# I have no one else to say this to...



## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

And I'm hoping that if I can say it here I might be able to sleep at night and feel a bit less alone. I found out 3 and a half weeks ago at 17 weeks that the baby had no heart beat and went in for a d&c the next week.

Grieving sucks. Not just the feeling of loss and the gut wrenching, overwhelming sadness that comes and goes but everything else that goes along with it. I never had an idea that having a miscarriage could be this hard. No one IRL talks about it. Everyone I knew who miscarried wound up pregnant soon after and nothing else was ever said about it. I just assumed you somehow, magically were emotionally healed after a short amount of time, which is RIDICULOUS to think of now.

Three weeks out and it already feels like it has been an eternity, it feels like so very many days I've spent missing my baby and it feels like no one else even remembers or that they seem to expect everything to go back to normal now. Friends call and want to hang out and I don't think it is wrong of them to ask but I still don't want to do ANYTHING. I'm not complaining how people treat me because I know there isn't much they can do or say but it's just such an overwhelming feeling to be the last person left grieving while the rest of the world races on.

I don't think my grief is abnormal, it's just that I'm the only one grieving and like I said grieving sucks. It sucks that I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't even _feel_ like myself. My husband knows I am sad and asks what I am thinking about and it's not that I'm thinking of anything really, it's more like an absence of thought and just a physical sadness.

Normally I'm pretty goofy, silly, a total clean freak and now I can't stand to be around 'all the happy people' for too long before I feel so drained I'm almost resentful. I can't clean, don't want to do laundry, hate cooking. The only thing I do enjoy is taking care of my 14 month old which unfortunately includes allowing her to tear apart rolls and rolls of toilet paper and eat her lunch messily on the couch because she's happy doing it and I can't seem to care about the consequences of much of anything.

I can't remember to pay for my summer nursing classes as monumentally important as that is and end up getting dropped due to non payment.

I haven't bought dh's birthday card or anything else for tomorrow because as much as I love him I can't seem to remember long enough to get it done.

I leave my wallet places, lose my keys, forget to go to the bank, everything feels like it's falling apart and I'm almost apathetic enough to let it, which is so not me.

I can't sleep, can't eat, which makes me even more anxious as I have a history of eating disorders and losing weight can cause problems all its own. My body image and self confidence are bottomed out which makes wanting to do anything else all the more difficult.

I go to counseling monthly anyway but there is so much time in between and nothing I can think of to help this fog, this depression, this sadness. The only time I feel safe or calm is when dh and dd are here with me and there isn't always a lot of time for that.

I'm even afraid to ttc again. I'm afraid of how I'll cope if the pregnancy is lost, I'm afraid of how I'll cope if the pregnancy is healthy, I'm afraid to _not_ ttc. Everything j'ust _sucks_ right now. I guess that what I wanted to say. It sucks, sucks, sucks.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Your right, it sucks! It just does, there's no two ways about it. Around 3-4 weeks after our loss was when the fog began to lift and I _really_ began to feel the grief. I spent a long time not eating unless someone set food in front of me; I had no awareness of needing to eat. We ate out almost every meal for about 6m because I just couldn't muster the energy to do anything. As far as the not sleeping, my dr. sent me home with a prescription for sleeping pills, which they also gave me in the hospital. Although i didn't take them every night, just knowing that they were available if I needed them was helpful. DH and I took to calling those blank days Sam days, and even now, it is our code word for I need a little extra support, I'm missing her a lot, her loss has gotten me down today. We don't even need to talk about anymore necessarily, it just helps for the other to be aware and offer that extra hug or pick up so I don't have to kind of thing.

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted you to know that someone else has been there, and it does get better, and you do get through it. Not over it, but through it. Since you are already seeing a counselor, any chance you could bump that up to once a week for a while? We did grief counseling, mainly as a couple, for several months and it was a really good thing for us. In our case, our grief touched off other deeper issues that we had been dealing with, then ignoring, so it was good to get it all out and worked on.

I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there and take it day by day, moment by moment as you need to. Don't let anyone rush you to get over it--grief happens on it's own timeline, unfortunately. Feel free to PM me if you like.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh, I know just how you feel. Your loss is so new, so raw still. The way you feel is absolutely normal. And it totally sucks.

But . . . .

It will get better. You will stop forgetting everything. It will take a few minutes once you awaken each day to remember that you have lost a baby. (every week or so, it takes a bit longer for the reality of loss to smack me in the face)

You will have to trust those of us here who have been through this. It really does get easier . .. .

take care.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Yes, a miscarriage is soooo much harder to get through than anyone would ever know, until going through it.

Keep in mind you are probably still a hormonal roller coaster---that really does play a huge role. Like the worst PMS day, multiplied by a thousand.

Some part of this grief will probably always be with you, be with all of us. You knew about your baby for how long? Almost 4 months? All that anticipation, a lifetime of hopes and plans...you don't lose that and not reel from the impact. It's worthy of grief.

So don't be hard on yourself. The sleeping and eating, the cleaning and doing, it will all come back in time. Just feel what you need to, cry when you need to, let the unnecessary stuff slide for awhile longer.

You won't always feel this way. There will still be hard days, but they will be fewer and farther between.

It will be better. Hang in there. You are absolutely not alone.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

It is so hard. All I can say is that on those days when it feels like you will never be happy again just hold on ... it does get better.

I am just over a month out from my most recent miscarriage and I am just starting to feel normal again. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like someone was standing on my chest.








I know how hard it is but I also know from experience that it does get better a tiny bit at a time. You won't ever forget but over time that huge hole in your heart won't feel so big and you'll be able to laugh and function again.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
Keep in mind you are probably still a hormonal roller coaster---that really does play a huge role. Like the worst PMS day, multiplied by a thousand.

So true! I just finished my first post-mc AF. The first time I have had a period this year and I actually am starting to to feel like I did before all of this pregnancy, pain and loss.


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## widdlelou (Feb 28, 2006)

I couldn't not post. I swear it was just like one of the posts or things I had written a couple months ago to a tee. I felt numb and horrible and I wanted to hate everything but not even give that much energy to do it. I wanted nothing that stood for happiness and life really around me. But I have a 2 year old, and sometimes I just had a very hard time even forcing a smile or laugh for her.

And nobody feels that way around you. And its so hard to feel it all alone. Finally one day I just started ranting on my myspace page a really long blog of how horrid I feel, and the wife of one of my husband's friends opened up to me that she was goign through the same thing. I had talked to her twice before (and once was at her wedding) and the next day we met for lunch and it was such a relief. Ranting here was a relief. ANd I felt so rushed by people to get past this, and you can't. Your baby died. ANd not even my husband, as close as we are, could understand that. I remember thinking taht I don't know if I will ever be able to feel free to feel happy again or just laugh out of the blue. I thought that I woudl never be the same me again, and that made my soul hurt.

But one day. My daughter walked out with her underwear on her head and my bra on and I laughed freely, it was like caught myself. ANd then one morning I woke up and got out of bed without first hesitiating and thinking how much I hate the day. And one night I didnt' have to take a sleepign pill and I was able to sleep. And then less and less days were consumed by utter saddness. Of course some days snuck in that knocked me off my feet with saddness. I think hormones play a big part in it,a nd the rest is grievin and you are right it sucks. Its a beast. But know, one day you will be able to smile without thinkgin again. And one day you will make a joke out of the blue and feel that fog lift a little. But the baby always stays in your heart and I know at first when I began feeling better I was kind of sad b/c I was worried that .. its hard to explain... but that the baby I lost was kind of leaving me, but it doesn't. I think I was almost afraid to let it go. But time heals. And you will find yourself again. until then take care of yourself, or let others take care of you.


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## mb122 (Aug 20, 2004)

i hear you and i'm so sorry you're hurting. i remember those feelings too. i m/c in Jan (at 13 weeks) and the whole month of Jan and even Feb is still a blur to me. i don't think i did much of anything but sit and watch my two kids. i remember feeling numb and hollow. of feeling angry and alone b/c i was grieving alone (DH got over it quicker, it seemed).

for me, having some closure helped. we were able to bury our baby in a small bag that i knit for it. i also bought a special ring (from the sundance catalog) so that i would always have something to remember the baby by. i touch the ring a lot and feel like it's a way to always have that baby with me.

i am still scared to TTC/not TTC and feel so down everytime AF shows up (even though i'm torn about trying).

i didn't mean to make this about me...sorry. just letting you know things get easier with time - that certain feelings lessen as the weeks pass. so many women here understand. it, too, never realized how devastating a m/c would be. it's amazing how many of my friends/family have come out of the woodword to tell me they m/c also at some point in the past.


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