# Need immediate advice: d & C or labor for m/c @ 16 weeks



## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

My friend is crushed... after 16 weeks of healthy pg, no heartbeat. She must choose d&c or labor.

Advice, resources, support????

thanks








Pam


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## BowNessMonster (Mar 5, 2002)

I have no advice, just an aching heart







How sad.


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## Monda (Sep 26, 2002)

I have never dealt with this myself, so maybe I have no biz posting...but the people I have know who have had to go through this say that if they could do it all over again, they would never never chose a D&C if they could avoid it. That it was an almost violent thing to go through and very heartbreaking when having to go through it with a baby who was wanted.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

she has two healthy children and has had 3 early m/c.

after her last m/c -- two weeks later -- she had hemmoraging and almost died.

this is the farthest along she's been and lost a baby.


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## angeldmt (Feb 6, 2003)

Having delivered my son at 20 wks, I can appreciate what your friend is going through. If she feels she needs to see and hold her baby, then delivery is the way to go (and she should be prepared for what her little one will look like at that age). However, it is labor and it is very painful and labor that early can be long and difficult (they have to use cytotec and/or pitocin). A d&c is a much simpler procedure and that early on is not unsafe or invasive for a physician to perform and she should be able to find a doctor that can do it in a hospital (at my stage, to do what is called a d&e, i would have had to go to a clinic). Also, with a d&c she can most likely be put to sleep through the procedure if she likes and that is obviously not an option with labor! Either way her physician should be able to describe the risks and details of each procedure to her. Let her know that she needs to do what is right for her and her husband, not what anyone else recommends or says is what she should do - this is a deeply personal decision!

Hope this helps.


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## angeldmt (Feb 6, 2003)

One more thing... there is a website called www.aplacetoremember.com that carries all sorts of materials/books/remembrance gifts for pregnancy and infant loss.

Dh and I spent an agonizing four days deciding what we would do, and did what was best for us. I wish your friend the best of luck and many







!!

You are welcome to pm me if you have any more questions!


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## Tuppy (Oct 18, 2002)

Pam,

I saw the link on the diapering board and I thought I'd come over and give you some input...I lost my son at 18wks last year and this is what we did...

I had problems with the pg from the very beginning and when we hit the 18wk mark we went in for an u/s to check on a blood clot...During the u/s they advised us that my amniotic fluid had been leaking as was extremely low and I was dialated to 3cm.. We were devasted and didn't have time to think about anything.. I was immediately admitted to the hospital to deliver our son.. I was terrified because I didn't know what to expect..When we got to the hospital we were assigned a special nurse who specializes in pg loss..She was wonderful and explained EVERTHING to us.

My biggest conflict was whether or not to see and hold my son..I was terrified about how I would react to the way he looked..My dh was the same way and I was sure that he wouldn't be able to see him.. After about 1.5 of laboring our son was born and the nurse took him over to a warmer...My dh immediately walked over to see our son..He didn't even hesitate. That gave me the strength to ask to see him as well. It was the best decision I ever made and now I have those precious memories to hang on to..

The hospital was wonderful...They took such beautiful pictures of Adam and gave us a special bag to hold our special momentos..They dressed him in a precious little outfit with a cap for the pictures..They took prints of his feet, made a basinett card for him, gave us the measuring tape they used to measure him, and they made a baby bracelet for us just like the ones they give to full-term newborns..I treasure these momentos since they are all we have of our son.

Everyone is soooo different on how they handle these type of situations...If she chooses delivery she would still have a choice to see her baby if she felt up to it..If she has a d&c there is no choice. The only bad thing is she would have to endure the pain of labor and she may not be up to that.. I was given drugs to help with the pain but I was still an emotional wreck!! It's such a difficult thing to have to endure and only your friend and her husband know what they can and can't handle.

Sorry I got a little wordy... I just wanted to tell my story and maybe help a little in some way.. My heart goes out to your friend and her husband..









Your more than welcome to email me if you have any other questions..My email is [email protected]


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I'm so, so sorry for your friend's loss. :-(

My friend lost her baby at 20 weeks to Trisomy 13 last year and had a D&C. I'm not sure if she's ever gotten over not being able to say goodbye to her baby. She hasn't been able to get pregnant again either, which is not helping. For some, a D&C might be the best way to go, but personally I think delivery is more healing. Your friend can get an epidural and not feel any labor pain, then be able to hold the baby and say goodbye and get momentos. It's a more natural process too, as if letting nature take its course rather than removing the baby under surgical conditions. I really think the hospital staff could be supportive of her too, more so than a D&C. My friend basically went in, had the procedure, and then when home, with no grief counseling or anything. There were women in this same clinic who were terminating unwanted pregnancies and that made her feel even more depressed. Then when her milk came in a few days later she was crushed further, because she didn't know to expect that. She still is holding onto her lost baby and I think the wound is still very raw. But of course your friend has to know what's best for her needs.

As her friend, the best thing is to be there. If the baby had a name or nick-name, talk about it with that name. Let her talk about the baby as much as she needs to. Talking heals. Maybe help her put together a scrap book for the baby with ultrasound photos, etc.

HUGS to you. You have a very tough job ahead of you.

Darshani


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your friend..it sounds like you got some great advice here...


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## sad (Mar 6, 2003)

I had a natural miscarriage at 16 weeks, at home. For me that was the best option: to be able to hold him and greive. Considering she had medical problems before it would be wise to have some kind of medical care available- but that doesn mean she would have to have a d&c if she doesnt want to. Does she want to see her baby? She should have someone to talk to about the reasons she is considering both- just to talk about it might help her choose what's best for her.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

My neighbor last her baby at 16 weeks and delivered. her prievious one was lost at 8 weeks and she had a d&C The only time I see her smile is when she tslks about how beautiful Jenny was and how they got to at least hold this one and how friendly the nurses were. Some thing else to consider is that she had to fight with the insurance company about the D&C with her first one. In the midst of her grief she had someone calling her up to inform her they don't cover abortions. to even hear that word asociated with a baby she fought so hard for was devistating. Apparently this is common arpound here. wth Jenny since it was labor and delivery there were no questions. It seems like such a little thing but it was truely horrible for her and just knowing and then being reminded that this was the same procedure people dod who didn't want thier babies. It was also helpful that she got to have a funeral and people could greive and know that they were grieving and it just sorta took some othe awkwardness out. She truely cherishes those brief moments she spent wit her dd looking at every inch of her and touching her and just knowing her face.


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