# Correcting partner in front of child



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I've often read here that this is frowned upon. My dh and I are both learning how to parent. We have our main parenting discussions when Simon is sleeping -- this is when we delve more deeply into what we should be doing and why. But if either of us sees the other doing something that seems questionable or less than ideal, we usually mention it right away. Do you consider it wrong to mention disagreement with how your dh is doing something in front of your child? If so, why?

I'm not sure that wanting to maintain authority is that great of a rationale -- what is wrong with a parent making a mistake? What is wrong with the child knowing that the parents think about how to do things, that they sometimes have slight disagreements, that they have ideals they are trying to live up to, that they are trying to better each other, that if one parent isn't treating them with the full respect they deserve, the other parent will intervene and help out (parents are people too), &c. When I point out something I disagree with, it isn't like dh and I get into a fight or argument over it, or as though I mention it in a degrading way. In most cases it is because we've discussed a theory that we both accept and what he is doing falls short from what we've agreed is ideal. In these cases, the correcting parent has virtually always been correct and it often results in an immediate change of behaviour and an apology to Simon (depending on what it is). Similarly, I'll often suggestions if dh seems to be floundering. He does the same to me, though since I do way more parenting and research on parenting than he does, it is more like to be me offering suggestions to him.


----------



## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
Do you consider it wrong to mention disagreement with how your dh is doing something in front of your child? If so, why?


I don't think it is WRONG persay. But I do know that when I have done it or my dh has done it to me in front of the kids, we have both regretted it. Its not helpful for the kids to see and we've learned to talk in private about our concerns as such.


----------



## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i look at it from a totally different perspective than the authoritarion one. my daughter is much happier when dh and i are happy with each other. she doesnt like to see us disagree. i don't think it's healthy for kids to never see their parents disagree-it's a big part of how they learn healthy conflict resolution. but i also don't like my daughter to see us disagree in front of her about her. i imagine that, since kids tend to internalize everything and since they are so egotistical (i don't mean that in a bad way) i imagine that maybe she thinks it's because SHE's done something wrong. you know what i mean?

we do all our serious talking when she's asleep too, so if he does something that i don't like, we hash it over then.

if it's something i can mention to him quietly and out of her earshot, i do.

if he messed up big, say, hurt her feelings or did something really fundamentally wrong, i'd handle it in the moment. i'd choose my words carefully, though.

what's that quote...about how the generals shouldnt fight with each other in front of troops..that it's bad for morale...

that's kind of where i'm coming from.


----------



## peaceful herbivore (Mar 17, 2005)

Quote:

Do you consider it wrong to mention disagreement with how your dh is doing something in front of your child?
Like most things, I believe it is condusive (sp?) to the situation and it is all in the delivery. I think children need to have an advocate and a voice--so while I would think it not the best or healthiest thing if you approached it like:

"I can't BELIEVE YOU GAVE HER THAT CANDY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!"

I don't see much wrong with getting down to the child's level and saying something like:

"It made me feel frustrated that Daddy gave you candy. Daddy didn't know that you already had 2 pieces of candy today." or just saying that to your partner--Using *you* instead of calling him Daddy of course :LOL

Okay, that is such a crap example, but I think you get my drift. I don't think there are many things where there is a definate RIGHT or WRONG thing to do---except things like spanking









In a perfect world you would discuss things in private always, but we all know this is not a perfect world and if you must discuss something in front of your child I feel it should be done calmly and reasonably with normal tones of voice etc...


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Just want to clarify -- when dh or I correct each other in these circumstances, we do it in our normal voices. It isn't a fight, by any means, or even an argument.

Why wouldn't it be helpful for the child to see/hear this? Alternatively, why would it be harmful? I'm still not seeing any reason to find this harmful.

One example: When Simon isn't doing as dh would like, he often says "Siiiiimon. Siiiiiiimon." When this happens I might interject something along the lines of: "It isn't a good idea to associate his name with negativity." This is just a reminder of what we've already agreed on. Dh's response would typically be, "Right. Oops." Another example: Simon does something I don't like and the way in which I respond doesn't sound very respectful. Dh says to me: "I wouldn't want to be talked to in that way." I think about it and apologize to Simon and give him a hug or a kiss.

For those who think this is out of line -- what if your child criticized something you had done? Is s/he out of line to do something like this? I want Simon to know that it's o.k. for him to point out any (perceived) injustices that he feels, however slight. I'm sure that when the time comes, he'll often be right and we can set things straight this way.

Another advantage I see to sometimes discussing these issues in front of the child is that it is not always the child who is being corrected. The child can watch her/his mother or father receive gentle-worded criticism and learn from how s/he responds to it and sets things straight.

I'm still interested to hear more about why others think this is wrong.


----------



## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

It sounds like the way you are doing it is great. I think frequently the problem is when someone is angry and not going to be receptive to changes, or embarrassed to be corrected and therefore not going to be receptive either. What you and dh are doing is keeping each other on track. You aren't actually disagreeing. The problem would be if you were disagreeing, both believing your individual way to be the best way and doing things differently from each other so that ds ends up being confused as to what the rules are and everyone is angry. The reason to not correct your spouse in front of your child, IMO, is to provide an opportunity to make decisions when everyone is calm. I think you are provided a great example to your ds.


----------



## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I do think it's wrong to correct your partner in front of your child. However, having a partner who is a stepparent to my older child I totally understand how this may sometimes be necessary. Maybe you could come up with a codeword or signal that your child would not understand that would let the other parent know they need to take a step back. Once the other person stops, you can go in another room or wait until later to discuss the issue.


----------



## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Well DH and I both have temper problems and occasionally will yell or say something nasty or threaten to spank or do too harsh of a discipline. If this happens we have no problems with saying right in front of the kids "Elijah (or Olivia) Daddy should NOT have said/done that to you. Daddy please apologize." I want my kids to know we are sticking up for them. I am not going to let them for a second to think that I agree when DH goes way over the line and I don't want them to think he supports me when I do the same.


----------



## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Well, we've had major issues about GD, and DH has some temper issues, so I've had many instances of correcting him in front of the children ... shouting, etc.









That said ... when I have my brains screwed in right, I can usually remember to call out his name and tell him to come with me into the other room NOW ... and when his brains are screwed in right, he'll actually respond and come with me and we can at least shout about it behind a door.









That said ... the ideal, of course, IMO would be some sort of hand signal to indicate disapproval with DH's behavior and to "bookmark" the incident for further discussion when the children are not around/are asleep.

Ideals are a fine thing.

Sigh.


----------



## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

In situations such as those described, my dh and I say "It's all about respect." This is our reminder to each other that everyone deserves to be treated respectfully, including ds.


----------



## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

According to what I have read, the problem with correcting your partner about how they are treating someone else in front of that someone else, your children in this situation, is that it undermines their respectibility. The child sees one parent as the "boss" of the other, or smarter or meaner or whatever. IMO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with correcting the way your partner is treating _you_ in front of your children. This will teach your children that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and has the right and responsibility to stand up for that respect. I also don't see anything wrong with having arguments with your partner in front of your children as long as they don't get out of hand and they are not about the children and the children also see the resolution of the argument. This will teach your children that conflict is part of a healthy, loving relationship.

Another thing you could do if you must say something to your partner in front of your children about how they are treating your children is to make your statement about how your partner is feeling rather than how he or she is treating the children. "Honey, you seem to be getting too worked up about this right now. Why don't you take a break?" Unless it is something that needs to be addressed with the child immediately, let everyone take a break and then have the parent who was originally handling the situation come back to it and try again rather than having the other parent step in and take over. I think it's not a good thing for one parent to tell the children that the other parent did something wrong and shouldn't have treated the children in such a way. The offender as it were should be the one to go to the child and tell the child they did the wrong thing and apologize.


----------



## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

When I do "correct" my dh in front of my ds, I try say things like "daddy feels this way because of such and such, and the boy wants to do this because of that" because much of the problem is dh not understanding where ds is coming from. Dh has a temper and they both need to know that I will protect ds from it. When ds wants to play with dh, dh has trouble pulling himself away from what he is doing (in other words he says "not right now") and ds would rather have "bad" attention than no attention so will start misbehaving. Ds has discovered that if I ask daddy to do something, he usually will whereas if ds asks, the answer is much less certain. I tell dh that if he doesn't like these dynamics, he needs to say yes a lot more. On one level, ds thinks I can get daddy to do things, but I don't think he thinks I'm the boss either. I treat everyone with respect which is the most important thing.

Correcting dh out of earshot of ds actually was never an option for me because ds would never tolerate being alone in a room until recently (he's 3 1/2). He is a light sleeper who needs to be in physical contact with me to stay asleep as well.


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Hmmm. I do not talk with Simon about elements of dh's behaviour that I don't approve of. I can only think of extreme circumstances in which this would make sense (e.g., dh was blatantly miserable with Simon and then stormed off leaving him confused and scared). I address my concerns to dh. Simon is not very verbal yet, but I don't think I'll feel comfortable telling ds that "Daddy was wrong about that..." That seems a bit out of line to me because it completely overrides dh. What I do is mention my concern directly to dh. Simon cannot do this for himself. Dh is no less respectable because he makes occasional errors; neither am I. We are not being mean when we offer up gentle criticisms/reminders to stay on track, we are being helpful. At least this is how I see it.

I also don't tell dh what to do. If I say "That doesn't seem very respectable to me" it is up to him to decide what to do with that information. If he is going to apologize, it is his decision to do so.


----------



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

I think that if it works for both of you, and you both gently correct *each other*, in other words it is not always one of you doing the correcting, then it's probably OK. Different things work for different families. But you may find that what works changes as your kids get older.

I have to agree that it can undermine your roles as parents, and lead to unnecessary stress for the kids. I think it's perfectly OK, and healthy even, to have occasional minor disagreements in front of them, as long as they aren't *about* them. The kids don't need to feel like they are causing tension between their parents, in any way or to any degree. This is not to say you shouldn't step in if you see your partner doing something truly hurtful or dangerous, but I wouldn't for the little things, I'd try to talk about it later.

One thing that has been hard for me is to accept that DH and I don't have to be identical parenting twins, he can do things different from me and that's OK. Just because I wouldn't have done it that way doesn't mean it was the wrong way to do it. I think kids benefit from variety. Also, it helps each of us to build confidence as parents, to know that we can handle things on our own without having to be "coached" by the other one, we can come up with our own creative solutions to things without having to refer to a script. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you guys are doing. But I feel like as long as we are on the same page philosophically and about the major issues, then we can each have our own individual ways of doing things.


----------



## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Just sounds to me that you're coaching each other to keep your practice in line with your ideals. That sounds nice to me.


----------



## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

The thing that no one has brought up here is that if you get into the habit of correcting your partner in front of your children, you child may lose some respect for that parent. And to go along with this, when you fail to provide a united front, it can create the impression that mommy & daddy can be played off of each other. At least, that's what's happened in my house. The older children get, the more they will attempt to break the united front, IME.

Quote:

I don't see much wrong with getting down to the child's level and saying something like:

"It made me feel frustrated that Daddy gave you candy. Daddy didn't know that you already had 2 pieces of candy today." or just saying that to your partner--Using *you* instead of calling him Daddy of course
I DO see a problem with this, because it drags the child into a disagreement. Although you may not agree with the decision that your DP made, this sort of comment would only serve to make the child feel like it was his/her fault that mommy & daddy are fighting. By all means, take up the issue with your DP, but leave your DC out of it!


----------



## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

Quote:

when you fail to provide a united front, it can create the impression that mommy & daddy can be played off of each other.
With respect- Eww. I hate the expression "unified front." It makes it sound like you're at war, with mommy and daddy on one side, kids on the other. Even if you don't stick together on every little issue, kids will soon lose the impression that mommy & daddy can be played off of each other if you make sure that's not true. There's a difference between this and having disagreements, which IMO can be healthy for kids to see to a certain extent. If you disagree on everything, the kids may start to feel insecure about your parenting abilities, but the occasional disagreement can be a great learning experience provided everyone stays calm and the kids see some resolution.


----------



## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I've been thinking about this and, as famousmockngbrd, if it works for you and is done in a respectful manner and is mutual so that there isn't one person that seems to be in charge, so to speak, then it's probably okay. I think the problem comes when you have a situation where it appears one parent has to approve all the decisions of the other parent without working the other way as well. I thinks famousmockngbrd also mentioned different people having different parenting styles, which is not necessarily a bad thing. There is almost always going to be one parent that is more strict than the other. In our household it is my dh. He likes to have things in order all the time. I am a major scatterbrain so I don't even remember what's going on half the time. I've just told my dh that if it's something that is so important to him that he thinks it must be done, he has to be the one to make sure it is done. Sometimes I will back him up even though I don't necessarily see the big deal because I know it's important to him. I think I'm going way off on a tangent.


----------

