# Advice for mothers of gay children



## ibarbiebeatdown (Dec 20, 2010)

If you discovered your child was gay or bisexual, how would you react?

Some of you may have never thought about this, but now's the time.

If you're a strong Christian and you think it is just wrong and against

God's will to be gay, don't discriminate your child, don't make them feel

like a freak, even if you think that. It could only lead to drug use or running

away, or worse, suicide. Unless you're some sick inhumane parent,

you wouldn't want your child to think that you hated them or were disgusted

by their choices. I say it's their choice, be who you want to be, It's not effecting

you. More and more homosexual kids are getting made fun of by other kids

and feeling ashamed and wanting to end it all. Do you want that? Do you want

your child to feel like less of a person just because of someone their attracted

to? You can't help who you fall in love with. You can't, love is love no matter

what gender, that's what i believe. Just accept and love and care for them,

treat them like you would if they were the way you wanted them to be.

Don't make them go through it alone either. Stand by them, make sure to

tell them "Honey, I'm proud of you. No matter what you do, I'll always love you"

That's just my thoughts. I heard about all these kids killing themselves.

My boy, Brynnen, discovered he was gay in 6th grade, when he was in the boys

locker room he came after school and said "Mom, what do you think about gay

people?"i have a gay friend named Brian who was my friend in high school and he

was one of my best friends. We still get together sometimes. so i said "Well, I'm

not gay but i don't have a problem with gay people, why love?" and he told me

"Mom...today in the boys locker room i got a boner looking at one of the guys

undress...and i feel weird when I'm next to this boy in my class, Alex..like tingly

and all i want to do when i see him is kiss him and be with him...Mom, i think I'm gay"

I never thought about what would happen if my son turned gay. But right then,

I didn't mind. i told him "If you're gay, that's fine with me. You love who you want to"

I don't want to start a mom feud or anything. Everyone has their opinions.

Now, after my big ramble, moms, what's your opinion? what would you do if

you straight child turned gay, or how do you treat your gay child? :]


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I don't think a straight child (or adult) can turn gay, but welcome here mama, and good going on that. I think you'll find this to be a safe community for parents of gay children, plus gay parents, friends of gay people, trans, etc.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

A straight child isn't going to turn gay anymore than a gay child is going to turn straight. Your child is either straight, or gay, or bisexual, or asexual, or pansexual, or simply queer. It's the way they were born and the way they will always be.

And laohaire is right, you'll find this site is very much in favour of accepting, respecting and loving your child no matter what. We have plenty of GLBTQ parents on this board.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I grew-up in theatre and was a professional stage manager for many years. My kids are in theatre as well. Needless to say we are very immersed in the gay community. Be best childhood friend and "honor attendant" at my wedding is gay. My uncle is gay and married his partner on their 25th anniversary. Countlesss friends are gay and lesbian. My DD (13) has several openly gay friends who we love.

If my own son came out? Well, I'd be sad at first. No one wants their child to suffer and being gay, well, unfortunately, at this point in time, many do suffer. It wouldn't change my love for my child. I wouldn't try to make him change.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

I think a person is gay or not. Like a person is straight or not. They don't "turn" one way or the other.

I've had gay friends and family members. Doesn't make a bit of difference to me. And both of my kids know that.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> I think a person is gay or not. Like a person is straight or not. They don't "turn" one way or the other.


Yes, and I don't believe it's a "choice," anymore than it's a choice to have curly hair, or be tall, or allergic to cats.

With DS1, I'd be surprised. Not so much with DS2....he's always been a bit metro. 

I won't lie...I'd be sad. Not because I have any problem with gay people, but because I know it can be hard to be gay in this world, and of course nobody wants someone to treat their babies badly. But it wouldn't bother me otherwise.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

My thoughts:

1) i don't believe one "turns" gay, at any age. I believe sexuality is a preset but many-layered thing and people usually discover who they are sexually, as mentally and emotionally, as they grow up and live their lives. I don't believe sexuality can be "made" or "cured" externally. It's in there already.

2) i remember having crushes as described on girls at that age and i am not gay, i was just growing up and those feelings can come, unbidden, as your body's systems come on under hormonal influences. So if my kid said that to me at that age i would tell them about that, about how i had those feelings and turned out to be mainly straight, and that they shouldn't worry about it either way because gay or straight, they are a really wonderful person, and i would probably ask them if they wanted or needed me to do anything for them as they processed this.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think all parents think about the possibility as our kids are growing. I know I did anyway.

My daughter is not gay, but I like to think I would have been completely supportive. We always mourn the loss of our dream for our kids, but no more than any other dream. I think we all imagine our children's life as an adult, and I bet they rarely do what we hoped they would do.

In the end, as long as my adult child can support herself, have happy relationships, never get in trouble, and be a happy responsible adult... that's all I want. (I'd like grandkids and a wealthy son in law... but, I'll keep that one to myself)


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> I think all parents think about the possibility as our kids are growing. I know I did anyway.


Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.


I have to agree, unfortunately. It's always been at the back of my mind with my oldest, although at this point he's into girls. But, at 19, he's still finding himself. And if that's who he ends up being? <shrug> So what? He's still my boy. And if not? Same response. But I've seen the reactions from (some) other parents. I've lost a lot of friends over the possibility. I have no interest in being friends with people who think it somehow reflects poorly on him as a person or me as a mother. Even worse is the pity I get. Gah.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Unfortunately not all parents consider the possibility. Many (possibly most) live in a world where having GLBTQ children is something that happens to someone else.


Uh.. You lost me after B what is T & Q for?


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## stardogs (Sep 10, 2010)

I think the T = Transgender and Q = Queer?

No children here but DH and I have already discussed this issue. I am someone that is often one of the first people friends tell when they come out as gay/lesbian/etc. so I apparently give off a very accepting vibe unconsciously (and consciously now that I've realized how hard it is to come out to friends and family - I want there to be no question that I am a straight ally). I've always been of the mindset that I would hope a future DC would feel just as comfortable and loved about coming out to me as my friends have. My friendships have not changed after I learned of their sexual orientation and I plan to treat a relationship with a child the same way - no change in how I feel about or interact with you and a listening ear always available.

My DH initially said that he'd be mad (when we first talked about this 3 or so years ago), but after meeting some of my friends who are gay/lesbian and lots of discussions he's changed his tune (thank goodness) - he'd be sad that the child would be facing a life that might be more difficult, but would still be supportive of them, though it might be a bit awkward initially.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I think T is less specifically for Trans - which includes both Transgender and Transexual.

I believe Queer is a catchall term for anyone who just doesn't fit the sex/gender social norms. Probably my brother is queer, but he is not homosexual and not transexual and not even transgender though the last is the closest to it I guess. So the Q captures him where the others do not.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer/Questioning

And FYI transgender is the generic category which includes transsexual, gender queer and all the other fun gender identities.

If you really wanna get complicated... GLBTQQIA.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I have thought about it. I considered the possibility before I had children. From a very young age, I've tried to ensure that my children know that wouldn't have to fear coming out to us. As it turns out, both seem to be heterosexual. DS has had a girlfriend for 1 1/2 years now, and has had opposite sex romances since he was 12 or so. DD has also had an interest in boys, although she hasn't really dated or had a relationship with anyone yet.

An inclusive approach from an early age helps. DD's adored kindergarten teacher is gay and most of the parents in our neighbourhood want their kids in his class because he's such a great teacher. We are avid readers, and one thing I've done is to make sure we owned YA books with gay characters. 5 years ago, there didn't seem to be too many books available, but I found a few. I think it's probably easier to find books now, and it's almost obligatory for every t.v. sitcom and drama to have a gay character. Both of my teens attend a performing arts high school and they participated in the "It Gets Better" initiatives at the school last autumn. There are a few students at their school who are openly gay, so I'm not too concerned that my kids would be afraid to come out because of peer pressure.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *laohaire*
> 
> I think T is less specifically for Trans - which includes both Transgender and Transexual.
> 
> I believe Queer is a catchall term for anyone who just doesn't fit the sex/gender social norms. Probably my brother is queer, but he is not homosexual and not transexual and not even transgender though the last is the closest to it I guess. So the Q captures him where the others do not.


Thanks. LOL.. now that I think about it, it should have been obvious. But, I got to "Bi", and thought "tri", so I was going to have that explained to me. (I'm very easily led)

Does anybody else remember when "Queer" meant "odd" or "suspicious"? "He's acting queer.... I wonder what he's up to?" (takes on a whole other meaning now)


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Queer/Questioning
> 
> ...


 Heh, no wonder we often just pull out the rainbow flag and just be done with it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


 I remember the old use of queer, but just barely. I don't think it was heavily in use in any way in the early 80s, kind of an old fashioned word at that point? But then in the late 80s people used it as a derogatory term. I grew up in the Boston area, and people would say "oh, that is so quee-ah" in that Boston accent. I think it was the mid-90s when it got "reclaimed" as a term.

Sort of off topic, but I had also been thinking recently that I credit Ellen as a major turning point (obviously there were other key events, Stonewall, Matthew Shephard, etc). When she came out in the mid-90s (or late?), her show got dropped and it was a big deal. A lot of people were uncomfortable. I can't imagine that happening today - someone in show business comes out now and people more often say "oh, I thought he/she already came out." Having this happen in show business really changed things because when Americans are used to watching Will and Grace (which I believe debuted within a year or two of Ellen coming out) or whatever, then it's just normal. Oh, there's the stereotypes galore, but it just changed things, whereas previously queers (using as a catchall here) were invisible and suspect ("there's none in OUR town" was probably the predominant attitude) they became a friendly, funny, attractive face in every American's living room. Well, anyway, there's my cereal box synopsis. Cheers, Ellen.


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## AtYourCervices (Feb 22, 2009)

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## mommaof3boz (Feb 15, 2006)

I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl". I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something. Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommaof3boz*
> 
> I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl". I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something. Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.


I don't know.. I remember being slightly confused at that age. I was a TOTAL tomboy. Almost more than a tomboy. But, I really, really liked boys. I had crushes earlier than nine. They were all from tv shows, and mostly grown men. But, I had a few odd little "Girl crushes". (Christy McNichol and Tatum Oneal).. seriously though, after bad News Bears, how could you NOT have a crush on Tatum Oneal??

Anyway, I think I knew I liked boys by age nine or ten. Not in the sophisticated mature teenage crush way







, but in the "I'm going to marry Fonzie when I grow up" sort of way.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommaof3boz*
> 
> I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl". I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something. Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.


True, but I guess the point is to be supportive no matter what, not that you have to label them specifically.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommaof3boz*
> 
> I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl". I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something. Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.


You'd be surprised what a 9 year old can know about their sexuality and who they want to marry.


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## AtYourCervices (Feb 22, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...












You don't magically figure out that you're gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, etc. once you hit puberty. Most of my friends knew their sexual orientation at a young age. Those who didn't come out until later in life were struggling with it internally or questioning even from a young age.

It's not about wanting to do each others' hair and makeup either. That made me laugh.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommaof3boz*
> 
> I'm not sure at nine if a child truely has the full concept of "marrying a girl". I wonder if she has heard enough positive talk about glq (etc lol) that it sounds "fun" or something. Or more like "if I live with a girl we can put makeup on each other and braid each others hair" not in a sexual form or anything.










That's not what I was thinking about doing with my little girlfriend that I was madly in love with when I was nine... we didn't have a really clear concept of what sex was, but we wanted to marry each other so we could do whatever the heck it was that the grownups were doing!


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> You'd be surprised what a 9 year old can know about their sexuality and who they want to marry.


Funny how nobody is surprised when straight nine-year-olds announce that they want to marry the opposite gender... but I had a friend's mom tell me I couldn't possibly know if I was bisexual "yet" when i was FIFTEEN...


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I have never heard the term pansexual.... But anyway if one of my boys (or all of them for that matter) or my daughter declare themselves any of the above metioned terms, then I will love and support them. I cannot imagine turning away from one of my children, ever.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Pansexual is when someones sexuality doesn't conform to the idea of male or female. So they are attracted to people of all gender identities, including those who fall into a transgender identity too.


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## sharon71 (May 27, 2005)

It would not bother me at all if either of my children announced if they were not heterosexual. I'm very supportive of the rights of homosexuals and find absolutely nothing wrong with such a lifestyle.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Congratulations! How many children feel safe enough with their parents to discuss this kind of thing? Hell yeah, momma!







You've done something right! You have created a safe space for him around a topic that can be filled with shame and embarrassment. You have a lot to feel good about. It might be a good idea to let him know that EVERYONE has some same-sex sexual feelings at some time...my thought is that sexuality is a continuum, and we are all on it somewhere (I said that to my ex-FIL once--who was also and ex-Marine--and I thought he was going to kill me). We are who we are. You can't get "turned gay" by an experience anymore than a gay person can get "turned straight." I am a happily married woman (to a guy)--second marriage to a guy with a long-term lesbian relationship in between the two marriages. I can't tell you how funny I thought it was when people asked me when I "decided" to be gay or straight--I would look at the person asking (who was always straight) and say "Golly, I dunno...when did you decide to be straight?"

And just like any other responsible, practical parent: talk to your son about using a condom every time. Buy them, practice on a banana or whatever, get the stigma and weirdness out in the open so he can learn how to use 'em...just like any other tool that people need to use. Like a seatbelt. Use it every time, save your life.

Also, be aware that there are wonderful organizations like PFLAG that have terrific support and advice. Being gay is not, in my experience, an easy way to live...but then again, what is? It has gifts just like every other challenge. Now go give that boy a kiss and tell him you love him!


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## aslyn (Dec 12, 2007)

like all the other mamma's here I will always love my child no matter who they get into a relationship with. It would surprise me if DS1 announced he was interested in boys since he has been into girls since about 5. DS2 hasn't shown a preference one way or the other at nearing 5yrs..DD1 has never once shown any interest in boys at all (10) and gets very mad if anyone brings up the fact she doesn't like boys; she once went on a tangent at the bus stop on a neighbor who asked me if I thought it was normal that a 10 yr old didnt like boys. she replied "well some boys like boys and some girls like girls and your just gonna have to get used it" she went on the bus as the neighbors jaw dropped, I didn't say a word and DD has never said anything one way or the other about her statement..I am a big supporter of gay rights and the kids have been around gay people since birth so for them its really natural to just accept that everyone does things differently


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## Kyamo (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GoBecGo*
> 
> My thoughts:
> 
> ...


I agree with #1.

For #2, be really really really careful how you word that. I am bisexual and when I told my mom when I was a teenager, she told me a similar story to yours, and basically implied that she thought it was just a phase and I would grow up to be straight like her (she did not use those exact words, but that is how it came off). I did not feel like she was taking me seriously at all, I was hurt, and later on I hid the fact that I had a girlfriend. So please take your children's statements about these things seriously. I think usually if a teen "comes out" to you they have put a TON of soul searching into it, and it is unlikely to be something fleeting.


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## ReginaPhalange (Dec 26, 2010)

This is such an interesting thread. I think it's important to be open to what your child tells you at any age. As a PP said, sexual identity is multilayered and people, especially young people, find different layers and identities at different times on the way to finding their true selves. Try not to get too hung up on labelling (It can be hard not to, but try!), and accept however your child identifies at a given time. They may identify differently later, or it may stay the same. Either way is normal.

It can also take people a while to come out to themselves. For me personally, from an extremely young age, maybe 3 or 4?, I preferred females. Later this turned into an aesthetic preference and eventually sexual attraction. But growing up in middle America in the 80s and 90s, I didn't have a name for what I was feeling. I had never heard of gay or lesbian. It was very obvious to me what I was feeling "I like girls. Girls are so pretty. I like to look at pretty girls." While I never had an epiphany that this was "abnormal" (in my culture at the time), obviously I twigged to something because I kept my mouth shut about it and never breathed a word to anyone. When I was older and found out what a lesbian was there was kind of an "Uh-oh" moment and a lot of denial. A lot. Eventually I could not deny it anymore and had to admit to myself that however difficult that path was, I could not be me if I didn't go down it.

If you suspect your child may be GLBTQ, realize that they may need to come out to themselves first. Even if they have a loving and tolerant environment, it can be incredibly difficult to deal with the realization. You may feel like they are shutting you out or keeping something from you, like you have failed and they don't trust you, but in actual fact they could be just starting to come to terms with it themselves. After they have accepted themselves they may feel like coming out to others. Keep the lines of communication open, let them know that you are there if they need you, and let them make their journey.


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## Scarsmommy (Jan 7, 2011)

This is actually I have been going through recently with my 12 yr old daughter. Apparently its the new trend in her school for girls to be bisexual and now she says that she is bisexual to and has a girlfriend. So I tailored my sex talk and gave her information to read on being bi sexual and explained to her that I loved her regardless of what gender she chooses to like. Some of my friends freaked out when I told them whats going on but I refuse to freak out. If that is what she chooses then I am behind her 100 %. Its like I tell her .. as long as you grow up to be a productive member of society and make something great out of yourself then that is all that matters.


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## AtYourCervices (Feb 22, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Scarsmommy*
> 
> This is actually I have been going through recently with my 12 yr old daughter. Apparently its the new trend in her school for girls to be bisexual and now she says that she is bisexual to and has a girlfriend. So I tailored my sex talk and gave her information to read on being bi sexual and explained to her that I loved her regardless of what gender she chooses to like. Some of my friends freaked out when I told them whats going on but I refuse to freak out. If that is what she chooses then I am behind her 100 %. Its like I tell her .. as long as you grow up to be a productive member of society and make something great out of yourself then that is all that matters.


Just make sure she's not doing the "bisexual for male attention" thing. Those girls always annoyed, angered and confused me.









It is disrespectful to those who are GLBTIQQ to "pretend" to be gay to be "trendy". Make sure she knows this.


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## Scarsmommy (Jan 7, 2011)

I made it very clear to her that its not cool to say you are bi just because all your other friends are saying it to.. or to impress the boys. Apparently most of the boys in her school think its gross for girls to be bi so I don't think thats her reasoning behind it. I think she is just trying to figure herself out. I also had her have a long talk with my brother.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AtYourCervices*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


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