# I am so sad I feel like I cant go on...



## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I lost my son three weeks ago after having to pull him from life support due to brain damage caused by a prolapsed cord during delivery. Today I took out my maternity clothes from my closet and I am so very sad I can barely go on. I am so sad at times that I feel there is no way I can keep on living. I have a husband and a two year old son that need me ... I am not thinking about killing myself or anything but I am so absolutely devastated that I dont comprehend how my life can ever go on because I miss my baby so much.
My only consolation is to think that he is happy and healthy and waiting for me in heaven. My mom and dad also passed away a few years ago so I feel like they finally have a grandchild to enjoy which makes me feel good too...

Please tell me it gets better... I feel like I will stop breathing sometimes.. I miss Grant so much.


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

Oh Mama, I am so sorry this grief is so profoundly painful for you. I am sending you much love and peace. I think what you are feeling is normal and healthy too. Maybe this experience now will help you feel the healing effects one day day in your future.

Please take care sweet mama and know we support you. I can't imagine how awful your agony right now is, but I think it is very good that you are expressing it and letting yourself feel it









Lovw, ND


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

I'm sorry you're so sad. What a terrible thing.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I know just how you feel.
It is such a hard road you have come on. we are here for you.

keep breathing.


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## fenwickmama (Aug 30, 2004)

i'm so sorry mama.


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## oldermamato5 (Feb 4, 2005)

I will pray for you dear mama. Look heavenward. God is near.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord,and He shall sustain thee.
Psalm 55:22a







:


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

barcino,
i remember how you are feeling today. reading your post made me think back to the day i put all of my maternity clothes into a bag and into a closet. it was so horrible and sad. i almost couldn't believe i was experiencing it. the shock from coral dying so unexpectedly and unexplainedly lingered for a while. i'm not writing this to make it seem like it doesn't get 'better', but i wanted to let you know that it is 'normal' to feel so devastated and forlorn. what you are living through is just so remarkably difficult. but just as some mother's from this p&bl board told me in the weeks after i lost coral, taken from the perspective of seven months after my daughter died, it is different, and a little more tolerable to get through each day. it doesn't sting so much... it isn't so confusing, so jumbled. the moments of clarity when it seems as though you're not drowning in sadness come more often. i didn't want the time to go by because i was afraid of forgetting how much i loved coral. but that didn't happen. my love for her is amazing in its ability to actually grow and get stronger... i knew her for such a tiny amount of time, and i have only a few photos of her to look at, but i just love her so much, she will always be my first, beautiful, wonderful daughter. my love for her will always be with me, and that gets me through each day. i hope you will find this source of strength, if you havn't already... and i know that all of the words of encouragement and support sometimes don't help at all, because the sense of loss is greater than anything. please know that it is alright to feel all of these feelings, and it will get, well, less worse.








you and your family, and grant, are in my thoughts tonight.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Barcino -







I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Grant. I've been sitting here trying to think of the perfect thing to say, to make you feel better. But, I'm at a loss for words. Coarlsmom did an excellent job in the pp explaining EXACTLY how I felt/feel when my Benjamin passed away. It's aweful that any of us have to meet this way, but we are all here to support you. PM me if you ever need to talk.


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Barcino, I am so sorry about your dear baby. I am sending prayers and love your way. I do know from other people who have experienced it, and from other losses, that you do go on, and life won't always be so unbearable. But you have to go through the grieving, so let yourself.









Liz


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Barcino, how I remember that feeling like I can not even breathe anymore. Wow, was that really almost 5 months ago? I know where you are. I remember. You feel raw. You feel foggy. You feel vulnerable.

You will make it. You will continue to breathe. and as others have said, as time passes, the sting does lesson. The fog lifts.

You are not alone. Many mothers are in this sad sisterhood with you. Keep posting your thoughts here. We will help hold you up. Hugs & Love, Cristina


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Barcino, I am so sorry about precious Grant. I also remember those awful feelings in the beginning. I remember sighing all the time, feeling like I was forgetting to breathe. C.S. Lewis wrote about how grief can feel exactly like fear in his book "A Grief Observed." The anxiety, the constant fast heartbeat, all of it is normal . The feeling that you will never have fun again, all of it is normal, and one day a little bit at a time, you will start to feel better, but never the exact same as before. I feel different, but in some ways better because of knowing my son who died. The one thing that can help with this hard part is walking. Taking long walks, just moving, can help you breathe easier.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I too remember that horrible feeling of there being a weight on my chest and that I could barely breathe. But as the other mamas have said, with time, the pain does become less. I agree about getting out as much as you can. Go out in the sun when you can, take walks and breathe the outside air.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Barcino,

I too remember the feeling of absolute despair, and I grieve with you. Coralsmom expressed it beautifully. We spent so much money on eating out, because the thought of planning a meal or putting something together was just too much. Since you have a two year old, I will tell you that one of the things I did that helped me grieve is to focus on him--force myself to go on outings that he would enjoy, look for the day to day wonders in what he did. Those small moments of reprieve were very helpful. It was also helpful for me to help ds through the grieving process--he was a little older than yours, it was very hard on him. I found that having my screaming, foot stomping moments with him was helpful to him _and_ me. I can't tell you that it will get better exactly, but it will be different. After a while, it willl be less overwhelming, and you will get thorugh it. I found that that the journey wasn't steady--after a few okay days I would have really bad ones, so don't be surprised by that. I will also share with you that it is okay to be angry; although I knew that, having someone give me permission to be angry was such a relief. This board is a great place for support and for walking you through this.


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

Barcino,
I am so sorry that you feel so sad








I found that I was questioning when i would awake and it not be the first thing into my head,one day I realised that it hadn't been.does that make sense?Slowly but surely the fog will lessen,
I wish you well,
much love,


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Mama









My heart hurts for you, it really does.

No advice, just lots of love and warmth coming your way.

Go easy on yourself. Be gentle, and dont rush yourself through this time. With grieving, often times its one step forward, two steps back.


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

(((hugs)))

Words are just words...I wish they could do more to ease your grief. Yet you are healing, right now, today & tomorrow, you are slowly...ever so slowly healing as only you can.

Breathe in the love in your life..your DH, your 2YO....


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

I agree Coralsmom said it so well. I have good days and bad days, but as time goes on the bad days aren't as bad and don't last all day. For me I have found great strength in my 3 beautiful living children who need their mama.

You need to give yourself this time to grieve. Just know that as awful as this is, it will ease over time.

Thinking of you.

Patti


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh sweetie....







: I can't offer anything but hugs... We still haven't put away the maternity clothes and baby things...I just can't do it. I know I should, but I'm afraid to do it...

Know we are all here for you.







: I am so sorry about your dear sweet angel....


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

We lost our angel at birth 2 weeks ago and I am feeling very much the way you describe -- you are so not alone. I don't even have the strength to put the baby things away, there are so many reminders here. Like you, I believe that our angels are waiting for us and our Carrie is buried with her grandma. Just want you to know that there are many mamas here who are crying right along with you and trying to get through each day -- I do believe that we will make it, I just don't know how yet but I am sure that with the strength of each other it will be ok somehow. Here's another


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Sending you love and support. I am so sorry for your loss. Your precious baby is at peace now.







Please take good care of yourself during this very hard time.


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Barcino,
How I feel and cry for you. I lost my Angel Emily born still 3 months ago at 38 weeks gestation. Please let me tell you that they never leave your heart or soul but it does begin to get better very slowly day by day. I thought I had come a long way until yesterday when I just heard a sad song on the radio and I burst into tears. I realised then that I will always have my good days and my bad days just like Corals Mom said. You are very brave starting to pack away your baby things already. I haven't even wanted to. The nursery is still set up and I believe I will leave it like this until I am ready. Which maybe tomorrow or next year. I take it one day at a time. But just by reading your postings I realsie that I have come a long way and you will survive this even though it feels like you can't. People keep telling me I am so brave and strong. Yet I don't feel like I am. Please know that you will go on and each day you will get stronger knowing that your beautiful baby is helping and guiding you.
Em's Mummy








Emily Born still 26/07/05


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Thanks for all your responses... they help so much. It is hard to believe that there are so many of us going through this. A sisterhood that nobody should have to join - yet such a blessing to have in these days.

Packing the maternity clothes was so hard but I am glad I did it. It allowed me to have a good cry and a screaming fit and that was good for me. Also I feel better with an organized closet. Order helps me a lot. Another thing is I lost all my baby weight the day that I had him and now I am 5 lbs under prepregnancy weight which sounds great but it adds to my sorrow because it doesnt even look like I was pregnant and it makes me question sometimes if it really happened at all. I know it doesnt make sense but it makes me so sad. I put the maternity clothes away and I sorted the lended ones... and thought whether I will be brave enough someday to have another baby and when that will be... I do want to have another baby and I looked at the clothes that I bought for this pregnancy with Grant (I have a two year old) and there are some that I associate with Grant and I know they will bring me sadness and comfort at the same time if I get to wear them again. Anyway now I have room for my few non pregnant clothes... And I wont avoid my closet so much.

Anyway... this time since Grant was our second baby I had nothign set up and barely nothing ready to go when I went into labor... I did have a good amount of clothes that I had bought for him and presents but no nursery set up as he was going to be in our room for a long time. I moved the basinett to our guest bedroom because it was confusing waking up seeing that and not having my baby there... such pain. I cant imagine if we had set up his nursery... In a way I wish we had because now I feel guilty that I didnt do more things for him. I was so lazy I was barely nesting at all. I would just make lists of things I wanted to do but not accomplish much. I didnt think he would come until later since my first was 42 weeks but Grant came right at 40 weeks and two days.

Anyway... yesterday we picked up his ashes from the funeral home and that brought some comfort to me to have them home. I thought it woudl have been so hard to do but I am so glad that we have him, well his body at least. I know God has him in heaven.

As for me... I think I am going to try to get a project accomplished. My room is in need of redecorating (right now the walls have strips of different color tests) and I think DH and I are going to paint this week / weekend and hang some of the pictures I took of Grant (I am a photographer and took some wonderful black and white pictures that I will forever treasure the day we pulled him of life support - I might share some of them later) as well as some of my 2 yr old. I think I am going to pick up some bedding as well and try make a place for peace for us and so I feel like we can keep his ashes in a pretty place. I so need a peaceful place right now and to be surrounded by calm and beauty. I really also want a beautiful place to display his pictures and have a place to honor him that way. I think that working on our room will help us have a place to escape to and think/ journal about Grant.

Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out.

I really wish you all peace... tomorrow it will be a month since Grants birth and three weeks since he died... I find Fridays are a tough day for me so I am half dreading it...


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

Barcino -- I'm so very sorry for your loss.















It doesn't go away but it's gotten mostly bearable and I guess that's the option we get. Most days are OK and then there are the bad ones. but the days between the bad ones get farther apart.
Peace to you and your family


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Barcino,
I could've written alot of your post exactly as you did. We didn't have a room set up and the baby clothes were here but not washed and I had a huge list of things to buy but always had reassured myself that I had plenty of time to go...I too feel badly that things weren't more in place but also relieved that there weren't things everywhere. There are still many reminders here and I am slowly starting to put things away. I bought a memory box today for all of Carrie's things -- baby blankets, cards from friends, pictures, etc. -- I am hoping I get the strength this weekend to put them together a little bit. I have maternity clothes to return, baby items to give back, and my house needs to be reorganized -- I too thrive on organizing and order in my house and I feel out of balance when it's not but I am completely exhausted at the same time. I hope you were able to find some peace today.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Dear Mama....I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babe. It does get better....but only time can make it better.
Keep talking, keep sharing...you are wanted and needed here.

Hugs and love....


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barcino*
Please tell me it gets better... I feel like I will stop breathing sometimes.. I miss Grant so much.

It does get better, mama.







s

It sounds so cliche and I never believed anyone when they said, "Time heals," but it truly does. And you will be surprised how little time goes by and you start to feel a little less like you just want to die.

I am 2 months postpartum and I can tell a big difference in how I felt 2 months ago and how I feel now. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling better (if that makes any sense).


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