# Birthday invite with "please no plastic" included...wdyt?



## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

What do you think? I'm about to send out my DD's birthday invites - probably to just family, however I really do NOT want any plastic toys. Period. I have my reasons. In recent years I've put things like "no presents necessary, you're presence is a present enough







" to which people just laugh at and bring presents anyway. They think I'm a mean mom to not want presents for the kids (like they DO NOT have enough as it is!?!?!)

anyway, I thought I'd try something different. If they are going to bring something, how about things I want. Instead of registering somewhere (doesn't work, most folks are too lazy to look). So I thought I would include in the invite the following:

"If you would like to get DD a gift, she is looking forward to reading some new books and wearing spring dresses. And she loves any music she can dance to







Please no plastic toys."

Does that sound horrible? Could it be improved upon? WWYD?


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

I forgot to mention that in the past I have spoken to people one-on-one about no plastic toys and for Christmas my brother and his wife purposely bought my DC all plastic toys. "These toys were made with SAFE plastic." as if there is such a thing?!??! and even so, I said 'no plastic'. They love 'making a point' with children's gifts (don't ask me why...it must be a control issue)...anyway!!....how can I word it so that there is no confusion and no hurt feelings?

thanks again!!


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## halaroo (Jan 21, 2007)

My dd just celebrated her 2nd birthday, and I too did not want any plastic (or any toys for that matter). I wrote in the invitation: "Amelia's toy box is full, so no gifts please" or something to that effect. Of course everyone brought presents but only books and clothes. I was very happy with that outcome.


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## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)

I wonder if you could put something like "we appreciate natural fibered toys" or something like that....or would that confuse people?

I know, it's SO hard to get the point across sometimes. At least for us, friends and family know that we are extremely partial to toys Made in USA! LOL


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

Personally, I think it's rude to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. I wish it weren't so, since I too would want to minimize the unacceptable gifts given to my child at a party for her, but where I live it's very poor form to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. The exception being shower invitations, where I think it's okay for registry information (the store name) to be included.

I wish there were a way to put a creative comment on the invitation about the types of presents you prefer for your child, but I'm just not sure that's possible without coming off as greedy or offending people.







UNLESS you made it a themed party. Like a "Bookfest" or something, in which case you'd hopefully get just books.







Something like, "Come celebrate our birthday with a bookfest! Because we're turning (whatever age) and we love you and we love books! So bring yourself, bring a book, bring a book about yourself!" or something silly like that?

I would NOT put a restriction on things for them to bring, nor a disclaimer on what's not allowed. But I think having a definite theme to the party could help steer people in the right direction.

Bottom line, people will buy what they want to buy. Your ILs (and mine) are a classic example of this. The big problem as I see it is that at a party, your daughter will be opening the presents and you won't get a chance to censor some things out ahead of time. So having a theme that strongly hints at the type of presents you're wanting them to bring, might be the best way to approach it without offending people.

Good luck!

ETA: I like the "Toybox is full, no toys please" suggestion.


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## Sydnee (May 1, 2004)

I agree with Renee. I have family that are the perfect examples of buying cheap plastic stuff, but ya know what? The kids play with them for about a week or so, and then I give them to Goodwill when they've been pushed aside.


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## joy2grow (Apr 10, 2006)

To me the themed party is the only acceptable way to steer gift giving, anything else will come across as rude. I struggled a lot with this issue for dd's birthday and Christmas so I understand how you feel. Even with obvious preferences stated in one-on-one conversations people got dd what they wanted to give. I say just expect to donate what does not suit your family, it will make some other kid super happy when their dp finds the latest gizmo at the thrift store


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## AEZMama (Jul 24, 2005)

You could also consider doing what my sister does-she opened a 529 for my ds when he was born and for each holiday/birthday they contribute an amount to it.

You could set something up and ask everyone to either contribute on their own (you can give them the info maybe?) or ask that in lieu of a toy gift you would like that the money/check be given so that it can go into a college fund that was set up.

Or could you suggest that if they choose to give to dd, maybe they can give a gift card so that she can choose toys on her own? I've let my family know (especially due to the fact they live 2000 miles away) that gift cards are much better since ds likes to pick his own toys (not all a fib, but not all true either







)

This is the first birthday ds has had where we have NO BATTERY OPERATED TOYS!! Yahoo! He got a hula hoop, a wooden music set and money.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I agree with Renee, it's rude to tell people what to buy. Actually according to Miss Manners, ANY mention of a gift on an invitation is a no-no (I violate this all the time for my family!) AND you've already tried the "no plastic please" and it backfired, right? It sounds as if your family is contrary enough to start buying her Barbies if you keep that up!









My family does gift lists, and so it's OK for us to send out specific suggestions (in fact I've got a thread right now in Childhood Years asking for game suggestions for our ds' up-coming birthday). If your family would be OK with this, then I would send specific suggestions in addition to the books and spring dresses. Maybe add a few things like puzzles, markers, art supplies.

Does your family have a sense of humor? Would they respond to something like "If you bring a toy, be prepared to take a different one home with you, as our house is bursting at the seams!"


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## girlygirls3 (Feb 14, 2008)

We did a "book party" for both our daughters first birthdays and that really worked well...

Quote:

This is the first birthday ds has had where we have NO BATTERY OPERATED TOYS
What a great idea!!! Did you ask guests to do that, was it a theme?


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

I think it's rude too, but I thought I had put a cute/nice spin on it...maybe not enough







I think the "Bookfest" thing is a good idea. I was thinking to on the invite that she's excited to fill up her new bookshelf







Is that rude? I pride myself on being couthful, but it seems I've offended







:


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I don't think you can do this without offending. You'd do best to speak to each person and tell them what you do want.

Then later you can donate any plastic toys you receive. I think that no matter what you do you will upset people.


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## BakingMama (Oct 18, 2005)

what about leaving this out of the actual invite but soon after sending out an email to everyone saying that someone asked what dd wants (assuming someone actually does and they probably will) and.........fill in the rest.


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

either MDC or my computer is messing up...


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

either MDC or my computer is messing up...


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyHawk* 
I think it's rude too, but I thought I had put a cute/nice spin on it...maybe not enough







I think the "Bookfest" thing is a good idea. I was thinking to on the invite that she's excited to fill up her new bookshelf







Is that rude? I pride myself on being couthful, but it seems I've offended







:

I think mentioning specifically that she needs books or wants books is a faux pas. I think focusing on a book theme would be enough of a hint for people, hopefully. And put little pictures of books on the invitation, that sort of thing.

I would not say anything about filling up a bookshelf, because to me, that's no better than saying filling up a toybox. Or a closet. Or anything else, honestly. There's a very fine line between suggesting what a welcome gift could be, and telling people what to buy. I'm afraid anything on an invitation outside of a theme would be crass and offensive.

I am not at all opposed to responding to people's inquiries about specific gifts ahead of time, though I've learned they don't always listen (hello, in-laws, I'm talking to you! Why do you bother asking for suggestions if you're going to buy plastic cheap stuff regardless?!?) Ahem. Hehe. I know where you're coming from, I really do.







But I think anything beyond mentioning books as the THEME will be seen as gift-grabbing and people will take offense.

I would not send out an email to people with suggestions unless they ask first. Otherwise it's rude.

I'm sorry -- I truly wish it weren't this way, but unfortunately it is. My in-laws vacillate between totally ignoring our suggestions (when they ask for them), and making an effort to pay attention. My MIL won't buy made in China clothes, but won't think twice about a plastic crappy toy made in China. Which is nuts. But there you have it. Thankfully we just return things to the store, or donate stuff. But I would never dream of telling someone what they should or should not give as a gift (that negates the whole notion of gift-giving) unless they specifically asked.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I think you should omit it, people will feel it is rude. It is technically very poor etiquette. It will also put pressure on people who won't know where to shop.

I think you can be more creative. Like:
"Instead of gifts, please bring your favorite childhood story/game/recipe/poem/book" or something like that.

And then just plan on donating the plastic toys that will probably show up.


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## Swandira (Jun 26, 2005)

I think your wording is very civil and reasonable. However, if they didn't respect your wishes before, I doubt they will now.

Nealy
mama to T, 5, and L, 2


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I don't honestly know if this would work: BUT I would try having invitations decorated with pictures of classic toys, or childrens literary characters, stuff like that.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?

It is rude because any mention of a gift on an invite is to convey a presumption that your guests will bring a gift, and conveys that expectation. Your invitation is an invitation to the event and should itself not insinuate the the invitee needs to bring a gift. To further state what that gift should be is incredibly offensive IMO: "we would love to have you celebrate this special occasion with us. Bring a wooden dumptruck" is just rude. Even if not stating a specific item, stating a type of item is just as rude IMO.

I have also decided that I no longer will write "no gifts please" on the invite, because it is up to the invitee whether or not she would like to bring a gift, and for some people this is an important tradition. We accept gifts graciously, however if individual people do ask our preferences we state them. One of dd's friend's parents called to RSVP and asked what Disney characters dd likes, and I stated she really isn't 'into' Disney characters, and that they don't need to bring a gift at all in fact. They really want to bring one, the child wants to give a gift to her friend, so I made appropriate suggestions.

Some stuff will be undesirable I'm sure, as we live in middle-class suburbia and it's all school friends coming to dd's 7th birthday party, but there is not much we can do about it. We ARE offering appropriate party favours however.


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?

It is rude because they are buying a gift for your child. They are not required to buy a gift, so that in and of itself is a courtesy and kindness they are extending towards the child. If they were giving him cigarettes or something, then yeah, I think it would be absolutely appropriate to say, No, thank you, we don't allow our toddler to smoke.









But if it's something that is given in the spirit of kindness and generosity, then it is rude to tell someone they should or should not limit their gift to a specific thing. It irks me to no end that my ILs buy crap for my child sometimes. But that's just who they are, and we're stuck with them, for good or ill, so I try to accept their gifts graciously, and offer them suggestions when they ask. But I don't expect them to honor those suggestions, even. Because ultimately they are the ones giving the gift. It is their choice what to buy.

Let me put it this way. If you received an invitation that said, "Please come to my child's party. Please do not bring anything that cost less than $100" how would you feel? Wouldn't that be a bit offensive? _Of course_ the OP isn't suggesting that _at all,_ but the key is it brings up a similar feeling people will get, if they're told specifically what they should or should not give as a gift, on an invitation.

Does that make sense?

It's the whole "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" thing, really. It's hard to be gracious and accept a gift when you feel it is not appropriate or healthy for your child, but the key here is to accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given, then afterwards you are free to do whatever you wish with the gift, and the giver never need know.

But telling someone beforehand in an invitation what is and is not allowed runs the risk of alienating and offending those people you're inviting to share in the joy of your child's birthday celebration. I don't want to negatively affect the relationship my child will have with her grandmother (my MIL) so I try to avoid outright telling her what she can and cannot get.

I did send out an email last year in the family update, making mention of a toy we had that was recalled, and how we were just going to avoid all made in China toys if possible. That was borderline rude of me, but it was not connected to a particular gift-giving occasion. Had it been (like in the OP about a party invitation) I would not have said a word. As it was, I felt it was okay to include in the middle of a update type email, sort of barely mentioning it (like Oh the baby is running now! And by the way, we had this toy, blah blah, doesn't that stink? No more made in China stuff for us! And her molars are coming in....). That way it wasn't heavy-handed. But if we're talking about an invitation to party, then no way would I deign to tell people what they should or should not bring.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

It's probably a little heavy handed. BUT I do think that you can let your family know (not on the invites) that any plastic toys WILL be donated to underprivileged children in your child's name. And then do it. That MAY get your point across because they probably DO want to give the child toys they can play with and if you consistently give away the plastic toys maybe they will get the idea!


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

I would just include/pass along that it's a "book party." That makes it simple. People do this for baby showers all the time, and it's lovely.


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

I'm in the camp that says you can't tell other people what kind of gift to give. It's the thought that counts, right? And although I think it is wonderful (no, vital) to have a college fund set up for your child, IMHO, asking people to contribute is even worse that telling them what kind of gift to give. My BIL did that one xmas... asking us to give money to his kids' college funds rather than gifts. Both my DH (his brother) and I were extremely put off. We wanted to give something to the kids to make them happy... right then. No doubt the college fund is important, but it's not my responsibility to fund it. (I know, harsh, but I've got three college to funds to put money into, I don't want to do it for other kids, too.)

Even though I don't always like what my kids get as gifts, I'm appreciative that others love them enough to celebrate their birthday with a gift.


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## akilamonique (Jun 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyHawk* 
What do you think? I'm about to send out my DD's birthday invites - probably to just family, however I really do NOT want any plastic toys. Period. I have my reasons. In recent years I've put things like "no presents necessary, you're presence is a present enough







" to which people just laugh at and bring presents anyway. They think I'm a mean mom to not want presents for the kids (like they DO NOT have enough as it is!?!?!)

anyway, I thought I'd try something different. If they are going to bring something, how about things I want. Instead of registering somewhere (doesn't work, most folks are too lazy to look). So I thought I would include in the invite the following:

"If you would like to get DD a gift, she is looking forward to reading some new books and wearing spring dresses. And she loves any music she can dance to







Please no plastic toys."

Does that sound horrible? Could it be improved upon? WWYD?


My husband's family has everyone make a wish list(I think it crazy for the adults since the kids are starting to have children) I on the other hand I will only send one for our son. Since they insist on doing this last Christmas I made a list on the Step2 and Little Tikes websites, and emailed it to everyone. I choose Step2 and Little Tikes because I am very particular about the kinds of toys my son plays with(23 months) and both companies toys are Made in America(No Lead). The other option I gave them were books. The Aunts and Uncles complied but my husband's parents bought whatever they felt like







, and when they buy stuff it's never age appropriate!
My son's b-day is coming up next month and we will be moving right after, so this year I think I'm going to give them a SPECIFIC list of books that would be appropriate to give as a gift. I'm hoping this will work out, maybe it will work for you.
Just a note: Since I am so picky, I never buy toys for other people's children either. I always buy a book!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?


Why is it rude? Because it's a _*GIFT*_, not a requirement to attend the party. Not something that will be assumed to be coming along with the guest.

And no, it is not rude for someone to bring a gift to your home. Assuming it's not a donkey or something that will defecate in the middle of your dining room. They make the decision to give it, you may make the decision to keep it.


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## DQMama (Mar 21, 2006)

I think ppl might not misinterpret "no plastic toys" unless they know you are into natural parenting, which I'd assume most would. Because some people who don't think about stuff like that might just equate plastic with cheap, not toxic. And then they'd think you were asking for expensive wooden toys. Not that I'd think that, but I can think of a few ppl I know who would LOL.

Usually when ppl rsvp they ask me what the kids want. We are setting up 529s for them so we'll tell family donations when they ask.

If you do get plastic toys, hopefully at least some would come with gift receipts and you could exchange them for books or CDs.


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## SundayCrepes (Feb 15, 2008)

I'm on the fence about how rude this is. I think some of it depends on who you are inviting.

Family and close friends, I don't see it as a problem. Get over it about it's their choice on what to give. It is a cultural norm that people will be bringing gifts. If these people have a history of giving your kid a gift and if you give them gifts, we all know gifts are going to happen. If they're not respecting you on the type of gifts to give, they're being rude to you and you're only trying to do self-defense.

If the invitation recipients are not close--say friends from pre-school, then I think it is rude.

Perhaps take off the "no plastic toys" part.

I like the book theme idea. I recently heard someone does a book exchange so that every child leaves with a new book.

Or, you could decide on a really big gift and ask everyone (that is close or asks) if they would be willing to pitch in. Our close friends told us they were taking up a collection for a laptop for their daughter's high school graduation. They told us via phone rather than on the invitation. We were delighted to give a (large for us) check to help with this. Another party everyone gave the kid a piece of a homemade puzzle. When he got all the puzzle pieces, he found he was getting an expensive electronics something or other.

Or, you can hold off on actually opening the gifts. "We're not playing with anything today because we don't want pieces to get lost in the party commotion." Then you return as much as you can. Or you donate it. Or you let things get played with then donate or throw it away.


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## lexbeach (Mar 6, 2002)

Perhaps this depends partially on where you live. Where we live, it is quite common (I would even say it is the norm) for people to write "no gifts please







" on invitations, and for that to be respected. The only type of "gift" parties that we've been to in the past year have been "exchange" parties (i.e. book exchange, plant exchange, seed exchange). I think the times are a changing, and at least in more progressive areas people are realizing that the tradition of showering children with gifts at birthday parties has to end.

I can see how it's rude to mention anything about gifts, but I think our planet has reached a state of crisis in which being rude is worth it. And I really don't think it's that rude considering that if you don't mention anything, chances are that people will feel obligated to bring a gift. I know that I always feel *relieved* to get a "no gifts, please" invitation.

www.thestoryofstuff.com

Another option, if you feel it's just too rude to say anything, is to forgo the party all together. That's what we did this year (with our five-year-olds). It wasn't so much the gift issue as it was just all the insanity of birthday parties, but it really was quite liberating to just not have a party. We had 3 of the grandparents over, and our very good friends and their two children. Each of my twins had a cake and I made each of their favorite dinners. They had a great time.

Lex


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

For Family only I am very specific: No Plastic, no batteries, no guns. Some of them buy them anyway, but they are returned to a store or donated immediately.

For Friends we do "in lieu of gifts, please bring a dish to share" and do the potluck thing for DS's birthday.

This works for us since we have a small family gathering at home and a big friends potluck out at the park on a different day.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

We just tell/told all our family 'nothing made in china' and that if they really feel like they MUST get/do something for DS to please give checks in his name to be depostied in his college fund. Worked out pretty well. He still got some clothes, books and a couple toys, but mostly he got college-fund money, which is awesome!


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

I just wanted to add a note, since I'm afraid my previous posts might've come off as harsh or judgmental, that I fully understand the quandry the OP finds herself in, and I absolutely respect her desire to express what she feels is healthier choices for her child. And I hope I didn't come off as sounding preachy about my response to avoid any potentially offensive language in the invitation.









----

And while I agree with the PP that it goes beyond one gift and one child, and starts playing into the rampant consumerism of our society, as well as environmental effects, etc. (all very valid points), I still think there needs to be some consideration for the people being invited to share in this celebration.

When my ILs are visiting, they know not to throw cans (or bottles or whatever) into the trash. They learned quickly that I am not above digging through a gross trash bag to retrieve any recyclables. In the middle of the kitchen, with everyone around.









But I don't go to their house and make them feel like crap over not recycling to the extent we do. That is their choice. And to force my personal beliefs (which are very valid) onto them unwarranted would be driving a wedge between my family and theirs, as well as potentially turning them off of a more responsible behavior when it comes to environmental issues.

So while I understand the dilemma of the OP, and the reality of it going beyond just a birthday party invitation issue, I do think that offending people who may not share in a more natural approach to child-rearing is not the best way to help them understand and hopefully be supportive of this lifestyle so many of us here have chosen.

"You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" is very true. And I think it's better to err on the side of being unoffensive than to risk offending people who might otherwise become interested in, or supportive of this lifestyle.

So when my MIL comes to visit, she does notice that my child doesn't have oodles of flashy, plastic toys. She does notice that we recycle. She does notice that we don't have the TV on all the dang time, and so on. There are plenty of things she still doesn't notice, but I know the few times I've been less than cordial about issues with her, it's like taking two steps backward, both in our relationship and in her awareness and acceptance of how we're raising her grandchild. And that makes it even harder to garner her support. I don't need her validation, but I do need her to be respectful of our choices. And forcing them on her, or being rude about them is not the best way to do it. At least not in our family.

Just food for thought.


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## vermontgirl (Aug 15, 2006)

I was just thinking about this today because we decided that we are going to have a second birthday party for our son.

I am going to put something of this nature...

_Harvest does not need anything right now so please dont feel that you have to buy him anything. You could make him a card or some artwork! You could even pick him some flowers from your yard. We are in the process of getting a dressup box together so you could bring old scarves, hats and glasses from the thrift store or gramas closet. We just want to stress that there is no gift expectation...._

It will be much better worded than that but that will be the basic gist. Everyone we will be inviting knows we do not do plastic toys so there shouldnt be a problem.


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vermontgirl* 
I was just thinking about this today because we decided that we are going to have a second birthday party for our son.

I am going to put something of this nature...

_Harvest does not need anything right now so please dont feel that you have to buy him anything. You could make him a card or some artwork! You could even pick him some flowers from your yard. We are in the process of getting a dressup box together so you could bring old scarves, hats and glasses from the thrift store or gramas closet. We just want to stress that there is no gift expectation...._

It will be much better worded than that but that will be the basic gist. Everyone we will be inviting knows we do not do plastic toys so there shouldnt be a problem.

Honestly, if I got something like that, I'd be fine with it. Some people might not be, but if you're focusing on the theme of the party being "creativity" or "recycling" or something, I think that kind of sentiment would be fine. I like it.







And it's a right clever idea!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

The Miss Manners (from one of her books) solution to this is what some others have suggested, a "book party." This means you send out invitations with pictures of children's book characters, call it a "book-themed" birthday party (or a particular book), etc. Word the invitation something cutesy like "come be a character in our birthday story." Maybe include a photo of the birthday child reading in the invite-- you get the idea. People will get the hint. If they don't get the hint, those are the same people who would ignore an outright "no plastic" request anyway.


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## JustVanessa (Sep 7, 2005)

An idea to get around it is have a party that sponsers your favourite charity.
You can put in lieu of gifts, please bring a small donation of cash, dog/cat food, blankets or other pet supplies to be donated to the local animal shelter. We are choosing to sponser them with this party.

Then you don't have to ask for cash (some people don't like this, myself included) but they can bring supplies to be donated. Then you and your dc can take the stuff in together.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

You can also do something like:
"instead of gifts, please bring a pantry item for local food bank".
There is probably a better way to phrase that.


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## mamavegan (Nov 30, 2006)

Does your family come to your home often? Let them buy what they want. When they visit and see that it isn't there, maybe they will try to find things that better suit your family next time. Everything that DS gets given that is plastic gets donated or returned. We do have 2 plastic toys, but everything else is made of natural materials.


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## robertandenith (Apr 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyHawk* 
"If you would like to get DD a gift, she is looking forward to reading some new books and wearing spring dresses. And she loves any music she can dance to







Please no plastic toys."

very well worded.... also you could note that they could all be recycled books then put a environmental friendly clipart on the invite. I would NOT be offended at all, probably because I love so much my planet lol! dunno....

I don't know but in my country it is always expected to GIVE something, besides they are organizing a party and spending $ on it for us to go and eat lol!!!!! Even if you don't go but they have invited you, you send a gift as a thank u for the invite. It is just a different culture I guess...


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## nubianamy (Jul 6, 2005)

I don't think it's rude. It's not Miss Manners perfect, but that's OK too.

We did a "no gifts" party for my two year old a few weeks ago. We made streamers from straws & paper streamers, danced to music, played with balloons, colored pictures, played a guessing game, ate cake & ice cream, and played with homemade play-dough (which the kids could take home). It was delightful. Only one person brought a gift, a coloring book & crayons (I thanked the mom politely and made it disappear); some brought cards. I had several parents thank me for not making the party about getting stuff.







Oh, did I mention, we had 40 people?? I think it was a success.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

OP, it doesn't really sound like your family is listening anyway. I would probably just send normal invitations and talk to those close to you to let them know, again. If you are going to get rid of plastic toys given to her, might want to tell them that, too.

Although I don't have the problem you are having (my MIL gives us clothes that work for the next year, b/c my hubby was a "husky" kid and she can't get used the idea that his son is trim, my family sends nothing, my friends get simple and sweet gifts if they bring a gift at all), we just don't enjoy the parties anymore.

So this year we're visiting my brother and his wife in San Diego (their gift is one plane ticket and one airfare voucher that was about to expire) and we'll spend his actual b'day (and 3 days after) at Disneyland, doing just what he wants to do (breakfast with princesses is number one).

Next year, and my hubby doesn't know this yet, I'm planning on a small cruise for his b'day. (we love disneyland but don't have to ALWAYS go there, LOL) We would go camping but his b'day is always going to be around memorial day weekend and I have NO interest in such crowded campgrounds!

It just seems like much more fun than having the stress of people coming over, dealing with gifts that won't be used, cooking, cleaning, etc etc etc.

So that's the way out that we have chosen.









(although we have also let everyone but the parents (MIL wouldn't go anyway, and my brother won't be around our father so dad can't be invited) know that they can come join us, if they choose!)


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

If I was taking my son do a child's party, I would very much appreciate knowing which gifts would be well-recieved and which would end up donated/trashed. It's waaaay more rude and offensive, IMO, to get rid of a gift than to express your preferences in advance.

For the OP, though, I'm pretty sure that no matter what you put on the invitation you're going to get exactly what you have been in the past, so I wouldn't bother







Unless you for the theme party, that might work


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## yoginisarah (Dec 20, 2007)

I think the only polite way to avoid this is to not have a party. Maybe take her to a favorite place for the day and skip the party all together. Otherwise, I don't think it is appropriate to mention gifts (although the book themed party was a good idea!). I cringe each time my parents send a beepy plastic toy in the mail for Oliver but they're doing it because they saw it and thought he would get joy from it. I say 'thank you' and help them pick out gifts he would like for big events like birthdays. If you think a particular toy is dangerous for your child for whatever reason then just give it away after the party.


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## Mihelinka (Nov 2, 2004)

sounds perfect for your invite. i might only add, perhaps you could register somewhere for music, wood toys etc?


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

IMNSHO, yes it's extremely rude. I know you didn't mean for it to come off and are only trying to help your guests find appropriate toys for those who choose to bring one, but proper etiquette states that you can not tell your guests what they can or cannot bring.

Also, i don't think your family will listen. If telling them in person didn't give them a big enough hint, then they can easily say they didn't see it on the invite, etc. Written word is much less personal, kwim?

I'd talk to them the same way you talk to your children (assuming you follow GD and the like). Don't set them up to fail, or tell them what they can't buy, set them up to win and tell them what they can (very broadly). Instead of saying 'no plastic toys', say something to the effect of 'dc loves toys from (insert store here)'. I don't think most mainstream people even know where to look for non-plastic toys. Just make sure whatever you recommend will fit your guests budget, can buy something in store if you know they're not online shoppers, etc.

I agree that if you have a themed party, it will guide the guests on what to bring. Do a bratz theme, and you're guaranteed to get a million trashy dolls, do a book theme and you'll probably get lots of books, or perhaps gc to barnes and noble, etc.

I know for my family, all I have to do is say we got dc x, y, and z and really tried to avoid noisy toys or ones with a million pieces (plastic ones always have a million pieces). Lo and behold, they go mostly wooden toys though I never mentioned a thing about no plastic. Also, my family is pretty nostalgic, so I steer them towards classic toys that they probably loved as a child and they're thrilled to find out xyz is still being made. All the while they don't feel like I am telling them what they can and cannot buy.

Il's OTOH are a lost cause and I've just sort of learned to accept it. MIL always wants to buy the 'cool' toy so I'm sure we'll end up with a Barbie Jeep powerwheel and a bratz doll sooner or later. So, I have to compromise. Yes, to the jeep, no.way.in.hell for bratz anything. Hopefully they'll be a thing of the past by the time my kids are old enough.


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## coobabysmom (Nov 16, 2005)

I haven't read all of the posts, so I'll probably regret my post









Your plan is to send the invite to your family but your family has already ignored your past requests for no plastic. What makes you think they will listen now? Save your self the worry and either return the plastic to the store or donate to charity.

ETA: While it's unconventional to provide present guidelines on an invitation, I wouldn't be offended if I recieved such an invite. But that's me


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

oooh, I really like the "Creative Recycling" party theme!!!

something about bringing something, like a favorite hat, dress, book, or whatever that can be reused... I know I'd get some odd things, but it would be fun!









now...how to word it...


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I think maybe this tradition is outdated.

Clearly when "we" receive an invitation we would not be offended if the party host mention what gifts, if any are purchased, would be best, and in fact we would be appreciative of this gesture so we wouldn't waste our time purchasing a gift that would not be used by the receiver.

So, why are we still saying it is rude to put this on an invite?

Doesn't make sense.

To me it isn't a social norm when people are not agreeing with it.

Time for change people.


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## coobabysmom (Nov 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I think maybe this tradition is outdated.

Clearly when "we" receive an invitation we would not be offended if the party host mention what gifts, if any are purchased, would be best, and in fact we would be appreciative of this gesture so we wouldn't waste our time purchasing a gift that would not be used by the receiver.

So, why are we still saying it is rude to put this on an invite?

Doesn't make sense.

To me it isn't a social norm when people are not agreeing with it.

Time for change people.

Right on. I think it's outdated too.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Well, I'm with those who think specifying what gifts to bring is rude. Gifts are not an obligation, as PP's have said. I really don't like the general trend these days that people feel _owed_ gifts (OP - not directed at you, more so at things like, "give us lots of cash for our honeymoon, please").

I certainly sympathize with the OP, but I look at birthdays as a good chance for my daughter to learn to accept gifts with good grace (whether you really want them or not) and with thanks for someone's generosity.


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## claras_mom (Apr 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I think maybe this tradition is outdated.

Clearly when "we" receive an invitation we would not be offended if the party host mention what gifts, if any are purchased, would be best, and in fact we would be appreciative of this gesture so we wouldn't waste our time purchasing a gift that would not be used by the receiver.

So, why are we still saying it is rude to put this on an invite?

Doesn't make sense.

To me it isn't a social norm when people are not agreeing with it.

Time for change people.

While I wouldn't waste energy being offended, I would still find it rude, for the reasons already stated. Invitations are no place for directions about gift-giving, because it assumes an obligation to provide a gift when there is, in fact, no obligation to give a gift.

Not for weddings, birthdays, anniversaries...none of it.

What one puts in separate communications to friends and family is another thing entirely. Whether or not that strategy works depends entirely upon the personalities involved.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Just wanted to elaborate on one thing - one reason I don't like things like this is because, to me, it takes away a lot of the joy of giving a gift. I spend time and thought coming up with gifts that I hope people I love will enjoy. If someone simply says, "I want this," then a lot of the joy of giving is taken away, because their is no thought in that gift - I might as well give them cash and be done with it.

I don't see gift giving as purely for the recipient - I see it as a social custom that brings joy to both people and shows love. I think asking for specific things takes away from that.


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## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

I suppose location may have something to do with it. I live in an area where such things are still considered to be quite rude. The act of including on an invitation specifically which gifts are and are not allowed would be like inviting someone to your house for dinner, then telling them how much the groceries cost, and asking them to pay you for their portion.

It's just not kind. And since giving a gift is a kindness, I think it should be treated as such, even if the gift is not in accordance with what you wanted. We received several gifts for our wedding that were not on our registry and were quite awful, really, but I still thanked the givers kindly, and accepted the gifts in the spirit in which they were given.

While I agree that some traditions are outdated, I think instructing people on an invitation to a party, regarding what they can and cannot bring as a gift (when the act of bringing a gift should not be a requirement to begin with) is not at all courteous.

I still think being polite is always better than being offensive when it comes to inviting people to an event you're hosting, regardless of the occasion.


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I think maybe this tradition is outdated.

Clearly when "we" receive an invitation we would not be offended if the party host mention what gifts, if any are purchased, would be best, and in fact we would be appreciative of this gesture so we wouldn't waste our time purchasing a gift that would not be used by the receiver.

So, why are we still saying it is rude to put this on an invite?

Doesn't make sense.

To me it isn't a social norm when people are not agreeing with it.

Time for change people.









: If you're close enough to these people to invite them into your home to celebrate this milestone in your child's life, they're close enough to you to respect your wishes and at least try to understand where you're coming from. I would totally send the invite that says "No plastic, please." If people don't like it, maybe they don't need to come and maybe they don't need to be a part of your family celebrations in general. I think it all depends on how important preserving your family culture (no plastic, no characters, wooden toys, no tv, no McDonald's--whatever it is) is to you, and only you can decide that. Good luck and let us know what you end up doing!


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

In the approximately 10 years I've been at MDC, including a number of years that I served as a moderator, this conversation has come and gone hundreds and hundreds of times. I have never once seen any level of consensus, and there are always a lot of people who have very strong opinions on both sides of the fence.

The rules of ettiquette generally dicate that no mention of gifts is made on any invitation, thus there is a good chance you will be perceived as rude by some or by many if you take this course of action. On the other hand, most of us live our lives only loosely by rules of ettiquette (Miss Manners calls this a travesty and lack of decency), so chances are that many people would not be bothered by a polite mention of gifts on an invitation.

I for one have been known to take nearly all aproaches. I've said, "your gift is your presence" in an effort to avoid gifts so that we can avoid receiving gifts from people we *know* will give gifts way out of alignment with our values. I've suggested folks bring a favorite book from their childhood (in that case I was inviting only very close friends and family). I've also been known to have a book party (which actually was dfd's totally independent idea) which encouraged the giving of books. And I've been known as well to ignore the issues, be gracious, and grin and bear some gifts that I wasn't particularly happy about (the worst being a scented stuffed animal for my ds who all of our loved ones KNOW has asthma that is triggered in part by scented products).

I think you've just got to decide what feels comfortable to you, and realize that if you mention gifts, you are going to likely offend somebody. Your dilemma won't be solved here on MDC because this is a hot button issue. That said, I am personally not a fan of your suggested original wording. It reads like a registry, and as liberal and accepting as I can be about breaking rules of ettiquette (and as much as I have done so myself), that crosses my own line of comfort. I personally think if you are going to break the rules of ettiquette and mention gifts, the less said the better...even if it means you specify no gifts or a suggestion to donate food or something in lieu of gifts.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

I think the way you worded it sounds fine. (going back to the OP)

I love the idea of doing a themed party for this reason...My dd is having a garden party. She is planning a garden and so the idea is people are bringing her garden supplies such as seeds, watering can, gloves, etc.

The kids can plant something in a small pot as an activity...she gets nice gifts that are affordable to others and not clutter-causing in the house.


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## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nighten* 
Personally, I think it's rude to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. I wish it weren't so, since I too would want to minimize the unacceptable gifts given to my child at a party for her, but where I live it's very poor form to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. The exception being shower invitations, where I think it's okay for registry information (the store name) to be included.

I agree. Except that I think it's rude on a shower invitation, too.

I know where you're coming from. I'm sick of all the plastic stuff, too. If people ask what to get, I suggest art supplies, clothes and, like you said, music. I think it's up to people to ask and not for them to be told what to bring.


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## tankgirl73 (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:

If I was taking my son do a child's party, I would very much appreciate knowing which gifts would be well-recieved and which would end up donated/trashed. It's waaaay more rude and offensive, IMO, to get rid of a gift than to express your preferences in advance.
I agree with this. It turns into a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't issue of course. But if the idea in not instructing the gift-givers is to respect the thought and care they put into selecting the gift... then how is turning around and shelving or donating that gift showing that respect?

If you were a gift-giver, would you be happy knowing that the gift you gave was unwanted, given away, even hated? Would that be honouring your time and thought and care?

I would agree that saying things like "nothing under $100" or "we want trucks" would be crossing the line. But asking them to respect boundaries of things you do NOT allow in your house, in general terms, would be fine to me.

It's tricky to word it nicely, I agree with that. It's still a thorny issue. But I agree with the pp that it's more rude to ditch the unwanted toys.

And what about the feelings of the birthday kid, too? How does that make them feel when half of THEIR birthday presents get junked or given away? It certainly wouldn't seem fair to them, I bet, and they'd be horribly disappointed. C'est la vie and there's probably a lesson in there for them, it could be argued... but it's another part of the equation to consider that I haven't seen mentioned here at all.


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## BethSLP (Mar 27, 2005)

I agree with posters who think its rude. I don't like it on shower invitations either. And I think its ABSURD that people register for kids' birthday parties nowadays.

My DD is having her party at the end of the month. I've had two friends ask me for gift suggestions, and I happily share when they ask.

But I can say without hesitation that as an invited guest, I like to choose a fun present (like the poster said about the joy in it). If I am stumped, I ask the parent. But it feels very off putting when someone tells you what to buy.

Lastly, I'm not sure if any of you have come across this new trend, but at baby and bridal showers now, I'm being asked to address the envelope for my own thank you card! I find this most insulting of all. Like you can't take the time to address the envelope yourself?? I totally understand in the days of email that some may not have updated snail mail addresses, but a guest book for people to write their address seems to be a good solution to this.

When I was thrown a baby shower by my former classmates, they did this for me. I hand wrote new ones. I just think its crazy to have people address their own thank you note. What's next? Want me to write a note to myself about how much you like my gift??

XOXO
B


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BethSLP* 
But I can say without hesitation that as an invited guest, I like to choose a fun present (like the poster said about the joy in it). If I am stumped, I ask the parent. But it feels very off putting when someone tells you what to buy.

But are they really telling you what to buy, or just asking you to *not buy* gifts from one small segment of all the possible toy ideas out there? "No plastic" still leaves lots of room for thoughtful, creative gifts, IMO.
Sure, it eliminates the easy way, but there are still many, many options out there.


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## sunnymw (Feb 28, 2007)

http://bp2.blogger.com/_sNDH5HzXLlQ/...0-h/invit2.bmp
This was our invitation for DS1's first birthday party. In case you need more ideas. Feel free to take it and cut/paste your own info in it if you like it.


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## aja-belly (Oct 7, 2004)

we went to a b-day party that said something like "no gifts are necessary, but if you would like to bring a new unopened toy, we will be collecting for **** charity" or something like that. it went over very well. we have also had requests for pet chow in liue of gifts for the child to bring to the animal shelter (he was really into animals).


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Well, I've lived and learned.







I'll share so that you can too.

I don't find it rude at all to direct people to the things that we will keep, get use out of, and actually have last a while. I'm looking for toys that will survive both my boys. Plastic crap is not going to do that, so I simply don't have it around. Before I had kids I thought that plastic was tacky and ugly, so I didn't buy it. After I had kids I learned that it is also toxic and worthless as far as durability goes... So I still don't buy it. Our families all know this. I'm quite outspoken when it comes to my feelings about everything. Toys are no exception.

This Christmas I took the time to make a lovely little registry and I emailed our family members. I showed examples of things that would be good for DS1 (we didn't know the sex of the baby) and that would last through both kids. I gave DS1's size, let them know what we needed for the baby, and sent some pictures of our family. My ILs were offended that I would ask that they not purchase the plastic toys. They bought him battery operated junk anyway and they continue to buy him junk. I'm now wondering if they *want* my kids to have a seizure...









So.. At this point I don't say anything. I let them buy whatever battery operated toxic piece of blinking plastic crap that they want. I then take it back to the store and exchange it, or sell it on Craigslist or at a yard sale, or donate it if I can't do any of that. If I did get money out of it I spend that amount on something worthwhile for my boys to play with. When they come to my house and see that it's gone or put away they see that I'm not playing a game here. It's my way or the highway, baby. I'm not joking around.

Some may say that it's rude for me to sell the gifts that they give my kids. I say it's rude to blatantly ignore what they *know* that DH and I are requesting. If they can't respect our wishes when it comes to our children's health (yes, they know that the toxic plastics pose a health risk and have been banned in several countries and states) then too freaking bad.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

when our DS was little he went to a party that was a gift exchange.

I am sure all of us would agree that the goodies bags have gotten way out of hand and are full of junk anyway ... and way to costly... so this clever mom did the following:


> she sent out a party invitation and made it clear that it would be a "gift exchange Book Party" .. and she asked everyone to purchase and wrap up a book. During the party a game was played that required everyone to exchange gifts.
> 
> the long and the short of it is -- everyone left with a great children's book and the mom did not need to put money out for goody bags... nor did she end up with a bunch of toys her dc didn't want.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *robertandenith* 
I don't know but in my country it is always expected to GIVE something, besides they are organizing a party and spending $ on it for us to go and eat lol!!!!! Even if you don't go but they have invited you, you send a gift as a thank u for the invite. It is just a different culture I guess...

Haven't read past this post, but I had to comment... I can't figure out why people are saying things like "they didn't have to bring a gift at all, so just be grateful" and "it's a gesture of kindness and generosity"... OK, it is kind and generous but it is still kind of required! I know I feel like I have to bring a gift to a child's birthday party. Talk about social faux pas - I would be some kind of an a$$h*** if I showed up at a kid's birthday party empty handed.

So, personally I have no problem with the parameters, I appreciate them even, and I think it's weird that someone would be offended by it. Why is it OK to register for weddings, showers, etc. but you can't even suggest loose boundaries for birthday parties?


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## Septagram (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd* 
Why is it OK to register for weddings, showers, etc. but you can't even suggest loose boundaries for birthday parties?

*THANK YOU. My thoughts exactly.*


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## babygrace (Aug 23, 2006)

maybe because events like weddings and baby showers are not (usually) yearly occurrences. also, it's more likely that there will be multiple birthday parties to attend in a year than the above two events.


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## katec67 (Oct 24, 2005)

I really admire you for tackling this issue instead of ignoring it. My DD just had her second b-day and I didn't put anything on the invitation about gifts because I thought at the time that I really had no control over what people give my children. Then a few weeks ago I read an article about plastic waste that has forever changed my thinking and the way I live my life. I decided that I have a right and an obligation to stop the incessant stream of battery-operated plastic [email protected] that was filtering into my home.

I am going to copy this article for all of my family/friends, along with a note politely requesting no more plastic anything in the future. It may be rude, it may be presumptuous. I don't care. I can't sit back and silently condone the destruction of our planet anymore. I want a healthy planet to pass on to my kids and their kids, etc.

http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/pu...c_are_we.shtml


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## Pernillep (Jan 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?

Yes. I completely agree with the question. I don't get why it is rude and never did. Honestly I would rather have people tell me what they want to I spend my money on something that will make them happy. For a little one that means making the parents happy in addition to the child.

I guess we are a rude family. I always tell everyone what we want. Luckily everyone is fine with it as far as I know and if they are not I really don't care. They don't have to buy anything if they don't want to.

So to the OP: I think you are being very polite in your request as long as you know they won't all adhere to it. At least you are trying.


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyHawk* 
"If you would like to get DD a gift, she is looking forward to reading some new books and wearing spring dresses. And she loves any music she can dance to







Please no plastic toys."

Does that sound horrible? Could it be improved upon? WWYD?


I actually think that is okay. I personally like to know what the child's likes are, so I have some clue what to get them, otherwise I'm totally clueless. I would delete the part about "please no plastic toys" and just focus on what your child LIKES instead of dislikes. I think most people will buy books and clothes and you can just give away any plastic toys to charity.


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nubianamy* 
I don't think it's rude. It's not Miss Manners perfect, but that's OK too.

We did a "no gifts" party for my two year old a few weeks ago. We made streamers from straws & paper streamers, danced to music, played with balloons, colored pictures, played a guessing game, ate cake & ice cream, and played with homemade play-dough (which the kids could take home). It was delightful. Only one person brought a gift, a coloring book & crayons (I thanked the mom politely and made it disappear); some brought cards. I had several parents thank me for not making the party about getting stuff.







Oh, did I mention, we had 40 people?? I think it was a success.

brilliant


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## MommyHawk (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katec67* 
I am going to copy this article for all of my family/friends, along with a note politely requesting no more plastic anything in the future. It may be rude, it may be presumptuous. I don't care. I can't sit back and silently condone the destruction of our planet anymore. I want a healthy planet to pass on to my kids and their kids, etc.

http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/pu...c_are_we.shtml

AMEN!!!!! Preach it sister!!!


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

I'm not sure if it is rude or not to specify gifts on the invite, BUT this thread shows that some people would be very offended, some would care less and some would be happy to know what direction to go in as far as gifts are concerned. BUT for me, no plastic is too vague. I can think of about 10 plastic toys that I wouldn't be able to find a wooden replacement for, mostly outdoor toys, but maybe I am just not thinking hard enough (we are not anti plastic). Things like bubbles (in a plastic bottle), sand toys, water toys, a baby pool, markers, paint (once again in a plastic bottle). I think "no plastic" would really, really confuse some mainstream folk.


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

I really don't think it matters how it's worded - people will be offended or at least put off by it. I've thought about doing it but someone in our family beat us to the punch and it didn't go over too well.

In her case, it wasn't a birthday invite, it was just a family-wide mass email that stated that her newborn son had more than enough stuffed animals (she referred to them as "dust collectors") and in lieu of gifts that would clutter his room, she would like diapers (sizes 3 and up) and clothes that he would grow into. Many people in the family were put off by it.

Stating no plastic on an invitation may be just as off putting, but letting people know by word of mouth might be a better plan. Enlist the help of a few family members to spread the word. Good luck!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
In her case, it wasn't a birthday invite, it was just a family-wide mass email that stated that her newborn son had more than enough stuffed animals (she referred to them as "dust collectors") and in lieu of gifts that would clutter his room, she would like diapers (sizes 3 and up) and clothes that he would grow into. Many people in the family were put off by it.
!

Eek, I hope that no one in the family was the gifter of any of those dust collectors.

Totally OT, but I'm happy to say that those stuffed animals I once thought useless, now entertain a busy 3yo to no end.


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## sweetirishCT (Oct 5, 2005)

(disclaimer: I gave up reading the thread on page 3...)

So I like the idea of having a themed party, and DD's birthday is end of April. So, what ideas have you all for outdoor type stuff? I want to get her out and active more this year, and she needs outside toys. Even camping, beach stuff, etc. So what type of 'themed' party do I plan?
Also to note: last year we held her party at the local state forest, and it went off wonderfully! there was a ton of room for the kids to run around and the weather was just a little chilly (light jacket type...)
Anywho, I am afraid that if I theme the party just 'outdoors' then guests will assume that it is only because we are holding it there again (which I hope to do, weather permitting...) and not get the hint about outside toys...

Ideas, mamas?


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## sweetirishCT (Oct 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katec67* 
I really admire you for tackling this issue instead of ignoring it. My DD just had her second b-day and I didn't put anything on the invitation about gifts because I thought at the time that I really had no control over what people give my children. Then a few weeks ago I read an article about plastic waste that has forever changed my thinking and the way I live my life. I decided that I have a right and an obligation to stop the incessant stream of battery-operated plastic [email protected] that was filtering into my home.

I am going to copy this article for all of my family/friends, along with a note politely requesting no more plastic anything in the future. It may be rude, it may be presumptuous. I don't care. I can't sit back and silently condone the destruction of our planet anymore. I want a healthy planet to pass on to my kids and their kids, etc.

http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/pu...c_are_we.shtml


YIKES!! that is a creepy article, I guess I never thought of plastic like that. and I thought that recycling was a good alternative, but now I will be making more of an effort to avoid plastic altogether....
man, this is gonna be really hard...
thanks for the link though!


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## spearso (Nov 4, 2003)

http://www.echoage.com/

I think this is a neat idea, and we'll try it for the next b-day in our house. We went to a party in the fall where parents asked for no gifts, so we didn't bring a gift, and we were the only ppl that actually came without a gift... so I called DH to get him to buy a quick gift, so my daughter wouldn't feel left out when the b-day girl was opening gifts. We used to do no gifts at our parties (and pp listened, but they were our friends, ppl of a similar mindset, I guess), but once DD was in school, and went to other kids' parties, she felt left out ("How come everybody else gets gifts?"). I think echoage is a nice compromise b/c you give $$$ to charity, and your child gets what they want/need.

susie


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetirishCT* 
(disclaimer: I gave up reading the thread on page 3...)

So I like the idea of having a themed party, and DD's birthday is end of April. So, what ideas have you all for outdoor type stuff? I want to get her out and active more this year, and she needs outside toys. Even camping, beach stuff, etc. So what type of 'themed' party do I plan?
Also to note: last year we held her party at the local state forest, and it went off wonderfully! there was a ton of room for the kids to run around and the weather was just a little chilly (light jacket type...)
Anywho, I am afraid that if I theme the party just 'outdoors' then guests will assume that it is only because we are holding it there again (which I hope to do, weather permitting...) and not get the hint about outside toys...

Ideas, mamas?

Well, you could have a Spring is Here theme.
Or you could just not worry about the presents.


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## sweetirishCT (Oct 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
Well, you could have a Spring is Here theme.
Or you could just not worry about the presents.

Well, if you knew me, you would know that there is no way for me to *not* worry about anything...







lol
I like the idea about a spring is here theme, that would also make the 'character' birthday easier to avoid...


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd* 
Why is it OK to register for weddings, showers, etc. but you can't even suggest loose boundaries for birthday parties?

Actually, if you are an etiquette "stickler"--which I don't think applies to anyone on this board--registries of any kind are not really polite. I know--it is crazy, and everyone we know here in the US registers, but the "gift registry" is a fairly modern invention of the last 30 years created by department stores in order to market products to us.









I understand the OP's motivation, and sympathize as a parent. I think that books and blocks invitation up thread is a sweet way to get around plastic. But I would probably just not worry about--it is too much energy to try to control other people, in my experience. Better to return and build up a credit at Toys R Us for a swing set or something you really want.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nighten* 
Personally, I think it's rude to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. I wish it weren't so, since I too would want to minimize the unacceptable gifts given to my child at a party for her, but where I live it's very poor form to tell people what they can and cannot buy on an invitation. The exception being shower invitations, where I think it's okay for registry information (the store name) to be included.

I wish there were a way to put a creative comment on the invitation about the types of presents you prefer for your child, but I'm just not sure that's possible without coming off as greedy or offending people.







UNLESS you made it a themed party. Like a "Bookfest" or something, in which case you'd hopefully get just books.







Something like, "Come celebrate our birthday with a bookfest! Because we're turning (whatever age) and we love you and we love books! So bring yourself, bring a book, bring a book about yourself!" or something silly like that?

I would NOT put a restriction on things for them to bring, nor a disclaimer on what's not allowed. But I think having a definite theme to the party could help steer people in the right direction.

Bottom line, people will buy what they want to buy. Your ILs (and mine) are a classic example of this. The big problem as I see it is that at a party, your daughter will be opening the presents and you won't get a chance to censor some things out ahead of time. So having a theme that strongly hints at the type of presents you're wanting them to bring, might be the best way to approach it without offending people.

Good luck!

ETA: I like the "Toybox is full, no toys please" suggestion.

I agree with this. Could be regional as I'm from KY and I see nighten lives in TN. I think the "book theme" or "art theme" is great and will limit the number of toys your child gets. However, no matter how much you dislike plastic toys (and DH and I do, too), accepting gifts graciously is an important lesson. They can later be given to those who have nothing.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

A few nights ago we were at a friends. This friend made Reuben sandwiches for lunch for us. She knew Kailey wouldn't like them so bought her boneless chicken smothered in barbeque sauce. Kailey did not like these things, she took a bite, but didn't eat anymore.

This friend got upset that she wasted money. She didn't as what Kailey wanted and we didn't know ahead of time what she would be making for lunch. Before she has always made great food that Kailey would like so we didn't know to bring food from home.

I wouldn't force her to eat anything she didn't like, but she felt bad just the same becuase she overheard my friend mention money while we were in the kitchen.

No, I did not offer to reimburse my friend as this was something she purchased without having asked ahead of time.

I guess I am just rude then, and continue to happily be. The planet is FAR more important that shallow friendships (and if people are this concerned with etiquette than with people then they are indeed shallow) and I prefer to be among a few good friends than many useess ones.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
A few nights ago we were at a friends. This friend made Reuben sandwiches for lunch for us. She knew Kailey wouldn't like them so bought her boneless chicken smothered in barbeque sauce. Kailey did not like these things, she took a bite, but didn't eat anymore.

This friend got upset that she wasted money. She didn't as what Kailey wanted and we didn't know ahead of time what she would be making for lunch. Before she has always made great food that Kailey would like so we didn't know to bring food from home.

I wouldn't force her to eat anything she didn't like, but she felt bad just the same becuase she overheard my friend mention money while we were in the kitchen.

No, I did not offer to reimburse my friend as this was something she purchased without having asked ahead of time.

I guess I am just rude then, and continue to happily be. The planet is FAR more important that shallow friendships (and if people are this concerned with etiquette than with people then they are indeed shallow) and I prefer to be among a few good friends than many useess ones.


I don't think it's the same kind of situation, and I don't think it was very nice of her to show displeasure that your child didn't want the food. That seems like a very uncomfortable situation, and not a nice way to treat a guest









FWIW, among my Mom friends, we dont' have a problem telling each other not to bring gifts. But eventually, it will not be about my friendships with the parents, it will be about who ds wants invited to his party. And if I am not that well-acquainted with certain parents in a playgroup or preschool, I would not feel comfortable putting down a toy requirement on an invitation. And I don't generally find people "useless".

Maybe this really just depends on the situation, where you live, and who you have invited.

And seriously, I'll say it again -- children living in a domestic violence shelter would benefit from a toy donation!!


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

No. I didn't say people were useless. But relationship where you cannot be yourself and honest are useless.

And I would feel comfortable and do saying NO PLASTIC. I mean how can people care more about social niceties than our planet, that just doesn't make sense.

We can talk to moms about breastfeeding over formula, but not about plastic- weird.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Just a question, because I come across this a lot...why exactly is it rude?

Is it not rude for others to tell you what will come in and out of your house?

It's rude because it's saying that you are expecting gifts. Gifts are NEVER to be suspected or solicited. Parties are for the benefit of the guests.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Oh, this is where the confusion on my part comes in.

For us and my family and friends, parties are for the birthday person, not for the guests. Guests are being invited to share in the joy of celebrating a birth.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

ok my first reaction is that it is rude. But then I read what you wrote and I dont think its all that bad. But I am sure some people will think its rude. I probably would not write that, I would just let people know by word of mouth, and if I got junk I would donate it. jmo


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

Don't call it a birthday party. Birthday parties mean gifts. If it isn't a birthday party no gifts. Address an invitation to the child asking them over.

Now this is more difficult with family. They all know exactly when birthday are. Fortunately, my family and my in-laws have wish lists on Amazon and exchange emails of gift suggestions around the holidays. It felt weird at first but we've gotten used to it. We've also started drawing names in the middle generation. Still, everyone is expected to get all the kids something. (I wouldn't direct a friend to these online wish lists.)

First of all, I practice it. I usually get the nieces and nephews books and clothes not toys. This past Christmas we got everyone a Zoo Parent membership which went over really well. My niece really did get a hippopotamus for Christmas. How cool is that?

Family mostly got the idea of what to give my DD. My mom and I had a run in over the gift of a stroller. The compromise was for the stroller (a plastic princess stroller that had to be repaired almost instantly blech) to live at my mom's house. That, I was asked about ahead of time and even though I vetoed it, it was given anyway. It's difficult to take something away from a delighted 2 year old. My plan for the future is to accept gifts graciously and deal with them on a case by case basis. Gifts will not be opened at parties.

I've had very few opportunities to go to a non-family children's parties. The one that said "no gifts please" still resulted in a pile of gifts. (I gave her a Sea Otter through the Zoo Parents.) I admit that it gets my hackles up and into contrary mode when I see a mention of a gift on anything but a bridal or wedding shower.

I've not had a friend birthday party for DD yet since she is only two. I think what I might do is have a party in June (DD's birthday is right after Christmas). Maybe we'll call it an adoption day celebration or just a shindig or a tea party. I'd hate to give up community building social gatherings because of stuff.

Masel


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## Telle Bear (Jul 28, 2006)

we have a very busy toddler and we like to get out and do things. I always suggest gift certificates to....rumble tumble, the childrens museum etc...


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I'd hate to think that community social building only happens at birthday parties- wow.

Communities are built through daily interactions, not a one time a year birthday.


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

True but that was in response to the person who said just don't have a party.


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## ErinBird (Dec 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joy2grow* 
To me the themed party is the only acceptable way to steer gift giving, anything else will come across as rude. I struggled a lot with this issue for dd's birthday and Christmas so I understand how you feel. Even with obvious preferences stated in one-on-one conversations people got dd what they wanted to give. I say just expect to donate what does not suit your family, it will make some other kid super happy when their dp finds the latest gizmo at the thrift store









IAWTC 100%


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

This whole gifting business has become so fraught these days! People getting miffed at what they receive and people not putting enough thought behind what they gift. Personally, I think it is in poor taste to dictate terms for gifts. With close family and friends I may feel free enough to suggest ideas but otherwise, no. I don't know what they are comfortable spending, if they already have a gift to recycle







, etc, etc.

Activism has a place, certainly. But a birthday is not the time for it. People who know your views on these things but still choose to gift inappropriately....







, what can you say. It's the thought that counts and they clearly could have done some more thinking!


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

What about me? I have MCS an so certain things (including children's items) CANNOT be brought into our home. How would I phrase THAT on an invitation? For me this can be an issue of life or death.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Earthmama, you'll just have to get over it, ya know, for the sake of social community building


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## petra_william (Nov 28, 2007)

i totally know where your coming from with this. for christmas i gave my nephnew a fairtrade bongo drum ... you know what my sis got my lo for his birthday in feb? a revolving plastic light - up drum... i though "NOOO" but how do you tell your sister you dont like the present she got? i cant let it dissapear soon cos shel notice.
so saying something in the invitation about what kind of toys youd like would maybe be a good idea imo.


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## onyxravnos (Dec 30, 2006)

I don't know why but my please no plastic mantra has caused the most uproar with family and friends...







I don't know why it's so confusing to people... i've started suggesting toys or company's that i know make natural toys.

I put please no plastic toys here is a list of suggestions if you would like to bring a gift and then send them to the threesisters website or something...

ps if i do get plastic junk toys i either return them to the store for credit if i can OR i take them down to the womens shelter or salvation army.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
What about me? I have MCS an so certain things (including children's items) CANNOT be brought into our home. How would I phrase THAT on an invitation? For me this can be an issue of life or death.


I don't know what MCS is, but this is obviously a completely different circumstance.
It sounds hard


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

****


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## twogreencars (Oct 24, 2006)

We did the same thing for DD's 1st birthday - we said DD did not need anything, but if people wanted they were welcome to bring their favourite children's book (and they all did). No plastic.


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## mirandahope (Nov 10, 2005)

I think it is an awesome idea. I think one day it won't be so weird/ new/ unusual a request as it is now.
I can tell some family members and friends this line and have them respect it; not others. Will the ones who don't mind if you give the plastic away should they bring it?


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Earthmama, you'll just have to get over it, ya know, for the sake of social community building









I don't know exactly how to take your post...But MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity) is not something I can just "get over"

I was just trying to point out that while special requests might seem "rude" on the surface they are often good reasons for them. Around here no one would bat an eyelash at the OP's invitation anyway.

I do think it may depend on where you live how people would react to such an invitation. I just try not to judge and just remember that there is usually a good reason when someone makes a request that seems odd to me. Especially a request that seems "rude" , since most people do not set out to offend others.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
I was just trying to point out that while special requests might seem "rude" on the surface they are often good reasons for them. Around here no one would bat an eyelash at the OP's invitation anyway.

I do think it may depend on where you live how people would react to such an invitation. I just try not to judge and just remember that there is usually a good reason when someone makes a request that seems odd to me. Especially a request that seems "rude" , since most people do not set out to offend others.










I understand what you are saying, and for the record I really don't judge others for it either. It is just something *I* would not feel comfortable doing.
For instance, I had no problem with the invite that requested a donation be made to a birth center in lieu of a gift for the child. However, I did bristle at the request, by the same people, for money for both their wedding gift and a baby shower gift.

Personally, I feel I'd like to keep the focus on the celebration and not worry about the gifts. I'd prefer to write "no gifts please" if I am worried, instead of dictating the kind of gift to bring. Around here, it is not uncommon to have a giftless birthday celebration. I realize this isn't the norm everywhere.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Earthmama, you'll just have to get over it, ya know, for the sake of social community building









Actually, a birthday party offers a great opportunity to invite the Moms at the playground that you've been wanting to get to know better, or the coworker you'd like to see outside of work. Provided, of course, that you are not demanding a specific gift from them









By the way, I am serial posting because I have no clue how to do multiple quotes.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sydnee* 
I agree with Renee. I have family that are the perfect examples of buying cheap plastic stuff, but ya know what? The kids play with them for about a week or so, and then I give them to Goodwill when they've been pushed aside.










I do that, too.

I've pretty much resigned trying to sway grandparents, etc to buy certain things. Hey, it's their life and it's their time and money, I guess. So, they can do what they wish.

If it's something that I don't think is good for my child, or doesn't suit our choices or household, maybe some other family can find use for it at Goodwill.


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## 1972momma (Feb 4, 2008)

Rude is sort of a loaded word, but I agree that dictating what people should bring as a gift is poor form, as one other poster said.

I liked the idea of leaving it out of the invitation altogether, then sending a quick e-mail a few days later. But, even there, you don't have to mention plastic or no plastic. Just say, "Sally Ann is into dress-up, books about puppies and any music she can dance to," or something like that.

I have similarly vexing extended family and I've found it's often best to just let others give what they want. If I don't like it, it goes in the trash, so if they want to see their gift when they come over, they'll start buying what I like. Call it a quieter way of being the black sheep.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
I don't know exactly how to take your post...But MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity) is not something I can just "get over"

I was just trying to point out that while special requests might seem "rude" on the surface they are often good reasons for them. Around here no one would bat an eyelash at the OP's invitation anyway.

I do think it may depend on where you live how people would react to such an invitation. I just try not to judge and just remember that there is usually a good reason when someone makes a request that seems odd to me. Especially a request that seems "rude" , since most people do not set out to offend others.











mama, didn't ya see me wink? I do believe your condition is serious and I think the " rule" about not suggesting appropriate gifts is just silly.

And speaking of appropriate gifts. What if someone gifted your child a toy gun> Around here this would be a typical gift for a young boy. And trust me, if I had a son I would no problems gifting the toy right back.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
mama, didn't ya see me wink? I do believe your condition is serious and I think the " rule" about not suggesting appropriate gifts is just silly.

And speaking of appropriate gifts. What if someone gifted your child a toy gun> Around here this would be a typical gift for a young boy. And trust me, if I had a son I would no problems gifting the toy right back.

LOL my Mom would not let us have toy guns and she DID give them right back. Believe me she caused a stink doing that in the 70's in a small Southern town and a family of hunters. I'll never forget the looks she got!


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