# Trouble Dealing with Teenage Girl Materialism



## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

My 16 year old DD is constantly asking for stuff, expensive stuff. Right now she wants (doesn't need) a pair of UGGs. I told her that she needed to look at some less expensive brands. This did not make her happy. Recently my sister gave my 10 year DD a pair of her old EMU boots. I had nothing to do with my sister choosing to give which DD the hand me downs. When teenage DD found out that 10 year old DD got the hand me down EMU boots she threw a tantrum. She screamed at me and told her younger sister, "I hate you!" I got mad and called teenage DD selfish and a materialistic brat. Not a better parenting moment for me. I don't want to buy teenage DD any boots now. I don't understand where this materialism came from. Maybe it's age but I am sick of hearing but all my friends have . . . . suggestions???


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

She should try getting a job. Having to work for spending money helps put things in perspective. Once she starts seeing that pair of Uggs by hours of work as opposed to spending mom's money, she will probably mellow out.

Some kids just go through that stage. We've known kids from wealthy and poor families like this. We've seen kids from heavy spenders and from frugal families do this too. Sometimes it's just a reaction to some insecurity in their lives. Maybe she's inferior at school and not having the right boots seems an easy thing to blame. Basically, if this isn't how you've raised her then don't beat yourself up. We don't have control over everything.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

She could probably get a job during the holiday season. She has done some babysitting but she hasn't had time for any regular employment because of her school and sports schedule. She makes straight 'A's, takes gifted and AP classes, is treasurer of the student government association, french club, beta club, she lettered and made both varsity and the state team in cross country. She also has a very active social life and other parents refer to her as nice and popular. She doesn't date anyone seriously but did have a date to Homecoming. All of her activities cost a lot of money. Three of my other kids are not like teenage DD when it comes to money and stuff but my 7 year old is always asking to buy, buy, buy. The day after I had my not do awesome parenting moment and called her a selfish she completely changed her tune. Not sure how long it will last but at least for now the demanding $$$ has slowed way down.


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## grethel (Mar 14, 2009)

Wow, your dd sounds like she's doing great. If my dd was excelling at all of the activities yours is, I'd probably buy her the boots. 

Just kidding, kind of. But I do get where you're coming from. My almost 16 yo usually makes enough of her own money to buy the things she wants, but generally speaking, it's very tough for teenagers in most areas to find jobs anymore. For one, their school and extracurricular load is so heavy, and for two, lots of places don't hire teens like they used to. My dd makes her money selling her art online, but she would also like a part-time brick and mortar job and we haven't been able to find anything. Most places in our area that used to be typical teen jobs (movie theater, fast food, retail) are now staffed by adults. Almost none of my dd's peers have jobs, even though some would like them. Even babysitting around here is not always so available, as there are plenty of moms and childcare professionals looking for extra work and they often get the jump on the teens.

When my dd wants something that she can't afford, we usually work out a system where she does extra work at home to pay for them. It's not totally ideal (I'm paying her for work i could do myself for free, like washing windows), but at least she sees how many hours of work go into a pair of $100 boots.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Are you saying it's unreasonable for your child to earn money? My 16-year-old old senior has worked all 4 years of high school. She's getting A's in her high school and multiple college classes. She has to put in a 70 hour internship every semester. She is in 3 different theatre companies one of which is a professional company. This can take 20+ hours outside of school for long blocks of time. She has leadership positions in two of these groups. She organizes the talent show at her school. She's social. Has a long-term boyfriend. She also works as a teacher's aide in a youth theatre 4 hours a week during the school year and full-time during breaks. She pays for her own entertainment and impulse buys.

If you don't feel it's appropriate for your daughter to work during the school year that is fine but lots and lots of busy high-achievers work to pay for their own movies, dates and boots that they can't live without.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *whatsnextmom*
> 
> Are you saying it's unreasonable for your child to earn money?


No, I was just trying to provide more information about her because I doubted that her motives are due to insecurity at school. They might be, but I doubt it.









Quote:



> Originally Posted by *whatsnextmom*
> Sometimes it's just a reaction to some insecurity in their lives. Maybe she's inferior at school and not having the right boots seems an easy thing to blame.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I'd give her a choice: cut back on some of the extracurriculars and get a job to pay for the boots, or stop bugging me about them.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pattimomma*
> 
> Maybe it's age but I am sick of hearing but all my friends have . . . . suggestions???


its the age. its the stage. she wants to fit in. thus she reacted so strongly to her sister getting the boots (woah though are the shoe sizes of 10 and 16 the same?

can you not afford to buy her the boots? you dont have to buy her every whim and fancy, but cant you get her a few things.

i dont find her requests unreasonable unless you cannot afford it. yes she is in many activities that cost money. but that is no reason to not buy her a few things.

i admit its really hard to draw the line. but you have to really sit back and assess. is she truly materialistic or just a teen wanting some stuff. i know it was a tough time for my parents. my father esp. thought fulfilling any requests was spoiling the child. materialistic and refused to buy a boom box for my brother. he felt an anicent old player should suffice. wrong.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> 
> woah though are the shoe sizes of 10 and 16 the same? Yes, they wear the same size.
> 
> can you not afford to buy her the boots? We can't afford it. Two of my kid have special needs and we can't even cover all their medical expenses or therapy. That's why I asked her to look at less expensive brands.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I can remember wanting the name brand things my friends had. I hope one day when my daughter wants the same, I hope I can be sympathetic. IMO, the wants are not the problem, it's the delivery. I think I'd have a "I know you want things you can't have and you think everyone else has them. You are entitled to your feelings but you can not treat everyone that way" kind of talk. I'm preparing myself because we already live in an area where kindergarteners have Hunter and Ugg boots and everyone goes to Disney twice a year and every kid is in a million activities. We just can't do that.

I don't believe in really burdening kids with money issues, but I think it's fine to say - this is what your activities cost. This is what we have spent on prom dresses, homecoming whatever, sports, and activities. It is easy for them to not think about those things when they've been doing them forever. Those things are expensive. Shoes and uniforms and all the time it takes to get them to practice...it's a LOT.

I also think it's ok to start weeding out the activities, but that's just me.

My mom always had a kind of set amount she was willing to pay for, for example, jeans. Anything more than that and I had to babysit to earn the money. It worked out and I took very good care of the things I bought.

As for your seven year old, my daughter thinks she wants everything she sees but she rarely fixates on any one thing for long. Cutting down on her tv and shopping trips help tremendously. You can't want what you don't know about.

ETA - I wandered here from the home page, I don't have a teenager yet.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

There is some article or video going around facebook about the atrocities done to animals in order to make Uggs. So you could show your dd that and she probably wouldn't want them anymore. They'll probably go out of fashion fast if it circulates among her friends... Or, at least, your dd will have a good rebuttal if anyone mocks her for wearing knock-offs.

http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/advisor/uggs-uggly-reputation-214515845.html


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *A&A*
> 
> I'd give her a choice: cut back on some of the extracurriculars and get a job to pay for the boots, or stop bugging me about them.


Exactly.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Another option that I've done with my son over the years is help him find ways to get what he wants in other ways than buying them new. Looking at thrift stores, on Craigslist and ebay, etc. I'll look for coupon codes at retailmenot if I am buying new... He knows we can't just buy what we want but he knows I'll help him get what he wants in a way that we can afford if it's possible. I'll put the item on his wishlist if I can't find it cheap somewhere. Not too many relatives give him gifts but sometimes the ones that do want an idea.

This has gotten my ds to think about whether the money is worth it and he'll prioritize what he wants. Sometimes he'll see something that looks cool but if I show him the actual item in the store, he'll realize it isn't as nice as it seemed online or from afar. He's naturally discerning (AKA picky) which helps.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NiteNicole*
> 
> I can remember wanting the name brand things my friends had. I hope one day when my daughter wants the same, I hope I can be sympathetic. IMO, the wants are not the problem, it's the delivery. I think I'd have a "I know you want things you can't have and you think everyone else has them. You are entitled to your feelings but you can not treat everyone that way" kind of talk. I'm preparing myself because we already live in an area where kindergarteners have Hunter and Ugg boots and everyone goes to Disney twice a year and every kid is in a million activities. We just can't do that.
> 
> ...


I agree.

I would have had my older girls had to cut some activities when they got "real" jobs at 16 and I'll do the same with my now 14 year old. They stayed with the one or two activities they really enjoyed, but I never wanted them over scheduled, so they never were over burdened with too many activities. One of my 14 year old's friends is failing two subjects due to too many sporting activities. The school just instituted a grade level to stay in school activities, but this child and some others are involved in out of school sports, which the school has no control over.

As for working outside the home, I think it's a great thing for teens. Where we live I see plenty of teens working retail and other jobs. In fact many of the places choose teens over adults because they are less likely to need time off for child care etc.

I always "worked." From baby sitting from the age of 11 (started earlier than that, realized at about 11 that I could charge for it) I wrote an advice column in our town newspaper from the age of 13 until 16 or so, and then worked retail or child care through college. I grew up in a working class neighborhood and ALL the kids had jobs. I remember being kinda gobsmacked when I went to an exclusive Jesuit University attended by a lot of rich kids and met 18, 19, even 22 year olds who had never worked a day in their lives. It totally amazed me. One of my room mates used to call her mom to "put some money in my checking account, K?" I nearly fell of my chair.

Activities are OK, and can be fun, but I think working outside the home as a teen really gives teens an idea of how the real world works. Like someone else says, when she realizes how many hours (after taxes) the pair of Uggs cost, it's a real lesson in reality she won't get any other way. Plus, working now she can start putting away some money to help with college.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I really agree with the idea of her getting a job to pay for the boots. I don't know how you handle achievements in your family, but it sounds like she's a hard worker at school and activities. I pay my girls a little bit for grades, or for trying hard. When my youngest was struggling with math last year I rewarded her for working hard with her tutor, just as I rewarded my older one for getting straight A's. They don't try hard for the money, but that's their job right now and if they do it well they can get rewarded.

BUT, I won't just go out and buy them something just because they ask, beg, cry. My nearly 13 year old wants a video game device and I am not going to buy it for her. She had some tears and moping for a couple days and then got over it. She is a great artist and I encouraged her to sell some of her paintings on Etsy to earn some spending money.

When I was 12 I started a house/pet sitting business. When I was 14 I worked part time summers at a car wash and I babysat and had my pet/house sitting business still. At 16 I worked fast food in the summers. I worked very hard for what I had, and I understand peer pressure with clothes. But I also feel that kids need to understand the value of hard work and money.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NiteNicole*
> 
> I can remember wanting the name brand things my friends had. I hope one day when my daughter wants the same, I hope I can be sympathetic. IMO, the wants are not the problem, it's the delivery. I think I'd have a "I know you want things you can't have and you think everyone else has them. You are entitled to your feelings but you can not treat everyone that way" kind of talk. I'm preparing myself because we already live in an area where kindergarteners have Hunter and Ugg boots and everyone goes to Disney twice a year and every kid is in a million activities. We just can't do that.
> 
> ...


I do this with my 13 year old. He LOVES sneakers. I will pay a set amount, anything above that he pays for.

There's lots of things your dd could do to make her own money, even though she sounds crazy busy  My ds tutors, babysits and in the summer he umpires baseball. I can't figure out how mine doesn't get exhausted doing everything he does, but he just keeps going. Sports 5 days, straight As and 2 jobs. At 13 I was still playing Barbies 

My mom would never buy the Guess jeans or the cool Nikes. I kind of still resent her, not because I didn't get them but because she didn't see the value in what I felt was important to me. We had the money growing up, but she would have bought me 4 of something I didn't want and wouldn't use, in order not to buy me the one thing I truly wanted. I'm not saying you're doing that, but be sure that you are being sympathetic to being a teenage girl. Sometimes the stuff matters for a lot more than the reasons you can see. Even though it seems like she's being a brat, she's still trying to find her place


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamalisa*
> 
> I do this with my 13 year old. He LOVES sneakers. I will pay a set amount, anything above that he pays for.
> 
> ...


I can relate to your last two paragraphs. We did not have a lot of extra money when I was a kid but my mom just would. Not. Buy. the things I hoped to have. She would spend more or the same on something similar but it was a control issue with her. I had a long list of examples but that's petty so moving on...

There were times my brain knew my mouth was getting me in trouble, but my heart wasn't full of entitlement, it was full of frustration. It's hard to want what everyone else has. Obviously we all hope to raise our kids with different values, but my inner mouthy teenager gets it.


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## AuntNi (Feb 26, 2003)

Great points here. My DD is 11, but I've always been bothered by her materialism. She wants all.the.things, period. We live in a small house in a nice school district, ie lots of the girls had Uggs in elementary school. I tell DD that yes, Friend A has Uggs, Friend B has Lululemon leggings, Friend C goes to Disney every year, and Friend D takes unlimited dance and music classes. But not every friend has every status symbol, because every family gets to choose how to spend their money. But choices have to be made, and we can't afford all.the.things. I told DD I won't buy her expensive brands while she's growing. So she saved all last year to buy her own Uggs, and all this summer to buy Lululemon leggings. I'm fine with that, because it's her money and her choice. Right now, she gets a generous allowance so she can learn to make smart choices.

We also try to cultivate gratitude, so I'm hoping she will grow out of the materialism at some point.


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## abezerra (Nov 23, 2013)

Sounds like your daughter is doing very well!! I agree with other parents about perhaps allowing her to get a job. Since she excels in school and extra-curricular activities, I think a good way to reward her for her hard work would be to meet her half way. Have her get a job, earn half the money for the boots, and you match the other half. Explain your concerns to her about her becoming a materialistic person, and why it is a "bad" thing to be materialistic/ what other things are of more importance... But also explain to her that you love her and trust her judgment. Explain that your change of heart towards the boots was because you realized she is a very bright student and that you would like for her to continue excelling in her academics, etc. As a parent it is important to make your children feel appreciated, trusted, and rewarded for the good things that they do--not just focus on how she is being a "materialistic brat" at the moment. Positive reinforcement!

This is all just a phase. Teenagers experience a lot of peer pressure and they feel a need to fit-in in order to feel self-confident. Do all her friends wear UGGs? I remember wanting a pair of UGGs when I was a freshman in college. I worked for them and bought them myself. I still have those UGGs, and I'm not at all a materialistic person! At least she is asking you for a pair of boots that will last her a while, and which can probably be handed down to your younger daughter in a few years!


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## KayleeZoo (Apr 8, 2003)

Thanks for this post. I've struggled with the same issue with my 13.5yo. She was never interested in brand named anything until middle school. And then it got







. What I've learned is that peer pressure and social relationships are VERY different for teen girls than teen boys. My DD has always been extremely self-confident and a leader. Middle school and the complex relationship girls have with each other starting at that time really changes things. I used to think homeschool was the answer, but I've since realized that learning how to navigate those relationships and learning about yourself as a person and figuring out who you are is truly a life lesson that can't really be learned the same way if you're not in the middle of those situations. My DD attends a charter school where some kids come from very wealthy families and others from very poor ones. We're in the middle. However, we have 4 kids and one income- so I've been frank with her about what it costs for our family of 6 to live, vs what some of her friends' parents have with 2 incomes and 2 kids. Sometimes it really is as simple as kids needing one item to "fit it" to give them the confidence boost they need when they are feeling emotionally vulnerable. It's silly, and I am not saying that we should support mindless materialism, but I can remember the same thing happening when I was in middle and high school- back then it was acid-wash Guess jean jackets







. I think if you continue to teach good values at home, keep the communication open with teens and talk to them about *why* they feel that they need XYZ brand, and show them that you are trying to assist them to the best of your abilities, the whole issue can abate pretty quickly and relatively painlessly for everyone involved.

DD also does competitive club cheerleading, which is obscenely expensive, especially with out of state travel to competitions (mandatory). She is a very good student, and like USAmma, we do reward our kids for doing well in school- or for doing their very best to make good grades. Does she have UGGs? Yes. I bought them half off at 6pm.com when they had a sale this summer. They are the 3rd pair of UGGs that I have bought her (this child's feet grow like nobody's business), BUT she does know how much more those boots cost than "regular" ones and she gets less of a shoe allowance than her siblings. So she has UGGs and 1 pair of Converse and that's it. I also talk about her expensive her sport is and that if she wants name brand clothing (Hollister), she has to be satisfied with what I buy on deep sale because cheer costs us $200+/month. Once I showed her the numbers, and how much DH makes and what that $ has to pay for, she became a lot less demanding and much more sensitive to our families need as a whole. While she is too young for an outside-of-the-house job, she does babysitting for me and jobs around the house for money and is free to spend that money on the things she wants. Often, she'll buy her 10yo sister or 8yo brother something that they want but don't have the money for, on her own, with no input from me or DH. She told me once that she appreciates how I try to make sure she has the "right" stuff, and she wants her sister and brother to have the things they want, too.


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## jade in tn (Dec 3, 2007)

My daughter wanted those UGG boots too. We just got her a pair of knockoffs for less than half the price. I actually googled knock off uggs and was led to a few stores. I'll spring for some of her name brand wants but not all of them. I figure it's just a phase and she"ll grow out of it. I did.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Has she looked at Bearpaw boots? I really like the wool lining vs the synthetic plush. It's much more comfortable and doesn't get stinky like the synthetic - something about the wool having antibacterial properties. I have bought my kids and myself some Bearpaws and I'm pretty happy with them. They're more in the $40-50 range instead of $200.

My dds get an allowance. They also do a little pet-sitting and make a little money from that. If they wanted something like Uggs I would expect them to at least pay part of it. It's a really good opportunity for learning about budgeting and finances.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Patti, I've got nothing to add but wanted to chime in to say what a great selection or replies are here. I feel like my idea of how to address this issue when it comes up for us has been broadened. Thanks, thoughtful mamas!!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

this thread has been popping up in my thoughts off and on - as if i did not give the right reply.










i realized why. because really this is not about omg my child is so materialistic. i think we are overthinking it.

it really is another stage. just like the 'i want ____' at the grocery store when they were 3.

i think the answer isnt so much about materialism. i think its more about facing teenagehood and its life head on along with puberty issues and trying to figure out what to do. just like when you are let loose in your favourite store after a long time of not being there, you run helter skelter wanting everything. but then you calm down and really assess the issue.

what is REALLY important here - is this is not about our children (yeah i have one at this stage too, while she is not wanting brand items, she is obsessed with some people she is following and wants their stuff, but still there is a want) it is more about US.

as my dd heads towards her teen years, i realize - GOL-LY!!! this whole darn parenting thing is more about ME than about my dd.

how WE handle the situation. it does not matter what action you take regarding the boots. whether you buy them or not, whether you get knock offs or not. the KEY is how you react and how YOU handle the situation. HOW you communicate your situation with your child. my dd right now is v. emotionally fragile and i find i tend to buy her the stuff than not IF i can. even though sometimes she is a pill - i see it as a test to see if i still love her. i sit and explain how i would like to but i dont have that extra money or really does she need another __ when she has so many. however in a way its simple for us coz there isnt another sibling who is getting the exact thing she desired.

you could go and buy the boots - but that doesnt mean your dd will be over the moon. its how its HANDLED that's important. it is so much more about - 'holy cow, i dont know what's happening to me. i am turning sometimes into this person i dont know. does my mother still love me through all of this. life is so unfair. i want all these things and i cant get them.' so sometimes not buying the boots could be a better solution depending on how you handled yourself.

i was a horrible, horrible, horrible teen. i totally made up stories in my head about my parents relationship towards me and so as revenge to punish them i turned into this nasty girl who wanted things. and i demanded them and if i didnt get them i'd turn even more nasty. i basically bullied my parents during my teen years and got most of the things. does not mean i am materialistic today - even though i got everything. no it means every morning i thank my parents for being there for me when i was the worst. i am so ashamed of who i was then and i have such deep regrets. and i am so blown away by how firmly but lovingly my parents handled this horrible person they had to live with. but the gift of my regrets was that its making me understand my dd better now coz honestly i am so lost parenting a teen. i try to handle my dd from a place of compassion not frustration.

so to sum up what i am saying is - wanting uggs is just like wanting candy or everything in the grocery store when they were 3. if you came from a frustrated place it made it worse. but if you found a solution from a calm and collected place they were happy even if it meant they didnt get what they wanted.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Well it's been almost 4 weeks since my original post and guess what . . . DD doesn't want UGGS anymore! Good thing I didn't buy them! I had suspected it would go that way as it's happened before with other things she's wanted (ended up a big waste of money). Now she wants all new running gear. Since she lettered and made varsity in cross country this year I can justify spending the money on something she both needs, wants, and promotes participation in sports. I dropped a cool $260







on new running shoes, super feet, two pairs of running tights and a headband for her for Christmas. She picked them out and I wrapped them up.

My issue was more with her being mean to her younger sister over "stuff". It's that jealous over "stuff" thing that killed me.


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## KayleeZoo (Apr 8, 2003)

Sounds like it ended up being a great thing all the way around, Mama. That's awesome 

And you got a steal for $260, lol. I'm a runner and I'm very impressed at all that you managed to get out of $260!!


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Meemee you are absolutely right. If my mom had been like "oh man those blue seude Nike's with the golden yellow swoosh are amazing, I sure wish we could get them" I would have been way more understanding than I was when she said "no, that's a waste of money".


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KayleeZoo*
> 
> Sounds like it ended up being a great thing all the way around, Mama. That's awesome
> 
> And you got a steal for $260, lol. I'm a runner and I'm very impressed at all that you managed to get out of $260!!


Christmas Sale on Asics!


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