# Does your child go into a public restroom alone?



## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Does your preteen or teenager go into a public restroom alone?

If they go alone, what measures does your family take to make sure they are safe?

If they do not go in alone, how does your family handle it as your child gets older? At what age will you allow them to go alone?


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

My ds is only 7 and I struggle with this each time we're out. He's wanting to use the men's restroom and I really want to respect that but the momma instinct in my wants him in the ladies room with me. I just tell him that when his dad is out with us, he can use the men's room but until then, it's best that we all stay together because I don't want him to get lost or scared if he can't find me. So far it's working.

I am comforted to know I'm not the only momma out there struggling with the restroom issue. I realize my ds is much younger than yours but still it's comforting to see. Sorry I don't have more suggestions for your preteen/teen question but I would think if they are wanting to use the gender specific restroom then as a teen they would be okay. For my own comfort I would just need to give him/her a safety briefing before each restroom visit that was unaccompanied by me.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

My dd is only 6 and not going in alone yet.
I was reading somewhere else where a mother didn't allow her 14 year old son to go in alone and it made me wonder what the parents of older children do.


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## arlecchina (Jul 25, 2006)

my son's been using the restroom in public since age 8 or so. even now I get heebie jeebies but he wont tolerate the women's room at this point, anyways. (tried at the airport last time, he was not amused :/ )

I'v no advice at all though for an opposite sex child. I let him start going in alone when I started to feel like a paranoic.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

My eleven year old and eight year old sons go in together. I have let my eight year old go in alone, but with instructions to not talk with anyone and to go into a stall and lock the door. I usually stand right outside the door leaning against the doorframe. My eight year old rarely uses public restrooms in general b/c he is very germphobic.

My nine year old daughter has gone in alone when with my hubby, but again isn't to talk with anyone. My five year old has gone with my eleven year old, but never alone. I typically take him in with me b/c he has yet to complain about it.


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

Our 9, 10 and 13 year olds have been going in restrooms alone (either together or by themselves) for several years now. The 2 year old does not. **grin**


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## sweetfiend (May 22, 2004)

Our local swimming pool does not allow children age 6 and up to change clothes/use the restroom of the opposite sex. Personally, I found that too young. My son started using the men's room by himself by age 8.

We know a family whose 14 year old son was still accompanied by his mother in the woman's restroom. My son said he would rather die, explode, pee on himself than be that kid.


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## 5thAttempt (Apr 22, 2006)

my ds started going along around age 6 or 7. He refused to go in the woman's.
That said, he went to boy scout camp at that age and they were actually talking about unappropriate touching and people that could make them uncomfortable. They also talked about what to do in each case. Then they gave a booklet and he had to fill up the homework. I felt strange and way too early - at 6! - but then I realized that I am feeling better when he is going to the man's room - at least he knows what is appropriate and what is not and how to deal with it.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

My DD goes alone. She is 12. My son, only occassionally. Was this started because of the assualt in a bathroom in CA? Pretty scary stuff.


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetfiend*
Our local swimming pool does not allow children age 6 and up to change clothes/use the restroom of the opposite sex. Personally, I found that too young. My son started using the men's room by himself by age 8.

We know a family whose 14 year old son was still accompanied by his mother in the woman's restroom. My son said he would rather die, explode, pee on himself than be that kid.

Assuming this is not some sort of differently-abled 14 year old...that's, well, GROSS.. I'm sorry , but at 14...that's too old. personally, if a 14 year old boy came into the women's room, I'd be protesting right and left. That would have to be horrible for the child, ...frankly, I'd consider that twisted, on the mom's part, to the point of emotional abuse....
And in terms of the rights of the other ladies using the LADIES room, I think it is also wrong.
6-8, sure, thats a greay area...but 14? That is a TEENAGED BOY...he does not need to be in a ladies room for any reason(outside of some crazy emergency or something).

eeewww.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My kids (15 and almost 13) have been using the restroom alone for some time now.







Ds is a big guy, as big as an adult, so while I worry about him out and about anyway I know he can probably handle a trip to the bathroom. Honestly, other teens males are the biggest problem, and he doesnt run into a ton of them in the bathroom at the grocery store.

Dd can go by herself, but often her and I go together or she is with her best friend.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I also thought that six was too young, although it did depend on where the restroom was. A swimming pool changing room or a small and reasonably nice restaurant was one thing, but K-Mart or the public restrooms downtown were another story altogether!

He was 8 before I completely stopped taking him into ANY women's room at all. He was small as a child so nobody ever said anything negative that I can remember.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I let ds go in by himself with instructions not to talk to anyone and to please always use the stall. (I am amazed at how guys just whip it and use the urinals in front of other guys!) DD started to use the bathroom by herself by eight or so. It wigs me out when they go in but I can't go in with ds and he won't go in the women's. DD was not an issue most of the time because I usually had her and would just go in with her.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99*
Assuming this is not some sort of differently-abled 14 year old...that's, well, GROSS.. I'm sorry , but at 14...that's too old. personally, if a 14 year old boy came into the women's room, I'd be protesting right and left. That would have to be horrible for the child, ...frankly, I'd consider that twisted, on the mom's part, to the point of emotional abuse....
And in terms of the rights of the other ladies using the LADIES room, I think it is also wrong.
6-8, sure, thats a greay area...but 14?

eeewww.

It is hard for me to understand the strength of your reaction here and how it would be different if the child was disabled. It isn't unlike you are disrobing in the bathroom, there are stalls with doors, right?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Our son is 10 and has been using the men's room alone since he was 9. There are some places though where it still makes me nervous. Before he started using the mens' room alone we went over a list of rules - use the stall, it isn't a place to chat, wash your hands, etc. And, he knows if he needs to be in there for longer than what it would typically take to pee quick he needs to let me know ahead of time.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
It is hard for me to understand the strength of your reaction here and how it would be different if the child was disabled. It isn't unlike you are disrobing in the bathroom, there are stalls with doors, right?

14 years old is a MAN in many cultures. Most 14 year olds are sexually active. A disabled child would be different because he would still NEED the help or supervision. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I wouldn't deny him that help.

Edited to add: yes i've frequently seen women do quick clothing changes in restrooms, or major clothing adjustments.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I did let my oldest who is 6 go in by herself with me standing outside the door till one day when a weird lady sitting on a bench saw dd go in and followed her. I got a really weird feeling and went in to find her staring at dd who was washing her hands. She talked to me a bit and then left.

It creeped me out that she went in to just lean against a wall and stare at dd wash her hands







:

Unfortunately dh and I didn't turn her in to the store.


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## momtothree (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers*
14 years old is a MAN in many cultures. Most 14 year olds are sexually active. A disabled child would be different because he would still NEED the help or supervision. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I wouldn't deny him that help.

Edited to add: yes i've frequently seen women do quick clothing changes in restrooms, or major clothing adjustments.

I agree...14 yrs old is too old to accompany your mom into the bathroom unless you need assistance.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

moondiapers said:


> 14 years old is a MAN in many cultures. Most 14 year olds are sexually active. A disabled child would be different because he would still NEED the help or supervision. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I wouldn't deny him that help.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## momtothree (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone*

MOST?!?! Come on. Check your facts PLEASE. Most 14 year olds are not sexually active.

"The percentage of teens 15-19 who had initiated sexual intercourse before age 14 has decreased in recent years, from a high of 8 percent of girls and 11 percent of boys in 1995 to a low of 6 percent of girls and 8 percent of boys in 2002." - Kaiser Foundation

In fact less than half of the students in high school have had sex at 46.8%. - Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (June 2006). Surveillance Summaries. MMWR 2006:55(No.SS-5)

I know that had little to do with the op but I could not let that stand uncorrected. I am sorry to come off harsh.

Maybe the better word was sexually aware


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## clane (Aug 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers*
14 years old is a MAN in many cultures. Most 14 year olds are sexually active. A disabled child would be different because he would still NEED the help or supervision. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I wouldn't deny him that help.

Edited to add: yes i've frequently seen women do quick clothing changes in restrooms, or major clothing adjustments.


Most 14 year olds are sexually active. ?????????????
Wow! I really hope this is a blantant exaggeration.

DS is almost 8 and he still goes into the restroom with me if its just the kids & I. He goes into a stall by himself & then waits until I come out of a stall to come out & wash hands. Or, he can stand directly outside the door of the stall I am in so I can see his feet the entire time. I am not ready to send him in alone yet & I am not going to leave him alone while I am in the restroom either.

Our Y has a policy against opposite-sex children in the locker rooms past 18 mos?! They do have a family restroom, but no family changing area. I hope they rememdy this with the renovations.


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## Jmo780 (May 3, 2006)

If the 5 of us are out together, Dh goes with the boys (10.5 & 7)into the bathroom, and I go with our daughter...If I am alone with the kids, the boys go in together and I stay outside the door with our daughter and wait. Our daughter never goes in alone. (5)

If just she has to go, I have the boys stand right outside the door, go in and get her situated, and go back and forth between checking on her and checking to make sure the boys are still right by the door.

And honestly if it is somewhere like we are out to eat at our usual pizza place, we sit at the booth right by the bathroom doors, the kids have to go, they usually get up and go alone etc...They are always in and right back out. Now this is obviosuly when is is not crowded (6-10 ppl besides us in the whole place) and we know the bathrooms are cleared out. (We have just been in to check when we get there, have a perfect clear view etc...

Obviously you have to always be careful and have a watchful eye on your kids no matter where you/they are...Teach them the right ways to act and the way to do things when people act and do inapropriate things to them (scream loudly etc...)


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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone*
I let ds go in by himself with instructions not to talk to anyone and to please always use the stall. (I am amazed at how guys just whip it and use the urinals in front of other guys!) DD started to use the bathroom by herself by eight or so. It wigs me out when they go in but I can't go in with ds and he won't go in the women's. DD was not an issue most of the time because I usually had her and would just go in with her.

what's wrong with men using urinals? that's what they are there for right? peeing in? just curious.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

My oldest has been lectured on stranger dangers and other things that can happen many times over the years. At the age of 7 he was allowed to go in a bathroom alone but usually we just used the family bathroom if it was at a store that had one. But seriously he hardly ever had to go potty while out running errands so it wasn't really a big deal anyway. I think if our children can go to school on a bus and stay away from us for 7 or more hours per day they can make it through a 60 sec visit to a public restroom once they are taught right from wrong and they seem mature enough.







I swear I've worried a lot more about my kids while they are away at school all day or at a day camp more than anywhere else.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PGNPORTLAND*
what's wrong with men using urinals? that's what they are there for right? peeing in? just curious.









I didn't say anything was wrong with it. Can you see it the other way around? Toilets with no stall doors, no privacy, in the women's? I just don't think we're as comfortable about peeing in front of complete strangers as guys are.


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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone*







I didn't say anything was wrong with it. Can you see it the other way around? Toilets with no stall doors, no privacy, in the women's? I just don't think we're as comfortable about peeing in front of complete strangers as guys are.

I have 2 younger brothers. The first time the younger one saw a urinal was at a baseball game with my dad. I think he was around 6 or 7. I guess my dad peed in the urinal and my brother didn't say anything until they got home and my mom asked how was the game? My brother said "Daddy pee'd in the sink!" I always thought that was funny.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PGNPORTLAND*
what's wrong with men using urinals? that's what they are there for right? peeing in? just curious.

Personally if my child is going to be in a room with strangers I'd rather his pants not be down in front of them. It would be a nice world if we never had to think about stuff like this, but we do.


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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Personally if my child is going to be in a room with strangers I'd rather his pants not be down in front of them. It would be a nice world if we never had to think about stuff like this, but we do.

I didn't mean children. Someone else said it was weird that men "whipped it out in front of each other to pee". that's what I was refering to. I am getting misunderstood alot lately.







: I will have to work on that.

If I had a son I would probably encourage him to use the stall as well.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers*
14 years old is a MAN in many cultures. Most 14 year olds are sexually active. A disabled child would be different because he would still NEED the help or supervision. It would still make me uncomfortable, but I wouldn't deny him that help.

Edited to add: yes i've frequently seen women do quick clothing changes in restrooms, or major clothing adjustments.

Here's what strikes me about this. This post suggests that somehow even in the nonsexual context of a bathroom that somehow male sexuality is a threat. If male sexuality is such a threat, I wonder then why you are advocating for children to go alone into a men's bathroom? How is it more of a threat for a supervised teenager to be in the bathroom with women than it is for an unsupervised boy to be in the bathroom with strange men?

I have been given dirty looks a few times when my quite tall (and disabled but not in a way that strangers can visually determine) son came into the women's restroom with me when he was certainly past the size when many boys go alone. For me it comes down to one of my rules of parenting - my first job is to protect my child's safety.


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## arlecchina (Jul 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone*







I didn't say anything was wrong with it. Can you see it the other way around? Toilets with no stall doors, no privacy, in the women's? I just don't think we're as comfortable about peeing in front of complete strangers as guys are.

we're not taught to be. think that's the only real difference.

I've had to use unisex bathrooms and also women's rooms with no stall doors. I didnt mind. but many people do. personally I'd prefer more unisex bathrooms, this would bother me less as far as public restrooms.


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## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

I couldn't care less if a fully grown man came into the women's bathroom so I certainly wouldn't worry about a 14 year old boy.

I do believe however that most 14 year olds are sexually active, not intercourse for the most part but certainly I would say most of them have fooled around in some sexual way with a member of the opposite sex and they're certainly aware of the opposite sex.
While this wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I can understand that especially teenaged girls wouldn't feel comfortable going to the bathroom in front of a 14 year old boy.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momto l&a*
I did let my oldest who is 6 go in by herself with me standing outside the door till one day when a weird lady sitting on a bench saw dd go in and followed her. I got a really weird feeling and went in to find her staring at dd who was washing her hands. She talked to me a bit and then left.

It creeped me out that she went in to just lean against a wall and stare at dd wash her hands







:

Unfortunately dh and I didn't turn her in to the store.


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## HeatherKae (Jun 4, 2006)

There are a lot of unisex bathrooms here in Korea. It isn't unusual at all. I'm used to it and perfectly comfortable with it now. Heck, some don't even have stalls!

That said, back home in the US, if I saw a mother bring a 14 yr old boy in the women's restroom, I'd be wigged out. I don't know if I'd say anything (unless the boy was staring), but I certainly don't agree with it. What would you think of a dad bringing a 14 yr old girl into a men's room?


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## LookMommy! (Jun 16, 2002)

just not with a partner...iykwim







:


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## isulari (Feb 18, 2002)

i have an eight year old ds and he used the ladies restroom with me until about 6.
funny story... he spends the majority of his time with me. so obviously public restroom trips were to the ladies room. one day (age 6) he is out and about with his father and needs to use the restroom. his father quickly escorts him to the men's restroom and opens the door motioning him in... my ds shrieks in horror... makes the most repulsed face and whispers... i can't go in there.








his father was not as amused.
at age seven we started allowing him to use the restroom alone occasionally. i have no qualms about opening the door and calling into him. i always open the door as he going in and loudly exclaim "i'm standing right by the door if you need me." i have also opened the door and asked if he was alright a few times that he took a little longer than i expected.
i know i will not be able to do this much longer as he is getting older, but i will continue to dialogue with him as much as possible about safety. i truly wish this was not a topic we need to discuss







... but i am glad the op brought it up.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

My son is 3.5 and he uses public restrooms by himself in some places, like at the pool, and at most restaurants we eat at. If we're in a crowded place, I go with him so we don't get separated. I can't imagine not letting a preteen or teenager go to the bathroom alone! Also, my son uses the urinals, as far as I know. I know he has before because he thinks it's funny.


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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roxswood*
I couldn't care less if a fully grown man came into the women's bathroom so I certainly wouldn't worry about a 14 year old boy.

I do believe however that most 14 year olds are sexually active, not intercourse for the most part but certainly I would say most of them have fooled around in some sexual way with a member of the opposite sex and they're certainly aware of the opposite sex.
While this wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I can understand that especially teenaged girls wouldn't feel comfortable going to the bathroom in front of a 14 year old boy.

some are aware of and/or have fooled around with the same sex too. more than you would think in fact. off topic but just wanted to add.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PGNPORTLAND*
My brother said "Daddy pee'd in the sink!" I always thought that was funny.

This is OT but









My 5 yo often refuses to use the ladies room saying "I'm a man" so I have to hover outside the men's room and sometimes yell his name. Fun


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *clane*
Our Y has a policy against opposite-sex children in the locker rooms past 18 mos?! They do have a family restroom, but no family changing area. I hope they rememdy this with the renovations.

18 mos?!?! Yikes! There's no way I'd let an 18mo use the restroom by themselves!

The 14yo thing, yeah, I agree he should be using the men's room. Most 14yo boys are bigger than I am! But honestly, the restroom thing doesn't bug me much. I don't even think I'd be offended if a grown man walked into the women's room (so long as he had a reason to be there-- looking for his wife, etc). I mean, what are they going to see? A bunch of women washing their hands and fixing their hair, right?


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontierpsych*
The 14yo thing, yeah, I agree he should be using the men's room. Most 14yo boys are bigger than I am! But honestly, the restroom thing doesn't bug me much. I don't even think I'd be offended if a grown man walked into the women's room (so long as he had a reason to be there-- looking for his wife, etc). I mean, what are they going to see? A bunch of women washing their hands and fixing their hair, right?









: My ds who is 14 is 5'10 and substantially bigger than both dh & I, the idea of accompanying him to the bathroom is laughable. Do I still worry, yeah but he is starting HS in a week and he would be beyond mortified if I demanded that he accompany me in the bathroom. I think he was about 5 when it really became clear that he should not be in the lady's room with me.

Shay


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LookMommy!*
just not with a partner...iykwim







:

I just wanted to point out that the stats regarding teen sex don't often reflect the true number of teens who are sexually active, because lots of teens that young are too embarassed to admit to it, and surveys are the main way of producing such numbers. I know many young teens fourteen and under who are sexually active, and when I was younger most were. We had surverys and such at school and we were asked about our sex lives but almost all of us lied.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hottmama*
My son is 3.5 and he uses public restrooms by himself in some places, like at the pool, and at most restaurants we eat at. If we're in a crowded place, I go with him so we don't get separated. I can't imagine not letting a preteen or teenager go to the bathroom alone! Also, my son uses the urinals, as far as I know. I know he has before because he thinks it's funny.

Kids vary a lot in their maturity. In my opinion before a child is old enough to use the men's room alone he needs to be able to:

1. Be relied on to not be touching random stuff.
2. To understand how to interact with strangers who may behave inappropriately.
3. To be counted on to do a good job carefully washing his hands.
4. Deal with any clothing problems required to go to the bathroom.
5. Be able to handle opening and closing doors.
6. Be capable of telling me if there is anything that concerned him.

No way was my son ready for that at three but as I said kids vary a lot in maturity.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelpie545*
I just wanted to point out that the stats regarding teen sex don't often reflect the true number of teens who are sexually active, because lots of teens that young are too embarassed to admit to it, and surveys are the main way of producing such numbers. I know many young teens fourteen and under who are sexually active, and when I was younger most were. We had surverys and such at school and we were asked about our sex lives but almost all of us lied.

Ah, but I bet the surveys are balanced out by the kids who are so embarassed by lack of experience that they lie about it!


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Ah, but I bet the surveys are balanced out by the kids who are so embarassed by lack of experience that they lie about it!

Yeah, could be I suppose. The truth is though that it's actually kind of scary how many young teens are sexually active at a very young age. My neighbor is sixteen and his gf is fourteen and they have been having sex for quite some time now, and although is mother knows, her mother is completely unaware, and she does NOT talk about it. It's a very touchy subject, and many adults are quick to assume there's not way that THAT many teens are either having sex or doing sexual acts at that young of an age, but that simply isn't true. Sorry, kind of OT,







: .

Anyhoo about the going into a public restroom by themselves I say about maybe 7 or 8, depending on the child, and how well they have been educated about stranger danger. My kids are six and three right now, so I obviously always go with them. I don't know though, today's world it's so scary...


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## SharonO (Jun 13, 2006)

My ds is 10 and I have never let him go into a public mens room alone. There are too many weird people out there and I have read too many horror stories. If we are out together alone,(usual since I'm a single mom) I take him in the ladies room with me. With his longish hair and fine features, he is often mistaken for a girl so we have never had a problem. No one has ever said anything or given us funny looks. He doesn't think its any big deal since that is where he has always gone. He just goes into a stall and sits down and does his business. Sitting is pretty routine for him also since I was single when he was potty trained and what did I know about teaching him to stand up? Besides, it has prevented a lot of puddles on the bathroom floor.

I realize this will have to change one of these days, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

My soon to be 5yo refuses to go in the womens room. I so klovesingle/family bathrooms. But soemtiems he darts in the mens room. So I have been in many a mens room now. I will allow him to go-see if it is empty, he says yes, I peek in and stand at the door. He has embarrassed many a man. this kid is a firecracker. The local minor league stadium has a few family (single) restrooms. So I like it there. But one day he darted in the LARGE mens room and refused to come out. I yelled to him, he said he was-doign #2. So I wait and watch anxiously. Then he yelsl he needs me, I ask a boy around 11yo to check what he needs for me. The boys Dad coems aroundand Says 'he is in a stall, I think eh needs YOU." So the Dad makes sure all urinals are clear and I go in, probably horrifying the men in the stalls. I help him with a wiping issue and remidn him thsi is why he cannto go in w/o me. I had to return again for another issue.

Only one man gave me a dirty look, the rest said they too have kids, no biggie!

It is a challenge, but I go in when I have too or feel I must check!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetfiend*
Our local swimming pool does not allow children age 6 and up to change clothes/use the restroom of the opposite sex. Personally, I found that too young. My son started using the men's room by himself by age 8.

We know a family whose 14 year old son was still accompanied by his mother in the woman's restroom. My son said he would rather die, explode, pee on himself than be that kid.

Am I the only one who thinks it's borderline emotional abuse to infantalize a 14 yr old in this way?


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Am I the only one who thinks it's borderline emotional abuse to infantalize a 14 yr old in this way?

I'm with you.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Am I the only one who thinks it's borderline emotional abuse to infantalize a 14 yr old in this way?

I would be with you but................we do not know the entire situation. I have seen some pretty small 14 year olds. We associate with a few. We do not know were they live. I would like to know more info before I judge.

What I would like the most is unisex bathroom that gives people true privacy.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
I would be with you but................we do not know the entire situation. I have seen some pretty small 14 year olds. We associate with a few. We do not know were they live. I would like to know more info before I judge.

What I would like the most is unisex bathroom that gives people true privacy.

Why do you feel size is an issue? There are some pretty small grown men and women, should they also be escorted to the bathroom?

It strikes me more as a control issue.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

One thing worth remembering is that people have had different life experiences with sexual abuse, etc. and that may shape the decisions they make here too so I'd urge people to be sensitive as they are passing judgement on the decisions that other parents make.


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

My almost 8yo dd goes into the bathroom by herself when we are out to dinner....this is only when the restaurant is not crowded and I can clearly see the bathroom door. If any of this is not the case then I go with her. She really enjoys being independent about it. At the mall or some other place...well, I still go with her.

As I have only girls, I can only speculate that I would do the same for any boys I might have. I would treat them no differently.

That said, Dh gets skeeved out taking 3yo dd into the bathroom with him...i think its just a ploy to get out of bathroom duty.


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

My ds is 8. There are some places where I let him use the mens room alone and other places where he needs to come in the ladies room with me -or hopefully they have a family stall.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Why do you feel size is an issue? There are some pretty small grown men and women, should they also be escorted to the bathroom?

It strikes me more as a control issue.









: nak

i don't think size should be an issue, i mean at 14 most kids are entering high school and like my ds looking forward to the freedoms and choices hs brings. there is also the fact that at 14 in many states a kid can legally get a job with a work permit and are only a year away from getting their driving lessons and 2 years away from getting a license. when you look at the larger picture to have a 14 yo accompanying Mama to the bathroom is extremely odd and frankly imho just wrong.

shay


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

Everyone, please do not take this the wrong way.

I have been really, really startled by this thread.

My daughter is 8. And although, if we're out walking around, we generally would use public restrooms at the same time to save time, we often do not in other situations, such as restaurants. She excuses herself, goes, comes back. This has been the situation for... probably close to three years now. At least.

I'm not being at all judgemental about the ages the rest of you are citing--it's very possible you're right and I'm wrong here--I simply can't imagine feeling that one would have to accompany a 9 or 10 year old into a bathroom--and as far as I've seen, children of the opposite sex (fathers with daughters or mothers with sons) are on their own by kindergarten age.

Why do you do this? Is it the possibility that they might run into a sexual predator?

Also, why is this so foreign to my experience? Do most people take their older children into the bathroom, or is it an AP thing (that is NOT sarcasm, I'm genuinely curious)?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *halalove*
Everyone, please do not take this the wrong way.

I have been really, really startled by this thread.

My daughter is 8. And although, if we're out walking around, we generally would use public restrooms at the same time to save time, we often do not in other situations, such as restaurants. She excuses herself, goes, comes back. This has been the situation for... probably close to three years now. At least.

I'm not being at all judgemental about the ages the rest of you are citing--it's very possible you're right and I'm wrong here--I simply can't imagine feeling that one would have to accompany a 9 or 10 year old into a bathroom--and as far as I've seen, children of the opposite sex (fathers with daughters or mothers with sons) are on their own by kindergarten age.

Why do you do this? Is it the possibility that they might run into a sexual predator?

Also, why is this so foreign to my experience? Do most people take their older children into the bathroom, or is it an AP thing (that is NOT sarcasm, I'm genuinely curious)?

It's foreign to my experience, too - I'm pretty amazed. Both of my daughters would have been embarrassed as hell to be escorted to the bathroom over the age of about 6. But they are both very independent, and I don't buy into the culture of fear, and as a previous poster said, personal experience has a huge bearing on the issue.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *halalove*
Everyone, please do not take this the wrong way.

I have been really, really startled by this thread.

My daughter is 8. And although, if we're out walking around, we generally would use public restrooms at the same time to save time, we often do not in other situations, such as restaurants. She excuses herself, goes, comes back. This has been the situation for... probably close to three years now. At least.

I'm not being at all judgemental about the ages the rest of you are citing--it's very possible you're right and I'm wrong here--I simply can't imagine feeling that one would have to accompany a 9 or 10 year old into a bathroom--and as far as I've seen, children of the opposite sex (fathers with daughters or mothers with sons) are on their own by kindergarten age.

Why do you do this? Is it the possibility that they might run into a sexual predator?

Also, why is this so foreign to my experience? Do most people take their older children into the bathroom, or is it an AP thing (that is NOT sarcasm, I'm genuinely curious)?


My own personal experience. My oldest son (now 11) started going into the bathroom by himself when he was probably eight.....he never cared until then. My middle son (now eight) has not wanted to go into the women's restroom since about six. I would send him in with his brother. If we were out alone, I would stand outside the door (lean by the door with my back to the view of the bathroom) and wait there. I always tell both boys to use the stalls and lock it behind them. I do not like my boys going in by themselves. Maybe it is 'buying into the culture of fear', but honestly I really don't mind that. If I can ensure my child's safety, then that is what I will do.

My daughter is nine and has always gone into the restroom with me. She will usually ask for me to go with her. My husband started letting her go into the restroom alone about the age of six. He waits outside the door for her and she is given the same instructions as her brothers....lock the stall door and don't talk with anyone.

My youngest son is now five and has gone into the restroom on about three occasions with his brothers. They are to stay with him at all times and not come out of the restroom without him. He usually just comes in with me to the women's restroom. He doesn't mind, so we are sticking with what we are doing until he objects.

Honestly, I know there have been instances in our area of kids sexually abused in restaurant bathrooms, but it doesn't usually cross my mind that may happen. I am very diligent about my kids being in my view as much as possible when we are out and about. I do have a very keen awareness of the possibility of kidnapping and really don't want to take any chances. I know, for myself, if anything happened to one of my kids b/c of something I failed to protect them from I could never forgive myself.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
It's foreign to my experience, too - I'm pretty amazed. Both of my daughters would have been embarrassed as hell to be escorted to the bathroom over the age of about 6. But they are both very independent, and I don't buy into the culture of fear, and as a previous poster said, personal experience has a huge bearing on the issue.

Statistically though you get that there is a totally different risk in being around strange women then around strange men though right? I feel the risks are totally different for boys than girls and that might be something to consider.

Editing to say that doesn't mean it is totally safe for girls either. A girl was raped in the women's bathroom of our library.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Statistically though you get that there is a totally different risk in being around strange women then around strange men though right? I feel the risks are totally different for boys than girls and that might be something to consider.

Editing to say that doesn't mean it is totally safe for girls either. A girl was raped in the women's bathroom of our library.

Well, I don't know anyone IRL who escorts boys over the age of 8 to the bathroom, either, and the only 7 yr old I know who is escorted has "wiping issues"









I don't want to live my life as though everyone is a kidnapper or child rapist, and I don't want to pass that message to my kids. I understand that other people feel differently.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Statistically though you get that there is a totally different risk in being around strange women then around strange men though right? I feel the risks are totally different for boys than girls and that might be something to consider.

Editing to say that doesn't mean it is totally safe for girls either. A girl was raped in the women's bathroom of our library.

Link?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Link?

Link to what? Do you need convincing that men are more likely to be sexual predators than women?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*

I don't want to live my life as though everyone is a kidnapper or child rapist, and I don't want to pass that message to my kids. I understand that other people feel differently.

Is anyone suggesting living life like everyone is a kidnapper or rapist? I certainly am not. I am suggesting that there are certain signs of readiness before a child has their pants down in a public place with people they don't know. With my child my concerns many of my concerns were more related to germy ick as he wasn't to relied on to wash his hands and on motor skills difficulties handling clothing.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
A girl was raped in the women's bathroom of our library.

Looking for a link to this story.

Did a woman or a man rape the child?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Looking for a link to this story.

Did a woman or a man rape the child?

This was probably five years ago and it looks like the local paper only has 14 day access online. My recollection is that the girl was about 10. She was raped by man who waited in the bathroom. I used that same bathroom alone as a kid and probably wouldn't have hesitated to send a 10 year old there myself. The man was caught.

And, while Googling I also found this story which is quite similar http://www.ala.org/ala/alonline/curr...melessplea.htm

Hey wait - they've got something on the story I mentioned too http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=2971

And, apparently there are lots more http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=1483


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?

I have a buddy who will not use public restrooms. He will barely use the bathroom at friend's houses.

Personally, we use public restrooms.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?

Where was that post? I didn't see anything of the sort.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
This was probably five years ago and it looks like the local paper only has 14 day access online. My recollection is that the girl was about 10. She was raped by man who waited in the bathroom. I used that same bathroom alone as a kid and probably wouldn't have hesitated to send a 10 year old there myself. The man was caught.

And, while Googling I also found this story which is quite similar http://www.ala.org/ala/alonline/curr...melessplea.htm

Hey wait - they've got something on the story I mentioned too http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=2971

And, apparently there are lots more http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=1483

There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.


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## Celtain (Mar 10, 2004)

Nope, nope, nope.

My poor ds1 still has to deal with coming into the womans room with me or his MUCH older sister. He hates it and complains about it, but tough luck buddy, there are some crazy nasty weirdos out there and I'm not about to let you become a victim because you are uncomfortable with going into the woman's bathroom.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.

Why is it a big deal for you if someone chooses to be more cautious than you choose to be? Maybe, they have personal issues/experience that makes them more fearful.....maybe not.

Why make sarcastic comments and downplay what may be a very valid fear for someone?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.

Oh I see. I mentioned a story in passing as a note that while women's rooms are safer stuff can still happen. You asked for the link. The reason you wanted the link was not to actually find out about what happened but instead so you could post some comment about fear mongering and horror stories.

Not one person, including me, suggested that no one should use a public restroom or that folks should stay at home. If someone said "wearing seatbelts is important" would your response be but many people travel safely so you are just being paranoid. That may be an appropriate response if someone said let's ban all cars, but not if they said wear seatbelts. Appropriate if someone said ban public restrooms but not if they say consider your child's maturity and supervise.

Rather, I would suggest specifically that parents be aware that there are potential risk and evaluate first and foremost their individual child's readiness (to handle washing, clothing, social and safety aspects) and act accordingly rather than simply assuming that all children of a particular chronologial age should act a certain way.

What stories such as the one I posted suggest to me is that I will not treat all public restrooms exactly the same way and I will continue to provide some supervision being aware when my child enters a restroom and aware how long they are gone.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
I have a buddy who will not use public restrooms. He will barely use the bathroom at friend's houses.

Personally, we use public restrooms.

Ah, you know my DH? He will not even use the restrooms at work...


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## Elyra (Aug 19, 2006)

My oldest son uses the men's room by himself if I am out with him and my husband takes him when he is with us. My oldest son is 8. We have had this system since he voiced he was uncomfortable going to the ladies room. If he is going into the men's room without my husband I always knock on the door and say "Lady coming in." and then open the door and scan who is in there before I let my son enter. Then he prefers using the stall, and I tell him before he goes in I am right at the door waiting and to yell and I will come in. There have been plenty of embarrassed men, but most are pretty understanding. I have had a few occaisions where I have been in a place where it was very busy and there was no way I could wait beside the men's room door and the ladies' room had a really long line and my son's bladder wouldn't wait, where a father taking in his son has offered to keep and eye on him or help him. In those times I didn't not get a bad feeling from the men who offered and I left it up to my son what he wanted to do. Most times he politely refused and waited, but twice he had to go and ran at the chance. There have been men that gave me the creeps and I made sure they knew they knew I was watching and popped open the men's room door several times to ask my son if he was okay or needed help. So far he has never had a bad experience.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Ah, you know my DH? He will not even use the restrooms at work...









I had never met anyone else who was like my friend. Now I can't tell him he's the only one on the planet that doesn't use public restrooms.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
I had never met anyone else who was like my friend. Now I can't tell him he's the only one on the planet that doesn't use public restrooms.









Funny about him not using friends' bathrooms either, I really thought DH was the only one with that phobia. He hates to eat in other people's houses, too, even his own relatives...


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## Elyra (Aug 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Funny about him not using friends' bathrooms either, I really thought DH was the only one with that phobia. He hates to eat in other people's houses, too, even his own relatives...

Have you ever broken someone's toliet? Or had to ask for a plunger to have the homeowner come in and inspect the problem?







The fear runs very deep. From someone who has broken a toilet where the water company had to be called out to shut off the water and knows that fear.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Not using public restrooms is not showing caution, it's paranoia.

Caution is one thing, fear-mongering is another. I simply can't accept it's healthy for 14 yr olds to be so protected that they can't use a public bathroom.

I don't see the point of applying the same degree of 'caution' to a 14 yr old as one might a 6 yr old.

But heck, if people want to , they are certainly entitled to. However, I can comment on it. Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories. I also think older boys in women's restrooms is odd and vice versa. Unless the bathrooms are unisex (and some are), most people are not expecting members of the opposite sex to be in line with them. To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.

In the end, the statistics are not backing up the fears.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
Why is it a big deal for you if someone chooses to be more cautious than you choose to be? Maybe, they have personal issues/experience that makes them more fearful.....maybe not.

Why make sarcastic comments and downplay what may be a very valid fear for someone?

And I might ask you what the big deal is if I choose to comment?


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Not using public restrooms is not showing caution, it's paranoia.

Caution is one thing, fear-mongering is another. I simply can't accept it's healthy for 14 yr olds to be so protected that they can't use a public bathroom.

I don't see the point of applying the same degree of 'caution' to a 14 yr old as one might a 6 yr old.

But heck, if people want to , they are certainly entitled to. However, I can comment on it. Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories. I also think older boys in women's restrooms is odd and vice versa. Unless the bathrooms are unisex (and some are), most people are not expecting members of the opposite sex to be in line with them. To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.

In the end, the statistics are not backing up the fears.

I agree that to me a fourteen year old is a bit old, but I don't know the circumstances and honestly it isn't for me to judge the situation.

The parent's decision may have nothing to do with internet stories and everything to do with personal experience. It isn't my place to judge what I deem to be reasonable reasons for someone else's child.

My kids certainly feel in fear of all around them, but they are aware of the possibilities and what could happen. IMO, to shield them from that is asking for problems.

I don't base my decisions on statistics for most things. I base my decisions on comfort level and knowing my children. I do what I feel is necessary to protect and equip my children. In the end, that is all every parent is doing. You may choose a different path.....that is your decision to make for you family.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Let's be gentle with one another, please.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
And I might ask you what the big deal is if I choose to comment?

Commenting is one thing.

Being sarcastic and downplaying a person's fears b/c you don't agree/understand the reason for their decision is completely different.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK*
Let's be gentle with one another, please.










FTR, I wasn't picking out any particular poster. I am commenting, in general, on our culture.

We've become a society so fearful we build gated communities, put guns in our diaper bags, and now we won't let our kids use public restrooms.

If the statistics of danger backed up people's paranoia, I wouldn't bother commenting.

We are living in fear of our own making. That's not healthy for us, and certainly not for our children.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

I really didn't mean to imply anything about anyone's parenting choices.

To be honest, I was asking for opinions because this was all so far outside of my experience that I was wondering if I was a neglectful mom. Upon reading further, I think there may be cultural differences at work here: I grew up largely outside of the US, I've never lived in the suburbs, I don't go to big places like malls very often--so usually we're talking about a one-person restroom in a cafe or somesuch.

If I lived in a car culture and was often at huge multi-stall restrooms, and if I'd grown up with the (IMO justifiable) stranger-training that kids in America get, I would probably have, quite naturally and without thinking about it, accompanied my dd to the restroom much later.

When I was a kid, I was sent on errands at 6 years old. I wouldn't do the same, but I'm coming from that sort of mentality. So this is all a bit strange to me but NOT, as far as a can tell, wrong.

I wouldn't call anyone paranoid. I just wouldn't want someone telling me I was irresponsible for doing things my way, either.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:

I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.
UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.


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## pinkmilk (Nov 27, 2005)

My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinkmilk*
...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.









: ultimately as parents we all have to let go.. ultimately they do grow up.

shay


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.









Well, what I have done is put the danger in prospective. We have all been fed a lot of inaccurate information regarding strangers and the actual danger they pose.

Most children are harmed by peope they know. Most children are abuducted by people they know.

So, while that prospective might not help some, knowing the real statitics, and knowing we have been at the mercy of media ratings regading strangers, I choose to be cautious, but not overly -concerned.

The entire stranger abduction, , the whole stranger-danger hysteria, the devil -worshipping -day -care cults of the 1980's CA etc are creations of media, and do not reflect the true picture of danger.

Whether this approach can counter- act the media-frenzy culture that most people are dealing with, I don't know. But putting things in the correct context is a help to me.


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Sometimes DS 5 will go in by himself, if he decides to and I stand outside the door waiting for him.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

My preteen (11yo) and teen (13yo) would be insulted if I suggested they needed to be accompanied to the restroom. I can see where UUmom is coming from with her posts--it's shocking to me that the question is even asked of parents with children in the preteen-teen age group. That naturally gets you thinking about what causes people to feel they need to accompany their preteen into the bathroom.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinkmilk*
My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.

Yes. To smoother to the point a teen cannot use a bathroom without anxiety is not healthy place to be. We can see why some people worry, but to accept that it has to be this way is something I can't do. Real danger is real, but danger that is imagined is dibilitating and emotionally stunting.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinkmilk*
My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and *requested not having me accompany him to the washroom*...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right.

Bold mine.

I think this is one of the keys....when the child expresses interest in not being accompanied. The parent can evaluate from there and decide what works for their family.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories.

To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.


First, I'm still waiting for the post where ANYONE said children should never use bathrooms. You want to respond to that yet no one suggested that is the case. Instead what people have suggested repeatedly is that parents should look at their children's maturity and make a decision they are comfortable with.

I find it insensitive and belittling to the real pain of children who have been hurt to refer to it as "once" and "a million years ago". I would hope we are all aware that sexual abuse in many forms (most of course by people close to the child) is much more common that that and it isn't a million years ago but sadly something that happens way too often to way too many kids.

It is very possible to live ones life paying attention to risks and listening to your gut without living ruled by fear. My car has an airbag but I don't stay up nights worrying about getting in a car accident. It is possible to exercise caution and make appropriate decisions without letting it rule your life.


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

Quote:

I don't want to live my life as though everyone is a kidnapper or child rapist, and I don't want to pass that message to my kids. I understand that other people feel differently.
I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision. I think I might've personally gone a little bit bonkers with that much supervision and would've wound up (personally, for ME) with way more problems than could have been prevented. I also believe that children are more likely to be harmed by people they know than by strangers; the difference between now and 20 years ago is that now, when a kid disappears, it is on the news every five minutes for five weeks and permeates our consciousness in a totally different way. (I'm not saying Amber Alerts are bad... just that 20 years ago we were not exposed in the same way to every missing child alert.)

Here's an interesting quote from a Mayo clinic article: ""Children need to learn skills and confidence, not fear and avoidance." I totally agree with this. I plan to teach my kids to be hellions. In a library bathroom if someone approached them I can assure you THE WHOLE LIBRARY would know about it. Kids have recently escaped would-be kidnappers by kicking, screaming, fighting... my kids are going to learn to go straight for the eyeballs and ask questions later. Hopefully by giving them confidence they can walk through the world without fear, and know they DO have power.

ETA: The link to the article I quoted! http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2004-rst/2452.html


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels*
I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision.

I totally believe this is dependent on where you live.

My older three are out from without constant supervision just in the last year. We check them very frequently. My youngest (5) is never allowed outside without supervision.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
First, I'm still waiting for the post where ANYONE said children should never use bathrooms. You want to respond to that yet no one suggested that is the case. Instead what people have suggested repeatedly is that parents should look at their children's maturity and make a decision they are comfortable with.

I find it insensitive and belittling to the real pain of children who have been hurt to refer to it as "once" and "a million years ago". I would hope we are all aware that sexual abuse in many forms (most of course by people close to the child) is much more common that that and it isn't a million years ago but sadly something that happens way too often to way too many kids.

It is very possible to live ones life paying attention to risks and listening to your gut without living ruled by fear. My car has an airbag but I don't stay up nights worrying about getting in a car accident. It is possible to exercise caution and make appropriate decisions without letting it rule your life.

Roar, if you feel more comfortable accompanying your older children and preteens/teens into a public restroom, then that's what you should do. I don't know why you're so angry about my opinions on this.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels*
I totally agree with this, IMO... I've seen posts on these boards where people are scared to let their kids play.. *in their front yard*... without direct supervision. I think I might've personally gone a little bit bonkers with that much supervision and would've wound up (personally, for ME) with way more problems than could have been prevented. I also believe that children are more likely to be harmed by people they know than by strangers; the difference between now and 20 years ago is that now, when a kid disappears, it is on the news every five minutes for five weeks and permeates our consciousness in a totally different way. (I'm not saying Amber Alerts are bad... just that 20 years ago we were not exposed in the same way to every missing child alert.)

Here's an interesting quote from a Mayo clinic article: ""Children need to learn skills and confidence, not fear and avoidance." I totally agree with this. I plan to teach my kids to be hellions. In a library bathroom if someone approached them I can assure you THE WHOLE LIBRARY would know about it. Kids have recently escaped would-be kidnappers by kicking, screaming, fighting... my kids are going to learn to go straight for the eyeballs and ask questions later. Hopefully by giving them confidence they can walk through the world without fear, and know they DO have power.

ETA: The link to the article I quoted!
http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2004-rst/2452.html

Yep Yep Yep


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Roar, if you feel more comfortable accompanying your older children and preteens/teens into a public restroom, then that's what you should do. I don't know why you're so angry about my opinions on this.

As I posted earlier in the thread my 10 year old goes into the men's room alone.

Do you think that referring to people who exercise caution as "fear mongering" and referring to real children who were hurt as something a million years ago is what is bringing on the negative response here?


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
As I posted earlier in the thread my 10 year old goes into the men's room alone.

Do you think that referring to people who exercise caution as "fear mongering" and referring to real children who were hurt as something a million years ago is what is bringing on the negative response here?

I am not responsible for your feelings reguarding my posts. Your interpretation is your own.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Do you think that referring to people who exercise caution as "fear mongering" and referring to real children who were hurt as something a million years ago is what is bringing on the negative response here?


Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
I am not responsible for your feelings reguarding my posts. Your interpretation is your own.

The overriding theme of a majority of your posts seem to center around fear.

You specifically said fear-mongering in two of your posts.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.

Caution is one thing, fear-mongering is another. I simply can't accept it's healthy for 14 yr olds to be so protected that they can't use a public bathroom.

We are living in fear of our own making. That's not healthy for us, and certainly not for our children.

I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.

Real danger is real, but danger that is imagined is dibilitating and emotionally stunting.

Honestly, I don't see the point of being dismissive of another parents experiences or concerns.

I really don't think the majority of parents are taking their teens into the restroom with them. That was one example listed on the thread. As far as preteen go.....well the parent is the one who knows them the best. If the child has no objections, then why should anyone else. If the child objects and the parent doesn't allow them to go in alone.....maybe the parent has good reasons for it.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
The overriding theme of a majority of your posts seem to center around fear.

You specifically said fear-mongering in two of your posts.

Honestly, I don't see the point of being dismissive of another parents experiences or concerns.

I really don't think the majority of parents are taking their teens into the restroom with them. That was one example listed on the thread. As far as preteen go.....well the parent is the one who knows them the best. If the child has no objections, then why should anyone else. If the child objects and the parent doesn't allow them to go in alone.....maybe the parent has good reasons for it.

I suggest you read Protecting The Gift, and Freakanomics.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
I suggest you read Protecting The Gift, and Freakanomics.

Been there.....done that. Thanks for the suggestions though.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini*
The overriding theme of a majority of your posts seem to center around fear.

You specifically said fear-mongering in two of your posts.

Honestly, I don't see the point of being dismissive of another parents experiences or concerns.

I really don't think the majority of parents are taking their teens into the restroom with them. That was one example listed on the thread. As far as preteen go.....well the parent is the one who knows them the best. If the child has no objections, then why should anyone else. If the child objects and the parent doesn't allow them to go in alone.....maybe the parent has good reasons for it.

My impression was not that UUMom was accusing other mothers of fearmongering, but the media and society in general in the USA go in for fearmongering, which is giving parents an inflated sense of danger to their children.

Quote:

If the child objects and the parent doesn't allow them to go in alone.....maybe the parent has good reasons for it.
Maybe the parent does ....or maybe the parent thinks she does, but in fact has been brainwashed by the media fearmongering.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Maybe the parent does ....or maybe the parent thinks she does, but in fact has been brainwashed by the media fearmongering.

Or maybe the parent has a clue and is following their instincts.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
My impression was not that UUMom was accusing other mothers of fearmongering, but the media and society in general in the USA go in for fearmongering, which is giving parents an inflated sense of danger to their children.

Is it more polite in your book to call someone a dupe than to call them a fear monger?


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
I am not responsible for your feelings reguarding my posts. Your interpretation is your own.

Ah, posting information straight from therapy 101.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar*
Is it more polite in your book to call someone a dupe than to call them a fear monger?

Try calling me a dupe and I'll let you know.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Hi all,

it seems that this issue has been discussed thoroughly. I think the OP has been answered adequately. On that note this thread is now closed though it will remain in the forum for reference.

Thank you,

Kelly


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