# please help me stop yelling, it´s kiling me



## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

i think i have no patience. people around me say i have alot. my 2yo is a little sunshine, he´s calm, doesn´t react like a lot of kids...i don´t know. he´s not perfect, has his meltdowns, doesn´t listen to me always, has a very very big temper, etc. but i loose it when i have to repeat things moer than 3 or 4 times.

by the 4th time i have to say "stop climing out of the bath you can get hurt" y end up yelling it instead. and he gets scared and starts crying and i do too cuz i feel terrible.

on the street, he´s a few steps ahead of me "stop, don´t cross the street" by the time he´s on the street i grab him by the arm, pull him back yelling. oh and this kills me.

it breaks my heart to see my baby crying like this, scared of his mom. why do i yell? i don´t like it when people yell or use their voice a little higher than usual. why do i do this then?

please i hope you can hel me to get on the path cuz i don´t want him to see yelling as a good and normal thing. i don´t want to hurt him anymore. thanks


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

I'm having the same problem--my dd will be 4 next month and my ds is 2 1/2, and I've found myself yelling a lot more than I'd like. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not nearly as patient as I'd hoped, and I'm trying to figure out how to have my lack of patience have the least effect on my kids.

Today I decided to be the mother of all mothers--the very picture of patience and attentiveness. I didn't yell at all. _However_, I spent all day hovering. I went to my kids every single time they said "Mommy, do you want to see?" or "Look what I did!" We played games, we painted, we went for a long walk, we did dress-up and Mr. Potato Head and when I saw a problem I stepped over to it and fixed it without yelling about it from across the room. I didn't check email. I didn't even turn on my computer, or open a book, or make a phone call. My kids don't nap, my DH sleeps days, so I paid close attention to two toddlers for twelve straight hours.

I AM EXHAUSTED. I don't know if I can do this again tomorrow.

With my kids, who are constantly in each other's faces, I need to be right on top of them if I don't want to yell. If my kids don't do something I've asked the first time, like SIT. DOWN. in the tub or STOP. POKING. your sister, I know myself well enough to know I need to physically step over and sit them down, or I will get irritated and unpleasant. Eventually they will learn that when I say something I'm serious, but for now they need a bit more guidance.

Good luck; keep repeating to yourself that it's a phase, it's a phase, it's a phase. We'll hope that's really true!


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

With the running into the street thing, could you practice "Freeze!" at home - turn on music and dance round, then cut the music off and yell "FREEZE!" and stay in one position for a few seconds. If you're into, he will too. After a few sessions of freeze at home, try it outside with no music. I have no idea how long it'll take for a 2 year old to get it, my DD (21 mo) still doesn't, but we haven't practiced much at home.

Or, hold his hand until he's bigger.

I find the more playful I am, the easier DD takes directives.

Does he like the bath? If he's climbing out, the very first time eh starts to climb out I'd say "All done! Bye Bye bath!" no matter how long (or short) he's been in there. After a few times of that, he'll get the picture that climbing out = no more bath.

if he hates the bath, try to make it more fun. DD loves splashing aruond, playing with a plastic cup to pour water all over herself, etc. Some new toys, adding bubbles or food coloring to the water, might entice him to stay longer.

Oh, also, I try not to say anything more than 3 times. The first time I ask her to do something (for example, sit on the potty seat while brushing her teeth), I give her a moment to sit down. If she doesn't, I say it again while moving toward her. If she's still not sitting down, I say it a third time (depending on how close/far away I was, if I was right there in the bathroom with her this would happen right after my second request) and actually physically take her back to the potty and ask her to sit. Otherwise, I end up with her painting the walls with her toothbrush, her toothbrush in the laundry or diaper pail, etc.


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

it´s not a bath problem. we shower. he wants to get out cuz he´s bored already, wants to do something else.

i´ll try what you say...


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## Freeman (Sep 16, 2005)

I also need to channel some patience. While I may not yell so much, I do use a harsh/condescending tone when I have to constantly repeat myself....I've noticed that ds has been parroting this tone back to me, and I feel like a hypocrite when I tell him not to talk like that to me!







So I really need to work on that. Besides, using that tone of voice is ineffective; he still will not listen. I feel so guilty when thinking that my mean tone/criticism could be causing him to have some psychological damage or an inferior sense of self.

Nothing really works until I start "time out," and even that doesn't seem very effective most days.







He is so high-energy and is always flying/bouncing/pounding around the house and does not rest for one second or provide a moment's peace some days. I need to have more organized activities/structure for him probably, but then again I feel restricted going places/ planning things b/c of the baby's nap/nursing schedule. I've been worried lately that he is hyperactive, but in reality it is prob. just that he is a 3 y/o boy who does not like sharing any of the spotlight/parental attention with his baby brother! I feel like I have been at my wit's end lately and need to figure out what to do about it. I am going to look through this forum on book suggestions!

So, I guess I do not really have any suggestions, but you are not alone. I have heard of people putting up sweet pictures of their children around the house surrounded by words of encouragement -- as in, they are only this age once, enjoy this day and make the most of it, you will look back and miss this age, etc.... I try to remind myself to put myself in his little shoes and look at things from his perspective, but it's hard. I also try to make sure I get enough sleep and some time to myself. I feel like the day goes much better when I wake up before everyone else and have some time to myself! I would love to see some more suggestions. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!


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## MommaShark (Oct 23, 2007)

When I have PMS - my kid calls me crabby and I tend to want to yell.....unless it's a safety issue I take a breathe and count to 10......if that doesn't work and the yell is already coming out of my mouth - I change the words to something silly and do a goofy foot stomping dance to make us all laugh.......

That said, I tell my son once - I make sure that if I tell him to do it I follow through if he hasn't and I will go over to him and ask him if he needs help climbing into the bath or if he wants to do it himself (just an example). If I phrase the question so that he can say "no" I accept the no. Like would you please put on your shoes....oops now he can say no because I asked him. I need you to put on your shoes so we can go outside doesn't allow for a no.

Also......this might help break the habit:
when you wait until you've asked 4 times then get serious (yell, or get up or whatever)....you CONDITION THE CHILD TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE or chance. You child know you aren't going to do anything about it until the 4th time or so. He or she has tested you and this is what he or she has learned from you. So be prepared to help your child succeed in whatever you asked them to do the first time.....for every time you wait until the 2nd or 3rd or 4th ....you reinforce that he doesn't have to do it the first time. BE CONSISTENT!

Also, don't show emotion when your child is trying to get attention for misbehavior - stay calm and keep a poker face. Provide more positive attention.

I read it takes 7 positives (specific praise, special 1:1 time...) for any 1 instance of negative attention you give your child.....

Good Luck!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Just remember the kids' hearing is fine, so a louder volume doesn't help.









I think you should work on your boundaries and also preventing them from doing what you are saying they should not do. You also may need to keep closer to them or get close when you communicate so you get eye contact, etc so you have their attention.

I'd also not ask something 4 times, I'd ask twice and then intervene to help them get on board with whatever it is you are communicating.

I'd keep requests short and simple and still be gentle. I'm not much of a yeller except when my DS is getting further away riding his bike, and that's a little scary for me, but I'm trying to trust him too. He is very new to riding his bike on roads, he's 3.5 so it's all new. Thankfully our streets are not busy and I have some trust for drivers as well. I want to get him a big flag for is bike to help keep him visible to drivers. He is pretty good about stopping at an intersection but not great about staying close enough to the side of the road. (big digression about my child over now.







)


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## SkyMomma (Jul 13, 2006)

Hi there~ I had a couple of thoughts reading your post (& your great responses)...the first was how important it is for us mamas to recharge our own batteries. I find I'm the most impatient when I'm overwhelmed, tired, etc. So my suggestion, and I'm still really working on this myself, is to find the things that help you recharge (rest, exersize, Yoga, time to yourself, being outside, journaling, massages, whatever it is), & make sure it's part of your daily or weekly schedule. On days when I'm really bitchy (more & more often as I approach my 3rd trimester) , I try to slow down & incorporate some of my recharge things into my day with my son--we get out into nature if we can, or just go for a walk to the coffee shop for a treat.

My DS & I also do the 'practice game' an earlier poster mentioned re: safety issues (we have since he was 18mos, he's now 4) & I've found it very effective. Even now we do 'refreshers'. "You are your child's first teacher" (great book) talks about repetition, reverance & rhythm to be the most important keys to discipline for young children. We have found that of the three, repetition really really helps. I've have to out-persist my very persistant child. (Also recommend the Spirited Child book by Sheedy). But I can only do this calmly if I have enough energy within myself.

Finally, I can't recommend enough just taking a breath (of course, when it's not an immediate safety concern like running toward the street). Trying to not be reactive ourselves, trying to put the directive in positive terms rather than negative (instead of "don't climb out of the tub", saying "time to stay in the tub"), making sure that we find ways to recharge ourselves, all can help change the pattern of yelling, frustration & impatience, & hopefully, make it possible for us to enjoy being with our children more. Take care of yourself, mama!


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

oh thank you so much! so much great information! you girls are awsome!

i have a very short temper (thinking of taking some bach flowers for the impatience...) so i have to work on this.
i am very very very tired. i don´t get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep, just divorced, moving back home, still iving together and loving ourselves but knoing we need time to get ourselves up, each one by him/her self...bla bla bla... yes, stressfull months.

but iñm normally short tempered. i´ve tried everything but it´s hard. what i really feel hurting inside is that i see myself not being respectdul to my son. i ecpect him to respect me ut i don´t respect him...how can this be????? validation, asking politely, saying things in a nice tone of voice...i need these things to come to me now!!!!


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## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

Hi all, great thread, I think it's brave to admit that you yell and don't want to. I was thinking that you all might enjoy reading the "I am a new mama today" thread- you'll see so many people feeling just the same way. It's a thread for accountability about not yelling. I've really enjoyed it.

The other thing I was thinking is what about trying something totally different?What about trying Consensual Living? I don't know so much about it but it seems like a good way to avoid power struggles and the people who do it invariably say it has made things so much more peaceful in their homes.

Just a thought...IHTH


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

Consensual Living....i´ve read a bit but just don´t know how to start...


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## SkyMomma (Jul 13, 2006)

FYI--There's a great thread on the Gentle Discipline motheringdotcommune forum re: CL. For temper in general I have to recommend Yoga & meditation. Both of these can help put some space between emotions and reactions. With all the difficult changes you've been going through I know it's probably impossible to imagine adding in anything else, but even 10 minutes a day can help. Good luck!


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## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

Paakbaak, I'm not really sure how to start consensual living either, but SkyMomma is right, there is a nice thread in Gentle Discipline called Consensual Living and there are great examples and links. There is a website- I'm sorry, I don't know how to put a link in here- it is www.consensual-living.com and there's probably lots of info there.

I hope that helps and I hope things are going better


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## forrestguy (Mar 6, 2008)

Today my kids told me that I was "nice, but hot blooded". I am definately a yeller, although I've gotten a tiny bit better lately. What really helps is the same thing someone else said in that I pay really close attention to what they're doing and just make sure that they get straightened out quick, before I get to the point of yelling. My kids are eight and five, though, and they're getting pretty self sufficient. I can leave them to play on their own for 30 min. at a time without a breakdown or a fight. When you're talking about a three or four year old then I say you're lucky to get through the day if you only yell once or twice. That is such a difficult age. You just have to stop and breathe and think peaceful thoughts. It's sooooo hard, though, I know. But guess what, I don't think you're permanently damaging them. My kids are turning out beautiful despite all of the yelling I've done.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

There is two kinds of patience. real patience and pretend patience. Real patience is when anything can go wrong and you can deal...pretend patience is when you pretend you are patient and have to work hard not to completely lose it.

I am working and have been working for a long time in cultivating the first and using the second to get me through on the days when I'm just not feeling the first.

First of all..tell kids what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing. Stop climbing out of the bath can be "stay in the tub" or you could just switch to showers. I just get new tub toys every so often. Bubbles with a bubble wand you blow is the latest...they blow the bubbles in the bath. Or get in the tub with him. Wash him in the laundry tub for a change!

Second of all..if you are really burnt out..skip the bath. He won't rot









To cultivate real patience I have learned my own limitations. I don't get art supplies out when I'm pmsing. I don't go for walks when it's cold outside because I hate cold. I know my limits and I go with them. Meditate. Go to church alone. Whatever fills you up. Read trashy novels. Read really good novels. Get help. Take breaks doing things that fill up your cup.

This prevents the burnout that will lead to more and more real patience.

Then work on things to help you not blow your stack and maintain fake patience. Count to ten, eat chocolate(just a bit)go up the stairs and back down, leave the room. One that works for me is to say under my breath "lower your voice" and then to talk to the kids in a lower than usual voice. Or state it out loud. "I'm feeling my patience slipping, I need to breath" Walk with or without kids.

I really think there could be "patience training" that would be so helpful to moms. I have self-taught how to be patient and I rarely lose it now. I'm more likely to cry than yell but that's better for the kids and me because that's the real emotion coming out.


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## GoddessKristie (Oct 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
There is two kinds of patience. real patience and pretend patience. Real patience is when anything can go wrong and you can deal...pretend patience is when you pretend you are patient and have to work hard not to completely lose it.

I am working and have been working for a long time in cultivating the first and using the second to get me through on the days when I'm just not feeling the first.

First of all..tell kids what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing. Stop climbing out of the bath can be "stay in the tub" or you could just switch to showers. I just get new tub toys every so often. Bubbles with a bubble wand you blow is the latest...they blow the bubbles in the bath. Or get in the tub with him. Wash him in the laundry tub for a change!

Second of all..if you are really burnt out..skip the bath. He won't rot









To cultivate real patience I have learned my own limitations. I don't get art supplies out when I'm pmsing. I don't go for walks when it's cold outside because I hate cold. I know my limits and I go with them. Meditate. Go to church alone. Whatever fills you up. Read trashy novels. Read really good novels. Get help. Take breaks doing things that fill up your cup.

This prevents the burnout that will lead to more and more real patience.

Then work on things to help you not blow your stack and maintain fake patience. Count to ten, eat chocolate(just a bit)go up the stairs and back down, leave the room. One that works for me is to say under my breath "lower your voice" and then to talk to the kids in a lower than usual voice. Or state it out loud. "I'm feeling my patience slipping, I need to breath" Walk with or without kids.

I really think there could be "patience training" that would be so helpful to moms. I have self-taught how to be patient and I rarely lose it now. I'm more likely to cry than yell but that's better for the kids and me because that's the real emotion coming out.

I loved this!
I have found myself slipping lately as well. DS has been testing my seriousness the past week and just walking away when I ask him to do something. I get VERY impatient when I have to repeat myself. The last time we had this problem I was diligent about telling him once and then helping him through the motions. However, I don't want him to think that if I tell him to do it and he doesn't do it I'll just come do it for him. That's a line I'm not sure where to draw yet.
The most imporant thing for me during the day is to remember that I'm doing the best I can. I grew up with a yelling parent so every time I don't yell I count that as victory over my childhood.
I can only do my best.


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

i sometimes forget the threads i post! sorry for not checking in! and thank you very much for your input!
i just got divorced and moved back with mom...so it´s not easier now!
i´m gonna read more from you and get back!


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

Becoming the mom I want to be has taken two things for me - gathering support and information and learning how to care for and respect myself. For the first one I read everything I could to learn new ideas and understand why certain things are more effective than others. For me, all of the understanding and knowledge in the world isn't going to help me at that moment when one of my children just won't co-operate unless I have taken care of myself too. I need exercise every day, plenty of water to drink, B-vitamins and time to do non-Mom stuff - like read the occasional novel, talk to a friend on the phone - even if only for 5 minutes. Those things help me remember that I am much more than just Mama, even though that role is a huge part of my life right now. It helps me keep perspective and find the resources I need to try and do the things I want to do with my children.


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## Robinna (Aug 11, 2003)

I'm so glad you bumped this forward, I'm new to the forum and would have missed it. Thank you all for the great tools!
xo Robin


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## iowaorganic (May 19, 2007)

I think I personally have become a new mama since I started wispering. No more sore throat and my little girl actually listens to me. It has become my newest fabulous tool! Like get on your hands and knees and wisper as softly as possible in a sweet tone in thier ear.

An example- DD was constantly saying 'gimme cheese, mama gimme cheese, I want cheese.....'

So I wisper "DD gimme doesn't work on me. I need to hear a please in order to get you a piece of cheese. Now let me hear a please?"

And it totally works for us (right now anyway). I have been using this for a month or so and am so happy someone shared it with me.


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## luckysam (Jan 12, 2008)

You are not alone, I hate that I do this too. I am trying to accept myself with my imperfections as I seem to live more of them when I come down hard on myself, and just focus on addressing what is going on so I can change these things. Yet it is often difficult. Looking forward to reading suggestions and input.


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

i started whispering too!!!! and it works!!!! my boy started whispering back! i love it!
also, when i hear my voice louder, i remind myself to look at that little boy infront of me, to look at him real good, and my voice starts coming down...when i realize i´m yelling and scaring that small person...i stop yelling that same moment!

yes, it´s the hardest thing...and i need to read more about GD.

also, like many of you have said, it´s very very important to have time for yourself. only 5 minutes, if possible, but to remind ourselves that we are more than moms. it´s a part of our lives.
take care of ourselves, eat regularly, drink water all the time...and why not? help from maybe vitamin B, bach flowers, etc...and when i have time to excercise i´m a great mom!


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## gypsymomma4 (Apr 17, 2008)

this is a great thread. I feel like such a bad person when I yell, and I don't want to. Like a PP, I too came from a yelling family, that also used avery cruel condesending tone. I promised myself, that i wouldn't parent the way I was parented, but it is very hard. I read alot, and some times i feel like I am getting it right, and then there are days, when it seems like everybody is out of sorts and on edge, the kids fight with eachother, and everybody ends up yelling.

I do know that when I have gotten enough sleep its easier, and when I take the time to do something for me like spend an evening with friends, or work in my studio-I make cloth art dolls, it makes a huge difference.

Now if I could just find a way to encourge my children to 1. tell me the truth about wether or not they have done something. 2. do their chores without me having to remind them multiple times. 3. not pick fights with eachother.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

this is a great thread, and you have some great responses so far.

I was just going to come on and post something along these lines myself, because lately I'm having a rough time too. I think it's the weather or something, and not going outside nearly enough but I find myself yelling every day at my ds (3.5) and I feel like the worst mother ever by the end of the day. I know in my mind what I can do to stop, and I know I dont' have to yell, but in the heat of the moment, I often can't help myself.

So I've had to think of some more tricks, but here are a few that I run through...

Start the day by telling myself and my son - we are going to have a good day today. I am going to try not to yell if I get upset. I will talk to you in a nice normal voice, will you do the same for me? Or some version of this daily affirmation. I did that today and havent lost it once. I think I'll make it a habit.

If I am calling out to him to stop doing something, think of what I want him to do, and ask that instead, use the positive sense, not the negative.

Pretend he's someone else's kid. How would I speak to him then?

Pretend there are others around, or that neighbours can hear you.

Go over to him, get down on his level and repeat the request. This works well when I can remember because it brings his focus to me and reminds me of how small he is and how guilty I feel when I yell.

Change the scene. Get outside, no matter what. Everyone drop what they're doing and go outside. Just a change of scenery works a miracle sometimes.

Take a multivitamin every day and drink lots of water. If I feel the anger starting to rise up, I will go to the kitchen and drink a glass of cold water.

Try to get enough sleep.

Shower regularly, get dressed as early as possible, take a look in the mirror. Fix my hair, maybe put a little makeup on. If I feel ugly, I act ugly. No doubt about it.

All of these things use so much more time and energy, because it's the natural thing for me to want to yell, but I feel so much better about myself.


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## sacredjourney (Aug 24, 2006)

I also have this reaction, although usually when it is dangerous. Still I find myself embarrassed after I yell at dd, because she looks at me so confused, because she doesn't understand why I yelled in the first place (she is 19 mos). I find distraction works best for non- dangerous situations but I usually have to take a second to calm down, in order to think of something distracting.


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

oh i needed to look over this thread again!!! and i see great suggestions that i had forgoten, thanks again!

i loose patience around 6 or 7pm...i`m just terrible tired from the whole day with my son that i can`t take anything anymore, not 1 single meltdown, not 1 single "no" from him when i ask something of him or when i tell him it`s time to bed...i just can`t handle it well in the evening. yes, i need more time to myself during the day and alot more sleep!

i`ll keep checking in. thanks again


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