# Subsequent pregnancy~how to cope?



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I can answer that. Going back to the point you are in your grief - a very painful place, but one I'll gladly revisit for you.

My doctor was horrible, he wanted me to get a birth control shot right after birth so that I wouldn't try again. I immediately found a new doctor. He recommended I wait 3 months to let my cervix heal. Especially because the placenta had abrupt.

I left his office in tears because I could sense his compassion and I knew he was looking out for me. I waited 2 months then began again. I didn't tell anyone at the time, but I was on Mission Pregnancy. Like you, I didn't want to replace my daughter. As a matter of fact, I was a bit scared that if I got preg. right away people would think I was ok - I had my baby and no longer needed to grieve.

Back to Mission Pregnancy, it's all I thought about. Getting pregnant, feeling the kicks and giving birth. I did go to a counselor, but didn't even touch on how possessed I was with getting pregnant.

3 months after Amanda was born my doctor put me back on Clomid (a fertility drug). I had been on heavier infertility drugs when I conceived Amanda and I was angry that he didn't go right for the big ones. However, now I understand...

My first Pregnancy test was negative. I wasn't prepared for how hard that would hit me. My new doctor is one of the most known Infertility Specialists in Michigan and he was so gentle with me. He set me up right away for surgery to check my tubes and the day of the surgery they took a pregnancy test as a precaution - It was positive!

Looking back there are times I had wished I waited because I had much unresolved when my Son came into the world living and breathing. But, nobody could have told me that then. I look at him now 7 yrs. old and the light of my life. He didn't replace Amanda, but he did enrich my life.

When you read through this. Please, remember that everyone feels differently. Only you can make the right decisions for you. Either way, reach out for the emotional help you need. Attend a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group. I got a LOT of support there. I was able to talk to other momma's who truly understood me and how I felt.

What ever you decide, please keep us posted. If you ever need to talk, pm me or email me at [email protected] . I do have a great deal of resources on pregnancy and subsequent pregnancy after a loss - I'd be happy to share with you whatever you need.

Sending you warm, loving, compassionate thoughts.


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## islandgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

I totally understand as well. My Clara was born and died on July 7, 2000. Our birth stories are very similar except instead of pushing Clara out, the decelerating heartbeat at 10 cm prompted a transport to the hospital and an emergency c-section. No reason for her death was found. She was so beautiful and has been my inspiration and little angel ever since. I still talk to her everyday and no-one can understand how much I miss her and always will.
Today I am 4 days OVERDUE! This end of pregnancy has been really intense, these message boards have been really helpful in coping with all of the anxiety. Clara was a week early so I just assumed that this time would be similar...but no. Just like the outcome won't be similar either.
I waited 1 year. I was ready to immediately be pregnant again but my midwives advised waiting to heal emotionally and physically (esp. important because I had a c-section and want desperately to have a VBAC.) I made a lot of changes in a year, moved and started my practice (chiropractic) and I feel glad that I did wait even though it was hard.
The worst is that my midwives are so far away, like you i developed an extremely close relationship with them due to the circumstances and miss them terribly esp. since in NC it is difficult to homebirth and so i am going to a hospital with a CNM.
I would be happy to help in any way so feel free to private message me. You will know when it is right to concieve again and truly your body needs a little recovery time, pregnancy is tough. You will never forget little Xiola and she will affect your life in more ways than you can imagine. Please take care of yourself on Mother's day, it was the most difficult day for me last year outside of Clara's birthday. It really sucks to know that you are a mom and have empty arms, but know that one day that will change and you will have a baby and an gaurdian angel. We keep pictures of Clara in our home and tell anyone who wants to know all about her. My new baby will know every detail about her/his older sister and will know that Clara will look after him/her as well as mommy and daddy.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

Ms. Mom said it all so eloquently - but here's my story.

Our Jacob was born on Oct 23, 1998, about an hour and a half after he died suddenly and with no explanation. That there was no explanation and no one to blame was very important in our healing process - we could focus on just how precious life - all life - was and not let the anger get in our way.

I got pregnant 3 cycles later and had a due date only 3 days different from Jacob's. It felt really weird at the time, like a 9 month deja vu. We had been home for Jacob, and although there was nothing in the hospital that could have saved him, we decided to co-manage our pregnancy with our midwife and an ob. The ob wanted lots of monitoring, and I said "ok", even though (for the most part! 9 months is a long time!) I felt that everything was fine.

I was four days overdue, just like with Jacob - but this time I had a very fast labor, especially the active phase, and instead of freaking out over being 8 cms, where I was when Jacob died, I was blessed, again in a weird way, of having to focus on the baby not being born in the car ...

Noah was born 10 minutes after we got to the hospital, beautiful, pink, perfect, crying ... and I think the ob was more nervous than I was.

I know this is only our lives, and every spirit has their own journey, but in many ways I feel that Jacob came back as Noah, that somehow he couldn't be with us in Jacob's body. When Noah was born he looked like he had the wisdom of the ages - so alert, so calm, so aware. Now, at 2 1/2 and with a baby brother (born 5/2/02, yeah!) he's a wild man, but I remember his calm.

I hope this helps in some way.

Barbara

mama to Jacob, Noah and now Nathaniel


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