# How I validated my daughter's life today :)



## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Okay, so I have really been struggling with the "How many children do you have/is he your only" type questions. Even wrote a poem about it (a work in progress). So today, a postcard comes in the mail that it is time to update my college alum directory info. So I call, thinking it's just address stuff. The guy is very friendly, joking around, generally conversational. They get to the part about family info, check dh's name, then ask about children. I give them Jimmy's info, then ask if they have a place where they can list "deceased". He says yes, so my daughter is now officially recorded in my alumni directory







Trying to put it into words, but it is difficult to describe. There is a sense of relief that I have anwered the question honestly, instead of giving the "easy" answer. So then, of course, I had to order the thing, just so I could see it listed.

So my question to you wise mommas is, how do you/have you handled those questions, and when does the answer get easier (or does it)?

Thanks for your thoughts,


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Carrie--

Thanks for your post. I am so glad you had the chance to include your daughter. I still am finding my way through this question. At first I always talked about Kevin, but now I realize there are times I really don't want to get into the whole story, or I really don't want to hear someone else's comments about my baby's death, so I don't mention him. The hardest times for me are when people comment, "Oh, you have your hands full" because I'm thinking they should have been much more full. Or when they say, "Oh, you were brave to have another one after twins". And I'm thinking that I had another one they don't even know about. Stuff like that is hard, and those situations (in public, with strangers) don't really lend themselves to talking about Kevin. I'm thinking about what I want to do for a Christmas card this year. Do I sign all of our names? I have such a strong desire to validate my baby's life (I love how you expressed that), and am constantly trying to find ways to do that.

Love,
Katherine


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Thank you to you both for starting this dialogue. I am still pretty new in my grief, but I don't care at this point about other people's reactions when I tell them, yes I have a child, but she didn't survive. If they are uncomfortable with death, their problem not mine









I think that its so wonderful you were able to include your daughter someway in your alumni book. When ours comes around again (many years from now, because they just released one last year) I will know I can put Adia in there with pride.

As far as for christmas cards I have read to add your childs name as in memory of ....Maybe because Adia is my first and I am in such deep grief, I already add her name to any cards I send out. She is so real and important to me I can't phantom not including her in my everyday life. This may change as I come further along, but this is where I am at now. ~Heather mommy to Adia born sleeping 4/7/03


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I really could'nt put my loss into words till after Ezra was safely in my arms... but now when people ask if he's our first I have no problem saying "no, we lost our first at birth". It's the easiest way of explaining what happened without going into too much detail about our loss.

The amazing thing is, a lot of the time, when I share my loss, the person asking has a loss of their own to share. The truth becomes a healing thing for us both.

XM


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you all for sharing.

Katherine, I guess I am having trouble mainly with the polite conversational strangers.

XM, I like your "No we lost our ____ at birth". I find that more comfortable that "he is our only living child". I wonder if saying that she died at birth is "okay" (will it satisfy the need for honesty that I am feeling), in that she died about a week before she was born? I will have to think it over, but that that is the most natural wasy I have heard to include a lost baby. Thank you for the suggestion.

Heather, I am not so much worried about offending or bothering them, more that I just don't want to get into it with relative strangers. With my friends and family, it is easier to share.
As far as including her, dh signed my mother's day card from him, ds and dd. And then asked me if it was okay with me to do that. We have included her in subtle ways in family moments as well. I have a pin that my dr's nurse (we got very close during my pg) gave me while I was laboring with her birthstone that I wear on holidays, in family pictures, things like that. It is our private aknowledgement of her. That has helped immensely. DH also has a collar pin that he wears when he feels the need.

Again, thanks for sharing


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Posted by Carrie:

"I wonder if saying that she died at birth is "okay" (will it satisfy the need for honesty that I am feeling), in that she died about a week before she was born?"

I have the same dilemma. I generally say that he died during labor, because we found out during labor that he had died.

It's really too much to go into in brief, superficial conversations. The biggest problem I was having was at my kids' new school. Everyone I meet asks, "So what prompted you to make the change from homeschooling?". After too many strangers giving me their opinions, asking tons of questions, and saying really insensitive things after I said that our baby died and I really wasn't up for homeschooling anymore (which is a major understatement--I couldn't brush my teeth, let alone teach my children anything!) , I now say simply, "It was time." Then as I get to know the other moms better, I can tell who is supportive and sensitive and safe to share with.

I came to this decision after a mom (who lost a baby at 18 weeks, about 11 years ago) said to me, "Well, at least you didn't have to go for three days knowing your baby was dead inside you." What? I know that her experience was horribly painful, but after she left I found myself thinking about the fact that I labored for 24 hours after learning my baby had died, I was wheeled into the OR for a c-section, knowing my baby had died, not to mention that with my miscarriage at 10 weeks, I went for 1 1/2 weeks knowing that the baby inside me had died. I wanted to run after her and say, "Does that count?" Why can't we women just empathize with each other without that need to compete and compare? Honestly, if she had bothered to find out my whole story she would realize how ridiculous it was to say something like that. For goodness' sake, I underwent major surgery knowing my baby had already died! So, yeah, after that I realized that I want to be much more selective in who I talk to about Kevin. There had been several conversations kind of like that, and then that one was the last straw.

I also have a birthstone pin that I like to wear. And we have a little, white angel bear with the name "Kevin" on a heart that we will hold in family pictures. My parents found it at a Hallmark store, and I love it. On the subject of keepsakes, have you all seen the "Angel Lady" who does drawings including your "angel"? Her web site is angelady.net, and I was so moved by all the pictures there. I really want to get one, so I can have a "complete" family picture.

Love to you all,
Katherine

(And, XM, it's great to see your posts. I think your wisdom and compassion are even deeper than before Ezra's birth, if that's possible. You have been such a warm voice of support on this board, thank you







)


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Katherine,
We have been fortunate in that we have encountered few if any insensitive comments. I can't imagine not completely understanding switching from homeschooling. People are such idiots sometimes. I was really fortunate that ds was in school, so that I had 4 hours a day to not have to take care of anyone. And his teachers were wonderful in how they handled his grief took care of him.

When I have given detail to strangers, I usually just say that when I went in for my 7m checkup, there was no heartbeat, and I was induced because of my health (I developed early onset preeclampsia in both of my pg). How about "we lost our second shortly before birth?" Is that vague enough without being dishonest?

<"Well, at least you didn't have to go for three days knowing your baby was dead inside you." What? I know that her experience was horribly painful, but after she left I found myself thinking about the fact that I labored for 24 hours after learning my baby had died, I was wheeled into the OR for a c-section, knowing my baby had died, not to mention that with my miscarriage at 10 weeks, I went for 1 1/2 weeks knowing that the baby inside me had died. I wanted to run after her and say, "Does that count?" Why can't we women just empathize with each other without that need to compete and compare? >

This kind of stuff drives me nuts, too? Why do we always have to be worse off than someone else, and be more deserving of their sympathies and attention?

While I was still in the hospital, an acquiantance was admitted down the hall, having lost her baby as well. To me, her experience was "much worse", but more for how she was treated. She was bleeding heavily at 36 weeks, called her dr who didn't even call her back, finally left for the hospital after calling him back maybe 30 minutes later, drove for 20+ minutes, waited in the ER for her dr who never even showed up at the hospital! (the ER then called my dr who immediately came in), and finally had an emergency split open up the middle cs, only to lose her baby in the minutes between the GA and the incision. She woke up not knowing her baby had died,as there was still a heartbeat as she was put under.

I appreciate the fact that I was given the choice of being induced for a breech VBAC or a repeat cs, and that I had the time adjustment between learning of her death and having to actually deal with it. I am fortunate that for such a terrible experience, it was handled as compassionately and lovingly as it could have. We were even able to laugh during labor a few times. It is those moments that temper the rest.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Carrie, your aquaintance's experience reminds me of Xiola's birth... as I began pushing, we had FHT's. When she emerged less then 10 minutes later, she was limp and blue. I chattered away while the crash team tried to get her started, I thought she was just being slow, I had'nt seen how she looked when she came out and I thought they were going to hand me my baby any moment. She was alive mere minutes before, it was impossible that she was dead. But she was.

I don't feel the need to explain further, especially to strangers, exactly *how* we lost our daughter. Saying we lost her at birth is the simplest way to explain it, and I feel it captures the essence of our loss, that she was almost in our arms when we lost her. Sometimes I will say, "we had a previous loss" or "we lost our daughter last year". Whatever works for you. We had a few truly idiotic things said to us when we lost Xiola and so I am pretty guarded about who I share her with and how I share what I do. I don't see this as denying her existence so much as protecting myself from the stupidity of others.

The "my grief is greater then yours" BS gets me every time. Many women tend to have a zero-sum view of the world, as in... if I have a great guy in my life, that's one great guy that's not in yours... as if me having something wonderful takes away from someone else having something wonderful. Conversely, just because someone loses a baby 'early' or knew their baby was dead when they went into labor does'nt make their grief any less then mine. How do you quantify the pain of losing a child? You can't. And it amazes me that some women even try.

I also have a locket with pictures of Xiola in it that I wear almost every day, now that Ezra is grabbing and pulling on it I need to geta stronger chain for it so it is'nt lost. And thank you, Katherine. It looks like you have been a tremendous source of comfort and support as well for mams here. You sound so strong now and that makes me so very happy for you.

XM


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

XM and Katherine, thank you both again for your wisdom and understanding. We are coming up on the 1 year mark, and I think a lot of this has been on my mind lately, both consciously and unconsciously.


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