# toddler aggressive toward me and new baby



## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

I had my second 2 months ago. She is a great baby, BFing on demand and cosleeping. Her brother is 26 months and can go from loving to hating in a wink. He will smack, pinch, and kick her when he gets a chance...usually when I am holding her or am in close proximity. I love him so much, but have been trying to defend my DS and can on occasion really let him have it. I am worried that I am sliding away from the gentle discipline track. Someone help me! What can I do to curb his aggression, and to let him know he hasn't been replaced?

Thanks!

Darcy, mom to Mara







(2 months) and Dillon







(26 months)


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I know this will not work for everyone- but it totally worked for me. I treated my toddler as if she were the twin of the infant.

Some might have greater expectations, but in my heart I knew my baby didn't ask for a sibling. When we were altogether, I simply pretended they were twins. If the baby/toddler did something 'inappropriate', I went and took care of them both

I don't expect that walking talking babies are all that mature--esp when they have a new sib who totally outranks them in cute. All i can tell you is that my 'twins' are now 11 & 12 and are *extremely mature*, don't fight, and are best friends. YMMV, of course.

I just never assumed 2 yr olds were not extremely, extremely, and totally & completely **needy**. I never expected anything from my walking infant that i didn't expect from my newborn infant. I just don't see what two yr olds have learned compared to two week olds. We're talking spending the first two years on motor skills and not much on emotional skills. I am all for cutting them slack. Toddlers are very needy, even when they aren't an older sibling. When toddlers have younger sibs, their needs are sometimes deemed 'inappropriate' and they are seen as naughty.

My 'advice', when you're not doing, or don't feel comfortable with the twin thing, is to try and plug in with all your family, all your resources and find fun things and loving people for the toddler as the needs of the new baby are being met, or to help you so you can have some time with the toddler. It probably won't keep all the behaviors from happening , but at least you will have some time together that is relaxed.

Creating a little village can help-- A fun afternoon at the park with a loved auntie or friend or whoever, will do a world of good. Maybe an afternoon or two with a same-age friend. Playdates are often helpful for both toddlers and mothers. Toddlers need time where they are not thought of as naughty--where they are not tempted to touch the new, perfect, vulnerable baby. They need people to take the heat off mama, so they can still feel they rock--even though the baby seems more important right now. Even toddlers need special, fun activities, and loving others in their lives when mama is consumed by the needs of the new babe.

Simply because you're two whole years older (nothing if you assume most Americans live until past 80) than the new baby, does not mean you have enough life experience to manuever your way through such a mine field.
If we think about how newborns can bring an adult to their knees, we should also have compassion for the toddler who is also brought to his knees. She goes from being the world to being....big and mean and hulking. It's a tough step down.

edited to limit all the rambling.


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## pixiexto (Mar 6, 2003)

wonderful post, PP.

OP,







The transition is manifested by different toddlers through different behaviors, from what I've seen. My own DD is going to be 3 next month and we have a 5 month old. She has increased in whininess and sensitivity since DD #2 was born, and I've found that what's worked best for us is focusing on my relationship with DD #1. That has become my mantra when things are rough ~ _"focus on the relationship.... focus on the relationship"_ It's not a magic cure-all, but I have found that it's been tremendously helpful in keeping my own attitude positive, which so important IMO.

I think what no one tells you, and certainly I did not expect, is that my relationship with DD #1 took a bit of a hit when DD #2 arrived. Simply put, I was beginning to feel cross, irritated and basically DE-ttached from our first born. How awful and guilty I felt about that! How is it that in the blink of an eye my precious one could take, as the PP said, such a "step down"? The first step for me was letting go of the guilt and viewing this as a rather "normal" part of the transition, and then immediately I began to do all I could to renew my attached relationship with DD #1 ~ slinging her, taking baths with her while DH looked after baby, pulling her into my arms for a hug when things were going their worst. So far, I can say that it seems to REALLY have helped. Sure, she still whines....she's almost 3, for goodness sake! But I find that my own attitude has shifted, I feel the attachment & it allows me to parent intuitively. I still am working on patience, but I feel more positive about everything.

Best wishes to you all.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I agree that you need a giant hug. There's nothing easy about what you are going through. I wish all women a good support system- someone close to the family who can lend a respectful hand as everyone adjusts. We all need loving people around us as we learn new ways of being together and loving each other.

I agree with the above poster- you're normal and your child is normal. It's nature's way to have the mother's energy go to the newborn. It's one important reason we need friends and others who can be available. The needs of the toddler doesn't change, which is why having others around to help the mother and toddler is important.

It will get easier.


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I am feeling better just reading your posts.

I love the mantra...focus on the relationship! I am using it now as I type!

Today has been great so far. We do the park first thing and that usually means DS gets most of my attention as DD is asleep in the sling. He seems not to notice her so much.
I know it will get better and that so long as I stay patient and loving one day they will be loving and have a great time together!

Blessings!


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## Rainbowbird (Jul 26, 2004)

I just went thru this with DS, 28 mos. DD is 5 weeks old. Last week I noticed we were finally starting to turn the corner. He had been very aggressive toward her. I could not even think of setting her down in the same room with him. Heck, I couldn't even SIT in the same room with him and hold her on my lap. He would come over and try to hit her, pinch her, pull her leg HARD, etc. At 38 lbs. I was and still am afraid he would do her serious injury.

But those behaviors are much reduced now, thank goodness. Like the other PPs, I found that finding ways to pay extra attention to him helped. Whenever DH could watch DD, I would take DS somewhere special, just the two of us. I also noticed, as you did, that when DD was slinged he hardly noticed her. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess!

Finally, being aware of my own feelings really helped. I also realized that my feelings toward DS were changing. He had been the center of my universe, now suddenly I had my darling DD who I needed to nurture and protect. And it seemed like DS was infringing on my right and my need to mother her appropriately! Being aware of my feelings of resentment toward him was hard and sad but it helped me to find ways to renew my relationship with him and realize that he was still my baby, too.

Good luck! It is going to get better. I'm sure the timeframe all depends on the child but I don't know anyone who isn't enjoying their kids after a few months. HTH!


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## Bleu (Mar 6, 2004)

I have a son about the same age and NO new baby, and Bleuet's doing the same thing. Kicking, biting, scratching, pinching -- did I miss anything? Oh yeah, head-bonking. I pretty much want to leave him by the side of the road!

So, no advice, except to say I think it's developmentally normal and, though of course we have to parent them through it so that other people will be able to be in their company without killing them, don't take it all on as a result of your parenting / demoting the toddler with a newborn / shift in family dynamic / etc. It sucks, it's normal, it's just about universal. And (please god) it will be over soon. <-- please tell me that's true!


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