# i hit my daughter today



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

she is 7 1/2.

she had a tummy ache and generally didnt want to go to school so i kept her home. she was on me the whole time.

then it was time for me to go to school, and she was acting up.

she lashed out at me by mistake and that was the last straw.

automatically i turned around and slapped her on the back.

and it felt right. and i wasnt mortified for a long time.

i was angry. i have a LOT on my plate right now and living on the edge.

and i hit her. did not beat the crap out of her. didnt 'hit' her hard.

however...

i hit her - knowing how sensitive she is...

... she took it hard. she just completely lost it and cried in a way she hasnt in a long, long time. threw up too. the hurt went deeper than the physical pain.

teh worst. i wasnt upset the first few moments. i was able to drop her off to her dad's feeling i had done no wrong...

... but now it hit me. there is no excuse. i am the parent. she felt unwanted. she felt 'like a piece of junk you want to throw away in the garbage'.

is this the emotion she will carry for the rest of her life. that this one time the emotional pain was so great that she will always remember that she was beaten during her childhood. her dad of course is pissed at me.

my poor baby doll. the one person who she trusted completely failed her today.

even this morning i would have told you i could never do such a thing.

and i did it.

and i think we crossed a line... a line of growing up. dd is usually v. forgiving. when i see her in a couple of days i wonder if we will be able to bring this incident up and talk about it.








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## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

My dad never hit me as a kid.. except one time. I will never forget that one time, but I always think of it like "wow, just once?" My Stepmother beat the crap out of me, that sticks in my head way more then my dad slipping up and hitting me one time.

Take it easy, we are not perfect, I would have a long talk to your dd, tell her how sorry you are, and why your sorry, and what you hope the two of you can get out of this, and be closer.

Good Luck mama.


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## surfamy (May 24, 2005)

Oh mama, forgive yourself. We ALL mess up. All the time. The difference between messing up and deliberately hurting your child (which you did NOT do) is what you do after the fact. Saying you are sorry and having a conversation about it will likely smooth everything out. Admit to her that you are human and that you have bad days too.

I know my kids have the unique ability to make me more furious than any other people on the planet (how do they do that?







It's always on days like you described, we're trying to rush out the door, they are whining, not listening, I am tired, etc. I have slipped up too in my quest to GD and I have felt that same in the moment feeling of "she deserved it!" and then later thinking about what I must have looked like and felt absolute shame. The only thing to do is apologize, talk to them about it, and tell them that you will work on it.

I absolutely don't think that this will be the "thing" she remembers from her childhood, the thing that defines her childhood. She might remember it, but all of your fun times, love, support, and laughter will overwhelm this small incident. And having a mother who is willing to admit when she makes a mistake will be a far more important memory that she will carry.

Forgive yourself mama, we all have bad days. This is totally fixable.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

Pm'ing you.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

If it is at all possible, I would try to reconnect with her before a few days pass. From your original post, it sounds like she is going to be at her dad's house for a few days and if it were me, I would really want her to know how much I love her and how I screwed up before too long passes.

I am not a perfect parent by any means. I have done things that I am not proud of but I always admit my mistakes to my kids and we talk about how I should have/could have handled things. For me, keeping the communication open would be the key bit.

Awhile back I had to slam my ds1's door in his face because I wanted to slap him so badly. I slammed it and walked away. I came back after I had cooled down, told him I was sorry and that I should have just told him I needed a minute and we soon laughed about it.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

I've done that too. Yes I felt bad but it seriously is a natural reaction. I elbowed my 18 month old in the head (not hard) because he bit me once. I didn't even think my brain just felt pain and reacted to stop the pain. Of course I felt awful about it, but really sometimes there are moments when you're preoccupied or just not thinking and you react before you have a chance to think about it. I seriously don't think she is going to be permanently scarred from it. I would call her at her Dad's and talk to her about it though, and apologise.


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## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

I have a 7 year old. I know how it is. I do not think you have sccared her for life. Talk to her about it, apologize to her and let her know how you feel about the situation (kid friendly, of course). I am sure she , and you, will be ok. We all learn from our mistakes, that is the key.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i did it at the worst possible time too. she is going thru a emotional growth spurt and is feeling things way too deeply, plus on top of that she was sick. so i couldnt have taken the worst possible time to do it.

and now her dad's not picking up the phone. and i feel even more horrible. i feel like on a deeper level i betrayed her trust right when she is at her lowest point.

i hope we can heal from this. my heart breaks for my little girl. i hope she was able to calm down and take a nap.

i am happy though to see her dad's anger against me. shows his depth of emotion for his dd.


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## Brittany93 (Jun 1, 2009)

Talk to her? Tell her you know it was wrong of you to do that...help her understand.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
i did it at the worst possible time too. she is going thru a emotional growth spurt and is feeling things way too deeply, plus on top of that she was sick. so i couldnt have taken the worst possible time to do it.

and now her dad's not picking up the phone. and i feel even more horrible. i feel like on a deeper level i betrayed her trust right when she is at her lowest point.

i hope we can heal from this. my heart breaks for my little girl. i hope she was able to calm down and take a nap.

i am happy though to see her dad's anger against me. shows his depth of emotion for his dd.

Are you assuming he's not answering because of this? Don't jump to that conclusion if you don't know, it's not necessarily to do with you. And if it is, not talking to you about it is NOT a healthy way for him to handle it. We don't show "depth of emotion" by emoting, being explosive, or refusing to speak to someone.

Can I suggest that before you have a conversation with her you feel her out? I think it is important to apologize to her, but I also think it's important to get your emotions in check. If she's calmed down and not totally freaked out, you don't want to make it a bigger deal than she remembers it by crying and scaring her.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you guys just had a rough day.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

yup her dad was not picking up the phone coz he was pissed. it has happened before where he doesnt pick up the phone too many times not to recognise the pattern. and yes the way he can 'show emotion' to me is anger. even after being apart for over 6 years.

dd finally called back. and i spoke to her. and we are both sad together but she is back to her old self. i told her i was still sad that it happened and then we talked about other things and she giggled. so she is back to her old self - or at least hasnt lost her sense of humor. hearing her giggle i knew things were going to be ok. she also said and asked for a couple of other things so i knew it would be ok.

i am not crying or freaked out. i am just really sad that i discovered that part of me. i have been hysterical when dd got out of my sight when she was a toddler and i couldnt find her for what seemed like AGES.
yeah we are both going thru rough times.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

meemee, when I saw this post and who posted it I thought "meemee? No way!"

Honestly, I have been reading your posts for a long time and admire you. If it can happen to you, it really can happen to any of us. That's true for so many of these posts I read. The parents who post them are loving, searching, caring people and then one moment comes and here they are, posting about how they lost it. They are still those wonderful parents.

It's amazing how fast the anger reaction can come. That scares me, even though I'm not normally what anyone would call an "angry person." Even yesterday, I was trying to brush dd's teeth and some little thing happened and she looked me right in the eye and deliberately stepped on my foot. I yelled at her and this tiny little scene became something ugly. Our relationship is normally really close and fun, like yours with your daughter. So, I did what I always do. Calmed down, apologized and looked within myself at what happened. What else can you do?


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

As long as the good outweighs the bad you will be ok.

Also, this time of year the upset tummy is often sinus drainage. My mom still calls me her hypocondrac







All due to her not understanding sinus issues.

I also think it is OK for the phone not to be answered right away. You might be remorseful but she needs time to gather herself and calm down. No matter how fast you want to apologize sometimes you have to wait until they are ready to accept it.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Oh, mamma!









I read so many of your posts and can tell how much you love your daughter and how much you are loved by her!
We all have times that are less than admirable and we beat ourselves up the most for them....and sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most.

It was an isolated incident during a highly stressful time. You know it wasn't the best reaction, but it happened and now it's just time to focus on reparing the damage.
Thank goodness you and DD have such a close bond. While that bond may have made the mark pretty deep, such a bond will also will also bring you even closer when you show her that you can admit you did wrong, apologize and get the underlying stress out in the open. That shows honesty...turn it around as a teaching tool and lesson learned.

I don't think you failed her. You showed her that none of us in infallible...we ALL have breaking points. We're all just simply human doing the best that we're capable of. It's a good thing to discover this side of ourselves....it makes us better in the long run as long as you use it next time to recognize that edge. That's the part too many people forget.

I'm glad to read that your DD was giggling. Just ease into the subject when she gets back and I think you'll be ok.

Quote:

As long as the good outweighs the bad you will be ok.
This is a hugely important point to remember...and it seems like you tend to do very well at it.
All kids are gonna go through very rough times, but as long as they have a parent that generally provides a loving, warm, and caring home/bond they tend to be awfully forgiving with our shortcomings.

Love and Peace to you, mamma!


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarCn* 
You can make it up to her in two ways, get some help with your anger so that she can control her anger and not hit her daughter when she's your age - AND never do it again.

Seriously, you need to work on why you can't control yourself and what was really going on at the time, anger comes from fear - what are you afraid of?

This might be a little much. Anger does NOT necessarily come from fear. Anger comes from being stressed, from having too much to handle in a given moment, from reacting before we have the time and emotional space to fully think things out...

I've heard people say on this forum that they don't understand how anyone could even WANT to hit their child. Uh, okay. I actually don't know anyone IRL who HASN'T WANTED to at least once.







Most of the time those feelings don't get acted upon, but when they do, it's not necessarily because of unresolved self-control issues. ETA: What I mean is, lashing out once doesn't mean you need anger management classes.

OP, I think you have beaten yourself up about this quite enough. I'm glad you and your daughter talked it out. I doubt you will do it again because this was a TOUGH lesson. It sucks when we find out we're capable of actions we NEVER THOUGHT we'd take, though, isn't it?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Any time I've ever lost it with my kids, I can look back at the situation and realize that it was all about me. So, if I'm about to lose it now, I'll look at what's going on with me before losing it. It helps a lot. They act up when I'm feeling like everything is piling up on me. Kids really do mirror. It helps to realize it's not their fault that they're acting up...Did they eat, sleep, are they sick, am I feeling upset and agitated?

It sounds like you've got a lot going on. Hanging onto this isn't going to help you. Look at it for what it is, learn what you can and move on.


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## Kivgaen (Dec 5, 2003)

I've done it before too... you are not alone.

How is your relationship with her otherwise?

The next time you see her, I would get down to her level, make eye contact, and tell her in a calm voice that you screwed up. You're sorry. No-one is perfect, even mommies, and you made a huge mistake. Tell her you love her, and there was no excuse for you hitting her like that. Say you're sorry again. Tell her what you should have done instead, and what you intend to do the next time you feel that way again.

Immediately after, play a game with her to re-connect. (whatever game SHE wants to play). If she's not laughing and giggling by the end of it, then you are playing the wrong game.

ETA: I said in my post that everyone makes mistakes (which is true), but I didn't say this: It's not only what you did when you made the mistake that counts... Possibly more important is what you do AFTERWARDS! Make sure that your daughter learns this lesson -- making mistakes is okay. Fix your mistake by talking to her face-to-face, letting her tell you her feelings (if she wants to), tell her you love her, and SHOW her that you love her and are sorry by spending extra special quality time with her.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Closed pending review.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Reopening and moving to the Gentle Discipline forum, since I am sure that is our goal here.

Please remember that if someone posts in a manner that you believe to be against the UA, you should report it rather than engage another member in an on-board argument. Thanks!


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## Katie T (Nov 8, 2008)

Hugs mama, we all do things we regret. I would tell her how sorry you are and how upset you were with yourself. I don't think it will scar her for life.


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## BCFD (Jun 21, 2006)

Sounds very stressful...i'm so sorry.







I have a 5 1/2 year old that I tend to let get away with more things than my 4 and 3 year old. She's my first born (through adoption) after 4 years of struggling with infertility. She is also very loving and sweet and sensitive, but painfully stubborn.







I always joke around and say that I should let my 4 year old get away with everything because she is ALWAYS so helpful and dependable (and sweet, loving, funny, etc.).

Anyway, my 5 1/2 year old has been working towards a pet mouse. We made a little chart that looked like a game board and for every day that she did well at school and did more than 2 jobs (she's in Montessori) she would get a star. I LOATHE extrinsic "rewards", but she seemed to take great pride in seeing her accomplishment. Lately, she has somewhat slacked off and not as interested in the chart, but still talks about her mouse.

The other day she was whiny the entire morning, refused to cooperate in school, only did a language job (that still wasn't finished when I came to pick her up for the day), got home and refused to help me pick up a horribly messy toy room...and then topped it off by laughing at me when I raised my voice and told her that she needed to clean up or I was going to start throwing toys away. She said, "Go ahead...throw them away!" Well, I freakin' lost it!! I totally overreacted by making her take her "mouse chart" down off the wall and throwing it in the garbage. She was hysterical and in my anger I realized that this was something she had been working really hard on (and was veery proud of) for months. I came to my senses and went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I came back out, sat down with her, hugged her (still crying like a baby!







) and told her that I was very wrong and shouldn't have taken down her chart. She started crying and said, "Mommy, you ripped down the picture that I drew of me and my mouse." and my heart broke into a million pieces. Man...not only did I destroy her hard work, but I also destroyed her ART work. I felt horribly, horribly guilty.

I talked to a good friend (whom I admire so much when it comes to GD and interacting peacefully with children) and she told me that I should re-negotiate with her. I LOVED that idea! So, we sat down again and DD told me that she really didn't like the chart, so we decided that she could still have the mouse as a kindergarten graduation present, *BUT* she still had to continue working hard in school.

I think it's important to admit when you are wrong to your children. We are only human. ((HUGS!))


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## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

I have been thinking about you a lot mama, I hope you and your dd are well.

I would totally drop this after you have had a talk with her, do not punish yourself over and over again begging for forgiveness. It will just keep bringing it back up, and what you want to do is move forward.

Your in my thoughts.


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## RaelynsMama (Oct 26, 2008)

I'm going to lay it all on the line for you. I've been there, both as the parent and as the child. As a child, I was NEVER hit, except for once. My mother was very, very anti-hitting. I remember the incident clearly. She was sitting on the counter with her sister, I believe, and I was not allowed to do that. I tested my limits, tried out a new word I had learned and called her a hypocrite. She of course, was livid. She sent me to my room and I stomped away like an angry 10 year old. She jumped off the counter and smacked me HARD on the back. I ran to my room, angry, hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, and slammed the door. She ran after me and yelled something in my face about slamming the door, and slammed the door harder. I tell you this, not to make you feel bad, but to illustrate what happened. I was also very sensitive and I do still remember it, but it, in no way, defines my childhood. My mother was/is a loving, caring, nurturing mother who I actually try to emulate. I remember the incident, yes, but I remember her love more. I know I was out of line, did that make it right? Not at all. But I understand how we act out in anger and I don't hold it against her as an adult. She never apologized afterwards either - we're a proud, stubborn breed. But I know she was sorry. And I know she loves me more than anything, then and now.

Now for more confessions. I have a two year old who I have tried to do AP with. Unfortunately, GD hasn't always been my strong suit. All of her first year, I think, was fine, but after she turned a year old, she became much more independent and pushed her limits a lot more. My daughter, is so, so sensitive, and I haven't always been sensitive to her needs. I've yelled before, I've given her bottom a swat before, her hand when she's hit me, and even her mouth once when she spit at me. She was always destroyed. It made everything worse. I hate admitting this. I hate the awful way it makes me feel. But I still love her fiercely, and she loves me just the same.

I'm not perfect, and she knows that, but I try. Unfortunately, in anger, we often do things we do not mean, we often act out in ways that we regret, we often act without thinking, which is the most damaging. I think all of the love I give her outshine the incidents when I'm less than my best. We still BF, CS, and we have plenty of smiles, hugs and kisses. I've had to forgive myself, as you have to forgive yourself. Every day is a new day. I'm not the most patient by nature, so I work on my patience constantly. It's always happened during those times when she's tired, I'm tired, she's overwhelmed, I'm stressed, etc. Anger breeds more easily when your defenses are down. I'm not proud of how I've acted in anger, but I try not to hold it against myself, and I'm grateful she doesn't hold it against me.

I admire your strength in being able to write your story. I think as mothers, one of our biggest fears is judgement, and I've shared both of my stories to show you that it happens. It's awful but it does. But in both cases, we've been able to move on, heal, and love. With my daughter, if I lose my temper and yell, I try to apologize and own up to it. I can't tell her to not yell and then yell when she refuses to get dressed and I'm in a rush or something. I think talking with your DD will help her to understand what happened, and maybe see it in a new light. It's not right of her father to not answer his phone if he is doing it purposely. You are a loving, devoted mother who made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself. This will all be resolved soon. Best of luck to you, I wish you both healing and peace right now.

EDIT - something that helps me tremendously is that every morning when I Get up, I intend to have a great day, be the best mama I can be, and joyfully choose patience at every opportunity. I've learned that when I get stressed out, I am easier to anger, and I have to let the stress go before the anger happens. I take deep breaths, do some stretches, smile, and remember to act and not react. She also is very in tune with me and feeds off of my stress, I often find that when she is 'acting out' it's in response to my tension that I hadn't consciously noticed, and by relaxing, she relaxes too.


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## blithespirit (Feb 21, 2009)

I am so grateful for your honest and thoughful post and for (most of) the replies. We are human. We make mistakes. It's what we learn from them that counts. I really needed to read this today. Yesterday I jerked a kitchen utencil from my daughter when she wouldn't give it to me and she cut her finger. I cried for a very long time with her and it was aweful. I couldn't believe how I had hurt her and started really thinking about where she is and what I'm doing in response to where she is. I also realized immediately that 1. I need some me time. 2. I need to ask for help. I have a two year old and a newborn, just had an unplanned and unwanted c-section 3. I need to attend an attachment parenting meeting 4. I need to breathe and count to ten before I react to my two year old... I think we have to forgive ourselves, learn and move on or we will be shaming ourselves in a way that will only do harm and distance us from our beloved children.

Thanks for your post. You are obviously a wonderful mother. You will move past this as will I and as all moms and dads have to when we make a mistake. I think that is good roll modeling for our children who will also make mistakes. We have to show them how to learn and how to forgive themselves and others. Big hugs for you Mama.


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

OP,














to you.

Wanted to share a story, hoping it will make you feel better:

M parents "swatted" my brother and me very rarely when we were little (maybe up to five?) to "get our attention." My brother and I usually laughed about it.

When I was 13, I called my mom a bitch--something like, "why do you have to be such a bitch about it." She slapped me HARD across the face. She had just come home from work, it was in the evening, she was tired. I was having teenager drama, I'm sure. I was so shocked, and I guess she was too. We both cried. She never slapped me again and I have NEVER called her that again. I'm 29. We're best friends now. You know what? Seeing how much it upset my mom that she slapped me without thinking--crying together--showed me that she loved me, and brought us closer in the long run. It is something that I'll remember forever, but it didn't scar me one bit.

I think your daughter will be fine.


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