# disappointed in my children's grandparents



## bhawkins (Jun 5, 2005)

When I was a kid my grandparents used to beg for me to come visit or spend the night. When my parents went out together, it was a given that that is where I would go. I guess I mistakenly thought that the trend would continue for me and my children. Wrong!

Both my parents (my mom especially) and DH's parents act like they cannot be bothered to occasionally watch our children. And by occasionally, I mean like once a month, or maybe twice. My mom will usually say, "Well, I *can*." As if she only will under duress. And his mom, who begged me to let DS #2 spend the night when he was less than a year old, no longer has any interest in watching the kids for a few hours, much less having them spend the night (the older ones).

I know my kids aren't perfect, by they are their grandchildren regardless. It just pisses me off that I feel like they'd never see them if I didn't bring them to their house and they act put out when I ask them to watch them while DH and I have a moment to ourselves.

I am so burned out right not. I would be happy with a one hour reprieve here and there. But they are too busy living their lives, riding around in a convertible, having dinner with whomever, projects of various sorts. Can't they just save a few hours to spend with my kids????

OK, rant over







:.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

I am sorry that you are going through this.

It sounds like the GP's are very self centered. I just can't understand not wanting to hang out with your GK's....







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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Well, that's just unthinkable! If I am fortunate enough to have grandchildren someday, I will consider caring for them when I am able to be an honor and a blessing. Kinda the way my parents and ILs do.









I'm sorry they're being like that. Sad for you, for your kids, and for the GPs, even though they don't know it.


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

You know, not everybody *likes* caring for small children. You can love your child or grandchild to death and still be exhausted by the demands and energy put out by that child, especially if you are older. As parents we have to be responsible for our children no matter how exhausted we are; but in my opinion grandparents get to choose since they already raised their children and may just want some time doing their own thing now.

I'm sorry that you are so burned out and hope that you can find respite care somewhere else. I don't know why your parents and parents-in-law aren't more involved, but it is what it is. You and they obviously have different expectations of the grandparent's role. If you allow resentment to grow up it will affect your and your childrens' relationship with them; whereas if you just accept that this is who they are then the relationship will be much smoother and may very well blossom as the kids grow older.

By the way, I do understand, because my parents are the same way and my dh's parents are deceased. No support there! But I don't feel resentful about it, I just figure this is who they are and bottom line is dd is my kid not theirs. I wasn't close to my grandparents as a kid, though, so maybe that is why it is easy for me to accept.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

You describe my MIL! She really has no interest in the kids. She's happy to show up once every blue moon and bounce them around for an hour wearing her "World's Greatest Grandma" t-shirt. (I don't know where she got it). But its all on her terms. She won't even try to see them during her regular full weeks off from work.

My mother on the other hand is the complete extreme opposite calling me up every 3 or 4 days complaining she is missing them and wanting to know when she'll see them again next. Sort of drives you buggy in a whole other way! LOL!

I grew up really close to my mother's mother. Her home was my second home. I probably spent just as much time with her as my own mom. My grandmother loved it, mother loved it, I loved it, and my mother wants to have the same thing with my kids.

My husband is actually very hurt by his mother's aloofness. He's cried to me about it (literally) a few times. But he won't confront her on it. It doesn't help that we both believe his dad (my FIL) would have been ALL ABOUT the kids if he were still alive. He died just 1 week before my first was born.

So, I do feel for you. It is painful. As the child you personally feel rejected and you hurt for your kids because you feel they are missing out.


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## jsmith2279 (Jan 12, 2007)

I feel you.

My MIL visits now on the average of once a month for about 45 minutes, even though she's 10 minutes or so down the street.

She's very busy playing World of Warcraft, and can't come over after work or on weekends because her "online friends are waiting for her". (Won't get into how she drove 3 states over to meet a few of them for the weekend, but couldn't be bothered to give DS a few hours of time).








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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

I can't remember the magazine, but I read an interesting article recently about how the roles of grandparents have changed. They have their own lives and are too busy to babysit their grandchildren nowadays.

In our case, it isn't that they're too busy, it's more like they just don't care to.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thao* 
You know, not everybody *likes* caring for small children. You can love your child or grandchild to death and still be exhausted by the demands and energy put out by that child, especially if you are older. As parents we have to be responsible for our children no matter how exhausted we are; but in my opinion grandparents get to choose since they already raised their children and may just want some time doing their own thing now.

I'm sorry that you are so burned out and hope that you can find respite care somewhere else. I don't know why your parents and parents-in-law aren't more involved, but it is what it is. You and they obviously have different expectations of the grandparent's role. If you allow resentment to grow up it will affect your and your childrens' relationship with them; whereas if you just accept that this is who they are then the relationship will be much smoother and may very well blossom as the kids grow older.

By the way, I do understand, because my parents are the same way and my dh's parents are deceased. No support there! But I don't feel resentful about it, I just figure this is who they are and bottom line is dd is my kid not theirs. I wasn't close to my grandparents as a kid, though, so maybe that is why it is easy for me to accept.

________________________________________________

I agree.


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

My IL's are like this. My parents, not so much, they'd love to watch the kids.. but they lived 5 hours away.

We just moved AWAY from the IL's.. because in the 5 years of living 10 minutes from them, they had NO time for us, period. Not to visit, not to come by and have dinner, nothing. They literally only talked to us when they wanted something. It wasn't unusual to have a 3-month span go by where no one called us at all, and then magically the phone rings when someone needs new brakes on their car, or needs landscaping done. And they expected us to jump right up and do it NOW.

We finally just got fed up. They want to waltz around like the greatest grandparents in the universe in front of all their friends, but they have NO intest in our kids whatsoever. They were seeing them maybe once every 4-6 months, and that was THEIR choice.

We finally just moved. We moved to FL from NY to get away from that kind of stress. It was literally driving DH to madness, then depression that his family was so careless.

In the close to 4 years we've been parents, we've had a night away from the kids 3 times. For 2 hours each. That's less than one day a year. So I know what you mean about burnt out. But, there's nothing I can do about it but know how I will be as a grandparent and inlaw in the future. I am determined to NEVER be like my IL's...


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

You're not alone. My mom wants nothing to do with her grandkids and will only watch them if she absolutely *has* to. It is really a shame that she does not see her grandchildren for the beautiful privilege and gift that they are. She only sees them as work she doesn't feel like doing and responsibility she doesn't feel like taking on. If it involves doing anything for anyone but #1, my mom simply isn't interested. Thankfully my dad and stepmom and DH's mom are all wonderful and love their grandchildren dearly, so I know at least my kids will grow up knowing what a good grandparent is.

And you know what else is strange? My own grandmother practically raised me as a child because my mom was a single mom. I would stay the night at my grandma's if my mom had to work nights and if she went out partying and doing whatever (which she did frequently). My own grandmother is the kind of person who will wash your sinkful of dirty dishes and fold the laundry if she sees that it needs to be done. She is always going out of her way to help others, and is truly one of the most kind and giving people I've ever known. I DO NOT understand how my mother-my grandmother's daughter-could turn out to be so selfish and disengaged from her own family. I guess I was hoping the same thing that you were, OP. I'm convinced at this point that some people are just rotten from day one, and even the best upbringing couldn't have any effect on them.

Sigh...sorry to hijack.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 
It is painful. As the child you personally feel rejected and you hurt for your kids because you feel they are missing out.

Totally. My 2.5yo son has been asking recently "Go see Maggie? Tucker? Grandma?" Maggie is my mom's dog and Tucker is one of her cats. And I have to explain to a 2.5yo that doesn't even understand why we can't go see grandma anymore, why he can't see the animals. (bad incident recently, that and my mom can't even be bothered to clean up when she knows we're coming to visit. The house was honestly so filthy I could not in good conscience allow my children to be there without me-and I have no desire to be there with the house in the condition its in now. She can't even get her act together for her own family. It's shameful.)


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 
wearing her "World's Greatest Grandma" t-shirt. (I don't know where she got it)

OMG, for some reason this cracked me up so badly!!!!
























I'm just picturing her going out and buying *herself* this shirt and putting it on like "yeah baby, I'm the BEST!"









Talk about wishful thinking. Maybe if I buy myself a shirt that says "World's Best House Cleaner" it will magically become true.









Anyway, OP, I'm sorry your kids GPs are so disappointing. I have similar issues with mine. Hire some good babysitters and go out with your husband sometimes. I was scared to leave DS with a sitter but I found a few I trust and it makes a huge difference. I'd rather the GPs be more involved, but what can you do?


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Mama Poot wrote:

Quote:

And you know what else is strange? My own grandmother practically raised me as a child because my mom was a single mom. I would stay the night at my grandma's if my mom had to work nights and if she went out partying and doing whatever (which she did frequently). My own grandmother is the kind of person who will wash your sinkful of dirty dishes and fold the laundry if she sees that it needs to be done. She is always going out of her way to help others, and is truly one of the most kind and giving people I've ever known. I DO NOT understand how my mother-my grandmother's daughter-could turn out to be so selfish and disengaged from her own family.
Um, because your grandmother aided and abetted your mother's selfishness and disengagement when you were little (and probably before) by practically raising you, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and generally taking care of things. Your mother probably takes it for granted that your grandmother does this and feels entitled to it. When your grandmother dies, your mother will expect this help from someone else.

From what I've seen and read, it was very common for mothers during the Baby Boom (approximately) to do a lot for their children and expect very little work or responsibility from them. Baby Boomers were the first generation to be more peer-oriented than adult-oriented, so instead of modeling their adult lives after their parents, many of them expect to behave like pampered teenagers all their lives. This may be what's going on with some of the grandparents in this thread.








BHawkins, I'm sorry your kids don't have the kind of grandparents you hoped they would. I hope you can find somebody else to babysit so you can have some time off!

My son's grandparents live far away, so our assumptions about free childcare were minimal. He's stayed with MOL once and with my parents once while EnviroDaddy and I went to a movie. Both times, the grandparents were very burned-out when we got home!







But our parents are oldish (mid-60s) and they do love their grandson very much and show lots of interest in him...they're just not up to caring for him on their own very much until he's older!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My parents don't really like being with small kids. My mom would do it when they were little, but it was hard and stressful for her.

My nephew was let's call him a "handful". Even his own parents wouldn't ask my parents to watch him. (they asked me)


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

The way I see it, my parents and ILs did their job by raising their own children. I would never expect them to act as free babysitters for mine, or expect them to spend an inordinate amount of time with my kids. I certainly don't intend to fulfil that role if my DDs choose to have children.


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## bhawkins (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
The way I see it, my parents and ILs did their job by raising their own children. I would never expect them to act as free babysitters for mine, or expect them to spend an inordinate amount of time with my kids. I certainly don't intend to fulfil that role if my DDs choose to have children.

I don't think I expect free babysitting or inordinate amounts of time. I just expect that they would *want* to spend some time with the children that their own flesh-and-blood children produced. Seems logical to me.

You really don't plan to play much of a grandparenting role in the future (provided you have them)?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bhawkins* 
I don't think I expect free babysitting or inordinate amounts of time. I just expect that they would *want* to spend some time with the children that their own flesh-and-blood children produced. Seems logical to me.

You really don't plan to play much of a grandparenting role in the future (provided you have them)?

Not when they are babies or small, no. I could hardly stand my own at that age, I doubt I will like that stage any better in grandchildren.


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## AoifesMom (Sep 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 
You describe my MIL! She really has no interest in the kids. She's happy to show up once every blue moon and bounce them around for an hour wearing her "World's Greatest Grandma" t-shirt. (I don't know where she got it). But its all on her terms. She won't even try to see them during her regular full weeks off from work.

My mother on the other hand is the complete extreme opposite calling me up every 3 or 4 days complaining she is missing them and wanting to know when she'll see them again next. Sort of drives you buggy in a whole other way! LOL!

I grew up really close to my mother's mother. Her home was my second home. I probably spent just as much time with her as my own mom. My grandmother loved it, mother loved it, I loved it, and my mother wants to have the same thing with my kids.

My husband is actually very hurt by his mother's aloofness. He's cried to me about it (literally) a few times. But he won't confront her on it. It doesn't help that we both believe his dad (my FIL) would have been ALL ABOUT the kids if he were still alive. He died just 1 week before my first was born.

So, I do feel for you. It is painful. As the child you personally feel rejected and you hurt for your kids because you feel they are missing out.

This is exactly our situation as well. Except, my husband has confronted his mother about it and she still doesn't spend time with them. She always says how busy she is. Funny, she has plenty of time to spend with her new husband's grandchildren.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bhawkins* 
I know my kids aren't perfect, by they are their grandchildren regardless.

There could be a host of things going on, but this sentence caught my attention. Have they complained about your kids' behavior? I know one couple who has this problem with one group of their grandchildren. The woman told me about it and cried. She said, "I'm ashamed to say it because they're my grandkids, but I can't stand to keep them." They don't respect her things or her wishes when they're with her, and she just can't take it. So if both sets refuse and/or complain, then perhaps there is something there you need to address.


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## Best Feeling (May 11, 2005)

I agree with that some people just aren't "kid" people and understand that some grandparents don't want to babysit. But I don't understand grandparents who don't even want to _see_ their grandchildren.

My MIL is a lot like that. In fact, over Christmas we were visiting and she was hounding DH & I every day to come visit them in the spring _without_ the kids...apparantly it was too much to work around them for one of the two times a year they even see them







Yah, if I'm taking a vacation without the kids I'm sure as hell am not going to visit my MIL.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
I am sorry that you are going through this.

It sounds like the GP's are very self centered. I just can't understand not wanting to hang out with your GK's....







:

Maybe they have a hard time getting them to behave and can't enjoy them? This was true of my own mother and my son. He just wouldn't behave well for grammy.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I think we need to keep in mind that others, even grandparents, don't find our children quite as fascinating as we do as parents.


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## glendora (Jan 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I think we need to keep in mind that others, even grandparents, don't find our children quite as fascinating as we do as parents.









that:

I also see that a lot of grandparents are fine with one-at-a-time visits--special "spoiling," particularly with kids that can talk. But, as free labor for multiple children? Not so much.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

So sad they don't want a close relationship with the grand children.
I'm a tail end baby boomer and Dh is already making plans, we don't even have any married or dating kids yet. He says if our DIL's have to work we will do all the babysitting. UmmmOK. I had no idea he wanted grand children even, he tells the boys when a girls takes an interest in you, RUN!
So I guess I won't be going back to work, ever at this point. Ds#1 is 20 this year and I have a three year old to raise followed by a lot of babysitting to do


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## SarahGuinn (Mar 6, 2002)

I didn't read the responses but from the OP it sounds like you spent so much time at your grandmother's because your parents wanted grownup time a lot. Now it's all grown up time all the time. Think about it.









Sucks though, I know.


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## meganeilis (Mar 12, 2006)

Babysitting isn't just "spending quality time with the grandkids", it's WORK. Meals, bedtimes, baths. That stuff isn't easy when you're out of the raising kids groove. Heck, taking care of my own kid is work, and I love him more than anyone else in the world does. I hate to see grandparents getting a bad rap because they'd prefer to spend time with the entire family instead of babysitting.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Not when they are babies or small, no. I could hardly stand my own at that age, I doubt I will like that stage any better in grandchildren.

Don't hold back choli, tell us how you really feel


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

we depend upon our family alot mostly because of my son's high needs. he is autistic and we have a baby as well. he is very sensory seeking and so it's hard to get ANYTHING done when he is awake. he stays with my mother one night a week and with DH's parents one or two weekends a month. i'm actuially not that happy about it but i need the sleep and so does the baby who is waked by his brother every night. in a perfect world i would not want grandparents who kept him that much.

i totally feel your need for a break but, in the thick of this kid raising experience, i can't tell you how much i look forward to a period in my life where i can one again sleep til noon, watch star trek all day, and walk around nekkie if i want to. i'm completely convinced that's what my grandparents did when i wasn't around.

one thing that worked for my family was to ask for some specific kinds of help. my mother watches my son on a regular designated night and in return i help her with specific things. it's not a spur of the moment thing, it's on her scedual, and i know when the next break is coming.


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## bhawkins (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
There could be a host of things going on, but this sentence caught my attention. Have they complained about your kids' behavior?

No, they've never mentioned their behavior being a problem. I just know that they can be challenging sometimes (just acting their age).


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meganeilis* 
Babysitting isn't just "spending quality time with the grandkids", it's WORK. Meals, bedtimes, baths. That stuff isn't easy when you're out of the raising kids groove. Heck, taking care of my own kid is work, and I love him more than anyone else in the world does. I hate to see grandparents getting a bad rap because they'd prefer to spend time with the entire family instead of babysitting.

I know the OP talked about being burnt out and really wishing the grandparents would help her to give her a break.

In our case though, we're not asking for her to babysit. We're just asking her to spend time with the grandchildren. We'll stay right there and provide all the care and the visits can happen at our house, her house, a public place, we don't care. Yet, she still isn't interested. That is SAD!


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## meganeilis (Mar 12, 2006)

I read what the OP said. She needs a break, and it would be nice if her kids grandparents were willing to offer her more time to herself. But they don't, and it 's not really that out of line for them to say "sorry, I've got plans" and to enjoy their own child free homes now that their kids are grown. Babysitting just isn't their cup of tea, and that should be ok as long as everyone develops the relationships that they would like to.

We all project our own experiences onto our reaction to posts. You feel that your parents/ils aren't active enough in your kids lives, so you sympathize greatly with the OP. I don't expect my son's grandparents to babysit ever, and my parents didn't have any expectations of easily available child care, so I wonder why you wouldn't just accept the situation as it is and find another babysitter you trust, that your kids enjoy spending time with.


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

i had an experience w/ MIL today that made me think of this thread. i think that what helps is scheduling. we trade doing things for each other, as i mentioned, and i think i figured out why it works. nobody is guessing. nobody feels pressured. i am almost always turned down when i wait until i'm so stressed i can't stand it and ask. then she feels put on the spot and resents it.

i am sorry you can't get a break. i totally feel you on that. some days i snap at the kids because of sleep deprivation and it really sucks.


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## mataji4 (Sep 28, 2006)

Oh, MAN! Don't get me started...well, okay









I grew up really close to my grandparents- we stayed with them for a month each summer. I so treasure the memories I have of their home, their piano and billiards table, the old books on the shelves, what my grandmother cooked, their attic, playing tennis and swimming with them, learning to waterski with my grandpa...I could go on and on. My mother has a similiar relationship with my kids. She loves them and wants to spend time with them.

Like the OP, I am just continually BAFFLED at my MIL's lack of interest in her grandchildren. I go in cycles of taking it personally, bringing it up with her, ignoring it, trying to accept her for who she is...and then i get upset about it all over again! It's like torture. She had 5 kids and you'd think she'd never had one the way she acts around the grandchildren, like they were toxic or something- noisy, aggressive, dirty, demanding vagrants or something! ugh! It is sad. She hasn't once, in ten years, expressed ANY desire to spend time with my kids. My dh is so sorry, he doesn't know what to say. He was surprised but he has no relationship with his grandparents so doesn't know any different.

I really feel for you, OP, and others in a similiar boat. I am trying to figure out how to deal with this in communicating with my kids. They're old enough now to know something's not right, and they say things, "Why is grandma too busy to see us?" or "I wish grandma would give me piano lessons. Why can't she?" It breaks my heart. I am being honest with them. I say things like "Well, people make choices about how to spend their time and grandma is choosing to do other things." I don't reassure them that they love her as I'm not sure she does. SERIOUSLY. I've never heard her say that to them. And here I have this beautiful, sweet baby who everyone in the world wants to hold, and she has only held him once, the day he was born. She's a selfish psycho as far as I can tell. Yeah, I'm bitter. But I'm SO glad that I'm not alone. Thanks for letting me vent as it's constantly on my shoulders! (not like you had a choice!







)


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## mommy777 (Nov 12, 2007)

I am going through the same thing. My situation is probably worse because my parents spend a ton of time with their other grandkids, but not mine







It hurts horribly. Everytime I call my parents home, and one of my neices and nephews answers it just breaks my heart. They NEVER ask for my kids to visit. If my kids ask them they always try to get out of it (an always do get out of it) What is even worse is my mom seems to dislike my 5 year old son.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy777* 
I am going through the same thing. My situation is probably worse because my parents spend a ton of time with their other grandkids, but not mine







It hurts horribly. Everytime I call my parents home, and one of my neices and nephews answers it just breaks my heart. They NEVER ask for my kids to visit. If my kids ask them they always try to get out of it (an always do get out of it) What is even worse is my mom seems to dislike my 5 year old son.









THAT's so different. (in my opinion)

Grandparents should be fair, it's wrong to show favoritism. ALL of the grandparents are fair here, they dislike children all the same. (LOL)

No, seriously, even the stepgrandkids are treated exactly the same as the blood related grandkids. Not only that, my best friend's son who is NO relation to anybody other than my best friend, is a full honorary grandson. My mom spends the same on him at Christmas as she does on my kids. She always refers to him as her grandson.

But, that doesn't mean she wants little kid in her house. She loves them all, but in someone elses house. Not hers.


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

bhawkins,

I totally understand where you are coming from and feel your pain. We have the same issues with my parents and my in laws. These are ppl who wanted us to leave my son with them OVERNIGHT when he was less than a yr old. Now, they will not even watch them (4 and 2 yr old), for DH and I to go out for a quick date. My mom has even told me I should go back to work, and she will help watch my kids, which made me snort, b/c she is so unreliable, I cannot tell the kids she is going to visit ahead of time, b/c she cancels 2 hrs after she says she is supposed to be here! Basically, they only want to see the kids on their terms and what's worse is we get guilt tripped, b/c they don't want to drive 50 min to see us, they want us to drive to them, and if we don't drag the kids to see them, then we are the ones keeping them from their grandkids. Keep in mind, my mil has tons of free time, she spends most of her free time watching soaps on tv and whining that everyone has seems to have so much time for hobbies, excpet for herself and my parents will drive an hr to go golfing with friends, but won't drive 50 min to see us. My parents blew us off today to go golfing instead of spending mother's day together. It poured rain all day today, and my mom told me they decided not to go golfing (as predicted on the forecast for the past wk).









As for the other poster who decided to just move away, my DH and I have talked about this. We moved close to family right before we started a family (we were two states away and the parents constantly complained that we were too far away), b/c we wanted our kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents. Neither side seems all that interested, if we moved away, they would bitch and moan about it of course, but I feel like it would serve them right, b/c they didn't utilize the time with their grandkids when they had the chance to. I have also pointed out to my parents that I wish they would spend more time with my kids now, WHILE THEY ARE ABLE TO, and my mom basically told me they would take their chances (my dad has a lot of chronic health problems which leads me to believe that his quality of life will decrease as he ages and his issues worsen).







In the meantime, my mom and dad can't stop hounding my brothers to have babies, even though they already have two grandsons they could spend time with, while my brothers both live out of state.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SarahGuinn* 
I didn't read the responses but from the OP it sounds like you spent so much time at your grandmother's because your parents wanted grownup time a lot. Now it's all grown up time all the time. Think about it.









Sucks though, I know.

That's how it sounds to me, too. And if it's true -- would you really want to leave your children with people who aren't even asking to see them? But maybe that's not the whole picture.

OP, from reading your siggy, I gather that you have a 12yo, a 3yo, and a baby less than 1. I personally look forward to being a grandma (not that I'm in a hurry to leave this wonderful phase, though!) -- and I'm eager to bond with my grandchildren while they're tiny. I just love, love, love these early years -- as I'm sure I'll love the later years, too.

But whereas I love babies and love all the care that goes along with them, I've become aware that for every 1 person like me, there are at least 1 or 2, maybe more, who don't even love caring for their own children at this age. There are lots of people who aren't that interested in hanging out with kids until they reach a more self-sufficient (and somewhat less-active) stage.

I have a friend, who's one of the most nurturing mamas I know, who shocked me by telling me that she was so glad when her kids got older: She was a dedicated homeschooling mom who simply found her children more fun when she wasn't "just changing diapers" any more.

I was shocked because I'd spent a few days with her (like, 20 years ago) when her oldest was tiny, and saw how tenderly and compassionately she cared for this little one. The truth was, she loved her babies, she just liked them better when they weren't babies any more!

And, of course, depending on the age and health of your children's grandparents, they may simply not be able to handle toddlers any more. My own mom's in her 80's, and I wouldn't dream of leaving her in charge of my 3yo -- it takes a lot of energy to keep up with her.

Also, when you talk about wanting time to yourselves -- are you meaning even time away from your baby? Because maybe the grandparents do feel overwhelmed at the thought of caring for a baby who's strongly attached to Mama.

Only you know these people, so only you can figure out if they really don't want to spend time with their grandkids -- or if, as a pp suggested, they're just overwhelmed at the thought of taking all 3 at once.

If they're just overwhelmed about the numbers (and maybe the neediness of your baby), maybe you could leave your oldest with 1 set of grandparents, and your 3yo with the other, which would give you and dh some special one-on-one time with just your baby with you.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I am starting to get over the same feelings. I had the most wonderful relationship with my grandparents on both sides. They spend a lot of time babysitting me. They watched me all summer long so my parents didn't need daycare. Anytime my parents wanted alone time they were more than happy to babysit. Every night my maternal grandmother brought dinner and then cleaned my parents house. Then she watched my brother and me while my mom did the food shopping and took a shower. My grandmother then went home. My mom had it so easy with all that help.

My mom always told me how she couldn't wait for me to have children so she could be a grandmother. When I was pregnant with my first, she was happy for me, but said she was not ready to be a grandmother.








She took a second job because she wanted to, not because she needed the money. There goes all of her time. She now works 65 hours a week BY CHOICE.

We live about 1 hour and 15 minutes from my parents. My mom visits maybe once a month for 2 hours, but does not watch the kids while I shower or anything. She looks at them, watches the toddler play, and watches me parent. She does not hold the baby unless I ask her to while I use the bathroom if he is fussy and does not want to be put down. I open the bathroom door and she is shoving him back at me.

She will babysit my 2.5 year old if I am stuck, like if I am sick and need to see the doctor or something like that and dh is out of state on business. She will only watch her if I have an extreme emergency or schedule something far in advance, and only if she can get my dad to help her. She will not watch the baby. She wont watch him b/c he is breastfed. (He happily goes 2-3 hours between feedings.) He requires interaction, and she isn't willing to do that. She just wants to sit and rock him. Sorry, but a 5 month old requires more than that. She wouldn't watch dd when she was a baby, and I EP'd for her so getting her to take a bottle was not even an issue. I am surprised how she is around my kids. You would swear that she never changed a diaper, calmed a fussy baby, etc. I don't get it. Maybe its b/c I am AP and she was VERY far from AP other than bfing.

I was very hurt and abandoned when my mom wasn't the grandparent I expected. I did not expect much from MIL and I didn't get much. MIL is very nice, but she is the type that likes to see them, play with them 5 minutes, then hand them back. I expected that, so I wasn't hurt. My dad is very good with my kids, surprisingly. He is more willing than any others to babysit but he is a little icked out by changing diapers and taking the 2 year old to the bathroom so he doesn't want to babysit if my mom isn't available to do those things. And since my mom isn't really willing to babysit, it just doesn't happen.

I am also stressed. I get no breaks. My dh is good, but he doesn't take both kids off my hands ever. He only takes dd. I am still healing. I feel like everyone abandoned me who I thought would help. But I am getting over it and trying to be greatfull that my mom would take my dd in an emergency. I should be glad that she does visit some, and that my dd recognizes her. I am glad that my dh will at least take one kid off my hands for awhile and that I have a dh.

I am greatfull that all grandparents are alive and my kids will know them. I am just very let down about the relationship they won't have. I have the most wonderful memories in the world about my grandparents. I was wishing the same for my kids. I always assumed they would have that, since my mom lead me to believe she was going to be extremely involved, and now her second career is more important than her grandkids. Thats what hurts the most, knowing that my kids won't have that special relationship.


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## Luv_My_Babies (Apr 9, 2008)

Grandparents to not have an obligation to provide free daycare. If you want a night out, do like many other parents and hire a babysitter.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

My father also has very little interest in my kids. If my mother were still alive, it would be somewhat better. But after she died, he remarried a woman who had five kids. They do stuff with her kids and grandkids, but she won't babysit at all for her own grandkids, so it's hardly likely she'd want to do it for his.

It used to really hurt me a great deal. I've learned to just let it go. What strikes me funny is that he bitches that I don't call him enough. I used to call more and try to have them over for dinner and visit occasionally. He always had some last minute reason why they couldn't come. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he canceled out on dinner at the last minute because he was too busy playing golf. So, I pretty much just stopped trying, and we hardly ever see them or talk to them because calling on the phone is just too superficial and irritating to me.

My ILs love my kids, but they have never offered to do anything helpful in the least. We do visit them a lot, and my kids have some relationship with them, which is nice.

I had an absolutely wonderful relationship with my maternal grandma, who used to babysit us and loved to have us in her life. It saddens me that my kids will never have closeness.

But I have to admit, ironically I don't see myself as doing much babysitting for my grandchildren, should I have them, as I'm not really a kid person either.


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## LotusBirthMama (Jun 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Not when they are babies or small, no. I could hardly stand my own at that age, I doubt I will like that stage any better in grandchildren.

I feel exactly the same way. I don't plan to be cold or mean about it...I am just not too keen on babies.


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## Jillie (May 24, 2005)

This thread has made me feel better about my dc's gp and lack of any real help from either set. Dh's parents are closer but more unpleasant, mine are 1 hour away but it might as well be 1o hours. glad to know its not just us.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My mother is a wonderful, lovng granmother. But she does not babysit my kds. She comes over, reads to them, plays Scrabble with them. but she doesn't babysit. I don't think babysitting is prequisite for good grandparenting.


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Mama Poot wrote:Um, because your grandmother aided and abetted your mother's selfishness and disengagement when you were little (and probably before) by practically raising you, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and generally taking care of things. Your mother probably takes it for granted that your grandmother does this and feels entitled to it. When your grandmother dies, your mother will expect this help from someone else.

From what I've seen and read, it was very common for mothers during the Baby Boom (approximately) to do a lot for their children and expect very little work or responsibility from them. Baby Boomers were the first generation to be more peer-oriented than adult-oriented, so instead of modeling their adult lives after their parents, many of them expect to behave like pampered teenagers all their lives. This may be what's going on with some of the grandparents in this thread.








BHawkins, I'm sorry your kids don't have the kind of grandparents you hoped they would. I hope you can find somebody else to babysit so you can have some time off!

My son's grandparents live far away, so our assumptions about free childcare were minimal. He's stayed with MOL once and with my parents once while EnviroDaddy and I went to a movie. Both times, the grandparents were very burned-out when we got home!







But our parents are oldish (mid-60s) and they do love their grandson very much and show lots of interest in him...they're just not up to caring for him on their own very much until he's older!


Uh, I wouldn't blame this on the baby boom generation. I am at the tail end of this and my parents--who missed it altogether--are as selfish and self-centered as it gets.
AND I have asked my parents to look after my children once a YEAR not once a month as the OP originally stated. You think you are burned out?
My mother would rather drop dead then spend two minutes with my kids. My kids are 4 and 6.
BUT we moved to this area just to be near them, my dh RUNS not walks to their house whenever they need their computer fixed or anything else--my DH helped my dad build a shed in their backyard that is literally half the size of our HOUSE!
And to top it off--my grandmother who usually gives my dd money for college savings now gives her NOTHING (she was giving money for birthdays and we put it in her 529 plan) and my mom, who now handles my granny's checkbook just put in a $60,000 (yes THOUSAND dollar) kitchen-state of the art--and guess what? My mother has NEVER EVER worked a DAY in her entire life! She got ALL the money from my granny--her mother. And she says she is entitled to it...but when I say that if that's the case-- then logicically it should be that MY mother, my dd's grandmother, should give her (dd) at least something for birthdays and Christmas, she acts like she is insulted and how dare anyone ask for HER money. Uh, it's NOT your money, it's your mothers!!!
I expect nothing from my mother--but if she isn't going to show any love whatsoever--that's fine, the least she could do is help. MY mother never paid a single dime towards MY education--so not only was I expected to pay for my degree on my own, but my childrens' degrees as well--and my dh wants to go back and get his MBA but we can't afford. Heck, when I was 18--I went off to college and my mother threw all my stuff away in my bedroom and changed it into a guest room. Do not come back, she said. Fine.
But when it comes time for a nursing home, she will be paying for it when we sell that state-of-the-art house that's worth over a million bucks. Because I'll be darned if I'm going to spend ONE cent on my mother's care as she ages. No way.
And I may be bitter--but I am also being practical--I have college tuitions to pay for up the wahzoo--my mom has no clue what that means because she kicked both of her kids out of the house at 18 and said: you are on your own. Good bye. No car, no cash, not her problem. But when she has a problem--she is on us like white on rice. Yeah.
So, OP, I feel your pain--but seriously, I am willing to be Texas that my mom is the most evil self-centered NPD woman out there. No doubt.
Ugh. It just makes me nuts. You won't see that as far as I am concerned when it comes to my kids or their kids--forget it. I know how much intolerable pain it can cause.


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## mataji4 (Sep 28, 2006)

I don't expect "babysitting", but I do wish that the woman seemed to CARE for us all. Some CARE, like spending time getting to know them and caring about their well being, like bringing us dinner or helping out in ANY way when we have a newborn (never, nothing)...I just never knew that a grandmother wouldn't want to hold/talk to/spend time with her grandchildren. So it's like culture shock and I'm not over it yet!

I am not from the new thinking that we are all individuals and we all need our space and all that. I believe that it DOES take a village to raise children well and to also make good parents (mentorship, sharing experiences). A grandmother is such an invaluable part of that! or so I thought.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I'm so happy to see this thread. I thought my MIL was the only one. She started telling me the first time that she saw me that she "doesn't babysit her grandchildren." Well, by that, she means that she doesn't want to be in the same room with them alone. Ever.

The oldest granddaughter is the only one that has ever spent time with them without her parents. She was 24 before this happened. It's not really a matter of babies/small children.







She's just not interested.

I came from a family where we spent a week with each set of grandparents in the summer, without our parents, where our grandparents obviously adored and cherished time with us, and my parents are shaping up to be similar. It's hard when the "other side" isn't the same, at all.


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

there is a trade off here. less involvement means less undermining of parental authority.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebarkingbird* 
there is a trade off here. less involvement means less undermining of parental authority.

Uh, yeah that!


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
My mother is a wonderful, lovng granmother. But she does not babysit my kds. She comes over, reads to them, plays Scrabble with them. but she doesn't babysit. I don't think babysitting is prequisite for good grandparenting.

I agree!


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mataji4* 
I am not from the new thinking that we are all individuals and we all need our space and all that.

But isn't it this "new thinking" that gets mothers all distressed about not getting a "break" from their babies?

From my understanding, in traditional (primitive) societies, mothers and babies are pretty much inseparable. Mothers carry their babies/toddlers on them while they go off to gather food.

Older children may stay behind at the camp in the care of other adults -- but this doesn't seem to be a matter of "giving Mama a break" (as Mama may very well have a young toddler on her back as she takes off on a 5-mile walk), but rather a matter of community members giving and taking in order to help the community thrive -- and it's probably also based in compassion for the needs of children who are too big to be carried, but too small to make the 5-mile walk on their own.

Quote:

I believe that it DOES take a village to raise children well and to also make good parents (mentorship, sharing experiences). A grandmother is such an invaluable part of that! or so I thought.
I believe in the importance of community, and of elders who pass on their stories and experiences -- but I don't believe in letting "the village" raise my children. I think a good village is one that supports the parents so they can do a better job of being there for their kids.

I agree that there are many positives about the primitive, more communal, way of life. But I haven't yet discovered a way to re-create that in my own life.


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## MiaMama (Jul 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Luv_My_Babies* 
Grandparents to not have an obligation to provide free daycare. If you want a night out, do like many other parents and hire a babysitter.

This is an interesting perspective. It is really outside my realm of experience. I am a first-marriage child and both my parents also have young sons with their new spouses. I moved closer to my parents when my Husband deployed. And when my parents ask me to watch my half-brothers to help them out, I always bring my toddler along and do it (barring some important schedule conflict). My parents didn't have me just so they would have free childcare, but we are family, and family is supposed to help out. Not because of obligation, but because of love.


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## LotusBirthMama (Jun 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MiaMama* 
This is an interesting perspective. It is really outside my realm of experience. I am a first-marriage child and both my parents also have young sons with their new spouses. I moved closer to my parents when my Husband deployed. And when my parents ask me to watch my half-brothers to help them out, I always bring my toddler along and do it (barring some important schedule conflict). My parents didn't have me just so they would have free childcare, but we are family, and family is supposed to help out. *Not because of obligation, but because of love.*

But you can be a totally loving family and still not be free kid care.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

I think that this thread really demonstrates what a "Me" culture we have here in the States.

I am so glad that my kids have good Grandparents who want to be part of their lives.

.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
I think that this thread really demonstrates what a "Me" culture we have here in the States.

I am so glad that my kids have good Grandparents who want to be part of their lives.

.

Sadly, you are right. In the US, it is very me, me, me. I am jealous that your kids have grandparents who want to help out.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
I think that this thread really demonstrates what a "Me" culture we have here in the States.

I don't think so. If someone never helps with anything, then that person is self-centered. Just because someone doesn't want to help with one task we want them to help with doesn't make them self-centered. My mom, for example, really doesn't care much for small children, but she would (and has) happily come over and do my laundry for me when I was overwhelmed. It's a matter of meeting both people's needs.

For the OP, have you told them you are losing it and need a break? I think that's important. If my neighbor asked me to keep her kids, I may say no (because I don't like to keep other people's children much), but if she said that for her mental health, she needed a break, of course I'd do it. Be as upfront as you can about your situation.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Just because someone doesn't want to help with one task we want them to help with doesn't make them self-centered.

Yeah, that!

Also, I'd like to gently point out that it seems awfully "me-centered" to be so focused on what we feel our parents owe us, and what we feel our parents should be wanting to do for us.

Again, I'm the momma who looks forward to someday nurturing her grandbabies. I love babies! I want to do it because I want to do it -- not because I see it as a debt I have to pay to my kids.

And for people who disdain this "modern" me-culture -- I thought I'd give a reminder that up 'til fairly recently in American history, there was much more of a focus on what children owed their parents ... some 18th century parents may have had large families because they adored children, but they were also doing it so they could have more help on the farm.

This is not to say that parents didn't love their kids, or try to give them a good start in life -- but there was a definite view that children were valued in terms of how much of an asset they were to the parents.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Yeah, that!

Also, I'd like to gently point out that it seems awfully "me-centered" to be so focused on what we feel our parents owe us, and what we feel our parents should be wanting to do for us.

Again, I'm the momma who looks forward to someday nurturing her grandbabies. I love babies! I want to do it because I want to do it -- not because I see it as a debt I have to pay to my kids.

And for people who disdain this "modern" me-culture -- I thought I'd give a reminder that up 'til fairly recently in American history, there was much more of a focus on what children owed their parents ... some 18th century parents may have had large families because they adored children, but they were also doing it so they could have more help on the farm.

This is not to say that parents didn't love their kids, or try to give them a good start in life -- but there was a definite view that children were valued in terms of how much of an asset they were to the parents.

--------------------------------------


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I guess I don't feel that my childrens' grandparents owe me babysitting. That's not it at all.

I just wish they desired a relationship with their grandchildren that, yes, included some one on one time. Even if that was when mama went to the backyard or into another room. Because I'm serious when I say my MIL can.not.stand to be in the same room alone with her grandchildren. I see that as her (and her grandchildren) totally missing out on an important relationship.

I very much enjoyed the relationships with my grandparents. Very much. On both sides (and I was lucky, because I had a youngish set of great-grandparents, too, so three sets total) And, I just wish that my children were going to have the same experiences I had.


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## ewagaman (Apr 16, 2008)

I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I have a recommendation.

Ask well in advance. Call and ask if they can watch them on the third Saturday of June or July. Keep pushing the date out until they say yes.

And, then, make it as easy for them as possible. Have them ready for bed when they get there. Or, if they want to sit at their own home, bring the kids to them with everything they need. Fed and watered, ya know?

Also, let them know how much the kids enjoyed their time with them. How much you appreciated it. Kill them with kindness.

I have two sisters with children - one has experienced success getting my mom (who is not a kid person) to help out and the other has failed miserably. And, its all b/c the one sister asks in advance and let's my mom know what a difference it made to her!

Try it. It works!


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewagaman* 
I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I have a recommendation.

Ask well in advance. Call and ask if they can watch them on the third Saturday of June or July. Keep pushing the date out until they say yes.

And, then, make it as easy for them as possible. Have them ready for bed when they get there. Or, if they want to sit at their own home, bring the kids to them with everything they need. Fed and watered, ya know?

Also, let them know how much the kids enjoyed their time with them. How much you appreciated it. Kill them with kindness.

I have two sisters with children - one has experienced success getting my mom (who is not a kid person) to help out and the other has failed miserably. And, its all b/c the one sister asks in advance and let's my mom know what a difference it made to her!

Try it. It works!

That usually does work with my mom. If I have a dr's appt or whatever I ask her AT LEAST a month (usually 2) in advance so she doesn't yet have an excuse to say no. (she always says she WANTS to babysit, she just never does get around to it.) I keep remind her weekly so she doesn't volunteer for anything else on that day. Sometimes she still bails out tough. B/C it MAY rain or snow or the sky MAY fall that day. Then again, I know I can't count on her so I prepare dh in advance so he works extra during that week for when mom does bail on me he can still get his hours in. If she doesn't bail, dh gets some OT that week which is nice come payday. My mom will not babysit just for the sake of me getting a break or taking a shower or anything like that, though. And she will only take the toddler, she won't hold the baby for longer than me to pee.


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## MountainLaurel (Dec 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BetsyS* 
I guess I don't feel that my childrens' grandparents owe me babysitting. That's not it at all.

I just wish they desired a relationship with their grandchildren that, yes, included some one on one time. Even if that was when mama went to the backyard or into another room. Because I'm serious when I say my MIL can.not.stand to be in the same room alone with her grandchildren. I see that as her (and her grandchildren) totally missing out on an important relationship.

I very much enjoyed the relationships with my grandparents. Very much. On both sides (and I was lucky, because I had a youngish set of great-grandparents, too, so three sets total) And, I just wish that my children were going to have the same experiences I had.

If she just doesn't like kids (I know it's hard for some here to imagine, but . . .), there's not much you can do about that, nor should you. Everyone will end up miserable.

Neither of Mr. Laurel's paternal grandparents were kid people; they weren't when they had kids and they weren't with him (it's pretty telling that all of their offspring ended up childfree, and Mr. L's dad got him through marriage, so none of them made a conscious decision to parent). So, whenever Mr. L was over, his grandfather generally hung out in his study, working on his book research, and his grandmother did her own things. As an adult, though, Mr. L has a good relationship with his grandmother. They e-mail one another (she's 90) fairly often. If his parents had tried to force a relationship, I cannot imagine a positive result.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I think it's impossible to ensure that our kids get all the exact same things we got growing up. Plus, I know for a fact that I had many experiences I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, let alone my precious children.

Of course, it's nice if our children have wonderful grandparents who adore them and love spending time with them, and I can understand the periodic twinge of sadness felt by those of us who have, in the words of the maid in _Summer of my German Soldier_, "Irregular parents" -- but we need to realize that no one -- not us and not our children -- needs to be the victim in this situation. There are ways to create the community we want, even if our first choice would have been for the community to be blood-related.

Some of my attitude is certainly colored by the fact that I had a very close relationship with my paternal grandmother, who had me over a lot and gave me heaps of attention -- but she hated my mom and worked to undermine her practically every chance she got. Sure, my parents got lots of free babysitting, not that they felt a need for a babysitter, Grandmother just insisted on taking me -- and think of the cost that they/I paid for it!

Mine is a unique situation, in that my own mom (who was born back in 1925) tolerated a lot of disrespect from both her own mom as well as my dad's mom, because in her generation you took whatever your elders dished out and still treated them with respect. Mad as she sometimes was, she'd never dream of denying them one-on-one time with her grandkids ... I guess because they were old and had "earned" the right to mess up the next generation.









So, just as some parents expect their own parents to help out, and to want a relationship with their grandkids, because they think that's what grandparents are "supposed" to want to do (based on their relationships with their own grandparents, who were always available when their parents wanted a sitter) -- my mom expected to be able to critique, meddle, and attempt to manipulate her grandkids, having "earned" that right through her years of taking all kinds of [email protected] from her elders.

Her expectations have been met, to some extent, by my older brother and sister, who'd get mad at her sometimes, but still let her watch their kids (their kids are all teens and adults now).

But I think I've been giving her a bit of a culture shock, as well as some very hurt feelings, by deciding that we'll visit her once or twice a month as a family, but won't give her one-on-one access to either of our children (this after she'd started getting some one-on-one time with my oldest, but kept using the time to attempt to undermine our plans to homeschool, even after being told to stop).

While I do aspire to build a supportive community for my family to be a part of -- I find it's best to give to others in ways that it's a joy for me to give: Then if they give something back, it's the icing on the cake -- but if they don't, I'm not stressed because I was enjoying myself anyway.

So, if you're always available to help your parents with home/computer repairs, but you're feeling anger because they never babysit or offer to help you in any other way, maybe you need to limit the help to a level where it's still enjoyable and not a burden to you. And look for someone who loves kids and pay this person to babysit.

If money's a problem, look for someone who loves kids and would also be interested in a barter-arrangement, where you provide some service this person needs. Maybe you could even hook up with another family, who you all like and whose kids are compatible with your kids, and you guys could trade off babysitting on alternate months or weekends.

I don't think there's anything wrong with couples wanting to get out for an occasional date, just the two of them. It's just not something dh and I feel a need for -- but if another couple feels a need for it, then by all means pursue ways to make it happen, without trying to leave your kids with someone who doesn't even enjoy kids.

And, I repeat, when people on this thread talk about the "me-generation," and how awful it is when grandparents feel entitled to just think about themselves and do whatever they want -- it seems just as "entitled," to me, to have kids and then be bitter if no one's clamoring to give me a break from them.

Again, I'm not saying it's evil to go about getting a break if you want one. I enjoy lots of things that I know I'm not "entitled" to -- such as splurging on avocados sometimes, when they're not even marked down.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Wow Mammal Mama -- so well put


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Did any of your folks have 3 children?

I found that for everyone in our family and friends circles (except for a couple of co-workers at the daycare I worked at while I was pregnant with my DD, who became friends) people were a lot more reluctant to offer babysitting once the boys were born. For a lot of people there's something about the number 3 that can be intimidating.

Either because they never experienced it...or, frankly, because they DID and were overwhelmed with 5 kids or whatever. So to be honest, someone wanting to take ONE child overnight but then not wanting to take 3 makes a lot of sense to me.

As other people have said, your folks are who they are. Many people can't rely on relatives for babysitting. Since you know this, you'll need to start networking to find other people who can. Or you can sit around and complain that it should fall into your lap, but it's not going to and you know that, so if you really do want some time out then you need to start farming for alternative arrangments. It won't be any harder than begging your folks and getting repeatedly turned down and then feeling anger and stress and resentment.

So really, I wouldn't waste any more time or energy being mad. There is absolutely positively nothing you can do to change who these people are. You could decide to "get back" at them, but I bet you wouldn't feel good about doing it. So let them have the relationship with your kids that they have, and cultivate other caregivers.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebarkingbird* 
there is a trade off here. less involvement means less undermining of parental authority.


Thank you for saying that. It really puts things in perspective for me. I have been bitter about my moms lack of involvement in her grandchildrens lives. (as you can read in my prior posts) I never really though of how lucky I am, that *I* get to make all the rules. I don't have anyone trying to undermine my parental authority. My mom is sure to throw in her $0.02, but I just let it roll off of me. She isn't here to help, so she gets no say. Now, if she did babysit for me while I worked 40 hours a week, or went to class, or went out with the girls on a weekly basis overnight, then she would have parenting say since she would be helping to parent my kids. I was really having a difficult time seeing the good in things. But there is a lot of crap that I don't have to put up with.

I get to make all of the decisions, and don't have to fight about the food choices, punishments/consequences/dicipline issues, bedtime rules, house rules, etc. I don't have to listen to "but grammy lets have chocolate cupcakes for breakfast and lets me eat cake icing before lunch and takes me to Mc'D's everyday and she says that you should let me eat that stuff, too" Thank you for helping me to see some positive things in my children not having active grandparents.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 
Wow Mammal Mama -- so well put









Thanks! I've had so many extended-family issues myself, I just seem to be drawn to these kinds of threads. We live in such quickly changing times, it makes it hard if we're pressuring ourselves to give our kids the same childhood we got. Since my own childhood wasn't all that terrific, I feel pretty free from all that pressure.

I want my kids to have *their own* childhoods, certainly not a replica of mine.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

I am so burned out right not. I would be happy with a one hour reprieve here and there.
I hear ya. Sounds like you need a mother's helper or babysitter. I have a great 15 year old who I pay $6.25 an hour to play with my kids (with me here) and give me a break. She's awesome.


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

oh yes. i was JUST feeling







at my mother (and at myself for wanting ANYTHING from her). MDC is always here for me when I need it!







DD has 3 living grandparents, only one of whom (my dad) is interested in her. fortunately he adores her.


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## Woodland (Mar 6, 2006)

Ahh, reading this thread is very comforting. I am not the only mama dealing with un-involved gparents. For me, what makes it hard is that its not my parents its dh parents. So, I dont want to offend him by talking about them too much, but I keep getting surprised at how unconnected they are to our lo. I think they like older kids more and ds is the 6th grandchild, so this has been done before. They dont ask about him when my dh calls them, they got him a total of 2 outfits from walmart







: when he was born and nothing since, i am dubious as to whether they are coming to his 1st bday next month. It feels so good to rant thankyou! A big issue lately is that they are always pestering dh to come up to visit, (we just visited 3 weekends ago and they really wanted us to come up this weekend!) they live 4 hours away, and ds hate hates hates the car so it makes it really hard and when we are there they mostly ignore me and the babe, so lately I have really resisted going, which makes dh very torn.







Its so weird, I think they just want to see dh not me and the babe, although when i stayed at my parents dh reported that they were sad to not see ds, although when we go they dont play with him or ask questions about him, he mostly gets into their stuff and they dont really like it. I get so sad about it when I hear other mamas I know whos grandparents come to visit them and want to spend quality time with the babe.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Woodland* 
they got him a total of 2 outfits from walmart







: when he was born and nothing since

Is the irked expression because you have a moral problem with Walmart (I understand if you do, though I also realize that many older people have a hard time keeping up with all the information we now have access to) -- or because you feel they didn't/don't spend enough money?

I realize you probably didn't say anything to make them feel bad about their purchasing choice -- but if they've ever sensed that the efforts they *do* make just aren't enough in your book, that could make them feel less motivated to do anything, especially since they have other grandchildren whose parents might show more pleasure in the ways they're involved.

Anyhow, if they prefer older kids -- your son will someday be older than he is now, and if the connection is very important to you to foster, it'll probably happen. In my experience, most very small children are quite happy within a small circle of intimate relationships. By the time your son starts wanting to branch out, he'll likely be at the more self-sufficient age that your in-laws seem to find more enjoyable.


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## Woodland (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Is the irked expression because you have a moral problem with Walmart (I understand if you do, though I also realize that many older people have a hard time keeping up with all the information we now have access to) -- or because you feel they didn't/don't spend enough money?

Yes to both, I do not like walmart, I dont shop there and I do not support the way they do business. I understand that they do not have a probelm with Wmart and that is fine. I guess I would have liked them to get him a more meaningful gift, not like toys but maybe one thoughtful present. Or it would have been nice to ask us what we would like and get us one nice present, funds are not a problem for these people. oh well. i am over all that. But mostly I am disappointed in the way they have interacted with him. For example, he makes baby sounds so they make them back to him but in a tone that, to me, is not loving. Things like this that make me cringe.


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## redebeth (Apr 23, 2006)

My mom died when I was 5 and my dad remarried 3 months later. Stepmom is still married to him 25 years later and they have almost nothing to do with my kids. They didn't even meet my oldest until he was 3.5 and they live 30 min. away. I've heard about the "fun' in dysfunction, but there is none here. We see them on holidays, that's it. I can count on one hand how many times they have held my children in their arms.

My MIL is the opposite. She has had (between her own 3 children) 7 , yes 7 grandchildren in under 3 years. When our next is born it will be 8 under 3. And you know what? She has them all over at once and tells us mama's to go out and have fun. What a saint. I am so grateful because her exhusband is about as involved as my parents, So they have one awesome grandparent out of 4.

As for all the posts defending the grandparents of the OP's children, that's fine. We are all humans, all capable of different things. However, when I die, I hope my grandchildren are a little bit sad, because they loved me. When my parents die, my kids aren't going to give a sh*t and I won't blame them.

What to do? I don't know. A leopard can't change their spots. When I see my parents interact with my kids IT HURTS SO MUCH because I see myself as a child being raised by these selfish unloving, unworthy people who almost ruined me as a child.

Therapy? I've done it. This IS better. haha! Sorry for hijacking! I just want to say 'me too'.


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## caitryn (Aug 18, 2005)

I can say from personal experience that it does create some issues for the grandchildren when the grandparents don't want to be involved, at least in a meaningful way.

All of my biological grandparents have passed on, and that may actually be a blessing with some of them. My mom's mom died when she was 16 (I'm her first from when she turned 24), so there was no chance there. Her dad died just after I was born, but considering he had left her and her mom when Mom was only a few months old, I probably would have never had a relationship with him anyway. My mom's grandmother, a widow, loved me to pieces, but she died when I was four. Not much bonding time there, but at least I know for a fact that one grandparent loved me.

For my dad's side of the family, his dad died when he was 8, but he wasn't a very nice man anyway from what I'm told, so there's no real loss there according to my dad. None of my grandmother's other husbands (there were like three or four others) ever gave a darn about me. In fact, my grandmother tried to pretend she cared for a little while, but since we lived several states away until I was four, she gave up on me. I.e., I was past the point where she could have the greatest influence (in her opinion) on my raising. My little sister was born after we lived close to her and her, then, husband, so she did her best to undermine everything my parents tried and doted on my little sister.

To give an example, my parents managed to buy us one of those cheap swing sets with the see-saw type swing. Little Sis got mad and hit me in the mouth with it. My grandmother got bent out of shape for them disciplining my sister. Why? Because they should have been disciplining me for having made the little one mad in the first place...

My grandmother only wanted to babysit us if she thought she could either get something out of it or do/say something to disturb us. (My grandmother was an evil woman.) Another example of that would be that my mom had severe sciatica and was bed-ridden for a year while we were living with them. (Yes, financial situations can get that horrible, unfortunately.) My dad walked into the dining room to find my grandmother sitting at the head of the table like she always did with us two girls crying our hearts out. She had been telling us that Mom was dying of AIDS and after she was gone that the grandmother would have us and be able to do whatever she wanted with us. Dad let her know his opinion in a very nasty way verbally, I'm told.

It still sits heavily with me to this day that I couldn't have been blessed with knowing loving and caring grandparents. Now that I am married, I have my husband's grandparents who welcomed me with open arms. For the first time in my life I can feel like I have a part of that family relationship too.

My baby, when he arrives, will be extremely blessed. My parents and sisters are thrilled to death. If we lived closer, my mom would be wanting to have him over every day. (Just talked to her about that today, actually.) My husband's mom has already told me I need to get some kind of portable playpen or whatever to keep at her house for when he stays with her. His great-grandparents are thrilled that he'll be living so close to them since the rest of their great-grandchildren are too far away to visit all the time. My father-in-law, his wife, and all of his family are also all equally thrilled and chompin' at the bit for their chances to see him and help take care of him. (This is the boy that will continue the family name, after all.) Even if only one of the relatives were to keep with these ideas after he actually arrives, that will still be far more than what I had growing up.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Woodland* 
But mostly I am disappointed in the way they have interacted with him. For example, he makes baby sounds so they make them back to him but in a tone that, to me, is not loving. Things like this that make me cringe.

Now *that* would bug me! I'm sorry they're like that -- and seriously, I'd just be glad that they're not really wanting to interact with your child, 'cause I wouldn't want someone like that having any kind of influence on my children.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caitryn* 
My baby, when he arrives, will be extremely blessed. My parents and sisters are thrilled to death. If we lived closer, my mom would be wanting to have him over every day. (Just talked to her about that today, actually.) My husband's mom has already told me I need to get some kind of portable playpen or whatever to keep at her house for when he stays with her. His great-grandparents are thrilled that he'll be living so close to them since the rest of their great-grandchildren are too far away to visit all the time. My father-in-law, his wife, and all of his family are also all equally thrilled and chompin' at the bit for their chances to see him and help take care of him. (This is the boy that will continue the family name, after all.) Even if only one of the relatives were to keep with these ideas after he actually arrives, that will still be far more than what I had growing up.

I'm very happy for you, that you're now getting the extended-family closeness you missed out on for so long!

But what you're sharing (the quoted part) just highlights to me how different we all are. If I had tons of family around me, all "chompin' at the bit for their chances to see (my baby) and help take care of (my baby)" -- well, I'd be highly stressed at figuring out how to keep my baby with me, and nurse totally on-cue (all nursings coming from my breast, no bottles, which was/is important to me), without hurting all these other people who are just clamoring to start bonding with my baby.

(Of course, most of my experience has been with relatives who aren't exactly supportive of exclusive breastfeeding -- so maybe I'd feel differently if all the people wanting to bond with my baby, were just as interested in supporting the mother-baby bond and the breastfeeding relationship.)

I mean, maybe they're just talking about spending time with you and your little one *together* -- but I dunno, with your MIL talking about leaving a playpen at her house for when your child "stays with her" -- it kinda sounds to me like at least some of your relatives are counting on you *leaving* your baby with them while *he's still a baby*.

I think this is fine because it's obviously what you want, and it makes you very happy. It's funny how a situation that could make one person so happy, would make another person (like me) feel very possessive of my unborn baby, and very anxious about how to communicate my need to keep my baby with me, without causing a ton of hurt feelings in the process.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caitryn* 
I can say from personal experience that it does create some issues for the grandchildren when the grandparents don't want to be involved, at least in a meaningful way.

All of my biological grandparents have passed on, and that may actually be a blessing with some of them. My mom's mom died when she was 16 (I'm her first from when she turned 24), so there was no chance there. Her dad died just after I was born, but considering he had left her and her mom when Mom was only a few months old, I probably would have never had a relationship with him anyway. My mom's grandmother, a widow, loved me to pieces, but she died when I was four. Not much bonding time there, but at least I know for a fact that one grandparent loved me.

For my dad's side of the family, his dad died when he was 8, but he wasn't a very nice man anyway from what I'm told, so there's no real loss there according to my dad. None of my grandmother's other husbands (there were like three or four others) ever gave a darn about me. In fact, my grandmother tried to pretend she cared for a little while, but since we lived several states away until I was four, she gave up on me. I.e., I was past the point where she could have the greatest influence (in her opinion) on my raising. My little sister was born after we lived close to her and her, then, husband, so she did her best to undermine everything my parents tried and doted on my little sister.

To give an example, my parents managed to buy us one of those cheap swing sets with the see-saw type swing. Little Sis got mad and hit me in the mouth with it. My grandmother got bent out of shape for them disciplining my sister. Why? Because they should have been disciplining me for having made the little one mad in the first place...

My grandmother only wanted to babysit us if she thought she could either get something out of it or do/say something to disturb us. (My grandmother was an evil woman.) Another example of that would be that my mom had severe sciatica and was bed-ridden for a year while we were living with them. (Yes, financial situations can get that horrible, unfortunately.) My dad walked into the dining room to find my grandmother sitting at the head of the table like she always did with us two girls crying our hearts out. She had been telling us that Mom was dying of AIDS and after she was gone that the grandmother would have us and be able to do whatever she wanted with us. Dad let her know his opinion in a very nasty way verbally, I'm told.

It still sits heavily with me to this day that I couldn't have been blessed with knowing loving and caring grandparents. Now that I am married, I have my husband's grandparents who welcomed me with open arms. For the first time in my life I can feel like I have a part of that family relationship too.

My baby, when he arrives, will be extremely blessed. My parents and sisters are thrilled to death. If we lived closer, my mom would be wanting to have him over every day. (Just talked to her about that today, actually.) My husband's mom has already told me I need to get some kind of portable playpen or whatever to keep at her house for when he stays with her. His great-grandparents are thrilled that he'll be living so close to them since the rest of their great-grandchildren are too far away to visit all the time. My father-in-law, his wife, and all of his family are also all equally thrilled and chompin' at the bit for their chances to see him and help take care of him. (This is the boy that will continue the family name, after all.) Even if only one of the relatives were to keep with these ideas after he actually arrives, that will still be far more than what I had growing up.

I hope they are as loving as they say they will be. Like I said, my family promised the world once I delivered, but once the little one was home, that was it. It was difficult to get them to even visit. I hope your family doesn't do that to you.


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## go0ber (May 26, 2008)

i have not read the whole thread so forgive me if this was already mentioned but i read an article like the original post in one of those mainstream parenting magazines when i was in a doctor waiting room. i think it said something about how grandparents these days are more active and into classes & activities. something like that... i know that's not much help but in the article were a few families who felt like you, op.


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