# A foster child came to me asking for help...



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

So, legally, what could I have done? And, what should I do now?

I stopped at a gas station in another town. (our towns all run together, so this was only 10 minutes from my home)

Just as I finished up, a little girl came up to me. She's about 10 years old. She said "I have to go somewhere, and now I don't know how to go there" So, I had her explain that she has to meet with her case worker on 101 & (name of road) But, she couldn't go across 101. She didn't come right out and ask, but she wanted me to drive her there.

I asked her name, and she told me her last name. Then I asked if she had a sister (because she looks just like an older girl I know who lives nearby) She said "Yes, but I'm just a foster kid".

She didn't want to call her Foster mother because she was running away.

I didn't know what to do... But, I'm pretty sure I can't let her get in my van. Right? Isn't that very illegal?

I asked her to go to the daycare center that was across a busy street (in rush hour) and go inside and ask them for help. She said "OK", and then a car pulled up right behind my van. The woman just glared at the child. The little girl said "I'm not getting in". The woman said "It's either get in, or I call the cops".

I asked the girl who the lady was, she confirmed that it was her foster mom. She told the mom "I'm not getting in, I don't want to be in trouble". The Mom said "Well, you are, you caused a lot of people a lot of trouble today".

So, I felt HORRIBLE, but I left. When I pulled away, the little girl had run to the side of the parking lot, but the lady drove up to her. The mom never got out, but talked to her from the car. (which was probably less confrontational, and that part didn't make me uncomfortable)

On one hand, the little girl seemed to choose me out of all the people in the gas station. Maybe it was my mom clothes, or my mom van... But, she walked past about 12 other cars to me. So, that was a really good decision on her part. But, on the other hand, I didn't really do anything to help her.

Should I try to track her caseworker down tomorrow? Or just drop it. The mom was very angry, but not scary. I am sure the little girl did cause trouble. And, had to face her consequences... but, I just feel like I dropped the ball.


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## Pepper44 (May 16, 2006)

What a tough situation! I would try to call the caseworker and be sure everything is ok, or just let the case worker know. They might not be able to give you any personal info about the situation, but at least you would have a bit of closure.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

You have her last name, at least you could try to navigate the system and tell them what you witnessed with the foster mom.

I'd be worried about that girl, many foster homes are great, but then you hear the occasional bad story.

Sorry that is really strange situation to be in.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I would have called the police, or failing that, I would have called CPS. This was a minor child, possibly a runaway. She was at great risk for exploitation. I would call CPS today.


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## la mamita (Apr 10, 2005)

Another vote for call CPS. This is precisely the kind of information they NEED to investigate.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

I would have definitely called the police too. A scared little girl could mean a huge problem. Hopefully not but better to be safe for her sake.
At least the cops could have taken a report and looked into things.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I would definitely try to do what I could - call CPS, try to get in touch with the foster childs case-worker, BUT I just want to point out that the foster mother might not be bad. It might be an ok situation, and of course she was angry - she'd just been all over the place looking for the girl! You just don't know.

It's a scary situation, and I think in your shoes I would have called 911 to report the child as a run-away, and possibly in danger to let them sort it out. Then, when the foster mother showed up, you could have told her that 911 was on their way, and would she mind waiting so they can clear things up?

I don't know, I wouldn't want to jump into the conclusion that the foster family was terrible b/c the girl ran away - although its entirely possible - you don't know based on the info given. (the OP may have more info than we do and may know that it is in fact a bad situation - but from whats posted its impossible to know).


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## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

I would call CPS.

You really never know what's going on...but a little girl approaching a stranger in a gas station needs to be checked up on.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I don't know, I wouldn't want to jump into the conclusion that the foster family was terrible b/c the girl ran away - although its entirely possible - you don't know based on the info given. (the OP may have more info than we do and may know that it is in fact a bad situation - but from whats posted its impossible to know).

I didn't get the feeling that the foster parents were bad people. The mom stayed in the car, which seemed like the best thing to do, they were able to talk in a non confrontational way. I didn't get a super good feeling about her either... just not a imminent danger feeling.

I just feel bad that any child is in this situation at all. She's a beautiful, perfect kid who's been forced by the adults in her life to live with people who don't love her the way her real mom should love her. Nobody should feel like they don't belong. (these foster parents may love her... but, it's not the same as a normal loving mature biological parent, or adoptive parents)


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## jammomma (Nov 17, 2008)

That she said that she was "just a foster child" makes me so sad.







I don't know what you could have done. But I hope that little girl finds someone in this world that makes her feel loved and special.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Wow, I'm shocked at the number of people who say to call CPS. Other than the child making it on her runaway bid far enough to approach a stranger, I can't see what's "wrong" here. Kid tries to run away, parent or foster parent searches for them, finds them, talks to them, brings them home. Isn't that what should happen if a troubled child tries to run away? I might call the caseworker just to let her know, but I can't imagine why it would ever involve CPS.


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## NYMommy2007 (Jul 6, 2010)

I think this is a situation to call CPS because a foster child is under the care of CPS.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

I think calling CPS in case there is some serious abuse or such going on in the home. I think the assumption is that it takes quite a bit of bad stuff to get a kid desperate enough to run away and approach a complete stranger for help.









I'm guessing I would have stayed with the child and called the police to come and figure out the situation. Could it be "normal" pre-teen angst causing her to run away? Sure. Or it could be something else. The desperation of approaching a stranger at a gas station just sets off a huge red flag for me.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Wow, I'm shocked at the number of people who say to call CPS. Other than the child making it on her runaway bid far enough to approach a stranger, I can't see what's "wrong" here. Kid tries to run away, parent or foster parent searches for them, finds them, talks to them, brings them home. Isn't that what should happen if a troubled child tries to run away? I might call the caseworker just to let her know, but I can't imagine why it would ever involve CPS.

I don't really know too much about these things, but doesn't the caseworker work for CPS? And, since the little girl was trying to get to her caseworker, I'd definitely try to track him/her down and fill them in.


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## rhiOrion (Feb 17, 2009)

Yeah, this isn't a case of where calling CPS might mean that CPS unnecessarily intrudes on someone's lives and makes it miserable. CPS is already a part of their lives. I agree that calling CPS/caseworker today and just letting them know in a calm manner is the way to go. They have way more information than you have- about the child and the family.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I would have called the police or taken her there.

She may have been meeting someone, but it may not have been her caseworker. Why would her caseworker meet her on a corner, one that she couldn't get to. This girl could have been meeting someone she'd met on the internet.


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## aslyn (Dec 12, 2007)

well i dunno, a kid that age can get upset and try to run away..i did it, not to that extreme but i got half way down the street and my mom came and got me..my dd decided to pack up and leave one day when her cousin told her nobody wanted her there (we were staying with them), she packed up some clothes in a bookbag and headed for the door in tears and then I walked into the room and found out what happened of course I snatched her up and hugged her and told her I wanted her and loved her and we would be getting our own house soon..which we did. but the point is kids will take extreme actions over the craziest things! I probably woulda walked her into the station and called the cops since I would be a complete stranger.


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## la mamita (Apr 10, 2005)

Let me clarify, as someone who works in child welfare: This is not a case of definite child abuse or neglect. However, a foster child is under the care of the state and CPS is their "guardian". An incident where a child is attempting to run away from a foster care placement is something that CPS definitely NEEDS to know about, so they can do a further investigation. It might mean there is abuse going on in the foster care home, it might mean the little girl is very troubled and needs therapy, it might just mean she needs more attention from her caseworker, it might just mean she had a bad day. But, as a foster care child, CPS is her guardian and thus needs all the information possible about her situation. You are not accusing the foster care parent of abuse, you are providing more information for her caseworker who can follow up with that family.

Perhaps most people on this board aren't aware that CPS has two different functions: investigating suspected abuse or neglect, and caring for children where abuse or neglect has been confirmed (often in foster care, but also with the child in the home and parents in treatment).

Please make this phone call today and talk to her caseworker.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
Wow, I'm shocked at the number of people who say to call CPS. Other than the child making it on her runaway bid far enough to approach a stranger, I can't see what's "wrong" here. Kid tries to run away, parent or foster parent searches for them, finds them, talks to them, brings them home. Isn't that what should happen if a troubled child tries to run away? I might call the caseworker just to let her know, but I can't imagine why it would ever involve CPS.

Her caseworker is part of CPS, I personally would have asked her to give me the number of her caseworker ( since she said she was on her way to meet her ) and then called her from my cell. But given that the foster parent showed up so quickly I'm not sure there would have been time for that.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

At the risk of getting flamed.....here's my 2 cents.

I would have taken her where she wanted to go and I would have asked the foster mom why the child was so afraid of her. If foster mom called the cops that would have been great, then the little girl would have more advocates.....then I get to tell my side of the story and the little girl has another advocate. Obviously the child was afraid, I don't believe she would have approached a total stranger unless she wasn't. If the little girl had caused some kind of trouble the case worker would have been a mediator between the little girl and the foster mom. Of course the foster mom isn't going to cause a ruckus in a parking lot out in public, of course she is going to play it completely calm and "together". The little girl clearly did not want to go with the foster mom. Huge. Red. Flag.

Hind sight is always 20/20 and we can say what we would have done, should have done or could have done but there is really no way to know unless it happens to you. Maybe you did the right thing....I wish the system was 100% but it's not and it really sucks for the children, who are the point anyway.


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## neetling (Jan 24, 2006)

I think I would have called the police. She was young and seeking help. I wouldn't have taken her to the corner in case it was a predator or something, because I can't imagine a caseworker not picking her up at her house or school or something.

I wouldn't have wanted her to go with the foster mom w/o the police or CPS checking out the situation.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I am surprised at the folks who don't know why this constitutes a serious call to 911 or CPS. This was reprotedly a 10 y/o girl, trying to reach a destination without a clear plan, at a gas station, asking for help. This child was in need of immediate help. The risk is high for unwanted attention, or worse, in this situation.

I don't think putting her in the car and driving her would be a good plan. Staying there until the police arrived, perhaps waiting in the gas station, would have been appropriate.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

So, I made two phone calls. One to CPS, they said "You can not even imaging how many K****** G******** we have in our system, at least 1000 with that name." I told her what I could, and she said she'd do her best, but it would be very hard without a birth date or address of a foster home.

Then, I called the nearest grade school. They have only a few kids by that name, and none of them are in foster care.

I'm still sad, and clearly uneducated about how many kids are in foster care.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *neetling* 
I think I would have called the police. She was young and seeking help. I wouldn't have taken her to the corner in case it was a predator or something, because I can't imagine a caseworker not picking her up at her house or school or something.

I wouldn't have wanted her to go with the foster mom w/o the police or CPS checking out the situation.


I would have taken her to meet her caseworker (but called the police to let them know to cover my own hiney) and then I would have stayed with her to check the caseworker's ID and called CPS to verify that she was, in fact, a caseworker.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
So, I made two phone calls. One to CPS, they said "You can not even imaging how many K****** G******** we have in our system, at least 1000 with that name." I told her what I could, and she said she'd do her best, but it would be very hard without a birth date or address of a foster home.

Then, I called the nearest grade school. They have only a few kids by that name, and none of them are in foster care.

I'm still sad, and clearly uneducated about how many kids are in foster care.

Would a description of the foster mother's vehicle help at all?


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *la mamita* 
Let me clarify, as someone who works in child welfare: This is not a case of definite child abuse or neglect. However, a foster child is under the care of the state and CPS is their "guardian".

Okay, now I understand. If she knew how to reach her caseworker, then I think calling her directly and waiting would make the most sense. If you had the caseworkers number, then calling afterward so she'd know about the incident would make sense. I think it's good you called, and unfortunate they can't find the child in their system. Any chance she's not actually a foster kid, given what the school said? Didn't you say she looked like an older child you know?


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
So, I made two phone calls. One to CPS, they said "You can not even imaging how many K****** G******** we have in our system, at least 1000 with that name." I told her what I could, and she said she'd do her best, but it would be very hard without a birth date or address of a foster home.

Then, I called the nearest grade school. They have only a few kids by that name, and none of them are in foster care.

I'm still sad, and clearly uneducated about how many kids are in foster care.

I'm glad you called. It does seem pretty unlikely, though, that there would be a large number of foster kids in your area with the same name. Even if you lived in New York City and the child's name was some super common name, I can't imagine _hundreds_. Was this the number for the state? Or for a local office? If it was a state office, maybe it would be possible to get a number for a local office?








I can imagine how hard being in that situation was and continues to be.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

OP, you did the best you could. I think it's good you contacted CPS. Hopefully the person you spoke to will be able to track down the little girl. It makes me said she said she's "just a foster kid"









Since she risked asking a stranger to take her somewhere I wonder if there was something she wanted to tell the case worker that she's unable to say in front of the foster mother. In any event, I hope the little girl is okay.

I do want to suggest calling CPS again on another day. You may get another person on the phone who's willing to dig a little further.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

That response from CPS seems weird to me. Even if her name was Jane Doe, they seriously have thousands of kids with an active file with that name? I don't believe that. Sounds like a brush off to me.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Latte Mama* 
That response from CPS seems weird to me. Even if her name was Jane Doe, they seriously have thousands of kids with an active file with that name? I don't believe that. Sounds like a brush off to me.

I agree, 1000s of kids in one state with the same name all in foster care?

I have to say call again, many times you get some really unhelpful person dealing with DSHS, CPS, family services type stuff....There are social workers who care and those who just don't give a crap. I dealt with calling the state a few times with my pregnancy medical because my paperwork was screwed up and I had 3 instances where the people were plainly grumpy and awful(2 women, 1 man). Then I finally got a woman who was awesome, she said she didn't understand why I was denied at first and then qualified. She actually took the time to help in my time of need instead of the others who treated me like I was just another loser looking for a handout.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Honestly? I would have brought her to her case worker. After the mom showed up, I would have called CPS and let them know the situation. The girl was trying to reach her case worker, so I would do my best to make sure her case worker is aware that this girl needed to speak with her.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Norasmomma* 
I agree, 1000s of kids in one state with the same name all in foster care?
.

\

No.. she said hundreds... I got crazy with the zeros.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

However, a foster child is under the care of the state and CPS is their "guardian". An incident where a child is attempting to run away from a foster care placement is something that CPS definitely NEEDS to know about, so they can do a further investigation.
I would have taken her to the police so the police could deal with it too. Most people would not know whether it was a foster child or a non-foster child. Taking her to the police(or calling the police & waiting for them to come) would give the police a chance to find out who she was & then CPS/Caseworker would be involved then.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

I would have tucked the child in my car and called 911. I would not have moved my car one inch for fear of being accused of abduction. If the foster mother had happened upon the scene as the child was getting in my car, I would have calmly asked her to wait with me for the police. While the child was in my car, I would have tried to get the case worker's number.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Same here. Call 911, wait for the cops, don't let that kid out of my sight until I have a cop or social worker on-scene to establish identities, make the judgement call, etc. And same goes for a kid who approaches me in a parking lot caliming to be running from their _biological_ parents. How am I to know that the lady cruising up in the van is really (foster) mom? 911 for sure, for anything more complicated than a wandering child being immediately pursued by a frantic caregiver who had just turned their back for a minute.

But as others have said, hindsight is 20/20. Don't beat yourself up, OP - but do call CPS again, and see if you get somebody a little less hideous on the phone. They do NOT have hundreds of kids with the same name in foster care. See if you can get through to the social worker. For instance, if you said "I have information relating to a possible safety issue in KidsName's foster home, I need to speak to her worker ASAP," you might get more traction. Refuse to discuss details, leave a message, and maybe you'll get a call back. And if they then claim that there is no KidsName in the system - well, maybe you encountered a biokid telling a lie in the hopes of getting a lift from you.


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## bella99 (Sep 25, 2008)

I work in foster care and I don't see anything wrong if you had called the police at the time, especially if she was saying she was planning on running away (we get enough "elopements" in the program I work in that it's not surprising, but it's usually teenagers).

But a lot of people here have commented on a child seeking out a stranger; that doesn't surprise me. I've worked with a lot of kids over the last 8 years, and because of the multiple transitions they've had, it's not surprising that a child in foster care would be comfortable just talking to a stranger.

However, I also don't think you're going to get anywhere with CPS or whatever the Department of Social Services is called there. At least, they aren't going to tell you anything, even if they followed up on your call (which they might have done, regardless of what you were told over the phone). You're not a party to the case, and therefore, they won't and legally shouldn't be revealing any information to you.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
\

No.. she said hundreds... I got crazy with the zeros.

Well that makes it much more sense.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
At the risk of getting flamed.....here's my 2 cents.

I would have taken her where she wanted to go and I would have asked the foster mom why the child was so afraid of her. If foster mom called the cops that would have been great, then *the little girl would have more advocates.*....then I get to tell my side of the story and the little girl has another advocate. *Obviously the child was afraid,* *I don't believe she would have approached a total stranger unless she wasn't.* If the little girl had caused some kind of trouble the case worker would have been a mediator between the little girl and the foster mom. *Of course the foster mom isn't going to cause a ruckus in a parking lot out in public, of course she is going to play it completely calm and "together". The little girl clearly did not want to go with the foster mom. Huge. Red. Flag.*

Hind sight is always 20/20 and we can say what we would have done, should have done or could have done but there is really no way to know unless it happens to you. Maybe you did the right thing....I wish the system was 100% but it's not and it really sucks for the children, who are the point anyway.

Um, wow. Yeah certainly its ONE possibility that the little girl is being abused by her awful FP, is afraid of her, and someone needs to look into it further.

But its also likely, perhaps MORE likely, that this is a little girl with emotional issues, with a history of running away, etc. The fact that you said this little girl woudnt go with a stranger unless she was afraid....have you never heard of RAD (reactive attachment disorder)?? MANY kids who have grown up with neglect have this, and even if they dont have RAD they may have a total lack of boundaries, of understanding what is safe and what is not. If the child was "afraid" its POSSIBLE that she knew when she got home she was in for some heavy duty consequences for her actions (no tv for a week, stay in her room all night, no phone,whatever.) Who knows if she was REALLY meeting her caseworker (why would the caseworker not meet her at home?!?) Maybe i'm jaded but the fact that she said "im just a foster child" doesnt make me feel all







it makes me







...i'm thinking "oh she played the 'pity me im just a foster child, now give me what i want' card!"

I wasnt there and cant judge the "vibe" the OP got from the girl, but please PLEASE be aware some kids are REALLY good at charming strangers and getting what they want. I'm living with one!!! It really sucks for everyone to think how wonderful and sweet and problem-free your kid is, wonder why you are so strict, even "mean" to her, wonder why you are so quick to give a consequence for some "minor" transgression...when they dont live with her. You have no idea if this girl has a mental health diagnosis, a history of running away, etc. You dont know if this is the tenth time this month this girl has run away.

Where i live the caseworker has nothing to do with CPS, most foster children are placed with private agencies with their own caseworkers, totally independant of DHS...you would probably eventually be able to get to the agency worker via a call to CPS but frankly they have so much stuff to deal with they might not really have the incentive for "this little girl said she was a foster child, she looked to be running away, then her mom showed up, was mad about it, and they drove away." That sounds like a pretty *average* day with a (possibly) troubled ten yr old foster child.

(i'd have to reread the OP but is it only what the girl said, that we know she IS a foster child? she could have just been saying that! did the mom confirm??)

I think there may have been different responses had this been posted on the Adoptive and Foster Parents board.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Ditto all PPs who said they would have asked for the caseworker's name and number and called myself, then waiting with the child. When the foster mom pulled up I would have said "the caseworker is on their way" or whatever the worker said and that instructions were for to wait for the worker, and I would have waited with the child. Foster mom may have been pissed, but especially if you'd been able to really talk to the worker it might have been exactly the right thing to do.

Now that you've called CPS and they kinda blew you off, I'd say call again and as a PP said, ask whether a description of the foster mom and her car would help. Also a description of the child. You can even tell them you don't care if they tell *you* whether they know who you mean, you just want to make sure if the child is in trouble that someone is looking into it.

But even in a bigger city I agree, the idea that there would be HUNDREDS of kids with the SAME name in foster care with open cases... that sounds ridiculous and almost impossible. Please call again, and if you get the same person call again after hours or at a different time and try to get someone else.

Best of luck, the girl is lucky you're still thinking of her and trying to figure out how to help. And please don't assume that because you didn't get a bad feeling from the foster mom, there isn't real serious trouble. We just had foster parents in our state who everyone swore were totally great badly abuse a child and part of why they did it for so long is no one could believe they could/would do it. Looks mean very little... bottom line a 10 yr old alone at a gas station asking for help is an indication of serious trouble no matter how you cut it, even if the problem isn't necessarily her foster mom.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I just feel bad that any child is in this situation at all. She's a beautiful, perfect kid who's been forced by the adults in her life to live with people who don't love her the way her real mom should love her. Nobody should feel like they don't belong. (these foster parents may love her... but, it's not the same as a normal loving mature biological parent, or adoptive parents)

I know you want to help. I'm sure this was a difficult encounter. But, you really don't know if the child is a "perfect kid" and how her foster parents (if she is, in fact, a foster child) feel about her. I adopted one of my foster kids and will be adopting another next month. I've never given birth, but I can't imagine loving my kids any more than I do. And for these two children, my feelings kicked in really early on in our relationship.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
Um, wow. Yeah certainly its ONE possibility that the little girl is being abused by her awful FP, is afraid of her, and someone needs to look into it further.

But its also likely, perhaps MORE likely, that this is a little girl with emotional issues, with a history of running away, etc. The fact that you said this little girl woudnt go with a stranger unless she was afraid....have you never heard of RAD (reactive attachment disorder)?? MANY kids who have grown up with neglect have this, and even if they dont have RAD they may have a total lack of boundaries, of understanding what is safe and what is not. If the child was "afraid" its POSSIBLE that she knew when she got home she was in for some heavy duty consequences for her actions (no tv for a week, stay in her room all night, no phone,whatever.) Who knows if she was REALLY meeting her caseworker (why would the caseworker not meet her at home?!?) Maybe i'm jaded but the fact that she said "im just a foster child" doesnt make me feel all







it makes me







...i'm thinking "oh she played the 'pity me im just a foster child, now give me what i want' card!"

I wasnt there and cant judge the "vibe" the OP got from the girl, but please PLEASE be aware some kids are REALLY good at charming strangers and getting what they want. I'm living with one!!! It really sucks for everyone to think how wonderful and sweet and problem-free your kid is, wonder why you are so strict, even "mean" to her, wonder why you are so quick to give a consequence for some "minor" transgression...when they dont live with her. You have no idea if this girl has a mental health diagnosis, a history of running away, etc. You dont know if this is the tenth time this month this girl has run away.

{Snip}

I think there may have been different responses had this been posted on the Adoptive and Foster Parents board.

I agree. I've never fostered an older child but I have many friends who have (including you) and it's impossible to know what's really going on from a casual encounter.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
Um, wow. Yeah certainly its ONE possibility that the little girl is being abused by her awful FP, is afraid of her, and someone needs to look into it further.

But its also likely, perhaps MORE likely, that this is a little girl with emotional issues, with a history of running away, etc. The fact that you said this little girl woudnt go with a stranger unless she was afraid....have you never heard of RAD (reactive attachment disorder)?? MANY kids who have grown up with neglect have this, and even if they dont have RAD they may have a total lack of boundaries, of understanding what is safe and what is not. If the child was "afraid" its POSSIBLE that she knew when she got home she was in for some heavy duty consequences for her actions (no tv for a week, stay in her room all night, no phone,whatever.) Who knows if she was REALLY meeting her caseworker (why would the caseworker not meet her at home?!?) Maybe i'm jaded but the fact that she said "im just a foster child" doesnt make me feel all







it makes me







...i'm thinking "oh she played the 'pity me im just a foster child, now give me what i want' card!"

I wasnt there and cant judge the "vibe" the OP got from the girl, but please PLEASE be aware some kids are REALLY good at charming strangers and getting what they want. I'm living with one!!! It really sucks for everyone to think how wonderful and sweet and problem-free your kid is, wonder why you are so strict, even "mean" to her, wonder why you are so quick to give a consequence for some "minor" transgression...when they dont live with her. You have no idea if this girl has a mental health diagnosis, a history of running away, etc. You dont know if this is the tenth time this month this girl has run away.

Where i live the caseworker has nothing to do with CPS, most foster children are placed with private agencies with their own caseworkers, totally independant of DHS...you would probably eventually be able to get to the agency worker via a call to CPS but frankly they have so much stuff to deal with they might not really have the incentive for "this little girl said she was a foster child, she looked to be running away, then her mom showed up, was mad about it, and they drove away." That sounds like a pretty *average* day with a (possibly) troubled ten yr old foster child.

(i'd have to reread the OP but is it only what the girl said, that we know she IS a foster child? she could have just been saying that! did the mom confirm??)

I think there may have been different responses had this been posted on the Adoptive and Foster Parents board.


mmm...well.....there is THAT side as well, but you know I think I'd rather be wrong about someone than take the chance and the opposite happen. Yeah, I know kids play you...I have nine children of my own that TRY do it all the time...







but this little girl was asking for help and there is just no way I would let it pass without at least TRYING to help her.

How many kids have had people make that kind of judgment (the whole "she must be playing me" idea) about them and they do absolutely nothing about it, and then it turns out they were wrong? I know it's not an overwhelming amount, it's probably not even a medium amount....but I'd rather be played by a kid (who probably does it as a survival instinct anyway) than to be part of their problem.

We don't know what this little girl's situation was...but I choose to give the benefit of the doubt and then hope that I AM wrong.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
mmm...well.....there is THAT side as well, but you know I think I'd rather be wrong about someone than take the chance and the opposite happen. Yeah, I know kids play you...I have nine children of my own that TRY do it all the time...







but this little girl was asking for help and there is just no way I would let it pass without at least TRYING to help her.

How many kids have had people make that kind of judgment (the whole "she must be playing me" idea) about them and they do absolutely nothing about it, and then it turns out they were wrong? I know it's not an overwhelming amount, it's probably not even a medium amount....but I'd rather be played by a kid (who probably does it as a survival instinct anyway) than to be part of their problem.

We don't know what this little girl's situation was...but I choose to give the benefit of the doubt and then hope that I AM wrong.

It doesnt make sense though. People are acting like the OP saw an act of abuse and that she should report it. THe little girl said she was going to meet her caseworker right? so if the child didnt show up, wouldnt the caseworker just go to the foster home? Why is the caseworker meeting a ten yr old child on a corner somewhere instead of at the agency or in the FH? It can't hurt to follow up, i guess...but i take issue with how most posters seem to be putting this on the FM. I didnt really see anything in the OP that would make me want to report this to anyone, is it ideal that this child approached a stranger? no. but the child herself said the caseworker was already involved in the situation. So i'm not sure what else is supposed to happen.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

(i'd have to reread the OP but is it only what the girl said, that we know she IS a foster child? she could have just been saying that! did the mom confirm??)
Most 10 year olds aren't going to be familiar enough with the terms "foster kid" and "caseworker" to make a compelling lie to a stranger, or even be that comfortable approaching a stranger in a scenario like that, so I'm inclined to believe that she is, in fact, a foster child. Whether she was telling the truth is a different story. I also find it odd that the caseworker would be meeting her in some weird place that the child couldn't walk to.

I probably would have called the cops and let them sort it all out.


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## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

You did not do anything wrong. This girl is probably used to manipulating adults, and tried it w/ you. If the foster mom had not driven up, I would have called the police. Hopefully the girl finds the help and security and love that she needs, but there was nothing you could offer to her.


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

It seems a lot of people think that the girl's caseworker was A. expecting her and B. standing out on a corner somewhere.

I didn't really get that. Many times when I get directions to someplace, I'll be told it "at the corner of Broadway and Main". Its a pretty common way for someone to give directions. Is it possible that the caseworker's office building is in the location or general vicinity? Also, when she said she "had to meet someone" I didn't get the idea that the someone was waiting for her. She was running away. If the caseworker KNEW she was running away, she'd presumably have told the kid to stay put and come to her. It really not uncommon for someone in need of help to say they need to meet with someone whom they think can help them. I've worked jobs where I've had to screen the boss's calls because everyone thinks they have an appointment whether its true or not. I'm sure a 9 year old girl might think she could just walk into the caseworkers office and the caseworker would be waiting for her. And, she probably could. I mean, if I was a caseworker and a kid showed up unannounced at my office, you can bet I'd let them in no matter how busy I was. I guess I'm not getting any indication that the caseworker actually knew the girl was coming, and therefor would have no reason to be suspicious when she didn't show up.

I agree with most of the others, I'd either have called the police, or asked for the caseworker's number from the girl and called that. Not because I'd suspect the foster parents of abuse, but because the kid is a run away and there's obviously something going on that someone needs to look into. Not to mention, if the child IS a foster kid, she's a ward of the state and the state needs to know her whereabouts and what is going on. And, if it was my own young child who ran away/went missing, I'd hope that if someone located her, they'd contact the proper authorities. Once the foster mother showed up, I'm not sure what I would have done. Since the girl clearly stated she did not want to go with her, and was afraid of being in trouble, I'd probably have still called the cops. If nothing is going on, then they can sort it out, if something is going on, then they are in a better position to get everyone the necessary help.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
It doesnt make sense though. People are acting like the OP saw an act of abuse and that she should report it. THe little girl said she was going to meet her caseworker right? so if the child didnt show up, wouldnt the caseworker just go to the foster home? Why is the caseworker meeting a ten yr old child on a corner somewhere instead of at the agency or in the FH? It can't hurt to follow up, i guess...but i take issue with how most posters seem to be putting this on the FM. I didnt really see anything in the OP that would make me want to report this to anyone, is it ideal that this child approached a stranger? no. but the child herself said the caseworker was already involved in the situation. So i'm not sure what else is supposed to happen.

It's only hypothetical anyway.....like I said before.....if anyone of us was put in the same situation who really knows what we would do.....I would LIKE to believe I could do what is right..but in a situation like that....really what is the right thing to do? Who do you believe and how do you know what is really going on? I guess you don't, you just try and go with your gut and hope it's the best thing.

I think the OP did a great job, with the information that was given to her. At least she made an effort and that's more than a lot of people do at all.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I would not drop it. I would not call the case worker. I would call CPS and make an official report. It does not have to be investigated based only on a report to a worker. Technically, it has to go through CPS.

I believe the girl because of the way the supposed foster mom spoke to her. Anyone who is decent with children would have at least acknowledged your presence. If she is not abusing the child, then she will be cleared. If she is abusing the child, then she will probably be cleared anyway. But you need to call. I feel you are very obligated to call. That woman did not not get out of the car to be non confrontational. When she made the remark about you caused enough trouble for people today, she was quite accusing to the little girl. Just because the little girl is a foster child does not mean she is manipulative or the one in the wrong. In fact, there is a much higher rate of abuse amongst foster parents than biological parents. I am not saying all foster parents are bad, I am just saying abuse still happens.

I hope you do the right thing and make an official report.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
So, I made two phone calls. One to CPS, they said "You can not even imaging how many K****** G******** we have in our system, at least 1000 with that name." I told her what I could, and she said she'd do her best, but it would be very hard without a birth date or address of a foster home.

Then, I called the nearest grade school. They have only a few kids by that name, and none of them are in foster care.

I'm still sad, and clearly uneducated about how many kids are in foster care.

I can see you already called. Next step, I would call the county child and family services. They usually break down by the county. Chances are, she is from some place in the county. If they only check the county, they should give them a small enough number of kids to work from and check out. Or maybe even just one. Do you have a description of the car? It would be good to have the license plate, but it is too late for that now. Maybe though, if you made a police report, there would be security tapes, but I have a feeling the police would not care enough about a foster child to help her like that. Seriously.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

BTW, I do think you did a great job with what you had. I feel so bad for that little girl. From the way the foster mother spoke to her, I am guessing that she is far worse at home, when people are not watching.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
Um, wow. Yeah certainly its ONE possibility that the little girl is being abused by her awful FP, is afraid of her, and someone needs to look into it further.

But its also likely, perhaps MORE likely, that this is a little girl with emotional issues, with a history of running away, etc. The fact that you said this little girl woudnt go with a stranger unless she was afraid....have you never heard of RAD (reactive attachment disorder)?? MANY kids who have grown up with neglect have this, and even if they dont have RAD they may have a total lack of boundaries, of understanding what is safe and what is not. If the child was "afraid" its POSSIBLE that she knew when she got home she was in for some heavy duty consequences for her actions (no tv for a week, stay in her room all night, no phone,whatever.) Who knows if she was REALLY meeting her caseworker (why would the caseworker not meet her at home?!?) Maybe i'm jaded but the fact that she said "im just a foster child" doesnt make me feel all







it makes me







...i'm thinking "oh she played the 'pity me im just a foster child, now give me what i want' card!"

I wasnt there and cant judge the "vibe" the OP got from the girl, but please PLEASE be aware some kids are REALLY good at charming strangers and getting what they want. I'm living with one!!! It really sucks for everyone to think how wonderful and sweet and problem-free your kid is, wonder why you are so strict, even "mean" to her, wonder why you are so quick to give a consequence for some "minor" transgression...when they dont live with her. You have no idea if this girl has a mental health diagnosis, a history of running away, etc. You dont know if this is the tenth time this month this girl has run away.

Where i live the caseworker has nothing to do with CPS, most foster children are placed with private agencies with their own caseworkers, totally independant of DHS...you would probably eventually be able to get to the agency worker via a call to CPS but frankly they have so much stuff to deal with they might not really have the incentive for "this little girl said she was a foster child, she looked to be running away, then her mom showed up, was mad about it, and they drove away." That sounds like a pretty *average* day with a (possibly) troubled ten yr old foster child.

(i'd have to reread the OP but is it only what the girl said, that we know she IS a foster child? she could have just been saying that! did the mom confirm??)

I think there may have been different responses had this been posted on the Adoptive and Foster Parents board.

When you say kids can be manipulatives..or do you mean foster kids specifically? Because if you are making an attack on foster kids, I really resent that. The only blanket statement we know about foster kids is that they are a victim of something, either the system, or their parents. I do not approve of the blame the victim mentality. If she had RAD, I doubt she would have been in a foster home with a foster mom driving around speaking to her that way, she likely would have been in a therapeutic home and it would have been police looking for her, not just some woman who speaks to her in this way.

I think you need to be a bit more careful in generalizations you might make about foster kids.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
When you say kids can be manipulatives..or do you mean foster kids specifically? Because if you are making an attack on foster kids, I really resent that. The only blanket statement we know about foster kids is that they are a victim of something, either the system, or their parents. I do not approve of the blame the victim mentality. If she had RAD, I doubt she would have been in a foster home with a foster mom driving around speaking to her that way, she likely would have been in a therapeutic home and it would have been police looking for her, not just some woman who speaks to her in this way.

I think you need to be a bit more careful in generalizations you might make about foster kids.

Hmmm. So kids with RAD arent in foster homes but therapeutic homes? Therapeutic homes ARE foster homes...?? Certainly children with severe behaviors may land in an RTC (treatment center) but the goal is always the least restrictive environment, a home environment if at all possible. And kids with RAD arent always diagnosed. Plus, a child doesnt have to have RAD in order to display really difficult behaviors.

Its not "kids" vs "foster kids"...if you know anything at all about attachment you know that children who suffer neglect in the early years of life (esp the first year) are at great risk of developing issues later on...whether these kids end up in FHs due to abuse/neglect by the bio parents, or continue to be raised in a neglectful bio home is beside the point. I was merely addressing the poster who said that no child would just approach a stranger like that. My child certainly would. She may or may not have RAD (she is not diagnosed with it), but she absolutely has no boundaries when it comes to speaking to strangers in fact putting a show on for strangers in public is one of her favorite things to do.

I guess our experiences color our perception of things...my daughter told a family friend over and over how my 2 yr old son chased her around with a butcher knife and tried to kill her. Seriously. So its well within my realm of reality to believe a 10 yr old would put on a show of being scared of the Big Bad Foster Mom for a stranger. I'm not saying that IS what is going on, i'm just saying that people tend to jump to conclusions.

Are you a former foster child? if so sorry if a touched a nerve. But i'm a foster and adoptive parent and yeah i get a little irritated when immediately the idea is "ohh foster parent...she's probably abusing the girl!"...I'll have to go reread the OP, but i'm not sure what you mean by the fp "talking to her like that"...if my dd ran away (luckily she doesnt have that particular issue), was talking up some stranger to try to get a ride, then looked all scared when i showed up after looking for her for hours (ONE possible scenario with the OP's situation) you BET i'd be pissed, not be taking any crap, might not acknowledge the stranger, but rather would say "get.in.the.car.now!" and yeah, when we got home there would be plenty of consequences esp of this was repeat behavior.

Now, if the parent cussed the little girl out then dragged her by the arm and threw her into the car or something....well thats a whole different scene entirely!


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
I think you need to be a bit more careful in generalizations you might make about foster kids.

BTW, my opinions come from my experiences with foster children i have parented, the experiences of my friends who are foster parents, online support groups and loads of reading about children affected by grief/loss/trauma etc. Its not like i'm just pulling these views out of my rear with nothing to back it up. Certainly not all foster children have major issues, probably not even "most"...but it is reality for some children and the people who are in the trenches parenting them.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
When you say kids can be manipulatives..or do you mean foster kids specifically? Because if you are making an attack on foster kids, I really resent that. The only blanket statement we know about foster kids is that they are a victim of something, either the system, or their parents. I do not approve of the blame the victim mentality. If she had RAD, I doubt she would have been in a foster home with a foster mom driving around speaking to her that way, she likely would have been in a therapeutic home and it would have been police looking for her, not just some woman who speaks to her in this way.

I think you need to be a bit more careful in generalizations you might make about foster kids.


Thank you for saying what I could not formulate into words. These were my general thoughts as well.









I know there are many good foster parents here on MDC, but casting doubt on one foster parent doesn't mean that I think all foster parents are bad. I don't think that at all, but I am suspicious of that particular foster mother's treatment to a child. That little girl may or may not be manipulating. It's not right to lump all children into the same mold and everyone does deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Queenjane throws out the idea that maybe the girl has RAD. It's an assumption so it may or may not be the truth. I guess my point is that what if the little girl is completely normal and has been placed in a bad home? THAT is possible. It happens, we know it happens, so what is wrong with making the assumption that she really does need help, instead of making the assumption that she has another outlying (no pun intended) problem and ignoring her?


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I think folks are over-thinking this situation. The OP had a gut level feeling that the situation wasn't right. She's right-it wasn't. A 10 y/o asking a stranger for help getting somewhere, at a gas station is enough. She wasn't safe in that situation. End of story.

It doesn't matter what her motivations were, whether she has RAD, whether kids in the system can learn to manipulate in order to get their needs met, whether she was a habitual runaway......none of it matters. She wasn't safe, period, which warrents a call to the police. You deal with the most pressing issue first-young girl asking a stranger for help. Everything else can be addressed later, but safety is always first. This was a child potentially at risk for exploitation.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Any closure?

I don't want to get tangled in the drama, but if this happened to me, I would have done the same thing you did. Kinda stand there and wonder what to do until foster mom showed up.

In the event foster mom didn't show up, I would have started making phone calls, first to the case worker (which can be a nightmare to call DJFS (what my county calls the caseworker place) but when you say, I have so and so standing in a gas station with no parent, saying she's meeting the case worker. If DJFS was a bust I would call the cops.

Like PP mentioned, gas station+10 year old alone = no good. I would be more concerned with getting her into safe hands since she fell into mine. What if she asked a creep to take her to the meeting next? Would she ever get there?


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karne* 
I think folks are over-thinking this situation. The OP had a gut level feeling that the situation wasn't right. She's right-it wasn't. A 10 y/o asking a stranger for help getting somewhere, at a gas station is enough. She wasn't safe in that situation. End of story.

It doesn't matter what her motivations were, whether she has RAD, whether kids in the system can learn to manipulate in order to get their needs met, whether she was a habitual runaway......none of it matters. She wasn't safe, period, which warrents a call to the police. You deal with the most pressing issue first-young girl asking a stranger for help. Everything else can be addressed later, but safety is always first. This was a child potentially at risk for exploitation.

Absolutely this.

I don't understand anyone who could look at the basics of this situation and say there was nothing to act on, or who would suggest that this 10 yr old is "used to manipulating adults" so therefore there's nothing to do. The above post says it all: 10 yr old alone at a gas station asking a stranger for help is absolutey a bad situation (and a potentially disasterous situation in the making, given that pimps and other exploiters of children all over the country are looking for children in exactly that type of situation).

Btw to whoever said that in their area CPS has nothing to do with foster children in private foster homes, I'd be interested to know which state you live in (or maybe you're not in the US?). I've worked closely with ACF (federal child welfare agency in the US) and in every state in the U.S., a child removed from their family because of abuse and neglect, no matter what type of foster home they're placed in (private agency, private institution, public institution, CPS foster home) they are ALL still in the legal and physical custody of the state agency and therefore, CPS is involved. By definition. So calling CPS/the child's caseworker should be the same thing in every state. The child might also have a caseworker at the private agency (and usually they do), but there is always a CPS caseworker who is supposed to be monitoring how that child is doing and who needs to know if a child is not doing well. 10 yr olds running away = not doing well, even if the foster parent is awesome and the child running has nothing to do with problems in the home. It's still something CPS needs to know because maybe there's more they need to be doing for this child.

Are you sure it's different in your state?


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

I probably would have called the police... although not because I'm making any assumptions about anything that may or may not be going on in the foster home.

The only facts we have are a 10yo little girl, claiming to be a foster child, asking a complete stranger for a ride to somewhere.

Doesn't mean there is abuse going on anywhere, doesn't mean the child has any kind of mental health issues, it just means that in that moment... the child is not safe. And IMO, the police are the best ones to get involved when immediate safety is at risk.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
I don't think that at all, but I am suspicious of that particular foster mother's treatment to a child

What did the FM say or do in that situation that would cause you to have concern?


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 

The only facts we have are a 10yo little girl, claiming to be a foster child, asking a complete stranger for a ride to somewhere.

Doesn't mean there is abuse going on anywhere, doesn't mean the child has any kind of mental health issues, it just means that in that moment... the child is not safe. And IMO, the police are the best ones to get involved when immediate safety is at risk.

I totally agree that before the parent showed up, one possible logical response would be to call the police. Once the mom showed up and the child acknowledged it was indeed her mother....would you still have called police?


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

I could see calling the police if the child's foster mother hadn't shown up to take her home but not after that. Same as if the child's biological parent has come to get her. Unless there was something more than the OP described.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
Queenjane throws out the idea that maybe the girl has RAD. It's an assumption so it may or may not be the truth.

The only reason i brought RAD up is that a poster said something like there is just no way a 10 yr old would approach a complete stranger unless there was something bad going on, that she must be really scared to do that. And anyone who would make such a statement clearly does not understand some of the issues some children with issues face. Approaching strangers is a hallmark trait of RAD (thats why being called "charming" is a big ol' red flag in the adoption world, when its considered a pretty good trait in the non-adoption world.)


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LROM* 
Absolutely this.

I don't understand anyone who could look at the basics of this situation and say there was nothing to act on, or who would suggest that this 10 yr old is "used to manipulating adults" so therefore there's nothing to do. The above post says it all: 10 yr old alone at a gas station asking a stranger for help is absolutey a bad situation (and a potentially disasterous situation in the making, given that pimps and other exploiters of children all over the country are looking for children in exactly that type of situation).

You're leaving out one very important point...that before the OP could call the police or act *the child's mother showed up!* At THAT point, the child was NOT "alone", would not be approaching strangers, etc.

Quote:

Btw to whoever said that in their area CPS has nothing to do with foster children in private foster homes, I'd be interested to know which state you live in (or maybe you're not in the US?). I've worked closely with ACF (federal child welfare agency in the US) and in every state in the U.S., a child removed from their family because of abuse and neglect, no matter what type of foster home they're placed in (private agency, private institution, public institution, CPS foster home) they are ALL still in the legal and physical custody of the state agency and therefore, CPS is involved. By definition. So calling CPS/the child's caseworker should be the same thing in every state. The child might also have a caseworker at the private agency (and usually they do), but there is always a CPS caseworker who is supposed to be monitoring how that child is doing and who needs to know if a child is not doing well. 10 yr olds running away = not doing well, even if the foster parent is awesome and the child running has nothing to do with problems in the home. It's still something CPS needs to know because maybe there's more they need to be doing for this child.

Are you sure it's different in your state?
I guess i should have been more clear. In my state (MI) most foster children (at least in my county not sure about smaller ones) are placed with private agencies. Yes, DHS oversees the case but in a very limited way. They do not visit the children. My kids' DHS worker has never met them, and she told me at one meeting that typically they have no contact with the children. Their role is more administrative. The *agency* worker is the one doing home visits, the one showing up to court and giving reports, the one advocating for services, etc etc. So, lets say someone has a complaint about my foster children, if they called DHS, i suppose *eventually* that info would trickle down to our actual caseworker but i'm thinking that before that happened, if it was such a vague situation as in the OP ("this little girl whose name is XYZ was at a gas station and asked me for a ride to meet her caseworker, but then her foster mom showed up and took her home") they would possibly make a note of it (maybe not even that) and not even bother to pass that on. If the OP called CPS (the arm of DHS that investigates child abuse complaints) they may work a little harder to find the girl since they are supposed to investigate every claim...but even then, its such a vague thing w/o any indication the girl is currently in danger, i imagine it would be a low priority.

I guess my point is that the contact with the DHS worker and the children's agency worker is pretty minimal (as i understand it) and that when the DHS worker becomes involved its usually when the agency worker is seeking additional funding, services etc and needs county approval. The day to day updates on the kids? no.


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

Why is the fact she is a foster child even an issue? Wouldn't it be the same problem if it was her birth mother who drove up? I would have treated her the same as any other child (although I'm not sure how that is!!) even though she already has a relationship with 'the authorities,' whatever that may be in your state.

A kid is a kid is a kid. Kids end up in care because of someone else's fault, not theirs.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
You're leaving out one very important point...that before the OP could call the police or act *the child's mother showed up!* At THAT point, the child was NOT "alone", would not be approaching strangers, etc.


No, actually there are absolutely still choices OP could have made at that point. I'm not saying this would be easy or that even most people would think of the following, but since you raised this let's be really clear: in that situation there are other choices.

Example: If that same child approached and the exact same person drove up but there was something very concerning about them (they threatened the child, they looked crazy creepy, the child freaked out when they drove up) would you still say there was nothing anyone could do? Nothing else about the situation would have changed but right there, even though the mom drove up, many in that situation might have felt like they needed to talk to the mom and say "I'm not sure what's going on, but because this situation is so strange I'd like to call this caseworker/the police to just make sure this child is ok."

As OP reports it, she didn't see anything concerning about the person who drove up, but she still had a bad gut feeling about the situation (understandably). In that situation, for me, the above reaction is still just as appropriate.

Who knows what the mom might have done, and I'm not suggesting if mom got out of the car and dragged the kid in that I'd hold onto the kid's other arm and try to keep her out. But if mom forced child in, I'd write down the license plate and make of car and I would call the police after they drove away. If mom was willing to wait while I made whatever call, then we'd just seee what happened after that.

Again, not saying OP "should" have thought of or done that, just saying that it's incorrect to say or assume that once mom pulls up, that's it, no other options.

If you really feel a child is in trouble or the situation is concerning and you don't really know what's going on, there is almost always some way to report it if you have some indentifying information on the child or the person to comes to get them.


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## bella99 (Sep 25, 2008)

The system in NY works similarly to what Queenjane is talking about, and I'm not sure how the system works in the state the OP lives in. In NY, the local DSS offices are broken up into CPS investigations, CPS Preventive, and Foster Care/Adoptions. To make a claim of abuse/neglect, you call the state central registry, and the information may never make it to the local office (depending on what info you provide). I work for a private agency, and while I see each of the kids on my caseload once a week, the local DSS workers, see the kids once or twice every six months.

But like I said before, no matter what the OP said or says to someone at a local DSS office, she is not legally entitled to any information about this girl or her situation, and the office is not going to confirm anything to her over the phone.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised that no one has considered the possibility that this girl left her foster home and approached a stranger to help her meet her "caseworker", when she was really on her way to possibly meet a bio-parent. That seems very plausible to me, especially based on the information the OP provided. The foster mother's comment even makes me think there's a possibility that something like this was going on. Like I said before, we primarily deal with elopments with teens, but it's not unheard of for a young child of this age to do it, or to leave the foster home to attempt to get back to a bio-parent. In fact, two weeks ago, I got a voicemail from an 11 year old telling me I *had* to put him in respite or remove him from the home before of how he was being "treated". Turns out his video games privileges were taken away for a couple of days for refusal to do his homework, and when I explained to him that I don't take kids out of homes because their foster parents are reinforcing proper limits, he hung up on me, and took off down the road. He was back within 45 minutes and the foster dad followed him at a distance, but he did it anyway.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bella99* 
I got a voicemail from an 11 year old telling me I *had* to put him in respite or remove him from the home before of how he was being "treated". Turns out his video games privileges were taken away for a couple of days for refusal to do his homework, and when I explained to him that I don't take kids out of homes because their foster parents are reinforcing proper limits, he hung up on me, and took off down the road. He was back within 45 minutes and the foster dad followed him at a distance, but he did it anyway.


That's kind of the feeling I got. The fact that mom showed up quickly made me wonder if she was a block or two behind the girl and watching from a distance. In our traffic, it could take mom a minute or two to make a left turn into the gas station.

I just don't know. I'm fairly positive that I can't put her in my car and drive away. It's not my place to do that, and I really don't want to be arrested or investigated for that.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would not assume anything bad on the parents part. I only know one person who was every in foster care and he gave his foster parents no end of grief. constantly running away, manipulating strangers, and finally getting kicked out because he just didn't like the people. Why did he not like them? He had grown up with no rules or boundaries (his parents were drug addicts) and now he had rules. Like sitting at the table for supper, not watching inappropriate TV, and being home before dark (He was 11). He did manage to get removed entirely from the foster care system within like, six months and went to juvie which had way fewer expectations.

So I would have called CPS or the police (if she was meeting her case worker what kinda of crappy case worker tells a little girl to meet them at the corner of here and there?) and explain to them what was going on and stay with her until authorities got there. It could be that her foster parents are evil. It could be that she is being a difficult child. It could be that it is just a bad fit. It could be she is deeply troubled and needs help. Whatever it is the child is running away from home and the authorities need to be notified for everyones protection.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
Um, wow. Yeah certainly its ONE possibility that the little girl is being abused by her awful FP, is afraid of her, and someone needs to look into it further.

But its also likely, perhaps MORE likely, that this is a little girl with emotional issues, with a history of running away, etc. The fact that you said this little girl woudnt go with a stranger unless she was afraid....have you never heard of RAD (reactive attachment disorder)?? MANY kids who have grown up with neglect have this, and even if they dont have RAD they may have a total lack of boundaries, of understanding what is safe and what is not. If the child was "afraid" its POSSIBLE that she knew when she got home she was in for some heavy duty consequences for her actions (no tv for a week, stay in her room all night, no phone,whatever.) Who knows if she was REALLY meeting her caseworker (why would the caseworker not meet her at home?!?) Maybe i'm jaded but the fact that she said "im just a foster child" doesnt make me feel all







it makes me







...i'm thinking "oh she played the 'pity me im just a foster child, now give me what i want' card!"

I wasnt there and cant judge the "vibe" the OP got from the girl, but please PLEASE be aware some kids are REALLY good at charming strangers and getting what they want. I'm living with one!!! It really sucks for everyone to think how wonderful and sweet and problem-free your kid is, wonder why you are so strict, even "mean" to her, wonder why you are so quick to give a consequence for some "minor" transgression...when they dont live with her. You have no idea if this girl has a mental health diagnosis, a history of running away, etc. You dont know if this is the tenth time this month this girl has run away.

Where i live the caseworker has nothing to do with CPS, most foster children are placed with private agencies with their own caseworkers, totally independant of DHS...you would probably eventually be able to get to the agency worker via a call to CPS but frankly they have so much stuff to deal with they might not really have the incentive for "this little girl said she was a foster child, she looked to be running away, then her mom showed up, was mad about it, and they drove away." That sounds like a pretty *average* day with a (possibly) troubled ten yr old foster child.

(i'd have to reread the OP but is it only what the girl said, that we know she IS a foster child? she could have just been saying that! did the mom confirm??)

I think there may have been different responses had this been posted on the Adoptive and Foster Parents board.











Plus, the foster mom showed up almost immediately, which tells me she was out looking for the kid and found her.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I dont have any experience with fostering or foster children, but I have a 10 year old....and I have always taught him that if he is ever lost or needs help like that, to go up to a *mother* and ask her for help. ( He actually did have to use my advice a couple of years ago when he got separated from his Dad at a music festival. I thank the heavens for the kind mama who led my son to safety when he was panicy and needed help. :heart)

So I think that was a very smart little girl. 

I have had a similar experience, last June I was traveling home late at night on a 600 mile long car ride, pulled into a gas station, and a woman with two kids came up to me and asked me for help because her husband was after her. My heart broke for her. I was not from the area, could only give her gas money to see her through until morning.

Anyway, we do the best we can at the time. There may have been a bad vibe that you got, but no one knows the truth except for her and her foster mom. She sounds like a smart and tough cookie though.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mumm* 
Why is the fact she is a foster child even an issue? Wouldn't it be the same problem if it was her birth mother who drove up? I would have treated her the same as any other child (although I'm not sure how that is!!) even though she already has a relationship with 'the authorities,' whatever that may be in your state.

A kid is a kid is a kid. Kids end up in care because of someone else's fault, not theirs.

I think you're confusing reporting the situation to the child's current legal guardians with trying to get the child in trouble with the authorities.

The situation was more like if you saw a nanny doing something odd, that you weren't quite sure was okay with the parents, and you thought about telling the parents about it.


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