# Mods please erase



## jenniferadurham (Apr 6, 2008)

I'm done debating over my decisions that I think are right or wrong. I am DEEPLY sorry I ever started this thread. There are tons of things that I could explain....but its not worth it.

BTW, DD said she doesnt even know why she asked for a bra. Shes not hurting, or uncomfy under her clothes. I know my DD better than anyone, and she is NOT ready for a bra. mentally or physically. End of story. I dont CHECK her every 3 days...bad choice of words obviously.

I'm just done with everyone responding. I'm over it.


----------



## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Honestly, it sounds like your daughter really wants to start wearing a bra and since her nana offered to buy one she happily accepted. I don't see how she did this to hurt you, just trying to make her granddaughter happy. I would let her keep the bra, and if it is really important to you, take her shopping this week so that you can share picking out another one as well. There's no rule that a girl has to wait to need a bra before she can wear one & it sounds like your daughter is ready.
FWIW my mom bought my 8 year old two pretty training bras this past summer & they both had a great time shopping together for them. Doesn't mean that I can't do the same with her, just means that she was comfortable enough with grandma to shop for something personal & that's all that really matters.


----------



## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

yeah she shouldnt have done that. but i bet it was bc your DD was asking for one. it is not like she thought to herself.. "yeah i am gonna steal her thunder" she just bought her granddaughter something she wanted. i know the first bra is a big deal. and i bet your dd knew you werent going to do it right away and she was excited and knew she could talk grand,a into it. calm down a little. you didnt have to give it back. you could have kept it till you were ready for her to have it.

obviously i dont knwo any background about your xmil, but it seems to me that DD wanted something and talked grandma into it. and you are mad at the grandma for being a grandma......


----------



## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

I think she overstepped boundaries but she may not have realized it at all. She may not have thought it was a big deal, and who knows what your dd was saying about the matter. Maybe she's been really wanting a bra since you talked and is excited and just saw nana as an opportunity to ask for what she wanted.

I am imagining that you were seeing the day you go shopping for a bra as a special occasion and rite of passage. However, not everyone would give it that much weight. I do not. We have quite a few hand-me-down bras from our oldest in the two younger girls' closet. I let dd11 know they were there about a year ago and told her she could help herself to them whenever she wanted them. We have also received a couple of hand-me-downs from our friends with teens for our developing preteen. She is quite developed now and possibly even in an A cup, and she wears the bras about half the time, and has never yet gone shopping with mom for new bra. It's just clothes to me.

Another way it is casual: I see a lot of girls that are much younger wearing bra-style undershirts just because it seems cool to them to do so. They are really cropped undershirts but they like to call them bras. Our youngest loves to play at that since she has older sisters who wear bras. She's wear swimsuit tops or whatever.

I totally understand you taking this in that way but I can equally see it not occurring to grandma that it would be a big deal. And I suppose I would be inclined to not see it as "big time" even if it messed up your plans she didn't know about. If your dd talked to nana about wanting a bra as if it was not a very big deal, or maybe even told grandma it was okay with you for her to get one because the way you said made her think she had permission, then it is very understandable that the boundary would not seem to exist. Your dd may not have realized it was a big deal to you to do that with her personally, and only gotten the message that getting a bra was fine "whenever she was ready."

I would not feel right returning it to her. I feel like her action, even if taken with a lack of understanding, was completely harmless and not worth throwing up in her face like that. Please understand that this is just my perspective and this is based on my feelings about the relative unimportance of bra shopping to me--combined with what little information you have shared. For all I know there is a history of issues with things like this where she steps in too far without communicating with you, or other problems that give extra meaning to her actions.


----------



## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

I am close to having grandchildren myself, and I can see myself buying it if my granddaughter asked me to. Not because I wanted to "stick it" to her mom, or steal her thunder, but just because she asked. I am on the side of MIL didn't know how important this was to you.

If it isn't too late, I would ask the ex not to return it to his mom and just explain to her next time you saw her that you were really looking forward to taking your daughter shopping for her first bra. Why punish your daughter for something her grandma did, probably by accident?


----------



## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm probably not qualified to comment (not a pre-teen mother yet), but I think you're overreacting.

I can totally understand how you would see buying your DD's first bra as a special mother-daughter occasion, and why you would be upset to miss out on that. I get that. Still, I don't think it's really fair for you to expect your ex-MIL to know you felt that way. You said yourself that she bought it because your DD wanted it. It's not like she specifically took her bra-shopping, right? She probably didn't give it a second thought, and I can't say I blame her. At worst I think it was a bit thoughtless, not malicious.

I also think that giving it back to her is way OTT and likely to create unnecessary drama.


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I don't think that you should take what amounts to a gift from your ex-MIL to your dd, away from your dd. This strikes me as especially true when you are really struggling with what feels like a lack of respect toward you. It's not respectful to take your dd's belongings.

I get how you feel like this is an important time, and a rite of passage that you wanted to travel with your dd. I think that if you over react here, this will be the memory your create for your dd. You can choose to create your own positive memories by asking your dd what she would like, possibly go shopping together....something that feels good to her. It's a no-win to make this a you vs. you MIL situation, with your dd caught in the middle. There are going to be many firsts as your dd enters puberty, and she's more likely to share them with you if you are pretty calm and level headed.


----------



## jenniferadurham (Apr 6, 2008)

Tons of info I left out about ex MIL from years past. It doesn't apply directly to this topic, so I didn't include any of it. To somewhat clue y'all in...when DD was little(under a year) we(exH and I, him mainly) had to cut her out of our lives bc she would do things that were not her place and over step boundaries. She's a whack job...literally. She used to stalk us, which is another thread LOL. So Without getting totally into the past, that's where I'm coming from. It's not like this is the first time she's done something that wasn't her place...I mean, even her own son said that this was out of line.

My biggest point to the story I guess is that she ISN'T ready for a bra. She has the tinyest little hump, if you can even call it that. It literally looks like a swollen ant bite. That is my frustration...it was bought without it needing to be bought. We don't let our children grow up faster than they need to...bras, makeup in public, adult music, boyfriends, etc. She's not even nine yet, and she needs to be a KID. And just bc she asks for something doesn't mean she should to get it. Same thing with candy and kids...just bc they want it, does it mean that we need to buy it for them?

I can see your point about exMIL not knowing or thinking that it was something I was looking forward to...I get that. She's not a mind reader. However....she could have made a quick phone call and asked. THAT would have saved a lot of drama. Shes pretty big into stirring pots and creating situations that don't need to be created.

And someone had mentioned that it's disrespectful of ME to take away DD's belongings/gifts....I am the mother, and if I feel like she shouldn't have something for whatever reason..then thats my job. Has nothing to do with disrespect...I respect her privacy and her wants/needs...when they are valid. Not...'hey mom, I need to wear this skirt that shows half of my butt bc everyone else is doing it' We talk about everything like I mentioned before. And she knows why I take something or don't let her have something. I never just take it away and say 'bc I said so'. I explained to her what a bra is used for, and she understood. It's to help with rubbing/irritation at the start and then holding those bad boys in later in life. Lol she plays with my bras at the house and dress up and I'm fine with that, but she knows that she's still a kid and that she doesn't need to grow up faster than she is...she has her ENTIRE life to be an adult.

I'm not trying to sound rude to PP's...and thank you for your input...I did ask after all. But I just feel that it was overstepping what she did. And when I told my DH..he just about flipped his roof....he is more of a father to her than her own dad. My mom had a good comeback to hearing about this...wearing a bra and makeup and trying to look older than she is, will attract older boys...and that WILL NOT happen right now or in the short years to come. She needs to be focusing on God and how to live her life as a Christian, not what boy likes her.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Just because she just has buds, it doesn't mean she doesn't need a bra. For many girls, having a bra or an undershirt helps protect the area (which can be very sensitive at this stage) from rubbing against her shirt.

I do still think you are overreacting and do agree with most of the PPs. No you don't have to give a child everything she wants, but you admit that she is starting to develop which means her getting a bra is not going to force her into maturing faster then she already is. It's entirely possible that your DD asked her nana to buy it because she knew you wouldn't. Wanting a bra when you're starting to develop is valid.


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> i check her every three days or so, and when we think she needs a training bra we will go get one.


I'm confused. Who is the "we" who decides on your daughter's underwear? Because it sounds like your dd had an opinion on the subject, but the reality is that you won't allow her to have a bra. Who decides that your dd's wants and needs are " valid", as you said? I'm not hearing your dd's voice in this conversation, except to be told that what she's experiencing isn't OK.

Also, I'm lousy at the multi-quoting function, but the piece about equating wearing a training bra with all of the ills you and your mother feel are associated is just flawed on so many levels. I think you're operating out of a fear basis here.

You posted in the pre-teen/teen section, so I was assuming you wanted to hear from those of us parenting kids of this age. Your dd is going to go through puberty on her own timetable. She may, for her own reasons, want a bra, and her feelings could be very different from yours on this matter. I don't know what your relationship is like, except that you say that you have excellent communication. If so, do you not look at your dd for who she is; a nine y/o in a very tender state of development, and not a little girl looking to attract older boys or grow up too fast? She's the same lovely daughter, whether she wears a training bra or not.

I fear that this issue has little to do with your dd, and a lot more to do with power and control issues of the adults in her life.


----------



## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Just because she just has buds, it doesn't mean she doesn't need a bra. For many girls, having a bra or an undershirt helps protect the area (which can be very sensitive at this stage) from rubbing against her shirt.
> 
> I do still think you are overreacting and do agree with most of the PPs. No you don't have to give a child everything she wants, but you admit that she is starting to develop which means her getting a bra is not going to force her into maturing faster then she already is. It's entirely possible that your DD asked her nana to buy it because she knew you wouldn't. Wanting a bra when you're starting to develop is valid.


This. Also wearing a training bra is not like wearing makeup or provocative clothes at a young age. It's a comfort issue.

I have a 5 year old DD2 and a 24 year old DD1. You may think buying your DD's first bra is a big deal, but I don't remember buying my DD1 her first one. I also have 2 granddaughters, ages 4 and 13 months. I wouldn't think it was a big deal buying one of them a bra when she is older. I usually look at buying them clothing as saving my DD1 money.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham* 

My biggest point to the story I guess is that she ISN'T ready for a bra. She has the tinyest little hump, if you can even call it that. It literally looks like a swollen ant bite. That is my frustration...it was bought without it needing to be bought. We don't let our children grow up faster than they need to...bras, makeup in public, adult music, boyfriends, etc. She's not even nine yet, and she needs to be a KID. And just bc she asks for something doesn't mean she should to get it. Same thing with candy and kids...just bc they want it, does it mean that we need to buy it for them?


> ...I respect her privacy and her wants/needs...when they are valid.


I feel completely differently on this topic than you do. One of my DDs needed a bra rather young, and one didn't. The one that didn't need a bra wanted a bra, and therefore got a bra. I only say no to my kids if I have a REALLY good reason, and *to me* there isn't a good reason to say no to what sort of underwear my child wants to wear. And the whole thing that you are checking her every three days to see if she needs a bra sounds really, really weird to me. I can't picture that. Are you actually looking at her naked nipples? Did you tell her that her breasts look like ants bits?

And saying that you can't have what you want until you have bigger boobs is just messed up. Some women never really get breasts. Nothing in life should be tied to the size of one's boobs.

I think you are the one creating the drama. Your DD wanted a bra, you wouldn't get one for her, and now she has one. Making an even bigger deal of it isn't going to help the situation.

<<..I respect her privacy and her wants/needs...when they are valid.>>

You gotta pick one. either you respect her privacy OR you decide when it's valid. You don't get to do both. It just doesn't work. Right you, you are creating a lot of drama with your DD. Leave grandma out of it. Take her shopping and let her try on lots of different styles, and let her find what she likes. Then buy it. Then take her someplace that is fun for her, like Starbucks and just chat. Building your relationship with your DD. And DONT go into the dressing room with her!!!! let her just try some on and see for herself what she looks like in them and let her make her own choices.

(BTW, as the mom of 2 teen girls, I've bought so many bras that I don't see bra shopping as all that interesting. You may have lots of issues with grandma, but cut her some slack on this one.)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *karne*
> I fear that this issue has little to do with your dd, and a lot more to do with power and control issues of the adults in her life.


Agreed.


----------



## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> Tons of info I left out about ex MIL from years past. It doesn't apply directly to this topic, so I didn't include any of it. To somewhat clue y'all in...when DD was little(under a year) we(exH and I, him mainly) had to cut her out of our lives bc she would do things that were not her place and over step boundaries. She's a whack job...literally. She used to stalk us, which is another thread LOL. So Without getting totally into the past, that's where I'm coming from. It's not like this is the first time she's done something that wasn't her place...I mean, even her own son said that this was out of line.


It could well be that your MIL has a long history of overstepping boundaries, but I can't see that this particular incident is an example of that. Sometimes when we already have issues with a person, we end up assuming the worst of them even when it probably isn't the case. I know I've done it!

I think you owe your DD an apology. Even if your MIL was in the wrong, there was still no need to involve your DD in the drama, especially over something that's probably already a sensitive issue for her. You could have just let her keep it, then had a calm word with your exDH in private. Now you've put her in an awkward position by involving her in adult politics.


----------



## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

And for the record, I had training bras ("crop tops" as we call them in Australia) from around 9 years old, long before there was anything to fill them with. My friends did too. You don't need to physically check her (that would have made me REALLY uncomfortable at that age!), just follow her cues and get her some when she wants them, which is now.


----------



## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> So what is your opinion on this? How would you react if this were to happen to you?


My opinion on this is that taking away grandma's gift from your daughter was not the right decision. This put the disagreement between the two grow-ups on the shoulders of a child, which was an unnecessary thing to do. If I was your daughter, I would be:

a) hurt that I lost a present, while *I* did NOTHING wrong.

b) felt guilty that I caused two people I love to argue

Your daughter did not deserve to feel either of those two things, because, well... she did nothing wrong.

Do I get the desire of a mom to go bra shopping with her daughter? Yes. I do. But the question I have is - why did you make your daughter pay for your disappointment?..

Your second question is what would I do.

I would communicate my hurt and disappointment to my ex, and appreciate his support on the issue. I would bring this up with his mom, while my daughter is not around, so that she does not have a misplaced feeling of shame for accepting the training bra. I would swallow my pride, and let my kid enjoy her gift guilt free. That would be putting her feelings first.


----------



## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

I'm gonna agree with Snowflake on this one. Your MIL may be in the habit of overstepping boundaries, but your dd made the call on this one. She was honest and open with her grandmother. It would really strain the relationship between your dd and her nana if she can't tell her nana what she really wants and her nana may not fulfull even if she knew. From dd's perspective it may seem like you've got impossible rules that only you know about. They're being set up to fail and give you reason to be upset. Let it go. It's just underwear.

If it had been me, it wouldn't have bothered me. My dd is 9 and wears crop tops even though she isn't even budding yet. It's a modesty issue for her. She made a request for crop tops and we just bought them. It could have been with her aunt, her grandma or maybe even her father. It wouldn't have phased me. Now, when dd gets her first period . . . that'll be a different story.


----------



## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

It wouldn't even occur to me that buying a first training bra was a special mother/daughter thing and I'm quite confident I'd feel the same way if I had a daughter...

I remember in middle school, it was quite obvious what kind of underwear the girls were wearing under their white school shirts. It was definitely considered weird to wear an undershirt no matter the stage of physical development. So I'd follow the child's cue on whether she feels it's appropriate.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

You daughter wanted a bra, you were "monitoring" the situation so I assume that you were ok with her wearing a bra eventually (but only when *you* saw fit), your daughter told her grandmother she wanted a bra so the grandmother bought it for her. I don't see the issue?









Training bras are just that, no breasts required. I had a training bra before I had breast buds but I really wanted one so my mom got me one. Sounds like your daughter wanted one and you didn't listen but he grandmother did. Can I ask if you been upset if she had bought her pajamas? jeans? underwear?

Breaks my heart that you took it away from her and made her return it. How humiliating for her.







You have just shown her that you don't respect her decisions and you don't trust her instincts but that her grandmother does.


----------



## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

This is so not a big deal. So grandma bought the girl a bra. The girl ASKED for it. She is GRANDMA and they do tend to buy things that kids ask for. Plus, training bras are more for emotional comfort than actual need. Whether your DD physically needed one or not SHE felt she needed one and you weren't responding to that need. Perhaps that is what you are *really* upset at.... the fact that your daughter went behind your back, not that grandma did something nice. Your DD is growing up and you aren't going to be able to control everything in her life. If you want her to trust you and keep talking to you about this stuff, you need to listen and respond.... and sorry, my DD would have DIED if I asked to look at her chest every 3 days when she was starting to develop! It's HER body. Let her decide when she needs a bra.

I've been bra shopping with a daughter and really, it's not big whoop. Don't stress about manufactured milestones. You have the opportunity for MILLIONS of special moments with your child. Go take her on a special hike and be inspired by some spectacular view, let her crawl into bed with you and giggle over silly stories late at night, surprise her with an all green meal on St. Patrick's day.... don't cause a fued over underwear!


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I would be upset. I think that buying a bra as a rite of passage is pretty commonly accepted. If you look at historical literature, it's a really, really common scene. I've seen magazine articles, commercials, etc. about the experience of buying a first bra as a mother-daughter thing.

My mother isn't allowed alone with my children, but she does try to do this - *insisting* that she buy DS his first bicycle, though she knew that was a big deal for DH (and to be honest, she doesn't really care about my children). If we mention that we're getting a gift, she runs out and gets it (which is fine, we just mention things we're not planning to get these days). I know that at some point she will say that she wants to take DD shopping for a bra, and I'll just flat-out refuse. So, yeah, if there is a history of this kind of "thunder-stealing" behavior, it would make me angry.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *HollyBearsMom*
> 
> You daughter wanted a bra, you were "monitoring" the situation so I assume that you were ok with her wearing a bra eventually (but only when *you* saw fit), your daughter told her grandmother she wanted a bra so the grandmother bought it for her. I don't see the issue?
> 
> ...


Yes, I see the OP's reaction as shaming her daughter for growing up. Not cool.


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I don't think it is a big deal. Unless of course, you have reason to believe that the Nana only bought it to try to get at you. It sounds like your daughter asked for it. I know it is a big deal to you, but in the big picture, I think you are overreacting. This is about how you feel, and not about the intent on behalf of the nana. It sounds like your daughter had already wanted this and I do not know if you just have not had the time yet to take her out or what. If it makes you feel better, put the bra up and take her out today to buy her one that is from you. Have her wear that one first and then she can have the other one later.


----------



## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Jennifer, you think your dd isn't ready but that might not be HOW your daughter feels. My 10-year-old is not even budding, her sister is, a few of her friends are, she finds it very important to have camisoles and undergarments that appear bra-ish. My daughter's need is very psychological, I cannot say I understand it but I respect it.

I really don't think you were listening to your child, but caught up into your own IDEALIZED view of how things should be. Bra buying was never a big deal mother/daughter bonding thing for me. You felt it important not your child. Or your child had a different feeling of inportant.

I think you giving the bra back to your mil does not show that you value your duaghter's emotional needs that are starting to grow and change. I also think it shows disrespect to your daughter on ownership of things given to her. This is a bra not some dangerous/harmful toy. It is an acknowledgement to growing up that you took away, and from my experience of having a 12 and 10 daughter your child needed. You told her YOU will decide when she is ready, not HER deciding over HER body. She needs validation to her changing body not you telling her when you think it has changed enough.

I know you have issues with mil, this time I don't think she was trying to steal your thunder but honor her grandchild's request. Also, could your dd been complaining about her nipples and chest hurting and your exmil thought this might help. I do know some girls/women/men prefer bras/undergarments to reduce painful rubbing of nipples. Breast size has nothing to do with this, personal sensitivity is something you as mom cannot judge.


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

My daughter is 14 and has been in bras for years and I don't think the purchase of the first training bra is a big deal. I am not even sure if her first was a handmedown from a relative or if I purchased it myself. Regardless, at this point, I would pay someone else to take her bra shopping. Trust me, there is a lot of bra shopping in your future.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> I don't think it is a big deal. Unless of course, you have reason to believe that the Nana only bought it to try to get at you. It sounds like your daughter asked for it. I know it is a big deal to you, but in the big picture, I think you are overreacting. This is about how you feel, and not about the intent on behalf of the nana. It sounds like your daughter had already wanted this and I do not know if you just have not had the time yet to take her out or what. If it makes you feel better, put the bra up and take her out today to buy her one that is from you. Have her wear that one first and then she can have the other one later.


Or better yet, be the bigger person and apologize to your daughter for not listening to her. Don't try to "one up" your MIL as it gains you nothing and could further damage your relationship with your daughter.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## organicmom3 (Oct 7, 2009)

I really see nothing wrong with a grandmother buying her granddaughter a bra. I'm sure she had no idea it would upset you. I don't mean to be unfeeling on your behalf, but I think you need to realize that just because you see this as a sensitive issue, does not mean it's abnormal for the action of you MIL. Believe me , their are by far worse things a MIL can do...this, I feel, is fairly small....I would let your daughter wear it whether she needs to or not...perhaps just on occasions she's wearing thinner clothes or something if that helps you... but making a big deal out of this may only make things worse between you and your daughter at a time she needs your moral support and between your MIL and you....she's still your daughter's grandmother and she needs to feel comfortable with her relationship with her.


----------



## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

In the grand scheme of things, I do not think this is something to get riled up about. You're hurt, but that is only because of your past with your XMIL. It has nothing to do with your daughter so why take the problem out on her by sending the bra back. It makes no sense. Simply talking to your XMIL and saying that you wanted to do this "milestone" with your daughter would have been much more mature.


----------



## organicmom3 (Oct 7, 2009)

Honestly, I think you're making too big of a deal with this. I don't think your MIL did anything wrong...in fact, I think it was a sweet gesture. It's only wrong if you take it wrong....it's the way you are perceiving the whole thing. She herself, your MIL, didn't do anyting worng. There's a lot of grandmas that take granddaughters shopping....

I would NOT send the bra back. That is an absolute insult and you are really causing the problem. I think it's an insult to your daughter too in not wanting her to wear something that is perfectly natural for her age and you may be setting yourself up for bigger problems by not allowing her to feel better about her beginning stages of development and secure in her relationship with her grandmother.

Think on it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but really.....it's not such a big deal. Belive me, there are worse things a MIL can do!

HUGS


----------



## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

I agree with some pps that you are overreacting. I'd apologize to your daughter and give her the bra back.


----------



## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

I feel for the OP, a lot.

I have dealt with a moderate amount of parental alienation from older women in my children's lives. My partner's mother has made choices that were 'mildly' bad enough that partner let it go for several critical years, thus causing irreparable damage to our family/coparent relationship. She persisted in calling my daughter 'pretty' throughout her early years, which was diametrically opposed to all values I was working to instill in my child. She bought crappy toys in spite of my insistence on having gifts cleared by me first. Disney princess books, etc. I asked, pleaded, insisted, was passive-aggressive, I tried it all.Those things were my right as a mother to make decisions about, depsite the fact that she did not agree with what my child needed. She had her own daughter and now I had mine. That to me, was obvious. It sucks when somebody violates your (in my case, hard-earned) boundaries. (Editing to add, it was in therapy that I finally learned how to make this mess stop).

I think it's HIGHLY possible that the grandma did a bad, bad thing here. If she knows the OP, she'd know not to 'go there'. That said, I'd have let my daughter keep the gift, seethed to my therapist in private, and firmly and politely redefined the boundaries with the grandma. I'd also use it as a clue that my daughter needs/wants things that I don't necessarily yet think she needs, and would be always checking myself for baggage from an abusive childhood RE: gender roles, what little girls should/shouldn't have or do....

I would always try to avoid over-sensationalizing a bra to my child. I don't generally wear one, and hope that it won't occur to my own DD to want one, like, ever. If she does, I'll make sure to get online right away (no shopping in toxic stores with terrible images and additional stuff we don't need) and find some super comfortable ones for her. Hopefully with some kitties on them. Then we'll go back to whatever else we needed to do that day, like cuddling and going to the library.

To return it to grandma might make a bra into a BRA!!!!!!!!




























with fireworks and fetishes attached.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> To return it to grandma might make a bra into a BRA!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Too late. This bra has gone from a piece of underwear to a shameful major embarrassing big deal already.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> I think it's HIGHLY possible that the grandma did a bad, bad thing here. If she knows the OP, she'd know not to 'go there'.


This is a board about parenting teens and preteens. It isn't the MIL and ex MIL vent page. I'm far more concerned about the effect that all this is having on the OPer's DD and about the relationship between the OPer and her DD than anything about the ex MIL.


----------



## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> This is a board about parenting teens and preteens. It isn't the MIL and ex MIL vent page. I'm far more concerned about the effect that all this is having on the OPer's DD and about the relationship between the OPer and her DD than anything about the ex MIL.


Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then?









Dag, Linda, I feel like you're calling me out and I didn't do anything!


----------



## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TCMoulton*
> 
> Honestly, it sounds like your daughter really wants to start wearing a bra and since her nana offered to buy one she happily accepted. I don't see how she did this to hurt you, just trying to make her granddaughter happy. I would let her keep the bra, and if it is really important to you, take her shopping this week so that you can share picking out another one as well. There's no rule that a girl has to wait to need a bra before she can wear one & it sounds like your daughter is ready.
> FWIW my mom bought my 8 year old two pretty training bras this past summer & they both had a great time shopping together for them. Doesn't mean that I can't do the same with her, just means that she was comfortable enough with grandma to shop for something personal & that's all that really matters.


I agree. THis is no big deal & you're making it into something bigger than it should be.

IF she only has a little hump/swollen ant bite why are you checking her every 3 days?

IF your ex-mil is really that bad why did you let your dd go with her?


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then?
> 
> ...


sorry! I didn't mean it like that!

I think that the OPer's focus could be more about what is going on with her DD, rather than using this as another way to re-hash the past with the ex MIL.


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> And the whole thing that you are checking her every three days to see if she needs a bra sounds really, really weird to me. I can't picture that. Are you actually looking at her naked nipples?


I'm also cringing at that. I'm hoping it's not how it sounds.


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> Well, I guess you're free to overlook the part I included to identify with the mother-in-question's feelings and concerns, then?
> 
> ...


The point is that most of us are feeling like this isn't an issue about the ex-MIL. On this board, the focus is on parenting the preteen/teen, so that's why the conversation keeps returning to respecting the dd's feelings/needs/desires, and recognizing that she is entering a different stage of life. It's about understanding that we don't control our kids feelings, and that they will try to get their needs met, which is a healthy and normal thing to do. Truly, this is not a MIL issue. Underneath all these layers is a girl who is asking to have her feelings and wishes noticed. OP has a wonderful opportunity to connect w/her dd around this.


----------



## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *karne*
> 
> The point is that most of us are feeling like this isn't an issue about the ex-MIL. On this board, the focus is on parenting the preteen/teen, so that's why the conversation keeps returning to respecting the dd's feelings/needs/desires, and recognizing that she is entering a different stage of life. It's about understanding that we don't control our kids feelings, and that they will try to get their needs met, which is a healthy and normal thing to do. Truly, this is not a MIL issue. Underneath all these layers is a girl who is asking to have her feelings and wishes noticed. OP has a wonderful opportunity to connect w/her dd around this.


Of course you think that. I just don't understand why I'm getting "silenced", as I do think the MIL stuff is relevant. It's not like these issues don't intersect. In dealing with rearing her daughter, she's dealing with the ExMIL. Obviously the child's reality is of the utmost importance, and I think the post I offered reflects that. Boundaries issues are often inherited from previous generations, and passed on to our children if not sorted out. I do believe it's fully possible that the MIL was out of line, knowingly. Lots of posters are awfully quick to excuse the G'ma, but the culture is full of Grandma's who prey on those sort of situations and can smell an opportunity to usurp a Mama's time to shine.

But my bruised ego aside, let's take it easy on this mama. Of course she has her daughter's needs in mind, and there's no reason to think otherwise. We can offer her insight on the situation without being rigid. I feel like some of our responses are as reactive as the BRA situation itself.

Peace(and thanks, Linda).


----------



## jenniferadurham (Apr 6, 2008)

So I have read everyones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading everyones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.

I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" bc y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

It wouldn't have occurred to me to be upset; I would have been grateful that MIL took DD shopping and bought her a bra.

FWIW, my DD will be 10 next week and has owned bras for a couple years now. It's not a big deal; IMO, girls are ready to wear bras when they want to be - whether they are 8 or 13. I think it would do more harm than good to get up in arms over a piece of clothing that she probably was pretty proud to have... not to mention it's touchy and could lead to body/shame issues since she is starting to develop.


----------



## Norabella (Mar 14, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


I think what PPs are trying to point out is that if respect and communication (which are important to most posters here) are parenting practices that you try/claim to follow, then *your DD's opinion* should be one of the opinions that matters.


----------



## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> So I have read everyones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading everyones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.
> 
> I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" bc y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


I'm a bit confused as to why you bothered asking our opinion since it seems that you had your mind made up from the very start. While you may not agree with all of the replies I would suggest that you listen carefully to some of the thoughts posted here as they come from a place of "been there, done that" and you have been given some excellent advice.

Honestly no one here even insinuated that you were a pedophile but I will admit that I found you checking her for growth every 3 days to be extreme. Considering it's obvious that she wants a bra I would be afraid that she would grow terribly self conscious if every three days you check her for sufficient growth only to tell her again that she isn't ready for a bra.

And why do so many people have a say if she is ready for a bra - I have always felt (after being a self conscious early bloomer) that the minute a daughter of mine asked for one I would never question why, whether she needed it or not. Unfortunately many little girls have self esteem issues these days, I would hate to think that my refusal to buy her a bra would make it any worse an it has to be. It's just not worth it.


----------



## elus0814 (Sep 21, 2009)

I don't think you, OP, are a pedophile by any stretch but I know that if my mother had checked my breast development every three days I would have been very uncomfortable and felt that something was wrong with me that needed such constant monitoring. You may have reenforced this when you snatched the new bra away. That action would have said to me that my development was something to put off and would have made me feel ashamed for getting breasts.

I wanted a training bra for a couple years before my mom was willing to give me one. I was a 13 year old B cup before she agreed. I felt ashamed and wrapped my chest with an ace bandage everyday from the time I was 10 and call it a strapless bra so I could feel like the other girls. I was ashamed for having breasts when I was around my mom. I was ashamed for not wearing a bra when I was around girls my age. The boys would point me out to one another. I was always very self conscience growing up because I didn't do the 'personal' things that the other girls did, that difficulty with feeling like my body if different and not good enough to be taken care of continues.

I think you should give the bra back to your daughter with an apology. You can take her shopping for her first 'real' bra. I've seen some fancy training bras and you could, to yourself, think of grandma's gift as just underwear while you are getting her actual bra. Chances are they didn't really 'shop' for it but grandma just picked it up if it was asked for. You can be the one to


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TCMoulton*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Seriously. Why is it anyone else's decision if this pre-teen girl gets to own and wear a bra? I actually think it's a little creepy that a parent checks for development frequently and consults with other family members to come to a conclusion that *she* - the individual here - is not ready. I would have hated that, and felt self-conscious and even icky, if it were me.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

If your exMIL makes a habit of ignoring you preferences to be consulted on all aspects of your dd's life, then I'd start a thread about that over in Personal Growth. =D

That said, it does seem like your dd is the one who wanted a bra and arranged to get one. Would you be bothered if your dd had used her own money? Or if exMIL had, with your okay, given your dd some shopping money and then your dd used the money on a bra? Just some ideas for you to separate this situation from the past.


----------



## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Wow, OP, why is your DD's normal development such a big deal that everyone (except her, and apparently your MIL) in the family gets to weigh in and pass an opinion. What's next? Is a family intervention planned for the day she starts her period?








I would understand how you MIL could have been out of line if your DD didn't feel like her budding breasts were a big deal and the MIL made it one and forced a training bra onto DD. However, YOU are making it a big deal. It's such a big deal apparently that the situation needs to be monitored every 3 days and a verdict on the BRA issued. You are sending a message to your DD that decisions about her body do not belong to her. That is seriously not cool.








It seems you came here looking only for agreement with your point of view, rather than asking for advice. Please put your emotions aside and listen to many mamas who shared their wisdom with you.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> So I have read everyones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading everyones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.
> 
> I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" bc y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


You... Her dad... Step dad... Your parents... When does she get to have a say about her own self. It's her body, her puberty, her growth, which means that her opinion should have more weight than all of those in this case. Yeah, even more weight than your opinion. Why? Because it's her body, her comfort, her self esteem that matters.

You said the her grandma bought her the bra when she asked for it. It sounds to me like your exMIL is the only one taking into consideration your daughters thoughts and feelings on finally developing into a young woman. It also sounds like your history with your exMIL is affecting how you view the situation.

I'd apologize for not agreeing with you... But I'm not all that sorry about it. At some point you need to start treating your daughter like a person with thoughts and feelings that are independent of yours.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife*
> 
> Seriously. Why is it anyone else's decision if this pre-teen girl gets to own and wear a bra? I actually think it's a little creepy that a parent checks for development frequently and consults with other family members to come to a conclusion that *she* - the individual here - is not ready. I would have hated that, and felt self-conscious and even icky, if it were me.


I'm a little weirded out that so many people have been consulted too. DD was the only person DH and I consulted on the matter when the time came. Heck, we had planned for her to go with her grandmother to get her first bra and she asked for me to take her.


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife*
> 
> Seriously. Why is it anyone else's decision if this pre-teen girl gets to own and wear a bra? I actually think it's a little creepy that a parent checks for development frequently and consults with other family members to come to a conclusion that *she* - the individual here - is not ready. I would have hated that, and felt self-conscious and even icky, if it were me.


It's very icky. It's not like she's looking for a corset.

Child: I would like a training bra.
Parents: Sounds great. Let's go this weekend!

The End.

Checking for growth? Consulting various people? Confiscating the one she managed to get?

This is really not typical or healthy behavior. I really would urge you to let down your defenses and think about it some more.


----------



## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> So I have read everyones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading everyones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.
> 
> I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" bc y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, stepdad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


No-one's suggesting that you're a pedophile, just that physically checking your daughter's development is becoming increasingly insensitive as she gets closer to puberty. She's not 5 anymore - she's developing a sense of privacy and becoming self-conscious about her body. Sometimes as a parent we lose perspective and see our kids as younger than they actually are. They grow so quickly that it's hard to keep up!

I hated having my mother in the changing room with me from about 10 years old & onwards, but I was too shy to tell her that. Your daughter may feel the same way. That's all we're saying.


----------



## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

I don't think you've come across as a pedophile, but someone holding power over her prepubescent daughter to the point you rob her of autonomy and possibly instill shame.


----------



## MisaGoat (Jul 10, 2006)

My two thoughts:

1) From just the shopping trip, it doesn't really sound like your MIL is overstepping her bounds. I understand there is a lot of history which may cause you to be more sensitive about boundaries with her, but just judging this incident it doesn't seem like she is. I have a crazy MIL and I have come around to realize that just because she is crazy doesn't mean she isn't right sometimes or doesn't make efforts to do things that are just nice, despite the otherwise crazy and often mean person she is.

2) Remembering how I felt at your daughter's age: Getting a bra when you are just developing is a sign of modesty, not wanting to attract boys. I would be very self conscious walking around without a bra on now or when I was that age with buds. It may not seem like she needs one to you but from her point of view it probably feels very obvious that she has breasts. Also I presume when we are talking about a training bra it is essentially an extra layer, like a camisole but that doesn't cover the belly, not some padded, wonder-bra contraption.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Pedophile?? Wow, OP, your Freudian slip is showing! No one insinuated that you were a pedophile but that that you seem hyper focused on the biological aspect of your daughters body while basically ignoring her emotional needs. She spoke to you on her own (which is a GREAT thing!) but you shot her down, and in not so many words said YOU would decide when she was "ready". Obviously she still felt the need and turned to the one person who appeared to be listening to her.

And based on your response it is clear you do not value your daughter opinion. Instead you have made it clear to her that everyone else in her life opinions are more valuable. This is very dangerous in a young child's development. If she is being told her thoughts, ideas, concerns, opinions about her *own* body are to be ignored how will she handle future pressures??

I also noticed that you did not mention her DADS opinion or his parents. Are they not included in the "most important people" in your daughters life?? Are you deciding that for her too? If she didn't feel her grandmother was important do you think she would have chosen her to turn to when her own mother wouldn't listen?

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *conferred*
> 
> So I have read every ones responses. I still feel the same as I did before reading every ones responses. I'm not a pedophile looking at her nipples like y'all are hinting towards.
> 
> I had a whole long response but erased it. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I feel I am doing the right thing. In hindsight I wished I wouldn't have asked "what you thought or would do" BC y'all aren't living my life, and I'm not living yours. The most important people in her life(me, her dad, step dad, my parents) that are around her ALL THE TIME agree that she isn't ready. We are all on the same page, and that's all that matters.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kawa kamuri*
> 
> I don't think you've come across as a pedophile, but someone holding power over her prepubescent daughter to the point you rob her of autonomy and possibly instill shame.


----------



## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MisaGoat*
> 
> 2) Remembering how I felt at your daughter's age: Getting a bra when you are just developing is a sign of modesty, not wanting to attract boys. I would be very self conscious walking around without a bra on now or when I was that age with buds. It may not seem like she needs one to you but from her point of view it probably feels very obvious that she has breasts. Also I presume when we are talking about a training bra it is essentially an extra layer, like a camisole but that doesn't cover the belly, not some padded, wonder-bra contraption.


I agree with this. When I was 10 or 11, I was where your DD is at, physically. In actuality, they were small buds that probably *didn't* need a bra, but I was horribly self-conscious about them & remember thinking that a bra would make them disappear (I don't think, in hindsight, they were that visible, but that doesn't really matter. In my mind, I was Dolly Parton.). My mother wouldn't get me a bra either, probably for the same reasons you have mentioned, and I was too embarrassed to push the issue, so I wore big bulky sweatshirts all the time and that was probably when I learned to walk and stand with my shoulders hunched forward. This went on for several years, well into the 8th grade, when finally my mother just went out and bought me one. I really DID need one at that point! If I'd had a grandma at that time who took me shopping and bought me a bra without making a big deal of it, I would have been so relieved! It's such a little thing and can save your DD so much embarrassment in these ridiculously self-conscious years. Why don't you take your girl out and have a nice shopping day? Have lunch together, get the bra, have fun


----------



## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Honestly, I think that the benefits of a training bra are typically more psychological than physical, especially to a young girl.


----------



## organicmom3 (Oct 7, 2009)

I'm wondering why you bothered asking for others opinions if you are going to stay close minded and not listen to some very sound advice here. I think we are all just voicing concern over your daughter's well being based on our own experience....giving you what you asked for. I hope you will continue to ponder over this....it is important for the relationship between you and your daughter. This can turn into bigger things...and you want your daughter to respect and trust your thoughts and trust you will listen to hers.


----------



## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> I feel for the OP, a lot.
> 
> ...


This,

OP I know how you feel. MIL is very much the same way. DD is only a toddler so it isn't major issue to DD but to DH and I we have real problems with this.

Just a couple of examples. We bought DD a very special (very expensive, sigh) stuffed puppy. We live with MIL and when MIL saw how attached DD is to puppy she literally went out the same day and bought 2 other stuffed puppies and has tried to force DD to like them.

I was shopping online for a coat for DD for winter and I told MIL what I was doing because she asked.

Later that evening after DH got home from work MIL came downstairs and "gave" us a winter coat that she just knew DD would love. She literally went out and bought a winter coat the same day I said I was buying one.

It is this same pattern ALL THE TIME. We buy DD something, MIL turns around and literally buys a variation of the same thing then desperately attempts to make that thing she bought far more appealing to DD...

It is truly one of the most annoying things I have to try and not freak out about. The coat thing pushed me over the edge and I ended up donating the coat MIL got right away it made me so angry.

I don't doubt you when you say MIL did this on purpose because I can totally believe something like that happening. I have lived it and it is infuriating. My own MIL still claims, that DD said her first word in front of MIL, walked first in front of MIL and MIL taught her how to do all the little things she can do/say...I hate it but we try to keep the peace so I generally let it slide. I am just waiting patiently until we move out and then it won't be tolerated at all anymore..

I can't imagine how angry this must have made you, actually I can. I totally disagree with taking away the bra from DD who is not at a fault here.

The real issue is your deeper issues with MIL, this was just a catalyst for your anger that has been simmering. It could have been any number of things that pushed you over the edge. Deal with MIL but don't punish your DD for the issues you have with nana.

FYI, I don't want to be rude but if my mother told me she had to "check me" every 3 days for breasts I would have screamed my head off in protest. I find that incredibly intrusive at an age when girls are getting really personal about their bodies!


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *marinak1977*
> You are sending a message to your DD that decisions about her body do not belong to her. That is seriously not cool.


This was kind of in the middle of a post, and I think its really the most important thing thats been said so far.

I understand your feelings, and I'm really sorry that you feel the opportunity to buy your dd's first bra was taken form you. That would hurt my feelings, if I had a dd, and I'm sure I would be very sad about that. You are entitled to your feelings - whether we like the way you feel or not, they are YOUR feelings - thats OK. We can't always control our feelings - what we CAN control, is how we ACT on those feelings - that is what everyone is taking issue with.

By making it everyone elses decision whether your dd needs a bra, and not taking seriously your dd's request, I'm afraid you may be setting yourself up for a huge breach in communication. I have no doubt that your dd will find a way to get another training bra - but now she knows that she can't tell you about it. She knows that if she tells you about it, you will take it away, and continue checking to see if she needs a bra. My parents never did that. Thankfully, I never had self esteem issues - but thats probably b/c the only thing my parents ever said about my body was that I was beautiful. They only made positive comments about my looks, and never once insinuated that I should/shouldn't wear a bra, and I think thats probably part of why I never had self esteem issues.

Good luck OP, I think taking a serious look at how you approached this, and decide whether it really is that important that your dd not wear a bra.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

nak

slightly o/t, but i wonder what the criteria of readiness actually are...?

i got buds at 10 and was a d-cup at 12. I wasn't "ready" according to my mother either, when i had buds. One day my dad saw me skipping (jumprope) with 2 friends with my arms across my chest and the next weekend i was taken to get a bra.

my mother thought teenage girls were little whores. she called me a little whore for going on BCPs. i still don't know what her criteria of readiness for the holy ownership of bra was. from the way she treated me during the bra shopping trip either i still hadn't met them or i had and doing so had made me a Bad Person.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GoBecGo*
> 
> nak
> 
> ...


We must have had the same mother - first you were a bad person for even thinking about something as adult/dirty as a bra before you "needed" one, then you were a bad person for growing up and actually needing one.


----------



## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

With compassion for the mother AND daughter, and considering what has already occurred.

If it were me, and I had done what the OP has done.....

I would have a sincere heart-to-heart with my child. I would tell her that I wanted to be there for her to lean on while growing up, and that loving mamas make mistakes too. This would hopefully open up the doors for healing and better communication in the future. You could hopefully determine what a good damage-control path for daughter might be...does she want the bra back from Gma? Is she equally content to choose a different one?

And, I would take a few sessions with a counselor about dealing with grandma and my own other issues/resentments. For real. This is big, big stuff.

Grandma needs to know that it's not her place to make decisions about your daughter's clothes. And you need to step up and show that you're not in need of help. This means getting way fluid with not projecting sexual behavior onto your daughter's physiological development.

But I do still agree that Grandma shouldn't have done that.


----------



## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

I am a christian too. IMO, a training bra, worn under clothes will not make your dd grow up faster or draw attention to her in a sexual way. It's symbolic at this stage but it sets the tone for how you will respect your dd's body as she grows.

My mom wanted me to wait to shave until I had hair on my legs. It caused me anxiety because *I* thought I was ready.

Checking to see if she needs a bra every few days seems like a boundary violation. You are sexualizing the whole thing more than it is by making it a big deal.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

off topic, but I liked the idea of a kitty bra that was mentioned earlier so and found this


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I'm sorry OP, that this thread hasn't been helpful to you-I see that you've asked the mods to delete. I do hope that there's something that resonates at some point with you. You have a fantastic opportunity to connect with your dd about something that is important to her. This truly doesn't have to be a negative experience. I so hope your hear a little of what's been offered.

If you read this thread with any regularity, so many of us have those moments where more seasoned moms have stepped in to offer their perspectives. I've had this experience here often, and sometimes what I've read has rocked my world a little, and I've had to go away and really think about it. Sometimes my views are challenged, but in the end, parenting an adolescent challenges a lot anyway!


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham* 
It's to help with rubbing/irritation at the start and then holding those bad boys in later in life. Lol she plays with my bras at the house and dress up and I'm fine with that, but she knows that she's still a kid and that she doesn't need to grow up faster than she is...she has her ENTIRE life to be an adult.

So, why do you have a problem with your DD relieving the irriation? Is it more childlike and innocent to put up with it than to wear a garment to relieve it?

My mom had a good comeback to hearing about this...wearing a bra and makeup and trying to look older than she is, will attract older boys...and that WILL NOT happen right now or in the short years to come. She needs to be focusing on God and how to live her life as a Christian, not what boy likes her.

She was wearing a training bra, and there was no mention of makeup or trying to look older than she is, or indeed any mention of boys. I kind of doubt boys have the x-ray vision to tell if a girl is wearing a training bra.

You can still live as a Christian wearing a bra, you know.


----------



## Eeyore35 (Aug 2, 2009)

I don't think you are a pedophile, but checking your daughter's breasts isn't appropriate unless she has a concern and asks you to. It just isn't. Respect her privacy. I wish someone had told my mom this, and i wish she she had listened.

And I agree with everyone lese who has said you are telling her her opionion on her body doesn't matter etc.

Violating your daughter's privacy can damage your realtionship with her forever. i speak from experience.


----------



## jenniferadurham (Apr 6, 2008)

Ok, seriously...I have asked this to be deleted and it won't be..fine ok I understand that nothing has been violated to MDC standards. However....I get emails whenever someone responds to any thread I have posted in which are mostly my DDC, but they do come from this post. And I am really done. I am basically 36 weeks pg and every time I see an email coming from this thread my bp sky rockets and I get upset...rightly so bc I'm tired of this stupid thread. I MADE A MISTAKE IN MAKING THIS THREAD. I'm not reading what you are writing me...bc I don't care anymore. I'm asking for it to please stop. I DO NOT WANT TO GO INTO LABOR BEFORE I NEED TO. Can y'all at least understand THAT?? I need to stoop stressing about this. And I REALLY need the PM's that are telling me how ridiculous I am to STOP. I really like MDC and don't want to be pushed away from it....


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

You have the ability to edit your subscriptions so you don't get emails from this thread. If it's that much of a problem for you, then go to "my profile" and click on "edit subscriptions" under your user avatar.


----------



## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Training bras really serve 2 purposes. There is the physical purpose and the emotional aid in helping a girl deal with her changing body. Your daughter might feel the changes even if you don't see them and a training bra might make her feel more comfortable. It is her body, not yours (or her fathers or anyone else) to micromanage.


----------



## purplepaperclip (May 19, 2008)

I would feel very shamed and embarrassed if my mother had reacted to my body's NATURAL development in the manner you've described. There is nothing sexual in wanting to wear a bra. I think you are projecting some very potentially damaging views on her. I promise training bras are not the gateway drug into luring older boys into premarital sex.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

What did you expect her to say? She obviously knows you don't approve, she's a child and doesn't want her mother mad at her so of course she told you whatever you wanted to hear. Plus I am positive she knows more about the dynamic between you and your XMIL than you give her credit for. The poor kid has now been put in the middle in addition to being shamed, humiliated and disrespected.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jenniferadurham*
> 
> I'm done debating over my decisions that I think are right or wrong. I am DEEPLY sorry I ever started this thread. There are tons of things that I could explain....but its not worth it.
> 
> ...


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I just want to make it clear that I am aware of this thread, and I appreciate the care you have taken not to violate the user agreement. Because this is a message board, we assume that most topics are read by many people who may of may not comment, and so the discussions aren't only for the benefit of one person but for many who may be struggling with the same questions (or may deal with them in the future). Anyone can unsubscribe to a thread at any point and not receive any further replies - we're happy to help members figure out how to do so if necessary, because things have changed a bit with our new format.

We won't all agree on every topic, and that's okay. We do hold core values related to some topics like breastfeeding and spanking, but with subjects like bras for teens and relationships with in-laws we're open to different opinions, framed respectfully.


----------



## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

when I started wearing a bra, I STOPPED attracting boys. I was made fun of in 5th grade for my buds. At that age, kids are trying to look for them at least in my experience. My breasts also grew overnight and too quickly to get a bra before getting made fun of some more in school. I still vividly remember enjoying myself at a school event outside when a boy and a coed group of his friends started laughing at me and telling me I need to start wearing a bra because of how bad my boobs look. I was 10. TEN. and already getting sexually harassed for my boobs and it wasn't because I was wearing a bra to 'lure older boys.' No boy has ever cared about a bra I was wearing.. just the bras I wasn't.


----------



## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

The original post was already deleted by the time I got to this thread, but I really don't see the big deal with a girl wanting a bra, whether she "needs" it or not.

My daughter was 9/10 when she asked me to take her to get some bras. She didn't need them physically, but she was heading to her Dad's for the summer and thought she might want/need them there, but wanted to go with me for them. She wore them a few times, then they sat in the drawer until she went to Dad's. Dunno if she wore them there. Then they came back... and sat in the drawer. There came a point when I felt she might be more comfortable wearing one, which is what I told her, but left it up to her. Her body, her choice.

OP's apparent stance makes me feel as though she thinks there's something wrong, or shameful, about her daughter wanting to wear a bra. There shouldn't be. Even if the only reason she wants one is because all of her friends do. She should feel proud of her body - no matter what it looks like. What's Mom gonna do when she wants to wear thongs? This Mom takes her shopping.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

OP for your own piece of mind I hope you have gone into the thread subscriptions and deleted your sub to this one, that way you won't get any more notifications.


----------



## MsBirdie (Apr 29, 2007)

I am confused because on another thread about "9 year old breast development" the OP commented that her DD came to her with sore breasts.

It sounds like the bra was needed psychologically or physiologically; however hugs to you for a MIL who bought something that was deemed important and special. I think I would have been upset as well, but not have taken it away from DD. The damage is done, but no reason to make the situation worse. My mother used to cross the lines sometimes and has learned a quick phone call can make a big difference.

As a fellow Christian, I do not feel a bra will hyper sexualize a child, but can be seen as a form of modesty and growing into a beautiful young woman.

Also, I do not feel sexuality is something to be ashamed of, but something that needs to be discussed with the morals that are consistent with God's view. It is imperitive that our children feel comfortable coming to us instead of the world for guidance and understanding about thier bodies. Once that communication is gone, it can be hard if not impossible to get back.


----------

