# I think we need a chat thread....



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I don't think I am alone in this but I really need a place to come and just post what is on my mind, how I am doing, etc. without having to open a whole new thread just to say I am sad today







So I thought I would start one and see if it works and we can go from there.
So...... who are you, what's going on, how is this affecting you, etc.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I'll start.
I'm Nicole. I have 4 living children and 3 angels. I had a m/c at 12.5 wks and another at 6 wks. (that was 5 yrs ago) I just lost my son Emeric on 8/9/10 at 17 wks.
I am struggling right now as I really want to be pg again and dh does not. He just recently stated that he would like another at some point but not for a while and that helped a bit but it is still really hard just not even being able to try bcs I know from past experience that getting pg after a loss does not make it all go away but it does make it a heck of a lot better.
It seems that every time I have a loss someone close to me becomes pg. After my first loss my very best friend found out she was pg just 1 wk after my m/c. 1 day after my second m/c a close friend found out she was pg and was totally not planning on having any more (her ds is best friends w/ my ds3 that was born a few months later) now I just found out a good friend is pg and they weren't going to start trying again until jan. I see pg people everywhere but it is just an extra stab in the chest when it is a close friend and in order to spend time with her I have to be subjected to her swelling belly and have it be a constant reminder that my son is gone. I want to be happy for her, I really do, (I am not unhappy for her) but I just can't. It just makes me cry.
So I obiously had a lot to get off my chest with more to come I'm sure.


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

Nicole. I'm having a hard time right now as well but oddly pregnant women don't bother me. It's the women in stores with the brand new babies. I almost had to leave Target yesterday because there were so many new mamas in there. I was tearing up in the frozen foods section! My sister is due in the next couple of weeks and I'm going to be her doula and that is going to be hard.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

First ~ my name is Alison. I just miscarried Wednesday...first mc for me and while Thursday would have been 7w...I truly believe we stopped developing around 4w based upon symptoms and the miscarriage process. DH and I started trying for a 2nd (and our last) child in July and ultimately I had wanted to start trying over a year ago but we are self-employed and economy combined with insurance prices kept us from being able to afford everything until this summer. So even before this mc...I was already uncomfortable (and a little jealous) seeing other pregnant women or newborns. My sister-in-law and brother just had a new baby at the beginning of September and after this I am just not sure when I will be able to go visit the baby and not feel so sad for myself (which is so terrible to say).

On Wednesday when I was at work and suspected a miscarriage already ~ a woman walked in and asked for her package to be carried to her car because "wink wink nudge nudge" she shouldn't be carrying anything heavy (with that look in her eye that she is pregnant). I found myself restraining tears and jealousy.

I just think about all of the teenagers and young girls who are having babies they did not want or did not plan and wonder why one of those babies could not have been mine instead. I wasn't so attached to this pregnancy ~ I never felt an attachment from the beginning and knew something was amiss. I just want so badly to be pregnant with a viable pregnancy to have our 2nd and feel completed.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

That is how it was for me after my first m/c. Babies were really hard but this time I notice those bellys, especially since I was 17 wks and had been in maternity clothes for 5 or 6 wks. I look down at my belly and it is all flabby and could be mistaken for early pg.
I am so glad you are going to be your sisters doula, even though it will be really hard. After my first loss my bff was pg and I did her belly cast. It was really hard but I am so glad I could be there for her and her baby. After all it isn't her fault that I lost my baby and she didn't. I sure wouldn't wish this on anyone.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

alison- we posted at the same time.
I am so sorry for your loss. Our feelings are so valid even though sometimes they don't seem very orthodox. Right now I am struggling with the unknown of if we will ever have another baby, so dealing with the loss of my son and possibly the loss of childbearing. If that makes since.

Annie- is your dh still not wanting another? I don't remember where you guys stand on that issue.


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
That is how it was for me after my first m/c. Babies were really hard but this time I notice those bellys, especially since I was 17 wks and had been in maternity clothes for 5 or 6 wks. I look down at my belly and it is all flabby and could be mistaken for early pg.
I am so glad you are going to be your sisters doula, even though it will be really hard. After my first loss my bff was pg and I did her belly cast. It was really hard but I am so glad I could be there for her and her baby. After all it isn't her fault that I lost my baby and she didn't. I sure wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I could see how the pregnant bellies would be hard since you were already showing.

I think it will be difficult to be my sister's doula but you're right, it's not her fault that her baby lived and mine didn't. And she needs the support. I'm happy that I am in a position to be able to do that for her.


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
alison- we posted at the same time.
I am so sorry for your loss. Our feelings are so valid even though sometimes they don't seem very orthodox. Right now I am struggling with the unknown of if we will ever have another baby, so dealing with the loss of my son and possibly the loss of childbearing. If that makes since.

Annie- is your dh still not wanting another? I don't remember where you guys stand on that issue.

We are not trying but not preventing, if that makes sense. I was really surprised and also very sad that we didn't get pregnant last cycle because we had very good timing. But I guess my body is still healing. I'm on CD 5 now. It's a little odd because we haven't had the conversation and said specifically "we are going to try to have a baby" but we also haven't had the conversation and said "we are NOT going to try to have a baby". I made my position very clear long ago that I want to have a child. So it's up to him to prevent. Right now, it's working for us except I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW and I don't want to have to wait for my fertile period and then go through the 2WW, you know?


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
alison- we posted at the same time.
I am so sorry for your loss. Our feelings are so valid even though sometimes they don't seem very orthodox. Right now I am struggling with the unknown of if we will ever have another baby, so dealing with the loss of my son and possibly the loss of childbearing. If that makes since.

Annie- is your dh still not wanting another? I don't remember where you guys stand on that issue.

That is so tough...and I remind myself daily (sometimes by the minute) that I am lucky to know that there is still time for us even though that window might be slowly closing for us to know the opportunity still exists does bring comfort. I have a very close friend that has struggled with fertility for several years and has not been able to conceive (much less miscarry) in over 6 years of trying. So I try really hard to remind myself of my luck. It helps to come here and both read stories about women who are experiencing the same or have experienced the same and gone onto have viable pregnancies because that despair sometimes eats at you in your weak moments when it is hard to hold on.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AnnieA* 
Right now, it's working for us except I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW and I don't want to have to wait for my fertile period and then go through the 2WW, you know?

Oh jeez...I so know what you mean. I dread having to wait those 2 weeks to test and then wait another 3-4 weeks to confirm at the doctor. At the beginning of the cycles I was telling myself to lower my anxiety and let go...and would convince myself that I would...and then the times would come and I would find myself anxious and short tempered with DS and DH. Even though I knew that this last pregnancy was not viable from the beginning...part of me had really hoped I was wrong because I was worn out by the anxiety of everything else (wanting to try but not being able to afford to do so, and then finally being able to afford to do so and having to wait for the cycle timing).


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

oh annie,
I so get it. When af came I was devastated bcs we were avoiding but hadn't done a good job and timing was perfect for conception but the reason it was pefect is bcs the cm was no good so obviously af started and I was devastated. Theh dh said we will really watch it this cycle, not what I was hoping for but at least I know it is a possibility at some point but I do understand the I WANT IT NOW feeling. I feel like that girl on willy wonka and the chocolate factory.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
I feel like that girl on willy wonka and the chocolate factory.

Totally made me LMAO...absolutely feel that way!


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole - I think a chat thread is a great idea. I have thought about starting one, since most of the posts here just seem to be of the "what do I expect with a miscarriage" variety, then then no real follow up. But, I don't have the sense to do much of anything right now, so I'm glad you started this.

Yesterday was one month since my son was born. It was also his due date. I didn't expect him to come on his 40 week date, I figured it'd be closer to 41 or 4 weeks. I never in a million years imagined that on that day, he would have already been dead a month.

Life really sucks around here lately. I can't function. Its mostly because I can't sleep. I posted about that in the nightmare thread. I get about 2 hours a day/night. I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. I take my son to school and pick him up, and I go to the grocery store once a week. I have to go 30 miles away to another town to shop, because I can't take running into people and them asking where the baby is. I live in a tiny town, and every time I venture into it, someone inevitably asks. I am tired of rehashing it. I am tired of people assuming its MY FAULT because I don't birth "normally" in a hospital with every intervention possible.

Annie - I am so sorry you had to face the disappointment of AF this month. I'm not there yet, I haven't gotten my first pp AF, but I can imagine how I'm going to feel every time she shows up until I'm pregnant again.

I desperately want to be pregnant again, but I dread it at the same time. Never again will I enjoy pregnancy. Its not like with an early loss (which I have also had) where you can let your breath out and relax after a certain point.

DH and I are in agreement that we are going to get pregnant again as soon as we can. I have an appointment next Wednesday with The Farm midwives for my pp check up. I am assuming they will give us the green light for as soon as my fertility returns. We don't talk about it, though. We don't talk about anything. We just live in silence, in our own seperate hells. DH is miserable, every second of every day. He blames it 100% on work, he won't talk about Jack. I expect him to just up and quit his job any day. I don't know what to do. I'm too miserable to spend a lot of time trying to help him out of his funk.

How are your DHs/partners handling it? Has the loss of your child changed your relationship for the better or worse? How has it changed over time? Do you get back to your comfortable place with one another at some point?


----------



## MamaFranklin (Jun 28, 2006)

Saddness is echoed here. I am probably starting m/c #3 and I just realized (reading all the AWESOME encouragement here) I never told this baby he/she was loved and wanted. I just starting bawling. It's my earliest m/c... 6 weeks... The last one was 13 weeks or so... The baby died at 8.5 weeks and I never m/c... so I had a d&c at 14 weeks. The one before that was when I had just stopped nursing my son with a jaw disorder and bled very heavily and passed massive clots for 6 weeks. I had no idea that I was pregnant.

My beloved SIL had a baby around my last due date... and my best friend will have a baby soon. I doubt I will handle any of this very well.


----------



## mamalove1 (Apr 22, 2009)

Hi Everyone,
One of my best friends is 23 weeks pregnant. We were laughing and joking that we wanted to be pregnant at the same time. So when my husband found out that we were pregnant after our vacation to Hawaii, we laughed and talked about our "special souvenir". I am having a strange reaction to it all - I want to drink in her pregnancy stories. When we were at a park the other day, of course a mom sat down with her newborn. I had the strangest urge to touch the baby, to smell that baby smell from his head. I almost asked her if I could hold her baby. How psycho is that?


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Oh, I am so glad that others need this thread too.
After my 1st 2 m/c's I posted on ttc after loss and the chatting and commiserating that went on was extremely healing, hoping we can provide that here.

LJ - I am so sorry that you are not sleeping. My sleep improved around the 4 wk mark. Your experience was extremely traumatic and that is going to make losing your son even harder. Have you considered counceling of any kind? I started a few weeks ago and it is really helpful.
Dh handles grief different than me and i have just come to accept that. He is being very supportive and understanding this time but was not after my first loss. I was so on my own, our marriage suffered, but we came out of it. I would definately incourage you to seek counciling for yourself and your entire family if you can get your husband to go. It wouldn't hurt your son either.
I find that talking about it whenever I need to (even if I get the I can't believe you would talk about "that" look) has been very healing for me. In your small town is there a bulletin board of some type? I was thinking you could post a memorial letter about jack on the board or maybe even in the paper. That way you only have to do it once and then everyone knows and you don't have to rehash it over and over. Know that I am thinking of you during this hard time.

mamafranklin- so sorry you are having yet another loss. No one should have to go through this and absolutely no one should have to do it more than once.

mamalove1- I don't think you are psycho at all.

Last night I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while. She knows of our situation due to my posts on fb. She approached me with tears in her eyes, said "I don't know what to say bcs I don't know how you are feeling but I want you to know I love you and think of your family often" I told her that it meant the world to me that she would acknowledge my son and our situation. Most people don't know what to say so they don't say anything and then I end up feeling completely crappy and alone. I already know that what I am going through is crappy, I think about it every day. Having someone mention it isn't going to make me think about it, I already think about it, it just makes me not feel alone.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole - That's a really great idea about the letter on the bulletin board. I should put one up at the grocery store. Everyone would see that. We did run an obituary, but most people in my generation don't bother to read our local little paper, I guess.

I am in counseling. DH refuses to go. He has a master's degree in psychology himself, and for some reason puts no stock into therapy of any kind. Luckily, he doesn't directly use his degree in his career. My counselor is really nice, but I'm not sure how much its actually helping. I've only seen her twice. Its through a free grief organization, I don't have the money to pay someone, and I think I need to go more than twice a month to really work through anything.

There is a support group that meets twice a month at the same place, and I'm thinking about giving that a try. Its on the one day of the week that its really hard for me to get out of the house, because its DH's day off and I have to drive into the city about an hour away to go. But, I think I am going to try to make it soon.

I bet it felt good to have someone come up and acknoledge your loss and your pain. I think back on times in my life when someone I knew had a pregnancy loss and I just didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I really kick myself for that now, because I know just how much it hurts to be so ignored and seemingly forgotten. If nothing else, I guess this has made us more compassionate, empathetic people.

I'm heading to the thrift store today, my first venture out of the house in days other than to take Henry to school and pick him up. I have absolutely no clothes that fit. So, I'm hoping to find at least one pair of pants that will work. I feel so ugly right now. I'm so fat, and my skin is terrible because of the hormones, and I have no adorable newborn to make it acceptable. I'm on the fence between shopping in the maternity section, and being optimistic that I will be back in maternity clothes legitimately soon enough, or trying to find a pair of size 12 jeans that will fit my huge belly and size 6 butt. Its probably stupid, but the maternity clothes I wore when I was pregnant with Jack are just too painful to look at - they are in a tote, where they may very well live forever.

I hope everyone makes it through this weekend. Jenn, I will be thinking about you. I am so sorry you are in the middle of another painful loss.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

laura - I hear you about the clothes, it is so frustrating. I was not full term but was still in maternity. We found out the baby died on fri and weren't induced until mon. so I had to stay in maternity clothes until then. I had a sweet friend buy me a bunch of sweatshorts and bring them over. I am just now getting back into my jeans (the ones I usually end up in about 6 wks out so I am right on track) but it is frustrating. Good luck at the thrift store.

I hope you are able to put a note up at the grocery store bcs then it will be done all at once and in small towns people talk so you won't have to deal with it. The news will spread. I was thinking about it and it might be nice to put that he died from the placenta issue that way people aren't guessing and won't assume it is because of your alternative birth choices







The more you put on the paper the less they have to gossip about.









Sorry dh is having a hard time. Just remember that the way he is grieving in no way means he doesn't care men are just different.

I had a busy day. Was at a spiritual conference and it was great but was really hard being around so many people. I shared about our loss and that was so emotional but felt good. I am at the point where I want to talk about it, I want people to know that we lost a son, I don't want him to be forgotton.

How is everyone else doing today?


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

I had a pretty decent day. Went to the thrift store with my mom, then the grocery store. It was nice. It was in the city, so didn't run into anyone I knew. I scored a HOT pair of jeans - Citizens of Humanity, even - for $6. They are maternity, but no panel, so they are just what I needed to start feeling dressed when I go out again.

Nicole - I think its great that you were able to share the loss of Emeric with those at the spiritual conference today. Is this a spiritual community that you are active in on a regular basis?

Also, I guess I haven't read your birth story; I'm going to stalk your posts to find it. I didn't realize that you had to go the whole weekend knowing that your son had died before being induced. That must have been so traumatic for you. I'm so sorry.

The loss of Jack has made me realize just how isolated we (my family) are from everyone in our community. We don't attend church, we don't belong to organizations. So, when Jack died, people knew, thanks to Facebook and my parents calling everyone related, but no one came over, no one sent food, nothing like that.

My (out of state) cousin shot and killed our uncle and his wife on Tuesday. (There were drugs involved, we have all written off this part of the family decades ago, no condolences needed.) The cousin is the son of my mom's sister. It was their brother that he killed. His mom, my mom's sister, is a member of a church and she is very active in her small community. People have brought so much food that they can't even put it all in the refrigerator or on the counter tops. There is food on bookshelves in the living room. Her house has been full of people giving their support for her. Hugs and sympathetic ears abounded. And, truly, her loss is a massive one. Her child didn't die, but he took the lives of two other people. And, yes, I'm sure she is grieving in a way I hope to never know.

But, I have to say, it made me kind of bitter when my mom, who drove up after it happened, called me to tell me what huge amounts of support her friends and community were showing. I feel jaded, that I didn't experience any of that. I have many, many family members here, and I thought I had friends, but no one has come by, no one calls, no one brought food. This is the South. The Deep South. People should have brought food.

Anyway, the point of all that is to say that this has really opened my eyes to what an isolated life we live. We are surrounded by relatives and acquaintances, but no one who really gives a damn, apparently. I have no religious beliefs, but I would like to find some way to cultivate that sense of community in my family's life. We are planning a big move, out of this tiny town, before the end of this year. I think when we find a new home, I am going to work hard to also create community in our lives.

Has anyone else had any thoughts about this, or felt the need to find a niche in society that extends outside their own home?


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

laura- I can't believe no one has offered any help. How horrible. I think that if you were to post that note at the grocery store and maybe at the bottom put things your family needs then people would step up. My guess is those that know just don't know what to do, infant loss is so tabu.
I have a hard time asking for help but really knew that I would need it so when I found out Emeric died (before we had him) I sent out a mass e-mail letting everyone know what was going on and what we needed like meals, housekeeping, childcare, putting away maternity clothes, money for burial, etc. I was really glad that I sent it bcs by the time that I had him I didn't want anyone around but it was too late they were already helping and I desperately needed. People also thanked me for sending it bcs they said so many times they don't know what to do and don't want to bother someone so don't offer help. I was extremely surprised at some of the people that brought food or sent money, a mom from my sons school i hardly know (I don't even know how she found out), people from our church (some of whom I have never met), and some friends. I think it was bcs my e-mail prob jst kept getting forwarded and then people knew what to do, who knows.

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone in all of this. The help for us stopped abour 1 1/2 wks after he was born and i felt very alone like I was on my own and the only one that knew this kind of pain. That is why these boards have been so helpful.

My story can be found here if you are interested in reading it.

I know laura and I aren't the only ones out here. Hope all the lurkers are hanging in there







come join us


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Every day I wish that I would wake up from this nightmare. I know I need to start accepting it (which I have to a degree) and try to move forward. I feel like I have good days and bad days still and I just don't want the bad days at all. I don't want to be in this situation and I hate that I am.

I got my second period a few days ago and it is so heavy and physically painful and emotionally I am a wreck. I guess we are officially TTC again even though I don't feel quite emotionally ready for what that entails. I also know it may take awhile and I don't want to waste any time.

DH is ready to move forward and although he has moments here and there, they are very rare. He doesn't understand why I don't want to visit with his family yet. I had his sister over for the first time with her 2 children (1 is a newborn) and it was so freaking hard not to run out of the house screaming every time the baby cried. Watching my DD "take care" of the baby was hard too, but the most difficult thing was having to explain to DD that she wasn't her cousin's big sister. She is still clinging to the idea of being a big sister and that just breaks my heart. Also, out of the blue DD keeps talking about "when the next baby comes, we'll buy this for them" or "when the next baby comes, we'll give this to them"


----------



## amo4piano (Jan 19, 2010)

SAME HERE. I just m/c at 10.5 weeks...actually I'm STILL m/c right now







But the point is that it seems ALL MY FRIENDS are suddenly pregnant. And now I'm also sad thinking how nice it would've been to be on the same journey with them and to have kids the same age. But mostly I'm just sad that I'm not also pg. Like you, I am not jealous or unhappy for them, just very sad at our loss.

The worst part--we hadn't told anyone yet. So I have to act excited and perky for them all when inside I am just dying. And I can't share my loss with any of them (we aren't crazy about telling people). Also, since I've been in this m/c process for a while now, I feel like so much time is getting away from us. I am only 30, but I will be 31 in a couple months and now I am facing the fact that if we can't get pg very soon after this mess is over, I could be 32 before I have my first, where I was due in April and I would've just turned 31 before giving birth. So I feel like I'm losing a whole year...and who knows how long it will take my body to get out of this funk its currently in. I've been painfully and heavily m/c for 7 days now (after waiting 5 weeks for bleeding to begin). So time is just TICKING AWAY :/

I'm glad this thread is here...thank you for starting it. I'm sure it will be a great comfort to many. Sending you peace and comfort!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

amo4piano - I am so sad you have to be here, but welcome. It is so hard to let go and just let this process run its course. Things turned out well for me after my first 2 losses and i just need to trust the process again. It is so hard when you are in it. You might choose to tell some of your friends, might make it easier on you, that way they can understand the pain you are going through.

Paeta16 - it is so hard watching the kids go through this but kinda sweet to see how they process it also. My 6 yr old fell out of his chair at dinner shortly after emeric died and we scolded him. He announced that it wasn't his fault that emeric had pushed him and now he was whispering in his ear so he was a bit distracted and couldn't listen to us







broke my heart but was sweet to see him process it. My 3 yr old randomly shouts at the top of his lungs "EMERIC DIED" then just goes about his business. We call it our daily death announcement. We purchased the book "we were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead" and it is geared for children ages 4-6+ We read it together every sunday when we go to the grave. My children love it. They want another baby too and it is hard to explain to them that we just don't know if we will have another baby.

This all really stinks, the whole process. We are 7 wks out from the loss and I am functioning better right now and I can see how it will become easier but man it is really painful and i know it will never go away.

LJ- I just wanted to comment on the post I made. I wasn't trying to make you feel even more alone that you didn't have support, just saying that it is so hard and I did have support so I can't imagine how difficult it would be w/out any. I really hope it didn't come off wrong.
Please pm your address, I would like to send you something if you feel comfortable with that.


----------



## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I don't want to dusrupt this wonderful thread but I wanted to offer hugs from someone who's come out the other side. It's wonderful you ladies are finding eachother. The friendships I gained on this board after loosing Amelia are priceless.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
But, I have to say, it made me kind of bitter when my mom, who drove up after it happened, called me to tell me what huge amounts of support her friends and community were showing. I feel jaded, that I didn't experience any of that. I have many, many family members here, and I thought I had friends, but no one has come by, no one calls, no one brought food. This is the South. The Deep South. People should have brought food.

Anyway, the point of all that is to say that this has really opened my eyes to what an isolated life we live. We are surrounded by relatives and acquaintances, but no one who really gives a damn, apparently. I have no religious beliefs, but I would like to find some way to cultivate that sense of community in my family's life. We are planning a big move, out of this tiny town, before the end of this year. I think when we find a new home, I am going to work hard to also create community in our lives.

Has anyone else had any thoughts about this, or felt the need to find a niche in society that extends outside their own home?

LJ, just wanted to say that you are not alone here. I have also felt so deserted after my losses. When I read here about the outpourings of goodwill that some Mamas receive from their friends, communities, churches, I feel so let down. Aside from my parents, I got no calls, texts, food, flowers, visits - nothing. No acknowledgment whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting anything... It just really made me wonder about my friendships.

My second loss happened less than two weeks before my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She had surgery immediately and spent 10 days in intensive care. It was a stressful time. Even then, all I got were a couple of texts asking about my Mum. (She is recovered now btw)

Anyhow, I am going about now trying to change my connections in life. I'm trying to meet new people, and for me, part of that is going down the path of doing some volunteer work. I've gone to church a couple of times. I'm trying to branch out a little bit.

Anyway, I don't mean to hijack. In fact, I think that this thread is great idea.
Much love to you all.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I am so sorry to the mamas that don't get any support. I was hurt and felt so alone when it stopped.

This thread can not be interrupted or hijacked bcs it is about whatever is on your mind and u are welcome as long as you have had a loss, it doesn't matter when


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

Hi ladies...I'm doing better than I was a few days ago. It seems to come and go and there isn't a real pattern to when I will feel crummy and when I have a good day.









I'm still hitting milestones that I had in my head. For instance, today was a big event in my town that we attend every year w/DH's work. It usually involves a fair amount of drinking for the grownups and when I found out I was pregnant, I thought, well I can be the driver for this year since I'll be 17 weeks pregnant at that point. So it was difficult to go to that today and NOT be 17 weeks pregnant, you know? But it seems to slowly be getting better.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Paeta - Our older children are about the same age. Henry is still really not comprehending that his baby brother is gone. He does the same things your Nora does; he talks about "when the baby comes" and "This shirt is too small for me so I'm going to put it up and save it for the baby." Its so hard, to not be able to make him really understand. But, I guess I appreciate his innocence in the whole thing.

When did you get your first period back? I'm 5 weeks pp today, and no sign of AF at all. I feel, hormonally, crazy. I'm all over the place, emotionally and with physical symptoms of my hormones being out of whack, so I really hope it comes soon, and I hopefully level back out. Sounds like it might get worse those first could of cycles before it gets better, though?

Nicole - you didn't make me feel bad at all. This was a HUGE wake up call that other than my parents, I have absolutely no one in my real life that cares anything about me or my family. That is hugely depressing in and of itself, but it has inspired me to find that sense of community somewhere other than in the people who I am directly related to.

Milkshake - I'm so sorry you are going through this all alone, too. Its eye opening, for sure. I haven't yet figured out where to start looking for that community that I crave so much, but volunteer work sounds like a good idea. I'm going to look into that, too.

amo4piano - I am so sorry you are going through this terrible loss without being able to talk about it with your friends and family. Do you not feel comfortable confiding in at least the pregnant ones that you are close to, so they can possible use tact when talking with you about their pregnancies? Even though the people around me have been totally useless, at least I am "allowed" to be unhappy and gloomy when I need to be. Putting on a brave face day after day will take a lot out of you.

I am still in my 20s, but I can still relate somewhat to feeling like time is just ticking away. My DH is 39, and he doesn't want us to have babies into his 40s. I know we will have one more regardless, but I don't know if we will ever have the 3 living children that I dream of, because there just isn't enough time. Its so not fair.

I was supposed to get to go to The Farm this Wednesday for my pp check up, but things came up with DHs job and we are going to have to push it back another week. I'm really, really upset about that. That's the only thing I've been able to look forward to for 5 weeks. I just want a wise woman to put her hands on me and tell me that everything will be okay next time, that I'm not damaged goods, and that my body can grow a healthy placenta. I guess having to wait another week won't be the end of the world. Its a 3.5 hour drive for us, and its important to DH that he come with me, so I don't want to just take off by myself while he's stuck at work.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

How is everyone doing today?

Today it has been 7 wks since I had my son, it just feels like yesterday. Physically I am doing way better and even have bouts of energy. Sleeping a little better now too.
I had breakfast this morning with my friend that just told me she was pg on fri. (we had planned this breakfast for a while). She has never had a loss and doesn't seem to be very sensitive to where I am at, complaining about her nausea, talking about the pg, etc. When I was getting ready to leave I explained to her that this was REALLY hard for me. She responded with "It is really hard for me to listen to these sad stories"







I told her that it wasn't contagous and just bcs I talk about my son that died doesn't mean it will happen to her. It really bummed me out as this is a really close friend but if she can not understand how much this hurts me right now then I just don't know what I am going to do








The good news about that is that it made me sad and dissapointed and I didn't cry for hours on end about it like I would have a couple of weeks ago so I am making progress.
I had a counceling session today and it went really well. I have seen her 3 times now and basically I just














and she just listens adn my insurance pays for it. It is great for now








I hope everyone is doing ok and I am so glad this thread is fairly active. I desperately needed this. Thanks ladies


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole, I am so sorry that your friend is being so insensitive. Its amazing to me how (most; all I have encountered) people just cannot grasp what its like to lose a child until they have. Empathy is something that we, as caring adults, offer freely to others even when we don't have personal experience with the situation. It seems like the loss of a child, before that child is of an age where people begin to consider him "real", has a place all its own in others minds. They just can't grasp it, or muster up any empathy or understanding or sensitivity. You lost your son at 17 weeks, I lost mine at 36, and a girl I am acquainted with locally lost her daughter to SIDS at 6 days old. We all have very similar stories of insensitivity being shown us. I'm not sure what age a child has to be before society will really allow us to grieve and treat us with tact.

My very best friend, my only friend, in real life, about three weeks after I lost Jack, we were talking on the phone, just chit chatting, and she said to me "I don't know what it is. I know I don't need a baby right now, the timing couldn't be worse, but I have baby fever and I don't know if I can resist it." Or something to that effect. She thought she was ovulating. It just about broke me at the time. I didn't talk to her for nearly two weeks - I called her for the first time since this weekend. I decided that I had to just let it go, or suffer total isolation from the world outside my parents, husband and preschooler. But, I don't think we will ever be really close again. We'll meet for shopping, or at the playground, but it'll never be the same.

That's another part of this baby loss thing that really sucks, something I don't think the books touch on much. That not only do we lose our child, but it seems that a percentage of us at least, if not most, lose other significant relationships in our lives. Even if we don't completely lose them, they change, and things can never really go back to being the same.

I am so glad to hear that you are having bursts of energy again. That gives me some hope, for real!

My husband and I had lunch today, at a Cajun place that I love. I had a moment of self pity because all of the waitresses have huge fake boobs that hang out of their low cut tank tops and shorts so short their butt cheeks show. I was feeling really fat and crappy, but DH was so sweet, and he was able to make me laugh and feel better. Two long islands didn't hurt my mood, either. So, I guess today was a pretty good day for me.

Nicole - I just realized both of our weeks start on Monday. We both had our boys on Monday.


----------



## MrsMike (Aug 4, 2006)

I'm glad to see a chat thread. I've had a really crappy night. My dute date is is 29 days. I should be 35w6d. I keep torturing myself by reading the October DDC and looking at all the belly pics. Maybe I'm just trying to imagine what it would be like if I were still pregnant and experiencing the same things as the October ladies. My looming due date has just cast me back into those dark places I was a few months ago when I initially miscarried. I just wrote a pretty strong-worded blog about it.

At work, everyone expects me to zip it. I have to put on this stupid little show. One co-worker just had a baby and two more are due in a few months. I'm a veterinary technician and I deal with the public all day long. Tons of pregnant ladies and new babies come through the door. And I just have to smile and suck it up because the people I work with think I should be over it by now. Makes me want to scream.

I have lost a few friends along the way. One ditched me within weeks of my miscarriage because she though I was behaving awkwardly and that I was shutting the world out. She wrote me a letter scolding me for my sorrow. The best friend who was my rock during it all is gone. She is in the middle of a rip in her marriage and since I was good friends with her dh, I am gone to her. There are people I just can't deal with. One of the pregnant people I know has complained since day 1 about how much she hates that she is pregnant, how she only wanted a boy (having a girl) and the whole thing is a big inconvenience to her. I'm like, HELLO!!!!!!! would you like to be in my position instead?

I really just want to punch people. Guess this is an anger phase.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
Nicole, I am so sorry that your friend is being so insensitive. Its amazing to me how (most; all I have encountered) people just cannot grasp what its like to lose a child until they have. Empathy is something that we, as caring adults, offer freely to others even when we don't have personal experience with the situation. It seems like the loss of a child, before that child is of an age where people begin to consider him "real", has a place all its own in others minds. They just can't grasp it, or muster up any empathy or understanding or sensitivity. You lost your son at 17 weeks, I lost mine at 36, and a girl I am acquainted with locally lost her daughter to SIDS at 6 days old. We all have very similar stories of insensitivity being shown us. I'm not sure what age a child has to be before society will really allow us to grieve and treat us with tact.

It's funny (not really) that I got more sympathy from friends and co-workers when my dog died a few years back than I have for any of my losses. She was beautiful, my best friend, and I loved her so much. I was devastated and everyone knew it, and they were so lovely to me.
Doesn't make a lot of sense right?


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

milk8shake- you're right, it doesn't make a lot of since but maybe since it was something they knew, that they could see, then it was "real" to them.

Mrsmike- I am sorry you are approaching your edd. I remember it after my first loss. Man it sucked. I thought I would be pg by the time I hit my edd but I had just gone through a 2nd m/c. I actually was pg on my edd but jst by a few days so had no idea. It sucked hard but I made it through, it was just part of this journey.
STAY AWAY FROM THE OCT. DDC!!! YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF.

laura- mondays suck in a whole new way now! For me I found he died on a fri. and didn't have him until mon. so the whole weekend and then monday are just bleck.

I hope my friend doesnt' read this thread. She posts on mdc but not on the loss board but who knows if she is lurking. If she does read this I just want her to know this isn't about her but just how vulnerable I am lately. I need the utomost of empathy and understanding right now.
This is about the REAL fact that my son is dead and I am no longer pregnant not about the PERCEIVED idea of something bad happening to her or to anyone else for that matter.
I think that people really think that this is contagious. I am sorry but me talking about the death of my son is not going to make your children die. It just doesn't work that way.
I have regular dreams of my children dieing and it sucks but I know that those are dreams (for now) and not reality like the death of emeric.

Off to try and make it through another day...


----------



## dfunk98 (Jul 14, 2005)

i'm glad this thread is here. i have good days and bad days. it's been almost 4 months since my m/c. my periods were really heavy at first-i felt my uterus was "angry"-tey have since gotten better, more "normal". it's still hard. my dh says he doesn't want anymore children, but when i'm upset about our loss, he asks "what do you want to do?" i feel like maybe he does want another baby, but is afraid to admit it at this point. it's so frustrating.

i also have a hard time dealing with my reality- that i'm really not pg anymore. i keep thinking, "i would be x weeks right now" or something like that. it's not getting any easier for me.


----------



## MrsMike (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
It's funny (not really) that I got more sympathy from friends and co-workers when my dog died a few years back than I have for any of my losses. She was beautiful, my best friend, and I loved her so much. I was devastated and everyone knew it, and they were so lovely to me.
Doesn't make a lot of sense right?

I've suffered a few pet losses over the years, all were pretty devastating and I did get more support from people for that. Wanna hear something screwed up? I work at a veterinary hospital. Everyday we send out sympathy cards to our clients whose pets have passed away. Even people who were only came to us to have a pet put to sleep (i.e. they were not clients previously) will get a sympathy card. The cards are signed by all staff members. Did I get a card from my co-workers when my baby died? Nope. Two individuals sent me cards (the only cards I got at all in addition to a Mass card from my mom), but the other 50 co-workers didn't. That pissed me off like you won't believe. I hate people.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 

Mrsmike- I am sorry you are approaching your edd. I remember it after my first loss. Man it sucked. I thought I would be pg by the time I hit my edd but I had just gone through a 2nd m/c. I actually was pg on my edd but jst by a few days so had no idea. It sucked hard but I made it through, it was just part of this journey.
STAY AWAY FROM THE OCT. DDC!!! YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF.

I'm trying, I'm trying. I, too, though I would be pregnant by now. But I only got up the courage to start trying this month.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dfunk98* 
i'm glad this thread is here. i have good days and bad days. it's been almost 4 months since my m/c. my periods were really heavy at first-i felt my uterus was "angry"-tey have since gotten better, more "normal". it's still hard. my dh says he doesn't want anymore children, but when i'm upset about our loss, he asks "what do you want to do?" i feel like maybe he does want another baby, but is afraid to admit it at this point. it's so frustrating.

i also have a hard time dealing with my reality- that i'm really not pg anymore. i keep thinking, "i would be x weeks right now" or something like that. it's not getting any easier for me.

It may be really scary for your dh. He may be afraid of going through this again, seeing you hurt and in pain. Hopefully, with time, he will be able to express his feelings more. I encourage you to keep communicating with him.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
It has been a couple of weeks since I have had this horible insomnia. I just can't sleep. Every time I lay down I think of Emeric and how I am not pregnant with him.
I am feeling pretty alone today, it just seems that most people feel I should be over it by now and I think (although they haven't said so directly) that they are pretty done with me talking about it. I only see my councilor 1x a wk and that just isn't enough. I still want to talk about him all the time. I am afraid people will forget. I am afraid I will forget (although I know realistically that is unlikely).
I am going to go to a grief support group next thurs. and I hope that will be helpful. Dh doesn't want to go with me though and that bums me out. He is done talking about it too although he is willing to just suck it up and listen bcs he knows I need to talk but that is not what I want. I want to share my memory of my son with someone that appreciates where I am at and how painful this is.
I feel that pg loss is so taboo that it really isn't even ok for me to talk about the death of my son or even mention that I lost a son as I might make someone else uncomfortable








Glad this thread is here as I am feeling very alone and I know that even if you ladies don't read this till later you will understand me.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

just wanted to share that I was picking up ds3 from pre school today and there is a mom that had a little boy in July (she has a 4 hr old girl as well). He is just adorable but it really breaks my heart to look at him. She was asking which children were mine and how many I had. I told her 4 and she asked if we were planning on having more. I don't know why I did it but I told her I had just had a son and although we weren't planning on more before emeric that we were definately undecided at this time.
She ended up telling me that 9 yrs ago her daughter was born with a chromosomal abnormality at 41 wks, she was diagnosed at birth and died 4 hrs later. We talked about how lonely it is especially for her 9 yrs later and how society expects us not to talk about it. It was so nice for me to see that I really am not alone. She was very sweet and told me that even at 9 yrs she thinks about her daughter all the time and it is ridiculous for people to expect us to "get over it" quickly.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 

When did you get your first period back? I'm 5 weeks pp today, and no sign of AF at all. I feel, hormonally, crazy. I'm all over the place, emotionally and with physical symptoms of my hormones being out of whack, so I really hope it comes soon, and I hopefully level back out. Sounds like it might get worse those first could of cycles before it gets better, though?


I got my first period on August 19th after giving birth on July 1st...so 7 weeks exactly. I didn't know for sure it was my period b/c up until 3 weeks after that I still had spotting!! However, I got my second period last week and the symptoms were similar to my first one...crazy heavy bleeding that lasted more than 4 days. I'm happy that my cycle has returned but I am bitter about having to go through the entire TTC process and the waiting and all of that.

Laura, I totally understand wanting your body to at least feel physically normal again. Waiting for that to happen, for me, was a complete nightmare and made dealing with everything that much worse! I hope your period returns soon so you can get some relief at least.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Mrs. Mike, my due date is approaching too (Oct. 28th) and I feel the same way as you. For me, however, I kind of cannot wait for it to pass and hopefully help me move forward a little bit kwim?

Nicole, your friend is a self-centred b-tch! I'll be honest here and say that this is the exact reason that I have avoided people since my loss...including close friends. So many people have done and said insensitve things that I have chosen to avoid most people. Sad isn't it? I'll also admit that I don't feel that guilty about this avoidance either. The only people I've seen and spoken to regularly are my 4 mom friends locally, my DH and my sisters (both of whom have said stupid things as well). People just do not get it...AT ALL.

I'm sorry everyone is going through so much pain. I wish we didn't have to deal with any of this.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Paeta- This is really hard bcs she is a close friend and really it is just common since. after my first m/c my bff had never had a loss, she became pg and it was hard but she was amazing. She didn't talk about pg stuff with me, she just let me talk about sam and that was what I needed.

LJ- I got af about 5 wks after my loss. Here ismy chart. My cycles are not normal right now as I have random spotting throughout both of my cycles and little to no cm. My cm is usually very obvious and we typically get pg very easily but that is not the case right now.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MrsMike* 
I've suffered a few pet losses over the years, all were pretty devastating and I did get more support from people for that. Wanna hear something screwed up? I work at a veterinary hospital. Everyday we send out sympathy cards to our clients whose pets have passed away. Even people who were only came to us to have a pet put to sleep (i.e. they were not clients previously) will get a sympathy card. The cards are signed by all staff members. That pissed me off like you won't believe. I hate people.

That is screwy, and incidentally we did get a sympathy card from our vet too.
I know some people will think I'm ridiculous for comparing children to pets, but I consider my pets to be part of my family. In fact, my dogs have probably done more for me getting through these hard times than most people have. They always seem to just 'know' exactly when I need a bit of special attention. I find a lot of comfort in them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
It has been a couple of weeks since I have had this horible insomnia. I just can't sleep. Every time I lay down I think of Emeric and how I am not pregnant with him.
Glad this thread is here as I am feeling very alone and I know that even if you ladies don't read this till later you will understand me.

Sleep has been a massive problem for me. I hate to say it, but even now, I really struggle. It seems like when I lay down, and it's quiet, it all comes flooding back. I'd stay awake for hours going over things in my head, what I did, what I should have done. When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every night.
My counsellor has helped me understand it to some degree. Knowing that this is my brain's way of coping with the grief and trauma.
One thing that helps me go to sleep is guided imagery . I have to imagine a place or time when I felt happy and relaxed. I think about taking my dogs too the beach. I have to concentrate on the feel of the sand, and the temperature of the water, and the noise of the waves. I think about the dogs, and how they would be wagging their tails, and we would all be having a great time.
I'm not saying that it's easy... I've really had to work at not letting my mind be easily distracted, and slip back to unpleasant thoughts.
But I have found it a helpful strategy. Maybe it might help you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
We talked about how lonely it is especially for her 9 yrs later and how society expects us not to talk about it. It was so nice for me to see that I really am not alone. She was very sweet and told me that even at 9 yrs she thinks about her daughter all the time and it is ridiculous for people to expect us to "get over it" quickly.

It's sad to think that there are other people out there living the same pain, but oh boy it can be so comforting too. I'm glad you had a chance to have a chat to someone who can really identify with how you feel.

AFM: tomorrow I am off on a "date" with a great friend of mine who 7.5 months preggo. I am so blindingly jealous of her it's not funny. But, she *gets* it. I don't know how, but she does. She is so goddamn sensitive, and I love her. It is going to hurt like hell when she has her baby, but I don't want to miss out on it either. I told her last time that I want her to tell me baby/pregnancy stuff. I might cry when she tells me, but I want her to do it anyway. Then she cried. LOL


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Hi. I hope I'm not disrupting the flow, but I just wanted to pop in and give some hugs to all the grieving mamas on this thread.

I had a d&c for a missed mc about 8.5 weeks ago and I would have been 22 wks pg this week. I realized that when I flipped my calendar to October this morning and discovered that I hadn't scribbled out the week markers for october that I had pre-filled when I became pg with my angel. I have been crying all day since then.

We're TTC officially with my next cycle and I'm waiting for AF to come in the next day or two. I miss my baby and I miss being pg. DH doesn't get it. He thinks we're (I'm) fine and over it. He doesn't ever want to talk about losing our baby and I think about it all the time. You ladies are the only people in my life that I can talk to about how hard this is. Thanks so much!!!


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

Hi, my son was stillborn (23weeks) in May this year, and I'm still miscarrying a subsequent pregnancy. The main miscarriage happened on my stillborn sons (Anil) EDD. Not how I expected to spend that day. It's dragging out, still a lot of fluid retained, HCG not gone down yet, I've had several internal scans, hospital visits and blood tests. In between our losses my Grandma died, DH's dad has been in and out of hospital and had an operation, and we've had some big issues with our business. One of my closest friends had her son just days before Anil's EDD, and seeing him is wonderful and painful at the same time. I think the most painful moment was when my 2 living boys met her baby for the first time - they just adored him, and were wonderful with him, and all I could think of was 'this was how it was supposed to be'....and how perfectly our lost son would have fit in our family right now.

I found the same thing with the lack of support. And how people would avoid me like I was a leper just because they had no idea how to handle me. At my workplace, it seems every week we are collecting money to send flowers to another staff member for something, yet I recieved not one card, and when I returned 3months after my loss, not one person acknowledged my loss.

I think a main reason friendships may change is because loss changes us so much. I'm just not the same person anymore, and so relationships will either evolve, or fade. I'm fortunate that the friend who just had the baby absolutely understands. She went through 5yrs of infertility and losses to get her son. She gets that if I can't handle seeing her or holding him, it's not a reflection of how much I care, it just simply means I'm having a bad day.

I hate that this can never be undone. This will always be who I am now. Not that I would undo the time I had my son. I still just want to wake up. With this miscarriage dragging out, I have no idea when I'll be pregnant again, and even if I do manage that pregnancy just does not mean a baby to me anymore. So there is the fear of well there is the time to fall pregnant, then the time to miscarry, then the time to fall pregnant again, and how many times we have to still go through that before we actually get to hold our own baby again. The other day I came across a picture of me holding my DS1 just after he was born, me all glowing and radiant - and I just thought, I wonder if or when I'll ever get to be in that position again, it seems so unattainable now.

As for siblings talking about the loss, my living DS's do that too. My eldest (4yrs) will say oh we'll need to get toys for the baby, and I say 'sweetie, remember we had our baby but he went to heaven?' and he would say 'I know that Mum, I meant ANOTHER baby!' He would be so awesome with a baby. We've all been robbed.

And then just today, on the motorway a truck ran into a car who in turn ran into the back of me. It was pouring rain. As I got out of my car to talk to the driver behind me and swap details my jacket got caught and I fell over. I lay on my back soaked in the torrential rain and just thought "what next!?" I feel like the universe is pushing me to see just how much I can take. I try not to think that way though...I know it's not a personal attack. Sure feels like it sometimes though.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
Hi, my son was stillborn (23weeks) in May this year, and I'm still miscarrying a subsequent pregnancy. The main miscarriage happened on my stillborn sons (Anil) EDD. Not how I expected to spend that day.









Oh CLM that is just so unfair. I'm so very sorry for your losses.

I, personally, am barely hanging on. My DH keeps pushing me to do things and see people and I also feel a lot of pressure to do things and go places just for the sake of my DD (who is only 3). Last night my DH said "I hope you're not going to be sad for the entirety of October" and all I can think is that I was supposed to be having my baby this month and I feel so empty.
He says he meant that he wants me to find something, anything positive but I just can't seem to do that right now which makes me feel even worse. I don't want to let my DH and my DD down but I am a complete and utter mess right now emotionally. I know I cannot avoid people and life forever but I just cannot figure out how to move forward...


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
I had a d&c for a missed mc about 8.5 weeks ago and I would have been 22 wks pg this week. I realized that when I flipped my calendar to October this morning and discovered that I hadn't scribbled out the week markers for october that I had pre-filled when I became pg with my angel. I have been crying all day since then.

I'm so sorry for your loss







I find it hardest when things like that take me by surprise...and it just keeps happening it seems. I'm sorry that your calendar upset you so much. Calendars suck these days IMO!

Anyone else anticipating the end of 2010 as much as me?!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys*
> ...


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
I hate that this can never be undone. This will always be who I am now. Not that I would undo the time I had my son. I still just want to wake up. With this miscarriage dragging out, I have no idea when I'll be pregnant again, and even if I do manage that pregnancy just does not mean a baby to me anymore. So there is the fear of well there is the time to fall pregnant, then the time to miscarry, then the time to fall pregnant again, and how many times we have to still go through that before we actually get to hold our own baby again.

I know what you mean. I never though I would be in this place where pregnancy doesn't mean getting to have a baby at the end of 9 months. I never though m/c was something that would happen to ME. It's something that those OTHER women go through, certainly not ME! It fills me with anger that any of us have to go through this kind of heartache and misery when all we want to do is bring much wanted life into the world. There are so many women having babies or elective abortions who never even wanted a baby and for those of us who DO, we suffer.

SO NOT FAIR!























We are officially TTC this month. AF arrived this morning, so hopefully our luck will return and we'll make our sticky







in about 18 days or so. It took two years to conceive our DS, but I got pg with my angel the first time I O'd after getting AF back after DS was born. Hopefully the infertility cycle has been broken now. I so don't want to go through another m/c, but I'm jaded now and I'm worried that I won't be able to bond with my next pg. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself...one.day.at.a.time.

Hugs to you all


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

theboysmama said:


> Quote:
> 
> -Do you guys want me to start an Oct. thread? Or just leave this one going until Nov?
> My vote is for leaving it 'til Nov. It started late in the month. We can start new in Nov. Just my two cents...


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sounds great! I will start a new one in Nov. I am so excited that this thread is pretty active. It is just what I need right now.

egmaranian- good luck on the ttc journey. It is a hell of a ride. I bonded differently with my kiddos after my m/c's, maybe even more so. I decided early on to appreciate every min. with them as I didn't know how long I would get with them. It was really helpful. That doesn't mean I didn't worry but bonding with them wasn't a problem.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

I'm just so sad. So sad. And I want to scream and rage about it in a crowded room, but that's not socially acceptable. Nobody will make eye contact with me and I can't make eye contact with them. I've gotten the awkward hugs and the pitying looks but people are giving me space with I guess is good, because if I didn't have space I'd probably lose it. But at the same time, I want to lose it so that people will see how real the pain is. And I don't know how and when things will go back to normal with my friends.

I just want to curl up into a little ball in the dark.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

tangledblue- I get it! The loss of ones child is so taboo that people recognize it must be hard but can't even grasp how hard but hard enough that they don't want to think about it. I am so sorry that you (or any of us) are experiencing this pain. It sucks. I don't know when your loss was but mine has been 8 wks and i find that there are days where I am starting to feel like I am back in my body again instead of just looking down at the poor sap from above. It is not easy but is managable although some days still are not.
Take some time to yourself, take a bath, you deserve it. Big hugs to you.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

Thanks, Nicole. It's only been a week, so still very raw. And it's my second m/c (I do have one child, born between the m/c, thank goodness or I would be even more of a mess than I am.)

But I feel so alone. DH is supportive and sweet, but really doesn't get how I'm feeling--it was like this last time too--he views it as my thing to help me with, not his thing to grieve. Sure, he is disappointed, but not sad like I am.

It was a first tri loss, and certainly there's no comparison between that and losing a living child, or having a stillbirth, or losing a child after you feel it move inside (I feel, although some might feel differently.) That's part of what makes it so difficult for the feelings to be legitimized. Nonetheless, it's on the continuum; it gives us a tiny tiny taste of every parent's worst nightmare, and I think that's what makes it so difficult. We realize we are completely vulnerable to having the most important things taken away from us.

It doesn't help that we never see miscarriage depicted or addressed in popular culture. Pregnancy is always supposed to have a happy ending, or miscarriage just becomes a convenient plot device for the character to not have a baby and yet not have an abortion. Our culture really has a hard time admitting the possibility of loss and what it means. Also, it is so common that we feel like maybe we shouldn't be sad, or at least that seems to be the message sometimes.

Thanks for listening. Hugs to you all.


----------



## MrsMike (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Mrs. Mike, my due date is approaching too (Oct. 28th) and I feel the same way as you. For me, however, I kind of cannot wait for it to pass and hopefully help me move forward a little bit kwim?


Same here. I just want to get the day done and over with. I still have to tell my boss at my other job (I teach pre-school gymnastics) that I will NOT be in that day.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
That is screwy, and incidentally we did get a sympathy card from our vet too.
I know some people will think I'm ridiculous for comparing children to pets, but I consider my pets to be part of my family. In fact, my dogs have probably done more for me getting through these hard times than most people have. They always seem to just 'know' exactly when I need a bit of special attention. I find a lot of comfort in them.


Not ridiculous at all. My pets are my babies. Always have been, always will be. They are big parts of our family. My one cat, Amber, did not leave my side when I was miscarrying. I was in the tub and she sat on top of the toilet, purring and offering "head bumps." They know.

Big squishy







to all in this thread.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tangledblue* 
I'm just so sad. So sad. And I want to scream and rage about it in a crowded room, but that's not socially acceptable. Nobody will make eye contact with me and I can't make eye contact with them. I've gotten the awkward hugs and the pitying looks but people are giving me space with I guess is good, because if I didn't have space I'd probably lose it. But at the same time, I want to lose it so that people will see how real the pain is. And I don't know how and when things will go back to normal with my friends.

I just want to curl up into a little ball in the dark.

You expressed this very well. I feel like this all the time!


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tangledblue* 
.
It was a first tri loss, and certainly there's no comparison between that and losing a living child, or having a stillbirth, or losing a child after you feel it move inside (I feel, although some might feel differently.)

I have to say that I very much felt this way when I joined MDC after my first loss. I feel differently now. Each of my babies were alive and loved, and I had hopes and dreams for them. I think that everyone's pain is relative to their circumstances, and none should be considered 'greater' than others.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tangledblue* 
Pregnancy is always supposed to have a happy ending, or miscarriage just becomes a convenient plot device for the character to not have a baby and yet not have an abortion.

Mmmm yes. This annoys the crap out of me. The character who miscarries is always up and over it by the next week's episode.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
Each of my babies were alive and loved, and I had hopes and dreams for them. I think that everyone's pain is relative to their circumstances, and none should be considered 'greater' than others.

I am really glad that you brought this up. My first loss was at 12.5 wks, the baby had died around 7.5 wks and the m/c was extremely physically and emotionally traumatic, my 2nd was at 6wks and was emotionally wearing especially since it was immediately after my first loss, my 3rd was at 17 wks and I actually gave birth and held my son. All 3 of my experiences are different, parts of them were more difficult or harder than the others but there is no way to compare the 3.
The same goes for comparing a loss from one woman to the next bcs they were further along. There are so many factors that it just is hard to know how much that woman is being affected both physically and emotionally.
I find that I judge myself the most. I was worried to go the the grief support group since I was "only" 17 wks and I didn't want to minimize the grief a woman with a full term still birth was dealing with. What I have found is that is my judgement on myself and usually the women that I am worried about are the ones incouraging me to go. So I am going to go on thurs. and talk about "my" experience, "my" grief, and how that pertains to "my" life.
Every loss is individual and every life deserves the same ammount of respect (I don't know if respect is the right word).
All of my losses have been hard in their own way. I just want to make sure that every woman that is experiencing a loss feels welcome and at home here. This is the only place I feel welcome so I feel it is so important, even if the judgement is ourselves.

Guess I needed to get that out.
Hope everyone is having an ok night and getting some sleep.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

Yes, I shouldn't have phrased it in quite that way--of course everyone's grief is different. That was just how I felt for my own experience. For me, although I am so sad about the m/c, it is nothing like the devastation I would feel if something happened to my daughter, or even like how I would imagine I would feel if I had a stillbirth. But that's just me, of course. I don't want to qualify anyone else's pain. We all have very good reasons to be here and be sad and feel however we want to feel, and of course all of us had hopes for the little lives lost.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

And also, I think the fact that society at large doesn't recognize m/cs as losses, especially first tri losses, it adds to the grief--nobody really thinks they should send you flowers or a sympathy card or bring you a lasagna.

You're lucky if you get those things afterwards, not just for any comfort they might bring but because it means that someone recognizes that it is a huge deal and acknowledges your pain. I think that is part of what is bugging me--people say they are sorry, but nobody really gets what you are going through unless they have had a m/c themselves, and sometimes not even then.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Tangledblue- that was in no way meant as a criticism to what you said. I have felt the same way about my own loss but realize that is just my judgement on myself. We only have our own experiences and they are all valid. I have to constantly remind myself that.
You are sso right about socitys views on m/c. To me it feels if they didn't meet that person then they didn't exist. There is jst no way they could truly understand the grief unless they have been in a similar situation. Even then it is situational and everyones experience is so different.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

ARGH I can feel the anxiety creeping back in. I m/c'd on Sept 22 and _think_ I either ovulated late last week or are still ovulating. I am having a hard time telling. My doctor told us not to bother waiting or using protection ~ to go forward with TTC again...so we are. And last week before I even felt like I was ovulating I was so full of certainty and was positive we would get a BFP on our next test...then I started to see the FCM and we started on our TTC and have DTD just about every other day for the last week. I am not positive I have ovulated partly because of the anxiety...I am second guessing myself and wondering if I am reading the signs right. I am not checking my temperature or anything...just watching for FCM. Is there anything you gals could/would suggest for me (short of the temping simply because I have not ever charted that way so I would not know what would register as a drop/increase in temps). Should I get a OPK test strips?

Then the anxiety is starting to eat me alive again wondering if I have o'd and wondering if it is going to implant this time...SO freaking frustrating how the anxiety never really, truly goes away...it just hides for a few days then returns.

Any help from those of you who conceived after a m/c without waiting for AF to return one cycle?


----------



## dfunk98 (Jul 14, 2005)

the last few days have been really hard. i fell like, now more than ever, i am overwhelmed with the feeling that i want to have another baby. the baby i m/c was not planned for and dh has said he doesn't want anymore, but then asks my questions that lead me to believe he could be persuaded otherwise. i told him this morning, we need to talk about it again.
i have so many reservations; we already have two children and a three bedroom house, my ds spends 90% of the night in our bed, dh and i have been having a hard time in our marriage lately. it feels like things are on an upswing, but i feel like it's so selfish of me to want another child. i can't even put into words why i want one. i love my children so much, i am so in love with them. i just want to share that love with another child. i want to be pregnant again. but also, there is that fear that i could m/c again, or worse. it's just such a big leap. i feel like i just need to do it and not think about it bc if i do, i'll make myself crazy. but how do i not think about it? i just know that this feeling is not going away-no matter how scared i am.
i also think that if dh unequivocally decides that he does not want to have any more children, i need to ask him to have a vasectomy. i just can't live with the idea that we *could* have another baby and just _*aren't*_. it's too painful. i've kept all our baby stuff, clothes and maternity clothes, too. it's hurts just to go in my attic and see those things. i need to know once and for all where we stand on this.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

For those who mentioned the partners telling them not to be sad - my husband did that, even in the first month after our loss he would tell me "just be happy" - as if I could somehow just flick a switch and all the agonising pain would disappear. I thought he was already over it - then one day it came out that he just really needed for me to be ok again so that he could feel ok, because inside he felt he was losing his wife now as well as his child.

Also that was a reason at one point he was saying no more babies - because he was scared to see what another loss would do to me. I know though, that I just can't let my stillbirth be my last experience of labour and birth - when I think of childbirth now, all I see is my son's closed eyes, that never opened. And when I see newborns sleeping....to me they always look dead. These thoughts seem horrible so I never say them out loud.

For me, I know I haven't dealt with this miscarriage properly. I guess I'm afraid that if I let myself feel everything I just wont survive it. Also I guess I'm worried that if I fall apart again, DH will say no to future ttc. I'm having a blood test today to check my HCG is back to normal - I'm scared it wont be and the will we/won't we have a d&c rollercoaster will be back on again. I started miscarrying on the 7th of September (spotting)- though we weren't sure we'd lost our baby till the 14th, and here it's OCtober and it's still dragging out. The problem is, with trying to just shut down my feelings so that I can survive this and somehow move forward, I worry others will think I'm heartless or don't care, or even worse that I wished it. If only they knew the chasm of grief just waiting to suck me in. But my living boys need their mummy, it was very hard on them after we lost their brother.

Strange how I dealt ok when my friends baby was born and my husbands cousin had her baby (we were all due around the same time) because I had really worked on preparing myself for that, but what I didn't expect was how hard I'm finding it now, as they go about daily life with a baby, and thinking I should be doing that. And also...I can't believe it's been so long now since I've nursed. The plan was having them about 2 1/2 years apart - my two living DS's both self-weaned at around 2yrs when I was pregnant with the next, so for 5 years I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. And now I just feel so empty. Barren.

Been a rough couple of days, feeling myself sinking back to that dark place and trying to fight against it. I went back to self-harming after the stillbirth, but haven't for almost 9weeks now. This week I've really struggled not to go back to that.

Take care of your wounded hearts mamas


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

dfunk- I am right there with you. We have a 3 bedroom house as well with 4 living children so it is a tight squeeze, dh is disabled and can't work, etc. etc. etc., I still want another baby and am pretty sure dh can be persuaded but not knowing if or when is driving me nuts.

clm- I am sorry you are struggling so much, I go through bouts of feeling "ok", trudging through but "ok" and then it just hits me.

AFM- I started work on monday. It is going well but I am absolutely exhausted. Glad it only goes until the end of Dec.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
I was worried to go the the grief support group since I was "only" 17 wks and I didn't want to minimize the grief a woman with a full term still birth was dealing with.

Best of luck with your group. I refused to go to a support meeting until my 3rd loss. I did not feel as though I belonged There are no miscarriage specific groups in my state, only SANDS. I've been to a few, and found no judgment, only acceptance. I just found it very difficult that everyone else referred to their child by name, whereas mine are just "loss one", "loss two", etc. I never felt right about naming them.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

My group is tonight! I am really excited! Sucks that is what I have to be excited about but am glad I have something to look forward to







. I am just hoping to have a place to share about my son and hoping to meet some new people who "get it".


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
My group is tonight! I am really excited! Sucks that is what I have to be excited about but am glad I have something to look forward to







. I am just hoping to have a place to share about my son and hoping to meet some new people who "get it".

Maybe I should join one of these groups. I honestly am so unbelievably sick and tired of people thinking they are helpful when they are not.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

The group sounds like a great idea. We don't have any in my state so not an option but I think I'd prefer it to my counsellor who doesn't seem to have much of an understanding - pregnancy loss is just so different to any other kind of loss, and I know she has never even ttc let alone been pregnant or had children.

My blood test results came back, levels still haven't dropped, so I'll need another blood test next Monday and if they still haven't dropped then another scan. It's a month now since my miscarriage rollercoaster started.

I had a dream last night where DH and I had had another baby but I never got to hold him or even get close enough for a proper look, DH always held him because I couldn't be trusted to keep him safe. And he was the same size as my stillborn son was.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
My group is tonight! I am really excited! Sucks that is what I have to be excited about but am glad I have something to look forward to







. I am just hoping to have a place to share about my son and hoping to meet some new people who "get it".

How did your support group go Nicole? I hope you were able to meet some other folks who are capable of listening, empathizing and sympathizing with what you are going through.

AFM: I sure wish there was some sort of group in my area. I can't seem to find one though. Right now I'm so scared of another loss that I'm terrified that something is going to happen to my DS. I'm so scared that he'll stop breathing in his sleep and die or he'll fall and hit his head and end up paralyzed or something equally awful. These thoughts are consuming me even though I know it's totally irrational and the chances of anything happening are remote. I check for breathing like every 20 min or so whenever he naps and when he goes to sleep at night before I go to bed. I've been keeping him in my bed so I can be close by to check on him throughout the night too.

I feel horrible for even verbalizing these thoughts, but it's eating me alive right now. I can't tell DH what's going on in my head because he'll think I'm nuts and just dismiss my feelings. That's what he does when he can't deal with something.

Am I not finished dealing with my feelings of loss from my miscarriage? Or am I going crazy? Both?!? Arghhhh!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

erica,
I am a nut job right now as far as my other kids are concerened. I think it is normal. I have pretty regular dreams of my children dieing and I will wake up in the middle of the night and go check on all of them. It sucks but it is just the reality of things right now. It has already gotten a little better for me and I have faith that it will continue to get better.

AFM- my group went well. It was small (only 3 other people there). They were honoring a babies birthday (3 yrs ago she was born at 24 wks and died 11 days later). Turns out she is buried a few spaces down from Emeric. I was able to hear their stories and share mine as well. It was healing for me and I plan on going back. They have a special candle lighting meeting in Dec.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lokidoki* 

Any help from those of you who conceived after a m/c without waiting for AF to return one cycle?

I didn't conceive after a m/c without waiting for AF, but I will say that from what I know of fertility, your body can produce fertile cf while its gearing up to O, and then "change its mind". Stress can play a BIG part in that. So, you can have several periods of fertile CF before you actually O. In TCOYF there is a story in there around that, in my 2001 edition, anyway.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 

Also that was a reason at one point he was saying no more babies - because he was scared to see what another loss would do to me. I know though, that I just can't let my stillbirth be my last experience of labour and birth - when I think of childbirth now, all I see is my son's closed eyes, that never opened. And when I see newborns sleeping....to me they always look dead. _These thoughts seem horrible so I never say them out loud._

Just about everything in your post touched me. I think these same thoughts. I see people post pictures of their sleeping babies on Facebook, and my first thought is "Is that baby alive?" When I think of childbirth now, all I can see is Jack's open mouth, that was so dark inside and devoid of life. Morbid, but that's where I am. I just had to reply and tell you that my thought processes have been much along the same lines.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
AFM: I sure wish there was some sort of group in my area. I can't seem to find one though. Right now I'm so scared of another loss that I'm terrified that something is going to happen to my DS. I'm so scared that he'll stop breathing in his sleep and die or he'll fall and hit his head and end up paralyzed or something equally awful. These thoughts are consuming me even though I know it's totally irrational and the chances of anything happening are remote. I check for breathing like every 20 min or so whenever he naps and when he goes to sleep at night before I go to bed. I've been keeping him in my bed so I can be close by to check on him throughout the night too.

I feel horrible for even verbalizing these thoughts, but it's eating me alive right now. I can't tell DH what's going on in my head because he'll think I'm nuts and just dismiss my feelings. That's what he does when he can't deal with something.

Am I not finished dealing with my feelings of loss from my miscarriage? Or am I going crazy? Both?!? Arghhhh!

I have panic attacks sometimes as night, right as I start drifting off to sleep. It starts with feeling like there is a lead blanket draped across me, then my heart starts racing and I can't breathe. Its usually because I'm having these awful thoughts, too, worrying that for some reason my 3 year old has stopped breathing across the hall. I spend many nights sleeping with him in his bed lately. He disturbs DH's sleep too much, so I just go sleep in there. I'm probably setting him back big time on his sleeping on his own, but its the only thing that quells the panic. So, no, of course I don't think you are going crazy.







You are still grieving mama, and it doesn't ever really end, apparently. It just changes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

My dh is the same way - he dismisses anything he can "fix" as me just being crazy or irrational. That's why I come here; that's why I call my mama 500 times a day. (most) Men just can't handle what they can't immediately fix.

AFM - I think I've been doing a lot better this week, and I contribute most of it to AF having come back and straightened out a lot of my hormones. My dad and my husband have both decided I'm drinking too much, and really, I'm not. So, that's annoying. When we go out to eat, I'll have a couple drinks. Since I haven't had alcohol in so long because I was pregnant, my tolerance is low. When I drink, it lifts my mood. I don't show my butt, I don't say mean things, I mostly just lighten up a little. I don't know why they have such a problem with this. We have stopped keeping it in the house, which doesn't bother me at all. If he doesn't want me to drink, he shouldn't encourage me to order a drink with dinner.

Had a BAD moment today. I was taking out my trash, and across the street from me lives the daughter of a woman I used to work with. We worked together for a couple of years and hung out a few times. Her daughter, my neighbor, has a baby boy in July. So, the woman I worked with was getting out of her car when I was taking out my trash, and she hollers across the road, "Oh, I see you've had that baby!".

WHAT is one supposed to do in that situation? I hollered back across the road. "Yeah, I did. He died." And I walked back in the house. I'm still hiding in the house. I know I didn't handle that well, but I don't know what I should have done differently. I mean, we were hollering across the road for goodness sake. She was still standing there, frozen, with her mouth hanging open when I peeked out my window once I got back inside.

But, I didn't want to walk across the road and quietly explain everything, you know? What a disaster.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

oh laura, I am so sorry you had to deal with that neighbor. I think I would have handled it the same way. I find that I ocassionally just blurt it out not knowing if the person even knew I was pg bcs I wasn't huge yet (definately visibly pg) but if I hadn't seen someone in a while then they might not know. Maybe she will bring you some food or a bottle of wine. That would be nice







.

lokidoki- I have several experiences as far as conceiving after a m/c. My first m/c was at 12.5 wks and was physically traumatic. Af did not return for 3 months. I was charting and had a really short lf (8day). I had 1 af and then conceived. We lost that baby at 6 wks I chose not to chart bcs I was a nut case. We based it completely on mucus and conceived 3 wks past my m/c w/out af returning. That resulted in my healthy ds 3!

AFM- the group last night was good but it messed me up today. I think I have been stuffing my feelings a bit w/out realizing it. I am snapping at everyone and have had bouts of uncontrollable crying. I haven't been like this for a few weeks.
I had another massage today and she suggested I go to the chiro. My lower back is just so messed up. My cycle is so messed up right now.
Dh is going back and forth about wanting another child and it is really wearing on me.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

LJ - your understanding about babies looking dead means a lot - it seems so morbid, and hard when others are cooing over a picture when all I can think is 'omg, the baby looks dead.' I think I would have replied similarly to your neighbour - sometimes I almost want to say it abruptly, to hit back when what people say hurts me, or even to make them acknowledge how horrible what happened really was, instead of sugar coating it to make others feel better.

theboysmama - oh I hate when that happens, you think you've handled something really well, and then later all the emotion you had just squashed away somewhere to help you get through it at the time comes back to you. I hope you still go back though - I've heard people say it's better to experience the grief and move through it, than try and avoid it, because it will still be waiting for you.

egmaranian - I think the fear comes because the little bubble of innocence, of feeling invincible, or that these kind of horrible things always happen to 'other' people has been burst. We know the reality - these things can and do happen to us too. I've been so sure I would lose everyone dear to me. My Grandma died a month after my loss, my dog got out and we couldn't find him and I was so sure he was dead (he made his own way home eventually). If my husband was late home without letting me know he would be, I'd be hysterical. For a couple of weeks I wouldn't let my children go up and down our staircase for fear they'd fall. I watch them now so much more. When they play, or are just focused looking at books or drawing, I just sit and watch them. It's like I'm trying to take in every detail, every expression, every moment in case it's the last.

I keep having dreams about babies in all different scenarios, but the common them is no one wants me near them, in case they die, because that's what I do to babies - because I can't be trusted to keep them safe, because I let two of mine die inside me, where they were supposed to be safest. I understand these dreams are about dealing with the guilt, I'm just not sure why they are coming up so much now.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
LJ - I think the fear comes because the little bubble of innocence, of feeling invincible, or that these kind of horrible things always happen to 'other' people has been burst. We know the reality - these things can and do happen to us too.

CLM-I think you are right on with this statement. I was just talking with DH in the car earlier today (the first conversation we've had about our m/c in weeks) and I told him that I think one of the reasons this was so hard for me to handle is that it just seemed to come out of nowhere. We had infertility issues trying to conceive DS, but once I was pg, everything was textbook perfect! When I got pg the second time, we thought "how could anything go wrong when we didn't have ANY issues the first time?" How wrong we were. I admit, I spent hours educating myself and DH about pregnancy and natural childbirth, but never gave m/c a second thought. I didn't even know the statistics about m/c rates. Now I know.

It doesn't make it any easier to think about the fact that I had a baby growing inside me and that baby died. But now I will enter my next pregnancy with the intellectual tools I need to prepare myself for another potential loss. I'm reading "Coming to Term" right now and it's half scaring the crap out of me as I approach "advanced maternal age", but also half reassuring me that it's not necessarily that I'm broken in some way. The odds are just against me as I age and my eggs age.

Please don't get me wrong, if I have another loss I will likely be just as devastated as, if not more than, this loss. The thought of another baby dying is what is fueling my fear of my DS dying or getting hurt. It's agonizing! I just hope that now I can go into my next pregnancy without those damn rose colored glasses I've had on all these years and prepare myself for the possibility of another loss.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
I see people post pictures of their sleeping babies on Facebook, and my first thought is "Is that baby alive?" When I think of childbirth now, all I can see is Jack's open mouth, that was so dark inside and devoid of life. Morbid, but that's where I am. I just had to reply and tell you that my thought processes have been much along the same lines.

Laura-I know exactly what you mean! I look back at pictures of my newborn DS when he was sleeping with his hands folded across his chest and it freaks me out sometimes because it looks so much like a funeral pose. I can't even look at those pictures these days because of this horrible anxiety I've been having over keeping him alive and safe. It may be morbid, but I guess it also must be normal because we're all having these thought and fears.

I'm so sorry about that encounter with your neighbor's mom. How horrible that must have been. Hugs to you.

Nicole-It sounds like your group will be a good source for dealing with your emotions. Keep taking care of yourself. The pampering will do your soul some good.

AFM-I thought I was ready to TTC again with this cycle (currently on CD 8), but now I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to waste any time and I truly want to be pg again (still







), but I keep thinking I should take a couple of months and try to lose a little weight and get healthy again. I've really let myself go the past few weeks, in addition to the 7-8 lbs I gained when I was pg. I was dieting before I got pg and had lost about 18 lbs. Now I'm almost back to where I was when I started. Pathetic. Plus I've been having a glass or two of wine almost every night lately and that's not helping things at all. I've started running again and I want to try and do a half marathon next month. I think I need to get back on a healthy road for a couple of months leading up to TTC so I can get some good habits back in place for when I'm pg again. Hopefully that will help the next one "stick"!

I guess we'll be not trying, but not avoiding for a couple of cycles.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

My DH is driving me nuts!!! It is 2:30am my time and I am still up. We have been arguing for hours. I know he jsut doesn't know what he wants afa ttc but it is not fair for him to say ok, lets do it a few days ago and then I am going to get a vacectomy bcs I can't handle this today. It breaks my heart bcs not only am I grieving the loss of my son but the chance at having more children (which I so desperately want). I am so very sad right now and sooooo angry at him. I just don't know what to do. I know we can make it through this I just don't know if I can make it through this happy.
I love the children that I have (obviously) and am not trying to replace Emeric. I just feel there is someone missing from our family. All the kids pray every night for a new baby. I just don't know what to do.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Oh Nicole, I am so sorry about your rough night with DH. I'm so sorry he keeps changing his mind, and saying such scary things as a Vasectomy. I am continually hoping for you that he comes around and decides with certainty that he wants another. I wish I had advice to give, but as with a lot of things these days, I'm just at a loss. You sound like such a great mama and wife, and it sounds like you and your DH have a strong relationship, I am very optimistic for you that this is just his way of handling his grief and he will eventually come around. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Erica - your thoughts on TTC are mirroring mine a lot. I want to just hurry up and "get it over with" so to speak and get pregnant again. But, I feel like crap all the time. I'm having a couple of drinks with dinner 2-3 nights a week, and I've even been smoking again, something I haven't done in years. I know I will just put it all down if I am in the TWW, but I feel like for my body's sake I need to get healthy first. I just don't know if I'm there yet. I haven't lost any pregnancy weight, and I'm having major back problems, I assume from carrying around so much extra weight on my middle. My next pregnancy is going to be hard enough with having it so medicalized, I don't want to make it any worse by starting out unhealthy.

Awesome that you are planning to run a half marathon! Please keep us posted on that; it sounds quite inspiring.

AFM - I started reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination last night. I'm about half way through with it. I just sat in the bath tub and sobbed and laughed hysterically, all at the same time, it seemed. I recommend it, its a good book. Elizabeth McCracken is able to put eloquently into words a lot of the things I've been feeling in the past weeks. I'm underlining passages with pencil as I go, and I plan to have my mom read it before I pass it on.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Nicole-I'm so sorry your hubby is being wishy washy. I know exactly what you mean about someone being missing from your family. I would be heartbroken if my DH said he didn't want any more children. As it is, I want three and he only wants two. I've got him to the point where we will reassess after #2 comes along. Maybe your DH needs some time to deal with his emotions over your losses. Would he be willing to go to your support group or talk to a counselor?

Laura-I looked at the book profile on Amazon and it seems really amazing. I'm not sure if I can read anything about babies dying in the state of mind that I'm in right now, but I'm definitely putting it on my "must read" list for later. Please let me know how you feel about it when you're done.

AFM-Had kind of a rough day today. My paper issue of the current Mothering mag arrived yesterday and I read an article that I hadn't read on the digital copy about the connection between breastfeeding and postpartum depression. For some reason I really connected to the message and it made be bawl like a baby! It it possible to have PPD when DC is 16mo? Or could I be experiencing mild PPD from the hormones left over from my m/c in Aug?

Then, I'm only on CD9 and I typically O around CD18, but for some reason my CM is egg-******. Definitely shouldn't be for a few more days. I'm pretty new to charting and everything so I don't really know what this could mean. I'm still on the fence about TTC this cycle. I'm not ready to make a decision and I thought I had another week to get it figured out, but I guess I need to decide SOON, or else miss the boat this cycle.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

theboysmama - I'm so sorry about your DH - I know soon after our first loss when my husband suggested not having any more children I was just devestated..it was like another thing to grieve. I hope he comes to understand how these swings are affecting you - and if it's his way of grieving that he finds a way to talk about it with you that isn't hurtful.

I'm with everyone on the weight issue - I had lost 12kg before concieving Anil. I always put on a bit first trimester but then not too much afterwards, so it all evens out and after the baby I'm close to start weight. With one pregnancy till 23 weeks and another first trimester back to back with that loss I'm way above where I'd like to start out weight wise. What if I delay to lose the weight though and then have another loss? And then have to lose it all over again? Continually losing, gaining through pregnancy, and having to lose again is just wearing me down. I think now I'd just rather focus on a successful pregnancy and worry about the weight afterwards. Then again if I keep having miscarriages, and gaining about 3-4kgs each time, without losing in between, that's a recipe for disaster too! None of us should even have to think about any of this - we should just have our babies healthy in our arms, it's just simply not meant to be this way.

egmaranian - I'm sorry I'm not sure about PPD, though it is possible your mood is effected by your loss and the rampant hormones afterwards.

LJ - Going to look up that book now

Back at work today after the school holidays - another mother of one of my students had her baby in the holidays. One more is due in a couple of weeks I think. I'm going through a bit of a "why me!?" stage.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
My DH is driving me nuts!!! It is 2:30am my time and I am still up. We have been arguing for hours. I know he jsut doesn't know what he wants afa ttc but it is not fair for him to say ok, lets do it a few days ago and then I am going to get a vacectomy bcs I can't handle this today. It breaks my heart bcs not only am I grieving the loss of my son but the chance at having more children (which I so desperately want).

That must be hard, but remember it's tough for him too.
I found that although I know DP wants children, he is so worried about what another loss will do to me. He knows that I've been to hell and back. We both have.
And most men are "fixers". They like to be in control of things. And DP's primal instinct is to protect me. Maybe this is what's going through your DH's head too?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
AFM-Had kind of a rough day today. My paper issue of the current Mothering mag arrived yesterday and I read an article that I hadn't read on the digital copy about the connection between breastfeeding and postpartum depression. For some reason I really connected to the message and it made be bawl like a baby! It it possible to have PPD when DC is 16mo? Or could I be experiencing mild PPD from the hormones left over from my m/c in Aug?

One thing I know is that grief and depression can be very similar. Very similar.
Also, the hormone changes with miscarriage can be pretty much like a rollercoaster ride. I had a really tough time trying to figure out if what I was feeling was "normal" grief, or if it was something more. I mean, would _anyone_ who's been through three losses in 10 months, plus had a very ill mother end up feeling the way I felt? At the end of the day, my doctors call it depression. They say it's a "reactive" depression to the circumstances of the past 18 months. You can check out this site for info on PND beyondblue

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
Back at work today after the school holidays - another mother of one of my students had her baby in the holidays. One more is due in a couple of weeks I think. I'm going through a bit of a "why me!?" stage.

We all have "why me" days.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Having a terrible couple of days. I'm ovulating and Dh won't touch me. But, that's nothing new. He never touches me. I didn't really want to try this cycle, but I'm still really emotional about it. I am SO DAMNED ANGRY at him, all the time, lately. He won't hug me, kiss me, talk to me. He just works and sleeps. And makes me out to be the bad guy when I say something (always politely) about it. He thinks I should just be greatful he gets up and goes to work every day and is such a great provider. That is NOT why I am in this relationship. I've never had any problems taking care of myself - did it for many years. Almost 3 years of that as a single mom with no help. Its companionship I want. And I feel so, so alone right now. Most of the days since our son has died I have thought that we would make it, but lately, I just don't know. I don't want to live like this. He's really a great guy, and I love him, but I'm MAD right now.

Sometimes my anguish (don't know any other way to put is more strongly) is so overwhelming I wish I would just die. I just want out of this misery. Please don't flag this post; I'm not suicidal. I wouldn't be posting this if I were. I just get that feeling sometimes that is so strong that its scary, that I wish I just weren't here anymore. It always passes quickly, as soon as I remember Henry. But, its scary and puts me in a depressive mood for days.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Laura- I sooooooo get it! i am oing right now too and that just started a big fight for us as well. Not that it is anything new for us to be arguing, it is pretty constant right now. He just grieves so differently than me. I purchased a christmas tree ornament and a stand for emeric and dh said why do you have to keep spending money on a dead baby. We have live kids that we can't take care of. Which isn't true, money is tight but they have everything they need and a lot of what they want. We are arguing constantly and there are days that I just don't want to be here. It is not like I want to die but I really just don't want to deal with all of this grief, it is sooooo overpowering. You are not alone and I can't imagine anyone flagging your post so don't worry about that. I am sorry that you are suffering right now, I am sorry that we all are. This bites!!

AFM- I had a really hard day today. I ordered the ornament for emeric yesterday and that kind of bugged me I think. Then this morning I sent an e-mail to the funeral home where I am hoping to purchase emerics grave memorial and I contacted nilmdts about digitially enchancing the photos that we took. These just are not things that I should be doing right now.








I started a new job as a nanny last week and it is just a temporary job until the end of the year. It is going well but today the housecleaner brought her daughter and her daughter brought her 2 month old baby. She was born the day before emeric. She was sleeping in her bucket seat and I had to really watch her chest bcs I swore she was dead, she just looked gone. It really freaked me out. then she started that newborn cry and it really got me, I was already having a hard day.
I also feel like I have used up all of my irl support and don't have anyone to talk to about how I am feeling. I am feeling very alone right now, this is a very lonely place.
I am really glad we have this thread where I feel like I am understood and not alone. I love you ladies.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Nicole-You are well within your right as a mother to buy a xmas ornament for Emeric. He is your son! I'm so sorry that your DH doesn't get that. My DH wouldn't either if I were in your shoes and did the same thing.

Also, I'm right there with you as far as having played all my grief cards irl. My friends and family were done listening to me weeks ago. My DH would be totally shocked if he knew how much I am still grieving for our lost little one. I mentioned to him yesterday that I would have been 24 weeks pg this week and he just gave me a crazy look and said "oh". He didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was thinking about it because I was feeling a little sad. At least he in on board with TTC again right away. I would be in so much more misery if I had to fight that battle on top of all my other emotions.

Laura-I totally get what you are saying about just wanting to be gone sometimes. If I didn't have my sweet DS to keep me grounded, I'm sure I would feel the same. Whenever I get into one of my panicky moods about something happening to DS, I feel like I would just want to die if he weren't with me anymore.

Be as mad as you need to be about your DH's behavior. It sounds like he might be grieving in a different way than you, but it's just horrible that he won't even give you basic companionship, let alone the support you deserve. I'm so sorry your are going through that. Please be strong and stay on top of your feelings of wanting to die. Don't let it get out of hand before talking to a counselor or someone professional.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

having a hard day today







No particular reason at all, just miss my son. Not knowing if we will be ttc is killing me








I feel so alone irl. It seems like I am the only one that knows this pain (although I know that isn't true). I feel like I don't have any friends right now and the few that I do have I have worn out and don't really want to talk about emeric. Dh doesn't want to talk about it either. I just feel alone.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
having a hard day today







No particular reason at all, just miss my son. Not knowing if we will be ttc is killing me








I feel so alone irl. It seems like I am the only one that knows this pain (although I know that isn't true). I feel like I don't have any friends right now and the few that I do have I have worn out and don't really want to talk about emeric. Dh doesn't want to talk about it either. I just feel alone.

(((Hugs)))


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole - I am so sorry you are at such a bad place right now. I was there just a couple of days ago myself. The grief and immense sadness is always there, but sometimes it seems to just swallow me up whole and I feel so desperate. I am so sorry you feel that you have worn out all of the people to talk to IRL. I'm going to pm you my phone number.

AFM - I seem to be at a good place today. Well, a good place, considering. Its so different now than it was before. I got my second head to toe adjustment with a chiropractor that I LOVE today, and I dyed my hair yesterday and cut it and had my eyebrows done today. I am tired of feeling fat and ugly, so I did something about it. I still feel fat, but a lot less ugly. And my chiro is amazing - he knows my whole story, both the birth stories of my sons, and he and I really click. In my very anti-natural-anything state its so nice to find someone who thinks along the same lines I do. I was explaining to him today that I was going to have to have a very medicalized pregnancy next time and I wanted to do anything I could to avoid a medical induction. He told me that he would induce me one or two days before my scheduled induction day (because realistically, I know that no doc here will ever let me go to term) using acupuncture. I'm just so glad to have an ally. He also told me that if I don't get pg again in a few months to come in and he would help me out in that area, too. It just feels so good to have someone on my side, who is able to help in practical ways.

DH and I also had a really good night Wednesday, thanks to my parents keeping Henry and us going out to our favorite pub and drinking enough to be able to really talk to each other. He opened up a little about how much Jack's death is really affecting him, and how he regrets that he didn't take time off work to grieve. He apologized for not wanting to touch me during O this month - he's just terrified that this is going to happen again. I understand that; I am terrified, too. And there is nothing I can say to reassure him, its just something he has to come to peace with on his own, I guess.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Laura- I am soooo glad you and your dh had a chance to talk. It feels good to know what is going on w/ our partners. I will be out of town this weekend but will call you when I return if I am able. I am working now and am really not available much, that is part of why I am feeling so isolate.

AFM- I feel better today. I actually had several experiences that remind me that I am NOT alone, I do have friends, and even people I don't really know care about me.
My bff called and we got to chat a while. We are both so busy we don't talk as much as I need right now but that is ok, she confirmed how much she cares about me and let me talk about Emeric for a while, it really helped. Then I was picking up my oldest from school and one of the moms (I don't even know her name) approached me. She had approached me about a month after we lost Emeric and let me know how sorry she was, etc. She asked how I was doing and actually did the pause where she was really waiting to hear the real answer, it was nice. Then she gave me a $45 gift card to our favorite pizza restaurant (where we have seen her family several times) and told me she had been carrying it for several wks but hadn't seen me. She wanted to give it to us since she hadn't brought food. It made me feel really good bcs I figure that if she is thinking about me/us/emeric all the time (and she said that she was) then there are probably a lot of people that I don't know about that are thinking about us and know the pain I am going through.
Then I got home and a friend I met online had decorated a pumpkin for Emeric and taken a lot of pics and posted it. They were very meaningful.
This grieving process is so bizarre, one minuite I just want to not be here anymore and the next minuite I see a light at the end of the tunne.
Dh and I are going out of town this weekend and I think it will be really good for us to have some time to talk, unfortunately I think I am oing so that might complicate things since my fertility and how to prevent that is a real struggle right now. Wish us luck.

I hope everyone is hanging in there.
Don't forget to light a candle tomorrow (Friday Oct. 15th) for pregnancy and infant loss awareness at 7pm in your time zone and leave it lit for at least 1 hr to have a constant wave of light around the world for 24hrs.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
This grieving process is so bizarre, one minuite I just want to not be here anymore and the next minuite I see a light at the end of the tunne.

This is so true for me, too. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling more up today. And don't feel pressured to call, just know you can anytime you want.

I hope y'all have a great time this weekend going out of town; good luck with the O'ing thing. I, personally, would be so tempted to keep that info to myself, but I know that's not the adult, healthy-relationship thing to do. Just saying, I would be tempted.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

yes it is tempting but we use NFP. Dh has had the nfp classes with me and has full access to my charts. He reviews them regularly. Plus when I am oing it is a bit um slippery so pretty obvious








Also, I do want to stay married so he needs to make his own decisions and not feel tricked.
I will call you when I get a chance, I am a phone person.

Hope everyone else is doing well.


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

So where is everyone? I know Nicole is out of town; what is everyone else up to this weekend? How did y'all handle yesterday? Did anyone participate in a walk in their community?


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
So where is everyone? I know Nicole is out of town; what is everyone else up to this weekend? How did y'all handle yesterday? Did anyone participate in a walk in their community?

I had an "ok" weekend. The Angel Babies group in my town held a Walk to Remember in a large, local park and I actually convinced DH to participate with me. It was very nice and I think it really helped me begin my healing process. When they released the doves I cried and cried and then felt such a weight lift off of me when it was done. I know I'm not done grieving for my baby, probably never will be, but I feel much more ready to move on with life and building my family. I've been very on the fence about TTC and that's gone now. I'm ready (and O'ing now!)

Also, I found out that there is a support group available to me if I want to join. I'm waiting for the director to let me know when the next group will be starting and then I'll give it a try.

I hope everyone was able to find some peace on the 15th. I wasn't able to light a candle at 7pm, because I was out of the house. But I thought of my "little bubba" all day.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

I just came from my 8-week u/s. Other women left the office proudly carrying little u/s pictures, but the doctor quietly took my pictures, folded them up and tucked them away. She found no heartbeat, only a fetal pole and an enlarged yolk sac.

It has been four years to the exact day since my first miscarriage. What was I thinking, scheduling an ultrasound for this date?

It's easier the second time, but I am still shocked and grieving. I haven't had any cramping or spotting. I'm terrified of having a D&C, yet I can't bear the thought of carrying around a shriveled empty sac that should contain a wriggly baby.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
Sometimes my anguish (don't know any other way to put is more strongly) is so overwhelming I wish I would just die. I just want out of this misery. Please don't flag this post; I'm not suicidal. I wouldn't be posting this if I were. I just get that feeling sometimes that is so strong that its scary, that I wish I just weren't here anymore. It always passes quickly, as soon as I remember Henry. But, its scary and puts me in a depressive mood for days.

This is me right now so I completely understand. I feel like I hit rock-bottom when October hit and everyone expected me to be over this. I should have had my baby boy in October instead of burying him in July. DH and I are the only ones who seem to remember that!

I have to say that I am fed up with our healthcare system here. I have tried to get help but there are waiting lists for everything (counselling, psychiatrists, etc.). So, I went to my family doctor and all he wants is for me to stop focusing on TTC and go back on anti-depressants. I had a complete and utter meltdown with my entire family and everyone has virtually ignored me since then. At the time they were all "pep-talky" and then nothing. No phone calls. Nothing. WTF is wrong with people anyway?


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L J* 
He opened up a little about how much Jack's death is really affecting him, and how he regrets that he didn't take time off work to grieve. He apologized for not wanting to touch me during O this month - he's just terrified that this is going to happen again. I understand that; I am terrified, too. And there is nothing I can say to reassure him, its just something he has to come to peace with on his own, I guess.

I figured this was the case. Men grieve VERY differently than women and it is really hard to co-exist during that time for me. My DH has been great most of the time but every now and then it is like he wants me to just forget about all of this kwim? It is hurtful and he thinks he is trying to be positive. I'm really glad you and your DH had a good night of talking LJ!


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
I just came from my 8-week u/s. Other women left the office proudly carrying little u/s pictures, but the doctor quietly took my pictures, folded them up and tucked them away. She found no heartbeat, only a fetal pole and an enlarged yolk sac.

*mom-to-jj:* I am so sorry for your loss, mama.







(((Hugs)))

I had the same situation happen when I m/c'd in August. I went in for my first u/s at a couple days shy of 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat. It was determined that my babe had stopped developing at 9 weeks and my body never showed any signs of m/c'ing at all. Doc folded up the u/s pics and put them away in the exact same manner as you described. I ended up having a D&C at 14 weeks because my OB and I decided that it was unlikely that I would m/c naturally after 5 weeks past the baby's death. I didn't want to do it at all, but it was very helpful for my healing process. I felt much better after the surgery. I still grieve for my baby all the time, but there was a definite turning point in my misery after the surgery. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

*AFM:* I've had a crappy day. I went to my OB/GYN today for my annual exam and pap and the nurse practitioner who assists my OB is such a nitwit! She could see on my chart that I JUST lost my baby. AND we discussed it right when she walked in the room. THEN, when I laid down on the exam table for her to begin the exam, she feels my belly and says "Oh, I'm sure we'll be able to hear the baby's heartbeat today". WTF?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? I just looked at her (with a crazy look on my face, I'm sure) and then she remembered that I'm not pregnant and she's only doing a damn pap smear. IDIOT! If this had happened a month ago I would have lost it.

To top it off, I found out that my grandma is dying (she's been sick for awhile, but it's escalating) and that I'm going to have to go back to work full time before the end of the year. I've been working part-time and from home since DS was born 16 months ago. My boss decided out of the blue that she needs me back full-time right away.

I really want to curl up and go to sleep right now.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
*mom-to-jj:* I am so sorry for your loss, mama.







(((Hugs)))

I had the same situation happen when I m/c'd in August. I went in for my first u/s at a couple days shy of 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat. It was determined that my babe had stopped developing at 9 weeks and my body never showed any signs of m/c'ing at all. Doc folded up the u/s pics and put them away in the exact same manner as you described. I ended up having a D&C at 14 weeks because my OB and I decided that it was unlikely that I would m/c naturally after 5 weeks past the baby's death. I didn't want to do it at all, but it was very helpful for my healing process. I felt much better after the surgery. I still grieve for my baby all the time, but there was a definite turning point in my misery after the surgery. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Thank you so much! It is really helpful to hear from others who had the same experience. I do not feel at all that my body will give up this baby naturally, but everything in me shrinks from a D&C. It sounds so horrifying, yet there is no closure for me at all now. Just hearing that the D&C was a turning point for you gives me some hope.

I hope your tomorrow is better than your today, BTW. My nurse actually suggested that perhaps the fact that I'm still nursing my not-quite-1-year-old daughter was the reason for my loss. Don't they TRAIN these people?!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Quote:

My nurse actually suggested that perhaps the fact that I'm still nursing my not-quite-1-year-old daughter was the reason for my loss. Don't they TRAIN these people?!
Holy crap!?!?! Your Fin kidding me. Wow just Wow. I will assure you that is not the case. I have had 3 losses while nursing toddlers but have also had 3 healthy little ones while nursing toddlers. There is no corolation between nursing and the losses. That is totally ridiculous!!!

Mom to JJ- so sorry you are going through this. I took comfort in knowing that my body was working, even though the baby wasn't ready to be here my body held onto the pg, grew the placenta, etc. My first m/c I didn't find out until I was bleeding so I m/c on my own but it had been 5 wks since the baby died. My 3rd loss was discovered via u/s and the baby had been dead about 3/4 wks. Since it was a 2nd tri loss my dr said that there was very little chance of me going into labor on my own. They induced w/ misoprostol and I had him at home. That might be an option for you, not sure. I have had 3 losses and avoided the d&c an d&e so far.

Quote:

I just came from my 8-week u/s. Other women left the office proudly carrying little u/s pictures, but the doctor quietly took my pictures, folded them up and tucked them away. She found no heartbeat, only a fetal pole and an enlarged yolk sac.
Why do they fold the pics and take them away? I have never had that experience. I have all of my pics even of my dead babies. It seems so weird that they would hide it like that.

egmaranian -

Quote:

THEN, when I laid down on the exam table for her to begin the exam, she feels my belly and says "Oh, I'm sure we'll be able to hear the baby's heartbeat today". WTF?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? I just looked at her (with a crazy look on my face, I'm sure) and then she remembered that I'm not pregnant and she's only doing a damn pap smear. IDIOT! If this had happened a month ago I would have lost it.
OMG how terribly stupid and insensitive. I am soooo sorry that happened. Sounds like the walk went well. Good luck on the support group.

Quote:

I found out that my grandma is dying (she's been sick for awhile, but it's escalating) and that I'm going to have to go back to work full time before the end of the year. I've been working part-time and from home since DS was born 16 months ago. My boss decided out of the blue that she needs me back full-time right away.
iam so sorry about your grandma. That sucks about work. I am working full time right now and being away from my kids that much is really hard.

Paeta- so sorry you are having a hard time. The healthcare system is pretty messed up.

AFM- We got back late sunday night from our trip. It was an awesome relaxing romantic weekend. We were in Las Vegas and it was a blast. We don't get a lot of time to talk, grieve, etc. w/out being interupted. Dh deceided on thurs (we left fri.) that he is ok if we get pg. Changed his mind by sunday so he is still being really wishy washy but it might be a little late for him to change his mind







We will just have to see if my body is working. We were able to have several very serious conversations w/out yelling at eachother.
I got Emerics ornament in the mail yesterday and I really like it. Dh does not grieve the same way I do and wonders why I would waste money on something for a dead kid







But he didn't say it was wrong he just doesn't understand it.
So for the most part I am hanging in there.
Hope all of you ladies are trucking along.
I love this group of women







It is a lifesaver for me right now.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Going nuts over here with the TWW. I tested yesterday afternoon with a FRPT and it was a BFN. I told myself that it was because I took it in the afternoon so I wanted to take with first urine this morning and got another BFN. I am well aware that it is possibly just too early (YES) as I am only (at most) 12 DPO but could be just 10 DPO. I have now PROMISED myself I am not POAS again until I have missed a few days.

DH is driving me nuts too because he wants to know ~ and I do understand. But it doesn't help that he is always asking me...is it too early to test. We are *nuts*!

Thinking of you ladies. So glad to know I am not alone out there with all of this. I do know that if I do not get a BFP this round there is always next month but I do believe I can feel my biological clock beating me upside the head every day that passes!


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
My nurse actually suggested that perhaps the fact that I'm still nursing my not-quite-1-year-old daughter was the reason for my loss. Don't they TRAIN these people?!


The number of insensitive and ignorant healthcare workers out there continues to astound me! I'm very sorry for your loss and also very sorry that you had to deal with that nurse.









Egmaranian, apply the above statement to you as well. I'm so sorry you had that experience today. I made my DH call the OB's office b/f I went for my follow-up to ensure that my chart was read ahead of time. I am tired of re-explaining my stillbirth to numerous doctors. Clearly, reading the chart did not help in your situation. I hope your doctor felt like a complete ass!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

hope everyone is doing ok. Just trucking along here.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

I about to come unglued with POAS-itis. AF is due Friday/Saturday. My boobs are hurting which could be due to either arrival of AF or pregnancy symptom. A friend called yesterday morning to say he had a dream that I was pregnant ~ he went on to describe an exchange he had in a dream that was extremely vivid with a woman that he described to look like my deceased grandmother (whom we intend to name a girl after if we have one) where she told him we were pregnant. STRANGE! It got my hopes up which I HATE because I am already on pins and needles.

Just ready to see what tomorrow and Saturday brings...probably a visit from AF. Hoping everyone else is doing well and hanging in there!


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lokidoki* 
I about to come unglued with POAS-itis. AF is due Friday/Saturday. My boobs are hurting which could be due to either arrival of AF or pregnancy symptom. A friend called yesterday morning to say he had a dream that I was pregnant ~ he went on to describe an exchange he had in a dream that was extremely vivid with a woman that he described to look like my deceased grandmother (whom we intend to name a girl after if we have one) where she told him we were pregnant. STRANGE! It got my hopes up which I HATE because I am already on pins and needles.

Just ready to see what tomorrow and Saturday brings...probably a visit from AF. Hoping everyone else is doing well and hanging in there!

Aw, good luck! I hope you get your BFP.







I HATE the TWW, too, although right now I would give my left arm to be there already. I am still waiting to miscarry. My hCG on Monday was 41,211 and Wednesday was 46,723. Depressing. I feel like a walking coffin, and it's horrifying.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Good Luck Loki! I test next week myself but I am not expecting much.

As is the usual this month, I am not doing well at all. I couldn't even tell you how I am making it from day to day. I am sleeping a lot and doing some daily things. All the doctor wants to do is put me back on an antidepressant. I am not willing to go on - the "one that works for me" b/c IMO it is not safe while pregnant and I refuse to stop TTC right now even though it is emotionally draining.

The worst thing about today was that my DD (3 y.o.) kept telling me to be happy and if I would cry (randomly throughout the day) she would tell me emphatically not to cry or ask me why I was crying.

My due date is next week and I just want to pass it. I know it won't change things enormously but I just want it over with you know?!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

paeta- what are you going to do (if anything for the due date?). Emerics isn't until jan. but I have been thinking about what to do.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
paeta- what are you going to do (if anything for the due date?). Emerics isn't until jan. but I have been thinking about what to do.

I really don't know. All I really want to do is stay in bed all day to be honest. I just don't know that I am even going to be able to make it through that day at this point since just thinking about it has me bawling....again.









Any ideas out there?


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Oh mamas...I am hurting for you both. I am not sure what I would do in the same position but what about honoring the memory of your child by donating a book (or books) in their memory to an orphanage or battered woman's shelter that houses children too on that particular day?

I wish I had more ideas and truth be told I am not sure what I would be doing in your positions besides crying my eyes out too ~ know that I am sending you both virtual hugs!

AFM - boobs are killing me and I would swear they are bigger and I feel I could nurse a nation with them ~ but I am afraid I am imagining things and that AF will be here tomorrow or Saturday. I told DH that if I had to guess I would say "yes" I am pregnant but that I am so freakin' gun shy now about saying that and being let down that I do not want to even think positively (which is not in my nature). My boobs are huge and sore ~ or is it that they are really not all that big but I want them to be, ykwim?

Sending hugs to those that are hurting...wish I could take it away! So painful and unfortunately I think the only thing that can buffer the pain is time. My DS said to me today (out of the blue) we need to buy toys for our new baby. I asked him ~ what new baby? He said ~ the one we will have when the day is right Mom! [So matter-of-fact]. What is wild is that he never knew we miscarried or that we were even pregnant (no one really knew) so it stunned me when he said it. He went on to tell me that he knew we would have a baby but it had to be when it was the right day


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

paeta- I purchased an E cookie cutter and a dragonfly cookie cutter and I think the kids and I will make cookies (if not on the date the weekend before). Then on the date I think we will go to the grave, decorate it w/ something from the $tree. I was debating inviting people to join us or show up bcs it would feel really good to have support but then I was concerned that no one would come and then it would feel even worse.

When I hit the edd after my first loss I was only about 4 wks from my 2nd loss. IT SUCKED. My bff took me to get my nails done and we went out to sushi. It really helped me but I am thinking w/ Emeric I need to make sure to do something to involve the kids too.

lokidoki- The 2ww is soooooo hard but I think it is great that you get that opportunity. ttc was very healing for me after my first 2 losses.
As far as I know I still have my fertility (I know many women that don't after a loss) but dh is really wavering back and forth. There is a chance we could be pg bcs while I was o he said "lets have a baby" then 2 days later "no, I don't want another baby".... honey, that's not how it works







. But this process has been so different bcs I can't just throw all of my energy into ttc and I just don't know what our future (as far as babies go) will look like.
Just another way to look at the excruciating 2ww as kind of a blessing.


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

theboysmama, when are you testing? I see that FF moved your O date but I think that CD32 is correct.

AFM, my due date would have been in March. That weekend is a non-kid weekend for us so I think I'm going to talk to DH about going out of town for the weekend. There's a really nice hotel about 2 hours from here that has great rates in the wintertime and it would be nice to just go there and relax with DH for the weekend and remember our sweet little one.

Has anyone gotten the book "Something Happened" for their kids to read about miscarriage? I'm wondering if older kids can relate to it as well.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
lokidoki- The 2ww is soooooo hard but I think it is great that you get that opportunity. ttc was very healing for me after my first 2 losses.
As far as I know I still have my fertility (I know many women that don't after a loss) but dh is really wavering back and forth. There is a chance we could be pg bcs while I was o he said "lets have a baby" then 2 days later "no, I don't want another baby".... honey, that's not how it works







. But this process has been so different bcs I can't just throw all of my energy into ttc and I just don't know what our future (as far as babies go) will look like.
Just another way to look at the excruciating 2ww as kind of a blessing.

I definitely look at it as such a blessing ~ I have a very close friend who has been TTC for 4 years and has yet to even conceive much less miscarry...and I think at this point she would like to just miscarry to know she can conceive. So I absolutely keep myself in check knowing that there are so many who would put themselves in my shoes right now even knowing (if I do not get a BFP) that they have next month to try again...I am very thankful for what I have indeed and even if I never have another child (hope I do but if I don't) I am so thankful for my wonderful DS who keeps the world in wonderful perspective for me too...as I know there are so many here that would give anything just to be able to have one child much less be wanting a second.

Doesn't really make the agony of the TWW any less but it does put things into perspective...just like after my m/c I came here and read some of the really heartbreaking stories. I am very thankful for the chance to at least be able to try and know there is a chance of a future child. I am also thankful that my DH is on board (no matter how much he doesn't "get" things at times...like how I "know" when I am ovulating or when our window of opportunity is shut) ~ and sometimes a little too much on board. Here is to hoping that open window of opportunity was caught when your DH was in the mood!

AFM today ~ That TTC and the TWW is enough to wear a person out...too much stress and anxiety at every turn. Still no AF yet...she is due either today or tomorrow. I have PROMISED myself no testing until Sunday and so far I have managed to keep my hot little hands off the stick. Got sick to my stomach this morning before breakfast which is somewhat abnormal for me. I usually am not a big breakfast eater. With my pregnancy with DS I did not have a lot of symptoms until right at the end of the TWW ~ that was exactly when the boobs started to grow/hurt and about a week later was when I started throwing up! Funny how I have been going nuts these last 2 weeks and now that the actual POAS time is growing closer ~ I am getting scared!

So Sunday is the big day and thankfully the next 2 days are fairly busy so that will fill my time to keep me away from the bathroom cabinet.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lokidoki* 
Got sick to my stomach this morning before breakfast which is somewhat abnormal for me. I usually am not a big breakfast eater. With my pregnancy with DS I did not have a lot of symptoms until right at the end of the TWW ~ that was exactly when the boobs started to grow/hurt and about a week later was when I started throwing up! Funny how I have been going nuts these last 2 weeks and now that the actual POAS time is growing closer ~ I am getting scared!









Sounds exciting!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

annie-glad you think I moved the lines to the right place. FF sucks! I don't know when I will test, not before the 30th as I have never got a bfp before 13 days. Dh is not really into this and would prefer not knowing until the birth. my lp is usally 8-10days so I might just not test like ever







I have had pg after a loss before and am not that pumped about going there again.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

dh has a dr appt. on wed with our family practice dr for a lot of issues (he has arthritis, md, sleep apnea, etc.) He announced to me this afternoon that he is going to inquire about a vacectomy. We are catholic and I am just very strongly against that even if I didn't desperately want more children (which I do) I told him how I felt and he said that he didn't see the problem bcs he wasn't being sneaky about it and it was his body his choice.
This sucks this all just really sucks. Why does he have to be such an jerk?!?!?!?!? Why do we have to be dealing with this anyways. I am supposed to be 28 wks pg right now but instead I am dealing w/ my dh and figting all the time and feeling so empty and alone. Loss sucks it just sucks. I am struggling way more this time not only bcs I was further along and actually held and buried my son BUT also bcs dh and I are struggling so much with what's next...............








BLECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ETA: I just wanted to add that just bcs my loss at 17 wks was harder for me than my losses at 12.5 wks and 6wks does not mean that they were not absolutely miserable (which they were) and that I wasn't absolutely devistated (which I was). Holding my son made it more difficult for ME but I don't believe that not holding my 2 other's was any less.
I hope that makes since.... I don't every want anyone to feel that there loss is less bcs..... We all do that to ourselves anyways. Ok signing off now (obviously in a very funky place)


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Man I think I am a thread killer









I am having a crappy day. I have been bawling most of the day and really missing emeric. This sucks it just sucks. I am almost positive that af will be here in a few days. I feel like crap, am bloated and crampy and have an achey abdomen. Even if I didn't want to get pg (which I do) I wouldn't want af. I have only had af 6 times in the last 9 yrs and I do Not like it at all.

I hope everyone is having an ok weekend


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
Man I think I am a thread killer









I am having a crappy day. I have been bawling most of the day and really missing emeric. This sucks it just sucks. I am almost positive that af will be here in a few days. I feel like crap, am bloated and crampy and have an achey abdomen. Even if I didn't want to get pg (which I do) I wouldn't want af. I have only had af 6 times in the last 9 yrs and I do Not like it at all.

I hope everyone is having an ok weekend

I'm so sorry for you ~ and so sorry DH is not being cooperative. Hoping that he comes to his senses and decides against getting a vasectomy. I know how strong that feeling is of "I'm not complete yet" with having children and I think that is something that men rarely understand.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Where is everybody?
I am feeling better emotionally today but still feel like crap physically. I am bloated, tired, crabby, and just feel yucky








These mood swings are ridicuous! Yesterday I felt like I just couldn't go on, couldn't deal with things anymore. Today I am fine







I have a close friend that always sais "Todays truth is tomorrows bs". That is so true about this bcs I may feel the world is going to end one day but fine the next or have a decent day and then be ready to jump off a bridge the next (not suicidal but the thought does cross my mind fleetingly on occasion)
I am off to work now. Hope everyone is hangin in there.

Lokidoki- congrats. Hang on tight cuz pal is a wild ride.


----------



## AnnieA (Nov 26, 2007)

theboysmama. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it right now. I had a bad time about a week ago but I decided to let myself be sad (easy to do since the kids weren't home) and just be in it. I got out my memory box for the baby and looked through everything and cried. The feelings have eased up some but I still start crying if someone asks how I'm doing.

Are you waiting until the end of the week to test?


----------



## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

Can I join your chat thread?









I'm Stacie and I had my seventh miscarriage last month. I've been looking for support groups but the ones near me seem to be mostly specifically geared toward women with full term losses.

I'm not really struggling with anything in particular right now, except this: we have a family business (a grass based diversified farm) and I feel in my gut that one of the reasons that I have not maintained a pregnancy is that I am too focused on our farm and business. It's like the FARM is my baby and I'm too emotionally invested in that to maintain another pregnancy. My husband and I are going away in December to have a planning retreat (which consists of us in a really nice hotel, lots of coffee and wine, and a huge calendar) and I want to reframe our business plan so that we are providing food for ourselves and a few select customers, but not for everyone. I think it will be less work, less stress, and more time to focus on our family. (I realize that's like the fourth time I've used the word 'focus' in one paragraph, but I can't think of any other appropriate word right now.)

I know that that this is not the most logical step, but I thought I'd offer it out there and see if anyone else has experienced the same thing.

Blessings and love to all of you. I've read this entire thread and cannot wait to get to know you all. What wonderful women you are.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

*Lokidoki* - congrats!

*Stacie* - I'm so sorry for your loss.









*theboysmama* - I'm glad today is a better day for you emotionally.









I had my follow-up u/s today. Still no heartbeat. I knew there wouldn't be. The OB said she did see some bleeding, but I haven't had any spotting or cramping. She wouldn't be able to give me Misopristol b/c it's a Catholic hospital, but she could refer me if I want to go that route.

I am so DYING for this to be over with. Yesterday I had decided I could not wait another day and I wanted a medical induction. But now that my u/s shows some possible changes and maybe hope that my body is rejecting this pregnancy, I think I am going to wait. If my hCG levels tomorrow are still rising, maybe I will change my mind again. I just don't know. I hate the thought of waiting for weeks, but I am really scared of the Misopristol and even more scared of a D&C. Ugh.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AnnieA;15981364Are you waiting until the end of the week to test?[/QUOTE*
I will wait until at least fri. I just don't get pos before 13 dpo. Af should be here by then but if not I will test on fri. or sat or I might wait longer, not sure.

*theboysmama* - She wouldn't be able to give me Misopristol b/c it's a Catholic hospital, but she could refer me if I want to go that route.

What does it being a catholic hospital have to do w/ misoprostol or the induction of a failed pregnancy?

I bought a craft pumpkin today and am hoping the kids and I can decorate it w/ glow in the dark paint for emerics grave. Should be fun. It is healing for me to do that kind of stuff.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

tbm - I'm sorry you've been down! The rollercoaster of emotions is so hard to deal with! I love your idea about the pumpkin so much that I might steal it since my due date is the 28th. Maybe we'll pick up a small pumpkin and carve a B into it and leave it at the grave on Thursday. Thank-you!!

Mom to JJ - I'm sorry you are still waiting. The cytotech/misprostal (sp?) sucks. If you don't have to do it then I wouldn't! Is there something natural you could take?

Loki - Congratulations! I'll keep you and babe in my prayers.

Stacie - I'm very sorry for all of your losses









Annie -







Going through the memory box is a hard thing to do.


----------



## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
I am so DYING for this to be over with. Yesterday I had decided I could not wait another day and I wanted a medical induction. But now that my u/s shows some possible changes and maybe hope that my body is rejecting this pregnancy, I think I am going to wait. If my hCG levels tomorrow are still rising, maybe I will change my mind again. I just don't know. I hate the thought of waiting for weeks, but I am really scared of the Misopristol and even more scared of a D&C. Ugh.

You know, I found out that I was losing one of my babies at eight weeks...went in for an U/S and saw the baby but no heartbeat. I didn't actually start bleeding until almost 11 weeks. Any OB in the world would have sent me in for a D&C, but my sweet midwife just kept telling me to hang in there (I wasn't showing any signs of infection or a problem) and I am so glad that I did. I would never tell someone not to have a D&C if it is what they want, but I did a LOT of healing and praying during those three weeks.

Plus if you (like me) have an issue with not staying still, waiting for the miscarriage to start is a good way to remind yourself to take care of your body and take it easy.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 

What does it being a catholic hospital have to do w/ misoprostol or the induction of a failed pregnancy?

The Catholic hospital I went to were trialling misoprostal, but they wouldn't administer it until they could confirm *without a doubt* that the pregnancy was not viable.
For me, this meant three separate ultrasounds and numerous hcg checks.
In the end though, I opted for a d&c.

Hope everyone is doing okay today. I am just waiting.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Thanks for the congrats everyone! It seems a little surreal until one of the dogs steps on my boobs in the bed and I scream out in pain! Definitely stronger symptoms this time around ~ gagging all the time now ~ and to imagine my pregnancy with DS I complained about the morning sickness...this time I say "bring it"! I go today for betas and then the swirl begins.

DH thinks it is twins...he is constantly trying to kill me with his positive attitude! Thinking of all of you regardless of where you are in the midst of this. I was thinking last night that when you get pregnant you become a member of this "club" where you can strike up a conversation with any mother about "mommy stuff". Then once you m/c you are a member of yet a more elite club yet this one is sinister and evil ~ and it is so tough to find people who can relate. I would never have made it through in one piece if it were not for this board to post to in the midst of all of my own drama...and everyone else here sharing their stories, experience, ideas. It is nice to not feel so alone in all of this!


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Mom to JJ - I'm sorry you are still waiting. The cytotech/misprostal (sp?) sucks. If you don't have to do it then I wouldn't! Is there something natural you could take?


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
The Catholic hospital I went to were trialling misoprostal, but they wouldn't administer it until they could confirm *without a doubt* that the pregnancy was not viable. For me, this meant three separate ultrasounds and numerous hcg checks. In the end though, I opted for a d&c.

I have spent a week googling ways to induce naturally, and nothing is for sure, plus I am still nursing my DD and don't want to start flooding my milk with a bunch of cohoshes and pennyroyals.

By the time this is over, I will have had three u/s. I got my labs today, and my hSG went UP from 46,000 last week to 58,000 yesterday. The nurse said I should not expect to miscarry any time soon.

I'm done. I've heard all the horror stories about Cytotec, but I called today and set up my appointment for Thursday. One day of physical torture pales in comparison to endless weeks of mental, emotional, and spiritual torture. I can't believe this is happening to me. If I can't have my baby, why can't I at least miscarry it like a freakin' normal person?!


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
I'm done. I've heard all the horror stories about Cytotec, but I called today and set up my appointment for Thursday. One day of physical torture pales in comparison to endless weeks of mental, emotional, and spiritual torture. I can't believe this is happening to me. If I can't have my baby, why can't I at least miscarry it like a freakin' normal person?!

(((HUGS))) I would probably feel the same way to be honest. If you can't take anything natural due to nursing, it may be worth getting it over with faster with meds.

Well, I am not having a good day. AF arrived today a day or two early based on my last two cycles anyway. Well, at least I won't waste a PG test tomorrow morning right?!









DH and I had our first counselling session tonight and I really like the counsellor actually. We'll see where it goes as we only get 6 free sessions through DH's employee assistance program.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Well, I am not having a good day. AF arrived today a day or two early based on my last two cycles anyway. Well, at least I won't waste a PG test tomorrow morning right?!









DH and I had our first counselling session tonight and I really like the counsellor actually. We'll see where it goes as we only get 6 free sessions through DH's employee assistance program.

Sorry about the appearance of AF ~ that stinks!

Not sure how long you have been married but I found counseling VERY helpful for me and DH in/around our first 2-3 years of marriage. We were really hitting a rough patch and needed help communicating. I think we went to 12 sessions over the course of that time but it helped so much. I felt that afterwards we knew each other better and could "fight" better if that makes sense. In some regard I think this m/c has helped us too ~ I am a fairly private person when it comes to gruesome details about ovulation and body parts, etc. So explaining to him all the gory details about everything I think has made us closer...he understands the deal a little better now. I also think he trusts my intuition 150% more now too.

I would HIGHLY recommend counseling to anyone ~ even during good times in your marriage...but the one thing is that both parties have to be open to talking. Funny that one of the first things we discussed was how DH hated how I loaded the dishwasher because I didn't load it right...my response is he never loaded it at all...LOL! Just so interesting how much there is to learn about someone you have lived with for so long.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

paeta- I am so sorry about af, that sucks. Especially since I know oct is hard for you.

Loki- hope you are feeling ok today and hanging in there.

LJ-You haven't posted in a while, I hope you are hanging in there.

Mom to jj- sorry you are still waiting. That SUCKS!!!! I read terrible things about the misoprostol but had a really great experience (considering the circumstances). It was by far easier than my natural missed m/c at 12.5 wks.

AFM- I went to the nilmdts photographer today. We viewed the photos I took and she thinks she can do a little with them. Remove some of the blood and the glare. She was very wonderful, patient (with my children that were being very hyper, especially after we viewed the photos), and just overall awesome. I really hope that it makes these a little less "sharp". Hooray to nilmdts and all of their wonderful photographers.







What a wonderful thing for her to be doing.
We started our pumpkin project this evening and Emerics craft pumpkin now has a small hole in the top and is solid black. (and so are my kids







). Hopefully we can add the glitter glue tomorrow then by fri. we can finish it up w/ the glow in the dark paint and filling it with sand. I will attach pics when we put it at the grave. My kids calmed down a bit after we worked on it. I think it gave them an outlet for their sadness.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Thanks guys.

TBM - I'm glad you went to NILMDTS. Maybe I'll try that too. I'd like to at least put some pictures in our "memory box" but to be honest I am afraid to even get them printed. I mean, who really wants to see pictures like those right?!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I got emerics pics printed at walgreens. I went in and spoke with the photo tech. I explained to her that my son was still born, he was small and not completely developed, i had the pics on the disc and didn't want to bring them up in public. She asked if it was ok to print everything on the disc. I said yes. She told me it wouldn't be a problem. 1hr later I picked them up and paid for singles. She included all doubles in there and told me she was so sorry for my loss. Good experience.
I personally would pay a little more and not go to walmart. Also, I think privately talking to the tech helped a lot bcs she wasn't surprised when the pics came up and she knew how important they were to me.

The lady at nilmdts was awesome. She commented on how sweet he looked and how absolutely tiney he was, the smallest she had seen. I think that there was probably some shrinkage due to how long he had been dead before he was born. His feet seem small for his body (not everything is in proportion). based on when we heard the heartbeat and his size and other pics I have seen I would guess he is between 13-14 wk ga. I had him at 17 wks. I just say 17wks bcs that is how long I was expecting him to join our family, that is how long I was pg, etc. Anways the nilmdts photographer was wonderful and in no way made me uncomfortable about the images. She was pretty grossed out about my toddler drinking the placenta smoothy though.









paeta, you should definately see if they have a retouch artist in your area. She is going to remove the glare, blood, etc. I am really excited.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

just bumping....

Where is everyone?
This thread is open to all loss mamas come on over for support and understanding and lots of


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I'm here







I still check in and have a bit of a lurk.








TBM, I have to admit to also being grossed out by the idea of a placenta smoothie! I can't believe your DC drank it! LOL









I'm glad that they are able to do something with your pictures anyway.
I'm sure that they will be much comfort to you in tough times.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

I've had a rough afternoon ~ not for any particular reason because nothing is wrong. I went for my 2nd set of betas today that came back "rising appropriately" for whatever that is worth. I have not been queasy at all today which always sets me up to think something is wrong...even though I still have several other symptoms and my queasy moments had not gotten all plentiful anyway. I have just been full of anxiety ~ I still feel like the baby is "there" and feel like things are going along just fine but am so sad that I have lost that innocence of being able to float through time knowing for sure things were fine!

DH says "don't worry...it won't help and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome either way"...which I *know* is true but so much easier to know it than to actually stop the anxiety.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Nov 8th ~ which will be 6w6d ~ the exact day I m/c. The scheduling tech went ahead and scheduled all of my appts through December which made me really nervous ~ so superstitious!

I am just so upset tonight that I do not get to have that kind of "happy go lucky" attitude I had with DS ~ it is just so unfair. I want to enjoy this last pregnancy (assuming it goes to term) as I know it is our last "planned" child...and do not want to waste my time worrying myself silly!


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Hi guys. Can I join? I'm 10 weeks tomorrow but the baby died at 8w4d. I have zero signs of things moving along any time soon. I'm going a little stir crazy. Doc gave me misoprostol and said I shoudl take it this weekend. Even scheduled me a follow up appt. But I'm way too chicken to take that stuff. It's just not me.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
TBM, I have to admit to also being grossed out by the idea of a placenta smoothie! I can't believe your DC drank it! LOL









She is was only 21 months so she had no idea. The placenta can not be tasted at all I swear. This is the 3rd one I have consumed and the bennefits are absolutely amazing. I wish I had known about placentophogy for my first loss (the placenta was about the size of a quarter). It helps contract the uterus, replace iron, and fight off ppd. The 2 times that I have had it in smoothy form immediately after the birth. My uterus was completely contracted within 5 days adn all bleeding/spotting had stopped within 1 wk of birth. It really is amazing. There is a great thread here in the ppd section.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Hi guys. Can I join? I'm 10 weeks tomorrow but the baby died at 8w4d.

Sorry that you have to be here but everyone is welcome. Sorry things are dragging out for you.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *lokidoki* 
I've had a rough afternoon ~ not for any particular reason because nothing is wrong. DH says "don't worry...it won't help and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome either way"...which I *know* is true but so much easier to know it than to actually stop the anxiety.

I am just so upset tonight that I do not get to have that kind of "happy go lucky" attitude I had with DS ~ it is just so unfair. I want to enjoy this last pregnancy (assuming it goes to term) as I know it is our last "planned" child...and do not want to waste my time worrying myself silly!

Loki-I know this pain and loss of innocence and it sucks. That is why I said hang on to your hat this is gonna be a wild ride. PAL sucks really bad. I was a basket case the last time I had to do that. I have learned to not even bother with the betas, extra appts, etc. Just brings me even more stress. Hang in there. Don't focus on symptoms or lack of it doesn't mean a damn thing either way. Take tons of pictures of your belly, talk to the baby, and appreciate every second it is with you. That helped me a lot with my first rainbow.

AFM-had a date w/ dh tonight it was really nice. Much needed time together. We went to play pool and it was really fun. The oldest girl (14) I used to nanny (i nannied her 11 yrs and just stopped in may and her and her sister are like dd's to me) has a day of the dead project for school (she is in 9th grade). They have to do an oral presentation on someone who died that is really important to them and SHE CHOSE EMERIC





















It just made me so happy. I am not the only one that misses him and thinks about him a lot. Hooray.
We are going to finish his pumpkin tomorrow, I hope. It is solid black right now but still needs glitter glue and orange glow in the dark paint and then we have to seal it so it can stay out in the elements at the cemetary. Might take us till sat to finish but I want to take it there by sun morning.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Thank you nicole. Do you think some of you could give me a quick rundown of your stories? I'm reading back also, but it's more detailed stuff and not the bigger picture. Your siggies help too.







As you can see by mine, I've had one other loss, and one DS who is almost 2. He's a sweetie. <3


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

I'm still here. I've been focusing on TTC and haven't wanted to taint this thread with talk of that stuff...but I've been lurking as well and am keeping up with everyone's stories









Nicole: I'm so happy for you that you had a good experience with Emeric's photos. That is one thing I regret about the way my m/c went (D&C), I missed out on the possibility of there actually being a baby for me to see and feel. I don't even have an u/s pic of my baby. Treasure those photos, mama! Also, it is so wonderful to hear that others are helping to create long lasting memories of Emeric for you. It must feel so wonderful to know that others recognize the importance of remembering those who have passed on too soon. No one that I know even mentions my loss anymore. It's as though it never happened to my entire set of family and friends. I think I'm going to be the only one to ever remember that I actually have TWO children, even though only one is with us on earth.

Lokidoki: I'm sending positive vibes out into the universe for you. I wish you lots of luck and hugs on your u/s date























bcblondie: Sorry you are here, but welcome. In a nutshell, my loss story goes like this: We went for our first u/s at 10 wks, 5 days and found out our baby had no heartbeat. My OB said the baby measured at about 9 weeks, so that must be when it passed. I chose to wait out a natural m/c and waited for 3 weeks with absolutely no signs of spotting, bleeding, or cramping whatsoever. After two more u/s revealing that my body didn't show any indication of releasing the pg, I ultimately chose to have a D&C, which was done at 13 wks, 6 days. After the procedure, my OB said it was probably a good thing we chose surgery because there was significantly more tissue in me than she expected to find and that if I had ever even been able to m/c naturally, it would have been extremely dangerous and high risk for hemorrhage. Although I didn't want surgery, it was strangely cathartic for me. I know some women talk about feeling a lightening in them after the baby passes in a natural m/c, well I think something similar happened to me after the procedure. I finally began to heal. I still have some regrets about having a surgical m/c, but I believe it was the right decision under our circumstances.

AFM: I had a nice talk with a co-worker yesterday about my loss. She was the first person IRL that I have actually spoken to about everything in a very free manner. It's so odd that I can't talk to any of my supposedly "close" friends or family about how this has affected me, but I could speak freely and openly to a woman who isn't much more than an acquaintance. She is the first person who has embraced my story and let me express my emotions over it without making me feel like I should be over it by now. It was nice, that's all.

I'm dreading going back to work full-time. I have been working part-time and from home so I could stay with my DS since my maternity leave ended last October. Now my boss needs me back in the office full time starting December 1st and I'm just dying inside. I want to be home with my DS more than anything, but my family's financial situation is such that I need to work and no other part-time job will pay as much as what I'm currently making. I'm really, really bummed.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Erica Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm sorry for your loss. What an ordeal.







That is something that worries me. I'm 10 weeks today... my placenta is probably still growing and measuring 10 weeks. The longer I wait... what are my risks? More bleeding? Chances of it not completing? Chances of clots getting stuck? Chances of docs insisting on d&c?
It makes me really tempted to take the misoprostol today. But then again you never know. A few more days and I could pass it on my own... Are my cances of it completing better if I go natural?
Ive been doing as much research as possible, trying to make an informed decision, but there's not much out there... Some stats on misoprostol alone but t hat's about it.

I'm so glad you had a good talk with someone. I have a lot of friends and family supporting us but I still feel alone. No one can help me decide what I need to. No one can make this move along any faster... Dh has been working crappy hours... ugh. I just hate everything.

I'm sorry you have to go back to work too.







I feel very blessed to be able to SAH. It's tight sometimes but we get by.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh I didn't say my name. I'm Susy.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Yesterday was my son's due date. I survived it and actually we had a decent day overall. I felt somewhat relieved actually. Then I had another meltdown today b/c DH's cousin had her baby this morning (thankfully not yesterday) and all I can wonder is how the heck I will ever be able to meet that baby. If eventually I am able to meet her, how will I ever look at her and not think of my DS?! I know babies are a blessing and that is great for their family and all of that but honestly, I am just really sad now.









This week effing sucks.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Paeta! One of my best friend's had a baby the day after I found out ours died.







That was the 23rd. I still haven't gone to see them.







I'd just bawl the whole time. I'm sure she understands though because she's had a loss as well. She hasn't tried to contact me and ask why I haven't come. So she must understand.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I'm very sorry for your loss BC!


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Thank you. And I hear you. This week sucks the bodini weenie.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Paeta- I am so glad you made it through the edd. that gives me hope!

Bc - My history:
I am 35 yrs old and have 4 living children. My first 2 pg ended with very healthy full term boys. My 2nd 2 pregnanciesended in m/c. My 5th pg I had a full term ds and my 6th pg a full term dd. My 7th pg ended at 17 wks on 8/9/10. here is Emeric's story.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

I haven't been around since near the beginning of this chat so I don't know if anyone will remember me. Sometimes I can't bear to come and talk about it so I stay away for a while. I think last time I was on was the start of my miscarriage. It was a long drawn out ordeal lasting about 5 weeks - with many blood tests, scans, and two visits to hospital ED in that time. Just as it was resolving another health issue has come up meaning I have been in pain and having tests for the last 3 weeks. I feel like my body is at war with me. DH and I have realised we need to avoid concieving again till I am completely healthy and having normal cycles again too.

I'm finding feelings over my stillborn son (May this year) have become raw again now and I'm not sure why. Does this happen to others - where you think you're doing better for a while and then other days it just hits you really hard? I expected it to be hardest when my friend and DH's cousin had their babies - turns out that part was not as bad as seeing them getting on with life with a baby.

I've been having nightmares too. Horrible nightmares where my baby is either dead or very sick and I know they wont survive - and always they are tiny like Anil was, and no one will let me near them because they say I can't be trusted since I let the last two babies I carried die. There's just this great big gaping hole where my son should be in my life. And I feel guilty too that I focus on Anil and not so much my recent miscarriage.

It just seems to be hitting me more and more that this will never ever go away, even if I have days and days where things seem better, this grief will always be there under everything, I will always be the mother of a baby I never got to bring home. I was looking at his photos the other day, and stuck behind one was a photo I didn't realise we had - it showed his whole body. It was a gift but also hurt to see again just how perfect he was, and those little legs that used to kick me every night as I tried to sleep, that were meant to grow and run around and kick balls and chase his brothers.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

CLM: I'm so sorry, mama. I have nothing to offer except


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

clm-It is so normal to be "ok" one minuite and in deep despair the next (at least it happens to me regularly). The pain doesn't go away (just lessens over time). I have found that each loss just adds another piece to my grief, brining up more, and changing how I look at things. I am so sorry you are having health problems. After my first loss I had all kinds of issues and my cycle took forever to come back. It really sucks when we feel that our bodies have failed us and aren't working properly. Big hugs to you mama. Don't be a stranger, we can hopefully offer you some comfort here.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

we finally finished emerics pumpkin. We went to the cemetary today and put it on his grave, it looks great! Not what I envisioned but the kids took free artistic rein and it looks awesome, they are happy with it. We might go by tonight to see if it is glowing. I will try to get a pic uploaded today if I have time.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
we finally finished emerics pumpkin. We went to the cemetary today and put it on his grave, it looks great! Not what I envisioned but the kids took free artistic rein and it looks awesome, they are happy with it. We might go by tonight to see if it is glowing. I will try to get a pic uploaded today if I have time.

That's awesome, Nicole. I'm sure it looks great if the kids helped and that's so much more meaningful than a "normal" jack-o-lantern. I can't wait to see pics









AFM: AF reared her ugly head yesterday afternoon and I'm pretty bummed. I had this horrible feeling last night that my son would end up being an only child. I know that's really premature thinking, but the thought was SO strong that I kind of freaked out. I think I'm better today, but I just want to be pg


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Erica I'm sorry she showed.









Nicole that's so sweet that you guys carved a pumpkin and brought it to his grave.

CLM, I agree. Totally normal to have good days and then bad days that seem to come out of nowhere. The strangest things trigger it for me.
Let go of the guilt! You don't need that on top of grief... I really don't know if it's possible to start to heal properly if you're holding on to guilt. I'm guessing your more recent loss wasn't as far along? That makes sense why you think of Anil more. It was more real to you if he was older. My "farther-along" loss was more recent, but I bet if things were reversed I'd have a harder time with the farther-along one, than the shorter one. We had so much faith in this bean.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

we didn't exactly carve the pumpkin. It is a craft pumpkin and the kids painted it and dh weather proofed it. It is filled with sand and we plan on using it every yr around halloween.Hereit is. I might not have linked it correctly. Please tell me if it doesn't work. The whole album might show up (i don't think so) and if it does there is a pic of a pic of emeric on his alter, just a warning.

I fixed the link I think, let me know.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Ohh ok sorry.
Yeah the link brings me to the snapfish homepage.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Also, I wouldn't mind to see a pic of emeric if you don't mind sharing. If I see my baby I will probably post it for those that want to see.


----------



## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
That's awesome, Nicole. I'm sure it looks great if the kids helped and that's so much more meaningful than a "normal" jack-o-lantern. I can't wait to see pics









AFM: AF reared her ugly head yesterday afternoon and I'm pretty bummed. I had this horrible feeling last night that my son would end up being an only child. I know that's really premature thinking, but the thought was SO strong that I kind of freaked out. I think I'm better today, but I just want to be pg



















I can relate to the feeling of your DS being an only child...I had that same fear after my m/c and it was overwhelming. The only thing that got me through was envisioning my friend w/o any children who has been TTC for 4 years. I know that is little consolation as it was little consolation for me too in those moments...but it is so hard! Thinking of you!


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I just now read Emeric's birth story. It was beautiful. I have tears in my eyes. So, so sweet of your son to run and grab him a toy, too. <3


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Thanks bc. it was healing to write up the birth stories of my little ones.
I think I fixed the above link.

Trick-or-treating was fun. The kids were sad and wished emeric could be with us. I didn't bother explaining that he wouldn't have been here yet anyways. The timing just doesn't make since to them.
It was hard bcs I had to change my costume bcs the dress I had planned on wearing was maternity. I still was professor mcgonogal but had to rethink things on thurs. We had a good time and I was only a little sad today so that is HUGE progress.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.
Paeta?
LJ?
Haven't heard from you in a little while are you doing ok?
Thinking of all of the wonderful mamas on this thread that have been such a lifeline for me in the last 12 wks. Yup it has been 12 wks, doesn't seem possible but also seems so long ago.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole I'm glad you had a good time TOTing. We did too. Although it was really cold. And I kept thinking "I should be pregnant right now"









Oh that is the pic I saw in your previous link! I thought it was the homepage of the site. lol. It looks all professional.
But that's so nice. <3 What a beautiful thing you did for him. <3


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lokidoki* 









I can relate to the feeling of your DS being an only child...I had that same fear after my m/c and it was overwhelming. The only thing that got me through was envisioning my friend w/o any children who has been TTC for 4 years. I know that is little consolation as it was little consolation for me too in those moments...but it is so hard! Thinking of you!

Thanks for helping me put it in perspective. We have two sets of friends who have each been TTC since they got married (each couple >7 years) and are still childless. One couple has had IVF twice and even did IVF using her sister as a surrogate with their embryos and still nothing. I count my blessings every day that I have my beautiful DS in my life and if I can never have another child, I'm still blessed in ways those couples may never be. However, like another poster said in this thread a while ago (Nicole, I think), there is someone **missing** from my family and I just want to find him or her as soon as possible. We have so much more love to give to another DC and I so want my son to be a big brother to at least one sibling. I'm sad right now


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I want my son to have a sibling so bad also. He loves other kids. He plays so well with them.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
we finally finished emerics pumpkin. We went to the cemetary today and put it on his grave, it looks great!

It does look great! What a sweet project for you all to work on for Emeric.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
AF reared her ugly head yesterday afternoon and I'm pretty bummed. I had this horrible feeling last night that my son would end up being an only child. I know that's really premature thinking, but the thought was SO strong that I kind of freaked out. I think I'm better today, but I just want to be pg










Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
I want my son to have a sibling so bad also. He loves other kids. He plays so well with them.









Sorry about AF. I had such a hard time waiting to get pg with my 2nd. I had a chemical pregnancy, and then it took another 6 cycles of very actively trying to get pregnant with my daughter. That half year dragged on forever, and it's harder to wait after a m/c because there is such an emotional need to be pregnant again right away. At least that's how I am. I feel like another pregnancy is the only thing that will "fix" the problem, prove to myself that there's nothing wrong with me, etc. But I did want to just encourage you that even if it takes a few months, it doesn't mean your sons will never have siblings. I'm sure they'll both be GREAT big brothers some day!









AFM: I did my Misoprostol induction this weekend. In the end, I'm not sure if it caused the m/c or if my body did it naturally. My water broke on Friday before I did the first dose of Misoprostol. Nothing happened--no contractions or bleeding or anything, so on Saturday afternoon I did a second dose. In the evening I had just the mildest cramping, and then all kinds of huge clots just started falling out. It was the weirdest thing. I almost felt like a casual observer of the whole process. It wasn't the least bit uncomfortable. Nothing like all the horror stories I'd ready.

I kind of feel guilty that I was so happy during the miscarriage. I know the two weeks of waiting gave me time to grieve, and then get impatient for something to happen, and then finally so desperate for it to be over with that by the time it happened and when it wasn't the torturous experience I'd been expecting, I was just happy and excited. And I do feel a little guilty about that.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Mom to Jj I'm so glad it's over for you now and it wasn't horrible. It makes me want to just take the dang meds!! I'm so sick of this.









I totally agree there's a real emotional need to be pg again. I haven't even passed this baby yet and I've already had a dream I got another bfp. What the heck, body? Slow down.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

jj- so glad that the physical part is over for you. Don't feel bad that you were happy and relieved. We had a pic of me right after I had emeric that dh deleted bcs he said it was just weird that I was smiling so big and looked so excited. Had to redo it w/ a more somber look. I thought it was going to be an awful experience (due to a past very traumatic m/c) and it wasn't and i was sooooo happy that I didn't get screwed in that area to. Please don't have guilt it is a very normal reaction.

Glad everyone like e's pumpkin. I love it. I will leave it at the cemetary until sunday and then will pack it up for next yr.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm definitely spotting now. I really hope I didn't cause it with the parsley stems or something. I hope it's starting. Still no cramps.


----------



## leannelatterell (Nov 3, 2010)

I would love to chat! Hi Nicole.....I finally got on the thread.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Hi Leanne. Welcome. What's your story?

Mine, I found out at 9 weeks that the baby passed at 8w4d. I'm now 10w4d and starting to spot. I think things might start moving along here soon.

This isn't my first loss. We had one almost 4 years ago, at only 5 weeks. Even that one still hurts.







And now another. So hard.









But I do have a gorgeous DS who is 2, almost. He's the light of my life. <3


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Leanne- so glad you finally made it over here! This is an awesome group of supportive ladies. It was great chatting w/ you tonight by the way.

Hope everyone is doing well. Things are just trucking along here. The rough days just hit me like a ton of bricks but at least they aren't every day anymore. Tomorrow will be the 16th yr anniversary of my mothers death. It will never go away but things sure still heal.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole where did you 2 meet?

I'm sorry to hear about the upcoming anniversary.







You will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
I kind of feel guilty that I was so happy during the miscarriage. I know the two weeks of waiting gave me time to grieve, and then get impatient for something to happen, and then finally so desperate for it to be over with that by the time it happened and when it wasn't the torturous experience I'd been expecting, I was just happy and excited. And I do feel a little guilty about that.









I don't think you need to feel guilty at all. Discovering a loss is such a huge impact and then you still have to go through the physical part of actually having the loss. That is an entirely separate devastation that your body has to go through. It is completely understandable to feel free when it's over. I was horribly depressed after I found out my baby had passed and for the the entire three weeks that I waited to m/c naturally, I alternated between numb and anguished. I finally chose to have a d&c because my body was showing no signs of releasing the pregnancy and when I woke up from the anesthesia, I was so much happier and "lighter". It was a very cathartic process, despite not being able to see or hold my baby. I totally get the happiness part, even though it seems weird.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Nicole where did you 2 meet?

I'm sorry to hear about the upcoming anniversary.







You will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

I am not sure? Facebook I think. But not sure how exactly, we don't know eachother irl though.

It has been so long since my mom died that her anniversary doesn't bring the same crap with it that it used to, gives me a little hope about Emeric.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

Thanks for all the support and understanding.

What you guys did for Emeric was lovely. For Christmas I think I'm going to get a present I may have gotten Anil (he would have been 3 months) and give it to a charity, maybe do that every year.

momtoJJ - my miscarriage was drawn out and I was relieved when it was done too. There is no right or wrong way to feel in all this.

bc - there was a big gap, Anil was 23weeks and my recent miscarriage was 8weeks. I think also coming so soon after losing Anil I hadn't let myself connect to my little one for fear of another loss. Maybe that was the wrong thing, maybe I didn't hold onto him enough and that's why I lost him too.

My friend who was pregnant at the same time I was with Anil and had him within 2 days of his due date is weaning her 7 week old son onto formula. For some reason I really can't explain, aside from disappointment for them that they will miss out on a breastfeeding relationship and all the benefits, it hit me really hard, I rang my DH and burst into tears and without even thinking about it I blurted out "I would have breastfed our baby!!!" and just couldn't stop crying and saying it over and over. Which is stupid because it's not like I think because she's choosing not to breastfeed she doesn't deserve her son. And I have to remind myself all the time that she didn't get to have her son INSTEAD of me having mine. But it really really upset me.

I'm trying to focus on getting healthy. The doctors finally discovered the cause of my chest pain so I'm on medication for that, my liver is almost back to normal too. Once I finish this medication I plan to have a blood test to make sure I'm not deficient in anything, and a pap smear and skin cancer check (I'm fair and freckled). In the meantime I'm exercising daily and avoiding processed food and most colours and preservatives. I just need to feel in control again and like I'm taking positive steps. It's always in the back of my mind that I may concieve just to go through all of this all over again though.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
My friend who was pregnant at the same time I was with Anil and had him within 2 days of his due date is weaning her 7 week old son onto formula. For some reason I really can't explain, aside from disappointment for them that they will miss out on a breastfeeding relationship and all the benefits, it hit me really hard, I rang my DH and burst into tears and without even thinking about it I blurted out "I would have breastfed our baby!!!" and just couldn't stop crying and saying it over and over. Which is stupid because it's not like I think because she's choosing not to breastfeed she doesn't deserve her son. And I have to remind myself all the time that she didn't get to have her son INSTEAD of me having mine. But it really really upset me.









I would have felt _exactly_ the same way.

I hope everyone is doing ok. I had my followup u/s yesterday following the miscarriage. The OB said the gestational sac was still in there! I was pretty upset b/c everything I've done so far was to avoid a D&C. He looked and looked for a long time, and then he said he thought the sac had gotten stuck at the top of the cervix. He put a speculum in and was able to reach in there with something and pull it out. He said it was forming a plug over the cervix and was just sitting right there, and that we were pretty lucky he could reach it. (I think God was watching over me!) And then we did a second u/s, and he said everything was out!!

So I'm cleared to try again after one cycle. He also said that since I've had two healthy babies since my blighted ovum, that he didn't think my risk for a repeat m/c was any higher than the 20%-30% average. Which was good news, but I wanted to cry. There is a 20%-30% chance of this happening again next time. Seriously. I hate those odds. It is not fair that this is my second loss with a baby that I actively tried to conceive, and some people get pregnant and don't want their babies or don't take their prenatals or smoke their way through the pregnancy or a thousand other things that make this so painfully unfair.







And being PAL is nerve-wracking and scary. I desperately want to be pregnant again, but one part of me dreads it because I know what a wreck I'll be until that baby is actually in my arms. It just sucks.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Just found my way back here. Mothering and my computer haven't gotten along well for a few days. Will have to catch up.

Just wanted to send some


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Mom to jj I know how you feel. My doc said the same thing. I've had 2 losses but one healthy pg so she's sure nothing's wrong with me. It's just "fluke." Well it WOULD be my dumb luck, wouldn't it. I have to and other women have none. It's just not fair. Crap I could have a 3rd and it probably still means nothing.

CLM. I totally understand. I think if I get pg again I'll be extremely hesititant to get attached. I also realized how hard it's been on me, that with all my pregnancies I annonced it as "we're having a baby" type t hing... but only one of the times, we actually did. Next time it's going to be "i'm pregnant." There's no guarantee of a baby...
I even commented on a commercial the other day. You know the one where the lady pees on a stick and it's pos. And she says "we're going to have a baby" so the dad goes out and stretches his car and it becomes bigger? He keeps saying "we're going to have a baby" I pretty much yelled at the TV. NO you're NOT. You're pregnant. She's got like a 25% chance of LOSIGN the baby."








I'm in the anger stage of grief.
And I totally know what you mean too about the breastfeeding! I work so hard to research and do what's best for my family, not just follow the crowd... and then some totally mainstream mom has a wack of kids and doesn't even consider not vaxing, cloth diapers, breastfeeding, etc. It makes me so mad.
And like you said. It doesn't mean t hey don't deserve their kids. But it's just kind of a kick in teh face.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh and AFM. I'm passing small clots today. It's def going to be soon.


----------



## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

bc - that's exactly the words for it!! A kick in the face! And I so get yelling at the tv - I do that!! Or tv shows where they get all excited. And that's what we consider it now too - being pregnant means we have a chance of having a baby, that it is slightly more likely that when I wasn't pregnant. I used to torture myself with the statistics - like if there were 200 pregnant women in a room, 40 - 60 of them will have a miscarriage, and 1 will have a stillbirth. That leaves at least 139 who get to have their baby. Why couldn't I be one of those? Then I would keep expanding it so that if there were 1000 in the room, only 5 would have a stillbirth - and I was one of those instead of the 995 others, or the 695 who get to have a baby. The clots are a positive sign, I hope it doesn't drag on any further for you.

momtojj - that was great about what happened with your scan, and to get the all clear. I understand it is so scary ttc again, knowing you're potentially opening yourself up to more heartache.

Hi Paeta, good your computer is being friendly with mothering again.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

CLM I totally do the math on a room too! Back before I got pg I went to our church's pancake breakfast. There was probably 100, 150 people there, so maybe 40-60 moms, and literally like half of them were pregnant. Most with kids younger than William. So there's me like "I'm the poor infertile 5%" or whatever... It's just stupid.

And the other day I had to babysit for church (cruel timing, I know) and afterwards everyone came to get their kids. Off in the small side room there were just a few of us. One of my best freinds was there with her 1 week old baby, another girl came to see the baby, and she was pregnant, and another lady was there with an older baby. Here's me, it just HAS to be me, the one who miscarried. Sucks to be me.

Sigh.

The bleeding is definately more again today. I peed this morning and for the first time actually changed the colour of the toilet water... But still no cramps or nothing. How much LONGER?! Ugh.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
CLM I totally do the math on a room too! Back before I got pg I went to our church's pancake breakfast. There was probably 100, 150 people there, so maybe 40-60 moms, and literally like half of them were pregnant. Most with kids younger than William. So there's me like "I'm the poor infertile 5%" or whatever... It's just stupid.









I was at Chuck E. Cheese this week for a birthday party for my DS, and there were a handful of noticeably pregnant women in the place, and I kept looking around and thinking, "How many of these women have had losses? Or is it just me?"

AFM: It's happened. I'm still bleeding from my m/c, but my loss has already sent fertility beams to all my family and friends. Yesterday my brother called to say that he and his wife are 6 1/2 weeks pregnant with their first, and they were actively preventing pregnancy. He's 26 years old, and they've never had a loss, so I know I have to cut him some slack. I just wish he would have acknowledged that this would be really hard for me, instead of just blurting out that they were pregnant and by the way, how am I doing? What was I supposed to say?! "Well, this week my OB dragged an empty gestational sac out of my body. I'm great!" So I glibly said fine and changed the subject back to how happy I was for them, and he proceeded to ask me how to deal with his moody wife who has been crying over nothing for the last few weeks.









Naturally, after this call I cried for an hour. At first my DH was sweet and supportive, but then he started saying how he was really tired and couldn't be a good listener when he was falling asleep so we should go to bed. When we got in bed I was still not done. I started saying how their baby will always be the same age as my lost angel, and how come they had to get pregnant accidentally right when my baby died, etc., and DH YELLED at me. I don't even know what he said because it was like a knife through my heart and I just started sobbing. He eventually apologized, and it was the CRAPPIEST apology ever. He said he was sorry for making me cry, it was just that since I hadn't cried for weeks he thought the worst of it was over but now he realizes that we're not back at Square One, we're behind Square One. Did his apology have to be an insult?

He's gone for the day, and I'm truly glad. If that's the best he can do, I don't even want him around pretending to care. I tried calling my parents, but they're on a weekend retreat and didn't answer my call. I just want some to care, to acknowledge that this really hurts. I feel bad that I can't be happy for my brother and his wife. They have every right to have a baby. But I had every right to have my baby, too, and it's gone.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Mom to JJ you know what else I've wondered? How many of the pregnant moms I've seen ended up losing their baby late in pregnancy?







We sit there all jealous of them... But guaranteed some of them ended up with still births or the like...







That really puts things in perspective for me. No one is safe.

I'm so sorry your brother broke the news like that.







People are so insensitive!! And ugh I hate all the pregnant complainers right now. Someone on my facebook was whining about being a day over due! The next day there were pics of a baby up. Sheesh, was it THAT bad? I'll trade you.
Oh and someone posted "the handle on my pot just broke off. Things could not get any worse"
I so wanted to write "... you... could have a dead baby inside you? That would probably be worse"

Ugh and dh too? I'm so sorry







All people suck, I think.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh and AFM. I'm still just waiting. I had some mild cramps last night. And today I'm passing bigger clots and even some grey tissue. But it's not like "this is it."
I"m starting to wonder if there even will be a "this is it." Maybe it'll just keep gradually getting heavier and then it'll be done....


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

bcblondie - I know that no one is safe, but I feel like IRL, I'm the only one who isn't safe. I know all of you ladies here are in my same situation, but whenever I lose a baby, all the women around me start getting pregnant and none of them ever has a loss. Why is that?

That's interesting that you're starting to see some gray tissue. The last clot I saw, right before the actual gestational sac got stuck over my cervix, had some whitish gray tissue attached to it. I'm sure it was part of the sac/baby/etc. Everything else was just bright red.








Thinking of you!

BTW, my daddy called me back this morning.







He totally understood, said I had every right to cry, and that it was like the scab had been ripped off my wound. He said my brother and SIL told them "the news" last night, and he and my mom were concerned for me. They didn't think to counsel my brother on how to tell me, though. I wish they would have called and warned me right away, but they expected him to wait a few more weeks before telling the rest of the family. AND my dad said they told him my SIL went off the pill in August because it was giving her a lot of health problems, so I feel like my brother lied to me when I asked how long they'd been trying. He said, "We haven't been, so this guy is really a fighter." Why would he lie to me about that? I would have felt better if he had told me the truth.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

It's just because you NOTICE more after a loss. Before I got pregnant I noticed every pg lady that walked by. I remember sitting in the church balcony (which is small) and counting the number of preggos. Almost every married lady there was preggo 'cept me.
Then once I got pg I stopped noticing who else was pg. One day I thought of it and took a count and it was the same number of women. It was just less obvoius because it was less of a sore spot to me, kwim?

Yeah I wish Id taken a pic of the clot now. Oh well I'm sure there will be more! lol.
Crap I gotta poop. I hate pooping becuase I fear the baby will pass at the same time and I'll haev to dig it out of poop. gross.
My cervix feels super soft and open. More than before.

I'm so sorry it seems like your brother lied to you! I wonder if they were still using condoms maybe? "not trying" is a whole lot different than actively preventing. I'd be mad and probably write him email and ask what the heck...


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
It's just because you NOTICE more after a loss. Before I got pregnant I noticed every pg lady that walked by. I remember sitting in the church balcony (which is small) and counting the number of preggos. Almost every married lady there was preggo 'cept me.
Then once I got pg I stopped noticing who else was pg. One day I thought of it and took a count and it was the same number of women. It was just less obvoius because it was less of a sore spot to me, kwim?

Ugh, I was attending a super small church right after my first miscarriage. I was in a prayer meeting where someone prayed for "all the parents here," and I sneaked a peek and realized I was the ONLY one who wasn't a parent. I wanted to stand up and shriek, "Yes, God bless everyone except ME!" It was horrible.

On a separate note, does anyone know how long the post-m/c hormone "crash" lasts? After about a week of feeling emotionally strong, I have pretty much been crying for the past 22 hours or so. My SIL's pregnancy announcement is what set it off, but I'm suspecting that her ill-timed news just coincided with that really bad low that comes after the miscarriage is complete. I hope it doesn't last too much longer. My eyes are SO puffy I hardly recognize myself.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Just a quick post. I passed the baby. Fully formed and in teh sac. Placenta attached. It was the most amazing thing...


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I've been wondering about you mama, so glad to hear that's over (this part anyway) and that you got to see your baby.















rest in peace little one


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Bc thank goodness. I hope that brings u some peace. So glad got to see the baby


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

We went to visit my moms grave this weekend. It is about 5.5hrs away so we only get there about 1x a yr. It was very peaceful and healing to go. It has been 16 yrs now, on the actual anniversary it actually gave me some peace bcs after 16 yrs although it is terribly sad it is something that I am ok with. It is nice to know that in 16 yrs maybe I won't break down constantly and emerics loss will just be a part of who I am not ALL of who I am.

I went to the baby loss support group on thurs. before we left and it was good. I had a really hard time sleeping on thurs night but was somewhat functional on fri. Last month I couldn't get out of bed on fri. morning so I see this as improvement.

Some days are better and some days still really suck. It has been 13 wks now and seems like it just happened but also seems like so very long ago.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
Ugh, I was attending a super small church right after my first miscarriage. I was in a prayer meeting where someone prayed for "all the parents here," and I sneaked a peek and realized I was the ONLY one who wasn't a parent. I wanted to stand up and shriek, "Yes, God bless everyone except ME!" It was horrible.

On a separate note, does anyone know how long the post-m/c hormone "crash" lasts? After about a week of feeling emotionally strong, I have pretty much been crying for the past 22 hours or so. My SIL's pregnancy announcement is what set it off, but I'm suspecting that her ill-timed news just coincided with that really bad low that comes after the miscarriage is complete. I hope it doesn't last too much longer. My eyes are SO puffy I hardly recognize myself.

Oh I hate the prayers for pg women sometimes.







But my church is very good about praying for those that want children and can't or have had losses. I really appreciate that.








I think I'm in that first week of feeling strong, like you had. I feel good. But I felt really good after having william too. I think it's the endorphins from dealing with the pain and whatnot... I'm scared what'll happen once that wears off. I'm probably going to have a lot of crying fits like you.







Tons of hugs. We'll get through this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theboysmama* 
We went to visit my moms grave this weekend. It is about 5.5hrs away so we only get there about 1x a yr. It was very peaceful and healing to go. It has been 16 yrs now, on the actual anniversary it actually gave me some peace bcs after 16 yrs although it is terribly sad it is something that I am ok with. It is nice to know that in 16 yrs maybe I won't break down constantly and emerics loss will just be a part of who I am not ALL of who I am.

I went to the baby loss support group on thurs. before we left and it was good. I had a really hard time sleeping on thurs night but was somewhat functional on fri. Last month I couldn't get out of bed on fri. morning so I see this as improvement.

Some days are better and some days still really suck. It has been 13 wks now and seems like it just happened but also seems like so very long ago.

Glad you went to your moms grave and it wasn't horrible. There IS hope for us. Do you know the poem "a pair of shoes"?
I think that's really nice that you have a baby loss support group.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CheekyLilMonkeys* 
For Christmas I think I'm going to get a present I may have gotten Anil (he would have been 3 months) and give it to a charity, maybe do that every year.

My friend who was pregnant at the same time I was with Anil and had him within 2 days of his due date is weaning her 7 week old son onto formula. For some reason I really can't explain, aside from disappointment for them that they will miss out on a breastfeeding relationship and all the benefits, it hit me really hard, I rang my DH and burst into tears and without even thinking about it I blurted out "I would have breastfed our baby!!!" and just couldn't stop crying and saying it over and over. Which is stupid because it's not like I think because she's choosing not to breastfeed she doesn't deserve her son. And I have to remind myself all the time that she didn't get to have her son INSTEAD of me having mine. But it really really upset me.


I think the Christmas gift idea is really nice and I might do that! I seem to be stealing a lot of good remembrance ideas from you ladies!

As for being upset about your friend discontinuing nursing. I completely understand how you are feeling. My SIL had a baby 2 weeks b/f I lost my son and we could not parent any differently if we tried. She started feeding her 4 month old baby rice cereal and I lost my mind to my DH as well. I am trying to distance myself from all of it and remind myself that she can parent her children the way she wants to, despite any health risks (and there are many way beyond rice cereal). I need to continually re-focus my attention on myself and our loss and not project it onto others but that is a daily struggle.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Ugh. Tell me about it. I started my son on mashed bananas at 5 months. Soo wish I waited.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Bcblondie - I'm very sorry for your loss









MomtoJJ - I'm sorry about your brother's crappy and ill-timed announcement! DH's cousin (small family so they are all close) was due a day b/f me and had her baby the day after my son's due date. I honestly have no clue how to go about even wanting to meet that baby. Is that awful? I have zero interest in seeing her baby b/c I know every time I see her child all I will think is that my son should have been that age. Everyone else picks up and moves on but once you've lost a child there is no picking up and moving on. That loss is always right there.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Bc: I'm so sorry for your loss, but very glad that your waiting is finally over. The waiting was very, very bad for me, so I hope you can find the same peace that I found once it was over. Hugs to you, mama!

Mom to jj: I really feel for you right now. I'm glad to hear that you got to talk to your dad. It's nice to know that you have family members on your side, but you're right, they definitely should have given you a heads up or counseled your brother first.

Nicole: how nice that you got to visit your mom's grave. I think you're right about time being a healer, but it's so hard going through that journey. Glad to hear you're still going to the support group.

AFM: not much going on with me. I'm just kind of in limbo with my feelings. I still have moments where I think "I would have been 25 weeks now" and that makes me so sad. But mostly I'm getting through my days pretty well now. I just want to be pg again really bad. DH and I were talking yesterday about how ds will be a little older when we finally have our next child. He made the comment "can you imagine if you were getting ready to give birth again in a couple of months?". It felt like such a kick in the gut because OF COURSE I can imagine giving birth again! It's all I think about. I guess he's completely "over" our loss. I just don't get how men think.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Just a quick post. I passed the baby. Fully formed and in teh sac. Placenta attached. It was the most amazing thing...

I was thinking about you today. I'm so glad you got to see your baby, just like you wanted. I wish I had asked to see the gestational sac after my OB removed it...I think it would have been nice to at least be able to see it and say goodbye.







I hope you'll have peace and closure.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
MomtoJJ - I'm sorry about your brother's crappy and ill-timed announcement! DH's cousin (small family so they are all close) was due a day b/f me and had her baby the day after my son's due date. I honestly have no clue how to go about even wanting to meet that baby. Is that awful? I have zero interest in seeing her baby b/c I know every time I see her child all I will think is that my son should have been that age. Everyone else picks up and moves on but once you've lost a child there is no picking up and moving on. That loss is always right there.









It's not awful at all. I think that's a totally natural reaction. I'm so sorry. My SIL is due one month after my baby should have been born. I can't imagine how hard it would be with only one day's difference. I hope that your relatives are really understanding and able to give you as much space as you need until you're ready to meet their child.









AFM: Today was my first post-m/c day without any spotting or bleeding at all!







So of course today I decided that I don't want to wait one cycle to start trying again. Somebody talk some sense into me!! My OB said to wait one cycle so we'd be able to date the pregnancy. Is that really the only reason? Because I'm fully capable of determining my ovulation date and would be very confident dating the pregnancy myself if my OB can't figure out how my LMP could be August 20 if I didn't conceive until November.


----------



## javilu (Oct 20, 2007)

mom-to-jj it really is up to you. i don't know how far along you were, but with early losses, there's no generally recognized medical need to wait for an AF. i can say that i personally conceived right after my first M/C and went on to M/C again, but i'll never know if it was related. another lady on here (lokidoki) is also pregnant immediately following an M/C and she's feeling really confident about it, so i might just be unlucky.

i don't think dating reasons are that important either.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Bcblondie - I'm very sorry for your loss









Thanks.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *egmaranian* 
Bc: I'm so sorry for your loss, but very glad that your waiting is finally over. The waiting was very, very bad for me, so I hope you can find the same peace that I found once it was over. Hugs to you, mama!

AFM: not much going on with me. I'm just kind of in limbo with my feelings. I still have moments where I think "I would have been 25 weeks now" and that makes me so sad. But mostly I'm getting through my days pretty well now. I just want to be pg again really bad. DH and I were talking yesterday about how ds will be a little older when we finally have our next child. He made the comment "can you imagine if you were getting ready to give birth again in a couple of months?". It felt like such a kick in the gut because OF COURSE I can imagine giving birth again! It's all I think about. I guess he's completely "over" our loss. I just don't get how men think.

Thank you. It definately has helped bring closure. I feel very relieved that it's finally over. The wait was pure torcher.
Aww I'm sorry about DH. I'm sure he's not over it but they just don't think the same. I know my DH doesn't. But I know he's still very sad about the loss.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
I was thinking about you today. I'm so glad you got to see your baby, just like you wanted. I wish I had asked to see the gestational sac after my OB removed it...I think it would have been nice to at least be able to see it and say goodbye.







I hope you'll have peace and closure.

AFM: Today was my first post-m/c day without any spotting or bleeding at all!







So of course today I decided that I don't want to wait one cycle to start trying again. Somebody talk some sense into me!! My OB said to wait one cycle so we'd be able to date the pregnancy. Is that really the only reason? Because I'm fully capable of determining my ovulation date and would be very confident dating the pregnancy myself if my OB can't figure out how my LMP could be August 20 if I didn't conceive until November.









Yes it was amazing to see the baby. Purely fascinating. And definately helped bring closure.
I'm glad you've stopped bleeding. Mine is quite manageable already and barely any pain! I think that's a good sign.
I definately don't think you need to wait a cycle. Everywhere I read it says it's purely for dating purposes, and for healing for the mother. But they don't realize that getting pregnant again, or at least being able to try, will help us heal and move on. There is no increased risk of miscarriage due to getting pregnant again quickly. If the body is ready, you will get pregnant. If not, it might take a while. I say try. We're going to!

AFM. We still haven't buried the baby. He/she is still in a jar in our bathroom. THere doesn't seem to be any deterioration yet.
My midwife advised me today to call pathology directly, tomorrow. One last ditch effort to see if they'll test the placenta and maybe they'll want to look at the baby. So once I get directions from them on what to do, then we'll decide when to bury the baby. Tomorrow I'm sure, if pathology doesn't want to see. Until then, I've really appreciated this time I've had to sort of say goodbye I guess, and make this whole thing seem more real and tangible...

Not sure if I've said this already. But I have uploaded the pics of the baby to a private album. If anyone would like to see, I'm more than happy to share.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Just wanted to chuck my 2c in and say that I don't really think that you have to 'wait' just so your OB can work out your dates. If you keep track of your cycle, then you will know your dates anyway.

It's totally a personal thing, and yeah, some women find it very healing to try again ASAP. It's not so much a physical healing thing as an emotional healing. (Although that's a bit different for later losses).

If you are comfortable, I would go ahead - some women are hyper fertile after a loss too.
I would just keep in mind that it can be a pretty hormonal rollercoaster going from pregnant, to non pregnant, back to pregnant. It's not only tough for you, but also for your DH.
After my first loss, I waited (two cycles), mainly because I was having all the testing done, but also because I was terrified of not being able to handle another loss if I had one - which I did.

Blondie, I would be interested in seeing your pics if you are open to it.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get to see my baby with my first loss. I was too scared to look. Sad, but true.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Thanks for all the input. I feel sort of frantic to try again. It might all be a moot point, though, because DH is going hunting for six days in the middle of November, so I might have to wait anyway...

Can I just say that I HATE FACEBOOK. On Saturday, after my brother told our family that he and his wife are pregnant, my other brother posted "Happy news!







" I just wanted to reply, "No, happy news does not make someone feel hurt and humiliated and broken." And now today his status says, "What's with the babies? When I said you are all boring married people who need to get a life, I didn't mean that you need to create life. Get out of the house. See the world. Have fun." And my sister replied, "Thanks! 3 announcements from my FB friends in the last 48 hours. Be careful, people! At this rate, all of my FB friends will be pregnant by March."

Why are they doing this to me? Why, why, why? I am bawling just looking at their comments. I hate them for being so thoughtless and hurting me so deeply.







Stupid Facebook.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Mom to jj stay off facebook!! Ugh. No. I know you can't really avoid the world. But it's so hard to see. I know. People are insensitive.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Mom to jj stay off facebook!! Ugh. No. I know you can't really avoid the world. But it's so hard to see. I know. People are insensitive.









I sent by brother and sister a message about it. I'm going to wait to see if they reply, and then I'm quitting FB for a few weeks. I should have been making my 12-week announcement on Friday, and right now I don't want to see who else is due when I should have been.

And I would like to see the pictures of your precious little one, since you're willing to share.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'll pm you the pics.









I think that's good that you're saying something to them about it. I'm sure you're not the only one that's hurt by it.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Dh is outside digging the grave.







I'm so not ready for this... but we can't keep the baby in water forever.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh mom-to-jj that just sucks! I'm so sorry to hear that your family is being so insensitive. Facebook is so bad for this. People don't seem to get that they are basically standing in a room full of everyone on their friends lists and talking where everyone can hear and they say things in ways that they might not do in person. I hope they respond kindly.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

MomtoJJ - I had the same problem with FB. Still do. People were posting happy baby shower pictures of the cousins due around my due date. SIL was posting all kinds of pictures of her new baby. Everyone was all gushy over it all. Meanwhile I was sitting at home hemorrhaging, with a uterine infection and a dead son and everyone else just moved on after a virtual pat on the head. Stay away from FB. It is torturous. I had to take a short break or risk having a complete mental breakdown.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Paeta. I would love to do the same. Stay offline completely, even. But part of the problem is that half my support is also coming from online. So it's like a catch 22... Go online for support... and distraction (because sitting at home all day is hard too) but if I go online I might see pics of my friend's baby who was born the day after we found out our baby died... things like that. Sigh.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Dh is outside digging the grave.







I'm so not ready for this... but we can't keep the baby in water forever.









Thinking of you...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristaDJ* 
Oh mom-to-jj that just sucks! I'm so sorry to hear that your family is being so insensitive. Facebook is so bad for this. People don't seem to get that they are basically standing in a room full of everyone on their friends lists and talking where everyone can hear and they say things in ways that they might not do in person. I hope they respond kindly.

Well, they didn't respond at all. We're all good friends (or I thought we were), so I just can't believe they'd let the whole day go by without acknowledging what I said. I am more hurt by that than by their initial comments. At the very end of my message, I asked them to do one thing: "Please just tell me that you love me and that you care. Please." Nothing. From either of them. I feel like I lost my baby and my siblings, too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
MomtoJJ - I had the same problem with FB. Still do. People were posting happy baby shower pictures of the cousins due around my due date. SIL was posting all kinds of pictures of her new baby. Everyone was all gushy over it all. Meanwhile I was sitting at home hemorrhaging, with a uterine infection and a dead son and everyone else just moved on after a virtual pat on the head. Stay away from FB. It is torturous. I had to take a short break or risk having a complete mental breakdown.









I'm so sorry. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I posted belly shots, and after she was born I put up newborn pics. I never, ever thought that those things might hurt someone. I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience, too.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 







Thinking of you...

I'm so sorry. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I posted belly shots, and after she was born I put up newborn pics. I never, ever thought that those things might hurt someone. I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience, too.









I did the same. The thing is... I have literally 400 friends on my facebook. (half of them are forum friends) so lots of mamas... I can't possibly avoiding posting pics of my pregnancy or birth just becuase someone had a loss.. because there's ALWAYS someone i know that's recently had a loss. Right now I know several right off the top of my head. So I understand when they post pics. Its their child! It's exciting! But it's still hard for us.
Worse comes to worse, you can "hide" the person until you're ready to see their updates.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 
Worse comes to worse, you can "hide" the person until you're ready to see their updates.









I wish I could hide the person IRL.







She's coming up for Christmas, and I don't know how I'll handle being around her knowing she's pregnant and I'm empty.


----------



## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

If you're a loser like me though, you "hide" the person on FB, and then continuously check their page anyway.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Lol milkshake. I delete people as friends and then check their page anyways LOL. I suck at life.

Mom to jj. That's going to be hard. Hopefully she's aware of how hard that's going to be for you and doens't rub it in too much.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh. AFM. We just burried our baby. We decided on a name. Sydney. Fairly unisex. But I think I'm going to refer to him as a him.
It was so hard. I read a Bible passage and prayed. We both bawled through the whole thing. But I feel better than I thought I would. It feels more humane than having him in a jar in my bathroom...


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj* 
Well, they didn't respond at all. We're all good friends (or I thought we were), so I just can't believe they'd let the whole day go by without acknowledging what I said. I am more hurt by that than by their initial comments. At the very end of my message, I asked them to do one thing: "Please just tell me that you love me and that you care. Please." Nothing. From either of them. I feel like I lost my baby and my siblings, too.

I am so sorry. Hopefully they just feel stupid and are trying to think of what to say.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Um. Holy crap! We're back online? It's so different!!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

yeah, I don't like this new set up at all. but I really don't like change so that could be a part of it. I can't figure out how to fix my siggy and it is all messed up plus most of the smileys are missing.

BC- glad you got some closure, sydney is a perfect name! My first 2 losses we did not know the sex so we named them Sam and Morgan. It really helps to have a name to refer to.

AFM- I was doing better in the sleep department but am not sleeping again. I toss and turn all night and am having nightmares (basically just reliving my experience with Emerics death/birth over and over again) Then I wake up sore and tired. Tuesday it was 3 months since I had Emeric and that hit me really hard. I could function but not well. This entire experience just sucks!


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> Oh. AFM. We just burried our baby. We decided on a name. Sydney. Fairly unisex. But I think I'm going to refer to him as a him.
> It was so hard. I read a Bible passage and prayed. We both bawled through the whole thing. But I feel better than I thought I would. It feels more humane than having him in a jar in my bathroom...












Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Thank you! I finally heard from both of them, and they have been very sweet and loving. I guess the emotions of the moment overwhelmed me.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> Um. Holy crap! We're back online? It's so different!!


I'm not sure I like it yet. Is it just me, or are a lot of the smileys gone?

AFM: I named my baby. I've decided it was a boy, and his name is Brennan because it means "sorrow. My little blighted ovum I named Ashlyn because it means "dream." Right before I started bleeding and lost her, I had a dream that my baby was born too early, and she was so small that I put her in a coffee cup and carried her around with me. Anyways, I think it would be nice to refer to my children by names instead of calling them "losses" or "miscarriages". They were my babies, and I loved them. Someday, when I meet them in heaven, I'd like to be able to know them by their names.

Something sad happened this morning. For the past several days, I've felt like I had clogged milk ducts...not surprising since I had to stop nursing my DD when I took the Mifeprex/Misoprostol, but my supply stopped so quickly when I weaned her that I haven't even pumped in over a week and had no engorgement or discomfort. So today I got out my pump to see if I could get those little hard knots of pain to go away, and what I pumped was yellow colostrum. For a new baby. I got in the shower and expressed as much as I could, and I felt like even my breasts were crying for Brennan.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> yeah, I don't like this new set up at all. but I really don't like change so that could be a part of it. I can't figure out how to fix my siggy and it is all messed up plus most of the smileys are missing.


I was going to use a "Yeah, that!" smiley, but it's missing!

I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping. It's especially hard when there are other little people depending on you for their care. The last week, I just sit up crying until 1:30 a.m. so that I'm actually tired enough to fall asleep, and then my kids are up 5 hours later. Hopefully this is a temporary disturbance caused by your big milestone.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


See, I understand when you have that many friends and it is aquaintances or long lost friends. What I don't understand is when it is close family ...like siblings and close cousins. I understand they are happy but some sensitivity about our loss would go a long way. Especially when someone you don't expect (an attendee at the baby shower) posts pictures so you haven't blocked them and then wham there they are ...the new baby and two more happy pregnant women when my son died a month ago. Thanks. I don't expect people to stop their lives for me, but I have expected sensitivity and gotten none.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I am so sorry that happened

I am curious as to why you had to wean for misoprostol? No one told me that. It is listed as moderately safe in dr hales medications and mothers milk 2004. I didn't even think to look until now though. When I took misoprostol my mw inserted it vaginally. Did you take it orally? I am not trying to judge in any way I am just curious as to what the reasoning was.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> I had to stop nursing my DD when I took the Mifeprex/Misoprostol


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I am so sorry that happened
> 
> I am curious as to why you had to wean for misoprostol? No one told me that. It is listed as moderately safe in dr hales medications and mothers milk 2004. I didn't even think to look until now though. When I took misoprostol my mw inserted it vaginally. Did you take it orally? I am not trying to judge in any way I am just curious as to what the reasoning was.


My OB looked it up online, and he said it was listed as being not safe in breastmilk, which he said meant there hadn't been adequate studies done. I had the first dose of Mifeprex orally, and the Misoprostol vaginally the next day. After that first dose of Mifeprex, he said to pump and dump for a whole week. Since I was almost ready to wean her anyway (she's over a year old now), I thought it would be cruel to force her to wean for a week, then come back and start nursing again for a while, and then wean her again. I could just see that second weaning being terrible.

You're not the first person who said they kept nursing after the Misoprostol. I don't know why there is conflicting information on these drugs. Honestly, it was worse to hear my daughter crying for me and being unable to nurse her than it was to actually miscarry. It still hurts to give her a bottle and wish I could nurse her instead. I feel guilty...guilty that I put my own desire to not be carrying around a dead baby ahead of my daughter's need to be nursed and comforted by her mommy.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

momtojj- thanks for answering my question, that makes since. Unfortunately there is always questions about breastmilk and medications. I have dr hales medications and mothers milk and have found it to be a good resource. I can see how if you were about ready to wean anyways then that totally makes since to just go ahead. My dd was 20 months at the time of my loss and we typically don't wean until 3 or 3 1/2. I think the older the child is the less likely they are to have complications/reactions from medications in breastmilk. I didn't do the mifiprex (I don't know what that is). I was just confused bcs neither my dr or my mw mentioned needing to wean or even that there was a danger so it didn't even occur to me that it might not be safe.

Please don't feel guilty. Being a walking tomb screws you up emotionally and I certainly don't judge you for that at all.

Sorry you are dealing with this loss and hope you are starting to be able to move forward now that you have finally m/c.

AFM- I am not doing well right now. It is sooooo frustrating. I was starting to sleep a little better on occasion but that has gone out the window. My anxiety is back, I am having nightmares regularly (basically reliving his birth/death over and over again), and am crying all the time. This just sucks. It has been 3 months 3 whole entire MONTHS and the world just goes right on without him.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole, have you tried melatonin to help you sleep? I've been taking that on the nights that hubby falls asleep before me so that I'm not lying there awake alone, it helps. I also took motherwort tincture after my last pregnancy when I would get anxiety and always right before bed, it helped at TON. I didn't take it according to the bottle's instructions though, I used it like susun weed says: http://www.susunweed.com/An_Article_Fear_AW1.htm

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

*theboysmama*~ I'm sorry. It really sucks to feel like the world has moved on without your dear boy in it. I am sure that more people than you know think about him and you, and even though life does go on, it doesn't mean Emeric has been forgotten or is not missed.









*bcblondie*~ How are you doing? I've been thinking about you!

*AFM*: I think my hormone crash is starting to level off. It's been two days since I've cried. I guess it lasted almost a week, but I still think I might have gotten through it without much difficulty if my brother hadn't called just when he did to announce their pregnancy. He called me again two days ago to get my advice on a glider for their nursery. Seriously...she's not even 8 weeks pg. Do we have to talk about this NOW?! I am past the weepy emotional stuff, and now I am just angry and bitter and jealous. I hate feeling this mean.

I've been taking HPTs for the last week, and they are definitely a lot lighter. Yay! But it also feels sad and pathetic to be hoping for a BFN.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> yeah, I don't like this new set up at all. but I really don't like change so that could be a part of it. I can't figure out how to fix my siggy and it is all messed up plus most of the smileys are missing.
> 
> ...


so far I don't mind the change. Just trying to figure eveyrthing out still.

Sorry about your nightmares. :'( Have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? That could help a lot. It could actually be very healing. Once you realize you're dreaming you can change your dream to whatever you want. You could make yourself still be pregnant, or hold him, alive. It feels as real as real could be... I've done it.. (not with babyloss but other nightmares)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I don't use the smilies much. I use quick reply.

I'm so sorry about teh colostrum. 

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I can definately understand that. :hugs One of my best friends had her baby teh day after we found out ours died. There are pictures everywhere. 

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> *theboysmama*~ I'm sorry. It really sucks to feel like the world has moved on without your dear boy in it. I am sure that more people than you know think about him and you, and even though life does go on, it doesn't mean Emeric has been forgotten or is not missed.
> 
> ...


I've been ok I guess. Starting to feel that hormone crash sadness.  My tests are light too. Around 11dpo darkness..

Tell your brother to wait a bit on the glider... Maybe that'll make you feel better. lol. And maybe tell him to refer future questions to other mommies.

I'm definately feeling jealous too.  It sucks so much.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

> Quote:
> 
> 
> > Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> ...


I'm so glad they responded with love mama. And I am so sorry about the colostrum. My milk turned to colostrum right after my baby died and it's now turning back into milk. It's so hard.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Just have to vent. $1,100. That is the sum total of the bills I got today from just the 2nd OB I saw for the miscarriage. That's the charge for two office visits, two ultrasounds performed in that small office, one Mifeprex tablet, 4 Misoprostol tabs, and a Rhogham shot. It only cost me about $1,800 to have a healthy baby last year. I just feel sick. Maybe I should have waited it out. I just couldn't handle carrying around a dead baby any more. I guess if I had known how much it would cost, I might have toughed it out a while longer.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

wow mom to jj I am so very sorry that is just rubbing salt in the wounds. Did you not have any insurance? I am from the strong belief that if you don't get the product you want (like when you order something from a catalogue) that you should get a refund. I have a fb friend whose baby died while she was in labor at 41wks and the hospital was sending her bills less than 2 wks from his death. They hadn't even bothered the bill the insurance first. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. That is absolutely ridiculous!


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

I do have insurance, but we're on an HSA with a $5,000 deductible. We weren't planning to lose a baby this year.







We got an "insurance discount" for most of the services, but we pay everything else. They did charge me $145 for the Mifeprex/Misoprostol because the Mifeprex is not covered under my plan. !!!!! I suppose my insurance company would have preferred me to have a D&C than to take a pill to expel my dead baby?!? It truly sucks that any woman who loses a dearly wanted baby has to see this drug billed as an abortion drug. Can't they offer it under a different name for missed miscarriages?


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Wow mom-to-jj, that is just horrible! I'm sorry you have those bills to deal with on top of your grief!!


----------



## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

Wow mom-to-jj, that is just horrible!









I recently had my 2nd missed miscarriage, my best friend found out she was pregnant also and we would have been due around the same time. I'm so upset that baby took us 3 years to get pregnant with and said friend wasn't trying to get pregnant ,they didn't want another kid her 2nd is a little over 1yr old, has major health problems and the baby she is pregnant with has a 50/50 chance of having those same health problems. We are actually moving and we be not far from where she lives now so i will be seeing her more often now. ugg life isnt fair


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SoCaliMommy*
> 
> I recently had my 2nd missed miscarriage, my best friend found out she was pregnant also and we would have been due around the same time. I'm so upset that baby took us 3 years to get pregnant with and said friend wasn't trying to get pregnant ,they didn't want another kid her 2nd is a little over 1yr old, has major health problems and the baby she is pregnant with has a 50/50 chance of having those same health problems. We are actually moving and we be not far from where she lives now so i will be seeing her more often now. ugg life isnt fair


I am so sorry. You're right, it isn't fair at all.


----------



## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*mom-to-jj ~* Thanks for the


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry mom to jj.

In their defence. Our understanding of the word abortion is wrong. Abortion just means the end to a pregnancy. A spontaneous abortion is when it happens on it's own. An elective abortion is when someone choses to end a pregnancy. But it got shorted down to just "abortion" because the other type is more commonly refered to as miscarriage. So the medical term abortion is correct. It's just our accociation with it that's hard. :hug


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I went to a scrapbooking group today with my SHARE group. It was awesome! I got 2 pages done for Emeric that will go in the group book. It was healing to talk, work on the pages, etc. Having him in the book made him real to me. Now I get to share him w/ everyone that comes to the meetings. It was a good day.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


----------



## dfunk98 (Jul 14, 2005)

I am having a total s**t day. make that a total s**t week. My DH is just a total jerk. I yelled at him in front of my kids which made me want to (and eventually, I did) cry. I have had enough and I finally told him so tonight. I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. I have been working so hard to be the person he wants me to be. Someone that could make him happy, but he is just a miserable person, and I'm miserable when I'm with him. I've been trying to "lighten his load" and do things to make him happy in the hopes he will make me happy and say we could try to have another baby. But I just don't want a baby with him anymore. I see him with our kids and he just doesn't seem to enjoy them. I think he likes being a father, in theory, but doesn't want to have to do any real work. For awhile, i didn't really care. I want to be emotional-not logical. I want another baby, pure and simple. I didn't really care if my dh wanted one, I wanted him to want to make me happy. Now I realize my child(ren) deserve a better father. Someone who is devoted to them. Just like I deserve someone to be devoted to me. That's what I am searching for now.

oh, and i hate this new mdc setup, too!!


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Hi all,

I haven't been around for a while because I've been focusing on TTC. But I've still been lurking because ! care a lot about all of you ladies and this thread really helped me through my darkest days and weeks following my loss.









I have something on my mind and I think this is the best place to get it out there. My DH was against naming our lost baby for reasons that I didn't support. I went along with his wishes because I wasn't in a frame of mind to argue, but it has really been weighing my down all these months that my baby is out there in the universe, nameless. I've been thinking that I would go ahead a name the baby anyway, even if it's just for me to know about. The problem is that I don't know the gender of the baby and I've been trying to come up with a gender-neutral name that I felt would be a name that I would actually want for one of my children. It's been hard and I've spent weeks thinking about it to no avail. Finally, last night I was reading a book while the rest of my family was sleeping and a name finally occurred to me--Aiden. It just felt right the moment I said it out loud. I am convinced that this is my baby's name.

Now my problem is that I don't know if I should mention it to DH or not. We haven't spoken about the loss in a couple of months, and I know that he is "over" it and probably never even gives it another thought. In contrast, I think about the loss and my baby every single day and he has no idea. Last time I tried to bring up something about my m/c, he literally ignored me and started talking about a completely different subject. I'm sure he'll think I'm crazy if I tell him after all this time that I named our dead baby, but I feel really bad keeping it from him at the same time. After all, it was his child too, even if he doesn't acknowledge that it was even a baby yet.

On the other hand, he surprises me sometimes when I least expect it. I was scared to death to tell him that I wanted to go to our local Walk to Remember ceremony and when I finally got up the courage to tell him I was going, he said he wanted to go with me (shocked!). After the ceremony, he thanked me for letting him come and said he really thought it was a nice memorial. So I just don't know what to do. I don't want to start up an argument with him over the name. Or worse yet, have him belittle my feelings (which is more likely) and feel stupid for thinking about this still.

I love my husband. He is a good man and a wonderful father to our DS. I just wish we were on the same page regarding our loss and I don't know what to do.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

nicole!! I love scrapbooking!

Danielle I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Dh needs to get his act togeher for sure. But I have the same thing, even when we're fighting, I still have this primal urge to have another baby.

Erica I think it's GREAT that you named your baby. Aiden is a beautiful name. I think for now I'd keep it to myself. Maybe one day you'll feel a window of opportunity where you can tell him and not be judged for it.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Peice of crap computer! I had a big thing typed out and it deleted it

I wanted to say that my bleeding seems to have stopped. I hope it's for real. This is the first time in like 3 weeks I've gone to the bathroom and not seen blood.

I'm hoping this is the end of that and I O in a week or so. That would be nice.

Also, I've changed my eating habits for the better. My whole mindset about food. I've lost a lot of bloat and gained a lot of energy. Not to mention how much better my moods are. I'm really happy about that.


----------



## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Thanks, BC. I think you're right. I don't want it to lose the meaning it holds for me by whatever crass judgement my DH will inevitably impose.

I'm glad your bleeding has stopped. It seemed to take forever for me, and I had a D & C. I'm sure it's never ending with a natural m/c.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> nicole!! I love scrapbooking!
> 
> ...


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

danielle- I am so sorry that you are struggling in your marriage right now. Dh and I have really struggled since this loss and mostly bcs I really wanted another baby and he was done. We are settling into things but it has been a really hard process. Big hugs to you.

Erica- I think Aiden is a lovely name. It sounds like your dh is really struggling with the loss still and doesn't know how to deal with it. When i mention it my dh will change the subject. Finally I told him that really hurts me when he does that and he said I just can't talk about it bcs it makes me too sad. Knowing why he couldn't talk helped me to understand it wasn't about me or that he isn't grieving our son, he is he just does it differently than me. That being said i think it would be good to mention that it is important to you to name the baby and it will help you to heal. State that you know he disagrees with naming the baby but you really feel it is something you need to do. Ask if you can just go ahead and pick a name as you have one in mind or if he would like to be a part of the process. I think that would be the best way of going about it.

Bc- hope the bleeding is done for good.

I love scrapbooking but haven't done it for years. I have just been so busy. It was really neat to be able to do something in memory of Emeric and to have it in the group book is just really special to me. I think I will scrapbook him a book to keep here at the house. I have tons of pics of the funeral and a few decent pics of him. I really really wish we had gotten foot prints, weight and height measurements, and a family photo but at least we have some pics of him.

AFM- Went to the cemetary today and it was a nice visit. I have started getting out on my own and whoever wants to can get out or stay in the car, I don't take it personally. Turns out most people get out of the car when they feel it is their choice. last wk it looked like there was a new "resident" in the angel garden but there wasn't a brick yet. Today the brick was there and there was another baby. 2 babies in 2 wks. Those are the first babies since Emeric died in august. It is really sad to see someone new.  and even worse that there were 2 of them.

On friday hobby lobby was having a sale on a lot of their x-mas decorations and I got a table topper tree and tons of ornaments for it plus some scrapbooking stuff and only spent $19. We are going to go to the cemetary a wk or 2 into dec. and bring hot cocoa and decorate the little tree for emeric. I think it will be a fun activity and will look great.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Thanks Erica. 

I do think it has stopped for good. We BD'd last night and I thought it would make me at least spot a little, but nothing. 

Nicole that's great. Maybe it'll get you back into scrapbooking in general too. I have been. It's been really thereputic. It's something to be excited about, each new page. 

So sad about the 2 new babies. 

You got a good deal on the christmas decorations. I'm sure the tree will look great.


----------



## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

SoCaliMommy: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm crying right now for you. this just sucks.

I'm dreading Thanksgiving now. I wasn't before, but now with my family laying on the guilt (I haven't even gotten there yet!) and my sister hugely pregnant, I don't know. My mom doesn't even know about my 2nd loss. My sister's laying on the guilt to stay at her place but DH and I would rather stay at my parents - we're more comfortable there and want dd to have special g-ma and g-pa time. But my sis is hosting thanksgiving and feels like I'm now dividing the family to go back to my parents b/c we both have small children and we're pretty much tied to their schedules. Now my dad is chiming in with the guilt too b/c my mom recently had foot surgery and she overworks herself and is now suggesting that my staying there will be a burden for her. I can't talk to dh about this b/c he already has so many issues with my fam and if I did he would be really angry at them and I just can't handle it. ugh. Why does family stuff have to be so miserable? What's the f-ing big deal?


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm sorry wendy. That really sucks. I'd stay with your parents and do whatever makes you most comfortable. Life is uncomfortable enough.

AFM. I did bleed some today. I blame the BDing. In which case, totally worth it. lol.


----------



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

We visited my inlaws on Saturday for the first time after my miscarriage (it's my husband's mother, and his sister & her husband).

The last time I had a miscarriage they were insensitive and ignored it, but it was an earlier miscarriage, and I expected something different this time because they knew I was expecting twins and they were excited about it...

... but it was absolutely awful. Nobody mentioned it, nobody asked me how I was, nobody could say "I'm sorry for your loss", nothing! And to rub salt into the wound, my sister-in-law kept talking about having to see the doctor about her hand hurting, and brother-in-law made a big fuss of her, saying "don't do cooking today, you must rest, you're supposed to be poorly".

Are you kidding me?! I've just had traumatic surgery with a blood transfusion after my babies died!

I ended up walking out without saying goodbye, and I feel as though I can't / don't want to go there again until and unless something is said, otherwise I would just feel angry and bitter around them.

What would you do? Am I wrong to feel this way?


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Shoshana I understand. I personally would have probably still said goodbye. lol. But if you didn't want to you don't have to! People are so insensitive.

AFM. 2 days ago I found out a close friend of ours is pg. (DH's best friend and his wife.) I'm happy for them becuase she has messed up cycles too. But I'm sad for me

Then today I was suposed to go to the club with a friend to get my mind off everything. Guess what. She's pregnant. She said we could still go but it's no fun drinking alone. We'll probably do a movie instead or something but I'm just really bummed that my plans to distract me from teh miscarriage got cancelled because of a pregnancy.

This friend was also due just a few weeks behind me with DS and it was so fun being pg with her. We would have been in the exact same situation again had I not lost the baby. I know I could get pg in the next few cycles and still be pg with her. But I'm still sad.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Shoshana that is horrible! I would tell my hubby and have him let them know that you are really hurting and that their ignoring it made you feel like crap. They are his family and he should deal with it. It sounds like they probably just don't think it's a big deal and a good talking to from DH should help them to see.







I hope you get the support you need and deserve from them.

Blondie I hope you are pg soon.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> Then today I was suposed to go to the club with a friend to get my mind off everything. Guess what. She's pregnant. She said we could still go but it's no fun drinking alone. We'll probably do a movie instead or something but I'm just really bummed that my plans to distract me from teh miscarriage got cancelled because of a pregnancy.
> 
> This friend was also due just a few weeks behind me with DS and it was so fun being pg with her. We would have been in the exact same situation again had I not lost the baby. I know I could get pg in the next few cycles and still be pg with her. But I'm still sad.


Oh man, I hear you! I now have THREE good friends (inc. my SIL) pregnant and due within a month of my now-irrelevant due date. It is so disappointing to be left out of that little club. I'm so sorry you're in the same situation.

I almost got a BFN today, 25 days post-miscarriage. But right after I dipped the pee stick, I dropped it in a puddle of water in the sink. So when it came up a stark negative, I couldn't exactly trust it. Hopefully tomorrow morning I'll finally get my BFN and then we can start trying again. The thing is, although I'm dying to be pregnant, I am utterly terrified. I always wanted four kids, but now I am thinking that if I can just get pregnant once more with a healthy baby, maybe I should call it quits at three kids. I don't know how many times my heart can be broken. I'm not a risk taker, and every time I get a BFP, the first eight weeks are a torture of fear and doubt, culminating in either joy or grief. I hate the emotional ups and downs, I hate that I can't just get pregnant and be happy about it. None of this is what I thought it would be when I planned to have babies. This weekend I watched a stupid movie where a woman gets pregnant and goes for an u/s at 8 weeks, and there IS A BABY IN THERE. I was rolling my eyes and going, "Oh, puh-leeze! This movie is SOOOO unrealisitic." I am really jealous that I can't be that woman...


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I hear ya. I watched knocked up a while back and she has sex and then 8 weeks later she realizes she missed a couple periods. Gets an ultrasound and she's 8 weeks pg. Uh no. You'd be 10 weeks pg Maybe 9.5.

Stupid movies.

Stupid fertile people with sticky beans.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

So just wanted to let u ladies know we passed our baby today at 8 wks. In ob triage waiting to see if I passed everything. Will post more when back at a real computer. I can't do this anymore!


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh I'm so sorry nicole.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh Nicole I'm so sorry









I hope the worst is over physically


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Nicole,

I am so very sorry. I know there aren't any words that can help at this time. I just wanted you to know that we share your sorrow at this loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

here's our story

Quote:


> Well here I am again having to sit down and type yet another story of another one of my babies that has gone to soon. In August we buried our son Emeric and were devastated. I knew there was someone missing from our family. After a great deal of effort I was able to convince my husband that we could try again. In October we went to Las Vegas to celebrate our 9th anniversary. Two weeks later received a positive pregnancy test. Although I was scared to death I was thrilled at the possibility of finally completing our family.
> 
> Nausea started immediately and the pregnancy appeared to be progressing just as it should. My belly even started to bulge a bit (which is not surprising as this was my 8th pregnancy). On wed. 11/24/10 (the day before Thanksgiving) I started bleeding bright red. I was terrified and sure that I had lost my little one. My Dr. and his awesome nurse kept the clinic open late and I rushed in. My husband met me there with all of the kiddos and we did an ultrasound. I was terrified as I climbed up onto the table. The dr. looked at everything then flipped the screen to me and asked if I wanted to see the heartbeat. It was amazing to see that little flutter. It was still disconcerting that I was bleeding but it gave me hope. My husband decided to name the baby pepper as I had a uti that had caused burning like when you eat hot peppers and I liked the idea because it looked like salt and pepper on the ultrasound. I headed home to rest. The bleeding continued and didn't get any worse or any better. I spent most of Thanksgiving day in bed. It was so hard because I was so worried about the baby. Friday morning I went to I scream Ice Cream to celebrate my two youngest's birthdays. I stayed put but things just didn't feel right. Headed home afterwards to rest.
> 
> ...


 Oh I just don't know if I can make it through this. It was like adding salt into an already open wound. I am devistated.


----------



## Michaels-Mommy (Jan 9, 2007)

Big HUGS to all of you!

I am waiting to miscarry. I had a appt yesterday, we could not find a hb, u/s showed no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks, I'm almost 14 weeks. God has really been with me on this one, my dh NEVER comes with me to appts but I asked him to come to this one. I just had a feeling that I needed him there, my kids were with us for it all too and have handled it pretty good. I thought I wanted to wait and let nature take it's course but I am starting to think otherwise. My birthday is two weeks from today and dh's work Christmas party is in a week among all the other Christmas things going on soon. I have two wonderful children and that is really helping me this time. My very first pregnancy also ended in mc, it was a early one though. ETA: I saw the babies hb at 6 weeks, and had morning sickness. These things will never give me comfort in pregnancy again, I hate that.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry Michael's mommy







I just waited 4weeks to birth my baby that died at 16w4ds; it was torture at times and I finally lost her the day before my anniversary. You are probably very close to birthing this baby on your own but I sure wouldn't blame you for getting some miso and speeding things up to avoid the upcoming dates.


----------



## Want2bmomagain (Nov 29, 2010)

Hi all. I have been searching for a week for a support group or chat room on line to get my thoughts out. My husband is very supportive and my family is too, but who better to vent to than women who have or are experiencing this horrible, tragic event. I have experienced two miscarriages in 3.5 months. I am wondering why of course, because I have a happy and healthy girl who will be 4 in April 2011. My labor and delivery was 12 hours long with fourth degree tears 3.5 inches into my bowel. I barely got to hold her after she was born because some severe surgery was in order.







Afterwords I was incontinent of stool, didn't heal properly, etc. and suffered from some pretty scarey post-pardum depression. Could it be happening because of inner scarring of my cervix or uterus?

I am no doctor or specialist but there has got to be an explanation for it, right? Perhaps, my age? I'm 36 and want to experience the feeling of another being inside of me again and I am yearning to breastfeed again also. I just loved it, after we both caught on to it that is.







Anyway, I'm confused, scared, angry, sad and the list could go on.

The first miscarriage ended in hemorrhaging and a D&C and the second was a little calmer as my body was able to rid of the sac on its own. Although, as of right now I still need to return to the hospital for follow-up blood work to make sure my Hcg numbers have dropped to zero.

I would love for anyone with advice or experiences to share to contact me ASAP.

I was also wondering what anyone knows about hormone therapy. Perhaps that is the culprit...... the unknown is the worst.









Thank you all.

Happy but confused mom of one.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I am so sorry
















It's really impossible to say what the cause is but it's really unlikely that the tearing during birth would scar your uterus. It's possible that the cervix tore and it scarred but that is rarely an issue and not really connected with miscarriage. How far along were your losses? D&C's can cause uterine scaring, as can IUD's. Hormones can certainly help women who are deficient. Low progesterone is a common cause of chemical pregnancies and early miscarriage. Thyroid problems can also cause miscarriage.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry want2bmomagain.  It's so hard.

I really doubt very much that there is scarring on your uterus from the birth... maaaybe from the d&c but even then I'm sure it's minor and not the cause of the second loss. It's very very common that something is simply wrong with the baby. That is what I believe caused my 2 losses. (especially since I can see the defect in the baby with my second loss.)

It's very common, and very rarely a genetic thing. So I have lots of hope that both of us will be pg soon with a sticky bean. 

AFM. I only spotted a little yesterday so we bded. No spotting today so I'm happy about that. But I know it could start again. Yesterday was 3 weeks since I passed the baby, so I hope it's done now. I'm really hoping I ovulate soon. I kinda wish my opks would hurry and get here but at the same time, relaxing about it is nice too.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I took the week off of work and am planning to go purchase tons of plastic bins today and am going to get all of the baby stuff into a storage unit. This sucks and I am not looking forward to it. It is going to be really really hard!!! My bleeding seems to be slowing down a bit, hopefully the physical part will be over soon. I really just can't believe that I am going through this again. I am heartbroken







. My dr suggested recurrent loss testing and since I have insurance that will cover it we are going to go ahead and do it. He said to wait at least 6wks so that is the plan. I really don't think they will find anything as I don't feel that my losses aren't related but I could be wrong. I have to call WIC and recertify as a pp woman yet again. I was just in there 2 wks ago. This is getting rediculous! I am going to get pepper's pics developed today so that I can finish my scrapbook page for my SHARE group. I did a double page for Emeric a few wks ago but hadn't done anything for my early losses. Since losing pepper I deceided that I wanted to include all of my angels in the book so I am doing one page for my littlest angels. I am almost done I just need to add the pic of pepper and the pic of the burial and the page will be complete. Then I can take it to the meeting on thursday night. It is a special holiday meeting where there is a candle lighting and stuff. It should be a good one. I really hope I can make it through all of this it just seems so overwhelming right now.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Want2bmomagain*
> 
> I am no doctor or specialist but there has got to be an explanation for it, right?


I think this is one of the most frustrating things...sometimes there really isn't an explanation. It would feel better if there was. So far what I've gotten from my doctors are: "It's just random bad luck, better luck next time," and "Most 1st trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus that strike at random and are totally unpreventable." I feel like if there was a reason, I could do something to prevent it from happening again. But I am helpless against random bad luck. I'm sorry you're here dealing with this, too. Better luck to all of us next time!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> AFM. I only spotted a little yesterday so we bded. No spotting today so I'm happy about that. But I know it could start again. Yesterday was 3 weeks since I passed the baby, so I hope it's done now. I'm really hoping I ovulate soon. I kinda wish my opks would hurry and get here but at the same time, relaxing about it is nice too.


Do you mind me asking if you're going to TTC again right away? I'm going back and forth with whether to wait for one AF or not. So far we've been BD'ing for weeks and are not using protection. I'm kind of scared of getting pg right away, but I can't bring myself to not try, however halfheartedly...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I took the week off of work and am planning to go purchase tons of plastic bins today and am going to get all of the baby stuff into a storage unit. This sucks and I am not looking forward to it. It is going to be really really hard!!! My bleeding seems to be slowing down a bit, hopefully the physical part will be over soon. I really just can't believe that I am going through this again. I am heartbroken
> 
> ...










I am so sorry. Packing baby stuff away totally sucks. I hope that the scrapbook pages for your early losses will be healing for you. I did a page for my first miscarriage, a blighted ovum that I lost at 8 weeks. It was just a picture of me at 5 weeks pg, with the baby's name and dates of conception and loss on the side. Then I did a vellum overlay to make the whole page look distant and hazy. Somehow the page made me feel like my loss was legitimate, since my stupid doctor had told us there was "never" a baby there and sometimes when I was bawling my DH would say, "It's not like you were really pregnant."


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I took the week off of work and am planning to go purchase tons of plastic bins today and am going to get all of the baby stuff into a storage unit. This sucks and I am not looking forward to it. It is going to be really really hard!!! My bleeding seems to be slowing down a bit, hopefully the physical part will be over soon. I really just can't believe that I am going through this again. I am heartbroken
> 
> ...


 I hope you get some answers with the testing. Either way it'll be good to know. You're probably right and they're unrelated, as I think mine are. But it'll be good to have that confirmed.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Ok what the heck. stupid site.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lillbjorne*
> 
> We visited my inlaws on Saturday for the first time after my miscarriage (it's my husband's mother, and his sister & her husband).
> 
> ...


I got so tired of people being insensitive that now I am honest with everyone...sometimes brutally so. I figure if I don't tell people what I need from them and how insensitive they are being then they are never going to change. I had it out with my SIL about a month after I lost my son and she asked to borrow my baby things. Since then, I have just told people exactly how I am feeling and why. I see people cringe when I say "I wish so and so would stop complaining about being sick for 9 months. At least her baby is still alive! I was sick for 5.5 months and my baby died." Honestly, I just don't care what people think...this is my life right now and if they don't want to hear how it really is, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Just my opinion...based on many months of frustration.

TBM - I am very sorry for your loss again! So very sorry.

Michael's Mommy - I'm very sorry for your loss!

I wish I had advice for everyone, I'm sorry for all the new losses and heartache!

AFM: I am just muddling through. With AF arriving last week, I am kind of at my wit's end. I am only 3 months into TTC and I am sick of it. I try to focus on positive things...like, at least I am not throwing up multiple times a day right now and at least I can thoroughly enjoy myself on my vacation in a couple of weeks. Still, TTC is always there in the back of my mind.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Paeta ,I hear you. I really hope it only takes me a month or 2 because I don't think I could deal with infertility after this miscarriage as well.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Paeta I had someone do that to me too! It was few months after I lost my son and I was pregnant again. My friend asked me if I had any girls clothes I could give her. I felt like she was saying that I didn't need them because my baby wouldn't live anyway. I don't know why people do things like that; I wish I had told her how much that hurt.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> Paeta I had someone do that to me too! It was few months after I lost my son and I was pregnant again. My friend asked me if I had any girls clothes I could give her. I felt like she was saying that I didn't need them because my baby wouldn't live anyway. I don't know why people do things like that; I wish I had told her how much that hurt.


What the heck?!?!


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

i had someone ask for my baby car seat. Emeric had only been gone about 8 wks. Looks like I won't be using it after all







but it still sucked!

AFM-Purchased storage bins today and am planning on packing up the baby stuff tomorrow. This really really sucks but I need to get it out of here or I am going to go insane.

Why must people try to fix me? I am sad... no devistated that I have lost 2 children in a row, 4 children total, yes I am grieving, yes I hurt BUT I am NOT broken. I don't need fixed. I don't need a solution, I don't need THEM to come up with a reason why my babies died (I will look into it and maybe get a REAL reason but don't need them coming up with one), I DON"T NEED FIXED!!!!

I am angry right now at everything and everyone! I feel lonely but that is probably bcs I am pushing everyone away. I don't have any close friends locally and this just really really sucks.

I am looking into providing m/c support in a pp doula kind of way and have a start already. I think it will be a great service to provide. I also think that it will be very healing for me.

This thread is getting pretty long. I think I will start a new one for Dec. Anyone apposed?


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Hugs. And the new thread is fine with me.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

No, you are not broken, mama. Shame on anyone who tries to talk to you about finding out why.


----------



## Want2bmomagain (Nov 29, 2010)

Thank you KristaDJ, bcblondie and mom-to-jj.....your advise and thoughts are much appreciated. It is such a tough time for us all. It makes all of the difference in the world knowing there are others dealing with the same issues.

Why is it miscarriage is such a "taboo" subject. Why aren't loved ones more supportive? Why can't we be more open and talk about issues like these? It makes me so mad!

Anyway, I wish everyone only the best and hope that we are all blessed soon with little sticky beans.

"Everything happens for a reason", some ppl say......what is the reason for all of this? I'd love to know.


----------



## Want2bmomagain (Nov 29, 2010)

Oh my dear 'theboysmama"....that is horrible. I don't know why ppl are so insensitive. You are far from broken. Although after my two miscarriages that were so close together I could not help but feel that way myself.








You do what makes you feel more like you again. That is what it is all about. These are our losses, our bodies, our souls that have been broken. You don't fully understand unless you suffer a loss yourself and even then it is still hard to get.

I am thinking of you at this time and feel strongly that you will make it through.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

You are not broken! I hate the stupid comments people make when they think they are being helpful. Ugh.

I am not opposed to a new post for December.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> I had it out with my SIL about a month after I lost my son and she asked to borrow my baby things. Since then, I have just told people exactly how I am feeling and why. I see people cringe when I say "I wish so and so would stop complaining about being sick for 9 months. At least her baby is still alive! I was sick for 5.5 months and my baby died." Honestly, I just don't care what people think...this is my life right now and if they don't want to hear how it really is, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Just my opinion...based on many months of frustration.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> Paeta I had someone do that to me too! It was few months after I lost my son and I was pregnant again. My friend asked me if I had any girls clothes I could give her. I felt like she was saying that I didn't need them because my baby wouldn't live anyway. I don't know why people do things like that; I wish I had told her how much that hurt.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> i had someone ask for my baby car seat. Emeric had only been gone about 8 wks. Looks like I won't be using it after all
> 
> ...


Unbelievable. I can understand people saying stupid and blundering things that hurt because they don't know how to help, but I don't even know what to think about people who are so self-centered that they could do any of the above to a grieving mother.







to all of you who had to endure such treatment.

Paeta, I love that you are honest with people now. I usually just bite my tongue, and the end result is that everyone else is comfortable and has no idea that I am dying inside.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

So, one of the friends I was talking about earlier, that I said was pg... I just found out today she's in the hospital. It was ectopic and her tube burst.  I'm sad for them but in a way I'm kinda glad. How cruel is that? Not because I was jealous. But because we had been talking about miscarriage several months back, her sister had lost a baby... and she seemed very indiferent about it. She acted like her sister should be able to move on and in a few weeks it wouldn't hurt anymore. Now maybe she'll realize what the rest of us are going through....


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Want2bmomagain*
> 
> Why is it miscarriage is such a "taboo" subject. Why aren't loved ones more supportive? Why can't we be more open and talk about issues like these? It makes me so mad!


I have been thinking about this myself. How is it possible that for thousands of years, 25% of pregnancies have ended in loss, and still today nobody has any idea what to say or do for us? I hardly told anyone IRL about my latest loss b/c I was sick of being hurt by their attempts to help...they just don't know what to do, and worst of all, as so many dear ladies have just shared, they don't know what NOT TO DO.

*AFM*: Last week I called my insurance company because they'd been leaving messages for me at my mom's house, which was odd. It turned out they had received my name as a referral for their Healthy Pregnancy Program, and "you are pregnant, correct?" I said coldly, "No, I lost my baby." What the heck? They had to have gotten my name from my OB's office, but my loss was discovered at my very first visit, so how on earth could they have passed my info along for the Healthy Pregnancy Program?! And then this week, I got a letter in the mail from the insurance company: "We have been trying to reach you by phone to enroll you in our Healthy Pregnancy Program..." Oh. My. Gosh.

I think I am waiting to O now. I am just dreading TTC. It took 4 months after my blighted ovum to conceive my son and 6 months after my chemical pg to conceive my daughter, so I feel like it's going to drag on for months and months. It depresses me how the whole process just consumes me and becomes all I can think about or care about until I finally get that BFP, after which I spend 12 weeks running to the bathroom all the time to check for bleeding. Bleh.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> So, one of the friends I was talking about earlier, that I said was pg... I just found out today she's in the hospital. It was ectopic and her tube burst.  I'm sad for them but in a way I'm kinda glad. How cruel is that? Not because I was jealous. But because we had been talking about miscarriage several months back, her sister had lost a baby... and she seemed very indiferent about it. She acted like her sister should be able to move on and in a few weeks it wouldn't hurt anymore. Now maybe she'll realize what the rest of us are going through....










I totally know how that feels. I always said I'd never wish a miscarriage on anyone, but the awful truth is that I think it's completely unfair that some of us have multiple losses and others have none, and those that have none ask to borrow our baby things or want to know if we're going to have testing done to see why we have losses, when if they would have a loss, too, they'd understand. It makes me feel yucky to even think that way...


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Ugh. I had the same thing. I had already told my midwife we lost the baby. ANd like almost 2 weeks later I got a letter saying I was declined for a midwife... (actually 2 letters of the same!!) uhh.. for one, I already had a midwife. For 2, we lost the baby and you guys should know that by now.

If this was their way of "letting me go" they shouldn't have ended it with "We wish teh best for you and baby"

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Yup. Exactly. And I mean statistically it makes sense. Some people will have none. Some will have one, some will have more than one. Just teh same way as if you rolled a dice, and got a 5 twice, and a 1 once, but the other numbers zero times.

And it freaking SUCKS to be us. But at least it gives me hope that these are flukes and not somethign wrong with us...


----------



## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

I haven't been very good at keeping up with this thread. I am sorry for that. And yes, Nicole, I think it would be great if you started a new one for December - 14 pages might be a little intimidating for newbies.

AFM - I got a BFP on 11/21, and I started bleeding two days ago, right at 5w. This sucks so much. I feel awful, because I was too petrified to even be happy when I got my BFP. I just kept wondering how I was going to survive another pregnancy right now, even though I wanted it. I just never got really excited about it. Now its over.

I have a dead baby that should be 3 months old, and now this.

My parents are driving me crazy. I think they think they are helping, but they aren't. As soon as I told my mom I was miscarrying, she came and got my 3 year old. She discourages me from coming to get him, because "he shouldn't see me sad". She makes me feel like an unfit parent. And I mean really, its not like I'm walking about in broad daylight half lit and sobbing. I promise I wait until he is in bed for that! Ha! But, seriously, she and my dad make me feel like the worst mom in the world. They think I should just fake it, and be perky and happy and jolly. Blah.

My DP is being really good. He's optimistic, and he tells me we should just keep trying. I just don't know if I can, though. I don't know if I want to. I would consider hiring a surrogate, but I just don't think I can be pregnant again. My body apparently kills babies, and no gestation is safe.

I am going to try and be better about keeping up with this thread and persies, but I just don't have the energy right now. I read, but I can't seem to form a coherent reply to anything you all have said. My brain is just gone right now.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Laura I'm so sorry


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Oh Laura, I'm so very sorry. I was pulling for your little bean.









And I'm sure you're a wonderful mommy to your son. I let my 3-year-old see me bawling all over the place after this loss. When he'd ask me to stop crying, I'd just tell him that we have to cry when we lose someone we love. I think it was healthy for him to see that it's ok to grieve.


----------



## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

hugs to you... I am so sorry... parents are very good at making us feel like terrible mothers, huh? Mine have been doing that for more than a decade. My brain is gone too... I feel lucky I can type complete sentences. There are some other "debate" boards i go to that can get kind of heavy handed and intellectual... i tried logging on last night and felt like I was trying to read a foreign language. I can't even follow the simple curriculum plans we have for homeschooling, it's all a blur. I have a friend coming over tonight but the problem I have is.... after the initial shock everyone seems to be over it (and why shouldn't they be?) but I am far from over it.... when they ask me how I am, do I say devastated, or do I put on a good face...?


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

You guys! Holy crap I'm o'ing! I thought I had some fertile signs so I ran and got a dollar store opk. Positive!

I'm nervous.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

i finished putting the baby stuff in storage







Man it was really really hard! I cried a lot today. Then I went and got a hair cut, manicure and pedicure with a dragonfly painted on. The polish is in black cuz that is the mood I am in. As I was pulling up to the salon I saw my friend that just dumped me a few wks ago leaving with another friend of ours. I don't know if she saw me or not but it just felt crappy bcs they were chatting and having a good time and i was going alone bcs I don't have many friends right now and I am so alone. I picked my kids up from school today and my son came out with a huge sack filled with food! He had mentioned our recent loss during sharing time yesterday and a girl in his class must have told her mom and she knew of Emeric but not of this baby. She sent dinner. Holy crap I just bawled my eyes out. This is the first thing anyone has done adn I have just felt so lonely and crappy about it all, plus i didn't feel like making dinner. Hooray.

Tomorrow is my SHARE meeting and I am really looking forward to it. It has gotten me through the week.

Off to make cupcakes for my sons birthday tomorrow and pretend like I am normal even though I don't feel normal at all.

I hope everyone is hanging in there.

I wanted to share the water bug/dragonfly story that was told to me when my mother passed away by the hospice nurse and why I love dragonflys so much. I will be getting a dragonfly tattoo on Emerics edd.

There were 2 little water bugs that lived at the bottom of the pond. They were happy and loved to play together. Everyonce in a while they would notice a light would shine on one of the water plants and one of the older water bugs would crawl up the stalk to the light and disappear. The little water bugs agreed that if it ever came time for one of them to climb up the stalk that they would promise to come back and tell the other what was up there and why no one ever came back. So the time came and one of the waterbugs began to crawl up the stalk, when he got to the top he came out of the water and it was beautiful. As he was sitting there he transformed into a beautiful dragonfly and began flying all over and exploring. Then he realized that although he was very happy he could not go back into the water to tell his friend about this beautiful place.

That is how I feel about my sweet angels (and anyone that i know who has died). They are in a happy place and I won't know anything about that place until I am joined with them. Just thought I would share.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Aww that was beautiful.

I'm so sorry you had such a hard day and feel alone. That's so sweet about DS's classmate bringing you food though.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh crap, Laura, I am SO SORRY!!









I know our situations are different but I am having the same thoughts about not being able to be pregnant again and it's just awful. On top of mourning my babies I'm mourning the loss of pregnancy and birth and all the things that come with a new baby. It just hurts too much to even think about right now.







And if you are waiting until your son is asleep to walk around lit and sobbing you are doing better than me so don't you dare let anyone make you feel bad for it.

Nicole, I cried when you said that lady sent dinner home with your son. That is just so freakin' awesome. Our own friends and families leave us hanging and yet this random person makes your family a meal........ I wonder how many babies she has lost







.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

krista- I did a little research and it isn't the lady I thought it was. I didn't even know who sent me the dinner. 8 yr old boys aren't extremely reliable. It was actually a women who I chat with ocassionally. Her daughter heard on the playground from my son so they aren't even in the same class. I looked up her number in the school directory and the dinner did come from her and she has never had a loss. She has 4 living children. She just talked about how she doesn't know how it must feel but could only imagine the pain I was in and wanted to do something. here is the kicker we have food allergies and she asked both of my kids teachers about the boys allergies and then got something plain for us including all ingredients and we could eat it!!!! We talked about 30 min. on the phone. It was soooooo what i need. I just feel really frickin lonely right now. dh and i are really struggling right now too and i think that is normal especially since we are both on the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as ttc/tta goes. it is so frustrating. I know we will work through this I just wish my hormones would stay out of the way.

LJ- I am so sorry that your parents are giving you a hard time. I cry in front of my children, I think it is healthy for them to see me grieve (to a certain extent) and I can't control when I just break down. If I try to hold it in I get angry and end up yelling at them, crying in front of them is better.

Krista- I completely understand the mourning of the loss and the loss of the possibility of another living baby to hold. I hope that we get another baby at some point even if it is by adoption or fostering. but at some point i might just have to be ok with things the way they are. (but right now I am not)


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Nicole- Your new friend sounds wonderful! She has restored my faith in womankind.







I'm very glad someone reached out to you and did something helpful. Sometimes I feel like pregnancy loss is a churning ocean that I am just struggling to stay afloat in, and just hoping someone, anyone, will throw me a life preserver...

bcblondie - Eek! Good luck!









AFM: I got AF yesterday! Crazy, only 4 weeks from the m/c. That means I did actually O when I thought I did. I sort of ignored my own fertile signs because I was still getting faint positives on pregnancy tests. I didn't get a BFN until 5 days ago. Part of me is sort of sad that we missed the first egg, but overall I'm glad. If I had gotten pg the first cycle and lost it, I probably would have gotten a guilt trip from my OB about not waiting. It's silly, but the fact that AF started on 12/1 makes me feel hopeful about this cycle. It's like a fresh start, having it start on the first of the month.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *frugalmum*
> 
> I have a friend coming over tonight but the problem I have is.... after the initial shock everyone seems to be over it (and why shouldn't they be?) but I am far from over it.... when they ask me how I am, do I say devastated, or do I put on a good face...?


I just noticed nobody replied to this. How did it go with your friend last night? In general, my response varies depending on the person. If it's someone I trust and think will understand, then when they ask how I am doing, I tell them: "I'm bitter, angry, jealous, and hopeless." I decided that if I don't tell my friends when I'm doing crappy, then I have no right to be mad if they don't ask how I am or don't say anything about the m/c. I'm at the point now, one month later, where people assume that since I'm no longer bawling on the phone with them for an hour at a time, that I must be over it. They don't want to ask because they don't want to "remind" me about it. They just don't understand that it is all I ever think about, and it still feels nice when someone cares.


----------



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I put up a new thread come on over. I posted a few guidelines if you have a problem with these or want to add others let me know.


----------

