# 2009 is the last year for me



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

So, we were sitting around after Christmas discussing what we were thinking our 2009s would be like and I was completely speechless. I was in a room in which only my dh knew I had 2 miscarriages this past year- everyone else only knew about 1 of them. And all I could think was how this is my last year to have a healthy, living baby. Although we haven't discussed the specifics yet, I'm certain my dh will get the big V if we don't have a baby this year. Which I think I'm fine with.

I'll be 36 this year and my youngest is already 4 and I realized recently that at some point in the near future we need to really be done thinking about babies in general so I can just focus on figuring out what's next for my life and for our family life.

Anyway, that's it. I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just a listening ear, maybe wondering if anyone else is feeling the old clock ticking as loudly as I am.

At least it will be the last year I have to keep dealing with loss and worrying over whether or not I'll be pregnant this month, then whether or not the baby will live, etc. It gets tiring, but it is worth it if there's another pretty babe in arms. Wow, I sound depressed.


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

*hugs* I'm listening.
And yes, you do sound very sad...and tired/frustrated.

I hope this is the year for you, hon.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:

I realized recently that at some point in the near future we need to really be done thinking about babies in general so I can just focus on figuring out what's next for my life and for our family life.
I'm at this point too. Things are just not in a good place for us to try and add another child.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Hugs! This is our last cycle, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I am 32 and we have a seven and five year old. My husband is leaving for a year in a few days. I'm just not down with our child spacing being any farther apart than it already is. Much love to you. Saying goodbye to our fertile years is really harder than I thought it would be.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)

Me too....I'll be 36 in May, and ds will be 3 in April. I've sort of told myself that I will try in the spring and then we'll be done. If I have another baby, cool....if not, that's fine too. I'm lucky to have my wonderful boy.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

For completely different reasons, I may be taking a several-year hiatus on TTC if it doesn't happen this year. I can't afford to take any more time off of grad school, and if the the baby isn't due by mid 2010, I might not keep trying until after I'm done with school. It's really unfortunate because this last little one was timed perfectly, but oh well.

I can relate. It's frustrating and sometimes it's easier putting an end date on something than worrying about it going on and on forever.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh ... I understand too.

We've just experienced the full term loss of our dd2. DH & I are keen to try again but he's pretty much of the opinion that one more loss would be it for us (having had a m/c before our DD2). Also I'll be 34 this year and my DS & DD are 6&4 so will be 7&5 minimum - assuming I conceived at the beginning of 2009. I cannot bear the thought of giving up without one more healthy take home babe BUT I'm more aware than ever before that this might be the ending to my story - and that would make me very sad.

((((HUGS)))) ending our childbearing years, even without the grief we all carry from our losses, caan be a bereavement in itself.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I also had two losses this year, a six week miscarriage in August and a ruptured ectopic that ended with emergency surgery on Thanksgiving just before I turned eight weeks. I lost a tube.

I have decided that 2009 will be the year of health for me. I am going to try to lose weight, eat healthy and exercise, harass my doctor about my thyroid levels, go to the chiropractor on a regular basis and fix my back, etc. Get some other checkups I have been late/missing (eye, teeth).

This is because we have given ourselves a six month break from trying, and then we will discuss if we are even willing to try again after what I went through. Even then, I know my chances of getting pregnant and carrying a pregnancy to term is about 50%, if that. I am turning 34 this year.

I have been trying to declutter and organize this year as well, and I have noticed a difference. I used to hold on to all of DD's outgrown clothes and toys, and now I am letting go of them more freely. I don't know what that means, if that is what my decision is, or if I am not willing to hold on to it for just a 50% chance.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Thank you, fellow mamas, for sharing so much with me. It helps me feel more "normal." I guess coming to term with the idea of being ok with our family the way it is is new to me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *turtlewomyn* 
I have decided that 2009 will be the year of health for me. I am going to try to lose weight, eat healthy and exercise, harass my doctor about my thyroid levels, go to the chiropractor on a regular basis and fix my back, etc. Get some other checkups I have been late/missing (eye, teeth).

Turtlewomyn, I can't even imagine all that you've been through. I also am going to take better care of me in these next few months. Cheers to you! (unfortunately I only have some water right now- but cheers just the same!)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Oh ... I understand too.

((((HUGS)))) ending our childbearing years, even without the grief we all carry from our losses, caan be a bereavement in itself.

So sorry, Fireflyforever- I had a nearly full-term loss of my first daughter and it was devastating to us as a family for several years. I ended up getting pregnant 5 months after with my 2nd dd and was still grieving in many ways through her first year. And I just love the way you stated that about ending our childbearing years being a worthy loss in and of itself. It's freeing in a way. Thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa_nc* 
Hugs! This is our last cycle, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I am 32 and we have a seven and five year old. My husband is leaving for a year in a few days. I'm just not down with our child spacing being any farther apart than it already is. Much love to you. Saying goodbye to our fertile years is really harder than I thought it would be.

Hugs back to you, Lisa. Just wanted to say your message touched me, as I used to be a Navy wife. Moms having to go it alone are deserving of respect, and you have mine.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm in the same situation only we are not ttc.....ever









and you all are right grieving no more babies is the toughest EVER. so much worse that loosing a full term 10 pound Micah. I'm really having a tough time. and even though I'm opposed to sterilization (oh so many reasons) the thought has crossed my mind a time or two so I don't have worry anymore.

this grief is so bad.


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i am trying to come to terms with this myself. i am 43 and after 2 losses last year am thinking maybe the universe is telling me something. i am fighting it in my heart, but i'm also scared to ttc again and go through all the pain and stress.









and to top it all off, i found out a couple weeks ago that i'll be a grandma in march. my ds and his fiance are having a baby boy sometime around the end of march/beginning of april. my last m/c'd babe was due in april although i'm not having a hard time with that and this new babe. i'm excited about the baby, but we don't live near them so i don't know how often i'll actually see him, which is more where my stressors are right now. it is wierd to be on the fence about being done ttc AND dealing with being a grandma too. i just don't feel old enough for it all yet...









sorry...got off track there. the thing is, i think it's so hard to grieve the loss of little ones and also have to deal with the grief that you won't be ttc again when you'd really like to. our girls are 5 and 3 now.....i've just always felt that there was one more out there for us...but maybe my grandson is the one. it's just so hard to give up the idea of it all. so i do understand where you are coming from with this being the last year because it certainly is for us regardless...


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