# Wasting potential as a SAHM. It's true.



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Hear me out, okay?

I am happy being a SAHM and believe 100% that it is the best thing for *everyone* in my family: Ds (2.5), for all obvious reasons; Dh bc he works his a$$ off as it is and could not possibly take on any more household duties, plus he wants this for me and ds; and Me, bc I do not have the work ethic or the stamina to be a mom AND WOH *or* WAH. I see how my mothering changes (for the worst) when I'm trying to get to LLL on time (







), so there's no WAY I could leave each day for a job.

And it's working well.

EXCEPT . . . that I must admit, (and would be SO happy if someone else would just AGREE with me and not try to talk me out of feeling this way!) that I have gifts which are being wasted. There is just no way around it.

I will not post my resume or toot my own horn too much, but some days I am painfully aware that I have quite a bit of potential (academic, leadership, artistic, activist) that is not being used.

And I KNOW that many of you will want to rush to my rescue and remind me that I have my whole life to persue these areas -- and change the world, if I see fit -- but can we please admit that at least for now, I am not actually changing anyone's world beyond my own family's?!? NOT THAT THIS IS A BAD THING (please, no one take offense -- I'm talking about my deepest mama feelings, not judgement of ANYONE else), but it is a reality with which I think I'm trying to come to terms. (still, after 2.5 years!)

You know, I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling this way tonite bc I've been reading some fabulous stuff -- Ayun Halliday, everything in Brain, Child -- and I'm realizing that SOME mothers manage to SAHM *and* do their art, or their writing, or their activism. Guess I'm feeling a little like an ugly duckling, bc "all" I do is SAH.

Sigh. So what am I hoping to accomplish with this thread? I guess I just want to know if anyone else ever feels this way. Are you a talented person with all your talents on hold? Do you harbor secret thoughts that you're wasting your potential? (guess mine are not so secret anymore!)

If I get flamed for this, I'm telling you now that I don't have the energy to defend myself or my feelings. I just hope that no one will take my musings as criticism of *their* choices . . . you'll note that I'm not even critisizing mine, just reflecting on them.

To post or not to post? That is the question . . .

:LOL


----------



## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I feel you. I do.

I have friends in real life that I joke with about this. And genuinely commiserate, depending on our moods. Some days it is easy to be philosopic and look forward to the great, wonderful things we will do when our time is more our own but some days... ya just gotta wallow. It's just silly to pretend that anyone, high school drop out or with advanced dgerees, is going to be deeply, joyfully satisfied with an endless string of days in which their paramount accomplishment is creating a healthy snack that gets eatten all up.


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Thank you, kama'aina mama! I needed that!


----------



## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I'll post...

I am struggling with returning to work in May 2005 when dd will be 3 years old. I have a leave of absence until then. I am a (yes, a bit of back patting) good computer programmer/analyst and some days I SOOOOO miss those days of algorithms, problem-solving and bug-finding. I think about how good I was at my job and how much money I made. And now I am thinking about not going back so I can be home summers with dd. "So much code to write, too little time because I'm now a mama" is my motto. I hear you Breathe! I feel a tug towards my CAREER and sometimes wonder if dd would be better off in daycare, and me back to work, doubling our income.

But then... I still get to pull dd in my arms and watch her take her nap... and it's all worth it.

Yeah, I'm wasting potential, but if I were at work all day, I'd still be wasting potential too. I'm right there with you, though.







I'm an LLL leader and just that seems overwhelming at times. How could I work and be a mother and an LLL leader? I guess our potential expands as we grow.


----------



## delighted.mama (Jan 29, 2003)

I totally hear and understand ya!







: Hope I don't get flamed too! I could have written that post myself, with the exception that I am now doing things that give me balance. That's the key, at least for me and my family. Otherwise, I would totally feel the same way. What you are doing is so incredibly important, as you already realize







, but it really only affects your family right now. I won't go into the details of how wonderful it is to be a SAHM, because that isn't what your OP was about. You also seem to have a very good grasp of the benefits to your family.

Aside from that, however, IMHO you are an individual too. You were a person with talents before having kids. Those talents don't just go away (whether academic, artistic, leadership, etc), but they can certainly stagnate if not used. You can certainly use those talents later on in life, but that is also easier said than done. Offering that as an excuse is just a little too pat, IMO. In many fields, out of sight is out of mind. Sad but true. Someone else is always there to do the work, write the book, paint that painting, etc. Also, as you get older, and have more kids, responsibilities, bills, etc, it is not as easy to "get back into the field" whatever that field may be.







In my experience, I have seen too many women who devoted themselves completely to hearth and home, and now that their kids are teens and in college, they have nothing for themselves, except maintaining the house. That's fine, if it is for you. But, if you have talents that you don't use, then it might not be enought for you. KWIM?







:

Maybe you can get back into using some of your talents. Do you have anyone who can help you out with babysitting if you choose to get back into doing some things. IMHO, I think a balanced woman makes a balanced and happy mother. We were women before we became mothers. Being a mother is a blessing and a bonus, but it shouldn't take away from our individuality







as women. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. Just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I understand!


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Can I just say how excited I got using Excel for a purpose the other day? I was a math major, so it really did something for me. I actually was using my brain the way it used to be used. Now, I don't want my old job back per se, but I do need to use my brain in a more efficient way. And it was moments like that when I began to really think about what else there is to me that isn't being tapped into right now. I hear you Breathe!!!


----------



## Benjismom (Aug 24, 2002)

I understand completely, Breathe. I drive myself crazy being a part-time WAHM to two young children (both with asthma so winters are nuts) so that I can stay involved in my field, which fascinates me and I'm really good at (since we're not indulging in false modesty in this thread).

During the times when I've been a full-time SAHM (several months after each child was born plus a few months while we were getting ready to move and my husband was already working in the new city), I really enjoyed the connection to my kids, being in that rhythm of full-time caregiving. I also am very domestic, and actually love shopping, cooking and even most cleaning. Laundry is like a meditation for me. (I know I need help.)

But when I was at home full time there was always that other part of me that needed to be attended to. My work both is intellectually very analytical and challenging and, I feel, contributes to making society better. I couldn't get along without it and I don't believe there would be any way for me to get the same things out of an activity that wasn't work. I have passed up some really great job opportunities to stay part-time (I work for myself and consult) and have enough time to keep my family happy and everything running smoothly. But even with part-time work I feel like my talents are on hold and I hope to make full use of them someday.

Hugs to you and good luck. I'm glad no one flamed you.

Beth, Mom to Benji and Maggie


----------



## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

Yep, I understand. I've been there at various times over the last five years. Not going to try and make you feel better by talking about the future because you asked us not to.
Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one to love being a mom, to know you are doing the right thing for your family, and to still grieve for your own personal losses and sacrifices. Whoever said we can have it all didn't have a clue.


----------



## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Well, add me to the list of people who are cruisin for a big ol flaming!

Because I agree with you. (There, I'm out of the closet.)

In fact, I've done a lot of thinking about this recently.

Let me start by saying that I do WOH about 14 hours a week - a teeny fraction of my former 80+ hour weeks as a management consultant, but still it's 14 hours/week (spread over 3 days). I was home with dd and ds full time until they turned 1, then I went back on a VERY part-time schedule (and do some more work from home but ONLY when dd and ds are napping - a very firm rule) which remains. So I've kind of seen it from every perspective recently: the successful business woman... the stay at home mom... the mostly SAHM who is also struggling to have a very part-time career too.

Don't get me wrong, I think being a mama is the most important thing that has EVER happened in my life, I am extremely proud to be dd's and ds' mother, and it gives me tremendous joy and satisfaction to spend lots and lots of time with them (quality and just plain old time LOL). But... I really can't help but wonder if I could have been just as good a mama without ever graduating from high school, kwim? As in, what was the point of all that education and training just to sit around my house with my kids all day... no one needs to go to college and business school (or law school, or med school (or any kind of education) for that! And I actually mean that literally. As in, I don't think that being formally educated makes you a better mother and I have a very hard time believing that all mothers from the dawn of humanity until the 1960's were terrible.

I am starting to think there may be a downside... not meaning I'm going to go throw the baby out with the bath water, but it's just a downside or something to consider... about the AP SAH mothering style which I am trying to embrace: it's the complete unabashed (and amazing) selflessness of it and the expectation of continual supression of your own skills or ambitions for the good of your children or family. A little part of me hates to admit that I find something very un-feminist about that, which I have a hard time reconciling for myself. My mother and her generation fought like the dickens to get equal rights and strive for equal pay, and for what? So their daughters whom they went into debt to put through college and/or graduate school can quit their jobs and choose to stay at home after less than 10 years in the workforce???

On the one hand, I think there is nothing more important than being a mother, and for women who decide to stay home and never have one regret, I truly believe that is wonderful. But for the many women I know who feel like we have to make a choice - family over X or Y - I wish our society were able to support ALL that we have to offer and not make us feel like we have to constantly choose family over our own ambitions.

Like tax credit for SAHMs!!!







OK, now I'm really done.

Sorry this was so long. I guess everything poured out and I was really so happy to read someone else had been pondering the same types of ideas I had. Not that I have any answers though. Just understanding.









Edited to add: I just discovered Brain, Child myself.







I love it!!

And I do feel strongly that it IS possible to have it all.... but that doesn't necessarily mean having it all RIGHT NOW. Now I'm focusing on being a mama, but have my foot in the door so I can pick back up my career when my youngest child(ren) goes off to 1st grade. This seems to be working for me/us so far.


----------



## seraph (Sep 11, 2002)

It seems to me that one of the things our feminist foremothers fought for was choice. I honor mamas who work in the home, out of the home, or both, whether by choice or circumstance. If you enjoy non-domestic work and you have a good system that works for you, whether it be a great caregiver, working at home when the babes are asleep, or working opposite shifts with your partner, more power to you.
Me, I was a SAHM until my babe was 6 months old. Now I work outside the home with DD 4 hours a week, and work at home 9-12 hours a week. I don't make much, but it buys us groceries and I enjoy the mental stimulus of working very much. I also like that I have a variety of jobs - I run a toddler playgroup one morning a week, I do childcare in my home for a little boy 1 afternoon a week, and I work part time doing shipping for another WAHM's business. I hated working full time and I won't again if we can avoid it, but I like having something else to focus on for awhile.


----------



## absinthe (Mar 16, 2004)

Thank You Thank You Thank You Breathe! Thank you for giving voice to my deepest (darkest?) feelings. I love my family and my life but it gets lonely and, lets face it, dull sometimes. I occasionally find that a whole day has gone by and I haven't uttered a multisyllable word. I know that my choices have a profound effect on my daughter but my little corner of the universe seems awfully small. Somedays I swear I can hear a cosmic clock ticking, ticking, ticking. Margaret Atwood once said "Potential has a shelf life" and sometimes I hear that refrain in my head as I'm trying to get some much needed sleep. Don't know where I'm trying to go with this but thank you for the post!


----------



## IslandMamma (Jun 12, 2003)

Breathe, that was a beautiful, eloquent post. You gave voice to something I struggle with constantly, and am often too afraid to voice.

Balance. I'm forever seeking balance.


----------



## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I guess I do not see the stage of full-time care of young children as a permanent one (unless you're going to homeschool).

When I feel frustrated at the repetition of my life right now, I try to focus on that. This is just a stage of life. It is allowing me a huge impact on four lives, guaranteed, though I may not see the fruits of it for a couple of decades or more.

You always retain your potential (unless you're a supermodel I guess). It's frustrating to not feel that you are living up to it as much as you'd like. But why should we feel like there is a "shelf life" on potential? The most creative, interesting, and dynamic women I know blossomed in their 40s and 50s. I might have weird friends though.









I view the four years I spent getting my B.S. as a huge waste in many ways. I jumped through the hoops, did the drudgery, so that I could get my piece of paper and move on. I figure spending 5 years tending full time to my little ones might be drudgery 80 percent of the time, but the finished product is much more dynamic and interesting, and I still get to get on with my future.

I have talents that aren't utilized in my parenting. It's frustrating for me because they are things that I enjoy and that help me to feel alive. But yet, this pain of not being able to totally focus on them is giving me new ideas of how to use them and how to incorporate them back into my life and I see this as a source of strength.


----------



## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

Well, personally, I wish you'd post your resume AND toot your own horn. What is wrong with THAT?


----------



## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

I'm absolutely with you. Being a full time sahm is actually not at all natural in today's society where we don't have extended family and community around, where we are not busy engaged in work with the kids on our backs, etc etc...so I'm not convinced it's the best or only way.

I try as much as possible to do my "normal" stuff while taking care of DS (I practice trumpet, do yoga, write, research, etc), and I think that's as healthy for him to experience as dragging him to yet another mother-toddler group. But it's hard, sometimes impossible, and at this point (DS is 2.5) I'm desparate to work. DH and I strive to share childcare by both working 20-30 hrs each, but that's the dream. We'll see in reality.

Here's the things I never really did but wish I had;

- held onto my job at least a day or two a week, rather than quitting completely thinking I could happily put my career aside for 5 yrs. By the time DS was 6 months I already realised that was a big mistake.

- hired babysitters early on (DS has never had one) so he got used to it and we got used to doing our own thing. Even if they just take him to the park and I stay home and practice, write, whatever.

- used Dh much more; I am only now getting in the habit of getting out in the evenings to pursue things; yoga, meditation, etc, so that during the day I have that time to look forward to.

- stayed more involved with my profession, through conferences, reading, meetings etc.

I feel I'm just getting a grasp on all this and now as I'm feeling ready to go back to work p/t we're also ttc another, so I'm nervous of going back to where I started. But I do aim for it to be different second time around. I've always known that to be the best mother I can be I need to pursue my dreams and career.


----------



## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Breathe_
*but can we please admit that at least for now, I am not actually changing anyone's world beyond my own family's?!?*
No. :LOL

Seriously - by staying at home and giving your son a stabile, loving start in life (btw - I'm not saying this isn't possible if a mother works out of the home. It just appears that, according to you, it wouldn't work so well in your case), you are raising a secure child. As a result, you are making a difference in the world that my son is going to grow up in. I really appreciate that. REALLY. Especially after I go to the playground and see the throngs of hellions that he might have to go to school with one of these days.



*Quote:*

Sigh. So what am I hoping to accomplish with this thread? I guess I just want to know if anyone else ever feels this way. Are you a talented person with all your talents on hold? Do you harbor secret thoughts that you're wasting your potential? (guess mine are not so secret anymore!)
Yes. Absolutely. And I'm even in law school right now. I still feel like there's so much more or different I could be doing. For example, after 29 years, I'm finally coming into my creativity. And I just don't have the energy to do anything with it. And, to be honest, even if I wasn't in school, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the energy for it. It's as though whatever I absolutely HAVE to do is the sum of the energy I can muster.

But, you know, your child is still quite young and user-intensive. This time period is exhausting. Fairly soon, he might start doing more by and for himself... and then you'll be freed up a little to focus on other things that are important to you. It's a waiting game.

In the meantime, I hope you can find some solace in the fact that your child is going to be a positive contributor to society largely because of what you are providing for him now. That means soooooo much.


----------



## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

I feel this way, too at times. It is one of those darkest deepest feelings and I fear them, like the feelings being true is too much to handle.

I think there is much sacrifice of the self in order to mother children. Part of the problem is there is little in our culture that affirms mothering children and I have received precious little of that affirmation over the years.

About a month ago I started going through this, it's sort of a depression. I feel as though I have nothing tangible to show for my life. I haven't accomplished much of anything and if I even attempt to try now I am so wasted away I would fail miserably.

Three things came to mind as failures for me (and they might sound petty) my karate has been sucking. I have been in the midst of preparing to paint my daughters room since before Christmas, and I have been purposing to register for classes at a local University but the trip to the U has been postponed over and over again. I actually got prayer for this because it was hurting me so badly. The week after getting prayer I painted the ceiling of the room (dh was mad at me for that) I went to get info for classes, and I broke two boards at once so I felt better about my karate.

I admit I'm an extreme case because I've been mothering children for the past 25 years of my life (basically my entire adult life) and I wasn't even involed in a self-fulfilling activity until almost two years ago (karate and I'm not sure that counts since six of my children train as well)

If I had to re-live my life (and I wasn't going to get the children I have now because it was a complete restart with the outcome completely open) I would at least finish my education and establish myself in some career.

I would work to change the basic structure and expectations of work and home. My ideal model would be both parents working less (ideally about 30hours each) and the overlap of hours would be daycare hours but it would be relatively minimul (10-15 hours in daycare with the parents soloing 20 hours/week)

I would definately give more to myself because as things are I get little respect from people, I'm not taken as seriously. I, for example, am expected to do most of the work around the house and generally all of the parenting responsibility ismine. For example, dh has been working too many hours. I really need to train tonight because it's the advanced class, I get to train with my daughter I don't see much, and I'm testing next week and I need as many trainings with our main sensei as I can manage. My son has a wrestling meeting at the same time. DH doesn't even consider taking Jon to the meeting, he has his work (he could take his work home with him especially since the majority of the family will be in karate.) but I'm guilting because I'm leaning toward going to karate (Jon's involved in several sports and has recently taken an interest in wrestling) Jon thinks he could get a ride but I think he is feeling that we aren't interested in him because of this and I'm guilting about it.

And Dh isn't.

This is one of many numerous examples of what encompases the dark side of my choices.

DB


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Wow. I am overwhelmed by your responses! I have SO many thoughts and want to reply to each of you, bc I feel a really awesome conversation coming on (!!), but sadly, we were up ALL NIGHT -- not an exaggeration, it was my first all-nighter since grad school -- with a sick child. And so today I must survive and get this child well.

heavy, heavy sighs. Yet ANOTHER reason I could not hold down another job. How do WOHMs do it?!?!

More from me as soon as I can. Keep it comin' Mamas!

Eleanor


----------



## pageta (Nov 17, 2003)

Okay, I agree - I am not reaching my full potential as a SAHM. But to be quite honest with you (and myself), I'm not using my full potential as a SAHM any less than I was at any job I have ever held. I mean, is there really an ideal job out there that would perfectly use my talents to the fullest? I don't think so. I was happy to quit and be a SAHM because every job I've had has been dumb in one way or another.

The last company I worked at, after being there a year, I was paid 25% more than I was when I started because I got raises at every evaluation (3 months, 6 months, and a year) - according to the employee manual you are only eligible for one raise, but apprently my boss convinced them that I was pretty good. And when I got pregnant, they BEGGED me to return and told me I could have a flexible schedule and work whatever hours I wanted. Currently, I'm working exclusively from home via internet for about 10 hours a week because that's about all I manage to get in, but if I put in 20 or more they'd be just as happy. I've held various positions with that company, from auditing to working on special projects where I'm troublshooting different issues that come up. So I'm very good at what I do, but it certainly is not a passion for me. I wouldn't say I love my job or that I would even think of going back to do it full time and putting DS in daycare. I do it because I know my time is a huge help to them, since they can't hand my tasks to just anyone. But I would quit in a minute if I didn't need that little "extra" in order for us to afford my being a SAHM. I've certainly found my "niche" at this company where my abilities are put to their best use for them, but I don't think I'm reaching my potential there any more than I am being a SAHM. Frankly, I'd rather not have to worry about making the time to put in those 10 hours every week. I know I'm appreciated and I make good money, but I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my potential any more at that job than I am as a SAHM.

So yes, I'm wasting my potential as a SAHM, but no more than I have at any job I've ever had. I mean, can you really come up with an ideal job that would perfectly use your potential, much less actually find that ideal job?


----------



## tofumama (Jan 20, 2004)

Ugh. I could cry. I feel like this, and more so as of late.
I am very creative, artistic and talented. And I am doing NOTHING with it, b/c all I do is be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that and wouldn't trade it for the world, but to be able to do something crafty or artsy. I have been told numerous times I should do something with my 'talent', people rave about my stuff...but when? I SO admire the work at home Mamas who can do it all. Maybe someday, but right now I feel I am TOTALLY wasting time! I do work out of the home 1 day a week, but its at a job I don't even like! I just do it b/c its for a friend. I also am a massage therapist, which I could do at home, but do you think I am? Nope. Maybe we should start a MDC support group :LOL Kidding...well, maybe not...


----------



## layla (Jul 2, 2002)

I think a lot of moms feel like that. We all know that being a mom is the most important thing, but society doesn't make us feel validated and many of us are unfulfilled deep down inside. It's not selfish or weird or anything. it just is. Maybe in the future you can fulfill your inner longing and feel more...I don't know, complete? My fear is that my inner most longing is to be a working actress and with each baby and each year passing, that dream gets more and more unlikely. It makes me sad, but I wouldn't change a thing, not for all the self fulfiiment in the world. I'm educated in other fields that I can work in (I'm a nutritionist), but that doesn't make me feel alive, kwim? Don't think about running yourself ragged right now, but maybe focus on when your little one is older. Put it on the back burner so to speak. ((((hugs))))


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

What a wonderful thread! Breathe, I can totally relate to what you are saying and I'd be very surprised if you got flamed for it!

Tigerchild, wonderful post (as usual!). I, too, try to think of these years as just a short time, kind of like high school or something.

After 12 years of University and 2.5 years of a post-doc I was really ready for a break when I got pregnant with DD. I was a SAHM for the first 15 months and at first I was completely in love and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I actually wondered if I'd ever want to go back to work.

But, I had been doing some work part-time on the side, at my own pace, and I found that I really looked forward to those phone meetings every other month when I got to talk "shop" and use parts of my brain and education that weren't being used much anymore. By the time DD was one, I began to feel the twinges of mild depression. I found I was usually not getting out of the house until after noon, and things weren't satisfying me.

Fortunately, DH is able to be a SAHD, so I returned to my career and I'm very very happy. I will be taking a year off when this baby is born, too. But I know it's just a year, and I plan to stay involved in my work a bit, but also savour that year since I know it won't last long!!

I'm really glad I took the break, because it allowed me to discover just how important that "balance" we talk about is. For each of us, it's different. For some moms it's working FT out of the home, for others it's taking an art class or yoga class twice a week. But that balance needs to be there. I now know that I will never want to quit my career, and that feels comforting for some reason. I just hate "not knowing", y'know?









I do think that motherhood simply does require a certain degree of selflessness and sacrifice, and that if we are honest with ourselves, it's part of what babies need. But I also think that if we remind ourselves how short a time it is that they are that dependent on us (when they are nursing every 2 hours, or need to be held all day), it makes it easier. And even then, we need to find balance and "me time" even if it's just DH taking the baby for a walk in the sling.


----------



## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

I currently WOH but intend to be a SAHM when our first babe arrives in June. I really appreciate all the thoughtfully written and honest posts on this thread.

And I wanted to follow up on something pageta mentioned.

I have what is by many people's standards "a really good job." I work in a university with nice people and I generally enjoy what I do but I often feel that I am not living up to my potential and I certainly feel frustrated by my lack of involvment in the world (i.e. issues of concern to me). I often question the purpose of my work and what I am contributing to society (especially when I bored to tears in my third meeting of the day as we are debating the most minute and insignificant point like it REALLY MATTERS in the grand scheme of life







--







ooo sorry...little rant).

I often think about all the writing I used to do, my painting and other creative endeavours and think....oh







if only I didn't have to work 40 hours a week (plus a 45 min. commute each way) then I could __________.

No answers here...just a slightly different perspective. I hope this thread continues.....really great discussion.

~Erin


----------



## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Here's my view on this:

I am a PT SAHM/PT WOHM. I work 3 days a week and am home with Goo 4 days a week. Wow, is it is tough balance. I often feel like my work suffers, but then I really enjoy having time to help Goo grow.

I do want to have more time in the day. Somedays, I want to do everything.

I think the thing that SAHM miss is the community that earlier generations had. So many people had the whole neighborhood to visit (think Doris Day and the nice 50's shows).
We just don't have that today. Families are spread across the country and that makes it hard to take the time you need to be you.

Anyway, just my random babblings.....


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I will be losing my teaching certification in May b/c I didn't teach public school for 2 years or start my Masters before becomming a SAHM, so that's a tangible loss- granted I am glad I chose what I did, but it's still a waste.

Also- I am an activist at heart and have very little time to pursue my causes at this time, and I have real talent in that area that is being wasted right now.

That said, I agree with PPs that even were I working, I would still be wasting other talents I have- although as a teacher- I really did have my ideal job









I hear you Breathe.


----------



## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

Quote:

I mean, can you really come up with an ideal job that would perfectly use your potential, much less actually find that ideal job? [/B]
Yes, and yes! Dh and I both had our dream jobs and we gave them up temporarily for our son. I'm a music therapist and get to use my music and help people all at once, Dh was a high up peace activist/program director. Both getting paid to do what we love and to have a positive influence in the world. And we will do it again soon...









Here's something I hold on to. When I was studying trumpet with a trumpet goddess in NYC, she told me however long you put the trumpet aside you will always be a trumpet player, and when you come back to it your playing will have grown because you will have grown.

Now that I'm coming back to it after a few yrs of being immersed in motherhood I'm discovering she's right. I'm a different woman with a different life perspective. I also feel more passionate about it because I'm not taking it for granted so much. I feel the same about my work, that I will really throw myself into it when I get back to it.


----------



## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

I keep thinking about this thread and all of the wonderful things you ladies have shared. I, too, left a "good" career to be a SAHM, but for me the career was always, in my mind, something to do until I had kids. I always wanted to be a SAHM. I knew I was going to college but once I was there I had no idea what to major in. I changed majors a few times. Eventually majored in English because I loved to read and was a decent writer. Spent a year in law school. Then went to grad school and emerged with an M.Ed. and a good job at a college. But I seemed to just fall into those things. I have always been envious of people who had a real passion for something. Being a mom is the closest I've ever had to that feeling.

It's not that I don't have interests. I have LOTS of interests! :LOL I just can't seem to focus on one thing with intensity and passion for long. I've picked up and dropped real writing several times. I've even had things published and would love to do more of that, but as we all know, being a SAHM really makes maintaining creative energy tough. Plus I'm still working p/t but from home. But it doesn't bring me much real joy, KWIM? Mainly I just feel tired and over stretched most of the time.

So I think my darkest fear goes down one level than yours, Breathe. I think my real fear is that I'm never going to feel that passion. That as much as I love being a SAHM, that once my dc are grown, I'll spend the rest of my life remembering the snapshots of the best times of having little ones and those will be the best times of my life. Then I'll regret that I didn't appreciate them more at the time. Sigh.

OK, so I'm not normally this morose. Just having a down day I guess. Too much inner reflection!


----------



## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

well, rather than post something original, i'm going to quote myself and a recent email to a friend which i posted on my blog :
i think that my struggle has to do with understanding my choice to be a mother. being a mother is a greater task than i could ask for. it takes everything of me, all the parts of me to do it as well as i like. i can do things outside of being a mom, and i do, but at the moment all roads lead back to that. the things that i am doing outside of being a mom include leading an attachment parenting group and organizing an attachment parenting group booth at a mother's day event. i also see a therapist to talk about being a mom, since my adult interaction is limited. i don't mind being a mom. i love it, it's fabulous. and i am still me even though i'm a mom. i guess i've found a career, you could say. but the struggle is that sometimes doubt creeps in. guilt creeps in. curiosity creeps in. and i begin to wonder if maybe there is some other version of my life. sometimes i feel the pressures of 70s-era feminism saying that opportunities were presented to me that i snotily declined. sometimes i feel the pressures of artisthood breathing down my neck saying that i should be progressing, growing, producing at all. at other times i realize that all of this is the stuff of life and if i were doing anything else i would be missing the real thing which is where i'm at - the purpose of the species, the intentions of my biology, to which i know that i am truly, truly dedicated. i know that despite the rhetoric, the goal of feminism was to allow for the choice, which as a culture we are only now remotely appreciating. i know that despite feminist gains that support for mothers at home or mothers at work or single mothers is decidely lacking and that the discrepancy between the pay rates of men and women is 75 cents on the dollar. i know that in order to be an artist fully, i must allow for life to feed the art. i also know how frida khalo struggled with the inertia to create, how fitzgerald felt that his earlier work was immature, and how salinger still hides in the woods. what history now tells me is that given all the time in the world (van gogh) or a hefty cocaine habit (basquiat), or the world's wealthiest sponsor (michelangelo), or some combination of the three, one can produce ad infinitum, provided one's back, or one's heart, or one's brain doesn't give out, which of course it eventually does. i am not yet 25. my world is not likely to end tomorrow. i must simply learn to accept everything in good time. i must also devise better methods for staving off all those gremlins of fear and doubt and guilt. and as an artist, for which the time will come, i must learn how to do as jack black has mastered and keep ego and critics away from my brain as my fingers type or paint or what have you. and you're right, indeed - f%&$ 'em.


----------



## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by muse_
*.however long you put the trumpet aside you will always be a trumpet player, and when you come back to it your playing will have grown because you will have grown.*
Yeah--that's how I am feeling. When this SAHM thing ends, I will have come through it a different person (a better, and more focused person, I hope). I am toying with the idea of going into the field of women's health--doula-ing, some sort of advocacy for breastfeeding or natural childbirth. That is my passion now, and certainly was nothing I would have thought about so much before becoming a mama.

I worked PT with DS#1 (directing a nonprofit program), but left when DS#2 was born. I gotta say, I do like being at home, even though I find it somewhat difficult at times. It goes SO FAST, and in the blink of an eye, they'll be grown and gone. And I am an "older mama", too, so I will be pretty ripe by the time they go.

So, in the meantime, I volunteer my time within the causes that matter to me. For example, I have a BA in English, so I volunteer to edit the newsletters of the organizations I belong to--this keeps my skills current & gives me something I can feel proud of & stick onto my resume for when the time comes. It also lets me make connections & get references for later down the road.

Maybe try volunteering. I am not sure what it was you did at work, but I am sure some organization would be thrilled to get you!

Good luck--sorry you are feeling so down.


----------



## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

Great, great thread. Breathe, I think your post is *so* important, and that these conversations need to be had by moms everywhere. I have so many thoughts going through my head, so I'm going to try and be concise!

First, I relate!! And so I find myself digging for ways to get the "pre-baby" me out there but its usually on such a surface level. I was a teacher and outdoor, experiential educator and so while I can't see myself returning to the classroom full time for many, many years (and, maybe never) I'm finding smaller, less time intensive ways to use those skills and passion- like teaching birthing classes, volunteering for things that we are involved in and taking on leadership roles there, etc...

Second, I completely agree with Dragonfly. By raising your dc the way you are, you will have a ripple effect on who knows how many others by the way son shows up in the world. Granted, we can't control how our children will grow up and be, but we certainly can have a huge impact in how we parent them.

Third,
"I really can't help but wonder if I could have been just as good a mama without ever graduating from high school, kwim? As in, what was the point of all that education and training just to sit around my house with my kids all day... no one needs to go to college and business school (or law school, or med school (or any kind of education) for that! And I actually mean that literally. As in, I don't think that being formally educated makes you a better mother."

I disagree with this. I know everyone's college or other educational experience is different, but for me, those years were such an incredible time for self exploration adn growth. Maybe I'll never use that sustainable agriculture degree beyond gardening, but it was time dedicated to *me* and my journey. If i didnt' have that, I think I'd feel more of the lost potential. I look at my mom who didnt' go to college until I was in highschool and has struggled to get her career to where she wants it to be later in life. Having had my sister at 17, she never had those exploratory, alone years. Being a mother started for her so early, I can't help but think that some of the issues she deals with in her life stem from this. (I dont think this would be the case of every teen mom, but it is for her)

Fourth, I constantly remind myself that who we *are* is just as important as what we *do*, especially when I feel like I need to be doing something more, bigger, greater than what i am. I try and remember who I am outside of actions, and it makes me feel a bit more settled- even if only for a few moments!

Finally, i agree with tofumama! I think some kind of a support circle, or thread is a great thing. we could move it over to Personal Growth and could each designate some kind of a personal goal or something that we want to be working on and check it with each other about it.

well, it took me most of the afternoon ot write this, between naps, errands, and lunch- need to quit while I'm ahead!


----------



## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Fianna_
*...once my dc are grown, I'll spend the rest of my life remembering the snapshots of the best times of having little ones and those will be the best times of my life. Then I'll regret that I didn't appreciate them more at the time....*










This has me crying my eyes out. I am nostaligic for right now.










I'm having a difficult time knowing my heart right now. We are having a good day and my sweetie is sleeping beside me. Yesterday I probably would have gone off on my slowly-becoming-useless degree that I'm still paying for.







For me a p/t thing would really help with the balance.

I think my main issue is that I never pictured myself married, with children. I always thought I'd be climbing mountains and changing the world. I struggle with this idealized image of my amazing goddess-self vs. reality. And I wonder how I can complain about how society doesn't respect mothering when I seem to do the same thing- at least in regards to myself.


----------



## beccaboo (Nov 30, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Fianna_
*I have always been envious of people who had a real passion for something. Being a mom is the closest I've ever had to that feeling.

So I think my darkest fear goes down one level than yours, Breathe. I think my real fear is that I'm never going to feel that passion. That as much as I love being a SAHM, that once my dc are grown, I'll spend the rest of my life remembering the snapshots of the best times of having little ones and those will be the best times of my life. Then I'll regret that I didn't appreciate them more at the time.*
Oh my, this really spoke to me, Fianna! I can so relate.









Becca


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by newmainer_
*Maybe I'll never use that sustainable agriculture degree beyond gardening, but it was time dedicated to *me* and my journey. If i didnt' have that, I think I'd feel more of the lost potential.*
I know everybody's experience is different, but for me this is what I believe to be KEY to my current happiness and state of mind.

I wonder how I would ever have been able to give up so much of myself and my time if I hadn't had so many years of total devotion to me. Not only going through school, but the partying years of staying up all night and meeting all sorts of interesting people. Of getting into riding and training and competing (horses) and all the years I focussed on that. And just having so much time to myself! I cannot imagine being where I am now and not resenting so much of it if I hadn't had my fill of it earlier. I've BTDT, got the T-shirt, LOVED it, but I'm ready to move on. I really believe that if I had been a mother in my 20's I would have really sucked at it (and that's just me, of course, I know there are wonderful young mamas out there!!).


----------



## siddie (Jan 15, 2003)

Fact: When I return to the workforce after a 4-6 year or more break, my opportunities for advancement will be limited by the gap in employment and my age. I guess I am wasting my master's degree because I am not using it now. I am not earning or paying into a retirement plan now, this concerns me. We do contribute the annual amount for the tax deduction but I would like to contribute more.

I feel discriminated against by preschools as a sahm. They want the fulltime paying moms who aren't ever around to see what's going on. (If you read my other posts about p-schools, you know what I mean.)

There is no job better than being with my ds! I was able to rock him to sleep for all of his naps, no sleeping on hard pads on a daycare floor for him. I enjoy hanging out at the park with him and other moms. I feel much more at peace being a mom, no workplace conflicts, concerns over contracts or day to day stress. I had a very stressful job. We do have good and bad days and on the bad days I sometimes think going to work is easier than staying home. I can truly say that being a mother is the most rewarding experience of my life. I don't think anything else could compare and that includes fame, fortune, Nobel prizes, travel, etc.

Sahm's are not Mother Teresa, but I can't help but think that if more kids had healthy happy homes with good moms, there would not have been as much work for Mother Teresa.

Potential can be at any age. Clara Burton started the American Red Cross at age 75!


----------



## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by siddie_
*Fact: When I return to the workforce after a 4-6 year or more break, my opportunities for advancement will be limited by the gap in employment and my age. I guess I am wasting my master's degree because I am not using it now. I am not earning or paying into a retirement plan now, this concerns me. We do contribute the annual amount for the tax deduction but I would like to contribute more.
Potential can be at any age. Clara Burton started the American Red Cross at age 75!*
--Great post, siddie!!!
I took a 6 year break in my career and other than taking an 'update' type course (I'm an RN) it was no big deal: in fact [and here's a classic!] One interviewee said,' I question your committment to the healthcare profession as evidenced by your time away from it.' and another said,'I congratulate you for showing your commitment to family and raising your 3 kids well. I'd like to hire you.'
-- I also fought my (now-ex) husband tooth and claw over my need to mother our children according to the dictates of my conscience. After 5-6 years of steady fighting (and marriage counseling) he admitted to me I've done a great job with the kids....ironic, as he was a workaholic with no time for me or the children.
I am glad the posters here are open to speaking your minds and hearts. Do what is true for you, and makes you happy and you'll never regret it









Mother of 3 grown children (24, 20, and 18!!)...but who remembers the struggle.....


----------



## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

I have some of the same feelings. I am different in that I never had a career. I didn't finish college because I lost my funding. Then I got married and had my son at 21. So if you can believe it I have never had a job (my parents wanted me to concentrate on my studies in high school. I don't feel like being a mom is fulfilling my whole potential. Sometimes I get so depressed because I had so many plans for my life. I was in all enrichment classes, I have a genius IQ but I am just sitting at home raising babies. Plus I am planning to homeschool so I am stuck her for... well forever it seems. BUT... and this is a big but... I can't imagine myself being any happier being at work. I love my kids so much and I would miss them so much if I wasn't with them. I miss them when I drop them off at Sunday school and that's only an hour and I'm in the same building! I think for me what I need to do is find things that I can do WHILE being home like write a book (even if it never got published, I love writing), take some classes, get involved in something like discovery toys. So while I would love to do my own thing I know that I would feel worse if I was away from my kids. The idea of sending them off to school where i am away from them hours a day makes me feel sick inside. I know I'm not making any sense but that's okay, I'm tired! LOL


----------



## J-Max (Sep 25, 2003)

I hear ya Mommas!

I had dd#1 when I was 18 and just out of high school and just married dh. I graduated Saluatorian and had a scholoarship to college that I could not turn down, so defered it for 1 year. I am really smart and planned to get a doctorate degree, before getting preg while in high school. I went to college with a baby driving 70 miles each way and got my BS in 4 years in a very difficult program. I graduated last May (when 6 months prego with #2).

Dh and I had planned to have me stay home and I was looking forward to it. I love staying home with my girls, but Feel exactly what you are talking about. I still talk to and see many of the people in my program and see what they are doing. I want to stay home, but sometimes leaving my girls and learning more and improving my mind looks so much better than staying home, KWIM.

I love my girls and sitting here on MDC and nursing my babe with Abby coloring on the floor next to me warms my heart and I love it *most * of the time.

I do have a small herd of show cattle that we raise, but that is even more frustrating right now. I can't take the baby out to do chores and check calves. I want to go take care of my cows, but have to let dh do it after he comes home from work. We live in a very rural area and there is no around to watch dd. Last Sat, I took 2.5 hours and preg checked heifers for a neighbor while dh kept the girls. The baby cried the entire time I was gone. DH tried everything - baby food, a bottle (she won't take one), a sipppy cup, sling, ect. SHe stopped crying the minute I walked in the door. I love that she needs and misses me, but I feel like I can't go do anything becuase I don't want her crying for ever and only Mom can fix her.

There are days I long to go sit in a classroom and use my brain.

We plan to have 3-4 more kids, so this is my life for the next 15 years AAGGGHHHHHHHH

I wish we lived closer to town, so I could at least take 1 class a semester or so. Dh says I can and even encorages me to, but I don't want to have to drive to town late and night by myself.

I worked so hard to get this degree to stay home. I get very frusterated and feel like I am wasting my brain!

So for the rambling rant, this topic hits very close to home.








s to all


----------



## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

*


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Well this has turned out to be an *unbelievable* thread. My usual M.O. is to try to respond to each poster -- validate their feelings, reflect a little, try to expand on their thoughts -- but in sitting and reading this this morning, I feel like your words are so eloquent and so moving that I would cheapen them by trying to respond. I feel like I could take your thoughts, post them verbatim into a document and publish it as a book.

Reading your stories is like reading about the modern SAHM . . . she's a former hi-powered businesswoman; a musical genius whose instrument is collecting dust; an accomplished and highly educated professional who has CHOSEN to put her career on hold . . . for who knows how long; and a recent high school grad whose whole "career" is yet to be discovered.

To me, this is EXACTLY why motherhood is SO hard and SO complex and SO difficult to describe that no one ever does it justice. We come to it from vastly different places, and yet we share so many of the same feelings. And we're so damn tired and overworked that we rarely have an opportunity to explore our feelings and needs!

I am speechless. And I should leave it that. My attempt to try and summarize our experiences will be woefully inadequate. I guess that's the genius I see in contemporary mother-writers -- somehow they have the creativity and SKILL to put our shared experience into words.

[and yes, Brain, Child is a *fabulous* magazine filled with thought-provoking and hilarious (if not always positive) pieces about modern mothering -- No, I'm not getting kick-backs from them, but you should check it out! www.brainchildmag.com]

Here's what I propose:

1) a "Toot Your Own Horn" thread, where we all come and BRAG BRAG BRAG about how amazing and talented we are -- talents on hold or not -- bc dammit! Don't we need a place where we can be honest about our strengths and gifts?!?! And don't those of us who are afraid of wilting on the vine need to feel good about ourselves?!? And wouldn't it be amazing to learn some life details about our fellow MDCers?!?

Wanna?

and 2) shortly thereafter, a support thread (as suggested above -- I've gotta rush so I can 't go back to see who that was -- sorry!) where we help each other realize some "balance" goals . . . and put them in writing so they start to seem real. I'm sure it's been done here before, but I would love to see the posters on this thread continue this discussion in a positive and maybe even life-changing way!

What thinks ye, Inspiring Goddess Mamas?
























Eleanor


----------



## mosschops (Nov 21, 2003)

oh gosh, I have a day like today where i've yet to brush my hair, wash my face or even step outside (storms) and have spent at least a total of 1 hour staring out of the window pondering my existence and the futility of washing yet another load of nappies, and the things we can't afford 'cause I'm still paying back a student loan for a degree I don't need.... and then I come here and realise I'm not alone...

...and look at that ~ the sun just came out! (for at least a minute...)

Steph


----------



## Lemon Balm (Jan 23, 2002)

Oh mosschops, I'm with you on that one. I haven't even begun to pay back my student loan and am now homeschooling with no income in sight. Sigh! Why did I even get that degree!?

Breathe - great thread.


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Breathe_
I feel like I could take your thoughts, post them verbatim into a document and publish it as a book.

Reading your stories is like reading about the modern SAHM . . . she's a former hi-powered businesswoman; a musical genius whose instrument is collecting dust; an accomplished and highly educated professional who has CHOSEN to put her career on hold . . . for who knows how long; and a recent high school grad whose whole "career" is yet to be discovered.

To me, this is EXACTLY why motherhood is SO hard and SO complex and SO difficult to describe that no one ever does it justice. We come to it from vastly different places, and yet we share so many of the same feelings. And we're so damn tired and overworked that we rarely have an opportunity to explore our feelings and needs!


It's obvious from reading this post of yours, Breathe, that you are in fact a very gifted writer! You managed to put together all the replies in a succinct and wonderful way. DO write that book, okay??









PS - I've decided to mark this thread for the archives. It's a gem!!


----------



## matts_mamamama (Mar 19, 2004)

I just have to say that I know these feelings well! I love love love being a mommy, but I also own my own business and while that is wonderful, it also provides me with much guilt about not being there very often! I go in a few days a week when dh gets home, and a couple others I take my son in with me. When I take him, I'm not really working, just checking in. When I go in by myself, I feel like a version of the person I was before I had a baby: smart, funny, energetic, in control and excited. They say that being a mother changes everything, and I have to agree. I have a hard time some days remembering that I am creative, intelligent and an all around wonderful person! Like when the baby is crying for no reason or doesn't feel well, or just gets bored with his toys or my silly games. But of course, then he smiles and laughs I wonder why I would ever want to leave his side!

My business is a huge accomplishment in my life - I am proud of it and worry about it all the time - it is not only my livelihood, but my link to the "real" pre-baby world.

I think balance is the key to life - some sort of creative/thinking outlet is essential for all people, not just moms! We all need some "me" time, and we all want to feel like we can contribute something to our world in addition to raising a wonderful little person.

I am so thankful that my husband is such a wonderful man and father. I feel totally comfortable taking me time - I can scrapbook, go shopping, or just read a book, knowing that my son is in the best of hands. I have a friend whose husband has a really hard time with fathering their son, and I feel so sorry for her! She works extra hard, and then is getting her MBA as well. We set aside time every month to go to dinner so that we can talk like adults!

Anyway, that's my babbled feelings on the subject! Great topic Breathe


----------



## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

OK, I know this is about SAHMS. And I understand SAHMS have unique challenges.

But I just want to say that working doesn't necessarily alleviate these dilemmas.

I mean, I HATE my job. I feel like I am wasting my potential every minute of every hour I am here.
But I am stuck, because I am the breadwinner. That's not how we planned things, but there it is.
So I hate work, I go home and don't have my all to give DS.. and do absolutely NOTHING for me.

I too wish I could play my flute, write poetry, devote time to my spiritual practices.....

I see where the culture doesn't value SAHMS.. but then it doesn't value mothers, period. And as angry as I am about that.. I sometimes tell myself I need to stop looking outside myself, and my fellow moms for validation. I can't find support for most of the things I do in our culture.
There's plenty of support if you want to mindlessly consume.. but not for much else, kwim?

Anyway, I don't think any mom, SAHM or otherwise, is truly wasting their potential. If you are mindful, if you at least have an inner life and a consciousness and a voice..
We don't have to define ourselves by what we DO.. better to think about who we ARE.


----------



## siddie (Jan 15, 2003)

Back again! Breath thanks for starting this thread. It looks like we needed it. Oceanswimmer, I am an RN also but being a hospital nurse became very frustrating to me with all of the monetary, staffing, and insurance issues. I rarely felt as if I could do my best for my patients because of staffing issues and had hopes of making it to a level where I could help nurses - maybe a vp? I felt very needed working at a county hospital that served the indigent but there were times we ran out of tape and had only one bp cuff for our floor. One of the reasons I went to school to get my ms. I think it's really hard for rn's to break into the upper echelons of hosp admin and I don't understand why a male with a degree in bus. admin who has less experience is the usual choice over a woman with degrees in healthcare and business. Slightly crunchy, I haven't read sequencing but if I only knew then, what I know now, I would have planned and mapped out the whole education, career, mothering scenario. Unfortunately, my body did not cooperate and I had difficulty conceiving for years. I guess in a way it has all worked out. I don't really miss working because I did work for so long and financially we are now secure enough that I can stay home. Because of our biological clock issue, I think even if I did the ideal, bs by age 22, work 2 years and then ms by 26, climb the ladder for 5-6 years and have two children by age 35, it would still leave a huge gap of at least 6 years to get the kids off to a good start. I also think that for me spacing kids at least 4 years apart would allow me to give each child the individual attention they need. I know that when I do go back to work, I don't have it in me to go for the high positions that require 50+ hours per week. I want to pick my ds up from school and be at all of the games and practices. Conference rooms and budget meetings just don't compare!


----------



## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I honestly don't see it as "wasting my potential" as a stay at home mom--because no matter how wonderful my career was before, the days that I am living now are priceless and have taught me more than college and any job ever has. There are some talents that came to me effortlessly, but being a stay at home mom forced me to exercise a muscle in my soul that was very underdeveloped.

It is undeniable that I have had to sacrifice a part of myself to stay at home with my kids, but I now see that as one of my biggest accomplishments in life. I see staying home a contrast in zen like repetitive actions and duties (cooking, cleaning, childcare) mixed with intense moments of self discovery and emotional moments of witnessing the TRUE beauty of life...the love and devotion and connections we make with our children. If I diluted the experience by taking on a carrer at this point, not only would my kids lose out, but I would too. I feel that I have to be *present* in this important task, not distracted or thinking about my next deadline. Because it is all about savoring the small moments...these priceless, never to come again moments that swell your soul and enrich your humaness.


----------



## J-Max (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by asherah_
*
But I just want to say that working doesn't necessarily alleviate these dilemmas.
*
Thanks for posting this. I think sometimes we get the "grass is greener" thinking. Your post made me realize that even if I worked, I may not be fulfilling my potential!

I love staying home and plan to untill my kids aregrown, but we definatly need some plays to voice our feelings. Thanks so much to Breathe for starting this thread.


----------



## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

I have to say when I stepped out onto that looooong limb, I had no idea what a wonderful thread this would become! I am also so impressed that it hasn't digressed into an us vs. them (SAHMs vs. WOHMs... or "here is why life as a SAHM should be fulfiilling in and of itself thank you very much" thread.







)

Thank you Breathe!









I love your thread ideas too, though think this one is doing a great job of the Support one already!


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

I also appreciate the points about no one job meeting all our needs or using all our gifts. On MANY days I have reminded myself that I have *never* had a job that didn't frustrate/bore/anger me at some time, so there's no point romanticizing the working world over being at home.

I guess what I meant to say is that I don't feel like a very well-rounded person right now. And admittedly, maybe I wasn't either in my old jobs, but I have definitely been closer at other times in my life.

I mean, I frequently complain to dh that when we go to social functions with working people (that would be EVERYONE in our life, except my best mama friends), that no one EVER asks me any questions.

So then I think, "What would I like to be asked?" Hmm. "So Eleanor, tell me about how you think the feminist movement affects your feelings toward motherhood?" Right. When you get right down to it, acquaintances and family members (at least ours) never really delve into anything deeper than "How's work?" with *anyone*. The difference is that I *think* everyone ASSUMES that they KNOW what my days are like . . . 'cause it's just babysitting, right?

Either that, or raising children is so common that people think they've BTDT and there's really nothing to discuss.

And when being painfull honest with myself, I realize that I really *don't* have anything else to talk about besides mothering. And that is both WONDERFUL and fulfilling and all I need, and also somewhat shocking and scary.

And that's where the sentiment came from in starting this thread . . . realizing that of all my multiple intelligences, only one (my Motherwit?) is truly being used. But if you'll remember, I also started out by saying that I don't honestly see HOW I could do anything more than I already do. So therein lies the dilemma.

Of course I can bide my time until ds is a little bigger . . . but then do you think that being pg again has anything to do with my returning angst about where I fit into this picture?!?


----------



## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Breathe_
*Of course I can bide my time until ds is a little bigger . . . but then do you think that being pg again has anything to do with my returning angst about where I fit into this picture?!?







*
Yes, I think it probably aggravates those underlying feelings. I know it did for me. I remember having all sorts of new worries/concerns pop up as soon as I found out I was preg w/#2. And I was actively trying to get pregnant, desperately wanted a 2nd child, so there wasn't ambivalence about the pregnancy to blame.

That is a good point, Asherah, about the grass being greener. I was trying to allude to that in one of my posts but you drove the point home much more clearly...thanks! I had that reinforced twice in the last two days. I've had the need to talk to many of my former full-time colleagues at the college where I teach (we are in the middle of final exams right now) and every time I talk to a female colleague, she always asks about my girls and then, usually with a deep sigh, tells me how lucky I am to be able to be home with them. Everytime I talk to a male colleague, they vent about work, about how drained or frustrated they are. I remember those same feelings as a full-time employee. It is a good reminder for me. I KNOW I'm lucky to be home and I truly am grateful. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But when I was told by the college president recently that I should come back full time, that he saw a role for me in the upper tier of the administration, there was part of me that wanted to jump at the opportunity. It was an emotional reaction and I loved having my intellect and professional abilities praised, but if I had to chose today between being a college dean or being here with my girls, there really wouldn't be a choice to make. But I know part of me would mourn the professional loss.

I do hold onto the idea that before long my girls will be in school and I'll have more hours in the day to carve out a new niche for myself. And that's going to happen all too quickly.


----------



## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

"So then I think, "What would I like to be asked?" Hmm. "So Eleanor, tell me about how you think the feminist movement affects your feelings toward motherhood?" Right. When you get right down to it, acquaintances and family members (at least ours) never really delve into anything deeper than "How's work?" with *anyone*."

You know, I think this is just one of those stock phrases that people know is safe for small talk. It's the same with my kids who are homeschooled. People are so used to filling social space with the question "so what are you doing in school?" that they are stymied when they find out you don't do school. They ask not because they are actually interested, and not because it is the only interesting thing to talk about. They ask because they lack the imagination (or courage) to go beyond those stock phrases.


----------



## homebirthx2 (Jan 3, 2004)

I can feel for you. I am happy most of the days to be a SAHM and student, but then there are days where I am watching other women who are going out on the town (work, lunch, shopping, dressing up not casual etc. ) or I talked to friends who I haven't in a long time and find out that they are doing this and that and have so much of this and that because they are working outside the home. I feel like a totally failure and I want to be out doing all that too right then and there. I fight this all the time, you're not alone in this. If you ever wanted to talk at a time you're feeling this way just private e-mail me and talk.


----------



## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

There are tears in my eyes right now- thank you for such an open and honest thread.

The other day a letter came in the mail from my old job, and in it, I found that they had hired someone permanantly to replace me. (No big surprise there, I'vebeen on "indefinite maternity leave" for almost a year, but they hadn't really found someone to take my place...) The person they hired was my biggest rival at our biggest competitor. For some reason, it has really thrown me for a loop- That this person who I had such strong disdain for is now doing what I still consider to be "my job." This thread has just really hit home for me today.

I miss the fulfillment of the pats on the backs and getting a real paycheck every two weeks. I miss having conversations with adults and feeling like I was really having an impact on people's lives. This has been a terribly stressful week, and my two year old is really discovering some very challenging two year old behaviors, and in weeks like this, I definitely over romanticize what it would be like to go back to work and feel like a productive member of society.

Quote:

Reading your stories is like reading about the modern SAHM . . . she's a former hi-powered businesswoman; a musical genius whose instrument is collecting dust; an accomplished and highly educated professional who has CHOSEN to put her career on hold . . . for who knows how long; and a recent high school grad whose whole "career" is yet to be discovered.
I can't even tell you how long it's been since my poor violin has been in to be serviced, and how long it's been since I've played music that wasn't related to what my students were learning. I really, really miss the musical side of me, and although I know the teaching is important, and that my little girls love the endless repetiotions of "You are my Sunshine" and "Twinkle, Twinkle" sometimes I really just miss that aspect of me. It's like there's a whole different side to myself that has been put in storage for awhile- something about me that no one sees because I'm so wrapped up in diapers, nursing, and keeping my house running smoothly. I know I made the choice to do this, and it's not a choice I regret or would cahnge, given the chance. Some days, though, it seems like the mundaneness (it's a word now!) of mothering seems to overwhelm everything creative and beautiful.

Quote:

Here's something I hold on to. When I was studying trumpet with a trumpet goddess in NYC, she told me however long you put the trumpet aside you will always be a trumpet player, and when you come back to it your playing will have grown because you will have grown.
Muse, thank you for this. It rang true in me as a musician, but also relates to everything else I have set aside for motherhood.

But I'm also grateful for this thread because it's reminded me in poignant ways why I chose to do this in the first place, and helped me to make a ocmmittment to really enjoy the choice I've made.


----------



## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

The thing about playing Twinkle Twinkle made me laugh, as it's taken me ages to have that not be the first tune that pops to mind when I pick up an instrument!!! And it made me think about how one of the hardest things about mothering is it never ends, we don't get home at 6pm and put it aside, even if we go off and do our own thing for a couple of hrs it is always ingrained in our psyche. Which is an amazing thing in itself but also overwhelming, and I think we lose some of our private creative emotional self in that.

As someone said above (sorry I've lost tracK), maybe we should hold onto who we ARE rather than what we DO.

I took an Art for Mothers 6 week course with an art therapist when I was struggling a yr ago, and having 2 hrs just to explore my own creative consciousness in a new medium every week was very therapeutic. I thought maybe I'd make things for the walls, for my son, whatever, but I went in there and made a mess, tried new things, laughed, cried, and did it for absolutely noone but myself.

Remembering that and reading this thread is inspiring me to set up something similar using music for local mothers....maybe...hmmm..See, I need that thread where we push and encourage others! Mindfulmom, I love your idea for new threads; definitely!!!


----------



## anniedog (Aug 4, 2002)

Thank you to everyone for openly discussing this! Our ds is 18 months old and it seems like this has been a huge issue for me for the past year. Yesterday, I took a ridiculous online IQ test just to prove to myself that I was still smart. Guess what? I am!!!!

For me, some of the pressure I feel to "use my potential" really comes from what other people view as my potential.

I spent a lot of time and money on school and got pregnant only months after I had graduated and started working. There were a lot of raised eyebrows after our ds was born and I closed my new practice. Frankly, some people around me still don't get how I can "waste" my potential, but the ones that matter see me happier than I have ever been - the potential I had then didn't make me nearly as happy as the potential that exists now.

Who knew I would be able to grow a baby, birth him and raise him with (relative) grace? Who knew I had the ability to love so deeply? Who knew I would be able to read Good Night Gorilla hundreds and hundreds of times and always manage to laugh like I had never read it before? I sure didn't. No one around me did either. I had that potential all along and never knew.

Finding balance and learning new things has been my key. I've learned to knit, bake bread and finally keep my houseplants alive. I've written several little books for my son, taken tons of black and whites of him and learned Illustrator to put them together. I make myself check out books from the library on topics that are new to me. I make myself do all these things to keep things fresh and my brain working.

Somehow I have faith that the old and the new will blend and when it is time I will move forward with more energy and more assuredness than I had before, knowing that I didn't listen to what others had to say or how others thought I should be, but I listened to what I needed and wanted to do, even if it meant being the most overeducated and underemployed mom at the playgound. I see this SAH time as a real chance to explore and open some of those doors I never did becasue I didn't see myself or others didn't see myself that way.

And I don't know about you, but I've realized I have a pretty skewed view of what hard work is - I grew up with a father who worked at least 60 hour weeks and several siblings who currently do the same (a sister who does it with two kids!). My mother raised 4 kids virtually on her own, but I never saw her as "working hard" until my ds was born. But I feel like maybe I am finally get it that getting up every morning and giving my best, my heart and my humanity to my child surely constitutes working hard!

Lots to think about - thanks.


----------



## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Stacymom_
*There are tears in my eyes right now- thank you for such an open and honest thread.

The other day a letter came in the mail from my old job, and in it, I found that they had hired someone permanantly to replace me. (No big surprise there, I'vebeen on "indefinite maternity leave" for almost a year, but they hadn't really found someone to take my place...) The person they hired was my biggest rival at our biggest competitor. For some reason, it has really thrown me for a loop- That this person who I had such strong disdain for is now doing what I still consider to be "my job." This thread has just really hit home for me today.

I miss the fulfillment of the pats on the backs and getting a real paycheck every two weeks. I miss having conversations with adults and feeling like I was really having an impact on people's lives. This has been a terribly stressful week, and my two year old is really discovering some very challenging two year old behaviors, and in weeks like this, I definitely over romanticize what it would be like to go back to work and feel like a productive member of society.

I can't even tell you how long it's been since my poor violin has been in to be serviced, and how long it's been since I've played music that wasn't related to what my students were learning. I really, really miss the musical side of me, and although I know the teaching is important, and that my little girls love the endless repetiotions of "You are my Sunshine" and "Twinkle, Twinkle" sometimes I really just miss that aspect of me. It's like there's a whole different side to myself that has been put in storage for awhile- something about me that no one sees because I'm so wrapped up in diapers, nursing, and keeping my house running smoothly. I know I made the choice to do this, and it's not a choice I regret or would cahnge, given the chance. Some days, though, it seems like the mundaneness (it's a word now!) of mothering seems to overwhelm everything creative and beautiful.

Muse, thank you for this. It rang true in me as a musician, but also relates to everything else I have set aside for motherhood.

But I'm also grateful for this thread because it's reminded me in poignant ways why I chose to do this in the first place, and helped me to make a ocmmittment to really enjoy the choice I've made.*
Stacymom, your post is so evocative of what we all collectively struggle for...and with;
essentially, it seems we want to be all things to all people.
We want to soothe the hurts and re-build the destruction we witness all around us in the world at large. Somehow, knowing there is some corner of the planet that is thriving and peaceful is fulfilling -- and as women, we are called to spread this healing energy as far as possible.
Trouble is, *reality* hits and the baby needs feeding, the two year old is asserting independance, and before you know it, all thoughts of contributing to the 'world at large' gets lost in the mix!
The same goes for musical yearnings....it's such a difficult time balancing the persons we are individually, and the part of us that suddenly 'belongs'-- body and soul -- to a family.
At times like that I wondered what happened to *me* and where *I*went!!??
Oddly enough, what my dad said was too true: before you know it, the kids are grown and you're wondering where they went. You look in the mirror and *surprise* discover a new person looking back....she's different, and yet the same.
I find it so refreshing to see the same issues of concern when I was a young mother 25 years ago!
I too wondered if my brains had taken a holiday.
I too wondered if I'd forget to draw, paint, write, sing, or work my career...!
I want to extend some hope and say you will all find your respective voices because *you* haven't ceased to exist...it feels like it for awhile...I also want to assure you the world will be a better place because you are growing and maturing in ways you never could without the loving committment to your families day in day out.
Someday, when you pick up that pen, the violin, the briefcase, or whatever your tools may be, you will be re-entering the world with a transformed perspective. You will suddenly recognize the people who are chronologically our ages, but who lack depth, compassion, wisdom and patience. You might see the moms who are struggling to juggle the job-and-a-half that working and mothering comprise, and realize these women are doing two jobs and getting paid for one.
Your work, whatever it is will have more depth and more power because you have grown.
Whether it is evident to you or not, doing this work changes you forever, and it's worth every exhausting, wonderful minute of it.

Maybe when you return to the workplace, more options might be available for families besides quiet desperation and double incomes that don't quite stretch far enough...I guess I'm still idealistic to believe this generation of moms has so much creativity and passion to give -- the world can't help but be changed for the better for your dedication and love-in-action.

Sorry to ramble, but I had to give you gals some recognition, and perhaps a glimpse of light


----------



## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

I feel like most of my skills are or will soon be applicable to mothering my children. I'm not a math major or anything. I was an EMT when i got pregnant and lo and behold, I have had to do breathing rescues with my dd. My administrative skills have been used to do birth certificate work and to plan events in dd's life. My artistic skills are used when creating birth imagery. Okay, yeah, I'm not putting out as much as I once did, I admit it. Sometimes I am really sad I can't make art the way I used to. Now I have more time for music though, something that was smothering in my past life. Mostly, I have always love acquiring new skills. I am a chronic student. now, I am a student of the art of mothering. I don't feel like I'm wasting anything even if I am. I've always put old skills on hold while learning new ones. I love my life and feel like this contribution superceeds all my others. Ya know?


----------



## juicylucy (May 20, 2002)

thank you for this thread Breathe- you wrote exactly how I feel so eloquently.

And thank you Ocean-swimmer for that perspective. Yes, I do feel I am growing from being at home with my children. Some days it is too much and I feel like running away, but the older they get, the less I feel this way. Though, as a musician, I do miss my art. And yes, I do sometimes miss the workplace. At those times I remind myself of the quote "Nobody ever spent time on their deathbed wishing they had worked more."


----------



## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Oh, I just had to mention








I thought I knew what the lyrics to Twinkle, Twinkle were about. Then, one day, I caught my (then) six year old singing it to his baby sister: it is about babies!
I've never forgotten that memory or the associations with that song. My son, now grown, was once a little boy who 'saw' his little sister (18 years old now!) as a star....I learnt from my kids how limited my vision was, and how wide it could be, if I remembered to pay attention and be fully present with them.
In all honesty they truly gave me a wonderful motherhood.


----------



## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

There are too many career tracks that you can't take seven years off and return in a serious way and that you can't work part-time in a serious way. I will never get a tenure track position at an higher ed institution (in English lit) if I am a sahm after I finish my degree. In fact, unless I go into higher ed administration (which I don't need a PhD to do), I will at best get a low-paid, low-status appointment as a lecturer (also doesn't require a PhD).

I'll also be 40 when I am ready to re-enter. Ageism and lack of experience/qualifications will work against my entrance into the non-profit or business world. Not impossible, but I'll have to claw my way up (and prob won't make it not terribly far up) at a time in my life when most people are already well-established. It will be an ego-battering endeavor. I will simply never have the kind of career I could have if I didn't stay home with my kids (imagine the difference between entering the workforce in a serious way at 33 rather than 40)

I know very well what I am giving up.

No one, not even the best nanny in the world, will be able to take care of my kids as well as I will be able to. But child rearing will not use the critical thinking and creative skills at the same level that I use them today. I will be wasting a lot of my potential irrevocably, and I feel very frustrated by my lack of choice in the matter

It is not that the work of mothering isn't valued enough by society, it is that we are forced by the nature of professions in this country into choosing career or kids. It is institutional sexism and it won't change because there is no pressure for it to change. There are enough people willing and able to enter these professions permanently full-time when they finish school in their mid-twenties to early thirties.


----------



## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

I hope it is ok that I post this here--OK both legally & OK so as to not damage the spirit of this thread.

MOD, if I am in violation, delete me.

Readers, If I offend, ignore me!

This poem was printed in Mothering within the last year or year and a half. I love it & it makes me cry every time I read it.

*A Woman's Choice*

_It's the small details:
rat's nest in his hair,
holes in her tights,
who is whose friend today at school,
making sure the right combo
of green & orange gets into their mouths,
being there at 3:45
to greet the loudmouth bus driver
& rescue my 5 year old from bumpy sleep.
No pay, long hours, no public recognition
yet in my heart a small voice says
cancel all job interviews
hold that resume in a file waiting, like
my high heels & work suits, in the cupboard,
let my degrees gather dust on the wall.
I want to be there when the first tooth falls,
a quiet rite of passage & mine
to revel in.
It means postponing ego strokes.
It means no time just for me,
but also not being split down the middle
working double shifts.
I can wait for the glory
of a pat on the back & a salaried job.
Right now there's some small things
I must attend to:
this three year old girl in pig-tails,
this fragile boy in the schoolyard._

by Jennifer Boire


----------



## siddie (Jan 15, 2003)

This is truly a wonderful thread, I hope we can keep it going. Reading this reminded me of an old movie with a similar theme called The Turning Point. It stars Shirley McLaine and is about two rival ballerinas, one becomes pg and chooses motherhood, the other goes on to be a professional dancer. I remember watching this with my mom over 20 years ago and she really liked it. I think it struck a note with her as a person who was always a mother. I am going to rent it and watch it again.


----------



## mama de dos (Sep 11, 2003)

Hey El,
It's me, JB! (A and A's mom) As is so often the case, you seem to be sneaking around in my head and reading my thoughts, then expressing them more eloquently than I could hope to these crazy days. Thanks, but it's giving me the creeps already! :LOL

I have SO struggled with this issue and discussed it a million times w/dh only to get nowhere closer to resolution and to find myself still stuck with so many conflicting and confused feelings. I know I still have time to do things when my children are older but I sometimes feel like my brain and talents are molding and like I have to defend/explain myself or convince people I meet that I AM smart and talented, b/c there's no real 'external' confirmation of that right now that I'm not working, iykwim.....

This is one reason I'm exicted (though overwhelmed as we talked about) at the prospect of teaching music classes w/you. It's an opportunity (though still in the 'mom' track somewhat) to use some of my other skills in a professional way. I think that will be good for me in many ways and yet I often wonder how I can fit it in with my current demands of 'just' being a mom.

Aargh. I'm so physically and mentally tired these days I haven't even been able to read all of these amazing posts, much less express all the million things I'm feeling and mulling over. Like I was saying earlier to you about responding to emails, I feel like I sometimes only have the energy and time to read them, but then to formulate and actually write out a meaningful response is just beyond me! And I used to consider myself (and be considered by others!) to be a fairly accomplished and articulate writer/speaker. HA!! Now I feel good if I manage not to come across as mentally deficient in some way. SIGH.









Anyway, I really just wanted to say that as usual you are right on track in being to express something that obviously so many of us are struggling with and that so many of us have longed to have the opportunity to hold up and examine from many different angles. Thanks to all of you for shining light on this difficult part of the amazingly rich and complex job of mothering. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there struggling along.

El, let's talk about this more IRL, huh? I'm so glad to count you among my incredible mama friends!

Yes, to all the rest of you- I actually know Breathe in real life! And she's as wonderful as you think she is!









Aren't you all jealous??









Peace and hugs to all of you doing this incredibly important work and thanks for sharing so honestly and eloquently. I learn and grow so much from all of you.

J


----------



## Britt (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mamawanabe_
*It is not that the work of mothering isn't valued enough by society, it is that we are forced by the nature of professions in this country into choosing career or kids. It is institutional sexism and it won't change because there is no pressure for it to change. There are enough people willing and able to enter these professions permanently full-time when they finish school in their mid-twenties to early thirties.*

Excellent point. I recently moved back to the US from Sweden, and have been struggling with the shift back to a model that generally requires one parent to be the primary caregiver. I can't tell you how much harder my life is here in the US. It's not good for my kids that dh and I aren't able to share parenting and work, and it's not good for us either. Hell, it's not good for society--the fact that so few women end up in decision-making positions means that women's voices have little power to chart a course for society. On a personal level, my potential clearly is being lost when I don't have fifteen minutes in a day to think clearly, much less work. And dh, still a very involved father, can't be anything like the full partner in our children's lives that he was in Sweden.

I want the best for my children, and in my experience they get the best of me and the best of dh when we are both caring for them as well as doing something else. In Sweden it helped that society was incredibly respectful of children, so we weren't having to protect our children from society. (The fact that 50% of the positions in national government were filled by women certainly played a role in the amount of support the society provided.)

Dh and I are working toward creating balance here in the US, but it's hard, and if we hadn't had a very balanced relationship in Sweden, I don't think we'd have had a clue how (much less the motivation) to make balance an attainable goal. As it is, it's going, but it's slow going, and dh and I feel like we're fighting the system here every step of the way. It makes me feel so tired....


----------



## Ocean_Swimmer (Feb 17, 2003)

Hi mamawanabe,
You make some great points about the bias our workplaces have against individuals who take the time away from the business world to raise children. This is why it's so important to re-enter the workplace and be an advocate for change.
I don't see how it will happen any other way: how can those judgemental future colleagues believe you've been doing anything less important than they?
Pass you over for a promotion? Why?
Technical expertise is a dime a dozen...unless companies are hiring trained monkeys (and believe me, there are days I wonder!) -- the most valuable individual in the workplace is someone with a strong background in child-rearing!

I was 39 when I re-entered the workplace. I also worried about keeping up with younger folks on the job, my gray hairs, my doubts that I could resume my job with the same zest and enthusiasm I had at 25 or 26.

It wasn't easy but I did it. Truth is, I gained far more than I thought I lost, including a sense of humor








On my first day, one of my colleagues asked how it felt to be among adults all day.
I told him at least at home everyone acts age-appropriately!
We had a good laugh.
We are so much more than our jobs







and isn't it wonderful.

My post is meant to reassure you it's worth it!

Hugs, Ocean_Swimmer


----------



## dancingmama (Dec 18, 2001)

Wow, I think this is probably the best thread I've read on MDC! Thank you mamas -- it has been refreshing and illuminating and reassuring to read such honest, heart-felt, well-thought out posts.

I work part time out of the home -- 2.5 days/week. And I must admit, I feel it is a GREAT balance for me and my family. I have a career that I worked hard for and am good at, and which contributes to the world and pays well. I'm also lucky enough to be in a profession that can accomodate p/t work easily. And still I feel like I am home enough to feel like a SAHM too. I too have the struggles and joys of being home all day with dd.

Most of the time, I feel that I have the best of both worlds. But at other times, I too find the grass greener. Just today I was thinking "well, if I were a SAHM full-time, I'd be willing to take dd to the YMCA daycare for an hour so I could exercise and be physical. Or trade a few hours a week of childcare with a friend so I could dance more, or take a painting class. I feel like I am losing part of me here, not fully realizing all of me." But I don't feel I can do these things now because I'd hate my sole "outing" of the day with dd to be to drop her off with someone else, when I'm already out of the house 2.5 days per week!

But the truth is, mothering does take sacrifice. Something has to "give." And when I think about it, I'm really happy with the balance we have. I sooooooo agree with a previous poster about being a SAHM in our current culture -- relatively isolated, without the bustle of family and walking to market and tending chores in the same way as it has been in the past, and remains in other places. I wonder if our culture were different, if we'd feel less isolated, more supported, more validated, and ultimately happier and more fulfilled on a daily basis being SAHMs.


----------



## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

This thread has been on my mind all weekend long. Thanks you ladies, for your warmth, candor and wisdom! I really feel energized and uplifted by reading of others' experiences that are so close to my own, and knowing that there are others who have felt the same frustrations somehow makes them seem easier.

I was thinking about what I said earlier, about my old job hiring someone to replace me, and how that had really thrown me for a loop. Well, as I was nursing my little one this weekend, I realized that I was glad that I was replaceable there, because I knew that I could never be replaced at home. My younger dd is just getting to the stage where she is very aware of all the different people around her, and all she wants is Mommy. Tiring and frustrating sometimes, yes, but also gatifying to know that she is so secure with me, and loves and literally needs me in that way. And my 2 1/2 year old came running in the kitchen today with her first pair of skinned knees this season (thank goodness for spring!) and I kissed them better and we spent a few minutes in the rocking chair, and I knew that there was no one else who could do this like I could. Before I had my first baby, my boss was really desparate to keep me working full time. He told me I could bring her to work with me as long as I wanted, and he let me pick the hours. It worked out okay for about six or seven months- I worked about twenty or so hours a week, but then she started getting too old to want to be in the sling for hours on end. He really offered up a lot of different suggestions, trying to get me to stay, including offering to open up an on-site daycare for Abby, and paying for it out of my dept budget. It was tempting, because I knew I could keep nursing her, and see her severla times a day, but one night I was thinking about it, and realized that I still wouldn't be there all the times I wanted to be. Someone else would be reading her stories, someone else would be picking her up and kissing away her hurts, and I just couldn't give those moments away to anyone else. When it comes down to it, yes, my potential as a career woman and a mother is being wasted by soothing skinned knees, singing lullabies, and spending countless hours in the rocking chair. But, I was lucky enough to be able to make that choice, and although there may be people who can be better at my job than I was, there is no one who can mother my kids like I do!

(I hope this isn't seen as a slam against moms that do work, choose to work, or have to work, it's just my thoughts and experiences.)


----------



## LiminalOne (Mar 1, 2002)

Count me in as another person swimming in these same thoughts (inspired partially by the recent Brain, Child article).

I'm trying to decide (still, Breathe!) if I should finish my PhD or just let it go. I've invested so much to get where I am (I'm not even going to tell you how many years), but I'm not sure that's the way to think about it.

One of the things I've gained from mothering is a much greater awareness of what types of work give me energy (community organizing, political agitating) and what saps it (too many shoulds, my dissertation?). I've been trying to think about what feeds me and focus on doing those things in my free time. We need to feed our souls in order to be able to feed the souls of our family and friends. I often have to think twice about it what feeds me (ah ha, mindfulness), b/c often what I think will feed me (baking cookies with ds) doesn't; it's more of a should. I'm working on peeling those shoulds away one by one.

I think that it's important to focus on the whole sum of my experience as helping shape who I am and thus, valuable, even if sometimes it takes me a long time to hear the message that I'm not really interested in what I got my BA in or my PhD. It's still learning and that self-awareness is priceless considering some folks never get there.

Nice to have so many soul sisters on the same road, carving out meaningful lives for ourselves with whatever we can find lying around.

Angie

PS - And I agree that the institutional factors (sexism, ageism, and the structure of work as full-time) in the US really make it difficult to find balance. But I'm also amazed at how creative we all are in our efforts to find it. The Equinox is the perfect time to think about the issue of balance...


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Hey LiminalOne, My immediate reaction was to say, "Don't you quit now!!!" But I hear what you're saying about needing to find an authentic reason to continue. Or not. It's a tough road, and one I remember SO well! PM me if you wanna talk about it more. Hugs to you!

I think what I love about this thread has been our ability to support each other in our mixed emotions regarding motherhood. I almost said ambivalence, but it doesn't really sound to me like anyone is ambivalent about being a SAHM, or a P/T SAHM, etc -- we have said *repeatedly* that we KNOW we've chosen the right combination for our children.

And I believe that we all feel inner peace about our choices, most of the time. But we do have our moments of doubt . . . like the one I had when I started this thread.

But it is possible -- in fact LIKELY? -- that we can feel comfortable in our choices and yet uncomfortable with some of the consequences? And if there's anything I've learned about motherhood, it's that people often want to paint it, or our experience of it, as "either/or". Either you're happy being at home, or you're not. Either you're in the moment, smelling your child's hair and getting playdough happily stuck under your fingernails, or you're not. And the implication seems to be that if you have moments when you're wishing for more -- or even just *wondering* about more -- then you're not truly "in the moment" of motherhood.

And you all are smart enough -- critical enough in your thinking -- to realize that this is just not necessarily the case. I can love catching my son at the bottom of the tunnel slide AND STILL wish that I were playing my piano more. I can feel pure bliss when he falls asleep on my shoulder AND STILL believe that the public schools are worse off bc I'm no longer there teaching kindergarten (and feel a little guilty about it).

Isn't it a sign of intelligence when you can assimilate dichotomous ideas? Let's say it is, and I believe this has been an incredibly intelligent thread for that reason.

And so I thank all of you, once again, for helping to bring this to light for me.

Hoping you're all feeling peace today, and if not, hoping it will return tomorrow!

El


----------



## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Oh mama! LiminalOne, your post makes so much sense to me. Should I finish my art history degree? Should I try out midwifery school? Should I just stay at home and happily do nothing at all?!? Sometimes I even wonder if I should really follow what makes me happiest or what my family needs.

It's hard to find those interests that you follow for genuine love (though for me mothering is definitely one of 'em). I used to think that doing something like writing a dissertation would be really hard, perhaps impossible, but I realize now from watching DH do it that though it is of course hard, that love and interest lead research and that it all spills out from an initial question pretty naturally.

And Breathe, doesn't every choice have consequences? Aren't we always pretty much unhappy about something? Or maybe not unhappy, per se, but at least not particularly thrilled? Sometimes I don't like making dinner just because it means dishes to wash! I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I hadn't married DH. Where would I be? Sometimes I'm just totally surprised by where I am. And of course I always always wonder where it is I am going. Mostly I try to be mindful and just follow where my feet take me. At times I realize that my path is already written, not for me by something else, but by my own hands through every choice I am going to make. That's destiny in my mind - something that springs forth from inside me; the writing of my life by my being. I see it in my son - he was born with a temperment and a personality and it will color who he is and where he goes.

Oh thank you everyone.


----------



## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

I haven't read all the replys but needed to just say THANK YOU for having to courage to write this thread! I feel EXACLTY the same way...and will elaborate more when I don't have a crying toddler to attend to.....


----------



## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

Ok, I know it has only been a few days - but PLEASE don't let this thread die.....I just got the chance to read all the posts and my mind is just a jumble full of questions and thoughts.

I LOVE the idea of a support thread of some sort and hope that something can come of it.....


----------



## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

Graceoc, please ask those questions! I'm sure you'll get some replies. I've been meaning to compose a new post for days and just haven't had a chance to do it yet. I've been thinking a lot about different needs/personality types and how that might affect our perceptions of ourselves as SAHMs. I'll try to get it down on paper tonight...


----------



## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

I hope you understand why I'm putting this here but I failed my test yesterday and I'm feeling like I haven't been successful at anything. This was the only thing I had outside the home and I freaking *failed* and I'm feeling depressed. My dh doesn't understand, he called me a baby (can you believe it someone at my age being called a baby and actually getting hurt by it?!) But I really don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been a mom and nothing else my entire adult life and I think I'm really having a lot of trouble dealing with the feelings that I'm middle aged and have nothing (not even a good test) to show for the effort.

Sorry this is depressing but I thought some of you might understand.

DB


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Hey Debra, I'm so sorry. That must be really disappointing and discouraging. How brave of you to put yourself out there, though. I know that dh and I both have had some shocking professional setbacks, and it is always hard to take, but I imagine it's especially so when you feel like your options are limited. Hang in there and allow yourself to mope for a while, kay? You'll regroup and figure out what to do next, but not until you've wallowed a bit! HUGS to you! E.


----------



## mcimom (Jun 8, 2002)

Haven't read through everything, but I posted this awhile back and it sums up my reaction to my own friends who have expressed similar feelings to yours.

Quote:

Found this in my "Holiness for Housewives" book - doesn't matter if you are religious or not though (or what religion for that matter) - this applies to all of us.

"&#8230;I cannot, with the utmost energy of imagination, conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called DRUDGERY&#8230;the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If DRUDGERY only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home - as a man might drudge&#8230;But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is TRIFLING, colorless and of small import to the soul, then, as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, books, cakes and boots; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology and hygiene, I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's (read SAHM) function is laborious; but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness." From GK Chesterton, "What's Wrong with the World" - 1927, p 165.

We are not MINUTE - what we do is not merely DRUDGERY - it is certainly not TRIFLING (watching soaps and eating bon bons - anyone?)

You are EVERYTHING to your child(ren). You are QUEEN and ARISTOTLE and COUNTLESS OTHER THINGS to them even when you have locked yourself in the bathroom and are half crying/half yelling at them to just leave you alone for five freaking seconds already!

No one else going to WORK or their CAREER or their JOB every day is making a difference the way you are. NO ONE - I DON'T CARE WHO THEY ARE! You cannot pay anyone, any sum of money, to be your kid's mom like you are. It doesn't matter one damn if you are PERFECT at it. Besides, you think anyone going to "work" is doing their job 100% 24/7? Please! Doctors lose patients. Lawyers lose arguments. Accountants miss numbers. Fill in the blank with the career of choice that makes you tingle with it's PRESTIGE.

That's all you're missing ladies. PRESTIGE. Stay-at-home-mom conjures up PRESTIGE for few except those that might say "Oh, that means they have money and don't HAVE to work, how nice!" (Blech. I really doubt one SAHM here is not making a financial sacrifice to be home. I really doubt one SAHM here couldn't have more things, take more trips, drive a nicer car, live in a nicer neighborhood and then complain that they HAVE to work if being a SAHM wasn't so important to them and they didn't realize the VALUE it will bring to their children's lives. - I know, I know there are single mothers out there, I'm not talking about them! How sad that this blessing has been ripped away from them!) Anyway, back to my rant&#8230;

You might not have had to get a degree to get your position as mom, but that doesn't make you uneducated or worse - wasting your education! Heaven forbid!

You are missing APPRECIATION and PAY and PRESTIGE, ladies. Well, I can't pay you, but I do APPRECIATE you and I do think of your position as the MOST PRESTIGIOUS ON EARTH. I do! Grab your kids and give yourself a freaking hug already! You think anyone else gets to hug their "boss" on a regular basis? When they're having a bad day? You think anyone else going to "work" gets a little relief now and then by watching their "boss" do or say something SO CUTE that tears well up in their eyes? Forget it sisters, we are BLESSED and WE WORK HARDER than anyone else on earth and our work is MORE IMPORTANT, so there!

Okay, off my and back to your regularly scheduled programming&#8230;


----------



## mcimom (Jun 8, 2002)

Just another post to add that I believe a SAHM can "have it all" - you just can't have it all - all at once! kwim?







If it's important to you (and you're lucky enough to be healthy and live to ripe old age







), you can have a career, be a "mom", play an instrument, be an activist, etc. etc. - we just can't do it all at once!

I don't think "society" necessarily says we have to be "supermom" but b/c we live in an enviornment of immediate gratification, we put that pressure on ourselves to do everything and be everything all at once! "Turn, turn, turn, to everything, there is a season" - yes? Of course there are sacrifices in every decision b/c you can't do everything and be everything you are all the time.

That has been the key to balance in my own life experience. I'm a forward thinker by nature. I tend to be constantly thinking ahead and I need to be more "in the moment" - that is indeed where the joy is (if not the happiness). Other people live in the past - what if? what if? Of course I have memories that make me







but it's when I'm most depressed that I find myself focusing on the past. When I have true JOY - I am in the moment. And at the moment,

I'm a mother.

Completely fulfilled... if not completely happy and living up to my "full potential" at every given moment... kwim? And Breathe - though I hate the title - what an awesome THREAD! And I completely agree on the dichotomy thing. It's hard to wrap your mind around it, but







yes, that's it!


----------



## siddie (Jan 15, 2003)

OH, that I could be as eloquent and philosophical as you all are! I visited family for 10 days where there are a lot of stressors for me (sibling issues, selfish niece, traveling, traffic, weather, aging parents with health issues) and noticed a constant tension in my shoulders and neck. I haven't felt that since working fulltime when it was almost a constant.

Magically, it disappeared when we got off the plane in Hawaii! For me, that validated my choice to stay home with my son.

"I've been a mom and nothing else my entire adult life and I think I'm really having a lot of trouble dealing with the feelings that I'm middle aged and have nothing (not even a good test) to show for the effort."
originally posted by Debrabaker

You have a wonderful family to show for it!

If it is any consolation, I think that women who realize late in life that they missed having children feel worse...


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by DebraBaker_
*This was the only thing I had outside the home and I freaking *failed* and I'm feeling depressed.*
Wow. Just this past Saturday my dearest friend here in Cleveland, mom to 2 girls (2 and 5) failed an exam for the second time. She studied so hard, but you have to see this woman's life to believe it. She works from 6 pm to 2:30 am four nights a week, gets up at 7 am with her girls and is a mom to them all day, running the older one to school, she's a clean-a-holic always doing housework, and she cooks wonderful homemade meals every single day for her family. She gets no help from anybody. Her DH shares child care duties willingly, but nothing else and scoffs at the idea of a cleaning lady.

She was devastated and basically said *exactly* what you did. She thinks she's a failure, that her life has passed her by with nothing, and that she is not good at anything. She called me in tears and my heart ached for her. Anyways, I suppose this is totally off-topic but my heart went out to you, DB.


----------



## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

Thanks for understanding. I'm feeling a lot better now and realize that there is more even testingwise in this life than the test itself....I'm developing my character and I wouldn't likely be able to do this well if I *passed* all the time.

I just get frustrated I try to make my old body do something and, heck, it just doesn't cooperate with me. I'm going to school in the fall and I'm really worried I will bomb in school as well.

Sigh.

Debra Baker


----------



## dallaschildren (Jun 14, 2003)

I am excited at the prospect that my children will be in this world with all of your kids.
Most times I feel like I've got plenty of time to catch up, but there are times when I feel like a "waste" and always like I should be doing more, KWIM?
I guess when we were working, we got "validation" with a paycheck, or a title.....and I don't ever think (at least not for awhile ) my DS's could exactly articulate how much we are needed or loved or appreciated with words but those little kisses, smiles, and hugs say it all for me.
And for all SAHM's, I propose a tax credit for staying home!


----------



## KiwiZ (Apr 4, 2004)

Whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM, no potential is wasted! Its the hardest most important job in the world IMO. I've heard other peoples comments like "you're wasting your degree" and "you're not really working, its a 'baby vacation'", etc.

Those comments used to hurt my feelings, but I know now that they just didn't know what they were talking about, or maybe felt insecure and wanted to put me down to feel better about themselves. On my death bed, I know I will have absolutely no regrets over being a SAHM mom.


----------



## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

I really agree with the direction this thread has taken recently, and believe me I love reading confirmation that we ARE indeed making the right choices in the long run. As I posted before, I WOH 14 hours a week, which is what I need to work to do things the way dh and I want to do them (put simply), but is hardly allowing us to "live large" like before, and frankly feels like a hell of a sacrifice to have my once hefty salary slashed like that practically overnight. (So when's that shameless boasting thread starting up?! LOL














) And I do completely agree that it's for "all the right reasons" and that raising two (or more?!) amazing children is the best thing I could ever hope to do with my life...

BUT...

..I still do sort of agree with the original sentiments many moms including me felt whereby we feel we ARE wasting our degree or our gifts/talents/skills, kwim? And we're really pissed off about it!









Getting down to the nitty gritty, a big part of me thinks the idea that you have to go to a 4-yr college or graduate school in order to be a good mother is ridiculous at best and downright dangerous at worst. Are we saying that women prior to the 1960's (when women attending 4-yr colleges started spiking) were all bad mothers?? Are we saying poor women who can't afford to go to college are bad mothers?? Of course not, since isn't that pretty much counterintuitive to what it means to be AP in the first place? (e.g., getting back to our natural mothering instincts and roots, for lack of a better word)

So I think that when someone like my mother, who put herself through college and then graduate school as a single mom, broke all gender barriers in her particular career/position, so that she could afford to give her daughter access to education and a successful career... when someone like my mother asks, in all earnest curiousity, "What was the point of your degree if you were just going to stay at home?"... well, I think as much as I hate to admit it, that they just might have something there.

It is very hard for me at least to reconcile my own desire to maximize the amount of time I spend with my amazing kids and live out my values, with the sneaking suspicion that those baby-booming mothers and grandmothers who are mouthing off about how our generation is singlehandedly unravelling modern feminism, are right.

Anyone else feeling pulled in both directions?


----------



## momto3g3b (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:

I've been a mom and nothing else my entire adult life and I think I'm really having a lot of trouble dealing with the feelings that I'm middle aged and have nothing (not even a good test) to show for the effort.
DB, this is me, too. I know, I know, I have 6 beautiful children and a loving husband and





















. I'm not dismissing the value of my children or husband. They're incredibly important, obviously. But having them in my life doesn't take away the feeling that I have done NOTHING with my life. I haven't accomplished any of the goals I set for myself and I think that is what makes me feel fairly worthless. I know that being a mom is an important job ~ I do ~ but I always wanted to be more than just a mother (no offense intended by that statement), so I feel I've failed.

Sure, I'm a mom. But am I a good one? I don't really think so. To be honest, I yell too much and criticize too much. I'm not nearly as patient as I need to be....not nearly as understanding as they deserve. I WANT to be so much better for my kids, and some days I DO succeed at being the type of mom I want to be. But more often than not, I don't. And then, on those days when I'm having a particularly difficult time, I wonder........when they're all grown and gone, are they going to LIKE me? I mean it ~ my mom and I have zero relationship because even though I love her, I don't like her at all. What if I give up 30+ years of my life for these children and when all is said and done, they don't want to have anything to do with me?

And since we're all being *totally* honest, I'll confess something else....I don't really like being a SAHM. But I don't really want to go work full-time, either. Not because I wouldn't like to have a job, because the thought of doing something I enjoy AND getting paid to do it is appealing. No, the reason I don't go get a job (aside from the fact that I have no marketable job skills now) is because I believe my being a SAHM is the best thing for my kids and because I don't trust anyone else to do it. I also believe that God blessed me with 6 children for a reason and one day I am going to have to give an accounting for how I lived my life ~ and how I raised the children given to me ~ and I don't want to be ashamed by having to say that I cared more about myself and what I wanted than I did them. So.....I stay at home and I raise my children.....and I AM able to find enjoyment in my job most days, but I also struggle against my extremely selfish nature that says, "What about me? When do I get my turn?" I can't look toward the future, when I am 52 and my youngest is 18, as the time when I'll be "free" to pursue my own interests, either. I have 2 special-needs children and I may still have one living at home when the youngest leaves. There's no way for me to predict whether my son will be able to live independently, so I can't plan for a future where my time is my own.

Like so many others have said already, I, too, have interests and talents and skills that aren't being used. I sometimes wonder why God gave me the talent and ability to DO something if I wasn't ever going to use it, kwim? It just creates frustration and resentment within me to WANT to do something and to know I can't......and to not see a time where I ever will. Sigh.......when I look back on my life thus far, I see many forks in the road ~ places where I had to make a choice and go forward in one direction and not the other. I made my choices, thinking I was doing the right things, but now I don't know anymore. I realize I have to live with the choices I've made, but I also wonder if I'd be happier NOW had I made different choices back THEN, kwim?

Anyhow, I'll shut up now. I don't even know if I stayed on-topic enough to post this, but I'm going to click "submit", anyhow. Thanks for putting up with me!







ag


----------



## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Wow. The sheer volume of replies to this thread show what an important issue this is for many mothers.

Kate, your post had a very spiritual undercurrent to it . . . you refer to God' gifts and blessings to you several times and it got me wondering what a strictly spiritual approach to this dilemma might teach us. I am not a practiving anything, but was raised in a protestant church and something about your post reminded me of messages saying that it is in fact a sin to fail to use your gifts. I personally do not jive with the whole sin concept, but I do wonder if some spiritual reflection (or whatever each of us does in our private, thoughtful time) might shed some light on how to ensure that we ARE using our gifts. For instance, what would a Zen Buddist say? Anyone want to take a stab at that? Other perspectives?

On this end, I have had a pretty important epiphany about my own gifts and how to use them (inslead of losing them!). A dear friend (also a SAHM and an AP one at that) and I have been debating for months whether or not to go into business together, and just this weekend we both admitted that our hearts were truly not in it. We both know of some places where our passions do lie and yet are not being explored (for me, becoming a yoga teacher, for her, becoming a doula), and we have vowed to support in each other in persuing these areas . . . at least *thinking* about them.

In the meantime, I have decided to apply some of the energy (and $$) I thought I was willing to invest in a new business venture into my mothering. In a spurt of high energy and clear thinking this a.m. (during insomnia, if you believe that!), I realized that many of my gifts which are buried right now can be unburied and used daily with my son . . . it will take creativity and LOADS of work, but I have a vision of how to do it. And I'm going to approach it like a project. And dh even agrees that it is well worth spending money, if needed. And talk about a win-win situation! I get to be creative, and musical, and artistic, and athletic, and possible even a leader in my small community, and my son is main beneficiary! YES! Now that feels like something I can work hard for.

And I better hurry, before Baby #2 arrives and it all starts all over again! (but I have a plan for then, too!)

It's amazing what getting out of that first trimester has done for my spirit! Phew!


----------



## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

> Anyone else feeling pulled in both directions?[end quote]
> 
> Yes - a bit. And I'm sort of surprised by that. I've been following this thread with interest...but didn't think I had much to contribute. I've really been loving the SAHM stuff. I find learning about parenting to be stimulating and fun. And I was getting tired of work and performance pressure. (I'm an older mom so have a fair number of years of working already under my belt).
> 
> ...


----------



## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by momto3g3b_
*I can't look toward the future, when I am 52 and my youngest is 18, as the time when I'll be "free" to pursue my own interests, either. I have 2 special-needs children and I may still have one living at home when the youngest leaves. There's no way for me to predict whether my son will be able to live independently, so I can't plan for a future where my time is my own.
*
Wow, you have such a uniquely challenging situation momto3g3b, I don't think you can rightly refer to yourself as "selfish" at all!


----------



## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Breathe_
*I personally do not jive with the whole sin concept, but I do wonder if some spiritual reflection (or whatever each of us does in our private, thoughtful time) might shed some light on how to ensure that we ARE using our gifts. For instance, what would a Zen Buddist say? Anyone want to take a stab at that? Other perspectives?

*
Buddhism would say that we need to practice being in the present moment. To be fully engaged and mindful of what we are doing at any moment, wether that be nursing, cleaning, cooking...Buddhism would also say the motherhood is a great opportunity in life to practice compassion and egolessness. I have been practicing Buddhism for a number of yrs but it wasn't till becoming a mother that I truly understood either of those concepts. But the important thing is also to be compassionate towards ourselves; we cannot give give give all day long to a small child without also taking care of ourself and our basic needs first.

I actually believe that for me playing music IS a need, and is connected with my spiritual practice. If I can play 10 minutes a day, as well as practicing some meditation and yoga a few times a week then I can be in the present moment with my son so much better. He benefits, I benefit, and hopefully in some way the whole world benefits.









There is a Chinese saying; If you neglect your art for one day it will neglect you for three. I believe it is crucial we stay connected to our "arts" even on the smallest level. I have been trying to be more creative in my days with my son, really enjoying cooking new meals, doing art, and last week I sawed up some blocks from a tree branch. It felt much more inspiring than standing around in yet another parent toddler group and I felt more like myself. I have to remind myself there is no "fixed" way for how to be a SAHM and I CAN still be myself and do interesting things.

Breathe, I am dying to hear about your new project!!! Tell us more !


----------



## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

What a great topic of conversation, I'm so glad you brought it up and that so many have posted their feelings and perspectives. I have three boys - two of which are older 14 and 10 and one 16 month old. With my first two I had no choice but to have to work full time from the time they turned three months old.

I have a very good job and have established myself as a leader in my field. I got remarried a few years ago however and we decided to try for our own child - my third boy. Since I've had him I've been working a modified schedule - three full days a week. I am lucky in that DH's schedule allows him to stay home the days that I am working and vice versa. At first I thought it was great that I could still go to work part time and keep good money coming in and have that adult connection on a part time basis.

However we've recently decided to downsize to a smaller house and I'm going to quit my job and become a SAHM. My main reasons for this are...

- When I work I like to do a really good job however working part time I feel like I'm doing a half *ssed job at work and a half *ssed job of being a parent! Trying to juggle both is just way too much for me.

- Two weeks ago I had to go to my oldest son's high school orientation to prepare him for next September. That was SCARY! I could swear that just yesterday he was learning how to walk. Kids grow way too fast and having had to work all those years I feel like I missed so much time with them. I want to be home for all my kids - I think it might even be more important for me to be home now for my older two then it is for my youngest.

I don't feel like my talents will be wasted - I feel like I'm wasting my mothering talents when I'm at work!


----------



## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by HelloKitty_
[- Two weeks ago I had to go to my oldest son's high school orientation to prepare him for next September. That was SCARY! I could swear that just yesterday he was learning how to walk. Kids grow way too fast and having had to work all those years I feel like I missed so much time with them. I want to be home for all my kids - I think it might even be more important for me to be home now for my older two then it is for my youngest.

[/B]
You know - this is interesting. Somehow I always thought that once my kids were old enough (in school...whenever we decide that will be) that I could go back to work. But last year a colleague of mine quite work so she could be home for her 2 high-school age boys. We talked about it and her thoughts were that yes - they needed her home when little. When they got to grade school, she went to work and thought it was fine. But once they got to be teenagers, she thought they needed her more available again. Interesting. And it makes some sense. And for me, a new way to look at things.

J


----------



## lunchbox (May 14, 2003)

I haven't read the other replies, but how about LLL leadership or Girl Scout leader?


----------

