# Children shy or scared around grandparents



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Anyone else's children shy or take a long time to warm up to grandparents? My child doesn't see grandparents very often, and so is very shy, plays strange, or takes a very long time to warm up to grandparents.


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## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

My child too, she has never seen them very often (once every 6 months or so) and she's just not that happy around them.

She's getting better with my Mum now since we moved in with them but its taken her about a month LOL. She just takes her time getting to know people.


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## lizabird (Jan 19, 2004)

When my ds was around 2 he would cry and cling to me whenever his grandma came close. It was pretty embarrasing because she felt so bad that he didn't "like" her. Then she moved close by and he sees her every week (rather than just 2 or 3 times a year) and he's very affectionate and enjoys her company (he's 4 now).

I remember not liking to be around my grandparents when I was a kid. I only saw them once a year, at most, and I always felt really uncomfortable around them.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Mine do ok w/ my parents & dh's parents but dd is very shy and doesn't warm up easily to my grandparents. She's met my grandmother a few times, so she's ok with her, but she's quiet and observant around my grandfather. She met him for the first time last December.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roxswood* 
My child too, she has never seen them very often (once every 6 months or so) and she's just not that happy around them.

She's getting better with my Mum now since we moved in with them but its taken her about a month LOL. She just takes her time getting to know people.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *lizabird* 
When my ds was around 2 he would cry and cling to me whenever his grandma came close. It was pretty embarrasing because she felt so bad that he didn't "like" her. Then she moved close by and he sees her every week (rather than just 2 or 3 times a year) and he's very affectionate and enjoys her company (he's 4 now).

I remember not liking to be around my grandparents when I was a kid. I only saw them once a year, at most, and I always felt really uncomfortable around them.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
Mine do ok w/ my parents & dh's parents but dd is very shy and doesn't warm up easily to my grandparents. She's met my grandmother a few times, so she's ok with her, but she's quiet and observant around my grandfather. She met him for the first time last December.


Thank you for the replies.







I know my DC is shy and strange around grandparents because they just don't see each other very often...maybe every couple of months, a couple of times per year. I think for little kids, especially, they need to see people more frequently than that to remember them and warm up to them.


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

I don't know how hold your children are, but we had this problem when we lived far away from family. It took the first day of any visit to warm up, then if the visit was short it was really heartbreaking because they'd leave just as the kids finally got used to them.

I made my kids a family photo book - very simple, I took lots of pictures one christmas when I saw everyone and printed out their pictures, one page would be Grandma with 'My Grandma' underneath, the next page was DD with her Grandma and said 'My Grandma and me' - and I put us in it too, so it had us, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (she only had 2 cousins, 3 uncles and 1 aunt) I had it laminated (because she was only 10 months old when I made it) and spiral bound. We would read it all the time. She loved this book and they still do when they find it in their toy chest or whatever. If I did it again, I wouldn't put the pictures of her and the other person since it made the book really long and the pictures were of her as a baby, so it doesn't apply to DS, etc. But it helped a lot I thought with the shyness and getting to know them, etc.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

My dd's grandparents live 3 thousand miles away and she sees them generally only once a year. She sees her grandma on occasion a couple of times a year, but Grandpa only at Christmas.

Oddly enough, she warms up to Grandpa much sooner than grandma







:


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## sophiesgrandma (Jun 22, 2006)

OK, I am a grandma who lives in NJ and my granddaughter live in OR. We see her about every 3-6 months. I was there the day after she was born and spent 1 month + with her. We bonded very well. My husband (her grandfather) was there for 2 weeks.
Her mother (my daughter) takes lots of photos and when we are apart shows her the photos and they talk about grandma and grandpa and uncles, etc.
When we get together I and my husband do not push ourselves on her or overwhelm her with our love. (which is considerable) We simply say hello and smile until she shows signs of wanting to come closer.
Of course it takes a great deal of restraint because we love her and want to hold her and play with her so much. After a short while, she warms up to us on her own and we're all one happy family once again.
Try not to rush the child. Take her cues and relax. Make eye contact and smile. NEVER push yourself on the child.
Our sweet granddaughter wil be arriving in NJ on 12/26. We will take our cues from mother and daughter and before we know it we will all be friends again.
Create an album of each visit and then show it to the child between visits.
I hope this helps.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

We live close to family, and my DDs were both very slow to warm up to their grandpas, especially. Even when we saw them on a regular basis, my girls were hesitant around men. My older DD was 4.5 or 5 by the time she really became comfortable with her grandpa. My almost 4yo DD still isn't entirely comfortable.

We don't push the issue, and they usually warm up after a half hour or so.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiesgrandma* 
OK, I am a grandma who lives in NJ and my granddaughter live in OR. We see her about every 3-6 months. I was there the day after she was born and spent 1 month + with her. We bonded very well. My husband (her grandfather) was there for 2 weeks.
Her mother (my daughter) takes lots of photos and when we are apart shows her the photos and they talk about grandma and grandpa and uncles, etc.
When we get together I and my husband do not push ourselves on her or overwhelm her with our love. (which is considerable) We simply say hello and smile until she shows signs of wanting to come closer.
Of course it takes a great deal of restraint because we love her and want to hold her and play with her so much. After a short while, she warms up to us on her own and we're all one happy family once again.
Try not to rush the child. Take her cues and relax. Make eye contact and smile. NEVER push yourself on the child.
Our sweet granddaughter wil be arriving in NJ on 12/26. We will take our cues from mother and daughter and before we know it we will all be friends again.
Create an album of each visit and then show it to the child between visits.
I hope this helps.


Thanks so much!









Wow! That's wonderful that you live on the opposite side of the country, but still see your grandchildren so often! Good for you!


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiesgrandma* 
I was there the day after she was born and spent 1 month + with her. We bonded very well. My husband (her grandfather) was there for 2 weeks.

That is just so wonderful! How sweet of you guys to do that. I'm sure you were very helpful.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mightymoo* 
It took the first day of any visit to warm up, then if the visit was short it was really heartbreaking because they'd leave just as the kids finally got used to them.


















:

I hear what you're saying. I think it takes about a day for a child to warm up to an adult who is not their parent or who they do not see often.

In the case of my child's grandparents, they see each other maybe a few times per year, every couple of months. The visits usually only last a few hours so my child doesn't really remember who they are and just as they're warming up to each other, it's time for goodbyes.










You're right...it is heartbreaking in a way, but there's not much that can be done about it.


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

Dd doesn't see MIL that often....and when we do go overthere, she just sits in a chair and talks to them (i have a sd too who will be 8 soon) about god and the bible and that's it....

Dp mentioned her the other day (she just had knee surgery) and dd thought he meant we were all going to the hospital to see her and she freaked out...."I don't like your grandma daddy.....I like mommy's grandma"...and he didn't handle that the right way (not going to go into it here bc that's not what the thread is about)....I told him that at her age, she doesn't understand and we don't see her very often....

My mom is the typical (well, in my life) grandmother.....bakes with her, takes her window shopping when we ago out, takes her to the thrift store to pick out trinkets for me and her baby sister.......reads her stories, colors, etc.......

We used to see MIL twice a week but BIL and his family moved in and are freeloading (another post for another time) and it's very uncomfortable there right now.

It is heartbreaking to hear her say things like that to daddy but there really isn't much I can do about it...she just doesn't see grandma that often anymore and hasn't really gotten the chance to know her. MIL is very religous and not a warm person to begin with......

I wish it wasn't like that but I figure as she gets older and understands more it won't be like that.....I hope it won't be like that.

And we just do the best we can do when we are there. We live about 30 minutes from each of them.

Dp's father died when he was 16 so there is no grandfather on that side and I haven't seen my dad since I was 15 so there really isn't one there....

We have taken her to Florida (2 years ago) to meet her great-grandmother on my dad's side (who is NOT a warm person but is great to grandchildren) and she warmed up to her almost immeidatly....Grandpa on that side died when she was 4wks old.

Greatgrandma on mom's side died when she was 3wks old but she'll never remember meeting her..I have those pictures in her baby book and she kisses it at least once a week...

So I don't know what it is really about MIL........maybe the fact that she just sits in the chair the whole time we are there (not for disablity reasons...just does...)

I think they will all warm up when they are ready.....some just take longer than others.......


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

DS (4.5) is a very reserved child. He is particularly slow to warm to the elderly (those with white beards simply freak him out). I can recall a time when we were seated at my IL's dinner table just before DS turned 2 (or maybe it was three), and FIL (who has white facial hair usually) raised his voice to my son for tapping his fork on the table like a drum. DH and I were saying something to the effect of, "Yeah, it's like a drum, isn't it?" to DS, but FIL clearly wasn't appreciating the musical talents of his grandson







. After that experience, DS has been fairly guarded around FIL. And, it seems to have spread to most elderly people with white hair.

I think, in general, those older people we know and come into contact with are a bit loud and overbearing at times...comments like, "I'm not gonna bite," and, "You're not gonna give Great Grandma a hug??" coming from a larger and strange face are amazingly intimidating to a little one. I know first hand. I can remember quite vividly some of the scarier faces I came in contact with as a kid (also very reserved then).
DH and I do what we can to help our children feel secure, and not feel ashamed or scared. There have been a couple of overtly awkward situations b/w ourselves and family we weren't comfortable around where we simply ducked out as a family knowing it wouldn't be a safe environment for the kids. Those have been visibly stressful to the kids and we feel badly to have done that to them, but it might have been even more uncomfortable to have stayed and sat through the uneasiness that occurs b/w estranged family.

I think the best we can do as parents is allow our DC to feel what they feel and support and validate those feelings. We never really use the word "shy", though extended family has and DS will use it when he needs to explain why he doesn't want to be somewhere. We tend to spend some extra time with our kids when we first arrive somewhere, talking about how they are feeling, asking if they are ready for mommy and Daddy to leave them with so and so to play, even quietly reminding those we vist (or who visit us) to please allow DS a bit more time before striking up a conversation. It has become a lot less stressful for him as he has developed more confidence in his own social skills (he's 4.5), and he knows it is absolutely fine if he chooses to sit with Daddy or I as long as he needs to to feel safe and comfortable.


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## sophiesgrandma (Jun 22, 2006)

Thank-you for your kind words Spring Flower. Yes we feel so fortunate to be able to see Sophia and her mom so often. Family means so much. I also love to see video of Sophia and "talk" to her on the phone. She loves it when I sing to her.
Its important to tell the grandparents things that may bother your child like overly aggressive hugging or kissing. The child will want to make friends faster if not overwhelmed or made to feel as if she/he has not control over the situation. It is scary for the child sometimes.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiesgrandma* 
Thank-you for your kind words Spring Flower. Yes we feel so fortunate to be able to see Sophia and her mom so often. Family means so much. I also love to see video of Sophia and "talk" to her on the phone. She loves it when I sing to her.
Its important to tell the grandparents things that may bother your child like overly aggressive hugging or kissing. The child will want to make friends faster if not overwhelmed or made to feel as if she/he has not control over the situation. It is scary for the child sometimes.

How wonderful that you have such interest in being part of your grandchild's life. That's so great.









My DC's grandparents (on both sides) are very good about not overwhelming DC with hugging or kissing. They really do respect personal space, especially when DC is shy or scared. They're good about that.

DC has spent so little time with the grandparents, however, and while I understand why on one side of the family, I just can't figure out why for the other side of the family. It's kind of confounding...oh well. I expected a more active role from the grandparents, but there are blessings to be found in everything, even the disappointments in life.


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