# Older brother telling younger brother he hates him



## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm not sure what to do about this. My two boys are much like most siblings - they get along great most of the time, and fight like crazy other times. But for the most part, they are very close. They always run to share information with each other, they play elaborate games together, they giggle and conspire against dh and me, they read to each other, etc.

But ds1 is very matter of fact that he hates ds2. He tells ds2 this, and tells other people, and it really bothers ds2. He doesn't cry and get upset, but he brings it up all the time. Like today at the pool ds2 kept messing with ds1, kind of kicking him, and when I asked him why he was doing it he said "because he hates me." Or he'll say to someone "That's my big brother, but he hates me." He talks about it quite often.

I have talked to ds1 about this, who insists that it's true, and finally told him that he is entitled to his feelings, but that he is no longer allowed to tell ds2 that he hates him. I'm sure he still does it when I'm not around, but even if he isn't, he's already established it as a fact. It's really upsetting to me, not because I think he really does hate him, but because it has such an overwhelming affect on ds2 and how he sees himself. I can tell it really is sad for him.

Is there anything I can or should be doing? I've already told ds2 that ds1 does not really hate him, but he doesn't believe me. Whatever ds1 says is gold. I believe strongly that letting siblings work through their own issues makes for a stronger bond, but this issue is really upsetting me.


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## almama (Mar 22, 2003)

We go through this from time and to time. I know they love each other, but they can be brutal, especially the older one.

In the big picture, I tried to hone in on the behavior and need and give him words for it. "What you want to say is: "I want to be alone right now." "I need quiet right now." There is usually something specific going on when he says something mean.

Then I try to reward the positive a lot. Any help, any good words get me bright, happy and high-fiving.

We also take pictures of them playing together and put them in an album, and write stories about their adventures (that is big here).

And, we tell him to take a break if mean things are spouting out because it is not welcome.

I'd love to hear other suggestions. It is somewhat better here now, but I know it can change. I've given up controlling their mouths long ago though.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

I could have written your post op! My boys do the exact same thing, except my ds2 doesn't seem to be that bothered by it most of the time.

They fight one minute and the next minute they are best friends. Like you, I try to let them work it out but recently they have been hitting ea other a lot. It's driving me nuts! We've been talking a lot about keeping hands to oneself and I enc ds1 to take some time for himself when ds2 is bugging him (he's good at that, he bugs me too!).

My ds1 is very sure about everything in life so when he says he hates his brother he is adament. I guess he forgets about that when they are all buddy buddy. I have also told him that he can feel how he wants and validated that it's hard to have a little bro but that he can't say mean things to him.

I haven't figured out a solution yet, I guess it's pretty normal for brothers and siblings in general. Maybe some other mdc moms have some ideas.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

Yikes. My boys don't say things like that to each other, and if they did I dont think I would allow it even one time. It obviously bugs the little brother, how hurtful!!!!! When I was growing up, my uncle was ( still is, lmao) 4 years older than me. Over vacations, when we saw each other, we were much like siblings. One day we were like, 9 and 13 or something. I was getting on his nerves and he yelled at me " Get out of my life! I hate you!" and it really, really hurt my feelings. I tried not to show it though. But I think I lost a little respect for him that day.

Also not exactly the same thing but , something similar happened when I was a teen..I was really good friends with a young mom. I used to babysit for her all the time and hang out afterwards. She was great! I was 12, she was 23. She liked to watch mtv, bake cookies and cakes and they had a big friendly dog and a cute baby.. lol...etc. One day her baby was crying and she got frustrated and said something like " Shut up, you little %$#@. "







I lost all of my respect for her that day.

If my oldest son told his little brother he "hated him" I would tell him that's a terribly hurtful thing to say to someone and not true, maybe you are annoyed or feeling something else. Then I would send him to think about ways to say how he's feeling without using that hurtful phrase. Like, " I need space right now, brother. " or even " I am mad at you."

Sorry for the long and drawn out response. I guess it hit a sore spot.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

The only thing I can think of is that maybe you can tell him to be more specific. Like, "I hate it when my brother follows me around." The word "hate" is stronger than he is probably feeling, too, and you could ask him to be more specific there as well. Like, he's annoyed by one specific thing, he got irritated when something happened. I think that's less likely to cause long-term relationship damage, but it still honors the older brother's feelings. My husband talks about how his sister told him that she hated him when they were kids, and he is still uncomfortable around her because of that. It's not something that can really be undone. But it's fair to be annoyed by a younger sibling. Anyway, saying "You don't hate him" is telling him how he feels, and no one likes to be told how they're feeling - he's the authority on that. But "Please be more specific about how you're feeling" gives him that sense of authority over his feelings but keeps him from using generalized statements like, "I hate you."


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

Wow, my older two are like this, too! It breaks my heart for your younger child (and mine), but I have to admit to feeling a little bit relieved that other kids do this, too.

My oldest is very challenging (we are thinking of having him evaluated, possibly ADHD or something) and doesn't respond to other's feelings well at all. He told his younger brother (the middle of three boys) that he only loved the baby and hated him. He said it in kind of a silly way, but it made an impression. Unlike yours, he will say now that he doesn't hate him, but his actions sometimes say otherwise. Like yesterday we were at a fourth of July parade, and they were passing out hats. My oldest got two (not three) and clearly stated they were for him and the baby (who's two) -- not the 5 year old.









Like you, I know it affects my younger son terribly and it really bothers me. I'll be watching for advice.


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## mamatoakd (Jun 11, 2008)

How old are the boys? I'm guessing that they're young and still need to learn about how to have healthy relationships. I'm all for letting kids work things out when it comes to minor disagreements (bickering) but this sounds like it's getting bigger. Without understanding it, it sounds like your older son is tearing down your younger son with his words. You said that your younger son tells people that he's hated by his brother. Reading that, it sounds to me like he now thinks of himself as "the hated one". That's a tough identity.

I'm with the pp's that have suggested telling your older son to be specific about what is bothering him but with boundaries. Nobody has carte blanche to voice whatever hurtful words that come to mind. I'd ask him to think about how his words make others feel. How would he like it if someone were to tell him that they hated him. I feel like we ask our dd's this at least weekly as things come up but it seems to help...

Good luck!


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