# My baby died in labor at 40 weeks and 6 days



## Dalene

This is my first post to MDC and, sadly, it is to share the story of my baby's death on April 3. I had a very normal, healthy pregnancy. DH (29) and I (31) were thrilled to be pregnant with our first baby. After laboring at home for two days, I arrived at the birth center 7 cm dilated. I labored in the tub during the afternoon and into the evening. When I was fully dilated and started pushing, my son's heartbeat dropped and then returned to normal. My MF wanted to put me on the continuous fetal monitor while I pushed, so we transferred across the street to the hospital in 3 min. Once I got to the hospital, they were unable to find his heartbeat using the continuous monitor and scalp leads. I was rushed into an emergency C-section. When I woke up, I excitedly asked, "Do we have a baby?," only to see DH holding our dead son, Baker. He was 7 lbs 11 oz. I was so shocked that I could not cry. When Baker was born, the neonatologist tried for 10 min. to resuscitate him, but his little lungs did not inflate. We held our beautiful baby and talked to him and were encouraged to take pictures. We are awaiting the results of an autopsy to determine what was wrong with his lungs.

I did not see this coming. I feel empty and lost. I was robbed so suddenly of the baby who was so active and lively throughout my pregnancy. My heart is truly and completely broken. I didn't realize how much I loved him until I lost him.


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## ~Katrinka~

I'm so sorry, Mama. Baker is a beautiful baby.








I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain for you, but I know there isn't. You just have to keep living through the pain, and as impossible as it may sound to you right now, you will.
This is a good place to find support, and I hope you are able to find support in real life as well. A grief counselor or support group can help you as you feel your way along the long road that is the grieving process.
Sending you lots of peace and healing vibes, and shedding a tear for you and your sweet boy.







: Baker


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## PlayaMama

oh mama. i'm so sorry. may you find some peace and healing. my heart aches for you.


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## jessicasocean

My heart is breaking for you. I lost my sweet little boy at 38.5 weeks from an umbilical cord accident 4 months ago. I know all to well that empty feeling you have, I still have it. I know that pain you are feeling as well.. I am so sorry that you have to endure this... I will be thinking of you and your beautiful little Baker.


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## FancyD

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## ladybug732

Dalene,








Hugs to you. I just lost my beautiful daughter at 34 weeks, and I agree that nothing in the world can prepare you for this. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real to me. One moment I feel almost normal, and the next I'm back in the midst of my grief. I wish neither of us knew what this feels like - I wish no one knew what it feels like to lose a child or anyone that they love.

All I can say is that for what it's worth, you're not alone. I'm walking through this too right now, and I know the pain and the uncertainty and the emptiness. Give yourself permission to grieve when you need to, feel normal when you need to; basically, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

For me, I have been leaning heavily on Jesus, my husband, my family and friends. It doesn't take away the sting, but it helps to know others care. Personally, I have hope for the future even in the midst of this because I know God is still in control and that I will see my baby again someday.

You may be in a different place emotionally, and that's okay too. You have every right to feel what you're feeling. But please, please, don't blame yourself. I know it's so easy to think about the "what ifs" (believe me, I've had those thoughts), but it is obvious you love your baby and were doing all that you could to bring him safely into the world, and your baby knows that. I'll tell you what my midwife told me, "You were a good little Mama to your baby."

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I'll be praying for you.

Kathleen


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## Tenk

We too lost our last daughter Kamryn at 38.1 weeks. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this mama, if you need to talk, just PM me as well. I'll keep you and beautiful Baker in my thoughts and prayers.


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## honeybunch2k8

I'm so sorry, I don't even know what to say.


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## bluewatergirl

Dalene, I am so, so sorry for your loss of Baker. What a beautiful boy.
Wishing you strength and peace as you navigate the most difficult journey.
I lost a little boy last June to an umbilical cord accident.
I know how hard it is.
Many hugs to you.


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## Ruthla

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## happylemon

I am so sorry







Your baby boy is so beautiful in that picture.


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## MoonWillow

He is absolutely beautiful. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.







:Blessings to you on your journey, sweet boy. Watch over your mama now. She needs you!







: Baker









Edited to add; Welcome to MDC Dalene. I am sorry it is such a sad occasion but I hope you find comfort in our (not so little) community. I am glad you are here







.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

I'm so sorry mama, and I'm sorry you have to join our little sisterhood here. But know that we are all here for you whether you need to rage or to cry or to just be. Many


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## sunkissedmumma67

I'am so sorry for your loss, your in my prayers


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## wife&mommy

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Sage_SS

: Baker







:
















mama, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss and pain.


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## lovbeingamommy

Baker

I'm so sorry for your loss. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## catballou24

oh my..







baker is just beautiful. i am so very sorry for your loss...my heart is breaking for you right now...


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## peacelovingmama

I am so sorry for your loss. Baker is beautiful and I am crying as I type this post. No mother should have to go through this. I wish you peace and comfort as you grieve.


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## Vancouver Mommy

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## nolonger

Oh, mama.







: He is so beautiful and I can tell that he knew how loved he is.


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## Amydoula

I am so so sorry.


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## EricaE

What a beautiful baby he is.


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## mom de terre




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## prairiemommy

I'm so sorry for your loss. Baker was a beautiful, beautiful baby boy.

















Baker


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## MamabearTo4

He's absolutely breathtaking. I'm so very, very sorry.







I don't know what to say... Nothing seems right... I'm so sad for you, mama.


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## ledzepplon

He looks like a little prince. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.


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## chrissy

i am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. Baker was beautiful. May he rest in peace.


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## bright-midnight

I am so very sorry for your loss


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## Funny Face

Oh my gosh I am absolutely heartbroken for you mama.







I am so very sorry for your losing Baker.

What a beautiful baby you made. You can see that he was loved and well taken care of inside you womb.

Baker.


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## hibana

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## JessC

I am so sorry. He is beautiful.


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## namaste_mom

I'm so sorry mama. No one should lose their baby. My heart is breaking for you. I lost my Norah 5 1/2 months ago at 40 weeks. I know exactly what you are going through. (((HUGS))). Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Baker is beautiful.
D.


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## JMFS

Dalene
I am so sorry that you have to know this pain. Your son is beautiful and you will hold him in your heart forever. The pain can seem unbearable but there is light again and I hope you have support to hold you up on the darkest days.
I have not posted here in close to four years and I have no idea what made me come here today but I did and your post was the first I saw.
I lost my son in labor at a birth center in 2004. He was born unresponsive after 2 hours of pushing and his lungs could not be inflated.
When I read your post, it took my breath away. Back then I was desperate to find someone whose baby had died in labor because it seemed so rare and I felt even more freakish. I came to learn that I was not alone and I just wanted to be there for you and let you know that you are not alone.
I can't help but wonder if you were at the same birth center because the one where my son was born was right across the street from the hospital.


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## ctdoula

I am so very very sorry for your loss!


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## ap mom

I just don't even know what to say. My heart sank as I read about your experience. I can't even imagine...

MDC is a wonderful community and I hope you'll find the support you need.


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## applejuice

I am so sorry. Words fail me.

No one is guaranteed a healthy live baby at the end of pregnancy and labor. it is truly a miracle when it does happen, and sad when it does not.

let us know what your report is when you get it. Knowledge is power. I am truly sorry.


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## famousmockngbrd

Baker is beautiful. I'm so sorry he is not with you.









-Jen


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## bhawkins

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.


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## youthpastormama

I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.


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## momileigh

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## sagelove

I am so sorry







Many (((hugs))) sent your way during this difficult time.


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## MettaSutta

Oh, Mama. My heart breaks for you.

May you find peace in the love you have for your son.


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## NullSet

I'm so sorry. Baker is such a beautiful little boy.

There is a lot of support here from wonderful women who know exactly how you feel. After my dd died that was my only source of comfort for a long time, knowing I wasn't alone.


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## ColoradoMama

There's so much sadness in the world lately. I am so sorry you have to be a part of that sadness. Thanks for sharing the picture of your beautiful son. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Samaria86

I'm so sorry I cry as I type this. My daughter died at 40 weeks 1 day Mach 28th. I dont know why this happens to the most innocent people in the world. My own guess is their too good for this world and I try to remember my daughter in the best place ever, better that I could have ever given her. She'll never know pain, dissappointment or hurt.


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## Parker'smommy

I am so sorry momma. This place is a great place to vent, cry, scream, remember, and be heard. I hope you feel welcome enough to post again.







Baker


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## Kim&Brooke

Dalene - I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Baker. He is truly a gorgeous little boy.








My son passed away at 37 weeks due to Trisomy 18 - we had no idea he was even sick. It is an awful thing for a mother to lose her child. My heart is with you as you walk this path of grief.








:
PM me anytime you want to talk, I'll always be here to listen.

Brooke


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## Matilda_z

Baker was such a beautiful little boy.









I'm so sorry for your loss, for the horror you are going through right now.

My little boy was born with serious physical problems as well and he could not breathe on his own. We lost him in February, and it sometimes feels like it has all happened to someone else. That it couldn't be real. That the pregnancy never even happened. I just want my baby so badly.

I'm so glad that you found us here at MDC. This is a wonderful group of moms, and I've felt accepted and supported here. PLease know that I'm thinking of you, your DH and sweet little Baker.


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## apmama2myboo

i am so deeply sorry for your loss.


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## meredyth0315

Oh mama, I'm so deeply sorry. Baker is a beautiful boy. I wish you lots of love & peace
















Baker


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## kennedy444

So sorry for your loss.


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## Bennie45

Mama I am so sorry for your loss.







:







Baker was a beautiful baby!!


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## BMG580

I'm so very sorry.


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## Debstmomy

He is so so beautiful! I am sorry Baker is no longer here. I grieve with you. Be gentle with yourself Mama.







to you & your Dh.


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## Twwly

I am so sorry.


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## Dalene

Thank you all for your kind replies. It truly helps to know that there are others who understand the pain of losing a baby.

To JMFS, I went to the North Shore Birth Center in Beverly, Mass. Thank you for sharing your story--I have not encountered anyone else who lost a baby in labor. It seems exceedingly rare. It helps to know that I am not the only one.


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## doulamomvicki

: love and prayers for you and your family


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## ErinsJuneBug

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Thank you all for your kind replies. It truly helps to know that there are others who understand the pain of losing a baby.

To JMFS, I went to the North Shore Birth Center in Beverly, Mass. Thank you for sharing your story--I have not encountered anyone else who lost a baby in labor. It seems exceedingly rare. It helps to know that I am not the only one.

Wow i am so sorry to hear about your loss. He is truly so beautiful.

We are in Mass too - and i actually have considered using the NSBC, do you think their care had anything to do with his death?

You and your family will be in my prayers and i wish you as much peace as you are able to find in this time.


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## hannybanany

I am so sorry for your loss


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## KaidaMidnight

I am so sorry.. There are truely no words... He was such a beautiful baby.


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## Eliseatthebeach

My heart is just breaking for you, I am so so very sorry.
















for your sweet baby boy


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## 3for_me

Oh mama I am so sorry for you


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## brightonwoman

I don't know if you're religious, but I recently found this blog (which is Christian) this family lost their daughter about an hour after birth. They had known that she had problems and probably would not live, and the blog follows their journey from the ultrasound where they found out through her birth last month.
Having lost a couple of babies (late term miscarriages) I can relate somewhat to how you are probably feeling, and I found this blog very cathartic.


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## Debstmomy

Actually there are many of us, to many. If you research, stillbirth is more common than SIDS.
Here is blog roll I belong to: babylossdirectory
You are not alone!!!!


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## Kayda's Mom

I am very sorry you and DH are going through this.
You, DH and Baker are in my prayers.


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## CherryBomb

I'm so sorry mama.


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## AllyRae

I am so sorry for your loss.... I also lost my son at 40w6d in the pushing phase of labor.







My thoughts are with you.


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## summer_sun

Sorry for your loss


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## JenMidwife

I'm so sad & angry that Baker died.







He looks absolutely perfect.








I'll hold you & Baker in my heart


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## OwensMa

I am so sorry for your incredible loss.







I have no other words, except that he looks like an angel.


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## Katana

I'm so sorry you lost your precious boy.

Lots of hugs and love to you.








Baker


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## trini

Aw, what a sweetie. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our first son at 38weeks. It was a huge, unexpected shock. The only advice I can give you is to walk through the grief. Your life will never be the same again, but you _will_ feel joy again. Just be gentle with yourself. And know that your husband may grieve differently than you and that is okay. It has been 4 1/2 years since our son died. I still think of him every single day. I wish he was here with us, but I have accepted the fact that he is not.


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## Claire and Boys

oh my. I am so sorry I don't even know what to say.


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## JMFS

Dalene,
I am in Pennsylvania, so it is a different Birth center. I have been thinking of you so much the past few days. How are you doing?


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## jaclyn7

I am so very sorry.








Baker


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## BookGoddess

He's beautiful.
















Baker


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## Dalene

Since somthing was evidently wrong with Baker's lungs, it doesn't seem that taking him out any sooner would have resulted in a different outcome. The birth center has been very supportive. The two midwives who were with me during labor have been checking in on DH and I. It is evident that they are devastated by his loss.

DH and I are muddling through this. He returned to work today and I return on Thursday. I am thankful that we've been able to be home together to grieve our son. Now it is time to return to the new "normal". I will work 2 days this week and then 3 days for the rest of May. If that goes well, I'll return to fulltime. I'm mad that I'm going back to work when I'm supposed to be on maternity leave all summer taking care of my baby.

DH and I have had 3 sessions with a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss. We have found them helpful. She seemed pleased that I am able to muster enough energy to feel anger. I am currently angry that instead of sending out birth announcements and receiving congratulations cards, I have a mailbox full of sympathy cards and need to write thank-you notes for funeral flowers. This is not how it was supposed to turn out.

It helps to know that other women have experienced loss and were able to work through it. I desperately want to be happy again and feel joy someday. We were so happy when I was pregnant with Baker. I still can't believe that it ended like this. I miss him so much.


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## ShannonT

I'm so sorry. He's absolutely beautiful.








Baker


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## veganmama719

I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss. I am glad Baker got to have you as his mommy.
He is beautiful.

I wish you much peace strength and love.


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## barose

I am so sorry. I cant stop crying reading your post - I am lost for words. You baby is so beautiful.


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## ~Katrinka~

Dalene, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Take things slowly and be kind to yourself. If things are awful at work, take more time off.







I'm so glad that your midwives are keeping in touch, and that you've been seeing a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss. That was immeasureably helpful to me when I felt so lost.

I know you're a bit of a drive from Newton, but Newton-Wellesley hospital has a pregnancy and infant loss support group. If you don't have one near you, this support group might be worth your while. It was probably the best thing dh and I did last year in terms of healing.
http://www.nwh.org/itemDetail.asp?ca...4&itemID=17364


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## DreamWeaver

I am so sorry for your loss. What a shock, what a loss... ... my heart breaks for you.
Wishing you hope and strength on the road ahead... ...







Baker


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## green_sturgeon

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

















sweet little Baker


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## boysmom2

Oh, I am so, so, so sorry. Your sweet baby is beautiful. Your family will be in my prayers. I too first found MDC after a loss. I hate that any of us have to be here, but it does help to know we're not alone. Come here anytime and say whatever you need to. Take care of yourself, mama.


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## punkrawkmama27

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## gretasmommy

I am so, so sorry you have found us here, in need of support for yourself. This is an awful yet wonderful place to be - we understand what none should.

Wishing for you peace, somehow.


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## ShwarmaQueen

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## KYCat

Dalene, I am so very sorry for your loss. The death of a baby is nothing that anyone should have to go through. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please be gentle with yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through the days. I remember just feeling like I couldn't be around people because I couldn't talk or think of anything but my sweet baby.
I would like to prepare you for the fact that the information may not make you feel any better. We found out that my son had Down's Syndrome. I know people live with Down's Syndrome and I was angry that my baby couldn't be one of those and I didn't want to tell anyone lest they say something about it being for the best and then I would have to go apeshit on them. Sorry, some wounds you learn to live with but they never fully heal.
Your beautiful Baker will always be an important beautiful part of your family. I am so very sorry that he has died. I wish you peace which I found to be the most difficult thing to come by. Just try and get through each day and soon it will have been a week and then a month. I also wanted to say that we had many thank yous to write for food, flowers, etc. and it just seemed like too much. But dh and I composed a thank you to all on the computer and printed them on thank yous for the computer printer and sent them out at Thanksgiving. I know it's not perfect etiquette, but everyone seemed to appreciate it, and it was all that we were up for.


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## gratefulbambina

I'm so sorry. We lost our Francis at 39 weeks. I didn't know until right before I gave birth, but he had been gone for a couple days. I'm here also if you ever need someone to talk to or cry with. PM me anytime


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## fenix

My heart just aches for your dear little boy and your loss. He's such a beautiful little baby. May you find some peace and healing in time.







We are a sisterhood here as I have seen written already. I'm so sorry to see you join us. Know that we are here for you.


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## MoonWillow

Thinking of you today and sending more love







.


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## 2 in August

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. What a precious baby.







:


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## Meems

i am so sorry for your loss. i absolutely cannot imagine.

all i can say is that i applaud you for having the strength to reach out to others.

i wish you peace and healing. i am so sorry.


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## mytwogirls

He is a very handsome little prince. My heart aches for you hon. No one should have to endure what you are going through. I don't know what else to say other than I am very sorry and praying for strength for you, your DH and family. May you find peace sweetie.


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## majazama

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think he is an angel who was too special for this earth.


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## JMFS

Dalene
I totally understand that anger. I remember feeling so ripped off.
I had planned a birth announcement so I wrote a thank-you letter to all the people who helped or sent flowers etc. The beginning was a birth announcemenmt of sorts with all of his vital statistics and we inserted his footprints and two pics of him. At the end I wrote how I wanted people to deal with us (not pretend it didn't happen etc.)
My son died June 7 and I didn't send the letter until the end of August right before my older kids returned to school and I had to see more people again. I remember feeling really good that I got to share my baby with the world even though he had died. I felt like I really honored him.
My son was breech and aftyer trying chiropractic, accupunture and exercise, I had an external version a week before he was born. He tolerated that extremely well but I beat myself up all summer thinking that if I had the c-section, he might have lived. If he had died after the c-section, I am sure I would have thought if I had the version he would have lived. The uncertainty is hard to deal with but in the end if we had known how to keep our babies safe and alive, we would have. We did nothing wrong.


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## moocowma

I am so sorry for your loss, Dalene. He was beautiful. There are no good words to comfort you, but I wish I could.


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## mauimama5

HUGS


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## Dalene

My MF called this week with the final autopsy results. The findings are that there was a chronic placental abruption that could have been present for 3-8 days. With a chronic abruption there's a slow bleed that clots, so you never see the blood or have pain like with an acute abruption. A chronic abruption seems to be very rare. The report also says that I had low fluid levels. That doesn't make much sense because I had two u/s that showed normal levels, and Baker always measured appropriately for his gestational age (and weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. at birth). My MF also said that my fluid levels looked normal at the time of my C-section. I also don't understand how Baker could have had a normal heartbeat (and I felt him moving) until about 10 min before he was born if his oxygen supply was being cut off as my placenta separated. So, I'm thankful that we have some answers, but many questions still remain. DH and I are going to meet with the OB in person and have her explain the findings to us.

Now I find myself asking the "what if" questions&#8230;what if I had had a planned C-section at 38 weeks? Would Baker be alive now? I know I shouldn't beat myself up with those questions, but I can't help but think about it.


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
My MF called this week with the final autopsy results. The findings are that there was a chronic placental abruption that could have been present for 3-8 days. With a chronic abruption there's a slow bleed that clots, so you never see the blood or have pain like with an acute abruption. A chronic abruption seems to be very rare. The report also says that I had low fluid levels. That doesn't make much sense because I had two u/s that showed normal levels, and Baker always measured appropriately for his gestational age (and weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. at birth). My MF also said that my fluid levels looked normal at the time of my C-section. I also don't understand how Baker could have had a normal heartbeat (and I felt him moving) until about 10 min before he was born if his oxygen supply was being cut off as my placenta separated. So, I'm thankful that we have some answers, but many questions still remain. DH and I are going to meet with the OB in person and have her explain the findings to us.

Now I find myself asking the "what if" questions&#8230;what if I had had a planned C-section at 38 weeks? Would Baker be alive now? I know I shouldn't beat myself up with those questions, but I can't help but think about it.









I hate to say it but I think I know how you feel. My dd was stillborn 3/28, I know I already said that but incase you didn't see it.Though I decided against an autopsy on my daughter. I was a vbac and I can't help but wonder if I just got a c-section would that have happened? I can't help but think my little girl would be here right now nearly 2 months old. Again I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## JMFS

Hugs to you Samaria. Your baby girl is beautiful. Remember that you would have done anything you could to save her if you knew what that was. You were doing what you thought was best for her, a vbac.

Hugs to you too Dalene. It sounds like you have some answers and more questions. I can imagine that autopsy is not an exact science so the conflicting ideas about your fluid make things murkier.
I noticed that you didn't mention his lungs and why they would not inflate. Did they say anything about that? With my son, they said that maybe his lungs never developed correctly, which can not be detected on ultrasound, but I always wondered why his heart stopeed if he had a lung issue. We also believe my son was alive 5-10 minutes before he was born unresponsive. We were so shocked and still at a Birth center that was not very good with handling death so we really didn't make thoughtful decisions. They treated us as if we would just know what to do or something. Within 2-3 hours or so of his birth/death, we were asked to decide funeral home or autopsy like it had to be done asap.


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JMFS* 
Hugs to you Samaria. Your baby girl is beautiful. Remember that you would have done anything you could to save her if you knew what that was. You were doing what you thought was best for her, a vbac.

Hugs to you too Dalene. It sounds like you have some answers and more questions. I can imagine that autopsy is not an exact science so the conflicting ideas about your fluid make things murkier.
I noticed that you didn't mention his lungs and why they would not inflate. Did they say anything about that? With my son, they said that maybe his lungs never developed correctly, which can not be detected on ultrasound, but I always wondered why his heart stopeed if he had a lung issue. We also believe my son was alive 5-10 minutes before he was born unresponsive. We were so shocked and still at a Birth center that was not very good with handling death so we really didn't make thoughtful decisions. They treated us as if we would just know what to do or something. Within 2-3 hours or so of his birth/death, we were asked to decide funeral home or autopsy like it had to be done asap.

The MF said that his lungs didn't inflate because they were filled with blood, but that his lungs could have filled with blood before or after he died. That's another question I need to have clarified.

Thanks for the ideas about birth announcement/thank-yous. I think I may do something similar. It's just too much to write personal notes. And I'd like to send out something that acknowledges his life and lets people know that he was a real person who meant the world to us. It makes me so sad that his baby pictures are the only pictures we'll ever be able to share with friends and family&#8230;no Christmas cards, no school pictures. It is so senseless.

JMFS: I remember the first hours after we found out that Baker died as being so surreal, so foggy. I remember being so shocked that I couldn't cry. I remember feeling torn between not wanting to give him up and wanting to let him go because it was too painful to see his little fingers become stiff as he grew colder. I wish now that we had turned him over to look at his behind, but I know that I can't beat myself up because it was an impossible situation.

It's not fair that we all had to make decisions about autopsies and funerals-decisions about death-when we were expecting life.


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## Genesis

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## mamajennvt

i am at a loss for words. i am so sorry for your loss.


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## JMFS

My husband had seen Conner's scrotum inflating instead of his lungs and I didn't want to unwrap the blanket because I was afraid to look. I wish someone sat with me to look at him and help me not to be scared. I do regret not seeing all of him and that is hard but as time has passed it is less painful.
If you would like to see the announcement I prepared PM me and I will send it to you.


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## Stinkerbell

I wish I had some words for you that felt right. All I can say is that I lit a candle for Baker and I won't forget him (I have a little cloud of baby angels I have vowed to remember, many of them from MDC). I will hug my own babies tighter.

I am really inspired by your decision to share Baker's story with us and THANK YOU for doing so. He was a beautiful boy (look at his little puffs of hair! so cute!). There are a whole lot of strong, supportive mamas here that have crawled their way through tragic, unfair losses such as yours and I hope you are able to find some peace by connecting with them.

Many hugs from the South Shore (Taunton)....

heather


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## Peacemamalove

Baker

I am so sorry mama for your loss. My deepest thoughts are with you at this time in your life.

Welcome to mdc and may you find a little comfort here.


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## Cuddlebaby

I, also am SO sorry. and for once I can say, "I completely understand". so sad. I delivered a stillborn Micah on April 12th. I hope we can continue to talk to each other and support each other. email me. or pm.


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## laneysprout

My heart aches for you and your DH. What a lovely little boy he was. I'm so deeply sorry, mama. I don't know what to say that could possibly make the pain more bearable, but I couldn't read and not post.


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## nalo

I cry with you and carry a little piece of your grief. What a precious boy, little Baker.


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## rmzbm

I am so so sorry!


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## ollineeba

I'm so sorry..


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## Cuddlebaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JMFS* 
Within 2-3 hours or so of his birth/death, we were asked to decide funeral home or autopsy like it had to be done asap.

yeah! it was hands down the worse time in my WHOLE life. And the point at which I broke down. Hearing my hubby on the phone with a funeral director was just terrible.

No one should have to deal with death until we are in our 60's and dealing with the deaths of our parents. it's not right.

Writing out thank yous currently. It's terrible. OK it's not terrible. Writing out a few really is no big deal. BUT when you multiply it by tens and twentys it does have a cumulative effect, reliving the memorial service and Micah again and again makes me emotional.


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## becoming

Oh mama. I'm in tears for you and your precious baby. I'm so sorry for your unimaginable pain. He is so beautiful and perfect.


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## homewithtwinsmama

Dalene,

I am sorry for your loss. I have experienced a loss at birth myself. There is just no way to predict these things. The only thing I can tell you is that it will be three years this June for us and the pain, while never gone, does change and become a part of you that you can live with and not focus on minute to minute. At first I experienced it as, literally an actual physical ache in my breastbone. I felt like "I have a dead baby" was tattoo'd on my forehead and wondered that every person who saw me could not see it was written there. But, then a few months later I realized I had not thought about our loss for 6 whole hours. And then I went a whole day without dwelling on it or crying over it. I did find that grief passed in waves and I did find that I needed to use a therapist to help in my process after about 14 months. I did not find online grief groups or IFL grief groups helpful. I needed the one on one. Your husband will likely grieve differently than you. Encourage him to find a way to NOT stuff it down. My dh did this and it came out 2 years later in ugly ways and then we had to begin helping him deal with it. There is a guy named Tom Golden who specializes in men and grief. He has a book that might be helpful if you google it. Again, sorry for your loss.


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## JMFS

Quote:

I felt like "I have a dead baby" was tattoo'd on my forehead and wondered that every person who saw me could not see it was written there.
I felt the same way. It was tough to see people who knew look at me funny or avoid me because they didn't know what to say. But even when I was somewhere where no one knew me, I felt like they knew what happened. I remember saying that I felt like there was aneon sign over my head.
For a while I really wanted to move far away from here but that too passed.

ITA that dealing with grief is so much better than trying to suppress it. My therapist always said that it will wait for you. I had another trauma (my husband was critically ill near death for two weeks) 4 months after my son died and I stopped grieving. I just couldn't feel sadness about Conner because I was too consumed with fear, anxiety etc about my husband. I talked about him like it was perfectly normal to have one of your kids dead. When the ordeal with him was over, and everyone told me that now I should be happy because my husband lived and I tried to be, I ended up falling apart a month later sinking lower than I had before.

Quote:

I remember the first hours after we found out that Baker died as being so surreal, so foggy. I remember being so shocked that I couldn't cry.
I couldn't cry and I couldn't believe that I was just not reacting much. I remember saying to the nurse that she must think I am an awful mother because I started to focus on myself and how much physical pain I was in. I always imagined myself if I lost one of my children to be screaming and going crazy but instead, I was just numb. It is your body's way of protecting you by going into shock mode.


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
yeah! it was hands down the worse time in my WHOLE life. And the point at which I broke down. Hearing my hubby on the phone with a funeral director was just terrible.

*No one should have to deal with death until we are in our 60's and dealing with the deaths of our parents. it's not right.*

Writing out thank yous currently. It's terrible. OK it's not terrible. Writing out a few really is no big deal. BUT when you multiply it by tens and twentys it does have a cumulative effect, reliving the memorial service and Micah again and again makes me emotional.


I so agree. I broke down sooo bad when I had to buy a casket for my baby. I never ever though I'd have to do such a thing. I forgot who asked me if I liked it.. I know it wasn't meant the way I took it, but h*ll no I don't like the casket! why would i!?


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## mean_jeannie

Quote:

It's not fair that we all had to make decisions about autopsies and funerals-decisions about death-when we were expecting life.
it's not fair at all.








Baker


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
Dalene,

I am sorry for your loss. I have experienced a loss at birth myself. There is just no way to predict these things. The only thing I can tell you is that it will be three years this June for us and the pain, while never gone, does change and become a part of you that you can live with and not focus on minute to minute. At first I experienced it as, literally an actual physical ache in my breastbone. *I felt like "I have a dead baby" was tattoo'd on my forehead and wondered that every person who saw me could not see it was written there.* But, then a few months later I realized I had not thought about our loss for 6 whole hours. And then I went a whole day without dwelling on it or crying over it. I did find that grief passed in waves and I did find that I needed to use a therapist to help in my process after about 14 months. I did not find online grief groups or IFL grief groups helpful. I needed the one on one. Your husband will likely grieve differently than you. Encourage him to find a way to NOT stuff it down. My dh did this and it came out 2 years later in ugly ways and then we had to begin helping him deal with it. There is a guy named Tom Golden who specializes in men and grief. He has a book that might be helpful if you google it. Again, sorry for your loss.


That's how I feel everytime I go out in public. I hold my head down and try not to make eye contact, I feel like everyone knows. Even people who've never me before.


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## Dalene

Big hugs to all of you on Mother's Day. As you know, this is not how I expected to spend my first Mother's Day. I should have a 5-week old baby right now. Back when I was pregnant, I expected that the day would be low-key...DH making a big breakfast and a walk to the park with our baby. Instead, we went away for the weekend to Vermont where DH and I met. We visited our old haunts and spent time with old friends in a place where we have happy memories. DH surprised me by taking me to an artisan jeweler to design a ring to remember Baker. It will look like a delicate poplar twig wrapped around my finger and will have his birthstone. DH explained that Balm of Gilead poplar buds have healing properties...sung about in the spiritual "There is a balm in Gilead". My heart could use some healing.


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## JenMidwife

Big hugs, Dalene & Samaria86. I'm so sorry you guys don't have your babies in your arms today... & every other day.


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## Hopesmommy

I'm so sorry.


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## Jasmyn's Mum

I'm so sorry


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## DBZ

I'm so sad for you. No one should have to go through the loss of a child. I'll keep you in my thoughts.


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## Yuba_River

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Big hugs to all of you on Mother's Day. As you know, this is not how I expected to spend my first Mother's Day. I should have a 5-week old baby right now. Back when I was pregnant, I expected that the day would be low-key...DH making a big breakfast and a walk to the park with our baby. Instead, we went away for the weekend to Vermont where DH and I met. We visited our old haunts and spent time with old friends in a place where we have happy memories. DH surprised me by taking me to an artisan jeweler to design a ring to remember Baker. It will look like a delicate poplar twig wrapped around my finger and will have his birthstone. DH explained that Balm of Gilead poplar buds have healing properties...sung about in the spiritual "There is a balm in Gilead". My heart could use some healing.

That is beautiful. Like all of us on MDC, I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## bdoody11

Mama, I could not read and not post.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Baker was a beautiful little boy.

You and your family are in my prayers...


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## JMFS

Dalene the ring sounds beautiful. I hope it will give you some comfort to have it. I had a mother's bracelet made with Conner's name on it and I wore it every day for a long time. It made me feel like I had a piece of him with me. It was something tangible that other people could look at and remember him too. I like when people asked about it because I could talk about him.

Going through the first year of not having it the way it was supposed to be is hard but usually the anticipation is worse than the day itself. Holidays, even minor ones, are hard because of what the picture in your head had been and what the reality is. Each time you get through something it helps to pat yourself on the back a little and see how you made it through that one.


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## gratefulbambina

I also have a bracelet with Francis's name on it that someone made for me. I never take it off and its part of me now prob until I can get a tattoo that I plan on getting in a couple years for him.


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## Dalene

DH and I met with the OB yesterday to have her explain the final autopsy results. She started by talking about the evidence of a chronic abruption, which probably resulted in low fluid levels because my placenta wasn't functioning optimally. She thought that I could have had the abruption (and low fluid) for a few weeks before Baker was born. The low fluid resulted in slightly underdeveloped lungs. However, she went on to say that she doesn't think any of those issues should have prevented him from being alive today. She thinks that his cord could have been compressed by a position I was in or a position he was in. He was without oxygen long enough (and already stressed or compromised from the abruption) that he died. She thinks that had there been no cord issues, he would have been born alive. He would probably have needed to be ventilated to get his lungs working, but he would likely be alive.

Last week I felt like I was working through my grief and starting to feel better, starting to pull out of my fog. But now I'm starting the process all over again with this new information. How do I live with the fact that he could have been OK...that he could be here with me now? Yes, he probably would have had some health issues, but it's likely that he'd be alive. All along we've been under the assumption that Baker's lungs wouldn't have allowed him to live no matter when he was born or under what circumstances he was born. But now that I know he could have made it, this is unbearable. It is so unfair that a twist of fate resulted in his death. It is positively maddening.


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## MoonWillow

Oh Mama.


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## gabysmom617




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## momileigh

It is very unfair and very maddening.

((((((Hugs)))))


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## JMFS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Last week I felt like I was working through my grief and starting to feel better, starting to pull out of my fog. But now I'm starting the process all over again with this new information. How do I live with the fact that he could have been OK...that he could be here with me now? Yes, he probably would have had some health issues, but it's likely that he'd be alive. All along we've been under the assumption that Baker's lungs wouldn't have allowed him to live no matter when he was born or under what circumstances he was born. But now that I know he could have made it, this is unbearable. It is so unfair that a twist of fate resulted in his death. It is positively maddening.

I am sorry that you have to process this new information and that it is so painful. I remember feeling so much intense pain and grief that I felt like vomiting. Any new thing that had to be put into the picture started that intensity again. When Baker died you did not know how you would go on but you did and you will process this too. Be gentle with yourself and know that you did what you felt was best for him.
Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing the answers to "what if" We have to live with the unfairness of not having our babies with us and not knowing exactly what happened.
The OB gave you her opinion but she may be wrong about the outcome. Did she feel that he died b/c you were not at the hospital at first? That is an easy thing to say but babies also die in hospitals so being there sooner may not have changed anything.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this pain.


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## Dalene

The OB said that a cord compression and Baker's resultant death could have happened if I were at the hospital. She mentioned that she knows of moms in labor at a hospital who went to the bathroom or took a lap around the L&D floor and then the baby didn't have a heartbeat when she returned. The OB said that my MF checked Baker's heartrate through a couple non-pushing contractions (I vaguely remember this) right before transferring me across the street to the hospital. So basically the cord compression occurred during my transfer, but could have happened at the hospital had I been there. I was transferred laying down on a stretcher, but the OB said that the same outcome could have occurred had I been laying down at the hospital.

I went to the hospital today to have blood drawn to check for genetic clotting abnormalities, just in case that had something to do with the chronic abruption. There was a mom and dad at the hospital entrance trying to figure out how to load their brand new baby boy in his infant carseat into their car. They have no idea how lucky they are. I was driven home from the hospital without my baby, in the rain past the funeral home where his body was taken. It is so unfair. I just want my baby back.


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
The OB said that a cord compression and Baker's resultant death could have happened if I were at the hospital. She mentioned that she knows of moms in labor at a hospital who went to the bathroom or took a lap around the L&D floor and then the baby didn't have a heartbeat when she returned. The OB said that my MF checked Baker's heartrate through a couple non-pushing contractions (I vaguely remember this) right before transferring me across the street to the hospital. So basically the cord compression occurred during my transfer, but could have happened at the hospital had I been there. I was transferred laying down on a stretcher, but the OB said that the same outcome could have occurred had I been laying down at the hospital.

I went to the hospital today to have blood drawn to check for genetic clotting abnormalities, just in case that had something to do with the chronic abruption. There was a mom and dad at the hospital entrance trying to figure out how to load their brand new baby boy in his infant carseat into their car. They have no idea how lucky they are. I was driven home from the hospital without my baby, in the rain past the funeral home where his body was taken. It is so unfair. I just want my baby back.


Again another big *hug* for you. I remember leaving the hospital without my baby. I felt so ...naked.. the best way to describe it I guess. I was so ashamed. I am so sorry about the information you got. I was afraid to do an autopsy. Me and dh couldnt agree on it he complained he didn't want her body cut and them messing around, I wasn't set on it but I wasn't closed to the option but finally decided not to get it. I figure if I did and I found out something like she could have survived had it I done a c-section, I couldn't live with myself. I still feel it happening is my fault whether or not I got it but that would have done me in. I am glad you were strong enough to do it. I wish I had my dd too, I hate so much going into stores and seeing these little girl dresses, I have to fight the urge to not run over there and pick up these clothes. I still have this mindset of actually wanting to buy the clothing as if she's going to wear them one day.


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## Cuddlebaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
The OB said that a cord compression and Baker's resultant death could have happened if I were at the hospital. She mentioned that she knows of moms in labor at a hospital who went to the bathroom or took a lap around the L&D floor and then the baby didn't have a heartbeat when she returned. The OB said that my MF checked Baker's heartrate through a couple non-pushing contractions (I vaguely remember this) right before transferring me across the street to the hospital. So basically the cord compression occurred during my transfer, but could have happened at the hospital had I been there. I was transferred laying down on a stretcher, but the OB said that the same outcome could have occurred had I been laying down at the hospital.

I went to the hospital today to have blood drawn to check for genetic clotting abnormalities, just in case that had something to do with the chronic abruption. There was a mom and dad at the hospital entrance trying to figure out how to load their brand new baby boy in his infant carseat into their car. They have no idea how lucky they are. I was driven home from the hospital without my baby, in the rain past the funeral home where his body was taken. It is so unfair. I just want my baby back.

for once I agree with an ob. it would still have happened. How sure are they that the cord got compressed?

so you were bleeding? (abruption)

ISKWYM about every one else. really.

I want you to have your baby back too. I wish I could.

huge huge empathetic hugs.

Rebecca


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## ladybug732

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Last week I felt like I was working through my grief and starting to feel better, starting to pull out of my fog. But now I'm starting the process all over again with this new information. How do I live with the fact that he could have been OK...that he could be here with me now? Yes, he probably would have had some health issues, but it's likely that he'd be alive. All along we've been under the assumption that Baker's lungs wouldn't have allowed him to live no matter when he was born or under what circumstances he was born. But now that I know he could have made it, this is unbearable. It is so unfair that a twist of fate resulted in his death. It is positively maddening.

I completely understand your anger. We have not seen a specialist yet, but my blood tests showed high levels of homocysteine, which might be a possible cause. It makes me crazy thinking that a simple blood test would have shown the problem, and we could have done something about it. I have emailing another mama who has this condition, and the treatment is so simple - taking high doses of folic acid and B6 and a baby aspirin. And Audrey was old enough to survive even if treatment didn't work.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that no matter the cause, the result is still the same: I don't have my baby, and I have to learn how to live with that. Would I really be happier knowing there was absolutely no way to prevent the loss? I doubt it because I still wouldn't have my baby, which is the hardest part of it all. I think it's impossible for us NOT to be angry, but we can't let ourselves get consumed by it or play the blame game. (I know - it's way easier said than done.)

Hugs to you. You're not alone! I'm praying for all of us.


----------



## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
for once I agree with an ob. it would still have happened. How sure are they that the cord got compressed?

so you were bleeding? (abruption)

They are not very sure that the cord was compressed. It's basically the only explanation for Baker's death.

No, I wasn't bleeding. I had a chronic abruption, not an acute abruption. With a chronic abruption, there are no outward signs--no bleeding, no pain. As long as the placenta is working well enough, a baby can survive in the womb just fine with a chronic abruption. The OB thought that my abruption was present for a few weeks...maybe 4 weeks or so...and was not the cause of death.


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## Kim&Brooke

Dalene - its all so unfair, sometimes we think having answers will help and its not alwasy the case. Im so sorry for the loss of little Baker.

Samaria - hey mama - how are you? I love that graphic of Saige. I have that urge to buy Caden things I see in stores as well. ((hugs)) to you


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## Pookietooth

I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been so devastating. You will forever be Baker's mama.


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## zonapellucida

Oh mama, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Dalene

I had my 6-week post partum checkup yesterday at the birth center. We saw both midwives who were with me in labor. They said there have been many meetings of specialists, midwives, hospital risk management, etc about what happened to Baker. She said that they all are scratching their heads on the findings that say I had a chronic abruption. Apparently, this was concluded this from the lung tissue slides. But my placenta was perfectly normal, no evidence of an abruption. I didn't leak blood during labor and there was no blood "hiding" when they opened me up.

The MW had a different take on the condition of Baker's lungs than the OB told us on Monday. She thought that had he been born with a heartbeat, they may have been able to get his lungs working, but that he might have died soon after because his lungs weren't developed enough. So do we believe the OB, who indicated that he probably would have survived, or the midwife? It is all speculation; I realize there is no way to know for sure what would have happened. And I know it doesn't change the outcome, but I can't help but wonder.

OK, it helps just to write that all out. Thanks for reading.


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## Mommy2Haley

I'm so sorry for your loss Mama! Baker is beautiful and truly a blessing.

I wish you well on your journey through this tough time and hope you find peace with the loss of your little one. Know that he's in a place full of love and serenity even though he can't be in Mommy's arms. He knows you love him and he's watching over you.


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## momileigh

It seems odd to me that they would call chronic abruption based on the lungs, with no corroborating evidence at all on the placenta. Can you talk to the OB again, now that you've spoken with the midwife?

Not knowing must be very, very hard. You may choose to believe or focus on the scenario that brings you the most comfort. The one thing everyone agrees on is you were the best mama Baker could have had for his short little life. I'm sorry that he isn't with you now.


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## momz3

Baker


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## JMFS

Dalene,
I was wondering if you have been reading any books. I found _Empty Cradle Broken Heart_ to be helpful and _Still to Be Born_ good as well. The first few months, all I could really think of was what had happened so reading was therapeutic for me.


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## girlfromthefuture

Dalene,

I'm so sorry about your son, Baker. I want to say I know what you're going through...and offer advice, but I know all too well that grief is a personal journey. I lost my first daughter during the last few minutes of labor, at 41 weeks, 6 days...and I'm offering you friendship and support and my open ears...

Not knowing is a blessing and a curse. Did you post that you're having an autopsy? I hope you are able to get the answers that will bring you some peace. Mostly now I hope you are being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to feel what comes up - unfiltered.

Please reach out when you need to.

Warmly,
Mary


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## Smokering

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.







Take care of yourself, and let your DH take care of you.


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## mrsmaynard

Darlene!
My heart is broken for you. My son also died in early labour on this past Christmas eve. He weighed exactly the same as your little boy did, 7lbs 11oz.
It is heartbreaking and horrible what you have been through. The only place I have found solace at all is in reaching out to other mom's who have been here.
I am crying for you, and for the all mom's who had their dreams shattered so unexpectedly.


----------



## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *girlfromthefuture* 
Dalene,

I'm so sorry about your son, Baker. I want to say I know what you're going through...and offer advice, but I know all too well that grief is a personal journey. I lost my first daughter during the last few minutes of labor, at 41 weeks, 6 days...and I'm offering you friendship and support and my open ears...

Not knowing is a blessing and a curse. Did you post that you're having an autopsy? I hope you are able to get the answers that will bring you some peace. Mostly now I hope you are being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to feel what comes up - unfiltered.

Please reach out when you need to.

Warmly,
Mary

Thanks for the kind words. I really had no idea that babies could die in labor. I remember breathing a sigh of relief once I was through the first trimester, then once I got through the second, and again once I got to full term. I was so naive. Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. Were they able to find a cause of death for your baby?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsmaynard* 
Darlene!
My heart is broken for you. My son also died in early labour on this past Christmas eve. He weighed exactly the same as your little boy did, 7lbs 11oz.
It is heartbreaking and horrible what you have been through. The only place I have found solace at all is in reaching out to other mom's who have been here.
I am crying for you, and for the all mom's who had their dreams shattered so unexpectedly.

I couldn't believe how heavy Baker was! He felt so substantial when I held him in my arms. It doesn't make any sense to me that babies that big don't make it. I am so sad that our sons don't get to grow up.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JMFS* 
Dalene,
I was wondering if you have been reading any books. I found _Empty Cradle Broken Heart_ to be helpful and _Still to Be Born_ good as well. The first few months, all I could really think of was what had happened so reading was therapeutic for me.

Thanks. I will have to get Empty Cradle. I have also found _Life Touches Life_ to be helpful. I'm reading _When Bad Things Happen to Good People_ right now.

Some days I wake up and feel hopeful, and other days I wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread when I remember what has happened to us. Today was one of the latter, so I'm glad to have the distraction of being at work. DH and I tend to balance each other out-when one of us is feeling crappy, one lifts the other up-but it is the days when our moods are both crappy that it is not pretty. Thankfully, those days don't happen frequently.


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## fuel1316

im sorry for your loss lots of hugs


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## Theresa9599

I am so sorry to hear about this. Big hugs and prayers to you and your family.


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## girlfromthefuture

"Thanks for the kind words. I really had no idea that babies could die in labor. I remember breathing a sigh of relief once I was through the first trimester, then once I got through the second, and again once I got to full term. I was so naive. Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. Were they able to find a cause of death for your baby?"

I understand. I never thought my baby could die, either. Especially when I saw her and how big she was...how could she have been healthy enough to be an organ donor, but not live? There was no 'official' cause. The best the medical examiner, docs, midwives, dept of public health...could come up with is that her shoulder pinched the cord as she was being born. There was no damage to the cord, and nothing was obvious - when they can't find an exact cause, a cord accident is suspected.

Reading some of the other posts makes me want to tell you something that took me awhile to figure out (if that's okay with you)...

Your husband may not always be the best source of support for you. I know that may be difficult to hear, but it's the truth. I think that is why so many marriages have difficulty following the death of a child. Your husband is grieving as you are, and it's difficult to ask him to 'be the strong one'. I know the other posters meant the best in offering the advice for you to lean on him...but perhaps you would consider leaning on each other....and seeking counseling...or a support group....

You've been in my thoughts...sending a hug and my support,
Mary


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## fuel1316

imo as much as you can rely on a husband to be there to help physically (getting food, blankets, anything to help you stay off your feet) they can lend an ear and feel pain for the loss but i just dont think that they will ever know what you went through. i know my husband hurts for my m/c but he didnt go through what i did. i have wanted a baby since i was a teen (im now 25) hes only wanted a child since he married me. (7 months ago) i love him for being there for me but i turn you ladies. you know, youve been there, you have advice that he just cant offer me.


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## mytwogirls

Dalene: I know I have posted how sorry I am before, but I wanted to let you know again. I have been thinking about you often. There are really no words to express how I feel for you other than a simple "I am sorry for your loss." I hope your heart is healing and you are finding peace. You are the mommy of a beautiful baby boy. He is simply perfect.


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## Samaria86

Dalene said:


> Thanks for the kind words. I really had no idea that babies could die in labor. I remember breathing a sigh of relief once I was through the first trimester, then once I got through the second, and again once I got to full term. I was so naive. Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. Were they able to find a cause of death for your baby?
> 
> *I couldn't believe how heavy Baker was! He felt so substantial when I held him in my arms. It doesn't make any sense to me that babies that big don't make it. I am so sad that our sons don't get to grow up.*
> 
> I dont understand either. MY daughter was 9 pounds 10 oz. She was so heavy! I couldn't/can't understand how she didn't make it.


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## Cuddlebaby

Micah was 10 pounds 10 ounces.


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## Sheal

I'm so sorry mama - He is beautiful.

Quote:

From the dawn of your birth
To the sunset of your death
I honor you.

From the missions you completed
To your duties left undone
I honor you.

From the seasons of your being
Through the cycle of your life
I honor you.

From your time beyond the veil
Lie your entrance back again
May the angels support you
May my healing love reach you
From this moment until the end of time
So Mote It Be.

Silver RavenWolf
Even though his life was so short, I honor him as the person he is, was and always will be. May his angel wings fly him beyond pain and suffering and may they fly him to rest upon his parent's shoulders and hearts and comfort them.


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## mytwogirls

What a beautiful poem!


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## berkeleyp

Quote:

Thanks for the kind words. I really had no idea that babies could die in labor. I remember breathing a sigh of relief once I was through the first trimester, then once I got through the second, and again once I got to full term. I was so naive.
That is exactly how I felt. I felt betrayed almost that nobody had told me that babies do still die at birth.

Like Mary, I lost my daughter in the last few minutes of pushing at home. My daughter was seemingly perfectly normal and healthy 7lbs 13 oz but something must have happened. She was there and then she wasn't. I didn't have an autopsy but there was no obvious sign of anything according to my mw. They think it was probably a chord compression.

I rarely come here anymore but am glad to share my story with you. I always wanted to hear stories as close to my own as possible. You are right - intra-partum death is extremely rare. Much rarer than stillbirth as a whole. It is very difficult to find much info about it and it is often unexplained.

You have found a great resource here. The women I met on this board, including some who have posted here were my life-support in the weeks and months after my loss and I still love them dearly and talk with them often. I hope you find the support you need.

Also, I agree that your husband may not be able to offer the kind of support you are needing. My dh was wonderful in the beginning but as time passed, he handled his grief so differently and was not able to give me what I needed. I got that from other women who understood what I was going through.

My thoughts are with you as you move through the tunnel of grief. It sounds like already you see a glimmer at the end. You will get there. It gets less and less dark as time goes on, especially if you have given yourself the time and permission to really grieve actively. I did not return to work for over 3 months and then only to a part time job.

As others have offered, feel free to PM me anytime.


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## supakitty

These are the hardest of times. Someone reminded me once, there is no time limit on grief. Love and strength to you.

-Laura


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## JMFS

Dalene,
How are you?


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## knowerofnada

Oh, wow. I just read this. Dalene, my heart aches for you and your husband. I saw the photo of your beautiful Baker and it made me cry. I cannot imagie the grief you are trying to work through. I hope that each new day is a little easier to bare.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die._


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## AntoninBeGonin

Dalene, I am so sorry for your loss.























Baker


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## *Erin*

oh, love. i'm so very sorry for your loss. baker is lovely. my heart is absolutely broken for you.


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## PGNPORTLAND

Your son was beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss, Darlene.


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## ikesmom

I am so sorry! Prayer for strength and healing for you.


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## Dalene

Thank you all for your concern and beautiful poetry. I am working part time now and will return to fulltime soon. I am no longer on the verge of tears all the time. I carry his pictures with me and look at them often to get me through the day. When I get home from work, I sit in the rocking chair in Baker's room and think and cry and look at his belongings. His little baby clothes are the most painful reminders.

Now that I'm back in the world, I'm running into acquaintances who knew I was pg and getting questions like "so what did you have?" It's OK b/c I like talking about Baker, but I have to prepare myself for those moments. How I wish that I had good news for everyone.

DH and I booked a flight home to see my family. I have been putting off scheduling the trip because in my mind I had pictured myself introducing my grandparents to their first great-grandchild. I knew they would be touched by his name&#8230;Baker is my mom's maiden name. Instead, I'll be showing them pictures of our dead baby.

My best friend's son will be baptized that weekend. We were 10 weeks apart in our pregnancies and had so much fun being pg together, even though we live far apart. She came to visit and support me shortly after Baker died. She did not bring her DS, so I have yet to meet him. He is now 4 months old and will always be a reminder of what I lost. My plan is to meet her DS the day before his baptism. We may or may not attend his baptism, and if we do attend, will give ourselves permission to leave early. I'm happy with that plan.


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## Mama_Michelle

Mama, I am so sorry for your loss. May you find healing and peace. Baker is beautiful.


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## AngelBee

Your baby is beautiful!














I am so sorry for your loss.


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## ljortiz22

I am sorry for your loss.


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## Len

Baker

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## Kim&Brooke

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
DH and I booked a flight home to see my family. I have been putting off scheduling the trip because in my mind I had pictured myself introducing my grandparents to their first great-grandchild. I knew they would be touched by his name&#8230;Baker is my mom's maiden name. Instead, I'll be showing them pictures of our dead baby.

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL flew down to see us at Easter and I cried my eyes out becuase that trip was supposed to be for her to meet her new grandbaby and instead all I could do was take her to his grave...

Many hugs and peace your way...

Brooke


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## Cuddlebaby

I just wanted to give you and extra hug. our still born boys are only 8 days apart. I, also went back to work and got a lot of comments. enjoy your trip to see your grandparents. it will be bittersweet, I'm sure.


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## Dalene

Hugs to you, Cuddlebaby, and everyone else who has reached out to me with their own stories of loss.

I'm going through the "what-ifs" these days. For example, my MW had me drink a lot of water when I arrived at the birth center in case I hadn't had enough at home in labor&#8230;so what if I had been drinking more water? Maybe his cord wouldn't have compressed so easily. What if I hadn't been lying down on a stretcher when I was wheeled to the hospital? Maybe it was the position I was in that compressed his cord. Someone asked me if the MWs let me be in labor too long. I didn't know what to say. How long is "too long"? I had progressed to full dilation, so it's not like my labor stalled. Plenty of women have long labors that result in healthy babies, right? Everything was progressing, my fluid was clear, and Baker's heartbeat was strong&#8230;and then there was no heartbeat. So who is there to blame?


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## Cuddlebaby

I pushed 3 hours and labored for 3 days with #1 and #2 and both were 10/10 on apgars. it's def not length of labor or too much water. there is no one to blame. I feel for you. really. I'm going through the what ifs now more than before also. Saw my mw for 6 week check and she mentioned she thinks Micah's death was caused by my GD. I don't believe her. but googling it made me feel like crap. She also had me on glyburide. and it sounds a bit scary too. so I dunno. I know I feel worse.

speaking of cord compression and too much water I initially thought maybe it was cuz I was severely constipated on the last couple of days I could feel movement. but I don't think that now. Everything in there is squishy (even if intestines are full) except for baby's head and it would need something else hard to push up against.

huge huge hugs.


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## ladybug732

I think it's so natural for us moms to blame ourselves. We're so desperate to have answers that we'd rather blame ourselves than face the reality of the unknown. We just want to be able to point to something and say, "That's the cause", but for most of us who experience a loss, we will never fully know the medical reason. Heck, if the doctors can't even pinpoint it, why should we feel like we should somehow know?

For me, I'm looking for answers and understanding in my faith. I truly believe that losing my daughter was part of God's plan. Do I like it? Nope. Do I understand it? Nope. Do I trust Him? Yes, I do. As I was driving today and thinking about not understanding all of life's big questions, something popped into my head. I need to know the answers less than I need to know the One who is giving them. I know that Jesus' love for me is infinite, so I accept what happened, even though I don't like it.

Now I know there are lots of people who the last thing they want to hear is that the loss was God's will, and I understand that. Some people are comforted more by thinking it's just a random, cruddy part of life. Whatever you need to think to help get you through this, take comfort in it. But rest assured that you would have done anything to change the outcome if you had known. It isn't like people who choose to do things that they know are harmful to their babies. We all did the best that we knew how, and we should be patting ourselves on the backs for loving and wanting our babies as much as we did. We were and are good mommies. Hugs to all.


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## Dalene

I found out today that my blood work came back normal, so I don't have any blood clotting abnormalities. So again, there seems to be no reason.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
But rest assured that you would have done anything to change the outcome if you had known. It isn't like people who choose to do things that they know are harmful to their babies. We all did the best that we knew how, and we should be patting ourselves on the backs for loving and wanting our babies as much as we did. We were and are good mommies.

Thanks, ladybug. I need to hear that. Someone said earlier in the thread that if I had known what to do to keep my baby safe, I would have done it. That has brought me comfort.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama

What a beautiful little boy, mama.







I'm so sorry for what you've been through. My DD, Reagan, was stillborn @ 37 weeks so I know all to well much of the emotions you are probably going through. I am glad you found MDC and this forum specifically. I hope you find the support you need here. Take care of yourself, mama.


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## Blu Razzberri

Hi mama. I'm late into this thread; but I read all of your posts and updates. I'm so sorry for your loss. There isn't much left for me to say that hasn't already been said; but I would like to reiterate that this was no fault of yours. There wasn't anything you could have done differently. Sometimes things go wrong in birth no matter how much you prepare or plan.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
...The MW had a different take on the condition of Baker's lungs than the OB told us on Monday. She thought that had he been born with a heartbeat, they may have been able to get his lungs working, but that he might have died soon after because his lungs weren't developed enough. So do we believe the OB, who indicated that he probably would have survived, or the midwife?...

I had to answer this: Both parties are searching for answers. Everyone who was involved in the situation wants to make sure they did the very best they could; wants to learn from this so as not to have a repeat situation and wants closure. The bottom line is that Baker had no heartbeat when he was born. There wasn't anything that anyone involved could have done to change that.

I'm worried about one thing though, mama. You wondered aloud if you'd had a c-section before you were due if that might have saved Baker. If his lungs weren't developed at full term; bringing him out early wouldn't have helped that; and there would be other complications and likely the same tragic outcome. The one thing that's important to focus on here; is that Baker didn't suffer (where he might have if you'd had planned a c-section). I don't want you to scare yourself into having a c-section in future labors to avoid this again. I'd like to remind you that a lot can go wrong in a c-section too.

Try and focus on the positive things from here; even if there is very little. I know there's something positive that will come out of this; even if you don't know what that something is yet. I wish you well in your journey to healing, mama. This is a wonderful community for support and I hope you find the comfort you're seeking, here amongst other mothers who've walked in your shoes. Talking about it is important, and I'll come back for an update from time to time; just to see how you are.

Finally, I wanted to say that I think what your husband did for you for mothers day was such a beautiful idea. Do you have any special idea's for Fathers Day for him yet? I wouldn't know what to do; but if you need idea's, there are tons of extremely creative mama's on here who will have some awesome idea's if you ask for them!


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blu Razzberri* 
I would like to reiterate that this was no fault of yours. There wasn't anything you could have done differently. Sometimes things go wrong in birth no matter how much you prepare or plan.

Thank you so much. It helps to see those words in print. I definitely have been blaming myself...he was inside me, after all. Shouldn't I have known he was in trouble?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blu Razzberri* 
I don't want you to scare yourself into having a c-section in future labors to avoid this again. I'd like to remind you that a lot can go wrong in a c-section too.

I hear you. The OB has mentioned having a C/S with a future pregnancy, as soon as the baby's lungs are ready to go. I know I would be terrified of being in labor, but I don't want more surgery either. The C/S recovery was not fun, and I know there are risks for babies. I'm so mad that I had to have a C/S, after preparing so diligently for labor and getting to the pushing phase, AND my baby still died.

I have an appointment with a perinatologist next week to go over my medical records to see if there is anything the DRs or MWs missed, particularly for planning a future pregnancy. I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier in the thread that Baker had a bladder obstruction. Apparently, this is not uncommon in baby boys. The OB said that had Baker been born with a heartbeat, in addition to needing assistance breathing, he would have needed surgery to correct the bladder obstruction. I'm anxious to know what that would have entailed. Maybe he would have been in Children's Hospital for a while. I hope the perinatologist can shed some light on this. I know it doesn't make any difference now, but I have a need to know what life with Baker would have been like.

This weekend, DH and I flew home to visit my family for the first time since Baker died. I met my BF's 5-month old son for the first time. We had so much fun being pg together, even though we live far apart. It felt good to finally hold a baby. I've been oogling babies I see in public, but this is the first baby that I could touch and smell and kiss. DH and I noticed that Baker's feet at birth were bigger than this baby's feet at 5 months! He is a precious baby who will always remind us of Baker. We attended his baptism on Father's Day. Since we gave ourselves permission to not attend or to leave early, I actually felt OK being there. All in all, the weekend was bittersweet and full of "firsts", but will hopefully help us continue on the path to healing.

I find it so interesting that people, when expressing their condolences, want to know if DH and I are going to try again. I don't blame them-I wouldn't know what to say either-but I don't want just any baby, I wanted THIS baby. I miss THIS baby. Our son died. He never gets to grow up. Even if I have another baby, there will always be a big hole in our family where Baker should be.


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## ladybug732

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
I find it so interesting that people, when expressing their condolences, want to know if DH and I are going to try again. I don't blame them-I wouldn't know what to say either-but I don't want just any baby, I wanted THIS baby. I miss THIS baby. Our son died. He never gets to grow up. Even if I have another baby, there will always be a big hole in our family where Baker should be.

Yes, I completely agree. I have been realizing more and more lately that having another baby won't magically fix everything and make my grief go away. I think at first when I was still in shock, TTC seemed so important, like I had to hurry up and get pregnant, so I could get back to normal. But now I know that normal is gone, and I have to figure out how to live without Audrey. I hope someday to find a new kind of normal, but I know it will never be the old normal again. I definitely want to parent a living child, but Audrey will always be my firstborn, my sweet angel, the one who got away.









Remembering our babies tonight...


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
I think at first when I was still in shock, TTC seemed so important, like I had to hurry up and get pregnant, so I could get back to normal. But now I know that normal is gone, and I have to figure out how to live without Audrey. I hope someday to find a new kind of normal, but I know it will never be the old normal again. I definitely want to parent a living child, but Audrey will always be my firstborn, my sweet angel, the one who got away.

Yes, our new normal will never be the same as the old normal. I feel like my life is divided into two--"before Baker" and "after Baker".

I'm going to water the flowers at Baker's grave today. I haven't visited since last weekend.

Wishing you peace this morning, ladybug.


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## Cuddlebaby

i'm crying for you and all of us.


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## Blu Razzberri

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
...he was inside me, after all. Shouldn't I have known he was in trouble?...

Oh mama, _NO!_ Of course you wouldn't have known. Even if you had a clear stomach and could see him; you still wouldn't likely have known something was wrong! There's no way you could possibly have been able to detect anything was off. This is NOT (not not!) your fault; this is just how things go sometimes. Please, please - stop blaming yourself. Focus your energy on finding your strength to heal; continue to do things to honor your son; and connect with his spirit.

The clouds will always be in your sky now; but I hope that the sun shines through them soon.


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## ladybug732

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blu Razzberri* 
The clouds will always be in your sky now; but I hope that the sun shines through them soon.









This is a nice way to think about it. I will keep this in mind when I need some encouragement. Thanks!


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## Blu Razzberri

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
This is a nice way to think about it. I will keep this in mind when I need some encouragement. Thanks!..


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## Lyne-M

Dalene my heart goes out to you. I lost my LG at 34 weeks to a placenta abruption as well. I was discharged from hosp the on the 21st around 9 am. I ws in for BP control, had no pain or worries before that hospital stay. I ws hospitalised cause the nurses thought it was necessary. I was fine. So I stayed in hosp 3 days. On the 21st they say my BP is lower now I can go home. Went home, spent the day at home, at 2 am I feel uncomfortable, not pain just discomfort. I wake up and bath but fail to go back to sleep. At 3: 30 Dh wakes up and sees I cant sleep, he decides we should go back to hosp. We got there just after 4 am. They couldnt find my baby`s heartbeat. I couldnt believe it. I never thought it`d be possible.

I still feel that pain today. I feel like I always will.

Life is so unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## berkeleyp

Quote:

The clouds will always be in your sky now; but I hope that the sun shines through them soon.
That is a really beautiful metaphor. Its been four years for me and I think my daughter's death is no longer even a dark cloud but perhaps just a poofy one in the distance - a reminder of our love for her.

Having another baby definitely does not replace the one lost BUT it can be very healing. I think this is especially true when you lose your first. I hated being in motherhood limbo where I had a baby but didn't. A mother with no children is a hard thing to be. Having another child is very healing in that regard but just like any death, the dead loved one will always hold a place in your heart seperate from anyone else. I am not saying to rush ahead and get pregnant - everyone should wait as long as they feel comfortable. I am just sharing my experience.


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *berkeleyp* 
Having another baby definitely does not replace the one lost BUT it can be very healing. I think this is especially true when you lose your first. I hated being in motherhood limbo where I had a baby but didn't. A mother with no children is a hard thing to be. Having another child is very healing in that regard but just like any death, the dead loved one will always hold a place in your heart seperate from anyone else. I am not saying to rush ahead and get pregnant - everyone should wait as long as they feel comfortable. I am just sharing my experience.

"Motherhood limbo" is exactly where I am. I'm a mother waiting for someone to mother. My poor kitty suffers the consequences when I smother him with my motherly love and affection.

One of the MWs called yesterday to check in on me. The cause of Baker's death remains murky&#8230;*maybe* a chronic abruption caused his underdeveloped lungs, but it shouldn't have prevented him from surviving labor. Apparently, the only thing that could have caused his heart to stop beating is an occult (hidden) cord prolapse, given that his heartbeat went from being strong to being absent so quickly. I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is probably all we'll know; however, I am annoyed by people who assume that someone screwed up, that there is someone to blame for his death. It's frustrating to have to educate people that I was the unfortunate recipient of one of life's lightning strikes. Sometimes I say, "They think his cord was compressed during contractions, cutting off his oxygen", and leave it at that.


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
"Motherhood limbo" is exactly where I am. I'm a mother waiting for someone to mother. My poor kitty suffers the consequences when I smother him with my motherly love and affection.

One of the MWs called yesterday to check in on me. The cause of Baker's death remains murky&#8230;*maybe* a chronic abruption caused his underdeveloped lungs, but it shouldn't have prevented him from surviving labor. Apparently, the only thing that could have caused his heart to stop beating is an occult (hidden) cord prolapse, given that his heartbeat went from being strong to being absent so quickly. I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is probably all we'll know; however, *I am annoyed by people who assume that someone screwed up*, that there is someone to blame for his death. It's frustrating to have to educate people that I was the unfortunate recipient of one of life's lightning strikes. Sometimes I say, "They think his cord was compressed during contractions, cutting off his oxygen", and leave it at that.

Oh man don't I know how you feel on this one. I have people wanting to search for someone to blame someone to say caused this to happen to Saige. Some people want me to even sue but there's nothing to sue for. IT's aggravating.


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samaria86* 
Oh man don't I know how you feel on this one. I have people wanting to search for someone to blame someone to say caused this to happen to Saige. Some people want me to even sue but there's nothing to sue for. IT's aggravating.

Absolutely. I feel like some people are judging us for not suing or being angry at the doctors, hospital, and midwives. There's no one to be angry at. I can only be mad at the situation because there's no one person to blame for Baker's death. Thankfully, these people are few and far between in my life. I'm finding that people show their true colors when dealing with birth and death.


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Absolutely. I feel like some people are judging us for not suing or being angry at the doctors, hospital, and midwives. There's no one to be angry at. I can only be mad at the situation because there's no one person to blame for Baker's death. Thankfully, these people are few and far between in my life. I'm finding that people show their true colors when dealing with birth and death.

My hubby says he hates the doctors and he blames them, but what for? They didn't neglect my prenatal care. What could they have done? I didn't want a c-section, what were they going to do put a gun to my head and make me get a c-section? Also like you, I'm finding out how people are when things like this happen as well.


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## nycholisticmom

i'm so sorry for your loss...


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## Dalene

DH and I met with a perinatologist yesterday. He didn't have all of my records, so he relied on us to reconstruct the timeline of what happened when Baker died. It was frustrating b/c I don't have all the details straight in my head. We told him that I transferred from the birth center to the hospital, and Baker didn't have a heartbeat when we arrived-that he died when I was wheeled across the street. He said that the way to prevent it next time is to be in a hospital, which felt like he was suggesting that our baby would be alive if I was in the hospital in the first place. I was back in the depths of my grief, until I spoke with my mom. It is strange the way memory works&#8230;she told me that Baker was alive when we arrived at the hospital (she wrote down everything the OB and MWs said in the days following his death). All this time, I've been beating myself up that he died during the 3-min. transfer. In reality, he had a heartbeat when I arrived at the hospital, and then he was gone moments later. They performed my C-section as quickly as possible. It was the speed with which he went from being healthy, and tolerating labor well, to dying that is so unusual. The OB said that something acute happened because babies normally tolerate the kind of heart rate pattern that Baker had.

I feel better knowing this. Each new piece of information pulls us back and requires more processing. It is so hard.


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## JenMidwife

Oh my, what a lot to process.







I labored & birthed my 2nd tri loss & yes, the details are fuzzy too. That's great that you're mom took notes! What wonderful forthought.

It really sucks that the "medical establishment" can just say don't be in the birth center next time, which is such a cop out









I hope you're having some good days in the midst of your grief. I think of you often


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## Samaria86

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
DH and I met with a perinatologist yesterday. He didn't have all of my records, so he relied on us to reconstruct the timeline of what happened when Baker died. It was frustrating b/c I don't have all the details straight in my head. We told him that I transferred from the birth center to the hospital, and Baker didn't have a heartbeat when we arrived-that he died when I was wheeled across the street. He said that the way to prevent it next time is to be in a hospital, which felt like he was suggesting that our baby would be alive if I was in the hospital in the first place. I was back in the depths of my grief, until I spoke with my mom. It is strange the way memory works&#8230;she told me that Baker was alive when we arrived at the hospital (she wrote down everything the OB and MWs said in the days following his death). All this time, I've been beating myself up that he died during the 3-min. transfer. In reality, he had a heartbeat when I arrived at the hospital, and then he was gone moments later. They performed my C-section as quickly as possible. It was the speed with which he went from being healthy, and tolerating labor well, to dying that is so unusual. The OB said that something acute happened because babies normally tolerate the kind of heart rate pattern that Baker had.

I feel better knowing this. Each new piece of information pulls us back and requires more processing. It is so hard.

I wish I had someone to document everything when I was out of my mind, I am so glad you know this information now, now you know that it was nothing you did. I am even considering a out of the hospital birth next pregnancy, crazy huh? I just know the type of treatment I will get going into the hospital, I will have people freaking out over the tiniest thing and I don't want that. But anyway it's good to know nothing was the cause of you. *hugs* and again, I know how you feel people asking will you try again. I hear that question too often.


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## jennifer_lc1

i have shed many tears for you. i can't go a day without thinking of your story. i have had you and your family, and little baker in my thoughts for about 6 weeks now. i read your post shortly before i had my son almost 3 weeks ago, since then i have thought of you everyday and have seen that precious baby when i close my eyes. he is a beautiful little spirit. i can't express my true sorrow over your situation. i want you to know that you're all in my prayers everyday and night. i hope your path to healing is strong. you're a strong woman to get through this.

you will be blessed again and i am sure you will be an amazing mother to a beautiful little one when the time comes.

baker is a beautiful child.

i wish you peace and happiness ahead. you deserve it.


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## mamajama

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Mama.


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 
i have shed many tears for you. i can't go a day without thinking of your story. i have had you and your family, and little baker in my thoughts for about 6 weeks now. i read your post shortly before i had my son almost 3 weeks ago, since then i have thought of you everyday and have seen that precious baby when i close my eyes. he is a beautiful little spirit. i can't express my true sorrow over your situation. i want you to know that you're all in my prayers everyday and night. i hope your path to healing is strong. you're a strong woman to get through this.

you will be blessed again and i am sure you will be an amazing mother to a beautiful little one when the time comes.

baker is a beautiful child.

i wish you peace and happiness ahead. you deserve it.

Thank you for your kindness and prayers. Your words brought tears, which are a good thing for me. Please hold your new little one tight in acknowledgement that it truly is a miracle when everything goes right and a healthy baby is born.

I received the final recommendations from the maternal-fetal medicine specialist today. For a number of reasons (my son was a normal weight, ultrasounds were normal, fundal height always on track, I leaked clear fluid and baby had a normal heartbeat in labor), the general consensus is that no one believes I had a chronic abruption that resulted in low fluid (a scenario raised by the autopsy). Thus, cord compression is suspected. The doctor sees no reason for me to see a high-risk specialist in my next pregnancy and sees no need for a baby aspirin or similar measures.

A teenager in my area recently died in a car accident. I don't know the family. Visiting hours were last night in my neighborhood. DH and I walked past on our regular "one foot in front of the other" walks. Parked cars clogged the street and the line of mourners snaked out the door and down the sidewalk. I could feel a palpable heaviness over the whole neighborhood. It breaks my heart that another family has lost their baby.


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## trinh86

I am so sorry for you loss. It doesn't matter how a woman losses her baby, each way is sad and heart aching. I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I, too, lost my son (due to stillborn), but I promise you the pain is so similar. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope in time, you will get better. I know time does not HEAL the pain, but we do learn how to accept and deal with what happened.


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## Dr.Worm

I am so very sorry.


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## Mommy of Izzy

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I went through a very similar experience in July with my first baby as well. The lonliness, frustration and saddness are overwhelming. I really understand and hope that you are receiving support.


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## Broken Heart

*Hello

I am so sorry for your loss what a heart breaking thing to go

through.

Your beautiful little Baker is with my little Louis and I wish things

were so different for us both.

Time is a healer of many things but not for the longing of our children

to be back where they belong.

My heart goes out to you and your family it really does.

Take good care , Sandra xx*


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## Dalene

In the mail today was a bill from Children's Hospital for "newborn resuscitation". When he was born via crash C/S, a neonatologist intubated my son and tried for 10 min to resuscitate him. Here's what I think happened: my insurance denied the claim because Baker was not covered by insurance because he doesn't have a birth certificate because he died immediately before birth and was technically stillborn. I've been expecting a bill for the autopsy, which I understand that health insurance typically does not cover, but this is the ultimate F-U. I can't stop crying.

What could be crueler?


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## goodheartedmama




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## girlfromthefuture

Oh honey, it isn't fair. I'm so sorry. We received a similar bill...it was very difficult. More difficult for me was not receiving a birth certificate...she was born! I received a death certificate, and the kicker is that her time of death is different from her time of birth....what a mixed message to send a grieving parent.

You insurance company WILL cover Baker. He's your child and was born. The birth and anything happening surrounding his birth is covered. You need to call the insurance company and let them know he was born, though. You don't need to tell them anymore than they ask for. We just gave them our daughter's name and birth date, and then the bills can be resubmitted to insurance.

I know it's too much to have to go through the extra effort, and I'm sorry you have to be thinking about this stuff.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you talk to a kind insurance agent who is gentle with you.

Warmly,
Mary


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *girlfromthefuture* 
You insurance company WILL cover Baker. He's your child and was born. The birth and anything happening surrounding his birth is covered. You need to call the insurance company and let them know he was born, though. You don't need to tell them anymore than they ask for. We just gave them our daughter's name and birth date, and then the bills can be resubmitted to insurance.

Thanks for your advice, Mary. It's exactly what I needed. I'm going to start with the birth center tomorrow to see if they can start to fix the problem from the billing side of things because, undoubtedly, there are more charges to come. Then I will deal with the insurance company.


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## Cuddlebaby

when they don't know/can't find cause of death of a neonate they go to 'cord compression' by default.

I'm sorry about insurance company crap. they are idiots.


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## ladybug732

Ugh, I'm so sorry you got that stupid, cruel bill. That is just plain WRONG. I agree in hoping that you are able to talk to a real person who is understanding and will fix everything with no argument. Hugs, Dalene, and thinking of you.









Kathleen


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## Dalene

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
A teenager in my area recently died in a car accident. I don't know the family. Visiting hours were last night in my neighborhood. DH and I walked past on our regular "one foot in front of the other" walks. Parked cars clogged the street and the line of mourners snaked out the door and down the sidewalk. I could feel a palpable heaviness over the whole neighborhood. It breaks my heart that another family has lost their baby.

DH and I visited Baker's grave over the weekend and, as I suspected, this teenager is buried right next to my son. There was a huge mound of flowers on the young man's grave. I think I'll write a note to the family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
Ugh, I'm so sorry you got that stupid, cruel bill. That is just plain WRONG. I agree in hoping that you are able to talk to a real person who is understanding and will fix everything with no argument. Hugs, Dalene, and thinking of you.









Kathleen

Thanks, Kathleen. I talked to the birth center and my health insurance and figured out how to fix the problem. We added Baker to our insurance and had it back-dated, so that should take care of any charges related to him. I knew that I had 31 days from the birth of my baby to sign him up for the plan, but I didn't know that I still needed to sign up my dead baby who wouldn't ever need vaccinations or wellness visits. That's a detail that isn't covered in "What to expect...". I found out in the course of my phone calls that the hospital waived the autopsy and related lab charges, so that is good to know.

It doesn't take much to throw me into grieving. I need to grieve, but I'd rather do it on my own terms, thinking about my happy pregnancy and talking about Baker, than at the whims of hospitals and insurance companies. Ugh.


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