# I hate to join here



## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

But I have to.

I had an u/s last week on Thursday, due to some cramping. I was at the end of nine weeks. We found out we were having twins







but they were only at seven weeks and no heartbeats were found









We went back for a f/u u/s yesterday, and the babies hadn't changed at all. My doctor said that most natural miscarriages start to process themselves about four weeks after the baby stops growing, so I could have a natural, but it wasn't recommended. We decided to have a D&C, scheduled for Friday. My body still thinks it's pregnant, and I have pretty awful m/s. I just didn't want to continue having these reminders, and having nothing to show for it.

Luckily, I'm surrounded by wonderful IRL people who have been very supportive, and many who have BTDT and they are a great source of comfort to me. I've heard wonderful things about this board and hope to find the same thing here.

Right now, I'm struggling with not being bitter. How do you deal with that? I've never been so angry and miserable as I was this morning puking up breakfast. I'm scared to allow myself to feel that way, even for a little bit.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

joshs_girl;8782944 said:


> But I have to.
> Right now, I'm struggling with not being bitter. How do you deal with that? I've never been so angry and miserable as I was this morning puking up breakfast. I'm scared to allow myself to feel that way, even for a little bit.


I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an amazing group that no one wants to need to join.
For me I allowed myself to feel anger. As far as I was concerned the rug had been lifted from right under my feet and I had every right to feel whatever I wanted. I also allowed in some envy for every big preggo belly I saw. I say there is no wrong emotion. And as far as staying there your two oldest kids just like my boy will help keep you grounded. I'd think of my emotions like a train that I'm letting pass by.
SO sorry for your loss. We are here for you.


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## nicksmom03 (Nov 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a lot of bitter feelings and lots of sadness, especially at first, not really anger. I think all of these feelings are normal and unavoidable. I'm feeling better now but it's still tough some days. I will be thinking about you as you get through the next couple of days and hopefully your surgery will go smoothly. So sorry you are here but hopefully you will find some support. (((Hugs)))


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little ones. You can feel whatever you want...mad, bitter, sad, angry. I've gone through a great range of emotions, and even now 5 months later I still have sad and angry days.

I hope your surgery goes well and your physical recovery is as painless as possible. There is a lot of support here.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)




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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet twins







. I think that you need to try to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel, whenever you need to feel it. In my opinion, that is a lot less dangerous to you and your healing and your family than trying to deny your true emotions. I guess my thinking is sort of that it sucks enough that we have to have these horrible losses, I refuse to make it even worse by pretending it doesn't. It's ok to be whatever you need to be at any given moment. You will get through this. We all will.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

There are no words to make this any easier. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. It's horribly, horribly unfair.

And the m/s is like a knife when there's nothing good to come from it.

But this will pass. I, too, had a d&c with my first loss - I waited and waited, three weeks, and nothing happened on it's own. I just couldn't handle the waiting any longer - and you know, the d&c wasn't that bad at all. My recovery was rather easy and the m/s went away a few days later.

Time passed, and eventually I wasn't crying everyday. While I wasn;t happy, I was able to get through most days in some sort of reasonable state . .. slowly. Very slowly. Be pateint and gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to feel the bitterness and anger. It will pass that much faster. Lean on the women here . . . we can help, if only by listening with the understanding that only others who have experienced this loss can offer.

Thinking of you, and sending you peace and strength.


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## willow659 (Feb 26, 2006)




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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

Katherine -- I hate to see you here. We were part of the same ddc, and it was so sad to see you go.









There is no easy way to get through your losses. Give yourself grace and allow yourself to process through your losses without rushing. Take all the time you need. I'm glad you found this part of MDC -- the support here is phenomenal, and has/is integral in my life personally.


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## FiberLover (Feb 6, 2007)

Hugs, peace and healing be with you.

Let yourself experience emotions as they come, and grieve.

I can't believe I'm where I am now, a few months after my miscarriage, I thought I'd never feel better. You will, in time, and love.


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## mum5 (Apr 10, 2004)

Hope all goes well on Friday.
I am sorry for the loss of your babies


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

-Angela


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## sewinmama (May 3, 2004)

Huge Hugs! I hope the surgery goes well.
Peace and love to you and your family.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

Thank you all so much mamas.

I go for my D&C today. I feel (or maybe it's just in my head, but either way, I don't care) that my body has realized it's not pg anymore and is starting to m/c on its own. I've had the smallest amounts of spotting necessary, and have an unusual sticky CF that I've never had before. Regardless of if these are actual m/c signs or not, for my emotional health, I'm treating them as such.

I've been bitter and angry and just sad the past few days - but my H has been incredible. He's said the healing can't really begin until after today, and so, to just feel and act however I want. He's been such an amazing support. I'm not sure how I would have survived with out the support of him and you mamas that have BTDT.

Thank you.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Katherine, I'm so sorry for your loss. For me, that time between finding out my baby was gone and having to wait for the surgery was the worst kind of pain. I couldn't bear to still look pregnant and know she was dead.
I hope your surgery went smoothly and that you are feeling (physically) okay today. Emotionally, it's a long road, indeed. Like a lot of the women here have said, whatever you are feeling, go ahead and feel it. Angry, bitter, overwhelmingly jealous, regretful, sad, wondering "why me?", lonely -- it's all normal. It does get better as time passes, although, I like to say that "better" is a relative term. The sadness does become both less acute and less all-encompassing.


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