# Do you think it's cruel not to make children extra food if they don't like what you made?



## OliveJewel (Feb 7, 2008)

I see myself as an open-minded peaceful parent who prefers to talk rather than use discipline. I would probably consider myself a permissive parent: I allow my kids to watch tv and play computer games when they like, for the most part, after dinner it is my husband's turn to watch tv, and we try to be in bed by eight pm. my kids attend a school that practices progressive education, so they have no homework and their school work is mostly self directed.

that said, every night when i make dinner, for myself, my husband, my parents, and my three children, the oldest and the middle, to a lesser degree, balk at dinner and I don't make them anything else to eat no matter how they gripe. later on when they are hungry before bed, they end up eating a fruit, and sometimes they eat cereal.

so i don't keep food away from them, but i tell them that fruit and cereal are poor dinners. my husband tells me that i need to cater to them, for their own health, so that they will eat right.

i don't stop my husband from buying cereal. i have tried in the past but he says he wants to get it anyway. i am worried about their health too, but am i wrong to think that if i just keep serving them and eating it in front of them that they will eventually just see that it is good, delicious food? they are 8 and 4 and 1. the 1yo eats most everything, as the boys both did when they were young as well. since i am making meals for seven humans, i feel that it is reasonable to make one dinner that we all eat. it is good food and nutritious and tasty.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

I don't think that one person can decide if food is "delicious" or "tasty" for another person.

That said, I don't think it's wrong to not make separate cooked-to-order meals for each family member. I'd try to make sure there was something everyone would eat at each meal, and if they preferred fruit and cereal (as long as it was healthy cereal with milk or some other protein), then that's their choice.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I think it is reasonable to only make one dinner. And I do think that their eating is likely to expand when they're exposed to different foods and see you enjoying them.

In the meantime, I think it is also reasonable for you to set an alternative to the dinner if you don't want them eating fruit and cereal every night. The blog It's Not About Nutrition has a post called How Cottage Cheese Changed My Life or something like that. The blogger's 6yo often wouldn't like the dinner she made so she chose a single alternative. She wanted it to be easy, nutritious, readily available and something her child liked but didn't love (otherwise it would always look better than dinner). Her child could either have dinner or cottage cheese. She says it worked very well for them. Not sure how it fits with a permissive parenting philosophy but, might be worth a try if you want to stop the cereal.


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

For a long time we did the "dinner or plain yogurt" option, similar to the cottage cheese plan the previous poster described. I thought he would eventually get tired of yogurt but he never did. Now we have a two-bite rule. My DS (5 yo) has to take two bites of our meal before he decides he doesn't want it. Half of the time he decides he likes it (after whining and retching over it just minutes before). He eats a huge healthy breakfast and a good lunch so I don't worry to much if he refuses his dinner. I don't allow snacks after dinner if he refuses to eat anything. For awhile we were going through a phase of refusing dinner, then crying that he was starving before bed and getting cereal. Now I just wrap up his dinner and if he says he's starving he's welcome to try it again. He's much more likely to his dinner if he knows he can't get cereal or a bar before bed.

I don't think it is cruel or unreasonable at all. We're a household of four people and we are lucky to have healthy nutritious food on our table for three meals.


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## JoyFilled (Sep 12, 2008)

We had foster kids and would cater to them and make them "kid" food. They left our house for a year and the people they were with ran supper like you do. Now when these kids visit they are willing to eat anything we serve - all vegetables. I believe we were doing a disservice to them.

I have heard a nutritionist say to foster parents "If there is nothing that the kid will eat on the table then he/she can make themselves a PBJ sandwhich for supper".

Our doctor said to make sure that there is one item on the table that the child likes and let them eat that.


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

We often disassemble a meal if we know they will refuse it. Like for fajitas, setting aside some seasoned chicken and putting it in a quesadilla. My kids are excellent veggie eaters, but dd has taken a long time to warm up to peppers and onions. We've also sautéed onions and/or peppers in a separate pan if making stir fry, then those who like them can add them to their plate, and the kids eat the rest of the stir fry without complaint.

Sent from my SPH-D700 using Tapatalk 2


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

An occasional dinner of fruit and cereal is one thing. On a regular basis? This is probably the unpopular view, but "yes", I think it is cruel.

I consider myself to be permissive, but always keep what is best for my child in mind. TV and computer games (unless educational) are not good, therefore they can be eliminated. Dinner is food -- a necessity. Therefore it is important that children and their preferences are taken into consideration.

Before anyone jumps on me, saying they do take their children into consideration and the children refuse to eat, I cannot go to your house and see for myself how well you listen to your children. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, and only those in your home know.

Now let me tell you where I'm coming from. I grew up with undiagnosed food allergies/intolerances. I suffered, while my mother believed she was providing good food. Because of those experiences, I always side with the child.

Make sure you listen to why the dinner is not liked, and do your best to provide alternatives that are better than fruit and cereal. Especially as I doubt lunch is stellar at school. As the parent, you do have an obligation to provide healthy food for your children, which means they have to be able and willing to eat it.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Nope. I'm no short order cook. Once my children were physically able to make their own PB and J or pour their own bowl of cereal..... I made one meal for the family. One.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Nope. I'm no short order cook.


My kids are 2 and 4. I cook one meal. Our go-to alternative is cheese and salami and we have a hanging fruit basket the kids access at will. I don't limit access to eating but my effort is worth something and I'm not going to teach my children that it is ok to be demanding and rude.

ETA: we also have a two bite rule. And I do cater to likes when I'm cooking. We have no allergies. No one likes onions. I don't make anyone eat peppers if they don't like them. My rule is, "It is ok to pick around food on your plate and not eat the stuff you don't like but you must try it and you must be polite to the cook." In our house when we sit down the non-cooking parent models appreciation for the effort of cooking at every meal. My husband makes breakfast and I make dinner.


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

Well, I'll admit I'm sometimes an experimenter in the kitchen, and I like some weird stuff that doesn't quite jive with the palate of a 5 y.o. So, yes, I sometimes put together something different for DD. We're on the grazing side anyway, here, so it's not uncommon to have several things available (that don't require heating/cooking) that are my go-tos when dd thinks my dinner stinks. She has a right to her opinion too, and if she wants to eat carrots and avocados for dinner instead of moroccan stew, I guess I can concede. This does throw me off sometimes, though. I never expected her to like pea soup, so I didn't make her any. She ate mine. I warmed up more for me ;-)

For the record, PB n J is a very rare treat...it goes in the same category as candy here....so I wouldn't offer it up as a dinner option, typically.

We have only rice puffs as cereal here, but once in a blue moon I'll bring home some other kind. It's for weekends only, though (since they are so loaded with sweet).


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I only make one meal, but I always have a few things on hand that they can get together themselves if they want. Those things are not much fun or they'd always choose them, but they're things like nuts, carrot sticks, peanut butter, apples, etc. They can make themselves something if they don't like what I cook.

I also often give them a version of what I make - like keep the parts separate for them so they can have the bits they like but not everything.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *OliveJewel*
> 
> I see myself as an open-minded peaceful parent who prefers to talk rather than use discipline. I would probably consider myself a permissive parent: I allow my kids to watch tv and play computer games when they like, for the most part, after dinner it is my husband's turn to watch tv, and we try to be in bed by eight pm. my kids attend a school that practices progressive education, so they have no homework and their school work is mostly self directed.
> 
> ...


It's your opinion that it is "good, delicious food". My dh LOVES beets. I think they taste like dirt. If he told me they would "good, delicious food" and I had to have that or cereal instead of a veggie that I enjoy, I'd be very unhappy. My children are allowed to choose what food they like to eat.

If you know they won't like it, then I think it's not ok to put it out and say "this is it". If they taste it and don't like it, then I think it's fine to let them have something else like cheese and an apple. If they are just stomping their feet because they would rather eat Skittles, then heck no, eat your dinner. If someone made me dinner and I didn't like it, I would be furious if I wasn't allowed something else to eat.

My dd isn't picky but she loves buttered noodles. This makes me crazy because HELLO, it's just noodles. But when I make casseroles that I know she won't enjoy, I pull out a serving of plain noodles for her. It's not the best dinner but she's welcome to have a serving of whatever else I made (that she likes and will eat, but would rather just eat noodles). If she chooses not to have more dinner that's on her. But it's not because she doesn't like it, it's because she chooses not to eat it.

I will NEVER battle with my kids over food. They aren't eating Pop Tarts for dinner, but they don't have to eat what I make.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Oh vegetables. I forgot that. I always make two or three kinds - I just steam them all together - for a couple of reasons. 1) there is at least one kind of veggie that everyone likes. 2) I think you end up eating more veggies without noticing how many you're having when there's more than one kind.


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## MrsGregory (Dec 21, 2011)

Ha! I've already instituted the "one meal" rule, and when she refuses but is still standing at the pantry door crying and saying "I eat!" and "Bites!" and "Please!", I give her bread with peanut butter or hazelnut spread on it. You know, the husband-person gave me crap about it, something about "bread and water" for her. As the cook, I find the "dinner or PBJ" method very reasonable.


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

I only make one meal, but I will split apart the meal for the kids if i know they won't eat it the way I make it. Mainly for tacos or fajitas, or something like that. My older DS, who's almost 4, is just starting to get the hang of tacos. But generally they eat what I make, they are pretty good eaters. And they love their veggies, but we are vegetarians so they graze on veggies all day almost.

If I make something new, I do make them at least try it. Like last night I made sweet potato and onion stuffed shells for the 1st time. My older DS complained the he didn't like them the whole time he was eating, but still ended up eating his whole meal. My younger DS tried one bite and then wouldn't touch them. He ate all his green beans and then had yogurt instead. If its something I know they love, like spaghetti or veggie burgers, I don't give in to them not eating it and they don't get any snacks after dinner. If they are hungry before bed they get their dinner - and most of the time will scarf it down at that time.

I'm not naive or mean, I know there are some foods my kids don't like and I won't make them eat it. But I also won't send them to bed hungry.


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## MountainMamaGC (Jun 23, 2008)

I offer her a plate of food. She has about 20-30 min to eat, and then she has to wait till the next meal time. She has 5 meal times in a day, another opportunity will come to eat. That being said if its something I know is a little spicy, she can have a PB&J. I dont pressure her to eat anything. Sometimes if she is distracted I will try to get a couple more bites in her, but I wont fight about it.


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## Escaping (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't think there is a correct answer... as a kid I remember being fed "one meal" that was nutritious and "delicious" (to an adult lol) and if I didn't eat it, it would be wrapped up and saved in the fridge for when I was ready to eat it. At the time, I wasn't trying to be difficult or picky, it was just truely vile and would make me nauseous in normal doses, now as an adult, I really love those foods, go figure lol

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a person to be able to cook 7 separate meals multiple times a day but at the same time, everyone's nutritional needs must be met... maybe give them more input on what you prepare and have the adults be more flexible if it means eating the same meal repeated 2-3 times a week? Or cook a large batch of something the kids like and freeze it into tv dinners? ...or get creative in how you serve the food, like different containers or cutlery every time?


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> I consider myself to be permissive, but always keep what is best for my child in mind. TV and computer games (unless educational) are not good, therefore they can be eliminated. Dinner is food -- a necessity. Therefore it is important that children and their preferences are taken into consideration.
> 
> ...


I agree with this.

I don't think that cereal is cruel, but it is a good sign that perhaps your dinner isn't accommodating them well enough. They are probably old enough to help devise a menu with you. You don't want to be making 5 dinners, but you can work to accommodate them in general.

And as far as short-order cook I hear about time and time again--what's the big deal about this? Why the line-in-the-sand directive that kids eat whats on the table or else? Unless your kids are helping cook and plan the meals, unless they have regular input in what will be served I think that it's harsh and unfair. (And in the case of undiagnosed allergies downright bad for you.)

We *have* to make different things in our house due to severe and competing allergies. Adding a terrible picky eater into the mix was frustrating, but a no-brainer. We were already making several different things for the table, why not accommodate her, too? Cooking this way is really not that hard, I don't understand why people get so oppositional. Sure, it took some working out. And yes, now and then they will ask for something, I will make it, they change their minds and I say "nothin' doin', you asked for this, I made it, I will not make yet one more thing".

We make several things, keep them rather plain, my husband and I might pile everything together and add cheese (no cooking *with* dairy in our house) and hot sauce. On nights that I make chicken soup (with potatoes--no wheat for my oldest), I make a few egg noodles for dd2 in some (perfectly strained and clear) broth. I usually make wheat-free cornbread, and I pop down a slice of homemade wheat bread (I can't have corn). I steam some cauliflower, and dh and I might add this to the soup or just nosh on it plain. DD2 might snub the noodles she asked for, but she can eat yogurt and cornbread, and dh will add her noodles to his soup.

It's not that hard. In my grumpier moments, I feel like it's more a power trip than an honest effort to help kids tolerate diversity in their diet. Now, growing up, we were 3 young girls with a mother freshly divorced from a deadbeat dad. What we had on the table was often the only thing in the house. So, I get that this can be necessary. But I simply don't understand the depression-era rigidity, especially amongst AP parents. That's a pretty top-down way of dealing with this issue.









All that said, I think it's a far stretch to say it's "cruel" to offer cereal and fruit for dinner. If their diet is nicely varied, I don't even see the trouble eating it every night. Again, if they are wanting to eat it every night, you probably need to reconsider your menu.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Sweet Silver--I think that a lot of my "top down" style of handling this is because I hate cooking. I'm bad at it. At this point in time it is the big point of friction in my life. (Laundry is no longer so bad now that we are done with cloth diapers. YAY!) I grew up eating ramen two meals a day and eating free lunch at school. Learning how to cook vegetables and meat has been a major journey for me. If my kids had allergies or serious issues I would deal with them. But children all over the world are handed a pile of vegetables and they can eat it or not eat it. I don't see why it's mean.

But I have a house where everyone is pretty content to eat my cooking once they get past the first "I don't wanna" bite. We have no allergies or major problem preferences. (My youngest won't eat potatoes. Fine. I don't put any on her plate.) I certainly don't force feed them. But I've worked really hard on cooking and if they snub it just because it makes me cry. Is this my issue? Of course. But we have to live together. And I don't see why it is mean for them to understand very early that preparing food requires effort and when people put forth effort for you it's polite to not complain about it. You don't have to eat it. You can push your food around on your plate and fib a little and tell me, "I guess I'm not that hungry" and after dinner eat an apple.

I feel like food culture overlaps with all kinds of other manner issues. And I have so few areas in life where I tell my kids that they should appreciate my efforts (I sure as heck don't expect them to appreciate me cleaning the house or doing their laundry at this stage) that I have made a stand on food. Is it appropriate? Maybe not. I feel like in the scheme of things if this is my big thing then I'm doing ok. I'm not that controlling about food. If we are out they can eat whatever they want. I don't limit sugar or treats or anything like that. If it is in the house they can eat it. But when I bloody make dinner be nice to me. Darn it.

I do recognize that I would have to have a different attitude if my kids had health issues. So can I say that I have made this stand with a conscious eye towards the fact that it is a privileged point of view?


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I don't think it's cruel not to make them extra food if they don't like dinner. If they are fine with cereal & fruit as a bedtime snack - and you are too - that's fine. If your dh isn't happy, come up with a better but acceptable post-dinner snack. Like - is he worried about not enough veggies, or protein, or something specific? You can make small adjustments to your dinners or what's available for snacking to compensate for those concerns.

I personally, sometimes do the multiple extra food thing. We have allergies and picky eaters, some vegetarians and some not. I'll make dh a pork chop sometimes, I'll heat up preferred leftovers for a kid who doesn't like 'regular dinner' as much as everyone else, I'll make boxed mac & cheese for the kids and make something yummier (to me) for myself & dh. I personally have just seen too many food issues around us that I don't want to make it a power struggle, and in our home it ends up going that way (just due to our personalities and preferences, I suspect). That isn't worth it for me. I enjoy food - I easily make a special one-off dinner for myself and something else for everyone else sometimes.









I do expect the kids to try foods, not make rude comments about it at the table, and to speak with me in the kitchen (and not at the table) if they can't figure out something else to eat (we'll easily do toast/bagels/oatmeal/scrambled egg/yogurt/sandwich as dinner alternative as dd1 can make most of this herself with a bit of help). I do expect the kids to let me finish eating before I run off to do more cooking for them if it's really necessary. I expect their assistance to clean up and put away whatever it is that they prefer not to eat. I do keep in mind what things they do or don't like as much when I go about planning and cooking dinner. I certainly don't make 4 different meals every day of the week either for everyone. I do happen to do lots of customizable meals (think: tacos, chili, veg dogs, rice & beans, fajitas where you have a variety of toppings to choose from in addition to the main item) - this helps us avoid some of our struggles.


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## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

I make them try it. Each time. Even if it's something I know they usually hate (like my son with mushrooms). Every now and then, they surprise me by deciding they now like a previously hated food.

I try and provide a good variety at dinner, and allow them to pick out the parts they don't like.

And I try to set a good example by making things sometimes that *I* hate (but everyone else likes), and putting on a brave face and eating the peas or corn that make me want to wretch. =P If I can suck it up, then they'll be more likely to bravely try something they don't like, as well.

We allow them to freely eat fruit, vegetables, or yogurt whenever they want. So if they finish dinner, but don't really fill their bellies, there's always something they can help themselves to, later.

I won't force them to eat something they don't like, though. I worry it'll cause food issues. I encourage them to try it (reminding them that their tastes change over time), but don't force them to finish what's on their plates.


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MountainMamaGC*
> 
> I offer her a plate of food. She has about 20-30 min to eat, and then she has to wait till the next meal time. She has 5 meal times in a day, another opportunity will come to eat. That being said if its something I know is a little spicy, she can have a PB&J. I dont pressure her to eat anything. Sometimes if she is distracted I will try to get a couple more bites in her, but I wont fight about it.


This seems strange to me. Why do you set a time limit on how long she has to eat? Even as an adult I'll take longer than 20 minutes to eat sometimes.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mumkimum*
> 
> I do expect the kids to try foods, not make rude comments about it at the table, and to speak with me in the kitchen (and not at the table) if they can't figure out something else to eat (we'll easily do toast/bagels/oatmeal/scrambled egg/yogurt/sandwich as dinner alternative as dd1 can make most of this herself with a bit of help). I do expect the kids to let me finish eating before I run off to do more cooking for them if it's really necessary. I expect their assistance to clean up and put away whatever it is that they prefer not to eat. I do keep in mind what things they do or don't like as much when I go about planning and cooking dinner. I certainly don't make 4 different meals every day of the week either for everyone. I do happen to do lots of customizable meals (think: tacos, chili, veg dogs, rice & beans, fajitas where you have a variety of toppings to choose from in addition to the main item) - this helps us avoid some of our struggles.


While I don't expect them to try foods, we do have this rule: "eat what you like, don't eat what you don't like, and don't make a *fuss*." I do like hearing them speak about what they like and don't like, but I don't want them to whine and complain in a "woe-is-me" kind of way. They really shouldn't, seeing as how liberal our food "policies" are in this house. And they don't, mostly.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Something that has improved family meal time at our house has been an explanation that we all eat our "not so favorite" meal from time to time. I reminded my family that I hardly ever eat my favorite meal (I reminded them what that may look like and how much they would not like it) because I am more flexible about what I am willing to eat. I then asked the same from them and from there we made a list of things that everyone liked enough to have from time to time. The rule is: "If we have the ingredients for something on that list and someone was willing to cook it, that's what everyone would eat." It's been working pretty well so far.


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## MrsGregory (Dec 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama*
> 
> Something that has improved family meal time at our house has been an explanation that we all eat our "not so favorite" meal from time to time. I reminded my family that I hardly ever eat my favorite meal (I reminded them what that may look like and how much they would not like it) because I am more flexible about what I am willing to eat. I then asked the same from them and from there we made a list of things that everyone liked enough to have from time to time. The rule is: "If we have the ingredients for something on that list and someone was willing to cook it, that's what everyone would eat." It's been working pretty well so far.


This right here!

Like others here, as a child I was forced to eat "delicious", nutritious food that made me sick. Literally sick. Not eating was not an option. A PBJ instead was not an option. The situation was so clearly, clearly a power struggle. My mother (and father, who ultimately excused me from liver after I was sick on him and his dinner plate one evening) both love liver. So I would too, or else.

I've had to "enlist" my husband in some vegetable rules. Sadly, vegetables weren't presented in a very appetizing way at his childhood home, and as a result he tends to give the green stuff the hairy eyeball. I've explained that he is excused from the vegetables I don't like (Since why would I fix a vegetable I don't like if he doesn't either?) and two in addition. Everything else we have to find a way for him to eat, so he can be a part of the good example we need to set. Many failed experiments led to him finally discovering that he can "stand" sweet potatoes and yams in chili with black beans. HUZZAH! So aside from Thanksgiving and snacks, that's the only way sweet potatoes are served at our house right now. Because it's not a power struggle, no, but I do need the family unit to eat cheap, nutritious food, and I'm not about to start making 3 different meals every night.

But it must, must, just must be egalitarian. I am not terribly fond of red gravy, but my husband loves the stuff. So once a week or every two weeks, Mama makes and eats red gravy, and Papa's happier than a pig in slop. (I assure you, the metaphor is apt.)

We all eat our "not so favorite" sometimes. If you really just can't eat it, the pantry is right there, bread and peanut butter are on the same shelf for ease of access. But no, it really doesn't need to be a power struggle.

I will mention, my littlest brother has some real issues with food. There are about 7 things on this planet he will eat. The brother I grew up with and I, on the other hand, usually ask what it is we're eating with our mouths already full. (We've regretted this from time to time.) We could probably eat roadkill and not so much as hiccup. But the little one?

When he visited, I had about 3 days worth of food to plan, and I didn't bother asking if he'd eat it or not. I stocked the pantry with his favorite canned dinner. When I put the food out, he asked where his was, and I pointed to he pantry. (He's a grown man, can use a pan and all that.) We know he's got special food needs, he knows he's got special food needs, and if nobody loves him enough to make him his special dinner that day, he knows where his cans are. The way we see it, this is the most fair for everyone. He's been attended to, and nobody got put out. Obviously this method has only worked since he's become an adult and all gas-stove operating an all.

Food is such a sensitive issue because it's one of the most primal, basic ways in which we nurture each other.

Just my $.02 anyway.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Liver was the one thing that my mother acknowledged that I had a problem with, because the reaction was so immediate and happened even when she ground it and hid it. Other than that, I suffered as my discomfort was rationalized away.

I agree that the children should not be rude, but neither should the cook. Putting food down with an 'eat this or nothing' attitude is rude. And cereal and fruit nightly is poor nutrition. If the situation is bad enough that the dad noticed, it is worrying to me. Males, in my experience, usually don't notice things like that. (And please don't tell me about the occasional male who does notice.) And I doubt the school lunch is nutritious, in *this* day and age.

I agree what so many have said about making a meal that has something for everyone. That is reasonable.


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## JoyFilled (Sep 12, 2008)

A rule we have is that you have to stay at the table until we are all done. We sit and chat and sometimes a child will taste (and then eat) something they refused earlier because I am not fast coming with something else.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

I am not a short order %)(#$& cook. Do not like my dinner? Grab an apple and go to bed.

When I was growing up in Russia, in the winter, there was not even an apple to grab.

I am good cook and I serve variety of foods at dinner. Main dish and yummy side dishes. I never insisted on everything being eaten but I would never make an extra meal for a "picky kid"

My kid are great and adventurous eaters. Half of their friends are pastafarians.

There is a difference between kindness and compassion. Kindness can be enabling and compassion can appear cruel.

It may be kind to make a second dinner but the the child will grow up feeling entitlement to a special treatment all the time and with very narrow tastes.

Denying an additional dinner may seem cruel but the ability to try different food and getting along with people will serve your child well!.


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## bmcneal (Nov 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MrsGregory*
> 
> Ha! I've already instituted the "one meal" rule, and when she refuses but is still standing at the pantry door crying and saying "I eat!" and "Bites!" and "Please!", I give her bread with peanut butter or hazelnut spread on it. You know, the husband-person gave me crap about it, something about "bread and water" for her. As the cook, I find the "dinner or PBJ" method very reasonable.


This is what I do, too. Except with so much sensitivity to different textures and foods, there isn't a lot that I make that they truly don't like.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alenushka*
> 
> I am not a short order %)(#$& cook. Do not like my dinner? Grab an apple and go to bed.
> 
> ...


This is extremely cruel if the child has a food intolerance or allergy. Parents don't always recognize or believe that a there is a physical problem. I suffered a lot growing up, and spent too many years hungry and criticized for "pickiness"


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Well I only cook one meal but I take DS's preferences into account when I cook it. Also, he has free reign of the kitchen, and I try to make sure there are always healthy(ish) snacks around: fruit, hummus & crackers, cheese, leftover cooked veggies, yogurt, nuts, etc. so he can grab a simple snack any time he's hungry without me having to prepare extra food.

I don't think it's cruel to refuse to be a short-order cook, but I do think that if your kids are refusing dinner every single night (and are going hungry) then you might want to consider changing your menus up a bit so they can actually eat something. What kind of meals do you make?


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## jmarroq (Jul 2, 2008)

Oh, I so hear you. Nobody in my house agrees on food. My husband and son are incredibly picky eaters. My husband could eat steak every night and he has hereditary high cholesterol and is on meds. He likes everything plain, which is easy. I just make some frozen veggies to go with it and an occasional starch for him. My son is the same exact way, except he likes sea salt on his veggies. Easy enough. My daughter is more adventurous with food. I usually make something else for me and her on the nights when the boys have steaks or burgers. We like fish, veggies, beans, etc. She devoured the lima beans tonight! She has been eating salad since 2 years old but my 10 year old son won't touch it. To make matters worse, my daughter has had stomach issues, since infancy. So, I have to limit acidic and spicy foods for her, which she loves. Adores tomatoes, vinegar, etc. We go for more testing tomorrow. So, needless to say, I make simple meals, but a variety of stuff, so that everyone eats. I feel really bad, but when I have had a bad day and my daughter is rude, and I am giving her a choice of two things she usually eats, and she still says she doesn't want either, I have been known to say.."I guess you're not eating, then." She eventually comes around. My kids will try to get away with not eating their veggies too. I will say "two more pieces of broccoli and you can have dessert" and they will pick the smallest pieces. My parents were pretty hard on us and really tried to force us to finish our food. I think it effected my sister more, as she would physically gag. There were many scenes at the dinner table. My parents were from European immigrant families who survived wars and the depression, so they were probably forced to stay at the table until they ate as well. Probably not the best approach, but me cooking two different meals, and allowing my kids to have dessert when they didn't eat all their food is not good either!


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## jmarroq (Jul 2, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alenushka*
> 
> I am not a short order %)(#$& cook. Do not like my dinner? Grab an apple and go to bed.
> 
> ...


You might be on to something with the sense of entitlement thing. My husband grew up with a live-in nanny who spoiled him rotten. She would cook his favorite foods all the time. Now he is an incredibly picky eater. I'll eat anything, pretty much, or at least try it to be polite. Thanks a lot Nana!


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Or maybe not...http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/10/dining/10pick.html?pagewanted=all


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## loveandgarbage (Feb 5, 2008)

We have one picky eater in the house, my 6.5 yr old, and we let him make himself an alternate dinner if he doesn't like what I've served. But I keep him in mind when I'm cooking most of the time-- like separating out ingredients because he likes stuff plain, like is more likely to eat quinoa than quinoa pilaf, etc. And we have full out meals that he likes often that don't have to involve separating, like mac n cheese and pizza. He might not eat the broccoli on the side, but at least he's eating what we're eating!

Cereal and milk isn't the worst meal by any stretch, but maybe give them another option, too, if there's something else easy to grab. Like a sandwich, a bagel with hummus or cream cheese, etc. We also tried to make the rule that either carrots or an apple should be part of the alternate meal, but sometimes that doesn't happen.

Since I was a very picky eater as a kid I really relate to my son. Food can be scary. It can make you gag if you don't want it. No one should be forced to eat something or made to go hungry (within reason). I think a nice "no thank you helping" as my mom called it is a good idea. Encourage bites, but don't force it.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Nutritional deficiencies can also cause poor eating. For instance, low iron causes poor appetite. Anise pizzelles before a meal has been known to increase appetite.


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## velveeta (May 30, 2002)

My kids do have allergies, intolerances, etc. but the respect and kindness issue needs to work for everyone. The food situation is exhausting sometimes. I do make a very high fat smoothie that I feel is a good alternative if my kids do not care for the dinner I made. Egg yolks, butter, coconut oil, hot almond milk, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, stevia or honey.

However, I believe it is important to explain over and over to kids that sharing a meal is not always about what you like or don't like. I try to make dinners that everyone likes. If it is some crazy kale bean soup, I do provide an alternative. I will eat anything that someone offers me in their home, and cringe if I consider telling a host, oh, I don't care for rutabagas. And I do have food allergies.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

I mentioned this upthread, but again, I would be more upset at being told food was delicious and tasty and I *should* like it than being told "it's what's for dinner, grab an apple and some cheese if you don't like it". Even as adults, I have very different tastes in food than one of my parents. It always made me feel small and terrible when I was told I was wrong for not liking certain things (I am slightly- to moderately-picky, but generally not a difficult person to feed as I can usually find something I will eat).


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

I do not make an extra meal, nor do I allow the kids (or adults!) to make another meal (i.e. pbj etc.) I do allow them to have a healthy bedtime snack whether they eat dinner or not (usually a banana). I don't allow making something else because I can guarantee if one kid didn't want their dinner and made a sandwich, the rest would quickly follow and I am not making dinner just for everyone else to make something else!

I do not require them to eat all of their dinner, just to try it. Likewise, they are mostly welcome to only eat part of their dinners-like, my dd will pick out the beans from her chilli and leave the rest and that is fine with me. I do my best to accomodate where I can, like putting sauce on the side of pasta if they don't love it, or making burritos with just beans and cheese instead of the works. I make a really strong effort to make sure I make dinners that most people like whenever I can and I ask for input from the kids about what they want to eat, but I also explain that we can't all have our favorite foods every day because we all have different faves! It works out fine. I don't think I am being cruel and I don't think they are being traumatized, it is just the reality of living on a low budget and little time!

I should also note that I only do this for dinner-they are welcome to choose and make what they want for breakfast and lunch as long as it is balanced and healthy.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

I do not tell people that they are bad for not liking food I made, but I am not a short order cook. If someone does not like my food, they can make their own. After whole long day at works the last thing I need is to make 3 dinners.

Adults and children all over the world are not picky as they are in US.

Both of my kids are now really good cooks.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alenushka*
> 
> I do not tell people that they are bad for not liking food I made, but I am not a short order cook. If someone does not like my food, they can make their own. After whole long day at works the last thing I need is to make 3 dinners.


I agree with that. I have no problem with telling kids who are old enough to fend for themselves, or giving a younger kid an apple and a cheese stick. I don't think parents need to be caterers or short-order cooks. I do think it's rather un-gentle to insist that something a child clearly doesn't care for is "delicious": that's disrespectful of the child's feelings. (And yes, it's disrespectful for a child to be rude about what's being served. I wouldn't be okay with that either.)


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alenushka*
> 
> Adults and children all over the world are not picky as they are in US.


Could it be the culture of child-rearing? More strict? Could it be that extended families, also more common outside the US, can help with raising children who aren't intensely picky? Could it be that we in the US are phenomenally crappy cooks?


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chickabiddy*
> 
> I agree with that. I have no problem with telling kids who are old enough to fend for themselves, or giving a younger kid an apple and a cheese stick. I don't think parents need to be caterers or short-order cooks. I do think it's rather un-gentle to insist that something a child clearly doesn't care for is "delicious": that's disrespectful of the child's feelings. (And yes, it's disrespectful for a child to be rude about what's being served. I wouldn't be okay with that either.)


 I seem to be one of the stricter respondents, but I would never insist that my kids pretend to like something or that it is delicious. Our rule is that if they don't like something, they may say so politely ONE time and then that it is-I got it. No making faces, huffing and puffing, whining about it. They don't have to eat it, but that is what is for dinner. In return, I make note of their dislike and try not to make it a regular dish or at least serve it with sides they do like.

It actually drives me crazy when one person says they don't like something only to have another, adult or child, chime in with, "Oh, but I LOVE it, it is sooo good," etc. We don't all like the same things! It is silly to expect us too, but also silly to expect that mama's going to make everyone happy every single night of the week. I, for one, am extremely excited for the time when my kids get to take turns making meals too-and I promise to eat or politely refuse what they serve and deal with it


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

It's not about being a short order cook, but is about respect going from parent to child as well as from child to parent. No one said the children should be allowed to be obnoxious. I thought that was abundantly clear in the early responses. However, the parent is not allowed to be obnoxious, either, and some of the more recent posts are bordering on parental poor behavior.

And a situation where a child is repeatedly bypassing the meal shows questionable choices for dinner on the part of the cook. Again, this is not about an occasional meal that is disliked. Those of us who consider our children's feelings and preferences may choose to occasionally choose to make something not preferred, but there would be an alternative that would be eaten. It is no fun to be hungry and watch others eat. It is, in my opinion, cruel.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I cook one meal and that is what we have. Dessert is for after that meal is eaten. I used to bend over backwards and do another meal or snack from the same foodgroup but when dd was six I had a serious drop in income and couldn't afford to do that anymore. I was open about not having other options and my dd very quickly got over being picky. Even though I felt awful at the time for having to make the change it is really one of the best things that happened to us because it took a big weight off of me and my dd branched out in a way she was never willing to do when there were many options.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

For those who expect their children to behave as though guests in their own home, I certainly hope you are behaving like good hosts.

I have *never* been told I must eat three bites of something before I can leave the table when I am a guest. I would not return to have dinner in a house where I am told to eat what's before me or just sit there and maybe grab myself an apple after dinner.

It is a double standard to expect a child to behave as a guest, while the cook/server is *not* behaving as a host.

So family dinner is different than dining at someone else's house.

Maybe we all should consider the day when we are in an old age home. Would we *want* to be treated the way we treat our children? If the answer is "yes", then I guess you're doing alright. If the answer is "no", then change is in order.

There are two issues being kicked around here.
1. Providing healthy food for our children
2. Being treated with respect, ourselves.

I believe it is possible to provide healthy food for a child while respecting that child, and still be respected.


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## azzeps (Sep 7, 2007)

I don't think anyone's brought up Ellyn Satter yet, so I will! I like her "family friendly" approach to meals, instead of catering or short order cooking:

http://www.ellynsatter.com/mastering-family-meals-step-four-do-family-friendly-feeding-i-68.html


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

"Do you think it's cruel not to make children extra food if they don't like what you made?"

I guess it depends on how you handle the situation. Forcing your child to sit at the table until they eat the food you made or refusing to let them eat any other food until that particular plate of food was eaten would be cruel, IMO. Trying to make them feel bad or punishing them would be cruel.

A parent making different meals for everyone every time they don't like something that is served would be ridiculous and overly indulgent.

Teaching the kids to not make a fuss and just go get a sandwich, fruit or a bowl of cereal occasionally if they don't want the meal made sounds healthy and reasonable to me. It teaches them to take care of their own needs.

In my home, I ask everyone for input when I plan meals. I take dd's suggestions for a few nights each week. Some nights she absolutely isn't going to want what dh and I are eating.

I might ask her to taste something before deciding she doesn't want it if it is new. I don't make her sit there and starve or get upset over it. I don't cook a different meal for her but she can make a sandwich or something else on her own and eat it while we eat the other food. It is just one meal out of the day and for me food is not worth entering into some stupid battle of wills over. It isn't going to crush her nutritionally to eat something different. Dd might try more variety of foods as she gets older but if she doesn't want to that is her business.

I've never heard anyone say they love a food because they were forced to eat it as a kid.


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm with Alenushka. I make one meal and that's dinner. Usually DD will try it although she may not like it. Fine by me. She gets a healthy, quick alternative. She has zero allergies or issues with textures. She eats spicy food happily. But if shes just not feeling mashed potatoes, broccoli and chicken tonight, thats fine. She gets raw carrots, cheese, yogurt, avocado, etc instead. I understand that for some kids there are sensitivities at play and if DD ALWAYS refused cauliflower for example, I'd just build in an alternative. I usually make mixed vegetables and she picks out what she feels like that day. I'm not ever going to push something specific on her but I will continue to cook what works for us and serve it. She can have it or not, though most things she will at least try.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch? Maybe that's for another thread.

Some folks are saying they make only one meal, but are also saying they make an effort to ensure the child(ren) have something on the table they will eat, or make a quick alternative. That's good.

Some folks are saying they make only one meal and expect it to be eaten, but don't say if they consider preferences or needs. Not so good. Maybe they are being considerate and just haven't communicated it well here.

What about the OP? Do the meals offered ignore the preferences or needs of all? Or only the adults? What alternatives does your husband feel you should be offering? How were meals handled in your childhood home?


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## glassesgirlnj (Mar 15, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *pek64* 

For those who expect their children to behave as though guests in their own home, I certainly hope you are behaving like good hosts.
I like this analogy a lot! That being said...

I would not return to have dinner in a house where I am told to eat what's before me or just sit there and maybe grab myself an apple after dinner.

Do you attend a lot of dinner parties? I can't imagine a hostess TELLING the guests to "eat what's before [them] or just sit there"... But my understanding is, the polite thing to do, if you don't like what your hostess has made, is exactly that: sit there, push it around your plate cheerfully, and then grab an apple (or something else) on your way home. Or maybe I just spend too much time reading Etiquette Hell...









Maybe we all should consider the day when we are in an old age home. Would we *want* to be treated the way we treat our children? If the answer is "yes", then I guess you're doing alright. If the answer is "no", then change is in order.

Another extremely good analogy! When my grandma (who had age-related dementia at the end of her life) wouldn't eat her dinner, we didn't comment on it at all. Of course, when you're 97 years old, you're allowed to have as much chocolate as you want afterwards... not so much when you're 7 years old, and have a growing body and a whole life ahead of you.


> BTW, my (male-bodied) spouse does all the cooking in our home, and does notice whether people eat his cooking or not. So, neener.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *glassesgirlnj*


You missed my point, which is dining at home is not the same as dining at someone else's house.

If you had no option but to eat at your neighbor's house, and had little say in what was available for breakfast and lunch, too, would you want to face nightly meals that you couldn't stand? How hungry would you get? At some point would manners fail and would you say something?

And how can you express concern for a growing body and not care if the meal is eaten night after night?

Poor behavior can be justified, but that doesn't improve the quality of the behavior. In an ideal home, *all* parties behave with respect toward each other. I'm not sure, from what's been written here, that all posters are modeling respect.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm aware that my hubris only pans out because my kids are not picky eaters. What do they get for breakfast and lunch? Breakfast my husband cooks and it is "your starch preference of the day" with the kids choosing between oatmeal, pancakes, french toast, crepes or the grown ups say, "I think it is a protein day" and we have eggs. We generally put yogurt on top of most starches so that the breakfast isn't *just* starch. We only veto starting with a main starch once a week because the kids are not so into eggs. They generally live on the toast that comes with the eggs. Then they start on the fruit basket right after breakfast. Lunch is what they ask for. They like cucumber sandwiches, pbj, ramen, and sometimes we do finger food veggies with dip--they enjoy it because they normally paint the whole table with the dip. Sigh.

Dinner is the only meal I'm kind of a jerk about. My oldest doesn't like peppers and my youngest doesn't like potatoes so when those veggies are part of a meal I put ONE BITE on their plate. I say, "Pretty please try it because taste buds are weird and often people grow to like things even if they don't like it at first." I now eat tomatoes willingly which is something I never would have believed before age 26. I am fairly violently opposed to eating seafood of any kind and when we end up at a sushi restaurant through group consensus I have to try a bite of fish every time even though I don't like it. We are fair about our weird dogmatic rules.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Fair is good.


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## glassesgirlnj (Mar 15, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *pek64* 

You missed my point, which is dining at home is not the same as dining at someone else's house.
Sorry! I thought you were the one who was using that analogy. Maybe I'm becoming confused again...

If you had no option but to eat at your neighbor's house, and had little say in what was available for breakfast and lunch, too, would you want to face nightly meals that you couldn't stand? How hungry would you get? At some point would manners fail and would you say something?
Hm, some good points here. It sounds like you were made to "clean your plate" growing up, even when the food was something you had an intolerance to? ...I'm coming from the opposite perspective, where I was allowed to eat "one bite" of vegetables and then proceed to "dessert" (AKA as many cookies as I wanted, straight out of the box.) I ate so much unhealthy food as a child that it was a real challenge for me to appreciate tastes other than salty or sweet as an adult. Can you see why this is something I don't want for my daughter?

And how can you express concern for a growing body and not care if the meal is eaten night after night?
We in the US (at least that's where I am, not sure about you) consume so many calories during a 24-hour period that I wouldn't be concerned about skipping one meal a day, honestly. My own daughter, 14 months old, eats about five times a day... if she doesn't like a particular meal, there's another one coming along in a couple hours. Maybe your own children are older, or have a different feeding schedule, and that's why you have a different perspective on this?

I'm not sure, from what's been written here, that all posters are modeling respect.


> Can you give examples of posts that could be worded more respectfully?


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I think a lot of the differences of opinion on this issue is that we are all coming at this from our experiences with our own kids. I don't know a single parent of a picky eater that is not tremendously sympathetic about the challenges of feeding a kid with strong food aversions. I don't know any parents who have seen a lot of success with the "one family meal" approach that wouldn't heartily encourage other parents to give that a try.

Another layer is that we are often reacting from our own experiences eating as children - a lot of passion and conviction can come from that...not matter what choices we've made as a result. When thought of it this way it's understandable that someone growing up being force-fed liver would have a radically different idea about this than someone growing up remembering food-scarce Russian winters - ESPECIALLY if then their choices are working well for their family.

Don't know what my point is exactly - other than what another PP (Pek, maybe), if your choices are working and your kids seem to have a good relationship with food, the person preparing meals feels comfortable with the situation, and everyone is getting adequate nutrition, I think we're all doing OK. If not, take the advice and opinions from folks here that resonates well with you and try it on as a family.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SweetSilver*
> 
> Could it be the culture of child-rearing? More strict? Could it be that extended families, also more common outside the US, can help with raising children who aren't intensely picky? Could it be that we in the US are phenomenally crappy cooks?


Crappy cooks! LOL. No, not exactly, but sort of? I wrote a whole post about this but then worried it may make others feel defensive or offended so I deleted it. But in essence, I do think we have a particular style of eating in the US that probably does contribute to picky eating... fries, chips, McDonalds and Hostess, bland jarred baby food, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, red 40 & yellow lake 5.... Real food tastes odd in comparison. I've rarely been to a restaurant that offers kid meals that are balanced and/or relevant to the rest of the restaurant's cuisine -- there is a general perception that certain things are not suitable for kids or that kids won't eat them, so it is offered less (if at all)... maybe what I'm saying is that we, as a society, cater excessively to picky eaters, and in turn we are ultimately, though inadvertently, creating even more picky children.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch?


Breakfast is no-cook -- usually fruit & yogurt, or berries & cream, or dinner leftovers. On weekends sometimes DH makes pancakes or something.

Lunch is something quick & easy -- generally leftovers or salad. If I do cook (rare!!), it's something that takes under 5 minutes, like veggie quesadillas.


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch? Maybe that's for another thread.


Breakfast they get choices...oatmeal, cereal, toast, fruit, yogurt, etc. Because they are easy to make.

For lunch my boys get the same thing and if there's enough I'll eat it too. Weekend lunches we all usually eat the same lunch.

And even though I know there are some foods my kids won't eat, if I make it I still put some on their plate hoping maybe today they will try it again and like it. Like my ODS for a while didn't like cooked carrots (but would eat raw carrots fine). I would still put them on his plate. I wouldn't make him eat them at all, but they were there. Now he is eating cooked carrots again. If one of them say "I don't like this" I tell them fine, but you must eat all your ____ instead.

I am actually working on not being offended when my kids don't like what I make. It takes a lot of time to cook from scratch and I want to feel like they appreciate it while also providing them with healthy food. But because they are young, 4 and 2, their food preferences could literally change daily.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

In our family we have had a hot breakfast every day for the last 10 years (ever since DC started eating solids). For me, it means a lot to my parental sanity to know that my child has had a hot meal for breakfast - it's a personal quirk. For a long time it was a sprouted wheat bread soaked in an egg with strawberry preserves. Lately it's been a bit more varied so it's anything from a toasted bagel, an omlet, waffles...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> Crappy cooks! LOL. No, not exactly, but sort of?


Additionally, I wonder if typical American style dinner cooking (a la the 50's) doesn't involve more labor than in other cultures...I'm not sure about that but it's my suspicion. One of my favorite cook books is "French Cooking in 10 Minutes" and a lot of what makes in that book is one cooked item and then maybe some bread and cheese or some cut carrots or pickles or a small salad. A balanced meal but a large portion of it takes just a minute or two to prepare.

I also wonder how the issue of frugality comes in to play for families. Certainly it is easier to budget meals when you have a good idea of what people are willing to eat and side snacking isn't so random. Also, it's a challenge with some folks don't want to eat the frugally prepared meals or make due with leftovers and etc. A bit off topic but I'm sure that comes for a lot of people - I know it does for us.


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

I think I cook a separate meal for my kids almost every day. It's an unpopular opinion here but like some others I have an extremely picky eater. If I didn't cook him what he likes he really, truly wouldn't eat. If we go on a trip somewhere he will eat nothing for the whole duration unless we can procure his favorite snacks like banana, strawberries, milk (we went to Scotland for 14 days one time and he survived only on the above fruits). We are Indian so our regular dinner fare is dal (lentil stew), roti (wheat flatbread) and a dry curry, which is what his staple food is. Ds is going to be 7 in a couple weeks and he has never eaten a candy, drank soda or eaten a burger in his life. He has always been averse to some textures; it took me 6 months of dogged trying to get him to eat a slice of cheese pizza so he would have something to eat at birthday parties. All this to say that although my son eats healthy food almost exclusively, it is still only one KIND of food. So, if I didn't cook his staple for him, say if we're eating pasta for dinner one day, then he would likely not eat. So I do. He's in the 10th percentile for weight, always has been, and I won't see him fall off the chart so I cook for him.

Maybe he will grow up to be the pickiest eater alive. That's his life, his choice. I will make sure he knows how to cook what he will eat and that's all I feel I can do for him.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Wookie, you bring up another good point, which is that the extremely varied diet that many of us have grown accustomed to in the States may contribute to the feeling that kids are more picky than they would appear to be in a culture that doesn't expect as much variety. "Variety is the spice of live" and "Eat the rainbow" are great if that can work for you but there are certainly cultures that eat far less variety and I believe are considered healthy.

Like your child, mine is fairly "equal opportunity" when it comes to the types of foods she'ss picky about - convenience foods as much as whole foods.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

The picker of my kids is pickiest about candy of all things. She goes trick-or-treating on Halloween, and sorts through her candy, and keeps almost none of it because she says the rest is icky for one reason or another.

But she'll eat all the apple, green beans, and broccoli I'll put in front of her.

So I agree that "picky" doesn't necessarily mean "unhealthy." Although a lot of the time it does.

The pickier of my kids doesn't like anything mixed, and doesn't like fake fruit flavors, which explains her candy issues. If there is plain chocolate, fine. Chocolate + anything else - not OK. And that explains much of her pickiness. Plain carrot is fine. Carrot mixed with anything else is not fine. Pasta plain is fine. Pasta with sauce is not.

Kids have much stronger (or is it more?) tastebuds than adults. I tell them that and they do try food from time to time that they've rejected to see if they like it yet. They think of it that way - not that they don't like something at all, but that they don't like it yet but might very well like it someday.

I'm just not a fan of having any drama over meals. I think it makes food take on a greater amount of importance than I feel is healthy. I think another thing that is common in the US is overeating due to food being so much more than food to us. I really try to be very relaxed about food for that reason. I don't make extra meals, but if they want yogurt, carrot sticks, and some pistachio nuts, I can live with that. My only rules for food substitutes are: they have to be able to get them together on their own, they must contain some vegetable content, and they can't involve cooking or messing of extra dishes. Beyond that, I back off and give them some autonomy over themselves.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch? Maybe that's for another thread.


Whatever each person individually wants because we don't eat those meals as a group most days. When we eat as a group for those meals, we usually discuss and come to an agreement.

If I am putting together dd's solo meal, I ask her what she wants and might suggest items to make her meal more complete. I give dd a lot of choice and she is capable of getting her own food.

Dd can be a picky, or rather non-adventurous eater, so breakfasts and lunches tend to be the same kind of foods. They are not unhealthy.

As a child, I ate most food my parent's served. My mom was kind enough to make a plain hamburger patty for me on meatloaf night because she knew I hated meatloaf but other times I could just get a bowl of cereal if I didn't want to eat what she made. I think there was an underlying attitude of "The food is there. If you don't want it, more for the rest of us." No one made a big fuss. I sometimes ate things I didn't love, but not food I absolutely hated. I never went hungry because I didn't want to eat the prepared meal. As an adult I have grown to like or tolerate foods I wouldn't eat as a child. I think if I had been constantly harassed or forced into eating them I would never have liked those foods.

I always grew up wanting to cook and started cooking meals for the whole family on my own by the time I was 12 or 13 years old. I don't know if that makes a difference in my willingness to eat a lot of things or increased appreciation for someone's efforts but I suppose it could. Maybe the answer is to get the kids helping to prepare meals?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> They think of it that way - not that they don't like something at all, but that they don't like it yet but might very well like it someday.


I *love* this!!! DS has texture issues but other than that, he is kind of the opposite of picky (for a while I wondered if he even had taste buds lol) but I am going to remember this in case my next kid(s) are picky!


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

The breakfast and lunch question was because I was wondering how many rely on the schools to provide those meals. Of those who answered, it seems none. I was curious, because I have my doubts about the nutrition from school food. I've heard that some schools got into the practice of having fast food providers supply the food. But ... that's another thread!


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

On the subject of variety -- my son spent several years eating only a few select dishes. Now, as a teen, his interest in variety has emerged. When I asked him about this, about a month ago, he told me when he was busy learning other things, he wanted his food boring and predictable. Now he's in a different place, and using what he's learned, and now variety in food is a good thing. Food for thought.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Maybe in other countries there is less pressure to eat variety, and therefore children are not viewed as picky.


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> Maybe in other countries there is less pressure to eat variety, and therefore children are not viewed as picky.


This is true and also not. In Indian cooking, for example, lots of curries have similar or same base sauces and it's only the veggies that are different so a lot of times many dishes will taste similar. So veggies are not as visibly apparent. Maybe this makes a difference because if a kid likes one kind of sauce switching veggies is easier? Dunno, I'm just guessing.

Another thing that I think plays a part is family size. When I was very young we lived within a joint (extended) family with grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins etc. In those times, things weren't as child-centric. Children were just another part of the family that grew up within the milieu without any special attention. Not to be confused with love because obviously everyone in the family loved every child. Food wasn't served as a big meal to the child specifically. I remember adults would be eating and we kids would come and go as we pleased every time soneone shoving a mouthful or whatever they were eating into ours. This changed much later when we were maybe 10 when we were served our own meal instead of just fobbing off others' plates. It just was a very different kind of living and there was never any focus or pressure. Now we eat so differently-- my kids get fed before because of schedules and I have to choose whether to eat with them or wait for DH. We don't often eat as a family. I think that contributes to it all.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My dd eats school food mostly but chooses a breakfast item each week to have at home. Our district does a great job of providing healthy foods with an emphasis on whole grains and fresh fruits and vegetables. It is also about $.40 a meal so she would get that no matter what was served.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I would recommend the book French Kids Eat Anything. It was well-written and also reassuring that most kids can eat most things.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> The breakfast and lunch question was because I was wondering how many rely on the schools to provide those meals. Of those who answered, it seems none. I was curious, because I have my doubts about the nutrition from school food. I've heard that some schools got into the practice of having fast food providers supply the food. But ... that's another thread!


Around here, the big complaint from the kids about the school food is that it's too healthy.


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

I had a thought about this dilemma, and based on some of the options families have, I wonder how prevalent very-large pantries and fridges are contributing to some of the difficulties. Is there too much variety going on? I have a philosophy that if something edible is present in the home, then it is food and can be eaten at any time. While some of our limited choices involve a cook-time, most often I pre-cook a few items, like garbanzo beans, and then they can be quick-warmed with hot water for a snack.

We live in a very small space, and have an RV fridge, so we don't have the variety of options that I suppose most families do. We keep one kind of cereal for DD, oatmeal for me, and then cans of tuna for lunch, and pick up dinners as we travel for a couple days at a time. We usually have a few kinds of fruits and then some kind of frozen thing (blended banana and blueberry pops, for example) in the freezer. One thing we absolutely DO NOT do, is keep what we call "not-food" in the house. This doesn't mean we never have a snack cake or some kind of pasta, but we don't "carry" it. We have a picture menu of all the foods (real foods) we like so that DD can look and see what kinds of things she'd like to eat at the same time (brussels sprouts, pears, and spinach with an entire pineapple was her last concoction).

I'm a fan of listening to our bodies, so when dd seemed to eat kale like it was her last meal (for weeks) I indulged. Of course! There might be a good reason her body is seeking heads of kale a day....who am I to tell her it's time to eat acorn squash just because that's what I made up?

I think a lot of times parents are frustrated when kids are saying "I don't like your healthy stuff....I want what's in the snack cupboard", and then we feel pretty bad about deeming those chem-foods "okay" only during certain times of the day or only in moderation, and we might even feel guilty that we have the junk around and have to say "no" so often. If a food can't be eaten at any time of the day and as much as we want, then it's probably "not-food". I know.....some kids can't do a mess of fruit before bed and the like, but on average I think the conflict stems from variety and having oh-so-tasty options within 10 feet.

We have a lot of fun doing "color night" and the like (where all the dinner food is orange, for example), or rainbow night....but blue is a tough one to find in the real-food realm. I think if kids have a say in what's for dinner, they are more likely to be on-board, and when the selection is narrow (such as--only the produce section), the choices are much easier. I think sometimes we're also like Jack Sprat and his wife....dd likes the mushy part of tomatoes, and I like the firmer parts...but we rarely cross over. If I gave her something with crispy tomatoes, she'd likely shove it aside (but I could give her the slop and she'd love it), but if she wanted me to make a dinner that was "all" sloppy tomatoes, I'd be the one hitting the fridge for something different for myself.

I had to do a lot of re-learning with how to make meals after being raised in the midwestern "hot-dish" realm and had to break free of "main dish, side 1 and side 2", so we have what other folks would call quite bizarre meals at times. It's healthy and tasty, though, mostly. The 5 year old says so. Maybe the flexibility we have fits with the odd meals too....We're also okay with mono meals.....strawberries for lunch is awesome.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Processed and chemical foods are not part of our diet, at all! I forget that others might have candy or store cookies in the house. How foolish of me! It's been so many years without that stuff, I forget it exists. There does need to be clarification from the OP, if those kinds of foods are part of the problem.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

A real issue for me is not battling over food. I don't want any kind of power struggle over food in my house. In cultures with lots of available food and lots of junk it tends to have a different dynamic.

What I'm trying to say is that I want my children to feel respected and heard regarding their preferences and have positive associations that are relaxed and balanced when it comes to eating. I want them to internalize a love for real food and judging from all the different responses on this thread there may be many ways to accomplish that depending on the family and the personalities and abilities of those involved.

I have one picky eater, one who will eat anything and a third who falls in the middle mostly. I try to make things that everyone likes but it gets boring. If I want something I know my kids won't like I make something else for them. If there's a reasonable expectation that they will enjoy it and they don't, usually my oldest, he is welcome to get something else.


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## MountainMamaGC (Jun 23, 2008)

Oh and another thing I do is let DD decide what we have for dinner about once or twice a week. That way she has some input into what we eat sometimes too.


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> The breakfast and lunch question was because I was wondering how many rely on the schools to provide those meals. Of those who answered, it seems none. I was curious, because I have my doubts about the nutrition from school food. I've heard that some schools got into the practice of having fast food providers supply the food. But ... that's another thread!


Oh, well my kids aren't old enough to get school lunches yet. But I probably wouldn't let them eat much of the schools lunches anyways. We are vegetarians who don't eat much dairy due to intolerances. And I would think I could pack a healthier lunch than school would provide.


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

We've done different things. When younger we allowed a sandwich or toast before we lightened up on wheat. Now our main strategy is to mostly serve popular simple meals over and over in rotation.

I try to accommodate different tastes up to a point. Sometimes an extra vegetable for folks that might not like the other choice. We do some assemble-your-own meals. Like burritos/salads and sometimes pizza. I avoid wheat--my kids love it. Some love squash, some would rather have green beans. I can easily make both, but NOT two separate main meals. Kids can add baby carrots as an alternative to something they don't like. I can think ahead and know what people will dislike--it's mostly very established--so I decide whether to offer an alternative. Leftovers from previous night's dinner make a good alternative. Most of the dinners in our rotation meet with approval from most of the kids, our rotation is small, and new things are pretty simple so we know who will like what. We have a limited enough budget and rationing attitude that everyone is pretty happy to eat.

Our ds has major pickiness issues BTW. He will not eat any hot cereals, onions, tomatoes, squash, dislikes cooked fish, hates cooked rice, hates cream, never eats any type of yogurt, etc. Would eat macaroni and hot dogs all the time... He has recently decided to stop eating baked potatoes, ever. He does have texture aversions and picks the stems of his salad leaves and other little things like that.

I've just drawn my lines. He can make his burrito his own way. He can have green beans or a salad when we have squash. He can replace a baked potato with veggies but can't also fill up the rest of the way with seconds of a meat if there was only enough for everyone to have one serving in the first place. If he skips the rice, there may or may not be something to replace it with--or I mix the rice with the stir fry and that's all there is. I will definitely grumble at him if he is trying to fill up on bread/ heaps of pasts with other choices available to balance that out.

Some of the meals we make are his favorites and I don't like them myself. In fact, I will often choose to make a main dish I prefer that the kids may be picky about on a day when we have a huge leftover pot of the favored pasta salad that I do not eat. So when we have two "main courses" that is how we usually do it and it is based on my food choices because wheat makes me feel bad.

But everyone likes roasts, chicken soups, baked chicken, meat/broccoli/carrot stir fries, chili, baked bean/soups beans, oven fries or mashed potatoes, eggs and sausage, and everyone can make a salad or a burrito or a pizza that suits themselves. I know that if I make dd's favorite tomato soup, I should expect to let ds eat something else but not special cooking--a leftover and maybe a sandwich. That is probably less than one meal in twenty where we have that issue though. We eat the same meals repeatedly. There is not very much to be picky about that there isn't some simple alternative, and since I don't do much casserole or experimental mixed dishes there is almost no meal that isn't partly acceptable for a picky person and one course may be skipped or replaced without having a totally different meal. I think that the predictability of choices is really good for our family.


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## indigosky (Sep 4, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *phathui5*
> 
> I would recommend the book French Kids Eat Anything. It was well-written and also reassuring that most kids can eat most things.


Yes, I was just about to post to recommend this book! It's a great read, and even if you can't or don't want to adopt "the French way" of dealing with kids and food, I found it had a lot of good ideas, positive ways of talking with kids about food, reminders I found helpful. (For instance, since reading it we've pretty much eliminated snacking after 4 p.m., which I used to allow, as long as the snacks were healthy foods. Now when DD says she's hungry at 4, I say, "That's great, dinner will be so delicious! It feels so good to hear dinner when you're hungry." And surprise, surprise, she is much more likely to eat what we're having for dinner - variety, vegetables, and all -- because she is actually hungry at dinnertime.)


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## Infinity (Jan 21, 2013)

I had a lot of food issues growing up, so I'm sensitive to this with my children. My parents were the type to force us to sit at the table and eat whatever was served, no matter what. There were times that we'd be at the table for close to 2 hours because we didn't want to eat what my mom had cooked.

We give our kids an option at dinner time - they can have "x" or "y", and we let them decide.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I'm curious to know how often the people who don't allow their children to get something else cook food that they themselves don't like? My MIL required my husband and his siblings to eat everything (and it backfired on 5 out of 5 children by the way), but she will tell you that she never, ever cooked foods if she didn't like them. How's that fair?


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

We always have an afternoon snack but after that no snacking before dinner. People are hungry when it gets to dinner time for sure.


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## k x s (May 16, 2012)

I think its cruel that you have to try to cater to 5 peoples preferences. =P


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> I'm curious to know how often the people who don't allow their children to get something else cook food that they themselves don't like? My MIL required my husband and his siblings to eat everything (and it backfired on 5 out of 5 children by the way), but she will tell you that she never, ever cooked foods if she didn't like them. How's that fair?


True. I rarely make something me and my DH don't like. BUT, we are not picky eaters at all. We will pretty much eat everything. I dislike blueberries, but everyone else loves them, so I do bake with them or buy fresh ones for snacking. My DH won't touch shrimp, so I cook it on the side to add to me and the kids dishes. But again, I'm not the type of person to make my kids eat something I know they don't like.

And I cut off snacking by about 3:00pm for dinner at 5:30pm. My kids will not eat dinner if they snack after that. But I will allow snacking after dinner if they are still hungry.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> I'm curious to know how often the people who don't allow their children to get something else cook food that they themselves don't like? My MIL required my husband and his siblings to eat everything (and it backfired on 5 out of 5 children by the way), but she will tell you that she never, ever cooked foods if she didn't like them. How's that fair?


I agree.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *k x s*
> 
> I think its cruel that you have to try to cater to 5 peoples preferences. =P


It's not a choice between "eat this or go hungry" or catering to 5 people.

I wear the badge of short order cook quite proudly, though admittedly out of necessity, and you do hear "I can't make that because I'm already making this". My stove is clogged, or my pans are committed, or they asked for a baked potato at the last minute*. It is not: "*one lasagna, one spaghetti and meatballs, one stir-fry, one hamburger, and one bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy, comin' right up!" *

It is a converstaion about wants, about what we have available, what one cook (and eventually more, hopefully!) can realistically prepare and have ready all together. Some menu items can always be on the menu-- yogurt, toast, raw veggies, fruit, nuts, etc.

***this came up last night, actually. It turned out that no one was hungry right off, I didn't have the rest of dinner started, and it wasn't that late in the evening, and 1/2 a baked potato sounded good to dh as well. So, on this night, it did work out. I popped the potato in the oven, sat at the table playing solitaire while the girls did their puzzle books. Dinner was a little late, but no one minded. This might not have worked on a different night, but tonight it did.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *k x s*
> 
> I think its cruel that you have to try to cater to 5 peoples preferences. =P


Children do not ask to be born -- it is the parents who choose it. Providing food for the children you brought into this world is your responsibility. It is not cruel to be considerate. After all, you want your children to be considerate of you. Model consideration.

Has the OP abandoned this thread? I hope our bickering didn't drive her away.


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## zapzipzee (Mar 15, 2010)

I didn't read all the replies, but, I do not think you are being unreasonable.

Personally, eating cereal for dinner drives me crazy and I would not allow that. DH tries that and it REALLY irritates me. Thing is, his mother didn't make meals, they just ate whatever they fixed themselves, or his dad ordered pizza, I guess...

I grew up with either my mom or my dad, and later my sister or I, fixing dinner.... EVERY NIGHT. We either ate what was fixed, or went without. My sister didn't like Baked Potatoes, so my mom allowed her to have cottage cheese instead. I didn't like cottage cheese, and did like potatoes, so wasn't a problem growing up.

With DD and DH, I usually give them two choices of what they want for dinner... they decide, I make it (with DD's help now - she's much more likely to eat something she picked out and participated in making).

If DD doesn't eat her meal, I cover it and put it in the fridge, she's welcome to eat it later if she's hungry (sometimes I reheat, some times she gets it cold). There's only been one meal I fixed her an alternate food... I made Thai Chicken Curry Soup... it was a little more spicy than the recipe let on... She loves spicy... but it was HOT! She got a different meal that night after taking one bite and not liking it, and a different meal when we ate the left overs....

Good Luck!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> I'm curious to know how often the people who don't allow their children to get something else cook food that they themselves don't like? My MIL required my husband and his siblings to eat everything (and it backfired on 5 out of 5 children by the way), but she will tell you that she never, ever cooked foods if she didn't like them. How's that fair?


I often cook and eat food I am not fond of because my dd likes them. I would live on burritos, peas, and spaghetti if I could but I value variety for health reasons. If I make a food I know my dd will despise I make an alternate for her but this rarely happens anymore.

I think there is a big difference between not preparing extra food for a child who just wants an alternative to a food they also like and not offering an alternative to a food your child despises. I also think eating only carbs is a bad habit to get into, cereal for dinner each night isn't healthy, and that the alternative food should be in the same food group as the food that is skipped if substitutions are allowed.


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *k x s*
> 
> I think its cruel that you have to try to cater to 5 peoples preferences. =P


If you mean me, I really don't mind a bit because my only food agendas are to make those five people happy and well-fed. We mostly rotate meals we know everyone likes, add an extra veggie sometimes, etc.

My kids are all big enough to help make dinner anyway. They are likely to be helping in the kitchen, peeling potatoes, etc. and when we have the pasts salad I dislike and others love, ds who adores it most actually does the cooking for the whole meal anyway. Nobody's catering if I simply prepare myself a salad to avoid wheat... The fact that everyone helps in the kitchen means no one is a victim and everyone can help make decisions about meal choices. For instance since not everyone loves baked potatoes but everyone loves oven fries, I sometimes will just offer to make those but only if the kids will peel potatoes so it's not all my job to fulfill their wishes.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I haven't read the other replies, but this is how I feel about it:

As long as I'm blessed enough to have a multitude of food options in my house, my children will be able to eat something nutritious that they want to eat, even if it isn't what I first offered them. We just do not have food battles in my house.

We've also found that growing a large, organic garden helps our kids love their vegetables!


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *A&A*
> 
> We've also found that growing a large, organic garden helps our kids love their vegetables!


This does help! My veg-phobic younger daughter becomes a regular rabbit during the growing season. Both graze on peas, raw kale, carrots straight from the garden bed.... doesn't work with every single thing. They still won't eat tomatoes unless they come in a ketchup bottle.


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## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
> I guess it depends on how you handle the situation. Forcing your child to sit at the table until they eat the food you made or refusing to let them eat any other food until that particular plate of food was eaten would be cruel, IMO. Trying to make them feel bad or punishing them would be cruel.
> 
> Teaching the kids to not make a fuss and just go get a sandwich, fruit or a bowl of cereal occasionally if they don't want the meal made sounds healthy and reasonable to me.
> ...


This.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

The question, when deciding if it's ok for the child to get him/herself something instead of eating the prepared dinner, really is 'how often is "on occasion"?' If it's more than once a week, I think the cook has to do more to provide for the child. I don't think anyone is saying the cook has to completely cater to a child. But catering only to the adults, or only the cook, is what is unacceptable.

So, how often is "occasionally"?


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pek64*
> 
> The question, when deciding if it's ok for the child to get him/herself something instead of eating the prepared dinner, really is 'how often is "on occasion"?' If it's more than once a week, I think the cook has to do more to provide for the child. I don't think anyone is saying the cook has to completely cater to a child. But catering only to the adults, or only the cook, is what is unacceptable.
> 
> So, how often is "occasionally"?


Maybe twice a month.

I plan meals with my kids most of the time. I'm also careful to leave certain meals "deconstructed" so they can eat it the way they like. For example, beef stroganoff. My daughter loves the steak bits, the egg noodle pasta and the mushrooms. She despises the gravy that is made with sour cream. I make this meal and everyone mixes it on their own plate by serving themselves from separate bowls. You can do tacos and Mexican salads this way, too.

Between my policy of "eat this or make your own dinner" and my policy of "no late afternoon snacking"... our mealtimes are peaceful and pleasant times to re-connect at the end of the day. My oldest was just home from college over the holidays and she said one of things she missed most about being away was our dinners as a family.









Now pek, on the flip side of this issue ......I know a mom who made a "grown ups meal" and "kid's meal" every night for 15 years and her kids have a very poor diet of typical American fare. Chicken nuggets, macaroni, pizza and such. All the while, she and her hubby ate a real meal each evening with lovely veggies and variety. I don't think she did her kids any favors by this and she was always complaining what a chore it was to cater to the kids but "they don't eat anything else".


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Again, there is a difference between being considerate and serving kids junk food. Please don't misinterpret my posts. I do not, never have, never will, feed my son anything I felt had no value, just so he would eat. If I were going to do that, why worry about him eating only cereal for dinner every night? I gave him healthy and familiar meals for years, until he wanted more variety. And I always kept his food issues in mind. He gets migraines from sugar, artificial sweeteners, colors and flavors, so I keep things natural, and make fron scratch. It's more effort on my part, but I've benefitted, too!!

I don't know if we're really that far apart on the issue in practice, just in words.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

I have 3 kids. One is not picky, one moderately picky and one very picky. I do not think how kids are raised always relates to how picky they are.

They are responsible for getting their own breakfast, lunch, snacks. I try to keep healthy, yummy food present, and junky ones to a minimum, but that is it.

I make one supper, but am open to leaving things out if people really hate them and it will ruin the meal for them. I like peppers, the 3 kids do not. It is no skin off my back to add peppers to my salad and leave the main bowl of salad pepper free. I do try to make meals that most people like a couple of times a week, but I am not extreme about it.

The two kids who are picky can fend for themselves (which includes clean-up) if they want a different supper. They are old enough to. When they were not old enough to, I would get them yoghurt, fruit, hummus and crackers, carrot sticks - whatever was healthy and simple.

All 3 of my kids have a fairly healthy attitudes towards food and their bodies. Yeah, I wish 2 were less picky - oh, well. They are not over or under weight, they do not use food inappropriately (say out of boredom or emotional eating), they are not addicted to junk food, there is not even a hint of eating disorders&#8230;.we are good.

I am not convinced picky kids grow into picky adults, either.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Between my policy of "eat this or make your own dinner" and my policy of "no late afternoon snacking"... our mealtimes are peaceful and pleasant times to re-connect at the end of the day. My oldest was just home from college over the holidays and she said one of things she missed most about being away was our dinners as a family.


Sweet.

When I was 18 my family left for a cottage for a summer. I was fending for myself, food wise, for the first time in my life.

I ate nothing but hamburger and KD for 6 weeks.

I was so thrilled when my family came home and made real meals. I literally pounced on the veggies and stuff I once semi-spurned.

It was a bit of turning point for me, actually.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I was a horribly picky child. Now I eat vegetables daily. It's hecka weird.


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## cristina47454 (Jun 20, 2007)

I am blessed with good eaters. My dds are 11, 8, and 4. Well, when I say "good eaters", I mean, they will eat any fancy-pants, ethnic food I prepare, but balk at the simple stuff. It's like a reverse blessing. That being said, I lovelovelove beans, and none of my kids have ever been fans. It took years and years of me preparing and serving beans for them to FINALLY eat them at a meal without grousing. I consider it an accomplishment on my part. I never forced them to eat beans. We have an "adventure bite" rule and they have seen me enjoying beans. On the nights that I'd serve beans, they had to sit at the table and could have something else after their adventure bite and after dinner. Usually a PB sandwich, but they aren't huge PB fans either, so it was more a question of having a full belly than it was about having a dinner they enjoyed (Cereal is NEVER an option bcs two of the three eat that stuff like dessert, and could go through a box without thinking about it...and that's the low sugar healthy stuff!). The girls still don't LOVE beans, but they will eat them (I don't make them very often, and never really did...maybe once or twice a month). What I think is wonderful is that they have learned to be polite about it - which I think will serve them well when they are eating at a friend's house or are out at a restaurant and I am not there to mediate. I'm also thrilled that they are eating chia seeds. That was always just an add-in option, never a do or die situation, but I love the blasted things, and they now ask for them in their yogurt. I think sometimes foods have to be presented several times for the foods to be appreciated.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

So, how do parents enforce this "adventure bite", "one bite/ two bite" rule? One easy answer would be, state the rule and then the child complies, perhaps after some complaining and hearing the rule restated.

But what happens when a child really digs his heels in?

I ask because I think many parents have children who comply relatively easily regarding food and family meals. Or perhaps they are motivated somewhat by hunger, at least compared to many posters' children who I know are unmotivated by hunger at all and will dig their heels in, regardless of how empty their bellies are.


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## cristina47454 (Jun 20, 2007)

We used to play an m&m game. Three m&ms per child at dinner. The m&ms were earned for different things.Napkin on the lap, staying seated the entire meal, the adventure bite. When the behavior stuck, we'd rotate in a different one. Amazing what a kid will do for an m&m. LOL. We haven't done that game in a long, long time, and actually, I think we tried it once with my now 4 year old (because it had worked so beautifully with the older two) - but she quickly realized she didn't like m&ms all that much and they weren't worth the effort. I feel a bit conflicted about using candy as a reward - our potty training efforts ("potty training in less than a day") had a similar reward system and honestly, it bothered me. But it worked. So, I guess...I don't know. We aren't a dessert eating family, so three m&ms seem harmless. And I don't see any food-issues rearing their heads with my older kids bcs I used food as a reward...yeah, can you tell I'm a little conflicted about it? But I'll tell you, family mealtimes used to run a lot more smoothly when that game was in effect!


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## MichelleZB (Nov 1, 2011)

Your eight-year-old is definitely old enough to make dinner with you. She can choose a meal she'd like to eat, and she can cook it herself for everyone (with your supervision). You can do this at least once a week, especially since you say they don't have any homework. That way she'll be learning to make food for herself as well as being involved with some menu planning.


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## pek64 (Apr 8, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *cristina47454*
> 
> We used to play an m&m game. Three m&ms per child at dinner. The m&ms were earned for different things.Napkin on the lap, staying seated the entire meal, the adventure bite. When the behavior stuck, we'd rotate in a different one. Amazing what a kid will do for an m&m. LOL. We haven't done that game in a long, long time, and actually, I think we tried it once with my now 4 year old (because it had worked so beautifully with the older two) - but she quickly realized she didn't like m&ms all that much and they weren't worth the effort. I feel a bit conflicted about using candy as a reward - our potty training efforts ("potty training in less than a day") had a similar reward system and honestly, it bothered me. But it worked. So, I guess...I don't know. We aren't a dessert eating family, so three m&ms seem harmless. And I don't see any food-issues rearing their heads with my older kids bcs I used food as a reward...yeah, can you tell I'm a little conflicted about it? But I'll tell you, family mealtimes used to run a lot more smoothly when that game was in effect!


M&Ms don't exist in our house, due to food allergies/intolerances, so this approach wouldn't work. I know of families that use M&Ms as reward for schoolwork, too. Oh, well. Next idea?


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## cristina47454 (Jun 20, 2007)

If you want to do a positive reinforcement type thing, we've also used plastic coins they could turn in for rewards. Haven't used that for meal time, but it's worked on long car rides. Keep meaning to try the "caught you being good" coupons around the house, but haven't gotten my act together.


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