# Question for pre-existing moms who m/c



## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Just curious-is it easier do you think, to miscarry knowng you have other children? I am pretty low recently and part of it is that almost everyone I talked to after was like "well, you have other children" "Well, it's better than giving birth to a baby with chromosomal defects" I heard it so much I started believing it. I know I am so blessed to have children but those comments just took away the validity of what happened. I mean let ME think of the positives PLEASE. What was the grieving part like for you? I thought I was doing great but feeling pretty low lately (2 weeks after). I feel like people expect me to be over it...


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## possum (Nov 23, 2004)

My miscarriages were both before my son was born, but I couldn't read and not post. It hurts. Period. You lost a little one who was loved and cared for and shouldn't let other people tell you how you should feel.
While I hated the endless, thoughtless comments that people make, I do think that they were trying to help. I just tried to take the love from what people said rather than listening to their inane words.
But what hurt most was when people wouldn't talk about my miscarriages.







, mama.
Melinda


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I had a full-term stillbirth and I do think it was easier for me to already have a living child. NOT because I already had a child but for her help in my grieving process. After I lost my second dd all I could think of was to hold and hug my first dd. Having her be with me and hug me when I cried really helped.

I definitely don't think that whether you have living children or not has any bearing on how much you will grieve. Lots of folks just don't know what to say when someone loses a baby. They mean well but blurt out a bunch of stuff most of us would rather not hear. Every baby that is lost will tear your heart out. And there is no time-line to 'getting over it'. I feel like I will grieve for the rest of my life.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Does having TWO beautiful, smart, sweet, wonderful children make me feel better about giving birth to two babies at 20 weeks- one an hospital induction and 17 weeks - in my bathroom at home who had already died weeks earlier or losing another baby in disbelief a week after I found out I was pregnant? Ummm, no. It does not make me feel better and hearing, " Oh, you have two children" makes me feel worse. I am SO GRATEFUL for my children, but it doesn't negate my grief over losing the babies I have lost. Having living children doesn't make it any easier.

And while I DO think I would feel absolutely hopeless if I had no children at all, I still feel pretty hopeless. I also KNOW what would become of those babes I lost. I know what it feels like to nurse a child at my breast and I mourn the loss of not getting to do that with the babes I lost. I look at my living children and know that they would have loved their siblings with all of their hearts.

The loss of a mother who has no living children is different than a mother who loses a baby and has children. But neither are more severe or worse off or whatever.

Grieve, cry, get angry ( that's where I am), talk to people, and let them know that you ARE sad, that you ARE grieving, and that you lost one of your children 2 weeks ago. Just because that baby was small, and not born alive doesn't change that at all.

Like Dr. Seuss said- " A person is a person no matter how small"

Hugs to you!


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## Ilaria (Jan 14, 2002)

Yes, much easier for me.
I had 2 MCs and thought I could never have kids, I was desperate. Then I had 2 kids, then 2 more miscarriages. Those were much easier. Also, from the get go, I didn't get excited or dared to hope.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I have three children, all my losses are after them and I still get upset.
I think about how old our first loss would be and that if we had him/her we probably wouldn't have even tried for Avery (2nd loss/16 weeks) or our most recent loss at approx 6 weeks. I have my daughter's ashes in a container in my china cabinet. Noone should have to do this, ever. Do I think it is easier if you have kids, no I do not!

I am grateful that I have my boys to hold and love but it doesn't make the losses any easier.

Take care!


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

For me I had a miscarriage, had DS, and now another miscarriage. The first one was much harder than this last one. Having a living child did make it easier for me this time. I had him to focus on and I knew that I could do this, as in carry a baby, b/c I had done it before. That is what gives me hope for getting pregnant again. I also had a natural miscarriage the first time and a D&C this time. The D&C was much easier on my body and on my emotions. When I had my first miscarriage I was completely freaked out that I would never had kids. My whole life revolved around having children and I didn't know if it would ever be a possibility. I got very depressed. This time I greived, I still get sad especially when I hear about moms due in July, but I'm coping and really doing quite well comparatively to last time.

I've also had a lot of good support this time from those around me and from this board. I think that makes a huge difference.







to you.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

It is very healing to be able to focus on my daughter, who is wonderful. When I'm very sad I hold her and cuddle her. And I've noticed that I'm displacing a lot of my emotional energy on planning things for her (thinking a lot about her birthday which is still two months away, etc.).

That said, it was so COMPLETELY not helpful when, just a few days after my miscarriage and traumatic emergency D&C, someone tried to tell me that I was a lot luckier than most people because I already had a wonderful, healthy child.


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## sewingmommy (Apr 21, 2007)

It was very helpful after my m/c to have my son ....I had to be strong for him ....and I think that if I had just lain around feeling sorry (which is alright for many not saying its wrong ) that I would have become extremely depressed.....


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
I am SO GRATEFUL for my children, but it doesn't negate my grief over losing the babies I have lost. Having living children doesn't make it any easier.

And while I DO think I would feel absolutely hopeless if I had no children at all, I still feel pretty hopeless. I also KNOW what would become of those babes I lost. I know what it feels like to nurse a child at my breast and I mourn the loss of not getting to do that with the babes I lost. I look at my living children and know that they would have loved their siblings with all of their hearts.

The loss of a mother who has no living children is different than a mother who loses a baby and has children. But neither are more severe or worse off or whatever.

Grieve, cry, get angry ( that's where I am), talk to people, and let them know that you ARE sad, that you ARE grieving, and that you lost one of your children 2 weeks ago. Just because that baby was small, and not born alive doesn't change that at all.

Like Dr. Seuss said- " A person is a person no matter how small"

Hugs to you!









:

I m/cd my first, and then lost dd2's twin at 24 weeks.

Dd1 told me this morning that she wished two babies had come out of my tummy when Ellen was born.









It does give me hope and a reason to get out of bed in the morning, having my girls. So in that respect it is better. But I find I also stuff away a lot of my emotions and don't deal with them because I don't want dd1 to know mama is sad all the time. Like Parker'sMommy said, it is just different, not necessarily better or worse, and it still hurts like he**, and is something none of us should ever have to experience.








:


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
And while I DO think I would feel absolutely hopeless if I had no children at all, I still feel pretty hopeless. I also KNOW what would become of those babes I lost. I know what it feels like to nurse a child at my breast and I mourn the loss of not getting to do that with the babes I lost. I look at my living children and know that they would have loved their siblings with all of their hearts.

This.

My losses have helped me realize what a miracle life is, and made my love for my DD even deeper, but having her certainly didn't make it easier or any less painful.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

I have four beautiful healthy children at home. I lost our fifth baby this week, in week 11 of pregnancy. OMG, it feels like my heart if being ripped out, and I crave and hunger to hold that sweet little baby that we lost, although she never saw a sunrise or our faces. Having my four children makes me feel a little less despondant, I mean, I know at least I already have a family, even though I do not feel it is "complete." But does it make the pain of the loss any less? No, definitely not. If anything, it makes it worse---I know exactly what I am missing, and know that the children will not meet, love and hold their precious little sibling.


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

For me, having my kids does make it easier. Mostly because I can hugs and kiss them and love them. It helps me feel less empty.


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## i0lanthe (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mumster* 
Just curious-is it easier do you think, to miscarry knowng you have other children? I am pretty low recently and part of it is that almost everyone I talked to after was like "well, you have other children"

All statements with "well," or "at least" should be banned IMO... to me it is as inappropriate as saying "well, you have another parent" after someone loses their father or mother, and it's a good thing no one has said it to me or I'd probably say exactly that to them. I haven't been very prone to censoring what I say about m/c inquiries.

I can't compare because I've only had a post-children pregnancy loss. My children were great as a distraction from grief (probably more effective at distraction than beloved cats/dogs/furbabies/birds? certainly more time-consuming) but on the other hand that meant that for a couple of months I cried whenever they weren't around. The crying still has to happen somewhere.

I read _A Grief Observed_ (C.S. Lewis on losing a spouse) shortly after my d&c and he journaled that grief was like a circle, or hopefully an upward spiral, but that at any rate you keep coming back around to "stages" where you've already been... (when people get "stuck" in one place and can't get out of it then I would worry; but moving around between places, pretty normal/ok, I think.) And that people expect someone to be "over it" (any grief really) way too soon.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

i think it is painful no matter what.

but for me, my son has helped me. not knowingly. but just looking at him, and holding him is healing me.

the other day he climbed up on me (he had a fever) and i cuddled his big, five year old body, on my lap. (it's amazing he still fits!) and he fell asleep in minutes. i rocked and rocked him and it felt so wonderful. i am so grateful to have him, and that he lets me still cuddle him is a blessing.


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## MaryLang (Jun 18, 2004)

My first two m/c's were before we had any living children, and those were very hard on me. But my recent m/c after having 3 children was hard too, like pp say just different. It is easier having the kids around to love and hold and live for, when I feel like I can't go on. I see they're faces and it is very healing. I've had to hold it together more than I did with my first two, I can't really run to my bed crying and screaming and breaking down like I did with my first, not that there weren't days of constant tears, just not the complete mess I had been with the first. Also knowing how amazing it is to have a newborn in the house makes it harder too. I just want to kiss those teeny tiny feet and nuzzle that sweet tiny baby smelling head. I want to wrap that little one all up in my nice comfy babywrap and walk around the house feeling that warm little body against mine. But I am forever grateful that I have had the chance to have done all of those things before. I notice more now that when I do look at my childrens faces, I am transported back to the time they were that tiny and am even more amazed then I had been before.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

My M/C was really hard on me, but I was so thankful to have have DD to hold and hug and love through it all. I just thank God over and over again for her. I think my M/C would have been much more difficult on me if I did not have a baby at home already. I think I would have a lot more questions wondering if it was my body, or blame myself more if I had not already had a full term PG that resulted in a living child. I know I didn't do anything different. It is easier for me to accept as just one of those thing. But I do miss my







every day.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Immediately after my miscarriage, having my daughter did make it all easier. I was so glad that I had been through labor and to the hospital and left with a live baby. And she was such a comfort to me in those first days. Then I mourned the baby brother who won't be three years' younger than her. That she won't have a sibling at the age difference I had wanted for her.

And I'm in the "mommy" circle now, so I see pregnant women and women with newborns every day. With most first pregnancy miscarriages, if one is working in a job that doesn't deal with moms/families, they aren't likely to encounter all these pregos everyday!

Can't see one is easier than the other, though. Both are just darn hard.


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## MommytoHHH (Sep 12, 2006)

I think, for me, in some ways it was more difficult. I had two miscarriages before having my DD. While I was devastated, not having actually gone through a successful pregnancy before, I did not really know what I was missing. In September I had my 3rd miscarriage. I felt very, very depressed for a long time. I couldn't stop thinking about how pregnant I should be, and about the baby that should be coming but wasn't. That said, I was very thankful to have my DD. She reminded me of everything that is precious to me and kept me going.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry, that you're having to deal with comments. The truth is that everyone is different, each loss is different.

I have no children, people have told me that it will be easier because we don't know what we've lost. Either way, I wish they would just keep their comments to themselves, they just don't know...

It hurts.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaclyn7* 
I am so sorry, that you're having to deal with comments. The truth is that everyone is different, each loss is different.
...
It hurts.

I imagine that this is the only generalization anyone can really make about losing a baby. Everyone is different and we all hurt.

For me, having other children does comfort me and keep me busy but my daughters also remind me that I have lost a precious little girl and invite all sorts of haunting questions into my head -- would Reese have looked like H or G? Would she have been an early talker like H? An early crawler like G? And on and on and on...

I suspect it hurts no matter what. I'm sorry for your pain.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Thanks so much for all your posts. It helps validate my sadness over our loss and I really appreciate your support.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I got that comment a lot after my miscarriage. I had 3 little boys at that time that I lost my dd at 16 weeks. What upset me about that comment was the idea that I shouldn't grieve as much because I already had 3 children. As if by grieving for my lost baby, I was somehow not as thankful for the three that I had. It almost seemed to me that people were saying that I didn't have the right to grieve when I had some much to be thankful for. I always wanted to ask them if I wouldn't be allowed to grieve if it had been one of my "living" children that died, because hey, I'd still have 2 left. So yup, it drove me crazy. I know that people are trying to be helpful by pointing out that you have other children, but it takes away from the child you lost in a weird way. At least it did for me. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

I would never want to negate or disqualify someone else's grief-- to lose a pregnancy or a child is absolutely terrible no matter what. But I think it would HAVE to be "better" (like we can quantify/qualify these things!) when you already have children.

A large part of what I'm feeling right now is... _panic_, that I will never, ever have biological children-- that something is seriously, unfixably _wrong_ with me-- that I'm somehow 'broken' inside. Also, this feeling of immense frustration-- starting a family has been my focus and priority for a long time now, and I am no nearer to that today than I was 2 years ago. I want to be a _mother_. Every time I miscarry, I'm losing that definition of myself; it's not just one pregnancy or one baby, it's my first and ONLY one at that point-- it's my entire future as a mother.

I can't help but feel that if I had a baby _right this minute_, then I'd still be mourning my miscarriage but at least I'd know that I could have another. I'd already be a mom, already have my family started-- how could that not help the way I'm feeling right now? I want a large family-- maybe 4 kiddies. If I had one and then had more miscarriages, it would still be devastating--losing what would have been a sibling, a part of the big happy family of my dreams, but it couldn't be as bad as this... right? This feeling of maybe it will never happen for us?

ETA: I wouldn't ever say the "at least" comment to a grieving mother, though-- like she isn't already aware of her precious children! I'm just trying to work out how I'd feel... right now I'd feel that if I had one living baby in my arms I could deal with anything else...


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 
I would never want to negate or disqualify someone else's grief-- to lose a pregnancy or a child is absolutely terrible no matter what. But I think it would HAVE to be "better" (like we can quantify/qualify these things!) when you already have children.

A large part of what I'm feeling right now is... _panic_, that I will never, ever have biological children-- that something is seriously, unfixably _wrong_ with me-- that I'm somehow 'broken' inside. Also, this feeling of immense frustration-- starting a family has been my focus and priority for a long time now, and I am no nearer to that today than I was 2 years ago. I want to be a _mother_. Every time I miscarry, I'm losing that definition of myself; it's not just one pregnancy or one baby, it's my first and ONLY one at that point-- it's my entire future as a mother.

This captures a lot of what I'm feeling right now. I am ravaged by fear that pregnancy, birth, and a child who looks a little like me and a little like my husband aren't in my future. And I don't know what to do with that fear.


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## joanq (Oct 27, 2005)

It may be different if you have other children, but I can't imagine that it makes it easier.

I know that having had a child in the same month that my lost one was due in was very difficult. I have pictures of myself from the first pregnancy and know exactly what I should be feeling etc. I knew when I would have felt the kick etc.

Also having a child, I worry about him more now since my losses.

Any of those platitudes that people give are hurtful. I don't think you can compare anyone's loss or tell anyone that it should be easier for them than others. My aunt actually told me (on the call informing her of my ectopic pregnancy) that maybe I should be grateful that I only have one child because having two can be so difficult. I mean, what do you say to something like that? Unbelievable.

Take care and grieve how YOU need to grieve. No one can tell you how or when you should feel peace.

Take care.


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## Ilaria (Jan 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starkyld* 
This captures a lot of what I'm feeling right now. I am ravaged by fear that pregnancy, birth, and a child who looks a little like me and a little like my husband aren't in my future. And I don't know what to do with that fear.

That is exactly how I felt after my first 2 mcs and no kids, I was devastated by that very thought. When I had my other 2 MCs after my 2 kids, I felt maybe I was meant to just have 2 kids and felt lucky I did. I was disappointed but not devastated.


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