# questions=answers=questions=WHY!



## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

yesterday i had lunch with a friend, he's like an uncle and he asked if we were trying again and when i told him yes he said "next time you go to a hospital!"








which made me burst into tears because he put into words what i fear/feel everyone is thinking that my son died because i had a home-birth!
(let me just say i did so much research and it felt like an informed decision and was a beautiful labor and birth until that horrific last moment)

my guilt and sadness around this has improved after some therapy and persistent reminding from loved ones, that babies live through all kinds of births, in huts, in fields, in elevators, etc. and some babies die no matter what anyone tries to do








but my feelings about this are especially raw this week because all of the tests are back... my blood-work, the autopsy and the placenta pathology so we went to see our midwives consulting parinatoligist who looked over all-the results and said it was most likely a cord compression! (in my opinion because there is no proof of any thing else) it was a shock because all this while the midwives, doula and my husband and i thought i had a silent abruption (dr. said there is no such thing another dr. said there was) because the labor was so fast (roughly 3-4 hours w/ no bleeding) and we last heard Milos' heartbeat 20 min. before i pushed him out.
And i was somewhat comforted by the idea of an abruption because it made me feel like he probably would have died in hospital too because it happens so fast. But a cord compression makes me feel like with the consistent monitoring at a hospital (instead of selective doppler) and the alarmist tendency of hospitals he could have been saved!









but we'll never know and this is the really hard part... no one can explain to me why i am without my son when so many women pop them out like candy. i guess the good news is that i am fine, no clotting issues and if it wasn't an abruption i guess that bodes well for another birth too because i read that once you've had an abruption you are more prone to them?

but what do i do if i can't have my own child?








i feel i will lose my mind!
(05/19/09- I am going back and adding a positive for each negative comment about having another baby... I believe am going to have another birth baby!)
and what do i do about my friend?
i told him how hurtful that was to say but i still feel angry!
and how to i create a new little life that i am desperate to host while i am still grieving my son?







:
HELP!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I don't see how someone would think that kind of comment would be a good idea!? Babies do indeed die in hospitals too. We all know as well as you, that you would have done anything to have Milos home in your arms right now.. none of us would be without our babies.. please don't feel guilt on top of grief. Be kind to yourself.


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## soulshine (Feb 2, 2007)

most people don't know anything about birth, and i am sure your friend meant no harm in saying what he did- he probably just cares for you and wanted there to be a 'solution'. it is really hurtful to you, but some things you just have to *ignore* completely, consider the source, etc. but it doesn't make the sting any less when someone says anything insensitive. i am sorry that had to happen. almost all of my friends have said something dumb to me in this regard, and i just ignore all of it. some things aren't worth going into detail about, and its not your responsibility to school every uninformed person about birth, safety, stillbirth, etc. (unless you choose to of course...).

finding out 'why' isn't always the greatest thing. it is more information... but it doesn't ever answer the question 'well, then WHY did that happen to me, or my baby?'. some things don't have an answer, ever. it is one more thing to grieve.

there are many many women who have lost babies at home, and they have gone on to have their next baby at home, too... this is all about YOUR choice, your comfort level. you don't have to explain it to anyone. no matter where you choose to give birth to your next baby, when you've lost a baby, there's going to be some level of apprehension (even if you know exactly why your previous baby died). so, you just go with what feels right for you, and that can change as many times as you want it to.

when i have gotten the reports back, there was always a period of adjusting to the new news. it takes a while to process it all. you can take comfort that some things have been 'crossed off the list', though... and the rest, well, it may take a while for it to settle in. none of it is ever going to take away the fact that your baby died though. that's the worst part of it... but it is always good to feel like you have all the information you can have about what may have happened. i'm sorry you have to go thru any of this.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Abbey, our stories are so very similar. So maybe some of what I've dealt with since Emma died might help little. We have come to the conclusion that Emma's death was also caused by a cord compression. In my case, as you know, we had transferred to the hospital about half an hour before she was born. We didn't transfer because anyone was worried about Emma - by all indicators, she was a happy little baby. We transferred because she was OP and I was tiring from pushing.

"My" OB (I saw him once during the pregnancy as a favor to the midwives who were preparing to attend my home vbac) came to see us after he's signed Emma's death certificate. When I saw him during pregnancy he'd been (not unsurprisingly) concerned about my homebirth plans so I half expected him to at least make some oblique mention of the fact that her death could have been preventable. What he said was that he'd read my notes as written by the midwives and he called my care "exceptional". He also said that based on the evidence, the outcome would have been exactly the same if I had had a vaginal birth in hospital. I valued that. I try very hard not to take on guilt about my choices - I made them because I wanted what was BEST for Emma and I'd had a horrendous time at the hospital with my DD1 (I still believe she's alive and well, despite the hospital's best efforts to the contrary. Honestly, her hospital birth is the reason I chose an out of hospital birth) Still, it was nice to hear someone who might well have expressed the opposite point of view validate my choice. (He's going to be my OB if I get pregnant again)

We can all wonder "what if" ... and we'll never know what if unfortunately. My own personal feeling has always been that Emma was never going to come home with us and that my birth choices would not have changed that. Some people might see that as me living in denial about the fact that I killed my daughter but it is genuinely how I feel in the very core of my being. I will hate the fact she is not here with me until the day I get to be with her again, but I have a small measure of acceptance that her little life was what it was.

I can't tell you what you should do about your friend - I haven't had any insensitve comments really and I choose mainly to react to the underlying concern that someone is expressing rather than their actual words. If their intent is good then I will overlook the fact that what they're saying is unhelpful.

... and how to host a new little life ...well, as you know, I'm trying to. I hold on to the fact that babies get conceived, carried and born in very stressful situations - warzones and so forth so our reproductive capacity must be able to withstand emotional turmoil and stress.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I just want to say that I had DD in the hospital and they did not use continuous fetal monitoring. Nobody checked DD's heartbeat in the twenty minutes before she was born. And studies show that CFM does NOT improve outcomes. Yes, it does save some babies. But it also increases c-section rates, and c-sections increase the risk of babies dying. My point: this is NOT your fault. You made a perfectly reasonable, rational decision with the knowledge you had. Of course if you had known that your baby would have a cord compression, you would have been in the hospital. But you couldn't have known. And for all you knew if you'd have been in the hospital your baby might have died of complications from an unnecessary c-section. Childbirth, no matter where it happens, is just risky.









I'm going to say it again: NOT your fault. NOT your fault. NOT your fault. If someone says something like that again, I would totally call them on it, e.g., "I hope you are not suggesting that it is my fault that my baby died. Many babies die in the hospital and I made the best decision I could with the information I had." Don't let people make you feel this way. Call them out.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

((Abbey))

People say dumb things in their attempts to try and make us better. I think people feel powerless because they can't 'fix' us & they are often clumsy in their attempts. I'm glad you told your friend how wrong it was to say.

Fwiw, I've had 3 hospital deliveries and never had constant monitoring. What happened in your home could easily have happened in a hospital too. You did not fail your sweet son by your birthing choices.

Grief can feel so all consuming. We as humans are weird beings because I believe we are capable of great sorrow and great joy simultaneously. You have grown and nurtured a baby for 9 long months. Your body is indeed capable. I believe that for you.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

{{{Abbey}}} I am so sorry for your loss... nothing of what happened was your fault, and it was really insensitive of your uncle to suggest it. I wish you a BFP and a happy uneventful pregnancy.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Ah - my brother in law said the same thing and practically denounced natural birth altogether. Some people just put their foot in their mouth and don't know what they're talking about. I had it on god authority from the hospital that even if they'd heard her heartbeat and then had a c section at that very moment, they are still likely to have lost her.

Babies sometimes die. Some people cannot accept that - especially the ones who think that medical science and the like is the new way of saving our souls. By the same measure, nobody should have to die of cancer any more, but we are not infallible as human beings, and we do die. Our greatest downfall is when we do NOT accept death as part of life, which it is. Always.

If we do not accept death as part of life we can become stuck...sometimes for he rest of our lives, in this moment. I've seen mamas who have never been able to move on to anything else properly, _ever_. I've also seen mamas who have taken many, many, many years to stop the depression and self blaming. That doesn't have to be the way you have to live. You cannot control everything and blaming yourself is just not going to help you. It isn't - you should not have to bend to the altar of your own misery and flagellate yourself with your own guilt.

Life is life. Death is life - they combine in an ever renewing cycle of existence. That is all. Every day we are faced with a choice: fall down and rot away and die of guilt or depression, or struggle on to try to find our way through the forest into a bright clearing again. That second choice is the one we must eventually make, somewhere along the way, in order to become emotionally whole again.

Your son's death was not your fault. You are not all powerful. You did not kill him! You're a good mama and you wanted him alive and well - the intention is what counts - think of it that way. We all had the best, brightest intentions. In the end, what matters is the intent.

*HUGE, enormous hugs* to you - I've been at the stinging end of a comment like that and I know how it feels. Feels okay now though. I've overcome that comment now









XXXXXXX


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 








I'm sorry you have to go through this. I don't see how someone would think that kind of comment would be a good idea!? Babies do indeed die in hospitals too. We all know as well as you, that you would have done anything to have Milos home in your arms right now.. none of us would be without our babies.. please don't feel guilt on top of grief. Be kind to yourself.

couldn't have said it better! (((hugs)))


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

*i just realized/noticed that i forgot to thank you all for your words of support and understanding*








i've been working on an email to my friend and it's helping me realize how much he just doesn't get it or know anything about what i've been through let alone the realities of pregnancy, labor and birth so why would i put so much stock into his uninformed opinion? which is what you all were trying to tell me in the first place, i hear you now!

as for feeling guilty... it has subsided *(again, thanks to all of you here!)* but i suspect it will come and go for there rest of my life. i have been fortunate enough to encounter women who have lost their babies 13 yrs. ago, 20+ yrs. ago, 30+ yrs. ago and they still cry a little when they share their stories, so i know i am permanently altered too but for today i think i can try to go forward in the hope that DH and i can share our lives with any little ones that the universe sees fit to bring us.









ok, this is as optimistic as i get! yick, it's really out of character for me, i better get some sleep!:yawning:


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I really liked all of what has been mentioned, especially the parts about accepting death as part of life.

there are moms here whose babies have died in hospital from cord compression. it does happen.

Also, ITA with you in that if they can't find any other reason for a fetal death they use the catch-all term of cord compression. which I also saw on an 'official' type website, I know it to be true.

Micah died at our UC. we do not know why, although I know he died a day or two before labor started. Like you, I struggled with cord compression theory. I still can't wrap my brain around it but I guess it can happen. I have never heard of an abruption where there was no blood.

huge hugs. and so very much empathy.

Rebecca


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Insensitive ignorant comments really hurt...and I'm finding that they hurt because we fear the person who said it to be right...even when we KNOW they are wrong. There is that little voice that says..."what IF they are right..." and it wrenches inside. Be strong...know yourself...know that life is fragile, and that you did all you could do to protect your precious child. I'm so sorry for your huge loss...I'm so glad to see all the support you are getting here. What a gift it is to have a parade of wonderful women cheering each other forward.







:


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## Sonnet (Mar 4, 2009)

Honestly it doesn't sound to me like he was suggesting that it was your fault - just that he cares for you and because of what happened the last time he'd like to make sure that you're where you can have the best possible care as quickly as needed in case of an emergency. It may not have been the best-informed thing to say, but it doesn't sound to me like he meant it as any kind of indictment of your choice.


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## Yulia_R (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbeyWH* 
no one can explain to me why i am without my son when so many women pop them out like candy.

You DID pop him out like candy! 3 hour labor is a dream. You did your part of job amazingly well! No one could have done it better than that.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son (HUGS)


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm a little late, but wanted to send you some hugs, too, Abbey.









My Dad said next time we should just schedule a c-section and get the baby outta there. He didn't mean that homebirth killed Gideon, just that he puts stock in the hospital and the doctors. He was just expressing his concern for me and a future baby. It is hard to look at the underlying current in a comment, especially when it rocks us to our core like these ones. All I can say is, well, they mean well. But they just don't know.

I lost Gideon to an occult cord prolapse. I kept thinking over and over about how it could be different, but every doctor we saw agreed - the same thing would have happened in the hospital. They may have done a c-section, but he was so far engaged, it would have been faster to just birth him that it would have been to section me. There is nothing different we could have done. We all did what we thought was absolutely best for that baby at that time. I would have another home birth without remorse. I still believe that it is the best way to bring a baby into the world, and believe my stress level in a hospital would be high enough to actually harm a baby. You might change your mind - and that's okay.

You are a wonderful momma to little Milos and did every single thing you could for him. *hugs*


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