# Looking for age appropriate expectations for toddlers/preschoolers...



## quaz (May 24, 2005)

So, I personally think part of what makes dealing with toddlers/preschoolers hard is that our expectations of them are out of whack.

Our kids have always had great receptive langage skills. B/c of that I find dh/I often 'forget' their age and expect more than is behaviorally appropriate. This is what leads to frustration/anger.

So, I'm hoping by identifying age appropriate behaviour, that will help stop this cycle.

So, for a two year old... it's quite age appropriate if we ask dd to come by us, for her to run the other direction. That one I understand, and just help her back... dh has a hard time with that one b/c she understands, but doesn't listen.

Anyway, I tried searching the internet, and couldn't find what I was looking for. I was hoping ya guys would know or at least be able to help define some age appropriate behavior for this age range.

thx
Tammy


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I hear ya - that darn impulse control doesn't begin to kick in until at least 3, huh, and even then isn't reliable until long after that.....

I asked this very question a long while ago; here's a link to the replies I got, with some very useful sites!!

Thread


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I really have enjoyed the child development series by Ames and Ilg. It's been a long time since I've looked at them (but I should do so today!!!), but from what I remember, their books are a fabulous resource! I remember thinking, Oh, THAT'S what that's all about


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I tried to find you some info, but I got frustrated. Everything I found talked about disciplining age appropriately, or "teaching" your child age appropriate behaviors.







:

Keep in mind that any scale you find is subjective. Like with crawling and walking, each child develops in her own way and by her own time table. Some learn impulse control faster than others. Some adults I know still don't have it!

I know what you mean by expecting more than the age, though. Our oldest was very verbal at a young age. She spoke in full sentences before she could walk. (this used to freak people out in the grocery store) I would have to tell myself, she's only (18 mos, or 2, or whatever), so don't be such a bitch, mommy! We would honestly forget how little she was because she could speak and express herself so well.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I come from the philosophy that it is more useful to understand the *underlyling needs* which fuel behaviors than merely focusing on the behaviors and applying external expectations (no matter how "age appropriate" a bunch of people agree they are). For instance, if I merely look at the fact that my car won't run, even though I put the keys in the ignition and *expect* it to run because it is only 5 years old, this doesn't help address changing the behavior of the car.







I need to understand 'what does the car need to run smoothly?'

I find the HALT theory to be useful in understanding the underlying needs. Behaviors are just messages about an unmet need. Here is a recent thread about using the HALT theory: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, for identifying and meeting both your child's needs and *your* needs. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=halt

Pat


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I agree with Scubamama's philosophy.

You could find a list of developmentally appropriate behaviors and apply them to your child, but every child is different, and if your child is not complying with what is supposed to be developmentally appropriate at her age, won't you still get just as frustrated?

I think its better to let go of expectations around a child's behavior and just accept them where they are at. That doesn't mean you wouldn't work to teach them more appropriate behaviors and stuff, but it might mean because you don't hold specific expectations in your head ("She shouldn't be doing this, by god, she knows better!") that you won't feel as frustrated ("Okay, last week she knew not to hit the dog; this week she doesn't; I wonder what need she's trying to meet here").


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## Happygrl6 (May 3, 2005)

I've been looking for similar websites/books! Thanks for starting this thread.

While I agree with the previous two posters, I also like having an idea of whether a certain expectation is even reasonable. In my adult years, I've not been around many babes except ones younger than my DD, so it is hard for me to always know whether an expecation is even possible at her age (DH has been around even fewer). Once I know what I'm dealing with in that arena, its much easier for me to focus on the underlying need.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happygrl6*
I've been looking for similar websites/books! Thanks for starting this thread.

While I agree with the previous two posters, I also like having an idea of whether a certain expectation is even reasonable. In my adult years, I've not been around many babes except ones younger than my DD, so it is hard for me to always know whether an expecation is even possible at her age (DH has been around even fewer). Once I know what I'm dealing with in that arena, its much easier for me to focus on the underlying need.

Yep, me too - while I totally know that every child is different and the developmental schedules are just "guidelines", having been an only child, only neice, only grandchild, and never babysat in my life, I felt like I needed SOMETHING to start with to know if I was expecting too much from my little one or not (and it turns out sometimes I was)!! I always take his individual personality into consideration when reading developmental sites, and find that he's "ahead" on some things, and "behind" on others, and that's A-OK with me! It's just nice to have something to have as a guideline for how their little brains and bodies are growing and maturing


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

In general, I'd recommend to stay away from these guidelines. It's like if a stat says your kid should do X when they are 3, on Jan. 19th the shouldn't be able to, but on the 20th, their birthday, they can. I think a lot of mainstream moms who spend their lives comparing end up in this unhealthy mindset.

You may be that lucky mother that has a kid who listens to you from day one, doesn't complain when you're 1 hour late breastfeeding, is fine if you cancel plans to go to the park, and sits quietly at every meal. But that's not very realistic. My dd, who is 4 in a couple of weeks *STILL* won't stop when she is approaching a dangerous situation and told to stop. She has had me running full tilt to get to her more than once. Now I know that I have to hold her hand EVERY SINGLE TIME we are near traffic. I don't really know the "statistics", but I'm sure she has other, less dangerous quirks that the stats say should be gone at this age. She also is probably ahead of the stats on some things.

Just go with your heart and know that your kids are never going to be textbook. I think you're heading the right direction but I'd totally throw out anything other than the feedback you get from your kids.


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## tekslilbrat (Jan 17, 2006)

I have come to the anything goes with toddlers because of the differences in development. I have a 20 month old who is smart as a whip, hates to talk(but we know he can) and just does his own thing. I also worked in child care with toddlers for a number of years and in that setting you do have to have the anything goes philosophy with alot of redirection so I try to remember that with my lil guy. I steer him away from things I don't want him to do and try to interest him in other things. If he runs when I call him I get him and reinforce that mommy wants to see him and use a firm no when the redirection doesn;t work and goes back to whatever it is I directed hom away from. I have a pellet stove and this was a big issue when wintercame because he was facinated by it all summer when it was off so I just kept telling him no, hot, boo boo's and now he stays back and says hot,ouch or pushes the older kids away and tells them no. I am glad the persistence worked with that one.


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## Quillian (Mar 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia*
I really have enjoyed the child development series by Ames and Ilg. It's been a long time since I've looked at them (but I should do so today!!!), but from what I remember, their books are a fabulous resource! I remember thinking, Oh, THAT'S what that's all about

















I agree I found this series very helpful for developmental information,the discipline info and Q & A at the end of each book was quite dated and useless for me though.

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASI...013568-1929647


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

ITA







Thanks for pointing that out!


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