# The pain is so BAD!!! (Long)



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I thought I was doing better. We buried Alexa yesterday, & where I found the strength do it I do not know. Maybe it was her with me. Dh had his moments yesterday & I was there for him, strong as a rock. I remember dreading getting to the church & then when I saw her lying there, I could not get there fast enough to hold her. She was so beautiful in her pink & white dress & crown of flowers in her hair. I was strong during the burial & reception. Last night we went through the many cards & gifts friends & family gave us. But sleep was restless, even with my Ds snuggling next to me. I have woke up in so much pain. My older children are fighting. I weep. I have lost the strength I had yesterday. Does it ever come back permenatly?
My LLL friends made me a huge quilt, it's softness reminds me of her. I wrap myself in it, but it does not help. I want a child to hold & love. I want a baby to suckle at my breast, not a pump. I saw babies at the store in plastic carries & I just want to grab them and hold them close. Oh this is so awful. I do not know how I will get through this. I try to focus on my kids here & hold them & love them but it is not the same. I still have a huge void in my life right now. I still have battle wounds from her birth. They hurt. My iv placement is now bruised, where they took blood is bruised, I have BP hickies on my arms, my incision & abdomen where they took my child from my womb hurts. The pain today is awful. I just keep crying & can not stop. I do not know what to do. I am supposed to tending to a baby right now & she is gone. Never to come back. I have so much regret in my decisions, I am second guessing everything I believe in. Oh the guilt of it all. I just want to crawl into a hole & be Osama Bin Laudin & hide forever, never to be found. I know I have older children to take care of & nurture but it is not the same. They are self sufficient. I wanted a baby to hold & nurse & bathe & clothe, & change diapers. I wanted a baby to hold in a sling & love.
This is getting long, I could go on forever. I greive. I weep. I am so sad today. I just want the sting to lesson a little bit. Will it ever??????????????


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I wish I had something to say that could ease the pain.

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, and couldn't possibly leave this thread without posting a







you are such a strong mama. your angel will always be watching over you.


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## djs_girl517 (Feb 29, 2004)




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## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

Sweet Christina, I cant even imagine your pain. It is amazing the feeling of pain one can feel and still somehow breath and keeping going on- but then again is there a choice? We can not control life or death and somehow we second guess our choices for some kind of comfort yet it doesnt happen, it makes us feel worse. Death is the hardest part of life, it is unfair and unjust to all. I hope you take the time you need. It is ture, you will never be the same, you never stop hurting but it will get less painful- somehow. Your body needs time, your heart needs time and you need time. I wish there was some magic that could make it all not real, that could take your pain and make it joy. If there was I would bless it to you. I love your daughters name. I will be thinking of you and your family.


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

I am so sorry.

I wish there were something to say or do.

You are doing this...it doesn't feel like it, but each step you take, each breath you inhale, each hug you give your older children....Your are bravely moving through this really hard and painful time.

keep writing, keep posting, keep feeling. You are doing the hardest work of all by just keeping on.

Hugs and love to you


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Cristina,
I just want to send you so many hugs and make it better. It is so so hard in the beginning. Grieving is extremely hard work and it won`t always feel this bad. Feeling it is part of it, the pain is awful, I used to think of this lyric from a Soundgarden song, "Give me little bits of more than I can take." That`s how it felt for me. Each moment can be harder than the next. You will probably have many days like yesterday where you feel stronger,and many days like today, but they do get fewer. Your daughter was so loved and that`s why it hurts so much. I am thinking about you today and I am hoping for some peace for you. It is still very new for you, I wish I could help you , you sound like a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

I am so sorry, mama. I wish I could help carry your burden so you could get some rest.


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## crazymom (Jun 4, 2005)

Christina,
I cannot read any of your posts without crying ....I know it can't help, but there are people out here who are grieving for you and wish your pain could go away....I know for myself I am loving, hugging, kissing my children more because of your posts....you are so strong and I don't know how you do it....tears are falling down my cheeks as I type this....
I was out driving today and listening to one of my favorite CDs of Celine Dion and it came to the song "My Heart Will Go On" and I thought of you and said a prayer for you and your daughter.....my heart goes out to you and your family!!

"Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on........

Keep posting and getting out your grief in any way you can!! My love to you and your family!!


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Cristina, - I type your name then words suddenly feel so inadequate. As the others have said, you are doing what needs to be done to get to tomorrow. Every day just breathe in and out - one day you won't have to remind yourself to do so so much. Time will never take away this wound, but it will lessen the pain a bit. It is still so early. Your daughter is so missed and so loved. You are in my thoughts and I wish so badly that I could take away this tragedy for you.


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## peacenlove (Apr 1, 2003)

Cristina, You are in my thoughts too.








love kathleen


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

It never goes away.







: for you.

I never lost a child, G-d spared me that one tragedy in my life.

I did lose a sister, a younger sister who simply fell asleep next to me on the couch while watching television one evening. She was two, I was six.

That was forty-five years ago.

My mom and Father never got over it. There was a hole in our lives, in our hearts where she was and it has never been filled...

The loss of a child is so great that there is no word for it since you cannot replace that child.

When a spouse dies, a person is a widow(er); when parents die, a child is an orphan - someone can replace the spouse or parent.

Bur when a child dies, no child, no one can replace that child. That child lives on in your heart.

Later, you will learn to gather strength from this event, not now.

G-d bless and may S/He carry you in LIFE.








s


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

OH Cristina,

We are walking a very difficult path. I feel your pain and am grieving right beside you. My son Freddie would be 5 weeks old. He died and we buried him 4 weeks ago. The pain is still overwhelming.

I was wanting to post last night about how much pain I am still in.

Like Alistair's mom wrote, Grieving is hard work. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do. Nothing can be done to me that will hurt more or make me feel any worse. This truly is as low as I can go.

Do not expect to be better right away, and let yourself cry. I still cry everyday more than once, some days it is all I can do not to cry all day long. It is still very hard to get out of bed everyday.

Do you know of anyone who has lost a baby that you can sit and talk to? Or find a local support group. I have found solace in hearing others stories and being with others who know and understand what I am feeling.

Because wanting to crawl into a hole and die is something we do really all have in common.

I read something last night and then changed it up a little to suit my needs....

"unto us a child was born, and then taken away. We do not pretend to understand, only to accept and love"

I am one month out, and still in pain, but am able to do more and more each day. Be proud of yourself when you are able to do little things again. When I was able to give my 2 year old a bath, that was a big day for me. It happens but is a very slow process.

take your time, and be kind to yourself, this was not your fault.
love, Robin


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## CaliMommie (Feb 11, 2004)

Cristina~
I can't even begin to understand your pain, but I just wanted to post and tell you again that you are not alone. You didn't do anything wrong~ I remember reading your posts in the May Group & I know you did all of the right things for your Alexa. During the time you carried her she was so loved, cherised, nurtured. I know nothing I type can ease the pain, but I will always remember Alexa.


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

Cristina, I don't know how it would help you, but I can tell you I could have written your post myself.
Perhaps just to know that your feelings are normal, within our new painful normality.

It has been of help to me to write a lot about my feelings, I don't have a lot of people around to talk to, so writing makes my thoughts and feelings somehow acknowledged and that helps.

Tomorrow will be one month since Victor died, and the pain is always there, sometimes stronger than others.

I'm here to talk if you need to.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Cristina,











































It seems like yesterday that I was feeling exactly as you are right now. It has been 15 months on the 26th of this month since my baby girl (37 weeks) was cut from my womb and breasts aching only for her, not a pump. I, too, have two other older children...they did/do need me...it still didn't and still doesn't take the pain away.
I can promise you that the pain does get easier and smoother...but it doesn't go away..it never will.

Love, Peace and Comfort to you sister....

~Jackie


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## mmmummy (Mar 12, 2005)

i know the pain of not having my babies be where they should be-in my arms.
i think about them constantly and will miss and love them forever.
i only wish they could be here..i would do whatever i had to do to get them back.

but i cant,and it hurts so badly. and i am so deeply sorry that you feel that same pain. it is a longing,a wanting beyond words,isnt it?? and it isnt fair and it doesnt make any sense whatsoever,i dont think it ever wil-it cant.

its also a great joy,alongside the sadness,to have our babes,even if they arent with us as they should be. it is good to be their mums,to have such a strong and endless love for them despite not mothering them here as we would like,to know them as our very own..i am proud of my wee ones,and know they are equal to my earthbound children no matter what others may think..my husband and i will always understand how special they are..thats not something everyone sees. i am glad that i could hold them in my womb for that little time,that they knew that warm and cozy place for awhile. i only wish it was longer,i only wish they could be here with me now..

i know im not helping,but i just wanted to say "i understand"..the hurt and the wondering why and the desperate desire for your baby back..and that i am so sorry..just so so sorry that you have to know this pain too..i wish that you didnt have to..


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Thank you caring Mamas so much. Today is a much better day. Last evening was bad as well, with my sisters ill words. I struck back the only way I could & yelled so hard that my abdomen hurt. Afterwards Dh & I came home with our other two kids. They were so mad at their Auntie for being so calous. Anyway, we watched Star Wars IV, and it really helped to go to another place in my mind. Half way through the movie, I had guilt for not being absorbed with Alexa. Where is the balance????? Dh & I actually stopped the movie after the other 2 fell asleep & went over her pictures again.

I fear forgetting my Alexa. Did anyone feel that way too? I am writing & journaling so much so that I can read back later what I was feeling so I do not forget. I know for me with my 1st two, the memories fade of them moving inside me, but I had them on the outside so it was ok. With Alexa that is all have! That is all I knew of her, and I fear not remembering her. That makes me so sad, I never want to forget her moving & growing inside me.

Thank you for being her for me. I feel everyones support. Does anyone know of SHARE? Anyone go?


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## patty_g (May 30, 2005)

I can only tell you what I wanted people to tell me. You will get through. And you won't forget. You can't. She is a part of you and will forever be in your mind and heart. But eventually it will be with joy and gratitude that you will remember her. I don't know what your sister said to you that hurt so much, but I can tell you that it is best to just forgive those people. I really believe they just don't have a clue what to say or how to say it and the anger we feel towards them isn't really about them, it is about the pain we are in and it gives us an external outlet for our anger at the situation we find ourselves in. At least that is my experience. I am going to post here a poem that a woman (that I didn't know) gave to me at my son's funeral. She had been given it to her at her son's funeral. Not a good legacy, I know, but the one that we have inherited.

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said,
"for you to love while he lives and mourn for while he's dead.
It may be six or seven weeks or years 22 or 3,
but will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief
you'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over in my search for teachers true,
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, thy will be done,
for all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've know, forever grateful stay,
but should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned
we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

It has been 8 years for my family, and please if anyone thinks it would help, please PM me. I would consider it an honor to support you through this difficult time. To me it is one of the ways that some good comes from such a painful loss and a way to honor my own child's memory.








: Patty, mother to







Abdullah (12/07/91-01/16/97),







Yousuf 07/05/02, and







Tabarak 02/14/05. Married to DH for 15 years







.


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## awise (Jun 20, 2005)

It's a sad sisterhood to which we belong. An exclusive club you do not want to join.

To Cristina: Yes, I know a bit about SHARE. It's a support group dealing specifically with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss. After our daughter died this past January, my husband and I attended several sessions. We did find them helpful. We've also attended (and are still attending) private counseling.
What I've found most beneficial is a validation of what we're experiencing. For the first several months I really thought I was losing my mind. I would hear a baby crying, or I would break down crying uncontrollably, or I couldn't focus enough to remember to rinse the shampoo from my hair. My entire body ached, I had no ambition nor did I care. I just wanted to sleep and never wake.
The support group, and counseling, guided us through those first incredibly difficult months.
We are now almost 7 months out in our grief work. I've learned grief is very much like waves in an ocean. One moment I would feel as though I was finally getting a handle on my life, I could smile when thinking of her and function well enough. Then, suddenly, what happened would come crashing down on me and I'd have a "bad day." I've learned to accept and work around my decreased ability, to roll with the waves. The world will not end if I don't vacuum the cat hair from the sunny spot in front of the window. If I need some alone time or have a particularly bad day, I don't go to work. If I don't feel like cooking, we'll get take out.
SHARE and counseling didn't shorten the journey across the ocean of grief. They enabled me to find what was necessary to use as my own personal life preserver.
All I can suggest is try it and see if it helps you.

-Angela
Olivia's mommy 10/11/04 - 01/01/05


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Angela,

I could have written much of what you expressed word for word. You hit the nail on the head.

My son was born the day your daughter died. I believe he died that day also, but medical technology kept his body alive. We held on to hope that he might recover, but once all the test showed that wasn't going to happen, we let him go.

The closest support groups are an hour drive or more away, and I have 4 other little ones who need me. I haven't been to any meetings. I have found boards like this one very helpful, and talking to a couple kind and sad mothers God has brought my way just when I needed them.

Only a month and a half after Liam died there was a guest speaker at our church, and he mentioned that his first son died at birth. This had been 15 years before, and they had since had several more children. Talking to them was SO helpful. His wife was with him, and she told me the first year is particularly hard, and for her, she had no other children to nurture, and all the nurturing energy of a mother with no outlet for it. It was encouraging to see her surviving, and able to smile and function. It was like I was going through a long dark tunnel, and I couldn't see any light, but I could hear voices up ahead telling me to keep moving, the only way out is through, and if I kept doing the next thing and breathing in and out eventually I would get better. I knew I would never "get over it" and forget him, but I have more days now where I feel better, and feel able to function. Then I have other days where I just can't. I have learned to be gentle with myself, and face my grief and sadness. Pushing it down just makes it come back with a vengeance anyways.

Now I think I'm just rambling. Sorry. I know how hard it is, how horribly it hurts, and how much questoning and second-guessing runs through the mind late at night when sleep won't come. (My son was supposed to be my second picture perfect home waterbirth, not a nightmare surprise footling breech, hospital transfer, and dead baby. If I had been seing a doctor, would they have caught the fact that he flipped 2 days before I went into labor? There are no guarantees in life.)

I'm not much farther along than you. There are still days where the darkness closes in around me, and the waves of grief pick me up and toss me around, but the calmer days, and the days where I feel peaceful are getting more frequent, and I can look back and see I have moved forward some. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 2 steps forward, 3 steps back is how it seems to go some days though.

Kathryn


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *awise*
It's a sad sisterhood to which we belong. An exclusive club you do not want to join.

-Angela
Olivia's mommy 10/11/04 - 01/01/05

Your words sum it all up. This is the saddest sisterhood. And I can admit, I can't stand that I have become a member.

Robin


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Tonight, I have gone from, regret & guilt & activism, to just REALLY MISSING MY BABY GIRL so bad! It hurts so much, I can not breathe again. Why does anyone have to suffer this fate? It does not make any sense in my mind. I see babies & I just long for wee one. I was supposed to have a newborn, & then just like the that, it is gone. All the dreams, fantasies will never come true. I recall dreaming about the 4th of july & carring my new baby in her sling to the fireworks display. That will not happen tomorrow. I dreamt about taking her to the beach, nursing her in public (such a lactavist I am!) and just wanting someone to make some comment to me! Cloth diapering, co sleeping. The co-sleeper my DH made just sits there, empty. So NOT FAIR! I am so MAD! And so sad. I do not understand.
I see my OB again this week. I am nervous for the words I am going to hear. Is he going to question my childbirth choice, as if I do not do that myself? Dh will go with me, but will that be enough to protect me?
So many questions, that just do not have any answers. It haunts me.
Thanks for listening & understanding.


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## bonbon mama (May 16, 2003)

It is too soon to feel together for more than a minute. Indulge yourself, take care of yourself, this is all horribly unfair and you're not supposed to be handling it well. One hour at a time. You are in my prayers.

I, too, felt the incredible gnawing and desperate need to mother an infant. After a few months, I found a lot of comfort in becoming a volunteer at a children's hospital that had a lot on long-term patients in serious need of what I so needed to offer. I needed snuggles and rocking and singing and all those babies needed me too.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Cristina,

I am soooo sorry for your loss. Your Alexa Rose knew the love and warmth of being in her mama's tummy and knows how much you still love her. Your baby Alexa and my baby Abdullah left us on the same day! I feel you pain, and I wish I could hold your hand and help you through this. Abdullah was our first child. I also feel afraid that I will forget him, but I know that I will not. Every hug you give your other children will be felt by little Alexa Rose. My heart goes out to you mama. I hope that there are better days ahead for both of us.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

You will never forget your babies. Time will ease the pain, but the ache will always be there.

To be honest, those months after Xiola died are a blur to me... the memories of the grief have softened... I remember wondering if it was possible to die of a broken heart. I was in physical pain, could not bear to be alone, and couldn't even complete the most mundane of tasks. Reading your posts has me in tears, because I remember how it was, thinking it would always be like that.

I just ache for all of you whose losses are so raw.

It has been 3 years, and I would have never thought then that I could ever be happy again... I am so grateful that I was wrong. Much love to all of you


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *XM*

It has been 3 years, and I would have never thought then that I could ever be happy again... I am so grateful that I was wrong. Much love to all of you










So can you really be happy again? I guess I need some reinforcement that it is possible.
I am living life now only because I have to... doing things because I have a 2 year old who loves hanging out with her friends. But I find very little enjoyment in any of it... sometimes my daughter makes me smile with somthing she says or does, but I dont feel happy, and I do wonder if I will ever be able to really feel happy (from the inside) ever again.

Robin


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Robin, yes, I am happy now. But I lost my baby over 3 years ago, so I have had time to grieve and heal.

I don't have the same innocence I had before I lost my daughter. If anything I almost feel like I am living my life more richly then before, because I know intimately how lucky we are to be here at all. I make time for the ones I love, to make sure that they know they are loved, and I have cut out the people who are a drag on my energy.

It takes time, but eventually the loss becomes a part of you, instead of what defines you. I still miss my baby and wish she were here, but now her memory carries more sweetness then pain. Three years ago, I never would have thought that would be possible. But it is


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I can not imagine true happiness again. I look at my belly pictures & I see happiness. I look at pictures from before I was pregnant & I saw life. I do not feel that now. All I feel is sad. Overwhelming sad. I have no idea when I will live again. The flowers that were sent are gone. The cards are stopping. Everyone is moving on, but I am having a hard time keeping up with it all. I can not believe she is gone. I keep thinking she will still be here, yet I know she won't. I can not stand it. So when, when do you feel better? When do the good days out number the bad days? Everyone says time will make it better. But time is passing so damn slow, I feel like it will never get here. But yet, this sunday it will be a month. That has gone by so fast. So surreal.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nydiagonz*
Cristina,

I am soooo sorry for your loss. Your Alexa Rose knew the love and warmth of being in her mama's tummy and knows how much you still love her. Your baby Alexa and my baby Abdullah left us on the same day! I feel you pain, and I wish I could hold your hand and help you through this. Abdullah was our first child. I also feel afraid that I will forget him, but I know that I will not. Every hug you give your other children will be felt by little Alexa Rose. My heart goes out to you mama. I hope that there are better days ahead for both of us.

Nadia, I am so sorry you lost your son Abdullah. Life is so not fair. No one should have the heart ache that we have. I know you will not forget your son. I will never forget my Alexa. I too hope there are better days ahead for us.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

Hugs to all you mommies...


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Cristina, I wish I had those answers for you. I remember asking Ms. Mom that after Xiola died, and she said the same thing to me.

I know that time seems to be standing still, even as it flies by. While its difficult not to think in the 'long-term', its really so important just to get yourself through each day at this point. Give yourself and your family time to move through the grief. It is such a difficult process but trying to run from the pain now will just mean it will be waiting for you down the road.

Um, if I could even give a timeline... it was 3w before I could handle driving a car. It was at least 6mo before I could sleep without a light on. It was 8mo before I was ready to go back to work. It was 14mo- after Ezra's birth- that I began to feel like I could trust the universe to not screw me again. It was sometime after her 2nd birthday that I could talk about her without weeping. Three years out, and the only bad days I really have are anniversaries and some holidays- but even then, not always, and not as bad as it was at first.

For me, definitely the first 6mo was the hardest... I know that seems an eternity when you are barely a month out...

Mamas, I swear to you that I thought I would never find true happiness again. But I have. And someday, you will too. I wish I could say when but I can't... I can only say that as you heal, you will find the good days outnumber the bad, until most of your days are good ones.

We have to go on... for our families, for our babies, for ourselves. It will never be easy, but it will get easier


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

XM, thank you for your wisdom. It really helps to talk with those who have been there & gone through this. I am going to PM you too.

I saw my OB today. It was nice to talk with him again, in a little bit clearer mind, compared to being in the hospital when it happened. He had no answers for me, which I understand, but I got to go over the pathology report of my placenta. While there were no answers, it was good to hear that my baby did not die due to my birth choices. My placenta was in normal range for my EDD, my baby did not have the appearance of post dates. I was wondering if my decision to go late & not be induced had something to do with her dying. He feels it did not. He did say something that has peaked my curiosity. He believes that SIDS is a continum of SADS (Just his theory, no proof. He has just seen alot of babies die, from SIDS & SADS for no reason.). That "if" we had induced or scheduled a C-Sec at 38,39,40 weeks, there is a possiblity that she could have succombed to SIDS later. There is no explanation for majority of SIDS, just like SADS. Something to think about.


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Debstmomy*
He had no answers for me, which I understand, but I got to go over the pathology report of my placenta. While there were no answers, it was good to hear that my baby did not die due to my birth choices. My placenta was in normal range for my EDD, my baby did not have the appearance of post dates. I was wondering if my decision to go late & not be induced had something to do with her dying. He feels it did not. He did say something that has peaked my curiosity. He believes that SIDS is a continum of SADS (Just his theory, no proof. He has just seen alot of babies die, from SIDS & SADS for no reason.). That "if" we had induced or scheduled a C-Sec at 38,39,40 weeks, there is a possiblity that she could have succombed to SIDS later. There is no explanation for majority of SIDS, just like SADS. Something to think about.

That is a very intresting theory your OB has. It sounds very logical! I have been following your posts & reading of the lack of study into SADS is very irratating to me as well. You are in my thoughts!


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

Cristina,
I cry for you every time I think of the loss of Alexa and your grief.

Please know I think of you and wish your baby was there in your arms where she belongs. I am so, so, very sorry.

May peace find you and love be with you and yours,

Katie


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Katie that you for your kinds words.

I want everyone to know I truly appreciate all the support I have here at MDC! I truly feel it. Thank you.

Yesterday was my first LLL meeting since Alexa died. I was so nervous, but I really wanted to go. I need some normalcy in my life. It was so hard to walk into that room, but I did it. I sat down & quickly saw 2 new babies had joined us at this meeting. A 3 weeker, & a 6 weeker. I did not contribute to the meeting that much. At first I was feeling like I did not belong there anymore, that feeling surprised me. However, toward the end I did fianaly start to speak, a little. At the end, I went to the Moms that had little ones. I asked to hold them. That felt so good. I just held & loved those babies. It really helped. I have to say, helping Mom & Babies is still my calling. I enjoyed answering those Mama's questions after the meeting, like I was finally doing something postive again. Just had to share.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Cristina,

I am so glad that you were able to get through that step back into "real life". I know how hard that is and you are so lucky that you have a job that you love and enjoy. That makes a HUGE difference. I wish you the best of luck in your transition back into the scary world.

Nydia


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## awise (Jun 20, 2005)

Cristina,
I am so happy for you! Holding a newborn, or even a baby for that matter, is not something I've been able to do since Olivia's death. I do long to cuddle a baby and breath in that beauty and innocence, but the most I've been able to accomplish is a lump in my throat and misty eyes.

Be gentle with yourself.

Angela
Olivia's mama 10/11/04 - 01/01/05


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Cristina and all the mothers of the sad sisterhood,

i cannot imagine all the pain u have gone thru. i just cannot. i watched my parents suffer my brother's death and i parented them when they needed it but it still isnt the same. i just cannot comprehend it.

my mil lost her first child stillborn fullterm almost 55 years ago. she has had 5 boys since then. yet she has never, ever forgotten her daughter. ever. even today she does not publicly say anything and still finds it hard to ever discuss it. she just talked about her one time.


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## homebirthx2 (Jan 3, 2004)

Cristina-
Hi! I have lost my first baby in July of 99. I was so heartbroken over this. I wanted to have another baby so bad, my midwife told me I had to wait to recover physically and emotionally before I tried again. I did recover and tried for another baby. I refused to believe I was pregnant fearing I would loose the baby again. At four month my hubby made me take a pregnancy test to see. I did and we were pregnant again. I was so scared, with everything for this pregnancy (didn't have to be scared with my first two they were healthy born and never knew you could lose a baby).

My baby was born exactly a year later from the baby I lost. I was so happy I cried for along time with joy. He has been my miracle even with his special needs. I love him so and had been able to return to my regular life again. Each time his birthday rolls around I still remember the time I was pregnant and lost the baby. I know my little one is still watching over me and I even think that the two met before.

In April 2005 I lost another baby. I went back into my grieving stage. I felt sad, angry, normal, jealous, and some other feelings that I had felt with the other baby I had lost and some new ones this time around. I am now getting back to myself again. I am trying to have another baby now, only so far we haven't been successful. I want a baby to hold, nurse, show off, play with, carry in a sling, co-sleep, etc. etc. I get upset when I see someone who was pregnant with me and still is or just recently got pregnant. I knew this is normal, but I hate to feel this way.

I wish you the very best in your journey of life you are now traveling. Take the time to recover at your own pace, not others. Take one step at a time and then each small step will become easier for you to take bigger steps when the time is right. Your daughter will always be watching over to make sure you are safe and loved.

If you want to talk sometime just pm and I'll listen. God Bless You and take care of yourself.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

First of all,







. Burying your child is the *hardest* thing you will ever do. Does the pain get better? Does it get any easier? Honestly, yes it does. It gets worse before it gets better though. (at least that has been my experience) I remember being numb after Ryan died. I was sad obviously, but just numb on the inside. THen about 2 weeks after he died, anger hit from out of nowhere. It's now been 19 months and the pain is still there, but different. I have many, many days that I'm actually happy, but it doesn't take much to bring on the tears again. And when it hits, it's just like it was at the beginning. I think DOING something in memory of your lost child helps a lot. Ryan died about a week before Christmas, so we donated most of his presents to families that didn't have anything. Just doing stuff like that will help you feel like something good can come out of such a tragic loss. We are also going to donate money for Bibles in memory of Ryan.

I think the one thing that helped more than anything (other than God) is my internet grief support group. I honestly don't think I would have survived w/o them. If you'd like a link to them, just pm and I'll tell you. Many of the women there have had either stillborns, or a child that lived for a while and then passed. Having them to lean on has been my lifesaver.


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