# seeking advice from sex-positive parents



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Ok so dd's boyfriend is coming to visit us next week, he lives out of state. They are both good kids and he has brought up the issue of sex with me a couple times. He says he isn't ready and she wants to







She talked to me and told me she wasn't sure she wanted to have sex yet with him. She is 17 and he is 19 btw. We discussed BC though and my general feeling is that since she can't drive yet and he won't have a car here (flying in) that it might be best to have something just in case.

During our discussion she hadn't decided if/what type of BC she might want to use. I don't want her/them to feel like I expect them to have sex. At the same time I don't want them to end up being unprotected if it's 1 am and nothing is here, yk? Dh and I don't use AFB so I don't have my own to share or anything in case of emergency









So I'm debating if I should just buy an assortment of things and give them to her just in case?


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

You know, I would get her condoms etc, and just say to her, this:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
I don't want her/them to feel like I expect them to have sex. At the same time I don't want them to end up being unprotected if it's 1 am and nothing is here, yk

Good luck!


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I think that is marvelous advice, thismama.

Bravo for having such a good relationship with your dd and her boyfriend, Arduinna


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## Monkeygrrl (Oct 9, 2005)

yep...get them protection...preferrably not just condoms, as they can break...so the depo or pill or whatever...its for their safety, and if they are feeling like they want to have sex, they need to be prepared, or they will have a child...its really that simple...

we have told our children the same thing...we have an open relationship with the kids, and a couple of them have let us know they are thinking about it, so we made sure they were on protection and had condoms available to them...its really important to make sure they know that the grown up act of sex has grown up consequences (whether they are good or bad) and they need to be aware of them before they go there...and its really ok to go there, and its really ok to say no...










peace...


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

thanks mamas


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## snowyowl (Dec 27, 2006)

Chiming in to agree with the above. Definitely pick up some condoms but it would also be a good idea to have the morning-after pill on hand, just in case a condom breaks.

I also wanted to say that I think your attitude is great. My mom took a similar approach with me (many, many, many years ago







). Having reliable access to birth control meant there was never any excuse for me and my partner to have less-safe sex.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I'd also just make condoms and whatever else available in a casual low key way. "Sex is always your decision but I just wanted you to know these things are here for you."


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

buy condoms and demo one -- there are things to know about using them and when to put them on-- there is a right/easy way to roll one on and a way where it won't roll-- also should be used for oral sex as well--- if we are thinking safer sex....
but the other part of the discussion would be why does the BF not want to have sex yet? maybe she needs to slow down and respect his wishes or they need to discuss it more... KWIM having something on hand that she is familar with how to use should not be a problem.


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

Is the guy a virgin? If not he should know how to use a condom. If yes I agree with demoing one for sure.

But I agree with previous posters. Buying condoms and leaving them in her bathroom or bedroom would be sufficiant and saying 'I don't expect you to have sex, but just in case it is better to be safe than sorry' is good enough.

I plan on having Condoms available weather I use them or not with DP when the kids hit around 14. Possibly earlier depending on the kid. I don't know if they will need them or not but I would rather have them around the house than to not have them when they are needed kwim?


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

I agree with the other posters. I was thinking too, that I don't think just having the BC available will push her over the edge or will change either of their minds about doing it or not doing it. She's been with him awhile, they've talked about it, she's thought about it, and so I think she'll just decide for herself. That being said, at that age, well....at _any_ age







the actual "decision" might be made at the spur of the moment, (it doesn't have to be, and maybe it won't be) but I think having it there will be very good. Kudos to you mama, that she's getting good advice!


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

obviously you have a GREAT relationship going here. *Three cheers* on that!!
You know them best, but be careful not to embarrass them.
i would probably let them know there are condoms in such and such a place in the house. Talk to dd about the importance of reading the direction sheet BEFORE things get hot and heavy. And definately look into getting her some "back-up" in the form of hormonal BC. Besides, it can do such great things for girls with difficult periods.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't know if he is has had sex before or not, I didn't ask and he didn't say. The emphasis at our house has always been it's your decision just don't do anything you don't want to do. And I told him the same thing. To me they are like both my kids and I want them both to be acting on free will and all that.

I actually had already told her the statement suggesed above, about just in case maybe something should be here. That is when she said she wasn't sure she wanted to. Which is why I am concerned about over stepping. I'm sure we will talk about this again soon, since our last conversation was left with that expectation of a follow up.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I really think every house should have some condoms available... and every person should have a few tucked in his/her wallet. I don't think depo or the pill are the way to go here, since you're supposed to use a back-up method for the first month anyway, and they can alter your body chemistry and all so they're not really a good choice for a possible fling... more for someone who knows she'll be having sex regularly or semi-regularly and doesn't want to get pregnant but isn't concerned about AIDS or STDs... and really, everyone should be concerned enough about those things to use a condom, anyway, unless you know your partner's sexual history.

dar


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

in my eyes she is old enough to make her choices so i say condoms in medicine cabinet in washroom right beside the toothpaste so that she will see it way before he gets there and will know it is there and stick a note on it feel free to use if needed or just leave it on her bedroom out in the open with the same note beter to have "just in case" (does she know how to put one on?? i would make sure that she knows how to no point giving if it is not going to be used correctly)


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

I just have to say that I agree with everyone else here that you have a fantastic attitude about this. I was just reading this thread thinking man, I wish my mom had been cool like that. She didn't want me to have sex even after I was engaged to be married! LOL


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

a girl should know how to use the tools-- not every partner experienced or not may want to or know how to use a condom-- an experience that one of my girls had was just what I mentioned a guy said to her look it is not fitting on I am just too big-- when she told me that it about fried my hair-- I opened one and put the condom over a wide water glass-- and I said ok if he is bigger than this you will have to figure something else out--


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mwherbs* 
I opened one and put the condom over a wide water glass-- and I said ok if he is bigger than this you will have to figure something else out--









Something else indeed. Great response.

I agree the girls should know too.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

um well ya, sometimes they like us to put it on


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Sounds like you have the bc idea taken care of. Have you been able to talk with her about her "not ready" feelings. I think this is the more important issue once the bc is taken care of. Sounds like you have the kind of relationship in which you would feel comfortable talking about all of the ways to experience intimacy without necessarily having intercourse. My concern, after having all of the necessary supplies and fertility control info handy, would be whether she feels emotionally ready for a sexual relationship. Coming from experience, you can provide some important information for what might happen to her heart.

edited to add: and his heart too -- sounds like you have a great relationship with both of them!


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## Emma's_Mommy (Apr 28, 2006)

good for you for having a great relationship with your daughter!

i am ashamed to admit i could not tell you which way to roll on a condom


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I agree with the others- get an assortment of condoms plus some different kinds of OTC spermicides- it can take some trial and error to find what they like best. And definitely explain that it's all "just in case" and there's no expectation that they use any of it.

And about condom size- just because it can stretch to fit doesn't mean it will stay on well or be comfortable. DS' dad needed the Trojan Maxums- the narrower condoms didn't go on more than halfway and were very apt to slip off. He was also very apt not to use them at all because of the discomfort.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Tell her to stay far, far away from depo provera. It's nasty stuff. (Makes you gain lots of weight, weakens your bones, etc.)


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Not sure why every keeps mentioning hormonal BC. There is no discussion of her going on hormonal BC. He is visiting for 1 week. She doesn't need long term BC at this time, besides as an ex pill user I know that it isn't effective in the first month so it would be useless to start at this late date.

Ruthla thanks for the reminder regarding different sizes, I will remember to get a variety to make sure they fit right. Last time I used a condom I think they only came in one size fits all


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I'd skip the spermacide for someone that young, it can irritate and actually increase the risk of transmission for STDs. If you're in a long term monogamous relationship and it doesn't bother you it's ok, but I wouldn't recommend it to a teen.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Not sure why every keeps mentioning hormonal BC.

I think people are refering to the morning after pill in case there is a condom failure. If you know it is simple and quick to get in your area don't sweat it, but if it's an ordeal to get them I would consider buying a pack and keeping them around.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I was responding to monkeygrrl's suggestion of depo or the pill...

dar


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

I'd have the spermicide or sponge on hand to use with the condoms, and make sure they know how to use them. That way, if one breaks, they have a back up. IMO, spermicides are super easy to use, no more difficult than a tampon. Sponges are trickier, but are better in terms of the time they are effective: once you insert it, it's good for 24 hours, where as the spermicides you have to wait 10-15 minutes and then finish within an hour.


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## Millie Ivy (Dec 8, 2001)

Also, I would recommend NOT getting trojan. I (and lots of others I know) CANNOT use them, I get yeast infection-like symptoms.

Durex, baby!

(I am only saying this, because you said you hadn't used them in forever....)


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## Monkeygrrl (Oct 9, 2005)

Quote:

From A&A: Tell her to stay far, far away from depo provera. It's nasty stuff. (Makes you gain lots of weight, weakens your bones, etc.)
i guess i am one of the lucky ones...it doesnt cause me to gain weight...dont know about the weak bones, though...

Quote:

From Dar: I was responding to monkeygrrl's suggestion of depo or the pill...
i am confused...are you commenting as two different people? i dont see another post here where you are asking about what i said...

peace...


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## Unoppressed MAMA Q (Jun 13, 2004)

you all have inspired me to just go ahead and move the condom stash from my bedroom to the bathroom, just to 'officially' convert it to 'family health and beauty product' instead of 'private stay away it's moms'.

kinda like the dr. bronner's or bandaids-available to all who pass through!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Monkeygrrl* 

i am confused...are you commenting as two different people? i dont see another post here where you are asking about what i said...

No, one of me is enough!










Arduinna asked why people kept mentioning hormonal BC. You had said:

Quote:

yep...get them protection...preferrably not just condoms, as they can break...so the depo or pill or whatever...
and I had that comment in mind when I said:

Quote:

I don't think depo or the pill are the way to go here, since you're supposed to use a back-up method for the first month anyway, and they can alter your body chemistry and all so they're not really a good choice for a possible fling...
in response to your suggestion about hormonal methods there...

dar


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

FTR depo is not even a consideration here, and the pill isn't needed. So, you guys can feel free to debate the merits of such but we won't be using depo. Besides it's over kill for a 1 week encounter


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## Monkeygrrl (Oct 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
No, one of me is enough!









Arduinna asked why people kept mentioning hormonal BC. You had said: ...

and I had that comment in mind when I said: ...

in response to your suggestion about hormonal methods there...

dar

ok...i was just wondering, thank you for clearing that up...









i must have misread the original post...if its only going to be for one week, then i would just go with condoms...

my daughter had a boyfriend for a while that she was pretty serious about, and came to us stating that she was thinking about sex with him...in this case, we did put her on bc as well as making sure she had condoms...she is no longer with him, but continues the bc because there are apparently a lot of people in this world that she likes...









peace...


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

To the OP: we are very sex-positive parents as well, so what you are doing is GREAT!

I am assuming that your daughter and her boyfriend will be sleeping in the same bed while he is there. If so, I would make sure that there were some condoms in the bedroom itself where they will be spending their nights.

Keep up the positive parenting!


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I actually had already told her the statement suggesed above, about just in case maybe something should be here. That is when she said she wasn't sure she wanted to. Which is why I am concerned about over stepping. I'm sure we will talk about this again soon, since our last conversation was left with that expectation of a follow up.

Could you just put them somewhere where you know she will see them, so she can choose to use them if she wishes? You could just casually mention that you put them there and see if she wishes to discuss it further at that point.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I ended up buying an assortment of condoms and the sponge and gave them to her saying " just in case". She didn't seem overly enthusiastic though


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## katsmonkeyhouse (May 31, 2006)

I think it is great you have such a good relationship with her. Dh is taking it very well. I wouldve encourage some type of protection just in case as well.
I wish my parents wouldve been more supportive. But they were old fashion and not wanting me to even date. I will have to remeber to be more postive for my kids. Hope they had a good visit.You cant stop teens but encourage them to be responsible for their actions. They always want to be treated like an adult so then comes responsiblity.So I hope to teach mine to be as open.


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## [email protected] (Jan 5, 2002)

under the umbrella of "sex positive" i'm wondering about a slightly different topic and ways to handle it. i have some early birthday presents due to arrive this week of an adult nature. boxes in the mail are very exciting things around here so i began wondering what to say when it arrives to my almost 9 yr old. the box itself i'm not too worried about but it started me thinking on how i knew nothing about adult toys & novelties and had to learn it all rather embarassingly on the fly. twenty years later i'm still learning about this stuff so i'm wondering how to handle such topics as a whole. i'd like to have my child prepared for the world she'll live in in terms of money, health, and sex. i think the hesitation that came up for me is i don't mind at a suitable point [whatever that is] telling her what vibrators are for, i just don't know that i really care to discuss MY own toys.

[for the person that mentioned yeast feelings from condoms, are they lubricated? some lubes are more yeast friendly than others blowfish.com has a great writeup on lubes]


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I ended up buying an assortment of condoms and the sponge and gave them to her saying " just in case". She didn't seem overly enthusiastic though









Just a thought, maybe she plans on using the excuse of not having protection to say no?


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I ended up buying an assortment of condoms and the sponge and gave them to her saying " just in case". She didn't seem overly enthusiastic though









I've just been keeping that stuff in the bathroom pretty much for as long as dd has had periods. There's nothing to be enthusiastic about. I don't expect thanks for condoms any more than I expect thanks for toilet paper.

We had a few incidents with them being wasted as "water balloons", but I'd rather deal with a bit of embarassment from that on my part than a pregnant/HIV+ teen who was too embarassed to buy protection.

I did want to mention that I have always bought the largest (quantity not penis size







) package and that I open the box myself and put the products in a separate container so that the kid doesn't worry about someone noticing an unopened box becoming opened or counting the condoms to see if any have been used.

So far, no grandbabies or STDs.

I wouldn't exactly describe my DV-survivor self as "sex positive", but I think that this is just a part of parenting that we all need to deal with. I was heartbroken to find out that one of DS's otherwise very intelligent friends was more afraid of his parents' reaction to finding a condom in his room than he was of HIV and/or premature parenthood. All I could do was tell him he was welcome to come to my house to "use the bathroom" any time of day or night if he needed to.


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## JenniferH (Feb 24, 2005)

I would definitely get some non-latex condoms too. I'd hate for them to find out the hard way that one of them is latex sensitive (as I did!).

Trojan makes a polyurethane condom that I use. They are a bit more expensive, but really the only option I've tried that I like.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

he has come and gone


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## 1hautemama (Mar 5, 2006)

Arduinna, will you be my mom? You sound like a lovely mother. I hope your daughter realizes what a treasure you are. My mother and I had no where near as close a relationship, then or now.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

thanks


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## antannie (Jul 5, 2006)

When I was raising my teenage niece I kept a big box of condoms in my medicine cabinet and all the kids who came into our house knew about it. I also made sure they had lots of info about safe sex. They could take them in case.

We live in a rural area and there are many teen mums - even some very young ones and I think some of it is because if you went into the community store where your auntie works to get a condom your mum and dad would know before you got back home with it! so I plan to do the same with my dd. When the time comes there are just going to be condoms in the bathroom and as most kids snoop they will take them if they need them.

This is not all I will do of course. Communication is the best thing and it sounds like you have good communication with both kids.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Reading this 8 years later....

I realize that i have forgotten how to use a condom :lol. Im sure it will come back to me when the time comes....

As for my teenagers to be ..... I am wondering if the issue of birth control types/how to use a condom (using a carrot as a demo maybe), consent, and feelings, could all be discussed way before the time comes for them. Then it will just be second nature.

Maybe I will include some of these issues in our bedtime reading (in about 3 years.....)

Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but in thinking about it, i see it as being under the same umbrella as sex education/life/science education in general, and the more we discuss these issues when they are younger, the more comfortable they might feel talking about it when they are older and when it really counts....

Anyone with more experience, feel free to chime in....


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