# Anyone else having hypochondriac issues after loss?



## Jenabella (Jan 8, 2007)

Hey everyone,
It has been a while since I have posted. I just want everyone to know that I read every post, but it has only been 7 weeks since I lost Annabelle and sometimes I am just overwhelmed with emotions reading and cannot write or I just don't know what to say. I hope that I will be as supportive as some of you have been to me in the future.

Today, I met with my OB and we went over lab results. Everything came back normal, but I am borderline for diabetes. However, he just said to watch my diet and exercise. He ordered more tests that I asked for (all the blood clotting tests) and chromosome testing on me and my husband. He believes that this was a "fluke" cord accident, but he wants to relieve my anxiety as I have completely become a hypochondriac in the aftermath of losing Annabelle.

I don't know how to trust my body anymore. Every ache I think is something horrible. Is is normal to have aches and pains in grief/postpartum? I ruminate on every physical reaction I have. From dry mouth at night, to joint pains, to oily hair, to my foot falling asleep...it is bizarre...but, it scares me. I am so scared that I don't deserve to have another baby and so something awful is going to be wrong with me that is going to prevent us from trying again. I know these thoughts are crazy, but grief does strange things.

Can anyone relate???? Well, I hope everyone is doing well and I keep everyone in my thoughts. Your posts are so comforting.....I can't believe it has been over 7 weeks...I miss you my sweet girl.....

Hugs,
Jenabella


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## 5thAttempt (Apr 22, 2006)

I can relate. I had many m/c and after each one I noticed that I had some strange symptoms that made me to see many different doctors. They all did a lot of testing but found pretty much nothing.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Oh man - after my first m/c - I was so neurotic! Every twinge had me talking myself out of a panic. I joke about it a little (like calling myself neurotic!), but it was very stressful. Time does help with that.


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## zilchie (Oct 8, 2006)

I could have written your post! I'm currently waiting for my third m/c. My neuroses are increasing all the time. It really sucks because after a while I begin to doubt what's real and what's not real. Before this started happening to me I considered myself a basically positive person, but now it's hard to believe that anything in my life will ever be ok again--it goes way beyond just reproduction. I'm trying to counteract with improving my diet and exercising more and trying to relax with yoga and meditation and journaling. But it's really hard, and I am still depressed a lot.

I hope you find some peace soon, and things work out for the best!


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

what you are feeling is 'normal'. losing a baby is a trauma to your mind, your body, your spirit. and grief can manifest itself in actual physical pain.
all of what you wrote are things i felt after we lost our daughter (coral rose, she was born stillborn 03/05 at 41w5d).

you don't trust your body, because your body was the vessel growing your baby. it is natural to feel responsible some how, especially when you are told that her death was a 'fluke'. it is important to remember that while you may feel responsible, it was not your fault, and if you could have, you would have done anything to save her. i worried and worried about everything and anything i could recall in the days prior to coral's death. what did *I* do wrong? i thought because i ate so much peanut butter that i caused her to go into anaphalactic shock because maybe she had a peanut allergy. i thought i introduced infection by taking evening primrose oil, or having sex to get labor started. and i thought i did something wrong somewhere on a spiritual level to have brought this tragedy upon myself and my daughter. it went on and on and eventually i talked about these fears with a therapist and was able to put them into persepctive. it is unbelievable hard to accept the death of your child, plain and simple, no matter if there is a reason to be had or not.

in our culture, if you make it past 12 weeks, you are 'good to go'. i believed that nothing could happen bad after 12 weeks. that stillbirth was something that happened only in the past, or in 3rd world countries. isn't that aweful? but i am a product of what i learn around me, and this is what i was led to believe, and i was never told otherwise. so to lose a baby in the second or third trimester, it is shocking. how could this happen when we were 'good to go'? did you know that 71 families A DAY in the u.s. lose a baby to stillbirth? i was in a state of shock when we lost coral. i didn't know it then, but losing a baby can cause post traumatic stress disorder. ptsd can bring feelings of hypochondria. you feel susceptable, vulnerable. you realize that life is fragile, and obviously it can be taken at any moment. so you worry more about everything. the safety of your family and friends, your ability to live at all. and it really suks to be overwhelmed with all of these fears when you are actively grieving your daughter- that is hard enough, without additonal side affects coming at you from all directions.

in my own experience, those fears faded. some of them i adressed and quelled, and some stayed with me, but they have become less intense. the physical pains from depression and grief and ptsd, they faded too. it is important to remember that you are post-partum, and your body doesn't 'know' what happened... so your hormones are a little whacky, and it will take a little time to regulate again.

i am so sorry, again, that you have gone through such a sad time, and that anabelle isn't here with you.

it helped me to know that people actually do survive the death of their baby. somehow you learn to accept the greatest disappointment. the grieving process is long! it is good that you come here for support- you are not alone in this particular kind of loss, and you don't have to suffer it on your own. it helped me to talk about each horrible feeling and stage with a therapist. there may be a support group that meets near you? if you don't have access to this kind of support, you can still make it through. keep your feelings 'fresh', try not to bury them, honor the feelings of loss. i was told it takes about 2 years to actively grieve a loved one- i think it might take more when you've lost your baby. it is so hard. she was real, she was so loved, she was so close to you. i am so sorry.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

I can totally relate to everything you are going through. I was actually also recently told by a doctor that Frankie's death was the result of a fluke cord accident, and that it shouldn't happen again. But it is still very hard for me to trust my body after I feel it failed Frankie. Since Frankie died, I get very nervous and worried about everything. If DH is late, I assume he was in a car accident. If DD coughs, I think she is choking. And when I leave the house, I think, what if I get into a car accident today and my daughter has to grow up without me. I think that after losing our babies, we realize just how fragile life is and that anything can happen at any moment. I have found a lot of help going to a local support group. It took me a while to find one, but once I did, it really helped to be around people who are going through the same thing as us.

Thinking of you and your precious Annabelle.


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