# How to address 3yo DD exclusion from b-day party



## BabyA'sMom (Jan 16, 2008)

,,,


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## abiyhayil (Feb 8, 2008)

Wow, that would hurt my feelings. Instead of sending the present, it may be better to call up his mom and ask what is going on.


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## newmomroxi (Mar 6, 2009)

Do you really feel the need to talk to the child's dad about this? If you're sending the present with another parent, he is obviously going to realize that you heard about the party and you know your DD wasn't invited. I think if you are just wanting to let the boy's parents know that you accept their decision and would like to remain on friendly terms then sending the gift already says that. And when you see him at the next swim lesson, just be friendly. It will probably be awkward at first but I wouldn't bring it up.

On the other hand, if you really want to talk to the parents and clear the air or whatever, then it would be a good idea to call them. You can explain to them that you bought the present earlier and since DD wasn't invited to the party, you are unsure of how to get the gift to them. Then you can tell them that you respect their decision and you'd like to remain friendly.


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## KikaKika (Jul 7, 2007)

I would not send a gift and I would let the parents of that kid make the first step, if they want to.

Just relax, and continue with your normal activities... You'll see, they'll talk to you about it (probably not right away), and it's better if you do not start that conversation.

1) That kid has the right to choose who he invites to the party

2) Parent of that kid has the right to avoid this (for him, probably) uncomfortable topic

3) You have the right to feel annoyed by this, esp. if this is something you would never do

4) if you really want to look cool, it would be best to act cool, hence - don't mention it and if play cool

)))

It's great idea to do something fun with your DD on that day, but make sure you are not transferring your feelings of hurt to DD. (sorry to write this in a blunt way)

This reminds me of a "Parenthood" episode


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## BabyA'sMom (Jan 16, 2008)

....


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BabyA'sMom*
> I sent back an email outlining the negative impact the exclusion had on our child. I also sent this link that talks about the subject.
> 
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201011/when-did-childrens-birthday-parties-become-so-complicated
> ...










really?? I think you pretty much guaranteed your kids will not be friends. Was it rude? Of course but they don't owe any kind of explanation, never mind be held responsible for any psychological "damage" that may have been done. This will not be the last time your daughter will be excluded. Are you going react this way each time?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I am really confused about this.

Sure it would have been nice if your DD had been included, and quite rude NOT to include her...

But aren't the details of who to invite supposed to be left up to whoever is hosting the party????

I cannot imagine sending an email to another parent like that...

This just seems so.... odd... to me. Not odd that you are upset (I don't blame you!) but I don't understand your email to her, or what a 'proactive approach' by the school would mean -- are you implying that the school should dictate who gets invited to a kid's birthday party??

I just don't get it, I was also the 'inclusive' one growing up, and I think that's awesome, but I also think that making another parent feel bad because their house was too small to host the entire class is just... inappropriate. I am hosting a party in a few days myself, and I had to limit the invites because of space limitations & this being the middle of winter (can't host it outside or at a park) & can't afford to rent a place or pay a lot per child...


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

wow this is just 3 year olds. you took this way out of proportion.

life happens. you dont get invited to parties. that's ok. we see people and play with them and never get invited to their bday parties.

its just a bday party.

i would have done nothing.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

So you get to approve the guest list for other families' birthday parties? And if you're not happy about it you complain to their child's school?

I can't even imagine what the other parents are feeling - harassed and publicly shamed come to mind.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Whoa. I agree with the PP. That was waaaaaaay out of proportion.

We've participated in a very tight-knit group of families through a preschool co-op, and at various times, different families -- including ours -- haven't been invited to birthday parties for reasons ranging from wanting just a small party to not having enough space to certain kids just needing a break from each other for a little bit. Even in a tight-knit group, not everyone is going to be super close friends. Some kids will be closer than others, some kids naturally won't click as much. That's normal. We explained to our kids when they weren't always going to be invited to everything and when they asked, we talked about some of the reasons why. They saw it in action when we made our own guest lists for parties at our small house.

I want my children to be aware of their social interactions and to not exclude other children in play because of gender, looks, socioeconomic class, race, religion, orientation, etc. But I also want them to be flexible and to understand that equal is not the same as fair, and inclusion does not mean everyone getting to participate in everything all the time. Social and practical logistics simply don't allow that.


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Oh Mama. You stepped way over the line here. They didn't invite everyone. It wasn't as if your DD was the only one excluded. The email you sent after the first email was inappropriate at best. You do not get to lecture people on inclusion and you certainly should not send links to articles talking about mean parents make mean kids. And to continue on about how "gracious" you will be to still include their son? Oh my goodness. I wouldn't be expecting them to accept any invitations from you or your DD in the future.

I think you really need to look at your reaction to all of this and reassess your own behavior before even thinking of critiquing someone else's.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

see below.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

But if only 5 of the 13 kids were invited, I don't think that is a big deal. I would not have sent the present of course. But I would not be all hurt over it.


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## sweetcheeks (May 21, 2005)

Wow, OP, just wow. I can't believe you actually sent that email and with that link. If I received an email like that, I would view the sender as a bully. Because you are bullying the other parents with that passive-aggressive email about modeling good behavior when you cross paths... that little bit really rubs me the wrong way because it's almost like you're telling them you're going to be nice not because you WANT to be nice to them but because you feel like you have to. They don't need to give you a reason why your DD wasn't invited... real or fabricated. She wasn't invited, it's over and done with, let it go. It will most likely happen again and it's not worth the negative energy you're allowing to get to you over a birthday party. Hate to say it but you are now going to be known as "that" mom. I feel really bad for the birthday child's parents, having been shamed like that in an email and then to have it brought up to school officials... it's not a school matter, there was absolutely no reason to get the school involved.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Yikes, mama. I'm sorry you felt hurt, but I agree with other posters. 

It's not that 5 kids "were excluded". 8 kids were invited. That's not strange at all! Eight children is a lot for a three/four year old party. that is not exclusion!

I would never expect a family to invite 11 3-4 year olds to a party. And I would have *totally* downplayed the party to my DD had she not been invited, not discussed it with her so much. I'm afraid you may have exacerbated the situation for her.

Please consider taking a MUCH less active role in your children's social lives. The other parents don't deserve that. I hope you'll consider apologizing at a later date when your emotions have settled.


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## sublimeliving (Dec 21, 2010)

I understand why your dd's feelings are hurt. Nothing hurts worse than being excluded from a party. The good news is, most schools have rules about birthday party invitations. Usually, if not everyone is invited, they have to be sent in the mail. If they are brought to school, the child has to invite everyone, or all of the same sex (like your dd would have to invite all the girls). It looks like the birthday boy invited about half of the kids. This, is most likely, your dd's first exclusion. It won't be her last, and it only gets worse as girls get older. I would work together to be able to handle it like pros for future years. Things like this make it easier to realize who her friends are. She should form close bonds w/ kids that want to be her friend and not force it w/ kids that don't want to be her friend. It's hard to figure out the whys sometimes, and it hurts. I'm so sorry that this happened. : (


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

> Granted, it's very hard for me to not be hurt and angry, but we're determined to take the high road and not turn this into a big deal. We just want to let them know that we accept their decision to not invite her and would like to put this behind us and remain on friendly terms. Even though part of me is hurting, I know staying friendly is what is best for my child.


 If that was your intention you seem to be going about this the wrong way.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


> and remain on friendly terms. Even though part of me is hurting, I know staying friendly is what is best for my child.


I wouldn't want my child or myself to be friendly with you.

offensive and rude and I wouldn't be surprised if the schools doesn't feel you are a bully-

please for your child's sake take the advise you are given here-

say you are wrong and keep quiet

teach your child that you made a mistake-your child is not entitled and should not feel hurt over this trivial matter and that goes for you as well


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

I had to come back and say that if I ever received that email I would steer clear of the whole family. Honestly I would be telling all my friends about the crazy, over the top email I got because so and so's mom was pissed her precious child wasn't invited to the party. In fact I think you would reading about it here on MDC!









My fear right now is the parents of those children invited (including the parents of your daughter two "best friends") are going to hear all about this and suddenly be "too busy" to play with your child.







At 3 the parents pretty much control the play date scene and your reaction my be giving them second thoughts about jsut how friendly they want to be going forward..


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

I think you need to chill. Not every child gets invited to a b-day party and that's okay. You seem to be playing lip service to that notion, but are doing pretty much everything to prove that you do not believe it at all. And your daughter is probably reacting to you, NOT the fact that she didn't get invited.

Dd has been invited to lots of parties and not invited to lots of parties. She's always known about parties she's not invited to (kids do talk) but it isn't a big deal. She's asked and I told her I don't know but leave it at that. I don't let her wallow in it like you seem to be letting your kid.

The link you sent seems like bullying behavior and I wonder if maybe that's why your so angry about it. Because you feel that YOU and your child are the one that deserves to be invited and will do anything to "get back" at the family that didn't invite you.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Pretty much what everyone else said. You make it a big deal, your child will confirm in herself that it was a big deal. Exclusion is a fact of life and our job is to teach kids how to deal with it, not protect them from it.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BabyA'sMom*
> 
> Thanks, for the input. Well, as it turns out, there was more to the story. When a head count was taken, 5 of 13 children were excluded. I sent the gift to the party ( it was DD's choice and she wanted the kid to have it). Also I sent an email to parents saying we explained to DD that not everyone gets invited to everything, and that it is OK to not do the same things that everyone else does. My DD, being a really great kid, said that the boy would still be her friend. I reassured her that my DD had no hard feelings and that we would include her child no matter what.
> 
> ...


Yikes. I think you need to apologize to the other parent, and quickly. If they decide to discuss it with other parents your DD is going to be excluded from a lot of events.

They are not obligated to invite everyone from school. Yes, it is probably better form to but they don't have to and they didn't.

I think the best way to handle it would have been to tell DD that sometimes children have big parties and sometimes they have small parties and the fun part is that you get to pick. I think sending the fancy gift was passive agressive and emailing the parent twice was downright agressive.


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## tzs (Aug 4, 2009)

oh man.....now i feel bad for the OP too. listen, the pp's seem to be right but don't let it get to you. maybe you could just write an e-mail apologizing and just telling them that you let your "mama bear" instinct rule over your head and make a date for coffee at a fun place with them and the kids?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *tzs*
> 
> oh man.....now i feel bad for the OP too. listen, the pp's seem to be right but don't let it get to you. maybe you could just write an e-mail apologizing and just telling them that you let your "mama bear" instinct rule over your head and make a date for coffee at a fun place with them and the kids?


Yes... OP, I hope this thread doesn't scare you away, I think many of us feel you made the wrong choice but I hope you don't now feel attacked, it's hard to read some of this... *HUGS*


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

a polite and contrite letter to both the other parent and the schools (same one) and expect fall out for yourself and your child - IMO

Quote:


> My child is already being told what to wear, what to eat and where to take classes.


if what you said about being told how to dress, etc is coming from the school group maybe you should think now about moving on instead of in a few years, does not seem like a good fit


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## AKislandgirl (Jun 2, 2008)

It sounds like your daughters reaction is because of the feelings she is picking up from you. You just need to let it go. She's 3. It's a birthday party. These are not things to get upset about. I would feel totally harassed had I received and email such as you described. It is not up to you to dictate how others run their parties. I'm sorry that you let this get so out of control.


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## tzs (Aug 4, 2009)

> Quote:
> 
> 
> > My child is already being told what to wear, what to eat and where to take classes.
> ...


OP, i hear what you're saying about kids growing up fast. i worked at a preschool and while most of it was very..."preschool." there was a particular clique of moms with kids of a certain age that knew each other previously and all lived in an affluent suburb. while they were all very nice people individually, not only were the moms very clique-ish but also the kids. really at the age of like 2.5 there was way more emphasis on clothes and ballet classes and hanging out outside of school and trips to NYC (very teenager-y stuff, IMO) than i had ever seen from kids that age. i imagine it would have been pretty hard to be a mom with a kid in that class who was interested in making friends.


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## BabyA'sMom (Jan 16, 2008)




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## babymommy2 (May 14, 2009)

Quote:


> It's not that 5 kids "were excluded". 8 kids were invited


 I'd have to agree with this. If you were to take the high road, that would mean you wouldn't have siad anything at all to anyone about it and no gift.


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## sophiekat (Oct 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BabyA'sMom*
> 
> It's so funny how message boards do NOT imitate life, thank goodness. Maybe people don't read thoroughly, or just don;t get it. Whatever.
> 
> ...


I'm confused. I realize that when 99% of responses to your story are gently telling you that 1. you did NOT handle this well, or nicely, or in a way that will promote your "commit[ment] to inclusion" in the long run and 2. that you really should think seriously about apologizing for your out-of-line and completely over-the-top email and subsequent dragging the school and other families into your drama, that it's natural to react defensively, but you seem to be changing the entire focus of your misplaced outrage from the fact that your 3 year old wasn't invited to a birthday party to a narrative about "taunting" by another toddler and his father and accusing anyone who doesn't see this your way and pat you on the back of not being "nice" and letting our kids "kill each other"?

Gently, I think you have a tendency to overreact. You most certainly did towards the birthday boy's family and your child's school, and also towards everyone who gave you good advice about perspective and not burdening your child with a sense of injustice over how she did or did not spend a couple of hours one afternoon.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

The other child "taunted your child repeatedly?" I thought you said he just yelled once, and otherwise they're friendly?

I think I'm confused by this post.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

When my daughter was 3 and 4, she and her friends were always inviting and uninviting each other to birthday parties. Whenever a couple of kids had a disagreement, one would generally tell the other, "I'm not inviting you to my birthday party!" - even if said party was a good ten months away. It was a proxy for "I'm angry at you" and had nothing to do with real birthday parties... invitations to those were generally constrained by logistical considerations like cost and space.

Team not a big deal. Yes, sometimes it hurts, but it's life. If every kid except one in a class was invited, I could see bringing it to the school's attention, or if kids were teasing each other about being excluded at school I might mention it to the teacher and ask him or her to discuss the issue with the class... but IMO anything more than that is overkill. Really.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Is this for real? If it is, OP, your behaviour was way out of line.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I had no idea a 3-year-old's birthday party had so much power! Good to know, though, since my youngest has one coming up. Speaking of, my 3 yr old wouldn't even notice, much less feel excluded if he wasn't invited to a classmates birthday party. If *I* made it big deal, then yeah, I could see it messing with his self-esteem.


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## tzs (Aug 4, 2009)

alls i can say is that my SIL with her 5 kids does a victory dance everytime one of hers is not invited to a birthday party. the "all-inclusive" policy means she spends her weekends basically baby-party hopping.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

I'm befuddled by this story. Do three-year-olds spend enough time at preschool that being invited or not to someone's party is a huge deal worthy of letter campaigns and meetings with the administrators?


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Quote:


> Maybe people don't read thoroughly,


 I think what happened is the responses were not what you wanted to hear so you moved the goalposts. The problem is not that many of us didn't read your post carefully.

Quote:


> The b-day boy's father had the opportunity right then, to explain that DD would NOT be invited Instead, he kept quiet and left the impression that the boy was making an *idle threat*.


The father may have had no idea who was invited. In my circles, generally it is the Mom who handles that kind of stuff. And accusing him of threats? Idle or otherwise? My goodness Mama please be more fair to this little boy. He is being a TODDLER. This is what they do. This is how they learn. It isn't personal-stop making it personal and stop making it have anything to do with you.

Quote:


> However, I am totally within my rights to speak up when a child taunts my child repeatedly. To have my child taunted with being excluded and the parent stands there and does/ says nothing, yes, I speak up. And a BS excuse about the exclusion, that even my 3 year old would know is untrue, well that's just silly. I don't need an excuse, and I especially don't need a lie.


Huh? Where did he repeatedly taunt your DD? What comes through to me loud and clear is you simply don't like this little boy and are dumping all kinds of baggage on him. Secondly, judging by your over the top reaction, I completely understand why they did lie to you about the reason for not including your DD.

Quote:


> Since Thanksgiving, both inside and outside of school, some kids have been willfully aggressive toward other kids, with parents not apologizing, not making the kid apologize and making excuses for their kids instead of setting limits


Toddlers being aggressive? Color me shocked.







Toddlers by their very nature are aggressive, anti-social, pain in the ass little people sometimes. And I never make my kid apologize. Forced apologies are ridiculous. And parents not apologizing? Again, what does that have to do with this little boy and his party? It seems like you are blaming all kinds of nefarious goings on at this school on a little boy you clearly don't like.

Quote:


> And by the reports I got, the b-day boy kicked, bit, and pushed his way through the event.


To sum up, this family clearly fails to meet your high parenting standards, the boy is an aggressive nightmare who repeatedly taunts your DD (although when that happened I am not clear), and yet you get some kind of perverse satisfaction that the little boy was overwhelmed at his own party enough to kick and bite? I will gently say you are not looking like the bigger person here.

Quote:



> And if you thought I blew this out of proportion, you should have read the letter a mom wrote in my defense. Eyebrows got singed


It has been my experience that parents who over manage their children's every interaction and micromanage every social opportunity tend to seek each other out. They can commiserate about how aggressive other kids are to precious little Johnny or Joan and speculate about what kinds of terrible parenting must be going on in their homes. My son will be going to a Montessori school and this has been an eye opener. I don't want one parent to be able to cause such an uproar over normal toddler behaviors and a two hour birthday party!!

Quote:


> Those who are fine with, even comfortable with, making a toddler face a "life lesson" about being left out, well,.go play amongst yourselves and let your kids kill each other, all the while making excuses


We don't let our kids kill each other and not many people here make excuses for our kid's inappropriate behavior. We practice parenting that makes sense and that understands age appropriate behaviors. We practice helping our kids navigate the social complexities of toddler-hood without throwing our own social insecurities and anxieties into the mix.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I think I understand what you're saying OP. Your DD was left out, the parents gave an excuse that is clearly untrue as to why, and after the party, rather than letting it all blow over, the birthday boy and his friends taunted the children who weren't invited, including your daughter. Right?

So, in that context, it makes sense to me that the school would get involved, because birthday boy and friends are taunting other kids at school about not having been invited. This would be wrong even if the taunting were about a movie, a playspace, or a cool toy that they have and others don't. I'm with you on the school needing to do something about taunting. However, if taunting of various types has been going on since Thanksgiving, I personally would have addressed it in that way rather than making it sound all about a birthday party. It's just what brought the situation to a head, not the main reason for the issue.

Addressing the parents of the birthday boy, they don't owe you a reason for not inviting her. They gave a silly one, saying they invited only 4 year olds when they invited 3 and 5 year olds as well. But they don't have to give a reason as to why though, you could tell your daughter that they just didn't have enough space.

Personally I go with all one gender parties if I must limit space; or when DS turned 3, I invited 1 friend from school and 2 from outside school. That was a good small size for him and 1 child out of 15 didn't seem cruel to the other 14. I did make a point when we invited him though, that we were only inviting them and not the whole class because we wanted to keep it very small and intimate. My limit on acceptability is no more than 2 children from the same school, or else everyone. If they talked about it at school, it would have just sounded like a playdate being so small, and I can't imagine anyone could have been offended.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

I am always amazed when stories like these amazingly resolve themselves and suddenly there is more to the story to "justify" the poor behavior and all the irl people rally around the slighted party.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


> We practice helping our kids navigate the social complexities of toddler-hood without throwing our own social insecurities and anxieties into the mix.












too bad there is so little of this!!!


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

For what it's worth, my kid's have never killed another child and have learned to handle disappointment with grace and also how to include others. All while being "excluded" from various parties and me not blowing up at anyone.


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## ellemenope (Jul 11, 2009)

It sounds like you have become apart of a culture I never want to get myself sucked into-- an exclusive Montessori daycare, politicized playdates, parents who hang out, sign kids up for same activities, exchange emails, exploit daycare administration.

You are cliquish. I would disentangle yourself from this group, but then again, I am so sure I could never handle this. It just sounds exhausting. I also think you are in this unique climate, so who knows what the rules are. You may be doing exactly the right thing for this social environment. But, I will say this as gently as possible, from what you have written, it does not sound like a healthy environment for kids to grow up in for exactly the reasons you stated. Your concerns about these kids are valid. But, you are not an innocent, and you are not making it better.

Your daughter picked up two new playdates? Seriously? That you would even think this validates your actions... You know, it makes me question what you are more concerned about. Your DD's feelings, or her popularity?

FWIW, I am in the camp that you don't need to invite everyone, and you don't need need a valid explanation to do so. I also don't think you need to be friends with your kid's friends' parents, and you don't have to even particularly like them. I am so sorry this is bothering you so much. I want you to feel better about it. I will tell you in my experience, kids have never invited their whole class to a birthday party, and I would think it odd to feel pressured to do so.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Wow, I hope no one freaked out when they didn't get invited to my DD's 5th birthday party. I had room in our house for 6 kids total. She has 18 in her preschool class. We invited her two best friends, who are boys and a little boy from her class last year. Then we invited two little girls so there would be an even gender mix. It was a dragon themed party with a pinata, decorating cupcakes and decorating knights shields. They had crowns and dragon masks to round out their dragon princess or dragon knight play. I had two more indoor games planned in case of bad weather. Each child got rings, beaded necklaces and two little castle toys. There wouldn't have been room at my bar and table for more kids to decorate stuff. One of her best friends had a party at a bounce house, so he had alot more guests. There were two kids from the preschool at the bounce house who hadn't been invited. The mom just invited them to join in for cake. They also had a lot of family present too. So the point is that kids parties are planned around what the parent can afford and how much room the parent has.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Im still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are talking about preschoolers.

You would think this thread was about Junior highschoolers. YIKES!

My 3 year old had NO friends at his party. Im pretty sure he didnt notice. lol


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *oaktreemama*
> 
> Oh Mama. You stepped way over the line here. They didn't invite everyone. It wasn't as if your DD was the only one excluded. The email you sent after the first email was inappropriate at best. You do not get to lecture people on inclusion and you certainly should not send links to articles talking about mean parents make mean kids. And to continue on about how "gracious" you will be to still include their son? Oh my goodness. I wouldn't be expecting them to accept any invitations from you or your DD in the future.
> 
> I think you really need to look at your reaction to all of this and reassess your own behavior before even thinking of critiquing someone else's.


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## Lasater (Jan 27, 2008)

Hmmm. I'm not sure you took the "high road" afterall.


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## darjeelingmomma (Jan 29, 2011)

Okay, I am a little hesitant to throw in my two cents here being new to the boards and all, but reading this entire thread gave me a very strong reaction. Honest? What a totally avoidable and ridiculous situation. BabyA'sMom, if you are still reading, I'm sending you a hug, I feel for you because you obviously felt so strongly for your daughter and felt so badly that she may be emotionally hurt by this, but again, honestly? She's four, not fourteen and trust me school and peers just get more and more brutal from here on. I don't know your daughter or situation but I am betting that this would have all blown over and been forgotten with just a little redirection. Now this is a memory bore into her little mind and the minds of others.

The point you made in number 5 ... meh. On the outside looking in here you didn't build a nicer community as a result.

First up your story kept changing so I am guessing the truth is somewhere in the middle. In your first post you said the following "The group of kids is wonderful and the program is well-run. The kids take classes together outside of hours and meet for playdates. For instance, in DD's weekend swim class, there is a total of three students , all of whom go to the same school. Parents are there and we even all go out to lunch afterwards." By the end of this all your little preschool sounded like a cross between lord of the flies and mean girls, with toddler fights and cliques and "My child is already being told what to wear, what to eat and where to take classes. And this is coming from her 4 year old friend! Just wait until the kids overhear parents complaining and start acting it out... And yes, the kid;s mom has been sending emails trying to get support for what she did. I know at least one parent, though, who wrote back and blasted her more than I did." and "Since Thanksgiving, both inside and outside of school, some kids have been willfully aggressive toward other kids, with parents not apologizing, not making the kid apologize and making excuses for their kids instead of setting limits. And by the reports I got, the b-day boy kicked, bit, and pushed his way through the event. Some parents are fed up."

Yeesh. Both of you handled this poorly. Neither mom should be firing off emails trying to get support for any of this. The two of you should be emailing each other or better yet, having some coffee and sorting this all out. Hindsight is 20/20 but next time just send the gift off in the mail with a note that he deserved something extra special for being so sweet about the broken toy or better even yet, drop it off yourself (not on the party day) and leave it at that. Do consider that you may have garnered all this support because other parents don't want emails written about them or their children to school. If these are the battles you pick now you are in for a long hard road and I say that with love for you in my heart. It'll be so hard for you and your daughter. Stop sweating the small stuff and this. was. small.

Children's birthday parties are the source of a lot of stress and grief in my suburb. HUGE extravagant shin-digs, with nannies in tow and some parents even try to one up each other. I always have to giggle a bit when my children's classmates can't stop talking about how fun our parties are ... um yeah, you mean the backyard BBQ with the softball game and the craft/game that doubles as a goodie bag that cost me a fraction of what the last pony parade princess party cost? haha... okay sorry, thats really not that big of me is it... Again, my point is children remember the fun they had ... lets all focus on that.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BabyA'sMom*
> 
> 5) My husband, DD and I are building a much nicer community as a result. Those who are fine with, even comfortable with, making a toddler face a "life lesson" about being left out, well,.go play amongst yourselves and let your kids kill each other, all the while making excuses. The rest of us are committed to inclusion and preserving the innocence of youth for as long as possible.
> 
> ...


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

If my child chooses not to invite a kid to a birthday party I doubt I would offer an explanation beforehand and I would be shocked to recieve any sort of email about it, especially the one that the op sent. Blaming the other parents for emotional damage? Making them responsible for how your child is dealing with 'exclusion'? I would be embarassed if I even thought those things 

OP, I don't blame you for feeling a little sad but I do think you were way out of line. Hopefully you'll consider what the posters here have said and learn something from all of this, as well as apologize to the birthday parents. Your daughter should be learning how to deal with disappointment, not how to throw a fit.

Good luck with everything.


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

I totally would not even mention it to the parents. A birthday party is supposed to be fun for the kid. There's no law saying they have to invite everybody in the class...at my son's school, the only rule is if you do not invite all of the boys or girls, or the entire class, you cannot send invites by backpack. I don't know if they have rules about discussing parties at school or not.

My son has been invited to two parties that did not include the entire class or even all of the boys. One invite came by snail mail, the other by email. I know in one case for sure, the birthday child was asked to name which classmates he wanted to invite. The other, I'm not exactly sure how the list was made, but I know in both cases it was not about excluding anyone in particular, but about having a party that would be fun for everyone--the adults who have to supervise, and the birthday kid.  (sometimes too many kids is just not fun and quite frankly I can't imagine having more than maybe 6 3 year old children total at a party...)

I know there have been other parties he was not invited to, and quite frankly, it has not mattered to him or to me. I've also worked plenty of preschool and I really cant' see this being that big a deal to 3 year olds, they say things like "You're not coming to my birthday" as a way of experimenting with the whole idea of what it means to have someone be your friend, or not. But they also quickly move on...typically.....as long as nobody older is bringing the issue back into mind. (and by that I mean siblings in my home, adults, teachers, parents, anybody--I saw perfect example of this when they started asking us not to discuss holidays unless the children brought it up. We had really marginal discussion of it, and the kids did not think to ask why we weren't reading Santa-themed books  )

I say let the whole thing ride and only talk about it if YOUR CHILD is the one bringing up the subject. If you are concerned that parties that exclude only one child in the class might cause hurt feelings, decide if it's worth it or not to talk about it with the school. Like I said, my son's school has a policy that parents who don't want to include the entire class or at least all the children of the same gender can't send the invites home in the backpacks. It's one way of keeping the whole popularity contest out of the classroom. That *is* a concern that *might* need addressing, but only you can decide if you want to do anything with that.


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## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

I can't even believe this thread.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nola79*
> 
> I can't even believe this thread.


yeps.

For what it is worth, my kids tell me I'm not invited to their birthday party. Its just the *one* thing in life many kids have any control over, and it is how they exert their will. It is not a big deal. All kids in all preschools say this stuff, it is just part of the age. Of course the adults should shut it down and not tolerate it, but it is a process.

The whole present thing seems crazy, too.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

the OP has deleted all her posts and replies on all threads on MDC. so for her this topic is closed i guess. and i would imagine MDC too.


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## darjeelingmomma (Jan 29, 2011)

That really makes me sad. Its nice to have healthy debate and see different view points. If everyone agreed I'd be so bored. This issue must have been just so sensitive for her and I hope she reconsiders when shes had some time and distance from this situation!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> 
> the OP has deleted all her posts and replies on all threads on MDC. so for her this topic is closed i guess. and i would imagine MDC too.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *darjeelingmomma*
> 
> Its nice to have healthy debate and see different view points. If everyone agreed I'd be so bored.


oh there are enough mamas on this board who welcome healthy debates and have the courage to express a different view point.

in this case though, the whole reaction was so so so bizarre. i mean there is no reason for debate. it is what it is.

reminds me of that article in NYT which talked about the new forms of modern parenting styles - should i call it that or were they just labels "***" moms. i dont want to assign labels but some of the things they mentioned in that article appeared on this thread.


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## mom2lucy (Jul 22, 2008)

Wow. This thread has really got me thinking. I have a 3 yr old about to enter preschool in the fall (via co-op) and I just can't even imagine having this sort of situation happen, although I'm sure it does quite a bit. I doubt the OP is the first parent to ever react this way.

It's just really sad when we can't let our kids just be kids and leave all our own sh*t out of it. Obviously this a topic that strikes us all from the outpouring of replies.

I'm sure most of us women have been on one side or the other of "cliques" and being excluded. It's definitely hard to watch our daughters go through situations like this, but all we can do is teach them through grace and love how to handle the world. I'm really sad that the OP didn't and I feel for her daughter.


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## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *darjeelingmomma*
> 
> By the end of this all your little preschool sounded like a cross between lord of the flies and mean girls


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Ummm, Im a bit shocked. That seemed like an awful lot of work.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Honestly it just seemed unreal. Kids say, "you are not coming to my birthday" all the friggin time. I wouldn't trip if another 3 year old (!) said this to my 3 year-old. And I would not buy a present for an acquaintance's child and bring it to someone else's home to deliver the present since my child was not invited?! Why not just bring to to swimming?

And then to involve the school staff? huh?

It just seemed unreal, like maybe this whole thing is not real?


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## darjeelingmomma (Jan 29, 2011)

Sadly I don't think situations like this are that uncommon in certain communities/circles. In my own community birthday parties are a status symbol and all around nightmare to navigate.

I bolded a bit in the quote below that states exactly what made me question the OPs motives. First off, how awkward to put that on the friend going to the party and second, why? Was it just to make everyone involved feel uncomfortable and bad?







This whole thing was like turning a jelly bean into The Blob and it could have been a conversation about how to talk to little ones about how they may not always be included/receive everything their peers do. Sad sad. I feel so bad for the little girl, because people aren't likely to forget this.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *carmel23*
> 
> Honestly it just seemed unreal. Kids say, "you are not coming to my birthday" all the friggin time. I wouldn't trip if another 3 year old (!) said this to my 3 year-old. *And I would not buy a present for an acquaintance's child and bring it to someone else's home to deliver the present since my child was not invited?! * Why not just bring to to swimming?
> 
> ...


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *darjeelingmomma*
> 
> Sadly I don't think situations like this are that uncommon in certain communities/circles. In my own community birthday parties are a status symbol and all around nightmare to navigate.
> 
> ...


I guess that is why we come to MDC to escape that? 

I am really sensitive to being different/being excluded because my family is different from a lot of others... but I would never freak out because of it... I tried to really understand what this mama was going through and the part about the present is where I stopped, too.

Let's keep it real, people!


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

And this is a prime example of why we do not do "friend parties". I gently invite you to reflect on how you would feel if you got an email passively-agressively accusing you of psychologically damaging someone else's child. A tad extreme if this is all really about a birthday party. As for the "idle threat" remark, I mean three weeks in advance I wouldn't even necessarily know who was coming.


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