# Appropriate gift for Mom of stillborn?



## PB's Mom

Hello,
I'm putting together a little gift basket for a friend of my SIL who had a stillborn baby. I had an early miscarriage, and my SIL lost 5 babies to early miscarriage, but we have a couple of ideas that we are not sure about. My thought is that the Mom is probably having a hard time with not receiving any congratulation cards/gifts and that no one has recognized the birth/baby. We were going to include things like a teddy bear, bath salts/soaps, candy,etc. ........but my question is, do you think she would appreciate something that says "it's a girl" ...like some carmel candies with "it's a girl" on the wrapper?????? I could put a tag on it that says something like "in recognition of the birth and loss of your little girl." Or would that type of reminder not be appropriate??? I remember feeling devestated that the only thing anyone did for me was to say "I'm sorry," along with a lot of other inappropriate words








So any suggestions you have for the recognition of the baby, or any other items that would be really meaningful to her would be appreciated.


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## Debstmomy

I am so sorry that your friend lost her dear little babe. Man oh man I wish it would never happen!!!

I am not sure how the Mom would handle the "It's a girl" labels. I would not have minded, but have to say, I would have prefered chocolate vs carmels!!!

One of my FAVORITE gifts was a huge (king size) quilt that someone made me. It was pink quilt squares with a very soft fabric (flannel?) behind it. I LOVE it. When I am having a really hard moment, I wrap myself in it & try to remember my daughters softness. Someone brought me an angel bear to hold, to help with the empty arms feeling that I have. (I ended up giving that to my DD to help with her loss, along with an outfit for her to dress the bear in.)

Another gift that meant alot was a pre-made scrapbook with a beautiful poem. All I have to do is put pictures on it. Here is the poem if you would like to make her that:
An angel opened up the Book of Life,
and wrote down the baby's birth,
& whisperd as she closed the book;
"Too Beautiful for Earth."
I'll be there
Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus & He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God,
don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He send me to you & then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a Special child,
and I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the prduct of your Love.
I'll always be there with you,
& watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, From a gentle wind that blows.
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there
Giving your heart a great big hug.
So Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.

How quietly she tiptoed into our world. Softly, only a moment she stayed. But what an imprent her footprints made on our lives.


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## JessicaS

I think the basket sounds lovely. I am not sure about the "It's a Girl" items though.

I think a locket for a bit of the baby's hair or picture would be lovely...just something she can cherish and keep close to her even when she isn't at home.


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## wilkers8

I'm so sorry for the loss of of your SIL friend's daughter.

My most cherished giffts are the ones with my son's name on them. My best friend engraved a ring with Connor's name and birth day and then a donation in his name. My husband purchased a pendent with he's birthstone.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to talk to her. She may not be able to communicate what she wants or needs right now because she may not know. However, talking with people about her life, her daughter and her loss is what will help her figure out and work through the enormous grief.


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## mommyto3girls

I don't know about the It's a Girl Stuff either, but I do think a card with ""in recognition of the birth and loss of your little girl."" as you said, would be great on it.

The book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart - Surviving the Death of your baby" Was probably the best one I read after Sierra died. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...77655?v=glance

Also check out www.aplacetoremember.com they have awesome loss remembrance items. They also have a nice baby book especially for stillbirths or early neonatal deaths.


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## bobacat

I'm Jewish, so I don't know what churches do...but several months after we lost our baby I saw in our temple bulletin that people had donated money in honor of the birth of a friend's baby who was born right around the time our baby should have been born. I really wished that people had done that in memory of our baby. It's common thing for people to do...to honor the birth of a baby with a donation to a temple fund. But it really would have helped me to feel that people acknowledged our baby if someone had done that for us. Another similar option would be to make a donation to a loss organization like MISS or SHARE.
Roxanne


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## KYCat

This is all still fresh for me, I haven't processed it yet.
That being said, I have received two special gifts in honor of Finnegan. One was a charm of an angel with Finn on one side and the date of his stillbirth on the other. It validates the reality of Finn and makes me feel closer to him when I wear it. From another good friend I received a card from the Arbor Day foundation saying that trees were planted in Gallatin forest near Yosemite National Park in his name. That these trees will live on moves me.
The basket itself is a thoughtful idea and it will mean a lot to your friend that people are acknowledging what has happened to her. She is lucky to have you.


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## rn

I liked a picture frame (if they have pictures of their baby). Someone also gave me some essential oil blends to smell and to help "release" emotions. Someone else also gave me a bach flower essense blend to help w/ emotions (which I have finished and she made me a new one since). A couple of people gave me blank journals which is a great gift also. (but I just like to journal on the computer, I type much faster than I write).

and like Roxanne says... a donation in the babies honor.. this is also a buddhist thing to do. Any good dead or donation in the deceased persons name, to help w/ their karma. I tell as many people as I can to do something good in my sons honor to help him on his journey.

I hope your friend is getting through her days okay.

~Robin


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## queencarr

I don't know if it falls under the "meaningful" that you are looking for, but gift certificates to restaurants, or places that deliver would probably be really helpful. I know that I could not function well enough to cook for many, many months. Also, I am leaning towards no on the "It's a girl" things. Mainly as I am thinking that as bitter as I was in moments, I would have read "It _was_ a girl!" to myself. OTOH, a very elderly couple that we were friends with gave me a pink glass swan that held a little baby several months after my dd was stillborn. She had picked up a blue one and a pink one when they were in Mexico when I was pg, to give me the appropriate one when the baby was born. That she had bought a special gift for dd and me, before she was born, and held onto it long enough to give it to me when my emotions weren't so raw was really special to me.

I also really like the idea of a donation in the baby' s name, especially something like a tree that is living and that could be visited if they chose to. KYCat, do I just contact the Arbor Day foundation? I am looking for something for this anniversary date coming near, and the idea is very appealing to me.


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## patchouligirl

i love the tree donation idea. Also, you can purchase a tree seedling to include in the box and she can plant it herself.
When a friend of mine lost her baby, several of us got together and named a star for the baby. i always thought that was a neat idea.
Another idea i just thought of...is to give her a butterfly chrysalis (sp). You can get them here http://www.livemonarch.com click on butterfly gifts. i thought this was a good way for your friend to be uplifted and find closure as well. She would be able to experience the miracle of a butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis, and then release it.


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## KYCat

Carrie - I'm not sure on the details, but I think that my friend just went to Arborday.org .
I also love the idea of naming a star, but I'd want to find it. Do they tell you where it's located Patchouligirl?


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## dukeswalker

I am so sorry for your sisters loss - one of my dear friends lost her baby girl when she was 6 mos. pregnant - I went online (to Ebay) and found a woman who made bracelets with your name on it in beads. I asked her if she could make a much smaller bracelet with the baby's name on it and had her send it to my girlfirend. She has said how wonderful it was to have - as it was one of the few things that truly belonged to her daughter...


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## Maderella

I got a bracelet from here http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html with my babies birthstone on it - it means so much to me.


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## gossamer

I think any gift that acknowledges that she is a mother is special. I remember that the one thing that mattered the most to me was having people acknowledge my daughter and letting me know that her loss impacted them too. If you get the chance, write a letter telling her how the loss of her child has affected you. Tell her what you were looking forward to with this baby. Tell her about the hole in your heart this loss has left.
Gossamer


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## DavinaT

Posting from Ireland:

What wonderful beautiful ideas you all have.
Debstmomy I read your poem with tears in my eyes.
I have bever had a stillborn baby but many years ago in the 1970's, my mom had one.
Now I'm not sure how you all do things in the U.S. but over here, back then, unbelieveable as it sounds, the mother was encouraged not to talk about and the attitide was basically - go home and try to forget all aobut it, sure you can have another one in tiem to come. This, to my mind, only hadds heartbreak to heartache.

I have tried unsuccessfully, over the years, to look for the baby's resting place.
I will go on searching but in the meantime, your poem has given me a lovely sense of peace.

Thank you.
D.


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## motheroffour

I just wanted to let you now how great it is that you are doing that for her that is so kind. Hugs


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## hippiemom

Maderella,
Thank you for the La Belle Dame referance, just ordered a lovely pendant for my sister in law...


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## PB's Mom

Found a great website for baby memory products:

http://www.littleangelsonlinestore.com


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## amydawnsmommy

I am so touched to know that others do care and want to be there for moms whose baby has died.

A comfort basket would be a great way to tell your friend how much you care about her and that you remember her little girl.

I would include a copy of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis - it's the best book out there along with herbal teas, hot chocolate, foam bath, a journal and pen and a small toy, a teddy bear sounds really nice. If you can find cards with the meaning of her daughter's name on them that would be really nice too. I've seen little wallet sized cards as well as 5x7 size ones you can get framed.

Continuing to remember your friend's baby throughout the years will help her to know that you care and that her baby girl is not forgotten.

Please see my site in memory of my daughter, Amy Dawn, for more ideas and feel free to pass it on to your friend.
http://www.crosswinds.net/~hellogoodbye/

Love and hugs,


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