# Should I commit myself?



## Boxerlove1 (Oct 11, 2005)

I find myself not wanting to live any longer. It has been 6 weeks since Sebastian died. Every day I think how much I would love to just wake up and have him in my arms. I actually pray out loud for God to take my life while I sleep, so that my fantasy can come true. I don't want to kill myself, for fear of going to hell, and then I will never see Sebastian again. I don't think I could take my own life, but I have thought about dying non-stop. I think of my life, and all of my failures, and how I couldn't even hack motherhood.... It doesn't make sense - babies are born addicted to drugs, to mothers with HIV, and to abusive homes, and yet he lets them live. My baby, who would have been born into a wonderful home, filled with love, is taken from me. People say its Gods will, and then my mind starts working overtime. I feel like saying something so off color and shocking about GODS WILL. Like "Ok, so lets say someone sends a bomb to your house, and it explodes, killing your whole family.... would it be a comfort to you, knowing that it is GODS WILL???" There are lots of nasty, ugly, vile things that are evidently, part of God's will... does this make them any easier to deal with??

I feel as though my reason to live has been ripped away. I want a baby, I want MY baby, Sebastian. I want to be pregnant again so badly. But I am so afraid. Cerclage, bedrest.... all of these things await me for my next pregnancy, and frankly, I am terrified. Can I ever enjoy pregnancy again?

I was always determined to have lots of kids, since my family is so small and I am an only child. Now, I'm not so sure. I would be happy, ecstatic, with just one. I want to be a mommy so bad that the thought of not being one kills me. I need a reason to live - Sebastian was it. Now he is gone, and nothing makes sense. Time is standing still. I feel like I'm in some sort of emotional limbo. I find myself thinking such evil thoughts about pregnant woman and babies. Why don't their babies die? My bf got pissed with me for saying something off-color about this one baby.... he said "just because this terrible thing happened to us doesn't mean the rest of the world should suffer..." but I feel like it should. I just want someone else I know to go thru this, so I won't be "the one." You know.... the one everybody pities and feels sorry for. The one who when people go home at night, they hug their kids and thank god that they are not me..... just another task inlife that I have failed miserably at... although this time, it may kill me,..

I don't know what to do - I am terrified of life. I go back to work on Monday, and I am so not ready, but I have to. Bf just got a new job, and my parents have cut me off COMPLETELY since I refuse to leave him (long story), so I am on my own. Nice. Just when I need the most help, they bail. So I may be homeless soon too. But I have found that I don't care anymore. Home, car, material possessions - they mean nothing. The prospect of going humgry and sleeping in my car, I just don't care. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I would hope that it killed me instantly. I have no desire to carry on. I am really confused. Would I be better off dead? Would everyone else be better off if I died? Am I just being selfish?

Everything is a glaring reminder of failure. I try so hard to please everyone, and nobody is happy. My parents expected me to just up and leave my bf and move back in with them, and now that I don't they say "You are so ungrateful - after everything we have done for you since this happened...." I see. So my son's death inconvenienced so many people that I should be on my knees, thanking them for helping me, and thus signing the rest of my life over to them because it was only due to them that my son had an appropriate funeral.... I can't believe they would use this tragedy to try to gain leverage over me. Now that things are normalling out for me and BF, they just keep saying "he's gonna tell you anything you want to hear, but he'll do it again..." I refuse to give up on him. On us. We are making real progress here, and nobody can see that. I think it is best to just cut them from my life completely, but then I piss off more people. What about me? When does my happiness count?

I don't know what else to say. I am miserable. I don't care to live anymore. I want my son. I want to be a mom. I can't take much more.....


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

oh honey







I am so sorry that you are going through this and feeling like you do.I do not know your story but losing a child is such a painful experience and it makes you feel so low and it is such a shame that your parents aren't being there for you at such an heartbreaking time.I do not want to offer advice about something I do not know too much about,the best I can say is can you talk to your doctor?I went on anti depressants when I felt like I wished that I did not wake up in the morning,it helped me through some very tough times.I don't think they are a fix for everything in life but when you really need a helping hand,well like i said,i don't want to say too much,
I wish you well sweetie,
take care,


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

sebastion's mommy,
i just want to share with you a few things i thought when i read your post. first, i want to encourage you to keep coming here- the mom's here are non-judgemental, very accepting, and we have all suffered the loss of a child, some of us in very similiar situations to yours, and we understand how horrible it is... second, i have felt the way you are feeling. it is a strange way to live, to somehow want to be dead so you can be with your child- it is very disturbing to be living such a nightmare, and while i knew at the time i was feeling so low that i couldn't kill myself, just waking up in the morning was misery in the first few weeks after my daughter died. there was always a little voice in my head that reminded me that ending my life would prevent me from a)having another child, and more importantly b)being the best person i could be to honor my daughter. these two thoughts got me through the hardest times. to envision a future is an immediate remedy to wanting to end your life. if the suicidal thoughts become too much, or even if your depression gets to a point where you can't function in your life, than i would agree with minimunklemomma, to consult a doctor that you trust to talk about medications that may help you transition to a healthier place. these low low low points are part of the grieving process, and it is 'normal' to feel them. you are not alone. another thing is that i 100% agree with you- to listen to someone tell you that your son dying was somehow part of a master plan- well, personally i can't accept that. i think that we all try to rationalize how such a horror can happen- babies shouldn't have to die. we come up with ideas that make it 'better' to think about somehow, but the bottom line is that it just isn't fair, it totally sucks, the pain will never just disappear because of some reason we come up with. living with the unanswered question "why did my baby die?" is the biggest challenge of all. there isn't an answer. it is important to find a way to live with this unresolved question, while at the same time moving onward and into your own life, to make your life the way you want it to be is the greatest honor you can pay tribute to sebastion. you are in a very new place of grieving, and please trust that it will change, and it can get less painful.

i am sorry that your family is being manipulative. you are right in saying that when you need them the most, they are acting terribly. can you tell them what you wrote here? i wish there was a way we could all reach through this computer screen and give you a big hug of support. please come here and talk about how you're feeling- it can really help, even just to read how other mom's are feeling- that can help to understand your own confusing feelings sometimes.

much love to you-


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so very sorry for your loss. Weeks after I lost Grace, probably around the 6 week mark when the shock wore off and people stopped being there, was the first time in my life that I truly contimplated suicide. I rememberdriving down the road by myself and realized how easy it would be to just swerve my car into a tree and die. I knew I would never do it, but the thought was there and it was more serious than I ever thought I was capable of.

These thoughts went away after awhile because the pain was not as strong as it was at that point. Don't get me wrong the sadness and pain have not disappeared, but it's nothing like those first few months. Please know that, that you will not feel as bad as you do right now. It's hard to imagine, I know. The shock and numbness are wearing off at this point. Feel all the feelings as best you can. I went for some grief counseling which actually turned into marriage cousneling (a good thing for us) and I went on St. John's Wort for the depression (which worked for me). For you, coming here may help, grief counseling or even support groups in your area.

I personally have done my best to cut off anyone who won't listen or try to understand what I have gone through. It's just too much for me right now to use all of the energy it can take to keep a relationship up with someone who doesn't get anything about me anymore. With family, that's a little more difficult, but I would have done it if it was a bad situation. That I am sure of.

I just give you my point of view for you to consider among the others. Pick and choose what feels right for you. But most of all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I wish you the best and hope to see you again.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Boxerlove1,
I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. I lost Carrie 7 weeks ago tomorrow so alot of your feelings sound similar to the way I am feeling. It makes me crazy mad when people say that losing my baby was "God's will" and I also have a very hard time around pregnant women/babies that I don't personally know. I can't tell you I know exactly how you feel --we all have different situations -- but I can say that there are people here reading and listening -- feel free to post as often as you need to. Talking to someone supportive or even your healthcare provider may be very helpful for you too. Maybe a support group in your area will help you connect with other moms who are also hurting and able to understand. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that you will always be Sebastian's mom -- it is ok to be sad and feel all the things that you are feeling -- losing a baby is awful and terrible. You are in my thoughts


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

Oh honey, I hurt for you. DON"T give up right now. This is the hardest time. You just need to get through the initial shock and intense sadness and it will get easier. It won't go away, but hopefully it will become bearable. I am not a religious person, so we may not agree on spiritual things, but as far as people telling you it was "God's will"... that is very cruel. I can't imagine a loving God wanting us to hurt as much as we do. Some people believe that everything is planned and that things happen for a reason, but I can't think of a reason that we lost our babes. We aren't alone in having lost our babies, either. You would be AMAZED at all the women I have talked to since my Quinn died that had miscarriages, still born babes, or lost them shortly thereafter. It almost seems like an epidemic! Of course, that doesn't take your pain away, but many women know what you are going through, you aren't alone. As far as going back to work, I was TERRIFIED of facing people. I am a massage therapist and have many clients who all knew I was expecting. It was intense that first week, but I felt so much better!!! I'm sure if I'd stayed home longer I would have sunk into a deep depression. So try to be brave and go back to work. You'll be suprised at the support you'll get there.







Hugs, Bethany, mom to Quinn 10/14/05-10/15/05


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

This is my first time posting here and I suppose that I should have put up an intro first but your post simply called to me. Please know that there are lots of people out there thinking of you. I can't know what your pain is like but I have long struggled with severe depression and miscarrages (which I know is much different than looseing a child that has already lived outside the womb). I have also been homeless. Please be kind to yourself and see that you get the help you need. If you feel this bad it reallymight be best to seek out some inpatient treatment. Even if you have to go to a state hospital and get sub par care you will be with other women who can relate to your pain and who can help you on your way to wanting to get better. I remember being in hospitals (once when I was almost ready to deliver my son) and all of a sudden finding peace when I realised that so many other women had suffered pregnancy loss (and shitty boyfriends who tossed them out which is what landed me in there) and even the loss of growing, crawling, running kids. If you feel your back is against a wall as far as your finances are concerned then the social workers there will be able to help you do things like apply for welfare, figure out what kind of work you can do, or look for a good, safe shelter if need be. Please don't fear "The Looney Bin" hospitalization, while unplesant, can save your life. It saved mine. It can help you regroup and rest in a safe place. You are in my thoughts. Take care!


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Well I am trying to not keep track of how many weeks but my son was born two months ago yeasterday and died a week later. So I know to a certain degree some of the craziness and the horrendous pain you are going through with regards of your huge loss. Thankfully I didnt have the other stuff other than a few things with my inlaws. I am so sorry you dont have more support when you need it







First of all I have too thought of killing myself and when I cry intensly I often say "I cannot live like this" but I know I am not going to attempt any thing. Only you know if you think you are posing a danger to yourself. I would share those thoughts with someone close to you so maybe they can keep an eye for you? If you feel you "might" try something do get help!

First of all the only thing that is making me feel like I can keep going is my faith so I wanted to chime in in that silly advice you are given. The people that tell you is God's will most likely dont have a clue what they are saying. To top it off ... I dont think that is the best Christian advice you can get. When Lazarus (I believe it was him) died Jesus didnt go around telling people "it is God's will" you know what he did? He weept and that is not in the Greek a little tinsy bit of crying it was an all out crying type of a thing if I remember correctly. Also when the Bible talks about how to deal with people that are grieving he says "mourn with those who mourn" Romans12:15 Another thing that the Bible addresses is that people can help by bearing our burdens. Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and therby fulfill the law of Christ" This is by helping with the simple things that we all well know are too hard for people grieving to handle... practical needs... food, cleaning house etc.. Another thing that can be of help is by sharing how God has comforted them. I would find it almost offensive for anybody to tell me I knwo how you feel when they havent lost a child. My butt they know how I feel. They can maybe imagine ... anyway there is verse that speaks to this 2 Cor 1:3-4 if you want to look it up you can. www.biblegateway.com has an online Bible. I dont see how saying it was God's will is comforting at all and I dont think that is Biblical advice anyway so please ignore it. One thing I know is that I dont understand why this happened or why God allowed my son to die. I can trust however that my son is in heaven, that I will see him again and that God can work anything for good, meaning blessings can come out of the suffering and I am looking forward to those. I already see some blessings... I am a better mama to my first son, a better wife to my husband and our marriage might have been saved by our little son that died... we were slownly drifting apart and who knows where we would have landed.

OK sorry I hope I dont sound like a preacher but the it is God's will is an "expression" that many Christians use and dont even think about. Not the most helpful and I think they would be most helpful if they did what the Bible actually says to do and they would grief with those who grief and help out with practical needs. There are other things that the Bible says about grieving and comforting but man I cannot find anything in there that says "tell them it was God's will'!

I am feeling a little better and for what I know of grief (I have lost both my parents as well) the intense pain you are going through now will lessen and you wont feel as deep into this sadness as you are feeling now... but boy is it hard to get through this. Try taking care of yourself


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

You are not alone. I just lost my baby Monday morning. It isn't fair-- everytime I look in the paper I saw a story about someone killing their baby. We were good parents and tried to do everything right.

I understand what you are saying about God's will. I keep being told that he has returned to god and is safe and warm. That he was too perfect for this world and god wanted him to be with him. Well, frankly, that's bullshit. For years I haven't really been able to decide if I even believed in a god. But I guess if I want to be angry at him, I have to believe he exists. But I don't understand why a god would want to take my beautiful baby from me. I keep thinking I'm being punished for something...

I haven't yet talked to my dr about anti-depressants, but I'm considering them and I think you should. Not to forget about your gorgeous son, but to just take the edge off so that you can cope.

I have to go to the funeral home today to make arrangements... I can't imagine how hard it is going to be. You made it through that, you can make it through anything.

Please hang in there- it will give me hope that I can keep going.


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

Oh, sweetie, I am sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I was ready to check myself into a hospital several times since we lost our son (I was 35w3d). I can't offer much help but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Thank goodness for this forum.

Maisie


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## Gray's Mommy (Jul 8, 2005)

to you. The wise women above have all given excellend advice.
I wish you peace and healing.


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I could not read your heart wrenching post with out posting myself!!!
You have been given much great adivice mama! Take it and use it well. If you honestly feel you need to seek professional in-house treatment, then do so. Perhaps you need an antidepressent? Things will get better, but before they do, YOU MUST GET BETTER!

I am so sorry for your loss... you will be a wonderful mommy one day!

Best and warmest wishes to you and yours!


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I wish there was some way I could help share your burden. You need someone to take care of you. Alas, we live coasts apart. I wish things would have been different for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Sebastian. Peace be with you.


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