# Struggling with consequences for child being rough with dog



## bartleby

My daughter is 5 1/2. We got a new dog recently (a month ago), and he is great, but of course needs some training/attention. My daughter loves dogs and all animals, but she is often too rough with the dog in spite of: 1) me coming up with guidelines for what is okay and what is not; 2) explaining that some of what she does could hurt the dog (e.g., pushing him, slapping him on the back); 3) coming up with a list of things she can do for him that are caring and kind, then acknowledging when she does those things (thanking her, commenting on how much the dog likes those things).

Still, she yells at the dog, corrects him even if he isn't doing anything wrong, and is sometimes rough with him physically. I have told her a zillion times that even though he is generally mellow, any dog could bite.

We don't do time-outs here, nor do we take away activities or things for undesirable behavior, but I have to admit I'm considering more punitive measures out of total frustration! She was not this way with our old dog, who died last year. In general, her behavior lately has been REALLY challenging, and the dog unfortunately is bearing the brunt of it.

So, the short of it is...What is a consequence for unkind treatment of the family pet? Or, for hitting or hurting me? (Also something that has been happening when she's upset.) I try: "You can't be around the dog/me if you are going to hurt." But, she gets so physical in these moments (kicking, flailing, hitting) that it is difficult to remove myself or to remove her from a situation.

Advice? I need all the help I can get. I'm in tears daily.


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## mizzoh

I can relate. The problem is, the only logical consequence is, as you say, that child and dog are seperated, which my son usually doesn't care about and only ends up hurting the dog in the end since it means he has to go outside or in his crate. we've had our dog for a year and a half and we're still dealing with this issue.

I recently showed ds ( 4.5) the sarah maclahlan spca video. it shows sad animal faces and sad music but no scary pictures, and i discussed with ds how some people abuse animals and hurt them. i told him police arrest people for animal abuse and they go to jail. i explained to him that this is why we have to be gentle with the dog. it really made an impression on him and he's been much better since ( ETA - i did this all very gently of course - i didn't call ds an abuser or anything)


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## lairaja

We're dealing with this one too. My almost 3 yo DS continues to hit the dog and 2 cats, as well as pull tails and ears. Natural consequences (cat scratches, very soft dog nips) have only seemed to excite him and egg him on. And if we correct him, he laughs and says "it's funny!"
Last night DP and I both had a time-in with him to calmly talk about how pets are part of our family, and we want to show them we love them. Then we played doggie and kitty cat for a few minutes, with me modeling how to show pets love by petting and scratching him the way they would like it. We followed that with a short practice session with each of our pets (and his 6 mo sister, for good measure) of giving loving touches.
It felt like it was sinking in, and making it a game or activity that we did together seemed an added incentive. I'm planning a practice session every night, until I see a positive change. Otherwise I'm seriously considering foster care with relatives for our poor pets!
I'm subbing, too, though, because I hope I can get more ideas here!


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## NiteNicole

IMO, a three year old is still working on empathy and impulse control, I would expect a 5.5 year old to be further along on that. At 3, being rough with the dog is probably more about not having the impulse control NOT to, getting over excited, discovering cause and effect (and lacking the empathy to think hey, the dog yelps when I hit him because it HURTS and that's sad). At 5.5, I think a child should be past that.

For whatever reason, OP, your 5.5 has just decided it's ok to be mean to the dog. I don't know if she has some bad feeling she's working through or what, but she should be able to control herself so for me, this crosses over from being impulsive to being willfully...kinda mean. I'm ok with not doing time outs or punishing, but there should be consequences and one of those needs to be that she just can't touch the dog. She needs to leave the dog alone. She and the dog should not be alone together. For whatever reason she is DECIDING to be mean to the dog (which is apart from a 3 year old being impulsive) and that's not ok. When the dog finally snaps, it is going to be really unfair that the dog will be the one who is punished.

Is it possible to rehome the dog? Maybe now is just not a good time for pets.


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## Latte Mama

I with NiteNicole on this one. I think 5 1/2 is old enough to know not to hit a dog or mom for that matter! Sounds like a bit of a power struggle going on.


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## mizzoh

it is possible your ds is experiencing a bit of sibling rivalry, and that is why she is rough? i do remember my ds acting out in many ways shortly after we got the dog ( he was 3 at the time)


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## mamamille

we do seperation. Everytime she is physically rough with our new dog whether mean in spirit or not, it get s counted, and at 3 she doesn't get to be in our space anymore. When we first got the dog, there was a time during the afternoon that my dd seemed like she couldn't "help" it, like she had some pent up stuff going on, and I just would put the dog into her kennel. Since we never use her kennel as a punishment, it was good to reinforce that the dog could just be with us, but protect her as well. My dd def bosses her around but as long as she isn't hurtful, I feel like the dog needs to know that dd is above her in the pack.


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