# UPDATE #27 and 29 - Nice, polite, cute (and effective) ways to say no gifts?



## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

My MIL is throwing a first birthday party for my daughter and inviting 50+ friends and family. It's more of a party for the adults, of course, and more of an excuse to get together than it is a party. We live in a tiny apartment and are lucky enough to have everything we need for our daughter. We also really don't want to start a gift-giving bonanza every holiday and would like to set a precedent of "please don't get us stuff" now.

We would like to say no gifts (meaning no presents, no money, no contributions to her college savings account, no nothing). Is it possible to say this in a nice, polite way while getting the message across? I don't want to say no presents and then have people think we're asking for cashing instead, which I consider to be the height of rudeness.

Is this a losing battle and should we just go with it? Should we just graciously accept gifts and then donate them to charity? Has _anyone_ navigated this successfully?


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## nini02 (Jun 28, 2007)

: I'm wondering about this too...


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## Writerbird (Jun 1, 2007)

There's no way to do it "properly" in that to say no gifts would be to imply that a gift is expected.

You have to wait until someone ASKS, and then you say "oh, no, the only thing we want is to see you at the party." If they push you can say "we're very fortunate and we've got everything a little one could possibly want besides more time with you." And if they still push you say "really, we don't have an inch to spare for more stuff. If she had more stuff she wouldn't have any room to play."

And when you get stuff anyway, you return it to the store.


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

We threw a suprise 60th birthday party for my dad in december. We knew he wouldn't want gifts of any kind, just the opportunity to hang out with friends and family (some of whom travelled great distances to be there).

On the invites, we had wording to the effect of "Your presence is gift enough for this celebration." Something like that. Yes, a few people still brought a few gag gifts, but for the most part, people respected it.

If you are serious about not wanting people to bring stuff (and I do not blame you if you are), you should indicate it on the invites, even if it is a minor ettiquite faux pas.


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## kailotus (Nov 15, 2007)

Almost everyone I know put on their invites 'Please no gifts'. I don't think anyone I know is too worried about being polite though! I have gotten invites that say 'in honor of so and so's birthday if you would like to bring a gift, please just make a donation to an organization of your choice, or just plant a tree!'. I think if you don't want gifts then just say so. But, like I said no one I know is too concerned with etiquette, so take my advice with a grain of salt!


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KLM99* 
My MIL is throwing a first birthday party for my daughter and inviting 50+ friends and family. It's more of a party for the adults, of course, and more of an excuse to get together than it is a party. We live in a tiny apartment and are lucky enough to have everything we need for our daughter. We also really don't want to start a gift-giving bonanza every holiday and would like to set a precedent of "please don't get us stuff" now.

We would like to say no gifts (meaning no presents, no money, no contributions to her college savings account, no nothing). Is it possible to say this in a nice, polite way while getting the message across? I don't want to say no presents and then have people think we're asking for cashing instead, which I consider to be the height of rudeness.

Is this a losing battle and should we just go with it? Should we just graciously accept gifts and then donate them to charity? Has _anyone_ navigated this successfully?

If you invite 50+ people to a child's birthday party, you are going to get alot of gifts. There is no way you are going to convince that many people that it is okay to attend a childs birthday party empty handed.

You said it really was just an excuse to get together...and she doesn't know the difference...so I think the only way to avoid gifts is to have a party, but not make it about your daughter's birthday.

It is easier just to have a family/friend get-together.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ians_mommy* 
If you invite 50+ people to a child's birthday party, you are going to get alot of gifts. There is no way you are going to convince that many people that it is okay to attend a childs birthday party empty handed.

You said it really was just an excuse to get together...and she doesn't know the difference...so I think the only way to avoid gifts is to have a party, but not make it about your daughter's birthday.

It is easier just to have a family/friend get-together.

I agree, and to spare everyone the details, lets just say it wasn't my idea. I was hoping to make MIL happy by letting her have the party AND make us happy by not having to come home with 50 gifts


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Writerbird* 
There's no way to do it "properly" in that to say no gifts would be to imply that a gift is expected.

You have to wait until someone ASKS, and then you say "oh, no, the only thing we want is to see you at the party." If they push you can say "we're very fortunate and we've got everything a little one could possibly want besides more time with you." And if they still push you say "really, we don't have an inch to spare for more stuff. If she had more stuff she wouldn't have any room to play."

And when you get stuff anyway, you return it to the store.

This is how I lean too - I think I'm overly concerned about etiquette sometimes and agree that none of this is really "proper." I guess I was hoping someone had a magical statement that made this whole excessive gift-giving culture go away!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Different perspective:

I also love the idea of "no gifts." However, I've come to understand something while dealing with my mom.

For many people, giving gifts is their personal way to show affection. Being TOO firm about "no gifts" can be really painful to those people. And because giving a gift is how they show affection, giving away that gift would be synonymous with rejecting their affection.

Just food for thought.


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## cherimoya (Mar 23, 2008)

I would just let whatever happens happen. You could always donate the toys, clothes etc later to kids who need it!

Personally I love buying/making presents for family/friends; I put a lot of thought (I try to) into presents and I'd like to think that most people like what I give them. I must admit that if I got an invite that said "no presents" then I'd probably make some home-made icecream or a cake or something yummy like that......I'd have a tough time not doing something.


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## justthinkn (Apr 11, 2008)

We put a line saying "No need to bring a gift - REALLY - your presence is gift enough." Maybe it's not proper, but it's honest and for many people welcome! The only thing I found awkward was that because a few people, mainly family, brought gifts anyway, there was an expectation that we would open in front of everyone. I had no problem with the people who wanted to bringing gifts - it was sweet of them and a way that they wanted to show that they cared - but I was a little worried that the others who didn't would feel bad in retrospect or think we really hadn't meant it, when really we did!


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## lovetobemama (May 16, 2007)

I agree that, for some people, there is a lot of joy found in giving gifts. I don't think there is anything wrong with accepting gifts that are lovingly given, and then just giving them away to more needy kids.
Good luck!


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

I would put on the invite something like "please, if you would like to give (kid) a gift, make a donation to (the charity of your choice, like Humane League or LLLI or something like that) at (donation website)." I've found this is the best wording to not offend people, and most places give the child a certificate stating that Grandma donated in her honor or something like that.


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## PatchChild (Sep 1, 2006)

We run into the same challenge with my in-laws. They just really, really love to gift. Almost every time we see them they have something new for my DS. Yikes. At this point we've pretty much just given up, and we make lots of charity donations.


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## TefferTWH (May 13, 2008)

My ILs go nuts at Christmas and they think we're practically abusing our son because we only give him 3 gifts on Christmas (if it was good enough for Jesus...) and one for his birthday. What about telling those who ask that she'd like gymnastics or music classes? My son's gym has a program where people can give money towards the next session's lessons.


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## myfairbabies (Jun 4, 2006)

Maybe the best way to appease the gift givers would be to say no gifts but if they would like, please bring an unwrapped toy to be donated to the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots or some organization like that. Or in lieu of presents, write a special note for your daughter to read when she's an adult or something. Then put them in a small box and tuck them away.


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## MovingMom (Jan 6, 2007)

I'm planning my son's 1st birthday as we speak and I am going to put 'no gifts please - your presence is your present!' on the invitations.....We definitely don't need more stuff!

I would like to know of a tactful, polite way to ask for money for lessons, classes, etc etc. We take a gym class, swimming class, art class and part time preschool - boy, i'd sure love some money to go towards all of that!

Anyone have any ideas?


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

"Your presence is our present."

Some friends of ours had that line on their wedding invitation. While I understand the ettiquette behind not implying that a gift is expected, I think that in this day and age of excess, it's okay to assume that people are going to bring gifts to birthday parties and weddings, and that they need to be told explicitly not to.

Anyway, I like it because it's cute (punny), and direct without specifically telling them to shove it.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *notyetamommy* 
Or in lieu of presents, write a special note for your daughter to read when she's an adult or something. Then put them in a small box and tuck them away.

OP again - I really like this suggestion, thanks. I agree that some people may really enjoy giving presents and will feel resentful that we are denying them that. Maybe those type of people would enjoy writing her a little note of advice for life or something like that instead. Thanks!


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MovingMom* 
I would like to know of a tactful, polite way to ask for money for lessons, classes, etc etc. We take a gym class, swimming class, art class and part time preschool - boy, i'd sure love some money to go towards all of that!

Anyone have any ideas?


And OP one more time! Just to be clear, I'm asking for ways to ask for NO gifts (as in no presents, no cash, no money for her college fund, no nothing). I'm on the hardcore etiquette side of this, even with registries - There is no polite way to ask for money instead of gifts.

And I think I'm going to have to accept that there's no polite way to ask for nothing at all either! I think we'll either ask for letters of advice or just leave the invite blank and quietly donate anything we get.


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## ladyleigh (Dec 5, 2006)

What about just saying all gifts will be donated and specifying a cause? A friend did this for low income moms- when we arrived at the birthday party they had a red wagon set up for gifts that they wheeled down to the local WIC office.


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## aja-belly (Oct 7, 2004)

since your mil is the one doing the inviting, maybe you can have the gifts be stuff for your dd to have at her house? my mom and her co-workers (elem teachers) had a grandma shower for one of their friends where everyone brought some stuff for grandma's house.

people are going to want to do something. you can try putting no gifts or the only present we want is your presence or something, then if people push it you could have a charity in mind to suggest or something.

good luck!


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## ohiomommy1122 (Jul 7, 2006)

tHIS IS WHAT i HAVE DONE, WHEN YOU SAY NO GIFT PLEASE PEOPLE STILL FEEL THE NEED TO BRING ONE sorry bout caps so this is what I have done/ said

We would love for you to celebrate bLAH BLAH BLAH with us. Fortunatly we are blessed to have all we need so please bring only yourselves. If you feel the need to bring something we will be donating all items to those less fortunate for example .... batterd womams shelter, foster kids, orphanges, needy whatever you choose

this has worked everytime people don't feel guilty then for not bringing anything and if they do bring something its going to a good cause


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## mkmoro311 (Oct 23, 2006)

What about donations for a charity or the carbon footprint the party caused!


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

We will be having a Baby BBQ after our little one is born, and I intend on putting

"Please bring your well wishes in lieu of gifts."

on the invites. It is not quite as in your face as "no gifts!" and some people will always bring something no matter what (it IS really fun to shop for a little one). I think at best you will cut the number of items down, not out entirely.


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## want2bmoms (Feb 8, 2008)

let them buy gifts, many people like to give more than they like to recieve, if there's something there that you know yout LO will really love, then trade it out for something they already have and donante one item to charity for every iten recieved (it doesn't matter if it's a *new* item or and *old* item) your local child protect agency can really use it to help provide things for LO who have nothing, your local battered woman's/homeless shelter will do the same, as will your church (usually) social services office, thrift shops, etc. if you don't want to put the effort into dropping it off, (and you havfe a baby, who could blame you?) freecycle or craigslist are great options, as well as the cerebral palsy group, and other disabled foundations, will opten set up a collection at your house.
It's a good way to start VERY early showing your little one how to avoid being a pack rat and how to contribute to the community, plus, it lets the givers (one of the love languages) feel that they are showing your LO how they feel about them. And, as a bonus, you are being very polite, gratious, and giving even more back to your community!


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

OP here - so what we finally decided is to include a little card with the invite that said how lucky our child is to have enough toys and clothes and that what she really needs is life advice. I gave some examples of advice, like how to ride a bike, how to deal with your first breakup, or a good quote or story to share. It turned out really cute, and we're getting some great feedback. I can't wait to hear what people write! We've decided we'll quietly donate any gifts we get anyway. Yay!


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## painefaria (Jul 4, 2007)

"your presence is your present" but be advised that most people don't listen and brings stuff anyway


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

So we had the party and nearly everyone brought gifts anyway!







Everyone said "I know you said no gifts, but I just wanted to bring something!" I feel very fortunate to have such generous people in my daughter's life, but jeez!


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

Sounds like a nice big tax writeoff! What generous friends!


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## nausicaamom (Feb 8, 2006)

Frankly the only way around it is to just make it a party - I did a "park day" for my son's 4th birthday and invited a few friends to meet us at the park for some play and light refreshments with no mention that it was his birthday. They "knew" it was his birthday but this way we could all pretend it wasn't because honestly he really didn't need anything else and I didn't have to tell them no gifts.

If I received an invitation for a birthday party specifying "no gifts", I would probably still bring one because it's a birthday party and that's what you do. Heck, even for regular parties I still bring something - a bottle of wine for the hosts, etc.


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## Dea (Sep 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KLM99* 
So we had the party and nearly everyone brought gifts anyway!







Everyone said "I know you said no gifts, but I just wanted to bring something!" I feel very fortunate to have such generous people in my daughter's life, but jeez!

I agree with everyone who said to donate. You are very blessed, many are not.


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