# Who else has a DH/DP who sleeps in separate room?



## calendula (Apr 15, 2003)

Just wondering how "normal" this is. We co-sleep but my DH is doing a lot of extra freelance work right now in the evenings and gets to bed very late, like 1am. We naturally fell into a routine where he sleeps in the guest room and I'm with the baby.

Well, it's working out well since he doesn't wake us up and plus I get to have the whole bed and feel relaxed if baby cries since she's not going to wake him up.

We just discussed how we're both comfortable with the arrangement. This is our 2nd child and I know there were months on and off with our first where we slept separately so DH could sleep and work but that was kind of out of desperation whereas this is a little more planned.

I just really wondered how many other folks sleep apart during the 1st year. My DD is just 7 weeks. Not sure at what point DH will come back into the bed. Guess we'll know it at the time.

Fess up!


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

we do... but actaully were slowly moving to sleeping together again as our lo's get older

we started because he couldn't get a decent nights sleep with the crying, wiggling, and me getting in and out of bed


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## takasmom (Mar 16, 2007)

uh, i know this isn't how it usually works, but sometimes *I* am the one who sleeps in the other room







:

if DS has just nursed and I don't expect him to be up for another 2 hrs,
i sometimes go and crash on the sofa bc i can sleep more deeply without
waking for every little breath. but i of course still hear him and go to him when he is up again, which these days is like every 1-1.5 hrs


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

During the first years we all slept together, but starting around last April DS and I got colds and hubby could not catch it, so he started sleeping in the living room. Then when he came back his snoring was awful and I couldn't sleep, and he was being woken up by someone gently nudging him (he says I kicked him) throughout the night. Turns out he doesn't like that as much as I didn't like the snoring!

So he continues to sleep in the living room (I've offered but he gets up really early in the AM and figures it's better if he just stays out of the bedroom). He's been losing weight and is snoring less, and I figure once he is to a weight when he didn't snore much at all, he'll move back to the bedroom.


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## trillian11 (Apr 13, 2008)

Yup, we've been doing that for the past month or so...our DS is 5 months. We have a cal-king, but it's a saggy pillow-top (beware simmons beautyrest pillowtops) and the edges are useless..DS would roll toward me when i nursed. Plus DH snores and sleeps with a body pillow and felt like i was glaring at him all night...i just felt like i had no space. So DH is in the guest room. We're thinking about side-carring the crib, so maybe someday we'll snuggle again









Carey


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

Me too! DH sleeps downstairs, and I sleep upstairs with DS. And you know what, I actually get better sleep now that DH isn't in the same bed as me...he SNORES something awful! He'd always drop off to sleep first and it would take me a long time to be able to sleep. Not anymore.


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## mamababamba (Jan 26, 2005)

We do....dh is upstairs in his music room, ds and I downstairs....colds, baby, schedule, and snoring issues but really after about 7 years of this I am feeling lonely and like it is really hurting our marriage.


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## khanni (Jan 11, 2008)

We sleep separately, and I will say that we have had separate rooms since before our first child was born. We both just sleep better--we have different body temperatures, sleep habits, hours for waking/sleeping. We still love each other, and obviously, it hasn't stopped us from making babies!


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## leila1213 (Sep 15, 2006)

We do this too. It started at the end of my pregnancy due to the repeated trips to the bathroom. DH has a hard time getting back to sleep when he wakes up at night...or so he says. He doesn't seem to have a problem when he falls asleep in front of the TV and has to get up to go to bed. Or, when he gets up to go to the bathroom a couple hours after he falls asleep initially.









I know my cousin and her family sleep in this arrangement too.

I believe my friend (also LLL leader) sleeps in this arrangement as well.


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## MoonWillow (May 24, 2006)

We have two family beds. I sleep with one kid, DH with the other.


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## khanni (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherWren* 








We have two family beds. I sleep with one kid, DH with the other.

actually, this is what we do, too...at least when DD wakes up and doesn't want to be in her bed.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

My dh has his own room downstairs. He calls it our 'sex dungeon' or the 'man lair'







even though it's just a normal bedroom.

I share two rooms upstairs with our almost six and almost one year old girls.

We've had this set up since I was seven months pregnant with our first dd.

Sex life = great; sleep = great.

Win - win!


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

Erm I sleep in the other room from DH and DS. DS sleeps better without me right there, but he likes someone right there and DH snores. With me pregnant it is just easier for me to sleep in DS' room where I can get a decent nights sleep while DH and DS co-sleep in the master bedroom.

That being said, this will be changing come December or so, when we attempt to get DS to sleep in his bed all night long, but if it doesn't happen DH will probably co-sleep with DS while I sleep with bean in DS' room once bean arrives.


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## KimPM (Nov 18, 2005)

We do too. It's been an ever changing thing. We started all in the same bed with a sidecar crib, then we tried all three of us in the queen bed for awhile, then DH moved to the futon downstairs. When we finally got a bed setup in DS's room, then DS and I went in there and DH moved back upstairs by himself in the master bedroom. Whatever works so everybody can get some sleep.

I don't know when I'll move back into the master bedroom, but I'm waiting for DS to show signs of readiness to sleep alone. He's not even close right now. Thankfully he's not night nursing anymore.


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## Nimbus (Feb 26, 2007)

We bounce around a lot. All four of us usually sleep in the same room: dh, dd, and me in one bed and ds in his own bed. If dh has to get up early and doesn't wake us, he'll sleep in the downstairs bedroom. If dd is waking a lot at night, I'll move the two of us downstairs so the guys can get some quiet sleep. If has been keeping me up a lot at night, dh may take a shift with her in the downstairs bedroom so I can get a bit more rest. On the mornings we are all home together, we usually spend 10-20 minutes all cuddling in the same bed before we start the day.


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## springmum (Aug 30, 2008)

Us too!
DH on the couch (we don't have a spare bedroom)- he stays up later than us, and goes to work before we're up usually. The major factor was his snoring. No way could handle 4-5 baby wake-ups and a million snoring wake-ups... I would be a very angry person....
Plus I think he was a little uncomfortable being in the bed when our little guy was, b/c DH is a heavy sleeper and almost deaf in one ear.... made me a little nervous too.

Seems to work well for now...


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## tea4tamara (Jul 9, 2007)

I sleep with my DD and my husband sleeps on the couch. It actually bugs me, I wish he'd come sleep in our bed. He's afraid he'll roll over the baby, but he'd actually have to roll over me first for that to happen.


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## Shannie77 (Jan 16, 2007)

We slept in seperate rooms until DD was about 5 months. At that point we moved and had a bigger bedroom. Since then me and DD sleep in our queen and DH sleeps in a twin pushed up against it.

When baby number 2 comes around DH will sleep in a seperate room for the first few months again. I am hoping that DD #1 will sleep with him... but at the moment that doesn't seem likely.

Some people think we are weird, but this is what works best for us.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Yup, but only recently. I'm actually sleeping in the other room with DD while DH sleeps in 'our' room.
DD's been going through a really bad sleeping patch and I'm hoping that I can gently transition her to sleeping on her own in her own room. (I'll still go in to nurse her, but she's a really light sleeper and I think she'll do better without someone else in the room to wake her up!)
My DH is a snorer too, and that combined with a LO who wakes at the tiniest noise, led to a lot of nights where I ended up just staring at the ceiling in total frustration and exhaustion. We are all sleeping a bit better now, and hopefully in another month or two I'll be able to move back into bed with DH, at least for part of the night.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

He only sleeps in the other room when he has a really early shift at work the next day. When I go back to work I'll be sleeping in the guest room the night before my shift (I work on his days off). I have to be at work by 6AM and rested enough so that I can think clearly and not seriously hurt a patient.


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## treehuggermama (Jan 3, 2007)

We just sort of go with the flow...Some nights it is dh, dd, ds2 and I in the king, others it is dh and dd in her room in her full size. Other nights it is all 5 of us in the king (ds 1 is the best sleeper of all so that itsn't often). We do whatever gets us the most amount of sleep. And I have to say it was pretty sweet to wake up the other morning to dd holding the baby's hand and talking to him as they were both awake before we were


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

We do. In fact I had just moved back in when dd2 was two and a couple of months later I had to move back out as I was surprised to find I was pg. with dd3 (I snore when I'm pg).


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## cherimoya (Mar 23, 2008)

When dh is on the night shift (3 months at a time) he sleeps in the spare bedroom in the warm waveless-water bed (so he's got it good, no worries!). Our main bedroom is over the living room/kitchen area so he would hear everything we did in the morning and during the day. The spare bedroom is over the garage and he tells us that he hears nothing and gets good sleep. He sleeps with me on the weekends though; I LOVE Saturday nights!!!


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## caenach (Jun 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khanni* 
We sleep separately, and I will say that we have had separate rooms since before our first child was born. We both just sleep better--we have different body temperatures, sleep habits, hours for waking/sleeping. We still love each other, and obviously, it hasn't stopped us from making babies!









:

We've slept separately now for a few years. DH sleeps much better in his own space since we have very different sleep schedules and he has a hard time going to sleep. I didn't get it at first, because I can sleep anywhere very easily, but once I realized it didn't really cause there to be less intimacy or less sex, it was fine with me. It's definitely nice now that we have a grumbling, grunting, thrashing, incessant bf-ing 5 week old.


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## BostonianBaby (Feb 25, 2007)

DH sleeps in our bedroom with the dog (LOL) and I sleep in DS's room with him. We tried all sleeping together, but DS is a really light sleeper and DH is a fidgeter/snorer. After the 1st few months it just didn't work. Plus now DH is in vet school and is up studying until v. late, so it's better if he can just crash in his own space and keep his own hours.

The reason DS and I aren't in the master bedroom is that the bed is pretty high off the ground and he's cruising around now. We have a teeny tiny bedroom and a teeny tiny house, so there would literally be nowhere to put the frame if we took it off. Hopefully once he's mastered getting in and out of bed we can reclaim the "big bed."









DH and I are both totally fine with this arrangement and it hasn't affected our relationship negatively at all (DH is actually really open with other people about it, which I find funny). I'm in a more agreeable mood b/c I'm not constantly being woken by DS, who was woken by daddy's tossing and turning. And DH doesn't feel pressured by my shushing him all the time.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

We do whatever works best for everyone on any given night.

When our daughter was an infant I slept many nights in the nursery. When she was a toddler, I moved her into the "big" bed and Dh moved to the nursery many nights.

Some nights we all sleep in the big bed, but DD is a very active sleeper and we end getting kicked a lot.

Now that she's a preschooler she sleeps in her own bed most nights. She has no trouble falling asleep, or putting herself back to sleep if she wakes up in the night.

Right now she's getting over a cold and an ear infection, so she's back in the big bed with me and DH is in her room.

I have often wished for a third bed, for me alone! When DH is snoring and DD is asleep in the little bed, I wish there was one more bed for me to crawl into.....lol


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## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

Ds JUST started sleeping in his own bedroom (his idea). Because I'm nursing the baby and dh doesn't hear her when she wakes up, dh goes to ds when he wakes at night and crawls in bed with him. Which is a lot. Every hour some nights.







Poor dh is really suffering.


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## hipmummy (May 25, 2007)

Stinks, but we are going into our third year of sep. rooms Dh refuses to sleep in the room nevermind the bed with us. The first year he slept on the couch and the second year we got a second be. I really hope the next time around he gives it a fair try.


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## Cindy-Lou (Mar 7, 2007)

I co-slept with DS in his room. DH was afraid of rolling onto him when he was an infant so he slept in our room. Now I lie down with DS until he falls asleep and he sleeps through the night. If he happens to wake up, DH goes in and sleeps with him. We're expecting #2 any day now and I plan to co-sleep but I'm not sure where yet.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

I also did a LOT of cosleeping w/ds in his own room, dh got our bed. It was just easier not to get awakened when he had to get up for work, we could sleep and snuggle till 9 or 10am, which really helped me to get a bit of extra rest. Ahhh, those were the days!









Now it's easier, and actually I found from about 16 mos or so, ds liked to sleep on his own a lot, not all the time, but sometimes he would get touched out, and not be able to sleep if we coslept.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

StrawberryFields: Can you get a little futon or something for ds in your own room? Just a bed on the floor of your room could do wonders for his sleeping (and your dh's!).


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## MadameXCupcake (Dec 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khanni* 
We sleep separately, and I will say that we have had separate rooms since before our first child was born. We both just sleep better--we have different body temperatures, sleep habits, hours for waking/sleeping. We still love each other, and obviously, it hasn't stopped us from making babies!

The first night he slept over at my house before we were married we had a talk,.. 'I dont like sleeping with people touching me" He completely agreed and was excited because he hates when girls cuddle all night! It was perfect match. We have a master suite with a sitting area we want to find a nice day bed for the sitting area that my husband can sleep on at night.

And to the OP we do sometimes, My husband goes and sleeps on the couch a lot we have big leather couches so he doesn't mind.







He ends up out there a lot of nights whether my daughter is co sleeping or not. We just hate sleeping together, if you we could have cuddle time then our own beds it would be wonderful.

Someone asked about co sleeping on Y!Answers and I said that 'if your husband if afraid to sleep with the baby he could sleep somewhere else till babe is bigger thats what we do.] Well everyone thought it was nuts and someone even started a whole question on it and 'Don't you think their marriage would fail?' Everyone was like 'I could never do that to my husband'







:


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## sleepybear1 (Aug 17, 2008)

Confession - dh has been sleeping in separate room since 11/07 when we stopped holding dd in our arms as she slept. dd doesn't sleep well. I'm not really sure when we'll be in the same room again. Up side - happy, dh who has slept well - MUCH more willing to be happy daddy & helpful husband.


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## annie_noah (Jun 13, 2005)

Most nights DH sleeps with DS and I sleep with DD. Sometimes we switch and sometimes DS sleeps alone and DH, DD and I sleep together. Sometimes DH sleeps alone and I sleep with DD and DS. It is musical beds in our house!


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

My dh sleeps on the couch and is not happy about it. He has slept in a seperate room ever since I was pregnant in 05.









BUT. We only have a queen sized bed. We've tried sleeping all together and it's really cramped, especially since ds usually ends up sideways at some point during the night. On top of that, DH snores like a bear. He has a sleep apnea machine that was given to us that helps with snoring, but it is uncomfortable for him and often time he will take off the mask while sleeping, which in turn wakes me up, then I attempt to wake him up and tell him(repeatedly) to put his mask back on.








: So, he has been sleeping on the couch, ds starts out in his bed, then when he wakes up, comes to my bed and I go to sleep then too.

I'm ok with this arrangement, but I know dh isn't really and I can't blame him. I'm hoping that somehow we can get a king-sized bed when we move in december so at least we won't be so cramped, and then find a way to keep that darn mask on his face at night.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama*pisces* 
My dh sleeps on the couch and is not happy about it. He has slept in a seperate room ever since I was pregnant in 05.









BUT. We only have a queen sized bed. We've tried sleeping all together and it's really cramped, especially since ds usually ends up sideways at some point during the night. On top of that, DH snores like a bear. He has a sleep apnea machine that was given to us that helps with snoring, but it is uncomfortable for him and often time he will take off the mask while sleeping, which in turn wakes me up, then I attempt to wake him up and tell him(repeatedly) to put his mask back on.







: So, he has been sleeping on the couch, ds starts out in his bed, then when he wakes up, comes to my bed and I go to sleep then too.

I'm ok with this arrangement, but I know dh isn't really and I can't blame him. I'm hoping that somehow we can get a king-sized bed when we move in december so at least we won't be so cramped, and then find a way to keep that darn mask on his face at night.









I think my wife posted above somewhere. Most nights I don't sleep with her, because I have a rough time going to sleep. But I don't sleep on the couch, I have this futon mattress that I sleep on (even though we have an actual futon...the mattress on the floor is much better). It's very comfortable. If it looks like your DH is going to have to sleep outside your bed for awhile...maybe you guys could look into getting something that he'd be more comfortable on than the couch?


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *plunky* 
I think my wife posted above somewhere. Most nights I don't sleep with her, because I have a rough time going to sleep. But I don't sleep on the couch, I have this futon mattress that I sleep on (even though we have an actual futon...the mattress on the floor is much better). It's very comfortable. If it looks like your DH is going to have to sleep outside your bed for awhile...maybe you guys could look into getting something that he'd be more comfortable on than the couch?

Hmmm.... I've been tossing the idea of a futon around in my head as an option for our next place too, though I had no idea they were that comfortable! That would be easier on our wallets too....thanks for the suggestion!


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

We do and we like it, for the most part. Dh sleeps w/dc #1 (2.5 yo) on a double bed in the dc's room, and I sleep with dc #2 (6 mos) in the queen bed in the bedroom.

We do this because dh snores incredibly loudly. I don't know how dc #1 sleeps through it!

I just wanted to add that this is really not such an unusual arrangement. I read recently that a pretty significant portion of spouse sleep apart. It was maybe 25% or 30%? Anyway, it suprised me just how common it actually is.


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

dh has always worked 3rd shift, so we always have, even on weekends. we managed to conceive 4 children (and many angel babies) with this arrangement.


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## twead (Apr 23, 2007)

dh sleeps in the guest room. he travels ALOT and doesn't sleep well in hotels so he really needs to crash on the weekends. He'd prefer to sleep in the big bed because it is so much comfier. But he is such a light sleeper that he really needs the quiet. Plus even when he's not traveling he wakes so much later and all ds's stuff is in our bedroom. So that means several trips to offer potty or at least a few trips to move the potty/diaper stuff out into the living room. also, ds is a very active sleeper and wakes to nurse alot. It is great for me, cuz he wakes and crawls over to the other boob, after a bit of getting everything in order we both go back to sleep. but it is just too much for dh, he can't go back to sleep. Neither of us really like sleeping apart and I think dh is a bit resentful of it all, but I am not willing to move upstairs with all ds's stuff every night and then back down every day. DH knows it would be a real pain. I'm hoping we can figure something else out.


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## bwylde (Feb 19, 2004)

It wasn't until a few years ago we shared a room since the kids were born as we bought a queen bed. It was too hard to fit all four of us on a double bed, especially since DH is 6'3 and needs lots of room and I'm very overweight. Now we have the two beds right next to each other to make a super bed in our bedroom so we can all sleep in the same room! It was so nice to finally all be together


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## mcp1998 (Oct 16, 2008)

We do the same thing. I'm glad to see so many responses because I don't mention this to most people because they wouldn't understand. My DH sleeps in the master bedroom, me and DS in the nursery. We put a twin bed in there for me to lay down to nurse and I take DS in bed with me at 5 am. This works for us. Everyone gets sleep. People say that the husband should have to experience the "pain" of nighttime parenting as well...why? So that we are BOTH tired the next day? DH works very hard all day. At least I can catch some ZZ's in the afternoon by napping with baby. He can't. He'll sleep with DS on the weekend sometimes to catch up on bonding, and that's good. Also, I need my husband to be 100% on the weekend, so that I can get a break to nap, work out, whatever. We still love each other and agree that it is working for us. If you both like the situation, there is no problem. Good luck! (BTW, DS is 6 months old. We're hoping to be in same bed sometime in the next 2 months....too optimistic?!)


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## svmaine (Dec 29, 2006)

Ever since my 1st DS was born over 6 years ago we've played musical beds







. We love sleeping and cuddling in the same bed but the queen size can get a bit crowded and with me nursing again my DH often will fall asleep on the couch in the living room and either stay there, go to crash with the other 2 boys in their bed or head to one of the guest bedrooms(where I join him sometimes







). Luckily we've got some options and while I am looking forward to nights when it's just the two of us I'm also enjoying the cuddling with my boys while I still can














.

It is nice to see though how many other families are doing the same, we're not freaks







:!!


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## puddle (Aug 30, 2007)

DH sleeps in the master bedroom, DD and I sleep on the floor in the nursery. We used to all share a bed, but when DD started getting too loud, I would bring her in another room. I quickly realized that we all slept much better that way, so now it's most of the time. Sometimes on the weekends we all sleep together.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

DH sleeps on with DD downstairs and I sleep with the other in the master bedroom.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

This was our plan from before our child was even conceived! I read _The Family Bed_ and was all excited about it, and EnviroDaddy said it sounded like a great thing for the baby and very convenient for breastfeeding, but he was concerned about (a) getting enough sleep himself, because he already found it a little disruptive to have me in bed with him, and I'm a fairly quiet sleeper, and (b) having a comfortable place for sex. We decided to get ourselves a new bed and put the old full-size bed in the "guest room that will be the nursery someday". During pregnancy, we arranged for our moms each to stay with us for a while after the birth, and we agreed that both of us would sleep with baby at that stage, while mom would be in our room. At first, I needed lots of help during the night--changing diapers, tucking blankets around me while I sat up to nurse, bringing me food and water while baby slept on me--so it was important to have EnviroDaddy right there. Once the nights became calmer, around 1 month, EnviroDaddy moved back to the master bedroom.

It's been really great having our kid sleep in HIS room instead of OUR room because we can hang out in our room--for all sorts of activities--while he's sleeping without disturbing him; we still have our own space.

The only downside is that EnviroDaddy got used to sleeping alone and enjoyed it. When we reached the stage where the toddler could be left alone all night much of the time, I wanted to move back to sleeping with EnviroDaddy, but I felt unwelcome or at least uninvited. We talked about it, and things are better now, but it's still not fully resolved. EnviroKid (now almost 4 years old) still needs one of us to stay with him until he falls asleep, and if he wakes in the night he wants someone with him immediately, so a lot of the time I feel it's easier just to sleep in his room.







But someday he's going to kick me out!


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