# Co-Sleeping - What do you say to the in-laws???



## Anguschick1 (Jul 25, 2003)

DS is 10 weeks old and we are happily sleep-sharing. We have realized that my in-laws do not agree with this....the problem is that they keep asking us when he's going to sleep in his crib. Honestly, at this point, we're not sure if we'll ever use the crib or if he'll stay with us until he moves to a toddler bed.

For instance, yesterday, at Sunday-Dinner, I was once again interrogated regarding a) how long does he sleep at night (we've gotten to the point where neither of us is fully awake to feed, so I have no clue how often we're feeding at night) b) when we were going to move him to his crib (according to sil, we'll be able to "finally get some sleep") and c) when will we be leaving him to go on our "overnight" so that Grandma can watch him.

First, they never ask these questions when DH is around, so he half thinks I'm crazy when I tell him what they've said, and second, I'm assertive and while I believe in "straight talking," my in-laws are not. They don't talk to you when they have issues, they talk in the next room loud enough for you to hear. If you try to resolve conflict by talking with the person who appears to have the issue, they laugh it off and tell you that either they never said it or that you are over-reacting....ARGH! Any advice on how to respond to these questions? Any and all suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

well, since being direct doesn't seem to be effective with them, I'd resort to being evasive, lol. Start ignoring the questions, changing the subject, talk about something else as if you didn't even hear them ect. It isn't really any of their business anyway, right?

I sometimes come right and ask, "why do you care?" but somehow don't that would work with your ILs.


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## wombat (Nov 3, 2002)

I think the vague approach works best. I am just vague most of the time so it's easy - I was thinking about a crib, maybe a co-sleeper from Arm's Reach, then ended up getting a SnuggleNest. Did all this thinking aloud in front of MIL. Then maybe I'll get around to getting a crib, but it doesn't fit in my apartment, well maybe when we move... oh we've moved but dd is already 6 mo, it hardly seems worth paying $500 for a crib when in another year she'll be in a bed... and she's not crawling yet so she's ok in the bed and when she's crawling, yes we'll do 'something', maybe move the mattress onto the floor or maybe we'll get a crib...

I also think reassuring them that other people DO DO this and you're are not the only odd bird. Suggest they read Dr. Sears books, tell em it's the new Dr Spock.


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## Ione (Jul 22, 2002)

I got all these questions from my in-laws too, many times since DD was born (she'll be 7mo this coming Friday)... but they've stopped asking and I'm *not* gonna bring up the subject 'cause I really don't want to know what they think of it...

Anyway, my answers are below. I didn't say all of it every time, just parts each time... or something nearly identical... but if you put all my "answers" together, you get the below--all always given with a jolly but self-depreciating laugh, big smile, and (I suspect this is the key) total confidence (usually fake at first but it grows on you the more you fake it):

a) how long does he sleep at night (we've gotten to the point where neither of us is fully awake to feed, so I have no clue how often we're feeding at night):
_Oh, DD sleeps all night! I don't, of course... she still eats lots but if I feed her before she wakes fully, she usually stays asleep. (She starts squriming and trying to suck the matress when she's hungry, it's soo cute!) Anyway... if I get a boob to her quick enough, I'm the only one not sleeping 8 hours straight... Luckily, I hardly ever wake fully anymore and couldn't tell you how many times she eats at night... I just find a boob hanging out in the morning. <laugh>_

b) when we were going to move him to his crib (according to sil, we'll be able to "finally get some sleep")
_When DD stops needing to nurse at night--I'm not dragging my carcase out of bed at all hours unless I have to. Too lazy! <smile and laugh> No way I'm giving up the closest thing I've got to a good night's sleep for all of us just so DD can use her crib at night! The poor girl, luckily she's too young to know what she's missing not sleeping in her crib! <laugh>_

c) when will we be leaving him to go on our "overnight" so that Grandma can watch him:
_Well, unless Grandma relactates in the near future, I figure that'll have wait until DD no longer needs to nurse at night!_ (You should have seen my MIL's face the one and only time I dared say the "relactate" part of this one--I usually stuck to "when she no longer needs to nurse at night"... priceless!)

If you happily make fun of yourself (just a little), they won't know what to do with you... and if you never get defensive, and never show the slightest self-doubt (you can only tease yourself when you don't doubt yourself!), well, if they're anything like my in-laws, I suspect they'll eventually stop asking because there's visibly no hope your answer'll change (probably'll brand you as "nuts" but who cares... that'll serve you in good stead for future parenting decisions... you know, that nutsy daghter-in-law who does the craziest things <shrug> and doesn't care about what she "should do"...), if you see what I mean.

Good luck with the in-laws!


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I like Ione's answer. I always use the part about sleeping the way we do it because I get the most sleep this way.

Don't forget to thank your ILs for their desire to be helpful. Maybe there is something else they can do for you that will make them feel needed and help them bond with the baby. Though they are being really indirect (and doing that divide and conquer thing, bleh!) tell them that you want them to do (insert activity) with you because you need help and you really want the baby to get to know and love his grandparents. Your baby's needs and yours come first, but you can make new grandparents very happy by including them in some activities.


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## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

Keep coming around here because you'll get lots of support especially in this particular situation bc so many of us can certainly relate. And at your dc's young age you'll have many more comments coming.

My dds are 4 years and 2 1/2 years. With the birth of dd1 I used to take the "being vague" route, blowing off the questions..changing the topic...laughing it off where I could.

But now I've taken more of a direct approach. Not to the point of being preachy, but the fact is I'm proud that we cosleep...."extended" (and in my case, tandem) nurse.....
If someone asks, I tell...and proudly so. There's nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of that you listen to your babies true needs.

If someone "picks an arguement" with you than either face it head on politely, or back off realizing that their behavior is really quite rude. Deep down I think most people who don't parent this way are defensive bc they feel quilty.

It takes a delicate balance of tact and confidence to take on all the ignorance that's out there regarding babies/children. Keep following your heart no matter what others say to you. You'll never regret it.


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## cinnamonamon (May 2, 2003)

Ione has it down! And at 10 weeks, I think I left my baby for about 1 1/2 hours with my dh, mil & aunt & grandma-in-law watching him (all 4 at once... :LOL). Around 5 - 6 months I've become comfortable with leaving him with family members whom I totally trust to attend to him quickly & lovingly (none of this cio crap "since mamma spoils him" -- yes, there is a couple in my fam who would do this).

That said, I've only done this once so far to go with my dh to see a movie. It went wonderfully -- I think Ian got more attention than if he had been with me (it was my burnt-out time of the day)! I also took 10 minutes to give instructions & left 3 times the amount of ebm he would need! :LOL


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Tell them your dh insists on co-sleeping, so they should ask him.

I've also been known to falsely invoke 'the doctor.' As in: The doctor says it is healthiest to nurse on demand throughout the night. The doctor says co-sleeping is actually safer than a crib because I am there to monitor him/her.

I get this kind of stuff too from my in-laws about cosleeping and nursing, but they have finally stopped asking because I think they got bored of my answer. My answer to all their questions was: I don't know.

How long will you cosleep/breastfeed? I don't know.
How long does he sleep at night? I don't know.
When will we be leaving him overnight with Grandma? I don't know.

And in essence, this is a totally truthful answer. Yes, I could elaborate, and would with people who are actually interested in learning how and why I parent the way I do, but it doesn't sound like this is the intention of your inlaws or mine.


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## Sasha_girl (Feb 19, 2003)

My 4 and 2 year olds still spend most nights next to me in bed. When it's brought up how long they will do so I say, "Until they don't need to anymore."

I'm not exactly rude about it, but I use a tone of voice that implies that I can't understand why they would ask such a question. And trust me, people will ask anything. I've heard, "Don't you ever have sex?" To which I reply, "Four pregnancies in five years? Yes, we have sex. But I'd watch eating directly off the kitchen table if I were you." Which isn't true, we don't DTD on the table, but it's a good comeback to a none-of-your-business question.

We also hear, "Won't they sleep with you forever?" I just smile and say, "I draw the line at their honeymoon and I will never live in a dorm again!"

As for spending all night at g'ma's house, I just say, "Grandma, there's no room for me, you, and two kids in your bed. Maybe they can spend the day with you instead."


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## Anguschick1 (Jul 25, 2003)

Thank you everybody! We go to the same ped, so "the doctor suggested it" won't work, but now I have my "script" to use. What I don't understand is how could something that comes so naturally to us as parents be construed as dangerous or wrong to others. But you can't ask people to agree with you, just to respect your right to be different.

I'm SO glad that I found the Mothering magazine and subsequently, these boards....your validation and support is priceless. Thank you again.


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## Spookygirl (Sep 14, 2002)

You go Sasha! You and I have the same attitude! I try to come up with something cute, since I firmly believe I don't have to justify my parenting style to anyone, especially in-laws.

I heard someone before say that they use the "bean dip method".

In-law- "Does she still sleep with you?"
me- "Why yes she does, but I expect she will move out into her own dorm room for college, would you like some bean dip?"

In-law- "Are you still nursing that baby?"
me- "No, not at the moment, would you like some bean dip?"

And so on


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)




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## angmul (Sep 23, 2002)

The answers you have received so far have been great. Ione, you really crack me up. I don't know if I ever could have said "relactate" to my MIL. LOL!

Another good one when people ask rude questions is just to say "the baby's doing great. Thanks for asking" and change the subject.


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## Ione (Jul 22, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by angmul_
*I don't know if I ever could have said "relactate" to my MIL.*
Well, to be perfectly honest, I only dared say it *once*... but come to think of it, that was the last time anyone asked me that question...









And, of course, my ILs are all French so all of those answers were given in French and since I don't know "relactate" in French, I literally said: "starts producing mother's milk again" but that had about the same effect as "relactate" would have had in English!


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## gurumama (Oct 6, 2002)

My MIL cosleeps with my kids when they spend the night or when she puts them to bed while we're on a date!

Thankfully my SIL wore her down on the issue--no cribs in the family for any of the 5 grandchildren!--so it isn't even an issue.

MIL DOES seem to think that we never have sex because we family bed, though. She made a comment in an email to the entire family recently, to which I replied "HEY! HEY THERE! You don't even want to GO there. We did manage to produce a second child. Besides, we're creative--we have 5 rooms in or apartment!"


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## puppytails (Feb 7, 2002)

It absolutely BURNS me when my FIL asks me about it--and he does it over the phone to me (not my dh). I do the vague approach and tell him if he has questions about our co-sleeping he needs to ask my dh. I don't have a MIL, so I don't get the overnight pressure (thank god--because that question causes me to become overwhelmingly RUDE). We don't even own a crib, so we pretty much get crap from everyone about co-sleeping. At this point we enjoy making people squirm, though







Happy sleep-sharing to you guys!


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## TEAK's Mom (Apr 25, 2003)

You've gotten great advice so far. I'm still thinking about the effect of telling my MIL to relactate...hee hee

Something else to remember is that, most of the time, it gets better. In six months, they will either get sick of discussing it, or they will start bragging about your family bed. Seriously, when they see how secure your ds is, they could start preaching. They might claim credit, but you can just nod and smile...

I do wish you could see my pediatrician. He is a huge family bed supporter!

Hang in there!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

moving this to the Nighttime Parenting forum...


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## happykat (Dec 24, 2002)

Teak's mom is right on! My family and dh's family were a little freaked out by our "methods", but now are fully supportive. We often hear "look how happy he is" and "you guys are doing a great job with him". It is nice...but it did take about 9 months.

I also get great milage out of the "when ds is ready, would you like some bean dip" method for those folks who just won't back off.

And being the nutty daughter in law has its advantages too! My MIL and I have a good relationship, because I'm "out" about how crazy we do things in our family. But I've heard some funny "my nutty daughter-in-law" stories second hand - and they are quite funny.

happykat


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## martiesmom (Jun 27, 2003)

Em:

Please stand your ground with this against MIL. DD has transitioned to the crib because A) she no longer needed to nurse at night B) she was smacking me in the face in the middle of the night [going to get a king size bed for next baby].

MIL would hound me constantly about this topic and demanded that I put a rocking chair in the nursery so that I would leave DD in the crib. She also sent me a Dear Abby article about how a child died in the bed of parents (of course it didn't say how the child died). She made me feel that having DD in bed with us was me being lazy. So I felt very guilty towards the end of DD sleeping with us and I cried a lot.

I believe that sleep sharing is vital in bonding, establishing a good nursing routine, and a good night's sleep.

Stand your ground. YOU are doing what's best for your child.


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## ChristieB (Jun 17, 2003)

I wish I had Ione's attitude in dealing with my ILs! I take things way too seriously. My ILs weren't so concerned about the family bed, but they were pretty worried that ds didn't cry enough to develop his lungs







. Can you believe it?? He was so happy that they couldn't complain about much else. Plus, they have been critical of me for years, so dh put his foot down long ago telling them that either they stop criticizing or they don't visit. It has helped (they still criticize, but not nearly as much). And if your ILs cause you too much stress, I recommend that your dh talk to them. He'll know better how to communicate with them, since he's got a long-standing relationship with them. But don't bother unless it becomes a real problem.

I'm really going to start using Ione's style more.







I love it!! And I could really see it working well with my FIL, especially.

And it's true that they'll probably come around after awhile when they see how happy and healthy your child is. My ILs did (and they're stubborn!).

Good luck.

Christie


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