# what are YOUR consequences for throwing things?



## jackson'smama (May 14, 2005)

DS1 who will be 3 in November has been in a throwing mood lately. We've tried "rolling in the house, throwing outside" and he'll say this (and not follow through of course!), he gets plenty of approved thowing outside the house. The problem is the occasional off the wall thing like thowing a toy that he is finished playing with, throwing a cup and hitting DH in the face, thowing something from the backseat to the frontseat in the car and hitting someone in the head. he seems to think he's playing, but I'm not sure how to work on this behavior. dh is getting pissed when he gets hit with something, and we're at a loss.
help!


----------



## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

I don't draw much attention to it, just help the child go pick it back up. They get tired of walking back and forth eventually!


----------



## jackson'smama (May 14, 2005)

so no consequences for actually hitting a person or pet? this is not accidentally hitting someone with an errant ball - it's intentionally throwing an object at someone for whatever reason.


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Desiring to practice autonomous control of large motor skills is a developmentally normal phase. When ds was working on the purposeful effort to aim at an object for the fun of it, we created an outlet which was agreeable to all of us. We hung balloons on strings from the ceiling and threw Nerf balls at them. We saw this at a little carnival event which had us Paying to toss balls at balloons!







He loved it! So, I created it at home. Another is to create a target to throw toward. It really is fun to practice one's aim. Persistence is a valuable characteristic.









It sounds like he is wanting playful engagement. Another possibility is a balloon on a string tethered in the car which can be hit for fun. Other pounding type toys, such as hammering or hitting nails into soft wood are very exciting challenges! Playing catch/toss is another fun engaged playful possibility. Also, there are little basket ball nets that attach to windows!

Hth,

Pat


----------



## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

We use no "consequence" for throwing things.

Depending on what appeared to be the reason, we might encourage her to throw things away from people and join in with her if its playful, or if its because she's angry, to express what she needs using words or signs and empathizing with her regarding what the problem is, trying to find other ways to deal with her feelings, etc.


----------



## Spanish Rose (Jan 29, 2007)

No "consequence", per say. We create acceptable outlets and wait. They all grow out of it.

And even if he is intentionally throwing it to hit somone, he doesn't fully realize that he is hurting them. To help him realize this, I would focus on the injured party-- "Look, that realy hurt him! Let's gve him a hug and kiss to make it better. Are you okay?" That sort of thing, Teach him how to make amends, even for accidents, and empathy will EVENTUALLY develop. I wish I'd known that earlier.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
We use no "consequence" for throwing things.

Same here.
We do have some things that are ok to throw inside- balloons, soft balls, etc. But its not ok to throw anything at ME unless I know he's going to, and tell him he can. It just really bothers me. (dp doesn't have that rule).

If he throws something at me (which doesn't happen all that often) I'll say either (depending on how I feel) "Don't throw stuff at me. I don't like stuff thrown at me" or "Do NOT throw stuff at me!!!!" I definitely show how I feel about it. lol. Both seem to be equally effective. That's usually all it takes, saying that maybe once or twice.

If it keeps going, I might talk about the temptation to throw stuff, and suggest that we take that temptation away. (I haven't done it in a while, but when I used to, he was always quite ok with putting it in a different room for a bit). Or I'd suggest a different game. Or if I was in a really cruddy mood, I'd insist on a different game. lol.
But it's never come down to actually taking any item away from him, or threatening to put anything away for a specific period of time, or any type of threats or punishments at all.

Now, one thing he does more often is he'll jump on me. He'll climb on the back of the couch, and "fall" or slide down on me. I don't like that either. Same thing as throwing- I tell him I don't like it, etc. I tell him to jump on the other end, where I'm not sitting, or to go jump somewhere else. That's always done it so far. If all else failed, I'd leave the couch (which would be a consequence in a way, because he wouldn't want me to leave. But my goal wouldn't be to punish, it would be to keep myself from getting majorly pi$$ed.)


----------



## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Spanish Rose* 
And even if he is intentionally throwing it to hit somone, he doesn't fully realize that he is hurting them. To help him realize this, I would focus on the injured party-- "Look, that realy hurt him! Let's gve him a hug and kiss to make it better. Are you okay?" That sort of thing, Teach him how to make amends, even for accidents, and empathy will EVENTUALLY develop. I wish I'd known that earlier.

Yep. We have the three parts of sorry here - acknowledge, fix, and prevent. If a child is throwing to intentionally hurt someone, though, we take a few seconds to cool off, go through the steps, and our fix/prevent would be a do-over, finding the right words to express what he's feeling.


----------



## bdavis337 (Jan 7, 2005)

If they throw a toy or any object really with the intention of hitting or hurting someone else, that object becomes mine for the rest of the day. Period. Doesn't matter why it was thrown, who provoked who or what happened. Just not allowed.

Throwing for the sake of throwing and watching the effect, I just direct that outside.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Yup, two year olds throw stuff. I've found dodging to be effective at that age. Saying owww if I get hit in the face. Saying "dd2 it really bugs your sister when you throw things at her. Please stay outside her bubble."

I love the balloons on the ceiling idea!


----------



## Spanish Rose (Jan 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Saying "dd2 it really bugs your sister when you throw things at her. Please stay outside her bubble."

DD15 has personal space issues, and thus is very...strident in defending her bubble. I've found that, if tempers are rising because boundaries are being invaded, the best thing to do is to mention "personal bubbles". For some reason, this triggers an explosion of hilarity, with DS12 announcing that he has a titanium bubble, and all three of them wandering around bouncing off of one another's bubbles.

I have wierd kids.


----------



## mamamac2489 (Oct 12, 2005)

We have a shelf in the family room that is for toys. Once they throw it, it gets put up there until the next day. Some days the shelf is full, other days there is nothing on there. Sometimes it may take a few days to get it back, but usually it comes back down the next morning.


----------



## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I did use consequences when my ds was about 2. He was very verbal and it began to really feel like he was testing us with the throwing in the house. I think you can tell what reaction your child is looking for if you pay careful enough attention - if they're in awe of what they've thrown or don't even notice you, then it seems like they are really engaged in that particular thing. If they look at you like "what are you going to do now?!" than I think it's a bit different.

We began to put said toy up if it wasn't soft. We said it was fine to throw soft objects, but hard things wasn't ok because of safety. He figured it out pretty quickly. We were very neutral and would just distract to something safer to throw after putting the other thing up for a bit.


----------



## t_etc (Apr 9, 2006)

Pat,
Thanks for this, what a great idea! My 21/2 year old is totally at the throwing stage, so I will definitely be trying this!
tamara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
Desiring to practice autonomous control of large motor skills is a developmentally normal phase. When ds was working on the purposeful effort to aim at an object for the fun of it, we created an outlet which was agreeable to all of us. We hung balloons on strings from the ceiling and threw Nerf balls at them. We saw this at a little carnival event which had us Paying to toss balls at balloons!







He loved it! So, I created it at home. Another is to create a target to throw toward. It really is fun to practice one's aim. Persistence is a valuable characteristic.









It sounds like he is wanting playful engagement. Another possibility is a balloon on a string tethered in the car which can be hit for fun. Other pounding type toys, such as hammering or hitting nails into soft wood are very exciting challenges! Playing catch/toss is another fun engaged playful possibility. Also, there are little basket ball nets that attach to windows!

Hth,

Pat


----------



## Crispygem (Jul 20, 2007)

I have never thought of "consequence" for throwing things seriously .............

Crispy
http://clearblogs.com/thecandles/


----------



## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

No consequences. Like PP's have said, this is AGE APPROPRIATE. Why punish them for something they can't help? You can try redirecting, etc...but ultimately I would just let it go.


----------



## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

While it is age appropriate behavior, that does not mean that we appreciate being used for target practice. We started putting toys in time out after dd used a toy (some rolling thingy on a stick meant to be pushed on the floor, kind of like walking a dog) as a baseball bat and brutally whacked her dad in the leg. Until that moment, no one had actually been hit and nothing broken so we had stayed with gentle reminders not to throw things. But that was really the icing on the cake and we were fed up. And when she got the toy back, it came with the rule that she had to keep it on the floor otherwise it went straight back in time out. It worked like a charm! The only thing we allowed her then to hit/bounce/throw/kick around were balloons, and they kept her occupied and happy - a nice compromise for us.


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I think this is different in a 2.5yo than an 18mo. If we have repeated problems with intentional throwing of hard and dangerous objects after we have asked her not to do it and offered a better throwing activity (balloons are popular), the object goes up on a shelf for a bit. Our living room has floor-to-ceiling single-pane windows on one wall, so we really can't have major baseball practice in there.


----------



## starry_mama (May 26, 2006)

What about a 3 year old who throws things at his 1 year old brother. Not TO him, but at him, and then laughs. I am at a loss for what to do about this? Julian (the 1 year old) is very sensitive and cries a LOT when Danny (3 year old) does this. And having conversation after conversation about NOT THROWING doesn't help. Any suggestions?


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

We have some soft balls for throwing and have a game to throw them down the hall at things (sounds similar to the balloons which is a great idea!). And when we can we go outside to throw a wide variety of things (we live near a lake and can go throw stones). I love the 'honour the impulse' mode.

That said, if my son throws hard toys, I tell him trains/cars/blocks are not for throwing and redirect. We have lots of low windows and french doors that are glass and so this is not really negotiable; it's a safety issue. Sometimes I will put one up for a rest for 15 min or so if he is fixated on that one. If he throws a toy AT someone I often put it up for a rest too and then see what the issue is (tired, upset, stressed out about sharing, needing a hug, etc.)


----------



## sofiabugmom (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bdavis337* 
If they throw a toy or any object really with the intention of hitting or hurting someone else, that object becomes mine for the rest of the day. Period. Doesn't matter why it was thrown, who provoked who or what happened. Just not allowed.

Throwing for the sake of throwing and watching the effect, I just direct that outside.

We do too. If she's throwing in anger it's as follows: One warning of "If you throw that at me (or whoever) again, I'll put it in the cabinet. because we don't try to hurt other people in this house" then the object goes if she does it again. Now that she's a little older, the warning works almost every time.

If she's playing, I give her something soft to throw around and explain that the new object won't hurt anyone, but don't throw if the other person doesn't want to play.


----------



## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

my son is a little older than your's, but at any age i would tell my son (or dd) it hurts when he throws things at me, and to please not do it. i've always spoken to my children with adult vocabulary and explained things to them. it shouldn't be any different with discipline imho. if my son chucks his empty sippy at my head while i'm driving, i'm not going to ignore it, even if it is age appropriate. i would tell him, "ouch. please do not throw things at me. that hurts me. i don't throw things at you, and i don't want you to throw things at me either." i definitely wouldn't yell at him or be mean about it, but i would absolutely say something.

if it was at home, and he threw a toy at me or someone else, then i would address it. if he continued to throw it after we talked, then i would take the toy away, as that's a very logical consequence.


----------



## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

The consequences for intentionally hurting someone in this family is that the other party gets really hurt, not just physically, but _feels_ hurt and sad. Depending on the age of the child, my reaction might vary slightly. For my soon-to-be-3 yr old DD, she has experimented with throwing stuff at me intentionally enough to know that I will be hurt and very sad. And my reaction will vary between a surprised and mildly angry "ouch! that really hurts!" to being very angry which might result in me needing a timeout to cool down. I've also cried (genuinely so, I do not make up emotions) at rare times when its already an especially trying day and she has done that few times in a row. I do not impose consequences for intentionally hurting others because the biggest and real lesson for my DD to learn is already present, and I do not want to 'cloud' that and distract her from the real consequences by getting her to focus on the imposed ones. This works very well for us. I truly believe that my Dd is not out to be mean and will want to do the right thing. Almost every single time she hurts someone intentionally, she will feel really bad almost immediately after (its written all over her face), even if she is still mad. More punitive parents might not believe it, but guilt is extremely powerful, alot more than most of the consequences we can impose superficially.

As for throwing stuff randomly in the house 'for fun', my DD doesnt do that much of it. There were times I felt that she did it juct to check my reaction out. I calmly explained how she needs to be responsible for taking care of stuff around the home because she is a family member, and that if she feels that she is unabel to do so, I will help her by keeping that object out of sight. But I do not force it, its a real choice, and its hers. If she chooses not to throw and then throw again when my back is turned, I will keep that object. But once she comes to me and says that she is able to be responsible for it, I will return it no matter how many times she has said that and not mean it. So far, she understands what the deal is, and she hardly ever does it more than twice in a row.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
It sounds like he is wanting playful engagement.

That's a really good point.
My ds went through a hitting phase a little bit after 2yo, and I think this was his motivation. I told him every time that if he wanted to play he could say "Mom, play a game with me" and after a few times, that ended the hitting. He just didn't know exactly what he was wanting, and definitely didn't know how to express it.


----------



## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I dunno...I tend to think children this young need help figuring out what else to do with big emotions or boredom. I believe that it needs to very clear that we don't hurt other people and sometimes if that continues to be an issue, a consequence is helpful in motivating change.

There are times when I want to hit, but I don't. There are times I want to throw something hard but I don't. And I still have to really try hard to figure out what else to do with those big emotions. Children need help with this. Personally, I don't think guilting about it is good. They just don't know what else to do and until they learn other coping skills, it can continue to come up. I know it did with my son and he now uses a lot of different ways of expressing his feelings when things get rough for him. But he knows that hurting other people or property is not ok.


----------



## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 
Yep. We have the three parts of sorry here - acknowledge, fix, and prevent. If a child is throwing to intentionally hurt someone, though, we take a few seconds to cool off, go through the steps, and our fix/prevent would be a do-over, finding the right words to express what he's feeling.

This was in another thread and I LOOOOVE it. I have told it to dh, and have referred back to it some with him and with dd... love it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bdavis337* 
If they throw a toy or any object really with the intention of hitting or hurting someone else, that object becomes mine for the rest of the day. Period. Doesn't matter why it was thrown, who provoked who or what happened. Just not allowed.

Throwing for the sake of throwing and watching the effect, I just direct that outside.

This is our approach, too... we look at the motivation behind the throwing, the intention, and act accordingly.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
I dunno...I tend to think children this young need help figuring out what else to do with big emotions or boredom. I believe that it needs to very clear that we don't hurt other people and sometimes if that continues to be an issue, a consequence is helpful in motivating change.

Here's a take you may or may not welcome. I'm a hobby astrologer and find that just having in mind some zodiac-specific behaviors and how to approach them helps me to interact with dd from a more understanding level... If your ds is going to be 3 in Nov, (our dd will also be 3 in Nov.) then he's either a Scorpio or Sagittarius. '04 was year of the Monkey. Scorp/Monkeys have _intense_ emotions, and are often frenetic in their activity... they hop from thing to thing with great zeal and fastidiousness. When they find they can do something, they do it with huge gusto. And if their doing isn't rewarded with equal gusto, they take it very personally... almost as if they've failed. A Sag/Monkey is less personal. They are almost aloof; very busy with their own agenda with little care as to whether you approve of it all.

For the Scorp/Monkey, gentle consequences work GREAT. When dd, (scorp/monkey) throws out of anger or with ill-intent, I acknowledge and admonish; letting her know how that makes me feel, or offering my observation on how it made another feel ("I see that you're frustrated, and you threw that because you're frustrated. Is throwing things ok? Is that a respectful way to say 'I'm frustrated'? That hurt me/her/him, and that's not ok. Do you need to take a break so that you can get calm?") We have a 'Listening Spot' where dd may opt to chill out, we do breathing there, together, to get centered and then we talk about what happened. I also let her know that when she throws things out of anger, the things have to go away for awhile til she's ready to be respectful, again... ("I'm going to remove this toy, throwing is not ok... you can have it back tomorrow.")She _just 2 weeks ago_ had this scenario play out for a few days, and she had some toys put up on the fridge for a few days... it has not been an issue since.

For the Sag/Monkey, (born after 11/21/04) communication re; 'natural consequences' (how this makes others feel) might not be as big a motivator. They really don't have the same need for approval... They have a need to be active and get attention, usually accompanied by applause. But attention for the negative behavior (again, if it's done out of anger, or with ill-intent) runs the risk of reinforcing that behavior. So with this child, keeping one's reactions pretty mundane and off-hand is a good approach. Don't fuel the fire... ground it. With a monotone inflection, and making little eye-contact, right away remove the toy, slowly and gently, saying quietly "Throwing toys when you are frustrated is not ok... bye bye toy. Would you like to go outside and play a throwing game that is safer?"

If it's play-throwing, I agree with pp's re; redirection, either in the form of safer toys fro throwing or safer environments. My observation of GD is that it doesn't mean no consequences, it means natural ones. And someone getting frustrated (dad) at being hit repeatedly by a thrown toy is a natural consequnce children would likely avoid, given the right tools and info. "Daddy doesn't like being hit by ___. Let's find a better place to play throwing games."


----------



## mittendrin (Nov 5, 2003)

Don't have tons of fancy words for my consequences and haven't read books about it







: I keep it simple and so far ds' throwing phases always only last a day or so. I make him pick up whatever he threw and put it on the table. He is not allowed to play with it for a while. If he doesn't pick it up, I take it and it's gone for the rest of the day. If he hurts someone in the process of throwing he needs to apologize. Yes, I understand that all 3 yo's throw but I pay for the things he throws and I am not a fan of letting behaviour go because it is normal for his age. It might be what they all do but that doesn't mean I am not going to give him a consequence.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

We cut holes out of a box to throw bean bags into. "We throw bean bags into the box when we want to throw. We don't throw cars at people because it hurts."


----------

