# MIL giving a bath and playing dress-up



## kryztuh (Jun 2, 2008)

I'm hoping some other mamas can give me some perspective. I was really angry about this last night but have calmed down now and need to figure out what to say this evening.

Background: my dad normally watches DS (6 months) a few days a week while I'm working and DH has rotating shift work schedule. My MIL has off work this week for Easter and requested that she be able to watch DS. She has watched him once or twice before for a few hours.

I dropped DS off yesterday morning. She was kind enough to snap a photo and email to me while I'm at work. DH picked up DS and I got home a few hours after that. When I get home, DS is wearing different clothes. I asked DH why he is wearing different clothes, did he have a leaky diaper, etc.

DH responds that he didn't know why DS had different clothes on, but that he played in the water today. I was really confused, and he explained that MIL had DS in the tub today because she wanted to see how he played in the water. DH didn't care and didn't see the big deal.

I am really peeved. It just seems like she crossed a boundary. She didn't ask permission first. I don't know if she used any soaps or other bath products or lotions, and that peeves me. I don't know what safety precautions were taken. I'm sure she took tons of pictures and that seems like a violation of DS's privacy. And she treated him like a baby doll and played dress up with him. That really irks me. All while I'm stuck at the office.

So am I way out of line here? Making mountain out of a mole-hill? She is a self-proclaimed selfish granny, and I'm constantly having to bat down outstretched "give me the baby" arms every time we visit. I'm just getting tired of dealing with it. DH doesn't get it.

DH will be dropping DS off with MIL in a few hours and I'm picking DS up tonight. I made it clear to DH that if he doesn't say something to MIL, I will. The question is, what do I say? I don't want to open the floor for debate.

Thanks in advance, my stomach is churning over this. I'm really close to leaving work early to just avoid dropping DS off over there altogether (but that's not really practical and avoiding the situation probably isn't the best course of action?)


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I'd take a step back and imagine yourself in her shoes. Its her grandson.

Having said that, I would probably ask that she didn't give him any baths, but I never trusted my kids being bathed by anybody but me or dh. Just one of my little things.


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## nikkiethridge (May 6, 2008)

How old is your DS? Is this something that you made clear to her before dropping him off? If not, then I wouldn't get so worked up over it...Just let her know that from now on that you are not comfortable with her giving your DS a bath. I understand the safety issue, but she may have been doing everything right, you know?


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I'm really sorry that you're stressed about this... I guess I don't really have advice because I personally don't think I would be upset by it--I would probably just mention that my child only uses certain soaps, or no soaps at all. I mean, if my child was with grandma and threw up or got milk/food/something else in her hair, I'd hope that my child's grandma would give a bath. And I personally don't see changing an outfit as "playing dressup"--our children always get a fresh clean outfit after a bath.

The only thing I would have asked (besides not using soaps) is that your MIL destroys the pictures that were taken because you don't want nude pictures of your children in the wrong hands. But other than that I know that *I personally* would not stress out about this because I trust that any sitter I chose for my infant would know basic safety precautions in the water, and other than that, it would not be a really big deal to me. No different than if it were summer and she put him in some water to cool him off...








: I hope you don't take offense to what I wrote...I don't mean for it to be offensive. I just wanted to give a little perspective so you didn't stay so stressed out about it.







:


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## bmcneal (Nov 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
I'd take a step back and imagine yourself in her shoes. Its her grandson.









:

Honestly, I wouldn't be so upset, but that's just me personally. Everyone is different. If it upsets you, than you should talk to her. I don't think I'd be that angry, though, if you haven't told her either way on things like that. Like Alyantavid said, it *is* her grandson. Now, on the other hand, if you've told her you want things done a certain way "I don't want DS to play in water." "DS can't have sugar." What have you, and she did, I would be upset. But if she wasn't aware it was something you were uncomfortable with, it's not really fair to be that upset, IMHO.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

I honestly think you're over reacting a bit.









She gave your ds a bath and changed his clothes. She didn't hurt him. If you'd prefer she not bathe him just politely request that she not. Tell her you really enjoy giving him his bath and don't want to dry his baby skin with too much bathing.

Unless there are underlying issues with MIL stepping in and trying to take over your roll as mom, I doubt she had any malicious intent. She was most likely just trying to do something fun with her grandson.

Honestly if it were me, I'd tell her not to use any soap and take her some of dd's moisturizer. My dd loves the water and I think MIL would get a kick out of playing with her.


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## amandaleigh37 (Jul 13, 2006)

I totally get why you didn't like this.

And maybe that's just because my MIL is the type that tries to "play mommy" and overstep boundaries all the time. I'm also VERY particular about privacy. Since DS was a baby, I preferred only DH and I to change his diapers, bathe him, etc. It really creeped me out when MIL would ask if she could take him to use the potty when she is over here...

Of course her intent is almost certainly innocent, and I do not suspect she is a child molester, but for me personally - it makes me uncomfortable. And in my opinion, I'm the mom and if I get a bad vibe about something - that's a good enough reason for me. Even if I can't articulate exactly why.

So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think your partner should be the one to say something, since it's his mom & that usually goes off better. Good luck.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I wouldn't be upset over this. I think you may hurt some feelings if you don't take a step back and think before you say something. I can empathize with how you feel though...my MIL TOOK a bath with DD when she was about 7 or 8 months. I was very upset but I knew that she loved DD soooooo much....I didn't want to stir something up because in all reality there was no harm done at all.


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## christamom (Jan 17, 2008)

I completely understand where you are coming from, as my mother-in-law is the same way. When my daughter was that age, or even younger, she wanted to drive her all over town and show my DD off to her friends, while I was at work. I didn't feel comfortable having her go places that I wasn't familiar with and I wasn't comfortable with not having the car seat safety checked etc. I told her this and then she went and got her own car seat (a used one) and said she had it checked. She did it anyway, even though I told her I was not comfortable with the situation. Also, when I picked up my daughter, she was wearing clothes I had not seen before and a disposable diaper instead of her cloth ones. I felt like she was being manipulative and controlling by doing these things without talking to me. I don't hardly let her watch DD now. Anyway, I can completely understand how it would make you feel. Like she doesn't have any regard for your feelings or the way you normally do things. Definately tell her that you would like her to communicate it with you ahead of time if she plans on doing something like that again, or maybe give her a schedule. Just so she has something to stick to (even if you don't normally do one), or don't have her watch him again.


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

I don't get it either.








She likes to hold the baby. She likes spending time interacting with him while giving him a bath. Likes to take pictures? These seem like reasonable interactions between a grandson and grandmother. They sound wonderfully normal.

Honestly, it sounds a bit like you are a bit jealous of the time they are spending together. When I was WOH I felt this way too (but not to this extent). I think you need to sort out safety issues from your feelings about not being with the baby during the day. Then have a conversation with MIL about your expectations of care.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

I don't see what the big deal is either. You should be greatful that she's taking such a loving interest in your son. Some grandparents are very much hand's off.

If you really feel the need to address anything, you could ask to make sure she knows to never, EVER turn her back on the baby in the tub. I'm sure she does, but it will releave some of your worries that you at least addressed it. I can understand why you are uncomfortable with her bathing him though. If its really important to you, just tell her. I'd rather if you didn't bath the baby. I like to do that at night (or whenever).

Playing 'dress up' with a baby isn't going to hurt him in any way. So what if he was wearing different clothes, really.

I know how it is to feel jealous and possessive of other people in your child's life. With my first, especially, I hated any time that I had to spend away from him. Even putting him in the church nursery was a nightmare for me because I just would've rather held him and spent that time with him. Its normal, but that doesn't mean you should give in to it. You need to work through it though.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

I do not see it as a huge boundary issue. I know my mother LOVES to give the kids baths and they get a change of clothes afterwords. She has much pickier standards of cleanliness though. I'm OK with some drool on a shirt or a cheerio smudge on pants. Mom will change clothes and often say "let's take a quick bath". She also LOVES to change diapers. I think for her it's just a fun time to have some one on one interaction. Plus baby skin feels so good. FWIW bath time is often play time in our house, play time that has the fringe benefit of getting everyone clean.

If you do have a problem with MIL doing so much then tell her. I completely understand why someone would be uncomfortable with anyone besides themselves and the other parent bathing their child. I do not think it is unreasonable to set this limit at all. You might want to giver her an OK alternative if your baby should have a blow out or have a pretty good sized spit up. Maybe keep a few washcloths in the diaper bag for any sponge bath situations.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I remember that overwhelming protective, almost territorial feeling I had about DS when he was tiny, so I can understand where you're coming from, but now I wouldn't see this as something to be upset over. Somehow I made peace with that feeling by the time DS was 2 or so, and I haven't felt the same way at all with my DD.

In fact, just this past weekend DH and I went out and left the kids home with my MIL, and when we got home she had just bathed DS and was starting to bathe DD, and my only thought was, "Cool, I don't have to do baths tonight!"









One question: Does your dad bathe your DS, and if so, do you have these same feelings when he does it, or is this just a MIL issue?


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Well I don't let anyone other then DH or me give baths because I am totally paranoid. But, it is an expectation I would set up front-not react to after the fact.

That said, grandmas LOVE giving baths-it is fun and most little ones love it as well so I understand her wanting to do so.

Perhaps in the future it is something you could do together, or do what we do and send DH as well.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

not to be dismissive of your feelings at all, but I PROMISE when your DS turns about 2...you will say "OMG thank goodness I don't have to worry about a bath tonight!!" These mama bear "I will kill anyone who even thinks about endangering my child" will settle....it'll make things like this easier I promise.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Honestly, that wouldn't bother me in the least.


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## kryztuh (Jun 2, 2008)

Wow, you mamas are quick! Thanks for all of the replys!

I think some of it is my own issues with not being with DS during the day (no choice). The other part is that if she had asked if it was OK first (she had instant access to me via email and phone), I could have addressed the soap/lotion/safety/photo issues and felt like she was respecting me as the mama. Again, I guess this is my issue. I feel like I am the subject of subtle dismissals from her very often, but need to figure out if those are my issues coming to the surface or if she is being manipulative.

It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol. I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.

As far as the clothing goes, the last time she watched him for a few hours, she put on pjs and 'got him ready for bed'. It was not yet his bedtime and I told my DH to convey that getting ready for bed is my special time with DS after being away all day and it's not OK for her to do this, and that he should come home in the clothes he was wearing unless they are soiled. He said he would tell MIL. I guess I need to find out if he conveyed this.

Overall, you're right, this isn't the end of the world and she's only watching him for a few days. And it's not worth getting stressed out over. Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I think you are being a little to controlling.

I can see setting boundries about naked photoes. I wouldn't give up on that one. But other photoes are not really a big deal unless she was taking them while he cried. You aren't sure if she did or not.

I would let her know what type of soap/lotion to use. Actually you should have that stuff avialable for anyone that takes care of your child he could have a leaky diaper or something.

As for safety procautions......that is you being to worried and controlling.

******
The hand me the baby stuff I get is annoying and disrespectful but that is a seperate issue. I do wonder though if you are being overly judgemental because she doesn't do things your way.

I would ask your dh to make sure she didn't take naked photoes and delete any that she did take. Remember her generation grew up with this being ok and done with out second thought. Times have changed.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i dont know...maybe im looking at it differently b/c i have an 18 year old and the idea of grand kids in my life is probably going to be sooner rather than later (no idea)...but i would love to bathe my grandson/daughter. and dress them up and everything. i like doing that with my 6 month old.

are you upset b/c she gave him a bath or are you upset b/c she was with him and you couldnt be.









i agree about the bath soaps, etc. etc. I would simply ask her to use nothing (thats what we do for babies).


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

It wouldn't bother me but that is b/c of my relationship w/ my MIL.

So you have to decide how you feel about your MIL and take it from there. This is your child and you have a right to lay down those boundaries.

I recognize what you are feeling though. My brother took a bajillion pictures on St. Patricks day at the zoo. Totally normal photos, really cute. But then he posted them all over his facebook. It really bothered the heck out of me. The only time I make my photos public is to post a few times on this board. The rest of the time they are private or specific friends only. It felt very strange to see photos of my baby for other people to look at....out of my control KWIM? On top of that he is a teen so he wouldn't even think to take precautionary steps and TBH I still haven't dealt w/ it b/c I don't want to tell him why those photos would be a problem.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I am another who isn't quite sure what the big deal is. Is it because she's you MIL? So she was enjoying giving your son a bath, she probably has the common sense enough to know not to leave a 6 month old in the bath. I mean your DH is here.

FWIW-my DD is 2.5, but when she goes to my dad and stepmom's it's protocol she gets a bath, eats pancakes, and watches Frosty the Snowman. Oh and many times she has come home wearing a new outfit, whatever. They have played "dress-up" many times with her, I just don't care....They are watching her and having fun with her, isn't that what grandparents are for?

It's ok, I think you are over-reacting a bit, but that's just me. For me I am fine with selfish grandma wanting to hold the baby all the time, for me it's my only break, but I am a SAHM, so it may be a bit different.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
As far as the clothing goes, the last time she watched him for a few hours, she put on pjs and 'got him ready for bed'. It was not yet his bedtime and I told my DH to convey that getting ready for bed is my special time with DS after being away all day and it's not OK for her to do this, and that he should come home in the clothes he was wearing unless they are soiled. He said he would tell MIL. I guess I need to find out if he conveyed this.

Even if she doe change his clothes/put him in PJ's there is nothing stopping you from having your special getting ready for bed time.

Honestly, I wouldn't make a big issue over this - it could only end with hurt feelings and sometimes keeping the peace is just easier!


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

A big







: to most of the posts above. You're overreacting.

She's a "self-proclaimed selfish grandma" who wants to hold the baby when she sees him? She gave him a bath so he could play in the water? She wanted to spend some of her week off with her grandson? Every grandchild should be so lucky. Children who are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them are blessed.

Unless there's an awful lot you haven't said, it doesn't sound like she's out of line. You said yourself that she's only watched him a couple of times while your dad watches him regularly. It sounds to me that for some reason you're jealous of any time she does get to spend with your ds. Why not try to see it as the gift it is to have a grandparent who loves him and wants to see him? The quickest way to destroy that wonderful relationship is to be the DIL who is constantly picking and criticizing everything your MIL does. Of course sometimes you have to say something, but for your ds's sake, I'd really suggest saving those for the things that are really safety issues - don't leave ds unattended in the bath, put him to sleep on his back, no solids before you give the ok, and so on.


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

Well, I can see why giving a 6-mo-old a bath could be worrisome. My MIL watched my son at that age, and I'm fairly certain we told her that she could skip the bath then. OTOH, at 13 months when we were going out and she was settling him to bed, we told her that a bath was part of his nighttime routine, and please do.

Some questions to consider, I do not need answers:
1) How much do you trust your MIL?
2) Is this discomfort due to anything she's done, or might it have to do with your own experiences with other people?
3) Were the clothes anything unusual / new, or just another outfit that you had at home? My MIL shows us the clothes she's bought for DS when she gives them to us. I think if dressing him up was the way of showing he had new clothes, I'd be a little offput.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
Even if she doe change his clothes/put him in PJ's there is nothing stopping you from having your special getting ready for bed time.

Honestly, I wouldn't make a big issue over this - it could only end with hurt feelings and sometimes keeping the peace is just easier!

I agree-honestly this sounds more like a jealousy issue with MIL. Personally I like to not rock the boat with many things that would jeopardize my options for baby-sitting.

I'm taking my DD to MIL's for her first time baby-sitting in a couple days. I do have a legitimate concern, but it is about soda, they all drink it, my niece gives it to her DD that is 2. I don't agree with that and will make it clear that it's not ok with me. I've already told all of them before, but will have to again.

I would just be careful to not hurt feelings and burn any bridges.


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

I totally don't get it. I personally wouldn't be bothered by this at all. I absolutely don't understand what the problem is here. Grandma's LOVE giving baths, at least all the grandma's we have around here. They love their grandchildren and Im sure they take all the proper precautions to make sure they won't get hurt. He obviously wasn't hurt. If it's a matter of soaps and lotions, just let her know what you don't want put on him. And putting clean clothes on a baby is hardly dress-up imo. My mom loved to change the girls outfits and put bows in their hair when she watched them. She still loves to do that. She loves to put them in the bath, get them all dressed up and pretty. I think its sweet. And honestly some of my favorite photographs of me as a baby are those in the bathtub. I've taken pictures of my kids in the bath, not close ups of their particular body parts, just cute pictures of them splashing in the tub. And you don't even know for sure if she took photos, you are only assuming.

Sorry if I'm sounding snarky. It just sort of seems like you are overreacting to me, but we are all different and we all have different boundaries.


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## christamom (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Wow, you mamas are quick! Thanks for all of the replys!

I think some of it is my own issues with not being with DS during the day (no choice). The other part is that if she had asked if it was OK first (she had instant access to me via email and phone), I could have addressed the soap/lotion/safety/photo issues and felt like she was respecting me as the mama. Again, I guess this is my issue. I feel like I am the subject of subtle dismissals from her very often, but need to figure out if those are my issues coming to the surface or if she is being manipulative.

It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol. I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.

As far as the clothing goes, the last time she watched him for a few hours, she put on pjs and 'got him ready for bed'. It was not yet his bedtime and I told my DH to convey that getting ready for bed is my special time with DS after being away all day and it's not OK for her to do this, and that he should come home in the clothes he was wearing unless they are soiled. He said he would tell MIL. I guess I need to find out if he conveyed this.

Overall, you're right, this isn't the end of the world and she's only watching him for a few days. And it's not worth getting stressed out over. Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.

Just wanted to let you know that i totally can see where you are coming from and can sympathize. As you said, a lot of it probably does stem back from your issues with your MIL, especially if you feel she isn't someone you can TRUST. If she isn't someone you feel like you can fully trust, and you've felt manipulated in the past, then it isn't really about jammies, or baths, or pictures, or whatever. Then it's about THAT person being with your child doesn't sit well with you. It can make it even harder when that person is a grandparent and expects to have that one on one time with your child.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm sorry it upsets you. I honestly don't see it as a boundary issue, though. I don't think I know anybody who would hesitate to give a baby/young child in their care a bath. IMO, it's not something that most people would think needed explicit permission, or a discussion of protocols.

I, personally, don't like bathing kids that much. Most people seem to find it fun, but I usually find it stressful. However, I've noticed that many, many people find bathtime to be a lot of fun, so I wouldn't be at all surprised if a childcare provider gave my child a bath.

I hope you can find a reasonable resolution to this. Oh - and I would ask about whether she took photos, and make sure they're deleted, if she did. That's not something that worries me overmuch, but I definitely understand why people do worry about it.


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## groovynaturemama (Mar 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
not to be dismissive of your feelings at all, but I PROMISE when your DS turns about 2...you will say "OMG thank goodness I don't have to worry about a bath tonight!!" These mama bear "I will kill anyone who even thinks about endangering my child" will settle....it'll make things like this easier I promise.









:

i was very "mama bear/lion" up until a few months ago. dd will be 2 on the 24th. i understand the feeling of overwhelm/irked-ness about the situation though. if anyone other than dh or i batherd her before now, i'd have probably freaked. i hardly let anyone touch her for the first six months. i think it may be a 1st time mom thing, although i haven't given birth 2 the second baby yet, so i can't say for sure







i think your feelings are normal, and i think grandma's desires to bathe and "dress up" are also normal. i think stating what you are ok with grandma doing and not doing is in order. it is your son, and your comfort level. it doesn't matter her capabilities; if you are uncomfortable about what she does with your son while she's caring for him, you have a right to line out the boundaries.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Well, I guess I'll be the one to go against the grain here and say, given your second post in this thread, that maybe you aren't overreacting. On the surface it seems like you could be, but you mention that you feel she undermines you in other, more subtle ways. And if that's the case, and your gut is telling you that this is not a precedent you're comfortable setting with her, then you need to have your DH say something.

And I mean your DH should say something, not you. People generally take friendly advice and requests a lot more seriously when they're coming from their own blood children. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it's reality IMHO.

If your MIL's behavior made you uncomfortable because it is part of a larger, ongoing pattern, then you should address it. But please, please be sure that you're not just overreacting for whatever reason. I see nothing wrong with her giving your DS a bath and changing his clothes, but only you can know whether she shouldn't have done it or not.

Most people would see nothing wrong with my son's grandmother (my bio mother) taking a picture of my baby when he was three weeks old; however, I have enough experience with her to know that when she used the flash repeatedly, only a few inches from his eyes, even after he started crying, and even after I politely asked her to turn the flash off, she did it on purpose to get a reaction out of me. Toxic people often act out in very subtle, deniable ways.*

Listen to your gut but be sure before you say something. And if you do need to say something, think about having DH be the one to say it.









*I'm not saying your MIL is toxic! Just pointing out that it's not always so clear-cut as "She just gave him a bath--what's the big deal?"


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

One other thought. OP, you said your MIL sent you a picture of your DS while you were at work. To me, this sounds like she was really trying to reach out to you, and be considerate of you by sending you a photo of him during your work day. It's human nature to see what we expect to see in someone else. For example, when I'm mad at DH, I tend to only see his faults, and I totally miss the good things that I normally see, even though they're still there. Do you think perhaps you're doing some of this with your MIL? From everything you've said, it doesn't sound like she's really crossing major boundaries, and it sounds like she's trying to be a good grandmother.

Good luck with getting it worked out so you're comfortable.


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## StarMom2 (Apr 29, 2008)

Add another to the list of those who are wondering what the real issue is here. My MIL watched my children when they were babies while I worked part-time. I loved that she bathed them, took pictures, bought them cute clothes, and pampered them. I knew they were well taken care of, and I was grateful every day that she was the one caring for them. They got a lot more love and attention than they would have anywhere else. I would examine what your underlying issues are with your MIL and why you are not comfortable with her caring about your DS. It sounds like she is being a normal grandma to me. IMHO, the grandparent relationship is the second most important relationship other than the parent/child relationship. These times with grandparents won't always be there because unfortunately they don't live forever. I would take advantage of this now and see her as a blessing to you and your DS rather than an interference.


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

I just saw your post regarding the bedtime/PJ's routine. I really think that the issue you are having is due to jealousy and guilt of not being there with him. Which is totally understandable, because I have to woh, too, so I know how you feel about cherishing your time together. But she isnt' trying to take these moments away from you. She just wants special moments with her grandson, too. My dad told me that he's never known love the way he now knows it being a grandpa. He says it is so different than the love he feels for my mother and myself and my siblings. He said he couldn't quite explain it, but there was just something extra special about being grandpa...

Give your MIL a break. And give yourself a break, mama. Try and remember that she loves your son so much. Give her a chance to be grandma and do grandma things, like give baths, and dress them up and get them ready for bed and read stories and make special grandma treats.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Honestly, if my MIL gave my baby a bath I would look at as she saved me having to bathe him. My MIL did a good job raising my DH and keeping him safe so I trust her with my children.

Why not pack your preferred baby wash for her to use? And no other outfits other then what you put on him?

I would approach it like MIL was doing me a big favor and not like she was replacing her. That attitude might take the wind out of her sails too.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Overall, you're right, this isn't the end of the world and she's only watching him for a few days. And it's not worth getting stressed out over. Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.

It's not the bath, it's the underlying crap that is sitting just below the surface! With my dh's family I always felt like they thought ds was a toy, or a puppy. Something to come play with and amuse them. "Feed him this lemon slice!" or just other little things that didn't sit right with me. One day dh looked at something his mom was doing and said "Mom, he's not a puppy!" and I instantly felt validated, even though I never said a word to him about it.

The playing dress up thing would probably bother me, plus if my Mil felt that my kid needed a bath I would probably feel judged, like I don't keep my kid clean??? I can see where you could be bothered. You may or may not have a valid reason, but you're entitled to your feelings.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Ok, first, I think what she did was within the realm of norm and there is no place for complaining about it. It is not like she took your breastfed baby and threw out the breastmilk and purchased her own formula. She gave him a bath and changed his clothes. That is it.

However, that being said, I never allow anyone to bathe my children and always tell them straight up, because I am afraid of drownings. I feel like I cannot guarantee that anyone would be as diligent as me. I never take my eyes off a child or move away from arms reach in the first couple YEARS of life. But, I really rarely leave my young children with sitters, relatives, or otherwise, and if I do, I specifically say no baths from moment one. I do not even allow my non-swimming young children to visit people with pools without me present.

I would not get on your MILs case. I would wonder if you would be mad if it were your own mother to give a bath to the baby or someone you are close to. I wonder, just reaching here, but if you are more upset over your personal relationship. She changed his diapers all day so not like she did not see his privates anyway. I really think a bath is no big deal and that there are other issues at play here.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 

As far as the clothing goes, the last time she watched him for a few hours, she put on pjs and 'got him ready for bed'. It was not yet his bedtime and I told my DH to convey that getting ready for bed is my special time with DS after being away all day and it's not OK for her to do this, and that he should come home in the clothes he was wearing unless they are soiled.

That doesn't mean you can't do your normal routine once you get him back. He'll probably need it actually.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

is this your mil's first grandchild?

is this your mil's not first grandchild but one close by that she can interact with?

i really see no problem with her giving him a bath and using any bath products on him either. its just one day. or even getting him dressed in pjs.

also asking your dh to kinda go inbetween is not a good idea either. he is getting caught between what's up btw your mil and you. and does she really need to be told about the clothes thing you wanted to convey to her.

i would go with your dh's gut on this since this is bringing up things for you. if he thinks its not a big deal it may not be one.

you probably have issues with your mil. and it seems to me you feel judged. just coz ur family is different doesnt mean your inlaws will follow the same rule too.

i can relate to how hard it is to leave your baby behind and go to work. but you must also remember you are the mother of my mil's grandson. i did not have a good relationship with my stepmil but i never came in between my dd and her because they cared about each other so much. some of the things she did i felt she did to spite me - but i knew that was my issue. she didnt really mean to spite me. i was just too sensitive about it.

this is a long journey and ds is still just a baby. it would really help to figure out what you want to do about gma and gson. otherwise it will ultimately take its toll on your marriage.

sometimes imho poison turns into healthy food when offered with love. my next door neigbhbour my dd's real gma could not understand why i would object to her giving my 18 month old an ounce fo watered pepsi. she woudl sneak it behind my back. and i let it go. just coz the relationship btw her and my dd was so much more than an ounce of watered down pepsi.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol. I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.

Wow, they would have to call you about "bath protocol"?! What would happen if they couldn't get hold of you? Your DS would have to sit around filthy till they got the OK to bathe him?

I think you have control issues.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Without reading the responses...

I do think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Sorry.







And I know about MIL's being annoying!

Unless you've told her not to put him in the water/use soap/lotion on him, I don't think she even thought twice about having him in the tub. Babies generally like water, and I'm sure he had a great time. As for the nakey pictures...we have a million of them, and continue to take them of our oldest, who is 4. No, we aren't some perverts or anything, she just likes being nakey and loves the bath tub, so we've snapped tons of pics when she's in there playing!

If you are worried about the safety of MIL bathing your baby, I understand. My own MIL wasn't 'allowed' to bathe my dd until she was old enough to pretty much sit in there without help, about 2 years old. HOWEVER, my MIL is not very mindful, and she also has a hard time with her joints and things, making it dangerous for her to support a slippery wet baby/young toddler. I think you should just tell your MIL if you don't want her to bathe the babe. Or to only use water, ect.

As for the clothing thing, I doubt she was forcing him or making him miserable...I can't say that for sure, but I can't imagine anyone purposefully making a baby miserable just for clothing?

The thing about having other people watch your baby is that they WILL do things differently. I feel like so long as they don't undermine you or go totally against your beliefs (CIO< spanking, ect) then, it's ok. It's why I don't leave my kids with anyone but dh and my own mom.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
If you really feel the need to address anything, you could ask to make sure she knows to never, EVER turn her back on the baby in the tub.

Playing 'dress up' with a baby isn't going to hurt him in any way. So what if he was wearing different clothes, really.

This is my opinion too. I'd make sure she doesn't take her eyes off of him in the tub, not even for a minute. And I understand no pix that are showing anything a diaper would cover. But there are tons of cute bath pix of me and my siblings, and of my kids - as long as they are tastefully discreet (my mom used to put a washcloth or toy boat over our laps) I can't see the issue.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Again, I guess this is my issue. I feel like I am the subject of subtle dismissals from her very often, but need to figure out if those are my issues coming to the surface or if she is being manipulative.

It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol.

I really do think it is your emotions about wishing you could be with him more during these months than it is anything to do with gramma. If the bath complaint is a good example, I'd say she isn't subtly dismissing you; she is being a loving gramma. I wouldn't call giving a grandbaby a bath any kind of manipulation - how could it be? This isn't even a gray area IMO.

Your parents would call you at work before giving their grandson a bath after a blowout? That seems way out there to me. Why would they need to be taught "bath protocol"?? I really can't understand that level of control and distrust; it isn't healthy for you or ds or your extended family. You are choosing to tarnish the time you DO have with ds being angry over things that aren't wrong. MIL didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't manipulative. It wasn't subtly dismissive. It was a gramma giving her grandbaby a bath and putting him in clean clothes. No harm, no foul.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
She's a "self-proclaimed selfish grandma" who wants to hold the baby when she sees him? She gave him a bath so he could play in the water? She wanted to spend some of her week off with her grandson? Every grandchild should be so lucky. Children who are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them are blessed.

*Why not try to see it as the gift it is to have a grandparent who loves him and wants to see him? The quickest way to destroy that wonderful relationship is to be the DIL who is constantly picking and criticizing everything your MIL does.* Of course sometimes you have to say something, but for your ds's sake, I'd really suggest saving those for the things that are really safety issues - don't leave ds unattended in the bath, put him to sleep on his back, no solids before you give the ok, and so on.

(bolding mine) This. My kids have one of their four biological grandparents alive. The other three died before any of my three were born. The one who is still here has dementia to the point that she doesn't always know them. I would cut off my hand to have the wrong baby soap be a grandparent problem. Your son is SO LUCKY. Please focus on that. His grandparents are nearby, love him, and are involved - they WANT to be involved. Pack the right soap, be clear on no naked photos if that is your comfort level, and don't pack jammies if that is part of your special time with him in the evenings. But non-organic soap or a cookie before dinner (when he is older - not saying now) won't hurt him.

I do remember when my dd1 was young, and getting all up in arms because my MIL used a nickname I didn't prefer. I threatened not to let her see us if she continued using it. It wasn't a mean nickname; it was some of the letters in her name made into a totally different but actual girl's name. I am really embarrassed now at how unglued I came; it just wasn't that important. And now that this gramma can't remember much more than her own name these days, I am really sad that I ever made her feel bad for any loving interest in her grandchild.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I'm sorry it upsets you. I honestly don't see it as a boundary issue, though. I don't think I know anybody who would hesitate to give a baby/young child in their care a bath. IMO, it's not something that most people would think needed explicit permission, or a discussion of protocols.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
A big







: to most of the posts above. You're overreacting.

She's a "self-proclaimed selfish grandma" who wants to hold the baby when she sees him? She gave him a bath so he could play in the water? She wanted to spend some of her week off with her grandson? Every grandchild should be so lucky. Children who are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them are blessed.

I agree with a lot of the OPs that maybe you should try to rethink your perspective on this issue a little bit. It really does sound like your MIL was simply trying to have a fun afternoon with her grandchild on her day off, and that is a positive, not a negative. You haven't described anything dangerous or reckless in her conduct that would be concerning, only loving behavior towards your baby by his grandparent.

Grandparents can have a wonderful and important role in a child's life, and that's a good thing! A close relationship between a grandchild and his grandparent in no way undermines his parental relationships, as long as it's a healthy relationship only good things can come from a child becoming well bonded with grandparents. I know that personally it's been wonderful watching the joy and happiness my children have in their relationship with my parents, and I know my parents also feel equally joyful and happy wrt the time they spend with my kids, so in my mind it's a winning situation for all of us.

On the other hand, my FIL and his wife are extremely absent grandparents, despite the fact that they live maybe 10 miles away from us and that FIL works with my husband. My kids adore him, and he seems to like them the half dozen or so times a year that he sees them, but it breaks my heart that he seems completely uninterested in pursuing the relationship my boys would love to have with him. In my mind, he squandering what could be the opportunity to experience unconditional love at its best, and that just seems terribly sad to me.

So I would really encourage you to take a step back and really think about why you had such a negative reaction to the situation you described in your OP. Are you genuinely concerned that she did something harmful to your child, or are you somehow apprehensive about that special time taking away from what you have with him? Unless your MIL is toxic or dangerous, I would strongly encourage you to let their relationship develop with minimal intervention by you. Feel free to make some basic ground rules if you really feel they are important but otherwise just let it be.


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## Mymble (Jan 11, 2009)

As someone who has serious MIL issues (as in my DD would never be left alone with my MIL no matter how badly I needed a break, for very real reasons), I still actually think you may be overreacting to the actual event you are describing, and I wouldn't get worked up about it.

I think that as many posters have said you may be reacting to your own feelings about leaving your LO during the day, in which case that's not really your MIL's problem;

or there are things you aren't saying/dealing with and you're reacting to a much more serious problem with your MIL and this event simply set you off.

If your MIL isn't actually a danger or actively trying to interfere with your parenting in what you think is a harmful way, then I would let this one go. But if there is a more serious problem with her, address it now before something happens that really is a big deal.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
A big







: to most of the posts above. You're overreacting.

She's a "self-proclaimed selfish grandma" who wants to hold the baby when she sees him? She gave him a bath so he could play in the water? She wanted to spend some of her week off with her grandson? *Every grandchild should be so lucky. Children who are lucky enough to have grandparents who love them and want to spend time with them are blessed*.


and

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lolagirl* 
So I would really encourage you to take a step back and *really think about why you had such a negative reaction to the situation you described in your OP.* Are you genuinely concerned that she did something harmful to your child, or are you somehow apprehensive about that special time taking away from what you have with him? Unless your MIL is toxic or dangerous, I would stronly encourage you to let their relationship develop with minimal intervention by you. Feel free to make some basic ground rules if you really feel they are important but otherwise just let it be.











Your MIL sounds like my mom.

At first, my husband couldn't understand how excited she was about little things like giving a bath. It was sort of an issue as he would get annoyed with her.

Then I realized, sadly, that he never saw such unrestrainted parent/grandparent child love before and that was why he thought all the little things like sharing a bath time, getting the first hug thru the door, having a pj cuddle, etc. were unnecessary for a grandparent.

OMG - who wouldn't just love a fresh washed baby-in-their-pjs cuddle?!?!

As time has gone by, he now "gets" it and is happy our DS has a close relationship with my mom.

I have a close friend whose in-laws and two sets of great-grandparents are over the moon about their grandkids. She also didn't come from an outwardly loving family and she is constantly annoyed by the grandparent's and great-grandparent's desires to just be with the grandkids.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Wow, they would have to call you about "bath protocol"?! What would happen if they couldn't get hold of you? Your DS would have to sit around filthy till they got the OK to bathe him?

I think you have control issues.

I agree. I also think its partly a 1st time mom thing.

There are things I did with my 1st that I look back on and roll my eyes at MYSELF for.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

I can understand why you might be upset with your MIL. It does sound like there is some undercurrent of tension between you two that needs to be resolved-by your dh. His mother, his problem, his responsibility to talk to her. It also sounds like there might be some jealousy on your part b/c you can't be home with him more which is also understandable.

That being said, you also sound controlling and seem like you have a lot of "rules" in regards to your son, i.e. lotions/soaps and a "bath protocol" and that's with your own parents. Unless your son has skin issues, I doubt that one or two baths with a mild children's soap is going to give him cancer.

With the way you are coming across with all these rules and such, you sound like one of "those moms" who it's not even worth it to watch your child b/c you seems like you would have problem with the least little thing that someone did that you wouldn't necessarily do. JMO, take it or leave it.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Jumping back to add - assuming all her intentions are good and there isn't some undisclosed real cause for concern - think about the relationship you would like to have with future grandchildren. Someday you may be walking in her shoes.

In full disclosure, my MILs (2, one step and one bio) are WHACKED and I would never let them watch DS, which is maybe why I am more willing to give grandparents/ILs a break when the spouse has what appear to be small/contolling/minor/petty issues with them.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

You are overreacting.

She sounds like a loving, involved grandma . . . which is more than my kids have on their dad's side of the family. What is the harm in her bathing him? Even taking pictures of him in the tub? Dressing him up? How is this hurting him in the slightest? My mom does/did all these things with my kids when they were small . . . she even bathes with the kids sometimes.

Take a step back before you attack her for providing your son with loving and affectionate care. If you don't want her to use certain bath products, that's fine . . . but she isn't doing anything wrong!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I would not have a problem with MIL (or my mom) bathing and changing the kids' clothes







In fact, I'm usually very grateful they come back clean. saves me time!

This from someone who is careful about checking our skin care products on cosmetic database and sticking only to safe soaps/lotions. But... to me, it's not a big deal for an occasional bath in Johnson & Johnson.

And I agree, if you do not want MIL to give baths you need be very up-front about it before she spends her free time caring for your child.

ETA: oh, and my mom has quite a bit of bath and naked bum baby pics of her grand kids. It's cute, it's harmless, it would never occur to me to be upset about it. In fact, she often gets extra copies of bath-time photos for me to have (and I frame them!).


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## AmyB736 (Oct 21, 2006)

I don't think it sounds like your MIL did anything out of the norm. Giving a baby or child a bath is not something that people normally think twice about. I was a nanny and I never thought to get permission from the parents before I bathed their son. And it's up to you to pack special products or make it known that no products (or no bath) be given. I wouldn't expect someone to know that.

As a mom I enjoy taking photos of my kids and my SIL's enjoy it even more. They photograph my kids every visit with them (just about) so I'm having a hard time seeing the problem there as well. If she photographed him nude just ask her to delete them and not take any in the future. It sounds like your MIL adores your son and that is something you should be happy about.

I think saying anything to your MIL could make things tense between you, if it's not already. And if she's not your childs regular caregiver you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it to bring these issues up.


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## SmoothieMom (Feb 12, 2009)

To the OP, are you paying these people to babysit while you work? If not I don't think you should say anything, they are doing you a favor.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 
At first, my husband couldn't understand how excited she was about little things like giving a bath. It was sort of an issue as he would get annoyed with her.

Then I realized, sadly, that he never saw such unrestrainted parent/grandparent child love before and that was why he thought all the little things like sharing a bath time, getting the first hug thru the door, having a pj cuddle, etc. were unnecessary for a grandparent.

Wow, I think you've really hit on an important point here. Not to be too nosey, but what kind of relationship, if any, did you have with your own grandparents, kryztuh? If you were close with them then I would think you would want the same for your kids, but if not then I might understand why you have a difficult time wrapping your brain around this whole situation.

I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandparents, especially my grandmother when I was young. She was a rock for me growing up, she loved me unconditionally, she always had a kind word to offer and she gave freely of her time and affection. She had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mom while raising her and into adulthood, and I'm so glad my mother was still able to take a step back from all that and just let our relationship be what it was. The reason I tell that whole story is because I truly feel that not only did my relationship with my grandmother contribute a great deal to me being who I am today, and it also made me understand just how beautiful a grandparent/grandchild relationship can be.


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I had to learn to let go of control when it came to people with my kids. Their grandparents love them, and though they don't do things just the way I would, they do things that work for them, and the kids love their grandparents.

I don't say that dismissively (for my daughter's first 3 years I wouldn't let anyone else do anything because they didn't do it 'right'.) I get it, but even though I've BTDT- it wasn't the right way for any of us to go.

Even now, my mom will sometimes do things with my kids that drive me batty. I've learned to let it go because the relationship they share is such a positive thing in my kids' lives.

I'll also say that my second is nearly 9 months old, and was sick this past week- I was really happy to see grandma giving him a bath when I came home from work. He had fun, she had a chance to relax because he stopped fussing, all around it worked well. I keep the supplies we use for him at home at their house as well- that way I know there won't be irritation issues.

I grew up hearing the phrase, 'you get control by giving it up,' and I've slowly come to see the wisdom in that statement.









All of the above said, if there is a real danger to the child, be as mamabear as necessary- for example, my kids will not be exposed to my fil. Ever. He isn't a good person, he's nuts, and he caused harm to other kids in the past. Ifit isn't a real danger, take a deep breath, and be happy the kids are so loved.


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## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

To me, it sounds like you have a very sweet, loving, and WONDERFUL child care arrangement for your little son right now! How blessed is your baby to be so lovingly cared for while you are at work. A warm bath and water to splash in, a clean change of clothes, pictures, and snuggles. That is a really fun afternoon for a 6 month old baby. And a joy for grandma, too.

I have to agree with other posters that it does sound like you are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that you have to be away from your little one, and that he will be sharing his time with other caregivers.

I don't think that your MIL crossed any boundaries and I am surprised that you would expect your parents to call you for "bath protocol" if he had a diaper explosion. Do you trust these people to love your son and keep him safe and happy? Then take a deep breath, they are doing a good job!

I am a caregiver too and maybe I can give you a peek from the other side. I have watched babies for other first time moms who called every couple hours, hovered over me, panicked, and got upset at everything. Every move, whether it was putting their baby in a playground swing, or going to the zoo, or taking a walk, was met with the suspicion that I was attempting to take away their baby's "firsts" and spend time doing the things with their babies that they wanted to do themselves while they were stuck at work. And frankly, it is unfair. And tiring. We are just trying to have a fun afternoon, nothing more. Barring some underlying issue that you haven't disclosed, it just sounds like a grandma having a great time with her little grandson. Both the bath, the change of clothes, and the PJs.

Best of luck and I hope you are able to work through this. Maybe packing some safe lotions and bath products in the bag would help put you at ease.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Wow, you mamas are quick! Thanks for all of the replys!

I think some of it is my own issues with not being with DS during the day (no choice). The other part is that if she had asked if it was OK first (she had instant access to me via email and phone), I could have addressed the soap/lotion/safety/photo issues and felt like she was respecting me as the mama. Again, I guess this is my issue. I feel like I am the subject of subtle dismissals from her very often, but need to figure out if those are my issues coming to the surface or if she is being manipulative.

It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. *If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol.* I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.

*As far as the clothing goes, the last time she watched him for a few hours, she put on pjs and 'got him ready for bed'. It was not yet his bedtime and I told my DH to convey that getting ready for bed is my special time with DS after being away all day and it's not OK for her to do this, and that he should come home in the clothes he was wearing unless they are soiled. He said he would tell MIL.* I guess I need to find out if he conveyed this.

Overall, you're right, this isn't the end of the world and she's only watching him for a few days. And it's not worth getting stressed out over. Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.

Mama, I understand that mama bear instinct. I remember when my DD was a newborn/infant and everyone wanted to hold her all the time. I remember aching to have her back in my arms. I thought I did let my family hold her all the time, according to my mom I "never" let her hold DD.
I also think you are overreacting a bit. While I think it a bit strange she gave him a bath for no reason, I don't think it is a big deal. I would have probably asked if he had recently taken a bath first, but no biggie. I agree with the other folks that are saying one bath with a different soap is not an issue unless your son has skin issues. I would think nothing of a grandparent playing in a baby pool with a baby in the summer, a bath is really not that different.
I would also never expect anyone to call me for "bath protocol" before bathing my baby after a blowout, nor would I call the parents if I was was watching anyone else's baby/toddler.
With regards to the jammies/special time, etc. She is not trying to take away your special time with your DS but have some of her own special time with him. You get to put on his jammies every night, is it that big of a deal for her to do it every once in a while?
I would also think nothing of a grandparent putting my child into another outfit or taking pictures (even naked ones) of them. There are sooo many more issues you could be dealing with - I didn't leave my DD with my mom until she was over a year because I had to worry about her doing things like giving my 6 month old ice cream (with me right there).
I also think since your MIL is not your DS's primary caregiver and is only watching him for a few days I would just let it go.
I also know what other mamas are saying about the passive aggressiveness and the baby just being a prop. I often feel this way about my own mom, when DD was younger it was all about making her perform and then her and the rest of the family would quickly lose interest. Just last month she freaked at the idea of us leaving her house at 8 pm (with an hour drive home) since a certain relative wasn't coming over until 7 pm and she wouldn't get to spend that much time with DD. Never mind DD's bedtime or anything else, it was just about how to fit DD into her plans.


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

I agree with most of the above posters that you may be overreacting just a tiny bit. I think a lot of us go through a stage where we want to control every little thing that happens to our kids, but then eventually realize that this is a battle that we just cannot win. Chilling out a little can relieve a lot of stress. So can picking your battles.

I know that my DS could stay in the bath for hours. Even at 6 months, he *loved* the bath. Maybe your MIL had similar experiences with her children, and wanted to do something fun with her grandson. There is only so much you can do for fun when they are that little.

If the bath product thing bothers you, I would go out and get a little basket, fill it with some yummy natural bath products,cute washcloths, etc and give it to your MIL as a little "for bathtime with Grandma" gift.

It sounds like she has good intentions and genuinely cares about her grandson. Pick your battles.


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## kryztuh (Jun 2, 2008)

Wow. I didn't expect so many replies. I guess I am overly sensitive. Honestly, I never envisioned anyone other than me or DH giving baths. And it has never come up since I've been back at work, and I hadn't given it a second thought. When I said "protocol", that was way too strong of a word. I just meant that my Dad would not give DS a bath without calling first (and he wouldn't want to give a baby as young as DS a bath anyway, so he would probably call me to ask if it was necessary for a specific reason, not just the joy of bathing a baby). We don't use soap very often, so I wouldn't pack it.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. DH mentioned to MIL that we aren't comfortable with baths at her OR my parents house. He agreed with me about the pics and asked her to delete any nekkid photos. The clothes thing I told him to just let it go (although it does feel like she is judging when he consistantly comes home in brand new clothes down to the socks). If I don't like the clothes, I just take them off when DS gets home and I can continue to do that.

Going back to work and dealing with DH's odd schedule has been a difficult transition, mixing in to that a strained but polite relationship with MIL over many years, including what I perceive as much interfering in our marriage. DH and I are in counseling to deal with many of these issues.

It's hard to explain nuances online, and being a mother for such a short time, it's hard to know what the right thing is to do sometimes. But I guess I should be prepared for all kinds of responses when I put myself out there online.


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## Tdunahoo (Apr 10, 2008)

I think you have other issues with your MIL so this mole-hill turned into a mountain because of your feelings for her (trust me, I've been there with my FIL)

honestly, from what it sounds like your MIL wasn't playing "dress up" she probably was thinking "whats something fun I can do with ______?" and a bath is always fun and then put clean clothes on him afterwards. When you see her just say "hey MIL, I noticed you gave DS a bath the other day I just wanted you to know that next time you do can you make sure you use the lotions and etc that we use?".


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## RunAround (Feb 12, 2009)

Adjusting to motherhood and how it changes your relationships is no walk in the park, eh? It does sound like you are trying to control a lot, but there are probably underlying reasons for that. I ended up seeing a therapist because my personal issues with motherhood were starting to become a family affair.







My therapist is a working mom with 2 young kids and it's such a relief to talk to someone who really gets what I'm feeling. (Plus, it's so relaxing and quiet there!! I wish I could go more often!!)

Good luck. Your son is young, you've only begun your journey as a parent. Most new moms are wound incredibly tight.







Learning to let go and let others build their relationships with your son will come with time, if you give those relationships room to grow. Honestly, I'd saw off an arm to have involved, caring grandparents for my kids. Keep in mind that if you see great things in your husband, that crazy MIL probably had something to do with cultivating those qualities. And, she probably bathed her own kid(s) a time or two. Now that my kids are getting so big so quick, I can only imagine how wonderful it would be to hold another baby again and how incredibly special it would be if that baby was the child of my own child. We should probably give those "selfish grandmas" a bit more understanding. One day, _if you're lucky_, you might be one, too.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Honestly hon, I think you should try to lighten up just a little. I know how hard it can be to have to leave your little one with someone else, but they love him too and are trying to build a relationship with him as well.
If the issue is bath products, just explain to them that. If the issue is something else....well, that needs to be dealt with, whatever it is.
Also, if I wouldn't trust someone to give my child a bath, I wouldn't trust them to watch my child period.


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## Munchkinmaker (Jun 8, 2005)

My oldest is 9 and we didn't have a PC until he was a year old... But I wish I would have had a computer and the internet to talk about these kinds of things when I had my first new baby... But more importantly I wish I could have complained about these kinds of things on a message board and had thought to print them out so I could read it 9 years later









If I can suggest anything I'd suggest to try and not let these little things eat away at you, don't sweat the small stuff and maybe even print this thread out and stuff it in a baby book somewhere. I can't bash anyone for feeling this way. Most new moms will go through this but most will come out the other end and blush when they think back to those early days of motherhood


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I have not read any of the replies yet, but i do think you are over-reacting. My mom gives my kids a bath all the time. My 3yo DD even takes a shower with her when she is here. I actually like it when my mom is here and she does the bath because that is something that I don't have to worry about doing when I get home from work.

And even the pictures wouldn't bother me (assuming it is a baby and not an older child). I'd even ask for copies.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I dont see what the big deal is honestly, unless you are worried about abuse for some reason. It sounds more to me like a control issue.


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

I think that you are completly over-reacting. There are not many things you can *do* with a 6 month old, a bath is often a fun, age appropriate activity.
I am sure she knows how to do it safely too, she is a mother herself.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maeve* 
*Also, if I wouldn't trust someone to give my child a bath, I wouldn't trust them to watch my child period.*

This.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Haven't read the replies.

I would say that you are probably overreacting, and I would let it go. But given how aggressive she is about getting baby-time, I bet it's easy to be pretty sensitive about this sort of thing.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 

Then I realized, sadly, that he never saw such unrestrainted parent/grandparent child love before and that was why he thought all the little things like sharing a bath time, getting the first hug thru the door, having a pj cuddle, etc. were unnecessary for a grandparent.

OMG - who wouldn't just love a fresh washed baby-in-their-pjs cuddle?!?!

As time has gone by, he now "gets" it and is happy our DS has a close relationship with my mom.
.

That's sweet. It's kind of like my dad, who never really understood the whole cosleeping thing. Until ds spent the night with him and insisted on sleeping in his bed. Now he's 8 and no longer sleeps with us, but always sleeps with Papa when he visits









Quote:


Originally Posted by *SmoothieMom* 
To the OP, are you paying these people to babysit while you work? If not I don't think you should say anything, they are doing you a favor.

Free babysitting doesn't equal a fsee pass. The op's feelings are valid, regardless if they are doing her a favor or not.

To the OP, I admire you for trying to get to the bottom of why it bothers you.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I also think its partly a 1st time mom thing.

There are things I did with my 1st that I look back on and roll my eyes at MYSELF for.

Yes, this. I think we all do. The "protect them" instinct that we have is good, but sometimes when it is new we need to learn how to use it only when needed on not against everyone. I am very guilty of this myself - almost 13 years ago now. So much wasted stress and negative energy that I put myself (and my dp and my dd) through. Live and learn.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 
Jumping back to add - assuming all her intentions are good and there isn't some undisclosed real cause for concern - think about the relationship _you_ would like to have with future grandchildren. Someday you may be walking in her shoes.

This is another great point. When it is us with our grandbabies, I hope we welcome new info (like we taught our moms/aunts/grammas that we aren't using baby powder anymore and waiting a bit longer to introduce solid food), but are also given the respect of trusting us with our grandchildren - that we will love and care for them when in our care.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RunAround* 
Your son is young, you've only begun your journey as a parent. Most new moms are wound incredibly tight.







Learning to let go and let others build their relationships with your son will come with time, if you give those relationships room to grow.

We should probably give those "selfish grandmas" a bit more understanding. One day, _if you're lucky_, you might be one, too.

Yes, yes. Wound tight doesn't begin to describe how I was as a new first time mom. I do remember it. I wish I hadn't been, but we all go through it.

When dd1 was a baby, everything my MIL did seemed to set me off. Dp once pointed out to me that my best friend's mom (who is the most wonderful adoptive gramma any kid ever had!) could do no wrong. If she did the EXACT same thing that my MIL did, I'd be fine with her doing it and furious at my MIL. It was true. MIL wasn't a bad person; we just had a lot of differences of opinion, and just weren't bonded the way I am with my best friend's mom. It has a lot to do with the relationship YOU have with the person as to how you feel about their actions with your child.

I lost my parents when I was 12 and 14. I have raised my kids specifically to have close relationships with as many loving adults as I can - it is a detriment and risk to them to only trust me and their dad. We may not always be here. My brother was only six by the time both our parents had passed away. And even with my tightly wound opinions, I - from an hour after birth - was happy to have other people hold her.


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## SmoothieMom (Feb 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamalisa* 

Free babysitting doesn't equal a fsee pass. The op's feelings are valid, regardless if they are doing her a favor or not.


No argument that her feelings are valid, it's acting on them that is the question.

If I was providing FREE child care and getting criticized, it would stop.


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## vivvysue (Feb 18, 2007)

i sure hope you and dh work through this in your counselling together, and that you work through your own feelings too. sometimes it seems so hard, the things you imagined as you grew up, that your life would be. how it would be to become a wife/partner, what it felt like to be a mother... and it is just so so much more than you ever expected, and overwhelming. almost never what you thought it would be and so daunting to have this beautiful creation and have _such complete_ responsibility for the care and raising of









reading all the responses here so totally made me remember how i felt as a new mom, i really liked the idea of the pp who mentioned printing this out and putting it in a baby book... i have changed into so many different women on this journey through life... it is scary and exhilarating all at once and easy for any of us with grown children to say relax and let it be...when you had your baby you gave birth to a new mama also.... remember to be gentle with yourself as you grow into this new you...

v


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Its SO HARD to be a new mom, being in the middle of everyone having these new relationships, expecatations, and dreams of how they would be this new mom/dad/grandma/etc. This need to say "I am the mommy!!"

This is totally normal- to feel like "I need to do it" or she can, he can't, whatever. But as parenting goes forward, you find your grove, you come to realise all these things that seemed so important are just not what they seemed. The responsibility of becoming a parent is HUGE and it is hard to know which things are really "there" and which are not as important. It does get easier.

My own mom is super, but she lives far away so visits are kind of "a lot". My 2nd son is now 6 months old, my older one is 4. She told me "When you come I'm gonna hold that baby all day! Except when he needs to nurse!" I said... "GREAT!" Now, with my first, I could have seen myself analyzing this, wondering what I was supposed to do, etc. I've come to see that it is an important loving relationship, even if everything is not exactly the way I'd do it.

You'll find your balance. Until then, try to be easy on MIL... and yourself!


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## luv-my-boys (Dec 8, 2008)

I personally dont see a problem with what she did. However, because it seems to bother you I would speak to her about it. I am a very protective mama bear with the kids but honestly I dont see anything horrid about what she did. I would speak to her about the bath issue as I have had a sensitive child I know how irritating soaps/lotions can be. Perhaps it was just meant to be a nice gesture..., DIL will be coming home from work why dont I help her out and give the baby a bath kind of thing. I would strike up a conversation about bath tub safety and offer my own soap for next time. I would also mention the picture issue more as the we try to be careful with what kinds of pics are taken of the kids...blame it on the weirdos of the world. it will strike a grandma chord with her.


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

so, i have to admit that i would be PISSED if my MIL did this... but i wouldn't think twice about it if my mom did it...









hehee.. at least i'm honest, right?









i do think the only real issue about it (for me) would be the use of soaps. DD has rediculously sensitive skin, and the one time we put J&J baby lotion she got HIVES everywhere








so, other than that, it would just be my issues with my MIL and her crossing boundaries i didn't want her to cross.


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## feminist~mama (Mar 6, 2002)

I didn't read most of the replies, but I'm assuming that most folks agreed that this really isn't that big of a deal...









OTOH, I left my 1 month old dd with my mom for an hour for the first time ever and came back to find that my mom had left my dd in the swing the ENTIRE TIME! I was totally upset and angry- I rarely used the swing (I felt like it was dd's baby crack- I swear her eyes would glaze over) and my mom knew that. Plus, who wouldn't want to hold and snuggle the baby without mom there to be protective/ take her away/ have the baby wanting mama? My mom cleaned the floors... sigh. Granted, dd was perfectly happy in the swing- but still!







My mom wasn't left alone with my dd for another 6-7 years after that!

Good luck OP! I hope you manage to sort out your feelings and come to some peace!


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I have not read all the replies but I think you are over-reacting a bit. I would be annoyed that this happened but I wouldn't be as upset as you are. It was an innocent afternoon that grandma got to play with her grandbaby. Giving him bath didn't hurt him and I'm sure she got some cute pictures of him (and who says she got one of his winky?). I would perhaps say "I know that you gave ds a bath the other day, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't to that anymore as I don't want to dry out his skin". That way you get what you want and it was a nice, subtle way to do it.


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Going back to work and dealing with DH's odd schedule has been a difficult transition, mixing in to that a strained but polite relationship with MIL over many years, including what I perceive as much interfering in our marriage. DH and I are in counseling to deal with many of these issues.

It's hard to explain nuances online, and being a mother for such a short time, it's hard to know what the right thing is to do sometimes. But I guess I should be prepared for all kinds of responses when I put myself out there online.

I have a less than ideal relationship with my MIL as well. I know I sometimes react more strongly to things she does than if someone else did them. It bugs me when she walks away with my son for no reason except to attempt to have all of his attention.









I don't have any great advice about the situation. It is uncomfortable to have someone watching your child that you have an uneasy relationship with. I do think it'd be a good idea to address these issues with your hubby (probably during counseling) to try to figure out a way for you to feel comfortable with your childcare.


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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

I would ask your son how he felt about it.

If you're worried about soaps and such, and pictures, explain that- but I have found that if I ask my parents to watch the kids, I need to set aside some of my own preferences. It's one thing if you are paying someone to watch your child- then they should do everything according to your preferences. But when it is family, who is also developing their own relationship with your child, and a favor at that- this is where I find I need to step back and let my parents be their perhaps quirky selves. I realized one day when I was annouyed about something she did with my son that my son is not my "possession"- yes I am responsible for his safety, but I have to leave room for him to do *safe* things that are fun for him, even if maybe not in my comfort zone. By comfort zone I don't mean your gut feeling that a situation is for some reason *bad*- if you have that kind of feeling, then trust it!

Also, I could see my mom doing this to break up the day a bit. Water play is so fun for little ones.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Maybe rather than thinking of how she's judging you, you could just remember that it's SUPER fun to shop for clothes, and she's probably just really having fun buying little outfits for your little sweetie, and imagining him wearing them, and then happily dressing him in them while she kisses him and loves on him. I understand you wish it was you, but isn't it great that it's someone? And a grandma, no less?


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## AngieB (Oct 25, 2003)

I really think you need to give your MIL a break. You also have to take a step back and look at this as a realtionship between grandmother and grandchild and leave your MIL/DIL issues out of it. Here is what I see from your post...

1. She is using her vaction to spend time with her grandson (when she could be laying on the beach with a good book)

2. She played with him, gave him fun things to do like play in the bath.

3. Took lots of cute pictures of him, some of which she was nice enoug h to send to you.

4. She bought him new clothes and wanted to see how cute he would look in them.

I have read many, many post here on MDC with DIL's complaining that their MIL does not do these things for their grandkids. Your MIL did nothing wrong. I understand that you have issues with her but this is not about you, this is about a baby getting love and attention from a loving grandparent. I also have to agree with the posters who said this is more about you being unhappy with the fact that it is your MIL with your baby during the day and not you. I toltally understand this. I WOH for the first 4 years of being a mom and was very inhappy that it was my MIL doing all the fun stuff with my babies during the day. But I alway was very very greatful that if it had to be someone else with my child it was the next best thing.


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
It honestly NEVER crossed my mind to go over baths with her because never in a million years is that something my dad or mom would do when watching DS. If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol. I am very particular about the products we use and everyone knows it.

I would just add, too, that while it sounds as though you and your family are very big on a "check first" kind of ethic, many -- I would venture to guess most -- people are very uncomfortable with feeling as though they need to ask before doing otherwise seemingly ordinary things. Were I myself watching a child whose parents expected me to call and ask before I did just anything for the first time ... well, frankly, I would seriously have to reconsider watching that child. What feels normal to you feels like walking on eggshells to me ... and to some degree it might well to your MIL as well.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

I really feel like this whole thing was about you not having a good relationship with your MIL, rather than any specific thing she did WRT dressing/bathing/pictures. I hope that you and your dh will learn through counseling how best to deal with her when she's crossing the line in other matters, so that you won't get all stressed out over things that are NOT generally considered to be out of the realm of grandparenting. It sounds like she works and your dad is the usual caregiver, so hopefully this kind of thing just won't come up too often.

My MIL is very passive-aggressive (to everybody, not just me), and I totally shut it down 90% of the time by pretending I don't notice it. The other 10% of the time I tell her to stop being passive-aggressive.







We have a great relationship, and I'm so glad she is there for my kids. I try to give her "treats" like letting her organize my drawers and closets when I'm out of town and she's petsitting - insane I know, but it makes her so happy! Sometimes it makes a world of difference to figure out what random thing would make a person feel appreciated and accepted by you, and then do it.


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

I haven't read all of the responses yet but I wouldn't be upset. Both my mother and my MIL love bathing my baby...when she was teeny tiny, both told me so excitedly how much they loved bathing babies!

Unless you have other ongoing issues with your MIL, I would assume she only wanted to love and enjoy your baby. She's her son's son, you know? Babies are tiny for such a short time and bring so much joy to those around them - having him there and being able to care for him probably brought back wonderful memories of your DH when he was tiny. I hope when my DD has babies of her own she'll trust me to love and care for them as though they were my own...and I can see being really excited about bathing and dressing a tiny baby again if my daughter didn't have a problem with it.

MIL always bathes my baby when she watches her and she loves changing her clothes from what I brought. She never had a daughter and loves combing her hair and dressing her in girly outfits. I feel lucky to have someone else love my daughter so much, especially when I can't be with her.

I'd talk frankly with her about how you feel or the care you'd prefer for your DS. I told my MIL non-negotiables, like no CIO, but I give her a lot of space from that. She did a great job with my DH so I'm confident in her Mom-stuff and safety precautions, even if it's different than the way I necessarily do things. DD is always happy to see her.

I'm going to have to start talking about discipline soon and I'm hoping that conversation goes as well.

Hopefully any issues you have are resolved! It doesn't sound like she meant to make you upset...good luck!


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## shelleyd (Jul 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Wow. I didn't expect so many replies. I guess I am overly sensitive. Honestly, I never envisioned anyone other than me or DH giving baths. And it has never come up since I've been back at work, and I hadn't given it a second thought. When I said "protocol", that was way too strong of a word. I just meant that my Dad would not give DS a bath without calling first (and he wouldn't want to give a baby as young as DS a bath anyway, so he would probably call me to ask if it was necessary for a specific reason, not just the joy of bathing a baby). We don't use soap very often, so I wouldn't pack it.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. DH mentioned to MIL that we aren't comfortable with baths at her OR my parents house. He agreed with me about the pics and asked her to delete any nekkid photos. *The clothes thing I told him to just let it go (although it does feel like she is judging when he consistantly comes home in brand new clothes down to the socks). If I don't like the clothes, I just take them off when DS gets home and I can continue to do that.*
Going back to work and dealing with DH's odd schedule has been a difficult transition, mixing in to that a strained but polite relationship with MIL over many years, including what I perceive as much interfering in our marriage. DH and I are in counseling to deal with many of these issues.

It's hard to explain nuances online, and being a mother for such a short time, it's hard to know what the right thing is to do sometimes. But I guess I should be prepared for all kinds of responses when I put myself out there online.

I just want to say that my mil loves to buy clothes for my daughters. I know that sometimes I like to pick out clothes for my girls. But let me tell you how nice it is for her to buy clothes for my daughters. My oldest is three and I have a 4 month old as well. I don't buy clothes for them. EVER. My mil does and I realize that I'm really lucky. I don't like every outfit she buys but it's not the end of the world and she enjoys doing it. It saves me lots of money. It's not a criticism of clothes that we pick out or anything. It really is as simple as my mil wanting to see my daughters in cute outfits she bought.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Wow. I didn't expect so many replies. I guess I am overly sensitive. Honestly, I never envisioned anyone other than me or DH giving baths. And it has never come up since I've been back at work, and I hadn't given it a second thought. When I said "protocol", that was way too strong of a word. I just meant that my Dad would not give DS a bath without calling first (and he wouldn't want to give a baby as young as DS a bath anyway, so he would probably call me to ask if it was necessary for a specific reason, not just the joy of bathing a baby). We don't use soap very often, so I wouldn't pack it.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. DH mentioned to MIL that we aren't comfortable with baths at her OR my parents house. He agreed with me about the pics and asked her to delete any nekkid photos. The clothes thing I told him to just let it go (although it does feel like she is judging when he consistantly comes home in brand new clothes down to the socks). If I don't like the clothes, I just take them off when DS gets home and I can continue to do that.

Going back to work and dealing with DH's odd schedule has been a difficult transition, mixing in to that a strained but polite relationship with MIL over many years, including what I perceive as much interfering in our marriage. DH and I are in counseling to deal with many of these issues.

It's hard to explain nuances online, and being a mother for such a short time, it's hard to know what the right thing is to do sometimes. But I guess I should be prepared for all kinds of responses when I put myself out there online.

I think the underlying issues are key here. The feeling of being judged, interference, etc. I often have these troubles too. I have learned to relax as ds grows. Even though I just told the IL's they can't give him candy for Easter.

I don't think the bath is a big deal, it is a fun activity to do with a baby. I remember when ds was a newborn, I saw a poster that listed all the rules from a baby's perspective. It was very cute, and one of the rules was "when I'm cranky, put me in water". I made a mental note of that one. Perhaps she remembered how much fun babies have in water.

That said, I don't buy into the idea if you can't trust them to bathe your child you can't trust them to watch them. When ds was younger I tried to work it out so he didn't need a bath when grandma watches him. She is simply not agile or strong, and ds has slipped twice in the tub while I was watching him. She can make him food and do things like puzzles and games with him, and doesn't need to give him a bath.

I would say let it go, unless there is a reason you think she shouldn't be left in charge of a child in water. And the clothes can always go to charity.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
I'm hoping some other mamas can give me some perspective. I was really angry about this last night but have calmed down now and need to figure out what to say this evening.

Background: my dad normally watches DS (6 months) a few days a week while I'm working and DH has rotating shift work schedule. My MIL has off work this week for Easter and requested that she be able to watch DS. She has watched him once or twice before for a few hours.

I dropped DS off yesterday morning. She was kind enough to snap a photo and email to me while I'm at work. DH picked up DS and I got home a few hours after that. When I get home, DS is wearing different clothes. I asked DH why he is wearing different clothes, did he have a leaky diaper, etc.

DH responds that he didn't know why DS had different clothes on, but that he played in the water today. I was really confused, and he explained that MIL had DS in the tub today because she wanted to see how he played in the water. DH didn't care and didn't see the big deal.

I am really peeved. It just seems like she crossed a boundary. She didn't ask permission first. I don't know if she used any soaps or other bath products or lotions, and that peeves me. I don't know what safety precautions were taken. I'm sure she took tons of pictures and that seems like a violation of DS's privacy. And she treated him like a baby doll and played dress up with him. That really irks me. All while I'm stuck at the office.

So am I way out of line here? Making mountain out of a mole-hill? She is a self-proclaimed selfish granny, and I'm constantly having to bat down outstretched "give me the baby" arms every time we visit. I'm just getting tired of dealing with it. DH doesn't get it.

DH will be dropping DS off with MIL in a few hours and I'm picking DS up tonight. I made it clear to DH that if he doesn't say something to MIL, I will. The question is, what do I say? I don't want to open the floor for debate.

Thanks in advance, my stomach is churning over this. I'm really close to leaving work early to just avoid dropping DS off over there altogether (but that's not really practical and avoiding the situation probably isn't the best course of action?)


Without reading the other replies, my first reaction to your post is that I wouldn't think it's a big deal at all for grandma to let a six-month old baby play in the water while she's babysitting him. I cannot even fathom batting an eye over any of DS's grandparents giving him a bath. Sometimes it can be a great way to calm a fussy baby and I trust their judgement with safety completely. The fact that you are having such a strong negative reaction makes me think that there is something else going on, in which case you do need to listen to your gut.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
So am I way out of line here? Making mountain out of a mole-hill?

Yes.







I can understand feeling uncomfortable with the safety issues of giving a 6 month old a bath by someone who has only watched him "once or twice" in the past. BUT, this is your DH's mother, and, he did make it to adult-hood.









Having said that, I'm of the mind that I don't leave my kid with people I don't trust. If I had to put conditions on things they were "allowed" and not allowed to do because I didn't trust that they wouldn't take the appropriate safety measures, then I wouldn't be leaving my kid with them. Bath time included.

But then again, throwing my kid in the bath with an inch or so of water after almost every meal was a normal thing at 6 months old, and a warm bath helped her to sleep before nap times anyway. So for whoever was watching her, bathing was _normal_, hence the reason I had to trust them to not let my kid drown lest they not be trusted to watch her _at all_. You know?

Long story short, for me, based on my experiences, you are way over reacting. Especially in regards in "treating him like a baby doll and playing dress up". Good heavens, he's a grandbaby! Isn't that a requisite of grandmothers? To buy way too many clothes and then take pleasure in seeing their grandbaby wearing them? Smile, say thanks, and donate the stuff he doesn't wear.

As a mother who lives 3000 miles away from her kid's maternal nanna, be thankful you have someone in your life willing to fawn over your son. My kid has to do it through a web cam.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
I'd take a step back and imagine yourself in her shoes. Its her grandson.


I agree. He's your son, but he's her grandson.


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## kryztuh (Jun 2, 2008)

Thanks for the gentle responses. While I'm sure I did over-react at first about the bath, again it just really threw me for a loop because it has never come up before and was completely unexpected.

DS is now asleep snuggled up next to me--I got to see him awake for about an hour and a half total today, so I try to make every one of those minutes count. I think I really felt like some part of my quality time was taken from me and it was just a knee-jerk reaction. I know it doesn't have to be either/or with grandparents or mama activities, but it still stings on days like this when 90 minutes of awake time just isn't enough.

She does see him at least once a week already and I do want DS and MIL to develop a good, healthy relationship and will have to explore that a bit more. I don't necessarily think DH's relationship with his mom is all that healthy, but that's another issue entirely.

I am grateful to have loving family care for DS and hope I don't seem ungrateful. There can be a steep learning curve trying to figure it all out.

Thanks for giving me some things to think about (gently)!


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
If he had a blow out or something, I know my parents would call me asking about bath protocol.

Perhaps your feelings are just due to family dynamics, because this is just weird to me. If my kid had a blow out and was covered in poop, never in a million years would I expect a phone call asking about bath protocol. Just clean the kid up, how hard can it be?


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shelleyd* 
I just want to say that my mil loves to buy clothes for my daughters. I know that sometimes I like to pick out clothes for my girls. But let me tell you how nice it is for her to buy clothes for my daughters. My oldest is three and I have a 4 month old as well. I don't buy clothes for them. EVER. My mil does and I realize that I'm really lucky. I don't like every outfit she buys but it's not the end of the world and she enjoys doing it. It saves me lots of money. It's not a criticism of clothes that we pick out or anything. It really is as simple as my mil wanting to see my daughters in cute outfits she bought.

This is so true. I have really never had to buy much for my DD, I have because I wanted to, but out of necessity no. I feel very blessed that my family(mine and ILs) do buy the majority of DD's clothes and I am sure we won't be buying too much for our baby on the way. I honestly think that she is *not* trying to undermine you. It's clothes she bought for her grandson, she wants to see him in them...._it's just clothes._ I really don't feel she's trying to make some evil ploy that he wasn't dressed correctly or something. Plus I have to say when my DD was 6 months I seriously changed her clothes 4-6x's a day, so for her to be in different clothes from the time I dropped her off to the time I picked her up would have not meant a thing. Gosh she still is always wearing something different after she goes to G-pa and G-ma's they just enjoying buying her things.

I think that it definitely is more about you and your MIL-than just her giving you son a bath and putting him in new clothes. I think you need to evaluate what is really going on.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
DS is now asleep snuggled up next to me--I got to see him awake for about an hour and a half total today, so I try to make every one of those minutes count. I think I really felt like some part of my quality time was taken from me and it was just a knee-jerk reaction.









I think this is the crux of your issue, and you needn't feel ashamed for this. Being a working mom must be hard in this regard, and I wouldn't fault anyone for wanting to take advantage of every waking moment. IF you still feel the need to say something, I think you should say exactly that. If you're willing to leave your son with her for a whole day, you obviously trust her. It's totally normal to feel a bit envious that someone got to do something fun with your baby that you enjoy while you're stuck at the office. Tell her that! She's a mom, I bet she'd understand.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

It is hard to be a new mama, and figure out the roles different people play. I am sorry you were feeling stressed and upset by it all. I think what your MIL did was totally normal, though.

To offer a different perspective, physical baby care/grooming like bathing, diapering, taking a baby to the potty, dressing them, would all be seen as signs of love and caring in my family and extended family. Taking care of their physical needs is one way of showing how much you love them. My mom used to always bath my son, then put lotion on him, give him a massage, put him pajamas on him - make him feel comfy and connected. I think a lot of trust is built between child and care taker when that happens. That kind of care taking is building the relationship between them - and even if you and your MIL don't have the greatest relationship, I would presume you want your child to have a solid relationship with their grandma.

I can see being concerned over the types of soap and lotions used if she was bathing him every day. On the other hand, if your child doesn't have issues that make using a specific type really important, I would let it go. Your baby will be fine if they get some other kind of soap or lotion from time to time. In the grand scheme of life, it isn't that big of a deal. I remember when my son was a baby, and we would visit my dad, I would make him drive a half hour each way to get the organic baby food. I can laugh at that now (and luckily, so can my dad, although he dutifully did drive an hour round trip for the food) because I know DS would have been fine if he had eaten a few non-organic meals. I think it is the same thing about the soap and lotion.

It is hard to give up some of the control and realize different people are going to care for our children differently than we would have. As long as none of it is damaging - leaving him alone in the bath in this case - I think it is really valuable for children to feel they have different adults in their life that will step in and care for them. I know the learning curve is steep, especially when they are so little. Sorry for that.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

It sounds like you are missing your baby a lot during the day.








When I am a grandma I hope I will be allowed to bathe my grandchildren. I want to be able to do everything for them, bathe them, change their diaper, wipe their bum, wipe their nose, etc. I want to do all the dirty work again







Dressing them up is so much fun, too!

I say give her a chance. It doesn't sound like she's done anything really awful.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

I haven't read the replies but in my opinion, you are overreacting. I understand how you feel and that it is hard not to feel that way, but from experience I can tell you that if you try to look at you MIL's actions and stop assuming that she is trying to overstep you or one up you and just really think about it, the things that she is doing may not seem like such an issue anymore. Like think about it someone else did what she did. Someone that you really like. Would you still be as upset abou it? Does that make sense?
Hope that helps a little. I know that when I stopped assuming that my MIL was always trying to intimidate me or not respect my parenting or whatever, I realized that the way she was acting was really like a loving, caring grandmother.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Wow, they would have to call you about "bath protocol"?! What would happen if they couldn't get hold of you? Your DS would have to sit around filthy till they got the OK to bathe him?


I wondered this, too. Honestly DD spilled her drink all over her once, and our nanny had to bathe her. She told me as a sort of funny "what happened today" story (and to let me know she rinsed the clothes). It never even occurred to me to be upset with her. Our bathroom's very organized, so DD's bath stuff is all in her bathroom basket. I would never entrust someone with my children if I thought she didn't have the forethought to watch the kids in the bath (or anywhere really since that's why we're paying her).


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## Amylcd (Jun 16, 2005)

I don't see the problem. In fact, I was hoping my mother would bathe DD today while she was watching her









It sounds like you miss your child and resent the fact that grandma was doing those things with him instead of you. I hope this does not upset you, it is just my first thought after reading your post.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamalisa* 
That's sweet. It's kind of like my dad, who never really understood the whole cosleeping thing. Until ds spent the night with him and insisted on sleeping in his bed. Now he's 8 and no longer sleeps with us, but always sleeps with Papa when he visits









To the OP, I admire you for trying to get to the bottom of why it bothers you.









I remember begging my mom to sleep with her when I was little and the answer was always NO. (My nana, her mother, on the other hand would kick Pappy to the guest room when ever I stayed over so I could share her bed.)

Fast forward to now and when DS spends the night at Nana and Pappy's house, guess where he sleeps? Right between Nana and Pappy









She fully admits she has a totally different (and better, more comfortable) attitude towards her grandchild. This is bitter sweet for her because it pains her to think about what she could have done better (her words) when I was a child. I am just glad we all can enjoy and cherish DS.

OP, being that you and DH are in couples therapy now, it will be a great chance to confront this issue. Best of luck and I hope for a happy outcome!


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## accountclosed2 (May 28, 2007)

Just tell your MIL what you expect - in a nice way, like "I forgot to tell you but...". I would tell anyone watching my daughter that I'd prefer if they didn't give her a bath - and if it is absolutely necessary to never leave her there (I love my MIL, but she has quite a let-go mentality with children, I don't think she would think twice about answering the phone or do some cooking leaving DD in the bath). I would let her know that getting ready for bed won't be a help (I used to work as a nanny, some parents request that you get their children ready for bed, in my last job I started out doing it, just because I had in the earlier job, and they just told me nicely that it was to early for his bedtime, and a bath was un-necessary. No big deal). And send along her bath potions or ask that none are used.The dress-up thing I would drop, as long as she uses the clothes I had sent along.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.


This post made me cry. Because my fear is one day, my boys will have babies I never get to see because mothers are naturally so much closer to their own mothers rather than a mother in law.

To the OP - Just let her know what you do and do not want her to do when watching the babe. Don't tell your DH to tell her, tell her yourself, that way you know it's done.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.

Aww, you have such a way with words. Now I want another baby.







:


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.











best post on this thread. best post ever on MIL/DIL interaction.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SmoothieMom* 
To the OP, are you paying these people to babysit while you work? If not I don't think you should say anything, they are doing you a favor.

As a general rule, I agree, however, not when it comes to my child. Just because I receive a "free service" doesn't mean I have to sit idly by and let people do things I'm not comfortable with or would otherwise not allow had I paid them. That's absurd.

But (BIG but)... pick your battles. A new change of clothes? A bath? A grandma excited to hold her grandbaby? Uh, not a battle worth fighting in my opinion, of which financial compensation has NOTHING to do with it.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

AverysMomma, that was just beautiful.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:

This post made me cry. Because my fear is one day, my boys will have babies I never get to see because mothers are naturally so much closer to their own mothers rather than a mother in law.
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

Remember you can always give him ANOTHER bath when you get home. Most babies love baths and fortunatly there are no rules that say only bath bubba once a day


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

MIL trusts you with HER son, you can trust her with yours.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

omg
i had a whole post fomenting in my mind to type out, and your post, averysmomma, left me in tears, and all that i had originally thought has dissolved and im now feeling like i *get it* with my own MIL. thank you. very much. for your beautiful post, that made me reframe things in a huge way. i will be seeing MIL Sunday, and this post has changed the way I will be toward her with the kids. i feel a warmth and an empathy toward her i have never felt before. and now, with a son of my own, too, i really am appreciating this, this lightbulb moment. thank you.

to the op, i totally get where youre coming from, too. big hugs to you. i looked at your blog, and you are all just lovely. the picture of you outside, with your ds in the sling gives me warm fuzzies







i would totally be freaked out, myself, had this whole situation happened to me as a first time mama. something you said in your post earlier-about how your own parents would never have done that without asking you. that made me think, bc mine are the same. i think the whole entire relationship between a grown woman and her parents and a grown man and his parents is very different in alot of ways. men are different in the way that they handle things, too, irt to parenting. like, your parents may know about your preferences because you've had lots of dialogue with them about your mothering, but your dh is prob. not on the phone with his parents often, doing the same. ykwim?

my dh is very loving and caring and would also have reacted much like your dh. like, what's the big deal?
the mama bear instinct is so strong. i can imagine that this is a really sticky place to be in. especially with your little fella so little.

i hope you can find a comfort zone with MIL, for your own peace of heart, and for her, too.
hugs again,
e


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Must remember to actually type post before submitting. Sigh.

And now I've run out of time. Will post later. Sorry!


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Oh momma! This sounds like a tough situation you're in. I have only read the OP's posts...not much of the other awesome MDC mommas. *sorry*

At first I was going to say, Mountain out of mole hill. THEN I read more of what you described....and I must say that you are in a pickle! You are struggling with working and a VERY little baby. You are having a hard time figuring out how being a mommy and working all fits together! THat's a rough transition, especially when it's filled with hormones lol.

I see this "problem" as that you were taken by suprise! You didn't expect MIL to do this- and honestlly the THIS is of no consequence! It's that you didn't anticipate DS being bathed by anyone other than you or DH- you hadn't thought of that yet! You hadn't thought that OTHER people would do the things that you do- those things that you hold sacred!

I see the second part of this as you are still trying to draw the lines in the sand, so to speak, between DH, MIL, your dad and most of all who you want to be as a mom! Becomming a mother, with all it entails is WAY more than just having a baby to care for! This is a VERY hard role- and you are desprately trying to make the most of it, the best you can be, and be superwoman at the same time!

You also hinted that there are some Serious issues with MIL, and I really think that's got a lot to do with what you are feeling. You are feeling like she is taking over, doing things to sabotage you...in very mild ways. Maybe that's true, I've been there and it's so hard to describe, the little undermine ing things that they can do...rrrr! Maybe you are just being over sensative? over protective? over anxious? Don't know for sure. I would suggest that you take a big deep breath, and look at the situation again. You need to figure out what it is that has you so up in arms! Is it the bath? Is it the use of posible soaps? Is it that she's taken time away from you and DS of awake baby time? (we all know that a baby is sacked out after a bath!) Is it that she took you by surprise and just didn't Ask you to do that? What ever it is that's upset you I suggest that you look at it and realize what's worth fighting for.....and what needs to be overlooked!

Last, sorry I've written a novel, it seems like you and DH need to talk a bit more about his mom. If he WANTS to be the in between man, GREAT! IT's his family and he should have to deal with them- but that means that you are to handle youre family! If he doesn't want to talk to his mom, and get his point across then he needs to allow you to and back you up 100%, and make that known to his mom that he support YOU.

You have a lot to learn yet! You seem that you are doing good, and I hope that you continue to grow so much! Hang in there! You have one very darling little man, btw! Let him get all the love that the grands can give him! HE will be a better man for that love!


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.

God you're good.


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## Make(. )( .)NotWar (Apr 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yarngoddess* 
Oh momma! This sounds like a tough situation you're in. I have only read the OP's posts...not much of the other awesome MDC mommas. *sorry*

At first I was going to say, Mountain out of mole hill. THEN I read more of what you described....and I must say that you are in a pickle! You are struggling with working and a VERY little baby. You are having a hard time figuring out how being a mommy and working all fits together! THat's a rough transition, especially when it's filled with hormones lol.

I see this "problem" as that you were taken by suprise! You didn't expect MIL to do this- and honestlly the THIS is of no consequence! It's that you didn't anticipate DS being bathed by anyone other than you or DH- you hadn't thought of that yet! You hadn't thought that OTHER people would do the things that you do- those things that you hold sacred!

I see the second part of this as you are still trying to draw the lines in the sand, so to speak, between DH, MIL, your dad and most of all who you want to be as a mom! Becomming a mother, with all it entails is WAY more than just having a baby to care for! This is a VERY hard role- and you are desprately trying to make the most of it, the best you can be, and be superwoman at the same time!

You also hinted that there are some Serious issues with MIL, and I really think that's got a lot to do with what you are feeling. You are feeling like she is taking over, doing things to sabotage you...in very mild ways. Maybe that's true, I've been there and it's so hard to describe, the little undermine ing things that they can do...rrrr! Maybe you are just being over sensative? over protective? over anxious? Don't know for sure. I would suggest that you take a big deep breath, and look at the situation again. You need to figure out what it is that has you so up in arms! Is it the bath? Is it the use of posible soaps? Is it that she's taken time away from you and DS of awake baby time? (we all know that a baby is sacked out after a bath!) Is it that she took you by surprise and just didn't Ask you to do that? What ever it is that's upset you I suggest that you look at it and realize what's worth fighting for.....and what needs to be overlooked!

Last, sorry I've written a novel, it seems like you and DH need to talk a bit more about his mom. If he WANTS to be the in between man, GREAT! IT's his family and he should have to deal with them- but that means that you are to handle youre family! If he doesn't want to talk to his mom, and get his point across then he needs to allow you to and back you up 100%, and make that known to his mom that he support YOU.

You have a lot to learn yet! You seem that you are doing good, and I hope that you continue to grow so much! Hang in there! You have one very darling little man, btw! Let him get all the love that the grands can give him! HE will be a better man for that love!









I agree completely with this!
















I too would have been upset. I wouldn't have made an issue, because I tend to be very empathetic, and I totally get why your MIL is doing what she is doing. I feel sad for her actually. But yeah, I would be very upset too. I'm just an over-protective, uptight, anal freak like that.







So, sue me.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaskyla* 
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!









Maybe we should start a thread on this!! I have 2 boys. The oldest just turned 6 and I swear I think about what sort of mama my Grandbabies will have.

It kinda scares the carp outta me to be honest. I had homebirths, no vax or circ, extended BFing, baby wearing, Co Sleeping, CDing, ECing, Cooking from scratch, Consensual Living, Homeschooling and on and on....

My poor DIL's. I wonder if I will be one of those awful sMother In Laws that has completely unfair expectations.


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## Jennyfur (Jan 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.

What a beautiful, wonderful post!


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I don't see what the big deal is either. You should be greatful that she's taking such a loving interest in your son. Some grandparents are very much hand's off.

If you really feel the need to address anything, you could ask to make sure she knows to never, EVER turn her back on the baby in the tub. I'm sure she does, but it will releave some of your worries that you at least addressed it. I can understand why you are uncomfortable with her bathing him though. If its really important to you, just tell her. I'd rather if you didn't bath the baby. I like to do that at night (or whenever).

Playing 'dress up' with a baby isn't going to hurt him in any way. So what if he was wearing different clothes, really.

I know how it is to feel jealous and possessive of other people in your child's life. With my first, especially, I hated any time that I had to spend away from him. Even putting him in the church nursery was a nightmare for me because I just would've rather held him and spent that time with him. Its normal, but that doesn't mean you should give in to it. You need to work through it though.









ITA. I was like this with my first baby, and I honestly regret it. My grandma, who was the most important person to me in all the world, more so than my own mother, passed away when DS was 10 months old. I'm so sorry all the times I was overprotective and didn't hand him over to her and made it seem like I was annoyed by her help and interest.

I'm about to have my 3rd baby and honestly, now I bow down and thank anyone who can take them for a half hour and give them a bath or watch them ride their bikes or whatever. I draw the line at letting a 2yo and 5yo watch Jurassic Park though









My advice is to let people in who love your child. You can't do it alone. And your child(ren) deserve to have relationships with their family. I say that in the gentlest way possible.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Oh ladies....







.... I'm glad my post resonated.

It can be challenging to have that empathy for MILs because so many of them, it seems, have these crazy personality traits (defects!!







) and they get under our skin so badly sometimes....but the thing which can't be ignored about life, is that it is crazy and feels so long and hard at times. It has a way of bending and shaping a person and every year we get a little crazier...a little more "stuck in our ways". Time has a way of causing little quirks to become bigger ones....and over the years, "crazy" has a way of seeping out of the little wrinkles and knicks in our bodies.

I think about all the sadness I've ever felt and all the joy....both of these extremes are draining in their own ways. I think about how far I have to go....I'm only 25, I've got such a road ahead of me....so, when I look at my MIL and think about some of the things she does that drive me crazy, I try to see, instead of a a manipulative woman or whatever....the divorce that almost killed her with sadness, the two teenagers who were so tough who she managed all on her own, the beautiful home that she has worked so hard to keep on her own....the long 13 years she spent investing herself 100% into her kids....those years that she never once dated or tried to find a new love for herself....those 13 years on her own...capped off by her three most precious children flying away to new families one by one. When I think about her journey, respect what she's been through....when I think of all I still have to experience in this life...I really, really love her and feel an immense respect for her presonhood, but especially her motherhood.

She held my DH to her own breast....she whispered those same loving promises in the night, which I whisper to my own LO. For that, I remind myself often, that there is no love like a mothers love...and that as much as my DH is the sun in my sky....he is her whole universe.

So. Be kind to your MIL. All we are, is a bunch of future MILs....life will make us crazy and quirky, too, it will fill us with ideas about what we would do differently, could we have those precious moments back....and inevitably, we will be bursting at the seams to try and guide our DILs, because we will have that knowledge, those ideas.

My MIL looked at me once, while I was talking about how fast this is all moving...and she said _"Nat, hold onto her, please, while she's tiny like this...it goes and goes and is gone before you even realize what you have"_ - these words, we all exchange with such frequency...but when I looked into her eyes I saw pleading, and I heard her *real* words....which were _"Oh my young girl, you cannot know the sorrow of chilhood passed. These are the best of times for you, breathe them in until you are filled with them....they never come back"._

GL ladies...


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

AverysMomma, you have me reduced to a puddle. I don't have a MIL, but a mother and we don't have the best relationship....but she loves my dd so much.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

For me personally this wouldn't be an issue. We prefer certain products used in our house for bath time but one bath isn't going to kill dd. Our dd has taken a bath when dirty at the babysitters. If your DS has allergies to particular chemicals and was exposed to these that would be a different story in my mind. But that is just me.

She probably thought it was just harmless fun. Most kids love bath time and like to play and splash and grandma thought it was cute. If it bothers you than I would ask her ot please not bathe him in the future because you have certain routine you like to follow or whatever you want to tell her. As for safety precautions, I don't really know what you mean. If your little one returned home safe and sound then I would't worry too much, especially if she was right there taking pics.


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## RunAround (Feb 12, 2009)

When we are launched into motherhood for the first time, it feels like our new reality, like it's going to be that intense and precious forever. It's only when those babies we henned become real boys and girls that we realize how amazingly fleeting those first months are. It *is* sad when those squishy, chubby baby feet are no longer ours to share in a splashing baby bath. And, since I have no girls, I feel a sadness that I might never be "the trusted grandma". I'll always be the MIL and the one thing I've learned in my years as a parent is that the husband's mother just can't do a single thing right.







No matter what, it's never as good as the new mom's own mama would have done.









I think this thread touches a lot of nerves with those of us who have babies who have long since stopped being babies. We are starting to identify quite a bit with those grandmas (and, sadly, we can't give them back those early years of with our children _either_, years that may have had the cloud of jealousy and perfectionism hanging around).

Motherhood - what a can of emotional worms!


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

I'm in the "I don't get it" camp.

(I'm assuming MIL is a capable woman who is able to focus and care for a baby for several hours)

A midday bath is a lovely way to pass the time with a baby. It's fun for the baby, relaxing and intimate. Don't we want our babies to develop close and loving relationships with the people that love them?

My children are so close to their grandparent and they get so much from their relationships with each of them (reading, golf, magic tricks and poker with Papa; swimming and gardening with Gramps, cooking with Grandma and taking turns sleeping with her when she visits; long talks over oreos (never even on the menu at our house) and milk with my mom. Those relationships started when the children were infants (not the poker, obviously), and they continue to strengthen the children to this day. I know my children are more than safe and happy with their grandparents, and so I try to keep my interference about the minor stuff the grandparents do with the kids to a minimum. They are all (kids, grandparents, etc.) entitled to their own relationships with each other.

All the grandparents in our family are wonderful people. If there were issues with any of them I would, of course, feel differently.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.

Thanks a lot







- now I am sitting here at work with tears in my eyes! This is a great post!!!


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## delphine (Aug 12, 2003)

OK, AverysMomma,
I didn't think you could top your previous post, but your words here are so beautiful.

Thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Oh ladies....







.... I'm glad my post resonated.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Thank you, AverysMomma. I am a puddle as well. *wipes tears*


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Yeah Averysmama-that is such a wonderful testament to being a mama. I have one baby who is going on 3, and one on the way, and EVERY time I look at those pictures of my DD as a baby I get weepy and see her beauty like it's the first time. It really is so hard to believe that it does go so fast.

I am so excited to meet our new little one.







:


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

I totally get where you're coming from. My MIL (GMIL, actually, but functionally MIL since DH's mom died last year - which puts some things in perspective), is a dooooozy. DH and I adopted my daughter from his half-sister, and we've had a very rocky road of making sure that everyone on his side of the family respects ME as dd's mommy. It's hard, for them, for me, for dh. But it's not hard for dd - because we decided at the very beginning of our (unexpected) parenting journey that, like it or not, we ARE sharing our daughter with these people, and that the more loving, involved people in her life the better. The "ownership" issue has been a really really painful part of my own parenting journey, so I really understand. I just think that, for your son's sake, it would be good for you to try, really hard, to get past it. Soon enough, that ownership feeling is going to be challenged, not just by MIL, but by your son himself.

As time has passed I've become a little more comfortable, and a LOT less vocal, with/about the way the ILs do things with dd. I realized that my grousing about the things they did when they kept dd was doing some damage to dh's relationship with them because I was, in effect, making him choose where a choice wasn't really necessary. Sure, there are things that we insist upon, but I try to make them as few as possible so that they _want_ to be involved, so that they don't feel like _I'm_ trying to marginalize _them_. At the end of the day I AM MOMMY and dd comes home to ME.

Now, in regards to the photograph thing, I think you've got a bit of a straw man issue going on here. _You_ have pictures of your son posted on the internet, for all the world to see. Anyone with a bit of techie skill could find you and him. So, the privacy issue is a bit weak imo. It's a decision anyone of us who have made the choice to use blogs to catalog our children's lives have to take seriously. You've clearly made the decision that you posting photos in a public place is not an invasion, and I imagine that MIL has seen those pics and has taken a cue from you on the matter. I think that, yeah, it wouldn't be right for her (or legal, for that matter) to post such pics on a blog of her own without your permission, but she hasn't done that, right? But for her to simply take and keep those photos for herself and you doesn't seem like a real problem.

And nekkid baby pictures are some of the cutest things in the world - I doubt your future adult son would feel violated by that.

Now, I'm off to take dd to MIL's house for the day.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaskyla* 
Me too. I'm already worried about what kind of mothers the girls my sons marry are going to be...& my oldest is only 7!









Count me in on this worry and my son is only 3 years old.


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## applecider (Jul 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
Thank you, AverysMomma. I am a puddle as well. *wipes tears*

Me too!!







Just makes me totally appreciate my mil and the special relationship she has with ds. I can only hope she and ds2 can have the same. She watched ds1 a lot while I was in school. Your post really makes me want to tell her how great she is, even though she is always doing things like changing their clothes, giving treats and stuff like that. DS1 LOVES her!!


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## mclisa (Jul 26, 2004)

Here's my 2 cents:

It sucks to be a working mama.

Here grandma gets to enjoy special moments that you can't.

As long as she is capable of giving a bath correctly, I think she was fine.

How wonderful to see a relationship develop with her grandchild.

I'm sure I will be blasted for this.


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## srs (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.

I used to feel this way sometimes too, but it does get better. This weekend my MIL said "thanks so much for taking such good care of my granddaughter", and not only did it not offend me, I actually took it as the compliment is was intended to be (although I still think it was a weird sentiment and not something I would say). A year ago it would have really bothered me. It gets better and it gets easier to allow others into your child's life.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Did I miss something? The OP is angry at her MIL for giving the baby a bath and dressing him up and taking pictures of it? Really?


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *srs* 
I used to feel this way sometimes too, but it does get better. This weekend my MIL said "thanks so much for taking such good care of my granddaughter", and not only did it not offend me, I actually took it as the compliment is was intended to be (although I still think it was a weird sentiment and not something I would say). A year ago it would have really bothered me. It gets better and it gets easier to allow others into your child's life.

I know my MIL gave me a card for my B-day after DD was born and said thank you for giving us such a beautiful granddaughter. Gosh just thinking about that makes me want to cry, what a lovely compliment.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Both my mom and my mother in law will throw a kid in the tub if they're really grubby or if they've had a particularly smelly diaper. It bothered me at first, but I figure if I trust them to watch the kids, they can be trusted to bathe them.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *feminist~mama* 
I left my 1 month old dd with my mom *for an hour* for the first time ever and came back to find that my mom had left my dd in the swing the ENTIRE TIME! I was totally upset and angry- I rarely used the swing (I felt like it was dd's baby crack- I swear her eyes would glaze over) and my mom knew that. Plus, who wouldn't want to hold and snuggle the baby without mom there to be protective/ take her away/ have the baby wanting mama? My mom cleaned the floors... sigh. Granted, *dd was perfectly happy in the swing*- but still!







My mom wasn't left alone with my dd for another 6-7 years after that!

This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.

When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.

To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Aww thanks a lot Avery's Mom, now I'm sobbing. It just goes by so fast. DS was *just* born yesterday (I swear!) and he's turning 6 this year, going to school in the fall and just becoming all "little boy" - the "baby" is just falling off him. DD, my baby, turned 4 today. I hope to God they marry spouses that understand (and I have the good luck to be alive for that) that when they have babies, I will ache for that chance to snuggle a baby again, and to help in some way to care for them. It'll be like seeing my children reborn. Of course, the baby belongs to the parents, but it will be a gift to see one of the coolest parts of life's cycles and be a part of it.

I'll admit, when I first read this, I though, "Yeah, OK, she's being a control freak." but after hearing more, I have a better understanding. OP it is OK to let go a bit. You will always be the sunshine in your baby's sky. Even if MIL became his full-time care-giver when you were at work, YOU'RE the mama, and babies know that from day one. SAHM, WOHM, it's just something your baby knows.

Also, especially when they're first and so young, it's tough not to have very set ideas about how EVERYTHING should be done - feeding, bathing, sleeping, etc. As they get older, it's OK to loosen up a bit - if your primary deal-breaker goals are in tact (ie nursing, or no CIO, or no spanking - whatever you hold the most dear), let the small stuff go, a little.

Grandparents love to spoil their grandkids. I grew up with a really strict German mom. She was so rigid with me, with rules, expectations, etc. She was a really good mom, but just, well, kind of a hard-ass







Now she is the rocking Oma to my kiddos. She plays, really gets down on the floor and PLAYS with them (and I don't like that quite as much - I could be better in that area.) She always brings over some kind of treat, and that used to drive me nuts (our diet, while not extreme, is mostly very healthful.)

But I was thinking about going to visit my grandparents in Germany when I was little and I used to get to stay with them (apartment, parents stayed in a nearby hotel.) Man, that was the COOLEST!!! My Opa used to take me to a little village market and literally let me fill the cart with whatever sweets I wanted. They spoiled me rotten. And it was awesome!!!!







: (think about the joy that brings an 8 year old!!) I have such fun memories, and I think of that "grandparent" privilege when I get a bit irritated if mom shows up with (yet another) treat.

I think it's worth it to let grandparents take some liberties, and spoil our kids a bit. My kids light up when Oma walks in. I want them to have those memories. Yeah, some days I'm "mommy-no" and she gets to be the rock-star, but that's OK. It's not about me, it's about them.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

AverysMomma, that was such a beautiful post. It made me teary-eyed as well. I hope I have a daughter-in-law as wonderful and as understanding as you one day!!

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did. It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) *We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did.* It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.

Okay, now I'm crying too....what a lovely story. I am almost ashamed to admit that it would totally throw me for a loop if a stranger asked to hold DD...but oh man I'm so glad you said yes...what a wonderful gift to be able to give!! How perfect and wonderful...oh oh oh!!!







:







:


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.

When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.

To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.

Yeah, I agree. You should call her and apologize.

My mom's tons of fun, and comes up with all kinds of games w/the kids, but she would definitely stick the baby in the swing so she could do some work for me - her reasoning would be that by saving _me_ work _I_ would have more time to relax and hold the baby.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

AverysMomma,







Beautiful posts, thank you.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
Yeah, I agree. You should call her and apologize.

My mom's tons of fun, and comes up with all kinds of games w/the kids, but she would definitely stick the baby in the swing so she could do some work for me - her reasoning would be that by saving _me_ work _I_ would have more time to relax and hold the baby.


I agree. She definitely deserves and apology...and then some. How sad.


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## vivvysue (Feb 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
AverysMomma, that was such a beautiful post. It made me teary-eyed as well. I hope I have a daughter-in-law as wonderful and as understanding as you one day!!

Your post reminded me of a time when my ds3 was tiny. We'd gone out to eat at a local restaurant and some older lady asked to hold him (we didn't know her.) We said "yes" and to this day am SO happy that we did. It was such a blessing to watch her with my babe. She stood there, rocking him gently in her arms and smoothing back his hair as she sang softly to him....you could just tell she was remembering her days as a mama of a little babe. It *still* makes me smile every time I think of it.

I hope someone is as kind to me when my arms ache for a little one to hold.










that was a beautiful story,

this thread has brought back so many memories, both embarassing and nostalgic... :happysigh i love being a mom

v


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

AveryMomma's your posts are so beautiful







. My first baby is 17 so I think alot about these issues, I hope that any DIL I have one day will forgive me if I am overbearing.

Shay


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 
and










Your MIL sounds like my mom.

At first, my husband couldn't understand how excited she was about little things like giving a bath. It was sort of an issue as he would get annoyed with her.

Then I realized, sadly, that he never saw such unrestrainted parent/grandparent child love before and that was why he thought all the little things like sharing a bath time, getting the first hug thru the door, having a pj cuddle, etc. were unnecessary for a grandparent.

OMG - who wouldn't just love a fresh washed baby-in-their-pjs cuddle?!?!

As time has gone by, he now "gets" it and is happy our DS has a close relationship with my mom.

I have a close friend whose in-laws and two sets of great-grandparents are over the moon about their grandkids. She also didn't come from an outwardly loving family and she is constantly annoyed by the grandparent's and great-grandparent's desires to just be with the grandkids.

This was helpful. I'm always mystified by how outraged people get by family members being close to their kids. I don't get why a grandparent can't bathe, dress and take pictures. Mine always did....and I guess that's the ticket. Close families are totally in my comfort zone. Really, if I was watching anyone's child it would not occur to me to get permission or protocals before bathing a mussed child.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

oh, averysmomma.
my goodness. you have a beautiful way with words. and such wisdom.
and operamommy. what a moving story.
i've cried twice reading this thread. this is MDC at it's best, ya'll.
thank you. im sure my MIL would thank you, too.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

WRT the swing/ floor-cleaning story, it's so odd that there must be more to it which the poster didn't have time to go into. So let's not jump all over that one.

Averysmomma, that's a great post! Thank you. And you too operamommy.


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## coffee.caugh (Apr 9, 2009)

averysmom that was outstanding. and may i add that i think that can go for our own mothers, too.

i have seen the saddness coupled with the joy of my own mother looking at my baby and i have to dig deep to find the sympathy sometimes when she's seemingly going out of her way to give me too much advice or wanting to comfort him when he cries because hey that is MY job, he is _my baby_ to comfort.

but like you said she had those some feelings towards her babies and i'm sure having her grandkids within reach when they are upset evokes the same feelings.. so i need to learn not to get so bent out of shape.

op i can understand where you are coming from, i feel a strong sense of jealousy when anyone other than myself or dh can do something "parental" (like bathing) with our baby. though nothing like that has happened, i think i could feel the same as you do just i probably wouldn't think to make it an issue because the bath didn't hurt or kill him and the new clothes.. well i know my baby gets anywhere from 1-3 different outfits a day right now due to spit up or messy meals so i don't think that would've crossed my radar as boundary crossing.

and lastly, since becoming part of the mothering world (not this community







) i have the strongest of urges to mother.. anyone who needs mothering. i have become way more into feeding people from my home, making things for people i love, giving soothing words when i can, being an overall kinder, more gentle person has all stemmed from me becoming a mother. i see babies/kids in the park and i want to give them cheers when they do a cool jump off a swing or i hear them telling a story from school i want to tell them how interesting i think that is.

i think a bath and some new clothes is a drop in the bucket of things we should choose to have a beef with.

gl to you


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

OP, I do NOT think you are "over reacting". I think the feelings you have are completely normal, based on the circumstances and age of your child.

I went back to work when dd was 5 months old. I'd see a photo that her dad took while I was at work and she had on clothes that I hadn't purchased. (Her dad and I were separated and on very rocky terms). I always sent extra clothes for my baby to wear and it made me feel left out of dd's life some how. _Why weren't the clothes I sent good enough?_ It also made me mad, thinking that they saw dd as a baby doll to play dress up with. _She is a person, not a doll to play dress up with._

Every so often, I'd get dd after work and her hair smelled heavenly--she had been given a bath. I immediately felt jealousy and anger. _Why did they bathe my baby? *I* can do that. *I'm* her mother. That's *my* job._

It hurt. Small things like that just plain hurt. Made me want to cry. It hurt because I wasn't there. I didn't get to see her have fun in the tub. I didn't get to share in that moment. Someone else did. That's why it hurt.

Sometimes I felt like a failure of a mother somehow. Perhaps because I wasn't able to stay home with her--or because my clothes weren't good enough, etc. Sometimes I felt that I shouldn't be her mother _at all_, since everyone else can replace me so easily--which lead to more depression. (I was already depressed and was dealing with PTSD (birth trauma).

I'd say, I had those feelings for a couple of months or so. I never said anything to anyone, because I knew that although my feelings were real--I knew that it was something that I would have to get over. And I did. I still have moments of jealousy--but usually for major events like holidays and stuff....big stuff that I miss because of work. But it gets easier.

So. Although most responses have been "you're completely over reacting", please know that the feelings you have, IMO, are completely normal. And you will get past them in time. When you want so badly to stay home with your baby and your can't, it is hard to let go of the dream.









Until you work past the feelings, please don't say things to MIL that you may regret. Don't stone her for bathing/dressing your baby. I would perhaps have a heart to heart discussion with her and tell her your feelings--like a MIL-DIL heart-to-heart talk. I'm sure she would understand the way you feel--but don't take the small joys away from her.

You'll be okay


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 
OP, I do NOT think you are "over reacting". I think the feelings you have are completely normal, based on the circumstances and age of your child.

I went back to work when dd was 5 months old. I'd see a photo that her dad took while I was at work and she had on clothes that I hadn't purchased. (Her dad and I were separated and on very rocky terms). I always sent extra clothes for my baby to wear and it made me feel left out of dd's life some how. _Why weren't the clothes I sent good enough?_ It also made me mad, thinking that they saw dd as a baby doll to play dress up with. _She is a person, not a doll to play dress up with._

Every so often, I'd get dd after work and her hair smelled heavenly--she had been given a bath. I immediately felt jealousy and anger. _Why did they bathe my baby? *I* can do that. *I'm* her mother. That's *my* job._

It hurt. Small things like that just plain hurt. Made me want to cry. It hurt because I wasn't there. I didn't get to see her have fun in the tub. I didn't get to share in that moment. Someone else did. That's why it hurt.

Sometimes I felt like a failure of a mother somehow. Perhaps because I wasn't able to stay home with her--or because my clothes weren't good enough, etc. Sometimes I felt that I shouldn't be her mother _at all_, since everyone else can replace me so easily--which lead to more depression. (I was already depressed and was dealing with PTSD (birth trauma).

I'd say, I had those feelings for a couple of months or so. I never said anything to anyone, because I knew that although my feelings were real--I knew that it was something that I would have to get over. And I did. I still have moments of jealousy--but usually for major events like holidays and stuff....big stuff that I miss because of work. But it gets easier.

So. Although most responses have been "you're completely over reacting", please know that the feelings you have, IMO, are completely normal. And you will get past them in time. When you want so badly to stay home with your baby and your can't, it is hard to let go of the dream.









Until you work past the feelings, please don't say things to MIL that you may regret. Don't stone her for bathing/dressing your baby. I would perhaps have a heart to heart discussion with her and tell her your feelings--like a MIL-DIL heart-to-heart talk. I'm sure she would understand the way you feel--but don't take the small joys away from her.

You'll be okay










WOW! That was an Awesome post! Exactly what I was trying to say!!!

I wanted to add this. We at MDC are VERY assertive when it comes to a momma following her intuition. Her gut feelings, and what not. This momma says that there is a lot more to this whole situation with MIL than she's telling us (the DH and MIL relationship particularly) and if that's the case, couldn't her intuition be telling her that MIL is doing something that isn't quite right? Maybe she is picking up on something deeper that's going on here. MIL isn't the one that normally watches the baby, OP's dad does, and there fore it's a "trust" issue? It seems to me that OP _COULD_ be getting some of those all powerfull mommy vibes that are warning her that something is isn't right. I'm just saying that we seem to be SO quick to judge based on the little details "MIL bathed baby and dressed him up like a doll and I don't like it" and maybe we are missing somthing bigger? Just wondering....


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## ~pi (May 4, 2005)

OP. It sounds like you really miss your baby during the day. I can completely see how that plus previous interactions with a, "self-proclaimed selfish granny," would colour your views here.

It also sounds like you were partly just really surprised about the bath. I would think that a little odd, too, but we don't give baths every night, so it wouldn't occur to me to give a baby a bath 'just because.'

I will offer the perspective that for me, one of the most unexpected joys of parenting has been watching my son (now coming up on 3 y.o.) develop wonderful relationships with all of his grandparents, especially as he got older, recognized them consistently, and started to talk. It is such a beautiful thing for him to have all these people in his life who love him so much.

Not all of the grandparents do everything the way I would do it. One of them is an unusually oblivious, self-centred person (see above about my understanding the 'selfish granny' thing!) so sometimes I find myself biting my tongue a little, but overall, it is so worth it IMHO.

Also, FWIW, as a WOHM, two things:

1) I love to see my DS developing strong attachments to his daytime caregivers. I would be over the moon if one of them were a grandparent who would be in his life long-term.

2) No matter what anyone else does with your baby while you are at work, you will always be mama and will therefore always hold that place of primary importance in his life.








I hope you can figure out how to address this in a way that works for you.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~pi* 

2) No matter what anyone else does with your baby while you are at work, you will always be mama and will therefore always hold that place of primary importance in his life.


This is SO true!!


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kryztuh* 
Overall, you're right, this isn't the end of the world and she's only watching him for a few days. And it's not worth getting stressed out over. Sometimes I just feel like DH's family treats me like an incubator/milk factory and that's it. Need to think about it some more.

Didn't read the whole thread, so I may be way late on this...

I think your comment here is the crux of the matter! This was how FIL and MIL treated me after DS1 was born, and it really bothered me that they assumed they had rights to take DS1 and do whatever they wanted with him. (e.g., lots of little things, like they always called him "*my* grandson" with the emphasis on "my" and did not call him by his name or call him "your son"...). Little things that conveyed their attitude of having "ownership rights" to DS1 brought out an unreasonably strong mama-bear instinct in me. It made me angry, and at times I would tell them they were out of line. But from the perspective of an outsider, my ILs look awesome, and in may ways they are. However, especially at the beginning of motherhood for me, their subtle ways of taking over from me without asking, and making comments that devalue my parenting choices - my existence even - made a once-great relationship with them into a just OK relationship now. (e.g., They were telling DS1 "Poor grandson, your mom won't let you have any chocolate pie..." at the Christmas dinner I hosted, when DS1 was 5 months old and exclusively nursing. A minor comment in some people's eyes, but one of many subtle "I would be better to you than your mommy" messages, because they DID feed choco pie to DH when he was that age.) So I can see how your feelings might be erupting from the same sort of background that I had with my ILs. If so, you're not crazy for feeling the way you do! I could go on and on about having similar experiences for the past five years!!!

Also, for me, I know it's not a matter of being overprotective in general. I have a nanny watch my kids while I WAH P/T, and feel totally OK with her doing things with my kids that I won't let the ILs do. I think it's because she doesn't act like she has a right to "own" them and defers to my parenting choices.

If it were me, I wouldn't let MIL watch DS for any substantial period of time until I felt like she was able to respect me as the mother and my parenting style choices. It's not good to have an undermining influence when you are a new mother. I wouldn't say anything to MIL, except "no thanks - we've got it covered" when she offered to watch DS. But that's my style and everyone's is different...

ETA: I read more PPs, who say you should let go and let MIL have her time with DS. I agree to a point... but I think it takes time, and it sounds like you need to her to better recognize your place as mother, and then it will be easier for you to confidently allow her to baby her grandson when she's with him. You can't just turn off those feelings overnight!


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## sewcool (Jan 25, 2009)

wouldent bother me at all, one less bath time i have to do and id be glad they played together too.


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## Mymble (Jan 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yarngoddess* 
I wanted to add this. We at MDC are VERY assertive when it comes to a momma following her intuition. Her gut feelings, and what not. This momma says that there is a lot more to this whole situation with MIL than she's telling us (the DH and MIL relationship particularly) and if that's the case, couldn't her intuition be telling her that MIL is doing something that isn't quite right? Maybe she is picking up on something deeper that's going on here. MIL isn't the one that normally watches the baby, OP's dad does, and there fore it's a "trust" issue? It seems to me that OP _COULD_ be getting some of those all powerfull mommy vibes that are warning her that something is isn't right. I'm just saying that we seem to be SO quick to judge based on the little details "MIL bathed baby and dressed him up like a doll and I don't like it" and maybe we are missing somthing bigger? Just wondering....









:

I have been thinking about some of the things that made me uncomfortable early on, and if I'd complained about them here I'd have gotten the same reaction as the OP. You'd (almost) all have been saying I was overprotective and needed to back off and let MIL have her way.

But in my case, my gut was telling me something that turned out to be true. Not only did my MIL's behavior get more and more...weird...but more details began to surface about the extent of the abuse she'd inflicted on her own kids, AND I found out about a lot of things she'd done with her earlier grandchild which caused serious problems in my SIL's household (culminating in the other granddaughter being a full-blown bulimic by the age of 7. SEVEN. And no, that's not all from what the grandma did, it's also because the mama is pretty screwed up from being abused. why she let her mom have the kid so much is beyond me, but...)

I am glad that I tried very hard, I am glad that I never did anything to poison DD against her. I feel empathy for the woman, absolutely. BUT I am so glad that I listened to my instincts and never let her into DD's life to the extent she wanted, so she could "co-parent" (that's not an assumption on my part, that what she said she expected to do when "her baby" was born.) I let her hold DD, I let her spend time with her, but I simply politely dragged my heels on the issues I wasn't comfortable with...and thank goodness I did. Now that DH has worked through his issues -- at least enough to deal with her with no stress or tension -- we're able to see her and let her have a relationship with DD while being able to ensure that no harm comes to DD. But she'll never be unsupervised with her or allowed input into any decisions. As far as I'm concerned, if you massively screw up 3 kids and a grandkid, you are beyond done and you do not get a whack at mine.

The OP clearly IS trying to trust her MIL. While she's isn't totally forthcoming on the details, there are obviously serious trust issues there that involve not just her, but her DH -- the woman's own son. But she took a leap of faith and entrusted her 5-month old to the MIL for a full day. And found herself feeling disrespected and blindsided. Sure, the actual behavior was innocuous, but I can understand her feelings.


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

I think some of you are making a LOT of assumptions here not based on anything that the OP actually SAID. I'd stop projecting your own issues onto this person's situation and try to be objective.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I think some of you are making a LOT of assumptions here not based on anything that the OP actually SAID. I'd stop projecting your own issues onto this person's situation and try to be objective.

OK for you. But I decided I _wanted_ to make a LOT of assumptions (called reading between the lines...) and project my own issues onto her situation. If I guessed wrong, OP can ignore my post. If I am right, maybe she'll find a little sisterhood here.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I think some of you are making a LOT of assumptions here not based on anything that the OP actually SAID. I'd stop projecting your own issues onto this person's situation and try to be objective.

All we have is our experiences from which to speak. That's the point of these forums, right? Shared experiences, shared wisdom. The OP asked whether or not she was "making a mountain out of a molehill" and PPs answered with their opinions based on their similar experiences. Objectivity is a myth.

I certainly don't want to heap more bad feeling onto the OP. I think what she's experiencing is something than many many mothers experience. And it's yucky and tough and murky. No, we're not there with her, but the best we can do is help from our subjective points of view.


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## Mymble (Jan 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BoringTales* 
I think some of you are making a LOT of assumptions here not based on anything that the OP actually SAID. I'd stop projecting your own issues onto this person's situation and try to be objective.

That could apply to the pro-MIL camp just as easily, you know -- ALL OF US are making assumptions. Some of us are _assuming_ that this MIL was a loving mother and is a perfectly great grandma and that the OP is overreacting. Some of us are _assuming_ that the trouble goes deeper than the obvious. None of us know her or know exactly what the situation is. She asked for perspectives and she got several, and I think that's supposed to be part of what MDC's about, is it not?


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## mamabird83 (Nov 26, 2008)

Oh AverysMomma! What a voice and what wisdom! Your writing is so touching!


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mymble* 
That could apply to the pro-MIL camp just as easily, you know -- ALL OF US are making assumptions. Some of us are _assuming_ that this MIL was a loving mother and is a perfectly great grandma and that the OP is overreacting. Some of us are _assuming_ that the trouble goes deeper than the obvious. None of us know her or know exactly what the situation is. She asked for perspectives and she got several, and I think that's supposed to be part of what MDC's about, is it not?

No, some of us are reading what she's actually writing and going off of that. I just I did assume that when asking for opinions she gave the necessary relevant information.

I'm one that doesn't get the whole 'thing' with MIL and DIL's though, I guess. I mean, I've certainly experienced some of those feelings, but hope that I'm rational enough not to blow things out of proportion.

There's 'intuition' and then there is being an overly sensitive new mother. Its hard to distinguish between the two when you are in the thick of it.

Seems to me if there are underlying issues here its on the part of the OP and her not wanting to be working away from her child.


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

:

My only concern would be safety. In our family we would all love a break so would welcome any help if the gandparents were able, but my mom does not want to try, for fear that she is not able, and she would make a careless mistake that could be harmfull. Do not even mention my dad. On dad's side, they are not physically able.

I hear a power struggle.

I


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
Honey, I have a ten month old, I totally get the mamabear feelings...I understand why it bugged you...but I think you need to remember something about grandmas:

They are women, mothers, just like you. She held her baby, rocked him and hummed softly. She felt that same mama bear instinct that made her worry endlessly about your DH when he was tiny. All those special moments you love and the things about your new life as a mother that you would never trade...even on the hardest day of mothering...she had that, she has come alllll the way through that, to the other side. To watching her baby, with a baby. Think about how happy it makes you to bath your DS. Think about the fact that soon all his beautiful fat will melt away. His body will become the wiry, hard body of a little boy child and he will still be beautiful to you always...but he;ll never be a baby again...you'll never get to squish his slippery fat body in a tub again. That's sad to think about, isn't it?

Now....imagine your DS is allll grown up. The years and years have passed and he's grown into such a fine man and has a new best girl in his life...and then he marries her and they have a BABY BOY!!! "WHAT LUCK!" you would say to yourself "My baby grandson...squishy, fatty little baby, I remember how this felt...oh, this feels good!" - can you imagine. Rediscovering the joy in that experience, after losing it for so many decades? You would be in your bliss!

It's hard to remember how it feels not being around a baby, after you have your baby. But, in a whirl of years it all passes. And we look back and say "Where did it go?" - you are in your prime. This is your new budding family at it's finest...having a baby in the house is the luckiest, lovingest, cutest, most positive time in a famiy's life. Let her enjoy this time with you....I know, she sucks. She dresses him in new clothes and all of that. Just let her live this again, touching that squishy baby. And as for you....I know how absolutely







awful it is to have to sit at work and miss him. But he's being loved...and it's about him. If you are at work and unavailable to enjoy yourself with him...she may as well be, right?















Let her do her thing, one day you will look at your grandkids and you will begin to relive with them those precious years from far past and you'll be so glad for your DIL, when she is kind to you and humors an old woman with a crush on her baby.











As a mother of two boys and future mil, I am deeply moved by this post and your following post.
I agree that it so hard to step outside ourselves sometimes and to see past circumstances or our own feelings. But when we do we can start to truly see people, sometimes for the first time.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I think you are overreacting, yes. But I think it's coming from a place of wanting to be with your baby and wanting to do these things yourself.


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## feminist~mama (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
This isn't the OP, but it speaks to our DIL vs. MIL (or mother) issues. She cleaned your floors and you thank her with keeping her granddaughter from her care for 6-7 YEARS???? Wow. Now would be a good time to call her and apologize for that.

When my dd1 was born, my best friend's mom (my own mom died when I was a kid) came to the hospital (a five hour drive) in the middle of the night and sat in the hall, coming in only after dd was born and a nurse let me know someone was waiting outside for us. Other than me and dp, she was the first person to hold dd. Then she went to my house. When we arrived the next day, bringing dd home for the first time, now a FAMILY of three, with videocamera rolling we walked into our house. First thing I say - on tape for all eternity - "Marty, she cleaned the floors!" I was so thrilled. We had cats and I'd been very pregnant and it was bright summer and you could tell the floors were in need of attention.

To put the baby somewhere she is happy and safe in order to clean your floors - I'd be grateful for the help. Some here would complain that their mother or MIL hogged the baby and did nothing to help. Yours did something to help and you persecuted her for it. That is really sad.

Oh no! My mom cleaned her *own* floors- we were visiting her!

And just to clarify further:

We live a few hundred miles from my mom, so the opportunities for her to be alone with my dd are rather few and far between anyway. I go to visit her with my kiddo or she comes here and we all spend time together. After that very early experience with my mom caring for my dd I decided that it would be time *together* as opposed to break time for mama. It wasn't ever a big issue, my mom never really pushed for time alone with my kiddo.


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## Spirit Dancer (Dec 11, 2006)

It must be very difficult to be away from you baby. hugs:

But honestly I think you are way overreacting. She did what most normal grandmas do. Good luck and again hugs.


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Who doesn't want to see a baby splashing in the water.

It's just too fun!

That's all she did. No biggie. I wouldn't even say anything.

In the whole scheme of things - it doesn't matter.


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

You are definately making a mountain out of a mole hill. It has been a long time since she had a baby to dress and bathe. Giving a baby a bath is fun! They are wet and cute and smiley. I don't see this as a boundry issue and think it is a bit strange that you feel she was invading your sons privacy. I am a very paranoid mama, but this to me is just over reacting.
Would you rather her ignore him while she is tending him?


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

/>I'm with Avery's Mom. Let it go and put yourself in grandma's shoes.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Oh mama, I know that hurt.









Quote:

OP, I do NOT think you are "over reacting". I think the feelings you have are completely normal, based on the circumstances and age of your child.

I went back to work when dd was 5 months old. I'd see a photo that her dad took while I was at work and she had on clothes that I hadn't purchased. (Her dad and I were separated and on very rocky terms). I always sent extra clothes for my baby to wear and it made me feel left out of dd's life some how. Why weren't the clothes I sent good enough? It also made me mad, thinking that they saw dd as a baby doll to play dress up with. She is a person, not a doll to play dress up with.

Every so often, I'd get dd after work and her hair smelled heavenly--she had been given a bath. I immediately felt jealousy and anger. Why did they bathe my baby? I can do that. I'm her mother. That's my job.

It hurt. Small things like that just plain hurt. Made me want to cry. It hurt because I wasn't there. I didn't get to see her have fun in the tub. I didn't get to share in that moment. Someone else did. That's why it hurt.

Sometimes I felt like a failure of a mother somehow. Perhaps because I wasn't able to stay home with her--or because my clothes weren't good enough, etc. Sometimes I felt that I shouldn't be her mother at all, since everyone else can replace me so easily--which lead to more depression. (I was already depressed and was dealing with PTSD (birth trauma).

I'd say, I had those feelings for a couple of months or so. I never said anything to anyone, because I knew that although my feelings were real--I knew that it was something that I would have to get over. And I did. I still have moments of jealousy--but usually for major events like holidays and stuff....big stuff that I miss because of work. But it gets easier.

So. Although most responses have been "you're completely over reacting", please know that the feelings you have, IMO, are completely normal. And you will get past them in time. When you want so badly to stay home with your baby and your can't, it is hard to let go of the dream.

Until you work past the feelings, please don't say things to MIL that you may regret. Don't stone her for bathing/dressing your baby. I would perhaps have a heart to heart discussion with her and tell her your feelings--like a MIL-DIL heart-to-heart talk. I'm sure she would understand the way you feel--but don't take the small joys away from her.

You'll be okay
I just so totally and completely agree with this. I'm a single mama too, and the feelings, the absolute hormonal, gut feelings that come out from being separated from a young child - well, IME they often have no rationalization.


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