# Help..... I don't like my baby. :(



## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

I love her but I don't like her.

I'm posting because I need help. I know I'm going to get bashed and I know it is horrible for me to say that I don't like her..... but the fact is, these feelings are real and I have to admit that. I don't want to feel this way.

I'm just so unhappy. I feel like my baby is so difficult. She is 16 months old. Other people that spend enough time around her also agree that she is more difficult than other children and comment that they "don't know how _ do it". I'm barely getting by, and I'm getting worse. I yell all the time [out of frustration -- It clearly isn't effective] and I feel like I want to spank [AGAIN out of frustration -- which would be the WORST reason to start!].

Other the past few weeks [3+], I feel like dd has gotten worse. She cries all the time and whines about EVERYYYYYYYTHING. I am unable to cook a meal without a whining fit. It appears to have something to do with the fact that I am attempting to do something for myself -- apparently she can't stand that. If I'm not moving around she doesn't seem to notice me toooo much.... but if I start doing something that I need to accomplish (like cooking, eating, cleaning, etc).... she freaks out and needs to be held. I just bought an Ergo but even that doesn't seem to be The Answer. It helps a little but she wiggles to get out and then whines when I put her down.

I'm a single mom. She sees her dad occasionally. He complains if I ever leave her with him when she is cranky, because in his mind, I am the only one who can fix the crankiness. Well yes, thanks to his refusal to deal with it EVER..... she has been conditioned this way. This past week he watched her for ONE HOUR while I got a haircut. He did complain about the fact that she was cranky when I left her, but I told him to suck it up and deal with it. I felt refreshed even after just one hour, although it didn't last long.

I never get a break. Like I said... her dad watches her a maximum of 3 hours/week, and always complains about her. If I am ever late to come pick her up, he complains even more. Although.... yes, I shouldn't be later than what I say, but the only reason I give him a time is because he pushes me for one. The truth is, I don't know when I'll be back!!!! I JUST NEED SOME TIME!!!!

I dream about putting dd up for adoption. Yes, I think about it. No, I could never go through with it. Like I said, I love her.................. but wow, this is so hard right now and I just am not coping well at ALL. I think she'd be happier in daycare because at least she'd have people playing with her. I just feel like I want to get away from her all the time.

I can't live like this much longer. Something has to change and I don't know what. I just can't do this. I don't want to be a bad mom, but that's pretty much what I am at this point. I am permanently burnt out at this point. Every day is just a struggle to get by because I am constantly trying to create time for myself where there is none.

WHY did fate put this cranky, unhappy, high-needs baby with a single mama that has pretty much NO help??

Btw, all of my family and nearly everyone that I know live on the east coast, and I'm in Portland OR. I seriously only know a handful of people in the area, including my worthless ex.

I just don't know what to do anymore.







_


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I don't have any magical insight, but I do have tons of sympathy. My dd isn't that hard and I have a super supportive dh and STILL sometimes I want to run screaming into the night. It sounds like you're doing a SUPERB job. Could you maybe join a YMCA or gym and use their childcare for an hour or so a couple of times a week to get some sanity time?

good luck!

-Angela


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna*







I don't have any magical insight, but I do have tons of sympathy. My dd isn't that hard and I have a super supportive dh and STILL sometimes I want to run screaming into the night. It sounds like you're doing a SUPERB job. Could you maybe join a YMCA or gym and use their childcare for an hour or so a couple of times a week to get some sanity time?

good luck!

-Angela

same here for my support, do you think you might have PPD, that can make things worse, I have it, I just had a baby 7 months ago but know I have had it since ds1 5 years ago, It sucks and it took me a very long time to admit to myself I have it, I was a total angry bitch to everyone, mostly at my 5yo ds, I have been on meds for about 2 weeks now, and already i'm feeling better less angry and bitchy.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Maybe I could, but here's another thing -- dd has pretty much never been babysat by anyone other than her dad... or OCCASIONALLY his sister who is GREAT with her -- but she is also very busy and lives 45 minutes away. DD is extremely attached and winds up sounding traumatized if she is away from me for too long. I feel reluctant to leave her with anyone because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me for asking them to watch such a difficult baby.

I also don't have much extra money to pay for childcare... I'm barely working right now, just doing childcare myself for maybe 10 hours/week (I bring dd with me). p.s. I hate doing childcare work!!!!







I just don't know what else to do. Even if I put dd in daycare, I wouldn't be making any money because I can't AFFORD daycare and dd just isn't ready to be away from me full-time!


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Didn't want to read and not post. Wish I lived in Portland so I could help you out.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

I don't THINK I have PPD.... just burned-out-single-mama-with-no-support-syndrome...







. But I guess I have no idea, it could be PPD? Who knows? I just think that if I had more support and some time to myself.... I could do this. Like I said, I felt refreshed and happy to see DD after just one hour to myself. But one hour in a week is just not enough, you know? I care for dd 24 hours/day!!! Ex feels that he works full time and doesn't have time for dd. He needs his days off and he needs to sleep in, etc. It does not matter that I care for dd day and night.


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kirei*
I don't THINK I have PPD.... just burned-out-single-mama-with-no-support-syndrome...







. But I guess I have no idea, it could be PPD? Who knows? I just think that if I had more support and some time to myself.... I could do this. Like I said, I felt refreshed and happy to see DD after just one hour to myself. But one hour in a week is just not enough, you know? I care for dd 24 hours/day!!! Ex feels that he works full time and doesn't have time for dd. He needs his days off and he needs to sleep in, etc. It does not matter that I care for dd day and night.

It must be so hard I'm sorry, it gets hard for me and I have support, do you have a doc you trust that you could talk to about PPD, just incase you do have it? Take my word for it, it is better once it gets treated. Im not saying you have it, but could not hurt to talk to your doc.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ilovemy2ds*
It must be so hard I'm sorry, it gets hard for me and I have support, do you have a doc you trust that you could talk to about PPD, just incase you do have it? Take my word for it, it is better once it gets treated. Im not saying you have it, but could not hurt to talk to your doc.

I have no insurance.... applied for state medicaid but there are not funds available for adults.


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Oh that sucks, is there any free Mental Health place? I live in Canada so not familiar with how it works where you are.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Have you considered an elimination diet? Some allergies or food sensitivies--most notably dairy, wheat and corn along with dyes and certain preservatives--can have a significant impact on a child's disposition.

Our son's reactions are pretty common and obvious, but I know, from connecting with other mamas through my research, that sometimes reactions manifest via an emotional response and, by eliminating the problematic food, the child's temperment completely changes.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Missy*
Have you considered an elimination diet? Some allergies or food sensitivies--most notably dairy, wheat and corn along with dyes and certain preservatives--can have a significant impact on a child's disposition.

Our son's reactions are pretty common and obvious, but I know, from connecting with other mamas through my research, that sometimes reactions manifest via an emotional response and, by eliminating the problematic food, the child's temperment completely changes.

I have wondered about this..... very intimidated by the idea of it though.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

It's really not as challenging as it feels in the beginning. Is she still nursing?

ETA: And what's her favorite food? Is there anything she seems to eat constantly?


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## liawbh (Sep 29, 2004)

See if you can get in to see a naturopath from the college. I'm pretty sure they have sliding scale. There's a clinic at the school (National College of Naturopathic MEdicine - at the west side of Ross Island bridge) and one at Outside In (not just for their clients). Call the clinic at the school and they can tell you how to get seen.

You should be able to get some diet/herbal/homeopathic/allopathic information for both her behavior and your stress/possible PPD.

It is sooo hard when it's just you and a cranky toddler (I was there with ds1). Big kudos for asking for help.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Oh, mama. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I remember reading some of your posts when you were pregnant with your dd. I really, really think you should ditch the dead weight (your ex) and move back home. Things will get better with time no matter what, because you are fabulous and your dd will become less needy and you'll be able to work, etc., but your ex has been a black hole all along. Your dd deserves a man in her life who's a father in more than the technical sense. Oh, and you do too.









If moving just isn't possible - if I were you, I'd trade in the 10 hrs/week of doing childcare for 20 hrs/week doing anything but, and put your dd in part-time daycare. What you're doing right now isn't making EITHER of you happy. Trying to change your day-to-day situation isn't selfish, it's proactive. There are people out there whose passion and joy is to care for young children (I'm not one of them, although my ds and are doing great with the SAHM thing, he is a Buddha baby most of the time). If you make finding the RIGHT care your priority and then get a job that works around the care you want to use... best of luck to you, mama.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Missy -- yes she is still nursing. Her favourite foods seem to be things like.... pasta and bread type foods. She likes tomato sauce on pasta and garlic. She refuses most fruit and vegetables. I'm just so unorganized.... and I never seem to be able to notice these food reactions that other people see in their children. I just can't tell if she's being cranky, or if its because of what shes eating. I'm not that in tune with it... you know? Thats why its so intimidating, I guess.

liawbh -- I'll try calling both. DD does have insurance -- I just couldn't get it for myself. I still have to find a dr for dd... she hasn't seen one at all since she was 6 months old. I just have also been intimidated by the idea of searching for a new dr..... so many bad experiences, you know? We do not vax at all and I just hate the idea of weeding through drs who are going to freak out about the vax issue. *sigh*

Smithie -- thanks for the support. At this point, moving back to the east coast just really isn't an option. I could never afford it there, none of my family could take me in, etc. I LIKE it here a lot and I want to stay. I feel that this is a good place for us.... I'm just having a hard time doing things alone. I do have a boyfriend now actually, and he has been very supportive.... but I'm also trying to be careful to not ask for too much baby-help because I don't want to scare him off and she is not his responsibility right now, you know? Still, I do have his support and that has made a difference.

I am seriously considering just getting a job out of the home and putting dd in daycare. It's just.... she isn't vaxed so it would be hard to find a daycare -- I feel like she needs a babysitter instead, or maybe someone with one other child..... but that gets expensive. I could probably expect to pay $5 - $7/hour on the cheap side, and I can probably only expect to make $7 - $10/hour at any job I might find. Add to that the fact that dd is at the babysitter longer than I work (because I have to include commuting time, etc)..... and I think I would BARELY make any money at all. Seriously. Without a decent job, I just don't know how I'd afford any kind of daycare. I'm attempting to figure out if I can go to school.... waiting to hear back about scholarships, etc. But really, it just feels like there are SO few options when being a single mom and they ALL suck.


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## BamBam'sMom (Jun 4, 2005)

Would it be possible to knock any sense into her father? I know it may not be, but it sounds like he really should be stepping up to the plate more than he is. You know his sister, could she help talk to him? Just a thought.

Could you join a mom's group or LLL? It sounds like you could really just use some support and other adults to talk to.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

His sister agrees with me, and we have all tried to talk some sense into him..... he'll even agree with us, he is just the pathetic sort of person who doesn't DO anything to change anything in his life. No ambition, no initiative.... life just carries him away. I can try to organize it and force him to take dd at certain times... but it is always a struggle of course, and it stresses me out to be the one making everything happen. I seriously NEED him to step in and take dd himself sometimes too. Of course, thats not going to happen...

I have been telling him lately that he is going to need to take dd, cranky or not... and that it needs to happen more often. I have even told him that I dream about giving her up for adoption because I am just so burnt out and need a break! He gets so upset when I say that but does it CHANGE his behaviour? Does he step in to help? Nope. He just whines about it. That's just how he is.

Again, though..... I'm trying to make this happen more regularly. Its hard when he doesn't believe my job is hard at all. He doesn't have any idea what my life with dd is like and he thinks I have it easier. Even when he does take care of dd, he is convinced that she is worse with him than she is with me, so even that does not help him see what its like for me.

I have thought about joining a playdate group or something.... but I always feel so out-of-place with other moms. I'm unusual, in that I'm young (22), alternative (parenting and otherwise), single......... thats ALREADY three things that make me different than a lot of moms. I just find it hard to relate, I guess.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Kirei--When a child has an anaphylactic reaction, *that's* noticable. Behavioral reactions are not only not as obvious, but are frequently dismissed, even by professionals. Some parents don't make a connection for years and years.

Very frequently, the trigger food is a staple...like wheat. Your daughter seems to eat a lot of wheat. That's probably where I'd start the elimination, maybe combine it with artificial colors and, if you're really brave, dairy. There are some really awesome rice noodle products on the market. You can bake some fairly simple wheat-free muffins or offer rice cakes.

See what you afford to do--both financially and emotionally. She's still little so you don't need a huge variety of grains. If you feel capable of cutting both dairy and wheat for a month, try it. Those are two very frequent triggers and, after a month, if they're a problem, you should start seeing a difference. Corn can be a big one, too, though. But, it's much harder to eliminate so, if you're feeling intimidated, I'd save it for last. If it ends up being any of these foods or all, the difference you see will make it worth all the effort. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Well, one thing that makes the idea of an elimimation diet easier is that I techincally could just stop feeding her food completely. I never give her meals even now.... her main source of nutrition is breastmilk and I just let her munch on what I'm eating for experience/fun/etc. The only difficulty would come when I'M eating... because she often wants some too. Otherwise, I don't think she'd even notice if I stopped feeing her solid food. Maybe I should try that now while I still have the opportunity? Possibly make a list of a few things that I COULD give her if I really need to.....

BUT.... does this mean I also need to change my diet, because of breastfeeding? Do I need to stop eating wheat and dairy, etc?


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Can you think back to when you saw an increase in the behaviors that concern you? Was there any correlation with increasing or introducing a food?


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Well I sort of feel like shes always been this way, but I would say she has gotten especially bad within the past few weeks. However, she also started teething again (molars) a few weeks ago, AND we have been sick. Still, I would have thought the behaviour would get better, but its been going on for a few weeks.

A few new foods have been: cheese (like cheddar on some corn puff things -- but she has had dairy before), meat (VERY NEW -- chicken and beef within the past week), corn (the corn puff things again).... I don't know, thats about it. She has had a taste of a few things while babysitting, I don't know everything that was in it. Hmmm.

Maybe its dairy? That might explain why she has always been this way (dairy in my breastmilk) but has been getting worse as she's been starting to eat it directly?


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Quote:

Maybe its dairy? That might explain why she has always been this way (dairy in my breastmilk) but has been getting worse as she's been starting to eat it directly?
It's 3 am here in Virginia and I've got to get to bed so I can be at least semi-functioning tomorrow, but I wanted to say very quickly that this makes a lot of sense to me. The allergy board over in health and healing is a great source of support and I'd bet that you can find at least a few mamas who have had to eliminate foods because of behavioral responses.


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## maddysmama (Jul 28, 2003)

Finding other mamas will definitely help. Have you tried posting in 'Finding Your Tribe' here? Or LLL, API, HMN? Or you could start a group- we have one here called Single Mothers By Choice. There are alot of moms out there who would trade childcare.

Also, I try to remember that they are so cute at this stage and it is such a short time. It doesn't always work, but I try to relax and enjoy it. I don't want to look back and only see my anger and frustration. My 22mo ds sounds alot like your dd, "spirited." I can really relate to what you say.

Best wishes. It gets easier.


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## mamademateo (Feb 13, 2005)

kirei, i am a burnt out single mama with no support also. if you haven't already,i would highly recomend educating yourself about her developmental needs and growth at this stage and whats coming next. my ds(now 2.5) is very sensitive and high need and out spoken! for me it it does not get easier it just changes as his needs are constnaly changing and evolving. i remember 16 months being very difficult and a friend of mine was doing cranial sacral work on him and told me it was all abunch of birth trauma that he was dealing with. maybe for your dd too. i don't know. it is all too overwelming having to juggle everything to be everything and everyone to our children. what does make it easier for me is being able to let go of expectations of what ds should be like and letting him show and tell me who he is , what his needs are. i have found that when i listen to whtat he needs and then help him meet his neeeds things are soooo much better.
as a single mother that is soo difficult. but it just means that the house might never get as cleaned as i like. , being ok with being late everywhere, etcc. do whatever works for you and dd. from what you described about your dd she seems to be normal needing your attention as soonas you take it away from her to do something else. THAT is normal. if you keep yelling at her that is what she will learn to do as well. she is learning from you. i f you can never get a break (like me) try to do things that she can be stimulated by and you can recharge..like go to a park . oh i am sure you know thing s to do, my point is to change up the scenery and try to relax. she will feel you relax. also i am now remebmbering that i spent alot of time in my car during that year. driving was the only time i could have any time or space to even think. then he would fall asleep in the car and i would sit in the car and make all my phone calls. i also started to going to therapy around that time. i found a therapist who allows ds to come. THAT helped alot. there are plenty of places that offer free therapy mybe even churches etc... just helped me think clearer and handle my situation with more ease. don't give up. you are doing alot and the best you can. i nstead of getting let down by expectations from other people just try to reamin focused on you and how you will survive and help your dd thrive. the only thing dd needs right now is your love, approval and guidance, never forget that. she is too young to be expected toa act a certain way. let her teach you. it is hard when you are struggling with meeting your own needs but you will find a balance. one more thing, try to reax any moment you can like in ther shower take 10 deep breaths. or when dd is upset when you do the dished just take a few ddp breaths and then go to her.
sorry about hte typos and my disorganized thoughts. i hope i was helpful and not sounding preachy. hang in there..


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Oh sweetie, I have those days too....Many, Many, MANY of those days!

I'm also a single mom - I have three kids, ages 12, 8 and 3. My eight year old has an autism spectrum disorder. Their dad pops in to visit for an hour or two every few weeks, but hasn't actually taken the kids anywhere (read: He stays here with them so I can feed them, bathe them, help them with homework, and put them to bed, and he can mooch a meal off of me) since October, and even then he didn't take the youngest. Only the older two, because they're "fun". My oldest two are in school all day, so that at least gives me a bit of a break. My youngest is in clingy stage. "Mama, I need you Fo-Eveh!" (Translation: Mama, I need you forever!) I'm also lucky that my twelve year old can keep an eye on the little one for me ocassionally - even if she takes her for a walk after dinner, that means I get to clean up my kitchen in silence. Silence! Ahhhh....

Okay, here's my advice - find a preteen near you. You want to look for a preteen, because most likely they won't have anyone willing to pay them for baby-sitting yet, and they are notoriously "bored". Ten - twelve is perfect, if you find the right girl. Ask her to come over once or twice a week, just to play. Maybe she can take your little one for a walk, or even just watch a movie with her. At that age she'll still enjoy actually playing with your little girl - dolls, house, puzzles, read books, etc. You don't have to worry about her being "too young", because you aren't leaving the house - you're just getting out of sight. Just anything that will give you an hour so that your little one isn't glued to you. If you find the right girl, she'll just love it - both of them! My daughter loves the responsibility of taking her sister for a walk. She feels like big stuff being in charge. We have a little loop in town (tiny little "town" think Little House on the Prairie, and yes, I know everyone that lives in our little town by name - most of them go to church with us!) - the girls are allowed to walk down so far, then loop around the alley back to home. In all honesty they are out of my sight for all of about three minutes per loop.

Tell whoever it is up front that you can't pay her, but explain that she'll get some experience with your little one, and that you'll then be able to be a great reference for her when she starts sitting for real. Then make sure to give her some little niceties. When you're shopping - pick her up a nail polish, maybe treat her to ice cream one day, invite her over just to visit and have cookies, burn her copies of CDs you have that she likes. Most girls that age have no cash, so little things feel like a lot to them.

I wish I had better advice for you - I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better - but I hope that it helps to know that I understand your feelings, and I also know that it will get better.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

If you get a part-time job, do you qualify for assistance to pay for childcare? I checked into assistance when I went back to college and we qualified but the kids weren't in the daycare enough hours to use the assistance.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Run, don't walk, to the nearest bookstore or library and grab a copy of Dr. Sears' Fussy Baby Book. It saved my sanity when I was just figuring out how ultra high needs my ds was/is. I also developed wicked PPD because of his extreme high needs.

It is TOUGH to have a high needs baby, and you're not bad for feeling like you don't like your dc some days. You're allowed to have those feelings. It's so hard. I have so been there. Ds is still very very high needs but at least we know how to handle it.

That fussy baby book saved my sanity, I'm telling you. READ IT.

PM me anytime, I know what you're going through.


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

Huge hugs, sweetie. I also have no words of wisdom. But I wanted you to know that someone else is listening and thinking of you. I have a partner at home and my kid aren't especially high need -- but there are still some days I want to lock myself in the bathroom or toss them out the window. So those feelings of intense dislike are NOT that unusual!!!!!

Perhaps the most helpful thing I can tell you is that dd won't be like this forever. Even the worst, most terrible phases do pass eventually.

I think the key is trying to take of *yourself* even in tiny, tiny ways. I understand you life has very little flexibility and little to no support -- so you may have to be super creative. Is is a hot bath after she goes to bed? A specialty coffee or tea in the am before she wakes? Spending a little money on some music that really relaxes you? I have no idea what little treats will make you feel special and loved and cared for -- but I do encourage you to take time to think about it.

Also -- use the TV if you have to. I don't care if I get flamed for this. But not having a break with another caretaker is a very big deal. Stick her in front of the TV in the afternoon for an hour [or two]. Even if you sit in the same room with her, at least you won't be the focus of all her energy.

I tend to hate a lot of structure myself, but I am thinking that if I was in your place, having a really reliable routine to manage my day and dd's daughter might be helpful. If your day is really structured: 0ne, it savs you the mental, emotional energy from having to "be in charge" and constently be making decisions every moment of the day. Two, it might help dd chill out abit.

Maybe you are doing stuff like this -- maybe none of this will be helpful. It's all just off the top of my head. No matter what, please know that you are being thought of with love.


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## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Have not read the other posts but thought I would ask : How much sleep is she getting? How many hours per night? Different babies have different sleep requirements but usually they need at least 12 to 14 hours per 24-hour day. I have seen babies go from always cranky and whining to happy children just because they are finally getting enough sleep!


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## apple_dumpling (Oct 20, 2004)

I am not a single mom, but DH is military, we live far away from both families, and sometimes I feel like one.... and dd is very high needs, in fact she sounds a lot like your dd... crying and whining all the time!

I don't get much time to myself, and like you I have considered getting a part time job to put dd in daycare, but deep down I know that wouldn't be the best thing for her, with her personality.

I've really tried to figure out activities that dd likes that will buy me just 10 minutes to lay on the couch... she is very active, so I've blocked off our living room area for her to play in. She also likes to go outside. When she starts screaming for no reason and I just can't take it anymore, I'll scoop her up and head outside, even if just for five minutes... it always calms her down, which makes me feel a little better. I'm also having bedtime issues with her (and since your dd is right around the same age as mine, perhaps you are too) and she screams for almost three hours straight at night before she goes to bed (not CIO... in my arms... but she just can't get settled for bed)

I love my dd more than anything in the world, but there are lots of times I think that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother, what happens if I can't handle this, how will I get through another day, etc. But I always then try to imagine my life without dd in it, and then I realize that she is so special to me, and I will just go through every day doing my best... that's all I can do.

Please try to find a little bit of support. I know it's hard in your situation. I have a couple of neighbors that I'm not super close with, but that I trust to watch dd for an hour while I take a bath and decompress. I just have them come over in my house and watch her in my living room while I destress for an hour. And if they put in a video, so be it. Sometimes those few minutes to yourself are more important in the long run. I really hope you can come up with a solution for a little more "mom" time... it's so important to take care of yourself... I know how hard it is, but it really is just as important as taking care of your babe.


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## apple_dumpling (Oct 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp*
Have not read the other posts but thought I would ask : How much sleep is she getting? How many hours per night? Different babies have different sleep requirements but usually they need at least 12 to 14 hours per 24-hour day. I have seen babies go from always cranky and whining to happy children just because they are finally getting enough sleep!

I couldn't help but notice your post after I had already posted...

I think this might be some of the problem with my dd, but we are going through a terrible time with sleep right now. I honestly think she might have a magnesium deficiency (I had to wean due to medicine I need to take).

I just don't know how to get her to sleep better.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

My dd was just like this, I never thought it was an allergy because she was always that way, I thought I just had a whiny, screaming child who never slept. Until right before her 2nd B-Day when she developed severe eczema, I knew at that point I was dealing with allergies that she had likely struggled with from day one. Yes, all the food you eat passes through the breastmilk, it can stay in your and her body for several weeks after you last ingested it. It took me a long time to figure out all of dd's allergies, she has numerous. The number one way way dd reacts to an allergen is by behavior change, once I removed most of the allergens from our diet and enviroment she became an entirely different child. When we come into contact with an allergen, her behavior changes again, it's always my first clue.She is 3 now and I still don't recognize her sometimes, it's like I was given a different child.The book that helped me to realize it was allergies is "Is This Your Child" by Doris Rapp. The allergy board here is a wonderful resource, please check it out.


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## Hippiemommie (Jul 3, 2005)

When my son was small he was very very fussy he had a milk protein allergy and after taking dairy out of my diet it was much easier! If I were you I would get a part time job maybe 2 days a week doing something you would enjoy. Even if you only made 25 bucks after paying for daycare that is still a break for you and a little extra cash.

The next thing is to get out of the house! OUT OUT OUT OUT! Do NOT sit in the house. Find parenting groups, go to the park alone, really scope you your community's resources. Here they have a mom's group where they have lunch prepared for the moms and people to play with your baby while you eat and socialize. Also if you start school they have special daycare rates that are based on your income and need. My friend got daycare for her DD for 2 bucks a week LOL

Finally you do sound like you have a bad case of PPD. I was very depressed a few years ago after a bad breakup and I never knew it until I was out of it. I look back and think how much easier that period would have been with support and the proper meds.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))


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## AmyA (Mar 5, 2005)

Didnt want to read & not reply, even though the other mamas have offered so much great advice. I just wanted to give you credit for being so open & honest about your struggle, holding it in would only make things worse! You obviously love your dd very much to seek help, she's very lucky to have such a strong mama. Hang in there, praying for you & your dd.


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## ExuberantDaffodil (May 22, 2005)

Oh Hon -









I too am a single mama that has been burned out way too many times. My ds, too, has been high needs (and still is right when I am feeling burned out the most)

I know you probably don't have a lot of reading time, but I second the dr. sears book.

My advice to you is to take one (or two!) days to yourself. I know this is tough, but it is crucial. Dad will have to deal - get him to take care of his daughter for at least five hours, and then maybe beg, plead, bribe, his sister to have her a couple of hours. During this time, relax sweetie. Get a pedicure (they make me feel like a million dollars tho I can only get them once about every 6 months because of finances), or manicure. Go to a book store and get an indulgent drink while reading magazines that match your interests. Take a bath - do whatever will help you to relax. This is absolutely crucial to both you and your special daughter. Give yourself one day so that you don't feel like you are constantly trying to steal little moments here and there for yourself.

Second, try eliminating dairy from your daughter's. This worked WONDERS with my son! I know not every child is the same, but it's a good start.

During my sons's worst moments, I realized he wanted my attention desperately, and I desperately trying to get away from him because I couldn't stand the demands. After YOUR day, try to get down on her level, listen to her when she seems to be begging for your attention. Wearing my ds in a sling elped tremendouly, tho I know it doesn't work for all children.

more later.... I gotta do some work!!


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## SoulJourney (Sep 26, 2005)

to you mama...you are so strong to ask for help! I am a single mama, too, and my ex is 1600 miles away. I was living somewhere I truly loved before DS and chose to move back to my hometown because of him. Even though I *REALLY* miss the mountains, I would have been exactly in your position had I stayed. I couldn't be happier now, and I never thought I'd say that about going "home!" I live in a less than crunchy area, so I am confident that if I can find some support/play groups here, I'm sure there are some to be found in Portland! I found you the website for thePortland LLL group...CHECK THEM OUT!!! I am single, crunchy mama (the only single mama in any of my groups) and I definitely don't feel like I am the odd man out. There are a couple of young mamas (21-22) in a tight knit group I've found and they fit in just fine, too. Just trying to say that you may not feel like as much of an outcast as you think! You *NEED* the support. I wish I were still on the west coast...I'd love to help you!

Much Love


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Wow.... thank you for all of the replies and support. I can't respond to every post but I read each of them and I totally appreciate the help, support, and advice! A few things that stood out to me:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ExuberantDaffodil*
During my sons's worst moments, I realized he wanted my attention desperately, and I desperately trying to get away from him because I couldn't stand the demands. After YOUR day, try to get down on her level, listen to her when she seems to be begging for your attention.

I do feel this way... I'm at the point where I know she wants my attention, but it feels like she wants it ALL the time and I feel like I am always "running away" from her, desperate to get time to myself (but since I never properly get it, I'm ALWAYS wanting it). I do try to tell myself that she needs my attention... its just so hard to give it when I'm burned out. I feel I could respond to better if I get a break, of course.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamademateo*
also i am now remebmbering that i spent alot of time in my car during that year. driving was the only time i could have any time or space to even think. then he would fall asleep in the car and i would sit in the car and make all my phone calls.

WE DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! All-caps because this really struck home with me -- you must totally understand what I am talking about! I waste gas driving around aimlessly EVERY DAY (ugh and its so expensive) because that is the only "break" I get. DD doesn't sleep well during the day, but she often falls asleep in the car.... and if she doesn't, she is a bit easier to distract with snacks, etc. Lately she has been more cranky in the car, which has significantly contributed to my burn-out level. I seem to be losing even THAT break.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
If you get a part-time job, do you qualify for assistance to pay for childcare? I checked into assistance when I went back to college and we qualified but the kids weren't in the daycare enough hours to use the assistance.

Yes, I think I qualify for assistance... but last I checked into it, it didn't feel like it really helped. First, it limits my options of daycare by a LOT -- mostly to typical standard daycares, I think. Its hard to find people who are set up to receive that type of pay. Also, they'll only give me $2 - $2.50/hour for childcare... which TOTALLY isn't enough to cover it. I'd still be paying for it, although sure... it might make a dent. But it won't even matter if I can't find a decent daycare that accepts state pay.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ibex67*
Also -- use the TV if you have to. I don't care if I get flamed for this. But not having a break with another caretaker is a very big deal. Stick her in front of the TV in the afternoon for an hour [or two]. Even if you sit in the same room with her, at least you won't be the focus of all her energy.

Honestly, I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to use the TV if it would work. She has absolutely ZERO interest in the television. Maybe that gives a little more information about her personality too. She is active, always "on", etc. I've seen other babies who will just like.... sit with people and hang out or something? Not my baby! She can hardly sit still!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp*
Have not read the other posts but thought I would ask : How much sleep is she getting? How many hours per night? Different babies have different sleep requirements but usually they need at least 12 to 14 hours per 24-hour day. I have seen babies go from always cranky and whining to happy children just because they are finally getting enough sleep!

About sleeping: I think she gets like..... 10-12 hours per night.... but closer to 10. She doesn't nap well during the day... she's a light sleeper. I would say she gets maybe.... 1 hour/day in naps.... but sometimes 2 hours. I also wanted to mention that she is SO happy when she wakes up in the morning and that is my favourite time with her!!!! I wish she was always that way!!


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## hookahgirl (May 22, 2005)

I think a mothers helper would be your best bet, they seem to help so many people and I think the girls really love it too!

I may get flamed for this, but if you dont think it is any allergies, I would say pudding in the bathtub.







Mix up some pudding, let it set for a bit and put her is the tub with it, she can taste it, paint with it, paint on the battub, on herself. Sit on the toilet or floor and read, write ect. This is a great activity before bed, then you give her a bath and start the bedtime rituals. I havent done it yet, but I have seen it in action and it works!
Have you tried art? Markers, crayons ect? You can get huge bucherblock paper and tape it to the kitchen floor/fridge ect and let her go to town, while you try







to get some cooking done ect.

Hugs to you!! I know those days, when you would like NOTHING more in the world than to get one thing done without interuption!!!


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## Cardinal (Feb 6, 2006)

I don't know if you have tried using a local Church or not? I have several girlfriends who use a "Mother's Day Out" program several times a week, for several hours a day for next-to-nothing. I think it is $3.00 an hour. It is educational and enriching, plus you'd get some free time to decide what your next move is going to be. Just a thought.







Hugs to you. I don't want to try and compare, but I just want to let you know that I understand how it can be to raise a baby alone. DH is always in Iraq or Kuwait so I am at home with a baby a lot without family nearby.







It can be daunting. Do you have any trustworthy neighbors or any teenagers that you'd trust for the summer to watch the baby? Maybe you could work something out so that you don't have to pay much for them to watch the baby --- in return you could tutor them or something? I dunno. I am thinking of you.


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## Lazyhead (Mar 27, 2006)

i just want to give you some love mama!

i have a very high needs dd as well and i just want to through out there that the age you're talking about seemed to be the all-time PEAK of her neediness. at least thus far









my SIL also told me that when her youngsters were younger there were churches in her area that had a "mom's day" once a month or so. you could get free child care for a few hours. i've never looked into it but she used to find these kinds of things ALOT as her family has very little income. might be something to look into...


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## Khadijah (Jul 19, 2005)

Do you think you could have PPD, I had it for awhile and it really sucks. Maybe you should try to get out more with the baby sign her up for playgroup, i knew that helped me alot when i started to get out more. Maybe you could try a public nurse. I know here in canada iwas new to the area. They sent me out a public nurse free of charge, that would care for the baby while I cooked, or wanted to take a nap or evey go to the store. Maybe that would help. I know how not having help is. Im married and my hubby is still never at home and when he is. He still never helps with the kids because he is tired.. I have found ways to help me cope and deal with things like putting myself on something were i do things at certain times of the day say like laundary monday wed and friday, and plan out what im gonna cook for the week, some time i cook stuff and freeze it and take it down and re heat, then, I dont have to worry about cooking all the time


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## Wolfmeis (Nov 16, 2004)

Kirei, I wanted to give you a cyber hug.

The other ladies are spot on about a lot of stuff.

But I can tell you that as unhappy as you are, your dd feels it; even a non fussy baby will pick up on that and act out. If you have a high needs dd already, then that makes for a cycle of stressed-mommy-cranky-baby-even-more-stressed-mommy.....

You live in one of the crunch capitals of the world. Get yourself into a circle of AP-minded mommies from this board. Seriously! MAKE your reality. You can make a circle of friends out of thin air if need be. I know you can do this.

When you get the Mommy support you need from other Moms, you will begin to relax and rely on your sisters instead of your ne'er do well ex. Please think on this. Isolation is what is killing you guys right now.

Many blessings to you!


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I have a pretty tough toddler right now too.

I am wondering if you are underestimating how willing your friends may be to help. I know you have at least one IRL friend (I remember you talking about it in a TAO thread a few months ago). You're probably thinking "that's too much to ask" but seriously, they'd probably be HAPPY to help you out, especially if you're willing to do the reverse for them every now and then. They'd probably even be happy to let you take a shower while they're over to play







. You know, a tiny bit of sanity here or there.

The fastest way to cement a friendship is to ask for a favor. Seriously. People enjoy feeling helpful and needed. It is pretty much how you move from playdate contact to friendship. "Oh, can you come over and help me cook on Tuesday, I have such a tough time with DD at my ankles! It would be great to have some extra hands!"


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## Wolfmeis (Nov 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nikirj*







I have a pretty tough toddler right now too.

I am wondering if you are underestimating how willing your friends may be to help. I know you have at least one IRL friend (I remember you talking about it in a TAO thread a few months ago). You're probably thinking "that's too much to ask" but seriously, they'd probably be HAPPY to help you out, especially if you're willing to do the reverse for them every now and then. They'd probably even be happy to let you take a shower while they're over to play







. You know, a tiny bit of sanity here or there.

The fastest way to cement a friendship is to ask for a favor. Seriously. People enjoy feeling helpful and needed. It is pretty much how you move from playdate contact to friendship. "Oh, can you come over and help me cook on Tuesday, I have such a tough time with DD at my ankles! It would be great to have some extra hands!"









:

Niki has certainly spotted me for a shower!!!!!!!!
(and I don't think she even peeked!)


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## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Quote:

About sleeping: I think she gets like..... 10-12 hours per night.... but closer to 10. She doesn't nap well during the day... she's a light sleeper. I would say she gets maybe.... 1 hour/day in naps.... but sometimes 2 hours. I also wanted to mention that she is SO happy when she wakes up in the morning and that is my favourite time with her!!!! I wish she was always that way!!
Well, it sounds like she needs more sleep. If she got more sleep, she could be happy all day long and not just in the morning. Does she have a schedule?I found that instilling a routine consisting of a very early lunch (11:30) followed immediately by a nap at around noon made a huge difference. Also, bedtime very early. We are talking 7PM. This also gives me time to myself in the evening and keeps me sane and I think that an early bedtime is much more in keeping with a toddler's natural rhythm.


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfmeis*
You live in one of the crunch capitals of the world. Get yourself into a circle of AP-minded mommies from this board. Seriously! MAKE your reality. You can make a circle of friends out of thin air if need be. I know you can do this.

When you get the Mommy support you need from other Moms, you will begin to relax and rely on your sisters instead of your ne'er do well ex. Please think on this. Isolation is what is killing you guys right now.


I couldn't agree more. I am a single momma and for the first few years of my daughter's life, I was extremely isolated. Whenever anything was particularly stressful (money, illness in dd or in me, a really challening developmental phase, etc..) everything felt magnified by a thousand because I felt SO alone. I decided to make a conscious, concerted effort to create a circle friends. I approached mommas at parks, at bookstores, at cafes and struck up conversations. If I clicked at all with them, I would make specific plans to meet up with them again and would follow that up with exchanging phone numbers and made continuous efforts to develop genuine friendships. Of course, my initial idea was to find all young, like-minded single mommas. I let go of that real quick. Some of the mommas I've become very close with and consider absolute life savers are married and much older than I am. As well, I have made a good number of single momma friends of all ages and circumstance. I also met a few mommas here and there that I realized, for various reasons, I didn't want to be friends with. That's okay too. It didn't happen overnight and it took consistency and effort on my part, but I eventually built up a wonderful circle of mommy friends. And they have all saved my ass at one point or another, as I have theirs. And they have all been priceless sources of comfort, support, laughter, and company. It makes such a HUGE mental and emotional difference having the knowledge sitting in my brain that if I had a crisis, there are good, good people who have my back. It makes a huge difference when I spend an afternoon with another mommy, venting and exchanging parenting ideas. These women are like sisters to me, but I had to work to get it. Be the change you wish to see in your life sweetie! Sending you lots of love!


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## pixie-n-hertwoboys (Aug 17, 2003)

I had to pipe in and offer my hugs and an understanding. My #1 ds is/was very high needs high strung. I heard omg how do you handle him?, you are so strong and patient, aren't you tired? he needs a good spanking... I heard it all. None of it helped.

I related to everything you said. driving for a break, sitting in the car while he slept so I could have a few quiet moments for fear if I tried to get him out he'd wake up and my moment would be gone. My neighbors probably thought I was nuts, I'd sit in the car for a loooooooong time









Then I discovered the tie between foods and his actions. it hit me - duh! I feel bad when I eat this this and this he is most likely feeling it too. I cut out all the known evils first (dairy, wheat, corn, etc) and then discovered too that despite buying what I thought was healthy the foods had hidden preservatives setting him/us off too. Once we cleaned up his diet he was a totally diff. kid. He can do dairy but not preservatives, colors, foods high in salyciates. now ds#2 can't do dairy or corn. but we had a much smoother transisition into toddlerhood.

Also, being high needs she is most likely very in tune to your moods etc. too. I find ds will act worse when I am pms'ing - viscious cycle.

wishing you peace!


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## Shelsi (Apr 4, 2005)

You could also try and find another mommy who needs daycare as well and just exchange hours for each other. That's what I've done in the past. I work in the evenings from 3pm-8pm usually. So I found a mommy who needed care in the mornings and sat her dd in the morning and then I would drop both kids off at her place on my way to work. No money was ever exchanged.

Definitely check out the "Finding your Tribe" here on MDC. That's how I've found a majority of my sitters.


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## mamabear&babybear (Dec 20, 2004)

First, don't beat yourself up about not liking your dc. I think it happens to many people more than they are willing to admit. I've been there. The important thing is that you love her and are reaching out for help. There are a lot of pp on ppd, but I don't think anyone has mentioned SAD, Seasonal Affect Disorder. We live in the outskirts of Portland, and I get it every year. This year was the worst because my dd was sick from Dec-March almost nonstop. I have a fairly high energy/needs toddler, and it is so tough. Do you have a playground near you? For me, getting us outside even if it is just for a walk can be a lifesaver. I have also found that giving my dd my undivided at the playground makes her so much more willing to play on her own. I have also made many friends at the playground!!
I have food allergies and have therefore not given my dd any high allergies foods with the exception of wheat







. It can be tough, but if you need food ideas let me know.
lots and lots of







.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I just wanted to offer you some support. My oldest was and is very high needs, challenging, and too smart for her own good sometimes. I have my dh, but he worked long hours and I had no family support, babysitters, etc. I just survived. I tried to focus on the good things that I loved her for, that made her unique. Today, at age 5, she amazes me with her creativity and compassion. She is still a little pill a lot of the time, but her good side makes up for it.

I now have her plus a toddler who has her own set of needs. What has helped me survive some days was taking the kids to the Y's daycare and dropping them off and exercising or reading a book by the pool. Or if I can't do that I go out to a museum or park just to feel more normal, distract them from their cranky mood, and relax a little bit.

I hope things turn a corner soon. ((HUGS))


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

Oh mama, my heart goes out to you. I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately - there are lots of other great mamas here who do though! - but I didn't want to read and not send you love and support. I wish I was closer, and could come and practically help out....


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## ryleeee (Feb 9, 2005)

ugh. sorry you are going through this jessy







i knew it was bad but i guess i didn't know how bad, you know? not that i do now even.

i agree that i don't think janae gets enough sleep. i thought that when you guys were visiting us, but couldn't figure out a way to get her to sleep without driving around, you know? i thought maybe her having a yard to run around in would be a good thing and help you out, but i guess it really isn't.

i thought the idea of getting a preteen to help you out was a good one, but kind of a hard thing to do if you don't know any...might sound creepy to your neighbours if you start asking around for their kids to come play with your toddler. then again, maybe not.

i have to go to sleep, but i'm thinking about you and praying for you always. if you lived closer, i'd help you out.







i'd like to kick m in the balls for you.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kirei*
Maybe its dairy? That might explain why she has always been this way (dairy in my breastmilk) but has been getting worse as she's been starting to eat it directly?

That perfectly describes what happened with my son. He was always a fussy, uncomfortable baby, to be honest, but shortly after turning 12 months he became unbearable. I was at work all day so I didn't have to cope with it 24/7 but I dreaded coming home. His caregiver was really sweet but getting frustrated...then we moved across the state and his new caregiver, who didn't need kids as bad as our first, gave it three weeks and told us to find somebody else to watch him...even said she was worried he might be autistic. Our _wonderful_ family doc suggested we eliminate dairy from his diet. See, after he turned one year, we'd been letting him have whole cows' milk to drink sometimes, and he'd always loved cheese. I think it was drinking straight milk that really put him over the edge. Anyway we cut out ALL dairy, milk cheese everything, and exactly one week later he woke up one day and was a COMPLETELY different child. We were living with DH's parents at the time and they had been really skeptical (they kept saying we just spoiled him too much







) but even they acknowledged there was an incredible difference. In retrospect I know he was reacting to dairy in MY diet all along, at a low level.

The other thing that happened around this time is that we'd been referred for speech therapy because DS was observed to be very "behind" in language development. Once we removed dairy his language exploded! (His therapist took all the credit, naturally







.)

The reason dairy (and/or wheat) cause problems for some kids has to do with how their bodies process the protein (casein in dairy, gluten in wheat). I may be oversimplifying this but essentially their bodies don't break down the proteins as fully as needed, and what's left over circulating in their bloodstream is chemically similar to a mood-altering drug. Another website I read compared it to heroin...I would have said PCP, personally







but it occurs to me that maybe they aren't reacting to the protein itself (which if it's really like heroin it should make you feel GOOD, not BAD), but having something like a withdrawal response when the amount of the protein dips at some point after eating it? That would explain why you don't see immediate obvious reactions. That is just my speculation though. Anyway, just want to let you know there is a biological basis for this, and traditional allergy testing will come up negative because it's not an allergy in that sense.

http://www.greatplainslaboratory.com/russian/test6.html


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ilovemy2ds*
same here for my support, do you think you might have PPD, that can make things worse, I have it, I just had a baby 7 months ago but know I have had it since ds1 5 years ago, It sucks and it took me a very long time to admit to myself I have it, I was a total angry bitch to everyone, mostly at my 5yo ds, I have been on meds for about 2 weeks now, and already i'm feeling better less angry and bitchy.

I don't think it sounds like PPD at all. I would not prioritize investigating PPD particularly because if you go to a specialist s/he's going to want to diagnose in his specialty as a general tendency. Yes she could probably "feel better" on an antidepressant. She could probably feel better in the short term having two glasses of wine every day starting at 2pm or hitting the valium every day! (No I am not saying that antidepressants are drugs of abuse, I'm trying to make a point about SITUATIONAL depression and stress and crutches.) What she is describing is a toddler with exceptionally high needs and a mother who is very giving & understanding of potential trauma issues with a child who has problems with separation and mother is neglecting her own needs. I am not judging! I might very well neglect my needs too. After all the baby will grow up. But I have lots of support so I don't have to find out.

True PPD is a horrible thing that should be taken very seriously and moms should get appropriate help. Falsely labeled PPD is feminist issue. Poor working conditions for many SAHMs is a feminist issue (not sure how to approach it, but I can identify the problem). If she had a boss in the workplace who threw a tantrum every time she tried to go to the bathroom or make herself a sandwich, no one would suggest that the problem was PPD or SAD. No one would suggest that having passing fantasies about resignation were signs of mental illness. Quite to the contrary. Sounds pretty healthy.

My daughter was not high needs, but she did have separation issues. She was traumatized when I tried a separation (preschool 1 day/week) at about 20 months. Now she's 30 months and OK taking a gymnastics class by herself, going off with my mom or a trusted babysitter.

Take care.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Now some advice now that my mainly political type rant is over.

I like the book Happiest Toddler on the Block.

And try instituting some floor time. Set a timer for one minute at a point where you want to make yourself a meal or something for you. Tell her it's floor time ... and when the timer goes off, you will pick her up. You might pick a music CD to play only during floor time to make it an even more predictable experience for her ... so she can remember that it's floor time. Set her down and let her pitch a fit. You're right there, moving around, firmly but lovingly telling her that it's floor time now. If she tries to attach to your leg, you can initially ignore her but in a day or two, start gently but firmly prying her off reminding her that it is floor time. Children are so very, very, very, very rarely traumatized by not getting their way all the time right in the presence of a firm, loving parent. When the timer goes off, pick her up, cuddle her and do something that is a treat for her. Do this every day ... at a consistent time of day is better, but you may need to do it according to your own needs, increasing the time on the timer gradually. If she's not tolerating this better after about 2 weeks, you probably need to look at the food tolerance issues and any other health issues she may have. She may not be happy yet but she should be better. If she's not better tolerating this predictable pattern, there might be something going on. (Molar cutting can really suck.)

I hope this helps.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

pigpokey, I see from your post count and join date that you are fairly new...do you realize this site promotes Attachment Parenting (AP)?

The technique you are describing is essentially blanket-training and not at all an AP approach. It suggests that this child is simply poorly disciplined. Why "wait two weeks" to try to see if allergies are a problem? A pretty basic tenet of AP philosophy is that children don't "misbehave" for no reason. Sounds like this child is very unhappy. I would really want to figure out what is making her so unhappy rather than try to train her to tolerate being ignored in her unhappiness.


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

It sounds more like she is reacting to the family NOT being together. She NEEDS to see her Dad more. I am NOT blaming you for that at ALL. Many men once out of a relationship are Fathers when convenient. I am NOT saying ALL because there ARE exceptions. This one fits the norm though. If she saw him more she'd likely be less agitated. I am NOT discounting food allergies either because they can play a HUGE part in a persons emotions. I am sending you HUGS mama.


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *afishwithabike*
It sounds more like she is reacting to the family NOT being together. She NEEDS to see her Dad more. I am NOT blaming you for that at ALL. Many men once out of a relationship are Fathers when convenient. I am NOT saying ALL because there ARE exceptions. This one fits the norm though. If she saw him more she'd likely be less agitated. I am NOT discounting food allergies either because they can play a HUGE part in a persons emotions. I am sending you HUGS mama.

Huh? Can you elaborate please? How would seeing her father more equate with her being less agitated?


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

NEEDS to see her dad more eh? This REEKS of good 'ole conservative family values if you ask me. If a therapist told me this I'd laugh in his face; it is no solution. Sounds like if anything this child needs to see LESS of a pretty worthless father until he can figure out how to interact with her; he is unwilling to learn now and she shouldn't be subject to his half-assed attempts. I'm all for whole-assed attempts







but I don't think that a child deserves to be put through the motions, and it is THIS that seems more worrisome than raw lack-of-mantime.


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## Wolfmeis (Nov 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shonahsmom*
Huh? Can you elaborate please? How would seeing her father more equate with her being less agitated?

To simplify what I think she's saying, "She misses her Dad." She's acting out because she misses her Dad.

I don't think it has to be "keep the family together" and all that, but if the Dad is acting like a babysitter-with-more-authority, then he's doing almost worse for Kirei and her dd than just being gone altogether.

The baby needs a _relationship_ with her father, so that when she sees him, it's seeing HIM instead of being AWAY from Mommy.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Your post made me so sad, I wish I could hug you but unfortunately I am in Texas (this is unfortunate for many reasons).

Forgive me if I am pointing out the obvious but it seems like you are isolated and lonely. I moved from Seattle to Texas (not Austin) when my baby was 4 months old and it has been a struggle for me to meet people as a WAHM but that was something I just needed to do to keep from losing it. Let me suggest that you give the "older", married moms a try. Most of us can remember what 22 was like and all of us know what having a child is like so we could be valuable resources for you. Even if the moms aren't the "perfect fit" on paper, a playgroup is not a marriage so you can get out at any time and in the meantime you will get that all valuable adult interaction time even if it is spent talking about poopy diapers. I know that it might be hard inserting yourself into groups you are not usually comfortable with, just find a good manra, take a deep breath and do it. -Easier said then done, I know.

For me, I met a neighbor with a child 4 months older then my daughter. Her daughter is a spirited child where mine is more laid back but they love playing together (as much as 13 and 17 month olds do). Although we are the same age, I am a liberal, atheist, non-spanking, married heathen and she is a fundementalist Christian, occasionally spanking, single bible-person. Since we live so close together, we see eachother almost every day and we argue about childrearing. I highly recommend finding a neighbor, even one that is the exact opposite of you, to visit with even for a few minutes every day. Seeing another adult human being on a daily basis is completely underrated.

I don't know if you are religious but the south (read: bible-rific places) they have "mother's day out" programs. I had never heard of them before I moved to Texas but it is basically a daycare at a church for cheap two days a week (about 7 hours total). I have never taken dd because I have become a militant atheist since moving but every other SAHM does, it seems.

Another option is calling your local community center to see if there are any parenting support groups. The community center where I took prenatal yoga also housed PEPS (pepsgroup.org), which on the face of it looks like a good group.

Last but not least, if you will be in Seattle at the end of the month, let me know and I will hug you in person. I am jumping for joy at the prospect of seeing friends and having family babysit. At this point, I would rather go to Seattle where I spent most of my life then an all-expenses paid trip to Europe because the people connections are just that important.


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## bhawkins (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp*
Well, it sounds like she needs more sleep. If she got more sleep, she could be happy all day long and not just in the morning. Does she have a schedule?I found that instilling a routine consisting of a very early lunch (11:30) followed immediately by a nap at around noon made a huge difference. Also, bedtime very early. We are talking 7PM. This also gives me time to myself in the evening and keeps me sane and I think that an early bedtime is much more in keeping with a toddler's natural rhythm.

I completely agree. I know that all children are different in their sleep requirements, but that just doesn't sound like enough for a 16 mthold, IMO. My 13 mth old still sleeps 10-11 hrs at night and 3-4 hrs for naps. When his routine gets interupted, he is a much fussier, clingier baby. Maybe try to gently establish a naptime routine and maybe she'll start taking longer naps, which will give you some much needed alone time.

I also second or third the mother's helper idea. I have a 10yr old, so I can say that they are bought out very cheap but can do SO many things. Plus your child would no doubt love to spend time with a girl of that age. Perhaps you could find a homeschooled child near you who has some time she could spend at your house a few days a week.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wednesday*
pigpokey, I see from your post count and join date that you are fairly new...do you realize this site promotes Attachment Parenting (AP)?

Yes I am. I do not personally think that what would be anti-attachment for a child under one year is anti-attachment for a sixteen month old. I think the psychology of the smaller infant is different. I would not have suggested this for a younger child. I am very, very passionate about bonding of the motherchild and how it positively shapes the child's future. I was not suggesting the child be excluded from the mother's presence, restrained, etc. I do think it's OK psychologically for a child to find out if she can tolerate being in the mother's presence without interfering with her so the mom can get something done. I think children of 16 months benefit greatly from being able to observe moms getting things done, normal human activities. If the mom can do these things while carrying child, great. This mom is describing that not being able to take place. Also the mom is describing not having a tribal system in place to help make the environment more to everyone's liking.

Quote:

The technique you are describing is essentially blanket-training and not at all an AP approach. It suggests that this child is simply poorly disciplined.
I don't think so. I don't think it's discipline. I think it's setting up a nonpunitive system that the mother can live with and is well within a typical attached 16 month old's acceptable psychological makeup. It may not be the system she would choose with vast resources at her disposal.

Quote:

Why "wait two weeks" to try to see if allergies are a problem?
Actually I'd quite prefer it but the mom seemed resistant to tackling that project and it is quite a project and she just needs to try something first to move toward getting herself out of a bad situation. I know as a parent I do not always choose the route that I think might possibly be the best. I give them preservatives, I use disposibles ... We're tired!!! As my aunt told me once, when they are little, it's mostly about survival. Yes, of course, not a complete wisdom, but it has its rings of sense sometimes.

Quote:

A pretty basic tenet of AP philosophy is that children don't "misbehave" for no reason. Sounds like this child is very unhappy.
I didn't say she misbehaved. I can't tell if the child is very unhappy. I read, from the mom's post, is that the doesn't like it when her mom is walking around doing something and she can't participate in the exact physical position in the world that she wants to. I read that the child acts more tolerant of being on the floor when mom is just sitting there not being as interesting. I don't know if this is because of food allergies, something else, or just because of her personal preference to be right in the middle of things so her sharp mind can contemplate them from the ultra-pleasant position of mom's arms.

My son is 15 months old and threw a tantrum the other day because it was too cold and rainy and I locked the back door so he could not go play with his basketball hoop. Welcome to reality, kid. He is well attached, well nursed, slept with, adored, clean, loved, and cherished, and no one has cut off his foreskin. But that doesn't mean I have to end all productivity to help ease his unhappiness when the issue is that he wants to play with the basketball hoop and I don't want him to. He knows where I am. I'm right there in the kitchen. He's not six months old. He can understand the source of his discomfort in that instance. He needs to let go of the small dream of playing basketball right then. He's old enough to contemplate pleasant future basketball games and go get on with his childhood.

Quote:

I would really want to figure out what is making her so unhappy rather than try to train her to tolerate being ignored in her unhappiness.
I think that if this is a mere preference, it'll be apparent with predictible parenting in a new and within attachment system. If it's not a preference, then absolutely.


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## annarosa (Aug 30, 2004)

what a terrible situation ....hugs and support to you

I wanted to say that whining can drive any sane mother insane - it really is a terrible thing
however, I don't think that your daughter is doing this to intentionally 'get at you' in the way that you maybe feel when you wrote that you believe 'she can't stand you doing anything for yourself'

really she is just being 3 and 3 year olds have periods of insecurity and periods when they just have to test their mammas and push them to the edge ....

I agree with all that has been said about getting more out of your ex and maybe asking for more from his sister too - you do need the break and time to yourself...

also, try to head off the whining episodes a bit - some ideas might be - before you start cooking put on some children's music for her and set her up with crayons or a small snack, or try to involve her in the cooking - can she wash/play with potatoes in the sink or put/play with pasta in the saucepan, or wash lettuce or salad ?
or with cleaning, does she have a little brush or cleaning sponge of her own so that she can play/clean alongside you ??
thinking of small ways that she can feel involved but at the same time not really interfere with your main task might help her feel more included....


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:

Huh? Can you elaborate please? How would seeing her father more equate with her being less agitated?
Changes like this in a home can be traumatic on a child. OP stated that ONLY she the childs Dad have watched her. He is NOT spending much time with her due to her "behavior". She may NOT behave like that if she sees that Dad loves her. Children deal better when they know both parents love them for who they are. Regardless of how they are acting. I am not always a fun person to be around butit's nice to know people love me in spite of myself. There is no doubt in my mind that this OP mama is doing the best she can. She NEEDS a break. Poor thing MAMA AND CHILD.


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfmeis*
To simplify what I think she's saying, "She misses her Dad." She's acting out because she misses her Dad.

I don't think it has to be "keep the family together" and all that, but if the Dad is acting like a babysitter-with-more-authority, then he's doing almost worse for Kirei and her dd than just being gone altogether.

The baby needs a _relationship_ with her father, so that when she sees him, it's seeing HIM instead of being AWAY from Mommy.

Thank you for seeing the nature of my post. I have a horrible relationship with my Dad and it has caused a lot of external issues in my life. The biggest being trust issues. NOT feeling loved because I was rejected at a young age. Looking for LOVE in ALL the wrong places if you will. I had NO idea my post would get so twisted out of context. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. In short Dad NEEDS to get over himself and become a better Dad with less whining about the child's behavior.


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *afishwithabike*
Thank you for seeing the nature of my post. I have a horrible relationship with my Dad and it has caused a lot of external issues in my life. The biggest being trust issues. NOT feeling loved because I was rejected at a young age. Looking for LOVE in ALL the wrong places if you will. I had NO idea my post would get so twisted out of context. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. In short Dad NEEDS to get over himself and become a better Dad with less whining about the child's behavior.

And the only way a dad is going to learn how to deal with it is by dealing with it and learning over time how to interact, and not just thinking that the visit is only for an hour and soon it will be over. Children do need both parents, and parents need the other parent to relieve some of the burden. Both parents are are stuggling to deal with a cranky child during their time with her. K is here getting some good tips on how to handle it. Maybe she can pass them along to her ex when she drops her daughter off. Sort of like, "oh, if she gets cranky I have found that X, Y and Z work well. See you after my pedicure."


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## Bad Mama Jama (May 29, 2005)

Oh, mama!







I am sooooo sorry that it's all crashing down around you. Don't think of it as him babysitting. This is his child, too, and you may need to work out arrangements that include more time so that you can get a break for your sanity. Are there any of those women's clinics around you that are free (or low cost) that deal with mental and physical health?


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

This is a kind of long thread and I hope I haven't missed a similar suggestion, but have you asked your ex to pay for part-time daycare? If he works so hard and he's not willing to take care of her himself, he should at least pay for someone else to give you a break.


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry your having a difficult time mama. Have you gone to the Finding Your Tribe board and seeing if there are other mama's in Portland? Maybe a mama on here would meet up with you so you could socialize while the kids played together. It's really hard some days when you forget who you are....you only know that you are a mom. Hope you are doing okay!


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## SoulJourney (Sep 26, 2005)

Hey mama...another suggestion: Is there a YMCA near you? I know the Y here has a sliding scale membership fee and offers free memberships to those who need it. They have a childcare service that is free for up to two hours. I'm getting ready to do this myself, otherwise I wouldn't A)have the money for a membership and B)have a babysitter so that I could go. Just trying to think of as many options as possible for you! Keep us updated so that we know how you're doing!


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## ernestholmes (Jul 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kirei*
I love her but I don't like her.

I'm posting because I need help.

I'm a single mom.

I dream about putting dd up for adoption.

I can't live like this much longer. Something has to change and I don't know what. I just can't do this.

WHY did fate put this cranky, unhappy, high-needs baby with a single mama that has pretty much NO help??

I just don't know what to do anymore.









Oh dear mama,

Just be true to yourself and make yourself really make the change. Don't stay in this rut because it will end up hurting the baby and hurting you. Don't be a martyr!

I am a single mom to a special needs child who is now 4, but she was once 2, and it has been hell enough for me to sit on my couch and say out loud, I can't do this, I have to put this baby up for adoption. I have felt deeply before that I was doing her a disservice keeping her with me when my resources and sanity were stretched so thin. Some days I still want to pack it all in and flee to a different reality.

But I can promise you if you commit to change it can get better and you can raise your child. You cannot do it without a support system of child care. That has to be child care for you to take time off and not just to go to work every day. Day care isn't the ideal, but if that keeps you from abandoning her or walking in front of a bus, then do it for a couple of hours day.

If your family is supportive I would immediately move back east. I haven no family so I am truly on my own. If I had some I would have moved home two years ago.

You are not a bad mama. We have to invest time in ourselves or we shrivel to hateful wads of misery.

I haven't read this whole thread, so I hope I haven't repeated everyone words.

A couple of pieces of advice from BTDT:

If you are drinking or taking any kind of drugs for relief, please stop. Get help from a support group to do so. I found as hard as it was to stop my life and my fuse got 100% better when I stopped drinking and smoking pot.

If you are spiritual, go to spirit, or god or whatever the higher power of your understanding is and really dig into that resource, there wil lbe miracles.

GET CHILD CARE.

NEVER SPANK. It will do nothing but inflict permanent psychological scars on her and make you miserable... just make that committment: no physical force.

You will go insane without childcare. You must do whatever you can to get time every day for yourself within reason.

I will send light your way, I have so been there.

Hugs.


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## ernestholmes (Jul 24, 2005)

I have two more things after skimming top to bottom on this page.

#1 - forget about managing what the father will or won't do! You can't make him change or so anything - save your energy for you! Understand he's useless, at least right now. Move onto problem solving you actually CAN DO.

#2 YWCA is a great resource idea, I got it into my head once I was going to work out and get hot - what a laugh - but it was prediagnosis and dc went to YWCA chilcare senter for 90 minutes while I exercised and took a nice long interrupted (unless she pooped or needed feeding) shower.
They don't change dipes there.

#3 - You are in a fairly big city... is there no LA Leche League there? If you find one - get to it! those mamas get together and they would reach out to you.

Great idea though - until you get the child care thing sorted out - go to the Y every morning for a little break and she will have other kids to play with!

Love & Light


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## ernestholmes (Jul 24, 2005)

Check it out!

http://www.google.com/maps?hl=en&lr=...91189563469592

This google link takes you to but one of the many YMCA's in Portland which emphasizes on their home page thy have financial assistance for those who cannot afford full program fees - all YMCA's do!

there are a bunch more centers if this one if not close enough to you -Just google Portland YMCA's and they pop right up.

You won't be able to leave the center while dd is in care - but you can get some time to yourself to take care of yourself.

Let us know how it goes!


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## Collinsmom (Apr 27, 2006)

I soo wish that I was closer, even just for the day, I hope that you can find some help I just started a group here for me because I didn't know any other moms I am sure that it will help me. here's a link for your area. http://mops.org/Groups/group_search....&src=GS#result There should be little or no cost. but MOPS is ment to be Moms helping Moms. I hope that you can hang in there and find some help, hang in there!!


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## Mama8 (Mar 6, 2006)

Mama,
I too have a high needs demanding toddler. She is 30 months old now and it has gotten better but at times I still feel like someone is







My dd has a sensitivity to cows milk and she craves it like nothing else. She actually has behavior changes with milk, constant runny nose, dark circles under her eyes and sometimes even stomache upset. Yet she really really really likes cows milk. If you are going to cut anything out I would start with wheat even from your diet. It is such a common allergin.
I would also if at all possible try and find a sliding fee scale mental health professional and get evaluated for depression. If you do have depression and you have gone through a heck of a lot getting it treated would do a world of good.
Third I would definately call your local LLL and start going to meetings. Usually there are different types of parents there. It may feel overwhelming but one step leads to another and before you know it you are there.
Lastly, I empathize with your feelings about wanting to pull away from your dd. Sometimes I feel that way with my 30 month old when she is screaming so loud for the 30th time that evening it is hurting my ears because she was told that we don't hit. But we have found that the more you pull away the more the behavior increases. It isn't because you are doing something for yourself she is doing this behavior, she has no clue you are doing something for yourself, it is just she doesn't have another way to act. Could you 2 go to the beautiful mountains, parks, waterfalls around you and breath some fresh air and let her run and play burn off some of that energy and possibly refresh you too? My dd at that age was so frustrated she couldn't verbalize all that she wanted us to know so she was a very whiny, angry sad little girl until we figured out that helping her to say what she wanted help cut the frustration level down for her.
Well, there are my suggestions. I hope from all the mamas who posted here you may be able to glean something that works for you good luck.


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## aznaturalmom (May 12, 2006)

Hello...I feel almost like you do. I have a 14 month old son who I can hardly put down to get myself something to eat. I am now 20 pounds underweight. I have similar problems with my husband not giving me relief when he comes home... or at least it is not the relief I am looking for. There are days that I just want to sit in a corner and cry by myself. I love my ds tremendously but I just wish he was less clingy. The only time I can do anything is at night when he sleeps, and even then, he stirs ever so often to nurse, so I have to run into bed before he cries.

A couple of new things I am going to try: Bach Flower therapy(for both of us). Babysitting swaps where other children are involved. He loves being outdoors so I am getting outdoor play stuff to distract him while I try to eat, etc. A backpack carrier.

I cannot resort to daycare, I just don't like leaving children crying for too long and I know that a friend of mine went to a gym, left her son in the kiddie care so she could work out and then came back to get him and found he had been crying for a long time with a runny nose.

I will also read through the posts and see what works and if I find other suggestions, I will post again.

Thanks to all who responded.

Hang in there. Later on she will appreciate and be a more secure individual for what you are doing.


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## Max'sMama (Apr 3, 2004)

I am so sorry you are dealing with all this stress. I agree with what many others have said, get out of the house! See if any of the local hospitals have breastfeeding support groups. That is often a way to meet like minded moms, or just to visit with other moms and have time for your daughter to get comfortable with new kids (best these groups are free, and it doesn't matter if you delivered at the hospital it's offered at). Definitely check out the LLL, post at a co-op or other 'crunchy' places that you would love to start a playgroup, that meets at a mallplay area, or local park or other free place. We have a playgroup at a mall, great way to just be with other moms and kids, again free! Storytime at the library.

I think more sleep may be an issue too. My 28 month old still needs 13-14 hours minimum, a day, in order to be a happy camper. Look at the library for a book called 'the spirited child' I love this book. Can you work in a garden or other outdoor activity? My son loves to find 'slimeys' aka worms in the dirt. that is hours of time for us. I try to have as few toys outside so that he is more focused on what we are doing.

My dh was deployed from ds's 4th through 20th month, what I found I HAD to do every once in a great while was, take a shower, even if he sat in a pack and play and screamed for 5-10 minutes. He was OK, not happy, actually REALLY ticked off, but I got a shower, got clean and that helped my sanity. I know the whole AP thing, and this may get me flamed, so what. Kids can cry, if they have been attended to and aren't needing anything, if it will help your sanity, she won't be scarred for life to be upset for a few moments ( I had to let this happen with ds only a handful of times, while dh was deployed, but it made a world of difference in MY ATTITUDE towards my son).

One of the coping techniques I also used was to take a very deep breath, at the moments that ds was most clingy and I wanted to run the other direction, and say 'ok what do we need to do?' Then I would look at ds and see his reaction. Maybe it was we needed to make pancakes at 3 pm and he needed to mix everything together. Or he needed to 'peel' the carrots, I give him a super small camping wisk that he 'peels' food with. Or we needed to just sit and have cuddle time.

Another technique I started when ds was about 20 months was to institute the 'whining' area. I say to him that he is entitled to whine, but we have a place to do that (outside or his room). That way he still can express his frustration and communicate, but the whining (which I personally cannot deal with) cannot be done in the family area. He understands that now completely and when he starts to get whiny (which is resultingly rare) he marches himself to his room and will climb into his chair or bed and grunt and throw a fit, then about 5-45 seconds later come out and tell me he feels better. Probably every other time I go with him and we talk out what the whine is for. It has been a SANITY saver in our home.

Good luck and keep us posted as to what is working for you!


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

just wondering how you are doing?


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## SleepyMamaBear (Jun 5, 2005)

Hey Jessey,
first of all. BIG HUGS!









Morgan actually asked me when we saw you at Sat mkt if i knew what was going on with you cause you looks so... detatched and upset.

i want to help you if you will let me.

you can bring her here for a few hours on the weekends. or for a few hours after our nap time. i dont mind watching her an hour everyday if you need it. and i can do 2-3 hours on weekends. PM me and let me know, and if you cant afford to pay me with cash then maybe we could barter a service of some kind.
i dont know if you looked into the YWCA or the YMCA yet, but those are also good resources.

also. at 16 months toddlers are going through another seperation anxiety phase. i second a pp's advice on either getting a book or taking a class on childhood development. especially in the toddler years. its REALLY hard to accept and understand whats going on with our kids if we have no clue where their development if leading them to next. and without understanding comes resentment.

now i might get flamed for saying what i am about to say, and i dont intend it maliciously at all. just offering my own two cents.
if you think about giving her up for adoption for real, why not look into your options on open adoption? if its just a fleeting thought. please disregard that comment. but if it really is something you truely do consider to be an option in your heart, then you owe it to yourself and your dd to at least look into it.

if you need a shoulder, or an ear, or just a strong cup of tea, i am here.

also, at16 months she should be getting lots of breastmilk still (which you are giving her) but also she should be sampling a variety of foods by now and having regular meals. even if they are small meals.
routine can help kids alot. maybe try setting up a schedule with wake up, get mama milk, get ready for the day, have a small breakfast(for her, regular breakfast for you) do some playtime in the yard, or some coloring with crayons, or painting, or clay time, something to hol her interest, then a down time, some snuggles, then a small lunch, a nap time, some after nap snuggles, an activity, a small snack, a "mommys helper" activity, where she helps you to do whatever it is you need to do around the house, like give her a cloth and ask her to wipe the front of the fridge or dishwasher etc while you cook, or give her a small hand broom and dust pan and ask her to "clean" the floor. of course she isnt going to clean it, but alot of toddlers love to help out. then a bit of dinner, some reading time, and bedtime routine ie: bath, massage, nursies, whatever you guys do to get ready for bed.

i used to play it by ear with Addy, then at about 15 months or so i noticed that she was setting her own schedule, so i read her cues, and wrote myself a tentative daily schedule, that included things *I* needed to get done, like cooking, or dishes or laundry, and things she needed to get done too, like naping, meals, play time, snuggle time.

and once she started sleeping more she got less cranky. now when she doesnt get enough sleep she is a booger!!!! and i feel like pulling my hair out.

if you need anything let me know.


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## SleepyMamaBear (Jun 5, 2005)

damn double post


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

I'm chiming in late to this thread, and I've just skimmed through. But I wanted just to say a couple of things. First of all, when my ds was 16 months, I could have written your post word-for-word. As the other wise mamas in the thread have pointed out, you NEED to figure out how to take a break. It's not optional, any more than eating is. You HAVE to, or you can't be the kind of mama that your beautiful baby deserves.

Also, this paragraph reallly stuck out at me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kirei*
I'm at the point where I know she wants my attention, but it feels like she wants it ALL the time and I feel like I am always "running away" from her, desperate to get time to myself (but since I never properly get it, I'm ALWAYS wanting it). I do try to tell myself that she needs my attention... its just so hard to give it when I'm burned out. I feel I could respond to better if I get a break, of course.

Gosh, do I know how that feels. I always tell my dh that I feel like I'm constantly putting just enough gas in my tank to barely make it to the next filling station. I'm never running on a full tank. But then I stop to think that maybe that's how my ds feels, too. That's when, no matter how tired I am, I sit down and give him a big hunk of uninterrupted attention. We play and read books and crash cars and talk about dinosaurs. Then we'll sit and snuggle and love on each other for awhile, too.

Once I KNOW for certain that HIS tank is full, it seems to be easier to let him know that now I need some mama time.

The last thing is that, you have to remember, like all things, this too will pass. With my ds, it really helped when he became more verbal. And heck, now that's he's over three, he can actually sit and play by himself for 15 minutes at a time, or so. Being the high-needs kid that he is, that's still not as much as many of the other kids his age, but it's enough to let me take a shower, or make dinner, or just sit and relax for a little while.

All the best to you,

--Olive


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## singlemomto3 (Dec 16, 2005)

I didn't read all 5 pages, but I think you should try to find a moms group, where stay at home moms get together. There is meetup.com or maybe do a search for moms and your city. I wish you were closer to here cause we are working on starting a mom group. Good luck. My instand message is gahbmmrd on yahoo if you want to chat.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Oh, hon. I wish you lived in my neighborhood. I would help you out with at least keeping her a few days a week.

I was a single mom until my daughter was 12. It was, in it's own way, easier to be single. I had only my daughter to focus on. When her Dad was around, he was more work than the baby.

I COMPLETELY feel for you.

I don't have any magic answers for you. My only thought is to try to get a copy of "The out of sync child" and read through that. It may have nothing at all to do with your daughter....but it may be that your daughter has a sensory disorder. That means that a child with a sensory problem may overreact to something that we think is normal. Sound bothers them more, the way certain things feel bother them more. Movement bothers them. Adults see it as the child is rude or bratty, when it's really that they are very sensitive to things.

This would be the kid who HATES sleeves, or flips out during fireworks. SHe cannot bear to have the ends of her socks touching her toes. That kind of thing. Of course normal kids with normal sensory integration STILL act like this to a point. (Mine was a PITA about clothes) but, the kids with issues are over the top.

Anyway. I know that is not much help for how you are feeling. I wish I could offer more help. I really understand how you feel though. JUST ONE DAY of shopping (guilt and worry free) would feel wonderful wouldn't it?


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

I just wanted to reply and say THANK YOU for all of the replies and support. I was busy all day yesterday and wasn't able to get back to people. Things are pretty much the same, although I really think Janae has molars coming in.... maybe just one right after another. I have read all of the replies and I'm considering all of your ideas and suggestions, so thank you so much!


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

hope you got my pm









also as i was saying what i was gonna post:

it seems to me from what i have read is that you just need some time off, to do your thing. you do love/like your daughter and i can see that. heck i myself have gone through the same thing with the kids iwork with (aka my kids







) and the ones i do work wtih when they get overly fussy and dont know what to do. but i just remind myself of the times that have come and will when they just come to you for support and attention, not all kids are perfect, and how they look up to you.

also is it possible to tell your ex: "shes your daughter too, and she does need you in her life just as much as she needs me in her life" pretty much tell him to man up? sorry if i sound harsh.

so sorry if i sound harsh, or just plain dumb/ignorant. leme know if i am. and ill try again.

cheers
panditha


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## laylaybabymama (May 2, 2006)

well at least you have three hrs i dont get three mins im a singel mom my self anh has far has your baby you need to try and let her cry sit next to her tell her what you are doing it wont right away ex when you make dinner have her in her chair and play with some small pots and pans make belives she is cooking with you also when you eat do it together she might feel left out if and also make things fun not job i know it you cant keep picking her up every time she cry thats what is exs


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## Cardinal (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laylaybabymama*
well at least you have three hrs i dont get three mins im a singel mom my self anh has far has your baby you need to try and let her cry sit next to her tell her what you are doing it wont right away ex when you make dinner have her in her chair and play with some small pots and pans make belives she is cooking with you also when you eat do it together she might feel left out if and also make things fun not job i know it you cant keep picking her up every time she cry thats what is exs
















:


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## Marilyn82 (Jan 26, 2005)

See how much support you have? You can always post your thoughts here, and not worry about getting flamed or anything, because we know it's tough. Hugs!

I wanted to say a few things. There was a post somewhere back about having your ex pay for half of daycare. Take him to court! He should have regular visitation arrangements with his daughter. That may mean taking her every other weekend or something. You need for him to have court-ordered visitation. You also need to have court-ordered child support arrangements which should include that he pay for half of any daycare and also that he cover her insurance if he is employed and has benefits.

Now, in the event that he is too much of an ass for you to feel comfortable leaving her with him for very long, than definately the YMCA or something like that. Also, have you looked into returning to school? Many community colleges have daycare on-site and if you qualify for financial aid, than you can usually recieve childcare assistance as well. Because the childcare is usually used to help teach some of the students, alot of the programs are pretty good. For instance, one of our local community colleges has a reggio-emelia approach. Also, if you qualify for aid, you can usually qualify for grants to help pay for living expenses. Just an idea as an alternative.


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