# My urge to hit...



## CeraMae (Apr 25, 2003)

I've been trying to find a way to formulate this for months, so please bear with me.

When I get angry I get a lot of tension in my arms or legs, and want so badly to hit something. I know this is normal, but there are times when I throw something or ... kick the dog







. It really bothers me because I grew up in an abusive household and I know it is something I learned, but I don't know how to shake it.

I would never, never, never, *never* hurt my child, but if I would hurt my own dog then it scares me. Just to set things straight I don't go around kicking my dog all the time, but if she stops in front of me and trips me I get mad and my reflex is to kick her, and this morning she head-butted ds and I smacked her on the butt. It really freaked me out and dh didn't understand why I was so upset by it. He said, "it's normal to want to hit things, and you didn't hit her that hard. Next time just hit a pillow instead." That is easier said than done. It is a BIG deal to me because I didn't do it on purpose, it came over me like a reflex. I can't describe it to him becaue he never hits anything.

I don't ever want to hit my child.

I don't ever want my boy to see me harm another living being.

I am so upset about this and I'm hoping that someone here can help me. I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone and it's easier here where I can write it out and be sort of anonymous.








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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Well, you and I can get flamed together, because I hit the dog too, sometimes. Not randomly, but like you said, the dog is obnoxious or does something (after trying and trying to train/correct the behaviors, etc.) and my reflex is to swat it. Like, the dog is standing in the way, I try verbal commands, it won't budge, try shoving it a bit, still won't budge, so then I have to grab it by the scruff of the neck and physically move her. I also have to drag her into the crate.

Maybe you and I just have crappy dogs









Anyway, I'm also interested in what others have to say.........I'm all for gently disciplining animals, yet, with our one dog, she totally doesn't respond.

Kristi


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I'm thinking that this thread is about how to not hit your child, when it seems that you've been conditioned by past experiences to vent anger with a physical release (like hitting)...

So...I'm going to move this to Gentle Discipline where this topic is discussed at length.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Seriously, if you can't refrain from hitting your dog - find the dog another home. Abuse is abuse, no matter who it's directed towards. If you can't control yourself, the dog deserves another home.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Actually, Nicole, we're trying to find a new home for the dog in question. No luck so far.

But, really, when she won't buge, what else am I supposed to do? Wait until she feels like moving?







: I don't hit her so she'll move, I pick her up and move her.

Kristi


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Also, when the dog nips, it is my reflex to swat her on the nose. I did find a gentler soultion. My vet recommended that when she niped, to flip her on her back when she does it, and hold her muzzle with one hand while saying "no" and then look her in the eye until she turns away.

Well, this didn't work, either, and now she's getting too big for me to flip, lol. I don't swat her because that didn't work, either.

But, I believe when a dog nips/bites you, it isn't abuse to swat it.

The dog we have has been this way from day one, when we got her at 8weeks, and is still this way at 9 months. Just very nippy and stubborn and behaviorial.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

These are two different problems, really...

I do think hitting a dog is better than hitting a child, but neither is a good thing. So you're halfway there, CeraMae - you've managed to deflect your impulse away from your child, but you still haven't found a good "release". There were a lot of good suggestions in the thread Heavenly posted recently, the "I keep trying..." thread, on ways to short-circuit your impulse to lash out.

Kristi, you sound like you have a basic dog-training problem, not an anger-control problem. You mentioned lots of ways that you "punish" your dog, but nothing about positive training methods, no "rewards". The only real way to train a dog is to make yourself his beloved pack leader - then he'll do anything for you - and the way to start is by shaping his behavior through rewards. Nipping and biting are totally not cool, though, and if your children aren't safe with this dog, he needs to go now.

Dar


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Dar,
Yep, two different issues. I actually came back to post on the OP-

I "get" the reflex to hit, which is really what you're asking about, right? In my opinion, it's normal to have that reflex, to a point.......like if someone hits me, my reflex will be to hit them back. Obviously, when my children hurt me, I don't hurt them back, but I will admit, when ds2 bites me (usually quite unexpected), I do have that urge to push him off me and/or smack him. I don't; but the reflex is there.

OT on the dog issue, we started out with postive reinforcement training.........praise for everything, treats, etc. Worked for housetraining but that's it. She started nipping in a playful puppy way, and to curb that we didn't allow our kids to play rough with her or get down on her level (when they do she thinks they're a puppy too); and I would spray her with water if she did it when they weren't playing with her. Now, she does it when we go to move her, like put her outside (to pee) or in her crate. Or even to bring her inside. She's always been this way. I am actively trying to find her a home, but no luck. I think that she is one of those dogs that need to be outside in a huge yard, or "working".........she really likes to be outdoors and run around, and is really high energy; we have a huge yard but only a portion is fenced. She goes on long walks everyday, and plays with our dog in the house, but it doesn't seem like it's enough for her. Anyway, sorry for hijacking.

Kristi


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## velcromom (Sep 23, 2003)

I know just what you mean, when you are in that frustrating moment when it all becomes too much, there is definitely an urge to lash out physically. I know where it comes from - children learn what they live with- and that's what stops me. I will walk away if I need to, but often all it takes is to back the situation down one notch. Like the night ds would not fall asleep, even in my arms he struggled and pinched and cried... I hit my limit and was feeling mean so I put him down and soothed him. The minute he was out of my arms I felt better and was able to be calm. Ds didn't do any better or worse at the moment. I wish I hadn't had to put him down still upset but I realized it was for his own safety.
Sometimes it is necessary to choose the better of two unsatisfactory choices.

As for your dog problem, sounds like you have a dog who would like to be or already considers herself leader of the pack. Not good. Here is a link with info I used when my puppy decided he was born to rule the household. It works.

http://k9-trainer.com/nfl.html


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

I know what ya mean.........

in re: to the dog issue.......I don't fault anyone anything here.....we have had some mighty frustrating doggies come through our home......but hitting is hitting and regardless of the effect it has on the dog, the effect it has on YOU is that you don't learn to NOT hit.

I was raised in an abusive home. And as my dd grew into toddlerhood, the urge struck me occasionally. All I can say is that I NEVER NEVER did it. And.......the weirdest thing......now, she's 4 and I don't get the urge anymore. And I can't help but wonder if it's like smoking or something.....when you first actively try to stop, it's VERY hard and you feel like you're gonna explode...and maybe you even hit a hump of feeling like it's impossible...but you get PAST that and then the urge pretty much goes away.

I don't know that there is anything to be done except learning to really exercise your self control. Really really doing it. When my dd was little I know I used to just walk away if I felt like exploding. Sometimes just going in my room and being still...FORCING myself to be still really helped.

I dunno....I feel like watching a child grow has calmed me. I hope that it's that way for other mamas who struggle with this. Over the years, I think I've become more peaceful. I wish that for you, too.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Thanks for the link, I like the suggestions; Back when we were having issues with our oldest dog, reiterating those things worked really well.

This dog, she'll let you get in her food bowl, she's not food aggressive at all, or agressive with the kids now that they aren't allowed to play with her. But, yep, she thinks she's the boss and has no respect for commands.

Anyway, thanks!

Kristi


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## sssmommy (Feb 4, 2004)

i feel really good about reading all these posts. i know that may sound crazy. i don't feel good that people are wanting to hit, i feel better because i know i'm not alone. except that maybe i have given into that impulse more than i care to admit, but still not as much as i've wanted to. i also grew up in an abusive situation, i think of this on those really trying days how i just don't want to keep passing this crap down. i wonder if it isn't too late. you know how sometimes you get your mothering magazine and you're reading all these articles about other mothers and you sit there and feel like you just will never be good enough. i always wondered why i couldn't get it right. i had these earthmama images of myself when i was pregnant with my first son, i was going to be an awesome mom...and honestly many times i really feel i do a great job...but so many other times i just suck and i feel like i'm turning into my mom...oh those dreaded words. it would be far too easy to say that i have three very spirited kids, which i do, but so do a lot of really patient moms. it's funny just earlier i posted on another thread that we just have to do the best we can in whatever situation. well, somehow i think that applies here as well, except that there is so much more at stake so we have to try to rise above our best sometimes which for me is the hardest part. that part that has always tried so hard to do everything just right and to find that the one thing that matters most to me is the one thing i can't seem to get right. i make it sound like i'm just horrible, i hate when i do that. in reality the moments are getting fewer and fewer, but still it's so hard to not get angry all the time. i think i'm coming from a perspective of how i view myself internally at these moments when i feel like a monster on the inside filled with rage, but i don't believe i ever have really let that monster out, it's just knowing that i feel that way sometimes that makes me question my ability to be a good mother. i just don't know some days. it is definitely a day to day practice to be better and so that's what i do.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

I get those urges too. If DH is home, I will hand her over and say "I will hurt her if I don't walk out right now" If I am home alone, I will tell her "mommy needs to step away. She is too angry to play right now".

I have FORCED myself to practice saying these things. It is so hard. But I really really want to be a non-spanker if possible...

It's good to have reality checks and say how you feel...


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:

I was raised in an abusive home. And as my dd grew into toddlerhood, the urge struck me occasionally. All I can say is that I NEVER NEVER did it. And.......the weirdest thing......now, she's 4 and I don't get the urge anymore. And I can't help but wonder if it's like smoking or something.....when you first actively try to stop, it's VERY hard and you feel like you're gonna explode...and maybe you even hit a hump of feeling like it's impossible...but you get PAST that and then the urge pretty much goes away.
This is great to hear. I fell like recently that *urge* is starting to lessen for me, which will be a great relief. I don't want to hit my child, but when frustrated I naturally *want* to hit my child







I just keep trying and it really does seem to get easier


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## CeraMae (Apr 25, 2003)

.


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

Frankly, I think all of us get the urge to hit at moments of great frustration. When I can't get my 2 yr old to stop kicking, cause he seems to think it's a great game, I've been very tempted to smack. Other times too. I gave in to it once, immediately felt horrible and stayed feeling horrible for days.

I think it's true that the more you control the urge, the less strong it becomes. However, I don't know if you can completely eliminate it. I took a really good workshop a few years ago, I can't even remember the specific topic, but the guy teaching it said, "You probably can't control your very first, immediate reaction to something that hits you emotionally. It's how you handle that first reaction, and what you choose to do afterwards, that you can control." This has helped me a lot, especially from the perspective of not beating myself up about it. He used the example of someone cutting you off on the freeway--it scares you, and you get mad. But you can then allow it to upset you (and, if you're verbal about it, your passengers) for the rest of the drive, or you can choose to take some deep breaths and calm down, let it go, and enjoy the rest of the drive.

I think taking a moment to walk away, get some distance, and calm down is a very good technique. How superhuman do we expect ourselves to be, to not need some coping technique when we've just been stressed past our breaking points? I think we could all stand to forgive ourselves for not being the incredible supermoms we think we should be, and remember that we are human, too.

Divina


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## StandswithStrength (Feb 24, 2003)

This is something I struggle with also. I was NOT raised in an abusive situation. My childhood w/ Mom and stepdad was actually really great. I wasn't hit or spanked .............(well, I did get popped one time whenI called my mom a F#%$# [email protected] but I was disrespectful and mean there).

Anyway, I still have urges to spank or even hit my kids if they are repeatedly disobeying or if they physically hurt me ( pull my hair, pinch me, etc). I know that it is not right to do this and have been able to control these urges somewhat, but still have a problem at times. I don't understand why I have these feelings when I wasn't exposed to it growing up. Therapy, here I come









Anyway, just tonight I spanked my youngest and then immediately felt tremendous guilt and like the most horrible parent in the world. Especially when she turned her back to me and refused to talk to me. How can I do this to my children, the ones that I grew and gave life to? How can I hit a part of me? How can I hit gifts from God? It's a continuous struggle, though I can say in the last 2 years, since I've found nonmainstream parenting philosphies and connected with them, the spankings have decreased tremendously. What used to be an almost weekly occurrence has turned into a once in a blue moon thing.

I am not proud of myself for losing control and spanking at times. I am not someone who readily admits to spanking. This is actually the first time I've been so open about it. I'm now off to search the other thread mentioned earlier.

(Don't flame me please)


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

I wasn't raised in an abusive home, either. I don't know, I think it's some ingrained response to extreme frustration or pain.........

I don't spank or hit. But sometimes, I really really want to! I have the control not to, but the urge is very strong.

So, it is normal to have these urges? I think so. I'd like to know where it comes from, though.

Becuase I don't usually have the same urge when, say, dh is being a jerk.........ususally I just hate him for a while; my first instinct isn't to hit him. Though a time or two I have felt like it









I think with dh, he's an adult and I can explain things and reason with him; so I get way less frustrated. With the kids, they don't get why I'm mad or frustrated or upset, so that just makes me mad......sigh. DS1 is old enough now, and I have found that my urge to hit has lessened alot.

Kristi


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## ParkersMama (Jan 29, 2003)

I also feel sometimes like I'm just going to lose it and hit or slap him, especially when he's done something really bad (like biting my breast through my shirt







) ... but that desire has always been suppressed.

I think it is probably natural and normal to have those feelings of frustration and anger, and what makes us "civilized" is the fact that we _don't_ act on them. It takes a lot to come out and admit that you have thought about it, especially with the air of parenting nowadays. Actually coming out and talking about things like this I think help parents deal with it and overcome it (I have talked frankly and openly with my husband and close friends, and when I do, I immediately feel better), yet everyone is so afraid that just SAYING it will lead to their children being taken away or some such.

Needless to say, you aren't alone, you aren't abnormal, and you *can* work through this! And you can use your dog as a good testing ground for changing your approach to disciplining







.


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## Organique Gal (Jul 26, 2003)

Wow... this post has really struck a chord with me... I remember when I was growing up trying SO hard to just get through just ONE day without a spanking, and I could never seem to do it. I tried desperately to please my mom (my obsessive organizing is a result of some of that), but she spanked me for every little thing, especially what she called "attitude", I did that made her unhappy. In retrospect, I was a good girl. I was quiet, respectful, helpful, and generally happy. My mother was VERY demanding of me. I was the oldest of five kids, and she had extremely high expectations of me. I never considered myself abused, and to be honest still don't really in my heart... My mom loved me, and I loved my mom. But I moved out the instant I graduated from high school, and so did my younger brother. My younger sister was a lot more stubborn and strong willed than me, and I truly believe my mom's spanking turned into abuse in her case. My mom was determined to "break her spirit" and made her submissive. Our mom died of cancer when my sister was only 15 years old, and she's still struggling with the years of abuse she was put through, and a lot of her anger has been directed at me for "abandoning" them the first opportunity I got. I struggle with feeling guilt to this day that I didn't try harder to intervene on her part... Anyways, my son is only 5 months old, and it scares me to death that I'm already getting the urge to smack him sometimes, usually when he's thrashing around while I'm trying to change his diaper, or he just can't or won't be consoled and is scratching at my face and throwing himself around. I have to argue with myself mentally, and remind myself that I don't want to be like my mother, and that there are other ways to deal with it. I have never smacked him, but just the fact that the urge was there really disturbed me. I love my son more than my own life. I would die for him, so why would I get the urge to hit him?! I've never told a soul this, because it's not something I'm proud of...


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