# ACK!!! Toddler grabbing, pinching, biting!!



## Sisyphus (Mar 26, 2003)

My ds is almost 16 months old and since he could make his body do what he wanted it to, he's been making his point by pinching, hitting, grabbing and, when he's teething, biting.

He has a REALLY short fuse and gets frustrated VERY easily (gee, wonder where he got that from?????) so, for instance, if he comes to me and gives me the sign for nurse and I don't IMMEDIATELY put him on (i.e. I'm going to the bathroom or I'm knitting and want to finish the row first... stuff that takes literally a minute or two to finish before taking care of him) he grabs a handful of my skin (legs, arms, boobs, face - whatever is nearest) and squeezes, pinches or hits me... if (and only when) he's teething, he will bite (which I understand is from his pain).

He does this to me, my dh and my 4 yo son.... none of us are amused. What I have been doing is releasing his grip (which is quite strong, I must say) and saying firmly, "hands are for gentle touch" and model gentle touch by stroking him and then taking his hand and stroking my arm with his hand... however, nine times out of ten, he then grabs me and pinches or hits again... so I repeat myself firmly with a hurt expression "that HURTS mommy (or daddy or brother), we use gentle touch in our family" and model again on him. I've also tried telling him "No hurting, gentle touches only" and putting him down and walking a few feet away (but I feel like I'm "punishing" him by "removing" my "love"... does that make sense?). He also reacts to me removing his hands, etc. by laughing at me (which at first made me really angry until I realized that he really doesn't comprehend what he's doing on many levels).

This has gone on for months now and it seems to be getting worse, not better, so I'm not quite sure where to go from here. We do not hit EVER in our family (whether spanking or during roughhousing, etc.) and both dh and I work on GD daily.

I know that sometimes he is probably frustrated that he's unable to do something he wants to do (but is physically unable to yet), but most often, in reality, it is when he doesn't get his way... whether that is being nursed immediately when he wants it or that his brother won't give him the toy he's playing with at the moment.

I'm tired of the three of us being black and blue. I'm confused and I really want to do the right thing. Frankly, I'm almost afraid to take him to playgroups for fear he will hit, pinch and bite the other kids (although, now that I wrote that I realize that I take him to the gym with me every day and he's in the daycare there for the hour or so that I work out, and he's only ever hit a kid once... and that was when the particular kid grabbed him first, so he swatted at the kid... interesting that he apparently doesn't exhibit this behavior there...) aargh!!! So that tells me it's something I'm doing (or not doing) at home! HELP!!!

Thank you!

Lo

P.S. I did a search on biting and hitting and didn't really come up with anything specific enough... there were about four million posts!


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## Sisyphus (Mar 26, 2003)

WOW! No advice?? Yikes!

Lo


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## thistle (Aug 10, 2002)

This might sound odd, but I would try giving him more of a natural consequence. When he pinches/bites say "OUCH!!!" as loudly as seems natural and then "that hurts mommy" My dd was really bad about biting when teething and will still occasionally pinch when wound up. It does take a while for them to get it. Since the basis for my parenting is honesty, I try to be honest in my reactions to her actions.


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## Konur's Mom (Jun 28, 2002)

i would suggest giving him a ton of positive attention when he is being gentle and using gentle hands and using key words like "gentle hands" when you are praising him. when my ds went througth this, we did that and would take his hand and have him touch gently and say "good gentle hands, konur" and change what we were doing at that point. if we didnt change, he did it again right away. we also looked at when he was most likely tob do this kind of thing and found for him it was tired or hungry or over stimulated.

hth


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## wombat (Nov 3, 2002)

"but most often, in reality, it is when he doesn't get his way... whether that is being nursed immediately when he wants it or that his brother won't give him the toy he's playing with at the moment."

At this age toddlers live in the present, they don't have a concept of waiting for something so it's pretty normal to get frustrated if they can't have what they want immediately. It's how they deal with the frustration that's the issue.

My 18mo pinches, slaps, bites, hits us when she's frustrated. I did like you did and had limited success. I think because she is FRUSTRATED, she's telling me she wants something and I'm not responding hence her frustration. and she doesn't know how to express her frustration. So now when she wants to nurse (for example), and I'm doing something, I say things like "yes (name) wants to nurse, I know you want to nurse, mama's gonna nurse you in a minute....". And I keep repeating this until I'm ready to nurse her. My idea is she should feel she's been understood. It doesn't work everytime but it certainly helps. It also helps when she's in the carseat and doesn't want to be - I talk her through 'yes we'll be home soon, and Pooh is there, and Ollie Owl and Big Bird and Clifford the Dog... (all her fave toys) and we'll find Pooh and then we'll nurse and then...." It engages her and she'll repeat 'Pooh' and 'Ollie' and presumably start thinking about them. They're her attachment objects at the moment. It seems to comfort her a lot. It just takes a lot of talking from me to keep her engaged. So this technique doesn't work when it's a phone call you're trying to make


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## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Konur's Mom*
when my ds went througth this, we did that and would take his hand and have him touch gently and say "good gentle hands, konur" and change what we were doing at that point. if we didnt change, he did it again right away. we also looked at when he was most likely tob do this kind of thing and found for him it was tired or hungry or over stimulated.

This is exactly what seems to work for us. When this first came up, I'd do the "gentle touch" modeling and kind of just sit there and I think I was actually waiting for her to say, "Oh, yeah, mom. I get it now. GENTLE touch! Thank you for teaching me that!"







It didn't work at all, but it didn't take long for me to figure that out. Now I use only two or three words and we RELOCATE immediately. I don't punish her. I don't stop playing with her. I don't ignore her. We just immediately engage in something else. It really works. And most of the time I can see that it's simply a Tired, Hungry or Bored person I'm dealing with, and we take care of whatever it may be.


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## allbrightmama (Aug 8, 2004)

We use the same method of talking ds through the waiting period (while trying to keep the waiting as short as possible) that Wombat suggested. It usually works beautifully.
Ds has also created his own physical expression of frustration. He does a yoga pose. In yoga for kids we called it peeing downward dog. It really seems to help him. Maybe your dc would benefit from learning a physical expression of frustration that is not hurtful? Some kids just seem to feel strongly with their whole bodies.


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## Sisyphus (Mar 26, 2003)

Hi again,

Sorry I haven't replied until now... boys and I were both sick...

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies. I have tried talking him through the frustration... but he goes from fine to biting/pinching/hitting so quickly, that often, I can't get words out fast enough, does that make sense?? Even when I do, it honestly doesn't seem to "click" for him. I *really* like the idea of having a physical outlet (i.e. pose LOL!!) for expressing frustration. I will start to work on that with him tomorrow... he *does* have quite a few signs (hungry, nurse, sleepy, again, more, stop, finished, etc.) and he's very adept at making his needs known ;-)

Thanks again, and I'll keep you updated on how things go with him









Lo


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## veganbaby (Oct 28, 2004)

Bumping this up because I need some advice. Only I don't know why DD is pinching. She kept pinching her playdate today (he is 6 months, she is 18 months). She would throw toys at him too. And hit him on the head.

Today I just redirecting her with the toys. Telling her where she can put the toys. For hitting and pinching I would model soft touches. It didn't seem to work today. She kept heading over to the baby. She plays with him every week and is usually gentle. What else can I do? I don't know if she was jealous today, frustrated, wanting to play with him but not knowing how....


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## snugg_bug (Nov 21, 2005)

Actually somebody else mentioned this but the loud "ouch" is what I've always heard to do. Now somebody might lamb baste me for saying this, but it has been noted through some studies. When pups (yes puppies) are in a litter together, they play bite. But they only learn that the biting is painful to their pup mates when they yelp. And they say if you have a biting puppy to also scream "ouch"...I know, I know, we have children here, not animals! Anyways, the first few times I did it, DS cried, and for sure he did because it really startled him. However, he does not assiciate biting and pain. Someone once mentioned to me that I should try biting him - I don't like that option personally (he's not a cheesburger). Now, I still "ouch" but not loud. And then I reiterate to him that "that really hurt, that really hurt". He's only 14 months old, so I have to keep at it and hopefully in the long run he'll get it. DS only bites though when he is really tired and ready for sleep.


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## veganbaby (Oct 28, 2004)

Does anyone have other advice?


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