# what to do about unwanted playdates



## Lizbeth (Jun 1, 2003)

I'm beginning to think that I'm the only mom who's not crazy about playdates.

I'm an older mom, don't work outside the home, have 6 y.o. and 2 y.o. girls. My 6 y.o. is in public school and attends Girl Scouts and swimming lessons for extracurricular activities. It seems to me she gets enough contact with friends with these activities and I like to save the rest of her time to spend at home, with her family. The problem: I'm constantly (weekly?) asked for playdates with friends, usually by parents with a single child who wants to "borrow" my daughter to keep their own entertained. It's not really a convenience for me to be bundling up both kids and walking them to and from friends houses in 20 degree weather to provide playmates for other children. And then I'm expected to reciprocate by having kids I'm not crazy about over to my house so their mom can have a break. Am I missing something here?

What do others think of unwanted playdates? How do you handle the folks who continue asking for a playdate after you've turned them down as politely as you can?

Thanks for any advice!

-Lizbeth (perplexed)







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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I would go by what my dd wants. If she enjoys the friendships and playing, I would make an effort to schedule it. However, I wouldn't force it on her just to 'be polite' and give the neighbor a break.

Under no circumstances would I allow a child over who was rude,loud or not nice to my children. (You mentioned not being crazy about some of the kids, so I am assuming there is more to that.)


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

Yikes....
I sense a very frustrated attitude.

There is not a lot you can do other than say no, mean no, and let the rest slide off your back.

If you want to, you could say "No. Sara has so many things going during the week that I like to keep her home with the family whenever I get the chance". Being direct is the only way to stop the unwanted requests.

I'd just like to say I don't know why you have such a dim view of other parents. I arrange "playdates" for my daughter occasionally because SHE gets lonely and she likes to see her friends. It doesn't always have to do with the parent trying to get rid of their kid for free time or something. Maybe your daughter is just a VERY likable girl and her friends just ask to see her a lot.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I remember being that age - I was involved in girl scouts and did a lot of stuff at school, but it was the one-on-one time you got when visiting someone that was the stuff of friendship. You get social skills and entertainment in a group, surely, but the stuff strong bonds are made of is one-on-one interaction. I used to go to friends' houses or have them over virtually EVERY DAY back when it wasn't called a "playdate."

If I were you I would encourage your child to be setting things up with other children wherever possible (to keep the 'scheduling' load off your shoulders, and to avoid another parent inviting her over when she isn't exactly wild about the other child). I don't think it is about 'entertaining' their children - I think it is about interaction, which is a GOOD thing, and entertainment is the side-effect. I don't think that it should be about whether YOU are wild about the other child or not (unless the child is causing you a lot of trouble), but about whether your child is enjoying the interaction and building a healthy friendship.

I am just plain irked, though, at the parents who keep asking you. Not only should this be a child-led thing after about 4 years old or so (IMO), but they also plainly can't take a darned hint! Actually, how are you turning them down? If it keeps being a 'scheduling excuse' then I can see why they would keep asking. If you have told them already that you miss your daughter and want her at home after school, girl scouts, and swimming are over, then I'm thinking it is time to be more blunt (something along the lines of 'ask again next YEAR').

Another issue - how long are these little 'playdates'? I remember when I was that age I had to be home before 5, which meant that I was only at a friend's house for about 2 hours max. My mom wanted to see me every now and then, too! Bedtime was 9, so we then had 4 hours of together time, and my mom tried to make those evening hours pleasant family time - no real activities or anything, just all of us there and not doing anything in particular. I'm hoping to follow her lead on that one as my kids get older, since I can totally see the value in that. I personally would put my foot down if these parents are asking for hours upon hours of time.

Still, I would buck up and live with it as long as your daughter is getting something out of it, and as long is it isn't cutting big chunks out of your family time. I think that what you are missing here is the value of the one-on-one time to the building of friendships at your daughter's age, but I think that a lot of people miss that this doesn't take a lot of time - it can be for an hour in the afternoon every now and then. My 4yo has a friend about 3 houses down who she counts as her best friend, and they only spend about an hour of one-on-one time together every week.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I agree with anothermama. If you don't want your dd to do playdates, be direct and explain that you just don't do them for whatever reason you want to give. That way, the person asking won't keep asking, you won't feel pressured and they will just ask somebody else next time.

I understand being busy. I'm also an "older" mom and have two kids. I have a 6yo dd (and a 3yo), and we love playdates. We don't do them all the time--maybe once or twice a month. My dd also has a couple of other activities--gymnastics, Y-Guides and Chinese school. But, she likes one-on-one time with other kids and I think it's good for her. The kids have time to establish a relationship that they don't get in group settings. I don't mind at all having these kids (all very nice and well-behaved) in our home either.


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## siddie (Jan 15, 2003)

Whew, I am glad to read the positive responses of efmom, nikrj, and anothermomma about playdates! I am afraid I may be one of those annoying moms who invites people for playdates. I look at them as a positive way to forge friendships and get one on one play as the others mentioned. Usually, I enjoy the company of the other mom too. I have never pushed my son off to a playdate because I wanted a break or to find a substitute sibling. In general, if the person doesn't reciprocate, I will not ask again. I think if the kids enjoy it, it's a good thing because the group scheduled activites put the kids into a forced situation where they interact on superficial levels guided by adults, not always the stuff of lasting friendships. Another reason playdates are so popular now is that parents don't allow kids to play outside in the neighborhood (as they did when I was a kid) due to safety issues. You are fortunate that people are inviting your daughter, think of how she could feel if she realized she was one of the only ones never invited to playdates. Perhaps you are more of an introverted person who needs less social contact and fewer friends?

About the direct approach, it is really best. Other people may be busy too and unless it is the same person calling every few days, they just may chalk it up to schedules. It is possible to be kind and direct, instead of just fuming and thinking "why are these people bugging me?!!" just explain your situation. "I'm sorry, I really feel staying home and family time is more important for my daughter now and the weather makes it very difficult for me to take her and younger daughter out."


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Well, if you don't want to do playdates because you want your children engaged in family time, then by all means just tell people that. Thay certainly can't fault you for that







They are probably developing a complex about why you never let your child come over to play though. being up front is always the best, especially when you have a perfectly valid reason. Also though don't forget to tell your dd why you don't do playdates. Wouldn't want her to feel bad because she thinks no one asks her over.

I have 3 dd (7, 3 and 1) so we are right in the thick of play dates. I am always inviting kids over sense I don't feel comfortable with most of the kids i our neighborhood and all of her friends live a million miles away. I never expect people to recipricate (goodness knows with three kids it is just easier to have them over here), I don't ask for someone to come over because I want them to entertain my child (a good hostess is responsible for entertaining her guest, not the other way around.) or so that I can get a break. I do it because my dd enjoys having company and as someone who was never allowed to have friends over and grew up with no class or social skills, it is important to me that my dd learns to be a gracious hostess at an early age. All of my childrens friends are pretty good about including her younger sisters and so it is fun for everyone. We homeschool so I guess our family time is unlimited. I suppose it would be different if it were limited by all day school though. i too would be very persistant in gaurding those times we had together as a family.


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

I agree that you certainly have the right to want your daughter to spend time with her family, but I also believe that playdates between two children are a good opportunity to strengthen friendships, and gosh, they are just fun!

How does your daughter feel about this? I'm sure some of these children have asked her if she can come over and play - you don't mention if she wants to have these playdates herself. If she wants to, I do think that it would be nice to allow them on occasion.

Perhaps playing after school seems like a bit much to you because she's been away all day? You can always plan playdates on school holidays. Or do a park playdate - tell the mom who asks that you go to the playground every Wednesday after school, for example, and perhaps they could join you?

If you really don't like these kids (you don't say why, though), that's another story, but it just doesn't seem fair to deprive your child of one-on-one playtime with friends if that is what she wants to do. Eventually she will probably get resentful, no?


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## Lizbeth (Jun 1, 2003)

Thanks for all the replies! You gave me lots to think about to help sort through why I'm not liking playdates.

I am a bit frustrated, and definitely in need of a little attitude adjustment. But I don't think I have a dim view of parents, not generally anyway. The few that I hold a dim view of happen to be the ones who press us for playdates -- the ones I don't know how to handle. Most all of the parents of my daughters friends through school and various activities are wonderful people, with great kids. They're the ones who do playdates occasionally (like I prefer) and balance the rest of the time for their kids between school, activities, and family time. So let me give you some examples of the one's I'm talking about.

First, there's the mother who's always looking for a playdate, at my house, at her convenience, because she's made some plans and can't find a sitter. And after 2-3 playdates at my house, she'd love to have my daughter sometime when her husband is there to watch the kids for her. So sure, my daughter would like to come over. And I go to pick her up at the end of the playdate and she's there watching TV and a housecleaning woman I've never met is the only one home with the girls and Dad has gone out to do some shopping.... or something.

Then there's the mom who tells me that her daughter needs nearly constant social stimulation. She must be actively engaged in play from the time she gets out of school and the mother is tired out quickly. The girl does not do well in some of the afterschool group settings, ends up dropping out and it's a waste of money. So the mother would like to solve this by scheduling maybe 2-3 afterschool playdates a week with various friends. Whatever day I can fill for her would be fine. If not this week, then maybe next week, next month?, next year? -- Great! Then an email a week later "I know you said that you were spending the holidays with family from out-of-town, but I was wondering if your daughter could come over and play with mine. Mine sure would like to have someone (read anyone) to play with. And your daughter is always such a nice houseguest, so well-behaved."

Okay, I guess I got that out of my system. Thanks for listening, for all the thoughtful comments. I'm still working through it, but you're all very helpful.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Feel free to vent away, LizBeth!


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

Thanks for the extra details, LizBeth - puts a whole new spin on it!

The moms you describe sure do sound as though they are using your daughter to "entertain" their children, or using you for babysitting. That would irk me, as well!!!

I guess with these moms, saying no is the best road to take!!!


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I wouldn't like this kind of playdate, either. I've never experienced anybody pulling anything like that. I think you should just be straightforward and tell them that your daughter won't be available for playdates, and that way they should bug you less.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

wow, so this was about way more that play dates :LOL

I feel so sorry for you. i don't even think being direct would work with these people (although might not be a bad idea to tell them how they are coming off.)

If I had any real suggestions I would give them but geesh, what rude people. I totally understand your POV and would distance myself from these people as much as possible.

I guess if you didn't mind having that first child over you could always just let her know what your babysitting fee is


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## guest^ (Oct 29, 2002)

Oh my gosh!!!!! I would be *FURIOUS* if I picked up my child from someones house and they were in front of the tv, with the only adult present being the housekeeper!!!!

I am a *wee* little overprotective, but here are some basic guidelines I've adopted for playdates.(And since we just moved into the house our dc will grow up in, I will have many opportunities to really exercise these!)...........

~I will not let dd play at someones house until I know their parents fairly well. So, until then I will invite both the mom and dc over here to play, or invite the family to the park,etc.. During the course of this getting to know them stage, I casually talk about our values,lifestyle...with the purpose of them talking about theirs-that way I have an understanding of whether I'm dealing with a family with whom I would be comfortable exchanging playdates.

~I make it clear that dd is not to be under the care of anyone else other than the parent(no older siblings,neighbors,etc)....nor is she allowed to leave the playmate's yard for any reason-and for a couple of friends that live on busy streets, no playing in the front yard.

~No tv,no videos,no computer.

~With the exception of a few close friends, we have an open door rule for the playrooms/bedrooms....meaning the door will be kept open at all times. DD has a couple of friends that she likes to play "birth" with...with their clothes all on and everything, but they grunt, and stuff, and they get embarrassed if I peek my head in while one of them is "pushing".....so I allow them their privacy.:LOL

~A lot of the families we exchange playdates with have larger families then we do, so I usually offer to pickup/dropoff......plus, I am still not totally comfortable with others driving dd-but I am comfortable driving others however.(neurotic-a whole other thread!)

We homeschool, but even if dd went to school, I would still encourage playdates regularly(not,of course,cutting into family time) as I feel it is important for dc to have friends over to their homes to share their family life with others, and experience the whole sharing of their own toys,special things with someone outside of the family. I think it develops pride and good self esteem, as well as social skills that dc do not get while in group situations.

Oh! And at this age, it is usually dd asking for the playdates-not me-although I of course am the one to make the phone call,etc..










mp


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Lizbeth_
*

Okay, I guess I got that out of my system. Thanks for listening, for all the thoughtful comments. I'm still working through it, but you're all very helpful.*
YIKES!!!!!!!!

Yes, Lizbeth that DOES put a whole new spin on it!!!!!!!









That stinks....those mamas would annoy the bejeezus out of me.


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