# I need to talk about this



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I feel like I don't have myself together at all right now. I feel so depressed and disappointed. I fear that people already are done talking about this and I have just begun to process it.

I had a miscarriage last Friday. It took several days of heavy cramping and bleeding, and then Friday, finally the miscarriage. As it happened I felt "on full alert" that day, just very overwhelmed with understanding what was happening. There was SO much blood and SO much tissue. And later the entire sac came out intact. I could see the outer sac, and inside, two tiny sacs, one with a very tiny baby in it, and the other, the yolk sac. I don't know what I expected, but that was really shocking and amazing.

We buried the baby sac later in the garden, and planted sunflowers over it.

I am still cramping and bleeding and passing tissue.

I have never felt so disoriented and depressed.

Ds is 9 and due to his special needs we waited a long time to try again. And then it took 6 months to get pregnant. I just feel so hopeless right now.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my baby at 15 weeks inutero about a month ago. there are still some really tough days, but thankfully they are now interspersed with more normal and even good times. a friend mentioned that the grief comes in waves, lots of ups and downs. know that you will slowly start to feel better a little at a time inbetween your really sad times, and write in whenever you feel you need to. this group has been such a lifeline and we are all here to listen and support you. lots of love and







you are not alone.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

heartmama,
what a intense experience you have had... were you at home during the m/c? was anyone with you? that is a really heavy thing to have to go thru on your own, and it would probably help to see if there is a counselor or therapist or a support group to get in contact with. you can check thru your local hospital, and they may refer you any one of these resources, and the support group that we go to there is no fee for, which is helpful. i mean, we had two nurses, my midwife, and a whole staff of people ready to help us, and i still felt exactly like you're describing when i went home the next day.
talking and reading about what had happened was so helpful, and i don't think i could have managed without it. also, coming to this forum is very helpful for processing your grief, and understanding that there are other women who have gone thru similiar if not the same thing you have, and they are all willing to listen and help.
it seems that what you said about people 'getting over it' and your'e just starting to process it is what happens to everyone... but that doesn't mean that you should rush to 'get over it', and even though it stinks that it seems like you're the only one who's still so affected, that is to be expected, because you carried the baby inside you- of course you will have a more intense reaction, because you had a more intense relationship to what happened!
you should rest and give yourself time to heal, your body and your mind, and your spirit.
i'm sorry you are going thru this, and i'm so sorry you lost your baby. i think there is nothing worse, but there are ways to help you heal.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Thank you for your supportive posts.

I was home during the m/c. Throughout the day dh brought food, drinks, etc. as I asked for them. I wanted to be alone, and at the time, I was feeling very solid and capable handling it. It was afterwards that I have fallen apart.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Hoping that you will have a chance to smile today, but if you don't feel like it that is OK too. Don't feel pressured to "move on" too quickly. You have to go through the grief to truly get on with your life. I don't really think that it is something that you will ever completely get over, but you will come to terms with your loss, and you are the only one who can decide what those terms will be and how long it will take to get there.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry for your loss Mama!!!!
It is so hard grieving what "could" of been. I still stuggle with this and it has been over a year since my daughter died.
I am not OVER it...nor do I think I ever will be.

Sending loving, peaceful vibes your way...keep coming here and talking about how you feel. The first 400 of my post where only in this forum...I talked alot, cried alot, got angry alot....gave back to other moms alot.

You are loved and so is your precious baby.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

( hey there hon, it's Jenna)

I have not stopped thinking of you...I pray for many loving arms to comfort you.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Oh, I remember the time after my m/c so vividly. I, too, was alone and felt in control during the actual thing, even a bit celebrative since that day was indeed a birthday, and it was the only homebirth I think I will ever have. I never expected the feelings I had afterwards. Emptiness, sadness, loneliness, my soul somehow leaving my body, and then I felt like digging myself into a deep hole.
I tried to carry on as before, and kept my experience between myself, dh, and just three women I met with regularly. But I realized pretty quickly that noone truly knew what I was going through.
It takes a long time to heal from an experience like this.
I went to the library and got all the books on pregnancy loss I could find, I read on this board, and I asked my dh for a lot of time to myself.
I hope you will find your way through your grief, be good to yourself.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

heartmamma-
Thinking of you today and hoping that you are doing OK. Take care of yourself.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

thinking of you sweet mama and sending healing vibes.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I too m/c at home --the sack was intact and I saw my baby. We also buried her in the garden and planted some flowers. This was back in August. I completely understand when you say that others are done talking abou it. I felt that, after the m/c was complete, everyone else felt it was "over" yet I was still beginning to mourn, to meet the realization of what the m/c meant.

It may take a long time to process this. It's okay if it does. Let yourself have the time you need because it's the only way to heal--there's nothing you can do to speed it along.

This is a great place to talk if you need to. Each time I've posted something, thinking I was the only person to feel this way, a whole bunch of people have responded that they went through similar feelings.

Peace to you.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Heartmama,

I could't read without responding. I wantd to let you know how sorry I am and that I know the feeling of _finally_ trying again after a SN child, and then losing the baby...I am so sorry. For me, it brought up unresolved grief issues about my first pg and ds that I didn't even realize were still unresolved. Not saying this will happen, but it took me very muc by surpirse, so I wanted to mention it just in case. Dh and I did go to grief counseling after her death, which helped on several levels. Although the first few sessions were directly about dd, most of them dealt with past issues and how dh and I could be there for one another in the best way.

This is an excellent place to share, especially when the world seems to have gone on without you. Again, I am so sorry.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Heartmama-
Just wanted to let you know that you are still in my thoughts and that your loss has not been forgotten. sending you many







and hoping that you are doing OK.


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Although I delivered my first son (16wks enutero) at a hospital, I did it alone, in the bathroom. I felt strong too. I cried before, and some time after, but not while I held him in my hand.

Grief does come in waves. For me, it helped greatly to seek support from the local Living with Loss Center. I read everything I could, and retold my story to close friends who would listen and hold me. DH was instrumental, and we mourned together.

I wish for you peace, and the passage of time, which starts to heal what tears cannot. Be kind to yourself.


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

I'm sorry mama. Hugs.


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Heartmama, you have *my* heart, mama. I feel your pain and I am so terribly sorry for the loss of you precious baby. There is no other pain like it.

Having a miscarriage was THE hardest thing I have ever gone through. The grief was so palpable I didn't think I would be able to handle it. It is a shock to have a pregnancy end. I felt so incomplete. So hollow.

I did everything I could to stay busy so I could distance myself from what happened. That came crashing down though when my cleaning, scrapbooking, and gardening projects all were neatly completed but my pregnancy never would be.

I remember vaguely also the feeling of disorientation. I felt like I was walking under water for weeks, every step taking enormous effort.

Give yourself over to the grief for a while. It was SO hard when every else decided that they were finished being sad and went on to act like nothing had happened. "How are you?" they'd ask in a glib conversational way. It was so so so hard.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry heartmama.


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