# Something beautiful every day



## JayJay

I wanted to post a thread here because I decided to start writing down one beautiful thing every day that I saw or experiences since Josie died. It's kind of a "life will go on" type of deal I suppose, and it's helped me take that step each day - you know, the one you have to take to continue moving forward instead of stagnating and turning into sludge (something I sometimes do!).

So here goes:

Yesterday evening was so starry. Harry and I stood outside the front door and he said "look at all the stars in the sky". I looked up and saw that indeed, the stars were really bright - you could see the milky way stretching all across the sky even in the middle of the town. I said "how romantic!" and he said that it was. He grinned and winked at me, and I giggled at him - a small flirtatious exchange, but a big step nonetheless. We went back inside and had a cup of tea.

I will post today's later on, but wanted to make it public now because perhaps there are some people here who want to join in? If you do, just post. Every little helps, doesn't it?


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## Eliseatthebeach

It's amazing how life really does go on isn't it? Even though it feel like the world should just stop.

I'm glad you are finding something beautiful everyday. Here's some







:


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## JayJay

Okay, yesterday the beautiful thing was that our midwife came around and met my mother, and we had such an awesome conversation about anything and everything for hours. I felt like me again of a couple of hours. That was so good. Light at the end of the tunnel very clearly came out then. When we wet to bed, me and Harry had such a nice cuddle.









Today, the most beautiful thing was finding that I had the urge to be creative again both musically and in painting. I think I might get stated tomorrow on both...


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## mamagrove

JayJay, you are amazing.







To go through all that you have gone through, & still be putting so much effort into seeing the beauty in life, & going out of your way to lift up the others on this board... well... you're truly an inspiration.

Perhaps, as you say, if you didn't do it this way you'd go insane with the grief, but still... I imagine there are a million & one ways to deal with loss. It takes a conscious choice & a concerted effort to deal with it the way you are.

YOU are my beautiful "thing" for today. Blessings & more blessings to you.







:


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## SMR

I agree with mamagrove! JayJay you are amazing! How can we all be down in the dumps when there is someone out there like you shining a big light around for all of us to see!? Esp. with your history.. your mom and husband having lost babies before.. but you have chosen to rise above it and force yourself to not be bitter.. and I think that's just awesome! Our babies don't want bitter depressed mommas, now do they!? NO WAY!

Something beautiful for yesterday then.. walking through the crunchy autumn leaves and smelling that crisp air! mmm LOVE IT!


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## JayJay

Well, thank you - HUGS to you all. Join in! We can do this! I had an enormous cry earlier when I thought about the fact that Josie had a death certificate but no birth certificate because she hadn't lived outside my body - how can you die when you've never been born? Harry got a kick out of that one. I got it out of my system and feel calm again. Crying is important, but here is my beautiful thing for today:

Walking down by Walnut Lake with Harry, Aurora, Devin and my mom. There were some trees there that had been struck by lightning and they were bent over in all sorts of weird ways but had kept growing, their leaves trailing all over the ground. They were fabulous to look at and my mom took some pictures.

On the way to the lake we stopped at an apple orchard owned by a friend of Harry's and we walked through the orchard and picked the best red apples. He has 27 different types of apples in there! We picked apples, putting them in paper apple bags and we ate at least two crisp apples each on the way - fresh and cold from the Autumn creeping in all around us...


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## mamagrove

Today was a good day for me. It has been hard sometimes dealing with a toddler while dealing with my m/c, but I am so thankful to have her...

I spent some time with family while my mother helped me make DD's Halloween costume (which is going to be so adorable, if I may say so myself :smile ).

When DH got home, I pulled out some cheap shower curtain liners & covered the dining room table & floor so DD could paint her first Halloween pumpkin. She had a blast, & covered the entire pumpkin, highchair, & herself with paint, & DH caught some of it on video. The funniest part: we tried to get her to say "I love you Daddy" before he turned off the camera, but since she is used to saying "DaDa" & not "Daddy," it came out as "I yuv you Dummy!" I could not stop laughing for about 10 minutes, & am still chuckling as I write it.


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## SMR

For today..
our friends having us over for a yummy dinner and seeing their new house. It's so nice to get out sometimes!


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## Fireflyforever

For us today:

My mum and dad looked after our 6 YO & 4YO over night. That meant a lie-in, a cup of tea in bed this morning and a long soak in a lavender bath.

Small things but they're there.


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## mamagrove

Today was my first day back at work after my m/c. I'm a labor & delivery RN, so I was nervous about going back.

My "something beautiful" today was the support of my coworkers.

Like Fireflyforever said, "Small things, but they're there..."


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## JayJay

For my beautiful thing today, I have to say this:

We went to our friend's house and we all had a great meal there, with my mom and everyone. We had good, honest conversation and the kids all got to play together for a long, long time - which meant they all went to sleep really well! I also managed to make it to my first shop in my town. I haven't been to any stores. I got the reaction I expected and totally handled it - but, I will be sticking to my plan of one shop every other day to gradually acclimatize myself. Nevertheless, it's progress, and progress is beautiful!


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## SMR

Yesterdays beautiful thing was dancing with my husband at our friends wedding..and sometimes just watching him bust a groove.. that's boys a dancin' fool!!









Today's beautiful thing would be... ummm ah, yes.. getting guitar hero world tour and ACTUALLY being better at singing than Shaun! He's naturally good at everything (seriously.. he's an artist and an engineer!) and I am just NOT! haha BUT.. I beat him out at this.. and that was beautiful!


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## JayJay

Okay, today the beautiful thing was my mother's stewed apples that she made - everyone liked them very much! I also managed to get into the local grocery store even though I was really anxious about it, with Harry's help, and got all the way through and we almost remembered everything (except tea) and he stood next to me the whole time.

I love Harry so much.


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## amydawnsmommy

I am very sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby Josie.

Facing death helps us to realize how beautiful life and every moment in it is and to cherish every moment we get to be alive.


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## mamagrove

I am just being honest here, and I'm really trying to look for something positive every day...

Today was an absolutely horrible day, I cannot stop crying.

BUT...

The beautiful thing about today is that it's over!

Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will rise. And that's beautiful.


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## SMR

I'm sorry you had a tough day mamagrove!


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## mamagrove

So... you know from my last post that yesterday was awful. It also ended in a stupid but horrible argument with my husband.









But, that leads me to today...

DH knew I had an appointment early this morning for another HCG blood draw. But he still had the car seat in his car due to me being at work all day yesterday. He was running just barely on time as he was getting ready to leave for work this morning, & also because of our argument last night, I thought for sure he'd have just thrown the car seat in the front hallway in his rush to get out the door for work.









It's not that it's that difficult of a task to install the carseat, although it is ginormous & cumbersome. But DD gets up way early, so I either have to get up earlier than way early to put the carseat in; or if she's awake I have to leave her in the house in her crib while I go outside & do it (& she is on the verge of figuring out how to climb out of her crib literally any day now & her bedroom is on the second floor & she can already open doors (!), so that makes me uncomfortable); or I have to cart her with me outside & try to keep her from either running in the street or getting her foot caught as she tries to do the "pedals" like Mommy does or whatever else she can manage to get herself into while I try to install the stupid carseat!







:

Again, these are not serious issues, but it is somewhat of an annoyance, & one that I was certain I'd have to deal with first thing this morning b/c of the aforementioned circumstances.

But here's my beautiful thing for today (took me long enough, right? Geez I ramble a lot these days...): DH, despite our argument last night, & despite him being on the verge of running late for work, still took the extra time & effort to install the carseat in my car so it would be ready for me when I left for my appointment & I didn't have to deal with the hassle.









So, it was such a nice way to be reminded that, even though we're both dealing with this loss in different ways & sometimes I feel like he doesn't understand me at all & how will we ever get through this... our love & commitment for each other is still there, still strong, still the solid foundation that we need to stand on right now, & as long as we keep that at the forefront - we're gonna be OK. And that is such a beautiful feeling.


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## JayJay

Gosh I forgot to do this yesterday! Okay, here is my beautiful thing for yesterday which was a hard day because it was actually Josie's due date - a fact that kept throwing my brain into the "what? my baby isn't here?" mode that is so confusing and quite debilitating. So for that reason I was quite low when I woke up.

Well Harry came back at 12 for lunch and just came and gave me the nicest cuddle and asked how I was - when I could only shake my head and sit, he gathered it was not a good day and sat next to me on the bed and put his arm around me and we just sat for a while.

Well, that gave me a boost, and in the afternoon I drove all the way to Mankato and my mum and I went to several stores and I almost remembered everything! The most beautiful thing about that was that I went to a music store and got excited about finding two CDs - I got excited about listening to music and feeling pleasure from it for about the first time since Josie died.

Also, I noticed that despite several frosts, our three daisy plants outside are still re-blooming pink, white and purple in the front yard. I will have to take a picture because they came back even bigger and more beautiful than when we planted them!

Hugs to everyone!


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## Maidenwisdom

DInners are definately helping us. It is amazing how much stress and free time is involved in food prep...even when you typically enjoy that task. I have been able to spend the extra time, relaxing, and being WITH the kids more. This has helped keep everything much more even in our lives. Everytime someone brings us food it is a BEAUTIFUL day.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
For today..
our friends having us over for a yummy dinner


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## SMR

Today - playing at an indoor slide place with DD... I went down the slides lots and had so much fun chasing her around the obstacle course. Then I tried Bosu ball aerobic class and that was fun too.. not really beautiful, but fun!


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## SMR

sorry your yesterday sucked Jayjay... those anniversary type days are hard. Today is 7 weeks for Dresden...







and this morning (via email) I found out that my friend had her baby girl yesterday - I'm happy for them of course, but cried while reading the stats and looking at her picture.. it's so hard that these other babies are here and ours isn't.
It sounds like you have an amazing support system and I really think that makes all the difference in how we heal. Hugs!


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## Sanguine

Mamagrove & JayJay... sorry you've been having rough days.








I haven't been up to working on Teddy's halloween costume... couldn't even get enthused about thinking of a costume, let alone making one. Today I asked what he wanted to be and he said, delightedly, 'beeboo!' Which means blueberry.
So I got one of my blue tshirts and put it on him, started gathering the bottom and rolling under the sleeves, and stuffed some tissue paper in it. He was totally thrilled. I mean, it's just a blue t-shirt! Thankfully, it doesn't take that much to delight a two-year-old. When I was putting him to bed tonight, a tiny voice out of the dark said 'mommy look hat!' ... reminding me to look for a hat to sew some leaves onto.
I still think he is going to be an awesome older brother someday.


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## JayJay

Well, my beautiful thing for today was...well many things!

I found some canvases (complete and stretched) on sale at Micheal's for 40% off, and bought them - big ones - total price $23 - so now I can paint to my heart's content.

Also, my father asked about my music and he wanted all my newer stuff, and reckoned maybe I could make money from it. The song on the Josie site is me, you see - I make music. Well, that was nice. My Dad's a musician and he's very supportive, so we'll see. Listening to the music again really lifted me up, so that was nice.

And Harry made a beautiful pork roast - that was wonderful and my mum really enjoyed it!


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## Fireflyforever

JayJay, I'm so pleased that your creativity is resurfacing ... I definitely think it's a way through this. I make cards and have had my card making kit out a few times since losing Emma. The brief escape from grief is blissful.

Okay, my day was mixed ... went out shopping alone for the first time since having Emma and it just felt wrong being out without a sling or stroller ... and it meant getting in our car which we specifically bought to accomodate 3 car seats ... we both find that hard BUT ... I realised that I could never have got out like I did 2 weeks pp after my 2 cs births. My physical healing after Emma's vbac is one beautiful thing for today (I think of it as her special gift to me).

Another, a friend from another late loss board who lost her daughter 2 years ago and has been trying to get pregnant ever since posted her pregnancy announcement ... early days yet but I feel so different about women who are pg after loss than I do about pg women in general. I'm so pleased for her.

And lastly, making birthday cards for DH with my 2 darling children. They are so cute when they're being crafty (well all the time actually







)

Guess today was reasonably good!


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## SMR

Carving pumpkins with friends!
Going to kickboxing class!
Having a friend from my childhoods mom coming over bringing a plant, books and love after hearing about Dresden from my sister recently.

It is so good to be loved by so many people.


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## JayJay

We went to Harmony yesterday - me, my mum and Harry's Ma and got so many lovely thing like elderberry jelly and even sorgham (Harry always wanted some). We had a lovely lunch in a cafe - chicken breast with sauteed mushrooms and onions over wild rice, and then a strawberry cheesecake so good afterward that I actually dreamt about it last night!

Our midwife came over then, after that (once we were home) and we had a nice cup of tea and a conversation and I gave her some of our apples.

Probably the most visually beautiful thing yesterday was the scene my mm took a photo of outside harmony - a scene looking into a valley with two or three Amish houses on either side. That was something, in the autumn colors. That was beautiful indeed!


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## Fireflyforever

Today ... snuggling up warm and cosy indoors whilst listening to a good old fashioned thunder storm.

JayJay ... thank you for this thread. I actively look for good things in my day so that I can post them here ... that's gotta be a healthy path through this grief, right!?


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## JayJay

Well I do as well! And it does seem to make a difference. Let's see if other people join in - I think it is good therapy, like never going to sleep on an argument with you mate. Gotta forge a way ahead somehow don't we!

Today, we went and got Halloween costumes. I am going to be an Egyptian queen...very fancy!

My beautiful things for today are Aurora and Devin in their costumes. Aurora is a skeleton rock star (very cool) and Devin is a pirate (very dashing!). My mother is a witch and made me laugh with her costume. Harry is going to be a wrestler. Tomorrow we'll carve pumpkins after the kids get out of school... Hopefully it'll be mild like today, then we can walk around in costume outside. If not, we'll all hop in the car. I even managed to think about Josie in a bee costume like we'd wanted, and instead of getting upset I felt all warm inside, and full of love, and kind of felt her near. That was nice, actually.

May tomorrow bring us good weather like today...the kids are going to school in costume and they are going to look awesome!


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## SMR

I'm sure Josie would have looked adorable in a bee costume!







It hurts me to see the cute lil' infant costumes.. i try to avoid them.. I was just excitedly looking forward to walking the neighborhood with Dresden in my autumn leaves sling - nursing him secretly as we trick or treated! ah, my dream world!

So, my thing for today... going to a huge natural parent group halloween party! Meeting a bunch of people, eating tasty foods, chatting, watching the kids play! What can get more beautiful than that?


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## Sanguine

I went to a birth yesterday (third week anniversary of my miscarriage)--it was wonderful to have such a happy memory to replace the images that have come back to me every Thursday.


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## SMR

Jayjay, I decided to put something beautiful on my blog! So my family and friends can join in! Thanks for the great idea!! We all need a little big of beauty in our every day lives!


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## JayJay

No problem - we need this. We are not betraying our babies who died - we are honoring their lives and honoring those that come later (well, that's my opinion anyway!) by allowing beauty to come into our lives even on really cruddy days. Gosh if anything, losing Josie has really stamped into my mind exactly how fragile life is and how I could lose any member of my family at any time. We almost lost Harry's sister Bess yesterday - she hit a deer, totaling the front of her car, and then got plowed into by the car at the back (four cars in total were involved in the crash), totaling the back. Luckily she's fine, but that was luck! Life is fragile - we have to make all that we can of it!


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## JayJay

Yesterday...

Watching the leaves and the tiny little green twigs in the fire burn and curl up, all red and hot... Dressing up as an Egyptian queen for Halloween and frightening everyone with my eye makeup... Grinning at the kids because they looked so cool in their Halloween garb - Devin even had a curly mustache... Carving pumpkins and setting them outside with candles in them - they looked so awesome...

Today - who knows! I will have to post tomorrow though because we are heading out of town to Harry's sisters before taking my mum to the airport tomorrow morning. Hugs to everyone! XXX


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## namaste_mom

Fireflyforever- I looked for your original post about the loss of baby Emma but I couldn't find it so decided to post to you here. I'm so sorry to read that another mama lost their baby (((HUGS))). I'm happy that you all can find something beautiful everyday. I had a very difficult time for a long time after the loss of Norah. Now, it is easy to do, then....not so much.


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## Fireflyforever

Thank you namaste_mom. I noticed from your signature that we have had similar journeys through pregnancy and loss ... my elder two are a little older than yours, I also had a m/c just before conceiving Emma and lost Emma at 40 weeks. I'm adding my prayers to yours for the safe and happy arrival of your beautiful rainbow baby in a few weeks. I'm really hoping that their is a rainbow baby in my not too distant future too.

I don't always find it easy to focus on the good stuff but I make myself when I come on this thread - and I always feel a little better for doing it.

"Beautiful" things for today:

My DH decided to hold a slot car racing party for himself and a few friends to celebrate his birthday. It was sooo much fun ... 6 cars on 2 lanes, much ramming and barging each other off. A fair amount of cheating and giggling ... it feels good to be able to laugh and the friends who came were great. They just let us be us - with no expectations about how we might feel or act. That's a relief.

Oh, and we got a card from a lady at church (whom we don't even know - our church has 4 different services every Sunday) who had heard about Emma and wrote to us, telling us about the loss of her newborn daughter 18 years ago. She has offered to meet me if I ever want to. It's too soon yet but it is good to know that there is somebody in real life I can talk to if I ever want to, because I don't know anyone else this has happened to in "real" life. DH and I are astonished at how far the ripples from our baby daughter's birth and death travel. She has had a profound effect on SOOO many people.


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## SMR

Fireflyforever - we found out that our neighbors had a baby boy die 44 years ago and they reassure us that you never forget!! It's sad but also very comforting to know that there are others who we can talk to and that they will know what we're going through.

Today - finally getting the trim for our kitchen (we've been remodeling all year!) and being outside in the beautiful day while staining the wood! I'm feeling like i actually want to DO things now.. I'm working out regularly, and feel like organizing things around the house.. it's strange cause during the pregnancy I felt kind of lazy and didnt have drive to do much... so I'm feeling like the 'old me' little by little..

yesterday - halloween, of course!!


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## JayJay

Okay, for yesterday we have this: Harry's apple pie. I've been boasting about it for over a year to my mum, and she finally got to try it - hurrah! It really was beautiful - he bakes the best pies









For today (which was a hard day because we had to drop my mum off at the airport) I have to say it was our family meal at Applebee's that we had on the way home from Bess's house. It was a nice meal and Harry and I shared a triple chocolate meltdown dessert!







Funny how so many beautiful things are food...heh! At least I won't waste away!


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## SMR

yesterday - playing wallyball and hosting a game night with friends. We had some laughs and good times. Oh, and while were on the subject of foods being beautiful things.. at game night we had U-bake pizzas.. like the ones my mom used to buy when we had slumber parties as kids! Funny how foods can take you back to a different time!


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## JayJay

Okay here is todays...

I took the flowers from the funeral and sorted them out - nipped the rosebuds which had dried off, and all the other flowers that had dried nicely, and put them in the bottom of a basket and made a kind of arrangement out of them. They look so nice I might post a picture! Then, I took the daisies which were all different colors. The petals had all dried so I took the petals off them and some other flowers (and stray rose petals) and put them in a jar, which I put on a shelf - another nice little arrangement! Finally I took the flowers which had dried nicely all by themselves and put them in a vase. I cleaned out all of the other vases, and rearranged the living flowers in our living room and kitchen.

Then, I took my maternity clothes which were all neatly washed and folded, and put them in a white bag, and labeled them, putting them in the closet for next time! All together it was a pretty productive day and I am so pleased with my little flower arrangements - it seemed like a really nice way to preserve some of the lovely flowers people got us.

So altogether lovely really!







Hope everyone had a nice day today. Hugs XX


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## SMR

That does sound lovely Jayjay! I'm still trying to figure out what to do with all the dried flowers. I want to put some special things together for our siblings and parents, so they can have a little bit from them too!

Hmm I suppose my beautiful thing for today was... being told by the doctor that I can TTC anytime I feel emotionally ready! I thought I'd be told that with the c-section that I should wait until mid next year.. but I told her that I wanted to try in January, and she said that the risks weren't much higher for trying sooner than later.. sooo that made me feel pretty good! Also, working out with Shaun was nice and relaxing!


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## Fireflyforever

Been a tough couple of days emotionally here but I'm still trying to look for positives ...

Yesterday DD and I spent a lovely afternoon making sparkly princess puppets out of popsicle sticks, funky foam and glitter ... that was fun.


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## Milkymommi

New friends. A warm welcome and a safe place, that is beautiful to me today. I feel a small ray of hope for the first time.


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## JayJay

Oops - yesterday...hmm - tons really! Oh - talking to my midwife in the afternoon. That was really really nice. She always give the best hugs and I was able to get a few things out, over a cup of tea with her. I'm so glad she's in our lives like this!

Also my Dad called, which was lovely, and said that we'd be coming over to see him between June 21st and July 15th of next year. He lives in England and we're all so excited - so that was good too.

And of course the historic election results. Hurrah for change!







*grins*


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## SMR

I actually have something beautiful instead of just fun or happy.
Yesterday -(Dresden's 8 week birthhday) I took Gwen to the park and took nature walk.. we climbed up this steep hill, and got to the top, a circular area covered in trees and fallen leaves! We sat down for a while and watched as each new leaf fell from the tree, and it was SO beautful! Ahhhhhhhhh

And yes, JayJay - THE ELECTION!! YAY! MY vote finally counted!!


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## Fireflyforever

Okay so it's Bonfire Night here in England ... and also DH's birthday.

Our beautiful thing was heading into the garden and lighting Sparklers to celebrate, with our 2 children, my sister and my nephew. We all enjoyed pretending to write our names with the light.

I bought a journal and wrote my first entry - it felt good.

...and Ben saying casually as he ate birthday cake at teatime, "I love my sister Emma, even though she died." He's been the one hiding his feelings the most so that caught my heart.


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## SMR

I went to kickboxing class.. and stayed after to talk to the instructor.. who has also been the teacher for Gwen's playground fitness class for the past year. We haven't spoken much before.. but I felt like i needed to tell her about Dresden.. I keep feeling like what kind of mother leaves her newborn all the time to go to kickboxing and why wouldn't I bring him to the play class (all the other parents do!) So, I told her.. it was kind of akward (HI, I'm Shannon, I'm sure you remember I was pregnant.. my baby died), but it felt great at the same time! I get choked up a bit when talking about him, but it's getting easier and I do enjoy talking about him to others.


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## JayJay

Oops - been saving my beautiful things!

Okay, the day before yesterday I have to say the most beautiful thing was spending time with Harry having chats about anything and everything. That was nice. Suddenly something came to me in the middle of a conversation and I said something along the lines of:

"You know, we are a strong family. We might have hard times, you know - now is one of them...but you know...just having you in my life each day, no matter what happens, makes every day better. Having you around makes every single one of these days better."

And I sat and thought for a minute and then looked at him and he had this twinkly look in his eyes, which I hadn't seen for a while. It was lovely and I meant every word. Without him, this would be so much worse - he really is my rock. If anything in the last month I've realized what a gift we were given, finding one another in this crazy world.

For yesterday, well, the snow falling was gorgeous. I went to the local store by myself for the very first time and talked to a friend for some time about what had happened in detail. She invited me to her house - she's just had two grandchildren almost back to back - actually within weeks of one another (her daughter was due two days before me), and said I should hang out there with the babies for a bit - I'd said I didn't want to keep away. That was nice. I definitely don't want to alienate myself and would love to meet the babies as long as nobody was surprised if I got a bit teary eyed. So that was nice!

Then I hung out with Harry's sister all afternoon, and dyed her hair for her - that was fun. We went shopping and I bought some lovely things and redid our bedroom in boudoir style yesterday evening. I figured I should redo it because so far it's been a tip, full of folded laundry, Kleenexes and stuff we put in there when we took the crib down - not very sanctuary-like. But now, it's lovely! The perfect place for us to be and someday...to conceive Josie's little sibling in *grin*. That felt really really good, to do that. I should post a picture later or something.

Anyhow there we go - this thread is going to continue (even if I get sidetracked lol)

Hugs to all! XXX


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## Fireflyforever

Todays beautiful thing was going into the loft at Grandma and Grandad's house and finding DH's sisters bridesmaid dress from abut 25 years ago.

DD has been playing princesses ever since


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## JayJay

Yesterday...having dinner at a friend's house ad having a lovely conversation. We meant to stay for a couple of hours and ended up staying seven hours! Had some nice chats about crazy things and had a really nice time. I always like spending time with these friends - they really do keep us feeling normal and have been so supportive - there's nothing like a bit or normality and friendship during a difficult period, is there? That's beautiful simply from a human standpoint.


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## Fireflyforever

Yesterday's beautiful thing was DS (aged 6) nodding off in the car on the way home from visiting Grandma and Grandad. It sounds silly but he's such a grown up little thing and hasn't fallen asleep in the car for years now. He just looked so sweet and innocent - with flushed cheeks and tousled hair. I could see the baby he used to be ... Emma was a lovely mix of him and DD at birth


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## SMR

today - paying 40 bucks to fill up my van!









We went to our cabin over the weekend.. and that whole experience was beautiful, relaxing and perfect!!


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## Sanguine

I built a bookshelf for my son's gigantic library of board books. He was so excited to help me measure, and he couldn't wait to put his books on it. I'm always thankful for him, even on those less beautiful days when he makes me want to scream. Jill, your post made me misty. My little guy is growing up so fast--and he's only 2!
My beautiful thing for the last week has been the election!


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## Fireflyforever

Today's 2 beautiful things (and I'm posting as an affirmation that there are beautiful things because I'm in a dark place these last few days ... I miss my baby girl so much







: ) BUT ... there a pinpricks of light:

I went to parents evening for my 4YO at her nursery. She received rave reviews! So, I'm a very proud mommy (especially as I would describe her as a spirited child!!) I don't care about anything academic at this age but hearing how caring, loving and downright delightful she is warmed my heart ... and then I cried when her teacher expressed her sympathy for me!

Walking back from said parents evening I had to stop and just look at the sky. The sunset was the deepest, most beautiful pink. We suspected Emma was going to be a boy so I'd unpacked the baby boy things and a few neutrals but not much pink. I really felt the sunset was for her ... a pink sky for my 'lil girl and it made me smile rather than cry - which is a beautiful thing too.


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## SMR

going down the fast slides with Gwen was the highlight of my day..


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## JayJay

The last few days have been really quite nice actually. I had an anger fit on Tuesday and emailed my mother, who talked me through it, so that was good to get out.

But on Monday night we went out to celebrate our friend's 30th birthday at Mexican Village, which was lovely and very therapeutic! I had a nice big strawberry daquieri (is that how you spell it?) made with real strawberries - nice!

So Tuesday was my anger fit day but then Harry came home at lunchtime and I got it out to him as well, so that made me feel better and apparently it didn't bring him down, so that was good. The rest of the day was uneventful and we watched a movie with the kids, which was nice









Wednesday...well that wasn't so bad. I saw my midwife in the evening and we planned for her to come over for a nice meal next week. We had an AWESOME conversation about all sorts of things which I enjoyed greatly. I am healing so well physically that by next week I will be totally back to normal in the uterine area, as far as she is concerned - great news! I also saw my OB in the morning who raised her eyebrows at my shrinkage! She took out this one annoying dissolvable stitch that's been sticking out of the very far left of my incision (not causing infection - just sticking out). So then my body immediately closed itself up totally and I am so much happier without that stupid stitch there! If there are foreign objects in my body, I'd like to keep them hidden, thanks!

So I slept well last night, under the crystals I've hung from our bedroom ceiling - pink and clear quartz, for healing and love. We DTD too! Hehehe...it's really, for me, so healing to do that and to express the love like that, you know? Maybe that makes me a bit masculine, but it's how I feel - it's the most affection I can come up with, you know, and I know it makes Harry feel better as well and it affirms our love for one another in the most intimate terms.

Actually in some ways I'm glad we got back to it so quickly because then reproduction and everything associated with it did not become a fear to either one of us. For me, because of the view of my body after surgery, it might have become a fear issue otherwise - now it's not, it's a joy issue!

Alright here we go, since I'm on a tangent anyway - for some I guess lovemaking and sex become more inconvenient after kids I suppose - more of a "we'll squeeze one in here and there" and a kind of chore. As a younger woman it's suppose to be all exciting and then become boring the older we get and the more our bodies change... For me it's been the opposite - now, sex and making love are so much more powerful than before - there's an enormous connection there that I'd never felt as a younger woman between people. Okay, so I am in a great relationship with a lovely man - my awesome rock - but nevertheless, I really feel that it's all taken on a new meaning now. My midwife said I looked gorgeous last night with my mommy body and I really did feel it last night - I felt like a goddess of life looking at myself in the mirror - really awesome!

I also had a conversation with my ovaries and my eggs as separate little half individuals - feeling then as though I could still talk to my body, like I had when Josie was cuddled up in there. I told them to get ready because we were going on an adventure in a few months and that one of them at least would be getting fertilized. Call me nuts but I thought lovingly about them and as though they were a crowd of beings getting ready to be sparked into life - I stroked my tummy, willing everything to heal as though it had never been cut.

All of the above is, frankly, to me, beautiful







Hope you are all having good days today and if you're not, that your crying can resolve and you'll feel at peace for at least a little while, so that you can do something lovely for even fifteen minutes and keep your beautiful, worthy bodies above the surface of this water.

One day soon, we'll all be able to touch to bottom with our feet...


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## JayJay

The day before yesterday was a nice day! I got some painting done - wuhoo! I actually drew out a big canvas and I am very pleased with the drawing, so I am going to do the underpainting tomorrow.

Then yesterday, Saturday, we made a whole bunch of desserts - home made ice cream and cheesecake...mmm... In the evening, Harry and I went out and played some pool. People were so kind. Everyone wanted to see Josie, so I got to show her off and boy - that was nice actually. That was beautiful and it didn't make me sad at all - just beamingly proud, actually. We were talking about when we'd have another baby and got some cheeky comments about "practice" which was light hearted and pretty funny. Altogether it was a rather nice night.







X


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## JayJay

And today....it has to be the fact that Carly and Sam in Australia wrote Josie's name, and also Alauna's name in the sand over there and took pictures of both for us... They are such a lovely family - they have a blog called "To write their names in the sand" and do this for people who have lost their children. It's a lovely thing to do - here is the link to the photos:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/search?q=Josie+Jae

So that has to be today's beautiful thing. I am going to print the pictures out on photo paper and frame them, then put them on the wall. Beautiful!







XXX


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## JayJay

Okay! For yesterday it has to be hanging around with Aurora and getting some underpainting done on my canvas. I did about a quarter of the face and then actually finished an eye (2nd paint layer etc) as well. Aurora wanted to see what I was doing. So that not only went well but was fun too! I think I will do more today.

Plus I went outside and despite the frost, there was one little perfect snapdragon still standing and flowering. If it's still there today, I will take a picture









Hugs to all! XXX


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## SMR

I've been having a sappy past couple of days.. not sure if it's that today is 10 weeks - the first of the double digits? or the approaching holday stuff.. or what.. I've been working out nearly every day lately.. which is making me feel as good as possible - I kind of feel like I'm 'doing' something productive while waiting to TTC.. on sunday we took Gwen to see a stage show and she LOVED it!! That was pretty beautiful for sure!


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## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
I've been having a sappy past couple of days.. not sure if it's that today is 10 weeks - the first of the double digits? or the approaching holday stuff.. or what.. I've been working out nearly every day lately.. which is making me feel as good as possible - I kind of feel like I'm 'doing' something productive while waiting to TTC.. on sunday we took Gwen to see a stage show and she LOVED it!! That was pretty beautiful for sure!









We went to our first SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) meeting last night. Everyone else was months further down this journey than us and everyone said the first year milestones are all tough. Each one takes us further from our babies. Reaching double figures is a big deal









Anyway, my beautiful thing is going to the meeting. I mean I'm sad that there are enough of us to make a meeting a viable option but it's like the support I get here except DH gets it too. We didn't speak at the meeting but the two of us had a lovely long talk in the car on the way home. I like that we can talk so openly about Emma


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## SMR

Spending some time outside today.. mowing the lawn / mulching the leaves... by the end though, it was SOOOOOO cold!! It's like 28 degrees here.. and when the sun went down - BRR! But we got a good portion of our yard done (we have an acre and a TON OF trees! so its a huge job) So, that is my beauty of the day..
Oh, and I got a book from the library called Tear Soup.. I've been wanting to read it and it's a really great book. I'm not religous and even though there is a page that refers to got, it doesn't over do it.. I highly reccomend it!


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## JayJay

Yeah - this thread is going and going now!









Okay yesterday, we had a lovely meal with our midwife and had a great discussion about all sorts of things including cervix position during a cycle and how fascinating it is - ha ha - oh...poor Harry (I love 'im...)







But anyway, the meal was great and I served it all in dishes on the table, like one would in a posh household. That was fun.

Afterward Harry got to show off his homemade chocolate ice cream (he slaved over that) and got lots of compliments, which made his face beam and grin - lovely to see!

Didn't do too much else yesterday - I did accidentally fall asleep on the couch at 11am and didn't wake up until Harry got in for lunch at just after 12...oops. Ah, well.


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## Fireflyforever

Letting Dave sleep in this morning (cue virtuous wifely feelings!) and managing the school run all by myself for the first time since Emma's birth. Realising that I can do it - and not completely lose it on my return home.


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## JayJay

Fabulous Jill! That is a good thing. Baby steps sometimes, isn't it. I remember then I first did the school run by myself...I wore my winter coat zipped up and the hood up to hide myself and got out of there as quickly as I could. Now, I stick around and BS with the other mums about our silly kiddies again - feels like progress









I bought some pre-seed (woot woot - fun times!) and the book "Trying Again" today to prepare..well, pre-prepare for next time..heh! I also put up my easel and put my newest painting on there. And, I've been approved for two more weeks of leave thank God. So I don't have to panic and run around like a headless chicken trying to figure out how in the heck I am supposed to put in a full day at my job, yet.


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## JayJay

Okay, for yesterday the beautiful thing had to be the school conferences. Both kiddies are doing so well! Aurora is reading the Chronicles of Narnia and has memorized all of the vocabulary words for the entire year! I'm so glad and so proud of them, and also so relieved that they're not falling behind even with their sister's death.

We did find out that both are acting out a little though. Aurora is breaking pencils in half because she's mad because of Josie's death (we got to the bottom of that one)... So, they are going to have some extra support at school and they are going to talk to someone there too, which is good. I asked for that because I really want them to have the most support possible and to not have to keep anything in. So that is good. I'm relieved and happy that they're doing well, and now that they are going to get a little extra talking time.







X *hugs to all*


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## SMR

Great news Jayjay!

My something yesterday was that it SNOWED!! Shaun and I were out in the dark trying to finish up the leaves in the back yard just in case it snowed, and before we got out there it started! so, I made a few snowballs for Gwen - she loves to eat them, of course! And threw a few at Shaun!! Such fun.

And possibly for today.. I *think* I'm getting a real period! We'll see though, I've had a couple of spotty days, and thought it would start.. but this is a bit more blood than I've had so far.. funny to think starting your period is a beautiful thing.. but I'm really feeling anxious about starting to TTC again.. and I was starting to consider taking vitex, but then I thought, but if my body isn't READY for another pregnancy yet and I force it to get cycles back.. that might not be the best idea for another pregnancy. But anyway, I will feel happy if this is really it! Then I'll start charting for real and wo knows.. maybe even start trying next month!? God, it feels so wrong to e wanting to TRY already.. I shouldn't be even thinking about this for 2 YEARS! BAH!!


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## JayJay

Oh gosh Shannon - don't feel so guilty! Your heat will tell you when it's ready to conceive again and it may well not be two years! That's okay. We are going to try sooner as well. Really, we're going to be less careful after about three months. I'm so lucky - I've healed so well from the c section - no complications or excess pain..I haven't lost any feeling anywhere and my uterus is now back to normal in size, which I am so happy about!

Isn't it funny that you just pray for that period







- I just finished my first one and it was an odd one, but I'm temping and the temps are going back to normal, so I think we're going to be alright to probably stop using protection mid January or so. For me, having a brother or sister for Josie is going to help me heal in certain ways I couldn't heal otherwise - Josie being the product of my very first pregnancy. So therefore I am just kind of waiting until I am physically healed. I think it'll be okay. But you know, everyone's different!







Anyway *hugs* to you - we haven't had snow in weeks here! xxx


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## Fireflyforever

Hey lovely ladies ... went away over night and missed you. How sad is that? 24 hours away from my support network and I'm all antsy!

Anyway ... my night away with DH is my beautiful thing for today. We had our two older ones minded and headed off to a cottage by the sea, it's snowed and we snuggled up in front of a log fire with a bottle of wine,played cards, talked, cried, laughed and watched some daft DVDs together before getting a bit romantic (*sort of* - I'm still not done with lochia yet ... grr).

Shannon ...Yay for maybe period! I'm there with you on the TTC front. I wasn't even SUPPOSED to be TTC again. Em was going to complete our family and we may even have considered DH getting the snip. Now although I REALLY want a take home baby at last (after a m/c as well before Emma) I really feel ticked off a having to go through the whole TTC thing again but I do love being pregnant and I'm hoping that I can enjoy and appreciate another pregnancy, despite the anxiety that goes with carrying a rainbow child. Shannon, we'll be your cheer squad when TTC gets going in earnest









JayJay, glad you got to the bottom of Aurora's pencil breaking. It's hard watching our kids grieve isn't it? As hard as grieving for ourselves I think, but boy, are they profound. My 6 YO, Ben, has a deep little soul and has said some of the most comforting things to me in the midst of all of this and my 4YO, Lucy, has such an open and honest way with her grief. They (and their daddy) are my sanity right now.

Love to you all.


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## bodhicitta3

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amydawnsmommy* 









Facing death helps us to realize how beautiful life and every moment in it is and to cherish every moment we get to be alive.

There is so much truth to that.


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## Fireflyforever

P.S. Shannon ... I loved the Tear Soup extract on your blog ... beautiful.


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## SMR

The tear soup book is really great! I cried a lot while reading it! I'm going to buy a copy for my local library - they had to get it from another libarary so I could read it. It turns out the one I got was donated in memory of someone, there was a sticker inside saying so... so I'm going to donate one for Dresden to the library!









So today.. hmm We finally finished the leaves which was great fun! I'm REALLY having a period! This is the 3rd day.. and it's pretty major bleeding - so it's really here!! YIKES! I'm still a little torn about TTC.. I think more of me just wants to go for it!! We all know how terribly looooooong 9 months is! And for us, we're doubling that plus adding months in between!

Jill, i'm glad you and your hubby got away for a romantic evening!

I'm so glad I'll have all you guys TTC around the same time - we can all be there for each other!! YAY! I don't think I'll even go near the regular TTC or due date boards.. I want to be able to be pessimistic with people who understand and won't get scared when I want to talk doom and gloom! haha


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## mountainmummy

Hey all.
I know I am not a big poster here, and am just re-discovering this forum after being away for a while. But I have to say your strength, and your ability to see the sun on the cloudiest day, and share your gratitudes here bring me to tears. I lost my daughter (full term, cord accident) last September, and I still struggle with much bitterness, anger, jealousy and hurt. I feel hope from reading your posts, and a bit ashamed that I'm not where many of you seem to be.







. I hope to be a bigger part of this section, as I am expecting again in May, and want to be positive and hopeful through this pregnancy, not filled with dread and anxiety. Thank you for this beautiful thread. And my heart goes out to all of you who aren't holding your precious babies.
Steph


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## JayJay

Welcome, Mountainmummy







May you find healing here *hugs*

Today's beautiful thing has to be the little dusting of snow we got last night...very light and ethereal...cold, but beautiful!

Yesterday I had a good day after an upset day on Saturday that ended in a wonderful conversation between myself and Harry, which stretched far into the night (2.45am actually) and was so great. On Saturday we had a fire and a few people over, and ate a wonderful meal at our friend's house - mmm!

Who knows what tomorrow may bring... I am hoping, inspiration and further painting. I'll hook the laptop up to the surround sound system and play some music and we'll see what happens.

Oh - also I had a nice lunch today with my good friend and her totally adorable 18 month old son (gosh he's cute - running around like a crazy little monkey - I've known him since she was five months pregnant!).

Plus I am also thinking more and more about conceiving again. My c section scar feels actually quite soft these last few days. I am in awe of the healing power of my own body!







*hugs* to everyone and I hope you all have a very lovely day tomorrow







XXX


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## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mountainmummy* 
Hey all.
I know I am not a big poster here, and am just re-discovering this forum after being away for a while. But I have to say your strength, and your ability to see the sun on the cloudiest day, and share your gratitudes here bring me to tears. I lost my daughter (full term, cord accident) last September, and I still struggle with much bitterness, anger, jealousy and hurt. I feel hope from reading your posts, and a bit ashamed that I'm not where many of you seem to be.







. I hope to be a bigger part of this section, as I am expecting again in May, and want to be positive and hopeful through this pregnancy, not filled with dread and anxiety. Thank you for this beautiful thread. And my heart goes out to all of you who aren't holding your precious babies.
Steph

Hello Steph ... welcome and







: & positive thoughts for your new little hope.

Just so you know ... I'm not always the person I am on this thread. I have days (like today) when I am filled with rage and resentment - when I actually scare myself with how much anger is inside. When I cannot imagine feeling whole again. A wise babyloss mama explained to me in the very earliest days that grief is a wheel ... we don't necessarily go through all the emotions in any specific order and they can come round again and again.

It's just that I do WANT to heal from this someday and posting on here is one of the ways I try to affirm that. It's not always easy but I usually feel better just simply for making the effort. For me, this is what Deborah Davis (In "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart") calls "griefwork" - and sometimes it is VERY HARD work.

Anyway, it's early today so beautiful thing for yesterday:

DH wrote a beautiful poem for Emma, which I might share in the poems thread, if he lets me. It made me cry but I so pleased he showed it to me.

A gentle day to you all, ladies.


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## SMR

It's early today .. but I ordered some of those silicone bands with Dresden's name and footprint on them.. and seeing those, and how lovely they turned out was pretty beautiful!









Yesterday was a beautiful cleaning day.. then dh and I worked out together which was so much fun! His parents watched Gwen while we went to the rec center.. and they had two pie pumpkins on the porch, that have been there for a couple months.. they were covered with frost last night and looked sparkly and truly beautiful!

and like Jay... the thought of TTC is huge in my mind right now. I'm trying to make the 'right' choice... I just keep feeling like if I try in December - I'm GETTING pregnant - for sure! That thought is scaring me a bit..

And welcome Steph! I hope you find some peace here.. I think what helps me most is reading other families stories..and knowing that even though things are fresh right now, that life can get better.. and I can hold Dresden's memory with me for the rest of my life!


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## Fireflyforever

Okay, so after my post this morning, I've worked hard to make today beautiful.

We had Emma's name written in the sand here:

http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com

Thanks for the link JayJay. I saw Josie's too. It's a beautiful tribute isn't it?

Also, I started piano lessons again. My DH started teaching me back in 2000 but then life and kids got in the way of practising (oops) and I let it slide. So, today was my first lesson. I'm going to have way too much time on my hands when DH goes back to work. I'm a SAHM but my 2 eldest are at school and pre-school. I'd hoped and expected to have my mornings taken up with a newborn so need to find productive things to fill that time.

In the new year, I'm planning to volunteer at DD's nursery one morning a week, I want to spend time putting together a memory box for Emma and now, I have piano practice. Being able to plan for the future a little is beautiful ... and, yup, TTC is on my list too!


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## Fireflyforever

Okay, so I guess there isn't much action here with it being a big holiday for you all. Me, being British, it's just same old. I hope the celebrations have been gentle and healing rather than fraught for you all.

So, it's been a mixed couple of days here. Yesterday was HARD. I agreed to go as a parent helper on a school trip to the theatre with my 2 children. I went with the nursery children (my 4 YO's class) but the Year 1 teacher (my 6 YO) was really kind and basically bent the rules so that Ben could sit with us during the play ... so I had my 2 snuggled up with me watching the play. It was Lucy's fist time at the theatre and it was magical to see the expressions on their 2 faces. SO wonderful.

It was bittersweet though (as so much since Emma is) as I realised that the only reason I could accompany them was because Emma never made it earthside







Plus another parent helper was at least 9 months pregnant with the most enormous bump ever (but I kept my medusa head firmly under wraps - aren't I a good girl!?)

Today has been lovely, kids had a day off for teacher training so I got a lie in. Sleep is always a beautiful thing and 6 year old Ben lost his first tooth - it fell out into his LEGO - cue a frantic family scramble through the LEGO sets







:. Speaking of which, I'd better go and be the tooth fairy


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## JayJay

Oh! Aurora lost her second and final front tooth yesterday before the thanksgiving meal!









That food was beautiful.... So nice. Today, too! And I expect...forever after until the turkey gets done...

I went to visit Josie yesterday to say happy thanksgiving. I'm not sure why, because her spirit isn't there. Perhaps I just had to go somewhere to be alone for a while... I'm not sure. Anyway, there was a collection of beautiful Shaker hymns on the public radio, playing when I was sitting there by her grave - on the car radio. After a while, it got too cold and I got back in the car and sat for a little bit. There was this one hymn about all the sorrows ending and mankind being born into the light...such a fitting tune. The singers singing it acapella, under the starlit sky...

I opened up the window on the passenger side and played it out onto all the little children who had been buried in the baby section of the graveyard... Turned the radio up and just sat there until the set of hymns was done, and then drove slowly and quietly back to town. That was beautiful. Very poignant, but beautiful nonetheless.

I will come back later and write more









*HUGS to everyone* Happy Thanksgiving...may you all be surrounded by love. XXX


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## Authentic_Mother

My beautiful moment for the day:

Our daughter who is only 4 told a stranger today that "Jesus took our baby. But don't you worry! Cause we are going to be angels one day and when we are angels we are going to hold our baby, and rock it and sing lullabyes."

It made me cry of course - but still was beautiful and touching...


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## SMR

My beautiful today was putting up the christmas tree.. and esp. putting Dresden's lovely knit stocking made by Amy! As we put his special ornaments on the tree I thought of all of our babies.. they should be here with us right now.
We also took gwen to see Santa at the magic forest! She LOVED it! And it was even more beautiful because he event is a fundraiser for a local food bank!


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## JayJay

Ah! Yesterday...

Watching Aurora ad Devin skate about and fall all over the place on the ice at Walnut Lake - ahah! They so wanted to go out on the ice and it turned out to be thick enough, so off they went, dancing around and being generally silly until they'd fallen over about 30 times each (at least) and got cold. Then, they got back in the car, and as soon as they had warmed up, promptly wanted to go to another lake and do it all over again...

Also we went to see the Jolly Green Giant have his red winter scarf put on by Santa. The kids got to see Santa and sit on his knee, which Aurora promptly did, and asked for Barbies for Christmas. Devin on the other hand bypassed Santa and went straight for the box of candy canes. He did NOT want to sit on Santa's knee (he never does...lol). I don't think Santa could attract Devin to his knee with anything less than a piece of bacon!

Today it snowed overnight and now we have a lovely covering outside. The kids are playing and it's so much nicer and prettier than dank, dark, rainy, wetness we had before. I am going outside in a minute to help Harry clean the garage - but for now I will sit here and finish my coffee...







*hugs* XX


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## SMR

This is kind of coming from jay's other post about feeling Josies presences around her..
I have used a pendulum for a long time.. it's NEVER right answers! EXCEPT for when I hold it over a wrist.. it tells what sex your baby will be. I've only been wrong on one person and I've done it (just for fun) to lots and lots of people! Now, I have Dresden's ashes in a cobalt vile around my neck. I've been using it as my 'pendulum' since nothing can be more special to me.. since he died, I keep holding it over my wrist to see what it says.. I used to show girl, boy, girl.. now it's girl, boy, boy, girl, boy - which was very shocking to me, cause i pretty much told shaun that if we have another boy next that we will probably be DONE! We'll have to see how stressful it is to be pregnant with a subsequent babe. ANYWAY.. I was holding it the other day and asked if Dresden was with me.. and it showed yes, then I asked some other questions and then I asked if Dresden could hug me... YES.. and I SWEAR I felt something so happy, I felt like i was glowing from happinenss and warmth! I really felt like he was there! Perhaps wishful thinking? who knows?! I'm not the most spiritual person.. I have my beliefs, none very solid.. but I do believe that a soul lives on (and perhaps comes back to another life) Anyway, I just wanted to share that.. It was beautiful to me.. even if it was all in my head!? BUT I like to think that it wasn't..


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## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
My beautiful moment for the day:

Our daughter who is only 4 told a stranger today that "Jesus took our baby. But don't you worry! Cause we are going to be angels one day and when we are angels we are going to hold our baby, and rock it and sing lullabyes."

It made me cry of course - but still was beautiful and touching...

That is so, so beautiful.


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## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
This is kind of coming from jay's other post about feeling Josies presences around her..
I have used a pendulum for a long time.. it's NEVER right answers! EXCEPT for when I hold it over a wrist.. it tells what sex your baby will be. I've only been wrong on one person and I've done it (just for fun) to lots and lots of people! Now, I have Dresden's ashes in a cobalt vile around my neck. I've been using it as my 'pendulum' since nothing can be more special to me.. since he died, I keep holding it over my wrist to see what it says.. I used to show girl, boy, girl.. now it's girl, boy, boy, girl, boy - which was very shocking to me, cause i pretty much told shaun that if we have another boy next that we will probably be DONE! We'll have to see how stressful it is to be pregnant with a subsequent babe. ANYWAY.. I was holding it the other day and asked if Dresden was with me.. and it showed yes, then I asked some other questions and then I asked if Dresden could hug me... YES.. and I SWEAR I felt something so happy, I felt like i was glowing from happinenss and warmth! I really felt like he was there! Perhaps wishful thinking? who knows?! I'm not the most spiritual person.. I have my beliefs, none very solid.. but I do believe that a soul lives on (and perhaps comes back to another life) Anyway, I just wanted to share that.. It was beautiful to me.. even if it was all in my head!? BUT I like to think that it wasn't..









I don't thing it was in your head Shannon ... I think your little man came to give his mama a hug ... I got goosebumps just reading it. How beautiful and wonderful and precious.

My beautiful thing was standing in the garden and looking at the beautiful frost. Each blade of grass was twinkling and the sky was clear and the stars were out. A perfect winter's night.


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## Fireflyforever

Todays something beautiful is:

I feel happy for absolutely no discernible reason other than I am! I have been happy since Emma died (genuinely) but usually it's a response to something specific triggering good emotions. Otherwise I have tended to veer between angry and tearful or melancholy peacefulness, usually settling on mainly numb inbetween!

So it's nice to realise that happiness is still a part of me too.


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## JayJay

Yesterday's beautiful thing is...I painted the kitchen! It looks so nice! Actually, painting a large portion of wall was so therapeutic - I did enjoy the big brush strokes. So it looks lovely, and I could surprise Harry when he came home!

Today I might actually do the bathroom... There were several rooms (umm...all of them really) that we wanted to change, and we've been working on the kitchen for some time. The bathroom floor is okay...but the walls are diabolical and I've always cringed each time I've walked in there...heh. So yep, today might be bathroom day.

So there we are! *HUGS to all*! XXX


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## Fireflyforever

It's snowing ... proper deep snowfall. So much so DS's school was closed so we've all 4 of us been home and snuggly. We have a very fine snowalien in the garden with flowerpots for ears ... that's all beautiful









(but am missing my littlest girl a LOT today







)


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## JayJay

Beautiful thing: I ovulated! I had a nice temp shift







Oh, I am so proud of my body!

Unnerving thing (well beautiful too): we BD'ed at the right time for conception, twice, by accident. So now I'd better wait about 1.5 weeks and then test...


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## SMR

Oh boy Jay!! I'm not sure what my body is doing! I'm on day 13 of my cycle and spotting a bit.. I have not ovulated yet - but normal for me could be ovulation anytime between 13-30 days! Soooooo the spotting is strange..

Yesterday's beautiful thing was going to an indoor playscape and chatting with some other mommas.. and of course sliding down slides!









I'm missing my little guy today lots too Jill.. I think it's because I just got an email with pictures welcoming my friends baby girl.. and the mention that now their son is a 'big brother' kind of crushed me.. I still feel like Gwen is a big sister.. but I wish she was a big sister to a living babe.


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## JayJay

Don't despair! We will have our rainbow babies. They won't replace our lost babes, but they will bring us so much joy...just think of that day! I do all the time, and it keeps me uplifted and taking care of myself when I'd rather not do anything at all.

You should post a chart Shannon, so we can all ogle it nosily







*hugs to ya, and hugs to Jill* XXXX


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## JayJay

Beautiful thing for yesterday (I think, again!):

Harry and I had a good conversation about all sorts of things - it was great. I really do love a good conversation. The only thing that really compares (that's readily accessible to me some times of year) is sitting on a dock, in the sunshine, in the summer with a tank top on, fishing with my family.

We chatted a lot, about creation, the ways our perceptions of "God" or "Goddess" differ, how we're dealing with the grief we feel, giant meteorite craters, silly songs, friends, all sorts of things. I read a bit before bed, but after that conversation I think Harry slept really well, which is good, because lately he's been hitting the anger stage of grief - after I have - and he's been really consumed in angry feelings. This morning the most beautiful thing was he was peaceful as an angel getting out of bed, which is totally unlike him lately! He was positive and quite genuinely cheerful, so maybe the conversation helped him make sense of some of his feelings. I love him so much - I hate to see him so cut up, you know?

Anyhow so that's that! It's a gorgeous snow-covered day here! *hugs to all*


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## Fireflyforever

So beautiful things for yesterday (I always seem to be a day behind!!)

I am feeling very poorly - I have a raging sore throat, nasty cough and I'm very shivery and feverish







:. I look dreadful too. This is NOT beautiful LOL. However, Lucy (who is also poorly too) and I were snuggling in bed yesterday and she hugged me tight, rubbed my nose with hers and said, "You're so beautiful mummy".









Also, this poem came to me yesterday - I mean it literally just seemed to be there in my head. Don't know if it's any good but heyho! I'm putting it here rather than the poems thread because that was intended to remember our forever children and this poem is about their rainbow siblings. It was inspired by a conversation here. So, fellow chasers of rainbows







, I dedicate this to you:

*The Glass Baby*

I wake one morning
Aware of molten glass
Pouring into me.
It burns and the pain makes me cry.
But my tears don't cool the fire
So I grit my teeth and reach down.
I pull and push until a shape is formed -
A tiny glass child.
I look at my hands, burnt and bloodstained,
And I fold them over my belly
To protect the fragile life within.
IT ISN'T ENOUGH.
Until suddenly, my little glass boy floats.
I look inside and see his sister.
She is rocking him and crying tears of joy.
Her tears surround him in a warm, wet bath.
He floats, protected and happy,
My tiny man.
Her tears reflect in the glass of his limbs
And Rainbows burst from my womb.
Her tears, my broken hands, his rainbow
Surround him on our journey
'Til he bursts forth in a gush of her tears and my blood.
I recognise his newborn cry
As a call of goodbye to his womb mate
His newborn limbs flailing a wave
To his loving sister,
Who smiles and kisses his head,
Before wrapping herself in our rainbows
And tucking herself back into my heart.


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## JayJay

That is beautiful Jill! Can I print it out and put it on the wall?

*HUGE HUGS* XXXX


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## Carlyle

I must confess to lurking on here--but I had to come out of lurkdom to say that your poem is stunningly beautiful Jill.


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## SMR

Jill, that poem IS so so beautiful! Thank you for sharing.


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## Fireflyforever

Thank you. Glad you all liked it.

JayJay, of course you can print it out and put it up ... anything that helps


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## JayJay

Thanks Jill!









Okay yesterday I had a good day! I felt pretty normal. I baked cookies (I've been promising to do that for weeks lol). Harry made to-die-for pork chops and we watched Kill Bill and Kill Bill Vol. 2 in the evening - Harry'd never seen them. Ah - and ate Foccacia bread with spinach dip







mmmmm...

So yesterday was good. I felt actually quite festive. I'm glad - it's awesome! Josie loks at us from the wall and more and more, I feel sooo so so positive about having another baby next year - we actually drank to that the other day.

And Harry continues to deal with his emotions so well (I am so proud of him). He went to see a lovely gay couple we know and poured his heart out and said he felt so much better - gosh - good for him! I am so glad he is no longer afraid to do that. I'm seeing that old twinkle coming back to his eye - I missed that twinkle - WELCOME BACK, beautiful twinkle!
















*hugs*


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## namaste_mom

Jill - that is a wonderful poem!

I am so impressed that you all have kept this thread going

Of course...you all know what I am thankful for....

But, somewhere I have to put this. Why is it that the angels in our signatures have smiley faces. I took me almost 10 months to use one of them because I did want to be happy about my babies passing. Now, I can use them, and I hope they are peaceful and happy playing with all of the other lost babies, but, at first it is so difficult to see a smiling angel.


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## JayJay

I used a smiling angel because I really wanted to continue the joy I'd felt being pregnant with Josie. I mean, it hurt to express joy at first, but I wanted that continuity - that joy not to die, at having conceived her and made such a gorgeous little girl. Does that make sense? i didn't want that part of the experience to die...and it hasn't


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## SMR

whoa, i'm oblivious! I never noticed that those angels were smiling! DUH! I agree..it is kind of strange.. but I suppose our babies (where ever they are) are not sad.. so perhaps a smile IS the right expression?


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## lemurmommies

I am sure that my little Noelle is happy, wherever she is (we're not particularly religious, but I know that her spirit definitely lives on somewhere.) She knows we miss her, but also that she's oh so loved. So for me, the smiling angel seems very fitting.

My beautiful thing from yesterday is that we were at a craft show and found a lovely painted tin ornament for our Christmas tree to represent Noelle being close to us during this Christmas season. It's an angel wearing a lovely pink and white dress. Although I miss her being inside me so so much, it makes me happy to see that ornament on our tree.


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## JayJay

Okay, today I have to put down that the beautiful thing was the way my spaghetti turned out: not burnt to a crisp. Like last time. That wasn't a good turnout for a double batch of spaghetti sauce...


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## SMR

I'll go with a food related thing too! I made pinto beans and cornbread! AND IT WAS SOOOOOOO GOOD! I don't usually like beans a whole lot (even though I'm a vegetarian! haha) it's a texture issue.. love em blended, just not whole. But today, the whole ones were so tasty! Then even though I've got a bit of a cold.. I still worked out! AND feel better after!









Today marks 3 months without Dresden.. it sucks, but over all the day has not been too bad, so I suppose that is beautiful too.

And another possibly beautiful thing is that my cervix seems to be moving on up! No other fertility signs, but at least it's something.


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## namaste_mom

Wow, I think you guys are in a better place than I was at 1 or 2 or even 3 months past Norah's death. I'm so happy to see that healing is occurring. I wanted my little angels to be happy but I didn't want to see the smiling faces...because I didn't want to smile for a long time. It took me a while to laugh and not feel guilty.

Keep up the positive vibes...


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## JayJay

Thanks Namaste/D







*hugs*

We are healing so well, I know - I think it's because we kind of had this happen to us at a time when there were quite a few other people here on MDC who were positive and wanted to heal, so that helps. There are some places online where the emphasis is totally on depression and that is not good at all for healing purposes, or where people say "you will never heal" - which I find so negative and debilitating. I think that we _can_ all heal - we will be different people, sure, but we can heal and have scars instead of wounds. Why not? That's not betraying the memory of our little ones, is it? If we had little girls and they grew up and had this happen, would we want them to lay down and die...never be happy again? I think not...

See I've always had an enormous problem (*winks*) - I just won't die. Sure, that's annoyed a few people (but they weren't very good people) but it's pretty advantageous for me! There's too much to see in life - too much to do - too many family members to love unconditionally. Too many cookies to bake; breads to make; paintings to paint; letters to write; places to explore; cake to eat; tea to drink....etc etc.

Last but not least, there are more babies to have. There are more little buds in me that need to come out and have the light shone on their faces. They will come, and I'd better be ready to love them as much as I love Josie! Sure there will be hard times, times in life where not all the shapes will shine, but on the other hand if I were to just give up, what would I be missing in the future? So many wonderful events.

I think (and I thought of this last night) that if the deaths of our babies changed our lives into tragic places in the blink of an eye...so profoundly changed, then there is an enormous chance of other events happening that have the opposite effect, again, in the blink of an eye. Maybe that'll be the day we hold our rainbow babies...the proof that miracles still do happen and continue to happen, even after the worst has happened.

I am blogging now by the way - I think it should be fun to blog, though I have no idea what I can offer apart from one woman's perspective (an annoyingly positive one I expect) on life after death, as it were. But hey ho - about a million people have said I should at least be keeping a journal, so I guess, why not online?

Anyway - oh man Namaste/D - I cannot wait to read Maya's brith story....I would so love to see her picture! I bet everyone on here feels the same. I don't want to bug you though because you obviously need to spend the maximum amount of time possible with your gorgeous new daughter!

Anyhow I will go now and work on my blog a bit and we'll see what today brings.

*HUGE hugs to everyone* XXXX


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## Fireflyforever

*lemurmommies* Your tree ornament sounds gorgeous. I'm looking forward to picking out something for Emma for our tree too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
Today marks 3 months without Dresden.. it sucks, but over all the day has not been too bad, so I suppose that is beautiful too.

And another possibly beautiful thing is that my cervix seems to be moving on up! No other fertility signs, but at least it's something.









for today, Shannon ... I'm pleased it has been a sort of gentle one.

Beautiful thing for me today: Well, we had our pre-conception chat with my consultant (I've posted most of that in the TTC thread so won't repeat) but the most positive thing was how it affected DH. I know he's been less certain than me about TTC again - he wants to but is more (openly!) scared than me. After the appointment, we had a long chat about the timing and so on and we talked about anxieties. DH has said that when we get a BFP he will be just as thrilled as he was the last 4 times. I'm relieved - I've been the "positive" one in all 3 (4 if you count our extremely short pregnancy last Sept) of our pregnancies and I was concerned that it would be too much of a burden with a subsequent one. I intend to try and stay as positive as possible next time around but don't expect it to be the easy enthusiasm of the past (although I know we will help each other out there







).

Knowing DH wants to treat our next pregnancy with as much positivity as possible is beautiful









P.S. JayJay ... where can we find your blog? I'm excited to read it!


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## lemurmommies

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
*lemurmommies* Your tree ornament sounds gorgeous. I'm looking forward to picking out something for Emma for our tree too.

Thanks! Even though it kind of makes me sad to see it on the tree since it is a reminder that I won't be pregnant at Christmas this year, it makes me happy to feel that Noelle is so close to us in spirit right now.

My beautiful thing for the day was friends of ours stopping in to visit, just to make sure we were doing okay. And chatting about all kinds of things, Noelle and not Noelle. It made me feel a little more normal.


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## SMR

my beautiful thing for today.. I have mucus!! hehee YAY for fertility signs! It seems that ovulation will be coming soon!


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## SMR

I'm excited to see your blog too Jayjay!

And Jill, so glad that your appt went well!! So are you going to TTC in early 09? I hope we're all pregnant together.. we'll need all the positive support we can get! AND sorry, but no one who hasn't been through what we have is gonna be able to help!


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## JayJay

OK, my blog address is: http://opusangara.blogspot.com/

It's only in the baby stages - the very first post is there though! And the next one is going to be familiar as well (though not the same version I wrote here). I'm getting the hang of it though - this blogging malarky, and I have photoshopped all the graphic work myself and had tons of fun doing it today, so that has to be my beautiful thing for the day - being creative with the graphics on my blog







*HUGS* XXX


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## namaste_mom

I put Maya's birth story on the thread with her announcement in the PAL section. It is post 37. Warning: only read if you are ready for happy news.


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## SMR

namaste - I think that all of us mommas of lost babes are ready for happy news.. ESP. (and maybe even ONLY) when it's another of our own!







It gives us hope that we can be there too!


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## Vespertina

Today and around this very time is when I *knew* Duncan was no longer with us. I miss him so much, but I know he's still with us.

Beautiful thing today, rum balls turned out very yummy and it looks like my tattoos are healing, finally. That's a whole 'nother ordeal. At first I was upset at the ink loss in certain areas, but now I'm pretty indifferent about it now. The tattoos are thematically consistent with the experience -- leaving forever scars. I considered getting them retouched if there wasn't any scar tissue, but I'm not so sure now. I might just leave them as they are.


----------



## lemurmommies

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Semper Gumby* 
Beautiful thing today, rum balls turned out very yummy and it looks like my tattoos are healing, finally. That's a whole 'nother ordeal. At first I was upset at the ink loss in certain areas, but now I'm pretty indifferent about it now. The tattoos are thematically consistent with the experience -- leaving forever scars. I considered getting them retouched if there wasn't any scar tissue, but I'm not so sure now. I might just leave them as they are.

Interesting musings about your tattoos. Leaving forever scars... I can totally see why you would choose not to get them retouched. You'll have to tell us what you end up deciding in the long run.

For me, DP and I and E, along with a few friends, went on a little shopping trip tonight. The intended purpose was to get some holiday shopping done, but it had the added bonus that my mind was occupied with something else exactly a week after I was delivering Noelle. And I was able to look at newborn outfits in Old Navy (while looking for Christmas PJs for E) without crying. Wherever Noelle is right now, she's perfectly warm and happy. She has no need for clothes, and that's okay.


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## Fireflyforever

Beautiful thing yesterday:

Going to the nativity play at DS's school. I'm always a bit of a drip at these things but all my emotions are so close to the surface at the moment. I was a complete liability yesterday. 60 sweet little 6 year olds lisping "Away in a Manger" ... awww. And my little man - who was a narrator - had learned a big long sentence which he read beautifully into the microphone.







V.V.V. proud mummy moment.


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## namaste_mom

Jay -
I tried to post a picture as a direct link out of photobucket but an error came up and said that I didn't have permission to do so. I have done it that way in the past when I posted as picture of Norah. now, I don't know how to do it.


----------



## lemurmommies

My beautiful thing for today is that we're having my very favourite pizza for supper tonight. For a great local restaurant with lots of garlic and other delicious toppings. Yummy food to soothe the soul.


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## JayJay

Pizza sounds nice! My beautiful thing for today is the amount of cleaning I've done









I am also about to start baking cookies. I always have to make them in mega batches because they disappear so quickly lol









My brother and sister are coming tomorrow from England - I have to collect them at about 1pm at the airport - weeee!

And namaste - hmmm....I don't know...I just posted links to photobucket not long ago and they did work. Could it be your permissions on photobucket? I dunno...hmmm... Anyway I hope it works soon - but no sweat - you have your lovely babe to cuddle and if you don't have time to tinker right now it's totally fine and understandable *hugs*









*HUGE hugs* to everyone! XXXX


----------



## Vespertina

The steroids are working so my feet aren't so swollen and huge anymore. I can see my ankle bone! LOL. Still waiting to see how much ink loss there will be once the scabs are gone. I'm glad that's being resolved.

I'm not sure if it's a beautiful thing, but I've been munching on cookie dough today and it is yummy.


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## Fireflyforever

Okay. I've not managed to post here for a couple of days but ... deep breath... there are still beautiful things in my world and I want to acknowledge them:

Firstly, my sister bought tree ornaments for the kids - all 3 of my children. They are little bears - the girls' bears are dressed as angels, my son's is a little drummer. They are personalised - so, so sweet. To have someone else acknowledge Emma as equal to and as important as her brother and sister, and to see her name when I look at the tree ... that's beautiful.

Secondly, and it will sound a bit sappy, but my other beautiful thing is YOU ALL







: I genuinely don't know where I would be on this journey without the support of people who know how it is and offer such love and support. Thank you all very much for showing me beauty when the world seems so ugly.


----------



## lemurmommies

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Firstly, my sister bought tree ornaments for the kids - all 3 of my children. They are little bears - the girls' bears are dressed as angels, my son's is a little drummer. They are personalised - so, so sweet. To have someone else acknowledge Emma as equal to and as important as her brother and sister, and to see her name when I look at the tree ... that's beautiful.

That's so great!







I love seeing my Noelle's ornaments on the tree. I hope that Emma's ornament brings you a lot of joy too.


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## SMR

Jill,
I am grateful for all of you too! Seriously, where would any of us be without the love and support from all of our 'sisters' here. I find that even when I'm feeling down.. i think about all of you, and know that I'm not going through this alone.. it makes me feel better, ya know? It sucks that we had to meet each other this way, but I feel lucky (if we can feel luck after what's happened to us) that I'm on this journey with such amazing wonderful women!

my beautiful for today - we went out for sushi with a couple of friends for christmas.. and it WAS AMAZING!! We had two big boats brought to our table.. full of tasty things!! We had good conversation and good laughs!


----------



## JayJay

My beautiful thing for yesterday was that my brother and sister got here safely from England. We collected them at about 1.30 or so from MSP and they brought so many lovely Christmas things - and Maltezers, which Harry LOVES









And today, it has to be you gals as well - my heart just swells up with pride and love when I think of you all *glowing thoughts*







XXXXXX

*HUGE hugs* - XXXX


----------



## Fireflyforever

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
My beautiful thing for yesterday was that my brother and sister got here safely from England. We collected them at about 1.30 or so from MSP and they brought so many lovely Christmas things - and Maltezers, which Harry LOVES









*HUGE hugs* - XXXX























mmmm Maltesers ... yum yum









Today's beautiful thing ... my DD has gone off to her nursery Christmas party. She is SOOO excited at the thought of meeting Santa and Operation Getting Dressed has just been completed. She looks so sweet in her party dress and her hair in pigtails with snowmen bobbles that her grandma bought her.

Her name, Lucy, means light and someone said the other day how she and her brother are my lights in this dark place. They were right (although I should have added that their gorgeous daddy is too!)


----------



## lemurmommies

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
She looks so sweet in her party dress and her hair in pigtails with snowmen bobbles that her grandma bought her.

I'm sure she looked beautiful!

As odd as it may sound, my beautiful thing for yesterday is that it only took half an hour to get E to bed for the night. Since the upheaval of our trip to OK and then Noelle's loss, his schedule has been all messed up and sleep has been terrible. But last night was a little better than the night before!


----------



## SMR

for me.. SNOW! lots and lots of beautiful snow! Can't wait to go sledding! Of course, sledding isn't something I should be able to do right now.. not exactly newborn friendly, is it


----------



## JayJay

Oh the snow - the snow! WOW - we got dumped on and it's like a winter wonderland out there. I am in MN and normally, snow is just another symptom of winter, but this is a LOT of snow and my bro and sis haven't seen this much in years. Actually I think Fred was a tiny baby last time it snowed anywhere near this much in England (well, the part we lived in). I've been shoveling since 7.30am and it's exhilarating!

So that's my beautiful thing so far. Yesterday it was that I might have a job in art...that would be awesome but it's still in the works..if and when I get an update on that, you guys will be the first (well probably the second if Harry's there lol) to know! *HUGS everyone!* xxXX


----------



## lemurmommies

We're getting a ton of snow right now too! The weather station is calling it Snowmageddon! It's really beautiful, and my wife is off with me for the next three days, so we just got to watch the snow fall, shovel a lot, and drink hot cocoa. It's the perfect lead up to Christmas.

I'm also feeling really really happy about our choice of name for Noelle. I think it'll make the holidays (and her birthday) feel extra special every year.


----------



## JayJay

Today's beautiful thing had to be well..for one, getting back from the next town safely in this crazy storm we're having. And then the happiness and bright eyes of my brother and sister at all the snow - more than they had ever seen in their lives!







They were jumping around in it, falling down the drifts and sledding in negative degrees and just loving it - and they're 17 and 21! Funneh...









*HUGS* XXX


----------



## JayJay

Yesterday's... Oh a day of fun! Went out for a family meal to Taco Bell (total junk food but what the heck!) and laughed so hard I thought we were gonna get thrown out! Oh and plus...we went Christmas shopping to Wal Mart and I got some proper OPK's...

...on the way out they set off the security alarm and we had this kid come and help us out..he didn't have a clue what it could be so we were walking all our stuff in bags back to and fro through the security sensors, when finally I got it and waved it in the air and said "THIS!". Oh..so funny.
















*HUGE hugs* XXX


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## SMR

mucus! It's as beautiful as it gets for me right now!







haha


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## lemurmommies

My beautiful thing from yesterday is that it didn't snow! After so many days of shoveling, it was nice to get a break. That said, it's supposed to snow again today and tomorrow...


----------



## Fireflyforever

Missed a few days ... what with Christmas and everything.

Well ... the fact the Christmas Day was still very special and beautiful and significant is beautiful. I was dreading it and the day itself was actually lovely - thanks to my amazing family.

Since then ... playing with all the new toys has been so much fun







My two are old enough to enjoy board games so we've had lots of lovely family time, playing games, doing crafty projects and such.


----------



## JayJay

Christmas day was actually pretty cheerful, because my brother and sister were over from the UK and we had a lot of fun! Good food was had by all - some of it's still left (we really should eat that lol!), and the sibs brought over a Christmas pudding and a Christmas cake from England, both of which were just loooovely!

We had a few games of scrabble as well, which was fun. Then over the weekend Harry and I went up to stay with his sister and bring my brother and sister back to the airport. That was a sad goodbye, but my beautiful thing for this whole time has to be that they made it back in one piece bearing gifts and Christmas cookies home to my family in England...









*HUGE hugs* to all this holiday season. XXXX


----------



## JayJay

I am bumping this thread...it might give hope again to some people


----------



## Fireflyforever

Yay ... it's back









I was just thinking about this the other day.


----------



## MommaSomeday

This... this is a wonderful thread.







Thanks for bringing it back, Jay!


----------



## SMR

I just read that my beautiful thing on December 23rd was mucus! That's the day I concieved lil Delaney!!







YAAAAY!







:







:


----------



## AbbeyWH

wow! i am so glad this got revived! i really needed it today







i find myself slipping into some melancholy about different things (friends have disappeared after the loss and i don't know how i want to handle the delivery of this rainbow baby...







: i get there) which feels so stupid after losing Milos how could anything get me down? So i am happy to have a daily reminder here and i'll think i'll make this a new morning plan for my journal... a gratitude list and a beautiful observation.
Today: my acupuncturist listened to my pulses and said the baby sounded good


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## Jules09

What a great idea for a thread, thanks Jay! I think you read my mind with this. A couple of days ago I was thinking that there must be something beautiful to be seen every day, so I started a photo blog and have been choosing my favourite photo from each day, just to remind myself of the joy in the world. If anyone's interested, here's the link: http://anewdayanewphoto.blogspot.com/

Here's my beautiful thing for today: Feeling the warm breeze throguh my hair as I walked past the cinema and smelled the popcorn!


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## calmom

i really need this thread, what a great idea.

beautiful things today:
lots of homemade food in my kitchen, none of it cooked by me
my friend jen came and visited with me for a while
flowers are getting ready to bloom
i felt a little better today than yesterday, that is huge!!!


----------



## Jules09

Beautiful things today:
My cat making a cozy bed on my tummy
$1 ice creams with DH


----------



## calmom

beautiful things today:
i got to see my sweet baby's face one last time shortly before the service and burial. he was so PERFECT and sweet smelling!!!!!!

the flowers at his service

dh held my hand, rubbed my back all day and never once complained when he had to turn the car around *twice* so i could use the bathroom again (nervous stomach)


----------



## Jules09

What a sweet DH you have Calmom.

Beautiful thing today:
My MIL arriving from Australia and coming to stay with us. She has been so nice throughout this hard time.


----------



## calmom

Jules, you're in California too. I hope the time with your MIL is relaxing and healing for you.

beautiful things for today:
hearing all the kids laugh with my mom and grandma while they all played Uno

seeing the stack of bags of frozen chocolate chip cookies that dh cooked and froze for when he went back to work

talking to this amazingly sweet art therapist that will be leading the children's bereavement art group that at least one of my kids will be attending soon


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## Jules09

Calmom: I used to love playing Uno with my grandparents when I was a kid too!

My beautiful thing for today:
Watching DH and our cat playing 'tag' and hearing him laughing


----------



## calmom

looks like it's just you and me, jules. lol

my beautiful things:

hmm, these are harder to come up with today.

baby deer walking through our property


----------



## alternamama82

I've been getting frustrated with not fitting into my PP clothes since Freja's birth - and anything tight across my c/s scar really hurts







The other day DP and I went on a shopping spree. He treated me to some new clothes







Afterwards, we went to a neat little pub and had a drink together and just talked. It was nice having some time alone with him.


----------



## calmom

that sounds like a nice time your dh.

my beautiful things:
i laughed out loud with the kids while we played board games (i felt guilty afterward too, but still)

dh was losing his cool with the kids and instead of being angry at him, i could empathize. that felt like a real gift, to feel understanding instead of annoyed at him.


----------



## Jules09

My beautiful things today:
Going for a walk around town with DH in the beautiful sunshine.

Bear hugs with friends who are graduating and leaving town.


----------



## Jules09

Alternamama I totally sympathize with you about the clothes, my mum took me on a similar shopping spree and now I feel so much more comfortable and happy having non-maternity clothes that actually fit. I'm so happy for you that your DP also took you clothes shopping - that sounds like a fun time.


----------



## calmom

dh kissed me today. i mean, the first romantic kiss (not a sympathetic kiss while i'm crying) that was really mixed for me, it was such a 'wow, i'm still alive' moment.


----------



## Jules09

Good for you Calmom!

Beautiful things for today:
DH and I found some little 'secret' walkways and paths that we've never seen before, and explored them in the sunshine.

I cooked Indian food for the first time, and it was delicious!

DH just said, "Did I just tell you that I love you?" and I said, "No" and then he told me that he loves me and that he wanted to tell me. So sweet.


----------



## Jules09

DH and I dipping our feet in the outdoor spa, talking about Lachlan and loving Lachlan, until our feet hurt from being in the water for too long.


----------



## calmom

jules, it sounds like you've got yourself an awfully nice dh there too.

my beautiful things:
one of my daisies is this close to being open.

group of bucks walking outside our window

completely clean houes thanks to grandmother in law


----------



## Jules09

Your house sounds gorgeous, Calmom! We used to have deer outside our old apartment, and it was so lovely.







I have indeed got a wonderful DH.









my beautiful thing today:
Playing badminton! It made me feel healthy and alive.


----------



## calmom

my beautiful things:

went on my first outing today to a homeschool group with dd. all of my friends were so sweet and kind.


----------



## Jules09

Beautiful thing today: A warm cat who made a bed on my tummy and is purring happily.


----------



## calmom

i'm having a down in the dumps day today. but my beautiful thing is:

i received a beautiful handmade necklace in the mail today from a most unexpected source. i have always really liked this person (wife of a cousin) but i just had a feeling that she would be the type to gloss over the uncomfortable details. she also wrote me a lovely letter and talked about lost babies being the purest form of light and energy.

a truly unexpected gift today.


----------



## Jules09

That really is beautiful calmom. Here is another thing for me today: my inlaws have gone out for the afternoon and evening, and I am finally having a nice relaxing day with hubby.


----------



## calmom

awww, jules. i know how much you needed a break from them. enjoy your time.


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## calmom

today is hell, but i forgot to write yesterday's beautiful thing:

a mother deer and her fawn walked through our property. this was a teeny tiny baby too, like the size of a puppy, complete with white spots.


----------



## Jules09

That's gorgeous calmom! My beautiful thing today is that it was a sunny day with a blue sky, and I enjoyed sitting on some cool grass under a tree, feeling the grass with my hands.


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## Jules09

Today I went for a long walk, and walked all the way to the rose gardens where DH proposed to me. It was nice remembering that happy time.


----------



## calmom

well, today's beautiful thing would have to be the outpouring of loving support on my desperate(lol) thread on this forum.


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## Jules09

Today I told someone about Lachlan without crying.


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## calmom

Jules, that sounds like a very important step. (((hugs)))

Big kids stayed up late last night playing Yahtzee with their grandma. That made me feel good that someone is having fun with them.

Nothing yet today, I'll have to come back.


----------



## Jules09

Today's beautiful thing: I enjoyed a game of Settlers with our friends, and felt much more like my 'old self' than I've been feeling.


----------



## calmom

today's beautiful things:

ds (12) had his belated birthday party today and the kids all had fun. I did not have fun but it was still nice to see them happy.

laughing with my little sister. she is one of the few people where there are no expectations, we can just laugh or cry.


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## Jules09

I'm so glad your ds had a nice time. I also like seeing my family and friends having a good time.

My beautiful thing for today: Big red juicy strawberries for breakfast! What a nice treat.


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## calmom

yesterday:

i was crying over my c-section and dh kissed the incision. (sorry if that's tmi, it wasn't sexual)

i went on my most strenuous walk yet yesterday. it felt good to sweat and feel my legs ache a little.


----------



## MI_Dawn

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
yesterday:

i was crying over my c-section and dh kissed the incision.

That is so sweet, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.







:


----------



## alternamama82

My six-year-old's last day of kindergarten was today.
I too, am seeing glimpses of actually being able to make it through this journey. Every once in a while it occurs to me that yes, I am getting through these days. Sometimes the heaviness on my chest lightens just a bit, making it easier to breathe.


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## Jules09

That is definitely sweet and beautiful Calmom. What a sweet husband you have.

Alternamama, yes, we are all making it through one day at a time. We are going to be OK!

I am also feeling my chest lighten a little bit today - we just booked a few days away at lake tahoe, which I think will be peaceful and relaxing. For a long time I wasn't sure if taking a holiday would make me more upset, but I'm finally feeling that I will be able to enjoy it and that it will be a good thing. So we booked it. That's my beautiful thing for today.


----------



## calmom

hi, alternamama. (((hugs)))

jules, we had our honeymoon in lake tahoe! i guess you live in norcal then? we live in the mountains off hwy 80. i'm so happy for you that you're taking a little vacation. you deserve a great time!

today:

more deer in the yard. they were yanking the manzanita leaves off the bushes.

another walk, 2 miles this time.


----------



## singin_angel

Although we haven't had the D&C yet...it's time I start mentally preparing.

Today I had my commanding officer send me pictures he took of my wedding (he attended as a guest but he loves photography). They are beautiful pictures and it brightened my day, even that little bit. I am looking forward to sharing them with DH when he gets home from work.


----------



## alternamama82

I was actually able to take the kids to the park today - a first since dealing with anxiety issues after Freja's death. There were even a few people there who I knew, and I didn't avoid them.


----------



## Jules09

alternamama: I understand about the anxiety - I've struggled with going out in public since Lachlan's death also, and I'm so happy for you that you were able to go to the park. I think it's a really big step.

From yesterday: a beautiful email from my father-in-law that said all the right things. After a recent visit from my in-laws that was not good at all, this was so nice. It's good to know that they realize that it's so hard for us right now, and to acknowledge how beautiful Lachlan was and that it's hard not to think about what might have been. It means a lot to me that they actually mentioned Lachlan's name - it's the first time I've heard (well, seen) it from a family member in a long, long time.


----------



## calmom

nicole, that's nice that you have those to look at now, to brighten your day.

well, we had lots of beautiful things today- so many deer!

i walked right past a beautiful doe and she didn't move. i was about 5 feet from her and we looked into each other's eyes, it was amazing.

then the kids and i went on my 2 mile walk together and saw: two young bucks eating breakfast (we NEVER see bucks together!), two spotted fawns walking together and more does. it was a great walk.


----------



## calmom

today:

i went swimming with my kids at my mom's house. feeling the incision pull while swimming felt icky but it was nice to be in the sun, doing things with the kids.


----------



## Jules09

Today DH made lemon tea and chicken soup for me when I had a headache. What a sweetie.


----------



## calmom

jules, hope you're headache free today.

today:

i went on my walk and managed to run for 10 minutes of it. haven't run since month 5 of my pregnancy.


----------



## Jules09

Good for you Calmom, it sounds like your body is healing really well!

My beautiful thing today: hours and hours of karaoke with good friends.


----------



## Jules09

PS another thing: my headache is gone!


----------



## BecomingMom

Ooh, this is a great idea! I hope no one minds if I jump in here. I think this is just what I need right now.

I'll do mine from yesterday:
Snuggling with my DH on the couch, laughing at a stand up comedian on TV. It was nice to feel close to him again, and to allow myself to really smile and even laugh.


----------



## calmom

BecomingMom, of course we don't mind! I have found this thread to be something small and positive to focus on every day.









I saw a hummingbird drinking from a flower on my walk this morning.


----------



## calmom

today was one of those days that was SO HARD to see something beautiful, and i'm sure i don't have to explain why to all of you.

i laughed with my little sister and my grandma. we were making fun of her spoiled rotten cat.

oh, and the little charm from my midwives with matthew's name, birthdate, a little heart bead and a little foot with 'Remember' on the back. i will find a way to hang it off my rearview mirror in the car.


----------



## calmom

yesterday:

crazy summer weather. it rained and it smelled SO good. i opened all the windows and enjoyed the scent.


----------



## Jules09

The man at the fish and chip shop gave us free chips, just coz he's nice like that.


----------



## calmom

i have a clean kitchen today


----------



## ~Mamaterra~

I readied my memorial garden for planting tomorrow.

When I bought the plants last week, I told the greenhouse guy that I was looking for perennials in thinking about the memorial garden.

And he said, "well we have some wonderful Sweet Williams here and I burst into tears. I explained that the son we lost last years' name was William and thost plants are so perfect for the garden.

The gentleman threw them in for me as a gift. What a sweetheart. I'm be planting them tomorrow.


----------



## calmom

Mamaterra, that is beautiful. Sweet Williams for your sweet William.

we saw the doe with two young buck sons on our walk this morning. they are the cutest family.


----------



## Jules09

Mamaterra, that sent a tingle down my spine and tears to my eyes. How beautiful that the greenhouse man knew just the flowers that you needed.

Today I went for a long walk past the rose gardens again. I saw some tall, beautiful flowers growing along side a street sign, and little bees buzzing around in them.


----------



## Vermillion

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
And he said, "well we have some wonderful Sweet Williams here and I burst into tears. I explained that the son we lost last years' name was William and thost plants are so perfect for the garden.

Oh wow... that totally made me tear up! Sounds absolutely perfect!!


----------



## rumi79

The biggest b**ch at work that never ever asked me how I'm doing brought me dark chocolate Reese cups. I ate them grinning like an idiot.







:
Later that night my husband finally hugged me and told me a story about what little angels do in Heaven. And how my angel is waiting for me to decide it's time for him to come back.


----------



## rumi79

I went to the bathroom around noon and lifted my shirt, I had a smiley flower sticker on my belly. I slept with my 2 years old son last night so I guess he put it there after I felt asleep. I laughed so much when I saw it. It made my day for sure.


----------



## Vermillion

I woke up to find all 5 of our caterpillars in their chrysalides!

And DH is off for 2 days after a looooooong week of work! We're all going to the movies tonight.


----------



## colorclash

I laughed for the first time today. It was over something raunchy and gross and I felt like myself for a minute.

(I love this thread.)


----------



## calmom

rumi, that is so sweet.

colorclash, i'm glad you felt like yourself for a moment. i remember how strange it felt to laugh the first few times.

today, i swam with my kids and had fun. i even jumped off the waterfalls!


----------



## Jules09

Board games with friends and DH won for the first time in months, which made him happy.


----------



## alternamama82

Last night DP and I went for a ride on his quad over to his brother's place and I got to photograph his black fallow deer. The deer are usually very timid and hide when somebody comes by, but they were very cooperative last night. Got some great shots!


----------



## tibbi5

I am new to this, but I think it is what I need right now. I lost my sweet baby 2 days ago and i can't see the future. My husband insisted we get out today with the kids....the beautiful thing we saw was a waterfall, my children played in the runoff below it. They were smiling and laughing, all while I felt like drowning inside, but I was able to hold back the tears because of them.


----------



## calmom

Jules, I'm glad you get to spend time with your friends. And good for your dh!

alternamama, i just love deer. i don't know what a black fallow deer is, i don't think we have those here.

tibbi, i understand that fresh pain. (((hugs))) the waterfall sounds lovely.

my beautiful thing was, once again, the deer i saw on my run. it was so hot and there were so many does resting in the shade and in the grass of recently watered lawns.


----------



## Jules09

I love hearing about all the deer that you see, Calmom.

Today I talked to my mum, and we cried together and she said that she'll never forget Lachlan, because he's her grandson. Normally she just changes the subject and talks about other stuff, and she never says his name, so this was really beautiful today.


----------



## calmom

Jules, that is so special! It's such a gift when someone unexpectedly validates our babies and grief.


----------



## tibbi5

my son hugged me and told me that he loved me. I haven't left the house in 3 days. Our other children know nothing of our loss. We never even told them we were expecting. My son caught me crying and just stopped to do that. It was beautiful.


----------



## Jules09

That's so sweet, tibbi!


----------



## calmom

yes, that is so sweet.









i saw a jackrabbit just outside of our gate today. they are so cute!

AND i'm having the tender feelings toward dh come back. i am so happy about that.


----------



## calmom

my therapy appt went good today. it was so nice to be understood and get ideas for keeping sane.

got to play with my sister's favorite cat. he's a big, huge, snobby blue-eyed himalayan and i just LOVE him.


----------



## calmom

we saw the Buck Brothers on our walk today, that's what we've named them. dd and i came up with a really goofy song about them as we finished our walk.

and we saw some wild turkeys with their eensy weensy babies perched on someone's fence.


----------



## Jules09

I heard a guy singing along to a song when I was walking outside today. Sometimes something really simple can be beautiful.


----------



## Vermillion

Our butterflies hatched today! 4 of 5 are out. 3 are still drying their wings and 1 is flying around. I'm hoping that the 5th one might come out soon since it hasn't been long since the first 4 emerged.

They're so cute







We're going to feed them and watch them eat tonight and then let them go at the park tomorrow.


----------



## calmom

those butterflies sound lovely.

well, today my beautiful thing was getting our internet service back again! two days without; i was dying!

and the other night, i had a dream about a vbac garden. long, slender purple flowers and yellow daisly-like flowers. i was walking through the garden, admiring all the blooms. each flower represented a successful vbac a woman had had. i felt so calm and relaxed and woke up feeling unafraid of a future vbac.


----------



## Vermillion

All 5 ended up hatching







We've been watching them and feeding them and tomorrow it's supposed to be nice weather, so we'll release them.

Tonight I had a nice dinner out with my DS & DH, then we saw the new Harry Potter movie. 'Twas a good day


----------



## calmom

what else? more deer!


----------



## calmom

today, on my walk, i saw the mail carrier chatting with a neighbor. they were smiling and laughing so hard. i wasn't jealous of the happiness. instead, i felt happy that happines still exists!


----------



## AstridS

Our chickens hatched today. Four brown ones and one little yellow one. They are so cute. And it's so beautiful to see the mama hen nesting and taking care of her little ones, showing them how to feed and keeping them warm under her wings.


----------



## Etoile

I love this thread.

Today it was grey and rainy all day long, and cool (upper 60's). It is my favorite kind of weather and almost felt like autumn was here even though it's still a few months off.


----------



## calmom

Astrid, that is just precious! Only once did one of our hens go broody.

Etoile, mmmm, i love autumn weather.

today, we saw our favorite twin fawns. they still have spots too. it's so fun to see them almost daily. oh, we saw a jackrabbit too.


----------



## Jules09

Today I saw something beautiful at the reservoir that reminded me of Christie - three little deer!


----------



## calmom

jules, that is so funny because i was coming on here to write that my beautiful thing was a mama deer with three spotted fawns following her. i've never seen a mama with more than twins so it really caught my eye.


----------



## ecstaticmama24

Well, I'm new to this thread, but I'll just jump right on in.

Today I spent alot of time in the garden, digging and planting. My 2 older children helped me, it was alot of work, but very healing.

Tomorrow I am going for a massage and a facial. It's been years.


----------



## Jules09

Good for you, Andrea! I hope you enjoy your me-time.


----------



## MFuglei

We had our miscarriage on 7/29. That day, I got this gorgeous ring from etsy in the mail: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php...ng_id=27221867

One of our girl names was Rose, and its timing seemed a fitting memorial. Today I'm going to bury our little one under one of our gorgeous red rose bushes, and I'll have this ring as a constant reminder.

One of the best parts, for me, was a note from the maker: she's a sahm with 2 autistic children. It felt lovely to shop from her.


----------



## calmom

Andrea, could you let us know how the massage went? i have a gift certificate for massage and pedicure and i've never had one. i'm afraid i will start sobbing as soon as someone touches me. did you feel emotional?

oh Monica, that is so beautiful.

yesterday, i saw two separate turkey families. each had 5 babies and a mom and dad turkey that stoof about ten feet away from the babies and turned their heads back and forth, keeping watch. it was so happy/sad watching mamas so protective of their babies.


----------



## MFuglei

Good morning!! Today's going to be 2 social outings for us, and in a way, that's beautiful. As hard as it is that life plods on, it's good too.

I played mancala with my daughter at 7 a.m.. I was crabby and impatient, but the beautiful part is that a voice kept telling me: Enjoy this. Enjoy this. Enjoy this. And I did. I calmed down and had an awesome time with her.


----------



## Jules09

Today I received a care package from a friend back in Australia. She sent me some comfort foods to remind me of home - milo, tim tams, vegemite, tuna & cadbury chocolate. It was so sweet of her.

I also got a call from the CSA to tell me that they received my payment and my first batch of veggies will start on Tuesday. Yay!


----------



## colorclash

Yesterday I tried a drink and i had absolutely no idea what it would taste like. I realized that that hardly happens. I didn't like the taste, but I LOVED the fact that it reminded me that there are new things for me to experience in the world.


----------



## calmom

jules, is vegemite similar to nutritional yeast? i remember reading that they were. the care package sounds wonderful.

Monica, i do understand that voice.

colorclash, yes. it's so nice to be able to appreciate those small things.

yesterday, while out on the lake, dh and i heard this enormous croaking of a toad. it was really amazing, such a booming voice.


----------



## Jules09

Christie, vegemite is a yeast extract (whatever that is!). I grew up on the stuff so I love it!


----------



## JayJay

Just popping in to say hi







I started this thread 12 days after Josie died and it helped me









*HUGE hugs* to you all! XXXXXX


----------



## ecstaticmama24

Oh sweet Vegemite, reminds me of my trip to Australia... not that I liked eating it though, LOL.









Monica... your memorial sounds beautiful, I chose a rose bush too and have plans for the rest of the garden.

Christie... the massage was fabulous. I did release some tears but I wasn't full on sobbing. I know the massage therapist so I think he was being carefull with me.

And today I went to Calaway Park (an amusement park) with the kids. It was so hard for me, I love rides but I wish so bad that I couldn't go on them. I saw pregnant mamas everywhere and even a new set of twins. As hard as it was, I joined the kids and went on the rides... some of them went up so high that I could see for miles!! I thought at one point that there are some really beautiful things in life, and then I cried.


----------



## MFuglei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecstaticmama24* 
Monica... your memorial sounds beautiful, I chose a rose bush too and have plans for the rest of the garden.

Thank you. I did it this morning, and that's my beautiful thing for today. I used a stone to cover the spot, for now. We'll get something more beautiful and fitting in the future. There's a store down the street that has the most beautiful handcrafted garden things - I suspect I'll sneak over there after my next payday and get something.

I read this poem: http://www.danagioia.net/poems/sequoia.htm And I spent some time reflecting on the lines "a few stray atoms brought back to the elements" and "silently keeping the secret of your birth." This has long been one of my favorite poems. Its meaning has only become deeper, more accessible now.

I've also picked up "Good Poems for Hard Times". My stepfather was reading it when he died and it's been on my shelf for two years now. I think now's as good a time as any to pick it up.


----------



## calmom

hi jayjay! (((hugs)))

jules, one of the first vegan cookbooks i ever bought (it was british) had vegemite as an ingredient and i think that when i learned that i could use nutritional yeast as a sub.

ecstaticmama, i'm glad you enjoyed your massage. i'm still unsure of how to proceed with mine. i want to tell the therapist what i've been through but then i don't want them to feel awkward with me. i'm so glad you had some enjoyable time with your kids.

Monica, i can't bear to look at the whole poem but that 'silently keeping the secret of your birth' really got to me. (((hugs)))

today, i completely reorganized my kitchen. it took a couple of hours. i feel so much better now. this is the first day that i really dove into a project since Matthew died.


----------



## alternamama82

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jules09* 
Today I received a care package from a friend back in Australia. She sent me some comfort foods to remind me of home - milo, tim tams, vegemite, tuna & cadbury chocolate. It was so sweet of her.

I also got a call from the CSA to tell me that they received my payment and my first batch of veggies will start on Tuesday. Yay!

Oh my goodness! Tim Tams rock! I was shocked to see the other day that the grocery store in my small town even carries them! Now you've got me wanting some.... But they're not healthy.... Hmmm... Maybe we can start a "Not so healthy, but hugely craved," thread... Can we? LOL!


----------



## calmom

i don't even want to know what tim-tams are. the last thing i need is one more thing tempting me. LOL

i forgot to tell you guys this last week but when i dropped off our vacuum for repair, when the store owner mentioned my 'large' family, i told her about Matthew. i didn't cry. she hugged me and told me to let myself grieve and never forget.


----------



## MFuglei

Hey guys!

We spent the afternoon at the library and the park today. It was lovely.


----------



## Jules09

That's wonderful Christie, it was so strong of you. You are doing so well!

Monica, that does sound like a lovely day!

Alternamama you made me laugh with the not so healthy thread! I have to say I've been a bit naghty lately with all the new goodies in my apartment. Oops!

Today my beautiful thing is all of the supportive and caring comments I've been getting on my blog. I've been having a rough couple of days and they've really helped to cheer me up and make me feel less alone (and less crazy!).


----------



## ecstaticmama24

Today I went to a nurse-in to support World Breastfeeding Week. It was really hard to see all the mamas that I haven't seen since my belly went away. It was also hard to see the twins. I think it was hard for people to see me too, I could tell people didn't know what to say and may have avoided talking to me.

Other than that it was nice to get out and support something that I'm so passionate about. Nothin' like a little controversy in the mall to make me smile, LOL!


----------



## ecstaticmama24

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 

i forgot to tell you guys this last week but when i dropped off our vacuum for repair, when the store owner mentioned my 'large' family, i told her about Matthew. i didn't cry. she hugged me and told me to let myself grieve and never forget.

Wow, that must have been hard to do.


----------



## calmom

Andrea, you made me LOL because I too love a little controversy, especially when it's for something so important like breastfeeding.

ok, last night, i heard something crunching outside the window. i went out and there was one doe walking around near our deck. i asked her if she was hungry and ran back in to grab some of our old produce. i sat on the edge of the deck in the dark, rolling peaches to her. it was so nice, just this hungry doe and me, lit only by the moon.


----------



## MFuglei

My son ran into the bedroom this morning, climbed into bed with me, gave me a big hug and said: "I just. . . I just. . . I just LOVE YOU mama!"


----------



## calmom

at 2am this morning, i stood out on the deck. the moon was full and bright. dark storm clouds moved across it. it was so beautiful!

and this morning, i was feeding our dog and all the chickens surrounded her. it was so funny, they would steal a piece while she was chewing. lol


----------



## calmom

i don't feel like anything was beautiful today so i shouldn't be posting here. but i'm so sad tonight and i don't want to start a thread about it. i just wanted to post somewhere and know that you will all be here tomorrow... and that somehow this will all be ok. i will find something beautiful tomorrow.


----------



## alternamama82

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
i don't feel like anything was beautiful today so i shouldn't be posting here. but i'm so sad tonight and i don't want to start a thread about it. i just wanted to post somewhere and know that you will all be here tomorrow... and that somehow this will all be ok. i will find something beautiful tomorrow.

Aww, Christie







I'm sorry you had a rough day... Yesterday was difficult for me too. I've only been up a little while, so I'm not sure which direction this day is headed yet... I want to go visit Freja sometime this evening because I won't be around for the 10th (the day she died) to be with her. I always feel driven to visit her particularily on those three days every month (day she was born, day she died, day she was buried.) I feel those days are hers. But, it's very hard for me emotionally to go to her spot. I'm usually a wreck for quite a while afterward.
We saw BIL's deer last night while we were out riding the quad and I thought of you., Christie. I took some awesome pictures of them the other day, I'll post them on my blog when we get back from our trip.


----------



## alternamama82

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecstaticmama24* 
Today I went to a nurse-in to support World Breastfeeding Week. It was really hard to see all the mamas that I haven't seen since my belly went away. It was also hard to see the twins. I think it was hard for people to see me too, I could tell people didn't know what to say and may have avoided talking to me.

Other than that it was nice to get out and support something that I'm so passionate about. Nothin' like a little controversy in the mall to make me smile, LOL!

That is great that you went to the nurse-in. Even better that you're still bf'ing (assuming you are!) It was so very difficult for me when my dd2 weaned when I was around 20 wks pregnant. I'm a marathon nurser, I like to nurse my babies till they're.... well.... not babies! lol


----------



## JayJay

Ah, I'll just do this for old time's sakes









My beautiful thing for yesterday was placing Josie's little hands as my desktop background. They're folded over one another and look so serene. Felt good putting them there - she a couple of tears but it felt good.

Beautiful thing for today is that I once again get to work at projects I love to do! I am so blessed to be able to work in the way I work and do the work I do! Thank you, the powers that be, for helping me find the strength in the aftermath of the biggest tragedy, to change my life and the lives of my family members for the better by focusing on the important things in life and going for the goals I should have gone for years ago. I am truly a lucky, lucky person.

*HUGE hugs* everyone! XXXX


----------



## alternamama82

Jayjay








It's really good to have positive things to be thankful for! Your job sounds wonderful and so does your family. Through this tragedy of losing our daughter, I am thankful for the fact that it's brought DP and I closer, and made us more sensitive and intuitive to eachothers needs and feelings.


----------



## Jules09

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
i don't feel like anything was beautiful today so i shouldn't be posting here. but i'm so sad tonight and i don't want to start a thread about it. i just wanted to post somewhere and know that you will all be here tomorrow... and that somehow this will all be ok. i will find something beautiful tomorrow.









I hope that today is a better day. We are all here for you, reading your words and supporting you, however you feel. I'm sorry yesterday was a hard day for you. Somehow it will be all OK. Somehow we're all making it through, one day at a time. You've already done so well to make it so far, and have been doing so much to help yourself. I believe you'll find something beautiful today.


----------



## calmom

today, i'm grateful for the wonderful time my 14yo ds has been having at my mom's house. my little sister is 16 so he has a constant buddy while he's there. they've gone camping with their youth group, swam every day, played volleyball yesterday and tonight he's going to a youth group pool party.

i'm still so sad today. i've been crying more than i have in several weeks. so my other beautiful thing is all of you!


----------



## calmom

we have a new chicken. she doesn't get along with the rest of the flock yet so as we sat on the dock eating lunch, she sat at our feet eating our scraps. it was so cute.


----------



## calmom

little quail family running across the road.


----------



## calmom

i found my very best friend from kindergarten on facebook. i have missed her so much!


----------



## Jules09

This one is from yesterday. I was listening to a podcast on my walk, and a man rang up the radio station to enter his wife in a fashion show. His wife had had a mastectomy and had just lost her mum, and he thought she was just so beautiful and deserved to be in the show. It was so sweet and it brought a tear to my eye.


----------



## WaitingForKiddos

This beautiful thing was last week, this weekend was super shitty and tonight marks the first 12th since my last one with Amelia. Anyway, I was driving in the car and I pulled down the vanity mirror. There were the "c&k" letter stickers I put on my mirror after my first date with Dh. As I looked past the stickers into the mirror I saw a flicker of my old eyes, wth their wrinkles from always being a smiler. It was beautiful to see that they aren't really gone forever. Just for now. C&K indeed.


----------



## calmom

jules, that is so sweet. what a nice dh!

WFK, i love that. c&k









today, i was pushing the jogger up my steep hill in the blazing sun and for a few seconds, there was a breeze. just enough for me to remember that things do still feel good.


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## MFuglei

I just watched Community with Joel McHale (premiering this fall - if you're a fan on facebook you get to watch it). It made me laugh. Big, fat belly laughs, guffaws. Fun stuff. Felt good.

Also, I've neglected my garden for weeks now. I just checked on it and it's FULL of green tomatoes that will be red soon.


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## alternamama82

We had a wonderful vacation with our friends at their cabin. Much needed for our whole family. The kids had lots of fun, and it was such a BEAUTIFUL area! I took tons of pictures. It felt so good to laugh and enjoy the company of others!


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## calmom

Monica, I might have to check that out. Is it kid appropriate?

alternamama, you're back!!!! i've missed you and wondering how the trip went. so glad it was nice and you're safe at home again. (((hugs)))


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## JayJay

I think I'll bump this... Yes, I know it's nearly three years since the last post but it helped us all very much in the very beginning.


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## Shiloh

Today I realised I can control very little.

I had a nice day with my kids, we went to a horse show.

I realise only god is in control.

I can only control certain things, like my posture...lol.


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## Milk8shake

Wow, I remember this thread, and you JayJay!

You've prompted a bit of stalking on my behalf to see what others are up to.


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