# Anyone have parents that don't show much interest in your kids?



## julesdsm (Aug 18, 2008)

i keep reading posts about grandparents that are possessive of the kids, or over enthusiastic with presents.

My mom is the exact opposite. She was there at my birth and seemed really excited about the baby before he was born, but now that he is here she just doesn't seem all that interested in him. Ds is 10 monthes now. I used to go to her house every week but i haven't so much now because I feel kinda hurt by how distant she is from Ds. When I'm there she almost never asks to pick him, she typically only holds him for a couple minutes if i ask her to while I'm in the bathroom or something. She doesn't ask what he's been doing, doesn't get happy or excited over any of his milestones. She bought him one toy when he was about three monthes old and thats it. Not that I care for material things but it seems odd to me. Sometimes she'll come by to pick up or drop something and the baby will be sitting on the floor and she doesn't even knowledge him.

Her brother was staying at their home a few monthes ago with his 11 month old and she was constantly holding his baby, bathing, feeding him. My other uncle has a 7 month old girl and she always talks about how cute she is, and when we're at family gatherings she holds his baby all the time.

When I was pregnant we all thought he was going to be a girl and she seemd so excited. Went to appointments with me, bought clothes, blankets, etc. But after he was born she's been so distant from him. I feel really hurt and confused about it. Even my inlaws whom I'm not big fans, and were not happy about me being pregnant, seem to love him more.

Btw, my realtionship with my mom has always been pretty good. She has always been my best friend, but we've been not quite so close since I got married.

Should I say something to her about it? If yes, what? Any one else deal with this?


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## Baby_Cakes (Jan 14, 2008)

Me!

I have such a long story, but to make it short my mother and my family aren't interested in my DD. It's hurtful and makes me so incredibly angry. With the holidays coming, I've made a decision not to visit with them this year. I have to, for my own emotional and mental health, as well as for DD.

My own feelings are this - true family calls you and asks how you are and if you need help. Family offers help without you having to ask for it. Family is interested, wants to hear what is going on, and wants to be part of the day to day. Family wants to hold babies, play w/babies, ask about milestones and laugh about things with you. They make you feel special and important. They offer advice, stories, and keep you up to date in their own life, too.

Since you and your mother used to be close, maybe you should bring up your feelings with her. Maybe just ask her if there's anything going on that you should know b/c you sense some distance b/w you since XYZ. Maybe it would help.


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

Wouldn't have hurt too much if they wouldn't have fawned and over indulged my sister's kids though..I learned to get over it cause it never changed..My son though never got over it...He is grown and is still a bit resentful about it.

Yeah..I see the threads where parents complain about too much grandparent involvement and giftgiving and just shake my head...I would have loved for my son to recieve that kind of love and devotion..Espesially since my sisters kids did recieve tons of gifts all the time and they never included my son and thought he just wouldn't notice..Whatever..:irke

Oh well each to their own.

I don't know your mom so I can't say what to do but I tried talking to my parents about it years ago ...How hurtful and not nice it was..But they were in denial and made tons of excuses and nothing ever changed..You could try talking to your mom about it but you never know how they will react..Could be something wonderful will happen..But talk to her if you are comfortable doing that..

It still hurts though doesn't it?









Hugs to you...I know how you feel..


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

How horrible for all of you







. OP I'd ask your mom what's going on, especially since you said that you and she have a decent relationship. I don't understand family that does this. Do they think kids are dumb, watching their cousins get treated kinder, receiving gift, etc? I'm peeved and it's not even my sitch


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## Beating Earth (Mar 2, 2006)

My mom and I do not have a good relationshop and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I called to tell her I was preg with her first GC and then never heard from her. She has only seen DD twice in her 2.5 years and that was because we went to them.
I have since given up on them and plan on not even telling them when this next little one is born. It's their choice not to be involved.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

My parents and inlaws live 16 hours away. My parents are always all excited to see him on webcam, pics, etc. but every time we go to visit (because they are begging us to) they barely do anything with him. For instance, last time we went, he had just started walking, so I assumed my mom would watch him if I left the room. No, she sat on her laptop while he walked around and then fell down, so I couldn't leave him alone with her!
My inlaws acted all excited when I was pregnant and have visited a couple of times and been all excited-but then they never call, do webcam, or even look at the blog I set up for the grandparents!
It's annoying.


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## honey-lilac (Jun 30, 2009)

It goes back and forth with my mom. She was really involved with DS, to the point where when I was pregnant with him she kept trying to get me to leave my husband to go live with her so we can raise him again. That she'd do all the work. I think the best time of her life was when I was a little kid and she wanted to re-live that.

I felt a strong need to distance our family and establish boundaries with her. Perhaps that backfired a bit. DS turned out to have special needs and although she always offered to help, the couple of times I took her up on it she basically told me how much of a hassle it was. Like, she invited us over "to rest" - so I drove three hours to her house (when I was really ill) so she could help out with DS, who was like maybe 4 months at the time. He cried too much (colicky) so she basically sent us home. Or she offered to take him for a few days so DH and I could go on a short vacation (we took DD with us as she was still nursing). She was SO looking forward to their time together but once it happened, she totally just complained about how difficult it was and how she's tired now and etc. Like, yeah, I know, try two of them on a permanent basis, never mind one for a couple of days.







She hasn't really shown too much interest since then.

What hurt more was that she totally disregards DD. She will always send both of them something (like two of the same present usually) but other than that she is just not at all interested in her. DD is a bit of a mama's girl and she gets scared of strangers easily. One morning my mother surprised her and she started crying because it was the first thing in the morning and she wasn't expecting to see anyone but me. (Plus she'd seen my mom like three times total in her life, so she was practically brand new.) My mom actually got an attitude and said something like, "Fine, I don't want to see your face either." And then proceeded to ignore her for the rest of the visit. Like, huh? It's a one year old, and you're holding a grudge with her?!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

My mom is super involved, but my in-laws are much the way you describe your mother being. They will come visit under the pretense of coming to see the kids, but once they get here, they only seem interested in talking to us (me & DH) and don't really even acknowledge the kids much. It's very odd. From what DH tells me about his childhood, he & his siblings were basically sent to play outside very early in the morning and weren't allowed back in the house until dark except for meals... so I'm thinking my in-laws aren't "kid people." It's really bizarre that your mom takes on over other babies, though. Maybe her personality & your DS's don't mesh well? Or maybe she's having a hard time seeing you have a relationship with your own child and not totally depend on her anymore? I'm sorry. It sucks.


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## ShannonT (Dec 6, 2007)

Neither my parents or my ILs seem to care much about DD. We all live within about 15 minutes of each other, so distance isn't an issue!

My ILs only know one of their 5 grandchildren. My MIL didn't come to any baby showers for me or my SILs. When she was healthier, she'd watch my nephew, or take him places with my FIL -- for like the day. Other than a couple hours the last 2 Christmases, they've only seen her for a few minutes at a time every few months. They also didn't come to her baptism or birthday parties (mostly b/c other relatives they don't like were invited.







)

My parents don't ever call or come over either, and my mom used to watch my niece and nephew a few times a week, for the whole day! She's always "working" -- she runs my sister's old HS's kitchen for bingo on weekends. My sis graduated in 2000....there's really no reason that she still needs to be doing it. Except they tell her how much they need her.







She skipped out on DD's baptism as well.

It really sucks, and although both grandmas are a bit crazy, you think they'd want to know their beautiful and fun and sweet granddaughter.


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

My parents are off doing their own thing 'spending my inheritance' they say. Traveling and such, I had my first son at 40, and they never expected grandchildren as I am an only child. They have been supportive and I know they love my 2 boys, but they don't call or email or seem interested when I reach out to them.

They were here for my oldest son's birth but it was old hat when my second came. They DONT want sleepovers or grandpa/grandma time alone with them.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Yes, we're in that situation here. Fortunately it is only one of the four grandparents- my mother- who is uninvolved. My Dad and IL's are very interested and engaged. But it is still hard. My mother doesn't call, rarely emails, rarely visits, expects us to always go to her, and then only a few times a year, doesn't send cards, doesn't ask about milestones, etc...

My older child will soon start noticing this and I haven't figured out how to explain it to her. As a child I was devastated by my mother's lack of involvement and interest in my life (despite living in the same house) and I worry about my children going through this too.

No words of wisdom here, just know you're not alone.


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## Zan&Zav (Nov 25, 2006)

yup same boat. falls all over my 3 of my brothers kids. (he has 4, with differant woman)one of his is ignored







its a shame. i just dont question it now.


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## curiouscanadian (Aug 28, 2009)

It's not so much that my dad & SM aren't interested, but they certainly aren't willing to make as much effort as the other two sets of grandparents. Like we asked them to babysit for an evening during the week, and they said if we drop DS off & pick him up again... um, yeah, it's a 40min. drive each way, we'd spend more time driving than at the movie...

BUT then my dad gets upset when Eric is shy around him but absolutely adores my mom (who lives 45 minutes away but makes an effort to see him at least once a week). What d'you expect??









Particularly after other posts on here I've decided to be grateful they're pretty balanced grandparents. I also thought about it a bit and realized that they don't really babysit for my SM's kids much either, so at least it's not lopsided.

We still see them, but not as much as they'd like and I'm so past the guilt and disapointment. If they want a closer relationship, they know where to find us!


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Do you think it's because she prefers girl babies? I know lots of people who act like that, fawning over girls and ignoring boys. I think our culture makes it easier to adore girls, since they are seen as pretty objects, and sort of sets boys up to be boring when babies. Of course, it's all total bunk and it's terrible to treat your son like that. I'm sorry!


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

my mil was so excited when i was pregnant, but she never visits and she lives 10 min away. shes dissappointed because i wont let her babysit. hello! bf'ing in progress! and they have a gazillion cats in their house to boot.


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## Hedgehog Mtn (Jan 14, 2008)

My ILs were crazy about DS now 9. They spent tons of money on him....flew here to see him often and he was part of the reason they moved back here. I got prego w/#2 and there were less than excited. Right before I knew I was expecting #3 MIL said to my SIL "I really want another grandbaby" then she turned to me and said "but no more from you, you've had enough" funny thing I found out about #4 a week later. They want to take DS on trips and vacations but will not take any of the others....won't even take any of the others apple picking even though we argue every summer about why I won't let them take DS away for a week at a time.

I really can't come up with any reason WHY they wish I only had one. 8 years after he was born the only other grandchild was born to SIL and they now devote everything to mainly her....fine with me because now I don't have to constantly explain to the other kids why they only want DS1.

Oh and it's not a boy thing because I have 3 boys and they don't pay any more attention to the younger 2 than they do DD.

In the few times I've needed a sitter they've said "we will take DS1 if it helps" but that would leave me finding someone else for the other kids. I don't really have a back up because we've used sitters maybe 3 or 4 times in 9 years, when they won't do it I am usually stuck in a real bind :-(


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## ShannonT (Dec 6, 2007)

My mom only really pays attention to the boys. Especially the oldest.

My nieces and my DD get ignored and pushed aside when we're all together. When we were at her house for a b-day party when DD was a baby (maybe 8 months old?) she insisted she take her from me while she was playing with my nephew. What did she do with her? Put her in an exersaucer and ignored her.







I heard her crying and had to rescue her.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

My parents (well, now just my dad since my mom died) pay almost no attention to my children. I am the youngest of 10 children (through multiple marriages, my "dad" is my stepdad) so the grandkids were all pretty old news when mine came along. It was so bad when my DS was born, my parents didn't even know his name for years. My parents don't know when my children's birthdays are, they might mention me buying something for them using their credit card for Christmas, if I mention a birthday has passed (when talking on the phone) my kids might get a check for $20. I've sent them updates on our family, pics of the kids everytime we've had them taken or anytime there's a cute one, but still almost a complete lack of interest. Granted, we do live pretty far away. . .my parents lived in FL and we've lived in Vegas, Utah, NC, and now Japan but I wish there was some interest. Perhaps part of it was my mom having dementia for the last 4 years and my dad just isn't as interested? But I think if that were true they would have had more to do with the other grandkids, but they haven't really. My brother who's 4 years older than me would send 2 of his kids to my parents for a month during the summers but my kids were never old enough to do that. Growing up, I can't remember my parents having anything to do with their grandkids except for when the my siblings would send them for a couple weeks or a month every year. . .but I don't remember phonecalls, letters, notes, buying holiday gifts or birthday gifts, ever talking about any of them at home (some of the grandkids are older than or close to my age all the way down to my DS who is now 5).


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## greenmamapagan (Jan 5, 2008)

Wow, there are some pretty uninterested grandparents around








I guess my parents aren't that bad but I do get sad that they were all (both my parents have repartnered so my kids have 4 grandparents on my side) so excited when I was pregnant with DD and fawned over her from a distance (we live in a different state) for the first year and a half or so but apart from my mother coming to help out for a week after DS was born they've all seemed completely disinterested since then.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

My dad lives close enough to visit DS yet doesn't. There are many reasons, health issues being one of them, but ultimately I just don't think he is all that interested in interacting with small children. When he calls, he always wants updates on DS, he gives DS gifts and he is excited to get pictures but that is pretty much it.

My father has a very difficult, intense personality. My parents divorced right after DS was born and I know DS's birth was part of the reason. My dad was very threatened and jealous of my mom's excitement over my pregnancies and DS's pending arrival. I remember an ugly phone call between him and my mom within hours of DS's birth.

DH and his mother never had a great relationship so her lack of interest didn't come as a surprise. She and FIL will send a card for b-day and Christmas and call a handfull of times but that is it. I used to send her pictures on a regular basis but stopped as she never said peep about them. Distance also plays into it, they live far away and never come visit.

They are, however, super involved with the other grandkids and thats ok by us. Those kids definately need them.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

With us it's the grand-dads who are less than interested.

My mom and MIL are great (as is step-FIL). We call and chat on Skype at least once a week usually, and I try to get over to Ireland to see my mom at least a couple of times a year, and she tries to get over to us at least once as well. MIL and step-FIL live about 3 hours drive away - they came up 2 weeks ago for a couple of days to help us out while we moved house and we're going down to visit them soon too.

But both DH's dad and mine are - bleh... If it weren't for step-MIL I don't think FIL would ever bother contacting us. When we go to visit him (infrequently - he's never visited us) he's happy enough to play with DD for a few minutes, but then gets bored and wants us to 'do something with her'.








He's not bad, just not a kid person and not interested.

My dad's a bit weirder though. He dotes on my cousin's two kids (she's the only one in the family apart from me who's had any children yet), especially the older one who's 9 months older than my DD (and has the same name - long story..). He raves on about this kid to me, telling me how smart and cute and etc. she is, but then seems totally underwhelmed by DD. For example, he was praising cousin's kid to the skies to me because she'd potty-trained just as she turned two, which is great. But then when my DD potty-learned a couple of months later at 18 months he couldn't give two hoots. DD is pretty smart and very cute too, but it just doesn't seem to cut it for my dad - she's always comparing unfavourably with my cousin's kid in his eyes.

I actually cried about it to my mom once - I was so sad for DD that she wouldn't have wonderful grand-dads like I did. One died when I was 3 but I still have some great memories of playing with him, and my other grand-dad is still alive and has always been my hero. But then I realised that at least DD would have a better dad than either DH or I ever had, and I think that's much more important in the long run.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Yes. My ILs show little to no interest in our boys. They traveled to Italy before they saw our first, and that was b/c we flew to see them at 6 mo. My oldest calls his GP "that man with the tie." I have some anger over it, but what can I do, he was like that with his own kids.


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## sapientia (Apr 22, 2007)

My family has no interest in my kids. Well, sort of. My mom likes to talk about how great and smart and cute they are, but she has never ever babysat, does not buy for them, never visits them. She'll come over for thanksgiving btu she has no real connection to them.

The inlaws have no interest in my kids. They say they do but they don't attempt contact, don't reciprocate when we contact them, no birthday or holiday attention (except for this past year, and it was very small and very disinterested-kinda strange) MIL is far more interested in her other grandkids, by her own admittance.

It's sad, and it breaks my heart, but they are the ones who are missing out.


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## maryeb (Aug 8, 2005)

My parents are distant from the kids for the most part. They like the pictures I send, and ask for updates on the phone, but usually interrupt me shortly after I begin talking about the cute things the kids are doing.? I don't get it. When they do come over (they live a couple hours away but we see each other every few months) they mainly want to talk with me and dh. It's odd-we are moving out of state so they came over recently and we had the best visit we've ever had. I felt sad wondering why they couldn't have ever been this involved? I don't know. My IL's though, are very involved, visit often, we talk often, they adore spending time with the kids. I'm grateful for them. Mary


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## mouthcave (Oct 9, 2008)

My dad has pretty much zero interest in my children. We have an awful relationship so it is not much of a surprise. He's a jerk anyway so I'm glad I don't have to deal with limiting their relationship.
It doesn't really upset me much except when I compare my family with my in-laws who are over-the-top involved (which I do find annoying and sometimes even enraging).
I can see how it would be really terrible if you had a decent relationship with your mom though. I'm sorry you have to deal with that! I would try talking to her.


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## luv_my_babes (Dec 8, 2008)

....


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Well, MIL is not all that involved. She isn't all that involved in her own kids' lives anyway, and even less with her grandkids. She makes noises sometimes about getting pics or seeing them, but they're so much hot air. We have paid for her to fly out and see DS, and we'll do it again when the next LO is born, but she always complains about leaving her dogs, and while she was here, she just talked nonstop about weather and dogs and the usual. She even called her friend who was dogsitting to ask about the dogs, and her friend had to ask her midway through the conversation how she liked visiting DS. She totally ignored BIL's kids when they were trying to talk to her one time, and she just kept talking about whatever she was babbling on about, oblivious.

I don't know why we bother flying her out. I'd just as soon not.


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## leaveit2beeker (Jun 2, 2009)

My parents are not involved in any aspect of ds' life. My mom has been in a nursing home with debilitating mental illness most of MY life, and my father has never been involved in my life either. Leaving my ds with:

one paternal grandmother who recently retired, but has not come by to see ds despite living 15 minutes away. She will not drive her precious PT Cruiser to our place because we live within the city limits and 'too many kids are running around outside' and might 'damage her car'. Trust me, we wouldn't be raising our son here if the area was as bad as she makes it sound!! She was not at the birth, and didn't visit in the hospital. She has never stayed overnight here with ds, never taken ds to her home or out anywhere, and unscheduled visits by her home are a no-no. Even now, when she's retired and literally stays in her pj's all day and watches QVC. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, being mean or overexaggerating with that observation.

and, one paternal grandfather that lives quite literally across the street from us but needs a constant kick in the a** to be reminded of that fact. He currently has a much younger girlfriend, with 4 year old twins of her own, and I know where we reside on his priority list. I recently dropped by hoping to leave ds with him so I could just run to the gorcery store, and the gf's children were already in his care. I am in no mood to compete, so I don't even bother asking him to be involved with ds anymore. Unfortunately, neither does he. And I don't mean to say I expect them to only babysit, I repeatedly offer visits to our home or theirs, with zero interest from them.

I have learned I cannot make these people be involved. Ds is their first (and quite possibly will be their only) grandchild, and it is not MY loss they choose not to participate. I have given up on guilting them, it simply cannot be done. I have also let go of my own guilt of not being able to provide a full 'family' to ds. It's not my job to provide grandparents to him, it is only my responsibility to be the best parent I can.

OP, sorry to hear your situation isn't turning out the way you'd expected. Focus on what YOU can do, and do it with love and sincereity. They may or may not figure it out someday. Hugs!


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

My dad has only seen DD 3 times since she was born. Now at 5.5 months I don't bother calling him with updates etc because he has never ever called once since she was born. This is his first and probably only grandchild for a while and while it disappoints me extremely I am not surprised. Our relationship before she was born and before I was even pregnant was the exact same, so it is something I have been attempting to make peace with since I was, oh I don't know 12 probably. Ah well...
Sometimes you just can't push them.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

I had my first child and for almost 6 years I lived within a mile of both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles. My husband's mom (1 out of 4 sets of grandparents/stepgrandparents) is the only one that ever sought out contact with my child.

All the others we only saw once or twice a year- living down the street from each other! No one ever offered or insisted on babysitting/spending time with my children.

Now we live 2.5 hours away from everyone and we get an occasional phone call, but no interaction.

Weird too because I was a teen mom. My parents were totally disinterested and hands off.

No one visitted me or asked to help. 2nd child came along when I was older and the same thing.

My MIL was the only one that cared and she passed away. Of course, it always seems like the ones you can't stand to lose or the ones that get taken.

My grandma though- she cared a lot but she was a great grandma to my kids and she passed away. During her time with them she cared a great deal, but was too frail to really interact the way she wanted to.

I don't get disinterested grandparents, I really don't. I think grandparent relationships are priceless, but maybe that's because I had disinterested parents and my grandmother was the only one I felt that loved me or cared for me.


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

Could she have some unresolved feelings about being a grandmother? I noticed the two other babies were her niece and nephew, not her grandchildren.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

My parents are like this. But I blame my sister. My parents were pretty normal parents and instead of gently educating them on how she was going to parent (AP) she would flip out at them every time they tried anything.

It was pretty ridiculous. She'd be eating and my nephew would give a tiny fuss and my dad would offer to walk him around so she could finish eating. (Please note: he didn't insist, but he'd offer) and that would spark a 15 minute lecture about not ignoring new born early hunger signs. While she was right, the way she did it was really off putting. She refused to teach her son not to rip leaves off plants instead insisting that my parents could either have wrecked house plants or none at all in their own home.

So they backed off. She has the second grandchild as well and my parents gave up. NOTHING they did was right. Nothing.

It's taken me 3 years of reassuring them that I won't bite their heads off for redirecting my DD for them to start interacting with her. I'm not talking about yelling at her, but things like asking her not to jump on the couch. Both my other sisters have told my parents that it's ridiculous for them to have couches and grandkids if the couches can't be jumped on.


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## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Hi, I have a different problem: my daughter, who is expecting the first grandchild in my family has become offended at any questions I ask about what the birth plans are, what kind of diapers they want to use, etc. It led to her calling me at work and yelling over the phone that none of this is my business (!!)
I am -on the one hand- trying to let her be...and -on the other hand- I want to know and be involved as much as she and my SIL will be comfortable with.
I am so surprised; this is from a daughter born at home w/her brother present, who was present when her sister was born at home, and who has grown up hearing me talk to others about not circumcising babies, and so on. The latest? She doesn't want to talk to me about *any* choices she makes about the baby, *including* circumcising. I hope they don't do it, and conversely, it makes me hope they have a girl.
I offered to be receptive of any letters (we live on opposite coasts) from her revisiting any old issues, anger, resentment, etc. so we can put all this sparring behind us. I would never tell my kids how to raise their children; but heck, I am curious about their plans for the birth and after. I am a nurse, and teach on a regular basis (every day). My stance has been, 'make up your own minds about what you want, and stick to your guns.' ---and whaddaya know, first thing that happens is the NMW scares the jeebers out of them about NOT vaccinating for H1N1 b/c a pregnant woman on the Coast died from it. Of course my daughter rolled up her sleeve and went for the shot. I am sad they succumb to fear-based teaching. Perhaps this is what is meant by letting go- my grown children must learn to live with their own decisions and mistakes. I really feel sick that they would choose to circumcise: her elder brother is intact, and I guess I presumed she understood why...her sister does...and says she's 'just being a brat'. Younger sister said to me, 'If I were having a baby now...I'd want you to come live with me, so I could learn everything and be reassured!' --Yes, I'm lucky to have more than one daughter. It would be devastating to be shut out from one's experience.
--so, I'm guilty of being 'too interested'.
I'm allowing a cooling off period after writing a loving letter saying she for sure calls the shots, and it isn't my intent to steal her thunder or anything. It is painful to hear my daughter doesn't want me anywhere around when she has the baby. Am I being overprotective?
The ultimate irony is that her grandfather on her father's side has seen the children maybe twice in their lives. He's the poster child for uninvolved grandparents (tee hee) I have to laugh -- otherwise I'd cry.
Thanks for listening. Any suggestions are welcome.


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## puddleduck (Jan 3, 2005)

my mother has admitted she doesn't 'do' children. she pops over once a week to talk about herself and is very happy if the boys are playing in another room so she doesn't have to deal with them. She has looked after ds2 a few times but tends to pop him in front of the TV. She is quite excited about dd1 and is planning girly things to do with her (not going to happen). For christmas and birthdays she gets me to buy the gifts and gives me the money. When she has friends visiting she likes to show off her grandchildren and offers to babysit and help with the house in front of people and then never does. We have come to the agreement that she is not the mother i wanted and i am not the daughter she wanted!
My MIL is great, really helpful and loves looking after the children, but she lives much further away so we don't see her that often (4 times a year).
I think the 'idea' of the grandchild is often more exciting than the reality which can be hard work.


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## j_p_i (Sep 9, 2008)

My mom is an incredible grandmother, and she and my stepdad have been involved from the beginning with dd. My mom lives 1.5 hours away and won't go a week without seeing dd. Long story, but my dad is the exact opposite! He lived 20 minutes away with my stepmom until recently when they hit a rocky patch and he showed up at my door. I thought, well at least he'll have to be involved with Olivia if he's staying here... But he makes it a point to be distant it seems! He comes in super late, often after she's asleep. When she is awake, he definitely keeps his distance and almost never holds her. She crys when he gets close because she thinks he is a stranger, and he's been staying here over a month! Sorry that was long, just another voice of understaning!







s


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

My mom/step-dad show less interest in my dc then they do my sisters dd. But I think there are valid reasons why. My sister is a single mom and needs a lot of help with her dd, and live minutes away from my parents. Maybe they would come up and visit more often (we live about 3.5 hrs away) if they weren't so busy w/ my niece. My mom is good about sending cards on holidays and I send photos. But my mom did say that my niece is "her favorite grandchild" because she was her first and they spend a lot of time together. I think my mom gets her grandma needs fulfilled by my niece. It makes me sad, but its her choice. The one thing I will keep an eye on is if I feel that my dc become aware that their GM favors their cousin over them, I will have a BIG talk w/ my mom about it.


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

Yes. Not my parents, but his. It's hard. Mostly hard for him because the example of my parents is impossible for him to ignore.

I'm sorry you are grappling with this too. I just try to keep in mind that people are themselves and they are complex, and there may be a dozen reasons for the behaviour, and none of them may actually involve you.

Cherish the relationships you do have and keep the door open.

Trin.


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

Oceanswimmer,

I feel for you. We are raising our daughter in a fashion similar to what you did, and I can imagine being in your situation years down the road. My poor DH can't buy soap without a pamplet from me... and it will be something I will have to be aware of as my DD grows-up.

All I can offer is that perhaps she is anticipating a flood of information and suggestions from you, and maybe she really wants to own this herself? To be in her own headspace?

Perhaps she is very sensitive to suggestions and feels pressured or infringed upon when she hears them?

Perhaps she doesn't want it to appear to her DH that you are influencing her more than he?

Becoming a mother is the most transformative and deeply personal thing that has happened in my life, and I really wanted to keep it between myself and my DH, despite the fact that my mom is a nurse and raised four children.... that was hers, this is mine, you know?

I share your horror over that procedure that I cannot even name, and I pray that she does as well. Maybe her DH wants to do it and she is desperate to have it NOT appear that she is just listening to you, and feels this way herself? I know my DH automatically rejects things from my parents, and if a suggestion appeared to be coming from them, it would doom the issue.

I have been in a similar situation with family, and I had to accept that after I made myself clear, short of physically grabbing the child and running away, there was NOTHING I could do to stop it from happening because it is a legal act. I had to let it go.

She KNOWS that she can turn to you for a suggestion or an opinion, I would just back off and shower her with affection and presents and a listening ear.









Trin.


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

My parents (divorced) and my ILs love my son, but .......... DS was a high needs toddler and had a severe speech delay, selective mutism, and was horrifically shy. He was the first grand kid in 12 years on my side.

My mom lives 1500 miles away and tries. We visit once a year, she sends Christmas, Bday, Easter, Valentine's day, and Halloween cards. She asks about him, talks to him on the phone, and recently they started emailing each other. It's more a matter of distance.

My dad and stepmother love it when we come to visit, but they never visit us. They do send him little presents from time to time. My dad is very hard of hearing and DS was a late talker, dad getting a hearing aide helped a lot. My dad does better with my son now that he's seven and independent. My stepmom was very hands on with my sisters's and brother's kids years ago, but her own kids had children about three years ago. She pretty much lost interest in DS after that.

My ILs love him. Dh is from a culture where kids belong to the mother's family. There are some serious cultural differences and we live 4 hours away.
My MIL is very uncomfortable with AP. I have two SILs and there kids either live with my IL or MIL babysits almost every day, she just isn't as close to DS.
That said, she insisted that DS be welcomed into the culture, moved heaven and earth to make it happen. When he had some severe delays, she was my biggest supporter and his greatest fan. FIL is a big fat jerk and I'm glad he isn't very involved with DS.


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## nudhistbudhist (Jan 13, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
my mil was so excited when i was pregnant, but she never visits and she lives 10 min away. shes dissappointed because i wont let her babysit. hello! bf'ing in progress! and they have a gazillion cats in their house to boot.

Just curious, what does having a gazillion cats have to do with anything?









My own mother is very uninterested in DS... Maybe because she has 4 kids herself, the youngest is 13 (I'm the oldest, 25). But at least she ignores everyone in our family equally







My gramma and I can't figure it out


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
my mil was so excited when i was pregnant, but she never visits and she lives 10 min away. shes dissappointed because i wont let her babysit. hello! bf'ing in progress! and they have a gazillion cats in their house to boot.

Just curious what breastfeeding has to do with babysitting? I breastfed my DD until she was almost 3 and people were able to spend time with her from the very beginning.

At first my in-laws would come over and hold her while I took a nice long hot shower by myself upstairs. We'd often have tea until she nursed and then they'd care for her (most of the time she fell asleep while I nursed her). We started that when she was 4 or 5 weeks old. Then they'd take her out for a 30 to 60 minute walk around the neighborhood starting at 4 or 5 months. It was around then DH and I started dropping her off with a bottle of pumped breastmilk and going for lunch for an hour or so.

Also, if you care about cats (which doesn't make any sense unless your kid's allergic), why couldn't they babysit at your house?


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## RunAround (Feb 12, 2009)

Haven't read all the replies, but, yes, we have "grand"parents who show little interest in our kids. It hurts my heart more than words can express. I treasure my grandmother and the time I spent with her as a kid really made a positive difference in my childhood.

So, no advice, but hoping things either improve or get easier to live with...


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## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Trinitty* 
Oceanswimmer,

I feel for you. We are raising our daughter in a fashion similar to what you did, and I can imagine being in your situation years down the road. My poor DH can't buy soap without a pamplet from me... and it will be something I will have to be aware of as my DD grows-up.

All I can offer is that perhaps she is anticipating a flood of information and suggestions from you, and maybe she really wants to own this herself? To be in her own headspace?

Perhaps she is very sensitive to suggestions and feels pressured or infringed upon when she hears them?

Perhaps she doesn't want it to appear to her DH that you are influencing her more than he?

Becoming a mother is the most transformative and deeply personal thing that has happened in my life, and I really wanted to keep it between myself and my DH, despite the fact that my mom is a nurse and raised four children.... that was hers, this is mine, you know?

I share your horror over that procedure that I cannot even name, and I pray that she does as well. Maybe her DH wants to do it and she is desperate to have it NOT appear that she is just listening to you, and feels this way herself? I know my DH automatically rejects things from my parents, and if a suggestion appeared to be coming from them, it would doom the issue.

I have been in a similar situation with family, and I had to accept that after I made myself clear, short of physically grabbing the child and running away, there was NOTHING I could do to stop it from happening because it is a legal act. I had to let it go.

She KNOWS that she can turn to you for a suggestion or an opinion, I would just back off and shower her with affection and presents and a listening ear.









Trin.

Thank you, Trinnity! I really appreciate your positive suggestions, because I really felt lost and not able to figure out what would 'work'......y'know?
It is possible she does feel overwhelmed with choices, and needs time to sort through all the input they are facing.
It is entirely possible she wants to own the process and feels that my input gets between her husband and herself. I guess I'm surprised b/c she was 'there' watching closely when her little sister was born, and asked 1,001 questions...the memory she mentioned in our phone call (the recent call to me when she screamed and cried and had a tantrum....was very negative.)
I am surprised by the hostility, though. That's what made me wonder if there were other issues, old ones, that maybe she needed to clear up so we could move forward.
I will take your good advice and keep the little gifts coming







who knows? It certainly won't hurt!
I am so grateful for your kind thoughtfulness and support. Hearing this from other daughters who have had similar experiences is very helpful, since I have no idea how my actions could come across. Again, it's so confusing b/c my other daughter assures me it's not me - but I absolutely hear what you're saying, since not all mothers have the same view of how they want to 'do' parenting, and neither do all daughters....to each her own! As I wrote to her, my wish is for a blissful experience and a happy outcome, regardless of her choices, which are okay (except the circ) with me. I had not .considered how her hubby might feel, as his emails are 'hey- you are sending books? Great! I'm looking forward to them!' --Could be he's seething and is just being polite...oops.

Gratefully and with hope for the future,
Ocean_Swimmer


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Here is the thing that gets me.

Some of these uninterested grandparents, and those who are just off doing their own thing, well, they have the right to do what they want of course. However, the day will come when they are older and expect their adult kids to help them. I think that they will be in for a shock when the adult kids and grandkids don't have time for them or feel no obligation to them.

I think that, barring toxic/abusive situations, family should help family, within reason, if they can.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
My parents are like this. But I blame my sister. My parents were pretty normal parents and instead of gently educating them on how she was going to parent (AP) she would flip out at them every time they tried anything.

It was pretty ridiculous. She'd be eating and my nephew would give a tiny fuss and my dad would offer to walk him around so she could finish eating. (Please note: he didn't insist, but he'd offer) and that would spark a 15 minute lecture about not ignoring new born early hunger signs. While she was right, the way she did it was really off putting. She refused to teach her son not to rip leaves off plants instead insisting that my parents could either have wrecked house plants or none at all in their own home.

So they backed off. She has the second grandchild as well and my parents gave up. NOTHING they did was right. Nothing.

It's taken me 3 years of reassuring them that I won't bite their heads off for redirecting my DD for them to start interacting with her. I'm not talking about yelling at her, but things like asking her not to jump on the couch. *Both my other sisters have told my parents that it's ridiculous for them to have couches and grandkids if the couches can't be jumped on.*

*
*

Good grief!
















It is one thing to allow your kids to tear up your own furniture. But, it is so rude to think that other people have to allow your kids to tear up theirs.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I have a hard time figuring out if I am mis-interpreting based on my own baggage, but my parents don't seem especially interested in my kids. They do have a tight and close relationship with my sister's sons, and I see a lot of interest in my brother's daughter. Granted, we live far away from them, but I feel like *we* are usually the ones to initiate interactions between my parents and the kids. Once they are interacting, my parents engage in kindly exchanges with the kids, but it reminds me of the difference between how my mom was with us (loved us and was interested in us) and the kids she babysat (was kind to them, and cared about them, but didn't really love them or have all that much interest in them beyond her limited role in their care).

I don't know. So hard to tell because I've got my own baggage, but my dw seems to pick up on it too.

I do feel most badly for my ds. He adores my mom, and my mom has a somewhat obvious preference for my dd. This resulted in a really awful exchange between her and my ds this summer (which I talked about at the time a bit on here), which ended up in us taking a break from our interactions with her for a few months. We're now talking again a bit, but I still feel pretty upset when I think about what happened and her response to my ds.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

This is a big part of why I no longer have a relationship with my mom. It's one thing to ignore me but don't ignore my kids.









I found myself constantly pushing my kids on her. She would hold them for a minute or two, only after I _picked the child up and put him on her lap_ so it would've been rude for her not to. She'd do the whole baby-talk thing with them, and then put them down. She didn't care about their milestones, she never asked about them, fawned over them, boasted about them, or wanted to babysit them.







Philosophically, she professed to believe in AP, but the _one_ time I got her to babysit for me, she let my baby cry it out alone in a crib!!! She let him cry for 45 minutes when she could easily have just _called_ me, and when holding him and walking him around didn't help, she just put him in the crib to cry!







He wasn't quite himself for a couple days after that.









Anyway. My dad. (My parents are divorced.) My dad is more affectionate towards the kids and totally wants to play with them and stuff _when they are there in person_, but we only see him about once a year or so, since he lives on the other side of the country, and he makes no effort to develop a relationship with them otherwise. Also he doesn't send them cards or anything. He sends money for Christmas, which is sweet-- I buy something for them and make sure to make a point that it is from Grandpa. I like to think that he would have more of a relationship with them if we lived closer, or if they were older. I don't know though.

My dad's mom, my grandma, totally loves the kids though, and dotes on them. That's nice.









And luckily, my MIL and FIL are totally doting on the kids. They buy them stuff all the time just because they love them and saw it and wanted to spoil them-- even though they don't have much money. I roll my eyes but I love it, too. They are proud of all of their grandkids equally and their various personalities and abilities. They really love the kids and love to babysit, even though it's kind of inconvenient for them, what with my MIL's disability.

It just hurts the most that my mom seems like she could hardly care less about my children.







It's seems to be an extension of how she feels about me. Just cold and unaffected, unmoved.








Hugs to everyone!


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
my mil was so excited when i was pregnant, but she never visits and she lives 10 min away. shes dissappointed because i wont let her babysit. hello! bf'ing in progress! and they have a gazillion cats in their house to boot.

Welcome to MDC!!! I think your situation is a little different than what others on this thread have described. You are fortunate that your mom has a desire to babysit. Most of our parents refused to babysit even of we wanted them to. They simply didn't care, couldn't be bothered. Please don't let something as natural as breastfeeding come between your child's relationship with his grandmother.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

I think I'm realizing that I do have an uninvolved grandparent, MIL. MY DS only has 2 grandparents, my Mom and MIL because both DH's and my Dad are dead. My Mom is very involved, she babysits for me several times a month when I work my second job, and she goes with us when we do things like the zoo or apple picking.

My MIL, not so much. She doesn't drive but public transportation is very good and plentiful here. She lives about 1/2 hour away but DH would go pick her up anytime she wanted to see DS. She only sees him about once a month. She wasn't a very hands on parent (DH's grandmother did more of the raisng him) so this shouldn't surprise me. She's actually ok with him when she does see him but she does better with older kids. It's funny, her and DH act more like sister/brother than mom/son. She just doesn't know how to do the mom/grandma thing I guess.

So she's definitely not even 1/4 as bad as some on this thread, I just wish she would see DS more.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

my parents are about 1 1/2 hours away. from the beginning my mom told me not to expect them to babysit, and so they haven't. that being said, they do come regularly, about once a month and they are pretty good with the kids when they are here. my mom definitely got much better with the kids once she found out she had cancer, but they're not super involved or anything.

my inlaws live here ... they don't see the kids very often either, maybe every other month or so. they haven't babysat the kids and i have no intention of asking. they're not particularly involved.

dh and i have come to realize that we're on our own when it comes to the kids and always will be. it would be nice to have the help though sometimes because we never have the chance to get away by ourselves.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I'm planning to be a very supportive mother/mother-in-law and grandma when the time comes.


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## boobybunny (Jun 28, 2005)

I honestly think it is a boom grandparent thing.

My grandparents as well as my husband's were super involved in our upbringing. Our boomer parents would take trips or ship us of to grandma's for weeks during the summer, winter break and spring break.

My mom...(total boomer) after sending me to my grandparents nearly every school vacation all vacation long from ages 4 to 17 has had not had a single sleepover or extended (more than an hour) stretch with the kids alone..

My inlaws.. are much better they take the kids (they are 70 and not technically boomers).. the youngest one on overnights when the older two are at friend's overnight so we can go out on a date... and they have had big "camp outs" for all of their six grandkids. (btw.. the older two have a bio father that is not their son.. but the kids are all their grandkids)

My former mom inlaw.. well.. last year we walked into another family members hospital room and she did not even recoginze her grand kids.

So much for the boomers.. selfish parenting, selfish grandparenting... how many of us gen X or Y kids are going to take care of them in their old age???

(I know I will be..guilt and a strange sense of what family should be... having watched grandparents lovingly take care of both grandkids and their parents during my many many days and nights at grandma's side)

So.. basically I wrap it up as just another of the most selfish generation...


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Interesting, I was wondering about that myself. My parents are in their late 40s. Don't know of they count as boomers, they're on the young side? But I think they do. They are very modern and yes, kind of self-absorbed to a degree. My ILs are in their 60s and have always been more traditional and very family-oriented and more giving of themselves and their time.

ETA: A boomer, technically, is someone born between 1946 and 1964. So, actually, my ILs and my parents are both just barely boomers, but on different ends of the spectrum. I still think there is a generational difference there.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't know...my parents are boomers but "selfish parenting" wouldn't have described them in the least. They were young parents, but AP and attentive.

That also doesn't explain the difference between the way some grandparents treat different kids from different families (such as my mom's attachment to my sister and brother's kid, but relative distance from mine).


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

This is so true!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Here is the thing that gets me.

Some of these uninterested grandparents, and those who are just off doing their own thing, well, they have the right to do what they want of course. However, the day will come when they are older and expect their adult kids to help them. I think that they will be in for a shock when the adult kids and grandkids don't have time for them or feel no obligation to them.

I think that, barring toxic/abusive situations, family should help family, within reason, if they can.


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
Just curious what breastfeeding has to do with babysitting? I breastfed my DD until she was almost 3 and people were able to spend time with her from the very beginning.

At first my in-laws would come over and hold her while I took a nice long hot shower by myself upstairs. We'd often have tea until she nursed and then they'd care for her (most of the time she fell asleep while I nursed her). We started that when she was 4 or 5 weeks old. Then they'd take her out for a 30 to 60 minute walk around the neighborhood starting at 4 or 5 months. It was around then DH and *I started dropping her off with a bottle of pumped breastmilk and going for lunch for an hour or so*.

Also, if you care about cats (which doesn't make any sense unless your kid's allergic), why couldn't they babysit at your house?

Not everyone pumps or uses bottles. My DD is 13 mo and I've never pumped or used a bottle with her, so how could I leave her with anyone to babysit? Now she does eat solid food and could easily go 4 or 5 hours without nursing, but she doesn't like to do that.

Before DD was born my stepmom would go around saying she was never going to babysit and that we bought our house so we could be closer to them. We did buy in the same neighborhood because I like the area and I love my Dad, but she made it out like we were moochers and were expecting free babysitting. Which btw, because I ebf we have never had anyone babysit and never expected it.

Because I let my stepmom know I wouldn't need babysitting help she told our congregation that I didn't need _any_ help. I found that out later after we received no phone calls, meals or anything, when that is the norm for new mothers. I was desperate for help but stepmom made sure I would get no offers.

My MIL and FIL didn't even see DD until she was 2 weeks old and they live maybe 5 mins away from us.







They decided to take a vacation to Hawaii a few days before my due date and came home a couple days after DD was born. But they needed a week and a half to recover from the flight before they could see her, and even then we went over to their house.

We have given lots of pictures of DD to MIL/FIL but they gave away all the pictures. They had no pictures of DD anywhere until they put up a pic of her with her cousin. The cousin is there favorite and they have lots of pictures of him up.

I guess my expectations of what grandparents should be isn't necessarily what my own parents think. They seem to be too busy in their own lives to have any time for me or my family. Though my stepmom seems to be able to find lots of time for her own grandkids!


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
Not everyone pumps or uses bottles. My DD is 13 mo and I've never pumped or used a bottle with her, so how could I leave her with anyone to babysit? Now she does eat solid food and could easily go 4 or 5 hours without nursing, but she doesn't like to do that.

And that's each individual's choice.

It has NOTHING to do with breastfeeding. My BFF hasn't used a bottle yet with her 10mo. She has still left him often for short periods of time with her DH and her in-laws.

I was objecting to the idea that because a woman's breastfeeding, she has to be tied to her baby. That's completely false. Some women chose that, but it is a complete choice.


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
And that's each individual's choice.

It has NOTHING to do with breastfeeding. My BFF hasn't used a bottle yet with her 10mo. She has still left him often for short periods of time with her DH and her in-laws.

I was objecting to the idea that because a woman's breastfeeding, she has to be tied to her baby. That's completely false. Some women chose that, but it is a complete choice.

The PP didn't say how old her LO was. How can you leave a EBF newborn for any substantial length of time? I guess I never thought of breastfeeding and "being tied to my baby" as bad things. And there are a lot of people that don't understand breastfed babies when all their experience has been with ff, which is probably why the PP's MIL didn't understand why she wouldn't be needing a babysitter for a while. I'm not saying one is better than the other, just different.

I'll let the PP defend herself if she feels the need, I guess.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
The PP didn't say how old her LO was. How can you leave a EBF newborn for any substantial length of time? I guess I never thought of breastfeeding and "being tied to my baby" as bad things. And there are a lot of people that don't understand breastfed babies when all their experience has been with ff, which is probably why the PP's MIL didn't understand why she wouldn't be needing a babysitter for a while. I'm not saying one is better than the other, just different.

I'll let the PP defend herself if she feels the need, I guess.


I don't think of breastfeeding as a bad thing. I breastfed my DD until she was almost 3.

I objected to the tone of the post where she said that there was no way she'd need babysitting of any sort _because_ she was breastfeeding.

That's why I said things about having someone hold the baby while she got to take a nice long shower, or had a chance to take a nap. "Babysitting" doesn't need to involve an overnight stay for the baby at someone else's house. It can certainly work within the limits of EBF.


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## BeeBliss (Jun 18, 2009)

At least I know there are other families in the same situation as myself. Sad but comforting. Because none of my other friends have uninvolved parents, I really thought I was a very small minority!

Both of my parents are uninvolved (even during grandchildren's birthdays and at Christmas). They are divorced and since that time, haven't really been involved their own children's lives either. My In-laws, however, are the opposite of my parents. They are very involved, call often, send cards/packages, and try to see us at least once a year (they even treat my older daughter as their grandchild even though she is from a previous marriage).

For me, this poses a few issues. I find myself apologizing to my husband for my parents lack of involvement when his parents put in so much effort. I have to rationalize away my parents behavior to my children by saying we can't expect everyone to be interested in us in the same ways (my oldest child's last grandparent died so the grandparent absence is more obvious to her than to my younger child). For myself, I have had to learn not to set up expectations that my parents will be interested or even interact with me or their grandchildren on an emotional level (however, if they do, I will be pleasantly surprised).

I suggest that for those of us who have these absent grandparents, not to expect anything of them. Their behavior is not a reflection of who we are or how we raise our kids. If they want to be this way, it is their right as adults to make this decision and we can 't force them to change. I know this ideology seems wrong in our own cultural beliefs but our emotional energy doesn't need to be wasted on people who won't reciprocate.

On the other topic of breastfeeding and babysitting, I can relate. My first MIL (the one who just passed on) felt that breastfeeding was not only wrong but actually harmful to the baby. There was no way I was going to leave my DD with someone who would most likely try to formula feed her in my absence. My current MIL was a breastfeeder herself but our attitudes towards breastfeeding are different for everyone. When I would breastfeed, my MIL felt the need to leave the room to give me privacy even if I didn't feel that way. I'm not sure she would have been comfortable handling my breast milk in a bottle, and personally, I feel weird about people I'm not close to handling my breast milk. Plus, the breastfeeding bond with baby is hard to break, even for a few hours for some people.


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## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Hi Trinitty~ A much belated Thank You for your kind reply to my post. Now, years later, the same daughter gave birth to a son just a week ago! No circumcision! It turns out her previous husband (father of first child - a girl) was INSISTING upon circumcision just b/c he was cut. Sick. She left him when her daughter was still an infant. They are divorced now, and she is married to a nice man who is very involved with this baby, a good father.

In retrospect, I think you were right on the money with your observation that my daughter needed to 'own' her birthing experience and decisions. About 2 years later (in 2012) she apologized for rejecting what she could now see were helpful and positive questions. It helped our relationship to hear her own her behavior, and I decided to knock off the questions and just let her share whatever she wanted. She is a more private person than I, and it is perhaps due to 'nurse culture' that we are comfortable sharing everything anyone wants to ask about (and maybe too much information! LOL!)

Now, with this new child, my advice had more to do about minimizing sibling rivalry, and reassuring her daughter (who is now 3 going on 4) that she is loved, is lovable, and is needed very much by her mama -- as much as she feels a need for mama! There was just a little too much verbally 'harsh' correction going on the first few days, and not enough positive interaction for me (I admit I cried while observing some interactions). I took a risk. Since I could not articulate all that I was feeling into words, I wrote her a letter. It made her angry. She was very defensive (understandable) My stance is to be an advocate for all small children who are hurting and who misbehave when life events occur: nothing is worth scolding your child if you can't do it without that daughter or son being reduced to tears. No lesson is learned once you reach that point. Nothing good is retained when that child is crying and saying 'I love you' at the same time.

It caused a few frosty days between us, but as it thaws, I am seeing better mother-daughter interactions. The one day of horrific interchanges was indeed only one day, but it must have felt like forever for my dear grand daughter.

Growth is never without pain, and I suppose in both cases, it is true.

Thank you for listening to my latest update, and I appreciate your insight very much! Merry Christmas to you and your dear ones!

Love and support,

Oceanswimmer


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