# empty eleven days later



## magda (May 5, 2002)

Midnight May 1st I experienced the at home miscarriage of my ten week old baby, after finding no heartbeat on ultrasound at 9 weeks - I used herbs and acupuncture to help the miscarriage along but felt extremely unpreared for the experience, which the hospital doctor had told me would be "kind of like a period" . Four days later,the miscarriage took six hours and rivers of blood and tissue, and my baby had left me- now as I approach the second week and the bleeding has subsided,my friend directed me here where I find out I am far from alone. But it still hurts, and in fact, as the physical symptoms subside, the emotions have begun to set in. Where do I go from here? Everyone else is ready for me to get on with life, but I feel so empty and depleated. The words of all you mothers are such a source of strength, I thank you for your bravery.
I still don't undestand why my little Zain (he felt like a boy, but I'll never know) came to visit, but I'm working on it.
I wrote this for him:

Jonah in his fishbelly womb
taking a ride through my portal
on the way towards wherever he needed to go
elusive little traveler- Speak up!
Tell mama the direction
and the reason
and the rough sea you were escaping
on the other side of this life
and which shores did you wash up upon
naked and reborn
sputtering out seawater
on which sandbar?
Cause I need to find you
little one
and know that you are well
but the ship knows not
what becomes of the sailors
once they are on shore
and you've gone beyond the safety
of my harbor lights
out into the dark wilderness
where mama cannot follow
but my candle shall stay burning for you
little one
for an eternity if it can...

My love to you all...


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

{{{{Magda}}}} that is such a beautiful poem.

I felt so empty after my last baby died as well. He died at 16 weeks, for no reason. Losing a baby is very difficult to deal with & is so totally not helped by the way people brush off your feelings as being not there. After all, it wasn't like you were pregnant that long or it was even a real person...& crap like that. Well that's the insensitive ones. Then there's the out there ones who say the most bizzare unexpected things. I've probably said this before, but when I had my ectopic pregnancy ( I had one of them too previously ) I actually had a woman tell me I had not lost a baby, I'd lost a monster. In a obscure way, these mega insensitive people also helped me as well as hindered me. I felt a lot of anger which released some of the pain.

It does get easier & less raw with time, altho' things like due dates & anniversaries of when you lost the baby are always hard. I normally light a candle & say a prayer. I regularly put flowers where he is buried. I still need to practice tolerance with women who have miscarriages & then say they were glad about them coz they didn't really want to give up smoking & drinking ( yes they do exist) I still have to avoid certain topics of discussion to avoid getting upset in public. Not one day goes by that I don't wonder what my babies would be like now.

Fortunately for me, I got pregnant again 5 months later & now have a 16 month old dd, which quite sucessfully distracted me. Most people don't even remember about the 2 before that I lost.

The positive to come out of the whole experience. I am a much better mother now I think. So much more tolerant. If Saffron is up all night, I really don't mind. Like I get tired, but I am still just so happy to have her. I am far more mellow as a person & much quieter & calmer. I am more spiritual too.

Try to be gentle on yourself in the coming weeks. Keep on your herbs & acupuncture. Make sure you take lots of EFAs & eat a good diet. The whole hormonal thing really doesn't help & contributes to the empty feelings heaps IMO. Sending you lots of
love & hugs.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Magda,

Your poem is such a tribute to your child. That he felt your deep love, if only for a short time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having had several miscarriages myself, I'll tell you - take the time you need to greive, I second OceanMama on self care. You must care for yourself both physically and emotionally in order to begin healing.

When you find people unsupportive, seek out support. There are many support groups for pregnancy and infant loss. I subscribed to many newsletters and found them so helpfull. I was able to read the jouney through greif of others and travel with them.

I'm glad you've found Mothering - this is a gentle and loving place. Let me know if you need any resources on books, support groups, newsletters or anything else.

I wish you peace as you travel on this journey of grief.


----------



## magda (May 5, 2002)

Thanks Oceanmamma for your giving heart- it radiates across the oceans!!! It is also a blessing to hear of your Saffron in your arms today. Do you feel this is the same spirit that was with you before, or is each child their own self from conception?

I wonder if any other women with "lost" spirit babies have strong feeeling on this?Also, have any of you found meaning or purpose in your loss, or does it just ache forever?

I guess I'm a little overwhelmed with "the big picture" today.

M-any thanks to you Ms.Mom- I would like some resources (books esp.) .
I count your generous soul as a great resource already- thank you for giving so much to so many in pain.


----------



## Xenogenesis (May 1, 2002)

Although I have never had to endure this experience, my heart is with you......


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

You know it is strange you ask this. After I lost the baby before Saffron, I really felt that he did not leave me. I felt a strong presence the whole time. But then Saffron was a girl. My ectopic was a bit confusing & very brutal so I am not sure as to where I stand there. I did used to see butterflies a lot in the oddest of places & continued to do so when I was pregnant with Saffron. I also used to see pairs of native woodpigeons. They had this habit of flying over whenever I put flowers under the puriri tree in our front yard where he is buried. Oh & Saffron was conceived on that big planetary line up we had in May 2000, which also felt very significant.

The loss does ache forever, but I think how you deal with it makes the difference & makes the ache more bearable & easier to live with. It becomes more part of your lifes experiences than some single event of great sufferening - if you get what I mean? I'll try & explain. If you view it as an isolated incident, a single event, there is no way you can ever justify it & you will spend your life reeling with the pain & the unfairness & so on. I know a couple of women like this & they have got very bitter & paranoid about other pregnant woman. Incidentally, neither have had any more children despite continued efforts which I think has become a vicious circle. It's like they have closed up & hidden inside a shell. I have tried talking to both these women but they are at a place in their lives where they do to want to listen & it's all still about them & their pain.

Now if you try to change how you see things. I started out by looking at the natural beauty of all the things around me. I used to go to the beach & look at the sea. Look at the cicadas. Look at flowers on the trees. The native birds. Nature has rhythms that ebb & flow & has no sense of our justice or judgement. I also tried to be more gracious in my actions to others. I tried to think far more before I spoke. I tried to look at what lesson I was supposed to learn from what had happened to me without getting too obsessive. I had some reikki which helped me more than anything I can describe. All the anger & bitterness literally evaporated. I felt a lot more at peace. I was also pretty obsessive about making sure it never happened again & got right into my diet, I had myself swabbed & tested for every antibacterial infection under the sun, I went to acupuncture every week. I gave up coffee...you name it. I found a great deal of comfort in doing something positive about it that way.

I met a woman when I was about 5 months pregnant with Saffron. She had gone for her 18 week scan & found out the baby had the worst form of spina bifida & probably would not survive birth. She decided to terminate. Because of this, she got a lot of councelling. She told me that what I had to remember was I had not only lost a child but a future. The future with my child. What he would have been, how he would have lived his life. This really helped me with the grief & understanding why it runs so deep & why is stays with you forever. I should also say that whenever I started to feel too sorry for myself I always just happened to meet another woman who'd lived through something a million times worse or I'd pick up a paper & read about something really horrific.

Now please bear in mind with all this I have a teenage daughter. I've never been a childless mother - just one who is missing a couple of her children so my take will be a bit different to others.

Please go gently on yourself since this is probably one of the worst things that will ever happen to you. Realise that we are all very different. This is only what worked for me. If you ever need anyone to listen or talk to you can always PM me. Sending you lots of love & hugs.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Sending hugs to all of you. Oceanmama you're an amazing person. It's beautiful to see how time softens the pain, but does not diminish the memory of our sweet spirit children.

I felt that my daughter was still with me, but that she was not going to be born. Almost as if she absorbed into me and made me more complete. I still feel her presence around me every day. The spring flowers bring me closer to her and the fall leaves. I do have a peace with her death now. But, that took many years and a lot of grief work. I don't feel at peace with the fact that I won't be able to raise her, just with the fact that she was and is my daughter and that my feelings for her are valid and meaningful.

These are some of the resources I have, The following newsletters offered me so much support and love;

SHARE - www.nationalshareoffice.com - support for woman who have lost a child
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center - www.pilc.org - support for woman who have lost a child
Bereavement Magazine - http://www.bereavementmag.com/ - lots of resources

These are some of the books I really found helpful;

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart : Surviving the Death of Your Baby
by Deborah L. Davis,Phd

Empty Arms : Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
by Sherokee Isle

When a Baby Dies : The Experience of Late Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death
by Nancy Kohner, Alix Henley

Miscarriage &#8230;Women Sharing From the Heart
By Marie Allen, Ph.D. & Shelly Marks, MS

When Hello Means Goodbye
By Pat Schweibert, RN and Paul Kirk, MD

When Men Grieve - Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help
By Elizabeth Levang, PhD

Limits of Miricles - Poems about the Loss of Babies - Marion Deutche Cohen

I Knew You For A Moment
By Pregnancy & Infant Loss Center

Peace and Gentleness to all you mamma's.


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

Quote:

I felt that my daughter was still with me, but that she was not going to be born. Almost as if she absorbed into me and made me more complete. I still feel her presence around me every day. The spring flowers bring me closer to her and the fall leaves. I do have a peace with her death now. But, that took many years and a lot of grief work. I don't feel at peace with the fact that I won't be able to raise her, just with the fact that she was and is my daughter and that my feelings for her are valid and meaningful
As I said to you the other day, you always seem to find the right words. That is probably the most eloquent & true statement I have ever read about how I feel about what happened to us - especially the bit about how she absorbed into you & made you more complete.

Sending you a big hug for being so wise, kind & sensitive & just being here for all of us.


----------



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hello friends,
I wanted to give my perspective about the spirit of our children and finding meaning in their deaths.

I am a Christian, and so I believe what the Bible says about God knowing every detail about our children from even before they were conceived. That gives me deep peace and helps me to love each of my babies for the people they are (Timothy & Stella miscarried, Thomas born alive). I think they, like all of us, lived the number of days God intended. And they are individual, unique, beautiful.

As to purpose, my first pregnancy was with Timothy, who died early August 1998, and I had a D&C a few days later. That experience was difficult, and I did not understand at the time why he had died so young. Actually, I still do not know the reason, but I am able to see so much good that has come from all that pain. It was because of our experience with the D&C that we looked into, and had a home birth with the birth of our son Thomas, and then with the miscarriage of our daughter Stella. After having experienced how great God designed my body to work to birth Thomas, I knew I could birth Stella too, although she was dead. And it took a lot of faith to wait the 11 weeks after her death for her to be born.

My feeling is that even though life can be difficult, painful, and puzzling sometimes, when I looked to God for meaning and strength, he provided that along with blessings beyond measure.
Sarah


----------



## umiak (May 14, 2002)

Magda, Thank you for sharing your heart-story and poem. I wish you much love in your healing.

I am grateful to all the women who posted responses here, for places in my heart are stimulated and cause me to travel into new places there. I hope for love, blessings, healing to continue to touch each of us.


----------

