# "Its replusive"



## minimurph (Jan 3, 2007)

So, my mother let me know that she thinks its repulsive and inappropriate that DD co-sleeps with us. She also played the "dangerous" card, which I quickly debunked.

I am so tired of hearing my family rip on everything we do. From nursing her even though she is over a year old now, to wearing her (my mother wants to push her around in her stroller so she's not embarrassed when she runs into one of her friends and HER kids with $800 strollers). And now with the co-sleeping. And the slow intro to solids (due to DD's reflux). She's been trying to feed her steak since she was 8 months old.

She doesn't agree with ANYTHING I do but to call it "repulsive" to my face?









I am going to just start lying to them all and tell them she is sleeping in her crib.


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## TirzhaZ (Jun 15, 2007)

Don't lie to them. You have the right to parent any way you please. Just know that there's a whole community of people right there with you!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I feel for you. When I told my mom I was pregnant, the first thing she said was, "You aren't planning to breastfeed, are you?" She said if I breastfed her she would turn into a lesbian.







: Then, when she discovered we were co-sleeping, she threatened to call CPS. We had a 2-week email battle over it with her doing mondo research and sending me articles about moms (who were often drunk or drug addicts or something) rolling over on their babies.

I basically told her that I didn't want to keep her away from her grandkid but if I felt harassed by her it would happen naturally, particularly if she was threatening to call CPS on me. She said she wasn't serious about that and was just trying to get my attention. Whatever. She has backed WAY down over time. Be firm and hopefully things will improve for you too. She's even said that, while she doesn't approve of my parenting style, my daughter is "very well adjusted" and that everything must be OK after all.


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## minimurph (Jan 3, 2007)

Thanks so much for the kind words.









The thing is, all we EVER hear is how AMAZING she is. How well behaved, loving, funny, sweet, etc. And most of the time its from my MOM! She doesn't think parenting has anything to do with it...she thinks its her temperment and that only.







:


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## hucifer (Mar 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TirzhaZ* 
Don't lie to them. You have the right to parent any way you please. Just know that there's a whole community of people right there with you!









:

It's hard to ignore comments like that when it comes from someone you love. But remember that you are doing what YOU think is best for your family, and that is the most important thing of all.

Don't lie...stand behind your decisions proudly and make the other person see that their opinion will not affect your parenting decisions.


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## onyxravnos (Dec 30, 2006)

aw I'm sorry you have to hear that from our own mom.







Just keep in mind that you are right and doing what is best for your baby and your family.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TirzhaZ* 
Don't lie to them. You have the right to parent any way you please. Just know that there's a whole community of people right there with you!









: Stand strong in your decisions and don't allow her to treat you like that!

A family member of mine used to be like this until I finally said, "If you continue to put me down and speak to me this way, I can't be around you anymore." Luckily he stopped and we are much closer now, but I would not have a relationship with someone who treats me like dirt. That is so sad that your mom disrespects you like that.







I think the way she treats you is "repulsive." Does she treat you like that around your DC?? That would be a huge problem with me, personally. Just remember, you're a good mama and you don't need your mom's approval. Good luck.









Michele


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## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minimurph* 
Thanks so much for the kind words.









The thing is, all we EVER hear is how AMAZING she is. How well behaved, loving, funny, sweet, etc. And most of the time its from my MOM! She doesn't think parenting has anything to do with it...she thinks its her temperment and that only.







:

I had a similar deal with my parents. Mum was constantly nagging about how we raise DD, and constantly raving about what an amazing baby she it.
One day I took my mum and sat her down and said flatly "You are constantly praising DD, so how can you criticize my parenting? There must be some connection." Her eyes widened and she stopped after that









have you tried arming yourself with lots of research to support your choices? that really worked with my MIL


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## jessicado (Feb 16, 2007)

OMG...I can't believe some people actually think like that! How can it be wrong to sleep with your child, breastfeed or have them held next to you when you are walking around??!?!?!!? The lesbian thing is especially hilarious.....
Not that you have to back up your actions at all to your mom, but if you feel the need, perhaps show her research that proves that babywearing babies are less fussy and that is a contributing factor to your dd's disposition.


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## rrmrose (Aug 10, 2005)

Lie to her, that is what I do all the time. My mom is crazy like that too. I would rather lie to her then deal with all the crap about what a bad parent I am.

Rachel


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I'm with everyone on the don't lie track. I struggle a lot with my MIL's opinions and I find that when I slink back it only fuels her sense that she is right. I'm now really trying to stand confidently with my decisions and not let her negativity affect me so much...and she just bought me a very traditional book on mothering that has royally pissed me off...but I'm just going to let it go...

Don't feel badly about your parenting...you're doing great and what is right for your family. That's all that matters.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

I'm so sorry - isn't it amazing how insensitive our own families can be?! I'm grateful I found MDC - otherwise I would probably be lying to my family too. These are your convictions and you are entitled to raise your children however you feel is best. Don't lie. Pass on all the good AP practices have to offer.

And then come vent to us! lol!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I feel for you. When I told my mom I was pregnant, the first thing she said was, "You aren't planning to breastfeed, are you?" She said if I breastfed her she would turn into a lesbian.







: Then, when she discovered we were co-sleeping, she threatened to call CPS. We had a 2-week email battle over it with her doing mondo research and sending me articles about moms (who were often drunk or drug addicts or something) rolling over on their babies.

I basically told her that I didn't want to keep her away from her grandkid but if I felt harassed by her it would happen naturally, particularly if she was threatening to call CPS on me. She said she wasn't serious about that and was just trying to get my attention. Whatever. She has backed WAY down over time. Be firm and hopefully things will improve for you too. She's even said that, while she doesn't approve of my parenting style, my daughter is "very well adjusted" and that everything must be OK after all.











You are a heck of a lot nicer than me. If anyone ever even just THREATENS to call CPS on me, they will never see my kids or me again. I mean it. You don't threaten people like that.


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## MissMommyNiceNice (May 1, 2007)

Is she the only grandchild? DS has a cousin, but she's a detached demanding mouthy little brat of a girl, so he might as well be the only one. Point is, Grandma should make every effort to love and support her GD - which includes supporting momma. If she doesn't, well, then she won't get to see the babe!

I think this is my MIL greatest fear, and even though I know she thinks a lot of our parenting styles are weird (I know because Jane-speak for weird is "That's nice.") but she puts up with it because she loves her grandson, and especially now that he's bigger, she knows we're doing a good job, for exactly the reasons you said. He's well adjusted, happy, loving, fat, and growing! All the things the "detached" granddaughter isn't.

Let granny go a few weeks without her Madelyn fix, she'll come around! Good luck, momma! Don't let her push you around any more!


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## minimurph (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
I had a similar deal with my parents. Mum was constantly nagging about how we raise DD, and constantly raving about what an amazing baby she it.
One day I took my mum and sat her down and said flatly "You are constantly praising DD, so how can you criticize my parenting? There must be some connection." Her eyes widened and she stopped after that









have you tried arming yourself with lots of research to support your choices? that really worked with my MIL

Yes, I have armed myself witha ton of research and I feel like a walking encyclopedia when I am around my family sometimes because I just spew knowledge.


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## DigitalSuze (Dec 20, 2005)

Hey, I just wanted to chime in and say we're another co-sleeping family in South Jersey. I'm sure my family thinks it's weird, too (and occasionally I get the odd comment that "you'll get him out of your bed" and "you're spoiling him") -- but I don't care! I have an 11-year-old who was mostly traditionally night parented (crib, etc.) until I finally gave up and occasionally co-slept with him from ages 5+. It took *years* to make him feel comfortable sleeping on his own, so I have no doubts about my decision to co-sleep with the baby.

Good luck to you!


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Don't lie. Simply state that your the parent and while you are more than willing to
discuss your parenting style, the choices are yours and your dh's alone to make.


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## luminesce (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I feel for you. When I told my mom I was pregnant, the first thing she said was, "You aren't planning to breastfeed, are you?" She said if I breastfed her she would turn into a lesbian.







:









I don't understand how women get so far off track from what nature intended. Breasts were made for feeding our children. The only reason we think they are sexual is because it helps make babies to feed them with.







:








to the OP. How does she think it is dangerous? I assume when she calls it inappropriate and repulsive that she equates a bed in a bedroom with sex? It is so funny how people connect the two. It may not be possible to ever change her opinion, but you shouldn't have to. I would definitely not lie about it and would stand my ground. I'd offer to give her plenty of literature and research -- point her to that harvard article just posted about the benefits of keeping children close and to dr. sears' opinions -- if she wants any fact-based evidence that what you are doing is GOOD for your DD. But, I'd also tell her that you don't need research to tell you instinctively what is best for your kid.

And if none of that works -- tell her that whatever she did with you as a child must not have worked -- look how you turned out!


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## leila1213 (Sep 15, 2006)

I would say that you don't want or need to discuss it with her (and you shouldn't be afraid to tell her that). If she wants to degrade you or name-call then she doesn't need to spend time with you & DD. I don't think it's any use to argue with people like that, especially if they are relatives, because then they think every decision is open for discussion. Sometimes it can help to drop facts/statistics about attachment parenting practices, but don't let it get personal. If it does, shut it down with the "I'm the Mommy" defense. JMO.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minimurph* 
So, my mother let me know that she thinks its repulsive and inappropriate that DD co-sleeps with us. She also played the "dangerous" card, which I quickly debunked.

I am so tired of hearing my family rip on everything we do. From nursing her even though she is over a year old now, to wearing her (my mother wants to push her around in her stroller so she's not embarrassed when she runs into one of her friends and HER kids with $800 strollers). And now with the co-sleeping. And the slow intro to solids (due to DD's reflux). She's been trying to feed her steak since she was 8 months old.

She doesn't agree with ANYTHING I do but to call it "repulsive" to my face?









I am going to just start lying to them all and tell them she is sleeping in her crib.

instead of lying, tell her that the subject is off limits. you know what your doing is right, tell her thats that, end of conversation. i think its repulsive and innapropriate for her to tell you how to raise your kid. hugs mama!


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## alaska (Jun 12, 2004)

Quote:

She said if I breastfed her she would turn into a lesbian.
that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

I wouldn't lie to your mom either. I'd let her know - once - that I'd researched these issues and come to reasoned decisions and if she ever had a question about something I did, she's welcome to ask. But from then on, whenever she says something disapproving, I'd shrug my shoulders, tell her that I understand she disagrees wtih my parenting approach, but my child, my choice. The end. No further discussion.

and I agree with the above posters, if she's degrading you or being rude about it, there's no reason why you can't tell her you refuse to speak to her about these issues, or to allow her to speak to you like that.

It's hard standing up to mom sometimes, isn't it?


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## MissMommyNiceNice (May 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alaska* 
It's hard standing up to mom sometimes, isn't it?

We should all make promises to ourselves not to be like that when we get older & have grandchildren! Of course, from what I understand, hasn't that been the promise of mothers for generations past? And look how well it turned out for them!


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## subrosa (Aug 1, 2006)

You know, the thing is that even people who claim to be adamantly anti-cosleeping have probably slept with their kids once or twice before. I don't identify as a cosleeping mama (yet, anyway, things are changing in my house), but DD has been climbing into bed with us more and more frequently. Maybe you and your mom can have a dialogue about it with that as a starting point "Hey, Mom, didn't you ever let me sleep with you when I was sick/had a nightmare/you just couldn't get me to sleep any other way?" Then from there you're on common ground.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Repulsive?

Wow...that's such a strong word and one that has such overwhelming connotations. I don't think I would ever consider using it in reference to co-sleeping, even if I didn't support the practice (which I totally do).

Sorry she's such a pill.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

hey, welcome to MDC!

Quote:

We should all make promises to ourselves not to be like that when we get older & have grandchildren! Of course, from what I understand, hasn't that been the promise of mothers for generations past? And look how well it turned out for them!
yeah, but I KNOW I couldn't keep my mouth shut if my grandkids were FF by choice, CIO'd from birth and smacked. Talk about replusive!


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## CalBearMama (Sep 23, 2005)

"Our Babies, Ourselves" by Meredith Small opened my eyes even further to the fact that westerners, and Americans in particular, are so alone in their practice of sleeping separately from their children. And the American practice of sleeping separately is also a very, very recent development (within the last 150-200 years). So, since the dawn of mankind, approximately 99.999% (my very scientific estimate) of human babies have shared sleep with adults, and that's the sleep arrangement that human babies are born EXPECTING and NEEDING, from the standpoint of their physical, neurological, and emotional development. This is basically what I tell anyone who asks me, in a respectful way, about why we co-sleep.

If anyone was ever seriously disrespectful to me about it, though, I think I would be much less tactful. I envision myself saying something like, "Well, 90% of the parents in the world think that the American practice of making their tiny babies sleep alone in cages is barbaric and abusive, and I agree with them."


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## NaturalTXMama (Dec 19, 2006)

Gosh! Some people can be so insensitive. I just LOVE when people share their opinion so freely...especially when they are completely UNINFORMED. My Mom raised me believing in drug-free childbirth and breastfeeding. Then when my DS was born she taught me how to nurse while lying down, which lead to co-sleeping. So we kind of naturally fell into AP. BUT my husband's family was TOTALLY opposite - no breastfeeding, he always slept in his crib, ect... So now I get these comments the most -

"He is STILL sleeping with you, WHEN are you going to make him sleep in his own room?"

And when he was still breastfeeding at 12 months (which he self-weaned at 26 months) every Sunday at church she would say, "He's STILL doing THAT!"







:

So, this time we are having a homebirth and she questions it every time we see them. *I am about to buy her a book about APing and tell her she can share her opinion once she has ALL sides understood!*


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## MommytoHHH (Sep 12, 2006)

Hey - I recognize you from another board









I would honestly tell her that you would appreciate it if she wouldn't bring up the subject anymore unless she has something nice to say about it. She is not the parent, you are - and it is your decision how you sleep at night. I would also let her know how hurtful you felt her language was. You are certainly right to feel hurt by that


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
She said if I breastfed her she would turn into a lesbian.







:

*cue smart aleck reply* "Excellent, we were really counting on that cause now we won't have to worry about the teen pregnancy issue. I'll just make sure she knows all about dental dams and we're good to go."


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## izandleo (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alaska* 
that's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

I wouldn't lie to your mom either. I'd let her know - once - that I'd researched these issues and come to reasoned decisions and if she ever had a question about something I did, she's welcome to ask. But from then on, whenever she says something disapproving, I'd shrug my shoulders, tell her that I understand she disagrees wtih my parenting approach, but my child, my choice. The end. No further discussion.

and I agree with the above posters, if she's degrading you or being rude about it, there's no reason why you can't tell her you refuse to speak to her about these issues, or to allow her to speak to you like that.

It's hard standing up to mom sometimes, isn't it?









:
I agree! It is hard to stand up to mom sometimes even though we are moms. I hope I won't be that way with mine.


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## genericmom (Jun 19, 2007)

wow im sorry you have to hear things like that


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## jillibug (Jul 5, 2007)

You all are way nicer than me as well. The ex's family gave me the same crap for about 6 months. Finally, at sunday dinner, someone said something about DD always having her face in my boob. Well, with tears in my eyes I told them all to piss off. Never a word again. Funny thing is a year later ex's sister in Ireland called to tell me she is BFing her second child and how wonderful it is and how she missed so much with her first. She was one of the biggest twits about my ebfing and co sleeping


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## Coco_Hikes (Nov 26, 2006)

Hang in there, mama! I know it's so hard when your own mom can't accept your parenting style being different from hers. (If I had a nickel for every time my MIL--I know, not exactly the same as if it were my mom-- called me "eccentric" and rolled her eyes, I'd be able to afford that McHouse she thinks we should sell our souls to get.) The bottom line is that sometimes our parents still mess up and it hurts us now, even adults. Maybe you can have a talk about her behavior and your resulting feelings? She may truly not get that she's acting so hurtfully.


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