 
Also, at the playground, why not do some squats and brisk walking around the perimeter. They may bug you, but if you redirect consistently, they will eventually (may take more than one day) move on and ignore you.

I have also, at times, had a routine going where I turned on the radio and marched back and forth in the house for about 30 minutes at a time. But since you have the motivation to GET UP in the wee hours and go hiking before your dh leaves for work, this sounds so much more exciting than walking around the perimeter of a playground or marching in the house!

I say just tell your husband something like, "On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays (or whatever days you choose) I'll be going for an early morning hike from ____ to ____, so you'll need to be awake enough to care for any needs that come up while I'm gone."

Do you feel that you can trust him, or do you think he'd just lie in bed like a rock while they screamed at him, walked on him, and (metaphorically speaking) burned the house down?

Heck, I know that sometimes I've been up til the wee hours of the morning because one of my girls was sick, and then I still needed to be alert enough to care for my healthy child when she woke up bright, perky, and hungry after I'd only been asleep for two hours.

Or sometimes I've gotten into a good book and chosen to seriously short myself on sleep. Somehow I still managed to get through the next day and care for my little ones ... it never occurred to me to ask dh to ditch his work-plans and call in sick because I was up reading all night and he was worried about my ability to cope with my responsibilities.









So I'm thinking that as long as your dh isn't the sort to sleep through _everything_, you'd probably be safe to just remind him the night before that you'll be hiking the next morning, and then just get up and go.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I feel very much like this a LOT of days. Just wanted you to know I understand how you feel.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Can I just ask, purely coming from my own ignorance on the subject, how you know if you have a spirited child? What exactly does it mean? I ask because, I know that there have been times that I have put my son in the stroller and he has freaked out, or wanted him to do lots of things that he freaks out about and "wont" do, but if I want him to do something, it's for a reason and I mean it and stand my ground and eventually, he does it. and the fight doesnt usually last too long because he knows that he's not going to win. so, is a spirited child one who no matter how long you stand your ground won't give up? And is it just in cases where they don't want to do things or is it also just a general hyper active personality?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
Can I just ask, purely coming from my own ignorance on the subject, how you know if you have a spirited child?

I can't speak for the OP, but for me I pretty much knew because I wasn't *wondering*, "Is she spirited?" It was more like I just had to assure myself, when she was a baby, that it wasn't "cry it out," even if it lasted for hours, because she was crying in my arms as I walked with her and kept offering the breast and singing and dancing and trying everything I could think of ...

It wasn't something that crept up on me -- it jumped right up and hit me in the face, LOL.

But for others it might be different.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I like the recommendation to see if a local Y has reduced memberships. I know that mine does. If things are really so tight that you can't find $10 a week for a mother's helper, I'm sure that you'll be able to qualify for financial aid at some preschools. I would call around and ask before assuming that it's impossible. Many preschools, particularly ones run by towns, churches, or fancy private schools offer scholarships.

At the very minimum, look into joining or starting a babysitting co-op.

You'd be pretty appalled at a nurse, or a teacher, or a nursing home aid, or a nanny/babysitter who was on duty 24 hours a day and literally never got a break. A mother is all of those things combined. If you checked into the hospital and they introduced you to a bleary-eyed, stressed-looking nurse and said "this is who will be taking care of you, all day every day. We let her go home to sleep sometimes: but don't worry, if you need anything in the middle of the night you can just call and she'll come right in." You'd probably find a new hospital right away, right? No one could possibly be expected to do a good job under those circumstances! Don't your kids deserve the same?


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
I like the recommendation to see if a local Y has reduced memberships. I know that mine does. If things are really so tight that you can't find $10 a week for a mother's helper, I'm sure that you'll be able to qualify for financial aid at some preschools. I would call around and ask before assuming that it's impossible. Many preschools, particularly ones run by towns, churches, or fancy private schools offer scholarships.

At the very minimum, look into joining or starting a babysitting co-op.

You'd be pretty appalled at a nurse, or a teacher, or a nursing home aid, or a nanny/babysitter who was on duty 24 hours a day and literally never got a break. A mother is all of those things combined. If you checked into the hospital and they introduced you to a bleary-eyed, stressed-looking nurse and said "this is who will be taking care of you, all day every day. We let her go home to sleep sometimes: but don't worry, if you need anything in the middle of the night you can just call and she'll come right in." You'd probably find a new hospital right away, right? No one could possibly be expected to do a good job under those circumstances! Don't your kids deserve the same?

So true. I certainly need and enjoy my breaks that I get. Going to get my nails done or even just getting out to the mall while my husband takes care of bed time. The OP mentioned her husband playing a lot of W.O.W. which I suspect (from experience pre-children) is moreso the problem than anything else.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
The OP mentioned her husband playing a lot of W.O.W. which I suspect (from experience pre-children) is moreso the problem than anything else.

Maybe, but I would strongly advise the OP to focus on the specific help that she wants from her husband, rather than on W.O.W. Let him figure out what habits he needs to change in order to take over with his children on her exercise mornings, and any other times when she needs to get out, without being totally exhausted at work.

I just think that if she wants him to be an adult and step up to the plate, it makes more sense to treat him like an adult and just share her needs and expectations, but avoid spelling out to him exactly how he needs to organize his life in order to get the job done. That's for him to figure out.

I actually have no idea how the OP communicates with her husband, so this is just an idea that I'm throwing out there. It may not even be relevant to this particular situation ... so I'll apologize and I'll even delete it if the OP wants me to.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

In general, m_m I think you're right, and I do think many women tend to view their partners as an additional child. I also understand that video gaming is a soft addiction, and many people cannot break the habit without a push. DH used to be that way. It was pre-kids, but I had to be really forceful about it or he would have wasted his life in front of the computer screen. I hate to use the word intervention b/c I think it's over-used, but yeah, that's what is sometimes needed when it comes to gaming.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
Your schedule looks pretty much the norm to me, and if that leads to a good day, then why not just do that all the time? I think if you wanted to have more flexibility you could just make the snacks and the naptimes on point and then the rest could be whatever you like. I do find that if I am on with snacks and naptime, then it curbs hyperness/fussiness. When you go to the park, and you do remember to bring a snack, do you find that helps?









:
Also, get your exercise at the park. Don't just follow them around, CHASE them, run circles around them. Swoop them up and down. Climb up the sides of the play structures as they go up the stairs. And get them moving twice as much as you. With any luck, that'll help them sleep when you get home and give you some time to yourself.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I feel ya mama. I have 2 young kids, but they are a bit farther in age. My spirited girl is on the cusp of 4 and let me tell you, she is a different kid than a year ago, like not even the same person in the body. She listens most of the time, she is good with her brother-most of the time, she doesn't bolt on me in public, she doesn't need *constant* interaction. I am on the computer and my kids are playing in the living room, watching a DVD, this is my "me" time.

My DH is very involved, we both work, it is busy and frustrating at times. Personally I am so glad I am not a SAHM anymore, I still am home with the kids most days, but working part-time has made me a much more patient, attentive mother because I'm not just thinking about Dh getting home and saving my sanity.

I have active children, no doubt about it, most people who I know don't have 10 month olds who refuse to nap, and are constantly on the go, DH and I just make kids who can't sit still most of the time, that is just the way it is.

I do think that you need to talk to your DH, my Dh stays up watching movies half the night, yet he still is there in the morning helping out and doing what needs to be done.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ariatrance* 
That does need to change, yes, but I don't really have time to run into the bedroom every 5 minutes to wake him up while tending kids/making breakfast.

But you have a 3 year old. "Go get your shirt on, Daddy's in the bedroom, he'll help you.







"


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
But you have a 3 year old. "Go get your shirt on, Daddy's in the bedroom, he'll help you.







"

LOL, that's what I do


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
There's nothing wrong with telling him "TAG! You're it." and having him take the kids to the park so you can have the house to yourself. I bet he'll come home and look like it nearly killed him. LMBO! You should smile sweetly and say "Yes, it sucks some days".









Some people really need direct instruction.

What would happen if you said "Hon, I _need_ to get out and go for a walk in the morning _by myself_ four days a week. That way I'll use up some of my extra energy and I'll be a better parent. Which 4 days work best for you to be up with the kids while I take my walk?" (or in the evening or whenever).

That does two things -- it expresses your need and it asks him to help you in a non-accusatory way. Both of those are sometimes hard to do when we're feeling overwhelmed. That also leaves WOW out of it -- if he chooses to stay up late playing WOW on a night before it's 'your' morning, that's his _choice_. But his choice should not affect your getting a little bit of time to recharge. I've stayed up late reading, and regretted it the next morning. But I wouldn't make dh cover for me if I'd agreed get up a certain time because he needed me.

Quote:

But seriously, it's DH's own fault if he stays up late and is tired the next day. Guess what? There are things that I'd love to stay up all night doing. When he's at work and you're at home, obviously you're responsible for 100% of childcare and housework. The second he gets home, the workload is 50% on each of you. Why does his job get to end, while yours is 24/7? That's just not how having young children works. And that's not to say that you have to have some tit for tat arrangement where neither of you ever get a break... just the opposite, actually. He needs cool off time from the stresses of his week, but so do you.
I agree 100% -- childrearing and marriage are rarely 50-50, but there are creative ways to make sure that even if it's 90-10 that the person who's doing the 90 _gets_ that 10% of time that they need to stay sane.

I WOH and dh works from home. Because of that, he does a lot more of the day to day stuff. It's hard this summer because the kids are home and I'm teaching summer school. What I try to do is be there for the kids from the time I get home until shortly after dinner. That gives him an hour or so of time when he doesn't have to be interrupted. After dinner, it's mostly me, but he does step in a fair amount. But when all is said and done, he's still putting in more kid time than I am these days. That's just how it is. When I'm done with summer school, roles will reverse.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

A lot of preschools have scholarships!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

My kids are the same age as yours (oldest is six months older, younger is two months younger). And I also spend half my day at the park, and no, no books. Though, I do like being outside and at least there are other moms of other active kids at the park to talk too. That saves my sanity!

We do our park time in the afternoon, but that's only because we have pre-school. It's subsidized. If I were you I'd be going door to door once a week begging for any way to get the older child in a school. Begging, literally. Asking every pre-school if they know of ANY program your child would be eligible for. Just one day a week, if that is your chore (you could also call).

That's me this week, looking for a cheaper permanent alternative for my three-year-old. Whee. Not fun. But worth it.

We also have a rigid schedule and no, no me time 'till they're in bed.

I also stay up until the baby wakes to nurse because I am so nervous. I just can't sleep until I do that last nurse. It sucks!!! I'm typing now thinking... she'll wake any minute... and then the moment I think, tonight's the night! Tonight she'll STTN! YES!

I go to sleep...and ten minutes later she wakes. *It doesn't matter what time I go to bed.*

I totally know how you feel.

Quote:

But you have a 3 year old. "Go get your shirt on, Daddy's in the bedroom, he'll help you. "
You don't know my husband... ten minutes later, he'll be standing over me asking for breakfast and I'll ask where the pre-schooler is, and she's doing something else entirely.

I'm pretty sure the OP's husband is at least that clueless. At least mine doesn't waste time on video games!

OP, I feel your pain. Do your kids have anyone to meet at the park? Are there other kids, so at least you talk to their moms and feel like an adult? Could you drive to a different park? I'm going to be honest- we drive from park to park to find the ones where other kids my kids' ages are. So I don't have to play with them. I find that ridiculous. I play with them the rest of the day, I shouldn't have to at a park.

I mean, I will, of course. I do. But not like, the whole two to four hours!


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Even tit for tat is not so bad for a while...it'll change and get better eventually. My DH and I felt like that for a while--we both needed downtime so much that there wasn't too much FAMILY time happening. But the whole tit for tat thing--you do have to make it happen. My DH is honestly great--but even with him I had to be very direct about how and when and what was helpful and how and when and where I needed it. And, conversely--I had to get better about taking help when he offered it and I didn't need it. I had to get better at banking those offers and that time so that I had more reserves to DEAL with everything later.

Now DD is five and she is so big and independent in so many ways! And this week we have my 11 year old god-daughter visiting and I swear--she's so grown up, I can imagine actually getting my life back at that point...

Hang in there--you are doing a lot with two little ones. Be honest, take some help, and don't be too hard on yourself or your loved ones. Nobody's perfect...


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

I haven't read every reply.

OP - you have a 3 yo and a 1 yo. It really does mean you have almost no life - *at this point in time.* I've been there. My kids are now 5 and 3 and I will say it is a HUMONGOUS difference - like night and day. With a 3 yo and 1 yo I couldn't have a cup of tea without sticking one on my boob and cleaning up the spilled mess from the crying other one. By the time I got to my tea, if I ever did, it was cold. 90% of the time. Now I can have a hot cup of tea and even read the paper (mind you not all of it, but maybe 1 or 2 articles with minor interruptions), while my 5 yo pours breakfast cereal and juice for himself and the 3 yo, and both of them put their dishes in the dishwasher when done (with reminding). So I think you will get some parts of your life back, just not now.

Regarding DH - as the pp mentioned, make clear exactly what you need, when. "I need to go for a walk every saturday morning from 9 until 10" "I need you to make dinner tonight please. There is broccoli in the frige and pasta in the cupboard." "I need to go out with friends tonight"... whatever. And then accept the help, as it is given, and that it may be different than how you would have done it, but that is perfectly OK. You might get broccoli with cheese sauce instead of steamed with garlic, but whatever.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Are you doing EC? or are the potty trained? Honesty if they are having a lot of accidents it sounds like they are not potty trained and should maybe still be in diapers. If you are doing EC never ever getting a breakis just part of that. You literally do have to focus in your children all.the.time. They are counting on you to catch subtle cues that they need to go. By three your child should not be having accidents. Perhaps you could build potty breaks into your daily routien. If you are doing Ec and it has become too much don't feel bad ditching it. You are free to make whatever choices suit your family each day. It does not make you a failure if you try some parenting ideal only to see it does not work best for your family. You are a unique and individual mother and what helps you be the best you is not some ideal in a book or messege board but whatever works best for you and your family.

Speaking of daily routien...Do you have one? If not get one. Maybe an hour of focused play at the park (chase those babies!!!! make them run!







) and then move on. Some park time but you be the one to decide how long it lasts. OrAlso nap time. Even if they do not sleep an hour of rest/quiet time (even if they protest at first. Most kids will submit to a routien if you stick to it long enough and will stop resisting after a while.) Predictictable sleep wake schedules, eating schedules and activities schedules are good for toddlers and preschoolers. Especially ones who are high strung.

How about a class or two where someone else takes over? you can then sit and read a book. Its glorious.







trust me.

Sending them to grandma's house is not dumping them. Mine spend all kinds of time with grandma and papa and it is a beautiful relationship. They are now old enough to go back and forth on their own whenever they desire a visit. Oh, that our grandchildren would pop in just to see us when we are older! BLISS! But that relationship has to start young.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I agree, incidentally, about EC. We EC. I do NOT let my 1-y-o peeing on the floor bother me. It is just... not an irritant. It can't be. If it were, that would probably push me over the edge. If it bothers you, then she needs diapers. At least a cloth diaper to absorb the pee. Could you look at the trading post for free-for-shipping one-size fitteds as very absorbent training pants?

Rarely is a child at 18 months ready to be dry all the time without help from a parent. So I do agree that if that is an additional stressor, you need to take time off from that, at least with the 1-y-o.

Oh, and my kids still protest naptime. They do fall asleep eventually. We have to do the WHOLE ROUTINE PERFECTLY every single time, and they still protest, and every day I wonder what I'm doing wrong because they still. reject. the. routine. and it kills me but yes, I need that rest and the entire country napped until kindergarten until VERY recently so darnit, I'm doing it no matter what.

The one positive thing about afternoon playing (because it ruins dinner, dontcha know*







) is that it is a natural consequence for the nap. We go after you have kept your eyes shut for at least one hour. No nap, no park. Of course, I do not believe that would be possible if it were not for pre-school.









I really hope you can find SOMETHING. I would go batpoop crazy without preschool, I really would.

*Yes, I have a slow cooker, and fast broiled meat recipes, and salad recipes, but come on, let's be honest... it's not the same.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
You don't know my husband... ten minutes later, he'll be standing over me asking for breakfast and I'll ask where the pre-schooler is, and she's doing something else entirely.


And if that were my DH I would leave the house.

He's a grown man. He's a father. He WILL figure it out, if he's put in the position where he has to.

OP- I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I'm just sorry you're having such a tough time.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

While you certainly will be busy and not have much time to yourself with two kids that age, you should get some time to yourself! Talk to DH, he needs to take over parenting duties at least a couple more hours a week. If he wants to stay up late playing games, fine, but either way he needs to be up taking care of the kids on the days you agree to so you can take care of yourself.

Beyond DH, is there anyone else that could help give you a break? Maybe parent friends you could trade babysitting with or just get together with some if that helps? Can a friend or relative come visit for a few days or a week and helps out wherever possible to give you sort of a mini-vacation. Sometimes that is all I need to recharge and I only have one, I'm sure I will need much more with two!

Biggest thing is DH needs to step up more. Ask for help first and if that doesn't work, demand help, don't take no for an answer!


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

I think you totally deserve a life even with a 1 yo and 3yo. I actually have an almost 1yo and a 3.5 yo and I am finally getting to have a life, but I really have to make it happen. I work hard to make sure that I have plenty of things in my life that fill my cup.

Sleep-- This is the hardest, most difficult thing about parenting to me. If it weren't for how little sleep I've gotten for the past 3+ years, I would have half a dozen kids. Right now my husband (who woh) and I switch off every single day. One person is up at 5 with the baby and the other person sleeps until 8 when the baby goes back to bed and dh has to get ready to leave for work. On the weekend, we each get one day and then we can sleep until 9 or 10. Am I still exhausted? Yes. However the fairness of it helps (when dd was a baby i got up 90% of the time and really grew to resent it). Also lots of coffee.

Time to your self -- You know I'm really lucky because dd does go to preschool 3 afternoons a week and we can afford the occasional babysitter (though at the price we pay it is still a rare treat) But I know other families that don't send there kids to preschool or have sitters but still manage to give the mama some me-time. I personally like to go out for a walk after I put the baby to bed. Dh does my 3yo's bedtime with her which is a bit later. So around 7:45-8 I grab my ipod and walk out the door. I get exercise but also I usually listen to a podcast or music I like which is enjoyable too. I'm thinking about trying audio books as well (my library has some books available for free audio downloads maybe yours does too). Can your dh do bedtime for one (or on occasion both) of the kids? I really feel that after a year there is no reason a toddler can't learn to be soothed to sleep occasionally by another pair of loving hands. I still nurse around the clock when I'm home but by 9 months or so my kids (who never took/take bottles or any milk substitute) were able to be put to bed by Daddy without nursing. So tonight when Daddy walks in the door I'm handing the reigns over to him and I'm going to meet my Uncle for Dinner and a Movie. The other night I waited until the kids were both asleep and then headed out to the movies by myself. Setting up a babysitting co-op would be another great idea. You could either trade with just another mom on the weekdays or on the weekend trade with another couple. If you go to an early movie followed by dinner you can still be back to pick the kids up by bedtime. Definitely find out about scholarships at the YMCA (I know ours offers them). It is totally worth going for 2 hours of childcare, you don't even have to work out. Ours has a sauna and a hot tub. I can drop the kids off and bring a book and just sit in the sauna and read, or I surf the web on my iphone while riding the recumbent cycle.

Getting me-time when you can't get away from your kids- Sometimes you need a break emotionally even when you can't get away physically. I think this a good time to do tv. We like to get dvd's from the library to watch. I usually put a video on during ds's nap time and then dd watches while I use the computer and eat my lunch. When we're having a hard day I take both kids into the back yard and put them in our swings and push them while I read (I have a chair set up behind the swings to sit in, so if you're at the park you could be pushing them while listening to an audio book or something instead). On the rare occasion my 3 yo is playing nicely by herself, I will then throw ds into the meitai on my back. Then I put a dvd for myself into my laptop and watch it while I clean the house. Also, while I do enjoy the park, I try to always make it a playdate instead of going by myself. If there is someone for the kids to play with then they leave me alone a bit, and I really need to have lots of adult interaction to stay sane, so that's how I meet that need. I also don't think my high needs 3yo would stay in a stroller for an hour (though my 1 yo who is not high needs probably would). We do go on a lot of walks but I just let my dd get in and out of the stroller and that helps. Also I usually make the walk purposeful, so she stays motivated to make it to our destination, for example we walk to the park, library or up to the bakery for crossiant and coffee.

Okay I think I had more ideas, but got distracted by dd and now we have to leave for the park, so if I remember I'll come back and post more.


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## mamaofprincesses (Jun 5, 2007)

I just wanted to throw out a couple of suggestions!

For the park, I would get a cheap MP3 player and get e-books from the library, or cheap music downloads, so I could at least listen to something while watching the kids play.

And one thing that has helped me, is a yoga video for the kids. I realize it's screen time so that may not be an option for you. We have long, cold winters and I thought it was an acceptable compromise between watching a movie and being active (because even though they were watching a screen, they were moving their bodies). Now both kids talk about doing their "belly breathing" when they are upset. If some screen time is an option, you might find something that works for YOUR kids so you are not the only one trying to entertain them.

And add me to the list of people who think your DH needs to parent when at home, in the morning or at night!


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I can't speak for the OP, but for me I pretty much knew because I wasn't *wondering*, "Is she spirited?" It was more like I just had to assure myself, when she was a baby, that it wasn't "cry it out," even if it lasted for hours, because she was crying in my arms as I walked with her and kept offering the breast and singing and dancing and trying everything I could think of ...

It wasn't something that crept up on me -- it jumped right up and hit me in the face, LOL.

But for others it might be different.

BOTH my kids did that. 8 months of our lives were spent with children screaming every evening. ugh. all we could do was walk around with them or sometimes i could get ds2 to nurse through it after about an hour of screaming.
surprisingly, even though my ds2 is VERY active, he and his brother are both fantastic in the car (so much so that when i _forgot_ toys on a major trip, there was only one meltdown in a 4 hour traffic jam from ds2 and the other 4 hours or so of driving was smooth sailing) and in strollers (ds1 is too old for a stroller now though so he just walks along if he's with me.) i don't drive though so we're constantly walking all over town. from the time he was an infant, ds2 has been in the stroller, winter, summer, spring, fall. doesn't matter. so he's used to it. maybe that's the case with OP's friends? daily walks every day several times a day from infancy? if i ask him, do you want to go pick up sawyer?, he puts himself in the jogging stroller, taking a truck or something with him if he wants one (his brother goes to a daily summer program for 2.5 hours so we drop him off, take a 4k walk/jog and then pick him up later on.) the stroller can't be sitting still for long though or we get freak-outs. i have to be walking or jogging or there better be food or a DVD on in front of him LOL


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## stinkelein (Jul 2, 2010)

the thing to remember is that if he gives up sleep to playWOW he has chosen that over sleep and perhaps he needs to start covering your walks. I completely get the need to rant...Rant away.... unless Dh is working that late I don't let him get away with sleeping in... of course I just had an emergency c section and blood transfusions so I cannnot do anything right now... but otherwise I make him take them to the play ground and I have chosen to do the chores I enjoy (well at least don't hate) because my standards are lower than his, so everything eventually gets done.


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## lookatreestar (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I have been there, and mine aren't as close in age, and only one is spirited, and she's the one who is old enough where it isn't quite so big a deal anymore.

And when my husband is sleeping in, it's because he's been working till 2 am, not playing games.










I don't blame you for venting at all, mama!

yes to this!! my younger is the handful but they both get going at times. it is such a struggle to be with them all day long and do all the night time parenting.

hang in there mama. every once in awhile the stars align and my two are great and i see the light at the end of the tunnel, we will be able to go out and do more things very soon!


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

I'll tell you what your problem is right now: Your husband!

You say you're parenting 24/7...where is he? If he's off playing WOW, he needs a kick in the pants. So what if he stayed up till 2 playing it...it's a GAME. If he was working on a presentation for work or something, then letting him sleep in would be understandable...but I would NOT be okay letting him sleep in while I go crazy just because he played a game too late into the night.

He needs to be helping you so you can get some time to yourself. Even if it's just 20 minutes in the bathroom with a book...you still need SOMETHING for yourself and there is nothing wrong with demanding that. Personally, I'd say "here take the kids" and go for a walk alone in the evening once it has cooled off a bit.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

OP, what do you think your dh would do if you told him ahead of time that you were going out walking on certain days -- and then just went? Are you worried that he wouldn't take care of your children?

If this is your concern, then I can understand your not just being willing to take off like that. Do you really think he wouldn't care for them?


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## Angela512 (Dec 22, 2007)

I didn't read all the posts, but I will say this. My husband works a lot of hours, he comes home and stays up reading or surfing the net, etc. until very early in the morning. I used to let him sleep in, because he needed his sleep. But, no more. There have been nights where I am up until 2:30 in the morning washing and folding clothes. My middle child gets up at 6:30am. Who gets up with him? I do. I still work from home, so it seemed to be ok for me to get up after 4 hours of sleep (after doing laundry because I cannot do it with the kids awake), keep up with 3 kids, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, do my work, keep the house clean...WHAT???

No way. We are partners in this and these are not just my kids. I am not the only parent here. So, I started making him get up with the kids in the mornings, as well. He bitched me out about this one morning so after he went to work, I packed all his stuff into the suitcases and put them in the garage by the door for him. When he came home, he was like, "What's this?" and I told him that if he was going to live here, he would help me clean, take care of the kids, etc, otherwise he was already packed up and he needed to leave that night. I would not bust my butt 24/7 because he was "too tired" or "had a long day at work"...whatever. Means nothing to me because that is me EVERYDAY...especially now being pregnant with twins.

My kids do not run my household and although I will get my kids what they need, I have taught them to ask nicely. I do not respond to them running up and getting in my face and screaming and tantruming to get what they want. No. When they do that, they go upstairs to their room, finish their tantrum and then they come down and ask my nicely, or talk to me nicely, etc. I spend the mornings with them playing/reading/etc. until I have to do my work (when the nanny comes over, now...this was another deal I made with my husband). She comes over for a few hours each day and I get my work done (faster). They come back, I make lunch, we go outside and play until I need to come in to make dinner. The kids wash their hands and get ready to eat and then after dinner it's outside for a bit longer. Then, it's getting ready for bed.

You have to find what works for you. You matter, too. A happy moms equals a happy home. You do NOT have to work this job 24/7. Your husband has some responsibility here, as well and he needs to step up to the plate. If he refuses to do so, then you need to decide what to do next (counseling, etc). I would not want to see my husband leave...but, it is not fair to expect me to wash/dry his clothes, cook his food, clean the house (he's the messiest of everyone), take care of the kids AND work my 25-30 hours a week from home. He works 45-50 hours a week, comes home and goes fishing on the weekends...yeah, not anymore.

We've had to work very hard at creating a 'schedule' that works for all of us. But, you have to have 2 willing partners to do it. So, take your mommy time. I give myself 2 nights off a week. My husband knows that Tuesday and Thursday nights are mine and he is home in time, now, for me to go out (pedi, mani, tea at the local coffeshop, dinner with friends, etc). This did not come "magically" for me. I had to claim it. Yes, having small children is hard work. It does not mean that you cannot have a life and you cannot have your own quiet time.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

I take care of my kiddos 24/7 too.Been like that for 11 years now.It was hard at first since my dh wasn't even home most weeks,but atleast I did not also have to juggle work with childcare.Now that my kids are older and in school I have atleast 5 hours to myself each day.

And let me tell you..... I am totally enjoying each day!

My dh wants me to get a job,but I am in no rush because it will mean working around the kids schedules,calling off when they are sick,quiting each summer when they are home.I tried it and it was such a hassle for the little extra cash.

When my kids were younger I had my alone time when I would food shop those times when dh was home,otherwise I took the kids.A gym has childcare. I would try that so you can workout in peace.Some moms get up super early or stay up late to get *me* time.

I would be more frustrated if my dh was home playing games while I took care of the kids...without atleast offering to care for them for a bit.There were times when I was sick and was expected to cook/serve food.Now I just say," I am sick.I am going to go lay down,so find something to eat on your own." If I didn't stand up for myself at times I would still be expected to do so much when I really wasn't up for it.

Hope things get better for you soon!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

All parents deserve a life. I've been able to continue to honor my individuality since Day 1 of becoming a parent, because I have an involved, eager partner who values time with our children and subscribes to our family value that it's okay and even healthy for each parent to pursue his/her own interests on occasion.

If either one of us were participating in a hobby to the extent that we were unable to perform our family duties and we felt unable or unwilling to change our behavior, counseling would be in order.


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