# My roller coaster ride is over...our baby is gone



## BCmamaof6 (Sep 7, 2004)

What a nightmare!
I'm not going to post the whole story here...as parts of it are already in fertility, infertility & the August due date club....and I'm not emotionally strong enough to have to repeat it all right now...
(so I'll sum it up)

After 2 years of TTC I finally got pregnant in November.
I'd been having right-sided pain for weeks & the doctor wanted to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (I had one in 1993).
First ultrasound at 4 weeks showed an abnormal right sided cyst.
Second ultrasound at 5 weeks showed nothing...no cyst (!?) & still no baby.
Third ultrasound at 6 weeks 3 days (Thurs Dec 15th) showed nothing in the uterus, but a right tubal mass (which the idiot radiologist interprets as an ectopic pregnancy).
That night I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy.
Friday morning the OB told me that he didn't think it was an ectopic pregnancy...he didn't see a baby, sac, etc.
He removed the tube anyway, which was so badly damaged (from the previous ectopic in '93) that he figured it had been affecting my fertility.
He thinks that it was a normal uterine pregnancy...that maybe my dates were off by a week & I'm was pregnant & everything would be okay. Yeah, right.
Friday & Saturday I had light spotting.
Sunday it turned to period-like blood. And the cramping (which was already SO painful) got worse.
Today, Monday, I talked to the OB. My HCG levels have fallen to under 300.
I have also been passing tissue...so far it looks like placental tissue...?
No baby or sac...I've been looking...hoping to see him or her...hoping to hold my baby, that I couldn't save, in my hands & say goodbye.








I kept holding on...thinking that maybe everything would be okay...believing that God would miraculously save this baby...that I'd talk to the OB today & he'd say that the HCG levels were normal...that I'd go in for another scan & they'd say "oh look...there's the heartbeat"...but no...now I know for sure that our sweet baby is gone...that there will be no new person joining our family in August...that the new year won't hold the same excitement that it did 2 weeks ago.

What a horrible time to lose a baby. Christmas won't be the same this year.
I wanted this baby so badly. It took so long to get pregnant. I was already thinking that I was infertile...and had pretty much given up hope that we would ever have that other baby that we always thought we were meant to have...and then I was so excited...I (stupidly) bought a couple of newborn cloth diapers to celebrate...they haven't even arrived yet...I don't think I'll be able to open the mail when they do...

My husband (although a great guy, don't get me wrong) is a total dick!
He says "whatever is meant to be- will be" that we obviously "weren't meant to have this baby" and that it never "felt real to him like it did with our other kids". I could kill him right now. Honestly...I want him to hold me in his arms, let me weep & promise me that we'll try again...that we'll have 'that baby' that we're meant to have...and...and...







I don't know...something comforting about our spirit baby being in a better place or something...KWIM?
Why can't men be more sensitive? And understand the need to utterly break down and weep for a lost soul?





















I WANTED this baby. I dreamed about this baby for YEARS. And it was taken away from me...
I just don't get it. There are dying babies in Africa for G*d's sake! There are crack heads having babies & dropping them in dumpsters! They got pregnant so easily! And they didn't even WANT them!!!

But why, is it, that mamas who would would love their baby from the moment of conception, take every precaution during pregnancy, birth it gently into the world without drugs, nurse it constantly for years, carry it it a sling next to their heart, tuck it safely into their bed at night, cloth diaper because they wouldn't want chemicals next to it's skin, cuddle & sing to it, smell it's sweet breath, and never put it down beacuse the mama knows how precious it is
HAVE THEIR BABIES DIE???
Why?
Life is NOT fair. It's not fair that babies that are WANTED this badly die.

I have to get off the computer now...I'm crying so hard that I'm not making any sense anymore & I can hardly see the screen...

Thank you for letting me get this out.


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## patty_g (May 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your pain.








We've been down the infertility road all the way to a failed IVF attempt. When we found out we weren't pregnant from the IVF and that none of the 3 embryoes had implanted, my DH said it felt exactly the same as when our oldest DS passed away. I can't tell you that it will happen, because I don't know that it will. But you know that you will get through this and whatever happens, you have people here who support and care for you.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I agree with the "not fair" sentiment. In our minds we had done everything right, why did we lose our child? Cause the price of living is sometimes to have immense joy and immense pain. Hopefully our lives have more joy than pain, but that does not make the pain suck less.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

bcmommaof5,
oh, i am so sorry for what has happened! everything you wrote is so absolutely true... it is not fair, there are babies whose destiny it is to start life unwanted, and live their live unloved, neglected, and forgotten, and then there are mothers, ready, willing, praying, hoping, dreaming, aching for a baby to raise with all of the love and compassion in the universe...but without a child to raise. totally unfair.
thank you for sharing your feelings about this baby! i don't think that most of the world understands that losing a baby hurts and is devestating whenever the loss is in the pregnancy... they are trained to think that it is 'better', 'not meant to be', and all of the other things said to comfort but in reality hurt so bad because they don't address the great loss that is felt. this is the right place to come, because we all know it hurts from day one.
i am so sorry you had to simultaneously go through losing your baby and also the crazy surgery. i hope you are able to physically heal soon...
and i'm thinking of you today, wishing you some peace in your grieving. when all of the pain is pushed aside, what's left is the truth, that you loved and wanted this little baby, and that is the best a mother can do.


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

I've been following your story, mama, and I am so sorry for your loss.
















for your little one


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am sooo very sorry for the loss of your precious baby








There are no words... you are right it is not fair.


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## zion (Feb 22, 2005)

I am feeling your pain so much right now. I am right there with you mama. It is NOT fair. I'll keep you in my heart!!

Chris


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

I am so sorry








It is so unfair that we ut all this light toward these sweet babies and then they are snatched away - it seems so senseless.
I am so so sorry


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry mama!

And yes, men just don't seem to understand these things...


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## daekini (Jun 17, 2004)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

I've been following your story and I'm so sorry to hear this







:


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

BCMamaof5,
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. It is not fair. Not at all. And it hurts when you have been wanting and planning this baby for so long. I am sorry that your dh is not more supportive -- I know that my dh and I have been grieving in very different ways and it sometimes can make me crazy. I understand wanting them to break down and cry and show sadness for this horrible loss just to know what you are going through. I think as a mama you have such a strong bond to this baby from the moment you know he/she is there and it makes it so hard to bear. Please be gentle with yourself.







You are in our thoughts.


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## glendora (Jan 24, 2005)

Hey, I was over in the August DDC, too. (Operative word--"was")

I'm sorry you lost your baby. And, I'm sorry that you got jerked around so much by your doc.

And, yeah, this isn't the greatest holiday season.







It's real difficult for me not to make people uncomfortable when they ask what I want for Christmas.

As for your dh--screw it. You need to wallow. If he doesn't "get it" then too bad. I you don't grieve now, and properly, your head will screw with you later and for a much longer duration of time. (I personally have had a "wallowing" playlist going for the last week or so. I'm gonna get all the crying I can out NOW, so that I can start again without feeling truncated.)


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## leavemealone (Feb 16, 2005)

Sorry for your loss. I m/c last week so I can understand some of the feelings you are having and I agree that losing a baby this time of year is awful.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)




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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm very sorry for your loss, mama.







I have been down the infertility road, only to lose Reagan at 37 weeks. It feels like a double whammy doesn't it?







And, I have the same anger that you do. Mostly my anger is directed at women who abuse their bodies while pg and go on to deliver healthy babies. I did nothing wrong and look what I got.







You're right...it's not fair. It sucks. I'm so sorry.







s


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## MiamiMami (Feb 1, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss Mama. Sending healing thoughts your way.









The exact same thing happened to my SIL, only they removed her only remaining tube. She had hope for a couple of days and then she lost her baby as well.


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## jessica_bystander (Oct 22, 2005)

Oh, I'm so sorry Mama!





























I'm crying too.







*hugs*


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## Saramomofmany (Sep 3, 2003)

Oh Mama, I'm so very sorry. I have followed your posts and was hoping to read news that the wee one was still alive inside of you. I cried when I read your post...so much pain.

I had 2 miscarriages a couple years ago, and to this day they still make my heart hurt a bit.

You are right, it doesn't seem fair that such an obviously loving mama as yourself doesn't get her baby, and one who doesn't want one, abuses hers, etc. gets one. I don't know why things like that happen...I'm sorry your husband isn't being there the way you need him to.

Try to take care of yourself. I know after my first miscarriage I was a bit of a zomby for a while. Do what you need to do to grieve and cope.

Thoughts and prayers for you,
Sara


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## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

I'm so sorry. Everyone fed me the "it wasn't meant to be" and "it's better this way" lines, too. Take all the time you need to mourn the loss of this child.

mommy to Meara (6/21/02), Raina (6/10/04), m/c (6/8/05 at 10 wks), and Baby Lovebug edd 6/16/06


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

I didn't want to lurk...

Just know that my heart hurts for you... and I understand more that I could ever want to what you must be going through...
I'm so sorry you had to experience this.


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Life IS NOT fair; I lost my first born son at 2 days old to a rare genetic disorder. I see all of these awful people having kids, abusing kids, neglecting kids...it makes no sense. My husband and I are good people who just wanted to be parents! It sounds like your husband might be in denial. He probably can't completely accept the loss, so he is trying to justify it. It might be good to get some books on grieving for him (when you are ready). Take good care of yourself.









- Brooke, mom to Quinn 10/14/05-10/15/05


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