# Why do some adults ignore children??



## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Grrrr....

What is up with adults ignoring children? I mean actual intentional ignoring.... I am certain that such people would never ignore another adult, and would not stand for being ignored.

I rant because it hurts...

We went to Jackson Bottom Wetland Reserve a few nights ago for an educational evening for kids. The experience was great! Loved it! However, we attempted to attend a nature walk (this is at night, keep in mind). The leader grouped everyone together, and began to give run down and instruction. She was very clearly speaking to the adults, not the children (whom were expected to stand quietly and listen, I guess). Cool, whatever.. no issues yet. Then, she reaches into her bag and brings out maybe 6 to 10 flashlights. She tells the group that they are covered with red material so as not to scare animals with the lights, etc... Then she starts to hand them out. My son looks her straight in the eyes, and I see that she is looking back. He asks loudly and clearly "may I use one too, please?". Then she pointedly raised her eyebrows and then turned away from him. He was really hurt! The gal handed the lights to most of the adults and a few kids. My son was in disbelief... like he expected she would turn around and hand him one afterall. He kept asking... "Mom, may I have a light, too? Why wont she let me use one? Is she getting more?" I am certain that she heard him say these things, too. WHY DID SHE IGNORE HIM WHEN HE ASKED NICELY?! A simple "no, only the tall people get them" or "I prefer older people carry them" or "I already have in mind who will get them" or "no..."... SOMETHING. The outright ignoring really hurts him.

See, this is just one example. It happens a lot... and it hurts his feelings EVERY TIME He has decided that he does not like instruction-based or class-style projects or activities because there is a point in each experience so far where he asks a question, shares, or otherwise approprately engages the adult only to be ignored. I am not talking about someone not hearing him - I am talking about actual ignoring.

We were at the zoo yesterday. We sat to take a break near a rest room and grassy area. There was a child about Zion's age sitting with his mother along the same rock wall area. Zion went up and engaged the boy in a kid conversation about the eyes on an animal painting on a close by wall. I was not focused on the interaction, but I did pick up on some discouraging energy from the mom. Then Zion walked up to her and her huge bag of popcorn sitting next to her. He asks her, "may I share some popcorn, please?". She looks at him, and then looks away. "May I have some, please?" he says again. Then he pauses and helps himself to a handful (note: it is amazing how quickly things go down, I was not able to interject or redirect before this happened - telling it is like slow motion, when really the whole interaction happened so fast). She looks at him and in disgust says, "I bet your hands are just filthy!". Zion pauses with the popcorn in hand, hovering over the bag. He is frozen in confusion - was that a no, then? So he sets the popcorn BACK IN THE BAG! ( ) The lady sighs and humphs this audiable gust of disgust. I removed my son from her (we were sitting right next to eachother) and noticed that he child was playing in a puddle of standing water next to the bathroom... far more disgusting than my son's hands for sure! Her child's actions, SHOCKINGLY, were being ignored.

Why did she ignore Zion? He speaks clearly, he is soft and kind, and all she had to do was say "no thank you" or even look up at me and say no... or... SOMETHING.

Ok - done ranting.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Children are not 'seen' as human beings, our laws do not see our children as human beings, neither. They are just tomorrow's workers.


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## uberwench (Jul 25, 2003)

ouch! that would made me livid, embers.

If it's any consolation, it sounds like your son has more politeness and better social skills than either of the 2 "grown up" (and i use the term loosely) people you described.


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## mika85 (Aug 9, 2006)

awww no, those ladies were so mean!! that just breaks my heart.







your DS is very polite, too, my goodness he doesn't deserve to be treated like that! i would just give him a big hug and tell him not everyone is as nice as he is.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Ok, forgive me if I misunderstand. Did he go up to a stranger, ask for her food and then help himself without permission?


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## oregongirlie (Mar 14, 2006)

This really gets under my skin. The worst part is when a parent ignores his or her own child. The other day I saw a little boy, maybe 4 years old, jogging after mom in the store, "Mom, mom, mom, um, mom?" It's all I can do to keep from saying, "Someone is trying to get your attention!" Maybe I should speak up more. I mean, if it were her friend running after her would she ignore her the same way?

Some people act like kids don't exist.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Hmmm, but if an adult went up to another and asked for some of their popcorn we'd think it bizarre, no? And I think it would not be uncommon to ignore that adult stranger.

So your reason why your child should be treated differently???

I think the adult is waiting for you the parent to intervene. To say "no honey we don't ask for ( ( or to share) food from people we don't know" or whatever you want to say to indicate that most people find this inappropriate.


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## Lazyhead (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
Hmmm, but if an adult went up to another and asked for some of their popcorn we'd think it bizarre, no? And I think it would not be uncommon to ignore that adult stranger.

I think if an adult came up and asked me for my popcorn I would say "Um, no...." But if a kid that was just interacting with my kid came up and asked me for some of my popcorn I would say "Sure" or "You'd better ask your mom first" or "Um, no...."







It's rude to just ignore someone even if their request may be strange.


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## 1xmom (Dec 30, 2003)

That is just awful. Sadly, some people just think kids don't have feelings and have the "should be seen, not heard" mentality.







:


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## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel* 
Ok, forgive me if I misunderstand. Did he go up to a stranger, ask for her food and then help himself without permission?

He's three and a half. Some social and survivalist niceties tend not to be developed at that age.


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mika85* 
awww no, those ladies were so mean!! that just breaks my heart.







your DS is very polite, too, my goodness he doesn't deserve to be treated like that! i would just give him a big hug and tell him not everyone is as nice as he is.


Very very mean ladies! The parent was mean too, even if she didn't want to share. This has happened to my son as well because he is really outgoing and friendly and some people just don't like kids. As for the guide on the night hike, I would leave a comment about it to hopefully prevent her from routinely ignoring children on walks that are family walks or for kids whatever age on up.


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oregongirlie* 
This really gets under my skin. The worst part is when a parent ignores his or her own child. The other day I saw a little boy, maybe 4 years old, jogging after mom in the store, "Mom, mom, mom, um, mom?" It's all I can do to keep from saying, "Someone is trying to get your attention!" Maybe I should speak up more. I mean, if it were her friend running after her would she ignore her the same way?

Some people act like kids don't exist.

If my son has already gotten my attention, I addressed his need or answered his question with a yes or no - I am inclined to not respond to MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM< MOM a million times either. I am not to be begged for stuff in the store. My dS gets attention constantly from me and kids in stores can get kind of obnoxious with the constant asking and pleading.


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## Greenie (Sep 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *uberwench* 
ouch! that would made me livid, embers.

If it's any consolation, it sounds like your son has more politeness and better social skills than either of the 2 "grown up" (and i use the term loosely) people you described.

Couldn't have said it better myself.







:


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oregongirlie* 
This really gets under my skin. The worst part is when a parent ignores his or her own child. The other day I saw a little boy, maybe 4 years old, jogging after mom in the store, "Mom, mom, mom, um, mom?" It's all I can do to keep from saying, "Someone is trying to get your attention!" Maybe I should speak up more. I mean, if it were her friend running after her would she ignore her the same way?

Some people act like kids don't exist.

I hope you're prepared for the day you say something to me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aywilkes* 
If my son has already gotten my attention, I addressed his need or answered his question with a yes or no - I am inclined to not respond to MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM< MOM a million times either. I am not to be begged for stuff in the store. My dS gets attention constantly from me and kids in stores can get kind of obnoxious with the constant asking and pleading.









: Exactly. You can only answer a question so many times and the begging gets old really fast. By the time my son gets to the "mom, mom, Mom, MOM!!!" point, I've already answered his question and given my explanation. I'm not going to repeat myself a dozen times because he doesn't like the answer.

OP - What happened to your ds was totally different and unacceptable. There's no need to be rude to him, a simple answer and explanation would suffice. I hope he's had some experience with nice strangers because I'd hate to think those two women are setting the bar.







:


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Well, to answer the original question, some people just don't like children. That's their perogative, I suppose.

Other people think that their parenting style is the only style out there, and they are put off by a stranger's child that expects them to share their food or take a "grown up" responsibility like carrying a flashlight.

Some folks feel that if there's nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. Maybe they want to say something like "get lost, kid" or "this isn't for you" but are biting their tongues.

Maybe they're just rude people.

<shrug>

It's NOT nice, I know.

But... I think that we spend a lot of time thinking about our kids, and putting their needs first, and treating with them with respect... but for other people, that's just not on their radar.

The reality of the world is that some people are going to squeal with excitement when they see your kid, some people are going to turn up their noses, and then everybody else is going to fall somewhere in between.


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## mich (Apr 19, 2002)

It hurts because you are taking it personally. It's not personal. People get cranky, people have issues, people can be suffering tragic loss and still have to lead nature walks, or go to the Zoo and eat popcorn.

It will break your heart even more when he is 5 and playing at a playground, and is trying to play with a couple kids and they ignore him, or they turn to him and say "go away, we dont want to play with you!"

I remember this day for my first child and it was horrible!!!!!! The only thing I can do is model compassion for the mean kid and rise above it. "Wow honey, that was a mean thing to say. I wonder where he learned that? Do you think someone treated him that way? Poor kid, it's going to be hard for him to make friends."

I do the same thing with rude adults. Everyone has bad days. Everyone is rude at some point. I also would have tried the "excuse me, my son would like to ask you something." to the flashlite lady so he could ask again. I think adults are actually easier to handle. It's the kids that I worry will hurt my children.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

The thing about the light would have made me sad for my child. Poor little guy. I hope he forgot about it quickly. I probably would have stepped in myself and asked the lady if he could have one.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

If your son had come up and randomly asked me for popcorn I probably would have said "no" and "where's your mom?" If he had reached into our bag and taken some because I didn't answer fast enough, I would have been somewhat stunned and probably would have said "that is not yours, WHERE is your MOM?"

But there's a chance that if I'd just been screamed at by another parent recently that I would just not say anything and bustle away from him as quickly as possible. Because everyone thinks their child is a fragile hothouse flower who can't stand the crushing experience of being told "no" and who think "where is your mom?" is a detailed critique of their parenting style.

I guess I am just a big meanie but I have trouble imagining any kid I have ever known well walking up to a stranger and taking their food. I was taught that that is not only rude but possibly dangerous.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel* 
Ok, forgive me if I misunderstand. Did he go up to a stranger, ask for her food and then help himself without permission?

&

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
If your son had come up and randomly asked me for popcorn I probably would have said "no" and "where's your mom?" If he had reached into our bag and taken some because I didn't answer fast enough, I would have been somewhat stunned and probably would have said "that is not yours, WHERE is your MOM?

I think that I get what you are saying, because in circumstances like that I may feel or react somehow similarly, however...

See, the bag was out next to her, and being ignored by her child. Her child and mine had been playing together and talking... and the bag was between where I was sitting and where the other mom was sitting. There was not much distance... not like a random child wandering to someone and begging for food. I have to admit, from his prospective, I can see that it looked like the popcorn was being offered up to BOTH kids. He asked very clearly and nicely, and she responded by turning her head away from him. Perhaps as if he asked someone for something and they silently handed it to him but did not respond. He was not grabby or presupmtious outside of basic child forwardness. When she commented to him negativly, he froze with confusion, and then responded by putting it back (the logical way to fix the problem... just not applicable in this case!)

I did, however, tell him (instantly) that it is generally not a polite to ask people for their food (we do play groups and get togethers more days out of the week than not, and food sharing... especially with popcorn... is very common) unless mom says its okay - best to ask ME first. In this situation, however, he did not just run up and grab a handful of popcorn... He did, to his understanding, all of the right things in a respectful social situation.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44*
Hmmm, but if an adult went up to another and asked for some of their popcorn we'd think it bizarre, no? And I think it would not be uncommon to ignore that adult stranger.

So your reason why your child should be treated differently???

I think the adult is waiting for you the parent to intervene. To say "no honey we don't ask for ( ( or to share) food from people we don't know" or whatever you want to say to indicate that most people find this inappropriate.

If an adult went up to another adult and asked anything - "may I eat your children?" "can I have your car?" - ANYTHING - another adult would not just out-right ignore and turn their head in response. So no, I do not HAVE a reason why my child (_OR ANY CHILD_) should be treated differently. The point of my post, friends....

If a complete stranger came up and asked me for some popcorn, I would happily OFFER them some! I do not ignore strangers that ask me questions or try to engage me in conversation! Perhaps my family's feelings and approach on being interactive with our community and the world has rubbed off on my son. Darn. Hehe...

I do agree on the point you bring up about the adult waiting for the parent to intervene. I believe that it is the parent's responsibility as a parent to be aware of a child's actions and behaviors, and also to be a filter between them and the world.... less and less as the child matures and ages.... until the child is no longer a child. So,







I agree. This specific situation went down in such a way that I was not able to intervene - I wish that I had been able to, because guidence and learning from me would have been much better in the moment than the effect on my son of being ignored and then receiving negative and unclear comments from a stranger.

chinaKat - Okay, I can see that, as well. I think that what I am seeing/feeling are seperate instances, but happening frequently... and EACH ONE with other parents or child-activity leaders, etc in places (zoo, parks, etc) that are child-focused. It is sad that regular ambiguous bloke on the bus ignores a child's conversation... but the pattern I am refering to are all at child-focused gatherings or events









Thanks for all of the comments... even to the posters' comments that I do not neccessarily agree with. Different prespectives and ideas aid me in developing a larger picture, and in turn I may be able to come up with new ideas and language when guiding my son. The feed back is appriciated!!!


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *embers* 
&

If an adult went up to another adult and asked anything - "may I eat your children?" "can I have your car?" - ANYTHING - another adult would not just out-right ignore and turn their head in response. So no, I do not HAVE a reason why my child (_OR ANY CHILD_) should be treated differently. The point of my post, friends....


That has NOT been my experience at all. I have seen many times when living in a large city, where if an adult starts talking to a stranger and the person moves away really fast or totally ignores them. If a stranger asked "Can I have your car", my guess is at least 1/2 the people would just ignore the person asking and pray they went away as fast as possible!

And if the person said something like "Can I eat your children" probably 99 percent would have turned away and ignored them (the other 1 percent would have looked for a cop!)


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

It may be a regional difference but adults ignore each other all the time, here. If someone is being obnoxious or inappropriate everyone will just try to avert their eyes and pretend it isn't happening.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I think a lot of us are ingrained not to talk to strangers, even if they are sweet little children.

A guide at a nature park shouldn't have ignored people since it is her job to be informing and making a positive experience of the walk. That is different from a random stranger that your child is approaching. I think you would be quite right to speak to her or her supervisor.

It sounds like your ds is getting confused about what is okay in one situation and what is not okay with others. That is natural for his age. If this happens a lot in different places, then maybe you should teach your child to always ask you first for something they want from a stranger and then you can help with the request.


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## oregongirlie (Mar 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LovemyBoo* 
I hope you're prepared for the day you say something to me.








: Exactly. You can only answer a question so many times and the begging gets old really fast. By the time my son gets to the "mom, mom, Mom, MOM!!!" point, I've already answered his question and given my explanation. I'm not going to repeat myself a dozen times because he doesn't like the answer.

OP - What happened to your ds was totally different and unacceptable. There's no need to be rude to him, a simple answer and explanation would suffice. I hope he's had some experience with nice strangers because I'd hate to think those two women are setting the bar.







:

I can tell the difference and this kid was not begging or being a pest. He was a little upset, speaking nicely but urgently, and the mom was walking away from him really fast. It was weird. Obviously if a kid is whining and begging I'm not going to interfere but I do believe that parents tune their kids out way too much.

Being ignored is like being told you're not important enough for someone to bother to say two words to. "Sorry, no." is better than nothing.


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oregongirlie* 
This really gets under my skin. The worst part is when a parent ignores his or her own child. The other day I saw a little boy, maybe 4 years old, jogging after mom in the store, "Mom, mom, mom, um, mom?" It's all I can do to keep from saying, "Someone is trying to get your attention!" Maybe I should speak up more. I mean, if it were her friend running after her would she ignore her the same way?

Some people act like kids don't exist.

Except for the age and gender of the child, that might describe me--after my daughter makes a request and I tell her that I will think on it or that it can be done, but she has to wait (or even a flat out no). She will keep going after me and asking/begging/whining for it. Maybe that little boy had already asked and momma was considering or had told him no or wait.


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## roisin84 (Sep 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
It may be a regional difference but adults ignore each other all the time, here. If someone is being obnoxious or inappropriate everyone will just try to avert their eyes and pretend it isn't happening.

That is true, but it doesn't sound to me like ember's child was being obnoxious or inappropriate - sounds like he was being polite and behaving in a perfectly normal way for a child. If some random child asked me for food I would either say no, or ask him to check with his mother if it was ok etc - I wouldn't just ignore him.

I can kind of understand people who aren't used to children/don't know how to react to them just ignoring them, but I find it weird that a mother with a child of similar age to ember's would just ignore him. Very rude imo.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roisin84* 
That is true, but it doesn't sound to me like ember's child was being obnoxious or inappropriate - sounds like he was being polite and behaving in a perfectly *normal way for a child.* If some random *child* asked me for food I would either say no, or ask him to check with his mother if it was ok etc - I wouldn't just ignore him.

Ah, but you see the point Ember's was asserting was that the adult (in the situation with the popcorn) was treating her child worse than that adult would treat another adult.

But, my point, and the point of other pp's was: This is NOT so. This is EXACTLY how many people *would* treat an adult acting as your child was. So Ember's is incorrect in claiming that that her child was being treated in a WORSE way than an adult.

I think what the Ember's really wants is for people to take into consideration what is appropriate for a child and then cut the child a break based on this that they would not an adult.

This is an OK positon to take, and may have merit. But the argument falls flat when you claim the child is being treated (in that situation) WORSE than an adult.

The situation with the park ranger seemed more apt. The issue the the popcorn weakened the claim though.


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## Rainbow Brite (Nov 2, 2004)

I think in the op's situation, the adult was rude. Maybe it's all subjective to where you live. Here, that would come across as very very rude. Where I live, we talk to strangers all the time- kids and adults. I've had kids follow me and dd around the park, going and finding their parents to follow when I went to feed the deer- I'll admit I felt a bit weird at first, but the girl was having fun, and her parents were ok with it, and my dd had fun, so no harm. I always share our bird seed ect (usually I ask the kids if they want to feed the ducks (behind a fence) then think to look to the parents to see if it's ok







). We wave at neighbours driving by in our neighbourhood, and strangers are always saying hello. So I would be hurt if dd spoke politely to someone and was ignored- and I would be hurt if I spoke to someone and was ignored. Sure, it's my hurt to deal with, but I'd still feel it, and that's ok.

I do understand why some people don't always respond to their children. I never understood it before, but sometimes when dd is a bit frustrated, and I've repeated myself what feels like 30 times, I will stop responding in order to take a moment so that I don't get stressed and escalate the tense situation. Not because I want to ignore her- but because if I keep replying, I will find myself getting irratible which is not helpful. And often I will say that- I will say I'm feeling irratible, so I'm not repeating myself anymore.


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## PT&C'sMom (Jun 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel* 
Ok, forgive me if I misunderstand. Did he go up to a stranger, ask for her food and then help himself without permission?

LOL, I was thinking that EXACT thing.


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## PT&C'sMom (Jun 7, 2006)

:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
If your son had come up and randomly asked me for popcorn I probably would have said "no" and "where's your mom?" If he had reached into our bag and taken some because I didn't answer fast enough, I would have been somewhat stunned and probably would have said "that is not yours, WHERE is your MOM?"

But there's a chance that if I'd just been screamed at by another parent recently that I would just not say anything and bustle away from him as quickly as possible. Because everyone thinks their child is a fragile hothouse flower who can't stand the crushing experience of being told "no" and who think "where is your mom?" is a detailed critique of their parenting style.

I guess I am just a big meanie but I have trouble imagining any kid I have ever known well walking up to a stranger and taking their food. I was taught that that is not only rude but possibly dangerous.









:







I totally agree.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

P,T&C'sMom:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...4&postcount=19


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## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

OK, first scene, the woman was rude and not doing her job. You should have spoken up and told her that your son had asked for a light. Barring that, you should have spoken to a manager. You should now plan to send an email or call the place and put in a word with a manager, because that is unaccpetable.

Second scene, I am guessing this is a pretty non confrontational person. She is hanging out with her son and their popcorn and your ds asks for some. You are sitting nearby, and she is freaking out because some strange kid wants to eat some of her popcorn (she may be a bit of a germ phobe or ocd, and be really freaked out by the idea) BUT! she is nonconfrontational, so she doesn't want to frek you out by speaking to the boy and telling him no. Plus, she is a bit on the spot (like you were in both scenes, it happened so fast to you that you didn't realize it and reply either) so she isnt sure how to reply. So, she thinks she will pretend she didnt hear it and the mom of the boywill step in and take care of it, then she wont have to correct someone else's child. When that doesn't happen and your ds starts to reach into her pocket, she feels p*ssed off at you for not doing your job, and she is feeling a bit germaphobic so she has to act quick, and that is her reply. Why didn't you tell your ds no when he first asked her?


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysrus* 
OK, first scene, the woman was rude and not doing her job. You should have spoken up and told her that your son had asked for a light. Barring that, you should have spoken to a manager. You should now plan to send an email or call the place and put in a word with a manager, because that is unaccpetable.

Second scene, I am guessing this is a pretty non confrontational person. She is hanging out with her son and their popcorn and your ds asks for some. You are sitting nearby, and she is freaking out because some strange kid wants to eat some of her popcorn (she may be a bit of a germ phobe or ocd, and be really freaked out by the idea) BUT! she is nonconfrontational, so she doesn't want to frek you out by speaking to the boy and telling him no. Plus, she is a bit on the spot (like you were in both scenes, it happened so fast to you that you didn't realize it and reply either) so she isnt sure how to reply. So, she thinks she will pretend she didnt hear it and the mom of the boywill step in and take care of it, then she wont have to correct someone else's child. When that doesn't happen and your ds starts to reach into her pocket, she feels p*ssed off at you for not doing your job, and she is feeling a bit germaphobic so she has to act quick, and that is her reply. Why didn't you tell your ds no when he first asked her?

ITA!

First scenario showed an adult treating a child differently than they would another adult. But the second scenario? No way does this prove the OP's point!

Many adults would ignore other adults making, what would be considered by an adult, a bizzaro request!


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mich* 
It hurts because you are taking it personally. It's not personal. People get cranky, people have issues, people can be suffering tragic loss and still have to lead nature walks, or go to the Zoo and eat popcorn.

It will break your heart even more when he is 5 and playing at a playground, and is trying to play with a couple kids and they ignore him, or they turn to him and say "go away, we dont want to play with you!"

I remember this day for my first child and it was horrible!!!!!! The only thing I can do is model compassion for the mean kid and rise above it. "Wow honey, that was a mean thing to say. I wonder where he learned that? Do you think someone treated him that way? Poor kid, it's going to be hard for him to make friends."

.

Totally true! My DS is 8 and I have seen him be shunned by other kids since Kindergarten and it really is heartbreaking. I really dislike mean kids. I am sure I shouldn't say that but it is true.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Just a couple of thoughts:

Some people are uncomfortable interacting with children - shy.

Some parents find it rude, creepy, or inappropriate if another adult addresses their child.

Some children incessantly beg, don't take no for an answer, and need to be ignored.


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## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

I think both women were rude. I don't think it was personal, or necessarily because your son is a child, but they were rude.

Call me crazy, but I do think that children should be treated differently than adults. If an adult asked me for popcorn and then put his/her hand in my bag I would freak out. I frankly, would be weirded out by an adult who asked me for popcorn. I have no problem ignoring many adults who are irritating me because I think they have the sense/life experience to understand and deal with the situation.

If a small child did the same thing I would tell them that isn't the proper way to interact and move on. It is a CHILD, a rather small child who wanted popcorn and perhaps didn't understand ownership boundaries. Plus the child was taking popcorn from the mother of a child he was playing with a the time. I think children in general feel less inhibited by mothers, especially a mother he could have put under the heading "friend's mom."

I would and have ignored children who are being obnoxious but your son sounds like he is engaging in age appropriate behaviour and is being polite in 3 1/2 year old terms.

I would start stepping in to situations and stop your child from asking a second time, it may save him from some odd/potentially rude comments to just have you explain that "he can't have popcorn." "the nature lady is not going to give him a flashlight and we don't know why, maybe she only gives them to people who are tall etc."

The nature lady could have just been bothered by having a child she didn't expect on the walk. I have encountered a suprising amount of irritation by adults in "nature" settings when my dd shows up. Unless the activity is marked for kids we often feel unwelcome. I suppose people assume that children do not know how to act properly, i.e. usually quietly and calmly, in such settings and feel the experience is somehow ruined.

ETA: ok this was a kid's event. hmm...well then shouldn't she be expected to talk to kids? maybe she just wanted you to deal with your son, odd and IMO your son deserved a response from her but she apparently wasn't going to respond no matter how nicely he asked.


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## mama2monkeys (Oct 3, 2005)

I get so hurt when people ignore my lil ones. some people just do not think kids are important.

Well looking at his blog my goodness mama `if that little cutie came up to me i would just eat him up..
he is just to adorable!!!


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Thanks!


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## sphinx (Mar 13, 2003)

I think in both cases the child was treated with less respect than an adult would be and with a negative attitude. Unfortunately many adults do ignore other adults but not usually in something as normal as asking for a flashlight on a nature walk.

Embers already said that the 2 boys had been playing together for a while. So it was not as if her son was walking up cold begging a stranger for food. I also think it's normal for a 3.5 year old to be a little impulsive and not quite yet able to control those impulses, but embers son did conduct the whole second situation using as many of the polite social rules he knew.

Really, I do not think it at all inappropriate for ember's son to ask for some popcorn, when the kids had already established contact and it was sitting there invitingly between them. Honestly I find the mother's reaction weird. If she was "nonconfrontational" then she wouldn't have reacted with the dirty hands comment after the fact. Had embers asked for some popcorn, i wouldn't think it weird, either. And I would offer both people, the child and the adult, some popcorn! I'm sort of surprised at the level of distrust and protectiveness I see in these answers. I don't see asking for popcorn as a bizarre request! it's nothing like asking "can i eat your child" or "can i have your car." I think it would have been appropriate for the mother to simply address embers, saying "is it okay with you?" and/or to embers' son, "sure, if it's okay with your mama." Or if she really wanted not to share, simply to say "no, sorry" and move or close the bag to make her point.

Honestly, if I were embers, I wouldn't have thought to step in just because I guess I wouldn't have imagined that the other mother would be so sensitive about it. I just don't really see it as a faux pas - again, given that the children were already interacting. Now I know many people do!


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

oregongirlie said:


> This really gets under my skin. The worst part is when a parent ignores his or her own child. The other day I saw a little boy, maybe 4 years old, jogging after mom in the store, "Mom, mom, mom, um, mom?" It's all I can do to keep from saying, "Someone is trying to get your attention!"
> 
> UOTE]
> 
> ...


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## arlecchina (Jul 25, 2006)

my kid was always (and still is) a friendly and polite talker. to anyone, anywhere. "hi, how are you, what's your name, I'm so and so" and so many adults would completely ignore him or be nasty to him that I completely discouraged him speaking to people he didnt know, because it would hurt his feelings. I never understood it either.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysrus* 
OK, first scene, the woman was rude and not doing her job. You should have spoken up and told her that your son had asked for a light. Barring that, you should have spoken to a manager. You should now plan to send an email or call the place and put in a word with a manager, because that is unaccpetable.

Second scene, I am guessing this is a pretty non confrontational person. She is hanging out with her son and their popcorn and your ds asks for some. You are sitting nearby, and she is freaking out because some strange kid wants to eat some of her popcorn (she may be a bit of a germ phobe or ocd, and be really freaked out by the idea) BUT! she is nonconfrontational, so she doesn't want to frek you out by speaking to the boy and telling him no. Plus, she is a bit on the spot (like you were in both scenes, it happened so fast to you that you didn't realize it and reply either) so she isnt sure how to reply. So, she thinks she will pretend she didnt hear it and the mom of the boywill step in and take care of it, then she wont have to correct someone else's child. When that doesn't happen and your ds starts to reach into her pocket, she feels p*ssed off at you for not doing your job, and she is feeling a bit germaphobic so she has to act quick, and that is her reply. Why didn't you tell your ds no when he first asked her?









That's it EXACTLY!


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sphinx* 
I think in both cases the child was treated with less respect than an adult would be and with a negative attitude. Unfortunately many adults do ignore other adults but not usually in something as normal as asking for a flashlight on a nature walk.

Embers already said that the 2 boys had been playing together for a while. So it was not as if her son was walking up cold begging a stranger for food. I also think it's normal for a 3.5 year old to be a little impulsive and not quite yet able to control those impulses, but embers son did conduct the whole second situation using as many of the polite social rules he knew.

Really, I do not think it at all inappropriate for ember's son to ask for some popcorn, when the kids had already established contact and it was sitting there invitingly between them. Honestly I find the mother's reaction weird. If she was "nonconfrontational" then she wouldn't have reacted with the dirty hands comment after the fact. Had embers asked for some popcorn, i wouldn't think it weird, either. And I would offer both people, the child and the adult, some popcorn! I'm sort of surprised at the level of distrust and protectiveness I see in these answers. I don't see asking for popcorn as a bizarre request! it's nothing like asking "can i eat your child" or "can i have your car." I think it would have been appropriate for the mother to simply address embers, saying "is it okay with you?" and/or to embers' son, "sure, if it's okay with your mama." Or if she really wanted not to share, simply to say "no, sorry" and move or close the bag to make her point.

Honestly, if I were embers, I wouldn't have thought to step in just because I guess I wouldn't have imagined that the other mother would be so sensitive about it. I just don't really see it as a faux pas - again, given that the children were already interacting. Now I know many people do!

I agree with all of this. My 2 year old DD loves to say hi to people who walk by, and when they smile and say hi back, she grins so widely that you can feel her happiness yourself, but when people just look at her for a moment and then look away, the look of confusion on her face breaks my heart.

Honestly, I think we live in a society that has no clue about children. People have no idea what normal childhood behaviors are. They expect them to act like miniature adults, complete with an understanding of social constructs. We have moved so far away from the extended family/close-knit community/communal life that is natural for humans that we have became a child-unfriendly and family-unfriendly society. Families are expected to stick to McDonald's and the kiddie park and to not "intrude" in areas that aren't explicitly assigned to children. And it's sad.


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

When my daughter addresses an adult and they ignore her, and inappropriately in my opinion, even when I have suggested getting louder cause maybe they don't hear well, or touching their arm if close enough, I tend to immediately address the adult myself, and say very, very nicely, "My daughter is trying to get your attention." That's never not worked for getting a polite response. For a three+ year old, that seems reasonable. Mine's seven, and I sometimes still have to educate people to the fact that my child is speaking to them.


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## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennisee* 
Honestly, I think we live in a society that has no clue about children. People have no idea what normal childhood behaviors are. They expect them to act like miniature adults, complete with an understanding of social constructs.

With all due respect, I disagree. The child in the OP's example actually _was_ acting like a miniature adult complete with an understanding of at least some important social constructs such as asking permission before taking a desired object and interpreting silence as consent, or at least as a non-"no."

I think it's more that as a society, we tend to be extremely selfish and self-absorbed and tend to regard others as irrelevant unless they impose themselves on our consciousness or represent a threat. Children tend to do neither if they are well-behaved; therefore, I think they get ignored unless they're acting like hellions.

They're certainly not regarded by many adults as "people" in the sense of "a thinking, conscious being who is aware of others' motivations and their own and has a continuity of memory and consciousness." Some children are treated quasi-abusively or neglectfully (or simply rudely) by some adults who then tell themselves, "Oh, they'll get over it," or "They won't understand; it's no big deal," or think "They'll never remember it" -- conclusions I dare say we would never come to if we were speaking of an adult or someone regarded as a "person."

JMHO.


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

Meg Murry, I agree with almost everything you wrote. However, while I also agree that the OP's son was displaying understanding of _some_ social constructs, the woman's responses indicated that she thought the boy should "know better" than to put his unwashed hands in the popcorn and that he should "know better" than to put the popcorn back in the bag. IMO, the woman had unrealistic expectations of what a three year old should know and understand about cleanliness and food.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Both of the aboves posts were really well said. Thanks for the input - I appriciate it!


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennisee* 
Meg Murry, I agree with almost everything you wrote. However, while I also agree that the OP's son was displaying understanding of _some_ social constructs, the woman's responses indicated that she thought the boy should "know better" than to put his unwashed hands in the popcorn and that he should "know better" than to put the popcorn back in the bag. IMO, the woman had unrealistic expectations of what a three year old should know and understand about cleanliness and food.

AH!!!! THen the objection should not be "the woman failed to treat him as she would an adult"

But rather "the woman failed to treat him as she SHOULD a child"

Which was MY point! The OP wanted her child treated NOT the same as an adult but DIFFERENTLY than an adult would be (based on a child's abilities)

A fine argument, but not the one the OP tried to make. The OP's point was simply misplaced with the popcorn lady scenario!


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## Siddhartha (Jun 20, 2021)

embers said:


> Grrrr....
> 
> What is up with adults ignoring children? I mean actual intentional ignoring.... I am certain that such people would never ignore another adult, and would not stand for being ignored.
> 
> ...


How nice it is to see a parent who actually cares, nay, is truly emotionally impacted and scandalised by and decries their child being ignored.


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