# Toddler at funeral? Please advise! (long)



## zoedeansmom (Jun 21, 2007)

My husband's grandfather just died and DH wants our almost-3-year old to attend the wake and the funeral. I am willing to compromise by taking her to the wake but keeping her from the casket but really don't want her at the funeral. They are Catholic and we are athiest so, for one, I'm not really ready to explain "this is what God means" etc, and 2. I don't want her viewing the body, as it will be open-casket. Plus, she's a very aware child, very empathetic and seems to internalize the emotions of those around her, particularly close family. I feel it would be hard for her to see her dad and grandparents so upset. In my experience, the wake is usually a bit more casual, not a lot of tears, more just visiting and paying one's respects but the funeral is a bit more intense. Children are expected to sit quietly during the service, like church, but we don't attend church so I'm not sure how Z would do. DH doesn't think she'll be so affected and thinks I exaggerate her sensitivities but I think I'm just more aware of them since I stay home with her. He also thinks it will help relatives on a difficult day to see a happy young child but I don't think it's up to my DD to cheer up other people. He thinks she will be expected to be there and we may be judged for not bringing her but I think, as her parents, our ultimate job is to protect her and advocate for her needs, regardless of what others think. I guess overall, I just think we should error on the side of caution and leave her with my mom for the day. Maybe she would be fine if we went, but why risk it? I suspect my husband wants to follow his family's traditions, which is to bring children to these things. There are other small children in the family and I'm sure they will all be there. I'm not so inclined to give in to what I see as "peer pressure" because every child/family is different and responds differently to different scenarios. We need to decide soon and it's hard because DH is understandably emotional right now and I don't want to further upset him or cause problems between us and his parents or something. But I think my first priority should be DD. (We also have a baby but I have no problem with her going to either or both events since she will be unaware of what's going on and is much more mellow anyway.) What have others done in this situation? Am I worrying over nothing? Is this worth fighting for? And, if we take DD, how to we explain everything? Our only conversations with death have been about a dried up worm on the sidewalk. I told her the worm's body didn't work anymore and would turn to dirt to nourish other living things. But seeing great-grandpa (whom she's visited several times and remembers and likes) would surely bring up many more questions! Help!


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## Love_My_Bubba (Jul 4, 2006)

My DS is just 3 months younger than your DD (and regardless of what any family members thought) my answer would be NO WAY!!!

We are Catholic so the religion thing wouldn't be an issue for us but I could never imagine expecting a 3 year old to be able to show the restraint necessary for an occasion such as a Catholic funeral.

I may just have a wild child and other people may have toddlers capable of handling this but even the thought of trying to do something like this with my DS completely fills me with dread







.

I'm so sorry that you're having to make a decision like this, let us know how it works out.


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## Teensy (Feb 22, 2002)

I think taking her to the wake but not the funeral seems like a fine solution - that's what we did when my grandfather died.

You might remind DH that if DD is with a sitter, he'll be better able to comfort his parent (whoever lost their father) if he isn't distracted by entertaining a bored toddler.

I do plan to take my DD to my FIL's funeral when the time comes, but each child and situation is different.


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## Ellie'sMom (Aug 10, 2002)

Hi Christina. I just spotted this in New Posts, and wanted to pop in to offer my condolences and tell you that I think the compromise about the wake sounds really reasonable. Maybe you could frame it this way: The chances of family being stressed out by a (potentially) disruptive 3 year old in church outweigh the chances that her presence during the service would cheer anyone up. Does that make sense? I think the wake is the place for her to be subjected to some cheek pinching and sloppy kisses.

B&G go to Quaker meeting on a pretty regular basis and they have a hard time if they have to be quiet in that environment for more than 10 minutes. I also agree that Z is too young to have to take on the emotional baggage that accompanies a funeral. Honestly, I would give Ellie, at 6.5 years old, a choice in that situation and would have no problem with her staying home.

If you do take her talk lots ahead of time about what to expect, why the grownups may be sad, etc.

Good luck!


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## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

I just saw this in new posts too and wanted to add that I agree with your plan. My husband's aunt died Friday and the funeral and visitation were both Sunday. I didn't take any of my children. My two oldest watched their baby brother and I went back to the house after the funeral while my husband went to the burial. There were two toddlers at the service and all their parents did was chase them. I respect and understand your hesitation on letting her see the body and explaining religion (same reasons I wouldn't want my older two at a funeral too) but that aside, she's 3 years old and will not want to sit still. I have been to a Catholic funeral - lovely service - but LONG. I think you would be chasing her, up and down and would miss the service. But yes, if you do take her, Ellie'sMom's suggestion about explaining what she might see and why the grown ups are sad is an excellent one.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

My Grandmother died when my son was 3 years old, and I was really worred about taking him to the funeral. We talked a ton about it, about what happened to her, etc. Dh came with me in case he needed to take ds outside, and it actually worked out well. The funeral home had a little playroom for children with toys, it also had speakers with volume control so dh could hear the service while ds played. That was perfect, and I was able to comfort my Dad, cry, and speak at the funeral without worrying about a bored 3 year old.

I also must say that I do think attending the funeral was a good thing for ds. He had been with me when we rushed over to the hospital, only to find my Grandmother on life support and very, very ill. I hated that ds saw her like that .. but he understood she was very sick and died. And seeing her in the casket while explaining where she went (we do believe in God, and heaven) was healing for him. From time to time he still talks about Grandmom (his name for her) and how he will see her again in Heaven some day.

I know you will have your own spin on this whole topic due to your beliefs, but I do think attending part of the funeral was helpful for my son. You might want to ask the funeral home if they have a room for children. You could sit in there with ds and still. hear the service.


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## StarMom2 (Apr 29, 2008)

My husband's grandmother died recently. We have a 1yr old girl a very active 2yr old boy. I was also most concerned about the funeral because I knew I would not be able to make my son sit still without a lot of screaming on his part. Also, my husband was in the service and I did not want him to have to worry about watching children during the funeral. We all went to the wake and that went fairly well. It was actually very sweet because DS was very interested in Grandma Del and was respectful and sweet when he went up to her. We explained that she was sleeping forever and he touched her. He went over to her several times - the last time he wanted to give her a kiss on the forehead. Children that young are not as afraid of death as we are, and it was nice for my husband to see his son saying goodbye as well. I took the kids to the park during the funeral and then met up with my husband again for the reception. I thought it was a good way to do things. My concern was more about being respectful for everyone else than the emotion for the kids. But, I believe it is good for children to understand life and death at an early age and saw the opportunity to teach them in a safe and loving setting.


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

In our family, this is how we meet up with relatives. honestly. I met all my aunts and uncles, great-greats, cousins, you name it, going to funerals. Children always attend these. I took dd to one this summer (her step-grandmother) and although she was only 14 months old, and I had to remove ourselves a couple of times due to restlessness, we stayed the whole day. She was vaguely interested in the casket, etc., but not wholly so. A recent funeral I went to involved a special children's tour, in which the kiddos got to go behind the curtain with the funeral director, ask questions, check for shoes, find out things, touch the body, etc. (all the things that put off the older age group). I think it's very important to socialize kids in the death ritual--as they get older they understand more and more, and ask more and more, and show much more empathy, but this is a great opportunity to both model for your child how people grieve, and learn how cultures handle death. In my experience parents are always surprised at how well children do handle it compared to older people. I say go for it, you never know when you'll have another opportunity before the child loses the first friend or someone really close or a pet, etc.


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## greenmagick (Jun 6, 2006)

We've gone to a several wakes w/ dd, but I dont think I would do a formal funeral. DD is also very perceptive, and empathetic. I think it would really upset her.....though, I guess if it were my grandma that died, I probably would take her hmmm, sorry not much help here. Ultimately, you have to do what you are comfortable with. Could you maybe compromise by having your mom come with you guys to the funeral, and then she could take your dd outside or to a playroom during the ceremony? Thats what SIL and I did at DH's aunt funeral. It was a tiny (like fit maybe 40 people) church and there was just no way she was going to sit still, and the casket was *right* there.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

I think you should take her.

When I was a very young my maternal grandfather got sick, went into the hospital then died. The hospital had a very strict no children may visit rule, and the funeral was very small and only my mom went (not me, my sisiter or our dad.) To me it just seemed like GP disappeared, and it was very confusing.

Around the same time my paternal Grandmother was also sick. We visited her in the more relaxed hospital regularly. When she passed we attended the funneral and burial. Though I didn't fully comprehend exactly what was going on I wasn't confused the same way.

Being allowed to visit GM and attend her funeral helped me to understand that there was a change happening. With GP it just seemed like people were keeping me from him and I couldn't understand why. Death is an inevitable part of living and embracing the passage is less scary than people just disappearing.

Most of the funerals I've attended have been catholic. The services are generally focused on remembering the loved one and comforting the grieving. They are not aimed at converting the attendees.


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## mama2004 (Nov 14, 2007)

I don't know if this will help, but my dh's grandfather just died, also. His funeral was last Saturday and there was family stuff going on all day. My ds is 18 months old, so not nearly as aware of things as your dd and I wasn't terribly concerned about the emotional impact on ds, but I thought it was appropriate for us to be there for dh and his family.
It was a Catholic service, and neither dh nor I attend any kind of church, so we went to great grandma's house early to meet with other family members and we all went together to the service, but ds and I went to the park--we didn't even bother trying to sit through the service. I just didn't think it would be appropriate to try to make him sit through an hour and a half, so we played. Then we went to meet everyone else at the lunch that was held afterward, spent some time with family, and got our boy tucked back into his carseat for a long overdue nap.
I guess that I felt it was appropriate for us to be there, as long as we were doing things that were appropriate for ds. If you really feel more comfortable having your dd stay with someone else for that day, it seems perfectly reasonable.
I hope you are able to make a decision that is comfortable for you and your family, and I am sorry to hear of the loss of a loved one.


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## zoedeansmom (Jun 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Most of the funerals I've attended have been catholic. The services are generally focused on remembering the loved one and comforting the grieving. They are not aimed at converting the attendees.

Just wanted to clarify my position a bit. I'm not at all afraid of her being "converted" and we don't plan to hide any beliefs from her. Rather, we hope to expose her to lots of beliefs so she can make her own choice one day. I know the day is coming, and maybe needs to come, that she is exposed to religion so we can begin that conversation. I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to it! So, I guess I was just hoping to put off the "Who is God?" question a bit longer. Although, she may not even be paying enough attention to pick up on names/words she hasn't heard before. Kids tend to ask the tough questions when we least expect it, right?
 






So this may be a moot point of mine, but thanks for the input.

Thank you all so much! I love getting so many well-thought out responses from people who have been there and understand my mixed feelings. You've given me a lot to think about and I may even change my position. I definitely feel more prepared to discuss this with DH. Wish me luck!


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## cdahlgrd (Sep 4, 2002)

I would find out if they have a crying room at the church, or perhaps your mom could go too, so when your child got tired, she would have a place to go/someone to care for her.

My brother died a few months ago, and our twins we at the funeral. Honestly, only 1 of them left the service, the other one sat quietly . . . something he NEVER does. it was a relief to have his head to kiss when I was so sad. And my kids all seemed to understand why I was sad, and that it was going to be OK.

I feel that people come to grips with their mortality much better, when they see it young. Even viewing a dead body. If you hide death/illness/mortality then people tend to imagine that it is MUCH scarier than it actually is. But that has been my experience.


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

I took my 3 yo dd to my grandmothers funeral just a few months ago. She had just turned three. She did awesome. We don't go to church, and we haven't spoken to her about religion yet. It was a catholic funeral and she was so great. She actually sat with my sister, since I was to get up and do a reading. She didn't talk at all. Everyone was really amazed at how quiet she was. We talked about death a little bit and explained that we were there to say goodbye to great grandma. She didn't understand, but having her there did make a difference. The funeral was closed casket, so we didn't have to worry about her seeing grandma's body. But I would have taken her even if it were open casket. I don't think that death is something to hide from children. They may not fully comprehend it, but it is a normal part of life, and they should learn to see it as that. As far as worrying about her seeing you and your dh and family all sad and upset, well, I just feel that is another totally normal thing for them to see and learn about.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Both of mine attended my grandmother's (Russian Orthodox) funeral at 2 & 4. Their Dad had an issue with their going, but they were both close to her. They attended the main service with us, then I had Dad take them out just before they closed the casket (one chose to come with to pay respects, the other chose not to). They walked with us between the Church and the cemetery, and then Dad took them to light candles for their great-grandma in a small chapel while we had the graveside service.

My older one remembers it, with fondness. My younger, not so much, although she remembers her great-grandma.

It doesn't have to be traumatic - treat it as a normal part of life.


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## zoedeansmom (Jun 21, 2007)

Thank you all for your help! My DH and I talked it over and I mentioned several bits of advice from y'all, which really helped me realize what my real fears and concerns were. To a large part, I think I was projecting my own discomfort with death, emotions, and even church, onto my LO. PPers made a good point that, if we want our children to be comfortable with death as a natural part of life, we need to treat it in an open way. We decided to follow family custom and take both kids to the whole thing, with the option of taking Zoe out of the room whenever appropriate. DH assures me his family sees children at funerals as normal, and, more importantly, views children acting like children as normal! So, he's pleased to have his whole family with him in this difficult time, and I feel comfortable having the "backup plan" of the kids' room and/or playground any time we need it. I've stressed to DH that he should focus on what he needs to do for himself and his parents at this time and let me wrangle the kiddos. Thanks to all!


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## Bay Area Babe (May 15, 2006)

Sounds like a great plan. We just took my 2yo to my grandmother's and he ran around a little bit so I just took him out and took him to the cry room and had them pump in the service.


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## zoedeansmom (Jun 21, 2007)

Wanted to thank you all again for the input. You helped me reconsider my first impulse in this decision and to have a much more honest and productive discussion with my DH at this emotional time. Everything yesterday and today was lovely, DD had perfect behavior! She didn't ask any questions, just seemed to take it all in, and we followed her lead as to viewing the body and participating in other aspects. She never got upset or seemed uncomfortable, just listened carefully to our explanations. I'm really happy DH got to have us all there to support him and that DD experienced death in a loving way. Thanks again!


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