# I'm thinking about calling DCFS



## SamiPolizzi (May 23, 2009)

(not sure if this is the right place to post this.)

Let me first say that I'm not normally the kind of person who butts into other peoples' lives. Maybe this is none of my business, but I just feel like there's no way I can know about this and not do something.

So I have this friend. We'll call her B. A friend of hers (who we'll call S) has a baby who's about 2 weeks younger than Vincent. So B decided that S and I should meet because we have a lot in common (being the same age and having babies the same age and all.) So one day she brought her over to my house. She seemed like sort of an okay person when I first met her. I had a feeling we probably weren't going to be friends. But it was after that that B started telling me all these horrible things about S and her boyfriend and the way they treat this baby. It's common practice for them to put the baby in the car seat and roll up a blanket to prop a bottle on when he's hungry. The boyfriend will liet him sit in a poopy diaper for several hours until the mom gets home. They smoke pot around the baby all the time. Even in the car. The boyfriend has driven drunk with the baby in the car. The baby has been left at home for almost an hour. They have parties where they get so drunk they can't take care of him. She started leaving her baby with B and going away for days at a time to drink with her friends when he was only a few weeks old. I even ended up babysitting him once when he was with B and she had to work. And I'm sure his mother had no idea where he was or who he was with.

I really don't like to get involved in other peoples' business. I especially don't like to get government agencies involved. But it's not fair for this poor helpless baby to be treated this way. Someone has to stand up for him.


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## OperaDiva (Jun 11, 2009)

Please call! The drug use, drunk driving, and partying/ leaving for days at a time would EACH be a good enough reason to call, with all 3 it is you obligation to call, that baby needs a home to feel safe in ASAP.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Sounds like there are lots of issues, but the leaving baby at home alone for an hour shocked me the most. Your friend B who is telling you all this, she hasn't called anyone about S yet?


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

It'll be better if B calls since she has witnessed this and from you it's all hearsay. Please try and get her to call and if she doesn't, then I'd call.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Yes please call. Leaving a baby alone, drunk driving, drug use around the baby? Oh my goodness.


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## Martha27 (Nov 14, 2009)

That is a tough situation and I know that I also hate getting involved in other peoples lives, BUT I do think something needs to be done. First of all the little baby isnt being taken care of properly and if things continue in this way he is going to grow up to most likley be this kind of parent as well and continue the cycle. That is if he even has a chance to grow up!
Maybe getting a visit from a DCFS agent would give these parents a little wake up call and make them turn things around a bit or if not at least this little baby would have someone watching out for him.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Wait, let me get this straight...

so your friend saw/heard about this and is telling you? you didn't hear/see any of this from the actual people? How come your friend is telling you? Is she scared to do anything? Looking for motivation? Or is she gossiping (aka possibly stretching things a bit)?


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I personally wouldn't call unless I knew/saw this first hand. If your friend is concerned, she should call and report what she's just told you.

Of course if they are really doing all of those things, for sure child services needs to get involved. But I wouldn't call based on heresay.


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## SamiPolizzi (May 23, 2009)

About half of this stuff B told me herself, and the other half her boyfriend told me. I suggested he call DCFS and he said he wanted to but B would kick him out of the house if he did. So she's obviously trying to protect her friend, but I think she's in denial about how bad this is. She keeps saying things like "He's healthy and everything." And "If it was really that bad the grandparents would do something." I have to wonder how much of this stuff the baby's grandparents actually know about.

Anyway, I'm going to have lunch with B and try to convince her to make the call herself and let her know that if she doesn't, I will. But like a few of you have pointed out, I haven't seen any of this first hand.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I'm sorry but unless I'm reading this wrong it's all hearsay and gossip. I wouldn't call in this situation. I would also point out to the mutual 'friend' that no one likes being talked about behind their back. If she's a real friend she could offer to help I guess but bashing them to someone else? Not cool.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

It's common practice for them to put the baby in the car seat and roll up a blanket to prop a bottle on when he's hungry. I wouldn't even mention this as it weakens your whole argument. No law against this, and not doing things the "best" way isn't grounds for CPS to be called.

The boyfriend will liet him sit in a poopy diaper for several hours until the mom gets home. Terrible but hopefully an exaggeration? Worth mentioning but I wouldn't lead with it.

They smoke pot around the baby all the time. Even in the car. This one is a top offense as it actually breaks a law.

The boyfriend has driven drunk with the baby in the car. Another top offense.

The baby has been left at home for almost an hour. Completely alone??? We are talking about an infant??? I'd start with this one; that is outrageous!

They have parties where they get so drunk they can't take care of him. Clearly not good, but I'd list in the secondary offenses. They could say he was asleep upstairs while they had a couple glasses of wine. Easier for them to explain this one away.

She started leaving her baby with B and going away for days at a time to drink with her friends when he was only a few weeks old. Not even worth mentioning IMO. Clearly not winning mother of the year, but leaving your child with a trusted adult is not illegal.

Odd position to be in - since you haven't seen ANY of this. Not sure if CPS will even take a report based on hearsay - anyone know? And it sounds like your friend won't be calling, so I'd focus on the friend's boyfriend who actually HAS seen some of this.


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## ginsengmom (Jan 4, 2010)

wow....
I had a friend who was in a similar situation with her neighbor. The neighbor had 2 children[ages 2 & 6] who she often left alone for hours at a time. There were people coming and going way into the early morning. Think it was a crack house. My friend finally had enough and phoned DCFS.

It took 2 weeks to get a call back and when she did, she was told there were previous complaints directed at this neighbor and they were investigating it.
Result: the 2-year old was taken from the mother after being badly burned by cigarettes. The hopsital called DCFS. This was 3 months after my friend spoke with a case worker from DCFS. The 6-yr. old is still with the mother.

My point: Depending upon where you live, the system doesn't always work. Case workers are overworked, under-paid and operating within a system that is flawed at best. Still, we have to try when and where we can.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
I'm sorry but unless I'm reading this wrong it's all hearsay and gossip. I wouldn't call in this situation. I would also point out to the mutual 'friend' that no one likes being talked about behind their back. If she's a real friend she could offer to help I guess but bashing them to someone else? Not cool.

Maybe so.. but MAYBE NOT.. you know? When it comes to an innocent child's life I'd rather be SAFE than sorry. If something happens to that child just because people wanted to keep their nose in their own business it's going to be a real tragedy! WE ARE THE VOICE OF ALL CHILDREN! SPEAK UP FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK UP FOR THEMSELVES! If you step on some toes.. it'll be alright. Much better than sitting by and seeing a child be abused, or even die.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bebebradford* 
Maybe so.. but MAYBE NOT.. you know? When it comes to an innocent child's life I'd rather be SAFE than sorry. If something happens to that child just because people wanted to keep their nose in their own business it's going to be a real tragedy! WE ARE THE VOICE OF ALL CHILDREN! SPEAK UP FOR THEM WHEN THEY CANNOT SPEAK UP FOR THEMSELVES! If you step on some toes.. it'll be alright. Much better than sitting by and seeing a child be abused, or even die.

There's been plenty of posts by MDC mamas where I've said yes, call, please, now.

Not this situation.

If you're worried about being 'safe than sorry', why not have CPS investigate every single family out there? That's ridiculous, isn't it? Calling CPS unnecessarily takes the focus off of ACTUAL abuse cases. Not cases where someone is MAYBE being an iffy parent, but cases where kids are REALLY BEING ABUSED.

No, it's not ok to 'step on someone's toes' by turning them into authorities *on the basis of hearsay and gossip*. It's just NOT ok. Maybe they ARE cruddy parents. Maybe they ARE lazy. Maybe they ARE making choices we/others don't necessarily agree or 'approve' of. There's a lot of room on the parenting spectrum without venturing into abuse territory. Regardless, there's no way to form an opinion as to the validity of any of these claims unless you are around them personally enough to weigh the risks and benefits of involving the state in their family.

Keep in mind the OP isn't 'sitting by and seeing a child be abused or even die"....she hasn't PERSONALLY witnessed ANY of it. Which means it's gossip. And malicious gossip at that.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

If you had seen any of this yourself, I would absolutely tell you to call.

You haven't. What you have is gossip. Tell your friend and her boyfriend that if all this is true, they have to call - they're the ones who have the information first hand.

If the situation changes - if you see the parents neglecting or mistreating the child yourself - then you should absolutely call, but you can't make the call based on gossip.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Moved to Parenting


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Tell B that if it's really happening she needs to call DCFS ASAP and you've got the number for her right here and a phone, and if it's not really happening, she needs to stop spreading mean gossip about a supposed friend.

And if she does anything but make the call, I'd drop B as a friend because someone who could either see that kind of abuse and not call or could lie about that kind of abuse, isn't worth having as a friend.

eta: actually, might drop her anyway. She seems weird. "Hey, you should really meet S, she's great and her baby's your ds's age!!! ... Oh you liked S? Well you should know she's a crappy parent who neglects her kid and props up his bottle." What's up with that?


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
If you're worried about being 'safe than sorry', why not have CPS investigate every single family out there? That's ridiculous, isn't it? Calling CPS unnecessarily takes the focus off of ACTUAL abuse cases. Not cases where someone is MAYBE being an iffy parent, but cases where kids are REALLY BEING ABUSED.

No, it's not ok to 'step on someone's toes' by turning them into authorities *on the basis of hearsay and gossip*. It's just NOT ok.

Several of the allegations against these parents, hearsay or otherwise, are serious enough to warrant the phone call. Ideally, CPS workers are accustomed to flushing out fact from rumour. They are not all horned devils lurking on the periphery waiting to snatch your children from your bossom. They don't want to burden the system any more than we do.

And it absolutely is ok to 'step on someone's toes' on the basis of hearsay and gossip. Why? Because we are talking about the welfare of an infant who cannot advocate for himself. We're not talking office politics. We are talking about the well-being of a helpless baby.

I am a mandated reporter and wouldn't even think twice about letting the authorities know about the rumoured allegations. And I would tell them that ... that they are rumours and hearsay. Let CPS sort it out. As flawed as the system is, we still need to let CPS do their job. There are countless dead and injured babies and children out there who are victims of violence and neglect at the hands of their parents ... they are why we still need a CPS system.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Call. Just call. Say that you suspect the baby is being neglected and you worry about its health and development.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Well I guess if it ISN'T GOSSIP and this child gets injured the op will feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not calling. Kids come FIRST. If it IS gossip.. then that sucks.. but like I said... our children are a TREASURE and should be taken care of at all costs.. if there's ONE CHANCE THAT THE "GOSSIP" is TRUE.. SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL FOR THAT INNOCENT HELPLESS CHILD.I wouldn't take chances with children's lives.. This is serious stuff... SERIOUS.

CALL NOW OP!!


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starling&diesel* 
Several of the allegations against these parents, hearsay or otherwise, are serious enough to warrant the phone call. Ideally, CPS workers are accustomed to flushing out fact from rumour. They are not all horned devils lurking on the periphery waiting to snatch your children from your bossom. They don't want to burden the system any more than we do.

And it absolutely is ok to 'step on someone's toes' on the basis of hearsay and gossip. Why? Because we are talking about the welfare of an infant who cannot advocate for himself. We're not talking office politics. We are talking about the well-being of a helpless baby.

I am a mandated reporter and wouldn't even think twice about letting the authorities know about the rumoured allegations. And I would tell them that ... that they are rumours and hearsay. Let CPS sort it out. As flawed as the system is, we still need to let CPS do their job. There are countless dead and injured babies and children out there who are victims of violence and neglect at the hands of their parents ... they are why we still need a CPS system.

This exactly!!!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

It's not just that this is gossip, most of it is totally unprovable. How can CPS prove that someone drove drunk with the child in the car in the past unless he was busted? It might be true, it might not, but I doubt that CPS will do anything based on gossip from a friend of a friend.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Tell B that if it's really happening she needs to call DCFS ASAP and you've got the number for her right here and a phone, and if it's not really happening, she needs to stop spreading mean gossip about a supposed friend.

And if she does anything but make the call, I'd drop B as a friend because someone who could either see that kind of abuse and not call or could lie about that kind of abuse, isn't worth having as a friend.

eta: actually, might drop her anyway. She seems weird. "Hey, you should really meet S, she's great and her baby's your ds's age!!! ... Oh you liked S? Well you should know she's a crappy parent who neglects her kid and props up his bottle." What's up with that?

I completely agree with all of this.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Tell B that if it's really happening she needs to call DCFS ASAP and you've got the number for her right here and a phone, and if it's not really happening, she needs to stop spreading mean gossip about a supposed friend.

And if she does anything but make the call, I'd drop B as a friend because someone who could either see that kind of abuse and not call or could lie about that kind of abuse, isn't worth having as a friend.

eta: actually, might drop her anyway. She seems weird. "Hey, you should really meet S, she's great and her baby's your ds's age!!! ... Oh you liked S? Well you should know she's a crappy parent who neglects her kid and props up his bottle." What's up with that?

My thoughts exactly. It's really odd that she would tell you all these things about someone she wanted you to have playdates with.

I would not report gossip or hearsay but I would give her the phone # and my telephone and ask her to call while I was standing there.


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## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

Ack. What a horrible situation!
I dunno, it's a tough call. I guess I'm kind of with the people who say better safe than sorry, but I also think Sapphire Chan is right about trying to get this weird whistle-blowing woman to make the call (and then drop her).


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starling&diesel* 
I am a mandated reporter and wouldn't even think twice about letting the authorities know about the rumoured allegations. And I would tell them that ... that they are rumours and hearsay. Let CPS sort it out. As flawed as the system is, we still need to let CPS do their job. There are countless dead and injured babies and children out there who are victims of violence and neglect at the hands of their parents ... they are why we still need a CPS system.

I like this advice. For one thing, maybe all they need is a corroborating phone call. For all we know they might even have an open file on this family already. Call. They might dismiss it, but you will have tried.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gcgirl* 
I like this advice. For one thing, maybe all they need is a corroborating phone call. For all we know they might even have an open file on this family already. Call. They might dismiss it, but you will have tried.

My understanding is that they have to start a file, investigate and make a decision for every call?

Is that different by state?

And it remains on permanent record?


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Wow. I cannot believe how many posts are supporting the idea of reporting a family, potentially risking their children being taken from the family, all on GOSSIP.

Can any of you imagine what it would be like to have CPS show up at your door with a warrant to remove your children, and then you find out it's because some STRANGER, whom you don't even really know, decided based on a grapevine to call the authorities on your family? You realize this could be done for cosleeping (alleging sexual abuse) right? Showering with your kids? Homeschooling? Not vaxing? All of these things, if twisted and gossiped about could be fodder for someone to call 'just in case'.

In cases of first hand knowledge of abuse, yes...call! But put the shoe on your own foot for a few minutes and imagine being on the receiving end of that disaster.

Some friend that is.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

I would wait, and forget CPS. Call the police when you KNOW FOR A FACT that the parents are too messed up and the baby is not being cared for. Don't call an hour earlier or later. Let the police see it for themselves.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
Wow. I cannot believe how many posts are supporting the idea of reporting a family, potentially risking their children being taken from the family, all on GOSSIP.

Can any of you imagine what it would be like to have CPS show up at your door with a warrant to remove your children, and then you find out it's because some STRANGER, whom you don't even really know, decided based on a grapevine to call the authorities on your family? You realize this could be done for cosleeping (alleging sexual abuse) right? Showering with your kids? Homeschooling? Not vaxing? All of these things, if twisted and gossiped about could be fodder for someone to call 'just in case'.

In cases of first hand knowledge of abuse, yes...call! But put the shoe on your own foot for a few minutes and imagine being on the receiving end of that disaster.

Some friend that is.


I'd be upset without a doubt, but they wouldn't find a reason to remove my kids. But if for some reason my kids WERE being abused and a friend HEARD about it.. I bet my children would SURE be glad that CPS was called. So what if this child ends up dead and no one called? What if it IS being abused, and people knew about it? I'm sorry.. but the kids come first.. I could care less about the parents being pissed off. If it's a rumor then CPS will investigate, do their paperwork, and that will be it. Pain in the butt I know.. but better than a hurt child. AND Cps does not just show up with a warrant because of one phone call.. it would have to be investigated first. There's a lot of CPS fear at MDC , and while I know the system is NOT perfect.. it helps more people than it bothers.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I think you should confront B and gauge her reaction. Ask her if S is doing all these horrible things why on earth did she think the two of you would make great friends and should have playdates? Tell her if she has seen these things she should call CPS. does she say I was hoping you could help S? does she say she has been thinking of calling? Then it might not be just gossip. Get her the number and a phone. If she backtracks and says well it wasn't that bad, etc. I would assume she is gossiping. Make it clear to her that if anything like this is going on she has a responsibility to call. If you witness anything yourself call the police.


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## Super_mommy (Nov 13, 2009)

Make sure you have all the proof before calling them.. I appreciate your way of responding..


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

I'm shocked beyond belief that people are supporting her NOT to call







Really? Possible drinking/drugging/neglect? Gossip? Please. Unless someone witnesses abuse/neglect every time CPS is called, it's ALL potentially 'gossip'. And imagine if CPS had to wait until something was *witnessed* before they investigated. More hurt, dead kids.

Blah.


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

you said B's boyfriend has first hand knowledge and wants to call but is afraid of repercussions, yes? I think in most areas you can call CPS anonymously. Find out if that is the case for your area, then give him the number and let him know he can file an anonymous report. Then, if something does happen, he can play dumb. I'm guessing he isn't the only one who knows about her parenting, I mean if they're having parties at their house where they get falling down drunk, that sort of implies that other people are present yes? Anyone of them could have made the call, so he'll have plausible deniability.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
Wow. I cannot believe how many posts are supporting the idea of reporting a family, potentially risking their children being taken from the family, all on GOSSIP.

Can any of you imagine what it would be like to have CPS show up at your door with a warrant to remove your children, and then you find out it's because some STRANGER, whom you don't even really know, decided based on a grapevine to call the authorities on your family? You realize this could be done for cosleeping (alleging sexual abuse) right? Showering with your kids? Homeschooling? Not vaxing? All of these things, if twisted and gossiped about could be fodder for someone to call 'just in case'.

In cases of first hand knowledge of abuse, yes...call! But put the shoe on your own foot for a few minutes and imagine being on the receiving end of that disaster.

Some friend that is.

I think this is a little bit of fear-mongering. They can't just show up with a warrant to remove your child unless it is part of a warrant for your arrest. They have to investigate first. It's not going to be out-of-the-blue. And I've never heard... here or elsewhere... that a person has a child removed for the SOLE reason of cosleeping. That may be one of a laundry list of other reasons, but CPS doesn't show up on someone's doorstep to remove a child because someone called and said, "Hey, these people SLEEP with their children." I'm not saying that the system is perfect. My only experience with it is from my great-niece, whose children are my dd's age, and has had CPS in her life because of making some really, really STUPID decisions. I don't feel comfortable stating why CPS is so much a part of her life, but I've been involved enough to know that they go to some extremes to keep kids with their parents. If it had been me, those kids would have been taken from her YEARS ago... but the system keeps bending over backwards to help her keep her kids.

In the OP's case, I would wonder, like a PP, why this "friend" wanted you to meet this woman and then tell you about all of these things that make her a horrible parent. If you really care, try to spend some time with this women that needs to be reported and see for yourself before you report it. There are just too many unknowns to really report her. That being said, if you feel that your friend is a reliable source, you can always call CPS and tell them *exactly* what you have said here... it's a friend of a friend and you've not seen anything, but this is what you've heard. Good luck!


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## MittensKittens (Oct 26, 2008)

I wonder what the responses would be if one of us was living the nightmare of threatened or actual removal of our children by CPS for things that most of us on MDC do... Imagine CPS telling you to opt to vax your kids or have them removed, or imagine being reported for (as mentioned by Theoretica) co-sleeping, or homeschooling, or not vaccinating, or UC-ing, or because someone doesn't like your family situation. What would we think then? Of course, we would be outraged!

I think calling CPS is something very serious, something nobody should take lightly, and do "just in case". We know that CPS does not, USUALLY, remove children from homes just like that. But please don't call unless you feel that a child would really be safer and better off in a foster home (and foster homes are just as varied as actual families, who knows what the situation would be there). Personally, I don't think gossip is enough of a basis to call. Knowing that the mentioned things are actually happening, as in, you have seen it with your own eyes, would oblige you to call. Hearing gossip does not. You could easily do more harm than good.


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## bjerme (Nov 13, 2009)

If you have not witnessed these things youself, do not call. You will be asked the dates and times you witnessed these events (along with full names of both parents and their address).

It would be much better for someone who has actually seen it to make the call (your friend).


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Imagine being a child, being abused, and no one doing a thing about it. Imagine growing up, wishing for someone to know, wishing for a different life than the abuse, the danger, that you're living with. I've known adults who were kids like this, who used to pray that someone would notice what was going on and do something about it.

OP, I would do EVERYTHING you can to convince your friend to report. Tell her if she's afraid to call, you'll call *with* her. And if she can't or won't call, do it. And give them her name and number for more information.

I'm also a mandated reporter, and I have reported second hand information as such, when a family member refused to.

In this case, I would err on the side of protecting the child.


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## SamiPolizzi (May 23, 2009)

I wouldn't be thinking about calling if I didn't really believe all this stuff is true.
I know it sounds like it's just gossip and I have no reason to believe it, but I know what kind of person this girl is. I know her circle of friends. I just really believe these things are happening. And I know that if DCFS showed at their door, at the very least they would find a house full of drug paraphernalia.

I'm going to try to convince B to call, but I also understand why she doesn't want to. I'm looking out for the baby. I don't care about his mom or dad at all. But these are her close friends. I know she cares about the baby too, but I think she's just looking at it like it's not a big deal because his basic physical needs are being met. He's not starving. He's not out on the street. But he is being neglected at times and put in dangerous situations. She obviously doesn't want to do something that could potentially really screw up her friends life, but I don't think she understands the gravity of the situation.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bjerme* 
If you have not witnessed these things youself, do not call. You will be asked the dates and times you witnessed these events (along with full names of both parents and their address).

It would be much better for someone who has actually seen it to make the call (your friend).

Horrible advice, sorry. I'm a mandated reporter, but as a member of the general public, you have a legal obligation. You do NOT need names, dates, just a way for someone to find them (ie. giving a phone number, address, you friend's contact info). People, we're not talking about nonvax/cosleeping/EBFing...we're talking about some pretty horrible risk factors and events. To paint it with the same brush stroke as 'what if they don't like my parenting because I'm an APer' is ridiculous and ignorant.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SamiPolizzi* 
I wouldn't be thinking about calling if I didn't really believe all this stuff is true.
I know it sounds like it's just gossip and I have no reason to believe it, but I know what kind of person this girl is. I know her circle of friends. I just really believe these things are happening. And I know that if DCFS showed at their door, at the very least they would find a house full of drug paraphernalia.

I'm going to try to convince B to call, but I also understand why she doesn't want to. I'm looking out for the baby. I don't care about his mom or dad at all. But these are her close friends. I know she cares about the baby too, but I think she's just looking at it like it's not a big deal because his basic physical needs are being met. He's not starving. He's not out on the street. But he is being neglected at times and put in dangerous situations. She obviously doesn't want to do something that could potentially really screw up her friends life, but I don't think she understands the gravity of the situation.


Trust your gut. Encourage your friend to call.. if she doesn't ASAP I'd do it FOR HER. Just explain the situation to them like you did to us here.. They'll be able to go from there.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
Horrible advice, sorry. I'm a mandated reporter, but as a member of the general public, you have a legal obligation. You do NOT need names, dates, just a way for someone to find them (ie. giving a phone number, address, you friend's contact info). People, we're not talking about nonvax/cosleeping/EBFing...we're talking about some pretty horrible risk factors and events. To paint it with the same brush stroke as 'what if they don't like my parenting because I'm an APer' is ridiculous and ignorant.

I know. I don't care if it is just GOSSIP. If there is ONE SMALL chance it's true that child DESERVES someone to speak for it. It makes me so sad to think so many people would just sit back and not say anything in situations like these. If it IS gossip.. then CPS won't take the child. It would DISGUST me to know that child is being abused and no one will call for it because of wanting to mind their own business. Sad Sad Sad!

OP.. I'm glad there's a concerned person like you that has come into the picture for this child if it's true.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
Wow. I cannot believe how many posts are supporting the idea of reporting a family, potentially risking their children being taken from the family, all on GOSSIP.

Can any of you imagine what it would be like to have CPS show up at your door with a warrant to remove your children, and then you find out it's because some STRANGER, whom you don't even really know, decided based on a grapevine to call the authorities on your family? You realize this could be done for cosleeping (alleging sexual abuse) right? Showering with your kids? Homeschooling? Not vaxing? All of these things, if twisted and gossiped about could be fodder for someone to call 'just in case'.

In cases of first hand knowledge of abuse, yes...call! But put the shoe on your own foot for a few minutes and imagine being on the receiving end of that disaster.

Some friend that is.

Many have already responded to this, but I just want to add this: Our state CPS agency sends out a little news report every day, gathering child welfare related news from all over the country. The number of times the stories are about children who are now DEAD, where parents or neighbors "suspected something was wrong" but never called... it's unconscionable.

Not saying every time CPS is called it goes perfectly well - some of those dead children did have CPS in their lives at some point. But what those news stories do NOT show is that for every tragic end to a child's life that people who knew something did NOT call about, there are thousands and thousands of children being helped EVERY DAY out of horrible awful situations that no child should EVER be in.

All because someone who cared... called. Even when they didn't know all the facts (most people who report don't know most of the facts). Even when they weren't totally sure what they were seeing/hearing is child abuse. They still called, and that helped a child to escape something really bad.

Helping a child does not always mean removing them, matter of fact most times it does *not* mean removing them, but instead working with the parents to try to get them to understand and make behavior changes. But whether the child is removed or not, every child living in dangerous situations deserves a chance to have a better, safer, more loved life.

Call CPS, let them do their job. If there's nothing going, trust me, CPS has way more to worry about already, they're usually not looking to open cases on families with no issues. Yes there are a few bad workers out there, but the vast majority of cases are only opened when things are obviously really serious.


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## gardenmommy (Nov 23, 2001)

I've been investigated by CPS. It was unnerving, to say the least. It turned out fine in the end, and once the investigation was complete, we didn't see them again. However, I am glad that they took the time to make sure that our children were safe. What if there was a problem, what if the allegations had been true, and no one bothered to make that call? I am glad that CPS does what it does. There are problems with the system, for sure. But, if I had the info that OP has, I would make the call, even if I hadn't witnessed it first hand. Infants cannot tell you that they are not getting adequate care, that their emotional needs aren't being met, that they are being placed in danger. They rely on the grown-ups in their lives to do that for them, to protect them. And, coming from the place of being a mandated reporter in the past, it is important to call; you never know when all they need is another person to come forward and corroborate an open file.


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

To me, the things they are talking about are serious enough that I would call without having seen them, especially if you are quite sure it is true.

Also, you actually have two sources, not one - your friend and her boyfriend. It might still be worthwhile to encourage one of them to call.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I've been thinking about this thread for days and have read all the repsonses. At this point, I am on board with YOU calling and ALSO strongly encouraging your friend/her boyfriend to call.


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## HeatherAtHome (Apr 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Tell B that if it's really happening she needs to call DCFS ASAP and you've got the number for her right here and a phone, and if it's not really happening, she needs to stop spreading mean gossip about a supposed friend.

And if she does anything but make the call, I'd drop B as a friend because someone who could either see that kind of abuse and not call or could lie about that kind of abuse, isn't worth having as a friend.

eta: actually, might drop her anyway. She seems weird. "Hey, you should really meet S, she's great and her baby's your ds's age!!! ... Oh you liked S? Well you should know she's a crappy parent who neglects her kid and props up his bottle." *What's up with that?*

Maybe she was hoping that the OP would be a good example for S, that they'd hit it off and OP would be able to give S some tips on parenting. Maybe she was hoping that once OP was around S she'd see what S is really like. Then OP could make the call having seen the experience first hand. I wouldn't be so quick to dump B, she might be reaching out for help with something she feels like she can't handle.

I would have a heart to heart with B and her BF and get them to call, encourage them by saying it can be anonymous, that calling doesn't automatically = baby being taken, but might be a wake up call for them.

If they still won't call (and I'd put a deadline of a week on this) then I would encourage OP to make the call herself.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
My understanding is that they have to start a file, investigate and make a decision for every call?

Is that different by state?

And it remains on permanent record?

This is not true in all states. The person answering the phone, a social worker, determines if a case should be opened based on what the caller says. I just made a call the other day and the worker said, thanks for being alert to possible abuse, but we're not opening a case based on what you've reported.

You can actually call anonymously, give them all the information you have and they will tell you if they will open a case. Then you can give them the person's identifying information.


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