# How do your children behave?



## nova22 (Jun 26, 2004)

Poll coming







:

I tried to word the options without labeling all your kids...I hope I did okay.







I'm just curious to see the results here vs. the results with my mainstream, physical punishment-using friends, who frequently talk about their kids' "wild behavior."


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## nova22 (Jun 26, 2004)

....and so far my theory is being confirmed.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

My children behave wonderful. Sure they have their moments (but so do I!!). We are always getting comments about how great they are.


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## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

Of course it may partly be that we have more realistic expectations of behaviour in some cases.


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## pumpkinseed (Aug 6, 2005)

Calidris-I think you are right. There are so many things that I "let" my 2.5 dd do, that other mothers have cringed at and commented on-she is just exploring. No I don't make her sit still and not move-I think a lot of people equate blind obedience with good behavior. I think most people here on the other hand would not.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Calidris* 
Of course it may partly be that we have more realistic expectations of behaviour in some cases.

That could be.
My ds is 2.75. He rarely hits or anything that it totally unacceptable like that. He takes safety rules very seriously- he wouldn't touch a sharp knife if it was sitting right in front of him (of course, I don't take that chance, but still...), he asks before he walks on other people's lawns, etc.
Most of our issues just have to do with totally developmentally appropriate things- like whining, being self centered, having his own opinions (darn opinionated toddlers







) etc. Stuff that others MIGHT think were signs of disobedience, but I know are just signs of being human (and maybe compounded by the fact that he's 2.5. lol)
But, really, sometimes (rarely, of course) I'm surprised by his concern for other peoples desires (like asking every single time if it's ok to pick a dandelion from someone's yard. lol).


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## Spanish Rose (Jan 29, 2007)

I don't know.

My kids are older now.

My youngest is trunign 10 next week, and she's a delight. She had a long stretch of a rather snotty attitude as is typical with the odd years, but she's come out of it and is a delight-- and except when cross, she was last year too.

My oldest is 15 and she's a wonderful lady. Very mature and grown up, and I'm so proud of her. I can't wait to see what she'll become. No behaviors issues with her at all.

Then there's my boy, 12, Aspie. I love him to death. But his behavior goes in swings. He is the sweetest little gentleman, but he sometimes has a hard time with his emotions. Still, I'm proud of him and the progress he's making. And we're enjoying a good stretch right now.

So I don't know what to vote. I'm frequently complemented on them, and I adore them all. But my son's difficulites make voting difficult sometimes. And of course there are the sibling quarrles. Still, we're good here.


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## nova22 (Jun 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinseed* 
Calidris-I think you are right. There are so many things that I "let" my 2.5 dd do, that other mothers have cringed at and commented on-she is just exploring. No I don't make her sit still and not move-I think a lot of people equate blind obedience with good behavior. I think most people here on the other hand would not.

Calidris and everyone else who pointed this out - that's something I hadn't though of. I have learned through trial and error that there is a perfect balance of freedom and protection that I can give my children when we're in public. At the post office, for example, I COULD insist that they stay right by my side, and consider them "bad" if they walk away. I COULD let them run all over the post office and wreak havoc. I CHOOSE to stick with a happy medium - while I'm in line they are allowed to follow the gray tiles that go around the store area, because no matter where they are on those gray tiles, they're well within my eye- and earshot. A lot of my mainstream friends would rather die than let their kids "run around" like that - mostly because they're afraid other people while think they're bad parents for not insisting their kids stand perfectly quiet and still. Which is sad...they shouldn't have to think that.

Deva33mommy ~ you can send your son my way, I have PLENTY of dandelions for him to pick.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Calidris* 
Of course it may partly be that we have more realistic expectations of behaviour in some cases.

I think this is totally the case. I'm sure many things I "let" my son do would cause other parents to think their child was "bad" for doing them. I think it's all about being aware of developmental appropriateness and not setting your child up to fail by having overly high expectations. Having said that, I think that having NO expectations can be equally detrimental...gotta have that balance, man. It's ALL about balance.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I wish you could pick more than one for different children. My oldest has some serious behavior concerns (though, to be fair to him, he also has some special needs), but my middle would fit in the second catagory.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

Mine are generally really nice kids.

Then we have days like today where everyone seems to be crying/fighting or throwing tantrums/taunting each other and I feel like sitting in the shower all night. *sigh*

You know. Normal kid stuff....

so I still vote generally nice with some "off-center" tendencies sometimes


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

My kids actually DO behave really well!


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## mommy2AandZ (Feb 12, 2007)

My kids are good most of the time. Of course the baby can do nothing wrong.... and my 3 yo, he's mostly in "trouble" when he's overtired. So we try to avoid that situation.

And yes, I'm one of those moms' that let their kid pull things off the shelf while shopping, or play on the tractors at home depot, ect. But hey, it's a cheap thrill, it's not hurting him or anyone else..... and it keeps me sane. I don't understand why so many parents want the battle of "no you can't do that".......


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## SunRayeMomi (Aug 27, 2005)

I voted the second option. The baby doesn't count so my older is who I thought of while voting. Of course she's not perfect, I'm not sure how one could vote the first option UNLESS they read into it as suggesting that even the "bad" behaviour has purpose and reason behind it . . .

I know what triggers negative behaviour from my daughter and I know what to do when it happens. She's an absolute delight, but she has her moments. She's human. But yes, I think that Caladris may have the right idea


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

This could be long..I have 4 kids









I voted #2

First two children have a father who has essentially abandoned them for drugs/alcohol. The upheaval in their lives has been particularly challenging however I see them coming through this stronger. My oldest in particular has been terrible to live with but now we are at the point where I no longer think she is mentally ill(her behaviour was so awful I thought this might be possible at one point) and that it's just the hand she was dealt with her dad was really stressful on her.

She is getting older and I can see her actually struggling to change and accept responsibility for her mistakes. She's far from perfect but by me just working really hard on the relationship with her and her step dad stepping up things are really improving.

I think her problems had more to do with the way her dad didn't parent her than the way I did.

So number one kid...pretty good now and I think this age(she is 16) is when the advantages of having a good relationship with your kids comes in. She's going to be fine

Kid number 2..delightful, happy sweet girl. She's almost 13.

kid number 3...amazingly well behaved almost 4 years old..has her moments but they are rare and usually happen when she's exceptionally tired.

kid number 4...she's 18 mos...she's adorable..my whole purpose these days is keeping her alive







..she's very spirited and high energy and loves to climb. Another parent might think she's ill behaved. I think she's normal and fun. But I do get tired.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I can't really answer due to the wording of the poll options. I totally understand that it can be hard to phrase the options just right though, so no worries.









If I were voting I guess I would have picked the second option. It seems the closest to:

_"My kids are not perfect and they do have bad moods, sometimes speak harshly, can be snippy, and sometimes make unwise choices. In other words, they are human."_

Of course that's my answer right now with them being teens. If I answered this poll some years ago I'd have maybe included that my son was a pretty high needs/spirited child. He's always had some..quirks about him I suppose. It's nothing I would label "bad" but it was sometimes trying for him and those around him. We worked it out though.

In any case I have two teenagers that I feel have no real behavioral issues. Perhaps some other people would say that they do, but like you all were discussing above, that's where the personal definition of bad behavior comes in. If my Dd was angry at me, raised her voice, and stormed to her room. I wouldn't really call that bad behavior or a behavior problem. I know that lots of people would though.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I voted the constantly going back, but it tends to be because ds doesn't handle being tired or hungry well. Each day encompasses the extremes of behavior usually. He has always been high needs, sensitive , and spirited, but he is getting better with age. Most likely this is because he needs less sleep and is more wiling to eat (he used to not eat because he was too tired to be willing to eat despite being hungry







: ).


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I have very few behavioral issues with DD. She is a joy to be around 95% of the time. When she was younger (2-4 1/2) she was extremely challenging and there were many days that I did not enjoy being a mother. I would say most nights before bed "tomorrow will be better" and it generally was not.

Now that she is 7, I can honestly say without the tiniest bit of reservation that GD works, it works wonders, it provides a deep wonderful connection that I will have forever.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I couldn't really answer, maybe when DS is older. At this age, there is a lot he does that would be inappropriate in an older child, but is normal for a 2yo. It's not great that he throws fits in public, when, for example, I would not let him wade in a deep rocky pond on a cold overcast day (I know, I'm so strict!!), but I don't consider it being "bad" , I consider it being 2. It's my job to help teach him manage his emotions in a more appropriate way. OTOH, he does some great things I wouldn't expect someone his age to do, like there was this great ball at the park he wanted that belonged to a baby, and after explaining this to DS (who had grabbed it off the ground) a few times -- he walked over and gave it to the baby.

So yes, my son is perfect in every way.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nova22* 
I'm just curious to see the results here vs. the results with my mainstream, physical punishment-using friends, who frequently talk about their kids' "wild behavior."

....and so far my theory is being confirmed.

Have you posted an identical poll on a mainstream board so that you can make a direct comparison of the results?

I see lots and lots (and lots!) of posts here by parents complaining of their kids' "wild behavior." Your mainstream friends may be venting to you in the moment about their kids' behavior but overall feel that their kids are well behaved, just like posters here vent in the moment but overall would say that their kids are well behaved.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:

*UnschoolnMa Posted:* I can't really answer due to the wording of the poll options. I totally understand that it can be hard to phrase the options just right though, so no worries.

If I were voting I guess I would have picked the second option. It seems the closest to:

Quote:

"My kids are not perfect and they do have bad moods, sometimes speak harshly, can be snippy, and sometimes make unwise choices. In other words, they are human."

Yeah, this. I can't really vote either. My kids do not do "bad things." They don't lie, they don't steal, they don't push or kick or hit. They don't break things, they don't cheat. They think about making right choices.

But they do get crabby. They yell sometimes. They argue, and they stomp and storm sometimes. They bicker, and they whine fairly often. Sometimes they get too "wild" for their environment to accomodate their needs, and we have to shift our plans to get them outdoors or to get them some exersize. But I guess I don't really view these things as "behavior problems," since they are true of everyone I know. Everyone I know has emotional ups and downs that are sometimes difficult for the people they live with.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Overall, things are such a daily struggle that I feel like GD has utterly failed me ( or I, it, however you may view it).


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Yeah, this. I can't really vote either. My kids do not do "bad things." They don't lie, they don't steal, they don't push or kick or hit. They don't break things, they don't cheat. They think about making right choices.

Mine DO push, hit, kick, and break things at times. DS often grabs things that another child was playing with. I don't see much in the way of lying though, thank goodness!

I voted for #3, as DS alternates between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and DD2 can have wild tantrums if she's been exposed to something she's sensitive to. DD1 is the only one who doesn't ever get violent at times (except in self defense.)


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## sdm1024 (Sep 4, 2006)

they are wonderful people who are still learning how to be in this world.


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## Cranberry (Mar 18, 2002)

DS's behavior is great most of the time.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

My dd is only 18 months old. She listens when she wants to, unless we are in public. I don't know what it is about being in public, but she does not behave or listen whatsoever. I try to avoid taking her out alone. She is impossible. Forget taking her to church. She isn't that bad at home. I would say she is actually pretty good at home. I don't think her behavior is related to my parenting, though. I think she would be a difficult kid no matter how I raised her. She is just one of those kids with that "spark" if ya know what I mean. She has always been high needs. She occassionally pinches or bites us, but it is not when she is angry. It is when she is being playful. She does not get violent when she is angry. But she does get VERY vocal.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I think my kids act their age most of the time. My 2 yo is a handful (and unlike a pp's son, she _has_ hit, gone after knives, etc.) but she's . . .two. My 5 yo has times where she does what I want her to do and times where she won't. When she was 2 she did not do what my 2 yo does because her personality is entirely different. What more can I expect?

In my case, it is more of a question of how I behave.

My biggest GD challenge is, at the end of the day, feeling at peace with how I behaved, how I handled what life handed me. Did I speak gently? Did I set the stage for problem-solving? Did everyone feel safe today? Loved? Accepted? These are my goals and what I do struggle with. If my _child_ had a tantrum in public, oh well. If _I_ lost my patience (had a tantrum myself) with her during her tantrum-- uh oh.

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think parents give themselves entirely too much credit and/or blame for their children. I find it more helpful to focus on my behavior vs. my child's, if that makes sense.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think parents given themselves entirely too much credit and/or blame for their children. I find it more helpful to focus on my behavior vs. my child's, if that makes sense.


This is my thought exactly. I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old - their personalities are like night and day. My 4 year old, the poor soul, has been a struggle to deal with since he came into the world. We're dealing with speech delay, social delays, bowel issues and seeking counselling for behavioural/emotional issues. I've done attachment parenting. I've done the best I could and can, most days, as a parent. My son is not a well-behaved happy lad.







It breaks my heart. My second son is a cheery fellow who always is happy and is a perpetually calm baby that fills our household with joy. He rarely cries (my first born has had horrible crying meltdowns since he was born). I've done nothing different.

My biggest challenge right now is learning how to accept my older son's personality and help him deal with his anxieties and frustrations.

One thing I've learn from my second child - he's darn happy and "easy". If I only had children like him, I"d have no idea how darn hard it is to parent an explosive child and I'd likely not "get" that a lot of this difficult behaviour is, IMO, wired into the child. My older son has had "issues" since he was born. So, attachment parenting may have helped improve his life, but, we are still struggling with a handful of issues. I've noticed that people whose children are less a "handful" than my son, tend to think the child's easy manner is due to them. Yes, I have two boys - totally opposite personalities and I've done nothing different - they've been treated the same.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I think my goal in GD is to raise healthy, emotionally sound adults.

During the childhood/teen years that may sometimes not feel like it's happening,especially with those spirited, sensitive children or those who have been handed a bad deal in some way(like my older kids with their dad)

I just hope that by focussing on the relationship/attachment, when they are "raised" they are emotionally strong and healthy.

and when I am at my wits end and doubting GD and thinking it's not "working" I always say to myself "think how much worse the behaviour would be if it were not for GD" and it gets me through.

I KNOW this is the way because I can't think of a better way that will work for the ultimate goal...raising happy adults.


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## libranbutterfly (Jan 12, 2007)

My two year old is going back and forth lately, I think Daddy's lack of belive in GD is a major contributing factor. Some days its almost like blind obidience (not that I abuse it, we just do more these days) and other days she answers any question just like her daddy ("just a second, then doesn't move







) or screams at every little thing. The baby i still mostly good.


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sdm1024* 
they are wonderful people who are still learning how to be in this world.

Thats my child too.


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## eightyferrettoes (May 22, 2005)

As long as they're well-rested, they are both pretty mellow to handle.

If they're late for a nap or stayed up too late, there's no sort of "discipline," either gentle or not, that will hold back the tsunami! They're a lot like their mama like that.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

My 6yo is having a hard time right now but most of the time she's a great kid. She has tantrums sometimes on her bad days. We have started counseling and it seems to be helping her get more good days.

My 3yo-- well she's three. Self explanatory. Sweet kid who sometimes screams, fights, throws things.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *warriorprincess* 
Overall, things are such a daily struggle that I feel like GD has utterly failed me ( or I, it, however you may view it).









- anything we can do to help?


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

My DH and I are in a vicious circle where he adamantly REFUSES to accede to anything GD except fpr not spanking, and I refuse to punish for every little thing like he does (like, he will give the kids TO for not closong the screen door)-we then end up overcompensating for the other, therefore our kids are terribly confused because there are two different and oppositional parenting styles going on. I asked him of he would sit down with a third party and hammer out some compromises and he even refused to do that. I blame that more than anything for their difficult behaviour ( though DH blames my "permissiveness", which is funny given how I compare to most of the mamas here.)

I'm trying to do all I can personally to be more calm and less punitive while somehow maintaing the standards Dh can be happy with.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I picked #2 - I think in comparison to the kids around us, my kids are well behaved to normal. That said my standards are a bit higher than normal, and there are always things I am working on.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

I had trouble with the wording of the post, because if dd has a hard time, I don't think of it in terms of her doing something "wrong".

Usually, she's predictable and easy to "guide" (not sure of the best word, but I think people know what I mean). We're trying to help her self-govern and for the most part she makes good decisions.


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## FamilyGrl (May 10, 2007)

My son is generally good but he definitely has his fits.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
My biggest GD challenge is, at the end of the day, feeling at peace with how I behaved, how I handled what life handed me. Did I speak gently? Did I set the stage for problem-solving? Did everyone feel safe today? Loved? Accepted? These are my goals and what I do struggle with. If my _child_ had a tantrum in public, oh well. If _I_ lost my patience (had a tantrum myself) with her during her tantrum-- uh oh










but at the same time, GD starts with GDing ourselves, so it is also about learning to say, well, today I handled this crisis this way, I prefer next time to handle it another way, you know going forward, a step at a time, without bashing ourselves. Not easy, not easy... even more difficult than not judging your kids is not judging yourself...

Also, I think the results of the poll are not so informative. Looking at the boards, you really see that much more than 66% of the mamas out there are struggling. But then, as a pp was saying, if both my kids had been mellow and easy, I would have learnt much less being their parent. I am grateful for that.
It was part of my journey to learn (and _I am_ learning, slowly) not just to appear calm but to develop inner calm, even through the storm of my two daughters bickering, of my dd2 running away from the dinner table at the restaurant etc etc... It was also part of their journey on this earth to have _me_ as a mama...


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## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

I voted that my 3-year-old goes back and forth because he intentionally doesn't listen and sees what happens when he doesn't listen. He has been hitting, pushing and kicking lately. We deal with it kindly but firmly.

He's never done it before until now. He's going to be 4 in September. However, he only does this when he's extremely frustrated. His frustration threshold is not high, however.

I recognize the wild stubbornness that I had too at that age -- and even older! I was well-behaved, just very stubborn.

I think it's all subjective, though. Many people who know my ds would say he's great most of the time. But I think he saves the best for me


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