# secret problem with stepdaughter withheld by husband..help



## NeKisha (May 21, 2004)

i dont know where to post this, but i am wondering if you all think that i am, or my husband is right in this instance....and any advice you could give please.

my husband's daughter from a previous relationship is in some sort of trouble. id go into detail if he would tell me some kind of detail. he refuses to tell me what is going on with her (she is 16). i am very concerned and wondering if there is anything i could do/say to remedy/help the situation.

he insists that i have no need or right to know what is going on because she is his daughter and she has asked that no one find out, besides him and her mother.

my thinking is that this is ridiculous. i am his wife, not just a concerned friend. if i am to ever build a meaningful relationship with his daughter, than i cannot be left out of the more important issues in her life.

i do not feel it is right to be left in the dark, nor do i feel like every intimate detail of their relationship is vital knowledge.

am i wrong to want to be let into their relationship, or is he correct in keeping this 'secret'

btw, this has been an ongoing issue....me being made to feel like i need to not become close to his daughter, it almost seems as though he wants her to be all for himself. very frustrating as his wife let me tell you







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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I can understand your frustration, but I agree with your dh. His dd has specifically requested that the issue stay between her and her mother and father. I do not think that he should break trust with his dd by not keeping his word. That will likely result in her not confiding in him.

Now, if when she asked he had said that he couldn't keep it from you that would have been different. Seems from what you've said he agreed to her request. At this point, if he wanted to he could make the case to her that he would like to tell you and see what she says. Trust between parents and teens in very important, IMO more important than you knowing what is going on with her.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

When your husband chose to marry you, he chose to share his life with you. In my opinion, that means ALL of his life, not just some parts of it. To me, it is disrespectful to you to exclude you from this extremely important facet of his life (raising his daughter), and I also think it sends the wrong message to your step-daughter: you're not really part of the family. I think your husband should have told his daughter that he doesn't keep secrets from his wife, and I think you would be well within your rights to ask him to renegotiate with his daughter.

Namaste!


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## NeKisha (May 21, 2004)

thank you dharmamama, i agree. you have put into words what i have trouble explaining.

i do feel that there should be no secrets between partners concerning their children. secrets are as good as lies, and usually just as hurtful. if i am his wife, i feel like i should be made to feel like a 'real' part of the family, not just a bystander.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

I agree that when you get married you agree to share all of YOUR life with your spouse, however this situation is about his daughter's life - not his - he may have to react to it, but he does not have ownership of it - his daughter does.

All he is doing is keeping a confidence, not breaking his daughter's trust, and I believe that is totally appropriate. There are cofidences I have been asked to keep to myself and I feel that if I want to live my life in an honorable way I have to BE honorable and do what I say I will do. If somebody says, can I tell you something, and asks if you'll promise not to tell ANYBODY and then you go and tell somebody, you have broken your promise and have lost some credibility - at the very least to yourself.

He's doing the honorable thing and you should be proud to know that you can truly trust him with your secrets, too. I think that you're not feeling like a real part of his family is a totally separate issue that you're just confusing with keeping a confidence.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Personally I think that if this is going to affect him, and you then he needs to tell you about it. If he is going to have to be gone to help her, and giving her money and what not then it concerns you as a member of the family. I would not want my dh to keep things from me. I think as the wife you have a right to know.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

I definitely think he should be able to discuss the parts that will affect his wife (like money, moving in, being away more, etc) but he doesn't have to break his promise to his daughter to do that and I think it's just plain wrong to expect that. I sure wouldn't trust this anybody who blabbed my secrets.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

When children have problems or are in trouble, it is a family issue. NeKisha is a family member and an adult, and therefore I think she deserves the opportunity and has the responsibility to be informed of what's going on with the children in the family. I'm not saying her husband should tell her what's going on now, because he told his daughter he wouldn't. But I do think he made a mistake in making that promise, and I do think he should ask his daughter whether he can tell his wife, and I do think that in the future he shouldn't promise to exclude his wife from family matters.

Namaste!


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## santosha (Mar 15, 2002)

well, speaking as a stepdaughter who went through her own fair share of troubles, i would have been so...happy (isn't the word, but something like that) if the times i had asked my mother to keep things between us she had. it would have made me feel as if she respected me and our relationship. if your husband told his daughter the issue would stay between them, then he should keep his word.


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

ita with the previous poster. when i was a teen there were issues about me that my mom shared with my stepfather and i wish she hadn't. i felt betrayed, it hurt the relationship with my mom and to this day i still can not stand my stepfather. when i think about it now i can still strongly remember the resentment and betrayal.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I'm going to have to agree with the previous two posters. I, too, was a step-daughter and would have appreciated having my privacy respected. My mother was staunchly opposed to keeping things between her and me and all it did was damage our relationship and make me terribly resentful of my step-father.

While I absolutely agree that when you marry someone you should not have secrets, divorce and remarriage may have different rules.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. I don't believe in keeping secrets from your spouse but I think when there has been a divorce the "traditional" rules don't always apply.


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## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

I think it's up to the teenager to tell you and not the father. If it requires your participation or anything from you, then you do have a right to know as much as you need to know. But if she has asks that it remain private, then, it sucks, but that's the respectful thing to do.


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## chalupamom (Apr 15, 2002)

Do you get the feeling that you're _never_ going to find out what's going on, or just that you're not to know _right now_? I'm thinking that you may yet be told, but that the daughter is not yet ready to have this information go beyond a very intimate circle - and, as loving a stepmother though you may be, she simply may not be ready right now to share with you. I know it's hard (and possibly hurtful) to think that, as much as you've given, that you may not be part of this inner circle but realize that she's 16 and mommy and daddy are still just that - the people who created her. She's probably not mature enough to deal with the nuances of family relationships while also dealing with whatever it is, but you _are_.

Now, if dealing with her issue is going to take resources out of your home and out of your relationship with your husband (i.e., _significant_ amounts of time, money, space, etc.) then you have a right to be warned about that ahead of time, even if the specifics are still withheld. If, say, you're informed that your husband will be going away for a long weekend to help her, you have every right to know precisely what's up with that - up to, but not including, the details of what she's dealing with. If your husband will be diverting large amounts of money from your budget, I think you'd have a right to know that what he's doing is legal, moral, etc.

I think, too, that if this problem is going to put stress on your husband, you may be better served by supporting him in doing right by his daughter and his commitment to her - it may strengthen his commitment to you in the long run by helping him understand that you are there for him even when things get uncomfortable. Your mileage may vary on this one.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

There aren't that many kinds of trouble. It's not that interesting.

You know?

It will probably cost money and time to support her through it, that's what you need to know about right now.

If you are a good egg, she'll tell you herself.


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## yeah yeah yeah (Aug 8, 2003)

Another stepdaughter here.

I would be _intensely_ angry, FURIOUS with my dad if I told him not to tell my stepmother something, and he did it anyway.

She's not obligated to trust you. Ever. I know it's not fair, but honestly, it's not fair to have to juggle parental loyalties at a young age, and who do you think has better coping skills?

One thing to consider--stop feeling sorry for yourself, and be ecstatic that you married a man who has a daughter that trusts him, apparently with good reason.

Count your blessings.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Child of divorce here as well with both parents remarried at least once..

It's NOT your business.. It's NOT.. Just as discipline should come down from the parent and not the step parent.. Troubles asked to be kept "in the family" should be just that.. Kept with her parents.. You are NOT her parent.. You are her father's wife.. As much as that probably digs in your heart.. It's true.. If she doesn't feel comfortable with you knowing it isn't your business..

You married a man KNOWING (I am assuming) he had a daughter from a prev. relationship.. That daughter should be a top priority- yes sometimes- even over you.. His commitment to her supercedes yours..

Trust between parents and teens is often times tenuous at best.. Doing something that will impact that trust negatively is assinine.. Support your husband and his dd.. THAT is how family works.. NOT nosing about and throwing temper tantrums at your dh like a child.. THAT is how you become the despis-'ed step-mother.. Al'a Cinderella..

Best of Luck and Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan


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## BlueBelle (Jun 19, 2004)

Since he promised not to tell, he can't. HOWEVER, in the future, he shouldn't promise not to share that sort of information with you. You are her stepmother, and you have to have a relationship with her too, and it has to be a parental sort of relationship, even if it's not as her parent (if that makes sense. I'm a stepdaughter too, and while I recognize and respect my SM's authority as one of my guardians, she's not my Mom and can't replace her. It's a parental relationship, but it's a DIFFERENT sort of parental relationship).

I think you have to let this one go, but talk to DH and discuss what would happen in future instances. If he sets up her expectation that yes, he will keep her confidence, but he shares everything with you, then she knows that, and the conflict wouldn't arise again.


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## hypatia (Apr 29, 2002)

I'm a stepdaughter, too, and I think you should respect her privacy and her relationship with her father. Your husband and his daughter need to be able to have a private relationship, including time for just the two of them. And please don't make your husband tell his daughter that he will tell you anything she confides in him. It is cruel and wrong to force the daughter to decide between stopping confiding in her father or sharing her secrets with someone who is not her not parent.

I have wonderful stepparents, but my relationships with them will never be like my relationships with parents. I know that my parents' love for me is unconditional, and that deep down they will love me no matter what. Knowing that we have this unseverable bond helps me confide in them when things are rough.

With my stepparents, there's not that same base of unconditional love. I really do like them, but I still feel like I have to be polite and behave when I'm around them -- I never entirely let my guard down the way I do with my parents.


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## Corvus (Feb 13, 2003)

I am on your husband's side on this one.

He is respecting his daughter's wishes. His daughter is a priority over his new wife, and that IS as it should be. I applaud your husband.

Whatever is going on with your step-daughter, she feels it is none of your business, and she simply wants privacy from you regarding this specific situation. Respect that. Respect her. If you push your husband so hard on this that he finally "breaks down" and tells you, your step-daughter will resent you both for a LONG time. Why would you want to damage all these relationships?

You might be the sweetest, most loving step-mother that ever lived.

But it still doesn't give you the right to know EVERYTHING about your step-daughter, especially when she has asked her father to keep it private.

I think you are just being nosey and hate "not knowing." But you need to respect her privacy, and back-off. Stop pressuring your husband about it, and definitely do not pressure your step-daughter about it.

They had a relationship with each other before you were in the picture. She has a mother. Her bases are covered. If she wants your help, she will ask.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

My parents are married to each other. When I was in college, I called my mother to discuss a very private issue and told her at the beginning that I really really did not want her to tell my father about it. (There were a couple of times when I was a teenager still living at home when discussing a problem w/mom was very helpful but dad's knowing about it was a disaster!) I very much appreciate that my mother kept my secret. I felt that I could trust her and that she respected my feelings and judgment.

I think it is correct for NeKisha's husband to keep his daughter's secret. However, if something like this comes up again, he should say, "When you had the ___ problem, it was very difficult for me not to be able to discuss it with NeKisha, and she was upset knowing that something was wrong for you and not knowing what it was. Is it okay if I tell her about this?" He still needs to respect her answer, whatever it is.








Sorry this is so hard on you, NeKisha! I hope it turns out well and that the "mystery" is revealed so you don't go crazy with worry. If you believe in prayer, remember that you can still pray for your stepdaughter to have strength and guidance in this troubled time without knowing what her specific trouble is.


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## whimsy (Aug 6, 2004)

Quote:

If you believe in prayer, remember that you can still pray for your stepdaughter to have strength and guidance in this troubled time without knowing what her specific trouble is.
That's a great idea. Could you let her know that while you don't know what's going on and will respect that, you will be praying for the entire situation. Don't forget to ask for strength for yourself. This may very well be one of the hardest things you have to do (or not do as the case may be)

Sounds like you and DH need to set up some boundaries regarding these things. Because if your family resources are being used, you will need to know. You also need to know what is going to be expected in THIS situation. Your DH needs to be able to tell you he may need x amount of money, and/or other resources. You should be told UPFRONT, even if you are not told what it's going for. (Incredibly hard, but put your trust in DH on this one)

What would you do with the knowledge if you had it? What would it change? It sounds like it will make you feel more trusted by DH, more important, more respected, and more a part of the family. All of which are reasonable. Can they be achieved in other ways?

I also think it's perfectly OK to feel hurt, angry, and all around crappy about the situation. I hope your DH can understand that. We're always here to lend you some strength too!

Your Dh and stepdaughter may be so impressed with the way you handle this that you will be elevated to superwife - superstepmom status.

Even as a grown woman, I hate the fact that I have to share my life and children with people my parents chose to spend their lives with. At 16 when the world seems so shaky anyway, your understanding may be just what she needs.

I'm concerned about you feeling it's a continuing pattern.
You didn't say how long you and DH have been married and how long he was separated from his ex before you married. It may just be a time issue. Is there any chance he would consider counseling to help define relationships?

You will be in my prayers.


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

It seems to me like there are really two issues here. One is the current situation with his daughter. The other is the feeling you have that he is systematically excluding you from his relationship with his daughter (not just in this instance.) Perhaps your difficulty with the secret in question is due in large part to the second problem? I agree with many pp that your dh is doing right by his daughter in keeping her confidence. Perhaps he should have asked her permission to tell you, but she may very well have said no anyway and you'd be in the same situation.

The second problem should be dealt with as a marriage issue, IMO. I agree with Whimsy that some short-term marriage counseling may be in order, and neither you nor dh should feel bad about seeking counseling! Blending a family is so hard that it breaks up many second marriages. Getting help sooner rather than later is usually a good idea. Food for thought: Your dh might be more willing to explore this idea with you if you agree to drop your insistance that he tell you his daughter's current secret. If you don't, he may view your desire to work on the blending issue as a "trick" to get him to tell.


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## Unoppressed MAMA Q (Jun 13, 2004)

"id go into detail if he would tell me some kind of detail"

hmmmmmmmmm......................








just taking you at face value, but maybe your SD realizes this about you. maybe you didn't mean it that way, but it's hard to tell so i'm pointing it out.
if someone posted my business on the internet, even anonymously, it would upset me, maybe really piss me off if i were only 16.
just a thought, and i don't know why you'd want to know if she doesn't want you to know. isn't that kinda like some form of psychological rape or something?
i agree with others that you have a right to know about any extra expenses that might need to be channelled to her. this is speaking as a low income household member. if you have plenty of money and it won't affect your circumstance to give her some, then i would almost think you don't really even need to know about that either, but that's a big grey area.
how old was she when you and your partner got married?


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

Sixteen is not six-- you are not automatically entitled to a relationship with your stepdaughter just because you married her father. She is, however, entitled to relationship with her father and she is well within her rights to ask for privacy. Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you were sixteen years old and an adult you trusted broke your confidence, would you think "oh, it's okay because they're married to the person they told?" I'm inclined to doubt it.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but in my opinion you're out of line to even ask. How could your stepdaughter ever learn to trust you when you're trying to interfere with her relationship with her father?


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Well, you are not getting the answers you hoped for, huh? But I am going to have to agree with the 99% who agree with your dh on this one. It is not even a gray area IMO. I can imagine that you are dying of curiousity but you will just have to deal with that. She confided in her father. That is wonderful!

She has a problem. She didn't go to a friend or call a helpline - she went to her father. You have to be happy that they have that kind of relationship - you married well. It is not about exluding you; it is about respecting his daughter. If he tells you, you will NEVER have a chance at a real relationshiop with your stepdaughter. You will cause permanent damage to the relationship between your husband and his child. The stakes are too high to find out just so you can know. You don't need to know. If and when you do (that is her call, not yours) then you will. The day may not come.

Can't you imagine being a teenager with a problem - say it is an STD just for sake of argument (could just as easily be pregnancy, drug addiction, anorexia, volleyball coach hitting on you, you name it). You need help. You are embarrassed. You are scared. You are ashamed. Do you really want any more people to know than really NEED to know? Be happy that she trusts her parents. Let this go. If you can't get past it, you will not have a good relationship with your stepdaughter or your husband. I know this will be hard but that is part of a blended family.


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## lilyadilly (Oct 28, 2004)

I am in your situation with the roles reversed. 13yo daughter is telling me everything, not her dad.... But, I really think she would talk to him first if the situation was big enough. And.. she may not tell me if the situation was embarassing enough.

I commend you wanting to be such an appreciated part of their lives and how much concern you have for her, but nothing will replace the 16 years and blood that she has shared with her mom and dad.

I really think that the more you back off and the more strength and respect you have for them both in this hour the more it will encourage her to be open with you in general.

I agree with most everyone here -
- Respect the daughter's wishes (and the father's respect towards them)
- Be supportive in whatever way you can
- Horray for marrying a man who's daughter is open with him!
- Make sure that you know about the ways it may affect you directly (money, time etc)

But, here is a new one - Do you spend time alone with her? I don't know your situation, hope I'm not stepping on toes, but maybe you should spend more to develope the relationship instead of force it - Comfortable, fun, supportive and encouraging time?. What is your normal relationship with her? Although you can't replace her parents, the more that she views you as a safe, comfortable and understanding role model, the more she will trust and value you. I'm not saying she will cough up every detail, but it may open some doors. But, she is 16 - her parental boundries have long been drawn.

Also - regarding the dad. It seems like you feel outted in other ways by him not allowing you into their life. Again, I think the only thing you can do here is show your interest and love and not push anything. ie: I think you can request spending more time together, but you can't demand it - it'll only dig the devide deeper. Again, I would just stess my love and support for them both and let them decide to what degree they want to involve you.

In the end, making her feel safe and comfortable with you is the only thing you can do to encourage them to let the cat out of the bag... I'm sorry that it hurts you, I would feel hurt too.

Honestly - Stregth to you!

xo


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

I scanned through most of the posts, so not sure if this was mentioned, but have you tried approaching her yourself and just saying something along the lines of, "I know that you are having a rough time right now, and its not something that you want to share with me. But I want you to know that i love you and if you ever feel like you want to talk, I'm here." or something like that. I mean, you both know that she doesn't want you to know but it seems far more honest to me to approach her yourself rather than try and convince the dad- who is proabably torn about telling you himself- to tell you.

and, fwiw, I am a step-daughter, and definitely agree with all the posters who said you need to respect the boundaries placed at this time.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I just want to agree with everyone else who has said your dh is right and you should respect your stepdd's boundaries.


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