# Respect for themselves when boyfriends have no morals



## time4dogs (Oct 16, 2010)

My 13 old daughter came home last year and told me she had a boyfriend. I smiled, offered some advice without sounding controlling and tried to be supportive (inside I was screaming "you are way too young for this"). We are usually able to openly talk about most things so I was happy that she was sharing. He was very affectionate toward her in school, kissing her before she got on the bus and they were texting constantly. I was trying to go with the flow and just checking in through conversation that she was using good judgement. We have talked about sex, peer pressure etc and I have shared my experiences with her both positive and negative. So after a few weeks he dumps her to make his rounds with 6-8 other girls. Before school is out for summer he comes pleading back to my daughter that she is the only one for him. She gives him that chance and then I find out he pressures her into sending a phone picture of herself in her underwear which after reading the texts I could see she was very reluctant in doing. I block his number on her phone and then she finds out he is two timing her with 2 to 3 other girls texting them how much he loves them. So this school year starts and my daughter and I laugh about the reputation this kid is getting going from girl to girl and how my daughter wants NOTHING to do with him. So yesterday she comes home and says he has been so nice to her and she is now in a relationship with him again (slap me). I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?


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## LilacRhodes (Sep 2, 2010)

I'd stay out of it, and just be there for her. That worked well with my daughter.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Thirteen is too young to be in such a grown up situation on her own. You are very right not to "just stay out of it." That would feel very wrong to me.

I don't have a 13 year old yet (I do have a 13 year old sibling), this just caught my attention from the main page but wow. Thirteen is way too young to deal with that much pressure alone. He's pressuring her to send naked/nearly naked pictures of herself? That is just not cool. If I came here as an adult and posted, "I'm seeing this guy and he is pressuring me to send him naked photos of myself" all the advice would be along the lines of you need to dump him, anyone who would pressure you to do things you don't feel comfortable with is not respecting you, etc. Doesn't a 13 year old deserve respect and good advice?

I don't think I'd try to punish her, but I'd try to set her up in a situation where she couldn't do that again. You can't put a child in an adult situation and expect her to make grown up decisions. I know that's not a popular thought on this forum, but from what I see around me and from what I remember about being a 13 year old, it's true.

My first "boyfriend" was when I was around 14. He was older and just a lot more worldly so my parents told me if I wanted to see him, he could come to our house (there was no going in my room and shutting the door, but everyone kind of vacated the family room and looked busy) and he obviously called me on the house phone because it was like 1987


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## LilacRhodes (Sep 2, 2010)

.


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Having a very close relationship with my 15 year old DSD, I've been through a lot when it comes to boys (and girls)... Keep doing what you are doing but know that she is still young and not quite sure of herself yet. That's normal. Just keep his number blocked and let her know that you don't agree with her choice in boyfriends. However, she is probably going to stay with him a little longer. Then the newness and excitement is going to wear off. 13 year olds generally don't stay with one boyfriend for very long. Eventually, she will move on and realize it's not worth it. It just takes them longer to realize that at that age.

As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.

We just recently went through this with my step-daughter. She was dating a boy that was everything we DON'T want for her. He admittedly did drugs, had pictures of himself holding weapons on his facebook and had very dirty "quotes" on his page... it made me sick that my upstanding, responsible, beautiful DSD was with this potentially dangerous young man. Her mother threw a FIT over it and forbade him from calling her, talking to her and tried to make DH do the same. We didn't. We let her know that we didn't agree with her choice, we were disappointed and wished she loved herself enough to chose better. It went on for another 2 weeks and then she realized that he was exactly what we said he was. She broke up with him... and now she is with a new boyfriend. One that I absolutely ADORE. He comes over to our house for dinner, he comes to my children's birthday parties. They have SO much in common, they are ADORABLE together and he's the most respectful young man. He's everything I could have dreamed of for my DSD. Heck, I'll admit it... if anything happens between them, *I'll* be upset. I love him to death!

So just remember, relationships at that age are fleeting. Right now, some of the excitement probably comes from the fact that you don't want her with him. Kids have to make their own mistakes... and learn from them and she will. We all had our stupid boyfriends at that age... it's part of growing up.


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## Kristin0105 (Mar 1, 2008)

I'd keep talking to her and I would insist that any time spent together be in your presence. Have you spoken with his parents. If not I would definitely make contact with them so you are all on the same page.

13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.


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## Minxie (Apr 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kristin0105* 
13 is way to young to be dealing with such adult decisions. IF he is pressuring her to take pictures is he also pressuring her into sexual activity.

*The issue of the pictures is a serious one he could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.* Your daughter also needs to understand that any picture sent to him may and probably will be shared with all his friends.


I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. *she* could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of *her* life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the *girls* sending pics of *themselves* were charged with child pornography.


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Minxie* 
I saw this on the main page; I don't have a thirteen-year-old but wanted to mention that the issue of the pictures is a serious one. *she* could be charged with a sex crime and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of *her* life. There was a case a few months ago wherein the *girls* sending pics of *themselves* were charged with child pornography.

Those were also completely naked pictures... this is in her underwear. Definitely a no-no but let's not scare the poor woman into thinking her 13 year old daughter might be labeled a sex offender just yet. Definitely something you want to talk to her about so that it doesn't EVER get to that point but it's not going to get her arrested. Also, PP makes a good point that her picture may get passed around to all of his friends... not something a 13 year old wants happening, I'm sure.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached2Elijah* 
As for the picture, have a talk about self-respect and let her know you are disappointed. Then let it go. A mama's disappointment is a very powerful weapon to a girl.

Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually _did_ was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment _is_ a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Tread carefully with that one. My mom expressed disappointment in me a few times when I was a teen (understandably, in retrospect - I made some really dumb decisions/choices). I know she was just trying to get through to me, but what she actually _did_ was make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It was only a small part of our relationship, but it sunk in way, way deeper than she ever meant it to. This came up in a conversation with my sister recently, and mom said she'd do it differently if she could, because she never meant to make us feel that way.

A mama's disappointment _is_ a very powerful weapon - but is a weapon really the first tool one wants to reach for when trying to help a young teen navigate the world around them?









I definitely agree with you... I guess I should have said let her know you are disappointed with her actions, not her as a whole.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Stay out of it? When the guy was pressuring the OPs daughter to send him pics of her in her underwear at 13. Um no way, I'm not staying out of that. I'd be severly limiting her contact with him too.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Without the whole "send me racy pics" deal, I'd say back off. But with that aspect? I'd be on the phone with boy's parents in a heartbeat and make it plain that he can knock it off or expect a call from the cops.

BTDT when my boy sent an inappropriate photo to a girl he liked (at HER request). When the father called me and said he didn't want my son contacting his daughter again or he'd be contacting the cops? I can tell ya I put the fear of God in him. And he did cut off contact - SHE is the one who kept contacting him. I made sure that he kept copies of all of her texts and emails, plus his one-time response via each media (cc'd to me) asking her to stop contacting him.

Kids do stupid things.


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## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

I don't have kids but I can tell you about this from the other side of things. (It wasn't really THAT long ago!)

I was about that age when I first started dating. I was with the same guy for 1 year, 1 week, 3 days. (I have *NO* idea why I can remember that either!) Our dates were supervised and we weren't allowed to do anything too crazy. We kept it in our pants until 11 months. He was my first. (We were 14....don't judge, please!) We did send sexy texts and we did get physical at that age. (That was before pic/vid messages though... there probably would have been some of that too.)

It's funny, my fiancé and I were talking about this last night and while I thought I had it all in control then, I don't think I was ready to do the things I did when I was only barely a teen. My own kids won't have it so easy, I can promise you all that.

This boy sounds like bad news, IMO.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.

As for your daughter, Id tell her he could be her "boyfriend" if she wants, but her has to call on the house line and she cant go anywhere w/ him w/o supervision.


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama* 
Woah, is there seriously a chance that a 13 yo could be labeled "sex offender" for the rest of her/his life? Children have committed much worse crimes before 18 and its limited to their juvie record.


If it's nude pictures, then yes there is a very good chance... as for the OP's child sending pictures in just her underwear, no there's not. It's definitely toeing the line but it's not quite the same as nude pics. I don't really understand how sending another underage child pictures would warrant that kind of action but it has and does happen.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

I recall a beautiful young lady here in Ohio who killed herself after txting her bf a nude picture.He sent it out to friends,and it was all over the school.Share that story.

As for the boyfriend I would express concern over his hopping around from girl to girl.He may pick up a disease or 2 that he will give your daughter,so a lesson in diseases/symptoms is in order.It is not being a nagging mom-it is the thing to do when you expose yourself.

Other than those 2 things and the no-contact rule out of school that is all I can think of.Best wishes!


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## mar123 (Apr 14, 2008)

I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.


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## ErinYay (Aug 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mar123* 
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.

TOTALLY O/T, but seriously?! And people wonder why rape and sexual assault victims are rarely believed...

I mean, I get where they're going with this, but teaching boys not to do naughty things because girls are liars seems so very wrong to me.


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## mar123 (Apr 14, 2008)

The tone presented was really more, "don't ask her to do it because she will not protect you over herself." The boys I see around here often think they can talk girls into anything; some of them can, honestly. The things I see make me terrified for my own kids.

One thing that did bother me with the presentation was the tone that it is only boys asking for these pics. Girls today can be VERY aggresive. I know many moms (myself included) who have simply disabled the MMS feature on their kids phones. It solves that entire problem.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

From two years ago, girl charged with sex offense.

I don't think being scared is helpful, but parents simply need to take the issues seriously and know that it can happen. Don't dismiss it.


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## pbjmama (Sep 20, 2007)

Does your school have a liason police officer? Talk to the officer and have the officer talk to the kids.


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## The Duchess (Mar 11, 2005)

pbj mama I'm thinking along the same lines. This is all happening at school and it sounds like numerous girls are involved, I would make sure the counselor, Principal etc. are aware of this so they can educate the school population and also hopefully breathe down the neck of this boy.

I remember how wise and sophisticated I was at 13 and yet in reality sooo naive. Girls of this age can convince each other something is the "norm" because peer groups reign for young teens. Burst the bubble and give them all a reality check before someone does something stupid or something they regret. Get the school to talk to ALL the kids and if necessary roll out a police officer so they know the law is not on the side of horny cyber manipulators.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mar123* 
I teach high school, and just last week we had the local DA come and talk to the kids about "sexting" with words and pictures. First of all, in every state it is different. Our students were told it is all about age, as to what they can be charged with etc. One thing that stood out to me was this: if a girl sends the pictures, but says she was coerced to send them, then it is all on the boy. The DA made a point to the boys of pointing out that when pressured by her family and trying to stay out of trouble, most girls will say they were coerced.


What? I would so be at the school board, if I had a child in that school. In fact, I'd be calling the chief of police about their program.


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## time4dogs (Oct 16, 2010)

Thank you for all the replies, it has offered support and really made me think how I want to handle this...but now I am faced with another situation. I had told her I did not approve of the so called "relationship" with this boy and she was only to have contact during school. I do not want to be the kind of mother who reads text messages or invades privacy. My mother did this to me in such a vindictive way my entire life and I ended up hating her for it and still harbor resentment. So I have given my daughter a lot of liberties within the guidelines of safety and some restrictions. She has her cell phone at all times but no calls or texting after 10 on schoolnights. She has a facebook, but was very reluctant to let me have the password. I always tell her that privileges come with using good judgement and being responsible. Well I became suspicious since she has been suggesting that I should go to the store or take her brother and a friend swimming. I got on her facebook and saw a lot messages between her and this boy. She had been using her ipod touch to chat with him and the messages were anywhere from 11 at night to 4:30 in the morning. She has also been calling him from our house phone at 11 or later while I was asleep. I also read that she met him at a park while at a friends house. Their conversations are about who loves each other more and he says prove it......long kisses at school...and about what will happen the next time they get together that sounds like more than just kissing. Tonight I stayed up and heard her talking on the phone to him....I opened her door and told her to give me the phone and to handover laptop, cell phone, etc.. She was hysterical and yelling that her sneaking around was my fault since I would not let her see him. I told her that sounds like you feel entitled to break the rules when you don't agree with them. I decided not to get into a shouting match and plan to talk more tomorrow or the next few days since tomorrow she will ignore me and slam doors to express her anger. I can let her earn the cellphone and laptop back in time, but I will not meet her half way with this boy and I feel it will be the end all of our positive relationship. Also I don't want to tell her that I read her facebook and face those consequences....sounds like I am terrified of her hating me. She just turned 13 and though I feel she has always been wise beyond her years, but the hormones and this independent disrespectful attiude are leading her down a path she is too young for...not to mention how much I hate this boy. Open to more advice..thanks


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

Child pornography.

Perhaps you should let her know where she will end up if she is caught distributing child pornography even if she is the model.

She doesn't need a bf at 13. my opinion.

Plus promise you those nudish photos of her have been seen by more than just him and possibly already on the internet which is permanent.


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

Sorry, I just now read the last post. Good for you. Those toys are earned out of respect. It is not her right to have them and I'm glad you took them all away. You definatly need to reign her in.

To lie to you.. boy.. I feel for you. If she can't be truthful about where she is then she needs to stay home. She would not be getting any toys from me for quite awhile and her facebook would be gone. I already don't believe in children having such things. Facebook/myspace I believe are all about hooking up. Sorry but it's what *I* believe. It's just another place to be bullied and talked into doing things that you wouldn't otherwise say in person.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

If i had his number i would call it, introduce myself, tell him i knew he was asking her to send these pictures, i knew he was cheating on her, i knew he was treating her like crap and i was sure his parents would be interested to hear all about it too. I would put the fear of MamaBear into him! I would email the links re: the child pornography charges to her, i would tell her she's only as good as she lets people treat her, i won't trust her if she's not trustworthy, i won't respect her if she doesn't respect herself, and the next time he does something horrible to her i would tell her the truth "why would he not do this, when you have showed him over and over it is ok to do so?"

Some lessons you just have to learn. She might learn it now or later, but she needs to learn. On the whole i would rather my DD's learn about it at 13 when they are still living at home and less likely to be having sex/getting deeply embroiled than when they are 20 and may be married to, having kids with or being beaten by the jerk they are letting wipe his feet on them.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Well I wouldn't let my 13 year old have a facebook account in the first place. And the way she is acting, I would remove the ability to text from her cell phone completely, if I even gave her access to the phone. She hasn't earned the trust to have it. I'd take away the ipod touch too.

I had once incident where dd had made a yahoo email address at about 13 to email someone she met online. She didn't consult me, which she knew was expected. I put an end to that. And we had a detailed discussion on internet safety. But she never gave me the kind of rebellion you are getting so I'm not sure what to say she could do to earn your trust back and her things.


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

*sigh*

OP,









I'm sorry. She sounds like me at 13/14/15. It is awful. I haven't been on the parent side of this yet, but I know it's coming in 12 years or so. I think that you did the right thing. She's showing poor judgment by breaking the rules. How can you trust her judgment on boys if you can't trust her to stay off the phone? I think that she (not you) has broken the trust, and she needs to work to get it back. So no internet, no phone, no toys. And I think she should figure out how she's going to earn that trust back.

I would also call his parent(s) and let him know that if I find out that he has been contacting her I'm going to call the police. If she says this is embarassing, OH WELL, she had the opportunity to handle it herself and didn't. Old enough to break the rules, old enough to bear the consequences. I tell myself all the time (with my 2 year old!), "if she's happy with me all of the time, I'm doing something wrong..." Good luck.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Have you talked to her, when she's calmer, about having respect for herself? Something like - she's worth too much to you and should be worth too much to herself, to be with a boy who would place her so low in his own respect that he cheats on her? You love her so much it hurts to see her demean herself by accepting a boy who's willing to treat her so badly.To tell her to demand he show respect for her by treating her right, respecting her own boundaries and all that?

I know that this is kind of a wierd thing, but sometimes songs get through to kids, and while I don't know much of what is on the radio these days, one of the things that got through to my oldest DSD was Prince's song "P**** Control." (read the lyrics, before getting hung up on the title). Oh, something else, my second oldest DSD was in this peer educator group that put on shows where they did skits that dealt with issues like puberty, body image, relationships, sex, sexual orientation, domestic violence and such, could you investigate and see if there such a local group for you? Maybe she could get involved or at least get acquainted with such a group. That might work wonders for any blinders she might have on due to that heady rush of smittenness.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

What about calling HIS parents? Let his parents know what he is suggesting. As other people have pointed out--there are serious consequences to "sexting" pix, I would be grateful if a parent let me know what was happening before any damage had been done.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Sounds like she needs a crash course in what a healthy relationship looks like. It doesn't look like whats happening - "prove it"????!!! WHAT??? In a healthy relationship there is no need to prove anything.

I would get MORE involved. She'll thank you later. Is there a women's organization around you that does teen education regarding relationships? She won't listen to you I guarantee it, but she might listen to someone else. Do you know anyone who's been in a bad relationship that she has lots of respect for? Talking to that person, and letting them take her to coffee might be good for her.

I would start looking into making sure she has ALL the info she needs about birth control, sex, babies, abusive relationships, etc. Maybe some good, well placed articles that she might stumble upon??

All this.

It sounds like you're dealing with both teen stuff (the hormonal upheaval, struggle to find their identity, etc.) _and_ the irrational behaviour that can develop in a toxic relationship. She's dedicated herself to this boy, and he's manipulating her. I've never figured out how to help my _adult_ friends who end up in relationships like this, so I don't know what to say about your dd, either...but she definitely needs a crash course on some very grown up topics. She's probably convinced that she _has_ to be a "good girlfriend" (no matter what it takes) and that he's the most important person in her life.


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## mclisa (Jul 26, 2004)

I think you should mention to her that those pictures she might take are forever. They are his once they are on his phone and he can do what he likes with them. Maybe he will delete, maybe he will save them forever in case she ever becomes famous, or more likely: he will pass them around to his friends.


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## FarrenSquare (Jun 4, 2010)

You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.

I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.

I know tensions are probably VERY high at home right now, but maybe she could make a list of all the reasons why she likes this guy so much? All the reasons why she wants him to be her boyfriend? And then make a second list - all the qualities she wants and needs in a boyfriend to be happy. She might find that the lists don't match up.

But ultimately, instead of banning me from the phone like my mom did - I wish she had sat down with me and told me not only was I beautiful inside and out, but that there were a ton of other boys out there that would want a relationship with me - cuter, nicer, and more respectful boys, and it was worth the wait.

$0.02


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## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

This boy is a predator and certainly he was/ is collecting other pics and targeting other girls. I would do anything within my power to stop their contact, including removing her from the school.


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## mom2ponygirl (Jun 6, 2006)

*Respect: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed*

This book is a great starting place for discussing these issues.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *FarrenSquare*
> 
> You know, when I was a young teen in love with the wrong guy, I really wish someone had taken a step back and looked at the real issue: My confidence level. Boys were new and exciting, and hormones drove that feeling to a different level - but the deeper issue that really contributed to allowing myself to be manipulated and eventually assaulted by these pushy teenage boys was the fact that I was not as confident in myself as people believed.
> 
> I wish someone had taken me aside and really told me that I was worth more. That boys out there would treat me with respect and dignity, but that it was my job to demand it. I really did feel like I had to latch on to the boys that liked ME because maybe no other boy would ever feel that way towards me again. And I was an extremely confident girl to any outsider, I never really displayed any signs of lacking self-esteem except when it came to boys. I think society and outside influences subconsiously pressed the idea into my mind to GRASP ANY MAN and be the ultimate man-pleaser, because could I do better? Maybe not. And having a man was better than being alone.


This.

At 18, I dropped out of university, married the loser I'd been dating for six months, and moved a few thousand miles away from home with him. All with about $200 in my pocket and never having met his family. He made me feel needed, and I needed to feel needed.

A few years ago, I was chatting with my mother and mentioned something about having been so insecure as a kid/teen, and she was surprised. Apparently, she'd had no idea. I guess that's what happens when you don't get involved and don't talk to your kids.


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## BFandHS (Aug 5, 2004)

OP, how are things going?


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## amnesiac (Dec 28, 2001)

Quote:


> I told her I am trying to raise her with self respect and I just don't understand why she has made this decision. Now she won't even let me talk to her about it....just says "stop it." I said she can see him in school because I can't control that, but I won't allow any communication outside of school. If he wants to talk to her he can call the house phone (how scary). Now she is mad at me and her tone is disrespectful and I am getting angry. What is the best way to handle this?


I think that it is generally more effective to focus on dd's behavior and feelings rather than this boy's. I think that prohibiting communication or contact with a specific boy probably only fuels the desire & dishonesty. It just seems like it would better serve her for this event and for her future if she felt empowered to honor and respect herself. I would prefer to focus on why one would send pics of themselves & how that action might be detrimental rather than focusing on the fact that a particular boy asked her to. Because you can't always control who she's around, you can help her learn to feel confident in responding appropriately.


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## vancouverlori (Sep 5, 2003)

Wow, this is a tough one. One of those stories that makes me grateful for the acne that protected me as a teen, and grateful that my 16-yo DD isn't really interested in boys yet. (Mind you, she did come home from a party last week with what appeared to be a hickey near her collarbone... despite my friendly teasing comments, I got no details!)

I'm getting a feeling like this situation is partly to do with popularity. For whatever reason, this young cad is the "hot man on campus" and every girl wants to be with him to increase her own status. And he wants to be seen with all these girls because - as mainstream media seems to be programming - this increases his status. Maybe you need to figure out a way that dating him *reduces* her status. Or maybe it would be better to find a way that him dating her reduces *his* status - since he's the one in control here. Being socially awkward, I'm not too sure how one might engineer either of those situations, but maybe someone else might know?

Does your daughter have any good reliable friends? If so, it might be worth talking to them to get their take on the situation. Or talking to your DD about what makes this person a friend... a boyfriend should be, first and foremost, a friend. And if her good friends are concerned about this too, then it may help to work together to do some kind of intervention - she may be more likely to listen if her friends are also telling her what you are.

Also, I would strongly suspect that at least some level of sexual activity has been started. Not necessarily "all the way", but at least partway there. The most insidious feature of inappropriate sexual contact is that - physically, in the moment - it feels good, right? Definitely worth doing some sex ed here. Likely she may not yet have come across real useful info about safe sex, sexually transmitted infections, etc. yet. Scarleteen carries lots of info, but bear in mind that it's not anti-sex/pro-abstinence - it's not going to discourage her. But it's real info, presented specifically for teens, and it may get through to her. That particular page is the STI section, but there's lots more. Your message could be... "I don't know if this is part of what's going on, and I don't approve if it is. But if you think you can handle it, then you need to read *all* of this."

It could also be helpful to talk to the boy's parents. It may not help (they may not care, or they may even approve of his "prowess"), but it's worth a try.

And maybe a counsellor of some sort would be helpful? NOT a school counsellor - a psychologist of some sort. Maybe for you. Definitely for her. I agree that self-esteem is likely a part of this.

Good luck!


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