# Why do I feel anger toward my nursing toddler?



## bellee (Feb 26, 2003)

HI ladies. I'm currently tandum nursing my 3 month old and my 2 year old daughters. I came here about three months ago in need of support from you guys and by golly, you delivered. Well, I'm back. After riding the tandum rollercoster for three months (and pretty much hating every minute of it) I feel like it's time to stop. Everytime I nurse my toddler I get angry. Angry at HER. Why do I feel this way? I hate that our special relationship has gotten to this point. Over the last couple days I've strickly limited her nursing to naptime and bedtime. Of course when she wakes at night too. That is when I get most angry. I could blame it on the fact that I don't want to be woken up but that seems to easy. I think it's a deeper issue.

I guess what I'm wondering is; has anybody ever felt this way? Did you then wean? Should I wean now? Can I wean now...I mean, with the baby around and all?

I'm just feeling bad about myself for letting it get bad ya know?

Anyway, any support/stories you wonderful ladies could throw my way would be great.

Signed,
Angry to nurse


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Yes, there were definitely times when I felt angry. Or something, I'm not sure if angry is the right word, but I had this feeling of "get off of me, get away from me." Maybe that is the touched out feeling. In any event, there were times when she was nursing while she was 3 where I just said, "I can't do this right now, I'm sorry" and I'd unlatch her after a little while. I just totally hated the sensations in my nipple. At night, I used to curl my foot to induce a cramp, and concentrate on that sensation. It didn't happen all the time, but it happened enough. Even now there are times when she will lightly rub my knee and I almost shoot up out of the chair--I hate it! I tell her if she is going to touch me, make it a much stronger touch. She used to lick my nipple and kind of play around instead of actually sucking, and she would laugh. I didn't care for that either.









When my daughter was in the 18 month to 2 age range and waking to nurse everytime I rolled or moved in the bed, I'd get so angry. I was finally going to get off my side and get some sensation back into my arm and hand, and then she'd want to nurse AGAIN! AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!! Twice I actually just turned over anyway and refused. It didn't work. She just fussed herself completely awake, and then wanted to go downstairs and play. I finally just got used to it, and we got to the point where I could say, "OK, can you roll over now" and she'd detach and roll over, which was nice.

Anyway, hang in there!


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## mumziemoo (May 4, 2004)

I've never tandem fed but I did feed my first child until she was 2 1/2 & I had to wean her because I was pregnant again & it was just too painful for me every time she latched on to feed!! I did get angry with her & all the others - my fifth is just 18 months - at times, I was tired, run down, frustrated, run off my feet, but not all of the time lol!! Don't ever feel bad about feeling angry with them - we all get tired at times & need some time to ourselves - it doesn't mean that we don't love them & love being mothers - we're just human after all.

As for weaning, it's up to you. After my experience with my oldest child, I weaned my 2 boys at 20 months because I'd had enough & they are gorgeous 14 & 10 year olds now. I'm still breastfeeding my 18 month old & haven't made a decision about weaning her yet - maybe I won't - it's a different thing parenting when she's the youngest of kids who are so much older, unlike my previous experience of constant pregnancy & breastfeeding & just wanting to have my body back









Hope this is of help

Om shanti
Alison


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## mom2threenurslings (Jul 16, 2002)

It is not uncommon to have negative feelings toward your older nursling when tandem nursing. It is hypothesized that it's a natural mothering instinct to protect the baby and that, because the older nursling is encroaching on the baby's only source of nutrition, negative feelings toward the older nursling result.

Some moms who want to continue tandem nursing and find a resolution to their negative feelings find that verbally affirming that this is a normal human reaction, that both the baby and the older nursling are getting plenty of mamamilk, and that nursing the older child is not only ok, but has many benefits helps. Changing your mindset can be a tremendous help.

Other moms find that taking their mind off of nursing by reading, watching tv, etc. while the older nursilng nurses is the way to go. Others find that concentrating on relaxing their body and releasing the negative feelings ... and having more contact with the older nursling (playing with their hair, studying their face, rubbing their back) recreates the loving feeling they lost.

There are also many moms who cannot find a way to cope with the feeling and do wean thier older nursling. Gentle weaning is always best, if possible. A two year old should be old enough to explain things to ... you'd be surprised how much more our children understand than we think they do. "Maggie's Weaning" is one of my son's favorite books and can be a helpful tool in talking to your child about weaning.

Another way to cope...somewhere between nursing on demand and weaning ... is to figure out what your limits are and limit the older nursling's nursing. For example, if nursing for a short period of time is ok, but you grow angrier the longer your child nurses, you can implement a timing method: count down from 10 (or 20) to 1 and when you reach one, break the latch and tickle, launch (we say "BLAST OFF!" and launch the child into the air!), or distract the child in another way. Or you can sing a song, and when the song is over, the nursing session is over. This lets you regulate the amount of time the child can nurse...you can sing the song over and over, or sing one verse, depending on how you're feeling. At night a 'nursing nighlight' can be used...you put a nightlight on a timer and the nursling is only allowed to nurse if the nursing nightlight is on. (Some moms don't like the timer method and have a small light next to their bed that they can turn on when the nursling wakes to nurse, mom is willing to nurse at the time...and turn off when mom has had enough of the nursing session.) Sometimes just feeling like you have a bit of control helps you relax more and lessens the negative feelings.

HTH!


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## bellee (Feb 26, 2003)

Thanks ladies for your replies. I have decided to wean my older DD. I just keep remembering what LLL says about the length of a nursing relationship: Kepp it up as long as it is mutually desired. Well it's not desired by me anymore and she is two so I nursed her a good long time and I think I should be proud of that. She's doing really well weaning. I know this is rough but we went cold turkey. I kwow in my heart that she would have it no other way. She's an all or none kinda gal. She doesn't really seem to miss it at all. And we have replaced our special time with other activities such as cuddling and reading books and playing. I'm pleased with my decision and the way my DD is handeling it. Thanks again ladies for you input.


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## jlspalding (May 4, 2004)

I would like to thank the bellee and all you ladies for your wonderful comments and thoughts. I, too, have been going through some really rough spots with BF and anger. But I am not tandem nursing. For some reason, I just simply hate the way it feels now. I have tried looking for medical reasons (I have been hypothyroid post partum) but I can't find any, so I think it's really emotional.

I am sorry bellee that I didn't respond sooner, becuase I can really relate. My dd is only 19 months, and it feels too early to wean. Instead, I limit the number of nursings a day and sometimes the time. She hates that, and there is often crying and it's heartbreaking, but I think it would be worse for her if I weaned her. I had to implement some boundaries for myself, and once I did it helped alot.

I don't know if my comments are helpful, but I sure did enjoy reading this post - it helped me!

thanks,

Jessica


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## bellee (Feb 26, 2003)

Jessica, That's why I love this place. There is always someone going through the same thing. I don't really think my situation didn't have much to do with the tandum thing, but what mom23 said about protecting the baby was logical. I hope things get better for you, or at least get any worse







. My DD seems to be doing just fine so if you still feel like this in a few months and wean, she'll be fine.


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