# HELP- I'm afraid he is going to kill his sister...



## LandonsMama (Mar 27, 2007)

My 3.5 year old is out of control and I don't know what to do. He is very mean to his 8 month old sister, and I think it goes beyond having a "new" baby. For no reason what so ever he will walk up to her and push her over, kick her, hit her with a toy, tries to poke her in the eye with a fork, you name it. These actions are completely unprovoked and don't appear to have anything to do with attention- they will both be playing quietly on the floor- on opposite sides of the room even- he just gets the idea in his head and off he goes. Tonight while she was playing on the wood floor in the dining room, he stopped playing in the living room, walked in and THREW her backwards, slamming her head into the floor. A couple of weeks ago we were getting into the van, DD was in her seat and DS was playing outside the car (at home). Next thing I know, he picks up a baseball-sized stone, and throws the stone at her head from point blank range!!!! For no reason at all. It hit her a half inch under her eye, broke the skin and gave her a black eye that still hasn't completely healed nearly 1 month later. Another half an inch and she could have lost her eye, or worse...

This crap goes on every day, every day. We've tried ignoring him and giving DD all our attention when he hurts her, we leave the room, we've put him in time out, at his peds. recommendation we have put him in TO upstairs alone knowing he is terrified of that (eh, not anymore...), we've taken things away, we've taken privileges away, we've talked till we turned blue. He just doesn't seem to care.

He is a very intense, sensitive, energetic kid, who is the size of the average 5 year old and just as strong. He is also very smart for his age- his preschool teacher has been teaching for over 35 years and she told us she has never met a 3 year old as verbal as he is and he is far more advanced than most of the returning 4 year olds in his class. But that seems to be part of the problem- he can rationalize all of his actions, he can talk his way around every reason we give him for not hurting his sister.

We desperately need help. His pediatrician has given us all the advice she has, his preschool teacher thinks that ignoring him when he hurts DD is all that it will take (yeah right), and we have no one else to turn to. My parents think all he needs is a few good spankings....

We don't even know where his is getting this stuff from. We are very selective about what he watches on TV when we let him watch it- he isn't even allowed to watch cartoons that have any "G violence" in them (Sponge Bob, Tom and Jerry, etc). We don't watch TV during the day, only after the kids have gone to bed for the night...

Now I'm rambling. We just need help, my daughter deserves so much better than to be abused like this.


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## Keeping up (Apr 7, 2004)

Not sure I can offer much advice ...

- can you protect the baby from him (i.e. a baby cage, obviously I don't like them either) in the short-term while you work on his behaviour
- can you give him more directed attention and/or directed play ideas such that he doesn't get any ideas
- can you give him just a ton more excercise, free play time outside to tire him out or other activities outside of the home
- does he have aggressive tendencies when playing with peers his own age?

I have the somewhat reverse problem, my 16 month old will take heavy toys and go and hit his older siblings.


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## mama2annabelle (Dec 29, 2002)

I could have written your post about 4 years ago. I was terrified that my 2 year old DD was going to kill her baby brother. I could NOT put him down unless I knew that DD couldn't get to him. She was horrible to him, and way beyond what I would think is typical sibling jealousy. Her behavior was crazy in all aspects of life, but intensified toward DS. We discovered that she had food allergies (dairy, wheat, artificial colors) which is where her crazy aggressive behaviors were stemming from. Once we cleared her diet of the offending foods she became a "normal" child. It was AMAZING!! She still a very intense person, but the out of control aggression is gone.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Our DS1 was 2.5 when his lil bro was born and I went through something like this with him.

I would show him what he can hit when he needs to let out physical aggression....at my house that would be the pillows on the couch. And I would do some practice sessions with that.

The only other thing I would do is EVERY SINGLE TIME he begins any physical aggression, a TO alone in his room. Every. Single. Time. And afterward - meaning not until he has calmed down....take him to the couch and remind him he can hit the couch.

When you see tension brewing, for the times you see it, help him to the couch to let it out. Do it with him if that helps him get started.

I know the TO sounds harsh. But for me, physical violence against lil bro was the situation I felt made it necessary.

And it worked. Our DS got the message physical attacks will NOT be tolerated.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Many 3 YOs lack impulse control and most don't know their own strength. Most haven't really developed a sense of empathy yet. An energetic intense child and these facts, plus small baby is a recipe for trouble. Good news is that he will eventually outgrow it. Bad news is until he does and/or learns more control, it is you absolute priority to protect your younger child. You can't be more than arm's reach from her. Slings were invented for this. You must instantly catch your big guy before he can touch her. You must make sure that ALL things that can be used as weapons are inaccesible to him -- locks of silverwear drawers, all rocks cleared from the yard. You get the idea. Is this a pain in the neck? Yes, but its still your responsibility.

Frankly, these were the situations that we used time outs with my DS for. Pretty classic, you need to sit right here until everyone is calm and safe again. I know not everyone agrees, but for us it was important because it meant I could safely deal with younger child, I wouldn't have the mommy-bear response and hurt my older child, and it separated him from her long enough for sanity to return. The only two times I totally lost control and spanked my DS was when he had hurt DD. So this was one way to protect everyone. But I never thought it was possible to "punish" the violence away. At the same time we did two other things. I taught him to play with her in a safe, supervised, limited way. And I did all of the preventative things that Keeping suggested - outside time, lots of physical play, one-on-one time withh both mom and dad, good diet and good sleep. I also started him in gymnastics so he could learn better control of his body. And he grew up a bit each day and it was less.

Good luck.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Hey, I thought the second childs first word was suppose to be ouch. Followed by Mine and no.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Hey, I thought the second childs first word was suppose to be ouch. Followed by Mine and no.

Very funny and witty, if we weren't talking about a tiny baby getting hit with large rocks. Holy crap.

All I can say is keep them separated. I don't have anything encouraging to offer because this reminds me way too much of a guy I used to be friends with and how he treated his sister as a kid. He, too, was sensitive and energetic but other than that, like I said, not encouraging.

I'm not someone who screams "see a shrink!!" at the smallest thing, but I really think this merits a trip to a good, gentle child psychologist. I'd see a PhD not an MD--MD will want to prescribe drugs as a first line, PhD will be more inclined to offer behavioral approaches first. Good luck.


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

Maybe you could also play role-playing with some toys or dolls with him? Like take a doll that is baby, one that is him and one that is you. Show him hurt the baby and talk about how the mom doll is so upset now, the baby is upset, everyone in the family is upset because the baby is hurt. Talk to him about a time he was hurt and say that this hurts the baby just like when he is hurt. I dont know if it would help, but it might make it so you can "talk" to him on his level about how his actions are affecting others. i know kids this age can't really hear us when we talk and talk about an issue.

i agree on the sling. keep her with you. keep her on your back in a carrier if you need to do chores. just dont give him the opportunity. in close supervised contact (with only soft toys!) sit with them and play. show him that nice play is the only way he can be around her.

good luck. this is the one issue where i had the hardest time with patience and not wanting to hurt my dd in retaliation.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

i would talk with him. next time he does it say something like this:
you: it looks like you don't like having a little sister, do you?
you: do you think i love you less because she is here now?
you: do you miss it just being you and me?
you: i miss it just being the two of together too. i miss our time together.
you: you get really upset because i spend time with your sister. lets get a doll and i want yiou to show me what you want to do to your sister.

now go get that doll and take him to another room and let him beat the crap out of the doll. let him take out the anger on that doll. don't dramatize it. just watch and validate. you may be horrified at what he does but he needs an outlet. he needs to know that it is okay to have this anger. as naomi aldort put it, getting a sibling is as if our partner brought home a new partner to join us when everything was going so well with just you and hubby. but now there is a new wife in town who is expected to be in bed with you,e at with you, shower with you andf you are supposed to enjoy it. so you can see where his anger is coming from. after he beats the doll, tell him that whenever he wants to hit his sister again, to tell you and you will play your new game together. if he forgets, remind him.

read "raising our children, raising ourselves" and playful parenting. good luck!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I have known children with Asperger's who behave like you describe around younger children. I'm not diagnosing, of course, but I wanted to put it out there so that you can do a little research. Especially since you describe him as extremely intellectual. It might fit, in which case Asperger's resources will give you a whole new set of resources for dealing with violent behavior.


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## gini1313 (Jul 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lurve* 
read "raising our children, raising ourselves" and playful parenting. good luck!

Also Connection Parenting.


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## LandonsMama (Mar 27, 2007)

Thanks for all the replies. DH and I sat up talking about it last night- what we originally thought were all random attacks on her actually have somewhat of a pattern. They often occur during a transition of some sort, for example the rock throwing incident we were preparing to leave, or when he is overstimulated from being out, or over tired from missing a nap. But the biggest trigger is toy related- either she is playing with one of his toys or he thinks she is going to make a MOVE to play with one of his toys (as was the case last night I think, some of his toys were within her reach).

He really is a sweet boy, everyone tells us so, he just works himself up into these "tizzies" where he can no longer control his body. Oddly enough, when someone is hurt he is the first one there, asking if the kid is ok or if he or she needs their booboo kissed. I'm not sure if he is making the link between his actions towards his sister and her getting really hurt... In my exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed state last night I think I made him out to be more an evil monster than he is.

Here are a few things we are going to do-

*Every time he hurts his sister over a toy instead of asking us for help, all the toys on the floor will be packed up and taken to the basement. Taking one toy away, regardless of how much he might like that toy, isn't drastic enough as we've come to learn.

*When he is in his "tizzies" we need to keep them separated as much as possible. Here is the tough part though, *how do I keep them separated and help to calm down at the same time?* I can put her in a playpen but she'll scream the whole time, so that will just add to his overstimulation....

*Use roll playing as suggested









*Work to minimize his triggers as much as possible (reducing the number of transitions, keep trips out short, etc.)

*Get him his own play space by emptying out the office (what we'll do with everything in there I have no idea....). We've tried having HIM play in the playpen but that failed miserably.

Wearing DD is a tricky one. As much as I LOVE to wear her (and I love my stash of carriers, lol







), wearing her while he is worked up seems to add to it. I think in this instance it is an attention issue. He'll grab her legs and yank on them as hard as he can, and that is very difficult for me to stop if she is on my back. I keep turning around to reach him and he just turns with me (which would be kind of funny if he wasn't hurting her.)

Do any of you have any ideas of what we could specifically do or say when his is worked up to end it? When he starts going after her and we try to get up and leave with her he turns it into a game of chasing us to continue doing whatever it was he was doing to her (or us). It just eggs him on more.

Thanks again for all of the advice









*ETA:* Do you have any specific words, actions we could use when DS takes DD's toys away from her?


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## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lurve* 
i would talk with him. next time he does it say something like this:
you: it looks like you don't like having a little sister, do you?
you: do you think i love you less because she is here now?
you: do you miss it just being you and me?
you: i miss it just being the two of together too. i miss our time together.
you: you get really upset because i spend time with your sister. lets get a doll and i want yiou to show me what you want to do to your sister.

now go get that doll and take him to another room and let him beat the crap out of the doll. let him take out the anger on that doll. don't dramatize it. just watch and validate. you may be horrified

This sounds crazy to me







: A pretend doll to beat the crap out of!!!!! NO freggin way would I even let him to that to a doll, a pillow yes. And I would talk about any aggression he has, but I would not put those kinds of words together. It seems like that would put even more ideas into his head and even pretend beating isn't great. Time outs would be more called for. There has to be a line drawn for the children's safety. Her baby needs to be put down sometime, and I am sure the OP is probably holding the baby a ton anyway.

I have a relative to 2 yo son hit his little sleeping baby sister with a 2x4. Yikes!!!! We all just gotta keep on our toes. COnstant vigilance. I know bc I too have the body slamming 2 yr old on top his baby sister. I feel your pain mama, thank goodness we don't have rocks round here, cause I would be in for trouble.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happiestever* 
This sounds crazy to me







: A pretend doll to beat the crap out of!!!!! NO freggin way would I even let him to that to a doll, a pillow yes. And I would talk about any aggression he has, but I would not put those kinds of words together. It seems like that would put even more ideas into his head and even pretend beating isn't great. Time outs would be more called for. There has to be a line drawn for the children's safety. Her baby needs to be put down sometime, and I am sure the OP is probably holding the baby a ton anyway.

I have a relative to 2 yo son hit his little sleeping baby sister with a 2x4. Yikes!!!! We all just gotta keep on our toes. COnstant vigilance. I know bc I too have the body slamming 2 yr old on top his baby sister. I feel your pain mama, thank goodness we don't have rocks round here, cause I would be in for trouble.

children are smart. they know the difference between dolls and little sisters. between games (which is what the hitting of the doll is) and real life. right now he really wants to hurt his sister. what is ridiculous is not to acknowledge that, not to realize why and not to redirect him.

this also helps re-enforce that his feelings of anger and hurt aren't *bad* feelings, they are just feelings. it teaches him how to cope with the feelings and not be afraid of them, which is what he probably is now. because now when he feels them, he gets yelled at and then becomes ashamed of his feelings. true, he is not expressing his feelings the way *we* find appropriate but he can't yet. kids in this situation are talking but we are so busy punishing, even gd style, that we no longer listen.
we are so quick to take away his toys, to put him in time out but not to address the real problem - he hates his sister. he is jealous. he misses his connection with mama. so let's talk to him about it. let's get to the root of the problem and let's allow him to get his anger out in the best way he can, in a way he can relate.







:


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

two things stand out for me

* is he getting enough one on one attention from each of you? could he feel his sister is taking away all the attention and he is not getting his share. so more outings, attention to him.

* is he getting enough opportunities to let out excess energy. like a park for instance. or a childrens climbing section in the mall? even for that matter a trip to the grocery store where he is not sitting in a cart.


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## annexk8 (Nov 22, 2005)

We are in a VERY similar situation with our two, right down to the very verbal 3-year old who can talk his way out of anything. It's been very trying. We are working hard on making sure he gets a ton of time with mom and dad and a lot of exercise.

When he starts going after the baby, I don't go rescue HER, I go intervene with HIM. I pick him up and tell him firmly not to hurt his sister, that I see him getting too rough and that I am going to help him be safe and gentle. I don't know if that would work for your 8mo - mine is 13 months and walking, so she can be pretty independent. (Of course, this is all in a perfect world that I say this. My world is probably 80% perfect, 20% yelling).

We also try to laugh a lot, and make everything into a silly game. If he is running around flailing his arms and legs, then I do the same thing and we shake our sillies out.

I also am not against judicious use of the playpen/crib or TV to ease transitions. It's always hard when we are trying to get ready to go somewhere when I have to do diapers/potty/shoes/coats/backpack etc. So I'll put the TV on for DS while I get DD and myself ready, then put DD in the crib and get DS ready.


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

the only problem with the toy thing, that i can see, is you taking away ALL his toys would be another negative thing he is going to associate with her. like 'my dumb sister made all my toys go away'. it seems like you want to foster an environment where his associations with her are positive. when he is with her, you are sitting with them playing. when he is with her, he is getting read to (one on either side of you). try to avoid when he is with her negative things like yelling and taking things away. obviously if he needs to be seperated, then do that.
i would say, however, that if you put most/all of the toys away for NOW (like when he is in bed) that might help you because you seem to have identified them as a trigger. removing the toys might remove one trigger at least?


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

As a third child myself, I can say that a *rock to the face* or *getting your head slammed into a floor* as the OP described goes WAY beyond "ouch". An 8-month old child should not have to defend herself against a sibling three times her size. It is the parent's job to protect her. As the OP is doing her best to do, and here looking for more information.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Hey, I thought the second childs first word was suppose to be ouch. Followed by Mine and no.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

I don't think the thing with a doll was crazy, but I would avoid saying "show me what you would like to do to your sister" I think that takes it too far. I would try to pick a target that isn't human like. (a pillow, a punching bag, a bozo the clown, something with some resistance rather than really soft is good) and talk about how his feelings about his sister make him feel angry and that's ok. They might even make him feel like punching or throwing at something, and that's ok too. And if he'd like mommy will stay with him while he lets out those punching throwing hitting feelings on Bozo the clown.

Other than that it sounds like you have gotten great suggestions and I'm paying attention as we are expecting an addition shortly.


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## LandonsMama (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *avivaelona* 
I don't think the thing with a doll was crazy, but I would avoid saying "show me what you would like to do to your sister" I think that takes it too far. I would try to pick a target that isn't human like. (a pillow, a punching bag, a bozo the clown, something with some resistance rather than really soft is good) and talk about how his feelings about his sister make him feel angry and that's ok. They might even make him feel like punching or throwing at something, and that's ok too. And if he'd like mommy will stay with him while he lets out those punching throwing hitting feelings on Bozo the clown.

Other than that it sounds like you have gotten great suggestions and I'm paying attention as we are expecting an addition shortly.

Erica THANK YOU!! I've been trying to get him to hit couch pillows instead of DD, but I just haven't had the words to explain it to him (despite my long-winded post, I'm not a woman of words and nearly every time I open my mouth I end up planting my foot firmly in it, even with a 3 year old).

Anne, thank you too for the suggestion to go to DS instead of DD when he starts acting rough. I think that will be a great help in preventing a game of "get away" when we try to separate them.

You mama's all rock!! Thanks so much for the advice







Now that I have some specific ideas I feel much less overwhelmed and out of control.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Do you have anyone to help out? It sounds like what you need more than anything is another pair of hands so you can each grab a kid and take them in opposite directions. Even if you just get that once in a while, it would make a difference.

Also, if it's an option for you, my cousin found her two kids with the same age spread got along better when the older one was in preschool. It gave the older one the chance to rough-house with kids his own size, and a break from the baby as well.


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## RubySlippers (Oct 4, 2006)

I can relate to an extent, though I only have one ds... we're having similar issues with his behaviour with his slightly younger cousin. We have also found that his toys seem to be a big trigger, and one suggestion I've had from a friend is to make a box (decorate it together, etc.) and he can put any of his toys that he wants and will fit, into the box, and no one else is allowed to play with them. The rest of the toys are fair game, and he could play with the toys from his box whenever, but you'd have to establish some sort of plan in which little sister wouldn't be getting at them when he does play (in a special place maybe?). This worked well for my friend's little one, and we haven't put it into practice yet, but I love how it gives him recognition of his personal items and also gives him control in the situation, helping to involve him in the solution rather than dictate from above. If the box of toys is full and he's concerned about another toy that is not in the box, he can have the choice of removing another toy and replacing it with the one he's worried about... I thought it was a great idea, and I'm going to try it next time ds and cousin get together.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

okay, let me clarify the using of the doll (and the using of the doll example comes from naomi aldort and "raising our children, raising ourselves" and she is one of the most gentle people on earth!). YOU may have problems with the boy "beating" up on a doll. YOU want him to beat up on a pillow because it makes YOU more comfortable. YOU are able to think/say/believe that the pillow represents his little sister. But what if HE can't relate that the pillow is supposed to be used so that he doesn't hit his sister. if he can use the pillow, that is fine. But if he needs a doll, than that should be fine too. this is not about you, it is about HIS needs. he may need a doll to hit because he, unlike YOU, can't abstractly think that the pillow should be like his sister.

and this subject is very near and dear to my heart. i had an older brother who beat me up daily until he finally killed himself at 19. he broke my nose, ribs, etc. My parents took away his toys, locked him in his room, etc. but they never TALKED to him. they never acknowledged that is just plain old sucks to get a new sibling, especially a sibling that might be smarter, cuter, get more attention. they never approved of the way he needed to physically let go and so he never learned.

so remember, it is you who are afraid of the doll because you attached a story to "what if he hits a doll." the story you attach to hitting of the doll is that he won't be able to differentiate between the doll and his sister. or it is against our culture. or it just sounds bad. or what if someone finds out. but that is YOUR story. it is not HIS story. let go of the story and follow his lead, his needs. and open your arms to reality.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

:


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Lurve,









I was also physically abused by an older brother.

Regarding the doll idea.....I have heard of dolls being used this way for kids in therapy. Much better to beat up a doll. Our DS1 did really well with the couch cushions (and he *really* got into beating them for a while) but I was ready to move on to a doll if I needed to. I don't think it's a bad idea. I think acknowledging the physically aggressive feelings and helping him learn to accept himself and deal with those feelings in a non-harmful way is important. After the cushion-beating our DS1 was usually wanting to talk about his feelings and I think it helped him open them up and process them. I do remember reading the doll idea in Aldort's book.



lurve said:


> and this subject is very near and dear to my heart. i had an older brother who beat me up daily until he finally killed himself at 19. he broke my nose, ribs, etc. /QUOTE]


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

I'm not OK with the doll idea. It walks right on a fine line between redirecting and putting ideas in someone's head. Besides, a lot of aggression towards siblings (at that age, and beyond even) is more about anger at the *parents* or just anger in general than it is about anger specifically towards the sibling. It's just easier and more feasible to beat up the little sister than it is to beat up mommy, daddy, or any other target.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I agree with the PP's who stated 3 yo's don't have the impulse control to stop them selves so the best solution at this stage is to keep her away from him at this point.


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## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2annabelle* 
I could have written your post about 4 years ago. I was terrified that my 2 year old DD was going to kill her baby brother. I could NOT put him down unless I knew that DD couldn't get to him. She was horrible to him, and way beyond what I would think is typical sibling jealousy. Her behavior was crazy in all aspects of life, but intensified toward DS. We discovered that she had food allergies (dairy, wheat, artificial colors) which is where her crazy aggressive behaviors were stemming from. Once we cleared her diet of the offending foods she became a "normal" child. It was AMAZING!! She still a very intense person, but the out of control aggression is gone.









:







:







:

I was just coming to post the same thing. With Matty (who is now 4) he was the same up until this summer when we realized he was allergic to gluten.

I was neurotic about my kids having whole, healthy foods, but never made the connection about gluten until a friend who is an RN and works with high/special needs kids mentioned that often food allergies will show up as only behavior issues.

We cut out gluten and he is a completely different child. The difference is staggering. I too thought he was going to seriously harm Noah or someone else. He was incredibly aggressive and had no remorse either. And nothing discipline wise was working. We were totally at our wits end and I was honestly ready to have him psychologically evaluated, that is how bad it was getting.

FWIW too, his gluten allergy (aka the severe behaviour) issues didn't show up until he was about 3 or 3.5 or so.

HTH!


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## LandonsMama (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz* 
..food allergies will show up as only behavior issues.


How would I figure out if it was a food allergy?


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I had a similar result with a food allergy - for us it was dairy in my diet that he was getting only through nursing....we eliminated it to possibly help with sensory issues and his behavior improved drastically...and the few times he had an accidental exposure he was almost psychotic for a couple days...I remember our sweet DS punching me in the face, and trying to stab me in the eyes with a fork !!!!!! Getting rid of dairy was life-changing for our household. Eggs too. And a couple years later I discovered that artificial maple flavor sets him off for a couple hours as well.

IMO the best way to find an allergen/irritant is to eliminate it completely for a few weeks and see if there is any change, then give a small amount as a test and see if there is any reaction.

It can take a while though...for our DS the dairy had to be 100% eliminated, every trace of it, for six weeks before we saw the change and it took eight weeks to see the full effects.

Our DS had aggressive behavior issues with other kids and massive tantrums before lil bro was born though. If it just started with the new sibling I would be less suspicious of food issues.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LandonsMama* 
*When he is in his "tizzies" we need to keep them separated as much as possible. Here is the tough part though, *how do I keep them separated and help to calm down at the same time?* I can put her in a playpen but she'll scream the whole time, so that will just add to his overstimulation....

Honestly? I would put him in the playpen, not the baby. Keep the baby calm and safe because she doesn't have the ability to do that herself. He, on the other hand, is at the point where he needs to learn to calm himself down. You can phrase this as keeping everyone safe while he calms down if you don't want to term it as a time out.


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## roostery (Jan 23, 2004)

I went through this last year when DD1 was 3. I really hated it because I couldn't go to the bathroom, or wash my hands or look away without having DD1 do something to DD2. It's not as bad now but it still goes on.

3.5 is a really difficult age for some children. It certainly was for my eldest, and, as a pp said, they have no impulse control and very little judgment. I realized that when our family was sitting in a car on a ferry and DD said cheerfully from her carseat 'lets throw the baby into the water!' If she could have done it right then, she would have.

Another problem that you might be having is that your child is very verbal. So is my daughter, and I find that it continually makes me fall into the trap of assuming that she has a lot more self-control and judgment than she actually does. Just because they can have a nice conversation with you about what they just did doesn't mean that they actually understand what we're trying to convey or that they can control their impulses.

Have you read 'Your Three year old' by Ames? It give a nice description of what is normal for a three year old. If your son is advanced you might want to check out the 'Your Four Year Old' book as well. It might apply to him. What really helped me with these books is knowing that what DD was doing was normal for her age. Kind of like knowing that the reason I'm acting like a crazy person is PMS, just knowing that my child is doing something normal for her age makes it a little easier to deal with.


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## MamaMamaMama! (Sep 30, 2006)

Similar story with food allergies here, too. It's truly amazing what a difference it can make in behavior. Our problems were gluten, dairy, and corn. It's hard to imagine eating without these foods in the beginning but after you get used to what you can and can't eat it's fine.


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## kkeake (Jun 5, 2006)

i have been following this thread closely - my son (age 5) is not as overtly aggressive with his baby sister as the OP's is, but more secretive about it, or deliberate, which in a way is a bit scarier to me. my mom was watching the kids the other day and was busy in the kitchen while they were eating lunch and looked over to see him very calmly and deliberately repeatedly poking the baby (9 mos.) in the arm with a toothpick. then a bit later she noticed her squirming uncomfortably in her highchair and discovered my son behind her digging his chin into the soft spot between her shoulder blades.

this stuff scares me. my husband feels guilt about it because he thinks he's been too rough with him and he is acting it out on his sister. i don't think that's what it is. while there are times i think my husband is too rough (grabbing him under the arms and hauling him off to bed, forceably making him sit, etc.), this seems different to me, because my son doesn't seem to be lashing out in anger. i can't put my finger on it, but it does really bother me.

would love more ideas on how to handle this. i tried to talk to him about it, saying that the baby won't want to be around him if he is hurting her, and that would be sad, because i know he adores her, but all he said was, " i don't want to think about that, because if i don't think about it, i will forget it." so he's obviously uncomfortable with it too and feels some remorse.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

You have to watch your reaction, as well. There's a fine line between setting boundaries ("we do not hit/push/etc.") and feeding negative attention seeking behavior. Honestly, it sounds like you give him MORE attention for hurting than for being nice.

I agree with Evan&Anna's_Mom--I'd put HIM in the playpen and give TONS of attention to the baby, but in a constructive way (using some of the "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" methods), "Oh baby, are you ok? Does your head hurt? Owie! I'm sorry that brother hurt you. He forgot the rules that we never hurt anyone. Let me kiss your owie and make it all better!"

And your son will see and hear this--and know that he won't be getting attention and "help" to calm down OVER the well-being of his little sibling. I'm not saying that you can't help him calm down, either, but I suggest you do it differently than before. You can be in the same room (holding and caring for baby) and encourage your child to calm down and take a deep breath or hand him a sippy or a glass of water--but, as cruel as this sounds--I wouldn't give physical affection until after the tantrum (because of his age, and it just seems like he's looking for your attention exclusively)--because if you do, that will encourage the behavior. Rewarding bad behavior is not good. You can encourage him to have the tantrum, "it's ok to cry. It's ok to be upset. It's ok to be mad. Please remember we don't hit. It sounds like you're frustrated. Will you take a deep breath for mama, please? Would you like a kleenex for your tears? When you're ready to play gently with your sister, you may ask to get out. Mama loves you. It's ok."

Make an effort (like you said you were going to) spend INDIVIDUAL TIME with him (both you and your spouse should strive for a little personal time with JUST HIM every day). Make an effort to acknowledge when he's playing with the baby nicely. Show him how to play with the baby nicely.

Good luck.


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