# My Girlfriend's Daughter Home Alone



## halfshellie (Nov 27, 2011)

Hi,

My good good friend leaves her 16 year old daughter home alone approximately 2 to 3 nights a week. Is this ok? She has been doing this for a couple of years. I was under the impression that their live in uncle was there every night and her daughter wasn't alone. I just found out that the live in uncle isn't there most of the time. I told her that her daughter should never stay home alone and she could stay with me when the uncle isn't going to be home. I read another thread here that said 16 or 17 is the age when they can spend the night alone but this is a few times a week. Like I said she has been doing it for a couple of years and all has been good. However that doesn't mean that something couldn't still happen.

What do you think? And if you think that the daughter shouldn't stay alone that many nights a week how should I approach that with her? My girlfriend is spending those nights at her boyfriends house. I know the daughter doesn't want to spend the night at the boyfriends. I wish she would just stay with me when her Mom isn't going to be home. You should also know that I don't have children and that fact might complicate things if the majority think that she is taking an unnecessary risk by leaving her daughter alone overnight that many nights a week.

Thanks........


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## tooraloora (Oct 15, 2010)

It would really depend on the child, imo. I wouldn't bat an eye at a reasonably responsible 16 year old staying home alone, as long she's comfortable doing so. Sure, something could happen, but at this age, she should be able to tackle a bit of problem solving. Does she know what to do in case of emergency? Does she have a way of contacting her mother? Does the mother trust her?


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I wouldn't be at all concerned about a 16 year old spending the night alone, unless the girl is scared and wants someone to be around.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

It may not be an ideal situation nor one I agree with (leaving a minor several nights a week to be with a boyfriend) however, 16-year-olds are certainly capable of it. My parents left me for 2 weeks at that age. They had planned a family vacation but I had a job that meant a lot to me and I didn't want to take the time off. It wasn't a big deal at all.


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

It sounds like she's fine home alone. When I was 16, I went overseas on vacation alone (with a friend). Sixteen-year-olds are actually very responsible. While I don't agree with setting the example of leave a teenaged girl home alone to go sleep with a boyfriend (why doesn't he come to their house?), it's a choice that mom is making that is really none of your business. Sorry!


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Unless the 16 y.o. has indicated some discomfort about it, I don't think you have a basis to get involved. What is the "something" that you think could happen? Presumably a 16 y.o. knows about safety using the stove and other appliances, isn't playing irresponsibly with matches, building shaky structures with the furniture and climbing on top of it, keeps the doors locked and doesn't invite strangers into the home...and all the other worrisome things that small children might do if they are left unsupervised.

We left my newly 17 y.o. DS alone for a week because he couldn't get time off from his summer job for a planned family vacation. I texted him once a day to stay in contact. He was well versed in emergency procedures, had contacts (family and friends) in case he needed help, and is generally a trustworthy, responsible kid.

You may want to mention to your friend to make sure that her smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detector and fire extinguisher are all in working order. We also keep flashlights handy, in case of emergencies. If her dd doesn't have a cell phone, that may be another measure to take, in case the home line fails.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

If it works for them... Then I don't see the issue. As long as she knows how to get a hold of her mother if she needs to.


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## Alphaghetti (May 26, 2005)

I think that a typical 16 yo girl should be more than safe and capable. I do wonder though, how is there any amount of parental bonding or togetherness going on if mom's away from home this much?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Lots of 16 yr olds are parents themselves, or babysit overnight for other children. I can't imagine why a developmentally normal 16 yr old would not be perfectly fine to be left alone.


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## sharon71 (May 27, 2005)

DH have on occasion let our 16 and 14 yr old daughters stay overnight alone at home they are both pretty responsible people.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I wouldn't think anything of it either. As long as she isn't throwing wild parties, or afraid to be alone, I wouldn't bat an eye.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

My parents started leaving us for weekends when I was 14 with just my cousin looking in on us. Of course we did have wild parties and all kinds of things going on that should not have been. I would most likely not choose to do this.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

I was pretty shocked to see this thread. When I was sixteen I went off to college. I can appreciate being concerned about this perhaps at 14, though I probably would not unless I thought the 14 year old was in some way self-destructive and unpredictable. But I am very surprised that you would be concerned about it now, especially since as you said, she's been doing it for 2 years and nothing has happened. But I do consider 16 year olds to be some kind of adult. An adult in need of guidance, who should be paying attention to the wisdom of elders in matters of long-term importance. But some kind of adult, who can hold a job, drive a car, and use a phone.

Obviously if your child is mentally ill and not stable on medication, or physically unable to summon help because of a physical defect, or something like that then you wouldn't want to leave them alone three nights a week at age 30.


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## dealic (Feb 25, 2007)

I was 16 or newly 17 when my parents left me alone for a week with my younger 2 sisters (14 and 12) so they could celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. I don't see this as crazy. My youngest sister started university at 17. She actually completed her whole first semester of university while still 17 (and she was a young 17).


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, personally. It would take nothing for a person with evil intent to notice she's home alone and get into the house, especially if she's home on a routine basis.

It's not illegal, though, most likely. States vary on how old you have to be to be home alone. The only time that prosecution comes into the picture, typically, is after something awful happens. Then the parent can be brought up on neglect charges. However, my guess is that 16 is old enough everywhere to be legally left alone.


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## livacreature (Feb 8, 2011)

I lived alone for several months as a teen while my parents were out of the city for my father to seek medical treatment. I do think it is situational. Is the area they live in safe? Is the daughter responsible? Seems to me like a personal parenting call. If you bring it up, I would offer as an option, not telling her that she is wrong or you think she is being an irresponsible parent. Something along the lines of "If Jill gets bored being alone, she is welcome to stay with me." I would have been really offended at the notion that I wasn't responsible enough to handle myself in my parents' absense at 16 or 17.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

Nope- not a big deal.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I babysat young kids overnight when I was 16. I don't see a problem with this at all, so long as the 16-year-old is OK with it.


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## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

Not only do I think it's okay for a 16-year-old to stay home alone for a several days at a time, but I think if a 16-year-old isn't capable of staying home alone much, it indicates a problem the family needs to start addressing if they haven't already. I mean, if you're 16 years old, you're at most 2 years away from being a legal adult and college-aged, and it's a little unrealistic to expect someone to learn Independence and self-sufficiency overnight on one's 18th birthday. It's one thing to plan to live with your parents until you're in your 20's but what if circumstances change?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *caedenmomma*
> 
> I wouldn't be comfortable with it, personally. It would take nothing for a person with evil intent to notice she's home alone and get into the house, especially if she's home on a routine basis.


 But surely that could be said of anyone, of any age or sex - would you consider it unsafe for anyone at all to live alone?


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

I was about 8 when I was left home alone to find dinner and go to sleep by myself. not all night but most of it. 16 is awfully old.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Yes, like a 20 year old being home on a routine basis, or a single 30 year old professional. On this fear we should keep our daughters home in the family until they are in a marital pairing.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *caedenmomma*
> 
> I wouldn't be comfortable with it, personally. It would take nothing for a person with evil intent to notice she's home alone and get into the house, especially if she's home on a routine basis.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> Not only do I think it's okay for a 16-year-old to stay home alone for a several days at a time, but I think if a 16-year-old isn't capable of staying home alone much, it indicates a problem the family needs to start addressing if they haven't already. I mean, if you're 16 years old, you're at most 2 years away from being a legal adult and college-aged, and it's a little unrealistic to expect someone to learn Independence and self-sufficiency overnight on one's 18th birthday. It's one thing to plan to live with your parents until you're in your 20's but what if circumstances change?


I don't know about this. My cousin is a very young 16 and is very immature. She would not be ready to stay home alone at this point (she's also the baby of her family - that may have something to do with it). I don't think it indicates a problem within her family, she's just immature (her older sister though is a very mature 20yo college student, and has always been mature for her age). Maturity is a very individual thing, and each person gets there in their own time.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *caedenmomma*
> 
> I wouldn't be comfortable with it, personally. It would take nothing for a person with evil intent to notice she's home alone and get into the house, especially if she's home on a routine basis.


Thing is... that could happen regardless. My daughter and I were BOTH home, lights on, two dogs in the house. And someone broke in. Luckily, nothing happened except that he took off when I charged him with a hockey stick. But still - it could have happened whether I wrre home or not.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> I don't know about this. My cousin is a very young 16 and is very immature. She would not be ready to stay home alone at this point (she's also the baby of her family - that may have something to do with it). I don't think it indicates a problem within her family, she's just immature (her older sister though is a very mature 20yo college student, and has always been mature for her age). Maturity is a very individual thing, and each person gets there in their own time.


Perhaps not a "problem" with the family, but they should be working with her to help get her up to speed before she's ready to be on her own. By 16, she *should* be approaching a point where she can be responsible enough to stay home alone. I don't leave my 17yo home overnight, because she's not comfortable with it (even more so since the above episode). But, if there were an emergency? She'd be able to cope with it. I would be concerned if she couldn't.


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## rcr (Jul 29, 2008)

Seriously? 16? and one post? hmmmmmm.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rcr*
> 
> Seriously? 16? and one post? hmmmmmm.


Could be a troll but I don't think it's a totally ridiculous concern. Certainly, 16-year-olds are capable but how many of us would make a habit of leaving them several nights a week to shag a boyfriend? Teenagers can be quite responsible and reliable but they can also be reckless and rebellious. A girl who is left for a boyfriend 2-3 nights a week may very well be one to worry about.

Of course, the OP is just a family friend. If the kid were 12 or in immediate danger, she might be able to do something. However, in this situation, all she can do is offer her a place to stay if she would rather not be alone. Still, I don't blame her for having some concerns.


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## Raquel12 (Jan 25, 2012)

Really?! I can't believe people think it's OK to leave a 16 alone 2-3 nights EVERY week. Sure, they can handle this once in a while, but every week? No way! This is child neglect. No decent parent would act so selfishly. A parent is responsible for a child until they're 18 years of age. You can't take off half the time just because the child is getting older. The 16 year old should be learning to cut ties with the parent an her own terms, not the parents. I'm SURE this teenager is angry, scared and lonely, even if she won't admit it.


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## artekah (Apr 26, 2009)

Huh. I would have been absolutely fine alone in my house at 16. Not scared or lonely or anything. I probably would have enjoyed the time alone to read in my room or whatever. If they've been doing it for 2 years already it obviously works for them. Maybe some 16-year-old girls are too immature for that arrangement but I'd say most really are young adults and should be treated as such.


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## silversparrow (Oct 21, 2011)

I was babysitting overnight from the age of 12 for the toddlers across the street. From 14 to 18 I would house/ cat-sit for my grandfather while he was in Mexico for a couple weeks each winter. I looked after the house and went to school every day and enjoyed having the quiet time to myself to watch cable TV, cook myself nice meals, take longs baths, and play guitar. (I have four younger siblings so time alone was precious : )

I also had several friends that babysat overnight, or at least late at night, from the age of 14.

It's really not a big deal IMO.


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## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Raquel12*
> 
> Really?! I can't believe people think it's OK to leave a 16 alone 2-3 nights EVERY week. Sure, they can handle this once in a while, but every week? No way! This is child neglect. No decent parent would act so selfishly. A parent is responsible for a child until they're 18 years of age. You can't take off half the time just because the child is getting older. The 16 year old should be learning to cut ties with the parent an her own terms, not the parents. I'm SURE this teenager is angry, scared and lonely, even if she won't admit it.


There's a lot more to being responsible for a child than being in the same building they're in. Someone isn't taking time time off from being a parent just because there's a certain amount of distance between them and their kid.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kedrosami*
> 
> If they've been doing it for 2 years already it obviously works for them.


Actually, I gotta enthusiastically disagree with the idea that parent-child interactions must work for both of them if they've kept doing it. It really only proves it's working for the parent.

But I


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Hmm, I have two teenagers at home, and while we eat dinner together every night, after that we might not see each other until bedtime (I make a point of saying goodnight). They are in their rooms doing homework, or playing their instruments, or just hanging out - but not with DH and me. In any given week, DH might have a meeting at church, a work-related function, or a shopping trip, leaving the boys home alone.

My sons and two friends went on a no-adult backpacking trip with they were 14. They planned their meals, bought their groceries, packed their gear, planned their route - all I did was register their campsites in a state park (since one needs to be 18 to do so). Teenagers can be pretty responsible, given the opportunity.

Look at the OP's situation from the other side: 3 or 4 nights a week the Mom IS home with her teenage daughter. Maybe on those nights they cook something special, watch a movie together, play cards, chat - they could have a lot more quality time together than a parent/child who are in the same house every evening, but don't communicate or interact at all.


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## Raquel12 (Jan 25, 2012)

A parent who leaves a teenager alone 2-3 nights each week is most definitely taking time off as a parent. A normal developing teenager is indeed ready to spend time away from a parent. I myself babysat every Wednesday night for my neighbors from ages 15-17. Not a problem for me at all. Why? Because it was my choice. It was wonderful practice for making decisions and being responsible before I left for my college years. All the stories being told on this forum about being left alone as a teenager are wonderful opportunities for maturity. They are NOT the same thing as being left alone for half a week year after year. There will be scars.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Raquel12*
> 
> A parent who leaves a teenager alone 2-3 nights each week is most definitely taking time off as a parent. A normal developing teenager is indeed ready to spend time away from a parent. I myself babysat every Wednesday night for my neighbors from ages 15-17. Not a problem for me at all. Why? Because it was my choice. It was wonderful practice for making decisions and being responsible before I left for my college years. All the stories being told on this forum about being left alone as a teenager are wonderful opportunities for maturity. They are NOT the same thing as being left alone for half a week year after year. There will be scars.


I agree with this post.

It is normal and healthy for parents and teens to spend time away from each other, and most teens are capable of spending the night alone without adults.

None the less, the degree to which the teen in the OP is being left alone sound really unhealthy to me. Not because the teen isn't responsible enough to care for themselves, just that at some point, it get lonely.

I can think of lots of ways for a 16 year old to stop being lonely, and none of them good. Part of the reason that humans come in families is so we can keep each other company.


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## sharon71 (May 27, 2005)

We don't know anything other than what the OP has posted we don't know if the teen daughter and mother have an agreement and the daughter is ok staying alone while her mother is gone or not.


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## Jennyanydots (Sep 8, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Raquel12*
> 
> A parent who leaves a teenager alone 2-3 nights each week is most definitely taking time off as a parent. A normal developing teenager is indeed ready to spend time away from a parent. I myself babysat every Wednesday night for my neighbors from ages 15-17. Not a problem for me at all. Why? Because it was my choice. It was wonderful practice for making decisions and being responsible before I left for my college years. All the stories being told on this forum about being left alone as a teenager are wonderful opportunities for maturity. They are NOT the same thing as being left alone for half a week year after year. There will be scars.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> It is normal and healthy for parents and teens to spend time away from each other, and most teens are capable of spending the night alone without adults.
> 
> None the less, the degree to which the teen in the OP is being left alone sound really unhealthy to me. Not because the teen isn't responsible enough to care for themselves, just that at some point, it get lonely.


I agree with these. I'm really surprised so many people can't understand why the OP would be concerned. I have 2 teenage daughters, and while they are perfectly capable of being left on their own, if I were to do what the OP's friend is doing it would undoubtedly be destabilizing and unhealthy for them. I've never left them alone overnight, but I have on occasion left them alone until very late, and I have little doubt that they're responsible enough to handle anything that might come up. DD1 will be 16 in a couple of months, and I would be very concerned if I found out one of her friends was being left alone overnight several nights a week.

I did have a friend in high school whose mother did something similar. My friend and her older brother (both still in hs) were left alone several days straight every week while their mom stayed with her boyfriend who lived on the other side of town. They eventually married and she actually moved out informally- maintaining both houses and keeping one foot in the door with the kids! No one burned the house down, starved to death, or threw huge parties, but there were plenty of other things going on that shouldn't have been, and it left a lasting mark on the kids. They felt lonely and abandoned, and neither one has a good relationship with their mom, even all these years later BECAUSE of how she left them.

I know the anecdote about my friend is just a personal story and may not bring much to bear on the OP's situation, but it came to mind immediately when I read her post. I thin k OP should keep encouraging her friend to let the girl stay with her. She may not need a babysitter, but she's still a kid and could probably use the guidance, company, and stability of having an adult around.


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## bronxmom (Jan 22, 2008)

I am a fairly liberal parent and believe I err on the side of encouraging independence. In fact, my daughter (almost 13) is quite independent and will spend days and early evenings by herself. However, I also question this arrangement. The question really isn't whether the 16 year old is capable of spending the night alone. Frankly, I think my daughter is likely "capable" of spending the night alone. But most people of all ages need some kind of regular social interaction and it seems a lot to ask a 16 year old to handle themselves half the week. And I would imagine there's at least the possibility of feelings of abandonment if mom is off with boyfriend. One night a week I could imagine. Of figuring out a way for the kid to spend the night at a friend's house so mom can go out. I am a single mom and so am sensitive to the need for mom to date, have a life, etc. But if the OP is willing to host the daughter a couple of nights/week that seems ideal. It could be an opportunity for the 16 year old to bond with an adult female who is not a parent and have another person to confide in. I know kids are becoming really independent at that age, but I feel like the security of knowing that an adult is always there to catch and support you is critical.

also, i'm wondering why the daughter doesn't want to spend time with the boyfriend. that struck me funny as well


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