# My 7 year old's friend want to marry him....



## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

My son recently made a new friend, Max. Max is eight, he's a great kid. He's kind, respectful, very nurturing to my son. I love him and his parents are great.
Max is a good influence on my son and they can play for hours without fighting.

He's recently told my son "I love you and want to marry you when we grow up!"
My son seemed okay with it, he told me about it in a very matter of fact way. He did say, he plans on marrying Daphne from Scooby Doo instead.

So the problem is my husband is little uncomfortable with the idea of my son playing with Max a lot. DH likes Max and he supports gay marriage, we have friends and relatives who are gay, bisexual and transgendered.

I'm treating this the same way I did when the little girl next door wanted to marry my son last year. I think it's sweet and has nothing to do with day to day life at their age. Max's mom spoke to me about it, I guess Max told her too. We are both comfortable with the boys continuing their friendship with the same level of intensity of seeing each other 3-4 times a week.

Max's dad is feeling the same way as my husband. Am I wrong in thinking this isn't issue? Should I be more concerned?


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

I'd be OK with it...sounds normal at that age, regardless of eventual sexual orientation.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I don't see it as any more of an issue than a 7 year old girl wanting to marry your son.


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## naw5467 (Aug 21, 2005)

I wouldn't think it a big deal either. You say they have recently become friends, so it may be that they are just really excited and are enjoying spending time together. I don't see anything to really "worry" about.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I wouldn't invest any thought or worry at all into this. My niece (now a boy-crazy teen) wanted to marry her cat at that age.


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## waldorfknitmama (Sep 16, 2007)

Hmm, sounds totally normal. I remember really wanting to marry my childhood freind's big brother---who at the time was about 20----I was about 5. No big deal. I would tell your hubby he's just a child.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

WHAT?!!!!! 7 year olds and GAY?!!!!! so if max wanted to marry his mom or sister would that be seen as incest?!!!!

i am even surprised he has waited so long to propose. many kids were getting married and divorced (yes divorced too) at 5. by 7 my dd decided to wait coz she likes too many of the boys and girls around and she cant decide.

almost 3/4th of dd's K class was married. and there was some discussion during recess since some boys wanted to marry the same girl and they all had to decide together. it was so darn hilarious.

if your dh is ok with gay marriage then why is he uncomfortable with ur son playing with max? perhaps he is ok with anyone else being gay - just not his son.

you are absolutely right. treat this issue as a 7 year old. not as an adult issue.

most kids dont know their sexual preference at 7. some do in rare cases. i think this is the time for us parents to look inside and look at our own prejudices.

when my dd went thru the same thing AND got involved in gay marriage rights (we are in CA and she joined me in the protests) it was time for me to check in with myself and my prejudices.

all i know is my dd can do anything. she just has to give me some gkids. whether they are hers or adopted.

joking aside - it was a time i truly looked into my soul and was able to remove all expectations out of my dd.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

They are kids. If the dads have an issue, it is the _dads'_ issue. Since your dh is sensitive to gay rights, hopefully he won't want to pass his own issue onto his son if he really thinks about it.

It is ok for him to feel uncomfortable (some discomfort is part of the growth process), as long as he doesn't make the kids feel uncomfortable.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Honestly, It is probably just Max's way of saying "I really like you and I'm glad we're friends".


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My DS wants to marry either me or his sister, and no one takes it seriously or worries about future incest. It's just Max's way of telling your son how much he likes him -- I think it's sweet!


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Honestly, It is probably just Max's way of saying "I really like you and I'm glad we're friends".











DS & his best friend when they were younger planned on growing up and living together... with me














IME, most kids that young when they want to "get married" want basically to have a 24/7 playdate with a person.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

I was forcibly separated from my best friend when I was 12 because our moms thought we were "too attached" to each other, which I realized later was because they were afraid we were gay. It was very traumatic for both of us.

We were not having sex, kissing, or anything of the kind, and I am pretty sure she was completely heterosexual. I am bi but taking my best friend away didn't stop me or "cure" me in any way and I don't think anything sexual or romantic ever would have happened between myself and this girl had we been allowed to continue our friendship.

Please don't let the dads' discomfort break up this cute friendship between two 7-year-olds. It's beyond silly. My five-year-old wants to marry her grandpa, Julia Nunes, and Will Turner from Pirates of the Carribean...none of those things colors my perception of what her sexual orientation is going to be later in life


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My dd has wanted to marry her brother and her best friend (female). I'm not going to stop the girls from playing with each other because dd has said she wants to marry K.

You might also point out to your dh that what an 8 year old thinks of marriage is most likely living together in the same house and being together all the time. Who wouldn't want to do that with their best friend? Sex has nothing to do with it!


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

gosh, my DS wanted to marry me for a while, and currently wants to marry his best friend, the boy who lives around the corner) who just turned 8 (my ds turns 7 tomorrow!). I'm not worried about incestuous thoughts or about my DS being gay!


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

My brother's plans at that age "Either I'll marry Ian (best friend at the time) or become a criminal." So, count yourselves lucky, LOL.


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

I think I was about that age when I married my brother.









It's really just a kid thing. They like eachother and are friends. The guys need to lighten up.

Tjej


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## OperaDiva (Jun 11, 2009)

I distinctly remember my little brother wanting to marry my mom because my dad was going to be too old and die soon. So totally normal to want to marry just about anyone at that age


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

Thanks! Original poster here, I showed DH the thread and it seemed to reassure him. He's reading way more into it then he needs to, neither Max's dad or DH are discouraging the friendship, I think they're more surprised then anything else.

DS has planned on marrying me, his kindergarten teacher's aide, his cousin, Daphne from Scooby Doo, and his friend, Kathy. I'm just disappointed he likes a Daphne, when Velma is so much smarter and cool...........


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Hehehe, Team Velma over here too!

My 5 y.o. spent a good part of last spring trying to decide whether to marry Saffron (neighbor girl) or Jacob (preschool buddy). So far he's still single.


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## LRosa (Dec 8, 2009)

When I was a little girl, my cousin Ismael wanted to marry me. Our parents never seperated us. Kids are just so pure like that. They see something they like and they just want to go for it. They don't care about anything else-- especially not those trivial things that most adults seem to be disgruntled about. It's endearing, really.

Your son is lucky that he has someone who cares for him so much. I say let them be, and tell the father to lighten up a little. Kids are kids. Don't start putting things into their heads, or make them uncomfortable with who they are.

It's probably just a phase. And if it's not, well... *shrugs*

By handling it with care now, you will all be far more comfortable about everything in the long run.

Good luck!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

of course he wants to marry him. Marriage is great. the whole best friend status is singed sealed and delivered. you and your best friend get to hang out all the time and have sleep overs every night. and you get to be grown ups. all plusses whats not to love about that?


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

The other night, dd told me she was going to marry her baby brother, then after he died (!), her male cousin, then after he died, her aunt, then her dad, then me, and then, after everyone else died, she planned to end up married to her grandma.









I distinctly remember a double wedding ceremony in my grandma's garage, in which my sister and I both walked up the aisle together and married one of our cousins.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Why are dads (the ones here specifically but more generally, too) freaked out by this stuff? I have seen countless times women saying online that their husbands wouldn't let their sons wear or play with some item perceived to be girly. What is up with that? And what is up with the wives acting like that's normal and fine? If my husband said to me, "I'm not comfortable with ds wearing that pink tutu," I'd tell him I thought he had some issues to deal with and he needed to figure it out bc ds wants to wear the pink tutu and that's fine.

OP, I'm not at all saying you are supporting your dh in this reaction. Obviously you disagree and are talking to him about it. But I have seen a lot of others act like it is totally normal, fine, and right.

Also, ever notice you don't see any threads where moms are asking about whether or not a color is too boyish for their dd to wear? Is this bc it's only shameful to be girly?


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## lovemybubus (Oct 2, 2007)

*Disclaimer*
I feel passionately about a boy's right to express him through words, play, clothing and think they should be treated 100% equal to girls in that regard.

That said, the big issue here is that your husband and her husband are implying that they are worried about homosexuality (this comes through when you say they have concerns and they want to limit interaction). And the big picture issue with that is that they are saying through their actions that they in fact DO have a problem with homosexuality.

And for the record, I think it's all very innocent, normal development play. I say to the dads: Get over it!


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

Don't think anything into they are just little kiddies and still so young my dd chloe said she wanted to marry her friend Lauren when she's older because she loves her at this age it's just a sign of friendship and kids often will say they love their best friends.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2* 
IME, most kids that young when they want to "get married" want basically to have a 24/7 playdate with a person.

Pfft...some adults are that way, it's just the play that changes.









I agree that it's just kids playing, there's no reason to take any of it seriously and dad would be doing a great disservice to his son by projecting his heebie jeebies on an innocent statement.


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## fyrwmn (Jan 5, 2009)

it's just kid stuff, nothing for the dad's to get concerned about and certainly not something to separate friends over. fwiw, dd wants to marry her brother and says he's going to be the daddy for her babies. i think it's precious that she loves him so much, and much more preferable than the sibling rivalry i'm sure will come along some day!


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## mrsfrenchy (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Honestly, It is probably just Max's way of saying "I really like you and I'm glad we're friends".


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
I don't see it as any more of an issue than a 7 year old girl wanting to marry your son.

Yes to both of these.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Heck, my daughter wants to marry her daddy. Surely, that's got to be all kinds of wrong.









I really wouldn't worry about the boys' friendship. Sounds perfectly normal to me.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Another chiming in here to reassure your hubby....

A friend's 5-year-old son started school last year and made some new friends. One became his BFF (for the school year at least) and after knowing the kid all of a couple of weeks, announced that he's going to marry the kid.

Another mom told me her son wants to marry her, and was disappointed that she was already married to Daddy.

It's just kids' way of saying that person is special, or their "favorite" ATM. It's not a literal thing.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I wouldn't think twice about it. At one point DD wanted to marry Dh and I both.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
WHAT?!!!!! 7 year olds and GAY?!!!!! so if max wanted to marry his mom or sister would that be seen as incest?!!!!










My 5yo DS wants to marry my 3yo DD. You know what I think it means? I think it means they love each other and are good, caring siblings to one another, and they see DH and I being "married" and want to emulate that. It has ZERO to do with incest. And your son and his friend, it has ZERO to do with gay or not. And even if it did, lets say the boys were 16 instead of 7, then what would you say to your DH - so you are OK with people being gay, as long as it isn't your son?


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## Litcrit (Feb 23, 2009)

I was engaged to a friend at 5 and married another at 6.









Before that, I wanted to marry my dad, but he said he was already married to mom.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Do you know how many "man crushes" my DH gets with particular friends?? A lot







. I'm sure he was the little boy who wanted to get married to his BFF when he was little...


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovemybubus* 
That said, the big issue here is that your husband and her husband are implying that they are worried about homosexuality (this comes through when you say they have concerns and they want to limit interaction). And the big picture issue with that is that they are saying through their actions that they in fact DO have a problem with homosexuality.

That was my read as well. "I support marriage equality, but I have a problem with a 7YO boy who says he wants to marry *my* son" reads like someone who does indeed have problems with sexual orientation. Perhaps it's not as deep-seated as many people, but it is something I would address with my husband if I were you. I can't imagine my husband ever saying something like this.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Girlprof* 
My brother's plans at that age "Either I'll marry Ian (best friend at the time) or become a criminal." So, count yourselves lucky, LOL.











I'm with the rest on this thread. It's fine and I think that your dh needs to think a little harder about what it is that is bothering him about this.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Good grief. They're just little kids.

My DD2 wants to marry her twin brother.







What she means is just that she likes to imagine herself in adult roles-- having a house and a job and kids-- and she gets that there's supposed to be another adult in the scenario, and her brother is the non-parent person she likes best in the world. So naturally she imagines him there with her.

They have years and years and years to grow up and develop into their adult sexuality and come to understand what marriage and adult relationships are all about.

I think it's sad when people freak out about this stuff. DS went around last week telling quite a few people that he wanted to be a lady when he grew up, just like his mama, and I could see some people squirming about it, like they were brushing it with all these meanings.

I think people should let kids be kids, and keep their prejudices and biases and issues away from the kids at least until the kids are old enough to have some understanding of what it all means.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I wouldn't think it was a big deal at all. My children have talked about marrying various friends over the years, male, female, whatever. I think it's great that they're being raised to know that it's an option!


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## TanyaS (Jun 24, 2003)

My dd is only 3, but she told us last night at bedtime that she wanted to marry her Grandma.







I think it's totally normal and harmless. Kids this age aren't deciding their sexual orientation yet.


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

DH and I had several conversations about it. After a lot of thought, he explained to me. DH is from a cultural where being homosexual is not acceptable, in previous generations (as in 30 years ago), people who were homosexual were shunned from the community and lost all contact with their family and culture.

In DH's culture; the maternal uncles take the place of the father in most cultures. One of DH's maternal uncles, the one he was closest to, the one he viewed as his "dad", is gay. DH lost all contact with him from the time he was 7 until he was 17. As a small kid, DH saw his uncle every day, he basically raised DH for the first 7 years of his life and one day, he was just gone. It was a devastating loss, as DH's parents were abusive. DH reconnected with him and they are very close, he was DH's best man, they talk several times a week. One of the reasons, I was surprised by DH's reaction.

Sadly, on some levels, DH is afraid of losing our son if he is gay. It doesn't make any sense to others, but it does to DH. DH's nephew, with whom he has the traditional relationship, is 15 and is having currently questioning his sexual identity. DH has been very supportive; including connecting him with the emerging gay rights community within the culture. I think DH has a lot more baggage on this issue then either of us realized.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

When I was 7 yo, I officiated at the marriage of my best friend to her *cat*.


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## snguyen (Jul 15, 2007)

I'm curious, what culture is your husband from? I haven't heard of this uncle/dad style of relationship before.


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## sewaneecook (Nov 1, 2005)

I haven't read any of the other posts, but I had a similar experience in kindergarten. My best friend (another girl) and I wanted to get married when we grew up. It wasn't because either of us was gay (we are now both married to men and have children), it was because we were great friends and boys had cooties. I'd tell your DH not to worry.


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *snguyen* 
I'm curious, what culture is your husband from? I haven't heard of this uncle/dad style of relationship before.

Sorry, I took so long to respond. He is a member of one of the North American Indian tribes. It's matriarchal, everything; clan, family identity and tribal affiliation, comes from the mother's side of the family. While is this is less true for younger generations, for DH, his dad was present in his life, but his maternal uncles played a very paternal role.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
When I was 7 yo, I officiated at the marriage of my best friend to her *cat*.

My brother married the neighbours dog... It wasn't really his choice though, I just thought they made a cute couple.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NightOwlwithowlet* 
DH and I had several conversations about it. After a lot of thought, he explained to me. DH is from a cultural where being homosexual is not acceptable, in previous generations (as in 30 years ago), people who were homosexual were shunned from the community and lost all contact with their family and culture.

In DH's culture; the maternal uncles take the place of the father in most cultures. One of DH's maternal uncles, the one he was closest to, the one he viewed as his "dad", is gay. DH lost all contact with him from the time he was 7 until he was 17. As a small kid, DH saw his uncle every day, he basically raised DH for the first 7 years of his life and one day, he was just gone. It was a devastating loss, as DH's parents were abusive. DH reconnected with him and they are very close, he was DH's best man, they talk several times a week. One of the reasons, I was surprised by DH's reaction.

Sadly, on some levels, DH is afraid of losing our son if he is gay. It doesn't make any sense to others, but it does to DH. DH's nephew, with whom he has the traditional relationship, is 15 and is having currently questioning his sexual identity. DH has been very supportive; including connecting him with the emerging gay rights community within the culture. I think DH has a lot more baggage on this issue then either of us realized.

oh i am so sad to hear what your dh has gone thru. gosh if i disappeared from my 7 year olds life she would be absolutely devastated even though her dad doesnt abuse her.

i would take it upon myself to slowly start working on this. get dh involved in some small form with the GLBT community. or even watch some documentaries on being gay. oh dear i wish i could remember the one i watched.

i think its a good idea to get him to explore that side of himself and you could help him immensely.


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