# A Thank You! & More about Joseph



## apcanadianmamma (Sep 30, 2004)

I first just want to thank everyone for welcoming me here. I really feel the need to talk about my son and I really feel that this is a safe place to do that so thank you!

More about Joseph...

I had a perfectly normal pregnancy. I went in on my due date which was a Wednesday to my doctors appointment - heard his heart beat and everything was great. My Dr. arranged to have me induced the following Tuesday as she didn't want me to go over a week overdue. I didn't want to be induced but thought I didn't have any other choice. On Saturday I started having contractions. I was excited because that meant I wouldn't have to be induced. I stayed at home walking through them. At some point they were starting to get more painful and I was starting to throw up (sorry TMI) so we decided it was time to set off for the hospital. I went to the hospital and the place was packed. They had at one point 11 labouring women - some were in the hallways! I thought I was still fairly early on so I expected they would send me home. Instead they checked me, I was at 5cm and they told me I would be admitted. Up to this point everything was great. The nurse attached the heartbeat monitor to my stomach and couldn't find anything. She had the dr. come in - the dr. tried to find Joseph's heartbeat and couldn't. She told me he was probaby just hiding and they would get an ultrasound tech to find out what position he was in. I don't know if I was in denial at that point or what but I still thought everything was fine. It took a long time for the tech to get there and when she did she wouldn't face the screen towards me -I asked her what was going on and she said she couldn't tell me - we would need to wait for the dr. The dr. came right in, looked at the us and touched my foot and said, "I'm sorry but your baby has died" At that point it was like I was watching a movie - this wasn't happening to me. I remember saying "no" just calmly - like I was telling the doctor that she was mistaken. My DH said, "Kelly, yes, he is gone, you have to believe it" I looked at him and again said "no the dr is wrong" I'm not sure at what point I began to believe them...I'm not sure I ever did, I kept thinking won't it be funny when he is born and starts crying...won't they all look so stupid then...

Joseph was born at 5:02 pm March 10, 2001. He was beautiful. He had lots curly red hair (which still amazes me that he had such beautiful hair - my subsequent children have both been baldies). He was 8lbs 12oz...and he wasn't even 21" long - he wasn't chubby per se...he was solid...like a little linebacker. His face was in a little pout and I like to think he would have been as stubborn as his red hair suggested he would be. He had a little problem with his foot that his Dad had when he was a baby. I remember thinking, isn't it funny - if he had lived I would have stressed out over his foot because it would have required surgery at some point - such a silly thing, and such a minor problem.

I remember after he was born they kept me in a private room but I could still hear the other babies being born. They offered to let me leave but I couldn't face going back to the house that evening so they let me stay and set DH up on a cot.

He had a beautiful funeral (I choke having to say that because I still have issues with my baby having a "beautiful funeral"). My sister went out and bought him a simple white baptismal type gown to wear. We had 65 people show up which I remember thinking...I didn't know I knew this many people. They ALL came to our house after and I don't have a clue how they fit...it was wall to wall people. Then they went home and DH and I sat on the couch and wondered how we would like and what "normal" now would be like.

I still think of him, every single day. I still wonder why. They never did find out why. The doctor said it was simply one of those unexplainable things. I want to know why it is unexplainable?

I've now had two more children and in some ways the grief has deepened because I now know what I missed out on by losing him. I also have to reconcile with myself that if he were here my daughter would not be - and I can't imagine life without her...but at the same time I wonder how is it then that I can imagine life without him?

Anyways this has gotten longer than I expected - I guess I just really need for him to be remembered and this is a way for me to do that.

Thank you for letting me 'talk' about him. It feels sad for me but good at the same time if that makes any sense...


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I just wanted to tell you I'm so very sorry. Joseph sounds like a beautiful baby. Your description of him was so full of love. it brough tears to my eyes. Peace to you.


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## AinNJ (Aug 10, 2004)

thanks for sharing your story and talking about Joseph. i find that once i start talking about my da Tessa, i don't stop.







our stories are similar. i had a non-eventful pregnancy and lost her at the very end. i felt her moving friday night as i was falling asleep and saturday morning she wouldn't wake up. i told dh to talk to her because she always jumped when she heard her Daddy. but she didnt respond to him. that's when i freaked and called the dr.

i opted not to have a funeral for her because (at the time) i thought it would be mean to "make" people come see a dead baby. i never crossed my mind that people would WANT to see her!

they never determined why my baby died either. healthy people don't just drop dead for no reason!! so how can anyone expect us to believe that our healthy babies just died for no reason?? i can't wrap my head around the idea.

Quote:

I've now had two more children and in some ways the grief has deepened because I now know what I missed out on by losing him.
when i was pg w/my ds, this thought crossed my mind for the first time. it's weird hearing someone else say the same thing. i thought i was the only one who felt this way.

peace, mama.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

Kelly - I am in tears reading about Joseph. He is so lucky to have a mama like you. Thank you for sharing his story with us.







s


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Tears are falling and I just can't seem to stop them lately, especially when I read such a beautiful post about a beautiful baby. You spoke of a number of topics that I'm currently in fear of (knowing what I really missed out on after a successfully delivery, the unexplainable 3%, etc) as I'm in my 22nd week of a subsequent pregnancy.

To so clearly be able to hear your pain years later despite how many successful pregnancies you've had, gives me a glimpse of my future. Bittersweet but I like the idea of one day realizing Connor's death may have brought me other children that I might not have had.

Thank you for sharing Joseph with us!


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Thank you Kelly, for sharing your son with us. For being so open and showing us how strong love is, how powerful it is, how it can go beyond living. Your words are so beautiful and eloquent, your love for your son shines through. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. My full term daughter was born silently 3.5 months ago, a lifetime ago. We so badly want another baby, but I have been so afraid. Your words bring me hope and comfort in the midst of all my sadness and anger. We do survive, we are still capable of love. Thank you.
Love, Brandi


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

((hugs)) to you Kelly. Thank you for sharing Joseph, he sounds like a beautiful boy and your love for him comes out very strongly in that post. I am in tears reading your story.

tara


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your Joseph with us. He sounds like such a beautiful baby with all that red hair.
My daughter also died of unexplained causes. She died just minutes before she was born. It gives me hope that you have since had children and i admire your courage to come here and continue sharing Joseph and his story. I fear that people will forget my Julianna and think that i should be "over it" but i know like you i never will be. thank you so much. You may not have intended your story to lend others hope and strength but to someone newer to grief, it does just that. I'm so sorry that you never had a funeral for Joseph. Perhaps you could have some kind of a memorial this year for him. That way, you could share him with others in your life in a ritualized way.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful Joseph with us. I am so glad that you feel comfortable sharing. I too have had the strange feeling when saying that my daughter had a "beautiful funeral". I also some times pause when I think that I took my 2.5 yr old to his sister's funeral. I wonder how he will feel knowing that. I wonder what he will think when he looks at her pictures. Your love shone through your description of him.


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## HRC121799 (Aug 8, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your precious baby Joseph with us.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

kelli ~ i'm so glad you felt you could share your story with us. thank you for your sincerity and the love for your son and all your children that shines through in your words.

mb


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your Joseph. He sounds like a truly beautiful baby. Your beautiful love for him comes through your account of his birth and death and touches me.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss of precious Joseph. You so obviously love him very much and are such a strong momma for him. Thank you for sharing and you ar emore than welcome to come post here whenever for whatever. All of us mommas have come and vented and cried and lent a shoulder when needed.
Gossamer


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. Such a loss, such a beautiful baby. Peace and strength to you.

Carolynn


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

I had two children prior to losing my daughter in March...and I would agree to the statement you made...it somehow makes your grief harder, because you know what you lost....I am agreeing with you totally!!!

Life is so strange sometimes....Lots of love to you mama....thank you again for sharing and for being here. You are wanted and needed!!!


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