# Do kids "deserve" their own rooms?



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My SIL is getting remarried. She has custody of the two kids from her previous marriage, and her fiance has typical every-other-weekend-two-weeks-in-the-summer visitation of his two kids. So four kids all together.

My SIL has a three-bedroom house and her fiance has been living in an apartment since his divorce. They each have heaps of lawyer bills from their divorces, plus they each carry loads of student loan debt.

Despite this financial reality, they plan to sell her house and buy a five-bedroom house in the Chicago area ($$$$$$) because they feel each child DESERVES their own room. My SIL said that even if they are put into bankruptsy, which she acknowledges is a possibility, they have to do this so kids don't have to share rooms.

I think this is crazy, and that kids don't deserve their own rooms. As she's my dh's sister and not my sister, I am not comfortable talking to her about it, so I want to ask here. I'm wondering if I'm off and if this is a common belief.


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## FernG (Feb 14, 2008)

I think kids in general don't deserve their own rooms, but I think that visiting kids deserve to have their own space even for only 4 days a month. They need some normalcy, privacy, and ownership in their dad's home. BUT that space doesn't have to be a whole room. It could be a real bed and a piece of storage furniture (desk, wardrobe, chest, etc.).


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I think it's a fairly common belief, but I don't agree with it. Our kids (boy and girl) share a room. DS is starting to hit the point of not wanting his sister's "stuff" in his room. In the next 6 months, we'll probably look at some way to divide the room a bit more. As it is, they each have a bed (that they don't use







), but they share a dresser and toy storage.

That said, I know blended family issues can be harder. FWIW, I never had my own room at my dad's house. I was there EOW, and I shared a room with my step-sister. She was much younger, and my dad and step-mom were good about telling me I could ask for privacy to change or something like that. I wasn't forced to play in there or anything, and I did eventually have some of my things there in my own drawer. My brother shared a room with our step-brothers. My brother had more stuff that he kept there, so he had more space that was his.

In my permanent house, my step-brother was there EOW and usually once a week. We had only 3 bedrooms, but he requested that the loft be his room, so he kept most of his stuff there - and it was a cool space.

I think you do what you have to do to make it work. There is no way I'd risk bankruptcy so children don't have to share a room. I'm sure my kids would like their own rooms, but for another 1-2 years, this is where we are based on a variety of factors. I'm not going to change those plans to avoid them any discomfort, though I will try to accommodate the need for privacy as much as possible.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I wonder if they might be concerned about how "making" some of the kids share a room would look, custody-wise/ visitation-wise.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Ok well more details. She has a boy and a girl, and he has a boy and a girl. There is a 4-year dfference between teh boys and a 6-year difference between teh girls. It seems to me like the boys could share a room and the girls could share a room, but my SIL thinks the ages aren't good for that.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

If it's within the family's means then it's nice to give each kid their own space, but I know very few people who had that privilege as they grew up. A female friend of mine shared with her brother until they she left home at 18 - they lived in a 2 bedroom flat with their parents.

It's a part of being a family and having siblings to have to share. Kids should be accommodated within the family's abilities, e.g. their own bed/side of the room/desk/drawers whatever, but that's all.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

I voted that kids don't "deserve" their own rooms, but I can see where your SIL is coming from, and it sounds like she is coming from a place of love and trying to make sure no child feels less important or lost in the shuffle. I think it's wise that you've decided to stay out of it.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
My SIL said that even if they are put into bankruptsy, which she acknowledges is a possibility, they have to do this so kids don't have to share rooms.

I can see the logistical problems with their particular kids, since the two sets of full siblings are opposite sex, but the above statement is crazy. If it meant the difference between staying afloat and going into bankruptcy, obviously the only sane choice is to have the kids share rooms.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Okay, so your SIL's boy and girl would basically have a room each, all to themselves except every other weekend when they could share with the other boy/girl. I think that's perfectly reasonable. Especially if both parents sit down with their respective children and all together as a family and lay down some ground rules for the sharing of space.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

Kid's can share NO PROBLEM! I WANT my kids to share. Even if I stopped having kids but had more bedrooms I probably put them together. I think it is an excellent learning experience and relationship builder (if handled well).

When I was a kid visiting my Dad's every weekend and one night a week I slept on the floor somewhere (step-sister's room, living room), or the couch. It was never EVER questioned. Now... that isn't ideal. And looking back now it probably wasn't a good idea. It is part of the reason I stopped seeing my dad. I never felt comfortable or at home.

So, I do think the visiting children need to be accommodated. I'm not sure how as I don't know the genders. But SOMETHING can be worked out I'm sure! Finishing a room in the basement (if there is one) or even putting an addition on is probably a wiser investment than what this family is doing.

But the general answer to the question... kids absolutely do not DESERVE their own room and I honestly think those who never get to experience sharing with a sibling are missing out.

Do I think STEP-siblings should share? Well, not if there is another way.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I don't think 'deserve' is the right word. I think children are very very lucky if they can have their own rooms. The reality for most of the world though - isn't that way. We may be able to afford a three bedroom house - but even then, I personally will still be having my children share a room. We all 'deserve' our own space when we _need_ it - but that doesn't have to come in the form of a whole room imo!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My SIL is coming to this from a place of love, and her thought I think is that the rooms would really be her kids' rooms and the other kids would feel like visitors. Which is unfortunate, but to get a 5-bedroom house in the Chicago area to accommodate things differently seems absolutely crazy to me. That will cost a fortune, and I'm not sure they'll even qualify for a loan for that, though SIL seems to think they can find some way to make it happen. Sometimes things aren't ideal. The kids all get along so I don't think it would be awful for them or anything. It seems like things would have to be arranged to make sure her fiance's kids had their own personal space in those rooms, but I just can't see adding the extra astronomical expense as being worth it. I think the financial issues will be harder for the kids than the room sharing. They can drag themselves out of debt living together and both working if they stay in that 3-bedroom house, and afford to help the kids with college or whatever comes up.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Well, with a blended family and their particular family stuff (age differences, and coming into it with children old enough to know differently), I can understand their reasoning, even though I think it's flawed.

I do think it's important for kids to have their own space, but it doesn't have to be as huge as a bedroom, and shared bedrooms can be arranged (with dressers, temporary walls, or freestanding closets) to give each child a private "cubby hole" within the bedroom, if that's what they want. Having one's one room is a luxury that can be nice, but definitely not a necessity. Certainly not something to court bankrupcy for.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

No children do not "deserve" their own room at the family's financial expense. What good is their own room if they end homeless due to bankruptcy.









However I do believe that the non-custodial children deserve their own space whenever possible. The use of the same bed/sleeping area, a few drawers, closet space to keep their things in and place to keep things while they are gone. Space that makes them feel that it is their *home* too.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
My SIL is getting remarried. She has custody of the two kids from her previous marriage, and her fiance has typical every-other-weekend-two-weeks-in-the-summer visitation of his two kids. So four kids all together.

My SIL has a three-bedroom house and her fiance has been living in an apartment since his divorce. They each have heaps of lawyer bills from their divorces, plus they each carry loads of student loan debt.

Despite this financial reality, they plan to sell her house and buy a five-bedroom house in the Chicago area ($$$$$$) because they feel each child DESERVES their own room. My SIL said that even if they are put into bankruptsy, which she acknowledges is a possibility, they have to do this so kids don't have to share rooms.

I think this is crazy, and that kids don't deserve their own rooms. As she's my dh's sister and not my sister, I am not comfortable talking to her about it, so I want to ask here. I'm wondering if I'm off and if this is a common belief.

I voted no. But, depending on gender and age, I can see really wanting each kid to have their own room though. You obviously can't have step-sibs of different gender sharing rooms and you wouldn't want older different gender bio-sibs to have to share either.

I can see wanting the kids who are only there every other weekend to not have to share w/ a kid who was there all the time so they wouldn't feel like a visitor in someone's room.

All that said, bankruptcy would trump all those things.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Well, not to the point where they'd potentially lose their home over it. Where she think all these kids will go if they do go bankrupt and have to find a different house?

I do think kids need their own space. My 2 shared a room when they were younger and it didn't go well. They now have their own rooms and a shared playroom. Growing up, I shared with my brother who's 4 years older and it was difficult. But we only had a 2 bedroom house, so we obviously had to deal with it. Ideally, I do think kids should have their own rooms. But if it's not possible, it's not possible.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

I would pay extra so my kids don't have to share a room.

I shared my room with my sister who was 10 years older then me and I HATED it. I would never do that to my kids is there was another option.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I would pay extra so my kids don't have to share a room.

I shared my room with my sister who was 10 years older then me and I HATED it. I would never do that to my kids is there was another option.

There's a difference of like $500k to $600k to sell her house and get a 5-bedroom house. She's not willing to move her kids to a different school district. The Chicago suburbs can be pricey.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

I know a family who have all 6 kids sharing a room and the kids love it. They feel sorry for kids who have their own rooms "wouldn't they be lonely?" I think going into major debt for this reason is really crazy.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think kids necessarily deserve their own room - but it's nice to have that option depending on their age, personality, family dynamics, space in the house to have some down time, etc. It's not a right, though, and I've def heard people use it as an excuse to not have more kids or move to a smaller home - b/c they think the kids need their own room. As a kid growing up, I shared until my teen years and then we were able to shift around so that we each had our own room - but I would have been fine sharing with my sister until she moved out for college.

My kids are 8, 6, 4, and 2; they certainly don't care about having their own bedrooms at this point. We happen to live in a 5 bedroom home, with plenty of space - yet they much prefer to sleep all in the same room, or 2 in one room, or all squished into our bed/floor. They like to be together, and while it's nice to have separate space for their belongings, no one even likes to go upstairs and play in their own rooms anyway. I can totally see as they get older, especially DD, that things will likely change.

I answered it depends b/c I could go either way. In your SIL's case, it sounds like they are taking a big risk just to fill some supposed need.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I do think kids deserve their own space. I would have loathed having to share a room with a sibling.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I can see the logistical problems with their particular kids, since the two sets of full siblings are opposite sex, but the above statement is crazy. If it meant the difference between staying afloat and going into bankruptcy, obviously the only sane choice is to have the kids share rooms.

This. It would be much simpler if her dh had two boys and she had two girls or whatever. But, even with the logistical problems, risking bankruptcy for this is nuts. I'd have the kids share rooms, and do whatever I could to make sure that the "visiting" (don't like that term, but not sure what to call it) kids had _some_ space of their own.

I will say that I shared a room with my sister and loved it. DD1 and ds2 share a room and they love it. (We'll ultimately put dd1 and dd2 together, which isn't ideal, imo - 6 year age gap - but it is what it is.) There's a family in our complex where an 17 year old, 15 year old and 5 year old boy share a room. They have three sisters - 14, 13 and 7 months. The two older girls share the other room, and the baby will move in there, as well. They have three bedrooms for a family of eight - obviously, the kids can't each have their own room.

I find the "deserve" terminology here _really_ weird. I think the kids "deserve" to have a family that isn't bankrupt, personally.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

The term "deserve" is my SIL's, which is why I put it in quotation marks. I don't get the use of that word either. I think it would be ideal for them to each have their own room, but that doesn't seem financially realistic to me, at all. I think the concept of "deserve" gets a lot of people into financial trouble.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Yeah - I got that it was your SIL's word. I think it's a weird way to think about it, and can lead to a lot of trouble.


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

Kids deserve parents who love and care for them to the best of their ability. Part of adequate care is having parents who can manage a household budget. If managing the household budget means living in a smaller, shared space, then that's the way it is.

It does not help one's children to go broke trying to keep up appearances.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Kids "deserve" a roof over their head, a warm place to sleep, a place where they are loved, food to eat, and clothing on their back.

Of course no kid "deserves" their own room! Would it be nice, sure! Will they be damaged because they are forced to share a room? Probably not. Will they be damaged because they end up homeless from buying a house they can't afford? Not a chance I would be willing to take.


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## Kreeblim (Dec 19, 2009)

My sister and I were 18 months apart and we shared a room over the years on occassion starting while very young. It was a horrid freaking disaster every time. In college I couldn't tolerate shared dorms either, which cost me more money in student loans for a single.

However, I think alot of that is because of parenting issues (my mom was a single working mom with two jobs and many bad behaviours of ours were just too difficult for her to deal with when she only saw us for a couple hours a night after daycare). My eldest boys are 4 and 5 and use bunk beds. They have totally different interests and sleeping habits (dinosaurs vs. trucks, and must-have-nightlight vs. ANY light is too much) but they get along so well that I'm not sure HOW we'd give them each their own room. When they argue they go play in different rooms and that seems to be enough alone time for them.

It may change as they get older, but I would hesitate to assume kids "need" their own room just because I feel like I did. Being able to handle sharing a room is a skill that would have helped alot when I was older. As long as the kids have some space of their own, and are allowed to go off alone in the house if they don't feel like interacting with their sibs I think sharing a room can end up as a positive in the long run. Especially if it means the difference between your family drowning in debt or not.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Um, so the rooms shared would only be a weekend every other week, otherwise the kids have their own rooms, essentially? So I'd be risking bankruptcy for two rooms to sit unused primarily?

DO SIL's kids go away to their dad every other weekend?

I don't think the age difference is too great for the two boys and two girls.

I think it benefits kids to learn to share a room, and the whole notion that each kid deserves a room is pretty off-putting. I remember in college how they had a whole session on room sharing that for parents and students and wondered how 18 year olds would really be so selfish about sharing!


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't think that children deserve their own rooms anymore than I think that your SIL deserves to shove her debt load off onto the rest of us by purposely going bankrupt.

I shared rooms my whole entire growing up without issue. Wanting and needing are two different things, and the word deserve is just so loaded.

I'd put this in the "it would be nice" category, but not necessary.


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## Mittsy (Dec 29, 2009)

I would say it depends upon the family's financial situation, and the children's wishes on the matter. That being said, I don't think it hurts kids one bit to share a room with a sibling for awhile if the need should arise.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

What kids deserve is a stable, loving family where their parents are emotionally available to them, and able to spend the time with them to help them develop to their fullest potential. If a family is in a highly uncertain financial position, that's a heck of a lot more damaging to the stability of a family than the conflicts naturally arising out of siblings or even step-siblings sharing a room would be. And if parents or step-parents are working long hours to sustain a lifestyle than includes a house that is beyond their means, spending too little time with their kids, and coming home stressed and strained, that's way more damaging than living in closer quarters (with its inevitable conflicts) would be.

I think kids having their own rooms is a nice frill, if you can afford it, especially as kids grow older, or if there are sticky issues like half-sibs or step-sibs, but I'd hardly call it a necessity.

I have several extended family members with this belief, who are all working too-long hours at stressful jobs, bringing home a ton of tension and anxiety about their work and about financial issues, and spending far too little time with their kids, because they imagine their kids "must" have all sorts of things, like their own rooms, their own bathrooms, a big yard, a pool membership, etc. I can't see that their kids are happier than mine are, who all three sleep in the same large room.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

To the OP.

Hmm... I think it can be nice to have your own room, but not needed.

Kids deserve their own personal space. That can be a room, or a tree house, or a part of a shared room, etc.

Not everyone wants their own room. Some siblings _like_ sharing a room. It seems counter productive if you give each their own room if two of them want to share a room.


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

Kids "deserve" a stable family life that doesn't involve losing a home through foreclosure or bankruptcy.









Four nights a month sharing a room with a step-sibling with a 4 or 6 year difference... not a big deal! Wouldn't it be weirder to have two bedrooms empty for 24-27 days out of the month?


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

Once I became a teenager, I _hated_ sharing a room.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Absolutely not, we live in a small apartment with two bedrooms as many other families here do, the kids have one room and we have the other - well invaribly the kids end up with us but in general they share the room, we can't afford it and will only get another apartment with maybe 3 rooms when we can afford it, I'm not going to put my kids or ourselves into danger by wanting too much too soon, that's irresponsible, in my childhood we lost our house due to silly expectations like that, we were much happier with a smaller house - (I shared a room with my sister up until we left home), than in a huge home that my mother couldn't keep up with cleaning and my father couldn't pay for - just not worth it IMO.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Not a choice I would make, but also not something I would get too worked up about if a friend or family member did this.


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## anj_rn (Oct 1, 2009)

I have shared a room with both my sisters at different times. I will say that the bigger the age gap, the harder it was for me, but the kids will not be in those rooms all the time. I would definitely go with separate beds, and make sure each kid has personal space.

How to divide has a lot to do with how old the kids are. I know the girls are 4 yrs apart and the boys are 6 yrs apart, but how old are each of them?
There is a big difference between boys that are 16 and 10 and girls that are 15 and 11, and boys that are 10 and 4, and girls that are 7 and 3.

If they are older, I would sit down and explain the situation to them and ask them each to come up with a possible solution. Then you can all get together and talk about it.

I would also commit to trying it out in the current house before a big move. My neighbor's DSD has a room at her house that she only uses twice a month and 2 weeks during the summer, but she freaked out when it was used as a guest room in her absence. When I was little, we got kicked out of our rooms on to pallets on the living room floor if a grown up relative needed our bed.


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## Hayes (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow. I HAVE a house with 5 bedrooms, and no one has their own room except the baby! Three boys share a room, ages 7, 4, and 3, and two girls share a room, 9 and 10. The baby is in the nursery. I share a room with my husband, and the other room is an office.


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## jtbuko (Sep 28, 2006)

The clincher on my no vote, was the "no matter the cost" phrase. I think they do need a space to call their own, but it can be a special desk, chair, part of a room or closet even. They can still share a room and have their own space.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DaughterOfKali* 
Once I became a teenager, I _hated_ sharing a room.

Yeah. But I hated a lot of things as a teenager that weren't bad for me, and that in many cases may actually have been GOOD for me. We can't always make our kids happy.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

So she buys a 5 bed house so they can have their own rooms. What happens when they go bankrupt and lose the house? How many rental apartments are in the same school district that are 5 bedroom and will rent to a recent bankrupt?

Can she not finish the basement to put a couple of rooms down there?


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

I voted no. Sure it's nice, but not a necessity at all.


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## thefreckledmama (Jun 1, 2007)

I would think each having a boy and a girl would make it simple. Get bunk beds for each room. Boys share a room, girls share a room. They'd only even be "shared" 4 days a month.

Having one's own room, and having one's own space are two different things. I absolutely think that kids need their own space in either parent's home when it's feasible.

I would never throw down the kind of funds that the OP's SIL is planning to for 2 extra bedrooms for 4 days a month, especially with all the debt they already have. I just think the same money would be better spent on areas that are more likely to benefit the children on a wider scope-extra curriculars, college savings accounts, family vacations that include all 6 family members.

I think her heart is definitely in the right place, but her head and finances, probably not.









ETA: Even when we only had 2 girls and 3 bedrooms, the girls shared a room-and a bed, actually (they both slept better with someone else in the bed). We used the 3rd bedroom for a play/school room.


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## MamaJenese (Aug 14, 2006)

Basically she's talking about going an additional 500K min. into debt (which is already substantial to have two additional rooms for kids to not share a room every other weekend and two weeks in the summer? I would think a better investment would be dressing screens for privacy and/or neat frurniture that could define space for each child in a shared space. A child "deserves" to feel loved and welcomed in the home and family. That love is not determined by square footage. We lived in a three bedroom house, I had two sisters. There were almost always extra kids living with us. Foster children, family members fallen on hard times, you name it. We were constantly rearaging sleeping arrangments and bedrooms. We always found a way to make everyone feel as though there was some space that was there own.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

In the case of a blended family such as your SIL's is going to be, I'd say that for the sake of the family as a whole, your SIL and her fiance are wise to want each child to have a room of their own. In general, though, I lean more to room sharing depending on the finances of the family and the personalities, ages, and gender of the children.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

I don't think it matters for younger children but as kids get older (teens) I think they should have their own personal space - I know for some families it's not always possible for each child to have their own rooms with limited space.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

If they can't afford the house, will they realistically be able to even qualify for the loan? It may be a non-issue.

I don't think that room sharing comes down to "deserving" or not. Though I can't think of the right word I would use.

I can see your SIL's point, I think it's very compassionate and sweet that they're not trying the *squish* Oh Look Now We're A Happy Family, Smile Honey! routine. Whether or not that's realistic, I dunno.

I can understand the thinking that you want to take the easiest/less traumatic route of not forcing everyone into a shared space AND buying a totally new house, so there's not the territory thing. But again, you have to be realistic. Beggaring yourself so that you are in constant danger of losing it all sounds like a recipe for divorce and unhappy kiddos to me--I wouldn't put that kind of financial instability "because of the kids" on a new marriage.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
If they can't afford the house, will they realistically be able to even qualify for the loan? It may be a non-issue.

It seems unlikely, in this economic climate, that they'll even qualify for the loan if they really can't afford it.

I participated in the poll thinking someone was asking the question based on making decisions about *their own* family -- only to find that it's a question about what some other couple should do.

It's certainly not what I would do -- but I'm not the one in the situation.

I voted for the third option. We are in a position where each of our girls can have her own room at whatever point they both want this. We currently use one of our three bedrooms as an office, since neither girl is interested in sleeping alone at this time.

I think it's a family-to-family decision. It seems really nice that your SIL and her fiance are being so mindful of their children's transition.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I think it's a family-to-family decision. It seems really nice that your SIL and her fiance are being so mindful of their children's transition.

I didn't see where the OP's SIL and her fiance were being mindful of the children's transition, myself. I'll admit they might be, but the OP never said that. She said that her SIL and her fiance feel that the children each deserve a room of their own. She didn't say they wanted one. She didn't say that her SIL's children are okay with selling their existing home. How mindful anyone is being is anyone's guess.

It's obviously her SIL's decision, not ours. I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that anyone would actually knowingly risk bankruptcy to ensure that each child had their own room.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that anyone would actually knowingly risk bankruptcy to ensure that each child had their own room.

I couldn't wrap my mind around doing that, either. At the same time, it seems like our current economic system is based on people thinking they need to "up-grade," whether it's an absolute necessity or not.

I understand that it's this kind of risk-taking that drove us into this financial crisis in the first place -- but, paradoxically, our consumer-economy really does depend on a significant number of people being, well, consumers.

If everyone started being super-sensible, and recycling and reusing everything they possibly could, and improved their old homes with their own labor at minimal cost rather than "upgrading" to a new house to accommodate growing families --

This would probably actually destroy more jobs than what have been destroyed through this current crisis. Which would probably be a good thing overall, if it helped us move into a more sustainable way of life.

So maybe people like this SIL are helping fuel the consumer economy ... or maybe they're helping destroy it by taking out a loan that they're likely to default on ... it's hard to say if they're helping or hurting our economy in the long run ...

And it's hard to say if losing everything would add more stress, or ultimately relieve them of their stress and help them move to a simpler way of life. Sometimes what seems like a poor choice ends up being instrumental in helping us make needed changes.


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## sehbub (Mar 15, 2006)

Our older two girls shared a room for as long as was comfortable for them, which was until about a year ago. At their biomom's house, they still share a room. 9 times out of 10, one of them climbs in to bed with the other, waking both of them up, and they're total pills the next day from lack of sleep.







They also have no privacy, no separate space (shared closet, dresser, bookcase, desk, etc) and are miserable.

We were in a position to be able to find a house with 5 bedrooms. When we moved in, DD1 and DD2 still wanted to share a room. Within a few months of moving, they decided they (and we, because of the whole "waking each other up" thing) were done sharing a room so they've had their own rooms ever since.

DD3 wakes up at 6am, without fail, and DS sleeps until 8 or 9 if undisturbed. They too have separate rooms.

We're looking at a 6 BR house now, but the largest bedroom will become a big playroom.

Do kids deserve their own room? No. Can it make life abundantly easier? Abso-frickin-lutely. We've followed our kids' lead on this, so when they're ready to be split up (or share) we try and accommodate that.

I wouldn't ever consider separate sleeping quarters (because that's all bedrooms are in our house) to be important enough for us to go in to bankruptcy. We're lucky enough to live in an area in which we can get enough BRs for everyone to have their own (even when baby arrives) and be moving in to a better school district, for $67K LESS than the house we're in now.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Normally I would say no, kids don't need their own rooms. However, the blended family situation changes things completely. If I were your SIL, I would do everything in my power--short of bankruptcy--to give the non-custodial kids their own rooms.

I don't think your SIL will qualify for a loan if the bank doesn't think they can afford it. So, I would just stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may. It's definitely not your place to say anything.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I participated in the poll thinking someone was asking the question based on making decisions about *their own* family -- only to find that it's a question about what some other couple should do.

[campaign to make people read the OP before voting]

That oughta teach you!!

[/campaign to make people read the OP before voting]


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

my sister and I shared a room until we moved out...

I think having your own room is a very Western idea and that sharing a room teaches compromise and respect...

having SOME personal space is important I think but I think that can be a dresser where one drawer is personal things instead of clothing...


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

I grew up in a family with 3 kids and five bedrooms. My brothers shared a room and I had a room to myself, since I was the only girl, one of the rooms was used as a study and another was used as a guest room. Maybe I am the weirdo, but I was soooo upset I did not have a sister to share a room with. My brothers shared a room and yeah there might have been a few times when they would have preferred a room of their own, but in general they had a great time sharing a room together. I was always so envious.

Currently we have a 4 bdrm home and 3 kids. The baby is only 5 mo old. I am reluctant to lose my guest room. So for now his crib is in there (didn't change any decor or move any furniture, it's just his crib and all of his stuff is in the closet). In a couple of yrs when he is old enough to move to a bed, I am moving him to DS2's room. I plan to get bunk beds for DS1 and DS2 (in DS1's room), and they can share a bedroom. I think they will like it. They are only 18 mo apart and very close. I do not really believe that each child is entitled to their own room. In fact, I think it's downright lonely from my exp to not have a roomie to share with.


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## gaudynight (Sep 10, 2007)

Deserve? No.

I mean, I get where your SIL is coming from - right up to the point where she'd rather risk bankruptcy than have the kids share. I think the kids might prefer a stable roof over their heads to rooms of their own...

At the moment, our three oldest girls are sharing a room (and beds, half the time). I think DD1, who is 7, will want/need her own room within the next year or two - she's a lot like me and I always struggled to share a room with my sister, I really did _need_ that absolutely alone time. I voted "depends" for that reason, although I don't think 'deserve' is the right word.

If it was bankruptcy or her own room, though, we'd help her deal. A dividing screen. Curtains round her bed. The walk-in closet off our room (not as a bedroom of course - just as a hiding hole). Whatever it took, short of losing the house.


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## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I think having your own room is a very Western idea and that sharing a room teaches compromise and respect...

This is what I was thinking reading this thread - my in-laws (Indian) thought it was very strange and almost cruel when DS1 moved out of our room into his own at 18months. When I was in India recently my 13yr old niece was quizzing me about our lifestyle here and was horrified to find DS1(now 3 1/2yrs) was sleeping alone, said she would not be able to sleep without her mum and brother in the room too.

DS2 had started to sleep through so has just moved in to share with DS1 (ds2 is almost 2 yrs now). They love being together. My mum always makes comments about how small our house is and that it's unfortunate they have to share but I told her that even if I had more rooms I would have them share as I think it's great for their relationship. I love hearing when they wake up in the morning and have these little conversations, unaware I'm listening over the monitor.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I voted no, but I can see the appeal in this particular situation.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Ok well more details. She has a boy and a girl, and he has a boy and a girl. There is a 4-year dfference between teh boys and a 6-year difference between teh girls. It seems to me like the boys could share a room and the girls could share a room, but my SIL thinks the ages aren't good for that.

FWIW, I think she's right, and it's probably the best solution in the long run. Kids don't deserve their own rooms, but sometimes finding ways to provide them is right. (We have five kids, three bedrooms for them, and my big two would love a bedroom each.)


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Ideally I think children should have their own rooms. But life isn't always ideal. If I were to have a second child, K would have to share his room the way our house is now (two bedrooms). But we've talked about adding on, so it wouldn't be a long term thing, if at all.

I don't think that you should upgrade if it is not a good financial decision for your family. In your SIL's situation, I can kind of understand why they are doing what they are doing. Throwing two other kids into a room that is already established will be hard. I think you said they are teenagers, that will be even harder. New marriage, now you have to share a room with someone you may or may not know so well. Very stressful for everyone involved. Different personalities, etc. If everyone gets along, I would leave things as they are for now, and everyone has to share a room. But if it would be war-then I would probably try to figure something out. New marriage, plus teenagers is hard enough without adding a feud.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaJenese* 
I would think a better investment would be dressing screens for privacy and/or neat frurniture that could define space for each child in a shared space.

*Yes!* I just recently saw this, which was a very cool space, with a desk that can be retracted into the bed when not in use. The bed is on the small side, though there are other types of dense storage/bed units with larger beds to fit lots of kid stuff in a small space.

Or upgrade to a space with 3 BRs, but with larger BRs, so that each kid room can be divided with a screen and still have space to move for the few days a month it is needed.


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## 3plus2isme (Nov 8, 2009)

I haven't read any other replies yet...

I think kids having or not having their own room is entirely up to that specific situation.

Or kids beg to share a room. Ever since DS2 was 8 months old they've been bunking up. We've always had enough bedrooms for them to have their own but we were constantly pulling DS1's mattress into DS2's room









Personally I wouldn't bunk up a 6 year old girl with a 12 year old boy. Or something like that.


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## fork (Feb 7, 2007)

I didn't read through everything yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating.

I think that if at all possible, kids should have the option of having their own rooms. I don't think anyone, kids included, should be forced to share their personal space with someone if they don't want to. We all have to do that plenty out in the world, and we shouldn't have to do it at home too. It doesn't have to be fancy, a sectioned off area of the basement (I had a lot of friends with older brothers that liked this option). Some degree of noise seperation, and a way to close off the area for privacy is all they really need. I think anything less is just a bad idea. I consider personal space to be just as important as food and clothing.

I think of those Bates kids (is that the name? the people who are friends of the Duggers?) and how they were all crammed like 8 to a room in that little house and just feel incredibly sad for them. No privacy, personal space, or quiet. I really don't think it's any way to live.

Should the family put themselves in serious financial trouble to make sure each kid has a room? No, of course not. I think they should do their best to make something work though, maybe building some rooms in the basement or something.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I shared a room with my brother who was six years younger than me most of my life with no issues. Obviously I think wanting/needing privacy comes more when kids are older. We have five bedrooms and the two oldest each have their own while the three youngest share. At six, four and two they don't want to be alone, heck they all still sleep in our bed anyway.

I understand that she would want them to have their own space, but could they not maybe convert a garage or attic or basement or something?

I agree with everyone who said it's not worth going bankrupt over, especially if the home she currently owns is paid for. Surely they can devise something.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

To say "all kids *deserve* their own rooms" is a very classist statement. Not everybody can afford a large enough home to make that happen!

But in the OP's SIL's situation, I can understand her desire to give each child his or her own room. It's awkward to share with your much younger step-sib when you're there EOW- even if you have your own bed and a piece of furniture with lockable drawers, it's hard not to feel like a visitor coming into "the other sibling's" bedroom. And it's hard to feel "at home" when you feel like a visitor.

I would, however, encourage your SIL to get creative with the space she already has, in the 3 bedroom home she can easily afford. Is there space in the house that can be converted to extra bedroom space, such as an attic, basement, garage, or formal dining room?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I agree with the others who don't think "deserve" is such a great word to use.

But I do think children "deserve" to be the ones who have to make the LEAST adjustments in a divorce/remarriage situation.

I don't generally agree with Dr. Laura -- but I thought she was right-on one time when she suggested that children should get to stay in their own homes for visitation, rather than being the ones to go back and forth. On the non-custodial parent's weekend, the custodial parent should find someplace else to stay and the custodial parent should just spend the weekend with the child in his own home.

Of course, I understand that this isn't always do-able. I.e., what if the custodial parent has remaried and had 4 additional children, how do-able is it for them all to stay in a motel for every other weekend?

So, sadly, even though the children don't usually have a say as to whether parents divorce and remarry, they still usually end up being the ones who have to go back and forth every other weekend or so. And maybe some enjoy it -- but they probably don't have a choice anyway.

So, I think if it's possible, it IS really nice for parents to be willing to do whatever they reasonably can to make transitions easier for their children who are having to go back and forth, and adjust to new stepparents and new stepsiblings, and so on and so forth.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Children deserve a fair portion of the families resources.

If a family can reasonably afford a huge house, then that may happen to be a room for each kid. However, if the family doesn't have much in the way of resources, that may simply be half of a shared bed (DH's family was very poor growing up in the Bronx in a one bedroom apt, he shared a bed with his little brother.)

I suspect the bank won't give your SIL a mortgage she can't afford though. Banks have become much much more cautious recently. Ikea has all kinds of great solutions for giving kids privacy in a shared room.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

It's a very American idea. My Dh is from Ireland and he was the only kid he knew with his own room (he's the only boy in his family, his 6 sisters shared two bedrooms). It is more common there now because more people are limiting their family sizes.

He loves that our two kids get their own rooms *most* of the time. We move a lot for his job and it's normal for us to live temporarily for months at a time in a 2 bedroom apartment so our DDs bunk up together. They whine a little, but we figure it's character building.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
But in the OP's SIL's situation, I can understand her desire to give each child his or her own room. It's awkward to share with your much younger step-sib when you're there EOW- even if you have your own bed and a piece of furniture with lockable drawers, it's hard not to feel like a visitor coming into "the other sibling's" bedroom. And it's hard to feel "at home" when you feel like a visitor.

This is true. I think, depending on the size of the rooms in a smaller house, I'd partition off the rooms, and keep one part of each room for the child who is there full-time and part of it for the child who is there EOW. The child who lives there full-time would be expected to stay out of his/her step-sibling's area - completely. The step-sibling could decorate, etc. to suit themselves.


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## Sk8ermaiden (Feb 13, 2008)

I think at a certain age, if at all possible, a girl and boy shouldn't have to share a room. I also think that once a kid id high school aged, it is nice for privacy's sake to let them have their own room.

I in no way see it as a necessity though.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i have not read all the replies.

i think for the sake of family peace your SIL is right. esp. if the kids are in their teens or close to their teens or even tweens. i know my dd would love to share a room with a step sister. however i also know my friends 7 year old. he would have a hard time.

so when bringing up a family from birth of course it is not necessary.

but in a blended family with all the dynamics - yes debt is better than not having private space.


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

I have not read all the replies. I have 2 siblings, my brother and sister, and 6 step siblings, 2 boys, 1 girl and 2 girls, 1 boy on each side of the family. I feel that the issue is NOT having their own room, but respecting that each child deserves space of their own, but MOST IMPORTANTLY deserves to be respected and treated as a part of the family. Although my "steps" came later in my life, I know that for my step-siblings they all had issues of not being treated as part of the family. For instance- once had to sleep in the closet when he came over, their way of making sure he "had is own space". A room is totally secondary to feeling like you belong, that you are part of both families, and are respected as such.


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## HollyBaby (Dec 24, 2009)

Is she thinking her husband can get reduced child support by having a larger housing payment?

Kds deserve shelter. This doesn't mean their very own bedrooms, especially if it may bankrupt the family. They're going to set the kids up to feel entitled to everthing they want by doing this.


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## redpajama (Jan 22, 2007)

I voted "other."

In general, I don't think kids "deserve" their own rooms or need to have their own rooms. In your SIL's situation, though, I can see that it's sort of tricky. Having the kids share rooms by sex (girls in one, boys in the other) doesn't seem like a great solution to me, unless these kids have a *particularly* close relationship already established (and, with their age differences, I imagine they don't). It would totally feel like the non-custodial kids were "guests" in your SIL's kids' rooms, in my opinion. Would they feel comfortable leaving anything there for the two weeks they were away between visits--knowing that it was in someone else's room? I wouldn't. The full-time resident of the room might resent having someone stay in there every couple of weeks, and the visiting child would likely pick up on this and feel uncomfortable. Not a good solution, in my opinion.

On the other hand, depending on their ages, I can see that it might not work well to have opposite-sex siblings sharing rooms, either.

I, personally, would feel like the non-custodial kids should have a space of their own (if we were able to provide it), but that it would be okay for that space to be shared--so maybe one bedroom for the two of them to share at our house. Then I would make the decision about your SIL's kids based on their ages, personalities, what they've grown accustomed to, et cetera.

Bottom line, I wouldn't risk bankruptcy to provide kids with their own rooms, but I would do everything in my creative power to help provide a little personal space for everyone and to avoid making my step-kids feel as though they were any less a part of our family because of their non-residential status.

Depending on their ages, I would also involve the kids in this decision--ask them what was really important to them, explain what our limitations were and let them help come up with solutions. Perhaps they would suggest, for example, the girls sharing one room and the boys sharing the other--in which case I think it would be an entirely different issue and might work out just fine.


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

I see where SIL is coming from, but it's not reasonable. Not knowing the ages of the kids (didn't read all of the posts), I would suggest they sit down with _her_ kids and figure out a way to make his kids feel welcome when they're there. Could the boys "share" a room--like with one of those bunkbeds with the futon on the bottom so that it can be a couch when there's only one there, and a separate area be set up for the oldest girl? Or maybe murphy beds in a den are a possibility? Could a den/office be converted to an extra part-time bedroom?

It's a toughie but I would not further compromise the family's resources for the sake of sleeping arrangements. Think of the fun things they could do together with the money they'll save by sharing!


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

I think each child deserves their own bed, and their own space, but not their own room.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

What I don't see is how it's any of your business. It's disappointing at this late date to still see this kind of thread on MDC - picking apart the choices of a third party who isn't here to defend themselves. With a poll, no less!









Like everyone, I have my own ideas about what I would or wouldn't do in that situation, but you know, it's just not relevant because I wasn't put on this earth to participate in a vote about strangers' personal choices. If you are not close enough to her to take the subject up with her directly, I don't see what you're going to accomplish by going behind her back, online, with judgment, other than to get yourself worked up about something you have no control over and will probably only lead to bad blood between you and her if you give into the temptation to get involved. If she ASKS you, you can give your opinion, respectfully. You can never know exactly what is going on in another person's situation unless they let you all the way in which she obviously has not. Did it even occur to you that her apparently cavalier attitude WRT bankruptcy may have just been her way of blowing off your nosiness? Why should she let you in on the details of her and her fiance's finances, be they good or bad? If you are really concerned about those kids, work on your relationship with them and let your SIL manage her own concerns as the responsible adult in HER family. It will be unfortunate if she really does end up bankrupt - although I don't think you have any REAL reason to believe it's particularly likely - but you have to let people make their own mistakes. I guarantee it will be worse for the kids if she feels they can't come around your place without getting the third degree about financial responsibility or anything else. It's just not the role of an adult's siblings or siblings-in-law to second-guess personal financial decisions. I could go on all night but I'll stop now. Sheesh.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
What I don't see is how it's any of your business. It's disappointing at this late date to still see this kind of thread on MDC - picking apart the choices of a third party who isn't here to defend themselves. With a poll, no less!









The OP was asking for other people's viewpoints to check her own views against.

Quote:

Like everyone, I have my own ideas about what I would or wouldn't do in that situation, but you know, it's just not relevant because I wasn't put on this earth to participate in a vote about strangers' personal choices. If you are not close enough to her to take the subject up with her directly, I don't see what you're going to accomplish by going behind her back, online, with judgment, other than to get yourself worked up about something you have no control over and will probably only lead to bad blood between you and her if you give into the temptation to get involved. If she ASKS you, you can give your opinion, respectfully. You can never know exactly what is going on in another person's situation unless they let you all the way in which she obviously has not. Did it even occur to you that her apparently cavalier attitude WRT bankruptcy may have just been her way of blowing off your nosiness? Why should she let you in on the details of her and her fiance's finances, be they good or bad? If you are really concerned about those kids, work on your relationship with them and let your SIL manage her own concerns as the responsible adult in HER family. It will be unfortunate if she really does end up bankrupt - although I don't think you have any REAL reason to believe it's particularly likely - but you have to let people make their own mistakes. I guarantee it will be worse for the kids if she feels they can't come around your place without getting the third degree about financial responsibility or anything else. It's just not the role of an adult's siblings or siblings-in-law to second-guess personal financial decisions. I could go on all night but I'll stop now. Sheesh.
I'm wondering where you got the idea that the OP was going to third-degree the kids, or confront her SIL about any of this? She never suggested anything of that ilk, whatsoever.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
The OP was asking for other people's viewpoints to check her own views against.

You mean, to see if the majoriy of people think she's right and her SIL is wrong?









This is a perfectly human tendency, I do it myself sometimes -- but I also agree with GalateaDunkel because, at least when *I* am doing it, if I'm honest with myself my only real motive is to get confirmation that I am right and the other person is wrong, regarding decisions they are making about *their own* life.

Which is most certainly none of my business. Unless they are asking my opinion.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Fair enough - but when I do that, I'm also trying to understand the thinking behind the viewpoint I don't agree with. I got the feeling that was part of where the OP was coming from. In any case, I don't get any feeling whatsoever that the OP is planning to use our posts as ammo against her SIL, or harangue her niece and nephew.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
I would pay extra so my kids don't have to share a room.

I shared my room with my sister who was 10 years older then me and I HATED it. I would never do that to my kids is there was another option.

Is it possible that it wasn't the room sharing that was the problem, but the way your parents handled it?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Fair enough - but when I do that, I'm also trying to understand the thinking behind the viewpoint I don't agree with. I got the feeling that was part of where the OP was coming from. *In any case, I don't get any feeling whatsoever that the OP is planning to use our posts as ammo against her SIL, or harangue her niece and nephew*.

Bolding mine ... I didn't get any feeling that she was going to harangue anyone, either.

And I actually don't harangue people when they make decisions that I disagree with. I'm just realizing that, at least *for me*, it's not all that constructive to try to figure out whether someone else is right or wrong, about the decisions they make without consulting me.

Edited to Add: So maybe that's one area where I disagree with GalateaDunkel, since I don't believe the OP's going to harangue anyone. I just agree with her that it's really none of our business to be talking about what some complete stranger who doesn't even post here, should be doing.

Not that I don't ever talk about people, because sometimes I do catch myself making these judgments. I just don't think it's healthy -- not for me, anyway.

And now here I am, going against my own advice by talking about what the OP should be doing, LOL.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I was just trying to get perspective. I won't talk to her about it because it's a decision for them, not for me.


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## Kristine233 (Jul 15, 2003)

We have 3 kids and live in a 5 bedroom house. DH and I don't share a room (he snores). Each of our kids also have their own room. But guess what? Almost every other night I find all 3 kids in my youngest DD's room. She has bunk beds and a couch in her room and the kids all cram in there and share it, its comforting to them. If they aren't all in there at least one is always in the bed of another sibling. A lot of the time Dh and I have to go hunt for one child who is not in their own room and figure out where they decided to crash for the night.

In our house, rooms are for sleeping. They play in family rooms, together. I see no issue with sharing a room. The ONLY reason my kids have separate rooms is because we have the space. But none of them need or deserve a room of their own. At least once a year the kids do a room swap amongst themselves and often times the girls choose to share a room for awhile.

You don't need your own room to have personal space. A bed, or a desk can serve as this. As long as its a space that they can retreat to that is no one else's.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I was just trying to get perspective. I won't talk to her about it because it's a decision for them, not for me.

I believe you.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

This isn't just about the OPs SIL. It speaks to a general trend in american culture to provide for our children beyond our means because we feel like we are some how harming them if we don't. houses are clearly getting bigger and bigger even though families are not. It is becoming increasingly uncommon for siblings to share rooms. I think this is great fodder for a discussion, OPs SIL aside. what the heck else do we all have to sit around and gab about.

if I may throw out a slightly related question..My MIL has a 4 bedroom house. She had two children who got settled into the larger two bedrooms. then several years later had twins. they ended up sharing the very tiny nursery for 16 years. In our house we have two bedrooms and three girls. that means one got their own room and the other two shared. I handled it quite differently than MIL though. we rotated every couple years, who ever was the most obnoxious sleeper or the lightest sleeper or whatever fit the needs of everyone getting sleep is how we divied things up and the two sharing a room got the biggest room. (both houses had play rooms so no one was cramming everyones belongings into their bed room) in a situation where not everyone has to share a room do you think it is fair that one or two kids got their own room? were not the two kids sharing entitled to as much as their siblings had? how would you have handled that?

I do not think kids are entitled to their own rooms or even their own beds. . . . As it is we are all lucky to have a roof over our heads and thats how it was growing up. its a good day around here when you don't have to sleep on the floor....

in your SIL case...she does realize if it drives her into bankruptsy she will not get to keep the house most likely....and then they will have no rooms...just throwing that out there.

it is more complicated with the step siblings. Heres the thing though, when you go to visit the non-custodial parent you are visiting. it is not your home and the greatest most private room is not going to change that. I have been the visited, the visitor, and my children visit at their dads every other weekend. non-custodial parents place is not your home no matter how you dress it up.

and yes it sucks having your visiting step sister crash in your room. especially if you have different bed times. especially if she crashes in your bed. especially if she snores.... It made me really really resent my step sister. I am not sure why she didn't share a room with her sister who lived at our house. Not sure why she couldn't stay up later. but that is not relevent to the discussion. just saying. but everyone needs to pull together to make it work. however it has to work. its two days, every other weekend. I would expect my children to suck it up in the name of family. besides sharing a room is a good way to get to know your step siblings and bond a little (I can't lie, as much as I hated sharing my room with her it is the only time I spent getting to know her and grew kinda fond of her. I think there was about 6 years between us. maybe four. clearly I did not get to know her that well.....) But I would recommend everyone have their own beds. and visitors have a private lockable space to put some of their stuff.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I voted other. I do think kids should have their own rooms if possible, and definitely as teens. I also think kids should get to visit Disneyland at least once as kids, and to have college paid for if they keep a certain grade point. Of course that is all dependant on finances!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anj_rn* 
How to divide has a lot to do with how old the kids are. I know the girls are 4 yrs apart and the boys are 6 yrs apart, but how old are each of them?

I would also commit to trying it out in the current house before a big move.

I agree - what are ages and genders of SIL's kids and her fiance's kids? And I'd definitely try to convert a room or two in the house to make it work for the fiance's kids to have some space of their own. You could do some pretty cool stuff with a tiny portion of what it would cost to buy a big house in an expensive area.

When I was a kid, a family with four kids (three girls and one boy) had the two oldest girls (only a year apart) share a room that had previously been a one car attached garage. They took out the garage door and made a wall. They then put a floor to ceiling bookshelf type thing in the middle of the room with just enough room on one end to walk around it. Each girl got one side, and each girl got to paint her side any way/color she wanted. It turned out really cool. This was originally a three bedroom house - and in the end the parents had one room, the boy had one room, the baby (girl) had one room, and the two older girls shared what had been the garage.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that anyone would actually knowingly risk bankruptcy to ensure that each child had their own room.

It is hard to tell if the SIL was lamenting that this plan may result in bankruptcy OR if the OP mentioned that and her SIL agreed it is possible - just to avoid the argument, 'cause well, anything is possible. I doubt SIL would go into this if she thought losing the house and filing bankruptcy was the most likely end result.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Anglyn* 
I understand that she would want them to have their own space, but could they not maybe convert a garage or attic or basement or something?

Exactly!!! Garage, attic, basement, current office, bonus room, even enclosing a front porch could work. Any of these options would be cheaper than buying a new house, and keep SIL's kids in their school district without the stress of a move. A closet to make the room an official/legal bedroom is totally unnecessary. Buy a dresser!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
her apparently cavalier attitude WRT bankruptcy may have just been her way of blowing off your nosiness? Why should she let you in on the details of her and her fiance's finances, be they good or bad? If you are really concerned about those kids, work on your relationship with them and let your SIL manage her own concerns as the responsible adult in HER family.

I understand and agree with this - but as long as the OP keeps her info anonymous and her opinions to herself (and she has said she is) then it is an interesting topic since our society does seem to have an issue with buying more than we can afford - and why do we do it?


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 

Despite this financial reality, they plan to sell her house and buy a five-bedroom house in the Chicago area ($$$$$$) because they feel each child DESERVES their own room. My SIL said that even if they are put into bankruptsy, which she acknowledges is a possibility, they have to do this so kids don't have to share rooms.


I want to comment on the words "DESERVES" and "bankruptcy" in your post. From the wording of your post, these words were spoken by your SIL? If so, I can see myself using the same words to describe the same situation. Not to describe reality but for hyperbole to emphasis my seriousness in seeking a solution of the soon-to-be blended family that would take into account the feelings of all the members including the ones who will only be part-time members. In discussions with all the children--we will be barely able to afford a house with separate rooms for all of you but only if we move away from all your friends, your other parent, your schools and cut out any extracurricular activities that you are now enjoying. Put like that, I can see the teens deciding on their own that sharing a room for those 4 days a month is doable.

On the other hand room sharing with that age gap is hard. When Joy and family moved in with us, Dylan wanted Alex to share his room. There is a 7 year age gap between them. It only lasted a short time before Dylan requested another sleeping arrangement. Here bedrooms aren't just used for sleeping. Dylan's Lego collection has to be played with in his room because of his much younger nephews and niece (now only the youngest nephew, age 1 on the 7th). He does his homework in his room when the rest of the house is to chaotic and noisy. Or he just wants to be alone which is happening more frequently as he becomes a teen. And his bedtime is different.

BTW what about your SIL's children? Won't they also be there part time? Even if the new house will be their primary residence?


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Umm deserve?? that is a weird word to use







It might be a nice thing something important for your family something even worth a level of financial strain to obtain it but "deserved" ummm well not really. Saying that I'll freely admit I'm very glad that baby #2 on its way now will eventually occupy room #3 and her older sister will remain in hers. While we of course would have figured out how to put two in one in our situation if we were still in our apartment I'm still glad that I wont have a 7+ year old who is now into tiny things sharing with a baby (much less when sehs gets to be a toddler). Both rooms lucily will be set up to allow for a "guest" so sisters can share if they like it just wont be a necessity. I'm thankful yes but I wouldn't personally put my family through extreme debt to make it happen.

Deanna


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Deserve is a strong word that brings up entitlement issues, but...add me to the list that feels kids deserve a space of their own and some privacy. Divorce is a really sad thing when you're a kid, and having somewhere to get away from everyone can really help.

My parents divorced when I was 9. I slept on his couch when I visited. He and his GF chainsmoked, when they woke up, obviously, I woke up. I hated it. I hated going there. I lovd my dad. He lived too far away for daytrips, but I just hated, hated, hated going to his apartment.

When my mom and I temporarily moved into her BF's apt, he made me a little bed on the landing of his stairwell. It had a trundle under for my stuff. Was slightly off the living room so I could sleep when I wanted. A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE--they thought about me and gave me a place. It didn't need to be a whole room.

From that perspective, I think it's great your SIL and her husband are trying to give their kids a home that they can also call their own. Not be wedged into a bunk bed in, let's face it, someone else's room. Not to be a guest. I applaud that. All of those kids have already been through a lot of change. It's very refreshing to have someone actually think of them! In most divorces, it seems like the kids are the afterthoughts.

As far as the bankruptcy thing--that sounds a little like a worst case and unlikely scenario. There are a lot of miles in between looking for a new house and going bankrupt. They might find a new house with one more bedroom that was big enough to divide, or a downstairs room that would work better than their current space. It's not necessary that they move into a mansion--but that's your SIL/BIL's decision and they know their finances lots better than I do!


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