# I want to move closer to family, DH doesn't



## dickybird (Jan 31, 2008)

I'm putting this in Parenting because it seemed like the best place, but feel free to move if there's a better forum.

We have 15-month-old twins. We live in a small town in a rural area, and have no family nearby. I don't know anyone in town anymore that I would consider a close friend, just several acquaintances. Most of our good friends have moved away over the past few years, mainly because there just aren't many jobs around here. I go to a few playgroups locally, but I'm finding that I just don't have that much in common with the other moms that I meet.

My parents recently moved cross-country to be closer to us, although they're still an 8-hour drive or a 2-hour plane flight away. We get along with them great, they're just about everything you could hope grandparents could be, and our kids adore them. My sister and her partner also live in the same city, and we have several good friends there.

I really want to move to the city that they're now living in. Even though we've made it through the first year with twins, we still could really use the help. DH works a lot. For instance, today he's been gone for 13 hours and counting. It's a good day if I get 15 minutes for a shower. Most days I get no break at all. It's wearing thin and I don't feel like I'm the best mom I can be.

DH does not want to move. He's the director of a non-profit organization that he founded, and it's pretty specific to this area. He doesn't think he'd be able to get a job in this same field in the city. He likes it here, for the natural beauty. He has decided that he's moved enough in his life and doesn't ever want to move again. He feels that we've spent too much time and money fixing up our house to leave it.

One part of this that I get hung up on is that in the three years since he started this job, he has never gotten paid. No salary, no benefits, nada. Which, in my opinion, makes it a hobby, not a job. We're doing okay for now, I had a job until I was pregnant with the twins, and we've had some investment income, although with the stock market in the dumps that has dwindled to not much. At any rate, at least one of us needs to start making some money again.

I feel like he's not even willing to consider moving, and that he's putting his own comfort and personal glory above the needs of his kids. When I've talked about it with him, his response is that we should find ways to make things better for me here. Which boils down to, it's my problem, so I can deal with it.

We're at an impasse and I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I am overly optimistic about the benefits of having family around? I just know that my babies are so much happier when my family is around, and I'm not so exhausted and frazzled.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I really should go to bed but I just needed to get this off my chest first. I can't be the only one who's had to deal with these issues.


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## mbbinsc (May 8, 2008)

Just something else to consider...My sister had twins and another when they were 18 months. I was the only family living near so would often help in the evening when her DH was working. Probably why I delayed motherhood as it was busy.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

That does sound hard. I can understand why you would want to move. I think being close to family is a big thing. 8 hours is still pretty far!

But I don't know how to work on compromises like the one you describe - as in, I don't think dh and I have done a very good job at it. We made some choices together early on that sacrificed his finishing school, and he's never gotten over it; he's pretty bitter towards me about it 10 years later. Somehow there needs to be enough in your living situation for both of you. Maybe there can be some kind of discernment period in which you together explore what you improve living in your current area for you, and also what a new position for him might look like in the other place. Really do some exploring, both of you with open minds.

I think that being near family is a crucial factor in where we live, and fortunately both sides of the family are within 2 hours in our case. But it does mean giving up other places that we might like "better" for other reasons. We dislike many things about our city. Staying connected to relatives and having my kids have those relationships is a priority in my life, I guess we've given up other things to have that.

Good luck!


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## Mom2Ian (Feb 7, 2008)

Just wanted to give you a







...that souinds really hard, and I don't know that I could have made it work for as long as you have without help. I would be very frustrated and probably depressed if DH worked that much and I had no family or close friends around and very little break...that's just me though, what each person needs is different. But I can certainly understand why you would feel as you do...

I think this is one of those situations where there probably is no right or easy answer, and it sounds like there is really no good way to compromise - or maybe some other posters would have some ideas about that.

I guess it comes down to what you each value most (and it sounds like there are some differences there). I know for us, we would definitely live somewhere else if we did not have family here (probably another country even). But almost ALL of DS's family is here within a half-hour's drive (including all grandparents) so for us it was worth the trade off to stay and make the best of the situation living in a place that we would not otherwise have picked.

Maybe if you and DH are at an impasse you could try to see a therapist who may be able to work through some of this - it sounds like there are a lot of issue at play for both of you. Just an idea.

Good luck!


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## SimonMom (May 19, 2004)

Well, until I got to the part where he's not bringing in any income, I was going to say that compromise was needed on both parts. However, it really seems unfair that he's working such long hours and not getting paid for it! That's not fair to you. You're basically providing free childcare. He doesn't seem like he's compromising on anything. Is he willing too?


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I could understand him not wanting to move right now or to a particular place, but I don't think it is fair for him to make a unilateral decision that you aren't moving ever again, especially if you are in a town where you are not happy.

I lived in a city where I was unhappy. It sucked. Good luck.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I sympathize with your DH, which is not to say that he's right and you're wrong, but rather that I would hate to leave the house I love and fixed up in my town of such natural beauty to go move to be near, ugh, my in-laws.

But he really lost me on the point that he's spending so many hours on a "hobby." What exactly are his short-term, medium-term and long-term plans? While he's off having fun playing director, who is helping his family, providing child care, putting food on the table, just plain being with and enjoying his family?

I have absolutely zero feelings that the man has to bring home the bacon, understand, but I don't see how he's contributing to his family in ANY way. And I DO believe both partners must contribute to their family (whether raising the children, making a nice home, budgeting and planning for frugality, making money, etc.).

I don't have any advice, but that's just how I see it. He's resisting making any changes, but something's going to have to change (whether you move to your family or not).

Also, OT but I was confused how your family would be 8 hours drive but 2 hours flight? I'm thinking an 8 hour drive would be closer to an hour of flight, but what do I know. It takes 2.5 hours to fly nonstop to my parents, which would take probably 24 hours to drive to (not sure exactly since I've never had enough days off to drive instead of fly).


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

I could have written your post nearly two years ago! Our situation was a little different financially though.

We did have dh's family near us, but they were not of any help and my family was two hours away. Dh up and quit his job when our twins were about 11 mo, this after losing his business. I was only working pt.

Dh and I decided that he should go to truck driving school and become a truck driver which would take him away from us for two months for schooling and after that he would only be home on weekends. I knew I could not handle one year old twins by myself.

I told dh I would need more help w/ him being gone and that I didn't care what he did, but that I was taking the twins and moving back to my hometown where all my family could help me. Our house was already on the market and we were about to lose everything anyway. It was easier for me to lay down this ultimatum because I was sick and tired of his financial irresponsibility.

I don't regret it for one minute and dh has said it's the best decision we've ever made. He balked at first, but to him, it doesn't matter where we live because he's never home that much anyway. It's definitely difficult to have him gone so much but THANK GOD I have my mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, my sister and my brother and numerous family friends to help out.

Being alone for 13 -15 hours a day (or alone for five straight days in my case!) w/ one toddler is hard let alone two the same age. It's my belief that you can't possibly be a good mom unless you have time for yourself, no matter how patient you are and no matter how much you love your kids. And w/ twins, getting alone time means getting help from other people - whether it's your dh or other family or friends you can trust.

I may be super sensitive to financial issues because my dh almost ruined us, but the fact that your dh is working all these hours and doesn't have a salary is ridiculous. At the very least, he needs to get home at a decent time so that you can have a break. If he thinks he can't find a similar career op in a new city, then tell him to create one for himself in that new place. It's not like he'd be losing any money if he's not making any now. Sorry if this seems blunt or offensive, but you're right in there needing to be compromise and he's not doing his part on that.








to you...pm me if you need to talk about what it's like packing a four bedroom house by yourself w/ two 1yos underfoot!


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## lavieenrose (Jun 30, 2005)

It does sound like there are underlying issues for your husband here. Have you two been to counseling? A couple of years ago I went through a period where I felt so stifled by our house, our neighborhood, the whole East Coast thing (I've lived here all my life). Part of my problem, though, was *too much* proximity to family and their interfering in our lives without actually being helpful! My husband also "put his foot down" and refused to even consider moving, which I felt was tremendously disrespectful to me and my feelings. Why couldn't we even talk about it? And who made him the boss of me?









So we went to counseling for a while and worked through some of our issues to reach a compromise. Unfortunately, when the housing market plummeted it removed "selling the house" from the table for now, but I have confidence that we will be able to do so in the next few years, and just knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel helps. We can also talk about it now without either of us getting so defensive, since therapy helped remove some of the emotion from the equation.

If there's any way to do so, talking to a therapist might help both of you get some perspective on your feelings and your needs. Good luck!


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I get the feeling that there is more going on with your DH than "I don't ever want to move again"

The moving issue aside, choosing to work for free, 13+ hours a day when your partner is at home with twin toddlers isn't right. It sounds selfish to me.

I second the counseling recommendation.


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

As I was reading your post, I sided with the idea of staying in place, since moving would involve selling a house, getting a new job, and finding a new place to live, all 8 hours away.

However, when I got to the part of his "job" not paying anything, I didn't know what to think. I believe it's time to figure out exactly what's going on. Somebody is going to need to be bringing in a living wage soon. I know from experience that twins in day care take about one modest income. Is there anyway he can budget a living wage out of the director's position he currently holds? As director, he may be able to determine that it's high time he was compensated for the time he puts in. Without adequate compensation, I'd be hard pressed to be nice about the long hours he works.

If you end up staying in your current location, you could consider hiring help--either help with the kids, like a highschooler after school hours, or someone to help with house hold tasks. If there's no money to hire help, it is just further proof that he can no longer work 12+ hours a day for no compensation.

And a promise to you. Your twins will become more independent, and things will be easier with them. My twins are turning 4 soon, and while I'll never call it easy, it is getting better.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dickybird* 
I feel like he's not even willing to consider moving, and that he's putting his own comfort and personal glory above the needs of his kids.

This is a false statement. He's putting his own needs/wants over your needs/wants. This has nothing to do with your children. You are the one who wants to move.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I have some thoughts but I feel like I'm missing critical information:

When he started the non-profit, what was the plan? For how long you would stay in the area? For income?
When you decided to leave your job, what was the plan? Because I can see that twins changed things but was the plan at that time to stay where you are?

Also:
Is the issue more about help for you with the twins (solveable where you are) or about a lack of a vibrant community for you personally (possibly not solveable where you are)?


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dickybird* 
I really want to move to the city that they're now living in. Even though we've made it through the first year with twins, we still could really use the help. DH works a lot. For instance, today he's been gone for 13 hours and counting. It's a good day if I get 15 minutes for a shower. Most days I get no break at all. It's wearing thin and I don't feel like I'm the best mom I can be.

Oh, Mama, I can definitely sympathize with you. When I was pregnant with my twins I was sure that I could do it all without any help, but one they were born I quickly learned how wrong I had been. Until very recently my mom was coming twice a week to help out for the morning, and the help she offered was invaluable. It was also a wonderful way for my mom and the boys to develop the wonderfully close bond they now enjoy, and I'm so glad that I swallowed my pride and accepted the help that she was willing to offer us.

I'm kind of baffled with husband's situation, does he have any rational explanation for why he works such long and hard hours at a "job' that doesn't compensate him in any way financially? I hate to play pile on here, but it almost sounds to me like he might be in some kind of denial regarding the huge changes to your family since your babies were born. The bottom line is that no longer do either of you have the luxury of following your passions without first making sure that your children are provided for. I would be a lot more sympathetic to him if he was working long hours at a paying job, but that apparently isn't the case for the foreseeable future?

You really need to sit down with him and have a calm, rational discussion with him about your financial situation and why he doesn't want to move. Perhaps you can compromise and move closer to your parents without moving too far away from your current town. Whoever else above mentioned childcare for twins was correct that it can be extremely expensive, I stopped working because it would have eaten up the vast majority of my take home pay (which was actually pretty generous pre-babies.) If your husband's solution is for you to go back to work to fill in the financial gap then he needs to understand that it is likely an unrealistic solution to the problem at hand.

Good luck!


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