# miscarried an unexpected third baby - any advice for getting over this loss?



## mamatosaskia (Sep 20, 2005)

Hi,

Dh and I were set on two kids (I was always open to a third). I was unexpectedly pregnant with a third that ended in a missed miscarriage in June (I was 11 weeks). I went through the gammet of emotions when I found out I was pregnant. I am in a PhD program and I would have been due on New Year's Eve. Dh and I very briefly considered terminating, but I couldn't do it. When we finally got our heads wrapped around the idea, I started spotting and miscarried in June, right before my dd and ds's birthdays (they are three days apart). I thought I was fine, but recently one friend delivered her third baby and today, another friend told me she is expecting #3. I can't talk about it without crying and I am so depressed. I can't help feeling, when I look at my kids, that someone is missing around the table. Dh is not open to a third child.

Any advice to move on? I still feel like my family isn't complete, but I don't know if dh will ever get on board for a third.

Thanks for your insight.

JJ


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## BetsyPage (Mar 5, 2004)

I don't have any answers for you, but I'm in a similar place, though dh is not opposed. Don't feel "complete" but I had an unexpected pregnancy which ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks on May 1st... got pregnant in my 2nd cycle after that loss, because we realized that we were OK with a 3rd child. Sadly I found out a week ago today that my baby didn't have a heartbeat... chose to have a D&C the next day.

It's just really hard. Right now I'm just dealing with 2 losses in a 4 month period... I think I will pause for a bit and try to get in a better place emotionally/physically before trying again. But I know that feeling, I think I am more "on board" for another one than dh is (he is OK with it, but OK with how things are now). It's hard to know what to do, plus now I have anxiety about how things will go. Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be my problem, but with two losses (likely for different reasons) it now feels a bit overwhelming...


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I just lost a fifth pregnancy, unplanned, and in my heart probably not as wanted as it should have been.

Process the loss first. Then take some time evaluate your life. A new baby doesn't replace the old loss.

It seems like simple mama math sometimes, but unless you are both ready and onboard...

Also if you had another loss you want your dh on board if you want to try until you succeed.


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## j and js mommy (Jun 4, 2012)

im at a similar place (moreso with BetsyPage as dh isn't opposed to another) but our loss was our 2nd son and at the finish line-37 weeks. the whole preg i worried/freaked about how are we going to do this-our first born wont even be 2 yet....bla, bla. i was finally excited about this little baby in the 3rd trimester-it took me that long yet every argument my husband and i had flung me off the deep end thinking again i can't handle another child yet, i dont know if i want this child. then we were robbed of him in late May-cord knot. just yesterday i was holding julian(2 yrs) and situating him in my arms pretending, trying to figure out how would i hold both of them at the same time? i often stop and ask-if Jackson was here what would i be doing instead of this? i miss him so bad.im so mad at myself for thinking those selfish horrible thoughts.

mamatosaskia you sound like you have a serious career underway, maybe let that be your focus for now-DO YOU, for a bit, and see what happens. maybe hubby is saying no because he is looking out for your interests/career too although it is hard for you to put yourself first right now. all i wanted after my loss was to be pregnant again-immediately. i read that it is natural instinct for a mother with a loss to desire to be pregnant again. that's exactly how i felt.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

We weren't ttc.

I took the pregnancy, and loss of control very hard and then the loss.

I felt so guilty I didn't 100% want that baby and nor did he.
I understand the need to "replace" the lost pregnancy.

I am glad that I didn't, and am not sure I ever will.

In a perfect world, but this sure isn't it!

Grieve the loss, even if you had mixed feelings.

I was shocked how upset I was over losing this baby.

It wasn't time, it wasn't within my control.

This loss exposed a lot of past trauma and feelings of being out of control.
I am working on all of that now and tell myself when I am healed,

only then do I look at having another if my dp and I want one.

And that's doubtful.


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