# Two Kids vs Only Child?



## sophsmom (Jun 15, 2004)

Hi.

I'm not really sure that this is where this belongs, but I would like to get some thoughts from you wonderful mammas. Dh and I are trying to decide whether to have another baby, or stop at one. Our dd is 2 and 1/2. I feel that due to my age, if we have another, conception should be in the next 6 months (we'd be doing infertility intervention (FET), so can plan a conception date). In some ways I feel ready, and in a lot of ways I don't. In fact, some DAYS I feel ready, and some days I think the idea is completely insane.









DD was & is very high needs, and my husband travels a lot. Even if another child were more mellow, I can't even comprehend how I would split my time between two children. It's only recently that I can count on being able to eat 3 meals and have a shower every day- how do you manage to do anything with two children? I absolutely adore being a Mom, but sometimes by the time my dh gets home from a 4 day trip I feel completely "tapped out"- would I survive with two children? I wouldn't trade the first 2 years of my daughter's life for anything- they have been my best years by far- but they were hard. Really hard. I think back at the things I did and wonder how I would do those same things with a preschooler to attend to as well.

On the other hand, I really want another child. And I want my daughter to have a sibling. And I have frozen embryos that I don't have the heart to discard or donate. And I really think I'd regret it if we don't move forward.

Can anyone tell me it's all going to be okay?? Or tell me why you decided to stop at one?? I'm reading "Siblings Without Rivalry", and it's just scaring me more. Am I going to have all of these problems??

Is everyone this scared before number two, or is the fact that we have doubts a warning sign we should be listening to?? With number one we were so SURE we were ready! Will it ever be that way with #2?

Sorry to ramble. Any input is appreciated!
Thank you!


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## Girl Named Sandoz (Jul 16, 2002)

My son is 3 years old and DH and I have decided to start TTC next month. I'm incredibly happy and excited but also at the same time slightly scared, worried, apprehensive etc.

I think it's really nomal to be both excited and worried about having another child. I mean, we were excited and worried when pregnant with our first too, right?

Only you and your husband can make this decision. I don't think that doubts are automatically a 'warning sign', but instead are a normal reaction to entering new, unfamiliar, unchartered territory.

Good luck.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I know exactly where you're coming from. My DS is 2.5 and my husband is always gone. DS is also high needs, but we have a system in place right now that seems to work well in meeting his needs and mine at the same time. However, there are days where I am just so tired I can barely move. That is with just one child.

I have a large family (3 sisters and a brother) and I love it. My brother and sisters are my best friends in the whole world. The thought of making my son go through life without that kind of friend is devastating to me. Truly devastating. I can't even describe it in words.

My husband is 16 years older than I am. We both feel it it best to finish having children by the time he is 47 or 48. He's 45 now, so the clock is ticking, so to speak.

We half-heartedly tried to TTC for the last few months, with no sucess. Since then, I have made a unilateral decision that we need to stop TTC. We are having some relationship issues, and I simply cannot handle another child right now. I am heartbroken over this.

The reality is that my current situation works with one child. I have the resources and the help to handle one child. Adding in another is an unknown and could really mess up everything. Sadly, I can't afford that kind of uncertainty right now.

There is a mama who posts a lot on this forum (her username is *scubamama*) and she has a lot of words of wisdom relating to family size and adequate resources for raising children. Check out some of her posts on this topic. She is very well spoken and has several good points to be made concerning quality of life and raising children. I know many of her posts resonated with me and helped me to come to this decision.

I hope that things improve and I can one day have a second child. When or if that is remains to be seen.

Good luck.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I wish one of us could give you the magic answer, but there really isn't one. I would say that if you feel apprehensive, give it a bit more time. I know you say due to a few factors you would like to concieve in the next 6 months, but would those factors be drastically different if you waited 8 months, 10 months or even a year? If not, that may just be the extra time you need to get to the bottom of how you are feeling...if it is just normal nervousness at a new situation, or if you are REALLY having serious doubts.

I never really wanted a big family. God bless 'em, but I don't know how people manage parenting the way I want to parent with like 5 kids, or even 3 for that matter! I imagine it is really difficult, as even with one child who is only 6 months old and not really high needs at all... I want to take a vacation sometimes...alone.... lol

I think spacing is important too. I don't think I could ever manage with like a 2 year old and a newborn, that is just my personality, I would lose it I think... so if we do plan on having another, we will space around 3-4 years apart at least.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, just offering support and *hugs*... My only suggestion would be to take some time (if you can get it!) to really look deep within yourself, meditate, pray (if that's your thing), write, talk to your partner in depth without your 2 year old crawling all over you guys lol...

Whatever you do, may there be peace in your heart. Good luck to you.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, we're currently TTC #3, so I say go for it. Though I do think that overall I have very easy children, they seem to have mostly inherited their daddy's easy-going personality. And I'm younger, I'm almost 29 and want to be done childbearing by the time I'm 30. So I would say that definitely makes me less hesitant about adding another to the mix.

But I would also say that I think siblings are important. I have three sisters and one brother and I loved growing up in a large family. I'm hoping to replicate that feeling with 3 closely spaced kids. I think kids learn so much from their siblings, they are relationships that are irreplacable. Do you have siblings? Does your dh?

One last thing, when I was pg with #2, I told my mom I was a little worried about having enough time for him, and she said that she thought I would find that I needed less, because his sister would be there all day, too. And it seems this has been true, even though my dd is only 2.5, she has offered enough attention to make up for what he has to share with her. And now he's crawling and being much more interactive, so it's just improving. This is another big reason I wanted more than one child, so they can play together. This is a little bit selfish, because I don't want to be their only playmate, but also a little bit because I think it's hard for onlies to get enough socializing otherwise.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

sophsmom, I've very much (and still do) felt like you described. I'm 38 and DS is 2 1/2 y/o and very 'spirited". He's been so since day 1 and like you describe, it's only now I can actually eat meals (sometimes) etc. And, DH is not home very much - his job requires him to work mostly nights and holidays and weekends so I'm at home with DS every day and night on my own. And, I'm not the most patient mom either. I only wanted one child because I was mostly afraid of going down the same route again - colic, high needs, no sleep for over a year, etc. But, as I said, I'm 38 and there is not much time to "space" children - I don't have that luxury that some younger moms do. And, I thought, DS will be in school one day soon and all these years will be over. Will I look back when I'm in my 60s and 70s and be thankful I only had one child? I really do, like you say, think sometimes it is insane. But, then, so many people manage - I mean, most people do, right? I've read a lot about being an only child and I know a lot of only children but I still thought I wanted DS to have a sibling. We talked about these issues for a year and then TTC'd and got pregnant within a month! I still have doubts and am fearful but I figure that whatever challenges I have before me, I can handle because they are short term. The long term is that we (DH and I) think we would like to have two children - and for DS to grow up with a sibling. Even though, today is a "bad" day (DH has been gone for 6 afternoons and nights straight - haven't even seen him and I'm getting pretty stressed), I know this will one day be over (and we'll have a new challenge). I think it will be "okay" - we make things work - no matter what is presented to us. I also think no matter what you do - it will be the "right" decision. There is no magic time to conceive or answer - it really is individual and sometimes, how you feel about decision is based on hindsight, too. For us, the decision was made, based, I think, on how we thought we would feel a few years from now when DS was in school and more independent and I was, not able to conceive anymore. Would I have regrets? I then started to think TTCing was good idea. Well, I hope this helps a bit .... good luck!!!!


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

In my experience siblings often occupy each other where an only child relies on mom as her companion and playmate.
I have done both. I had my oldest as an only child for 10 years.
I then re-started my family and had 3 in quick succession. I decided when I was pregnant with ds1 that I would have my next baby as soon as possible so they would be close in age because I did not want to do the only child thing again.
And to be honest. Having 3 toddlers is not much harder than my one only child was. (well, it IS harder at the busy moments, baths, diapers, meals. But there is more downtime because when they are happy and at play they dont need me nearly as much)
Joline


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
Having 3 toddlers is not much harder than my one only child was. (well, it IS harder at the busy moments, baths, diapers, meals. But there is more downtime because when they are happy and at play they dont need me nearly as much)
Joline









That's good news!


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I thought for years that I only wanted one child, but just before DS1 turned 6, we decided to have another. I'm so glad that we did, but extra glad that spaced them this far apart.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I wasn't trying to be negative in my post or scare you off having another child!

I just think one has to know themself and how their personality and that of their partner's are and base it on that. I mean, yes, other people's experiences are important and help shed some light on certain things -- but one person who may say they have 4 children and it isn't much harder etc, could be someone else's nightmare -- well nightmare is a strong word, but my point it, I know myself... as much as I adore children, I don't think I would do well emotionally with 3, or 4. Of course if we had triplets or something, I wouldn't give any away...lol...but you get my drift.

That is why all the second hand experiences in the world, while helpful, doesn't hold a candle to the tiny voice you hear within yourself when you are in meditation, or prayer, or in a quite place of reflection and thought.

You will know what is right for you mama, and where there is a will there is a way. If you really desire another child, yes, you will have your difficult moments...but you will rise to the challenge and be the mama you want to be.

Good luck


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Somewhat like Joline, I have three children. My oldest is almost 13, and my younger two are a toddler (little girl, I'm informed indignantly) and a baby of 4.5 months. I want one more and would like to start ttc in June. I'm 37, and don't feel as though I have a lot more time to screw around. The three might be it, though. DH isn't sure he wants anymore.

DD is incredibly spirited. DS1 was very spirited and dd makes him look comatose! So, it was tough the first few months, esp. recovering from the section. My days can be absolutely insane at times...and I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are times I have ds2 and dd sitting on my lap, and ds1 comes up to give me a hug...setttle for one? Heck, no! I'd like about six...

Sometimes it's nuts. I don't like it when I come in from an outing and they both need to be changed, and dd needs a nap, and ds2 wants to be held and cuddled. I can't do it all at once. Sometimes, I have to let ds2 scream while I change dd or get her to bed, and I feel like crap. But, those times only last a little while. The day in joy of my three beautiful kids never goes away. I don't know when/if I'll ever eat a hot meal with two hands again...but I don't care.

I will admit that I'm looking forward to the day when I can consistently pee in private again, though! I think I'm going to appreciate some pretty mundane things a lot more when my kids are older.


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## sophsmom (Jun 15, 2004)

Thank you everyone for the responses so far. There have definately been some things that hit home- and when I have a little more time (maybe this afternoon?) I'd like to respond to some of them.

But in general, dh and I definately need to talk some more. But everytime we bring it up, discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly so to speak.. we decide that the first two years would be very difficult, and after that it would be manageable. And we agree that it would be wonderful to have two children. But dh decides that the first two years would be too hard, and would rather not. And I decide that it would be worth it, and I would rather move forward. Stalemate. Then dh says he isn't going to be the one that makes me regret not having another, so let's do it. And I say I'm not going to be the one that pushes him into having a child when he's not ready, so let's not. Then we're at a stalemate again.







Anyone else have this type of conversation??

DD is on my lap now pushing the keys to type an email to grammy- so my time is up! I am reading all the responses, even when I don't have time to reply. More later! Thanks again!


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
In my experience siblings often occupy each other where an only child relies on mom as her companion and playmate.

I hear that's this been your experience, but I just want to add that in the larger picture this is a misconception. Kids are who they are regardless of family size and there are kids within huge families that require more attention and have greater needs for being entertained and there are kids who are onlies who are great at independent play. My son is one of those. I am not his constant playmate and he's often found amusing himself with something or other. I am able to sit and read during the day, knit, whatever. He'd be like that with 10 siblings I imagine, as it's just his nature.

I was a kid from a family of 4 kids and BF and I struggled when we first started living together. He was working on his dissertation and needed his days to be spent on the computer. I was working evenings bartending and because I was so used to having siblings around to talk to and just hang out with I had a very hard time just hanging out by myself during the day. I kept distrubing him in the office asking if he wanted to go and grocery shop, have lunch, just trying to get him to entertain me. I would have been a high needs only child. BF would have loved to be an only child as he craved his independence and didn't like spending a lot of time with his sister as they were growing up, despite having a good relationship with her. He liked quiet and to be alone reading, drawing etc.

So I wouldn't base any decisions on whether one is easier than two or vice versa. It all depends on the temperment of the child.

We decided to stop at one because when he was born we both just felt this is all we wanted. All the reasons we now state: couldn't imagine going through the sleeplessness, diapering, lack of physical autonomy for me, colic, teething, etc etc weren't there as soon as DS was born so I can't call it anything better than a feeling and BF and I both had it instantly and neither of us have wavered in the five years since. A desire for another child has never come up for either of us and DS has never asked for a sibling so we're all a good match.


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
On the other hand, I really want another child. And I want my daughter to have a sibling. And I have frozen embryos that I don't have the heart to discard or donate. And I really think I'd regret it if we don't move forward.

There's your answer. You really want another child. You will find a way to make it work. It will be hard for a while, but I don't think you'll ever regret having a second child.

I have chosen not to have a second child and that is the right decision for me, but it sounds wrong for you.


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa*
I hear that's this been your experience, but I just want to add that in the larger picture this is a misconception. Kids are who they are regardless of family size and there are kids within huge families that require more attention and have greater needs for being entertained and there are kids who are onlies who are great at independent play.

So I wouldn't base any decisions on whether one is easier than two or vice versa. It all depends on the temperment of the child.

We decided to stop at one because when he was born we both just felt this is all we wanted. All the reasons we now state: couldn't imagine going through the sleeplessness, diapering, lack of physical autonomy for me, colic, teething, etc etc weren't there as soon as DS was born so I can't call it anything better than a feeling and BF and I both had it instantly and neither of us have wavered in the five years since. A desire for another child has never come up for either of us and DS has never asked for a sibling so we're all a good match.

Wow - I could have written your post! My dd is also very independent and has actually said she hopes we never have a baby - although a big sister might be nice...

I think family size comes down to that feeling of completeness. We have a million reasons for only having one - but if we really wanted one all those practicalities would be irelevent and we would manage.
Diane


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

I have three and they are closely spaced. (Less than 4 years between all three of them!)

The first few years were hard. Now its just so wondeful, I can't beleive it.

I can't imagine my dd's not having their sisters to play with, laugh with, fight with etc... So I am really prejudiced.

My only comment is that in the scheme of life those two years will be nothing (except when they are happening and will feel like 20 years!)


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## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

Two has been hard for me, no family, husband doesn't travel but works long hours. But now that my daughter is two and my son is 5, they can play together, and that is easier at times.

My son was a pretty easy baby and toddler, but now he sees my high needs toddler making constant demands of me, and follows suit for the attention.

I certainly have many days when I am bone tired and maybe even tearful, but it is worth it. When I can step back from the constant work and look at my children, I am really glad that there are two.

But we are done at two. It has been hard for me to keep my husband with the no-CIO and co-sleeping program, and now there's a light at the end of the five year tunnel. We plan to have the kids share a bedroom soon. I think another round of it would be hard on the marriage.

Good luck with your decision.
L.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
Then dh says he isn't going to be the one that makes me regret not having another, so let's do it. And I say I'm not going to be the one that pushes him into having a child when he's not ready, so let's not. Then we're at a stalemate again.







Anyone else have this type of conversation??

Hi. When you look in the mirror, do you see me?









We have these conversations a lot. I've wanted another baby for 20 years (I mean...I've wanted four kids for 20 years), and dh just doesn't want another one. We both want what we want, but we each want the other to have what _they_ want, as well. It's not an easy situation to work out...


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
Having 3 toddlers is not much harder than my one only child was. (well, it IS harder at the busy moments, baths, diapers, meals. But there is more downtime because when they are happy and at play they dont need me nearly as much)

This is what I like to hear! This reminded me of something my cousin, who just gave birth to her fifth child (her oldest is 9 or 10), told me. She said that the hard thing was to have a two year old and a newborn, or two under age three. After that, she thought it was easy. And she home-schools and they are dirt-poor.

So since your dd will be over 3 by the time you have #2, maybe it'll be easier. You could maybe even have her in p/t preschool.

BTW, I think you're lucky dh is on board. My dh was a two-kid person, every single parent in his family has two kids, aunts, uncles, everyone. So to try for #3, we made this deal, we can try until November 2006, if I'm not pg by then, tough luck. Not perfect, but a hard thing to compromise on.


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## karlin (Apr 8, 2004)

DS (27 months) is an only child by choice. When DH and I decided to have a child, we never even considered having more than one. DS has been pretty high needs (mostly with sleeping and nursing issues), but has really started to become more independant lately. I know he would be crushed if I had another baby. He hates it when I hold a friend's baby, and demands the other mama take the baby back.







We have had tons of pressure from friends and family to have another child, but honestly, I think everyone in our little family is happy with the current arrangement. Plus, things are finally getting easier (DS is finally sleeping a 4 hour stretch at night and playing by himself for longer stretches).

Now, if I wanted another one but still had doubts, I think I'd go for it. My one child has brought me more joy than I've ever known in my life. If I wanted two, then I'd know it was the right decision.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

I have two relatively closed spaced (21 months apart) and they rarely play together. It was not planned, it just happened... I would not choose to have them so close if I had the choice... In fact, they almost never occupy each other.... they fight a lot ... But then your choice is not closely spaced vs more spaced but closely spaced vs only child... in this case, I would go for closely spaced... I think it is great to have a sibling, later in life, even if they do not get along when they are small...
One thing that could help you prepare for this transition is teaching quiet time. I was never able to do quiet time but I remember a post by babybugmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babybugmama*
When she began refusing to nap we talked about quiet time. The first time I gave her two short books (toddler books) and told her when she was done with those she could come out. Oh and I had her pick out two books she wanted to *read* while in her room. I'd say this last maybe ten minutes. Very slowly and gradually I added time until it was up to 45 min. There was never any crying or tantrumming. Sometimes now she will say, *I don't want to rest.* I usually just say something like, you don't have to sleep, but I need you to rest quietly so that you are happy for the rest of the day and mommy can get some chores done. She usually agrees pretty easily.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=345869
You know you could try this and then it will give you confidence that you CAN have some time to yourself to nap with the baby if/when a baby comes.... If not, it is always useful, right?
just my thought...


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa*
I hear that's this been your experience, but I just want to add that in the larger picture this is a misconception. Kids are who they are regardless of family size and there are kids within huge families that require more attention and have greater needs for being entertained and there are kids who are onlies who are great at independent play. My son is one of those. I am not his constant playmate and he's often found amusing himself with something or other. I am able to sit and read during the day, knit, whatever. He'd be like that with 10 siblings I imagine, as it's just his nature.

I totally agree. In fact, my youngest loves playing by herself. If only my eldest would leave her alone!! So my situation is that, because I have two, I need to entertain the two of them otherwise they get at each other's throat!! So rather than "saving" any of my time this has been a major time waster.... but then, in a way, I guess it is good... I was forced to spend more time with them than I would have ever done, and all the while teaching them to be considerate of others... now, for the time being with no results, but it cannot go on forever... or can it??


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I advocate that all members of a family agree to add additional family members to a family. Not just if the mom wants more children. Not just if the parents want more children. Argueably, at a very young age, maybe before age 1, a child is unable to effectively communicate their wishes. However, we have honored our son's opinion in this decision a great deal. He is now 4.5, and has a consistently strong opinion that he does not want a sibling, at this time. Neither does dh want to survive the first two years (of babyhood) again, and we are 43 and 47. So, biologically, time is about up. But biology doesn't mean that we can't choose to add to our family at a later date either. We may choose to adopt someday, if we are all in agreement. Biology doesn't make one family, love does.

But no regrets; I believe that our current family arrangement is best for our family entity as a whole. I don't consider my needs more or less important than the family's needs, either individually or collectively. (I am not saying others do either.) Even though I would love to have a baby again; I know that I can nurture our family, and nurture extended family relationships with others who have babies too. It is not agreeable to me to choose to have a baby without the agreement of all who will be dramatically affected. We choose to live consensually. That means everyone needs to consent to choices that affect them significantly.

Pat


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

My DS (3) is very high needs and always was. My DD (1) is easy and mellow. (Well slightly less so since toddlerhood has arrived LOL) I'll be honest. The first year was extremely difficult for me. I cried a lot. But for me, it was worth it. I have always known I wanted two at the very least and I would walk through fire to have that family. Now things are getting a little easier. I get a shower in the morning, they play together. We are even considering #3.

It will all work out. Have faith.


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## kaydee (Aug 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
Or tell me why you decided to stop at one??

We were very sure that we only wanted one--basically because we know our limits, and know we can be the parents we want to be with one, but that two or more would simply be too much for us.

It must be difficult to feel so conflicted--I hope you find some clarity soon!


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## sophsmom (Jun 15, 2004)

Thank you everyone. I know that nobody can give me "the answer" here, but it really helps to read other thoughts. It really comes down to surviving the infancy years. Dh and I both agree that we'd love to have another child, and that it would be amazing to watch another tot grow up alongside dd. We also agree that after the first couple of years it would be quite manageable. We only disagree on whether or not that first couple of years would send us all over the brink of disaster. That's really what it boils down to.

So much of the degree of difficulty seems to hinge on the personality of the children. And how can you possibly know that until number 2 comes along?!?!

Dh and I are going to do some more discussing. The earliest we could do a FET would be February (due to some other procedures I need to complete), so we have time. Sometimes I wonder if having so much time is making this decision harder rather than easier!

Anyway, each of your posts makes me stop and think, and helps me to sort through my own feelings. So thank you!


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
Thank you everyone. I know that nobody can give me "the answer" here, but it really helps to read other thoughts. It really comes down to surviving the infancy years. Dh and I both agree that we'd love to have another child, and that it would be amazing to watch another tot grow up alongside dd. We also agree that after the first couple of years it would be quite manageable. We only disagree on whether or not that first couple of years would send us all over the brink of disaster. That's really what it boils down to.

So much of the degree of difficulty seems to hinge on the personality of the children. And how can you possibly know that until number 2 comes along?!?!

Dh and I are going to do some more discussing. The earliest we could do a FET would be February (due to some other procedures I need to complete), so we have time. Sometimes I wonder if having so much time is making this decision harder rather than easier!

Anyway, each of your posts makes me stop and think, and helps me to sort through my own feelings. So thank you!

Sophsmom, really, are you living my life? I find myself in an almost identical situation, wondering if I can really survive the first two years of my (potential) second child's life without damaging the child I already have. It doesn't help that DS was such a difficult infant and his issues really affected DH and me as a couple. I don't think I could survive DS's infancy all over again, especially with two kids. Seriously. I start pulling my hair out just thinking about it.

My mother is no help at all... she feels that she did damage me by having my (exceptionally high needs) younger sister two years after I was born. Then I read the gentle discipline forum and see how hard the transition is from one child to two... it just makes my head spin. I don't even want to think about it.

Right now DH and I are surviving and DS is thriving. I'm tabling the decision for a few months until we see how our business is doing. I know for sure that I can't afford another child mentally, physically, or finanically right now, which makes me sad.

Argh. I hate overthinking everything.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

"Life is nothing if not a daring adventure."~Helen Keller

"Our capacity to love is the true measure of success." - The Source of Life

Food for thought. No need to decide today.........


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## Babytime (May 4, 2004)

It would be the best gift you can ever give your DD.









My DDs are 4 and almost 11 months. They are exactly 3.5 years apart. My older DD is absolutely in love with her baby sister. Since birth, she's been (voluntarily) by my side helping me with everything including changing poopy diapers.







When I watch them together, it fills my heart with so much love and I just can't believe what a treasure it is to experience this. They love to be together and I know having a younger sibling has changed my daughter in ways I don't think would be possible if I hadn't given her a sibling. She's always been gentle, but now she's even more loving, caring and giving.

The baby wants to be involved in anything her big sister is doing. She has added so much to our lives that I can't imagine not having her around. It was a difficult decision to have a second child because I am so attached to my older DD and I feared changing that relationship, but honestly, it has just brought us closer!

Sure, it will be a bit more work, but after the first few months it's not so much more work. My girls take a bath together, eat their meals together, play together.

I say, go for it!


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## sophsmom (Jun 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Babytime*
. My older DD is absolutely in love with her baby sister. Since birth, she's been (voluntarily) by my side helping me with everything including changing poopy diapers.







When I watch them together, it fills my heart with so much love and I just can't believe what a treasure it is to experience this.

Ahhhh.... this is my dream. If I could have a guarantee this would be my experience, I'd schedule the FET tomorrow.

It's good to hear that someone is having this experience. It tells me that it is possible.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
.

But everytime we bring it up, discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly so to speak.. we decide that the first two years would be very difficult, and after that it would be manageable. And we agree that it would be wonderful to have two children. But dh decides that the first two years would be too hard, and would rather not. And I decide that it would be worth it, and I would rather move forward. Stalemate. Anyone else have this type of conversation??

Yes. This exact conversation.

The fear of another tough infancy like we had with ds1, coupled with the lively toddler ds1 had become in the past 2 years terrified dh. Me as well, but him more so.

What convinced dh that a second would be a good idea was the thought of a single child having the burden of taking care of us in old age (the way he saw a relative of his having to do). What clinched the deal to make it possible was that my parents agreed to move to our town for the first two years. Honestly, I don't think we would have done it without them. Or could have. Knowing that we had family to call on made a stressful time so much less so.

That said, you are absolutely right about the first two years. They were probably the hardest years of our family life (mamas of teenagers, you can just go ahead and snicker). Dealing with a newborn and a 3yo angry about the newborn, the loss of the "just me and my buddy" relationship I had with ds1...it was really hard.

The good news is, once that baby turns two, they DO start playing together and then comes the big payoff. I guess my advice would be that if you really want to have a second, and dh is away a lot, line up some serious help for those first two years if you can afford it.


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## happymomma (Jun 27, 2004)

I too wondered if I should stop at one. My oldest was/is very challenging. Then surprise! We were pregnant. They are 19 months apart. Do I have crazy days? Yep. But I would have had those days without ds2, you know? A crazy day is a crazy day. Ds2 is very mellow and laid back, thank goodness. When I see them laughing at each other I swear it just never gets old, every time it melts my heart. I think something inside you changes when you have your second child...I cannot explain it. It is just the most magical feeling. (not taking anything away from only families at all by saying that)

You said yourself you wanted a second child.

I think what you are feeling is normal nervousness. In our heart you know what you want. Listen to it.


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## Tiacsophno (Feb 26, 2004)

I always figured I would have two children, but after our first was born I started having second thoughts. Our dd was constantly being nursed, rocked, carried... how would it possible to AP *two* kids?? I started thinking maybe we should stop while we were ahead.

One book that I really enjoyed reading during this time was "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben. He outlines why having only one child makes sense for many people (and for the world), and he dispells the negative myths associated with only children (and their parents). I read it twice before we made the decision to ttc for #2. But after reading the book I felt like I was better informed about our options, more clear about how we came to our decision, and because our children were 3 years apart I was starting to see that our dd was beginning to slowly grow out of her needs to be nursed, rocked, carried, etc. and that maybe AP *would* be possible with two. No matter what your decision, I highly recommend reading the book.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Yeah, we read "Maybe One" as well before going ahead and having #2.

I just wanted to add that though I may have seemed to come down on the side of going for it and having #2...even now when the boys are 3 and 6 and life is SO much easier than it was during those first two years - even now, dh and I talk about how much easier - and better in some ways - things would be if we hadn't had a second child. We love him to pieces, of course. But having a second child has definitely limited our lives in some ways. And that's even with parents living 6 blocks away and available most any time.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

For a long time we planned on just having one. When people told us dd needed a sibling, we said, "We'll buy her a pony." Long story short, we ended up having two children (five years apart.) And it's absolutely the right decision for our family!!!!! Sure, it's more work, but they love each other so much! (And of course we love both of them.)


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Hi, I didn't read the other replies but wanted to chime in...two children are great, though i waited longer between them. It got easier w/ the second one bc i knew what to do...i say, follow your heart...even if there are fights in the younger years, you never know how they will get on as they get older.

Good luck in your decision. If i could do it again, i would and i have a high need DS who is the older one, DD was/ is easier (thenk g-d) I think i am too ole , and a single mom, so even if i met someone now, it would take a while to decide whether or not to procreate with them (no prospects though







)

It's scary, but you will make the right decision, it will feel right , or not.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

A pp already said what I was going to say:"If you two end at stalemate, then ask your child if they want a sibling and go from there."


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## charmander (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A*
For a long time we planned on just having one. When people told us dd needed a sibling, we said, "We'll buy her a pony." Long story short, we ended up having two children (five years apart.) And it's absolutely the right decision for our family!!!!! Sure, it's more work, but they love each other so much! (And of course we love both of them.)

Five years is excellent spacing. Worked great for us.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ceilydhmama*
I think family size comes down to that feeling of completeness. We have a million reasons for only having one - but if we really wanted one all those practicalities would be irelevent and we would manage.
Diane

I completely agree with this! In my heart, one is not for me but it is for others and I think that we must follow our intuition. Ultimately, there are both positives and negatives to ever family size but when you find the right fit for you very little of that matters. However, I believe that it takes to yesses to make a baby and one no to veto it ... yet I also feel you have to rank your emotions to try a reach a fair compromise. For instances, my desire for 3-4 kids is an 8 while DH's desire for 2-3 is a 4 and so we've agreed upon 3 and we'll re-evaluate after that.


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## OhTheThinks..... (Mar 15, 2004)

Maybe you can decide if the decision will be ultimately made by you and your needs/feelings, or do you want a family decision, considering your dh and dd and what they want? That will help in getting rid of regrets.... if you decide it really your decision or a family unit decision. Makes a big difference I think.......and your soul will tell you the answer and then go from there.


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## CinnamonDeMarco (Nov 4, 2005)

Two isn't twice as hard. You can pay attention to both of them at the same time. I read and sing to them both. We play together and cuddle together. All our outings are taken together. I wash their clothes together. You get the picture.

I hold the little one while I tend to the older one. I even bathe my toddler while holding the baby. What haven't I done while holding a baby? I







it!

Not all siblings fight and dislike each other. Mine love each other. They are 2.5 and 9 months.

I sympathize with people who complain, but in my experience having two is great. It isn't much harder than having one.

Here are my secret







tips to make 2 kids easier.
I taught my toddler some skills that make thing easier for me. Instead of handing me garbage, his dirty clothes, or empty cups he knows to put things where they belong. He helps put toys in the toy shelf. When I asked him to, he brought me a diaper and wipe. He climbed on the couch and layed down for me to change him. When I was pregnant with my second baby I was able to sit down and rest because he had these skills.

I also taught him to play by himself without choas He is 2.5 and he always has access to crayons, markers, scissors, puzzles, books and lots of toys. Initially, I had to put a lot of effort into teaching him how to use art materials appropriatlely (don't eat them or use them on the rug) If he ignored my insructions I would take the markers away for a minute. He used to dump out toys and walk away without even playing with them. After he picked up those leggos about 8 times he stopped dumping them out like that. Now my son can play on his own and not leave me a giant mess afterwards. This is very important.

Not only did this make it easier for me, it was great for my toddler too. He loves to help and play. I think it has made him happer and more confident. He seems so different than his peers who are "playpen babies" and have little responsibility. My one friend told me I'm lucky. She is wrong. I am blessed to have a healthy bright toddler BUT it took teaching to get things this way.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Two has been a challenge for us. We have good days and bad days, just like anyone else. It has been hard to determine what is typical three year old development challenges and what has been baby-related. I can honestly say that I don't think so much was baby as much as personality. DS was incredibly high needs as an infant. He still needs A LOT of physical attention, much more than my 11 month old DD. She has been a piece of cake.

If I could do it over, I would space them farther apart. Three seems to be a difficult age (for the three year old and the parents) and adding a baby to the mix amplified some of that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CinnamonDeMarco*
I also taught him to play by himself without choas He is 2.5 and he always has access to crayons, markers, scissors, puzzles, books and lots of toys. Initially, I had to put a lot of effort into teaching him how to use art materials appropriatlely (don't eat them or use them on the rug) If he ignored my insructions I would take the markers away for a minute. He used to dump out toys and walk away without even playing with them. After he picked up those leggos about 8 times he stopped dumping them out like that. Now my son can play on his own and not leave me a giant mess afterwards. This is very important.

Not only did this make it easier for me, it was great for my toddler too. He loves to help and play. I think it has made him happer and more confident. He seems so different than his peers who are "playpen babies" and have little responsibility. My one friend told me I'm lucky. She is wrong. I am blessed to have a healthy bright toddler BUT it took teaching to get things this way.

I think this is another perfect example of personality. We don't own a playpen, and our son would never do what you described. He is incredibly helpful when asked. However, he is not interested in doing anything crafty for any amount of time. We have not had problems with inappropriate use of the materials; he simply is not into it. I could have done all that you did, and he still would do it for about three minutes. For us, books on tape and CD have been wonderful. He has my old CD player and all of his CDs, and that can occupy him while I am trying to get the baby to sleep. She is easily distracted with her older brother, and there is no sleep for this girl when he is around. She finds him fascinating.

We also are fortunate that this summer, DS could go outside by himself for a while. I could get him started on an activity (chalk, digging in the sand, etc.) and then I could take the time to get the baby to sleep.

For me, the decision was that I wanted my child to have someone who was with him from the cradle to the grave. I am going to die. My husband is going to die. Hopefully, we go before the kids do. I want my child to have someone to continue to share holidays, to celebrate together and 70 years from now have a complete shared history. They may hate each for all I know. I have a brother that I am not wild about. I have a sister that I adore. But I want my kids to have that option open to them. My DH's sister died a few years ago at the age of 31. They were not close; heck, they did not even like each other. But as he put it, "The hope always was there that something might be different some day. Now that hope is gone."

And when I see my little people play together, there is nothing that gives my heart greater joy.


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## CinnamonDeMarco (Nov 4, 2005)

annab
I think this is another perfect example of personality... he is not interested in doing anything crafty for any amount of time... For us said:


> Yeah. My son likes art but he doesn't like books on tape.
> 
> The point is that the toddler can have access to lots of materials, play independantly, AND NOT CREATE A GIANT MESS for Mom to clean up later. It won't happen by luck. You have to teach the toddler the skillls. The OP asked how we can get anything done. My son helps me, or he plays while I do things. It is wonderful!
> 
> ...


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

We are only 4 months into the two kids thing, but it is already tons easier than it was in the beginning, and occasionally easier than having one. I hear that 'occasionally' increases rapidly over the first year, and by the time they are 3 and 6 I figure they'll be playing together almost all the time.

My DH is an only and I'm a "virtual only" (my sister is 8 years younger), so we have no experience with kids this close in age....however, so far they love one another and it's amazing to see the older one make the younger one laugh out loud.

I don't know what I would do without my supersupportive DH. He is the SAHD and is always around to help, never complains (like I do...ducks head) and says he can't wait until both kids are climbing around on him like little monkeys.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CinnamonDeMarco*
The point is that the toddler can have access to lots of materials, play independantly, AND NOT CREATE A GIANT MESS for Mom to clean up later. It won't happen by luck. You have to teach the toddler the skillls. The OP asked how we can get anything done. My son helps me, or he plays while I do things. It is wonderful!


The day DS learned to sort the silverware while helping me unload the dishwasher was a beautiful day for us all. He was wildly proud of himself, and I had a partner in kitchen maintanence!


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

We have an Only By Choice and it really is the best decision for our family. 1 child is our limit (emotionally and financially).

An example~

Aunt and Cousin came over. Cousin has an 11month old and asked me to babysit while he ran an errand with DH.

So, I had an 11month and my *Spirited Toddler* to deal with. Cousin was gone 30 minutes before I was calling his cell phone in tears to come back because I was NOT handling both kids very well.

There are days when I am literally WIPED OUT with 1 child...I've been through Severe Sleep Deprivation, Teething, Colic, Severe Sleep Deprivation, Worry about SIDS, paying over $300 bucks per month for Formula, trying to keep a roof over his head and keeping his belly full working 50+ hours per week, Severe PPD. NOPE, I'm One and Done


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I don't have advice, OP--just want to let you know we are right there with ya on the indecision.

I *think* we're going to probably try for another, but I also think we're going to wait till dd is at least 2.5, probably 3, to even start to TTC. I'll be 35 by then, so I hope we aren't making a mistake, fertility-wise.

One huge thing for me is that I feel like I have finally got the hang of this







and I really hate the idea of messing it all up. I also really did not at all enjoy the first 6 months, and to be honest I am in no hurry to do them over. But I LOVE toddlerhood and I do want DD to have a sibling. We also feel that it can be a lot of "weight" on a person to be the only in adulthood.

It seems like every single one of my mom friends already has two, is pregnant, or is trying to get pregnant, so I feel like the odd one out these days. But I'm just not quite there yet.


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## kimbies (Aug 31, 2004)

I've read every post and no one wrote from the perspective of actually being an only child- I am one!
I remember being very secure as a kid because I had all the love and attention of both my parents-- not to mention all the Xmas presents, birthday presents, brand new clothes (no hand-me-downs) etc. Growing up, I didn't miss a sibling because I had many friends. But that has all changed in the last few years as all my friends now have families of their own...
Compounded with this- I married someone who has no family in the US! So basically all my friends have siblings and many family engagements every month (bdays, holidays, etc) so they have little time to talk to and socialize with old friends like me.
Now I wish that I had a sibling. My girlfriends are now best friends with their sisters, they take care of eachother's kids, they spend lots of time together, have "family" celebrations together...don't get me wrong- I talk to my mom everyday and she lives closeby, but it's not the same- she's my Mom not a sibling. Not to mention that when my parents die, there's no one left but me and I find that very sad....
Some other cons of being an only child in my opinion are that it's easy to be selfish-- I never had to really share anything with anybody...I have thin-skin since I never had to endure lots of teasing.... I hate conflict-- I didn't have sibling fighting or rivalry or conflict resolution practice so I'm not used to it.
Another thing that sucked was that when anything in the house was broken or messy- of course I was to blame (no one to point the finger at)....








Hope this helps. I am pg with an 18 month old right now, so babies will be 2 years apart- I'm scared of all the extra work a new baby will bring, but I am looking forward to giving my son a baby sister. My friend once said that this will be an investment in my future- but I think of it as an investment in his!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

My DDs are about 3 years apart. DD1 was an easy-high-needs baby. In other words, easy if she was always held/nursed. She is the same now--easy if she gets tons of attention!

The thing I realized is that my older DD will always be "harder" since she's the first . . .with my 2nd DD (she's 8 months) I feel more confident since I've HAD an 8 month old before. All those things that were so hard the 1st time were so much easier the 2nd (except nursing, but we eventually fixed that). So, the baby is actually really easy (again, if I'm holding her/nursing her 24/7).

It's not always easy, but it woudn't be even with just 1. As my mom says when people say things about my sister having 4 DC, "Which one should she not have had?" Impossible--they are all beautiful people.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kimbies*
I've read every post and no one wrote from the perspective of actually being an only child- I am one!
Some other cons of being an only child in my opinion are that it's easy to be selfish-- I never had to really share anything with anybody...I have thin-skin since I never had to endure lots of teasing.... I hate conflict-- I didn't have sibling fighting or rivalry or conflict resolution practice so I'm not used to it.
Another thing that sucked was that when anything in the house was broken or messy- of course I was to blame (no one to point the finger at)....








Hope this helps.

I am so glad you posted this. Except for two, all of the onlies that I know which it had not been that way. My dad was an only and said it was really lonely as a child and even more so as an adult--no one to share common history. When I said that we had considered only one, he told me that in his opinion, given our circumstances, that would be a selfish choice.

My cousin says that she never learned that you can argue and still love the person. She always thinks it is the end of a relationship when there is a disagreement--even in her 8-year marriage!

I think a lot of learning about how to deal with people you love can come from a sibling relationship. I really appreciate your offering your perspective.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I was an Only child and I absolutely LOVED it *until* my mother married a man with 5 kids and I had instant brothers overnight.

As an Only Child for a short period of time until the Age of 9:

I was never spoiled and today I am one of the most generous people you will ever meet. If an Only Child is spoiled, they were *taught* to be spoiled.

My parents taught me to share...so sharing was never a problem for me (it showed when I had Instant Step Siblings)

I played by myself VERY well and could easily adapt to any situation.

I was never Lonely

I too have lots of friends growing up and yes they have families...so do I and we are all one big happy family today!









OP- I'd be very careful basing your family size primarily because you want to give your child a sibling or a Playmate.

Have another child because YOU and Your Partner want another and it is in your heart and soul. It really is a personal decision and one that comes from the heart.

If you really want another child, it doesn't matter how hard it will be during the first year, because as others have pointed out, you will get through it and if it IS hard... you will get through it because YOU did what YOU wanted to do...which was from Your Heart. Good Luck!


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kimbies*
Compounded with this- I married someone who has no family in the US! So basically all my friends have siblings and many family engagements every month (bdays, holidays, etc) so they have little time to talk to and socialize with old friends like me.
Now I wish that I had a sibling. My girlfriends are now best friends with their sisters, they take care of eachother's kids, they spend lots of time together, have "family" celebrations together...don't get me wrong- I talk to my mom everyday and she lives closeby, but it's not the same- she's my Mom not a sibling. ...
..

I have thin-skin since I never had to endure lots of teasing....

I hate conflict-- I didn't have sibling fighting or rivalry or conflict resolution practice so I'm not used to it.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *annab*
My cousin says that she never learned that you can argue and still love the person. She always thinks it is the end of a relationship when there is a disagreement--even in her 8-year marriage!


These all describe me to a T and I had 3 bio-siblings and 2 step-sibilings. Again, I think it comes down to personality. I have always been thin-skinned and having siblings didn't help "fix" that. My parents would have had 20 more if that would have done it - it was a real issue growing up. I still struggle with this and avoid conflict at all costs, even if that means I stuff everything inside to the detrimemnt of my own health. I am a pleaser and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or embarrass them because I am so sensitive to those things myself. It's part of who I've always been and teasing only compounded it.

It took a lot of working with my BF and talking with my parents to get the argue and still be loved thing. Family is different than romantic relationships. Just because my siblings and I fought (A lot as teens) and still loved each 9A lot) other didn't translate into my getting that when it came to romantic love. I think most people I know, siblinged or not, have struggled with this. That's why divorce rates are so high - society doesn't model rolling up the sleeves and talking with one another and putting work into relationships.

My siblings and family and BF's family all live at least 6 hours away, some more so we see everyone maybe once or twice a year. It's great to have them, but it doesn't give me a different life that what you described kimbies. We are alone for all holidays while our closest friends gather with their families. My sister lives across the country so our kids aren't growing up knowing one another. Work doesn't allow us all to be in the same city, province, country etc. We're all scattered. Having siblings doesn't guarantee that they'll live around one another and be together for celebrations and holidays, no matter how close thay all are (emotionally) to one another.

As far as the sharing thing goes I don't know how one doesn't learn that. Onlies have parents they have to share with, classmates, friends, other kids at parks, museums etc. We share our space with thousands of people every day and have to act accordingly when travelling about the city. In my city DS couldn't not learn to share - he has to practice it every day.

I think if anyone is debating having one vs. two then there are great books out there that debunk the myths associated with only children. And talk to onlies. Many of my friends are onlies and none of them would have preferred to have siblings. My one friend I've known since birth and she grew up a large part of my family's life (our parents are best friends) and it was seeing how chaotic a house of 4 kids (later 6 with step-siblings) was that convinced her she didn't want siblings, lol.

Again, I really think it depends on a child's personality. There are lots of kids who love being onlies and there are those that don't. There are kids with siblings who dream of being an only and onlies who dream of having siblings.


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## FlipFlops (May 30, 2005)

I'm an only, and I'm quite happy with the way I turned out. The thought of having had a sibling doesn't make me unhappy, but I tend to believe that things turn out the way they do for a reason. For whatever reason, I was meant to be an only. As a result, I am very independent, which I see as a positive. I only have a few close friends, because honestly I prefer my own company some of the time. I had two dogs when I was little, and they were my playmates. I am quite creative, and started writing stories at a very young age because I obviously needed entertainment that there were no siblings to provide.

I only skimmed through the other replies, and I saw that someone said she can't deal with conflict well and is ultra-sensitive because she was never teased by a sibling. I didn't experience any of that at all. I started nursery school at 4, so I had a lot of experience socializing with other kids by the time I got to kindergarden. Also, by the way, I am the oldest grandchild on one side, and the only on the other side, so I wasn't surrounded by a lot of cousins and that didn't bother me either.

My husband is from a huge Italian family and just last weekend his brother asked me if I regretted being an only. I said no, I didn't and it actually turned somewhat heated because his brother and wife kept trying to convince me why it would've been better for me if I had siblings. While it might be nice now as an adult to have a sibling and possibly nieces and nephews, I would not be the person I am today if I had a sibling, and honestly, I wouldn't trade being who I am for a sibling. Plus, my mother has a sister and they aren't a big part of each other's lives, nor do they want to be.

We have one daughter, and another baby on the way. DH is one of 5 so we knew we'd settle somewhere in the middle, which is what we both wanted. If I hadn't gotten pg with #2 naturally, we wouldn't have pursued any fertility treatments (no judgments, it's just not for us), nor would we have adopted. So if I had ended up with 1 child, I wouldn't feel like it was a tragedy or we were doing a disservice to #1. Again, it's just my belief system that in the big plan of life, I would have been meant to only have 1.

I don't know if any of this helps or not, and I do understand any concerns regarding doing it all with 2. I'm kind of looking forward to the craziness...dh's mom did it with 5, my grandmother did it with 4...I know I can do it, too.

Good Luck. Whatever happens, you are your family will end up believing that it was for the best!


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FlipFlops*
I only have a few close friends, because honestly I prefer my own company some of the time.

This is very true for me. I really enjoy my own company. Before DS was born, DH travelled alot on business on the weekends.

My best friend would say, "Come on over to my house and spend the night so you won't be lonely" I always declined because I enjoyed the quiet time. I would go out to breakfast alone, go to dinner alone, and go to the movies alone...I experienced such Peace.

Today, DH and I take turns having "Me Time"...On my time, I could call a girlfriend to go to the movies with me or have lunch with me...but I don't. I just prefer to be alone.

I am beginning to see that in DS. Sometimes, he needs to take a break from me and DH! He will take 2 of his cars, go in our bedroom (which is also his because he sleeps with us) and just play with his cars.

The first time he did it, I got alarmed thinking something was wrong and went in behind him, he pushed me out and went back to playing with his cars!

Unfortunately, I didn't take the que.

The second time he did it, again, I went in behind him but this time DH stopped me...he said "can't you see he wants to be alone" I just stared looking dumbfounded. I just never thought of that!

He does it quite frequently too! He only stays (and we can see him with the door open) in there for about 10 minutes before he comes out and and wants to be with DH and I again.


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## kaydee (Aug 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy*
I was never spoiled and today I am one of the most generous people you will ever meet. If an Only Child is spoiled, they were *taught* to be spoiled....

OP- I'd be very careful basing your family size primarily because you want to give your child a sibling or a Playmate.

Have another child because YOU and Your Partner want another and it is in your heart and soul. It really is a personal decision and one that comes from the heart.

If you really want another child, it doesn't matter how hard it will be during the first year, because as others have pointed out, you will get through it and if it IS hard... you will get through it because YOU did what YOU wanted to do...which was from Your Heart. Good Luck!

As a happy only child raising an only child who I hope will also be happy, I just wanted to say







:


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## AtThePark (Aug 27, 2004)

I think there are a million really good reasons to have an only child. My son has been an only for 2.5 years and I have loved every minute of having one child.

I also think there are a ton of good reasons for having more than one. I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant and so I've "gone for it". But I had one sister and my expereince as a sibling and having a sibling has not been enormously positive. In fact I think my arrival on earth (she was 18 months) was seriously detrimental to my sister - and she has really never gotten over it.

My ds was a very easy/lovable Hn baby - only wanted mom, never took a bottle - was honestly strapped to my body for a good ol' year - but I adored every moment of it - even though it was hard on my marriage.

Now ds is 2.5 (June 2003) and he (like the other mom described) is a very helpful toddler, plays alone well, helps me so much around the house. My life is very very relaxed right now. I guess I'm kind of ready for a bit of an upheval in April.

But the big thing for me (us, really) in going for the second wa the state of our marriage. Things got really really really good again for dh and I when ds was about 2 and have been fantastic for the past six months. I think once our relationship felt very very solid and better-than-ever I was in a good place to think about #2. Before that and until than, no way.

I have LOVED having one child, and have no expereince with 2 yet - so I can't speak to that. But I very much understand and support people who want one.

Best wishes! I also do believe that if there's a baby out there meant to come to you s/he won't stop knocking on your lil phychic door until you let 'em in!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Somewhat OT, but for those of you who are more sensitive, you might not be aware of the personality characteristic "highly sensitive" persons. Elaine Aron has written extensively about how this trait is a gift when nurtured, honored and celebrated, rather than endured in unpleasant environments unnecessarily. My dh and ds are both highly sensitive and this is an aspect of their desire not to add more stimuli to our home environment. (There is a short self-test in the link to help identify if you are highly sensitive. Also, there is a 'Mothering the Highly Sensitive Child' tribe and a 'Highly Sensitive Adult' tribe in "Finding Your Tribe".)

http://www.hsperson.com/

Pat


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## kimbies (Aug 31, 2004)

Let me say that I loved being an only child too-- I was never lonely or sad about it. I didn't even think about how nice it would be to have a sibling/s until this point in my life. I have great friends but they are not family- I think there is a difference. If your friends have become like family then you are lucky....All my best buds are tied up with "family" obligations all the time (not to mention working, raising kids, trying to get some quality time with their spouse, trying to get some quality time for themselves, cooking meals, driving to preschool, etc- so it's hard to get together).
I, myself never thought of stopping at one. I think it's great to have a sibling/s to grow up with, have history with, share your life with, have your back, etc... (yes I realize there are people who can't stand their siblings but I'm looking at a best-case scenario here)
But if someone is in a situation where they can only have one (or chooses to only have one)- be happy-- I think most onlies love their lives, are very social and have lots of friends.


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## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

I haven't read all the other posts yet, I just wanted to recommend a few books for the OP or anyone else thinking about having 2 kids. One is "Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life" and the other is "Waiting for Birdy:A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family" by Catherine Newman written when she was pregnant with her 2nd. Both are memoir style and very funny and insightful. Waiting for Birdy in particular will give you a realistic picture of what its like having 2 kids. I could have written the scene where she takes her newborn and 3 year old to the supermarket for the first time - hilarious!

Anyway, I was very indecisive about having 2 and one thing that actually helped me decide is that dh was leaning toward only having 1 (he's in his forties). I kept finding myself taking the "having 2" side of the argument and eventually I realized that it was because I really deep down wanted 2 kids. Actually, in my experience, most people who are indecisive actually want a 2nd. The people I know with onlies don't usually have much doubt about it. Another thing that helped me decide was my UPS lady. She has one daughter who is my age. She said her biggest regret in life was not having any more children. She said at the time she was very overwhelmed and had no desire for another baby. But now she wishes she had at least one more. She seemed really sad about it. I tried to project myself when I was older and thought "will I regret not having any more kids?" and I kept hearing a resounding "YES!" in my head.

The only people I really tell to "think long & hard" about having a 2nd is people that are extremely overwhelmed with 1 or prone to PPD. Having 2 kids is wonderful but it is very HARD too. And those that have the luxury of waiting should take advantage of that! I can't believe how luxurious life with 1 child seems to me now. The personal time during naps, the ease of trading off with dh, the one on one time. There are days when I miss that. But enough to have not had dd? NO WAY! Having a 2nd is honestly the best thing we ever did. (that and having ds of course!) Watching my 2 play is indescribable, and the feeling of FAMILY that permeates our house now is really cool. Looking back at life with just ds, I think we would have stayed way too obsessed with him, I never would have realized that unless we'd had dd. Our house is full of love now rather than being just focused all on him, if that makes any sense. And rivalry is SO OVERHYPED, imo. They adore each other. Yes, ds gets mad when dd gets into his toys but I get mad at dh when he eats the last piece of cake...doesn't mean I don't love him, kwim???

Best of luck whatever you decide...

going back to read all the posts now, hope this wasn't too repetitive.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

The book _Maybe One_ by Bill McKibben summarizes research on only children and explains how they really have many advantages.

Add me to the list of people who have a sibling and were teased by a sibling yet are thin-skinned to teasing. I think it's because my parents were so gentle and respectful with me (esp. before brother was born, but almost as much after) that I formed the impression that I was supposed to be treated gently and respectfully.







Also, my innate temperament was pretty sensitive and shy. I don't think that being an only child would've made much difference in this regard as I also was exposed to plenty of teasing in school (I was too different in a very conformist town







) and that didn't toughen me up either.


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I think that the number of kids a couple has is a very personal choice. I have an only child and I love her very much but I am totally sure that I am all done having kids. It is just what feels right. If you believe that having two or more feels right for you, and you can afford it, then you should do it.


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## courtenay_e (Sep 1, 2005)

We have two. They are nineteen months apart, and yes, the first few months were hard. But I wouldn't take the 2nd one back because of a few tiring months. Dd (my first) was a high needs baby, and is still a high needs child. I started weaning her from the sling and from carrying her all the time when I found out that I was pregnant. I sat with her on the floor, on the couch, cuddled her as much as she needed, but not on my lap as often. Still slept with her and put her to sleep, but halfway through my pregnancy, I had DH start helping w/the bedtime routine. By the end of my pregnancy, DH was getting up with her if she awoke all the time, and was putting her to sleep all the time...when he was home. This meant that dd was more than accustomed to dh helping her when he was around, and didn't feel displaced. Also, we cosleep (dd is now on a mattress next to our bed, but still very much w/i arms reach when I'm alone and nursing ds), so she's never far away, anyway.

Dd also traveled a good deal until very recently. We compensated for this in many ways. First, when he was home I planned and cooked double or triple batches of everything I made for dinner and then froze it. Or he did. He does help out a great deal when he's home. That way, when he's gone, I can plan to simply take something out of the freezer, rather than cooking. It's amazing how much time and effort that saves...especially when you have two little ones. Also, rather than giving them a bath in the evening, I read to them and give them a massage w/lavender scented oil. I shower with them in the morning, when we're all fresh and I'm more able emotionally to handle the hustle and bustle of bathing, drying, and dressing two little ones.

Ds (second child) is also a much more easy going child than dd, so all my worrying of what I was going to do with two high needs kids was for naught. In the end my first child still spent more time in the sling than my second one, simply because of disposition. Although there were times that I had one in a sling and the other in a mei tie. It was rather bulky, but when I did have two cranky babies, it was a life (and sanity) saving technique. Other days, I just sat in the middle of the floor and cried with them.







Sometimes crying is a really good release for grown-ups, too.

Thing is, if you're thinking you MIGHT want another, now's as good a time as any, especially if you are on a limited time frame. My kids really are great friends and playmates. It amazes me how much they love and depend on one another. It warms my heart to hear them say, "I wuv, you, Sissy..." and "I love you, too, Boo" from the great room when they are laying side by side on the carpet looking at a Wildlife search book together quietly...and I'm in the other room doing some Mommy thing or another. My mom used to say that if you're waiting for a good time, it's never going to come unless you decide to take the bull by the horns and get there yourself. It's your life, but if you only have six months left, and you WANT your child to have a sibling, I think you've answered the quandry yourself!

I'll be thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way while you figure it all out, either way!


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## sophsmom (Jun 15, 2004)

Thank you everyone. Your posts have been so helpful as I try to sort through my emotions on the issue.

So, here's where I'm currently at. I want number two. I think I can handle it, and I know it will be wonderful. BUT... I only want number two if I have the complete support and enthusiasm of dh. He's still not completely convinced. He wants two children, and can see all of the benefits to our family "under normal circumstances". But... he thinks that the combination of our high needs daughter, a baby, and him traveling so much could be too much of a stress on me. If I am stressed to the max, then this is arguably not good for anyone in the family. So he is still grappling with whether an additional family member would be a good idea. He's just a rational, think-it-out kinda guy that way.

So... I'm especially appreciating your 'coping skills' posts. DD doesn't make messes, and she's a very happy child. She just craves 24/7 attention. She hates being alone (even if that just means I'm 3 feet away in another room in plain view), and rarely partakes in independent play. I attended a conference with Dr Cohen (of Playful Parenting), and due to some of his comments as well as my own intuition am convinced that this is a matter of personality and temperment, and not something I can (or should) "fix". Ideally, a second child would give her a playmate besides me, as some of your posts have indicated. She loves babies, so hopefully she'd be content to help and would consider this "together" time. But if she didn't, it could be trouble. She also wants to be carried constantly- which is something I need to work on whether or not we go for number two, as my lower back is beginning to have chronic pain.

Anyway, I just wanted everyone to know that although I have little computer time and can't respond as often as I'd like, your posts are helping. So thank you.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophsmom*
She also wants to be carried constantly.









, what is it with these 2.5 yr olds who want to be carried around again









DS is in this phase too. I carry him from room to room, but he is getting too heavy when I have him on one hip and have to bend down or something.


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## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

After ttc'ing for over a year and finally deciding that one child was perfect for us I went to the mw and got an Rx for the pill. Never got my period to be able and start them









I have been blessed, and I mean that sincerely, with two super high energy kids. While they leave me simply exhausted some days (Bless our dcp, I have no idea how she does it), I'd have it no other way!

I really wanted to have three kids but pregnancy is incredibly hard for me...I hate it! Love birth but that whole 9m leading up to it sucks! We may adopt another someday, we don't know at this point.


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## sparkletruck (Dec 26, 2004)

sophsmom-my dh is gone a lot too. I am basically the main parent. We have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old and it has been this way since conceiving #1. The first year with two was hard, but not even the year, mostly from 3-6 mos. The early mos #2 slept a lot, and had that sleep where he wouldnt wake from noise, and the latter part of the year he was able to sit and play unaided as much so I was *free*-er to play with #1 mpore. But in the middle #1 was doing the 2.5 yr old emotional/intellectual growth spurt/tantrum phase (growing more independent, and fearful of not being protected, so freak-out) and not liking how much I had to walk/rock/ attend to a baby who no longer fell asleep easily and slept wherever whenever. It IS hard, there's no way around it. YO can do practical things with food prep, and friend exchange, but it will still be hard. There are, from what I can tell, tears for all in that first year. BUT, they are now playing together so that I have free time!!!! And they are affectionate, though aggressive too. Point is, you get back to the *easy* part, but have to walk through the fire for a few months, and I think the feeling of satisfaction, fullness, love is bigger than you feel now with one (again, for those who desire more than one...). I wondered when pregnant with #2 how I would love him like DD. I actually cried when labor started because it was the end of the special relationship with DD. Then I held DS in my arms and thought "DD, what DD"







One of my great revelations was that I thought the love would be spread, but no, you grow more!! Imagine the incredible love you have for DD, and you have that doubled!

As for onlies, I will just agree that my dad had a hard time when his parents passed. I think it was hard for him to be with them alone through their decline, and then to be alone once they were gone - alone in the sense that only the three of them hold the memories of so much and now he is the only one to hold those memories. And I also have a question; if number of kids has nothing to do with personality, what;s the deal with the birth order theory? And why am I like so many friends who are also middle kids? I think it matters some?.,....

good luck


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