# Loss of baby at 6 months along



## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

My dear sister-in-law is experiencing a horrible loss. My bro-in-law called us last night to tell us that her 6 month check-up revealed that they had lost their baby-no heartbeat.
The entire family...all of us are very, very sad. We are going to call them in a bit and offer to come if they are open to that and perhaps help with childcare (they have two other children), bring food-whatever they want.
She has a follow-up appointment on Monday (they use regular mainstream care for pregnancy and birth).
My question is, I think they will induce her since the baby was so far along.
I respectfully ask that if anyone has information about what she can expect at the point, I think it would be helpful for her.
Thank you.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your family's loss...

The only advice I can give on the actual birth/hospital part is that she will likely experience things very close to a full term birth--pitocin induction, epidural if she wants, etc. She'll experience dilation, contractions, pushing, the whole thing...and at 6 months, the baby will likely be much smaller than she's used to seeing.

I would encourage her to hold her baby, or at the very least have someone (her DH, the nurses, etc.) take as many pictures as possible. Ask the staff to get her hand/foot prints, hand/foot molds, allow her to give her baby a bath and dress the baby if she'd like (I didn't even think to ask if I could bathe my baby, and I didn't know if it was "appropriate" to unwrap him and dress him...but there is NO inappropriate when it comes to mothering a baby you'll only get to mother for moments). If you have a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer in your area, maybe call him/her up--they will do free professional portraits of the baby (that's another thing I didn't know existed until after the fact).








: Again, I am so sorry...


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

I saw this post on the new post board.
I don't have any advice for her. I do want to say I am very sorry that she and your family has to go through that.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Thank you for kind words...I will share this forum with her.
It is so tragic...
I am just thinking of how to comfort her/them today. Whatever they want/need.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I just can't stop crying. I just felt him move in his mama's belly at Thanksgiving...little Atticus. What could have gone wrong?


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## Madawyh (Dec 20, 2008)

First of all I want to say how very sorry I am that your family is experiencing this loss. A loss at any point is heartbreaking, but this is especially hard.

I've had two friends experience late losses - one at about this same point and then another at term.

I second what allyrae said - she described it very well.

Your sister will be treated with love and compassion - the room will be kept the way she wants it - quiet and dark if she wishes. Were they planning on having a doula originally? Depending on who will be there supporting them a doula might be helpful because she can help explain what is happening and make sure that the parent's wishes are followed.

I hope that they will be encouraged to hold the baby and take pictures. Even at 6 months the baby will be perfectly formed - just very tiny. This is still their child and I know it has helped my friends to have time with the baby, taking pictures, etc. This also helps older siblings.

It is up to the parents whether they feel comfortable letting their other children see and hold the baby - or just see pictures. It's important for them to have closure as well and understand the process.

She may or may not experience lactation - and hopefully she will be advised on how to handle any discomfort she may experience.

Be patient with them - but also give them space to grieve as a family. When this happens so many experience sadness, but it's very important for mom and dad to grieve together as well - by themselves.

Be strong for them. Maybe you can help arrange some meals for when they come home - childcare etc. Just surround them with love - but understand their need for space if they need it


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your SIL. My thoughts are with them during this tragic time.









Do you know when she'll be induced?

I went to L&D in the p.m. to get u/s confirmation that he was gone (I already knew) and I was induced the following morning. Cytotec is often used in these cases, especially if there's no cervical ripening going on. They will often be more aggressive with whatever uterine stimulants being used, like cytotec and pitocin. It's because they don't have a baby to consider or worry about, so they are more willing to be more aggressive with the dosage they use to induce. I have many issues with cytotec and SO didn't want to me induced with it. I was fortunate to be 4 cm dilated and only required pitocin. I don't care for pitocin either, but it's really the only option in cases like this.

Pain medication was heavily pushed on me. I was planning a homebirth and wanted absolutely nothing to do with medical interventions. But again, these sort of cases aren't normal. It took me a while to consent to the epidural. The OB wouldn't even do a VE until I had the epidural in. He didn't want to cause me physical pain. I just wasn't in the right mindset to argue over it. I don't think I cared at that point. I absolutely hated the epidural. I almost had an anxiety attack over it at one point. I don't like not being in control. I'm sure I wouldn't have cared for the pitocin induced contractions, though during the last 30 minutes I felt the contractions on my right side and they weren't bad. I was dealing with poly issues and he was malpositioned from floating in all the fluid. The process seemed to take forever, but it actually wasn't that long.

Encourage her to take lots of pictures. The bereavement staff will likely have a keepsake box for her. She can get the baby's footprints and dress the baby in a special outfit.

I know this may sound off-putting, but tell her to be prepared for the baby's appearance to look "off." The longer they stay in the womb/fluid the more deterioration/maceration will be present at birth. I wasn't warned of this and I would have liked if someone told me what to expect.

Again, I'm so sorry for your family's loss.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

The other ladies have said everything so beautifully. I just wanted to add once again.. pictures! They can't take too many... you will always desire MORE - I've got quite a few, but there just aren't enough. I didn't even think to get one of Shaun and I both together with Dresden.







AND all the pictures of me with him.. I look -well, I look like I just had a c-section and birthed a dead baby. (I know some don't like that term.. but when it fits, I have to use it.) So, not great! Just give them as much love and support as they want.. at first, I didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone! My grandma called the hospital, and my mom talked to her, then said "Ma wants to talk to you" I took the phone and my voice cracked as I said Hello.. and just lost it compltely.. I don't know why talking on the phone was so hard for me. I don't know if they plan on cremation or burial, but funeral homes seem to give a 'deal' to parents like us.. We cremated Dresden for 100 bucks... the urns from ther funeral home are still $$$$$ we bought ours online and saw some of the exact same ones for a third of the price! www.perfectmemorials.com is where we got our stuff - it came quickly and was all very nice. And please, send her here.. I can tell you that the thing that's helped me most is KNOWING that I'm not alone. and sharing my son's life and death with others.. who genuinely wholeheartedly care! I know they care this way, because I CARE this deeply for their babies too. Many hugs to your family.. I wish this didn't happen.
OH.. I'm not sure if you are out of town from her.. my sister in law came with her 3 young kids from Kansas to be with us.. and at the time, I was like.. no no.. you shouldn't.. but wow, was I grateful for her doing that! It meant so much to Shaun and I that she made such a huge effort to be with us.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I definitely wish we took more pictures.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

My doctor insisted on inducing me immediately. They wouldn't even let me go home over night. I had cervadil, pitocin, epidural, morphine, sleeping pills. It was awful to be in so much pain so I was glad to have the pain drugs and the sleeping pills. I was in labor for 2.5 days. They told me that with second tri inductions it can take a long time.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Broken record here, but if no other explanation for the loss is found, she should be tested for blood clotting disorders. That is important for her own health even if she does not have any more pregnancies.

ETA physically, it was very similar to my live birth with DS except that pushing was easier/ faster.


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## Aquitane (Aug 26, 2008)

I am sorry for your family's loss. My best friend lost a baby at around the same time (6 months). MDC has been a great source of information as a support person. My friend wanted to talk about her experience a lot at first. She went through a period where she was really angry about what happened to her; she would get angry about things that really weren't connected to the birth, but that was her way of being angry with what happened. Next came a period where she didn't want to speak to anyone. That was the hardest part for those of us close to her. I don't think anyone could go through something like that and not be a changed person, so that's something to remember as well.

Take care, she's lucky to have you.


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## sunflowers (Sep 24, 2006)

The hospital wherre my still baby was born did not have any real sort of preparations for that sort of scenero. I wish they would have had some kind of room that was not on the active L&D floor where I could hear all of the live babies being born while mine was not alive. That was very painful.

I was also given a berievement box with pictures, footprints, and the clothing and blanket dd wore while I held her. At the time it was very painful to take home but years later I really treasure those little memories.

The rest of the ladies here have mentioned anything else I could offer.








to your SIL


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

It sounds like everyone else has given you a lot of good information about what she can expect. I'll add just a few things (not about the birth part though).

Write Atticus' birthday down and remember it next year. Let them know you are thinking of them on the due date. Tell them you miss Atticus. Call her baby by name. They'll receive a lot of support immediately, but people forget very easily while they will still be hurting.

And you can always get in touch with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. She will treasure any and all pictures taken.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

yeah pictures pictures pictures. Call someone @ now i lay me down to sleep, hopefully there is a photographer in her area that will come to take pics right after birth. I have only a few. my two biggest regrets was not holding Micah enough and not nearly enough pictures. so hold him a ton. and pics.

I'm SO sorry.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Let me just send my condolences on their loss. Everyone else has said everything. NILMDTS is a must for every bereaved parent! Those pictures mean the world to me. If they choose to have a viewing, have them ask her/him to take funeral home pictures. My friend took pictures through our daughter's viewing and I am so thankful she did that.

I also think the footprint idea is wonderful! We did our daughter's the day before her funeral. I love seeing those little piggies hanging on my wall.

Would you be able to get them a shadow box for their sons outfit, blanket, and other small mementos???

This is going to be really hard on them with this being so close to christmas, so if you all can, do something special for them.

If you take food over, chances are good she won't want to eat at all. Make her a plate anyways. Help out with household chores like laundry and cleaning and dishes. I know this idea won't be liked too much here, but get them things like paper plates, paper towels, cups, and eating utensils so they don't have to worry about a sink full of dishes. Anything to give them a break from everything will be helpful.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

so sorry. i totally agree about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but also offer to take some pictures or fetch a camera for them. the professionals do amazing work, but my husbands pictures are more *raw.* ask the parents if you can arrange them to come for them. also, if they need any help finding a funeral home, etc. offer to be that person for them. and, let them know you grieve with them. it was comforting to me to hear and see my family shedding tears with me. they are lucky to have you, just try to read what they need and be there when they need it. and maybe a christmas gift for their sweet baby, something like an engraved silver spoon to put in the memory box.


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## shibababy (Feb 27, 2003)

I'm sorry your family is going through this. I have no experience with induction, but I know it was important for others to talk about my baby. Encourage her to hold the baby for as long as she wants and yes, take tons of pictures.

The hospital did take pictures, but the ones that look like the baby I remember holding were the ones I took myself with my cell phone, so make sure they take their own camera or video camera.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I sent the links to this forum and NILMDTS to my SIL and got a call from BIL telling me that they are not interested at all. We dropped off a plant and some groceries yesterday (did not go in because BIL said she was not up for visitors) but were told to absolutely not bring any kind of baby memorabilia. It is too painful for her.
I am afraid that I offended or created more pain for them....or even worse, that they feel their privacy is invaded by the snoopy SIL who posts their life online : (
*Sigh* It's so hard to know how to do the right thing. I've belong to Mothering.com for 6 years and have always found so much love, support and information here...I was meaning to pass that along.
I'm sure all of you know how it feels to get well-intended help that missed the target.
Thanks for all of the stories, advice and love. I am so sorry for all of your losses...I think you moms are heroes for surviving the loss of your angels.
Love,
Mel.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Maybe in time they are able to appreciate your gestures ... grief is such an overwhelming thing and has lots of different phases. It might be too painful right not (and it may stay that way for your SIL permanently - we all grieve differently) but she might be glad of the information you provided at some future point.

They may seem to rebuff your advances (I find I'm still not great around other people 9 weeks down the line) but just know that they don't mean it personally - it's a coping mechanism.

Please don't think you have caused more pain for them - you have offered help and supprt with the best intentions.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Thank you for that.
My dh made a beautiful beautiful tribute to Atticus...an amazing homemade card with amazing words and message. He did not give it after all.
I told him that we can keep it on our mantle today and light a candle for SIL/BIL and Atticus.
We can still send them our love this way and manage our grief too (not that we are important in any of this...but admittedly, we feel horrible pain too).


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Tell them how deeply you hurt for YOUR loss too it will make them feel like he will be missed by others


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

okay...the probably have already given birth to the baby.







I am posting to encourage some things. You have already been very supportive of the family just by posting your question. The first helpful post to your concerns was spot on. It was exactly what I would have said. I lost a baby girl at 22 weeks and i love the pics, being able to hold her. ect...from now on, please contact the family often. If they reply with nothing when you ask "how can I help?" do something anyways. a friend of ours brought us oj, flowers and ferrerro rocher chocolates and cherries. So sweet. and we drank wine that night and enjoyed all she gave us.Clean her house for her, do her laundry, rent her movies, buy her a massage, watch her other kids if she has any. Of course you don't have to do all of these, but choose ones that she would apprecite. and thank you for being so kind to the family, if it's not thought of now, it will be appreciated by them down the road.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

We met my BIL/kids at the park and he went home to spend some time alone with SIL. We were able to help with that at least. I almost broke into tears when my 4 year old niece said, "My mama loosed her baby. It died." And I responded, "I know Honey...I'm so sorry." And she said, "She did everything right...." and I said, "Yes, she did...it's nobody's fault...it just happened."

They went to the hospital to be induced last night. We haven't heard any updates yet.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

cook for them... ring the doorbell w/ a big dish of something they'll love, leave it on the stoop w/ a note. maybe coordinate a few friends/family to do the same thing. try to keep it healthy... my MIL cooked us a bunch of casseroles and put them in the freezer. i SO appreciated it, but was SO done with cheese and chicken by the end of them!! but, it's hard to get back into the swing of life and get to the grocery store and cook.

go grocery shopping for them. email your brother and ask for a list of some of their most common grocery items and go out and grab them for them. (or just go pick up common stuff). my SIL offered to go grocery shopping for me but it felt too weird to ask her to do that for me (though she offered) but i would have loved to not have to go to the store for a while... the first few times i was out in public after our loss were really difficult. i wanted to shout to everyone what had happened to me.

we're all thinking of your family...


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I tend to want to FEED people in times of joy and crisis...so I appreciate affirmations that offering love through food IS appreciated.
I do not know if they will want to join the Christmas gathering that always happens at my MIL's house. I asked my dh to suggest to MIL that we delay the Christmas gathering for at least a few weeks or until BIL/SIL are ready for it. The hard part is that there are so many kids...our 2, BIL/SIL's other 2, and then another BIL/SIL's 3...they are little and are wanting Christmas.
I am still going to plan to bring some food to them (maybe make her some chocolate truffles-her favorite-and at the very least, we'll leave them on their doorstep as was suggested.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

BIL called my dh to tell us that they are still in hospital since last night..she still has not gone into labor. I'm not sure when/how they started induction.





















for them as they wait for Atticus to come so they can say hello and goodbye.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

UPDATE: Atticus finally came into the world on Christmas Eve. My BIL reports that he was seriously tangled up in his umbilical cord. I don't know if they'll order an autopsy.
We dropped off some groceries and a beautiful plant. They decided to spend Christmas with her parents so I did not get to see her at the usual family gathering. We did drop off presents and a plate of goodies on their doorstep the day after Christmas.
Yesterday my BIL called to say that they were going to visit my MIL and invited us to come.
*Sigh* It was painful to see her in the state she was in. Very withdrawn. The rest of the family were talking and laughing and being kind of festive. She sat on the couch and just read her book.
I know she probably wants space right now but I couldn't help but think, "How must she feel in this room full of people all kind of keeping a bubble around her while she is in pain?"...
I don't know. So I took her a glass of juice and told her, "I am concious of you wanting your space...and I just want you to know that I love you." I kissed her on the cheek and I let her be.
I don't know if I do the right things or not...I can only be myself. When I mentioned Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to my MIL and SIL (seperately), they both shuddered. I don't think they get why anyone would want pictures of their deceased child. I get it. Totally get it. So does my dh.
I am thinking of her so much. Wishing that she still had Atticus growing inside of her.
Thanks for listening.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i am so so sorry for your family's loss. i just lost my daughter last week, and it sounds like you have been very respectful and kind to them. i would have very much appreciated being acknowledged, just as you acknowledged her, at the family gathering. just wanted to let you know that you did good for your sil.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Thanks for that, Angie...
I am so sorry for your loss of your baby Lucia.


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## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your BIL and SIL and their family. I just lost my son a week and a half ago so I know how shocking it is and how raw and surreal it feels. I would expect her reactions to change over time as it sinks in. For me it's seemed to get worse over the last couple of days. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I think you should just keep trying and over time they'll know how much you care by your loving gestures.

There's a thread above about what family and friends can say or do after a loss. Maybe you could share that with your other family members. Just a thought...


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I had a really hard time being around festive people for a while.. it's like, why isn't their world stopping too!? It's a horrible place to be... I hope she doesn't regret not wanting photos.. I regret not taking hundreds more! But everyone is different.. It does sound like you are offering great support for them..


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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

ahappymel, you sound like a wonderful friend to her. She is lucky to have you, and in the months to come, she will probably want someone to cry with, and talk about Atticus with. Those times will be so important after the shock wears off. I'm so sorry for your family.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
I hope she doesn't regret not wanting photos.. I regret not taking hundreds more! But everyone is different.

Yes, I agree...there are probably so many other emotions to deal with, adding regret to the list can't make things easier.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

at the time I wasn't thinking about pictures. I only have a few. it's ALL I have. it's all (and memories) she will have. one of my regrets was not getting more.


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