# 16 yo daughter smoking pot, drinking, partying with college guys :(



## Julesmom16 (Apr 4, 2011)

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I went out to the grocery (which is near my daughter's friends house). I decided to drive by her friends house to make sure my daughter was where she was supposed to be. Over the last several months, my husband has insisted that she has been "up to somthing". We've had some rather unpleasant arguements over this topic. I actually thought he was going crazy.

Anyhow, I was shocked to find her car WAS NOT there. I called her and the lies just rolled out of her mouth. I let her go on for a bit before I told her that I was outside the house she was supposed to be at. She then tried to say "my car's on the side of the house" and "it's in the garage", then finally she said she was out and about (at 1 am) with another friend.

The next morning I demanded her Facebook password, phone, car key, etc. Most of the messages had been deleted in her fb and phone, but I found enough.

In message between her and the boy that asked her to his prom (she is a sophmore) she said she had been smoking "3-4 blunts every Friday and Saturday, for two months straight". She apparently has been hanging out with a college freshman and his buddies. This guy has been GIVING my daughter pot, for free. She also said she has been drinking, fooling around with guys, etc.

She admitted to my husband (I cannot even look at her) that she started drinking recently but did not like it, and that yes she has smoked pot. She says she is still a virgin, but I am not so sure about that.

I cannot not even look at her, talk to her, etc. My heart is broken. Never in a million years would have I thought she would be lying and acting like this. She has had a nice life, we give her everything she needs, she has a car, she is a varsity cheerleader, and a very sweet girl. She is stunningly beautiful, has good self esteem, and up until this point has had no behavioral issues.

I know this is long, sorry about that. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. So far we've taken her car, phone, and computer away and have grounded her for a month.

I know what I was doing at 16, I'm just SHOCKED that she is doing these things


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I'm anti-drug of any kind. I'm pro-sex as long as its consensual. The bigger issues, though is that your child was not where she was supposed to be. By law.. you are still responsible for her as a parent .. if something happened to her you might be legally liable somehow for trouble she and her friends get into.

If this were my kid.. I'd ground her for two weeks. Then, after you and the spouse have calmed down give her a big talking to about your expectations going forward.

Also, do you know the parents of the friend whom she was supposedly sleeping over with? If not, maybe its time to have coffee with them and talk calmly about your hopes for your daughter and her friends. See if they can encourage your daughter and theirs to a better path.


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## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

I encourage you to rethink phrases like "shocked", and particularly "virginity". I think you'll get a lot more mileage out of your relationship with your growing child if you can diffuse your own bomb a little.

Briefly, "virginity" does not really...exist. Yes, it is a myth, but there's not some golden fleece that comes with it, no Masters Degree or free vacation. The power of VIRGINITY is purely of your own family's creation. Personally, I hope my daughter never even hears the word.


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## Julesmom16 (Apr 4, 2011)

I know the mother of the girl she was supposed to be with, we plan on talking with her very soon. This girl has had a few issues here and there, but I liked her and thought she was a pretty decent kid. The other friend (the one she was with in the car) I do NOT care for. In fact, she has changed a bit since meeting this girl. I have met her parents a time or two, but I TRUSTED my daughter so I did not see the need to call/check every time she was going somewhere.

I drove by that night to prove her father wrong, that is why I used the word SHOCKED. I am shocked, surprised, dissappointed. I would have never thought she was out and about doing these sorts of things. She is a very funny, outgoing, happy, loveable person. She has the qualities and personality of those people who go very far in life, unless she continues to screw up, blow off school and ends up in trouble with the law.

The curfew for a 16 yo driver is midnight, period. That is the state law. So, in the past two days I have learned that not only is she breaking rules, but multiple laws as well.

As for virginity, I personally do not understand your point that it is a "myth". Read the bible. I don't feel that Virginity=special powers, etc. Being a nurse, I have had NO ISSUES discussing sex, drugs, etc. with her. We have talked about it. I have raised her to respect her body and treat it well, not to fall for corny lines guys may throw her way, not to be easy, and not to have sex unless she is ready for all the other baggage that comes with it. I had my daughter at 19 years old, I really do not feel like becoming a grandmother before I am 40.

She is a very talented girl, she *was* an awesome cheerleader. She was going to try out for a competitive gym, one that she has wanted to cheer for since 7th grade. Due to the recent lack of interest and other signs, I started to think something was up with her. She seemed to have no interest in anything but going out and hanging with friends every chance she got. That is normal for a 16 year old, but, the fact that NO ONE ever came to our house to spend the night and other things led me to the "light bulb" moment. But, I did not expect to find out everything I have learned over the last two days.

I am only 35 years old, I can clearly remember what it is like to be a teen. I know what I did at 16, she just didn't seem to be the type that would be acting out like this. We have a stable family, she has everything any girl would want, a very nice car, no issues with drugs/alcohol in the family. My husband and I are at home most of the time, infact he stays home to help care for my mother (transportation to doctors offices, etc.) and to make sure she does not fall. I only work three days a week.....so there is plenty of supervision and support for her.

I never yelled or verbally abused her growing up, she has not been sexually abused, etc. No issues with abuse/neglect/absent parents. Although this type of history is not mandatory for the types of behavior she is displaying, kids with an abuse history tend to have more problems with drugs and alcohol.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Julesmom16*
> 
> I never yelled or verbally abused her growing up, she has not been sexually abused, etc. No issues with abuse/neglect/absent parents. Although this type of history is not mandatory for the types of behavior she is displaying, kids with an abuse history tend to have more problems with drugs and alcohol.


I think a certain amount of experimentation is normal at 16, and honestly, what you have described does not sound to me like a problem with drugs and alcohol, it sounds like experimentation. Certainly not something to be encouraged, but not a sign that she is headed to perdition on the fast track. I don't know a single person in real life that NEVER lied to their parents about there whereabouts at least a few times at that age, and I have no illusions that no doubt I've been lied to a few times by my teens.

I agree with Philomom - a two week grounding, and a serious discussion about expectations and the possible legal repercussions of what she has been doing. Also, instead of trying to control whether or not she is sexually active, a serious talk about contraception and safe sex.


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## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

There are books about how virginity as a construct is harmful to young people (women specifically). I read the first chapters of a book called The Purity Myth recently, maybe it would help you let go of (what sounds to me to be) a serious hang-up.

My appreciation for this bible you mention is purely historical and mythical. This is a diverse board, so please don't assume that I have or will or should read it. It's not exactly a feminist tale (read The Red Tent for a different spin on one of the bible's stories that may also be good for you as a female-identified parent of a female-identified child).

I am a genderqueer anthropologist, so that's kind of where I'm coming from. It 'sounds' to me like you are very addicted to your worldview and I'd, personally and academically, encourage you to engage actively to take a few steps back from all that. It does not look like fun to be so confined in your high-maintenance expectations and conditions for your child. I'd try to enjoy parenting a little more and broaden my own horizons. You seem desperate avoid blame and set yourself apart from those who you perceive to be unsavory. We're talking about two posts on a chat board, so it's an ultra-limited lens that I'm commenting on/through.

Good luck.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

AttunedMama, I'm with you on the whole "virginity" thing - maybe you can start another thread on it? I think it's an interesting discussion to have above and beyond the situation that this family is dealing with.

OP, I really do think you need to do your best to get over being so shocked that you can't look at her or talk to her. That sort of reaction from you could be very, very damaging. If you want to keep open the lines of communication, you need to be willing to communicate with her without making her feel like she's, I don't know, damaged goods in your eyes.

I don't know if it helps to hear - but I did my fair share of partying/pot smoking/hanging out with older guys/lying to my mom about where I was in high school. Still, I graduated from HS in the top of my class, graduated college in 4 years with honors, didn't get pregnant until I was married and planned the pregnancy (first was born the year I turned 25), worked at a decent job until I decided to become a SAHM, am neither a drug addict nor an alcoholic, etc. So her doing some experimenting and going a little wild doesn't mean she's on a path to a life that you wouldn't want for her. Honestly, most of the friends I went a little wild with ended up being very successful - doctors, lawyers, well known programmers in software and gaming, college professors, etc. So, yes, I get that you're upset that she has been lying to you and smoking pot/drinking. I understand being upset about that. But it isn't the end of the world. If you act like it's the end of the world, there's a darn good chance she'll start tuning out everything you say. I think you need to find a balance between expressing your disapproval and making her feel worthless.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

OP, coming at this from a slightly different perspective, if you overreact (and I'm not at all suggesting that you have nothing to react to), you change your daughter's perception of the situation away from "yikes, I really disappointed my mom" to "god, my mom is such a (fill in the blank with whatever)." So instead of reflecting on the situation, she'll just be angry with you. And if you get a teen angry with you, they don't generally feel the need to do what you want them to do, and in fact feel the urge to do the opposite.

So, react, yes. But don't overreact. And don't close the lines of communication. You remember being a teen? Good. Start thinking from that perspective again. Talk to her from that perspective. You've learned from some mistakes, right? Share with her what you learned, and how, and why. This is going to get through to her a lot better than you flipping out.


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## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *laohaire*
> 
> OP, coming at this from a slightly different perspective, if you overreact (and I'm not at all suggesting that you have nothing to react to), you change your daughter's perception of the situation away from "yikes, I really disappointed my mom" to "god, my mom is such a (fill in the blank with whatever)." So instead of reflecting on the situation, she'll just be angry with you. And if you get a teen angry with you, they don't generally feel the need to do what you want them to do, and in fact feel the urge to do the opposite.
> 
> So, react, yes. But don't overreact. And don't close the lines of communication. You remember being a teen? Good. Start thinking from that perspective again. Talk to her from that perspective. You've learned from some mistakes, right? Share with her what you learned, and how, and why. This is going to get through to her a lot better than you flipping out.


I think this is really good. I say, whatever feelings Mom (Dad, etc) is having are completely valid. They're feelings, after all. Where wise parenting (relating) takes effect is when we make the association..."Wow, I feel really freaked out/ashamed by my kid. What can I do to translate those feelings into response and 'policy' that does not damage our relationship?".

Personally, I was not able to appreciate groundings at the age of 16. That totally alienated me from my parents. I'm not saying that makes it the wrong call, I'm just reflecting.


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## MamatoD (Dec 14, 2009)

I'm not the parent of a teenager but, your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. My family life was very nice, I was well cared for, my needs were met. My family is very religious though, and with this came a lot of expectations of what was right and wrong, things that I didn't feel were justified simply by religious directives of right and wrong. As I questioned my parents religious stand points I also experimented with pot/ alcohol/ boys. My parents are great people, and I love them and appreciate everything they did for me, but in the end I'm not able to embrace the same beliefs. After going through questioning I see that a lot of what they wanted for me was a good idea, I just have different reasons for thinking so. In the end you don't have to agree with your daughters actions, but tell her you don't agree and love her regardless. Please encourage her to be responsible because you don't want her to get hurt physically or emotionally, not just because that is what the bible says. It's great to set limits and insist that she follow the law as she is not yet legally an adult, but it's not fair to shame your daughter for choosing a different path or questioning. BTW, I turned out okay, graduated from college waited to get married to have kids, as did most of the kids I hung out with at the time. I'm sure this is very stressful for you so, good luck. My only advice would be to think of the non-biblical reasons you want your daughter to reconsider her actions, encourage her to be safe, don't just forbid. I hope this is somewhat helpful.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

IMO I think you have idealized your daughter. You see her as being perfect without flaws this is a hard image to live up to -- not being perfect equals "failure" to you and her.

You say she has great self esteeme, but IMO her behavior doesn't match a child with good self esteeme. Her behavior does not equal abuse but does equal you all need help negotating the teen years.

She broke your trust y'all as a family have to working on building trust with each other.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

She's still the same funny, happy, outgoing, good person. But she lied to you and has damaged the trust between you. I think it's important that you focus on the fact that you LOVE her and that you want only the best for her. Not only that you're disappointed or that she is bad--her mistakes are pretty common for her age.

Do you really think she has been smoking that much pot or do you think she was just talking big for the bf's benefit? That's a big serious discussion in itself.

Sex...it sounds like you're not afraid to talk about it, but maybe it's more important to focus on letting her know that sneaking around is never good--if she has serious feelings for someone and they reciprocate, it should all be above board enough for the boy in question to come to your home. (And if he's in college, he should really be a man about it and come over and introduce himself.)

I agree with you that you have plenty of cause to be concerned, but I'd be careful that you don't push her farther away when what you need to do now is draw her in a little closer.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I feel like maybe you are over-reacting a bit here. Not being able to look at her or talk to her? That just seems so extreme, to me. I feel bad for her, even though I know you are the one upset b/c you feel like your world has shattered and all that. Really, what she is doing is typical behavior for many teenagers. Not that it's ideal or responsible or near the best decisions she could be making - but these are learning opportunities for her. How you react, or over-react, is going to impact what she does in the future, and whether or not she continues to lie to you about her whereabouts. If she can't even have a conversation with you now after she's been "busted", b/c you are so pissed you don't want to deal with her, how on earth will she ever feel comfortable coming to you about something more serious than smoking a little pot and staying out after curfew?

I would tell her your concerns, about breaking laws and not knowing where she is, but come from a non-judgmental place - so she doesn't feel like you think she is a bad person for the decisions she has made. 16 really is almost an adult, btw; in less than 2 years she could be living on her own answering to no one but herself. That is why now is the time where she needs to realize that her actions could result in harm to herself, criminal charges, even teen pregnancy. Speaking of, if she says she's not having sex, you might as well believe her. Many 16 year olds are sexually active, but many are not. According to my sociology textbook (just finished the chapter on sexuality) the majority of teens have in fact had intercourse by the time they graduate high school. Sounds about right to me. These are normal kids - not all heathens or whatever. My point is that whether she chooses to have sex now, next year, the year after or at 21 on her wedding night, it's her decision and as long as she knows about contraceptives and the potential emotional aspect of sexual relationships, I would respect her choice.

I guess it seems shocking when it's your own baby... one who you think is sweet and innocent; however, nothing that you posted seemed "shocking" to me with regards to your typical teen. There are plenty more who do much, much worse, just as there are plenty that are content with staying home every weekend reading. As long as you help guide her, instead of freak out, I think your DD will be just fine.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

The fact that an attractive, outgoing 16yo has been fooling around with boys doesn't really surprise me. I would believe her when she says that she isn't sexually active, but I wouldn't assume that statement would remain true under all circumstances she may encounter in the future. It would be a good idea to have a serious conversation with her about birth control and STDs (even if she insists she has no need) and about the risks of combining drugs and sexual activity.

I think you need to take a little time by yourself and recover from your reaction. Your posts here emphasize everything you feel your dd has - car, loving family, status with her peers - but having stuff doesn't translate into instant happiness. As a teacher, I encounter unhappy varsity cheerleaders on a regular basis. I think you have to let go of the expectation that if your dd has everything she will be happy, and if she is happy, she will also be "good."

Typical teenage mistakes are typical because a lot of kids make them no matter what their parents say. But your dd hasn't changed into a different person. If I were in your shoes, the college pot-head boyfriend would only be welcome to hang out with my dd in my living room, with me or my dh present. Maybe we could all go to a movie together. Or to do a family shift in the soup kitchen. But my dd would not be going out with him alone, because he gave her pot. I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous. I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages. I would be open about my concerns with my dd. Honestly, I would kick him to the curb if I could, but who my dd is in a relationship with isn't something I get to control. I can supervise, though. A lot. If it's true love he'll stick around, but I sort of doubt it.

I'm also not a fan of grounding. I think you have clear cause, and it's fair to do so in this situation. You didn't know where your dd was, and she violated the local curfew laws. So go ahead and ground her. But it won't solve your problem here. In addition to the grounding (or instead, if you haven't made announcements yet) I would fill your dd's weekend timetable for a while. It's time to do that deep spring cleaning, or that community service project, and you need her help, obviously. Plant a garden. Paint the kitchen. Check out three farmers markets and then make something time-consuming. Take her with you for a while. She needs a little parent-centering.

And start calling parents when she tells you she's going somewhere. Trust, but verify.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

Like the PPs, I'm going to echo that you not over-react. Like the curfew thing. While it is technically breaking the law, it's not exactly in the same class as stealing a car, you know? Worst case scenario, the cops pick her up, call you & you go and get her. The end. I went through a few bad years with my teenage DD too (now grown up). It was really important for me to separate my own knee-jerk reactions from the reality of the situations. I also had to learn that she was very nearly an adult & had to learn to make her own decisions, be they good or bad. It wasn't my job to make them for her, it was my job to be there for her.

Your dd lying to you about where she is -- she's essentially making her own decisions about where she is going to be and what she is going to do. Can you stop her from doing that? Not effectively. You can ground her, but I can tell you how well that (didn't) work for me -- or my own daughter. However, you *can* foster a good, open relationship with her wherein she feels comfortable calling you to come and pick her up if she finds herself in a bad situation, or even just discussing possible scenarios with you. If she thinks you are going to shut her down and judge her, she will still do those things but she won't come to you for assistance.

I am going to very gently suggest you examine some of your own assumptions. You say your DD isn't "the type" to do these things. You obviously have an image of a person attached to these behaviours. So, the fact that she's behaving this way, does that make her "the type" or does that mean that perhaps there is no type? The way you feel about this is going to drastically affect the way you feel about your daughter.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

My great grandmother, who was also a very religious and and observant person had this saying "No matter what your kids do they need to know that when they are in trouble they can come to you".
Yes, it can be tough when you think your child is making choices you don't agree with, but if I were in the OP's shoes, I'd focus on figuring out how to reconnect and support DD rather than my disappointment in her. Sure, she can be grounded for a while, but she will eventually find the way to make her own decisions and the OP won't have either the influence, nor the opportunity to help guide her.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *stik*
> 
> I assume that he hasn't been providing the free weed just because he's generous. I would have grave concerns that if the pot doesn't have the desired effect in the near future, he might make the leap to spiking alcoholic beverages..


I think this is a really big assumption. I smoked pot in my youth and I never once bought it - not because people were trying to get me in bed (esp considering that some people who would give it to me were female and hetero or male and gay) but because smoking pot tends to be a social/communal activity and (generally speaking) those who have, share. I think there's a huge jump between "Hey, wanna smoke out?" and "This girl won't do me either sober or high, so I'm going to drug and rape her" and I wouldn't assume that of any man without some sort of evidence to suggest it. That said, I think that if a young woman is dating at all, the date/acquaintance rape talk needs to be had. And along with that talk needs to be a clear expression of the fact that if someone tries to sexually assault her or actually does assault her, that she can come to a parent with it no matter what the circumstances were - was she drunk, smoking pot, at a bar with a fake ID, hanging out with a guy you'd told her not to have contact with, had she sneaked out after you thought she was in bed, had she willingly participated in some sexual contact before the assault? It's important for her to know that none of that matters and that she can come to her mother for help.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *eclipse*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Drugs and alcohol can impair your judgment.. leading you to do things you wouldn't normally do. I think it is fair to assume he's trying to get her to let her guard down.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


 I'm going with Eclipse on this one. There is no evidence that this is a young man with nefarious intentions, who'd escalate to rape if he doesn't get his way. Plus, "boy in college" could mean someone as young as 17. We just don't know enough detail here to panic and make big leaps.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Why is this a fair assumption???


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I'm gonna go with those who say pot is a communal thing. It's practically a law. You got it, you gotta share it. Other drugs, including alcohol, I'd say that was a fair assumption, but the social ritual of passing around a joint is radically different. If you have LSD or heroin you are going to be picky about who you share it with (because it's expensive and not as easily shared) and if you want to share, you may indeed have "motives." I think besides the cultural (hippie) aspect of weed, there's also the plain fact that it's smoke. With ecstasy you take a tab and it's gone, you don't share that particular tab - if you are sharing, you have to buy more tabs. With a joint, you take a drag but while you're working that drag through you, the joint's still burning. So it's almost a waste not to pass it around. I don't claim to have ever been a pothead, but sure, I've hit a bong or two in my life (one shaped like the Enterprise!!!!), but I've never bought, and I've never had anyone who provided weed try to take advantage of me. If it was just me and another person, it was my girlfriend, and if it was anyone else, it was a group of 5 or 8 people all just hanging.


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## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

I would be extremely upset in your position as well. But the way you are responding is how my mother responded to my rebellion and drove a huge wedge between us and led to me doing worse things and getting better at lying about them. I don't have an answer for you on how to respond, but I would tread lightly as your relationship is extremely important right now.


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## mammakatie (Oct 27, 2009)

I've only read a few posts here, but I think I'd like to say my two cents...

I am 27 years old...it doesn't seem like it, but not long ago I was 16 and I was doing stupid crap.

I was raised Catholic. I was raised 'right' as some would say. I was taught to be respectful, mind my elders, show others respect at all times, heed what your parents tell you to do, especially when it comes to curfews and being truthful about where I was.

For the most part, I respected my mother's wishes because I respected my mother. I knew what it would do to her mentally if she knew that I had fed her a whopping lie. Not that I never got caught in a lie...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's normal for teens to want to step out and into new territory. What keeps them stepping back into that world where you don't want them to go is YOUR reaction to them making these decisions.

Now there was no Facebook or Myspace or even cell phones when I was 16. There was also no such thing as "grounding" in our house, because our (my sister and my) rooms were laden with our TVs and other such fun things like our arts and crafts...it was useless to send us to our rooms. My mother would talk to us.

She didn't scream. She didn't forbid. She didn't do anything except explain to us the consequences of our actions. She explained to us how much it hurt her that we would lie to her. She explained to us how awful it would have been for her and everyone in the world who loved us if we had gotten ourselves into a situation we couldn't get out of all because we couldn't be truthful with our mother; the one we should trust and respect above all others.

Most of the friends I had growing up came from troubled homes...their parents tried to get a handle on their kids by restricting EVERYTHING. Most of the time, that doesn't work at all. It only makes them more rebellious. It forces them back into the company of the 'college-aged pot-smoking dudes' because those guys are 'hip' and 'cool' and they 'understand because Mom and Dad are Nazis".

I smoked a metric butt-ton of pot when I was in high school. I graduated with flying colors. I got into college. I was able to hold a job. I was able to get an apartment. I made my priority list and I stuck to it and I had an awesome life. I decided to quit after I got 'partying' out of my system. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions about marijuana...yes it's illegal, but only because the government can't tax it because they can't regulate it's growth. It's not heroin or crystal meth. It's a natural plant that grows out of God's Green Earth. It's no where NEAR as dangerous as cigarettes or alcohol. My only reason for mentioning my opinion about pot is that it is NO WAY a reason for you to think that your daughter's life is ruined because she smokes a few blunts.

My only advice would be to not scream at her...don't call her a loser...don't take things away (seriously, I have no idea why people do this...it only makes things worse and makes kids lash out and rage even more...think about it, you take away a cell phone? You're basically saying 'the power to make a bad child into a good child is in the CELL PHONE!' You're giving it all the power, therefore absolving yourself or your child from any guilt or blame...works the same with video games, television, computer/internet, you name it).....don't try and 'tell her fortune' to her by saying that pot will mess up her life and turn her into a bum...you might as well start driving her to those parties yourself because that's where she's going to want to go if you keep telling her how bad and evil it all is.

Just let her know, in the kindest way you can, that what she is doing is hurting you as her mother. It's the whole "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed"-thing...IT WORKS. Once she knows that her partying isn't about her...that it literally is causing you, her loving mother, grief and turmoil and worrying, the gears in her head will start working and she'll be able to better gauge what is more important at the time: getting high and partying or making sure that the woman who's devoted every waking moment to her well-being is in the right frame of mind.

(ps: and I think it's a total faux-pas to 'stop by on the way to the grocery' to make sure she's where she needs to be...the most important thing is to develop trust....by stalking her, YOU are sending her the wrong message...it's like you're saying "I DONT TRUST YOU AT ALL." Whether or not she's 16 and still a minor, she is a growing human being and she needs to learn what it is to be the trustee. By following her every move, you're only going to send her over the edge. Treat her like an adult and she'll BEHAVE like one.)

Love!


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## Karalina (Dec 9, 2001)

i have to say that when i was 16 I used to crawl out of my window and drive my MOM"S car to go have sex with a 26 yo man! (a family friend I thought I was in love with)

I was STraight A- honor everything- scholarship to college etc. My mom had incredibly high expectations for me- don't know if that had anything to do with it or it was normal 16 yo behavior to be experimenting-

But I am a fine, SAHM- multiple college degrees, happily married, etc. I know I would be freaking if I were you- but i think i tend to freak! I have a raging thread right now on MDC about songs and their content--- my 10 yo listens to all of the songs on the radio- and let me tell you- there's some SHOCKING stuff on the regular radio- and I am not a prude!

I think I am trying to say maybe we both need to accept some deviant (or not even deveint, but for me just behavior we don't approve of) and do our best to guide and keep connections. Faith.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I have to admit with my drug use in the past getting in my pants was not the goal. With pot and drinking it is often "share the wealth". I know if I had a stash I shared it, just like my friends did. We would also all chip in to buy and get high together. At that age getting high was really a group activity.


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## dairy2dogs (May 1, 2006)

I have to agree with Eclipse, that isn't a fair assumption. It could be a possibility but only one of many. I think its a good idea to try to get to know this boy.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *eclipse*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I do not think it matters whether it is a fair assumption or not. Alcohal and pot do cause people to lower some barriers. I would caution a child that drinking and smoking up does lower inhibitions. I would go so far as to point out that there may be a line they do not want to cross - have one or 2 drinks but do not get so drunk you do something you might regret.

I also think carrying condoms around is not a bad idea.....


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

As a former wild child (whose mother made things worse) this is my take:

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
> 
> I have to admit with my drug use in the past getting in my pants was not the goal. With pot and drinking it is often "share the wealth". I know if I had a stash I shared it, just like my friends did. We would also all chip in to buy and get high together. At that age getting high was really a group activity.


Very true. Lines up with my personal experience.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> I do not think it matters whether it is a fair assumption or not. Alcohal and pot do cause people to lower some barriers. I would caution a child that drinking and smoking up does lower inhibitions. I would go so far as to point out that there may be a line they do not want to cross - have one or 2 drinks but do not get so drunk you do something you might regret.
> 
> I also think carrying condoms around is not a bad idea.....


Also true. I've talked to my DDs about drinking and sex, and always keeping their wits about them. The way I talk to them is influenced by the fact that one of my friends is a rape advocate and her typical survivor was wasted to the point of passing out.

However, I really think it's more true with drinking than with smoking pot. Pot smokers, for the most part, are a pretty mellow sort, not likely to become violent criminals.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Julesmom16*
> In message between her and the boy that asked her to his prom (she is a sophmore) she said she had been smoking "3-4 blunts every Friday and Saturday, for two months straight". She apparently has been hanging out with a college freshman and his buddies. This guy has been GIVING my daughter pot, for free. She also said she has been drinking, fooling around with guys, etc.


It sounds like she's has boyfriend and that they've been together for awhile. To rephrase what you wrote you could say "my DD has been involved with a boy since at least last spring. They like hanging out in groups with his other friends. I'm uncomfortable with it because he seems so much older than her. He pays for things they do. She's also smoking pot."

In some circles, paying for pot isn't really different than paying to see a movie. I wouldn't assume that a guy that has been interested in your DD for nearly a year is trying to get her stoned so he can get into her pants. If he were just about sex, there are easier and quicker ways to make it happen. I think it's possible that he actually likes her as a person. (she sounds likable)

And fooling around with a boy that she has been in a relationship with for months is really not the same as "partying with college guys."

I suspect that you said/did something to get cut out of your DD's trust a long time ago, and while I understand being VERY upset, I think that working on rebuilding a relationship with her *could* be one of the things you do. I think that will only work if you make peace with her boyfriend, and allow her space to be honest about the fact that she spends time with him.

And I used to exaggerate my substance abuse when speaking to my friends. It's very sad that some people are so insecure that they try to sound hip being doing so, but I wouldn't assume that she's smoking as much as she says she smokes. She lies. She lies to you and she may be lying to her friends. She may be lying to herself. She's going through the stuff. Try to get back on her side -- she needs you, she just doesn't think she does.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AttunedMama*
> 
> .
> 
> Briefly, "virginity" does not really...exist. Yes, it is a myth, but there's not some golden fleece that comes with it, no Masters Degree or free vacation. The power of VIRGINITY is purely of your own family's creation. Personally, I hope my daughter never even hears the word.


I agree. I've never used that word with my 17 year old dd. Intimacy and sex can be a gift to share with someone special. There is no "loss" here IMO. Rather, if done well.. ...a lot to be gained by sharing the experience.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

OP, you sound a lot like my mom did when I was a teenager. My mom caught me doing a few things(not being where I was supposed to be, smoking, drinking, and so on) and she absolutely went through the roof. Shocked, appalled, acted like I had completely lost my mind and I was now a disaster.

But y'know, I wasn't. I actually wasn't a "wild child." Yes, I tried smoking. I never liked it. Yes, I drank, but I absolutely never got drunk. I was too scared to go that far with it. I was just trying it out. And yes, I did end up having sex. But I wasn't having tons of promiscuous sex with whoever. It was a carefully chosen select few, and I was safe about it.

The thing was.... My parents had their values. I didn't have the same ones. That's just reality. I have my own boundaries, limits, morals, what have you. I just don't agree with my parents. I don't think drinking is bad, I don't think sex is only for marriage, and so on.

My parents and I will never agree on these things. It's taken my parents(my mom especially) a lot of years to realize she just needs to let this stuff go.

The issue you need to deal with is the lying. But at the same time..... to some degree you're putting her in a position where she can't be honest. What would happen if she told you she was thinking of having sex? Of drinking? Of smoking pot? How would you have responded?


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


or she was like "hey I want to smoke some weed and you my college BF can get it more easily than I can!"....Seriously now









ETA if he was plying her with alcohol all the time urging her to get drunk I'd be way more concerned about "advantage" taking...

Also I'm sorry did someone say they smoked a bong the shape of the enterprise


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Julesmom16*
> 
> I know this is long, sorry about that. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. So far we've taken her car, phone, and computer away and have grounded her for a month.
> 
> I know what I was doing at 16, I'm just SHOCKED that she is doing these things


It sounds like you already took positive steps to deal with it. She has broken your trust and now she has to deal with the consequences. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> Also I'm sorry did someone say they smoked a bong the shape of the enterprise


Yeah, that was me. One of the prouder moments in my life. I bought the owner of said bong a uniform shirt modeled after The Next Generation crew, officer color (red), that I found in a $5 discount bin at a media store. He declared it was the best present of his whole life. Ah, memories.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *laohaire*
> 
> Yeah, that was me. One of the prouder moments in my life. I bought the owner of said bong a uniform shirt modeled after The Next Generation crew, officer color (red), that I found in a $5 discount bin at a media store. He declared it was the best present of his whole life. Ah, memories.


That's so cool. I wish I'd had the chance to do that, before I swore off pot for life...

I'm not addressing the fundamental issue of the OP's dd's behaviour, because OP and I are lightyears apart in our views, and I don't really know what to say. But, I'll also throw my two bits in about the whole "he's buying her pot to get into her pants" thing. Nope. I smoked pot for years. I smoked it heavily for 2-3 years, and more lightly/recreationally for about four (split before and after the heavy use years). In that time, I had lots and lots and lots of people buy pot for me - mostly guys, but a few girls, as well. Aside from my ex, who I was already having sex with before we ever smoked pot together, only one of those guys ever tried anything. And, that was because we were good friends, and he apparently thought I had much stronger feelings for him than I did. He backed off pretty quickly, kept smoking me up, and never tried anything again.

I'm not going to claim that no guy has ever bought a girl pot in the hopes that she'll sleep with him, but it's really not that common, or that likely, imo and ime. Pot smoking has a very different social dynamic than any other drug I've come across, and smoking each other up (at least that's how we phrased it in my long-lost teens) is just part of it. He/she who has money buys the pot, and he/she who has a desire to smoke it, smokes the pot. The degree of overlap varies wildly from one person to the next. (I rarely bought my own, because I had very little money.)


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> That's so cool. I wish I'd had the chance to do that, before I swore off pot for life...
> 
> ...


ohhh storm bride you were a mooch!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> ohhh storm bride you were a mooch!


Yeah...pretty much. I mostly didn't care that much whether I had pot or not, and didn't have much cash. So, my friends (who seemed to really like smoking with me) bought the weed. Looking back, I'm kind of shocked, actually. Mooching isn't my personality, at all.


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## Laurski (Mar 13, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Julesmom16*
> 
> I know the mother of the girl she was supposed to be with, we plan on talking with her very soon. This girl has had a few issues here and there, but I liked her and thought she was a pretty decent kid. The other friend (the one she was with in the car) I do NOT care for. In fact, she has changed a bit since meeting this girl. I have met her parents a time or two, but I TRUSTED my daughter so I did not see the need to call/check every time she was going somewhere.
> 
> ...


I didn't read all of the other responses, baby's about to wrap up nursing, but I wanted to provide a little perspective on the part I bolded...

While I didn't smoke pot until I was in college, I *did* party and drink in high school. I also had consensual sex with my then-boyfriend when I was 17. Absolutely no abuse--verbal, sexual, emotional, or otherwise--in my background...

And as for my performance in school while illegally imbibing, occasionally lying to my parents (and once getting *spectacularly* busted), and doing some partying on the weekends? A three sport varsity athlete (varsity in each sport all 4 years of high school, and also captain of each for 2 years), 1st chair in band for the flute, all honors classes, graduated valedictorian with an A+ average, a 1510 on my SATs (including 800 on the verbal), admission to many selective colleges, including a few Ivies...and I think there was some more stuff, too. (Man, was I a nerd or what?







)

Besides getting tired just typing what a little go-getter I was back in the day, my point in writing all this is to help you calm down a little bit and get some perspective about your daughter's behavior. You have every right to be upset that she's lied to you and done things that are illegal and that are against your belief system. HOWEVER, her actions don't mean that she's thrown her life away or that she is now an irredeemable drunken pothead party girl. My parents always tried to interact with me rationally and calmly, and my punishment for the spectacular bust mentioned above (not that unlike your daughter's, actually) was measured and reasonable (even if I thought it was unreasonable at the time...)

I hope you're able to work things out with your daughter and punish her behavior in a way you see fit, but without doing so in a way that drives her to keep doing these things, but in a stealthier way.

Good luck!


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

I partied, drank, smoked pot, and had consensual sex in high school. And I lied to my mother every single day about it because I knew ithat if she found out she would take it really personally. I just wanted to experiment and do MY thing, it wasnt about her at all. I think its likely that you are feeling like because you have provided a "nice life" and "havent yelled", or you've "given her a car" you think that she is doing this TO you, as though you dont deserve this. Its really unlikely that she has ever thought about how you would feel, because teenagers dont usually care how their parents feel about things they never think they arent going to get caught doing. Id for sure not be asking her too much about her virginity. My mother patted me on the back while I was crying my heart out because my boyfriend broke up with me and she said, "Im so glad you didnt give your virginity away to him." I did. I never told her about any boyfriend again.

Personally, I think everything your daughter is doing sounds pretty normal for a 16 year old. Lots of them just dont get caught (I have a 13, 18, 19, and 20 year old sisters, so Ive known LOTS of stuff they are doing that they would NEVER tell Mama). Also, IMO, where I went to high school, the cheerleaders always partied, drank and had sex.

I know its devestating information to you, but if I were you I would be careful about demanding her facebook password and such. Just remember, its only two more years before she isnt obligated to tell you ANYthing, including her phone number or where she lives (I did that for about 6 months because my mother was so pushy and judgmental).


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> I partied, drank, smoked pot, and had consensual sex in high school. *And I lied to my mother every single day about it because I knew ithat if she found out she would take it really personally. I just wanted to experiment and do MY thing, it wasnt about her at all. I think its likely that you are feeling like because you have provided a "nice life" and "havent yelled", or you've "given her a car" you think that she is doing this TO you, as though you dont deserve this. Its really unlikely that she has ever thought about how you would feel, because teenagers dont usually care how their parents feel about things they never think they arent going to get caught doing*. Id for sure not be asking her too much about her virginity. My mother patted me on the back while I was crying my heart out because my boyfriend broke up with me and she said, "Im so glad you didnt give your virginity away to him." I did. I never told her about any boyfriend again.
> 
> ...


This is so true!

My mother caught me and my then BF having sex during the middle of the day when we should have been at school.







Just about the most humiliating moment of my life but thats another story. Her reaction though was something that will always stick with me...She came upstairs when she got home from work that day and said to me, "why couldn't you have told me you were going to do this to me!" Yeah, score one for bad parenting mom. At that point I turned my ears off and ignored the rest of the speech I got.

I think a lot of parents take it very personally when their kids do something stupid or that is not approved of. It probably seems like a reflection on their parenting skills..."Well if I had been better then DD or DS wouldn't have done this stupid thing..." I also feel like as a PP mentioned you are looking for anyone to blame besides you...I don't think that is wrong because you aren't to blame...It has NOTHING to do with YOU..It is your daughter doing what SHE wants. I don't think you can point the finger at other people (friends) or the fact that you gave her the "good" life... Cheerleading doesn't = good decisions (I never looked at a cheerleading as the place where the girls are making all the mature decisions anyway







) or having a fancy car that she didn't even have to earn herself = being mature all the time.

It must be hard to have your daughter making decisions that are so different from what you want for her. I imagine if my DD was anything like I was when I was teenager I would be upset and concerned because I did some really really stupid things as a kid...Stealing dad's SUV and joyriding in the middle of the night with friends, when I was FOURTEEN... I just know that I have to try to appreciate where she is coming from, she isn't thinking of her mother if she decides to have sex with her boyfriend or smoke weed with her friends, she is thinking of her own happiness in that moment, what a teenager thing to do.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

I would ground for the lying/breaking rules. I would want to sit down and talk with dd about why she feels the need to do such things along with the drug use.

Ask her to talk about it. Even though she is not sexually active talk about the diseases she can get that have no cure and can affect fertility.Make sure she is aware of the risks of sexual activity and drug use. Not all people become addicts,but some do get hooked.You need only watch a few episodes of A&E Intervention to see how one small decision can ruin your life.

I see no need for driving at 16,but that is just my personal preference for when my kids are older. I waited to drive and will make my kids do the same,and they will not be in a car with a teen driver.

Best wishes and I hope you can get through this without severing the mother/daughter bond. In a year or 2 she will be on her own and you just have to hope your parenting was enough to get her through the difficult choices she will be presented with.

I agree with kids being able to count on parents,but also draw the line.My brother is over 40 and my mom still *bails* him out.You don't want that kind of life!


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## JellyMomma (May 16, 2008)

I hope the OP hasn't been scared off...

Parenting a teen is HARD. I feel for you -- it's not easy when we discover that our "perfect" children are not exactly perfect.

This has been my tactic with my 13 (almost 14) year old. I have no idea if it's going to work but it seems to be getting through to her:

Whenever I have an opportunity to bring up sex/alcohol/drugs/boys, etc.- for example while we're watching a TV show or movie about teens, I remind her that she's going to have a lot more control over her life in the coming years. I tell her that once she's in HS, she's going to be exposed to lots of different kids, different ages, different attitudes and that it will be up to her to decide if she's going to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and if so, at what age, and under what circumstances. I tell her that all of the choices that she makes in the coming years can have serious consequences, but that they will be her decisions to make...I won't be with her 24/7 and the consequences will still be there, whether or not I know what she's doing. I tell her to think seriously about what kind of person she wants to be, what her values are, what her goals are and how her actions will positively or negatively affect those goals.

I can remember, as a teenager, my main concern was getting away with things and not having my parents find out. I felt like it was smooth-sailing if I didn't get caught by my parents. Of course, I still could have gotten pregnant, arrested, killed someone while driving drunk, etc. without my parents having a clue about my behavior. I shared that with my dd. I even used the example that you shared: I told her that she can lie to me and tell me she's sleeping over at her friend's house while she's actually out doing whatever she wants. Those are choices that she can make if she decides to.

Of course I remind her about good grades, getting in to college (she already has her heart set on a certain school), careers, etc. Those are all things she'll need to consider in the coming years. I don't continually give these kinds of serious talks...only when they come up--there have been several opportunities for such talks in the last six months. I don't want to overwhelm her with the idea of future responsibilities.

Speaking of responsibility, one thing I didn't see mentioned in your post was a job--does your daughter have one? I think it's really important for kids to have that responsiblity. If she had to pay for her car insurance and gas on her own she'd need a job and she wouldn't have as much time to be out being irresponsible. A job in the real world is very different from the responsibility of school and chores. Her employer doesn't care what she's done the night before or whether or not she's tired or hungover--only that she gets to work on time.

Good luck...you've gotten some good advice from many others. I agree with everyone who has said that if you overreact it will probably backfire. She's still your little girl and she'll find her way. It sounds like she desperately wants to be grown up but, like most teens, doesn't want the responsbility that comes with it... she's trying out what she thinks are grown-up/college age behaviors. Try giving her other ways to be responsible and act like an adult -- let her make more choices about her life/future, tell her she needs to get a job, start asking more of her at home (does she do her own laundry, cook some of the family meals, etc?)... If you start treating her like an burgeoning adult, hopefully she'll rise to the occasion.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Julesmom16: I get it. I have a son who is nearly 16 and I well understand the feelings of disappointment you have in your daughter. There is not just one issue, there are many. Some are ethics-based and some are safety-based--and some are both. We do the best we can for our children and hope our efforts can inoculate them from things we wish they would avoid; reality is, though, that as they further evolve into adults, they will make mistakes. I shudder to think of the things I did at her age and older. Your daughter needs to know that you do love her, regardless...but, as a mom of a teen, I am painfully aware of how that love changes as our children age. I do not judge you for saying you can't even look at your daughter--I have been there. It's not how we want to feel about our children, but it is sometimes my reality, too. And hey--thumbs up to you for checking up on your daughter and uncovering all of this. Many, many parents would not have. Hopefully, what you have found out will open some communication between your husband, you, and your child. Parenting a teen is not for the faint of heart. Good luck.


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## Sorilla (Apr 22, 2011)

Thank you so much everyone for your posts. It really helps me with my own issues, just wanted to say a BIG thank you all!


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *caedenmomma*
> 
> Julesmom16: I get it. I have a son who is nearly 16 and I well understand the feelings of disappointment you have in your daughter.
> 
> ...


I think there are times when we are all disappointed with the choices our kids make. But to the point of being unable to even *look* at them? I can't see that unless they had done something like commit murder. And even then... I would feel compelled to look at them to try and figure out where I screwed up.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JellyMomma*
> 
> Parenting a teen is HARD. I feel for you -- it's not easy when we discover that our "perfect" children are not exactly perfect.


I'm going to disagree. I actually have found that parenting my teens was MUCH easier than parenting little ones. As teens, they are people you can actually talk to, reason with. Yes, you really can. As long as you stop treating them as 5yos.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> I think there are times when we are all disappointed with the choices our kids make. But to the point of being unable to even *look* at them? I can't see that unless they had done something like commit murder. And even then... I would feel compelled to look at them to try and figure out where I screwed up.


I don't get that either. To me, it smacks of conditional love. It's like saying "I loved you when you were little cute and easier to control. Now that you have a mind of your own and driver's license, not so much."

I'm finding teens easier than adolescents. My kids are saner post puberty than during puberty.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I don't get that either. To me, it smacks of conditional love. It's like saying "I loved you when you were little cute and easier to control. Now that you have a mind of your own and driver's license, not so much."
> 
> I'm finding teens easier than adolescents. My kids are saner post puberty than during puberty.


Exactly. I have LOVED being a parent of teens. Do we have our moments? Of course we do - heck, I still have moments with MY Mom, and I'm hardly a teen! But for the most part? They are reasonable people. Yeah - they kind of expect to be treated like the young adults they are. What a shocker.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Sounds like you are doing everything right on taking the car, phone, internet, etc. But, I would not do it for just a month. I would make her earn everything back and not allow her to ever go back and continue those friendships, or the friendships of anyone who helped her coverup. So if the friend she was supposed to be at was lying for her, not that friend either. But it will take more than a month to sever those ties.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Forcing your child to sever friendships that are important to them is a great way to get them to continue the friendships without telling you. And then you have no influence over them whatsoever. I know my teenage response to "you can't talk to/see/be friends with" whomever would have been "yeah, sure, whatever mom" - and then I would have done exactly what I wanted to do without her having any idea it was going on.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *eclipse*
> 
> Forcing your child to sever friendships that are important to them is a great way to get them to continue the friendships without telling you. And then you have no influence over them whatsoever. I know my teenage response to "you can talk to/see/be friends with" whomever would have been "yeah, sure, whatever mom" - and then I would have done exactly what I wanted to do without her having any idea it was going on.


agreed. It's also a great way to have them leave home the minute they can and not speak to you for years. (which is what I did with my overly controlling parents.)


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> agreed. It's also a great way to have them leave home the minute they can and not speak to you for years. (which is what I did with my overly controlling parents.)


Same thing here. I look back, and what I did may have been 'wrong,' but relatively speaking it was minor. I was not completely out of control or reckless, I was just doing things my parents didn't agree with. My relationship with my mom has never been the same, and I don't think ever will be.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.


But there is a way of doing that without shunning her.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

There's a difference between be angry/upset/disappointed and "not even wanting to look at" someone. One is reasonable, the other is not.


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## AttunedMama (Jan 19, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> BTW, I completely understand not wanting to even look at her when she betrayed you. It is ok to have feelings and reactions. You do not have to go around with a smile on your face and act like it does not matter. It does. She lied to you, she betrayed you. It will take time for her to rebuild your trust and she should know it. That is not about love. You can love your child while being angry. Not like you are telling her you hate her. You are saying you hate her actions, which is different. I think it would be a huge mistake to put a smile on your face and pretend none of what she did matters. She needs to know what she has done.


"Betrayed" is both incendiary, and erroneous in this context. To do any betraying, the daughter would have to be violating some sort of agreed upon pact/contract. I gather that the daughter has not voluntarily promised her mother control over her sexuality(ew), and therefore "it" is hers to do what she wishes with.

No, she doesn't need to smile about it, she needs to be the adult and show some respect.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

The responses in this thread make me so sad. I had a really controlling mother, and like Linda I didnt talk to her for several years in my 20's. Now that Ive had a child, Ive had to cut her out of my life for other reasons. I just want to say that you cannot control your 16 year old in any manner that will leave her respecting and trusting you. You CANNOT tell someone who is almost an adult who they can and cannot be friends with. They will hate you for it. My mother wouldnt let me go to prom with my older boyfriend in high school because she thought I was "too young" and she "wasnt stupid" she "knew what kinds of things kids did on prom night." I still regret not going and losing my virginity to my high school love on his prom night in his bedroom because his parents we out of town. Instead, I lost my virginity to him a few nights later in the back of his Nissian Pathfinder. I think we went to a concert (told my mother it was a movie, even bought movie tickets to show her the stubs) and took extacy and had sex the back of his car in a crowded parking lot.

Did her controlling what I could do and what I couldnt really prevent anything? No. All it did was make the memories I have of my teens all things I could never share with her because almost everything I told her was a lie. Because if I told her the truth about anything, Id be told "Go to your room , I cant even look at you right now." Which is what she said to me the night I came home after having sex with my best friend (I was almost 18!) and she forced me to show her the contents of my purse to prove to her I wasnt smoking pot and she instead found a condom wrapper. She came to the assumption that Id lost my virginity that night. *HA* To this day Ive never told her anything different.


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## feral007 (Apr 26, 2011)

I agree that you should have your boundaries, but I do think that you need to increase the amount of control teens have over their own life. I've got 2 boys thru to 18 yo - feels like a lifetime and I have had many hard words with them from both sides. But we still talk. When I've calmed down and they have then we do talk. Now they have crossed the line to being technical adults (still unable to get out of bed in the mornings tho!) I still have them coming to talk to me. This week one son has been trying to get me to agree to him getting a motorbike permit instead of learning to drive a car. This is a big thing for me as a friend of mine died on a bike when I was a teen. He has come to me to talk about it - I've told him I'll listen to him, and I look at the websites he shows me - but I've also told him I will never change my mind! I think the thing to remember is that they do have their own views on things. You don't have to agree with them or them with you - but being able to talk is really the important thing imo. I do understand not wanting to look at your teen - I've been known to tell mine I can't bear to be with them and go to my room! Ali


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## tysonk (May 18, 2011)

The main issue I'd take, besides the lying, is the fact that she's hanging out with older guys. Granted, she hasn't done anything wrong, nor does that mean she will. In fact being around older kids can have a positive influence on her, but not those kind of kids. For normal guys, hanging out with girls four years younger than you isn't normal, and it isn't accepted either. Even if a guy was hanging around with a younger girl, he certainly wouldn't let his friends know. That's what worries me, what kind of guys willingly hang around highschool girls? It reminds me vividly of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused, a sleazeball. Now you and I no doubt have different views on morality, I don't see a child smoking weed as an issue, granted there are certain circumstances (All A's/B's, no truancy, no school trouble), however I do see a very serious potential problem. Your girl is 16, she is young and inexperienced, and hanging around a bunch of sleazeballs while you're young and inexperienced really, really isn't a good thing. She has self control, weed will never take that from her, but alcohol will. It's easy when you're partying to drink, even if she doesn't like it. Weed certainly isn't a good influence in that regard, but again I wouldn't blame the weed or her for that, that's an entirely different issue. I'd sit down with her and talk to her about these guys. You can't force her to not hang around with them, trying to do so will make it worse, but let her know that guys can be disgusting.

The weed is an entirely different thing, and to put it in perspective a bit, your daughter isn't smoking very much. It's good, really really good (well.. better), that she's a weekend warrior instead of smoking it all the time. It says to me that she know's a bit about responsibility and keeping her life in check. Weed itself isn't going to make her grades go down the drain, but it's the mentality I see with so many kids that goes along with it. Many, many many kids start smoking and develop this attitude, and they just stop caring. It's not the weed, but the desire to look like they don't care, either for themselves or for their peers. When I was in highschool, that never happened to me, I got my butt kept in check. If I was going to smoke weed and party at 2'o clock in the morning, I damn well better have straight A's, so I did.

What I'd be concerned with now is any future drug use, drugs that can cause serious problems. Many say weed is a gateway drug, while it certainly isn't, those who smoke weed certainly can act like gateways, providing your daughter with actual, harmful drugs. Currently what disgusts me the most would be Xanax, if you've ever seen a 17-year-old girl on a few Xanax bars, you'd know why. There is no "No" on benzos, and you won't even remember it in the morning.

Also the curfew law, she has broken, but that is trivial. If she's out on your permission (whether she was at the time or not) a court can do nothing, a prosecutor will not prosecute you because he knows it won't last an appeal.


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## jdsf (Apr 6, 2011)

Well, I don't know how helpful this is nearly 2 months later, but I can tell you that this is not all that unusual. I, personally, would never let either of my daughters become a cheerleader because this is the exact same story I have heard from every high school cheerleader I knew in high school and in college. The more "popular" you are, the more likely you are to be peer pressured into these types of situations. For whatever reason, college boys seem to love to hang out with high school cheerleaders, and I recall many a wild party in high school where the drunk/half naked girls were all cheerleaders with college boyfriends. Of course, I went to an affluent high school, so this probably is not the case with every group of cheerleaders, but there is this pervasive mentality that you have to fit in and acquiesce to pressure in order to maintain your status.

Your kids will make bad decisions. Your kids will lie to you. But they still need to know they can trust you when they get in a situation where they are in over their heads.


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## HockeyMom654 (Jun 8, 2011)

I am sorry for your problem. A few tips - you do not demand her facebook password. You can monitor her facebook behavior and other online stuff (email, IM) w/o touch her computer. I know there is a website called www.LockItTight.com which provide a monitor tool to track your lost PC. I have been using it to check my kids behavior w/o check her pc everyday. I have been using it for a year and very convenient. Actually there is a sibling site called www.JuniorWatch.com which is specialized for monitoring kids too.


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## Mrs. Bratton (Jan 27, 2008)

Quote:


> Sounds like you are doing everything right on taking the car, phone, internet, etc. But, I would not do it for just a month. I would make her earn everything back and not allow her to ever go back and continue those friendships, or the friendships of anyone who helped her coverup. So if the friend she was supposed to be at was lying for her, not that friend either. But it will take more than a month to sever those ties.


Oh goodness. I could not disagree more. That is awful. My very best friend in high school's mom did this. We all hated that woman and still do and my friend will never be able to have an open honest relationship with her mother. She simply has a different set of morals than her mother and her mother thinks that anyone who does things differently than her is going to hell. Her mother was making untrue assumptions about us. We were good kids at heart. We just smoked a little pot and had a little fun. We all outgrew it! Just like most people do. Her mom immediately put her in counseling for her non-existent drug/alcohol addiction. The whole thing was ridiculous. Her mom just had this warped idea that pot was some serious, horrible, 'dark' thing and that we were getting high in back allies and selling our bodies for pot money or something, lol.

I also disagree that she betrayed her mother. She simply made some, possibly irresponsible, decisions that her mother doesn't agree with and lied about it b/c she knew her mother would over react. I would address the consequences of some of her decisions and take the lying more seriously.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *eclipse*
> 
> Why is this a fair assumption???


Well, if he's a young heterosexual male it definitely cannot be excluded.

She's hanging out with college guys, not a pimp down by the river.

So ... new rules. Yes you can see your new friends but home by 12. No more drinking / pot or you turn over the keys to the car. Not on school nights.

What she is doing is premature "college behavior," that matched the freshman / sophomore behavior of probably 50% or more of the class of the elite college I attended. One girl in my whole class of about 1000 students had a baby, and she got pregnant by her home town boyfriend partway into freshman year and moved back there. One.


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## Jane93 (Mar 3, 2011)

I think a number of posters have been too dismissive of the OP's concerns, especially about the pot issue. Many people here are pot positive so that is understandable.

However, there is also the case of Henry Granju whose mother, Katie Allison Granju, is a name in attachment parenting and who died of an overdose after being involved in both dealing and prostitution for drugs. He started with pot, and Katie has written on her blog that she wishes that she had taken that first discovery of his pot usage much more seriously.

I think the OP's mom should reach out for help (perhaps from a therapist or other substance abuse expert) to get better strategies on moving forward with her relationship with her daughter and addressing the various issues raised by her behavior.

Pot usage in college is not restricted to the hippie, crunchy type -- in fact, at my college, most pot smokers were actually frat boys. I would have serious concerns about a relationship between a high school sophmore and a college guy due to the power and experience differential. He could be a good guy but I would suggest that what we know about his behavior so far indicates otherwise. He may be more the type who, back in my day, liked to call the incoming freshwomen "fresh meat."

However, I think that the ship has sailed on the virginity thing. I would be managing that with discussions about safe sex.

The drug usage issue is much more serious and that would be my focus going forward.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

WTF. I was a high school and college cheerleader, straight A student, dean's list in college, never smoked or did drugs, lost my virginity on my wedding night to my still-husband. And, I stood up for myself in high school and wouldn't let myself be pressured. I had the self confidence to tell people what I did and did not want to do. I refused drugs when offered. I refused sex when boyfriends tried to pressure me. Never once was I ever half naked at a frat party, even in college. And this was just a "lowly little public high school" that was far from being affluent and then at a small rural college. Oh, and for the record, almost everyone on the cheer team in high school was a straight A student, most of them didn't do drugs, and most went on to be the top of their class at great colleges. Holy fricken false stereotype. Not all cheerleaders are valley girl ditzy drugged up tramps. And not every popular kid becomes a sex fiend druggy.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jdsf*
> 
> Well, I don't know how helpful this is nearly 2 months later, but I can tell you that this is not all that unusual. I, personally, would never let either of my daughters become a cheerleader because this is the exact same story I have heard from every high school cheerleader I knew in high school and in college. The more "popular" you are, the more likely you are to be peer pressured into these types of situations. For whatever reason, college boys seem to love to hang out with high school cheerleaders, and I recall many a wild party in high school where the drunk/half naked girls were all cheerleaders with college boyfriends. Of course, I went to an affluent high school, so this probably is not the case with every group of cheerleaders, but there is this pervasive mentality that you have to fit in and acquiesce to pressure in order to maintain your status.
> 
> Your kids will make bad decisions. Your kids will lie to you. But they still need to know they can trust you when they get in a situation where they are in over their heads.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AllyRae*
> 
> Not all cheerleaders are valley girl ditzy drugged up tramps. And not every popular kid becomes a sex fiend druggy.


yeah, the year before last my then 6th grader wanted to go out for cheerleading and we were supportive. She made the squad and cheered for one year, and decided it wasn't really her thing. I can't imagine how it would have played for her or our relationship if we had told our sweet little girl that cheerleading was out because it would cause her to turn into a skanky whore. Seriously. What would we have been saying to her about what we really thought of her? Would she have decided to prove us wrong by acting whorish without cheerleading? Would she have believed us and thought less of the girls who were on the squad? I just don't see how ANY good could have come from that.

I think that once your kids are old enough for you to post on this board, they are old enough to pick their own activities.


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