# "You're so lucky."



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Today my hair stylist told me she's trying to get pregnant. I said, "Me too." then she mentioned that she had a miscarriage years ago and wonders if it will happen again. I told her about our baby. She asked how many weeks I was and when I said, "8" she said, "OH! You're so lucky!! You had yours before it was a _real_ baby. Mine was at 16 weeks." I sat there while she washed my hair and nearly started crying. All I could get out was, "It was a real baby to us. I'm sorry you lost your baby." and she said, "Funny how our emotions interpret things, huh?" and I said, "Not really."

WTF?!!!! That's one of the most insensitive things anyone has said to me, and it came from someone that's "been there." Oy.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

That is terrible!! I am so sorry.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I can't believe she said that. I can't understand how she wouldn't be more sensitive to how you feel, given that she's also lost a baby. That's horrible. I'm so sorry.


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## AlexMomma (May 29, 2009)

I have had 3 early losses and I have gotten the "at least it was early" many times. People just don't seem to realize how heartbreaking it is. But for someone who has also had a loss to say that? Pretty insensitive.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

That sounds painful. Maybe she's thought over and over, "I wish I would have lost the baby earlier, it would have been less painful." Know what I mean?


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## lucy_v (Jan 21, 2009)

I'm sorry, Aurora. That was a horribly insensitive and just plain stupid thing for her to say. People constantly amaze me, both in good and bad ways. I probably wouldn't go back to that hairdresser again.


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## Agatha_Ann (Apr 5, 2009)

I am so sorry. I don't understand how people can be so insensitive. I appreciate your strength to say the words you did to her, I don't know if I would have been able to stand up for myself like that. I hope she went home and thought about what you said.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Wow. I don't think anyone would like me very much around here if that's the way _I_ thought about things. I am so sorry you had to hear something so insensitive!

*HUGE hugs* mama - don't feel negated. She's just plain wrong. XXX


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

I am so sorry that you had to encounter such an insensitive person. The things people say (yes, even close relatives) really amaze me sometimes. I had two loses both at 6wks. To me the lose of a child no matter how many weeks is still heartwrenching. The "you're so lucky" statement really makes me














, mama.


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## lavender_mama (May 11, 2009)

I lost two babies fairly recently, one a 6 weeks and one at 8. They both hurt equally, and I don't think it would have hurt any more if I had lost them at 16. It sounds like she was trying to make you feel better by telling you that it could have been worse, but it was not a very well thought out plan! I'm so sorry. Sounds like inadvertent insensitivity, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Wow, that is freaking horrible. What an unfair statement.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

YUCK. Sorry you had to hear that Aurora.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Yes, that was insensitive. (((HUGS)))


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Some people don't think before they speak....and they really should! Sorry she said that


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## tayndrewsmama (May 25, 2004)

It sounds to me like she's been around those chemicals too long. How insensitive. Some people really don't think before they speak.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Yikes. Maybe she was wishing she had lost her baby earlier due to the pain, though she doesn't realize it would have hurt then as well??
I'm so sorry. I've gotten insensitive remarks from 2 relatives and it hurts each time. Neither one has kids and they just don't understand.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Oh, I'm so sorry, Aurora. What a horrid thing to say! *hugs*


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

That is incredibly messed up. That's all I can say (cause I have written several paragraphs but realized that Im to angry to think straight).
Im so very sorry you had to go through that Momma!


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I had an 8 and a 16 week loss. I don't think the 8 was any less a baby...

so sorry.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Thanks ladies. I knew you'd understand.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

ugh. That was a horrendous thing to say.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

I'm so sorry for her insensitivity! I mean (and not to be any more insensitive), but her baby was no more of a baby than your baby was. (Your baby was a baby, and her baby was a baby -- hers was no better, yours was no less.) If there were some sort of reasonable break in this whole journey of loss -- some level of "worseness" -- wouldn't it be more around the point of viability or at term? Her baby, though maybe a bit more baby shaped, was no more capable of living outside of the womb than your baby was. Both of your heartbreak was equally bad. People are motivated by their own pain -- I'm sure that's the place where her comment came from.

In this pregnancy, I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels every 3-4 days. After a number of draws, the lab tech asked why I was having my blood taken so often. I simply told her we had a history of first trimester loss (but I didn't get into the number of our losses, our second trimester loss, my incompetent cervix, my battle with PTL, extensive bedrest, the fact that this pregnancy began as a very rare, very risky heterotopic pregnancy that may be lost even with all the interventions, etc.) -- frankly, it was none of her business. Immediately, she replied with, "Oh, I had a loss much worse than that. I was 16 weeks and in maternity clothes and EVERYTHING!" She didn't even know me or my story and suddenly she was more familiar with pain and grief than I ever could have been.

The pain of your loss is real and significant, and I'm so sorry that someone treated you so insensitively. Particularly someone whose BTDT.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I have lost a baby at full term and one at 10 weeks. They are very different, but both incredibly painful and both very much a "real" baby. I am sorry for your loss.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

as a woman who pushed out a gray dead baby when i thought i was birthing my live son







i think she meant thank goodness you didn't have to birth it... but what is really shocking was her reaction to your tears! couldn't she see that all of our lost babies are missed and we ache for them?







i am beginning to understand this more as i face the scary 1st trimester again. i am reminded of how hard it is to make it out of the statistics and how painful it would be to lose a baby at any stage! Even if an earlier loss is less physically taxing it is still a loss and an emotionally painful experience.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. I don't read anything into her comments except that she thought her loss was real and yours wasn't. I don't think she was trying to offer comfort, just to one-up you in the category of lost children.

This is the perfect example of why people need to learn to just say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and leave it at that. If she had wanted to say that she had been in the same shoes and had also lost a child that would have been kind, but to try and tell you how to feel about your own loss or that her's was greater - UGH!

And, ditto to Amanda. I hope these ladies had a chance to really hear what they said and had the opportunity to think about it and vow to not say such a thing again.

I'm sorry for your loss, Aurora, and I'm sorry you had to encounter such a UAV. Hugs to you and I hope you are feeling better.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
as a woman who pushed out a gray dead baby when i thought i was birthing my live son







i think she meant thank goodness you didn't have to birth it... but what is really shocking was her reaction to your tears! couldn't she see that all of our lost babies are missed and we ache for them?







i am beginning to understand this more as i face the scary 1st trimester again. i am reminded of how hard it is to make it out of the statistics and how painful it would be to lose a baby at any stage! Even if an earlier loss is less physically taxing it is still a loss and an emotionally painful experience.





































Abbey,

I totally get it. While I didn't go through labor and the physical recovery of birth, I did have a D&C and still have residual trauma from having my baby sucked through a tube. Period cramps trigger memories from the procedure and I've had to take anti-anxiety meds to get through the night when my cramps are bad. There's an unease that comes with never holding your child, not knowing if it was a boy or girl, all of it makes me feel very illegitimate as a mother.


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

I can see her point from the viewpoint of someone whose loss was early and relatively easy. I didn't get far along enough to show or buy baby clothes, and when the pregnancy ended there was weeks and weeks of bleeding, but no labor, no procedures, nothing baby-shaped. It was painful, but I did count my blessings that I hadn't gone through something worse. I try, even in my worst moments, to remember that others have endured more. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

That said, I think it's one thing to say that from my side of things and another to say it from the other, where it seems more like minimizing someone else's pain.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
Abbey,

I totally get it. While I didn't go through labor and the physical recovery of birth, I did have a D&C and still have residual trauma from having my baby sucked through a tube. Period cramps trigger memories from the procedure and I've had to take anti-anxiety meds to get through the night when my cramps are bad. There's an unease that comes with never holding your child, not knowing if it was a boy or girl, all of it makes me feel very illegitimate as a mother.

i am so sorry! yes, of course a D&C and miscarrying is physically taxing








i think i meant this as some kind of explanation of what she meant but i didn't mean to reopen the wound for you.







i live in daily fear of miscarrying now and did for that entire 1st trimester with Milos so i will never (and i hope i haven't) belittled yours or anyones miscarriage. Please accept my deepest apologies for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.
i too feel like an illegitimate mother







we share that and so much else no matter what stage we lost our babies we are still sisters in loss


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Can I say as a mom that parented in blissful ignorance for 9 years, that loosing my son took me to a new depth in mothering that I couldn't even conceive of before. Loving and loosing a child is the ultimate act of mothering in my books. You are truly mothers, absolutely legitimate.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
i am so sorry! yes, of course a D&C and miscarrying is physically taxing








i think i meant this as some kind of explanation of what she meant but i didn't mean to reopen the wound for you.







i live in daily fear of miscarrying now and did for that entire 1st trimester with Milos so i will never (and i hope i haven't) belittled yours or anyones miscarriage. Please accept my deepest apologies for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.
i too feel like an illegitimate mother







we share that and so much else no matter what stage we lost our babies we are still sisters in loss









Oh no! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I wasn't offended!! This is what I get for using my iPhone to respond - my answers are always terse! Sorry!!









You didn't belittle me or anything. I knew what you were saying. You're such a sweetheart.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
Can I say as a mom that parented in blissful ignorance for 9 years, that loosing my son took me to a new depth in mothering that I couldn't even conceive of before. Loving and loosing a child is the ultimate act of mothering in my books. You are truly mothers, absolutely legitimate.









so beautifully said! made me tear up...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
Oh no! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I wasn't offended!! This is what I get for using my iPhone to respond - my answers are always terse! Sorry!!









You didn't belittle me or anything. I knew what you were saying. You're such a sweetheart.









whew!







so glad i didn't put my foot in my mouth like it thought i did but i was grateful for the opportunity to make "amends" to women here who've miscarried







because i know i've been guilty of occasionally thinking there is a difference between us but the divide is not a big as some might think!


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

aurora, i'm so sorry to hear how insensitive she was to your grief.

comparing grief is so inappropriate. when i wsa in the hospital a few days ago, my NURSE told me that i should be grateful that at least i didn't have a full grown child that needed cancer treatment, like her friend did. she said this to me as i held my 34 week stillborn baby. some people just don't realize what's coming out of their mouth.

your baby WAS your baby and your grief is real. big hugs to you!


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## [email protected] mama (May 9, 2009)

Wow, that's hurtful! Sorry she was so flippant about it.


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 

comparing grief is so inappropriate. when i wsa in the hospital a few days ago, my NURSE told me that i should be grateful that at least i didn't have a full grown child that needed cancer treatment, like her friend did. she said this to me as i held my 34 week stillborn baby. some people just don't realize what's coming out of their mouth.

Wow- that is so callous!







At least her child got to grow up and live a life. And they are being treated, not lost! I am so sorry to all of you mommas going through this.

I only told my sis (IRL) about my losses because they were early, and she was the only one that knew I was pregnant to begin with. She was always supportive, and sad with me. I have told the lovely ladies of this board about my story, and they are always so wonderfully kind to everyone here!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Oh man...







I just had a loss at 6 1/2 weeks and it was very much a "real baby." You were more gracious than I could have been.


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## NaturalMindedMomma (Feb 5, 2007)

I had losses at 5,6,10 and 12 weeks. They were ALL horrible. They were MY babies and I loved them the moment I peed on the stick and saw the positive.

I am so so sorry. I would not go back to her. I am so tired of people who are so emotionally STUPID that instead of just saying SORRY, they have to elaborate and show how IGNORANT they are.

I remember when I MCed my 5 week pregnancy. I had so many people tell me to just get over it, it wasn't a baby, even my exH and my mom told me "It was just a ball of cells". When I went to the hospital recently for PTL the nurse asked me about my history and I told her about my 4 mc's and then I said, "but 1 was only at 5 weeks". She looked at me and held my hand and said, "I am so sorry you lost your baby, honey. 5 weeks is still pregnant and it HURTS". I realized I have been writing off my pain and experience because of OTHERS perception.

Anyway, I am so so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful baby is precious. Much healing.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

just WOW


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## vermontmomma (May 29, 2009)

i'm so sorry that that happened! i don't know if i would have been able to handle the situation with such grace.
homesteading new momma







:














: green mountains














:














aspiring novelist and children's book author


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## milliegirl (Apr 3, 2006)

I've heard insensitive comments like that from people who haven't been through it, but it is almost shocking to me that this came from someone who has lost a baby as well. The pain one feels from the loss of a child is not quantitative! I'm so sorry


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm always amazed at how horribly insensitive people can be, but it is somehow worse when it comes from someone who has BEEN there. I am so sorry.


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## Anassa54 (Mar 30, 2008)

How does she know when it becomes a real baby? Is there proof that brain activity starts at exactly the same time during the pregnancy in every baby?


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