# MIL and Old Baby Stuff



## GoldmanBaby09 (Apr 7, 2009)

So, tell me if I am being unreasonable about this. . . My MIL has been kind of weird my whole pregnancy (this is her first grandbaby) and she told me yesterday that she has a crib and car seat from when my husband was born that she wants to use at her house for our baby. The crib has been disassembled in her garage for 26 years, and the car seat is just as old. I have tried to tell her that even new baby items are recalled on a regular basis and I wouldn't feel comfortable with the safety of her using those things. Besides, if the baby was going to stay with her (which will NOT be often), I would bring his PNP and leave his new car seat with her. She just got this look like she had no idea those could be unsafe, and maybe she wanted to use them more for sentimental reasons, but I don't want to risk my baby's safety for her nostalgia. Am I way off base on this?


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## LaughingHyena (May 4, 2004)

I defiantly wouldn't budge on the car seat. In fact I would probably try an take it to dispose of myself just in case.

For the crib I think my big worries would be lead paint and the spacing of the bars. There is online info about how to check if the bars are safe and I think you can buy test kits for the paint issue. I would want a new mattress too.

I explained that my kids didn't nap well at other places and we found taking the pack n play with their familiar bedding helped them to sleep. No one argued (though neither set of parents wanted a cot set up at their house anyway)


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Tell her you'll investigate if the crib is safe since it's so important to her, but the carseat needs to be thrown away. And by thrown away I mean cut the straps and slash through the seat fabric and maybe even take a hammer to the plastic just to be 100% certain no one tries using it in a car.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

The car seat would absolutely be non-negotiable to me. They expire after 10 years, at the latest!!

I'd be willing to look into the crib though. Obviously, get a new mattress. But if the bars are properly spaced, I might use it. I'm not sure how accurate the lead tests from hardware stores are, but I may want to use one of those as well.
Would they list recalls on products that old? I'd do a check on that as well.


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## BlueEyedLady (Jun 13, 2006)

My mom has used some of my old baby stuff for DS, but I've looked at and been fine with what she's chosen to pull out (mostly toys).

Definitely a no on the car seat. My mom didn't understand that one either at first, until I just told her that the laws have changed now from what they were when I was a baby and that was that. Once she had a source of authority other than ME she gave in easily on that one.

The crib I would feel fine using assuming the paint and the bar spacing is okay, and you can check those easily enough. I would get a new mattress, though.


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## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

I'm with PPs... the crib may be OK, if checked for sturdiness/slat spacing/w a new mattress. But dear God who doesn't know you can't use a 26 year old carseat??


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## GoldmanBaby09 (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeminijad* 
I'm with PPs... the crib may be OK, if checked for sturdiness/slat spacing/w a new mattress. But dear God who doesn't know you can't use a 26 year old carseat??

That was my thought too! I can understand saving things (why you would want to have a car seat taking up space in your garage for a quarter century is beyond me) but that seemed outlandish to me. And even if the crib is slatted correctly and not made with lead based paint, I don't know that they have the instructions to properly put it together or all the nuts and bolts that are supposed to be there. I certainly wouldn't want my ILs to "wing it" in putting it together. I think I am going to stick to my guns and make sure she understands I don't want her using those things with my kid. He won't be there enough to warrant something so permanent as a full crib anyway. I just hope I don't have to watch for her using things like this behind my back.


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## RunnerDuck (Sep 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoldmanBaby09* 
And even if the crib is slatted correctly and not made with lead based paint, I don't know that they have the instructions to properly put it together or all the nuts and bolts that are supposed to be there.

Putting a crib together isn't really rocket science.







I remember panicking because we lost the instructions to my son's crib and then realized, hey, it's perfectly simple to figure out.

If your husband is 26, odds are the crib does not have lead based paint. Lead paint was no longer used in houses after 1978 - I would assume if they knew the dangers they wouldn't use it in baby gear either - but who knows, it could have been a hand me down even then. The lead kits you can buy at home depot are fairly reliable so long as you are not testing red paint. So test it, check out the slats, get it assembled and see if it seems sturdy - and get a mattress... your kid will sleep much better in a crib than a pack n play as they get older and heavier. Of course if it still worries you - you can snag a good used newer crib for $50 or less... so a second crib need not be a major expense... but you might also find you kind of like knowing your baby is sleeping where DH slept.

As for the car seat, that's just insane.

I'd like to see a picture of the antique car seat though, LOL - make sure you take pictures before you chuck it!!! I have vague memories of my car seat as a child but I wish I knew for sure. I remember an overhear bar with metal arms, fake leather padding... I'm a bit older though, 32...


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## soccermama (Jul 2, 2008)

Absolutely not!! I encountered the same things when I was pg with DS - the first grandchild - and some of the things that she bought for him. First it was a car seat with no LATCH mechanism. 2nd, it was another car seat not in great condition - obviously used (having no clue if it had been in an accident or not). While I am grateful for them getting these things and we did not request that they do so, it just made H and I feel uncomfortable that they really thought that these items were okay to use!







:

So for the past couple of years, if MIL is at a garage sale or out shopping, she calls H or I first to get our opinion.

This is YOUR child. You have every right to speak up and put your foot down.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

We actually used my old crib for my first son. But here are the disclaimers -- my mom took excellent care of it, it was packed up in her climate-controlled home and not in some garage exposed to the elements. She had it completely stripped and re-painted before I got it. She went over every piece of the metal parts to be sure there was no rust, etc. We measured it to be sure it was up to current safety standards as far as the width between slats, etc. and we purchased a brand new mattress.

I would be skeptical of anything that came out of my MIL's garage, but maybe that's just me.







At the very least, anything stored in a garage might be more prone to rust or have had critters inside..


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## gingerbane (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RunnerDuck* 
Putting a crib together isn't really rocket science.







I remember panicking because we lost the instructions to my son's crib and then realized, hey, it's perfectly simple to figure out.

If your husband is 26, odds are the crib does not have lead based paint. Lead paint was no longer used in houses after 1978 - I would assume if they knew the dangers they wouldn't use it in baby gear either - but who knows, it could have been a hand me down even then. The lead kits you can buy at home depot are fairly reliable so long as you are not testing red paint. So test it, check out the slats, get it assembled and see if it seems sturdy - and get a mattress... your kid will sleep much better in a crib than a pack n play as they get older and heavier. Of course if it still worries you - you can snag a good used newer crib for $50 or less... so a second crib need not be a major expense... but you might also find you kind of like knowing your baby is sleeping where DH slept.

As for the car seat, that's just insane.

I'd like to see a picture of the antique car seat though, LOL - make sure you take pictures before you chuck it!!! I have vague memories of my car seat as a child but I wish I knew for sure. I remember an overhear bar with metal arms, fake leather padding... I'm a bit older though, 32...









:

I don't see what the big deal is with the crib. Especially if, as you say, the baby won't be there that often anyway.

Let them set up the crib and if you want, bring a pack and play with you as well.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoldmanBaby09* 
That was my thought too! I can understand saving things *(why you would want to have a car seat taking up space in your garage for a quarter century is beyond me)* but that seemed outlandish to me. And even if the crib is slatted correctly and not made with lead based paint, I don't know that they have the instructions to properly put it together or all the nuts and bolts that are supposed to be there. I certainly wouldn't want my ILs to "wing it" in putting it together. I think I am going to stick to my guns and make sure she understands I don't want her using those things with my kid. He won't be there enough to warrant something so permanent as a full crib anyway. I just hope I don't have to watch for her using things like this behind my back.

Oh, my family would definately save baby things that long.

I am (throat-clearing) close to 40 and my aunt saved my stuff, used it for her children, gave it to me for DS and fully intends for me to save/return it so she can use it for her _future_ grandchildren.

My aunt is the most loving, gentle, natural woman/mother out there but when it comes to mainstream _modern_ ideas such as lead paint and carseats, she doesn't give stuff like that a lot of thought.

Frugality out weighs, in her mind, possible risks from something like lead paint. I am not saying this it right, only that I can see how some people just don't get it.

I solved the carseat issue (not my carseat, such things weren't used then) by saying something like "the fine for an unproperly restrained child is very high."


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## jnet24 (Sep 4, 2006)

I would never use the carseat. That is way too unsafe. I would allow her to use the crib after you check it for safety. IME the relationship between mil and dil get pretty touchy when the first grandkids come along. If she thinks a carseat that old is safe, I am sure many more issues are going to arise btw you both. I think it is important to kinda give and take. Really how often is he going to be using it?? As long as it is safe what is the big deal? If you get frustrated at all the little things you disagree with it is really hard to get your point across on the big issues. What I mean is it might seem to her and your DH that you are being petty and tidpicky and from my experience does not make your DH support you. My DH's family has always used a little portable crib thing, his grandma was put in it when she was born. I had planned on cosleeping but the crib was such a big deal to everyone that after I checked it's safety I took it home, took a few pictures with DS in it, gave them copies of the pictures, and my lo have never touched it since. Sometimes you just bend a little. I would let her keep the crib up if it makes her feel like she is part of the excitement. It is her first grandchild, and as long as the crib is "safe" than what does it matter if she puts it up? Trust me bigger issues will come soon, and I think it is helpful to start off on a positive note.


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## MaryTheres (Mar 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoldmanBaby09* 
So, tell me if I am being unreasonable about this. . . My MIL has been kind of weird my whole pregnancy (this is her first grandbaby) and she told me yesterday that she has a crib and car seat from when my husband was born that she wants to use at her house for our baby. The crib has been disassembled in her garage for 26 years, and the car seat is just as old. I have tried to tell her that even new baby items are recalled on a regular basis and I wouldn't feel comfortable with the safety of her using those things. Besides, if the baby was going to stay with her (which will NOT be often), I would bring his PNP and leave his new car seat with her. She just got this look like she had no idea those could be unsafe, and maybe she wanted to use them more for sentimental reasons, but I don't want to risk my baby's safety for her nostalgia. Am I way off base on this?


No, you are not being unreasonable and do not budge. That generation does this for some reason and I think it's a sentimental thing, my mil was the same and she sort-of acted like I was being overly-protective for not wanting her to use a 30 year old crib for my son (who keeps this stuff this long anyway?)... We bought a p&p for their house to avoid her even thinking of putting the crib together. We had to be very firm with her about it. She also has all her children's toys from 30 years ago, and she drags them out and really seems to love that DS is playing with something her son played with as a child. Personally, I think it's weird... maybe I'll understand when I am grandmother


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## prettymatty (Feb 2, 2009)

Wow...The carseat is definately an issue that shouldn't be budged on. If you have to get your point across in a really blunt way, go on the internet and go to You Tube. Show her videos of what can happen when a child/baby is in an unsafe/old seat. She sounds like she means well but as I'm learning with my mil, they don't really get it until you physically SHOW them what they want to do can be dangerous or prove it by professionals (doctors, etc). Fortunately the only things my mil has passed down from my 32 year old dh are some baby sleepers & blankets. Some of the non gender specific clothes we put on baby and I use the baby blankets regularly. Anything that I didn't want to use I just put in a bag in my closet and if she asked about them I just said the baby outgrew them.
As for the crib I would test the paint, check the slats, check for recalls or anything like that, either you or her get a new mattress and go ahead. As long as it's safe & sturdy then why not? Like a pp said, it might be kinda cool to see your baby sleeping where your dh slept. On the PNPs, they are super hard for a younger person to put a baby into, can you imagine doing it when you are in your 60's or older? That would definately not be easy on back or hips.
In my case I have found that if I choose my battles with my mil (as long as it isn't endangering my kids) my life is a lot smoother. We stand firm together as a couple when telling her about things that she CAN'T do with the kids (such as taking them to her apartment where she smokes like a steam engine). My best advice is just be straightforward (in a nice way) with your mil. Be consistent in your "rules" for the baby and stand firm but not unreasonable. The baby is YOUR baby!


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## GoldmanBaby09 (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jnet24* 
IME the relationship between mil and dil get pretty touchy when the first grandkids come along. Trust me bigger issues will come soon, and I think it is helpful to start off on a positive note.

Quite honestly, it might have a lot more to do with my relationship with them than it does the actual crib. My MIL has been emotionally distant (though she physically lives right down the street) my whole pregnancy, has said multiple, multiple times that she does not want to baby sit our son (though I quit my job to stay home with my baby when he gets here and I'm not looking for a sitter) and then she pulls this crib card, which kind of feels passive aggressive to me, anyway. Why does she want to dedicate a room to a child she is so adamant about not having stay there? I don't know, I guess those are issues with her I will have to work out myself.


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## jnet24 (Sep 4, 2006)

Maybe she says she doesn't want to babysit to have you say, but we would really like for you too. YK like inflate her ego. Tell her a bunch of ways it would help you guys out. I am unsure and those comments would be hard to deal with.

I know exactly what you are going through. Not the crib issue, but MIL is the most passively controlling person I know. Everything has to be her way, her time, and everyone just listens to her. I just really found that I lost my DH's support when I started to complain about everything. I got him on board when what I was complaining about had hard evidence of why it shouldn't be that way. If I was in your situation I would explain to my DH how unsafe a used seat is, show him plenty of videos, and insist that they destroy that seat. I would make him broach the subject with her, bc than I wouldn't have to deal with her explaining why it is okay no matter what you say. And then with the smaller stuff I would vent like crazy to friends, my mom, and anyone who would listen why I can't stand my MIL and let if go, or at least not bring it up to my DH









I really think you are right about it being about your relationship not really the crib. My MIL insisted on holding DS the second we walked through the door. If I said he needed to nurse she would watch me like right over my shoulder and the second he stopped sucking she would annouce "okay grandma's turn to hold him" She would try holding him even though he was wailing, and say things like "oh Grandma loves to hear you cry " and when I would take him she would get VERY upset and say "oh you were fine I don't see the problem." I would get so worked up inside about stuff like this and I would think of what I should do if she does A or B and I should say C and D but if she did E and F then I should.....I would stress myself out at the mer thought of seeing her and be on edge any time I was around her. When my son was born he picked up on my uneasiness about her and would literally scream everytime she looked at him. He is now just starting to feel comfortable with her, mostly because she leaves him alone to see the new baby









I don't know your MIL, but the only way I can deal with my MIL is to remind myself that she really cares about my kids and has a good intentions (most of the time ) Since my children are soo important to me, I don't want to ruin their chance at a relationship with a grandparent that truely cares about them. So sometimes I bend a little, and other times I really stick to my guns. I think it is important to do both. It really does get better, but prepare for it to get much worse when the baby actually comes and that I what I meant by my post. Sorry if I offended you in any way, I just know how rough it can be for you, DH, and your lo. Good luck.


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## Labyrinth (Apr 14, 2008)

Here's some crib safety info
http://babyproducts.about.com/od/rec...tiquecribs.htm

Quote:

Use the following list of CPSC guidelines to determine whether your old crib is safe to use.

* The mattress should be firm and tight-fitting.
* There should be no missing or broken hardware or slats.
* Slats should be no more than 23/8" apart (about the width of a soda can).
* Corner posts should not be higher than 1/16".
* There should be no design cutouts in the headboard or footboard.
The corner post issue is important to note- children died from strangulation getting their clothing caught on upraised posts.

I, personally, would say thanks but no thanks. I know someone (A Child Passenger Safety Technician) who is collecting antique car seats for a museum exhibit- there is some public info in this post on car-seat.org http://www.car-seat.org/showthread.p...296#post806296 , the information for swapping is on a semi-private forum. If MIL is interested, it might be a useful use of the seat







.


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## slimkins (Dec 22, 2008)

For the car seat... can't you direct her to the closest Child Seat Fitting Station. You can tell her that you have to have your car seat checked (knowing that it will never pass inspection) and let them give her the bad news. I'm sure she will take it better coming from someone with "credentials". That is only if you want to avoid the situation. I think it would be better if you just stated how you felt and stuck to it. This definitely won't be the first time you but heads about how to raise _your_ child. Might as well get her on track as soon as possible with how you want things done.
Good Luck!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Wait...she lives right down the street, and wants a crib for your baby in HER house?
I was thinking that it would make sense if you all had to travel a few hours to get there and ALL spend the night.


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## GoldmanBaby09 (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Wait...she lives right down the street, and wants a crib for your baby in HER house?
I was thinking that it would make sense if you all had to travel a few hours to get there and ALL spend the night.

No, she literally lives 2 miles and 2 streets away from us. I would agree that it might make more sense if we had to go far to see her (like my parents live 250 miles away). Further, it will be a long time before I would feel comfortable leaving my child over night with ANYONE, and especially with her wanting to use things that I feel are unsafe, will make me even more leery of me leaving him with her. If she doesn't understand why things things might be unsafe, what else would she do that I feel isn't safe when I'm not there to watch her, you know?


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## GoldmanBaby09 (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jnet24* 
Sorry if I offended you in any way, I just know how rough it can be for you, DH, and your lo. Good luck.

No offense at all. And if my MIL was watching over my boob like that while I nursed, I might have to throat punch her. Well, maybe not quite that, but I would not be happy about it. I know that those relationships can be difficult, even in the best of times. I am hoping that she will be more receptive once the baby actually gets here. And she hasn't really been around kids since her own were little 25 years ago, where as I have spent the last several months "studying" to be a mom, and hopefully she can be respectful of the fact that I know a few things about how I want to raise my child.


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## NewMama2007 (Mar 4, 2007)

I would NOT budge on the car seat one bit. That is not an area to mess around with, IMO!

The crib...well, if it's painted, you can do a lead test. For safety's sake, the crib slats should be no more than 2 3/8 inches apart if you are going to put a child in there. If there are any big cut-outs, it's also a no-no.

MIL gave us a bunch of scratchy old outfits from dh's childhood...we just packed them away in the basement. I think she really wanted to see our little girl in almost 30 year old BOYS clothes, but EW. They smelled like moldy basement.

My mom, who we see probably 4-5 times a week between my house and hers and lives 2 minutes away has a PNP for naps and her own car seat. I think my MIL bought that stuff, but we never go over there because she refuses to make her house child-appropriate (pointy kitsch everywhere!), so it's never been used if she does have it.


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