# What to do when your toddler hits you



## MommyDearest (Jul 13, 2006)

My daughter will be 2 on august 6th. Everyone has told me that she is going through her terrible twos already but does part of being 2 include anything about abusing the parent. She gets mad at me if I don't let her have what she wants or do whatever she wants and she hits me. Now i have popped her hand before but I don't believe in certain physical punishments to children. It is very embarassing to be out in public and to have your child smack you in the face in front of a crowd of people. I especially feel that i can't discipline her in front of others for fear of what people will think of me. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyDearest*
I especially feel that i can't discipline her in front of others for fear of what people will think of me. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!









The 'dreaded' what will they think of me problem!

I do the same thing at home that I do out. I don't care what other parents think. Either they haven't had a 2 year old, they've forgotten what a 2 year old is like, or they will understand! For HER benefit, you need to do out what you would do at home as well. Kids are really smart. It takes them about 30 seconds to realize "hey mom isn't doing anything - let's see what else I can test here?" They're not being manipulative, but they do like to know where they're at.

And personally, I try to parent at home as if I am in public -- it keeps some of my baser instincts at bay!

Here's what I do for hitting. First, I take the offending hand and say "gentle" and demonstrate "gentle" with her. 8 times out of 10, that's all I need to do. If she hits again, I'm usually ready for it, and I grab her hand before she makes contact and repeat "gentle" and demonstrate, and try then to distract her with something else. If she makes contact again, I will say "No, gentle. I play with kids who are gentle" and back off and remove my attention for a bit. The natural consequence of hurting someone is that they don't want to be with you.

I'll admit, it's harder to do this when you're out, but you can simply step away and sit down (while keeping an eye her) while at the park, or back up out of range and turn your attention to shopping if you're doing that.


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## CTMOMOF2 (Aug 7, 2003)

I'm also in need of this same advice.. and although the "gentle" thing sounds great on paper... it is not realistic when 2 year old says "i want a pop" and mom says "no, its almost time for dinner" 2 year old says "waaaa, i want pop" and wacks you one (or two).

What i've been doing, not that it always works, but sometimes does is.... I act completely shocked on my face and say, "Ouch! That hurts! Don't hurt me!!" Sometimes she'll wack me again, other times she'll hug me...


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## jencha (May 27, 2006)

Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.

I guess every child is different though... I'm a big fan of gentle parenting...


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

The only thing that seems to work with my son is for me to gently move his hands down to his sides. I tell him "Hands down, we don't hit, hitting hurts."

For us, hitting really *started* when I acted out of my own upbringing and 'popped' his hand for something. showed me, didn't he? I stopped, because really, what am I telling him by doing that for something he did and then a minute later I'm telling him we don't hit? I know better, I just had a frustrated mom moment.
that and being around another more aggressive child.

we talk about 'gentle' at other times, like petting animals, etc. but I think I need to give him more experience with it. It doesn't work at the time he's hitting though, the only way he seems to understand to stop is if I physically help him do it.
So far he only hits me and bites (really more 'nips') me. Well, he's done it to his dad too and grandma, but not other kids.

if someone could tell me what to do about this biting for teething/attention thing....


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## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

My DS kicks more than he hits. When he does it, I use a firm voice, look serious, and say, "No kicking mommy -- it hurts me." If he does it again (and he usually does) I say, "Thor, if you kick me again you're going to get down." (We're usually on the couch when this happens.) And if he kicks again I set him down and go do something else. This really seems to be working. He very much dislikes it when I leave, or avert my attention from him.

I agree with iemile -- hitting the child to teach them not to hit doesn't make sense.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CTMOMOF2*
I'm also in need of this same advice.. and although the "gentle" thing sounds great on paper... it is not realistic when 2 year old says "i want a pop" and mom says "no, its almost time for dinner" 2 year old says "waaaa, i want pop" and wacks you one (or two). .

Well, if that's a consistent pattern, then when you say "it's almost time for dinner" position yourself so you can grab her hand (or the leg) or get out of range.

If it's a random event, or you just aren't fast enough to prevent it (does happen), say "ouch, that hurts. Be gentle" and WALK AWAY and don't give it any more attention. The removing attention is key.

If that doesn't work for you, then I have plopped my kids in their room for a couple of minutes while I cool off -- again the separation is what's key. A 2 year old isn't old enough to learn from time out.

This isn't an instant cure. It takes time and endless repetition. And quick hands to prevent hitting. But it DOES work.


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencha*
Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.









: Oh my....


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Right around 2 my son started to hit me when he got mad at me for saying "no" to him. I almost always firmly grabbed his hand before he could make contact, and firmly said "Hitting is unacceptable behavior and is very unkind" or "You are not allowed to hit mommy or anybody else, it hurts" or something else along those lines. The "gentle" approach didn't work, as he already knew what "gentle" meant....I started with that. He was well aware of what hitting would result in from the standpoint if the person being hit...which was always me or my DH. It was a very short phase, like most other behavoirs with my son. We were very consistent with our reaction, and made him well aware of how much we disapproved of it. One day he appologized (after hiting me), unprovoked, and never did it again.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I tell my ds that "I don't like to be hit." The I *redirect in a way that honors the impulse* IE if he hits because he's frustrated, I tell him other ways to express his frustration. My ds likes to make a "mad face" but you could also try jumping, clapping hands, making a sign, roar like a lion, etc. If ds hits me because he's overexcited, I find other fun exciting ways for us to interact. I'll say "I don't like to be hit. If you want to play together, we can play pat-a-cake" (or whatever physical activity seems to fit at the moment)
If he wants me to read to him, sometimes he'll put the book right up in my face, and sometimes hits me with it. For that, I tell him "If you want me to read to you, you can put the book in my hand, and ask me to read it."

The *impulse* is legitimate. He's angry, he's frustrated, he wants something, etc. It's just the way its expressed that is unacceptable. So, it makes the most sense to teach acceptable ways to express those impulses. The impulse won't go away just because you say "don't hit" kwim?
And redirecting in a way that honors the impulse makes it easier for ds to stop hitting. It *helps* him to do the right (or socially acceptable) thing, and in the end that's what good discipline is.

Ita that hitting to teach a child to not hit makes less than no sense. And that time-outs don't teach a kid anything that you are wanting to teach.

If you want more specific answers, you could visit the Gentle Discipline forum


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama*
Are you serious? You do know where you are right?







:

Heh, I was going to say the same thing in response to the same two posts. I had to check to make sure I was at MDC and not Babycenter.

Anyhow, ds2 hits, unlike ds1, so this is new to me. I pretty much just grab his hand to stop the hit while saying "No hitting/please don't hit me/that hurts me," or pick him and say something along the lines of "I know you're angry/upset/frustrated, but you may not hit me. Do you want to [insert distraction here]." It's rare that he really goes all out after this, but if he does I gently set him down so he doesn't hurt himself and stand close by while he flings about.

I've actually never understood traditional discipline with a 2yo. Maybe mine are just more immature than other 2yos, but they are still babies, and would no sooner understand a "time out" now than when they were 1yo.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I try to be GD but when my 2 year old is ripping my eyes out by scratching me, while his teeth are sunk into my shoulder its hard not to say "no scratching" and put him in time out. So for those who do not use time outs what do you reccomend. They "no hitting please" stuff doesnt work here so you can skip right over that idea.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Also many of you are using a lot of words "Please no hitting, that hurts and is not ok, I know you are frustrated" wow thats a mouthful for a 2 year old dont ya think? Mine would have smacked me 4 more times in that sentence. We use small phases like "Hitting is not ok" "No hitting" "No bitting" instead of a long drawn out conversation.


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## Susuhound (Jul 5, 2006)

I keep it simple.i say *stop* and hold the offending hands down. As she gets more verbal I can explain more 'before' we get to that stage. IME there is usually a point at which I can see what is coming and I try my best to defuse it there. I think hitting 'gentle smacking' or whatever you call it teaches only that you may hit someone if they are smaller/more defenceless than yourself and I find that a dangerous lesson for a child (or anyone).
These days things are not so emotional around here - Sophie went through a 'time' around 18-22 months that was like this. I really dislike the term 'terrible twos' i don't see what it is meant to accomplish. 2 years old is such an exciting/wonderful/emotional/topsyturvy time for a child and her parents it seems a shame to reduce it to that. When I step back and think about what has happened with my day usually if things have turned out like this I can see how she was 'set up' and I try my best to see it from her point of view.
Also food for thought, a wise woman has told me 'happy is not the only acceptable emotion'. Our children should be allowed to display the whole range of emotions, and it is our job to allow them space for this. Of course we guide them to acceptable ways of expressing those emotions if they are being physically aggressive but if we accept from the beginning that angry does not equal naughty I think our responses change and we can find ways to direct instead of punish or discipline.


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## Monkeyfeet (Feb 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
Heh, I was going to say the same thing in response to the same two posts. I had to check to make sure I was at MDC and not Babycenter.


Uh yeah, I totally thought that I was on the wrong board.


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## Lazyhead (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers*
Also many of you are using a lot of words "Please no hitting, that hurts and is not ok, I know you are frustrated" wow thats a mouthful for a 2 year old dont ya think? Mine would have smacked me 4 more times in that sentence. We use small phases like "Hitting is not ok" "No hitting" "No bitting" instead of a long drawn out conversation.

I think it's helpful to provide a little backstory. "No hitting" is a command. Why shouldn't he hit you? I think that it's helpful to say "Don't hit me. I don't like to be hit. It hurts." If it continues you can move on to "If you are frustrated we can jump around or hit pillows or go outside and run and around and scream..."

I believe that GD is a long-term investment. It's working co-operatively and creatively with your child to resolve things and not just getting them to do (or not do) what you want them to do "beacause you said so".


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## lovemyfamily (Jul 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencha*
Time Outs really work well with Heaven!! If she hits I tell her no and carry her to her time out corner with no other words. If she kicks on the way I will tell her "no kicking". I put her on time out for two minutes since she is two years old, and when she comes out she MUST say sorry to whoever she hit. I do this in public as well.

I guess every child is different though... I'm a big fan of gentle parenting...










I have found this works for us too. THe other day we were at walmart and she was in the cart and he was walking, I turn my head to look at something and all of the sudden she is crying, he had bit her on her little finger (out!!) we were ready to check out by then and he normaly helps with puting the stuff on the checkout counter, but this time I told him that boys who bite so not get to do especial big boy stuff and I sat him down right there at the end of the register in "time out" he sat there quitely until we were ready to leave and he was much better after that. I think it is important to do what you would do at home becasue if you don't those two year old will walk all over you in public!!


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## Lazyhead (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers*
I try to be GD but when my 2 year old is ripping my eyes out by scratching me, while his teeth are sunk into my shoulder its hard not to say "no scratching" and put him in time out. So for those who do not use time outs what do you reccomend. They "no hitting please" stuff doesnt work here so you can skip right over that idea.

Maybe you should look at what is happening BEFORE this behavior starts. Is it transitioning from play to mealtime? Being told he cannot do something? Perhaps there are things you could do to try to avoid these outbursts?

I am pretty new to GD philosophy and haven't had any major outbursts or tantrums or anything like that from my 2.5 yo so maybe you ought to check out the Gentle Discipline forum. Some very wise women there.








good luck mama!


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## lovemyfamily (Jul 25, 2005)

oh, I jus read the rest of the posts, wouln't have posted if I knew, sorry!!


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

best advice I ever got was.....

Duck!

I think the best thing you can do is not make an issue of it. Do what you need to do to protect yourself or anyone else when the hitting starts. Obviously you want to try to stop it before it gets to that point, but if you could that all the time or if it was easy, you wouldn't be here asking for advice.









My approach is to say - I don't like to be hit. It scares me. I'm afraid you will do it harder or that you might really hurt me. And then offer alternatives, depending on the situation. Do you feel like hitting? Are you very angry now? Here is what you can hit. Here is what you can do to express your anger and frustration.

Sometimes it's more of a game and then I might institute some kind of pattycake - high five - hand slapping game where you really get a good noise going.

We don't use timeouts, but I will restrain her arms or hands gently to protect myself and I will remove her if she is hitting someone else. I try to use gentle words like - I won't let you hurt __ name or I won't let you hurt me or I will help you to stop.

I don't force apologies, but my experience is that once a child has calmed down they are really searching for something to do to make amends. (I'm dealing with a very verbal 3.5 yo now - so....). I will go to my child privately and say something like - that was really scary and I know you didn't mean to hurt name___. When you're ready you could go over to her and give her a hug and say you are sorry.

Sometimes she protests how it wasn't her fault and sometimes she does say sorry. It's important to me that I not make her feel worse than she already does. She knows (by now) that it's not good to be out of control, but she can't always be in control (me either!). So I want her to feel safe with me when she's regained control not further shamed. My daughter has already internalized the shame, she doesn't need me to make her feel worse.

When she protests or won't say sorry I think it's usually because she feels blamed. So we try to talk about what's going on. And this is where the long term investment comes in. I drop the issue of sorry at this point. But I think it's setting us up for real apologies in the future.

And as a word of warning for everyone reading this - our "threes" are way worse than our "twos" ever were. It's a very difficult time for me right now with a LOT of emotional drama.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers*
I try to be GD but when my 2 year old is ripping my eyes out by scratching me, while his teeth are sunk into my shoulder its hard not to say "no scratching" and put him in time out. So for those who do not use time outs what do you reccomend. They "no hitting please" stuff doesnt work here so you can skip right over that idea.

I say "Hey! Don't hit! I don't like to be hit." That's just my preference because its entirely true. I can't say "hitting hurts" because it doesn't always hurt when he hits, and that's not the reason that I don't like it. I just don't like to be hit. I don't like to have stuff thrown at me. ("hey" is kinda my attention getter for many things)
I have a very small tolerance of stuff like that. So, that's how I convey that he must stop hitting me. And I physically stop him from hitting. I am not going to "let" him hit me while I sit and talk to him. kwim?
After that, I would try to figure out what his reasons were for hitting, and redirect from there.
For biting, I might say "If you want to bite, you can bite one of your toys." (which in the moment might come out more like "Don't bite ME! Bite on one of your toys!" or if the biting is more out of frustration I might say "Hey hey hey! Don't bite!" Ideally, the next words would be some sort of redirection "Hey, show me a mad face" (letting him know that is an acceptable way of showing frustration)
But, in some situations, I know its not a "teaching" situation. It wasn't something he was doing intentionally, he just got carried away. He's not likely to do it again. In which case, my goal is to STOP it, and not cause confusion or a power struggle by saying "stop hitting" then "daring" him to continue (by sitting silently and waiting.) So I'd say the "don't hit" stuff, then maybe "You could give me five" or "we can play patacake" anything that gives him another outlet for that energy that he still has built up in him.
But for teaching, nothing beats information and redirection. It helps give THEM the ability to redirect their unacceptable actions. I've seen my ds do it already in various situations. He stops, shakes his head no, then finds an acceptable alternative. For example, hitting the dog with a stick- he'll stop, and move on to hit the couch. (not angry hitting, just hitting because its fun to play with sticks).
Yes, my ds can understand what I say. And if something isn't quite getting through, I find other ways to say it that he'll understand, or I say to him "give me a minute so I can figure out how to explain this better." and he does. He knows that I am trying to work with him to help him do the right thing. Which he wants to do, he just needs my help sometimes.

IF (and I don't recall this ever happening, unless I just said "don't hit" and didn't add a redirection) IF he still was hitting me, I'd probably move away. Not as a method of teaching, but as a way for me to cool off before I got too frustrated. But that is FAR from ideal. Or I'd pick him up and take him to another place in the house, so we can both start from a new place.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

...as for time out, we use it with Kai now that he is 3, and it works well for all of us. We try not to use it as a punishment, but rather a cool off time. When Kai is out of control, and totally unable to comply with the simple things like "it's time to pick up your toys" or "it's time to take a bath"... we put him in time out. There is no set time limit for his age, because that hasn't been effective. We put him on his bed, and he'll usually throw a fit. When the fit is over, "time out" starts. First, I talk with him and let him know why he's in "time out", and then I show him on the clock in his room when time out will be over (usually 5-10 minutes). I then tell him that he needs to reflect on his behavior, and how he can improve it....and that when he's done, he will be doing XYZ (taking a bath, picking up toys, etc.) He complies when time out is over...and we always talk about it afterward.

Once we had a "power struggle" of sorts. He (is 3 1/2 now) deliberately threw his flash cards (84 of them) all over the living room, and then proceeded to leave the room. I asked him if he was going to play with them, and he said "no". So I asked him to please pick up the cards if he wasn't going to play with them, and he said "NO, I don't WANT to" I responded that he is responsible for cleaning up that mess, and that if *I* had to clean them up, they were going to go in the trash. He said, "NO, I don't want them in the trash" We went back and forth...he didn't want them in the trash, but he said he WAS NOT going to pick them up. I got so angry at his behavior, because he was deliberately being defiant...he flat out made the choice to do what he did...which he knows is not acceptable. SO, we sat him in time out....which ended up being a back and forth conversation, on and off for *2 hours*...my 3 1/2 year old told me he would rather sit in time out than pick up his cards.







: When my husband was leaving for work, he went to talk to Kai and told him it was time to come out of his room...my son looked right up at his dad and said..."OK...but I'm NOT going to pick up my cards daddy"....so my husband asked him if he wanted to stay in his room, he said yes and kissed his daddy goodbye. He ended up falling asleep for a couple of hours. When he woke up, I went in his room and cuddled him and we talked...the first thing he said was "Mommy, I'm not pickinig up my cards" I responded "Sweetie, we're going to walk into that living room, and you WILL pick up the cards. You know that the behavior you displayed is not acceptable in this house. We ALL live here, and we ALL have a responsibilty to pick up after ourselves...mommy has to do it, daddy has to do it, and you have to as well." SO...he picked up the cards!







: I said exactly that fom the get go...but it wasn't until after our little struggle that he complied.
I have a seriously strong willed child, and I appreciate that atribute...as I know it will be helpful to him in most aspects of his life....BUT, it's very hard at the same time, to raise a child that is SO strong willed, and so very intelligent....he thinks things through quite thoroughly. I try SO hard to take the GD approach with him, but most of the time, he requires a much more rigid approach....and seriously, he just responds better to it. He laughs at me when I use a true GD method on him....he just does NOT take me seriously unless I'm firm and rigid. It's times like the one I stated above that I think 1 child is enough!! I don't know how you mommas with multiple children do it!!! I have SO much admiration for you!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellien C*

And as a word of warning for everyone reading this - our "threes" are way worse than our "twos" ever were. It's a very difficult time for me right now with a LOT of emotional drama.

DITTO!!!!!


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers*
Also many of you are using a lot of words "Please no hitting, that hurts and is not ok, I know you are frustrated" wow thats a mouthful for a 2 year old dont ya think? Mine would have smacked me 4 more times in that sentence. We use small phases like "Hitting is not ok" "No hitting" "No bitting" instead of a long drawn out conversation.

absolutely!







the more input, the more noise it is at that point. keeping it simple helps to get the message across. when dd was in a big hitting phase, i would put her down if i was holding her & say something like "no hitting" or "we don't hit".


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Yeah, I don't force apologies either. It seems so fake and meaningless. And it kinda seems like a "way out" like it can just erase whatever pain or uneasiness you caused the person.
I WILL tell him if I can give him a hug, and sometimes I'll tell him that it would make me feel better. Or I'll say the "kiss and make it better" thing. But its always a choice, and I only say it when it is genuine. Like, I realize that we need a bit of reconnecting, and I feel distant from him. I don't say it as a way for him to "make up" for hitting me, and definitely doesn't come every time!


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily*
I have found this works for us too. THe other day we were at walmart and she was in the cart and he was walking, I turn my head to look at something and all of the sudden she is crying, he had bit her on her little finger (out!!) we were ready to check out by then and he normaly helps with puting the stuff on the checkout counter, but this time I told him that boys who bite so not get to do especial big boy stuff and I sat him down right there at the end of the register in "time out" he sat there quitely until we were ready to leave and he was much better after that. I think it is important to do what you would do at home becasue if you don't those two year old will walk all over you in public!!

















: My head is just spinning on this thread. Do people really think that 2 yr olds are "walking all over them"??







:







:







:


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobica*
absolutely!







the more input, the more noise it is at that point. keeping it simple helps to get the message across. when dd was in a big hitting phase, i would put her down if i was holding her & say something like "no hitting" or "we don't hit".

Yep. Short,sweet,to the point. When they are a bit older,sometimes the explanations like "I dont like to be hit" help,but I have tried that with my 20 month old and he just really doesn't understand that.


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## jencha (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama*







: My head is just spinning on this thread. Do people really think that 2 yr olds are "walking all over them"??







:







:







:

I, for one, don't think there's anything "wrong" with time outs if your child does get it. I think giving Heaven a little bit of time to think and blow off steam is the right way for us. I'm not going to let Heaven hit my other DD on the head (who has hydrocephalus) and just say "no hitting" and pray she doesn't do it again or when I'm not looking. There are different ways that work for every family, and discipline is a very personal and complex thing. But it is easy to judge, isn't it?


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama*
Yep. Short,sweet,to the point. When they are a bit older,sometimes the explanations like "I dont like to be hit" help,but I have tried that with my 20 month old and he just really doesn't understand that.









Hmmm I guess all kids are different. My ds understands "I don't like to be hit" and has for months. But "No hitting" has quite the opposite effect on him. Perhaps its also because when I say "Don't hit" I'm frustrated and not dealing with it like I should.
When I say "I don't like to be hit" I'm calmer and able to get to the bottom of his feelings and give him acceptable alternatives.

But I think he knows "I don't like to be hit" means to not hit, even if he really can't put himself in my shoes and understand how i feel.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencha*
not going to let Heaven hit my other DD on the head (who has hydrocephalus) and just say "no hitting" and pray she doesn't do it again or when I'm not looking.

Whoa! Who's advocating that?
All I've read is ways to teach kids to not hit. And to know why they shouldn't hit, and how hitting affects others. So that they CAN/will keep from hitting when you aren't around.
If you are trying to teach your child to not hit by using punishment, what is her motivation to not hit when you aren't around? Punishment teaches kids to "behave" for self centered reasons. "I shouldn't hit because I don't want a time out" as opposed to REAL reasons "I won't hit the dog because she doesn't like to be hit. I can hit this couch instead."

And like I said before "no hitting" doesn't do a dang thing for my ds except prompt him to hit more. It doesn't give any real information that will be useful when he is making those decisions in the future.


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## jencha (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
Whoa! Who's advocating that?
All I've read is ways to teach kids to not hit. And to know why they shouldn't hit, and how hitting affects others. So that they CAN/will keep from hitting when you aren't around.
If you are trying to teach your child to not hit by using punishment, what is her motivation to not hit when you aren't around? Punishment teaches kids to "behave" for self centered reasons. "I shouldn't hit because I don't want a time out" as opposed to REAL reasons "I won't hit the dog because she doesn't like to be hit."

And like I said before "no hitting" doesn't do a dang thing for my ds except prompt him to hit more. It doesn't give any real information that will be useful when he is making those decisions in the future.

Hmm, I do get that now. I guess I've never heard that point of view... I guess I just try to take a more stern approach because of the consequences of her hitting her sister. I don't know... I guess I'll think about a different way of doing things... It's just the ONE thing I put her in time out for because I just can't have her hurting her sister...
Thanks for offering advice and a rounded opinion, rather than just making snarky comments!!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencha*
I, for one, don't think there's anything "wrong" with time outs if your child does get it. I think giving Heaven a little bit of time to think and blow off steam is the right way for us. I'm not going to let Heaven hit my other DD on the head (who has hydrocephalus) and just say "no hitting" and pray she doesn't do it again or when I'm not looking. There are different ways that work for every family, and discipline is a very personal and complex thing. But it is easy to judge, isn't it?

But some things are always wrong. Yes, some people make judging TOO easy.







:


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## jencha (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm*
But some things are always wrong. Yes, some people make judging TOO easy.







:

Speaking of wrong... I think it's wrong to frown down on people that don't have the same beliefs as you.

Where's the love??
I need a hug...
**sigh**


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## lovemyfamily (Jul 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama*







: My head is just spinning on this thread. Do people really think that 2 yr olds are "walking all over them"??







:







:







:

No I do not think that my child walks all over me, but a two year old can think they are. I have seen two year olds be in charge because there is no dicipline and no consistacy and to me that is a lot for a two year old to have to haddle.

can someone please tell me why they think time outs are wrong?


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily*
can someone please tell me why they think time outs are wrong?

I don't like them because it isolates ds just as he is having the hardest time with something. Now, there are times we have discussed that if he is unable to deal with whatever it is he is feeling without throwing trains then we need to go sit in the bedroom so that everyone is safe. I don't see that as a time out because I accompany him, unless he specifically requests to be alone (but he is 5yo). "You hit your sister, go sit in a time out!" doesn't address why the child hit, and it doesn't teach them anything about how to handle their emotions in a more appropriate way. And, to quote Deva33mommy:

Quote:

If you are trying to teach your child to not hit by using punishment, what is her motivation to not hit when you aren't around? Punishment teaches kids to "behave" for self centered reasons. "I shouldn't hit because I don't want a time out" as opposed to REAL reasons "I won't hit the dog because she doesn't like to be hit."


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemyfamily*
can someone please tell me why they think time outs are wrong?

What's already been said, plus: timeouts can be scary for kids who have very little concept of time. And timeouts remove kids from a situation that they potentially can learn a lot from. And it only deals with the behavior itself, it doesn't deal with the *reasons* for the behavior.
That's all paraphrased from Becoming the Parent YOu Want to Be.

And time outs seem to take advantage of the fact that dc are connected to their parents, and use that against them.


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## lovemyfamily (Jul 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
I don't like them because it isolates ds just as he is having the hardest time with something. Now, there are times we have discussed that if he is unable to deal with whatever it is he is feeling without throwing trains then we need to go sit in the bedroom so that everyone is safe. I don't see that as a time out because I accompany him, unless he specifically requests to be alone (but he is 5yo). "You hit your sister, go sit in a time out!" doesn't address why the child hit, and it doesn't teach them anything about how to handle their emotions in a more appropriate way. And, to quote Deva33mommy:

Thanks for the explenation. It makes sence, but we all have to do what works for us. As for us time outs work great and we always have a little talk after it is done. The talk after time out really helps him to think about what he did. Once we have our talk about why he did it and how it makes everyone feel, we have a good hug and a kiss and off we go. Also when he sits in time out, we are always right there we dont just leave him and go to a different room. I really don' t see anything wrong with that.


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## zaner'smama (Dec 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
"Hey, show me a mad face" (letting him know that is an acceptable way of showing frustration)

Wow, Deva33mommy, what an informative post! I especially like the part I quoted. My little guy is still too young to make a mad face, but I'll try to remember that for the future. I really think redirection is a wonderful way to deal with negative behavior, however I'm not always so creative at the moment it's happening.








We are just starting to deal with hitting, generally when nursing. I've been trying to explain to my son to have "soft hands" and not to hit, but it's not always working (he's hitting the cat too, ugh!). Anyway, guess I'll keep hanging out on the gd board and trying to steer his attention elsewhere when needed...


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## mom2evan (Feb 3, 2005)

My DS turned two in June, and we went through a hitting phase for a couple of months right around his birthday that drove me batty.







: It often did hurt, and I struggled a great deal with my urge to be punitive in response - to strike DS, to remove myself from his presense in order to punish him, or to yell at him.

I asked some of the wise women here for help, and Deva33mommy's advice is what ended up "working" best for us.

I put "working" in quotation marks, because the behavior ended as suddenly as it stopped, and I don't believe that what I said or did had much to do with why it stopped. What worked, though, was the fact that I was able to communicate to DS my feelings about what he was doing. Saying "I don't like to be hit" or "I don't like to be bitten" in a calm, but forceful, voice, satisfied my need to feel as though I wasn't simply allowing DS to touch me in a way that I didn't like.

I also tried to follow the advice about "honoring the impulse." This didn't always work, because it wasn't always clear to me what the impulse was. There were also times that I understood the impulse, but never found an appropriate way to redirect it. DS would often start to hit and bite around bedtime, for example. I tried any number of approaches to this, and never found one that left me feeling as though I had identified and addressed the underlying issue. At times like that, I would gently protect myself (holding DS gently away from me if he came at me with gaping jaws for a bite) and DS as much as possible, while saying again, "I don't like to be bitten."

The "I" statement ("I don't like to be hit") really worked for me.


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## starbarrett (Jun 16, 2004)

So far most of the posters have advocated the same method-- saying some variation of "don't hit me I don't like to be hit". and redirecting the expression of anger into an acceptable expression. This sounds great, but it's completely ineffective for my dd. Usually there's a greater variety of solutions, but this methos really worked for everyone except me?

DD isn't interested in redirecting her impulse. She doesn't want to stomp her feet, or say she's angry, or roar. She wants to hit me, 'cause I'm the one who is between her and her fun. That's it.

I've tried redirection, talking about it, showing anger or shock at being hit, putting her in time out, removing her from my presence with no show of emotion at all. I feel like I've tried it all-- except spanking-- and it doesn't work.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

You sound like you're having a hard time.

Can we think for a moment what you mean when you say you're looking for something that "works?"

You want the hitting to stop?

But you also want a child that is a freethinker, able to make her own choices, honor her impulses and set boundaries for herself? One that make her own decisions because that's the right and honorable thing to do, not just because of a consequence. And perhaps you're greatest wish for your child is to grow up happy and healthy and make her own choices, even if they are different than yours?

And in her own little way right now, your youngster may be making her own choices. Albeit, ones you aren't happy with.

I think a lot of this advice is about the types of parents we want to be that feels authentic and right to us. It isn't always about changing a behavior right away. I want to authentically express my own boundaries for my child (I won't let you hit me) while giving her the space to make her own decisions. I'm not trying to set limits for her. Does this make sense. I want to model good limit setting in myself - I don't allow people to hit me, it hurts, while not engaging her in a power struggle - you will not hit me and if you do, I'm bigger than you and will impose my will on you by putting you in time out or hitting you back.

So - there are probably some other techniques, some discussed on this board and some not, that might extinguish your DD behavior. But is that really your goal in parenting?

I don't know that I have answer for your right now - except to say - When your toddler hits you - DUCK! This may just be something she needs to grow out of in her own time. This may just be THE THING she's chosen to take a stand on and exert her independence about (for us it's bed time, for others it might be food, or the potty).


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## momma2babygirls (Jul 13, 2006)

I have the exact same problem except my dd is 16 mo. old. If she doesn't get her way she hits me. I don't know what will work. I have tried redirection, holding her hands until she stops, etc. None of it seems to work. She is so stubborn and wants to have her way all the time. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions you might have to stop her from hitting.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellien C*

I don't know that I have answer for your right now - except to say - When your toddler hits you - DUCK! This may just be something she needs to grow out of in her own time. *This may just be THE THING she's chosen to take a stand on and exert her independence about* (for us it's bed time, for others it might be food, or the potty).

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!
It's not acceptable for ME to hit my son, and it's not acceptable for him to hit me. It's not acceptable to express my anger or frustration through violence, nor is it acceptable for my son to do so. It seems to me that dodging the punch is allowing the behavior. It's not OK for a child to express anger, frustration or independence through violence on another person. IMO, that is a behavior/method of expression that needs to be quenched immediately.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Ok, I'm a huge loser! Today, this thread was just about the highlight of my day







I LOVE when people get something from what I say









Thanks!!


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I have removed several posts from this thread that either violated the Gentle Discipline Forum Guidelines or quoted a removed post. Please remember that posts advocating physical punishment are inappropriately posted in the GD forum.

Also, if you see a post that you feel violates the MDC User Agreement, Forum Guidelines, or just feels "off" to you, please report it to a moderator rather than responding to it on the thread itself.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me or lilylove. Thanks!


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

My son has been so physical with me that at one point I harbored the fear that he was going to grow up to be a psychopath. I could NOT get Ted Bundy out of my head.









Luckily he's grown out of most of it. He doesn't look on with delight while biting me anymore, for instance.









But he will still hit. And scratch, ooh that's a biggie right now.

I've ALWAYS "used all my words" with him, what can I do, I was raised by a mother who was *this close* to being a Montessori teacher, and if there's one thing Montessori is good at, it's teaching kids to use all their words!









Heck, I was saying "right foot, left foot" when DS was a month old.









So if he's having a freak-out, over whatever, WHILE I quickly grasp his arms (anyone who is being hit while talking is forgetting to protect themselves while talking) and hold them as gently as I can, I am talking to him. I am telling him that it hurts, that it's not going to get him what he wants, that (and this is usually the case) I was actually DOING what he had asked for, but I'm not Superwoman and can't do things at the speed of light (I don't use those words, he doesn't know who Superwoman "is"), etc etc etc.

Sometimes he still wants to hit. Sometimes he will still hit.

I'll usually move on from talking to reacting then, to really showing him that he has hurt me. Though he usually hasn't, it's just that I don't like being hit. Alas, he can usually tell when I'm acting (just like I can tell when he's fake-crying). But at least that'll get a smile out of him.

For me, this sort of thing is a process. It's not going to get INSTANT results. But hey, I don't think he's a psycopath-in-training anymore, so *something* is working, either time, or dealing openly and honestly with each situation... (my vote is on both).

Then again, he usually has his worst times when his teeth are bothering him. He got all but his 2-years in a ridiculously short amount of time, and his 2 year molars have been working their way up since he was 18 months. He gets four at a time, it seems. That's a LOT to deal with!!! So we try to watch out for those times, and to really protect ourselves.

Perhaps it's lucky that I took Kung Fu as a kid, and that DH is a Tae Kwon Do black belt. We're both very fast at protecting ourselves without hurting someone else. So we're not continuing to be hit WHILE talking to DS.

We don't force apologies, either. (well, DH has been known to) I can't stand forced apologies. Heck, I don't much like REAL apologies. I want action, things to show me that you feel bad. If I were to force it from him, how would I ever know it was true, you know? But for now, when DS, on his own, tells me from his heart "sowy" and hugs me, that's very excellent, and it will do for now.

I'm sure that in a few months, things will have continued to change. And when he's 3 and I'm saying all the words and he's finally understanding more of them, it will be good, b/c it won't be the first time he's heard all about how it hurts me, I don't like being hurt, no one wants to be hurt, I don't hit him and neither does papa, heck, even kitty hasn't swatted at him despite deserving it, and so on and so forth......

So to the main question of the OP, I think being open and honest with the kiddo is a good start. Talking, explaining, but also protecting yourSELF at the same time (none of us deserve to be hit! but adults have better impulse control than little children), all those things, I think, go into helping them understand that parents are not for hitting (my new phrase, LOL, paraphrased from the book "teeth are not for biting").


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## dflanag2 (Oct 4, 2005)

I am so glad to have found this connection so that I can relate to other parents and their frustrations!

We have just had a horrible day. My son is peaking in the Hitting and Throwing departments right now, he will be two years old next week. We abruptly left the playground this afternoon because my son saw another little boy pushing a toy stroller (common toy at playground) and started to run over. I caught him halfway and reminded him that it was the other boy's turn/wait your turn/let's find something else to play with while you wait for your turn, but he broke away and clobbered the poor child, managing to take the stroller in such a way that he hit the poor boy's head. (I tried to catch him, but being 8 months pregnant, I was 3 seconds too late). He then went into meltdown mode and I decided it was time to leave, as we have had similar problems all day long. We have had four conversations about the incident since returning home... ALL initiated by DS! (Mainly relating what happened, which part wasn't nice, how he should behave next time, but discussed in as non-lecturing way as I can.) Hopefully it was a learning moment for him. I am dreading the hitting the infant problems that loom in the very near future.

Anyway, we have been doing the "Ow, please don't hit, that hurts Mommy/That's not nice/I don't like it"/find other distraction technique, but he still tests and tests and tests every day, so it is nice to come here and read and get a little moral support. The neat part is that he is very verbal, and he has learned to say "I do not like it." himself when something happens that HE doesn't like, so I know it is registering, and I am so proud that he is learning to assert his own feelings using I-statements! (I didn't learn how to communicate this way until I was in my 20's, v. scary).

Every child develops verbally at a different rate, but I recommend giving kids the benefit of the doubt that they may understand your explanation, if not in the heat of the moment, then afterwards when they have settled down a little. I just started explaining everything from the very beginning, and maybe that has led to DS learning to be so articulate so early (er, except for today, which was mostly screaming and thrashing









Thanks to everyone who expressed their frustration as well as their techniques, it's nice to know that I am not alone!!!

Oh, and I also appreciated the debate about time-outs, I have been considering the technique because I am getting desparate, and I appreciated the insights. I've tried it a few times, but it felt wierd. Reading this thread strengthens my resolve to stick with the explaining WHY hitting is not okay and redirecting the energy.

Back to lurk-mode...

-dflanag2 mother to DS 8-04, expecting DD 8-06


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