# Over-indulging teens



## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I'm reading a lot about parents complainging (venting) about their teens activity costs and wonder why parents enroll their child in so many acitivities at one time?

What is the purpose of this?

I have always been told (and have learned) that it is better to be great at one sport or activity than mediocre at several. Many teens I see, and it is very rare that I see the opposite, that are involved in more than one or two activities at a time are not very good at either and are burned out or only doing ok in academics.

Is it that a child complains about wanting to do more and the parents give in? What about finances? Don't family financial means come before the wants of a teen?

I'm honestly confused by this.

Also if it isn't a problem to be spending so much money on these things, then why complain?


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

I would not call it over-indulging kids, (not sure there is such a thing) but over-whelming kids. In our culture, it seems busy-ness is highly valued, whereas kicking back and smelling the roses is not valued at all. We are a type A culture and there is a fierce spirit of competetiveness in most schools these days. Teens are baraged with college requirements which go beyond just getting excellent grades. Teens are taking AP classes, involving in student government/leadership, sports and community service so that there portfolios are strong. I am sure many teens enjoy some of these activities and are actually choosing which they most want to be in. But I have had conversations with many parents who proudly say, "DS is just so busy with all of his activities that he barely has time to sleep!" I find it disturbing. I also wonder how much say these kids have had in choosing their own activities. Parents can be awfully pushy.

Beneath this busy-ness is an empty anxiety. A "my kid has gotta have it all" idea that has infected the collective mentality of American parenting.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My kids aren't really involved with sports or anything so this isn't an issue for us. They've taken classes in the past though, and we did try to help them plan it out in a practical "don't want to run yourself into the ground" way. It was never a problem. We like to go and do, but we tend to like to be home or have our time "free" more.

I'd be concerned if my kids were run ragged by activities, and if that were happening I would definitely share my worries with them. Hopefully we could talk about it and come to a good place together. Money is an issue for our family in a pretty big way, so if my teens wanted to get into something I'd be totally willing to do what I could, but I can't make money just magically appear any better than the next guy. Fortunately the kids seem to understand our budget (or the lack thereof) and don't ask for things that we just can't realistically do.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

I think it depends on the child/teen adult. We have alwasys been a very active family. The purpose is not the statud,how it will look on a coollege ap. but to pursue interests. Sallie


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Somewhat selfishly I worry about myself being run ragged and overwhelmed by taking my boys to lots of activities. Similar to the pp we couldn't afford for them to do a lot of things either.

They are not interested in football which is the main activity here for boys their age; it seems that half the kids we know are playing in teams on Saturdays or Sundays here ther and everywhere and their mums complain about it ruining the weekend or having to stand out in all weathers to support them.

Recently they started going to a kind of tae kwan do class on a saturday at noon which they walk to. It's a mixed age group session and some dads we know go too.

Maybe the urge to have children in lots of activities starts when they are toddlers and as they grow older going out and being busy become a habit not a necessity.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I wouldn't call it overindulging niether, but I do know where you are coming from.

We've always told our kids, one activity at a time. With the exception of band for my DD, they've pretty much stuck to it. Band is only 45 minutes during the school day and a couple of hours on a Friday night though, so...she runs cross country as well.

DS had one season where he played both football and soccer and he finished out his commitment but agreed that it was just too much.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

Here's a twist on the subject...one of my pet peeves is people who complain that they think my kids are too busy. I mean, why do they care? We're not asking them for money to fund the activities and we're not asking for rides to and from these things..I just don't get why they need to put their 2 cents in. My dd is really active at her dance school and loves every second of it, and my son is a serious golfer and he basically lives to be on a course. I have lots of other parents and especially my family constantly saying to me *You're going to go to dance again?* *you have to drive how far for a tournament?*, etc. It's so annoying!

I just think some people see value, no matter what the cost, in having their kids pursue their interests in an attempt to live full and active lives...that's all


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

My kids aren't quite in the teens years yet.

My oldest(9 this fall) is in guides from Sept-May, it costs $90. From Oct-March she's in Basketball, I think her price goes up to about $120 this year but I could be wrong on that. They take swimming at $40.

When I was in Grades 7-10 I was in the town softball league, it cost about $50. I was also in the School softball, track & field, basketball all which cost nothing other than a pair of shoes & during basketball if we were away for a tournament $40 for food(it never ever cost $40 that's just what dad gave me & I'd eat a $2 ice cream sandwich then save the rest of the money, I told dad I didn't need money & he'd insist anyhow). In 11 & 12 I gave up the town league & stopped track & field, but kept up with basketball which cost nothing but the shoes & the $40 dad gave us. Once we stayed in a hotel but the Student Council covered the cost of that. Most of the time we stayed in the hometeam school.

As long as we were in school sports they cost nothing extra since the shoes we wore were our gym shoes, the uniforms were paid for by Student Council or the school, gas was paid back to the parents who led their vehicles out & that was paid for by the Student Council. If the group needed money they'd hold a bakesale.

When we travelled away we went as a group & took usually 2 vehicles. The parents usually took turns on who was either driving(for the younger kids) or lending out the vehicle(in the grades where we were driving age). The coach took his vehicle too so there was only 1 other vehicle. Sometimes we'd take one of the school busses if both the girls & boys were going to the same event.

When we were in Elementary school we were in more activities. the school had a t-ball/softball league, my sister & I took a couple years of skating, jazz, 4H(not the beef one, my brothers did that).

All 4 of us took swimming in the summer, 2 weeks at the lake & 2 weeks at the pool. I think I was 15 when I stopped taking swimming, we had to get to a certain level which was 1 or 2 before you went onto the bronze things to become a lifeguard.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Looking back on my own teen years, I was as busy as any today. Sports all three seasons, band, multiple clubs, every drama production, etc. Same with all my friends. Our parents' figured a busy teen is a teen not getting in trouble. And, for the most part, they were right.

I've followed suit with my two, with the same proviso my parents had - as long as they keep their grades up, they can participate at will.

The oldest takes a heavy courseload at school, is in several clubs, participates in all the drama productions and plays in a band. Until recently, he was also in Scouts.

The youngest... plays horn in the school band(s) (regular, honors, pep and jazz bands), is slated to be captain of her field hockey team this coming year, is a peer leader, in Jr Nat'l Honor Society, president of the music honor society, and acts with a local community theater. Oh, she's also in Scouts.

I arrange my work schedule around their activities and we all organize car pools when needed. The expenses aren't tremendous.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

There are good reasons that parents look to involve their kids in so much.

1) Filling their time with constructive pursuits prevents them from spending time hanging around, or getting into trouble. Unstructured time can be dangerous, especially if its unsupervised. Kids have so much freaking energy.

2) Activities help kids develop confidence about trying things, taking initiative, and feeling like they can be good at stuff. Developing a sense of competency is really important.

3) Organized activities give kids a chance to feel like they belong somewhere, and are working toward real goals. They are less likely to seek out that sense of "belonging" in less acceptable ways.


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

I totally agree with the last two posts! In this day and age a bored kid is a kid that has time to get into trouble, especially in their teen years! I think that as long as they are not overloaded, involving them in activities is a GREAT thing!!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I totally don't buy the idea that kids must be overscheduled to save themselves from getting into trouble. Kids that have no desire to get into trouble don't. Vandalism and other issues are not specifically related to free time but to feelings of hopelessness, lack of self worth, not being valued at home, too much pressure ect.

Having said that as long as the activites are ones that are desired and requested by the teen I don't have a problem with it. I'd do whatever I could to provide for my kids interests.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I'm reading a lot about parents complainging (venting) about their teens activity costs and wonder why parents enroll their child in so many acitivities at one time?

My favorite book _Unequal Childhoods (it's a sociological study of parenting differences between low-income and high-income families) describes several families where the kids are in activities at least every day-sometimes more than one activity a day. The parents studied are apparently afraid of their kids having free time because then they might just watch TV or something. The idea seems to be that one has to spend every moment improving oneself so as not to fall behind. It's a very strange idea to me but it's real._


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

We are pretty big on the unstructured time around here.







I think having an involved loving family is more key in having kids who avoid trouble than a bunch of activities are. Not that I am anti activity of course. I just don't think it's necessary to keep kids from getting into troubling stuff.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
3) Organized activities give kids a chance to feel like they belong somewhere, and are working toward real goals. They are less likely to seek out that sense of "belonging" in less acceptable ways.

I just read your post to my 14 yo who has a lot of free, unstructured time and his response was 'But I belong in my family'.

I'm glad he feels that way.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

My children only participate in 1 activity at a time. For example Briar does AAU Basketball from October-March but school basketball starts in January so he starts that in conjunction with AAU. Then Baseball Starts in May and we play through the summer. Football starts (gridkids) in July (practice) and goes through end of October (or early November). Football for the school starts in conjunction with our local gridkids and they work together. They do overlap a bit but it is workable. Briar gets excellent grades and is in Highly Capable. Grayson and Barrett are younger so they only play AAU, Gridkids, and Little League (and Barrett plays with the local soccer team). Savara is only 3 but she will be starting dance this year and maybe gymnastics if we have time.

Mostly I complain about money because honestly I am CHEAP and I hate to spend it.... lol But I know what is good for "MY" kids. And sports for them,keeps them "grounded" and me "sane" And I look pretty dang cute in my "Team Mom" Sweatshirt! lol!


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

:

My kids both do karate 3-4 times a week. DD also does two other sports through school- basketball in the fall and softball in the spring. I have nothing against down time in an area where kids are free and safe to play on their own. I would never let my kids just roam where we live. It just flat out would not be safe. Their sport activities, in particular karate, has become their hangout time. Sure it cost money but as someone who pays tuition for their school, their sports are comparitively (sp?... I'm on a mac laptop and can't right click for Firefox spell check to work







) cheap.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Oh, I really wasn't concerned about the physical exhaustion aspect, but the money aspect.

As someone asked, why would I care what their kids do? I don't. BUT, when you bring it to a message board and whine about how much money you are having to spend for all these activities it gets a little old. If parents are so stressed about activities, then have their child d pay for them. Let them take some responsibility for what they want to pursue, or stop complaining.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *orangefoot* 
I just read your post to my 14 yo who has a lot of free, unstructured time and his response was 'But I belong in my family'.

I'm glad he feels that way.

I think this is important as well. They belong in a family that is supportive, structured, allows for expression of individuality and is loving.

They do not need 4-5 sports to keep them going from the time to bell rings after school, til bedtime. This in my opinion isn't raising your kids or creating a loving, supportive environment (because really they are not in the family environment).


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama* 
My favorite book _Unequal Childhoods (it's a sociological study of parenting differences between low-income and high-income families) describes several families where the kids are in activities at least every day-sometimes more than one activity a day. The parents studied are apparently afraid of their kids having free time because then they might just watch TV or something. The idea seems to be that one has to spend every moment improving oneself so as not to fall behind. It's a very strange idea to me but it's real.
_
_
_
_
I understand this, but as I said before. Being in multiple sports does not allow someone to improve on ones self. You become mediocre at all things, instead of fantastic at one or two things.

And a child can't watch TV if it isn't on or not there._


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

What about this thought:

Parents who cannot afford to have their teens in multiple sports or any sprots at all? Will their child fall into bad company?

Children who don't like sports and prefer to hang with friends? Are they destined for failure?

And what does this say about society? Does this keep the wealthy wealthy and the poor poor?

Thankfully our socioeconomic status has not determined our IQ.

I came from a wealthy family, and failed.
Dh came from a middle class family, is a genius, and has failed.

What does that say?


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Its the rationale people go by.

And kids without the support of loving families, or without a solid sense of self, DO acheive what they need through organized activities at community centers, etc.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Mamaduck, not always. Just look at all the sports heroes in high and beyond who have failed (drugs, abusiveness). Cheerleaders with eating disorders, etc.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

We are on a budget, so we do limit the amount of activities they are in from that point of view. I think limiting it to one or two activites (which have to be paid for) is good for a couple of reasons:

1. They pick their activites, based on what is important to them - it helps children/teens prioritise.

2. Re-inforcing the idea of a _budget_ and that money is meant to be spent on what they most value.

3. Keeps a sane amount of family and chilling time

4. Overscheduled children/teens may have a constant need to do,do, do in order to feel fulfilled. Learning how to be your own good company is important.

5. I, as a parent, have a right to some free time - which is not going to happen if I spend 7 days a week being chauffeur and cheering squad









Of course, there are plenty of free, or close to free activities, home and community based activities. You want to build to skating every time their is public skating and you can get yourself there? Great! It is also good for teens to find inexpensive and community based ways of having their needs met.

My two cents. All people have different needs around activites, though. My DD seems to need more structured stuff than my DS.

Kathy


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I think passion plays a tremendous role in what teens do. My oldest is a musician & a writer, and has taken both of these things into the world of theater. He has directed, he has acted, he has played instruments for touring, and for fun. It's just what he *does*. Some activities he did as part of his school, and some of the creative avenues he found on his own. All of these things excited him, make him interesting. I don't have any problem with teens doing whatever it is they want to do-- as artists, ahtletes, or brainiancs.

In the same way one cannot force a toddler to nurse, one simply cannot force a teen to do something he doesn't want to do.

Some things cost money, but I think money for children and adults to purseu their interests and to take that wherever it leads them is what makes for empowered, fullfilled people. IME, the supported teens are the ones who also give the most of themselves. To their famiies and their communities.

Some kids play Dungeons and Dragons for hours a day, and some kids play sports, or write, or make music. I don't see how we can/should hold them back.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Mamaduck, not always. Just look at all the sports heroes in high and beyond who have failed (drugs, abusiveness). Cheerleaders with eating disorders, etc.

Sure. And the same goes for kids who don't do any 'extras'. I don't think anorexia is limited to cheerleaders. I don't think keeping kids from participating in activies that interest them is going to keep kids from doing drugs, getting fat, or getting dealthy skinny.

I guess I don't see the connection


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

I find it odd how the discussion of activities became solely a discussion of sports.

I will say that our kid isn't overscheduled and his activities are still really expensive (relative to our budget anyway). Music lessons are expensive. It isn't terribly time intensive to go to a lesson once a week. We think it is worth it for what music brings to his life. I suppose some consider stuff like emotional expression through music to be an indulgence. If we were starving perhaps it would be, but I see it as having value.

Perhaps it would help Potty Diva if you clarified your position. Do your kids have interests? Do they participate in any activities?


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I think to assume that children will be mediocre due to multiple participations is kinda of off. While I do think they should focus their passions, I think that they should be allowed if at all possible to try as many options out as possible. My boys for example need the "down time" that their sport gives them. Should I take that away because it might make them mediocre at something else... Honestly I think you excel at what ever you want to. If you put enough effort in you will succeed. Granted I dont expect that sports will take my boys to the NBA but it sure might help them with college. And it will give them a life long passion as well. I would feel the same if my daughter (or sons) wanted to knit, sculpt, and do water colors.

My husband played sports all through School and College and still plays recreationally. It is his thing.

And as far as complaining... umm that would be like going into the frugal forums (which I frequent) and saying ya'll shut up... it is your fault you are poor... Isn't this forum to discuss all things teen... well part of a teen is the $$$$ issue. I think people are more talking about sticker shock then complaining.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I think passion plays a tremendous role in what teens do. My oldest is a musician & a writer, and has taken both of these things into the world of theater. He has directed, he has acted, he has played instruments for touring, and for fun. It's just what he *does*. Some activities he did as part of his school, and some of the creative avenues he found on his own. All of these things excited him, make him interesting. I don't have any problem with teens doing whatever it is they want to do-- as artists, ahtletes, or brainiancs.

In the same way one cannot force a toddler to nurse, one simply cannot force a teen to do something he doesn't want to do.

Some things cost money, but I think money for children and adults to purseu their interests and to take that wherever it leads them is what makes for empowered, fullfilled people. IME, the supported teens are the ones who also give the most of themselves. To their famiies and their communities.

Some kids play Dungeons and Dragons for hours a day, and some kids play sports, or write, or make music. I don't see how we can/should hold them back.
















:







I could not agree more!


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marcee* 














:







I could not agree more!









The thing is, my homeschoolers also pursue their own costly passions. ( I mean, do people in this thread think homeschoolers won't have deep interests that might cost them or their parents some dough?)

I have one who lives and breathes art. Another who lives and breathes music. (I mean the music passion is one reason I married my h). We are not involved in the public school system for the artist, so we pay everything 'out of pocket'. It's far more $$$$$$$. lol Sometimes I wish she wanted to go to public high school ( We have a great art program in our town!) It would be **so*** much cheaper!

I simply do not understand people who think older kids (teens and more) don't have passions that might cost us money! Should learning about & perfecting your passion be 100% free?? I mean sure, we could program our kids to not have interests so we could have them sitting in the house talking to us more, playting more free (if cool) WarCraft, and costing us less, but to what emotional health?


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Oh, I really wasn't concerned about the physical exhaustion aspect, but the money aspect.

As someone asked, why would I care what their kids do? I don't. BUT, when you bring it to a message board and whine about how much money you are having to spend for all these activities it gets a little old. If parents are so stressed about activities, then have their child d pay for them. Let them take some responsibility for what they want to pursue, or stop complaining.


Whine?!?! That seems just a wee bit harsh







Ya could just skip over those post ya know









As for my dd or ds paying for their classes, they are 13 and 8. Other than allowance, which mine don't get, how would they pay for it? Keep in mind I live in the middle of a crappy 'hood. I can't just tell them to go see if Granny Smith needs some yard work. If she did, I wouldn't let my kids take money from her. We're somewhat a broke lot! So since they can't pay for it or really even help pay for it, I should just tell them they are S.O.L.? I know you love karate and love doing sports with your friends but because it cost money, you can't do it. I look at it as one way of fulfilling my responsibility of raising whole children. And like a pp said, this goes beyond sports. I like to try to balance being frugal with actually paying people what they are worth to teach my kids- be it music, art, sports or whatever else their passion may be. Their expertise should be valued. I know I don't do my job for free just because someone needs my help but would rather not pay me for my time.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

"I simply do not understand people who think older kids (teens and more) don't have passions that might cost us money! " UUmom

Some people do not have the money. If you do, great!

I do not think people "need" to spend large sums of money on teens to be good parents (Which, I know, you did not say...just musing)

As a mother on a budget, I do not have the right to spend all sorts of money on passions - bills have to be paid first after all. Nor do my children. I _absolutely_ support exploring passions, but in a financially responsable manner.

I also strongly believe that many passions can be explored in a frugal way - Frugality is an excellent life skill for teens to learn!

With regards to preteens and young teens parents should support a reasonable amount of activities... but I DO think, as the teens get older, that they should learn ways to self-fund their passions.

kathy


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I agree with teens and even preteens should help "fund" their activities. Mine do so with doing excellent in school and helping at home. While they are young "I" think that those things are their job. Again summer time (when they are older) will be time for them to help "fund" somethings. But I would rather my children not work outside our home during the school year (unless they choose too).


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I think there's a difference between making funding for activities for teens a priority in the family budget, and spending more than you can afford. I do the latter, but not the former.

My goal really isn't for my kid to be really great at one thing, but for her to have an opportunity to explore lots of things, to whatever level she wishes. I'm more of a dabbler, myself, and I'm okay with that - I'm competent at many things, but extraordinary at very few.

The term "over-indulging" is pretty loaded... and I don't think venting about the cost of things necessarily means one doesn't think they're worthwhile... it just means one wishes they were less expensive.

Dar


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
Whine?!?! That seems just a wee bit harsh







Ya could just skip over those post ya know









As for my dd or ds paying for their classes, they are 13 and 8. Other than allowance, which mine don't get, how would they pay for it? Keep in mind I live in the middle of a crappy 'hood. I can't just tell them to go see if Granny Smith needs some yard work. If she did, I wouldn't let my kids take money from her. We're somewhat a broke lot! So since they can't pay for it or really even help pay for it, I should just tell them they are S.O.L.? I know you love karate and love doing sports with your friends but because it cost money, you can't do it. I look at it as one way of fulfilling my responsibility of raising whole children. And like a pp said, this goes beyond sports. I like to try to balance being frugal with actually paying people what they are worth to teach my kids- be it music, art, sports or whatever else their passion may be. Their expertise should be valued. I know I don't do my job for free just because someone needs my help but would rather not pay me for my time.

So, parents who cannot afford activities for their kids will not being raising "whole cildren?" Nice, your privilege is showing.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
I think there's a difference between making funding for activities for teens a priority in the family budget, and spending more than you can afford. I do the latter, but not the former.

My goal really isn't for my kid to be really great at one thing, but for her to have an opportunity to explore lots of things, to whatever level she wishes. I'm more of a dabbler, myself, and I'm okay with that - I'm competent at many things, but extraordinary at very few.

The term "over-indulging" is pretty loaded... and I don't think venting about the cost of things necessarily means one doesn't think they're worthwhile... it just means one wishes they were less expensive.

Dar

I guess I am just coming from my own experiences. As a kid and even adult I hav never been great at anything because I am a dabbler. I like to do and try lts of different things and because of that I have not been able to stick with something long enough to become great at it and I hate that.

I didn't intend the term to be loaded.

To clarify, over-indulging in my mind means to give (and in this case monetarily) more than you are able to financially.

It doesn't make sense that a family would stretch themselves to the limit financially for extra curricular activities.

We can't even afford 45 dollars a month for ballet lessons and Kailey is passionate about dance (even at age 6). We have to drive by the dance studio on our way home (no other way) and her little face gets so sad knowing she can't go. But there is nothing I can do. I certainly wouldn't break the bank so she can pursue dance, we can't afford that.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
So, parents who cannot afford activities for their kids will not being raising "whole cildren?" Nice, your privilege is showing.

Nice indeed. What I said was:

Quote:

I look at it as *one* way of fulfilling *my* responsibility of raising whole children.
I only said it was *ONE* way that *I* do it. I made no judgement on how someone else may do it as I know darn well there are many ways.

I do agree with you that food, shelter and clothing need to come first.

Also, you said your dd wants to do dance. My dd went to dance at a nonprofit that operated on a sliding fee. You'd probably guess correctly that I was grateful for the sliding fee







I may be privileged but not that privileged. Yes dd may go to a private school but it is also a school that let me pay $40 a month when both dh and I lost our jobs and our house burned.

ETA: I also don't care if ds or dd ever become great at something for as long they find peace and satisfaction doing something. I'd never do anything if I had to be great at it.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I guess I value being really good at something.

We don't have sliding scale dance studios, sorry.

We can't afford art classes either ($50) a pop.

We can't afford soccer, softball, or gymnastics.

Instead we read, do arts and crafts at home, reinact our favorite movies, go to the park, feed the ducks and geese, learn about ecology, draw, paint and sing at home.

We write stories and make cards for friends and family. We string beads and make necklaces and and bracelets, all at home and all after I come home from work.

We make and cook together, we surf the internet together and learn together.

We talk to each other and share secrets, all without having to be out and about running ourselves ragged.

Seems pretty whole to me.

Kailey is REALLY good at drawing and so we encourage that talent so she can be as good as she wants to be.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathymuggle* 
"I simply do not understand people who think older kids (teens and more) don't have passions that might cost us money! " UUmom

Some people do not have the money. If you do, great!

I do not think people "need" to spend large sums of money on teens to be good parents (Which, I know, you did not say...just musing)

As a mother on a budget, I do not have the right to spend all sorts of money on passions - bills have to be paid first after all. Nor do my children. I _absolutely_ support exploring passions, but in a financially responsable manner.

I also strongly believe that many passions can be explored in a frugal way - Frugality is an excellent life skill for teens to learn!

With regards to preteens and young teens parents should support a reasonable amount of activities... but I DO think, as the teens get older, that they should learn ways to self-fund their passions.

kathy


I know plenty of kids with passions who contribnute-- including my own! I know kids who spend hours cleaning out horse stalls to ride, for instance, or who babysit to earn money to buy dance shoes.

There are plenty of frugal things to do, and then sometimes there aren't (used equipment is ok, but used shoes might not be) so you do what you can, and while you won't stop buying food or paying the heating bill, some of us do our best to make it work because it's so important to the child. Kids who have passions don't = 'overindulged'. Helping your kids get what they need is part of being a parent. And to say children are better off not doing activities (because some people *are* saying that) isn't fully taking into account the needs of the child.

Poor children have passions as well, and it's a shame when we as a society turn our backs on those needs. We shouldn't. Many children have climbed out of poverty by being able to pursue their passions, too.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I guess I value being really good at something.

We don't have sliding scale dance studios, sorry.

We can't afford art classes either ($50) a pop.

We can't afford soccer, softball, or gymnastics.

Instead we read, do arts and crafts at home, reinact our favorite movies, go to the park, feed the ducks and geese, learn about ecology, draw, paint and sing at home.

We write stories and make cards for friends and family. We string beads and make necklaces and and bracelets, all at home and all after I come home from work.

We make and cook together, we surf the internet together and learn together.

We talk to each other and share secrets, all without having to be out and about running ourselves ragged.

Seems pretty whole to me.

Kailey is REALLY good at drawing and so we encourage that talent so she can be as good as she wants to be.

Are we talking abpout a 5 yr old or a teenager? This is the teen board.

When a child is old enough to want to explore things a little bit beyond, she/he can help make it happen, and I think parents can try to help where they can.

My 18 yr old musician/writer can talk to me and cook and play scrabble, but he can also make music and write, and he loves those things. I wouldn't tell him to stay home and snuggle with me instead of pursuing his interests anymore than I would want him to tell me to stop having interests outside our home. My dh is also a musican (in addittion to having a profession) and sometimes he plays out as well. He loves to get gigs. He doesn't have to make a living at it, so he's thrilled when he gets a call from friends to play some venue.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I agree about passions, and I agree that not all activities are expensive (my 10 yo. is becoming a very young d&d geek himself...)

But I also agree with the posters who have said that exploring and experimenting with a lot of different things is a good idea for kids -- esp. younger teens. Being really good at one thing is worthless if its not something you love, and lots of kids end up being resentful and feeling they missed out on life because they were pressured so hard to stick with one particular activitity. Not only that, but not everyone is fortunate enough to find something they love easily. I don't think its overindulging to give kids lots of opportunities.

I know we're not just talking about sports, but I'd like to add that I have an overweight son who really only feels motivated to exercize in an organized group setting, and I feel safer that way than having him roam around the neighborhood alone anyway. For kids who sit in school all day -- these ativities are a chance to stay fit.

I am sort of blown away by the fact that people resonded to my previous posts with "Well not everyone." Yeah -- I know. Not everyone. There is no fool proof way to keep children safe -- I know that. Those athletes who turn to drugs and such are under a lot of ridiculous pressure. But I'm *working* with underprivlaged youth who have no place to go after school except home to empty apartments in bad neighbhorhoods, and those who can go to the Boys and Girls Club and play basketball are better off. Those who have hobby's they can point to are better off. One kid just spent 3 years saving money for a decent road bike and rides with groups from the local bike club after school everyday. You wouldn't guess that about him if you knew him and knew his circumstances, but I will tell you that a lot of his sense of competence and belonging come from riding his bike.

I realize I am not among the crowd who complains about the expense of activities. Like Dar says, we don't break the bank providing opportunities for our kids, but we do make it a high priority. When we have *any* money for extras -- it goes to music lessons or camp experiences. We let other things go in order to provide for these things. And I dont' think its over-indulgent. Its just a priority. Actually -- we make it a priority for DH and myself too, when we are interested in something. DH is currently taking guitar lessons.

There are plenty of ways to find activities at low or no cost. There are scholarships to the YMCA and Boys and Girls Club is funded by the county. I know parents who make opporunities like these a priority, even when they can't afford to pay anything.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

--I realize I am not among the crowd who complains about the expense of activities. Like Dar says, we don't break the bank providing opportunities for our kids, but we do make it a high priority. When we have *any* money for extras -- it goes to music lessons or camp experiences. We let other things go in order to provide for these things. And I dont' think its over-indulgent. Its just a priority. Actually -- we make it a priority for DH and myself too, when we are interested in something. DH is currently taking guitar lessons. --

How cool! And so true. My dp/h plays a couple of instruments-- he loves to play. He mostly played bass guitar but wanted to learn upright bass. It's not the cheapest instrument in the world, and we didn't have it in the budget. So he sold his retro bass that he had as a teen-- who knew it was worth money?. Even though he wanted to keep it as a collector's item, he wanted the new upright more. We did take his lessons from the family budget, however. Music is a huge priority for us, and even when we should say no more, we don't.

Fwiw, when I wanted some fancy chickens, I sold some stuff online. There are so many ways to make it work, and it's fulfilling to have interests.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 

The term "over-indulging" is pretty loaded... and I don't think venting about the cost of things necessarily means one doesn't think they're worthwhile... it just means one wishes they were less expensive.

Dar


So true!

Was there another thread were parents were venting about costs? Is it the high school costing me money thread? I saw that as a vent more than anything. People vent about stuff all the time at MDC.

Sometimes I am freaked out by what people spend on cloth diapers or multiple cloth baby carriers than are outgrown in a couple of years. People have their own priorities and it's ok to vent sometimes about costs.


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## sevenkids (Dec 16, 2002)

Just because a child doesn't excell in an activity (or does it with "mediocre" skills) doesn't mean the child doesn't enjoy and get satisfaction from doing it. If the child's paintings will never hang on a gallery wall, should the child be discouraged from persuing art? Or dance, even if s/he'll never make the chorus line?

There are lots of ways to make it work, even if mom and dad are broke. The Boys and Girls Clubs offer all sorts of activities for kids and teens that are practically free. My 11 y/o DD is taking 10 weeks of ballet, every evening from 5-6pm, for a whopping $10.00. Other activities that they have been involved in through B&G's Clubs are drama and theatre, yoga, sculpture, art classes, basketball, choir, football, cheer, track, baseball and t-ball. My 13 y/o ds' football season cost me a total of $35, including the trips out of town/state, same for baseball. There's no way I would have been able to afford dance lessons at a private studio, so I found a way dd could participate and it not cost me our grocery budget. If she decides dance is her passion, and wants to take it further, then we'll figure something out, including her finding a job to help pay for it when she's old enough.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sevenkids* 
Just because a child doesn't excell in an activity (or does it with "mediocre" skills) doesn't mean the child doesn't enjoy and get satisfaction from doing it. If the child's paintings will never hang on a gallery wall, should the child be discouraged from persuing art? Or dance, even if s/he'll never make the chorus line?

There are lots of ways to make it work, even if mom and dad are broke. The Boys and Girls Clubs offer all sorts of activities for kids and teens that are practically free. My 11 y/o DD is taking 10 weeks of ballet, every evening from 5-6pm, for a whopping $10.00. Other activities that they have been involved in through B&G's Clubs are drama and theatre, yoga, sculpture, art classes, basketball, choir, football, cheer, track, baseball and t-ball. My 13 y/o ds' football season cost me a total of $35, including the trips out of town/state, same for baseball. There's no way I would have been able to afford dance lessons at a private studio, so I found a way dd could participate and it not cost me our grocery budget. If she decides dance is her passion, and wants to take it further, then we'll figure something out, including her finding a job to help pay for it when she's old enough.

Nice post!







We do a lot of town things. It's a little more costly than $35, but not too bad. We have the nicest instructional soccer program for little kids here. The kids have a great time, and it's one of my favorite ways to pass an hour or so on a crisp fall Saturday morning. I love chatting with the other parents, and those tiny kids are so adorable.


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## sevenkids (Dec 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
Nice post!







We do a lot of town things. It's a little more costly than $35, but not too bad. We have the nicest instructional soccer program for little kids here. The kids have a great time, and it's one of my favorite ways to pass an hour or so on a crisp fall Saturday morning. I love chatting with the other parents, and those tiny kids are so adorable.


I never thought I'd actually enjoy going to DS's football games, I loathe football (I'm a rabid soccer fan, myself! DS is _not_ interested) but it's actually fun.







And the little ones are so cute! They look like helmets with feet running all over the field.

Football is DS' passion, he _lives_ to play football, and will do whatever it takes to stay on the team, including doing his homework and keeping up his grades, which is very challenging for him. Over all, in spite of my initial reservations, football has been a wonderful thing for him. He has always struggled in school (dyslexic) and when he found something he loved and was good at, it really boosted his self-esteem and confidence, and gave him a reason to really work at something (school) he found difficult.
Plus, if he's not constantly doing something physical, he gets very irritable and bad-tempered. Between baseball and football season, he spent a good part of the evening running up and down the three flights of stairs at our apartment building.







He _needs_ to move.

DD (11 y/o) is still experimenting with different interests, but if and when she finds something she loves, we'll work through helping her persue it.

My little one, at 8, is more interested in reading and writing in his journal. He plays and enjoys baseball, but doesn't have much interest in other activities, and that's fine, too. I don't feel compelled to push him into activities he has no interest in, but I try to find him nice journals and pens (on sale!) for him to write with.

I think it's important for me to support, not just financially, my kids interests and individuality, whether it's a passion like DS's football, my DD's need to constantly try new and different things, or DS's love of writing.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susana* 
Here's a twist on the subject...one of my pet peeves is people who complain that they think my kids are too busy. I mean, why do they care? We're not asking them for money to fund the activities and we're not asking for rides to and from these things..I just don't get why they need to put their 2 cents in.

I just think some people see value, no matter what the cost, in having their kids pursue their interests in an attempt to live full and active lives...that's all










Going back to this post because I think its important.

Not matter what choices we make, it seems like someone can critisize, you know? Its frustrating.

I was complaining once, not about the cost, but about the chaufering required for kid's activities, because it gets to be a lot. My friend, who's kids were toddlers at the time, said with the MOST pretentious attitude, "_My husband and I have decided NOT to buy into that whole worldview. OUR kids will NOT be overscheduled like that._" It was crushing. She was not listening -- there are reasons. My older son is overweight -- we worry about his health. About the only active thing he does is swimteam, and thats 3x a week. I'm not taking that away, kwim? Its his health! And his other activity at the time was church youth club, which was also a substantial commitment - but what, I'm going to say "no" to church???

I really think there needs to be respect for people's choices in this area. Some people can afford/tolerate "fuller" lives than others. Its not something to critisize.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Going back to this post because I think its important.

Not matter what choices we make, it seems like someone can critisize, you know? Its frustrating.

I was complaining once, not about the cost, but about the chaufering required for kid's activities, because it gets to be a lot. My friend, who's kids were toddlers at the time, said with the MOST pretentious attitude, "_My husband and I have decided NOT to buy into that whole worldview. OUR kids will NOT be overscheduled like that._" It was crushing. She was not listening -- there are reasons. My older son is overweight -- we worry about his health. About the only active thing he does is swimteam, and thats 3x a week. I'm not taking that away, kwim? Its his health! And his other activity at the time was church youth club, which was also a substantial commitment - but what, I'm going to say "no" to church???

I really think there needs to be respect for people's choices in this area. Some people can afford/tolerate "fuller" lives than others. Its not something to critisize.

I agree that it's for a family to decide, knowing who their children are. You simply cannot force a teen into a passion or interest. I think it's really easy for parents of toddlers and small children to think their kids will always want to be home, or that it's somehow better for them to always be home. It's just not what kids with interests want to do all the time.

Not to mention, it's an absolute thrill watching your child do something they love. I can't say I am not unbelievely moved by my children''s talents. I cried through a *comedy* my son directed.







I loved hearing him introduce the play, I loved seeing him with his ear buds in the theater, I loved his blurb in the program.

I also can't listen to my dd sing without feeling a little weepy, and watching my youngest bang on his drums makes me all warm inside. It's not about me, it's about them, but I am so happy they can do the things that interest them. So I guess I do get some motherly pride out of their interests.







It's a pita driving them around at times, but eventually all of them will have their licenses.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I guess I am just coming from my own experiences. As a kid and even adult I hav never been great at anything because I am a dabbler. I like to do and try lts of different things and because of that I have not been able to stick with something long enough to become great at it and I hate that.

I think that is honest and self aware. I'd like to see you take the next step and realize that this is something to project on other people. Some people do really enjoy activities, whether they are brilliant at them or not. Some kids have incredible sticking power because they really love an activity. I see nothing wrong with parental willingness to make real sacrifices to support that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
We can't even afford 45 dollars a month for ballet lessons and Kailey is passionate about dance (even at age 6). We have to drive by the dance studio on our way home (no other way) and her little face gets so sad knowing she can't go. But there is nothing I can do. I certainly wouldn't break the bank so she can pursue dance, we can't afford that.

That is sad. There are things that our son we would like to be able to offer to our son and would gladly do so if we had more money. It is sad that some opportunities are closed to some kids. For me the answer to that isn't to criticize parents who can provide these opportunities for their kids though or to dismiss the value of these activities for all kids.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Who's dismissing, who's criticizing?

1) I am not criticizing them because they CAN provide these opportunities, I am criticizing them because they complain about paying for these MULTIPLE things at one time, even when the money is low.

2)no way am I dismissing these activities. I would love more than anything for Kailey to take dance, but we have nomoney.

Also Boys and Girls club? We don't have that. the Y? We don't have that either.

We live in Rockingham, NC there is NOTHING here. We have ONE parks and rec and we cannot afford the money for the sports there. Our schools don't have sports (except at the junior high and senior high schools.

I guess we are selfish people for wanting to pay the light bill instead of for dance classes.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
I think that is honest and self aware. I'd like to see you take the next step and realize that this is something to project on other people. Some people do really enjoy activities, whether they are brilliant at them or not. Some kids have incredible sticking power because they really love an activity. I see nothing wrong with parental willingness to make real sacrifices to support that.

That is sad. There are things that our son we would like to be able to offer to our son and would gladly do so if we had more money. It is sad that some opportunities are closed to some kids. For me the answer to that isn't to criticize parents who can provide these opportunities for their kids though or to dismiss the value of these activities for all kids.

In response to your first part: I didn't say people or kids shouldn't do activities unless they are great at them







but what I did say is that I don't think doing a lot of activities at one time just to be mediocre is a good thing either. And I am specifically referring to PAID activities such as sports or other activities like band where a large sum of money must be spent just to get involved.

My child is not going to be able to try out lots of things because we can't afford it and yeah, if she starts an instrument that she has been "dying" to try then NO she will not be able to just quit and start something new after a few weeks. She'll have to stick with it. My brother tried this and my parents made him stick with it and now he is a really good trumpet player. But he wouldn't have been without sticking to it.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I complain about a lot of bills... I'm not seeing how venting about bills is at all related to whether or not there is value in what you're paying for. I wish fresh vegetables were as cheap as canned green beans, but I'm not going to stop buying fresh veggies.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PottyDiva*
My child is not going to be able to try out lots of things because we can't afford it and yeah, if she starts an instrument that she has been "dying" to try then NO she will not be able to just quit and start something new after a few weeks. She'll have to stick with it. My brother tried this and my parents made him stick with it and now he is a really good trumpet player. But he wouldn't have been without sticking to it.

But what if the first thing she tries out isn't something she truly enjoys, or the second thing, or the third? Rain took dance classes at 3, and at 7, and quit both times after a few weeks or months. She started again at 10, and at 12 or so she decided that she really wanted to work at it, and she really has, joyfully... but in between, she did soccer, ceramics, nature camps, softball, lots of theatre, biology class, and a lot of stuff I don't even remember now... and she enjoyed them all, up until she decided she didn't want to do them anymore. I could have insisted that she stick with ceramics, for example, and I'm sure she'd be making lovely pots, but what's the point? There are plenty of people out there making lovely pots because they love ceramics, and I don't think the world especially needs a skilled potter who would rather be dancing, or at least would rather be doing something else.

I pay money for Rain's activities because she enjoys them. My goal isn't to create a prima ballerina, or master trumpet player - my goal is to help her live joyfully and experience what the world can offer, within the limitations of our lifestyle.

A quick google seacrh shows a 4-H branch in your city, if you're interested... they're free, and offer a lot of activities. I think the one where we used to live even offered dance. Parks and rec will usually have a way to apply for financial aid, if you meet their income eligibility guidelines - they may not advertise it, but you can ask. It looks like there's a YMCA in your area, too, and they offer sports programs very cheaply - and they also offer financial aid.

Again, though, your daughter is very young. I do think these sorts of activities tend to be more important for older kids - when Rain was young they were fun, but now that she's a teen they're really more central to her life.

Dar


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

oiy- sounded to judgemental and snarky and not helpful...

sorry


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

I can only speak from my own experience... I was a jack of all trades, and a master of none... and quite proud of it. I sang in the choir, worked on the yearbook, and was on the swim and soccer teams. No, I was not "great" at any of them (nor was I terrible... I just wasn't a "star"). Nor did I want to be. I enjoyed them all, and wasn't willing to "devote" myself to one at the expense of any of the others. This somewhat irked my coaches/teachers... they all, of course, wanted people who were devoted to their sport/activity over all others. I just wanted to enjoy myself.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

When Grayson was in Kinder he played Basketball for the first time and decided at the time it was not his thing. So I asked what he did like about it (he said he was there for the snacks) and played that part up as the fun part. I did make him finish the season as I reminded that it was a team sport and we did not want to let his team down, but told him that he did not have to play next season just because Briar does.

We too struggle financially. I am a sahm mom and we have 5 children. And we definitely pay the electric bill first. But we dont rent movies or eat out and such. And Darren and I do not have date nights. We prioritize what we can to make things work for us.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I take it back - the nearest Y is 20 miles from Rockingham, but there is 4-H right in the city itself. It looks like Rockingham is a small town - under 10,000 people. When we lived in a small town, we did have to do more driving to activities, but the housing costs were much lower, so it was sort of a trade-off...

dar


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
To clarify, over-indulging in my mind means to give (and in this case monetarily) more than you are able to financially.

That def. doesn't work for me because I live in an area with many families with millions of dollars. There really isn't anything that they can't afford.

I think that overindulged kids are the one's who parents do not expect them to be responsible for themselves or their things, or to consider the point of view of others. It has nothing to do with money.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
1) I am not criticizing them because they CAN provide these opportunities, I am criticizing them because they complain about paying for these MULTIPLE things at one time, even when the money is low.

I think a lot of parents go through an initial shock stage for new activities. For some families, the back to school bills (even for homeschooling families like us!) can be a bit suprising. It's just venting. It doesn't mean they can't afford it, or that they don't want to spend their money that way.

Quote:

2)no way am I dismissing these activities. I would love more than anything for Kailey to take dance, but we have nomoney.
I think that you are critizing others because you are unhappy with your own situation. The key is find a way to change your situation, not to knock what other people do for their kids.

I think that as long as you are hung up on thinking that people who provide wonderful opportunities for their kids are "over-indulging" their kids, it will be rough for you. You could, instead, think about how great it is that some families make their children and children's interests a priority, and look forward to being able to do the same for your kids in the near future.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

4-H is not free in our area. They have classes each summer and they do cost money.

The YMCA in Chesterfield is HORRIBLE, wouldn't go there for anything and it's moer like 40 miles from us, not 20 (if you use our town as a guideline it just goes by the post office, not where we live in Rockingham.

The Parks and Rec do not offer waivers (we tried last summer for soccer).

We won't drive somewhere for activities because the cost of living does not make up for gas. Cost of living may be low but so is our pay. My husband already drives to another county for work, so gas gets sucked up there.

We are just unable to do activities that cost money now.

This does not mean we do not do FREE activities, we do tons of those.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
In response to your first part: I didn't say people or kids shouldn't do activities unless they are great at them







but what I did say is that I don't think doing a lot of activities at one time just to be mediocre is a good thing either.

I think one of the best lessons we can learn at something is that we can get a great deal of enjoyment from it even if we aren't objectively good at it compared to other people. This is one reason I'm convinced why many adults don't exercise because they weren't good at sports and they are self concious to do something they aren't good at.

AND, we also need to learn that we can let go something that we are good at if we don't enjoy it. My primary concern in enrolling my son in activities isn't that we produce a world class musician, dancer, athlete...but instead that he have a way to explore different parts of himself and find activities he enjoys and have an appreciation that working hard is worthwhile. He's probably in the bottom 5% of the population in coordination and he takes dance. He isn't just mediocre, I think it is safe to say he's actually bad at it! But, he's found something that he gets joy from, that's healthy good exercise and hopefully will be able to continue to as he gets older.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
She'll have to stick with it. My brother tried this and my parents made him stick with it and now he is a really good trumpet player. But he wouldn't have been without sticking to it.

What pressure for a kid to live up to. For the record I played the same instrument from 5th grade to senior year and you know what? I never really was very good at it, but I got a lot out of the activity that was worthwhile. And, who knows if I'd been allowed to switch in 6th grade perhaps I would have switched to an instrument where I had more natural aptitude!


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
That def. doesn't work for me because I live in an area with many families with millions of dollars. There really isn't anything that they can't afford.

I think that overindulged kids are the one's who parents do not expect them to be responsible for themselves or their things, or to consider the point of view of others. It has nothing to do with money.

I think a lot of parents go through an initial shock stage for new activities. For some families, the back to school bills (even for homeschooling families like us!) can be a bit suprising. It's just venting. It doesn't mean they can't afford it, or that they don't want to spend their money that way.

I think that you are critizing others because you are unhappy with your own situation. The key is find a way to change your situation, not to knock what other people do for their kids.

I think that as long as you are hung up on thinking that people who provide wonderful opportunities for their kids are "over-indulging" their kids, it will be rough for you. You could, instead, think about how great it is that some families make their children and children's interests a priority, and look forward to being able to do the same for your kids in the near future.

What are you doing? Why even after I keep saying this has NOTHING to do with parents providing opportunities for their kids there are posters who are still accusing me of this?

I am knocking the COMPLAINING, not the providing. Please stop this.

I just called the Y, they do not have sports for 6 year olds. Soccer starts at age 7. They do not have dance, the woman I spoke to said that if they did it would also start at age 7.
Also Kailey is interested in dance, she doesn't want to play soccer or basketball or tennis or golf, or gymnastics. She wants to do ballet.

She likes to draw and do ballet.


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## sevenkids (Dec 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 

.

Also Boys and Girls club? We don't have that. the Y? We don't have that either.

We live in Rockingham, NC there is NOTHING here. We have ONE parks and rec and we cannot afford the money for the sports there.


Great news! Rockingham NC does have a B&G's Club!

http://www.governor.state.nc.us/Offi...ysandGirls.asp

Rockingham
Mr. Samuel Law
Executive Director
Boys & Girls Club of Eden
1026 Harris St.
Eden, NC 27288
(336) 627-7960
(252) 335-9415 Fax


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Roar- my brother LOVEs the trumpet AND is really good at it. He just needed to stick with it long enough to realize it.

He also started baseball and wanted to quit after one season. My parents had put a good deal of money into uniforms and such and they were not going to just let him quit after such a short time. He played until 8th grade and then decided he wasn't good at it and my parents said he could quit, but AFTER he had actually spent time practicing and learning about it.

To be clear, we would not allow Kailey to decide she wanted to do an activity on a whim, we would all discuss it and think about it for awhile before spending money on it. For instance before we started dance we went to a few classes (3) and she was able to participate in one class. She still liked it even after seeing the work that goes into it. So we signed her up. She continues to love dancing and it breaks my heart that we cannot afford dance.

If we paid for our internet service we would cancel it, but we don't.

In fact, we cannot even afford rent or childcare. We are freeloading on both until September.

Happy now.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sevenkids* 
Great news! Rockingham NC does have a B&G's Club!

http://www.governor.state.nc.us/Offi...ysandGirls.asp

Rockingham
Mr. Samuel Law
Executive Director
Boys & Girls Club of Eden
1026 Harris St.
Eden, NC 27288
(336) 627-7960
(252) 335-9415 Fax


EDEN IS TWO HOURS AWAY FROM US!!!!


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

What I think is going on here is that you all really dislike me so much that you are now throwing bizarre posts my way. If you would prefer I leave just say so, ok?

Geez.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
What I think is going on here is that you all really dislike me so much that you are now throwing bizarre posts my way. If you would prefer I leave just say so, ok?

Geez.









- I'm sorry if some of the post sound bizzarre. My guess is people were/are trying to help you think of way to get your dd in some sort of dance class on the cheap and explain why they are willing to pay for classes even though money and time may be tight.

Some people, myself included, thought it sounded like you were saying why bother with an activity if you can not be great at it. Maybe I just misunderstood the "tone" of your comments... sometimes it can be hard to get that on a message board.

Also, I got the feeling that you were resentful that some people can afford classes for their kids that, at least at the moment, you can't. BTDT and yes it sucks. If you are feeling that way, not saying you are but just in case, remember that your dd is still very young and will have I'm betting many opportunities to take classes and join sports teams.

Yes, people will complain about how much this stuff cost. It's just the nature of the beast - I'd rather everything be free to all who want to do it. Unfortunetly or fortunetly (depending on how you look at it), we are in a capitalist society and money makes it go round and round and round.

From an earlier post, you mentioned all the wonderful things you do with her. It made me long for the days my dd was that age and we did those alot of those things...

ETA: I don't prefer you to go







I am really sorry if some of my post sound harsh. I sincerely believe we are all trying to do our best to raise children that will make the world a better place and children that will find their niche in that world. Sometimes things seem to conspire to make that a tough goal. We just have to hang in there and have faith it will all work out...

ETA Also:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sevenkids* 
My friend's daughter wanted to take ballet, and she went to the most expensive private studio in the city, asked for a scholarship, and got it. There are organizations willing to help, you just need to make the effort to find them and ask for it.


Ya know what I have found? Some of the most expensive and exclusive studios are also the ones that give the most in grants for those that need them. Not sure if that will help you Pottydiva, but just something I noticed.

*


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## sevenkids (Dec 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
EDEN IS TWO HOURS AWAY FROM US!!!!


I'll thank you not to scream at me.







:

I'm no stranger to poverty, I'm a (once again) single mom with 5 kids to support. But if my kids want to do something, I will get off my self-pitying high horse and ask for help. Like I asked my son's coach to waive the $35 dollar registration fee so he could play football last season. And he graciously did, he even took him to Sport's Authority and bought him his cleats. My friend's daughter wanted to take ballet, and she went to the most expensive private studio in the city, asked for a scholarship, and got it. There are organizations willing to help, you just need to make the effort to find them and ask for it.

Sometimes there are lots of resources and alternatives that we don't know about until someone else suggests them. You can take the suggestions offered here in the spirit in which they were intended, as an honest effort to help you help your daughter get what she wants, or you can expend more energy in being angry and scream at me some more. It's up to you.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

potty diva, I don't dislike you. I'm sorry you can't afford rent or childcare or dance classes. That has got to suck, and I hope your situation changes for the better and soon.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
What I think is going on here is that you all really dislike me so much that you are now throwing bizarre posts my way. If you would prefer I leave just say so, ok?

Geez.









wow I just dont get which post was bizarre







:








:

And I really think that we "complaining" parents are suffering from "Sticker Shock". I really think that there is a difference.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Potty Diva- Please dont think I am trying to intrude but could you maybe purchase (for a birthday or such) a dance dvd for you little gal. My daughter has some and loves to put on her leotard and "dance" I do it with her and we have a lot of fun. Perhaps if you know any little girls in the neighborhood or if she has school friends maybe they could come over for "dance class".

I grew up taking dance until my mom and dad split and we could not afford it. In fact the electric was paid out of our broken piggy banks. I promise it does not haunt me. It really made me apperciate things when it got better. (Which it did by the way, and I pray it will for you too!)

And I do think that if a teen wants to do something bad enough and parents cannot afford it they will work to find a way to do it.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:

I am criticizing them because they complain about paying for these MULTIPLE things

Quote:

I am knocking the COMPLAINING

Bottom line is this is the teen forum and the parents here have the right to complain if they want to. If you don't want to hear the complaining, don't read the thread. It's really that simple.

Additionally, teens choosing activities is not the same as a 6 year old choosing them. Maybe some of the folks in teh Childhood Years forum have some tips for you?


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I didn't even realize until half way through this thread that you are talking about a six yo. Potty Diva. That was confusing -- this being a teen board and all. FTR - I don't think a 6 yo. has the same needs for activity and accomplishment that a teenager does, and I'm absolutely sure that your 6 yo. is just fine and thriving on the creativity that you provide for her. I would not kill myself looking for free activities for a 6 year old. You are right about arts and crafts, etc... My 7 yo. only does activities sporadically when he has the gumption for it. Mostly he likes to sit and home and read Magic Tree House or play Webkins.









I thought the posters who provided links and resources were just trying to be nice.... you have said several times that you wish your dd could dance, but you can't afford it. If you had said, "We don't do activities and we're just fine and satisfied," then nobody would have offered suggestions. But as it is -- people were just trying to help. I feel confused about why that upset you so much -- I feel like there must be something going on unders the surface about this issue, for you -- your reactions have been emotionally disproportionate to what has been stated. But I am not going to guess at what it is.

I suspect that when your DD is older, if she has an interest in outside activities, she will help to find a way somehow. At any rate -- its a long way off, and circumstance change given time.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Mamas,
You're right. I feel less than adequate as a parent because we cannot afford to put our daughter in dance, or even other sports activities if she wanted them. Most of the kids, and I would say all of them, in her afterschool care class are involved in something (even Girl Scouts) but Kailey isn't and I feel like a poor parent. Even the woman I can't stand who is a lying, cheating UA violation can afford to get her kids (all three of them) into activities every school year and summer- but not us. And it isn't all financial, really. Dh doesn't think it's a priority. He says we can't afford it, and there is no way.

I'm not bitter at any mamas who have their kids in activities, but I am frustrated at myself.

Are there other things going on? Yes, once again I am feeling really angry with posts here and it all stems from me getting irked at other posters for not seeing things "my way." It happens about one a year or so on MDC (generally I get banned for a period of time when it happens).

Last night I went clothing shopping and found I am 2 sizes bigger, even after going vegan for the last month. It's frustrating and miserable for me. My stomache is huge and protruding. It hangs down and I just feel hopeless.

Dh hasn't found a teaching job for next year and I honestly doubt he will get one since he was let go after only his first semester of teaching (he has excellent letters of recommendation from more than three people- including his former principal).

I'm stress (which is no one's problem but my own) and just feeling crappy overall.

You're right, my posts here having nothing to do with teens not being responsible, or parents over-indulging (which really was a poor word choice) their teens.

I cannot see into the future or predict how I will react the the social needs Kailey will have once she has reached her teen years. All I can do is to listen to the advice of mamas here who have or are raising teens now.

Some of you took the time to look for resources for me and I am appreciative and grateful that you did this, and you had no obligation to do so- thank you.

I wasn't going to respond further to this thread but feel you have a right to know why I'm sounding so ungrateful and angry.

Mamas, I am truly, completely sorry for first interupting the "cost" thread and then for creating this snarky thread, really.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Oh, Diva -- your post made me cry. I hope you DON'T get banned, this time, because you are valued here. You are having a sucky time lately, eh? I think anyone dealing with what you are dealing would be feeling a little grumpy and snarky, so don't be hard on yourself, okay?

I think this thread has been interesting. Its a good idea for a disscussion, if it weren't so emotionally loaded for you right now -- a lot of good points have been raised, different views expressed -- its good to think through these things.

Early on in the thread you posted that you and DH had both "failed" in life. That post was a bit of a red flag, kwim? Using a word that indicates such finality -- like "failed" -- really makes it sound as if you have just given up. I hope thats not true. You can be havng a rough time or journeying through a rough patch for a good long while, and still come out whole on the other side eventually. You haven't "failed" in life if you are still kicking.

Let go of your concerns about activities for right now. You have a good long while before you have to worry about it too much.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

Potty Diva~


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)




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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)




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