# DD prefers Grandma, feeling sad...



## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

My almost 3 year old DD's staying at my parents' tonight because when we went to pick her up earlier she refused to come home. "I want to sleep at Grandma's, I don't want mummy!!"

After sweet talking to her and using all kinds of bribes and threats for quite a long time, she was still clinging onto my mother and refused to get into our car. My parents couldn't stand to see her cry, so we ended up letting her staying at my parents' tonight. My DH and I even had a bit of a fight in the car as for whether we should've just insisted on taking her home. She has always loved going to my parents' place and if I left her there for the day, she never cried or not letting me leave like when I left her at my MIL's sometimes during the day. I know that she loves my mother but it saddens me that I suddenly become non-existent as soon as my mother appears.

I believe that I've been a good mum and I love my DD dearly, and I know she's lucky that my mum and her get along so well, but I'm still kinda depressed right now that she told me to go home tonight.

My younger daughter has just turned one and I'm still her favourite, why do I feel right now that I only have one child???

Sigh.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

She doesn't love grandma more shes is just three. three year olds live in the hear and now so in her imediate now grandma has cookies or a pink blanket or cartoon on TV something that in the moment peeked her intrest even just the novility of being around grandma and that became her life. At three shes doesn't think latter I'll want mommy just NOW I want "grandma".
Saying that though you and DH are her parents your around to keep her safe and protected and I personally would No be using bribes or threats to cost a 3 year old (or any age) home. Allow her to stay that is fine perfectly fine but engaging in a battle at three will honestly jsut make things a lot worse down the road. (big feeling happen compromises and changed minds happen but engaging in bribes threats as you stated and I'm just going on your words not a great idea.
Be assured though again YOU are her favorite









Deanna


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

I agree with the PP.
My neices are 4 and 6 (7 next month) and they often do that to my poor SIL. Grandma (my mom) has different toys at her house, lots of treats and desserts, continually play games with them, let them watch the same movie a gazzilion times in a row, don't mind when they crawl in bed with them...lol things that as a child I remember with _my_ grandmothers not my mom. But when it comes down to it....mommy is the first one they ask for when something big" goes wrong. As much as it irks by brother and SIL they are also grateful that they are so close....they can leave them there without complaints when they need to go out. In fact I was very grateful to their closeness because it helped my son realize he can have fun there....we don't see my parents that often as we are in a different part of the province...but when my DH's granny was ill and I had to go home (8h away) to work DH would leave DS with my mom while he went to the hospital.

Do not worry....Mommy is number one!!


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## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

Thank you ladies for your encouragement and suggestion, it really helps.

I vowed not to become one of those parents (like my own parents and DH's) to think things like "oh I did this and that for you and love you and blah blah blah and this is how you repay me..." coz God knows I really didn't like the guilt trips my mum used to send me when I was younger. Then tonight I actually began feeling that way and felt like a failure.

As for the bribes and threats, I totally agree with you. What do you suggest I do when they're stubborn on wanting something that are not necessarily good for them, like the lollipops and chocolate before meal, and "I want to watch it again!!" after Sleeping Beauty has finished playing on DVD, or wanting more toothpaste on her toothbrush so that she could EAT it instead of brushing.... I usually do try to explain reasonably first but a lot of the times I feel like the only person who's listening to me is ME.... Sometimes I honestly don't know when to give in and when I need to put my foot down, without being in a battle with DD everytime, is it this confusing for other people?!









Also you're right, I do feel really lucky that both my in-laws and my own parents live close enough to help out every now and then. Without sounding ungrateful though, sometimes the downside is that the grandparents can't help themselves but to interfere with the way we raise our kids, THAT, actually doesn't help at all....

BUT!! I am glad that my kids have grandparents who adore them, even though sometimes maybe just a wee bit too much....


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I agree with what everyone else has said, but also, have you ever asked her - nicely, and calmly, not when you're feeling sad - what she likes most about being at her grandma's?

I know you assume it's the desserts or toys or whatever, but have you asked her? There may be some very valuable info in her answer. And whatever she answers, you should try to be ready to stay calm and not take anything personally, no matter what she says. Cuz like everyone's pointed out, she's a typical 3 yr old, can't really take things personally.

But you CAN listen... and even though she's only 3, I bet whatever her answer to why she likes Grandma's so much may have some clues as to how to handle a similar situation next time.

Good luck!


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

You should feel good that she is secure enough in your relationship to stay at grandmas. DD and DS both started sleepovers at grandpas at about 1 1/2 and they love it. Grandpa has a huge organic garden, and chickens, and rabbits, and he lets them get totally filthy, and reads 6 bedtime stories. I feel like a great mom that my kids are so secure in knowing i will come back that they can ask for a sleepover.

I get feeling a little jealous though, ds likes his daddy, grandpa, then big sister, then me.







I am lucky he likes nursing so much otherwise he might ignore me completely


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## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LROM* 
I agree with what everyone else has said, but also, have you ever asked her - nicely, and calmly, not when you're feeling sad - what she likes most about being at her grandma's?

I know you assume it's the desserts or toys or whatever, but have you asked her? There may be some very valuable info in her answer. And whatever she answers, you should try to be ready to stay calm and not take anything personally, no matter what she says. Cuz like everyone's pointed out, she's a typical 3 yr old, can't really take things personally.

But you CAN listen... and even though she's only 3, I bet whatever her answer to why she likes Grandma's so much may have some clues as to how to handle a similar situation next time.

Good luck!

No you're absolutely right, it's not just the desserts and toys and constant games and attention.... I think it's Grandma and Grandpa's slow pace with things and patience and DD feels the full security and love.... I do admit that DH and I probably don't do so well with the slow pace and patience parts... I WILL ask DD when she comes home for sure (if she comes home!!)

I guess it's a forever learning process for me.


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## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *a-sorta-fairytale* 
You should feel good that she is secure enough in your relationship to stay at grandmas. DD and DS both started sleepovers at grandpas at about 1 1/2 and they love it. Grandpa has a huge organic garden, and chickens, and rabbits, and he lets them get totally filthy, and reads 6 bedtime stories. I feel like a great mom that my kids are so secure in knowing i will come back that they can ask for a sleepover.

I get feeling a little jealous though, ds likes his daddy, grandpa, then big sister, then me.







I am lucky he likes nursing so much otherwise he might ignore me completely









Yes, jealous, that's what I am.... and quite heartbroken, being told by your own DD "I don't want to go to mummy's house, I want to stay at Grandma's".

Will try to have a big heart, I know eventually I will.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

It's hard isn't it.

I wanted to address one other thing, though, that really stuck out to me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mm22* 
After sweet talking to her and using all kinds of bribes and threats for quite a long time, she was still clinging onto my mother and refused to get into our car. My parents couldn't stand to see her cry, so we ended up letting her staying at my parents' tonight. My DH and I even had a bit of a fight in the car as for whether we should've just insisted on taking her home.

If I was trying to get the two kids in the car and telling the 3 year old repeatedly that she was going home and the grandparents did anything besides say, "It's time to go home. Do you want me to help with your carseat?" I would be pretty upset. For future occasions, I would really encourage you to talk with DH in advance about what was going to happen and then just do it. I don't know exactly how this situation went down (how much crying, how much time, how much...) but I really expect the grandparents to back up my parenting in front of my kids. If they later want to say to me, "I was really dissappointed DD couldn't spend the night when she wanted to so badly the other night" that is fine, but with what I understand I would expect the grandparents to peel the child off and pass them to mom & dad (or some variation of such).

Of course, we don't have families in the nearby area, so sleepovers are alwasy preplaned. With visits to friends houses, though, I have found that "giving in" (versus changing my mind) just leads to more of the behavior at the next visit. DS especially has had some friends who's moms come to pick them up and virtually refuse to leave and it happens Over and Over and Over.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

What Tired said. That dynamic you describe, with the bribing and threats and then eventually just giving in is destructive.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

TOTALLY one hundred percent normal. My 3 yr old would live with his "mimi" if I'd agree.


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## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2* 

If I was trying to get the two kids in the car and telling the 3 year old repeatedly that she was going home and the grandparents did anything besides say, "It's time to go home. Do you want me to help with your carseat?" I would be pretty upset. For future occasions, I would really encourage you to talk with DH in advance about what was going to happen and then just do it. I don't know exactly how this situation went down (how much crying, how much time, how much...) but I really expect the grandparents to back up my parenting in front of my kids. If they later want to say to me, "I was really dissappointed DD couldn't spend the night when she wanted to so badly the other night" that is fine, but with what I understand I would expect the grandparents to peel the child off and pass them to mom & dad (or some variation of such).

It's as if you've read my mind!!!!
Nope, my parents said and did A LOT more than just co-operating with my decision for my DD. They did initially say "Go home and come back tomorrow, Grandma will carry you to the car", but soon it became "Ah... just stay here for the night then, the girl is so little, it's so sad to see her upset like this.... ah she'll grow out of it when she's older, it's just a phase, forget it let her be.... " and as if you already knew my mum, no she doesn't REALLy try to peel DD off of her, sometimes I actually think my mum enjoys being wanted so much....

DH on the other hand, was saying angrily, "JUST GRAB HER AND PUT HER IN THE CAR". I didn't like that either.

I've tried talking to my parents about going along with what I say, at least in front of the kids, and the effects that overpowering my ways could have on my kids (what mummy says doesn't count, coz mummy has to listen to Grandma anyway). My parents always agree when I ask them to co-operate next time, but when the time actually comes, they always give in to whatever my 3 year old wants.

Luckily though on the other hand, my 13-month-old hasn't turned that way yet, otherwise I'll be heartbroken beyond repair....


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mm22* 
Luckily though on the other hand, my 13-month-old hasn't turned that way yet, otherwise I'll be heartbroken beyond repair....

You're not going to be heartbroken. You're going to step up and politely but FIRMLY insist when it's time to go. *You* are the authority in this scenario.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

My DD has said this about my mom and honestly it just makes me happy that she has such a great, loving, and attached relationship with my mom because she is absolutely wonderful. I would want nothing else, because if DH and I were wiped off the face of the earth tomorrow, how horrible would it have been of me not to foster that relationship between them? DD1 & DD2 would not have no one...
She is three...please don't get your feelings hurt or hold her accountable for everything she says. I promise I have heard that exact same statement from my DD many, many times- and I remember acting the same way as a child. But at the end of the day YOU are her #1, I promise.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I'm a tough one when it comes to stuff like that. I wouldn't have let my 3 year old tell me what to do nor would I have cared about my parents feelings in that situation. You are the parent, she should have come home with you. My twins are the same way with my parents especially my mom. But of course they "prefer" her over me. She gives them anything they want, does whatever they want, gives no discipline and gives them all the goodies they can stand. I try not to take offense to it b/c they are 3 and in their book, she is much better then I am. I try to remember that my kids will love/respect me b/c I don't give them everything they want and am teaching them rules, boundries, etc. My mom often critizes me and how I mother my children but I grew up in daycare so I'm not really sure why she thinks she is so much better at rearing children than I am?? My mom bought our love, just like she is doing with my kids.

I love my mom but she drives me crazy but at the end of the day, they are my kids and I will raise them the way I want. If she has a problem with it, it's not really her concern. I would chalk this up as a lesson learned and not let your parents (or your dd) run you down again b/c she got away with it this time, you can bet she will remember and do it again.

{{{hugs}}}


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
You're not going to be heartbroken. You're going to step up and politely but FIRMLY insist when it's time to go. *You* are the authority in this scenario.

just because her feelings are hurt though? impromptu sleepovers with grandparents were truly some of my fondest memories.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I went through this with my mom. Sh kept my ds for 3 weeks straight because of some things I had to take care of out of state (the first time he'd ever been away more than a night) and when I got back to ds she had taught him to call her mama and call me by my first name. I was devastated. He didn't want me to put him to bed, nothing. He cried for my mother for days every time she was out of sight (we were staying with her.)

Over time, as I have been consistent and treated him his age (my mom babies him, sometimes to an extreme, like putting him back in diapers and not letting him feed himself) it's balanced out again and while he still loves his grandma mommy is mommy again. It's really hard I know, I cried and cried the first night I was back and he wouldn't even sit on my lap. But just tonight he told me " I want mommy and Caleb house, no grandma house" :heart so give it time. Grandparents spoil so much that of course that's where they want to be. But eventually as I am finding with ds, he craves the structure and the "normalcy" of my expectations over my mom's sometimes inappropriate "spoiling."

I would NOT let my ds dictate where he sleeps, however. When I say it's time to let grandma go, it's time to let her go. Otherwise it sets the expectation that the child gets to pick and choose based on who is giving them what they want. That's a really slippery slope....


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## slimkins (Dec 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mm22* 
they always give in to whatever my 3 year old wants.

hehe... I think this is probably the answer to your problem.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

As for the bribes and threats, I totally agree with you. What do you suggest I do when they're stubborn on wanting something that are not necessarily good for them, like the lollipops and chocolate before meal, and "I want to watch it again!!" after Sleeping Beauty has finished playing on DVD, or wanting more toothpaste on her toothbrush so that she could EAT it instead of brushing.... I usually do try to explain reasonably first but a lot of the times I feel like the only person who's listening to me is ME.... Sometimes I honestly don't know when to give in and when I need to put my foot down, without being in a battle with DD everytime, is it this confusing for other people?!
You decide when its something worth saying no for or when its okay to let things go. Then you follow through allow your child to have there big feelings over it reflect feelings if needed provide necessary security and comfort and "move on". IF its a cronic issue the bigger picture may need to be addressed. So thye want a lolipop before dinner say no we need to eat something healthy first we can have a lolipop after. Allow her to say your mean its not fair and Grandma says I can!







If you find your self engaged in such a battle constantly removing the candy from the home for a while as its a treat not a necessity may be in order.. Not to be mean but to keep her healthy. DVD is over turn it off move on to the next activity planning a transation to something often "liked" after may help like after movie we can have a snack so that that transation will be ready but again sometimes it means turning it off and saying no more and allowing the tears. Toothpaste too much floride is posionous if you use non it can still make sick tummies saying no protects her. There is a big diffrence between allowing our children to have big feelings and process disapointment and setting them up to fail or playing the Me big YOU little ME in Charge game. Holding firm for her protection is one thing sometimes that means saying no and sticking with it or enforcing it is NOW time to go home.. There is also grace to positive discipline and its what will when appropiate allow that on occasion "extra" movie or night at Grandmas or spare tooth brush (water) or a suprise favorite dinner that she'll look back on and one day see mommy was pretty cool she darn well kept me safe and she was pretty cool.









Deanna


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## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

I'm sorry you are sad. I know how hard that can be. But please, as some of the pp said, don't take it personal and don't think this means she doesn't love mummy! There are a couple things to keep in mind. First - this is likely a sign that she is securely attached to you. She knows you love her, and that your love is UNCONDITIONAL. She knows full well that she can tell you she'd rather stay at grandmas and that you will still come back for her, that you will still love her. Children who doubt that unconditional love are often more clingly, more unwilling to let mommy go.

Second, her age is important here. At 3 she is not thinking about how you feel when she says she doesn't want mommy. All she's thinking is that at that moment she wants to be at grandmas house. Maybe because it's different or "special" to be there. Or maybe she just loves grandma's pancakes.

And finally, I really think kids this age sometimes say and do things almost as experiments or to test the boundaries of our love. If they push us away will we still be there, will we love them and not punish them for pushing us away? Sometimes they say something to see the reaction ("I don't want to be with you right now"). I think it's OK to let her know if something they say really makes you sad or hurts your feelings. But the important thing is that she knows that it doesn't affect how YOU feel about her. What she needs to know is that you love her, and most importantly that that love is unconditional. And don't worry, when push comes to shove, mom is always #1


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## mm22 (Jan 5, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and advice. I was really devastated when I started this thread, but after reading all of your posts I actually found some peace and confidence.

DD is now sound asleep in her OWN bed in the room next to me, at our own house. It was also quite a struggle this afternoon when we went to pick her up, but I was more prepared and had everyone's advice in mind. I'd rung my mum before going there asking her to co-operate when it's time for DD to go home. She kinda agreed (in her own way) but said she's been preparing DD all day and told her that Grandma was having a headache and had to go to see the doctor and that there are no children allowed so DD had to go home with mummy when mummy comes to pick her up. When I got there, my dad and DD opened the door but my mum was nowhere to be found. Apparently my dad'd told DD that Grandma had gone to see the doctor already. DD went quite crazy and tried to search for my mum first inside the house then ran around the front yard when I tried getting her into the car.

I wish my mum would just tell DD "no it's time you go home, no you can't stay with Grandma tonight, it's time to say bye bye" instead playing the hiding game. It might be painful for my mum to see DD upset, but saying proper bye bye will do good to DD in the long run, don't you think??

Drama, drama!

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate everything you've said.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

but saying proper bye bye will do good to DD in the long run, don't you think??
Absoultly its scarry when people just "disapear" giving her a proper good bye and positive plans for next time is a much better way. If you can maybe decide on some days she CAN spend the night anticipating that could also becoem a great tradition and memory.

Deanna


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

I didn't read the other replies, but in most cases, that means that your 3 year old is well-attached and super secure to feel comfortable enough to leave for you the night! I'd say that means you're doing a great job!!! Enjoy a date with your DP!!!


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Your mom sounds like a piece of work! Looking on the bright side, it is good, though, that she has a loving relationship with your dd.

I just wanted to pop in and say that my dd1 (almost 9) has a special realtionship with my MIL not just because grandma is fun, but because they are two peas in a pod and really are sort of soulmates. DD1 takes after MIL a lot. In fact, I've remarked before that if MIL weren't still alive I might think DD1 was her reincarnated







: !

Their special relationship was really painful at times to me when dd1 was little. I have come to be happy for it, but there were times when dd1 was with grandma and completely oblivious to me (and DH) that made me feel really sad and left out and not just a little bit resentful! MIL has always been really great about our parenting choices and has always backed us up, though. This is just a case where they really have a special connection.

DD2 came along and while she loves MIL dearly it's in a much more typical grandma-grandchild way. I know she loves to stay with MIL if given the opportunity, but she loves Mama, too. With dd1 there were times when I began to doubt if I mattered that much to her (complete self-pity on my part, btw, and ridiculous). I guess really I was a little bit jealous of the special connection that MIL and DD1 have. I know now that it's not a threat to the special connection that dd1 and I have, though. While the connection is still there between the two of them and I would be surprised if it ever fades I know (silly as it sounds) that DD1 loves me fiercely, too.

Be confident that your dd loves you, too! And I think it might be time to have a talk with your mom and develop a plan of action for next time. She needs to follow your plan, though, and not go hide from your dd!!


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mm22* 
Luckily though on the other hand, my 13-month-old hasn't turned that way yet, otherwise I'll be heartbroken beyond repair....

You've already gotten lots of good advice, but I'll point out one more thing. Your older DD may also prefer grandma's because she gets to be an only child there. At home you have to split your attention between her and your 1 yo. I've seen lots of oldest children with special relationships with their grandparents because of this. So, I won't be surprised if this never happens with your younger child.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
just because her feelings are hurt though? impromptu sleepovers with grandparents were truly some of my fondest memories.

I didn't make the point I wanted to make. I've still got a headache and just can't form my thoughts very well.

It's something I've noticed here at MDC with new moms, and certainly I experienced this myself when our first was born. There's this transition time when young women tentatively assert their rightful authority with their _...superiors,_ for lack of a better term.

I experienced quite the epiphany the first time it dawned on me that I was right and my MIL was wrong about something relating to my child. Not only did I have the right, but the obligation to assert my way. Not angrily or rudely. Just firmly and cheerfully. I think it can lead to chaos when moms don't recognize their own authority, and don't assert it with others.

As far as the OP getting her feelings hurt, well, I think you have a point. But I think it's just part and parcel of the OP's feeling like she's not in control of the situation. Generally speaking sleepovers at Grandma's should be fine, but it's the way this particular situation went down that's the problem.


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## Super_mommy (Nov 13, 2009)

Nothing to worry... May be she liked the environment of that house but definitely she will get back to you


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