# Nurturing older children:



## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

My household has been abuzz with drama and I called my Mom today just to chat. As we pulled off layers we got to the heartbreak and she told me that it's all about nurturing. She started to explain and my phone died.
I was driving around, and her words were settling into my being.
They held that uncomfortable fuzz of truth, so I started thinking more on this.
I'm very very good at nurturing babies and Dh....but not good at all when it comes to the older kids.
I'm overwhelmed to begin with- and they are almost self sufficent- or they are annoying the crap out of me, so I tend to not nurture them with the same emphasis that I put on the other members of my family.
That sucks to realize.
So I'm asking in all openess how you nurture an older child.
One that most likely dosen't want to spend much time with you.







:
I've been shot down so many times in the past that I guess I sorta gave up.
For instance. If I know Ariah is having a hard time, in the past I might put her in the car and take her shopping-which would led her to throw a fit the entire way there because she wanted to hang out with her friends. And then we fight because she wants clothing that I don't want to spend money on......you get the picture.







:
I have ideas on how how, when and where to spend some extra time with them- at least a few ideas. Feel free to address these. What I'm really looking for are little ways around them to support them.
Like tea when you have a cold.
A cleaned room.
Really LOOK at the papers they are throwing out of their backpacks and all over the living room instead of yelling "what the hell?!".








Anyway.....I'm not good at this.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My kids LOVE it when I take them out to dinner, just me and one of them alone. Not to McD's either, but a nice sit down restaurant. I let them pick where and when, I try to go once a month with one of them so they each get to go every 3 months.

I also like to tuck them in at night. I just knock on their door and go in and sit on their bed for a minute to gauge their mood, then stay and talk if they seem to want it, and if not I just kiss their forehead, say good night, I love you, and go out and shut the door. I don't do this every night for each of them, but I try to as much as possible. Sometimes the tuck ins turn into the BEST talks! If they're up past my bedtime I go to them and kiss them goodnight. Some nights they pile into bed with me to watch TV and we snuggle.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Older kids want basically the same things as younger kids, attention and caring. They like to talk about the things that interest them without being forced or judged. As much as I hate video games, I listen to my ds talk about them without making comments any comments about them. It makes no sense to me and I'm honest about that but he really appreciates that I'm just listening.

They like to have things done for them even if they can do them themselves. Make sure it's something they want you to do, though. Don't clean your dd's room if she doesn't want you in there. That will only make her mad (talking from experience). My ds does his own laundry most of the time but I ask him if he has any clothes he wants me to wash when I'm doing laundry. Do things for them without any expectation of appreciation or reciprocation.

Let them choose the what and when of doing things together. Be ready to stop whatever you're doing at any time to pay them attention when they request it, even if it inconveniences you (but don't show that it inconveniences you). I have to force myself to get back up out of bed after getting my little ones to sleep so I can be available to talk to my 16yo. That's the time he's open and receptive so I have to take advantage of that since I'm the one who wants the relationship to be good. If you absolutely can't give them attention when they want it, try to arrange a time that works for both of you.


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

I think it's important to relate to kids (any age!) in the way that is best for them, instead of something you think will be fun. I'm sure when you think about girly time it's tempting to immediately go for shopping, but it seems that's a stressful thing for your dd and not relaxing as you'd want.

What relaxes your dd and makes her happy? Is it something you can join in on in a small way? When I was in high school, I used to watch the most ridiculous television shows--Beverly Hills, 90210 was the worst. We had multiple television sets in the house, yet my parents used to watch the show every week with me. They knew all the characters and would drop references to the show into conversation. For Christmas my father bought me 90210 perfume and we laughed and laughed.

Can you touch some part of your dd's life that is important to her and will give you some common ground? Try to fold yourself into the right shape to fit into some corner of her life, instead of expecting she'll be into the things you'd like her to do with you. It's a great success that you are even thinking about how to improve things, and I'm sure you'll find a way to do it!


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

I try and be present every single day. I also tell them I love them every single day. Also, food is a big way to nurture: I spend a lot of time getting fun quick teen type snacks. Also, accepting, loveing, encouraging: I find it is diffferent but to me not unlike the toddler years







I heard it once descibed as yo yo: connect, go away, come back. I feel being tuned in and responsive and as someone else shared,what they truly want. It is a balnce. I also find having a family council once a week to listen to any feedback and desires. Also, eating togeher at least once a week. Alsok,we like to have advnetures togeher-we just got back from a 2 day one and try to do that some (family trips)-having Thanksgiving here,etc. Sallie, mom to two great teens, 14.5 and 17


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smillerhouse* 
I spend a lot of time getting fun quick teen type snacks. Also, accepting, loveing, encouraging: I find it is diffferent but to me not unlike the toddler years







I heard it once descibed as yo yo: connect, go away, come back.

First, I'd love to know what you keep around for snacks. I know it's cliche but I truly cannot keep enough food in the house for my one teenage ds.

Second, I read that once kids hit 10 it's sort of like starting over again with a newborn in terms of what they need. A 14yo is like a 4yo and a 16yo is like a 6yo. It can be harder to do because they look and try to act so grown up that we tend to think they should do all these things themselves. They are physically capable, after all. They should know better. They should blah, blah, blah. I try very hard to stay away from "shoulds".

On the homework being tossed around the room, the same as cleaning the room, I wouldn't look at it unless the person actually wants you to. Maybe that's her way of telling you to check it out. You can always say something like, "I'd love to look at your work if you'll hand it to. Would you please pick it up?" That may not always work, or at least not at first, but eventually she might start sharing with you directly if you show true interest and openness without any judgement or annoyance. (Believe me, I know it's hard when they throw their stuff all over your house but the negativity really won't get you where you want to be.)


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

I am a mother of four grown children and a fulltime aunt of a niece who lives with us. Believe me, even at my children's ages (27, 21, 19, 18, 18) they still need lots of love and nurturing (and an occasional metaphorical cuff to the side of the head).
I give them hugs and kisses every single day and tell them I love them.
I listen to what they have to say, no matter how boring or longwinded it is.
I accept their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands with open arms.
I listen to their opinions and they return the favor.
I pray for them every single day, each one separately.
Just because they are 18 and over, doesn't mean they don't need us. In some ways, they need us even more: for guidance, counseling, loving, prayer, and acceptance.
My husband and I made the decision long ago that "mothering" also meant that our children could continue to live with us as long as they wanted to or needed to. Not that we have no rules, but we believe in a relaxed, peaceful homelife where we respect our children the same as we expect them to respect us.
Sorry this is so long...just my two cents!


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Subscribing. I'm having no trouble with my 7 year old, but I'm at a loss with my 12 year old lately. We rented a movie and are having movie night and an ice cream date, with just me, my Hubby and our son tonight, but I'd like other ideas as well.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

lisacamille, i love your response!


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## witch's mom (Dec 8, 2003)

Subbing. I could use help in this area right now. I feel a little out of touch with my DDs right now. They don't SEEM to need me much. And my older DD, who is very closed-lipped about her feelings and who on the surface appears very polite, seems to be rolling her eyes (not literally) about some of the stuff I say. Trying to figure out some ways to give each of them some special time.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I just talk to my kids when they're upset, and make an effort to find time to really LISTEN. It's hard when there are smaller ones clamoring for attention, and it's easy to forget that bigger kids still do need attention, even though they're self-sufficient in many ways. They don't need any less attention, but it's easy to forget that.

I'd never jump out to take a child shopping when she wants to be with friends- sometimes a half hour uninterupted talk is more productive. Or to let her go to her friends but be available to talk to her whenever she's ready, even if it's several hours later.

I guess there really aren't any specific techniques involved with nurturing preteens and teens. With babies there's BF and babywearing and cosleeping- with big kids you really need to look to them for what THEY want. The same AP concepts still apply- listen to the child, try to meet their needs, treat the child with respect- but the ways in which you do that have matured. It won't even be the same for all kids.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

subbing.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

I get a lot of frozen type food that is quick and that my son (17) likes. This includes taquitas,pizza rolls, pizza, Mexican food. He loves seafood:so I will get scallops,shrimp,etc. almost once a week. He loves different sorts of bread for sandwiches. They love corn chips with different dips. They love fruit:right now citrus is coming into season. I shop the sales each week: I honeslty save 40-100 dollars a week doing this. I get stir fries, frozen dinners. Lately, they have loved paninis. They love mini-quiches,egg rolls, mini pizza rolls. They also like diffrent kinds of cereal. My dauhgter loves artichoke dip,spinnach dip, bagels and cream cheese. They love casear salads. I find the key is variety. That is why I shop the sales each week tends to be something diffrent. Also, I load up on fresh frui. OH, and lots of natural juices,cider, and natural sodas. We do not have a Whole Foods nearby but when I am near one, I stock up: the variety and prices are much, much better than anything around here. My son dirves now and does do more fast food than I would prefer but still eats a lot here. My daughter also likes protein bars, mini tubs of frusit and Gator Ade. She loves pasta. Sallie


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Thanks Sallie. My ds is pickier, I guess. He doesn't like cheese except mozarella so most Mexican food is out. I've noticed most frozen prepared foods have cheese, too. He won't eat deli meat. I do try to keep fresh fruit available but he eats it so fast. We've been arguing about the soda thing. I can get natural green tea sodas at the commissary (no natural foods market of any kind here) but it's expensive. If I get regular soda, he drinks it all in 2 days. Every time I think I've found something he likes, he taste changes. He craves the high calorie, high fat fast foods, which I'm beginning to think he needs (not the fast food, but high calorie and fat).

12-14 were very hard for us. I feel like I failed miserably because I was busy reacting to his attitude rather than just making myself available to him. Things are much better now at 16. He has naturally matured out of that difficult time. It's easier to talk and listen to him now. Looking back, if I could do those few years over, I'd spend more time just listening to him without making any comments or reacting in any way.

Teens also still need physical touch and affection even if they act like they don't. I'm reading the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. I got specifically because it says it can help with teens as well as babies and young children. It's hard to find books on teens that aren't about discipline and tough love and being "at risk". Anyway, there are suggestions in there about showing a teen that's not always accepting physical affection. Sometimes I just put my arm on his shoulder when I talk to him. He now asks me for hugs or just give me hugs sometimes (still rare but more than before).


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## anhaga (May 26, 2005)

I love to spend quiet time with my children 1:1. My parents live nearby and my mom is very good about taking a child to an acitivity for us and then taking that child for ice cream. Kids aren't jealous usually because they know their time will come around.

My children like to write stories and have us read them. Or we share a movie.

I got the children email accounts so we can email each other.

I ask their opinion about things.

I talk with them about big issues so they don't feel such a huge gulf between themselves and the "adult world." I also do this because I was not involved and became an adult and had so much to learn. I also try to make sure they don't think they have to solve all the world's problems, but that they should be actively engaged in the world.

I think nurturing is helping a person be comfortable with who they are and where they are. So helping them find their quiet space and their active space and recognizing boundaries (and which ones to push







and which ones shouldn't be pushed yet







) is comforting for most kids, teens and even adults.


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## doctorjen (May 29, 2003)

The person who watched 90210 with her folks reminded of something we try to do with our older kids, which is be involved in their interests if we can. Sometimes that means introducing them to stuff we like - like Doctor Who (the whole family watches marathons of him some weekends) and sometimes that means trying to introduce ourselves to stuff they like, like their music, or video games, or whatever. Having this connection over silly things helps us have some topic of conversation at least.

My older dd (12, will be 13 in Feb.) and I both enjoy crafty things, so we go to craft stores and yarn stores and fabric stores together, and sometimes sit and knit together or whatever. It's was a big effort for me not to try to tell her how to do it right to start, but now I really appreciate her unique style and techniques. She's knitting me a scarf as her current project.

Also, I agree that older kids need physical affection. Even though my older dd is kind of a prickly kid, I make an effort to tell her I love her and to hug her. At 11, she acted like it was a big turn off, but I kept doing it as if it was perfectly natural without expecting a response, and at 12 she has started telling me she loves me again and coming up occasionally for a hug on her own - and she definitely likes me to be around more lately. I just always assumed she'd come back to enjoying my company, and she has! My oldest ds, now 19, was always a physically affectionate kid and we never left off the physical contact as much, but my dd definitely went through a phase where she seemed to want nothing to do with any contact, and yet when I started making an effort to be physically affectionate with her she became more affectionate, too. I think older kids sometimes are longing for that closeness again with their mama, but don't know how to ask for it.

Whenever any one of my kids is driving me nuts, I try to remember not to let it show, as I've found that my kids are very sensitive to even little bits of rejection. Sometimes, I have to make an effort to be loving and patient when I want to tell them to leave me alone already, but I always find that my actual attitude soon follows my actions, and the more I'm able to focus positive attention on my kids, the more positive their own attitudes become.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

You aren't alone. It's a constant, minute by minute struggle with me to just LISTEN. I feel like I'm constantly shoving my boys off to play outside, go play in their rooms, etc. Our house is relatively small (four people and a newborn in 900sqft) so I constantly feel like I need space, like I'm being crowded. It sucks.

I have a hard time staying in the moment and meeting them where they're at. *Babies are SO much easier.

*I know that the fact I'm aware of it, that I am _trying_ means I'm doing a good job. I'm doing the best I can.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

I'm glad you started this thread, even just as a reminder of how important it is! It IS HARD, especially when there are littler ones around under the big ones!

Thanks for the ideas so far everyone. I need them too!


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

I don't have older children yet, but I've been meaning to do this kind of weird idea I've had, and I'm hoping it will not only be good for my 4 year old, but last through her teen years as well. The idea is to get a small mailbox for inside the house and get in the habit of leaving notes and stuff in it for her - putting the flag up when I 'send' something to her, to make it more fun and independent. I imagine putting in notes with all the things I don't say when I want to, and fun stuff too.

My hope is that it might help with communication when she's older if we're in the habit of it already.

Is that a silly idea?


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mariamaroo* 
I don't have older children yet, but I've been meaning to do this kind of weird idea I've had, and I'm hoping it will not only be good for my 4 year old, but last through her teen years as well. The idea is to get a small mailbox for inside the house and get in the habit of leaving notes and stuff in it for her - putting the flag up when I 'send' something to her, to make it more fun and independent. I imagine putting in notes with all the things I don't say when I want to, and fun stuff too.

My hope is that it might help with communication when she's older if we're in the habit of it already.

Is that a silly idea?

That's awesome!


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Thank you so, so much for starting this thread - I often think I'm the only one! I'm a single mom to three kids, one of whom has special needs, and by the end of the day I am just spent. It seems like my oldest gets the least of me, because she doesn't "need" me in the same way the 4 and 9 year olds do. I hate that, but it's often true - by the time the younger two are in bed I just want to colapse and relax myself. It can be hard to save part of myself for her. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and making me feel less alone.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Yeah!! Moms all really trying to connect with thier kids!! I think that these inbetweens and teens need physical connection in some way...even snuggling down to watch TV together. And my DD loves loves it when I leave her little love notes in her room or pinned to her door. She is always making me little love notes so I try and return the love!!
My dd likes anything that smacks of adulthood so we can do a coffee and cocoa date or go out to dinner...but honestly it has been awhile...


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

Yes, I've found that my time tends to wander to the younger kids. I really have to make a concerted effort to focus exclusively on my 11 year old son.

He's sensitive in ways his father doesn't understand, and so we spend a lot of time talking about intangible things--feelings, thoughts, aspirations and inspirations--and he spends time hands on with his dad. Soon, we'll have three really close together teens, so this trial run is really important to us!

Thanks for the thread!


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Luckily, both of mine are still pretty tight with me (nearly 16 ds and 13 dd). One of us never leaves the house w/o a hug and I love you. Even if we're angry about something (then it might be an "I love you even when you piss me off.").

Yes on the one-on-one dinner. I try to time it so we do it when the other has something else planned, and sometimes we go out, but sometimes we stay in and cook together (preferably something the other doesn't like).

Yes on finding out about the things they're interested in. You don't have to enjoy it, but if you can at least have a passing understanding, it's easier to have a conversation (or follow their stream-of-consciousness commentary). I take both of mine to concerts with their friends - easier with dd than ds (since dd and I enjoy the same music) - but I get a great insight into my boy and his friends just by driving and hanging out during the concert.

DS writes music and lyrics, and he has a way of leaving it around for me to read. I'll often give him some ideas for how to change things around - sometimes he takes them, sometimes not. But he knows that I value what's important to him.

He's also my reader, so we share a lot of books and then talk about them when we can. We don't always like the same things, but knowing that I make an effort into what he enjoys spurs him to give my stuff a try.

DD is a bit tomboy, a bit girly-girl. I took up field hockey when she did, and we have a great time hitting the ball around and running drills. She's much much better than I am, but she knows I can laugh at myself, and we have a great time with it. I'm not as into shopping as she is, but I valiantly take her, and she understands when we have to make it a window-shopping trip.

Conversely, they're cool with doing stuff with me that I enjoy. As an example, this summer, I REALLY wanted to go to the Toby Keith concert. DD is my country girl, but she was with her Dad. And no one else I knew was free. DS, who despises country, told me he'd come along with me so I didn't have to go alone. And while he didn't the music, we both enjoyed the time together.

Neither of them are embarrassed to be seen with me in public. DD has no problem with our holding hands or my putting an arm around her, and DS happily hangs his arm over my shoulder as we walk.

Really? I think it's all about give and take.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mmace* 
Thank you so, so much for starting this thread - I often think I'm the only one! I'm a single mom to three kids, one of whom has special needs, and by the end of the day I am just spent. It seems like my oldest gets the least of me, because she doesn't "need" me in the same way the 4 and 9 year olds do. I hate that, but it's often true - by the time the younger two are in bed I just want to colapse and relax myself. It can be hard to save part of myself for her. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and making me feel less alone.

I know how you feel with this. My dh is deployed a lot and, when he's gone, I'm the only adult around. I don't have family close enough to rely on for daily help. My dh called last night around 7 pm and I told him that by that time every day I'm done. I don't think I can take having to do one more thing for one more person. I just want to sit and veg. I go to bed usually between 8 and 9 pm with my 4 month old and my 4yo at the same time. We read stories and I nurse the baby until both of them fall asleep. I usually fall asleep as well. I have been forcing myself to get back up just so I can have a little time alone with my 16yo. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and knit while he plays computer games. We don't always talk much but he does talk to me more when I'm just there. It's really hard, though, and most of the time I'm exhausted.

My dh had a hard time during the 12-14 years with my ds because ds was so emotional. My dh didn't know what to do with all that emotion. He was brought up thinking it was not okay to express emotion (typical male crap).


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## gassadi (Dec 22, 2006)

Luckily, my son goes to a school that is FAR FAR away from our house. The drive to and from is a chance for us to talk about what's going on with him. WHen I can, I show up early with his little brother and we play with him and his friends before they all go home.

He is in 3rd grade and can read well, but loves to have me read to him and cuddle at night. (He sometimes scratches my back while I'm reading, so yay!)

One of his friends has divorced parents and the boy's father lives on the opposite coast. To keep in touch with his son, he made an account on an online game and they meet in the game and play and talk that way, which is pretty neat.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

I agree babies are much easier. At least then I know where to start when there is a problem. I also find I am much more forgiving and understanding witht the younger ones. Something about once they wear adult size shoes makes me expect them to be more mature than they am. Some of the ideas here are so general, others are more specific but some that I really thought would help me I thought I would recap.

meet them where they are

start over at 10 (I think about the brain changes of the 9th year)

tucking them in at night - I tend to focus on my three little ones and just hope the older kids are quiet enough for that.

Doing things w/o expectation of appreciation or reciprocation.

Listen to them when they talk about thier interests (video games and rpg and more that I don't understand)

physical touch - sometimes this is just straightening hair and collars (not in a judgemental way) or a quick hug

including them in 'adult' activities like going out to the coffee shop

Thank you for writing these out. They are your ideas sorry so I didn't give individual credit, I just reviewed what was here that I intend to put into more regular practice.

When my dd1 was little I taught her that 3 squeezes while holding hands was code for 'I love you'. She still does this when we hold hand and has taught her sisters. When I ask her to hold a hand in the parking lot and a younger sister looks up with adoring eyes I know just what she has done and it makes my heart sing as much as when she does it with me.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

My dc are almost 32, 29 and 16. Each child is different and needs different things. But even my oldest two still really need that "mommy time". With my oldest, we used to make sure that one night a week, we had a movie or dinner out night. Since her little ones were born, it is a bit more of a challenge so we seem to end up with one night a month. But it's something. My 29 yo comes to my office to visit me and we often share lunch. When each of these two were teens, I always made sure to listen to their music (tho at times it was difficult, I'll admit.







) because that gave us a common ground. With my 16 yo dd, she absolutely loves it when I read Harry Potter to her, which I do every night. We started with the first book and will go thru to the last. She has read them all over and over again, but at her suggestion, I am reading them to her now. Also she loves to watch movies of different eras and I watch with her. Because of her, I have found that "Phantom of the Opera" and "Rent" are my two favorite movies! Sometimes it is hard to find that common ground, but if you keep looking, you can share with your dc. Good luck!


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I read to my kids. I don't consider my 8 yr old 'older' and I am always surprised to hear that some people stop reading to their kids when they can read. Even my 15 yr old loves to be read to. We also listen to audio books a lot...we like to talk about them. We also love funny movies..and maybe some people wouldn't consider watching together some of the 'inappropriate' stuff we watch together. Rent, The Simpsons, Monty Python and The Meaning of Life, well, anything Monty Python.







It gives us a lot to discuss, at any rate.

I am also with my kids pretty much all the time. The 13 yr old does go to school, but I drive him and pick him up, and when he's not in school, he's mostly at home, and I encourage his friends to come here. One thing that works in our family's favor is that my 15 and 13 yr olds have always been each others' best friend. It was thay way from the first, and I did nothing, but am grateful. They aren't outside peer dependent as they have each other. That helps limit certain issues, like hanging out at the mall etc. (Not that I would say no, but I admit that I worry about teens hanging out at the mall. They get harassed-- most people hate teens, and most security personnel are not respectful of young people.

I go to teen sports events and dh as well, school everything (plays, poetry night etc etc). My 13 yr old comes with me to the market frequently (which we did yesterday, and we also went on a thrift run, which we both enjoy). I won't say we don't get on each other's nerves...we do. lol (My 15 yr old is very easy, my 13 yr old, more challenging). He's always wanting to get in the last word. (Hmmm...apple doesn't fall too far from *that* tree). He is a highly sensitive person and has taught me a ton. I am a better person for having been challenged by this soul.

I try to just be around...even if I am taking care of my sister's 2 yr old, or doing something with the 8 yr old-- I am there. I think teens need us a lot, but more when they want us. Maybe what happens is that we log more quantity than quality?


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## bumblebeej (Nov 5, 2005)

Subbing!

I haven't read all the responses yet, I can't wait to though!

Today my goal is lots of hugs and kisses for the big kids! I feel so ashamed at how selfish I may have been, with having a baby and a baby on the way. Blah, bad mommy.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

We still carry on the bedtime ritual of reading together. It's a very special close time for us. We lay around and talk after reading, and that is usually when we have our most meaningful conversations.

We take turns giving each other a backrub, footrub or manicure.

I take a genuine interest in the things my children are interested in. Not only will I listen to my son talk about a video game he likes, but I will ask him questions about it, and occasionally watch him play.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Mine DDs are 13 and 10. We enjoy taking an afternoon, either all 3 of us, or just two of us, go for lunch and a manicure and pedicure. It's relaxing, and provides plenty of time to talk without putting pressure on.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

My top three for connecting with 14 y.o. stepdaughter:

**Writing each other notes* and leaving them underneath the door to tell DSD that she hurt me, or that I am concerned for her, or that I love her. (she does the same)

**I started a journal just for her*, I write in there couple times a month, add in photos, poems, and lots of "I love you's" (she doesn't know about it, but will be getting it in three years when she graduates from school).

**I try my hardest not to judge.* I think sometimes she tells me things not to ask for an opinion, but just to "talk". I try to say very little, and to listen a lot. I try to remember names of her everchanging friends, boys she likes, music she likes, movies she likes..


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## AuntRayRay (Aug 18, 2004)

Subbing..my oldest DS is 11yr and it is hard to save the energy for him. He's the type that likes to stay up late and would like me to watch a movie or play a game just him and me, but I'm almost always falling asleep when my youngest does and find it sooo hard to stay awake after that LOL
Anyway I can use the ideas..thanx mama's









RayRay~


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## mags.bubble (Apr 12, 2007)

Thanks for starting this post. I have 3 dc's, oldest 16, and little ones 5 & 3. I find much of my time and focus is on the little ones. I don't like that. I can see that dc16 needs more nurturing. I am also happy to read others who are in the same boat. Most of my friends only have younger children.

One thing that slapped me in the face recently was that we keep hearing from friends, neighbors, and teachers that dc16 is such a great kid etc...
I realized if that was true why am I so pissed at her all the time? It is me who needs to change.

I am reading the five love languages for children.

I am looking forward to reading posts.

Maggie


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## greenmama (Feb 8, 2002)

I've been following this thread, but was reluctant to post as dd is just 8. However I did raise my step-dd through her teen years and there was a definite time that I didn't know how to nurture her. As I was at a loss for ways I would say I mostly nurtured her through the foods I knew she was liking at any particular time (Peirogies and Kelbasa, bacon and english muffin pizza's-she did not eat particularly healthily during her teens)

I have friends who are massage therapists and I liked how as there kids became teens massages were a natural way to maintain touch. I am not a therapist, but I am intentionally making back and foot rubs part of our life so when she starts to feel too old for cuddles and hugs we can maintain touch (at least I hope it works that way.) I wish I had been more aware of maintaining it with sdd. she was wonderfully cuddly as a 12yo but by 14 it was a thing of the past with me, but at least she always hugged her father.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Not a mama to a teenager yet, but I was a teenager several years ago-- still pretty fresh in my mind.

What a sad, lonely time that was.

I just wanted someone to hug me. I was always so jealous of the teens whose parents still hugged them. I used to ask my friends for hugs all the time. I was starving for positive touch.

Don't know if that's helpful at all, but thought I'd share my experience. Hugs are powerful.


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## SevenVeils (Aug 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lissacamille* 
I am a mother of four grown children and a fulltime aunt of a niece who lives with us. Believe me, even at my children's ages (27, 21, 19, 18, 18) they still need lots of love and nurturing (and an occasional metaphorical cuff to the side of the head).
I give them hugs and kisses every single day and tell them I love them.
I listen to what they have to say, no matter how boring or longwinded it is.
I accept their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands with open arms.
I listen to their opinions and they return the favor.
I pray for them every single day, each one separately.
Just because they are 18 and over, doesn't mean they don't need us. In some ways, they need us even more: for guidance, counseling, loving, prayer, and acceptance.
My husband and I made the decision long ago that "mothering" also meant that our children could continue to live with us as long as they wanted to or needed to. Not that we have no rules, but we believe in a relaxed, peaceful homelife where we respect our children the same as we expect them to respect us.
Sorry this is so long...just my two cents!


This.

Minus the praying (sorry).

Also, some things that I think help are subtle things like... we shop together. I ask for, and truly need their advice. I trust them to help me make decisions about stuff like food and even things like I don't know, choosing a color of yarn. I don't do this on purpose, it is just our dynamic, but I do think it helps to foster a high degree of closeness. Mine have always been very responsible about these decisions. They do not choose 'fun' food that is filled with sugar and colors etc, but may suggest some fruit that is in season or some ice cream- but for instance, my just-turned-10 year old is conscious of Nestle, thus only asks for Godiva or Ben & Jerry's ice creams. But he is more likely to ask for supplies to bake something for us to enjoy which he will sweeten with fruit juice concentrates, sucanat or honey.

As another example, before I was looking for a puppy, my then-9 year old son was a full participant in helping me decide which breeds would be best. He truly helped me to figure things out. Again, this was not done on purpose on my part, I wasn't patronizing him or whatever.

Mine don't have 'chores' per se, but are definitely expected to help out a lot. There are certain things that they are expected to do, but I don't really quantify it as a chore or task. It's just something that needs to be done. Again, this is not on purpose but I think it helps them to feel like complete members of the household.

I don't know if any of that helps or makes sense


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Subbing so I can come back.. My problem is with my SN DS...must read on.....


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## lilyfaith (Oct 30, 2006)

Subbing -- Thanks for the the ideas.

I have been wondering how to maintain the bond w/ my 9yo DD.

Now that the baby is sleeping a little better. I can read to DD before bed again. We love this time and are currently reading "A Wind in the Door" by Madeleine L'Engle.

I know homeschooling is not for everybody and we are still new to it. But since we started HS this fall it has really bolstered my relationship between DD and I.


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## bookwormmama (Dec 11, 2001)

wow, this thread is really timely for me, i have been feeling disconnect from my two oldest for a while, more from my oldest ds, whom we adopted 3 years ago, so connecting with him is even more challenging. throw in the fact that our personalities seem to be polar opposites, it's really hard to get in a loving place with him.









I swear i am going to print all of these tips out and keep them in my pocket at all times. I'll read them when i want to wring necks instead!


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## joyluc (May 31, 2007)

What a great thread. My 11 year old DS is still cuddly - even more so because my DH has been away this weekend. But I need to remind myself that I need to nurture him as an 11 year old and not a younger kid. So since I read this thread a few days ago I have been talking to him about his interests (Magic cards and Xbox). Thanks everyone.


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