# UPDATE Post #1! Help for a no-gift, bring a donation bday party anyone?



## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

We are planning DDs 5th birthday party and plan on having people bring a donation for the local animal rescue league instead of a gift. We went there today and asked them for a list of things that they could use and hope to include the list in the invitation somehow.

-Anybody have experience with throwing or going to a donate-to-charity party?
-Any tips for how to word it all on the invite?
-Any tips for how to help people feel comfortable doing this?

It is a cat themed party. So the donations will fit in very well with the theme.

TIA!

*Just an update for anyone who cares...

We just had the bday party this weekend, and I am very happy to say that it was a success! Everyone brought a donation for the Animal Rescue League like a bag of cat or dog food, cat beds, toys dishes leashes. Only a couple of people brought a gift for DD in addition to the donation.

I wasn't sure how the flow of the party would be without the present opening, but it was definitely not missed.

This is what we did not miss:
--Sitting though watching DD open 20 or more presents in our TINY house.
--All the wrapping paper and boxes and packaging from 20 or more gifts in our TINY house.
--Other kids getting jealous of DDs gifts. (this happened last year. It was terrible)
--DD saying inappropriate things when opening gifts or not remembering to say thank you.
--Gift givers not feeling like their well-picked gift got the reaction they wanted.
--Having to find a place for all the new toys in our TINY house.
--The feeling of extravagant waste/guilt that comes with DD receiving so many wonderful things that she totally does not need at all.

There was plenty of excitement with the "mouse hunt" game, "cleaning the litter box out" game and painting wiskers and noses on our faces, oh and eating Cat Cake!

We are going today to deliver the stuff to the ARL. It will be such a good lesson for DD.

I am so pleased it worked out and would just like to encourage anyone else who is thinking of trying this to GO FOR IT! It really can turn out great!

I don't think we will ever have a regular present bday party again.*


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## mamaveggie (Mar 24, 2007)

tried this for dd1's birthday in December and only one family brought a donation. Everyone else brought gifts for her.


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## Siera (Nov 11, 2008)

A couple of experiences.

First, I used to work at a museum that cared for live animals, and we had kids throw parties like this all the time. We printed an invitation that mentioned the party was for donations to our live animal room and listed the items requested and/or monetary donations that could be made and what those donations would purchase. They were very successful. Kids would sometimes also bring a gift for the birthday kid, but they always brought a gift for our animals. We would theme the birthday around the live animals since the party took place in our animal room. Perhaps you could have the party at the site?

Second, for my daughter's baptism next month, we are requesting that guests bring a donation for the NICU that our DD was in. This is how I worded it in the invitations: "In lieu of a gift, newborn shirts, blankets or mobiles for the hospital neonatal intensive care unit are welcome"


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## lajn (Jun 10, 2007)

Both my son (6) and daughter (7) had no-gift parties last year. The invitations said something like "in lieu of gifts, a small donation (no more than $5) will be collected for X charity". I didn't want to tell everyone how much to donate, but even more, I didn't want people to have to guess at how much "small" meant. Everyone gave exactly $5, and although some were very creative in their presentation (wrapped in origami, little tin boxes, beautiful homemade cards etc.), no one brought a gift.


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

We've been to several and they have all gone well. The ones that seem to get the best response are ones where it's clear the kid is on board. Try to keep the language casual too - otherwise it sounds too earnest to be something that a child would want.

My fav was for a boy who was gathering donations for a reptiles refuge:

"Instead of gifts for my birthday I would like to ask for donations to look after Stubble and all the Bearded Dragon Lizards at the reptile refuge."

Another one we have right now says:

"Instead of bringing me a present (because it was just Christmas and I scored!) I'd like to share my good fortune with the animal shelter where we adopted Chico."

Both came with a list of needed supplies.

have fun!!
Diane


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## MaxMommy (Feb 16, 2007)

We live in a really tiny town. Myself and the mothers of the two other boys turning 5 in December recently had the "First Anual December Birthday Bash". We rented the gym, including plasma cars, balls, etc, invited everyone in the community from 3-7yrs old, including parents and sibs, had great tunes, cool food, and no gifts. We mentioned on the invites that in leiu of gifts we would appreciate a food item for the Christmas cheer fund. We also mentioned that anyone wanting to give a gift, please do so privately, not at the party, we were firm on that so as to not cause any jealousy among the birthday boys.
We pooled our resources and bought some awsome party favours, so everyone got something great in thier loot bags.
Everyone had a great time. We're getting comments that people can't wait for next years' party. No one missed the gifts.
My son told me that the best gift he had was his party.
We also had a family celebration where he got his gift from mom and dad.


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Thanks for all your input mamas! This has really helped me to see this party as a success. I have heard a lot about it not working and people not listening.

I especially will make use of wording it to reflect DDs involvement with the idea about donating to the ARL.

Thank you. I will let you know how it goes in a few weeks!


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## sprouthead (Jul 14, 2007)

I'm glad you are doing this!

For DS's first birthday we did the march for babies, and just wrote something like "In lieu of gifts, please feel free to make a donation to the March for Babies" and it worked well. DS still got a few gifts from family, but whatever..


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Etiquette-wise, you are never, ever supposed to mention anything about gifts on an invitation. Not to say "no gifts," not to say "donation instead of gifts," and not registration on a shower invitation. The reason is that it makes it look as though you expect that you are owed gifts but are being noblesse-oblige about it, rather than to offer hospitality to your friends. Or, at best, that you are throwing a charitable fund-raiser instead of a party; but the latter is still a charity solicitation rather than an invitation. A true invitation asks for nothing in return except an RSVP.

So, your choices are:

1. Ignore that etiquette rule-- which, obviously, many people ignore, and not everyone is offended by its being ignored. You know your invitees better than any of us do, so you can gauge better than we whether they are likely to be offended by etiquette violations. (Keep in mind that if they are that polite, they probably won't say anything even if they are offended.)

2. Do what a pp said and essentially have a charitable fund-raiser at an animal shelter. Announce at the fund-raiser that it is a birthday as well.

3. Have a regular birthday party, but if and when people ask what the birthday girl wants, tell them donations.


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## Alison's Mom (May 3, 2007)

I tried this for my DD's 4th bday. I ignored the etiquette rules and sent an email invitation saying that I'd bought several items for DD which will be 'from everyone', and instead of bringing a gift, people could make a donation to XYZ charity instead'.

I included a link to the charity so they could donate online and we wouldn't know how much they gave, or even if they gave anything. I was really more concerned about having more plastic toys rather than getting the donation, and DD wasn't really onboard.

With the relatives party, nobody brought a gift. With the friends party, a few parents had told me that they had already bought a small gift for DD before I sent the invitation, and I said OK, bring it. Two parents brought donations, and one family included a very sweet homemade book for DD.

I looked at this site: http://www.echoage.com/index.html which does all the administration for this type of party, but takes a cut also. They collect the money, take their cut, give you half the money to buy your child one present 'from everyone', and give half to the charity.


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

I looked at this site: http://www.echoage.com/index.html which does all the administration for this type of party, but takes a cut also. They collect the money, take their cut, give you half the money to buy your child one present 'from everyone', and give half to the charity.

Wow. That website. A dunno how I feel about doing it that way......

But thank you for pointing that out to me, I don't think I would have come across that myself. Very interesting.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad your party was a success! I do think I will go ahead and break the etiquette rules as well.


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

I have to say that while I know financial donations are really helpful to places - people just seem more comfortable bringing *something* to a party. This is why I like the ones with lists so much. Kids still get to go pick a gift - they just choose one for an organization. The one mum I know who suggested a donation to a charity got that and birthday gifts. While the ones that asked for supplies - got those only.

And as far as etiquette - I think those rules are changing. The idea of etiquette is to make a guest comfortable and I'm personally more comfortable with more direction, rather than guessing.
Diane


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ceilydhmama* 
And as far as etiquette - I think those rules are changing. The idea of etiquette is to make a guest comfortable and I'm personally more comfortable with more direction, rather than guessing.
Diane

It has always been proper etiquette to ask the parent what the child might like, and for the parent to answer truthfully. So if you want to observe the traditional rules, you still can get and give "more direction" for those who want it.

But again, you know your friends/ family and what they do and don't consider rude in your individual community.


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ceilydhmama* 
I have to say that while I know financial donations are really helpful to places - people just seem more comfortable bringing *something* to a party. This is why I like the ones with lists so much. Kids still get to go pick a gift - they just choose one for an organization. The one mum I know who suggested a donation to a charity got that and birthday gifts. While the ones that asked for supplies - got those only.

I agree that people are more comfortable with bringing "something" rather than just doing a donation and not bringing anything to the party. That is what we are doing. We are including the list of supplies so people could bring something if they wanted to. Definitely better than asking for monetary donations IMO as far as invitees comfort level.


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
It has always been proper etiquette to ask the parent what the child might like, and for the parent to answer truthfully. So if you want to observe the traditional rules, you still can get and give "more direction" for those who want it.

But again, you know your friends/ family and what they do and don't consider rude in your individual community.

Thanks for including the proper etiquette side of this issue lolar2!

I agree that you need to know your community and know whether or not people are going to be offended by a deviation from the traditional etiquette.

In my community I am sure it will be mostly if not fully embraced. Grandparents and any family members will know that they can get DD whatever they want and give it to her at another time---we see everyone very often.

I do agree with the other poster about how the rules are changing. It seems to be around my area, but that could just be wishful thinking on my part and not really paying close attention to those kind of things in the first place.

Anyway this is very interesting and good to hear both sides of it.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I just figure it's best to KNOW when you might be breaking a rule or a tradition. I'd rather do that deliberately than accidentally, you know? If it's deliberate, I'm a rebel. If it's accidental, I'm just embarrassed.


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

We just went to a 5yo's b-day party and they took donations for a local charity. On the invitation it said "in leui of gifts, please bring a donation for ...... charity."

I did have DS make a card for the child and the child did get gifts from family but donations for the charity from friends.

I don't see a problem with it.


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Read post #1 for an update!

Thanks for everyone's input.


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## Siera (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm so glad it worked out ok!! I knew it would. It's such a great idea and a good lesson! I think it also makes the gift-givers feel good about their gift, too!


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## Kells97 (Dec 28, 2008)

That sounds like a wonderful party! I'm glad it worked well for you.


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## KyleAnn (May 24, 2004)

It sounds as if it went great!
Everyone had a good time and the ARL will be so appreciative!







:


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Thanks everyone!

We took the stuff to the ARL and they were so APPRECIATIVE!! It was awesome. DD got to give each of the dogs a toy, and 2 of the cats a toy too. She got to play with one of the kitties outside of its cage too. The kitty was so cute and loved its new toy. The ARL woman was really great, she let us hang out for about 20 minutes and really made it an experience. I took pictures which I will be including in the thankyou notes to the guests so they can see the animals enjoying some of the donations.

I even took my little sister so she was part of the experience too.

Just can't say enough about what a positive experience it was!


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