# consequence for cell phone abuse



## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

So my almost 14 year old (who is a full on teen) has a cell phone we pay for. He knows he is NOT allowed to use it when it isnt free except important reasons and NO text messages ever (too difficult to moniter and they cost a small fortune).

So this month's cell bill on his number is $322. 56. ALL text messages. All of them. 2200, to be exact. He also downloaded AIM and something else on his phone which he was not only instructed NOT to do, but we had to go in and remove it once already.

He basically blamed me, saying that I wouldn't pay the extra whatever to get him text messaging. Is totally and completely belligerant which I know is age appropriate so I am certainly not rising to the occasion or getting visibly upset.

But I dont really know how to instigate consequence. The money thing is HUUUGE, as we have almost double our normal bills this one month, coincidentally. And more importantly, he willfully and intentionally betrayed our rules (again!) and is nonchalant about it.


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

Can he pay for his portion of the bill? Fourteen is old enough to have a job, in this state - you might check the labor laws in your state.


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## VisionQuest (Dec 28, 2001)

Can you call and turn off the text messaging?

If he doesn't want to follow the rules, then maybe he doesn't need a phone. Make him pay for the overage on the bill.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????


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## MomInCalifornia (Jul 17, 2003)

If you don't mind him having text messaging but don't want to pay for it, would you consider allowing him to cover the cost?

You may have very valid reasons, and if that is the case, I would probably take the phone away and allow him to have one of the phones that only calls certain numbers (parents cells, home, emergency etc) or make him responsible for the entire bill.

I don't have teens, but I was a teen not so long ago (I'm 28) and I believe some things are privlages and not rights. A cell phone seems to me to be a privlage in the social sence, but also a safety thing. By having a phone that only calls certain people, he has the safety part but not the social part.

Over all though, if he is a pretty respectful kid and this is the only real issue, maybe it would work to let him pay for the text package which might cut the bill dramatically.

Cell phones are hard in that you get billed when people call or text you, even if you don't initiate it. Also, it is hard to know when you go over your minutes since there is nothing keeping track other than the bill you get at the end of the month.


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

We had a similar issue, though it was a misunderstanding as opposed to defiance. I took the phone away with the exception of nights/weekends when it was free, and I had the text messaging disabled. Since most of the charges (but not all) were the result of misunderstaning, I only made them (dd and ds share a phone) pay for the calls and downloads that they knew they weren's supposed to do. After a month, I gave the phone back, and they know that if they do it again, the phone will go away completely for a month (including nights and weekends). No problems yet.

If I were you, I would remain very, very calm, and let him know the problems you have: the disobediance and the money issue. Don't argue, though he will try to engage, if he is like mine







Stay strong and calm. Before talking to him, decide on what you want to do about the situation...do you want him to pay it or work it off? Lose the privilege of having the phone? And yes, a cell phone is a privilige, which most teens don't seem to understand. It isn't an inherent right.

Good luck!


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbigailsMomSarah* 
If you don't mind him having text messaging but don't want to pay for it, would you consider allowing him to cover the cost?

You may have very valid reasons, and if that is the case, I would probably take the phone away and allow him to have one of the phones that only calls certain numbers (parents cells, home, emergency etc) or make him responsible for the entire bill.

I don't have teens, but I was a teen not so long ago (I'm 28) and I believe some things are privlages and not rights. A cell phone seems to me to be a privlage in the social sence, but also a safety thing. By having a phone that only calls certain people, he has the safety part but not the social part.

Over all though, if he is a pretty respectful kid and this is the only real issue, maybe it would work to let him pay for the text package which might cut the bill dramatically.

Cell phones are hard in that you get billed when people call or text you, even if you don't initiate it. Also, it is hard to know when you go over your minutes since there is nothing keeping track other than the bill you get at the end of the month.

We have Cingular and can check our minutes and such online at anytime. As for texting, someone can text you but it will only charge if you read it...it's totally possible to not read/accept them.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Since you have talked to him about this, told him NOT to do it, make limits and boundaries, had past issues (had to take AIM off already), and he is being belligerent and blameful of you; take the phone away?







: Try again in 6 months?


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

I agree with embers. Take the phone away. My daughter doesn't have texting either. She has been told that if she texts we are taking her phone away. She is also 14 and while no perfect angel by any right, she at least uses her phone wisely. If friends text her.. she tells them she is not allowed to text. She only calls people on her cell phone after 7 or on weekends. She has had it for almost three years now and we have never had a problem with her regarding the phone.

Your son has basically told you that if you don't buy him texting he is going to do it anyway. He doesn't care about the extra money and he thinks he is going to bully you into getting him a text plan.

I would say something like, "Son, I can see you aren't ready for the responsibility of a cell phone. This is a tool and not a toy. We will try again when you are ready to follow the rules."

Hey embers.. Where have you been?


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

I would take the phone away until he has paid off his portion of the bill. I would also disable the text feature until he is able and/or willing to pay to have texting in the future.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't understand why texting in and of itself is bad. If it was me I'd put the kid on one of the pay as you go services and then tell them how many minutes they have and how often you will refill the minutes. If they use it up, oh well.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

I'm another vote for taking it away - my daughter is 13 and has a prepaid cellphone. She is only allowed to use it to call me or her grandparents (it works out well that we live in a dead zone, so she couldn't use it from home to call her friends anyway!) and she knows that if she abuses it in any way it will be taken away immediately.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

My two (13 & 15) have tracfones. I've told them that they need to show their responsibility with that cell phone access before I'll consider a family plan. I simply can't afford to have them run amuck with texting, paid calls, etc. They've been responsible, and I'm looking at the best deal I can get for a family plan at this point. My son has offered to pay for texting for the both of them if I change plans.

They both know that the consequence for cell phone abuse is a phone restricted to certain callers. Very not cool.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????

Yes....he has a *habit* of talking to people he doesn't know. We had to take away his Myspace account for that reason...just total refusal to follow any rules. But then he would just take numbers of friend of friends and spend half the night on the phone with So and So from Wherever, whom he does not know. Texting is impossible to track. If he deletes them, they are not retrievable and frankly, I don't think he makes great decisions in that regard. We let him have the IM on the computer (we do have ability to track that if we need to).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 

Your son has basically told you that if you don't buy him texting he is going to do it anyway. He doesn't care about the extra money and he thinks he is going to bully you into getting him a text plan.

I would say something like, "Son, I can see you aren't ready for the responsibility of a cell phone. This is a tool and not a toy. We will try again when you are ready to follow the rules."

Yes, this is what I am afraid it comes down to.

It just feels so CRAPPY to not be able to trust him not to abuse privleges. And of course he spends all his time complaining that we never let him do anything...which is SO not true.

He 100% insists this is all my fault and he has no blame, because I didn't get the text package like he *told me to*. He takes no responsibility for his actions and that's been a problem for a long time.

My thought was to tell him that I am disappointed and dont feel he is ready for the cell phone. He will have a schedule of work to do to pay off the bill (yard work, trash, etc). Once he has shown diligence and responsibility with paying it off, he can get the phone back with texting disabled (if verizon does this) and he will sign a contract about the rules and rights of the phone use.

?


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## kate3 (May 4, 2007)

I would take away the phone. When he pays back eveything he owes you, then you can have a conversation about whether he is mature and responsible enough to get the phone back.


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## ComeOnLetsGo (Nov 19, 2001)

You can have texting blocked for that phone - with AT&T you can log in to your account online and do it, or you can call and have it blocked. My ds pays for his own unlimited text package ($20/month). In your case, with his blatant disregard for your rules, I would simply take the phone away. It is a priviledge, not a right.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

oh you have 3 boys, too!!

Yes, i agree with you all. I know the phone is being taken away. We've tried to be more lenient on him recently due to other issues and some recognition of room for better parenting on our part. But this is just not one of those things that has a lot of wiggle room once you have abused it like this.

THe phone has to go.

And on to the next issue:

I KNOW he will say that he is not going to do anything to pay back the money unless we give him the phone first. He makes terrorist-like demands when he doesn't like how things go. "You give me what I want first". Ugh. So I'm thinking this might get into a pissing contest. Ultimately, he is not getting phone until I am satisfied that he will agree to follow the rules AND he has worked off the $322 bill he created. And that's all I can do.

We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??

I'd say the odds are in your favor









I originally was going to post to say just get the silly $15 text package- OIY. I see why that is not a good idea with your ds.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
I'd say the odds are in your favor









I originally was going to post to say just get the silly $15 text package- OIY. I see why that is not a good idea with your ds.

Just posting a reply to save you from killing one more thread.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

This is why my 14 year old daughter does not currently have a cell phone-I personally think she does not have the maturity for it. My nearly 17 year ole-uses it to aoccaialnly text freinds and to check in with me. Sallie


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## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

OK, after reading more of your posts, I'd say the phone must go away.

Seriously, I'd look into having him get a real job (where he works for someone other than a relative, gets paid, has to be at work at a certain time, etc).

And I'd have him pay you back for the text bill a certain percentage of his paycheck at a time (20%? 50%? 10%? you decide what is best for your family).

I think that being responsible for actually earning the money to pay the bill might go a long way.

When he's paid back the bill, then I'd allow him to get a phone again. With texting disabled.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ann-Marita* 
OK, after reading more of your posts, I'd say the phone must go away.

Seriously, I'd look into having him get a real job (where he works for someone other than a relative, gets paid, has to be at work at a certain time, etc).

And I'd have him pay you back for the text bill a certain percentage of his paycheck at a time (20%? 50%? 10%? you decide what is best for your family).

I think that being responsible for actually earning the money to pay the bill might go a long way.

When he's paid back the bill, then I'd allow him to get a phone again. With texting disabled.

This is what I basically sent to DH in an email a little while ago. The problem is that he is not old enough to work and we have exhausted all family jobs this summer. I'm going to send out a mass email to family, as long as he agrees to it. I bet for really cheap labor they can come up with something.

Unless he refuses. Grrrrr.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I don't know about 'forcing' him into a job for a long-suffering family member, which he then does, if at all, with a very bad attitude.

I'd take the phone away, because of the blackmail (get me what I want or I'll take it) and because of the safety issue.

I'd say I would 'consider' a phone again if I saw a change in the behavior that concerned me, and describe the change I wanted to see, i.e. finding a way to pay for the unexpected bill and demonstrating responsible behavior including safe internet and phone usage. One step towards that change would be him coming to you with a plan as to how he will earn the money to pay you back for the bill. But he has to come up with the plan - that's not your job.


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## HeidiAnn67 (Jun 12, 2007)

I'd take the phone away too.

With my older boys the only phone we ever got them was a prepaid one. I wasn't going to get into any trouble that way (and I remember being a teen too and know how easy it is to get into problems







). My oldest son (now 19) just got himself a "real" cell phone as he calls it and when the bill came he was shocked (not my responsibility anymore, he'll have to deal with the bill himself) and was complaining about all the "hidden charges".

I know now I made the right choice with the prepaid.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
So this month's cell bill on his number is $322. 56. ALL text messages. All of them. 2200, to be exact. He also downloaded AIM and something else on his phone which he was not only instructed NOT to do, but we had to go in and remove it once already.

I'm fond of texting myself, but 2200 messages in a month??! That is over 70 a day! That sounds pretty obsessive to me...

Take away the phone, and when you are ready to let him have a phone again, get a prepaid fo which you both agree on a monthly allowance of minutes.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
So my almost 14 year old (who is a full on teen) has a cell phone we pay for. He knows he is NOT allowed to use it when it isnt free except important reasons and NO text messages ever (too difficult to moniter and they cost a small fortune).

So this month's cell bill on his number is $322. 56. ALL text messages. All of them. 2200, to be exact. He also downloaded AIM and something else on his phone which he was not only instructed NOT to do, but we had to go in and remove it once already.

He basically blamed me, saying that I wouldn't pay the extra whatever to get him text messaging. Is totally and completely belligerant which I know is age appropriate so I am certainly not rising to the occasion or getting visibly upset.

But I dont really know how to instigate consequence. The money thing is HUUUGE, as we have almost double our normal bills this one month, coincidentally. And more importantly, he willfully and intentionally betrayed our rules (again!) and is nonchalant about it.

I haven't read any responses, so I may repeat others.

The phone would disappear. Gone. He would be doing extras around the house to help pay for the bill. The fact that this isn't the first time he has abused the phone rules show he isn't mature enough to handle the resonsibilities that go along with a phone.

You can call the cell phone company and have all media features removed/blocked. We have a cell for our kids to use when they are out without us and the first thing we did was block the media package. They can't download from the website, text, or anything media.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
I KNOW he will say that he is not going to do anything to pay back the money unless we give him the phone first. He makes terrorist-like demands when he doesn't like how things go. "You give me what I want first". Ugh. So I'm thinking this might get into a pissing contest. Ultimately, he is not getting phone until I am satisfied that he will agree to follow the rules AND he has worked off the $322 bill he created. And that's all I can do.

We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??

Honestly.....he would lose all priveleges if he pulled that tactic at my house. He would be confined to the house and school....nothing else.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I'm fond of texting myself, but 2200 messages in a month??! That is over 70 a day! That sounds pretty obsessive to me...

Take away the phone, and when you are ready to let him have a phone again, get a prepaid fo which you both agree on a monthly allowance of minutes.

Well, he downloaded the AIM for the phone so he "chats" in text. And he was not only told NOT to, but he did it before and we deleted it from his phone and gave him a second chance.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
Just posting a reply to save you from killing one more thread.










OMG- I do kind of have a bad reputation in that area







And I try so hard not to!

Thanks for noticing- really it made my day that at least someone on here knows at least something about me







:


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

well, THAT went horribly. yikes.







:

I waited until he was in a good mood and offered him the opportunity to earn the money to pay us back.

ha!

He laughed in my face and told me the only way he would pay us for the bill is if we gave him his phone back AND pay for the extra text messaging package. I told him I don't give into "terrorist-like demands" (which was, admittedly, HORRIBLE wording that I apologized for). He wanted sooo badly to argue with me about irrelevant and abstract things because I simply would not take the bait for an argument. He was livid.

So he stormed upstairs and began calmly and methodically putting holes in the wall in his room. Nice. At first I went to confront him and tell him to stop ruining my house but he was very sarcastic and calm and told me it was stress relief so I realized he was trying to bait me some more.

So I went downstairs. Called my BFF for advice (he's a mental health counselor for troubled teens...lucky me!). And here we are. Phone is being shut off, bill will be paid, and if he wants a phone or $ for the movies or the mall or anything else, he'll get it when he pays us back.

And YES I am making it easy for him to do that (a list of chores and yardwork with a $$ amount attached to each, he can do it as he pleases).

So, what? 2, 3 more years? Aye-yi-yi.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Oh wow!!!







s

I have no advice. I am having enough trouble with my own teen, but I thought would at least offer hugs.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
well, THAT went horribly. yikes.







:

I waited until he was in a good mood and offered him the opportunity to earn the money to pay us back.

ha!

He laughed in my face and told me the only way he would pay us for the bill is if we gave him his phone back AND pay for the extra text messaging package. I told him I don't give into "terrorist-like demands" (which was, admittedly, HORRIBLE wording that I apologized for). He wanted sooo badly to argue with me about irrelevant and abstract things because I simply would not take the bait for an argument. He was livid.

So he stormed upstairs and began calmly and methodically putting holes in the wall in his room. Nice. At first I went to confront him and tell him to stop ruining my house but he was very sarcastic and calm and told me it was stress relief so I realized he was trying to bait me some more.

So I went downstairs. Called my BFF for advice (he's a mental health counselor for troubled teens...lucky me!). And here we are. Phone is being shut off, bill will be paid, and if he wants a phone or $ for the movies or the mall or anything else, he'll get it when he pays us back.

And YES I am making it easy for him to do that (a list of chores and yardwork with a $$ amount attached to each, he can do it as he pleases).

So, what? 2, 3 more years? Aye-yi-yi.

I hope you are adding the amount of fixing the holes he created to the amount. I would also be check into a repairman who can fix the holes with my son working right along side.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Houdini* 
I hope you are adding the amount of fixing the holes he created to the amount. I would also be check into a repairman who can fix the holes with my son working right along side.

i certainly am adding it to the bill!! But if I tried to get him to fix it, he'd simply refuse and laugh.


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
i certainly am adding it to the bill!! But if I tried to get him to fix it, he'd simply refuse and laugh.

Have you removed all priveleges outside of school?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I would take away the phone. Can he pay off the debt slowly out of his allowance?


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

(okay that is not very PC. But Im so happy about it!)

Im walking through the house tidying up and he calls from the sofa, "Mum".

I turn, "yes?"

"I'm sorry".

I did a doubletake. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

I went over and kissed his head. "Thank you. that means alot to me. And for the record, even when I was upset I loved you. I always do". (just have to get that in sometimes).

He said, "And I want to take your offer. to pay off the bill".

Woot! woot!!

This is huge progress for us.









I did mention that, right? We offered to make a list of chores and attach $$ values to them, so he could work off the bill.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

From you're last few posts it sounds like he's been wanting/needing the tough love/boundries for a while & it may be getting through to him.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
From you're last few posts it sounds like he's been wanting/needing the tough love/boundries for a while & it may be getting through to him.

yeah I get both responses: I'm too tough, I'm not tough enough. All I can say is that with this dramatic change in personality since puberty, Dh and I have re-visited many of our parenting strategies and sort of re-grouped on many things. It's a constant change. But I agree that I was easily intimidated before and rose to his bait too often. So I'm trying to pay more attention to setting boundaries, sticking with them, and not letting him pull the argument off the track and into a ditch!


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
(okay that is not very PC. But Im so happy about it!)

Im walking through the house tidying up and he calls from the sofa, "Mum".

I turn, "yes?"

"I'm sorry".

I did a doubletake. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

I went over and kissed his head. "Thank you. that means alot to me. And for the record, even when I was upset I loved you. I always do". (just have to get that in sometimes).

He said, "And I want to take your offer. to pay off the bill".

Woot! woot!!

This is huge progress for us.









I did mention that, right? We offered to make a list of chores and attach $$ values to them, so he could work off the bill.

Very Cool!!! It seems that maybe he was testing the waters to see if you would give in to his demands. I am glad things are looking better.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

Is MetroPCS offered in your area? It's dirt cheap (45 per month, unlimited calls and text messaging) and a lot of teens in this area have one. It works well as a kid phone, because service area's aren't huge, and it saves you from fluctuating bills each month. The only prob is customer service isn't great, and neither is service outside of their fairly limited coverage area. Just my .02.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *embers* 
Since you have talked to him about this, told him NOT to do it, make limits and boundaries, had past issues (had to take AIM off already), and he is being belligerent and blameful of you; take the phone away?







: Try again in 6 months?

I agree. And IMO, having a cell phone is a privilege, not a necessity. If he intentionally did the opposite of what you asked, perhaps it should be taken away for awhile. Tho I think I would take it for a month and then try again.


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## Garden~Lover (Aug 13, 2007)

wow I just went through this, not 4 months ago. first strike, ds broke his window by throwing darts. well he has to replace that. Then we shut off our land line and added 1 more line to our family plan, and let him have the phone. Told him NO texting , NO IM chat, well he thought I wouldnt know







: would never find out if he was texting. Well , we got the first bill, it was something like $150 instead of the $80. of course he was grounded blah blah blah, explained again no texting. well this was like the tail end of one billing time, the next billing time rolls around. our bill was $850!!!! he was going online on the phone.







: . yeah well that phone was taken away. he was told why he was in so much trouble. he said he didnt know it cost money to download pictures for the wallpaper, to talk to friends , and what ever eles he was doing. Well his birthday went by, he handed over his birthday money, he still owes me LOTS. took me a good 2 months to calm down over this. I told him he could get a job if he does good in school (freshman year) I dont want him to have any distractions and other things to worry about, and that he is not off the hook.

I dont like teenage years, I am not looking forward to my older dd becoming a teen.







:


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

$850!?! Oh, my.

As I've said, the phone is GONE. He can earn the $$ to repay us for the bill and if he gets tired of the holes he put in the wall, DH will happily take him to Home Depot and spend a few hours helping him fix them. And he'll want to do that when he asks to have company spend the night and I say, "no, not in a room with holes in the walls and no door!".

A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!


I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.

he's a fairly affectionate kid anyway. So if I can use this as a way to encourage that, it's good. I dont think, at almost 14, he'll suddenly associate affection with cash just because I have added it to the list of things to do to work off the bill. It is a good point, though.

I really feel that he'll become more comfortable with those things and recognize the good endorphins that come from it. He's also a very physically....umm...LAZY kid







: So I added walking the dog, riding bike with brother, etc.

it's encouragement, as well as giving him an easy way to "pay us back". I'm trying to show him that we all make mistakes but its important to do the right thing to rectify them and learn better for next time. If I can get some hugs, exercise and grandparent "aaaawwwws" out of it, that's gravy.


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## Naturalyst (Feb 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash?

Agreed. It's not a good idea to intermix working-off the money for his damages (cell phone PLUS wall and door repairs) with acts of affection and things that should be done in the ordinary course of family life.

Set out a list of work and ascribe a dollar value to each item. Post the total cost of his fiasco - cell phone plus home damage - and keep a running, decreasing total as he works it off. Irresponsible and destructive actions have consequences, that's the lesson of having him work off his damages. And, it's a valuable lesson.

Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).

Keep the lessons clear and simple - $ consequences for quantifiable damages, erosion of trust for irresponsible behavior.

(My teen read the original post over my shoulder and commented, "oh, that boy's going to be working off that bill, I hope, and that cell phone is 'so' gone ... huh, oh, that's really sweet - he's blaming his mom? nice try <<ding>> but, no, I don't think so". My first thought was, "Where was 'that' teen when I got a $350 bill for her unsanctioned cellphone use not so long ago? Then, I realized 'that' was the product of the lessons she learned from the experience of being made to take responsibility for the bill - the lesson was learned and now incorporated into her thinking.)

Even though I disagree with some of your approach, hats off to you, mama, for making your son "own" his actions.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:

Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).
I do understand









But I dont agree that in this situation, I am cheapening the value. I guess you'd have to be here to get what I mean but he is an affectionate kid already and I like to encourage that.

By adding things like hugging, I have added humor to lighten the huge feeling of this lesson. He laughed when he saw it, I think he gets it. I am trying to make it easy for him to understand that he can screw up and make a mistake, but still recover from it.


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## Naturalyst (Feb 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
I am trying to make it easy for him to understand that he can screw up and make a mistake, but still recover from it.

In which case, I stand corrected.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Parenting is one of those things that everyone will have an opinion about and in ths situation, I dont think there is a definitive answer to "waht is the best way?". So everyone'e input is appreciated.


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## MSmomma3 (Mar 28, 2007)

Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MSmomma3* 
Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...

Yes, Cingular sucks that way. When we were forced to migrate to Cingular from ATT DH called them and complained. He didn't think we should be charged for incoming spam messages. (AT&T had only charged for outgoing.) He could NOT get the customer service rep to understand that you could get unsolicited spam on your cell phone. She keep saying they couldn't email you if you had not given them your number. And he keep telling her yes they could, they just need a script to randomly dial number. But it is illegal she said. And dh was like.. um since when do criminals care if it is illegal? But it is illegal, they can't do it. Again dh said.. yes it is illegal but criminals don't care and do it anyway! She never did grasp or wouldn't admit to grasping what DH was talking about.









Anyway, IMO 35 is A LOT of extra money for an unlimited plan. With sprint it is $15 and we still aren't getting it for DD. I might think about it for Christmas. We were going to get the family text plan however when I checked into it, it is not available with our plan. We would have to downgrade our minutes to get it. Now we are just biding our time to get ride of sprint. Their service sucks.


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## MSmomma3 (Mar 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
Yes, Cingular sucks that way. When we were forced to migrate to Cingular from ATT DH called them and complained. He didn't think we should be charged for incoming spam messages. (AT&T had only charged for outgoing.) He could NOT get the customer service rep to understand that you could get unsolicited spam on your cell phone. She keep saying they couldn't email you if you had not given them your number. And he keep telling her yes they could, they just need a script to randomly dial number. But it is illegal she said. And dh was like.. um since when do criminals care if it is illegal? But it is illegal, they can't do it. Again dh said.. yes it is illegal but criminals don't care and do it anyway! She never did grasp or wouldn't admit to grasping what DH was talking about.









Anyway, IMO 35 is A LOT of extra money for an unlimited plan. With sprint it is $15 and we still aren't getting it for DD. I might think about it for Christmas. We were going to get the family text plan however when I checked into it, it is not available with our plan. We would have to downgrade our minutes to get it. Now we are just biding our time to get ride of sprint. Their service sucks.

35.00 is a ton of money a month but for us with a fast typing DD its worth it. She can go through 500 texts a day...not kidding. Although I have to admit maybe if we limited she wouldn't text as much...but on the bright side she seldom calls....so which is the greater evil?


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MSmomma3* 
35.00 is a ton of money a month but for us with a fast typing DD its worth it. She can go through 500 texts a day...not kidding. Although I have to admit maybe if we limited she wouldn't text as much...but on the bright side she seldom calls....so which is the greater evil?

In my opinion texting. It leads to poor grammer as kids get used to talking in acronyms.

My daughter can talk on her phone all she wants. After 7pm, on weekends, or to anyone who already has Sprint or Nextel.

Is the $35 just for your daughter, or is the family plan? For one phone unlimited on Sprint is $15 and the family plan (if you have the right plan) is $20.


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## MSmomma3 (Mar 28, 2007)

The 35.00 is for all of us...which isn't that bad.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Yea.. that isn't too bad for a family plan. If we could get one.. we would.. but sprint is being butts. They changed their plans and while they technically can't take ours away, they can not let us get any cool features like family texting.

We would loose like 200 minutes a month at the same price we have no to get a plan that allows texting. And believe me.. we use ALL our minutes.. and then some. (DH uses 90% of the minutes.)


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

I have two teenage daughters. We have had the same problem with the texting. My daughters, and all their friends, text like crazy.

They convinced me to purchase the "unlimited texting" option. This has worked out well, and has brought the phone bills way, way down. It was an excellent solution for us. I don't want to take away their cell phones because there are many times when I need/want to be able to reach my kids.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

I do have the option of adding texting for $10/month. But I am not convinced yet that he is making good decisions about WHO he talks to. (its been an issue). With phone calls, I can moniter who he calls. With texting, I cannot.

And...the point here is that when I said "this is a tool, not a toy", he needs to respect that. Otherwise, there are consequences. So Im not ready to add a text package at all.

But he is working off of his list as he pleases, so that's putting the ball back in his court. Now he owns his mistake and I have thrown him a liferaft to help him swim to shore. Life is bigger than money or working...this is a bog lesson for him.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

For me, it is very much to my advantage for my kids to have cell phones. A lot of people are saying that this is a privilege for the kids, but I also am strongly motivated to have the cell phone relationship work out.

I could give countless examples -- one of my daughters is on sports teams, and sometimes the games get delayed. It's 9:00 on a weeknight, and I'm becoming alarmed about where she is. Then she calls on the cell phone saying, "The game was delayed I'm on the bus." _Or_ we went hiking last week -- our daughters are faster than my husband and I, and they went ahead of us (but called on the cell when they came to a fork in the trail.)

People say, "take the phone away" if the teen is spending too much but I feel that would be to our disadvantage. I know that when I was a teenager kids didn't have cell phones but, on the other hand, my mother didn't work and because I do, there are more occasions where we need to stay in touch.


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## bugsmom125 (Aug 3, 2007)

my children have gotten into trouble with their cell phones, luckily they had the money in their savings accounts to pay for bill, depending on which service you have there are lots of things you can have blocked on their phones, i currently have everything that can be blocked on their phones, i also took them away from them which was the worst punishment of all


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Ideally, I'd like to let him have the cell phone because it IS convenient and makes our lives easier. But the lesson here has to be bigger than that. He won't confine to the rules and follow our parameters. This is a secnd infraction and it was BIG. So, if I hand back the phone now, he will refuse to pay it off, know that he got away with it, and the lesson is lost.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

So are things still going well with the chore list and his overall attitude about paying you back? Is he still accepting not having the phone until he's met your ALL of your requirements? Also, I was wondering what sort of $ you had for what type of chores, honestly are they realistic for the job? Sorry to bombard you with all these questions but I couldn’t help but wonder if as time was going by if he was starting to be difficult about it. I know that when my son receives consequence’s that take time he tends to start trying to barter and negotiate his way out of it after a length of “good behavior”.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

you did a great job, i think!


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StrugglingMomX's2* 
So are things still going well with the chore list and his overall attitude about paying you back? Is he still accepting not having the phone until he's met your ALL of your requirements? Also, I was wondering what sort of $ you had for what type of chores, honestly are they realistic for the job? Sorry to bombard you with all these questions but I couldn't help but wonder if as time was going by if he was starting to be difficult about it. I know that when my son receives consequence's that take time he tends to start trying to barter and negotiate his way out of it after a length of "good behavior".

So far, so good. There is no bartering, very intentionally. My goal was to put the ownership back on him so it was presented as, "This is what you can do to make this right and clean the slate. THEN we'll discuss your options for a phone. If you choose not to do it, so be it". It was sorta like bluffing but it worked.

The monetary values of jobs are MORE than I would actually pay him. But like I said, we felt it was important to offer him the liferaft and show him the way to swim to shore. The lesson here is bigger than money and a cell phone bill. It's about responsibility. And I want him to know there is more important stuff than work.

For example:
Helping with market shopping (including bringing in all bags): $20
Unload and reload dishwasher: $10
30 minutes of one on one play with the toddler: $30

i think the compensation is pretty inflated, but if it took him 4 months to pay off he would lose the lesson.

he also called my mother to see if she had any work for him and we decided that 50% of family work compensation will be applied to the bill. So he scrubbed bathrooms and loaded the truck for camping. He got $40, $20 went to us and was taken off the bill.

the total bill ended up being $382. He has worked off $70.


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## lisarussell (Jan 24, 2005)

make him pay for it. take the phone away except on occasions when you know he might need a ride home or something (drop off at a party...) offer him jobs at home he can do and place a reasonable value on them to go toward the bill. keep a chart posted on the fridge so he can see his progress. Instead of harshly reprimanding him, have the attitude that you "know" he will pay it off, it's an easy mistake to make at his age. Expect him to do the honorable thing, and he will think of ideas to help.

Good luck.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

As well as disabling text messaging, you should also be able to disable internet access so you don't have to worry about him downloading software (like AIM) when he gets the phone back.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisarussell* 
make him pay for it. take the phone away except on occasions when you know he might need a ride home or something (drop off at a party...) offer him jobs at home he can do and place a reasonable value on them to go toward the bill. keep a chart posted on the fridge so he can see his progress. Instead of harshly reprimanding him, have the attitude that you "know" he will pay it off, it's an easy mistake to make at his age. Expect him to do the honorable thing, and he will think of ideas to help.

Good luck.

thats kinda what we did. But we do not give it to him for when he "needs it". If he wants to do something that we say requires the phone, he cant do it. He needs to fix the sitch first.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TechnoGranola* 
As well as disabling text messaging, you should also be able to disable internet access so you don't have to worry about him downloading software (like AIM) when he gets the phone back.

We've been looking at plans and options. Theres a lot out there!!


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:

But I dont really know how to instigate consequence.
Well, I would start with taking away the phone, permanently. If you're paying for it, it's your phone, and if you allow him to use it, it's under your rules. If he willfully broke the rules, you have no reason to extend him the trust of using it again.

I'd also contact all my friends and family and tell them that ds needs to earn some money and ask whether they have some odd jobs he can do for them. Continue this until he has paid you back.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
I KNOW he will say that he is not going to do anything to pay back the money unless we give him the phone first.

Call a friend and arrange to drop him off there to do some work for the friend to earn some money to pay off the bill. Tell him you will come to bring him home for dinner AFTER he has done the work.

Two can play at this game. While I am really not into bullying kids around, if his MO is to bully you, well, show him that you won't be bullied.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
if it took him 4 months to pay off he would lose the lesson.

No, he wouldn't. I think it would make the lesson stick better, actually. Making it easier for him just because you don't want him to suffer will, imo, lessen the impact of his actions. Paying him exhorbitant amounts of money for small amounts of work and letting him work off his debt by hugging you makes it look, imo, like you are taking on the responsibility of making sure he succeeds, not making it his responsibility.

dm


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I don't know how paying him outlandish amounts for easy task is teaching much about the value of a dollar. Your sending him a life raft or a yacht?


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

allright, allright









I understand where you are coming from...I do. But this plan was hatched with a counselor (who works specifically with teens), DS's own psychologist and I really feel like I'm on track. Reprimanding him for the bill and the missuse of the phone is not The Big Picture.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

If you feel like your on track...great. Honestly, I don't know what I would do in the same situation. Glad your not on a huge power struggle and your trying out your options.


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## soccermominsd (Feb 8, 2006)

Hi Stinkerbell (love your username)...
I haven't read through the whole thread but wanted to mention that I went through this with my then 16yo DD.

Basically I made her pay off her debt to me by working it off around the house in chores. Not her regular chores either, but stuff like washing my car, sweeping the garage, cleaning the floors etc. I told her she would get between $5-$10 per hour credit for the work she did. She didn't run up $300+ it was only $75, but the principal of her going against what she was allowed to do was there









Now that she is working she has to pay for her insurance & texting part of the bill ($20 per month).


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## JustJamie (Apr 24, 2006)

This thread just serves as one more reason why my kids won't have cell phones til they can buy one on their own. They are a privilege and a convenience, not a necessity.

It always boggles my mind when parents say "but my kid NEEDS one for X, Y, or Z reason"...ya know, your kid doesn't REALLY need one...you just want your kid to have one for the convenience. I didn't have one in high school, though a couple of my friends did...if I ended up needing to stay after school, I'd go to the principal's office and ask to use the phone to call my mom and let her know. If an after school function ran late, same thing - I would go to the principal's office (always unlocked during school functions) and ask to use the phone. If I needed a ride, I'd ask one of my teachers, or one of my friends - or, worst case scenario, my house was only about 2.5 miles away from the high school, so I walked. But, I'd...you guessed it...call my mom from the principal's office before I left the school, so she'd know what was up. Made it through all 4 years of high school without ever "needing" a cell phone. We even established a method if we needed to use a pay phone - call collect, and then when it gives you the option to say your name, just talk really quickly "J. needs picked up at RHS/metrolink/mall"...my mom or whoever answered the phone would deny charges, and then come pick me up.

If it was REALLY important and not something that could be said during the 3 second recording, I'd just say my name, and whoever would accept charges...but that only happened twice in my recollection - once when my brother and I blew a tire on the highway halfway between St. Louis and Columbia, and once when I was in an accident on the highway halfway between Kansas City and Columbia. Yep, that's right...from the time my brother was 16, he and I drove ourselves between St. Louis and Kansas City for bi-monthly visitation...without a cell phone. We called the receiving parent before we left, and called the custodial parent when we arrived. So both parents knew if they hadn't heard from us for 4.5 hours, call the state highway patrol. Never happened...the 2 times the drive took longer than 4.5 hours, we used a pay phone.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustJamie* 
we used a pay phone.









In the cell-phone era, at least in our area, there are very few payphones left.

But I think that it's balanced out by the fact that every random four-year-old has their own cell phone







, so there's always someone to ask if you need help.

My 13-year-old daughter recently asked me when I would buy her a cell phone. I said, "Never." She was flabbergasted. I explained to her that they didn't even HAVE cell phones when I was her age, and she thought I was lying. I told her when she was old enough to get a job and pay for her own cell phone, she could buy one.

dm


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustJamie* 

It always boggles my mind when parents say "but my kid NEEDS one for X, Y, or Z reason"...ya know, your kid doesn't REALLY need one...you just want your kid to have one for the convenience. I didn't have one in high school, though a couple of my friends did...if I ended up needing to stay after school, I'd go to the principal's office and ask to use the phone to call my mom and let her know. If an after school function ran late, same thing - I would go to the principal's office (always unlocked during school functions) and ask to use the phone. If I needed a ride, I'd ask one of my teachers, or one of my friends - or, worst case scenario, my house was only about 2.5 miles away from the high school, so I walked. But, I'd...you guessed it...call my mom from the principal's office before I left the school, so she'd know what was up. Made it through all 4 years of high school without ever "needing" a cell phone. We even established a method if we needed to use a pay phone - call collect, and then when it gives you the option to say your name, just talk really quickly "J. needs picked up at RHS/metrolink/mall"...my mom or whoever answered the phone would deny charges, and then come pick me up.

That's great - IF they allow the kids to use the phone. Our school doesn't except in an absolute emergency. The day I went frantic because I was at work and my son called to tell my my daughter wasn't home (a half hour after she should have been) and it turned out that the late bus she was taking was full so they had to get another to come out, they weren't allowed to use the school phone and no one would let her use their cell - was the day I got them both cell phones. Maybe it's not a necessity in your life, but it is in ours.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Our school does NOT allow phone calls home. If it's really serious the secretary will call but that's rare. There are no payphones within walking distance of my home.

And really, him having the phone is more about ME being able to reach HIM when I want to, not the other way around.

I do believe it's "necessary" for my kids. Without it, they wouldn't be allowed to do the things they normally do: walk to friends' houses, walk to the plaza, go for pizza with the baseball team, stroll the mall without a parent, go to the movies with friends....citylife in 2007 is no joke. It is NOT like it was when I grew up (back with the Flintstones). The cellphone is a necessity to keep open communication which encourages their safety.

You dont have to agree, of course. BUt that is my position for MY kids, in my city.


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## JustJamie (Apr 24, 2006)

Wow, I just can't imagine a school not allowing the students to call their parents. That's just...







:

I would never ever allow my kids to go someplace (even school) where they would not be allowed to contact me.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

My 13 year old daughter has had a prepaid TracFone for just about a year, and it has been the best investment I've ever made. I'm a single mom of three kids with no involvement from their father. This year I have three kids in three different schools. My daughter is involved in volleyball and band right now, and has something for at least one of those every single day of the week, except for Sunday. I'm very thankful for cell phones (mine is prepaid too, and both phones end up costing me less than $100 per year, because she truly only uses it when it is necessary to call me) at this point in my life.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustJamie* 
Wow, I just can't imagine a school not allowing the students to call their parents. That's just...







:

I would never ever allow my kids to go someplace (even school) where they would not be allowed to contact me.

Well, my son needs his education and if there was an emergency they would call. But he would not be allowed to call and say, "I'm staying here to do XYZ", "Im watching the football game", "Im walking Friend home", etc.

I took a crappy circumstance, sought advice from moms, professionals and other teens and made the best decision I felt I could at the time. That's all I can do.


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kennedy444* 
I would take the phone away until he has paid off his portion of the bill. I would also disable the text feature until he is able and/or willing to pay to have texting in the future.

Yup. Then tell him to buy and pay for his own phone with his own money. 14 is not too young to learn to be responsible. maybe if he paid for it himself, he would treat the situation differently.


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
And really, him having the phone is more about ME being able to reach HIM when I want to, not the other way around.

How did your parents reach you when you were a teen?

I know when I was a teen my parents could reach me by knowing EXACTLY where I was. They could call my friend's house and I would be there. Or they would go to the lake and I would be there.

With a cell phone, he could tell you he could be anywhere and you'd never know the differene.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaomiMcC* 
How did your parents reach you when you were a teen?

I know when I was a teen my parents could reach me by knowing EXACTLY where I was. They could call my friend's house and I would be there. Or they would go to the lake and I would be there.

With a cell phone, he could tell you he could be anywhere and you'd never know the differene.

I was not allowed to go anywhere unless it was IN a house where the family was KNOWN and HOME, and that was verified. I was on a super tight leash.

In contrast, when I spent time with my biological mother, I could go anywhere, do anything, had no communication. I got into lots of awful trouble and one very horrific thing happened to me that could have absolutely been avoided if I had a cell phone then.

There is a thread on whether or not kids "need" cell phones. This isn't it. In my house, my kids NEED cell phones. End of story.


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## hvl25 (Jan 28, 2003)

we just recently had this happen but only $60 worth. i made him pay for it. he mowed lawns


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I'm glad to hear things are going better, and you have me thinking about how I would handle a situation like that. This is more me thinking aloud--not telling you to do anything different!

You know...first of all, we just wouldn't have had the money for that bill, and that would have been the consequence ds couldn't get around if we found ourselves in that situation. "Wow, your bill is huge. It's too bad...I only had enough money to pay for the amount we agreed upon, and the company is going to shut it off if the bill isn't paid. If you want to find some extra work to do over the next few months to pay it down I bet you can get the phone turned back on eventually. Sorry sweetie. That happened to me once. It's easy to forget how fast those minutes add up." End of discussion.

The consequence of not paying a bill--the company shuts off the phone. If he wants the phone back, he can brainstorm ways to earn enough money to get it turned on. I can't pay it for him.

But I realized that even if I had the money-- I would never pay off a bill he earned via reckless behavior with the expectation that he pay me back. That transfers all the strain to *our* relationship. Like loaning money to a friend in a bad situation--it's a poor choice and can create resentment, despite good intentions. I find this to be true regarding money in almost every relationship. If you really feel led to help someone who made a mistake--donate a gift amount, no strings attached. If you need conditions on the money--that they be grateful, pay it all back, become more responsible, behave differently in the future--don't give it. Now, life is full of grey area's--perhaps ds made an honest mistake and expressed real appreciate for some help. Perhaps it wasn't a mistake at all--someone stole his phone and racked up a huge bill. If I really had the money, there are definitely situations in which I'd be more than happy to step in and pay off a bill for someone, as a gift, because I really wanted to help out. However if I felt ds was making poor choices because he counted on me to bail him out--I would focus on emotional support and helping him make better choices, and part of that lesson, in my worldview, would mean paying off the bill to the phone company himself.

Like I said, this is just me thinking aloud, and not a criticism of the OP. Every situation is different.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:

The consequence of not paying a bill--the company shuts off the phone. If he wants the phone back, he can brainstorm ways to earn enough money to get it turned on. I can't pay it for him.
But this would cost us an ADDITIONAL $200 for a shut-off fee, on top of going on my credit report.

He's earning the money and things are going well. Now that I can look back a bit more clearly, I know this same solution would NOT work for my second child. He;s a different kid and needs to learn different lessons. So all in all this has been a big learning experience for all of us.

I did the best I could in the situation and luckily, it was the right thing. But yeah...different people and situations call for different approaches!


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## Adastra (May 30, 2007)

Stinkerbell, I think you've handled it beautifully. The important thing is that it sounds like his attitude has changed and he's being more respectful and owning up to the responsibility.

I understand about kids needing cellphones - mine like to bike around our small town and go home after school with friends, and I wouldn't be comfortable if we weren't able to be in touch by phone. Also - I really treasure some of the texts I've received from them, we joke a lot by text.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

aw, thanks, mama!


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Adastra* 
Stinkerbell, I think you've handled it beautifully. The important thing is that it sounds like his attitude has changed and he's being more respectful and owning up to the responsibility.

I understand about kids needing cellphones - mine like to bike around our small town and go home after school with friends, and I wouldn't be comfortable if we weren't able to be in touch by phone. Also - I really treasure some of the texts I've received from them, we joke a lot by text.

I always wonder how our mother's felt with us gone for hours at a time and them having no way to contact us. (Not that I don't agree, but if cell phones didn't exist would you make your child stay home?)


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## Adastra (May 30, 2007)

Quote:

(Not that I don't agree, but if cell phones didn't exist would you make your child stay home?)
Damn straight!

(Well, that's what I tell them, anyway!!!)


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)




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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

Your son has a problem - he owes you over $300. It's his problem, though. I think you make a mistake (especially with him) to help him solve the problem. It's his problem - let him solve it! I think it would really help him be more responsible. If you arrange for him to earn the money, it will become your problem again and he won't take responsibility. Just because he can't get a "job" doesn't mean he can't earn the money from doing neighborhood tasks, dog walking, paper route (and there's always that birthday money from Grandma)....heck, my 10 year old earns $20/week as a mother's helper!

I would definitely make a new cell phone contingent on paying back the total amount.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Well, the bill is officially "paid off".

He does not know that Verizon gave us a huuuge break on the bill because we have been excellent customers for 7+ years so that bill came down to an actual balance of near $175. We still had him pay off the whole used amount because I needed to lesson to not get lost in the consequence.

Anyway. he did the work at his own pace, he chose what to do, he had a few small tantrums about not getting credit for the regular responsiblities we expect of him. But it's done. Phew!


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Who needs credit for regular responsibilities when you get paid for hugging Mom?









dm


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Who needs credit for regular responsibilities when you get paid for hugging Mom?









dm

Aw, come on. That was pretty low. As I said again and again, the method was decided on with much input between DS's therapist, my BFF (a counselor for troubled teens), DH and DS himself. I felt I was doing the right thing, it worked out well, and we believe the lesson was learned without making his life miserable over it.

I was looking for support and feedback, even if you disagree. But popping in here to insult me and my parenting is really *NOT* helpful.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
I was looking for support and feedback, even if you disagree. But popping in here to insult me and my parenting is really *NOT* helpful.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I wasn't insulting you. I was making a joke, hence the laughing face. My point was, in typical teen/preteen fashion, your son was acting like he was horrendously put upon when, in fact, he wasn't.

Just like my daughter, who is 13, was today completely put out by the fact that I won't be at her soccer game next Wednesday because I have to work (I work 8 hours a week). Apparently, according to my daughter, 3 months ago I should have anticipated that the soccer team she was not yet on was going to have one Wednesday game in their entire season and I should have arranged my work schedule around that. Seems typically self-centered to me. My daughter is in therapy to. I understand following a therapist's advice.

dm


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I wasn't insulting you. I was making a joke, hence the laughing face. My point was, in typical teen/preteen fashion, your son was acting like he was horrendously put upon when, in fact, he wasn't.

Just like my daughter, who is 13, was today completely put out by the fact that I won't be at her soccer game next Wednesday because I have to work (I work 8 hours a week). Apparently, according to my daughter, 3 months ago I should have anticipated that the soccer team she was not yet on was going to have one Wednesday game in their entire season and I should have arranged my work schedule around that. Seems typically self-centered to me. My daughter is in therapy to. I understand following a therapist's advice.

dm

Then I sincerely apologize. I was feeling defensive, not catching the tone.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Uckfay.

I didn't realize this was part of the inane cell phone crap thread.

eletday.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

It's not the wanting me to be there that I felt was self-centered. Of course she wanted me to be there. That's completely understandable. And my husband, my other two kids, and my father and his wife WERE there. I was not, because I had to work.

It was Desta's comments about why I didn't fix my work schedule to accommodate her team's make-up game that was scheduled only 6 days in advance and her comments about how I "always" miss her games (I missed one other one because I was home taking care of a sick child, and Daddy and Grandpa and the other kid WERE there) that made me feel she was being self-centered.

Perhaps if I were a perfect mom I would have tried to find someone to cover for me so I could go to her game. Apparently I am not a perfect mom. Big surprise. I do think Desta was being self-centered. We could have had a reasonable discussion about her disappointment that I wasn't going to be there. Instead we had a big blame fest where I (once again) got to be the big mean Momma who doesn't give a crap about how Desta feels ... because really, in a family of five, it SHOULD always be about how one person feels, right?

Besides, I remember being 13 and thinking that my feelings and desires were more important than everyone else's. I do think it's a pretty typical developmental stage, at least in the cultural climate we live in today.

And after 16 months of being blamed for everything bad that has ever happened to Desta, even things that happened before I even knew she existed, I do tend to run a little short of patience when I am once again told how rotten of a mother I am for not catering to her every desire.

I know that you have a fabulous relationship with your kids, and I am happy for you that you do, but we don't all have that, and sometimes it's through no fault of our own.

dm


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

Yes, I can relate. I am also blamed a lot.Moat of the time,it is not my fault-it is her anger and frustrain and her individuating and trying to cope with more freedom than she is ready for. I also at times feel it is unsafe to be honest about what is happening but I do it anyway. I do not have to be perfect and either do my kids. I share on boards because I don't feel there are that many safe places to share honestly. When I set boundaries to take care of myself, I also feel tons of guilt. I have to decide what is reasonable-to honor my own needs as well as the demands of my daughter-I also have a 17 year old son and a husband besides taking care of me. I am homeschooling, do tons of service work weekly,try to eat healthy, and run a positive home. Trying to meet the demand of compeitive sports as an attachment parenting person can be very overwhelming. During travel season last year, I gave up everything so she could do that and this time I am refusing to do that. I am going to a weekly support group where I can be honest about my feelings and needs, I am going to a church that is more of a fit for me, I am involved in service work and will go to a conference in a city 5 hours from me next weekend for 3 days. (This is the only time of the year that I am not taking care of others )I am going to so stuff like walk the beach, eat with someone I talk to regularly by phone, and lead and attend workshops all weekend.
I see my main role is mother,advocate, encourager, and limit setter. Spending 5 hours a pop at sports games-that conflicts lot for me. Like if I go to her away game on Tuesday, it means that I am away from the house for 7 hours or so and I have a teen son I am also dealing with. I also feel though that she needs my presence there so I need to adjust my shcedule accordingly.I now spend hours a day on academics(I am trying to be realistic and cut back a bit during this time.) with them as well as supporting my son through his first semester of college. My husband has been trying to go to all her away games after working all day. As I shared on a pp, I am conflicted about this-I feel she needs my adovocacy but I also have a need to be here-I many have my son come too unless he is sleeping. I will be here some but I am getting the message I need to be present at all of her games. Parents are not allowed at practices. This may not be offical but it is a message I get. Sallie


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Desta arrived already a teen...and that's a rocky time for many children. With Desta, you get all the normal teen stuff, plus the emotional baggage of death and adoption, along with cultural issues. Plus, when she acts out and is unpleasant, you have no memories or history of her as a small darling baby, or talkative, loving toddler. You have nothing from the past to see you through the bad times. I know you this isn't something don't know. But as a mother, I have gotten though rough behavior patches by recalling those times.

You're doing the best you can, and eventually Desta will become a pleasant adult. I am sure she had fatasies about America and her new family. America-- Where everyone is rich and you can finally have everything you ever needed, plus everything you ever desired. I mean isn't that why people emmigrate?









I think it's fantastic that Desta feels so safe with you that she can act the way she does. If she feared you would also abandon her, she would not be able to express herself in that crazy teen way, or express the frustration that America's streets are not actually paved in gold. You have emotional and cultural expectations to deal with on top of a cranky teen who thinks she's the sun and the starts.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????

My text messaging plan is only five dollars a month.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

I was not certain I wanted him to have texting available to him all the time, as once its deleted it is gone. i cant moniter who he is texting, you know? BUT we did agree to the unlimited texting plan in exchange for him folding and putting away one load of household laundry EVERY DAY after school (on top of his regular responsibilities). This is absolutely worth the $15/month to us, as I am drowning in laundry. And TMobile is logging all his incoming/outgoing #s the texts come from.


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