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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I just got the medical transcripts back from the hospital from my hemmorage. It states that there were placental and fetal remains. They didn't tell me about the fetal remains...they just said there were products of conception and a second placenta. Did they hope I wouldn't ever read my medical report??? Did they hope to spare me more pain???

I understand now why my husband and I couldn't come up with one name...why we both felt so strongly about both names...Simon and Alexander. We named our baby Simon Alexander, but I now realise that I had Simon AND Alexander....not one...but two. There were two little boys in my body...two more lovely boys to add to my happy crew of five. I have seven sons..and two of them I will never get to play with.

I called the doctor...he confirmed what I understood. Twins. I would have loved being the happy mother of jolly twin boys.

DOES THIS NIGHTMARE EVER EVER END?????????????????

I feel like every time a new day passes there is a new ingredient to this entire episode...and quite frankly....I am worn thin. I am sooo tired from having lost so much blood. I am dizzy... and even though I feel so close to my babies on one level...it isn't the level I WANTED. I WANTED my babies alive. I can't even begin to understand this...why why why why why!

There is a strange peace inside....knowing the truth...understanding why I couldn't let go on such a deep level. He was in there a month....rotting in my body...I was holding onto him so tight. His brother was born...and he stayed inside. rotting.

Will I ever stop crying? Maybe the doctor thought I'd suffered enough...could see that I felt better and didn't want to make me cry for my baby...my second baby that I didn't know about...until now.

it all makes sooo much sense to me now...

it's just the beginning...isn't it. there isn't any way to understand it otherwise.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh mama.... I wish I had some words to help, but I don't.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for your sweet boys.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I think Dr.'s sometimes dont tell us stuff because our emotions make THEM uncomfortable. They try so hard to keep themselves emotionally numb to situuations.
When I was about to lose my baby last year - I was in the office that day that I lost him. He had a heartbeat - yes, but I was slightly dialated. She just said to rest with my feet up that things were probably going to be okay. But when I went to check out - they didn't charge me. I was supposed to pay a $20 copay and $100 towards my delivery. They refused to accept any money from me. It was then that I knew something on that paper told that lady not to charge me. That I wouldn't need to put money towards my delivery because it wasn't going to happen.
I switched OB's since then. I really feel like she knew damn well and I would have appreciated honesty. It was going to hurt either way - I would rather have had the truth. What she REALLY thought.
Im so sorry mama for your losses. It's amazing how you and hubby sensed that there was more than one. Your little simon and alexander are amazing boys.
(((hugs)))


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)




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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)




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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I can *almost* understand the impulse to not want to tell you and cause you more pain, but the bottom line is, it is your child and you not only had the right to know, but the right to have something special done with his remains. I would be furious and so very heartbroken. I am so sorry







.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

i'm so sorry for the loss of your twin boys. how excruciating to find this out now. you definitely deserved to know...

i too think that doctors (maybe especially male doctors?) want to spare us *and themselves* from more pain.

our funeral director (man) had my matthew for several days before the funeral. i went in to hold him once and when i called a few days later to hold him again, he warned me that he didn't advise it, that he had changed physically and i might be disturbed by this. i freaked out and delayed going to hold my baby again because of this. well, when i finally went back to the funeral home to hold him one final time before the funeral, i asked him to cover matthew's face while i held him. he said, "oh, he looks pretty much how he looked last week, it's fine". i uncovered him and sure enough, he looked perfect. there was nothing new for me to see. i was furious that he was trying to spare me from pain when in fact he caused me so much more pain. i could have held my baby even more than i did if he hadn't scared me out of it!!!!!!!!!!

i don't care that people have good intentions. we look up to these people in their "official positions" and we deserve their unwavering support in what WE need to grieve, not what makes their jobs easier.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

What a shock for you. I'm so sorry you lost your boys and they aren't with you where they belong. ((hugs))


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)




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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I just got the medical transcripts back from the hospital from my hemmorage. It states that there were placental and fetal remains. They didn't tell me about the fetal remains...they just said there were products of conception and a second placenta. Did they hope I wouldn't ever read my medical report??? Did they hope to spare me more pain???

I understand now why my husband and I couldn't come up with one name...why we both felt so strongly about both names...Simon and Alexander. We named our baby Simon Alexander, but I now realise that I had Simon AND Alexander....not one...but two. There were two little boys in my body...two more lovely boys to add to my happy crew of five. I have seven sons..and two of them I will never get to play with.

I called the doctor...he confirmed what I understood. Twins. I would have loved being the happy mother of jolly twin boys.

DOES THIS NIGHTMARE EVER EVER END?????????????????

I feel like every time a new day passes there is a new ingredient to this entire episode...and quite frankly....I am worn thin. I am sooo tired from having lost so much blood. I am dizzy... and even though I feel so close to my babies on one level...it isn't the level I WANTED. I WANTED my babies alive. I can't even begin to understand this...why why why why why!

There is a strange peace inside....knowing the truth...understanding why I couldn't let go on such a deep level. He was in there a month....rotting in my body...I was holding onto him so tight. His brother was born...and he stayed inside. rotting.

Will I ever stop crying? Maybe the doctor thought I'd suffered enough...could see that I felt better and didn't want to make me cry for my baby...my second baby that I didn't know about...until now.

it all makes sooo much sense to me now...

it's just the beginning...isn't it. there isn't any way to understand it otherwise.

I'm so sorry.









If it helps explain, "products of conception"=fetal remains and placenta in the medical world. We don't always say "fetus," we often say "products of conception." I personally hate the term, but a lot of doctors use it because it covers a multitude of icky visual images.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/products_of_conception


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so very, very sorry mama.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I'm so sorry.







You've been through so much already. It just not fair.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am a bit lost though and sorry-I know you've been bleeding past 6 weeks, is that when you had your hemorage, or was it earlier? How are you doing-are they still letting you bleed or did they do a d&c? Take some liquid iron like Floradix-the liquid won't constipate you, and maybe some B complex. Just to help your body recover. And try to rest too if you can.
I've read some on vanishing twins, maybe this is what happened? Or was this a poss new preg at all? Only asking as you had mulitple u/s but they didn't see another baby or placenta right? How could they miss it so many times?
If your baby definately was a twin, maybe separating the names will help you find some peace and start to recover? This way when you visit your place in that field with that big stone, you can talk to both boys, acknowledge both and hopefully find some peace.
I am so so sorry for you and dh going through this.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm so very sorry.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I'm sorry.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

to clarify....

We had a still birth on April 22nd. Tiny sweet angel baby was born lifeless.
Bled heavily that night, lost conciousness, was sent home the next day. Bled for weeks and weeks...greived and walked among purple and yellow flowers...found a rock that called to us and ritualized a request for healing. Came home...started to hemmorage...badly...was hospitalised, lost conciousness again...was given blood transfusions and an emergency D&C, was released from the hospital, came to understand a week later that there had been a retained twin that no one knew about. He was not detected in the ultrasound...not terribly uncommon apparently. sigh.

So...a month after giving birth to the first twin, my hemmorage signaled that my body needed to release the second unknown twin. No one knew he was there. Something in me couldn't let go.

I do feel the release....a sence of peace...

but OH....the loss...the loss.....

the tears...

My husband...my sweet husband held me close last night..we talked about how his book "Being Ourself", which was released during all of this drama got put aside during all of this shapeshifting...that all of the talking and marketing we had planned for got erased in this turn of life...how he was wondering about the steps to take to resume promoting this wonderful book that he worked SO hard on for SO long.... He talked about how scary it was for him to have almost lost me when I was bleeding so heavily...it was a very close call...he can't imagine risking me again like that.

If it had been him bleeding to death...I don't think I would want him to be pregnant again. So scary. I can understand if he feels the same...

We need some peace....we need some time to hold hands and just BE.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I thought it was strange, to have two placentas? I'm glad you know now... and I'm angry they didn't tell you. The loss is so great.







Be gentle with yourself, mama.







:


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama, I am so sorry. That explains so much. May you take the time you need to heal and may another baby in your future.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Wow, I'm still absolutely stunned they missed a second baby, especially if they did a u/s after the delivery of Simon. I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry this has happened. I'm glad that you are ok physically now, and that is scary. I understand why your dh may not want to risk losing you again.
It's such a hard thought trying to find comfort in the family that we have, but also feeling selfish some days for grieving what we lost, what should have been, or might be if we became pregnant again. At least for me it is.
I so hope you both can start to find some peace now. Two beautiful angels, that are together. I hope maybe that thought helps.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

There was no ultrasound done after the first baby and placenta was born...everything came out clean, and so that was that. No one knew the second baby was in there, also gone. no one knew...untill the hemmorage. I guessin hind sight they should have done an ultrasound to make sure no peices were left, but like I said, there was no reason to think anything was left because it was clear that the placenta was totally in tact. sigh. I feel confused in my feelings because I don't know who was who...meaning...who was Simon, and who was Alexander...and I guess it really doesn't matter at this point. I tend to feel like the first one was Alexander, and the second was Simon, and sometimes I feel like just calling them both Simon Alexander to simplify...it was almost like they were one person in so many ways...like a split soul or something.

You have all been so nurturing and wonderful. It's been so hard. I feel like this has all been so unexplainable in every way...from beginning with a birth control method that was 99.9% effective...to ending with a surprise twin and comming closer to death than I like to admit.

crying again.

Life shouldn't be so hard.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

s


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your boys.


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## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)




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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, momma, I'm so so sorry.


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