# Never allowed to grieve..



## Frootloop (Aug 10, 2007)

I hope it's ok to post this here since it's been so long ago that it happened. 
This is going to get extremely long, and for that, I have to apologize now. I'm sorry if I get too rambly. I've just never been able to talk about it and I have so many feelings to get out. I've never posted about this anywhere and I never talk about it with anyone, except for the extremely rare occasion that the topic of miscarriage comes up between my husband and I or if I hear someone mention it. And even then, the only thing that I'm ever able to get out is that.. yes, I had a miscarriage. End of conversation.

I feel that this is the right place to let my feelings out without judgement and without someone insinuating that it's no big deal and that I should just get over it. This time, I'm not going to stop myself from feeling what I feel and I'm not going to stop the tears from falling, like I normally do. It's way past time for me to let this out. If you do manage to read until the end, I thank you..

My ex-husband and I lost *her* almost 14 years ago. I say, "her", because even though I will never know for sure, I still feel in my heart that my baby was a little girl.

I married my ex in January 1995. We were both 20 years old at the time. I was already the mother of an almost 18 month old son from an extremely short-lived previous relationship (please don't judge me). We had just had to move out of our tiny apartment and into my parents' house and really didn't have much money at all. 
Even though my periods were really irregular, I knew that I was pretty late. Far too much time had gone by. I just knew that I was pregnant. Call it a gut feeling, maybe.. but, I KNEW. A few days later, a test confirmed it. I was pregnant. I was shocked and very scared, but also very happy. My ex didn't really want to talk much about it, he was also very nervous.. and he showed no signs whatsoever of happiness.

No one did. Not one person other than myself was even remotely happy or congratulatory about my pregnancy. My mom couldn't talk about it without sighing. The only thing my dad would say about it is, "ugh, what the hell are you going to DO?". My family and friends asked if we were going to keep it. All I heard was, "they can't afford it" and "oh s**t.. what *are* they going to do!?". That seemed to be the most common thought - "OMG, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?!?!". I felt so alone.

My ex and I, along with a few cousins, decided to go away for the weekend, but before we did, I called and made an appointment with my ob/gyn for the following weekend. During that weekend, something in me changed. Something just felt.. off. I knew that something was wrong with my baby.. I knew that I would lose it. A few hours later, I felt a bit crampy every now and then. I didn't say a word to anyone about it. On the way home (2 hr drive), I told my ex that I didn't feel right.. that I felt something was wrong with the baby. Silence. He just took my hand and squeezed it. I called one my cousins to let her know that we made it home and I let her know about the pain I was having. I didn't say a word to my parents about my pain.. not until late that night when the random cramps became a constant ache. I was very scared. I asked my mom and my ex to take me to the ER. I didn't want to wait until my appointment with the OB later in the week.

At the ER, I wasn't given one ounce of sympathy from the staff. NONE. I was simply a young woman who claimed she was pregnant and had cramps. They wanted a blood test to confirm that I was even pregnant.. of course, it came back positive. I was told that if I was in fact losing the baby, there was nothing they could do. I wasn't even examined, really. I was just sent home with orders to take tylenol for the pain. I realize now that there probably wasn't anything they could do.. but, someone could've said "I'm sorry" or just anything remotely sympathetic. I felt even more alone in my pain. We went home and took the tylenol as ordered and tried to sleep. It was a long night.. I kept waking up every couple of hours with hard cramps.

The next morning, I woke up feeling wet. When I stood up, blood ran down my leg. I immediately woke up my husband and then called my OB. The nurse on the phone told me that there was nothing they could do for me since it appeared that I was losing the baby. She said to call them back if I soaked more than one pad an hour. She was cold.. so very cold.. and just.. too damn clinical. The blood slowed way down to the point of just a bit more than spotting - I guess, like a really light period. The cramping stopped, but I still had a constant achey feeling in my lower stomach. My cousin called me later that afternoon to check on me. I told her what was happening and that I felt brushed off by my doctor. She ended up calling her OB, who was actually in another state (only 30 minutes away) to discuss my case with them. Their nurse told her to call me and have me come see them immediately. My husband and parents had to work that day, so my cousin took me. The first thing they did was a bloodtest to check my HCG levels and an ultrasound to be sure that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I guess it appeared that there was a problem with the placenta.. that it was coming away from the uterine wall, or something to that effect (I'm a little blurry on those details), but that it was still possible that things would be ok. The nurse hugged me. The doctor patted me on the back and was very caring. All of the staff that came in contact with me had an "I'm so sorry" look on their faces. Sweet acknowledging sad smiles. Nothing "clinical" about them. For the first time, I felt that someone actually cared about me keeping my baby besides me. I cried for the first time. They took over my care. I was put on strict bedrest until further notice.

The bleeding slowed down even more, basically down to very light spotting.. but the cramping and ache never went away. For the next two weeks, I was supposed to go in twice a week to have blood drawn to measure my HCG levels. The first two tests, they went up, but just _barely_. I still had some hope for my baby. My family still didn't talk about it. I'm sure that part of it was the fact that I was facing the possibility of losing the baby, but in hindsight, I actually feel as though people were hoping that I lost it.. you know, for OUR sake and all.

My 3rd blood draw results broke my heart. My doctor, himself, called to give me the news. My levels went down. My fear was confirmed. My baby was either dying or already gone. He stayed on the phone with me while I cried. It was a good thing that he did that, because I was home all alone. He told me that he could do a D&C if I wished or I could wait it out a little longer to see if my body would take care of things on its own. I knew I couldn't handle waiting too long, but I decided to wait a week. We scheduled the D&C exactly a week away, just in case my body didn't take care of things.

My ex came home early from work and I told him the news. He hugged me, but showed no emotions of his own. When I told my family and friends that we lost the baby, I heard, "I'm sorry, but it wasn't meant to be *shrug*" and "well, it was bad timing for guys anyway" and the nonchalant, "these things just happen, you know?" and "it's a good thing it happened so early before it became a real baby"and the worst one, "I know it sucks and all that, but it was probably for the best, Dee.. I mean, think about it! You guys can barely take care of the one you have now". It seemed to be such a relief to people that I lost it.

My body didn't do its job. The cramps and bleeding would pick up for a day or so and then stop. I just couldn't handle it mentally. It was diagnosed, "Missed Abortion". I hated that term so much. We proceeded with the D&C.

I can't even put into words how much it hurt me to walk into that hospital pregnant and knowing that I wouldn't walk home the same way. I know that it's irrational, but I was hoping for a miracle.. that they would get in there and somehow realize that my baby was still alive. When I woke up from the anesthesia, I remember very clearly that the first words out of my mouth were, "Are you sure that she was dead before you took her?". That was the first time I'd given my baby a sex. The nurse knodded yes and said, "sweetie, I am so sorry" and leaned down to give me hug. I started crying hysterically. They estimated that my baby was around 8 weeks.

I believe they gave me something to calm me down because I don't remember the ride home at all. I don't remember much else of that entire day, actually. I do remember that the next day, the miscarriage wasn't discussed at all. No one wanted to talk about it still.. not even my ex-husband. The only time it was discussed was during my followup appointment a week later.

And that was that.. It happened but wasn't talked about. When I brought it up to other people, someone would change the subject.. or people would tell me that it was probably a good thing.. some even told me that I shouldn't dwell on it anymore. I feel like I wasn't allowed to grieve over my baby. I felt stupid for caring so much over something so tiny.

I don't bring it up anymore until someone mentions something about miscarriages, but I don't TALK about it. I think about her every now and then, but every time I do, I feel stupid for it. All of those things that people said to me still pop into my head.. and that since it happened so long ago, I SHOULD be completely over it. And maybe I should be. 
It's very comforting to be able to post our story here. I'm so sorry that this got so long. I just really really needed to get it out of me. 
I think I'm finally going to allow myself to have a good cry over her today.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Oh Frootloop! I am so sorry - for what happened, for how you were treated, for your loss.

I hate the term "missed abortion" too. Cannot say enough how much I hate it. You did not miss anything - you were right there the whole time.

I hope this post helps you find healing.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

I did read the whole thing and understood you the whole time. It just goes to show that we never forget our lost babies and will miss them forever. You're not alone when you say that no one lets you grieve. We lost our daughter Joslyn at 22 weeks gestation and I personally don't feel like anyone really allowed me to grieve either. They just all want us to be okay and when we are sad about it and mad, they start to worry about me. I feel like there is no reason to worry about me, I'm just sad some days. Can't I just be SAD?! Ya know? Why is that not allowed?








I'm glad you came here to share your story. I am so sorry that happened to you.
You and your "ex" I'm assuming you're divorced now right? How does your current husband react to the miscarriage? Does he allow you to grieve at all and talk about it? Has any of your family/friends apologized since then for how they treated you when you were younger and all this happened?








Lots and lots of hugs to you!!!!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

sweet baby girl

I'm so sorry for your loss and so very sorry that no-one around you allowed you to grieve for your daughter.


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## Frootloop (Aug 10, 2007)

Thank you all so very much.







It means so much to me for someone to read my words and acknowledge that the pain I went through was real. And thank you for reading all of that!!

To answer a couple questions -

My ex is my ex-husband that I divorced in 1998 - we actually separated in August 1996, though. The demise of our marriage pretty much came about not long after I became pregnant with our *other* daughter a little over a year after we lost our first. He couldn't deal with it and refused to even acknowledge the new baby existed. We ended up having a lot of problems and we separated when I was 3 months pregnant with her when he left me and my son back home with my father (we had moved to another state not long after I lost the baby).. just kinda left us there. Such a looooong story, that is!!! About a year after I had our daughter, our relationship turned around and we've been great friends since. He's an amazing father to her. He has since wholeheartedly apologized for what he and everyone else put me through.. that was about 7 years ago. He said that at the time of my miscarriage, he was just trying to come to grips with the fact that I was pregnant and then once I started having problems, refused to allow himself to care about the baby at all since I was going to lose it anyway. He didn't know how to handle the situation at all. He still wouldn't allow himself to grieve about it a few years later. He said the same feelings came back when I got pregnant with our 2nd daughter.. except this time, it was a stronger case of denial because I had already lost our 1st. It wasn't a very long conversation about it and we haven't talked about it since then.

No one else in my family has ever apologized for how they treated me, either.. but then again, I have never come right out and said, "You HURT me". None of us are really close anymore and I felt there was no point in doing so. I have a feeling that if I brought it up, they would all still be like.. "ummm, you still think about that?". Two of them actually started the same crap when I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I heard the same ol', "Omg, Dee! What're you going to do???". I did say, "Well, hopefully this time I'll have a baby.".

I am still close with my mom (my father passed in 1999), but I haven't brought it up to her, either. I should probably do that just to get it out there.

I am remarried to a wonderful man, and I think that he might be supportive if I talked to him about it, but I just don't know. Recently when the topic came up, I had said something about how my daughter would be about 13 today and I started to get choked up. He said something along the lines of "you can't talk about it at all without tearing up, can you?". I just said, "yeah, it still gets to me a lot", and then I was actually the one who changed the subject.

I think that my problem in the most recent months is that I actually feel wrong and somewhat silly for letting it hurt me so much to think about it so many years later. I mean, I never even got to meet her..








Maybe it's just that the words people said so long ago just got to me more than I realize. Like, maybe I let it affect it more than I should have?


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss. and that you were unable to grieve.

HUGS to you!


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i think that if people would have been more supportive, you would be in a better place right now. Sometimes I feel like it is not just the fact that my daughter died, it's also what happens AFTER. I couldn't do anything about her death, so when I think about her, I get sad of course, but what's done is done and I can't bring her back. What hurts me the most is how people treated me after she died. I feel like if those who are in my life treated me better during those vulnerable times I would be in a better state of mind. For instance: My mother in law died 2 months after our baby died, we went to Florida for support-no funeral, just to be with family (his sister lives there). And his sister said to me, "I hope you never have to watch one of your loved ones die." We weren't there when my MIL died in her nursing home, we were living in Canada at the time.
But I thought, "Is she kidding me? My daughter died in MY ARMS!"
By the time i digested what she had just said, she was already blabbing about something else. Wowwwwwwwww. Some people are just incredible.
But I really understand you and why you are still hurting so much. I mean, we never will get over our child passing away, but we should be able to find some sort of peace with time. Those comments like that really don't allow us to move on, because we start to carry these toxic feelings and resentment. There are probably 100 more things I could tell you regarding people just making it worse. And I consider myself to be pretty open minded, but some of these things-there is just NO reason to say them.

Glad to hear that your ex is still in your lives for your daughters sake. I understand how it was hard on him. My hubby has helped me tremendously and will talk about our loss, but he too has his shell and doesn't know what to say sometimes.
If I were in your shoes I would tell your mom how you feel, be kind and relaxed. Maybe talk about it to your husband now too. It always feels better to talk about it. I talk about Joslyn too much. =)
Hugs!!!


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact that no one acknowledged it. I can sort of relate in a very small way. When I got pg w/my third it was unplanned. I was having a lot of emotional difficulties taking care of the two I had. And no one was happy for me to be pg. It bothered me a lot, it still does. But at least I have my baby. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I'm so glad you are posting here, letting it out, and allowing yourself to grieve. Maybe you can do some sort of small ceremony for her, for yourself. Even if it is only to take a long hot bath one night in the dark with only a little candle burning, just for her. You could buy a special candle for the event.









Tracy


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frootloop* 
I think that my problem in the most recent months is that I actually feel wrong and somewhat silly for letting it hurt me so much to think about it so many years later. I mean, I never even got to meet her..



















Don't feel wrong or silly for still hurting over it. It will always hurt.

I know my grandmother lost 4 (2 m/c, one still and one infant). To this day, 50+ years later, it still makes her cry.

Don't allow it to make you feel guilty or anything of the sort. It is a natural part of life to grieve those that left before us. That grief will never truly go away.

However, if you are feeling like you never properly dealt with it, then by all means, do your best to talk through it now, whether that means letting your family know they hurt you or just talking through your feelings. And it sounds like you have a supportive DH who may be willing to help you through that.

Best of luck.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

That's amazing that nobody recognized the hurt that you were in and allowed you to just TALK about how you were feeling. Sounds like all you got was judgment. I'm sorry







It really seems like our culture in the US tends to discount our young women in so many ways--really not recognizing that they are thinking feeling people, even if they're young. I'm glad that you at least had one doctor who was willing to listen, and that you've come here to talk.

It's been hard for me to let go, even with tons of support from family and friends (many friends just don't remember it as long as I do I guess...not remembering what I mean when I say "the last time I was pregnant" and such). I can't imagine what a hard time I'd still be having if I'd gotten as little support as you did.









(I have to add though, that this response was brilliant: "I heard the same ol', "Omg, Dee! What're you going to do???". I did say, "Well, hopefully this time I'll have a baby.")

And *Jess Paez*, big hugs to you about your SIL's comment. How thoughtless and horrible.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Thank you for honoring us by sharing your story here. And I think it is so smart of you to talk about it. Until we talk about our losses and grieve fully, we will not be healed enough to not be consumed by them. There is healing in tears and talk about our losses. I think anyone who has experienced a loss is on a kind of "grief road" and that by acknowledging that loss and dealing with it we are finally able to walk on that road instead of being carried along with the wind down it.

I remember so clearly a dear elderly woman-friend of mine who, after over 50 years still cried at the thought of her miscarriages. Why? Because she was never given the space to grieve those losses fully. You can feel proud of yourself for making the space you need to grieve. And I'm not suggesting that one day we will be done crying over our losses, but the tears do become less frequent at least, and with time we are able to speak of these loved ones without falling apart completely.

love to you!


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## Frootloop (Aug 10, 2007)

:The outpouring of love on this board amazes me and makes me cry happy thankful tears.
This smiley -







- is the understatement of the year.
I've only very briefly read through some of the threads here, and it's so very hard for me to read them. I think it's partly because they hurt my heart so much, and also because I find myself at the loss of words when it comes to others grief (you would think that as rambly as I am, that this wouldn't be a problem, but it happens all.the.time. I wonder if I don't subconciously think I will say the wrong thing because of what was said to me?).

You women are all so strong. I hate that we're all going through our own private little hell because of the loss of our babies and also some of the negativity and general lack of feeling shown by our family anf friends, but I'm also so very glad that there is a place here to let it out and be amongst caring women who know exactly what you're going through and who can help you through it.

I honestly can't thank you ladies enough. I just don't have the words to do so. I'm in the middle of a slight depression (chronic pain and lots of other issues) and it feels wonderful to have someone other than my husband tell me that it's ok to cry over things. I rarely allow myself to let the tears flow (stubbornness runs in my genes baaaadly).

*Meepy Cat* *-*







: Thank you so much. I am definitely finding it extremely healing already. I really really am. It feels wonderful to finally let this all out.
What is with that term, "Missed Abortion"?







*I* didn't try to abort anything. And why is it called "Missed Miscarriage" in other places? It feels like another slap in the face to read that on your paperwork.

*Fireflyforever -* Thank you for the lit candle, it means a lot. That's the first candle lit for her, even though it's online.









*lil_stinkyfeet -* Thank you so much, and hugs to you, too.









*Jess Paez -* Thanks







: I absolutely agree that if people would have been supportive that I would be in a better place now. It sort of started me on a downward spiral and I went through a major depression while I was pregnant my 2nd daughter. I actually became suicidal while pregnant with her because I felt so much like no one cared at all. I also then came very close to giving her up for adoption. Yikes, I'm getting into too many details. I'm sorry. Rambly!
Ok, yeah.. short story is that while I don't like placing blame here, but YES, I strongly believe that had people shown me a little love.. even just a tiny bit.. that things would be a bit different.
I am so sorry that such hurtful things were said to you by your SIL. And I am so sorry they've been said to others on this board!
Do people just not think or what???

*Wugmama -*







Thank you so very much. And thanks to everyone for allowing me to grieve with you all.
I do plan on doing something special for my little girl. I haven't decided what that something will be, but I feel like I need to. There was no burial for her, nor a funeral. I'm sure she was just put into the hospital waste. My heartbreak wasn't acknowledged.. nor was her death. She needs something for her, too. I think it would be very healing for us.

*Cristeen -* Thank you







Guilt is the story of my life. I'm always feeling guilty for having feelings about something. I refuse to let myself keep feeling guilty over this though. The story about your grandmother made me think of my own materal grandmother. She birthed 11 children and I have to wonder if she ever had a miscarriage in between. She is someone who never had a negative or positive comment about my miscarriage. In fact, I'm not even sure she knew about it. I'm highly considering calling her (we're really close now) and talking to her about it.

*Carlyle -* Thanks for the hugs (thanks to everyone for the hugs!). I need them so much while I'm allowing myself to go through this. And hugs to you, as well.









It always amazes me how little some of the medical profession think of young adults when it comes to pregnancy and heck, just anything regarding parenthood. I ran ito it lots with all 3 of my children (wow, that is the first time I've said "all 3" instead of "both").

I am sooooo very thankful for all of the medical staff who took care of me during my loss. They were all amazing and did everything right (except for the dx of missed abortion, but I think it wasn't something they could control, really). Other hospitals could learn a thing or two from them. I loved them so much that I drove across state lines (from TY to KY)for their care during my pregnancy with my 2nd daughter. I was still under my ex's insurance from Michigan so, it made no difference which state I gave birth in).

My brilliant comeback line (why, thank ya very much!) came from me feeling extremely snarky at that moment. All I could think was, "did you seriously just go there again? SERIOUSLY?". I wish I would have said more.. they were more than deserving of it.

*Moonglowmama -* You are very welcome.. and thank you, too.














have never come across another board online where I've felt safe enough to tell my story. I felt it was the right place and definitely the right time. My hurt and anger comes and goes.. not that I ever forget about her, but there are times when all of the feelings come back very hard - and there's just never anyone around to really really talk to. So, my stubbornness kicks in and I stifle my feelings and try to go on with life.
After reading your story about your elderly friend, yes, I'm definitely calling my grandmother now. I wonder, if she ever did have a miscarriage, did anyone console her? After having so many kids, I can imagine someone, somewhere gave her grief for caring. I know that at this point I have no idea if she ever lost a child or not, but I know that many people who have that many children tend to have at least one loss.

Love to you, too.
Love to all of you..









_**PS, I hope I didn't miss anyone!**_


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt caused by those who should have been supporting you. I can relate to some of what you said.







You will always remember her and carry her in your heart.








remembering her w/you


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## peanutmama (Jun 25, 2008)

oh frootloop, i totally understand you. i had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks july 2008. it was terrible, i was shown ZERO compassion by the er staff. i was crying when the doctor told me my baby died and he was acting like it's no big deal. i think my baby died at about 8 or 9 weeks. i went to my regular obgyn and she was kind enough to schedule a d and c the next day before the weekend hit. i just felt a d and c would be the better choice for me - i didn't want to wait and wait for the inevitable and i was hurting in my heart enough as it was. my husband was devastated at the loss, we planned the pregnancy and were looking forward to having the baby. my family was asking "what did you do?" when i told them i lost the baby. like it was my fault the baby died. my dad told me to get it out of my mind as fast as i could, that god had a plan. i wanted to say, then he is a cruel god. i cried many tears and had nightmares about the baby.

thing was, a couple days before i started spotting, i had a dream where the baby was saying goodbye to me. i was confused why the baby looked like an 8 week old embryo when i was 11 weeks along. i guess my body was sort of telling me i lost my baby. my husband and i named her sarah - we don't know she's a girl but we feel certain she was. nobody has ever let me talk about it, except my husband and my best friend, and people acted like it was no big deal and that i should just forget about it. it's true that you won't ever forget ever of your babies, no matter how small they were. they were your babies, and you loved them regardless, from day one. it actually makes me feel a little better just to type this out, as i have been given very little opportunity to truly grieve the loss of sarah. the only thing i have to prove she existed is an ultrasound printout after she has died. i keep it along with my 1 year old dd's ultrasound printouts.

i am now 12 weeks pregnant with our third baby and i am hoping that this baby has the opportunity to be born. my husband and i are delighted to have this baby here, and so far, so good. i have good feelings about this pregnancy, but of course i can't avoid feeling a little scared once in a while.

frootloop, you are not alone. there are those like me who understand you. i too have been reading stories here and it has been very hard for me sometimes, but i totally sympathize and empathize with them. you are definitely not stupid and it is your right to take all the time you want to grieve. it is your baby, nobody can ever replace that baby. people really are very bad around people who have suffered a loss. i just learned they are clumsy, have no idea how to act so they act like the less it's talked about, the better it is because they don't have to deal with it and everything that comes along with it. most mean well, they are just inept, and in some cases, insensitive. you're doing good mama. you're not alone.


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