# Help! My mil wants to take my kids for a weekend 2 hours away



## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Ok, now when I say kids I mean my two year old twins. And when I say mil I really mean UA Violation.

She lives two hours away. She has offered to come and pick them up, drive them back to her house and keep them for two nights and will then "return" them. She says after two days of them she may not want them back until after they're 18 (haha







) but I should know that she'll take good care of them.








Now,
#1 I am not comfortable w/ anyone driving my toddlers that far
#2 I am not comfortable w/ them staying that far away at this age for two nights. We do overnights but only locally and only one night
#3 Mil's house is not child proofed
#4 She has admitted she's addicted to RX drugs
#5 She's in favor of spanking and has done so after I told her not to
#6 When they were babies and she would watch them she would frequently "forget" to feed them...for like 6 hours
#7 She does not respect my gentle discipline or the way we eat, although to be fair she did offer to have whatever food I would like them to eat available if I provide her w/ a list
#8 She threatened legal action for grandparent visitation rights after we ceased speaking because she hacked into my email...even though we never said she couldn't see the boys.

So obviously them going is out of the question, but here's my problem. Mil will freak out, throw a tantrum, cry that we don't love her, say we're trying to keep her grandkids from her, threaten, curse, spit, the whole nine yards if I don't let them go. She's manipulative and narcissistic and comes from a background of emotional abuse, and has shown these emotionally abusive tendencies around the boys already (calling them spoiled to their faces, favoring one over the other, not responding to crying, etc). So she'll do anything to make me the bad guy in this. We've had problems in the past so I'm sure she'll think that I'm saying no just to be spiteful.

What the heck am I going to do? Dh is not home yet so we haven't been able to talk about it, but I'm almost positive that he will be up for this and I'm afraid I'll be the bad guy in his eyes too. I'd be glad to compromise and tell her to come here over night and we can go away someplace close but no way in he!! am I letting her take my kids.

Ok, if you feel like leaving some advice after reading all this, I would so appreciate it!


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

"MIL, I'm not ready to have my babies go with you at this point. Maybe we can revisit it next year. Thanks for understanding."

If she persists, just keep repeating "I'm not ready." She can't really object to that or reason you out of it. If she asks why? "I'm not ready." But why? "Because I'm not. Thank you for understanding, would you like to talk to your son? I have to go start dinner/run to the store/help a friend/etc."

If you can't get her off the phone, and have a cell phone, call yourself so that your phone beeps and tell her it is your friend who is having some medical emergency and you have to help her.


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

I would never do it. Period. If she wants to sue for grandparent's visitation, let her. You're not denying her visitation, you're just not agreeing to this visitation. From what you've described, it sounds like you're fine with her coming to see the kids at your house. The reasons you've described for being uncomfortable are completely legit. If you don't feel comfortable telling her all of this, then just say you aren't comfortable with her suggestion and leave it at that. It took me too long to learn that by debating something you make it _debatable_. You're the mom. It's your responsibility to protect your kids. Whenever I'm in doubt I ask myself, "How would I feel if I didn't follow my instincts on this and something bad happened?" After that it's usually easy for me to decide.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

"Sorry, MIL, but the boys are too young for that. Would you like to come for an overnight visit or would you rather drive down in the morning and back up in the evening? What date works best for you?"


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

The only thing that makes this difficult is your DH. Its easy to tell MIL "no thank you" as others have suggested. And if she wants to act like an over-tired toddler over it, treat her like you would said over-tired toddler. But if your DH is going to want you to do this, then it gets harder. I assume that they don't still nurse or co-sleep? That would make a reasonable excuse for any DH, I think. While I don't think you owe her any conversation beyond no, I think you have to be willing to sit down with him and explain / reason / get his buy-in if possible.

How does he feel about the issues you outline? If he disagrees with her as well, this should be relatively easy. If he agrees with her and not with you, then you have a larger issue and this probably goes down to the parents as partners section!


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

This is too easy!

Quote:

#4 She has admitted she's addicted to RX drugs
"MIL if you ever want to be left alone with my kids, go to rehab. We'll start with that. KTHXBI."


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Oh and grandparents "rights" are almost non-existant in an intact family (ie no one is dead or divorced) to start with, but throw in that MIL is a pill-popper and I seriously think she'd be laughed out of court if she even tried it. Let her huff and puff, it's going nowhere.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

"Oh, that's such a sweet offer!







But the kids just aren't ready for that right now. Let's figure out something else fun to do!"

-Angela


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## BoringTales (Aug 1, 2006)

I don't think you are under any obligation to let them do that. I wouldn't want to either even under ideal circumstances...

but...

Quote:

She's manipulative and narcissistic and comes from a background of emotional abuse, and has shown these emotionally abusive tendencies around the boys already (calling them spoiled to their faces, favoring one over the other, *not responding to crying*, etc)
Not resonding to crying now equates to emotional abuse??


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissingMinnesota* 
I don't think you are under any obligation to let them do that. I wouldn't want to either even under ideal circumstances...

but...

Not resonding to crying now equates to emotional abuse??

I would consider favoring one child over the other to be emotionally abusive...


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

yep, what all the PP's said. Kids first, loony MILs last. I was fine w/ my mil until I got divorced and they visited her and she fed them everything they were allergic to, despite sending 2 weeks worth of appropriate foods, talked badly about me to them etc, etc. they were just behaving like soooo um not themselves when they got home - angry, defiant, violent, ds killed the fish in the aquarium, then dd finally had an emotional vomit session and said all kinds of stuff and asked me a bunch of questions. I repeated everything to x, who called her immediately and she claimed she only told them the truth ( despite being 3&5, totally not appropriate to involve them in adult talk ANYWAY) and he said, no those are your opinions and not accurate, blah blah blah. Thankfully x backed me up, but from then on, I decided for myself that only people who respect my children and treat them as the special people they are deserve to spend time with them. I don't care what they say or do if I say no, I am their protectors. You can do it!!! I hope dh supports you!


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

I agree with a previos poster that the difficult issue here seems to be that DH doesn't agree. What part of the 2 yr olds going to your MILs would be okay with him - does he have a very different opinion of her than you do?

It sounds like you have to figure out not how to tell her No, but how to deal with the fall out from it. And when I read your post I wondered if the differences btwn you and dh about whether MIL is a suitable caregiver were actually something you could talk to a pastor, counselor etc about. It's only going to get bigger over time, right? (Like would you send the children at an older age assuming she's not going to change/might get worse with age?)


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## LemonPie (Sep 18, 2006)

I'd tell her "NO" now and deal with your DH after the fact.

You're going to have to be the bad guy. No way around it. Sometimes we just have to be for the sake and safety of our kids.

Quote:

"MIL, I'm not ready to have my babies go with you at this point. Maybe we can revisit it next year. Thanks for understanding."
Personally, I wouldn't go this route. #s 4-6 on your list are enough that she would NEVER, EVER, EVER be alone with my kids at any age. #8 is enough that I'd see to it that she never saw them again.

I think I'd go more along the lines of "Not gonna happen, not ever gonna happen, have a nice day, kthxbai". When the tantrumming starts, hang up the phone. There's no reasoning with a narcissist. There just isn't.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Based on what you said, no way. If my DH got upset by that I'd put it all on me "Oh, I can't bear to be away from them yet...maybe next year..." and plan to always keep putting it off.

OK, that would be smart, but actually, I think I would just freak and argue and be a PIA to my DH and pro'lly get into a giant fight over it.







I'd tell him to tell MIL I had attachment issues or something--anything. But no way would my precious babies be subjected to what you describe!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

No way. I've avoided leaving my daughter with my parents overnight for six years despite them asking. Well, they used to ask but I think they've figured out the score now because they haven't asked for a couple of years. But I'm dealing with parents who have about all the issues your inlaws have. It just will never happen.

But, of course, that's easier to do with your own parents than your inlaws. I'd tell your dh absolutely no way no how, and the addiction and spanking would be the major deal breakers, and it's his job to deal with it because they're his parents. But, uh, I know that's easier said than done. *sigh*


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Say no anyways.

My MIL wanted to take my dd with her on an AIRPLANE to visit SIL. I said no and was unrepentant. Dh thought I should say yes, I didn't.

My ILs don't have the issues you mentioned either, I was mostly bothered about her going on airplane without me.









I have let ILs take her a few hours away to a cool zoo and I have let my parents come and get her but she is seven, not two.


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## MommyJoia (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 
Dh is not home yet so we haven't been able to talk about it, but I'm almost positive that he will be up for this and I'm afraid I'll be the bad guy in his eyes too.

really??? your DH would really be up for this? I understand (and support the fact) that he loves his mommy, but he _does_ know her, right???

I'm sorry, but 2 may be old enough for overnights for some parents, but for most AP parents, it's probably not. My dh has problems leaving DD#1 who is 4 years for an hour at the playroom at ikea. he'd never allow anyone including his mom (who is the opposite of your mil-doesn't mean I dig her any more) to take either (or both) kids away, especially for a weekend!!!


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissingMinnesota* 
I don't think you are under any obligation to let them do that. I wouldn't want to either even under ideal circumstances...

but...

Not resonding to crying now equates to emotional abuse??

I guess perhaps that has to do with why a child is crying. Is she ignoring a tantrum or refusing to help a distressed/hungry/tired/hurt/lonely toddler? One reason is somewhat acceptable, the other is not, KWIM?
OP, you had me at reason #1. You're not comfortable. Period. I hope your DH doesn't become a UA violation over this, because you have more than enough reason to say no. Hopefully he will see eye to eye with you on this one.

PS... what does "kthxbai" mean?


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## maliceinwonderland (Apr 17, 2005)

If it was my SO, I'd ask him which part of her taking care of the toddlers sounded like good care giving to him - the spanking, the rx drug addiction, or the forgetting to feed them?

If you knowingly hired a babysitter with those issues and left your kids with them, you'd be a neglectful parent. If it was anyone but his own mother, would he still consider it okay?

If you had those issues, wouldn't he be heading for the hills and taking the kids with him?


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

"Thanks for offering. Neither the kids or I am ready for a weekend separation yet. We will let you know when we are both ready for that. Would you like to spend the weekend here? The circus/carnival/zoo is coming to town that weekend and I am sure the boys would love to go with grandma! DH and I could go out to dinner while you take them to the park. It could be so much fun for everyone!"


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## fresh_water (Feb 29, 2008)

Nope. I'd probably say "No, they are not sleeping well at night and I like to make sure I am there to comfort them. Until they are sleeping well at night and can tell someone when they are scared, they will not be sleeping that far away from me." Period, end of story.

Of course there is the REAL answer I'd want to give which is "No, never, no way in hell, how many ways can I say no, no no no no."


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

No way. Ever. Starting at reason #4. I'm a big believer in mom's intuition, but I know that at times dh's don't understand it (mine doesn't). However, you have VERY VERY good reasons to give him. And, yeah, it sucks, but you're going to have to be the jerky in this situation if he wont back you. I've had to be the meany before too...


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## Herausgeber (Apr 29, 2006)

I love my MIL, and no way would I do this. So, um, yeah, this lady is crazy. I would respond to her in the same bland, polite way I deal with all crazy people.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

Hmmmm...my mom is very loving, respects our parenting decisions, will feed them anything we want, knows our boundries, not had any drama over the kids, etc. and I still wouldn't let her take them 2 hours away for a weekend at 2 years old. (I have 2 year old twins too so I know how much of a handful they can be) I have left my children for a 6 day stretch for surgery twice (not really a choice). She watched them at my house, did not drive them anywhere, etc. Hubby and I are taking a vacation next week for 5 days and again, she is staying here, not driving anywhere, etc. If you have that many issues with her, no way. I would just tell her that your kids are quite the handful right now and you really aren't ready to let them stay that far away yet.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy2abigail* 
No way. Ever. Starting at reason #4. I'm a big believer in mom's intuition, but I know that at times dh's don't understand it (mine doesn't). However, you have VERY VERY good reasons to give him. And, yeah, it sucks, but you're going to have to be the jerky in this situation if he wont back you. I've had to be the meany before too...

















:
Bring out your list to show your DH if you feel you need to back up your intuition. Written out, it looks pretty black and white to me. Good luck.


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## LemonPie (Sep 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wytchywoman* 
PS... what does "kthxbai" mean?

'Kay, thanks, bye! (I always 'hear' it as said really fast, like in an effort to get off the phone quickly).


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## Tilia (Nov 18, 2006)

There is no point in arguing with a crazy person. You are not going to change her. Just keep it simple, like other people have mentioned. "No, thanks, I don't feel comfortable doing that right now, thanks for the offer. Wanna go bowling tomorrow?"


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Okay, IMHO before I got to #4 on your reasons why you didnt want her to keep them I thought you are being a little too overprotective because afterall they are her grandchildren and 2 was old enough for me to feel comfortable w/ my DD to spend time alone w/ her GP's. BUT MAN! I would run the opposite directions w/ one twin under each arm and hide from that lady!









You're completely justified momma, trust your insticts!


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## MrsCorell (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GooeyRN* 
"Thanks for offering. Neither the kids or I am ready for a weekend separation yet. We will let you know when we are both ready for that. Would you like to spend the weekend here? The circus/carnival/zoo is coming to town that weekend and I am sure the boys would love to go with grandma! DH and I could go out to dinner while you take them to the park. It could be so much fun for everyone!"

^^^ ITA. This says that you're not ready, but you don't want her 'disincluded' from the family.

I think that the issue here lies deeper than just with your MIL. If your DH is willing to let the kids go knowing DM has an RX issue, then you and DH need to have a talk about where your personal boundaries and expectations in regards to the care of the children is.

My husband and I had this issue with my MIL. Took us almost 2 hours to come to an agreement that we all benefited from.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tiger Lily* 
'Kay, thanks, bye! (I always 'hear' it as said really fast, like in an effort to get off the phone quickly).









LOL, thanks!


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## FullMetalMom (Aug 27, 2008)

I don't understand why you still allow her any contact with your family.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

I love my MIL and FIL but I wouldn't let them take my 2 year old that far away from me. They wouldn't ask either. When we visited they asked if they could take her to the pool (which was across the street) since they would totally understand if I didn't want her away from me (she was 15 months at the time).

Personally I wouldn't let my child stay with a pill popper or someone who I know spanks and doesn't respect my parenting. It would be a No outright. Say it over the phone and if she starts up just hang up. Ive had to do that with my own family.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Well, we've come to an agreement that I'm more comfortable with but still dreading. And it won't be happening until Oct so I've got a month to change my mind. We've decided WE will take them down there and drop them at her house for one overnight instead of two and we'll stay in a hotel nearby. That way we do get the time alone we desperately need for our anniversary and the boys aren't so far away that we can't be there w/i minutes. And also, she won't be driving them anywhere.

I feel like I can't give her an outright NO because she knows that I let the boys stay over night with members of my family and that will give her more ammunition. I think she really _wants_ me to tell her no.
I did want her to come here but dh says she doesn't want to because she doesn't like to sleep on our couch but she won't sleep in our bed. I guess we're supposed to have separate private accomodations for her or something.







:

In regard to everyone's questions about dh and what he thinks about his mom...It's just a very strange situation and one that we're working on w/ our counselor. He is an only child and basically the only person that mil has left in her life. She's driven everyone else out of her life w/ her behavior so I think he feels obligated. Plus she's been on her best behavior over the past year so I think he's just hoping that she's "changed". The way he was raised, I guess you just throw a fit and yell and scream at the person you're mad at when you don't get your way, and then you hug and make up and everything is ok again and it just goes on and on like that. So he's used to his mom having these tantrums and then being fine again a few days later. I'm just not used to it I guess.

I've really had to think and try and separate my feelings about her from my intuition about the situation. I don't think she's out to purposly hurt or brainwash my kids, but I do think some of her intentions are a little misguided sometimes. She only sees them around 6 times a year so I guess I can stomach one overnight and hope that they are such a handful for her that she won't offer again. But you better believe it'll be the last time if I find out she's done something crazy!

Thanks everyone for your responses. It makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the nutty one here!


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## f&p'smama (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
This is too easy!

"MIL if you ever want to be left alone with my kids, go to rehab. We'll start with that. KTHXBI."

Yep. I'd be that honest, too. Zero chance of me leaving my kids alone with someone who was abusing prescription drugs for 10 minutes, let alone 2 days. You're leaving it open with a "not ready now" approach.

My MIL is a piece of work. Narcissistic, immature and has poor judgment. She, too, takes prescription sleep medications and drinks in the evenings. My SILs leave their children with her all the time. She has never been alone with my kids and as far as I'm concerned will never. She hasn't asked because I think she knows what the answer will be, but I'd tell her why if she did. I'd be as diplomatic as possible because I don't want to be cruel, but I'd be direct and honest.

At the end of the day, I am responsible for what happens to my kids if I leave them in someone's care whom I do not trust. If something ever happened and I left my kids with her because I wanted to protect her feelings or participate in a fantasy with my DH that his mother is more capable than she is so that he doesn't have to feel like a bad son or recognize who she actually is, it's my fault, not hers.


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

Say no.

You said yourself that she is emotionally unstable -- why have that as an influence in your childrens' lives? They are going to encounter enough messed up people as it is -- why push it upon them?


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 

So obviously them going is out of the question, but here's my problem. Mil will freak out, throw a tantrum, cry that we don't love her, say we're trying to keep her grandkids from her, threaten, curse, spit, the whole nine yards if I don't let them go. She's manipulative and narcissistic and comes from a background of emotional abuse, and has shown these emotionally abusive tendencies around the boys already (calling them spoiled to their faces, favoring one over the other, not responding to crying, etc). So she'll do anything to make me the bad guy in this. We've had problems in the past so I'm sure she'll think that I'm saying no just to be spiteful.

What the heck am I going to do? Dh is not home yet so we haven't been able to talk about it, but I'm almost positive that he will be up for this and I'm afraid I'll be the bad guy in his eyes too. I'd be glad to compromise and tell her to come here over night and we can go away someplace close but no way in he!! am I letting her take my kids.

Ok, if you feel like leaving some advice after reading all this, I would so appreciate it!

Huge hug to you in this tough spot. PP have had some great advice for you. But I had to chuckle slightly that my knee jerk response when she started throwing the tantrum would end up being, "See, that is why they can't go. You act just like a 2 year old when someone tells you NO. I need my kids to be cared for by an adult." Of course you can't say this but don't ya wish you could







Good luck being the bad guy, but you know in your heart that it is you who has to protect your kids.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 

In regard to everyone's questions about dh and what he thinks about his mom...It's just a very strange situation and one that we're working on w/ our counselor. He is an only child and basically the only person that mil has left in her life. She's driven everyone else out of her life w/ her behavior so I think he feels obligated. Plus she's been on her best behavior over the past year so I think he's just hoping that she's "changed". The way he was raised, I guess you just throw a fit and yell and scream at the person you're mad at when you don't get your way, and then you hug and make up and everything is ok again and it just goes on and on like that. So he's used to his mom having these tantrums and then being fine again a few days later. I'm just not used to it I guess.

Sounds like my hubby, though he had to have extensive counseling to basically "grow up" to be in a serious relationship, and he has NO interest in letting his mom mess up our son like she messed up him. So he's always been protective of our son, even while letting himself continue to be abused in the way you describe.

My MIL isn't an addict; the biggest problem with things being ingested would be that I know 100% she would feed DS meat (we're vegetarian and serious about it), but still b/c of MIL's long-lasting mean-streak, we won't let her spend time alone with DS, and DS is 4.

She knows absolutely that part of it is because she believes in spanking and swatting; we saw her smack the hand of a granddaughter for doing basically *nothing* wrong, and our son is nowhere near as dear, sweet, and quiet as her granddaughters are. Due to her cultural bias, our son is the exalted one, but after a few hours alone I'm sure she would be on her last nerve with DS, and I'm sure her frustration would come out physically.

She's made fun of us b/c we won't let him stay with her, but I Do Not Care. And neither does hubby.

With all you describe AND the addiction, there is absolutely NO CHANCE that I would let her stay an HOUR alone with my son, let alone an overnight. No chance.

I don't have twins, so I haven't a clue as to how much you and hubby want to spend time together, but if MIL were my only choice, we'd continue to spend our anniversaries with the 3 of us, just like we've spent all 5 of ours! (he was a honeymoon baby so was 3 months old when we spent our 1st anniv with a train trip to pick up our wedding album) Let another adult watch the kids for that trip; don't give them over to an addict.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

My eldest daughter is 5, and will be 6 next summer, and I absolutely wouldn't let her stay at my MIL's for many of the same reasons. We're going to tell her that we don't feel comfortable with it at this time, and maybe when she's older.


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## *Moomin* (Jan 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
"Oh, that's such a sweet offer!







But the kids just aren't ready for that right now. Let's figure out something else fun to do!"

-Angela

Haven't read all the replies here but I'd definitely go with this - keep a friendly and polite tone, after all it sounds like she really wants to have a good relationship with her grandkids and that she wants to "help" you out somehow. Even though it's misplaced and it sounds like she has a ton of issues and things that should be worked out - it does sound like she's trying. Have a big heart


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 
I feel like I can't give her an outright NO because she knows that I let the boys stay over night with members of my family and that will give her more ammunition.

Do the other family members that you leave them with have drug problems and all the other issues you listed regarding your MIL? The fact that she's related by blood does NOT, in and of itself, mean that she deserves to have equal access to your children. She needs to prove herself responsible, as I'm assuming the other family members have. I'm sorry your DH had a tough childhood with her, but it's time for him to step up and protect his children.

One tactic that might work to get him to see her behavior from a more objective place is to ask him whether, if you guys were interviewing babysitters, you'd choose the one that had all these issues. Surely he'll say no, and then you can ask him why he's willing to let his mother watch them -- from their perspective, the treatment/possibility for harm will be the same whether it's coming from grandma or a babysitter.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 
Well, we've come to an agreement that I'm more comfortable with but still dreading. And it won't be happening until Oct so I've got a month to change my mind. We've decided WE will take them down there and drop them at her house for one overnight instead of two and we'll stay in a hotel nearby. That way we do get the time alone we desperately need for our anniversary and the boys aren't so far away that we can't be there w/i minutes. And also, she won't be driving them anywhere.
*
I feel like I can't give her an outright NO* because she knows that I let the boys stay over night with members of my family and that will give her more ammunition.

Yes, you can (and should) give her an outright "NO."

She's addicted to drugs. It doesn't matter that they are prescription. She's addicted to drugs. Your family members aren't, right? That's the difference (and I'm sure there are other differences, as well.) YOU ARE THE MAMA. You have a responsibility, as well as a right, to protect your children.


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## I-AM-Mother (Aug 6, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 
I feel like I can't give her an outright NO because she knows that I let the boys stay over night with members of my family and that will give her more ammunition. I think she really _wants_ me to tell her no.

you can do anything you want.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Well, my crazy MIL (and she _is_ crazy, but my goodness, there are things about your MIL that beat mine out, like the whole drug thing...) doesn't get to see my kid *at all*. At one point she lived up the street from my parents; we'd come and see my parents, and not even bother to see her. She'd go off and get mad and stuff; guess what? we didn't care. My husband didn't feel like subjecting himself to her crap, and he didn't. Who cares if she got mad? She'd pull that whole thing about ds getting see my folks more than her all the time. It didn't matter. She needed to learn how not to make visits with her miserable with constant bickering, guilting, and begging for stuff, and being verbally abusive to us at every single outrageous thing she'd propose to us when we said no. She said she'd change. We gave her chance after chance. She never did. My kid started to shy away from her because she was so pushy. That made her even madder and upset with him. She was asinine enough to hold a grudge with a 2 yo. So she lost her priviledges. We didn't need to subject him to that, especially since he was really starting to notice how she was treating him.

To be quite honest; the drug thing and the whole spanking thing had me. The threats of legal action and forgetting to feed really wrap icing around the cake. She seems vindictive enough to do exactly what you say not to do. You say you have a month to change your mind; I really hope you do, about the whole staying overnight thing. Sometimes a mother really has to bone up and get guts to say no to people and take the brunt of it to protect her children. I'd say invite her to a trip to the zoo with them or something. Anyhow, I wish you the best.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

YOU ARE THE MAMA. You have a responsibility, as well as a right, to protect your children.
I agree. I don't get much time alone with my DH due to lack of adequate babysitters, and we deal with it, but if you really do need time alone, there are plenty of students with good references that would babysit for you. It's pretty shocking that you'd leave them with her after the huge list of things she's done like not feeding them, spanking, being on drugs etc. How would you feel if something happened after you left them with her knowing all of this ahead of time? You don't owe her time with her grandkids, that's a privilege she has to earn. Please reconsider that agreement because she really doesn't sound like someone who needs to be alone with kids for any amount of time


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

You know what? I have one more thought on this. You say that it's like she _wants_ you to say no. I'm reminding of my FIL. (MIL and FIL are divorced and remarried....) He's not that great either. Once he asked (when my kid was like, a year old or so) when I was going to let him come up (a state away) and stay a week.

Well, my FIL _physically_ abused my husband and his brothers. He once yelled at my 1 year old very loudly and jumped at him for, er..taking a crayon into the living room. He was giving me a smirk when he asked. He knew that I didn't want that. It was like a tease at me or something. He's always playing mind games. It's a question that I couldn't say "yes" to; but he was going to give me grief right there in front of everyone if I said "no" to, you know? I told him we'd have to see. (Which means NEVER.) Looking back, I know now that he desperately wanted me to say never in a billion years so he could proclaim right there in front of everyone that "see, that's the problem with her!" They are always trying to find things wrong with me to justify their own stupidity. Maybe a aliby to think to themselves, our little yes-man (dh) couldn't possibly be manning up on his own to stand up to his family, it's just this witch he's married to behind his newfound gumption.

So I think I know what you mean when you say she wants you to say no. Do you think maybe she's just looking for bickering excuses? Like she's picking a reason to bicker and argue with you? I think it sounds like she is. It sounds like my MIL's little tricks she'd use where she'd ask for something knowing I'd say "no" and dh would say "yes" that she knew would get us to argueing. I really think that lady was out to tear us apart. Do you think your MIL is up to the same crap?

This is why it's difficult if you and your husband are not on the same page.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

I would absolutely not let them stay with her alone. Maybe you could do something together and that would suffice.


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

I am sorry but I would never let my child stay with anyone unsupervised if they were abusive in any way and if they had a drug problem. I dont care if it is my mother, grandmother, or joe blow from kokomo kwim? Your children are yours to protect....and if you know someones track record is like that and are a risk for your kids you just dont leave them there.
I would really reconsider letting stay even overnight....think what she could do in one night.....
Someone suggested asking your hubby if he would leave the children with anyone who was known to spank, not give them food for a long time and had a drug addiction to boot......
Personally, (this is not nice but to get the point across to hubby) I would pretend to get all excited (we can have a night alone etc) and tell him I found a totally wonderful babysitter...people like her etc...and then say deadpan...well she does like to spank, has been known to not feed the kids, and is addicted to drugs....but she is ok....when he says hell no!!!! then ask him why he is willing to let them stay with MIL who has these exact same issues.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

We've decided WE will take them down there and drop them at her house for one overnight instead of two and we'll stay in a hotel nearby. That way we do get the time alone we desperately need for our anniversary and the boys aren't so far away that we can't be there w/i minutes. And also, she won't be driving them anywhere.

I feel like I can't give her an outright NO because she knows that I let the boys stay over night with members of my family and that will give her more ammunition. I think she really wants me to tell her no.
Call back and say you've changed your mind. Having read your list of reasons, I'll call for you. Would you use a babysitter with all the things you listed?

It doesn't matter who else you let them stay with. She isn't qualified to watch them, not for an hour, not overnight.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

I'd tell her no flat out. If she pressed me, I'd list a couple of the reasons you gave in your OP.

My mother used to throw tantrums when she didn't get her way (for example when I scheduled my son's birthday party on a Sat rather than a Sun which mean she would get home too "late" to get cleaned up and go out with her friends... she tried to guilt and fuss me into changing the date of a already planned party).

When she starts up, I firmly, calmly state, "I'm sorry but I am not going to listen to you behave this way. When you are ready to speak like an adult, call me back." Then I hang up.

I only have to do it about once every couple of years. My life is better for it.


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## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

You might want to say no, and discuss with her why.

I had a really good talk with my mom when I was visiting with her and talked about some of the things she was doing that were driving me crazy. I told I needed her to respect our decisions (dh and me) as the parents and stop trying to co-parent, because A) it felt disrespectful and undermining and B) it was confusing for ds to see us being directly contradicted. She said She had a real need for peace and quiet and quicker follow through on discipline.

I then suggested she might have a need not to spend more than a couple hours at a time with DS then until he is a teenager, since children (especially toddlers) tend to need more discussion of consequences and tolerance for loudness, tantrums, and emotional outbursts.

Since we typically live anywhere from a 5-12 hour FLIGHT from her, she got the message loud and clear.

I think frank discussion, as scary and gut wrenching as it might be, is really the best thing for everyone.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

Seriously I know people like to avoid conflict but you have to say "NO" and you HAVE to say WHY NOT. Because otherwise, it's just more of the family enabling an addict--and if you actually LET the kids go over there, it's enabling an addict at the expense of chidrens' safety and well-being. Not OK. You HAVE to say, "MIL, I'm sorry, but you've outright admitted you're addicted to pills. I cannot leave my children with a drug addict." Yeah she will be pissed. But tiptoeing around it is just not the responsible thing to do, frankly.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

I'm sorry, I know you are in a tough position and your DH is putting you between a rock and a hard place, but you need to man up and just refuse. She is using drugs, she is spanking and she is neglecting. You guys staying in a hotel will not protect your kids if she is stoned on prescription meds, ot she is hitting your DC or they are hungry and she doens't feed them. How will you know if they are OK? 2 year olds can't call you up and say "please come get me, nana is sitting on the couch drolling and we are starving over here". Seriously, speak to the counselor about this. List off to that counselor everything you have told us and see what that person has to say about it. I am guessing the counselor will probably do a fair job of explaining to your DH just how inappropriate it would be for your toddler twins to spend the night with this woman.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

You tell her no, and you do not listen to her tantrums. Hang up if it is on the phone, archive any threatening emails, and call the police to haul her off if she dares to come to your home, acting like a fool.

These are your children. She has no rights to them, whatsoever. You are not the bad guy. If your DH agrees to let his seemingly unstable mother have your children without your consent, I would seriously question his loyalty.

If anyone threatened me with legal action, they wouldn't be seeing my children, supervised or otherwise. I wouldn't care what my DH thought about it, either.

I sure hope you are keeping a log of her activities. You may need it.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

The other fact of the matter is, if something DOES go wrong, responsibility rests with you and your husband as much as it does with the messed up neglectful MIL. Imagine you're the cop taking the report, "so you knew she was a drug addict...and she had threatened to legally try to interfere with custody...and you left them with her overnight because...?" From that perspective, could you think of a good enough reason to fill in the end of that statement? I doubt it.


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## LoganBsMom (Apr 14, 2008)

I would have to say, change your mind, say no. It is scary to think how much trouble 2 unsupervised 2 y/o's could get into in a non child proof, drug addicts house. For me the disagreeing with your parenting style wouldn't make me say no, but addiction to prescription drugs would. You said she neglected to feed them as infants, what do you think she will neglect to do with toddlers? And if she gets overwhelmed, pops a couple pills, falls asleep, where do your kids end up? I know 1 2y/o is adventurous and curious, my goodness, 2 would be halfway around the block before she woke up!

Ask your DH what he thinks your boys might do if grammy isn't watching them very well? How would he feel if they got into her pills? Got ahold of chemicals in an unlocked cabinet? Snuck out the back door to the neighbors pool?

And be honest with her when you tell her no. Better she knows why, maybe in the end it might be enough to help her clean up a little bit, who knows.

Good luck


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

If I were you I would talk to my dh. If it's so important to him that your children stay overnight at grandma's house, then he can take them and stay the night too.

Only one of the many reasons you listed would cause me to say no to an overnight alone with grandma. Your children will not benefit from this time with her, sorry but I'm not convinced they will. So there is no reason to allow it to happen.

These are your children. You don't have to do anything that your uncomfortable with. Your allowed to say no to people. It doesn't matter if you do allow other family members to watch your children. Your the parent, you get to pick and choose who you feel comfortable with watching your children. There is no reason to compromise or spare somebody's feelings.

Tell your dh to take them, and stay with them. Other wise, I wouldn't do it.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Well, I may not have anything to worry about cause I'm about to tell her to just forget it. Dh presented to her that we would like to bring the boys to her for one night only and we would stay nearby and pick them up in the morning. That was fine and now all the sudden she wants to "swap houses". So it sounds like dh did not tell her the reason that we are staying in a hotel is because I don't want to be that far away from them or she wouldn't have come up w/ that idea. No worries though! I emailed her and told her "Thanks, that's a great idea (not) but I'm just not comfortable having both parents being two hours away from them."
So we'll see what her response is. If she gets fired up it's over - no overnight.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gabysmom617* 
You know what? I have one more thought on this. You say that it's like she _wants_ you to say no. I'm reminding of my FIL. (MIL and FIL are divorced and remarried....) He's not that great either. Once he asked (when my kid was like, a year old or so) when I was going to let him come up (a state away) and stay a week.

Well, my FIL _physically_ abused my husband and his brothers. He once yelled at my 1 year old very loudly and jumped at him for, er..taking a crayon into the living room. He was giving me a smirk when he asked. He knew that I didn't want that. It was like a tease at me or something. He's always playing mind games. It's a question that I couldn't say "yes" to; but he was going to give me grief right there in front of everyone if I said "no" to, you know? I told him we'd have to see. (Which means NEVER.) Looking back, I know now that he desperately wanted me to say never in a billion years so he could proclaim right there in front of everyone that "see, that's the problem with her!" They are always trying to find things wrong with me to justify their own stupidity. Maybe a aliby to think to themselves, our little yes-man (dh) couldn't possibly be manning up on his own to stand up to his family, it's just this witch he's married to behind his newfound gumption.

So I think I know what you mean when you say she wants you to say no. Do you think maybe she's just looking for bickering excuses? Like she's picking a reason to bicker and argue with you? I think it sounds like she is. It sounds like my MIL's little tricks she'd use where she'd ask for something knowing I'd say "no" and dh would say "yes" that she knew would get us to argueing. I really think that lady was out to tear us apart. Do you think your MIL is up to the same crap?

This is why it's difficult if you and your husband are not on the same page.


Yes! Thank you! This is exactly what I KNOW she will do. And this is what makes it so difficult. As I see it, she's using my kids to try to get to me and make me the bad guy, but dh won't see it this way. He sees her as someone who's made mistakes, who's made progress in changing (because she hasn't thrown a tantrum in a year now), and someone who's feeling left out of her grandkids life and just wants to spend time with them...alone. I'm definitely bringing this all up with the counselor next weekend.

As for the drugs...it's when she _doesn't_ take the drugs that bothers me. As long as she takes them she is fine, she doesn't get all drugged out and loopy. I suspect all the times she's been a ua violation that she hasn't taken her drugs, but I have no way of really knowing. Can't wait for her to email me back.







:


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Just tell her no. And tell your DH no. If she throws a fit, no. If he pressures you, no. Just no, no, no. Don't justify it or get sucked into any discussion of it. Just no. It's off the table. If you discuss it, it appears to be still open for discussion. Make up your own mind there is no way in hell this is happening and you don't care who doesn't like it. Then say no. Your MIL and DH's reactions are their own issues to deal with. You and your DH can discuss your reasoning more in-depth in private later, after it's no longer seen as something that might possibly happen. But for now, just say no, and mean it.


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## momofmine (Jan 8, 2007)

I absolutely would not. You have to trust your gut. They will be asleep at night, so not like they will be spending quality time with her then. I would go and visit and stay with my kids, but not leave them.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

im sorry your in a difficult situation.. i feel you though my inlaws are nuttier then a snickers bar and dp feels like they always mean well (who cares if they mean well when what their doing is still wrong). i would be concerned she would spank my kids since shes done it before kwim? and how does dh feel about the whole pill popping thing b/c she couldnt be temper tantrum free for 100 yrs and if she was popping pills i would still say no. and the whole wanting you to be two hours away thing is weird.. i thought you mentioned that your dh said she didnt want to spend the night at your house b/c the princess and the pea didnt have anywhere she likes to sleep but then she wanted to swap houses? so is she just opposed to sleeping at your house when your there? i understand where your dh is coming from but a gentle reminder that you need to trust your instincts and let mil worry about her own feelings seems to be in order. also grandparents rights? give me a break.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

On some points it sounds like you could loosen up a bit (not trusting people to drive your kids) but when it comes right down to it it sounds like MIL is a real winner







: If you are going to make a case to anyone about why your kids should not go there i would stick with the very real issues like discipline, how far away it is, house not childproofed and grandma being a druggie.

Has she ever babysat them before? two nights so far away seems like a pretty big way to start.! Here is the direction I wold take. . . .

"MIL it is so sweet for you to offer to give me a break like that!" _(acknowledge her generosity without commitment







)_
"but I worry that the boys may just not be ready to jump in like that.I a m probably over reacting but they are really sensitive and would hate for you to get so far away and just be miserable all weekend" _(MIL, I am only thinking about you and your well being







)_
and here is the hard part . . . .
"I think we should definitely start working towards weekends with grandma though and see how things progress" _(this is vague and committal without actually making any promises)_
"Maybe you would like to come down and spend the morning/day/weekend with us. hen I could run some errands or something while the boys have some bonding time alone with you." _I know this sucks but you are at last in the drivers seat and can limit alone time and be close enough to pop in and it looks like you are making a real effort._

of course that is all assuming DH wants to leave th kids with his mother. if h says no then i would simply say "Thanks for the very generous offer but we would rather not."


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

When you say "addicted to Rx pills" what exactly do you mean? Because I think everyone was assuming that she's taking inappropriate amounts of painkillers or something like that, but you say that she's better/more functional when she takes her pills. Is she on something that contributes to her ability to function properly, such as anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, that she *has* to take to be well? Having to take a pill every day doesn't make you addicted, any more than having to eat every day makes you addicted to food.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

A lot of addicts are nicer when they're taking their drugs, especially if they are taking something that causes horrible withdrawals (like opiate painkillers). I think it's kind of a stretch to assume the OP was saying "addict" when she meant to say "takes drugs as prescribed."


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## finn74 (Aug 24, 2008)

it is real hard to share your children with folks who you wouldnt normally expose them to but b/c they are related you kinda gotta. i understand.. cant stand my mil and my dh wants her in our sons life as much as possible. btw- do grandparents really have legal rights to our children?


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
On some points it sounds like you could loosen up a bit (not trusting people to drive your kids)
Has she ever babysat them before? two nights so far away seems like a pretty big way to start.! Here is the direction I wold take. . . .

"MIL it is so sweet for you to offer to give me a break like that!" _(acknowledge her generosity without commitment







)_
"but I worry that the boys may just not be ready to jump in like that.I a m probably over reacting but they are really sensitive and would hate for you to get so far away and just be miserable all weekend" _(MIL, I am only thinking about you and your well being







)_
and here is the hard part . . . .
"I think we should definitely start working towards weekends with grandma though and see how things progress" _(this is vague and committal without actually making any promises)_
"Maybe you would like to come down and spend the morning/day/weekend with us. hen I could run some errands or something while the boys have some bonding time alone with you." _I know this sucks but you are at last in the drivers seat and can limit alone time and be close enough to pop in and it looks like you are making a real effort._

That's a great response and I wish I would have taken the time to think about that before I jumped into talking about it w/ dh and making a decision.
As far as people driving my kids go...I let just about anyone drive my kids actually but I can't let mil know that, or let her know that they stay at other family's house overnight all the time!







She used to babysit them two days a week while I was working part time when they were infants. Not because I wanted her to but because we didn't have a choice at the time. That's 80% of the reason we moved two hours away from her!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
When you say "addicted to Rx pills" what exactly do you mean? Because I think everyone was assuming that she's taking inappropriate amounts of painkillers or something like that, but you say that she's better/more functional when she takes her pills. Is she on something that contributes to her ability to function properly, such as anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, that she *has* to take to be well? Having to take a pill every day doesn't make you addicted, any more than having to eat every day makes you addicted to food.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
A lot of addicts are nicer when they're taking their drugs, especially if they are taking something that causes horrible withdrawals (like opiate painkillers). I think it's kind of a stretch to assume the OP was saying "addict" when she meant to say "takes drugs as prescribed."

I don't have any idea what she is on, how much, and I'm assuming some of it is for back problems/pain. She told me once she has 8 prescriptions. From what I've been able to glean from bits and pieces of conversations these are probably for back pain, heart problems, and mental health/depression/anxiety. This is what she said to me and dh's grandma two years ago on the fourth of July when they were talking about the cost and if there is a real necessity for RX drugs "My doctor prescribed me these drugs for my back and now I'm hooked on them and can't get off." Sometime later my dh told me that she goes to a psychiatrist not because she wants to but because that's the only way she can get her drugs. He has no idea what she's taking either or what the doc's name is, but believe me if I did know his name I'd be making an anonymous call. So, although I don't know if taking drugs you know you don't need because now you're "hooked" is considered addiction, I still find it troubling.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *finn74* 
it is real hard to share your children with folks who you wouldnt normally expose them to but b/c they are related you kinda gotta. i understand.. cant stand my mil and my dh wants her in our sons life as much as possible. btw- do grandparents really have legal rights to our children?

Thanks...it helps that somebody understands the "kinda gotta" thing. I don't know that grandparents would have legal rights unless the kid was in danger. I think they could probably go to court for visitation but I think in my case with my info on her and maybe a call to her psychiatrist they would probably deny her.

This whole weekend thing may never happen after I get done with dh in marriage counseling this weekend. Long story but right now I do not even want to go anywhere with him overnight! And mil doesn't like to be around us when we're fighting.

Anyway, I've arranged for her to come up here and stay one night at our house. That way I can leave as late as possible and come back as early as possible in the morning and she gets her little baby fix. We'll be staying in my mom's camper down the street so I can be there in a split second if I need to be. We'll see how it goes.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *finn74* 
it is real hard to share your children with folks who you wouldnt normally expose them to but b/c they are related you kinda gotta. i understand.. cant stand my mil and my dh wants her in our sons life as much as possible. btw- do grandparents really have legal rights to our children?

I dunno. I just can't wrap my head around the "kinda gotta" thing. I can understand if it's a family member that just grates on us the wrong way but are otherwise relatively harmless. And yes, in those times it is extremely difficult.

But I don't care who it is, if some one is verbally and emotionally abusive (and emotional abuse can be very subtle) or worse, physically or sexually I don't understand or agree with exposing a child to that person because it's family. I wouldn't do it if it was a stranger, and I wouldn't do it just because it's family, because it's just as damaging to the child.

Maybe I can understand the supervised visit thing, but why does a child (expecially a very young child) need to be left alone with a person who has shown him/herself to be this way repeatedly to the child just because there are blood ties there? I just don't get it.


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
This is too easy!

"MIL if you ever want to be left alone with my kids, go to rehab. We'll start with that. KTHXBI."

You read my mind! That would be a deal-breaker for me. No need to end up on the 6 o'clock news.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
A lot of addicts are nicer when they're taking their drugs, especially if they are taking something that causes horrible withdrawals (like opiate painkillers). I think it's kind of a stretch to assume the OP was saying "addict" when she meant to say "takes drugs as prescribed."

Having been accused of being "addicted" to my metformin when I was on that, because I was so much nicer when I took it as prescribed, and when I skipped it my blood sugar did weird things and made me cranky and mean, I just wanted to clarify.









So, it sounds like a combination of dependence on pain meds, and perhaps not appropriately regulated doses of mental health meds? Not a good combo.


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
The other fact of the matter is, if something DOES go wrong, responsibility rests with you and your husband as much as it does with the messed up neglectful MIL. Imagine you're the cop taking the report, "so you knew she was a drug addict...and she had threatened to legally try to interfere with custody...and you left them with her overnight because...?" From that perspective, could you think of a good enough reason to fill in the end of that statement? I doubt it.

YES!!!! This is absolutely the ticket.


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## finn74 (Aug 24, 2008)

gabysmom617 said:


> I dunno. I just can't wrap my head around the "kinda gotta" thing. I can understand if it's a family member that just grates on us the wrong way but are otherwise relatively harmless. And yes, in those times it is extremely difficult.
> 
> kinda gotta refers to my dh who i guess has 50% of the say in matters regarding our baby. we are still trying to find out how to find a common ground in matters that we entirely disagree on (but thats a topic for another thread). my mil is really good at being really manipulative, but she is not outright abusive, so far, which makes it difficult to illuminate her behavior to dh. thanks for pointing that out gabysmom, cause i agree that when it comes to putting my baby in harms way, not even my dh's opinion has merit.


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abomgardner417* 
Anyway, I've arranged for her to come up here and stay one night at our house. That way I can leave as late as possible and come back as early as possible in the morning and she gets her little baby fix. We'll be staying in my mom's camper down the street so I can be there in a split second if I need to be. We'll see how it goes.

No offense--but this arrangement is just totally bizarre to me. I would NEVER allow someone else to sleep in my house while I was sleeping somewhere else. Got any bank information she can access? How about prescription meds? How about just the fact that you aren't there overnight and she is--and with your kids!
They are YOUR children--she can stay with you, as it should be or screw her. Good grief!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GranoLLLy-girl* 
No offense--but this arrangement is just totally bizarre to me.









:

Why do you have to leave your home for her to visit her grandkids?







: I'm a big fan of one-on-one time, but only with people I love and trust 100%! I can't imagine letting someone with the issues you described be alone with my children, no matter how fast I could get there. The mere fact that she seems so intent on making sure you're gone while she's with your kids is a red flag IMO.

Also, the fact that you could get there quickly doesn't really mean anything when your kids (the ones who would need you to get there quickly) are too young to be able to contact you. Do you think your MIL will call and say, "I'm about to spank your kids, you'd better get here right away." Uh ... no.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GranoLLLy-girl* 
No offense--but this arrangement is just totally bizarre to me.

Me too.

Is there some reason she can't just come over for the weekend, and maybe take them to the park nearby or whatever to get some dedicated grandma time?

And that's even assuming the OP is comfortable with it, and I could understand if she wasn't.

But I mean, why does anyone need to take 2 year olds from their mother for 2 nights? How does that benefit ANYONE?


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

finn74 said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *gabysmom617*
> ...


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 







:

Why do you have to leave your home for her to visit her grandkids?







: I'm a big fan of one-on-one time, but only with people I love and trust 100%! I can't imagine letting someone with the issues you described be alone with my children, no matter how fast I could get there. The mere fact that she seems so intent on making sure you're gone while she's with your kids is a red flag IMO.

Also, the fact that you could get there quickly doesn't really mean anything when your kids (the ones who would need you to get there quickly) are too young to be able to contact you. Do you think your MIL will call and say, "I'm about to spank your kids, you'd better get here right away." Uh ... no.

I agree with this. Why is she so adamant about getting to see them with you guys gone???


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I think th over night at your house is fine idea. but thn I don't mind people staying at my house and would rather my kids be in their home for stuff like overnights. espcially when they are babies and childproofing and boundries are so important.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
I think th over night at your house is fine idea. but thn I don't mind people staying at my house and would rather my kids be in their home for stuff like overnights. espcially when they are babies and childproofing and boundries are so important.

Are you saying this in general, or in the context of the OP's situation?

I don't mind having trusted friends and family members being alone in my house either, but there's no way I'd leave my home to let an irresponsible, potentially abusive woman have unsupervised time alone with my children. If she wanted to visit my kids, she could do it with me or my partner right there with her.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

"No." is a complete sentence.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *I-AM-Mother* 
you can do anything you want.

yeah this is my thinking too. I don't see the issue here. Tell her no.


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## LittleSoulMama (Apr 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
"No." is a complete sentence.









:

I need to remember that "No" is enough with my father who would rather not see my DS at all than not be able to have my DS alone with him. With him it's all about control and his need to have control over my DS is certainly not a reason I would hand over my 2 year old to him.


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## whalemilk (Jul 11, 2008)

That is just so weird to me, these grandparents who HAVE to have the kid alone, even to the point of not wanting to see them at all if they can't! I get that it's a control issue, but it's just so hard for me to wrap my mind around the sense of entitlement and the rigidity. Why do they fixate so hard on this?


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whalemilk* 
That is just so weird to me, these grandparents who HAVE to have the kid alone, even to the point of not wanting to see them at all if they can't! I get that it's a control issue, but it's just so hard for me to wrap my mind around the sense of entitlement and the rigidity. Why do they fixate so hard on this?

ITA...that is a strange one. Is it because she just wants to see what you would do..sort of like seeing what your boundaries are?

Also, if you do this, do you think she will be 'satisfied' and not bug you about staying over with your kids anymore..or do you think that will make her want to do the overnights even more?

The one advantage of her being in your home is..that you can rig up either a web cam or some sort of 2 way radio and 'listen in' (or even a video camera, if you have one) to what is going on. Or even sneak back into your house or listen in or something. Not sure if that would help, or make it worse..but that is if you absolutely _have_ to have her over.









Here's also something to think of (not like you don't have enough to think of already!), or tell DH about..say to him, "how would you feel if something happened to our kids because of MIL?" You would be mad at yourself for not trusting your instincts, right?

This MIL does sound pretty off her rocker...especially the multiple prescription thing, as well as everything *else* she had done.









Just a thought...do you think that she's just so desperate to have a good relationship with her grandkids, she'll try anything to be with them? I think they are too young to be alone like that, I haven't even considered letting DS be alone with anyone..sure he's only a year old and not weaned, but 2 years old is still too young, IMO. (Good excuse, no?)









Are these her only grandkids?


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## virginiabloom (Sep 4, 2008)

Girl, I totally understand how you feel.

I'm sorry, but I just can't go back and read all 5 pages, though I have skimmed over quite a bit. Here'es my 2 cents:
1) You need to remember your dh's mother is someone that he probably really wants to believe is normal.

My mil is someone who has been a lot like yours at times, and yet my husband, though he may feel offended at my lack of correspondence with her, deep down understands. It's hard to face reality about your mama.

2) Do NOT let yourself be pushed into ANYTHING you are not comfortable with.

Your responsibility, imo, is as simple as this; to be kind, honoring, and respectful to your mil by your speech. That is all you are responsible for, is your response, no matter what it is, to stick to your guns, look out for your kiddos first, and to do so in a kind way. Then, the ball is in HER court, so leave it there...you dont have to own it. The way she reacts or anything she says to you or about you is not a reflection of you, ma dear, it is a reflection of her. Please remember that.

Just from personal experience, there was a time my husband and I went on a marriage retreat, and I knew that fateful question of "Uh oh, which one of our moms gets to watch her (our dd)". My husband was at first offended that I didnt even consider his mother, but after time in prayer for him, we sat down to discuss it, and all I did was ask the question "Do you think leaving her with your mom would be the most wise choice? Would you really be most comfortable with that?"

Then we left it at that, and that time was the most horrible not knowing what his response would be, but I approached him in a very humble way, and in his response he reciprocated. That tends to be the case. Or at least it should be!










And his response was in agreement with me.


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## Yes I Am (Jan 18, 2008)

This is not your situation, but when i read the "kinda gotta" phrase this came to mind. My mother did not allow my sister or me to spend the night out at my paternal grandparents house, but would send us to her parents with no hesitation. My dad thought she was being unfair, but my mom stood firm.

Last Thanksgiving my mother told me that one of my father's brothers had molested several of my cousins. He often visited my grandparent's apartment.

The only people you need to be fair to are your children in this situation. I hope it works out!


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

I might concede to this (highly unlikely.. but maybe) if these were much older children who could have their wits about them. But 2 year olds? Not on your life. The very fact that you want to stay close and minimize the amount of time you leave them for means that you KNOW this is not safe. Why are you putting your kids in this position? Is it something that needs to be worked out between you and your husband? You and your MIL?


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