# When you disagree about safety with your DH



## Sri Radha (Jun 24, 2007)

I am having major problems with my dh regarding infant safety. Recently he took my 4 month old on a trampoline. I don't believe an infant should be on one of those things. He claims he is a trampoline "expert." And it's safe. I think it's insanity.

He loves to ride his bike and he wants to get one of those kid trailers for his bike. She can't even sit up yet on her own!!! I also find this ridiculous and dangerous at this stage of her life.

Worse is, I don't feel like he cares about my concerns. This stuff really scares me! My mother was very overprotective and he claims I am, too. I think this is normal stuff to be scared of right now. It is not age appropriate. HELP!

We are in counseling and when he brought up the trampoline thing the therapist said that most mothers would be scared of this. He just reacted like we both didn't know what we are talking about. Then said "OK, you win." It's not about winning, it's about my baby's safety!!!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Make an appointment with your pediatrician to discuss this and take dh with you. Let the 'expert' tell him that his daughter's neck isn't near strong enough to support her big head. You might want to keep it all 'theoretical' with the doctor though, because frankly the doctor might be obligated to report this kind of INSANELY risky behavior to the authorities.

Point out to him that it's not like he'll never get to do this fun stuff with her, he just needs to wait a little longer (a year or two? I don't know) until her neck is strong enough to support her head. Then follow up with a question: how would he feel if while he was holding her on the trampoline when her neck broke? Could he live with the guilt?

It's really too bad that the therapist focused on how this makes mothers _feel._ That's not the point. It would have been best if the therapist had stated plainly that taking babies on a trampoline is simply wrong.

There might be a warning on a bike trailer indicating it's not recommended for children under a certain age. I'd look into that.

Best of luck to you.

Edited to add:

http://www.bicycletrailers.com/Burley-Bee.pro

This trailer has an extra seat for babies 3 to 12 months old that adds extra support. The link is about half way down the page.


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## KempsMama (Dec 1, 2008)

I'm a pretty laid back mom, very free range, but neither of those activities are age appropriate, IMO.

That being said, the best advice I can give you is to "give" when you can. The two issues you describe are non-negotiable, but perhaps there are other areas you could lighten up a bit with? Your hubby sounds anxious to share activities with your LO. Maybe you could come up with some that you feel comfortable with to suggest?

ETA-the Consumer Product Safety Commission says no bike trailers until 1 year. http://vitessepress.com/index.php/my...e-Outing-.html


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I'm pretty laid back (my <1 year old does ride in a bike trailer on occasion- but only very recently and after he began pulling himself to stand- on vehicle free paths with no hills/bumps) but the trampoline is just asking for shaken baby syndrome. Yikes!

In my opinion, when it comes to safety when parents disagree, it's better to err with the 'safer' opinion.


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## Sri Radha (Jun 24, 2007)

I did look up the age requirements for the bike trailers...over a year. I just told him this a few minutes ago and he said don't worry he isn't going to do it. The therapist DID bring up safety concerns with the trampoline, I just left that out. I just feel anxious about what will be next, KWIM?

My mom had made me scared to ride a bike on the road...she never let me and told me horror stories. So he assumes I am going to do this with Violet. I am NOT! I know I will be scared for her to do certain things but I am going to try my hardest to not let them interfere with her living her life. HOWEVER, I do have safety concerns and I want her to do things at the age appropriate times when they are safer.

He is excited about doing things with her, and that's great and all. I just feel she is too young for some of these things. I get really upset and he thinks I am over-reacting but I need to protect my daughter!!!!


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

I have a question about the trampoline.

Is he wanting to hold her while he jumps up and down? If so... ask him if he's ever heard of shaken baby syndrome.

However, I can see how something gentle like sitting on the trampoline and kind of bobbing up and down while he holds her as being okay... would this type of trampoline use be something you could compromise on? Or do you think the idea of "if you give him an inch" would apply in this situation?


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I must say that for me neither of these activities would be immediate no's to me - but rather something to evaluate further. I put ds on a trampoline at 6 months, sitting & VERY gently bounced him, but no I wouldn't have bounced boisteriously. They do make baby holders for the bike trailers & for the small amount of biking we do on local streets I would certainly consider it.

BTW - I think it is great that you recognize that you do have tendencies to be overly cautious - at least it means you're evaluating whether something is actually dangerous or it's just your own view of it.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Sign him up for a parent-and-me baby gym class like My Gym or Gymboree. They'll have more age-appropriate activities but he'll feel like he's doing active stuff with the baby, which it sounds like is what he is going for here.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I think lolar's suggestion is great. It's wonderful he wants to do things - he's just rushing a bit.

For the bike trailer, there is a very $$ company, Chariot, that makes kids bike trailers with independent suspensions (to absorb the bumps, which is what is not safe for babies) and they have a baby "sling" that the baby straps into and it *may* be safer. (I have not used one, but now that I'm into biking I will be looking into it more closely.) Depending on your climate and when he would want to start it might be worth it.

I think the main thing is for you both to keep talking and it sounds like he listens, even if he's not gracious about it. Not to say to be fake or anything, but reinforcing the amazing things he does do right might help grease communication a bit too.


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## emilysmama (Jun 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 

For the bike trailer, there is a very $$ company, Chariot, that makes kids bike trailers with independent suspensions (to absorb the bumps, which is what is not safe for babies) and they have a baby "sling" that the baby straps into and it *may* be safer. (I have not used one, but now that I'm into biking I will be looking into it more closely.) Depending on your climate and when he would want to start it might be worth it.


Regarding the bike trailer, including the Chariot, I suggest that you post in the "Fitness and Weight Management" subforum (located in the Health and Healing forum) to find out. They are very active mothers, and yet they are safety conscious, so maybe you and your husband could use them as a sort of mediator with an opinion somewhere in between the two of you. (However, in regards to the bike trailer, however, they will side with you.)


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## dakotablue (Jun 21, 2009)

I second making an appointment with Ped ASAP. He won't hear it form you. He may from them.

It's great he wants to be involved and everything, but your are completely right, not YET.


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## Katie T (Nov 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Sign him up for a parent-and-me baby gym class like My Gym or Gymboree. They'll have more age-appropriate activities but he'll feel like he's doing active stuff with the baby, which it sounds like is what he is going for here.

This is a great idea!


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## galincognito (Nov 23, 2007)

GuildJenn said:


> For the bike trailer, there is a very $$ company, Chariot, that makes kids bike trailers with independent suspensions (to absorb the bumps, which is what is not safe for babies) and they have a baby "sling" that the baby straps into and it *may* be safer. (I have not used one, but now that I'm into biking I will be looking into it more closely.) Depending on your climate and when he would want to start it might be worth it.
> [\QUOTE]
> 
> we have this chariot (with suspension, etc) and even this one says no child under the age of one. the sling is not designed to allow for biking use, it is to be used in the stroller mode only. i have never seen or heard of a bike trailer or any bike seat that can safely accomodate a less than one year old (and we are a big biking family!)


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

Great suggestions. I too think that if you make some suggestions of things he can do, that may help him understand that you aren't being overcautious. Would he like a jogging stroller? Flying her around? Bouncing on an exercise ball with her?

But yeah, I would definitely stand my ground and not back down, but also would try to help him find ways to do fun things with her or at least assure him that in a few months/years, depending on the activity, he will definitely be able to do that with her!


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sri Radha* 
He is excited about doing things with her, and that's great and all. I just feel she is too young for some of these things. I get really upset and he thinks I am over-reacting but I need to protect my daughter!!!!

I think it's great that he's excited, but obviously they need age-appropriate activities to do. I think something like Gymboree or The Little Gym would be great, but where I live the classes start for babies closer to 6 or 8 months of age. How about looking up "developmental" milestones and trying to get him to work on those with her? Clapping, reaching, kicking, rolling, whatever the skill is for 4-5 month olds. How about a floor activity gym type thing that would be just for him and her? You know, the kind where they lay on it and reach/kick for things dangling above?

I'm sorry that you're in this position. It's really hard when you don't trust someone's judgement on this sort of issue.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *justKate* 
I think it's great that he's excited, but obviously they need age-appropriate activities to do. I think something like Gymboree or The Little Gym would be great, but where I live the classes start for babies closer to 6 or 8 months of age. How about looking up "developmental" milestones and trying to get him to work on those with her? Clapping, reaching, kicking, rolling, whatever the skill is for 4-5 month olds. How about a floor activity gym type thing that would be just for him and her? You know, the kind where they lay on it and reach/kick for things dangling above?

I'm sorry that you're in this position. It's really hard when you don't trust someone's judgement on this sort of issue.

FWIW, the Gymboree near where I used to live started at birth (for parents energetic enough to do that!), so it's still worth checking into.


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## P.J. (May 18, 2010)

I don't have much to add for advice, but just wanted to chime in and say I'm in the same position w/my hubby. He thinks I'm paranoid and limiting our baby's life, and I think he's reckless and endangering our baby at times. And for me it's about finding a middle ground. I try to keep watching myself and see where I am really letting fear rule my decisions, rather than common sense. And I also try to let go and trust him because, although there have been a few disagreements, it is only a few things (don't know if yours are a few things like you mention or more), none of which as far as I can see are life-threatening so far just "unsafe" (like riding a bike while baby is in Ergo, he hasn't done it but wants to in a few months...I made a thread in Babywearing and several people think it seems safe in certain kinds of paths/traffic). And if I think something is *really* truly dangerous, I will put my foot down.

Aaaaanyway, I would say just pick your battles here and if you feel your husband has an overall good sense of safety then just get on him for the really dangerous stuff, not for every little thing that "could" potentially be dangerous.


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## Sri Radha (Jun 24, 2007)

Thank you all. PJ it's nice to know someone else has the same issues. Things have been quiet here and nothing has come up recently. Unfortunately, we don't have a kid's gym or a Gymboree anywhere near here. Southern Vermont doesn't have anything to offer like that....I wish it did!!!!


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