# How do you handle the frustrated toddler who can't figure something out?



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

DD (17 months) has been getting easily frustrated by fine motor tasks lately--things like putting shapes in the shape sorter, putting Little People onto pegs, manipulating small lids, etc. She can DO these things, but sometimes it takes her a few tries, and as soon as she fails once she is crying angrily in frustration, saying "Help, help." It's not that she wants me to do everything--she doesn't, and it isn't a passive kind of thing--but she just gets furious when she can't "make it happen" right away. It's like "HOW DARE YOU, LID???" :LOL What do you do when this happens? DO you help? I know she can do it, but if I say calmly, "Try again--I know you can do it" she sometimes just completely freaks out, and I feel rotten. On the other hand, I sorta feel like an enabler, helping her do things I know she can do. Tips??


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## Ex Libris (Jan 31, 2004)

My ds is also easily frustrated. If he doesn't get it by 2-3 tries he cries or throws the offending object. (He gets it from me--I'm not a terribly patient person, either







). But I just do what you do. I offer encouragement, only occasionally moving/tilting something so he can better accomplish whatever he's working on. But I have to do it w/o him seeing, b/c if he sees me helping it's even worse. He'll really get mad and start throwing things. I figure he's just frustrated with himself, not me, when he can't do something, so I just let him work it out. Plus, I read a great book by John Holt called _How Children Learn_ which advocates just letting kids learn by doing w/o our help (no matter how much we want to step in). He says they'll figure it out on their own and feel much better about it when they do--they already know we're bigger and can do things they can't, so why rub it in their faces by taking over? I think Holt has a good point, at least where my ds is concerned. I guess you just have to figure out what works best for you and your dd. Good luck! Kelly


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## RAHAKC (May 31, 2005)

I'm probably all wrong....but I usually give verbal directions and if that still doesn't work, I help by holding her hands and giving verbal directions (like turning the puzzle piece around, move the piece to the right, put the hair on top of the girl's head, etc). When it's in place, I always say "Hooray, you did it!"

If my dd is working on something away from me, I let her continue with her frustration until she asks for help.....even though she gets frustrated, she still continues to work at things by herself and usually accomplishes them by herself.

Good luck!


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## Mihelinka (Nov 2, 2004)

My ds gets frustrated w/ those kinds of toys as well, not sure if its those shape sorters, the age or both. I usually help him put in the shapes & say horrah you did it! He doesnt seem to have time to figure out that the specific shape goes into a specific hole for a reason!! Sometimes we don't spend much time w/ these types of toys. I tend to switch to something else if i see hes getting very frustrated & just swinging his arms ready to lose it. I'll go do something he is good at or that I know he really likes.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Yeah, I have the tendency to steer her away from them too sometimes, but then I wonder if that is a disservice. I try to leave her to it and not hover, but the screeching tends to set in pretty fast a lot of the time.

I just am not sure--if I started NOT offering help when I know she is capable, would she start to chill out about it? Perhaps I'm rescuing too much?


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Maybe this is wrong, but when I see he's frustrated, I either give him verbal instruction, or go over and help him. If it's a lid, I'll hold the can while he snaps the lid on. That way I've helped him but he's done part of it himself. And he isn't screaming anymore. :LOL


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## lisap (Dec 18, 2004)

I find that a soft, calm voice and a little assistance usually do the trick. DD gets frustrated by just about everything these days so I really have to keep my cool and help her work through her issues!


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

If Simon is clearly getting frustrated and I'm nearby and can help, I'll do so in the way that minimizes my input so that he is mostly doing the task by himself. If I'm further away or not sure if he wants me to help, I always ask him: "Do you want me to help?" He is clearly communicating that he is frustrated. I care that he is frustrated. Hence I offer help. I'm not sure about ignoring the fact that he's frustrated; this might be interpreted as me not caring. If dh were visibly frustrated about something I'd offer him some help too. If Simon indicates that he doesn't want help, I'll let him proceed on his own. Usually though he does prefer some help. As to whether this will impede his learning: I don't really see why it would. With a little bit of help he can do the task at hand. If left to be frustrated he'd probably start to wail or throw the offending object. I like him to know that he can rely on me to help when he needs or wants it. I don't see this as "enabling." It isn't that he doesn't want to do these things himself or is becoming lazy b/c I sometimes help him out. I help him out b/c he can't yet do these things -- at least not easily or consistently. He'll learn how to get those cicles and squares into their proper holes in good time. I don't care when that is or whether he'd do it a month sooner if left to fend for himself (though I doubt that this would be the case).

I don't reward him for getting the bits into the container, or at least I try not to. Sometimes I will say "You got the circle through the hole" and smile to acknowledge that he managed to do what he was trying to do. But I don't make this into a big party hip hip hoorah. Among other reasons not to use rewards (see the Kohn threads!), I feel that this would make the times he doesn't get the bits into the hole more disappointing for him. If he's not getting the bit into the hole, I might say something like: "You're trying really hard to get that circle into the hole" and smile to acknowledge his work. I smile at him all day long. This isn't contrived or manipulative; he just makes me smile.


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## sbgrace (Sep 22, 2004)

Sometimes I try and "miss" also--I think it helps my boys see that it is ok to mess up and to keep trying.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Sbgrace, what a good idea! I will do that.

Quote:

It isn't that he doesn't want to do these things himself or is becoming lazy b/c I sometimes help him out. I help him out b/c he can't yet do these things -- at least not easily or consistently.
I notice that if I am farther away or slightly out of earshot and DD thinks she is more "by herself," she is much less likely to freak out. I think it's partly that she gives up easily if she knows that I am right there and can do it "better" or faster. Does that make sense? I may be overinterpreting, too.


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
If Simon is clearly getting frustrated and I'm nearby and can help, I'll do so in the way that minimizes my input so that he is mostly doing the task by himself. If I'm further away or not sure if he wants me to help, I always ask him: "Do you want me to help?" He is clearly communicating that he is frustrated. I care that he is frustrated. Hence I offer help. I'm not sure about ignoring the fact that he's frustrated; this might be interpreted as me not caring. If dh were visibly frustrated about something I'd offer him some help too. If Simon indicates that he doesn't want help, I'll let him proceed on his own. Usually though he does prefer some help. As to whether this will impede his learning: I don't really see why it would. With a little bit of help he can do the task at hand. If left to be frustrated he'd probably start to wail or throw the offending object. I like him to know that he can rely on me to help when he needs or wants it. I don't see this as "enabling." It isn't that he doesn't want to do these things himself or is becoming lazy b/c I sometimes help him out. I help him out b/c he can't yet do these things -- at least not easily or consistently. He'll learn how to get those cicles and squares into their proper holes in good time. I don't care when that is or whether he'd do it a month sooner if left to fend for himself (though I doubt that this would be the case).

I don't reward him for getting the bits into the container, or at least I try not to. Sometimes I will say "You got the circle through the hole" and smile to acknowledge that he managed to do what he was trying to do. But I don't make this into a big party hip hip hoorah. Among other reasons not to use rewards (see the Kohn threads!), I feel that this would make the times he doesn't get the bits into the hole more disappointing for him. If he's not getting the bit into the hole, I might say something like: "You're trying really hard to get that circle into the hole" and smile to acknowledge his work. I smile at him all day long. This isn't contrived or manipulative; he just makes me smile.

I don't uderstand why it's not good to clap and make them feel accomplished? I do all the time and he looks up at me smiling waiting for it now







I always encourage him to try while giving a little help if needed and then say "yay" for him. Though, he has never been one to get easily frustrated when trying to do something.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

I will help DD if she's getting frustrated, and often if she's not we'll do something like take turns putting the blocks in the sorter or pieces into the puzzle (especially w/ the puzzles that are still kind of advanced for her), and when it's done, I just acknowlege the accomplishment as a joint effort. I figure, at some point this stuff will really be joint activities when she's older, so why not encourage cooperation along with coordination.

I also give verbal directions and help her do what I'm saying by moving her hands to help her learn the words for said directions. I figure she'll learn "Rotate it clockwise" as easily as she'll learn the coordination to actually follow through w/ it.

We do a lot of puzzles together, it's her favorite activity, but even puzzles she can do by herself quite easily she has no interest in w/o joint effort--I have to hand her the pieces for the spots she points to, or point to a spot to choose which one she should pick up, etc. I think the focus on cooperation has helped with her frustration.


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