# What do you mean that's "unhealthy" for me?



## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Sorry for this, but I have to vent somewhere, and I bet you ladies understand.

I am so tired of people telling me what they think is or is not "healthy" for me. If I want to have a bear that wears my son's clothes, fine. If I want to make his grave a happy, special place instead of a depressing spot of dirt, fine. If I want to pour over my son's medical records, fine. If I want to cry for a week or sing silly songs, fine. You lose your first born son, have the entire world yanked from under your feet, and then I may listen to your opinion of what is and is not healthy for me. Until then, thank you for caring and being concerned for me. But please, please, back off.

Arg!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh Rachele,

I am so, so sorry that you are getting this junk. The longer that goes by, the more I realise that most people are completely inept around those grieving - particularly, I think, those who are grieving a child. I think most people's hearts are in the right place but sadly their hearts don't always connect with their mouths.

I've said it before but it's worth repeating - I am in awe of how you are coping in the aftermath of this horrible, horrible thing. The things you are doing are GOOD things because they are helping you to find your way through this.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

OH my god! Are people really giving you a hard time about this?! I'm disgusted! How dare they even TRY to imagine what you are going through. However YOU need to handle things is how you should.. this isn't about them. It's about you and your husband and the love you have for Gideon. Please just continue doing what you need to do to grieve properly. No use in bottling up all these emotions, so they can bring you down worse in the future. Big hugs to you!


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

You keep on doing whatever you need to do to grieve, mama.

BTW, nothing you are doing sounds at all unusual or unhealthy!? Some people just don't get it.









Big hugs!


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

My exMIL lost her son when he was 19 years old in an ATV accident. She grieved obviously for about 6 months, but privately for much longer. It took her *10 YEARS* to be able to handle his birthday again without retreating to her room for a week. She still cries on his birthday, 15 years later....


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I am so, so sorry that you are getting this junk. The longer that goes by, the more I realise that most people are completely inept around those grieving - particularly, I think, those who are grieving a child. I think most people's hearts are in the right place but sadly their hearts don't always connect with their mouths.

Jill nailed it! You grieve however long you need to, however you want!


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaSomeday* 
Sorry for this, but I have to vent somewhere, and I bet you ladies understand.

I am so tired of people telling me what they think is or is not "healthy" for me. If I want to have a bear that wears my son's clothes, fine. If I want to make his grave a happy, special place instead of a depressing spot of dirt, fine. If I want to pour over my son's medical records, fine. If I want to cry for a week or sing silly songs, fine. You lose your first born son, have the entire world yanked from under your feet, and then I may listen to your opinion of what is and is not healthy for me. Until then, thank you for caring and being concerned for me. But please, please, back off.

Arg!

Rachele I am so sorry to hear this.







I have been right where you are now..even having the same things said to me. I just do not understand how people can be so insensitive (even if they mean well). You have every right to grieve however you need to..your son deserves that.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I'm board jumping 'cause I saw it on the new posts and couldn't NOT say something. JIMHO the only unhealthy thing would be to listen to whomever tells you this crud.

You need to do WHATEVER you need to do to grieve, heal...the whole nine.

The nerve of anyone to tell a grieving mama how to feel, what to do, what to think?? Grrrrrr....

Keep taking care of you mama,








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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Don't listen to them.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Don't listen to anyone... people try and liken losing a child to the loss of an adult and they have no commonality. There is no RIGHT way to grieve, so you keep doing whatever you gotta do to get by. And hugs!


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

People should always be allowed to grieve in whatever way they need! Whether it is the loss of a parent, child, spouse, or anyone else, noone knows the "right" way for them to grieve except them.

You have my support to grieve however you want. Huge hugs!


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry you're getting flak from others. If you feel up to it then tell them that you are grieving in a healthy way and until they've gone through the loss of their first born all you expect to hear from them is support and not criticism. It might feel good to tell them that you love them and appreciate their concern but they really need to do more research on grief instead of assuming how one should feel.

I totally agree that grieving the loss of a child is totally different from grieving the loss of a parent, grandparent, etc.

This isn't something I will ever "get over." I'm learning how to live with it and incorporate it into my life. I won't always be as sad all the time but the pain will always be there.

Hugs to you. Keep on doing what you're doing and feeling what you need to feel when you feel it.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i feel the same, if they have lost their first born then they can tell you how THEY cope with things. Even then they still aren't going to alllll be the exact same ways you cope. Whatever you do-that helps you cope and doesn't hurt your other kids, then that IS healthy. My sister in law tried to tell me that having another baby so soon after my 2nd trim loss was unhealthy. But that was after she asked us for money and we said no, because we were going to have a child in the soon future. Just because we lost our child doesn't mean we stopped saving money for a future one, not to mention our life in general. People are just insane. Don't let them get you down. So, go ahead and listen to those sad songs (i sure did), cuddle that bear at night, pour over those records, do whatever you need to do to grieve.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

There is no more "normal" or "healthy" for us. We can only do what we have to do to get by day to day. Don't listen to them, you do what you know you need to do.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Even some of the neonatal loss books say that some moms dress a bear (I've got my "Fiona Bear" my bff got me in the hospital wearing the outfit Fiona was in, with her blanket, in a wicker basket 'cradle' by my bed), rock a stuffed animal/photo/urn, these people really need to stop thinking they know it all.


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## layla983 (Oct 8, 2007)

I also saw this in the new threads section (or whatever it's called) & wanted to reply.

What's not healthy is for people to tell you how THEY think you should grieve. I cannot stand when people do this to people, it does nothing but put added stress on them & sometimes I've seen people even feel shame over grieving. I knew a very nice, kind woman whose son died in a car accident when was just 18. She went weekly to the site & prayed for him, it made her feel better. Through that she was able to do her daily activites & process it basically. It was helping her. She finally stopped because after a few weeks people started telling her she should stop, let it go, blah blah blah. After that, she went into a deep depression, quit her job, the works. She was made worse because she felt like then she was just trying to forget her son. It was heartbreaking. She & her husband finally moved out of town about a year after her son passed.

Please do NOT let people try to tell you what's healthy. Like I said, what is healthy is what works for YOU. If they wouldn't do the same, so be it. They are lucky not to be dealing with the heartache that you are dealing with & if anything, should be supporting you. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard, but please try not to allow these people to get to you.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Thanks so much for the reassurance everyone.







I know the people telling me these things (my mom and dad, etc) care for me and are doing what they can to help me. Usually, it helps me to know they care, even if they are a bit misguided, but I just had an overload the other day.

It's so wonderful to have a place like this to talk to you all.


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## whitneymum (Dec 29, 2008)

no one should ever tell a mama how to love their baby let alone how to miss him. Do what you need and remember there's a bunch of folks here that support you.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I am so sorry.

Perhaps the next time someone says something like this, you could ask them what they did to get through the death of a child. When they start to stutter and sputter because I am assuming these people have never been through something like you have, then tell them when they know what it feels like they can start giving you advice.


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