# Anyone feeling bad when someone else is pg?



## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

And then feeling bad 'cause you're feeling bad? Seriously....I had two m/c back to back over the Holidays. I am taking a break from TTC to get my body back in shape, or whatever it needs, I don't know. Everytime I go somewhere, someone is happy pregnant, OR unhappily pregnant and whining about it (and it's those people I'd like to kick!). I am finding myself avoiding places where I know pg women will hang out (in front of "that" store in the mall, etc...), which is a problem because I also volunteer at an organization where there will DEFINITELY be pg women. <<sigh>>

Today has been a hard day with all this. Grief has definitely been hiding and has now reared its ugly head.

So....there it is.


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## widdlelou (Feb 28, 2006)

I'm so sorry today was such a hard day. Its amazing how those days or moments just come out of the blue and smack us upside the head. I dont have such a hard time seeing pregnant women (unless its a pregnant women who is doing something stupid like smoking!! that drives me batty). But I have a harder time looking at a mom with a new one, espeically a little nursling. Maybe its because that is the part I loved most. I was one of those miserable pregnant women during quite a few parts of my pregnancy (the first one -- the successful one). We live by freakn' Disney World so they are everywhere around here, and then I see them at the park when I take my daughter to play group and its just miserable. There was one jsut yesterday and my daughter was totally obsessed with the lady and the small babe and I kept having to back there over and over and by the end of hte day I was wiped and sad and angry and the whole nine yards.


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## kerilynn (Sep 9, 2005)

Yes I do
The worst part is I have to have all my appt's about the m/c in the same office as all the pregnant women and women with their 6 week olds coming in for their checkups

I have been there so many times in the last 2 days, I am an emotional wreck.


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## deleria (Mar 8, 2004)

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I remember when a friend and I found out we were pregnant within a day of each other. I miscarried, then she did a few weeks later. We started to TTC right away while she had to wait a few months (molar pregnancy). When she got the green light to TTC, we were still unsuccessful. She got pregnant right away. I ran myself a bath and cried, then cried some more because I felt terrible for not being happy for her.

I think it's perfectly normal and healthy to acknowledge those feelings and honour them. It's part of the journey to heal from our losses. I know it certainly helped me to tell myself it was okay to feel badly for a while. You have that right, too


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh my god, don't I know just how you are feeling!!! Isn't it awful to acknowledge that jealousy????

This is my second loss, and I just can't think about TTC again. I need to get myself into better physical shape, mostly to feel better about myself. And I need emotional space form TTC - my family needs me to be me again for a bit. TTC is all-consuming, you know.

But in the meantime, I am a pediatrician. For goodness sake, what was I thinking? Here I am, dealing with new moms and babies every day. And I have a friend due just a few weeks after my first lost angel would have been arriving. It's so hard to look at her. So hard. It's not that I am not happy for her. I am absolutely, horribly jealous. There. It's out. And I know she understands, but I can't help but feel terribly about my feelings. Pregnant people are stalking me some days!

But I know that the intensity of these feelings will fade. They will. I have some days where I can genuinely smile at the sweet little babies, happy for the new family. I do love seeing babies, that hasn't changed. The happiness is mixed with sorrow, though. For now.

Eventually it will get better, but I will never forget. Life will never be the same, and that's just the way it is.

Take care. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. It's my hope that it will, for each of us.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kerilynn* 
Yes I do
The worst part is I have to have all my appt's about the m/c in the same office as all the pregnant women and women with their 6 week olds coming in for their checkups

I have been there so many times in the last 2 days, I am an emotional wreck.


I was in your shoes last week- waiting for my u/s a week ago, in that waiting room filled with big bellies. I just wanted to die. I had my knitting bag wiht me, and just tried to keep my eyes focused downward on the knitting, and keep my tears off the wool.

So sorry.


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## BallBaby (Oct 25, 2006)

To the OP, I just did the same thing with 2 mc back to back over the holidays. It was not fun.

My sister, My cousin, my other 2 cousins, my business partner and about 10 ladies at my church has all gotten pg in the last 6 months through all this. It hurts a lot.

The only thing I can do to help my hurt is do nice things for them. Sounds silly, but my best friend had 3 mc in a row and 2 times with twins (once a week apart on the twins mcing) and she told me the only way she survived it and remained sane was to do nice things for all the pg people she knew (including me at the time). So, I'm doing that and hoping it will help. It isn't yet, but I'm not giving up.

But, it does, it hurts a lot. I just wish I could move through this and be entirely happy again, kwim?


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## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

The hardest thing for me is that NO ONE (except here) talks about m/c and how one feels afterwards (well most of the people who talk around me, shouldn't be....they hurt more than help anyway). No one prepares you for the heartache and pain when you see other pg women and those with new little ones! No one prepares you for the insane jealousy and intense anger towards women who complain about pg "pains". I'd LOVE to be nauseous, I'd LOVE to have groin pain, at least I'd be getting a baby out of it! My cousin is pg right now. When we miscarried the second time, my MIL told us about HER being pg. <<smack>> Seriously. Granted, she was going through a tough time...At first there were triplets, then only twins and now only one is left. But you know what my first MEAN thought was, "What the f is she complaining about, SHE'S STILL PG!" Of course, I recognize that it was mean and spiteful, but geez....Bad timing to tell me about it.

<<sigh>> It's been a hard couple of months. It's hard to think about TTC again, b/c really, I have no idea what happened with those two. Hormones? Probably. But I guess my main point in my OP was to just to say, geez, I am feeling bad. I don't even want to go see my OB b/c I know I'll just be surrounded with HAPPY pg people.

I agree, I'd like to feel normal again, whatever that means.


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## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

So what sorts of things does one do? To cope, to feel better, I mean. I like the helping idea that someone mentioned. What else? What have you all done?


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

For me...it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant. It seems I can' t go anywhere without someone being pregnant AND they all seem to me, to be about how pregnant I *should be*, kwim? It sucks.

I feel bad, but I think that's naturally. I'm not upset at them or anything, and thankfully, noone I know personally is pregnant right now. But if it does happen, I'll be happy for them and pray that what happened to me doesn't happen to them. That scares the heck out of me now. I was naive about miscarriages and still births before my baby's loss, and now I know all too well how real and how unpredictable it can be. This loss has changed who *I* am in more than ways than can be counted.

HUGS sweetie...I have bad and good days too...


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *naerae_30* 
So what sorts of things does one do? To cope, to feel better, I mean. I like the helping idea that someone mentioned. What else? What have you all done?


Ben and Jerry's

Seriously. It helps! And the knowledge that things will get better. Someday.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

Oh thank you for starting this thread. It is so much easier to see how of course it makes sense when it is someone else and that reminds me that is the case for me too.

For whatever reason, I am okay with other people being pregnant EXCEPT the ones that are due around my little one's former due date







(just typing that is making me tearytearyteary).

Yesterday I saw a woman I know who was ttc when we were and then got pg about the same time. It *used* to be so exciting. I saw her from behind at first and totally avoided her, but she didn't look pg from that angle and I am very sorry to say I felt a little excited and relieved. Then I saw her again a little later and saw the clear bump and felt disappointed. Blech. Somehow it was going to make it more okay if it didn't work for her either, but I just want to say I don't REALLY wish m/c on anyone, and certainly not her. It is part of the grief reaction but I don't have to dig deep to open my heart to her. Even if it hurts I want an open heart.

Ways to cope? Probably just a sign that we are still grieving. We need time to cry sometimes, talk, and be easy on ourselves.


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## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

_Somehow it was going to make it more okay if it didn't work for her either, but I just want to say I don't REALLY wish m/c on anyone, and certainly not her._

I totally understand what you are saying. I feel embarrassed even feeling this way though.







I guess it's the ugly part of grieving....

Ben and Jerry's...yeah, I have already been through Cherry Garcia AND Cookie Dough....within two days of each other. Oh, AND Mud Pie Mojo from Coldstone Creamery.







<<sigh>>

Speaking of eating, I lost 70 pounds in the last couple of years to "get myself healthy" and I lost the last 30 of it in preparation for another pregnancy. I "thought" it would make for an easier and healthier pg. Right. My body crapped out on me, TWICE!

At least Spring is coming. I could smell it in the air yesterday. It was nice!


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## widdlelou (Feb 28, 2006)

I think for me. The only way I'm able to somehow move on in my life is by celebrating life. I hve to, I can't let my self dwell on this death, it was starting to overtake me. So I'm lucky and I have a dd. And she is so full of life, and when I feel the worst, when I am so sad and just not wanting to think about life, I take her outside of the house. To the backyard or to a park or to a store. And I celebrate her and the life around me. I have been drawing a lot of strenght from being outside. Its amazing how much life you can feel out there. The trees the flowers everything. And then when I need time to be sad, I honor that. I take it, if people don't understand I make them. I need to celebrate life, but I can't forget what happend to me b/c I have another one. But I have to balance out the grief. And I have to fill my time. If i'm home with nothing to do, thats when it hits me most, the overwhelming grief. The depression. So I've made appointments iwth myself to do things. Even if it means breaking up my shopping trips to the grocery.


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## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

I got an invite to a baby shower today. A close, close friend of mine is due in a week or so.

Yes, I love her. Yes, I am happy for her. Do I want to go to the baby shower? Hell no.

Widdlelou, thanks for your thoughts above. It really helped.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

s

I've dealt with that during my past infertility and it's increased after my loss. Its been years since I've been comfortable being around pregnant women and woman with small babies. I was on a flight last week and there were pregnant women everywhere and I felt so trapped. Lately I've been writing my feelings down in a small journal then writing about manifesting what I want and how I feel around it. I didn't get rid of all the pain (especially since I was 35,000ft in the air w/no place to go!) but it did lessen the blow.

I have a good friend who is pregnant now, but because I know so much about her (she had a similar loss) I don't feel the same way. Everyone else, especially strangers is off-limits. I don't think I can ever walk into a baby store or boutique again, look at maternity clothes, attend a baby shower or anything like that again. It feels like my innocence is lost.


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## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

I agree, widdlelou, that's why I love Spring! It helps to see life beginning again around me, to smell GREEN in the air. I love it! Today the sun is shining and it is beautiful! I live in the Midwest and sun on a winter day is rare, indeed!

Baby shower...wow. That would be very difficult. I'll be sending positive vibes in your direction!

Loss of innocence, yes, I understand.









Renée


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!
























I think all parents who have lost a baby do on some level.

Unless the pregnant woman has lost a baby I have a really hard time with it until the baby is born and I get to know them. It takes a long time.

It's totally normal to feel angry, jealous and bitter about it.


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I get very upset. DH and I have very good friends who were in childbirth class with us, and we all work together, and they now have an almost-2-year-old- exactly the age our son should be. It is hard to see their daughter and know that our son is supposed to be going through the same stages that she is.


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## mummamilk (Jul 15, 2003)

"The hardest thing for me is that NO ONE (except here) talks about m/c and how one feels afterwards (well most of the people who talk around me, shouldn't be....they hurt more than help anyway). No one prepares you for the heartache and pain when you see other pg women and those with new little ones! No one prepares you for the insane jealousy and intense anger towards women who complain about pg "pains". I'd LOVE to be nauseous, I'd LOVE to have groin pain, at least I'd be getting a baby out of it! "

These are my feelings too. It has been more than 17 years since I lost my first baby. The pain is still there. I had my children when I was younger. Most of my friends are having babies now. It hurts like hell. I want to be so happy for them yet I'm so jealous.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

It doesn't even have to be a pregnant woman IRL, I saw 'Knocked Up' and had no idea it would trigger the massive grief episode I'm currently muttling through. The movie was suppose to be funny and I left the theater holding back tears.

A baby shower? Forget about it. Of course I'm happy for the women who are pregnant but I know that I just wouldn't be able to make it through one.

And no, no one talks about how bad m/c really is! I used to know women who were very sensitive to other people's pregnancies because they'd lost their own and I thought "How selfish that they can't be happy for someone else!"... and now I am here and know this intense pain, now I know.

Worst of all... We found out the baby had no heartbeat at a Saturday appt. They checked with a doppler and then had us do an u/s. The next day some of dh's co-workers called to tell us they just found out they were pregnant, it hurt so bad.
Dh came home the other day and said they'd been to a prenatal appt and the dr couldn't find the heartbeat with a doppler so they sent them to get an u/s... but everything was okay. For some reason that was like a knife, why tell me that at all???? Rub it in that that's not how it happened for me...







:

I don't know what it takes to make it better... I'm in counseling and think trying again would help for me but don't have that option... I don't know what else


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## flwers4me (Jun 11, 2007)

i agreee with so many of you. what i do to get through is live for the day. what if anything else, this has tought me of how precious life is and that it can be taken from us at any moment. i thought i was fine, going for a routine exam and a couple days later i'm in full blown labor at 5 months with my twins and knowing they have no chance at survival. there is somethihng wrong with that picture. I, like many of you will never be the same. I am a very different person since that dreaded day. Now, i spend too much time and money on my garden, it looks like a damn magazine spread out there. what i will do when winter gets here, i have no idea. if i want to have a few too many drinks one night, i do it. if i need a couple after a bad days of work, who cares then too!!! We are booking vacations and things. i'm making sure i'm staying busy and leading this life to the fullest. I won't even go there about shopping.....


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## kennethsmommy (Mar 30, 2007)

i had to post to this. i READ ALOT here, but i dont post much on here. I have had many miscarriages, (and we are currently TTC) i found it very hard to be happy for other pregnant women. the worst was about a year ago, i found out 2 of my friends were preggy, then found out I was! i miscarried.







they had healthy, beautiful children.







i see them often. those children are growing and thriving. and it was hard. UNTIL My BESTFRIEND got pregnant after 10 years of praying for a baby. Her happiness and love for being pregnant made all of those "hard feelings" go away. She has had her baby, and I cherish being able to see her learn first hand what motherhood is all about. If anything, ALL of my miscarriages have made me appreciate my son, and other (good) mothers more. As we are ttc now, i have had fears of more miscarriages. but i have accepted that its not in my hands anymore. I gave it to God, he knows what i need. and will provide. i am thankful for all the women who have posted to this. Miscarriage seems like a bad word, no one wants to talk about it. I have had people say that atleast my baby wasnt "really alive"!







:







: all of my babies were alive at one point. they ARE VERY real to me. i will never forget them. i have made it a point to talk about it, miscarriage shouldnt be so "hush, hush" . lets talk about it people!!!!


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

I was one of the first this woman at Church told. She was one of the group who brought us food after the delivery. She was newly pregnant, not even 3 months along. Why did she tell me? Like I could have anything positive to share at that moment? I think it helps that I have a daughter already, that I'm still in the mommy club. I lost a baby, but I've had one that grew up. I lost my first to SIDS, and had NOTHING to show for it. I didn't tell her about the first loss.

I was 7.5 months along, and I don't think most people got that part. I think a few didn't even know that I was pregnant. Of course they are pretty dense, 'cause I definitely looked pregnant. I'm a big girl, sure - but not THAT big. I didn't make a big deal about it, 'cause I don't really hang out with people at Church, and in years past I didn't find out women at Church were pregnant until they had big old bellies (and they are kinda petite).


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## GreenAmber (Sep 29, 2006)

I'm struggling with this issue again now. It has been 9 months since I had a m/c. There were 4 of us in my neighborhood due around the same time. The other 3 babies are doing great (thankfully!). Three of us moms have been hanging around together quite a bit for the last 2 years. One was trying to conceive in a specific month, I was talking about having a second child, and the third woman wasn't planning yet but said, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we all were pregnant at the same time!". Well, it was great fun, until I lost mine. They were mostly pretty sensitive and gentle with me throughout their pregnancies. But now the babies are here and I still am having nasty feelings towards the moms. Being around the babies is fine! I can hold them and look at them and feel ok. But I really don't want to be around my friends anymore. All of those feelings are greatly helped by the fact that I am pregnant again now.







: But still I can't seem to get past being mad at my friends. I think if they talked about my loss or asked me how I was doing it would go along way, but they don't.

I appreciate the idea of being kind and doing things for the women I'm jealous of, but really I just don't want to even think about them. Earlier on I was helped by the advice to just stick on a smiling face and be gracious around pregnant women. I did that and I took food when the babies came, and I helped out with the older children. I don't want to loose friends over this. But I don't know how to get unstuck. I just feel like being nasty.

Advice?


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## mizznicole (Feb 13, 2007)

i have to admit that i get miffed at the first-time moms that didn't have to go a m/c. and also the ones that don't get morning sickness. i shouldn't want anyone to go through what we have, but i also wish more people would be more understanding. the worst women that i dealt with were in my own family, who never had a m/c and had the worst advice/words of "encouragement" you can imagine. i try to talk about it when i can because i want people to have more awareness of what m/c is and how it affects people. through this i have found many other people who have gone through it, and i think that's a good thing. i've discovered that almost every family of 4 or more has had at least one (we're catholic, so we know a lot of these!). i try not to focus on my bitter feelings, even while i'm in the midst of a healthy pregnancy now. trying to support women going through this horrible experience is a good way to turn my still negative feelings into something positive.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

I am about 3 months after my miscarriage and I have a friend at our homeschooling group who was due about the same time that I was. It is so hard to see her and her beautiful belly every week. Some days I have to go and sit in the bathroom and cry because I just can't handle it. I am a LLL leader and I find it really hard to run meetings, talk to preg moms and help mommas with new little ones. I also have 3 other friends who are newly pregnant. I want so much to be happy for them but it is so hard! I too am going to therapy and I think this is helpful. My dh keeps telling me that we will again have a little one in our lives some day. I want to believe him but some part of me is afraid to hope.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I have been eyeballing this thread but couldn't bring my self to click on it until today.

We have 4 m/c under our belts and have recently decided not to try again. We are blessed with a son but it just breaks my heart to know he will be the only one.

This is mostly due to our ages but not wanting to go through another emotional and physical rollercoaster does play into the decision, which makes me feel weak.

I was recently at a wedding shower and listened to a casual pregnant friend complain about how miserable she feels and that the timing of her 3rd child "just really doesn't work for us" I wanted to slap her face. There, I said it.


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## naerae_30 (Mar 12, 2005)

Yeah, I hate to hear people complaining about an inconvenient pg or hating pregnancy. I just want to shake them. Or those people who ask, so why are you waiting so long to have more (we have an almost 3 yr old)? When I have told people I miscarried twice, I actually had someone respond with "Oh, I'm 6 months pg, isn't that nice?" <<smack>>

I, too, am involved in an organization where I am constantly around pg and nursing mothers. It kills me in many ways. I feel my body shutting down.

Guess I am trying to take care of myself and feel healthy again. I dealt with my m/c by eating everything in sight. Eep.

Thanks to all of you who are here....
Renée


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## blissful_maia (Feb 17, 2005)

You are so brave to recognize and talk about these feelings. I have had them before, and felt so horrible for not being happy for/resenting the people in my life who were blessed with pregnancies when I lost mine. It's a real feeling, and it deserves to be spoken about.


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## Whittliz (Oct 5, 2006)

Yes, that's me too......I feel horrible that I try to avoid something I'm working so hard to achieve. (Does that make sense?)







: It's especially hard when it's a close family member/friend. So glad to know that I'm not alone.


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## AuroraBorealis (Jun 27, 2007)

I am so sorry. I have been married 2 years and have lost 2 children in miscarriages. The week I miscarried, two sisters called to announce they were pregnant. I had to hand the phone immediately to my husband.
There is no way that people can make it better. Doctors tried to make me feel better by telling me it is common. I don't think that is effective, I would never wish it on anyone. People said the cruelest things that made me literally sick when I had to tell. But being able to talk about the m/c with my dh helped. He was crushed as well, but talking and not isolating eachother was what got us through it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all that have had this happen


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## AuroraBorealis (Jun 27, 2007)

I was recently at a wedding shower and listened to a casual pregnant friend complain about how miserable she feels and that the timing of her 3rd child "just really doesn't work for us" I wanted to slap her face. There, I said it.[/QUOTE]

Amen







: People should be taught etiquette again.
Miscarriages where very very physically painful for me. Is that the same for everyone? And Kennethsmommy I totally agree. All 3 of my babies are real and will always be mine. They are not a "dry run" for your body as I was told by some people.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

I always feel bad when someone else is pregnant. It reminds me of the fact that others seem to get their kids so easily and that I may never have any more kids! *sigh*

I try to avoid seeing pregnant women whenever possible.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

You're SOOO not alone. My last miscarriage was over 2 years ago, and I have my beautiful DD now, but I still get upset and bitter towards certain people getting pregnant. Not everyone (I guess I have this awfully selfish list of people and types of people who are "okay" in my mind to get pregnant...like people who know the struggle or have been trying for a long time), but people like my unmarried SIL with an "oops" baby (although I don't consider ANY baby an "oops") or my cousin's wife who got pregnant on the first try...both of those people have NO idea what it's like to have to TRY to conceive and/or to lose what you tried so hard for and want more than anything in the world.

I feel like a terrible person for feeling so bitter and angry inside just because there are naive people out there...but it's not like I WANT people to have to experience m/c just so they can understand. In fact, I'm not sure what it is exactly that would make me feel better, what they'd have to do or "prove" to me, KWIM? But I'm hoping that this will all ease up over time (although if it's still here after 2 years, I have to wonder if I just need to "get over it").


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1babysmom* 
I feel like a terrible person for feeling so bitter and angry inside just because there are naive people out there...but it's not like I WANT people to have to experience m/c just so they can understand. In fact, I'm not sure what it is exactly that would make me feel better, what they'd have to do or "prove" to me, KWIM? But I'm hoping that this will all ease up over time (although if it's still here after 2 years, I have to wonder if I just need to "get over it").









I had a really bad day, today. I'm quitting church, mostly because I just can't stand being an usher. I can't stand seeing these 2 pregnant women at church, and who knows when someone else will pop up, pregnant. I don't want to be around pregnant people, or other mothers, at ALL. I had to run away today, when one person at church told the very obviously expecting woman congratulations, I just couldn't STAND it!


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Anyone out there?


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Anyone else? What do I do? How do I stop feeling this way?


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## nicksmom03 (Nov 12, 2005)

tessamimi - I'm posting so yours won't be last







I honestly don't know how to get over this feeling. For me it never completely went away. I miscarried 10 years ago following several years of infertility and it was tough for me to be around pg women for a long time (years). I finally remarried, adopted a child and then miraculously conceived a baby naturally a few years later. My baby is 2 1/2 now and I just had my second miscarriage. I'm going through all those feelings all over again. Actually this time, I don't want to be around anyone, not just pg women. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even after becoming a mom it was and still is hard for me. It's been a long struggle with me,a huge part of my life unfortunately.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Yep yep. My best friend had 2 months to go on her pregnancy when Lasius died. It was very hard but knowing she was having a girl made it just bearable for me to be around her and not increase her fears about her baby dying because mine did.

Found out my doula had gotten pregnant while being a doula for me. And it felt like every where I turned a pregnant belly popped into my face. It was a bit sickening to have to plaster on the 'yay I'm so proud congrats!' Rather than be the grim reaper-like woman who says 'don't get too excited. your baby could still die.' That is much more my attitude then and still a bit now.

My doula I had with Lasius just had twin boys a week ago. I could not see her during her pregnancy because it was far too hard for me. She understood. But when they came home from the birth center (less than 24 hours old) I did hold one of them for a good 45 minutes. I cried on my way home. But it also helped me realize that MY baby didn't squirm and squeak at all. Only when he was on the vent would he twitch and open one eye.

Holding one of her babies was a totally different experience. Squirming and squeaking and scrunching up his face like I was the freaking devil when he opened his eyes and looked at me.







I had NO CLUE what to do with him. His faces scared me thinking I did something wrong. Her babes were 5'3oz and las was around 5 pounds so it was a shock to see JUST how small Lasius was. I forgot that he had been so small.

That made it so hard when I got home. I forgot how small he was!! I had seen one picture of my doula right before she had the boys and she was as bog as I was with Las. I understood now why people kept thinking I was having twins. But that hurts too. I didn't get to bring home a child and she brought home two.

It makes me feel like a failure as a mom or that I'm being punished. But I can recognize that these boys aren't my Lasius- not even close. And like *EVERY* parent says about their child... MY Lasius was cuter...


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

I don't think that they are aware enough of the things that can go wrong, I know I wasn't. Even after losing a child to SIDS. After I lost my son, I had my DD, she is 6 years old, healthy and well. And I didn't even think that I'd lose a child in pregnancy, I didn't think that it could happen. But it DID. Crying now







I lost my baby to a "cord accident" at 30.5 weeks. Crying.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tessamami* 
I don't think that they are aware enough of the things that can go wrong, I know I wasn't. Even after losing a child to SIDS. After I lost my son, I had my DD, she is 6 years old, healthy and well. And I didn't even think that I'd lose a child in pregnancy, I didn't think that it could happen. But it DID. Crying now







I lost my baby to a "cord accident" at 30.5 weeks. Crying.









- I agree about pregnant women not fully recognizing things can happen. Even myself- when I'm pregnant I always talked about _when_ the baby gets here _when_ we get to do this that and the other. I was aware things could happen. But I tried not to think about it because I wanted to be excited and not face the glaring fact that things happen.


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## Lexi21070 (Jul 6, 2007)

I found out yesterday that a girl at work is pregnant and is due 2-4-08. I was due on 2-6-08. I couldn't keep from staring at her bump (she's petite); I'm large so I didn't 'show' yet. I m/c 7-5 and baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. It was my 3rd m/c in a row. I am glad I don't work with her much as I don't know if I could stand it. I'm okay around others but I can't be joyful. Especially that girl at work. I just came home and cried. I don't wish bad things for her but it just hurts soooo much to know that in February she's going to have a baby and I won't. Maybe I'm feeling worse b/c right now dh and I are on verge of ending it. Things between us have gotten very bad since m/c. He hates me getting on MDC and others and lurking and/or posting. He also keeps saying anything I say is 'b/c of your f'd up hormones!'. He told me to just let it go...it's water under the bridge. He is totally different than he was with the previous 2 m/c's. I think I am dealing better this time than I did with the last one. Last time I went into a depression and layed around crying and screaming I wanted my baby back(I was 10 weeks). This time I am looking for any answers and finding out some things I never knew before from other threads and posts. I'm not sure right now if I could stand to find out anyone else I knew was pregnant and due in February! I think I might go postal.

I don't have any help for dealing. I need the same help!


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

.
_
I don't have any help for dealing. I need the same help![/QUOTE]_

Sorry about the trouble you and your dh are having. With my husband it's not so bad. But I really still (after talking and talking) don't think he gets that I lost a baby not 16 weeks of tissue. He just asks technical questions (test results, bleeding, ect)
I'm so sorry though. And really I can't imagine what 3 lost babies would do to us. I'd type more, but I have to go to work. What I'd say though get help where you can. It's been over two weeks and I go on this site everyday. This is apart of my healing process.
Good luck TTC I'm hoping to cycle soon and be there too.


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## GreenAmber (Sep 29, 2006)

I seem to be doing just fine until I see on of the other 5 mamas I know with babies the same age as the one I lost ( m/c 12weeks). I'm totally depressed from going to my neighborhood playgroup yesterday. Right now we are getting ready to go to our big playgroup. This weekend I'm having a mom get together at my house. There will be 2 or 3 of these mamas present (with babies). I feel like being so mean and nasty. I want to make an announcement that nursing infants aren't welcome - mamas only. These particular mamas would stay home then too!







But our tradition is to have invite nursing babies and mamas - they are the ones who probably need the get togethers the most.

I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm being friendly but my friends know I'm acting weird. They don't say anything. Why don't they say anything!!??? Why does it have to me that brings up this stupid topic? Why is it that none of them can even say, "I can see this is hard for you to be around me right now, and I'm sorry for that." It's getting worse, not better. Now I don't even want to look at their beautiful growing babies. Maybe I should just stay away from them. ???

Big hugs to all you mamas. I so appreciate reading your posts again and again. Even if we don't have the magic solution at least we know we aren't totally crazy or alone.


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

Big hugs to all you mamas. I so appreciate reading your posts again and again. Even if we don't have the magic solution at least we know we aren't totally crazy or alone.
Me too.

I've followed this thread from the beginning. I hesitated adding my story b/c...I can't really explain why. Maybe because it's not my story anymore. Or because the part that's mine is insignificant compared to the whole. I don't know.

Last July I miscarried. I was 13wks. It was sudden, and horrifying and it blindsided me.

A few days after my m/c, my most dear and longtime girlfriend told me that my loss had given her the courage to ttc. She meant that the worst thing she could imagine had happened, and I somehow found the fortitude to get up and go on--my world didn't come to a crashing halt (nevermind that to me it certainly felt like it.) I thought it was a stupid and insensitive thing to say, but I forgave her immediately. She'd wanted a baby for so long--I was glad they were finally going to go for it.

Three weeks later she and her husband announced their first pregnancy. I wanted to be so happy for them, but I wasn't. I was suffering so badly myself. I'd looked forward to them having their first child for 8 years--since we'd had our first. I felt totally robbed that when they finally made the leap, I was unable to enjoy it.

She was clueless. Her unabashed joy infuriated me. Her preoccupation with her pregnancy was maddening. I avoided her. I snapped at her. Once when she was bemoaning her lack of options for satisfactory maternity care, I told her that she needed to take responsibility for herself and her baby, because no one, not her doctor, not her mother and none of her friends cares as much about her pregnancy as she does. I was horrified that I'd said it, but there was no way to take it back.

I was well into my own second trimester before I started feeling ok around her again.

I'm a doula, but given the past six months, I wasn't confident I could support them the way they needed, so I encouraged them to please hire someone else. Fortunately, they did. As it turned out, they hired a friend of mine and we both attended their birth. It was April. I was 32wks pregnant.

Their beautiful baby boy was born without brain function. He lived in the nicu for 5 short days.

I'd spent most of her pregnancy being angry with her b/c she was unabashedly joyful--and it turned out to be the only truly blissful time she had with her precious baby.

My own baby boy was born in June. He's perfect.

My son, this person I love more than life itself, is and will forever be a painful reminder of my best friend's heartbreaking loss.

Now she sometimes hates me, and I understand.

Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day for me, but no doubt it's infinitely better than her best day.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GreenAmber* 
I seem to be doing just fine until I see one of the other 5 mamas I know with babies the same age as the one I lost ( m/c 12weeks). I'm totally depressed from going to my neighborhood playgroup yesterday. Right now we are getting ready to go to our big playgroup. This weekend I'm having a mom get together at my house. There will be 2 or 3 of these mamas present (with babies). I feel like being so mean and nasty. I want to make an announcement that nursing infants aren't welcome - mamas only. These particular mamas would stay home then too!







But our tradition is to have invite nursing babies and mamas - they are the ones who probably need the get togethers the most.

I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm being friendly but my friends know I'm acting weird. They don't say anything. Why don't they say anything!!??? Why does it have to me that brings up this stupid topic? Why is it that none of them can even say, "I can see this is hard for you to be around me right now, and I'm sorry for that." It's getting worse, not better. Now I don't even want to look at their beautiful growing babies. Maybe I should just stay away from them. ???

Big hugs to all you mamas. I so appreciate reading your posts again and again. Even if we don't have the magic solution at least we know we aren't totally crazy or alone.

I think you should do what feels best for you. If you feel that you can't handle seeing those moms there with their babies tell them. It's your house!

Have you ever told them that it's really painful for you to see them with their babies? (As you probably know, some people are very clueless and just don't think of how others might feel as sad as that is.)

I wouldn't want to be around them either. And you know what? I don't think you should feel you have to be around them.








to you Mama.


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## TXVeggieMama (Jan 4, 2002)

I do. And it extends to the friends' birth announcements I've gotten lately. I try to be happy for them but I guess it's too soon. I just had a m/c 2 weeks ago so that's my only excuse right now. I know that if I was still pregnant (or hadn't just gotten pregnant at all) I'd be thrilled for them.

Everywhere I go there are pregnant women or newborns in buckets (the car seat things).







:


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## desilou (Aug 11, 2006)

oh man, all of this is ringing so true to me. there are so many friends that have become pg. and given birth since my miscarriage. one of my best friends with endo and one ovary is now 17 weeks. 5 couples in one of our circle of friends have had babies since we started ttc in may 2006. my cousins get pregnant repeatedly and accidentally!

it just feels like everyone gets to join a special club and i'm not allowed to be a member. i try to be mindful of all of the love and support and gifts in my life, but as the months go on, it just gets tough sometimes!

all of this is a little raw as i experienced a chemical pregnancy last week. it was such a whirlwind of relief and excitement followed by such a total let down!







:


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *desilou* 
oh man, all of this is ringing so true to me. there are so many friends that have become pg. and given birth since my miscarriage. one of my best friends with endo and one ovary is now 17 weeks. 5 couples in one of our circle of friends have had babies since we started ttc in may 2006. my cousins get pregnant repeatedly and accidentally!

it just feels like everyone gets to join a special club and i'm not allowed to be a member. i try to be mindful of all of the love and support and gifts in my life, but as the months go on, it just gets tough sometimes!

all of this is a little raw as i experienced a chemical pregnancy last week. it was such a whirlwind of relief and excitement followed by such a total let down!







:

I too recently experienced a chemical pregnancy. Usually within a year I only hear of about 1 person I know getting pregnant. Since my miscarriage, 3 friends have called to tell me they are expecting (one due 2 weeks after my due date would have been and the other exactly 1 month later) and 2 friends have had babies (one of which I hadn't spoken with in awhile and didn't even know she was pregnant!). To add insult to injury, I found out about 4 of these people all in one week. I feel like I am being punished or tortured and I cannot figure out what I have done wrong. I am truly happy for my friends and extremely grateful for all of my blessings, but each time I think I have moved on I hear about another pregnancy or birth it seems to knock me down again. It is frustrating waiting for your body to get its act together when you just want to be there.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

No, I honestly don't. I work with pregnant couples and do labor support. After I lost my youngest twin at birth last year I was thrilled to get back to working with students and assisted a twin homebirth that went beautifully and even happened on my first set of twins birthday. I love that life goes on and that women make that leap of faith to bring new life even when there is risk of extreme heartache.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
No, I honestly don't. I work with pregnant couples and do labor support. After I lost my youngest twin at birth last year I was thrilled to get back to working with students and assisted a twin homebirth that went beautifully and even happened on my first set of twins birthday. I love that life goes on and that women make that leap of faith to bring new life even when there is risk of extreme heartache.

That's absolutely wonderful that you're able to feel that way! I hope I can reach that point soon. Maybe if I was around babies on a regular basis it might actually be easier.


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## mizznicole (Feb 13, 2007)

I posted here a while back. I'm now at 18 weeks and finally able to bond with my little child. With my first one that I lost, at 11 weeks, the bond seemed so much stronger sooner.

I think that in the last month or so I've come to realize that no mother can spare herself pain. And for those moms planning big families - and being Catholic, I know a lot of people like this - I know that a loss will be almost inevitable.

It's still hard for me to get excited about other people's pregnancies, except for those women I know who have gone through worse losses than mine (and I'm still hoping with them to conceive).

At the time of our loss, another couple in my very small academic program were pregnant. They did not say one word to us, even "we're sorry for your loss" over email. Even worse, they were in our home the day after we announced it to watch the Superbowl. Other people were bringing by cards and hugs, and they pretended like nothing had happened. It's been so hard to be nice to them. They just had their baby and I forced myself to buy a present. I know I have to get past this. Probably some misdirected, residual anger...anyhow.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 
I was recently at a wedding shower and listened to a casual pregnant friend complain about how miserable she feels and that the timing of her 3rd child "just really doesn't work for us" I wanted to slap her face. There, I said it.

I would have told her to be thankful she GOT to have 3 healthy LIVING children!!!!

I would have wanted to slap her too. I *totally* understand!


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mizznicole* 
At the time of our loss, another couple in my very small academic program were pregnant. They did not say one word to us, even "we're sorry for your loss" over email. Even worse, they were in our home the day after we announced it to watch the Superbowl. Other people were bringing by cards and hugs, and they pretended like nothing had happened. It's been so hard to be nice to them. They just had their baby and I forced myself to buy a present. I know I have to get past this. Probably some misdirected, residual anger...anyhow.

I am so sorry these people were so completely inconsiderate and rude to you after your baby died!









Did you say anything to them? Did you ever tell them how insensitive their actions were?

Why did you feel you had to buy them a present? How well do you know these people?

I really don't think your anger is misdirected. I think it is real and valid. That was not the time for them to come over to watch the Superbowl!


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *naerae_30* 
Yeah, I hate to hear people complaining about an inconvenient pg or hating pregnancy. I just want to shake them. Or those people who ask, so why are you waiting so long to have more (we have an almost 3 yr old)? When I have told people I miscarried twice, I actually had someone respond with "Oh, I'm 6 months pg, isn't that nice?" <<smack>>

I, too, am involved in an organization where I am constantly around pg and nursing mothers. It kills me in many ways. I feel my body shutting down.

Guess I am trying to take care of myself and feel healthy again. I dealt with my m/c by eating everything in sight. Eep.

Thanks to all of you who are here....
Renée

I would have wanted to smack that person too!!! Are these people completely brainless??? Sheesh!!!

Perhaps it's time you found a job that doesn't cause you so much emotional pain. Can you make happen?


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I do. Another mom in the playgroup I belong to just announced that she is due two weeks after I was. Another is constantly complaining about how awful her pregnancy is. A friend announced, a week after my loss, that she is due the day after I was.
I see pregnant women and tiny babies everywhere I go. I don't want to leave my house. My heart aches when I see or hear about one of those women due close to my due date. I'm so afraid that somebody else will announce their pregnancy, and I just don't want to hear it. I try to be happy and normal... this is what Green Amber wrote, and I totally get it --

_I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm being friendly but my friends know I'm acting weird. They don't say anything. Why don't they say anything!!??? Why does it have to me that brings up this stupid topic? Why is it that none of them can even say, "I can see this is hard for you to be around me right now, and I'm sorry for that." It's getting worse, not better. Now I don't even want to look at their beautiful growing babies. Maybe I should just stay away from them. ???_


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## Gr8ful Momma (Jul 16, 2007)

I am really glad that I am not the only one to feel this way. I hate that I am so petty about others happiness. I push it into a little dark corner of my soul and try to ignore it. My rational self knows that I have been lucky up to now, I have my wonderful 15 y/o and amazing almost 3 y/o twins but there is that one little piece of me that just can't remember that and while I wouldn't want anyone else to have a m/c, I don't want to see their joy either.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hannybanany* 
_I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm being friendly but my friends know I'm acting weird. They don't say anything. Why don't they say anything!!??? Why does it have to me that brings up this stupid topic? Why is it that none of them can even say, "I can see this is hard for you to be around me right now, and I'm sorry for that." It's getting worse, not better. Now I don't even want to look at their beautiful growing babies. Maybe I should just stay away from them. ???_

If you think you should stay away from them then you should stay away from them. You need to do what is right for you.









Seeing others with their babies can be absolutely devastating.

Remember to be good to you!


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gr8ful Momma* 
I am really glad that I am not the only one to feel this way. I hate that I am so petty about others happiness. I push it into a little dark corner of my soul and try to ignore it. My rational self knows that I have been lucky up to now, I have my wonderful 15 y/o and amazing almost 3 y/o twins but there is that one little piece of me that just can't remember that and while I wouldn't want anyone else to have a m/c, I don't want to see their joy either.

It is not petty to be hurt when others are so happy when you are in such great pain! Others may try to guilt you into being happy for the other person but that doesn't mean you won't be hurt or angry! Of course you will be! Some people just won't get that. These people are too afraid IMHO to imagine how they would feel if _their_ child had died. So to make themselves feel better they expect the bereaved parent to act okay around them so they won't have to think about the bereaved parent's sorrow. If these people only knew how much their actions hurt!

Do whatever YOU need to do to grieve whether it's crying, screaming out the pain, beating a pillow, feeling angry, journalling, whatever.

And please don't let others label your grief! Grief is what it is.

I too have felt great rage, despair, sadness, etc. when hearing about and seeing others' children. It is really difficult.









You will make it. I know you can. I never thought I would make it through the pain and here I am seven years later still here. Take it day by day.


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## jl22martin (Apr 29, 2006)

I wonder what makes them more "worthy" to have a child then me.What makes them a better parent or will they love their child better or more then I would have.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamallama* 
I'd spent most of her pregnancy being angry with her b/c she was unabashedly joyful--and it turned out to be the only truly blissful time she had with her precious baby.

Wow. I finally got around to reading this thread and your post was exactly what I needed to hear.
My baby was stillborn three days before my due date in March. My very well-meaning SIL said, several times, "at least our next children will be closer in age." I just cringed to hear that.
I just found out I'm pregnant again. Days later, she cheerfully announced she's pregnant again - and her second is due within days of me. I felt I had no choice but to tell her I'm pregnant, too. It's something I didn't want to share until the end of the first T, at least.
I've been angry and scared - imagining that my second baby will die, too, and I'll have to look at this new niece or nephew and imagine what might have been.
Your post gave me a little perspective. Thanks.


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## sewinmama (May 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jl22martin* 
I wonder what makes them more "worthy" to have a child then me.What makes them a better parent or will they love their child better or more then I would have.

I have seen teenagers with healthy babies and can only draw the conclusion that it can have nothing to do with worthiness or love. Our Chloe was unplanned but never unloved or unwanted. I have a whole basement full of baby things from my daughter, so it isn't about readiness...

The only one who knows is God. I can't compete with that so I don't try.


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## jl22martin (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewinmama* 
I have seen teenagers with healthy babies and can only draw the conclusion that it can have nothing to do with worthiness or love. Our Chloe was unplanned but never unloved or unwanted. I have a whole basement full of baby things from my daughter, so it isn't about readiness...

The only one who knows is God. I can't compete with that so I don't try.









That's the crazy thing about grief. I have a very strong faith in God and I know I can't figure it out or understand it BUT my heart longs for an answer that will never be. I know God has a plan and I that I have to trust in him some days I just don't get it.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jl22martin* 
That's the crazy thing about grief. I have a very strong faith in God and I know I can't figure it out or understand it BUT my heart longs for an answer that will never be. I know God has a plan and I that I have to trust in him some days I just don't get it.

I don't think we ever get it. We just have to learn to live with it.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jl22martin* 
I wonder what makes them more "worthy" to have a child then me.What makes them a better parent or will they love their child better or more then I would have.

I get the same way, and then I feel bad, like who am I to play God? My sister is currently pregnant with her third child. She has a daughter, age six, who's has some severe behavioral problems resulting in complete lack of disciple and even encouragment of her behavior. Her daughter's Biological Father abused both her and my niece. She miscarried my other niece from another relationship two years ago. Then she lived with another boyfriend for a while, trying to have a baby with him, which didn't happen. Now, she's got a new boyfriend, for all of six months, and she's almost 5 months pregnant with my nephew. Did I mention that most of this time, either her or her boyfriend at the time have been jobless? That she's flirted with annorexia for years now, even while pregnant? That every boyfriend she had, including her current one, drinks and smokes? That *SHE* still smokes, even though she's pregnant? And then there's my Hubby and I. We're been through *EVERYTHING* and we're still together and we're emotionally and financially stable. And we're very good parents, if I do say so myself. And neither of us smoke, neither of us have drinking problems. Both our children are not a danger to other children. It just kills me that My Hubby and I will never have a child together but my sister can have as many as she wants. I was so relieved that this one was gonna be a boy, because maybe this time she'll stop- she told me when she first got pregnant that if it wasn't a boy, she'll just try again in a couple months.







: And then I feel bad because of how I feel, but as much as I try not to feel that way, I really can't help it.







:







:







:

Okay, I'm done...


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## speakfromwithin (May 24, 2007)

I know this is an old thread, but I just wanted to say that I understand.

I experienced my first miscarriage in January. I started bleeding and clotting only a day after I found out that I was pregnant. I knew exactly what was happening and it was heart wrenching. It didn't help that I was out of town visiting a friend and the whole point of my trip was to meet her new baby! I was without my husband and my mother, the two people that I normally would have clung to for support.

About a week later, I was invited to my cousin's baby shower and all of the pain and anger came rushing back and balled itself into a big lump in my throat. I told my mom there was no way in hell that I was going and why should I be happy for her anyway? She would probably be a horrible mother because she was a teenager and why should she get to keep her baby when I lost mine. Yes, I know. HORRIBLE, even CRUEL thoughts, but I was just so hurt. I HATED feeling that way towards another person and I don't think anyone could truly understand those feelings unless they've experienced a miscarriage themselves.

It took me 4 months to get pregnant again after that and every month that my period came made me more and more certain that it might never happen for me. When it finally did, I was plagued with fear. I hyperventilated every time I felt the smallest twinge or cramp. Thank God I never had any spotting or I probably would have really driven myself insane. This time however, the pregnancy resulted in a beautiful little girl who is my world.

I hope that anyone who ever experiences this terrible loss goes on to find comfort and peace. Thank you for listening.


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## jl22martin (Apr 29, 2006)

I had a friend who was expecting just a couple of months after me. I didn't want to zap her joy because my baby was stillborn and hers was healthy. I was trying to be a good friend. BUT when I saw her and she told me she was having a boy ( my baby was a boy as well). I just felt like someone had punched me. I found myself angry with her. Why? How did any of this make any sense? She wasn't cruel or anything but she certainly wasn't concerned for me either. It was really hard to be around her. I found myself avoiding her when I could. Oddly enough, now that her son is born I'm not angry or jealous anymore of her. I can't say I'm happy for her because it's still difficult and uncomfortable. But all babies are a blessing. Mine was and so is hers. Anyone else have an experience similar?


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