# 4 yr old Complete Personality Switch (longish)



## owensmom (Feb 23, 2002)

I don't even know what to do about Owen. I mean, I'm sure he is right on track for some horrible 4 year old phase, but I don't know how much more I can take. He went from kind and empathetic to argumentative, rude, and for lack of a better word, disrespectful.

We've tried to raise him under GD. All my old "tricks" don't seem to work anymore. I'd say in the past 24 hours, he has made me cry 5 times (PMS doesn't help!).

Example of darn near everything, from yesterday. I'm trying to do something, Owen wants me to play hockey. I tell him I can play as soon as I am done, which will be about another 5 minutes. In starts the demanding: No, play hockey with me now. I explain how I'd like to finish what I'm doing, he starts demanding in a louder and most horrible voice about me playing now. In the past, before the demanding voice came into being, I may have stopped what I was doing to play with him. But sometimes it would really be better if I could just finish putting away the last 5 shirts or I'll find them on my bed when I'm ready to sleep all covered in dog fur. Anyway, he is demanding about other things too. "Get me more drink! (wait 3 seconds) I said get me more drink!!!" We can talk until we are blue in the face about saying please, our tone of voice (the big killer here, really), respecting other's time when asking them to do something, and the possibility of doing things ourselves. I get no change.

In the past, if things escalated to total tantrum (which is rare), I'd take him in my room, shut the door, and just hold him until he'd stop trying to hit me and calm down and just cry. We'd talk, it would all work out. I tried that yesterday and he got sooooooo angry, I got headbutted in the mouth. I tell him it is ok to be angry, ok to be mad, try to punch the bed and not me, and then I tried to talk about the issue at hand, but it wasn't working. I finally just opened the door and walked out.

Afterwards, as I nursed my fat lip with ice (it really was that bad!), dh asked him how he felt about hurting mommy, and he said "glad". Glad?! OMG I just broke down sobbing.

Sometimes when I try to talk to him, even just saying "please try not to kick so hard in the bathtub" or "be careful when you _____", he will just cover his ears. or repeat back what I'm saying in a (again, for lack of a better word) sassy voice "no _you_ try not to kick so hard" or "no _you_ be careful" ... all the while continuing whatever I've asked him not to do or whatever.

Phew. Where do I go from here? I want to run away.


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## thoesly (Dec 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *owensmom*
Sometimes when I try to talk to him, even just saying "please try not to kick so hard in the bathtub" or "be careful when you _____", he will just cover his ears. or repeat back what I'm saying in a (again, for lack of a better word) sassy voice "no _you_ try not to kick so hard" or "no _you_ be careful" ... all the while continuing whatever I've asked him not to do or whatever.

One thing that has helped us in the past is knowing when *not* to speak. Your above examples would be interpreted as invitations by my youngest. He wouldn't hear "please try not to . . ." He would hear "kick so hard in the bathtub." So when we go through a rough patch, I often ask myself why I'm about to say something and if it's a good idea. If something needs to be said, I say it. But "be careful" and "please try" statements rarely lead to anything good. (Was it Alfie Kohn who had the rule about "keeping your no's out of it"? In our case, sometimes I need to keep my *words* out of it.)

Keeping quiet works for the demanding things, too. If my son says he needs something and I say as soon as I'm done with whatever, he will often repeat his need. I will repeat once again, too, but then I'm done. He can keep repeating himself while I finish up the task, and he often does. But if he repeats himself 10 times, no damage is done. If I keep responding and engaging him, though, he gets upset, and then instead of wanting the original item, he just dissolves into a tantrum. I'm not sure why this is so, but I do know that keeping quiet often serves my son better than trying to explain.

Regarding tantrums, I always stay near, but again, keeping quiet until he's ready for me often serves him better than trying to soothe him too soon. And I never, ever physically move him (my oldest has autism, and the first book I read about it said that making things physical for them *will* come back on you when they are stronger than you -- seems logical for all kids, not just special needs). In fact, if it's possible, I remove as much sensory stimuli as I can (no talking, turn the lights down low, turn the music off, etc) since sensory overload is often a problem for my kids.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I thought I'd throw the ideas out. I read your post yesterday and thought others would have better ideas than me. But since no one else has posted, I wanted to give you *something* even if it doesn't help you at all.

Good luck!


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## morning glory (Dec 8, 2005)

Well the good news is I think it is partly a bad a** four year old thing...is that good news? In any case we're going through this too...DS1 will be 4 in Sept. My sweet little lovey baby can be so obnoxious some days I wonder where the heck he came from. I feel bad because it seems like I'm always getting after him for something. So although it seems counter to what I want I try to let more things go. If its not really hurting anyone I might say something like "if you keep kicking water out of the tub your going to have to clean it up when we are done" and then not mention it again but have him be the one who cleans it when we are done.

The temper tantrums...I agree let him be as much as possible...I know when I get in a really nasty mood the last thing I would want is someone touching and talking to me.

And the whiney demanding...oh man the *whiney*demanding*...thats a daily thing for us. And it can escalate to screaming and crying fast. So I stay really calm and play a bit dumb...I'm sorry honey I really can't understand you when you are whining...maybe if you try a normal voice. Thats worked for us so far. If he is just plain demanding "I want juice NOW!" I tell him thats sure not a very nice way to ask for things. I bet it would work better if you used a nicer voice. Again so far it hasn't gone past that...hopefully it doesn't.

Also when he wants something NOW...like to go outside... and I need a couple minutes I'll tell him "okay well get your shoes and coat on and then get little brothers and help him" and that usually buys me enouogh time. Like with hockey you could tell him go find the sticks and set up the nets or whatever...

I hear ya though...its frustrating to have a sweet little baby turn into a kid thats so different but I think its all just part of establishing their independence. If you lead him through it he will realize he can be independent but kind as well.

Casey


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I didn't know you knew my son! Seriously though, a lot of that sounds familiar. Especially the repeating thing. I usually tell him that I already heard what he saie, I repeat it once and let him know when/if it is going to happen. Then, I pretty much ignore the repeating. I don't know if this is the best strategy or not, so I'll be eager to read more posts about this.

Also, on the PMS front. I get that too. It's tough because I know it has nothing to do with the children and yet it affects my mood. I make extra efforts to get excercise and "me" time during the PMS time. I know how difficult it can be.


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## Alana (Jan 4, 2005)

One thing that might help you is that around 4-4.5 boys have a HUGE testosterone surge unequaled till puberty


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