# how to deal constructively with the "why" stage?



## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

arrrgh!!!
ds, who will be three in january, is driving me crazy with the "why's?" i know its a normal thing for him to be doing, but it makes me want to rip my hair out. no matter what i say to him, heasks why. then if i explain whatever it is to him, he'll ask why again. and again. and again. . .well, you get it. i've found myself coming out with "because i said so," and realizing why parents everywhere say this annoying phrase LOL, but i hate hearing it come out of my mouth, and i know it isn't very constructive. sometimes i'll turn it into a game - he'll say why, i'll say because, he'll say why again, i'll say because again, in a teasing way, and then eventually switch to saying "why?" myself, which he thinks is hysterical. sometimes, if i know he knows "why," i'll say, "i'm not sure, maybe you can tell ME why," that works sometimes. any other ideas to keep me from saying htat dreaded "because i said so?"


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Depending on the question, you might say: "That's a really great question. Let's go find the answer!" and then look the subject up on the computer or at the library. The process will either fascinate him (and breed a love of learning) or bore him to tears (because he is still pretty young)....but maybe also end the episode of repetitive "why"?


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## Liz (Mar 8, 2002)

My 3 yr old son does this, too, but he does accept "I don't know". I try to answer all his questions and so far he isn't a repetitive 'whyer', he listens to the answer and then asks another related question so it's not too annoying. If I don't know sometimes we will try to figure it out together. It does bug me when he will ask me a question but then for some reason ask my husband the same question like he wants a second opinion, especially about anything particularly masculine like tractors. I'm usually right so hopefully he will learn that Mamma knows a thing or two about tractors, too!

My niece, however, was a repetitive 'whyer'. She really wasn't even listening to your answer she just wanted to keep you talking. Drove me crazy. She is still (4yrs old) a very talkative kid, she rarely shuts up and it can take her a long time to get it out. Ummm....then....ummm......we.....ummmm.........wen t.........uhhhhhh............we went.....ummmmm....to.......... I love her to bits!


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## SoHappy (Nov 19, 2001)

I think my signature line shows that I know where you're coming from.

My favorite response when he keeps going is, "Why do you think?" And then I'll make up some ridiculous "possibilities".


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

sohappy, the quote by your DS is precious! Made me feel good from the inside out. I plan to keep it on mental record when DS gets to askin' those questions.

Eclipse, My DS will also be 3 in January and has very recently been toying with the "Why" questions... somehow, I didn't imagine them starting this early. I mean with 'NO' and 'MINE' making late appearances (and still hanging around I might add), I figured I still had some time to work out a good strategy.









Anyway, so far I've just tried to answer each question honestly and as simply as possible. Once I've answered the same question a few times, and I'm reasonably certain he knows the answer, I'll answer his "why" with: "Well, why do _you_ think the mailman comes to the door sometimes?" If he answers his own question say like, "when there's a BIG package!" he always seems pretty darned pleased with himself and moves on...


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## Threefold (Nov 27, 2001)

my ds, 3 in Dec, just got into this as well. So far my strategy is to answer a few of the whys in each series, then start to ramble and slightly change the subject. I read somewhere that why is often a way to keep the dialogue going instead of really looking for the correct answer. With my ds, I think it sometimes is, as the why series most often come up when I'm preoccupied.
I have yet to say, "because" but it's on the tip of my tongue







:


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## AnelleSouthAfrica (Oct 4, 2003)

I try to answer the questions as often as possible. I'm also blessed with a reading 5 year old so sometimes if it gets too much I refer my 3yos to my 5yos. This way they both are learning









I also find that sometimes I turn the tables and ask: "Why do YOU think that happens/is ?" I see this as a chance to train my children to be critical thinkers.

We also have a daily time in which I train my children to be 100% quiet and still for about 10 minutes. When traffic gets hectic or we are somewhere where I can't answer the questions, I tell them that we are going to have a few minutes of quiet time so mommy can clear her head/ concentrate on the traffic or whatever.

Enjoy the Why's stage, way to soon that too will pass


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## veggiewolf (Apr 11, 2002)

I also used "Why do you think that happens?" with some success. Of course, then my DS got into a phase where he would ask a question, answer himself, and then ask me if I agreed (i.e. Don't you think so, Mommy?)

Of course, you could also ask him some why questions: "DS, why do you think grass is green?" "Where does the sun go at night?" "Why do cats have fur?" My DS, at 3, thought it was one of the best games I'd ever come up with.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

Food for thought:

When my mom asked the doctor "when will this stage end?!?" after my constant questioning, he replied "if you are a good mother, never"

Even though it still exasperated her, it really helped her to understand that this desire for knowledge is an opportunity to nurture a love of learning. I still ask why, btw. I hope I can be as patient with my ds. He exasperates me and doesn't even talk yet...lol.


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## Liz (Mar 8, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by SoHappy_
*I think my signature line shows that I know where you're coming from.*
I have always loved your signature line but think of it more and more often now that ds has hit the 'why' stage. I can't help but think your son will be a researcher of some kind. Congratulations on raising an inquiring mind!


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