# One day at a time******March******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hey mommas...I've been mia. I've just been trying to process the last year. It's been a lot for me to handle lately. We've gotten the results from our dna/chromosome work up and as suspected...all is normal, nothing wrong with dh and my compatablities. I have no idea what we are going to do next. I KNOW something is wrong with me. You JUST don't have two second trimester losses with nothing being wrong. But all of the testing indicates that I'm fine. The pathology reports and tests have come up with zero answers also. I don't want to give up ttc, but I feel that I need to find out what's going on. I don't know where else to look or who to ask for help either? I'm at a total loss.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Oh Heather...I couldn't read without giving you a HUGE







.

I know the feeling.

I don't know what to do either....I can just _feel_ that other little one in my arms, but with my last cycle, I thought that I was pg and when I started to spot, I thought I was m/c AGAIN and felt myself spiraling downward.

Fortunately, I just had a *really* late period (as I got a blood test done yesterday and it showed that I wasn't pregnant) and was relieved that I was having my period and not m/c.

I understand trying to process it all....it just seems so surreal that I don't thing that I will EVER be able to full comprehend the magnitude of loss.

.
.
.
.
.

As for me, well....I have been grieving *HEAVILY* and really haven't felt much like talking about it because I was suicidal all of January and was taking all of my energies just to stay alive.

I got the embryopathology report back from our last loss in December and as I felt in my heart, she was a little girl.
The main determination was "scant chorinic villi", meaning that there wasn't enough villi to supply blood to the baby.

But even if I was on the heparin, due to blood clotting issues, this little girl still wouldn't have survived as she had a rare chromosonal disorder called Monosomy 21.

The report brought relief and sadness. Relief that there wasn't anything that I could have done differently and sadness that there was an abnormality.

I ordered the book, Coming to Term and am starting the painful, but informative read.

I continue to trudge on "One Day at a Time"...


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Mamaterra & Heather









I'm really just going with the flow right now. I seem to have a constant state of sadness even when I seem happy.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Rosemary and Heather - so good to hear from you both. Big ((HUGS)) to you both. I understand what your going through. I am always here to read even if I don't know what to say or how to help

Rosemary - is "scant chorinic villi" a recurrent issue?

Heather - I know you are so frustrated, I would be too. I was thinking the other day about how many mommas I know that want a third living child but are just being denied....too many

GratefulBambina - I've been thinking about you lately, I know you are surviving. I'm still sad all of the time too. I think it takes are really long time to feel some happiness. I'm still not there yet.

15 weeks today....

I have had several episodes of my arms feeling so heavy like I'm holding a baby. I read that this could be an issue with mom's of still born babies. I was happy not to have that problem. But, the past two weeks as I have been relaxing and trying to go to sleep at night, they get very heavy and I have difficulty moving them. At first I was angry but recently I've decided to think about it in the context that when my arms are heavy like that, Norah is visiting me. So, I'm not going to stop it anymore.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Mamas for your losses. I am touched and saddened by each of your stories and I wish you all comfort and healing.

Thank you for starting this thread. I'm not sure I belong here but I don't belong in TTC right now. We lost our little girl, Reese, at 14 weeks (we knew she was a girl and was chromosomally normal due to CVS at 11 weeks) and I feel sad and empty.

It is all compounded by the fact that Reese was unplanned and DH was wanting to stop at 3 children. Now that she is gone, I don't know if I can convince him to try again. It makes me so sad to think that Reese is gone and we may never have another. I feel desperate to be pregnant again and yet I know that I can't do it without DH onboard (duh). So I feel desperate and frustrated in addition to empty and sad.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that my water broke. It was almost like I could feel the water gushing out of me. I didn't have a preggo belly, so it was definitely a miscarriage dream.









I can't help but feel empty. I still hate looking at my belly and realizing nothing is there. Also, the lactation has left my boobs smaller.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am just so sad today. I have to work this AM I wish I could just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head!
I would be 36 weeks 2 days with Avery today. It would have been 3 weeks until delivery or is she was anything like her brother Nate I would be holding her next week!
I cannot stand the sadness or the pain in my heart today. I am thankful for this place to vent my deepest feelings. Thank you!








to all who need one.

D-I hope you got through the weekend ok. I wish I lived near some of you so we could get together and have some girl time. Only 9 more days of the 2WW! Hurray!!!!







s and







!

Welcome to anyone new! Hope that you find find comfort and peace here.

Rosemary-Sorry about AF but happy that you did not have another m/c. Sending lots of hugs to you!

Take care!
Jen


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

to everyone here.
I'm just trying to stay in the loop, so I don't go bananas. I have posted a couple times in the hope, healing, etc forum but since I'm still spotting and I haven't even gotten my ppaf yet I really don't have too much to chat about.
It's interesting how the grief works. Some days I can be super composed, able to share the entire birth story with anyone who asks, and other days I can't even make eye contact without crying. At least I can keep it together more often than not.
I hate that I have to deal with the "baby weight" now but without the baby. I am going to return to the gym hopefully this week, that may make me feel a little better, at least more normal. I had only put on about 10 pounds by the time I was 20 weeks but since eating has become my comfort of choice lately I gave gained even more. I refuse to feel guilty about that though, we all need "comfort" somehow.
I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm actually in a decent mood today. The list of to do's is quite long, isn't it always?


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eliseatthebeach* 
:...
It's interesting how the grief works. Some days I can be super composed, able to share the entire birth story with anyone who asks, and other days I can't even make eye contact without crying. At least I can keep it together more often than not.
....

This is me exactly. I feel so unpredictable and volatile. Some days I keep it together completely and can talk about Reese without even tearing up. Other times I am a complete and total mess.

I took DS to a birthday party yesterday afternoon and could barely stop crying. During the party! Now I feel like all the other parents must think I am unstable. Which I guess I am.

Anyway, this is a sad club to belong to but I'm glad we are here to help each other navigate this pain.


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## juneau (May 20, 2005)

Hi everyone, and a special hello to *Peacelovingmama*. I should say right off the bat that I _am_ TTC right now, but I am 44 so I feel like the odds that I will conceive again are so minimal that I don't fit in on the TTC after a loss board (too many positives). I post on the 40+ and TTC but not many there have had losses like I have. I am grateful for this thread.

I have one living dc, who turned three a week ago. When she was 13 months old, in 2006, I conceived again -- a surprise since it took five years of TTC to conceive her. I was 42 at the time and concerned about chromosomal abnormalities so I had a CVS done. I got the results that my son was normal and then less than a week later ended up in the hospital (at 14 weeks) with a uterine infection that cost my son's life and nearly my own. I named him Daniel and we had a very beautiful service and burial for him.

All I wanted was to be pregnant again and I TTC for an entire year before I got a + on the anniversary of my son's death. I was thrilled, but so terrified of a miscarriage. My worst fears were realized when I miscarried three weeks later. I had a relatively untraumatic miscarriage, then DTD about three weeks later and conceived -- but that turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy that threatened my life again, and did end up costing me a tube. That happened last August. It took me about three months to physically recover but neither of the recent losses was anywhere near as emotionally devastating as the first one.

Some people I'm sure would think I was nuts if I told them I was still TTC. *Peacelovingmama*, I'd like to hear more of your story.

*Namastemom*, my heart breaks to hear your story of Norah. What a lovely name.

*Eliseatthebeach*, I hear you about the baby weight. I lost weight after I lost Daniel, probably because I was so depressed, but put on weight with each of my two pregnancies this summer, even though they were each only a few weeks long. I am going to the gym but I still have a tummy.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Your posts made me think of a poem I first read years ago that I just found again:

Grief is a quiet thing
Deadly in repose.
A raging horror, a thunder of abuse.

Raucous -
Demanding -
Incomprehensible -
Tearing all that one has ever loved.

Hopeless,
Forlorn,
Fear-ridden and misunderstood;
Ceasing a moment, and through the years,
Returning...to destroy.

To rage
To curse all that is happy -
Or contented,
Or trusting.

To threaten every beauty that is true.

Grief?
It's a quiet thing.

- Melba Colgrove, from How to Survive the Loss of a Love

Peacelovingmama, I think unstable is a normal condition, considering.

Eliseatthebeach, food is my comfort too. I just wish I found carrots comforting.

Momoftworedheads,







. I am sorry you are hurting so much today.









Honeybunch, I am sorry about your dream. That sounds horrible.

Gratefulbambina,









Namastemom, I think Norah is visiting you. I am sure she is trying to comfort you and tell you how much she loves you.

Mamaterra, I am sorry you had a late af and a miscarraige scare. But glad, at least, that it was _just_ a late af.

Heather, I wish I had some advice. I don't know where you would go next, but I do hope you find some answers and some peace.

Juneau, I don't think you are nuts at all for still ttc. I probably would too. I am sorry to hear about your losses, but hope you do have a "win" soon.

Me - The herbs seem to be helping, which is nice. I actually felt peaceful last night. I did decide I want another baby. Dh said that would be fine with him. Not sure how that will happen, but it is nice to have clarity about something for a change. I am still sad a lot, though, and from time to time it just hits hard that I will never ever see my sweet baby's face or hold her in my arms, and then I am crying again. I guess that will get easier in time.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I've decided to think about it in the context that when my arms are heavy like that, Norah is visiting me. So, I'm not going to stop it anymore.

What a lovely thought, and a heavenly feeling...


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dena* 

Honeybunch, I am sorry about your dream. That sounds horrible.

.

It was, but thanks. I'm actually glad I had that dream. It only shook me up for a bit then I was back to Baby Fever. It made me realize how much I want a baby. I must be pretty determined to have a baby if I'm willing to face that...again...








to everyone.

ETA: I thought I was doing better, but I don't know. It kinda seems like it's getting pushed to my unconscious,and it's making me act weird. I feel so clumsy, I'm starting to slur words, not to mention weird pains and sad dreams.

I admit I've been medicating myself with cereal bars. I go thru a box a day which is quite expensive, but it makes me feel better.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eliseatthebeach* 
It's interesting how the grief works. Some days I can be super composed, able to share the entire birth story with anyone who asks, and other days I can't even make eye contact without crying. At least I can keep it together more often than not.

Oh, sheesh. This is me, too. I delivered the babe into my hand a month ago today. I have good days - I really do! But those bad days are just the pits.

DH and I went to dinner the other night and were chatting about his work. He suggests (out of the blue!) that we have the baby blessed by a family friend (the priest who married us) before he's cremated. I became a puddle and nearly choked on the food in my mouth. I don't want anyone else involved. I don't want anyone to be able to touch that tender moment in my life. I don't care how close this person is to God... God took my baby, and I'll be damned if He's going to get any closer to me any time soon.

** I think I'm just in a rough patch - please don't mind me.







Feels pretty good, though! **

I keep finding myself wandering into the DDCs or the I'm Pregnant forum...you know, just to abuse myself.







I normally _love_ to hear about pregnancy. It's one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. But if I hear one more woman complain because she has a foot in her rib, or is constantly exhausted, or is up 4 times a night to pee, I'm going to pull my hair out and mail it to her. Don't get me wrong...I've been on the whining end, plenty. Don't they see how lucky they are?!?!?! Does anyone know what I would do to feel a foot in my ribcage?!?!?! I would so happily go through 5 more weeks of morning sickness right now! I don't care about the spelling of the name you've chosen for the baby that keeps you up at night...I don't care which prenatal vitamin is keeping your baby and yourself healthy, strong, and ALIVE...I don't want to hear about how you can't get your pants zipped up over your growing belly...I don't want to hear about nipple soreness as you nurse your toddler on your shrinking lap!!!!!!!! I would do anything in the world RIGHT NOW to be feeling all of that AND take my neighbor's pain, too, if I woke up tomorrow morning and found that this was all a dream...

I really didn't know all of this was inside of me. I don't know where it's coming from.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Mamabear I think we all know where your coming from. I feel it to and have many days I want to scream that out. I know Im not seriously mad at that person, because if I was in there position I would be doing the same thing and maybe someone has said your thread about something I have written about. Especially since I whined alot during pregnancy.

When I walk around in public and see a pregnant woman I have a almost hatred that comes over me now that I have NEVER felt before. I feel a tiny bit of guilt for it, but not much. Don't beat yourself up, you are not the only one that has and is feeling that same thread.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Lets talk sex for a bit. How are you guys doing with it? Are you able to do so? How do you emotionally feel about it? How was your first time after your loss?


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

OH have been having sex since about 2 weeks after my miscarriage. It has been more intense, partially b/c I feel closer to him. I've been pressuring him for sex a lot lately, but he seems to like it. Our first session after the loss was more intense, at least for me.

I do have one complaint. This time around it's even more of a challenge to get him to wear a condom. I think he wants to impregnate me! We were at it today, and I suggested he wear one. Then I told him he was going to knock me up again, and he was like, "Why not?"

I wouldn't mind being pregnant again, just not now. I was hoping to wait until after my due date (not saying I wouldnt be happy to be preggo now) b/c i think miscarrying on or around that date would be too emotionally challenging for me.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Mamabearto4- I hope that felt good to get out. And say it again here as many times as you feel like you want to write it out. And I have to say that I've felt ALL of those feelings many, many times. It almost seemed like *I* was writing those words. And yes, most pregnant moms do NOT know how lucky they are, and what a miracle their babies are. I know I didn't before my first loss. And that weighs heavily on my mind too. Our new neighbor's wife hasn't moved in with him yet because she is in Egypt teaching or something....and she's 6 months pregnant. I am so beside myself with worry....and I don't even know her. But this is her first baby, and she is oblivious to what could happen. She is naive and not worried at all I'm sure. But WE KNOW. We know that things can happen at any time...not just in the first three months either. We have lost our innocence. We know....and I wish we all didn't have to know.

Junneau- I want to have another baby too....and people just don't understand...it's one of the biggest things I am struggling with right now. I know I can do it. I know I can go through another loss, as crazy as that sounds. But the people around me? They can't and they can't fathom me going through all day sickness for the entire pregnancy again. They can't see how I can wear maternity clothes again, just to maybe put them away again without having a baby. They can't understand how I can go through half of a pregnancy (I've had two second trimester losses)only to have it end in tears. They can't understand how I can have another stressed and worrisome filled pregnancy again. What they don't understand is that living with the "what ifs" and the regrets that go with that are possibly more terrible than another loss. But it helps to know that YOU understand that....thank you.

Eliseatthebeach- I refuse to feel guilty about the weight gain. And I *am* doing something about it so that feels good too. But the reality is that I was basically pregnant for the whole year last year. And while I have a nursing toddler ( just turned 3 a few weeks ago...how did THAT happen???lol) I didn't have a nursing infant to nurse off the pounds. And well, the grief....eating a bag of potato chips made me feel better...so there.

Namastemom- As always, I think of you....I'll never forget the day you lost Norah....I was still pregnant and all of us on the PAL thread were just distraught. I think of you often and I think that Norah IS visiting you and letting her momma hold her. HUGS!

Jen- I will continue to think of you as you approach Avery's due date. It was rough for me to get to Mason's due date last June...but I made it. Have you thought of doing something special to commemorate the date? Maybe plant a tree in Avery's memory or a rose bush?

honeybunch2k8- HUGS....the dreams can sometimes be the worst....and then you wonder for a second that perhaps that THIS is just a bad dream, but you realize quickly that it isn't. HUGS!

Gratefulbambinamomma and peacelovingmomma- HUGS and know that you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, we've all been there.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Oh *Juneau*, your story breaks my heart and hits close to home. I am so sorry that you lost Daniel.







I don't think for a second that you are nuts for ttc again even after several losses. Maybe I am just nuts too but to me, longing for a baby seems a perfectly understandable reaction to losing a baby (ies). I know you have been through a lot but I think it can still happen for you -- I really do.

As for Reese, my pregnancy was progressing beautifully and normally. I felt good and early u/s showed a strong heartbeat and normal growth. At just before 11 weeks, we had a CVS. The u/s showed that Reese was measuring several days ahead, had a strong heartbeat and appeared healthy in every respect.

After 7 days, we received our results -- chromosomally normal little girl! I was so thrilled and ran around crowing to anyone who would listen that "I have 3 daughters!" I fantasized a lot about my little girl and loved thinking about names, what she might be like, etc.

When I went in for my 14.5-week app't, I was euphoric. I told the receptionist and nurses that I "felt like I'd won the lottery -- another little girl!" During the app't, the OB asked questions and we discussed scheduling a level II u/s. I was about to leave when he said, "why don't we listen to her heartbeat?" When he couldn't find it with the doppler, I wasn't worried.

I was about to leave but we decided to have a quick u/s just to see her heart. I had my girls (ages 3 and 10 months with me) and I told them that their little sister was about to appear on the screen. When I looked, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong. She wasn't moving, I saw no h/b, and she looked smaller and curled up.

It was such a shock and hit me like a ton of bricks. I still have trouble believing that she is gone. And of course I re-play that darned CVS over and over and over. Did it kill her? Would she have died anyhow? I'll never know and it does torture me.

And, like you, I want very much to ttc again. DH is undecided and it is driving me nuts. I ache for Reese and I can't imagine not having another baby.







I am 38 so I probably have some time but I still feel desperate and obsessed. It really doesn't help that DH hasn't agreed to try again. Anyhow, that is our story.

Oh, and *Mamabear* -- I also torture myself by visiting the pregnancy and DDC forums. I want the others to have healthy babes but it also hurts to follow their progress and think about where I should be with Reese.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Peacemama-* maybe giving DH some time will help. I know the feeling of wanting to be pg again immediately but for me, the urge weakened with time. See post to Juneau on forgiving yourself.

*HB2k8* - I hate my post-pg body: boobs and belly, I'm disgusted....because it reminds me of what I lost. Have you decided to look into grief counseling?
*
Jen* - I definitely can sympathize with being sad. I'm so sorry that Avery is gone. I just let the pain come and don't try to distract myself, I think it is healing. You are releasing the pain, sadness, and anger. You have a right to feel all emotions. (((HUGS)))

*Elise* - a few of us post in both forums but I reserve my sadness and pain for this one. I like to express it where I know I'm not going to be a downer. See my post to HB2k8 - hate the baby weight.

*juneau* - I'm sorry for all the pain you have experienced/are experiencing. I hope you do not think your decision to have the CVS caused Daniel's death. We all make the best decisions that we know how to, there are always regrets no matter how its handled. I hope you have forgiven yourself.

*Dena* - that poem is accurate, I am glad the herbs are helping and that you all have come to a decision about ttc

*Mamabear* - stay away from the DDC's, nothing good can come out of lurking in there. I used to fantasize that it was all a dream.....

*gratefulbambina* (((HUGS))) I really needed to connect with DH after Norah's death. I know I'm in the minority but we dtd after 2 weeks. He wasn't pressuring me, I needed him. The first time was very sad but because I needed the emotional support, I really was glad we did. I didn't tear with Norah, her birth was so freakin' easy (that makes me angry also) so infection was not an issue.

*Heather* - I know this will be difficult but do you think you could not worry about your neighbor or any pg people right now. Your grief is so fresh and new that I think you need all of your energy for yourself to help you heal. I know that I have a very difficult time finding the energy to worry about sick family (my mom, FIL). I can't do it and on level I feel horrible about that but on another level I know my energy and thoughts are being consumed by the process of healing from Norah's death. Thank you for thinking of Norah and I. It is a comfort that people remember her story.

*Me* - I'm so weepy today. I read your posts this morning and was touched very deeply. I may never get any work done today.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
[
*HB2k8* - I hate my post-pg body: boobs and belly, I'm disgusted....because it reminds me of what I lost. Have you decided to look into grief counseling?
*

.
*
*
*
*
I've thought about it. I think I should talk to someone IRL, not that MDC isn't great.

My grades are slipping, and sometimes I come close to crying in class. I'm starting not to care so much about school. Sometimes I just want to run away from everything. I'm still in the child development class. My teacher had a baby too long ago and a 3 year old, and she always talks about them.

Why does it seem like today just about everyone has a baby??? Now I remmeber why I like to stay in my house and in bed so much.*


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I just need to take a second and do a me post....I just had about a 10 minute breakdown in my office. I could feel it coming all morning.

This morning, I picked up some photographs that I sent to a NILMDTS photographer to modify. I enjoyed looking at them but it makes me miss Norah so much.

Then, I went to a consignment sale. Last fall when it went I was about 35 weeks pg with Norah and buying baby clothes. I felt so empty and saw people that have not seen me sinced Norah died. I zoomed in and picked up some clothes for Hannah and Eli. But, it hurt. I should be buying 3-9 months summer clothes for Norah.

Now, at work, I read my email. There is an note from an internet friend that basically abandoned me when Norah died. Blah Blah Blah...so sorry for not writing, etc. etc. and then a note from a former student whom I having seen since Sept. or Oct. She wanted to me with me to discuss her future, which is fine that is what I do, help students figure out what they want to do with their lives. Then she wrote, "I truly hope life is beautiful for you right now and everything is flowing smoothly" This is what made me break down. Life is not beautiful for me right now, I'm just existing one day at a time. When she comes in to talk I am going to have to tell her about Norah. This student always touched my belly and was practically the only one but Jeff whom I let do that.

I am just having a really horrible day. I feel like I am PMSing and on top of that have all the emotions of dealing with Norah's death. Here is one of the pictuers I got back today

I miss her desperately...


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
a note from a former student whom I having seen since Sept. or Oct. She wanted to me with me to discuss her future, which is fine that is what I do, help students figure out what they want to do with their lives. Then she wrote, "I truly hope life is beautiful for you right now and everything is flowing smoothly" This is what made me break down. Life is not beautiful for me right now, I'm just existing one day at a time. When she comes in to talk I am going to have to tell her about Norah. This student always touched my belly and was practically the only one but Jeff whom I let do that.

Namaste, there is a reason that her message came now, that she needs to see you now. You need to see her, too. Look forward to that visit - I believe that Norah is sending her to you because you need her so badly. Enjoy it. You are a source of strength and encouragement to many...fall into the arms of another, dear.

Thank you for posting the picture of your sweet girl. She is just lovely. I know you miss her. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the torture that you've endured. Whenever I think of you, I'm grateful of my own situation. No mother should ever have to suffer the way you have.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I think Mamabear is right, Norah is sending that student to you.

She is so beautiful :x

I wish we were closer and could hold each other & cry. I really really wish this.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Namastemom, I am so sorry. I hope the visit with your student is healing.

Norah is beautiful.


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## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)

I think I belong here. April 4th will be the one year anniversary of the birth of our second little boy at 20 weeks. This is how I feel today.

Quote:

Grief and anger- of course, but guilt as well. Guilt for not carrying the baby we knew would die to term, for not naming him, being scared to hold him after he was born, for barely being able to talk about him even with my husband, for being ashamed, for trying to move on. Everything. I am literally sitting here sobbing.
I have read all of your posts and I truly understand where you are all at. The way I try to look at it is that whatever we are feeling and however we are acting is OKAY. There is no rule as to how you grieve so whatever we need to do to get through the days and be okay with life is just fine. (Believe me I do not always take my own advice but I do try to remind myself this often.)


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Norah is very beautiful.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Namaste. Norah is beautiful. Your post has me in tears for you. I am really just speechless... I never saw Reese and I wish I had but I imagine that the pain of seeing your beautiful child, born full term, is nearly unbearable. I am wishing peace and healing for you.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

D- Noone should have to endure what you have. Norah is so beautiful. She did send you the student who needs you. I hope you can find some peace in the coming days. I am praying that this is YOUR month to conceive again. Please know that I am holding you in prayer and thought daily.

Parker's mom- I am not sure what we will do for Avery's DD yet. I do not garden at home because our boys play on our front lawn. The like to dig and play so no plants for me. I think I just want to be alone, cry and play some good music that day. I am a musical person so that may help. To commemorate the day- not sure yet.

My mom and dad had a tree planted for Avery in a public place in our state. It is an interesting gift. My DH is not happy about it, he feels they should have asked first and done it right after she passed not now.

hugs to everyone here. I know it is a touch place to be.
My sister sent me a meditation tonight from this site. It was really good.
http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/

Please take care and









love and grace,
Jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

First - I want to thank you for all of your support, I don't normally have hugely horrible days like yesterday. It has spilled over to today also but I'm coping with it better today.

Second - I also want you all to know that even though my baby died full term I acknowledge the loss of your baby also. I'm not saying that losing a full term baby is the same as a m/c (cause I've had one of those too and know intimately how it feels) but just that you all are a source of support for me so I don't feel so alone in the world. Your feelings are very well justified and I want to make sure that I never minimize them.

THird - I can't really think of a third but for some reason needed to write the world. Oh, thanks for all the compliments on Norah. I don't think I've ever posted a picture of her before. For some reason I was moved to do so yesterday.

MamaBear - My appointment is made with my student. She will come and I will have to face telling her.

gratefulbambina - I wished we lived closer also

Jen - this is not my month









tommom - welcome


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Hi, everyone. Just lurking here today.
Although my life is very much still one day at a time,
I haven't posted on this thread.

*D.* - I saw your post with link to Norah's photo and
just wanted to say - what a beautiful, sweet little face!
Thank you for sharing her picture.

Hugs to all.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Big hugs all around....

Mammaterra-It's good to hear from you.









Namaste_mom.There is SOMETHING SO tangible about you and Norah to me.I can't place it.I am honored that you would share Norah's picture with us.Thankyou.She is so perfect!She has that perfection of beautiful art.It just makes tears come.Then more tears and sobs for knowing of her story,and your story, and your relationship...She is so much like you-she really knows how to care for people,such a trait I see in you.Would you hug her for me, next time she comes to you to be held?Maybe twice, and she could transfer one to Elvie?I know, it's so much for me to ask.I'm sorry if I offend...This has struck such a chord with me, I'll have to continue my post later...


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

KindRedSpirit - I would have posted last night to you but I couldn't finish reading your message. I kept crying. Thank you for saying those kind words. I don't know if Norah was anything like I am. She was pretty relaxed in the womb and only kicked me when I really made her uncomfortable. I have a feeling that she would have been the quiet, intuitive type. If so, she is in the angel world supporting the other angels and maybe Elvie is among her angel friends. When Norah visits again, I will try to ask. It is a tricky business to reach a loved one in the angel realm. I'm not really thinking coherently when it happens because I'm in a half-dream state, maybe just not conscious enough to allow her through.

Em - thanks for coming by, I think of you often.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

D. - Norah is beautiful...I love her tiny little chin and her sweet button nose. She looks like she is fair as her eyebrows seem to be barely noticable.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Namaste_mom- Thank you for sharing the beautiful picture of your sweet Norah. Your love for her is so human and raw. My heart breaks for you. I truly hope her pictures and memory help you heal.







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tommom* 
I think I belong here. April 4th will be the one year anniversary of the birth of our second little boy at 20 weeks. This is how I feel today.
Grief and anger- of course, but guilt as well. Guilt for not carrying the baby we knew would die to term, for not naming him, being scared to hold him after he was born, for barely being able to talk about him even with my husband, for being ashamed, for trying to move on. Everything. I am literally sitting here sobbing.
I have read all of your posts and I truly understand where you are all at. The way I try to look at it is that whatever we are feeling and however we are acting is OKAY. There is no rule as to how you grieve so whatever we need to do to get through the days and be okay with life is just fine. (Believe me I do not always take my own advice but I do try to remind myself this often.)

Did you name him? It's not too late....








We named our beautiful baby, it's hard to say it (the name) out loud. I have, the two times I was asked about it, and it felt good.

bluewatergirl-Welcome


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Hello all,

I think of each of you here and why were are here and I am just sad. I went to get my youngest son, Christian an Easter oufit and thought about how I would be 37 weeks and that I wouldn't have needed Easter clothes this year, we would have had a lazy day at home with a new baby!

D-Norah will always be with you. She is such a beautiful baby and spirit. I truly believe that she comes to you at nighttime and kisses you in your sleep. What a sweet face.
You are one strong mama and I hope that March is your month. I wanted a little turkey baby too but that was not to be.....








to all here. Have a great weekend.

love to all,
jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Jen* - These next couple of weeks are going to be so difficult for you. I pray that you can gather your strength to make it through Avery'd due date. Thank you for your comments on Norah.

*Elise* - thank you. I don't know if pictures will help me heal but someday in the distant future I hope that it doesn't hurt so frickin much. Do you mind if I ask what your baby's name is? You don't have to say if you don't want.

*Rosemary* - Yes, she was beautiful, and perfect....and she still died. DH and I have fair skin and blonde hair

*honey bunch* - For some reason it strikes me that you might benefit from talking with someone IRL. I don't know why, it just hits me. That is why I asked.

*Me -* I'm doing better than I was last week. I was in a very difficult place then and feel a little better now. Thanks for all of your support.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
I'm doing better than I was last week. I was in a very difficult place then and feel a little better now. Thanks for all of your support.

I'm so glad things are a little brighter now, D.
Thanks for posting the photo of Norah - what a beautiful little person.
Thinking of you...


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

*D*, I just wanted to tell you how lovely Norah is. She looks so fair and peaceful. What color is her hair?








to you and everyone else in this thread.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Thanks Megan and Amy (((HUGS))) I miss the support of you both (and Em). Hopefully I can join you soon.
Amy - her hair was brownish but it would have changed to blonde. DS's hair started out the same way, really short with a hint of curl. DD lost her hair after 2 months, she was bald. I wish I could have seen Norah's grow.

I'm going to be out of town for the next 10 days. I hope everyone has a good week.

Sending Strength and Peace, d.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Oh, I also want to add that I feel like I've hijacked the thread. I'm very sorry. I hope that everyone else will post and it will return to its original intent of supporting people when they need it most. We are all living one day at a time.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Namaste, your child is beautiful and her picture made me feel sad for you but at the same time I felt a sense of peace...and I don't even know why. I am grieving my own loss and Norah helped me today.
Thank you so much for sharing her with us.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

to everyone.

I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me, like Im preggo again.

I haven't thought about it too much lately just trying to keep myself busy.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm in the last week of that 3 week counseling thing. Going well. Just wanted to check in.

Eden's due date (the *actual* one) was last Wed. And I'd been 18 weeks with Judah. Gag.

I saw that some of you were talking about being able to feel a baby in your arms. I do that too. I crave holding a baby. The longing is so deep it hurts.

Just wanted to stay in contact. I'll be back here more after this week.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Namase_mom-You did not hijack the thread, that's what this thread is FOR.









Prayin for 12 it's good to hear from you.









Kaydas mom-I love your kids names!

As for me,my life is moving on-without this part of me.I find myself teaching at a private school,where 3 of my kids attend, and with my youngest in another moms home during the teaching hours.We are VERY busy now,so my only time to think is at night during my insomnia.I don't mind, I'm used to it.Last night I sortof had a breakdown of sorts when Dh mentioned I should go get some pills for the insomnia,I guess I was keeping him up,after he came to bed 2 hours late to fit in a basketball game from the tv,after working til 7pm and not doing anything with the kids-so of course,they all were all over me!Thanks for the down time,sweetie!(see drips of sarcasam!)So then I was mad, and as always, my thoughts of anger turned into thoughts of anger toward why everything is so different-no baby.I started crying,and Dh tried to pat my head and wipe my tears like I was a baby.This pissed me off more.I am WAY past consoling!!!That was months ago!Then he had the nerve,or just stupidity to say,"it's o.k.,It'll all be o.k." I got up, I said "I know, THAT's why I'm upset!" He had no clue what I meant,and I had no desire to explain 3 months of this, so I went to go sleep with the baby I DO have.He(the baby) is SO sweet!I was happy and relaxed for the first time in a LONG time!I actually slept!He woke up a few hous later, and I nursed him for a long time, and went to roll over, and he yelled and got mad.The next thing I know, dh is in my face, saying"Go.He won't sleep for you" I said "what?" and he said "GO!" I was half asleep, so I got up, and started going,and he had the nerve to imply I ought to give him a kiss!I went up to bed.By the time I got there I was awake enough to realize he just kicked me out!What a creep!!!!!!!!!I am still furious,and even more because it is too petty to even bring up!It's SO stupid!!!I'm blaming it on hormones, maybe PMS,maybe another dead egg I'm too scared to let live anyway.I'm really pissed off at everything today.UGH!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Last night I told OH I was under stress. Then he asks, "What could you possibly be stressed about?"
















I know this isn't nice, but this whole situation is making me dislike men. It must be nice to not miscarry.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

KindRedSpirit--Zirka means "star" in Ukrainian and my husband named our m/c'd baby that last week. Zirka is our star in heaven. I gave baby the middle name of Joy because so much joy was brought into our lives for the short time we had together.
Kayda is my 13 month old who is helping to keep me going through all of this.
Honeybunch2k8--Yes it must be nice not to miscarry. It must be nice to be able to go about daily routines without getting punched in the chest when you least expect it. Today I went to the library...that should be safe right? I had ordered a couple of books, one of them called "To Full Term". It wasn't in yet so I asked the librarian about it and she looked it up on the computer to see what I had ordered then said "To Full Term...no, it's not in yet". I know it was just a book title to her but it still caught me off guard. Then I went to get my 13 month old a social insurance number. While sitting there I started thinking of how I would have been there in Sept. getting the baby one and then a passport. *ouch* deep breaths deep breaths


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

to everyone.

I finally got some test results back. All of my blood work came back normal. OK, fine that's good. So, there's nothing wrong with me as far as the things they tested for. The pathology reports however were inconclusive, go figure. I had the baby at 20 weeks but she died sometime around 18 weeks so because she had been gone for so long they were unable to regrow the tissue, which they clearly needed to do in order to obtain any information. We'll never know. I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with her, I guess this is what I will believe. It was just a very unfortunate loss.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
*Jen* -
*Elise* - thank you. I don't know if pictures will help me heal but someday in the distant future I hope that it doesn't hurt so frickin much. Do you mind if I ask what your baby's name is? You don't have to say if you don't want.

I know you are out of town for a while, but I wanted to answer your question. We named her Casey. Actually my 7 year old named her, only she doesn't know it yet. One day we will tell her and she will be very proud.
We haven't told the kids that we named the baby, only b/c my 7 year old has special needs and tends to repeat things over and over. It's just hard to tell how she would handle the whole name thing, we might just hear about Casey a little more than we would enjoy. Not that we want to forget, never! You'd just have to know my dd to understand







.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Elise-I like her name.







The name Casey feels strong and joyful to me.

OUr 4 yr old Dd named our baby Elvie,I'm not sure she knows it either.The name was inspired by my 6 yr old Dd as she is certain she is an elf.I was looking at name sites before Christmas and "Elvie " came up.I told the kids we could name the baby Elvie.That was all I said,along with a few other names...4 yr old Dd never called the baby anything else after that until the baby was gone.The day after Christmas.We'll talk more about it as we plant her placenta in a few weeks...


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

PF12-HOPE YOU'LL UPDATE US ON YOUR EXPERIENCES...THINKING OF YOU.

Hugs to all here.

D-POST all you need, you have been through a lot-get it out!

Hope you're having a great trip!







s

Well, pray for me, my close friend (since first grade) is having her baby Monday. I am supposted to go and visit her in the hospital. I was due on 3/28 but would have delivered by the 21st so we would have had our girls the same week. I am really happy for her but I hope that I won't get too upset.

Take care all,
Jen


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## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)




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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

KindRedSpirit- Thank you, I like the name too. My dd had been trying to get us to name a new baby this for a while. I honestly never considered giving it to a live child, now I wish I had








It sounds like your dd's will have a nice story to tell one day about their baby also. They sound sweet.









momoftworedheads-







It must be so nice to have a friend for so long. You are lucky to have each other. I'll be thinking of you as you visit your friend and see her beautiful new baby and tell her how happy you are for her.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Hi guys, we came back from our trip on Thursday. Its been a whirl wind of emotions since we've been back, but part of me is a little more at peace with things. I'm hoping that I found a support group near by, we'll find out next month.

Francis would have been 2 months old today







I would do anything to hear his little laugh.

Sex is really stirring up my emotions. Me & Dh have only had sex a couple times because of my fear of it. I've had two major meltdown after or during sex. I hope that it passes soon.








to everyone and D I hope your trip gives you some peace too


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

to all.

I just woke up from a dream in which I felt the baby inside of me. Ugh. Makes me wonder if I was imagining it before.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

This morning was very carefully. It was like I was having a dream I was miscarrying again. It felt so real I didn't want to stand up or go pee. Only this time I was wide awake. I looked at the bad, and there was no liquid or blood. That was very scary!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

My friend had her baby at 8:30 this morning. I did not go yet, I figure I should give her a day to get settled. I guess I should go, right? I am really nervous. She named her wee one Casey. I am happy for her and sad at the same time. I am trying not to be selfish but it is really hard.

Take care and I'll post if I go.









s to all here.

take care,
jen


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Beautiful name....









Jen, I'm sending strength your way...







: you can do it!
She knows how hard this is for you....the baby doesn't. She will be beautiful, and hopefully you can smile, after all it is a baby!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hi all....just wanted to check in on the thread. I read daily, but haven't posted. I wanted to let momoftworedheads know that I'm thinking of you this week...such a rough week.







s momma!!!

Me? I'm having some wierd pain on my right side that I thought was ovulation pain because the timing was right and I had tons of ewcm. But it's been going on for days now....I thought that then maybe I had a bladder infection. I've never had one and I described it to my good friend and she said it doesn't sound like one. It DOES seem to hurt more when my bladder is full. It also hurts SO bad when dh and I have tried to have sex two times. It's okay at first, but then I have to have him stop as it is just too painful...tmi...like he's poking it and it just HURTS! It's not so much a sharp pain but a painful ache. I've never experienced this before. I've never been one to feel ovulation pain, I've gotten pregnant usually by watching for ewcm, and I've had no problems getting pregnant. I got pregnant 3 times in the last 18 months. Any ideas? Could this be PCOS? Can that just happen?

It just seems crazy because we are NOT trying. I've done a complete 180, and am not wanting to get pregnant at all since finding out that the test results ALL cam back normal. I KNOW something is wrong. I know it. And since we don't know what it is, and we can't "fix" it I don't feel comfortable getting pregnant again. Something happens to me at 16 weeks....something.
Anyways....







to everyone here. It's a tough road for sure.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Heather - I know exactly what pain you are talking about because I am having that too. Last month, I was actually worried about it being another ectopic but it just turned out to be ovulation pain and it went on for two weeks!!!

This month, I have the pain again but am not worrying this time. HTH!!

Will be back to do personals later....


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

My dh emailed me pics of Francis this morning that we received at the hospital. They are located in my blog, the link is below. Sad day for me







I want my baby, he should be here...


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

GB - Francis is so lovely. You're right - he should be with you.







I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you have your precious pictures of your sweet boy.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Gratefulbambina,

What a beautiful little boy. I am truly sorry for your loss. I wish that your son was here with you as well. I'll keep you in my prayers.








mamas! Enjoy the rest of the week. I am leaving tomorrow for a 5 day trip. 'See' you all again soon!

Take care!
jen


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

gratefulbambina

Francis is beautiful, and look at all that hair! I wish no one had to lose babies.








to everyone else, sorry I pop in every once in a while.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

gratefulbambina- Francis is just georgous, what a stunning baby, those lips!! I am so so sorry he is not there with you, he should be, you're right....


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

Gratefulbambina, he is beautiful. It is so wrong he is gone.










Praying you find some peace soon.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
My dh emailed me pics of Francis this morning that we received at the hospital. They are located in my blog, the link is below. Sad day for me







I want my baby, he should be here...


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Why does it seem like everyone has a baby or is pregnant now??? I would have a big belly now like so many other women.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
Why does it seem like everyone has a baby or is pregnant now??? I would have a big belly now like so many other women.









I am hypersensitive to this too...
noticing every baby, pregnant woman, every reference to pregnancy...everywhere I go there is a reminder and I don't fit in with any of it. And it all reminds me of what should be happening for me and then I feel sad.

I just walk around with my game face on suffering in silence.....or trying to. I was the "crazy lady" in Costco last week crying in the book section (pregnancy journals).


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

GratefulBambina:

Thank you for sharing pictures of your son.

I am very sorry you have had to go through this. *hugs*


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

*Grateful Bambina* - Francis is beautiful, please talk about him all you want here.

*Jen* - *see* you when you get back, have fun

*Kayda's Mom* - I am glad the Norah's picture helped you.

*Holly* - I hope you are able to post more once your counseling ends and I hope it is helping

*KRSpirit* - my life moves on without me too

*Elise* - I love the name Casey

*Heather* - I really hope you can figure out what is wrong. If you know something is wrong, than it is. You just need a doctor who can figure it out.

*HB2k8* - I hope you are feeling better

*Rosemary* - glad to see you post. I hope you are well, except for the ovulation pain of course

*Me -* I'm back. Last Thursday Norah's headstone was set but when I went to my mom's to see it, it rained all weekend. We can't drive out when it is so wet because the roads are horrible. I'm so sad about that. I wanted to see her headstone and visit the cemetary for a bit. We won't get back until the summertime now. I also passed Norah's 4 month date on the 18th. That day was so difficult. I found myself staring at babies and wondering what she would be like. Yesterday was difficult too. I hate this time of the month.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

i think i belong here. the other thread just makes me so angry, and i don't like feeling that way about people who need happiness!

anyway, i see some familiar faces, but i'll do a short intro.

i am jen, my kids and their ages are in my siggy. bill and i have been together for 3 1/2 yrs and the youngest is ours together. we also have zoe, who lived in my womb for 12 1/2 wks and still lives on the tip of my tongue. we had been ttc for 8 mos when i got pg with her with NO help, even though i have horrible endometriosis and required surgery to get pg. the previous two times. all testing is normal for us, but we have had no luck since resuming ttc in july 07.

i am grieving her loss as the anniversary of her angel day draws nearer. and i am like some of you 'mature-r' moms who wonder if my days of babies in my arms and at my breast are over. it is so hard to be hopeful when you have done everything you can think of to get pg, and then your baby is taken away from you for no good reason!

sorry to be a post hog...but i do want to give hugs out to d. and jen. nice to 'see' you ladies over here, well, not nice, but, you know...


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen (b4m) - welcome, so glad to see you over here. I have been wondering about you lately when I came back and saw you had not posted on the other thread. I"m glad that you are still around. The ladies here are great and are here to support you. Its nice to have someone around that has been trying to have a live child as long as I have ((HUGS)). Got to go, DS needs attention.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Yesterday and the day before were pretty hard for me. I was crying a lot. After all, it is baby season. It seems like everyone is preggo or has a baby. Today I locked myself in my room, and I felt sooo much better. I went over to my SOs house and plopped myself on his bed. He noticed something was wrong. I told him how upset I was. He said that he doesn't stress over it b/c there is nothing he can do, etc.

I still have a hard time accepting that we are grieving differently. He should also realize this is a long term stressor for me.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

For those of you who don't know me, don't think I'm insane by the words I write next. You should get to know me and then judge for yourself









Norah visited me last night while I was in the shower. She hasn't come like this when I was awake for a long time. I felt her presence, I know her spirit, I was whole again. She filled that empty broken spot in my heart. My eyes were closed and I was washing my hair, suds covered my ears to where my hearing was altered (like putting on headphones) and suddenly I felt her around me. I talked to her in my head. Yes, she answered. It lasted for a few minutes, her presence not just near me but within me. I found myself swaying and rocking as you would do if holding a baby. For the rest of the night, I knew she was close. So, instead of reading myself to sleep, I just laid in bed and felt Norah near, knowing that when I woke up she would be gone. But, it felt nice to be at peace, if only for a little bit. I asked her to tell the angel babies to visit their earth mommies. That we miss them all very much and love them.

KRSpirit - I mentioned Elvie's name in particular because I remembered your post. I hope she visits

Red Jen - I remembered Avery's name also because we talked about our angel babies playing together. I hope she lets you know she is near.


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## matey (Sep 15, 2006)

In November 2006 I lost my little one. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and the book "About What Was Lost" helped me a lot. It is just stories of other women who have lost their babies, at various stages of pregnancy, written in their own words. I just found it so comforting.

Anyway. I came across the book today while cleaning and I wondered if anyhone might like it. If one of you mamas would like it, please just pm me, and I will send it your way.

Many hugs to all of you, not a day goes by that I still dont think about my lost one. I am so thankful I had MDC at that time, when no one I knew IRL could really offer the comfort I needed.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

d.-i don't think you are insane. i know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

honeybunch- i had a breakdown yesterday. my s.o. is 'jealous' of my online time...i told him that this is where i bury my sorrow because i'm tired of everyone IRL making me feel like i'm some sort of fruitcake for grieving a 12 week 'fetus.' i just wanna feel normal again, ya know?

matey-you were on my birth board...your son is gorgeous! congrats!!!

redjen-thinking of you...lots!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey Girls. Still here.

We had to put down my parakeet Saturday. I held him after he was given a sedative, him falling asleep in my hand. Tears streaming down my face, I told my husband, "He's not much bigger than Judah." Why do I have to be in a position where I'd think that, yk?

On top Lyme, I've got some kind of hurting ear and throat / cough thing. Gag.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

get well soon, holly! hugs!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jen (b4m) - thanks for confirming that I'm not insane, at least not insane alone because that means you would also be insand with me.









Holly - I would like to hear about your experience in counseling. Do you think it was worth the 3 weeks? Did it help you? I hope you get well soon


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

yes, d. we are insane together. that's what makes the trip worthwhile!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
yes, d. we are insane together. that's what makes the trip worthwhile!

Neither of you is insane. Just amazing women, just amazing!

Holly-sorry that you are sick. Hope you feel better soon!

Hugs to all who need them.

Me-back from my trip but feeling sad. Didn't really help to be around a bunch of people for 5 days. I need some alone time to clear my head....

D-That story of Norah brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful. I hope I 'feel' Avery soon.

love and prayers,
Jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Red Jen - don't you have an appt today? Or am I misremembering?


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

D-you are good-they cancelled my appt. The Dr had emergency surgery that he forgot about over a week ago. So I am now going to an acupuncturist and a new MW to get mayan massage. I was never for going to a RE so I feel like this was a sign.

I did O on the 18th or 19th so we'll see. I am due for the witch to come on Sunday. I am not really focusing on it this month. I am just taking it, as this thread is titled "one day ay a time".

How are you doing? Did you have a good time away? I want to go somewhere else for a while but I need to save $$ 1st!

Lots of love to you! I wish that some of you were closer so we could hang out IRL. I feel closest to you and Boob Jen.

xoxox,
Jen


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Namaste - I enjoyed the story of your visit, too! It must have been so hard to fall asleep and let her go until next time...


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## kylee'smom (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *juneau* 
I should say right off the bat that I _am_ TTC right now, but I am 44 so I feel like the odds that I will conceive again are so minimal that I don't fit in on the TTC after a loss board (too many positives). I post on the 40+ and TTC but not many there have had losses like I have. I am grateful for this thread.

My last m/c, I was 34. My history was I either got pregnant by surprise or the month that I tried. I got pregnant within 2 weeks of the m/c.

This time I am 40+, we had been TTC for over a year after 2 surgeries that eventually resulted in the loss of one ovary and fallopian tube.

I am so much more emotional this time. Last time I started spotting at 12 weeks, had an u/s, the fetus had died at 5 weeks. I m/c the next day on my own. This time I had an u/s thinking everything was okay, found the baby had died about 2 weeks ago and am waiting for the m/c.

I think it is so much harder this time because of having to wait, because we had tried for over a year to conceive, I am 40, and I worry my ovarian issues may eventually cost me my fertility before I am ready to be done!


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

lots of hugs, jen. i'm sorry that you didn't get some healing time in.

i'd like to be hopeful...i got top o' the page both on this thread AND the hhaca (formerly the hhattca thread) but i don't feel all that thrilled about it.

we ARE ttc right now, but it's not necessarily making me happy. i actually just feel like it's a total waste of energy at this point.

fingers crossed for d and jen. the two week psychofest (as we lovingly refer to it) is my second least fav thing about ttc. of course, the first least fav is recovering from utter disappointment month after month after month.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

booby Jen - Boy, I hear ya, my least favorite time is the time right after AF comes. Ack, I'm so disappointed.

Hmmm Hope, I've been thinking alot of hope today. Why is it that you can be in the darkest place imagineable and still have some hope. Is it self-preservation?

Red Jen - I glad that you feel comfortable with the acupuncture and the midwife. I guess it was a good thing your appt was cancelled. I guess I o'd around the same time you did, I'm not certain, I wasn't using OPK's because we were gone for the week before that and I didn't want MIL asking questions about what they were. She is very dense. My trip was tiring and not relaxing what so ever. I am hoping to go on a real vacation in Mid-May, we will see. Yes, I wish I could be pg at the same time you and Boob Jen are...







:

kylee's mom - I'm not 40 yet but I still feel like I'm past my prime









Mamabearto4 - thanks for reading, actually it soothed me to sleep, I have not felt peace like that in a very long time. BTW, the peace is gone now but it was good while it lasted.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Jens,
Thanks. I must say, I'd rather be dog-sick than have the nerve pain I get with the Lyme (that's been better lately).

Kylee'smom,
Just UGH. I sincerely hope you can have another before you're done.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Holly - I would like to hear about your experience in counseling. Do you think it was worth the 3 weeks? Did it help you? I hope you get well soon

It was definitely worth the 3 weeks and definitely helped me.

It was done mostly in groups. Because of that, I thought there's no WAY the groups would be specialized enough for my particular hurts. But they were!

No one sprinkled me with magic get-better dust or anything, but it really helped. Going in a month ago, I was suicidal. Haven't been since. That means something.

Honestly don't know if the programs that aren't focused on God would be as effective though - gotta say. This one was God-stuffed. That was a lot of the "umph" in what they did.

Hey Everybody,
We're doing a lot of research into adoption now. I won't be healthy enough to TTC for atleast the rest of 2008.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly- Great to "see" you! Your program sounds like it was really worthwhile. What type of adoption are you looking into, domestic or international? A friend of mine is blessed with two children from Korea. I know that it is a really good program.

I hope that you can find some relief for the nerve pain. Have you thought about getting some acupuncture for it. Can you go to a pain mgmt specialist?

D-My DH still would like to go the more conventional route with the RE and all but we'll see. I did not use OPKs either this month for similar reasons. Actually my DH keeps thinking that they are Pg tests! LOL! I hope you get to go on vac in MAY! Where will you go?

Jen-(B4M) Thanks for the well wishes. TTC is hard! really frustrating. The worst part for me is the hoping in the
2 ww and then getting AF! I hope we all get pg soon. I still want to get together once we have these miracle TTC forever babies!

xoxox,
Jen


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Here is a song I found and I thought it may resonate with some of us...

Fragile

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are
How fragile we are how fragile we are

xoxox,
Jen


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

hey mamas, hope it's okay if I pop in here. This thread seems like the place I need to be right now. I just found out yesterday that I lost my third pg in a row. I was 8 wks and there was no heartbeat on the u/s. I really thought this was the one, the keeper, after two devastating loss in Aug and Nov. Ugh. Not even sure where to go from here, when/if we will ttc again. Just pretty much falling apart right now.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

jmo I'm so sorry









I've been doing ok, surviving one day at a time. I know I'm not posting much, but I'm thinking about you guys


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

jmo-I am so sorry. Please take care mama. Light and love to you.

Jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jenna - I wrote it all on PAL thread but I'll reiterate that my sorrow for you is great. I am so sorry that this happened to you again. You are welcome here.

gratefulbambina - I think of you all the time

Red Jen - that is a good song but it needs another verse.....
How strong we are how strong we are

Red Jen - I don't know where we will go. I don't have enough energy to try and find a place. But, I think I'd like to go down to the gulf coast to the beach. I'm usually a Mountain person but I'll be spending alot of the summer in the mountains and for some reason I'm craving the crash of the surf and the smell of saltwater.

Holly - I am glad that program was worthwhile. I had heard others going to such a program saying that it was worth it because it kept them busy. I think adoption is a great option. I am also interested in where you are looking.

Me -OK today, it is a busy day.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

hugs, jenna. i'm so sad that you are here, yet again. may you find peace and healing...and an outlet here if you need/want it!

love!


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Hmmm Hope, I've been thinking alot of hope today. Why is it that you can be in the darkest place imagineable and still have some hope. Is it self-preservation?

Hope is all I have. If that were taken away from me my days would be only dark.
I was thinking this morning that my hope prevents me from really feeling the pain and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm having a bad morning. I had to go to the store to exchange an outfit DD14months got at Easter. Seeing the itty bitty baby clothes made me want to throw up...literally. It hurt so bad. The I started thinking of the other day when I had to pack up my maternity clothes. I had just bought some new ones and don't know if they will ever be worn.
Started thinking about what an idiot I am for thinking I may have O'd this past weekend and thinking that maybe would get pregnant...we certainly have been trying...AF hasn't returned after my D&C 3 weeks ago. So maybe...just maybe...
and then what if we are...I was told not to TTC because my body wouldn't be ready and there would be a greater chance at miscarrying. Then I flip back to the success stories of people who conceived before getting their period..one of them is my friend..and I hang on to their stories of success so tight.
I'm up...down...all around...and I don't even know what I want to feel anymore. My life changed forever March 2.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Kayda's Mom,
You do a good job describing the emotional rollercoaster. And fwiw, I did a LOT of dry heaving the month or so after losing Judah.

Namaste_mom,
I also love that surf-crash sound. And you're right - the busyness was a huge benefit.

jmo,
I'm SO sorry. Things like this just aren't supposed to happen.

Red Jen,
Like the song.
Did try acupuncture. Just once. It actually left me with MORE pain for a day or 2. I suspect the lady that did it was pretty clueless. Willing to try again, but can't find anyone.
We've found 2 things that help: having about a bajillion people praying about it, and a medicine called Ultram.

For those of you that asked,
We don't have enough of a direction on adoption yet to give details.
I've been researching many countries. Some of them look really promising except for just one stupid thing - you have to have been married 5 years, OR you have to be 30, OR you have to be in good health, OR you have to stay in that country for 2+ months, OR the child could get taken back, OR ... Gag.

I'm really rather jealous of those of you who can atleast TRY to conceive. Because of my health, I have to use atleast 2 methods of birth control at once. This coming CD1, we'll start temping again - so we can _avoid_ conceiving.

It's ironic. I'm one of those that can conceive sitting on a dirty toilet seat. But I can't carry. And for all we know, it's all just because some dang tick bit me. Or it's _not_ and I'm infertile. How _would_ I find out, not being able to TTC?!

Rarrr!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Hi all,
I dunno why I never wandered into this thread, but last night, after hearing about *jmo*'s loss, I saw that she posted on this thread and wanted to come in and give her hugs.








I ended up reading and I am glad i did. (I did not get a chance to post though as dd1 was running a high fever, up to 107F and at one point the thermometer cld not register a tempt becoz it was too high. turns out she has StrepA...)

*namaste_mom*, big hugs to you. I read about your loss when one evening I was poking ard on the PAL thread (yeah, nothing better to do). I read your post and I sat there and cried for you. I was sad and angry and did not believe the world has any fairness. Though I did not know you I thought of you often and wondered how you were doing... ...
I love how Norah is visiting you... I am so glad you posted that. I had been waiting and waiting for Ferdinand to visit but he never did. But he appeared to a friend of mine (who since young could see and hear "things") and told her that he had been trying to speak to me but I cld not hear.







He sent love and said his light wishes to reutrn another time. Then a few weeks ago at an energy healing session, the lady doing the healing, J,could actually tune in to such energies and she told me ferdinand was there, very close. His messages to me, through J, was that he had unfinished business on the other side and chose not to be born, it was no fault of mine; and that he will return, though not necc as a boy again.








to all of you who have losses. Your babies are beautiful and I wish they are here with us.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Dreamweaver - that post made me cry, I don't think that is a bad thing. I think crying is good and healing. I have always believed that Norah is near and visits but I think I have been too heavy and close-minded with grief to hear her. If you meditate, perhaps it is possible that you can clear your mind long enough for his presence to shine through. I'm so glad you shared your story of getting a message from Ferdinand through your healer. I would love to know someone who could do an energy healing session (sadly, I live in a small town). Are you Buddhist? You have made some references before. If so, one of the thoughts that has always given me comfort is that I gave Norah a chance to come and work out what she needed to work out...I gave her a safe place to grow and learn and rise to the next spiritual level. I am not Buddhist but have beliefs that have arisen through my experiences and one of those beliefs is the existence of a higher level of spiritual being. I think Norah and all of our angel babies are there. I'm curious that your healer said that he will return, though no neccesarily as a boy. Does that mean he will return to you? Or just return? I am also curious that possibility that Norah could return as either a boy or a girl. But I'm a little unclear on my beliefs as far as reincarnation goes. I think it is probably too unclear for me even to attempt to express it in words. I just think it is wonderful that she confirmed Ferdinand's presence.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

many tears and hugs, d and dreamweaver. i, too, read of norah's passing and cried and screamed my anger to the fates. i didn't 'know' d. either, but i had been lurking and reading and felt like all the hope was just sucked right out of the world.

you know what's amazing? seeing ladies like you HAVING HOPE. it makes me know that there is hope for me, too!

hugs everyone...it's a beautiful day out there and we're headed out to baseball!


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Thanks so much, mamas for all the kind words. My heart just breaks for us all. I'm just sitting here crying for all of these beautiful babies. The pain is still so raw today. I *know* it will get better with time but I'm not there yet. My first two losses were plenty devastating, but I honestly felt like well, those things happen and for sure I could have another baby. But now, I'm really doubting the likelihood of another child for us. Maybe that's what I'm greiving the most. My poor dd growing up w/o a sibling, me never getting to feel kicks or nurse a babe again. It seems just impossible to have a healthy pg after 3 consecutive losses.
I'm planning on getting a d&c this time, hopefully on Fri. I m/c'd naturally the last times but I've just had it and I want them to run tests on the baby so a d&c is the best option for that. My OB is referring to an RE. He's the only one in town so I'm sure it will be quite a while for an appt.
This is just so painful. I had no idea it was even possible to be in so much pain and still function. Not that I'm functioning too well. Right now I feel like I'm never going to be happy even again, just existing in a dark hole of grief.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Dreamweaver - that post made me cry, I don't think that is a bad thing. I think crying is good and healing. I have always believed that Norah is near and visits but I think I have been too heavy and close-minded with grief to hear her. If you meditate, perhaps it is possible that you can clear your mind long enough for his presence to shine through. I'm so glad you shared your story of getting a message from Ferdinand through your healer. I would love to know someone who could do an energy healing session (sadly, I live in a small town). Are you Buddhist? You have made some references before. If so, one of the thoughts that has always given me comfort is that I gave Norah a chance to come and work out what she needed to work out...I gave her a safe place to grow and learn and rise to the next spiritual level. I am not Buddhist but have beliefs that have arisen through my experiences and one of those beliefs is the existence of a higher level of spiritual being. I think Norah and all of our angel babies are there. I'm curious that your healer said that he will return, though no neccesarily as a boy. Does that mean he will return to you? Or just return? I am also curious that possibility that Norah could return as either a boy or a girl. But I'm a little unclear on my beliefs as far as reincarnation goes. I think it is probably too unclear for me even to attempt to express it in words. I just think it is wonderful that she confirmed Ferdinand's presence.


D., where do you live? You never know who you may find, and there are peple who does distant healing. Yes, i am a Buddhist, so i do believe in reincarnations. I also believe in the eternal soul. Reading Thich Nhat Hanh's "No Death No Fear" gave me great peace. He talks about the universal presence of the spirit, and the illusion of permanence. It is just great and comforting to read. He said when our loved ones die, it does not mean the end, because we never really "create" something and neither can we destroy something. His example was a piece of paper. It does not come from thin air; it's an orchestrated effort from tree to addition of water and human efforts. And you cannot make it disappear. You can burn it, but it becomes ashes, it is still *something*. So, our loved ones is also not "gone"; they just take on a different form.
I do admit my brain has been too chattery, too many things going on my mind and thus I cannot connect with F. But I am sure one day I will. To be honest, that session at the energy healer was a surprise, I did not expect *that* component of it, just expected a Reiki session... but I think it's becoz I was thinking of connecting with F thr a psychic medium (dh is dead agt it) and when I went to J, she was able to give me the answers I needed to hear. I really wanted to know why F did not come... ...









Also, Norah's birthday is exactly one week before mine. I will always remember her.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
many tears and hugs, d and dreamweaver. i, too, read of norah's passing and cried and screamed my anger to the fates. i didn't 'know' d. either, but i had been lurking and reading and felt like all the hope was just sucked right out of the world.

you know what's amazing? seeing ladies like you HAVING HOPE. it makes me know that there is hope for me, too!

hugs everyone...it's a beautiful day out there and we're headed out to baseball!









s to you too, and hope your day was beautiful!! Yes, i cling on to hope. I need it. In Chinese there is a saying that if you have no hope, your heart is dead. some days it feels that way... ...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
Thanks so much, mamas for all the kind words. My heart just breaks for us all. I'm just sitting here crying for all of these beautiful babies. The pain is still so raw today. I *know* it will get better with time but I'm not there yet. My first two losses were plenty devastating, but I honestly felt like well, those things happen and for sure I could have another baby. But now, I'm really doubting the likelihood of another child for us. Maybe that's what I'm greiving the most. My poor dd growing up w/o a sibling, me never getting to feel kicks or nurse a babe again. It seems just impossible to have a healthy pg after 3 consecutive losses.
I'm planning on getting a d&c this time, hopefully on Fri. I m/c'd naturally the last times but I've just had it and I want them to run tests on the baby so a d&c is the best option for that. My OB is referring to an RE. He's the only one in town so I'm sure it will be quite a while for an appt.
This is just so painful. I had no idea it was even possible to be in so much pain and still function. Not that I'm functioning too well. Right now I feel like I'm never going to be happy even again, just existing in a dark hole of grief.









again. I hope you get your appointment fast and end this pain, and perhaps find some answers. We all want answers so bad... ... the only way I can comfort my self is our mortal eyes cannot look around the corner, we do not know what is ahead. It is scary but it also gives some hope.
I know how it is feeling like you will never be happy again. I still seldom laugh and I feel sorry that my girls have a grieving mum as i cannot give my heart to them 100%, yet they are so sweet and patient and understanding. I hope slowly you begin to see shadows in your dark hole- an indication of light coming through. Light and healing to you.....


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I haven't posted here in a while. I just wanted to give







to all.

I still don't feel like I belong in the TTC thread just yet as I have not even gotten my first pp af yet. I have a feeling my dd increased nursing since the milk came back in is affecting my cycle. Who knows.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamabearTo4* 
Namaste - I enjoyed the story of your visit, too! It must have been so hard to fall asleep and let her go until next time...









I also enjoyed your story. So peaceful. I wish she was with you.
I wish we all had our babies with us.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

dreamweaver, i too have buddhist leanings. i love the story you just told about the paper. when i read 'the golden compass' trilogy, the ending reminded me of buddhist teachings. i am NOT because i think; i AM because i AM. i am something and i always have been and always will be. zoe is something! she is the air i breath, the food i eat, the love i make. she IS!

jenna- i am sending out my self to wrap around you, to shelter and heal you. i hope that you can find peace and love and hope again.








s all around ladies!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobs4milk* 
dreamweaver, i too have buddhist leanings. i love the story you just told about the paper. when i read 'the golden compass' trilogy, the ending reminded me of buddhist teachings. i am NOT because i think; i AM because i AM. i am something and i always have been and always will be. zoe is something! she is the air i breath, the food i eat, the love i make. she IS!

jenna- i am sending out my self to wrap around you, to shelter and heal you. i hope that you can find peace and love and hope again.








s all around ladies!

b4m, you are right! Zoe is a part of everything, and everything is a part of Zoe. I red this in Thich Nhat Hanh's book and it gave me much peace. A few days after, we went to a place where a Buddhist temple was nearby and there were lots of people selling fresh lotus flowers, for people to buy and make offerings. dd1's middle name is Lotus. She saw that and she said, "Look! That is me, that is me, blooming there." and I thought, kids are so wise.







to you.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Dreamweaver - that book is on my list to read, maybe in the summer time...
I thought you were Buddhist. I have Buddhist tendencies that Jen but not really Buddhist. I just follow what is true to me. I have a very difficult time with my chattery brain; however, I must admit, since Norah's death, it is let crowded. There are no thoughts flowing around, mostly just in and out. Yes, I like the paper analogy. I know Norah is still near just in a different form. I love that Norah's b-day is near your birthday, that is so perfect.

Booby Jen - I think I posted a thought about hope a couple of posts ago. Hope is amazing. Even when I had an u/s sound showing Norah died, something in my head said, oh, have them look again, they will find it. There is HOPE peeking through. And when we discuss ttc, I always talk as though I will have another kid, that is HOPE popping her head up. Hope is amazing.

Jenna - many hugs to you mama as you face a D&C today, I guess it is today now. You will be in my thoughts....I've been in that hole and some day's I still am down there. (((HUGS))) as you attempt to crawl out of there.

Elisa - you are welcome to post here as much or little as you want. I use this thread for my grief as I feel safe here. If people are reading this thread, they are not going to get blindsided by my despair.

Boob Jen - yes, Zoe is near...

Red Jen - (((HUGS))) as you time drawns near


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Well, I have made it through what should have been my daughter's due date. We would have had her by now because I have to deliver by 39 weeks. So I would have a baby that is a few days old or a day old!

We were hoping to be expecting another baby by now, not to replace Avery but to grow our family and give Avery another sibling here on Earth. We'll keep hoping. I pray and pray for the chance to grow this family, have another child settle in my womb and join us 9 months later.

D-Hugs and thanks for all the thoughts.

Jen-Hugs to you too. I think of you often and especially today.

I really did not do anything to commemorate today. I have not even talked to my DH about it, maybe later.

Take care all!

Jen


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

MomOfTwoRedheads:

*hugs* to you on a difficult day such as this.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Red Jen - I can feel your pain coming through that post and I wish that I could take that away from you. I am with you on this journey as we both search for strength and peace. Little Avery - Please visit your mommy so that she knows you are near. Send her your love.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Many hugs on your due date, red jen. It's so tough.

Unfortunately, my d&c had to be rescheduled to Monday. I saw my OB for a second u/s this afternoon (no changes, still just a 6 wks sac, no hb). But then he got called to a delivery and everything had to be pushed to 6am Monday. Crappy time....there's no way we can get childcare that early so dh will have to stay home w/ dd and I'll have him pick me up when it's over. Oh well, sometimes I feel like I deal w/ stuff better on my own anyway. My OB gave me some xanax that is helping w/ the anxiety. I hate taking meds but whatever gets you thru, right?

Can we talk a little about testing after mutiple losses? Has anyone here had anything done? I just looked thru our insurance info and I'm now classified as a "habitual aborter" (what a lovely term, eh?) and this falls under infertility so no testing and/or treatment is covered. I've got to decide what is important enough to pay for. I had the blood clotting panel done already (all neg) and several progesterone tests (all normal). The OB recommends karyotying on dh and me (the baby will be done after the d&c). Karyotyping estimate is roughly $400 each person. Then there's a hysterosalpingogram at $600 and an endometrial biopsy at $300. Already way way more than we can afford. Anyway, just wondering if any of you with multiple losses have had any of this done?


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Red Jen; a BIG BIG BIG BIG







to you. I weep for you.









jmo,







I have no experience with this, but do you think you can post on the main Pregnancy & Brith Loss forum and see if others can share their experiences?







again.

I am feeling awful Today is the 8-month mark of F's passing. I cannot believe it and still in shock. Can't believe that now I have this extra label of "mom of stillborn baby" on me. Also checked my emails and read the birth announcement of a fren who delivered her 3rd baby, a boy yesterday, at home in water. a big almost-11-lb baby. I am happy for her but of course I could not help thinking... ...


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## annieskry (Mar 11, 2008)

I don't really even know what to say. That's part of the problem I suppose. After a premature labor at 25 weeks, I fell in love with my boy only to lose him soon after. How is it that we are expected to deal with all this and still live life as we normally would? I have so many questions, most of which will never be answered. The biggest one...why me? why now, when we weren't even planning on a baby. I can't go back to work and see the woman with the EXACT same due date and think, that's how big Ben would be now. The waiting is killing me; 9 months I am supposed to sit here and wait for my body to shape up so I am fit to carry a baby. All the blood tests and the procedures I have coming up need to go well. Why did my body betray me?
Just throwing these out here, it feels so good to write it down.
Having a rough day, praying that yours are going better. Praying for the next chance at being a momma.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

annieskry
sorry you are having a rough day.... we all ask the same questions and probably there may never be answers.
I came to acknowlege that pain and loss are parts of Life, but it still does not make it any easier... ...


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

jen-many hugs for you and avery. we decided not to comemorate on zoe's due date. we had an at-home day and we just sat and enjoyed each other (the kids were at their other parents' homes). there just isn't an easy way to deal with any of this and we all have to take our own time to heal. more







s and some healing light for you!!!

annie-big hugs to you. we aren't supposed to bury our children, we just aren't. it isn't natural or right or fair. but those of us who do, we know and we understand. good luck with your upcoming appts!

jenna-aww mama, i hope you can catch a break soon! i am right here with you in the no insurance coverage game. we had the usual done at the d&c and that was all we could manage. i am currently going through a clinic to try and treat my endo...maybe you could look into that? big hugs and try to give yourself some love and attention so that you can begin to heal!!!

dreamweaver-more







s for you as well. i don't think any of us can say, "i'll be all healed up in X days/months/years." it's been nine months for us, and i sometimes feel like it was yesterday. that's how fresh and raw the pain is for me. my grandma had multiple losses as a young girl and now, at 78 years old, she still hurts. that's a pretty grim outlook...BUT it helps us know that our pain is normal and natural and that we will never forget! love and light my friend!

d- thank you for hope!







s

me- i'm having a horrible time right now with hormones. my endo is at an all-time worst. fun.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Dreamweaver-Thanks for the hugs.







s to you too! I am so sorry that it has to be this way. I will keep Ferdinand in my prayers.

Jen-You grandmother sounds like like Mom-Mom. My Mom-Mom lost a full term baby when she was 10 days old. She was so sad in October when we lost Avery. She was dying when I had my last m/c and I told myself that that baby guided my Mom-Mom into the next world (whatever that is). She never forgot about her baby she lost all those years ago. Until 1997 she never ever attended baby showers. She did not even give my Mom one!

annieskry-







s to you mama. Noone knows why these things happen. I wish you light and peace.

D-Hope you are well this weekend. I know that Sundays are hard for you!







s my friend.

Hugs to all who need them today!

xoxoxox.
Jen


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

big hugs, ladies. we are under tornado watches this morning and all day.

thinking of you all!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Dreamweaver _ ((HUGS)) I'm so sorry that you had to endure 8 months of this h*ll; I think the 9 month mark will be very difficult as that will be as much time as Norah spent with me. How many weeks was Ferdinand when he passed? I checked you blog but I couldn't find it. The day of the month that our babies passed is so difficult.
















Jenna - please accept my strength for today as you go through this d&c. I also had to do my d&c along with my m/c before Norah. It was so emotional but relatively painless and DH picked me up afterwards. As for multiple losses, what a horrible horrible term! 'habitual aborter' What were they thinking??? I had panels run and found out that I have a blood clotting issue (like Red Jen). But, my insurance covered that because it was related to the loss of Norah. I haven't had anything done regarding karyotyping. I wish I could help more.

anniedkry - it is OK to say nothing at all. I'm so sorry for you loss. We all know what it feels like to love our babies so intensely, only to lose them. As for the question, why me? I think everyone asks that question and I'm not sure there is an answer. We all have to come to terms with the fact that what are circumstance are/were is what _is_ and nothing is going to change that fact. Keep writing, I know it feels good. I do it everyday too.

Boob Jen - here's too hope (raise your imaginary glass of wine cause the smiley aren't working for me today). I really don't like her sometimes but she is there none the less. Are you getting treated for your endo? Does it screw with your horomones?

Red Jen - yes, Sunday's are difficult but I kept myself fairly busy. I'm sad because I getting out of counting the weeks since Norah died or more looking at the months. Its sad because that means her death is farther away from me and I feel like I'm losing her but then again, I love it when she visits

Tornados! Yes, we will be under watch tonight and tomorrow. You must live in the mid west Boob Jen. I think you asked Dreamweaver but I live in AL, we get tornadoes in the early spring and late fall.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

oh no! Tornadoes stay away!!!







:







:

Red Jen, it breaks my heart to hear about your Mom Mom!!







How we long for our lost children, and yet people keep thinking we are "over" it or shd move on already... ...

Jenna-







hoping all goes well, and healing vibes to you.

D- Ferdinand was born at full term. 40 weeks, like Norah.







we found out he passed a day before his due date but he was born a day after his due date; I was induced for two days. I sometimes think, we we succeed in TTC and find out next month, then it coincides with the nine-month mark of his death. Ironis, isn't it?








to all.


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## boobs4milk (Jun 25, 2006)

i am in oklahoma...right smack dab in the middle of tornado alley. it is still storming heavily, although we haven't had an actual touchdown as of yet.

scary!








s, ladies!

thinking of you today, jenna!!!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Jen-hope you and the family are all ok! Praying for your safety!!!








s!

D-Thinking of you and praying that Norah continues to visit you.







s to you too!

I hope Zona does not mind me posting this, but I visited PAL and she lost one of her twins. I am so sad for her! Keep her in your thoughts mamas!

Dreamweaver- Thanks for your thoughts about Mom-Mom. I was always sad for her and then once I lost my own baby, it hit me hard. She had a full term loss. I cannot imagine what she endured. She delivered my Aunt alone (it was during WWII, my Grandfather was stationed in Georgia). He was sent for once she died. My Great-Aunt (her twin) was not even allowed to visit (she was a nun).

Holly-Thinking of you today and hoping the pain is getting manageable!

jmo- Hope your D&C went as smoothly as possible. Lots of love and hugs mama. Please take care!

Take care ladies!

xoxoxox,
jen


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Who wants to start our next months thread, Rosemary was doing it but she hasn't come back to start our April. I unvolunteer. I absolutely hate to see my name under the thread for the whole month. I know that is very strange but I got a "thing" about it. That is why is never start threads.

Hey, under my member thing to the left it says "We do routines and parlour scenes with footwork impecc-Able" who put that there? I didn't. I have no idea what it means. Is that an april fools joke?


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Done


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