# Stillbirth of Precious Duncan



## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I attempted to write it a few times and finally got it all out. Official birth story:

My husband and I had been planning a homebirth this pregnancy and we were ecstatic about it. Before learning about Duncan's passing I was counting down the days to his impending birth. I ordered last minute things for the birth and was in good spirits. Much of that changed when after ordering some stuff for the birth I noticed I hadn't felt him move or his hiccups in the last day or two. In the back of my head I thought everything was fine. I have a doppler (the kind some midwives and OBs use) that I had since my first pregnancy and thought to use it to reassure me. I don't like using it, but I thought it would give me peace of mind and reassure me everything was okay. The doppler was on its last leg and was a hassle trying to get heart tones because it kept dying out. After maybe five minutes I pick up a what I thought was his heart beat which read 136. I found it low and in front. I thought everything was good.

As the day progressed I didn't feel him move at all. Something just didn't seem right. I first checked for his heart tones around 9:00 am. I checked again at around 2:30 pm. This time after trying for 10 minutes I just knew something wasn't right. I tried every place I could think of. Another 30 minutes went by and still nothing. Being almost 35 weeks I should have been able to pick up his heart beat anywhere, but I wasn't getting anything above 108, which was mine. I decided to rest and see if I could feel any movements. I thought if I took it easy then maybe he'll wake up. In the back of my head I just knew that wasn't the case. I decided to get up and go search for a 9v battery to replace the dying one. I replaced it and still nothing. I was getting a ton of feedback, though. Very annoying. By this time DH came home from work and asked how long I had been trying. I said, "Too long. Over an hour." He had a feeling, but wanted to remain optimistic.

After not getting anything back I called my midwife to tell her what was going on and she got worried. She wasn't as worried about me not feeling as much movement because I had the excess fluid and that can sometimes muffle the baby's movement. She was concerned about not being able to pick up his heart beat. She asked if I wanted her to come to the house and check to hopefully reassure me that all was okay. She arrived and noted how huge my stomach was. I was 34.4 weeks and my fundus measured 47 cm (equivalent to 47 weeks). I had so much fluid. It was now her turn to try and she tried and tried for about 30 minutes and didn't get anything. We were set to go to the hospital. I called and spoke to a nurse and she transferred me to a CNM and I told her what was going on. I wanted to bypass triage and head straight for an ultrasound. During this whole time I knew he was gone, but it hadn't hit me yet.

DH stayed home with the kids while my midwife and I headed to the hospital. I was going to call him as soon as it was confirmed. We get to L&D and the NM greeted us at the front desk. I made sure to tell her that I was really 34.4 weeks. I'm sure she was thinking there's no way, simply because of how big I was. Now it was time for the ultrasound. It didn't take her long to tell me that she wasn't seeing what she wanted to. She went ahead and got the OB on duty that night and he confirmed that Duncan had passed. So many things were whirling about in my head. He noted the abnormalities he saw -- my fluid level and there looked to be some calcification on the placenta, which isn't normal at this point.

The OB and NM left to give me some privacy and said they'd have the chaplain come up to talk with me. The tears started to flood and I started to feel really numb. I called my husband to tell him of the news and I could tell he wanted to stay strong for me. My midwife was so kind to ask a doula friend of hers to watch the girls since we don't have family here. My husband arrived with the girls and I was so relieved to see Eve was asleep. I wasn't sure how they'd handle being up since it was getting late. I called my mom and some friends to let them know what was going on. That was rough. Having to break the news to family and friends. DH had a hard time telling his family.

After we had some time to ourselves the OB and chaplain came in to talk to us about what our plans were with inducing labor and when. He suggested not to wait longer than a week. I wanted to be induced ASAP. He told us that they can induce that night. Since it was already around 10:00 pm, we figured it would be in the morning. We left to go pack my things and meet with the lady that was going to watch the girls. My midwife had another patient in labor that she was going to check up on. She was going to come back to the hospital in the morning.

We got home and I packed my things and took a shower. Still completely numb and in shock. It was my worst nightmare come true. Ann showed up and we left. I'm so grateful for her watching the girls. She was so sweet and kind.

The 15 minute drive seemed a lot longer than it was. I kept thinking I had less than 6 weeks to go and he just couldn't be gone. He seemed so active and well days prior. What went wrong. We arrived at the L&D floor and were met with very sad faces. The nurses were so wonderful and attentive. I knew it was going to be a long night. Nothing is ever quick in the hospital, at least not in my experience. The nurses attempted to start an IV and didn't have much success at first. After four tries the IV ended up going in the median cubital vein (elbow bend). I was stuck a total of nine times by the end of my hospital stay and over 20 vials of blood was taken.

The OB came in to talk about the induction process. He said what's most important to him was that I wasn't in any pain and that I rest. That in a normal situation he wouldn't stress a medicated birth, but in cases like this he doesn't want to see the patient in pain. I definitely understood what he was saying. He told us that given the situation it wouldn't be a normal induction. They were going to be more aggressive with the dosage they use to induce labor. I was hoping to just have my membranes ruptured and see if it could get things going. He wasn't at all convinced my cervix was doing anything at this point. He didn't even want to check until after I was medicated. He didn't want me to be in physical pain while trying to cope with the enormous emotional pain I was feeling.

But hell, an epidural was NOT what I wanted. I like to be in control. I like to move around. I didn't want my lower half being numb. I didn't want to feel paralyzed from the waist down and I sure as hell didn't want to be hooked up to a bunch of beepy annoying machines. I just wasn't sure what to expect with this kind of induction. He brought up cytotec, which is an awful drug used to induce labor. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that drug. He said giving me pitocin if my cervix wasn't ready could backfire and make it a very long and painful process. The same and worse is said about cytotec. I was nervous about this induction process. I was convinced I'd be starting with a closed, high and thick cervix.

Much to my dismay I consented to the darn epidural. Hated the whole process. I felt the anesthesiologist threading the catheter down the epidural space and to the left side. I felt him pushing it in. Wonderful. I knew my left leg was going to be more numb than my right since that is where the catheter was threaded. A kink formed in the line and the anesthesiologist administered lidocaine to make sure it was working. Not cool at all. The epidural was placed at 5:30 am and the doctor came in to check my cervix for the first time at 6:15 am. Much to his surprise I was 4 cm dilated, but Duncan was of course floating around in all that fluid and I wasn't yet effaced, which was to be expected. It was this time he ruptured my membranes. His game plan was to induce with pitocin and it was administered at 6:45 am. Within 15 minutes the contractions started, but didn't register very strong on the monitor. I so hated being numb, but I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and really needed some sleep. DH passed out in the pull-out chair and I dosed off. I woke up in every so often to see what was going on, if anything. I remember waking up maybe close to 8:00 am and I freaked out when I couldn't move or feel my left leg. It just felt like a huge mass or heavy stump. I was getting very anxious and had DH buzz the nurse two times to have the epidural turned off. I hated that feeling. I couldn't move my lower half to reposition myself at all.

The nurse called for the anesthesiologist, which was a different guy this time. He told me what I was feeling was the local block he initially inserted into the epidural catheter. He said it would wear off and wasn't permanent at all. I asked about having it turned off and he advised against it because the new OB on duty was going to up the pitocin to a much higher dose to really get things going. It was around this time the OB came in to check my progress. I was 5 cm and Duncan's head was at -1 station without a contraction and 0 station with one. I wasn't completely effaced yet because for so long he had been floating and wasn't able to put pressure on the cervix to thin it out. So, with the pitocin turned up he said it should speed things up. Around this time my midwife showed up and was my labor companion during this whole process. My excess fluid really did show itself when the contractions started to come on strong. I don't think the nurses were expecting to see so much fluid. It leaked everywhere. There was a huge puddle behind the bed and my midwife was standing in a big puddle. It was like a non-stop gush of fluid. I had these leg cuffs on to stimulate the muscles so blood clots don't form. Interesting gadget.

I was so hoping the whole induction process was going to be over soon. I was able to get a little bit of rest here and there and we all joked about the edema in my legs. Being pumped full of so much fluid really does it. Apparently, my left leg had massive swelling. My foot was huge. They got a good laugh. The mood was lightening up, but I knew that would change as soon as Duncan made his entrance. By 9:00 am I was beginning to feel the contractions, which was weird because my legs were still numb. Finally, I had some feeling and was able to get an idea of where I was at. Contractions actually weren't bad at all. I did feel them coming every 2 minutes and we could see on the monitor that I was getting close to transition. It was around 9:30 am when I told them I was feeling some pressure, like he was descending. My midwife said the contractions were beginning to come back to back. The nurse called for the OB and they began prepping. I started to feel the contractions getting a little stronger along with the pressure. The nurse turned off the epidural pump just in time, which was pointless since I was already capable of feeling the contractions and pressure. The pressure I was feeling at that time was a gush of water and then out slid tiny Duncan. He was so small. He was a little peanut compared to our girls. He was beautiful. Still covered in a lot of vernix. DH and I both broke out in tears at the same time. Finally the whole induction process was over, but now reality hit us. Our son was gone. He wasn't the screaming pink and wide-eyed baby we so wanted. But gosh, he was just gorgeous. We couldn't give him a bath since they needed him to be "preserved" for the autopsy. Duncan Lewis Garibaldi Hines was born on 11/14/08 at 9:40 am at 34.5 weeks. He was 5 lbs., 4 oz and 17 1/2 inches. He was born just under 3 hours after I was induced with pitocin. He had blonde hair like his dad and big feet like both of us.

Moments after his birth I inquired about the placenta. He said on appearance it look normal. Nice and big. Not shriveled or aged. He mentioned the ultrasound picking up some calcification and that the autopsy might reveal something he can't visibly see.

We got to spend over three hours with him. We cuddled and took pictures. The chaplain/bereavement counselor gave us a keepsake box to put pictures in. It came with an outfit, hat, a card for his footprints and a little baggy to put some hair in. He was dressed up in the little outfit and the nurse took his pictures. I loved the time we got to spend with him. I'll forever cherish the time we had together. We got to bond for 8 1/2 months and I will treasure every moment of that time. I could tell DH was trying to stay strong, but it really hit him when he got to hold him. He said he looked like our youngest. One of the nurses said he looked like DH and I agree.

When it was time to give him to the nurse I just broke down. It was so hard to give my son away. I would never get to see or hold him again. After he left I just wanted to sleep. I hadn't had but a couple hours of sleep in over 30 hours at this point. I couldn't wait to be discharged and go home. The OB came back in to check up on us and said 6 hours was the minimum stay. He wanted to make sure everything was alright with me before letting us go. He wanted to make sure I retained sensation in my legs and was able to walk and urinate. I couldn't wait to get out of that ugly and annoying hospital gown. And I wanted some food. Real food. The hospital food definitely wasn't the greatest. The bereavement counselor came in to talk to us about our plans for Duncan. We agreed on cremating him. We wanted to keep him with us. We're also going to spread some of his ashes in a lake in DH's hometown. We were told it would take 3-4 weeks to get the pathology results back and it's certainly one thing on my mind a lot. I'll rest better once we find out what happened.

It's been three days since his birth and each day is different. I think about what could have been and how much I miss him. Coming home without a baby was so hard. I want him with me. I want to smell him and cuddle him. My milk just came in today and I cry so hard knowing I can't nurse him. I want to smell the sweet milk on his breath. I want to wake up every two hours to feed him. But I can't. My baby is gone. Part of me is gone. I try to stay strong for our girls and put on a face and there are times that I tell myself I can get through this and be at peace. DH has been a great support and I know he's going through the grieving process in his own way.

He will always live on in our hearts and memories. I miss him and love him dearly. I have to remind myself that it's going to be a long journey to recovery.

Pictures from the hospital:

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...rintsbw-md.jpg

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...ncan-bw-md.jpg

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...ncan-bw-md.jpg

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...ncan-bw-md.jpg

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...can3-bw-md.jpg

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/a...uncanbw-md.jpg


----------



## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss of your son Duncan.








healing thoughts to you and your family.


----------



## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Oh Brittany.







He's beautiful. I hope you get answers soon.


----------



## Ammaarah (May 21, 2005)

What a beautiful, perfect boy. I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## CallMeMommy (Jun 15, 2005)

Thank you for sharing your story and pictures. I teared up reading it, which is odd for me.

What a pretty baby. I disagree with the nurse, I think he looks like you. I'm glad you got to spend some time with him and have some keepsakes.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm so sorry, Brittany. He's beautiful.


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh hun, he is so gorgeous. What gorgeous babies you make! He is precious and beautiful.

I am hurting for you now - just because of the way I know you must feel at this point. I wish I could give you an enormous hug. But, just keep thinking this: it will be okay. You won't go crazy or fall off the face of the planet...you will be better.

I asked my mum when I had Josie "will I ever feel happy again?" and she said I would. It's been so odd coming out of the fog but you do come out and you do feel normal again - it doesn't seem like you will now - time seems to have stopped probably, but it's true, you do feel normal again and your life will not be ruined by this.

Just be around people who can heal you - people who love you. Cuddles - lots of cuddles - and allow yourself to express absolutely everything you feel, even if you're up one minute and down the next. Another thing is the hormones are still gonna kick in - so some of the crazy feeling you have at first will be the hormones as well.

Anyway I will reply to your PM in a bit.

Huge, HUGE hugs and cuddles to you XXXXX


----------



## Sheal (Apr 19, 2007)

My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. He is absolutely just so beautiful. What a sweet little angel boy.


----------



## sbgrace (Sep 22, 2004)

I'm so sorry.








Duncan is beautiful.


----------



## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i am so, so very sorry...







:


----------



## Draupadi (Jul 19, 2007)

Sorry, Honey.


----------



## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. What a beautiful baby boy. I'm trying not to cry, but thank you for writing your story and sharing it. Take care, mama.


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

You've come to the right place. You will find a lot of support here. I think the thing that has helped me the most is knowing that we are not alone. I just hate to see anyone new joining our 'club' but we all understand what you're going through, how much it aches, how empty you feel, how terribly sad it is when your milk comes in with no baby to feed. Just know that you aren't alone.. come here often, we'll all get through this together.
Sending love and hugs to your family! Duncan is absolutely beautiful!


----------



## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so deeply sorry.

He is absolutely beautiful. I have tears welling in my eyes having read your story.


----------



## eurobin (Aug 20, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful, beautiful baby.


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so so sorry!















You are not alone. Many have walked this journey before, and I offer my hand. If you would like, PM me. Peace to you Mama, you have a beautiful son.


----------



## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

When I first saw your post I thought "Da*n it." We shouldn't lose any more babies. My heart breaks for you.








For your beautiful Duncan. I think he favors you both. Thank you for sharing your pictures.








For your family. In August our second son died 12 hours after his birth. Our 4yo son was devastated right along with us. We took him to a children's counselor which helped us learn how to show him that we were grieving and even while we're grieving for his brother it wouldn't change the fact that we loved him and that we'd be here for him and that his whole world had not just fallen apart (though it felt like ours had).

If you need help explaining it to your kids I'd suggest the book Water Bugs & Dragonflies for a sort of spiritual explanation and When Dinosaurs Die (I think that's the name of it) for an overall explanation.

Be gentle with each other, hold each other and support each other. This forum is a great place for support. The journey to learning to live with this awful grief can be shared and we're here for you.


----------



## milosmomma (May 9, 2007)

Healing thoughts to you.


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Duncan is gorgeous. I"m so sorry for your loss mama. As PP posters have said, you have come to the right place. Everything is so new and painful for you right now...getting through the next minute is a success. Please feel free to continue to write your feeling here, there are many of us who have been in a similar situation. (((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry that this has happened again to another mama.
D.


----------



## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

He's beautiful. I'm so sorry.








:


----------



## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy.


----------



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so very sorry.









He is beautiful...


----------



## Thompson'sMommy (Jul 15, 2006)

He is so beautiful! I can't say that enough! I am so sorry for your loss... Praying for your family.


----------



## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

We're here for you, mama. I'm glad you posted here...I noticed a previous post on another thread about Duncan's death. He is a beautiful baby...Duncan's pictures made me cry. Take it moment by moment for now and know that we are here for you.


----------



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your precious son Duncan.
What a beautiful boy. My thoughts are with you, Mama.


----------



## momz3 (May 1, 2006)




----------



## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)




----------



## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

What a beautiful baby boy. My heart is breaking for you.


----------



## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

What a beautiful little angel. Don't worry because God is holding him for you right now.


----------



## N8'sMom (Jun 25, 2007)

So sorry. What a precious angel.


----------



## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

Your little boy was so beautiful. I am so sorry, I can't even imagine the heartbreak you and your family must be feeling right now. May healing come to you, if that is possible


----------



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Brittany, he is beautiful. You have been so much on my mind. I don't have your number but please call me for anything. I am thinking of you constantly and praying for your family.


----------



## Night_Nurse (Nov 23, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your son is beautiful.


----------



## mamatoakd (Jun 11, 2008)

I'm in tears after reading your story. I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.


----------



## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Oh he is so beautiful mama.

Wishing you healing and love


----------



## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

So very sorry for your loss







:


----------



## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Huge hugs to you and your family. May you grieve together and, in time, begin to heal together.

Your son is gorgeous little boy.


----------



## E's Mama (Mar 16, 2008)

Healing thoughts for your family at this time of sorrow. Duncan is beautiful.


----------



## ShannonT (Dec 6, 2007)

I'm so sorry.
















for your beautiful Duncan.


----------



## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i am so sorry for your loss.









he is absolutely beautiful. i think your plans of keeping his ashes is beautiful. he will always be with you.

take care and time to heal.


----------



## railyuh (Jun 29, 2005)

He is beautiful. I am so sorry he didn't get to stay here with you







:

Thank you for sharing him with us. You are in my thoughts.


----------



## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I am so sorry your son could not stay.

Thank you for sharing. I've never had a full-term loss, but I can tell you this is a great place for support. I met some wonderful ladies on this site and found I could post my feelings and not be judged.

Again I'm sorry...


----------



## jennifer_lc1 (Sep 8, 2007)

duncan







mama, i'm so sorry for this happening to you, your family, and baby duncan.


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry, Brittany.









Duncan is simply beautiful.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

:














mama! I am just crying for you so hard. You and your husband are so brave. I am so very sorry. You have a beautiful baby boy mama. I am just so so so sorry.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I am so so sorry about your loss.


----------



## Finding Serenity (Aug 10, 2005)

My heart is breaking for you. What a perfect, beautiful little boy. I am sending you many prayers and hugs.


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so deeply sorry Brittany.

Duncan really is gorgeous....my heart is breaking for you and your family.


----------



## usmcwfe (Aug 17, 2006)

I'm so sorry. Your Duncun is beauiful, absolutely perfect. Please be good to yourself and I hope you find this place as comforting as I have. There's lots of sadness here but just as much hope. I'm a Marine Wife too and had to giggle at your name, Semper Gumby. Jacksonville was our last home and we miss it. I hope you have lots of support there from your Marine family. Peace to you.


----------



## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss. Duncan is a beautiful little boy!


----------



## moxielou (Jun 15, 2005)

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful little boy.


----------



## michanders4 (Jul 24, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss







.


----------



## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

I'm so very sorry.


----------



## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss







Duncan


----------



## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

He is so beautiful.
I am so very sorry.


----------



## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

I am so very sorry that you had to experience this. What a blessing that you had such wonderful and supportive people around you. I'm so glad you were able to spend some time with Duncan. He is just so sweet and beautiful. Much love to you as you grieve and heal.


----------



## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.


----------



## ksera05 (Apr 14, 2006)

He is a beautiful baby. I am so sorry.









Thank you for sharing your story.


----------



## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

Thank you for sharing your story. He's beautiful.

May you find peace.


----------



## kitkatsmama (Jul 13, 2006)

What a beautiful angel you gave birth to. In my thoughts and prayers, mama.


----------



## savvybabygrace (Feb 15, 2007)

Duncan is absolutely gorgeous...I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your precious little one. You are in my heart and thoughts...


----------



## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Semper Gumby* 
It was so hard to give my son away. I would never get to see or hold him again.











Please keep us updated if possible.


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm SO sorry. My heart ACHES for you. I am sad to see another mother have to go through this.

huge hugs. your family is gorgeous.


----------



## noveena16 (Nov 4, 2008)

Your son was beautiful - may he now play with the angels.. Like so many of our babies do....


----------



## BMG580 (Jun 19, 2007)

What a beautiful baby. I am so sorry mama.


----------



## milkmamamerina (Sep 29, 2008)

My heart goes out to you. Your story broke my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Oh, mama, I am so sorry! He's beautiful.


----------



## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

What a beautiful boy Duncan is. I'm so sorry for you & your family.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Such a beautiful little fellow. I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## briccagrl (Aug 31, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.
















for your precious little angel.


----------



## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Love to you...so sorry for your loss of precious, beautiful Duncan.


----------



## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your son was gorgeous and I wish you much strength as you cope with this tragedy.


----------

