# I need help not hating parenthood



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Don't know where to post this, so stickin' it here.

I hate being a mom. I really do. I've tried so hard to enjoy it, and there are some good times, but for the most part I am miserable. I've tried counseling, I'm on drugs, DH has offered to send me back to school although we really can't afford it.

I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day. Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him.

Sometimes I can take him to the gym and leave him at daycare and we can get a break, and that helps. But we can't afford full time daycare, even if I worked. And I don't want to leave him in daycare, I want to be able to take care of him myself. I want to be a good parent. But I feel like I suck at mothering, and I kind of hate who having a kid has turned me into. I'm like a harping, angry shrew who never gets anything done because she's busy trying to keep her offspring placated. And then DH gets home and I'm unshowered and smelly and the house is a disaster and Toby is still screaming and I'm too tired to make dinner. It's a nightmare.

is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Please tell me he's going to get better someday. please tell me I'm not going to hate parenthood forever, and please don't flame me.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Don't know where to post this, so stickin' it here.

I hate being a mom. I really do. I've tried so hard to enjoy it, and there are some good times, but for the most part I am miserable. I've tried counseling, I'm on drugs, DH has offered to send me back to school although we really can't afford it.

I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day. Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him.

Sometimes I can take him to the gym and *leave him at daycare and we can get a break, and that helps. But we can't afford full time daycare, even if I worked. And I don't want to leave him in daycare, I want to be a good parent.* But I feel like I suck at mothering, and I kind of hate who having a kid has turned me into. I'm like a harping, angry shrew who never gets anything done because she's busy trying to keep her offspring placated. And then DH gets home and I'm unshowered and smelly and the house is a disaster and Toby is still screaming and I'm too tired to make dinner. It's a nightmare.

is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Please tell me he's going to get better someday. please tell me I'm not going to hate parenthood forever, and please don't flame me.


ok, so at daycare is he different? does he throw tantrums and refuse to do anything?

I think that will provide insight for you. If I stayed home w/ dd all day she would be a screaming mess. By noon we have to pack up and go somewhere...anywhere. And after a few hours if there isn't enough interaction she gets antsy.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I hope things improve for you soon. Odds are very good that yes things will get better.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

seems like the baby stage is just difficult for you. As they get older understand more and can participate in more activities it will get better. Try to get some time out even daycare for an hour or so so that you can get a shower. I know this is rough and we all have trouble with parenting at times, and those times are weeks sometimes. i wish you the best


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

It's good that you are so honest about your feelings and are not keeping them in until you implode! Venting can be very healing. Your babe will be able to do more and express himself better. Know that being at this stage is frustrating for him too and he will outgrow it and become more of a "person". I had a very close friend who went through this and she said that shortly thereafter he suddenly became more interesting. Just be patient and he will reward you with love and friendship! Take care of yourself and be kind to him and you.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
It's good that you are so honest about your feelings and are not keeping them in until you implode! Venting can be very healing.

ITA! And get yourself some breaks if you need them. Be grateful he has daycare. And when your DH comes home, give him his son and go out with friends, or just take a walk down the street, for an hour.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
I guess I feel like if Toby would just GROW UP, it would be better, you know? *Right now I have a 17 month old who doesn't say a single word, he doesn't sign, he screams at the top of his lungs and throws tantrums all day.* Some days are better than others, yes. But like today was HORRIBLE. I just want to pick up and leave. I hate feeling this way. I hate hating my own kid, but honestly some days I really, really do.

*I don't know what to do with him! He doesn't "get" activities, I can't blow bubbles for him because he doesn't care. He hates being outside or going places or the stroller or the sling. He won't play in the bathtub. I read all these stories about toddlers doing things and it makes my heart hurt because I can't do any of the suggestions with him*.


Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

17 months is a not so fun stage. I don't know too many moms who are fans about it. And I think I felt very similar to you somewhere around there. Ditto on the 'looking forward to when they're older' too.

Parenting is hard work. I think sometimes that I would rather dig ditches.

Just try to get out of the house everyday and keep busy. A new stage will come and you may like it better (We are rocking 20 months).

If there are possible delays or sensory issues as pp mentioned, go get those assessed.

But I bet the biggest problem is that your LO is 17 months and that age does kind of suck.










V


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I think everyone has an age they love. This is not it for you. He will grow up & progress & imo you'll be more in love with parenting when he reaches a stage you're more comfortable with.


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 

Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.

I was just coming to post something similar. DS was diagnosed as a toddler with SID, and we're currently in the evaluation process for autism/aspergers. Before we realized what was going on with him, he had tons of issues and was very rough to deal with. He hated HATED the wind in his face. Fixated on one thing and never played with any other toys. I would look at getting him evaluated to ensure that he doesn't have something going on.

Also, I love my son but I am SO not a baby/toddler person. I honestly had no idea what to do with him (beyond the basics) and was so full of anxiety over everything with him until he was old enough to effectively communicate. We're just not baby people. I like seeing/holding other babies, and I enjoy giving them back to mommy/daddy just as much









There is nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you recognize it is a good thing. I would take advantage of any and all outlets you have to get through this rough stage.

Do you have a good routine? Toddlers love routine. When he gets to be too out of control, pick him up and redirect to something else. Usually with toddlers, its either food or sleep they're lacking. One thing DS always loved was putting on some music and "Dancing". Sounds really lame, but he always got a kick out of it, it distracted him from the nerdy behavior, and made me crack a smile watching him dance.

Big thing I learned with that stage was to just let go of some of it. Establish a routine that is reasonable for both of you, and then slowly work your way up. Start small, with things like "Breakfast at X time, play time, story time, nap time, snack/lunch time, park time, nap/story, dinner, bath, bed."

Nothing hard at first. Force yourself to stick to it. Once you've got a simple one down, add small things for yourself back in. "At first naptime, I will do ONE load of laundry and wipe down the bathroom, then read a magazine/knit/whatever relaxes you"

It's okay to find this age hard. One day, it will literally just kind of fall into place and your son will be this little person with thoughts and opinions, and you'll delight in talking and doing things with him. This is a very hard stage though.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.

ITA with this post. I'm one that usually falls in the "there's a big range of developmentally normal", but with everything you're mentioning _together_, I'd probably give your local school district a call and see what kind of early intervention programs they offer.

Sending you big







that you can get some answers, help, and relief soon. Not enjoying phases of baby and toddlerhood is something we all go through, for sure. I am not thrilled with 2-3 yrs old, personally. Love baby and early toddler hood, am loving kidhood, NOT thrilled with older toddler into preschooler.


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## woodsymommyof3 (Mar 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
ITA! And get yourself some breaks if you need them. Be grateful he has daycare. And when your DH comes home, give him his son and go out with friends, or just take a walk down the street, for an hour.

Bolding mine. Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what". But if he doesn't like any of it, or much else either, nothing really stimulates and challenges him, and he is screaming and frustrated, and not talking, then I would say to get him an evaluation, asap. Could be nothing. But if he has some developmental delays, sensory issues, hearing or speech issues... the earlier you intervene, the better it will be for him. And for you too. As a mom of a DS who had severe ear infections, just finding out what the problem was relieved a lot of pressure. And when he was treated, watching him more fully develope into the healthy young boy he was was wonderful. Though to be equally honest, it didn't help in the guilt department. (How could I not notice earlier? How much better would he have been if I had intervened 6 months ago....) I really think kids develope at different paces, but all those issues together would make me think twice.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *SquishyKitty* 
I was just coming to post something similar. DS was diagnosed as a toddler with SID, and we're currently in the evaluation process for autism/aspergers. Before we realized what was going on with him, he had tons of issues and was very rough to deal with. He hated HATED the wind in his face. Fixated on one thing and never played with any other toys. I would look at getting him evaluated to ensure that he doesn't have something going on.

Also, I love my son but I am SO not a baby/toddler person. I honestly had no idea what to do with him (beyond the basics) and was so full of anxiety over everything with him until he was old enough to effectively communicate. We're just not baby people. I like seeing/holding other babies, and I enjoy giving them back to mommy/daddy just as much









There is nothing wrong with that, and the fact that you recognize it is a good thing. I would take advantage of any and all outlets you have to get through this rough stage.

Do you have a good routine? Toddlers love routine. When he gets to be too out of control, pick him up and redirect to something else. Usually with toddlers, its either food or sleep they're lacking. One thing DS always loved was putting on some music and "Dancing". Sounds really lame, but he always got a kick out of it, it distracted him from the nerdy behavior, and made me crack a smile watching him dance.

Big thing I learned with that stage was to just let go of some of it. Establish a routine that is reasonable for both of you, and then slowly work your way up. Start small, with things like "Breakfast at X time, play time, story time, nap time, snack/lunch time, park time, nap/story, dinner, bath, bed."

Nothing hard at first. Force yourself to stick to it. Once you've got a simple one down, add small things for yourself back in. "At first naptime, I will do ONE load of laundry and wipe down the bathroom, then read a magazine/knit/whatever relaxes you"

It's okay to find this age hard. One day, it will literally just kind of fall into place and your son will be this little person with thoughts and opinions, and you'll delight in talking and doing things with him. This is a very hard stage though.









:

If he truly is not saying a single word, tantruming all day, and not getting any activities, please have him evaluated.

This is how my youngest DS was. I ignored most of it, attributing it to every child being different. I wish I had gotten him evaluated. We didn't do the evaluation until he was in kindergarten and actually got suspended for behavioral issues! He has Asperger's Syndrome and has lots of sensory issues that are now finally being worked on.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I saw many red flags when I read your post. I don't want to scare you but I agree an evaluation might bring some insight into how ds sees things. If he has a Sensory Processing Disorder, he could be under-stimulated or over-stimulated, so either shutting down because everything is too much or not getting the input he needs (needs movement, brushing etc). You can call Early Intervention and they will do an intake and schedule a meeting and get the ball rolling if you are interested in following this lead.


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## farmkids42morrow (Apr 12, 2009)

Just another mama chiming in to agree with having him evaluated. My first child was wonderful, I enjoyed him so much. Then #2 came and I was like - what is *wrong* with this kid. He NEVER had fun. NEVER was happy as an infant. Didn't talk understandably so anyone could know what he wanted. I struggled so much thinking I was just being a bad mother for him, not getting his personality or something. Uh, no - he has an autism spectrum disorder and knowing that could have saved me _years_ of negative feelings about myself and him. Call his doctor immediately and get some help. You cannot be the mama you want to be by just dragging yourself through day after day.

Also, go to a library and check out some books (or look up on the internet) info. on Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorders and just see if anything rings a bell as far as your son's behavior. If it does, you may find yourself on a difficult journey, but a rewarding one as well because you'll know where to start to make improvement in your life and your son's.


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## beru (Nov 19, 2007)

I didn't much like my daughter until about 19 months. So I know how it feels. I told my DH during the worst time that I really did sometimes wish I could just leave, desert the family. I have a son, too. And I didn't have this experience with him. They have very different personalities. I often left my DD with my DH and spent time alone with my son. I am lucky that I work out of the home, too. If I stayed at home during that time, I would have went insane. I remember actually thinking that I wouldn't care if someone took her away from me...

Perhaps you should take classes. I know money how it is when money is hard but if there is any way you can swing it, do it. Hopefully, as your little one gets older, things will get better. Another idea is to get your child involved in an activity: a babysitting coop or baby music class or something.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Another 'please call EI' vote.







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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

Another vote for having an evaluaton here, too.









My dd was difficult from birth to about 20 months old, and from there it's been all down hill. She's now 3.5 and is so much easier than most other kids her age (the only downside I can think of is that she still won't play by herself, but discipline issues are a breeze, she can communicate extremely well, eats well, sleeps better, no naps, etc.).

To own the truth, I did not clean for the first 2.5 years of dd's life. I would spot clean when things got really gross. By age 2.5, though, I was able to have a weekly household routine that worked for us. Would you financially be able to hire someone to clean bi-weekly? That might take some of the stress off. What about your dh cleaning on the weekends, and saving the laundry for him to do when he gets home from work? As for food, we still cook several casseroles on the weekends and just heat them up during the week because I don't want to cook (nor do I have the time or energy to cook) every day.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

I agree that you should get your son evaluated.

But I also wanted to say that using daycare does NOT mean you are not a good mother. I am a HORRIBLE parent (of my one, extremely easy-going, communicative and reasonable toddler) if I don't get time for myself. Over the last couple of years, while I was finishing my degree, dd had some sort of childcare for 15-20 hours per week: a college-age sitter in the home (usually with me there, doing schoolwork) and, last year, nursery school a few mornings a week.

Having time to recharge and do my own work is essential for making me a good parent. Otherwise, I'm short-tempered, frustrated, bored, and generally impatient. I too thought I would SAH full-time before I had my dd, but I quickly realized that it simply doesn't work for me. Being a "good" mom means meeting the needs both of your dc AND yourself, so that everyone can function at their best.

If you can't afford daycare or a babysitter, you could consider getting a high-school age mother's helper for 5-10 hours a week. You could get some time to do whatever it is you like to do at home, and get some relief from childcare.

I will also add, as someone who finds parenting much harder than most people I know--even with a pretty easy kid--that it does get much, much better as they get older. We're finding age 3 a bit challenging, just in terms of boundary-testing and so on, but 2 was definitely better than 1.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
I agree that you should get your son evaluated.










:

If you could get him into early intervention/speech therapy, that could really help him. He's gotta be as frustrated as you are that he can't communicate.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Kris! I agree with the PPs. Don't be so hard on yourself! I think you are doing great and even better you knew when to let it out and were honest. I need to take a lesson on that one.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I read your post and can totally identify - I would call your local early intervention line ASAP and get him evaluated. My guy was the very same at 17 months, and at that time they diagnosed him with SID - therapy helped SO MUCH!!!

Now at age 6, going on 7 he is MUCH, MUCH better. It does get easier. We are now going through testing as they believe he has Aspergers. But oh man, the toddler stage was pure hell sometimes.

Give yourself breaks and please, have him evaluated. They speach and OT will really help him be less frustrated and give you things to help give him a routine, etc.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Reminds me of my oldest son, who has developmental delays (autism spectrum). It took me a couple of years to realize how different he was. He can still be a difficult child at times, but it really helps me to know that it's not my fault (or his!) it just is.


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## Isamama (May 2, 2006)

Big Hugs!! If I may suggest, get his hearing tested. They will probably have you do this (or suggest this) with an early EI evaluation.

I think it is awesome that you are so honest about your situation. I have definitely felt the same way at times when I had post partum depression. Sometimes parenting sucks! It does sound like your child his having some difficulties that aren't very typical which would make your situation way worse. I hope you get some answers soon AND get some relief as soon as possible.

Have you communicated (I mean, really communicated) this with your husband? It sounds like you need help right now. Do you have family around that could watch him on a regular basis (maybe 3 hours a week or more if you can get it, but a regular time that you could count on and look forward to)? Going to the gym is an excellent idea!!! Getting exercise will benefit your state of mind as well. Heck, if you are too tired to exercise and if no one else can watch him, go to the gym and sit in the locker room with a book while he is in the gym daycare.

Good luck!! And more HUGS!!


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I wanted to add that if you decide to get him evaluated, you don't have to get a diagnosis (or label) for him to receive services.


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aeress* 
I wanted to add that if you decide to get him evaluated, you don't have to get a diagnosis (or label) for him to receive services.


Very true.

I went through these feelings with my son when he was this age. At one point things were so bad I wanted to leave him with my mom and move away. Instead, my mom helped me get him involved in early intervention. After six months of therapy and dietary interventions, his sensory issues and autistic-like behaviors were greatly diminished. The validation I got (that there really was something different about him) also helped me work through my negative feelings about motherhood.

Having a difficult baby is _worlds_ different from having an easy baby. Keep that in mind when you feel down about your mothering skills or if anybody thinks you're not doing your best. It's really _not_ you. My second baby is easy as pie to take care of and I'm still the same me.

My older son never did get a true diagnosis. He simply has a large set of obvious quirks that are just a _hair_ too mild to convince a developmental ped. that he has autism/asperger's. Kinda like... oh.... _me_.







I think our quirks combined made his toddler years especially hard. He had sensory issues that made him scream and I have sensory issues that make me wanna get away from that hideous noise.

Please don't feel bad about leaving him with a good caregiver so you can have time to yourself. When you have a toddler with a difficult temperament, I think its super important not to try to be superwoman, extending yourself beyond your own capabilities. Your individual strengths as a mother will have a better chance to shine if you are well rested and not overwhelmed. Getting yourself feeling happy and fulfilled is terribly important. That should, imho, be at or near the top of your list of priorities right now.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
ok, so at daycare is he different? does he throw tantrums and refuse to do anything?

I don't know - it's a gym daycare, so I don't get updates on what he's doing or anything, but I'm assuming he's well behaved or else they'd probably come get me and that's only happened once.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
Did you mean he really has no words and no signs, or are you just frustrated and exagerating to make a point? If he doesn't like bubbles, or being outside, or the stroller or the sling.... I'd be inclined to say "so what".

He really has no words. He signs "more" but I don't think he knows what it means because he signs it all the time. He can follow little "commands" like if I ask him for a hug he'll come lay his head on my lap. And I can ask him to say "Na-na" and "uh oh" and he can do that, but that's about it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Violet2* 
Parenting is hard work. I think sometimes that I would rather dig ditches.

Seriously, at this point I would rather do MATH ALL DAY LONG than be a parent. You know it's bad when...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beru* 
I didn't much like my daughter until about 19 months. So I know how it feels. I told my DH during the worst time that I really did sometimes wish I could just leave, desert the family. ...I remember actually thinking that I wouldn't care if someone took her away from me...

Another idea is to get your child involved in an activity: a babysitting coop or baby music class or something.

So relieving to hear I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I've told DH the same thing. Someone reported me to CPS last year and sometimes I am tempted to call them back up and ask them to come take this screaming beast away.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
I agree that you should get your son evaluated.

But I also wanted to say that using daycare does NOT mean you are not a good mother.

Oh I did NOT mean to imply that!! I just don't want to put him in daycare full time because I want to be home with him. And I want to be a good parent. But right now I'm just not!! Using daycare doesn't make you a bad parent. Ooh I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Isamama* 
Have you communicated (I mean, really communicated) this with your husband? It sounds like you need help right now. Do you have family around that could watch him on a regular basis (maybe 3 hours a week or more if you can get it, but a regular time that you could count on and look forward to)? Going to the gym is an excellent idea!!! Getting exercise will benefit your state of mind as well. Heck, if you are too tired to exercise and if no one else can watch him, go to the gym and sit in the locker room with a book while he is in the gym daycare.

I've talked with my hubby but I think he is so overwhelmed right now he doesn't know what to do. I've always been kind of crazy, social-anxiety/depressive/whiny/weird and I hate talking to him about this stuff because I don't want to make him feel bad. And he does so much already. I basically throw DS at him the instant DH gets home from work and then I don't get off my butt for the rest of the night.

I wish I could ask my family for more help, but they are pretty judgemental and I don't want to open up that can of worms. Plus my mom is getting her doctorate and is extremely busy. I have friends who've offered to babysit but I hate to do that because if Toby is horrid I don't want to strain our relationship.

And I've totally done the book in the locker room thing
















Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sasharna* 
The validation I got (that there really was something different about him) also helped me work through my negative feelings about motherhood.

Having a difficult baby is _worlds_ different from having an easy baby. Keep that in mind when you feel down about your mothering skills or if anybody thinks you're not doing your best. It's really _not_ you. My second baby is easy as pie to take care of and I'm still the same me.

My older son never did get a true diagnosis. He simply has a large set of obvious quirks that are just a _hair_ too mild to convince a developmental ped. that he has autism/asperger's. Kinda like... oh.... _me_.







I think our quirks combined made his toddler years especially hard. He had sensory issues that made him scream and I have sensory issues that make me wanna get away from that hideous noise.

Please don't feel bad about leaving him with a good caregiver so you can have time to yourself. When you have a toddler with a difficult temperament, I think its super important not to try to be superwoman, extending yourself beyond your own capabilities. Your individual strengths as a mother will have a better chance to shine if you are well rested and not overwhelmed. Getting yourself feeling happy and fulfilled is terribly important. That should, imho, be at or near the top of your list of priorities right now.









My grandma has backed me up that he's a hard baby, but every time I bring it up with my mom she says "he can't be nearly as bad as you were, you were an awful baby" blah blah so that's not very helpful.

I really feel like I am a hairline aspie too, for sooo many reasons, and it totally doesn't help this situation!! I don't think Toby has sensory issues (at least not from what i've read of them, which isn't much) because he screeches all the time, when he's happy or excited or furious. Bah.

Thanks for your kind words mamas. It's good to know that there are others who have survived this. I mean, I know that other mamas have survived their kids, but when I'm going crazy with this kid I convince myself that every other child is an angelic being that never throws any tantrums and I'm the only one dealing with Sir Screamsalot. Nice to really hear that there are other Screamsalots out there.

How would I go about getting him evaluated for stuff?


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
And I don't want to leave him in daycare, I want to be a good parent.

Uh... having your child in daycare doesn't mean you're a bad parent. I know you're upset, but that's pretty offensive.

In more supportive news, I hope you can find a way to make peace with this. I am sorry for both you and your son that you're having such a difficult time. I think it's incredibly brave to admit this so that you can start getting help/ finding alternatives.

ETA: Ah, I just saw the above post. Thank you for the clarification.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Seriously, at this point I would *rather do MATH* ALL DAY LONG than be a parent. You know it's bad when...

I've *always been kind of crazy, social-anxiety/depressive/whiny/weird* and I hate talking to him about this stuff because I don't want to make him feel bad. And he does so much already. I basically throw DS at him the instant DH gets home from work and then I don't get off my butt for the rest of the night.

My grandma has backed me up that he's a hard baby, but every time I bring it up with my mom she says "he *can't be nearly as bad as you were*, you were an awful baby" blah blah so that's not very helpful.

I really *feel like I am a hairline aspie too*, for sooo many reasons, and it totally doesn't help this situation!! I don't think Toby has sensory issues (at least not from what i've read of them, which isn't much) because he screeches all the time, when he's happy or excited or furious. Bah.

I'm pretty sure you are. I was going to say that already when you wrote it. I wouldn't even say "hairline" just, more on the mild side. Me, too. Just recognizing what your strengths and weaknesses are makes a big difference-- in not hating yourself, for one thing. You are okay. He is okay. It IS hard-- harder than "normal". You two will make it, it will get easier. You may want to not have anymore kids, though. (Are you LDS? I can't remember. Anyway, if you are, this counts as a health issue.







)

Not sure where to get him diagnosed, I am working that out myself.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
How would I go about getting him evaluated for stuff?

Contact your local school district or ask your pediatrician. They will know how to begin. I also was going to say to have him evaluated and/or a check up with the pediatrician. It sounds like something is going on here. For him AND you, if something is going on, it will help both of you very much to know what it is.

And for the daycare thing- I totally understand. But sometimes, having a break makes you a BETTER mom. My son has different issues, but when he started pre-school at 3, I was a wreck. He's supposed to be home with me! But I was SO much more together and positive after he'd come home at 11:30 becuase I could think about strategies, have a minute to myself, get the chores done so that I could focus on being a mom to a kid who very much needed my attention. And honestly, if you are feeling so lost and overwhelmed that you are considering leaving or calling CPS (I know you said it in partial jest, but it sounds like the real thought has crossed your mind), extended day care is certainly better than that...

It WILL change. But, honestly- it doesn't necessarily get easier, just different. The old challenges go and new ones come up. Everyone has their stages that they are "the best" at, and maybe toddlerhood isn't your easy one. That will certainly change as he gets older.

But really, between the continual unhappiness and disinterest and lack of desire to use words or signs... I would talk to someone (ped or school).


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
You may want to not have anymore kids, though. (Are you LDS? I can't remember. Anyway, if you are, this counts as a health issue.







)

"Luckily" I had to be sterilized earlier this year because of the first pregnancy damaging my heart so badly, so I have twice the excuse (yes I am LDS







)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexsam* 
Contact your local school district or ask your pediatrician. They will know how to begin. I also was going to say to have him evaluated and/or a check up with the pediatrician. It sounds like something is going on here. For him AND you, if something is going on, it will help both of you very much to know what it is.

And for the daycare thing- I totally understand. But sometimes, having a break makes you a BETTER mom. My son has different issues, but when he started pre-school at 3, I was a wreck. He's supposed to be home with me! But I was SO much more together and positive after he'd come home at 11:30 becuase I could think about strategies, have a minute to myself, get the chores done so that I could focus on being a mom to a kid who very much needed my attention. And honestly, if you are feeling so lost and overwhelmed that you are considering leaving or calling CPS (I know you said it in partial jest, but it sounds like the real thought has crossed your mind), extended day care is certainly better than that...

It WILL change. But, honestly- it doesn't necessarily get easier, just different. The old challenges go and new ones come up. Everyone has their stages that they are "the best" at, and maybe toddlerhood isn't your easy one. That will certainly change as he gets older.

Sometimes it's almost like getting a break makes things worse. I get started on things like cleaning or sewing and then he wakes up and I can't finish and it drives me crazy. Or we drop him off at my mom's so DH and I can have a date, and when we come back it's just like AAHHH. I do miss him at night sometimes, if he's been asleep for 3 or 4 hours and I'm on MDC. Then he wakes up in the morning and I forget all about that.









We do plan on sending him to a pre-school when he is 3 or so, so he can have more exposure to other kids. We just really can't afford to send him until then, and some days I just don't know if I can make it another 18 months. Today has been a good day so I feel bad for posting this though.

Being a parent is so hard and so scary. I don't feel qualified to do this. I don't feel old enough for this - I'm still just a kid myself! Okay I know I'm 22 but I still feel like I'm 16. I can barely stand up for myself, and now I have to stand up for my kid? This is semi-terrifying. where's the nail biting smilie when you need it?


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 

Sometimes it's almost like getting a break makes things worse. I get started on things like cleaning or sewing and then he wakes up and I can't finish and it drives me crazy. Or we drop him off at my mom's so DH and I can have a date, and when we come back it's just like AAHHH.

I found, though, with the breaks, that they need to be long enough (like, enough to actually get something done) and consistent (so that I could plan on things... That I knew if I did not finish something or really had something I wanted to do, that I could do it).

I'm not "pushing" for the break business, I just know that at that point, I myself was like "I should be able to DO this! I want to be GREAT at this!" and so I didn't want to do the break thing because I felt like it would in some way be admiting defeat, or that I would be "less than perfect". But then I found out how much better I could be if I wasn't so frazzled and overwhelmed. And, if it turns out that your LO has some special needs, they often provide programs and support- like special playgroups, care, therapies, etc. for free (so another reason to get him evaluated).

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I just wanted to add that in addition to having your son evaluated by EI, I think YOU should be evaluated for depression.


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## spottiew (Jan 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
He really has no words. He signs "more" but I don't think he knows what it means because he signs it all the time. He can follow little "commands" like if I ask him for a hug he'll come lay his head on my lap. And I can ask him to say "Na-na" and "uh oh" and he can do that, but that's about it.

How would I go about getting him evaluated for stuff?

i don't think my kid had words at 17 mo... i remember an age where all the others had 20-60 and we had like 5... but at 2 came the language explosion, and now at 4 he is a major non-stop chatterbox. he did have ear infections 15-18 mo, that could be a factor. he was very active, but i hvae seen other kids that age who just aren't yet... and some are schreechers too. i had tantrums at that age, but it's nothing like age 4- i too just wish i didn't have to be around it, i have such a negative outlook on it right now


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

*Phathui's husband here*

*Dad Here*

Look, my 23 month old is screaming at me right now. All my kids have screamed at me constantly until about the 2 1/2 year old mark. They mostly love the wife, they hate me. I can honestly say I haven't felt real close to my kids until they get older than two.

Your kid isn't speaking at 17 months? Worry not, dear Krisis, only one of my kids spoke at that age. Maybe three of them could say "Momma" or "Dadda" but any more than that was a sure scretch. Don't compare your kid to other kids. He'll develop in his own time (For instance, my now 3 1/2 year old could throw a ball clear across the house at about 18 months but couldn't talk until a couple months ago. Those developmental timeline thingies are kinda nice, but they aren't always true.)

Look, I have four kids. And sometimes they drive me batty. I totally get it when you say a break is worse. When I work all day I come home and want to be left alone. If the break is in the middle of the day, the afternoons are worse. If I spend all day with them then my sanity lasts until I know bedtime is an hour away. In which case I know it's me causing myself all that anxiety.

Being a parent ain't easy. But it gets easier and more enjoyable once your kid hits about 2 1/2. I have to say, many people speak of the terrible twos but with all my kids the whole 18 - 24 range is just darnright challenging. I called my 23 month old a "jerk" today (He's biting, pinching, headbutting). Really, he's acting like a little puke. But it'll wear off. It did with all the other kids. And then they start talking and throwing footballs and they stop pissing in their pants. It's all up hill in a couple months.

Get back to me in 6 months and tell me if I ain't right.


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