# Pink and Blue Lines



## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

Dear Healthcare Provider,

She comes to you with her news and you rummage around in your mind for the right words and they come out something like, "You can always try again&#8230; the good news is that you can get pregnant&#8230; there will be a better time&#8230; nature knows when something isn't right&#8230;" You think you're being kind and sensitive. Maybe you wonder how someone could be so upset about something that is so seemingly intangible, it was only 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 8 weeks and so on.

What you don't see, what you couldn't know, what you might not understand is that she has tried every month for years. She has tests and tests with pink lines and blue lines and she sits and wills them to turn the right color each month. When she feels the cramping twinge at the time of the month she prays that it is burrowing and not shedding, she sees a spot of blood and hopes it is implanting and not flowing. Despite her hopes and with petulant persistence, her cycle makes its entry again and she thinks about next month and hopes it will happen, next month.

So when that line turned its proper shade 4 days before her cycle and she took three more tests and several each day following&#8230; when it finally happened she was filled with a quiet sense of pride, with the newness of life and an awareness of her role in it's process. She woke up each morning and her first thought was, I'm pregnant, and she smiled. She let it all slide off her back because she was pregnant and she could smile on the inside and out.

So when she walks through the clinic door, breasts aching, nauseated, spotting, bleeding, scared, and is greeted by people who are faced with this as a routine part of their working lives, she is unsure if they will handle her kindly and gently. These same people who talk about it over lunch like yesterdays news, these same people who are kind and caring but may have forgotten what it is like to be her and to be so vulnerable.

Did you have the time in your busy day to listen to her long enough and take the time to let her know that she had the right to hurt and cry? Did she tell you that she felt like she was finally on the right train and it was derailed coming out of the station? She knows she'll survive but she'll have to start again with the pink and blue lines. Starting again seems as insurmountable as crossing an ocean in water wings. What she really wants is for it to be a mistake and for someone to please tell her it's not really happening.

Did you just 'stick to the facts' and make it as clinical as possible? Did you avoid the emotional train wreck in your exam room and move on to the next without any further discussion. While you checked her cervix and felt the size and position of her uterus, were you thinking about the charts piled on your desk, surgery this afternoon, dinner this evening... Or were you present in the moment, compassionate, empathetic, were you the healer you hoped you would be when you began this journey with yourself?

Consider this, the next time she walks through your door, bleeding, confused, and sad perhaps this time you won't say much at all and if she wants you to you'll put your arms around her and let her cry, or maybe you'll sit quietly in the silence. You'll sit, listen and know that your words have the best of intention but that they may hurt. You'll know that being there and sharing this human experience with her is an honor and what she wants the most in the world is someone just to listen. She'll let you know what she needs and you will be there to give it to her.

Let her sit quietly, let her rewind her thoughts and stop seeing the future as it looked to her yesterday. Let her hold herself tight as her breasts ache and her tears flow. In her own time she will find her path to healing. When she reflects on this time she will be grateful for the ones who were gentle and kind, thoughtful and honest, and to those who respected her and her loss.

Sincerely,
Patient in Room #3 s/p SAB


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

You didn't know, and how can you beat yourself up for what you didn't know?

For what it's worth, I wish you didn't have to get such a brutal lesson in empathy. I don't wish my experiences on anyone.

But at the same time my own doctor suffered a miscarriage and 3 very difficult pregnancies, and I know that is why she handles me like a fragile, delicate piece of glass, which is what I need. I am grateful for her understanding.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, you will be okay. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Take care.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

delicate roses with thorns we all are....








I just want to say that over time things will seem improving. But it's never getting better. There is a WHOLE different path that we walk on now. We were all headed down a white lane with tons of baby items on each side... but we needed to take the other lane. The dark grey lane with everything in muted color and sound. It will improve, but no, I don't believe I could ever say 'It's better this way'

It' not fair it sucks and no woman should have to experience this unending amount of pain.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

Thanks for the words, mamas. I have been away for 3 days camping, what a place to go though a m/c. Close to nature and long periods of quiet reflection. Much better than working.

Anyone want to put on their water wings and cross an ocean with me?

-Laura


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I'll swim with you.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing so eloquently your thoughts. For now, I will listen, as will the many (too many) women here. Whenever you want to talk.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *supakitty* 
She woke up each morning and her first thought was, I'm pregnant, and she smiled. She let it all slide off her back because she was pregnant and she could smile on the inside and out.

This has been the hardest part so far. Reminding myself that I'm not pregnant.

(P.S. I feel silly quoting myself)


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

This was so beautiful and perfect. Thank you for writting this.

I haven't been here in a while, but I'm having one of those days where I need to just keep reading in this forum. What a wonderful thing to stumble upon.

Thanks.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

So beautful..thanks so much for sharing. After our daugther was stillborn, a nurse told me "you can have another.." as if our baby girl could be replaced.


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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *supakitty* 
Thanks for the words, mamas. I have been away for 3 days camping, what a place to go though a m/c. Close to nature and long periods of quiet reflection. Much better than working.

Anyone want to put on their water wings and cross an ocean with me?

-Laura

It's interesting that you mentioned the ocean. When I had a m/c I told everyone I was going to emotionally "sit on the bottom of the ocean", in the cool, stillness, and let myself feel every bit of my pain. I refused to pretend I was okay...I told them they were going to have to call me (not the other way around), because I was grieving and I had a right to that.

The ocean is such a good image to help wash over all of the hurt, cleansing, soothing, healing.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

beansavi - perhaps is the pisces in me? I love the ocean, it soothes me.

-Laura


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

I changed this today to be more passive and to reflect how I feel as both a Healthcare Provider and a woman who recently suffered a loss. I hope it touches some people and maybe gives comfort. Feel free to comment, or not. My love to the strong women here, this is not an easy forum to traverse and usually a great sadness is what leads us here. Thank goodness we're here for each other.

-Laura


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *supakitty* 
She woke up each morning and her first thought was, _I'm pregnant_, and she smiled.

This morning, for the first time, I had to tell myself that I was no longer pregnant. Several times during the night I woke with the same moment of joy, then sorrow when I remembered. And each time was like another blow.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

Hope you're doing better today, ChesapeakeBorn.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

TTC again, worried about the possibility of another SAB. I hate the two week waiting period.


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## Becky~~<[email protected] (Aug 7, 2007)

I love this post. . . I am preg with my 1st after a m/c at 16 weeks last yr have the same dr. am having probs or my hcg is not where he wants it to be . . but he doesn't seem to care at all no sesinsitivity. . im so scarred of the same thing happening that when he told me the lvls were wrong i threw up and couldnt stop crying. . . He wants a u/s but he scedualed it for 4 days from this news 4 days of w8ing to c if its ok when he told me it looks not so good. .I begged for it to be sooner and his reply "it doesnt matter bc there is nothing i can do for the baby if its not ok". . . Im getting a new dr if its good tommorow. . . I need someone who cares about me and my feelings and he so obviously doesnt. . .


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## caned & able (Dec 8, 2005)

s to all.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

((hugs to all)))


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

I can't believe I'm back here again. A second loss, this one at 15 weeks... how much heartbreak can a person take?

-Laura


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## Sunshine4004 (Nov 17, 2006)

Laura -







I am so sorry.


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## dawn1221 (Sep 27, 2006)

I am so sorry for your losses.

Though my loss was years ago, I remember the pain well. DH said I have never been the same since. Things like this really change who you are as a person. My thoughts are with you.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your heart with us.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so terribly sorry!








I thought you did a beautiful job expressing your feelings.
This is awful, I wish you hope and healing.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh, Laura!!! No one should go through this even once. Twice is unbearable.

There are no words to take away your pain - I wish for you answers, as I know after our second loss that was all I was looking for. Some reason. An explanation. Hope for the future . . . .

I also wish for you a journey towards peace again. Somehow. It's a long journey, one that I wish for no one . .


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *supakitty* 
I can't believe I'm back here again. A second loss, this one at 15 weeks... how much heartbreak can a person take?

-Laura

Oh Laura, I am so sorry


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Wow, that states the emotions of it so succinctly. I could never place exactly how much hope had been built up from that moment when the test finally made 2 lines, the dream that told me to wake up and take the test in the first place, then the happiness of knowing each day that I was pregnant. Thank you for posting and thank you for writing.


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## maryjane (Jul 13, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for your loss again.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *supakitty* 
I can't believe I'm back here again. A second loss, this one at 15 weeks... how much heartbreak can a person take?

-Laura


When you find the answer to that one....let me know....please, let me know. I think I've asked myself this exact question at least a couple dozen times this week.

And your original post... it's great, sad, and real, very real. It's crazy how our experiences in life can change the very core of who you are. My 20 week loss in Feb. changed me in so many ways I couldn't even understand it myself, and then another one in May, and now this week, I'm feeling the transformation already.

Hugs from one May 2007 mom to another who lost a babe this week too. BIG HUGS......


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
Hugs from one May 2007 mom to another who lost a babe this week too. BIG HUGS......


And another.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Your post was absolutely beautiful! I would love to send it to the MW and Perinatologist who dropped me once my daughter no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going to an OB-something I never thought I'd do again ever. He was AMAZING! He hugged me, let me sob in his arms and told me he wished he could take this away, or that he could 'fix it' so that Avery would still be here. He was so great that I am going to stay with him for when I do concieve the next baby.

I know two losses are hard. My last two pregnancies have both ended in losses. We have been trying for 2 years. I will pray for you mama!







s


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## perl (Jan 17, 2006)

bumping this amazing post. It means a lot to me.


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## celtic_angel (Jul 27, 2005)

We also were trying for years before we finally saw those 2 lines...
I can still feel how myy heart was pounding out of my chest as I saw the second line developing...we had pretty much given up and then, there it was finally! I haven't yet decided if I brave enough to try again...I want a baby more desperately than I have ever wanted anything in my life, but the grief is insanity provoking. ....


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's horrible how some medical proffesionals distance themselves so much from their patients. We're here when you need to cry, vent, whatever you need.


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## fenix (Apr 22, 2006)

So beautifully written Laura.







No one should have to endure a loss of a child, losing more than one is... I'm so sorry. I keep trying to remind myself that we aren't dealt more that we can handle. Truly how strong are we supposed to be?


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

This is the month he should have arrived. Instead, the worst period of my life, as if my body knows. How could it not know?


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so,so sorry for your loss. You speak to my heart.

Wishing for you peace.


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## supakitty (Mar 6, 2002)

So hard today...

Due Date Calculator: Your baby will be born on or around Sunday May 25, 2008

Except, he wasn't. He was born on December 2, 2007.

Too early for life, so fragile and small, but mine.

I wish you were here today,

I wish this was our day.

I wish I was holding you.

Let this day pass into oblivion and take the pain away.

__________________________________________________ _____

Room 637

Twice I was hospitalized in this same room, stared at its four walls, prayed for my unborn child and myself. Upon discharge the second time I remarked, "Next time I am here in this room it will be with my new baby." My hopeful words were spoken but would never come to pass. - A haze of sadness in December, baby is lost, passed in the ER six stories below Room 637 - Today, May 25, 2008, my due date. I make my rounds in the hospital looking in on new moms and their precious bundles. I enter Room 637 as a caretaker, not a patient. She holds her child and glows in the light of newborn love - An aching sadness washes over me yet my smile does does not betray these feelings lurking so close to the surface. I wish the best for her. Yet how desperately I long to be her, holding my newborn baby with my family hovering all around me. How I long for you on this day, May 25, 2008, the day you should have been born.

http://laura-hope.blogspot.com/2008/05/due-date.html


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I also was due on May 25th 2008. I had a missed m/c in october.
Lots of hugs to you as you remember your little one.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I, too, work in healthcare, caring for new little babies at times as well. It's so hard to keep our own feelings in check at times, isn't it?

May 5th , 2007 was my first missed due date . . ..


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Due dates are hard. You are brave and strong to be able to care for those with newborns still. I admire that. I wish your LO was here with you on this day. Thank you for sharing that beautiful writing with us, I had never seen it and I'm so glad I opened this thread. I wish every health care provider had to read it.


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## laralee16 (Nov 12, 2005)

Thank you for this post.


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