# Just looking for support



## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

I guess I just need to tell my story...

I found out Sunday that our 2nd baby - that we tried for (DD was a wonderful surprise) - had lost its heartbeat. I was supposed to be 10 weeks, & there was a heartbeat one week earlier. I am so devastated.

I'm an L&D nurse, & I was at work. It was slow, so we were doing a "just for fun" scan on a coworker who is 29 wks along, b/c her baby had been breech & she felt like maybe she had flipped (she had). Then they wanted to scan me, & of course I wanted to see my little peanut so I agreed. This was on Saturday. I didn't think I saw a heartbeat that day, but it was a quick scan b/c patients were coming in, & my bladder wasn't full, so I tried to tell myself maybe we just didn't get a good view.

So on Sunday, I came in with a full bladder & we tried again. My coworkers tried to reassure me, "I think I saw a flicker," but I knew it wasn't there. It was so still. No movement, no flicker, nothing. I asked one of the obstetricians if he would scan me as a favor to confirm, b/c I just had to know. He did a very thorough ultrasound, & sadly confirmed my worst fear. My baby had died.

I left work early to go home & tell my husband, & it was good that our daughter (who is almost 2) is very active, b/c if we didn't have to care for her I'm not sure either of us would move or leave the house again. It was so hard to say those words, "We lost the baby..." The chances of this happening are supposed to be so low once there is a heartbeat, but here I am with a lifeless baby inside me. And we just told the entire world about the pregnancy, too.

The worst part about this right now for me, is that I am not having any cramping or bleeding, & my cervix is basically closed & thick. It could take weeks to happen on its own, & while I wish I had the patience to let nature take its course, I find the thought unbearable. Going about my daily life with a dead baby inside me, holding my breath waiting for the bleeding to start at any moment... I have to care for my daughter, work & take care of patients, & I am supposed to be performing in a community theatre production in a month or so (which honestly I still want to do, b/c I think it will be good for me to get out of the house & do something that under normal circumstances I find extremely enjoyable). How can I do any those things when I could start bleeding at any moment?

But I am strongly opposed to having a D&C if I don't have to. I just can't bear the thought of my little angel being violently sucked out of me. I know it's "just a body" now, but still... And I want to avoid the risks of surgery & damage to my cervix or uterus, b/c I believe in my heart I want more children (DH is unable to even think about that right now).

The only other option is to use Cytotec, which also scares me b/c of the pain & the risk of hemorrhage & infection. But I think this is what we're going to do, b/c the other two options are unimaginable to me right now. I saw the doctor today, & had an "official" ultrasound to confirm the death, & he said to come back Friday & he will write the prescriptions (Cytotec, a narcotic, & an anti-nausea med). We have to do it on a weekend, so DH can be with me & someone can take our daughter overnight. I'm scared about what is going to happen, & if my husband can handle it. I just want this to be over, I want it to be a bad dream. I know I may still have to have a D&C, but I'm just praying that I will be one of the 60-85% of women that have a successful "complete" using the medication.

I am so heartbroken, & so tired of having to tell people what is happening. I just can't talk about it anymore, although writing it here, with all of you, is different. You understand. I only was able to tell one person in my family - my mother - on Sunday, & I barely got the words out before I had to say "I can't talk, I have to go." I told her to call the rest of my family, & to tell them not to call us. My sisters are worried about me, but I just can't talk about it. It's too much. And to think of what we have to do this weekend, while the rest of my family is celebrating my niece's 12th birthday... I will be at home, cramping & bleeding, & delivering our silent, still baby.

This is a nightmare.

Thank you all for telling your stories, it means everything just to know I'm not alone...


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Oh God mamagrove, I'm so sorry. That sounds so, so, so hard. I wish you the best that it can be this weekend, considering the circumstances. I totally agree about the telling people bit--it's so hard, and I don't always want to talk about it, but I feel like I have to just get through the conversation. So strange. I'm thinking of you.


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.









With my last loss, after weeks of waiting for it to commence, I ended up taking the cytotec. It was a very hard decision but I had to end the waiting, emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore. I inserted them (vaginally) and took the Rx of 2 Percocets anticipating great pain from the OBGYN's warning. Laid down and fell asleep for the night. Woke up at around 5 and was in pain, took 2 more pain pills and went back to sleep, woke up a couple hours later and passed the baby. I bleed for about a week after that and then just some spotting at best. There are a lot of Cytotec horror stories but with mine it wasn't so bad. My first (all natural) loss was a month long process of passing clots and tissue and baby, which made the cytotec experience seem even better because I was expecting it to really drag out. Not that I am recommending cytotec, do whatever you feel is best for you, but just giving some personal experiences. Best of luck to you, and again I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

I`m so sorry.
















I`m glad you have a wonderful, supporting husband.

You don`t have to explain what`s happening to people. Calling your Mom and asking her to do it was a great idea.

I`m praying for peace and healing for you.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## txbikegrrl (Jul 20, 2006)

So sorry for your loss. I'm going through a similar situation. I'll be looking for any updates as I'm trying to decide how to proceed also...


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.

I am sending light and peace your way. Have your mom explain to anyone who needs to know and just take care of yourself right now.

Hugs to you, Dh and your LO.

Take care,
Jen


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## Sweetiemommy (Jul 19, 2005)

I am sorry, and hoping for a peaceful solution, whatever you decide. Hugs to you.


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## mamasgirls (Sep 8, 2004)

I'm so very sorry







My m/c ended up happening naturally over a weekend, the day before my dr's appt., so I didn't have to make any of the decisions of d&c/cytotec/natural. I do know the waiting game, though









I wish you peace and comfort and am so sorry you are going through this.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet babe. Praying for the wisdom for you to know what to do!


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I had our son last Monday at 14 weeks 2 days and I had retained most of my placenta. I took the cytotec, and while I did not have a great reaction to it (a lot of blood loss and very ill), I would do it again in a second rather than have a D&C. Just make sure you have someone with you. I did it alone and I would never recommend anyone do that because I had to call 911.

I also didn't think that the experience was that painful physically. I didn't take anything for pain, but I had also already had the baby. The experience of having the baby on Monday was a lot like a less painful version of labor. I think the psychological pain is so much worse than the physical, but, like I said, I would do it again over a D&C.

I am so happy that I was able to have Gavriel at home in peace and privacy. I was able to spend time with him, take photos, and say goodbye on my own schedule. There was no one there to tell me I was taking too long and I got to marvel over all of his tiny perfection. I wrapped him up and put him away when I was ready--not when anyone else thought I should be ready. I cannot imagine not having that--it has been such a comfort to me.

My heart is with you, mama. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## green_sturgeon (Feb 9, 2008)

Big







to you, mama. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I should have been due this coming Saturday, but I lost the baby in April. We saw the heartbeat with US at 7 weeks and heard it with Doppler at 10 weeks. I didn't have any indication anything was wrong until 13 weeks, when I started having some bleeding. An US at that point showed no heartbeat and the baby appeared to have stopped growing around 11 weeks. It's so heartbreaking...

I also took comfort in my toddler, nursing, cuddling, and telling myself I had to be strong for him. Be sure you also take time for yourself, though. I found I needed to give myself permission to grieve. And yes, having to tell people is really tough. My thoughts are with you, and you are not alone.

I chose the d&c but I had a really hard time with it. I wish I could have seen my baby. Best wishes with the Cytotec induction, and peace, light, and healing to you.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I"m so sorry. hugs hugs.....


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## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

MotherMama, thank you for sharing that with me. It does make me feel a little better, as I have been getting more & more nervous about the possibility of a bad experience with Cytotec, & starting to second-guess my decision to not do the D&C, but I really do want to avoid it if I can. Do you remember how many micrograms or how many tablets you inserted? My doctors said "they" (I'm assuming he's talking about ACOG or similar...) recommend 800 mcg, & to repeat after 24 hrs if necessary, but I'm worried about bad side effects at that dosage. He said he's willing to prescribe 400 mcg which I can insert once & then again in 6 hrs, & then again the next morning if need be. But I'm not sure if I should just endure the higher dosage if there is a better chance for success...? Do you have any thoughts on this?

This week has been so hard. My husband is supportive, but he's also angry at the world right now, & we've been arguing, which makes it so much worse. I feel like I'm barely holding it together. Luckily I have a close friend who is helping me a lot, & one of my sisters is coming over in the morning. I just wish my husband & I were more on the same page emotionally so I didn't feel so far apart from him right now, even though I know everyone has to grieve in their own way...


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## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks to everyone who has replied. The support is invaluable. I am trying to just take things day by day, moment by moment... The tears come often. I have started to put some things together for a memory box, & I'm very grateful I have some ultrasound pictures to put in there, even if this weekend doesn't go as planned & I end up needing the D&C.

Thanks again. It feels like one big virtual hug, which is just what I need right now.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I took 800mg orally (at my OB's behest), which I now know probably caused the vomiting and diarrhea. I have read that the stomach upset is not as bad if you take it vaginally. The OB gave me a 50% chance of it working but it only took that one dose. I don't know if that helps or not.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Oh, and I wanted to add that I think men, generally speaking (I know there are exceptions) process this differently than we do. Speaking to other women, I can see sort of a pattern to this. My husband likes to fix things and there is nothing he can fix with this. He has straight out told me that he didn't lose what I lost and that it is not the same for him. It wasn't his body, etc. So while he grieves, I don't think he feels it as acutely as I do. I have found that talking to other women has really helped me and it takes the pressure off of my husband to have to "fix" it for me.


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## green_sturgeon (Feb 9, 2008)

My husband also tends to react to grief (or any pain, really - physical or emotional) by getting angry at the universe. He also tried to be supportive, but at times was mean/angry/bitter toward me and we fought a lot too. And, yes, it did make dealing with the loss of the baby that much harder for me. It continued for a few months after my miscarriage (my story is #13 on this thread). He finally acknowledged that he was angry and picking fights with me because he was sad about the baby, and that he blamed me even though that made no sense. I told him I was angry at myself and my body too, even though the miscarriage was most likely not caused by anything I did or didn't do. Once he acknowledged his feelings, he could work through them a little better, but it was still hard. Two of our close friends (a couple who had also been through a miscarriage) were a big help too, acting as moderators and a sounding board for us. Now, six months out, we are doing much better. Hang in there and feel free to PM me if you want to talk or if there is anything I can do for you.

And here are lots and lots of hugs...





































Edited to add: I also wanted to say, like lisa_nc, I found talking to female friends really helpful and a way to get some of the understanding and empathy DH was having a hard time giving me. One friend in particular, who was also pregnant and about 6 weeks farther along than me, was wonderful - taking me out to lunch, laughing and crying with me, and just listening.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry. I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant when I miscarried this past Thursday, after increasing spotting and bleeding over the last week. I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday b/c of the bleeding, and was expecting to have to make the d&c, cytotec, or 'watch and wait' decision.
My miscarriage was only briefly painful, but there was a lot of bleeding as the baby came out, in an intact amniotic sac, 7 or 8 hours before the placenta. I wound up going to the ER, where the doctor decided I wouldn't need a d&c. I was still bleeding pretty heavily when I was released, & passed the placenta once I got home. My bleeding is pretty much over now--I passed one tiny piece of cord 2 nights ago, and that seemed to be the end of the bright bleeding. I go to the midwife Friday.
This is such a hard decision. I will be thinking of you.


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## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

There's also a drug that starts with an M that our mw friend says she uses for patients who aren't m/c ing on their own- something they also give for postpartum hemmorhage. It's what she would have recommended for me had i not gone on my own. Can't remember the name but maybe you can figure it out since you're in l&d. Prayers for you in this difficult week. If you want i'll email her and find out what it is - email me at [email protected] since i'm not always checking mdc.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

MamaGrove, just wondering how you're doing. *hug*


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## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks, Erika, for the info & the prayers.

There are a few "M" drugs, one of which is actually the generic name for Cytotec (Misoprostol); there's also Mifepristone (RU-486), which is a progesterone blocker, & Methotrexate, which is often given for ectopic pregnancies as well. For "missed" miscarriage, the latter two are used only in combination with Cytotec, as far as I can tell from what I've read... And at 10 wks, Cytotec alone is the recommendation, b/c supposedly there isn't so much progesterone circulating that the Mifepristone is useful, & too far along for the Methotrexate to work b/c it's not as strong as Cytotec in causing uterine contractions. (I've been doing internet "research" all week from home, & this is what I've found, FWIW. Not all the sites were exactly "medical expert" in nature...). I am going to ask my doctor about it, though, just to be sure. I have an appt tomorrow to get the scripts. Whatever is going to increase my chances of success I suppose I'm willing to consider.

I will PM this to you as well, but wanted to post in case the info can be useful to anyone else.

Oh, and Cytotec/Misoprostol is what we give sometimes for postpartum hemorrhage, so that is probably what your mw was talking about.


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## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks, Sanguine. I'm hanging in there. Some days have been better than others, some moments are better than others...

Writing the letter feels like it helped a lot.

As far as physically, I'm unfortunately still doing fine. I never thought I would be so eager to have to go through something like this, but it is hard being in this "limbo." I thought I was having some cramps on & off yesterday, but no spotting or anything, & no cramping today. Tomorrow my husband is taking off work to come with me to the doctor. He's going to write me the prescriptions for this weekend, & I think I'm going to ask him to do one more quick ultrasound in the office, just so I can see my baby one more time, & so that my husband can see, too. He has only seen the pictures, & I don't think it's as real to him b/c of that.

After the doctor's office, we're going to take our daughter & spend the day at a pumpkin farm. That was what we had been planning to do all month on Saturday, but now we'll have to do other, not so pleasant things, & our daughter will be spending the weekend at Grandma's while we do that. It was important to me that we still spend that "family day" together, even despite what is going on. Is that weird?

How are you doing?


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