# The ILs came to visit and things got messed up



## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

I want to start with the fact that my ILs are lovely people. They have been awesome. And have done a lot for me.

But...... (ya knew that was coming).....

They visited this past weekend and there was some issues. My FIL is a pedi and my MIL was a L&D/pedi nurse. They are mainstream. Period. I respect it (don't agree, but can respect).

So, DH and I went to dinner and they know I am against CIO. And they DID it to my son. Without discussing it with me! And then there was the comment that he needs to see a sleep specialist because he can not sleep through the night! WHAT? And then there was a few comments about nursing an 18 month old (I said I was going to wean when DS goes to college!) and then the "speech delay" because he signs.

The big one was the CIO. I am so upset they did that. And they did not get it. I didn't say much because I wanted to talk to DH about it. He said to let it go because they are not around that much and they aren't going to suddenly "get it".

But THEN, DH starts talking about having DS sleep in his bed!!!! DH hasn't been sleeping well because DS is not sleeping well because he is teething and weaning from his pacifier.

I work full time. That is time I get to spend with my son. That is time that I get to nurse him freely. I told DH that I would start sleeping in my son's bed with him (twin size) if it came to it. So, I guess tonight, we are sleeping in the twin while DH sleeps in the queen. Oh yes, this will be a ton of fun.

What do I do??


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Sleep in the queen! If your dh wants to go sleep in the twin, that's his call. I always told my dh that he was free to sleep elsewhere, and he never did...


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Ah! I am hoping he will feel bad for making us cram into the twin.... He says he does not sleep well in A's room. Not sure why, he just doesn't.

DH supports me in a lot of things, but I think he wants to have me in the bed and not have to worry about DS. He works full time and is getting his MBA part time, so I can understand. I am just not on board with night weaning and putting DS in his own room, yet. He is only 18 months old! Honestly, he is still a baby (a walking, crawling, talking baby, but definitely a baby!).

Blah. I think that this on top of the "you will have a damaged baby if you try to have a VBAC homebirth" from MIL just made this a hard one for me. Thanks. Again, my feelings on this do not matter.....

I guess this was bigger than just co-sleeping!


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 
Sleep in the queen! If your dh wants to go sleep in the twin, that's his call. I always told my dh that he was free to sleep elsewhere, and he never did...


and in response to him not sleeping well in the twin bed room, just say, we don't either.







and take your little one to bed, queen bed, with you.


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## pife (Nov 7, 2008)

Wow, my heart goes out to you. I would be REALLY frosted if my IL's knowingly went against my parenting, esp. regarding CIO. I'd be inclined to send them the complete set od Dr. Sear's books.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pife* 
Wow, my heart goes out to you. I would be REALLY frosted if my IL's knowingly went against my parenting, esp. regarding CIO. I'd be inclined to send them the complete set od Dr. Sear's books.

I totally agree-except I wouldn't waste the money on them. Your poor baby =( I'm sorry that it's causing even more problems now with your husband!


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

My FIL is Mr. AAP. So, it is good some times, other times, it is a pain in the butt. And DH is normally so supportive, but, he is exhausted and not thinking right. I mean, he said that he would support a homebirth!

Argh. I hate this.....


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

No way!!! I would tell dh to sleep in the twin and if he wants to raise the baby with his mommy and daddy, he should have had a baby with them. But this is your baby and you will not go to the twin for him. No way would I sleep in the twin over this. Oh..and his parents would never babysit again..ever, and it would be a long time before they would be allowed to visit again. Your dh needs to grow some balls and defend his family rather than trying to get you to fold to his mommy and daddy.

I am so sorry. (((hugs))) Honestly though, I have BDTD big time and until you take a hardline with your dh, it will get worse.


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## AlicesMama (Nov 23, 2008)

I would wait for DH to have some sleep (like 1 night) and then have a discussion about it. If he is usually reasonable then I would try not to break down that good will that is usually there. Not easy to restrain yourself but I'd have a go.

I do think though that you should take priority on the sleep surfaces. We do. Well I guess again it depends on DH. My DH can sleep anywhere so he doesn't mind being in a twin. He can sleep standing up! I am a very bad sleeper so I get the bigger bed with DD. He knows I need it more. And if I am more rested his life is much much better!


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Your dh probably IS exhausted - and to tell you the truth, I'd be advocating for you to transition your ds to his own bed if you were a SAHM. Since you are WOH, I think a very different set of priorities apply. The kid needs a mommy fix at night! The mommy needs a baby fix at night! The Dad might WANT a mommy fix, but being an adult, he does not NEED one.

I have BTDT with a variety of working and cosleeping permutations, and now that I am SAH and my dh is WOH everybody is getting all the mommy time they need and I'm not getting pulled in fifty different directions all the time. But obviously, that setup is not possible for most working people. My dh writes software, which is very possible to do from a home office.

It sounds like the visit was a total mess in a lot of ways, and your little family probably just needs a week or so to detox from it. Sleep in the twin with ds if that will avoid a fight, but don't give in on the essential principle of cosleeping/night nursing to meet his needs. When you sense that your husband has pulled it together and gained a little perspective and distance, then have a little refresher talk with him about how the AAP and the ACOG pursue policies that produce a statistically inferior results to the policies pursued by doctors in other countries, and that both of you want to make the BEST decisions, not just the decisions that are the most popular in a country that loses (and "damages") a higher proportion of babies every year than impoverished island nations like Cuba. He probably already knows all this, but has just been thrown for a loop by being around his parents.

The mamas (and papas) who get the best results in the face of grandparental ignorance seem to be the ones who do what they are gonna do without losing their calm demeanor. "Thank you for your input, I have decided that VBAC is the best choice for me and the baby." "Thank you for your input, I have decided that CIO has a lasting negative affect on my son." I'm sure it's very hard to do, but there are a lot of women around here who have mastered the fine art of asserting themselves with the extended family. You, too, can do it!


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## mommy2two babes (Feb 7, 2007)

I don't understand why you don't want to sleep in the twin with DS.
Since my DD was 1 I have been sleepin gin a separate bedroom with her ( we started out sharing a single.) We have now moved to a single and a double pushed together. We do this because DH doesn't sleep well with the kids in the bed and we don't like getting woken up by his frequent night time movement or his alarm in the morning.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Oh. The twin bed. Well, it is small. And I am very cold and DS is always very hot so there tends to be a lot of figuring out how to keep me warm and him from sweating. I don't have anything against the twin, just went there is a queen size bed to sleep in, then it just doesn't make sense....

We slept in the queen last night. DH offered to sleep in the twin.

DH does not like to fight. And so, he tends to hold things in. It made me realize he has been holding some stuff in. And that means that hopefully, after a break from school, he can get enough sleep so that we can talk it over.

My other thought is to write a letter to my MIL to explain how it felt disrespectful and hurt me. Basically, a "I know you meant well, but that really hurt my feelings and so we will need to change things a bit for the future (i.e. trip to Hawaii in June)". Maybe site a few studies. But I have not seen much on toddler co-sleeping.

Is there a list somewhere of what countries have high rates of co-sleeping as well as how long they tend to co-sleep?

There is also a possibility that we may move after June across the country. I don't want to try any major transitions until then. But, if that works out, then I would be a SAHM, and then, a whole different set of priorities would happen.

When we tried to talk about all this during the weekend, I told DH there was no point in having a child if we were only going to spend 2 hours a day with him. We could have gotten a dog instead (if a child was too inconvienent for us). I was tired, he was tired. That comment hurt him (I could tell).

We are really tired. Something is going to have to give if we don't move to Maryland. i don't think we can do this for 2 more years.

I really appreciate the support


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Quote:

The mamas (and papas) who get the best results in the face of grandparental ignorance seem to be the ones who do what they are gonna do without losing their calm demeanor. "Thank you for your input, I have decided that VBAC is the best choice for me and the baby." "Thank you for your input, I have decided that CIO has a lasting negative affect on my son." I'm sure it's very hard to do, but there are a lot of women around here who have mastered the fine art of asserting themselves with the extended family. You, too, can do it!
The hard part on this is that grandpa can out cite studies on me! He has the whole AAP supporting him! I have taken to start lying about things and DH knows it. But DH knows why. I hate having him in that situation.....


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

*extra post*


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Climbergirl* 
and then the "speech delay" because he signs.

how is that a speech delay? ugh. My pretty mainstream DH is pumped about signing (waaay more then I ever imagined!) because early language skills are important!

signing causes speech delays. thats rich.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

*double post*


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## pife (Nov 7, 2008)

Instead of saying that they hurt your feeling I would say they disrespected you. Try to take the emotions out of it. I would also tell my FIL that comparing studies with you is a waste of time and that you are going forward with choices and that you hope that he can respect them if not support them. A mothers intuition as to what her child needs is very powerful and you need to continue to trust yourself. I found that when I gave into the choices DH and I had made re co-sleeping, night nursing etc...the lack of sleep was less exhausting - if that makes any sense. The judging and second guessing was making me resentful and frustrated at night. It was good to let it go.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

grandparent-inflicted sleep training is a dealbreaker for us, and the GPs all know it. they can do things our way in that regard, or else not do any solo bedtimes with DD. other stuff i am flexible on--they might not give her organic milk, they might feed her something i wouldn't, but i can let those things go.

anyone who lets my baby cry on purpose will get one warning and then never be alone with her again until she's much much older.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I don't think you need to discuss it with the ILs. They just apparently cannot be trusted to watch your child. I would not leave them alone with your son anymore. If they ask, tell them straight out the reason is that they went against your express wishes as a parent, and you only leave your DS in the care of people who respect your parenting decisions. Period.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Sorry my post was posted so many times earlier! I am at work and I keep having to login....

Quote:

I don't think you need to discuss it with the ILs. They just apparently cannot be trusted to watch your child. I would not leave them alone with your son anymore. If they ask, tell them straight out the reason is that they went against your express wishes as a parent, and you only leave your DS in the care of people who respect your parenting decisions. Period.
So, what do you do when you have chosen these very people to raise your child if, heaven forbid, someone HAD to? My crazy mother can't. My sister can't and I am not gung ho about my BIL. My uncle, maybe can, but he has an autistic teenager to support. So, there we are, my ILs ended up being the best choice.

I think i have to talk to them about it. And I think a letter would be the best for me. Oh, that one will take a while.....


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Climbergirl* 
So, what do you do when you have chosen these very people to raise your child if, heaven forbid, someone HAD to? My crazy, alcoholic mother can't. My sister can't and I am not gung ho about my BIL. My uncle, maybe can, but he has an autistic teenager to support. So, there we are, my ILs ended up being the best choice.

I think i have to talk to them about it. And I think a letter would be the best for me. Oh, that one will take a while.....

I think it's somewhat rare and special when parents can name guardians for their children that they trust to raise their children like they themselves do. Let's face it: we're our children's parents, and nobody can do as good a job as we can.

DH and I named people we love and trust but who will not raise DD like we will. We can only do the best we can. (By the way, you don't have to name family - have you considered friends?).

But ultimately I think this is a process. You SHOW the guardians how you raise your child. You talk with them, not in a "let's talk" mode but just over dinner, while strolling around the neighborhood, while you're waiting for the movie to begin - about your child, and how he responds really well to XYZ, how it's so important to you that he feel safe and secure and supported.

You can also add to your documents a writeup of your parental values.

But at the end of the day, if your ILs have to godforbid take on this duty, they will parent how they parent. But possibly using GD methods on them might help open their eyes. It doesn't mean you have to trust them to take care of your baby now, just because there's a one in a million chance that they might have to take care of him later.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I don't think you need to discuss it with the ILs. They just apparently cannot be trusted to watch your child. I would not leave them alone with your son anymore. If they ask, tell them straight out the reason is that they went against your express wishes as a parent, and you only leave your DS in the care of people who respect your parenting decisions. Period.

I agree with laohaire. As far as worrying about both of you dying and having to leave your son in your in laws care, I think you need not let that worry prevent you from protecting him from them now. Over time of you sticking to your conviction of raising your son how you see is best, perhaps your in laws will (after a couple years) finally get it and learn that they must respect your decision as your son's parent.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"The hard part on this is that grandpa can out cite studies on me!"

It's only a contest if you make it one. "Thank you for your input, I've decided to..." is a conversation ender. If the other person keeps talking, you have the right to look at them as though they are having an inappropriate outburst. When they pause for breath, again, it's "thank you for your input, I've decided to..." just over and over and over again until you pound it through their thick skulls.

It sounds like a transition to SAHM would be great for you family, and I hope you can make that happen! I love being a SAHM, and it really does take the edge off of parenting debates when all parties are not totally exhausted all the time.

WRT your in-laws, custody, letters etc: I say 1) go to Hawaii and practice your "thank you for your input" tactic while basking in the sun, 2) don't write a letter, if you can't say it in person you probably shouldn't say it at all and 3) at the end of the day, be GLAD that there are two loving, stable people invested in your child's life who are prepared to take him in if the worst should happen. He will have a different life if you die, no question. But that is going to be true even if you find godparents who are your total clones in parenting style.

You can't control what happens after your death. But you can 100% control what happens with your kid right here, right now, and if you say no CIO then no CIO it shall be. The Hawaii vacation would probably be a great time to have that issue come up - they'll offer you a night out, and you'll refuse, and they'll see that you Really Mean It about CIO.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 

WRT your in-laws, custody

at the end of the day, be GLAD that there are two loving, stable people invested in your child's life who are prepared to take him in if the worst should happen. He will have a different life if you die, no question. But that is going to be true even if you find godparents who are your total clones in parenting style.

You can't control what happens after your death. But you can 100% control what happens with your kid right here, right now, and if you say no CIO then no CIO it shall be. The Hawaii vacation would probably be a great time to have that issue come up - they'll offer you a night out, and you'll refuse, and they'll see that you Really Mean It about CIO.

Smithie, you said what I was trying to so much better.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Thanks for the reassurance on them taking Aiden if we couldn't raise him. I needed to hear that!

How do I get off my chest that they were disrespectful? I would like to think that since we are all adults, that I can communicate that to them? I was thinking a letter or email would tone down the emotions a bit (mine in particular, since i am a little hot headed). Right now, I don't want to answer the phone when they call and that is not a good place to be. I am seriously mad at them! I don't want to damage an otherwise great relationship with them.

Should I bite the bullet and just call?

Quote:

It's only a contest if you make it one.
You are so right! Thanks for reminding me of that very simple, but VERY important fact!


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## ABmom (Mar 6, 2008)

I really think that you should have a talk with dh regarding the sleeping arrangement and NOT put him on the defensive (aka. take it or leave it attitude.) My friend was advised to give her dh the ultimatum of her wanting to cosleep and he should just deal with it (aka go sleep somewhere else.) Well...he did end up sleeping somewhere else...another woman's bed. I know that this is the extreme case as I'm sure the guy has faults of his own already but do have a talk with your dh to work out a plan that is a win/win situation. My bothers practice the family bed until the kids were 5 yrs old. What they did to solve the problem of small bed, not enough room, too wiggly babies, etc was have two queen sized bed in their room. There's not much space left for anything else but it works for them as the dressers were moved intothe other room.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

I didn't do that, DH just knows I am not going to just start putting Aiden in another room and he needs sleep. I offered to sleep in the twin and he said he would. I didn't wholeheartedly do it, but he knew I would.

I will talk to DH about all of this. When he is more rested. But what comes out has to be something that respects all of our needs. He wants me in the bed with just us. Partially so he can sleep. Partially so he can cuddle next to me. Aiden is not going to understand that. So, we have to do things slowly. If we do anything at all.

We are supposed to hear more about MD by the end of April. I think this job would really help us all. We are working on getting a good idea of our finances. I have mentioned maybe quitting my job or at least going to part time. It would financially be hard on us though. And we are not sure if it would be harder to have me quit or harder for me to work. But, the move would be a significant pay increase, and that would mitigate that some.

It is amazing how precious sleep is.

I do worry about alienating DH. I hate that he feels he is getting the short end of this. At any rate, we would have to do this slowly because we would also have to night wean. That is 2 major transitions and that will take time. I am not ready to night wean. I don't believe my son is either. So, we will have to see.

I wish we had bought a king size bed. DH says I would take over the whole thing either way so there would be no difference in the room he would get. He does have a sense of humor


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Oh, how I remember the sleep deprivation. Our son didn't sleep more than two hours at a stretch until he was 18 months old. At 4 yo he is finally learning how to sleep. It is rough.

As far as your ILs - you're not ready to talk to them. Work through your anger first. Then, when they want to watch your son ask them point blank if they plan to use CIO. If they ask why then tell them they know your parenting decision to not use CIO and they went against your wishes. You're the parents and if they are going to use CIO again they won't be watching him when he needs sleep. They'll get the message quickly. Tell them they can either hold him or lay with him while he sleeps (and enjoy the beauty of it) or they can only watch him during the day and not at nap time. Maybe even make a little light of it that if they "spoil" him by holding him they get to give him back to his parents. Isn't that every grandparents secret dream?

But, if the humor won't work just let them know that your decisions on how to raise your son will not be disrespected again. Their choice. They don't have to agree with it but they do have to respect you two as your son's parents.

Best wishes!


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

i would never let someone who believed in CIO babysit my child.

if i found out that someone (including my dd's godparents-- my parents) left her to CIO, they would never babysit again for nap/bed time while i was alive.

that may sound harsh, but anyone who takes care of my daughter (so far only my parents) knows EXACTLY how i feel about CIO. it's one of the very few things i would not forgive.


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

Ok - regarding the sleeping situation with the 3 of you - can you get a king size bed? Or can you bring the twin bed in and put it next to the queen - maybe on the floor, so that all 3 are the same height? We have the latter set-up, primarily because it became clear around 18 months that DH being in the bed was waking up DS. Also, I feel like now that DS has lots of space to roll away and be in his own spot, he can learn gradually what it's like to sleep in his own space. We sleep with Dh on the twin, me next to him on the queen, and DS next to me. In a king bed, this set-up would be more cuddle friendly for you and DH. I really think that you need to make sure that your DH knows that you hear his concerns/needs, even as you (rightly) refuse to consider nightweaning.

I have to say that the impression that I get from your posts and your descriptions of everyone is that you and your family - IL's included - are all really wonderful people who love each other a lot. Do you happen to know *why* they let your DS CIO? Maybe they didn't know what else to do? Maybe DS isn't ready to be left like that? Mine certainly isn't. I think I wouldn't mention it unless the offer to babysit comes up again - and then state your reason - we don't do CIO - but maybe in a way that is as peaceful as possible - if one can be found.


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## uumomma (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 
Sleep in the queen! If your dh wants to go sleep in the twin, that's his call. I always told my dh that he was free to sleep elsewhere, and he never did...









:


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

Quote:

Do you happen to know *why* they let your DS CIO?
Yes. Because AAP says that he can sleep through the night at *insert some number I ignored* and there are X study and Y study that shows that babies can self soothe (blah, blah - I was too upset to pay attention).

My FIL is a pediatrician. So really, they thought they were doing a good thing.

My MIL and her mom took care of Aiden once and they did not do CIO. They rocked him to sleep and put him down and they said he woke up once around 2am. We had gone on a trip for my DH work and so when they called after the first night, I suggested giving him something to drink at that point and things were fine. So, I guess that is why this partially caught me off guard. They (well my MIL at least) had respected my wishes before.

My DH ignored the "he needs to see a sleep specialist because he does not sleep through the night" comment from my FIL. I honestly thought my FIL was kidding, which he wasn't. DH countered with the, "when did I start sleeping through the night" and the answer was 2! 2 YEARS OLD! Yes, so why must the son of the 2 year old starting to sleep through the night will be doing it at 18 months?

At least we get to tease my FIL about the mobile in his daughter's crib that she could pull on (strangulation hazard), the fluffy sheepskin in the crib (no flat sheet there) and her sleeping on her stomach (lord, how did she survive!).

It is almost like he has lost touch with the real world!

I am sure he things I am one of those hippy crunchy moms. Oh yeah, I AM ONE!









DH and I talked tonight and we both agreed that anything must be done slowly and with respect of all of our needs. And with the potential transition, now is not a good time for any of that. DH actually slept well last night and I hope he sleeps in the twin again.

We actually have the crib butted up to our queen but Aiden does not go in there much. I am usually using it to stretch out a bit. Works pretty well, but apparently, not good enough. But it has been COLD at night (ok, cold for us, we live in CA) but the house is old so there is a lot of snuggling going on.

I feel better now


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## Lily Eve (Feb 15, 2008)

Climbergirl, your FIL is WRONG. Please go to this website, and read about Dr. James McKenna and his work as an anthropologist and the director of sleep studies at Notre Dame on infants and babies. There are peer-reviewed pdfs of work he has done in here with plenty of things to cite that your FIL should read.

Basically, even though pediatricians would like it if babies could adapt to the new western worldview of sleeping through the night in cribs, that STILL does not change the fact that for MILLIONS of years, our species have been co-sleeping and that it is impossible to biologically change babies in such a short space of time.

Whether you believe that evolution happened by nature or God, what Dr. James McKenna cites in his papers are FACTS that your FIL cannot and will not dispute. He needs to educate himself. Also, in medical school prospective doctors learn about functions of the body, and that is all. They do not learn parenting skills in medical school, nor do they study things from an anthropological perspective, which I currently am at the moment. Here is the link below to McKenna's website:

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/mckenna.html

Also, here is another short, but nice little website: http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Lily Eve, thank you for that McKenna link. I don't know why I didn't think to add it to my post.

I will go look at your other link.


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## KimPM (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I don't think you need to discuss it with the ILs. They just apparently cannot be trusted to watch your child. I would not leave them alone with your son anymore. If they ask, tell them straight out the reason is that they went against your express wishes as a parent, and you only leave your DS in the care of people who respect your parenting decisions. Period.

YES, THIS! I was just about to write something like this.

I'd also just let them know that your parenting choices are not up for discussion. But only if they bring it up.


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

My sister is saying the same thing







Make it clear when we are in Hawaii (because I know they are going to offer) that we do not let him CIO and be very, very clear about it. She said they would "get" that they made me unhappy before.

I guess that goes with everything else too.

I need to come up with a good response to the random "Aiden should be doing XYZ by now". XYZ is usually talking, sleeping through the night, weaned, etc.

I am much calmer about it now. On Monday, I was ready to call them up and let them hear it! I am glad I did not do that


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

Just to affirm... You have every right to be upset that your ILs let DS CIO against your wishes.

I tried to let DS CIO a few times, tried to get him to sleep through the night at 4 mos (even though I'm a bf WOH mom), and other parenting mistakes. We learned it didn't work, went back to responding and cosleeping, and he's fine. What matters most is the longterm pattern. Your ILs were/are wrong, but your lo will recover.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Haven't read all of the responses, but I would tell your IL's to mind their own business. You are the parents, not them. I also would never ever allow them to babysit your child again. They completely disregarded your wishes and disrespected you. You now know that they will do whatever they think is right with your child, regardless of how you feel about it.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"I also would never ever allow them to babysit your child again."

I think this is a really unproductive path to go down. The goal should be for you LO to have a fantastic relationship with his grandparents and be able to trust them to meet his needs in any situation. That might not be possible, but you'll never know if you give up without trying!

They let him CIO. Once. They did not burn him with cigarettes or let him wander into the street while they were getting high in the living room. There are ways to modify the unacceptable behavior that do not involve restricting access to their grandchild as a first step. They didn't endanger his safety - they just freaked him out a little bit. This is not the last time that inexplicable adult behavior will freak the kid out.

Remember, even though the OP is wicked ticked off right now, she has said that she has a generally positive relationship with her ILs and believes that they adore her son. Family relationships like that are pretty precious IMO.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 
"I also would never ever allow them to babysit your child again."

I think this is a really unproductive path to go down. The goal should be for you LO to have a fantastic relationship with his grandparents and be able to trust them to meet his needs in any situation. That might not be possible, but you'll never know if you give up without trying!

They let him CIO. Once. They did not burn him with cigarettes or let him wander into the street while they were getting high in the living room. There are ways to modify the unacceptable behavior that do not involve restricting access to their grandchild as a first step. They didn't endanger his safety - they just freaked him out a little bit. This is not the last time that inexplicable adult behavior will freak the kid out.

Remember, even though the OP is wicked ticked off right now, she has said that she has a generally positive relationship with her ILs and believes that they adore her son. Family relationships like that are pretty precious IMO.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that they should never ever be allowed to babysit again, but purposefully going against a parent's express wishes is a very serious breach of trust. That trust will need to be EARNED back.

Also, you put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it only happened once. Well, the FIL stands behind his actions, therefore it will happen again if the OP lets it. I fail to see how it having only happened once - with zero regret or promises to change on the part of the ILs - is a reason to continue to trust them with the child's care.


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

Do not debate them. Obviously they were taught what they were taught and believe it is right. You do *not* need to justify your parenting style. Tell them this is how things are done with our child, like it or not, and then disengage. They can either jump on board the train or get left behind. With my parents, inlaws, or anyone else, they *will* respect what we are trying to do with our son and comply, if they agree or not, or they will not see him. End of story. I don't waste my energy on a fight or trying to convince, I just take a my way or the highway approach - nicely.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Climbergirl* 
Oh. The twin bed. Well, it is small. And I am very cold and DS is always very hot so there tends to be a lot of figuring out how to keep me warm and him from sweating. I don't have anything against the twin, just went there is a queen size bed to sleep in, then it just doesn't make sense....

We slept in the queen last night. DH offered to sleep in the twin.

DH does not like to fight. And so, he tends to hold things in. It made me realize he has been holding some stuff in. And that means that hopefully, after a break from school, he can get enough sleep so that we can talk it over.

My other thought is to write a letter to my MIL to explain how it felt disrespectful and hurt me. Basically, a "I know you meant well, but that really hurt my feelings and so we will need to change things a bit for the future (i.e. trip to Hawaii in June)". Maybe site a few studies. But I have not seen much on toddler co-sleeping.

Is there a list somewhere of what countries have high rates of co-sleeping as well as how long they tend to co-sleep?

There is also a possibility that we may move after June across the country. I don't want to try any major transitions until then. But, if that works out, then I would be a SAHM, and then, a whole different set of priorities would happen.

When we tried to talk about all this during the weekend, I told DH there was no point in having a child if we were only going to spend 2 hours a day with him. We could have gotten a dog instead (if a child was too inconvienent for us). I was tired, he was tired. That comment hurt him (I could tell).

We are really tired. Something is going to have to give if we don't move to Maryland. i don't think we can do this for 2 more years.

I really appreciate the support


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## Climbergirl (Nov 12, 2007)

I think you guys are right to just stay calm, say "this is how it will be done" and then stop. And do this by being very, very calm and clear. I have a feeling there will be a lot of those sorts of things that will be coming up in the future!


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Wow! I'm almost at a loss for words. I don't understand where they come from, thinking it's OK to treat grandchildren like they are children. There is a big difference, and IMO the boundary lines have been blurred. They are free to have their own opinion- and to express that opinion. But, it stops at exactly that. They don't have the right to impliment ANYTHING when it comes to the health and care and well being of the kid in the middle!!!

I do think it's right that you have stayed calm, and bit your tounge. HOWEVER now that you're calm....You need to be CRYSTAL clear about the boundry lines and that YOU and DH make the decision- NOT them- and no ammount of arguing is going to change your decisions. If this was my child- no way would I leave my child alone with them anytime soon. I would take my child everywhere- because they have SHOWN that they don't respect your choices and untill they show that they WILL respect you (not just SAY they will) there is absolutly NO way I would leave DS alone with them. Period.

I wish there was an easy way out of this, but there isn't. It's all about balance....
As for them being your guardians- great! They are loving, attentitive and seem like they would take great care of DS if something happened to you. That's what's important- not if they CIO or not. We would love to have someone that's perfect for our children, if something were to happen to us, but the reality is that no one can ever replace us. I agree that you should write some "Parenting" goals, ideals, and wishes to add to your will, but you have to trust that they would love and care for your children.

My dad died when I was 9, and no matter how "normal" my mom made things- nothing was EVER normal again. You also can't worry about "what if's" because if that happened there is nothing you can do about it. You CAN worry about NOW- and you can require them to respect your parenting decisions, even if they don't agree- or think you are a silly hippy







.


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