# One day at a time******February******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

I, for one, am glad that January is over. I like the title of this thread- one day at a time - because for me, that's so true. And some days it's one hour at a time.








to everyone.

How are you all?


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I haven't been feeling very positive the past couple of days. DH and DS are gone for a week and its hard to be alone at night even though DD is here. I miss Norah so much right now. I also realized that my "pregnancy" symptoms are probably psychosimatic (or however you spell it meaning "in my head"). I want Norah here so much that my nipples burn as if I am breast feeding and my boobs feel heavy as if they are full of milk. But it is not true, they are not any bigger than before. I am just wishing that Norah was here so my body must be reacting to my wishes. Yes, it is insanity. But, I'm allowed to be insane. My little girl died 11 weeks ago.

Feeling very quiet and reflective.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Yes, it is insanity. But, I'm allowed to be insane. My little girl died 11 weeks ago.

You ARE allowed - and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Big, big







to you, mama.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey Girls,

Is this like the HHT thread - but without the "trying again" part? If it is, I'm in. Lemme know please.

I plan to post my "birth story" on the forum in a few days. I'm working on writing it.

Holly


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

One day at a time is the only way I can handle it. Yesterday was ok but I can already feel that today isn't starting off that great. Maybe it's the mornings that are the worst. When you wake up you have to realize that it is over again and then try to carry on.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm actually eating now. Before I was just eating potatoes all day. I'm trying not to soothe myself so much with food.

I hate having mothering feelings but having no baby. I don't mind the fact that I am lactating, I hate not having anyone to nurse.

Sometimes I feel jealous of pregnant women and women with small children especially little boys (I suspected that my baby was a boy). I hate that I would ever feel that way.

Sometimes I feel physically weak and bumbling.

I hate looking at my belly and realizing nothing is there. I feel like my body betrayed me. I feel empty.

I still like to fantasize about carrying my baby in a sling. I was going to take the baby everywhere even on my walks.

I hold my tears in when I am around other people. I'm not sure if I everyone to know how much pain I am in.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I haven't been feeling very positive the past couple of days. DH and DS are gone for a week and its hard to be alone at night even though DD is here. I miss Norah so much right now. I also realized that my "pregnancy" symptoms are probably psychosimatic (or however you spell it meaning "in my head"). I want Norah here so much that my nipples burn as if I am breast feeding and my boobs feel heavy as if they are full of milk. But it is not true, they are not any bigger than before. I am just wishing that Norah was here so my body must be reacting to my wishes. *Yes, it is insanity. But, I'm allowed to be insane. My little girl died 11 weeks ago.*
Feeling very quiet and reflective.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Update on me: I've been doing pretty well, and I too am glad the horrid month of January is over. I feel like I can start anew. I'm hoping my first AF comes this week so that I"ll have one cycle down and only one more to go before trying again, then of course I have the fear of "will I get pregnant again, will I carry to term,etc." It is never ending. The only thing that really bothers me right now is women due in July, no offense, it is just very very painful to hear about other mamas due in July. That's just where I'm at right now.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Holly,
this is where those of us who can only take it one day at a time come. Sometimes what we say might be offensive to those that are pg or ttc so we needed a place to go and talk about our pain. I read you lost your baby and I do remember you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Amydoula - all those fears are perfectly normal.

hb2k8 - yeah, it sucks to be ready for mothering with nothing to mother.

Hi Megan, thanks for the hugs


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Hey Girls,

Is this like the HHT thread - but without the "trying again" part? If it is, I'm in. Lemme know please.

I plan to post my "birth story" on the forum in a few days. I'm working on writing it.

Holly


Holly,

It most certainly is! You come here and talk about how you're feeling, how to just get through the day. The women here are totally amazing and most of us are/have been to H,H &TTC at some point.

I am sending loving vibes your way. I am so sorry. Please take care.

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

hb2k8 - huge huge







s to you mama. Sending you light and peace.

Namaste mom- Thinking of you and wishing that things could have been different for Norah. Knowing in my heart that we will "see" Norah and Avery again someday soon.







s to you mama!

Wishing you all a day filled with love. We all need some now and then.

Take care,
Jen


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## skybluepink02 (Nov 9, 2005)

I've posted some in the HHT thread, but I'm honestly not sure if I'm ready to be there. I've been preparing myself to TTC again, but I start crying each time I test for ovulation and cried majorly when I got my OPKs and pregnancy tests in the mail. I know I'll be super upset when AF comes again. I guess I'm just questioning if I should really be thinking about TTC right now. I just want to be pregnant so much, but I really want to be pregnant with the baby I already was.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Ok. I'm just officially joining the group.

I just put the story of the last week (miscarriage) in a new thread here under "Super-Baby's "Birth" Story."

Anyway, I'm here now. No offense, but I don't really want to be.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Ok. I'm just officially joining the group.

I just put the story of the last week (miscarriage) in a new thread here under "Super-Baby's "Birth" Story."

*Anyway, I'm here now. No offense, but I don't really want to be*.

I think this is the forum people know about but *hope* they never have to post in. I don't know if anyone wants to be here.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
hb2k8 - huge huge







s to you mama. Sending you light and peace.


Thnx.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

Ok so today was tough! I just saw a woman from my playgroup at the grocery store and I hid from her. I just couldn't face telling her what happened. I know she would have asked how I was feeling since she has no idea I miscarried.

I wish the cramps would stop. I might be able to forget this happened if they would just go away.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

TayTaysMama - I am so sorry you had to do that! I know it is hard seeing a friend when this happens. What are you taking for the cramps? I know they are killer! I ended uo taking motrin. I really didn't want to but I was in so much pain!

Please take care. Oh, my other friend at the time of losing Avery was a heating pad, and the shower.

Light and peace!
Jen


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

hi all. I know I'm in such a different place this time because I was worried that I was pregnant this month and when my period came 2 days late I cried tears of relief. ugh. I've never been so happy to have af come since before I was married. I made dh go to the store and get some BC for the next month.

My mom, who can be sooo I don't know, insensitive asked me if I was going to go on the pill!!! WTF? I told her that no, I wasn't. That we didn't want to go through the trouble of getting off the pill when we wanted to try again. So I said it to her and she didn't say anything, but I could tell she was thinking that we should not try again. sigh. I KNOW she's scared for me, but man, it's not her choice.

Oh, and it's dd's birthday in a few moments. And I am so sad about it. It kinda of marks the beginning of my losses. My cousin was here, visiting from NY for her bday last year. I found out the baby was gone when we were supposed to be taking her to the airport. One more week and it's my one year anniv. of my first loss- Mason. HOW can it be one year? How is the world still going on? Why hasn't it stopped? At dd's bday party last year I was so happy, and everyone was patting my belly and I was wearing maternity clothes. Nobody even imagined that a week later that baby would be gone.

I'm also thinking how ds was not quite 3 ( his bday is the 28th of this month) when dd was born...and now, dd is 3 and we should have a 7 month old. And then I thought I'd be 25 weeks now and so they'd be a little over 3 years apart. I feel so out of control. All of my plans....up in smoke.

We saw a 7 month old baby today at dinner. And she was SO CUTE...omg. And she kept getting my attention and smiling this big ole grin while pushing her face out to me. Her mother was ignoring her and our interactions, it was odd. I felt so connected to this little stranger. I kept thinking of Mason and imagining this baby being her in my mind. I just wanted to scoop this little baby up and squeeze her. She was just adorable. sigh.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

to everyone on here this Febuary. I havent been on in awhile, I have been busy with school, and trying to keep my mind off of ttc. My new doctor wants me to wait 3 cycles because of the severity of the infection I had after the mc. Has anyone else had an infection because of retained tissue and been told to wait 3 cycles? I just had AF last week, and feel hopeful, but sad, because I shouldve still been pregnant.

Last week, my dd kindergarten teacher sent home the weekly news for the class, and at the end of the letter, she talked about the substitute teacher that would be in this next week because the teacher is due this month and would be on maternity leave. That really didnt bother me, I knew she was pregnant, and when I was pregnant we would talk about the pregnancies..ect. ANyway, she goes on to say how excited she is, and how there are 7 other teachers in the school that are pregnant and how neat that is. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I was feeling so much better, then that just knocked me down. She knew I had a mc, and though I dont think she wrote that to be mean, she should have chosen better words. DD had a viral infection and ear infection last week, so she missed the next 4 days, it was nice to stay home and not face all those pregnant teachers when i have to go pick her up. Sorry about the rambling. Lots of hugs and love to everyone on here.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Jen -* I know I'll meet Norah again but I feel cheated and robbed that she couldn't spend some time here with me now. I'm upset because DD and DS were deprived of their sister whom will only exist for them as a vague memory and in pictures. I am angry to see happy people but mostly I just miss her.

*skybluepink -* only you can make the call on whether you are ready or not

*Holly* - I read Superbaby's story. I'm very sorry for you loss. Nobody wants to be on this thread but we are here, searching for something to hold on to.

*TayTaysmama -* yeah the physical pain and the emotional pain are horrible
*
Heather* - i know what you mean about all your plans gone up in smoke. I feel out of control also but I'm not expecting to gain control back. I don't feel like making plans or even thinking about tomorrow. Only today.
*
punkrockmama -* sorry to read about all the pg teachers. I didn't have an infection after my m/c so I can not answer that question.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

It has been a tough day. I had a wonderful dream with my baby boy last night. I held him, loved him, and nursed him. He was not mine in the dream...I was just caring for him. I am devestated he is gone, and I will not be able to live this out. I am so sad.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlissfullyLoving* 
It has been a tough day. I had a wonderful dream with my baby boy last night. I held him, loved him, and nursed him. He was not mine in the dream...I was just caring for him. I am devestated he is gone, and I will not be able to live this out. I am so sad.

This dream sounds so nice. I've noticed I have a strong need to cradle something. I keep wrapping dh's teddy bear in a baby blanket, and holding him against me, patting his back. The need to nurture is so intense.

I miscarried Monday and got home from the hospital Thursday. This coming Thurs-Sat nights, dh and I plan to be in a hotel together. We want to take ice cream, order pizza, and just re-group. Hopefully cremation will be taken care of by then.

We're working on a real name for our son (besides "Super-Baby").

I hate that I can't blog or facebook about it yet, but dh's fam has access to both and we don't want to tell them until we do the hotel-thing.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Right now I am in bed pouting with tears streaming down my face. I went to a parade. Of course, there were many little kids there. I've never loved little kids so much. What really set me off was seeing one of my high school classmates. She's my age, but she has two beautiful children. I felt jealous. I hate feeling jealous.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
This dream sounds so nice. *I've noticed I have a strong need to cradle something. I keep wrapping dh's teddy bear in a baby blanket, and holding him against me, patting his back. The need to nurture is so intense.*
I.

Here's another







for you.









I've thought about doing that with my baby sling and a teddy bear an ex gave me. I was sooo looking forward to carrying around a baby in my sling.

I have had a lot of fun carrying around the diaper bag though.

I have an urge to keep buying baby stuff. I don't know why. I want to buy a breastfeeding necklace.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I hate feeling jealous.

Me too! There are atleast 12 women I'm close to from church with healthy babies. I'm not actually mad or resentful, but I can't help but think, "It's not FAIR!" And it's not. Not like they did anything wrong, but it's SO NOT FAIR.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I've thought about doing that with my baby sling and a teddy bear an ex gave me. I was sooo looking forward to carrying around a baby in my sling.

If nothing else, it's a good way to get tears going when you need to.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Me too! There are atleast 12 women I'm close to from church with healthy babies. I'm not actually mad or resentful, but I can't help but think, *"It's not FAIR!"* And it's not. Not like they did anything wrong, but it's SO NOT FAIR.

If nothing else, it's a good way to get tears going when you need to.

That's EXACTLY what I've been saying to myself.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youthpastormama* 
I like the title of this thread- one day at a time - because for me, that's so true. And some days it's one hour at a time.

Some times it's all we can do to go one day at a time.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I also realized that my "pregnancy" symptoms are probably psychosimatic (or however you spell it meaning "in my head"). I want Norah here so much that my nipples burn as if I am breast feeding and my boobs feel heavy as if they are full of milk. But it is not true, they are not any bigger than before. I am just wishing that Norah was here so my body must be reacting to my wishes.









This is very normal.









It's normal to feel phantom kicks, to hear a baby crying, and for your arms to feel heavy.

At times when I've been really sad missing Amy Dawn and crying my breasts have filled up with milk too. I want to nurse her. I want to cuddle her and rock her. I long to hold her once again.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Jen -* I know I'll meet Norah again but I feel cheated and robbed that she couldn't spend some time here with me now. I'm upset because DD and DS were deprived of their sister whom will only exist for them as a vague memory and in pictures. I am angry to see happy people but mostly I just miss her.


Namastemom- I am angry for you, if I could change it I would get Norah back for you and your beautiful family. I understand about feeling cheated. I feel the same way about Avery. My boys will never get to know her or who she could have been. I think of her every day and I try to be positive but when the really sad thoughts take over, that's it. I hope you had a good day and I am so sorry that you have to endure this.

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

Hi everyone, I have been following along since December but haven't posted yet. In a way I feel bad joining b/c I know a lot of you have been through / are going through so much more than I am. I had my second miscarriage right before Christmas- I have 2 beautiful children and this was an unexpected pregnancy. Both times it has happened to me it has been 11-12 weeks, so I was getting to a point of acceptance and excitement about the pregnancy, once the first few weeks were over.

We weren't planning on any more children, so I feel like this is a good group for me, because instead of the possibly healing experience of ttc again and having another successful pregnancy and birth, I'm ending up with this sense of loss and emptiness. I had thought I was ending my childbearing on such high note with the birth of my son, but now I'm ending it with the ultrasound tech saying 'your uterus is empty; there's nothing left"

It's hard to know what to say, when my friends who know about the m/c say "oh well, you'll have another one!" "you'll try again soon!", or people give me pregnancy advice "for next time", or my coworkers always ask if I'm pregnant or if not, when will I be?? It's hard to keep smiling and try to think of something polite and bland to say to get them off my back about it.

It's been hard getting my cycle back- in a way it's nice to have my body back to normal, but the hormone swings are almost unbearable, and then it's hard to know that I could conceive another baby, but I won't be, month after month.

Like most of you, I have so many pregnant friends. Most of my friends are first time moms so they are all TTC and getting pregnant with their 2nd babies now, and I'm so happy for them, because I know how great and thrilling it is, but so sad that that is all over for me, and it ended with such sadness. For some reason, people who were already pregnant when I was don't bother me, it's all the new pregnancy announcements rolling in one after another, that really get me, because that was me a couple months ago- newly pregnant and looking forward to telling my friends, and instead it was a miscarriage announcement.

I was in the July DDC with some of you- and as pp's have said in previous threads, it's really hard to see all the posts, they are all feeling movement, wearing maternity clothes, planning for the birth, etc and that would have been me.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

s *Awaken*

I am so sorry for your loss. Your loss is no less because this baby was a surprise or you have two living children. I do not think any of that matters...you are grieving for your lost baby(s) the same as anyone here.

If you feel that this is the last pregnancy you will ever have, is there anything you can do (ceremony or ritual) to give you positive closure (instead of "loss and emptiness") on this period in your life? I cannot think of anything right now, but my first thought was to somehow honor your body and womb for giving you all your children.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Hello everyone, I wrote in this column last month and posted links to my blog. I'm not sure how much posting I'll do, but I decided to at least try to do a start post in this thread. I'm an empty mom terribly missing my baby. He died last month on Jan 16th two days before I gave birth at 39 weeks. I don't know why this happen to us. I get mad that he didn't come a week sooner and maybe he would be with us today if that happened especially since I had at least a month of constant contractions and one "false" labor. I just don't understand why this happens. We didn't plan this pregnancy so why did we even get pregnant just to have him taken from us at the end??? I feel like I'll never know what happiness is again, I hate feeling this sad all the time, its not natural at all to feel this way.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Bliss - so sorry about you baby boy









Holly - I sleep with a small pillow on my chest where Norah would have slept. You can't shut the nuturing off. We are primed to nuture when we are pregnant.

HB2k8 - you probably know this but it is normal to feel jealous. You were robbed of your baby.

Amydawnsmommy - I thought my milk was gone but it certainly feels like I'm breast feeding. I read Amy Dawn's story - I'm sorry for your loss.

Jen -









Awaken - all losses are difficult. I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that it would be great if you could turn the sadness and negative feeling into something positive so that it didn't all end "with such sadness". Maybe you could volunteer or make something for the parents of babies who died.

Gratefulbambina - I remember your post and me thinking "oh no not again!!" I'm so sorry that this happened. I've walked your shoes. I can't answer your question, it is a question that I ask myself all of the time. What gives me strength is to think that somehow Norah needed to experience the process of developing in the womb and that I was able to give her a safe place to do that. I don't know why our babies weren't able to meet us. I do think that happiness is obtainable but that it will be a different kind of happiness than what I knew in the past.

Me - I had a rough thurs and fri, yesterday was 11 weeks since Norah died. I'm feeling OK.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amydawnsmommy* 
It's normal ... for your arms to feel heavy.

At times when I've been really sad missing Amy Dawn and crying my breasts have filled up with milk too.

Ya know, I lost Eden at 5 weeks and it took 6 weeks after that before reality struck and I started crying. Even so, I could "feel" her on my arms and I started making milk.

I just lost Super-Baby last week. I can "feel" him on my arms too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Awaken* 
It's been hard getting my cycle back- in a way it's nice to have my body back to normal, but the hormone swings are almost unbearable, and then it's hard to know that I could conceive another baby, but I won't be, month after month.

I also dread getting AF back and having my body do normal things again. It's kinda nice and convenient I guess, but it also rubs salt in the wound emotionally-speaking.

And I hate, after losing a baby, that every period is a reminder you're not carrying him/her anymore. I should currently be 8 months AND 3 months pregnant. It sucks.
__________

Today is the day that dh and I thaw out and look at Super-Baby's body. So painful. So full of grief. So surreal. So, dare I say, gross. One of those memories you just can NOT compute. But it needs to be done. His little body is laying, wrapped, on a teddy bear right now. I'll update you about it later.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm not looking forward to AF. One of the great things about being pregnant was no AF.

I still want to buy baby stuff. I can't help it! I still like to look around. I found this really nice bassinet but I'm not gonna have a baby.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Today is my 21st birthday. I know more people are going to offer me drinks. I don't want to drink alcohol b/c it's just a reminder of how I'm not pregnant.

I still feel like I need to prepare things for the baby.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
Today is my 21st birthday. I know more people are going to offer me drinks. I don't want to drink alcohol b/c it's just a reminder of how I'm not pregnant.

Happy Birthday!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

^Thanks!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Honey, Happy Birthday! Peace and rest to you today.

We actually held Super-Baby's body last night. Intense. I posted a thread about it.

Dh and I are going to a hotel on Thursday. We'll leave there for church Sunday and then come home. I'm so anxious to get away. It'll be about 48 hours from now. We need to just cry and talk through this nightmare. But we also need to talk about things like adoption and Super-Baby's name. We need to figure out where to go from here.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

^Thanks!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

HB2k8 -Happy Birthday! Try to do something for yourself that you enjoy.

Holly-Hope that you and yoru DH have a good trip and get to talk about all the things you need to. Rest, relax, take care. I'll be thinking of the two of you.

namaste mom-







s and prayers. Thinking of you as well.

Me-glad I made it through Monday. It was the 4 month anniversary of Avery's passing. It never feels easier and even being pg again won't make the saddness go away. I took her ashes out and hugged the box. I talked to her and told her that I hoped she and Mom-Mom were getting to play together.

Hope, love and light to each of you. Take care!

Blessings,
Jen


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Tough day. I had an annual pelvic exam today. It was the first time back to the office since I had the miscarriage. Why are people so insensitive? The nurse was awful. I was a little weepy, and she just kept staring at my chart reading the miscarriage notes over and over. It made me so uncomfortable. The midwife came in, and she asked me how I was doing. I just started crying. It was so hard. She was trying to be sweet, but she was saying things that were not comforting at all. She said something like, "our bodies are great at getting rid of things that are not working". That _thing_ was my baby. I tried not to let it bother me, but part of me wanted to tell her that as a midwife she was not comforting at all. The words she was saying were actually making it worse. Perhaps at my next annual I will fill her in. I did write a letter to the ob I saw during the miscarriage. He was so comforting and kind, and I just wanted him to know how much that meant to us.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Holly-Hope that you and yoru DH have a good trip and get to talk about all the things you need to. Rest, relax, take care. I'll be thinking of the two of you.

Me-glad I made it through Monday. It was the 4 month anniversary of Avery's passing. It never feels easier and even being pg again won't make the saddness go away. I took her ashes out and hugged the box. I talked to her and told her that I hoped she and Mom-Mom were getting to play together.

Jen, thanks. We actually have reservations now. Feels good. We're pretty well packed too.

I'm sure Monday was hard. I've noticed that in the middle of the pain, the beauty of the baby is still so obvious. No doubt there's a sweetness to Avery that still lingers and always will. Mom-Mom is Avery's grandma? I think a lot that my babies are with my grandparents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlissfullyLoving* 
She said something like, "our bodies are great at getting rid of things that are not working". That _thing_ was my baby.

I'm sorry you heard that. It was very insensitive, even though she probably didn't intend to sound that way. Your baby is very valued among us.

Me:
We're trying to arrange for cremation. I think it's going to happen, but it's proving stressful.

Two things are complicating legal matters: One, I actually miscarried at home instead of in a hospital (don't most women?). Two, he was less than 20 weeks gestational age, making the wording on the death certificate confusing.

Oh, and let's add three: I never actually signed papers with the midwife. If she agrees to sign the death certificate for us, she'll be doing us a HUGE favor. I'm waiting for the phone call to know she'll be willing to do it (though I think she will).

Meanwhile, I'm gradually getting really tired of having my child's body sitting in the freezer by the ice cream - kwim?! There's only so much of that you can take. I really need this all over with.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly,

We called an undertaker and they took care of the rest(cremation). Since it was under 20 weeks, (it was 16 weeks), we have a fetal certificate from the crematorium and the hospital. I would call the hospital and see if the Dr who performed the D&C would sign the certificate. That's who signed mine and I delivered Avery 1st. I only went because we could NOT get the placenta out. It was painful!

Mom-Mom is my grandmother. She went home with Jesus on January 15, 2008. Avery is in good company.

Praying for you! Best wishes.

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hugs to you all!!

Holly- I know all states are different but we were not given a death certificate for either of my babies, even though baby M was considered a stillborn at 20 weeks. It's a technicality that a lot of people are trying to change in legislation, but it is what it is. I did get a certificate like Jen said from the crematorium. My babies were 20 weeks and 17 weeks. The 20 week baby was considered a stillborn so we had no trouble with anything. But with our last baby - 17 weeks, it was a little more legwork. But it was done. The very kind people at the crematorium remembered us from 9 months earlier and did everything wonderfully for us. I went to a straight crematorium that doesn't do burials or anything- just cremations- and it was a lot less expensive, if that is a concern. They had special rates for miscarriages less than 20 weeks, 20-30 weeks and then 30- full term losses. I have two black boxes in my home and it's a comfort to have my babies with us always. I don't plan to "spread" their ashes anywhere. Our plan is to have the babies ashes put in my casket when I die so that we will be together. It brings me comfort to know that.

Well, for me, I'm coming into the home stretch...Feb. 11th is the day I lost my baby at 20 weeks. My sweet little girl- Mason. It seems so crazy that it's been a year. 2007 sucked...big time.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
I would call the hospital and see if the Dr who performed the D&C would sign the certificate. That's who signed mine and I delivered Avery 1st.

Thanks for mentioning this. If the midwife can't sign for some reason, I'll try that. (Sorry about the placenta fiasco - ugh.)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Mom-Mom is my grandmother. She went home with Jesus on January 15, 2008. Avery is in good company.

Praying for you!

My first thought was that babies aren't supposed to beat their grandparents to heaven. But now that I think about it, they're not supposed to beat their parents there either are they?
Thanks for the prayers.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
I went to a straight crematorium that doesn't do burials or anything- just cremations- and it was a lot less expensive, if that is a concern. Our plan is to have the babies ashes put in my casket when I die so that we will be together.

The funeral home we're using, and the specific person there, is a friend of a friend. So expensive or not, it's a good situation.

I like the idea of putting the baby's ashes with mine. I'll think on that one. It's so hard to know what's best, isn't it? No options seem satisfying - except resurrection perhaps. Doesn't seem to have worked so far though. Trust me, if prayers and faith could've done it...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
Well, for me, I'm coming into the home stretch...Feb. 11th is the day I lost my baby at 20 weeks. My sweet little girl- Mason. It seems so crazy that it's been a year. 2007 sucked...big time.

Less than a week. Hugs and peace to you. Many joys to you and Mason both.

Me: Anyone else feel like a total social outcast? Our House Group (church thing) has a little one-page directory. It's a name list with addresses and such. One column is full of children's names. Our "slot" there reads "1 cat, 2 birds." Gag. I wish, months ago, that I'd just left that slot empty or better yet, put our daughter's name in it. And now we have 2 babies. Gag. But I feel like I can't ask that the page be re-printed or anything ya know? It's SO awkward and sad. And that's just one example of the social thing!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
HB2k8 -Happy Birthday! Try to do something for yourself that you enjoy.

Jen

Thanks!

I've just realized why I've waking up so sweaty lately.

I've been having dreams about the baby like I woke up from a few minutes ago.

I was carrying around the fetus, taking it everywhere with me, but it was alive. In fact, it was sitting upright and everything.

So weird.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

sorry that I haven't been around. I'm sick with the flu. I post more when I get better.

I hope everyone is having a good week.

d.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I also have the flu or something viral. I'm so upset today, I can't stop crying. Life just seems so damn unfair right now. This pain can be so overwhelming. I miss my baby so much


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Here I am.I was still in January.Time no longer passes for me.
I'm o.k enough that people aren't asking anymore.
Still no af...freaking me out.Still no apt with a Dr.for care and birth control.Am I stalling?Am I stupid enough to allow another pregnancy?I always was before, but I am undergoing a shift now.I can no longer go with the flow.I feel I've been aged by this whole experience.At the age of 28, I feel old.







s to all of you.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Prayinfor12-I just read your and super-baby's birth story and when you got to see him.I'm bawling.Beautiful.I can feel your strength and personality pouring through your words.What fortunate babies to have your DNA.You have a beautiful family.I don't need pictures to see that.
Take care.It's a lot to sort, as you are all-too-well aware.I'm anxious to learn the name you choose,so I can whisper it to my Elvie and they can perhaps make a play-date.They need support through this too.







s


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Last night SO and I went out to eat. Seeing all the babies and small children made me jealous. I had to hold back tears. I was hoping I was over being jealous.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Well, I'm returning to the land of the functioning humans, sort of. I hate being sick but also taking care of DD who has the flu also and pneumonia is taxing. DH and DS is home now but I have trouble trusting him to give the right medicine at the right time so that I can nap. I did let him do it this morning so I could go back to sleep.

On Thursday night, I had a break down. DD was coughing and crying because she couldn't go to sleep because of her coughing. I was really feeling like she needed to go to the emergency room and get hooked up to a breathing machine to help her out. DH thought I was nuts. But, I looked at him and told him that I didn't want to make a mistake like I did with Norah...thinking that everything was going to be OK and it wasn't. I didn't want to take that chance again. I really avoid going to the doctor and I realize that was a major factor when Norah died. It was the weekend and I felt like I didn't need to bother anyone and that Norah would move soon. Well, she didn't. And I couldn't take losing another child because of my own fears of the hospital. I called the doctor on call and she talked me out of it because apparently the coughing that DD was having was "productive" coughing and not the dangerous kind. She eventually fell asleep. But, just that who conflict within me about when to take her to the ER or not put me over the edge.

*HB2k8* - I don't know if the jealously will ever end. You will always remember that you were to have a child that should have this old or that old. I think it is normal.

*KRSpirit* - I'm glad you found the Feb thread. Time really doesn't pass for me either. 28 is young....ah to be 28 again, I was so innocent and so full of power and strength....invincible.

*Holly* - I am a social outcast.

*Heather* - (((HUGS))) I agree 2007 sucked.

*Jen* - glad you made it through Avery's 4 month anniversary. I really really really hate those dates.

*Bliss* - my OB has insensitive nurses also, I hate them but I love my OB. So sorry to read they treated you badly.


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## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

Thanks so much.







to all of you. I am grieving for you, and know you are missing your babies so much right now.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlissfullyLoving* 
If you feel that this is the last pregnancy you will ever have, is there anything you can do (ceremony or ritual) to give you positive closure (instead of "loss and emptiness") on this period in your life? I cannot think of anything right now, but my first thought was to somehow honor your body and womb for giving you all your children.









Well...I still plan on burying the fetus under my son's placenta tree, but the ground was frozen so for now it's in the freezer awaiting the day I have the time and fortitude to do it. Also, maybe this is really cheesy but I had to take out my belly ring for my 1st pregnancy, and 4 pregnancies later I was thinking of getting it re-pierced. Even though my stomach is definitely not great-looking or a body part I want to show off, I still feel like putting some jewelry on it would honor what my body did and I should be proud of whatever it looks like. I have also been thinking of getting a tattoo forever, but didn't know of what. Now I think maybe some kind of fertility symbol, to represent my body's wisdom in knowing how long to carry each child and birthing all of them. Is that stupid?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
And I hate, after losing a baby, that every period is a reminder you're not carrying him/her anymore. I should currently be 8 months AND 3 months pregnant. It sucks.

I agree.


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## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

Well, today I was asked "Are you having more kids? So when are you having the next one?" and I am so tired of giving a bland smile and non committal answer. I'm so tired of that question, I really think it's nobody's business. So I told the person thanks for asking, I just lost my baby. I could tell they felt really bad, and now i feel bad for making them feel bad! I don't want to go around being bitchy to everyone who asks (and believe me, *everyone* asks, very often, like my reproductive life should be common knowledge for all to know!). Ugh.

If it were a stranger, I wouldn't care, but it's someone I have a pleasant, professional, although not super-deep relationship with, who I see on a regular basis. Does it not even enter people's minds that someone could have had a miscarriage, or is having difficulty conceiving??

And, the other morning I woke up thinking of my boss from 9 years ago...I hadn't thought of her in years. I had a sudden memory of her rushing out of work one day, and someone said she was having a miscarriage. I really didn't think much of it at the time- I was a long long way from having kids myself, and really didn't get what that meant or how she must have felt. She went through fertility treatments, and ended up adopted 2 children, and now I'm remembering that she said one time "I have no problem getting pregnant, they just never stick". And now I wonder, what pain she must have been going through, how many losses she did she have?

I keep thinking about her now, and just want to get in touch with her, and apologize after all this time for not understanding, or being more sensitive. At that time, I never would have guessed 9 years later I'd have 2 kids and 2 losses and that I'd be a totally different person than I was then.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I hate having to remind myself about how I don't need to buy baby stuff. I know I've said this before but I haaaaaaaaaaaate it! I did buy 1 more baby thing, and it was like relieving an urge. It doesn't help there are such good deals on ebay...









I DO NOT want AF back.

I think I ovulated Wednesday, and I like to imagine *what if* I got pregnant again right now.

I notice that my belly has gone down a bit. I didn't realize I had any bump but I guess I did. I feel so empty.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
having dreams ... I was carrying around the fetus, taking it everywhere with me, but it was alive. In fact, it was sitting upright and everything.

You made me think of a doll-maker named Camille Allen. I bet, based on your dream, you might like to google her. I used a pic of one of her dolls to represent my first baby.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
I feel I've been aged by this whole experience.At the age of 28, I feel old.

I'm 26 and feel very old as well. I find myself lately, looking at dh, feeling like a weirdo for marrying someone so young. He's like 18 months younger than me. I think of myself as elderly now. I can't seem to adjust on this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
Prayinfor12-I just read your and super-baby's birth story and when you got to see him.I'm bawling.Beautiful.I can feel your strength and personality pouring through your words.What fortunate babies to have your DNA.You have a beautiful family.I don't need pictures to see that.
Take care.It's a lot to sort, as you are all-too-well aware.I'm anxious to learn the name you choose,so I can whisper it to my Elvie and they can perhaps make a play-date.They need support through this too.







s

What a response! Thank you! And we think we've got his name. I'll tell y'all once we're sure.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
Seeing all the babies and small children made me jealous. I had to hold back tears. I was hoping I was over being jealous.

I'm doing this too. It's the 2-6 yr olds that seem to get me. My oldest wouldn't even be due just yet! I didn't expect to need to fight not cry over the 2-6 year old group.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I really avoid going to the doctor and I realize that was a major factor when Norah died. It was the weekend and I felt like I didn't need to bother anyone and that Norah would move soon. Well, she didn't.

When I conceived Super-Baby, I did it AMA. I wonder if we feel similarly. I keep thinking that I should've known. And it's true. I really should've. I bet anything our babies don't hold it against us - for what little that may be worth.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Awaken* 
Even though my stomach is definitely not great-looking or a body part I want to show off, I still feel like putting some jewelry on it would honor what my body did and I should be proud of whatever it looks like.

Not cheesy or stupid. Love the idea of honoring your belly in fact. I'm very proud of the extra wrinkle I now have in mine. I cherish it. Suggestion: If you stick with jewelry over tattoos, you could change the symbolism as time sees fit. (The _way_ I value my body changes over time.) Anyway, love the idea of honoring our bodies.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Awaken* 
So I told the person thanks for asking, I just lost my baby.

Ya know, I keep wanting to do this. Couldn't blame ya.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I think I ovulated Wednesday, and I like to imagine *what if* I got pregnant again right now.

I notice that my belly has gone down a bit. I didn't realize I had any bump but I guess I did. I feel so empty.

I just know that a month from now, I'll be wondering/hoping too. Even though that'd honestly be dumb of me. Gag - I guess this is just testament to what a big deal our babies are. But it's hard.

My belly has done the same. I went without a bella band for the first time just yesterday. I HATE that my jeans fit. I hate that _your_ pants fit! This just doesn't make sense.

Namaste_mom and gratefulbambina, I hope you both get (or finish gettin') well soon.

Me:

Being at the hotel is going well - I'm much less anxious, though having a bad Lyme relapse right now.
Super-Baby should have an official name in just a few days. We're close.
We've made major progress talking about the possibility of adoption.
I have some direction (written down!) for when we return home. I don't feel quite so lost now.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
You made me think of a doll-maker named Camille Allen. I bet, based on your dream, you might like to google her. I used a pic of one of her dolls to represent my first baby.

]

I googled her, and her sculptures are a lot like my baby in the dream. Very nice.

ETA: Hypothetically speaking I wouldn't know which picture or sculpture to buy. What does someone do if the baby is black AND white? lol

It would be dumb of me to get pregnant right now as well, but part of me doesn't really care. Maybe in the fall I can beg SO to ttc, but I think I will most likely go on the pill soon.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

namastemom- I do the same thing when the boys get sick. I am so afraid to lose one of them. They still sleep with me most of the time too! Hope you are feeling better. We are just starting to feel better here.

Praying for 12-Glad the hotel stay is going well for the 2 of you. You are not old at all, even though it feels that way right now! I hope tht your visit is truly productive and relaxing.

I ggogled the doll maker you mentioned and her babies are too cute!

Please take care all and know I think of you daily!

Hugs and prayers,
Jen


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Hi. I know it's almost the middle of the month, but I'm wondering if I can join you too. I've been reading this thread over the past few days and I feel like this may be where I belong right now.

Some days I feel pretty normal, but lately I've been having a hard time. I've had 4 losses total, 3 in the last year. I've had every test and everything is normal. Lately I've been torturing myself with thoughts of being pregnant again. We're not ttc, but not trying not to, YK? So, it's always a possiblity, but not all that likely. But, yesterday I figured out that If I'm pregnant right now, I'd be due Oct. 23rd (AF's not even due until Thurs). What is wrong with me? Even if I was pregnant right now, odds are not good that I'd make it anywhere near October. So, for my sil's wedding that's on Oct. 4, would I order a maternity bridesmaid's dress, or not? Why do I do this?







:

Sorry. I don't really know what the point of this post is, except to get a little of this craziness out of my head. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry you all have to be here too.







to all of you.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
ETA: Hypothetically speaking I wouldn't know which picture or sculpture to buy. What does someone do if the baby is black AND white? lol

Perhaps best answered with "Uhhhhhh." Zebra-striped?









Boysmom2,
Welcome. But sorry you have a reason to be here.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

Hello everyone. I'm back - I haven't been on in over a week - life's been so hectic.

I have read through all of your posts. It's too much to go back and post personal replies. But to all of you, I'm sorry you are hurting.

For those of you who are new here - I am so sorry you have reason to join us.

Love and hugs to all.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

i just post here for a few days?

februaries are so hard for me still. it just all comes rushing back this time of year.....then gets excruciating. then i found you mamas who are feeling it fresh and raw.. thats how i'm feeling.

my dd zoe died on feb 15.....17 years ago. she was born two days later.

i'm sorry i can't tell you this gets better. i live pretty well with it all year, until these cold dark days of winter...then its so painful.

i did go on to have another child, but she's not a replacement.

every year i wonder if it will be the last time..if i will forget just a little. i don't. she is so missed.

thanks for listening, mamas. i may need to come back.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Welcome, ediesmom, and boysmom2.








Just popped in for a hug.Thanks, mamas.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Ediesmom,

Of course you can hang out for a few days! You feel very welcome, regardless of how often or sporadically you may want to post.









I'm sorry you have a reason to post here though, kwim?

(May I ask you something? After 17 years, do you still see Zoe as a baby or as a teenager? I just happened to wonder, reading your post, how I'll think of Eden and Judah.)

Many hugs to you mama.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I think I'm in denial. I felt pregnant today. I got dizzy. I got that funny feeling I got when I was pregnant and didn't eat enough. I still want to buy baby stuff. I can't help it!

Today in one of my classes we discussed pregnancy and newborns. I almost didn't show up, but it turned out okay. I only shed a few tears but I think I hid it well.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

17 years, or 17 days - I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

thanks, mamas

i see her as a young woman. i have always missed her as she would be.

i want to say that most of the year now I am able to think about her without much pain, its only here, around her time, that it gets so painful.

one thing i do notice about myself, though, is an irrational fear of others birth loss. i calculate birth loss risk. if i know of more than a few mamas to be i fear that one of them will lose the baby. a quiet little obsession.

zoe was born with dark curly hair. i think of her as a young woman with that hair. a good student. tall maybe...taller than her mother.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

honeybunch2k8 said:


> I think I'm in denial. I felt pregnant today. I got dizzy. I got that funny feeling I got when I was pregnant and didn't eat enough. I still want to buy baby stuff. I can't help it!
> 
> I feel the same way. I get dizzy and get kinda crampy, I had spotting the other day and thought omgosh, I must be pregnant. I tested twice even though there really is no possible way since we are not supposed to be trying for another 2 cycles. And, the other day I found out that my neighbors daugter is due any day now and is going to be moving back home so they can help her with the baby. It was hard to hear about it, but I went out and bought some baby clothes and I saw the cutest little lamby onesie. I bought it, because if I had seen it when I was still pregnant, I would have bought it for my baby.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I think I'm in denial. I felt pregnant today.

Today in one of my classes we discussed pregnancy and newborns. I almost didn't show up, but it turned out okay.

I also keep thinking I'm pregnant - every time I put my hand on my belly. I always feel like I'm protecting something, and like my belly feels hard and big.

Way to go on attending class! I totally would've bailed.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ediesmom* 
one thing i do notice about myself, though, is an irrational fear of others birth loss. i calculate birth loss risk. if i know of more than a few mamas to be i fear that one of them will lose the baby. a quiet little obsession.

zoe was born with dark curly hair. i think of her as a young woman with that hair. a good student. tall maybe...taller than her mother.

Ya know, I calculate risk too. I hear about someone else being pregnant and react in horror, "knowing" what they're fixin' to go through. I fake the "congrats" thing, but I'm really scared for the mom.

Zoe sounds like a beautiful young lady. And no doubt a sweet and compassionate young lady too.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

punkrawkmama27 said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8*
> ...


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
I also keep thinking I'm pregnant - every time I put my hand on my belly. I always feel like I'm protecting something, and like my belly feels hard and big.

Way to go on attending class! I totally would've bailed.


I'm glad I went since we are having a test soon.
It's a child development class, and the textbook is chock full of pics of lil kids.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*HB2k8 -* are you majoring in child development

*Holly* - can you tell me where you got lyme disease?

*PRmama* - sometime I forget I'm not pg too.









Welcome *eidiesmom*; I often wonder if I'll always think of Norah as a baby or her vision will grow with time. I thought she would always be a baby but maybe not.

Welcome back *youthpastormama*

Welcome *boysmom2 -* I torture myself with thought of being pg also, sorry for all of your losses.

*Me* - saw Norah as a butterfly the other day, that helped me calm down a little bit.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Welcome to everyone new here.







s to you.

Punkrawk mama-Huge hugs! I know that I still see baby stuff too that I would have bought for Avery. I try to stay away from the stuff right now!

Holly- How are you doing these days? I hope your time away brought you a lot of answers. Prayers and hugs to you!

Namaste mom- Hope you are feeling better. What kind of butterfly did you see? Hope that you are well today. Sending lots of love your way!

Hugs and prayers,
Jen


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*HB2k8 -* are you majoring in child development

[

No, but I am a psych major, and the course is required.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

Today was so hard. We went to our normal playgroup this morning and the other mom who was pregnant with me was there. She is due 2 days after what my edd was. It is going to be so hard to see her. I have no idea if she even knows about my mc since she wasn't there last week when I told the other moms about it. I think she knows because she didn't ask me anything and we used to always talk about being pregnant. I felt bad because I couldn't even ask her how she was feeling. I knew I would get upset and I didn't want to.

This is going to be so hard just having to watch her getting bigger and having her baby.

I haven't cried about my mc for days and now I just can't stop being upset.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hi ladies....had an anniv. yesterday and it was kinda crazy in my head. Yesterday was the anniv. of the day I delivered my first loss, Mason- 20 weeks on Feb.11th. The day went okay but my mom didn't even say anything to me about Mason. I'm hurt. But I guess I can't expect everyone to remember every date that means something to me, right?

TayTays mom- It's so hard to see people pregnant isn't it? It gets easier as time goes by though. I have gotten to the point that I revel in the miracle of the pregnancy and while I still have a twinge of jealousy, I am more happy for the other person than anything and when I see a newborn I also revel in the miracle that is that child. I used to be more angry and jealous than anything and time has healed my heart in that respect.

Namastemom- I think that's neat that you saw Nora as a butterfly. Very sweet. Hugs to you momma.

Prayin'for12- I sometimes see myself doing the statistics for pregnant moms that I see. And it makes me so sad. I am truely not the optomist when it comes to pregnancy now. But like I mentioned before, I try to see the pregnancy/baby for the miracle that they are. I didn't see the miracle of it all before my losses.

Ediesmom- Feb. is hard for me too. It's crazy but my two living children have birthdays in Feb and then my loss in Feb makes it wierd that three of my kids were born in the same month. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

honeybunch2k- I feel pregnant all of the time. I feel these twinges in my abdomen and I think for a brief wonderful second that I'm feeling the baby, and then I realize it's not the baby because I am not pregnant. And it's also a bit of a punch in the stomache becasue I think that when I DID feel those twinges when I WAS pregnant, that perhaps I wasn't feeling the baby at all.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

i am just so sad today.
i was so peaceful and patient when i was pregnant. and now i'm just a crabby, impatient tyrant.
in my first pregnancy it was the first time i had experience NOT being depressed. almost like my hormones from the pregnancy fixed it all, and i was belly laughing all the time.
and with this recent pregnancy the same thing was happening. i was blossoming and feeling so hopeful and content.
now all of that is gone. so with the loss of the baby, and the emotional loss of my 'happiness' , and the perhaps hormonal imbalance i am just feeling yeck.
i wouldn't want to be around 'me' today.
my poor family.
plus, i went to the doctor for a follow up and he confirmed that there was a baby measuring 6week 2 days. i hadn't been sure if it was a blighted ovum or not. but today i got all the details. i was pregnant for 11 weeks, but baby died at 6 weeks.
i had been feeling ok up till today. now it feels overwhelming to me again.

thanks for listening.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Thank you all so much for letting me join you. I think one of the things that's so hard is that had an older child passed away everyone would expect me to still be grieving. But instead, once the physical recovery is over, we are expected to act as though nothing happened. It's been 5 months since my last loss (has it been that long?) and I feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to about any of this. Thanks, mamas.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

*Punkrawkmama* - It says a lot about your character that you were able to buy something for your neighbor's daughter.

*Namastemom* -







Thanks for welcoming me back! I'm glad you found a bit of peace.

*Taytays Mama* - I am sorry you are hurting.

*Parker's Mommy* - I'm sure yesterday was so hard. I'm sorry your mom didn't remember.

*Leobabe* -









*Boysmom2* -







I have found the ladies here to be so welcoming and loving, and to understand things that no one else can. To validate feelings that others think are unreasonable. Here is a place you can talk.

As for me - today has been okay. We are now in the middle of a lot of home repairs, so with all of that my mind has been pretty busy.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Holly* - can you tell me where you got lyme disease?

*Me* - saw Norah as a butterfly the other day, that helped me calm down a little bit.

Contracted Lyme while at Starved Rock - a park in Illinois. It was last May - 8 months ago.

I like the butterfly idea.

Parker'smommy,
I'm sorry your mom didn't say anything.

Leobabe,
Ya know, I also was doing better pregnant. I'm dreadfully sick and was then too, but I hate that now I can't console myself with "but I'm gonna get a baby outta this." It's not just the loss of the baby - it's the loss of my little comforter.

I'm glad you got some answers. It sounds like we have similar stories. I was at 12 weeks and Judah measured 6 wk 5 days. I'm sorry mama.

Boysmom2,
I've also noticed that - that people seem to think we should grieve more the older the child was. And I hate it. Seems like the same idea is common with gestational age. So unfair.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youthpastormama* 
*Boysmom2* -







I have found the ladies here to be so welcoming and loving, and to understand things that no one else can. To validate feelings that others think are unreasonable. Here is a place you can talk.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Holly- How are you doing these days? I hope your time away brought you a lot of answers. Prayers and hugs to you!

YPM and Jen,
I'm combining what you both said and am going to talk:

I am doing CRAPPY. The time at the hotel did calm me down a bit. BUT I am so sick that I can not grieve - as in, I start to feel teary, then something suddenly hurts and rips my attention away from the sadness, or my muscles start quivering or tightening, and that terrifies me and rips my attention away. I can not cry. I can not grieve. I am TRAPPED in my defective, painful body. I'm unable to get my attention focused OFF of my body and ON to Judah long enough to grieve for him.

Instead, the built-up grief just wears on my body and makes things worse. It's a vicious and miserable cycle.

What's more, we think there very well may be something ON TOP of the Lyme - something neurological, like MS perhaps. We're doing tests. But I am terrified. I am so terrified, I can't grieve - I am physically incapable under these circumstances.

If I believe the medical community, I've got many miserable decades to go of pain and getting worse and wanting to die but not being able.
If I believe my faith community, God's going to step in and I'm going to heal.
But I've been clinging to faith in all this for months, and nothing's happening. I still am confident God hurts when I hurt - that he cares. I'm just no longer confident he's going to DO something about it.

I know this thread has to do with our babies. What I'm saying is that my _other_ circumstances are so bad, I can't grieve. As far as grieving goes, I've been stuck for 3 weeks in that moment in the ER when the doc said Judah was gone. That one horrific moment is where I live - plus the pain and terror from my own foul body on top of it.

How much can someone survive? At what point is it not worth it to keep _trying_ to survive?


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
I am so terrified, I can't grieve - I am physically incapable under these circumstances.

If I believe the medical community, I've got many miserable decades to go of pain and getting worse and wanting to die but not being able.
If I believe my faith community, God's going to step in and I'm going to heal.
But I've been clinging to faith in all this for months, and nothing's happening. I still am confident God hurts when I hurt - that he cares. I'm just no longer confident he's going to DO something about it.

I know this thread has to do with our babies. What I'm saying is that my _other_ circumstances are so bad, I can't grieve. As far as grieving goes, I've been stuck for 3 weeks in that moment in the ER when the doc said Judah was gone. That one horrific moment is where I live - plus the pain and terror from my own foul body on top of it.

How much can someone survive? At what point is it not worth it to keep _trying_ to survive?

prayingfor12....there is so much more to look forward to.

my dd was killed by my undiagnosed medical condition, which is chronic and i still live with today. and i have since been diagnosed with two additional chronic conditions.

aside from the recurring memories off dd who passed, and dealing with health issues, life is so worth living.

so, we take care of ourselves the best we can, and do our best to enjoy!

this hurts, and it won't hurt too much less anytime too soon, but we live through it and ARE happy again....medical diagnoses and all.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen - I was walking in the woods and talking to Norah, which I tend to do when I'm walking because it helps me feel connected to her. And a yellow butterfly came up from the ground and swirled around my face and went up into the sky. I tend to think of Norah more like a butterfly, transformed to a more beautiful existence, instead of a cherub with wings and a harp.

TayTay - its OK to be upset, some days are good some are bad.

Heather - I'm not sure that other people remember our losses. For us, it has a huge impact. For others, it just happened and doesn't affect them that much.

leobabe - (((HUGS))) I'm sorry, I know it is just so hard...

boysmom2 - I refuse to act as though nothing happened and bring up Norah whenever the opportunity presents itself.

YPmama- yeah for home repairs and keeping busy

Holly - were you all camping? I'm so sorry that you body will not let you focus on grieving. Have you tried journaling...writing to Judah? This helps me a lot and lets me focus on Norah instead of me. I always end up crying but that is the point, writing to her lets me talk to her. For months, i was stuck on two days in November, I lived it over and over and over. Only recently have I been able to let it go (a little). As far as how much one can survive...a lot. We can deal with a whole bunch of pain, maybe not well but just when you think it can't get worse, it always does. Crap keeps getting piled on top of me and my family and I am always amazed that we are still functioning. I'm just looking forward to happier times even though I don't know when that might be. As far as _trying_ to survive and whether it is worth it. I guess that is a personal choice. I KNOW things will get better in the future, they have to. I want to experience all the life has in store for me -- the good and the bad. I seriously could do without the bad but unfortunately, no good comes without bad. Soon, you are going to beat this lyme's disease and if you have a neurological problem, then you will learn to deal with that also. You are going to have the family that you want. There is nothing else to do but get up in the morning and make it through the day.
d.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ediesmom* 
prayingfor12....there is so much more to look forward to.

aside from the recurring memories off dd who passed, and dealing with health issues, life is so worth living.

Please tell me what makes your life worth living. I'm wondering if there's something I can latch onto.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Holly - were you all camping? Have you tried journaling...writing to Judah? As far as how much one can survive...a lot. I KNOW things will get better in the future, they have to. I want to experience all the life has in store for me -- the good and the bad. Soon, you are going to beat this lyme's disease and if you have a neurological problem, then you will learn to deal with that also. You are going to have the family that you want.
d.

Fast answers:
Hiking actually - last time I remember feeling good.
I have a "To God" journal on the laptop. I yell at him a lot lately.
Why do you want to experience the bad? (Really. Maybe it'll help me.)
The better future/beat Lyme/have family stuff - please please please tell me WHY I can believe that. If you can give me a shred of hope, I swear I'll cling to it.

I'm suicidal now. I give. I've been thinking about it for days and I just have to admit it now. I'm suicidal.
I have a counseling appt on Fri afternoon, and somehow I have to make it till then. Yes, my husband knows. Yes, I am alone. No, I do not have plans made. No, I will not go get help. And no, I do not REALLY want to do that.
I hate my life.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I couldn't let this post go without saying anything. I haven't posted on this site much because of the pain that I'm going through. I do read, just don't post much.

I have never felt the pain that I'm going through right now and everyday I hope I'll feel a little bit better. I can understand the feeling of just wanting to end the pain. I don't have solutions, but I do have an ear & I would like to just offer you my telephone number. Please call me I will listen to you and let you cry your heart out to me. Please make it to your appointment, please see what tomorrow and the next day will bring.

You said that you & your dh were considering adoption, if you want something to hold on to hold on to that. There is that baby/child out there that are looking for you. They need you. You will make it through this. I'm PMing you my number, I am here we can cry together.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

little things that make life worth living

ummmm, well, sex







i really make the absolute most of now
the thrill i get when i am able to raise lots of money for good causes
smells....the smell of earth. of food. of babies.
the way i marvel at my body when it moves...regardless of medical issues
knowing that i am a mother
memories.
hope.

those are just a few. today, mama, it hurts for me to think really good thoughts....i want to grieve. but just know its good when it doesn't hurt so damn bad.

i need to trust you are okay....are you okay? do you need to call for a bit of help? i could help you do that.

know this intense pain isn't forever...it ebbs and flows. and it turns almost bittersweet. I have been 'doing this' for 17 years, and its good now. its really good. just because it hurts real bad sometimes doesn't mean it hurts real bad all the time. please trust that.

if you want or think you may need a hand please feel free to pm me.......


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Please tell me what makes your life worth living. I'm wondering if there's something I can latch onto.

Fast answers:
Hiking actually - last time I remember feeling good.
I have a "To God" journal on the laptop. I yell at him a lot lately.
Why do you want to experience the bad? (Really. Maybe it'll help me.)
The better future/beat Lyme/have family stuff - please please please tell me WHY I can believe that. If you can give me a shred of hope, I swear I'll cling to it.

I'm suicidal now. I give. I've been thinking about it for days and I just have to admit it now. I'm suicidal.
I have a counseling appt on Fri afternoon, and somehow I have to make it till then. Yes, my husband knows. Yes, I am alone. No, I do not have plans made. No, I will not go get help. And no, I do not REALLY want to do that.
I hate my life.

I couldn't not respond to this either. I haven't posted in this thread before, but have been lurking...

I don't know what to say. I have no great words of wisdom. All I can share is that I have been where you are, after my first miscarriage, with no baby to hold, and no assurance that one would ever be in my arms. I am not sure what kept me going, except that once in a while I would be able to take a deep breath, get very still, and look past the pain and fear into my heart of hearts, where I could feel a very peaceful, deep, sure knowledge that one day I would be holding a healthy, live baby in my arms.

I think everything you are feeling right now is completely normal and to be expected, given everything you have been through. I don't know if reading that is helpful to you, but I know that hearing that my feelings are normal helps me sometimes.

Is there anything at all that is soothing or comforting that you could do right now to lift your spirits even a little, even for an hour? A warm bath, a walk, a treat from the store, anything?

Please feel free to pm me too if you need to talk. Please try to make it to your appointment - only two days away. Sleep through the days if you need to, just to make it. Call your husband and have him come home if you need to. Just do what you need to do to make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day. Someday things won't seem this bleak. I promise.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I couldn't let this post go without saying anything. I haven't posted on this site much because of the pain that I'm going through. I do read, just don't post much.

I have never felt the pain that I'm going through right now and everyday I hope I'll feel a little bit better. I can understand the feeling of just wanting to end the pain. I don't have solutions, but I do have an ear & I would like to just offer you my telephone number. Please call me I will listen to you and let you cry your heart out to me. Please make it to your appointment, please see what tomorrow and the next day will bring.

You said that you & your dh were considering adoption, if you want something to hold on to hold on to that. There is that baby/child out there that are looking for you. They need you. You will make it through this. I'm PMing you my number, I am here we can cry together.

You're also in a lot of pain?

I got your PM and stared at it the longest time holding my cell phone. But I think typing is just so much easier. Emotionally speaking anyway. I can take super long pauses. But I'm keeping your number available until dh gets home.
I will make it to that appt - I can't WAIT to have someone's undivided attention so I can vent. Gag I need to vent. I swear the "building up" is half the problem.

And you made me think - what will tomorrow bring? We have House Group (church thing). That's good. They'll let me vent some too. That also means dh doesn't stay at work (away from me) for so long. And I want to start my routines again tomorrow - tomorrow morning, I'm going to do 1 load of dishes.

And since I don't have confidence that an adoption agency would even clear us (me I mean) to have a baby, I can't really hold onto that. BUT I did have a vision, months ago, of a daughter of ours that was about 8. Surely _that's_ got to be something to hope for.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ediesmom* 
little things that make life worth living

ummmm, well, sex







i really make the absolute most of now
the thrill i get when i am able to raise lots of money for good causes
smells....the smell of earth. of food. of babies.
the way i marvel at my body when it moves...regardless of medical issues
knowing that i am a mother
memories.
hope.

those are just a few. today, mama, it hurts for me to think really good thoughts....i want to grieve. but just know its good when it doesn't hurt so damn bad.

i need to trust you are okay....are you okay? do you need to call for a bit of help? i could help you do that.

know this intense pain isn't forever...it ebbs and flows. and it turns almost bittersweet. I have been 'doing this' for 17 years, and its good now. its really good. just because it hurts real bad sometimes doesn't mean it hurts real bad all the time. please trust that.

if you want or think you may need a hand please feel free to pm me.......

I'm sorry you're hurting too.

Yeah, I'm ok. Stable enough to live until tomorrow I think - can't tell you I'm one bit better than just that though. I hardly know how to answer - most of each day I'm hanging in there, basically toughing it out for dh's sake. Then I have these 20 min - 1 hour blurbs creep up where I really do want to die. Happens every day. I'm hoping my daily emotion fart is over for this day.

(It's been like this since the night we found out Judah was gone - Jan. 24. What was that - 3 weeks ago? My gosh. It feels like I've never known another way of living. Pleasant memories from my life feel like things I read in books.)


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Holly-You are going through a TON!!!So much, that I bet you will look back on this time as a pivotal point in your life.This is what is making you into the GREAT you.I can see it in your posts,and your blog.I recognise the same pattern of impossible, yet surmounted obstacles in my own life.God is training us for the purpose of our lives.Whatever it may be,He knows, and He sometimes gives hints.
I have a few questions for you.Have you blogged lately?I glanced at some January entries, and you are such a fun, optimistic, STRONG woman!Don't let this trip keep you down.Have you given yourself up in service?I know for me,Service is an amazing escape from my world, to a place where I CAN make someone elses world better.It's very healing.And can be as simple as a note of appreciation, or a visit to the elderly.
Also,focus on the good.If you have to fantasize yourself around good, do it.Our minds think it IS real, and the then CREATE that reality.Make a room in your mind of your bliss.Your perfect life.Visit it each day, and you'll see it becomming real,but you must FOCUS on it, feel it,smell it,taste it.I can see from your healing with Lyme Dis-Ease that you have the ability to make a beautiful future for yourself, and your family.
Let the past be past.It IS dear, and vital,and it informs our futures.It HAS a reason,whether it makes sense or not.It is for something, maybe someone else even.
And finally, if you need to hit rock bottom to bounce up, do it with supervision.A counselor, a trained guide.That moment between rock and bounce can be deadly,you may be there now.Don't let it kill you, you are too good, too important and too strong for that.
I have been suicidal too.This is what has saved me so far.I hope it can save you too.Please, PM me if you need to.







If we must walk along this precipice, let's do it hand in hand.
I am praying for you non-stop, until I see your next post mama.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

You keep that number and call me anytime you need to or PM me if that is what you want to do. You can read about my son below in my signature, I am in a great deal of pain that I cannot explain. I lost my son almost 4 weeks ago at 39 weeks. I journal to help me. I also yell and scream alot in my head or outloud when I'm alone.

When I feel alone I come and lurk on these message boards, I really need you mamas.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Holly-I want to add that Judah is a beautiful name!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
Have you blogged lately?
Also,focus on the good.If you have to fantasize yourself around good, do it.Our minds think it IS real, and the then CREATE that reality.
And finally, if you need to hit rock bottom to bounce up, do it with supervision.A counselor, a trained guide.That moment between rock and bounce can be deadly,you may be there now.

I read this post syllable by syllable and then smirked. You're a writer arncha? I haven't smirked since um, it was about 5 hours ago.

Uh...I just keep reading over this post. I don't even know if you believe in God, but I think he just used you. I want to answer every word you wrote - is my brain just being weird? I feel excitement reading this. Um...huh. Ok. I'm gonna comment on a few things and then just go keep reading this 100 times. What is my brain doing?

No, I haven't posted lately. We hadn't told all the fam about Judah until last Sunday. That's why. And I'd post now, but dh's fam reads that, so I can't just open up a new post and write "I want to die" kwim? They already loathe me.

Um, I was in the "moment between rock and bounce" for about an hour until 1:00 today. Thing is, that happens nearly every day at some point.

And, I'm gonna try this thing about making it good in my head. I might be able, a sliver at a time, to do that.

Ok. I'm gonna go read this some more.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

KindRedSpirit,
Thanks. We were aiming for a name that's PACKED with meaning. His middle name's Zion.

Gratefulbambina,
Thanks about the phone number. I was looking at your blog just now when...

Dh called - he's coming home now and will work from home the rest of the day. He doesn't even know what's going on with me yet. Two hours ago, I wrote it all out on a piece of notebook paper - that I'm suicidal and exactly what beginnings of plans I've thought out. Things I can't say outloud - yk? So, in half an hour I'm handing that to him.

I feel like if my body would just be healed, I wouldn't be in this awful position. But I've been asking God for months now and so have many other people. Yeah, doing the medical stuff too. I'm losing hope. And I feel like God abandoned me. But I hate to say that 'cause I don't want to make him look bad. This is so gut-wrenching.


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## northern light (Sep 25, 2005)

Holly









I'm praying for you. I believe we lost our babies around the same time. I understand the fresh pain of loosing a 12 week baby, but I can't imagine dealing with all the physical problems on top.
You are one tough mama! You can do this!

I wanted to mention what I did to help keep my little Rhye with me. I got a tattoo. DP freaked on me, but since getting it I feel that I have a part of my baby with me all the time. A part I will never loose, a part my body can't let go. It was very healing for me. It is nice to have something to remind me that my baby was real, that it did indeed exist.

Is there something you can find/buy/get that you can hold on to?

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.........


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Holly-If there was a beaming smilie,it would be here.You just made it for me.Made my whole week,mamma!








At first, I thought you were being cynical about God using me...I'm taking it as a good thing now,that I was available to Him,and to you.









gratefulbambina-I read the birth of Fracis.A whole,born baby.An entire pregnancy, labor and birth,ah, to hold an infant,to see his face, feel his body.Beautiful,beautiful moment.To know that level of love and brokenness at the same time...It's too bitter!I'm SO,SO sorry you are living through this.I have no personal experience to that extent, but let me offer my shoulders to cry on, my hand to hold, and my full, undevided attention,to hear anything you have to share about your baby and your heart.Whether in context of your life or not.







after bawling









I was really having a crappy day.I got my period yesterday, which is both a relief and a smack right on the membrane of my heart.It hurts so many ways...My womb is SO empty.I smell like bloody death, nad it takes me back to those moments again.The passing of my impossible future.
But I am not empty.I'm learning to seperate my self from my womb,which I have never done in my adult life.All I have done since I was 19 is reproduce and nurture my babies.This is MY birth.I grew myself a placenta!(I am now convinced I had a blighted ovum.)Maybe Elvie is my own inner child.I DID connect with a spirit while I was pregnant.Either way, that spirit is a peice of me.This mc has been entirely different from my first one.That one had a body, a person,a death.I still connect and check in with that spirit.I remember posting a few weeks back that I could not feel this baby anymore.That is when I really thought of a blighted ovum,I have a placenta in my freezer, and no baby.No closure,no growth exept my own.I have nothing to bury this time.I am BEING born.My whole life is new.Everything but my faith has changed.All I had was faith left.I was a spirit.Now I have this body to myself.I may actually never give birth again.That is a HUGE sentance comming from me.I am at least taking a couple years off from pregnancy.Wow.I think I'm healing now.I have hope.I have not failed myself.I have accepted this.

If I am crazy,don't let me know,I have hope for peace here.Let me hold peace, if not my baby.I'm exhausted.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Pray for 12, I'm very sorry for your situation.









I've been having scary thoughts as well, but I have no plans.

I'm feeling a need to be pregnant again. I even want twins this time. I have all this love, milk, and baby things, but I have no baby.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Wow, the twins thing is crazy,huh?I've been thinking the same thing.Before af I kept reading threads about conceiving before first af after mc, and the higher liklihood of twins!I kept fantasizing about naming them with the initals LV...It's almost like a craving-an obsession...


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

I can understand your desire. But I am just the opposite. I can't believe, now, that I ever wanted twins (though I did). Now, I would rather never get pg again than have a twin pg.

You would have to institutionalize me to get me through it.

My energy healer tells me my uterus is ready to get pregnant again. It had better learn some patience.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KindRedSpirit* 
Wow, the twins thing is crazy,huh?I've been thinking the same thing.*Before af I kept reading threads about conceiving before first af after mc, and the higher liklihood of twins!*I kept fantasizing about naming them with the initals LV...It's almost like a craving-an obsession...

Wow! I think I've already ovulated though, and I'm not preggo. It will be a few months before I try again. Hopefully, just a few just gotta get OH on the bandwagon. But I'm still gonna hope.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly- I am sorry that your body is not allowing you to grieve. I agree with namaste mom-try to journal it allows you to write you your son without focising on yourself. I love his name it is so strong!

I would call and tell the counselor that you are having suicidal thoughts. They will see you before Friday. I also am wondering if you are having PPD, I know I had a case of it and really was thinking somebadhoughts for a while. Once I talked to someone it really helped me to regain a focus. Lots of love to you!

Have you thought of trying acupuncture for all of your pain. I hope that you can find a way for some relief. Does any type of physical therapy work or is it too strenuous? I hope that you do not have MS and that there is a way to manage the pain.

Also-things that make the loss bearable-the love of my DH. Knowing that I still have hope and love in my life. Keeping a focus on what I have versus what I have lost. I can never change the past but I can make a future that focuses on all the good that life has brought me. Live each day as if it is your last is someting that I take to heart now.

namaste mom-I love your story about Norah and the imagery. So beautiful. I do not imagine Avery as a cherub with wings either. I do not know what I really vision but it is not an angel.

Tay Tays Mom- I know how hard seeing a pg friend can be. I have to go to a tea for a good friend on Sunday and she was due 4 days before me. I write down how I feel in these situations as a way to prepare myself to deal with them over and over. Best wishes to you!








s







s to everyone here. Please take care.

Love and prayers!
Jen


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I also want twins all of a sudden. I have always been scared and NEVER wanted twins before. I think in my situation is that I am supposed to have 3 children in my house right now & I only have 2. If I get pregnant again I would have 4 children & if I was to get pregnant with Twins then I would have my 4 children like I should have.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Holly - yelling at God is not the same as talking to your baby Judah. I'm not certain what I think about God but I do know two things. I know that I will see Norah again and I know she is near me. Without those two things, I'm not certain how much hope I would have. Why do I want to experience the bad...Good question...I'd love to leave out the bad but then how would you know how good your life was? If you didn't hit those deepest lows, and believe me I have been to a very deep dark place after Norah died, then how would you know about how great it feels to have good things happen to you. If all you got was the good, then life would kind of roll along, how would you know how amazing it is to look into the eyes of a newborn or to spend the day soaking in the sun. The Good is much better with the bad. Again, I'll say it again, I'd love to leave out the bad but that is not feasible. So, I'll settle for having a good day every now and then. I'll settle for being able to think about Norah and have a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes. Why can you believe that you are going to have what you want. I believe it. It is a belief, not fact, not science. I want to believe. I believe that my life is going to get better. If I didn't, I don't know how I would get up in the morning. But then, I look into the eyes of my kids and into the eyes of my husband, and I know why I get up. Because, I love them more than I love myself. Suicide is a selfish behavior, releasing yourself from your suffering but in the end causing more suffering to those who love you. Holly, I hope you talked with your DH when he got home. It is important to keep open the lines of communication. Feel free to PM me also. I'm not constantly on MDC but I do check in a couple of times a day.

Gratefulbambina (((HUGS)))) sister. It does get better. I'm going on 13 weeks out from Norah death and I can make through an hour without crying. I talk to Norah alot and it helps. Four weeks is a really short time, I hope you are finding a little peace.

KRSpirit - I also agree that trying to create normalacy and good around me helps out a ton. I go through the motions even though I'm not feeling like it. Someone described recently that path that we walk as a tightrope, I thought that was an accurate description.

Jen - I have a very clear vision of Norah as a spirit, she only comes to earth as a butterfly so I can see her. I also lost another baby girl at 12 weeks. It is more difficult for me to reach her spirit but I know she is around. I feel her too.

Strength and Peace, D.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

namaste_mom- I will tell you that I think about you alot. When I read your posts and I think of thats how I would prob feel at such and such weeks. I do feel close to you, Im very sorry for your loss as well and I have cried many of times for your little Norah and the pain you went through.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Wow mamas, I haven't been following this thread, but I read the last several posts, thinking I'd lurk and had to jump in now (instead of waiting until March when I could just join a new thread.)

On the twins, I've been thinking that, too! I've always thought I wanted to two kids, but now that we've lost our baby, I want MORE. Three would be great. But I'm getting old, so maybe twins would give us three. Or maybe we just have one more and Isacc (baby we lost) rounds out that threesome.

Prayingfor12: I've been noticing your posts because of your username. My husband's grandmother, who is a grandma to me, had eleven kids. Not long after I was engaged to my husband, she told me about the twelve, how she had always wanted twelve kids. And she had her eleven and was pregnant with number twelve...and ecstatic that she was going to have that "cheaper by the dozen" comment to throw at people. She told me how she started bleeding and bleeding and rushed to the hospital. She lost the baby and her uterus. She told me how devastating that was to her. And when she heard our news about our loss, wanted to make sure we knew she understood our pain. She is the most loving and open-minded and open-hearted person I can think of. She has since lost three more of her kids -- my husband's mother at 40; another daughter at 49; and my husband's father (the uncle who adopted him after his mother's death...not crazy incest!) at 59.) But I think of all the joys she has had in her life, raising those kids and watching them raise their kids and now her grandkids raise her great-grandkids. And there have been so many losses and so much sadness. That is a part of having a big family. But there is so much joy, so more more joy than the sadness with a big family. You will get through this so you can raise a bunch of babies and know that joy. And you will grow from this pain to prepare you for any pains that may come.

I'm praying for you, that you'll get as close to your 12 as you truly want to be.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

*Prayinfor12* - How are you doing?


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Read EVERY one of your posts (and feel like a thread hog!)

Just update: Gave dh that paper I mentioned. Hasn't said much, but he's spent lots of time just listening to me cry - which is better. He's going to call every hour tomorrow while at work to make sure I'm not losin' it.

I'm very unstable. I keep giving up - mentally and emotionally. When I do, my face and hands instantly turn milk white. I SWEAR my body shuts down as my willpower shuts down. It's unbelievable - we can see it happen. It's very scary.

Dh got me to give him my word I'll atleast fight until the appt Friday. And when I get to that appt, I am committed to walking in and saying "Nice to meet you, I want to kill myself, help me." I want/NEED to get somewhere.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

I think a pp mentioned, and I am going to say it again, PLEASE call your therapist tomorrow, first thing, BEFORE dh leaves for work. Page them if you have to. Tell them how you are feeling. They WILL get you in sooner.

And, this will sound off topic, but it is not... have you ever had energy healing or cranio sacral work? I have found it is extremely helpful to me in aiding my body to release trauma, which then aids in my emotional healing. Also, sometimes the energy work helps me zero in on the issues most critical to me to discuss later with my therapist, so it works with the therapy, in a way. Just my .02.










Take care of yourself. Don't be shy about asking others to take care of you too.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

You are in my thoughts and prayers, prayinfor12. Please do not be afraid to ask for help - and to ask for it now.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I also want twins all of a sudden. I have always been scared and NEVER wanted twins before. *I think in my situation is that I am supposed to have 3 children in my house right now & I only have 2*. If I get pregnant again I would have 4 children & if I was to get pregnant with Twins then I would have my 4 children like I should have.

Similar here. I figure having twins is a way to have the number of kids I should have. I would have 2 pregnancies and two kids.

Yesterday was a very rough day. I don't think I ever cried so much in my life. By last night my eyes were so sore I could hardly look at the computer screen.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dena* 
PLEASE call your therapist tomorrow... They WILL get you in sooner.

Dh's calling me every hour while at work, and has been given my blessing to tell his boss exactly what's going on. My counselor actually did call offering to have me come in 24 hours earlier - 3 minutes after I'd scheduled the funeral home visit around the original appt. (Both are a 45 min drive from here and near each other.) So, tomorrow night it is. And tonight, we'll be with our House Group (church) - the next-best thing.

What is this energy work you mention? I've never heard of it.

*KindRedSpirit*,
I was being totally sincere. And I laid in bed this morning trying to think of a "nice place in my head." All I could come up with is memories of playing with my fish aquarium in jr high - but I went with and had a fun few minutes. Thanks. I'll keep trying.

*The twins topic*: I also craved having twins while pregnant with Judah. I thought that after losing Eden, having twins would kinda make up for it. Since losing Judah though, the thought of carrying twins terrifies me. I don't think my body could do it. But it's still insanely exciting to think of adopting twins!


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Happy Valentines Everyone. Today has been an ok day for me, I've been keeping myself busy. When I think of him I tear up. I'm sure later tonight after the day settles I'll cry for him more. Everyday I still can't believe hes not with us. Ok I'm crying now


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Gratefulbambina - I cry everyday too. I cry at everything. Before Norah died, I didn't cry at all. Now, I'm a faucet. We are not alone with our full term losses. There is another lady -- Dreamweaver, on the ttc board and 3 on the PAL thread (bluewatergirl, apecaut, and Megan73) and two with babies recently (Momajustice and khoasat). It is an uphill battle but I know we can get through this.

Holly - I hope it is better today, I don't have anything else left for you, (((HUGS)))

I would love twins but mainly I want a baby that lives.

Stength and Peace, D.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

an okay day for me....tomorrow is her death day. sunday is her birthday.

i will celebrate her birthday with my dd's and my new granddaughter. i hope it snows. it was snowing when i birthed her.

coincidentally, i am planning a visit for sunday afternoon with a mom i met here who has a 17y/o daughter. i hope she is home.

i will walk through this time. it will not consume me.

i look forward to the weekend so i can just be with the grief without having to deal with life. it feels fraudulent to walk through the world normally right now. i would like to carry a sign stating that i am not what i appear to be.

another day almost done.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

*honeybunch2k8* - How are you doing today?

*Prayingfor12* - How are you? I've been thinking of you today.

*greatfulbambina* -









*namastemom* -









*edie's mom* - I will be praying for you this weekend.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youthpastormama* 
*honeybunch2k8* - How are you doing today?


I am doing better today. Last night I pretty much cried myself to sleep. I woke up with some horrid bags under my eyes.

Last night SO said something about my body which I deemed insensitive. We are having an online chat about it right now. I have also told him that I have been upset with him for awhile. I feel like he's not as affected as I am, maybe that is to be expected.

Thanks for asking. How are you today?


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

I'm doing okay today. I've started doing school again with my dc, so that keeps my mornings full. I've gone back to tutoring (we run a tutoring business from our home), so that takes care of the afternoons. Our kitchen floor is torn up, so that takes care of the evenings.

As far as your SO is concerned, men handle things differently. As hurt and sad as my dh was, he could never know what I felt, and he never will. The baby was living inside of me - and that's a connection that men will never understand.

Hang in there.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

^I also know that he doesn't really want to talk about it at length either. I do try to tell myself that's the way men are, and THANK GOD I can speak with women who understand even if it's not face to face.









I think I know what triggered my sadness. I've started my garden. I find gardening itself therapeutic, but I can't help but to think about how i was planning to pick strawberries from my garden with my baby.

I've really been feeling bad for the thoughts I am having. It's so not like me, I'm not sure if I like who am I becoming.

ETA: I feel amibivalent about my lactation. I one hand I want it to go away, on the other hand it's nice to know that there is something my body has done correctly.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Happy valentines,Mammas. You are my valentines this year.I give my heart to you.

RoseMary-Thinking of you a lot lately, how are you?


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

PrayinFor12 - Energy healing actually refers to a lot of advanced bodywork techniques - my healer's website explains them.

I have to say, I had never even considered adopting twins until you brought it up. The idea made me feel a little flutter of excitement. Huh.

honeybunch2k8 - men do handle things differently than we do. I know my dh does. It is hard for him to talk about Amalie, and talking at length about anything painful, well... but just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they aren't in nine kinds of pain. Sometimes dh won't talk to me because my pain is so raw and huge and he thinks if he shares his he will only be adding to my burden, so he tries to protect me. Guy logic.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Today was largely consumed by dd1's excitement - school party, party with granny, etc. That was good, because it took my mind off the fact that a year ago today was the bloodwork that confirmed my pg and gave us such high HCG levels we were pretty sure we were having twins. Thankfully, the ultrasound on March 1 is the only other anniversary date I remember. Other than the day she died, of course.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Got my first period and the autopsy results today. Happy V-Day to Us!

Hard to make sense of it all, but "fetal death attributed to poor circulation with reduced perfusion of the placenta and the fetus. The increased syncytial knots in the placental villi are indications of either hypoxia or poor maternal-placental perfusion. The short umbilical cord may have augmented poor circulation in the fetus."

I'll make a doc appt for next week after this cycle's bleeding ends. We can talk more specifics then like "what does this mean?" and "when can I try again" and "with two babies with cord issues (dd was born via emergency C with a true knot in her cord) what should I do?...moreso emotionally than physically? Can I truly, sanely try for a live VBAC with this history or will I just worry myself to death? Anyway, I just need to get pregnant before that is even a concern.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
Everyday I still can't believe hes not with us.

I was just sitting on the bed, holding Judah's body, crying. I can sit there, with him in my hands, and still not believe he's not in my belly. I just refuse to believe this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ediesmom* 
it feels fraudulent to walk through the world normally right now. i would like to carry a sign stating that i am not what i appear to be.

It REALLY gets to me that I'm the mother of 2, and to everyone else, I look like a naive newlywed college kid. I am also not what I appear to be, and I hate it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
ETA: I feel amibivalent about my lactation. I one hand I want it to go away, on the other hand it's nice to know that there is something my body has done correctly.

Felt the same after losing my first child.

*Dena*,
Energy healing does look interesting. I think though, if we're gonna try something super-new to us, we'll start with acupuncture. Thanks for the info.
Adopting twins...huh, indeed.
Glad your dd1 had a fun day. Anniversaries stink.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *somanyjoys* 
Got my first period and the autopsy results today. Happy V-Day to Us!

Gosh, no kidding. Happy V-Day!








The wording in the results really clarified a lot of things, didn't it. I'm very hopeful that your doc can explain it for you.









*Me:*
Able to talk/yell/hug/be *itchy with my House Group last night. (sigh of relief) Stayed for over 4 hours. Feeling more stable today. Still lame, just more stable mentally/emotionally. And get this - noticeably less pain so far today!

Taking Judah's body to the funeral home and choosing an urn at 3:45.

Going to first counseling appt at 5:00.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Prayinfor12 thinking alot about you always









Today was actually a really nice day for me. I had 3 of my friends come over this afternoon with their kids and everyone played and chatted. Afterwards me & dh took our two kids to see Enchanted which my daughter sung on the way home the main song in the movie. I would stop and think about him during the day and tell him I wish that he was here.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

PF12, how are you?

This morning I though I felt something moving in my tummy, but I'm sure it was all in my head. I'm tempted to test, but I already know the answer.









I haven't had AF yet, and I'd like to keep it that way.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Checking in.

Holly,I'm glad things are working toward better.Hope your appointments were both peaceful,healing and provided some closure,or at least a place to belong.

Gratefulbambina-Your post brought surprise tears to me.The simplicity of the days moments,and a missing member is SO raw and heart breaking.It is just unbeleivable.He would have had a blast in your arms yesterday.

MammaTerra-thinking of you.

Me-I feel like a mountain with a volcanic head errupting at any given random minute, and a river of blood streaming out into the foothills of my ransacked and abandoned life.The insomnia is not helping,and the hormones are too insane to even have the grip of a rollercoaster.More like random land mines going off,hurting the ones closest to me of course.
For some reason, this period is really bringing out the poet in me.It's starting to annoy me.I've been writing and sketching a ton.Yesterday I drew a picture of a woman with a dripping breast and a dripping yoni, and dd1 who is 6, and the artist among us drew her own.But hers had rivers for arms and legs,and she said it was like me.Wow.She is good.Six.Then she drew a planet that was fully sustained by a bird who fed and cared for everyone on the planet.It was a really simple drawing, but you could totally see the idea.The bird was flying over in the clouds and the dimensions were perfect.She just blew me away.
Another thing that I could only mention here,is that every song I hear is about lossing a baby.every lyric is now so obviously about this.The entire album of U2's Joshua tree is.Every Jimi Hendrix song on Experienced,(Foxy Lady is "lost m' bay-bay")Every song on Bob Marley's Legend.I've started listening to foreign language music just so I can't know the words!By the way, I found a group called Aadawe-amazing!!!!
It's too manic, and maybe I really am going crazy.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

*HB2k8*, I've thought I felt movement too. Hate that.

*KindRedSpirit*,
It's amazing how raw we can be. The imagery you used is good. Things are so hard, often harder than we realized things _could_ be.
But even volcanoes get quiet in time. (Having to wait is lame.)









I've noticed the thing about song lyrics too. Ugh.

Fwiw, feeling crazy is normal when we've been through so much. "Crazy" is when we feel this way and circumstances are _good_. Let that be one less worry on your mind. You're not crazy.

*Me*:
Thanks to each of you who have asked about me.

I held the bundle that had Judah's body in it for about an hour as we drove to the funeral home. I held him against my chest, silently weeping about 3 tears a second the whole way. Having to _physically_ let go of him...God, it hurt. I held him like this as we signed papers and chose an urn, and when it came time to hand him over, I handed him to my husband instead. We had that detail pre-planned. I couldn't hand him over. No freaking way.

We went straight from there to my first counseling appt. Long story short: She gave my husband the assignment of making a phone call to try and get me in to a 2-week, all-day counseling program. That call will be made Monday.

Then we went from there to a church group of about 12 people - half of whom we didn't know. (We went 'cause we've heard tales about this group and knew they'd pray for us.) I sat in a group of people I didn't really know, clutching dh's teddy bear who was swaddled in a baby blanket. And I hardly cared that I was doing it. Anyway, we did get major prayer cover - very very encouraging.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Today Francis would have been a month old







. It hasn't been a good day. My midwife was wonderful support to me tonight. I spoke to her yesterday and didn't expect to hear from her tonight. She said she had thought about me today quite a bit so some connection brought her to call me tonight & I'm so grateful. I will go to bed with some peace tonight.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

gratefulbambina-







.Yay for spontaneous support!

Holly-Busy day!I can't imagine handing your Judah over for the last time.














It seems like it will be very healing to get to look at and hold his little urn whenever you need to though.I've still got my little placenta in my feezer.Not sure what I would have done if it had a body in it.I'm planting the placenta under a tiny red rose bush.
Good to see you blogging again!







Glad to hear more prayers are being added on your behalf.Let us know how the couseling program goes.

Me-thankfully, the blood loss has gone down a bit.I'm a tad less hormonal too.I almost feel like I could fuction again,from hour to hour.Yesterday I ripped out a kitchen cupboard,painted that patch of wall, cut a new cupboard space under the back of the counter,and installed a cupboard door to it.Then I painted a pegboard and put it up by the oven for spices and spatulas,spoons,etc...Ialso painted a couple small book shelves to look cooler.I WAY over did it, and now I'm sore today.But it feels good I feel vital again.Sure,I'm raging all my hormones at dh for not caring or helping so much as distracting the kids...but he's aware I'm hormonal, and oblivious to all else.I get more attention span from ds who is 8!


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Today has been a hard day for me







. This morning my dh wanted to have sex and we started to and I just lost it uncontrollably and we couldn't finish. All I kept thinking about was Francis. I felt so bad afterwards because I made my husband feel bad. I know that he has not been able to grieve out in the open because hes worried about hurting me or having me worry about him. I can't stop crying, this is such constant pain that doesn't feel like it will ever go away.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*gratefulbambina* - ((HUGS)). I know it is so difficult. I'm certain that the pain does not go away but we learn how to incorporate it into our lives so it is not so debilitating. It does take time to learn how to do that. I'm still learning, I think I will be for quite some time. My DH has also not been sharing with me about his feeling just because he thinks it will cause more pain for me. I told him that I would rather share the pain together. Sounds like you have a really great midwife.

*KRSpirit* - wow you have been busy. Your daughter sounds like a budding artist. I don't think you are going crazy, I think you are dealing with your loss the best way that you know how.

*Prayinfor12-*I had a friend who went to the same kind of counseling program, all day for two or three weeks after her full term loss. She said that it was great because it gave her something to focus on--someplace where she could talk about the loss. I really hope you can get into that program.

*HB2k8* - ((HUGS))

Uuugghh. Today is Norah's 3 month angelversary. I can't believe she has been gone for 3 months. I've been having flashbacks of when I was holding her and smelling her hair, tucked up under my chin where I like to hold my babies. It has been a rough weekend. I was sick and DH allowed me to stay in bed for most of the time. I have a really bad cough that just won't get better. I kept falling asleep on the couch and he kept telling me to go to the bedroom. I was falling asleep with kids jumping on my head. I'm just so tired. I guess Norah's 3 month angelversary has effected me in more than one way.

Norah, I love you so much. I wish that you were here with me. I'm sorry that we couldn't meet here on Earth but we will see each other again. I think of you all of the time and love you so much. Love, Momma


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

*KindRedSpirit*,
I'm glad you're atleast doing "less-bad" enough to be able to wear yourself out. You'd think I'd listen to your story though - I totally did the same thing today. My eyelids are nearly plastered to my cheeks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
I can't stop crying, this is such constant pain that doesn't feel like it will ever go away.

I second this feeling. Part of me wants to wallow in it, and part of me is fed up with it and wants to hurl all the grief out the window. (toilet, trash can, mail it to someone else...whatever. I want it to go away.)

*Namaste_mom*,
I love the word "angelversary." The meaning stinks, but that's creative.

Grief seems to have made me sick as well. My last Lyme relapse (first after miscarriage) was exponentially worse than usual. I really hope you feel better soon.

Me:
I was able to get more done today before noon than I've been able to do in a whole week for months. But now my body hurts. Groan.

Dh made the call to try getting me into the 2-week counseling thing. They're checking on insurance and are supposed to call him back - maybe on Tues.

The more I think about it, the more I think the 2-week thing would be wonderful. My stress level is insane. Just in the last 3 1/2 weeks: Miscarriage, D&C, 3 nights in hospital, 5 VE and transvag ultrasounds - 2 by men and this after past abuse, atleast 10 each of anxiety attacks and going into shock, the Lyme put me in 24/7 pain...yadda yadda yadda. Doesn't that seem like a heck of a lot in 3 weeks?!

The 2-week thing could potentially start as early as Monday. Here's hoping.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm turning into a mean person. Today sales associate for an online company decided to try me. Baaaaaaaaaad idea!

I am also becoming more judgmental. I see women bottlefeed infants and think," I would have breastfed, but I guess I don't get a baby."

When I see babies in stroller, I think "Oh well, I would've carried my baby, but I guess I don't get one."

I went to the mall yesterday and the day before to find a job. Now I remember why I haven't been to the mall in a long time-too many babies! I felt like I was going to hyperventilate, and I wanted to run away.










I want to be preggo again. I miss how happy I was and how much I wanted to take care of myself. I've taken two preggo tests, but they were both negative.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

namaste_mom- I'm sorry you had to deal with an anniversary this weekend too. I didn't like using the word anniversary for each milestone, your word angelversary is wonderful.

KindRedSpirit-Sounds like you accomplished alot today. I get like that too, feels easier to wear yourself out like that. Then I usually have a refreshing cry after my adrenaline dies off some.

PrayinFor12-You are on my thoughts quite often, I hope to hear good news about the counseling.

honeybunch2k8-I feel the same way to you. I seem to have alot of anger with pregnant women right now. I feel partially guilty for feeling that way, but mostly I don't like them & thats just the way I'm going to feel right now.

Me-Sad as hell all the time. I felt such at peace after talking with my midwife on Saturday night, but it seems I've been a mess since. We are thinking of getting away on a family vacation in a couple weeks, but it seems that for everything we do I either think Francis should be with us or we wouldn't be doing that if Francis was here. I would give up everything to have him. Also we had found a support group near us that meets every 3rd Thursday and I called today to make sure it was going on this month and they no longer meet. I'm pretty disappointed in this. I think we need it as a couple and was looking forward to going. I think my husband needs help with his grief and I thought this was a possible solution.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

My mother isn't making it any easier.

Yesterday, she found an empty clearblue box. She assumed "I was trying to get pregnant" without even asking. Even if I was trying to get pregnant, that is a normal feeling for women who've miscarried. Would it have killed her to be a little more compassionate? Besides, I dont think it's any of her business. She has already stated that would not help out emotionally or financially. That's ok b/c there's no law stating that she has a right to see her grandbabies.

She keeps trying to tell me about how if i get pregnant OH will leave. Well, I was preggo, and he's STILL HERE!!! In fact, he has hinted that he does want a child.







:

Now when I first told her I miscarried she accused me of getting an abortion. She was also telling me how much a baby would ruin my life bc I'm only 21 and in college. Well, she was 19 when she had me so I guess I ruined her life. How dare she even speak of my baby like that????









I think she has a hard time seeing me as a HUMAN BEING with feelings.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*HB2k8* - it sounds like you mom is having a hard time seeing you as an adult. DH's mom still has a hard time and he is 37. She hasn't cut the strings to you and is still trying to control your life, like she did for the first 18 years. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with her and let her know it is your life. One trick that works with my MIL is to only feed her a little bit of information. We don't tell her everything by far but we give her little bits of information about the kids or something that makes her feel special.
*
Gratefulbambina* - I took angelversary from someone else because I had a hard time figuring out what to call it. I'm not certain I like the word that well but I can't really use any other word because people assume you are happy with an anniversary and we are definitely far from happy. I think if you could away that would be great. Our first trips traveling without Norah were tough, and we were upset that she was not with us. I know what you mean about how easy it is and it shouldn't be. For example, at McD's, my kids are old enough that I dont' need to watch them very much. I had already been daydreaming about how I was going to manage 3 kids at that place. Now, I don't need to do that, it should be that easy. That sounds crazy that I get upset that it shouldn't be that easy. Sorry that the support group no longer meets.
*
Prayingfor12* - Are you having another bad relapse of lyme right now? I really hope you get into the 2 week program. My friend who went through that said it helped so much.

*Me* - glad yesterday is over....


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Norah, I love you so much. I wish that you were here with me. I'm sorry that we couldn't meet here on Earth but we will see each other again. I think of you all of the time and love you so much. Love, Momma[/COLOR]









Lots of virtual hugs, D. I'm thinking of you and Norah.
It's so, so hard that the milestones that should be joyous - Georgia should be turning one on March 1 - are now just so painful because they remind us of everything we've lost.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom;10570708
Uuugghh. Today is Norah's 3 month angelversary. I can't believe she has been gone for 3 months. I've been having flashbacks of when I was holding her and smelling her hair, tucked up under my chin where I like to hold my babies. It has been a rough weekend. I was sick and DH allowed me to stay in bed for most of the time. I have a really bad cough that just won't get better. I kept falling asleep on the couch and he kept telling me to go to the bedroom. I was falling asleep with kids jumping on my head. I'm just so tired. I guess Norah's 3 month angelversary has effected me in more than one way.


Norah, I love you so much. I wish that you were here with me. I'm sorry that we couldn't meet here on Earth but we will see each other again. I think of you all of the time and love you so much. Love, Momma
*
*
*
*
D-I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I think of you a lot and your Norah. I have wept for you and her and what could have been. Glad that her angelverssary has passed for your sake. Please take care.







s and







s. I wish I could hug you IRL!

Praying for 12- I hope with all of my heart that you get into the counseling program. It sounds like it would be really good for you. Take care.

HB2k8- I am sorry that your mom is giving you such a hard time.

Take care,
Jen Fischer*


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

Hugs to everyone here. I don't have time to write individually - dh isn't home and things are a bit crazy tonight - but know that you are in my thoughts.

I pray you all find peace and love at some point during your day.

-Jenn


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Megan - thanks, I need the hugs and appreciate you thinking about me. Have you decided what to do for Georgia's one year milestone?

Jen - thanks, I really appreciate you thinking about Norah and I. It is such a lonely road to walk.

The 3 month milestone was tough and I think about Norah constantly. I smell her and can feel her tucked under my chin. I still think I'm in shock that she is not here. I still haven't reached the true depression that I expect to fall into in the next few months, when the shock wears off. I must sink deeper in order to get out of this black hole.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

namaste_mom-







&







I wish we were holding each other in person right now. I'm so sorry


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## ArtistMama28 (Feb 20, 2008)

This is my first post here, although I've been reading for a while. It's really helped just to know that there are so many women out there who have had similar experiences . . . I don't know exactly what you're going through, but my broken heart sympathizes with yours.

I miscarried at 12 weeks. It was my first child, and although I knew miscarriage was a possibility, the reality was devastating. Everything they give you or tell you about pregnancy is focused on the baby, and preparing for the newborn.

I think I just had my period, and I'm tired of blood. I'm not quite as sad now, but I don't like to see pregnant women smiling, and I don't understand why all the babies around me are still alive and mine isn't. It isn't nice, but it's how I feel.

It has been one of the most difficult times of my life, and the saddest. Even my relationship with my husband, which is the best and strongest in my life, and which I never doubt for a second, has been more difficult. I didn't anticipate that. I also thought I would hear from my family, who were all very congratulatory when I told them about the pregnancy. I know they don't know what to say, but it is still isolating not to hear anything.

I went back to college a few years ago to start my own business, and to continue working as an artist. I'm considering making part of my business dedicated to helping grieving families. If you go to my website, www.bookerstreet.com, there is a very short survey there for those that have miscarried. I'm just trying to find out if anyone would be interested in ceramic memorials, and I'm open to any ideas or experiences people have had.

I know that for myself it has been very helpful to have certain rituals or remembrances to help me work through this. I'm planning a burial, and I write to the baby.

If you have the time, please visit www.bookerstreet.com and take my survey.

Thank you for helping me take it one day at a time, and giving me a place to talk.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

HB2k8,
I've gotten pretty uppity about breastfeeding and strollers too. (Fortunately, I haven't yet seen someone being mean to their baby!)

I also miss wanting to take care of myself. I don't even brush my hair anymore.

I'm sorry your mom's being such a Big Meany. Fwiw, WE see you as a human being with feelings. And we care about you and your feelings.

GB,
I really hope the vacation thing works out and is pleasant. And I'm so sorry about the group. My heart sank when I saw they weren't meeting anymore. That's so lame.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Prayingfor12* - Are you having another bad relapse of lyme right now?

Thanks for asking. I seem to be past the relapse. But I have them monthly, and when they're bad like this one was, the pain doesn't subside until BAM another relapse. So that's where I am now (with the Lyme anyway.)

ArtistMama28,
Welcome to the group. But sorry you have a reason to be here.
Here's hoping that the extra stress between you and your husband only work to strengthen your relationship. In the midst of everything else going on, pay attention to that relationship!
I was also appalled/hurt when my involved family didn't say anything. With both of my babies in fact. Ticks me off thoroughly and I know many of the other women here went through that too.
You're right about the rituals. I think we all have them.
Off to look at your site.
(I'm Holly.)

Me:

Counseling program turns out to be 3 weeks long. Likely to start Monday morning.
Suicidal again yesterday. The pain was way out of hand and I was desperate. Dh sent a mass email to like 150 people telling them how bad things are and asking for prayer. Tons of responses.
MRI scheduled for Friday and I'm pretty freaked about doing it. However, I'm going to either have dh rubbing my feet while I do it, or I'm not doing it - prayers for a benevolent tech please.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm starting to have physical pains.









I felt like my hips got wider. Strange.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Artistmama I'm so sorry for your loss


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

PI12-I'm so sorry for the pain your feeling, I completely understand. I have felt those suicidal thoughts too (you can read in my blog) I've had them everyday since this happened. I have a thought of it once a day, but thats not what is meant to be. I just want you to know your not alone & I'm happy that you are voicing it and your dh seems so supportive and trying to get you the help you need. Peace with you babe.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
HB2k8,
I've gotten pretty uppity about breastfeeding and strollers too. (Fortunately, I haven't yet seen someone being mean to their baby!)

I also miss wanting to take care of myself. I don't even brush my hair anymore.

I'm sorry your mom's being such a Big Meany. Fwiw, WE see you as a human being with feelings. And we care about you and your feelings.

Me:

Counseling program turns out to be 3 weeks long. Likely to start Monday morning.
Suicidal again yesterday. The pain was way out of hand and I was desperate. Dh sent a mass email to like 150 people telling them how bad things are and asking for prayer. Tons of responses.
MRI scheduled for Friday and I'm pretty freaked about doing it. However, I'm going to either have dh rubbing my feet while I do it, or I'm not doing it - prayers for a benevolent tech please.

Thank you








Oh yes, and uppity is defiinitely the appropriate word.

I hope you feel better soon. I hope your counseling helps.

@Artistmama, I have my rituals as well. I like to buybaby stuff. I don't know why but I do.


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

*namaste_mom*









*Artistmama* - I am so sorry that you have to be here. And I am sorry that your family has caused you additional pain.

*Prayinfor12* - Please know that I think of you often, and I am praying for you.

*Honeybunch* -







. I'm sorry you are in pain - both physical and emotional.

*Greatful Bambina* -









Me - okay. Totally re-doing house. What started as a broken dishwasher and replacing kitchen floor has turned in to re-flooring kitchen, dining room, living room, and hallway, and re-painting every room besides dd's and one bathroom.







I'm throwing all of myself into this project - I've paid more attention to paint samples than I ever thought possible. I feel like I'm cleaning everything out.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Welcome *ArtistMama*

*Holly* - so sorry to see that the Lyme is treating you horribly. That sucks. Good luck on the MRI tomorrow. so did you get into the 3 week long program?

*Gratefulbambina* - I read a little on your blog. The feeling are so fresh and raw and resonate with me very much ((HUGS))

*YPmama* - I hope you can keep yourself busy. Its nice to clean everything out once in a while.

*Me* - ok, just sad today, must be the rain.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

This is the place for me now, too. We lost our little angel at 6 1/2 weeks gestation. I found out Monday, at about 11 weeks of my pregnancy. Yesterday I had a D&C. I chose it over miscarrying naturally because of some health issues that I have, and also for many other reasons. The surgery was quick and the care was superb.

But OMG, I am in SO MUCH PAIN in my heart. Not only am I tired from yesterday, but I just have a whole entire ocean of grief and heartache. How will I ever get through all this pain and start living again? One DAY at a time? I can only get through one MINUTE at a time. And with tears running down my face all the time. DH has almost never even seen me cry, after 11 years of marriage.

How do you get through the pain? How do you shuffle through the grieving and find your way again? How do you ladies survive these losses? And losing my baby in the first trimester....that is nothing like as horrible as what some of you, from reading your posts, have endured. My heart goes out to all of you.

I feel so damned empty and cold, just empty. I miss my tiny baby so much, just so much. I saw her/him on the ultrasound early on, just a tiny whisp of a thing with a tiny heartbeat, and then Monday on the ultrasound, he/she had nearly disappeared. The little heart had stopped and the baby was being slowly reabsorbed into my body. It's funny you know, I felt better before the D&C, because the baby's body was still inside of me. I felt like it was buried where it belonged, and I wanted to keep it there forever, just buried under my heart in darkness and quiet. Now that the whole thing is over and the baby is gone, the pain and reality of it, of this death, has broadsided me so hard that I feel like the pain and emptiness is going to make my own heart stop too.

I don't feel like writing anymore. That's it anyway. Please, tell me, how long does it take before the pain is less, even a little less?

Liz


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Freestyler-
_"How do you get through the pain? How do you shuffle through the grieving and find your way again? How do you ladies survive these losses?"_
How do we survive? We get up each morning, put on our clothes and live. You only have two choices 1) not live or 2) live. I choose to live. I choose to believe that life will get better. That doesn't mean that it doesn't suck right now. The pain you are feeling is fresh and intense, it will get less sharp through time but it becomes less because you learn to incorporate the pain into your life. I search for happiness everyday. That doesn't mean I obtain happiness that means I listen for the birds to chirp, I smell the fresh downpour of rain, I read, I look at my children...I try to be happy. Allow yourself time to grieve, it is a process not an instantaneous event.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Freestyler-
_"How do you get through the pain? How do you shuffle through the grieving and find your way again? How do you ladies survive these losses?"_
How do we survive? We get up each morning, put on our clothes and live. You only have two choices 1) not live or 2) live. I choose to live. I choose to believe that life will get better. That doesn't mean that it doesn't suck right now. The pain you are feeling is fresh and intense, it will get less sharp through time but I get it becomes less because you learn to incorporate the pain into your life. I search our happiness everyday. That doesn't mean I obtain happiness that means I listen for the birds to chirp, I smell the fresh downpour of rain, I read, I look at my children...I try to be happy. Allow yourself time to grieve, it is a process not an instantaneous event.

This is beautiful. Thank you for posting this.

Liz, I felt much the same way when I was still carrying Amalie's body - I had her inside me for over three months while my surviving baby continued to grow - and I felt much emptier than I thought possible when I finally birthed them both. Yes, some days more than a heartbeat at a time is too much to ask. So, those days, I focus on surviving one heartbeat at a time. Other days are better.

I apologize, but I don't have the energy or focus today to write more than that. Hugs to everyone. I mostly lurk here, and am thinking about and praying for all of you.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Freestyler, here's a big









How am I getting thru it. I think allowing myself to grieve and cry is what got my thru. I keep a journal, that helps. At first, I spent all my time in bed. I still hurt a lot, but gradually, I have become a little more functional.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Freesyler Right now I'm not in a living mode I'm in a survival mode, that is how I make it everyday. I survive for myself, children and husband.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Holly* - so sorry to see that the Lyme is treating you horribly. That sucks. Good luck on the MRI tomorrow. so did you get into the 3 week long program?

Thanks to all of you that have asked about me or are praying for me.

Yes, that does suck. I'm having grand fun alternating between being suicidal and "just" being depressed. The 3 week program starts Monday. I have a doc appt pre-MRI tomorrow to try to get pain relief and a higher dose of ativan.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *freestyler* 
Please, tell me, how long does it take before the pain is less, even a little less?

Liz

Liz,
Minute to minute is often too much. And you're right - it's not living, it's survival right now.

At some point, you'll unexpectedly catch yourself laughing. Or you'll wake up and think about something besides your baby first thing. Those kind of moments are always just around the corner. They'll happen. You just don't get to know when until you're in that moment.

Meanwhile, don't let yourself end up isolated from your friends. Atleast talk by phone/email. Don't be alone. And give yourself breaks. Whatever _normally_ would make you smile, do that thing(s).

And I understand what you mean about feeling better while the baby's still in your tummy. Me too.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

Just when I think I have gotten past the grief, something else comes up and I just break down again. My sister invited me to a tupperware party, and I am going to spend time with my family and friends that I have not seen in awhile, most of which do not even know I was pregnant before, but I dont even want them to know. My sister invited a lady who is bringing her daughter and her daughter's 2 week old baby. There will also be 2 older babies (6 months) there. I didnt really understand how a tupperware party became a baby party, but oh well, I go back and forth, and invited one of my girlfriends that lives near me that was very supportive during the m/c, and she is going with me. So, I felt better, until my sister tells me about the girl who reminds her of me, right down to the piercing and black hair, and the fact that she is due in June!!!! WTH!?! I was due in June, I was speechless when she was so excited to introduce me to this girl. I dont want to go to this get together anymore, I feel sick to my stomach. I just really need some support to get through this. UGH!

*Prayingfor12:* I have been lurking on this thread on and off since you have been on here. I read your posts and I pray for you. I had very intense moments of suicidal thoughts. I was not myself after finding out the baby had died to the moments before going into the hospital for my d&c, almost a month later. I would flip out in front of my dc and dh. No one understood, I went to my old family doctor and talked with him, and it helped. I had a hard time dealing emotionally, but I also was dealing with the rollercoaster of hormones. I was up and down. I still had the pregnancy hormones, but they were going down, but not fast enough. I was a mess. And when I read your posts, I think how alone and how terrible I felt, and also, how I got and am still getting through it. You and all the other women on this thread are strong women. I know that you will get through this, and if you need someone to talk to I will listen. Take care


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Punkrawkmama, can you just _not_ go? Something I learned in years of IF, not to mention losses, is that sometimes it is OK to give yourself permission not to face something. If you don't think your sister would understand, maybe you could just come down with something that morning. Duplicitous, maybe, but, again, sometimes we just have to be kind to ourselves, and sometimes that means taking the easy way out.

And yeah, grief is a funny thing that way - comes back to bite you on the a## just when you are least expecting it.







:


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

punkrockmama - I hope you get through it...

Holly - tell us how the program is when you get home on Monday.

REally just bumping us up to the top, we were low on the page. Feeling sad this morning because I read of another baby lost. It always makes me sad.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly-praying for you and please update us on Monday.







s







s







s and









Namaste Mom- I am sad today too, finding out about 2 losses here and a mama that I hoped would be having a baby this fall that is no longer. Breaks my heart all over again. Huge







s!

Punkrawkmama - I'd sit this one out. Sometimes it is just mroe than we can bear. We cannot be perfect and emotionless in times like these. I'd skip it.







to you mama!

Welcome to all the new mamas here. I wish you light and love. Please take care!

Has anyone heard from Rosemary?

Love and prayers,
Jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Just bumping us up to the top.

Not much going on with me. The weekends are always sad for me.

Jen - I saw a post from Rosemary recently on another thread.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm starting to feel sad over the gradual loss of my lactation. At least it was something my body did right.

I think my grief has been coming out in other ways. I have nightmares at night and sometimes I have sweats. I also have the strange feeling like I've had a bad dream even if I don't remember exactly what it was.

In all my grief I've fallen waaay behind in a certain class. Great. More stress.

I can't wait to be pregnant again. I continue to horde baby stuff. Today a nursing necklace I ordered came in. Although some may think it's crazy, I've decided since it makes me feel better I'll continue to buy baby stuff.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Conversation with DH last night, we were talking about how tired we were because the night before DD was sick.

Him: So, did you struggle at work today.
Me: [thinking] I struggle every day.

I thought about my comment for the rest of the night and couldn't fall asleep until midnight. It pisses me off that I have to struggle everyday just to stay afloat. He was talking about being tired but I was talking about in general. I struggle every day. It is so tiring. I'm angry that I do have to struggle every day.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Holly Update: I'm in the 3 week counseling thing. Holy COW worn out! It's very hard - requires stamina. But I really truly think it's gonna be worth it. Even my most urgent need, physical pain relief, seems to be getting met somewhat just because I'm so distracted by other things.

I probably won't be on here much over these next 3 weeks. But I'm totally listening to the rest of you.

Still here with y'all. Reading your posts and caring. Just swamped at the moment. Hugs to all you girls.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Holly - I am glad that the program seems like it will be worthwhile for you. Hoping it continues to be good.

Honeybunch - I am a fan of anything that makes me feel better, and to heck with what anyone else thinks. I think buying baby things is great, it is a positive affirmation to yourself that you will have a need for them one day.

Namastemom - the weekends are hard for me too, and I totally agree with you about the struggle. It really sucks that just getting out of bed is such a major project. Every morning I have a few minutes of, "oh, no, not again, not another day."

Me: Saw my therapist Monday. She says I am depressed. Well, duh. She pretty much confirmed that I am doing what I can to deal with it, but that was less than helpful, for some reason. I guess I am not sure what would be helpful anymore, short of rewinding my life by a year and somehow giving Amalie a healthy heart. My mom told me she doesn't know how I would have handled twins. I told her I don't know how I am handling having a baby who died.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Just when I think I'm doing alright, another DDC pops up.

I'm thankful for those pregnancies, but it's a sucker-punch to the gut.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly-Thinking of you and sending you lots of love! Hope the counseling goes well.

Namaste mom-Weekends are bad for me too. Every Friday, I would be another week pg. This Friday would be week 36. I long to be pg again before my darling's due date but I don't feel like it will happen!

Mamabearto4-I have to ignore the DDCs for now. Even when i get a BFP again I do not think I'll go to a DDC. Too exhausting.







s








to all!

Jen


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Hello &







to all. I'm living life and getting by. I don't have much else to say, but wanted to say hi to you guys.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm a little upset at my grandpa. He has been using a chemical around the house that has been linked to miscarriages amongst other maladies. I had asked him not to use it before. (Also, he it doesn't help since I'm gardening organic)









Lately, I've been having really strong urges to be pregnant again. Good news is that I haven't been suffering as much. I try to keep busy. Or sometimes I feel the pain coming and just go to sleep.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*hb2k8* - I'm glad that you are not suffering much, it is so difficult

*gratefulbambina* - Hi, I hope you are getting by

*Jen -* weekends are tough. I so hope this is your month. It would be great for you to be pg before Avery's due date.

*Mamabearto4* - I stay far away from the DDCs also

*Dena* - I wish it wasn't a struggle either, I wish I was complaining because Norah was keeping me up at night but instead, I struggle to make it out of bed. Your therapist appointment did not sound that helpful. Your mom shouldn't have told you that. You would have handled twins just fine...babies are much easier than dealing with their deaths.

*Holly* - I hope this 3 week couseling session is exactly what you needed. I remember my friend telling me how exhausting it was but that she liked it because it kept her busy.

*Me* - I'm here today. Home alone with the kids this weekend. DH is going to be gone on business.

Strength and Peace, d.


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## ArtistMama28 (Feb 20, 2008)

honeybunch - I surprised myself and bought a rug for the nursery a couple days ago. I still can't look at baby clothes though . . . but I'm glad you're doing better. I think I am too.

punkrawk - A coworker of mine is a new dad and it drives me crazy listening to how the baby keeps him awake at night. And when I hear about someone getting pregnant and how excited they are I get choked up. I know that their pregnancy might not have a happy ending, even though I hope it will. I want them to be happy, but I'm jealous. I remember how excited I was. I'm glad you have a friend to go with you, and you don't have to stick around if you're not feeling up to it.

Sometimes I think, at least I had the miscarriage at home with midwives who trusted in my knowledge of my body. At least there's a site like this one without the neauseating blue and pink bears all over it. At least I have a supportive partner. At least I had the time I did with my baby. I wouldn't undo the pregnancy if I could. But still . . .

It does get better. More peaceful.
Thank you all.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

As I drove up to one of my client's offices yesterday, I passed her pg assistant, who was standing outside smoking a cigarrette. My jaw dropped. She smiled and waved as if nothing was wrong.

I just keep thinking about this and it makes me so sad. I know smoking is an addiction and it is hard to beat, but I would think that this incredible gift of new life she has just been handed (she got pg entirely by surprise) would be enough of an incentive for her to quit. I hate being judgmental like this, but then I think of all the mamas I know, both here and IRL, who would give their left arms for the life growing in her womb, and there she is smoking.







:

And of course then I have a little pity party for myself, as, between my age and the fact that we would likely need IVF for another pg, which we really can't afford, it is so highly unlikely that I will ever be pg again, and yet, there she is. It just seems so unfair.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArtistMama28* 
honeybunch - I surprised myself and bought a rug for the nursery a couple days ago. I still can't look at baby clothes though . . . but I'm glad you're doing better. I think I am too.

punkrawk - A coworker of mine is a new dad and it drives me crazy listening to how the baby keeps him awake at night. And when I hear about someone getting pregnant and how excited they are I get choked up. I know that their pregnancy might not have a happy ending, even though I hope it will. I want them to be happy, but I'm jealous. I remember how excited I was. I'm glad you have a friend to go with you, and you don't have to stick around if you're not feeling up to it.

Sometimes I think, at least I had the miscarriage at home with midwives who trusted in my knowledge of my body. At least there's a site like this one without the neauseating blue and pink bears all over it. At least I have a supportive partner. At least I had the time I did with my baby. I wouldn't undo the pregnancy if I could. But still . . .

It does get better. More peaceful.
Thank you all.

I know a lot of pregnant women or women with brand new babies, from dd teacher to the neighbors, so it seems like I am ALWAYS buying baby things. It is hard for me to look, especially the cloth diapers I bought dd teacher, I kept thinking they should be for my new LO.

I went to the party, and I ended up with a severe case of baby fever! My mom told me I need to wait awhile longer, that kinda hurt my feelings. The pregnant girl didnt show up, so it wasnt too bad, and actually it was a nice girls day out for dd and me.

I wouldnt undo the prior pregnancy either. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, things seemed right. Also, this may sound weird, but after suffering through a m/c, I have become more sensitive and caring to others who have gone through a loss. It really hit me with this m/c, before I never really thought of it, now, I cant stop, and I understand what other's who have been here went/go through.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dena* 
As I drove up to one of my client's offices yesterday, I passed her pg assistant, who was standing outside smoking a cigarrette. My jaw dropped. She smiled and waved as if nothing was wrong.

I just keep thinking about this and it makes me so sad. I know smoking is an addiction and it is hard to beat, but I would think that this incredible gift of new life she has just been handed (she got pg entirely by surprise) would be enough of an incentive for her to quit. I hate being judgmental like this, but then I think of all the mamas *I know, both here and IRL, who would give their left arms for the life growing in her womb, and there she is smoking*.







:

And of course then I have a little pity party for myself, as, between my age and the fact that we would likely need IVF for another pg, which we really can't afford, it is so highly unlikely that I will ever be pg again, and yet, there she is. It just seems so unfair.

Yep. I can't help but think of women I knew who smoked during pregnancy. Of course, if I eat right, don't smoke or drink I don't get a baby.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *punkrawkmama27* 









I
I wouldnt undo the prior pregnancy either. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, things seemed right. Also, this may sound weird, but after suffering through a m/c, *I have become more sensitive and caring to others who have gone through a loss.* It really hit me with this m/c, before I never really thought of it, now, I cant stop, and I understand what other's who have been here went/go through.

Me,too. I can't help but think if I ever said something insensitive to someone who m/c.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

That thing about this being unfair is SO TRUE.

This'll sound like I'm trying to compete with y'all, but I swear I'm not. Try this for unfair: Among the stresses we have now, my physical illness trumps Judah. Seriously. How the heck did things get bad enough that something else can trump the pain of losing my BABY?!

The counseling thing is going well. Things are still very bad, but I have hope now. That counts for something. 2 weeks to go.

(Oh, hey - my pain level hasn't hit "severe" all week. Rare. And good. God's doing something!)

Busy but eavesdropping.
hugs.


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