# Help me understand my territorial toddler



## cutekid (Aug 5, 2004)

Hello ladies,
I have been trying to use gentle discipline with my Nathan. But there are something I need help understanding. Nathan is very territorial. He doesn't like to see my DF and I touching (Hugging kissing, giving masages). He usually does one of two things, he gets me to nurse him, or he'll throw a tantrum in the floor. My DF is on the brink of loosing it. This has been going on for a month or so and its becoming difficult for us as a couple. Aside from being possesive of me and gotten really nasty about his things.

For example: Today we had company. This was the first time that we'd had another toddler over at our house. This toddler has been a playmate with Nathan since nathan was about 9 months old. Today, every time the other toddler touched one of nathan's toys, Nathan immediately took it away from him. The other mother and I tried to involve both of the boys in playing with things but Nathan would have none of it. He started having a tantrum and throwing things. The other toddler was clinging to his mother and I was embarrassed. I honestly didn't know what to do. I had very little warning he would react this way. He's had one other time where another toddler touching his toys wasn't something he wanted. At the time I thought it was just a fluke.

In general I'd like to know how as a mother I can cope with Nathan's behavior and how I can help Nathan cope with certain situations. I already can see that playgroups at my house aren't going to happen . I do know that sharring isn't something that toddlers know how to do and is something they develop later on. I also don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I don't have any advice for you. sorry








I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a wonderful, compassionate mama.

Hmmm. about the possesiveness around df, my first thought was if anything has happened in the last month that might have made ds worry that you would stop paying attention to him, caring about him, I don't know. I'm sure any tiny thing can bring about these feelings and behaviors. The only thing I can say is to try to understand what he's feeling, and go from there. I know, easier said than done, right? lol

Sorry, but keep your chin up. this too shall pass...


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

My DD is 2-1/2 and is very possessive of me lately. I think it's just a phase. (I hope so anyway!) DH is very affectionate and we touch a lot, but if I try to hug him or anything lately, DD says "No! That's _my_ mommy!" Then DH tries to explain that I am _his_ wife. "No - _my_ wife" has been the response lately. Of course, I haven't been able to convince her that my breasts are actually part of my body either. Still working on it.

DD hasn't been unbarable about it yet though. It is frustrating so I feel for you and your DF. How old is Nathan? At our toddler group, we have parent education about development and apparently around 3 years it's really common for kids to have separation anxieties again for a while because they are still realizing they are separate from mommy and becoming more independent. Our DD always seems to be "early" on these disequalibrium phases.

Tonight we were reading books together as a family on the couch. We had two new books which DH was _not_ allowed to read. They were _Mommy's_ books. But DD also wanted to nurse. After I read each book two times, it was OK for Daddy to read them to her while we nursed. Go figure.









As for the toys thing? Possessiveness is pretty much normal for toddlers. I try to think of it like the phrase "Possession is 9/10ths of the law" because toddlers think if they have it, it's theirs. And if they can take it, it must be theirs.

DD isn't super territorial with toys, though she did try and take something at least 4 times from a 3 yr. old boy who visited us yesterday. It seems to help if I can stay calm and try to explain that it still belongs to her, but he's using it now, and will give it back in a few minutes.

Another mom I know has a toddler play group over about once a month. She has her daughter (2-1/2) pick up any toys she doesn't want to share before guests arrive. Then she is reminded throughout the evening that she chose the special toys to keep in her room and that the other toys are for sharing tonight. Her DD is very aggressive, and does become possessive of stuff at these gatherings, but the instances don't usually last long or become a tantrum. But pretty much every kid at the gatherings will get possessive and cranky about some toy at least once during the evening.

I hope you get some good advice from the mamas here. I'll be interested to see what other people's experiences have been with possessive toddlers as well. Especially the possessiveness of Mommy.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

OK, I just noticed that Nathan must be almost 17 months? I found the age of about 16 - 20 months to be very difficult because DD had a lot of separation anxiety.

There is some interesting developmental timeline information on www.talaris.org I've found useful. They say that 12-18 months is normal for kids to experience strengthening of separation anxiety in theory because they are bonding closer to their caregivers and see their absence as a threat.

They also noted that at 15-24 months, babies become self-aware and are experiencing "new emotions like embarrassment, envy, and empathy."

I think the two of those combined could help create a possessiveness of Mommy.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

hi i just wanted to add that ive seen this happen many times before, and that it takes experience and age to learn how to share our own things. If this the first time anyones been over, just explain to other mommies how ds is still learning and that you would like to have more playdates to help him learn. As you have more children to your house, his stress over sharing should ease up a little. In general children that age dont really understand the concept of sharing anyway, some temperaments are just more easy going, and your ds is just not







...... it happens. My ds is four and has a four year old friend who has a very hard time sharing his things, but I understand, the little boy is very sensitive.


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## MyrDawn (Nov 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angela&avery*
hi i just wanted to add that ive seen this happen many times before, and that it takes experience and age to learn how to share our own things. If this the first time anyones been over, just explain to other mommies how ds is still learning and that you would like to have more playdates to help him learn. As you have more children to your house, his stress over sharing should ease up a little. In general children that age dont really understand the concept of sharing anyway, some temperaments are just more easy going, and your ds is just not







...... it happens. My ds is four and has a four year old friend who has a very hard time sharing his things, but I understand, the little boy is very sensitive.

I agree. Learning to share is part of kids growing up. They aren't born knowing it. The other toddlers mothers should understand that, or will soon when their child starts.

I helped my DD learn to share by "practicing" sharing with her when she was going through that stage, as I did with my older children. I'd let her hold something of mine she was interested in, like one of my millefleur paperweights, if she'd let me hold something of hers. She learned that way there are benefits to sharing and she quickly became more willing to share.


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## cutekid (Aug 5, 2004)

I have done a lot of thinking about nathan's behavior since yesterday and I don't think its a good idea for me to stop playgroups at our house. He is for the most part and only child so the only exposure to "sharing" situation with another child would be in those playgroups.

I do think that my friend understood what Nathan was going through. I just felt sorry for her son. He's the quiet cautious toddler where as my son can seem like H*LL on wheels.

As for Nathan's jealousy towards his dad, I think that is rooted in the fact I have to go to class several times a week. He doens't like to see me leave. I have tried several things to ease seperation anxiety. I tell good bye, and where I am going. I also drop everything once I get in the door to spend time with Nathan. I tell him about class and how much I missed him and I am glad to be back.

Thanks everyone for the insight


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I feel your pain, when it is your kid doing this and the other one seems to be fine. However, realize that this is one moment in time, and it is developmentally correct behavior for your child. Try to use lots of positive messages and play acting to help him. He is quite young right now, and it might take a while for him to develop the necessary language to understand what you are talking about. Play dates in the park or at the mall play places or walks are good for getting through this stage.

Hang in there. I had this happen with my dd, and always felt terrible when she did it with her one little playmate who was so sweet. However, now her little friend is going through it now, and it feels much better to see it in somebody else's child for a change!


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