# Short tempered GD tribe?



## Carolinamidwife (Dec 18, 2001)

This is my first (I think) post in GD. I'm just wondering if there are any other short fused mamas out there.

I was raised in a home with a short fuse (my dad's) and I definitely inherited it. I can't stand commotion or chaos, screaming, whining, fighting, they all push me over the edge. My Dad was a screamer and while he never touched us or called us names or swore the sheer volume of his yelling felt like abuse. His moods ruled our house. I see so much of my dad in myself and I need to change it before I pass on the legacy.

Sometimes I feel like I don't really need to learn how to discipline my kids, I need to learn how to discipline myself.









Anyone else out there like me? Anyone have some good newbie resources?


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## Peepsqueak (Jul 5, 2005)

I lack patience as well. I used to be very patient but am very pressured lately. Many different situations which makes me on edge all the time.


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## Fairy4tmama (Sep 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sheena*
This is my first (I think) post in GD. I'm just wondering if there are any other short fused mamas out there.

Sometimes I feel like I don't really need to learn how to discipline my kids, I need to learn how to discipline myself.

























: I totally feel like I need to learn to discipline myself rather than my kids.


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## Vito's Mommy (Jan 19, 2005)

You're not alone. I grew up in the same type of home. We had a rough couple of years both financially and emotionally until this year. My dh is in a great job w/a future and my biz is booming. However, all the busyness can still render me short fused. I need to take time for MEMEME. I forget to do it, as I'm always looking after everyone else. That's what really saves me. Dh works 2 jobs=16+ hrs a day and so I'm _simillar_ to a single mom for 5 days a week. It can be tough. I just reassure myself that it's only temporary. This time next year I will have replaced one of his incomes and we will be on an even better path. So, hang in there and remember to take time for YOU!


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

Ditto for my home environment as a kid, and for feeling like most good discipline moments come from a parent modeling conflict resolution in a positive way. That is, it starts with me. I really related with the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, which talks about parental self-control and conflict resolution skills explicitly.


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Oh this is exactly what I needed today!!! I feel like a complete AP fraud lately. I was raised in a spanking, yelling household & though I never felt abused, I am now seeing the negative effects on me. Anytime DS does anything wrong my 1st reaction is to yell or swat at him







: It makes me crazy. Plus it doesn't help that I do have a short fuse. I guess it is time to pull out some GD books & start reading again. It is nice to see that I am not the only one here. I hope we can keep this thread going. It would be nice to have a support system


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## roseselene (Aug 3, 2003)

me too.....a little short on patience sometimes. I yell way more than I want to. I've really been trying to work on it. Sometimes. the kids make you so crazy though. Sometimes I wonder how anyone keeps their cool.
Amy


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## phaeon (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maciascl*
Oh this is exactly what I needed today!!! I feel like a complete AP fraud lately. I was raised in a spanking, yelling household & though I never felt abused, I am now seeing the negative effects on me. Anytime DS does anything wrong my 1st reaction is to yell or swat at him







: It makes me crazy. Plus it doesn't help that I do have a short fuse.









This is me! I'm trying, though... does that count?!


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## Aka mommy (Feb 25, 2005)

You have no idea how badly i needed to read this thread! I am 32 weeks preggy and have NO patience with my 22 month old DD. I was raised in a home where spanking was the rule and it has been lurking in my mind. It seems like the first thing i think to do these days is swat, which is NOT how i want to discipline my child!!! Counting to 10 seems to help, but i definately need to read some books on GD. Any suggestions, especially for 2 children? Thank you so much for being honest and opening up. It helps to know im not the only one who feels like a poser in regards to AP!!!


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roseselene*
Sometimes I wonder how anyone keeps their cool.
Amy


Easy, there medicated :LOL







: At least thats what I tell myself to make me feel better


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## rowantree (May 8, 2004)

IM in!

Im an only child raised by a single dad. um can we say serenity? So raising 2 girls 21 months apart is constant chaos which drives me to the edge.
I pay then to be quiet.
now that they are 5 and 7 its alittle better but it used to be un bearable


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I have a short fuse with certain things, like when my dds are fighting, screaming or not cleaning up after HOURS of being told to clean their mess. I can feel myself getting upset and I try to separate myself when I feel that way. (time out for mommy) It's nice to know other mamas feel the same way. It helps knowing I'm not alone.


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## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

Yes, I definitely can be short tempered. Especially when it is bedtime or naptime, where I am looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet for a little while and so I just want them to go to sleep! My two year old is pinching and scratching and taking it out on our cat and her baby sister so, though I can be patient for a while with it, it gets hard the millionth time she has thrown a book at the cat and pinched the baby's feet and then spilled her water everywhere on purpose and kicked the cats water over! I do run out of GD ideas and end up exasperated and yelling!

So, yes, count me in!


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## Carolinamidwife (Dec 18, 2001)

Whew. I was afraid this thread would sit there like an albatross.

I'm not glad you all are having struggles but I am glad I'm not alone!

I need techniques, resources for anger management, KWIM? Oh, and some guilt counselling since I am always drowning in guilt.


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## eksmom (Jun 29, 2004)

You're definitely not alone. I seem to have a very short fuse, and when I get to the boiling-over point I don't know how to stop myself. I need tips and techniques too - I do not want to raise my DD with fear of mama's blow-ups.


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phaeon*
I'm trying, though... does that count?!

It better count or we are all in trouble


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aka mommy*
...but i definately need to read some books on GD. Any suggestions, especially for 2 children?

I haven't read through the whole thing but here is a thread with a list of suggested books on GD http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=115037 I have not completely read any GD books, but I often skim through the Discpline Book by Dr Sears. It is quite helpful. I am also reading Raising Your Spirited Child which is excellent if anyone has spirited children


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## meco (Mar 1, 2004)

It must a bad time of the year. I am normally very patient--with kids at least. But lately I, too, have been more inclined to yell and shout.

The whining pushes me over the edge too. I can handle it for awhile, and then it just breaks me. Couple this with a PL setback, and we are all set my mom breakdown :LOL I am a single mom too so I do not even get a break around the evening witching hour--I have to keep plugging through to bedtime. Naptime is usually saving grace, but is quickly going the way of diapers.









Anyhow, you are not alone. I hope now that I have confronted this, I will be more committed to stopping it before it starts. I just need to head off getting irritated. Because it is normally my irritation that causes me to get frustrated and mad.

Something that has worked for me the last view days is the _Playful Parenting_ type of reaction. When my son is whining, I try to immediately head it off with redirection or try to get us both laughing. The latter immediately changes my mood from pissed off and irritated to giggly and happy. For him, it is tickling. He is super ticklish, and loves to be chased (well, pretend chase really in this apt) and tickles, let go and redo. I found that once I found what worked for him, some situations got easier. Of course this is not fool proof.

I also find walking out of the room (if baby is safe alone for a minute) for a minute works nicely too as it allows me to refocus.

But then there are times when nothing seems to work, and I get awfully frustrated too. You are not alone.







:

I definitely recommend Playful Parenting. I also love Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (an excellent read). I am reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen know, and I have high hopes


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

Count me in!









I am NOT a morning person so I've started doing a yoga tape w/the kids every morning. YEA But, not this morning.







: Back on the wagon tomorrow.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm working very, very hard at controlling my temper. I'm not always successful.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maciascl*
Oh this is exactly what I needed today!!! I feel like a complete AP fraud lately. I was raised in a spanking, yelling household & though I never felt abused, I am now seeing the negative effects on me.

Ditto. That's me exactly.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maciascl*
Anytime DS does anything wrong my 1st reaction is to yell or swat at him







: It makes me crazy.

I felt like that for his first few months of life (pathetic isn't it? I feel so ashamed), but I have a few mental tricks I use that has helped me so much that I haven't had any urge to strike him at all--for any reason.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *maciascl*
Plus it doesn't help that I do have a short fuse. I guess it is time to pull out some GD books & start reading again. It is nice to see that I am not the only one here. I hope we can keep this thread going. It would be nice to have a support system

Again, ditto. Short fuses are a lot of work, but I think the most important thing is knowing you have one and that you are committed to not letting it get in the way of GD'ing your child.

~Nay


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

Oh, boy...ITA that I feel that I am the one that needs to learn control-not my kids.

I was raised in a home with lots of spanking, yelling, and starvation used for control. I always told myself that if I would take care of my children's physical needs and not spank them, I'd be ok with yelling-just not doing the first two would be 'breaking the cycle' enough for my generation...my kids could break the yelling cycle in their generation.

That's how I _used_ to feel. Now? I never yell at my daughter although I do make quick trips to the bathroom once in awhile to yell at the wall. I yelled at her once when she was seven months old. SEVEN MONTHS!?!?!?! What could a seven month old possibly do to deserve that? That's when I realized that I was not going to be able to live with myself if I kept that behavior up.

It's the whining that gets to me now. I'll have to go pick up that Playful Parenting book.


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

HI, I am here too







.... or should I say,









My mom is a bonefide (sp?) yeller. She even yells at kids she babysits







I have been working on not inheriting certain traits from my mother since before kids.But some things really set me off. We are pretty much GD all the way. I try my hardest not to yell, but sometimes slip. I think for me- a change of pace is best. Like, we switch activites, start somethign else. Or, like meco was saying-be playful. I haven't read the book on playful parenting yet.I probably should







I also find for whining-a little song I made up seems to help dd alot. USUALLY.

I totally still need a complete healing form a past full of yelling. I do not verbally abuse my children as my parents did though. In so many ways I am far ahead of where my parents were, but I am not perfect.

I think my triggers are physical rough-housing, and doing dangerous things, such as try to swing from the chandelier.Yes, dd did this several times this morning!My worst-case scenario imagination was in full swing and I was scared.

thanks for starting this thread


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin*
... but I have a few mental tricks I use that has helped me so much that I haven't had any urge to strike him at all--for any reason.









Care to share *PLEASE!!!!*


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BusyMommy*
Count me in!









I am NOT a morning person so I've started doing a yoga tape w/the kids every morning. YEA But, not this morning.


We do this too.


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## mzfern (Nov 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leilalu*
My mom is a bonefide (sp?) yeller. She even yells at kids she babysits







I have been working on not inheriting certain traits from my mother since before kids.

I could have posted this! I'm here for informational purposes only (no little ones yet), but I know that I'll have a rough time with the practical application of GD principles. Subbing for good resources/tips!


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

just subscribed! good to find you all. i know i'm waaay more gd & ap than my parents, but feel so *not* compared to lots of mamas on these boards. i'm working hard, learning lots about myself & have the help of some lexapro







but it's a process.

meco, i'm trying more playful parenting techniques too & it really does help. i'm just such a stubborn mule, that it's a real struggle for me to get there









ruthla, what you said makes so much sense: _I'm working very, very hard at controlling my temper. I'm not always successful._ yup, me too!


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I don't have a whole lot to add at the moment, but thank you for this thread! I stay away from the GD board because even though it's definitely something I strive for, I'm not perfect. I grew up very abused and never learned to control my emotions. My biggest problem is yelling and having no patience. I'm working on this.


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## radish (Sep 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leilalu*
I totally still need a complete healing form a past full of yelling. I do not verbally abuse my children as my parents did though. In so many ways I am far ahead of where my parents were, but I am not perfect.

ITA!

My yellling gets out of control and I beat myself up afterward and end up depressed (b/c of my abusive/neglected childhood, etc etc). It is a viscious cycle and I hate it. Really hate it.

DH is great with DD, he does a lot of "playful parenting" type things and DD reacts so well to it. I try to do it but end up failing miserably and feeling worse (and of course jealous/mad that DH is so much better at discipline than me.). I catch myself telling him he shouldnt do it, not to "turn everything into a game"....it's such a f***ed up thing on my part.









Thanks Amy and sorry for such a bleak post - bad week.


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## Carolinamidwife (Dec 18, 2001)

Quote:

My yellling gets out of control and I beat myself up afterward and end up depressed (b/c of my abusive/neglected childhood, etc etc). It is a viscious cycle and I hate it. Really hate it.
OMG, did I just type that? Except for the part about your childhood ({{{hugs}}}) I could have said that word for word.

Honestly, I am equally sick of feeling guilty as I am of the behavior that gets me to that point.


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## radish (Sep 19, 2002)

Well, I am glad I am not alone but sorry you know how I feel. I try to tell myself I am not so bad b/c I dont hit/spank but my yelling seems to be bad enough. And what makes it worse is that DD is so forgiving. I cry and apolgize to her and she is over it in a minute. I am sure that will change and hopefully I will too before it affects her differently.

I am reading this book and enjoying it.

Wish I had more advice for us all.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Count me in.







:

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is REALLY helping me. A lot. More than anything else ever has. It's about disciplining yourself first, and it makes a point of telling you that you cannot teach what you yourself do not posess. Meaning, how can you expect your kids to be well-mannerered, patient, etc., if you yourself are a yelling, short-tempered person?

I'm getter better at GD, but there are times/days when I oh so utterly fail. But I AM getting better. There has been a lot of progress.

So keep at it, mamas. It takes a lot to even recognize that you need to change.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

I'm in! I have friends who are total Zen mamas who make me feel inadequate all the time. I was raised in a very peaceful home, but I am quick to anger.

Here is what helps me. I chant to myself: "The only one I can control here is me. The only one I can control here is me." Once I realize that my reaction is more important than DS's behavior, I can keep my snarky tone in check (most of the time!).


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## Carolinamidwife (Dec 18, 2001)

Ooo, that's good!

What usually helps me is to think about how yelling really won't help and about how much I hate feeling guilty. The guilt is so bad that it's truly not worth it... I just need to remember that in the moment.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

count me in
i came from a very very very abusive and angry violent house growing up....

and i love my daughter so much i can't even stand it...now that she is 2 she is SO strong willed (as i was....am )

when i tell her not to do something that is dangerous and she looks right at me and does it any way..that is when i snap the most....

i mean the whining and the grabby stuff can make me feel pushed, but i almost always keep my cool....but i am here tonight b/c i spanked my dd the first time yesterday...i am gonna post my own thread about it. i hit a low.
it shocked and scared us both. i only gave her one swat...but i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo
sad that i crossed that boundrey and hurt her.

but again....compared to my childhood, she has it made, even if i spanked her once a week she would be 100% better off than i was as a child...so i have to keep focused, drowning in guilt is not helpful, infact it is almost selfish, b/c
it distracts you from working on your fault. and is self defeating.

plus, i STILL love my parents and have forgave them, so i KNOW my dd is not going to hate me. she will forgive and do better for her children.

not that i am trying to validate loosing it on your kids, i am NOT
i am saying, that all we can do is our best, and soemtimes our best is less than perfect

keep trying.


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## quakerlady (Mar 11, 2005)

excpet I was going to talk about GD and PMS LOL.
I barked so loudly at my 2 year old today (and today's her birthday!)
that my almost-5 took her by the hand and led her out of the room, while saying over her shoulder, "Bad Mommy! You scared her."
And did I take a deep breath and say to myself, she's right? Nope, I took offense at being criticized by a child and reduced them both to tears before going out on the front porch and finally taking that deep breath.
I can't entirely blame it on PMS, 'cause it sometimes happens at ANY time of the month if I have other stress, but jeez I hate PMS. I walk around feeling the physical sensations I might feel if someone had a gun pointed at my head.
Anyone know a good mantra I can chant to keep from taking it out on my poor kiddies?


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## lucenamama (Mar 21, 2005)

So glad I "ran" into this post. Yet another survivor of a yelling/spanking household over here. My mom was the rager/thrower and I'm afraid this apple didn't fall far from the tree.









I'm aware that my trigger times are nap/bedtime when I'm wanting some time to myself and DD isn't getting to sleep as fast as I want. Trying to work out w/DH a way for him to do most of the putting down for sleep. Also have started charting my menstrual cycle just so I know when PMS is about to strike (another triggery time). And I try and keep hydrated and my blood sugar even and empty my bladder when I need to (I know that sounds so basic but I swear just doing these things has helped balance my mood).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annab*
I have friends who are total Zen mamas who make me feel inadequate all the time.

This is ironic to me just b/c I've been a practicing Zen Buddhist for close to 6 years now and still find myself losing my temper!

I'm committed to stopping this karma. I'm also aware that I do and will make mistakes and try to have compassion for both of us (DD and me). I'm so glad I'm not the only mama on MDC who has a short temper. Definitely want to check out the GD book thread.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leilalu*
I also find for whining-a little song I made up seems to help dd alot... thanks for starting this thread









Oh me, too! When my son whines I always sing:

"Whine, whine, whine.
Whine, whine, whine, whine.
You whine and whine quite all the time.
You whine and whine quite all the time.
All you ever do is whine, you whine, whine, whine!"

Works like a charm. By the end I'm always smiling.







My son is usually looking at me like I'm completely nuts.

~Nay


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maciascl*
Care to share *PLEASE!!!!*









Sure. They're so simple I'm sure most of you do them anyhow.

1) If he starts to annoy me I repeat to myself over and over "I am the adult, he is only a baby."

2) I have convinced myself that even though I'm the mom doesn't mean I have to always be controlling over him. This is practical for me since I'm a SAHM and so don't need a set schedule. For instance if he usually goes to bed at 9 but isn't tired and ends up staying up 'til 10. For a while I was very by the clock--"it's bedtime! Please, please, PLEASE(!!!) go to bed", but then I realized, why am I doing this? It was like a lightbulb went off in my brain. If he's not tired/hungry/grumpy etc., why do I bother. Why not just enjoy every peaceful moment instead of making everything difficult.









3) I pat him a lot on his head, back, legs, and bottom(nice, soft, friendly pats.) I also rub his back, tousle his hair, kiss his belly, you get the picture. To me this contact helps to remind me just how small (he just turned one) and precious my little guy really is! I don't think I could ever hit that little bottom in anger.

He just awoke. Hope these ideas help some.

~Nay


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## Mom2Samanthabella (Dec 17, 2004)

OMG THANK YOU THANK you for this
i dont feel alone anymore i am a yeller not always but at times
Samantha is an only child i Dont spank or hit her like its EXTREAMLY comon here i know it takes TIME and a whole lot of patiens to not too take the easy way out
But right now im encountering a problem Samy is VERY sentimental and she is at the age of NO SHARING no mater what or how i try to explain to her
well today i was next store at my neiburs and Samantha would just flip with any itty bitty thing and now if anyone takes anything away from her she cries and whales and sreaches to the point of hurting your ears
now other kids migt do 2 things take the toy away again from whoever took it or hit that kid to take the toy back ORRR there parent just Spank them and demand the toy get returned
now since Samy is not agresive she does not take her toy back she wont hit the kid its just not in her and hell no i wont hit her
BUT she BURSTS into tears to the point of turning blue
so now shes a crybaby
i need to know how do i channel this another way i have patiens i REALLY do
but today she REALLY took it out of me if i would look at her bad THERE she goes crying
do you get my point


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## Mom2Samanthabella (Dec 17, 2004)

Oh and by EXTREAMLY comon ( to spank)i ment in my comunity not in the MDC board LOL LOL
now reading my own post thats what it sounded like LOL


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *radish*
ITA!

My yellling gets out of control and I beat myself up afterward and end up depressed (b/c of my abusive/neglected childhood, etc etc). It is a viscious cycle and I hate it. Really hate it.

DH is great with DD, he does a lot of "playful parenting" type things and DD reacts so well to it. I try to do it but end up failing miserably and feeling worse (and of course jealous/mad that DH is so much better at discipline than me.). I catch myself telling him he shouldnt do it, not to "turn everything into a game"....it's such a f***ed up thing on my part.









Thanks Amy and sorry for such a bleak post - bad week.


Yep







Totally can relate there.







ALL of it!
It is a viscious cycle. I sometimes get wrapped up in myself,feeling all condemned after and I can even go to far in that, I think! Thank goodness dh is so stable. I have learned alot from him.


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *radish*
Well, I am glad I am not alone but sorry you know how I feel. I try to tell myself I am not so bad b/c I dont hit/spank but my yelling seems to be bad enough. And what makes it worse is that DD is so forgiving. I cry and apolgize to her and she is over it in a minute. I am sure that will change and hopefully I will too before it affects her differently.

I am reading this book and enjoying it.

Wish I had more advice for us all.

I could've posted this too!

That book looks good.
Whenever I slip up, dd is always so forgiving, and so ready to give me a hug if I ask.She is just so pure. And ds is so into hugging,whenever I feel sad, or if I cry-he is right there, giving me hugs









It just really hits me again whenever I talk to my mom though.Like, she gets set off pretty easy.I am not so bad, by a loooong shot, but t is always a wake up call of things to avoid.


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## eksmom (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sheena*
Honestly, I am equally sick of feeling guilty as I am of the behavior that gets me to that point.









I was literally crying at work yesterday thinking about the way I behaved with DD in the morning. The guilt is bad. And then I feel like even more of a loser - I obviously feel guilty, know I need to get a handle on my behavior - but then I go and do it again. So then I'm like, "Well, do I really feel guilty, if so then why do I keep doing this?"

FWIW, a LOT of yelling went on in my home as a child. My dad can spit out some really nasty, hurtful statements when he's mad. My mom's yelling wasn't quite as hurtful, but there was more of it. They also yelled at each other quite a bit. Actually, it wasn't so much yelling at a loud volume, just a lot of lecturing and anger. What's funny is now they accuse me of having a short fuse. Unfortunately, it's true, I see a lot of them in me... it's just interesting that they don't see the connection.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine*
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is REALLY helping me. A lot. More than anything else ever has. It's about disciplining yourself first, and *it makes a point of telling you that you cannot teach what you yourself do not posess*. Meaning, how can you expect your kids to be well-mannerered, patient, etc., if you yourself are a yelling, short-tempered person?

I'd like to make the point that you can't _easily_ do what you don't know.

I attended a women's relationship workshop many years ago and have remembered a quote ever since. "You don't know what you don't know." Meaning that you only know what you were raised with. If you were not brought up in a loving family, it is hard to put yourself in a relationship that is loving. She was speaking of the patterns of dysfunction women get into when picking relationship partners....but it is true for raising our children.

I think the first thing to realize is that many of us don't have the skills. Maybe that would empower some women to stop beating themselves up for their yelling and other non-GD ways of interacting with their children. I think feeling depressed about a behavior in some ways serves to keep you stuck there because you feel so bad about yourself it is hard to get the energy to learn to be better becasue somewhere in your mind, you just think that you suck. I think to break this, you just have to act. Regardless of how you feel, you need to act. Some suggestions:

Walk out of the room and take a breath.

Frame a picture of your child when they were a tiny baby. Put it in a very visible place (or put one in every room). Look at it when you are getting frustrated or angry with them. Remember how helpless and innocent they were then. Look back at your kid and find that innocence in them again. This works great for partners too. Find a picture of your partner when they were babies. Because unless your partner is truly evil, most day to day mishaps in relationships are worked thru better when you can see the innocence in your mate.

Scoop your child up and walk outside. The change of environment really works to cool kids off. Distract with birds in trees, pretty colored cars going by flowers, the wind....

Find time to be alone. Don't house clean when your child takes a nap. Take a nap with them! Brew some nice tea and read a magazine. Do something you love, if only for a few moments. It really is important to give back to yourself because if your batteries are not recharged, then you can't give to your family in the best way.


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Short-tempered mama reading with interest. I realized the other day that I hadn't yelled for weeks. Then, classes started yesterday and it all fell apart


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *quakerlady*
Anyone know a good mantra I can chant to keep from taking it out on my poor kiddies?

The only one I can control here is me.

I am the mommy, they are just babies.

They are not responsible for my bad mood.

And if you were a Seinfeld fan: SERENITY NOW! :LOL


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## eksmom (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annab*
And if you were a Seinfeld fan: SERENITY NOW! :LOL

Thanks for the laugh. I have said that to myself before!

I did some thinking yesterday and realized that some of the problems we are having stem from me constantly saying "No" to DD. We have recently moved and all of our routines, etc. have been turned upside down, plus there's just a lot more pressure/stress right now. The two biggest changes have been that now DD has an actual bedtime and wake up time that we need to stick to to make the rest of our lives work, plus I am now responsible for cooking supper before DH gets home. And, DH has been working late and overtime ever since we closed on our house (starting next week he will be home an hour earlier!!!).

Anyway, I realized that I am so driven to try to accomplish these things and make the schedule work that I have just been saying "no" to anything that I think might get in the way. Yesterday I said "yes" a lot more when it was feasible and she was happier (duh) leading to less screaming and crying which keeps me out of the anger zone.

So not only am I dealing w/ a short fuse, but I guess I had forgotten some of the important principles of GD parenting that I had been doing pretty well with in our old environment.







:


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Thanks for this. My DS is so little right now, I try so hard not to get frustrated. But I have such a short fuse, always have. I hate that in me, I want so badly to be a good, calm mom to my son. But I was raised by yellers, hitters and fighters. I was spanked, both my parents are extreamely short tempered. Thanks-so much for the tips you momma's have offered, I'm definatly going to hold on to all of them. I want to be a good mom to James, and I know yelling isn't what he needs. Thanks again!


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## Momto2boysNagirl (Aug 24, 2003)

I totally know how you feel. My dad was the same way, but he did spank us. He used to spank me for wetting the bed, but that's another story..:LOL
I have a very short temper and have to work hard to control it. There are somedays when just the littlest things set me off. I know it's not my kids fault they are just being kids.
So yeah I understand how you feel


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed, I'll say (sometimes only to myself) "Why are you being so childish!?!?!" to which the correct response is "because I'm a child!" This was especially useful when I had a 2yo and I'd say "Why are you acting like a 2 year old?"

It helps to break the tension and remind myself that the child is just a child!

Also, just pacing myself and lowering expectations often does wonders. When I'm feeling lousy, I simply don't try to accomplish as much, and then I don't feel frustrated when I don't acheive what I wanted to do- instead I feel good that I did accomplish what I set out to do for the day.


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## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *writermommy*
We do this too.

Yoga in the morning! What a great idea! I have never done yoga- is there a beginner tape or are kids yoga tapes/DVDs easier to do than the adult ones? It sounds like a very relaxing way to begin a morning- or maybe a way to wake up from nap.


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lucenamama*
This is ironic to me just b/c I've been a practicing Zen Buddhist for close to 6 years now and still find myself losing my temper!

I'm committed to stopping this karma. I'm also aware that I do and will make mistakes and try to have compassion for both of us (DD and me). I'm so glad I'm not the only mama on MDC who has a short temper. Definitely want to check out the GD book thread.

OMG!!!! *Thank you, thank you, thank you* for bringing this up!!!!







ITA! I had never thought about it that way before. Maybe that is what I need to remember to help me keep control. I am a huge believer in Karma & boy I am not generating very good Karma lately. That is probably why I am feeling like it is such a cycle.


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## maciascl (Nov 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice*
i mean the whining and the grabby stuff can make me feel pushed, but i almost always keep my cool....but i am here tonight b/c i spanked my dd the first time yesterday...i am gonna post my own thread about it. i hit a low.
it shocked and scared us both. i only gave her one swat...but i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo
sad that i crossed that boundrey and hurt her.

I hate to say it, but you aren't alone here.







: Unfortunitly I have also spanked Gavin & then I feel so horribly awful afterwards that I cry while he is totally unaffected by it. Well atleast shows no real reaction to it we'll say. I will have to search out your thread


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I find, actually, that for me-excersise is KEY. I am of the type that definitely needs regular physical release through excersise to tame my emotions. I like running a few times a week, an ddoing yoga and pilates a few times. Seriously, I woke up late this morning and plan to go in a bit here, but I feel so different after. I feel calm, relaxed, and better able to handle my day.

Here is my whining song if any are interested







It is most always sang in a loving way.(As much as one can while being whined at incesantly.lol)

I'm not listening when you whine.... ohhhhhhh oh
I'm not listening
'Cause you can use big girl(boy) words anytime ohhhhhhh oh
I'm not listening ohhhhhhh oh, I'm not listening...

I try to "talk-sing" it to her, in a respectful way.It reeeaaaallly helps. Because then she realizes, when at the moment she may get flustered and not, that she can try to talk to me.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

good song leilalu and yes exersice is the key for me too
i do yoga everyAM and when my dd does it too or eats soem fruit beside me while i do it it is awesome....but someAMs she tries to climb me over and over and over again and i can not do much more than play....

but we have been running (me with her in the stroller) and that has been great

yes chart your periods, b/c every month i feel crazy and then DUH i start my period and i am like
"oh, so the world is not against me after all...."


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice*
good song leilalu and yes exersice is the key for me too
i do yoga everyAM and when my dd does it too or eats soem fruit beside me while i do it it is awesome....but someAMs she tries to climb me over and over and over again and i can not do much more than play....

but we have been running (me with her in the stroller) and that has been great

yes chart your periods, b/c every month i feel crazy and then DUH i start my period and i am like
"oh, so the world is not against me after all...."

Sounds like me last week:eyseroll I am so used to be preggered or PP, that I just seem to forget, "oh yeah, DUH, I have a period EVERY month now!" :LOLYou would think I wouldn't forget....haha

Dh was working out on th floor the other day and complaining tht all the kids wanted to do was cuddle/wrestle him.I'm like"now you see what I go through EVERY day":LOL Real women do pilates/yoga while cuddling small children









But, back to the point, I guess i really need pms GD help.lol


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## radish (Sep 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leilalu*
I could've posted this too!

That book looks good.

the book talks about how our memeries are stored and I assume he will talk about how to work through them (only read a few chapters). It is pretty scientific but easy to read/understand.


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowmix*
Yoga in the morning! What a great idea! I have never done yoga- is there a beginner tape or are kids yoga tapes/DVDs easier to do than the adult ones? It sounds like a very relaxing way to begin a morning- or maybe a way to wake up from nap.


We do have a kids tape, but dds like mine better. We all get a much needed laugh when they fall over when trying to hold the poses. :LOL


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## Momto2boysNagirl (Aug 24, 2003)

yes chart your periods, b/c every month i feel crazy and then DUH i start my period and i am like
"oh, so the world is not against me after all...."[/QUOTE]

This is so me right now. I want to run away and hide!!!


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer*
I attended a women's relationship workshop many years ago and have remembered a quote ever since. "You don't know what you don't know." Meaning that you only know what you were raised with. If you were not brought up in a loving family, it is hard to put yourself in a relationship that is loving. She was speaking of the patterns of dysfunction women get into when picking relationship partners....but it is true for raising our children.

I think the first thing to realize is that many of us don't have the skills. Maybe that would empower some women to stop beating themselves up for their yelling and other non-GD ways of interacting with their children. I think feeling depressed about a behavior in some ways serves to keep you stuck there because you feel so bad about yourself it is hard to get the energy to learn to be better becasue somewhere in your mind, you just think that you suck.

Great point, thank you.


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## 2babybees (May 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sheena*
OMG, did I just type that? Except for the part about your childhood ({{{hugs}}}) I could have said that word for word.

Honestly, I am equally sick of feeling guilty as I am of the behavior that gets me to that point.









Count me in on this tribe too...that is my cycle to a tee! I'll keep checking in for strategies to keep my cool and not be the "mean Mommy" that i think of myself as soemtimes.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

I agree. It's easy to berate myself for shouting (once, but still...) at my 7 month old for being cranky and loud, but hard to forgive myself. Also hard to stop myself when in the moment. I seem to revert to the 'familiar' which is what my mom did (though I KNOW it didn't work LOL) when I'm short tempered (usually pms or menstruating). Anyone else?


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## Carolinamidwife (Dec 18, 2001)

Quote:

I'm aware that my trigger times are nap/bedtime when I'm wanting some time to myself and DD isn't getting to sleep as fast as I want. Trying to work out w/DH a way for him to do most of the putting down for sleep. Also have started charting my menstrual cycle just so I know when PMS is about to strike (another triggery time). And I try and keep hydrated and my blood sugar even and empty my bladder when I need to (I know that sounds so basic but I swear just doing these things has helped balance my mood).
This is really crucial for me. If I am hungry or dehydrated I am a million times more likely to snap. My PMS has been WAAAAY out of control lately, so bad I have considered seeing a DO about it.

I think one thing that is hard to understand or accept if you are a short fused person is that it can be hard to want to control yourself once you are in the heat of the moment. That sounds odd, probably, but a lot of times when I am angry I have to force myself to want to stop. Does that make sense?

Thank you, whomever brought up Karma. I, too, am a huge believer in Karma... that might just be a breakthrough idea for me.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I haven't read the whole thread but count me in!
Just last week I swatted my daughter. I felt horrible and she immediately reminded me, "we don't hit people"








It was building for weeks after the birth of my son. I was losing my temper and feeling exasperated for minor things. I became too controlling than boom I swatted her for repeatedly spitting at me.
It was my rock bottom so to speak. I broke out my Dr. SEars book and reread it. While it didn't give me the specifics I wanted it did renew my energy to buckle down and focus on being gentle again.
My husband also works 2 jobs and is rarely home and whe he is he can't reallly be much help b/c he can't feed the baby and DD does not want him to pout her to bed or do any of the required child rearing stuff. She does adore him and loves to play with him but she needs me for the work stuff.
Anyway, Ive been revamping our day to day stuff so I don't get so stressed.
The big thing is bedtime...Now after PJs, tooth brushing and stories I leave her room and she is allowed to play on her bed and can call me when she is drowsy and ready to be quiet and sleep. This gives me time to finish around the house as she doesn't nap during the day and trying to clean is difficult and causes me guilt for not keeping the place clean and more guilt for wanting to clean when I should be playing with her or whatever.
Anyway...Thanks for posting this thread I really needed it. I am going back now to read the rest of the posts.


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## AuntRayRay (Aug 18, 2004)

I also grew up in a yelling/spanking household and I can be a short fused person as well. I'm trying sooo hard to be gentle with my boys, but my oldest throw's me over the edge everytime. He's the one whose running around causing chaos (teasing his brother or laughing soo loud when doing things that upset others). I feel myself becoming distanced with him because at the end of the night I just want him to go to sleep it's like I just can't deal with him anymore







:








My sister and my nephew also live with us and things are soo stressful...working on not being soo stressed and reading up on GD too. Playful parenting will be my next book. Right now I'm reading,"Unconditional Parenting". Its nice to have support on this issue.

RayRay


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I TOTALLY lose it sometimes when for some reason or another they won't nap.







Meaning, I feel like I want to yell, or I get snappy.

I think even before kids, I reaaaally just craved peace and quiet.Sometimes now, when they sleep, I just sit there, like a zombie:LOLSoaking in the quiet....I love to knit or read, or excersise and find that it really helps me get centered so when they wake up I too am refreshed. Thankfully I USUALLY get them to nap at the same time.


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## wawap (Jun 28, 2004)

Oh dear!!!! I am subscribing to this thread...

I have the worst temper and always have. It's horrible. I'm very ashamed, but I feel like I can't stop it. (Excuses, excuses) I wasn't raised this way. In fact, my mom visited for 4 days last month & I was - jealous? - I can't describe it - at how patient and loving she was to my son. I want & need to be like that.









BUT - I am truly working on it. I hate that I do it. This thread has already given me some great ideas.

Thanks!

Laura


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## amandaanne (Nov 4, 2004)

I am another mama with a very short temper. My parents both had extremely short fuses as well, and I think their parents may have been even worse. I remember one time when I was 16 or 17 my dad was yelling at me and suddenly he just attacked me. I ran to the corner of my room and crouched down in a ball, my mom ran between us as he reached around her and lashed out at my head. That type of thing wasn't the norm, but both of them were guilty of it occasionally. I know, and knew then, that they didn't feel good about treating me this way, but I think sometimes they simply couldn't control themselves, or just didn't work hard enough at it. I always try to remember how I felt when my dad did that to me when I am on the edge of doing or saying something awful.

For me, CONTROL is my most difficult issue. I had none of it as a child and as a result I am a huge control freak. Feeling like I have no control over ds is a big trigger for me. I have just started reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and it has helped me so much with this. It goes into detail about why controlling children is a really undesirable thing. It has released me from feeling like I must always have control over my son. It also has reminded me that instead of getting caught up in the moment, I must step back and remember what my ultimate goals for my children are. Are the things I'm saying and doing a reflection of those goals?

Quote:

I think one thing that is hard to understand or accept if you are a short fused person is that it can be hard to want to control yourself once you are in the heat of the moment. That sounds odd, probably, but a lot of times when I am angry I have to force myself to want to stop. Does that make sense?
Yes, absolutely. Once I get to a certain point it is *so* difficult to make myself back down. So I try to start talking myself down _before_ my temper starts to sizzle. But that's not always easy either, and there are times when my temper catches me by surprise.

Quote:

Frame a picture of your child when they were a tiny baby. Put it in a very visible place (or put one in every room). Look at it when you are getting frustrated or angry with them. Remember how helpless and innocent they were then. Look back at your kid and find that innocence in them again. This works great for partners too. Find a picture of your partner when they were babies. Because unless your partner is truly evil, most day to day mishaps in relationships are worked thru better when you can see the innocence in your mate.
Great idea, I'm going to do this.


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## tiafit (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *roseselene*
me too.....a little short on patience sometimes. I yell way more than I want to. I've really been trying to work on it. Sometimes. the kids make you so crazy though. Sometimes I wonder how anyone keeps their cool.

I was just thinking after me and dh both just yelles at 2.9 ds to get down from the railing on patio how all the mom's do it and keep their cool. after it happened i could see how we scared him and I went to talk to him andhe sobbed in my arms. his little heart was beating so fast i felt like such an ass...... yes it was a dangerous place but we should have got off our butts and gentley taken him down. this week i have had such a short fuse and been so over tired (baby7 month ds very active been crawling since 6 months) i have not been the best i can be and I have a great kid. it is just a nasty ugly cycle that starts, i just totaly broke down and then turned on MDC.

I am reading unconditional parenting and loving it but I have not reached the solutions yet. i feel like i either say "i do not want you to do that" or yell(less often), or talk him down till he is so parent deaf. Tonight i thought maybe i will just say yes to everything unless he is harming himself or others. a little experiment if you will .I am also goingt to post this on my fridge form Kohn's book:

be reflective
reconsider your request
keep you eye on long term goals
RESPECT!
be authentic
talk less, ask more (love this one)
keep their ages in mind
attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
don't stick to you no's in unnececessarily.
don't be rigid (old school)
don't be in a hurry (of course not they grow up fast enough)

I hope Mr. Kohn does'nt mind , it is a compliment

good luck mama's thanks for the support
Amy


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## tiafit (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer*
I'd like to make the point that you can't _easily_ do what you don't know.

Walk out of the room and take a breath.

Frame a picture of your child when they were a tiny baby. Put it in a very visible place (or put one in every room). Look at it when you are getting frustrated or angry with them. Remember how helpless and innocent they were then. Look back at your kid and find that innocence in them again. This works great for partners too. Find a picture of your partner when they were babies. Because unless your partner is truly evil, most day to day mishaps in relationships are worked thru better when you can see the innocence in your mate.

Scoop your child up and walk outside. The change of environment really works to cool kids off. Distract with birds in trees, pretty colored cars going by flowers, the wind....

Find time to be alone. Don't house clean when your child takes a nap. Take a nap with them! Brew some nice tea and read a magazine. Do something you love, if only for a few moments. It really is important to give back to yourself because if your batteries are not recharged, then you can't give to your family in the best way.

Love these ideas


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## ankh (Feb 23, 2005)

Thanks for this thread







:


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## tiafit (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins*
I haven't read the whole thread but count me in!

The big thing is bedtime...Now after PJs, tooth brushing and stories I leave her room and she is allowed to play on her bed and can call me when she is drowsy and ready to be quiet and sleep. This gives me time to finish around the house as she doesn't nap during the day and trying to clean is difficult and causes me guilt for not keeping the place clean and more guilt for wanting to clean when I should be playing with her or whatever.
Anyway...Thanks for posting this thread I really needed it. I am going back now to read the rest of the posts.


count me in as well have mot read whole thread but a lot is hitting home. bedtime is the worst for us 7 months ds goes down then in most nights when i almost have 2.9 ds asleep my baby wakes up and only wants mama and toddler inly wants mama. my toddler drags out the bedtime routine and i love to lay with him but we wre in this terrible cycle. how so you know when your toddler is ready to put themself to bed ? I feel pulled apart they both need me then i bring toddler in with the babe and he is loud plays with babe won't settle and i get grumpy. i am trying really hard to be reasonable and positive but iam also tired and need some time w/DH . I also NEED exercise hiked today on in jogger one in bak-pak . love the am yoga idea while they paly or eat etc... i need yoga back in my life in ! gettin to a class is my goal once a week, why is it sooooo hard ? any sleep suggestions?

thanks
tia wife to DH since 1998, artist, activist , SAHM to 12/11/02 intact ds Diego , 1/23/05 intact ds Niko, co sleeping natural family living


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

Here.
Today I spanked my son (31 mos) in anger for the first time. Often I've said "I'm gonna spank you! Spank spank!" and he thinks it's so funny and it's a great punishment because we both think it's funny. But today I was so irritated because he dumped out his HUGE thing of legos all over the living room and refused to clean them up, he wouldn't pick up even a single one.
Time-outs do NOT work for us at all so I don't even try anymore, and so today I lost it and said "Clean up your legos or I am going to really spank you hard!" He said okay and laid down with his butt up and I spanked him really hard and the whole time he was laughing so hard!!! I thought I must have overestimated the force I used but I looked and his butt was bright red-







:
I just can't believe I hit my son so hard, and I especially can't believe it didn't "work". He just laughed at me and continued to refuse to put his legos up, so I told him "fine, I'll put them up and then we'll give them to some kid who can clean them up when they're done playing" and cleaned them up and put them by the door. THAT made him really upset so I told him he could have them back if he'd clean his room.
I am just sooooo sick of feeling like my kid is a brat- he yells, whines, doesn't do a single thing when asked, and is in general just unpleasant much of the time. I do not have the patience to deal with him nicely but yelling is not getting us anywhere.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

this week was not good. not good at all. turns out that i was pms-ing, so that was part of it. the hurricane devastation is twisting me too- reminiscent of post 9-11 stress & anxiety. i upped my lexapro (i've been taking 1/2 a pill for a while but this week i'm back up to a whole one) & that helped too. I had a full-out yelling day on thursday. dd & i were just *at* each other all day.

the really weird thing is i'm suddenly thinking of ttc #2







what is that all about??? 1/2 the time i think i shouldn't have more than 1 b/c i'm already like a pressure cooker so often. then again, dd wouldn't have to bear the brunt of my stress if there was another one. ugh, i don't know what i think.

some strategies that work for me/us:

my new year's resolution was to learn to meditate b/c i'm so hyper & restless this cd has been really helpful. if anyone has other guided meditation sources, please share.

after watching desperate housewives







: dh & i came up with a safety word. telling him i was feeling overwhelmed wasn't getting through to him. now i say "boise" :LOL (if you saw the episode of them discussing bondage & s&m, it was pretty funny). using a set word works on his end to realize i'm not feeling rational or in control.

using her nap time to be completely unproductive. i've recently caught up on my reruns of the final season of buffy. i surf the net. i read. i lay around. i don't clean- it can wait.

that's all i can think of for now. thanks again for this thread!!


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## gribbit (Aug 30, 2004)

subscribing


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## lucenamama (Mar 21, 2005)

to everyone on this thread including myself and our dfamilies!

I'm really getting a lot out of this thread (I hope I can remember to do some of it). Also, it just feels good to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

I like the suggestion of being "unproductive" during nap times.

Another thing I thought of that seems to help somewhat is when I'm nursing DD to sleep, I consciously let go of plans I have for when she falls asleep, I try to just relax deeply and follow my breath and her breath. Because when I'm not planning the next thing, I'm less anxious if she's not going to sleep "when I want." Does that make sense?


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## tiafit (Oct 25, 2004)

hottmama said:


> Here.
> Today I spanked my son (31 mos) in anger for the first time. Often I've said "I'm gonna spank you! Spank spank!" and he thinks it's so funny and it's a great punishment because we both think it's funny. But today I was so irritated because he dumped out his HUGE thing of legos all over the living room and refused to clean them up, he wouldn't pick up even a single one.
> Time-outs do NOT work for us at all so I don't even try anymore, and so today I lost it and said "Clean up your legos or I am going to really spank you hard!" He said okay and laid down with his butt up and I spanked him really hard and the whole time he was laughing so hard!!! I thought I must have overestimated the force I used but I looked and his butt was bright red-
> 
> ...


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

Me too.







raised in a horrid home with abuse of every kind, my purpose in life is to break the cycle with my own child. But I yell, more than I should. I told her to tell me "Don't yell at me mommy" and that helps, but it's not her responsibility to control my emotions, it's mine. The one thing I have found that helps diffuse us both is a big hug. When she is freaking out and I am on the edge of losing it (I feel my blood starting to boil) I get on my knees and ask her for a hug. She stops freaking out and so do I.

I read the most excellent book - it's called "She's Gonna Blow - real help for moms dealing with anger." Although written from a Christian perspective, it is full of humor and insight and help for every mom. There was a story in there of this woman who was exhausted and wanted to nap and her 2 YO DD kept getting out of bed and she just lost it. She violentyl picked her DD up and threw her across the room to her bed, where she missed the bed and hit the wall. This woman realized what was happening -she was abusing her child. I cried for an hour after reading this because I did something similar to my DD. She REFUSED to put on her shirt OR let me help her do it and we had to get out of the house. Tempers started to flare - hers and mine - and so without even thinking I grabbed my DD and slammed her on the floor - I saw the look of terror in her eyes - she was afraid of me in the moment. I still feel terrible about that and it was over a year ago. I have not touched her again. If only I had the hug technique back then...

So I try to avoid situations where i know I am short fused - trying to rush out of the house - we start earlier now. When I am tired I simply tell her mommy needs some time out OK? It's great that she is now old enough to understand.

I am pregnant now and it actually scares the crap out of me - being a mom to 2.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

YES, I have a short fuse!

I don't always yell, but lemme tell you, I get "annoyed" too often. This means yelling without being loud. I found it fascinating (and not in a good way) to note my reactions today. For example, DD and I were playing. All of a sudden, she swung her stuffed animals and almost hit the baby with them. She didn't try to hit the baby on purpose, but my tone changed IMMEDIATELY. I immediately started in on her with the guilt and the OMG attitude.

I woke up tonight with this realization . . .I don't let my daughter make too many mistakes without guilt. I have become increasingly aware that this was exactly how I was raised-- controlled and manipulated by guilt. Sadly, my mom doesn't even realize it. Just the other day she was telling my sister how terrible it is to use guilt and how it has such lasting effects. Yet, she uses this tactic regularly.

Guilt. Such an ugly thing.


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## eksmom (Jun 29, 2004)

Just wanted to pop in with one thing that has been helping me lately - I've been adjusting my expectations. I had a friend who would always say, "It's all about expectations." Well, it's so true, and it's helping me reduce my overall stress, which makes it easier for me to stay calm.

We're having a fence put in, but we never know when the contractor will be here working on it. It was driving me crazy, but I've let it go. I don't expect him to come. That way if he doesn't, I don't freak out, and if he does, then I'm happy.

DD had sort of a rough day yesterday, so I prepared myself to let DH worry about dinner, let the laundry go, etc. and give her my full attention when we got home if she needed it. It made it much more fun to sit and read to her knowing that I this was what I had decided to do and that it was OK that the other things weren't being done.

Don't know if this will help anyone else, but I'm finding it to be a good technique for my general mental health!


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## gratefulmom (Jul 5, 2002)

Thanks for having this thread. I can deal really calmly,using all my "tools" and then I just lose it at other times. Growing up my mother "YELLED" and I remeber thinking it was as bad as hitting me. I thought I wuld NEVER yell like I do at times. Before children I was very calm, easy going, etc.
Man, some days are better than others,but when your 3 year old yells when he is upset at you and sounds just like you, WOW....


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## kiwimutti (Mar 22, 2004)

moved myself to new thread.


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## Rysmommy (Sep 14, 2005)

I feel your pain







(mommy of 1, 19 month boy) Its very hard for me sometimes to not lose it. I dont want to yell or spank..... I have found sometimes I just let him scream and have his fits. I leave the room while this is going on. He gets it out of his system and I stay close enough he doesnt hurt himself and Im not there to watch the ugly fit







I do a lot of praying. Because God really is the only one who really knows what you are going though! This is a great outlet Im glad I found you guys!


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I've been dealing with this a lot lately and it comforts me immensely to see that other moms who strive to be "gentle" deal with it too. I definitely am impatient and short-fused as a person sometimes. I yell when I get stressed out, when it's too noisy or I feel not listened to and consequently disrespected. That's a hot button for me, but duh, little kids are gonna do that stuff, so I'm learning to not take it personally and catch my anger before it grows too much and to discipline more calmly.


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