# What should I say/do? Lost twins



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

My cousin and very good friend lost her identical twins this afternoon. They were Mo Mo twins. They shared the same placenta, and the same sacs and very risky to deliver. There had been complications, and she was on bedrest. Within minutes things spiraled downward and although they tried, the docs could not save the girls. They were 26 weeks gestation. I am at a loss for words and numb myself. I have called her and talked briefly, but I think she is still very groggy from the drugs and not "with it" yet. What should I do or say? I just feel sick from this and myself have very young babies so I could not imagine losing them. I just don't know what I should say besides "I am sorry" and "I love you"


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Does she live near you? She may be (probably is) very depressed and it may help her a lot to do daily chores for her.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Yeah she does. She owns and operates a pastry shop and I was thinking of posting a sign that says something along the lines of "Due to family emergency shop closed until further notice" I was more concerned about her house and all the baby items. Should I suggest to her packing them away or letting her do that on her own? The father of the children is not in the picture and her mom lives in England so I am her nearest relative. I will be going up to the hospital tonight when I my husband gets home so he can watch the kids. I might bring some of her favorite things from home and something for her to eat. I just needed some ideas and support myself...this is such a shocker and loss. She has not answered her cell all afternoon and that concerns me quite a bit. I just hope she is ok.


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## adoremybabe (Jun 8, 2006)

I am so sorry that you and especially your cousin has to go through this. What has she been doing with her shop since she has been on bed rest? If it can't operate without her then yes, it might be a good idea to shut it down for a bit. If there are people there to help keep it open then it might be good just to keep it open. It sounds like this is her lively hood.

About the baby things. She really needs to be the one to decide when everything gets put away. Realistically, it could be a year or so. When something like this happens and you see all of the material items that would have been used, having to put them away is major closure. Some people do not want that closure. You could always ask her.... not today... if there is anything at home that she needs you to tend to.

You have my prayers.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

for me, i liked receiving meals, as i wasn't up to cooking for a couple of weeks. some people just dropped off meals with a note. practical things are very helpful. but it is also great to just sit with her and hold her hand when she cries or rages. there is an informative thread here, on what to do and not to do when someone miscarries. it would be helpful to take a look at.

oh. i didn't answer my phone for days. i was in such shock. but i so appreciated any calls and messages. they got me through.

take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I agree with the above. Somebody to help her take care of her house and herself will be a huge help. Depending on how she handles the grief, she may need to be reminded to eat - I sure did. For right now, I'm sorry and I love you may be enough. When she's ready to talk, be there to listen and be ready for all the emotions under the sun. Are they going to let her go home soon or does she need to be hospitalized for awhile longer? If she goes home the healing may be a little better. And she does need to be the one to decide about the baby things.

It's a long, tough road emotionally and physically. All you can really do is be there for her.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Yeah, don't do the baby things. She needs to do that. I think I waited a few months before I packed away my daughter's things. It's a pretty difficult thing to do but she might want to do it herself. Unless of course, she asks you to.

Point her our way if you feel comfortable with that conversation and if she does internet stuff. I found the most helpful thing by far was talking to others who had been through the same experience.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Thanks mamas. I visited with her last night. She had "together" better than I would have I know. She actually asked me to bring some of the baby items with me to the hospital when I visit later on today. She is going home tomorrow. She is keeping the pastry shop open because two girls who work there can run the place fine. I cleaned her house yesterday and put some fresh food in the fridge for her...things I know she likes. Her dog is with me (he is Great Dane! My girls think we adopted a horse!) I just sat up and cried last night. I felt so guilty because before I got the call from her I just got done being quite distressed at my two young babies because they woke up from their nap too early and I didn't get any "me" time. God, how selfish am I? Here I am freaked out because I have two girls who need me, and my best friend just lost hers. That put things into perspective for me. Thank you all for your support. I have already suggested she talk with some of you online and she said once she gets settled at home she will. She did ask me what she should do as far as burial arrangements go and I was at a loss for words. I told her to think it over and whatever decision she made I would support. I think she just doesn't want to think about it right now, so maybe today will be better for her. I hope so. Thanks again mamas. I will keep you all updated...


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

When I went to the hospital yesterday we sat on the bed together crying and talking about everything. I told her eventually, in time, she WOULD be better, it will just take time. She said she wanted to get rid of all the baby items and donate them. I asked "What about if and when you decide to get pregnant again?" She burst into tears and said "I am sorry I am just now telling you this, but I bled so bad during everything they did an emergency hysterectomy." I almost fell off the bed! So, her only time she was ever pregnant ended everything. She is coming home today and she already made an appt. with a grief counselor near us. Mamas, what are earth is going to happen? I am so worried about her. My heart just breaks. I too have had to have a hysterectomy due to placenta accreta and I was planning on a third baby, but at least I have my two babies, she has none. We are all just sick. She doesn't want anyone else to know about the hysterectomy yet and I am staying mum about it, but I am just so worried about her. Why do these things happen to such good, caring people? Why? Why? Damn it!!!


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Oh, no! This is so, so awful. I'm crying for her at my desk...
Just be with her - and be ready to listen whenever she wants to talk, in a week, a month a year.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I don't have any advice for you. You will just have to be with her and not abandon her (I only say that because so many 'friends' will jump ship when the going gets rough). I don't know why horrible things happen in the world, it doesn't make sense. I feel so bad for her.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

No way would I abandon her. We grew up the only girls in the family and we are close. I guess that is why this is so hard for me. She is home and staying with me and my family right now. I have mentioned this site to her so maybe she will look into it...


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## bullfrog (Feb 19, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your friend. It's so good you are there to be with her. There is nothing to make it better - but if you weren't there for her it would be worse.
Help her with funeral arrangements - it sounds like that's what she needs right now.
Blessings to you both.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

This just makes me so sad.







She really needs someone to be a friend to her and I am glad you are there. She's going to be grieving a long time.

After the loss of my dd I wasn't up for anyone reassuring me about future babies, but maybe this will reassure _you_. You sound like you could use some hugs too. My husband works with a woman who had an emergency c-section and hysterectomy and baby died. She has since gone on to adopt 4 children. All were adopted as babies. I'm not suggesting you tell her this, she won't want to hear because she's grieving for her twins right now. But maybe far into the future she'll be ready for some positive stories.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

I am in tears reading this.

No advice, just







for you and your cousin. Thank God she has someone like you to be near her and support her right now.

Praying for strength, peace, and healing for you both.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Well she is home from the hospital and had her first counseling session. She does not want to go back. She said she is not ready to talk about it. I just held her hand and agreed. She wanted me to get the film developed from the pictures of her girls. She doesn't want to look at them, but wanted me to. (I had not seen them before) which at first made me very uncomfortable for some strange reason but when I looked at those little sleeping angels I just cried and knew they were ok. They were so tiny and perfect. I am doing the funeral arrangements and this is very, very hard for me to do, but she needs this. I try not to ask her too many questions because she just keeps saying, "Whatever you think will be ok." She is having them buried next to her mom and dad. She named the Ella and Emmie. I hope this is not too much of a downer for anyone, I just need someone to talk to. My DH has been great, but this stuff really bothers him. I just want my cousin to get better, and I know she will. I just hope she sticks with her promise to get professional help, because I know she will need it. Thanks again mamas for your help. If I have any more questions I will ask you all since you all have been great. This is such a wonderful place to have to talk with people who unfortunately have been there. Thanks again. You all have been terrific.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I know this is so hard on you. I didn't want to talk to anyone either for at least 6 weeks. I mean everyone -- my family, friends, colleagues. In the end I didn't go to a counselor because I feel like I'm working through my grief. But, I didn't have a hysterectomy. I think that is a particular difficult blow. She will never get to have babies of her own (physically delivered by her)

You might check and see if the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization has a photographer in your neighborhood. I'm pretty sure they will do pictures of babies at 26 weeks gestation. They are a free service for those of us who have babies born still. Google the name and their website will come up. If you can get someone to come before the funeral and take pictures of the girls, I know she will treasure those professional photographs for the rest of her life.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Thank you ! I will definitely be looking into those photos. The hospital took the ones I have developed, but that would be something very special for her. I just feel this cloud hanging over the house today...I can only imagine what she is going through. She said she doesn't want to eat anything for two reasons 1: she doesn't have an appetite and 2: she wants out of her maternity clothes asap. I don't think this is safe, but I can imagine her pain. Maybe I could offer to get her some clothes that are not maternity but she can fit into in the meantime? Would that be appropriate? I hate to ask her ANYTHING, even if she wants a drink of water, for fear of pushing her off the deep end. I love her to death, and worried. The funeral is in a couple days. I hope I can hold everything and everyone together in the meantime. I have developed a whole new perspective and whole new respect for mamas and families going through this. How brave people are asked to be in these situations amazes me.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I didn't eat for a week or two. The body makes do. There's some extra fat on there from pregnancy. I can relate to her because I did not where maternity clothes after Norah died, no matter what. I wore sweatpants or yoga pants, anything but maternity. It is just a difficult reminder of what you lost. I can also relate about her body. Even now I'm distraught because I still have a pregnancy belly. I don't particularly care about how it looks, I care that it is a constant reminder of what I lost. If she doesn't have any "larger" clothes than maybe she would like to wear non-maternity clothes that are someone else's in the meantime.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I wanted to suggest some other things:

Let her take the time to put away the baby things or give them away unless she tells you otherwise.

A lock of hair from both the girls is a nice keepsake for later.

NILMDTS pictures that I already told you about. Pictures of her with the girls, if she can handle it. I treasure the pictures I have of me with my baby.

Casts of hands and/or footprints.

In a few weeks she will start having appointments, call ahead and tell the dentist, hairdresser, etc... what happened and ask them not to mention it unless she brings it up. Telling people your babies died is awful.

I know other ladies on the board with still births and I know they would add to this. Maybe you could make another thread like 'Suggestions for Still born'. Your thread and its content is kind of hidden by the title. I didn't click on it for awhile because it is hard to read about losses.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Oh thanks so much. I am very, very sorry for your loss as well. I will do those things. I have contacted a few people we know and told them about it. This whole thing is such a kick in the stomach for everyone. I wish it were easier. I just question why do these happen? I know we will never know. I appreciate all your suggestions, they are great. I would have never thought about some of them, then again, I am not thinking clearly myself. I have my daughter's second birthday party to plan on top of this and I am feeling guilty for planning it. I feel like I should not be celebrating anything, but I know she would want me to.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I know it is difficult but your 2 year old doesn't realize what is happening. At 2 years old, she wouldn't notice if she didn't have a birthday party. They are fairly clueless, however, your oldest girl would know. I say if you don't want to plan a party, then don't. Go do something as a family for her birthday instead. Amidst all the suffering, life continues onward, its a cruel truth. We all ask "why?" it is the question that permeates our soul. If you could answer that question, I know a ton of ladies that would be grateful.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

We will celebrate, it will just be low key as planned. I contacted NILMDTS and they are going to do photos. My cousin has visited their website and is very positive about the experience, which I am glad. Thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate it very much.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm glad the photographer is going to come take pictures. You are very strong for doing this for your friend.


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