# How old is too old . . .



## Bramble (Apr 3, 2008)

for little boys to be brought into women's public bathrooms?

I'm asking because my SIL still brings my 9 yr. old nephew in with her and my mom thinks it's horrifyingly inappropriate.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

I was wondering this just the other day. DS will be five in a few weeks. It seems like he's old enough to use a public bathroom by himself, with me outside the door, but not old enough to wait outside for me while I use one. So I still take him in with me.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

My almost 9 year old has been going into most public restrooms on his own since just before his 8th birthday. In certain "safe" places, I allow his 5.5 year old brother to go to the men's/boy's room with him. However, I reserve the right at any time (because of a gut feeling or whatever), to have all of us use the same restroom.

I think it's a parental call, and that safety (and peace of mind) come before propriety. As long as the child isn't rolling on the floors peeking under the stalls, then it really shouldn't matter what gender s/he is.


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## Bramble (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bramble* 
I'm asking because my SIL still brings my 9 yr. old nephew in with her and my mom thinks it's horrifyingly inappropriate.

I also wanted to add that my nephew is embarrassed by this and doesn't like it. His mom makes him because she doesn't think it's safe for him to go into a public men's room by himself.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

The women's restroom is so private, though. I don't think I would care if a grown man was in there, as they always have separate stalls.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bramble* 
I also wanted to add that *my nephew is embarrassed by this and doesn't like it*. His mom makes him because she doesn't think it's safe for him to go into a public men's room by himself.

The bolded would be a big part of the descision to not take him into the lady's room anymore.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

My son is 9 and has been going into the bathroom by himself for at least 3 years, but I am still comfortable taking him in if I am in a really unfamiliar place and am getting that momma bear vibe.

Assuming this child is developmentally "normal", then I think she should probably start giving him some room of his own in this area and can do so in places they are familiar with.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bramble* 
I also wanted to add that my nephew is embarrassed by this and doesn't like it. His mom makes him because she doesn't think it's safe for him to go into a public men's room by himself.

In that case, I would argue that your sister needs to find times/places that she is comfortable letting him use the men's room on his own. This is more about his level of freedom/development than it is about propriety. As parents we have to balance our need for peace of mind with our children's needs to be independent, and your sister is leaning too far to one side right now. HTH.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

My oldest son is 8 and a half and sometimes comes in with me. I'm more likely to make him use the women's room when I have to go too, or have to take the younger kids in. He's a wanderer still, and I worry that if I leave him outside the bathroom to wait for us, he might wander off. If only he has to go, depending upon the location, I'll let him go.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

The kid is uncomfortable, so obviously that's a sign that it is time for the situation to change. With older ones in my charge, in certain places and situations, I've been know to open the bathroom door to the men's bathroom a bit, shout the question "anybody in here," wait for response or lack thereof, then wait out an exit if someone is in there or go in to confirm when nobody is. Then wait outside the door and holler in to check every minute or so. If she is *that* worried, she could do that.

ETA: P.S. If she is worried about sexual abuse, it is a bit of an irrational worry since the vast, vast majority of abuse is by someone known and close to the child. Though yes, something could happen, I'm personally just as worried about things like sanitation.


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

I take my kids and some of the girls I babysit to swimming lessons and there is a sign there that says children 7 and older are to use the change room that's gender-appropriate. It's a very open concept change room with the only privacy being the bathroom stalls sort of seperated. I can understand the dilemna of having a 7+ year old of a different gender and wanting them to be in the same change room from a parent's perspective, but I have noticed that there is one woman who brings her approx. 9 year old son into the women's change room and it makes the young girls VERY uncomfortable. Also, it seems highly inappropriate for a 7+ year old GIRL to accompany her father into the male change room/public washroom, so to my way of thinking the reverse should also be true?

When we are out and about, I try to make sure the children in my care use the gender-appropriate washroom if they are 5+ BUT also use the buddy room, no one goes in alone! What I really LOVE is family washrooms which are most child-friendly places these days!!! Then there's no dilemna!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
I take my kids and some of the girls I babysit to swimming lessons and there is a sign there that says children 7 and older are to use the change room that's gender-appropriate. It's a very open concept change room with the only privacy being the bathroom stalls sort of seperated. I can understand the dilemna of having a 7+ year old of a different gender and wanting them to be in the same change room from a parent's perspective, but I have noticed that there is one woman who brings her approx. 9 year old son into the women's change room and it makes the young girls VERY uncomfortable. Also, it seems highly inappropriate for a 7+ year old GIRL to accompany her father into the male change room/public washroom, so to my way of thinking the reverse should also be true?

When we are out and about, I try to make sure the children in my care use the gender-appropriate washroom if they are 5+ BUT also use the buddy room, no one goes in alone! What I really LOVE is family washrooms which are most child-friendly places these days!!! Then there's no dilemna!

This is tough, because I know if I sent my 8 year old into a locker room all by himself, I might have no idea how long he would spend in there screwing around, or leaving out another door or something. As well, I have a problem with the idea of sending a little boy into a room full of naked men that I don't know. I really think all gyms and pools need to have family changing rooms - at least large stalls within a larger locker room intended for parents with children.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Depends on the kid. Puberty (11 - 12 +) is definitely too old unless the child is special-needs.

If your nephew is embarrassed, he's too old. She needs to just stand and wait outside and not take her eyes off the door if she's that worried. Any child with the sense of modesty and independence has the right to be treated accordingly, you know?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theatermom* 
As long as the child isn't rolling on the floors peeking under the stalls, then it really shouldn't matter what gender s/he is.









:

My 7 yo. still goes into the women's with me. He'll probably still be doing so at age 9.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

My recently turned 8yr old boy still goes in with me.


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

I mostly let my son decide what feels comfortable for him. Airports, busy museums, etc he choses the women's. The grocery store or a restaurant he choses to go alone to the men's. He is almost 9.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

My 8yo goes in with me in busy, public places. In smaller, more managable places he goes into the men's by himself.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Depends on the place and what the kid feels comfortable with. It's not as it's any laws saying only ladies in the ladies room, we see both sexes in both bathrooms where we live. Whatever is not occupied, use it. The ladies room have separate stalls even, so I don't see the problem.
The kid being uncomfortable however, that's what would make me let him go into the mens room with me just outside (and with some "rules" not to talk to anyone and holler for me if he's uncomfortable), or even better; find a family restroom/changing room he can use.


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## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

My 7 yr old let me know almost a year ago that he didn't like coming in the womens room. I do my very best to find family restrooms, and like the ones that are large bathrooms that even still have a stall inside. So it's almost like he's in the bathroom at home and I'm in the hallway. Or like at our mall, I can actually stand outside the family bathroom while he goes, and he can have his privacy.

However, he is still accepting when I tell him 'I don't think it's safe, please come in here with me' he does. I try not to ask that of him too often.

If he needs to go, but I don't, we go over the "rules" and I stand outside the mens room. The rules being - don't talk to anyone, go into the stall, lock the door, potty, come out wash hands, come out to me. Only once has he talked to a stranger in the bathroom, a man was washing his hands and my son couldn't find the paper towels to dry his own hands with.

It's tough! I remember thinking my brother was WAY TOO OLD to be going to the bathroom with my mom, and he was 9 when my mother had to finally say something. But then, my brother is a shy kid and family bathrooms weren't all that popular.


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## mommysarah5 (Jun 22, 2009)

I think taking the childs feelings into consideration is important. Trips to the bathroom before leaving the house. and also if he feels uncomfortable he can holler "I'll be right out mom!" or something. Wow, what a tough situation, I never thought of it before but I wouldnt want my child out of sight either... Some stores have those "family restrooms" that might work? they have a toilet and a changing table and its just like one of those closet style bathrooms or whatever.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

I dont think 9 is too old! I am however haunted by this story from when I lived here .....

A 20-year-old man is being held on suspicion of murder in the death of a 9-year-old boy whose throat was slashed in a public restroom Saturday night.

http://www.cnn.com/US/9811/16/boy.killed.02/


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

This comes up really often.

I don't care how old boys are when they are in the women's restroom because there are separate stalls. Though if he's uncomfortable, they should work to find some better solution, IMO.

I am uncomfortable in changing rooms, though, because my dd would be embarrassed to change in front of a boy her age (7) or older, or even a little younger. Though I understand why moms bring them in. There needs to be some workable solution for that issue, but I don't know what it is. The Y I used to go to didn't allow boys above the age of 3, and 4 seems too young to change alone, though.


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

I honestly don't know. We are fortunate that most of our restrooms have a family one, so it wouldn't be a big deal to go in w/him.

I just asked DH how old K would have to be to go into a restroom by himself while we are out. He said ten. He remembers very clearly going to the restroom by himself and having a guy ask him questions-are you here alone type of things.









I certainly wouldn't want him to be embarrassed, but it would all depend on the situation.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties* 
I dont think 9 is too old! I am however haunted by this story from when I lived here .....

A 20-year-old man is being held on suspicion of murder in the death of a 9-year-old boy whose throat was slashed in a public restroom Saturday night.

http://www.cnn.com/US/9811/16/boy.killed.02/


I'm from San Diego, and that story is inbedded in my psyche, too. I know that rationally speaking, the odds of something like that happening are very small, but it doesn't really help the gut fear go away.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I'm from San Diego, and that story is inbedded in my psyche, too. I know that rationally speaking, the odds of something like that happening are very small, but it doesn't really help the gut fear go away.

It isn't likely to happen, and there's also a story about it happening to a 15-year-old out there, and I read recently about it happening to a 22-year-old. You can't bring a 15-year-old or 22-year-old into the bathroom with you all the time. I don't know what the age is where they should go, and I don't have a problem with 8-year-old boys in the women's restroom, but this risk unfortunately is there no matter what age.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I think it depends on more than age. I would base it also on the maturity level of the child. If my DD were to go to a bathroom alone right now (age 7) she would likely take her time and poke around. It also depends on "where" the bathroom is at. For instance, at Walmart I did not allow my son to go in that bathroom alone until he was around 8/9 years old for safety reasons. I do remember that. We used family bathrooms at stores that had them when possible as well. At a grocery store, gas station, or some place where there is likely no one in the restroom I allowed him to go in alone by age 8. I'd say 8 is a good age. But again it depends on several things.









The only place I'm uncomfortable when a boy walks in over the age of 7 is in the YMCA girls changing area or some place like that. I think over 7 that a boy is too old. My DD saw a boy around her same age come in the Y girl's locker room with his mom a few weeks back during swim lessons and she was completely embarrassed and wanted to leave right away.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bug-a-Boo's Mama* 
I just asked DH how old K would have to be to go into a restroom by himself while we are out. He said ten. He remembers very clearly going to the restroom by himself and having a guy ask him questions-are you here alone type of things.









My DH was at a Borders book store once when he was in his late 20's and using the potty and a guy in the next stall over stood up on the toilet and was staring down at him saying things to him. DH got up and chased the guy out but couldn't catch him.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Ds is 8. He's not comfortable going into the men's room by himself. We're starting small by sending him in the men's room at church (where no one else ever is). I know lots of 8 year olds who wouldn't go into the women's room and lots who would. I figure that by the time ds is 10 or 12, he might be ready himself.

But I have trouble seeing how it would be inappropriate for a boy under about 14. Really. Women's restrooms have stalls. So, it's not like their going to see anything. I'd rather have a 10 year old in the women's room, then in a men's room peeing into a common urinal. The potential for abuse is higher there. (I suspect it's a rare occurrence indeed, but I'd rather my shy son be with me because he wouldn't be able to stick up for himself.)


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## Mama2Rio (Oct 25, 2008)

this might be a little off topic, but if i have to pee and there is a line for the woman's bathroom and no one in the mens, i'll use the mens. i really don't care if a guy is in the woman's bathroom.... i just don't see what the problem is, what if the pluming in the opposite sexes bathroom was funky and you really had to go? yk?


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

i think nine is plenty old enough to go into a bathroom by himself. I let my 6 year old go in by herself with me outside the door. my 9 year old can go into any bathroom by herself and be resonsbile for the 6 year old. definitely if he is embarrassed he should not be made to go in there. parhaps there is a family or employee bathroom he could go in by himself? almost any large retail establishment here has family bathrooms for this very reason. they are rarely anywhere near the regular bathrooms. and smaller places usually have single bathrooms anyway.


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## mamakaikai (Apr 17, 2009)

At our pool, there is a sign on the wall that says that children of the opposite sex must not enter the change room after age 3. I find age 3 to be ridiculously young to impose this rule. I imagine that mother's of boys or father's of girls age 3 and up are to use the 'family' change rooms...but I thought it to be interesting that the city or someone decided that the official too old for opposite sex to share change rooms was age 3.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Well, if it's *after* age 3, then it's 4. Though yes, that is still young. I don't know what the right age would be.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Here is one I don't understand..... (just saw this today in Target)

Mom sent her son (about nine-ish) into the women's restroom... but, she didn't go in there herself. He looked mortified. Especially when she kept opening the door and yelling "BRANDON ARE YOU OK IN THERE?"

So... when your son is old enough to go into the women's restroom alone??? He's old enough to go into the men's restroom alone.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

At our health club there are signs posted that children of the opposite gender over the age of 3 must use the family locker room if accompanied by a paernt of the opposite sex.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Here is one I don't understand..... (just saw this today in Target)

Mom sent her son (about nine-ish) into the women's restroom... but, she didn't go in there herself. He looked mortified. Especially when she kept opening the door and yelling "BRANDON ARE YOU OK IN THERE?"

So... when your son is old enough to go into the women's restroom alone??? He's old enough to go into the men's restroom alone.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable by anyone's son of any age in the women's room when escorted by his mother (well not a 45-year-old with his 70-year-old mother . . . but you get the idea), but at some point it would feel weird to have him in there without his mother.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

I generally am not bothered by boys accompanying their parents into the women's restroom (with the exception of the one boy who kept peeking into my stall one evening - he was of school age and old enough to know not to peek) but I am bothered by boys in the women's locker room that are school are or older. Recently I was at the pool with my hubby and 2 daughters, aged 7 and 5, and when we entered the locker room to change to go home there was a 7 year old boy (know his age because my daughter had said earlier while swimming that he was in the other 1st grade last year) who was wandering around the locker room naked and staring at people while his mom showered. My daughter was extremely uncomfortable with him watching her (possibly because he was standing there naked) and refused to change or shower until he left so we went back into the pool and waited until they had finished. We did mention it to the person at the member desk and they said that they had had complaints in the past about the same member but that she ignored their repeated requests that she needed to use the family rest rooms.


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?

I don't have a son, but my dh did take my dd into the men's room when they were out, until she was about 5. But the fact is that the women's room is safer than the men's room, so I don't know if it's the same thing. She didn't go in by herself because she needed help with clothing more than for safety, and I'd keep a son with me longer than a daughter if I had a son.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?

Yes, my husband takes my daughter into the men's room.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

my dd have never been in a mens room with their dad. In the ladies room women are not dropping their pants in front of everyone and my sons would not have likely seen anything. where as the chances of my daughters seeing a man in all his glory in the mens room is almost 100%. but this is actually something I think about goinjg out with the girls or sending them to the bathroom with their dad was weather or not he would have to drag them into the mens room. if there was not a private option I would take them to the bathroom or dd wouldn't go where ever with dad alone.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

My dh did take our dd into the men's room when she was too young to go into the women's by herself.


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## SnapCracklePop (May 4, 2004)

My DH takes dd 4 into the men's room only if absolutely necessary because it is usually a lot dirtier than the women's. He has (very rarely) asked for a woman to stand outside the women's restroom so he could take dd in there before.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

If the child in question is uncomfortable, then it's time for him to go to the men's by himself. The "danger" is mostly in the mind of the parent, anyway.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?

I have taken DD into the mens room before, Dh has take DD into the mens room before. She never saw a man's genetals in there nor was she ever harmed.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
my dd have never been in a mens room with their dad. In the ladies room women are not dropping their pants in front of everyone and my sons would not have likely seen anything. where as the chances of my daughters seeing a man in all his glory in the mens room is almost 100%. but this is actually something I think about goinjg out with the girls or sending them to the bathroom with their dad was weather or not he would have to drag them into the mens room. if there was not a private option I would take them to the bathroom or dd wouldn't go where ever with dad alone.

Just to let you know, men don't drop their pants in front of everyone either. There are discreet ways to take a pee and most men won't even come across a man who opts not to do it in a public toilet.


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## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?

Yes, my husband takes my daughter more often than I do when we're out. If it's not a family bathroom, he picks her up, she puts her head on his shoulder and covers her eyes, he puts his hand over her face gently and takes her into a stall.


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

I think my ds was around 6 when he started using the mens bathroom. I just make sure I stand outside the door and if he's taking too long, I'll poke my head in and ask if everything is ok. I know there are wierdo's out there, but a minute or two in a bathroom isnt that bad...and I think 9 is too old.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Just to let you know, men don't drop their pants in front of everyone either. There are discreet ways to take a pee and most men won't even come across a man who opts not to do it in a public toilet.

Yes, indeed. Coming from one who has used the mens bathroom as much, or probably more, than the ladies, I've yet too see a man in his "full glory" while peeing in there, or whatever the term was.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frontstreetmama* 
those of you who take your sons into the women's washroom, (if applicable) do your male partners take their daughters of the same age bracket into the men's washroom with them when they're out? what do they do?

Yes of course. What should they do otherwise when alone? Not pee?
I guess they do the same as I do, look for a family bathroom/changing room, and if there isn't one, I go to the ladies with them, and he goes to the mens with them.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Mom sent her son (about nine-ish) into the women's restroom... but, she didn't go in there herself. He looked mortified. Especially when she kept opening the door and yelling "BRANDON ARE YOU OK IN THERE?"

I actually have done something similar, per his case plan instructions, with a kid I was fostering who was sexually reactive. You never know.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
my dd have never been in a mens room with their dad. In the ladies room women are not dropping their pants in front of everyone and my sons would not have likely seen anything. where as the chances of my daughters seeing a man in all his glory in the mens room is almost 100%. but this is actually something I think about goinjg out with the girls or sending them to the bathroom with their dad was weather or not he would have to drag them into the mens room. if there was not a private option I would take them to the bathroom or dd wouldn't go where ever with dad alone.

They'd really most likely see their backs standing at the urinals. Anyway, this was not a concern of mine. At that age, dd was not interested in that and wouldn't have cared. I just think it's too bad to limit kids' interactions with their dads due to what bathroom options are available.


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## valsblondies (Jul 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
This is tough, because I know if I sent my 8 year old into a locker room all by himself, I might have no idea how long he would spend in there screwing around, or leaving out another door or something. As well, I have a problem with the idea of sending a little boy into a room full of naked men that I don't know. I really think all gyms and pools need to have family changing rooms - at least large stalls within a larger locker room intended for parents with children.

This is my issue. Womens bathrooms are completely private- everyone is doing their business behind a closed locked door. In mens bathrooms, the urinals provide no pricvacy. There is nothing to stop a man from exposing himself to a child and lets face it Im not paranoid but there are a lot of perverts out there.

I get very upset that the locker rooms at pools are usually 3 years and under for boys. A 4 year old get showered and changed on his own? Its ridiculous. I ignore the signs.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

When my boys were able to go without my help, they went into the boy's restroom. I see no reason whatsoever to bring them in to the women's if they don't need help. They're capable of doing it on their own now!

So I guess the answer is what, 3 or so? I'm not in the slightest teeniest iota bit concernced about a pervert or someone hurting them. It's a safe world, it's not CSI.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Both of my kids were using the appropriate restroom on their own from ~6. No, I didn't go into the men's to 'check it out", but I did keep an eye for when he came out. A child approaching puberty? (An OP mentioned boys under 14.) Should certainly be using the same gendered restroom.

As for locker rooms? Past 5, other arrangements need to be made. IMO


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

[QUOTEIt seems like he's old enough to use a public bathroom by himself, with me outside the door, but not old enough to wait outside for me while I use one. So I still take him in with me. ][/QUOTE]

Yes, I think there are two different scenario's here

1) Is it the *child* who needs to use the restroom...and the mother can wait outside the door

or

2) is it the mother who needs to use the restroom and if the child didn't go in with her, she would need to leave him outside alone

In scenario #1....well my oldest is a girl and 7..but for at least the 1.5 years we have been letting her go into smaller restrooms (like at resteraunts, etc. where there is at most 2-3 stalls) by herself as long as I can see the entrance to the restroom clearly. If we are in big, busy place like a mall, airport, travel rest area...I would definitely go in with her.

3). However, I would NOT feel comfortable leaving her outside the restroom by herself while I used it. I can't imagine doing that until she is at least 10 or so.

My boy is only 16 months so we have awhile before we get to this point with me...however...DH has dealt with it when he is out by himself with the girls. I believe he always sends them in together and waits outside, however I don't think he has ever taken them anyplace with *big* restrooms....usually just places like small resteraunts or parks, etc where the restrooms are at most 2-3 stalls.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

i guess we are just really modest people but if there is even a chance for them to catch a glimpse of penis it was too much for me. like I said though there are usually other options around here such a individual bathrooms and family bathrooms. all the gyms have family locker rooms with private changing/showering areas and locking doors. maybe we just live in a really modest part of the country. . .


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## Althetrainer (May 26, 2009)

My son is 7 years old and he has been using the men's room for almost a year. DH takes little man with him when we're out shopping together. For the time when I go out with little man alone and he needs to use a public restroom, I stand right outside the men's door (it's awkward but I don't mind) and tell him if he needs anything just yell. He doesn't seem to mind. In fact, little man has a harder time peeing into a bush i.e. hiking in a mountain, than going to a public washroom by himself.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

ameliabedelia;14106161
2) is it the mother who needs to use the restroom and if the child didn't go in with her said:


> Why?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Having just had a swimming class where some older boys were in the women's locker room, I think your kid needs to stop coming in when the other women will worry that you'll get pissy about your ds seeing them without underwear.

AND GO IN WITH THEM!!!! These boys I was like "WTF? Did they just wander in here alone or what?"


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SnapCracklePop* 
My DH takes dd 4 into the men's room only if absolutely necessary because it is usually a lot dirtier than the women's. He has (very rarely) asked for a woman to stand outside the women's restroom so he could take dd in there before.









: Dh has taken Lina to the bathroom (he pees her into the urinal







) before and come right back out and asked me to take her to the women's bathroom instead since the men's room was so icky.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SandraS* 
Why?

I don't know about the person who said this, but the reason I have trouble leaving my 8 year old out while I'm in the bathroom is that he's a wanderer. If I left him outside a bathroom while I went in to go myself or with the little kids, there's a good chance I'd come out and have no freaking idea where he went. Impulse control is not his forte.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Lilyka wrote:

Quote:

In the ladies room women are not dropping their pants in front of everyone and my sons would not have likely seen anything. where as the chances of my daughters seeing a man in all his glory in the mens room is almost 100%.








My dad used to take me places all the time, and until I was about 7 he'd take me into the men's room. He'd say, "Guys, I'm bringing my little daughter in here," and any men at the urinals would go, "







A GIRL!!" and squinch up against the wall so there was no chance of seeing anything even if I was trying.







My partner tells me that almost that level of discretion is normal in men's rooms--the reason they can have such openness is that there's an unspoken agreement that you don't show and you don't look.

Sure, if one of the men in the restroom happened to be a pervert who wanted to flash your child, he could do it. But how many perverts are brazen enough to flash a little girl WHILE HER FATHER IS STANDING RIGHT THERE?!

My son is 4, and I'm sometimes comfortable leaving him outside the restroom while I go (in situations that feel very safe, when he has something to do and doesn't WANT to come with me) but it'll be at least a year or two before he's using restrooms by himself except at school--he can't reach things, he's afraid of loud-flushing toilets, he sometimes needs help wiping, etc. When he is ready, I think we'll start with his using single-user men's rooms in safe, familiar places and slowly work up to bigger, scarier places.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

DH takes our 4-year-old DD in with him. To be honest, even if I'm available he'll take her in because the men's bathrooms don't have lineups like the women's do!

DD seems absolutely fine with it at this point. If she wasn't comfortable, he wouldn't take her.


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

My husband has been sending my daughter into the ladies room by herself since she was able to complete the task by herself....about age 4. What exactly are we thinking will happen to a 9 year old in the 90 seconds he is in the bathroom?

I would hate to live wherever it is that men in a family resturant, mall, or whatever walk around flashing little boys...


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairejour* 
My husband has been sending my daughter into the ladies room by herself since she was able to complete the task by herself....about age 4. What exactly are we thinking will happen to a 9 year old in the 90 seconds he is in the bathroom?

I would hate to live wherever it is that men in a family resturant, mall, or whatever walk around flashing little boys...

Ayup. to both.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

My new 5 yo is not yet ready to go by herself, I don't think, but somewhere around 6 I think she will. 4 is ludicrously low, IMO. 5, maybe, 6 probably. 7 sure, unless the situation is particularly weird.

I am surprised to learn that I have pretty strong feelings about the swim lesson change room issue, though. I have absolutely no hang ups, and tend to drop trou whenever convenient, but I think early puberty is such a prickly time, and want to give them as much privacy around their bodies as they want. I think at 7 they should go into the right change room. Not for the grown ups, but for the other little kids. Puberty often happens at more like 8 or 9, which is the age when I think if they want privacy, they should absolutely have it, and that right should be privileged above the right of a mother to bring her son (or father/daughter) into a change room to change. So I think you have to change at home if your 7 yo can't handle changing by themselves (which I think is also perfectly possible, and definitely makes for a conundrum). Recently I was changing with my kids in the locker room after swimming, and there was an 8/9 year old boy definitely inappropriately staring(he wasn't changing, just staying in his suit. He was waiting for his mom, it was all kind of awkward.) I could see an 8/9 year old girl kind of freaking out in the corner, poor thing. I had half a mind to go say something to the boy's mom, but I couldn't figure out how to say it so she might actually leave instead of getting her back up and asserting her right to be there.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairejour* 
My husband has been sending my daughter into the ladies room by herself since she was able to complete the task by herself....about age 4. What exactly are we thinking will happen to a 9 year old in the 90 seconds he is in the bathroom?

I would hate to live wherever it is that men in a family resturant, mall, or whatever walk around flashing little boys...

I agree, but my worry isn't so much what could happen to my DS while he's in the men's room alone, but what could happen if _I_ need to use the restroom and have to leave him outside by himself. He could get distracted and wander off, then be unable to find his way back or something. I remember going out the wrong door of a campground bathroom as a kid and being totally disoriented because nothing looked right, and wandering around trying to find our campsite, and I got myself good and lost in a very short amount of time, even though I was a "big kid" of 8 or 9 years old.


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairejour* 
My husband has been sending my daughter into the ladies room by herself since she was able to complete the task by herself....about age 4. What exactly are we thinking will happen to a 9 year old in the 90 seconds he is in the bathroom?

I would hate to live wherever it is that men in a family resturant, mall, or whatever walk around flashing little boys...

For me it is not what someone will do to my child but what my child will do to himself. He is very shy and doesn't want to have to respond to someone who may say "That soap doesn't work," "this stall is empty, or "nice day" or some other very threatening thing like that.







He worries that perhaps there won't be paper towels so how would he deal, etc. I know he could deal with it but sometimes he would rather not have to worry.

And for locker rooms he has more fears to imagine- what if he can't remember his locker number? What if he can't get the shower on? or off? The last time he used the locker room alone he barely dried off, then dropped his clothes in a puddle and cut his toe on bench. He came out fully dressed but still dripping wet while leaving a bloody trail. This is because the locker room was crowded with the high school swim team. When we use the bathroom I don't help him at all but he feels more competent because he isn't alone.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Lilyka wrote:







My dad used to take me places all the time, and until I was about 7 he'd take me into the men's room. He'd say, "Guys, I'm bringing my little daughter in here," and any men at the urinals would go, "







A GIRL!!" and squinch up against the wall so there was no chance of seeing anything even if I was trying.







My partner tells me that almost that level of discretion is normal in men's rooms--the reason they can have such openness is that there's an unspoken agreement that you don't show and you don't look.

Yup.

Urinal ettiquit dictates that you reveal nothing! You also don't look at anyone, talk to anyone or take the urinal right next to anyone.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Yup.

Urinal ettiquit dictates that you reveal nothing! You also don't look at anyone, talk to anyone or take the urinal right next to anyone.

Even when it's very crowded? Or is it just that every other urinal is a waste of space?


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Even when it's very crowded? Or is it just that every other urinal is a waste of space?









Not a waste of space, a buffer. If it's crowded you wait, guys don't take very long. If you really have to go, then use the stall or go outside. But never stand next to a another man at the urinals. It's creepy.


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## AnnaMouse (Apr 6, 2009)

I noticed that most people stated that they would let their sons go by themselves into a bathroom that is least likely to have other people in it such as at a restaurant, etc. I am just the opposite. I was more apt to allow my sons to go to a crowded restroom. There are more people to chase off predators. I can't imagine most men allowing a child to be molested in the restroom while they casually did their business and got out. At Disneyworld or the mall, etc., if someone did try to molest your son, there would be plenty of other patrons ready to beat the molester's ass. A quiet restroom which is generally empty would be an ideal spot for a molester to hang out waiting for his next victim. Give me the busy public restrooms any day.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not a waste of space, a buffer. If it's crowded you wait, guys don't take very long. If you really have to go, then use the stall or go outside. But never stand next to a another man at the urinals. It's creepy.









According to my husband, that is very true.

I remember how upset he was when in an uncrowded bathroom a guy took the urinal next to his. Apparently that is a big no-no.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
According to my husband, that is very true.

I remember how upset he was when in an uncrowded bathroom a guy took the urinal next to his. Apparently that is a big no-no.

Huge no-no. For one thing, you run the risk of getting severly harmed for being pervy.

Urinal ettiquette is serious business.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

OP, wow I'm surprised the nephew doesn't put up a fuss. My DS started refusing to come in the women's bathroom at age 5 and no coaxing would convince him.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not a waste of space, a buffer. If it's crowded you wait, guys don't take very long. If you really have to go, then use the stall or go outside. But never stand next to a another man at the urinals. It's creepy.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Huge no-no. For one thing, you run the risk of getting severly harmed for being pervy.

Urinal ettiquette is serious business.

Yeah, indeed. Using the mens room a lot has even thought me this just through observation.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

This topic always causes such debate when it comes up on MDC -- as it does every few months.

DS started going in to restrooms alone when he was about 4.5. He was fine with it, I was fine with it. Others may find it "ludicrously low"







but it worked for us.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AnnaMouse* 
I noticed that most people stated that they would let their sons go by themselves into a bathroom that is least likely to have other people in it such as at a restaurant, etc. I am just the opposite. I was more apt to allow my sons to go to a crowded restroom. There are more people to chase off predators. I can't imagine most men allowing a child to be molested in the restroom while they casually did their business and got out. At Disneyworld or the mall, etc., if someone did try to molest your son, there would be plenty of other patrons ready to beat the molester's ass. A quiet restroom which is generally empty would be an ideal spot for a molester to hang out waiting for his next victim. Give me the busy public restrooms any day.

This is a good point. The one local event that freaked me out about this was a one-person restroom in a small restaurant. Someone was waiting and knew they'd be alone in there.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DariusMom* 
This topic always causes such debate when it comes up on MDC -- as it does every few months.

DS started going in to restrooms alone when he was about 4.5. He was fine with it, I was fine with it. Others may find it "ludicrously low"







but it worked for us.

Duuuuuude, chill out with the eyerolls. It's "ludicrously low" to REQUIRE a 4 year old not to be in opposite gender locker rooms, as someone mentioned above, posted for swim changing rooms requiring anyone above 3 in the right gender room, not for a 4 year old to be willing to go in by themselves.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hempmama* 
Duuuuuude, chill out with the eyerolls. It's "ludicrously low" to REQUIRE a 4 year old not to be in opposite gender locker rooms, as someone mentioned above, posted for swim changing rooms requiring anyone above 3 in the right gender room, not for a 4 year old to be willing to go in by themselves.

I posted above about the rule of 3 and above and no child is forced to go into a locker room alone, there is a large family locker room with 2 large private changing rooms for those families to use so I do not believe that the rule is ludicrous.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
This is a good point. The one local event that freaked me out about this was a one-person restroom in a small restaurant. Someone was waiting and knew they'd be alone in there.

If it was a single use washroom (I am imagining a restroom much like I would have at home where the user would lock the door when using) I'm not sure why it would freak you out as you could literally watch him walk in the restroom and stand guard outside.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
If it was a single use washroom (I am imagining a restroom much like I would have at home where the user would lock the door when using) I'm not sure why it would freak you out as you could literally watch him walk in the restroom and stand guard outside.

What freaked me out was an actual news story of a kid who went into a single person restroom at a fast-food place and was raped in the restroom. The rapist was waiting inside when the kid walked in.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
What freaked me out was an actual news story of a kid who went into a single person restroom at a fast-food place and was raped in the restroom. The rapist was waiting inside when the kid walked in.

Yikes - that would completely freak me out too!!!!

Guess I will be checking the washroom from now on - sad that we have to do that but better safe than sorry. In that case the best thing would be to walk in the washroom and take a quick peek before taking up your guard position outside the door - lets your little one have some privacy but also gives you piece of mind!


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## deny_zoo29 (Sep 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
The women's restroom is so private, though. I don't think I would care if a grown man was in there, as they always have separate stalls.

I agree with this but if as you said your nephew is embarassed then he should be allowed to go to the men's bathroom on his own. Maybe have a male friend, older child, uncle, someone take him in the first few times to make mom ok with it. By 9 he should be able to go on his own (IMO).


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## Gabe'sMummy (Dec 4, 2008)

My brother is 11 and I can't remember when he started using the mens bathroom on his own but he does now mostly (he has special needs, so I imagine in a crowded place / airport for example, if he was just with his mother, she would probably take him in the women's to be on the safe side). My stepbrother is 6 years older than him so he must have gone in with him, from quite an early age.

DS is 14 months and we often use the Disabled bathroom (not many family bathrooms here) as the space is just easier with a toddler, and if he is in a stroller I obviously don't want to leave him outside the stall. That may be a bit paranoid but the time it takes to pee someone might have taken him.

I can't see the issue with an older boy using the women's - it wouldn't bother me if a 12 year old boy was in there with his mother - some kids have special needs so you can't really judge it, as long as they aren't looking under the stalls, it doesn't matter.

Swimming pool locker rooms are different though. I think they should provide more family rooms and cubicles. I was so prudish as a child and HAD to use cubicles, I didn't even like to see my mother naked from a very young age let alone other strange women. Saw my dad naked (by mistake!!) age 5 and then didn't see a naked man until I was 15....and I was totally freaked by it!!! Aaaarghhh!!


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
*i guess we are just really modest people but if there is even a chance for them to catch a glimpse of penis it was too much for me.* like I said though there are usually other options around here such a individual bathrooms and family bathrooms. all the gyms have family locker rooms with private changing/showering areas and locking doors. maybe we just live in a really modest part of the country. . .

What's wrong with a girl catching a glimpse of penis? How is that different than a young boy seeing a quick view of an adult penis?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not a waste of space, a buffer. If it's crowded you wait, guys don't take very long. If you really have to go, then use the stall or go outside. But never stand next to a another man at the urinals. It's creepy.









That's good to know. I'm a single mother and will have to teach my son (just turned five) these things when he starts using the men's room.


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

I will be bringing my 5 year old with me for a loooooong time, but he is autistic, and he still needs help at least 50% of the time...


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Polliwog, you can google urinal ettiquette and get a list.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I'm wondering why they don't just put stalls in men's rooms. . .


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## buttercups.nest (Jul 2, 2009)

Last year we went camping and the bathrooms were coed...it really didn't bother me. What I have a problem with is 9 year old boys at the swimming pool that are in the ladies changeroom. Because I now have kids I change out in the open and 3yrs, 4, even 5 doesn't really bother me. But at 9 years old I really think they should be either in the family room or the mens changeroom.

I can understand a moms nervousness at letting her son go into the mens alone...depending on the place, but also the age and maturity of the child. I don't think I've ever personally seen a 9yr old boy in the ladies bathroom but I wouldn't feel extremely uncomfortable either. But again that goes back to the maturity of the child...the original poster mentioned his nephew is uncomfortable going in so maybe its time he goes to the mens room.


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

Huh. One more thing to think about with this boy of mine.

Sigh.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hempmama* 
Duuuuuude, chill out with the eyerolls. It's "ludicrously low" to REQUIRE a 4 year old not to be in opposite gender locker rooms, as someone mentioned above, posted for swim changing rooms requiring anyone above 3 in the right gender room, not for a 4 year old to be willing to go in by themselves.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I posted above about the rule of 3 and above and no child is forced to go into a locker room alone, there is a large family locker room with 2 large private changing rooms for those families to use so I do not believe that the rule is ludicrous.











Sorry! Misread the statement! I stand corrected!


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

Last year we went camping and the bathrooms were coed...it really didn't bother me. What I have a problem with is 9 year old boys at the swimming pool that are in the ladies changeroom. Because I now have kids I change out in the open and 3yrs, 4, even 5 doesn't really bother me. But at 9 years old I really think they should be either in the family room or the mens changeroom.
I take my 8 yo into the women's change room at the pool when there is no family room alternative. In fact it is only the last year that he has been able to go to men's bathrooms alone. He is ASD and it is just too overwhelming for him to go in alone. Once I tried sending him into the men's change room and he panicked about all the other people in there (all 5 of them.....) and he actually crawled under the bench to change. When he came out he was crying. He was 7.5 at the time. It looked different than he expected it too (and I couldn't adequately prepare him for that as I had never been in the mens room) so he just didn't know what to do.

He looks just like every other kid and I am sure other moms get mad or uncomfortable. We walk quickly to the private stalls and try to get out quickly. In cases where there are no family rooms I just don't have another option. We are working slowly on it. It took two years of patience and gentle encouragement to get him into the mens washrooms alone. What other choice would I have in that situation?

Not every situation is as simple as a child is too old or a mom is too overprotective. And really, the responsibility should be with the establishment to provide family rooms and bathrooms NOT with the parent who is expected to send a child into a situation that is unsafe or undesirable for whatever reason.

I do send the 5 year old in on his own, but that has it's own set of problems. Send him in to use the toilet and he may not come out for 20 minutes or more. He is easily distracted. Playing with the soap dispenser is fun. Making the hand dryer go on and off is fun. Making funny faces in the mirror is fun. He could spend all day in there !


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