# Announcing pregnancy to close friend who has had a stillbirth



## eaustin (Jan 20, 2009)

Hello,

I am hoping to find advice on how to tell my dear friends I am pregnant. Their baby daughter died last year during labor and they are still in the midst of deep grieving. I am now 12 weeks and am ready to tell everyone the news. I think they would appreciate me being upfront about it, and although it may pain them, I think they will also share our joy. Another reason for my very nervous apprehension is my due date is the day after the anniversary of their very tragic day. Please let me know if you have any tips on how to announce in a way that minimizes their suffering.
thank you~


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

hmm tricky situation. I KNOW that they would want to hear it from you, and not through the grapevine.. but the news is likely to be difficult for them, esp. considering the dates. Hopefully someone else on here can jump in and give you loads of great advice. I'm a pretty straighforward person.. I'd just want them to telll me, I'd congratulate them and hug them, and be genuinely happy... and then probably keep the negative worries that I have about birth and babies to myself as much as possible. They still deserve their (or YOU in this case) innocent pregnancy, right? Best of luck to you, and thank you for thinking of your friends feelings. It's a tough place.


----------



## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i would just tell them. i lost my daughter a month ago, and three people have announced their pregnancies to me in that time. i am happy for every one of them, and personally, their good news doesn't make my bad news worse, if that makes sense. i am sad because my baby is gone. i am so very happy for them because they all wanted babies, and their babies will be born healthy.

i would just ask how they are doing first. talk about what they are going through. and then just say nicely, 'well, i have some news to share with you. i am pregnant.' i wouldn't give them a specific date, just say the month. or say around "insert their baby's name" due date. saying their child's name is important. it is a day they know, and by acknowledging you know it, you are also remembering their baby. as a mom who has gone through a stillbirth loss, it just means so much to me when people remembered her due date, and her name and her birthday.

personally, i think most people who feel resentful at hearing about other people's pregnancies and good news are more resentful because the pregnant person forgot what they just went through, and wasn't gentle. it sounds like you are conscious of that.

anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!







:


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, the thing is, they are probably going to feel pain no matter what - but that's not your fault.

Tell them, in private, kindly and along with everyone else, so that they don't feel left out. For me, I think the earlier I know someone is pregnant, the more time I have to get used to the idea and feel comfortable living with it. The other day I found out a girl I work with is pregnant, and that first day of working with her one on one was very hard. But now, here I am, mama'ing her with remedies for morning sickness, and talking about how much she'll love the 2nd and 3rd trimesters









So, much better to tell now than later. There's nothing worse than being shocked by a clear bump, you know - that's a bit "oh my God". Also you don't ever know - she may be in the middle of trying for another child herself, or even in the very early stages of pregnancy, or whatnot. She may take it better or worse than you imagine - it's hard to tell. But do tell her earlier.

Good luck with your pregnancy - may everything be absolutely wonderful! *HUGE hugs* XXXXX


----------



## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

This happened to me a few months ago. My friend told me over email, explaining that she didn't want to put me on the spot with a phone call, not knowing how I would feel about her pregnancy. But she also didn't want me to hear it through the grapevine. She is due the same month I lost Baker and is having a boy, which she acknowledged could be difficult for me. I agree with op that being upfront is best. When you tell her, don't go over the top by gushing about your pg symptoms, how excited you are, etc. It's better to keep the focus on her.


----------



## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

i agree with everyone... just tell them. and you can be honest and say that your baby is due around the anniversary of their loss and that you know that it might be hard and awkward for all of you but that pregnant or not, you are still there for them. and your friend's might need some distance from you and just go with it... don't take anything personally. if they never ask you about the pregnancy, etc. also, i would follow their lead on what is ok to talk about w/ your pregnancy. if they ask you about it, talk about it, but just be extra sensitive about talking about your excitement and hopes and dreams. in time, they will be excited for you and will most certainly love your child, but it will be hard. congratulations on your pregnancy, i hope it's smooth and joyful!!


----------



## eaustin (Jan 20, 2009)

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it!! Great advice I will definitely use!
Dalene,
How did you feel about the email you received from your friend? I was thinking about telling them this way as it will be heavy news to bear and having a moment to think about it without needing to respond to me right away may help. But I don't want it to seem tacky either...

I will tell my friend about this group--from your replies, I know it must be full of very compassionate and supportive people going through very hard and painful journeys. My heart goes out to all of you and hope you find peace.


----------



## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

if it were me hearing the news i would be happy for you but still struggle with it so i'd prefer an email. that would give me time to handle it without worrying about immediately putting on a happy face. an acknowledgement that they're hurting and missing their baby would also be nice to include.


----------



## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I think I would say that if you choose to tell them face to face then make sure you take some tissues along! ... and if your friend does cry then please don't take it personally. It's only fourteen weeks since I lost my daughter and hearing about other people's pregnancies is very hard right now. That isn't to say I'm not pleased for them and wish them abundant joy with their pregnancies and newborns but it reawakens my own sense of loss for a while.

You are obviously a sensitive and thoughtful friend so I'm sure that whatever your instincts tell you do, it's probably right


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'd probably be one of those who'd prefer to be told over email.. so I could take it in without feeling bad by no reacting in an appropriate way?


----------



## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eaustin* 
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it!! Great advice I will definitely use!
Dalene,
How did you feel about the email you received from your friend? I was thinking about telling them this way as it will be heavy news to bear and having a moment to think about it without needing to respond to me right away may help. But I don't want it to seem tacky either...

I will tell my friend about this group--from your replies, I know it must be full of very compassionate and supportive people going through very hard and painful journeys. My heart goes out to all of you and hope you find peace.

I appreciated hearing the news via email b/c it gave me time to process my emotions and didn't put me on the spot. If she had told me in person, I probably would have congratulated her and then run into the nearest bathroom to cry. It's such a loaded thing..my main emotion was total jealousy, knowing that odds are her baby will be born safely. But I was also scared for her and her baby, now that I know all the things that can go horribly wrong. And I was TTC at the time, so that added another dimension.


----------



## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

I also say try to tell them first (or close to it, obviously family, etc may come before) but if they are in a certain rig\ng of friends they should be told before others in that group. Either via e-mail (very carefully written) or face to face in a semi-private place. You are a great friend to even come here to ask and worry about their feelings


----------

