# Grandchild favouritism



## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

I'm not sure if this is in the correct place, if not please move it!

Is there anyone else out there who is dealing with this?

To make a long story short, DH's dad and stepmother favour his stepsister's daughter - it's incredibly obvious to us, and while our daughters don't seem to be aware of it yet I'm wondering what to say to them when they do clue in.

Stepsister's DD (and stepsister) get everything handed to them on a plate. They've been given plenty of money, presents, time and other things from FIL and stepMIL. The worst part is that they do these things in front of my children without even thinking about it.

For Easter, we showed up at their house while Stepsister's DD was riding the new bike that they had bought her. They've paid for all of her dance, swimming classes, preschool classes and everything else. They've put money into RESPs for her.

I'm really struggling with it all. It's not the money, it's really the principle of it, and DH and I have discussed it at length with my SIL (his biological sister) who also sees the favouritism. I've told DH that he needs to say something to his father or I will end up saying something I regret - soon.

We've even tried to avoid going over for Stepsister's DD's birthday this year because we see all of the things they buy for her while my DD's get a piece of clothing that never fits and I always end up returning. I dread Christmas.

To make it clear - Stepsister's DD wants for nothing, except to maybe spend more time with her mother. On any given day or night she could be staying at five different places because her mother is a police officer. At first I thought FIL and StepMIL were trying to overcompensate for the fact that she rarely sees her mother by spending all of this money on her, but it's been pointed out to me by DH and SIL that even they were treated unequally for years before Stepsister's DD came along, so it just seems to keep going. Stepsister is financially stable as far as we are concerned.

How do I deal with this? I really hope I don't come across as shallow, because I'm really not that kind of person. I don't want my children to equate love with money and material things, but I know that at one point they're going to realize that the other child does a lot more things with their grandparents and gets a lot more material things. Do I need to try and nip this in the bud now? I want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents, but how do I do that? I'm getting really resentful, which of course I don't mention around them.

Oh, and as a sidenote, my children are 4 and 2. The child I'm talking about is also 4, but 5 months older than my eldest.

I'd appreciate any insight into this.


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## adoremybabe (Jun 8, 2006)

I deal with this as well but not as greatly as you do.

Right now there are 4 grandchildren on Dh's side. Two are ours and two belong to Dh's brother. Their 2 boys are favored over ours. At birthdays in their family the non'birthday boy will get a gift from the grandparents so as to not feel left out. My own children have never been the recipient of such a gift. At Christmas time gift giving is a bit out of balance. Just enough for me and Dh to notice.

There have been a couple of instances where my children were brushed off for one of the other boys. Recently Dh's sister was downright cold to my oldest when we were visiting. Dh brought it up with me later and he thinks that it is because the day before, at a family reunion, my DS was pushed over by his cousin and the cousin got into trouble.

I see ALL of this as very immature and while it does bother me. I will never bring attention to it publicly. I am above that. If it continues, my children with notice it when they get old enough. I will deal with it then.

Those kids of things do not show real love. In our case, the parents of the boys are too dense to see anything. At least your the mother of this little girl sees it.

Try your best to over look the ridiculousness and put yourself in a higher place.

Just want to add, in no way do I see you as a shallow person. Things like this can be very hurtful and as parents we want to protect our childen from being treated unfairly.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

So this is your husband's father's wife, right? What does your husband think about all of this? As much as I would want to say something, it's his dad, and I think your DH needs to step up and address this issue with his dad.

I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Thank you for your responses. Yes, it's DH's dad. I know he needs to do something about it, and he knows too.

To be honest, I think he's struggling with the fact that his dad has flaws and is having a hard time understanding why his own father would be this way to his own grandchildren. We're both despise confrontation, and to add to it he's a massive procrastinator.


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## PhoenixMommaToTwo (Feb 22, 2006)

Oh boy, do we deal with this. Dh's mom hates boys. And I'm really not kidding. My dd is her favorite in every way to the point that she ignores ds or punishes him for stupid things and lets dd get away with everything. Dd is 6 and ds is 3. She carries dd around like a baby and when ds asks for a turn, she tells him no, because he's too big







. Ds2 is 5 months old and she's already starting with him. It's sad because ds1 is a very sensitive boy and his feelings are very easily hurt. He's starting to not want to be around grandma.

But, my dh doesn't put up with it anymore. He's confronted her on it and he calls her on it every time she starts acting this way. He's told her that if she wants the kids in her life, then she needs to start treating them the same. She doesn't like it, but she knows that if she doesn't change, she's not going to see the kids. I agree with pp's that is your dh's place to deal with it. I had to back out of the situation and let dh deal with it in our case, because when I said something, it was me being the difficult daughter-in-law, but when dh said something, they had to listen, if that made any sense. I'm sorry your kids are dealing with this. It's not just the financial aspect of it, there's a lot of emotional issues that come from a situation like this. I hope that something changes for them.


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

yes. my mom favors my sisters daughter. Sis was preg. in high school, married the father then divorced him a few years later. So I figure my mom favors my niece because she feels she needs MORE (more love, more things) than my kids. But it still does hurt. I just hope I can raise my dc in such a way that they will see past the selfishness or charity (depending on how you look at it) and love thier grandma for other qualities.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Is it possible that your DH's Dad doesn't realize what's going on? It could be that the SM is just really involved with her daughter's kid and the grandfather is oblivious. Might be worth having a non-accusatory conversation with DH's Dad about how lopsided stuff has gotten.


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## GAjenn (Jan 28, 2009)

We have the fav grandchild and it is hard for us knowing that it hurts my brother, his wife, and his older kids that realize it. They spend $150 on her birthday and $20 on theirs. I mentioned it before and my Dad admitted it. He has introduced my DD as his favorite! Because they have 4 kids they are treated like a brood and we have one, she is a princess. I'm at a loss. Your other family probably knows, we do.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Some people are completely oblivious to this. I was subjected to this my entire life from my father (favoring my sister) - and then when he remarried when I was 15, her kids and grandkids (and nieces and nephews) ALL came before me.

TBH, pointing it out made no difference to him. He couldn't/wouldn't see it. When my DH called him up to tell him he was going to be a grandpa (first bio-grandchild) and he couldn't even muster a "congratulations"... that was one of the last straws. For my own sanity and the sake of my children, I wound up cutting them off.

I put up with the inequity for 30 years before I finally stood up for myself. I really wish there had been someone to point it out / stand up for me earlier. It did some serious damage to my self-esteem that has taken years of therapy to even start to change. You *see* the inequity now. Don't count on your children ever mentioning it. They may, they may not. Waiting for them to say something allows it to continue, and erode their self-esteem in the meantime. Stand up for your kids - even if that means limiting their exposure. Teach them that it's not okay with you that they're treated that way. While they may never thank you for it in so many words, not having to deal with a lifetime of self-esteem issues is a reward all of it's own.








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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

As a former grandchild who was the non favored one, PLEASE don't ignore this problem or think the kids don't realize.

They will realize it long before you think they do, and it is a very bad feeling to think you there must be somethign wrong with you.

Someone needs to be straight with the grandparents. Either treat the kids fairly when the family is together or the family will not be together.

Exposing kids to unhealthy relatives is not doing them any favors. You can build relationships with neighbors, extended family members etc to give them the benefits of having multigeneration relationships.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts and it's stupid that adults act thios way. I hope you can resolve it without having to resort to cutting them out or limiting them drastically from your lives.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

karemore, I'm so sorry you went through that. Your post made me cry. I really don't want my girls to go through the same thing.









It's tough - FIL is really good with them when they're around them. They enjoy going over. It's all of the other things that DH and I know about that angers me. FIL and StepMIL are always compare her to my eldest, even though she's 5 months younger and was born at 31 weeks.

StepMIL is living on her own planet anyway, so I really could care less if they had anything to do with her.

They always get very excited when StepMIL gives them the other child's old clothes that she bought for her in the first place. It almost feels like a slap in the face, I mean I know I should be grateful but I have a hard time accepting them when they're constantly buying new things for the other child.

I grew up not having grandparents around, so although I haven't experienced it myself it all just feels so wrong. It's not supposed to be like this.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

My question would be when did StepMIL become StepMIL? If your DH was already a grownup, then she probably doesn't feel any "mothering" role to him. My mom got remarried about 5 years ago and I don't consider her wife to be my "stepmother." I like my mom's wife, but she never "mothered" me. She is ds grandmother too, and loves him a lot and has no bio kids of her own, but I don't think she considers herself *my* mom in anyway.

I would assume StepMIL, if she came into the picture after your DH had grown up, as not "mothering" your DH but "mothering" her daughter. She probably sees your dh as her "husband's son" and therefore lavious more on *her* daughter and granddaugther.

I'm not saying ignore it or that it doesn't matter, but I would look and see *who* is spending all this money, FIL? or StepMIL? If its StepMIL she may not feel that her "maternal role/ grandmaternal role" is needed/expected/appropriate etc.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

karemore- what do you think the parents could do? I could really, really use your advice. What do you wish your parents had done? Do you really think a confrontation would have helped, or was it so damaging that you wish they would have limited contact more? I was a favored grandchild (my grandmother also didn't like boys, I was the only girl), and did not notice, though the favoring grandparent died when I was 8, so maybe before it would have been clear to me. Now, my IL's favor their daughter's children- M and S. Not exactly monetarily (a little, but it's not too bad, and explainable by differing circumstances), but in words and deeds. Sending out pictures of M to all their acquaintences, never of my kids. Saying as soon as my kids get off the plane for a visit "oh, how I wish M was here! She was just saying X the other day!" and going on and on. Whenever we go to tell stories about our kids, getting defensive and competitive about the favorites, continually extolling the virtues of M and S (spunky, extroverted, must be smart since so difficult, doesn't listen=strong willed) with pretty obvious derision of my kids (very well behaved=no spunk, able to read young=hothoused by their mother(me), not true "smarts" since not spunky, introverted so not "confident" like favorite granddaughter.).

None of us live in the same state, just as an fyi. It's not a local/distant relative issue.

I don't mean to write a screed of complaints, I just want to explain the situation clearly so someone can give me some ideas. It's because of me- the IL tolerate and are perfectly civil to me, but don't like me a lot. I don't like the favoritism, obviously, but accept that I can't really change them and don't need to. I do, however, want to protect my children as much as possible. They are such amazing little people, and don't deserve to have relatives who tell them constantly how "second best" they are. It's hard enough to get your footing without that, you know?

Any ideas from any of you would be very much appreciated.


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## LizLizard (Jul 16, 2007)

We're starting to go through this, only I have the only 2 grandkids for my parents and my mom obviously treats the youngest worse than the oldest. I am 100% positive it's because they don't like my husband, and my youngest looks just like my husband whereas the oldest looks just like me. It sounds shallow, but that's just how my mom is.







She's already saying that my youngest is going to be my problem child, is "slow" (she's not walking yet, big deal) and is going to be fat - I don't know where she gets the fat thing from... just another insult I guess. I should add my youngest is the happiest, sweetest, most EASY baby ever. She's super awesome.

For my oldest's 1st birthday, they drove out to visit, brought presents, etc. My youngest's birthday was this weekend - no present, no card, no visit, no nothing. Just a call saying they wouldn't be buying her anything. I don't care about the material things, just the thoughts behind it... or no thought, as the case may be.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Is there a big standard of living difference between your family and your stepsister IL's family?


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

tbone, you're correct. StepMIL became so when DH was 22, so she's been married to his dad for about 11 years.

She calls DH her 'son'. I think I feel much more resentment towards his father because he allows it to go on.

He may just be oblivious to it all, but he's also one of the one's who's always talking about how wonderful S (the child) is, and how smart she is. Our girls can't do anything without him telling us about something else that S can do. Non-family members have noticed it too.

There really isn't a huge standard of living difference between us. Stepsister-in-law certainly isn't rich, but she manages. I'm not sure how well she really does, because FIL and StepMIL talked about all of the money they had put away for stepsister.

She also has a boyfriend now who is also a police officer. I think they're looking at buying a house together.


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## gen25gen (Dec 29, 2004)

We have experienced this and I feel your pain. Its a very difficult thing to endure. Its one thing when its favoritism among adult kids, but when it effects YOUR children, well then they have just unleashed mama warrior







.

In my situation, its from my inlaws. They have been the source of many marital arguments and frustrations. If it were my own family I would be frank and confront them. This is my inlaw family and my husband is just not the type of person who would do direct confrontation to his mother. So I have bided my time. We've largely handled it by stepping back and not participating with much of anything with them. If MIL (FIL is no longer with us, passed away) wants to see my kids then she needs to call and come to us. We do see them on the holidays a few times a year and even then, a little goes a long way. I don't make much effort at all. The whole situation frustrates me and drives me crazy.

Big hugs! I know how darn irritating it truly is. My only advice is you do have the power in how often you see them. If you feel comfortable with direct confrontation, I would urge you to take that route...use a lot of "when you do this, it makes me feel like this" kind of statements and try to avoid saying "you always and you never" (even if they always and never







).

Best,
Gen


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

We've dealt with this too and it seems to only get worse. Within my kids there was/is favoritism and I demanded that if you do for one you do for all, otherwise don't bother. But now a cousin has been added to the mix and even though there is some physical distance between us and the grandparents and not so much with the cousin, it's not enough to justify the disparate treatment. Part of me wants my kids to see it for what it is- someone who cares about others more than them for no apparent good reason, but I also don't want to set my kids up for trying to earn the gp's love and continuous trying to become as lovable as the cousin.

That being said, I was the favorite growing up and it always made me feel uncomfortable because there was no reason for it. I always felt bad for my bro because he wasn't the favorite and to this day remains some resentment/disconnect in our relationship because I was the favorite and he was not.

My approach is to limit contact as much as possible and to not go out of our way to get together as well as not making excuses for the gps' treatment. We've also stopped hosting "family" birthday parties (since attendance at some and not the others caused hurt feelings all around)- now we only celebrate with the family that lives within these 4 walls.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

I'm just curious though, if I get the question "Why does Grammy and Grandpa love S more than us?" how am I supposed to respond?









Thanks again for everyone's insight. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there! I'm also very grateful for my own parents -they're wonderful with the girls.

DH's mother and Stepfather live in Mexico so we only see them once a year, but they're really good with the girls too when they're up here.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes, we have this issue too.

My MIL (who I KNOW loves my DS (2yr)) will NOT put a picture of him in her house. Now, that being said she has 6 other grandkids. There are photos of all of them all over the house. When we go over she takes him on a tour of his cousins... showing them all of their pictures which I swear sometimes is just to rub it in. You know what she finally decided to do? Tape our x-mas card up on a mirror. (our card was a picture of DS dressed as santa) What's on the table in front of the mirror, in the foyer, when you first walk in the house? About a dozen large framed photos of the other grandkids. Nice, eh?

I've come to the conclusion that MIL has some issue with ME and not DS and the only way she can act out on her issue with me is to do things like this.

And DH is also not one to confront his mom. So there is nothign said.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moaningminny* 
They always get very excited when StepMIL gives them the other child's old clothes that she bought for her in the first place. It almost feels like a slap in the face, I mean I know I should be grateful but I have a hard time accepting them when they're constantly buying new things for the other child.

That's how it always went with clothes in our family - the oldest got new, the rest got handmedowns. Not the end of the world, and it obviously doesn't bother your kids.

It's your ILs choice how to spend their money. There is pretty much no way you can bring this up without it sounding like "Spend more money on my kids".

If it were me, I would just let it go.


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## ghostlykisses (Sep 27, 2007)

Oh boy do we ever deal with this. My Mother-in-law favors my youngest son who is her biological grandchild. My DH has had to speak to her on a couple occasions because she does big things for his birthday but barely anything for our daughter. Our dd is not my husband's biologically but he has raised her as his own since she was an infant. She does not know any other father. We won't even get into how she treats me sons from my first marriage. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moaningminny* 
To be honest, I think he's struggling with the fact that his dad has flaws and is having a hard time understanding why his own father would be this way to his own grandchildren. We're both despise confrontation...

Does his dad also hate confrontation? I've seen a dynamic play out in my extended family that has little to do with how the parent in question feels about his child...and a lot to do with how his wife feels about the child, and the parent's lack of willingness to confront his wife. I'm not saying that's okay - just that it may not have much, if anything, to do with how your FIL feels about your kids vs. his stepdaughter and her kids. He may just not be willing to confront his wife.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

But does anybody have any other advice for those of us with disfavored grandchildren? My eldest has already started asking why grandma likes M more than her. I agree it's a difficult issue to bring up. The most obvious examples tend to be monetary, and we all know how discussing family and money goes down. And the others- constant comparison, fawning- people get defensive when you bring that up, and it's a hard habit to curb. These are so ingrained in the nature of the relationship, but on the other hand there are some small habits they could break that would make such a huge difference. If grandma would just stop moaning *immediately* upon seeing my children that M isn't there, that could help a lot, for example.

I am sort of contemplating telling DD(when she's a little older, but then again maybe not if she's already being hurt) that her dad's family just doesn't know how to value men as members of the family(which is what is going on- it's a crazy homogenous, matriarchal family, with all the women who have married in having a very, very hard time), and it's terribly sad, to treat people, your own children and family, so differently just because of their gender. But that is obviously crazy heavy for a 5 year old, and really I just want her to be able to have a nice grandma who loves her. Argh.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Some of you put up with a lot more crap than I ever would.

I suspect that my MIL has favorites. But she doesn't go out of her way to be blatantly obvious and cruel about it. Neither would my mom, if there were other grandchildren besides my kids.

I don't really care what issues your husband has about his dad. It is not about him, now. These people are hurting innocent children. They are not even trying to disguise their favortism. I also don't care if there is a big financial difference between you and StepSIL. I mean, they could give extra things when your kids are not around. They don't have to be so RUDE and obvious about it.

Here is what I would do. I would tell my husband that he is to put a stop to this. If he won't, then I would handle it myself. I would let FIL know that the crap stops now. That if they cannot make more of an effort, then your family will not be seeing them anymore. I don't care if they are "family". You are not obligated to see them. You are not obligated to do anything for them.

Barnmama, the photo thing is just bizarre and so cruel. I would not give her another one, nor would my child be visiting, ever again. What will happen when your child is old enough to ask why Grandma doesn't have his picture framed and displayed?

My question is, why are these MILs and moms so nasty?

And I am sorry for sounding so harsh. I just get tired of people thinking it is okay to act so nasty and rude.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Some of you put up with a lot more crap than I ever would.

I suspect that my MIL has favorites. But she doesn't go out of her way to be blatantly obvious and cruel about it. Neither would my mom, if there were other grandchildren besides my kids.

I don't really care what issues your husband has about his dad. It is not about him, now. These people are hurting innocent children.

At least as of now, it does not sound like the OP's kids are being hurt. They are perfectly happy with the hand me down clothes, and may well continue not to equate presents and material things with love. The OP is the one who is hurting.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

My siblings and I were the unfavored grandchildren and my father's brother's children were the favored ones. My grandmother doted on them and treated us like unwanted lepers. She skimped on gifts, limited visits, and constantly gushed about our cousins whenever she saw us. All of this was because she strongly disliked my mother.

My mother is not a likable person, but taking it out on us was very wrong.

When I got married, DH and I had a small destination wedding in a foreign country. We invited our parents, siblings, and my maternal grandparents (his grandparents were too old to travel and attend). My father asked me to invite his mother and I absolutely refused. The woman hadn't bothered to contact me in over a decade and I wasn't going to invite her to such an intimate affair just to assuage his guilt. And I'm very glad I didn't (not that she would have attended, anyway).

My parents shouldn't have exposed us to my grandmother's favoritism. We internalized the idea that we weren't as valuable as our cousins, and one of my earliest memories is of running up to hug my grandmother and her just standing there, not hugging me back. It was wounding and awful and I would tell these favoritizing grandparents that they either accept all of my children and treat them with love and respect, or they don't get to see them anymore. There's simply no excuse to treat a child in such a deeply hurtful manner.

And make no mistake: your little ones will remember that you allowed this to go on. I sure do. They never stood up for us, not even once. It's no surprise that I'm totally estranged from both of them now (the grandmother thing isn't the only reason, of course, but it sure is symptomatic of the wider family dysfunction).

I'm sorry for any mamas who are going through this, but you need to put a stop to it and now. They may not notice yet, but they will, and probably sooner than you realize.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Well, if they were both your kids and one was being favored, I'd say don't let them see the grandparents anymore. As is, tell your kids that step-gma isn't really their gma and she's the one with the money.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

here is my take on it. My dad married my stepmom when I was 28. My stepmom spends a lot of time and energy on her grandkids - to the point where she moved herself and my dad from the east coast (where we live) to the west coast so she could be closer to her grandchildren.

However, my stepmom is NOT my children's grandmother. I have no right to expect equal treatment from her for my children. And we do not receive equal treatment from her - heck, she babysits her grandkids for free once a week plus buys them tons of stuff. But that is her right - her money, her decisions.

Now, my dad IS my kids' grandfather. So he does need to act like one to his grandkids - and he does, but more in the "write a check" kind of way than free babysitting or anything. He loves his grandkids a lot, but he just has less to offer than my stepmom can offer her grandkids.

your dh's stepmother is NOT your child's grandmother. At least she is not acting like a grandmother to your children. Your dh was 22 when she became his stepmother. at that age, expecting a family relationship is I think a big stretch.

It is more complicated if all the gifts from StMIL and FIL to her grandkids are presented as from both of them (rather than just from her). But as a PP pointed out, your StMIL is probably 90%+ responsible for the purchasing decisions for gifts and the like. And she just doesn't see you and your kids as family, at least not as close as her own grandkids.

Your FIL is either clueless or also has delegated "family duties" to his wife, failing to recognize that her preferences and needs are not the same as his (as it would be if his wife and the mother of his kids were the same person).

Good luck with it all.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
As is, tell your kids that step-gma isn't really their gma and she's the one with the money.

what she said.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Quote:

It is more complicated if all the gifts from StMIL and FIL to her grandkids are presented as from both of them (rather than just from her).
And that's part of the problem. Everything IS from the two of them. She likes to pretend that she's their grandmother but she doesn't act like she really is. S even gets presents from the dogs!

My FIL is Grandpa to S - he treats her just as though she's his biological grandchild, only better.

I'm not really sure at what point I would let them know that Gma "isn't really" their Gma, because as far as they're concerned she is. I wouldn't know how to approach that, and even if I tell them she has the money and she makes the decisions it doesn't give my FIL a free pass. How do I explain the lack of time and interest that my FIL has for them?

Again, I do feel a lot more resentful towards FIL. They're his biological grandchildren and I do feel he should grow a set and become the grandfather to my children that he is to his step-grandchild.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

on my dh's side I have the only grandchildren but my mil favors my oldest and treats the rest of my kids inferior it beyond angers me she esp treats my other dd bad and excludes her and the only conclusion I can come up with is that she looks exactly like me and her and I have had issues in the past. the issues were basically that she would passive aggressively treat me like crap and then I would call her out on it and she would deny it @@ ! ahh so much drama and its stupid! My SIL who is 33 btw and a teacher who makes a very successful living as she works for the department of defense and lives in germany traveling all over europe any time she pleases (she is CF) and they pay their teachers very well I might add but she is very jealous of my kids when MIL buys them things or brags about them. When my mil made a comment about enjoying our kids on her myspace my SIL wrote under it "OH I SEE HOW IT IS" who the heck does that? can we say childish! SIL also in tune with MIL favors my oldest and I get sick of it, all of my kids are entitled to feel special imo.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

We have that problem at times as well. I have two girls and my DH's younger sister has one daughter. His sister's daughter gets treated like a little princess by everyone in his family. To the point where one of his siblings told me it wasn't like my girls were actually their nieces since they didn't get to spend any time with them (my BIL is a butt sometimes, hes upset that we live in a different country from DH's family).
Im sure there is a lot of factors that play into it. One, we live in Japan, they live in the states. Our families haven't even been able to met our youngest and won't until shes over 2 years old. My SIL is divorced and spends very little time nurturing her daughter. Her ex only cares about the girl when he can mess with my SIL. So basically she has no parental guidance. SIL's daughter has lived with my In-laws off and on since birth. My other SILs and BIL don't agree with how I parent so it puts a wedge between us.

Still its not easy. I love my in-laws and I know they love the girls. Its just they don't show it. Im hoping when we move back to the states next year things will improve. Or we will all have to sit down and have a talk about it.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 

I'm sorry for any mamas who are going through this, but you need to put a stop to it and now. They may not notice yet, but they will, and probably sooner than you realize.










my husband calls my mil (his mom) out on it and says things to my mil all the time and so do I when the situation is at hand I can assure you







. I dont cut them off because it wouldnt be fair to my FIL or great grandmother in law, because basically if I cut MIL off they wouldnt see the kids either and I have no beef with fil or GGMIL. So we just tolerate her and call her out on it in front of everyone when she does it. She does get mad, but oh well! She usually knocks it off or makes an excuse afterwards that I dont buy for a minute but she knows we wont tolerate it







and our kids see that we wont either







.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I think that's great, hippiemomma. It shows your children that you're willing to stand up for them and won't tolerate your MIL's behavior.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

My favorite advice columnist recently dealt with an issue similar to what a few people on this thread are experiencing. Maybe this will help:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...080201929.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...201929_pf.html

It's the August 3rd column, in case you have to register or something.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
At least as of now, it does not sound like the OP's kids are being hurt. They are perfectly happy with the hand me down clothes, and may well continue not to equate presents and material things with love. The OP is the one who is hurting.


The kids will end up hurt. It has nothing to do with equating material things with love. IMHO, there is no love when things are so obvious and flaunted in the faces of the OP, her husband and their kids.

I know that things cannot always be equal, down the middle, and "fair". But, come on. This is really "in your face" and obvious.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
here is my take on it. My dad married my stepmom when I was 28. My stepmom spends a lot of time and energy on her grandkids - to the point where she moved herself and my dad from the east coast (where we live) to the west coast so she could be closer to her grandchildren.

However, my stepmom is NOT my children's grandmother. I have no right to expect equal treatment from her for my children. And we do not receive equal treatment from her - heck, she babysits her grandkids for free once a week plus buys them tons of stuff. But that is her right - her money, her decisions.

Now, my dad IS my kids' grandfather. So he does need to act like one to his grandkids - and he does, but more in the "write a check" kind of way than free babysitting or anything. He loves his grandkids a lot, but he just has less to offer than my stepmom can offer her grandkids.

your dh's stepmother is NOT your child's grandmother. At least she is not acting like a grandmother to your children. Your dh was 22 when she became his stepmother. at that age, expecting a family relationship is I think a big stretch.

It is more complicated if all the gifts from StMIL and FIL to her grandkids are presented as from both of them (rather than just from her). But as a PP pointed out, your StMIL is probably 90%+ responsible for the purchasing decisions for gifts and the like. And she just doesn't see you and your kids as family, at least not as close as her own grandkids.

Your FIL is either clueless or also has delegated "family duties" to his wife, failing to recognize that her preferences and needs are not the same as his (as it would be if his wife and the mother of his kids were the same person).

Good luck with it all.

Okay.

I "get" that one might show a little more attention and give a little more to one's bio-grandkids and kids. But, there is no reason to be so rude and obvious about it. It is kind of like giving your child a popsicle, and not their friend, who is visiting, IMHO.

Why would this woman want to hurt innocent kids? Why would this FIL allow it? Is MIL so powerful that he is more afraid of her than losing his grandkids?

When my mom and step-dad got married (he is deceased) she made sure that his kids and grandkids got gifts when he got too sick to do it. She would sometimes give my children more things when we visited. However, we did not flaunt it, nor was it done in front of the other grandkids. Ever.

My MIL has always treated step-grands like the rest of the grandkids, at the family gatherings, etc. She might do a little more for one kid or another, at different times, but she would never hurt a child in order to do that.

Regarding another post: I would not feel that it was punishing FIL to cut off MIL. I am sure he could see his grandkids if he truly wanted, no matter what MIL thought or said. I know I cannot stop my husband if he is bent on doing something.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

OP - This is going to ramble but here I go:

*What type of relationship does your DH have with his father? Were they close growing up? Was he (your FIL) comfortable being a dad?*

I ask because my DH did not have a good relationship with his mother, they weren't close and she certainly wasn't comfortable being a parent.

Yet, she is like a 2nd mom to her step-grand kids. There are many reasons and I would put that fact that there is less "stuff" between her and the step-kids at the top of the list. I think the better relationship with the step-children sets her (emotionally) free to be a good grandparent to the steps.

Another reason is, quite simply the step-grandkids need her financially and emotionally. I think she feels sorry for them and enjoys being able to help them.

Now I will flip over to my side of the family. I have a step father that I consider to be my dad. We have a great relationship and are very close.

He had 3 children with his first wife. He divorced the mother and had very little involvement in his children's lives. Relationships developed when the kids were adults.

His bio kids were grown (early 20's) by the time me and my mom came along. While my mother enjoyed her step grandkids (all born after they married) her relationship with them is no where near the level it is with my DS, her grandson.

While it may be unfortunate/unfair, it all stems from my dad's relationship with his other kids.

My mom made sure that the step grandkids had gifts and cards for birthdays and holidays and made a point to include them in activities she knew they would enjoy. That is where her sense of responsibility ended.

As for my dad's relations with his own grandchildren - he is content to call them once in a while, send a few gifts but honestly doesn't go out of his way to accomodate them. I do honestly feel my DS gets the lion's share of attention and gifts.

(Because of the age difference and geography, it has never been an issue. My step siblings kids would have no idea that DS gets _more_.)

If your DH and FIL didn't have a good relationship, I could see how his relationship with your children could be harder than the relationship with the step-grandkids. It isn't right/fair/ok by any stretch, it just is the way things go sometimes.

If they did have a good relationship, it makes your situation 2x as sh*tty.

I could also see how a mother would have a much stronger relationship with her own daughter's kids than the children on her adult stepson.

No matter what, the grandparents should NOT be blantantly favoring one grandchild over the other. It is sad that it is happening.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Does his dad also hate confrontation? I've seen a dynamic play out in my extended family that has little to do with how the parent in question feels about his child...and a lot to do with how his wife feels about the child, and the parent's lack of willingness to confront his wife. I'm not saying that's okay - just that it may not have much, if anything, to do with how your FIL feels about your kids vs. his stepdaughter and her kids. He may just not be willing to confront his wife.

I really don't know if he hates confrontation. I've never really witnessed or heard about a situation where he would need to be confrontational about something. He's not afraid to voice his opinion in discussions with his wife - I've definitely witnessed that. His wife isn't particularly overbearing, just really annoying, at least to me.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 
*What type of relationship does your DH have with his father? Were they close growing up? Was he (your FIL) comfortable being a dad?*

I've never had the impression that they were really close, but DH has never complained about his childhood. He seems to have fond memories of growing up and doing things with his dad. His parents divorced when he was 18.

I personally don't find his dad particularly easy to talk to. When we do talk, things seem superficial. I've never really felt like I could be myself around him, but I'm not sure if that's partially because the StepMIL can be very condescending and can give me the feeling that I'm being talked down to.

You know what one of the most frustrating parts of this is? DH and SIL state that they themselves were 'victims' of favouritism, although not to the same extent.







My FIL's parents apparently favoured some of their other cousins. Nothing of course was done about it, and to be honest because of that I feel there's an element of "that's the way it's supposed to be", or "there's nothing you can do about it, you just have to deal with it".

This all goes back to the pre-grandchildren stage, where Stepsister was noted to be the favourite anyway. From the moment we found out she was pregnant we assumed that her daughter was going to be the favourite.

There are other things too. They had said they would put some money towards our wedding, but we never received a dime. If they would have said from the get go that they couldn't that would have been perfectly fine - but nothing was ever said about it, we just never received any from them. Stepsister is in her first serious relationship since getting divorced and we know that if she ends up getting married again the money for the wedding will be talked about in front of us - they really don't care about discussing that sort of thing.

I am married to a wonderful man who is a fantastic father, this is really the only thing that has come up since we've been together that we're struggling with. I think this is turning into a vent more than anything else. Thanks for listening.


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## gen25gen (Dec 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moaningminny* 
I'm just curious though, if I get the question "Why does Grammy and Grandpa love S more than us?" how am I supposed to respond?









This is tough, but this is where I think you handle it tactfully but you do your kid no benefit by not being honest.

I would first and foremost distance yourself and your children from grammy and grandpa. The less you are around them, the less your children will think of them as superheros nor will you be as aware of all the cool stuff and attention Grammy and Grandpa are giving the other grandchildren. You'll also take loads of frustration off your shoulders because you are no longer juggling your schedule or your family to accommodate these insensitive people.

Next, I would focus on Grammy and Grandpa love you very much. However, I don't agree with the way they do XYZ for other grandchildren and not you. If it makes you feel better the next time we see them you may ask them why they do this. Finally you know mommy and daddy love you and you are so special. If Grammy and Grandpa aren't spending as much time with you, it is their loss......and focus on that kind of stuff.

Honestly though, I'd just limit contact as much as possible. Its our job as parents to protect our kids. they are still at an age where you can protect them from this sort of dysfunctional relationship.

Gen


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I think it is important to remember that no relationship is "equal". My MIL seems to favor my neices in some ways, but they live closer to her, and honestly--it is her right to behave how she wants to with her grandkids. I don't get the feeling that everything has to "equal"--it seems to be a unattainable goal, and nothing that is necessarily deserved.

If your child is asking why grandma and grandpa loves S more, I would tell them that that each person loves differently, and love cannot be measured in that way.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think it is important to remember that no relationship is "equal". My MIL seems to favor my neices in some ways, but they live closer to her, and honestly--it is her right to behave how she wants to with her grandkids. I don't get the feeling that everything has to "equal"--it seems to be a unattainable goal, and nothing that is necessarily deserved.

If your child is asking why grandma and grandpa loves S more, I would tell them that that each person loves differently, and love cannot be measured in that way.

This really sums it up. Op's step MIL has a preference for her own daughter and her own daughter's kids. She's not obligated to feel the same way toward her husbands kids and grandkids, no matter how much the OP may want that.


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## julesdsm (Aug 18, 2008)

Ugh, my in laws do this ridiculously and soo blatantly. They have SIL's son spend the night every Friday, in fact has his own room and toys at their house, but when DSS ASKS to sleep over they often act like its a burden. At Christmas he gets twice as many gifts, nicer ones and we all open gifts together so its really obvious.

Last weekend my inlaws asked us if we could some over and do painting job for them for money, we said we would. Mil responded with " great, but what are you going to to do with D when you come over?" And this while they SIL's son over there? I mean, really? How much more blatant can you be?

Dss is 4 ans still hasn't noticed, but I wonder how we will respond when he asks about that. Dh feels very hurt about it, but says they always favored his sister anyways, and that is obvious as well. We have yet to see how they will treat 7 month old ds, but i doubt it will be any different.


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## sapientia (Apr 22, 2007)

I have oodles of experience with this. My inlaws have absolutely ignored our children for years-after my sis in law had her two, specifically. We all recently got together at the beach for a reunion and even though my MIL hadn't seen my kids in almost 5 years, she opted to hang out at the beach with the other grandkids first, then a few hours later come up to say 'hello'. And she barely spent time with them, instead spending time with my BIL's kids. DH made some well-pointed comments and his mom acted a little better.
My SIL is the worst-it got to the point that she flat out ignored my kids and sat out on the balcony anytime we were around. She offered to take a picture of all the cousins together until she saw that she would have to have our little guy (who is not my husband's bio child but he is his son, kwim?) in the pic she stormed off and said 'oh nevermind, no one is interested'. I started yelling...she kept going and ignored me.
My grandmother favors her great nephew over my son, I've had plenty to say about that. I don't tolerate that sort of nonsense at all because I've been on the short end of favoritism my whole life (my brother gets everything and my mom does everything for him and she won't even give us the time of day) and it can be devastating so I won't allow my kids to experience it, I defend them or avoid favoritism situations all together. Yeah, I've caused some fights, but it just destroys me to see favoritism at all.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think it is important to remember that no relationship is "equal". My MIL seems to favor my neices in some ways, but they live closer to her, and honestly--it is her right to behave how she wants to with her grandkids. I don't get the feeling that everything has to "equal"--it seems to be a unattainable goal, and nothing that is necessarily deserved.

If your child is asking why grandma and grandpa loves S more, I would tell them that that each person loves differently, and love cannot be measured in that way.

I think this is really sound advice. I also think it would be a good idea not to keep tabs on who gets what and who's getting lessons paid for and who's isn't. I think you really need to appreciate the relationship that *you* have with them and not dwell on your SIL's relationship with them.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

While I appreciate the advice to be thankful for what you have instead of missing what you don't, it is really not that simple. Imagine a kindergarten classroom and 5 kids get cupcakes and the rest get nothing. Then imagine being told that some people love different people differently so the ones with cupcakes are just loved differently than those with nothing. And the have-nots are just left with that. Sorry, but it results in nothing but hurt feelings for the child. ANd while I don't want to shelter my kids from the injustices of the world, I don't see what benefit is to be gained by them to feel like they were always not good enough or second best. Why should we follow the offenders around like puppy dogs hoping to get in their good graces enough so they will finally bestow their love upon us or our children? Isn't this akin to ignoring the bad behavior of the popular girl just so you can join the popular clique?

I *get* that nothing is ever truly equal, but what if as a parent I decided to dote on my daughter and ignore my sons? Would everyone be suggesting my sons focus on the relationship they have with me irrespective of me and my daughter's relationship? I don't think so. I think as parents we need to set boundaries even if it makes us feel uncomfortable- if we don't do it for our kids, how will they learn to do it for themselves? Aren't we teaching them to love irrespective of the way someone treats you? Isn't this setting up a horrible construct and allowing our kids to be more likely to be abused/in abusive relationships?

I know some of these material things seem petty, but not visiting or acknowledging is not ok. And the material things aren't about the actual object, but I think rather about the concrete representation of how you are loved less than. *I* know love isn't only expressed through material goods, but many in my family believe it is the ONLY way to express love and when the cousin gets the cadillac escalade and my kid gets a card with a bird on it, I am either going to comment on the disparity (which has pretty much done nothing/very little) or I'm going to distance us from people who aren't really interested in having a relationship with us.


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## sapientia (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pjs* 
While I appreciate the advice to be thankful for what you have instead of missing what you don't, it is really not that simple. Imagine a kindergarten classroom and 5 kids get cupcakes and the rest get nothing. Then imagine being told that some people love different people differently so the ones with cupcakes are just loved differently than those with nothing. And the have-nots are just left with that. Sorry, but it results in nothing but hurt feelings for the child. ANd while I don't want to shelter my kids from the injustices of the world, I don't see what benefit is to be gained by them to feel like they were always not good enough or second best. Why should we follow the offenders around like puppy dogs hoping to get in their good graces enough so they will finally bestow their love upon us or our children? Isn't this akin to ignoring the bad behavior of the popular girl just so you can join the popular clique?

I *get* that nothing is ever truly equal, but what if as a parent I decided to dote on my daughter and ignore my sons? Would everyone be suggesting my sons focus on the relationship they have with me irrespective of me and my daughter's relationship? I don't think so. I think as parents we need to set boundaries even if it makes us feel uncomfortable- if we don't do it for our kids, how will they learn to do it for themselves? Aren't we teaching them to love irrespective of the way someone treats you? Isn't this setting up a horrible construct and allowing our kids to be more likely to be abused/in abusive relationships?

I know some of these material things seem petty, but not visiting or acknowledging is not ok. And the material things aren't about the actual object, but I think rather about the concrete representation of how you are loved less than. *I* know love isn't only expressed through material goods, but many in my family believe it is the ONLY way to express love and when the cousin gets the cadillac escalade and my kid gets a card with a bird on it, I am either going to comment on the disparity (which has pretty much done nothing/very little) or I'm going to distance us from people who aren't really interested in having a relationship with us.

Exactly. Exactly. I agree with this wholeheartedly.


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

We get this from both sides of the family.







DH's family gave away all the pics we gave them of DD so that they had none of her. DH confronted them about it. They now have a pic of DD and cousin up. Of course, cousin is favorite and they also have a pic of cousin alone and none of DD alone.









My family isn't much better. My dad is great but step-mom has favorites. We had a family party where she gave all of the grand kids presents. DD was 8 mo and loves to play with toys but she didn't give her anything. One of the other kids is only a year older and he got something.







Like someone said before, it's not the actual gift and materialism it's the symbolism of the action. I'm just glad that DD isn't old enough to notice yet. I can see us having to do a lot of "special" things after family functions in the future.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pjs* 
*While I appreciate the advice to be thankful for what you have instead of missing what you don't, it is really not that simple. Imagine a kindergarten classroom and 5 kids get cupcakes and the rest get nothing. Then imagine being told that some people love different people differently so the ones with cupcakes are just loved differently than those with nothing. And the have-nots are just left with that.* Sorry, but it results in nothing but hurt feelings for the child. ANd while I don't want to shelter my kids from the injustices of the world, I don't see what benefit is to be gained by them to feel like they were always not good enough or second best. Why should we follow the offenders around like puppy dogs hoping to get in their good graces enough so they will finally bestow their love upon us or our children? Isn't this akin to ignoring the bad behavior of the popular girl just so you can join the popular clique?

I *get* that nothing is ever truly equal, but what if as a parent I decided to dote on my daughter and ignore my sons? Would everyone be suggesting my sons focus on the relationship they have with me irrespective of me and my daughter's relationship? I don't think so. I think as parents we need to set boundaries even if it makes us feel uncomfortable- if we don't do it for our kids, how will they learn to do it for themselves? Aren't we teaching them to love irrespective of the way someone treats you? Isn't this setting up a horrible construct and allowing our kids to be more likely to be abused/in abusive relationships?

I know some of these material things seem petty, but not visiting or acknowledging is not ok. And the material things aren't about the actual object, but I think rather about the concrete representation of how you are loved less than. *I* know love isn't only expressed through material goods, but many in my family believe it is the ONLY way to express love and when the cousin gets the cadillac escalade and my kid gets a card with a bird on it, I am either going to comment on the disparity (which has pretty much done nothing/very little) or I'm going to distance us from people who aren't really interested in having a relationship with us.

Don't put yourself in the situation where you know what you aren't getting. Why not do family functions separate from your MIL's daughter?


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## LovinLiviLou (Aug 8, 2004)

I haven't read all the replies, so someone may have already suggested this . . .

We had this going on in a very subliminal way (not nearly as blunt as some of you guys have experienced and I don't think it is intentional). I very calmly said to the offenders (not in front of my child) "Hey - DD asked me the other day why you guys bought (other child) a new backpack, a new outfit and a new bike. She said she wondered why you didn't like her as much. How would you like me to respond to her?"

It was an interesting conversation. they said it made them realize that they were affecting her in a way that hadn't intended. However, in the end it just ended up making them hide their purchases more so than curtail behavior, but you can't win them all. I think they buy my dd plenty (the other child gets way too much in my mind!), so the issue for me wasn't about my kid getting more but rather that she not feel the inequity. All that said, she is still going to figure it out (she's a smart cookie), so we'll probably be addressing this again . . .


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *julesdsm* 
Ugh, my in laws do this ridiculously and soo blatantly. They have SIL's son spend the night every Friday, in fact has his own room and toys at their house, but when DSS ASKS to sleep over they often act like its a burden. At Christmas he gets twice as many gifts, nicer ones and we all open gifts together so its really obvious.

Last weekend my inlaws asked us if we could some over and do painting job for them for money, we said we would. Mil responded with " great, but what are you going to to do with D when you come over?" And this while they SIL's son over there? I mean, really? How much more blatant can you be?

Dss is 4 ans still hasn't noticed, but I wonder how we will respond when he asks about that. Dh feels very hurt about it, but says they always favored his sister anyways, and that is obvious as well. We have yet to see how they will treat 7 month old ds, but i doubt it will be any different.


I would have told her to call SIL to come paint her house.

The nerve. If it were me, she would not have the chance to hurt my child again.

Why does your husband put up with this? Is the parent's approval and love that important that he would risk his own child being hurt? I am not being snarky, I promise. I am genuinely curious.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
This really sums it up. Op's step MIL has a preference for her own daughter and her own daughter's kids. She's not obligated to feel the same way toward her husbands kids and grandkids, no matter how much the OP may want that.

On the same note, that relieves the OP and her husband of ANY further obligation to her MIL, IMHO.

I sure hope she calls her favorite kids in her old age, if she ever needs help.

Nothing is fair and equal, at all times. But this goes way beyond that.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pjs* 
While I appreciate the advice to be thankful for what you have instead of missing what you don't, it is really not that simple. Imagine a kindergarten classroom and 5 kids get cupcakes and the rest get nothing. Then imagine being told that some people love different people differently so the ones with cupcakes are just loved differently than those with nothing. And the have-nots are just left with that. Sorry, but it results in nothing but hurt feelings for the child. ANd while I don't want to shelter my kids from the injustices of the world, I don't see what benefit is to be gained by them to feel like they were always not good enough or second best. Why should we follow the offenders around like puppy dogs hoping to get in their good graces enough so they will finally bestow their love upon us or our children? Isn't this akin to ignoring the bad behavior of the popular girl just so you can join the popular clique?

I *get* that nothing is ever truly equal, but what if as a parent I decided to dote on my daughter and ignore my sons? Would everyone be suggesting my sons focus on the relationship they have with me irrespective of me and my daughter's relationship? I don't think so. I think as parents we need to set boundaries even if it makes us feel uncomfortable- if we don't do it for our kids, how will they learn to do it for themselves? Aren't we teaching them to love irrespective of the way someone treats you? Isn't this setting up a horrible construct and allowing our kids to be more likely to be abused/in abusive relationships?

I know some of these material things seem petty, but not visiting or acknowledging is not ok. And the material things aren't about the actual object, but I think rather about the concrete representation of how you are loved less than. *I* know love isn't only expressed through material goods, but many in my family believe it is the ONLY way to express love and when the cousin gets the cadillac escalade and my kid gets a card with a bird on it, I am either going to comment on the disparity (which has pretty much done nothing/very little) or I'm going to distance us from people who aren't really interested in having a relationship with us.


I totally agree with you.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

We went through this with MIL/FIL. For us, it was more the fact that we had children later in life than DH's brother and sister did. Their kids were practically raised by DH's parents in the 90's because his brother and sister had problems back then and those grandkids are now adult age. Our kids are their youngest grandkids.

Another reason I think DH's parents favored his neices/nephews is that they needed them. We don't need their money or them to babysit like DH's brother and sister always needed for their children.







I think that is a big part of it too. Maybe your stepsister needs the help that they give her and her children. It took me a few years to see that in DH's family and once I realized that it didn't bother me so much. Oh and I had to go through this with great-grandkids too. DH's niece had her first baby at 18 and so MIL/FIL did the same with her, gave her whatever she wanted, babysat constantly, all the same stuff they did with their granddaughter. They never once had our children spend the night with them.ever. and yet they practically let all their other grandkids live with them when they were little and did the same for the great grandkid.







It was unfair treatment but I suppose they truly didn't realize what it looked like to others around them, especially us. I always felt sorry for our kids that they didn't get enough attention from the inlaws but there was nothing I could do about it. It was their choice.


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## mlec (May 29, 2005)

This has been a really interesting thread for me to read, though I am sorry, OP that you are needing to deal with this.
My maternal grandparents showed favortism both toward their own children, and toward their grandchildren. My mom was one of the unfavored ones, and I suppose that's why we were unfavs, too (although I do recall something about her not approving of there being so many of us, and that she didn't like that we had long hair).
The once or twice yearly family reunions were painful times for us. I felt unwanted and less-than, and didn't know what to do with myself. My cousins would receive big Christmas gifts from my grandmother, and the only gifts I can recall are chapstick, some bath powder, and I *think* a thing of lotion. I wondered if she thought we were dirty or something.
At her funeral, I realized that I had zero emotion over her passing. I listened to my cousin reminisce about GM and her hidden cookies, and other fun/nice things and realized that I knew nothing of that person, and did not have one pleasant thought of my grandmother. Not a single positive encounter.
I am more sorry for my own mother than for myself in all this. Neither I nor my sisters ever spoke one word of the disparity to anyone. But it did affect me deeply...I think the feeling of not belonging to the group that I'm supposed to be a part of was the worst aspect for me.

I think that it was wrong for us to be in such a situation. I wish my mother had stepped up to her mother for everyone's benefit. She could have told her mother to find a different time to give those big gifts or we would skip the reunion.


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## julesdsm (Aug 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
The nerve. If it were me, she would not have the chance to hurt my child again.

Why does your husband put up with this? Is the parent's approval and love that important that he would risk his own child being hurt? I am not being snarky, I promise. I am genuinely curious.


I personally don't understand it myself, and often find myself very frustrated by it. The way they treat him and Dss sometimes is ridiculous. Even my parents have noticed it. He has such a problematic relationship with them, but even though he won't admit it is obvious that he has a huge need for acceptance/approval from them. I think until Dss notices and says something to him about his grandparents, Dh is not going to do anything about it.


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## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

Did not read all the posts...

I have a few thoughts, and having read a few of your responses, I'd say that some of this will be a bit of a repeat.

First, I think you have to let dh work this out and be supportive of him and you SIL as they work through this. While I understand your need to protect him and your children, this is his family and he knows better what lines can and cannot be crossed. I say this as a spouse who sees some things that are wrong in my dh's family, and as the wronged child who appreciates that my dh does not step in but wholeheartedly supports me and talks me through when I attempt to sort out issues.

Second, I come at this from the perspective of a stepchild who has a stepmother and stepbrother--I used to have two stepbrothers, but one OD'ed within the last few years. My father and his wife have been together for about 25 years. I was a young teen when I was first introduced to her. Overall, she was a good stepparent as I became an adult. My father and she absolutely "favor" my stepbrother but I happen to be okay with it. The rest of us (I have two bio siblings unrelated to our stepmother, and including my stepbrother and the one who died, we range in age from 36 to 49 years old) are fine on our own and recognize that he simply needs more than we. I don't know if perhaps this is the same. Another contributing factor is that our stepbrother is actually far more attentive to my father and his wife than the rest of us. Perhaps because he isn't married, and doesn't have children. Perhaps he's a Peter Pan. Perhaps he feels he owes it to my father who has raised him as his own and his mother who has already lost a child. Perhaps he is simply a better person. At any rate, he kind of deserves his status as child-closest-to-my-father. I don't know if SSIL fits any of that or not, just food for thought.

Third, my children are the favorites of the seven grandchildren. I did not ask for this status, and I do not know if my siblings have figured this out. I do know that my father and his wife speak ad nauseum about my children and that in their eyes they can do no wrong. I think this comes from me being a) the youngest biological child of my father, and b) the only biological child of my father who lived with my stepmother and was in formative years when they met. Because my children are certainly no cuter nor more clever than their cousins. Third in line would be my sister's youngest, and after that, my brother's oldest. The three middles are loved but not beloved. I suspect that most grandparents have favorites and that sometimes it is more obvious than others. I do not know what my siblings may or may not say about it to their children. I imagine that if it were my children, I would be focusing on the ways my father shows them love, and I might suggest (at a certain age/developmental level) that some of us need more love and attention than others, whether or not it is fair or just. But ultimately, your children may have some decisions to make, as may you and dh.

Which brings me to my fourth point and current situation. My father almost died three weeks ago. He had a massive heart attack and fortunately for him my stepbrother was on a short vacation with them and performed CPR for just less than 20 minutes while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. My stepmother would have let him die because she is not able to function in a crisis situation. She would tell you the same. My father was in a medically induced coma for just under one week. Of course my siblings and I dropped everything to race to his side (they happened to be vacationing out of our state) and were with him in the hospital for the first week until we knew he was awake, aware, and as out of danger as he's going to be.

It became clear during this week we were all together in the hospital that our stepmother has a significant amount of animosity toward my father's children, and in particular toward me. While I had been pretty sure of it prior to this, my siblings were quite shocked at how ugly she truly is. It was a weird situation in the way it was set up--the vacation was actually assistance from the parental unit to move the stepbrother into a new house that belongs to his cousin who is leaving the country for a few years, so they had a place to stay while my siblings and I stayed in a hotel, extending our stays day-by-day as we sat vigil. Stepmother made it clear that we were absolutely not welcomed where she and stepbrother were staying--she hosted dinners at the house for her family members, had a couple nights out, had no interest in where we were staying, and never shared one meal with us during that week despite repeated attempts from us to include her and her side of the family (actually--her ex-husband's side of the family). Let me quickly say that despite how that sounded, she does absolutely adore my father, and those feelings are mutual. She's just really really bad with crisis, something that my siblings, father, and I are not. We, as is the same in our extended family, do extraordinarily well in crisis situations.

During that week, as my father was waking up he was agitated and I feared that he was agitated by my presence (all from the perspective of fatherly love, I've had a hospital-laden decade with my children and various issues). When innocently I asked her if she thought this was the case, she attacked me outright, hurling bizarre, false accusations; knowingly, purposefully and irreparably damaging her relationship with me, but I think momentarily forgetting that my children and I are a package deal.

And my dh is outraged on my behalf. So is my older child, who saw enough tears and anguish when I returned home and was shut out from receiving updates on my father for five agonizingly long days before we returned as a family to the state they're in for the weekend to check on my father. But the point of this is that my dh is going to let me fight this battle. Our families have different dynamics. His cultural system says that my older bio brother should be fighting this battle for me and he's fussed that my brother won't do it. My culture says that this is my fight to fight, and my family culture says that I should just keep my darned mouth shut, but to do that may alienate me from my father, as may telling him of the events and subsequent collateral damage. So even though I know my dh is itching to go toe-to-toe with my stepmother, or take my father aside (dh and I have been together almost as long as my father and his wife) and tell him himself, he is remaining in the sounding board, cheerleading, catalyst position instead. And I know that's difficult for him.

So I know I made this all about me. Which it is not. But some of it has parallel draws and maybe you can take something away in terms of remembering that we all have different family dynamics, and your family's dynamics might be different than your dh's and you have to respect that and allow dh to fight this fight.

eta; I forgot some things--I meant to point out that my son asked me several questions about what was happening during that anguished week of no updates (after that I had other ways of obtaining updates--first my uncle went down on our behalf, and then my father was able to receive direct calls). I've noticed that since then he has stopped referring to my stepmother as Gramma X, and now just calls her X. I made it clear to him that my dispute with her notwithstanding, he has my permission to continue to love her and like her. I personally think that if he doesn't like her, that's his choice. dd has no clue and will continue to worship the woman, although there will absolutely be some restrictions in unbarred access from now on.

Another point that I forgot to mention is that one of the non-favored cousins in the family (who incidentally happens to be one of my favorites), early on refused to call her Gramma X, and when he visits with my brother, rarely acknowledges her. I don't think my brother notices that because he just doesn't noticed that kind of thing. If he did, he'd just laugh and say, "He doesn't like her." This nephew is highly intelligent and I'm sure he notices the difference. He doesn't seem to hold it against his cousins but I'd guess it has colored his relationship with them. To my father's credit, while he appears to favor my stepbrother, and while I do believe my ds is his most favorite grandchild, he appears to dote on all his grandchildren.

And lastly, I forgot to say, it kind of sounds like your FIL is the better person than the SMIL--which I guess is what I was trying to say too--my Father is certainly the better stepparent, and would be stepgrandparent, than my stepmother. So it is even more a fight for your dh to have than you. Step-relationships are so difficult. There were times in the hospital when we would have said this or that thing had we been speaking with our biological mother. But our tongues were tied and our father was the loser for it.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Thank you so much for your story, LiamnEmma.

I appreciate your perspective.


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## Dukey25 (Nov 19, 2006)

Sadly I don't know if there really is anything you can do, I fear my kids are the favored ones and it makes me uncomfortable. I think it stems from the fact that Dh and I are closer to my parents than my brother and his wife you can be a bit difficult to deal with at times. I think it is immaturity on the part of the people who play favorites and I wish I could make them see the light GL


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Step SIL is a single mom who works long and unusual hours?
It may be more that your in-laws are trying to compensate for that. The non-stop praise and comparing are what I would bring up to the in-laws.
Not the money spent.
My DH grew up the golden boy in his family....highly gifted both musically and intellectually. His brother who had a rough start in life didn't stand a chance. The parents and grandparents didn't hesitate to lavish praise while comparing the younger son to the older. They are both in their 50's and the tension remains. DH's brother would have nothing to do with us if it weren't for his wife and I forcing it. Each year we get together they make baby steps but it's rough. They've played out this drama their whole lives in strange ways.
FWIW, My brother was the favored grandchild of my father's mother. He is the only son of her only son. Not only did he get better holiday gifts and praise, she always sent him a check in addition to the gifts. My sister and I never knew this because my mom(God bless her) would toss the crappy gifts our grandma sent us girls and use the check to buy us something of equal quality to our brother's gift.
I only found this out recently, when my mom confessed to me that she was finding herself favoring my daughter over her grandsons and how conflicted she felt about it. She and DD are so much alike...introverted bookworms and the boys are well, boisterous, rowdy boys. My dad's always ready with a baseball glove or card game so the boys don't even notice.


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