# Stupid comments



## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

:

I'm frustrated and depressed. Today, my best friend had her baby. I would have been 31 weeks with twins right now. So I'm depressed and not dealing with everything the best in the world. Then my mother calls and the stupid comments begin.

She doesn't understand why I'm not 'over this' yet. And I've still got to get past the due date, of which I'm dreading because another good friend is due the day after I was. And I was due on my husband's birthday.









So now I've to to figure out how I'm supposed to go and look happy around all her family and everyone that's so happy for her tomorrow, and listen to everyone talk about it to me, since they all think I love hearing about babies and pregnancy so much, while trying to hide how much it hurts to be reminded of the twins I lost in January that no one seems to remember, much less care about. Everyone assumes we're trying to get pregnant again and that everything is ok, when that is far from the truth. We've had to decide to take a break because of my poor health, which makes me hurt that much more. I just about can't stand it, I want to get pregnant again so badly. And few people know about what we're going through past knowing we had a miscarriage in January. plus, I'm having a period every other week, which means I'm having PMS every alternating week, so I'm struggling all the time.

I just want to go crawl under a rock somewhere for the next ten weeks and have everyone forget I exist until this is over with.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Oh hun, I just had to post to give you some hugs.























To be honest I have no idea how to deal with going to visit your friend's baby. I would find it difficult too. And I'm sorry that your mom is being so insensitive.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

I would just keep the visit short. Let her know you're happy for her and give her a hug and go if you feel you really need to know at all. If she's a true friend she'll understand you're still huring!

So sorry for your loss mama!


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Am so sorry for your losses







please don't be too hard on yourself, if people are getting too much you should probably avoid em if you can, it seems very insensitive tho they are probably trying to 'help', will be thinking of you


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## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

Oh, I guess I should have been clearer- church is tomorrow, and all her family will be there. She won't be there herself. But I'm sure her family will have 101 pictures of the homebirth to share, and want to tell me all about it, since I'm the only other homebirther there.

So at some point I'm going to have to deal with seeing her and the baby, although I really do feel she'll be sensitive about it when it does happen. Problem is, it will be public and I don't want to go to pieces in public with people around, especially if someone says something stupid or judgmental.

No way to avoid it or them. Not going isn't an option due to commitments we have.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm very sorry. ((hugs))


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

Mama, it sounds like you need some time and space. Is there a way you can not be at church tomorrow? I know you have commitments, but you also are going through something very painful. You are healing a broken heart and I wish for you that there was a way you could rearrange your life to protect yourself.

It is OK to not have a happy face and be bright for everyone. It is their own darn problem if you aren't happy, not yours. You have to heal first and take care of you before you can take care of others' feelings







I am sorry your mother was not understanding. I wonder if she feels frustrated that she can't make this hurt better, so she urges you to buck up instead?

IS your DH supportive of you? Can he maybe go and make congratulations in your place and maybe take over some of your commitments. Give you some time to yourself and buy some time before the situation where you meet your friend's new baby?

Do you have a close girlfriend at church that could take over for you?

Mama I hear you crying out that you need this space and time away. You and your pain is very important.

If you have to go tomorrow, I hope it goes quickly and you can keep the tears inside. I know how awkward it is to start crying out in the open.

I will be thinking of you Mama








ND


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)




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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this...
I know your pain oh too well. I am understaning 100%. I cannot stand to hear about pregnancies, and i want to crawl under a rock when i see a new baby. I also have 2 great freinds that are due the day after i was, and i am soo not prepared. especially, like you, we have decided to not TTC right away.

I pray you have teh strength to face what you need to face tomrorow, but also agree, if there is any way out of it. Please get out of it, ( if you want to) Friends should understand. It is so hard, and it sucks to have to brace yourself, but that is what i have to do anytime i leave the house.

Hang in there mama







I am so sorry you have to go thru this!!


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## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

Thank you, all. It's nice to hear that I'm not being unreasonable or dealing with it in the wrong way. My husband is being supportive, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't fuss at me, but he does expect me to go because he believes it's the right thing to do. I did decide to stay home tonight, because there is a fellowship after church, and I just didn't feel like going and being sociable. I'm pretty crabby and anti-social right now, and I don't want to be around anyone. He deals with pain by surrounding himself with friends, and I deal with it by hibernating with my immediate family. So he's booked a vacation for the week I was due, but it's with his family. I'd rather just be alone. I think we'll be able to work out a compromise here, but I'm not sure his family is going to understand and provide all the space I might need. They're friendly to the point of being over-friendly and sometimes a little overbearing. I love them dearly and we get along beautifully, though, so there's no problems there.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about taking a couple of weeks off from everything social and church related, and then facing it when I'm ready. Same for my due date and my friend who is due then. I'm not sure he's going to understand or be supportive, though.

I did go this morning and avoided everyone I possibly could and camped out in the nursing room (my 19mo son is the only nursing baby at church, so I didn't have to deal with anyone). Luckily, people who did speak to me gave me space- all they had to do was look at my face to see I wasn't doing well. Now I've got to figure out how I'm going to share the nursing room with her.

I really didn't want to go. I was already close to tears when we got there and I stepped out of the car and the first thing I see is the woman who is due the day after I was. It hit me so hard I almost fell over. I had to really struggle to keep from crying

My mom called this afternoon and appologized. She's struggling to know how to help me. You see, we'd get pregnant tomorrow if we could, but my health won't allow it. I have no choice in it. I'm having a full period every other week, and it's been like that since the miscarriage. My hormones are absolutely crazy, and it's just making the already difficult much worse.


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## Twilight (Jun 9, 2005)

I had to reply. I had a m/c in November and would have been due in June. It was really hard for quite a while and I went through a lot of what you're going through. I had to go to a baby shower right after the miscarriage







: I had to excuse myself several times so I wouldn't tear up while the mom-to-be was opening presents. I wouldn't have even gone if it wasn't for one of my best friends. I got weepy when I found out how many celebrities were due in June. It was horrible. I'd go for a few days feeling fine and then my world would come crashing down around me again.

I wish I had some advice for you. I know your health problems and not being able to TTC are prolonging the grief process for you.







your recovery is harder. Your DH and you need to understand that.

A vacation alone is a wonderful, wonderful idea, and I hope you guys get a chance to do that (I agree having the IL's around isn't going to be what you need, even if they are nice people). Cope in the best way you know how, and be kind to DH and to you. You have each other. You need each other right now.

It will get better... I wish something other than time would heal it.


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## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

My husband and I had a long talk, and I told him two things which helped him understand where I was coming from. I thought this might help other people in talking with people who haven't been through it, so I thought I'd post it. This helped him to better understand what I'm going through and how I'm trying to cope and grieve so I can move past it.

First, I compared my situation to being newly widowed and being asked to sit through a marriage seminar. No one would think it normal to expect a widow to sit through that and not be effected by it, and most people would consider it to be cruel to even consider it, much less expect it. When I told him that, a lightbulb went on about how it feels for me to be around pregnant women and little babies.

The other thing I told him was I reminded him how after his grandfather died, every time he saw something that reminded him of his grandfather, it physically hurt like he had been punched in the stomach. That reaction lessened over time, but it never fully goes away. That's how I feel when I see something that reminds me of the twins.

So after those two examples, he had a much better understanding of how I'm feeling and he's being respectful of allowing me to have the necessary space and time to grieve.


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## Deir (Aug 19, 2005)

Oh (((Hugs)))) do you have to go visit? hen i was going through IF and after my m/c, it took me 2 weeks to get to see my nephew. I had to wait for my mental health. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I keep thinking that if I were your friend, I would totally understand if you were simply to call or send a loving card by way of someone else that simply explained you wish her much congratulations and welcome to her new baby....but that you just don't feel ready to see a newborn/be around birth festivities quite yet.
Maybe you can schedule a more private visit with her and baby some weeks from now.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I just realized how late my post is in relation to your original post, krankedyann...so sorry.
How are you doing?


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