# TTC After Loss



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Hi mamas~

After reading a post from Abylite, I figured it would be a good idea to start a TTC after loss support thread. I was active on the regular TTC board here when we were pregnant, and oddly enough there are actually a few of us who were ttc after loss that are all expecting around the same time (SpiralWoman and MysticHealerMom come to mind). Maybe we should have started this then! I definitely think that there should be a pregnancy and TTC After Loss forum here as it seems that there is definitely a need for it.

I know that the months we were trying to concieve Spawn were incredibly difficult. I knew it was completely irrational, but I could'nt help feeling like I had failed when AF would show up. I would just cry and cry. Also, we were'nt telling anyone we were ttc and that made it hard as well... we concieved less then 6 months after Xiola's birth/death, and we *really* did'nt want to hear how it was 'too soon' or anything else that was'nt supportive... so we kept mum about it.

So I wanted to start this thread as a place for those of you who are TTC after a loss, or struggling with the decision as to wether or not to try again (we were'nt even sure if we were willing to risk another loss and did discuss being childless before deciding to TTC), could have a place to share. The choice to TTC is such a huge one, and it is only more complicated when you are facing it after a pregnancy loss. So please feel free to share what you are feeling here, even if it's way out. Trust me, I have been there myself, and so have a lot of the mamas here.

XM


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## SummerLover (Nov 19, 2001)

XM- Your post made me cry. It was so gentle and understanding. I guess I didn't realize how emotional I felt about ttc after our loss in October.

Thank you for starting this thread.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

you are so right. I know that immediately after our loss I wasn't interested in ttc again period. Then, I started wanting to but kept changing my mind. The whole thing is so hard and really confusing. TTC again feels sort of like a betrayal to the baby we lost. Like a replacement will make it all better. And everyone can just pretend it didn't happen. Or that it doesn't matter any more because we would have a new baby. And how do you take the risk of it happening again? And it sucks to try and have it not work. It's almost like reliving the loss all over. the whole situation sucks period. Dh and I have talked about just giving up. We have dd. I can't imagine if we didn't. I can't understand why I'm fine now most of the time, except when I come here, or hear about someone I know that is pg.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

XM - you are such an amazing woman









Thank you for starting this thread - what a wonderful idea!


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Thank you XM for starting this thread. It really helps to know that I am not the only one "out there"...

I guess I realized today that I haven't fully grieved over the baby I lost 2 months ago. I thought I did. I spent the afternoon crying and feeling. My "goal" was and still is to get pregnant again.

We have been married almost 8 years and are more than ready to start a family. I'm 33, he's 35.

I think it's worse to go through this and not "know" if I can carry a baby to term. I feel as if my body has failed me AGAIN.

Thank you for listening. You don't know what it means to me at this point in my life.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Abylite, though it's been many years, I've been there









Be patient with yourself. Greif happens in stages.


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Thanks for starting this thread! I am ttc-ing again after my most recent loss, a miscarriage at 11.5 weeks. I conceived that one after five early miscarriages around 4.5 to 5 weeks. I really hope the next one will be the keeper, but I have to admit that I always will have that bit of caution in the back of my mind.

My last pregnancy everything looked perfect. Hcg numbers were on the high side of normal. First u/s was fine. Then the second u/s the baby had died :-( I wasn't surprised at all, I was amazed about how it didn't surprise me. I had had a good feeling about this pregnancy, and still it didnt' shock me when it was yet another loss. Sad in a way, but I guess I needed to protect myself. I wish I could go back to being naively pregnant and talk about the birth etc. Somehow I had a hard time looking forward that far!

For now, I am impatiently waiting to finally ovulate!!!!!!!! My chart is at http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/13f56/ The O-Fairy is taking her dear time!

Karen


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Thank you for starting this thread. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I saw it here (and dammit, once again I start crying at the school computer lab! I think the library assistants must think of me as "that girl who spends her weekends crying in the computer lab").

I was talking to a girl at work today, and the subject of basal thermometers came up. She was so surprised to hear I was ttc (she didn't know about the m/c), and so excited. It made me stop to think that to her, that naturally meant I would have a baby within the next year. It never occured to her that I may never get pregnant again, or that I won't stay pregnant if I do. She doesn't plan her sex life around her menstrual cycle, or by 25 packs of pregnancy tests (if I test 3X/cycle, that should last me 8 months, that's a reasonable investment, right?). She can trust her body.

I realized that I've lost faith in my body. I didn't even know anything was wrong- even when I was watching the ultrasound screen, and seeing there was no heartbeat, it took me a long time to register that there might be something wrong with the baby. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant at first, I bought a big bag of candy with the preg test to console myself with after what I was sure would be yet another negative. I feel like am not really a woman, that god doesn't think I will be a good mama.

Now, I have to work through all of this and get to where I can
1. Trust that I can get pregnant again.
2. Trust that I can stay pregnant.
3. Get up the energy and desire to have intercourse.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

It is so incredibly hard to deal with when something so important to you is out of your hands completely. And it's hard to have faith that everything will be all right when you have lived through the reality that that is'nt always the case. I never would have thought in a million years that I would have been so desperate to get pregnant... I literally would have no appetite after AF appeared, I would just be so down.

Hugs to you all... it takes so much strength to reach out for something so precious. It takes courage to risk the pain of a loss to experience the joy of trying again.

XM


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

Well, I'm sad to say....that I will not be able to join the ttcers after loss. Even though I would love to. Dh has put his foot down...so to speak. He is adimate about having no more children.

I'm not very happy with him about it and I think he knows I'm upset. He said that he doesn't think he can deal with another child and that my 9 months of pregnancy was really hard on him. I don't know how since he will not tell me. He changes the subject or just doesn't answer me.

In my heart I am with you.....


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello...

reading all your posts really helped me. Today is CD1...amazing that it gave me a little hope that AF arrived and not too late. It's my 2nd cycle after m/c. I didn't think about not Oing last month or that my cycles may be "messed" up for a while.

It's not fair ....I already "charted out" the days I may be most fertile on my calendar. I'm becoming a little obsessed!!!


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Abylite, I'm so glad to hear you are on to a new cycle and can see the positives in that. Isn't that limbo of knowing you aren't pregnant, but not getting your period yet frustrating? As far as the charting your fertile days already, I mark my cycle out at my calendar at work







(I keep it in my desk drawer, but still).

It's_our_family, your situation sounds so frustrating. If he won't tell you why he feels the way he does, you can't understand him. As Tracy gets older and farther away from the "baby" stage, maybe your dh will change his mind (especially when Tracy's old enough to ask for a brother or sister!)









Karen, your chart says you O'd, so I am sending you visualizations of a baby covered in honey and peanut butter (hey, that's about the stickiest thought I could think of!)









I was trying to figure out why getting pregnant again is so important to me, when the baby I lost was irreplaceable. I guess the best answer is that knowing I was pregnant is the purest happiness I have ever felt, and I want whatever little taste of it I can have, even if it ends the same way.

In the meantime, I am in horrible pain, which is most likely just cramps from the period which should be coming, but are bad enough that the doctor wants me to come in and rule out some kind of infection. Grrr.


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

naotalba, I loved your visualization of the little baby covered in peanut butter and honey. I have been using it ever since. This nice, healthy, sticky baby, happily licking her finger while lingering around in my uterus 

How frustrating on the cramps though, {{{{ HUGS }}}}. Have you been in yet? Would love an update.

Abylite, nope, not fair at all!!! Here's to this being the last ttc cycle for you, leading to a 9mo perfect pregnancy with healthy baby at the end!

I am 9dpo, so doing tons of visualizing and positive thinking. Statistically I am due for a keeper pregnancy!

Karen, with sticky baby


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Well, it's not cramps or infection, just a pulled muscle right where I feel cramps (I always feel them as in lower back, right over my bottom). Some stretching was all I needed, but unfortunately I still haven't gotten my period (6 weeks and counting).
I'm very impatient to start trying again.


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Healing vibes your way, naotalba! I am glad that it isn't anything ttc related. Six weeks is a long time to wait, did you chart at all so you can have any idea where you are in your cycle? I am at cd 41 now and ovulated 10 days ago, so my period would have shown up a bit over 6 weeks after the m/c.

Although I am getting faint lines on hpts now (yes, I am obsessed enough to test already LOL). My hcg last Monday was 10, so I doubt that that would show up on a hpt, so I think this might be it. I am also spotting though today, at least it's brown blood. Implantation spotting? I hope so.

I have to go in for another quant on Monday, will be 12dpo then, so that will tell me more. I feel amazingly calm about it all, very accepting. What will happen, will happen. And until then, I'll keep visualizing that cute little baby covered in peanutbutter and honey!

Karen


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

I love that baby in honey and peanut butter. That really made my day!







I am at cd 22 and counting. I feel lousy today though. Head cold, stuffy nose, sore throat stuff.







However, I never, ever get sick like this unless I have been stressed. Maybe this is a pg sign for me?







) Probably just wishful thinking.

This is our third month ttc since the mc. It was so much easier when we weren't "trying"...

Naotalba, hang in there lady! I am thinking about you and sending you all the best thoughts!

Karen, hope that baby really likes peanut butter and honey! Wishing you a little sticker!


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Naturegirl, my only preg symptoms before testing positive were gas and a bad cold starting about a week after O (which I thought was causing a fever, which was how I explained my elevated temps). Could be good news!

Karen, sounds like it could be good news for you, too. This time, with medical supervision from the beginning, your little honey-baby should be a keeper.

I deliberately haven't been charting- there is no way I could *know* I was ovulating and use any kind of birth control, and I doubt I could maintain a pregnancy this soon after a d&c. Although, I suspect this is an anovulatory cycle - I've had a couple different patches of EWCM over the last month, and my milk came in after the d&c, which probably messed up my cycles.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

naotalba--Just wanted to let you know that I was 8 weeks to the day past my mc before af showed her face again!! It can be so frustrating can't it!?!?!


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I love the honey and peanut butter, I'm sending lots of positive sticky baby thoughts everyones way, the waiting is so hard.

Megan, give your dh some time your son isn't even 1 yet (though close) and the miscarriage is fresh, he just might need some time to work through his own feelings, of course that doesn't make it any easier until then.


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Thanks all! I am having more spotting, still brown blood, but I think this is another real early miscarriage. Very curious to see tomorrow's number. I never spot before getting my period, this is totally new to me. I also have tons of ferning today, and bbt took a nosedive, which happened every time I had a bad clotting episode during my miscarriage too.

11dpo now, I am not very hopeful anymore, but there still is a small part of me holding out hope for this tiny baby!

Quant hcg tomorrow, I think it will either show close to a zero (finally!), or maybe some low number, but higher than last week's ten. We'll see.

Karen


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## [email protected] (Mar 3, 2003)

I had a D&C 10 days ago. I was 10 weeks pg although the baby didn't make it past 7. I am still bleeding. This was our fourth pregnancy and it was unplanned. We didn't really know we wanted another baby until I got pregnant. Now that we have lost this one I REALLY want to get pregnant again soon. How soon can you get pregnant? Do you always have a "blank" month?
Also:

Quote:

_Originally posted by naotalba_
[ I've had a couple different patches of EWCM over the last month, and my milk came in after the d&c, which probably messed up my cycles. [/B]
Could this be why my breasts feel full? Would milk come in even if I was only pregnant for 10 weeks? My last baby only weaned 2 months ago would that contribute?


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

I noticed my boobs becoming fuller also before my mc and I miscarried at 10 weeks. Not too sure how far along the baby was though. My dh actually told me later that the boob growth was the first thing he noticed, even before I tested! I think if you were recently bfing then the fullness can come on more rapidly than a first pg.? All I know is that my dh was very happy with my new abundance as I don't have much to begin with.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

[email protected], I am so sorry for your loss.

TTC was the first thing on our minds when we lost our daughter at term... I know that when a woman miscarries it can really vary when her fertility will return. Some women concieve the very next cycle, some women need a few cycles before their bodies are ready. Try to take good care of yourself, eat well (this was the hardest for me after our loss, the idea of ttc was the only thing that motivated my appetite at all) and drink lots of water... these things will help your body recover and prepare it for trying again. And be patient with yourself, planned or not you lost something very precious.

Karen, I am really hoping that what you are experiencing is just implantation... sending sticky vibes your way. My heart also goes out to you that are waiting for your cycles to regulate... when we were ttc it was SO fustrating because at first I was'nt ovulating, and then I was ovulating sooner then usual (cd10-11 on a 25 day cycle instead of cd13-14 on a 28 day cycle) and missing it. I hated being in limbo...

Hugs to all of you, XM


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## [email protected] (Mar 3, 2003)

now that we know we want another baby, I have been researching fertility methods. Has anyone read Taking Charge of Your Fertility or tried the Fertility Awareness method? Any Luck?? Any thougths, pointers?


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Taking Charge of Your Fertility is an awesome book. It is full of good information about the femal cycle, and tells you how to monitor your own cycle. I had charted for quite a few years before getting the book, and it still taught me many new things. I can heartily recommend it.

Looks like I am having yet another early m/c for sure. I have bright red blood, small clots, and cramping today. And yesterday my cervix was open. So doesn't look good. I have to admit that I am still using the progesterone cream till I hear today's number, but I don't think it will be good news. I kind of hope it will be higher than last week's though, so that this m/c will be medically documented.

Oh well, on to another cycle. The early ones aren't really that bad, no time to get your hopes up too high.

Karen


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

So sorry Karen


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

[email protected], I was 14 weeks pregnant when I had the d&c, but the baby died around 8.5 weeks. This was my first pregnancy; I've never breastfed before. If you just weaned 2 months ago, you may very well get milk coming in--it took about 5 days for me. My breasts never felt full, but they did get even bigger then when I was pregnant. (And my stomach went down immediately, so the contrast was very noticeable and everyone kept asking me if I'd lost weight.







No, just a baby. )

Karen, I'm praying for you.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

this isn't a ttc thing but....last night was the first time EVER I have dreamed I was pg...I woke up nd realized it was only a dream...but I actually had to stop and think about it









Sorry about your loss karen....


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## [email protected] (Mar 3, 2003)

When I found out that our bay had died I cried for several day. All the time at first then tapering off. I acutally got to where I could talk/think about it without bursting into tears. So I thought "gee, your coping so well - this isn't going to be so hard after all" Then I had to drop my 5 yr old off at preschool and ran into a friend who's due date was a week away from mine. She was wearing maternity clothes. The dams burst and I spent another day crying. I have had other healthy pregnancies and only this one misscarraige. Its not like I have reason to believe I won't get pregnant again. I'm kind of confused by the depth of my grief. How long will it take before I feel better?


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I can only tell you this....we lost our second baby in November and I still cry about it. I think about how far along I'd be. I'd be feeling her move and squirm. I was getting out the maternity clothes the day we lost her. I started bleeding before I got them out of the attic. (My ds was only 6 months old so I still had baby belly left







)

So, it's been almost 4 months and I still break down. It isn't as often..but it still happens.....


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## mama2girls (Nov 19, 2002)

I used TCOYF and the FAM to get pg both times and as bc between pgs (after af returned). It's a great book. I really enjoyed learning how to read my body's own signs of fertility. I know that it won't work for everyone, but it definitely worked for us. (pg#1 two cycles, pg#2 one cycle)


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Well, I finally got this week's hcg nr. The historical sequence (weekly) has been

24,000
10,600
3,970
171 (that was a nice drop!)
30
10

And now I can add Monday's number. It was five! What kind of number is that, geez! LOL I had hoped that it would 'medically prove' that I was having a very early miscarriage. This is such a wishy washy number, I can't really do anything with it.

I guess we will start a testing cycle after this one, but I haven't seen my ob yet to talk about it. The more I think about it, the less convinced I am that the dr will be able to 'fix' anything in my case. I know my body can do this, it just has been messed up a bit. So my strategy will be focused on healthy living, healthy eating, daily walks, yoga, positive thinking and such, and trust that my body will figure this out again.

I will still do the testing cycle, figuring that it might rule out things, but I doubt that it will find anything. I haven't decided yet on the clomid after that. It might just be the answer for me, or it might not be. I won't know till after I try, so I will have to make the decision whether to try or not. I have some more research to do on that one!

Karen


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

[email protected]







I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I think it could even be harder because you have had beautiful children and really feel what that loss means. I have no children, yet, and my mc was hard but I think it would have been harder having felt a baby grow "in" me before and to experience birth and a baby in my arms...I guess everyones experience, past and present, is different.


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

[email protected]'m a little late to tell you that I am sorry for your loss. Everyone has been so supportive and understanding on this board. I hope you get pg again soon.


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

Well af is officially here. No pg. this time around.







Here we go again...5th cycle since the mc.


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## [email protected] (Mar 3, 2003)

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for giving me that little extra suport. You ladies are really great. Its wonderful to hear from people that have been there before.
Day 16 after d&c still with spotting - good thing I go to the OB on Monday. I had to go get more pads Whats up with that?







. I have been feeling hapier though and it was not quite so hard to teach my Bradley class. At least this week I didn't have to talk about Gestation.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

[email protected], I understand being angry about having to use pads! I felt very much the same.

naturegirl, I'm sorry sweetie, I know how hard that is









Thinking about all of you,

Gently,

Jacque


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## gina (Aug 30, 2002)

hi all- in the midst of m/c #2 in a row- have 2 year old daughter- question: have been bleeding 5 days, early m/c (started bleeding at 6 weeks)- do i wait until af before ttc again- feel like this m/c was easy on my body unlike the horrible missed m/c and subsequent d&c- what do you think? i'll ask ob as well- thanks-
good luck to us all!!


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

Thanks Jacque...

Gina, I don't think you need to wait. The mc was fairly early and if you feel strong emotionally and physically...My sil was pg within her first cycle after mc and she has a wonderful baby (heck he is almost 2 now!) boy.

Sorry about the mc







. They really suck.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Patience...patience.......its a virute....but I don't think I have it!!!!

This is my fisrt "fertile" time since I decided to be patient and not talk to dh about ttc......Well, today I reach the peak of fertility and I cannot think of anything but jumping him as soon as he walks through the door!!!!

This sucks!!!


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

I remember when my dh was saying no to ttc. It can be so frustrating... I am so sorry. He didn't "come around" until we accidently got pg, but unfortunately we lost the baby. Now he is supportive in ttc. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't







:















.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I think our loss scared him...

He walked in the door tonight...took one look at me and said, "OMG you're ovulating...saty away!!"

I guess I was a little obvious!


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

It sounds like he has alot of fear and anxiety about this. I hope he can talk to you and get his feelings out. Sometimes guys bottle things up so much that it can get very unhealthy. I feel for you.









I am also feeling some anxiety because I haven't conceived yet since the mc. I didn't think I would have any problems.







: Everything is "text book normal" with my cycles, ovulation, etc. Starting to get very frustrated...


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

Well, here I go again...cd10. Should be ovulating this week! Please, send me any access baby dust!


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I'll send you baby dust!! In all honesty....I hope that most of you get pg more than I hope I get pg by an oops. I know some of you (and your dh's)want it sooo bad.

I hope it is your month.....

I'm 9 or 10 dpo....af should start tomorrow or Thursday........


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

Thanks Megan. I know how hard it is for you right now with dh not on the same page as you.









Thankfully I finally convinced my dh that it was time!


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