# Destructive behavior for attention...ideas?



## gardenmom (Apr 9, 2003)

LONG, sorry.....I need ideas. I am at the end of my rope. DD (2.5yo) is generally happy and content, but lately, excels at pushing my and dh's buttons for entertainment









Tonight's scenario: DD and I were sitting down to dinner, she looks at me and chucks her fork on the floor, splattering tomato sauce everywhere, then she smiles about it. I can tell from experience (this is a daily dinner event) that the bowl of pasta and sauce is next, then her bowl of green beans will follow that. Usually we tell her that it's not nice to make people clean up after her or something to that effect, and take some of the food away but give it back later. But I'm just sick of it...

So I took it all away, somewhat angry but holding myself together--as I'm clearing her food and explaining why she just lost her chance at dinner, she chucks her sippy cup on the floor. I then put her outside the kitchen, with the gate up, so I could eat.

She then proceeded to cry and yell at me from the gate, demanding her water, demanding tissues, etc. I got her a tissue and sat at the gate trying to discuss and ask her if she understood why, that if she decided she could calm down and eat without throwing her food that I would reconsider, etc. All for naught...

After I finished my dinner, I took the gate down and let her in the kitchen, and she proceeded to start pulling her magnetic letters off the fridge and chuck them into the sink while I did the dishes. I asked her to stop and then threatened that they would be thrown away if she threw any more. I had to follow through, so they are all sitting outside now, in a plastic bag next to the garbage (I made sure she knew why and where they went). She now has no more fridge magnets or toys within her reach.

While I write this, she has been sitting next to me, and shredded a catalog into about 200 pieces of paper (with both hands and her teeth), trying to get a rise out of me. Now that I'm almost done typing and she did not succeed in getting any attention, she has finally returned to her nearly normal, friendly self.

Anyhow...tonight is worse because she is sick, but I don't really even know where to start making this better. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Please help me.


----------



## Sahara (Nov 28, 2001)

Mama, you sound tired!
It sounds like you are really trying to make some logical consequences for your daugthers undesirable behaviors, but you are fed up at the same time and your anger comes through.
I know you can only spend so much time looking for what's causing the behavior you are trying to work with, but is there something going on at dinner time? Do you and your DH keep her engaged during the dinner discussion, or talk amongst yourselves while she listens? I'm just wondering if she's using negative means to get your attention because she hasn't figured out a positive way to be invovled with what's going on. Or is she reacting to some other dinnertime stresses?
Either way, I thought the decision to take the magnets off the fridge made a lot of sense, she just may not be ready to have them up. Maybe instead of threatening to throw them away you could tell her that she's not treating her magnets nicely and you'll put them in your closet in a bag for a few weeks and then she can try again. I've thrown away a few toys myself in similar situations, and I always ended up feeling badly because I don't want to teach my kids to waste good things.
She's a little young,(or can you ever start reading discipline books too soon?!?) but two of my favorite parenting books are 'Kids are Worth It' by Barbara Coloraso, and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles, by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. They both talk through scenarios something like what you described, and teach a pretty repsectful approach to discipline.
Good luck!
Stephanie


----------



## gardenmom (Apr 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sahara*
Mama, you sound tired!
It sounds like you are really trying to make some logical consequences for your daugthers undesirable behaviors, but you are fed up at the same time and your anger comes through.

My anger is definitely coming through, and it is not helping things. I have to admit that I do raise my voice too often, and sometimes yell or say things that are not great.







: I have been trying to do better, and trying to tone it down and stay calm. This week I have made some real progress on managing my own behavior, which will help in the long run.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sahara*
...is there something going on at dinner time? Do you and your DH keep her engaged during the dinner discussion, or talk amongst yourselves while she listens? I'm just wondering if she's using negative means to get your attention because she hasn't figured out a positive way to be invovled with what's going on.

You've hit on something here...no doubt about it, now that you bring it up. DH has been getting home after 7pm. We eat, and then he passes out from exhaustion, usually before dd even goes to bed. The only time I get to talk to him is at dinner time, and she is getting short changed. Funny thing is that he wasn't here tonight when we ate, so the dynamic wasn't there, and she was worse than usual...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sahara*
Either way, I thought the decision to take the magnets off the fridge made a lot of sense, she just may not be ready to have them up.

We've had ongoing issues with these magnets...it seems like her target of choice when she is frustrated...usually she just throws all of them onto the floor, though. She also started working on the new photos our friend had sent us, in those magnetized frames, so those got moved up too high for her now. I didn't chuck them, but I put them outside by the garbage bags so she thinks I did. I will probably put them away "forever" and either give them away or save them until she has a sibling who will enjoy them, and the issue has been long forgotten.

Thanks for the book suggestions...I need to do some reading (when, I don't know???) and am looking for ideas. Honestly, I think I need to get a mother's helper or somebody else to spend a few hours like 2x a week with dd so we can get a break from each other. I am way too tired and feel like the 24 hour babysitter lately. When I am with her, I do not have the energy to just sit and focus on her 100% like I feel I should at least a few times a day, you know? I spend every spare moment 'doing' something and never feel like I get a break.

It helps just to write all this down, too...thanks for responding, I appreciate it.


----------



## Sahara (Nov 28, 2001)

A mother's helper is a GREAT idea. Someone fun who gives your DD some creative, undivided attention could really work for both of you!
She may just be used to using negative behavior to get your attention around dinnertime, regardless of other dynamics. I know my oldest always has his worst moments at that time of day, too. They get tired and run down and hungry and grumpy, only they haven't always learned how to be 'civil' with their feelings.
I'm still laughing about the magnets, because I had the same EXACT situation with my DS. I thought, how charming, I'll write his name, and his sister's name and so on, he'll learn the alphabet in a fun way etc... They got chewed on and dunked in the sink and wiped off the fridge and shoved under the fridge, I finally gave up too.
Take care,
Steph


----------



## mamamillie (Jul 22, 2003)

Hi, gardenmom,
I agree that it should be helpful to include everyone in dinnertime conversation. I know you know how bad it feels to be left out of the loop, right? Ask dada how his day was, have dada ask her how her day was...everyone should share in the dinner conversation! I wouldn't tell her it isn't nice to make people clean up after her....toddlers do need a mama to clean up after them! We should try to do it joyfully; it is our job. I would remove the food if it was being thrown, but not as a punishment. If they are throwing their dinner, then they are obviously done with it. In our case, I would say "You are done w your spaghetti, huh?" take it away, then ask if he wanted something else. He could then stay or get down.
Mother's helpers have been a blessing for me...we have had two teenage girls who have wound up being special friends for ds and they have more energy for playing and I can get some sewing or whatever done.
But I do try to remember that I don't have to get things done all the time. It is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT for me to be with my child when he needs me and to give him focused attention and help him to feel my love than to wash the dishes immediately after dinner. When we put them off continually, they begin to think that the computer or the dishes or the laundry or the telephone or whatever is more important than they are and when they start to feel this way their behaviors will deteriorate. (2.5 btw, is plenty old enough to stand next to you and "help" wash dishes). You do need to get on the floor and play and give your child focused attention everyday. They need eye contact and positive, focused attention much more than they need our "I love you"s. It really seems like your child is begging you for your attention and you are putting her off to ask here what to do about it. I am sorry, I am not meaning to be harsh! But the answer to her need for attention is to give her some.


----------



## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

Toddlers don't 'misbehave' to get attention. Remember, your child is only 2 and you are the adult. You are responsible for your anger and your behavior. How can you expect a 2 year old to conform to your expectations if you are not able to control your own behavior.

Simplify your life. Learn ways to manage your stress. Learn ways to minimize your toddler's stress. Be proactive. Lighten up. Lower your expectations for your child and raise your expectations for yourself. Childproof. Organize your household so that you can minimize the number of times you say NO. Go online a search for things written by Selma Fraiberg or Elizabeth Crary (these are wise old gals that know a lot about toddlers).


----------



## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

My 27 month old does most of those same things on a daily basis ... but I guess I just have a different outlook on it. I think it's pretty normal toddler behavior, esp when something is out of whack or he needs my attention.









I usually will just move the magents out of his reach temporarily, while saying something like "let's not make a mess on the floor, let's do ____ instead"

As far as throwing food, well he has not done that in forever b/c it didn't get a reaction out of me. If he does drop or throw something, I put it away and figure he wasn't really hungry anyway. But I don't make a big deal or get mad.

I've found that whatever DOES get a reaction out of me will be the very first thing he'll do to try and get attention. Almost always it's because I've been on the phone a long time, or he needs to get out and play. They are just toddlers and don't misbehave to piss you off, they do it b/c they need something, IMO.








s mama. Try to relax, realize this is pretty normal toddler behavior and maybe a different outlook/reaction to her antics will help things. I find the less of a deal I make about things, the less likely he is to do it again.

If I let that kind of stuff bother me, we'd be battling eachother all day long. Instead I choose to pick my battles and only clash when it really matters ... like getting into the carseat or something. Maybe a little break would do you some good, could your dh spend some time with her and let you get away and do something for yourself? I also find my ds acts much better if I can give him lots of positive interaction with me ... like instead of ignoring him while I cook dinner, let him stand on a stool and help me. Sure, it makes things go slower and messier ... but it also cuts out most of the bad, attention getting behavior as well.

Hope I've helped you realize, if nothing else, this is pretty normal toddler stuff, it's all in how you view and handle it. Hang in there.


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Both my kids systematically removed and tossed every magnet off the fridge on a daily basis. I never thought too much of it. All my mama friends have fridge magnets all over their kitchen floors too.

Are you sure she is doing these things to get a rise out of you? That seems like a very adult interpretation of childish motives. Maybe she is just doing what 2 year olds do?

Every two year old I have ever dealt with threw cups and food on the floor. Not fun, for sure. But normal.

I learned pretty quick not to put more than 3 bites at a time in front of my toddler. If he ate them, I assumed he was hungry and I kept the bites coming. If he threw them -- then I assumed he was done and got him down... but didn't make it into a fight.

For the magnets -- I saved a coffee can for him. He loved that when he chucked the magnets into the can it made a clinky sound. When he was done, we'd put them away in the can and set it on a shelf he could reach for next time.


----------



## MomInFlux (Oct 23, 2003)

You've gotten some good advice already, but I had one thought when I read your posts and thought I'd throw it into the mix. Depending on your DD's nap schedule, 7 pm is awfully late to be eating dinner. If dinner time goes past 6 o'clock at my house, I know it, because DS's behavior deteriorates the later it gets. I'm lucky to get him to stay at the table or eat anything, just because he's so tired (manifested by hyper, attention-getting behavior). If we manage to hit dinner at 5:00 or 5:30, he'll sit at the table and eat everything in front of him. We've found that we sometimes have to sacrifice the "family dinner", just so that we meet DS's needs for an earlier meal time. HTH!


----------



## gardenmom (Apr 9, 2003)

I just wanted to say thank you for the constructive comments. It turned out that dd was on the way to becoming quite sick (fever, congestion, etc. for several days) and I should have recognized that these really dismal outbursts always seem to precede a sickness of some kind or other, so that was part of the problem. Also I think we're just getting cabin fever at the end of winter, too.

We are working on modifying our behavior, and trying to understand hers, and help her cope with her feelings. Some of this is 'normal' spirited 2yo behavior, and I honestly feel that some of her behavior is a bit excessive (she bites everything in sight) and may be due to some other factor, which we're trying to figure out.

I really need to get her iron checked to see if she's anemic (has been in the past), have a dentist check her teeth, and dh and I are discussing whether she is having real difficulty in communicating her feelings to us, or whether it is just typical toddler behavior that we're seeing. We may have early intervention come to do an evaluation but haven't decided yet whether we want to go that route or not. I will also check out some of the authors mentioned here and by other Moms, and do some reading, which should be helpful.

As far as the schedule suggestion, MomInFlux, I don't think that's an issue because dd's whole schedule is adjusted down to accommodate later nights. She wakes around 9:30am, and goes to bed after 10pm, so meals and activities occur later than most people's days, but with the same sort of spacing as if we had early days, kwim? A bit more of a strict routine for meals and 'scheduled' one on one time may help us work things out, though.

It's all a learning process....


----------

