# Do You Give Your Toddler Whatever They Cry For?



## LilacMama (Aug 18, 2008)

I know AP advises always consoling a crying baby to the absolute best of your ability. I don't have to tell you all the reasons, I'm sure you know them by heart!
Is this spilling over into toddler hood though? Are you scared to let your toddler cry (for any reason) for fear of loss of trust/ emotional damage/ brain damage/ undue stress, etc?

In other words, do you have trouble letting your toddler cry about something because of your beliefs about letting babies cry? Is it okay sometimes to let a toddler cry without calming them down? Do you think that your boundaries, responses to a crying toddler is healthy and appropriate? At what point are you creating a little "tyrant" by letting them control you through their outbursts?


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## changingseasons (Mar 24, 2008)

I don't think that consoling is anywhere near the same as giving them whatever they want.

There's a difference between saying, "ok, fine- eat chocolate chips all day" and, "I know that you're sad you can't eat chocolate chips all day. Let's find you something else to eat if you're hungry. Maybe a hug will make you feel better."


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

This is complicated. First, it isn't always possible to stop even a baby's crying. My first was very high needs, and sometimes there was no way to stop her tears. I would hold her and comfort her, but it I wasn't afraid of her crying. It was just part of her personality. And to some extent still is, though her dramatic emotions are often displayed differently.

And toddlers do have tantrums. It is normal and they learn through their tantrums. That doesn't mean I don't try to comfort them if I can, though comforting isn't necessarily giving them what they want. Sometimes it is just letting them know I empathize and am there for them. "I know that candy at the store looked yummy. I would have liked some too. I wish candy was healthy and we could have it every day!" I don't ignore the crying and I always give love and empathy, but I understand crying is developmentally appropriate for that age and not an emergency or necessarily something that needs to be stopped at any cost.

I am not worried about turning my children into tyrants.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *changingseasons* 
I don't think that consoling is anywhere near the same as giving them whatever they want.

There's a difference between saying, "ok, fine- eat chocolate chips all day" and, "I know that you're sad you can't eat chocolate chips all day. Let's find you something else to eat if you're hungry. Maybe a hug will make you feel better."

I agree with this. I didn't have trouble helping my dd cope with disappointment without feeling guilty about not giving her whatever she wanted.


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

There are instances when in our busy home, someone really wants somethng, but the request is brushed aside unintenitonally. Sometimes the crying (genuine, not manipulative) is a surprise and helps dh and I see that dc really wanted something, and we weren't opposed to it; we just didn't know it was being requested.

Sometimes the crying is helpful to dh to recognise his tendency toward automatic 'no' and allows him an opportunity to make a better decision.

So, sometimes, in our home, crying does end up allowing something that initially wasn't for whatever reason or oversight.

When everyone is aware though, and a dc cries for something that is not going to be acceptable in our home, like eating a whole bag of dried apricots, then we empathise, explain (when it is beneficial) and console if the dc wants or will accept it- through hugging, holding, etc....

My dc's crying has not ever stopped setting off my mama-alarm. I do wish it could stop and I do wish to help them to stop, but I also know that it isn't healthy for me to do whatever will stop them from continuing, even if that were possible.

I do consider them though and don't take crying as manipulation or a reason to say 'no' from my end. If my dh cried because of something that he really wanted or if I cried for the same reason, I would expect and would also consider the reason for such an upset. Overall, my dc do not often cry for things or in general, but when they do, I am careful to consider why and what the need is, then respond as well as I can. Sometimes it's a 'yes' and other times a 'not now' or 'not ever', but we don't have any _rules_ about how to respond to crying any more than to laughter.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Something I've written before, but bears repeating:

When your child moves from being an infant to being toddler, your job as a parent changes.

For infants, needs = wants. A cry from an infant indicates an unmet need that should be addressed. Therefore, I would never let an infant cry if I could help it.

However, a toddler's mind and world is more complex. Toddlers have wants that aren't needs. (And sometimes needs that aren't wants - like diaper changing!) They are also developing autonomy (however fragile) and complex emotions.

Thus, as your child becomes a toddler, your job shifts from stopping crying to helping your child learn to deal with their complex, powerful emotions. Clearly needs must be met.

Preventing crying isn't always the best way to help children deal with emotions. In fact, sometimes it might be detrimental. You don't want to teach your child that crying is so scary to mom/dad that they will do anything to prevent it. Toddlers and children need to learn that they can experience disappointment and survive. They can experience frustration, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, minor pain and a whole host of emotions and come out on the other end.

My job is to help them process these emotions. For some kids, it means holding them. For others, it means backing off while they get it out, and then reconnecting. For all kids, it means modeling how you deal with these emotions and lots of empathy.

I clearly remember a tantrum ds had at about 2 1/2. His candy cane had broken. He wanted a whole candy cane. We had no whole candy cane and broken candy canes cannot be fixed. He raged, he screamed, he demanded that I fix it. I _could not_ comply. Eventually, he collapsed in a heap on my lap and we snuggled. He doesn't remember this (I asked him about the other day when he got a broken candy cane). And he's learned to deal with minor disappointment.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *changingseasons* 
I don't think that consoling is anywhere near the same as giving them whatever they want.

There's a difference between saying, "ok, fine- eat chocolate chips all day" and, "I know that you're sad you can't eat chocolate chips all day. Let's find you something else to eat if you're hungry. Maybe a hug will make you feel better."











I don't believe DD is manipulative, but I do know that she is starting to understand concepts such as choice and patience.

Personally I like to back away from the item in question and think about the bigger need. Does DD really need/want that toy? Or is she trying to tell me that she is bored, needs more attention from me, wants my acknowledgement, etc?

My opinion is that toddlers are still trying to learn communication and expression. So they are likely to latch onto an item or place b/c it _represents_ their need. It's not about the item itself.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

I don't have a toddler anymore, but I'm preparing again for toddlerhood...
First of all, I'm not "scared"/I don't "have trouble" letting my toddler cry. As a child, I wasn't allowed to cry by my mom, and I know NOT crying can be traumatic. Sometimes when wanting to console ds, he would tell me he needs to cry a little bit more, and I respected this (he would cry for a minute then he felt better).

As PP said, there is a difference between consoling and giving in to a toddler's wishes.

Also, I don't like saying no just for the sake of exercising my control. Sometimes I change my mind too. For example, if ds is asking for a cookie and my automatic response is NO, and he keeps asking, I might consider the fact that he just had a healthy meal, or a cookie might keep him entertained while I do something else, etc...

Honestly, I feel that many people who don't practice GD are afraid of toddler tantrums. I've seen people smacking kids around because they dared cry about something.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilacMama* 
I know AP advises always consoling a crying baby to the absolute best of your ability. I don't have to tell you all the reasons, I'm sure you know them by heart!
Is this spilling over into toddler hood though? Are you scared to let your toddler cry (for any reason) for fear of loss of trust/ emotional damage/ brain damage/ undue stress, etc?

In other words, do you have trouble letting your toddler cry about something because of your beliefs about letting babies cry? Is it okay sometimes to let a toddler cry without calming them down? Do you think that your boundaries, responses to a crying toddler is healthy and appropriate? At what point are you creating a little "tyrant" by letting them control you through their outbursts?

i struggled with this when DD was a young toddler. it's hard making that shift from the goal (usually) being stopping the crying to the goal being parenting through it. it gets easier, that's all i know to tell you









i think just realizing it's a paradigm shift right now is half the battle...


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Tantrums seemed to be more about stress than the actual trigger with DD. If the thing she wants is reasonable of course she can have even if she is crying. If the thing is very unreasonable or impossible then she can't.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

My DD has taken to crying for things like wanting to stand on a rocking chair. I do not "give" her that. I try to redirect a lot. She mostly seems to want to be engaged in some way, and redirection is not difficult so far.


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## lmk1 (Sep 21, 2007)

Sometimes I give my toddler what he wants before he starts crying for it... Like right now I was willing to give him one cookie, but he wanted the box. So I went to the kitchen, took all of the cookies except one out of the box, and gave him the box. He was very happy. Sometimes, creative ways of fooling him work; when they don't, then I either try to avoid the situation (like if I don't want him to have any cookies, then I don't keep them where he can see them) or I move swiftly through the execution (like we're going to change that poopy diaper even if he wants to continue watching Thomas the Train on TV). I don't automatically assume though that his desires aren't valid, just because I disagree with them. Like if he wants to do play-doh and it's 5 minutes to lunch, I have a hard time with saying no, because heck, I do the same thing, and so does dh...we get involved with stuff right before meal time, and whichever one of us is making supper is always trying to herd the other to the table. If I don't enforce it for myself, I try to make a point of disciplining myself before I enforce something for my kid.


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## Gena 22 (Jul 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Something I've written before, but bears repeating:

When your child moves from being an infant to being toddler, your job as a parent changes.

For infants, needs = wants. A cry from an infant indicates an unmet need that should be addressed. Therefore, I would never let an infant cry if I could help it.

However, a toddler's mind and world is more complex. Toddlers have wants that aren't needs. (And sometimes needs that aren't wants - like diaper changing!) They are also developing autonomy (however fragile) and complex emotions.

Thus, as your child becomes a toddler, your job shifts from stopping crying to helping your child learn to deal with their complex, powerful emotions. Clearly needs must be met.

Preventing crying isn't always the best way to help children deal with emotions. In fact, sometimes it might be detrimental. You don't want to teach your child that crying is so scary to mom/dad that they will do anything to prevent it. Toddlers and children need to learn that they can experience disappointment and survive. They can experience frustration, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, minor pain and a whole host of emotions and come out on the other end.

My job is to help them process these emotions. For some kids, it means holding them. For others, it means backing off while they get it out, and then reconnecting. For all kids, it means modeling how you deal with these emotions and lots of empathy.

I clearly remember a tantrum ds had at about 2 1/2. His candy cane had broken. He wanted a whole candy cane. We had no whole candy cane and broken candy canes cannot be fixed. He raged, he screamed, he demanded that I fix it. I _could not_ comply. Eventually, he collapsed in a heap on my lap and we snuggled. He doesn't remember this (I asked him about the other day when he got a broken candy cane). And he's learned to deal with minor disappointment.

Thank you for this! It makes a ton of sense and reflects what I was feeling but not certain of. I'm new to this forum. It took awhile before I was comfortable calling my self an AP mom, having never heard of it until well after becoming a mom, but now I'm a big fan. It's so instinctual.

But I'm having some problems with my twins - 2 next week. We try to give them space and independence, and of course comfort and security. We build in time for toddler efforts at dressing, taking care of themselves. We're often rewarded. But sometimes we run into constraints. I can't let them go outside without a coat in the 20 degree cold, but I have to go to work and take them with me. I can't put them to bed without a nappy. We've got a lot of tricks up our sleeves, but occasionally I have to use force. A few times putting a diaper has felt like "diaper rape." The girls seem to forget the struggle immediately, but I feel terrible.

Tantrums I can handle, we get some doozies, but I can either hug, breastfeed or let it take its course. But the use of force really bugs me.

What do you do when all else fails? Can it be AP to physically force a toddler to get dressed?


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gena 22* 

What do you do when all else fails? Can it be AP to physically force a toddler to get dressed?

Of course it can be. AP is about meeting their needs. It's not about making sure they're always happy. Life is full of things that must be done, even when we don't like it, and things that absolutely can't be done, no matter how much we want to, and things that just won't work, no matter how hard we try. As parents, we try to protect them from challenges and frustrations that are genuinely beyond their ability to handle. But we can't protect them from every challenge and every frustration, and sometimes we really do have to take the lead as parents, and insist that health and safety issues be attended to, and the rights of others be protected. What we can do is stay close, and help them process their emotions about the experience, and let them know that our love for them is unconditional, even when we're insisting that they avoid hypothermia or diaper rash or whatever the issue is.


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

I second, third, and fourth a whole lot of what's been said by a whole lot of people.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

It really depends on the crying.

If the screaming/crying is coming from a real need (hunger, fear, hurt, etc.), then yes I meet the need.

If the screaming/crying is coming from a want that I don't have a particular objection to... I will request that he stop screaming and ask "please." Which he usually does... and then I make a comment about the importance of using good manners (in toddler speak).

If the screaming/crying is coming from a want that I either can't fulfill or won't fullfill (due to safety, health, or other basic rules)... then I say no to what he's asking for. And I sympathize with his frustration over not getting what he wants (again, in toddler speak).

If he's having a tantrum just because that's what toddlers do sometimes, then I make myself present to him and create a safe space for him to release his frustration.


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## Cetan Luta (Sep 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 
It really depends on the crying.

If the screaming/crying is coming from a real need (hunger, fear, hurt, etc.), then yes I meet the need.

If the screaming/crying is coming from a want that I don't have a particular objection to... I will request that he stop screaming and ask "please." Which he usually does... and then I make a comment about the importance of using good manners (in toddler speak).

If the screaming/crying is coming from a want that I either can't fulfill or won't fullfill (due to safety, health, or other basic rules)... then I say no to what he's asking for. And I sympathize with his frustration over not getting what he wants (again, in toddler speak).

If he's having a tantrum just because that's what toddlers do sometimes, then I make myself present to him and create a safe space for him to release his frustration.

This Exactly!


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## Gena 22 (Jul 3, 2008)

Great thread, thanks mommas!


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## RheaSilva (Jan 22, 2010)

I am a proponant of not giving into crying as long as I know the baby is not wet or hungry. Definitely don't give my toddlers whatever they cry for - it gets to be a slippery slope pretty quickly!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I'd say about 75% of the time she cries for something it's because I have no clue what she wants, out of that some times I do eventually figure it out through trial and error (or maybe find an acceptable substitute).

The rest of the time she cries for stuff it isn't okay for her to have. Sometimes, on consideration I realize that it's silly not to let her mess with whatever, other times I move her away from it and try distracting her and then just make sympathetic noises as she freaks out.

Mostly though, like 9 times out of 10, she asks for stuff and gets it without crying.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RheaSilva* 
I am a proponant of not giving into crying as long as I know the baby is not wet or hungry.

Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lmk1* 
Sometimes I give my toddler what he wants before he starts crying for it... Like right now I was willing to give him one cookie, but he wanted the box. So I went to the kitchen, took all of the cookies except one out of the box, and gave him the box.









I do this sort of stuff all the time. Does it get easier when they can actually tell you what they want?


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

My theory is that 99.5% of all tantrums are because the toddler is hungry or tired. The tantrum then happens when the child is overstimulated in some way, and this overstimulation is either brought on or exacerbated by being hungry or tired. Even as as adult who knows how to manage your emotions, think of how grumpy you are and how bad the world works when you're hungry or tired.

So no I don't give in to all tantrums, but I do try to think about the root cause of the tantrum and work with that. I can't always just throw her in bed, but if I think that she's going crazy because she's tired, then I'll try to create a calm environment where she can rest even if she can't sleep. If I realize she hasn't eaten recently, or she I know she only picked at her lunch and now it's 4pm and she's lying on the floor kicking and screaming because she can't get her doll to sit up right (or whatever), I'll give her a snack or make a very early dinner.

Sometimes, though, the tantrum is just about testing. She's eaten well, she's napped well, all is good, and suddenly she's screaming and kicking for junk food. In those cases I make sure the environment is safe, provide an easy out (IME toddlers want to save face and are often really happy to take an out that lets them do that), and if nothing works then I'll just walk away. I want to provide a safe, loving environment, but on the other hand I'm not her doormat. Sometimes life sucks and you don't get a cookie. That's the way the world works.


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## Gena 22 (Jul 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
My theory is that 99.5% of all tantrums are because the toddler is hungry or tired.

Absolutely. But in our house, tired happens now and then. And one girl or another doesn't want to be touched even though it's already past bed time and she needs to get in her pajamas. And then the PJs with the little white doggies are in the wash. And she's finally naked, but then the struggle really begins. Then she's in her PJs but is now so spitting and screaming mad she wants nothing to do with mom or dad. No milk, no story, she'll just walk out of the room exhausted.

It's those times I try to be calm, repetitive, soothing and firm. Then once they're finally down to sleep I can go bang my head against the wall and swear I'll never keep them out past bedtime again.

Ah, toddlerhood!


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:

You don't want to teach your child that crying is so scary to mom/dad that they will do anything to prevent it. Toddlers and children need to learn that they can experience disappointment and survive. They can experience frustration, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, minor pain and a whole host of emotions and come out on the other end.

My job is to help them process these emotions. For some kids, it means holding them. For others, it means backing off while they get it out, and then reconnecting. For all kids, it means modeling how you deal with these emotions and lots of empathy.








I do not "give into" my toddlers fake or real crying all the time but I recognize that there is definitely a need or DESIRE (often the case with toddlers) that is not being met by me at that moment. Sometimes it requires playful or creative solutions (as a previous poster acknowledged) and sometimes it just requires empathy. Sometimes if it is an angry tantrum, she just needs to be able to get all those pent up emotions out so she can relax. I allow her to do that safely (as much as is possible?!).

Sometimes if the request was simple and I just said No for no good reason, I may change my mind and "give in"...I go with the flow and assess each tantrum on its own merits







That being said, there are certainly times when I give myself a time-out b/f I can even deal with the tantrum/crying.

ETA:
Quote:
Originally Posted by RheaSilva
I am a proponant of not giving into crying as long as I know the baby is not wet or hungry.

Quote:

Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?
Ditto. Babies don't cry for no reason. They always cry b/c they NEED something.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I didn't give ds1 whatever he cried for. But I didn't necessarily NOT give it to him just because he was crying. It all depended on if it was something I was ok with him having, regardless of the crying.
However, sometimes, the crying told me that it was more important to him than I originally thought. So sometimes it did affect my decision.

If I DID change my "no" to a "yes" after he cried, I made sure to explain why I was changing my mind, and why I decided it was ok after all.

If I stuck with my "no" I comforted and offered some alternatives.

I did discuss proper ways of asking for something, and of communicating desires, etc. Once he got older, I started insisting on him asking in a proper way before I would consider giving him his "wants". (Needs always get met)


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gena 22* 
. I can't let them go outside without a coat in the 20 degree cold, but I have to go to work and take them with me. I can't put them to bed without a nappy. We've got a lot of tricks up our sleeves, but occasionally I have to use force. A few times putting a diaper has felt like "diaper rape." The girls seem to forget the struggle immediately, but I feel terrible.

Tantrums I can handle, we get some doozies, but I can either hug, breastfeed or let it take its course. But the use of force really bugs me.

What do you do when all else fails? Can it be AP to physically force a toddler to get dressed?

I think it can be AP to gently help a child physically comply with something they need to do. (I know that there are MDC members who strongly disagree with me, that's fine.) My reasoning is this: toddlers and young preschoolers are still very much physical learners. They learn by _doing_ first and other means second. Therefore, if you've said "feet on the floor" and the child is still standing precariously on the arm of the rocking chair, taking the child and putting them on the floor and repeating "feet stay on the floor" makes perfect sense to me.

Ditto for coats. Toddlers need to experience the cold before they realize they need a coat. Discussion ahead of time may or may not be useful. We have family in Minnesota, and when we visited when dd was a toddler, she refused warm clothing. I let her go outside without a coat. She was outside for less than 30 seconds before she understood the need for coat, hat and mittens. I wouldn't have let her stay out long, but I realized that experiencing the cold was far quicker and more useful. I actually think that 20 degrees is warm enough to step outside without a coat on, as long as it's not a long trip. I'd _bring_ a coat, but I wouldn't force a coat.

I fought clothing battles with my kids as little as possible. My kids went places in pjs. If they didn't get dressed before we left, I plopped them in the car and brought clothes. Dd spent a lot of time without clothes on at home. Even last Saturday she went to music class in a sundress and sandals. It was 40 degrees out. (And she's 5 1/2!)

I did feel bad about diapers and carseats, and yeah, that felt like a lot of force sometimes. I perfected the speed diapering technique and tried to make diapering a time for great interaction with my kids. I've bribed for carseats. But this is one of those things where I'm not willing to let my kids experience the consequences because I, as an adult, can see ahead to the potential difficulties. Dd got horrible diaper rashes and if she wasn't changed, it got worse. I'm not going to drive with a child not in a carseat and sometimes we just needed to go.


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilacMama* 
I know AP advises always consoling a crying baby to the absolute best of your ability. I don't have to tell you all the reasons, I'm sure you know them by heart!
Is this spilling over into toddler hood though? Are you scared to let your toddler cry (for any reason) for fear of loss of trust/ emotional damage/ brain damage/ undue stress, etc?

In other words, do you have trouble letting your toddler cry about something because of your beliefs about letting babies cry? Is it okay sometimes to let a toddler cry without calming them down? Do you think that your boundaries, responses to a crying toddler is healthy and appropriate? At what point are you creating a little "tyrant" by letting them control you through their outbursts?

I have never really been afraid to let my LO cry. To me, it is not about letting a baby cry or not. Nor is it about having to calm a baby, ASAP. Whether as a wee babe or as a toddler, DD has always had the *right to express her emotions* (even if I have a hard time hearing my LO cry). Part of my job as a momma has been/is to be present and offer comfort and support (a shoulder to cry on/someone to wipe away the tears). I feel that I am not respecting my child as a human being if I try to prevent or stifle her emotions (not to mention harming her emotional/cognitive development and our parent/child relationship).

Another aspect of my job as a momma is to differentiate between a need and a want. Whereas other babes are more high needs/intense, DD rarely cried. DD's needs were easily met. She was held or worn most of the time, fed on demand, and responded to promptly. As a toddler, DD's emotions are a little bit more varied. Her needs are always met but her _wants are only sometimes met_. As a result, she may cry or get angry. More notably, she is learning that she can't always get what she wants (a basic part of life). But, she is also learning that momma and daddy will always be there for her even if she gets angry at us. I always acknowledge her feelings, offer comfort (verbal and physical), but _do not give in to inappropriate/unsafe wants_. I don't feel guilty setting limits for DD. To me, setting limits is just another aspect of being a responsive parent (as is acknowleding my child's emotions and offering support).


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