# I Feel Numb



## MommatoGray (Feb 9, 2011)

My spotting started at 7w2d and I am now 8w4d and it has not stopped. Because I had no pain the MW was not concerned and said things were probably fine. I woke up this past monday and just felt different, knew that my intuition was right. I took one of those clear blue pregnancy tests with the fertility indicator that tests your Hcg level. Of course its been 3+ weeks for quite some time, well monday morning it had gone down to say 2-3 weeks. After a week of feeling a little ignored or just crazy I called in and asked for an emergency ultrasound. For me, news is better then no news. I just wanted to now what was going on.

Fast forward to after the ultrasound. I am measuring two weeks less then I should and there is no fetal pole to be seen. The dr. proceeds to say this isn't that uncommon cannot say that this pregnancy will end in miscarriage. Nice, beautiful high sac. Absolutely no solid clarification of what is happening. So still have to go endure more waiting over nine days of blood tests.

I feel like I know that the baby has stopped growing. It seems like I have this weird sense of optimism but no matter how you look at it the test said my Hcg was coming down. And that is not a good sign. I feel such a mix of emotions. I feel sad, I feel confused. I am worried that I may not carry another baby. I have one boy who is almost two. I feel just sick over this. Please if anyone has any encouragement to pass along I would love.

Thanks ladies for giving me a comfortable place to turn to.


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## danube (Jan 18, 2012)

What a tough thing to go through. I don't have any advice but I'm thinking about you.

Big hug...


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I had the same thing, the wait was horrific in so many ways of being "sorta pregnant" but not.

However in other ways it gave me a safe place to grieve for two weeks and softened the "its 100% over now" ultrasound.

We can never fully give up hope and although rare there are odd things that can happen, although unlikely.

You are still pregnant until you are not you're not.


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## MommatoGray (Feb 9, 2011)

Well our sweet babe is now in her Fathes arms. I birthed her at home naturally last night. It all still seems surreal and I just feel empty. And Shiloh you were right, I am happy that I had these last two weeks to say goodbye, to talk to her and cry. The saddest part is that I haven't been able to even tell my husband because he is in a part of the country that has no cell service and the phones/electricity go down often. I feel so bad that he has to come home to this news tonight.


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## jgallagher66 (Jun 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## danube (Jan 18, 2012)

tearing up as I read your post. so sorry


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## unuselyriver (Aug 13, 2012)

i am so sorry


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Hugs!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

So sorry mama.


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## dayiscoming2006 (Jun 12, 2007)




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## MommatoGray (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone, it helps to have people who understand. I am feeling a little brighter, my sweet boy keeps me going









I have a whole range of emotions and lots of questions/worries. Wondering where I should post?


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

post here!

We're here.


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## MommatoGray (Feb 9, 2011)

Thanks again! Shiloh I ended up posting on the main board about progesterone. I also have concerns about thyroid. To be honest may better questions tommorow, I am going to see my NP. She has all my labs so we will see what she says. And I will keep you updated and inundate you with many more questions!!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I think its normal to look for answers, look for a way to control the most variables so that if there is a next time you won't fall prey to anything overlooked.

However it is also useful to remind yourself that if crack addicted, smoking, alcoholic, starving, unhealthy women get pregnant and stay pregnant that pregnancy isn't as delicate an operation as we think of it as. I wish there was more study that went into mc. As women we really would feel comforted by answers not statistics.


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## MommatoGray (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you for saying that! You read my mind and if I were being 100% honest my little bits of anger and bitterness










But yes, I do think my quest for information is part of my grieving process. I actually already feel better since talking to the NP, I just wanted to ask all my questions and have a plan! So she said everything looked great, above average actually. She was surprised at how everything was at such a good level. What I also like about her is she has a much stricter view on numbers that the doctor would say is "normal." So even my thyroid looked good, it was 1.57, she said the doctor looks at it to be good if it is under 4. But that she likes to see it under 2.

The thing she could not look at was my progesterone level, because my MW would not fax it over.







So she put me on chaste tree (berry) to help regulate everything and up the progesterone. Then I was looking in my herbal guide and it said not to use while pregnant?? Although she said it was fine, anyone know? I started it today.

I have also been looking at finding natural progesterone. I guess she used to be able to prescribe it, but now she can't. Anywho, I am on the search for paraban free cream. I found one called Progesterelle. It is an oil, looks like its just progesterone and coconut oil. Its on amazon, I could not add the link???

Anyone have any reccomendations or thoughts?? Thanks


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