# waiting to miscarry



## leftcoastmama (Apr 22, 2005)

Had a consultation with a birth care provider on Saturday. On our way out the door we decided to have a what the heck sonogram, to see the baby, confirm my dates and maybe show the kids their little baby sibling, because they were all so excited at have another baby in the family and I thought it would be a happy event for all of us. What an awful shock we had. I was supposed to be 12 weeks along, but our baby only measured 10 weeks, and there was no movement or heartbeat. My baby died. I have a missed miscarriage.

The waiting is awful. I still feel pregnant, although slightly less so with each passing day. I threw all my maternity clothes out the front door two days ago in a fit of grief and anger over the loss of what was going to be my last, last baby. We'd been calling her "Our Little Caboose" because she was going to be the tail to our family train, only we lost our little caboose and now... it was such an adjustment, coming to terms with this pregnancy. We hadn't planned any more kids. I had finally gotten close to having my pre-pregnant body and routine back, with all our kids in school. Getting pregnant was the last thing either my dh or I wanted, and then suddenly it happened. We'd finally gotten comfortable with the idea, excited even. We finally had told the kids, our friends, our families, total strangers even, and now? Now what are we supposed to do? Now our family feels like it will be incomplete without our unexpected addition. She's still inside me and I miss her already.

I don't know how I know she was going to be a girl, I just do. I'm so sad. I want the world to just stop and let me get through this.

I just sat crying in shock for the first two days. The third waiting day I cried off and on all morning, pulled myself together in the afternoon, managed to walk past the infant room to get my youngest from school, then ran out the door and burst into tears again. Today is the fourth waiting day. I took the day off of work because I'm still so fragile, but managed somehow to go grocery shopping. Small milestones. I didn't start crying when I walked past the infant room today. Really small milestones.

I'm wishing now that I'd had the presence of mind to ask the doctor for a picture of our baby when we got the news. I feel like once she's gone I won't have anything to remind me she even existed, so tiny, so precious, so loved.

Thanks for reading, everybody.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, Mama - I'm so very sorry.








My little lost boy was also going to be our "caboose."
Yes, the world *should* stop.








I remember feeling that way, too.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

I'm so sorry, momma.


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

Oh, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you :







s.

I just went through a pretty similar experience myself and it stinks!


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

So very sorry.


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry







.

I had a missed miscarriage. 13wks, baby measured 7. Gone.

I know the grief and rage. I am so, so sorry.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I could have written your post 5 months ago. I am so very sorry for your loss.








It is so hard. Please be gentle with yourself. It does get easier with time. Take care.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

I'm sorry mama. It is so unfair.


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## Sarah_Lee (May 15, 2009)

my heart breaks for you, I am so sorry sweet mama


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

i'm sorry for your loss. i wonder if you called the doctor's office now, if they could still retrieve a picture from the ultrasound? (assuming they keep it in their records for awhile?) and send it to you. possibly?


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

i've been there too. i have no words, i am just so sorry that you lost your little one.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)




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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and healing soon. I had a missed miscarriage almost 2 years ago. The waiting is so hard. Be kind to yourself.


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## amberchap (Jan 14, 2007)

I'm so very sorry. I am going through something very similar right now and it is so hard. If you want to talk to someone just pm me your number though I can understand if you don't want to also. Be gentle to yourself.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

mama I am so sorry you're losing your little caboose...







I hope you'll find healing soon...


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I'm sorry mama.


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## leftcoastmama (Apr 22, 2005)

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort.

I am not doing well today. I thought I had pulled it together enough to go back to work, but while I was there a woman came in with her perfect, beautiful 5 month old, I saw them and just froze, then got out a little squeak, fled the kitchen and had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry and cry. I waited until I thought they were gone, but when I came out again they were still there. I hugged my SIL (i work at her restaurant) grabbed my purse and ran out the door crying. I cried the whole drive home. I screamed. I screamed a lot. I don't know how I managed to get all the way home without causing an accident, but I did. I have been crying off and on ever since. I know you all know already how horrible this is, and I'm deeply sorry that anyone else has ever had to go through this level of anguish or worse.

It has been a really bad day.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am so sorry mama...please, don't make yourself do thing just because you think you should be able to do them. Sometimes, you have to be much more tender with yourself than you might expect.

*HUGE hugs* - this is one of the very hard things in life to go through, but you will survive it and find joy again.

XXXXX


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Your little caboose...







:

Our Simon Alexander was to be our little caboose. Reading your words, I could hear my own feelings which are still so acutely painful after four weeks of tears. HUGS to you from another mama.

It is soooo hard to feel so jerked around by life. You think you are done with that sweet part of your life...your babies are growing up...you start finding yourself again...finding your pre-mama body emergeing again...finding time you haven't had in years. Then...you find yourself carrying a baby. A surprise baby. Someone you didn't know you wanted until they were there.
And now...that little one is gone, and your entire world has shifted to make room for them, and the hole is HUGE and nothing can ever feel the same without them. My boys were sooo excited to meet their little brother...and as my 8 year old said at the dinner table yesterday..."I was in the video store with dad today and saw a little baby and I just realised how HUGE the loss was that our baby died all over again..." and he sobbed for a long time.

I've been spending a lot of time walking in the woods near my house. A place where if I scream and scream no one knows but the deer. I hear your screams....and I think it SUCKS right along with you! as everyone keeps telling me...be gentle with yourself. You can't expect that you can just go back to your life as if nothing happened. I am so very sorry...







:


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I can find no other words except that I am so very sorry for your loss - your little caboose (I love the name by the way!) will be terribly missed - and though Im not sure what your faith or beliefs are - I like to think that all the babies I see listed on here are up in Heaven with my little guy and I like to think he has buddies....
Im sorry, Mama


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so sorry! There is nothing about waiting to miscarry that doesn't stink.

Someone has already suggested calling the doctor's office and asking for the u/s film, and I am going to wholeheartedly second that. They should be keeping this as part of your medical records, and most doctor's offices will be very kind about providing you with copies.


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## NishaG (Mar 5, 2007)

I am going through this right now, also. Last week, I should have been 8 weeks. Yet, at the ultrasound, there was an irregularly shaped sac, but no baby. Just 2 weeks before, there was a baby and a heartbeat. I was so devastated. We tried so hard for this baby, and now, I don't even know if I want to try again, with all this uncertainty. The first 12 weeks are agony.

So, here I am, waiting to miscarry. If I don't by the 28th, they'll either give me some meds to start the process, or I'll have a D&C. Fun times.

Sorry to hijack. HUGS


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## GMum (Apr 25, 2008)

Oh mama, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take gentle care of yourself.







.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## leftcoastmama (Apr 22, 2005)

I feel slightly more stable today. I am still wrestling with wanting a second opinion, even though I know it's futile. My baby had a void in her chest and no heartbeat, so I don't know what I would be hoping for in having another ultrasound. Just to have the smidge of doubt erased from my mind, maybe. Even 1% doubt is hard to overcome and I feel like if my baby is really dead then I need to get this overwith, but I am having a hard time moving forward or being proactive due to that tiny, sabatoging iota of hope. I know that I can't wait another three weeks, or even one, for this to be done. I need to miscarry already. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do that sitting here in limbo. I have a family who needs me. My dh is holding everything together at home and my SIL is holding everything together at work, but neither of them can do that indefinitely. I am needed. I can only keep this holding pattern for so long before I have to rejoin my life somehow, and I feel like I cannot rejoin my life with a dead fetus holding my heart and body hostage.

I called the care provider we saw and left a message asking him to call me back asap. I want to ask about getting a picture of my baby and about the drug he mentioned as an option to waiting or d&c. I am scared to move forward but I am too drained to stay where I am-- emotionally or physically-- much longer. Yesterday was agony. Today brings some relief, but in the form of numbness and disassociation, which I know is not healthy for me.

Mamas, thank you all so much for your kindness. For everyone who is also going through this or has recently, my love and comfort for you. It is so hard, and words do not convey just how difficult it is, do they? I am sorry that we share a sisterhood of loss, but I am thankful not to feel quite so alone in my sorrow.


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

i really liked your knickname for the baby. i'm very sorry for your loss.


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## leftcoastmama (Apr 22, 2005)

I am so anxious today. The waiting is draining my spirit to a degree that I cannot explain, I feel emotionally stunted at a time when I need to be grieving and trying to move on, and I can't take it. Well I can, of course I can, but I don't want to and I feel like I shouldn't have to. I called the dr. yesterday but he hasn't called me back and I don't have it in me to try him again, it took so much pulling myself together to call the first time. My youngest's birthday is in two weeks, I realised today, and I have to plan a party for him, but how am I going to do that? How am I going to throw my kid a happy, light spirited party when I feel like I'm being crushed to death by the weight of this? I have no timetable to go by irt when I might be able to start moving on. I can't move on and wait to be hit by a miscarraige at the same time. I have to go back to wrk next week and I don't know how I am supposed to do that either. I can't leave my SIL in the lurch, it's just her and I at the restaurant and she's been working by herself all week, 12+ hours a day. She needs me. My kids need me. My dh needs me. We're totally broke and we need my piddley income in order to buy food. My eldest graduates high school in three weeks, I have to be able to be happy for him, to celebrate his acheivement, and I just feel numb right now, in stasis, in limbo. I want medical management. I can't get ahold of my doctor. I am so anxious today.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, momma.







Can someone else plan the birthday party? Or just buy a cake and have a quiet family birthday? This is not the time for you to be stepping up and getting yourself together. This is a time for you to take it slow and be gentle with yourself. Call in your favors and ask for help.


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

Is there another doctor that you can see? I'd call and schedule another u/s to ease your mind and then take it from there.


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## leftcoastmama (Apr 22, 2005)

I made the decision to do medical management. I lost the baby yesterday morning, early. My dh went out and got a tree for us to plant in a container to we could take it with us, because we rent and didn't want to leave it behind when we move someday. Now I am waiting for the cramping to let up, but physically and emotionally am doing better. Sadness still comes but the anxiety is gone, which is a relief. I am very crampy today, but hope that will wane soon.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

mama. Thinking of you.


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