# I never wanted to be here...



## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I know. No one does. Maybe at some point I'll be strong enough to come back type out the full story of my son, but for now...

Soren Emery was born on Sunday, March 29th, 2009 at 39w5d. He was 6 lbs. 0oz., 18 inches long with ten fingers and ten toes and dark hair like his daddy. He was *so* loved and wanted and waited for. He was the first grand- and great-grandbaby on either side. We don't have answers, yet, maybe we never will. We know that he passed on before labor started, but we don't know how long or why.

Please, please tell me I wil find a way through this. Please tell me someday I won't constantly question every little thing I did or didn't do in my pregnancy. Please tell me there is a light at the end of all of this, because I can't see it.

I went through infertility treatment to concieve him. He was our miracle. He shared my body for 9+ months. And I just can't believe he's gone.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm so, so, so sorry.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Sending love and healing thoughts your way. Soren is a beautiful name for a beautiful baby. I am so sorry for your loss... its just so hard, no one prepares you for these things. And although it never gets easier, it changes and you feel like your can breathe again. Sending you, your husband, and Soren our love and healing thoughts.


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so terribly sorry.

Yes. There will be light again. It may take a long time, and that's okay - but it will happen. Really.


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## KsMum (Nov 1, 2006)

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss















Soren


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

What a horrible awful thing to happen. I am so sorry that your precious son isn't safe in your arms right now. It seems all so unbelievable doesn't it. The world should stop. Or rewind.







:

Be as kind to yourself in these first awful days as you can be. They are hard days & you just have to do what you can to make the hours pass.







:


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## ChichosMama (Aug 20, 2004)

<3 and


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Soren Emery.

What a lovely name. I am so sorry he isn't nestling in your arms right now.

I believe there is light and path through but you can't force it. The healing will come in it's own time and at it's own pace. Our daughter died nearly 6 months ago and, although life has changed forever, I'm finding fragments of joy and peace in my life.

I wish you gentle, gentle days ahead. When you're ready to tell your son's story, we'll be here to honor him with you and to support you. I have found the support of women who have walked this painful and lonely path before me to be one of the most helpful things. The women here have made an unbearable pain a little more bearable.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

What a beautiful name for your precious son. I am just heartbroken for you. I'm so sorry he isn't in your arms right now.


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## LouisianaMomma (Mar 25, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Oh mama, my heart is breaking for you....I am so deeply sorry for your loss.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry you aren't holding your sweet little boy right now. I really hate to see a new face here. It's a place that all of us wish we didn't even know existed.. but it has been a great support for me through these last months without my son. I believe that grief is different for everyone, so no one can tell you when things will start to feel normal (or better, since there is a new normal now) you will have to find that out for yourself. I can tell you that there will be happiness again. I've always tried to remember and tell myself that Dresden would not want his momma walking around a mopey mess all the time! I know he would have wanted me to have joy in my life again. Things are so fresh for you right now.. all you really need to be doing is laying on the couch sobbing and feeling your heart actually break.. mourn your son. Come here often, read other womens stories, start your own blog or even a journal (it really helps to get all your feelings out..) - those are all the things that I did, and continue to do 7 months later. Sometimes it feels like this was all a bad dream and it didn't really happen to me.. I think a lot of us feel that way. Reality sucks! I wish you all the best, and big hugs to you and your family... this horrible tragedy should NEVER happen to anyone..


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Oh mama. I wanted to be the last/latest loss from our DDC. Oh, man. I am so, so sorry. I am crying for you. The women here are wonderful. I am so sorry you are here.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Oh mama, I am heartbroken for you. My son died in labor at fullterm nearly one year ago. It is so unfair. No words of advice yet, other than to take lots of pictures if there is still time. We will be here for you when you are ready to share more.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

I wish you weren't here too...but we are all glad that you came here for support, comfort and love. i am just so sorry that you do not have soren in yor arms where he belongs. we will remember soren here. it is a safe place to tell your story. it just simply is not fair.

i am sending you strength, love, and grounding while you figure out how to live this new life.








Soren Emery


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I am SO sorry. huge huge very empathetic hugs to you. allow others to support you right now. Wish I had.

lighting a candle for your and gorgeous Soren Emery.


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

oh god no. i have no words that can help. i am so sorry for your loss.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. These ladies are awesome. We're here to support you. My heart goes out to you.







:
















Soren sounds beautiful.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Soren Emery

I am so, so sorry.







You and your family will be in my thoughts.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

My deepest sympathies for your loss and I cry with you.









This is the most horrible of losses. Grieve your son. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there one day. You'll never be the same but you'll find yourself, peace and joy again.

Don't worry about those things now. As others have said, just be patient with yourself. Give yourself and DH lots of gentle caring and be each others shoulder to cry on.

I know it is hard but when you find yourself questioning how this happened or if you could have done anything differently block those thoughts from your mind and tell yourself you are grieving your son - that's it for now, just the grief. There will be plenty of time for questions once you've gotten through the initial shock of your loss (and, moving through the shock can take a while, too, don't rush).

I'm so terribly sorry. When you're ready we're here.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Soren

What a beautiful name!

I cry reading your heartbreak. I cry because i understand and my loss is also so close and a fresh horror in my mind. I've been told you never forget. I've since seen women with babies that were lost 30+ years ago and they still cry sharing their stories with me so that i can learn from their paved way. I haven't yet accepted this... But they say even though you never forget you find a way to live with it, with him in your heart. Soren and my Milos deserve to live with us the way we had dreamed and hoped. I have no answers. Only love for you, your family and your beloved son.


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## NoelleInLove (Dec 15, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

mischievium ~ I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your dh. You will find a way and you are stronger than you ever knew. I am so sorry your having to go thru this. My thoughts and prayers are with you


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Oh no. I am so so sorry mama.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama







there is a light


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am so, so, so so sorry mama. Gosh, I am sending my most healing thoughts and my most comforting vibes, many hugs, HUGE comforting ones your way - so much love to you right now.

You will get through this. We will help you. You won't die from this. You will survive. We all stick together here and we all heal together. We do, and you will too. If there is any way in which I can help, please, PM me. I've been there and there are so many other mamas on here who have also been where you are right now, too.

*ENORMOUS hugs and so much love to you* XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, no Mama







I am so very, very sorry.

You will get through this, although I know it's next to impossible to believe now. There will be light again . . . and laughter and hope and joy.
Please, as many wise Mamas advised, just grieve the way _you_ need to.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

I think we all question - we all have "what-ifs, "should-haves" and wonder
how things might have been different - the trick is just not to let that way
of thinking consume you.

I lost my son almost 22 months ago from a cord accident during labor.
Though I will grieve his loss for the rest of my life, the pain and sadness are
tolerable now . . . sort of just like a part of who I am now . . . not the primary emotions that define my life, as they were in the first several months, but - an added layer, a new perspective, a deeper empathy for others, a keener appreciation of the beautiful things in this world
. . . a tangible gift from my little lost boy.








Soren Emery


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## clicksab (Oct 15, 2006)

Soren Emery


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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

oh no.







I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son Soren. I lost my daughter at 39 weeks to an umbilical cord accident. I searched endlessly for other women who'd been through something simliar, and begged for hope that one day I wouldn't wake up wishing I were dead. Days dragged on and all I could do was wait and see healing in other moms and pray that one day, it would be me.

This was September of 2007. It feels like ages ago in some ways, and in others, like yesterday. I want to tell you that yes, you will get to a point of feeling like you can get through the day, and truly believe there will be hope, and you will want to live again. I don't know when that will be, it's so different for everyone. For me, it was around 3 months before I felt at all like I could possibly want to survive. I found tremendous support in groups like this, and other web groups.

When no one else understood, or said all the wrong things, I found these places a godsend. Know that we are here with you, crying and grieving your sweet boy beside you. You do not walk alone. Sometimes, a hug from another mom who knows just how deep your pain is, how unimaginable the loss of losing a child is, can be a really comforting thing. I'm so very sorry.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

So sorry for your loss


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm sorry to read of the loss of your little one. Please return here when you have the strength. We are here to support you.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Oh my goodness, my eyes are filled with tears for you. I am so sorry, mama!!! So incredibly unfair.







Sending you love.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

so so sorry for your loss mama ..Healing energy is being sent your way.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I know neither of us wanted to be here. I feel thrust into something... and it's a very dark place. The only comfort, and it's cold, is knowing there are others who have walked this path and survived. That is a glimmer of hope...

It's helped me to share it. I don't know why, but it has. Writing has always been cathartic for me. I express myself in words better than any other medium. My emotions sometimes seem to flow through my fingertips.

I hope you are finding a way to let it out.

I hear ripping up phone books works wonders for despair...







I could use a stack... or two...


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.









Soren is such a beautiful name. If you ever feel ready to share pictures of your son I know we all would love to see them. Just because you don't have your baby in your arms does not mean you aren't a proud mother who wishes to share him. That was a tough thing for me. I wanted to share my daughter and I felt uncomfortable sharing her picture with friends and family IRL.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry.









Soren is such a beautiful name. If you ever feel ready to share pictures of your son I know we all would love to see them. Just because you don't have your baby in your arms does not mean you aren't a proud mother who wishes to share him. That was a tough thing for me. I wanted to share my daughter and I felt uncomfortable sharing her picture with friends and family IRL.

Yes. Thank you for posting this.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

We are going to pick up the pictures from the photographer today. We're also then going to the funeral home to make some arrangements for Soren. Thank you, Apecaut, I remember looking at your pictures of Calliope, I will post them when I can.

Everything is just so hard right now. I just was released from the hospital yesterday and every place I go, the last time I was there, I was pregnant with Soren. We're staying with my mom for a few days until we feel ready to go home. My mom and brothers went over to our house two nights ago and put away most of the baby stuff. We were so ready to welcome this little baby into our lives. Even hearing the word "spring" is so hard because I was waiting all through winter to have my spring baby. And now spring is here and my baby isn't.

I'm having a rough morning, guys. This is so hard.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry. I remember all too well the empty feeling..going places where just days before I was pregnant w/my little boy..going home to all his things. It's so hard. You and your family are in my thoughts. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk or need anything.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mischievium* 
We are going to pick up the pictures from the photographer today. We're also then going to the funeral home to make some arrangements for Soren. Thank you, Apecaut, I remember looking at your pictures of Calliope, I will post them when I can.

Everything is just so hard right now. I just was released from the hospital yesterday and every place I go, the last time I was there, I was pregnant with Soren. We're staying with my mom for a few days until we feel ready to go home. My mom and brothers went over to our house two nights ago and put away most of the baby stuff. We were so ready to welcome this little baby into our lives. Even hearing the word "spring" is so hard because I was waiting all through winter to have my spring baby. And now spring is here and my baby isn't.

I'm having a rough morning, guys. This is so hard.


Oh Mama, I'm so right there with you, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. We went to the funeral home today too. I held him one last time. There was so much more closure in it than at the hospital... I think because I'm no longer in that numb state of shock. The grief is real now.

I told my family that they were not to remove or touch any baby things at my house under any circumstances. I needed to see them, touch them. We're all different, I know.

I feel the same... I could have written your post... Spring feels like an enemy now, anathema to me. I'd rather have the hard, bleak chill of February back. Time moves and I resent it.

I'm so glad you got pictures. Mine have been such a comfort to me, and sharing them has been a gift. I can't wait to see your beautiful boy. I was so glad to hear you were planning to share them with us.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so sorry.


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