# co-sleeping/intimacy with hubby



## happy & blessed (Aug 3, 2006)

Ok. We've been cosleeping since dd was born (she's now almost 10 months) and when people ask about husband/wife time (i know, how rude!) we always say "there are other rooms in the house







"
I have read many other posts maintaining that cosleeping does not interfere with frequency of intimacy, and that the decrease in sex is children in general, not cosleeping children. I used to agree with this, but now i'm not so sure.
I have to lay down with dd to get her to sleep, and by the time she's asleep, dh and I are close to sleep as well, and don't want to get up and go into another room (she goes to sleep about the same time that we do). Pretty much the only time that dh and i get time alone is during her naptime on the weekends. Once a week is not enough for dh! He doesn't complain, but I know he is frustrated about it.
I think that if she slept in a crib, then we would manage to have sex a few more times a week. And it could be a little more spontaneous. Right now, it feels so scripted and scheduled. I have considered trying to get her sleep in a crib for the first part of the night, and then bring her into our bed when she wakes up, but frankly, I don't want to get up out of a deep sleep to bring her to bed. And I am 99% sure she will not sleep through the night in a crib!
Anyone else feel this way? Any suggestions?


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## mamaveggie (Mar 24, 2007)

I snuggle with dd, who is now 16 months on the couch in the living room until she falls asleep, usually around 8:30. After she is asleep, I either bring her into our bed or put her in the crib if we need some alone time. If she wakes in the night one of us goes and gets her, but a lot of the time we don't remember which of us it was.







It's something we just got used to doing.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

remember, "this too shall pass."

there is so much bonding that happens in the family bed, we wouldn't trade it for the world including a more spontaneous sex life. before we know it, out little ones will be out of our beds and wanting their own space, and my own opinion is that this early time sharing a bed with the family is critical for developing positive sleep associations, as well as the fact that dh and i love cuddling with dd.

besides the real world application of babies sleeping in cribs. i'm sorry, but perhaps i'm 'lazy', i have absolutely no desire to set our sleeping situation up in such a way that i would have to get up multiple times per night to settle dd and nurse her (at almost 18 months, she still nurses a TON at night.) we've got the sidelying nursing down to a science and most nights dd and i don't even wake up fully. one of our childless friends was appalled that dd didn't sleep in her own crib/room and said that we should do it now, and i told him that we would, as long as he moved in with us and HE brought dd to me every time she needed to nurse. he "GOT" it.









as for 'scheduled' intimate time, it's all in how you frame it, attitude is everything. spontenaity is fun, but so can looking forward to a 'love date'







. our lives are SO much busier now with dd being an active and curious toddler (and dh and i launching 2 new businesses...we're trying to make it work so that we can BOTH be at home parents, my how priorities shift when you have kids!)but honestly, we wouldn't want it any other way.

hth!


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## party_of_seven (May 10, 2004)

I have lived through having 3 of my 4 children in my bed. Trust me....it gets better. It won't be long before that little one is wanting her own space and you and your dh will have your bed back to yourself. Dh and I have learned to endure the couple of years that each one of our children have spent with us because we now realize how quickly it passes. Hang in there....for now just try to find a way to make it work.


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## gilleoin (Jan 30, 2006)

It'll get better, as others have said. I found it easier to get the kiddos to fall asleep on me, or snuggling in bed until they slept earlier than our bedtime, so we could have alone time, whether for conversation, or, well - more (usually in the lr)







It work well a few times a week.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

well my kids are older now, but i'll have to be thinking harder about this once the newbie comes....

my kids co-slept pretty often still when they were nearing 2 and 5 yrs old, and yeah, it can be a problem. as for the "scriptedness", i generally loathe routine, so that would just be more of a damper on any *mood* that was or was not there in the first place.

as for the laying with them to get them to fall asleep, in hindsight i think i let that go on waaaaaay too long with my older two. hard to strike a balance between meeting the needs of the kiddos and of your relationship sometimes--good luck!


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## birdie22 (Apr 1, 2005)

We have the arrangement you mentioned: DS is nursed/rocked to sleep and then put down in his bed (our house is small enough that his room is close by). When we go to bed, we leave the monitor on, and as soon as he wakes I go get him and bring him in our bed for the rest of the night. Now that he's older, he actually comes into our room on his own, which means I don't have to get up at all.









We arrived at this sleeping arrangement very intuitively, and I have always felt very good about it. Cosleeping was not something I ever heard of before ds was born; we just rolled with it and did what needed to be done to keep everybody happy.

It is nice that dh and I get some "alone time" before ds comes into our bed, but it's not like that solves everything. I think most nights I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow.


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## mackysmama (Jan 11, 2005)

could you try to transition your child to an earlier bedtime? That saved me and allowed my partner and I some time alone together in the evenings - for whatever! Also, it seemed to help my children sleep better. My 20 mo. dd goes to sleep at about 7:30 and my 5 yo at about 8:00 (usually asleep by 8:30 with our help). That gives us a couple of hours at night to do our own thing, get some chores done, and have some time together. I think you need to find what works best for everyone in your family, and that includes you and your husband. It is true that their childhood is short lived but the family needs to be as happy as possible during those years and without resentment. Good luck mama!


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

This is the one reason I dislike cosleeping (other than the whole being kicked, bed wetting stuff). We do it, but I still grumble indefinitely









When we have sex now it is SO non spontaneous, and DD is either woken up by us, or we're so busy being careful not to wake her that it interrupts my enjoyment. We have sex now when we feel like we cant stand not having sex anymore. Before DD came, and when we have spent time away from her (we went to Palm Springs for a week for a conference he had) we have sex every single night, once maybe twice. We always had a healthy sex life. Now... its just meh.









I have heard "it gets better" but now we're having another baby and if we cosleep with this one, it means another few years before we have another chance to hope its going to get better.

I'm not one who can plan out sex, or who has the initiative to drag my DH into another room (especially w/ a 12 yr old as well putting most comfortable rooms off limits) without it totally spoiling the mood. I've honestly wondered if I am sexually disfunctional after seeing how easily moms here seem to squeeze in sex with a cosleeping family. And its not 'because we have children in general' because I have a 12 yr old and although AP is new to me, parenting in general is not and it never did this last time. If anything, being "grown up" with a kid and all gave me a new appreciation for adult "things" last time.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I really like this Mothering article


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## mrskennedy (Dec 24, 2006)

You know, there are other ways to be ntimate besides having sex. Try bringing intimacy into other rooms and other parts of your life. There's a book/ebook called Around her Finger that, among other things, talks a lot about this. You can find it and free letters and personal experiences at www.aroundherfinter.com. I'm not affiliated with them at all, but I've found their ideas helpful.


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## khrys (Aug 1, 2005)

Ds goes to bed when we do (around 10 pm), but he sleeps later in the morning, until 8 or 9 am. He doesn't fall asleep without me laying next to him, but he will stay asleep for an hour or two if he nurses right before I get out of bed. So, we have time alone in the morning before dh goes to work.


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## covertlycrunchy (Sep 9, 2006)

I had the same problem for many months before I finally decided to sidecar the crib. We have a queen sized bed already but the crib just makes everything that much more roomy. We bungee corded the crib legs to the bed to keep it from moving and stuffed pillows in the gap, so far so good. Now I can easily lie next to her and nurse her to sleep, pop her off, roll over and cuddle with DH. Usually she does end up in our bed at some point but most nights I can't remember when she crawled over.










We went from sex every other week(maybe) to 2-3x/wk









And I still get cuddles with the baaaabyyyy (ok toddler now)


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## foehnjye (Mar 4, 2005)

Yep, it's the early morning thing that is working for my sweetie and me. Sometimes we can get away with the before the bed timing. It can be frustrating, but it does get easier...it must otherwise I wouldn't have two kids!!


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## happy & blessed (Aug 3, 2006)

Thanks for all the replies. I guess for now, I need to accept that our sex life isn't going to be back to the way it was pre-baby. I have considered getting dd into an earlier bedtime, so i will try that. That way me and hubby will have an hour or so in the evenings. I love sleeping in(me and dd sleep until 8 or 9 usually), and my dh has to leave for work at 7:15, so mornings are out for us. Thanks for all the suggestions!


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I was going to say, even if you got your child to sleep in another room, wouldnt you still be exhausted? An earlier bedtime is probally the answer. I have a hard time getting my kids to sleep early because ds2 still nurses to sleep so I have to go lay down too. DD falls asleep in her room or the living room always, so she can be left on the couch but ds2 is still in my bed....

We have a full size bed in DDs room and that gets used a lot. For me, our biggest issue is timing, dh works early and so he's usually falling asleep by nine and up around five whereas Im up with the kids until midnight, sometimes later and so dh is already out before the kids and noway Im waking up at four am! I know its my own fault, I need to put forth the effort to really adjust thier sleep schedules, i jsut dont. I woh and so I enjoy the time I get to spend with them in the evenings and dont WANT them in bed by 8pm (they get to sleep in mornings cuz my fil lives with us and is the babysitter).

I too miss being able to just roll over and think, 'hmmm...' but I know eventually we will get back to that! (not soon, with another baby about to be born, but eventually!!!) I dont know if there are any easy answers. Another thing, occasionally we "sneak" into the house after work and get some time alone before the kids realize we are home. (My bedroom door is shut and they dont go in there during the day). The only problem with that is my 15yr old will look out the window and annoucne we are home then all three will be banging on the door. But on the weeks ds1 spends away at his dads, sometimes we manage it! Sometimes its kinda spontaneous, and kinda fun, we'll be on the cell phones "are you there? Park on the side so they cant see you out the window..."

But I do understand, the other thing I miss is just the cuddling, sleeping spooned up togather, ds2 is in the middle so theres none of that. DD now sleeps in her toddler bed and I will move ds2 over, but then the baby will be in the middle. Ah well.


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

We sneak out of bed after Luke gets down and go to the other bedroom. Of course I get him to bed pretty early now 8pm (or I would be too tired to get up) and he sleeps much sounder than when he was a babe, don't know what we will do when the new babe comes, not that I will likely want sex anyway.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kidspiration* 
remember, "this too shall pass."

there is so much bonding that happens in the family bed, we wouldn't trade it for the world including a more spontaneous sex life. before we know it, out little ones will be out of our beds and wanting their own space, and my own opinion is that this early time sharing a bed with the family is critical for developing positive sleep associations, as well as the fact that dh and i love cuddling with dd.

besides the real world application of babies sleeping in cribs. i'm sorry, but perhaps i'm 'lazy', i have absolutely no desire to set our sleeping situation up in such a way that i would have to get up multiple times per night to settle dd and nurse her (at almost 18 months, she still nurses a TON at night.) we've got the sidelying nursing down to a science and most nights dd and i don't even wake up fully. one of our childless friends was appalled that dd didn't sleep in her own crib/room and said that we should do it now, and i told him that we would, as long as he moved in with us and HE brought dd to me every time she needed to nurse. he "GOT" it.









as for 'scheduled' intimate time, it's all in how you frame it, attitude is everything. spontenaity is fun, but so can looking forward to a 'love date'







. our lives are SO much busier now with dd being an active and curious toddler (and dh and i launching 2 new businesses...we're trying to make it work so that we can BOTH be at home parents, my how priorities shift when you have kids!)but honestly, we wouldn't want it any other way.

hth!









BRAVO! We cosleep with ALL our kids...the oldest being EIGHT, we both (all) love it & wouldn't trade it for the world! We have LOTS of times for "us" - such as after they're asleep...we sneak off, or the early AM hrs. This phase will pass all too soon, I want to know I cherished every millisecond!


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