# Taking from the baby



## element2012 (Jun 13, 2011)

DD is 4 and DS is 5 months. We are running into an issue now with ownership and toys. Obviously because of the age difference, 95% of DDs toys she's had since before the baby came. She initially shared with DS to play with him, but now doesn't like him putting her toys in his mouth and drooling on them. I can understand that, and try to keep her toys out of his hands. But I do want to foster sharing, generosity and having a kind heart.

On the other side, she takes his toys/blankets (sometimes while he's using or laying on it!), and some toys she hides in her room so he can't use them. 

She was snatching things from his hands, and has gotten pretty good about at least "swapping".

As of right now, I am wanting to make a very clear rule of your toys are yours and his are his, neither of them can touch the others. But I know that doesn't foster sharing. Help!


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

We're still navigating this ourselves with my 6 year old and 1.5 year old. What worked for us at the beginning was to rearrange toys so that all of my DD1's things are in her room, and everything in the main living area is free for the baby to play with. If DD1 brings stuff into the main living area, it is then fair game for the baby to play with (assuming it's safe) as well. The "baby toys" generally have to stay where the baby can play with them, and the baby gets first dibs, although now that she's older I will take action if the little one is being really grabby. 

At this point, the baby really doesn't have anything of her own. Most of the toys in the main area are old things from DD1 that both girls enjoy (little people, blocks, kitchen stuff, trucks and cars, instruments, shape sorters and puzzles). 

My DD1 is 4.5 years older. I think time makes a big difference in them not really competing for territory as much. Your DD will certainly mature in the next year and be better able to understand your son's babyness, which should help.

There could very well be a symbolism going on with your daughter not wanting to share her stuff. For us the big issue for DD1 was the loss of my time and attention. She didn't show it in terms of "stuff," but your daughter may just be trying to figure out where she stands.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

The best analogy I ever heard about the 'older child' experience is this: suppose one day your partner comes home with a new (additional) partner and says "hi honey, _____ is going to join our family. S/he will fit right on and I will still love you just as much!!" This is the experience of the older sibling when the new baby joins the family. It is a huge adjustment!! I think this adjustment often gets reflected through toys and stuff, but is really a reflection of the big mixture of loss and grief (loss of 100% parental attention) and happiness about the new 'playmate' that isn't really quite capable of playing yet. The older sib gets to experience the power of being more adept at manipulating and managing 'stuff' due to developmental prowess.

That being said, it's still very frustrating to navigate day in and day out. 

I agree with keeping certain toys that do not have to be shared. Sharing is a process, not something we get right away. We share more when we learn that it feels good to share, not because we are forced to or told to. Your older child needs the respect that s/he is bigger and therefore able to use some toys that the baby can't use or is not ready for. 

Special time set aside with the older child is really really important at this stage. She needs to know that you still love her as deeply as you did before and that she can get your undivided attention some of the time.


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## VsAngela (Aug 12, 2015)

I have been encouraging them to share the toys and take turns. 

This is getting easier as my DS is around 19 months and is understanding and communicating with us, and DD is 4 this month. 


They are pretty good with making all the toys communal, and there are a few toys that are mainly for DS or DD.


For example DD's Baby Doll is hers so when DS picks it up I usually tell him to give it to her. But I also tell DD to let DS have a turn, and she usually complies


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## Rose-up (Feb 7, 2006)

What if you kept the majority of things communal use, but let your daughter find a safer home for a couple things that are really special or that might be ruined/gross from being mouthed by the baby? Then let her know that if the baby has drooled on something she wants to play with, she can ask you to help her wipe it off and then she's good to go. Sharing, and a way she can take action about the issue of slobbery toys without limiting the baby's access/exploration. 

The grabbing thing, imo, will be a really simple natural learning process in a few more months when the baby can/will snatch right back. Then you can point out how she doesn't like her stuff yanked from her hands and enlist her help in teaching the baby how to play kindly. I had good luck with my kids swapping toys with the baby, too, because it was such a good opportunity to show them how to "listen" to someone who can't use words -- if you swap something and the baby is content, perfect; if you swap and baby cries, you need to hand it back because they are not agreeing with the trade. It takes two to trade, and if one person says no you need to wait your turn.


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