# Having a tough time - sister had her baby



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

As a background, I have two sisters (they happen to be twins) and we were all pregnant at the same time due within 8 weeks of each other. K and I were due within a week of each other (her before me) and M was due 7 weeks after me. I'll never forget getting the call from K that she was pregnant. She was so afraid to call since I had a m/c just a few months before and didn't know I was pg, but I did. I still hid it from her (and tortured her, the evil older sister that I am :LOL ) because I wasn't ready to tell anyone. Then I told my family and everyone was thrilled. How fun to be pregnant with K! Then in November while visiting my in-laws, I talked to M who told me she was pg. I screamed with joy! For her, since it was her first and for all of us - all pg together. How crazy and wonderful!

We took so many pictures of the three of us at various stages of pregnancy - K and I with little bellies, M with none and slowly with each of us getting bigger and bigger. We would call each other "complaining" about this pain, that pain, m/s, etc but having fun doing it together. It was so much fun to tell people of our story. Everyone was so excited for us. Talks of a crazy Christmas this year and how three babies would be so close! We even all coinincidentally picked girls named that started with "M".

Then I lost Grace (we decided against our "M" name of Madeline because it just didn't seem right for her). The next week (almost to the day and hour) K's baby was born - a girl who she named Marina. Then just today, M had her baby 2 weeks early. She had a girl - Mia.

This has been probably one of the most difficult parts of losing my baby - losing the dream of everything my sisters and I were going to go through together. Now there is just an empty hole in the family where Grace should have been. How fun it would have been that they were all girls! How fun it would have been to have them all grow up together! Now they are painful reminders to me of what I have lost. This Christmas, their one-year birthdays, graduations, weddings, children - all reminders of what could have been..

Of course, I am relieved that Marina and Mia are safe as well as my sisters, but right now I need to wallow a bit. I have yet been able to hold Marina and I wonder how long it will be until I can find the courage to meet Mia. It hurts even more that I love children, especially neices and nephews. I have been a great aunt so far, but I fear I won't be able to be that for them. I hope I'm wrong and I find a way to be what I want to be for them.

If you read this thanks. I needed to get it out.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

s to you Coleslaw. I can understand & relate to your heartbreak, with your sister's babies. No real words of wisdom, as I am new to this grief, but want to know I hear ya. Take Care.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

your story sounds very much like mine. my step sister was due 3 weeks after i was and my sister was due 4 weeks after i was. those calls were so hard, i am happy for them but want so much for it to be me. i have finally met one nephew and he just turned 5 months (they live across the country) and it was so hard to know that my baby should be about that age. he is a cute little guy but i find myself very detached from him and i do hope that eventually goes away.

take your time getting to know your nieces, you'll know what you are ready for and when and i am sure one day you will be the aunt you want to be

take care

tara


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I'm right there with you! My friend was due only 5 days after me. She had been trying for a couple of months and I felt so horrible calling her to tell her that it took us one try...but then she called two days later saying her due date was five days after Connor's. We must have told the story about how this was unplanned but how amazing it would be that our babies would be so close together. Then my world fell apart and her's continued on the normal route. I remember crying hysterically the day she called to tell me she delivered. I was happy that they were safe but so much sadness, jealously and even anger was swelling up in me. The should-have beens were somedays almost too much to bear. I remember the first time I met her daughter. I was ok with holding her but then it was when I realized I didn't have a baby to give to my friend to hold that I totally lost it.

This past week was Connor's due date and now her one year birthday. This little girl is a constant reminder of what I lost but I had an experience during her party. She came wobbling over to me and gave me this huge hug...for a brief moment I imagined Connor hugging me. I bent down and kissed her and felt a little peace. I didn't tell my friend as I would imagine that having someone think of their dead baby while holding yours is not a pleasant thought to anyone other than a grieving mother. What it did was give me hope that although she will remind me of what I lost with Connor, this doesn't always have to make me feel bad. I'm tied to this little girl and somehow I still feel Connor is tied to this little girl. Not even sure that makes sense to anyone.

I know how rough it is sweetie. Be kind to yourself and the emotions you are feeling. It doesn't mean you wish them harm...it doesn't make you a bad sister...it doesn't make you a bad aunt...IT MAKES YOU A GRIEVING MOTHER.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Coleslaw







I have been there too. My SIL and I were due on the same day with our little girls. Now she has her daughter, and I don't. We talked about how great it would be, being pregnant together and our daughters growing up together. Those first few milestones were really hard, O's birth, and then of course Christmas, when it seemed like no one else realised that some one was missing. Some things are still hard, O is a constant reminder of what is missing in my life. But as time goes on things get easier. Hopefully it will be the same for you. Just be gentle with your self, and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel.


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

One of my closest friends, and my neighbor, and I were pregnant together, and I had an m/c. I had gone thru a lot of the grieving--was way farther from my loss than you are from yours--when my neighbor gave birth, but I really fell apart. It was really hard to be having "bad" feelings--I wanted to be celebratory and happy for her, esp. since she had a m/c last time. It helped me when another friend told me "You aren't feeling pain because of her joy--you're feeling pain because of your loss." Which was true. It's just that part of the loss is the loss of the dreams, and one of those dreams was about the closeness with my friends--your closeness with your sisters.

I have found it helps a lot that I can talk freely with the other friend I mentioned, about my loss and how her continuing pregnancy kept bringing it up for me. I have gotten to hold her baby several long stretches since her birth...I know it's OK with her that I have many different feelings. It has been healing to stay in there with her, knowing she accepts me as I am. Hard, but good.

There is a lot of time for you to let yourself grieve. It hurts to not be who you want to be.... and it's all right for you to just be who you are.


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

One of my closest friends, and my neighbor, and I were pregnant together, and I had an m/c. I had gone thru a lot of the grieving--was way farther from my loss than you are from yours--when my neighbor gave birth, but I really fell apart. It was really hard to be having "bad" feelings--I wanted to be celebratory and happy for her, esp. since she had a m/c last time. It helped me when another friend told me "You aren't feeling pain because of her joy--you're feeling pain because of your loss." Which was true. It's just that part of the loss is the loss of the dreams, and one of those dreams was about the closeness with my friends--your closeness with your sisters. There are so many different pieces of the grief, and they come up at different times....

I have found it helped a lot that I could talk freely with the other friend I mentioned, about my loss and how her continuing pregnancy kept bringing it up for me. I have gotten to hold her baby several long stretches since her birth...I know it's OK with her that I have many different feelings. It has been healing to stay in there with her, knowing she accepts me as I am. Hard, but good. I don't know if you have the possibility of that with either of your sisters, but I wanted to share it.

There is a lot of time for you to let yourself grieve. It hurts to not be who you want to be.... and it's all right for you to just be who you are.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Hugs to you Keri..

I know how difficult it must be for you.. My friend just had her baby last week and she had some complications and when I went to see her all she could talk about was how she thought of me when she had an emergency c-section and how she understood how I felt.....but her baby lived!!! be easy on yourself.. holding that baby for me was quite an experience, Even though it was difficult, I think it was therapeutic for me.. but that's just me.. don't push yourself.. Your sisters know that you love them and they will understand.. take you time with this.. as you have told me to do in the past in so many words......
Peace to you mama.. and thank you for sharing..

Sarah


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
The should-have beens were somedays almost too much to bear.

It's hard not to cry everytime I think of the would-have-beens, even the simplest of things, and sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind talking about the baby I _don't_ have and what would life be like if he was here.... but then I realize is another way to keep his memory alive, acknowledging he was here and he is my son.

Keri, I don't know what to say, but that we're here to listen and understand your pain.

Elena


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Keri, I really do understand what your saying. I think with the birth of this baby it may finalize things in a way. The reality soaks in and the dream slips away. It's a hard transition - I'm so very sorry.

I remember when I was pregnant with Amanda. 3 of my SIL's were as well. I remember sitting around the table on Thanksgiving sharing pregnancy stories and talking as pregnant women do. 2 weeks later my daugher was dead and they still had their precious children. With the birth of each child came a new pain and reality. When Steven was born (the last of the 3) I broke down. It was almost unbearable how painful it was.

Of course I was thrilled that none of these woman had to endure the pain that I had. But it hurt so deeply knowing my Amanda was not among them.

I think it's a normal response. You were so excited to raise your child with these women. My heart goes out to you.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Thanks ladies! You are all wonderful and made me feel understood. I have plans to meet Mia on Wednesday and see Marina and that sister on Friday. It sounds like a lot (and maybe it will be) but I am finding a new purpose in life. My sisters are each in their own stages of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted as are most mothers of newborns and I feel the need to be there for them. I may find I'm not ready enough, but I need to give it a try.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Keri, You're a wonderful sister and I'm sure your sisters appreciate you. This may be a wondeful day for you. I would suggest that you give yourself room to back out if need be. Your emotions are still so fresh right now and I think it's ok to do what you need to get through.

Do let us know how your doing and how it all goes


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Keri, I think of you often.


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## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

I just wanted to send my love- I think your feelings are normal and the feelings that will come will be normal- no matter what those feelings are. I hope you find some peace. And Grace is a wonderful name- so pretty. She is so blessed to have a mama like you and such a wonderful family- I am sure she was looking down protecting your nieces and your sisters.


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