# Spoiled Stepchildren



## annibe11e (Mar 27, 2017)

I don't know where to begin. There's a lot going on in my household. I got married in September and have 3 stepsons. 

12-mildly autistic
11-neurotypical
9-severely autistic

In the 3 years I've been in the picture, I have avoided disciplining the children. We have them 50/50 with their mother so they have both parents involved equally. They treat me with respect and I occasionally take them to do something special. I have worked with my husband in the background to create rules and consequences and he has worked hard to implement these things. There have been improvements, but we tend to lose ground quickly. 

There are issues with the mother that we cannot do anything about. I strongly suspect she has borderline personality disorder and discussion between her and my husband are impossible. We believe her household to be very chaotic. In addition to the 3 boys, she has a 2 year old girl and the father seems to be out of the picture. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to care for everyone, but we are seeing the results of it at our house. 

My husband has openly admitted that the children have never had clear rules and they never used any sort of consequences. However, the 2 older children are well behaved at school, so we know they are capable. 

The issue I'm seeing is that the pattern of interaction with their father is so deep-seated that he cannot get a handle on their behavior. I think the time has come for me to step in, but I really want some outside opinions. 

As an example, I recently had a severe migraine and my husband was unable to keep the 2 older boys quiet for me. They yell and whine and argue and sometimes kick and slam doors when they are told something they don't like. I finally had to get up, get dressed and go out to my car to try to get some quiet. Getting up in itself is quite painful with a migraine, so this was an absolute nightmare. 

Also, I've noticed that whenever my husband is trying to handle behaviors with the severely autistic child, the older 2 tend to butt in and make things worse. I thought maybe they need more attention, so once a week, after the youngest is in bed, my husband spends an hour with them individually. Just talking. I think this is helping the older autistic boy a bit. However, they both try to butt in on each other's time and sometimes it deteriorates into whining and yelling. 

Pretty much any time he opens his mouth, they talk back, question, argue. It's gotten to the point that I stay away from the house while they are there. 

We have created some regular scheduling for them and that has helped immensely, but the disrespect for their father is unbelievable. 

My bio children are 17 and 22 and I will admit, they were pretty out of control and it was mostly bad parenting on my part, so I'm not judging him at all. We just need to figure this out. 

Here's what I've been thinking and I'm hoping for some feedback. My husband does everything for these kids. He takes them places regularly despite their behavior. I think we should remove all privileges until their behavior improves. They spend most of their time in the livingroom with the TV on while also playing handheld games or reading books.

The privileges currently are:
TV
Video games
Homemade pizza on our Saturdays
Library visit on our Saturdays
YMCA swimming on our Sundays
$5 allowance every 2 weeks

I'm kind of hesitant to remove things that are healthy, scheduled activity like the library or YMCA, but I also cringe when I see him taking them to these activities after they've been treating him so poorly. 

We have them this weekend and I'm thinking I'll observe them and record exactly how many times they behave disrespectfully and give them goals. 

Help? ideas?


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## Markons92 (Mar 23, 2017)

I would take away all the privileges. 
You need to explain to them what's desired behaviors and what's not.

Let's put it like this: 
-Define the desired behavior.
-Choose a reward that is appealing to your child.
-Implement the new rule that if your child performs the desired behavior, they are given the selected reward

-Define the undesired behavior.
-Choose a consequence that is an appropriate punishment. (This typically involves losing a toy or privilege, or having a time out.)
-Implement the new rule that if your child performs the undesired behavior, they are given the punishment.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

Are they spoiled or are they children with very diverse needs and those needs are foreign to you? Autism takes many forms and takes energy , planning and routine for the children to cope. As a new part of these childrens lives I encourage you to learn all you can about autism and how it effects the entire family system.


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

It sounds like you are wanting to address behavior problems with incentives, or disincentives (like losing privileges.) So you are considering using the fun things you regularly do on your time with them as rewards, and withholding them as punishment.

This sort of implies that the behaviors are just things they are doing or choosing to do for no real reason, rather than the behaviors being a kind of communication, or something that is happening for a reason (or something that signals that something is needed in the situation.)

I think you could get similar changes in the behaviors by taking the approach of responsiveness.

You mention yelling, whining, arguing, and reacting negatively to something they don't like hearing. You also mention talking back, questioning (and arguing.) These are typical behaviors and how resourced you are when it comes to responding can make a big difference in how the interaction unfolds, what direction it takes.

Would you say that your husband or you feel well-resourced for responding constructively to negativity? Do you feel like you understand how to respond in ways that aren't likely to escalate the situation, but are likely to help the child feel heard and understood? A lot of routine parental responses very predictably (but unintentionally) frustrate children and escalate situations, and this is avoidable with some different skills.

This goes for attitudes that seem rude or disrespectful, defiance, yelling and whining. A lot of things can change simply from shifting how you respond.

Two books that offer a LOT of discussion and strategies around this are Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon and "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber & Mazlish. Both books identify the many ways that our routine and habitual responses to kids are unintentionally negating, invalidating, and infuriating! Getting more skillful, and being resourced with strategies for how to talk to them and how to listen when they're upset, complaining, or "talking back" can make a HUGE difference in things. Without any punishing needed.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I second what the PP said. The problem with a reward/punishment system is that they are learning to be respectful in order to get pizza rather than being respectful because they respect you.

Another resource which I have found useful is www.ahaparenting.com 
There are articles based on different age groups so you can easily find information for the age you're looking for.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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