# I'm so tired of the value people place in a child's looks!! Vent!



## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

I got cornered (again) by a family friend at Thanksgiving who proceeded to talk my ear off about why I needed to get DS into child modeling







. This is not the first time that she has made her plea to me, and all of my firmly stated arguments against her proposed course of action make her even more belligerent. Thanksgiving was a bit tricky because there was another mother there who has an agent for her daughter, and who is extremely proud that her daughter was in a recent Pottery Barn catalog. So I couldn't be quite as blunt as I wanted to be without hurting feelings. But...

I do NOT want my child's image to be used to sell crap!!

I do NOT want him to be pitched for his consumerist value!!

I do not want him to even know that other people judge him favorably simply because they think he is cute.

I really don't want him to expect benefit from his looks.

I really, really, really don't want him to grow up to be shallow....

But, sigh, people stop us all the time, everywhere so they can gush over DS. It's been happening since he was a little baby. It drives me crazy. crazy. crazy!! I had a thread about this about a year ago and people reassured me that all babies get this treatment...but I think its more than that. Family friend above is not the only one who urges me to get him into modeling...random strangers on the street tell me the same thing. And they think they are giving the greatest of compliments. DS doesn't know what the heck they are talking about yet, but he will soon. How do I shield him from the assumption that his looks are marketable and that somehow that is good thing? I've sheilded him as much as I can from the media thus far, but I can't keep him in the house just because taking him into public makes me uncomfortable.

And don't even get me started about the social value of blond/blue eyedness.









How can I make people understand that I don't think selling my child's image to a world obsessed with consumerism is a good thing?

Anyone have any good one liners?


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

"Oh, he would hate it. Have you tried the bean dip?"


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Yup, ignore when you can, be non committal when you can't

And remember YOU are the greatest influence in your sons life. I wouldn't worry about people comments overly impacting your sons perceptions of life and looks.


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## Smidge (Aug 29, 2007)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Maybe you can say "Thanks for the offer, but I've thought about all the pros and cons and decided against it" If they keep pushing, I would say "I said no, please respect that".


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

I think you're making a bigger deal about it than it is. My kids get complimented all.the.time. I don't mind it. I enjoy it. It's flattering. And they ARE very good looking boys, there is no doubt of that(and the polar opposite of blonde/blue-eyed).

Humans, as all animals, are hard-wired to appreciate physical beauty. It is not abnormal, I don't think it's wrong. We can make a conscious choice to value things in addition to, or other than, beauty. And I do want to encourage that with my children. But I don't think them being praised for the appearance detracts from the individual person they are. I will teach my kids to use all their strengths to their advantage. Why shouldn't they?


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## majormajor (Nov 3, 2006)

i agree with the above posters. just say "oh thank you, but he hates sitting still for the camera" or whatever. if someone really persues it, i'd just be firm but kind and state that i didn't want to have the conversation any longer.

this used to happen all the time with my DDs. not so much lately. i've had many people actually come up to me and ask if they could take DD1s picture, and had issues with people just going ahead and photographing DD2. that's been difficult, because i don't like the idea of strangers taking pictures of my children even though it's not illegal. it doesn't help that DH refuses to confront people when they do it, so i have to. oh well.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> I think you're making a bigger deal about it than it is. My kids get complimented all.the.time. I don't mind it. I enjoy it. It's flattering. And they ARE very good looking boys, there is no doubt of that(and the polar opposite of blonde/blue-eyed).


It's more than that in some cases, though. I also have blonde-haired, blue-eyed children. Our culture has placed the highest premium on that combination of looks. It's not about saying a child is cute but the aggressiveness with which some people push child modeling. "Your child could be the GAP spokesmodel. No, REALLY. He looks like those GAP kids. Why don't you do it? He could make tons of money. OMG, he's just so adorable." And on and on and on. It's weird and uncomfortable.

OP, my kids are 3 and 5 now. We still get those comments. At dd's daycare, they recently had "kiddie couture" pictures - kind of like glamor shots. Many people there told us how dd was just the most beautiful kid and so photogenic and why don't we just get headshots and take a stab at it. My kids really haven't picked up more of it as they've gotten older. I don't think they know what "modeling" means, so I just say something like, "it's a thought" and move on. I mean it is a thought - the thought is no, but they don't have to know that.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> I think you're making a bigger deal about it than it is. My kids get complimented all.the.time. I don't mind it. I enjoy it. It's flattering. And they ARE very good looking boys, there is no doubt of that(and the polar opposite of blonde/blue-eyed).
> 
> Humans, as all animals, are hard-wired to appreciate physical beauty. It is not abnormal, I don't think it's wrong. We can make a conscious choice to value things in addition to, or other than, beauty. And I do want to encourage that with my children. But I don't think them being praised for the appearance detracts from the individual person they are. I will teach my kids to use all their strengths to their advantage. *Why shouldn't they*?


Because the "advantage" of beauty is one that is overly valued in our screen happy world. I *don*'t think its flattering, and I *do* mind it. Because it is all I ever hear about my son, even from some family members. My kid is a whole person not a picture of his face.

There have been many studies done on the advantages given to more attractive people...simply because of their appearance. Folks who were not hired because of their character or skill set but because they are attractive. I find this abhorrent, and unacceptable, and I do not want my child to be a reciepient of this type of entitlement in the future. I may as well support people being hired for the color of their skin as being hired for their looks. Same thing really. So I need to educate him about his white privilege (which is easy enough to do since most people accept it exists). Its hard to be on the lookout for beauty privilege, but its something that is just as much an issue (and ties into white privilege I think).

A person's looks are not a strength, just the luck of the draw.


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## MsFortune (Dec 5, 2010)

I get it too, and wonder if it has to do with my son being blonde with blue eyes.

I try to blow it off. I think it is people's misguided way of trying to compliment him. So just say, oh, thanks, and move on.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Maybe I should have specified.... I am blonde-haired/blue-eyed. My kids are the opposite. They are biracial and have sort of an unusual set of characteristics. And fwiw, DS2 has done some modeling on a really small scale. I have no desire to pursue it with them, but we had a couple of things that offered us something directly, so for that we said ok. Honestly, I don't have a problem with my son "selling" cloth diapers. KWIM? Had it been Enfamil, then yea, we'd be having a different conversation.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

So go ahead and start a conversation about his other qualities. It's much easier to have a conversation that's about something than to have one that's not about something.

It's impossible to control other people in your child's future. I don't think you'll get far, even working with him from childhood onward, by demanding that your ds be alert to the possibility that he's getting opportunities because of his looks rather than his skill. He's only responsible for how he treats other people, not how they treat him. But if it's his pic in your avatar, I think you can calm down. He's gorgeous, but he wouldn't be a particularly successful model - his hair blends into his skin tone even on the cloudy day when you took the pic which would make him look almost bald under bright lights, and his face casts a lot of shadows which will also become problematic in studio lighting. Over time, his hair will likely darken and he'll lose the baby-look (it's conceivable that he might one day have acne, and his adult teeth may yet come in crooked) and probably steal no more opportunities from ordinary-looking children than anyone else does.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Maybe so. My kids aren't white, so I really can't get into a "white privelege" thing with them.

I guess the thing is.... Your child is young, very young. At that age, kids aren't really "accomplished." They're not great conversationalists. There's not really a whole lot that people CAN praise. And it seems like even the things that are there get flack... like your child's size, or whether they're physically advanced, or whatever the case may be. I guess it feels like people just can't win on this one no matter what they do.

Y'know.... I guess the thing is, I want my kids to be successful in what they do in their lives. So if that means being excellent students AND presenting themselves well in the physical sense, I have absolutely no problem encouraging that and teaching them to do it.


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## shnitzel (Jan 6, 2010)

I really don`t think you have to worry that much.

I remember when my cousin was a baby she would get the same comments constantly. She was absolutely stunning and people would stop and stare and comment. She is 14 now, not particularly vain in the least and completely normal looking. Being a pretty baby really doesn`t impact future looks, my sister was also a gorgeous complimented little kid and I was a totally ugly duckling and I think we are about equal in looks now that we are grown up. FWIW DD does also get commented on a lot with blondish curly hair and blue, green, hazel eyes and at times it bugs me but it is strangers and all they can see is her looks not personality, what`s funny is that she often gets compliments at the Children`s museum by other kids caregivers or parents. I think a large percentage of kids get these comments, there are a lot of adorable children.


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

Enjoy it while you can! My dd used to be extremely cute and is now 11yo) pretty but not overly so, my DS used to look like Harry Potter's uncle Vern and is only now at age 7 starting to look what many people consider handsome. Beauty is a fickle thing, so I'd recommend reaping its advantages while it's there. You as a parent can instill the other stuff


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *shnitzel*
> . I think a large percentage of kids get these comments, there are a lot of adorable children.












Also the lady in the OP who'd obsessed with child modeling sounds a little well, ...silly... TBH. If she is annoying, the OP should politely change the subject and make it clear that she's not interested.


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> I guess the thing is.... Your child is young, very young. At that age, kids aren't really "accomplished." They're not great conversationalists. There's not really a whole lot that people CAN praise. And it seems like even the things that are there get flack... like your child's size, or whether they're physically advanced, or whatever the case may be. I guess it feels like people just can't win on this one no matter what they do.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *shnitzel*
> 
> I really don`t think you have to worry that much...I think a large percentage of kids get these comments, there are a lot of adorable children.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *simonee*
> 
> Enjoy it while you can!... Beauty is a fickle thing, so I'd recommend reaping its advantages while it's there. You as a parent can instill the other stuff


I agree with these statements.

How old is your son?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I don't know where you live, but what worked for us was to say, truthfully, "it's not worth it unless you live in L.A., New York, or Chicago."


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl*
> 
> Quote:
> I find this abhorrent, and unacceptable, and I do not want my child to be a reciepient of this type of entitlement in the future.


mama i dont think you do much about this. people are too brainwashed and unless they want to see it differently its like throwing pearls to swines. they just wont get it.

i totally agree with you and understand where you are coming from - but remember what you are up against. just by standing up and staying true to your beliefs will be a stand itself. i mean look - people know smoking cigarettes is dangerous, but they still keep doing it ya know. there are some people who due to their personalities are 'welcomed' more. yes it is unfair but that's what its like. for instance i am a v. social and outspoken person. i speak the 'unsaidable'. i cant help it. i cant keep my mouth shut - esp. against injustices. and because of that i am chosen many a time when probably i wasnt the best one to speak up . others might have had better points of view or at least different.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Another vote for 'you're overthinking it'.

It's parenting small talk. People tell pregnant people they are HUGE or TINY (often in the same day). They ask if the baby is a good sleeper. They talk about child models and ask if you're planning on having a sibling. None of it means anything. People don't REALLY care they are just making conversation.

Someone who already has their child in modeling doesn't care if you have yours in modeling. She just wants to talk about herself. So indulge her or change the subject. As the others have said... looks can change in a month. I think it's pretty rare to be nice looking your whole life.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> Another vote for 'you're overthinking it'.
> 
> ...












I've gotten this stuff about all my kids to some extent, but especially dd3 (even dh keeps saying we should get her into modeling!) She is pretty darn cute, and she's very petite with a tiny little voice which just seems to amplify the cute factor. She's almost 3 and people still gush over her in public.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I would say, probably overthinking it.

My boys are brown, have dark hair, and dark brown eyes. Ever since they were born, people have been telling me that they need to be models. Or that pictures of them look like they should be in a kid's clothing magazine. Etc. And this is in majority-white semi-rural PA, so I think even here blond/blue-eyed is now only one of several beauty types that people find attractive. You don't know if they're exclusively saying that about your son, or if that's their standard way of saying "Wow, I think your kid is beautiful" and say it to everybody.

To those who say it, "It's just not our thing" should be sufficient. Life is too short to spend a lot of time fretting over the strange way people give compliments.

To your son, this is a great chance to teach. You're his mom, you have a huge advantage over the world in your influence of him. Use it. Talk with him. Explain your values and why you wouldn't want him in that industry, but without the bitter anger and high emotions. Ask him what he thinks.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I get this all the time too. My ds is beautiful, and has been since the day he was born (he was a particularly pretty newborn), and people say this to me all.the.time.

I diffuse the situation by saying, "I know, I just don't have the time! Do you want to take him for all the auditions?" when its a family member (the answer is ALWAYS "NO" b/c everyone knows how time consuming it is), and to strangers by saying, "I know, isn't he a cutie?!?" with a little laugh.

I love my ds, for MANY reasons, and I love ALL of him - even how beautiful he is. Do I think its terrible that average looking people don't get as many opportunities? Sure, but theres nothing I can do about it. Making my son feel guilty about his looks certainly isn't going to do him any good - so I appreciate all of him.

As a bonus, people don't focus on the modeling thing too much, b/c I don't. If you make an issue of it, so will they. Just go along, diffuse the situation in one of the 2 ways above (or find another option that works for you) and bring how well he talks/plays ball/reads/interacts with others/giggles/etc. Focus on his abilities, and I bet others will start.


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I have a super cute kid too. He is very tiny for his age, has olive skin, BIG blue or sometimes green eyes, and crazy curly hair. And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we leave the house I get compliments on his looks especially his eyes and or hair. (oh look at those eyes/hair, he is beautiful, he is too pretty to be a boy, oh he is so cute, does he do modeling? etc.), and its said directly to him, to me and sometimes just to someone else (I hear people telling each other "did you see that little girl? she is so pretty" - talking about my son!)

My son has done 2 modeling things - one was to help a friend with his portpholio, and the other was to do the ad's for our local zoo. We were asked by the zoo director to come in for the photoshoot because we are there so often. Her reason for choosing Levi? Because he has a good personality and follows directions well and because he is so happy all the time - nothing about how cute he is! We love that zoo so Im happy to promote it, and Levi got to hold/pet animals he doesnt usually get to so it was just fun for him!

But yeah I agree the compliments do get anoying. Its been happening sense he was tiny! He even seems de-sensitized to it, because he just says "yeah I know" now (I have to remind him to just say "thank you", he says that for everything else, I think he is just 'over' being complimented so often)

But at the same time, you have to look at people's intent. Their idea isn't generally to 'value' his looks over his other qualities, BUT, they havent 'met' him yet or really talked to him, the looks are just what people see at first glance, and often they 'react' to that with a comment because he IS really 'pretty'. Many times these comments from people are just said in passing (walking by, in line at the store, from the next table out to eat, etc), but the times where people have actually started talking to my son, they also end up complimenting on how smart he is, how well he converses with adults, how big his vocabulary is, how funny he is, how polite he is, how well he can follow directions, etc. And that usually ends up being far more 'impressive' to people than their initial opinion of his good looks.

With a cute kid, you are going to get comments, thats just how it is! And you cant really fault people for saying something, they are just being nice and saying what they think, and I doubt that they have ill-intent. And they dont realize how many times you've already heard the same comment already that day.

Its more important to teach your child what is important to you and emphasize those qualities yourself, because you as mom have more weight in what your child hears than a whole bunch of random people's opinions.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Around here, the blonde hair/blue eyes isn't as valuable. I think it's regional.

I have two daycare kids who model and do commercials. Neither one of them is shallow. They work hard, and enjoy it. Yes, they are both strikingly attractive, but not full of themselves. (they are both boys.. so, maybe that's why)

It's SOOOO much work on the part of the moms. They have to get all the kids up, bring the sibling to me, and go to wherever the tryouts are, then they wait a few days to see if they get a callback. If they get a callback, then the parents have to do that again, and they still might not get the job. The oldest of the two is always sad when he doesn't get a job. The youngest one doesn't think much about it.

I wouldn't get myself involved in modeling because it's so much work for the parents and I don't have that kind of time. My job isn't flexible enough for me to do that. So, if someone kept suggesting it, I'd just say "That would never work with out schedule, it would be too stressful".


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## widemouthedfrog (Mar 9, 2006)

Yep. I am not a particularly stunning-looking person, but I was a very tall blonde child. Everyone used to tell me that I should be a runway model. I was also a total introvert. No way was I going to go up on stage and show off clothes!

So I would consistently use a "pass the bean dip" kind of statement. Yeah, I considered modeling occasionally, but really, who wants the hassle and the stress of having to be beautiful? I'm also completely non-photogenic.

Growing up, these comments didn't make me feel good about myself or better than other people. As a shy kid, they just made me feel awkward about myself because I stood out and I didn't want to stand out. But I soon realized that there was really nothing I could do: if you have an obvious difference, people will comment on it because that's what people do. It's irritating and you can brush it off or you can tell very persistent people right out that you are not interested.

My daughter? Also tall, also white-blonde, and people also comment. I just smile and say, "Yes, she is tall, just like her mother." I think that sometimes people are just looking for an acknowledgment of the obvious. It's a connecting point for them. On my more-tired days, I have considered making a hat for her that says, "Yes, I'm tall."


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

As PPs have said, children tend not to have done much else to distinguish themselves. Your son probably doesn't have a PhD in astrophysics, he probably hasn't sailed around the world, hasn't chained himself to a tree to help save the rainforest. So people light upon the distinguishing feature he does have and comment on it. Both my children received the same comments, that they could be baby models. I think it's what people say, just another way to saw "aw, cute!" It sounds like, in your neck of the woods, they might be a little more serious, but still, what they're essentially saying is that he's super cute.

But as far as not using his looks to advance himself, I mean, hey, why not? I'm talking as an adult here. In my opinion, looks are just one more way people have to stand out. People are born with certain mental propensities. Your son might eventually show to special proclivity for math. He'll have to learn about it and work a bit, but he was born with it (or whatever the characteristic might be) same as he was born with his looks. And, fwiw, you have to work on your looks too. He could be Johnny Depp, but if he doesn't shower regularly and groom himself, eat right, exercise, etc. no one is going to notice. I mean, heck, look at Demi Moore. She works at it & invests in it. I get that you don't want your kid to grow up vain and shallow, but I don't think that's necessarily going to happen, even if people do praise him for his looks. You get to teach him values.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

My kids get comments - my Dd especially did. People were always saying how big and pretty her eyes were. They are the opposite of blond hair, fair skinned kiddos. My youngest gets a whole lot of, "he's sooo cute!" I do happen to agree; I make stunning babies, ahem, but for the most part, I think it's just a conversational piece. All you know when you walk by or are standing in line by someone is based on their appearance, yk? You can't exactly comment on how smart they are if you've only barely glanced at them. It's similar how strangers comment on what an "easy" baby you have, simply because he happens to not be fussing at that moment.

If relatives or friends were always insisting I put my kids in modeling, I'd just tell them it's not something we are interested in, and take it as compliment. No biggie.

It's not so much that people put a ton of value in a child's looks... it's just that as I said, it's really all they have to go off of on a first impression. And if people I had gotten to know better always talked about it, I'd probably wonder if my kid's behavior or personality was lacking, and thus why the only thing they ever got positive comments on were how adorable they were and how nicely dressed they were. People like to give compliments, as it's a friendly gesture. That's all.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

With all due respect to everyone who responded that what I am describing is no big deal, this is a *vent* about something that drives me batty. I think society's focus on looks is very unhealthy. I don't care if someone is just trying to be nice or make conversation. I don't like it!

I think people are missing the point. To me a focus on looks is a bad thing, almost offensive. I don't think I need to get over my attitude as it is cultivated from many years of experience and observation (including living in Los Angeles for five years...yikes! What a body-image dysfunctional place!). It is one of the main reasons I chose to have a visual media-free household for my son.

I think I agree with a PP who said "if you have an obvious difference, people will comment on it because that's what people do." This is probably part of it honestly. When we go out to library storytime or some such my son is often the only blond kid in a sea of dark hair, so he gets lots and lots of comments about his blondness. No doubt this is because of the novelty rather than anything inherent y'know. I have an easier time letting this slide.

I do wish that people felt it impolite to comment so freely on the appearance of a child. It is not something we do to adults because to do so would be seen as very rude. Children are seen by many to be much closer to objects than people and I think that plays a part. I do think that constant comments can be damaging to a child. A good friend of mine has a very pale white-blond daughter with a super-curly 'fro, and she has gotten comments on it every day of her life, to the point that now, at seven years old she *hates* her hair. When people comment on her hair in public now she panics because she feels like a freak. I used to have waist-length red hair and I got comments every day...it was soooo wearying (and working in customer service at the time didn't help). To the point that I finally just chopped it off to regain my sanity. Even positively intended, constant focus on one's appearance is damaging.

Yes, I get to teach my child values, but I foresee having my teaching constantly sabotaged by society. Frustrating at the least. And whether he maintains his cuteness throughout life is rather beside the point I think. Rather the point is that value society places on good looks is way out of proportion, and I happen to have to deal with the reprocussions of that right now. Sadly.

FWIW my kid is only 17 months old so there is a long road ahead.


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Nothing to offer, just feel like venting right along with ya. DD has had four years of hearing how pretty she is and how cute her little dresses are and it is completely disgusting. What can you really do about it though, never leave your house? Be happy he's a boy.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl*
> 
> I got cornered *(again) by a family friend at Thanksgiving* who proceeded to talk my ear off about why I *needed* to get DS into child modeling
> 
> ...


I don't agree with most of the posters here. If the OP was complaining/venting about random people or a neighbor that was only concerned with her LO's BEAUTY- then I would agree with the PP. This is a Friend of the Family Member and the only thing, ONLY THING this person wants to talk about is the LO's beauty. OP has told this family member that she's not interested in getting her LO into modeling, but the lady isn't taking the hint. What, do you think, is her reason that you HAVE to get him into modeling/acting? Does she think it will secure his future? Does she really know how much work this whole process is for YOU, and how stressfull it would be as a lifestyle? What have you told this lady? Have you explained that you have NO interest in this? I don't think it's your job to explain your reasons for not wanting your LO to get into modeling/acting. Your reasons are your own, and matter not to this lady.

As for the strangers that say this- you have to understand that it's simply a compliment. Even if you are offended, or don't agree with the idea of modeling/acting the comment itself is ment to tell you that you've a beautiful child, and that the whole world would love this kiddo as well. Many people see acting and modeling as a viable way for children to get a college education fund started, and thus why many people suggest that your beautiful LO should be modeling. JUst thank them and tell them that you and DH will consider it  They don't need to know that you've decided against it 

You listed your reasons for what you don't want. These three stuck out at me...

*I do not want him to even know that other people judge him favorably simply because they think he is cute.*

*I really don't want him to expect benefit from his looks.*

*I really, really, really don't want him to grow up to be shallow*.

I disagree with these points. These things you've listed are things that happen if the PARENTS place emphasis on looks/appearence/behavior alone. There are hundereds of thousands of child actors/models and you cannot lump them all together as Shallow and Expecting benefits due to beauty and good things only because they are pretty....those things happen even if you don't act/model. These are result of lifestyle and parenting. IF you were to get your LO into acting/modeling then it would be up to you, the PARENT, to ensure that LO isn't developing a big head 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *stik*
> 
> "Oh, he would hate it. Have you tried the bean dip?"


I would use these for the family or friends that don't take the hint.

I like this. Also, "DH & I will give that some thought. Did you watch Days of our lives yesterday?" and "That isn't something we are going to discuss. Have you tried the Bean Dip today?" No matter what you say to this lady- keep repeating it, over and over and over. Also, don't let her get to you! If she makes you mad/angry over this issue then stop interacting with her! Say Hello, and stay away from her. You would be amazed at how the simple art of avoidance can effect someone else. Then when she does want to know why you've avoided her then you tell her you are offended because she only wants to discuss LO's Modeling and BEAUTY. What about the new tripple flipper back flip that was developed the other day? What about the latest coloring page, the piano practice, the video game marathon- WHATEVER your kid's in to.

Happy Holidays!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

OP: FWIW, my oldest got lots of comments on how cute he was, followed by many comments on what a good-looking young man he was turning into. Objectively (if I try really hard to forget he's my son, and try to picture him as a random young man walking down the street, from the perspective of someone roughly his age), he's a very good-looking guy...great build (he's a gymnast), high cheekbones, dimples, etc. However, his perception of his looks is quite different. He thinks he has "weird" ears, "stupid" hair, and ugly teeth (his teeth are perfectly normal, with one small chip from falling off his bike about a week after his first adult tooth came in). He certainly doesn't expect to benefit from his good looks, and he's not shallow at all. He's had a lot of feedback about his good looks, but very little of it has come from us, and it's certainly never been the thing we most value about him, yk? (He is quite concerned with his appearance these days, but that's about 90% because he wants to be an actor, and knows that his appearance is very, very important in that field.)

I can understand why the level of commenting you're receiving would be frustrating, and the family friend would have had me wanting to rip out my hair (or possibly hers)! But, even this kind of emphasis does not mean he's going to grow up thinking he's better than others because he's cute, or that he's going to be shallow. You're not sending that kind of message at all, and you are the primary teacher of values in his life. He will figure out eventually that other people respond favourably to him because of his looks, but that doesn't mean he'll behave differently or internalize an "I'm better than less physically attractive people" vibe.

It's funny....I frequently comment on cute kids that I see out and about, but it really has very little to do with looks in my case. Some kids just exude massive levels of that "if it wouldn't be really creepy, since I'm a total stranger, I'd just pick you up and squeeze you" vibe and/or a real...spark (a little mischievous, a little outgoing, a little...something), and those kids are just uber-cute, no matter what they look like.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> It's funny....I frequently comment on cute kids that I see out and about, but it really has very little to do with looks in my case. Some kids just exude massive levels of that "if it wouldn't be really creepy, since I'm a total stranger, I'd just pick you up and squeeze you" vibe and/or a real...spark (a little mischievous, a little outgoing, a little...something), and those kids are just uber-cute, no matter what they look like.


yes. Kids ARE cute. At least I think so. I've never really met an ugly baby, to be honest. and like you are saying, it's not exactly about looks, but more so their disposition. I am a baby person, though, so a teeny tiny newborn gets me gushing every time. I almost always nudge DH or comment to my own kid, "look at that precious baby!" and have no problem saying how adorable someone's infant or toddler are while out in public. To me, an under 5 yr old, and especially an under 3 year old, are these cute little creatures.

OP, I also always received comments when my hair was to my butt. I couldn't go into a gas station without someone saying how beautiful (or how long - duh) my hair was. But it didn't really bother me, so I guess that's the difference. I did find it a bit odd when I'd say, "Thanks, but I'm thinking about cutting it." and people would say NO! don't do it. I mean, why do they care? But alas, I did finally chop it off and a much happier that it's easier to maintain now. But I didn't do it b/c I was sick of the comments. So, see, adults do in fact comment on other adults' appearances. Just not as often as with small children, b/c grown huge adults are no where near as cute as children are. And cute sometimes means just small, child-like, innocent things.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> It's funny....I frequently comment on cute kids that I see out and about, but it really has very little to do with looks in my case. Some kids just exude massive levels of that "if it wouldn't be really creepy, since I'm a total stranger, I'd just pick you up and squeeze you" vibe and/or a real...spark (a little mischievous, a little outgoing, a little...something), and those kids are just uber-cute, no matter what they look like.












I am guilty of this as well. Its not so much the looks but the whole package- an impish grin, a chubby knuckle, a sparkle in the eye. My son and I have a running joke where after I admire a baby and make some comment about how cute they are (that by now I have learned is most likely horribly offensive) I bend down and whisper to "Quick, you distract they mom and I will grab the baby(toddler) and run!". Some kids you just can't resist!

But back to the OP, I still strongly believe that as a parent you ultimately control how the child measures their self worth. Yes you have society sending all kinds of mixed messages. We do live in a society that values personal appearance. But plenty of "gorgeous" kids grow up to be well balanced, well adjusted members of society, who go on to live happy lives.

I hear you that is vent and you of course entitled to that vent!! Heck that is what ia vent is all about, getting things off your chest!! But I don't think you are going to be able to change the immediate future and well meaning friends, relatives and strangers are going to continue to say those type of things. So keep the bean dip comments at the tip of your tongue and know that your values will have far more weight than the opinions of these people.


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v372/n6502/abs/372169a0.html

http://www.jyi.org/volumes/volume6/issue6/features/feng.html

Food for thought...


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl*
> 
> FWIW my kid is only 17 months old so there is a long road ahead.


At 17mo, you're probably about half way there. As baby's start looking like kids, the comments slow down - they've slowed down for my son and he's almost 2. He hasn't gotten any less cute, but he doesn't look like a baby anymore.

Your ds will also start getting LOTS more interesting in other ways very soon - my ds has always been fascinating to me for a million different reasons, but family and friends REALLY got interested in the things he was doing - cause he was doing a lot more!

I still think you should just try to diffuse it, being super offended that people think your ds is cute is over reacting. By agreeing with people, and then changing the subject, they feel like you respected what they had to say, and they are more likely to move on. If you tell them, Please don't comment on that, I don't think people should focus on his looks" you make them feel defnesive and they defend their position - it creates more of a problem than you need. It also calls more attention to your ds, and the fact that everyone thinks he's gorgeous. The one family friend that harasses you for hours on end - she is weird and not the norm.

Additionally, when one of my friends looks great, I tell her! If someone puts up a great picture on facebook I comment and say they look great/beautiful/etc - I DO comment freely on my friends looks, and if I see someone with great shoes, or a great jacket or something, I will tell them (yes even strangers), "I love your shoes!" "I love your outfit!" etc. Usually, I get some surprised, "Oh, thanks! I just got them and I love them!" or "Thanks!" and they usually stand up a bit straighter and walk off with a smile - which I don't think is a bad thing. I certainly hope I never say anything nice to you though, since after reading your posts I would probably get chewed out.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Exactly. It's nice to hear nice things about ourselves or our kids.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Additionally, when one of my friends looks great, I tell her! If someone puts up a great picture on facebook I comment and say they look great/beautiful/etc - I DO comment freely on my friends looks, and if I see someone with great shoes, or a great jacket or something, I will tell them (yes even strangers), "I love your shoes!" "I love your outfit!" etc. Usually, I get some surprised, "Oh, thanks! I just got them and I love them!" or "Thanks!" and they usually stand up a bit straighter and walk off with a smile - which I don't think is a bad thing. I certainly hope I never say anything nice to you though, since after reading your posts I would probably get chewed out.


I do too. I'd love to hear people say how great I look.

I'm not as easily impressed by kid's looks anymore. I've seen millions of really cute kids. So, now, the kids have to have that winning personality to impress me. I have some students who are freaking adorable! But, it's THEM that is adorable, if I posted a picture of them, nobody would say "aww how cute". But, to me, they are the cutest kids ever.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> I certainly hope I never say anything nice to you though, since after reading your posts I would probably get chewed out.


Only if what you said was in regards to my super-awesome bodacious beautifulness...so probably won't be an issue


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

I get a lot of comments on how cute DD is, mostly about her smile, her jabbering, and her eyes and eyelashes. I think a lot of the time what people are talking about is that she's engaged, always interacting with the world. I haven't met your DS, but maybe he has a similar quality, and that's where some of the comments are coming from. though I agree that the woman from your OP is taking things way too far, maybe she's trying to live out a fantasy of her own through your son or something.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> At 17mo, you're probably about half way there. As baby's start looking like kids, the comments slow down - they've slowed down for my son and he's almost 2. He hasn't gotten any less cute, but he doesn't look like a baby anymore.


Eesh, don't count on it. I've been waiting for the comments about DD to stop since she was a newborn. I thought they might taper off at 3-4 months, when she'd lost that "aww, so tiny to be out in public, when was she born??" vibe... and then again when she learned to walk, when she was harder to see  and lost a bit of the "baby" look. She's nearly three, and still gets floods of compliments... and yes, she is embarrassingly, Aryanly blonde and blue-eyed. (Very few "model" comments though - this is New Zealand, it's hardly the media hub of the world!)

I'm now scientifically curious to see if the compliments will stop when the next baby's born. I know people often tend to focus on the smallest, softest, squishiest human present. 

I go back and forth on whether it bugs me. Mostly the ones that annoy me are people - usually older ladies - who comment is a rather pointed way how Nice it is to see a girl wearing a dress. DD does wear dresses most of the time, because she likes them, but I don't consider it some kind of moral imperative. She sometimes wears pants. And I sort of resent moral approval being masked as a compliment - you know? Like people who tell me they love my long hair, but in a way that makes it clear they believe women should have long hair, not that they think mine's pretty. And again, I don't have any moral objections to short hair, so it makes me feel guilty and judged anyway. 

And I do think personality plays into it. DD often gets compliments when she starts unconsciously dancing around to the piped music in a supermarket, or when she's chattering precociously away at my knee, or when she starts singing songs from my singing group (which are often in Latin or German or something - it really is gorgeous!). "Cute" doesn't always mean facial features, it can be a general vibe. My nephew pretty much looks like a monkey, but he has the most engaging smile and wriggles with delight all the time, and gets heaps of compliments as well.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

My one liner would be "We're trying to raise him to be healthy, sane and well-balanced. Introducing him to one of the most UNhealthy, INsane, DEstabilizing dynamics ever would feel almost like child abuse. Oooh, have you tried the bean dip?" 

And I haven't read other responses but just so you know you're not alone, I actually went so far as auditioning dd for child modeling and when they said they wanted to sign her I finally came to my senses and said "Oh no, no, what am I thinking... that would be wrong on so many levels" and we haven't thought about it again since.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> Around here, the blonde hair/blue eyes isn't as valuable. I think it's regional.
> 
> ...


That whole description of what it takes exhausted me just to read it. And that reality of what it takes to do child modeling also gets into why I think - on top of all my anti-commercialism reasons for not wanting to do it, I truly think that if you do it up to/past a certain age of child, they start to absorb all kinds of messed up messages about themselves, what's valuable about them, etc.

There is no question that we are the biggest influences on our kids, but the reality of modeling even as a child is that it can plant some very disturbing seeds in kids and foster some messed up competition and self-image that I can't really imagine ever voluntarily exposing my kid to.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

As important as I think it is to teach children to not value looks, to value personality and accomplishments more...

I think it is more important to teach them to accept compliments graciously.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *happysmileylady*
> 
> As important as I think it is to teach children to not value looks, to value personality and accomplishments more...
> 
> I think it is more important to teach them to accept compliments graciously.


I agree. I think hyperreacting to any physical complement because you hate any reference to looks is STILL overly focused on looks. In a negative way, perhaps, but the strength of feeling will still make an impression on a child. If a child is athletically gifted, and someone complements them on, IDK, making 15 free throws in 20 seconds or whatever--what message does it send to the child if the parent immediately steps in to say, "Yeah, well, he got an A in math too!" I think that the parent might feel it is telling the child that they think of them as well rounded, I think many children interpret it as "Wow, mom is embarassed by me playing basketball."

I think we need to be careful. Are you (the general you) giving your kids the impression that you are embarassed by their appearance? I know some kids that do feel that way--not because their parents are abusive monsters, but because they cannot accept a complement that's not academic or "success" oriented, they swoop in to bat down or "correct" the complement. That gives not so nice messages too.

Personally, I think a polite "Thank you" to a complement while saying "But no thank you to the modeling, we don't have the time as a family right now" is the best way to go. It keeps it neutral, hopefully less intense, and you're not treating a child's appearance like a disease.

It makes me sad when people perpetuate the idea that all beautiful people are stuck up, stupid, or unaccomplished. There are tons of ugly people who are that. And many beautiful and ugly people that are the opposite. I think we have to be very careful in "defending" our kids against our societal pet peeves that we don't unintentionally give them a very different message than the one we perceive we're giving.

And if people do not think that "accomplishments" are sometimes very much generated in the same accident-of-birth way as looks (and personality) then I think that probably the people who think that don't know very many accomplished people. Some accomplished people are rather stupid. Mean. Unethical. And some people who have no worldly accomplishments to speak of are breathtakingly beautiful (on the inside, or outside, or both). IMO, I don't see beauty, external accomplishments, personality, or brains in a hierarchy. They are nice things to have. So are compliments. I think that deciding one amongst that group is somehow horrible and never to be mentioned is just as wrong as lifting one up as the end all be all. And it also neglects the fact that most people will have none in any large measure, and we can still be fulfilled and happy anyway--and there are many people who have more than one (if not all) in a high degree who are NEVER happy or fulfilled.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smokering*
> 
> And I do think personality plays into it. DD often gets compliments when she starts *unconsciously dancing around to the piped music in a supermarket, or when she's chattering precociously* away at my knee, or when she starts singing songs from my singing group (which are often in Latin or German or something - it really is gorgeous!). "Cute" doesn't always mean facial features, it can be a general vibe. My nephew pretty much looks like a monkey, but he has the most engaging smile and wriggles with delight all the time, and gets heaps of compliments as well.


Yeah, my ds gets compliments all the time - but he's also almost always doing something adorable (what can I say, I'm biased) - like dancing, talking, echoing every.single.thing.I.say. etc. We get plenty of model comments, but most of the time ds engages everyone he see's, always wants to say hi to people, and people LOVE being said hi to by a toddler - it just makes everyone's day!


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smokering*
> 
> And I do think personality plays into it. DD often gets compliments when she starts *unconsciously dancing around to the piped music in a supermarket, or when she's chattering precociously* away at my knee, or when she starts singing songs from my singing group (which are often in Latin or German or something - it really is gorgeous!). "Cute" doesn't always mean facial features, it can be a general vibe. My nephew pretty much looks like a monkey, but he has the most engaging smile and wriggles with delight all the time, and gets heaps of compliments as well.


Yeah, my ds gets compliments all the time - but he's also almost always doing something adorable (what can I say, I'm biased) - like dancing, talking, echoing every.single.thing.I.say. etc. We get plenty of model comments, but most of the time ds engages everyone he see's, always wants to say hi to people, and people LOVE being said hi to by a toddler - it just makes everyone's day!


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## Aka mommy (Feb 25, 2005)

"No thanks, I'd rather not end up with a Lindsey Lohan in 15 years". That was my most recent remark to an agent that stopped us and tried to give me her card for my middle dd. She didn't have a remark and it stunned her so much i was able to scurry off.

Honestly, i get it. While i think all my children are beyond beautiful and i find pleasure in it, because they are mine, it isn't something i enjoy other people commenting on or even noticing. My middle dd is the one who gets it the most, she is stunning. She has huge big full lips with a huge smile (don't get me started on the comments my sisters or close friends have made about it for when she's a teen and what boys will think about that!), she has huge almond shaped eyes, perfect flawless skin and naturally highlighted blondish hair. It never ends and we get comments constantly. BUT my oldest dd (who is equally as beautiful imo) does NOT get the same attention and at 7, it's starting to hit her. She often asks afterwards why they didnt say she was beautiful, if mommy thinks shes just as pretty as her sister, and could she be a model? It has made me so annoyed with people's obsession with beauty that i want to just tell them all that my kids are SMART, kind, empathetic and amazing. Leave out the beauty, because one day it fades. Its the other things that are important to me as a mother, that will last their entire life. And when someone compliments me on how well behaved, how polite, how kind, how empathetic, how smart or how loving they are . . . those are the compliments that i love. Because i know those are the things that will carry them through life.

So yes, I understand and i've started resorting to sarcasm and freezing humor because we live near quite a few talent agencies and when we are visiting my gma, we are inundated with it. Just part of life, my goal though is to teach my middle dd that beauty isn't the end all be all and my oldest daughter, that whats in her brain and heart are WAY more powerful than her looks will ever be. And my son, to respect everyone regardless of how they look! Good luck mama

ETA: as i read over other responses, and this is not my response to general compliments. To those who comment on one or all kids looks, a simple thank you suffices and my kids know to say thank you. This is to teh agent types who are relentless and follow you around as if they are a shark after blood. Seriously, they don't leave you alone at a simple "No thank you". It gets to teh point that my personal privacy and space feels violated, and thats when i respond with sarcasm and biting humor.


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## Lollybrat (Sep 18, 2008)

OP - I respect your right to these feelings and I respect your right to vent about them. I remember your thread from a year ago. I was puzzled by it then and I'm still puzzled by it now.

My son is absolutely beautiful. He was a beautiful baby, a beautiful toddler, a beautful preschooler, and is now a beautiful little boy. But not everyone sees his beauty as I do. DS has yellow-grey-blonde hair, very light blue eyes behind thick glasses, and skin the color of copy paper. Sometimes strnagers told us how cute he was as a baby. But just as often, his whole life people have asked us, "Why does he look like that? Why is he so white?" and they do not mean it nicely. Our son was eventually diagnosed with a form of albinism (a pigment disorder).

By the time DS was 18 months he was showing signs of developmental delays that would eventually be diagnosed as autism: no babbling, no words, very little eye contact, odd reactions to common objects, and he did not "engage" strangers when we were out in the community. People would watch him and ask, "What is wrong with him?" They were not kind about it.

I understand that you are frustrated and I do respect that you need to vent. At the same time a part of me thinks, what a wonderful thing you have to have to complain about, if the worst thing strangers usually say about your child is that he is beautiful.

Enjoy your little one, and don't let the comments of others get you down.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

DS has gotten a lot of people in the grocery store and where not, stop to tell us how handsome he is (mostly men oddly enough). The way they say it is with total honesty and a little shock. Like they are suprized a couple of untouchables like DH and I could have such a handsome baby.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

I know how irritating it is when people persist, as though they are trying to either convince me to be just as prejudiced as they are, or are using it as a way to knock me for not having those qualities. I'm half Mexican and half Swiss, my mother is the Swiss one and therefore so is all of her family. A couple years ago, her uncle and his wife visited and would not stop praising Sophia's blonde hair, blue eyes, blonde curls, alabaster skin, oh, she is so perfect! she's the epitome of American Beauty, I can't stop looking at her. blah blah blah, completely ignoring my other daughter's beauty because... well, I don't know, they're prejudiced insensitive [email protected]@#$. I appreciated the initial compliment, Sophia is so cute, yes, thank you, and so is Abigail! but when they just wouldn't quit, as though it was the only nice thing they could say about either of my children, as if they were so freaking shocked that the likes of me could produce such cuteness, it did get annoying and I really had no idea what to say, but found myself looking forward to the end of the picnic visit in the park and seeing them off.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *~PurityLake~*
> 
> I know how irritating it is when people persist, as though they are trying to either convince me to be just as prejudiced as they are, or are using it as a way to knock me for not having those qualities. I'm half Mexican and half Swiss, my mother is the Swiss one and therefore so is all of her family. A couple years ago, her uncle and his wife visited and would not stop praising Sophia's blonde hair, blue eyes, blonde curls, alabaster skin, oh, she is so perfect! she's the epitome of American Beauty, I can't stop looking at her. blah blah blah, completely ignoring my other daughter's beauty because... well, I don't know, they're prejudiced insensitive [email protected]@#$. I appreciated the initial compliment, Sophia is so cute, yes, thank you, and so is Abigail! but when they just wouldn't quit, as though it was the only nice thing they could say about either of my children, as if they were so freaking shocked that the likes of me could produce such cuteness, it did get annoying and I really had no idea what to say, but found myself looking forward to the end of the picnic visit in the park and seeing them off.


That is wretched on so many levels.

I have had people come up to me and ask where my son gets his good looks. I can only assume they think his father is the gorgeous one.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

There can be aspects of "she's so cute" that are not nice - like when people are just a little TOO effusive, or when they say your husband must be a real looker (thanks!), or in our area it's pageants. When are you going to put her in pageants! Approximately never? But for the most part people ARE just trying to be nice and make conversation.

One person who corners you and won't back off is obnoxious. People randomly saying your kid is cute and should be in commercials? Are just trying to be nice. I'm not looking for things to get upset about, I just say thank you. A lot. And I'm glad people are trying to be nice, even if it's kind of superficial.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

> That is wretched on so many levels.
> 
> I have had people come up to me and ask where my son gets his good looks. I can only assume they think his father is the gorgeous one.


Oh my. Open mouth, insert foot. The things people say thoughtlessly.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

I think people are missing a key aspect of the original poster's concern. What is said to children, over and over and over again affects them. It helps shape their conception of self and who they believe they can become. Particularly for girls it is a disturbing message to hear again and again that people are defining you by your looks. There are many troublesome components of this. As one poster mention often this attention is not distributed evenly in the family and and a child may hear every day the suggestion that her sister is prettier. Such frequent comments can feel like a kind of monitoring feeding into dieting among other troublesome behaviors.


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## GreenGranolaMama (Jul 15, 2009)

I can honestly say that I was slightly unprepared for the whole 'strangers commenting on looks' type of thing when I had DS -

DH and I went into a shop that we frequent regularly on a date night a few weeks ago. I went to school with one of the girls who works there and I guess my MIL (who was babysitting DS that day) coincidentally went into the shop with DS earlier that day. DH approached our friend who was working to say hi with one of her co workers commented on how cute our DS is and how much cuter he is than our friends baby. DH said she looked mortified. : ( I was unaware of this exchange until we got in the car and DH told me about it. And to set things straight, her baby is completely and totally adorable.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kriket*
> 
> DS has gotten a lot of people in the grocery store and where not, stop to tell us how handsome he is (mostly men oddly enough). The way they say it is with total honesty and a little shock. Like they are suprized a couple of untouchables like DH and I could have such a handsome baby.


I wouldn't think that they are shocked by you and your dh having such a beautiful baby - my ds gets that too. Even teenage boys comment on my ds's eyes - they are stunning, and the teen boys get the biggest smiles from ds, they always comment on how beautiful his eyes are, and have that same honesty and shock that you are talking about. It's pretty funny, and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with me. Or, I'm going to assume its nothing to do with me :lol


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Or when my husband's sister says, wow, Sophia is so athletic and so energetic and so cute, she's definitely a (*insert my husband's family's last name*)!


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Roar*
> 
> I think people are missing a key aspect of the original poster's concern. What is said to children, over and over and over again affects them. It helps shape their conception of self and who they believe they can become. Particularly for girls it is a disturbing message to hear again and again that people are defining you by your looks. There are many troublesome components of this. As one poster mention often this attention is not distributed evenly in the family and and a child may hear every day the suggestion that her sister is prettier. Such frequent comments can feel like a kind of monitoring feeding into dieting among other troublesome behaviors.


A child will learn more from her parent's reaction to random people's random comments than she EVER will from those comments. If you want your child to be kind to strangers, you have to model that and not get irritated when random people are just trying to be nice.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Just wait a few months! When my dd1 was about 18mo - 2 yrs old she used to get the compliments all the time, too. One time we saw an old friend in the grocery store. I was saying to dd1, "Look, there's B," as B was walking toward us and dd1 turned around in the cart and glared at B and said loudly, "I'M *NOT* A PRETTY GIRL!" before friend B even had a chance to get a word out. It was a preemptive strike on dd1's part. She was heading off any potential compliments at the pass.

What can I say. She didn't like, and still doesn't, being singled out unless it's on her own terms. (Loves to dance on stage for applause, but can't take a compliment.)

So, OP, if you really don't like the compliments/comments on his looks, teach him to say, "I'm NOT a pretty boy!", or you could say something along the lines of, "yeah, he's a cutie. Kids are just made to be cute, aren't they? He's beautiful/cute/great on the inside, too, though, and that's what really matters." As for the modeling, I agree with the other posters that in the original situation where the other mom who does have her kid in modeling is around you kinda have to bite your tongue a little bit. I think the suggestion of, "It's not really our thing and sure is a lot of work for the parents, too," is good. If you can speak more freely, I think it's absolutely fine to say, "I don't really want to use him to sell stuff, but thanks for the compliment."


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## Lamashtu (Aug 8, 2010)

I wouldn't worry about this; it happens to most kids. When someone compliments your son, just say "thank you". If they suggest modeling, just say that you don't think he'd like it. Easy peasy!


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *happysmileylady*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I see it as a lot more complicated than that. In reality children are influenced by people other than parents. If we didn't believe that we'd just leave them in the care of random strangers without giving it a thought. For most teen girls I worry a lot less than they'd end up impolite, and a lot more about depending on these comments or feeling pressure based on receiving them. I don't think anyone is suggesting that the poster go about trying to model being rude, but rather there is a point where these comments can be damaging and it is appropriate for a parent to set limits.

Also, I think this may be a case where you have to have experienced it to really understand the matter of degree. The occasional comment is really different from being followed around in a public place or in the privacy of a family gathering.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I'm sure they aren't meaning DH and are are horrible looking lol  I recently started razzing people about "Oh? you're shocked he came out of us are you?"







He has unique eyes too, really deep blue that look unnatural (like his mother's







)

More to the point, people are going to comment on looks no matter what. What else is there to talk about? There is the weather and babies. It's always safe to talk about the rain, and how cute someone's baby is. People who ask intrusive questions like when you are going to get them into acting or modeling or pagents are nuts. They probably ask big women when the baby is due. Some people have no brain-mouth filter and every thought they have comes out. I've noticed a lot of ladies have comments the Arian look is most praised and "All American Beauty". I find that people would rather look at (and praise) something unusual, Like a dark skinned baby with blue eyes, or crazy wild green eyes.

I also very much disagree that kids pick up more from random strangers than their parents. I had to re-learn a lot of things when I became older. My father is a bigot, and spouted a lot of things I have since found to not be so accurate. Things I could have learned from society or even just media, but instead, I got from my Dad, then later society let me know I had the wrong idea.

I think we don't leave our children in the care of strangers because we are worried about their safety, not becuase we think they will glean an eating disorder or become a racist. I leave DS with 'strangers' every day when I work out at the Y.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> I wouldn't think that they are shocked by you and your dh having such a beautiful baby - my ds gets that too. Even teenage boys comment on my ds's eyes - they are stunning, and the teen boys get the biggest smiles from ds, they always comment on how beautiful his eyes are, and have that same honesty and shock that you are talking about. It's pretty funny, and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with me. Or, I'm going to assume its nothing to do with me :lol


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## lilmom (Nov 9, 2008)

OP, I haven't read all the other posts but I wanted to chime in. We have the same issue with our son, who is very, very photogenic and cute. Since he was born we can hardly go anywhere without comments about how he should be in modeling or commercials, etc.

We have a different situation though, because DH and I are both former models ourselves. We both did it in our teenage years and early 20s. So we actually tell people, "Well, we did that ourselves and we would not want that life for our child, because it's not all that people think it is" and that shuts people up pretty fast. We save that line for the really annoying people. Most of the time, we just say Thank you and move on. Unless they are really pushing it.

The hardest part for us is the family members who do NOT understand why would not do it. But by now, since he's 3, they know we absolutely will not do it, and we are going to try our best to discourage him from doing it on his own when he grows up. It just really goes against the values we are trying to instill. So, I feel your pain, and I can say from personal experience, it absolutely will not benefit your child to do it, even if he makes money from it. Obviously, there are alot of things way more important than money!


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

People used to say that my son should be a model (when he was younger.) When people would bring up how adorable, beautiful (etc) he is, I would say things like "He's also quite a caring, sweet, kind, clever" (etc). I would then say something like "if only there was a way to showcase how thoughtful and kind a child is instead of focusing on outward appearance."


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

To the OP, I wonder what would happen if you were politely honest with this woman who is being so pushy with you? You have the right to disagree with her, even publicly. Just tell her, in polite terms, the same things you've told us.

The ball would be in her court. Yes, it IS confrontational. People might be shocked, but there is no fault in stating your opinion. She's free to disagree and engage you in civil discourse.

Quote:


> My daughter? Also tall, also white-blonde, and people also comment. I just smile and say, "Yes, she is tall, just like her mother." *I think that sometimes people are just looking for an acknowledgment of the obvious.* It's a connecting point for them. On my more-tired days, I have considered making a hat for her that says, "Yes, I'm tall."


I know I do this. Every time I see my nieces and nephews when it's been a while: Look how big you've grown! You're already six years old?? Wow, you're a ninth grader already?!







What, did I think they were going to stop growing?


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

relatives kept saying the "you've grown so much" to my sisters and I for like, 5 years after we stopped growing. seriously, it's just annoying when you haven't grown an eighth of an inch in several years. our aunts and uncles just expected us to have grown, so they were seeing it even though it wasn't there.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

"What do you think about the price of Tea in China?"

I use that one alot. And it takes long enough for the person to try and figure out what youre talking about that you can move on to a different topic very quickly.

However, I have a similiar issue now that my daughter is in dance. She perfomrs several times a year and this month alone she has 12 pictures on our communitys website. Everyone thinks she is so sweet in her little outfit and her little hat and big blue eyes.

But they dont look twice at her when we put her tinted glasses on and give her her leg braces and cane (she is VI).

She knows the difference even now at 6, and it bugs me. However, I try to ensure she knows that its b/c of how well she dances, not how cute she is that everyone wants to take her pictures.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

ALso having a child with Albinism, I understand completely. Altho her hair is grey. When she was a baby she had a NG feeding tube plasted to her face for her first year. I NEVER got those "ISnt she cute" comments. It broke my heart that no one thought she was cute. And even now, as beautiful as she is, you can see something is different.

I remember having a women say in a loud shrill voice "Oh my GOD. Look at how pale that kid is. I cant stop looking."

And all the people who tell us how beautiful she is all dressed up in her dance outfits dont give her a second glance when she has on her glasses (tinted green/grey to 70%), her White cane and her plastic leg braces.

Poor kid.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Roar*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Of course it's more complicated that, there's little in parenting than simple And of course, if someone is rudely pushing anything on you all the time, or following you repeating the same thing, yeah, you absolutely should say something to them. And that falls right back into modeling the behaviors we want our kids to have, I wouldn't want my kid to just put up with someone being rude like that all the time either.

But to come up with some snappy comeback to someone who is just giving a nice compliment, well I think that is really going to have the opposite effect from what the OP seems to want. If they start getting rude by following and insisting, yeah, then say something.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Marissamom*
> 
> relatives kept saying the "you've grown so much" to my sisters and I for like, 5 years after we stopped growing. seriously, it's just annoying when you haven't grown an eighth of an inch in several years. our aunts and uncles just expected us to have grown, so they were seeing it even though it wasn't there.


People grow in ways other than up. My cousin's appearance hasn't changed in years, (weight/height wise anyway), but every time I see her she looks more grown-up, more mature, older. People may stop getting taller, but they don't stop growing and changing, and becoming grown-ups. The changes are obvious to people who don't see you all the time, but they aren't obvious to you (general "you") - its meant to be a compliment, not an insult.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


except they usually did say something about being taller. there's a point at which it just gets annoying. if the relatives were saying we were more grown-up, it would have been totally different. but when someone is "stating the obvious" and says something that's completely not true, for years on end, it can get to the point where it's just insulting. like they don't actually bother to really pay attention to you to remember that you've been that tall for a few years now.


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