# dh doesn't want anymore



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

I just wanted to vent to people who'd understand. I have a 3 1/2 yo dd and a 1 1/2 yo ds. Dh says we're done







(He doesn't think we make enough money, etc.- I mean, who says you have to pay for 100% of their college anyway, doesn't having to work for things build character?). Anyway, I've always felt that there's another one out there who's suppose to be mine. Does that make sense? It's like I'm missing one. When I look at my kids, I feel like there's another one, sleeping upstairs, or something. Or when we go out somewhere and I do a head count, it's like I panic for a second because I'm missing one. Anyway, I ovulated the past couple of days, and dh withdrew, so I know there's no way I could be pg. (well, there's always a chance with withdraw, I can always hope!!!) Anyway, I just went to the bathroom and my cm is changing from fertile ewcm to dry. I know that I missed my chance this month. I know I'm not pg, and will probably never be again. It's seriously breaking my heart. Now, I just have to wait for AF to show up. Dh is so funny though, b/c even though he says he doesn't want another one, I joke about me totally molesting him and not letting him up when it's time to withdraw and he just laughs and says "oh, yeah?!" So, maybe I will try that next time!


----------



## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

It sounds like there is still hope for you, your youngest is very young, so maybe give your dh some time? I think if you feel it this strongly you will be able to make it happen when the time is right.


----------



## krissi (Sep 24, 2004)

I just saw this post from the main page and I'm kind of in the same boat. I really would like one more. Just _one_ more. DH says no way and sounds so finalistic every time we even lightly touch on the matter. I had three miscarriages before we had DD and I really feel like having three kids would make this part of my life feel more complete, like I could really feel "through" with my childbearing years. I'm just kind of letting the matter rest and hoping that he'll change his mind in a few years. Or hoping we'll have an oopsie. I must admit that the thought has crossed my mind to purposefully DTD around ovulation time and hope for an accident since I can't use hormonal birth control and barrier methods can fail. Anyway just wanted to commiserate. Hope your DH changes his mind!


----------



## Zach'smom (Nov 5, 2004)

I totally understand what you are going through. We have one and DH wants no more. I have fertility problems and it took us 5 years to get pregnant with DS. DH wants nothing to do with going through the process again. I keep praying that I will just turn up pg one day. But it has been
4 1/2 years. I really don't think it is going to happen.









I'd just keep talking to your dh about it!! He may change his mind.


----------



## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

It took me 6 years to change an "absolutely not" to an "if you want it so bad then let's do it" and he only felt mildly coerced. I felt like someone is missing, like you describe, and I broke down in tears on Christmas day 2005. I guess he was in a giving mood because we made a plan to discuss it again, this time seriously, the following fall. Well, we got real comfortable with the idea, and here I sit 10 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled and he doesn't seem upset or stressed out. I *know* he would have been earlier, he just needed to come to it over time. It helps that our kids are older and can really help out, and be self-sufficient on occasion. I guess my message is, hang in there, hold on to your dream, and try to give him space to think about it. It might take years, but in the end, the timingfor us is pretty sweet, and the kids are old enough to be thrilled themselves.


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Thanks guys, I needed to hear that! I told him that he "better just get used to the idea, because it's going to happen whether he likes it or not!" He said "Well, I'll be sure to congratulate the father when it does." He's so bad!







I don't want to push it b/c he has anxiety, but I hope either he'll slowly warm up to the idea, or i'll just end up pg one day! (Why does that only happen to other people? Why can't I just one day say "oh, when was the last time I had a period? Wow, I must be pg!!!") We'll see. I do try to dtd more around ovulation, but he's REALLY intuned to my body, and always knows what I'm up to. He told me the other day that he thought I was really sexy when pg (and still does), so he might have to get me pg again, just to have great pg sex. So, maybe there is hope after all, if he's joking about it?! Seriously though, we used withdraw for 4 1/2 yrs. and I never got pg from it. When used correctly, isn't it nearly 100% effective? and I hear there are sperm in the preejaculate ONLY if you've dtd up to 12 hrs. prior. Anyone have info. on this? I've only had 2 ppaf's so this is new for me, and a sad reminder that I might not have any more; it's just a sad day for me. I'm also trying to put my faith in God, that when it's going to happen it'll happen. and I trust in that.


----------



## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Me too







Dh says NO MORE. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Kinda makes dtd less interesting when you know there won't be an end result.







:


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

: I love dtd with dh, but when I know there's a chance I could pg from it, it drives me over the edge!!!


----------



## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

*







...same thoughts here







*


----------



## birthjunkie27 (Jul 6, 2005)

My dh said the SAME THING when our second one was a baby. He said NO MORE, NO HOW. PERIOD. End of story. I was heartbroken for months and months. We stopped even talking about it. But..I finally broke him down and here we are with baby number three, 9 months old...and he's open to the idea of more!







I think now that we have three, he's like, eh, what the hell. This coming from the man who broke my heart over the issue at one time.


----------



## BFingMama (Nov 2, 2005)

I am so with you all on this. I have been begging my husband and he just says no. I have a 3 1/2 and 18 month old. I just got my AF back two months ago and I have been wanting to get pg ever since.

My 3 1/2 year old is begging for another baby sister too. He wants to name her Lilly and then he wants a brother named Leap (from Leap Frog). Too cute! The funny thing is that I *really* want four babies but I am feeling sad that I may not even just get three. I found this post at the perfect time. I love this place!!!

One BIG problem for us is that my dh says I have no interest in DTD when I am bfing and have not had my af and/or while pg so he is very happy right now that I have been back "in the mood" and he doesn't want to change that. I can understand why; it is totally true. Unless it's for baby making I could really care less. lol!

Thanks for sharing! I feel like I have someone who understands!


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

UPDATE!!!!!!!
Last night, dh called from work and told me that one of his good friend's wife's pg again (their 4th). He was like, "You know, hon, for a second, I don't know, it made me feel like maybe wanting another."
Maybe there is hope!!!!! YEAH!!!!


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Quote:

Anyway, I ovulated the past couple of days, and dh withdrew, so I know there's no way I could be pg. (well, there's always a chance with withdraw, I can always hope!!!)
I hope this is not too crude to say for this site but I have been wondering, what are the chances of getting pregnant (assuming you are ovulating at the time), if, er, after your DH withdraws, you, er, "catch" some of the semen on your fingers and, er, insert it in you. I suppose chances would still be pretty low but just thinking about this....


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Oh my God... I was thinking about doing this!!!!!







But, I would feel like I tricked him. But, believe you me... EVERYTIME we're done dtd, and I'm in the bathroom cleaning up, I think about doing this! There's got to be a chance of getting pg by doing this.


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Don't think it would work if you inserted while in the bathroom. I think you would have to remain lying in the bed and not get up for the next half an hour after the, er, insertion.

On the one hand, yes it's deceitful, on the other hand, if he is prepared to just withdraw as a means of birth control, well, you take your chances.


----------



## adamsfam07 (Sep 9, 2006)

We just had our 3rd son 10wks ago. My DH was okay with the idea of having a third at first, then as the pregnancy got closer to baby time, he got real anxious and kept questioning why, why did we have to have another one, how were we going to afford it ect. and I was in tears by the end of my pregnancy thinking he was going to forever blame me for having another one, or somehow not love our son as much. I thought that having 3 would be it for me, but now I know I want to have another one. Not right away of course but maybe in a year or 2. Anyway, my DH asked me the other day if I saw us having 4 kids when I told him yes and questioned him in return...he said yes he thinks we could have one more. So just give your DH some time, most likely he'll come around eventually, just give it a rest for a bit. But I absolutely understand that feeling of something missing, I yearn for a daughter (I love my boys of course, and wouldn't change a thing but it would be nice to experience a little girl), I slip up and refer to our boys as she's and her's so maybe there is a little girl out there just waiting for me, guess we'll see.


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Well, yesterday and last night, we dtd 3X and dh didn't "pull out".














:















:







Both times I got pg, it was cycle day 13. Yesterday was cycle day 13. Afterward, he was like "hon, this wasn't a pg time was it?" I said "no, I don't think so, I think I ovulated a couple of days ago."(b/c I have a 26 day cycle) This morning I counted on the calender, and then remembered tht I conceived both of my kids on the 13th day. I remember all of the months I tried to get pg with dd, and dtd on the 8, 10, and 12th day of cycle. Then one month I dtd for fun on the 13th day, not thinking I could get pg, I did. So, now I'm on the two-week wait...





















: . Actually, I can't imagine getting pg that fast (one try), but there's always a chance, right? I'll keep you guys updated. (By the way, I never thought he'd "do that" "in there" if he was that worried about pg, which is why I didn't bother saying anything to him before hand that it might not be the best time to do that if we wanted to prevent pg. But he's SO DILIGENT about pulling out, and with his friend's wife pg and all, and him maybe thinking of another one, I thought he maybe wanted to take the chance. He had to be taking a chance. He KNOWS my body very well, and knows when it's a good time or not and NEVER "does that in there". ) (we really should have an abbreviation for "doing that in there" so it doesn't sound crude when writing it!)


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jee'smom* 
Thanks guys, I needed to hear that! I told him that he "better just get used to the idea, because it's going to happen whether he likes it or not!" He said "Well, I'll be sure to congratulate the father when it does." He's so bad!

My husband said the exact same thing! I'm taking my guy seriously since we already separated once after the birth of our second child...hell!

But, I still want one and nag him about "if we have enough money and enough help and we're getting along.." He just kind of stares at me. We'll see...

I would not resort to trickery...almost cruel IMO (though tempting).


----------



## BFingMama (Nov 2, 2005)

I LOVE MDC!!!

I have been struggling with this same issue since I got AF back when DD#2 was 17 months old. I do not want to DTD unless I am fertile and my dh does not want to change my enthusiasm so soon. He is also adament that he is satisfied with two and does not want another. This month things got a bit intense and I gave him the "Just tell me if we will ever have more kids" thing and when he said no I said "Not now, not ever, never?" and he said no.

So, I began to mourn for the babies I will never have. I always wanted four. Does that sound weird? To grieve over something that never was???

I had told him the reason I was acting so emotional about it was because I was ovulating this very moment and knew that if we did DTD we would probably make a baby. He left for work after we hugged.

Several hours later he came home from work and we DTD and he ahem **stayed inside me*** This just got me even more confused!







: He knew I was ovulating and he usually wants to use a condom. The emotions I felt







:







:








: so confusing!!

AND It was exactly the day of ovulation so now I have to wait the two weeks too! Ugh! I'll probably start testing in a week!







I am the Queen of pg tests!

I wish I could read his mind. Why do they do this to us??


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

I think somtimes they are really conflicted. They want to have sex and maybe even have more babies (primitive urge) but on a conscious level they are terrified by the financial and emotional responsibility and often they fear being 3rd, 4th or 5th fiddle...

I have asked my dh to keep his mind open and to please not make dramatic statements about never having kids again or making negative comments if I mention "maybe someday"...I've explained to him that I'm just not ready to say never. Still, I don't want to do it until he has some conscious level of enthusiasm at the prospect.


----------



## rareimer (Oct 20, 2003)

i don't really have any advice, because i'm in exactly the same situation (almost eerily the same!) i don't feel done with the two we have, and i know that we are meant to have another. i've known since before i had my son that he wasn't the last. but dh is adamant that he doesn't want any more, and although i've gotten him to at least wait on the vasectomy, he still refuses to entertain the possibility. it hurts, and i feel like i'm thinking about getting pg all the time. i just keep hoping he'll change his mind, and if he doesn't, i don't know what i'll do.









not to hijack your thread, but i just want you to know that i understand, because i'm there too.







it's hard. you can't compromise and have half a baby, you know? so how DO you compromise in this kind of situation?


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

I guess there is no compromise, and I agree with someone who said they want dh to be at least alittle enthused about it. I could not trick dh into getting pg, b/c not only is that wrong, I'd have to live with his disappointment, which I couldn't handle (although it IS tempting!!!). He is coming around to the whole possibility that I might be pg right now. He thinks I am; we'll see. He's even laughing about it, so I guess that's good. I asked him that if I'm not pg, would he EVER consider having another baby? He answer, 'yes.". So, I'm not going to be as sad if I'm not pg right now, knowing that I might actually have my 3rd (or 4th...or 5th...







)


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

I've come to the point where I realize that if I let my preoccupation with having another baby take away from my presence and ability to enjoy my current life and family then it is really dysfunctional. I mean I allow myself to think "maybe someday" but without a husband that supports it (and doesn't feel like he'll die of a heart attack if we have another), it is really selfish (IMO). I'm speaking of myself here. Why do I have to push the issue? Why obsess when I have so much in front of me. Why would it be worth putting my husband through the stress and my kids in the middle of that? In a perfect world, my husband would be so secure that nothing could make him so fearful of having another baby...or he could say that in a perfect world, his wife would be grateful for what she has and stop always nagging about needing more...

We have two kids, we've compromised, I'm not lacking anything. I'm hoping some day it will make sense with this husband to have more kids. If not, I'm trying to count my blessings.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

First of all, I am NOT accusing the OP of this. But, I had to respond to some other posts I have seen in this thread and others like it. I also am sure some posts were meant as a joke, really. But there ARE people who would do this and that is what bugs me.

I think it is beyond disgusting to purposely "oops" a husband who clearly does not wish for more children.

How would you like it if you didn't want any more kids, made it known, and yet your husband sabotaged your birth control, more or less FORCING you to become pregnant against your will? I would be resentful and probably would not stay with someone who would go so far against my wishes.

I see posts about non-coercive parenting and discipline. Why is it okay to be coercive and flat-out deceitful to your husband?

I sometimes wonder if husbands really matter to some women. Are they really partners? Or are they just a means to an end? (having more children~getting what you want) I am not pointing at anyone here in particular, but it really makes me wonder.

Yes, it is sad to some when their childbearing days are over. I cried buckets over getting my tubal. But, I still wanted it, because I knew I could not endure another pregnancy where I was sick 24/7. I had a really hard time with #3. I honestly feel badly for women whose husbands don't want more children and the woman does. But, deceit is not the way to go about it.


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

I think it is very important to remember that we come here for a safe place to be honest. If these feelings come up, it is more constructive to come here and work through thme than to act on them. That includes inclinations to trick etc. I've had those thoughts too, no shame in that. It is your actions that count. So I hope no one comes away feeling judged.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mijumom* 
I think it is very important to remember that we come here for a safe place to be honest. If these feelings come up, it is more constructive to come here and work through thme than to act on them. That includes inclinations to trick etc. I've had those thoughts too, no shame in that. It is your actions that count. So I hope no one comes away feeling judged.


If that was directed at my post, point taken. But, I will not agree that it is okay to ever "oops" someone.

I am sure and agree with you that some people would never do what they vent about. I am also sure that some "oops"-type posts are meant as a joke and not to be taken seriously. Some people just vent. That is fine.

But, I have seen some that are dead serious. Who would actually do that. Those are the ones I am referring to. I have known someone who did it. Guess what? She is no longer married because of her deceit and lying. That is so sad.

If you feel judged because of a dissenting opinion, well, I am sorry. It was never my intention to make anyone feel that way. But, I just cannot fathom doing such a thing to a spouse.


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
First of all, I am NOT accusing the OP of this. But, I had to respond to some other posts I have seen in this thread and others like it. I also am sure some posts were meant as a joke, really. But there ARE people who would do this and that is what bugs me.

I think it is beyond disgusting to purposely "oops" a husband who clearly does not wish for more children.

How would you like it if you didn't want any more kids, made it known, and yet your husband sabotaged your birth control, more or less FORCING you to become pregnant against your will? I would be resentful and probably would not stay with someone who would go so far against my wishes.

I see posts about non-coercive parenting and discipline. Why is it okay to be coercive and flat-out deceitful to your husband?

I sometimes wonder if husbands really matter to some women. Are they really partners? Or are they just a means to an end? (having more children~getting what you want) I am not pointing at anyone here in particular, but it really makes me wonder.

Yes, it is sad to some when their childbearing days are over. I cried buckets over getting my tubal. But, I still wanted it, because I knew I could not endure another pregnancy where I was sick 24/7. I had a really hard time with #3. I honestly feel badly for women whose husbands don't want more children and the woman does. But, deceit is not the way to go about it.


I agree with you, and I'm sure the other women do as well, that it is sad when people don't respect their spouses, or anyone else for that matter. It's nice to see you so passionate about the topic, you obviously have alot of respect for your dh, as do I; which is why I could never trick him into anything (except the rabbit that I really really wanted







) Anyway, I just think people responded to your post the way they did b/c you came off a little strong on a post that was a vent about wanting more babies, and consequently the _inner thoughts_







of wanting to put some semen up there, to achieve this basic desire to have more children. I totally hear you though, and, again, appreciate your devotion to your husband and your marriage.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jee'smom* 
I agree with you, and I'm sure the other women do as well, that it is sad when people don't respect their spouses, or anyone else for that matter. It's nice to see you so passionate about the topic, you obviously have alot of respect for your dh, as do I; which is why I could never trick him into anything (except the rabbit that I really really wanted







) Anyway, I just think people responded to your post the way they did b/c you came off a little strong on a post that was a vent about wanting more babies, and consequently the _inner thoughts_







of wanting to put some semen up there, to achieve this basic desire to have more children. I totally hear you though, and, again, appreciate your devotion to your husband and your marriage.


I am passionate by nature. Sometimes I come off a little strong and don't mean to. My post was not directed at anyone in particular. I realize this is a place to vent. But, my point was, there are some who would do something like "oopsing" and I just cannot wrap my head around that at all. I certainly would not want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Believe it or not, I have been there. I was told I could not have children. I got to watch everyone else having the baby showers and the fun for 6 years.

Then, miracles of miracles, I got PG with DS1. When he was about 9 mos old, we found out #2 was coming. Then, in 2002, I had a miscarriage at 6 wks along. I wanted another child, but after it didn't happen, I was resigned to being happy with my two, and then our last child came in 2005. I had difficult pregnancies and decided to have a tubal ligation after #3. I cried the whole day right up until the operation. My doctor had to ask me several times if I was sure I wanted the surgery. I was sad that a part of my life was ending, and really did not want to have the surgery on one level, but knew it was the best for my health and well-being, so I had it done. No regrets. I know it was for the best.

There are people who will never experience the joy of having children, so I know I am truly blessed. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter sometimes. But, I have learned to be content with what I have been given.

However, I realize others have not come to terms with it yet. I hope they can and get some peace.


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

TinkerBelle- I totally agree with you. I think you offer some good insight into the obvious consequences of manipulating a mate into something so huge. I didn't assume you meant any offense, I just wanted to reinforce the difference between sharing these thoughts and actually following through. I would hope that maybe sharing the thoughts and getting feedback here might actually influence soemone not to take such action.

I feel very empathetic to the desperation expressed on this thread. I feel it sometimes myself but nothing is happening without dh on board. We went through a separation already following the birth of ds#2 so I have that experience to reflect on. Not everyone gets the gravity of having a child that their dh doesn't really want (accident baby)...BTW, we went into counceling and are still together and he adores and loves ds#2 very deeply. But we had to go through a hell I don't wish for anyone.

I think we're on the same page.


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Regarding "tricking" one's partner into getting pregnant, I would like to point out that the OP stated that her DH used the withdrawal method. Come on! Your DH does not want another child? Fine. He should put on a condom or get a vasectamy. But for god's sake, don't insult your wife by withdrawing early from the act so that she has to see your semen everywhere other than where she would like it to be. That's just a slap in the face to your wife who you know wants a child. It is hurtful and cruel and I got no sympathy for a man who does that and ends up getting his wife pregnant, however it happens!

Which leads me to my second point: who is anyone to say in this situation that the male partner has been "tricked" or "deceived"? Everyone knows that withdrawal is NOT a 100% effective method of birth control. Who are we to say how a woman got pregnant? Because some escaped while in the act? Because some escaped just outside her opening? Because she reinserted with her fingers? You are a man and you don't want more kids, GET SOME REAL BIRTH CONTROL and stop blaming your wife for tricking you because she wants kids and you had the gall to leave your semen all over the place instead taking responsible steps to prevent pregnancy. You don't want kids? YOU prevent it. Period.

And to the poster who wrote the sanctimonious post stating how could any woman possibly "oops" her husband when he did not want another child, it seems to me that you had your tubal ligation for YOUR OWN reasons and not just because YOUR HUSBAND told you to do it. If someone's husband does not want kids and she does, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TAKING THE APPROPRIATE AND VIRTUALLY SUREFIRE STEPS TO PREVENT IT. There is no question of "oopsing" anyone when we are talking about withdrawal, as it is nowhere near being a surefire method of preventing pregnancy in the first place.


----------



## hipcoolmama (Oct 2, 2006)

Hello. I read all the posts with interest. I wouldn't say my situation is exactly the same, but similar in some ways.

I'm just wondering...do your DH's ever communicate to you why they do not want any or more children? Is it mainly financial or are there other reasons?

In my situation, I think if we could clearly communicate our dreams and fears to each other, maybe we'd start to be on the same page about major life decisions.


----------



## hipcoolmama (Oct 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mijumom* 
TinkerBelle- I totally agree with you. I think you offer some good insight into the obvious consequences of manipulating a mate into something so huge. I didn't assume you meant any offense, I just wanted to reinforce the difference between sharing these thoughts and actually following through. I would hope that maybe sharing the thoughts and getting feedback here might actually influence soemone not to take such action.

I feel very empathetic to the desperation expressed on this thread. I feel it sometimes myself but nothing is happening without dh on board. We went through a separation already following the birth of ds#2 so I have that experience to reflect on. Not everyone gets the gravity of having a child that their dh doesn't really want (accident baby)...BTW, we went into counceling and are still together and he adores and loves ds#2 very deeply. But we had to go through a hell I don't wish for anyone.

I think we're on the same page.


I think that makes sense. I think most dads would still be wonderful dads to an unplanned child, however, the reality is some dads may resent or feel differently about a child if they feel they were tricked into a pregnancy. That's not the optimal situation for a child to enter so if at all possible, consensus between mom and dad beforehand is best!









Also, your DH may be less than helpful during a pregnancy if the timing is not what he wished.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp* 
Regarding "tricking" one's partner into getting pregnant, I would like to point out that the OP stated that her DH used the withdrawal method. Come on! Your DH does not want another child? Fine. He should put on a condom or get a vasectamy. But for god's sake, don't insult your wife by withdrawing early from the act so that she has to see your semen everywhere other than where she would like it to be. That's just a slap in the face to your wife who you know wants a child. It is hurtful and cruel and I got no sympathy for a man who does that and ends up getting his wife pregnant, however it happens!

Which leads me to my second point: who is anyone to say in this situation that the male partner has been "tricked" or "deceived"? Everyone knows that withdrawal is NOT a 100% effective method of birth control. Who are we to say how a woman got pregnant? Because some escaped while in the act? Because some escaped just outside her opening? Because she reinserted with her fingers? You are a man and you don't want more kids, GET SOME REAL BIRTH CONTROL and stop blaming your wife for tricking you because she wants kids and you had the gall to leave your semen all over the place instead taking responsible steps to prevent pregnancy. You don't want kids? YOU prevent it. Period.

And to the poster who wrote the sanctimonious post stating how could any woman possibly "oops" her husband when he did not want another child, it seems to me that you had your tubal ligation for YOUR OWN reasons and not just because YOUR HUSBAND told you to do it. If someone's husband does not want kids and she does, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TAKING THE APPROPRIATE AND VIRTUALLY SUREFIRE STEPS TO PREVENT IT. There is no question of "oopsing" anyone when we are talking about withdrawal, as it is nowhere near being a surefire method of preventing pregnancy in the first place.


First of all, I did NOT direct my post at the OP. Not even close. I never said she would "oops" him. I never said *she* would try to deceive or trick him.

I actually *AGREE* with you. If a man does not want more kids, HE should get the big "V" or use a condom or something. Withdrawl is NOT effective, as we all know. I also agree that a guy who says "no more kids", yet is not doing anything to try to prevent, is playing some kind of game and it is cruel.

I was referring to posts suggesting scooping semen and inseminating one's self, and those who pretend to take their B/C, and don't, thereby the "oops" happens. It DOES happen. Men do it too. I knew someone whose husband messed with her B/C Pills. Women have been known to poke holes in condoms and diaphragms. It happens.

Call me "sanctimonious" or whatever. I don't care how you judge me. But, I am not going to back down from my position. If anyone, *male OR female*, basically forces their partner into another child by sabotaging B/C, or whatever, it is WRONG. It is deceitful, and could mean the end of the relationship, in some cases.

Oh, and BTW, I DID state that I realize that some of the posts were not meant to be serious, AND that this is a place to vent. If you want to get down to it, I was venting as well. I also believe I explained how I know what it is like to want a child and not be able to have one.

I feel terribly for people who struggle with this problem. And I hope some compromise or resolution can come about, so they can get some peace.

To the OP: I hope things work out the way you want them to. Perhaps he will come around and welcome a new addition with open arms. At any rate, I hope you find peace with your situation.


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Quote:

I was referring to posts suggesting scooping semen and inseminating one's self, and those who pretend to take their B/C, and don't, thereby the "oops" happens. It DOES happen. Men do it too. I knew someone whose husband messed with her B/C Pills. Women have been known to poke holes in condoms and diaphragms. It happens.
It was I who suggested reinserting the semen and I do not think that it is the same as poking a hole in a condom or replacing birth control pills with placebos. Withdrawal is not considered a sure method so you are taking your chances anyway.

And for heaven's sakes, if you are going to leave semen all over our bed instead of in me, _when you know very well that I would like to create a child_, then you better believe that I will do with it as I please.







:


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

To the OP: I hope things work out the way you want them to. Perhaps he will come around and welcome a new addition with open arms. At any rate, I hope you find peace with your situation.[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much! I actually think he's very torn b/c he says "no more kids, no way" and then every once in awhile feels that he'd like more. He has anxiety issues and feels that we need more money to have more kids. He's trying to go for a better paying job and I asked him if he'd consider more if he got the job and he said definately. So, money's the problem here. (and where is it writtten that you have to pay for 100% of your kids college, etc. anyway? I think it make them better people to have to contribute something!) Actually he told me that even if he doesn't get the better paying job, he'd consider another child in 1-2 years. I just got off of a 1 year maternity leave so money's tight right now. Anyway, he didn't pull out 3 times last sat., so my thought are, "don't tell me you don't want anymore kids, and then not pull out!" In his heart, he really wants more, he's just afraid. I bought a pg test when we were at CVS the other day, and he told me "why are you even buying that test, I already KNOW you're pg!" and then in the car on the way home, he was like "well, at least I'd get to see that sexy swollen belly again!" Plus, I'm very horny when pg, so that's what he really is looking forward to!


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp* 
It was I who suggested reinserting the semen and I do not think that it is the same as poking a hole in a condom or replacing birth control pills with placebos. Withdrawal is not considered a sure method so you are taking your chances anyway.

And for heaven's sakes, if you are going to leave semen all over our bed instead of in me, _when you know very well that I would like to create a child_, then you better believe that I will do with it as I please.







:


I respectfully disagree about reinsertion not being the same as the others. But, I can hear what you are saying.

Truce?


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

cmlp- I think what you are missing is that even if the man "should" have been more responsible or was rude to withdraw IYO, the result will potentially destroy a marriage. So, yes, a woman could win at blaming her ex-husband for not being more careful.

I disagree that knowingly and secretly inserting semen in your own vagina is his fault or responsibility...I just don't get your logic at all. How could you even play that off without lying? If you are so offended by the pull-out method than say so, don't do it and then say well you're a jerk and you deserve what you get (in this case a baby). I am not offended by the pull out method...it works for us. And, if it didn't, I would feel that he was completely culpable. Although, perhaps knowing how adament he is about not having another, maybe I should push for better birth control.

Marriages don't work with dishonestly and, secretly inserting semen into yourself, well, maybe you could convince yourself you didn't do anything but it would basically be the difference between sperm fertilizing egg or not...pretty big deal to me.


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

Quote:

I think what you are missing is that even if the man "should" have been more responsible or was rude to withdraw IYO, the result will potentially destroy a marriage. So, yes, a woman could win at blaming her ex-husband for not being more careful.
The fact of a one partner refusing the other partner a child can also destroy a marriage. Either one throws a big juggarnaut into it.

Quote:

I disagree that knowingly and secretly inserting semen in your own vagina is his fault or responsibility...I just don't get your logic at all. How could you even play that off without lying?
It has nothing to do with lying. The semen goes where it goes. Quite frankly, I am very doubtful that it would succeed in getting a woman pregnant as the woman would most likely not succeed in getting anything close enough to her cervix. If she did get pregnant, there is no telling what caused it. Maybe it was sperm on her fingers, maybe it was sperm that escaped during intercourse. The fact that she has decided to potentially _increase_ her chances of conceiving by inserting her fingers while he has decided to _decrease_ the chances of her conceiving by pulling out early for me makes the whole situation neutral.

In fact, perhaps the best solution is for the OP just to _do it in front of him_. That way there is no deception. He pulls out to decrease chances of conception. She reinserts to increase chances. And then maybe they talk it out, decide together on the _definitive_ way forward and take appropriate measures (i.e. vasectomy to end all potential future children or try to have another child).


----------



## mijumom (Feb 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp* 
The fact of a one partner refusing the other partner a child can also destroy a marriage. Either one throws a big juggarnaut into it.

Sure but at least you don't have another child in the middle! If whether or not to have a child is an impass, then I say either work it out or move on.

We're talking about human beings who deserve to be parented by two parents that want them not the products of some power struggle over who should get his/her way.

We can just agree to disagree on this one.


----------



## rareimer (Oct 20, 2003)

as tempting as it is to "oops" my husband, i would never do it. i see it as being exactly the same as him going and getting a vasectomy without my knowledge. either way, it is a permanent thing.

actually, that was how i got him to wait on the vasectomy. he was adamant about getting it done, and i was heartbroken. when he thought about it, he actually burst into tears, thinking of how much it would hurt me if he did this, while knowing that i didn't want him to. it would be like me poking holes in a condom. now he understands. and after seeing how much he realized that would hurt me, i know how much it would hurt him for me to sabotage things to create another baby, no matter how much i want one.

if we did actually have a legitimate oops, then i know he would step up and love that baby just as much as he loves our other two. but i couldn't live with myself if i sabotaged things to get to that goal...i wouldn't want a child to live with that shadow over their head.


----------



## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

Hi- I have not posted here much, but come over on occassion... this post really hit home for me, so I thought that I would post!

I have two healthy beautiful children which I adore. I would like to have one more child - it's almost as though I feel in my heart that I am meant to have one more child before I stop, I don't know why I feel this way, but I do!!

This is a burning and yearning feeling that gets worse at times and sometimes I can ignore it! Right now it's in full force and it's all that I can think about!!! I put off having the conversation with my dh for a long time after my son was born and finally had the conversation with dh a few months back about how I really wanted to have another one. He has very valid points as to why we should not have any more kids, but it doesn't make it better!! He says we already have two healthy kids who are getting older (13& 6) and we should just enjoy them. Plus, financially children are expensive and he wants to be able to give them everything they need/want. Okay, our kids are extremely spoiled and they do not need everything that they have!!! I am sure we would be fine financially, would just need to modify our spending a little more cautiously!!! So yes, he has valid points, but it just doesn't make me feel any better.

He has talked about getting the big "V", but everytime he talks about it, I end up in tears and he doesn't do it. We have always used withdrawal and it has NEVER failed us in the 14 years that we have used it. I would never intentionally get pregnant without his support, but I will say I often wish the WD method would fail for us!! We use this method during my fertile times as well. Oh, another important thing... it only took us "once" to conceive both of our children so I know I am very fertile.

What I don't understand is that I hear so many times how WD is referred to as pull and pray method and that so many people have unexpected pregnancies from this method... I really think it's that people are not using it correctly - otherwise I would think I would be one of those statistics!!

Also, on the post about scooping it up and putting it in there- I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind, it has... but I have never done that.

I am just so sad to think that there will be no more babies in my life and that I will never be pregnant again!!! I do dread being sick again, but oh the joy and miracle of producing and carrying a new life and then the children after that are so rewarding!! I don't know how to get passed this and just try to forget about trying for another... I know when I am ovulating each month (in fact am in my fertile phase right now) and I just wish that there was something I could do about it.

I have thought about bringing it up again to DH, but I know he would get upset and say the same thing again and I just can't bare it!!! I guess all that I can do is hope that god has a plan in mind for me and if he wants me to have anymore children he will help make it happen.


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

Oh gosh, honey... maybe he'll come around, you never know. i keep working on my dh. He is now saying "maybe one day". At least there's hope, right? Actually, I told him that he better get used to the idea of having one more, b/c I KNOW there is one more out there for me, I can FEEL it. The thought of not having anymore truly hurts our hearts. Good luck. Oh yeah, also, we've used the pull out method our whole relationship (11 yrs!) and I've NEVER gotten pg from it, either! I keep hoping it'll fail us also, by the grace of God.


----------



## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

OK, I just POAS... it's positive. Holy s**t... I'm pregnant. I can't believe it... I'm in shock. I never thought an "oops" would ever happen to me. I always wanted it to, but I didn't think it'd happen (other 2 were very planned). Of course I'm happy, dh is in shock. We agreed that we would maybe try for another next year (after he told me adamently that he didn't want another, he finally agreed to maybe considering it next year). Timing isn't the best right now, but I really believe it's "meant to be". (We dtd after ovulation time and it still happened.) Anyway, I believe in God's timing, and that God's timing is always "right" whether we agree or not... it truly is for the best. I feel so blessed. Good luck to everyone! (cross-post in july ddc and tww)


----------



## bethy (Nov 10, 2005)

Congratulations!









Wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

(I hope this happens to me someday!)


----------



## Birth Junky (Jun 14, 2004)

Wow--what a roller-coast of a thread!









Congratulation, OP . . . sounds like it was meant to be.


----------



## moms3kids (Aug 16, 2006)

awsome congratulations to you!!!!







i can't wait to be TTC again... oh the wait is awful, i can't imagine a year wait, i just have to wait till 1/1 and it's seems so long! LOL


----------



## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Birth Junky* 
Wow--what a roller-coast of a thread!









Congratulation, OP . . . sounds like it was meant to be.

ITA!!! I read the first post and then caught the positive pg test in OP's siggy, i knew i had to keep reading!!

Congratulations OP!


----------



## BlissP (Jun 24, 2005)

First off...CONGRATS on the pregnancy! I hope it all goes well for you...it's often a shock when one is not "trying", but it really sounds like your DH was up for it the whole time, but just anxious.

I can really relate to the feelings here. I am 5-6 weeks away from delivering my second son. I also have two stepsons (ages 6 and 8) whom I adore, and my first son who is two. WE HAVE A LOT OF TESTOSTERONE IN THIS HOUSE!









But I digress. My DH really wants this to be our last one. I can understand where he's coming from...he's an only child of an only child, and never in a million years did he see himself as the father of four. When we planned to get married, I told him that I loved his boys, but I definitely wanted children of my own. He said fine. I said by "children" I mean more than one. He said fine. Well, he feels he has lived up to his end of the bargain (by providing me with two) and while he is very excited about the arrival of this baby (and has been all along), he feels four is enough.

I hate to be thinking this way when my sweet babe isn't even here yet, but I just don't feel done. I have really hoped for a daughter (though it's starting to look like DH's Y chroms are just too strong...








)but it's not even that...I love my boys, I am just not ready to be done baby making. I have had somewhat difficult pregnancies (signficant gestational diabetes with both, and they now feel I have developed Type II) so that is an added burden, plus I will be close to 36 when I deliver this one. But I LOVE the whole process, and I love children.

I have elicited DH's promise to wait until our baby is one year old before he gets his vasectomy. My plan is to really work on a couple of things in that year - my health (making sure this time I lose all the baby weight in hopes of not being an insulin dependent diabetic), my household organization (this place doesn't exactly run smoothly all the time), my care of him (making sure that his physical/emotional needs are being met, whether I am tired, nursing, whatever), attention to our finances (we could waste a lot less $$). I am hoping in so doing that one of two things will happen - (1) he will feel like we are capable of handling another, or (2) I will come to a place of peace with our family as it is. But I do feel like he needs to be on board with it all...I would never want to put a child in the position of being resented. That said...I can still hope for an oops.









Meanwhile, I just HAVE to focus on the joy of Henry's impending arrival, rather than being sad about "this is the last time I will feel a baby kick, this is the last time I will prepare a nursery, etc., etc.)


----------

