# My baby went to heaven yesterday(almost 16 weeks)-warning sensitive and maybe TMI



## yummymummy2hannah (Aug 23, 2006)

I was trying so hard to only think positively about my pregnancy although I knew it was possible at any time for my placenta to give way and for my baby to loose the battle(I had SCH since 7 weeks then diagnosed with partial placenta abruption). He was so strong. On Saturday around 11am or 12am I started feeling soreness in my uterus and some pain then came the bleeding. I figured it was another one of my hemorrhage episodes. I was already on modified bedrest, but I went straight to bed and laid there all day. I couldn't move due to the pain. Around 11pm that night the pain was so bad that my husband had to help me walk. I couldn't even wipe when I had to use the restroom due to the pain of the pressure when I moved my arms. We called my OB hospital and they told me to come in. They did an ultrasound and Nathaniel Jack was moving around kicking and waving and turning his head to us. The doctor told me that the condition I have hurts and I should expect it to hurt and for us to go home for more bedrest and to go to the doctor again on Tuesday to be checked again. She never checked my cervix and didn't listen to me telling her the pain felt like it was every 5 minutes apart like contractions. The baby was fine, so I was sent home. They gave me 2 pills for the pain and we got home around 3:30am. I laid in bed not sleeping and it got so unbearable I wanted to scream around 6am. I cried as I moved to go to the bathroom. I will spare all the details here, but I pushed one painful push (thinking it was a large blood clot) and there was Nathaniel Jack. I didn't want to believe it was true, but it was. He was still attached by his cord. I called the hospital back and they said to call 911 because I could loose way too much blood. My husband called 911 and they were there in less than 2 minutes. They cut his cord and took me with the sirens blaring to the hospital. They helped me deliver the placenta and gave me pain meds. I stayed there until I was not bleeding so heavily. They did another ultrasound and I can't tell you how painful it was to see an empty dark uterus on the ultrasound. I also can't describe the pain of seeing the funeral home take him off in a baby carrier for his final arrangements. I'm going through emotions that I can't describe. I will be okay one minute then hysterical the next. I never could take a long look at him or hold him. I feel so guilty for that. I don't know if I can handle that. I feel guilty that I feel that way. I feel guilty that I didn't have the desire to hold him. I love him, but I don't want to remember him like this and I'm so scared of what all I might see. The funeral home is cremating him for free and putting him in a fee urn. I'm still undecided on what to do with his ashes. Any advice would be appreciated. I could bury him with a head stone memorial by my family or bury him in our yard etc. I could even not bury him for awhile, I'm afraid that might make the grieving worse though.
I'm dealing with so much emotions right now. I morn for him and for the feeling of him in my belly. I don't want to even look in the mirror as my belly is so different looking now and feels squishy and soft. I also hope I can wear my normal clothing very soon so I don't have to wear my maternity clothing anymore. I pray no one sees my belly still and asks me when I'm due. I can't handle that. I also feel guilty that I feel physically better since his birth, I have more color to my skin and more energy. I think my placenta problem was bad for my health as well. I also feel bad that I can get up and do things now and aren't on bedrest any more. I want to just hide from the world for awhile and be alone, but I know thats not healthy.
Also, I have a question. My breasts feel different and I'm wondering if I should expect my milk to come in. I hope not.








Love,
Rebecca


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

I'm sorry too,Mama


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## dirtgirl (Oct 10, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss. Try to be patient with yourself. Grief can be a long process and it's only been one day. Your milk should dry up on it's own, but if you get engorged you can try icing your breasts (through clothing, never on bare skin). Some women also have luck with cold cabbage leaves against the breasts for reducing swelling. Researchers have yet to find out why, but some women experience instant relief with this.

I'm so sorry. Take care.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.







You were asking about Nathaniel's ashes, I chose to keep my dd's ashes for the time being. It seems to help me knowing she is so close. I keep her urn on my dresser next to her memory box and a few items that were made for her. There were days that I would just caress her urn (I know that sounds weird).

Hugs to you, no one should ever go through losing a baby.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

I'm sorry for you. I can relate to everything you describe. It's astonishing how many emotions we can feel at one time. One thing that helped me when my daughter Eve died was hearing that I was her only mother, I would always be her mother and that I had mothered her well. You have done the same for your sweet boy. In later times, those memories of him kicking and having fun inside you will probably bring you much happiness. You are his mother, he is your son.

Your milk very well might come in (maybe it already has). You can use cabbage leaves in a jog bra, replacing as often as needed. Also, taking parsley and sage will help dry up the milk more quickly. Those are the things that helped me most. Having milk and no babe was difficult. Be kind on yourself. Cry when you need to. Scream or yell when you need to. Pray all the time.

Love to you--


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## matey (Sep 15, 2006)

I am very sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs to you as you and your body recover.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

I'm so sorry, mama








Nathaniel Jack


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Mama, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dd almost 2 months ago, the first couple days, even weeks are just crazy. You go through so many types of emotions. I remember writing in my journal like a day or so after it happened looking back it was soo scrambled right now everything is a blur. Again I am so sorry *hugs*


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## leemarie1985 (May 13, 2008)

Igot to 21 weeks and lost my baby girl and excatly a week later i was in bed when my breast started to leak it only lasted for about a week.

Im so sorry for you and Im glad i got the time i had with Renee but I didnt want it to end


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I am so sorry.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## peachymomma (Jun 25, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so so very sorry









Quote:


Originally Posted by *yummymummy2hannah* 
I'm going through emotions that I can't describe. I will be okay one minute then hysterical the next. I never could take a long look at him or hold him. I feel so guilty for that. I don't know if I can handle that. I feel guilty that I feel that way. I feel guilty that I didn't have the desire to hold him. I love him, but I don't want to remember him like this and I'm so scared of what all I might see.

Grief is odd. It is OK to go through these emotions. I felt the same way...still do. Composed one minute then a basket case the next.
Please be gentle with yourself. The guilt you feel is normal, but you did what you needed to do to get yourself through it. The hospital usually takes pictures for you. You could call (or have someone else do it for you) and see if they have any, even if you don't want to look.

Quote:

The funeral home is cremating him for free and putting him in a fee urn. I'm still undecided on what to do with his ashes. Any advice would be appreciated. I could bury him with a head stone memorial by my family or bury him in our yard etc. I could even not bury him for awhile, I'm afraid that might make the grieving worse though.
I have my dd's ashes here at home in a little black box. I am undecided about what to put the ashes in, if anything at all. I am pretty sure though that I will keep her as close to me as possible until I leave this earth. At which time I will bring her with me. I will always see her as a baby that needs to be with her mama.

Quote:

Also, I have a question. My breasts feel different and I'm wondering if I should expect my milk to come in. I hope not.








Love,
Rebecca








Full engorgement isn't likely. You are hormonal and your brests along with the rest of your body is in recovery now. Rest and take care of yourself.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge hugs. lots of us know exactly what you are going through. I wouldn't expect your milk to come in 'fully' but it will come in. your body thinks you gave birth to a preemie so some preemie milk may come in. That was by FAR the hardest part for me....well it was (and is) all hard....

please know that you are not alone.


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## RedPony (May 24, 2005)

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry...







: I've been where you are as well. I lost my little girl about five months ago... I was nearly 26 weeks along. It's such a heartache, whenever it happens. Things do get better, but it takes a lot of time, and yes, you'll feel a ton of emotions and deal with a lot of craziness for awhile.

We had a memorial service for our DD and her ashes are in an urn with a the statue of a little girl on top. I don't have a place for the urn yet, so it's sort of tucked into our spare room. I was further along than you, and my milk did come in, but fortunately my DD1 was still nursing at the time.

I, too, wanted to hide away.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry about what you are going thru.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss...

I remember that when my body totally made the shift from pregnant to not pregnant about 4 days after giving birth, I felt much better physically. Luckily my milk didn't come in, I was 18 weeks pregnant when my son died.

I have my sons ashes in a tiny urn in my hutch in my dining room. I will keep them until we reach our forever home (a farm, we've been searching for, for several months) and then I will probably let his ashes go.

I know the raw pain you are feeling, please know that you can lean on us.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

im sorry for you pain.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

I am so sorry about your little Nathanial. I will keep you in my thoughts.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Rebecca, I am so sorry for your pain and loss.









Everything you feel is what you need to feel. There is no need to feel you need to feel a certain way or do certain things. You are in a painful place right now, give yourself lots of time and space and be gentle to yourself.

If you do get engorged, there is an article on www.glowinthewoods.com on the left sidebar that compiles all the information for stopping lactation. I hope you will not have to go through that.


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please don't beat yourself up ok? I know it is a part of grief but you have nothing to feel guilty about














I lost my baby but I was not as far along as you. I cant imagine the pain you must be feeling. I try to picture my lost angel (and I try to picture other mamas lost angels) running across a beautiful field with other children laughing and playing. It is the only way I can handle the loss.
















Nathanial


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Oh mama, I'm so heartbroken for you.









Much of what you've written echoes my story w/ SCH, preterm labor & loss on 3/22 (also a little boy- Owen). It's so very cruel to make it to the second trimester & really get to know your baby moving inside of you, only to have him taken away.







: I'm especially sorry about what happened at the hospital & that you didn't get to spend very much time w/ Nathaniel.









Having the SCH was hell on me, both emotionally & physically. I got extremely anemic & passed out a couple of times. I am doing much better now physically.

My emotional wounds are healing. I think of Owen all of the time, I don't cry every day anymore & that's a good thing. But some days still hurt like hell.

Please feel free to pm me anytime if you'd like to talk.

P.S. We scattered Owen's ashes at our favorite place to walk- a state park about 20 mins away. That felt like the right thing for us... I wasn't comfortable keeping his ashes in our house. If we didn't have such black thumbs & terrible soil, we may have planted a tree or bush for him & buried his ashes w/ that. But I couldn't stand the thought of the tree dying too.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your sweet little boy.
















Nathaniel Jack


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Mama. Try not to feel guilty for the choices you made around his birth. You had to face an unspeakably sad situation and made the best choices you could. I have regrets, too, but I try to take my own advice and not feel guilty about my choices.
As for grieving, do what you need to do to get by. Hiding from the world, not wanting to explain to people what happened, is what I wanted to do, too. Take the time you need away from the world for a while.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

hugs momma.....

My advice from a momma that has had a 20 week and a 17 week loss last year is to just try and ride the wave of emotions. Don't try and manage them, you just need to go through it all. HUGS momma...it's so hard, and I know it seems too awful to even believe that this has happened. I still feel like I'm in a dream/nightmare...waiting to wake up.

I have two black boxes. I haven't made any other permanant plans for my babies' ashes, and I don't have to right now. I can make that decsion whenever I want. I'm on NO timeclock to grieve or have whatever closure everyone else might think I may need. The only plans I have made is that I've told my dh and my parents that if I die myself that I want to be buried with my babies' ashes.

HUGS to you during this difficult time.







sweet Nathaniel


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)

So sorry for your loss, mama. Wishing you healing.


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## angela40 (Mar 25, 2008)

i can only tell you what i did. the crematory had a catalog of beautiful jewelry. i chose a silver mama dolphin with a baby dolphin. they put a little bit of his ashes in there. i also chose a beautiful copper heart with celtic engraving about 5#big for the rest of his ashes. the back is removable so if i decide to scatter them later i can. the pendant of dolphins opening is soldered shut so it is permanent.
i am so sorry i know how much it hurts (i lost my james daniel last march at 20 wks).


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss mama.


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## ZGMOM (May 29, 2008)

I am sorry for your loss too. I lost my son at 19 weeks about 3 weeks ago. I can relate to all the feelings that you're having. My milk did come in, but not heavy and felt dried up about a week later. I can relate to your guilt too. I was really nervous to look at him and hold him too. Luckily my husband wasn't so he took the lead. Now we have images that will always be ingrained in our minds so I don't think you did the wrong thing by not looking. I didn't answer the phone or leave the house for a couple weeks. I **** had friends calling saying, "just checking to see what your u/s said, boy or girl" having to explain it over and over is just brutal. I am just clinging to the fact that God loves me and everything He does is for a purpose, even though I don't get it or like it at the time. So sorry.


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## yummymummy2hannah (Aug 23, 2006)

Thank you all very much! You have all made me feel so not alone. I wish none of us had to be apart of this hurt, this emptiness. Thank you all for reaching out to me to share your story, hugs, prayers, and advice.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nathaniel.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Delaney'sMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm praying for you Rebecca. You & your family are on my heart each day. What you've gone through brings tears to my eyes. I'm so very sorry for this tragedy. Take as much time for yourself as you need, and let yourself feel whatever emotions may come.


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## ChinaDoll (Jul 27, 2003)

I'm so sorry


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