# I'm not sure if this is the best forum for this...



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I just registered here a few days ago. I've been needing to talk to someone who will actually understand everything that's happened where my kids are concerned, and haven't been sure where to go. I think MDC is the right forum, but I'm not sure of which sub-forum. I've thought about this one, the infertility one, and the VBAC one...finally decided on here. I think I may end up rambling a bit, so please bear with me...

I've always wanted four kids. I got pregnant for the first time in 1992 (I was 24) - it was the first time my ex and I had skipped the birth control, and I was afraid it might take months, as I'd been on the pill for quite a long time. Instead - WHAM. I was pregnant instantly, knew it within a couple of days and had a dream pregnancy. I did all the "right" things - watched what I ate, got exercise, didn't drink, etc., etc. I had other women tell me in a semi-joking fashion that they hated me...no morning sickness, no aches or pains, no cravings - just a total enjoyment of being pregnant. I couldn't have been happier.

I went into labour at 10:00 PM on March 18, 1993, but didn't even realize that it was labour. The pain was steady, and it very difficult to tell that I was actually having contractions at first. The pain was all in my back. I spent the whole night walking around my apartment trying to ease the backache...then realized I was bleeding and was in labour. I called my doctor's office, and they recommended coming to the hospital when the pains were 5 minutes apart. My husband, mom, sister and a friend were all with me, and I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing...although I wanted to eat to keep up my strength and couldn't face food. At about 6:00 the following day, my mom suggested that I go get checked out at the hospital as the contractions weren't regular, and the intervals didn't seem to be getting any shorter. To make a long story short, I checked in, got an exam, and they determined that my baby was breech - bum first. I spent several minutes crying on my ex, cursing and screaming that I didn't want a c/s. 40 minutes after I checked in, my baby boy was born by emergency c-section, while I was under general anaesthetic and missed the whole thing.

I felt robbed, I felt angry, I felt like a failure, I felt sad...I was depressed and in pain, and it was horrible. But, I had a beautiful little boy, and I tried to fight my way through it. My doctors said there was no indicators that I couldn't have a VBAC next time...

My ex and I began to try to conceive again in January, 1994. Nothing happened. I had a few tests, and nothing appeared to be wrong. I began to wonder if something had gone wrong with my section.

In early July, 1997, I finally conceived again. I was over the moon. Things weren't great with my husband, but we were still determined to work things out, and were ecstatic about the baby. We stayed ecstatic until I asked him to take me to emergency on September 30, because I was in so much pain that I couldn't even eat. I spent an hour by myself lying on a bed in a ward, and they confirmed that I'd lost my baby. I was completely devastated.

In February, 1998, I found I was pregnant again. I thought "great - whatever's been wrong with me is okay now". And, then I lost that baby on May 13th. Three pregnancies - one baby, by c/s.

Things went _really_ bad with my ex. He basically told me to get over it, because I was depressed and messed up. He was also doing serious drugs, which I found out _after_ we split up in early 2000.

In May, 2000, I became pregnant again, by my new boyfriend. I was again thrilled, and thought I had a good chance of keeping this one, as it was a different father, and I'd become convinced that my ex's drug use, and my marital stress, had caused the first two miscarriages. So, I was once more absolutely destroyed when I lost _this_ baby August, 2000. My b/f was living in TN, and I live in BC. So, it was hard time to go through.

My b/f moved here in 2001, and we got married as soon as my divorce came through. In September, 2002, I discovered I was pregnant again. I wasn't quite as thrilled this time, because I was sort of convinced that I was going to lose another one. But, I wasn't ready to give up. New Year's Eve was magical, because it was the first time in ten years that I'd made it past the 12 week mark. My due date was May 14th, and I was going to have a VBAC.

At my routine checkup on May 7th, the doctor couldn't find the baby's head. I went for an ultrasound, and discovered that this baby was also breech - feet first this time (she looked like she was dancing). The OB scheduled an "elective" c/s for May 9th. I was once again angry, depressed and felt completely robbed. I wanted to wait for labour and see if the baby turned (as my first had!!), but the OB said that it was very unlikely with a baby that size. So, I had my 10lb., 2oz. miracle baby by c/s on May 9th.

I'm now about...23 weeks pregnant with baby number three (or six, depending how you look at it), and the pregnancy has been just...black. My doctor has told me it will have to be ERCS, because I can't VBA2C, and I'll just have to "accept" it. I don't seem to be able to do that. I've been researching and will talk to my OB about VBAC, but I'm not sure how that will go, and I'm so fed up with everything going wrong (well, not everything, of course - I have two beautiful children). If the OB says no, I'm tempted to try a midwife, but I've only found one in my area, and I haven't even found out if she'll attempt a VBA2C. I'm very...messed up.

Okay...I'm not sure if spilling all this out has helped or not, but it's the first time I've really put it all together in a string like that. (My friends and family of course know the course of events.)

Thanks to any of you who read my ramble. I really needed to get it out.


----------



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Storm Bride,

Oh, how I can relate to where you're at right now! My first pregnancy ended with a c-section that I had worked very hard to avoid, then I had a miscarriage at nine weeks, followed by an ectopic at five weeks. When I was pregnant again (with my son who's now five), I planned a VBAC, but I had another c-section. When I got pregnant again, I was so desperate. I remember thinking that there was no good way for the baby to come out, because I didn't want another c-section, and yet couldn't imagine finding someone to help me VBAC. I urge you to sign up for ICAN's e-mail list. It is extremely high-volume, but there is so much good information and support there. I found two local midwives who supported me in my desire to homebirth after two c-sections. I had no hospital options at that point, because of policy changes about women who'd had two c-sections. On the surface, that pregnancy was a failure, because my baby was stillborn at full-term, I had another c-section, and my midwives ended up being horrendous. BUT, I did experience the confidence in myself that I could birth vaginally, and I did have the courage to walk away from the medical model. It was very healing for me to believe in my body. Even though I can't inspire other women by saying that I had an HBA2C, I will never forget the courage and determination it took for me to follow my heart during my pregnancy. If you are feeling that it's not right for you to sign up for another c-section yet, keep searching! Again, the ICAN list is the best resource out there. (ICAN=International Cesarean Awareness Network) You've been through a ton and it all takes its toll. Be gentle with yourself!


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Thank you so much. I think it really will help to talk to women who understand what I'm going through. (My sister once told me that me, my mom and SIL were "all pathetic", because she had birthed vaginally, and we had all had surgery.)

I can't even begin to imagine what a stillbirth would be like (although I'm terrified of the possibility), and I don't think I have the courage to home-birth. I know that most of the time things are okay, but if they're not, _that's_ where the medical part comes in.

I think that's the real problem. Medical interventions have their place in childbirth, but they're for when something actually goes wrong! Medical practice shouldn't be about second-guessing women's bodies and trying to make everything fit some kind of ideal model of childbirth. I've only laboured once, but I know every labour is different. My _miscarriages_ weren't even all the same, so how can doctors expect every baby to come into the world the same way???

I want no c/s, unless there really is a valid reason for it.
I want no induction.
I want no epidural (unless I have a c/s...I want to see the baby and have my husband there for the delivery).
I want to be mobile.

Other than that, I don't really have any solid birth plan. I think childbirth is too unpredictable and too personal to try to predict...


----------



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Okay, I have heard some pretty awful comments related to my miscarriages and stillborn baby. But, honestly, that "pathetic" comment about having c-sections just might take the cake. I have never heard of someone putting down other women for having had c-sections. Wow.

I think you're right-on about each birth being so different. This is exactly the spot I'll be in if we have another baby, because I would want to combine the best of both, not have to automatically have a c-section, and not be committed to a homebirth. I would love to have the different options lined up, (an OB that I like, midwives that I like), and just see where the labor takes me. I wish there were more flexibility for those of us with multiple c-sections. Well, I guess these days even moms with one c-section don't have much flexibility, either.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm in Canada, and it sounds as though the anti-VBAC thing isn't quite as bad here (yet!) as it's recently become in the US. But, I'm sure it's heading that way. I do like the OB I'm dealing with, and it's somewhat reassuring to know that he's the best surgeon in my area. If it does go to another c/s, I'd rather have it done by the best!! I think my first surgeon was a bit of a hack, by comparison.

Well, it's pretty obvious my sister had her own issues, but at the time it was like a kick in the teeth. She'd just had her first baby, after quite a rough labour (the nurses were _horrible/i] to her - one even told her to stop "whining" about the pain - my sister had chlamydia scars that tore during labour). I went in to see how she was, expecting her to be just over-the-moon, and her first words were about how pathetic the rest of us were for having had surgery. It made me particularly furious on my mom's behalf, honestly. My brother was born in '63. The OB in attendance (not her regular doctor, who was sick) waited 56 hours to perform the surgery, because he was Catholic, and at that time a c-section meant no more than two more babies. My grandfather and the anaesthesiologist were both on the verge of coming to blows...my mom was 18, and was in hard labour for almost two days...they gave her heroin twice, and she nearly died. I guess we've come a long way since then, at least!!

I want one more child after this (still hoping for that four!!), and if this one is VBA2C, I think I could even live with another section if it became necessary. But, I really want to experience a birth. The medical community says that a woman who gives birth by c-section is still giving birth, but I really don't feel that way about it._


----------



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Have you checked out the VBAC forum here at MDC? Good information and support there.

Good luck as you examine your options during this pregnancy!


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Well, I saw the OB last week. He's hesitant about a VBA2C, but also doesn't want to rule it out. So, he's going to consult with me again in June (about 34 weeks), and arrange an ultrasound to check out the position of the baby and the thickness of the uterine wall. Then, we'll discuss my options again. He's really a good doctor, and I'm awfully glad he was so reasonable about this...


----------



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Stormbride-
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I have read your thread a few times. I have delivered 3 boys vaginally, but I think it would be a different story if I went to an OB. My mother has been a maternity nurse for 25 years and after talking to my midwives said if I had been going to an OB I would have been sectioned. My older sister is going to try to go for a VBAC this time and I am trying to encourage her, so your story has been inspirational. I hope all goes well for you, and you get the delivery you want, but no matter what outcome your delivery takes, I mostly pray for your happy birth to a healthy baby. Please let us know here, as we don't often get a happy story on this discusion group. Also I am so very sorry for the babies you have lost. I wonder how you have had the courage to try again, because I would like to have 4 also, but am so scared to lose another baby. Any advice?


----------

