# I can't do this



## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

A friend of DH's and his wife are expecting their first child and she is going into the hospital for induction Tuesday evening. DH said (I think without even thinking) "Let's go into the hospital on Wednesday to see her and the new baby." It was all I could do to keep from shouting, "I DON'T WANT TO!!!!" I know that he didn't think about what he was asking me to do.

As much as I adore babies I just cannot do this. I don't want DH to have to go by himself but I am not strong enough to walk back into the same hospital and I'm definitely not strong enough to walk into the postpartum unit w/all the new moms and crying babies. I know his friend and his wife will understand but I just feel so rude by not acknowledging their new joy. The fact is, my arms are empty and they will have something I don't. I just can't do it.


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## MamaFern (Dec 13, 2003)

i dont know what to say, except its okay to feel that way.. and that im sorry for your loss.. i didnt want to read and not say anything.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Its OK!









I don`t think you need to explain anything to anyone. You have every right to feel this way right now. Going back to the same hospital is a lot to face. You can acknowledge their baby another way, I`m sure they have some compassion about the fact that you are grieving. Its been 3 years for me and although I can see newborns in the hospital now, I still would probably never go back to the same hospital we were in and to this day I won`t attend baby showers. Grief is hard enough, its OK to want to protect yourself.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Thank you for empathizing w/what I was feeling. I've been trying to reason w/myself hoping I would be okay to go to the hospital, but it's just too much right now.

I would like to send a card to them at least but I always try to buy a gift as well for the new baby. They're having a boy, but there's no way I can shop for an outfit. I can barely shop for fall clothes for Ross b/c the boys section is always right next to the baby section.


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

I have not lost a baby in the same way that you have, but I can COMPLETELY understand why you feel the way you do. I think it is normal and healthy that you are allowing yourself to grieve your loss. I bet the other family understands too.







for you.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Maybe you can buy them a blanket online so that you can at least shop in privacy. I don't think I could do it in your shoes either.

-Angela


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

I was going to suggest sending a card, maybe with a Target giftcard or something inside.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoosierDiaperinMama*
As much as I adore babies I just cannot do this.

Of course you can't.







My neighbors just had a baby a couple weeks ago, and frankly I can't even look at him. Its been almost 6 months and I'm still too raw for that. You need to concentrate on you right now. People who love you will understand and the rest don't matter.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

You don't even need to explain yourself.

I still can't look at or hold babies, anywhere from newborn to about 10 months really bothers me. On the occasion when I am around someone with a baby in that age group, I sort of acknowledge the baby and then pretend that they are not there. Right now that is what I need to do to survive, and that is really what it's all about, surviving.
Going to a hospital maternity ward is also completely out of the question... just the thought of it gives me the heeby jeebies.

So if you can't send a card or a gift, don't, it's not worth torturing yourself over it. And if people don't get it, that is tough luck on their part.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Like the pp said. Take care of yourself. If they care about you, they'll understand what you're going through and if they don't, it doesn't matter. Send a gift or card acknowledging their new addition and then visit when you feel you can.


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

My bf father died about 8 years ago and she has not gone into that hospital since - and she won't. What you are asking of yourself is alot and if you don't think you can do it then don't. Obviously your friends will understand.

My 2 sisters were pg with me and it's been a mixed blessing. They live 1 1/2 hours away so luckily they are in different hospitals. One has had her son and the other is due in Dec. For both of them it's their first and as their older sister I want to be there for them and have done what I could. I couldn't be there for the delivery but did go to the hospital -- it was REALLY hard. I only did this because they're my sisters and they came down pg to be with me for Finn's labor/delivery. I understand others not wanting to be around babies but for me, I love to hold my nephew. It does remind me of what I'm missing, but I never forget that. Usually when I leave I have a crying bout, but when I'm there, holding him makes me happy. My body wants to hold a baby.
I'm sorry to go on.
Be gentle with yourself.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

We all totally understand and I'm sure they will too. You can send a gift when you're ready or just a card. Shopping online and having it shipped right to them might make it easier. Take your time.

I know the feeling though. I'm an L&d and postpartum nurse on the unit where Griffin was born. I will be medically cleared to return to work the first week in November, but told dh I can't do it before the holidays. I probably won't return until January, but even then I'm not sure how I'll do it.










Patti


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Thanks everyone for reading and responding.







s

I talked to DH about it last night and he felt so bad for even suggesting it. I just told him it was okay if he wanted to go but that I would sit this one out.

egoldber-I am the same way. Looking at a baby just hurts so bad. I snapped some pictures of Ross on Saturday and I went to the place where I get my pictures developed and one of the people that works there was due around the same time I was. Well, she had her baby and had brought him into the store to show everyone. I practically ran out of the store w/my pictures.









DH is a firefighter and they made a run to a house the other night on back pain. He just told me about this last night. It turns out it was a woman who had just had a baby a few days before and DH couldn't do it.







For him to not help someone and just walk away is huge. He always acts like a tough man on the job b/c he's seen so much and nothing bothers him anymore. The other guys understood though and just let him do what he needed to do.

Needless to say we spent a long time talking last night.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Patti Ann*
I know the feeling though. I'm an L&d and postpartum nurse on the unit where Griffin was born. I will be medically cleared to return to work the first week in November, but told dh I can't do it before the holidays. I probably won't return until January, but even then I'm not sure how I'll do it.

Oh Patti.














s I'm sure you love your job and love what you do but I can totally understand how you're feeling.







s Take your time. Your coworkers will do everything they can to protect you when you decide to go back.

My mom is dealing w/this as well b/c she is an RN in surgery and recovery. The other nurses she works with have been very protective of her. They don't let her recover any c-sections. They don't say a word. They just jump up and do it.


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## gabry (Jan 21, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss, and I just wanted to add another voice to say that it's okay not to want to deal with other people's babies/pregnancies. I haven't experienced anything even close to what you and a lot of the other mommas here have gone through, and I feel like I don't want anything to do with or hear or see about anything related to pregnancy and babies, and frankly, I expect people to understand. If they don't, tough luck, like one of the pp said.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear Sweet hoosierdiaperinmama,
One thing I encourage all mamas who have lost a baby is to claim your rights as a grieving mother. You have the right to isolate yourself for a while. You have the right to turn down invitations and not answer the phone. You have the right to take care of and nurture your broken heart and aching soul. You have the right to change your mind, at the last minute if you need to. You have the right to honor your angel the way you see fit without anybody else's interference or criticism. When people would tell my husband I was being weird or morbid his response was "Let's see how you react after having lost a child." I took me a full 9 to 12 months before I felt comfortable socializing. It took me almost 2 years before I could look at a pregnant woman and not feel intense envy. It took me almost 2 years before I could smile at a newborn. Be kind to yourself. And don't feel guilty for being kind to yourself. Those who choose to judge you have not been there. Those who choose to love you, will always be there for you.
Gossamer


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Gossamer,

Well said! Thank you for putting it out there like that.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

s Amy.

ITA with what Gossamer has said. I can not say it any better.
I am glad you & Dh had a close talk. That helps I am sure.
I hope you are finding peace today.
Hugs & Love, Cristina


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

That is probably the wisest advice I have received, gossamer. Thank you.







s


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

Well said, gossamer.

hoosierdiaperinmama,







and peace to you.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Gossamer, I couldnt have said it any better.

I dont think you should have to do anything until you are ready.

Go easy on yourself mama


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