# i'm so mad at my dh



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

ok, he didn't actually DO anything. he has been incredibly supportive ever since i called him at work to tell him there was no heartbeat. he stayed with me in the hospital, cried over our dead son and held me up when i quite literally couldn't stand on my own.

our marriage has improved tenfold; it's actually better than ever. i feel such tender feelings for him that i never have before and i know he feels the same. it's quite different now that i WANT to do his laundry and WANT to have dinner waiting for him. those little kindnesses that he doesn't even ask for.

so how can i explain why i am mad? it's come on gradually but now i'm just fuming. i'm not angry that he's grieving differently. he's a man and i don't expect him to cry the way i do.

to put it simply, i feel like he doesn't love me enough. last night, i was rubbing his arm in bed, just thinking how close i felt to him. i guess my expectation wsa that he would kiss me... or something. but he just laid there and fell asleep. he has suffered the worst insomnia since Matthew died and it's only recently that he can actually sleep a little better. so why should i be mad?

i was so hurt and so i moved far away from him in bed and it switched into anger. i decided that i would hurt him back. i took off my wedding ring and threw it into the closet. how childish is that! he was sleeping and had no idea i did it but still.

just little things like this that... we were watching survivor the other night with the kids and he had his arm around me, holding my hand. but it suddenly occurred to me that if he really loved me, he would be focusing on ME, not the tv.

what the heck is wrong with me? why am i so insecure? it sounds so stupid when i write it down. he is a GREAT husband. yes, he does keep his emotions to himself a lot but he's always been that way.

i don't want this to be the typical wife angry at her husband because he's not grieving the way he's "supposed" to. i don't even think that's it!

is it simply because i'm so devastated by losing my baby that i'm expecting my dh to fill up this hole... and he can't, it's not possible. i don't know.

the worst part is i'm already thinking terrible, hurtful things. like when we're out today, if he calls me, i waon't answer my cell phone. that will SHOW him, right? or i will refuse to sleep next to him tonight, and when he asks what's wrong, i will say nothing and roll over.

please help me before i destroy my marriage! it's never been this good and i'm about to ruin it all.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry. I think it's typical to be feeling angry and direct towards those you feel the most secure in. But that doesn't make it any easier.








I think the fact that you are aware of it is good. Could you make yourself sit down and talk w/him about it-explain it to him just as you have here?


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Misdirected blame and anger. I did this, too, with my DH, after William died. Even though he was amazing, and just being his usual supportive self. He did stuff I could have just slaughtered him for. He lit a candle the night William died and I was SO MAD. I didn't want a stupid candle. I wanted my baby! He went and picked up William's ashes and said, "I'm glad he's home now." and I was SOOOO mad. My baby wasn't home. My baby was dead, ash and bone in a plastic bag. Then later, as those tender feelings you're talking about started to turn... just the little things started to bother me again. And the anger and rage would just flare up out of nowhere. Like the time he picked up chicken on the way home and I asked specifically for an order of fries, but they didn't give them to him. I said, "Why didn't you check the bag to see if they were in there before you drove away?" I just was SO MAD. I was shaking. Literally. Over fries? Yeah, right... I don't think so. I might as well have just said, "Why didn't you make me go to the hospital to get a non-stress test!?" Ya know? It's just misdirected stuff...

And for women, it's always about being loved, or loved enough. And at this point, could anyone love us enough? Would any love make it all okay again? I think that's part of what I found myself looking for... and as angry as I got at him, I would PANIC if I didn't hear from him or didn't know where he was! And I hated going places alone, without him, for a long time.

It's a strange journey, Christie. Just know that it's normal. I hate it, but it is. The "new normal" in this world just sucks.







:


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
Misdirected blame and anger. I did this, too, with my DH, after William died. Even though he was amazing, and just being his usual supportive self. He did stuff I could have just slaughtered him for. He lit a candle the night William died and I was SO MAD. I didn't want a stupid candle. I wanted my baby! He went and picked up William's ashes and said, "I'm glad he's home now." and I was SOOOO mad. My baby wasn't home. My baby was dead, ash and bone in a plastic bag. Then later, as those tender feelings you're talking about started to turn... just the little things started to bother me again. And the anger and rage would just flare up out of nowhere. Like the time he picked up chicken on the way home and I asked specifically for an order of fries, but they didn't give them to him. I said, "Why didn't you check the bag to see if they were in there before you drove away?" I just was SO MAD. I was shaking. Literally. Over fries? Yeah, right... I don't think so. I might as well have just said, "Why didn't you make me go to the hospital to get a non-stress test!?" Ya know? It's just misdirected stuff...

And for women, it's always about being loved, or loved enough. And at this point, could anyone love us enough? Would any love make it all okay again? I think that's part of what I found myself looking for... and as angry as I got at him, I would PANIC if I didn't hear from him or didn't know where he was! And I hated going places alone, without him, for a long time.

It's a strange journey, Christie. Just know that it's normal. I hate it, but it is. *The "new normal" in this world just sucks.*







:









so so true

I'm sorry Dawn that you have had to experience this too. You are exactly right in everything you said.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Amy, thanks. I KNOW that I should sit down and tell him this. I have tried. He will ALWAYS listen and hold my hand and nod encouragingly and all that stuff. But it somehow makes me madder because I feel like his understanding of what I'm saying isn't DEEP enough. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
The poor guy can't win with me right now.

Dawn, yes, yes and YES!!!!!! I really needed to hear that it wsa normal. It's almost laughable that I actually think I'm unique, you know? I'm responding to grief in a way that no one ever has, oh, I'm actually almost laughing it's so stupid.

BUT, I have so many buts... but after Matthew died, I took so much comfort in my dh. I thought to myself, well, at LEAST our marriage is so great, at least I have a great husband. That wsa my COMFORT! It felt FAIR, that there was some fairness after all in this universe.

Will it get better though? Do the tender feelings come back if I ignore these angry feelings, if I don't act on them?

I knew what to do a week or two ago. All I had to do was act on my emotions with him but now my emotions are BAD.

I just want to know that this part will go away.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Yes it will most likely go away and the tenderness will return. It just takes time. I have had to sit down and talk w/my husband for the same reason. And you're right..it does make the anger worse sometimes. But then I had to "talk to myself" too. I had to write out my angry thoughts and/or share them w/a friend of mine who had been down the same road. Also I had to tell myself that I wasn't really mad at him and acknowledge the real reason for my anger. Also it very well may come and go so be prepared for that. So yes it is normal but oh so difficult. I hope you can work through it and find your way back to a better place w/him.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
BUT, I have so many buts... but after Matthew died, I took so much comfort in my dh. I thought to myself, well, at LEAST our marriage is so great, at least I have a great husband. That wsa my COMFORT! It felt FAIR, that there was some fairness after all in this universe.

Will it get better though? Do the tender feelings come back if I ignore these angry feelings, if I don't act on them?

I knew what to do a week or two ago. All I had to do was act on my emotions with him but now my emotions are BAD.

I just want to know that this part will go away.

Yeah, I know. I felt closer to DH in the first few weeks after William died than I ever had before. Although I was still panicked the universe might take THAT away, too... I don't think that initial feeling comes back in the same way. It sort of happens in the bubble of your immediate grief, and as time passes, the feeling loses some of its color. It's like it goes from red to pink... it's still there, but just not as bright. But brighter than it was before, I think...

You can try not to act on your feelings. GL with that one. I suck at that.







But my dh has a tendency to know when I'm mad at him, really, or just taking it out on him and he'll usually call me on it, which is good. Every relationship is different.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Oh Christie









I am so sorry this is happening to you. Like Dawn said, though, it is SOOOOO normal. Grief is a wild animal, and it makes us act like beasts sometimes...it's hard to understand but the human spirit does what it can to survive. Maybe that means taking your anger out on someone you KNOW loves you and will not leave you.

I experienced this misdirected rage in two ways. First, last year my husband nearly died from a brain injury, and was in a coma for months, and then in ICU recovering for MORE months. When he finally came home, you'd think that I would be so in love, so grateful, so so so kind...but I was livid. Enraged doesn't even begin to explain how I felt. I hated him with a visceral hatred that I didn't even know existed on this planet. As bad as this sounds...I wanted him to DIE for what hell he put me through. (All the while thanking God he was alive...talk about confusing!







) And it's not even like I believed it was his fault...he had an ACCIDENT! But it didn't matter what I thought consciously, because the rage was coming from a deeper gut level.

I processed my rage in therapy, with friends, and yes, even with my husband. As it turns out, my rage was not with HIM per se, but again, at the injustice in the world. And, as you expressed, I was also enraged that he couldn't UNDERSTAND my pain...my hurt. Yes, he went through his own experience, that I can't understand, but I was just SO mad that he couldn't somehow magically validate MY experience.

I'm sure that, although you and your husband are both grieving Matthew, you have had different experiences of that loss and of your grief. I wonder if you are feeling like YOUR particular experience of loss hasn't been validated (can't be validated? because it's your own personal experience?)

I also went through similar rage towards my husband following our loss. He just wanted to "get through it" and I literally felt like I was falling apart, and once again, I was SO MAD. It was so unfair.









I am so sorry. What you are going through is normal. My experience is that the rage DOES pass, and it helps if you can identify what the rage is really about...and then process that with your husband, so at least he can begin to understand where you are coming from.








,
Claire


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Oh Christie (((hugs)))
I've felt very much like this at times. And then I feel so guilty, because he IS trying his best, and he HAS been wonderful.
When he falls asleep next to me on the couch all the time I feel my face turning red and the steam coming from my ears. I've felt anger over the fact that he can just fall asleep... _so easily,_ and I'm stuck tourmenting myself with everything running through my head. So then I grab the laptop and come online to check blogs/this forum and he'll wake up and I ignore him








I don't mean to be a b&^%$. Like you, I've felt overly affectionate towards him, and sometimes he doesn't catch on either (how, I don't know - I often think he STILL wouldn't get it even if I danced naked around him....lol) It must be a guy thing.
I often feared myself and my ability to control my anger, and just hoped that I could find it in myself to not destroy my life and relationships.
And yes...... I've slept on the couch, feeling very hurt and alone because of being overly sensitive to everything.
Did the phone thing too. Although I eventually caved and answered it.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
(how, I don't know - I often think he STILL wouldn't get it even if I danced naked around him....lol) It must be a guy thing.

It is. It really, really is.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
Misdirected blame and anger. I did this, too, with my DH, after William died.











I had so much anger after our baby died, and a lot of it was directed towards DH. He was AMAZING to me through the whole thing, and still is to this day! In fact, he grieved just as hard as I did, maybe even more at certain points... but I don't know how to explain it... he just couldn't win with me some days. This went on for a year! I've only really felt back to normal (well, the new normal for me, rather than 100% pissed at the world and bitter and all of that) for the past few months. Anyway, I'm honestly surprised that I didn't chase the poor guy off!

I feel selfish now, looking back... he was so crushed by losing our baby and grieved right along with me, and I certainly didn't make things easy on him







My expectations were all over the place and sometimes DH met them, sometimes he fell short, in my mind anyway. It made me crazy! I couldn't control it though, my pain and bitterness and all the other emotions were just so overwhelming.

The bright side- we went through hell and back! Now we're stronger than ever as a couple! I think we can get through anything now.








s to you. Be patient with yourself. Time heals.


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## kt52484 (Jun 26, 2009)

I am glad that you posted this today. I have been having the same feelings since I lost David three weeks ago. Chris has been wonderful and grieving in his own way but even though he is here for me, I can't help but feel like he just doesn't get it. I go from 'fine' to crying to mad in a heartbeat. I am usually really laid back and not like this and it is driving me crazy that I am like this now. I feel for my husband but it is hard to stop the way I feel. I feel like you and I are both ahead of the game because we recognize what is happening and I feel like that is the reason that it won't ruin our marriages. I had a friend tell me that I underestimate Chris...that he can handle what we are going through and I think it is true and I am sure it is true with your husband. We will be okay...I will be thinking about you and your family.

Katie, mommy to angel (12/23/08) at 8 weeks and angel David (6/23/09) at 17 weeks.


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## rumi79 (Aug 31, 2008)

am not just mad, I hate him.. to the point that I don't even want to hurt him, or look at him, or talk to him.
He hasn't been great with me. No help whatsoever, even made a comment that the house is so dirty and he's tired living like that.
4 days after I lost my baby he told me enough is enough and that he can't understand why I am still sad and crying.
I could kill him right there if I wasn't so disattached to him. I know he wasn't connected with the baby the way I was, I know he's just a man and may be that's why i don't do anything...
May be someday when I feel stronger I will sit down and tell him how stupid and unsupportive he was. May be... but now I'm going to get some counseling for my sake and in order for my son to get his mommy back.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, Christie.







While I haven't had anger that's been directed towards DH, I've had some huge rage that I didn't know was in me, and it was directed to my MIL, and later on towards the insurance company. It's not *really* them that I'm so upset about - I'm angry with the world, and I'm angry that my baby isn't alive. Thinking of you.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amy&4girls* 







I have had to sit down and talk w/my husband for the same reason. And you're right..it does make the anger worse sometimes. But then I had to "talk to myself" too. I had to write out my angry thoughts and/or share them w/a friend of mine who had been down the same road. Also I had to tell myself that I wasn't really mad at him and acknowledge the real reason for my anger.









i think i will try this three-pronged approach because relying on dh to fix it in one conversation will not work. thanks, amy.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
Yeah, I know. I felt closer to DH in the first few weeks after William died than I ever had before. Although I was still panicked the universe might take THAT away, too... I don't think that initial feeling comes back in the same way. It sort of happens in the bubble of your immediate grief, and as time passes, the feeling loses some of its color. It's like it goes from red to pink... it's still there, but just not as bright. But brighter than it was before, I think...

You can try not to act on your feelings. GL with that one. I suck at that.







But my dh has a tendency to know when I'm mad at him, really, or just taking it out on him and he'll usually call me on it, which is good. Every relationship is different.

my dh can be good about calling me on it too, but only if things aren't tense.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claireb* 
Oh Christie









I am so sorry this is happening to you. Like Dawn said, though, it is SOOOOO normal. Grief is a wild animal, and it makes us act like beasts sometimes...it's hard to understand but the human spirit does what it can to survive. Maybe that means taking your anger out on someone you KNOW loves you and will not leave you.

I experienced this misdirected rage in two ways. First, last year my husband nearly died from a brain injury, and was in a coma for months, and then in ICU recovering for MORE months. When he finally came home, you'd think that I would be so in love, so grateful, so so so kind...but I was livid. Enraged doesn't even begin to explain how I felt. I hated him with a visceral hatred that I didn't even know existed on this planet. As bad as this sounds...I wanted him to DIE for what hell he put me through. (All the while thanking God he was alive...talk about confusing!







) And it's not even like I believed it was his fault...he had an ACCIDENT! But it didn't matter what I thought consciously, because the rage was coming from a deeper gut level.

I processed my rage in therapy, with friends, and yes, even with my husband. As it turns out, my rage was not with HIM per se, but again, at the injustice in the world. And, as you expressed, I was also enraged that he couldn't UNDERSTAND my pain...my hurt. Yes, he went through his own experience, that I can't understand, but I was just SO mad that he couldn't somehow magically validate MY experience.

I'm sure that, although you and your husband are both grieving Matthew, you have had different experiences of that loss and of your grief. I wonder if you are feeling like YOUR particular experience of loss hasn't been validated (can't be validated? because it's your own personal experience?)

I also went through similar rage towards my husband following our loss. He just wanted to "get through it" and I literally felt like I was falling apart, and once again, I was SO MAD. It was so unfair.









I am so sorry. What you are going through is normal. My experience is that the rage DOES pass, and it helps if you can identify what the rage is really about...and then process that with your husband, so at least he can begin to understand where you are coming from.








,
Claire

Claire, well, as "bad" as you say it sounds, why do I feel this relief when I read it? What you went through sounds really intense and I'm so grateful that you shared it so honestly. And I'm going to believe you that the rage does pass. Thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
Oh Christie (((hugs)))
I've felt very much like this at times. And then I feel so guilty, because he IS trying his best, and he HAS been wonderful.
When he falls asleep next to me on the couch all the time I feel my face turning red and the steam coming from my ears. I've felt anger over the fact that he can just fall asleep... _so easily,_ and I'm stuck tourmenting myself with everything running through my head. So then I grab the laptop and come online to check blogs/this forum and he'll wake up and I ignore him








I don't mean to be a b&^%$. Like you, I've felt overly affectionate towards him, and sometimes he doesn't catch on either (how, I don't know - I often think he STILL wouldn't get it even if I danced naked around him....lol) It must be a guy thing.
I often feared myself and my ability to control my anger, and just hoped that I could find it in myself to not destroy my life and relationships.
And yes...... I've slept on the couch, feeling very hurt and alone because of being overly sensitive to everything.
Did the phone thing too. Although I eventually caved and answered it.

I feel like you took the words and more importantly, the exact FEELINGS out of my head and heart. I can't fathom how my dh does not catch on.

I too fear my ability to control my anger!!! I have always been a rather self-centered and touchy partner to dh. Now that I feel these tender feelings toward him slipping away, I'm desperately trying to hold onto them. I've lost so much already, I don't want to lose that connection with husband on top of it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 









The bright side- we went through hell and back! Now we're stronger than ever as a couple! I think we can get through anything now.








s to you. Be patient with yourself. Time heals.

I want to be able to say the same thing too, I really do.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kt52484* 
I am glad that you posted this today. I have been having the same feelings since I lost David three weeks ago. Chris has been wonderful and grieving in his own way but even though he is here for me, I can't help but feel like he just doesn't get it. I go from 'fine' to crying to mad in a heartbeat. I am usually really laid back and not like this and it is driving me crazy that I am like this now. I feel for my husband but it is hard to stop the way I feel. I feel like you and I are both ahead of the game because we recognize what is happening and I feel like that is the reason that it won't ruin our marriages.

Katie, mommy to angel (12/23/08) at 8 weeks and angel David (6/23/09) at 17 weeks.

Katie, I'm sorry you're struggling with this too. Doesn't this suck?







:You can pm me if you ever want to vent or commiserate. You know, sometimes I do feel ahead of the game, like you say. Sometimes I do feel grateful that I'm hyper aware of feelings and emotions and their causes. I just wish that this awareness would help me in knowing how to react. I'll be thinking about you and your family too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rumi79* 














am not just mad, I hate him.. to the point that I don't even want to hurt him, or look at him, or talk to him.
He hasn't been great with me. No help whatsoever, even made a comment that the house is so dirty and he's tired living like that.
4 days after I lost my baby he told me enough is enough and that he can't understand why I am still sad and crying.
I could kill him right there if I wasn't so disattached to him. I know he wasn't connected with the baby the way I was, I know he's just a man and may be that's why i don't do anything...
May be someday when I feel stronger I will sit down and tell him how stupid and unsupportive he was. May be... but now I'm going to get some counseling for my sake and in order for my son to get his mommy back.

oh, mama. i'm so sorry. good for you for having the strength to help yourself and get into counseling. you deserve lots of love and support. (((hugs)))

i came home tonight and had a horribly unsatisfying discussion with dh. didn't help that i woke him out of a dead sleep to have said discussion. gosh, i come read all the wonderful advice here from you ladies and i STILL go muck things up with my dh.

ETA: thanks, Jules. I had this window sitting open for 3 hours while I stormed and sobbed and didn't see your post. (((hugs)))


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

I can relate. I think it is something we all go thru.
The man i am now married to is my second husband. Our first pregnancy and child together was lost at 15 weeks, this January. I came home from the midwifes office and told him that our baby was gone, he held me while we both cried for a while, and then he went out and *roto-tilled the garden!!!* While I understood that it was his way of processing I was simultaneously furious with him for leaving me alone. Now, with the clarity that can only come with added distance from our loss, it seems totaly normal and fine with me that he did that.
I also remember about 2 weeks after I was out of the hospital, I asked him if we could curl up on the couch together with a pizza and watch a few episodes of Coupeling (I think, maybe it was House) anyhow about 40 minutes in I was suddenly mad at HIM that we were curlled up together watching a stupid television show, after all we had just recently burried our first CHILD!!! Nevermind that it was my idea to watch the TV in the first place.








My husband is a good man, we also were brought closer and have gained a deeper understanding of each other and our love, thru loosing Michael. I feel a bit like we lived a too easy fairytale before. Our love is more mature now. We know first hand that rotton things will happen to us, but we also know that we will make it thru.
It does slowly get easier, I promise, but it will never be the same again.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I had so much anger after our baby died, and a lot of it was directed towards DH. He was AMAZING to me through the whole thing, and still is to this day! In fact, he grieved just as hard as I did, maybe even more at certain points... but I don't know how to explain it... he just couldn't win with me some days. This went on for a year! I've only really felt back to normal (well, the new normal for me, rather than 100% pissed at the world and bitter and all of that) for the past few months. Anyway, I'm honestly surprised that I didn't chase the poor guy off!









:

I did this also. It took me a YEAR, yes, a full YEAR before I could start having some semblance of control again. This is completely normal. Once upon a time, people wore mourning for a year and a day after a death, they weren't expected to keep up with life, they were expected to grieve. Nowadays, we're expected to have "moved on" within days or weeks. And it's just not realistic. You are still in a very vulnerable state right now, this is all still so fresh, please be kind to yourself. Seek out support where you can find it, ask your doctor, call hospitals, etc. - I know there are several national support groups, hopefully you can find one near you.

I'm 2 years out, and only fairly recently has DH been able to tell me how difficult that time was for him. Not only having to deal with his own grief, but also having to go back to work AND take care of me... I think I spent the first 3 months in bed (I don't really remember much). But ultimately we got through the worst part, and it made us stronger.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

While I cannot claim to understand and know how you are feeling - because I haven't been there. Have you considered possibly just showing him what you have written here.
I mean - let him see that you feel these feelings and you KNOW they are stupid but you just cannot help it. If nothing else - maybe he will know that you aren't doing these things on purpose or feeling these things really at him and he can make sure that he is more forgiving and pateint with you through this part of grieving.
Just a thought. Either way , Im very sorry mama, grief comes in many strange and awkward ways - I have learned, and osme of them are very ugly


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

2sweet boys, cristeen and Authentic Mother, thank you so much.

I had a long talk with dh tonight when he came home. I tried to explain in detail just how I'm feeling. He says he understands and I'm just going to have to accept that his understanding is limited and he can't get in my head. It's not his fault.

I also made an appt with a therapist for Monday. I didn't want it to come to this but my feelings were just spiraling out of control and scaring both dh and me. I'm looking forward to getting some more tools for dealing with these crazy, illogical thoughts. I KNOW that my dh loves me yet a voice continues to tell me that no, he does not love me at ALL. ugh

And I did ask him what it's like to care for me emotionally, the kids and go to work on top of all of it. I was very careful not to judge his response and I hope he feels better being able to tell me that.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
I also made an appt with a therapist for Monday. I didn't want it to come to this but my feelings were just spiraling out of control and scaring both dh and me. I'm looking forward to getting some more tools for dealing with these crazy, illogical thoughts. I KNOW that my dh loves me yet a voice continues to tell me that no, he does not love me at ALL. ugh

I'm so glad that you're taking steps to help yourself get to a better place emotionally! I thought about getting into therapy A LOT when things were bad, but for some reason just never took that step... I'm sure it would have helped so much.

I hope talking to your DH helped as well!

I'm thinking good thoughts for you. Strength and healing to you as you go through this process!


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