# Anyone miscarry naturally at home at 18 weeks? *UPDATE POST 18*



## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

I'm 18 weeks and found out today that my baby is gone. Baby is only measuring 15 weeks so it's been about 3 weeks since baby passed. I'm wanting to do this at home and avoid a d&c or d&e. My mw is happy to help me through it. Just wanting to get advice and what I should expect for those who have miscarried naturally at 18 weeks.

My heart goes out to all of you. THis is not something I ever expected to have to experience and I hope I never have to again. I have a new respect and love for those who have suffered losses. It is truely heart breaking.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

So sorry for your loss mama. I'm sure others will chip in, but I lost my first naturally at 12.5 weeks. Earlier than you, but anyway.
I wasn't at home, as such, because I was scared witless. I was on my way to the hospital, and it happened about 5 mins before I arrived.

I was suprised by how 'labour like' it was. I had cramping from about 20 hours prior. Small amounts of bleeding. The cramping turned into contractions about 5ish hours prior, but I didn't realise at the time that that's what it was. I got to a point where I was gripping DP's handing and breathing through the contractions, and they were super close together. Then I felt a 'pop' and my water broke. The pain eased a lot immediately.

There was a lot of blood, and I still had a fair bit of pain afterwards. There was some concern that I might need a transfusion, but in the end it was ok.
I didn't see my baby. I was so traumatised that I couldn't look. Maybe I should have, I don't know? I was also suprised by how much blood there was on the following days. Sometimes it felt like blood was pouring from me. I had a few pretty awful cramping episodes on subsequent days too, and passed large clots.

Have you started bleeding or anything yet? If not, it could take a while.

Anyway, I guess this is my advice:
Have pain meds on hand for when you need them, a heat pack might help too
Once it starts, make sure that you have someone with you at all times
Have maternity pads on hand, you'll need them
Make sure you stay hydrated
Keep in mind that filling a pad an hour for two or more consecutive hours is a problem. If this happens, you need to get checked out.
It might not be something you're thinking about now, but I would also recommend counselling. It's a tough thing that you are dealing with.

Best of luck mama


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## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

Thank you so much!! I am heart broken. This has been such a crazy pregnancy anyway...a very surprise pregnancy, but I'm already so in love with this little person, I can't ever have.

Thank you for the info. My mw told me to expect labor. That I would probably have to dialate to a 5 maybe. My labors take forever anyway, so I'm sure I'll be in this for the long haul. At this point I'm just spotting...on and off brownish blood then red blood and I have mild cramping. Nothing too painful. I'm going to start on some herbs and supplements today and try to speed things up. I just want it to be over with, ya know.

One thing that is so wierd to me. I'm 18 weeks. I have a pregnant belly...yet most act like it's not a baby...that it's just a miscarriage and I will "pass" the "tissue". IT"S NOT TISSUE!!!! IT"S MY BABY!!!
I hate that. I'm going to punch someone in the face!!
It's nice to have somewhere to talk and it's nice to be able to read others experiences. Hopefully I get through this without going crazy.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.








If you'd like to get things going - it's SO hard to wait, isn't it - you can ask your MW about misoprostol. The WHO says it can be used to induce labour after the baby has died up to 24 weeks.
OF COURSE your sweet baby isn't just "tissue."
Thinking of you...


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## mamatogirls (Nov 23, 2009)

I had an 18 week loss in January. People kept acting like it was "just" a miscarriage. I got the "when I miscarried I just did it at home and let nature take its course". Well your body isn't supposed to let go in the second trimester so it's not the same as a miscarriage. I hate that it's still considered a "miscarriage" at this point anyway. To me if you have to go through labor to get the baby out, etc, it's way more that a miscarriage. I wanted to do it at home b/c I hate hospitals but I wanted it over with ASAP. I completely understand not wanting a D&E, the second I found out I knew I wanted an induction and to see my baby. For me there was no other way. Long story short I ended up being induced with cytotec, it was labor for me, like your midwife said expect labor. I had contractions 1 1/2 mins apart almost the whole time and they started out mild, gradually got stronger, I had a transition type stage too. I am for natural birth but in this situation I did use drugs and that was one thing about the hospital that I did like b/c it's hard enough to go through the mental anguish of this not to mention the physical. The hospital I was at made me wait until I was fully dialated b/c they did not want to break the water. I pushed Bella out in the bag of waters. Once my cervix was ripe I went quickly, so hopefully labor won't be long for you since it's not a full-term baby.

One thing to keep in mind, placentas don't like to come out on there own in the second trimester. Even if you have this baby at home you may need to go to the hospital for help with the placenta. They waited 4 hours for my placenta to come on its own, only a portion detached and I was bleeding alot. I ended up having it manually removed in the OR. I know some women don't have problems with the placenta coming but I think more often than not they do in this situation. I was told several times ahead of time to expect to have some help with the placenta removal.

I feel your pain, it's a horrible situation to go through. Wherever you have your baby hold it, name it, take pictures. You won't regret it. If taking pictures of the face may bother you just do the feet and hands. Try to get footprints as well. I have all these things that the hospital did for me. It's nice to have momentos of your baby. Even if you think you don't want them, do it anyway and put them away until you are ready. No regrets that way. My regret was not holding her soon enough or long enough, but I am glad I did hold her.

I wish you strength


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## MrsMike (Aug 4, 2006)

I'm so sorry, mama. OF COURSE this is your baby, not tissue. That pisses me off as well and there have been many faces I have wanted to punch recently. Many.

I m/c at 12 weeks. My baby, River, died at 8 weeks. I had a week of brown spotting and then 1 or 2 days of red spotting before it all happened. My midwife told me to expect to go through labor and I kinda brushed it off and hoped to have something easy. It was real labor. Real, live, regular contractions, transition and back labor. In a way, it's amazing what our bodies do. But, it's not fair. I cried the whole time because it wasn't fair to go through labor like this and not have my baby alive. I passed mostly everything at home in the tub. I felt better at one point and thought it was over. I then had non-stop contractions that rocked the hell out of me and only passed more blood. I couldn't drink or eat or take ibuprofen and eventually scared myself into thinking I was going to pass out so I went to the hospital. I'm a huge natural birth advocate and rarely take pain meds for anything (and even then, I use natural options like homeopathy), but all I wanted was something to numb the pain. I got a few injections of hydromorphone and a doctor did a simple internal and pulled away a clot that was stuck at my cervix. I felt a lot better then. My midwife says sometimes, after you pass the baby and even the placenta, the uterine tissue gets stuck behind because the uterus doesn't contract efficiently enough to pass it through. 3 days later I passed another huge clot without any pain. It was uterine tissue and blood. I saved everything that I passed at home. We live in an apartment and this sounds gruesome, but we are keeping her in the freezer until we have our own home and can bury her. Some women choose not to do that. Some women choose not to look at anything. That's okay - we are all different and we all have our own ways of handling these things.

Be gentle and kind with yourself. Eat as well as you can and drink some RRL tea to help your uterus. I took Floradix iron supplement for a few weeks before the m/c happened because I sometimes run slightly anemic and my midwife wanted to make sure I didn't have complications from bleeding.


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## mamatogirls (Nov 23, 2009)

One other thing I thought of is that in the hospital they gave us the option of cremation. We chose to have her cremated out of a funeral home, not in the hospital so we could take the ashes home(if the hospital cremates they do it with other babies and put them in the baby garden memorial). They will not let you take the remains of the baby home. We are currently preparing a spot in our yard to make a flower garden to spread her ashes in. I just want you to be aware of your options no matter where this takes place for you. So much is happening to you, it's alot to take in.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

My son died at 14 weeks, so he was about the size that your little one is. I did have a d&c scheduled, but it wasn't for two days, and the day I found out I had already started spotting and cramping.

There are a couple things I wish I had known/done.

First, I would get prescription pain meds asap. It is definitely labor, it was really painful. I called the on call doc but there was a mess up so I wound up going through it with no pain meds and it sucked a lot.

Second, I would suggest getting one of those plastic collection things that fits over the toilet. Since I wasn't expecting to do it at home I totally didn't think about it and wound up delivering on the toilet, which was completely traumatic (especially for my poor dh who had to get the baby out).

Like a pp said, placenta doesn't deliver the same at this stage. My placenta retained so I had to cut the cord and then go to the emergency room. They had to transfer me because there's only one OB here and she was out of state and the ER doc didn't feel comfortable in his ability to pull it out (it was in pieces). Which worked out best anyway because then i got the on call doc from my ob's practice and I was at a Catholic hospital, which does make a difference in how the baby's body is treated. Many secular hospitals dispose of babies under 20 weeks as if they're "medical waste." I made it clear at the first hospital I went to that no one was to throw my baby away and they said they weren't legally allowed to give his body back to me. But since they transferred me to the Catholic hospital, they sent him with me because they know they cremate all babies under 20 weeks there, free of charge (like the pp's hospital, they cremate the babies and bury them together at a memorial). Otherwise, my only other option would have been to have his body released to the local funeral home, who could have charged me (many do it for free, but technically they can charge if they want). If you aren't sure about your local hospital's policies, you might want to have someone call and ask for you so you can decide what to do if you need to go in and have the placenta removed.

But if you don't want to have pathology done, there's not a real reason to take the baby in with you if you've already delivered. I did have pathology done and then they cremated him.

Something else to keep in mind is that because of the length of time between the baby passing away and delivery, there may some degeneration of the tissue. I don't want to sound gruesome, but there is a possibility the baby might not come out in tact. Not to be upsetting, but it does happen and it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the possibility (as much as you can be, anyway :/). That said there were 2 weeks between my baby dying and delivery and he came out completely intact.

When I was in the first ER they kept calling my baby a fetus or "product of conception" and it really pissed me off. Until, of course, they saw his body, and then suddenly he became a baby to them. One of the nurses started crying when she saw him.








I'm sorry.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I had my son at home very suddenly. It was a LOT like labor. Very intense. My placenta was still there a week later. I took misoprostal to deliver the placenta and had to call 911 because the bleeding was quite excessive. When I came home (my husband was gone for work <military>) I had to clean up the mess. I remember thinking "So this is what it is like to clean up crime scenes." It was pretty awful. I am glad I had him at home because I got to spend time with him alone BUT I wish I had had someone with me. My advice is to NOT do it alone.

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## JTA Mom (Feb 25, 2007)

I lost my first son at 16 weeks.

A few differences: my son was still alive, and I just went into labor. They won't stop labor before 20 weeks, so I delivered him.

However, our babies should be around the same size. I was sent home, actually, since my cervix was closed and baby was moving. 3 hours later, he came, at home.

1) Definitely, definitely labor. Including transition. Right before he was born I totally felt the intense need to go to the bathroom and really, really nauseated. Didn't really know what was happening until the last 30 min, then it was too late to really do anything. I was also fighting the labor pains, which I'm sure made everything more painful.

2) Your baby will be about as long from the tips of your finger to a few inches below your wrist, fully laid out. There is a lot of detail there, like knuckle creases, etc. S/he will have recognizable boy/girl parts. Pretty much, think tiny, tiny, tiny newborn, without hair, and very see through skin (so red, rather than pink).

3) If you are delivering at a hospital, make sure to let them know to NOT remove the baby. Hold him/her, take pics, even footprints. Trust me, these little things might feel weird but will mean the world to you later. Bring a blanket to wrap him/her in, anything you want to. There's a volunteer photographer group called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. See if there are any near you. It's professional photographers who will take professional pictures: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Also, there are some volunteer groups who will knit/make stuff for miscarried/stillborn babies. I think you need to ask your midwife if she knows of any though.

4) If you want to bury the baby, you can. Most cemeteries offer a reduced rate for babies under 20 weeks gestation. Since there is no death certificate, there are less hoops to jump through to get the body and everything. For our son, I think it cost 1k for the plot, the coffin, the vault thing over it to keep the earth from settling, opening & closing of the plot, and the service we held there. Pretty much, it paid for everything but the headstone. A headstone was $500 and we got that much later, when we could afford it. We live in a high cost of living place too, so yours might be a lot cheaper.

You can also cremate the baby. No idea on price though. You MUST let the hospital know this though. Otherwise they will 'dispose' of the baby. It must be released to a mortuary or other place that handles the deceased, since the baby is considered human remains and must be treated appropriately.

5) I don't know if I'm allowed to post a link to this, but the MISS foundation Forums were essential for helping me heal. It's a forum for all types of pregnancy/infant/child loss, from the earliest miscarriage to stillbirth to beyond. Many more women on there who have experienced what we have.
http://www.missfoundation.org/

ETA:

6) My placenta wouldn't come out either, so I had a d & c/e for that. Make sure the pain killers are working before they start though. Mine didn't kick in until they doubled the dose. More painful than labor.

7) Some of the hospital staff might be completely oblivious (like the nurse that cheerfully asked why I was there when my son was still attached to me). Most though will be deeply affected by it, and even cry.










Ami


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## Jungle Mama (Dec 24, 2006)

Big hugs for you all.

Some herbs to look into (make sure they are ok for you first):

*Shepherd's Purse* - 20-40 drops stop hemorrhage in 5 seconds. It stopped a hemorrhage for me and saved me from going to the hospital.

*Black & Blue Cohosh* - helps clean out womb and expel placenta.

*Angelica/Dong Quai* - very effective in expelling placenta and cleaning out womb.

*Arnica* - natural pain killer and treats shock and soreness (homeopathically is easy to take like a pane killer).

Drink lots! If you have *coconut water*, (not coconut milk) it is wonderful to drink because it is similar to plasma to increase blood volume and clotting and is high in electrolytes and minerals. (It has been used for blood transfusions). Also, tea from herbs high in iron like *nettles, yellow dock, and alfalfa* (also high in vitamin k to help with blood clotting), and raspberry leaf will help clean out the womb.

Eat foods with vitamin K (lots of dark greens), soups will be easier to digest.

Avoid natural blood thinners or 'warming' foods because they can contribute hemorrhage. Here's a list:
http://www.ctds.info/natthinners.html

I suggest using the bath tub or a container of some kind to avoid reaching into the toilet. We buried the baby under a night blooming jasmine tree in the backyard and named her Jasmine, so we can smell the sweet smelling flowers and be filled with love for her. You will be in my prayers.


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## M.Q. (Sep 5, 2009)

I just wanted to chime in with my sympathies. My loss was MUCH earlier than yours, so I can't speak to your practical questions, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that this is happening to you and to acknowledge your little one's life.

At 18 weeks (or 18 days, darnit) s/he is ABSOLUTELY a baby, YOUR baby who you love and who you wanted to carry, birth, and parent. Take it from someone whose loss came on the same day as the positive test: there is no such thing as "just a miscarriage" to the woman experiencing it. Take the best care possible of yourself and don't be ashamed to grieve your baby.







s

-MQ


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

You have already gotten a lot of great responses. My baby died at about 14 weeks and was born at home at 14w5d, so was very close to the size of your baby. It was ABSOLUTELY a labor and a birth. The labor was indistinguishable from my previous full-term birth. What was different was the huge amount of blood that followed him. I have no regrets at all about having him at home--I was planning to have him at home full-term, why not continue with my homebirth plan. HOWEVER, I did have some serious concerns about the blood loss (I actually thought I might be going to die) and did end up going to the ER 5 hours after the baby was born. They were totally nonchalant about the whole thing and acted like I was overreacting--"this is very common, it is just natural selection." (HELLO! Not common--only 1% or so of miscarriages happen after 12 weeks. And, grapefruit sized clots are alarming--at least I think so!)

Anyway, I really wish I had had more information about how to take care of myself during the actual process. Basically, treat this labor/birth like you would any other labor/birth. If your midwife is willing to be there, that would probably be ideal. I would have liked to have a midwife come in to give me her opinion about the blood loss, but the one I called was unfortunately out of town and couldn't help.

Yesterday was my baby's due date and I finished writing up his whole birth story and posted it on my website (I am going to share the link and hope that it is not a rule violation, because perhaps you might find something useful in it for preparing for your own experience.)

I agree that is is frustating to have the very real baby and birth dismissed as "just a miscarriage." I know my experience was earlier than yours, but I gave birth to a fully formed little boy, not some random "tissue." The doctor's office where I found out he had died said I would probably "pass it" over the weekend--excuse me? How about "go into labor and have the baby" over the weekend. That is/was the truth!

(((hugs))) to you. I wish you the best and hope you are able to have a peaceful and self-caring birth experience. I felt like it was the final gift I could give to my baby--to give him a gentle and respectful birth at home. It was a gift to myself as well.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JTA Mom* 
6) My placenta wouldn't come out either, so I had a d & c/e for that. Make sure the pain killers are working before they start though. Mine didn't kick in until they doubled the dose. More painful than labor.


Yes. I was doped up on *a lot* of IV morphine and it was still extremely painful. She had to pull it out piece by piece, uggh.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I've done it both ways, unfortunately....

I labored and delivered my 20 week loss at the hospital. I was induced with Cervadill. It was a long and hard labor - about 11 hours- I only had to dialate to 4 cm for the baby to pass. I decided to get an epi during the process because I was just d.o.n.e. I was mourning and laboring at the same time...I just couldn't do it. I was able to do most of the labor in the GYN ( not labor and delivery) part of the hospital for most of it. I was transferred to L & D for the epi. I then stayed and recovered at the hospital for one day. What I liked- Being taken care of. I got pain management. The staff was AWESOME...treated me and my baby wonderfully. They gave me a box of momentos- measurements of baby, hospital band, and took pictures of the baby for me. I also didn't have to be brave for anyone there. I cried and cried and cried. And everyone got it. I do know that my situation is slightly different because I was 20 weeks...the magic # for it to be considered a stillborn, but the labor will be similar.

I also had a 17 week pregnancy loss. I was so distraught that I consented to a D & E. I had to wait to have it because VERY FEW doctors can perform this procedure. We decided to insert laminaria ( dried seaweed) into the cervix so that there would be less trauma to the cervix the day before my procedure was to be done. Well, I went into labor in the middle of the night and delivered the baby in my bathroom. This time it came really fast, and I kept passing out. It was very traumatic and for whatever reason, the placenta wouldn't deliver afterwards. So, I had to be transferred via ambulance to a nearby ER because I kept on fainting. I was given pitocin to help deliver the placenta and eventually did. I was discharged out of the ER.

In both cases, I was able to have the remains cremated, which was VERY important to me. And I have both baby's remains with me at home.

I'm sorry sweetie. I hope you are able to do this as easily as possible.


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## Multimomma (Jan 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmBam* 
I'm 18 weeks and found out today that my baby is gone. Baby is only measuring 15 weeks so it's been about 3 weeks since baby passed. I'm wanting to do this at home and avoid a d&c or d&e. My mw is happy to help me through it. Just wanting to get advice and what I should expect for those who have miscarried naturally at 18 weeks.

My heart goes out to all of you. THis is not something I ever expected to have to experience and I hope I never have to again. I have a new respect and love for those who have suffered losses. It is truely heart breaking.

I did at 18 weeks. It was just as hard as labor, so please don't let that surprise you. The recovery will be the same, as well, definitely three or four weeks, maybe longer because emotionally it's so much harder. The water probably will not break on it's own, Abi was born in the bag, and that was hard to birth.

I am so sorry for your loss, please, remember to keep momentos, pictures, etc. I regret that I did not. Abi was so perfectly formed, just tiny, and I worried that people would think I was morbid. Now I feel like she never existed, and I have no proof of her existence, and I regret it frequently.

Blessings be upon you in this hard time.


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## anwanie99 (Jun 19, 2009)

We lost our baby at 14 weeks and were able to deliver the baby at home naturally. I had a c-section with my previous baby and never labored, so I wasn't sure I was actually in labor (although I thought my water had broken), but once I realized what had happened I admitted that I was in fact having contractions. There was an intense desire to go #2 and after I was done and cleaning myself up, there was a foot coming out of me. I have to say that for me the most traumatic part of it all was that foot. That perfect little foot with five toes...I am still jostled awake at night by the vision of the foot.

Sooo....we called the OB on call and basically he told us that we didn't have to go to the hospital if we didn't want to (and in retrospect we wouldn't have made it to the hospital). We could take any pain medicine we had on hand (I think I had to oxycodone from a previous surgery) and just let nature take it's course.

I got into the bathtub and pushed the baby out there. What everybody said about the size and vividness of the baby is true. Our baby was about as long as from the tips of my fingers to my wrist. All its fingers and toes were there, lips, eyes, ears...honestly, it's really comforting in the end to see that it was a human in there that came out of you.

My placenta also had trouble coming out. I sat in the bathtub for probably two hours with the cord still attached to me inside and the baby floating in the water. We spoke with the OB on call again and he told us we could cut the cord, for me to get up and walk around, shower, move some, to help with the other "things" that were in there. An hour or so later, some large things came out and I thought I was done. I went to the OB's office the next morning and they said (even though they didn't confirm with an ultrasound) that everything was gone. BUT, I didn't feel better. I was having a lot of bleeding and just didn't feel right.

About 24 hours later, I went into labor again, much more intense and delivered the placenta. After that was out of me, I knew it was over and everything was out of me. I INSTANTLY felt better and the bleeding slowed down.

I guess the moral of my story is that if you feel like something is not right, call someone, ask questions, because you are probably right. It's your body and you know it best!!


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## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, stories and advice. I delivered my little boy this afternoon peacefully at home with my midwife and my dh. It was just as I had hoped. It was peaceful and I was able to see him and touch him and have my time with him. He is a perfect tiny little person. My mw estimates 14.5 to 15 weeks when he passed. I am 18 weeks 5 days today. We also discovered an extra placenta and a baby that never developed. I never guessed would have guessed that there were two babies to begin with. I don't know all the why's and when's and how's and I'm ok with it. I am at peace. I know the Lord has carried me and comforted me this past week. There is no way I've done it on my own. I've been writing bits and pieces of the whole story this week and will try to put it all together soon. Thanks again for the support. So much of what was said was very helpful and helped me to prepare. I am so grateful for the way this horrible situation was handled and that I was able to do this my way. Thanks mamas!


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Oh, mama.








Sometimes the worst possible things happen in the best possible way - and we can be grateful for that.
Thinking of you and your little ones.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I am so glad you were able to have a peaceful delivery. It really does make such a huge difference.

Much peace and healing to you~~


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## WindyCityMom (Aug 17, 2009)

Many hugs to you mama, may you continue to find strength.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)




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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

The peaceful, respectful goodbye does make such a difference. I'm glad you were able to do things your way. Did you name your baby?

(((hugs))) and best wishes to your whole family!


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## ikesmom (Oct 29, 2005)

I am sorry for your loss. A few years back.. I too lost a baby at 18 weeks and it measured small..15 weeks. I am glad you have comfort in God to guide you through this. I named my baby Hannah-to give back to God. There is so many emotions that come with this kind of experience..give yourself time to heal. Try to communicate your feelings with someone if you need to..it helps the healing.


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## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

You guys...I"m losing it. The peace and comfort is gone. I can't function...am I ever going to be normal again? I thought I was doing so good and it was going to be so easy. It's not. This is so horrible. I hate this. I'm leaking milk. It makes me cry. I'm leaking milk for a baby who I will never nurse.
Please tell me how you all got through this. I just want to crawl into bed forever.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

for your lost little ones and healing energy to you.

I never lost a baby as far along as you but I do remember it got worse before it got better. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel right now dont fight it.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

It takes a long time to get "better" and there is a new "normal" ever after--just like having a full-term, living baby brings a new normal, so does the death of the baby.

These are some things that helped me:

+I read, read, read. Every book about miscarriage/stillbirth that I had and ordered and read a bunch more. I also voraciously read miscarriage stories on the internet--somehow knowing that I wasn't alone was validating and just like reading birth stories, I hungered for miscarriage stories.

+I journaled a lot too.

+Connected to that need for story, I invited two of my closest friends over within a week and told them the whole story from start to finish--I needed to tell it, just as I needed to tell the birth stories of my other two sons. I needed to tell the WHOLE thing, not just "my baby died and I'm so sad," but, "and then contractions were two minutes apart..." etc., etc., etc. They brought me food and we sat and cried together and they listened with care and respect while I told the WHOLE thing. It took me two hours to tell it. It was such a gift that they were there to listen.

+I requested a (free) birth certificate for my baby from Angel Whispers. It came really fast and is very nice. I love it. They sent a little gift with it that I also found meaningful. Even though I don't really connect with the "angel" image (I think in the "forever in my heart" language rather than angel language), I love having the angel birth certificate. It even has an "official" gold seal on it.

+I bought a pendant in honor of my baby--I got a footprints on my heart charm and also the "baby in my heart" pendant from Miscarriage Memories. I wear the baby in my heart one every single day and never take it off.

+When people asked what they could do for me (other than bring food), I had them send me a bead for the baby and later, on the three month anniversary, I strung them together into a "necklace" and hung them up over his birth certificate. (there are pictures of it here)

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Be generous with yourself. Give yourself permission to just STOP for a while. Sit with your feelings. Cry when you need to. Let the pain hurt.

(((hugs)))


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## JTA Mom (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmBam* 
You guys...I"m losing it. The peace and comfort is gone. I can't function...am I ever going to be normal again? I thought I was doing so good and it was going to be so easy. It's not. This is so horrible. I hate this. I'm leaking milk. It makes me cry. I'm leaking milk for a baby who I will never nurse.
Please tell me how you all got through this. I just want to crawl into bed forever.











The milk was a hard hurdle. The next hardest will be when you have your first PP AF.









Other than taking it one day at a time, talking to people who've btdt (the MISS foundation forums were crucial for me during that time), and just time, there's not much else. It IS hard. You lost your child. That's not something to 'just get over', it takes a while to make peace with it, if ever.

My dh hasn't made peace. I have but that doesn't mean that thinking of Joseph, or visiting him, or hearing about other second trimester losses doesn't bring me back to that day. Looking at my rainbow toddler, it's in the back of my mind all the time how lucky I am that I got to keep him.

For me, eventually, I needed counseling. I saw a woman who specialized in pregnancy/birth/infant loss & trauma. It was a bit pricey, but the 6 sessions with her really, really, really helped me deal with the experience. Mind you, I didn't go until ds was 18 months, so I needed time on my own to process some of it before I was ready to 'relive it' so to speak. If you find that you can't do it, that you need more help with this trauma, then go for counseling. There's a lot of sliding scale clinics out there too (both dh and I used it a bit right after losing Joseph because it created A LOT of tension and issues between us, which is normal).

Biggest tip: Let yourself cry, let yourself feel the sadness, avoid people who will make 'light' of the situation (I cut out talking to a lot of people for a few months afterwards who didn't 'get' it) and treat yourself gently.









Ami


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## ikesmom (Oct 29, 2005)

I had a really hard time too..I didn't let myself go through the emotions..I returned to work a week after and struggled. That is why I wanted to say to let yourself go through it..since it doesn't just go away.

It looks like there are a lot of moms on here that have gone through this..I really want to encourage you to seek help. My dh didn't know how to talk to me about it. I tried to just pretend that everything was normal. It wasn't







Everyone needs to grieve. Take one day at a time and deal with what your feeling that day. Prayers for you and your family..I hope you are able to sleep and don't forget to eat too.


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## AmBam (Jun 9, 2004)

Thank you all so much. You've given me great advice. I've just done so well up to this point that its all kindof taking me by surprise. I've had such a hard time the last couple of days. My poor dh. We talked about this the week we were waiting for my body to start labor and I was doing remarkably well at that point. I warned him that after might be a different story. The day of his birth and even the two days following I did really well considering. My dh was surprised I was holding up like I was. I told him at some point it might change. When this all started yesterday he seemed baffled. When I called him sobbing this morning he didn't seem to understand. It made me mad. He's trying so hard. He called me at lunch and was very sympathetic. He just isn't quite sure what to do with me.
I'm going to write it all out. I've journaled a lot. It's all still in my memory very vividly. I want to write it out. I'll write it here. It is so nice to talk to people who get it.
The term miscarriage is hard for me to accept and say. I had a baby. I labored and I birthed a baby...and a placenta...just as I have 4 times previous. But now I don't have anyone to hold and nurse and cuddle. AHHHHH....Why? Why did it have to be this way? Why don't I still have the sweet little guy inside of me? It's maddening. My breasts are sore. I can tell my milk is going to come in. I'm so frustrated.
Thanks ladies for just letting me ramble. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been through.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I am so sorry.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

I cried reading your story because I know those emotions all too well. I lost my daughter 3 1/2 months ago and it truly has been the hardest thing i've ever been through. I just want to reach through this computer and hug you and listen to you cry. But these words will have to suffice.

The only advice I would give, as far as how to get through it, is to allow yourself to grieve. Really grieve. Any time it comes up. This is the only way to get it out, to properly process it, and to allow you to heal.

The milk coming in is just heartbreaking, isn't it? I felt like my breasts were weeping for my baby.

I really resonated with your posting that you were on a good path, then quickly feeling like you were no longer "ok." Oh, how I get this. For me, it really came in waves. One minute, I was so full of strength and the belief that this was just simply the path I was supposed to be on, and the next I was a sobbing mess. It still happens to me. It's a long road. And you don't have to be okay. Your son died. Your sweet little baby is gone and that is not okay. Try to be around people who really understand that.

And be gentle and loving with yourself. We are all imperfect souls and grieving can be an ugly, messy thing. Any way you do it is the right way.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

I echo the PP. My heart breaks with you. Four years after my first loss the days of intense grief had finally almost ceased to exist, and then two months ago I had another loss and I'm starting all over again. It's an emotional rollercoaster that you can't ever get off, these children should be in our arms and their not. It's not fair, and it makes life so unbearable at times







Prayers for your healing journey.


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## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry.







It's strange how someone decided to draw a line between miscarriage and stillbirth. I guess there needs to be a line somewhere, but 18 weeks seems much bigger. It's your baby, no matter how big or how small. *hugs*


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *idigchaitea* 
I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry.







It's strange how someone decided to draw a line between miscarriage and stillbirth. I guess there needs to be a line somewhere, but 18 weeks seems much bigger. It's your baby, no matter how big or how small. *hugs*

In one of my m/c books, the author says something like, "what is a miscarriage, but an early stillbirth..." and she's kind of right--though, obviously, there are physical differences, etc. and socially ascribed differences as well. We have a real problem with the semantics of loss in the first place (in the US, at least).


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